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diff --git a/9439-8.txt b/9439-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..62e0b0b --- /dev/null +++ b/9439-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17110 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Tales And Novels, Volume 4 (of 10), by Maria Edgeworth + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Tales And Novels, Volume 4 (of 10) + Castle Rackrent; An Essay on Irish Bulls; An Essay on the + Noble Science of Self-Justification; Ennui; and The Dun + +Author: Maria Edgeworth + + +Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9439] +This file was first posted on September 30, 2003 +Last Updated: June 9, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TALES AND NOVELS, VOLUME 4 (OF 10) *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Tapio Riikonen and PG +Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + + + + + +TALES AND NOVELS, VOL. IV + +Containing + +CASTLE RACKRENT; AN ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS; AN ESSAY ON THE NOBLE SCIENCE +OF SELF-JUSTIFICATION; ENNUI; AND THE DUN. + +By Maria Edgeworth + +In Ten Volumes. With Engravings On Steel. + + +1857. + + + + "A prudence undeceiving, undeceived, + That nor too little nor too much believed; + That scorn'd unjust suspicion's coward fear, + And without weakness knew to be sincere." + _Lord Lyttelton's Monody on his Wife_. + + + +PREFACE + + +The prevailing taste of the public for anecdote has been censured and +ridiculed by critics who aspire to the character of superior wisdom; +but if we consider it in a proper point of view, this taste is an +incontestable proof of the good sense and profoundly philosophic temper +of the present times. Of the numbers who study, or at least who read +history, how few derive any advantage from their labours! The heroes of +history are so decked out by the fine fancy of the professed historian; +they talk in such measured prose, and act from such sublime or such +diabolical motives, that few have sufficient taste, wickedness, or +heroism, to sympathize in their fate. Besides, there is much uncertainty +even in the best authenticated ancient or modern histories; and that +love of truth, which in some minds is innate and immutable, necessarily +leads to a love of secret memoirs and private anecdotes. We cannot +judge either of the feelings or of the characters of men with perfect +accuracy, from their actions or their appearance in public; it is from +their careless conversations, their half-finished sentences, that we +may hope with the greatest probability of success to discover their real +characters. The life of a great or of a little man written by himself, +the familiar letters, the diary of any individual published by his +friends or by his enemies, after his decease, are esteemed important +literary curiosities. We are surely justified, in this eager desire, to +collect the most minute facts relative to the domestic lives, not only +of the great and good, but even of the worthless and insignificant, +since it is only by a comparison of their actual happiness or misery +in the privacy of domestic life that we can form a just estimate of the +real reward of virtue, or the real punishment of vice. That the great +are not as happy as they seem, that the external circumstances of +fortune and rank do not constitute felicity, is asserted by every +moralist: the historian can seldom, consistently with his dignity, pause +to illustrate this truth: it is therefore to the biographer we must have +recourse. After we have beheld splendid characters playing their parts +on the great theatre of the world, with all the advantages of stage +effect and decoration, we anxiously beg to be admitted behind the +scenes, that we may take a nearer view of the actors and actresses. + +Some may perhaps imagine, that the value of biography depends upon the +judgment and taste of the biographer: but on the contrary it may be +maintained, that the merits of a biographer are inversely as the +extent of his intellectual powers and of his literary talents. A plain +unvarnished tale is preferable to the most highly ornamented narrative. +Where we see that a man has the power, we may naturally suspect that +he has the will to deceive us; and those who are used to literary +manufacture know how much is often sacrificed to the rounding of a +period, or the pointing of an antithesis. + +That the ignorant may have their prejudices as well as the learned +cannot be disputed; but we see and despise vulgar errors: we never +bow to the authority of him who has no great name to sanction his +absurdities. The partiality which blinds a biographer to the defects of +his hero, in proportion as it is gross, ceases to be dangerous; but +if it be concealed by the appearance of candour, which men of great +abilities best know how to assume, it endangers our judgment sometimes, +and sometimes our morals. If her grace the Duchess of Newcastle, instead +of penning her lord's elaborate eulogium, had undertaken to write the +life of Savage, we should not have been in any danger of mistaking an +idle, ungrateful libertine, for a man of genius and virtue. The talents +of a biographer are often fatal to his reader. For these reasons the +public often judiciously countenance those who, without sagacity +to discriminate character, without elegance of style to relieve the +tediousness of narrative, without enlargement of mind to draw any +conclusions from the facts they relate, simply pour forth anecdotes, +and retail conversations, with all the minute prolixity of a gossip in a +country town. + +The author of the following Memoirs has upon these grounds fair claims +to the public favour and attention; he was an illiterate old steward, +whose partiality to _the family_, in which he was bred and born, must +be obvious to the reader. He tells the history of the Rackrent family in +his vernacular idiom, and in the full confidence that Sir Patrick, +Sir Murtagh, Sir Kit, and Sir Condy Rackrent's affairs will be as +interesting to all the world as they were to himself. Those who were +acquainted with the manners of a certain class of the gentry of Ireland +some years ago, will want no evidence of the truth of honest Thady's +narrative: to those who are totally unacquainted with Ireland, the +following Memoirs will perhaps be scarcely intelligible, or probably +they may appear perfectly incredible. For the information of the +_ignorant_ English reader, a few notes have been subjoined by the +editor, and he had it once in contemplation to translate the language of +Thady into plain English; but Thady's idiom is incapable of translation, +and, besides, the authenticity of his story would have been more exposed +to doubt if it were not told in his own characteristic manner. Several +years ago he related to the editor the history of the Rackrent family, +and it was with some difficulty that he was persuaded to have it +committed to writing; however, his feelings for "_the honour of the +family_," as he expressed himself, prevailed over his habitual laziness, +and he at length completed the narrative which is now aid before the +public. + +The editor hopes his readers will observe that these are "tales of other +times:" that the manners depicted in the following pages are not those +of the present age: the race of the Rackrents has long since been +extinct in Ireland; and the drunken Sir Patrick, the litigious +Sir Murtagh, the fighting Sir Kit, and the slovenly Sir Condy, are +characters which could no more be met with at present in Ireland, than +Squire Western or Parson Trulliber in England. There is a time +when individuals can bear to be rallied for their past follies +and absurdities, after they have acquired new habits and a new +consciousness. Nations, as well as individuals, gradually lose +attachment to their identity, and the present generation is amused, +rather than offended, by the ridicule that is thrown upon its ancestors. + +Probably we shall soon have it in our power, in a hundred instances, to +verify the truth of these observations. + +When Ireland loses her identity by an union with Great Britain, she will +look back, with a smile of good-humoured complacency, on the Sir Kits +and Sir Condys of her former existence. + + + +CONTENTS: + +CASTLE RACKRENT + +GLOSSARY + +FOOTNOTES + +ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS + + Introduction +CHAP. I. Originality of Irish Bulls examined + II. Irish Newspapers + III. The Criminal Law of Bulls and Blunders + IV. Little Dominick + V. The Bliss of Ignorance + VI. "Thoughts that breathe, and Words that burn" + VII. Practical Bulls + VIII. The Dublin Shoeblack + IX. The Hibernian Mendicant + X. Irish Wit and Eloquence + XI. The Brogue + XII. Bath Coach Conversation + XIII. Bath Coach Conversation + XIV. The Irish Incognito + Conclusion + Appendix + Footnotes + +AN ESSAY ON THE NOBLE SCIENCE OF SELF-JUSTIFICATION + +ENNUI + +THE DUN + + + + + + +CASTLE RACKRENT + + +_Monday Morning_.[A] + +Having, out of friendship for the family, upon whose estate, praised be +Heaven! I and mine have lived rent-free, time out of mind, voluntarily +undertaken to publish the MEMOIRS of the RACKRENT FAMILY, I think it my +duty to say a few words, in the first place, concerning myself. My real +name is Thady Quirk, though in the family I have always been known by +no other than "_honest Thady_"--afterward, in the time of Sir Murtagh, +deceased, I remember to hear them calling me "_old Thady_," and now I'm +come to "poor Thady;" for I wear a long great coat[1] winter and summer, +which is very handy, as I never put my arms into the sleeves; they +are as good as new, though come Holantide next I've had it these seven +years; it holds on by a single button round my neck, cloak fashion. +To look at me, you would hardly think "poor Thady" was the father of +attorney Quirk; he is a high gentleman, and never minds what poor Thady +says, and having better than fifteen hundred a year, landed estate, +looks down upon honest Thady; but I wash my hands of his doings, and as +I have lived so will I die, true and loyal to the family. The family +of the Rackrents is, I am proud to say, one of the most ancient in the +kingdom. Every body knows this is not the old family name, which was +O'Shaughlin, related to the kings of Ireland--but that was before my +time. My grandfather was driver to the great Sir Patrick O'Shaughlin, +and I heard him, when I was a boy, telling how the Castle Rackrent +estate came to Sir Patrick; Sir Tallyhoo Rackrent was cousin-german to +him, and had a fine estate of his own, only never a gate upon it, it +being his maxim that a car was the best gate. Poor gentleman! he lost a +fine hunter and his life, at last, by it, all in one day's hunt. But I +ought to bless that day, for the estate came straight into _the_ family, +upon one condition, which Sir Patrick O'Shaughlin at the time took sadly +to heart, they say, but thought better of it afterwards, seeing how +large a stake depended upon it, that he should, by act of parliament, +take and bear the surname and arms of Rackrent. + +Now it was that the world was to see what was _in_ Sir Patrick. On +coming into the estate, he gave the finest entertainment ever was heard +of in the country; not a man could stand after supper but Sir Patrick +himself, who could sit out the best man in Ireland, let alone the three +kingdoms itself.[B] He had his house, from one year's end to another, +as full of company as ever it could hold, and fuller; for rather than +be left out of the parties at Castle Rackrent, many gentlemen, and those +men of the first consequence and landed estates in the country, such as +the O'Neils of Ballynagrotty, and the Moueygawls of Mount Juliet's Town, +and O'Shannons of New Town Tullyhog, made it their choice, often and +often, when there was no room to be had for love nor money, in long +winter nights, to sleep in the chicken-house, which Sir Patrick had +fitted up for the purpose of accommodating his friends and the public +in general, who honoured him with their company unexpectedly at Castle +Rackrent; and this went on, I can't tell you how long--the whole country +rang with his praises!--Long life to him! I'm sure I love to look upon +his picture, now opposite to me; though I never saw him, he must have +been a portly gentleman--his neck something short, and remarkable for +the largest pimple on his nose, which, by his particular desire, is +still extant in his picture, said to be a striking likeness, though +taken when young. He is said also to be the inventor of raspberry +whiskey, which is very likely, as nobody has ever appeared to dispute +it with him, and as there still exists a broken punch-bowl at Castle +Rackrent, in the garret, with an inscription to that effect--a great +curiosity. A few days before his death he was very merry; it being his +honour's birth-day, he called my grandfather in, God bless him! to drink +the company's health, and filled a bumper himself, but could not carry +it to his head, on account of the great shake in his hand; on this he +cast his joke, saying, "What would my poor father say to me if he was +to pop out of the grave, and see me now? I remember when I was a little +boy, the first bumper of claret he gave me after dinner, how he praised +me for carrying it so steady to my mouth. Here's my thanks to him--a +bumper toast." Then he fell to singing the favourite song he learned +from his father--for the last time, poor gentleman--he sung it that +night as loud and as hearty as ever with a chorus: + + "He that goes to bed, and goes to bed sober, + Falls as the leaves do, falls as the leaves do, and dies in October; + But he that goes to bed, and goes to bed mellow, + Lives as he ought to do, lives as he ought to do, and dies an honest + fellow." + +Sir Patrick died that night: just as the company rose to drink his +health with three cheers, he fell down in a sort of fit, and was carried +off; they sat it out, and were surprised, on inquiry, in the morning, to +find that it was all over with poor Sir Patrick. Never did any gentleman +live and die more beloved in the country by rich and poor. His funeral +was such a one as was never known before or since in the county! All +the gentlemen in the three counties were at it; far and near, how they +flocked! my great grandfather said, that to see all the women even in +their red cloaks, you would have taken them for the army drawn out. Then +such a fine whillaluh![C] you might have heard it to the farthest end of +the county, and happy the man who could get but a sight of the hearse! +But who'd have thought it? just as all was going on right, through his +own town they were passing, when the body was seized for debt--a rescue +was apprehended from the mob; but the heir who attended the funeral was +against that, for fear of consequences, seeing that those villains who +came to serve acted under the disguise of the law: so, to be sure, the +law must take its course, and little gain had the creditors for their +pains. First and foremost, they had the curses of the country: and Sir +Murtagh Rackrent, the new heir, in the next place, on account of this +affront to the body, refused to pay a shilling of the debts, in which +he was countenanced by all the best gentlemen of property, and others +of his acquaintance; Sir Murtagh alleging in all companies, that he all +along meant to pay his father's debts of honour, but the moment the +law was taken of him, there was an end of honour to be sure. It was +whispered (but none but the enemies of the family believe it), that +this was all a sham seizure to get quit of the debts, which he had bound +himself to pay in honour. + +It's a long time ago, there's no saying how it was, but this for +certain, the new man did not take at all after the old gentleman; the +cellars were never filled after his death, and no open house, or any +thing as it used to be; the tenants even were sent away without their +whiskey.[D] I was ashamed myself, and knew not what to say for the +honour of the family; but I made the best of a bad case, and laid it all +at my lady's door, for I did not like her any how, nor any body else; +she was of the family of the Skinflints, and a widow; it was a strange +match for Sir Murtagh; the people in the country thought he demeaned +himself greatly,[E] but I said nothing: I knew how it was; Sir Murtagh +was a great lawyer, and looked to the great Skinflint estate; there, +however, he overshot himself; for though one of the co-heiresses, he was +never the better for her, for she outlived him many's the long day--he +could not see that to be sure when he married her. I must say for her, +she made him the best of wives, being a very notable, stirring woman, +and looking close to every thing. But I always suspected she had Scotch +blood in her veins; any thing else I could have looked over in her from +a regard to the family. She was a strict observer for self and servants +of Lent, and all fast days, but not holidays. One of the maids having +fainted three times the last day of Lent, to keep soul and body +together, we put a morsel of roast beef into her mouth, which came from +Sir Murtagh's dinner, who never fasted, not he; but somehow or other it +unfortunately reached my lady's ears, and the priest of the parish had a +complaint made of it the next day, and the poor girl was forced, as soon +as she could walk, to do penance for it, before she could get any peace +or absolution, in the house or out of it. However, my lady was very +charitable in her own way. She had a charity school for poor children, +where they were taught to read and write gratis, and where they were +kept well to spinning gratis for my lady in return; for she had always +heaps of duty yarn from the tenants, and got all her household linen out +of the estate from first to last; for after the spinning, the weavers on +the estate took it in hand for nothing, because of the looms my lady's +interest could get from the Linen Board to distribute gratis. Then there +was a bleach-yard near us, and the tenant dare refuse my lady nothing, +for fear of a law-suit Sir Murtagh kept hanging over him about the +water-course. With these ways of managing, 'tis surprising how cheap my +lady got things done, and how proud she was of it. Her table the same +way, kept for next to nothing;[F] duty fowls, and duty turkeys, and +duty geese, came as fast as we could eat 'em, for my lady kept a sharp +look-out, and knew to a tub of butter every thing the tenants had, all +round. They knew her way, and what with fear of driving for rent and +Sir Murtagh's lawsuits, they were kept in such good order, they never +thought of coming near Castle Rackrent without a present of something or +other--nothing too much or too little for my lady--eggs, honey, butter, +meal, fish, game, grouse, and herrings, fresh or salt, all went for +something. As for their young pigs, we had them, and the best bacon and +hams they could make up, with all young chickens in spring; but they +were a set of poor wretches, and we had nothing but misfortunes with +them, always breaking and running away. This, Sir Murtagh and my lady +said, was all their former landlord Sir Patrick's fault, who let 'em all +get the half year's rent into arrear; there was something in that to be +sure. But Sir Murtagh was as much the contrary way; for let alone +making English tenants[G] of them, every soul, he was always driving +and driving, and pounding and pounding, and canting[H] and canting, +and replevying and replevying, and he made a good living of trespassing +cattle; there was always some tenant's pig, or horse, or cow, or calf, +or goose, trespassing, which was so great a gain to Sir Murtagh, that he +did not like to hear me talk of repairing fences. Then his heriots and +duty-work[I] brought him in something, his turf was cut, his potatoes +set and dug, his hay brought home, and, in short, all the work about his +house done for nothing; for in all our leases there were strict clauses +heavy with penalties, which Sir Murtagh knew well how to enforce; so +many days' duty work of man and horse, from every tenant, he was to +have, and had, every year; and when a man vexed him, why the finest day +he could pitch on, when the cratur was getting in his own harvest, or +thatching his cabin, Sir Murtagh made it a principle to call upon him +and his horse; so he taught 'em all, as he said, to know the law of +landlord and tenant. As for law, I believe no man, dead or alive, ever +loved it so well as Sir Murtagh. He had once sixteen suits pending at +a time, and I never saw him so much himself; roads, lanes, bogs, +wells, ponds, eel-wires, orchards, trees, tithes, vagrants, gravelpits, +sandpits, dunghills, and nuisances, every thing upon the face of the +earth furnished him good matter for a suit. He used to boast that he had +a lawsuit for every letter in the alphabet. How I used to wonder to +see Sir Murtagh in the midst of the papers in his office! Why he could +hardly turn about for them. I made bold to shrug my shoulders once in +his presence, and thanked my stars I was not born a gentleman to so much +toil and trouble; but Sir Murtagh took me up short with his old proverb, +"learning is better than house or land." Out of forty-nine suits which +he had, he never lost one but seventeen;[J] the rest he gained with +costs, double costs, treble costs sometimes; but even that did not pay. +He was a very learned man in the law, and had the character of it; but +how it was I can't tell, these suits that he carried cost him a power of +money; in the end he sold some hundreds a year of the family estate; but +he was a very learned man in the law, and I know nothing of the matter, +except having a great regard for the family; and I could not help +grieving when he sent me to post up notices of the sale of the +fee-simple of the lands and appurtenances of Timoleague. "I know, honest +Thady," says he, to comfort me, "what I'm about better than you do; I'm +only selling to get the ready money wanting to carry on my suit with +spirit with the Nugents of Carrickashaughlin." + +He was very sanguine about that suit with the Nugents of +Carrickashaughlin. He could have gained it, they say, for certain, had +it pleased Heaven to have spared him to us, and it would have been +at the least a plump two thousand a-year in his way; but things were +ordered otherwise, for the best to be sure. He dug up a fairy-mount[2] +against my advice, and had no luck afterwards. Though a learned man in +the law, he was a little too incredulous in other matters. I warned him +that I heard the very Banshee[3] that my grandfather heard under Sir +Patrick's window a few days before his death. But Sir Murtagh thought +nothing of the Banshee, nor of his cough, with a spitting of blood, +brought on, I understand, by catching cold in attending the courts, +and overstraining his chest with making himself heard in one of his +favourite causes. He was a great speaker with a powerful voice; but his +last speech was not in the courts at all. He and my lady, though both +of the same way of thinking in some things, and though she was as good a +wife and great economist as you could see, and he the best of husbands, +as to looking into his affairs, and making money for his family; yet +I don't know how it was, they had a great deal of sparring and jarring +between them. My lady had her privy purse--and she had her weed +ashes,[L] and her sealing money[M] upon the signing of all the leases, +with something to buy gloves besides; and, besides, again often took +money from the tenants, if offered properly, to speak for them to Sir +Murtagh about abatements and renewals. Now the weed ashes and the glove +money he allowed her clear perquisites; though once when he saw her in +a new gown saved out of the weed ashes, he told her to my face (for he +could say a sharp thing), that she should not put on her weeds before +her husband's death. But in a dispute about an abatement, my lady would +have the last word, and Sir Murtagh grew mad;[N] I was within hearing of +the door, and now I wish I had made bold to step in. He spoke so loud, +the whole kitchen was out on the stairs.[O] All on a sudden he stopped +and my lady too. Something has surely happened, thought I--and so it +was, for Sir Murtagh in his passion broke a blood-vessel, and all the +law in the land could do nothing in that case. My lady sent for five +physicians, but Sir Murtagh died, and was buried. She had a fine +jointure settled upon her, and took herself away to the great joy of the +tenantry. I never said any thing one way or the other, whilst she was +part of the family, but got up to see her go at three o'clock in the +morning. "It's a fine morning, honest Thady," says she; "good bye to +ye," and into the carriage she stepped, without a word more, good or +bad, or even half-a-crown; but I made my bow, and stood to see her safe +out of sight for the sake of the family. + +Then we were all bustle in the house, which made me keep out of the way, +for I walk slow and hate a bustle; but the house was all hurry-skurry, +preparing for my new master. Sir Murtagh, I forgot to notice, had no +childer;[4] so the Rackrent estate went to his younger brother, a young +dashing officer, who came amongst us before I knew for the life of me +where-abouts I was, in a gig or some of them things, with another spark +along with him, and led horses, and servants, and dogs, and scarce a +place to put any Christian of them into; for my late lady had sent all +the feather-beds off before her, and blankets and household linen, down +to the very knife cloths, on the cars to Dublin, which were all her own, +lawfully paid for out of her own money. So the house was quite bare, +and my young master, the moment ever he set foot in it out of his gig, +thought all those things must come of themselves, I believe, for he +never looked after any thing at all, but harum-scarum called for every +thing as if we were conjurers, or he in a public-house. For my part, +I could not bestir myself any how; I had been so much used to my late +master and mistress, all was upside down with me, and the new servants +in the servants' hall were quite out of my way; I had nobody to talk +to, and if it had not been for my pipe and tobacco, should, I verily +believe, have broke my heart for poor Sir Murtagh. + +But one morning my new master caught a glimpse of me as I was looking at +his horse's heels, in hopes of a word from him. "And is that old Thady?" +says he, as he got into his gig: I loved him from that day to this, +his voice was so like the family; and he threw me a guinea out of his +waistcoat pocket, as he drew up the reins with the other hand, his horse +rearing too; I thought I never set my eyes on a finer figure of a man, +quite another sort from Sir Murtagh, though withal, _to me_, a family +likeness. A fine life we should have led, had he stayed amongst us, God +bless him! He valued a guinea as little as any man: money to him was no +more than dirt, and his gentleman and groom, and all belonging to him, +the same; but the sporting season over, he grew tired of the place, and +having got down a great architect for the house, and an improver for +the grounds, and seen their plans and elevations, he fixed a day for +settling with the tenants, but went off in a whirlwind to town, just as +some of them came into the yard in the morning. A circular letter came +next post from the new agent, with news that the master was sailed +for England, and he must remit 500_l_. to Bath for his use before a +fortnight was at an end; bad news still for the poor tenants, no change +still for the better with them. Sir Kit Rackrent, my young master, left +all to the agent; and though he had the spirit of a prince, and lived +away to the honour of his country abroad, which I was proud to hear +of, what were we the better for that at home? The agent was one of your +middle men,[5] who grind the face of the poor, and can never bear a man +with a hat upon his head: he ferreted the tenants out of their lives; +not a week without a call for money, drafts upon drafts from Sir Kit; +but I laid it all to the fault of the agent; for, says I, what can Sir +Kit do with so much cash, and he a single man? but still it went. Rents +must be all paid up to the day, and afore; no allowance for improving +tenants, no consideration for those who had built upon their farms: +no sooner was a lease out, but the land was advertised to the highest +bidder, all the old tenants turned out, when they spent their substance +in the hope and trust of a renewal from the landlord. All was now let at +the highest penny to a parcel of poor wretches, who meant to run away, +and did so, after taking two crops out of the ground. Then fining down +the year's rent came into fashion,[P] any thing for the ready penny; and +with all this, and presents to the agent and the driver,[Q] there was +no such thing as standing it. I said nothing, for I had a regard for the +family; but I walked about thinking if his honour Sir Kit knew all this, +it would go hard with him, but he'd see us righted; not that I had any +thing for my own share to complain of, for the agent was always very +civil to me, when he came down into the country, and took a great deal +of notice of my son Jason. Jason Quirk, though he be my son, I must say, +was a good scholar from his birth, and a very 'cute lad: I thought to +make him a priest,[R] but he did better for himself: seeing how he +was as good a clerk as any in the county, the agent gave him his rent +accounts to copy, which he did first of all for the pleasure of obliging +the gentleman, and would take nothing at all for his trouble, but was +always proud to serve the family. By-and-by a good farm bounding us to +the east fell into his honour's hands, and my son put in a proposal for +it: why shouldn't he, as well as another? The proposals all went over to +the master at the Bath, who knowing no more of the land than the child +unborn, only having once been out a grousing on it before he went to +England; and the value of lands, as the agent informed him, falling +every year in Ireland, his honour wrote over in all haste a bit of a +letter, saying he left it all to the agent, and that he must let it +as well as he could to the best bidder, to be sure, and send him over +200_l_., by return of post: with this the agent gave me a hint, and I +spoke a good word for my son, and gave out in the country that nobody +need bid against us. So his proposal was just the thing, and he a good +tenant; and he got a promise of an abatement in the rent, after the +first year, for advancing the half year's rent at signing the lease, +which was wanting to complete the agent's 200_l_., by the return of the +post, with all which my master wrote back he was well satisfied. About +this time we learned from the agent as a great secret, how the money +went so fast, and the reason of the thick coming of the master's drafts: +he was a little too fond of play; and Bath, they say, was no place for a +young man of his fortune, where there were so many of his own countrymen +too hunting him up and down, day and night, who had nothing to lose. +At last, at Christmas, the agent wrote over to stop the drafts, for he +could raise no more money on bond or mortgage, or from the tenants, or +any how, nor had he any more to lend himself, and desired at the same +time to decline the agency for the future, wishing Sir Kit his health +and happiness, and the compliments of the season, for I saw the letter +before ever it was sealed, when my son copied it. When the answer came, +there was a new turn in affairs, and the agent was turned out; and my +son Jason, who had corresponded privately with his honour occasionally +on business, was forthwith desired by his honour to take the accounts +into his own hands, and look them over till further orders. It was +a very spirited letter to be sure: Sir Kit sent his service, and the +compliments of the season, in return to the agent, and he would fight +him with pleasure to-morrow, or any day, for sending him such a letter, +if he was born a gentleman, which he was sorry (for both their sakes) +to find (too late) he was not. Then, in a private postscript, he +condescended to tell us, that all would be speedily settled to his +satisfaction, and we should turn over a new leaf, for he was going to be +married in a fortnight to the grandest heiress in England, and had only +immediate occasion at present for 200_l_., as he would not choose +to touch his lady's fortune for travelling expenses home to Castle +Rackrent, where he intended to be, wind and weather permitting, early in +the next month; and desired fires, and the house to be painted, and the +new building to go on as fast as possible, for the reception of him and +his lady before that time; with several words besides in the letter, +which we could not make out, because, God bless him! he wrote in such +a flurry. My heart warmed to my new lady when I read this; I was almost +afraid it was too good news to be true; but the girls fell to scouring, +and it was well they did, for we soon saw his marriage in the paper, +to a lady with I don't know how many tens of thousand pounds to her +fortune: then I watched the post-office for his landing; and the news +came to my son of his and the bride being in Dublin, and on the way home +to Castle Rackrent. We had bonfires all over the country, expecting +him down the next day, and we had his coming of age still to celebrate, +which he had not time to do properly before he left the country; +therefore a great ball was expected, and great doings upon his coming, +as it were, fresh to take possession of his ancestors' estate. I never +shall forget the day he came home: we had waited and waited all day long +till eleven o'clock at night, and I was thinking of sending the boy to +lock the gates, and giving them up for that night, when there came the +carriages thundering up to the great hall door. I got the first sight of +the bride; for when the carriage door opened, just as she had her foot +on the steps, I held the flam[S] full in her face to light her, at +which she shut her eyes, but I had a full view of the rest, of her, and +greatly shocked I was, for by that light she was little better than a +blackamoor, and seemed crippled, but that was only sitting so long in +the chariot. "You're kindly welcome to Castle Rackrent, my lady," says I +(recollecting who she was); "did your honour hear of the bonfires?" His +honour spoke never a word, nor so much as handed her up the steps--he +looked to me no more like himself than nothing at all; I know I took him +for the skeleton of his honour: I was not sure what to say next to +one or t'other, but seeing she was a stranger in a foreign country, I +thought it but right to speak cheerful to her, so I went back again to +the bonfires. "My lady," says I, as she crossed the hall, "there +would have been fifty times as many, but for fear of the horses, and +frightening your ladyship: Jason and I forbid them, please your honour." +With that she looked at me a little bewildered. "Will I have a fire +lighted in the state-room to-night?" was the next question I put to her, +but never a word she answered, so I concluded she could not speak a word +of English, and was from foreign parts. The short and the long of it +was, I couldn't tell what to make of her; so I left her to herself, and +went straight down to the servants' hall to learn something for certain +about her. Sir Kit's own man was tired, but the groom set him a talking +at last, and we had it all out before ever I closed my eyes that night. +The bride might well be a great fortune--she was a _Jewish_ by all +accounts, who are famous for their great riches. I had never seen any +of that tribe or nation before, and could only gather, that she spoke +a strange kind of English of her own, that she could not abide pork or +sausages, and went neither to church or mass. Mercy upon his honour's +poor soul, thought I; what will become of him and his, and all of us, +with his heretic blackamoor at the head of the Castle Rackrent estate! I +never slept a wink all night for thinking of it: but before the servants +I put my pipe in my mouth, and kept my mind to myself; for I had a great +regard for the family; and after this, when strange gentlemen's servants +came to the house, and would begin to talk about the bride, I took +care to put the best foot foremost, and passed her for a nabob in the +kitchen, which accounted for her dark complexion and every thing. + +The very morning after they came home, however, I saw plain enough +how things were between Sir Kit and my lady, though they were walking +together arm in arm after breakfast, looking at the new building and the +improvements. "Old Thady," said my master, just as he used to do, "how +do you do?" "Very well, I thank your honour's honour," said I; but I saw +he was not well pleased, and my heart was in my mouth as I walked along +after him. "Is the large room damp, Thady?" said his honour. "Oh, damp, +your honour! how should it but be as dry as a bone," says I, "after all +the fires we have kept in it day and night? it's the barrack-room[T] +your honour's talking on." "And what is a barrack-room, pray, my dear?" +were the first words I ever heard out of my lady's lips. "No matter, my +dear!" said he, and went on talking to me, ashamed like I should witness +her ignorance. To be sure, to hear her talk one might have taken her for +an innocent,[U] for it was, "what's this, Sir Kit? and what's that, +Sir Kit?" all the way we went. To be sure, Sir Kit had enough to do to +answer her. "And what do you call that, Sir Kit?" said she, "that, that +looks like a pile of black bricks, pray, Sir Kit?" "My turf stack, my +dear," said my master, and bit his lip. Where have you lived, my lady, +all your life, not to know a turf stack when you see it? thought I, but +I said nothing. Then, by-and-by, she takes out her glass, and begins +spying over the country. "And what's all that black swamp out yonder, +Sir Kit?" says she. "My bog, my dear," says he, and went on whistling. +"It's a very ugly prospect, my dear," says she. "You don't see it, my +dear," says he, "for we've planted it out, when the trees grow up in +summer time," says he. "Where are the trees," said she, "my dear?" still +looking through her glass. "You are blind, my dear," says he; "what are +these under your eyes?" "These shrubs," said she. "Trees," said he. "May +be they are what you call trees in Ireland, my dear," said she; "but +they are not a yard high, are they?" "They were planted out but last +year, my lady," says I, to soften matters between them, for I saw she +was going the way to make his honour mad with her: "they are very +well grown for their age, and you'll not see the bog of +Allyballycarricko'shaughlin at-all-at-all through the skreen, when once +the leaves come out. But, my lady, you must not quarrel with any part +or parcel of Allyballycarricko'shaughlin, for you don't know how many +hundred years that same bit of bog has been in the family; we would not +part with the bog of Allyballycarricko'shaughlin upon no account at all; +it cost the late Sir Murtagh two hundred good pounds to defend his title +to it and boundaries against the O'Learys, who cut a road through it." +Now one would have thought this would have been hint enough for my lady, +but she fell to laughing like one out of their right mind, and made +me say the name of the bog over for her to get it by heart, a dozen +times--then she must ask me how to spell it, and what was the meaning +of it in English--Sir Kit standing by whistling all the while; I verily +believed she laid the corner stone of all her future misfortunes at that +very instant; but I said no more, only looked at Sir Kit. + +There were no balls, no dinners, no doings; the country was all +disappointed--Sir Kit's gentleman said in a whisper to me, it was all +my lady's own fault, because she was so obstinate about the cross. "What +cross?" says I; "is it about her being a heretic?" "Oh, no such matter," +says he; "my master does not mind her heresies, but her diamond cross, +it's worth I can't tell you how much; and she has thousands of English +pounds concealed in diamonds about her, which she as good as promised to +give up to my master before he married, but now she won't part with any +of them, and she must take the consequences." + +Her honey-moon, at least her Irish honey-moon, was scarcely well over, +when his honour one morning said to me, "Thady, buy me a pig!" and then +the sausages were ordered, and here was the first open breaking-out of +my lady's troubles. My lady came down herself into the kitchen, to speak +to the cook about the sausages, and desired never to see them more at +her table. Now my master had ordered them, and my lady knew that. The +cook took my lady's part, because she never came down into the kitchen, +and was young and innocent in housekeeping, which raised her pity; +besides, said she, at her own table, surely, my lady should order and +disorder what she pleases; but the cook soon changed her note, for my +master made it a principle to have the sausages, and swore at her for a +Jew herself, till he drove her fairly out of the kitchen; then, for fear +of her place, and because he threatened that my lady should give her no +discharge without the sausages, she gave up, and from that day forward +always sausages, or bacon, or pig meat in some shape or other, went up +to table; upon which my lady shut herself up in her own room, and my +master said she might stay there, with an oath: and to make sure of her, +he turned the key in the door, and kept it ever after in his pocket. We +none of us ever saw or heard her speak for seven years after that:[6] he +carried her dinner himself. Then his honour had a great deal of company +to dine with him, and balls in the house, and was as gay and gallant, +and as much himself as before he was married; and at dinner he always +drank my Lady Rackrent's good health, and so did the company, and he +sent out always a servant, with his compliments to my Lady Rackrent, and +the company was drinking her ladyship's health, and begged to know if +there was any thing at table he might send her; and the man came back, +after the sham errand, with my Lady Rackrent's compliments, and she was +very much obliged to Sir Kit--she did not wish for any thing, but drank +the company's health. The country, to be sure, talked and wondered at +my lady's being shut up, but nobody chose to interfere or ask any +impertinent questions, for they knew my master was a man very apt +to give a short answer himself, and likely to call a man out for it +afterwards; he was a famous shot; had killed his man before he came +of age, and nobody scarce dared look at him whilst at Bath. Sir Kit's +character was so well known in the country, that he lived in peace +and quietness ever after, and was a great favourite with the +ladies, especially when in process of time, in the fifth year of her +confinement, my Lady Rackrent fell ill, and took entirely to her bed, +and he gave out that she was now skin and bone, and could not last +through the winter. In this he had two physicians' opinions to back him +(for now he called in two physicians for her), and tried all his arts to +get the diamond cross from her on her death-bed, and to get her to make +a will in his favour of her separate possessions; but there she was too +tough for him. He used to swear at her behind her back, after kneeling +to her to her face, and call her in the presence of his gentleman +his stiff-necked Israelite, though before he married her, that same +gentleman told me he used to call her (how he could bring it out, I +don't know) "my pretty Jessica!" To be sure it must have been hard for +her to guess what sort of a husband he reckoned to make her. When she +was lying, to all expectation, on her death-bed of a broken heart, I +could not but pity her, though she was a Jewish; and considering too it +was no fault of hers to be taken with my master so young as she was at +the Bath, and so fine a gentleman as Sir Kit was when he courted her; +and considering too, after all they had heard and seen of him as a +husband, there were now no less than three ladies in our county talked +of for his second wife, all at daggers drawn with each other, as his +gentleman swore, at the balls, for Sir Kit for their partner,--I could +not but think them bewitched; but they all reasoned with themselves, +that Sir Kit would make a good husband to any Christian but a Jewish, +I suppose, and especially as he was now a reformed rake; and it was not +known how my lady's fortune was settled in her will, nor how the Castle +Rackrent estate was all mortgaged, and bonds out against him, for he was +never cured of his gaming tricks; but that was the only fault he had, +God bless him! + +My lady had a sort of fit, and it was given out she was dead, by +mistake: this brought things to a sad crisis for my poor master,--one +of the three ladies showed his letters to her brother, and claimed his +promises, whilst another did the same. I don't mention names. Sir Kit, +in his defence, said he would meet any man who dared to question his +conduct, and as to the ladies, they must settle it amongst them who was +to be his second, and his third, and his fourth, whilst his first was +still alive, to his mortification and theirs. Upon this, as upon all +former occasions, he had the voice of the country with him, on account +of the great spirit and propriety he acted with. He met and shot the +first lady's brother; the next day he called out the second, who had +a wooden-leg; and their place of meeting by appointment being in a new +ploughed field, the wooden-leg man stuck fast in it. Sir Kit, seeing his +situation, with great candour fired his pistol over his head; upon +which the seconds interposed, and convinced the parties there had been +a slight misunderstanding between them; thereupon they shook hands +cordially, and went home to dinner together. This gentleman, to show the +world how they stood together, and by the advice of the friends of both +parties, to re-establish his sister's injured reputation, went out with +Sir Kit as his second, and carried his message next day to the last of +his adversaries: I never saw him in such fine spirits as that day he +went out--sure enough he was within ames-ace of getting quit handsomely +of all his enemies; but unluckily, after hitting the tooth-pick out of +his adversary's finger and thumb, he received a ball in a vital part, +and was brought home, in little better than an hour after the affair, +speechless on a hand-barrow, to my lady. We got the key out of his +pocket the first thing we did, and my son Jason ran to unlock the +barrack-room, where my lady had been shut up for seven years, to +acquaint her with the fatal accident. The surprise bereaved her of her +senses at first, nor would she believe but we were putting some new +trick upon her, to entrap her out of her jewels, for a great while, till +Jason bethought himself of taking her to the window, and showed her +the men bringing Sir Kit up the avenue upon the hand-barrow, which had +immediately the desired effect; for directly she burst into tears, and +pulling her cross from her bosom, she kissed it with as great devotion +as ever I witnessed; and lifting up her eyes to heaven, uttered some +ejaculation, which none present heard; but I take the sense of it to be, +she returned thanks for this unexpected interposition in her favour when +she had least reason to expect it. My master was greatly lamented: there +was no life in him when we lifted him off the barrow, so he was laid +out immediately, and _waked_ the same night. The country was all in an +uproar about him, and not a soul but cried shame upon his murderer; +who would have been hanged surely, if he could have been brought to his +trial, whilst the gentlemen in the country were up about it; but he very +prudently withdrew himself to the continent before the affair was made +public. As for the young lady, who was the immediate cause of the fatal +accident, however innocently, she could never show her head after at the +balls in the county or any place; and by the advice of her friends and +physicians, she was ordered soon after to Bath, where it was expected, +if any where on this side of the grave, she would meet with the +recovery of her health and lost peace of mind. As a proof of his great +popularity, I need only add, that there was a song made upon my master's +untimely death in the newspapers, which was in every body's mouth, +singing up and down through the country, even down to the mountains, +only three days after his unhappy exit. He was also greatly bemoaned at +the Curragh,[V] where his cattle were well known; and all who had taken +up his bets were particularly inconsolable for his loss to society. His +stud sold at the cant[X] at the greatest price ever known in the county; +his favourite horses were chiefly disposed of amongst his particular +friends, who would give any price for them for his sake; but no ready +money was required by the new heir, who wished not to displease any +of the gentlemen of the neighbourhood just upon his coming to settle +amongst them; so a long credit was given where requisite, and the cash +has never been gathered in from that day to this. + +But to return to my lady:--She got surprisingly well after my master's +decease. No sooner was it known for certain that he was dead, than all +the gentlemen within twenty miles of us came in a body, as it were, to +set my lady at liberty, and to protest against her confinement, which +they now for the first time understood was against her own consent +The ladies too were as attentive as possible, striving who should be +foremost with their morning visits; and they that saw the diamonds spoke +very handsomely of them, but thought it a pity they were not bestowed, +if it had so pleased God, upon a lady who would have become them better. +All these civilities wrought little with my lady, for she had taken an +unaccountable prejudice against the country, and every thing belonging +to it, and was so partial to her native land, that after parting with +the cook, which she did immediately upon my master's decease, I never +knew her easy one instant, night or day, but when she was packing up +to leave us. Had she meant to make any stay in Ireland, I stood a +great chance of being a great favourite with her; for when she found I +understood the weathercock, she was always finding some pretence to be +talking to me, and asking me which way the wind blew, and was it likely, +did I think, to continue fair for England. But when I saw she had made +up her mind to spend the rest of her days upon her own income and jewels +in England, I considered her quite as a foreigner, and not at all any +longer as part of the family. She gave no vails to the servants at +Castle Rackrent at parting, notwithstanding the old proverb of "_as rich +as a Jew_," which she being a Jewish, they built upon with reason. But +from first to last she brought nothing but misfortunes amongst us; and +if it had not been all along with her, his honour, Sir Kit, would have +been now alive in all appearance. Her diamond cross was, they say, at +the bottom of it all; and it was a shame for her, being his wife, not to +show more duty, and to have given it up when he condescended to ask so +often for such a bit of a trifle in his distresses, especially when he +all along made it no secret he married for money. But we will not bestow +another thought upon her. This much I thought it lay upon my conscience +to say, in justice to my poor master's memory. + +'Tis an ill wind that blows nobody no good--the same wind that took the +Jew Lady Rackrent over to England, brought over the new heir to Castle +Rackrent. + +Here let me pause for breath in my story, for though I had a great +regard for every member of the family, yet without compare Sir Conolly, +commonly called, for short, amongst his friends, Sir Condy Rackrent, was +ever my great favourite, and, indeed, the most universally beloved man I +had ever seen or heard of, not excepting his great ancestor Sir Patrick, +to whose memory he, amongst other instances of generosity, erected a +handsome marble stone in the church of Castle Rackrent, setting forth +in large letters his age, birth, parentage, and many other virtues, +concluding with the compliment so justly due, that "Sir Patrick Rackrent +lived and died a monument of old Irish hospitality." + + + + + +CONTINUATION OF THE MEMOIRS OF THE RACKRENT FAMILY. + + + +HISTORY OF SIR CONOLLY RACKRENT. + + +Sir Condy Rackrent, by the grace of God heir-at-law to the Castle +Rackrent estate, was a remote branch of the family: born to little or +no fortune of his own, he was bred to the bar; at which, having many +friends to push him, and no mean natural abilities of his own, he +doubtless would, in process of time, if he could have borne the drudgery +of that study, have been rapidly made king's counsel, at the least; but +things were disposed of otherwise, and he never went the circuit but +twice, and then made no figure for want of a fee, and being unable to +speak in public. He received his education chiefly in the college of +Dublin; but before he came to years of discretion lived in the country, +in a small but slated house, within view of the end of the avenue. +I remember him bare footed and headed, running through the street of +O'Shaughlin's town, and playing at pitch and toss, ball, marbles, and +what not, with the boys of the town, amongst whom my son Jason was a +great favourite with him. As for me, he was ever my white-headed boy: +often's the time when I would call in at his father's, where I was +always made welcome; he would slip down to me in the kitchen, and love +to sit on my knee, whilst I told him stories of the family, and the +blood from which he was sprung, and how he might look forward, if the +_then_ present man should die without childer, to being at the head +of the Castle Rackrent estate. This was then spoke quite and clear +at random to please the child, but it pleased Heaven to accomplish my +prophecy afterwards, which gave him a great opinion of my judgment in +business. He went to a little grammar-school with many others, and my +son amongst the rest, who was in his class, and not a little useful +to him in his book learning, which he acknowledged with gratitude +ever after. These rudiments of his education thus completed, he got +a-horseback, to which exercise he was ever addicted, and used to gallop +over the country while yet but a slip of a boy, under the care of Sir +Kit's huntsman, who was very fond of him, and often lent him his gun, +and took him out a-shooting under his own eye. By these means he became +well acquainted and popular amongst the poor in the neighbourhood early; +for there was not a cabin at which he had not stopped some morning or +other, along with the huntsman, to drink a glass of burnt whiskey out of +an eggshell, to do him good and warm his heart, and drive the cold out +of his stomach. The old people always told him he was a great likeness +of Sir Patrick; which made him first have an ambition to take after him, +as far as his fortune should allow. He left us when of an age to enter +the college, and there completed his education and nineteenth year; for +as he was not born to an estate, his friends thought it incumbent on +them to give him the best education which could be had for love or +money; and a great deal of money consequently was spent upon him at +College and temple. He was a very little altered for the worse by what +he saw there of the great world; for when he came down into the country, +to pay us a visit, we thought him just the same man as ever, hand and +glove with every one, and as far from high, though not without his own +proper share of family pride, as any man ever you see. Latterly, seeing +how Sir Kit and the Jewish lived together, and that there was no one +between him and the Castle Rackrent estate, he neglected to apply to the +law as much as was expected of him; and secretly many of the tenants, +and others, advanced him cash upon his note of hand value received, +promising bargains of leases and lawful interest, should he ever come +into the estate. All this was kept a great secret, for fear the present +man, hearing of it, should take it into his head to take it ill of +poor Condy, and so should cut him off for ever, by levying a fine, and +suffering a recovery to dock the entail.[Y] Sir Murtagh would have been +the man for that; but Sir Kit was too much taken up philandering to +consider the law in this case, or any other. These practices I have +mentioned, to account for the state of his affairs, I mean Sir Condy's, +upon his coming into the Castle Rackrent estate. He could not command +a penny of his first year's income; which, and keeping no accounts, and +the great sight of company he did, with many other causes too numerous +to mention, was the origin of his distresses. My son Jason, who was now +established agent, and knew every thing, explained matters out of the +face to Sir Conolly, and made him sensible of his embarrassed situation. +With a great nominal rent-roll, it was almost all paid away in interest; +which being for convenience suffered to run on, soon doubled the +principal, and Sir Condy was obliged to pass new bonds for the interest, +now grown principal, and so on. Whilst this was going on, my son +requiring to be paid for his trouble, and many years' service in the +family gratis, and Sir Condy not willing to take his affairs into his +own hands, or to look them even in the face, he gave my son a bargain of +some acres, which Jell out of lease, at a reasonable rent. Jason set +the land, as soon as his lease was sealed, to under tenants, to make the +rent, and got two hundred a-year profit rent; which was little enough +considering his long agency. He bought the land at twelve years' +purchase two years afterwards, when Sir Condy was pushed for money on +an execution, and was at the same time allowed for his improvements +thereon. There was a sort of hunting-lodge upon the estate, convenient +to my son Jason's land, which he had his eye upon about this time; and +he was a little jealous of Sir Condy, who talked of setting it to a +stranger, who was just come into the country--Captain Moneygawl was the +man. He was son and heir to the Moneygawls of Mount Juliet's town, who +had a great estate in the next county to ours; and my master was loth to +disoblige the young gentleman, whose heart was set upon the lodge; so +he wrote him back, that the lodge was at his service, and if he would +honour him with his company at Castle Rackrent, they could ride over +together some morning, and look at it, before signing the lease. +Accordingly the captain came over to us, and he and Sir Condy grew +the greatest friends ever you see, and were for ever out a-shooting or +hunting together, and were very merry in the evenings; and Sir Condy was +invited of course to Mount Juliet's town; and the family intimacy that +had been in Sir Patrick's time was now recollected, and nothing would +serve Sir Condy but he must be three times a-week at the least with +his new friends, which grieved me, who knew, by the captain's groom and +gentleman, how they talked of him at Mount Juliet's town, making +him quite, as one may say, a laughing-stock and a butt for the whole +company; but they were soon cured of _that_ by an accident that +surprised 'em not a little, as it did me. There was a bit of a scrawl +found upon the waiting-maid of old Mr. Moneygawl's youngest daughter, +Miss Isabella, that laid open the whole; and her father, they say, was +like _one out of his right mind_, and swore it was the last thing he +ever should have thought of, when he invited my master to his house, +that his daughter should think of such a match. But their talk signified +not a straw, for, as Miss. Isabella's maid reported, her young mistress +was fallen over head and ears in love with Sir Condy, from the first +time that ever her brother brought him into the house to dinner: the +servant who waited that day behind my master's chair was the first who +knew it, as he says; though it's hard to believe him, for he did not +tell it till a great while afterwards; but, however, it's likely enough, +as the thing turned out, that he was not far out of the way; for towards +the middle of dinner, as he says, they were talking of stage-plays, +having a playhouse, and being great play-actors at Mount Juliet's town; +and Miss Isabella turns short to my master, and says, "Have you seen the +play-bill, Sir Condy?" "No, I have not," said he. "Then more shame for +you," said the captain her brother, "not to know that my sister is to +play Juliet to-night, who plays it better than any woman on or off the +stage in all Ireland." "I am very happy to hear it," said Sir Condy; and +there the matter dropped for the present. But Sir Condy all this time, +and it great while afterwards, was at a terrible nonplus; for he had +no liking, not he, to stage-plays, nor to Miss Isabella either; to his +mind, as it came out over a bowl of whiskey-punch at home, his little +Judy M'Quirk, who was daughter to a sister's son of mine, was worth +twenty of Miss Isabella. He had seen her often when he stopped at her +father's cabin to drink whiskey out of the egg-shell, out hunting, +before he came to the estate, and, as she gave out, was under something +like a promise of marriage to her. Any how, I could not but pity my poor +master, who was so bothered between them, and he an easy-hearted man, +that could not disoblige nobody, God bless him! To be sure, it was not +his place to behave ungenerous to Miss Isabella, who had disobliged all +her relations for his sake, as he remarked; and then she was locked up +in her chamber, and forbid to think of him any more, which raised his +spirit, because his family was, as he observed, as good as theirs at any +rate, and the Rackrents a suitable match for the Moneygawls any day in +the year: all which was true enough; but it grieved me to see, that +upon the strength of all this, Sir Condy was growing more in the mind to +carry off Miss Isabella to Scotland, in spite of her relations, as she +desired. + +"It's all over with our poor Judy!" said I, with a heavy sigh, making +bold to speak to him one night when he was a little cheerful, and +standing in the servants' hall all alone with me, as was often his +custom. "Not at all," said he; "I never was fonder of Judy than at this +present speaking; and to prove it to you," said he, and he took from my +hand a halfpenny, change that I had just got along with my tobacco, "and +to prove it to you, Thady," says he, "it's a toss up with me which I +should marry this minute, her or Mr. Moneygawl of Mount Juliet's town's +daughter--so it is." "Oh, boo! boo!" [7] says I, making light of it, +to see what he would go on to next; "your honour's joking, to be sure; +there's no compare between our poor Judy and Miss Isabella, who has a +great fortune, they say." "I'm not a man to mind a fortune, nor never +was," said Sir Condy, proudly, "whatever her friends may say; and to +make short of it," says he, "I'm come to a determination upon the spot;" +with that he swore such a terrible oath, as made me cross myself; "and +by this book," said he, snatching up my ballad book, mistaking it for my +prayer book, which lay in the window; "and by this book," says he, "and +by all the books that ever were shut and opened, it's come to a toss-up +with me, and I'll stand or fall by the toss; and so Thady, hand me over +that _pin_[8] out of the ink-horn," and he makes a cross on the smooth +side of the halfpenny; "Judy M'Quirk," says he, "her mark." [9] God +bless him! his hand was a little unsteadied by all the whiskey punch he +had taken, but it was plain to see his heart was for poor Judy. My heart +was all as one as in my mouth when I saw the halfpenny up in the air, +but I said nothing at all; and when it came down, I was glad I had kept +myself to myself, for to be sure now it was all over with poor Judy. +"Judy's out a luck," said I, striving to laugh. "I'm out a luck," said +he; and I never saw a man look so cast down: he took up the halfpenny +off the flag, and walked away quite sober-like by the shock. Now, though +as easy a man, you would think, as any in the wide world, there was no +such thing as making him unsay one of these sort of vows,[10] which he +had learned to reverence when young, as I well remember teaching him to +toss up for bog-berries on my knee. So I saw the affair was as good as +settled between him and Miss Isabella, and I had no more to say but +to wish her joy, which I did the week afterwards, upon her return from +Scotland with my poor master. + +My new lady was young, as might be supposed of a lady that had been +carried off, by her own consent, to Scotland; but I could only see her +at first through her veil, which, from bashfulness or fashion, she kept +over her face. "And am I to walk through all this crowd of people, my +dearest love?" said she to Sir Condy, meaning us servants and tenants, +who had gathered at the hack gate. "My dear," said Sir Condy, "there's +nothing for it but to walk, or to let me carry you as far as the house, +for you see the back road is too narrow for a carriage, and the great +piers have tumbled down across the front approach; so there's no driving +the right way, by reason of the ruins." "Plato, thou reasonest well!" +said she, or words to that effect, which I could no ways understand; and +again, when her foot stumbled against a broken bit of a car-wheel, she +cried out, "Angels and ministers of grace defend us!" Well, thought I, +to be sure, if she's no Jewish, like the last, she is a mad woman for +certain, which is as bad: it would have been as well for my poor master +to have taken up with poor Judy, who is in her right mind, any how. + +She was dressed like a mad woman, moreover, more than like any one I +ever saw afore or since, and I could not take my eyes off her, but still +followed behind her; and her feathers on the top of her hat were broke +going in at the low back door, and she pulled out her little bottle out +of her pocket to smell to when she found herself in the kitchen, and +said, "I shall faint with the heat of this odious, odious place." "My +dear, it's only three steps across the kitchen, and there's a fine air +if your veil was up," said Sir Condy, and with that threw hack her veil, +so that I had then a full sight of her face; she had not at all the +colour of one going to faint, but a fine complexion of her own, as I +then took it to be, though her maid told me after it was all put on; +but even complexion and all taken in, she was no way, in point of good +looks, to compare to poor Judy; and with all she had a quality toss with +her; but may be it was my over-partiality to Judy, into whose place I +may say she stepped, that made me notice all this. To do her justice, +however, she was, when we came to know her better, very liberal in her +house-keeping, nothing at all of the skinflint in her; she left every +thing to the housekeeper; and her own maid, Mrs. Jane, who went with her +to Scotland, gave her the best of characters for generosity. She seldom +or ever wore a thing twice the same way, Mrs. Jane told us, and was +always pulling her things to pieces, and giving them away; never being +used, in her father's house, to think of expense in any thing; and she +reckoned, to be sure, to go on the same way at Castle Rackrent; but, +when I came to inquire, I learned that her father was so mad with her +for running off, after his locking her up, and forbidding her to think +any more of Sir Condy, that he would not give her a farthing; and it was +lucky for her she had a few thousands of her own, which had been left to +her by a good grandmother, and these were very convenient to begin with. +My master and my lady set out in great style; they had the finest coach +and chariot, and horses and liveries, and cut the greatest dash in the +county, returning their wedding visits: and it was immediately reported, +that her father had undertaken to pay all my master's debts, and of +course all his tradesmen gave him a new credit, and every thing went on +smack smooth, and I could not but admire my lady's spirit, and was proud +to see Castle Rackrent again in all its glory. My lady had a fine taste +for building, and furniture, and playhouses, and she turned every thing +topsy-turvy, and made the barrack-room into a theatre, as she called it, +and she went on as if she had a mint of money at her elbow; and, to be +sure, I thought she knew best, especially as Sir Condy said nothing to +it one way or the other. All he asked, God bless him! was to live in +peace and quietness, and have his bottle or his whiskey punch at night +to himself. Now this was little enough, to be sure, for any gentleman; +but my lady couldn't abide the smell of the whiskey punch. "My dear," +says he, "you liked it well enough before we were married, and why not +now?" "My dear," said she, "I never smelt it, or I assure you I should +never have prevailed upon myself to marry you." "My dear, I am sorry +you did not smell it; but we can't help that now," returned my master, +without putting himself in a passion, or going out of his way, but just +fair and easy helped himself to another glass, and drank it off to her +good health. All this the butler told me, who was going backwards and +forwards unnoticed with the jug, and hot water, and sugar, and all he +thought wanting. Upon my master's swallowing the last glass of whiskey +punch, my lady burst into tears, calling him an ungrateful, base, +barbarous wretch! and went off into a fit of hysterics, as I think Mrs. +Jane called it, and my poor master was greatly frightened, this being +the first thing of the kind he had seen; and he fell straight on his +knees before her, and, like a good-hearted cratur as he was, ordered the +whiskey punch out of the room, and bid 'em throw open all the windows, +and cursed himself: and then my lady came to herself again, and when +she saw him kneeling there, bid him get up, and not forswear himself any +more, for that she was sure he did not love her, and never had: this +we learned from Mrs. Jane, who was the only person left present at all +this. "My dear," returns my master, thinking, to be sure, of Judy, as +well he might, "whoever told you so is an incendiary, and I'll have 'em +turned out of the house this minute, if you'll only let me know which +of them it was." "Told me what?" said my lady, starting upright in her +chair. "Nothing at all, nothing at all," said my master, seeing he had +overshot himself, and that my lady spoke at random; "but what you said +just now, that I did not love you, Bella; who told you that?" "My own +sense," she said, and she put her handkerchief to her face, and leant +back upon Mrs. Jane, and fell to sobbing as if her heart would break. +"Why now, Bella, this is very strange of you," said my poor master; "if +nobody has told you--nothing, what is it you are taking on for at this +rate, and exposing yourself and me for this way?" "Oh, say no more, say +no more; every word you say kills me," cried my lady; and she ran on +like one, as Mrs. Jane says, raving, "Oh, Sir Condy, Sir Condy! I that +had hoped to find in you----" "Why now, faith, this is a little too +much; do, Bella, try to recollect yourself, my dear; am not I your +husband, and of your own choosing; and is not that enough?" "Oh, too +much! too much!" cried my lady, wringing her hands. "Why, my dear, come +to your right senses, for the love of heaven. See, is not the whiskey +punch, jug and bowl, and all, gone out of the room long ago? What is it, +in the wide world, you have to complain of?" But still my lady sobbed +and sobbed, and called herself the most wretched of women; and among +other out-of-the-way provoking things, asked my master, was he fit for +company for her, and he drinking all night? This nettling him, which it +was hard to do, he replied, that as to drinking all night, he was then +as sober as she was herself, and that it was no matter how much a man +drank, provided it did no ways affect or stagger him: that as to being +fit company for her, he thought himself of a family to be fit company +for any lord or lady in the land; but that he never prevented her from +seeing and keeping what company she pleased, and that he had done his +best to make Castle Rackrent pleasing to her since her marriage, having +always had the house full of visitors, and if her own relations were not +amongst them, he said that was their own fault, and their pride's fault, +of which he was sorry to find her ladyship had so unbecoming a share. So +concluding, he took his candle and walked off to his room, and my lady +was in her tantarums for three days after; and would have been so much +longer, no doubt, but some of her friends, young ladies, and cousins, +and second cousins, came to Castle Rackrent, by my poor master's express +invitation, to see her, and she was in a hurry to get up, as Mrs. Jane +called it, a play for them, and so got well, and was as finely dressed, +and as happy to look at, as ever; and all the young ladies, who used to +be in her room dressing of her, said, in Mrs. Jane's hearing, that my +lady was the happiest bride ever they had seen, and that to be sure a +love-match was the only thing for happiness, where the parties could any +way afford it. + +As to affording it, God knows it was little they knew of the matter; +my lady's few thousands could not last for ever, especially the way she +went on with them; and letters from tradesfolk came every post thick and +threefold with bills as long as my arm, of years' and years' standing: +my son Jason had 'em all handed over to him, and the pressing letters +were all unread by Sir Condy, who hated trouble, and could never be +brought to hear talk of business, but still put it off and put it off, +saying, settle it any how, or bid 'em call again to-morrow, or speak to +me about it some other time. Now it was hard to find the right time to +speak, for in the mornings he was a-bed, and in the evenings over +his bottle, where no gentleman chooses to be disturbed. Things in a +twelvemonth or so came to such a pass there was no making a shift to go +on any longer, though we were all of us well enough used to live from +hand to mouth at Castle Rackrent. One day, I remember, when there was a +power of company, all sitting after dinner in the dusk, not to say dark, +in the drawing-room, my lady having rung five times for candles, and +none to go up, the housekeeper sent up the footman, who went to my +mistress, and whispered behind her chair how it was. "My lady," says he, +"there are no candles in the house." "Bless me," says she; "then take +a horse and gallop off as fast as you can to Carrick O'Fungus, and get +some." "And in the mean time tell them to step into the playhouse, and +try if there are not some bits left," added Sir Condy, who happened to +be within hearing. The man was sent up again to my lady, to let her know +there was no horse to go, but one that wanted a shoe. "Go to Sir Condy +then; I know nothing at all about the horses," said my lady; "why do you +plague me with these things?" How it was settled I really forget, but to +the best of my remembrance, the boy was sent down to my son Jason's +to borrow candles for the night. Another time in the winter, and on +a desperate cold day, there was no turf in for the parlour and above +stairs, and scarce enough for the cook in the kitchen; the little +_gossoon_[11] was sent off to the neighbours, to see and beg or borrow +some, but none could he bring back with him for love or money; so as +needs must, we were forced to trouble Sir Condy--"Well, and if there's +no turf to be had in the town or country, why what signifies talking +any more about it; can't ye go and cut down a tree?" "Which tree, please +your honour?" I made bold to say. "Any tree at all that's good to burn," +said Sir Condy; "send off smart and get one down, and the fires lighted, +before my lady gets up to breakfast, or the house will be too hot to +hold us." He was always very considerate in all things about my lady, +and she wanted for nothing whilst he had it to give. Well, when things +were tight with them about this time, my son Jason put in a word +again about the lodge, and made a genteel offer to lay down the +purchase-money, to relieve Sir Condy's distresses. Now Sir Condy had +it from the best authority, that there were two writs come down to the +sheriff against his person, and the sheriff, as ill luck would have it, +was no friend of his, and talked how he must do his duty, and how he +would do it, if it was against the first man in the country, or even +his own brother; let alone one who had voted against him at the last +election, as Sir Condy had done. So Sir Condy was fain to take the +purchase-money of the lodge from my son Jason to settle matters; and +sure enough it was a good bargain for both parties, for my son bought +the fee-simple of a good house for him and his heirs for ever, for +little or nothing, and by selling of it for that same, my master saved +himself from a gaol. Every way it turned out fortunate for Sir Condy; +for before the money was all gone there came a general election, and he +being so well beloved in the county, and one of the oldest families, no +one had a better right to stand candidate for the vacancy; and he was +called upon by all his friends, and the whole county I may say, to +declare himself against the old member, who had little thought of a +contest. My master did not relish the thoughts of a troublesome canvass, +and all the ill-will he might bring upon himself by disturbing the peace +of the county, besides the expense, which was no trifle; but all his +friends called upon one another to subscribe, and they formed themselves +into a committee, and wrote all his circular letters for him, and +engaged all his agents, and did all the business unknown to him; and he +was well pleased that it should be so at last, and my lady herself was +very sanguine about the election; and there was open house kept night +and day at Castle Rackrent, and I thought I never saw my lady look so +well in her life as she did at that time: there were grand dinners, and +all the gentlemen drinking success to Sir Condy till they were carried +off; and then dances and balls, and the ladies all finishing with a +raking pot of tea in the morning.[Z] Indeed it was well the company +made it their choice to sit up all nights, for there were not half +beds enough for the sights of people that were in it, though there were +shake-downs in the drawing-room always made up before sunrise for those +that liked it. For my part, when I saw the doings that were going on, +and the loads of claret that went down the throats of them that had no +right to be asking for it, and the sights of meat that went up to table +and never came down, besides what was carried off to one or t'other +below stairs, I couldn't but pity my poor master, who was to pay for +all; but I said nothing, for fear of gaining myself ill-will. The day of +election will come some time or other, says I to myself, and all will +be over; and so it did, and a glorious day it was as any I ever had the +happiness to see. "Huzza! huzza! Sir Condy Rackrent for ever!" was the +first thing I hears in the morning, and the same and nothing else all +day, and not a soul sober only just when polling, enough to give their +votes as became 'em, and to stand the browbeating of the lawyers, who +came tight enough upon us; and many of our freeholders were knocked off, +having never a freehold that they could safely swear to, and Sir Condy +was not willing to have any man perjure himself for his sake, as was +done on the other side, God knows; but no matter for that. Some of our +friends were dumb-founded, by the lawyers asking them: Had they ever +been upon the ground where their free-holds lay? Now, Sir Condy being +tender of the consciences of them that had not been on the ground, and +so could not swear to a freehold when cross-examined by them lawyers, +sent out for a couple of cleaves-full of the sods of his farm of +Gulteeshinnagh[12] and as soon as the sods came into town, he set each +man upon his sod, and so then, ever after, you know, they could fairly +swear they had been upon the ground.[13] We gained the day by this piece +of honesty.[A2] I thought I should have died in the streets for joy when +I seed my poor master chaired, and he bareheaded, and it raining as hard +as it could pour; but all the crowds following him up and down, and +he bowing and shaking hands with the whole town. "Is that Sir Condy +Rackrent in the chair?" says a stranger man in the crowd. "The same," +says I; "who else should it he? God bless him!" "And I take it, then, +you belong to him?" says he. "Not at all," says I; "but I live under +him, and have done so these two hundred years and upwards, me and mine." +"It's lucky for you, then," rejoins he, "that he is where he is; for +was he any where else but in the chair, this minute he'd be in a worse +place; for I was sent down on purpose to put him up,[14] and here's my +order for so doing in my pocket." It was a writ that villain the wine +merchant had marked against my poor master for some hundreds of an old +debt, which it was a shame to be talking of at such a time as this. +"Put it in your pocket again, and think no more of it any ways for seven +years to come, my honest friend," says I; "he's a member of parliament +now, praised be God, and such as you can't touch him: and if you'll take +a fool's advice, I'd have you keep out of the way this day, or you'll +run a good chance of getting your deserts amongst my master's friends, +unless you choose to drink his health like every body else." "I've no +objection to that in life," said he; so we went into one of the public +houses kept open for my master; and we had a great deal of talk about +this thing and that. "And how is it," says he, "your master keeps on so +well upon his legs? I heard say he was off Holantide twelvemonth past." +"Never was better or heartier in his life," said I. "It's not that I'm +after speaking of," said he; "but there was a great report of his being +ruined." "No matter," says I, "the sheriffs two years running were his +particular friends, and the sub-sheriffs were both of them gentlemen, +and were properly spoken to; and so the writs lay snug with them, and +they, as I understand by my son Jason the custom in them cases is, +returned the writs as they came to them to those that sent 'em; much +good may it do them! with a word in Latin, that no such person as +Sir Condy Rackrent, Bart., was to be found in those parts." "Oh, I +understand all those ways better, no offence, than you," says he, +laughing, and at the same time filling his glass to my master's good +health, which convinced me he was a warm friend in his heart after +all, though appearances were a little suspicious or so at first. "To +be sure," says he, still cutting his joke, "when a man's over head and +shoulders in debt, he may live the faster for it, and the better, if he +goes the right way about it; or else how is it so many live on so well, +as we see every day, after they are ruined?" "How is it," says I, being +a little merry at the time; "how is it but just as you see the ducks +in the chicken-yard, just after their heads are cut off by the cook, +running round and round faster than when alive?" At which conceit he +fell a laughing, and remarked he had never had the happiness yet to see +the chicken-yard at Castle Rackrent. "It won't be long so, I hope," says +I; "you'll be kindly welcome there, as every body is made by my master: +there is not a freer spoken gentleman, or a better beloved, high or low, +in all Ireland." And of what passed after this I'm not sensible, for we +drank Sir Condy's good health and the downfall of his enemies till we +could stand no longer ourselves. And little did I think at the time, +or till long after, how I was harbouring my poor master's greatest of +enemies myself. This fellow had the impudence, after coming to see the +chicken-yard, to get me to introduce him to my son Jason; little more +than the man that never was born did I guess at his meaning by this +visit: he gets him a correct list fairly drawn out from my son Jason of +all my master's debts, and goes straight round to the creditors and buys +them all up, which he did easy enough, seeing the half of them never +expected to see their money out of Sir Condy's hands. Then, when this +base-minded limb of the law, as I afterward detected him in being, grew +to be sole creditor over all, he takes him out a custodiam on all the +denominations and sub-denominations, and every carton[B2] and half +carton upon the estate; and not content with that, must have an +execution against the master's goods and down to the furniture, though +little worth, of Castle Rackrent itself. But this is a part of my story +I'm not come to yet, and its bad to be forestalling: ill news flies fast +enough all the world over. + +To go back to the day of the election, which I never think of but with +pleasure and tears of gratitude for those good times; after the election +was quite and clean over, there comes shoals of people from all parts, +claiming to have obliged my master with their votes, and putting him in +mind of promises which he could never remember himself to have made: one +was to have a freehold for each of his four sons; another was to have +a renewal of a lease; another an abatement; one came to be paid ten +guineas for a pair of silver buckles sold my master on the hustings, +which turned out to be no better than copper gilt; another had a long +bill for oats, the half of which never went into the granary to my +certain knowledge, and the other half were not fit for the cattle to +touch; but the bargain was made the week before the election, and the +coach and saddle horses were got into order for the day, besides a vote +fairly got by them oats; so no more reasoning on that head; but then +there was no end to them that were telling Sir Condy he had engaged to +make their sons excisemen, or high constables, or the like; and as for +them that had bills to give in for liquor, and beds, and straw, and +ribands, and horses, and postchaises for the gentlemen freeholders that +came from all parts and other counties to vote for my master, and were +not, to be sure, to be at any charges, there was no standing against all +these; and, worse than all, the gentlemen of my master's committee, who +managed all for him, and talked how they'd bring him in without costing +him a penny, and subscribed by hundreds very genteelly, forgot to pay +their subscriptions, and had laid out in agents' and lawyers' fees and +secret service money the Lord knows how much; and my master could never +ask one of them for their subscription you are sensible, nor for the +price of a fine horse he had sold one of them; so it all was left at his +door. He could never, God bless him again! I say, bring himself to ask +a gentleman for money, despising such sort of conversation himself; but +others, who were not gentlemen born, behaved very uncivil in pressing +him at this very time, and all he could do to content 'em all was to +take himself out of the way as fast as possible to Dublin, where my lady +had taken a house fitting for him as a member of parliament, to attend +his duty in there all the winter. I was very lonely when the whole +family was gone, and all the things they had ordered to go, and forgot, +sent after them by the car. There was then a great silence in Castle +Rackrent, and I went moping from room to room, hearing the doors clap +for want of right locks, and the wind through the broken windows, that +the glazier never would come to mend, and the rain coming through the +roof and best ceilings all over the house for want of the slater, whose +bill was not paid, besides our having no slates or shingles for that +part of the old building which was shingled and burnt when the chimney +took fire, and had been open to the weather ever since. I took myself to +the servants' hall in the evening to smoke my pipe as usual, but missed +the bit of talk we used to have there sadly, and ever after was content +to stay in the kitchen and boil my little potatoes,[15] and put up my +bed there; and every post-day I looked in the newspaper, but no news of +my master in the House; he never spoke good or bad; but as the butler +wrote down word to my son Jason, was very ill used by the government +about a place that was promised him and never given, after his +supporting them against his conscience very honourably, and being +greatly abused for it, which hurt him greatly, he having the name of a +great patriot in the country before. The house and living in Dublin too +were not to be had for nothing, and my son Jason said, "Sir Condy must +soon be looking out for a new agent, for I've done my part, and can do +no more:--if my lady had the bank of Ireland to spend, it would go all +in one winter, and Sir Condy would never gainsay her, though he does not +care the rind of a lemon for her all the while." + +Now I could not bear to hear Jason giving out after this manner against +the family, and twenty people standing by in the street. Ever since he +had lived at the lodge of his own, he looked down, howsomever, upon poor +old Thady, and was grown quite a great gentleman, and had none of his +relations near him: no wonder he was no kinder to poor Sir Condy than to +his own kith or kin.[16] In the spring it was the villain that got the +list of the debts from him brought down the custodiam, Sir Condy still +attending his duty in parliament, and I could scarcely believe my own +old eyes, or the spectacles with which I read it, when I was shown my +son Jason's name joined in the custodiam; but he told me it was only for +form's sake, and to make things easier than if all the land was under +the power of a total stranger. Well, I did not know what to think; it +was hard to be talking ill of my own, and I could not but grieve for my +poor master's fine estate, all torn by these vultures of the law; so I +said nothing, but just looked on to see how it would all end. + +It was not till the month of June that he and my lady came down to +the country. My master was pleased to take me aside with him to the +brewhouse that same evening, to complain to me of my son and other +matters, in which he said he was confident I had neither art nor part; +he said a great deal more to me, to whom he had been fond to talk ever +since he was my white-headed boy, before he came to the estate; and all +that he said about poor Judy I can never forget, but scorn to repeat. He +did not say an unkind word of my lady, but wondered, as well he might, +her relations would do nothing for him or her, and they in all this +great distress. He did not take any thing long to heart, let it be as +it would, and had no more malice, or thought of the like in him, than a +child that can't speak; this night it was all out of his head before +he went to his bed. He took his jug of whiskey punch--my lady was grown +quite easy about the whiskey punch by this time, and so I did suppose +all was going on right betwixt them, till I learnt the truth through +Mrs. Jane, who talked over their affairs to the housekeeper, and I +within hearing. The night my master came home thinking of nothing at all +but just making merry, he drank his bumper toast "to the deserts of +that old curmudgeon my father-in-law, and all enemies at Mount Juliet's +Town." Now my lady was no longer in the mind she formerly was, and did +no ways relish hearing her own friends abused in her presence, she said, +"Then why don't they show themselves your friends," said my master, "and +oblige me with the loan of the money I condescended, by your advice, my +dear, to ask? It's now three posts since I sent off my letter, desiring +in the postscript a speedy answer by the return of the post, and no +account at all from them yet." "I expect they'll write to _me_ next +post," says my lady, and that was all that passed then; but it was easy +from this to guess there was a coolness betwixt them, and with good +cause. + +The next morning, being post-day, I sent off the gossoon early to +the post-office, to see was there any letter likely to set matters to +rights, and he brought back one with the proper post-mark upon it, sure +enough, and I had no time to examine, or make any conjecture more about +it, for into the servants' hall pops Mrs. Jane with a blue bandbox in +her hand, quite entirely mad. "Dear ma'am, and what's the matter?" says +I. "Matter enough," says she; "don't you see my bandbox is wet through, +and my best bonnet here spoiled, besides my lady's, and all by the rain +coming in through that gallery window, that you might have got mended, +if you'd had any sense, Thady, all the time we were in town in the +winter?" "Sure, I could not get the glazier, ma'am," says I. "You might +have stopped it up any how," says she. "So I did, ma'am, to the best +of my ability; one of the panes with the old pillow-case, and the other +with a piece of the old stage green curtain; sure I was as careful as +possible all the time you were away, and not a drop of rain came in at +that window of all the windows in the house, all winter, ma'am, when +under my care; and now the family's come home, and it's summer time, +I never thought no more about it, to be sure; but dear, it's a pity to +think of your bonnet, ma'am; but here's what will please you, ma'am, a +letter from Mount Juliet's Town for my lady." With that she snatches it +from me without a word more, and runs up the back stairs to my mistress; +I follows with a slate to make up the window. This window was in the +long passage, or gallery, as my lady gave out orders to have it called, +in the gallery leading to my master's bedchamber and hers. And when I +went up with the slate, the door having no lock, and the bolt spoilt, +was a-jar after Mrs. Jane, and as I was busy with the window, I heard +all that was saying within. + +"Well, what's in your letter, Bella, my dear?" says he: "you're a long +time spelling it over." "Won't you shave this morning, Sir Condy?" +says she, and put the letter into her pocket. "I shaved the day before +yesterday," says he, "my dear, and that's not what I'm thinking of +now; but any thing to oblige you, and to have peace and quietness, my +dear"--and presently I had the glimpse of him at the cracked glass over +the chimney-piece, standing up shaving himself to please my lady. But +she took no notice, but went on reading her book, and Mrs. Jane doing +her hair behind. "What is it you're reading there, my dear?--phoo, I've +cut myself with this razor; the man's a cheat that sold it me, but I +have not paid him for it yet: what is it you're reading there? did you +hear me asking you, my dear?" "The Sorrows of Werter," replies my lady, +as well as I could hear. "I think more of the sorrows of Sir Condy," +says my master, joking like. "What news from Mount Juliet's Town?" +"No news," says she, "but the old story over again, my friends all +reproaching me still for what I can't help now." "Is it for marrying +me?" said my master, still shaving: "what signifies, as you say, talking +of that, when it can't be help'd now?" + +With that she heaved a great sigh, that I heard plain enough in the +passage. "And did not you use me basely, Sir Condy," says she, "not to +tell me you were ruined before I married you?" "Tell you, my dear," +said he; "did you ever ask me one word about it? and had not you friends +enough of your own, that were telling you nothing else from morning to +night, if you'd have listened to them slanders?" "No slanders, nor +are my friends slanderers; and I can't bear to hear them treated with +disrespect as I do," says my lady, and took out her pocket handkerchief; +"they are the best of friends; and if I had taken their advice--. But my +father was wrong to lock me up, I own; that was the only unkind thing I +can charge him with; for if he had not locked me up, I should never have +had a serious thought of running away as I did." "Well, my dear," said +my master, "don't cry and make yourself uneasy about it now, when it's +all over, and you have the man of your own choice, in spite of 'em all." +"I was too young, I know, to make a choice at the time you ran away with +me, I'm sure," says my lady, and another sigh, which made my master, +half shaved as he was, turn round upon her in surprise. "Why, Bell," +says he, "you can't deny what you know as well as I do, that it was at +your own particular desire, and that twice under your own hand and seal +expressed, that I should carry you off as I did to Scotland, and marry +you there." "Well, say no more about it, Sir Condy," said my lady, +pettish like--"I was a child then, you know." "And as far as I know, +you're little better now, my dear Bella, to be talking in this manner to +your husband's _face_; but I won't take it ill of you, for I know it's +something in that letter you put into your pocket just now, that has set +you against me all on a sudden, and imposed upon your understanding." +"It's not so very easy as you think it, Sir Condy, to impose upon _my_ +understanding," said my lady. "My dear," says he, "I have, and with +reason, the best opinion of your understanding of any man now breathing; +and you know I have never set my own in competition with it till now, +my dear Bella," says he, taking her hand from her book as kind as could +be--"till now, when I have the great advantage of being quite cool, and +you not; so don't believe one word your friends say against your own Sir +Condy, and lend me the letter out of your pocket, till I see what it is +they can have to say." "Take it then," says she, "and as you are quite +cool, I hope it is a proper time to request you'll allow me to comply +with the wishes of all my own friends, and return to live with my father +and family, during the remainder of my wretched existence, at Mount +Juliet's Town." + +At this, my poor master fell back a few paces, like one that had been +shot. "You're not serious, Bella," says he; "and could you find it in +your heart to leave me this way in the very middle of my distresses, +all alone?" But recollecting himself after his first surprise, and +a moment's time for reflection, he said, with a great deal of +consideration for my lady, "Well, Bella, my dear, I believe you are +right; for what could you do at Castle Rackrent, and an execution +against the goods coming down, and the furniture to be canted, and an +auction in the house all next week? so you have my full consent to go, +since that is your desire, only you must not think of my accompanying +you, which I could not in honour do upon the terms I always have been, +since our marriage, with your friends; besides, I have business to +transact at home; so in the mean time, if we are to have any breakfast +this morning, let us go down and have it for the last time in peace and +comfort, Bella." + +Then as I heard my master coming to the passage door, I finished +fastening up my slate against the broken pane; and when he came out, I +wiped down the window seat with my wig,[17] and bade him a good morrow +as kindly as I could, seeing he was in trouble, though he strove and +thought to hide it from me. "This window is all racked and tattered," +says I, "and it's what I'm striving to mend." "It _is_ all racked and +tattered, plain enough," says he, "and never mind mending it, honest old +Thady," says he; "it will do well enough for you and I, and that's all +the company we shall have left in the house by-and-by." "I'm sorry to +see your honour so low this morning," says I; "but you'll be better +after taking your breakfast." "Step down to the servants' hall," said +he, "and bring me up the pen and ink into the parlour, and get a sheet +of paper from Mrs. Jane, for I have business that can't brook to be +delayed; and come into the parlour with the pen and ink yourself, Thady, +for I must have you to witness my signing a paper I have to execute in a +hurry." Well, while I was getting of the pen and ink-horn, and the sheet +of paper, I ransacked my brains to think what could be the papers my +poor master could have to execute in such a hurry, he that never thought +of such a thing as doing business afore breakfast, in the whole +course of his life, for any man living; but this was for my lady, as I +afterwards found, and the more genteel of him after all her treatment. + +I was just witnessing the paper that he had scrawled over, and was +shaking the ink out of my pen upon the carpet, when my lady came in to +breakfast, and she started as if it had been a ghost! as well she might, +when she saw Sir Condy writing at this unseasonable hour. "That will do +very well, Thady," says he to me, and took the paper I had signed to, +without knowing what upon the earth it might be, out of my hands, and +walked, folding it up, to my lady. + +"You are concerned in this, my Lady Rackrent," said he, putting it into +her hands; "and I beg you'll keep this memorandum safe, and show it to +your friends the first thing you do when you get home; but put it in +your pocket now, my dear, and let us eat our breakfast, in God's name." +"What is all this?" said my lady, opening the paper in great curiosity. +"It's only a bit of a memorandum of what I think becomes me to do +whenever I am able," says my master; "you know my situation, tied hand +and foot at the present time being, but that can't last always, and when +I'm dead and gone, the land will be to the good, Thady, you know; +and take notice, it's my intention your lady should have a clear five +hundred a year jointure off the estate afore any of my debts are paid." +"Oh, please your honour," says I, "I can't expect to live to see that +time, being now upwards of fourscore years of age, and you a young man, +and likely to continue so, by the help of God." I was vexed to see my +lady so insensible too, for all she said was, "This is very genteel of +you, Sir Condy. You need not wait any longer, Thady;" so I just picked +up the pen and ink that had tumbled on the floor, and heard my master +finish with saying, "You behaved very genteel to me, my dear, when you +threw all the little you had in your own power along with yourself into +my hands; and as I don't deny but what you may have had some things +to complain of,"--to be sure he was thinking then of Judy, or of the +whiskey punch, one or t'other, or both,--"and as I don't deny but you +may have had something to complain of, my dear, it is but fair you +should have something in the form of compensation to look forward to +agreeably in future; besides, it's an act of justice to myself, that +none of your friends, my dear, may ever have it to say against me, I +married for money, and not for love." "That is the last thing I should +ever have thought of saying of you, Sir Condy," said my lady, looking +very gracious. "Then, my dear," said Sir Condy, "we shall part as good +friends as we met; so all's right." + +I was greatly rejoiced to hear this, and went out of the parlour to +report it all to the kitchen. The next morning my lady and Mrs. Jane +set out for Mount Juliet's Town in the jaunting car: many wondered at +my lady's choosing to go away, considering all things, upon the jaunting +car, as if it was only a party of pleasure; but they did not know, till +I told them, that the coach was all broke in the journey down, and no +other vehicle but the car to be had; besides, my lady's friends were to +send their coach to meet her at the cross roads; so it was all done very +proper. + +My poor master was in great trouble after my lady left us. The execution +came down; and every thing at Castle Rackrent was seized by the gripers, +and my son Jason, to his shame be it spoken, amongst them. I wondered, +for the life of me, how he could harden himself to do it; but then he +had been studying the law, and had made himself Attorney Quirk; so he +brought down at once a heap of accounts upon my master's head. To cash +lent, and to ditto, and to ditto, and to ditto, and oats, and bills paid +at the milliner's and linen-draper's, and many dresses for the fancy +balls in Dublin for my lady, and all the bills to the workmen and +tradesmen for the scenery of the theatre, and the chandler's and +grocer's bills, and tailor's, besides butcher's and baker's, and worse +than all, the old one of that base wine merchant's, that wanted to +arrest my poor master for the amount on the election day, for which +amount Sir Condy afterwards passed his note of hand, bearing lawful +interest from the date thereof; and the interest and compound interest +was now mounted to a terrible deal on many other notes and bonds for +money borrowed, and there was besides hush money to the sub-sheriffs, +and sheets upon sheets of old and new attorneys' bills, with heavy +balances, _as per former account furnished_, brought forward with +interest thereon; then there was a powerful deal due to the crown +for sixteen years' arrear of quit-rent of the town-lands of +Carrickshaughlin, with driver's fees, and a compliment to the receiver +every year for letting the quit-rent run on to oblige Sir Condy, and +Sir Kit afore him. Then there were bills for spirits and ribands at the +election time, and the gentlemen of the committee's accounts unsettled, +and their subscription never gathered; and there were cows to be paid +for, with the smith and farrier's bills to be set against the rent of +the demesne, with calf and hay money; then there was all the servants' +wages, since I don't know when, coming due to them, and sums advanced +for them by my son Jason for clothes, and boots, and whips, and odd +moneys for sundries expended by them in journeys to town and elsewhere, +and pocket-money for the master continually, and messengers and postage +before his being a parliament man; I can't myself tell you what besides; +but this I know, that when the evening came on the which Sir Condy had +appointed to settle all with my son Jason, and when he comes into the +parlour, and sees the sight of bills and load of papers all gathered on +the great dining-table for him, he puts his hands before both his eyes, +and cried out, "Merciful Jasus! what is it I see before me?" Then I sets +an arm-chair at the table for him, and with a deal of difficulty he sits +him down, and my son Jason hands him over the pen and ink to sign to +this man's bill and t'other man's bill, all which he did without making +the least objections. Indeed, to give him his due, I never _seen_ a man +more fair and honest, and easy in all his dealings, from first to last, +as Sir Condy, or more willing to pay every man his own as far as he was +able, which is as much as any one can do. "Well," says he, joking like +with Jason, "I wish we could settle it all with a stroke of my grey +goose quill. What signifies making me wade through all this ocean of +papers here; can't you now, who understand drawing out an account, +debtor and creditor, just sit down here at the corner of the table and +get it done out for me, that I may have a clear view of the balance, +which is all I need be talking about, you know?" "Very true, Sir Condy; +nobody understands business better than yourself," says Jason. "So I've +a right to do, being born and bred to the bar," says Sir Condy. "Thady, +do step out and see are they bringing in the things for the punch, +for we've just done all we have to do for this evening." I goes out +accordingly, and when I came back, Jason was pointing to the balance, +which was a terrible sight to my poor master. "Pooh! pooh! pooh!" says +he, "here's so many noughts they dazzle my eyes, so they do, and put me +in mind of all I suffered, larning of my numeration table, when I was a +boy at the day-school along with you, Jason--units, tens, hundreds, +tens of hundreds. Is the punch ready, Thady?" says he, seeing me. +"Immediately; the boy has the jug in his hand; it's coming up stairs, +please your honour, as fast as possible," says I, for I saw his honour +was tired out of his life; but Jason, very short and cruel, cuts me off +with--"Don't be talking of punch yet a while; it's no time for punch yet +a bit--units, tens, hundreds," goes he on, counting over the master's +shoulder, units, tens, hundreds, thousands. "A-a-ah! hold your hand," +cries my master; "where in this wide world am I to find hundreds, or +units itself, let alone thousands?" "The balance has been running on too +long," says Jason, sticking to him as I could not have done at the time, +if you'd have given both the Indies and Cork to boot; "the balance has +been running on too long, and I'm distressed myself on your account, Sir +Condy, for money, and the thing must be settled now on the spot, and the +balance cleared off," says Jason. "I'll thank you if you'll only show +me how," says Sir Condy. "There's but one way," says Jason, "and that's +ready enough: when there's no cash, what can a gentleman do, but go +to the land?" "How can you go to the land, and it under custodiam to +yourself already," says Sir Condy, "and another custodiam hanging over +it? and no one at all can touch it, you know, but the custodees." +"Sure, can't you sell, though at a loss? sure you can sell, and I've +a purchaser ready for you," says Jason. "Have ye so?" said Sir Condy; +"that's a great point gained; but there's a thing now beyond all, that +perhaps you don't know yet, barring Thady has let you into the secret." +"Sarrah bit of a secret, or any thing at all of the kind, has he learned +from me these fifteen weeks come St. John's eve," says I; "for we have +scarce been upon speaking terms of late: but what is it your honour +means of a secret?" "Why, the secret of the little keepsake I gave +my Lady Rackrent the morning she left us, that she might not go back +empty-handed to her friends." "My Lady Rackrent, I'm sure, has baubles +and keepsakes enough, as those bills on the table will show," says +Jason; "but whatever it is," says he, taking up his pen, "we must add +it to the balance, for to be sure it can't be paid for." "No, nor can't +till after my decease," said Sir Condy; "that's one good thing." Then +colouring up a good deal, he tells Jason of the memorandum of the five +hundred a-year jointure he had settled upon my lady; at which Jason was +indeed mad, and said a great deal in very high words, that it was using +a gentleman, who had the management of his affairs, and was moreover his +principal creditor, extremely ill, to do such a thing without consulting +him, and against his knowledge and consent. To all which Sir Condy had +nothing to reply, but that upon his conscience, it was in a hurry and +without a moment's thought on his part, and he was very sorry for it, +but if it was to do over again he would do the same; and he appealed to +me, and I was ready to give my evidence, if that would do, to the truth +of all he said. + +So Jason with much ado was brought to agree to a compromise. "The +purchaser that I have ready," says he, "will be much displeased, to be +sure, at the incumbrance on the land, but I must see and manage him; +here's a deed ready drawn up; we have nothing to do but to put in the +consideration money and our names to it." "And how much am I going +to sell?--the lands of O'Shaughlin's Town, and the lands of +Gruneaghoolaghan, and the lands of Crookagnawaturgh," says he, just +reading to himself,--"and--oh, murder, Jason! sure you won't put this +in--the castle, stable, and appurtenances of Castle Rackrent." "Oh, +murder!" says I, clapping my hands, "this is too bad, Jason." "Why so?" +said Jason, "when it's all, and a great deal more to the back of it, +lawfully mine, was I to push for it." "Look at him," says I, pointing +to Sir Condy, who was just leaning back in his arm-chair, with his arms +falling beside him like one stupified; "is it you, Jason, that can stand +in his presence, and recollect all he has been to us, and all we have +been to him, and yet use him so at the last?" "Who will you find to use +him better, I ask you?" said Jason; "if he can get a better purchaser, +I'm content; I only offer to purchase, to make things easy, and oblige +him: though I don't see what compliment I am under, if you come to that; +I have never had, asked, or charged more than sixpence in the pound, +receiver's fees; and where would he have got an agent for a penny less?" +"Oh, Jason! Jason! how will you stand to this in the face of the county +and all who know you?" says I; "and what will people think and say, when +they see you living here in Castle Rackrent, and the lawful owner turned +out of the seat of his ancestors, without a cabin to put his head into, +or so much as a potatoe to eat?" Jason, whilst I was saying this, and +a great deal more, made me signs, and winks, and frowns; but I took +no heed; for I was grieved and sick at heart for my poor master, and +couldn't but speak. + +"Here's the punch," says Jason, for the door opened; "here's the punch!" +Hearing that, my master starts up in his chair, and recollects himself, +and Jason uncorks the whiskey. "Set down the jug here," says he, making +room for it beside the papers opposite to Sir Condy, but still not +stirring the deed that was to make over all. Well, I was in great hopes +he had some touch of mercy about him when I saw him making the punch, +and my master took a glass; but Jason put it back as he was going to +fill again, saying, "No, Sir Condy, it sha'n't be said of me, I got your +signature to this deed when you were half-seas over: you know your name +and hand-writing in that condition would not, if brought before the +courts, benefit me a straw; wherefore let us settle all before we go +deeper into the punch-bowl." "Settle all as you will," said Sir Condy, +clapping his hands to his ears: "but let me hear no more; I'm bothered +to death this night." "You've only to sign," said Jason, putting the pen +to him. "Take all, and be content," said my master. So he signed; and +the man who brought in the punch witnessed it, for I was not able, but +crying like a child; and besides, Jason said, which I was glad of, that +I was no fit witness, being so old and doting. It was so bad with me, +I could not taste a drop of the punch itself, though my master himself, +God bless him! in the midst of his trouble, poured out a glass for me, +and brought it up to my lips. "Not a drop; I thank your honour's honour +as much as if I took it, though," and I just set down the glass as it +was, and went out, and when I got to the street-door, the neighbour's +childer, who were playing at marbles there, seeing me in great trouble, +left their play, and gathered about me to know what ailed me; and I +told them all, for it was a great relief to me to speak to these poor +childer, that seemed to have some natural feeling left in them: and +when they were made sensible that Sir Condy was going to leave Castle +Rackrent for good and all, they set up a whillalu that could be heard to +the farthest end of the street; and one fine boy he was, that my master +had given an apple to that morning, cried the loudest, but they all were +the same sorry, for Sir Condy was greatly beloved amongst the childer, +for letting them go a-nutting in the demesne, without saying a word to +them, though my lady objected to them. The people in the town, who were +the most of them standing at their doors, hearing the childer cry, would +know the reason of it; and when the report was made known, the people +one and all gathered in great anger against my son Jason, and terror at +the notion of his coming to be landlord over them, and they cried, "No +Jason! no Jason! Sir Condy! Sir Condy! Sir Condy Rackrent for ever!" +and the mob grew so great and so loud, I was frightened, and made my way +back to the house to warn my son to make his escape, or hide himself for +fear of the consequences. Jason would not believe me till they came +all round the house, and to the windows with great shouts: then he grew +quite pale, and asked Sir Condy what had he best do? "I'll tell you +what you'd best do," said Sir Condy, who was laughing to see his +fright; "finish your glass first, then let's go to the window and show +ourselves, and I'll tell 'em, or you shall, if you please, that I'm +going to the Lodge for change of air for my health, and by my own +desire, for the rest of my days." "Do so," said Jason, who never meant +it should have been so, but could not refuse him the Lodge at this +unseasonable time. Accordingly Sir Condy threw up the sash, and +explained matters, and thanked all his friends, and bid 'em look in at +the punch-bowl, and observe that Jason and he had been sitting over +it very good friends; so the mob was content, and he sent 'em out some +whiskey to drink his health, and that was the last time his honour's +health was ever drunk at Castle Rackrent. + +The very next day, being too proud, as he said to me, to stay an hour +longer in a house that did not belong to him, he sets off to the Lodge, +and I along with him not many hours after. And there was great bemoaning +through all O'Shaughlin's Town, which I stayed to witness, and gave my +poor master a full account of when I got to the Lodge. He was very low, +and in his bed, when I got there, and complained of a great pain about +his heart, but I guessed it was only trouble, and all the business, let +alone vexation, he had gone through of late; and knowing the nature of +him from a boy, I took my pipe, and, whilst smoking it by the chimney, +began telling him how he was beloved and regretted in the county, and it +did him a deal of good to hear it. "Your honour has a great many friends +yet, that you don't know of, rich and poor, in the county," says I; +"for as I was coming along the road, I met two gentlemen in their own +carriages, who asked after you, knowing me, and wanted to know where you +was and all about you, and even how old I was: think of that." Then +he wakened out of his doze, and began questioning me who the gentlemen +were. And the next morning it came into my head to go, unknown to any +body, with my master's compliments, round to many of the gentlemen's +houses, where he and my lady used to visit, and people that I knew were +his great friends, and would go to Cork to serve him any day in the +year, and I made bold to try to borrow a trifle of cash from them. They +all treated me very civil for the most part, and asked a great many +questions very kind about my lady, and Sir Condy, and all the family, +and were greatly surprised to learn from me Castle Rackrent was sold, +and my master at the Lodge for health; and they all pitied him greatly, +and he had their good wishes, if that would do, but money was a thing +they unfortunately had not any of them at this time to spare. I had +my journey for my pains, and I, not used to walking, nor supple as +formerly, was greatly tired, but had the satisfaction of telling my +master, when I got to the Lodge, all the civil things said by high and +low. + +"Thady," says he, "all you've been telling me brings a strange thought +into my head: I've a notion I shall not be long for this world any how, +and I've a great fancy to see my own funeral afore I die." I was greatly +shocked, at the first speaking, to hear him speak so light about his +funeral, and he, to all appearance, in good health, but recollecting +myself, answered, "To be sure, it would be as fine a sight as one could +see, I dared to say, and one I should be proud to witness, and I did +not doubt his honour's would be as great a funeral as ever Sir Patrick +O'Shaughlin's was, and such a one as that had never been known in the +county afore or since." But I never thought he was in earnest about +seeing his own funeral himself, till the next day he returns to it +again. "Thady," says he, "as far as the wake[18] goes, sure I might +without any great trouble have the satisfaction of seeing a bit of my +own funeral." "Well, since your honour's honour's so bent upon it," says +I, not willing to cross him, and he in trouble, "we must see what we can +do." So he fell into a sort of a sham disorder, which was easy done, as +he kept his bed, and no one to see him; and I got my shister, who was an +old woman very handy about the sick, and very skilful, to come up to the +Lodge to nurse him; and we gave out, she knowing no better, that he was +just at his latter end, and it answered beyond any thing; and there was +a great throng of people, men, women, and childer, and there being +only two rooms at the Lodge, except what was locked up full of Jason's +furniture and things, the house was soon as full and fuller than it +could hold, and the heat, and smoke, and noise wonderful great; and +standing amongst them that were near the bed, but not thinking at all of +the dead, I was started by the sound of my master's voice from under the +great coats that had been thrown all at top, and I went close up, no one +noticing. "Thady," says he, "I've had enough of this; I'm smothering, +and can't hear a word of all they're saying of the deceased." "God bless +you, and lie still and quiet," says I, "a bit longer, for my shister's +afraid of ghosts, and would die on the spot with fright, was she to +see you come to life all on a sudden this way without the least +preparation." So he lays him still, though well nigh stifled, and I made +all haste to tell the secret of the joke, whispering to one and t'other, +and there was a great surprise, but not so great as we had laid out it +would. "And aren't we to have the pipes and tobacco, after coming so +far to-night?" said some; but they were all well enough pleased when +his honour got up to drink with them, and sent for more spirits from a +shebean-house,[19] where they very civilly let him have it upon credit. +So the night passed off very merrily, but, to my mind, Sir Condy was +rather upon the sad order in the midst of it all, not finding there had +been such a great talk about himself after his death as he had always +expected to hear. + +The next morning when the house was cleared of them, and none but my +shister and myself left in the kitchen with Sir Condy, one opens the +door, and walks in, and who should it be but Judy M'Quirk herself! I +forgot to notice, that she had been married long since, whilst young +Captain Moneygawl lived at the Lodge, to the captain's huntsman, who +after a whilst listed and left her, and was killed in the wars. Poor +Judy fell off greatly in her good looks after her being married a year +or two; and being smoke-dried in the cabin, and neglecting herself like, +it was hard for Sir Condy himself to know her again till she spoke; +but when she says, "It's Judy M'Quirk, please your honour, don't you +remember her?" "Oh, Judy, is it you?" says his honour; "yes, sure, I +remember you very well; but you're greatly altered, Judy." "Sure it's +time for me," says she; "and I think your honour, since I _seen_ you +last,--but that's a great while ago,--is altered too." "And with reason, +Judy," says Sir Condy, fetching a sort of a sigh; "but how's this, +Judy?" he goes on; "I take it a little amiss of you, that you were not +at my wake last night." "Ah, don't be being jealous of that," says she; +"I didn't hear a sentence of your honour's wake till it was all over, or +it would have gone hard with me but I would have been at it sure; but I +was forced to go ten miles up the country three days ago to a wedding +of a relation of my own's, and didn't get home till after the wake was +over; but," says she, "it won't be so, I hope, the next time,[20] please +your honour." "That we shall see, Judy," says his honour, "and may be +sooner than you think for, for I've been very unwell this while past, +and don't reckon any way I'm long for this world." At this, Judy takes +up the corner of her apron, and puts it first to one eye and then to +t'other, being to all appearance in great trouble; and my shister put in +her word, and bid his honour have a good heart, for she was sure it was +only the gout that Sir Patrick used to have flying about him, and he +ought to drink a glass or a bottle extraordinary to keep it out of +his stomach; and he promised to take her advice, and sent out for more +spirits immediately; and Judy made a sign to me, and I went over to the +door to her, and she said, "I wonder to see Sir Condy so low! has he +heard the news?" "What news?" says I. "Didn't ye hear it, then?" says +she; "my Lady Rackrent that was is kilt[D2] and lying for dead, and I +don't doubt but it's all over with her by this time." "Mercy on us all," +says I; "how was it?" "The jaunting car it was that ran away with her," +says Judy. "I was coming home that same time from Biddy M'Guggin's +marriage, and a great crowd of people too upon the road, coming from +the fair of Crookaghnawaturgh, and I sees a jaunting car standing in +the middle of the road, and with the two wheels off and all tattered. +'What's this?' says I. 'Didn't ye hear of it?' says they that were +looking on; 'it's my Lady Rackrent's car, that was running away from +her husband, and the horse took fright at a carrion that lay across the +road, and so ran away with the jaunting car, and my Lady Rackrent and +her maid screaming, and the horse ran with them against a car that +was coming from the fair, with the boy asleep on it, and the lady's +petticoat hanging out of the jaunting car caught, and she was dragged +I can't tell you how far upon the road, and it all broken up with the +stones just going to be pounded, and one of the road-makers, with his +sledge-hammer in his hand, stops the horse at the last; but my Lady +Rackrent was all kilt[21] and smashed, and they lifted her into a cabin +hard by, and the maid was found after, where she had been thrown, in the +gripe of the ditch, her cap and bonnet all full of bog water, and they +say my lady can't live any way.' Thady, pray now is it true what I'm +told for sartain, that Sir Condy has made over all to your son Jason?" +"All," says I. "All entirely?" says she again. "All entirely," says I. +"Then," says she, "that's a great shame, but don't be telling Jason what +I say." "And what is it you say?" cries Sir Condy, leaning over betwixt +us, which made Judy start greatly. "I know the time when Judy M'Quirk +would never have stayed so long talking at the door, and I in the +house." "Oh!" says Judy, "for shame, Sir Condy; times are altered since +then, and it's my Lady Rackrent you ought to be thinking of." "And why +should I be thinking of her, that's not thinking of me now?" said Sir +Condy. "No matter for that," says Judy, very properly; "it's time you +should be thinking of her, if ever you mean to do it at all, for don't +you know she's lying for death?" "My Lady Rackrent!" says Sir Condy, +in a surprise; "why it's but two days since we parted, as you very well +know, Thady, in her full health and spirits, and she and her maid along +with her going to Mount Juliet's Town on her jaunting car." "She'll +never ride no more on her jaunting car," said Judy, "for it has been the +death of her, sure enough." "And is she dead then?" says his honour. +"As good as dead, I hear," says Judy; "but there's Thady here has just +learnt the whole truth of the story as I had it, and it is fitter he +or any body else should be telling it you than I, Sir Condy: I must be +going home to the childer." But he stops her, but rather from civility +in him, as I could see very plainly, than any thing else, for Judy was, +as his honour remarked at her first coming in, greatly changed, and +little likely, as far as I could see--though she did not seem to be +clear of it herself--little likely to be my Lady Rackrent now, should +there be a second toss-up to be made. But I told him the whole story out +of the face, just as Judy had told it to me, and he sent off a messenger +with his compliments to Mount Juliet's Town that evening, to learn the +truth of the report, and Judy bid the boy that was going call in at Tim +M'Enerney's shop in O'Shaughlin's Town and buy her a new shawl. "Do so," +said Sir Condy, "and tell Tim to take no money from you, for I must pay +him for the shawl myself." At this my shister throws me over a look, and +I says nothing, but turned the tobacco in my mouth, whilst Judy began +making a many words about it, and saying how she could not be beholden +for shawls to any gentleman. I left her there to consult with my +shister, did she think there was any thing in it, and my shister thought +I was blind to be asking her the question, and I thought my shister must +see more into it than I did; and recollecting all past times and every +thing, I changed my mind, and came over to her way of thinking, and we +settled it that Judy was very like to be my Lady Rackrent after all, if +a vacancy should have happened. + +The next day, before his honour was up, somebody comes with a double +knock at the door, and I was greatly surprised to see it was my son +Jason. "Jason, is it you?" said I; "what brings you to the Lodge?" says +I; "is it my Lady Rackrent? we know that already since yesterday." "May +be so," says he, "but I must see Sir Condy about it." "You can't see him +yet," says I; "sure he is not awake." "What then," says he, "can't he be +wakened? and I standing at the door." "I'll not be disturbing his honour +for you, Jason," says I; "many's the hour you've waited in your time, +and been proud to do it, till his honour was at leisure to speak to you. +His honour," says I, raising my voice, at which his honour wakens of +his own accord, and calls to me from the room to know who it was I was +speaking to. Jason made no more ceremony, but follows me into the room. +"How are you, Sir Condy?" says he; "I'm happy to see you looking so +well; I came up to know how you did to-day, and to see did you want for +any thing at the Lodge." "Nothing at all, Mr. Jason, I thank you," says +he; for his honour had his own share of pride, and did not choose, after +all that had passed, to be beholden, I suppose, to my son; "but pray +take a chair and be seated, Mr. Jason." Jason sat him down upon the +chest, for chair there was none, and after he had set there some time, +and a silence on all sides, "What news is there stirring in the country, +Mr. Jason M'Quirk?" says Sir Condy, very easy, yet high like. "None +that's news to you, Sir Condy, I hear," says Jason: "I am sorry to hear +of my Lady Rackrent's accident." "I'm much obliged to you, and so is +her ladyship, I'm sure," answered Sir Condy, still stiff; and there was +another sort of a silence, which seemed to lie the heaviest on my son +Jason. + +"Sir Condy," says he at last, seeing Sir Condy disposing himself to go +to sleep again, "Sir Condy, I dare say you recollect mentioning to me +the little memorandum you gave to Lady Rackrent about the 500_l_. a-year +jointure." "Very true," said Sir Condy; "it is all in my recollection." +"But if my Lady Rackrent dies, there's an end of all jointure," says +Jason. "Of course," says Sir Condy. "But it's not a matter of certainty +that my Lady Rackrent won't recover," says Jason. "Very true, sir," says +my master. "It's a fair speculation, then, for you to consider what the +chance of the jointure on those lands, when out of custodiam, will be to +you." "Just five hundred a-year, I take it, without any speculation +at all," said Sir Condy. "That's supposing the life dropt, and the +custodiam off, you know; begging your pardon, Sir Condy, who understands +business, that is a wrong calculation." "Very likely so," said Sir +Condy; "but Mr. Jason, if you have any thing to say to me this morning +about it, I'd be obliged to you to say it, for I had an indifferent +night's rest last night, and wouldn't be sorry to sleep a little this +morning." "I have only three words to say, and those more of consequence +to you, Sir Condy, than me. You are a little cool, I observe; but I hope +you will not be offended at what I have brought here in my pocket," and +he pulls out two long rolls, and showers down golden guineas upon the +bed. "What's this?" said Sir Condy; "it's long since"--but his pride +stops him, "All these are your lawful property this minute, Sir Condy, +if you please," said Jason. "Not for nothing, I'm sure," said Sir Condy, +and laughs a little--"nothing for nothing, or I'm under a mistake with +you, Jason." "Oh, Sir Condy, we'll not be indulging ourselves in any +unpleasant retrospects," says Jason; "it's my present intention to +behave, as I'm sure you will, like a gentleman in this affair. Here's +two hundred guineas, and a third I mean to add, if you should think +proper to make over to me all your right and title to those lands that +you know of." "I'll consider of it," said my master; and a great deal +more, that I was tired listening to, was said by Jason, and all that, +and the sight of the ready cash upon the bed worked with his honour; +and the short and the long of it was, Sir Condy gathered up the golden +guineas, and tied them up in a handkerchief, and signed some paper Jason +brought with him as usual, and there was an end of the business: Jason +took himself away, and my master turned himself round and fell asleep +again. + +I soon found what had put Jason in such a hurry to conclude this +business. The little gossoon we had sent off the day before with my +master's compliments to Mount Juliet's Town, and to know how my lady did +after her accident, was stopped early this morning, coming back with his +answer through O'Shaughlin's Town, at Castle Rackrent, by my son Jason, +and questioned of all he knew of my lady from the servant at Mount +Juliet's Town; and the gossoon told him my Lady Rackrent was not +expected to live over night; so Jason thought it high time to be moving +to the Lodge, to make his bargain with my master about the jointure +afore it should be too late, and afore the little gossoon should reach +us with the news. My master was greatly vexed, that is, I may say, as +much as ever I _seen_ him, when he found how he had been taken in; but +it was some comfort to have the ready cash for immediate consumption in +the house, any way. + +And when Judy came up that evening, and brought the childer to see his +honour, he unties the handkerchief, and, God bless him! whether it was +little or much he had, 'twas all the same with him, he gives 'em all +round guineas a-piece. "Hold up your head," says my shister to Judy, +as Sir Condy was busy filling out a glass of punch for her eldest +boy--"Hold up your head, Judy; for who knows but we may live to see you +yet at the head of the Castle Rackrent estate?" "Maybe so," says she, +"but not the way you are thinking of." I did not rightly understand +which way Judy, was looking when she makes this speech, till a-while +after. "Why, Thady, you were telling me yesterday, that Sir Condy had +sold all entirely to Jason, and where then does all them guineas in +the handkerchief come from?" "They are the purchase-money of my lady's +jointure," says I. Judy looks a little bit puzzled at this. "A penny for +your thoughts, Judy," says my shister; "hark, sure Sir Condy is drinking +her health." He was at the table in _the room_,[22] drinking with the +exciseman and the gauger, who came up to see his honour, and we were +standing over the fire in the kitchen. "I don't much care is he drinking +my health or not," says Judy; "and it is not Sir Condy I'm thinking of, +with all your jokes, whatever he is of me." "Sure you wouldn't refuse +to be my Lady Rackrent, Judy, if you had the offer?" says I. "But if I +could do better!" says she. "How better?" says I and my shister both +at once. "How better?" says she; "why, what signifies it to be my Lady +Rackrent, and no castle? sure what good is the car, and no horse to draw +it?" "And where will ye get the horse, Judy?" says I. "Never mind that," +says she; "may be it is your own son Jason might find that." "Jason!" +says I; "don't be trusting to him, Judy. Sir Condy, as I have good +reason to know, spoke well of you, when Jason spoke very indifferently +of you, Judy." "No matter," says Judy; "it's often men speak the +contrary just to what they think of us." "And you the same way of them, +no doubt," answers I. "Nay, don't be denying it, Judy, for I think the +better of ye for it, and shouldn't be proud to call ye the daughter of a +shister's son of mine, if I was to hear ye talk ungrateful, and any way +disrespectful of his honour." "What disrespect," says she, "to say I'd +rather, if it was my luck, be the wife of another man?" "You'll have no +luck, mind my words, Judy," says I; and all I remembered about my poor +master's goodness in tossing up for her afore he married at all came +across me, and I had a choaking in my throat that hindered me to say +more. "Better luck, any how, Thady," says she, "than to be like some +folk, following the fortunes of them that have none left." "Oh! King of +Glory!" says I, "hear the pride and ungratitude of her, and he giving +his last guineas but a minute ago to her childer, and she with the fine +shawl on her he made her a present of but yesterday!" "Oh, troth, Judy, +you're wrong now," says my shister, looking at the shawl. "And was not +he wrong yesterday, then," says she, "to be telling me I was greatly +altered, to affront me?" "But, Judy," says I, "what is it brings you +here then at all in the mind you are in; is it to make Jason think the +better of you?" "I'll tell you no more of my secrets, Thady," says +she, "nor would have told you this much, had I taken you for such an +unnatural fader as I find you are, not to wish your own son prefarred +to another." "Oh, troth, _you_ are wrong now, Thady," says my shister. +Well, I was never so put to it in my life: between these womens, and +my son and my master, and all I felt and thought just now, I could not, +upon my conscience, tell which was the wrong from the right. So I said +not a word more, but was only glad his honour had not the luck to hear +all Judy had been saying of him, for I reckoned it would have gone nigh +to break his heart; not that I was of opinion he cared for her as much +as she and my shister fancied, but the ungratitude of the whole from +Judy might not plase him; and he could never stand the notion of not +being well spoken of or beloved like behind his back. Fortunately for +all parties concerned, he was so much elevated at this time, there was +no danger of his understanding any thing, even if it had reached his +ears. There was a great horn at the Lodge, ever since my master and +Captain Moneygawl was in together, that used to belong originally to the +celebrated Sir Patrick, his ancestor; and his honour was fond often of +telling the story that he learned from me when a child, how Sir Patrick +drank the full of this horn without stopping, and this was what no +other man afore or since could without drawing breath. Now Sir Condy +challenged the gauger, who seemed to think little of the horn, to +swallow the contents, and had it filled to the brim with punch; and the +gauger said it was what he could not do for nothing, but he'd hold Sir +Condy a hundred guineas he'd do it. "Done," says my master; "I'll lay +you a hundred golden guineas to a tester[23] you don't." "Done," says +the gauger; and done and done's enough between two gentlemen. The gauger +was cast, and my master won the bet, and thought he'd won a hundred +guineas, but by the wording it was adjudged to be only a tester that was +his due by the exciseman. It was all one to him; he was as well pleased, +and I was glad to see him in such spirits again. + +The gauger, bad luck to him! was the man that next proposed to my master +to try himself could he take at a draught the contents of the great +horn. "Sir Patrick's horn!" said his honour; "hand it to me: I'll hold +you your own bet over again I'll swallow it." "Done," says the gauger; +"I'll lay ye anything at all you do no such thing." "A hundred guineas +to sixpence I do," says he: "bring me the handkerchief." I was loth, +knowing he meant the handkerchief with the gold in it, to bring it out +in such company, and his honour not very able to reckon it. "Bring me +the handkerchief, then, Thady," says he, and stamps with his foot; so +with that I pulls it out of my great coat pocket, where I had put it +for safety. Oh, how it grieved me to see the guineas counting upon the +table, and they the last my master had! Says Sir Condy to me, "Your hand +is steadier than mine to-night, old Thady, and that's a wonder; fill +you the horn for me." And so, wishing his honour success, I did; but +I filled it, little thinking of what would befall him. He swallows it +down, and drops like one shot. We lifts him up, and he was speechless, +and quite black in the face. We put him to bed, and in a short time he +wakened, raving with a fever on his brain. He was shocking either to see +or hear. "Judy! Judy! have you no touch of feeling? won't you stay to +help us nurse him?" says I to her, and she putting on her shawl to go +out of the house. "I'm frightened to see him," says she, "and wouldn't +nor couldn't stay in it; and what use? he can't last till the morning." +With that she ran off. There was none but my shister and myself left +near him of all the many friends he had. The fever came and went, and +came and went, and lasted five days, and the sixth he was sensible for a +few minutes, and said to me, knowing me very well, "I'm in burning pain +all withinside of me, Thady." I could not speak, but my shister asked +him would he have this thing or t'other to do him good? "No," says he, +"nothing will do me good no more," and he gave a terrible screech with +the torture he was in--then again a minute's ease--"brought to this by +drink," says he; "where are all the friends?--where's Judy?--Gone, hey? +Ay, Sir Condy has been a fool all his days," said he; and there was the +last word he spoke, and died. He had but a very poor funeral, after all. + +If you want to know any more, I'm not very well able to tell you; but +my Lady Rackrent did not die, as was expected of her, but was only +disfigured in the face ever after by the fall and bruises she got; and +she and Jason, immediately after my poor master's death, set about going +to law about that jointure; the memorandum not being on stamped paper, +some say it is worth nothing, others again it may do; others say, Jason +won't have the lands at any rate; many wishes it so: for my part, +I'm tired wishing for any thing in this world, after all I've seen +in it--but I'll say nothing; it would be a folly to be getting myself +ill-will in my old age. Jason did not marry, nor think of marrying Judy, +as I prophesied, and I am not sorry for it; who is? As for all I have +here set down from memory and hearsay of the family, there's nothing but +truth in it from beginning to end: that you may depend upon; for where's +the use of telling lies about the things which every body knows as well +as I do? + + * * * * * + +The Editor could have readily made the catastrophe of Sir Condy's +history more dramatic and more pathetic, if he thought it allowable to +varnish the plain round tale of faithful Thady. He lays it before the +English reader as a specimen of manners and characters, which are, +perhaps, unknown in England. Indeed, the domestic habits of no nation +in Europe were less known to the English than those of their sister +country, till within these few years. + +Mr. Young's picture of Ireland, in his tour through that country, was +the first faithful portrait of its inhabitants. All the features in the +foregoing sketch were taken from the life, and they are characteristic +of that mixture of quickness, simplicity, cunning, carelessness, +dissipation, disinterestedness, shrewdness, and blunder, which, in +different forms, and with various success, has been brought upon the +stage, or delineated in novels. + +It is a problem of difficult solution to determine, whether an Union +will hasten or retard the amelioration of this country. The few +gentlemen of education, who now reside in this country, will resort to +England: they are few, but they are in nothing inferior to men of +the same rank in Great Britain. The best that can happen will be the +introduction of British manufacturers in their places. + +Did the Warwickshire militia, who were chiefly artisans, teach the Irish +to drink beer? or did they learn from the Irish to drink whiskey? + +1800. + + + + +GLOSSARY. + + * * * * * + +_Some friends, who have seen Thady's history since it has been printed, +have suggested to the Editor, that many of the terms and idiomatic +phrases, with which it abounds, could not be intelligible to the English +reader without further explanation. The Editor has therefore furnished +the following Glossary_. + + * * * * * + +[A] _Monday morning_,--Thady begins his memoirs of the Rackrent +Family by dating _Monday morning_, because no great undertaking can be +auspiciously commenced in Ireland on any morning but _Monday morning_. +"Oh, please God we live till Monday morning, we'll set the slater to +mend the roof of the house. On Monday morning we'll fall to, and cut the +turf. On Monday morning we'll see and begin mowing. On Monday morning, +please your honour, we'll begin and dig the potatoes," &c. + +All the intermediate days, between the making of such speeches and the +ensuing Monday, are wasted: and when Monday morning comes, it is ten +to one that the business is deferred to _the next_ Monday morning. The +Editor knew a gentleman, who, to counteract this prejudice, made his +workmen and labourers begin all new pieces of work upon a Saturday. + +[B] _Let alone the three kingdoms itself._--_Let alone_, in this +sentence, means _put out of consideration_. The phrase, _let alone_, +which is now used as the imperative of a verb, may in time become a +conjunction, and may exercise the ingenuity of some future etymologist. +The celebrated Horne Tooke has proved most satisfactorily, that the +conjunction _but_ comes from the imperative of the Anglo-Saxon verb +_(beoutan) to be out_; also, that _if_ comes from _gif_, the imperative +of the Anglo-Saxon verb which signifies _to give_, &c. + +[C] _Whillaluh_.--Ullaloo, Gol, or lamentation over the dead-- + + "Magnoque ululante tumultu."--VIRGIL. + + "Ululatibus omne + Implevere nemus."--OVID. + +A full account of the Irish Gol, or Ullaloo, and of the Caoinan or Irish +funeral song, with its first semichorus, second semichorus, full chorus +of sighs and groans, together with the Irish words and music, may +be found in the fourth volume of the transactions of the Royal Irish +Academy. For the advantage of _lazy_ readers, who would rather read a +page than walk a yard, and from compassion, not to say sympathy, with +their infirmity, the Editor transcribes the following passages: + +"The Irish have been always remarkable for their funeral lamentations; +and this peculiarity has been noticed by almost every traveller who +visited them; and it seems derived from their Celtic ancestors, the +primaeval inhabitants of this isle ... ... + +"It has been affirmed of the Irish, that to cry was more natural to +them than to any other nation, and at length the Irish cry became +proverbial.... ... ... + +"Cambrensis in the twelfth century says, the Irish then musically +expressed their griefs; that is, they applied the musical art, in +which they excelled all others, to the orderly celebration of funeral +obsequies, by dividing the mourners into two bodies, each alternately +singing their part, and the whole at times joining in full chorus.... +... The body of the deceased, dressed in grave clothes, and ornamented +with flowers, was placed on a bier, or some elevated spot. The relations +and keepers (_singing mourners_) ranged themselves in two divisions, +one at the head, and the other at the feet of the corpse. The bards and +croteries had before prepared the funeral Caoinan. The chief bard of the +head chorus began by singing the first stanza, in a low, doleful tone, +which was softly accompanied by the harp: at the conclusion, the foot +semichorus began the lamentation, or Ullaloo, from the final note of the +preceding stanza, in which they were answered by the head semichorus; +then both united in one general chorus. The chorus of the first stanza +being ended, the chief bard of the foot semichorus began the second Gol +or lamentation, in which he was answered by that of the head; and then, +as before, both united in the general full chorus. Thus alternately were +the song and choruses performed during the night. The genealogy, rank, +possessions, the virtues and vices of the dead were rehearsed, and a +number of interrogations were addressed to the deceased; as, Why did he +die? If married, whether his wife was faithful to him, his sons dutiful, +or good hunters or warriors? If a woman, whether her daughters were fair +or chaste? If a young man, whether he had been crossed in love; or if +the blue-eyed maids of Erin treated him with scorn?" + +We are told, that formerly the feet (the metrical feet) of the Caoinan +were much attended to; but on the decline of the Irish bards these feet +were gradually neglected, and the Caoinan fell into a sort of slipshod +metre amongst women. Each province had different Caoinans, or at least +different imitations of the original. There was the Munster cry, the +Ulster cry, &c. It became an extempore performance, and every set of +keepers varied the melody according to their own fancy. + +It is curious to observe how customs and ceremonies degenerate. The +present Irish cry, or howl, cannot boast of such melody, nor is the +funeral procession conducted with much dignity. The crowd of people who +assemble at these funerals sometimes amounts to a thousand, often to +four or five hundred. They gather as the bearers of the hearse proceed +on their way, and when they pass through any village, or when they +come near any houses, they begin to cry--Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Agh! Agh! +raising their notes from the first _Oh!_ to the last _Agh!_ in a kind of +mournful howl. This gives notice to the inhabitants of the village that +_a funeral is passing_, and immediately they flock out to follow it. In +the province of Munster it is a common thing for the women to follow a +funeral, to join in the universal cry with all their might and main for +some time, and then to turn and ask--"Arrah! who is it that's dead?--who +is it we're crying for?" Even the poorest people have their own +burying-places, that is, spots of ground in the church-yards where +they say that their ancestors have been buried ever since the wars of +Ireland; and if these burial-places are ten miles from the place where +a man dies, his friends and neighbours take care to carry his corpse +thither. Always one priest, often five or six priests, attend these +funerals; each priest repeats a mass, for which he is paid, sometimes a +shilling, sometimes half-a-crown, sometimes half-a-guinea, or a guinea, +according to their circumstances, or, as they say, according to the +_ability_ of the deceased. After the burial of any very poor man, +who has left a widow or children, the priest makes what is called _a +collection_ for the widow; he goes round to every person present, and +each contributes sixpence or a shilling, or what they please. The reader +will find in the note upon the word _Wake_, more particulars respecting +the conclusion of the Irish funerals. + +Certain old women, who cry particularly loud and well, are in great +request, and, as a man said to the Editor, "Every one would wish and be +proud to have such at his funeral, or at that of his friends." The lower +Irish are wonderfully eager to attend the funerals of their friends +and relations, and they make their relationships branch out to a great +extent. The proof that a poor man has been well beloved during his life +is his having a crowded funeral. To attend a neighbour's funeral is a +cheap proof of humanity, but it does not, as some imagine, cost nothing. +The time spent in attending funerals may be safely valued at half a +million to the Irish nation; the Editor thinks that double that +sum would not be too high an estimate. The habits of profligacy and +drunkenness which are acquired at _wakes_, are here put out of the +question. When a labourer, a carpenter, or a smith, is not at his work, +which frequently happens, ask where he is gone, and ten to one the +answer is--"Oh, faith, please your honour, he couldn't do a stroke +to-day, for he's gone to _the_ funeral." + +Even beggars, when they grow old, go about begging _for their own +funerals_; that is, begging for money to buy a coffin, candles, pipes, +and tobacco. For the use of the candles, pipes, and tobacco, see _Wake_. + +Those who value customs in proportion to their antiquity, and nations in +proportion to their adherence to ancient customs, will doubtless, admire +the Irish _Ullaloo_, and the Irish nation, for persevering in this usage +from time immemorial. The Editor, however, has observed some alarming +symptoms, which seem to prognosticate the declining taste for the +Ullaloo in Ireland. In a comic theatrical entertainment, represented not +long since on the Dublin stage, a chorus of old women was introduced, +who set up the Irish howl round the relics of a physician, who is +supposed to have fallen under the wooden sword of Harlequin. After the +old women have continued their Ullaloo for a decent time, with all the +necessary accompaniments of wringing their hands, wiping or rubbing +their eyes with the corners of their gowns or aprons, &c. one of the +mourners suddenly suspends her lamentable cries, and, turning to her +neighbour, asks, "Arrah now, honey, who is it we're crying for?" + +[D] _The tenants were sent away without their whiskey._--It is usual +with some landlords to give their inferior tenants a glass of whiskey +when they pay their rents. Thady calls it _their_ whiskey; not that the +whiskey is actually the property of the tenants, but that it becomes +their _right_ after it has been often given to them. In this general +mode of reasoning respecting _rights_ the lower Irish are not singular, +but they are peculiarly quick and tenacious in claiming these rights. +"Last year your honour gave me some straw for the roof of my house and +I _expect_ your honour will be after doing the same this year." In this +manner gifts are frequently turned into tributes. The high and low are +not always dissimilar in their habits. It is said, that the Sublime +Ottoman Porte is very apt to claim gifts as tributes: thus it is +dangerous to send the Grand Seignor a fine horse on his birthday one +year, lest on his next birthday he should expect a similar present, and +should proceed to demonstrate the reasonableness of his expectations. + +[E] _He demeaned himself greatly_--means, he lowered or disgraced +himself much. + +[F] _Duty fowls, duty turkeys, and duty geese_.--In many leases in +Ireland, tenants were _formerly_ bound to supply an inordinate quantity +of poultry to their landlords. The Editor knew of thirty turkeys being +reserved in one lease of a small farm. + +[G] _English tenants_.--An English tenant does not mean a tenant who is +an Englishman, but a tenant who pays his rent the day that it is due. It +is a common prejudice in Ireland, amongst the poorer classes of people, +to believe that all tenants in England pay their rents on the very day +when they become due. An Irishman, when he goes to take a farm, if he +wants to prove to his landlord that he is a substantial man, offers +to become an _English tenant_. If a tenant disobliges his landlord by +voting against him, or against his opinion, at an election, the tenant +is immediately informed by the agent, that he must become an _English +tenant_. This threat does not imply that he is to change his language or +his country, but that he must pay all the arrear of rent which he owes, +and that he must thenceforward pay his rent on that day when it becomes +due. + +[H] _Canting_--does not mean talking or writing hypocritical nonsense, +but selling substantially by auction. + +[I] _Duty work_.--It was formerly common in Ireland to insert clauses +in leases, binding tenants to furnish their landlords with labourers and +horses for several days in the year. Much petty tyranny and oppression +have resulted from this feudal custom. Whenever a poor man disobliged +his landlord, the agent sent to him for his duty work; and Thady does +not exaggerate when he says, that the tenants were often called from +their own work to do that of their landlord. Thus the very means of +earning their rent were taken from them: whilst they were getting home +their landlord's harvest, their own was often ruined, and yet their +rents were expected to be paid as punctually as if their time had been +at their own disposal. This appears the height of absurd injustice. + +In Esthonia, amongst the poor Sclavonian race of peasant slaves, they +pay tributes to their lords, not under the name of duty work, duty +geese, duty turkeys, &c., but under the name of _righteousnesses_. The +following ballad is a curious specimen of Esthonian poetry:-- + + "This is the cause that the country is ruined, + And the straw of the thatch is eaten away, + The gentry are come to live in the land-- + Chimneys between the village, + And the proprietor upon the white floor! + The sheep brings forth a lamb with a white forehead, + This is paid to the lord for a _righteousness sheep_. + The sow farrows pigs, + They go to the spit of the lord. + The hen lays eggs, + They go into the lord's frying-pan. + The cow drops a male calf, + That goes into the lord's herd as a bull. + The mare foals a horse foal, + That must be for my lord's nag. + The boor's wife has sons, + They must go to look after my lord's poultry." + +[J] _Out of forty-nine suits which he had, he never lost one but +seventeen_,--Thady's language in this instance is a specimen of a mode +of rhetoric common in Ireland. An astonishing assertion is made in the +beginning of a sentence, which ceases to be in the least surprising, +when you hear the qualifying explanation that follows. Thus a man who is +in the last stage of staggering drunkenness will, if he can articulate, +swear to you--"Upon his conscience now, and may he never stir from the +spot alive if he is telling a lie, upon his conscience he has not tasted +a drop of any thing, good or bad, since morning at-all-at-all, but half +a pint of whiskey, please your honour." + +[K] _Fairy Mounts_--Barrows. It is said that these high mounts were of +great service to the natives of Ireland when Ireland was invaded by the +Danes. Watch was always kept on them, and upon the approach of an +enemy a fire was lighted to give notice to the next watch, and thus the +intelligence was quickly communicated through the country. _Some years +ago_, the common people believed that these barrows were inhabited by +fairies, or, as they called them, by the _good people_. "Oh, troth, to +the best of my belief, and to the best of my judgment and opinion," +said an elderly man to the Editor, "it was only the old people that had +nothing to do, and got together, and were telling stories about them +fairies, but to the best of my judgment there's nothing in it. Only this +I heard myself not very many years hack from a decent kind of a man, a +grazier, that as he was coming just _fair and easy (quietly)_ from the +fair, with some cattle and sheep, that he had not sold, just at +the church of ----, at an angle of the road like, he was met by a +good-looking man, who asked him where he was going? And he answered, +'Oh, far enough, I must be going all night.' 'No, that you mustn't nor +won't (says the man), you'll sleep with me the night, and you'll +want for nothing, nor your cattle nor sheep neither, nor your _beast +(horse)_; so come along with me.' With that the grazier _lit (alighted)_ +from his horse, and it was dark night; but presently he finds himself, +he does not know in the wide world how, in a fine house, and plenty of +every thing to eat and drink; nothing at all wanting that he could wish +for or think of. And he does not _mind (recollect_ or _know_) how at +last he falls asleep; and in the morning he finds himself lying, not in +ever a bed or a house at all, but just in the angle of the road where +first he met the strange man: there he finds himself lying on his back +on the grass, and all his sheep feeding as quiet as ever all round about +him, and his horse the same way, and the bridle of the beast over his +wrist. And I asked him what he thought of it; and from first to last +he could think of nothing, but for certain sure it must have been the +fairies that entertained him so well. For there was no house to see any +where nigh hand, or any building, or barn, or place at all, but only the +church and the _mote (barrow)_. There's another odd thing enough that +they tell about this same church, that if any person's corpse, that had +not a right to be buried in that church-yard, went to be burying there +in it, no, not all the men, women, or childer in all Ireland could get +the corpse any way into the church-yard; but as they would be trying +to go into the church-yard, their feet would seem to be going backwards +instead of forwards; ay, continually backwards the whole funeral +would seem to go; and they would never set foot with the corpse in the +church-yard. Now they say that it is the fairies do all this; but it is +my opinion it is all idle talk, and people are after being wiser now." + +The country people in Ireland certainly _had_ great admiration mixed +with reverence, if not dread, of fairies. They believed that beneath +these fairy mounts were spacious subterraneous palaces, inhabited by +_the good people_, who must not on any account be disturbed. When the +wind raises a little eddy of dust upon the road, the poor people believe +that it is raised by the fairies, that it is a sign that they are +journeying from one of the fairies' mounts to another, and they say to +the fairies, or to the dust as it passes, "God speed ye, gentlemen; God +speed ye." This averts any evil that _the good people_ might be inclined +to do them. There are innumerable stories told of the friendly and +unfriendly feats of these busy fairies; some of these tales are +ludicrous, and some romantic enough for poetry. It is a pity that poets +should lose such convenient, though diminutive machinery. By-the-bye, +Parnell, who showed himself so deeply "skilled in faerie lore," was an +Irishman; and though he has presented his fairies to the world in the +ancient English dress of "Britain's isle, and Arthur's days," it is +probable that his first acquaintance with them began in his native +country. + +Some remote origin for the most superstitious or romantic popular +illusions or vulgar errors may often be discovered. In Ireland, the old +churches and church-yards have been usually fixed upon as the scenes of +wonders. Now antiquaries tell us, that near the ancient churches in +that kingdom caves of various constructions have from time to time been +discovered, which were formerly used as granaries or magazines by the +ancient inhabitants, and as places to which they retreated in time +of danger. There is (p. 84 of the R.I.A. Transactions for 1789) a +particular account of a number of these artificial caves at the west +end of the church of Killossy, in the county of Kildare. Under a rising +ground, in a dry sandy soil, these subterraneous dwellings were found: +they have pediment roofs, and they communicate with each other by small +apertures. In the Brehon laws these are mentioned, and there are fines +inflicted by those laws upon persons who steal from the subterraneous +granaries. All these things show that there was a real foundation for +the stories which were told of the appearance of lights, and of the +sounds of voices, near these places. The persons who had property +concealed there, very willingly countenanced every wonderful relation +that tended to make these places objects of sacred awe or superstitious +terror. + +[L] _Weed-ashes_.--By ancient usage in Ireland, all the weeds on a farm +belonged to the farmer's wife, or to the wife of the squire who holds +the ground in his own hands. The great demand for alkaline salts in +bleaching rendered these ashes no inconsiderable perquisite. + +[M] _Sealing money_.--Formerly it was the custom in Ireland for tenants +to give the squire's lady from two to fifty guineas as a perquisite upon +the sealing of their leases. The Editor not very long since knew of a +baronet's lady accepting fifty guineas as sealing money, upon closing a +bargain for a considerable farm. + +[N] _Sir Murtagh grew mad_.--Sir Murtagh grew angry. + +[O] _The whole kitchen was out on the stairs_--means that all the +inhabitants of the kitchen came out of the kitchen, and stood upon the +stairs. These, and similar expressions, show how much the Irish are +disposed to metaphor and amplification. + +[P] _Fining down the year's rent_.--When an Irish gentleman, like Sir +Kit Rackrent, has lived beyond his income, and finds himself distressed +for ready money, tenants obligingly offer to take his land at a rent far +below the value, and to pay him a small sum of money in hand, which +they call fining down the yearly rent. The temptation of this ready cash +often blinds the landlord to his future interest. + +[Q] _Driver_.--A man who is employed to drive tenants for rent; that is, +to drive the cattle belonging to tenants to pound. The office of driver +is by no means a sinecure. + +[R] _I thought to make him a priest_.--It was customary amongst those of +Thady's rank in Ireland, whenever they could get a little money, to send +their sons abroad to St. Omer's, or to Spain, to be educated as priests. +Now they are educated at Maynooth. The Editor has lately known a young +lad, who began by being a post-boy, afterwards turn into a carpenter, +then quit his plane and work-bench to study his _Humanities_, as he +said, at the college of Maynooth; but after he had gone through his +course of Humanities, he determined to be a soldier instead of a priest. + +[S] _Flam_.--Short for flambeau. + +[T] _Barrack-room_.--Formerly it was customary, in gentlemen's houses +in Ireland, to fit up one large bedchamber with a number of beds for the +reception of occasional visitors. These rooms were called Barrack-rooms. + +[U] _An innocent_--in Ireland, means a simpleton, an idiot. + +[V] _The Curragh_--is the Newmarket of Ireland. + +[X] _The cant_.--The auction. + +[Y] _And so should cut him off for ever, by levying a fine, and +suffering a recovery to dock the entail_.--The English reader may +perhaps be surprised at the extent of Thady's legal knowledge, and at +the fluency with which he pours forth law-terms; but almost every +poor man in Ireland, be he farmer, weaver, shopkeeper, or steward, is, +besides his other occupations, occasionally a lawyer. The nature of +processes, ejectments, custodiams, injunctions, replevins, &c. is +perfectly known to them, and the terms as familiar to them as to any +attorney. They all love law. It is a kind of lottery, in which every +man, staking his own wit or cunning against his neighbour's property, +feels that he has little to lose, and much to gain. + +"I'll have the law of you, so I will!" is the saying of an Englishman +who expects justice. "I'll have you before his honour," is the threat of +an Irishman who hopes for partiality. Miserable is the life of a justice +of the peace in Ireland the day after a fair, especially if he resides +near a small town. The multitude of the _kilt_ (_kilt_ does not mean +_killed_, but hurt) and wounded who come before his honour with black +eyes or bloody heads is astonishing: but more astonishing is the number +of those who, though they are scarcely able by daily labour to procure +daily food, will nevertheless, without the least reluctance, waste six +or seven hours of the day lounging in the yard or court of a justice +of the peace, waiting to make some complaint about--nothing. It is +impossible to convince them that _time is money_. They do not set any +value upon their own time, and they think that others estimate theirs +at less than nothing. Hence they make no scruple of telling a justice of +the peace a story of an hour long about a _tester_ (sixpence); and if +he grows impatient, they attribute it to some secret prejudice which he +entertains against them. + +Their method is to get a story completely by heart, and to tell it, as +they call it, _out of the face_, that is, from the beginning to the end, +without interruption. + +"Well, my good friend, I have seen you lounging about these three hours +in the yard; what is your business?" + +"Please your honour, it is what I want to speak one word to your +honour." + +"Speak then, but be quick--What is the matter?" + +"The matter, please your honour, is nothing at-all-at-all, only just +about the grazing of a horse, please your honour, that this man here +sold me at the fair of Gurtishannon last Shrove fair, which lay down +three times with myself, please your honour, and _kilt_ me; not to be +telling your honour of how, no later back than yesterday night, he lay +down in the house there within, and all the childer standing round, and +it was God's mercy he did not fall a-top of them, or into the fire to +burn himself. So please your honour, to-day I took him back to this man, +which owned him, and after a great deal to do, I got the mare again I +_swopped (exchanged)_ him for; but he won't pay the grazing of the horse +for the time I had him, though he promised to pay the grazing in case +the horse didn't answer; and he never did a day's work, good or bad, +please your honour, all the time he was with me, and I had the doctor to +him five times any how. And so, please your honour, it is what I expect +your honour will stand my friend, for I'd sooner come to your honour +for justice than to any other in all Ireland. And so I brought him here +before your honour, and expect your honour will make him pay me the +grazing, or tell me, can I process him for it at the next assizes, +please your honour?" + +The defendant now turning a quid of tobacco with his tongue into some +secret cavern in his mouth, begins his defence with-- + +"Please your honour, under favour, and saving your honour's presence, +there's not a word of truth in all this man has been saying from +beginning to end, upon my conscience, and I wouldn't for the value of +the horse itself, grazing and all, be after telling your honour a lie. +For, please your honour, I have a dependence upon your honour that +you'll do me justice, and not be listening to him or the like of him. +Please your honour, it's what he has brought me before your honour, +because he had a spite against me about some oats I sold your honour, +which he was jealous of, and a shawl his wife got at my shister's shop +there without, and never paid for; so I offered to set the shawl against +the grazing, and give him a receipt in full of all demands, but he +wouldn't out of spite, please your honour; so he brought me before your +honour, expecting your honour was mad with me for cutting down the tree +in the horse park, which was none of my doing, please your honour--ill +luck to them that went and belied me to your honour behind my back! +So if your honour is pleasing, I'll tell you the whole truth about the +horse that he swopped against my mare out of the face. Last Shrove fair +I met this man, Jemmy Duffy, please your honour, just at the corner of +the road, where the bridge is broken down, that your honour is to have +the presentment for this year--long life to you for it! And he was at +that time coming from the fair of Gurtishannon, and I the same way. 'How +are you, Jemmy?' says I. 'Very well, I thank ye kindly, Bryan,' says he; +'shall we turn back to Paddy Salmon's and take a naggin of whiskey to +our better acquaintance?' 'I don't care if I did, Jemmy,' says I; 'only +it is what I can't take the whiskey, because I'm under an oath against +it for a month.' Ever since, please your honour, the day your honour met +me on the road, and observed to me I could hardly stand, I had taken so +much; though upon my conscience your honour wronged me greatly that same +time--ill luck to them that belied me behind my back to your honour! +Well, please your honour, as I was telling you, as he was taking the +whiskey, and we talking of one thing or t'other, he makes me an offer to +swop his mare that he couldn't sell at the fair of Gurtishannon, because +nobody would be troubled with the beast, please your honour, against my +horse, and to oblige him I took the mare--sorrow take her! and him along +with her! She kicked me a new car, that was worth three pounds ten, to +tatters the first time I ever put her into it, and I expect your honour +will make him pay me the price of the car, any how, before I pay the +grazing, which I've no right to pay at-all-at-all, only to oblige him. +But I leave it all to your honour; and the whole grazing he ought to be +charging for the beast is but two and eight pence halfpenny, any how, +please your honour. So I'll abide by what your honour says, good or bad. +I'll leave it all to your honour." + +I'll leave _it_ all to your honour--literally means, I'll leave all the +trouble to your honour. + +The Editor knew a justice of the peace in Ireland, who had such a dread +of _having it all left to his honour_, that he frequently gave the +complainants the sum about which they were disputing, to make peace +between them, and to get rid of the trouble of hearing their stories +_out of the face_. But he was soon cured of this method of buying off +disputes, by the increasing multitude of those who, out of pure regard +to his honour, came "to get justice from him, because they would sooner +come before him than before any man in all Ireland." + +[Z] _A raking pot of tea_.--We should observe, this custom has long +since been banished from the higher orders of Irish gentry. The +mysteries of a raking pot of tea, like those of the Bona Dea, are +supposed to be sacred to females; but now and then it has happened, that +some of the male species, who were either more audacious, or more highly +favoured than the rest of their sex, have been admitted by stealth to +these orgies. The time when the festive ceremony begins varies according +to circumstances, but it is never earlier than twelve o'clock at night; +the joys of a raking pot of tea depending on its being made in secret, +and at an unseasonable hour. After a ball, when the more discreet part +of the company has departed to rest, a few chosen female spirits, who +have footed it till they can foot it no longer, and till the sleepy +notes expire under the slurring hand of the musician, retire to a +bedchamber, call the favourite maid, who alone is admitted, bid her +_put down the kettle_, lock the door, and amidst as much giggling and +scrambling as possible, they get round a tea-table, on which all manner +of things are huddled together. Then begin mutual railleries and mutual +confidences amongst the young ladies, and the faint scream and the loud +laugh is heard, and the romping for letters and pocket-books begins, +and gentlemen are called by their surnames, or by the general name of +fellows! pleasant fellows! charming fellows! odious fellows! abominable +fellows! and then all prudish decorums are forgotten, and then we might +be convinced how much the satirical poet was mistaken when he said, + + "There is no woman where there's no reserve." + +The merit of the original idea of a raking pot of tea evidently belongs +to the washerwoman and the laundry-maid. But why should not we have _Low +life above stairs_ as well as _High life below stairs_? + +[A2] _We gained the day by this piece of honesty_.--In a dispute which +occurred some years ago in Ireland, between Mr. E. and Mr. M., about +the boundaries of a farm, an old tenant of Mr. M.'s cut a _sod_ from Mr. +M.'s land, and inserted it in a spot prepared for its reception in +Mr. E.'s land; so nicely was it inserted, that no eye could detect the +junction of the grass. The old man, who was to give his evidence as to +the property, stood upon the inserted sod when the _viewers_ came, and +swore that the ground he _then stood upon_ belonged to his landlord, Mr. +M. + +The Editor had flattered himself that the ingenious contrivance which +Thady records, and the similar subterfuge of this old Irishman, in +the dispute concerning boundaries, were instances of _'cuteness_ +unparalleled in all but Irish story: an English friend, however, +has just mortified the Editor's national vanity by an account of +the following custom, which prevails in part of Shropshire. It is +discreditable for women to appear abroad after the birth of their +children till they have been _churched_. To avoid this reproach, and at +the same time to enjoy the pleasure of gadding, whenever a woman goes +abroad before she has been to church, she takes a tile from the roof of +her house, and puts it upon her head: wearing this panoply all the time +she pays her visits, her conscience is perfectly at ease; for she can +afterwards safely declare to the clergyman, that she "has never been +from under her own roof till she came to be churched." + +[B2] _Carton, and half carton_.--Thady means cartron, and half cartron. +"According to the old record in the black book of Dublin, a _cantred_ is +said to contain 30 _villatas terras_, which are also called _quarters_ +of land (quarterons, _cartrons_); every one of which quarters must +contain so much ground as will pasture 400 cows, and 17 plough-lands. +A knight's fee was composed of 8 hydes, which amount to 160 acres, and +that is generally deemed about a _ploughland_." + +The Editor was favoured by a learned friend with the above extract, from +a MS. of Lord Totness's in the Lambeth library. + +[C2] _Wake_.--A wake in England means a festival held upon the +anniversary of the saint of the parish. At these wakes, rustic games, +rustic conviviality, and rustic courtship, are pursued with all the +ardour and all the appetite which accompany such pleasures as occur but +seldom. In Ireland a wake is a midnight meeting, held professedly for +the indulgence of holy sorrow, but usually it is converted into orgies +of unholy joy. When an Irish man or woman of the lower order dies, the +straw which composed the bed, whether it has been contained in a bag to +form a mattress, or simply spread upon the earthen floor, is immediately +taken out of the house, and burned before the cabin door, the family +at the same time setting up the death howl. The ears and eyes of the +neighbours being thus alarmed, they flock to the house of the deceased, +and by their vociferous sympathy excite and at the same time soothe the +sorrows of the family. + +It is curious to observe how good and bad are mingled in human +institutions. In countries which were thinly inhabited, this custom +prevented private attempts against the lives of individuals, and formed +a kind of coroner's inquest upon the body which had recently expired, +and burning the straw upon which the sick man lay became a simple +preservative against infection. At night the dead body is waked, that is +to say, all the friends and neighbours of the deceased collect in a barn +or stable, where the corpse is laid upon some boards, or an unhinged +door, supported upon stools, the face exposed, the rest of the +body covered with a white sheet. Bound the body are stuck in brass +candlesticks, which have been borrowed perhaps at five miles' distance, +as many candles as the poor person can beg or borrow, observing always +to have an odd number. Pipes and tobacco are first distributed, and +then, according to the _ability_ of the deceased, cakes and ale, and +sometimes whiskey, are _dealt_ to the company: + + "Deal on, deal on, my merry men all, + Deal on your cakes and your wine, + For whatever is dealt at her funeral to-day + Shall be dealt to-morrow at mine." + +After a fit of universal sorrow, and the comfort of a universal dram, +the scandal of the neighbourhood, as in higher circles, occupies the +company. The young lads and lasses romp with one another, and when the +fathers and mothers are at last overcome with sleep and whiskey (_vino +et somno_), the youth become more enterprising, and are frequently +successful. It is said that more matches are made at wakes than at +weddings. + +[D2] _Kilt_.--This word frequently occurs in the preceding pages, where +it means not _killed_, but much _hurt_. In Ireland, not only cowards, +but the brave "die many times before their death."--There killing is no +murder. + + + + +FOOTNOTES: + + +[1] "The cloak, or mantle, as described by Thady, is of high antiquity. +Spenser, in his 'View of the State of Ireland,' proves that it is not, +as some have imagined, peculiarly derived from the Scythians, but that +most nations of the world anciently used the mantle; for the Jews used +it, as you may read of Elias's mantle, &c.; the Chaldees also used it, +as you may read in Diodorus; the Egyptians likewise used it, as you may +read in Herodotus, and may be gathered by the description of Berenice +in the Greek Commentary upon Callimachus; the Greeks also used it +anciently, as appeared by Venus's mantle lined with stars, though +afterward they changed the form thereof into their cloaks, called +Pallai, as some of the Irish also use: and the ancient Latins and Romans +used it, as you may read in Virgil, who was a great antiquary, that +Evander when Aeneas came to him at his feast, did entertain and feast +him sitting on the ground, and lying on mantles: insomuch that he useth +the very word mantile for a mantle, + + '------Humi mantilia sternunt:' + +so that it seemeth that the mantle was a general habit to most nations, +and not proper to the Scythians only." + +Spenser knew the convenience of the said mantle, as housing, bedding, +and clothing. + +"_Iren_. Because the commodity doth not countervail the discommodity; +for the inconveniences which thereby do arise are much more many; for it +is a fit house for an outlaw, a meet bed for a rebel, and an apt cloak +for a thief. First, the outlaw being, for his many crimes and villanies, +banished from the towns and houses of honest men, and wandering in waste +places, far from danger of law, maketh his mantle his house, and under +it covereth himself from the wrath of Heaven, from the offence of the +earth, and from the sight of men. When it raineth, it is his penthouse; +when it bloweth, it is his tent; when it freezeth, it is his tabernacle. +In summer he can wear it loose; in winter he can wrap it close; at all +times he can use it; never heavy, never cumbersome. Likewise for a rebel +it is as serviceable; for in this war that he maketh (if at least +it deserves the name of war), when he still flieth from his foe, and +lurketh in the _thick woods (this should be black bogs_) and straight +passages, waiting for advantages, it is his bed, yea, and almost his +household stuff." + +[2] These fairy-mounts are called ant-hills in England. They are held +in high reverence by the common people in Ireland. A gentleman, who in +laying out his lawn had occasion to level one of these hillocks, could +not prevail upon any of his labourers to begin the ominous work. He was +obliged to take a _loy_ from one of their reluctant hands, and began the +attack himself. The labourers agreed, that the vengeance of the fairies +would fall upon the head of the presumptuous mortal, who first disturbed +them in their retreat. See Glossary [K]. + +[3] The Banshee is a species of aristocratic fairy, who, in the shape of +a little hideous old woman, has been known to appear, and heard to sing +in a mournful supernatural voice under the windows of great houses, to +warn the family that some of them are soon to die. In the last century +every great family in Ireland had a Banshee, who attended regularly; but +latterly their visits and songs have been discontinued. + +[4] _Childer:_ this is the manner in which many of Thady's rank, and +others in Ireland, _formerly_ pronounced the word _children_. + +[5] _Middle men_.--There was a class of men termed middle men in +Ireland, who took large farms on long leases from gentlemen of landed +property, and let the land again in small portions to the poor, as +under-tenants, at exorbitant rents. The _head landlord_, as he _was_ +called, seldom saw his _under-tenants_; but if he could not get the +_middle man_ to pay him his rent punctually, he _went to his land, and +drove the land for his rent_, that is to say, he sent his steward or +bailiff, or driver, to the land to seize the cattle, hay, corn, flax, +oats, or potatoes, belonging to the under-tenants, and proceeded to +sell these for his rents: it sometimes happened that these unfortunate +tenants paid their rent twice over, once to _the middle man_, and once +to the _head landlord_. + +The characteristics of a middle man _were_, servility to his superiors, +and tyranny towards his inferiors: the poor detested this race of +beings. In speaking to them, however, they always used the most abject +language, and the most humble tone and posture--"_Please your honour; +and please your honour's honour_" they knew must be repeated as a +charm at the beginning and end of every equivocating, exculpatory, or +supplicatory sentence; and they were much more alert in doffing their +caps to these new men, than to those of what they call _good old +families_. A witty carpenter once termed these middle men _journeymen +gentlemen_. + +[6] This part of the history of the Rackrent family can scarcely be +thought credible; but in justice to honest Thady, it is hoped the reader +will recollect the history of the celebrated Lady Cathcart's conjugal +imprisonment.--The editor was acquainted with Colonel M'Guire, Lady +Cathcart's husband; he has lately seen and questioned the maid-servant +who lived with Colonel M'Guire during the time of Lady Cathcart's +imprisonment. Her ladyship was locked up in her own house for many +years; during which period her husband was visited by the neighbouring +gentry, and it was his regular custom at dinner to send his compliments +to Lady Cathcart, informing her that the company had the honour to drink +her ladyship's health, and begging to know whether there was any thing +at table that she would like to eat? the answer was always, "Lady +Cathcart's compliments, and she has every thing she wants." An instance +of honesty in a poor Irish woman deserves to be recorded:--Lady Cathcart +had some remarkably fine diamonds, which she had concealed from her +husband, and which she was anxious to get out of the house, lest he +should discover them. She had neither servant nor friend to whom she +could entrust them; but she had observed a poor beggar woman, who used +to come to the house; she spoke to her from the window of the room in +which she was confined; the woman promised to do what she desired, and +Lady Cathcart threw a parcel, containing the jewels, to her. The poor +woman carried them to the person to whom they were directed; and several +years afterwards, when Lady Cathcart recovered her liberty, she received +her diamonds safely. + +At Colonel M'Guire's death her ladyship was released. The editor, within +this year, saw the gentleman who accompanied her to England after her +husband's death. When she first was told of his death, she imagined that +the news was not true, and that it was told only with an intention of +deceiving her. At his death she had scarcely clothes sufficient to cover +her; she wore a red wig, looked scared, and her understanding seemed +stupified; she said that she scarcely knew one human creature from +another: her imprisonment lasted above twenty years. These circumstances +may appear strange to an English reader; but there is no danger in +the present times, that any individual should exercise such tyranny as +Colonel M'Guire's with impunity, the power being now all in the hands of +government, and there being no possibility of obtaining from parliament +an act of indemnity for any cruelties. + +[7] Boo! boo! an exclamation equivalent to _pshaw_ or _nonsense_. + +[8] _Pin_, read _pen_. It formerly was vulgarly pronounced _pin_ in +Ireland. + +[9] _Her mark_. It _was_ the custom in Ireland for those who could not +write to make a cross to stand for their signature, as was formerly the +practice of our English monarchs. The Editor inserts the fac-simile +of an Irish _mark_, which may hereafter be valuable to a judicious +antiquary-- + + Her + Judy X M'Quirk, + Mark. + +In bonds or notes, signed in this manner, a witness is requisite, as the +name is frequently written by him or her. + +[10] _Vows_.--It has been maliciously and unjustly hinted, that the +lower classes of the people in Ireland pay but little regard to oaths; +yet it is certain that some oaths or vows have great power over their +minds. Sometimes they swear they will be revenged on some of their +neighbours; this is an oath that they are never known to break. But, +what is infinitely more extraordinary and unaccountable, they sometimes +make and keep a vow against whiskey; these vows are usually limited to +a short time. A woman who has a drunken husband is most fortunate if she +can prevail upon him to go to the priest, and make a vow against whiskey +for a year, or a month, or a week, or a day. + +[11] _Gossoon_, a little boy--from the French word _garçon_. In most +Irish families there _used_ to be a barefooted gossoon, who was slave +to the cook and butler, and who in fact, without wages, did all the +hard work of the house. Gossoons were always employed as messengers. The +Editor has known a gossoon to go on foot, without shoes or stockings, +fifty-one English miles between sunrise and sunset. + +[12] At St. Patrick´s meeting, London, March, 1806, the Duke of +Sussex said he had the honour of bearing an Irish title, and, with the +permission of the company, he should tell them an anecdote of what he +had experienced on his travels. When he was at Rome, he went to visit an +Irish seminary, and when they heard who he was, and that he had an Irish +title, some of them asked him, "Please you Royal Highness, since you +are an Irish peer, will you tell us if you ever trod upon Irish ground?" +When he told them he had not, "Oh, then," said one of the order, "you +shall soon do so". They then spread some earth, which had been brought +from Ireland, on a marble slab, and made him stand upon it. + +[13] This was actually done at an election in Ireland. + +[14] _To put him up_--to put him in gaol. + +[15] _My little potatoes_--Thady does not mean, by this expression, +that his potatoes were less than other people's, or less than the usual +size--_little_ is here used only as an Italian diminutive, expressive of +fondness. + +[16] _Kith and kin_--family or relations. _Kin_ from _kind_; _kith_ from +we know not what. + +[17] Wigs were formerly used instead of brooms in Ireland, for sweeping +or dusting tables, stairs, &c. The Editor doubted the fact, till he saw +a labourer of the old school sweep down a flight of stairs with his wig; +he afterwards put it on his head again with the utmost composure, and +said, "Oh, please your honour, it's never a bit the worse." + +It must be acknowledged, that these men are not in any danger of +catching cold by taking off their wigs occasionally, because they +usually have fine crops of hair growing under their wigs. The wigs are +often yellow, and the hair which appears from beneath them black; the +wigs are usually too small, and are raised up by the hair beneath, or by +the ears of the wearers. + +[18] A wake in England is a meeting avowedly for merriment; in Ireland +it is a nocturnal meeting avowedly for the purpose of watching and +bewailing the dead; but, in reality, for gossiping and debauchery. See +Glossary [C2]. + +[19] Shebean-house, a hedge alehouse. Shebcan properly means weak +small-beer, taplash. + +[20] At the coronation of one of our monarchs, the king complained of +the confusion which happened in the procession. The great officer who +presided told his majesty, "That it should not be so next time." + +[21] _Kilt and smashed_.--Our author is not here guilty of an +anti-climax. The mere English reader, from a similarity of sound between +the words _kilt_ and _killed_, might be induced to suppose that +their meanings are similar, yet they are not by any means in Ireland +synonymous terms. Thus you may hear a man exclaim, "I'm kilt and +murdered!" but he frequently means only that he has received a black +eye, or a slight contusion.--_I'm kilt all over_ means that he is in a +worse state than being simply _kilt_. Thus, _I'm kilt with the cold_, is +nothing to _I'm kilt all over with the rheumatism_. + +[22] _The room_--the principal room in the house. + +[23] _Tester_--sixpence; from the French word, tête, a head: a piece of +silver stamped with a head, which in old French was called "un testion," +and which was about the value of an old English sixpence. Tester is used +in Shakspeare. + + + + + + +ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS + + + Summos posse viros, et magna exempla daturos, Vervecum in patria, + crassoque sub aëre nasci. JUVENAL. + + + +IRISH BULLS + + +INTRODUCTION. + +What mortal, what fashionable mortal, is there who has not, in the midst +of a formidable circle, been reduced to the embarrassment of having +nothing to say? Who is there that has not felt those oppressive fits +of silence which ensue after the weather, and the fashions, and the +politics, and the scandal, and all the common-place topics of the day +have been utterly exhausted? Who is there that, at such a time, has not +tried in vain to call up an idea, and found that _none would come when +they did call_, or that all that came were impertinent, and must be +rejected, some as too grave, others too gay, some too vulgar, some +too refined for the hearers, some relating to persons, others to +circumstances that must not be mentioned? Not one will do! and all this +time the silence lasts, and the difficulty of breaking it increases +every instant in an incalculable proportion. + +Let it be some comfort to those whose polite sensibility has laboured +under such distress to be assured, that they need never henceforward +fear to be reduced to similar dilemmas. They may be insured for ever +against such dangers at the slight premium and upon the easy condition +of perusing the following little volume. It will satisfy them that there +is a subject which still affords inexhausted and inexhaustible sources +of conversation, suited to all tastes, all ranks, all individuals, +democratic, aristocratic, commercial, or philosophic; suited to every +company which can be combined, purposely or fortuitously, in this great +metropolis, or in any of the most remote parts of England, Wales, or +Scotland. There is a subject which dilates the heart of every true +Briton, which relaxes his muscles, however rigid, to a smile,--which +opens his lips, however closed, to conversation. There is a subject +"which frets another's spleen to cure our own," and which makes even +the angelic part of the creation _laugh themselves mortal_. For who can +forbear to laugh at the bare idea of an Irish bull? + +Nor let any one apprehend that this subject can ever become trite and +vulgar. Custom cannot stale its infinite variety. It is in the main +obvious, and palpable enough for every common understanding; yet +it leads to disquisitions of exquisite subtlety, it branches into +innumerable ramifications, and involves consequences of surprising +importance; it may exercise the ingenuity of the subtlest wit, the fancy +of the oddest humourist, the imagination of the finest poet, and the +judgment of the most profound metaphysician. Moreover, this happy +subject is enveloped in all that doubt and confusion which are so +favourable to the reputation of disputants, and which secures the +glorious possibility of talking incessantly, without being stopped short +by a definition or a demonstration. For much as we have all heard and +talked of Irish bulls, it has never yet been decided what it is +that constitutes a bull. _Incongruity of ideas_, says one. But this +supposition touches too closely upon the definition of wit, which, +according to the best authorities, Locke, Burke, and Stewart, consists +in an unexpected assemblage of ideas, apparently discordant, but in +which some point of resemblance or aptitude is suddenly discovered. + +Then, perhaps, says another, the essence of a bull lies in _confusion +of ideas_. This sounds plausible in theory, but it will not apply +in practice; for confusion of ideas is common to both countries: for +instance, was there not some slight confusion of ideas in the mind of +that English student, who, when he was asked what progress he had made +in the study of medicine, replied, "I hope I shall soon be qualified to +be a physician, for I think I am now able to cure a child?" + +To amend our bill, suppose we insert the word laughable, and say that +a _laughable confusion of ideas_ constitutes a bull. But have we not +a laughable confusion of ideas in our English poet Blackmore's famous +lines in Prince Arthur?-- + + "A painted vest prince Vortigern had on, + Which from a naked Pict his grandsire won." + +We are sensible that, to many people, the most vulgar Irish bull would +appear more laughable merely from its being Irish,--therefore we cannot +make the propensity to laughter in one man the criterion of what is +ridiculous in another; though we have a precedent for this mode of +judging in the laws of England, which are allowed to be the perfection +of human reason. If a man swear that his neighbour has put him in +bodily fear, he may have the cause of his terror sent to gaol; thus the +feelings of the plaintiff become the measure of the defendant's guilt. +As we cannot extend this convenient principle to all matters of taste, +and all subjects of risibility, we are still compelled to acknowledge +that no accurate definition of a bull has yet been given. The essence of +an Irish bull must be of the most ethereal nature, for notwithstanding +the most indefatigable research, it has hitherto escaped from analysis. +The crucible always breaks in the long-expected moment of projection: we +have nevertheless the courage to recommence the process in a new mode. +Perhaps by ascertaining what it is not, we may at last discover what it +is: we must distinguish the genuine from the spurious, the original from +all imitations, the indigenous from the exotic; in short, it must be +determined in what an Irish bull essentially differs from a blunder, or +in what Irish blunders specifically differ from English blunders, and +from those of all other nations. To elucidate these points, or to prove +to the satisfaction of all competent judges that they are beyond the +reach of the human understanding, is the object of the following _Essay +concerning the Nature of Bulls and Blunders_. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +ORIGINALITY OF IRISH BULLS EXAMINED. + + +The difficulty of selecting from the vulgar herd of Irish bulls one that +shall be entitled to the prize, from the united merits of pre-eminent +absurdity, and indisputable originality, is greater than hasty judges +may imagine. Many bulls, reputed to be bred and born in Ireland, are of +foreign extraction; and many more, supposed to be unrivalled in their +kind, may be matched in all their capital _points_: for instance, there +is not a more celebrated bull than Paddy Blake's. When Paddy heard an +English gentleman speaking of the fine echo at the lake of Killarney, +which repeats the sound forty times, he very promptly observed, "Faith, +that's nothing at all to the echo in my father's garden, in the county +of Galway: if you say to it, 'How do you do, Paddy Blake?' it will +answer, 'Pretty well, I thank you, sir.'" + +Now this echo of Paddy Blake's, which has long been the admiration of +the world, is not a prodigy _unique_ in its kind; it can be matched by +one recorded in the immortal works of the great Lord Verulam.[24] + +"I remember well," says this father of philosophy, "that when I went to +the echo at Port Charenton, there was an old Parisian that took it to be +the work of spirits, and of good spirits, 'for,' said he, 'call Satan, +and the echo will not deliver back the devil's name, but will say, 'Va +t'en.'" + +The Parisian echo is surely superior to the Hibernian! Paddy Blake's +simply understood and practised the common rules of good-breeding; but +the Port Charenton echo is "instinct with spirit," and endowed with a +nice moral sense. + +Amongst the famous bulls recorded by the illustrious Joe Miller, there +is one which has been continually quoted as an example of original Irish +genius. An English gentleman was writing a letter in a coffee-house, and +perceiving that an Irishman stationed behind him was taking that liberty +which Hephaestion used with his friend Alexander, instead of putting his +seal upon the lips of the _curious impertinent_, the English gentleman +thought proper to reprove the Hibernian, if not with delicacy, at least +with poetical justice: he concluded writing his letter in these words: +"I would say more, but a damned tall Irishman is reading over my +shoulder every word I write." + +"You lie, you scoundrel!" said the self-convicted Hibernian. + +This blunder is unquestionably excellent; but it is not originally +Irish: it comes, with other riches, from the East, as the reader may +find by looking into a book by M. Galland, entitled, "The Remarkable +Sayings of the Eastern Nations." + +"A learned man was writing to a friend; a troublesome fellow was beside +him, who was looking over his shoulder at what he was writing. The +learned man, who perceived this, continued writing in these words, 'If +an impertinent chap, who stands beside me, were not looking at what I +write, I would write many other things to you, which should be known +only to you and to me.' + +"The troublesome fellow, who was reading on, now thought it incumbent +upon him to speak, and said, 'I swear to you, that I have not read or +looked at what you are writing.' + +"The learned man replied, 'Blockhead, as you are, why then do you say to +me what you are now saying?'" [25] + +Making allowance for the difference of manners in eastern and northern +nations, there is, certainly, such a similarity between this oriental +anecdote and Joe Miller's story, that we may conclude the latter is +stolen from the former. Now, an _Irish_ bull must be a species of +blunder _peculiar_ to Ireland; those that we have hitherto examined, +though they may be called Irish bulls by the ignorant vulgar, have +no right, title, or claim to such a distinction. We should invariably +exclude from that class all blunders which can be found in another +country. For instance, a speech of the celebrated Irish beauty, Lady +C----, has been called a bull; but as a parallel can be produced in the +speech of an English nobleman, _it tells for nothing_. When her ladyship +was presented at court, his majesty, George the Second, politely hoped, +"that, since her arrival in England, she had been entertained with the +gaieties of London." + +"Oh, yes, please your majesty, I have seen every sight in London worth +seeing, except a coronation." + +This _naïveté_ is certainly not equal to that of the English earl +marshal, who, when his king found fault with some arrangement at his +coronation, said, "Please your majesty, I hope it will be better next +time." + +A _naïveté_ of the same species entailed a heavy tax upon the +inhabitants of Beaune, in France. Beaune is famous for burgundy; and +Henry the Fourth, passing through his kingdom, stopped there, and was +well entertained by his loyal subjects. His Majesty praised the burgundy +which they set before him--"It was excellent! it was admirable!" + +"Oh, sire!" cried they, "do you think this excellent? _we have much +finer_ burgundy than this." + +"Have you so? then you can afford to pay for it," replied Harry the +Fourth; and he laid a double tax thenceforward upon the burgundy of +Beaune. + +Of the same class of blunders is the following speech, which we actually +heard not long ago from an Irishman:-- + +"Please your worship, he sent me to the devil, and I came straight to +your honour." + +We thought this an original Irish blunder, till we recollected its +prototype in Marmontel's Annette and Lubin. Lubin concludes his harangue +with, "The bailiff sent us to the devil, and we come to put ourselves +under your protection, my lord." [26] + +The French, at least in former times, were celebrated for politeness; +yet we meet with a _naïve_ compliment of a Frenchman, which would have +been accounted a bull if it had been found in Ireland. + +A gentleman was complimenting Madame Denis on the manner in which she +had just acted Zaire. "To act that part," said she, "a person should be +young and handsome." "Ah, madam!" replied the complimenter _naïvement_, +"you are a complete proof of the contrary." [27] + +We know not any original Irish blunder superior to this, unless it +be that which Lord Orford pronounced to be the best bull that he ever +heard. + +"I hate that woman," said a gentleman, looking at one who had been his +nurse; "I hate that woman, for she changed me at nurse." + +Lord Orford particularly admires this bull, because in the confusion +of the blunderer's ideas he is not clear even of his personal identity. +Philosophers will not perhaps be so ready as his lordship has been to +call this a blunder of the first magnitude. Those who have never been +initiated into the mysteries of metaphysics may have the presumptuous +ignorance to fancy that they understand what is meant by the common +words _I_, or _me_; but the able metaphysician knows better than Lord +Orford's changeling how to prove, to our satisfaction, that we know +nothing of the matter. + +"Personal identity," says Locke, "consists not in the identity of +substance, but in the identity of consciousness, wherein Socrates and +the present mayor of Queenborough agree they are the same person: if +the same Socrates, sleeping and waking, do not partake of the same +consciousness, Socrates waking and sleeping is not the same person; and +to punish Socrates waking for what sleeping Socrates thought, and waking +Socrates was never conscious of, would be no more of right than to +punish one twin for what his brother twin did, whereof he knew nothing, +because their outsides are so like that they could not be distinguished; +for such twins have been seen." [28] + +We may presume that our Hibernian's consciousness could not retrograde +to the time when he was changed at nurse; consequently there was no +continuity of identity between the infant and the man who expressed +his hatred of the nurse for perpetrating the fraud. At all events, the +confusion of identity which excited Lord Orford's admiration in our +Hibernian is by no means unprecedented in France, England, or +ancient Greece, and consequently it cannot be an instance of national +idiosyncracy, or an Irish bull. We find a similar blunder in Spain, in +the time of Cervantes:-- + +"Pray tell me, squire," says the duchess, in Don Quixote, "is not your +master the person whose history is printed under the name of the sage +Hidalgo Don Quixote de la Mancha, who professes himself the admirer of +one Dulcinea del Toboso?" + +"The very same, my lady," answered Sancho; "and I myself am that very +squire of his, who is mentioned, or ought to be mentioned, in that +history, _unless they have changed me in the cradle_." + +In Molière's Amphitrion there is a dialogue between Mercure and Sosie, +evidently taken from the _Attic_ Lucian. Sosie being completely puzzled +out of his personal identity, if not out of his senses, says literally, +"of my being myself I begin to doubt in good earnest; yet when I feel +myself, and when I recollect myself, it seems to me that _I am I_." [29] + +We see that the puzzle about identity proves at last to be of Grecian +origin. It is really edifying to observe how those things which have +long been objects of popular admiration shrink and fade when exposed to +the light of strict examination. An experienced critic proposed that a +work should be written to inquire into the pretensions of modern +writers to original invention, to trace their thefts, and to restore +the property to the ancient owners. Such a work would require powers and +erudition beyond what can be expected from any ordinary individual; the +labour must be shared amongst numbers, and we are proud to assist in +ascertaining the rightful property even of bulls and blunders; though +without pretending, like some literary blood-hounds, to follow up a +plagiarism, where common sagacity is at a fault. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +IRISH NEWSPAPERS. + +We presume that we have successfully disputed the claims imposed upon +the public, in behalf of certain spurious alien blunders, pretending to +be native, original Irish bulls; and we shall now with pleasure proceed +to examine those which have better titles to notice. Even nonsense +ceases to be worthy of attention and public favour, unless it be +original. + +"Dear Lady Emily," says Miss Allscrip, in the excellent comedy of the +Heiress--"Dear Lady Emily, don't you dote upon folly?" + +"To ecstasy!" replies her ladyship; "I only despair of seeing it well +kept up." + +We flatter ourselves, "there is no great danger of that," for we have +the Irish newspapers before us, where, no doubt, we shall find a fresh +harvest of indigenous absurdity ripe for the sickle. + +The first advertisement that meets our eye is promising. + +It is the late proclamation of an Irish mayor, in which we are informed, +that certain business is to be transacted in that city "every Monday +(Easter Sunday only excepted)." This seems rather an unnecessary +exception; but it is not an inadvertency, caused by any hurry of +business in his worship; it is deliberately copied from a precedent, set +in England, by a baronet formerly well known in parliament, who, in the +preamble to a bill, proposed that certain regulations should take place +"on every Monday (Tuesday excepted)." We fear, also, that an English +mayor has been known to blunder. Some years ago the mayor of a capital +English city published a proclamation and advertisement, previous to +the races, "that no gentleman will be allowed to ride on the course, but +_the horses_ that are to run." A mayor's blundering proclamation is +not, however, worth half so much in the eye of ridicule as a lord +lieutenant's. + + "A saint in crape is twice a saint in lawn." + +A bull on the throne is worth twice as much as a bull in the chair. + + "By the lord lieutenant and council of Ireland. + + A proclamation. + + ------, + + "Whereas the greatest economy is necessary in the consumption + of _all species of grain, and especially in the consumption of + potatoes, &c_. + + "Given at the council chamber in Dublin." + +This is the first time we have been informed, by authority, that +potatoes are a species of grain; but we must accede to this new +botanical arrangement, when published under such splendid auspices. +The assertion certainly is not made in distinct terms: but all who +understand the construction of language must imply the conclusion that +we draw from these premises. A general position is in the first member +of the sentence laid down, "_that the greatest economy is necessary in +the consumption of all species of grain_." A particular exemplification +of the principle is made in the next clause, "_especially in the +consumption of potatoes_." + +The inference is as plain as can be made. + +The next article in our newspaper is an advertisement of lands to be let +to _an improving tenant_:--"A few miles from Cork, in _a most sporting +country_, bounded by an _uncommon fine_ turf bog, on the verge of which +there are a number of fine _lime kilns_, where _that manure_ may be had +on very moderate terms, the distance for carriage not being many hundred +yards. The whole lands being now in great heart, and completely laid +down, entirely surrounded, and divided by _impenetrable furze ditches, +made of quarried stones laid edgeways_." + +It will be a matter of difficulty to the untravelled English reader +to comprehend how furze ditches can be made of quarried stones laid +edgeways, or any way; and we fear that we should only puzzle his +intellects still more if we should attempt to explain to him the +mysteries of Irish ditching in the technical terms of the country. With +the face of a ditch he may be acquainted, but to _the back_ and _gripe_, +and bottom of the gripe, and top of the back of a ditch, we fear he is +still to be introduced. + +We can never sufficiently admire these furze ditches made of quarried +stones; they can, indeed, be found only in Ireland; but we have heard in +England of things almost as extraordinary. Dr. Grey, in his erudite and +entertaining notes on Hudibras, records the deposition of a lawyer, who, +in an action of battery, told the judge "that the defendant beat his +client with a certain _wooden instrument_ called _an iron pestle_." Nay, +to go further still, a wise annotator on the Pentateuch, named Peter +Harrison, observed of Moses' two _tables of stone_, that they were made +of _shittim-wood_. The stone furze ditches are scarcely bolder instances +of the catachresis than the stone tables of shittim-wood. This bold +figure of rhetoric in an Irish advertisement of an estate may lead us +to expect that Hibernian advertisers may, in time, emulate the fame of +Christie, the prince of auctioneers, whose fine descriptive powers can +make more of an estate on paper than ever was made of it in any other +shape, except in the form of an ejectment. The fictions of law, indeed, +surpass even the auctioneer's imagination; and a man may be said never +to know the extent of his own possessions until he is served with a +process of ejectment. He then finds himself required to give up the +possession of a multitude of barns, orchards, fish-ponds, horse-ponds, +dwelling-houses, pigeon-houses, dove-cotes, out-houses, and +appurtenances, which he never saw or heard of, and which are nowhere +to be found upon the surface of the habitable globe; so that we cannot +really express this English legal transaction without being guilty of an +Irish bull, and saying that the person ejected is _ousted_ from places +which he never entered. + +To proceed with our newspapers.--The next advertisement is from a +schoolmaster: but we shall not descant upon its grammatical errors, +because they are not blunders peculiar to Irish schoolmasters. We have +frequently observed that the advertisements of schoolmasters, even in +England, are seldom free from solecisms: too much care in writing, it +seems, is almost as bad as too little. In the preface of the dictionary +of the French Academy, there are, as it is computed by an able French +critic, no less than sixteen faults; and in Harris, the celebrated +grammarian's dedication of his Hermes, there is one bull, and almost +as many faults as lines. It appears as if the most precise and learned +writers sometimes, like the ladies in one of Congreve's plays, "run into +the danger to avoid the apprehension." + +After a careful scrutiny of the Hibernian advertisements, we are +compelled to confess that we have not met with any blunders that more +nearly resemble our notion of an Irish bull than one which, some +years ago, appeared in our English papers. It was the title to an +advertisement of a washing machine, in these words: "Every _Man_ his +own _Washerwoman_!" We have this day, Nov. 19, 1807, seen the following: +"This day were published, Memoirs of the Life of Mrs. Elizabeth Carter, +with a _new edition_ of her Poems, some of which have _never_ before +appeared." And an eye-witness assures us, that lately he saw an +advertisement in the following terms stuck up on the walls of an English +coffee-house: "This coffee-house removed up-stairs!" + +A Roman emperor used to draw his stairs up after him every night +into his bedchamber, and we have heard of throwing a house out of the +windows; but drawing a whole house up into itself is new. + +How can we account for such a blunder, in an advertisement on the wall +of an English coffee-house, except by supposing that it was penned by an +Irish waiter? If that were the case, it would an admirable example of an +Irish bull! and therefore we had best take it for granted. + +Let not any conscientious person be startled at the mode of reasoning by +which we have convicted an imaginary Irish waiter of a real bull: it is +at least as good, if not better logic, than that which was successfully +employed in the time of the _popish plot_, to convict an Irish physician +of forgery. The matter is thus recorded by L'Estrange. The Irish +physician "was charged with writing a treasonable libel, but denied the +thing, and appealed to the unlikeness of the characters. It was agreed +that there was no resemblance at all in the hands; but asserted that the +doctor had two hands; his _physic hand_ and his _plot hand_, and the one +not a jot like the other. Now this was the doctor's plot hand, and it +was insisted that, because it was not like one of his hands, it must be +like the other." + +By this convenient mode of reasoning, an Irishman may, at any time, be +convicted of any crime, or of any absurdity. + +But what have we next in our newspaper?--"Murder, Robbery, and Reward." +This seems a strange connexion of things, according to our vulgar +notions of distributive justice; but we are told that the wicked shall +have their _reward_ even in this world; and we suppose it is upon this +principle, that over the stocks in a town in Ireland there appears this +inscription: "A reward for vagabonds." + +Upon proceeding further in our advertisement, which begins with "Murder, +Robbery, and Reward," we find, however, that contrary to the just +expectations raised by the title, the reward is promised, not to the +robbers and murderers, but to those who shall discover and prosecute +them to conviction. Here we were led into error by that hasty mode of +elision which sometimes obtains in the titles even of our English law +processes; as sci-fa, fi-fa, qui-tam, &c.; names which, to preserve the +glorious uncertainty of the law, never refer to the sense, but to the +first words of the writs. + +In our newspaper, a formidable list of unanimous resolutions of various +committees and corps succeeds to the advertisement of murder, +robbery, and reward; and we have, at the close of each day's business, +thanksgivings, in various formulas, for the very proper, upright, or +spirited behaviour of our worthy, gallant, or respected chairman. +Now that a man may behave properly, or sit upright in a chair, we +can readily comprehend; but what are we to understand by a _spirited_ +behaviour in a chair? Perhaps it alludes to the famous duel fought by a +gouty Irish gentleman in his arm chair. As the gallant chairman actually +in that position shot his adversary, it behoves us to _understand_ the +meaning of spirited behaviour in the chair. + +We may, however, venture to hint, fas est et ab hoste doceri, that +in the publication of corps and committees, this formula should be +omitted--"Resolved _unanimously_ (with only _one_ dissentient +voice)." Here the obloquy, meant to rest on the one dissentient voice, +unfortunately falls upon the publishers of the disgrace, exposing them +to the ridicule of resolving an Irish bull. If this be a bull, however, +we are concerned to find it is matched by that of the government of +Munich, who published a catalogue of forbidden books, and afterwards, +under heavy penalties, forbade the reading of the catalogue. But this +might be done in the hurry occasioned by the just dread of revolutionary +principles. + +What shall we say for the blunder of a French academician, in a time of +profound peace, who gave it as his opinion, that nothing should be read +in the public sittings of the academy "par dela ce qui est imposé par +les statuts: il motivait son avis en disant--En fait _d'inutilités_ il +ne faut que _le nécessaire_." If this speech had been made by a member +of the Royal Irish academy, it would have had the honour to be noticed +all over England as a bull. _The honour to be noticed_, we say, in +imitation of the exquisitely polite expression of a correspondent of the +English Royal Society, who talks of "the earthquake that had the honour +to be noticed by the Royal Society." + +It will, we fear, be long before the Irish emerge so far from barbarism +as to write in this style. The Irish are, however, we are happy to +observe, making some little approaches to a refined and courtly style; +kings, and in imitation of them, great men, and all who think themselves +great--a numerous class--speak and write as much as possible in the +plural number instead of the singular. Instead of _I_, they always +say _we_; instead of _my, our_, according to the Italian idiom, which +flatters this humour so far as to make it a point of indispensable +politeness. It is, doubtless, in humble imitation of such illustrious +examples, that an Irishman of the lowest class, when he means to express +that he is a member of a committee, says, _I am a committee_; thus +consolidating the power, wisdom, and virtue of a whole committee in +his own person. Superior even to the Indian, who believes that he shall +inherit the powers and virtues of his enemies after he has destroyed +them;[30] this committee-man takes possession of the faculties of his +living friends and associates. When some of the _united men_, as they +called themselves, were examined, they frequently answered to the +questions, who, or what are you? I am a com'mittéé. + +However extraordinary it may at first sound, to hear one man assert that +he is a whole committee, it is not more wonderful than that the whole +parliament of Bordeaux should be found in a one-horse chair.[31] + +We forbear to descant further upon Irish committee-men, lest we should +call to mind, merely by the similarity of name, the times when England +had her committee-men, who were not perfectly free from all tinge of +absurdity. It is remarkable, that in times of popular ferment, a variety +of new terms are coined to serve purposes and passions of the moment. In +the days of the English committee-men this practice had risen to such +a height, that it was fair game for ridicule. Accordingly, Sir John +Birkenhead, about that time, found it necessary to publish, "_The +Children's Dictionary; an exact Collection of all New Words born since +Nov. 3, 1640, in Speeches, Prayers, and Sermons, as well those that +signify something as nothing_." We observe that it has been likewise +found necessary to publish, in France, _un Dictionnaire néologique_, a +dictionary of the new terms adopted since the revolution. + +It must be supposed, that during the late disturbances in Ireland, +many _cant_ terms have been brought into use, which are not yet to be +reckoned amongst the acknowledged terms of the country. However +absurd these may be, they are not for our purpose proper subjects of +animadversion. Some countries have their birds of passage, and some +their follies of passage, which it is scarcely worth while to shoot as +they fly. It has been often said, that the language of a people is a +just criterion of their progress in civilization; but we must not take +a specimen of their vocabulary during the immediate prevalence of +any transient passion or prejudice. It is to be hoped, that all party +barbarisms in language will now be disused and forgotten; for some time +has elapsed since we read the following article of country intelligence +in a Dublin paper:-- + +"General ---- scoured the country yesterday, but had not the good +fortune to meet with a single rebel." + +The author of this paragraph seems to have been a keen sportsman; he +regrets the not meeting with a single rebel, as he would the not meeting +with a single hare or partridge; and he justly considers the human biped +as fair game, to be hunted down by all who are properly qualified and +licensed by government. To the English, perhaps, it may seem a strange +subject of lamentation, that a general could not meet with a single +rebel in the county of Wicklow, when they have so lately been informed, +from the high authority of a noble lord, that Ireland was so disturbed, +that whenever he went out, he called as regularly for his pistols as for +his hat and gloves. Possibly, however, this was only a figure of speech, +like that of Bishop Wilkins, who prophesied that the time would come +when gentlemen, when they were to go a journey, would call for their +wings as regularly as they call for their boots.--We _believe_ that +the hyperboles of the privy-counsellor and the bishop are of equal +magnitude. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + +THE CRIMINAL LAW OF BULLS AND BLUNDERS. + +Madame de Sevigné observes, that there are few people sufficiently +candid, or sufficiently enlightened, to distinguish, in their judgments +of others, between those faults and mistakes which proceed from _manque +d'esprit_, and those which arise merely from _manque d'usage_. We +cannot appreciate the talents or character of foreigners, without +making allowance for their ignorance of our manners, of the idiom of our +language, and the multifarious significations of some of our words. A +French gentleman, who dined in London, in company with the celebrated +author of the Rambler, wishing to show him a mark of peculiar respect, +drank Dr. Johnson's health in these words: "Your health, Mr. Vagabond." +Assuredly no well-judging Englishman would undervalue the Frenchman's +abilities, because he mistook the meaning of the words Vagabond and +Rambler; he would recollect, that in old English and modern French +authors, vagabond means wanderer: des eaux vagabondes is a phrase far +from inelegant. But independently of this consideration, no well-bred +gentleman would put a foreigner out of countenance by openly laughing at +such a mistake: he would imitate the politeness of the Frenchman, who, +when Dr. Moore said, "I am afraid the expression I have just used is +not French," replied, "Non, monsieur--mais il mérite bien de l'être." +It would, indeed, be a great stretch of politeness to extend this to +our Irish neighbours: for no Irishism can ever deserve to be Anglicised, +though so many Gallicisms have of late not only been naturalized in +England, but even adopted by the most fashionable speakers and writers. +The mistaking a feminine for a masculine noun, or a masculine for a +feminine, must, in all probability, have happened to every Englishman +that ever opened his lips in Paris; yet without losing his reputation +for common sense. But when a poor Irish haymaker, who had but just +learned a few phrases of the English language by rote, mistook a +feminine for a masculine noun, and began his speech in a court of +justice with these words: "My lord, I am a poor widow," instead of, "My +lord, I am a poor widower;" it was sufficient to throw a grave judge and +jury into convulsions of laughter. It was formerly, in law, no murder to +kill a _merus Hibernicus_; and it is to this day no offence against good +manners to laugh at any of this species. It is of a thousand times more +consequence to have the laugh than the argument on our side, as all +those know full well who have any experience in the management of the +great or little vulgar. By the common custom and courtesy of England we +_have_ the laugh on our side: let us keep it by all means. All means +are justifiable to obtain a great end, as all great men maintain in +practice, if not in theory. We need not, in imitating them, have any +scruples of conscience; we need not apprehend, that to ridicule our +Hibernian neighbours unmercifully is unfriendly or ungenerous. Nations, +it has been well observed, are never generous in their conduct towards +each other. We must follow the common _custom_ of nations where we have +no _law_ to guide our proceedings. We must therefore carefully continue +the laudable practice of ridiculing the blunders, whether real or +imaginary, of Irishmen. In conversation, Englishmen are permitted +sometimes to blunder, but without ever being called blunderers. It +would, indeed, be an intolerable restraint upon social intercourse, if +every man were subject to be taxed for each inaccuracy of language--if +he were compelled to talk, upon all occasions, as if he were amenable to +a star-chamber of criticism, and surrounded by informers. + +Much must be allowed in England for the licence of conversation; but by +no means must this conversation-licence be extended to the Irish. If, +for instance, at the convivial hour of dinner, when men are not usually +intent upon grammatical or mathematical niceties, an Irish gentleman +desires him "who rules the roast," to cut the sirloin of beef +_horizontally downwards_, let the mistake immediately be set down in our +note-books, and conned over, and got by heart; and let it be repeated to +all eternity as a bull. But if an English lady observe, when the candles +have long stood unsnuffed, that "those odious long wicks will soon grow +up to the ceiling," she can be accused only of an error of vision. We +conjure our readers to attend to these distinctions in their intercourse +with their Hibernian neighbours: it must be done habitually and +technically; and we must not listen to what is called reason; we +must not enter into any argument, pro or con, but silence every Irish +opponent, if we can, with a laugh. + +The Abbé Girard, in his accurate work, "Synonymes François," makes a +_plausible_ distinction between _un âne_ et _un ignorant_; he says, "On +est âne par disposition: on est ignorant par défaut d'instruction." +An ignorant person may certainly, even in the very circumstances which +betray his ignorance, evince considerable ability. For instance, the +native Indian, who for the first time saw a bottle of porter uncorked, +and who expressed great astonishment at the quantity of froth which he +saw burst from the bottle, and much curiosity to know whether it could +all be put in again, showed even in his ignorance a degree of capacity, +which in different situations might have saved his life, or have made +his fortune. In the situation of the poor fisher-man, and the great +giant of smoke, who issued from the small vessel, well known to all +versed in the Arabian Tales, such acuteness would have saved his life; +and a similar spirit of inquiry, applied to chemistry, might, in modern +times, have made his fortune. Even where no positive abilities are +displayed at the time by those who manifest ignorance, we should not +(_except the culprits be natives of Ireland_) hastily give them up. +Ignorance of the most common objects is not only incident to certain +situations, but absolutely unavoidable; and the individuals placed in +those situations are no more blameable than they would be for becoming +blind in the snows of Lapland, or for having goitres amongst the Cretins +of Le Vallais. Would you blame the ignorant nuns who, insensible of the +danger of an eruption of Mount Vesuvius,[32] warmed themselves at the +burning lava which flowed up to the windows of their cells? or would +you think the French canoness an idiot who, at the age of fifty, was, on +account of her health, to go out of her convent, and asked, when she +met a cow for the first time, what strange animal that was? or would you +think that those poor children deserved to be stigmatized as fools, +who, after being confined for a couple of years in an English workhouse, +actually at eight years old had forgotten the names of a pig and a +calf?[33] their ignorance was surely more deplorable than ridiculous. +When the London young lady kept a collection of chicken-bones on her +plate at dinner, as a bonne-bouche for her brother's horse,[34] Dr. +Johnson would not suffer her to be called an idiot, but very judiciously +defended her, by maintaining, that her action merely demonstrated her +ignorant of points of natural history, on which a London miss had no +immediate opportunity of obtaining information. Had the world always +judged upon such subjects with similar candour, the reproachful cant +term of _cockney_ would never have been disgracefully naturalized in +the English language. This word, as we are informed by a learned +philologist, originated from the mistake of a learned citizen's son, +who having been bred up entirely in the metropolis, was so gloriously +ignorant of country life and country animals, that the first time he +heard a _cock_ crow, he called it _neighing_. If such a mistake had been +made by an Irishman, it would surely have been called a bull: it has, +at least, as good pretensions to the title as many mistakes made by +ignorant Hibernians; for instance, the well-known blunder relative to +the sphinx:--An uninformed Irishman, hearing the sphinx alluded to in +company whispered to a friend, "The sphinx! who is that now?" + +"A monster-man." + +"Oh, a _Munster_-man: I thought he was from Connaught," replied our +Irishman, determined not to seem totally unacquainted with the family. +Gross and ridiculous as this blunder appears, we are compelled by +candour to allow, that the affectation of showing knowledge has betrayed +to shame men far superior to our Hibernian, both in reputation and in +the means of acquiring knowledge. + +Cardinal Richelieu, the Maecenas or would-be Maecenas of France, once +mistook the name of a noted grammarian, _Maurus Terentianus_, for a play +of Terence's. This is called by the French writer who records it, "une +_bévue_ bien grossière." However gross, a mistake can never be made into +a bull. We find _bévues_ French, English, Italian, German, Latin, and +Greek, of theologians, historians, antiquaries, poets, critics, and +translators, without end. The learned Budaeus takes Sir Thomas More's +Utopia for a true history; and proposes sending missionaries to work the +conversion of so wise a people as the Utopians. An English antiquary[35] +mistakes a tomb in a Gothic cathedral for the tomb of Hector. Pope, our +great poet, and prince of translators, mistakes _Dec. the 8th, Nov. the +5th_, of Cinthio, for Dec. 8th, Nov. 5th; and Warburton, his learned +critic, improves upon the blunder, by afterward writing the words +December and November at full length. Better still, because more comic, +is the blunder of a Frenchman, who, puzzled by the title of one of +Cibber's plays, "Love's Last Shift," translates it "La Dernière Chemise +de l'Amour." We laugh at these mistakes, and forget them; but who can +forget the blunder of the Cork almanack-maker, who informs the world +that the principal republics in _Europe_, are Venice, Holland, and +_America_? + +The blunders of men of all countries, except Ireland, do not affix an +indelible stigma upon individual or national character. A free pardon +is, and ought to be, granted by every Englishman to the vernacular and +literary errors of those who have the happiness to be born subjects of +Great Britain. What enviable privileges are annexed to the birth of an +Englishman! and what a misfortune it is to be a native of Ireland! + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +LITTLE DOMINICK. + +We have laid down the general law of bulls and blunders; but, as there +is no rule without an exception, we may perhaps allow an exception in +favour of little Dominick. + +Little Dominick was born at Fort-Reilly, in Ireland, and bred nowhere +until his tenth year, when he was sent to Wales to learn manners and +grammar at the school of Mr. Owen ap Davies ap Jenkins ap Jones. This +gentleman had reason to think himself the greatest of men; for he had +over his chimney-piece a well-smoked genealogy, duly attested, tracing +his ancestry in a direct line up to Noah; and moreover he was nearly +related to the learned etymologist, who, in the time of Queen Elizabeth, +wrote a folio to prove that the language of Adam and Eve in Paradise was +pure Welsh. With such causes to be proud, Mr. Owen ap Davies ap +Jenkins ap Jones was excusable for sometimes seeming to forget that a +schoolmaster is but a man. He, however, sometimes entirely forgot that +a boy is but a boy; and this happened most frequently with respect to +little Dominick. + +This unlucky wight was flogged every morning by his master, not for +his vices, but for his vicious constructions, and laughed at by his +companions every evening for his idiomatic absurdities. They would +probably have been inclined to sympathize in his misfortunes, but that +he was the only Irish boy at school; and as he was at a distance from +all his relations, and without a friend to take his part, he was a just +object of obloquy and derision. Every sentence he spoke was a bull; +every two words he put together proved a false concord; and every sound +he articulated betrayed the brogue. But as he possessed some of the +characteristic boldness of those who have been dipped in the Shannon, he +showed himself able and willing to fight his own battles with the host +of foes by whom he was encompassed. Some of these, it was said, were +of nearly twice his stature. This may be exaggerated, but it is certain +that our hero sometimes ventured with sly Irish humour to revenge +himself upon his most powerful tyrant by mimicking the Welsh accent, +in which Mr. Owen ap Jones said to him, "Cot pless me, you plockit, and +shall I never _learn_ you Enclish crammer?" + +It was whispered in the ear of this Dionysius, that our little hero was +a mimick; and he was treated with increased severity. + +The midsummer holydays approached; but he feared that they would shine +no holydays for him. He had written to his mother to tell her that +school would break up the 21st, and to beg an answer, without fail, by +return of post; but no answer came. + +It was now nearly two months since he had heard from his dear mother +or any of his friends in Ireland. His spirits began to sink under the +pressure of these accumulated misfortunes: he slept little, ate less, +and played not at all; indeed nobody would play with him upon equal +terms, because he was nobody's equal; his schoolfellows continued to +consider him as a being, if not of a different species, at least of a +different _caste_ from themselves. + +Mr. Owen ap Jones's triumph over the little Irish plockit was nearly +complete, for the boy's heart was almost broken, when there came to the +school a new scholar--oh, how unlike the others! His name was Edwards; +he was the son of a neighbouring Welsh gentleman; and he had himself the +spirit of a gentleman. When he saw how poor Dominick was persecuted, he +took him under his protection, fought his battles with the Welsh boys, +and, instead of laughing at him for speaking Irish, he endeavoured to +teach him to speak English. In his answers to the first question Edwards +ever asked him, little Dominick made two blunders, which set all his +other companions in a roar; yet Edwards would not allow them to be +genuine bulls. + +In answer to the question, "Who is your father?" Dominick said, with a +deep sigh, "I have no father--I am an orphan[36]--I have only a mother." + +"Have you any brothers and sisters?" + +"No; I wish I had; perhaps they would love me, and not laugh at me," +said Dominick, with tears in his eyes; "but I have no brothers but +myself." + +One day Mr. Jones came into the schoolroom with an open letter in his +hand, saying, "Here, you little Irish plockit, here's a letter from your +mother." + +The little Irish blockhead started from his form, and, throwing his +grammar on the floor, leaped up higher than he or any boy in the +school had ever been seen to leap before, and, clapping his hands, he +exclaimed, "A letter from my mother! And _will_ I hear the letter? And +_will_ I see her once more? And _will_ I go home these holydays? Oh, +then I will be too happy!" + +"There's no tanger of that," said Mr. Owen ap Jones; "for your mother, +like a wise ooman, writes me here, that py the atvice of your cardian, +to oom she is coing to be married, she will not pring you home to +Ireland till I send her word you are perfect in your Enclish crammer at +least." + +"I have my lesson perfect, sir," said Dominick, taking his grammar up +from the floor; "_will_ I say it now?" + +"_Will_ I say it now? No, you plockit, no; and I will write your mother +word you have proke Priscian's head four times this tay, since her +letter came. You Irish plockit!" continued the relentless grammarian, +"will you never learn the tifference between _shall_ and _will_? _Will_ +I hear the letter, and _will_ I see her once more? What Enclish is this, +plockit?" + +The Welsh boys all grinned, except Edwards, who hummed, loud enough to +be heard, two lines of the good old English song, + + "And _will_ I see him once again? + And _will_ I hear him speak?" + +Many of the boys were fortunately too ignorant to feel the force of the +quotation; but Mr. Owen ap Jones understood it, turned upon his heel, +and walked off. Soon afterwards he summoned Dominick to his awful desk; +and, pointing with his ruler to the following page in Harris's Hermes, +bade him "reat it, and understant it, if he could." Little Dominick +read, but could not understand. + +"Then read it loud, you plockit." + +Dominick read aloud-- + +"There is _nothing appears so clearly_ an object of the mind or +intellect only as _the future_ does, since we can find no place for its +existence any where else: not but the same, if we consider, is _equally +true_ of the past--" + +"Well, co on--What stops the plockit? Can't you reat Enclish now?" + +"Yes, sir; but I was trying to understand it. I was considering, that +this is like what they would call an Irish bull, if I had said it." + +Little Dominick could not explain what he meant in English, that Mr. +Owen ap Jones _would_ understand; and, to punish him for his impertinent +observation, the boy was doomed to learn all that Harris and Lowth have +written to explain the nature of _shall_ and _will_. The reader, if +he be desirous of knowing the full extent of the penance enjoined, may +consult Lowth's Grammar, p. 52, ed. 1799, and Harris's Hermes, p. 10, +11, and 12, 4th edition. Undismayed at the length of his task, little +Dominick only said, "I hope, if I say it all without missing a word, +you will not give my mother a bad account of me and my grammar studies, +sir." + +"Say it all first, without missing a word, and then I shall see what I +shall say," replied Mr. Owen ap Jones. + +Even the encouragement of this oracular answer excited the boy's fond +hopes so keenly, that he lent his little soul to the task, learned it +perfectly, said it at night, without missing one word, to his friend +Edwards, and said it the next morning, without missing one word, to his +master. + +"And now, sir," said the boy, looking up, "will you write to my mother? +And _shall_ I see her? And _shall_ I go home?" + +"Tell me first, whether you understant all this that you have learnt so +cliply," said Mr. Owen ap Jones. + +That was more than his bond. Our hero's countenance fell: and he +acknowledged that he did not understand it perfectly. + +"Then I cannot write a coot account of you and your crammer studies to +your mother; my conscience coes against it," said the conscientious Mr. +Owen ap Jones. + +No entreaties could move him. Dominick never saw the letter that was +written to his mother; but he felt the consequence. She wrote word this +time punctually _by return of the post_, that she was sorry that she +could not send for him home these holydays, as she heard so bad an +account from Mr. Jones, &c. and as she thought it her duty not to +interrupt the course of his education, especially his grammar studies. +Little Dominick heaved many a sigh when he saw the packings-up of all +his school-fellows, and dropped a few tears as he looked out of the +window, and saw them, one after another, get on their Welsh ponies, and +gallop off towards their homes. + +"I have no home to go to," said he. + +"Yes, you have," cried Edwards; "and _our_ horses are at the door to +carry us there." + +"To Ireland? me!--the horses!" said the poor boy, quite bewildered: "and +will they bring me to Ireland?" + +"No; the horses cannot carry you to Ireland," said Edwards, laughing +good-naturedly, "but you have a home now in England. I asked my father +to let me _take_ you home with me; and he says 'Yes,' like a dear, good +father, and has sent the horses. Come, let's away." + +"But will Mr. Jones let me go?" + +"Yes; he dare not refuse; for my father has a living in his gift that +Jones wants, and which he will not have, if he do not change his tone to +you." + +Little Dominick could not speak one word, his heart was so full. No boy +could be happier than he was during these holydays: "the genial current +of his soul," which had been frozen by unkindness, flowed with all its +natural freedom and force. When Dominick returned to school after these +holydays were over, Mr. Owen ap Jones, who now found that the Irish boy +had an English protector with a living in his gift, changed his tone. +He never more complained unjustly that Dominick broke Priscian's head, +seldom called him Irish plockit, and once would have flogged a Welsh boy +for taking up this cast-off expression of the master's, but the Irish +blockhead begged the culprit off. + +Little Dominick sprang forward rapidly in his studies: he soon surpassed +every boy in the school, his friend Edwards only excepted. In process of +time his guardian removed him to a higher seminary of education. Edwards +had a tutor at home. The friends separated. Afterwards they followed +different professions in distant parts of the world; and they neither +saw nor heard any more of each other for many years. From boys they +grew into men, and Dominick, now no longer little Dominick, went over to +India as private secretary to one of our commanders in chief. How he got +into this situation, or by what gradations he rose in the world, we are +not exactly informed: we know only that he was the reputed author of +a much-admired pamphlet on Indian affairs; that the despatches of the +general to whom he was secretary were remarkably well written, and +that Dominick O'Reilly, Esq. returned to England, after several years' +absence, not miraculously rich, but with a fortune equal to his wishes. +His wishes were not extravagant: his utmost ambition was to return +to his native country with a fortune that should enable him to live +independently of all the world, especially of some of his relations, who +had not used him well. His mother was no more. + +Upon his arrival in London, one of the first things he did was to read +the Irish newspapers.--To his inexpressible joy, he saw the estate of +Fort-Reilly advertised to be sold--the very estate which had formerly +belonged to his own family. Away he posted directly to an attorney's who +was empowered to dispose of the land. + +When this attorney produced a map of the well-known pleasure-ground, and +an elevation of that house in which he had spent the happiest hours +of his infancy, his heart was so touched, that he was on the point of +paying down more for an old ruin than a good new house would cost. +The attorney acted _honestly by his client_, and seized this moment to +exhibit a plan of the stabling and offices, which, as sometimes is the +case in Ireland, were in a style far superior to the dwelling-house. +Our hero surveyed these with transport. He rapidly planned various +improvements in imagination, and planted certain favourite spots in the +pleasure-ground. During this time the attorney was giving directions to +a clerk about some other business: suddenly the name of _Owen ap Jones_ +struck his ear--He started. + +"Let him wait in the front parlour; his money is not forthcoming," said +the attorney; "and if he keep Edwards in gaol till he rots." + +"Edwards! Good heavens!--in gaol! What Edwards?" exclaimed our hero. + +It was his friend Edwards. + +The attorney told him that Mr. Edwards had been involved in great +distress by taking upon himself his father's debts, which had been +incurred in exploring a mine in Wales; that of all the creditors none +had refused to compound, except a Welsh parson, who had been presented +to his living by old Edwards; and that this Mr. Owen ap Jones had thrown +young Mr. Edwards into gaol for the debt. + +"What is the rascal's demand? He shall be paid off this instant," cried +Dominick, throwing down the plan of Fort-Reilly: "send for him up, and +let me pay him off upon the spot." + +"Had not we best finish our business first, about the O'Reilly estate, +sir?" said the attorney. + +"No, sir; damn the O'Reilly estate," cried he, huddling the maps +together on the desk, and taking up the bank notes, which he had begun +to reckon for the purchase money. "I beg your pardon, sir. If you knew +the facts, you would excuse me. Why does not this rascal come up to be +paid?" + +The attorney, thunderstruck by this Hibernian impetuosity, had not yet +found time to take his pen out of his mouth. As he sat transfixed in his +arm-chair, O'Reilly ran to the head of the stairs, and called out in a +stentorian voice, "Here, you Mr. Owen ap Jones; come up and be paid off +this instant, or you shall never be paid _at all_." + +Up stairs hobbled the old schoolmaster, as fast as the gout and Welsh +ale would let him. "Cot pless me, that voice," he began-- + +"Where's your bond, sir?" said the attorney. + +"Safe here, Cot be praised," said the terrified Owen ap Jones, pulling +out of his bosom, first a blue pocket-handkerchief, and then a tattered +Welsh grammar, which O'Reilly kicked to the farther end of the room. + +"Here is my bond," said he, "in the crammer," which he gathered from +the ground; then fumbling over the leaves, he at length unfolded the +precious deposit. + +O'Reilly saw the bond, seized it, looked at the sum, paid it into the +attorney's hands, tore the seal from the bond; then, without looking at +old Jones, whom he dared not trust himself to speak to, he clapped his +hat upon his head, and rushed out of the room. Arrived at the King's +Bench prison, he hurried to the apartment where Edwards was confined. +The bolts flew back; for even the turnkeys seemed to catch our hero's +enthusiasm. + +"Edwards, my dear boy! how do you do? Here's a bond debt, justly due to +you for my education. Oh, never mind asking any unnecessary questions; +only just make haste out of this undeserved abode: our old rascal is +paid off--Owen ap Jones, you know.--Well, how the man stares! Why, now, +will you have the assurance to pretend to forget who I am? and must I +_spake_," continued he, assuming the tone of his childhood, "and must I +_spake_ to you again in my ould Irish brogue before you will ricollict +your own _little Dominick_?" + +When his friend Edwards was out of prison, and when our hero had leisure +to look into business, he returned to the attorney to see that Mr. Owen +ap Jones had been legally satisfied. + +"Sir," said the attorney, "I have paid the plaintiff in this suit; and +he is satisfied: but I must say," added he, with a contemptuous smile, +"that you Irish gentlemen are rather in too great a hurry in doing +business: business, sir, is a thing that must be done slowly to be done +well." + +"I am ready now to do business as slowly as you please; but when my +friend was in prison, I thought the quicker I did his business the +better. Now tell me what mistake I have made, and I will rectify it +instantly." + +"_Instantly!_ 'Tis well, sir, with your promptitude, that you have to +deal with what prejudice thinks uncommon--an honest attorney. Here are +some bank notes of yours, sir, amounting to a good round sum. You made a +little blunder in this business: you left me the penalty, instead of the +principal, of the bond--just twice as much as you should have done." + +"Just twice as much as was in the bond, but not twice as much as +I should have done, nor half as much as I should have done, in my +opinion," said O'Reilly; "but whatever I did was with my eyes open: +I was persuaded you were an honest man; in which you see I was not +mistaken; and as a man of business, I knew you would pay Jones only his +due. The remainder of the money I meant, and mean, should lie in your +hands for my friend Edwards's use. I feared he would not have taken it +from my hands: I therefore left it in yours. To have taken my friend out +of prison merely to let him go back again to-day, for want of money to +keep himself clear with the world, would have been a blunder indeed, +but not an Irish blunder: our Irish blunders are never blunders of the +heart." + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + +THE BLISS OF IGNORANCE. + +No _well-informed_ Englishman would laugh at the blunders of such a +character as little Dominick; but there are people who justify the +assertion, that laughter always arises from a sense of real or imaginary +superiority. Now if it be true, that laughter has its source in vanity, +as the most ignorant are generally the most vain, they must enjoy +this pleasure in its highest perfection. Unconscious of their own +deficiencies, and consequently fearless of becoming in their turn the +objects of ridicule, they enjoy in full security the delight of humbling +their superiors. How much are they to be admired for the courage with +which they apply, on all occasions, their test of truth! Wise men may be +struck with admiration, respect, doubt, or humility; but the ignorant, +happily unconscious that they know nothing, can be checked in their +merriment by no consideration, human or divine. Theirs is the sly sneer, +the dry joke, and the horse laugh: theirs the comprehensive range of +ridicule, which takes "every creature in, of every kind." No fastidious +delicacy spoils their sports of fancy: though ten times told, the tale +to them never can be tedious; though dull "as the fat weed that grows on +Lethe's bank," the jest for them has all the poignancy of satire: on the +very offals, the garbage of wit, they can feed and batten. Happy they +who can find in every jester the wit of Sterne or Swift; who else can +wade through hundreds of thickly-printed pages to obtain for their +reward such witticisms as the following:-- + +"Two Irishmen having travelled on foot from Chester to Barnet, were +confoundedly tired and fatigued by their journey; and the more so when +they were told that they had still about ten miles to go. 'By my shoul +and St. Patrick,' cries one of them, 'it is but five miles a-piece.'" + +Here, notwithstanding the promise of a jest held forth by the words, "By +my shoul and St. Patrick," we are ultimately cheated of our hopes. To +the ignorant, indeed, the word of promise is kept to the mind as well as +to the ear; but others perceive that, instead of a bull, they have only +a piece of sentimental arithmetic, founded upon the elegant theorem, +that friendship doubles all our pleasures, and divides all our pains. + +We must not, from false delicacy to our countrymen, here omit a piece +of advice to English retailers or inventors of Irish blunders. Let them +beware of such prefatory exclamations as--"_By my shoul and St. Patrick! +By Jasus! Arrah, honey! My dear joy!_" &c., because all such phrases, +besides being absolutely out of date and fashion in Ireland, raise too +high an expectation in the minds of a British audience, operating as +much to the disadvantage of the story-teller as the dangerous exordium +of--"I'll tell you an excellent story;" an exordium ever to be avoided +by all prudent wits. + +Another caution should be given to well-meaning ignorance. Never produce +that as an Irish bull for which any person of common literature can +immediately supply a precedent from our best authors. Never be at the +pains, for instance, of telling, from Joe Miller, a _good_ story of an +_Irish_ sailor, who _travelled_ with Captain Cook _round_ the world, and +afterwards swore to his companions that it was as flat as a table. + +This anecdote, however excellent, immediately finds a parallel in Pope: + + "Mad Mathesis alone was unconfined, + Too mad for mere material chains to bind; + Now to pure space lifts her ecstatic stare, + Now running _round_ the circle finds it square." + +Pope was led into the blunder of representing Mad Mathesis running +_round the circle_, and finding it _square_ by a confused notion that +mathematicians had considered the circle as composed of straight lines. +His mathematical friends could have told him, that though it was talked +of as a polygon, it was not supposed to be a square; but _polygon_ would +not have rhymed to _stare_; and poets, when they launch into the ocean +of words, must have an eye to the helm; at all events a poet, who is not +supposed to be a student of the exact sciences, may be forgiven for a +mathematical blunder. This affair of squaring the circle seems to be +peculiarly liable to error; for even an accurate mathematician cannot +speak of it without committing something very like a bull. + +Dr. Hutton, in his Treatise on Mensuration, p. 119, says, "As the +_famous_ quadrature of the late Mr. John Machin, professor of astronomy +in Gresham College, is extremely expeditious and _but little known_, I +shall take this opportunity of explaining it." + +It is to be presumed, that the doctor here uses the word _famous_ +in that acceptation in which it is daily and hourly employed by our +Bond-street loungers, by city apprentices, and men of the ton. "That was +a _famous_ good joke;" "He is a _famous_ whip;" "We had a _famous_ hop," +&c. Now it cannot be supposed that any of these things are in themselves +entitled to fame; but they may, indeed, by the courtesy of England, be +at once _famous_, and but little known. It is unnecessary to enter into +the defence either of Dr. Hutton or of Pope, for they were not born in +Ireland, therefore they cannot make bulls; and assuredly their mistakes +will not, in the opinion of any person of common sense or candour, +derogate from their reputation. + +"Never strike till you are sure to wound," is a maxim well known to the +polite[37] and politic part of the world. "Never laugh when the laugh +can be turned against you," should be the maxim of those who find their +chief pleasure in making others ridiculous. This principle, if applied +to our subject, would lead, however, to a very extensive and troublesome +system of mutual forbearance; troublesome in proportion to the good or +ill humour of the parties concerned; extensive in proportion to their +knowledge and acquirements. A man of cultivated parts will foresee the +possibility of the retort courteous, where an ignorant man will enjoy +the fearless bliss of ignorance. For example, an illiterate person may +enjoy a hearty laugh at the common story of an old Irish beggar-man, +who, pretending to be dumb, was thrown off his guard by the question, +"How many years have you been dumb?" and answered, "Five years last St. +John's Eve, please your honour." + +But our triumph over the Irishman abates, when we recollect in the +History of England, and in Shakspeare, the case of Saunder Simcox, who +pretended to be miraculously and instantaneously cured of blindness at +St. Alban's shrine. + +Since we have bestowed so much criticism on the blunder of a beggar-man, +a word or two must be permitted on the blunder of a thief. It is natural +for ignorant people to laugh at the Hibernian who said that he had +stolen a pound of chocolate _to make tea of_. But philosophers are +disposed to abstain from the laugh of superiority when they recollect +that the Irishman could probably make as good tea from chocolate as the +chemist could make butter, sugar, and cream, from antimony, sulphur, and +tartar. The absurdities in the ancient chemical nomenclature could not +be surpassed by any in the Hibernian catalogue. If the reader should +think this a rash and unwarrantable assertion, we refer him to an +essay,[38] in which the flagrant abuses of speech in the old language of +chemistry are admirably exposed and ridiculed. Could an Irishman +confer a more appropriate appellation upon a white powder than that of +_beautiful black_? + +It is really provoking to perceive, that as our knowledge of science +or literature extends, we are in more danger of finding, in our own and +foreign languages, parallels and precedents for Irish blunders; so +that a very well informed man can scarcely with any grace or conscience +smile, where a booby squire might enjoy a long and loud horse-laugh of +contempt. + +What crowds were collected to see the Irish bottle conjuror[39] get into +a quart bottle; but Dr. Desaguliers had prepared the English to think +such a condensation of animal particles not impossible. He says, vol. i. +p. 5, of his Lectures on Natural Philosophy, "that the nature of things +should last, and their natural course continue the same; all the +changes made in bodies must arise only from the various separations, new +conjunctions, and motions, of these original particles. _These must be +imagined of an unconceivable smallness_, but by the union of them there +are made bigger lumps," &c. + +Indeed things are now come to such a lamentable pass, that without +either literary or scientific acquirements, mere local knowledge, such +as can be obtained from a finger-post, may sometimes prevent us from the +full enjoyment of the Boeotian absurdity of our neighbours. What can, +at first view, appear a grosser blunder than that of the Irishman who +begged a friend to look over his library, to find for him the history +of the world before the creation? Yet this anachronism of ideas is not +unparalleled; it is matched, though on a more contracted scale, by an +inscription on a British finger-post-- + + "Had you seen these roads before they were made, + You'd lift up your eyes, and bless Marshal Wade!" + +There is, however, a rabbi, mentioned by Bayle, who far exceeds both +the Irishman and the finger-post. He asserts, that Providence questioned +Adam concerning the creation before he was born; and that Adam knew more +of the matter than the angels who had laughed at him. + +Those who see things in a philosophical light must have observed +more frequently than others, that there is in this world a continual +recurrence or rotation of ideas, events, and blunders. With his utmost +ingenuity, or his utmost absurdity, a man, in modern days, cannot +contrive to produce a system for which there is no prototype in +antiquity, or to commit a blunder for which there is no precedent. For +example: during the late rebellion in Ireland, at the military execution +of some wretched rebel, the cord broke, and the criminal, who had been +only half hanged, fell to the ground. The Major, who was superintending +the execution, exclaimed, "You rascal, if you do that again, I'll kill +you, as sure as you breathe." + +Now this is by no means an original idea. In an old French book, called +"La Charlatanerie des Savans," is the following note:--"D'autres ont +proposé et résolu en même tems des questions ridicules; par exemple +celle-ci: Devroit-on faire souffrir une seconde fois le même genre +de mort à un criminel, qui après avoir eu la tête coupée viendroit à +résusciter?"--_Finkelth_, Praef. ad Observationes Pract. num. 12. + +The passionate major, instead of being a mere Irish _blunderer_, was, +without knowing it, a learned casuist; for he was capable of deciding, +in one word, a question, which, it seems, had puzzled the understandings +of the ablest lawyers of France, or which had appalled their +conscientious sensibility. + +Alas! there is nothing new under the sun. + + "Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise." + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +"THOUGHTS THAT BREATHE, AND WORDS THAT BURN." + + +We lamented, in our last chapter, that there is nothing new under the +sun; yet, perhaps, the thoughts and phraseology of the following story +may not be familiar to the English. + +"Plase your honour," says a man, whose head is bound up with a garter, +in token and commemoration of his having been at a fair the preceding +night--"Plase your honour, it's what I am striving since six o'clock and +before, this morning, becààse I'd sooner trouble your honour's honour +than any man in all Ireland, on account of your character, and having +lived under your family, me and mine, twinty years, aye, say forty again +to the back o' that, in the old gentleman's time, as I well remember +before I was born; that same time I heard tell of your own honour's +riding a little horse in green with your gun before you, a grousing over +our town-lands, which was the mill and abbey of Ballynagobogg, though +'tis now set away from me (owing to them that belied my father) to +Christy Salmon, becààse he's an Orangeman--or his wife--though he was +once (let him deny it who can), to _my certain knowledge_, behind the +haystack in Tullygore, _sworn_ in a United man by Captain Alick, who +was hanged----Pace to the dead any how!------Well, not to be talking too +much of that now, only for this Christy Salmon, I should be still living +under your honour." + +"Very likely; but what has all this to do with the present business? If +you have any complaint to make against Christy Salmon, make it--if not, +let me go to dinner." + +"Oh, it would be too bad to be keeping your honour from your dinner, but +I'll make your honour sinsible immadiately. It is not of Christy Salmon +at-all-at-all I'm talking. May be your honour is not sinsible yet who I +am--I am Paddy M'Doole, of the Curragh, and I've been a flax-dresser and +dealer since I parted your honour's land, and was last night at the fair +of Clonaghkilty, where I went just in a quiet way thinking of nothing at +all, as any man might, and had my little yarn along with me, my wife's +and the girl's year's spinning, and all just hoping to bring them back +a few honest shillings as they desarved--none better!--Well, plase your +honour, my beast lost a shoe, which brought me late to the fair, but not +so late but what it was as throng as ever; you could have walked over +the heads of the men, women, and childer, a foot and a horseback, all +buying and selling; so I to be sure thought no harm of doing the like; +so I makes the best bargain I could of the little hanks for my wife +and the girl, and the man I sold them to was just weighing them at the +crane, and I standing forenent him--'Success to myself!'said I, looking +at the shillings I was putting into my waistcoat pocket for my poor +family, when up comes the inspector, whom I did not know, I'll take my +oath, from Adam, nor couldn't know, becááse he was the deputy inspector, +and had been but just made, of which I was ignorant, by this book and +all the books that ever were shut and opened--but no matter for that; he +seizes my hanks out of the scales that I had just sold, saying they were +unlawful and forfeit, becááse by his watch it was past four o'clock, +which I denied to be possible, plase your honour, becááse not one, nor +two, nor three, but all the town and country were selling the same as +myself in broad day, only when the deputy came up they stopped, which I +could not, by rason I did not know him.--'Sir,' says I (very civil), 'if +I had known you, it would have been another case, but any how I hope +no jantleman will be making it a crime to a poor man to sell his little +matter of yarn for his wife and childer after four o'clock, when he did +not know it was contrary to law at-all-at-all.' + +"'I gave you notice that it was contrary to law at the fair of +Edgerstown,' said he.--'I axe your pardon, sir,' said I, 'it was my +brother, for I was by.' With that he calls me liar, and what not, +and takes a grip[40] of me, and I a grip of my flax, and he had a +shilala[41] and I had none; so he gave it me over the head, I crying +'murder! murder!' and clinging to the scales to save me, and they set +a swinging and I with them, plase your honour, till the bame comes down +a'top o' the back o' my head, and _kilt_ me, as your honour sees." + +"I see that you are alive still, I think." + +"It's not his fault if I am, plase your honour, for he left me for +dead, and I am as good as dead still: if it be plasing to your honour to +examine my head, you'll be sinsible I'm telling nothing but the truth. +Your honour never _seen_ a man kilt as I was and am--all which I'm ready +(when convanient) to swear before your honour." [42] + +The reiterated assurances which this hero gives us of his being killed, +and the composure with which he offers to swear to his own assassination +and decease, appear rather surprising and ludicrous to those who are not +aware that _kilt_ is here used in a metaphorical sense, and that it has +not the full force of our word killed. But we have been informed by +a lady of unquestionable veracity, that she very lately received a +petition worded in this manner-- + + "To the Right Hon. Lady E---- P----. + "Humbly showeth; + "That your poor petitioner is now lying dead in a ditch," &c. + +This poor Irish petitioner's expression, however preposterous it sounds, +might perhaps be justified, if we were inclined to justify an Irishman +by the example, not only of poets comic and tragic, but of prose writers +of various nations. The evidence in favour both of the fact and the +belief, that people can speak and walk after they are dead, is attested +by stout warriors and grave historians. Let us listen to the solemn +voice of a princess, who comes sweeping in the sceptred pall of gorgeous +tragedy, to inform us that half herself has buried the other half. + + "Weep, eyes; melt into tears these cheeks to lave: + One half myself lays t'other in the grave." [43] + +For six such lines as these Corneille received six thousand livres, and +the admiration of the French court and people during the Augustan age of +French literature. But an Italian is not content with killing by halves. +Here is a man from Italy who goes on fighting, not like Witherington, +upon his stumps, but fairly after he is dead. + + "Nor yet perceived the vital spirit fled, + But still fought on, nor knew that he was dead." [44] + +Common sense is somewhat shocked at this single instance of an +individual fighting after he is dead; but we shall, doubtless, be +reconciled to the idea by the example of a gallant and modern commander, +who has declared his opinion, that nothing is more feasible than for a +garrison to fight, or at least to surrender, after they are dead, nay, +after they are buried.--Witness this public document. + + "Liberty and Equality. + "May 29th, | Garrison of Ostend. + 30th Floréal, 6 | + + "Muscar, commandant of Ostend, to the commandant in + chief of his British majesty. + + "General, + + "The council of war was sitting when I received the honour + of your letters. We have unanimously resolved not to surrender + the place until we shall have been buried in its ruins," &c. + +One step further in hyperbole is reserved for him, who, being buried, +carries about his own sepulchre. + + "To live a life half dead, a living death, + And buried; but oh, yet more miserable! + Myself my sepulchre, a moving grave!" + +No person, if he heard this passage for the first time from the lips +of an Irishman, could hesitate to call it a series of bulls; yet these +lines are part of the beautiful complaint of Samson Agonistes on his +blindness. Such are the hyperboles sanctioned by the genius, or, what +with some judges may have more influence, the name of Milton. The bounds +which separate sublimity from bombast, and absurdity from wit, are as +fugitive as the boundaries of taste. Only those who are accustomed +to examine and appraise literary goods are sensible of the prodigious +change that can be made in their apparent value by a slight change in +the manufacture. The absurdity of a man's swearing he was killed, or +declaring that he is now dead in a ditch, is revolting to common sense; +yet the _living death_ of Dapperwit, in the "Rape of the Lock," is not +absurd, but witty; and representing men as dying many times before their +death is in Shakspeare sublime: + +"Cowards die many times before their death; The brave can never taste of +death but once." + +The most direct contradictions in words do not (_in English writers_) +destroy the eflect of irony, wit, pathos, or sublimity. + +In the classic ode on Eton College, the poet exclaims-- + + "To each their sufferings, all are men + Condemned alike to groan; + The feeling for another's pain, + Th' _unfeeling_ for their own." + +Who but a half-witted dunce would ask how those that are unfeeling can +have sufferings? When Milton in melodious verse inquires, + + "Who shall tempt with _wandering feet_ + The dark _unbottom'd_ infinite abyss, + And through the _palpable obscure_ find out + His uncouth way!"-- + +what Zoilus shall dare interrupt this flow of poetry to object to the +palpable obscure, or to ask how feet can wander upon that which has no +bottom? + +It is easy, as Tully has long ago observed, to fix the brand of ridicule +upon the _verbum ardens_ of orators and poets--the "Thoughts that +breathe, and words that burn." + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +PRACTICAL BULLS. + +As we have not hitherto been successful in finding original Irish bulls +in language, we must now look for them in conduct. A person may be +guilty of a solecism without uttering a single syllable--"That man has +been guilty of a solecism with his hand," an ancient critic said of an +actor, who had pointed his hand upwards when invoking the infernal gods. +"You may act a lie as well as speak one," says Wollaston. Upon the same, +principle, the Irish may be said to act, as well as to utter bulls. We +shall give some instances of their practical bulls, which we hope +to find unmatched by the blunders of all other nations. Most people, +whether they be savage or civilized, can contrive to revenge themselves +upon their enemies without blundering; but the Irish are exceptions. +They cannot even do this without _a bull_. During the late Irish +rebellion, there was a banker to whom they had a peculiar dislike, and +on whom they had vowed vengeance: accordingly they got possession of as +many of his bank-notes as they could, and made a bonfire of them! This +might have been called a feu de joie, perhaps, but certainly not un +feu d'artifice; for nothing could show less art than burning a banker's +notes in order to destroy his credit. How much better do the English +understand the arts of vengeance! Captain Drinkwater[45] informs us, +that during the siege of Gibraltar, the English, being half famished, +were most violently enraged against the Jews, who withheld their stores +of provision, and made money of the public distress--a crime _never +committed except by Jews:_ at length the fleet relieved the besieged, +and as soon as the provisions were given out, the English soldiers and +sailors, to revenge themselves upon the Jews, burst open their stores, +and actually roasted a pig at a fire made of cinnamon. There are other +persons, as well as the Irish, who do not always understand their own +interests where their passions are concerned. That great warrior, Hyder +Ali, once lost a battle by a practical bull. Being encamped within sight +of the British, he resolved to give them a high idea of his forces +and of his artillery; for this purpose, before the engagement,[46] he +ordered his army to march early, and conveying some large pieces of +cannon to the top of a hill, he caused them to be pointed at the English +camp, which they reached admirably well, and occasioned a kind of +disorder and haste in striking and removing tents, &c. Hyder, delighted +at having thus insulted the English, caused all his artillery, even the +very smallest pieces, to be drawn up the hill for the purpose of making +a vain parade, though the greater part of the balls could never reach +the English: he imagined he should give the enemy a high idea of his +forces, and intimidate them by showing all his artillery, and the +vivacity with which it was worked; and in order that his intention might +be answered, he encouraged the soldiers himself, by giving money to the +cannoneers of those pieces that appeared to be the best served. + +The English presently, after this farce was over, obliged Hyder to come +down from labour-in-vain hill and to give them battle in earnest. As the +historian observes, "The ridiculous cannonade at the top of the hill +had exhausted his ammunition, his great guns were useless to him, and +he lost the day by his premature rejoicings before the battle." A +still more ancient precedent for this preposterous practical bull, of +rejoicing for an anticipated victory, was given by Xerxes, we believe, +who brought with him an immense block of marble, on which he intended to +inscribe the date and manner of his victory over the Greeks. When Xerxes +was defeated, the Greeks dedicated this stone to Nemesis, the goddess of +vengeance. But Xerxes was in the habit of making practical bulls, such +as whipping the sea, and begging pardon for it afterwards; throwing +fetters into the Hellespont as a token of subjugation, and afterwards +expiating his offence by an offering of a golden cup and Persian +scimetar. + +To such blunders can the passions betray the most renowned heroes, +although they had not the misfortune to have been born in Ireland. + +The impatience which induced Hyder Ali to anticipate victory is not +confined to military men and warlike operations; if we descend to common +life and vulgar business, we shall find the same disposition even in the +precincts of Change-alley: those who bargained for South Sea stock, that +was not actually forthcoming, were called _bears_, in allusion to the +practice of the hunters of bears in Canada, who were accustomed to +bargain for the skin of the bear before it was caught; but whence the +correlative term _bull_ is derived we are at a loss to determine, and we +must also leave it to the mercantile speculators of England to explain +why gentlemen call themselves bulls of wheat and bulls of coals: all we +can say is, that these are not Irish bulls. There is one distinguished +peculiarity of the Irish bull--_its horns are tipped with brass_.[47] +It is generally supposed that persons who have been dipped in the +Shannon[48] are ever afterwards endowed with a supernatural portion +of what is called, by enemies, impudence or assurance, by friends, +self-possession or _civil courage_. These invulnerable mortals are never +oppressed with _mauvaise honte_, that malady which keeps the faculties +of the soul under imaginary imprisonment. A well-dipped Irishman, on the +contrary, can move, speak, think, like Demosthenes, with as much ease, +when the eyes of numbers are upon him, as if the spectators were so many +cabbage-stalks. This virtue of _civil courage_ is of inestimable value +in the opinion of the best judges. The great Lord Verulam--no one, +by-the-by, could be a better judge of its value than he, who wanted it +so much--the great Lord Verulam declares, that if he were asked what +is the first, second, and third thing necessary to success in public +business, he should answer boldness, boldness, boldness. Success to the +nation which possesses it in perfection! Bacon was too acute and candid +a philosopher not to acknowledge, that like all the other goods of life +this same boldness has its countervailing disadvantages. + +"Certainly," says he, "to men of great judgment, bold persons are a +sport to behold; nay, and to the vulgar, boldness hath somewhat of the +ridiculous; for if absurdity be the subject of laughter, doubt you not +but great boldness is seldom without some absurdity; especially it is a +sport to see when a bold fellow is out of countenance, for that puts his +face into a most shrunken and wooden posture, as needs it must." + +The man, however, who possesses boldness in perfection, can never be put +out of countenance, and consequently can never exhibit, for the sport +of his enemies, a face in this wooden posture. It is the deficiency, +and not the excess of this quality, that is to be feared. Civil boldness +without military courage would, indeed, be somewhat ridiculous: but +we cannot accuse the Irish of any want of military courage; on the +contrary, it is supposed in England, that an Irishman is always ready +_to give any gentleman satisfaction_, even when none is desired. + +At the close of the American war, as a noble lord of high naval +character was returning home to his family after various escapes from +danger, he was detained a day at Holyhead by contrary winds. Reading in +a summer-house, he heard the well-known sound of bullets whistling near +him: he looked about, and found that two balls had just passed through +the door close beside him; he looked out of the window, and saw two +gentlemen who were just charging their pistols again, and, as he guessed +that they had been shooting at a mark upon the door, he rushed out, and +very civilly remonstrated with them on the imprudence of firing at the +door of a house without having previously examined whether any one was +withinside. One of them immediately answered, in a tone which proclaimed +at once his disposition and his country, "Sir, I did not know you +were within there, and I don't know who you are now; but if I've given +offence, I am willing," said he, holding out the ready-charged pistols, +"to give you the _satisfaction of a gentleman_--take your choice." + +With his usual presence of mind the noble lord seized hold of both the +pistols, and said to his astonished countryman, "Do me the justice, sir, +to go into that summer-house, shut the door, and let me have two shots +at you; then we shall be upon equal terms, and I shall be quite at your +service to give or receive the _satisfaction of a gentleman_." + +There was an air of drollery and of superiority in his manner which +at once struck and pleased the Hibernian. "Upon my conscience, sir, I +believe you are a very honest fellow," said he, looking him earnestly +in the face, "and I have a great mind to shake hands with you. Will you +only just tell me who you are?" + +The nobleman told his name--a name dear to every Briton and every +Irishman. + +"I beg your pardon, and that's what no man ever accused me of doing +before," cried the gallant Hibernian; "and had I known who you were, I +would as soon have _shot my own soul_ as have fired at the door. But how +could I tell who was withinside?" + +"That is the very thing of which I complain," said his lordship. + +His candid opponent admitted the justice of the complaint as soon as +he understood it, and he promised never more to be guilty of such a +practical bull. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + +THE DUBLIN SHOEBLACK. + +Upon looking over our last chapter on practical bulls, we were much +concerned to find that we have so few Irish and so many foreign +blunders. It is with still more regret we perceive, that notwithstanding +our utmost diligence, we have not yet been able to point out the +distinguishing characteristic of an Irish bull. But to compensate for +this disappointment we have devised a syllogism, which some people may +prefer to an à priori argument, to prove irrefragably, that the Irish +are blunderers. + +After the instances we have produced, chapter 6th, of the _verbum +ardens_ of English and foreign poets, and after the resemblance that we +have pointed out betwixt certain figures of rhetoric and the Irish bull, +we have little reason to fear that the candid and enlightened reader +should object to our major. + +_Major_.--Those who use figurative language are disposed to make bulls. + +_Minor_.--The Irish use figurative language. + +_Conclusion_.--Therefore the Irish are disposed to make bulls. + +We proceed to establish the truth of our minor, and the first evidence +we shall call is a Dublin shoeblack. He is not in circumstances +peculiarly favourable for the display of figurative language; he is in +a court of justice, upon his trial for life or death. A quarrel happened +between two shoeblacks, who were playing at what in England is called +pitch-farthing, or heads and tails, and in Ireland, head or harp. One of +the combatants threw a small paving stone at his opponent, who drew out +the knife with which he used to scrape shoes, and plunged it up to the +hilt in his companion's breast. It is necessary for our story to say, +that near the hilt of this knife was stamped the name of Lamprey, an +eminent cutler in Dublin. The shoeblack was brought to trial. With a +number of significant gestures, which on his audience had all the powers +that Demosthenes ascribes to action, he, in a language not purely Attic, +gave the following account of the affair to his judge. + +"Why, my l_a_rd, as I was going past the Royal Exchange I meets Billy. +'Billy,' says I, 'will you sky a copper?' 'Done,' says he; 'Done,' says +I; and done and done's enough between two jantlemen. With that I ranged +them fair and even with my hook-em-snivey--up they go. 'Music!' says +he--'Skulls!' says I; and down they come, three brown mazards. 'By the +holy! you flesh'd 'em,' says he. 'You lie,' says I. With that he ups +with a lump of a two year old, and lets drive at me. I outs with my +bread-earner, and gives it him up to Lamprey in the bread-basket." + +To make this intelligible to the English, some comments are necessary. +Let us follow the text, step by step, and it will afford our readers, as +Lord Kames says of Blair's Dissertation on Ossian, a delicious morsel of +criticism. + +_As I was going past the Royal Exchange I meets Billy._ + +In this apparently simple exordium, the scene and the meeting with Billy +are brought before the eye by the judicious use of the present tense. + +_Billy, says I, will you sky a copper?_ + +A copper! genus pro specie! the generic name of copper for the base +individual halfpenny. + +_Sky a copper._ + +_To sky_ is a new verb, which none but a master hand could have coined: +a more splendid metonymy could not be applied upon a more trivial +occasion; the lofty idea of raising a metal to the skies is substituted +for the mean thought of tossing up a halfpenny. Our orator compresses +his hyperbole into a single word. Thus the mind is prevented from +dwelling long enough upon the figure to perceive its enormity. This is +the perfection of the art. Let the genius of French exaggeration and of +eastern hyperbole hide their diminished heads--Virgil is scarcely more +sublime. + + "Ingrediturque solo, et caput inter nubila condit." + + "Her feet on earth, her head amidst the clouds." + +Up they go, continues our orator. + +_Music! says he--Skulls! says I._ + +Metaphor continually: on one side of an Irish halfpenny there is a harp; +this is expressed by the general term music, which is finely contrasted +with the word skull. + +_Down they come, three brown mazards._ + +Mazards! how the diction of our orator is enriched from the vocabulary +of Shakspeare! the word head, instead of being changed for a more +general term, is here brought distinctly to the eye by the term mazard, +or face, which is more appropriate to his majesty's profile than the +word skull or head. + +_By the holy! you flesh'd 'em, says he_. + +By the holy! is an oath in which more is meant than meets the ear; it +is an ellipsis--an abridgment of an oath. The full formula runs thus--By +the holy poker of hell! This instrument is of Irish invention or +imagination. It seems a useful piece of furniture in the place for which +it is intended, to stir the devouring flames, and thus to increase the +torments of the damned. Great judgment is necessary to direct an orator +how to suit his terms to his auditors, so as not to shock their feelings +either by what is too much above or too much below common life. In the +use of oaths, where the passions are warm, this must be particularly +attended to, else they lose their effect, and seem more the result of +the head than the heart. But to proceed:-- + +_By the holy! you flesh'd 'em_. + +_To flesh_ is another verb of Irish coinage; it means, in shoeblack +dialect, to touch a halfpenny, as it goes up into the air, with the +fleshy part of the thumb, so as to turn it which way you please, and +thus to cheat your opponent. What an intricate explanation saved by one +word! + +_You lie, says I_. + +Here no periphrasis would do the business. + +_With that he ups with a lump of a two year old, and lets drive at me_. + +_He ups with_.--A verb is here formed of two prepositions--a novelty in +grammar. Conjunctions, we all know, are corrupted Anglo-Saxon verbs; +but prepositions, according to Horne Tooke, derive only from Anglo-Saxon +nouns. + +All this time it is possible that the mere English reader may not be +able to guess what it is that our orator ups with or takes up. He should +be apprised, that a lump of a two year old is a middle-sized stone. This +is a metaphor, borrowed partly from the grazier's vocabulary, and +partly from the arithmetician's vade-mecum. A stone, to come under the +denomination of a lump of a two year old, must be to a less stone as a +two year old calf is to a yearling; or it must be to a larger stone than +itself, as a two year old calf is to an ox. Here the scholar sees that +there must be two statements, one in the rule of three direct and one in +the rule of three inverse, to obtain precisely the thing required; yet +the untutored Irishman, without suspecting the necessity of this operose +process, arrives at the solution of the problem by some short cut of his +own, as he clearly evinces by the propriety of his metaphor. To be sure, +there seems some incongruity in his throwing this lump of a two year old +calf at his adversary. No arm but that of Milo could be strong enough +for such a feat. Upon recollection, however, bold as this figure may +seem, there are precedents for its use. + +"We read in a certain author," says Beattie, "of a giant, who, in his +wrath, tore off the top of the promontory, and flung it at the enemy; +and so huge was the mass, that you might, says he, have seen goats +browsing on it as it flew through the air." Compared with this, our +orator's figure is cold and tame. + +"_I outs with my bread-earner_," continues he. + +We forbear to comment on _outs with_, because the intelligent critic +immediately perceives that it has the same sort of merit ascribed to +_ups with_. What our hero dignifies with the name of his bread-earner +is the knife with which, by scraping shoes, he earned his bread. Pope's +ingenious critic, Mr. Warton, bestows judicious praise upon the art with +which this poet, in the Rape of the Lock, has used many "periphrases and +uncommon expressions," to avoid mentioning the name of _scissars_, +which would sound too vulgar for epic dignity--fatal engine, forfex, +meeting-points, &c. Though the metonymy of _bread-earner_ for a +shoeblack's knife may not equal these in elegance, it perhaps surpasses +them in ingenuity. + +_I gives it him up to Lamprey in the bread-basket._[49] + +Homer is happy in his description of wounds, but this surpasses him in +the characteristic choice of circumstance. _Up to Lamprey_, gives us at +once a complete idea of the length, breadth, and thickness of the wound, +without the assistance of the coroner. It reminds us of a passage in +Virgil-- + + "Cervice orantis _capulo tenus_ abdidit ensem." + + "Up to the hilt his shining falchion sheathed." + +Let us now compare the Irish shoeblack's metaphorical language with +the sober _slang_ of an English blackguard, who, fortunately for +the fairness of the comparison, was placed somewhat in similar +circumstances. + +Lord Mansfield, examining a man who was a witness in the court of King's +Bench, asked him what he knew of the defendant. + +"Oh, my lord, I knew him. _I was up to him_." + +"Up to him!" says his lordship; "what do you mean by being up to him?" + +"Mean, my lord! why, _I was down upon him_." + +"Up to him, and down upon him!" says his lordship, turning to Counsellor +Dunning, "what does the fellow mean?" + +"Why, I mean, my lord, as deep as he thought himself, _I stagged him_." + +"I cannot conceive, friend," says his lordship, "what you mean by this +sort of language; I do not understand it." + +"Not understand it!" rejoined the fellow, with surprise: "_Lord, what a +flat you must be!_" + +Though he undervalued Lord Mansfield, this man does not seem to have +been a very bright genius. In his cant words, "_up to him, down upon +him, stagged him_," there are no metaphors; and we confess ourselves to +be as great _flats_ as his lordship, for we do not understand this sort +of language. + + "True no meaning puzzles more than wit," + +as we may see in another English example. Proverbs have been called +the wisdom of nations; therefore it is fair to have recourse to them +in estimating national abilities. Now there is an old English proverb, +"Tenterden steeple is the cause of Goodwin sands." + +"This proverb," says Mr. Ray, "is used when an absurd and ridiculous +reason is given of any thing in question; an account of the original +whereof, I find in one of Bishop Latimer's sermons in these words--'Mr. +Moore was once sent with commission into Kent to try out, if it might +be, what was the cause of Goodwin sands, and the shelf which stopped up +Sandwich haven. Thither cometh Mr. Moore, and calleth all the country +before him, such as were thought to be men of experience, and men that +could, of all likelihood, best satisfy him of the matter concerning the +stopping of Sandwich haven. Among the rest came in before him an old +man with a white head, and one that was thought to be little less than +a hundred years old. When Mr. Moore saw this aged man, he thought it +expedient to hear him say his mind in this matter (for being so old a +man, it was likely that he knew the most in that presence or company); +so Mr. Moore called this old aged man unto him and said, 'Father,' said +he, 'tell me, if you can, what is the cause of the great arising of the +sands and shelves here about this haven, which stop it up so that no +ships can arrive here. You are the oldest man I can espy in all the +company, so that if any man can tell any cause of it, you, of all +likelihood, can say most to it, or, at leastwise, more than any man here +assembled.' + +"'Yea, forsooth, good Mr. Moore,' quoth this old man, 'for I am well +nigh a hundred years old, and no man here in this company any thing near +my age.' + +"'Well then,'quoth Mr. Moore, 'how say you to this matter? What think +you to be the cause of these shelves and sands which stop up Sandwich +haven?' + +"'Forsooth, sir,' quoth he, 'I am an old man; I think that, Tenterden +steeple is the cause of Goodwin sands. For I am an old man, sir,' +quoth he, 'I may remember the building of Tenterden steeple, and I +may remember when there was no steeple at all there; and before that +Tenterden or _Totterden_ steeple was in building, there was no manner of +talking of any flats or sands that stopped up the haven, and therefore I +think that Tenterden steeple is the cause of the decay and destroying of +Sandwich haven.'" [50]--Thus far the bishop. + +The prolix pertinacity with which this _old aged_ man adheres to +the opinion that he had formed, without any intelligible reason, is +characteristic of an English peasant; but however absurd his mode of +judging may be, and however confused and incongruous his ideas, his +species of absurdity surely bears no resemblance to an Hibernian +blunder. We cannot even suspect it to be possible that a man of this +slow, circumspect character could be in any danger of making an Irish +bull; and we congratulate the English peasantry and populace, as a body, +upon their possessing that temper which + + "Wisely rests content with sober sense, + Nor makes to dangerous wit a vain pretence." + +Even the _slang_ of English pickpockets and coiners is, as we may see +in Colquhoun's View of the Metropolis, free from all seducing mixture +of wit and humour. What Englishman would ever have thought of calling +persons in the pillory _the babes in the wood_? This is a common cant +phrase amongst Dublin reprobates. Undoubtedly such phrases tend to +lessen the power of shame and the effect of punishment, and a witty +rogue will lead numbers to the gallows. English morality is not in so +much danger as Irish manners must be from these humourous talents +in their knights of industry. If, nevertheless, there be frequent +executions for capital crimes in England, we must account for this in +the words of the old Lord Chief Justice Fortescue--"More men," says his +lordship, "are hanged in _Englonde_ in one year than _in Fraunce_ in +seven, _because the English have better hartes_; the _Scotchmenne_ +likewise never _dare rob_, but only commit larcenies." At all events, +the phlegmatic temper of _Englonde_ secures her from making bulls. +The propensity to this species of blunder exists in minds of a totally +different cast; in those who are quick and enthusiastic, who are +confounded by the rapidity and force with which undisciplined multitudes +of ideas crowd for utterance. Persons of such intellectual characters +are apt to make elisions in speaking, which they trust the capacities +of their audience will supply: passing rapidly over a long chain of +thought, they sometimes forget the intermediate links, and no one but +those of equally rapid habits can follow them successfully. + +We hope that the evidence of the Dublin shoeblack has, in some degree, +tended to prove our _minor_, that the Irish are disposed to use +figurative language: we shall not, however, rest our cause on a single +evidence, however respectable; but before we summon our other witnesses, +we beg to relieve the reader's attention, which must have been fatigued +by such a chapter of criticism. They shall now have the tale of a +mendicant. A specimen of city rhetoric is given in the shoeblack; the +country mendicant's eloquence is of a totally different species. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +THE HIBERNIAN MENDICANT. + +Perhaps the reader may wish to see as well as hear the petitioner. At +first view you might have taken him for a Spaniard. He was tall; and if +he had been a gentleman, you would have said that there was an air of +dignity in his figure. He seemed very old, yet he appeared more worn by +sorrow than by time. Leaning upon a thick oaken stick as he took off his +hat to ask for alms, his white hair was blown by the wind. + +"Health and long life to you!" said he. "Give an old man something to +help to bury him. He is past his labour, and cannot trouble this world +long any way." + +He held his hat towards us, with nothing importunate in his manner, but +rather with a look of confidence in us, mixed with habitual resignation. +His thanks were: "Heaven bless you!--Long life and success to you! to +you and yours! and may you never want a friend, as I do." + +The last words were spoken low. He laid his hand upon his heart as he +bowed to us, and walked slowly away. We called him back; and upon our +questioning him farther, he gave the following account of himself:-- + +"I was bred and born--but no matter where such a one as I was bred and +born, no more than where I may die and be buried. _I_, that have neither +son, nor daughter, nor kin, nor friend on the wide earth, to mourn over +my grave when I am laid in it, as I soon must. Well! when it pleases God +to take me, I shall never be missed out of this world, so much as by a +dog: and why should I?--having never in my time done good to any--but +evil--which I have lived to repent me of, many's the long day and night, +and ever shall whilst I have sense and reason left. In my youthful days +God was too good to me: I had friends, and a little home of my own to +go to--a pretty spot of land for a farm, as you could see, with a snug +cabin, and every thing complete, and all to be mine; for I was the only +one my father and mother had, and accordingly was made much of, too +much; for I grew headstrong upon it, and high, and thought nothing of +any man, and little of any woman, but one. That one I surely did think +of; and well worth thinking of she was. Beauty, they say, is all fancy; +but she was a girl every man might fancy. Never was one more sought +after. She was then just in her prime, and full of life and spirits; but +nothing light in her behaviour--quite modest--yet obliging. She was too +good for me to be thinking of, no doubt; but 'faint heart never won fair +lady,' so I made bold to speak to Rose, for that was her name, and after +a world of pains, I began to gain upon her good liking, but couldn't get +her to say more than that she never _seen_ the man she should fancy so +well. This was a great deal from her, for she was coy and proud-like, as +she had a good right to be; and, besides being young, loved her little +innocent pleasure, and could not easy be brought to give up her sway. No +fault of hers: but all very natural. Well! I always considered she never +would have held out so long, nor have been so stiff with me, had it not +been for an old aunt Honour of hers--God rest her soul! One should not +be talking ill of the dead; but she was more out of my way than enough; +yet the cratur had no malice in her against me, only meaning her child's +good, as she called it, but mistook it, and thought to make Rose happy +by some greater match than me, counting her fondness for me, which she +could not but see something of, childishness, that she would soon be +broke of. Now there was a party of English soldiers quartered in our +town, and there was a sergeant amongst them that had money, and a pretty +place, as they said, in his own country. He courted Rose, and the aunt +favoured him. He and I could never relish one another at all. He was a +handsome portly man, but very proud, and looked upon me as dirt under +his feet, because I was an Irishman; and at every word would say, +'_That's an Irish, bull!_' or _'Do you hear Paddy's brogue?'_ at which +his fellow-soldiers, being all English, would look greatly delighted. +Now all this I could have taken in good part from any but him, for I was +not an ill-humoured fellow; but there was a spite in him I plainly saw +against me, and I could not, nor would not take a word from him against +me or my country, especially when Rose was by, who did not like me the +worse for having a proper spirit. She little thought what would come +of it. Whilst all this was going on, her aunt Honour found to object +against me, that I was wild, and given to drink; both which charges +were false and malicious, and I knew could come from none other than the +sergeant, which enraged me the more against him for speaking _so mean_ +behind my back. Now I knew, that though the sergeant did not drink +spirits, he drank plenty of beer. Rose took it, however, to heart, and +talked very serious upon it, observing she could never think to marry +a man given to drink, and that the sergeant was remarkably sober and +staid, therefore most like, as her aunt Honour said, to make a good +husband. The words went straight to my heart, along with Rose's look. +I said not a word, but went out, resolving, before I slept, to take an +oath against spirits, of all sorts, for Rose's sweet sake. That evening +I fell in with some boys of the neighbours, who would have had me along +with them, but I _denied myself_ and them; and all I would taste was +one parting glass, and then made my vow in the presence of the priest, +forswearing spirits for two years. Then I went straight to her house to +tell her what I had done, not being sensible that I was that same time +a little elevated with the parting glass I had taken. The first thing I +noticed on going into the room was the man I least wished to see there, +and least looked for at this minute: he was in high talk with the aunt, +and Rose sitting on the other side of him, no way strange towards him, +as I fancied; but that was only fancy, and effect of the liquor I +had drunk, which made me see things wrong. I went up, and put my head +between them, asking Rose, did she know what I had been about? + +"'Yes; too well!' said she, drawing back from my breath. And the aunt +looked at her, and she at the aunt, and the sergeant stopped his nose, +saying he had not been long enough in Ireland to love the smell of +whiskey. I observed, that was an uncivil remark in the present company, +and added, that I had not taken a drop that night, but one glass. At +which he sneered, and said that was a bull and a blunder, but no wonder, +as I was an Irishman. I replied in defence of myself and country. We +went on from one smart word to another; and some of his soldiermen being +of the company, he had the laugh against me still. I was vexed to see +Rose bear so well what I could not bear myself. And the talk grew higher +and higher; and from talking of blunders and such trifles, we got, I +cannot myself tell you how, on to great party matters, and politics, and +religion. And I was a catholic, and he a protestant; and there he had +the thing still against me. The company seeing matters not agreeable, +dropped off till none were left but the sergeant, and the aunt, and +Rose, and myself. The aunt gave me a hint to part, but I would not take +it; for I could not bear to go away worsted, and borne down as it were +by the English faction, and Rose by to judge. The aunt was called out by +one who wanted her to go to a funeral next day: the Englishman then let +fall something about our Irish howl, and savages, which Rose herself +said was uncivil, she being an Irish woman, which he, thinking only of +making game on me, had forgot. I knocked him down, telling him that it +was he that was the savage to affront a lady. As he got up he said that +he'd have the law of me, if any law was to be had in Ireland. + +"'The law!' said I, 'and you a soldier!' + +"'Do you mean to call me coward?' said he. 'This is what an English +soldier must not bear.' With that he snatches at his arms that were +beside him, asking me again, did I mean to call an Englishman coward? + +"'Tell me first,' said I, 'did you mean to call us Irish savages?' + +"'That's no answer to _my_ question,' says he, 'or only an Irish +answer.' + +"'It is not the worse for that, may be," says I, very coolly, despising +the man now, and just took up a knife, that was on the table, to cut off +a button that was hanging at my knee. As I was opening of the knife he +asks me, was I going to stab at him with my Irish knife, and directly +fixes a bayonet at me; on which I seizes a musket and bayonet one of +his men had left, telling him I knew the use of it as well as he or any +Englishman, and better; for that I should never have gone, as he did, to +charge it against an unarmed man. + +"'You had your knife,' said he, drawing back. + +"' If I had, it was not thinking of you,' said I, throwing the knife +away. 'See! I'm armed like yourself now: fight me like a man and a +soldier, if you dare," says I. + +"'Fight me, if you dare,' says he. + +"Rose calls to me to stop; but we were both out of ourselves at the +minute. We thrust at each other--he missed me--I hit him. Rose ran in +between us to get the musket from my hand: it was loaded, and went off +in the struggle, and the ball lodged in her body. She fell! and what +happened next I cannot tell, for the sight left my eyes, and all sense +forsook me. When I came to myself the house was full of people, going +to and fro, some whispering, some crying; and till the words reached my +ears, 'Is she quite dead?' I could not understand where I was, or what +had happened. I wished to forget again, but could not. The whole truth +came upon me, and yet I could not shed a tear; but just pushed my way +through the crowd into the inner room, and up to the side of the bed. +There she lay stretched, almost a corpse--quite still! Her sweet eyes +closed, and no colour in her cheeks, that had been so rosy! I took hold +of one of her hands, that hung down, and she then opens her eyes, and +knew me directly, and smiles upon me, and says, 'It was no fault of +yours: take notice, all of you, it was no fault of his if I die; but +_that_ I won't do for his sake, if I can help it!'--that was the word +she spoke. I thinking, from her speaking so strong, that she was not +badly hurt, knelt down to whisper her, that if my breath did smell of +spirits, it was the parting glass I had tasted before making the vow I +had done against drink for her sake; and that there was nothing I would +not do for her, if it would please God to spare her to me. She just +pressed my hand, to show me she was sensible. The priest came in, and +they forced our hands asunder, and carried me away out of the room. +Presently there was a great cry, and I knew all was over." + +Here the old man's voice failed, and he turned his face from us. When he +had somewhat recovered himself, to change the course of his thoughts, +we asked whether he were prosecuted for his assault on the English +sergeant, and what became of him? + +"Oh! to do him justice, as one should do to every one," said the old +man, "he behaved very handsome to me when I was brought to trial; and +told the whole truth, only blamed himself more than I would have done, +and said it was all his fault for laughing at me and my nation more +than a man could bear, situated as I was. They acquitted me through his +means. We shook hands, and he hoped all would go right with me, he said; +but nothing ever went right with me after. I took little note ever after +of worldly matters: all belonging to me went to rack and ruin. The hand +of God was upon me: I could not help myself, nor settle mind or body to +any thing. I heard them say sometimes I was a little touched in my head: +however that might be I cannot say. But at the last I found it was as +good for me to give all that was left to my friends, who were better +able to manage, and more eager for it than I; and fancying a roving life +would agree with me best, I quitted the place, taking nothing with me, +but resolved to walk the world, and just trust to the charity of good +Christians, or die, as it should please God. How I have lived so long He +only knows, and his will be done." + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +IRISH WIT AND ELOQUENCE. + +"Wild wit, invention ever new," appear in high perfection amongst even +the youngest inhabitants of an Irish cottage. The word _wit_, amongst +the lower classes of Ireland, means not only quickness of repartee, but +cleverness in action; it implies invention and address, with no slight +mixture of cunning; all which is expressed in their dialect by the +single word _'cuteness_ (acuteness). Examples will give a better notion +of this than can be conveyed by any definition. + +An Irish boy (a 'cute lad) saw a train of his companions leading their +cars, loaded with kishes[51] of turf, coming towards his father's +cabin; his father had no turf, and the question was how some should be +obtained. To beg he was ashamed; to dig he was unwilling--but his head +went to work directly. He took up a turf which had fallen from one of +the cars the preceding day, and stuck it on the top of a pole near the +cabin. When the cars were passing, he appeared throwing turf at the +mark. "Boys!" cried he, "which of ye will hit?" Each leader of the car, +as he passed, could not forbear to fling a turf at the mark; the turf +fell at the foot of the pole, and when all the cars had passed, there +was a heap left sufficient to reward the ingenuity of our little +Spartan. + +The same 'cuteness which appears in youth continues and improves in old +age. When General V---- was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and +his lady were regularly besieged, whenever they got into their carriage, +by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them +daily with fresh importunities and fresh tales of distress. At last the +lady's charity, and the general's patience, were nearly exhausted, but +their petitioner's wit was still in its pristine vigour. One morning, +at the accustomed hour, when the lady was getting into her carriage, the +old woman began--"Agh! my lady; success to your ladyship, and success +to your honour's honour, this morning, of all days in the year; for sure +didn't I dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and +that your honour gave me a pound of tobacco?" + +"But, my good woman," said the general, "do not you know that dreams +always go by the rule of contrary?" + +"Do they so, plase your honour?" rejoined the old woman. "Then it must +be your honour that will give me the tea, and her ladyship that will +give me the tobacco?" + +The general being of Sterne's opinion, that a bon-mot is always worth +more than a pinch of snuff, gave the ingenious dreamer the value of her +dream. + +Innumerable instances might be quoted of the Hibernian genius, not +merely for repartee, but for what the Italians call pasquinade. We shall +cite only one, which is already so well known in Ireland, that we cannot +be found guilty of _publishing_ a libel. Over the ostentatious front of +a nobleman's house in Dublin, the owner had this motto cut in stone:-- + + "Otium cum dignitate.--Leisure with dignity." + +In process of time his lordship changed his residence; or, since we must +descend to plebeian language, was committed to Newgate, and immediately +there appeared over the front of his apartment his chosen motto, as +large as the life, in white chalk, + + "Otium cum dignitate." + +Mixed with keen satire, the Irish often show a sort of cool good +sense and dry humour, which gives not only effect, but value to their +impromptus. Of this class is the observation made by the Irish hackney +coachman, upon seeing a man of the ton driving four-in-hand down +Bond-street. + +"That fellow," said our observer, "looks like a coachman, but drives +like a gentleman." + +As an instance of humour mixed with sophistry, we beg the reader to +recollect the popular story of the Irishman who was run over by a troop +of horse, and miraculously escaped unhurt. + +"Down upon your knees and thank God, you reprobate," said one of the +spectators. + +"Thank God! for what? Is it for letting a troop of horse run over me?" + +In this speech there is the same sort of humour and sophistry that +appears in the Irishman's celebrated question: "What has posterity done +for me, that I should do so much for posterity?" + +The Irish nation, from the highest to the lowest, in daily conversation +about the ordinary affairs of life, employ a superfluity of wit and +metaphor which would be astonishing and unintelligible to a majority +of the respectable body of English yeomen. Even the cutters of turf and +drawers of whiskey are orators; even the _cottiers_ and _gossoons_ speak +in trope and figure. Ask an Irish gossoon to go early in the morning, on +an errand, and he answers, + +"I'll be off at the flight of night." + +If an Irish cottager would express to his landlord that he wishes for a +long lease of his land, he says,-- + +"I would be proud to live on your honour's land as long as grass grows +or water runs." + +One of our English poets has nearly the same idea:-- + + "As long as streams in silver mazes run, + Or spring with annual green renews the grove." + +Without the advantages of a classical education, the lower Irish +sometimes make similes that bear a near resemblance to those of the +admired poets of antiquity. A loyalist, during the late rebellion, was +describing to us the number of the rebels who had gathered on one spot, +and were dispersed by the king's army; rallied, and were again put to +flight. + +"They were," said he, "like swarms of flies on a summer's day, that you +brush away with your hand, and still they will be returning." + +There is a simile of Homer's which, literally translated, runs thus: "As +the numerous troops of flies about a shepherd's cottage in the spring, +when the milk moistens the pails, such numbers of Greeks stood in the +field against the Trojans." Lord Kames observes, that it is false taste +to condemn such comparisons for the lowness of the images introduced. In +fact, great objects cannot be degraded by comparison with small ones in +these similes, because the only point of resemblance is number; the mind +instantly perceives this, and therefore requires no other species of +similitude. + +When we attempt to judge of the genius of the lower classes of the +people, we must take care that we are not under the influence of any +prejudice of an aristocratic or literary nature. But this is no easy +effort of liberty. + +"_Agk! Dublin, sweet Jasus be wid you!_" exclaimed a poor Irishman, as +he stood on the deck of a vessel, which was carrying him out of the +bay of Dublin. The pathos of this poor fellow will not probably affect +delicate sensibility, because he says _wid_ instead of _with_, and +_Jasus_ instead of _Jesus_. Adam Smith is certainly right in his theory, +that the sufferings of those in exalted stations have generally most +power to command our sympathy. The very same sentiment of sorrow at +leaving his country, which was expressed so awkwardly by the poor +Irishman, appears, to every reader of taste, exquisitely pathetic from +the lips of Mary queen of Scots. + +"Farewell, France! Farewell, beloved country! which I shall never more +behold!" [52] + +In anger as well as in sorrow the Irishman is eloquent. A gentleman who +was lately riding through the county of ----, in Ireland, to canvass, +called to ask a vote from a poor man, who was planting willows in a +little garden by the road side. + +"You have a vote, my good sir, I am told," said the candidate, in an +insinuating tone. + +The poor man stuck the willow which he had in his hand into the ground, +and with a deliberate pace came towards the candidate to parley with +him. + +"Please your honour," said he, gravely, "I have a vote, and I have not a +vote." + +"How can that be?" + +"I will tell you, sir," said he, leaning, or rather lying down slowly +upon the back of the ditch facing the road, so that the gentleman, who +was on horseback, could see only his head and arms. + +"Sir," said he, "out of this little garden, with my five acres of land +and my own labour, I once had a freehold; but I have been robbed of my +freehold: and who do you think has robbed me? why, that man!" pointing +to his landlord's steward, who stood beside the candidate. "With my own +hands I sowed my own ground with oats, and a fine crop I expected--but I +never reaped that crop: not a bushel, no, nor half a bushel, did I ever +see; for into my little place comes this man, with I don't know how many +more, with their shovels and their barrows, and their horses and their +cars, and to work they fell, and they ran a road straight through the +best part of my land, turning all to heaps of rubbish, and a bad road +it was, and a bad time of year to make it! But where was _I_ when he +did this? not where I am now," said the orator, raising himself up and +standing firm; "not as you see me now, but lying on my back in my bed +in a fever. When I got up I was not able to make my rent out of my land. +Besides myself, I had my five children to support. I sold my clothes, +and have never been able to buy any since but such as a recruit could +sell, who was in haste to get into regimentals--such clothes as these," +said he, looking down at his black rags. "Soon I had nothing to eat: +but that's not all. I am a weaver, sir: for my rent they seized my two +looms; then I had nothing to do. But of all this I do not complain. +There was an election some time ago in this county, and a man rode up to +me in this garden as you do now, and asked me for my vote, but I refused +him, for I was steady to my landlord. The gentleman observed I was a +poor man, and asked if I wanted for nothing? but all did not signify; +so he rode on gently, and at the corner of the road, within view of my +garden, I saw him drop a purse, and I knew, by his looking at me, it was +on purpose for me to pick it up. After a while he came back, thinking, +to be sure, I had taken up the purse, and had changed my mind, but he +found his purse where he left it. My landlord knew all this, and +he promised to see justice done me, but he forgot. Then, as for the +candidate's lady, before the election nothing was too fair-speaking for +me; but afterward, in my distress, when I applied to her to get me a +loom, which she could have had from _the Linen Board_ by only asking for +it, her answer to me was, 'I don't know that I shall ever want a vote +again in the county.' + +"Now, sir," continued he, "when justice is done to me (and no sooner), I +shall be glad to assist my landlord or his friend. I know who _you_ are, +sir, very well: you bear a good character: success to you! but I have no +vote to give to you or any man." + +"If I were to attempt to make you any amends for what you have +suffered," replied the candidate, "I should do you an injury; it would +be said that I had bribed you; but I will repeat your story where it +will meet with attention. I cannot, however, tell it so well as you have +told it." + +"No, sir," was his answer, "for you cannot feel it as I do." + +This is almost in terms the conclusion of Pope's epistle from Eloisa to +Abelard:-- + + "He best can paint them who shall feel them most." + +In objurgation and pathetic remonstrancing eloquence, the females of the +lower class in Ireland are not inferior to the men. A thin tall woman +wrapped in a long cloak, the hood of which was drawn over her head, and +shaded her pale face, came to a gentleman to complain of the cruelty of +her landlord. + +"He is the most hard-hearted man alive, so he is, sir," said she; "he +has just seized all I have, which, God knows, is little enough! and has +driven my cow to pound, the only cow I have, and only dependence I +have for a drop of milk to drink; and the cow itself too standing there +starving in the pound, for not a wisp of hay would he give to cow or +Christian to save their lives, if it was ever so! And the rent for which +he is driving me, please your honour, has not been due but one week: a +hard master he is; but these _middle_ men are all so, one and all. Oh! +if it had been but my lot to be a tenant to a _gentleman born_, like +your honour, who is the poor man's friend, and the orphan's, and the +widow's--the friend of them that have none other. Long life to you! and +long may you live to reign over us! Would you but speak three words to +my landlord, to let my cow out of pound, and give me a fortnight's time, +that I might see and fatten her to sell against the fair, I could pay +him then all honestly, and not be racked entirely, and he would be +ashamed to refuse your honour, and afraid to disoblige the like of you, +or get your ill-will. May the blessing of Heaven be upon you, if you'll +just send and speak to him three words for the poor woman and widow, +that has none other to speak for her in the wide world!" + +Moved by this lamentable story, the effect of which the woman's whole +miserable appearance corroborated and heightened, the gentleman sent +immediately for her hard-hearted landlord. The landlord appeared; not +a gentleman, not a rich man, as the term landlord might denote, but a +stout, square, stubbed, thick-limbed, grey-eyed man, who seemed to have +come smoking hot from hard labour. The gentleman repeated the charge +made against him by the poor widow, and mildly remonstrated on his +cruelty: the man heard all that was said with a calm but unmoved +countenance. + +"And now have you done?" said he, turning to the woman, who had +recommenced her lamentations. "Look at her standing there, sir. It's +easy for her to put on her long cloak, and to tell her long story, and +to make her poor mouth to your honour; but if you are willing to hear, +I'll tell you what she is, and what I am. She is one that has none but +herself in this world to provide for; she is one that is able to afford +herself a glass of whiskey when she pleases, and she pleases it often; +she is one that never denies herself the bit of _staggering bob_[53] +when in season; she is one that has a snug house well thatched to live +in all the year round, and nothing to do or nothing that she does; and +this is the way of her life, and this is what she is. And what am I? I +am the father of eight children, and I have a wife and myself to provide +for. I am a man that is at hard labour of one kind or another from +sunrise to sunset. The straw that thatched the house she lives in I +brought two miles on my back; the walls of the house she lives in I +built with my own hands; I did the same by five other houses, and they +are all sound and dry, and good to live in, summer or winter. I set them +for rent to put bread into my children's mouth, and after all I cannot +get it! And to support my eight children, and my wife, and myself, +what have I in this world," cried he, striding suddenly with colossal +firmness upon his sturdy legs, and raising to heaven arms which looked +like fore-shortenings of the limbs of Hercules; "what have _I_ in this +wide world but these four bones?" [54] + +No provocation could have worked up a phlegmatic English countryman to +this pitch of eloquence. He never suffers his anger to evaporate in idle +figures of speech: it is always concentrated in a few words, which he +repeats in reply to every argument, persuasive, or invective, that can +be employed to irritate or to assuage his wrath. We recollect having +once been present at a scene between an English gentleman and a +churchwarden, whose feelings were grievously hurt by the disturbance +that had been given to certain bones in levelling a wall which separated +the churchyard from the pleasure ground of the lord of the manor. The +bones belonged, as the churchwarden believed or averred, to his great +great grandmother, though how they were identified it might be difficult +to explain to an indifferent judge; yet we are to suppose that the +confirmation of the suspicion was strong and satisfactory to the party +concerned. The pious great great grandson's feelings were all in arms, +but _indignation_ did not inspire him with a single poetic idea or +expression. In his eloquence, indeed, there was the principal requisite, +action: in reply to all that could be said, he repeatedly struck his +long oak stick perpendicularly upon the floor, and reiterated these +words-- + +"It's death, sir! death by the law! It's sacrilege, sir! sacrilege by +act of parliament! It's death, sir! death by the law! and the law I'll +have of him, for it's lawful to have the law." + +This was the whole range of his ideas, even when the passions had +tumbled them all out of their dormitories. + +Innumerable fresh instances of Irish eloquence and wit crowd upon our +recollection, but we forbear. The examples we have cited are taken from +real life, and given without alteration or embellishment. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +THE BROGUE. + +Having proved by a perfect syllogism that the Irish must blunder, +we might rest satisfied with our labours; but there are minds of so +perverse a sort, that they will not yield their understandings to the +torturing power of syllogism. + +It may be waste of time to address ourselves to persons of such a cast; +we shall therefore change our ground, and adapt our arguments to the +level of vulgar capacities. Much of the comic effect of Irish bulls, or +of such speeches as are mistaken for bulls, has depended upon the tone, +or _brogue_, as it is called, with which they are uttered. The first +Irish blunders that we hear are made or repeated in this peculiar tone, +and afterward, from the power of association, whenever we hear the tone +we expect the blunder. Now there is little danger that the Irish should +be cured of their brogue; and consequently there is no great reason to +apprehend that we should cease to think or call them blunderers. + +Of the powerful effect of any peculiarity of pronunciation to prepossess +the mind against the speaker, nay, even to excite dislike amounting to +antipathy, we have an instance attested by an eye-witness, or rather an +ear-witness. + +"In the year 1755," says the Rev. James Adams, "I attended a public +disputation in a foreign university, when at least 400 Frenchmen +literally hissed a grave and learned _English_ doctor, not by way of +insult, but irresistibly provoked by the quaintness of the repetition of +sh. The thesis was, the concurrence of God _in actionibus viciosis_: +the whole hall resounded with the hissing cry of sh, and its continual +occurrence in _actio, actione, viciosa_, &c." + +It is curious that Shibboleth should so long continue a criterion among +nations! + +What must have been the degree of irritation that could so far get the +better of the politeness of 400 Frenchmen as to make them hiss in the +days of _l'ancien régime_! The dread of being the object of that species +of antipathy or ridicule, which is excited by unfashionable peculiarity +of accent, has induced many of the _misguided_ natives of Ireland to +affect what they imagine to be the English pronunciation. They are +seldom successful in this attempt, for they generally overdo the +business. We are told by Theophrastus, that a _barbarian_, who had taken +some pains to attain the true Attic dialect, was discovered to be a +foreigner by his speaking the Attic dialect with a greater degree of +precision and purity than was usual amongst the Athenians themselves. To +avoid the imputation of committing barbarisms, people sometimes run into +solecisms, which are yet more ridiculous. Affectation is always more +ridiculous than ignorance. + +There are Irish ladies, who, ashamed of their country, betray themselves +by mincing out their abjuration, by calling tables _teebles_, and chairs +_cheers_! To such renegadoes we prefer the honest quixotism of a modern +champion[55] for the Scottish accent, who boldly asserted that "the +broad dialect rises above reproach, scorn, and laughter," enters the +lists, as he says of himself, in Tartan dress and armour, and throws +down the gauntlet to the most prejudiced antagonist. "How weak is +prejudice!" pursues this patriotic enthusiast. "The sight of the +Highland kelt, the flowing plaid, the buskined leg, provokes my +antagonist to laugh! Is this dress ridiculous in the eyes of reason and +common sense? No; nor is the dialect of speech: both are characteristic +and national distinctions. + +"The arguments of general vindication," continues he, "rise powerful +before my sight, like the Highland bands in full array. A louder strain +of apologetic speech swells my words. What if it should rise high as the +unconquered summits of Scotia's hills, and call back, with voice sweet +as Caledonian song, the days of ancient Scotish heroes; or attempt the +powerful speech of the Latian orator, or his of Greece! The subject, +methinks, would well accord with the attempt: _Cupidum, Scotia optima, +vires deficiunt_. I leave this to the _king of songs_, Dunbar and +Dunkeld, Douglas in _Virgilian_ strains, and later poets, Ramsay, +Ferguson, and Burns, awake from your graves; you have already +immortalized the Scotish dialect in raptured melody! Lend me your golden +target and well-pointed spear, that I might victoriously pursue, to +the extremity of South Britain, reproachful ignorance and scorn still +lurking there: let impartial candour seize their usurped throne. Great, +then, is the birth of this national dialect," &c. + +So far so good. We have some sympathy with the rhapsodist, whose +enthusiasm kindles at the names of Allan Ramsay and of Burns; nay, +we are willing to hear (with a grain of allowance) that "the manly +eloquence of the Scotish bar affords a singular pleasure to the candid +English hearer, and gives merit and dignity to the noble speakers, who +retain so much of their own dialect and tempered propriety of English +sounds, that they may be emphatically termed _British orators_." But +we confess that we lose our patient decorum, and are almost provoked to +laughter, when our philological Quixote seriously sets about to prove +that Adam and Eve spoke broad Scotch in Paradise. + +How angry has this grave patriot reason to be with his ingenious +countryman Beattie,[56] the celebrated champion of _Truth_, who +acknowledges that he never could, when a boy or man, look at a certain +translation of Ajax's speech into one of the vulgar Scotch dialects +without laughing! + +We shall now with boldness, similar to that of the Scotch champion, try +the risible muscles of our English reader; we are not, indeed, inclined +to go quite such lengths as he has gone: he insists that the Scotch +dialect ought to be adopted all over England; we are only going candidly +to confess, that we think the Irish, in general, speak _better English_ +than is commonly spoken by the natives of England. To limit this +proposition so as to make it appear less absurd, we should observe, that +we allude to the lower classes of the people in both countries. In some +counties in Ireland, a few of the poorest labourers and cottagers do not +understand English, they speak only Irish, as in Wales there are vast +numbers who speak only Welsh; but amongst those who speak English we +find fewer vulgarisms than amongst the same rank of persons in England. +The English which they speak is chiefly such as has been traditional in +their families from the time of the early settlers in the island. During +the reign of Elizabeth and the reign of Shakspeare, numbers of English +migrated to Ireland; and whoever attends to the phraseology of the lower +Irish may, at this day, hear many of the phrases and expressions used by +Shakspeare. Their vocabulary has been preserved nearly in its pristine +purity since that time, because they have not had intercourse with those +counties in England which have made for themselves a jargon unlike to +any language under heaven. The Irish _brogue_ is a great and shameful +defect, but it does not render the English language absolutely +unintelligible. There are but a few variations of the brogue, such as +the long and the short, the Thady brogue and Paddy brogue, which differ +much in tone, and but little in phraseology; but in England, almost +all of our fifty-two counties have peculiar vulgarisms, dialects, and +brogues, unintelligible to their neighbours. Herodotus tells us that +some of the nations of Greece, though they used the same language, +spoke it so differently, that they could not understand each other's +conversation. This is literally the case at present between the +provincial inhabitants of remote parts of England. Indeed the language +peculiar to the metropolis, or the _cockney_ dialect, is proverbially +ridiculous. The Londoners, who look down with contempt upon all that +have not been _bred and born_ within the sound of Bow, talk with +unconscious absurdity of _w_eal and _w_inegar, and _v_ine and _v_indors, +and idea_r_s, and ask you _ow_ you do? and '_ave ye bin taking_ the _h_air +in 'yde park? and '_as_ your 'orse 'ad any _h_oats, &c.? aspirating +always where they should not, and never aspirating where they should. + +The _Zummerzetzheer_ dialect, full of broad _oos_ and eternal _zeds_, +supplies never-failing laughter when brought upon the stage. Even a +cockney audience relishes the broad pronunciation of John Moody, in the +Journey to London, or of Sim in Wild Oats. + +The cant of Suffolk, the vulgarisms of Shropshire, the uncouth +phraseology of the three ridings of Yorkshire, amaze and bewilder +foreigners, who perhaps imagine that they do not understand English, +when they are in company with those who cannot speak it. The patois of +Languedoc and Champagne, such as "_Mein fis sest ai bai via_," Mon fils +c'est un beau veau, exercises, it is true, the ingenuity of travellers, +and renders many scenes of Molière and Marivaux difficult, if not +unintelligible, to those who have never resided in the French provinces; +but no French patois is more unintelligible than the following specimen +of _Tummas_ and _Meary's_ Lancashire dialogue:-- + +_Thomas_. "Whau, but I startit up to goa to th' tits, on slurr'd deawn +to th' lower part o' th' heymough, on by th' maskins, lord! whot dust +think? boh leet hump stridd'n up o' summot ot felt meety heury, on it +startit weh meh on its back, deawn th' lower part o' th' mough it jumpt, +crost th' leath, eaw't o' th' dur whimmey it took, on into th' weturing +poo, os if th' dule o' hell had driv'n it, on there it threw meh en, or +I fell off, I connaw tell whether, for th' life o' meh, into the poo." + +_Mary_. "Whoo-wo, whoo-wo, whoo! whot, ith neme o' God! widneh sey?" + +_Thomas_. "If it wur naw Owd Nick, he wur th' orderer on't, to be +shure----. Weh mitch powlering I geet eawt o' th' poo, 'lieve[57] meh, +as to list, I could na tell whether i'r in a sleawm or wak'n, till +eh groapt ot meh een; I crope under a wough and stode like o' +gawmbling,[58] or o parfit neatril, till welly day," &c. + +Let us now listen to a conversation which we hope will not be quite so +unintelligible. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +BATH COACH CONVERSATION. + +In one of the coaches which travel between Bath and London, an Irish, +a Scotch, and an English gentleman happened to be passengers. They +were well informed and well-bred, had seen the world, had lived in good +company, and were consequently superior to local and national prejudice. +As their conversation was illustrative of our subject, we shall make no +apology for relating it. We pass the usual preliminary compliments, and +the observations upon the weather and the roads. The Irish gentleman +first started a more interesting subject--the Union; its probable +advantages and disadvantages were fully discussed, and, at last, the +Irishman said, "Whatever our political opinions may be, there is one +wish in which we shall all agree, that the Union may make us better +acquainted with one another." + +"It is surprising," said the Englishman, "how ignorant we English in +general are of Ireland: to be sure we do not now, as in the times of +Bacon and Spenser, believe that wild Irishmen have wings; nor do we +all of us give credit, to Mr. Twiss's assertion, that if you look at an +Irish lady, she answers, '_port if you please_.'" + +_Scotchman_.--"That traveller seems to be almost as liberal as he who +defined _oats_--food for horses in England, and for men in Scotland: +such illiberal notions die away of themselves." + +_Irishman_.--"Or they are contradicted by more liberal travellers. I am +sure my country has great obligations to the gallant English and Scotch +military, not only for so readily assisting to defend and quiet us, but +for spreading in England a juster notion of Ireland. Within these few +months, I suppose, more real knowledge of the state and manners of +that kingdom has been diffused in England by their means, than had been +obtained during a whole century." + +_Scotchman_.--"Indeed, I do not recollect having read any author of note +who has given me a notion of Ireland since Spenser and Davies, except +Arthur Young." + +_Englishman_.--"What little knowledge I have of Ireland has been drawn +more from observation than from books. I remember when I first went +over there, I did not expect to see twenty trees in the whole island: I +imagined that I should have nothing to drink but whiskey, that I should +have nothing to eat but potatoes, that I should sleep in mud-walled +cabins; that I should, when awake, hear nothing but the Irish howl, the +Irish brogue, Irish answers, and Irish bulls; and that if I smiled at +any of these things, a hundred pistols would fly from their holsters to +_give_ or _demand_ satisfaction. But experience taught me better things: +I found that the stories I had heard were _tales of other times_. Their +hospitality, indeed, continues to this day." + +_Irishman_.--"It does, I believe; but of later days, as we have +been honoured with the visits of a greater number of foreigners, our +hospitality has become less extravagant." + +_Englishman_.--"Not less agreeable: Irish hospitality, I speak from +experience, does not now consist merely in pushing about the bottle; +the Irish are convivial, but their conviviality is seasoned with wit and +humour; they have plenty of good conversation as well as good cheer for +their guests; and they not only have wit themselves, but they love it in +others; they can take as well as give a joke. I never lived with a more +good-humoured, generous, open-hearted people than the Irish." + +_Irishman_.--"I wish Englishmen, in general, were half as partial to +poor Ireland as you are, sir." + +_Englishman_.--"Or rather you wish that they knew the country as well, +and then they would do it as much justice." + +_Irishman_.--"You do it something more than justice, I fear. There are +little peculiarities in my countrymen which will long be justly the +subject of ridicule in England." + +_Scotchman._--"Not among well-bred and well-informed people: those who +have seen or read of great varieties of customs and manners are never +apt to laugh at all that may differ from their own. As the sensible +author of the Government of the Tongue says, 'Half-witted people are +always the bitterest revilers.'" + +_Irishman._--"You are very indulgent, gentlemen; but in spite of all +your politeness, you must allow, or, at least, I must confess, that +there are little defects in the Irish government of the tongue at which +even _whole_-witted people must laugh." + +_Scotchman._--"The well-educated people in all countries, I +believe, escape the particular accent, and avoid the idiom, that are +characteristic of the vulgar." + +_Irishman._--"But even when we escape Irish brogue, we cannot escape +Irish bulls." + +_Englishman._--"You need not say _Irish_ bulls with such emphasis; for +bulls are not peculiar to Ireland. I have been informed by a person of +unquestionable authority, that there is a town in Germany, Hirschau, +in the Upper Palatinate, where the inhabitants are famous for making +bulls." + +_Irishman._--"I am truly glad to hear we have companions in disgrace. +Numbers certainly lessen the effect of ridicule as well as of shame: +but, after all, the Irish idiom is peculiarly unfortunate, for it leads +perpetually to blunder." + +_Scotchman._--"I have heard the same remarked of the Hebrew. I am told +that the Hebrew and Irish idiom are much alike." + +_Irishman (laughing)._--"That is a great comfort to us, certainly, +particularly to those amongst us who are fond of tracing our origin up +to the remotest antiquity; but still there are many who would willingly +give up the honour of this high alliance to avoid its inconveniences; +for my own part, if I could ensure myself and my countrymen from all +future danger of making bulls and blunders, I would this instant give up +all Hebrew roots; and even the Ogham character itself I would renounce, +'to make assurance doubly sure.'" + +_Englishman.--_"'To make _assurance doubly sure._' Now there is an +example in our great Shakspeare of what I have often observed, that we +English allow our poets and ourselves a licence of speech that we deny +to our Hibernian neighbours. If an Irishman, instead of Shakspeare, had +talked of making 'assurance doubly sure,' we should have asked how that +could be. The vulgar in England are too apt to catch at every slip of +the tongue made by Irishmen. I remember once being present when an +Irish nobleman, of talents and literature, was actually hissed from the +hustings at a Middlesex election because in his speech he happened to +say, 'We have laid the root to the axe of the tree of liberty,' instead +of 'we have laid the axe to the root of the tree.'" + +Scotchman,--"A lapsus linguae, that might have been made by the greatest +orators, ancient or modern; by Cicero or Chatham, by Burke, or by 'the +fluent Murray.'" + +Englishman,--"Upon another occasion I have heard that an Irish orator +was silenced with '_inextinguishable_ laughter' merely for saying, 'I am +sorry to hear my honourable friend stand mute.'" + +Scotchman.--"If I am not mistaken, that very same Irish orator made an +allusion at which no one could laugh. 'The protection,' said he, 'which +Britain affords to Ireland in the day of adversity, is like that which +the oak affords to the ignorant countryman, who flies to it for shelter +in the storm; it draws down upon his head the lightning of heaven:' may +be I do not repeat the words exactly, but I could not forget the idea." + +Englishman.--"I would with all my heart bear the ridicule of a hundred +blunders for the honour of having made such a simile: after all, his +saying, 'I am sorry to hear my honourable friend stand _mute_,' if it be +a bull, is justified by Homer; one of the charms in the cestus of Venus +is, + + 'Silence that speaks, and eloquence of eyes.'" + +Scotchman.--"Silence that speaks, sir, is, I am afraid, an English, not +a Grecian charm. It is not in the Greek; it is one of those beautiful +liberties which Mr. Pope has taken with his original. But silence that +speaks can be found in France as well as in England. Voltaire, in his +chef-d'oeuvre, his Oedipus, makes Jocasta say, + + 'Tout parle centre nous jusqu'à notre _silence_.'" [59] + +_Englishman_.--"And in our own Milton, Samson Agonistes makes as good, +indeed a better bull; for he not only makes the mute speak, but speak +loud:-- + + 'The deeds themselves, though _mute, spoke loud_ the doer.' + +And in Paradise Lost we have, to speak in _fashionable_ language, two +_famous_ bulls. Talking of Satan, Milton says, + + 'God and his Son except, + Created thing nought valued he nor shunn'd.' + +And speaking of Adam and Eve, and their sons and daughters, he confounds +them all together in a manner for which any Irishman would have been +laughed to scorn:-- + + 'Adam, the goodliest man of men since born, + His sons; the fairest of her daughters Eve.' + +Yet Addison, who notices these blunders, calls them only little +blemishes." + +_Scotchman_.--"He does so; and he quotes Horace, who tells us we should +impute such venial errors to a pardonable inadvertency; and, as I +recollect, Addison makes another very just remark, that the ancients, +who were actuated by a spirit of candour, not of cavilling, invented a +variety of figures of speech, on purpose to palliate little errors of +this nature." + +"Really, gentlemen," interrupted the Hibernian, who had sat all this +time in silence that spoke his grateful sense of the politeness of his +companions, "you will put the finishing stroke to my obligations to you, +if you will prove that the ancient figures of speech were invented to +palliate Irish blunders." + +_Englishman_.--"No matter for what purpose they were invented; if we can +make so good a use of them we shall be satisfied, especially if you are +pleased. I will, however, leave the burden of the proof upon my friend +here, who has detected me already in quoting from Pope's Iliad instead +of Homer's. I am sure he will manage the ancient figures of rhetoric +better than I should; however, if I can fight behind his shield I shall +not shun the combat." + +_Scotchman_.--"I stand corrected for quoting Greek. Now I will not go to +Longinus for my tropes and figures; I have just met with a little book +on the subject, which I put into my pocket to-day, intending to finish +it on my journey, but I have been better employed." + +He drew from his pocket a book, called, "Deinology; or, the Union of +Reason and Elegance." "Look," said he, "look at this long list of tropes +and figures; amongst them we could find apologies for every species of +Irish bulls; but in mercy, I will select, from 'the twenty chief and +most moving figures of speech,' only the oxymoron, as it is a favourite +with Irish orators. In the oxymoron contradictions meet: to reconcile +these, Irish ingenuity delights. I will further spare four out of +the seven figures of less note: emphasis, enallage, and the hysteron +proteron you must have; because emphasis graces Irish diction, enallage +unbinds it from strict grammatical fetters, and hysteron proteron allows +it sometimes to put the cart before the horse. Of the eleven grammatical +figures, Ireland delights chiefly in the antimeria, or changing one part +of speech for another, and in the ellipsis or defect. Of the remaining +long list of figures, the Irish are particularly disposed to the +epizeuxis, as 'indeed, indeed--at all, at all,' and antanaclasis, or +double meaning. The tautotes, or repetition of the same thing, is, I +think, full as common amongst the English. The hyperbole and catachresis +are so nearly related to a bull, that I shall dwell upon them with +pleasure. You must listen to the definition of a catachresis:--'A +catachresis is the boldest of any trope. _Necessity makes it borrow +and employ an expression or term contrary to the thing it means to +express_.'" + +"Upon my word this is something like a description of an Irish bull," +interrupted the Hibernian. + +_Scotchman_.--"For instance, it has been said, _Equitare in arundine +longá_, to ride on horseback on a stick. Reason condemns the +contradiction, but necessity has allowed it, and use has made it +intelligible. The same trope is employed in the following metaphorical +expression:--the seeds of the Gospel have been _watered_ by the _blood_ +of the martyrs." + +_Englishman_.--"That does seem an absurdity, I grant; but you know great +orators _trample on impossibilities_." [60] + +_Scotchman_.--"And great poets get the letter of them. You recollect +Shakspeare says, + + 'Now bid me run, + And I will strive with things _impossible_, + Yea, _get the better of them_.'" + +_Englishman_.--"And Corneille, in the Cid, I believe, makes his hero a +compliment upon his having performed impossibilities--'Vos mains seules +ont le droit de vaincre un invincible.'" [61] + +_Scotchman_.--"Ay, that would be a bull in an Irishman, but it is only +an hyperbole in a Frenchman." + +_Irishman_.--"Indeed this line of Corneille's _out-hyperboles_ the +hyperbole, considered in any but a prophetic light; as a prophecy, it +exactly foretels the taking of Bonaparte's _invincible_ standard by the +glorious forty-second regiment of the British: 'Your hands alone _have a +right_ to vanquish the invincible.' By-the-by, the phrase _ont le droit_ +cannot, I believe, be literally translated into English; but the Scotch +and Irish, _have a right_, translates it exactly. But do not let me +interrupt my country's defence, gentlemen; I am heartily glad to find +Irish blunderers may shelter themselves in such good company in the +ancient sanctuary of the hyperbole. But I am afraid you must deny +admittance to the poor mason, who said, 'This house will stand as long +as the world, and longer.'" + +_Scotchman_.--"Why should we 'shut the gates of mercy' upon him when we +pardon his betters for more flagrant sins? For instance, Mr. Pope, who, +in his Essay on Criticism, makes a blunder, or rather uses an hyperbole, +stronger than that of your poor Irish mason:-- + + 'When first young Maro in his noble mind + A work _t'outlast immortal_ Rome design'd.' + +And to give you a more modern case, I lately heard an English shopkeeper +say to a lady in recommendation of his goods, 'Ma'am, it will wear for +ever, and make you a petticoat afterwards.'" + +_Irishman_.--"Upon my word, I did not think you could have found a match +for the mason; but what will you say to my countryman, who, on meeting +an acquaintance, accosted him with this ambiguous compliment--'When +first I saw you I thought it was you, but now I see it is your +brother.'" + +_Scotchman_.--"If I were not afraid you would take me for a pedant, +I should quote a sentence from Cicero that is not far behind this +blunder." + +_Irishman_.--"I can take you for nothing but a friend: pray let us have +the Latin." + +_Scotchman_.--"It is one of Cicero's compliments to Caesar--'Qui, cum +ipse imperator in toto imperio populi Romani unus esset, esse me +alterum passus est.'[62] Perhaps," continued the Scotchman, "my way of +pronouncing Latin sounds strangely to you, gentlemen?" + +_Irishman_.--"And perhaps ours would be unintelligible to Cicero +himself, if he were to overhear us: I fancy we are all so far from +right, that we need not dispute about degrees of wrong." + +The coach stopped at this instant, and the conversation was interrupted. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + +BATH COACH CONVERSATION. + +After our travellers had dined, the conversation was renewed by the +English gentleman's repeating Goldsmith's celebrated lines on Burke: + + "Who, too deep for his hearers, still went on refining, + And thought of convincing, whilst they thought of dining; + In short, 'twas his fate, unemployed or in place, sir, + To eat mutton cold, and cut blocks with a razor." + +"What humour and wit there are in that poem of Goldsmith's! and where is +there any thing equal to his 'Traveller?'" + +_Irishman_.--"Yet this is the man who used to be the butt of the company +for his bulls." + +_Englishman_.--"No, not for his bulls, but for _blurting_ out opinions +in conversation that could not stand the test of Dr. Johnson's critical +powers. But what would become of the freedom of wit and humour if every +word that came out of our mouths were subject to the tax of a professed +critic's censure, or if every sentence were to undergo a logical +examination? It would be well for Englishmen if they were a little +more inclined, like your open-hearted countrymen, to _blurt_ out their +opinions freely." + +_Scotchman_,--"I cannot forgive Dr. Johnson for calling Goldsmith an +inspired idiot; I confess I see no idiotism, but much inspiration, in +his works." + +_Irishman_.--"But we must remember, that if Johnson did laugh at +Goldsmith, he would let no one else laugh at him, and he was his most +sincere and active friend. The world would, perhaps, never have seen the +'Vicar of Wakefield' if Johnson had not recommended it to a bookseller; +and Goldsmith might have died in jail if the doctor had not got him a +hundred pounds for it, when poor Goldsmith did not know it was worth a +shilling. When we recollect this, we must forgive the doctor for calling +him, in jest, an inspired idiot." + +_Scotchman_.--"Especially as Goldsmith has wit enough to bear him up +against a thousand such jests." + +_Englishman_.--"It is curious to observe how nearly wit and absurdity +are allied. We may forgive the genius of Ireland if he sometimes + + 'Leap his light courser o'er the bounds of taste.' + +Even English genius is not always to be restrained within the strict +limits of common sense. For instance, Young is witty when he says, + + 'How would a miser startle to be told + Of such a wonder as insolvent gold.' + +But Johnson is, I am afraid, absurd when he says, + + 'Turn from the glittering bribe your scornful eye, + Nor sell for gold what gold can never buy.'" + +"One case, to be sure, must be excepted," said the Irishman; "a patriot +may sell his reputation, and the purchaser get nothing by it. But, +gentlemen, I have just recollected an example of an Irish bull in which +are all the happy requisites, incongruity, confusion, and laughable +confusion, both in thought and expression. When Sir Richard Steele +was asked, how it happened that his countrymen made so many bulls, he +replied, 'It is the effect of climate, sir; if an Englishman were born +in Ireland, he would make as many.'" + +_Scotchman_.--"This is an excellent bull, I allow; but I think I can +match it." + +_Englishman_.--"And if he can, you will allow yourself to be fairly +vanquished?" + +_Irishman_.--"Most willingly." + +_Scotchman_.--"Then I shall owe my victory to our friend Dr. Johnson, +the leviathan of English literature. In his celebrated preface to +Shakspeare he says, that 'he has not only shown human nature as it acts +in real exigencies, but as it _would be found in situations to which it +cannot be exposed_.' These are his own words; I think I remember them +accurately." + +The English gentleman smiled, and our Hibernian acknowledged that the +Scotchman had fairly gained the victory. "My friends," added he, "as I +cannot pretend to be 'convinced against my will,' I certainly am not 'of +the same opinion still.' But stay--there are such things as practical +bulls: did you never hear of the Irishman who ordered a painter to draw +his picture, and to represent him standing behind a tree?" + +_Englishman_.--"No: but I have heard the very same story told of an +Englishman. The dealers in _good jokes_ give them first to one nation +and then to another, first to one celebrated character and then to +another, as it suits the demand and fashion of the day: just as our +printsellers, with a few touches, change the portrait of General +Washington into the head of the king of France, and a capital print of +Sir Joshua Reynolds into a striking likeness of _the Monster_. + +"But I can give you an instance of a practical bull that is not only +indisputably English, but was made by one of the greatest men that +England ever produced, Sir Isaac Newton, who, after he had made a large +hole in his study-door for his cat to creep through, made a small hole +beside it for the kitten. You will acknowledge, sir, that this is a good +practical bull." + +"Pardon me," said the Hibernian, "we have still some miles further to +go, and, if you will give me leave, I will relate 'an Hibernian tale,' +which exemplifies some of the opinions held in this conversation." + +The Scotch and English gentlemen begged to hear the story, and he began +in the following manner. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +THE IRISH INCOGNITO. + +Sir John Bull was a native of Ireland, _bred_ and _born_ in the city +of Cork. His real name was Phelim O'Mooney, and he was by profession a +_stocah_, or walking gentleman; that is, a person who is too proud to +earn his bread, and too poor to have bread without earning it. He had +always been told that none of his ancestors had ever been in trade or +business of any kind, and he resolved, when a boy, never to _demean_ +himself and family, as his elder brother had done, by becoming a rich +merchant. When he grew up to be a young man, he kept this spirited +resolution as long as he had a relation or friend in the world who would +let him hang upon them; but when he was shaken off by all, what could he +do but go into business? He chose the most genteel, however; he became a +wine merchant. I'm _only_ a wine merchant, said he to himself, and that +is next door to being nothing at all. His brother furnished his cellars; +and Mr. Phelim O'Mooney, upon the strength of the wine that he had in +his cellars, and of the money he expected to make of it, immediately +married a wife, set up a gig, and gave excellent dinners to men who were +ten times richer than he even ever expected to be. In return for these +excellent dinners, his new friends bought all their wine from Mr. +O'Mooney, and never paid for it; he lived upon credit himself, and gave +all his friends credit, till he became a bankrupt. Then nobody came to +dine with him, and every body found out that he had been very imprudent; +and he was obliged to sell his gig, but not before it had broken his +wife's neck; so that when accounts came to be finally settled, he was +not much worse than when he began the world, the loss falling upon his +creditors, and he being, as he observed, free to begin life again, with +the advantage of being once more a bachelor. He was such a good-natured, +free-hearted fellow, that every body liked him, even his creditors. His +wife's relations made up the sum of five hundred pounds for him, and +his brother offered to take him into his firm as partner; but O'Mooney +preferred, he said, going to try, or rather to make, his fortune in +England, as he did not doubt but he should by marriage, being, as he +did not scruple to acknowledge, a personable, clever-looking man, and a +great favourite with the sex. + +"My last wife I married for love, my next I expect will do the same by +me, and of course the money must come on her side this time," said our +hero, half jesting, half in earnest. His elder and wiser brother, the +merchant, whom he still held in more than sufficient contempt, ventured +to hint some slight objections to this scheme of Phelim's seeking +fortune in England. He observed that so many had gone upon this plan +already, that there was rather a prejudice in England against Irish +adventurers. + +This could not affect _him_ any ways, Phelim replied, because he did not +mean to appear in England as an Irishman at all. + +"How then?" + +"As an Englishman, since that is most agreeable." + +"How can that be?" + +"Who should hinder it?" + +His brother, hesitatingly, said "Yourself." + +"Myself!--What part of myself? Is it my tongue?--You'll acknowledge, +brother, that I do not speak with the brogue." + +It was true that Phelim did not speak with any Irish brogue: his mother +was an English woman, and he had lived much with English officers +in Cork, and he had studied and imitated their manner of speaking so +successfully, that no one, merely by his accent, could have guessed that +he was an Irishman. + +"Hey! brother, I say!" continued Phelim, in a triumphant English tone; +"I never was taken for an Irishman in my life. Colonel Broadman told me +the other day, I spoke English better than the English themselves; that +he should take me for an Englishman, in any part of the known world, the +moment I opened my lips. You must allow that not the smallest particle +of brogue is discernible on my tongue." + +His brother allowed that not the smallest particle of brogue was to be +discerned upon Phelim's tongue, but feared that some Irish idiom might +be perceived in his conversation. And then the name of O'Mooney! + +"Oh, as to that, I need not trouble an act of parliament, or even a +king's letter, just to change my name for a season; at the worst, I can +travel and appear incognito." + +"Always?" + +"No: only just till I'm upon good terms with the lady ---- Mrs. Phelim +O'Mooney, that is to be, God willing. Never fear, nor shake your head, +brother; _you_ men of business are out of this line, and not proper +judges: I beg your pardon for saying so, but as you are my own brother, +and nobody by, you'll excuse me." + +His brother did excuse him, but continued silent for some minutes; +he was pondering upon the means of persuading Phelim to give up this +scheme. + +"I would lay you any wager, my dear Phelim," said he, "that you could +not continue four days in England incognito." + +"Done!" cried Phelim. "Done for a hundred pounds; done for a thousand +pounds, and welcome." + +"But if you lose, how will you pay?" + +"Faith! that's the last thing I thought of, being sure of winning." + +"Then you will not object to any mode of payment I shall propose." + +"None: only remembering always, that I was a bankrupt last week, and +shall be little better till I'm married; but then I'll pay you honestly +if I lose." + +"No, if you lose I must be paid before that time, my good sir," said his +brother, laughing. "My bet is this:--I will lay you one hundred guineas +that you do not remain four days in England incognito; be upon honour +with me, and promise, that if you lose, you will, instead of laying down +a hundred guineas, come back immediately, and settle quietly again to +business." + +The word _business_ was always odious to our hero's proud ears; but he +thought himself so secure of winning his wager, that he willingly bound +himself in a penalty which he believed would never become due; and his +generous brother, at parting, made the bet still more favourable, by +allowing that Phelim should not be deemed the loser unless he was, +in the course of the first four days after he touched English ground, +detected eight times in being an Irishman. + +"Eight times!" cried Phelim. "Good bye to a hundred guineas, brother, +you may say." + +"You may say," echoed his brother, and so they parted. + +Mr. Phelim O'Mooney the next morning sailed from Cork harbour with a +prosperous gale, and with a confidence in his own success which supplied +the place of auspicious omens. He embarked at Cork, to go by long sea to +London, and was driven into Deal, where Julius Caesar once landed before +him, and with the same resolution to see and conquer. It was early in +the morning; having been very sea-sick, he was impatient, as soon as +he got into the inn, for his breakfast: he was shown into a room where +three ladies were waiting to go by the stage; his air of easy confidence +was the best possible introduction. + +"Would any of the company choose eggs?" said the waiter. + +"I never touch an egg for my share," said O'Mooney, carelessly; he knew +that it was supposed to be an Irish custom to eat eggs at breakfast; and +when the malicious waiter afterwards set a plate full of eggs in salt +upon the table, our hero magnanimously abstained from them; he even +laughed heartily at a story told by one of the ladies, of an Hibernian +at Buxton, who declared that "no English hen ever laid a fresh egg." + +O'Mooney got through breakfast much to his own satisfaction, and to that +of the ladies, whom he had taken a proper occasion to call the _three +graces_, and whom he had informed that he was an _old_ baronet of an +English family, and that his name was Sir John Bull. The youngest of +the graces civilly observed, "that whatever else he might be, she should +never have taken him for an _old_ baronet." The lady who made this +speech was pretty, but O'Mooney had penetration enough to discover, in +the course of the conversation, that she and her companions were far +from being divinities; his three graces were a greengrocer's wife, a +tallowchandler's widow, and a milliner. When he found that these ladies +were likely to be his companions if he were to travel in the coach, he +changed his plan, and ordered a postchaise and four. + +O'Mooney was not in danger of making any vulgar Irish blunders in paying +his bill at an inn. No landlord or waiter could have suspected him, +especially as he always left them to settle the matter first, and then +looked over the bill and money with a careless gentility, saying, "Very +right," or "Very well, sir;" wisely calculating, that it was better to +lose a few shillings on the road, than to lose a hundred pounds by the +risk of Hibernian miscalculation. + +Whilst the chaise was getting ready he went to the custom-house to +look after his baggage. He found a red-hot countryman of his own there, +roaring about four and fourpence, and fighting the battle of his trunks, +in which he was ready to make affidavit there was not, nor never had +been, any thing contraband; and when the custom-house officer replied by +pulling out of one of them a piece of Irish poplin, the Hibernian +fell immediately upon the Union, which he swore was Disunion, as +the custom-house officers managed it. Sir John Bull appeared to much +advantage all this time, maintaining a dignified silence; from his quiet +appearance and deportment, the custom-house officers took it for +granted that he was an Englishman. He was in no hurry; he begged _that_ +gentleman's business might be settled first; he would wait the officer's +leisure, and as he spoke he played so dexterously with half-a-guinea +between his fingers, as to make it visible only where he wished. +The custom-house officer was his humble servant immediately; but the +Hibernian would have been his enemy, if he had not conciliated him by +observing, "that even Englishmen must allow there was something very +like a bull in professing to make a complete identification of the two +kingdoms, whilst, at the same time, certain regulations continued in +full force to divide the countries by art, even more than the British +Channel does by nature." + +Sir John talked so plausibly, and, above all, so candidly and coolly on +Irish and English politics, that the custom-house officer conversed with +him for a quarter of an hour without guessing of what country he was, +till in an unlucky moment Phelim's heart got the better of his head. +Joining in the praises bestowed by all parties on the conduct of +a distinguished patriot of his country, he, in the height of his +enthusiasm, inadvertently called him the _Speaker_. + +"The Speaker!" said the officer. + +"Yes, the Speaker--_our_ Speaker!" cried Phelim, with exultation. He +was not aware how he had betrayed himself, till the officer smiled and +said-- + +"Sir, I really never should have found out that you were an Irishman +but from the manner in which you named your countryman, who is as highly +thought of by all parties in this country as in yours: your enthusiasm +does honour to your heart." + +"And to my head, I'm sure," said our hero, laughing with the best grace +imaginable. "Well, I am glad you have found me out in this manner, +though I lose the eighth part of a bet of a hundred guineas by it." + +He explained the wager, and begged the custom-house officer to keep his +secret, which he promised to do faithfully, and assured him, "that he +should be happy to do any thing in his power to serve him." Whilst he +was uttering these last words, there came in a snug, but soft-looking +Englishman, who opining from the words "happy to do any thing in my +power to serve you," that O'Mooney was a friend of the custom-house +officer's, and encouraged by something affable and good-natured in our +hero's countenance, crept up to him, and whispered a request--"Could you +tell a body, sir, how to get out of the custom-house a very valuable box +of Sèvre china that has been _laying_ in the custom-house three weeks, +and which I was commissioned to get out if I could, and bring up to town +for a lady." + +As a lady was in the case, O'Mooney's gallantry instantly made his +good-nature effective. The box of Sèvre china was produced, and opened +only as a matter of form, and only as a matter of curiosity its contents +were examined--a beautiful set of Sèvre china and a pendule, said to +have belonged to M. Egalité! "These things must be intended," said +Phelim, "for some lady of superior taste or fortune." + +As Phelim was a proficient in the Socratic art of putting judicious +interrogatories, he was soon happily master of the principal points it +concerned him to know: he learnt that the lady was rich--a spinster--of +full age--at her own disposal--living with a single female companion +at Blackheath--furnishing a house there in a superior style--had two +carriages--her Christian name Mary--her surname Sharperson. + +O'Mooney, by the blessing of God, it shall soon he, thought Phelim. He +politely offered the Englishman a place in his chaise for himself and +Sèvre china, as it was for a lady, and would run great hazard in +the stage, which besides was full. Mr. Queasy, for that was our soft +Englishman's name, was astonished by our hero's condescension and +affability, especially as he heard him called Sir John: he bowed sundry +times as low as the fear of losing his wig would permit, and accepted +the polite offer with many thanks for himself and the lady concerned. + +Sir John Bull's chaise and four was soon ready; and Queasy seated in +the corner of it, and the Sèvre china safely stowed between his knees. +Captain Murray, a Scotch officer, was standing at the inn-door, with his +eyes intently fixed on the letters that were worked in nails on the top +of Sir John's trunk; the letters were P. O'M. Our hero, whose eyes were +at least as quick as the Scotchman's, was alarmed lest this should lead +to a second detection. He called instantly, with his usual presence of +mind, to the ostler, and desired him to uncord _that_ trunk, as it was +not to go with him; raising his voice loud enough for all _the yard_ +to hear, he added--"It is not mine at all; it belongs to my friend, +Mr. O'Mooney: let it be sent after me, at leisure, by the waggon, as +directed, to the care of Sir John Bull." + +Our hero was now giving his invention a prodigious quantity of +superfluous trouble; and upon this occasion, as upon most others, he was +more in danger from excess than deficiency of ingenuity: he was like the +man in the fairy tale, who was obliged to tie his legs lest he should +outrun the object of which he was in pursuit. The Scotch officer, though +his eyes were fixed on the letters PO'S., had none of the suspicions +which Phelim was counteracting; he was only considering how he could ask +for the third place in Sir John's chaise during the next stage, as he +was in great haste to get to town upon particular business, and there +were no other horses at the inn. When he heard that the heavy baggage +was to go by the waggon, he took courage and made his request. It was +instantly granted by the good-natured Hibernian, who showed as much +hospitality about his chaise as if it had been his house. Away they +drove as fast as they could. Fresh dangers awaited him at the next +inn. He left his hat upon the table in the hall whilst he went into the +parlour, and when he returned, he heard some person inquiring what Irish +gentleman was there. Our hero was terribly alarmed, for he saw that +his hat was in the inquirers hand, and he recollected that the name of +Phelim O'Mooney was written in it. This the inquisitive gentleman did +not see, for it was written in no very legible characters on the leather +withinside of the front; but "F. Guest, hatter, Damestreet, Dublin," +was a printed advertisement that could not be mistaken, and _that_ was +pasted within the crown. O'Mooney's presence of mind did not forsake him +upon this emergency. + +"My good sir," said he, turning to Queasy, who, without hearing one word +of what was passing, was coming out of the parlour, with his own hat +and gloves in his hand; "My good sir," continued he, loading him with +parcels, "will you have the goodness to see these put into my carriage? +Ill take care of your hat and gloves," added O'Mooney, in a low voice. +Queasy surrendered his hat and gloves instantly, unknowing wherefore; +then squeezed forward with his load through the crowd, crying--"Waiter! +hostler! pray, somebody put these into Sir John Bull's chaise." + +Sir John Bull, equipped with Queasy's hat, marched deliberately through +the defile, bowing with the air of at least an English county member to +this side and to that, as way was made for him to his carriage. No one +suspected that the hat did not belong to him; no one, indeed, thought of +the hat, for all eyes were fixed upon the man. Seated in the carriage, +he threw money to the waiter, hostler, and boots, and drew up the glass, +bidding the postilions drive on. By this cool self-possession our hero +effected his retreat with successful generalship, leaving his new Dublin +beaver behind him, without regret, as bona waviata. Queasy, before whose +eyes things passed continually without his seeing them, thanked Sir John +for the care he had taken of his hat, drew on his gloves, and calculated +aloud how long they should be going to the next stage. At the first town +they passed through, O'Mooney bought a new hat, and Queasy deplored the +unaccountable mistake by which Sir John's hat had been forgotten. No +further _mistakes_ happened upon the journey. The travellers rattled +on, and neither 'stinted nor stayed' till they arrived at Blackheath, at +Miss Sharperson's. Sir John sat Queasy down without having given him the +least hint of his designs upon the lady; but as he helped him out with +the Sèvre china, he looked through the large opening double doors of +the hall, and slightly said--"Upon my word, this seems to be a handsome +house: it would be worth looking at, if the family were not at home." + +"I am morally sure, Sir John," said the soft Queasy, "that Miss +Sharperson would be happy to let you see the house tonight, and this +minute, if she knew you were at the door, and who you were, and all your +civility about me and the china.--Do, pray, walk in." + +"Not for the world: a gentleman could not do such a thing without an +invitation from the lady of the house herself." + +"Oh, if that's all, I'll step up myself to the young lady; I'm certain +she'll be proud----" + +"Mr. Queasy, by no means; I would not have the lady disturbed for the +world at this unseasonable hour.--It is too late--quite too late." + +"Not at all, begging pardon, Sir John," said Queasy, taking out his +watch: "only just tea-time by me.--Not at all unseasonable for any body; +besides, the message is of my own head:--all, you know, if not well +taken----" + +Up the great staircase he made bold to go on his mission, as he thought, +in defiance of Sir John's better judgment. He returned in a few minutes +with a face of self-complacent exultation, _and_ Miss Sharperson's +compliments, and begs Sir John Bull will walk up and rest himself with a +dish of tea, and has her thanks to him for the china. + +Now Queasy, who had the highest possible opinion of Sir John Bull and +of Miss Sharperson, whom he thought the two people of the greatest +consequence and affability, had formed the notion that they were made +for each other, and that it must be a match if they could but meet. The +meeting he had now happily contrived and effected; and he had done +his part for his friend Sir John, with Miss Sharperson, by as many +exaggerations as he could utter in five minutes, concerning his +perdigious politeness and courage, his fine person and carriage, his +ancient family, and vast connexions and importance wherever he appeared +on the road, at inns, and over all England. He had previously, during +the journey, done his part for his friend Miss Sharperson with Sir John, +by stating that "she had a large fortune left her by her mother, and was +to have twice as much from her grandmother; that she had thousands upon +thousands in the funds, and an estate of two thousand a year, called +Rascàlly, in Scotland, besides plate and jewels without end." + +Thus prepared, how could this lady and gentleman meet without falling +desperately in love with each other! + +Though a servant in handsome livery appeared ready to show Sir John up +the great staircase, Mr. Queasy acted as a gentleman usher, or rather as +showman. He nodded to Sir John as they passed across a long gallery and +through an ante-chamber, threw open the doors of various apartments +as he went along, crying--"Peep in! peep in! peep in here! peep in +there!--Is not this spacious? Is not this elegant! Is not that grand? +Did I say too much?" continued he, rubbing his hands with delight. "Did +you ever see so magnificent and such highly-polished steel grates out of +Lon'on?" + +Sir John, conscious that the servant's eyes were upon him, smiled +at this question, "looked superior down;" and though with reluctant +complaisance he leaned his body to this side or to that, as Queasy +pulled or swayed, yet he appeared totally regardless of the man's vulgar +reflections. He had seen every thing as he passed, and was surprised at +all he saw; but evinced not the slightest symptom of astonishment. He +was now ushered into a spacious, well-lighted apartment: he entered with +the easy, unembarrassed air of a man who was perfectly accustomed to +such a home. His quick coup-d'oeil took in the whole at a single glance. +Two magnificent candelabras stood on Egyptian tables at the farther end +of the room, and the lights were reflected on all sides from mirrors of +no common size. Nothing seemed worthy to attract our hero's attention +but the lady of the house, whom he approached with an air of +distinguished respect. She was reclining on a Turkish sofa, her +companion seated beside her, tuning a harp. Miss Sharperson half rose to +receive Sir John: he paid his compliments with an easy, yet respectful +air. He was thanked for his civilities to _the person_ who had been +commissioned to bring the box of Sèvre china from Deal. + +"Vastly sorry it should have been so troublesome," Miss Sharperson said, +in a voice fashionably unintelligible, and with a most becoming yet +intimidating nonchalance of manner. Intimidating it might have been to +any man but our hero; he, who had the happy talent of catching, wherever +he went, the reigning manner of the place, replied to the lady in equal +strains; and she, in her turn, seemed to look upon him more as her +equal. Tea and coffee were served. _Nothings_ were talked of quite +easily by Sir John. He practised the art "not to admire," so as to give +a justly high opinion of his taste, consequence, and knowledge of the +world. Miss Sharperson, though her nonchalance was much diminished, +continued to maintain a certain dignified reserve; whilst her companion, +Miss Felicia Flat, condescended to ask Sir John, who had doubtless +seen every fine house in England and on the continent, his opinion with +respect to the furniture and finishing of the room, the placing of the +Egyptian tables and the candelabras. + +No mortal could have guessed by Sir John Bull's air, when he heard this +question, that he had never seen a candelabra before in his life. He +was so much, and yet seemingly so little upon his guard, he dealt so +dexterously in generals, and evaded particulars so delicately, that he +went through this dangerous conversation triumphantly. Careful not to +protract his visit beyond the bounds of propriety, he soon rose to take +leave, and he mingled "intrusion, regret, late hour, happiness, and +honour," so charmingly in his parting compliment, as to leave the most +favourable impression on the minds of both the ladies, and to procure +for himself an invitation to see the house next morning. + +The first day was now ended, and our hero had been detected but once. +He went to rest this night well satisfied with himself, but much more +occupied with the hopes of marrying the heiress of Rascàlly than of +winning a paltry bet. + +The next day he waited upon the ladies in high spirits. Neither of them +was _visible_, but Mr. Queasy had orders to show him the house, which +he did with much exultation, dwelling particularly in his praises on the +beautiful high polish of the steel grates. Queasy boasted that it was he +who had recommended the ironmonger who furnished the house in that line; +and that his bill, as he was proud to state, amounted to _many, many_ +hundreds. Sir John, who did not attend to one word Queasy said, went to +examine the map of the Rascàlly estate, which was unrolled, and he had +leisure to count the number of lords' and ladies' visiting tickets which +lay upon the chimney-piece. He saw names of the people of first quality +and respectability: it was plain that Miss Sharperson must be a lady of +high family as well as large fortune, else she would not be visited by +persons of such distinction. Our hero's passion for her increased every +moment. Her companion, Miss Flat, now appeared, and entered very freely +into conversation with Sir John; and as he perceived that she was +commissioned to sit in judgment upon him, he evaded all her leading +questions with the skill of an Irish witness, but without giving any +Hibernian answers. She was fairly at a fault. Miss Sharperson at length +appeared, elegantly dressed; her person was genteel, and her face rather +pretty. Sir John, at this instant, thought her beautiful, or seemed to +think so. The ladies interchanged looks, and afterwards Sir John found a +softness in his fair one's manner, a languishing tenderness in her eyes, +in the tone of her voice, and at the same time a modest perplexity and +reserve about her, which altogether persuaded him that he was quite +right, and his brother quite wrong _en fait d'amour_. Miss Flat appeared +now to have the most self-possession of the three, and Miss Sharperson +looked at her from time to time, as if she asked leave to be in love. +Sir John's visit lasted a full half hour before he was sensible of +having been five minutes engaged in this delightful conversation. + +Miss Sharperson's coach now came to the door: he handed her into it, and +she gave him a parting look, which satisfied him all was yet safe in +her heart. Miss Flat, as he handed her into the carriage, said, "Perhaps +they should meet Sir John at Tunbridge, where they were going in a few +days." She added some words as she seated herself, which he scarcely +noticed at the time, but they recurred afterwards disagreeably to his +memory. The words were, "I'm so glad we've a roomy coach, for of all +things it annoys me to be _squeedged_ in a carriage." + +This word _squeedged_, as he had not been used to it in Ireland, sounded +to him extremely vulgar, and gave him suspicions of the most painful +nature. He had the precaution, before he left Blackheath, to go into +several shops, and to inquire something more concerning his fair ladies. +All he heard was much to their advantage; that is, much to the advantage +of Miss Sharperson's fortune. All agreed that she was a rich Scotch +heiress. A rich Scotch heiress, Sir John wisely considered, might have +an humble companion who spoke bad English. He concluded that _squeedged_ +was Scotch, blamed himself for his suspicions, and was more in love +with his mistress and with himself than ever. As he returned to town, +he framed the outline of a triumphant letter to his brother on his +approaching marriage. The bet was a matter, at present, totally beneath +his consideration. However, we must do him the justice to say, that +like a man of honour he resolved that, as soon as he had won the lady's +heart, he would _candidly_ tell her his circumstances, and then leave +her the choice either to marry him or break her heart, as she pleased. +Just as he had formed this generous resolution, at a sudden turn of the +road he overtook Miss Sharperson's coach: he bowed and looked in as he +passed, when, to his astonishment, he saw, _squeedged_ up in the corner +by Miss Felicia, Mr. Queasy. He thought that this was a blunder in +etiquette that would never have been made in Ireland. Perhaps his +mistress was of the same opinion, for she hastily pulled down the blind +as Sir John passed. A cold qualm came over the lover's heart. He lost no +time in idle doubts and suspicions, but galloped on to town as fast as +he could, and went immediately to call upon the Scotch officer with +whom he had travelled, and whom he knew to be keen and prudent. He +recollected the map of the Rascàlly estate, which he saw in Miss +Sharperson's breakfast-room, and he remembered that the lands were said +to lie in that part of Scotland from which Captain Murray came; from him +he resolved to inquire into the state of the premises, before he should +offer himself as tenant for life. Captain Murray assured him that there +was no such place as Rascàlly in that part of Scotland; that he had +never heard of any such person as Miss Sharperson, though he was +acquainted with every family and every estate in the neighbourhood +where she fabled hers to be. O'Mooney drew from memory, the map of the +Rascàlly estate. Captain Murray examined the boundaries, and assured +him that his cousin the general's lands joined his own at the very spot +which he described, and that unless two straight lines could enclose a +space, the Rascàlly estate could not be found. + +Sir John, naturally of a warm temper, proceeded, however, with prudence. +The Scotch officer admired his sagacity in detecting this adventurer. +Sir John waited at his hotel for Queasy, who had promised to call to let +him know when the ladies f would go to Tunbridge. Queasy came. Nothing +could equal his astonishment and dismay when he was told the news. + +"No such place as the Rascàlly estate! Then I'm an undone man! an undone +man!" cried poor Queasy, bursting into tears: "but I'm certain it's +impossible; and you'll find, Sir John, you've been misinformed. I would +stake my life upon it, Miss Sharperson's a rich heiress, and has a rich +grandmother. Why, she's five hundred pounds in my debt, and I know of +her being thousands and thousands in the books of as good men as myself, +to whom I've recommended her, which I wouldn't have done for my life +if I had not known her to be solid. You'll find she'll prove a rich +heiress, Sir John." + +Sir John hoped so, but the proofs were not yet satisfactory. Queasy +determined to inquire about her payments to certain creditors at +Blackheath, and promised to give a decisive answer in the morning. +O'Mooney saw that this man was too great a fool to be a knave; his +perturbation was evidently the perturbation of a dupe, not of an +accomplice: Queasy was made to "be an anvil, not a hammer." In the midst +of his own disappointment, our good-natured Hibernian really pitied this +poor currier. + +The next morning Sir John went early to Blackheath. All was confusion at +Miss Sharperson's house; the steps covered with grates and furniture of +all sorts; porters carrying out looking-glasses, Egyptian tables, and +candelabras; the noise of workmen was heard in every apartment; and +louder than all the rest, O'Mooney heard the curses that were denounced +against his rich heiress--curses such as are bestowed on a swindler in +the moment of detection by the tradesmen whom she has ruined. + +Our hero, who was of a most happy temper, congratulated himself upon +having, by his own wit and prudence, escaped making the practical bull +of marrying a female swindler. + +Now that Phelim's immediate hopes of marrying a rich heiress were over, +his bet with his brother appeared to him of more consequence, and he +rejoiced in the reflection that this was the third day he had spent in +England, and that he had but once been detected.--The ides of March were +come, but not passed! + +"My lads," said he to the workmen, who were busy in carrying out the +furniture from Miss Sharperson's house, "all hands are at work, I see, +in saving what they can from the wreck of _the Sharperson_. She was as +well-fitted out a vessel, and in as gallant trim, as any ship upon the +face of the earth." + +"Ship upon the face of the _yearth_.'" repeated an English porter with +a sneer; "ship upon the face of the water, you should say, master; but I +take it you be's an Irishman." + +O'Mooney had reason to be particularly vexed at being detected by this +man, who spoke a miserable jargon, and who seemed not to have a very +extensive range of ideas. He was one of those half-witted geniuses who +catch at the shadow of an Irish bull. In fact, Phelim had merely made a +lapsus lingual, and had used an expression justifiable by the +authority of the elegant and witty Lord Chesterfield, who said--no, who +wrote--that the English navy is the finest navy upon the face of the +earth! But it was in vain for our hero to argue the point; he was +detected--no matter how or by whom. But this was only his second +detection, and three of his four days of probation were past. + +He dined this day at Captain Murray's. In the room in which they dined +there was a picture of the captain, painted by Romney. Sir John, who +happened to be seated opposite to it, observed that it was a very fine +picture; the more he looked at it, the more he liked it. His admiration +was at last unluckily expressed: he said, "That's an incomparable, an +inimitable picture; it is absolutely _more like than the original_." +[63] + +A keen Scotch lady in company smiled, and repeated, "_More like than the +original_! Sir John, if I had not been told by my relative here that you +were an Englishman, I should have set you _doon_, from that speech, for +an Irishman." + +This unexpected detection brought the colour, for a moment, into Sir +John's face; but immediately recovering his presence of mind, he said, +"That was, I acknowledge, an excellent Irish bull; but in the course of +my travels I have heard as good English bulls as Irish." + +To this Captain Murray politely acceded, and he produced some laughable +instances in support of the assertion, which gave the conversation a new +turn. + +O'Mooney felt extremely obliged to the captain for this, especially as +he saw, by his countenance, that he also had suspicions of the truth. +The first moment he found himself alone with Murray, our hero said to +him, "Murray, you are too good a fellow to impose upon, even in jest. +Your keen country-woman guessed the truth--I am an Irishman, but not a +swindler. You shall hear why I conceal my country and name; only keep +my secret till to-morrow night, or I shall lose a hundred guineas by my +frankness." + +O'Mooney then explained to him the nature of his bet. "This is only my +third detection, and half of it voluntary, I might say, if I chose to +higgle, which I scorn to do." + +Captain Murray was so much pleased by this openness, that as he shook +hands with O'Mooney, he said, "Give me leave to tell you, sir, that +even if you should lose your bet by this frank behaviour, you will have +gained a better thing--a friend." + +In the evening our hero went with his friend and a party of gentlemen to +Maidenhead, near which place a battle was to be fought next day, between +two famous pugilists, Bourke and Belcher. At the appointed time the +combatants appeared upon the stage; the whole boxing corps and the +gentlemen _amateurs_ crowded to behold the spectacle. Phelim O'Mooney's +heart beat for the Irish champion Bourke; but he kept a guard upon his +tongue, and had even the forbearance not to bet upon his countryman's +head. How many rounds were fought, and how many minutes the fight +lasted, how many blows were put _in_ on each side, or which was the +_game man_ of the two, we forbear to decide or relate, as all this has +been settled in the newspapers of the day; where also it was remarked, +that Bourke, who lost the battle, "was put into a post-chaise, and left +_standing_ half an hour, while another fight took place. This was +very scandalous on the part of his friends," says the humane newspaper +historian, "as the poor man might possibly be dying." + +Our hero O'Mooney's heart again got the better of his head. Forgetful +of his bet, forgetful of every thing but humanity, he made his way up +to the chaise, where Bourke was left. "How are you, my gay fellow?" said +he. "Can you _see at all with the eye that's knocked out_?" + +The brutal populace, who overheard this question, set up a roar of +laughter: "A bull! a bull! an Irish bull! Did you hear the question this +Irish gentleman asked his countryman?" + +O'Mooney was detected a fourth time, and this time he was not ashamed. +There was one man in the crowd who did not join in the laugh: a poor +Irishman, of the name of Terence M'Dermod. He had in former times gone +out a grousing, near Cork, with our hero; and the moment he heard his +voice, he sprang forward, and with uncouth but honest demonstrations +of joy, exclaimed, "Ah, my dear master! my dear young master! Phelim +O'Mooney, Esq. And I have found your honour alive again? By the blessing +of God above, I'll never part you now till I die; and I'll go to the +world's end to _sarve yees_." + +O'Mooney wished him at the world's end this instant, yet could not +prevail upon himself to check this affectionate follower of the +O'Mooneys. He, however, put half a crown into his hand, and hinted that +if he wished really to serve him, it must be at some other time. The +poor fellow threw down the money, saying, he would never leave him. "Bid +me do any thing, barring that. No, you shall never part me. Do what you +plase with me, still I'll be close to your heart, like your own shadow: +knock me down if you will, and wilcome, ten times a day, and I'll be up +again like a ninepin: only let me sarve your honour; I'll ask no wages +nor take none." + +There was no withstanding all this; and whether our hero's good-nature +deceived him we shall not determine, but he thought it most prudent, as +he could not get rid of Terence, to take him into his service, to let +him into his secret, to make him swear that he would never utter the +name of Phelim O'Mooney during the remainder of this day. Terence heard +the secret of the bet with joy, entered into the jest with all the +readiness of an Irishman, and with equal joy and readiness swore by the +hind leg of the holy lamb that he would never mention, even to his own +dog, the name of Phelim O'Mooney, Esq., good or bad, till past twelve +o'clock; and further, that he would, till the clock should strike that +hour, call his master Sir John Bull, and nothing else, to all men, +women, and children, upon the floor of God's creation. + +Satisfied with the fulness of this oath, O'Mooney resolved to return to +town with his man Terence M'Dermod. He, however, contrived, before he +got there, to make a practical bull, by which he was detected a fifth +time. He got into the coach which was driving _from_ London instead +of that which was driving _to_ London, and he would have been carried +rapidly to Oxford, had not his man Terence, after they had proceeded a +mile and a half on the wrong road, put his head down from the top of the +coach, crying, as he looked in at the window, "Master, Sir John Bull, +are you there? Do you know we're in the wrong box, going to Oxford?" + +"Your master's an Irishman, dare to say, as well as yourself," said the +coachman, as he let Sir John out. He walked back to Maidenhead, and took +a chaise to town. + +It was six o'clock when he got to London, and he went into a +coffee-house to dine. He sat down beside a gentleman who was reading the +newspaper. "Any news to-day, sir?" + +The gentleman told him the news of the day, and then began to read aloud +some paragraphs in a strong Hibernian accent. Our hero was sorry that he +had met with another countryman; but he resolved to set a guard upon his +lips, and he knew that his own accent could not betray him. The stranger +read on till he came to a trial about a legacy which an old woman had +left to her cats. O'Mooney exclaimed, "I hate cats almost as much as +old women; and if I had been the English minister, I would have laid the +_dog-tax_ upon cats." + +"If you had been the _Irish_ minister, you mean," said the stranger, +smiling; "for I perceive now you are a countryman of my own." + +"How can you think so, sir?" said O'Mooney: "you have no reason to +suppose so from my accent, I believe." + +"None in life--quite the contrary; for you speak remarkably pure +English--not the least note or half note of the brogue; but there's +another sort of freemason sign by which we Hibernians know one another, +and are known all over the globe. Whether to call it a confusion of +expressions or of ideas, I can't tell. Now an Englishman, if he had been +saying what you did, sir, just now, would have taken time to separate +the dog and the tax, and he would have put the tax upon cats, and let +the dogs go about their business." Our hero, with his usual good-humour, +acknowledged himself to be fairly detected. + +"Well, sir," said the stranger, "if I had not found you out before +by the blunder, I should be sure now you were my countryman by your +good-humour. An Irishman can take what's said to him, provided no +affront's meant, with more good-humour than any man on earth." + +"Ay, that he can," cried O'Mooney: "he lends himself, like the whale, to +be tickled even by the fellow with the harpoon, till he finds what he is +about, and then he pays away, and pitches the fellow, boat and all, to +the devil. Ah, countryman! you would give me credit indeed for my good +humour if you knew what danger you have put me in by detecting me for an +Irishman. I have been found out six times, and if I blunder twice more +before twelve o'clock this night, I shall lose a hundred guineas by it: +but I will make sure of my bet; for I will go home straight this minute, +lock myself up in my room, and not say a word to any mortal till the +watchman cries 'past twelve o'clock,'--then the fast and long Lent of +my tongue will be fairly over; and if you'll meet me, my dear friend, at +the King's Arms, we will have a good supper and keep Easter for ever." + +Phelim, pursuant to his resolution, returned to his hotel, and shut +himself up in his room, where he remained in perfect silence and +consequent safety till about nine o'clock. Suddenly he heard a great +huzzaing in the street; he looked out of the window, and saw that all +the houses in the street were illuminated. His landlady came bustling +into his apartment, followed by waiters with candles. His spirits +instantly rose, though he did not clearly know the cause of the +rejoicings. "I give you joy, ma'am. What are you all illuminating for?" +said he to his landlady. + +"Thank you, sir, with all my heart. I am not sure. It is either for a +great victory or the peace. Bob--waiter--step out and inquire for the +gentleman." + +The gentleman preferred stepping out to inquire for himself. The +illuminations were in honour of the peace. He totally forgot his bet, +his silence, and his prudence, in his sympathy with the general joy. +He walked rapidly from street to street, admiring the various elegant +devices. A crowd was standing before the windows of a house that was +illuminated with extraordinary splendour. He inquired whose it was, and +was informed that it belonged to a contractor, who had made an immense +fortune by the war. + +"Then I'm sure these illuminations of his for the peace are none of the +most sincere," said O'Mooney. The mob were of his opinion; and Phelim, +who was now, alas! worked up to the proper pitch for blundering, added, +by way of pleasing his audience still more--"If this contractor had +_illuminated_ in character, it should have been with _dark lanterns_." + +"Should it? by Jasus! that would be an Irish illumination," cried some +one. "Arrah, honey! you're an Irishman, whoever you are, and have spoke +your mind in character." + +Sir John Bull was vexed that the piece of wit which he had aimed at the +contractor had recoiled upon himself. "It is always, as my countryman +observed, by having too much wit that I blunder. The deuce take me if +I sport a single bon mot more this night. This is only my seventh +detection, I have an eighth blunder still _to the good_; and if I can +but keep my wit to myself till I am out of purgatory, then I shall be in +heaven, and may sing Io Triumphe in spite of my brother." + +Fortunately, Phelim had not made it any part of his bet that he should +not speak to himself an Irish idiom, or that he should not _think_ a +bull. Resolved to be as obstinately silent as a monk of La Trappe, he +once more shut himself up in his cell, and fell fast asleep--dreamed +that fat bulls of Basan encompassed him round about--that he ran down +a steep bill to escape them--that his foot slipped--he rolled to the +bottom--felt the bull's horns in his side--heard the bull bellowing in +his--ears--wakened--and found Terence M'Dermod bellowing at his room +door. + +"Sir John Bull! Sir John Bull! murder! murder! my dear master, Sir John +Bull! murder, robbery, and reward! let me in! for the love of the Holy +Virgin! they are all after you!" + +"Who? are you drunk, Terence?" said Sir John, opening the door. + +"No, but they are mad--all mad." + +"Who?" + +"The constable. They are all mad entirely, and the lord mayor, all along +with your honour's making me swear I would not tell your name. Sure they +are all coming armed in a body to put you in jail for a forgery, unless +I run back and tell them the truth--will I?" + +"First tell me the truth, blunderer!" + +"I'll make my affidavit I never blundered, plase your honour, but just +went to the merchant's, as you ordered, with the draft, signed with the +name I swore not to utter till past twelve. I presents the draft, and +waits to be paid. 'Are you Mr. O'Mooney's servant?' says one of the +clerks after a while. 'No, sir, not at all, sir,' said I; 'I'm Sir John +Bull's, at your sarvice.' He puzzles and puzzles, and asks me did I +bring the draft, and was that your writing at the bottom of it? I still +said it was my master's writing, _Sir John Bull's_, and no other. They +whispered from one up to t'other, and then said it was a forgery, as I +overheard, and I must go before the mayor. With that, while the master, +who was called down to be examined as to his opinion, was putting on his +glasses to spell it out, I gives them, one and all, the slip, and whips +out of the street door and home to give your honour notice, and have +been breaking my heart at the door this half hour to make you hear--and +now you have it all." + +"I am in a worse dilemma now than when between the horns of the bull," +thought Sir John: "I must now either tell my real name, avow myself an +Irishman, and so lose my bet, or else go to jail." + +He preferred going to jail. He resolved to pretend to be dumb, and he +charged Terence not to betray him. The officers of justice came to take +him up: Sir John resigned himself to them, making signs that he could +not speak. He was carried before a magistrate. The merchant had never +seen Mr. Phelim O'Mooney, but could swear to his handwriting and +signature, having many of his letters and drafts. The draft in question +was produced. Sir John Bull would neither acknowledge nor deny +the signature, but in dumb show made signs of innocence. No art or +persuasion could make him speak; he kept his fingers on his lips. One +of the bailiffs offered to open Sir John's mouth. Sir John clenched his +hand, in token that if they used violence he knew his remedy. To +the magistrate he was all bows and respect: but the law, in spite of +civility, must take its course. + +Terence McDermod beat his breast, and called upon all the saints in the +Irish calendar when he saw the committal actually made out, and his dear +master given over to the constables. Nothing but his own oath and his +master's commanding eye, which was fixed upon him at this instant, +could have made him forbear to utter, what he had never in his life been +before so strongly tempted to tell--the truth. + +Determined to win his wager, our hero suffered himself to be carried to +a lock-up house, and persisted in keeping silence till the clock struck +twelve! Then the charm was broken, and he spoke. He began talking to +himself, and singing as loud as he possibly could. The next morning +Terence, who was no longer bound by his oath to conceal Phelim's name, +hastened to his master's correspondent in town, told the whole +story, and O'Mooney was liberated. Having won his bet by his wit +and steadiness, he had now the prudence to give up these adventuring +schemes, to which he had so nearly become a dupe; he returned +immediately to Ireland to his brother, and determined to settle +quietly to business. His good brother paid him the hundred guineas most +joyfully, declaring that he had never spent a hundred guineas better +in his life than in recovering a brother. Phelim had now conquered his +foolish dislike to trade: his brother took him into partnership, and +Phelim O'Mooney never relapsed into Sir John Bull. + + + + +CONCLUSION. + + +Unable any longer to support the tone of irony, we joyfully speak in our +own characters, and explicitly declare our opinion, that the Irish are +an ingenious, generous people; that the bulls and blunders of which they +are accused are often imputable to their neighbours, or that they are +justifiable by ancient precedents, or that they are produced by their +habits of using figurative and witty language. By what their good-humour +is produced we know not; but that it exists we are certain. In Ireland, +the countenance and heart expand at the approach of wit and humour: +the poorest labourer forgets his poverty and toil, in the pleasure of +enjoying a joke. Amongst all classes of the people, provided no malice +is obviously meant, none is apprehended. That such is the character of +the majority of the nation there cannot _to us_ be a more convincing and +satisfactory proof than the manner in which a late publication[64] was +received in Ireland. The Irish were the first to laugh at the caricature +of their ancient foibles, and it was generally taken merely as +good-humoured raillery, not as insulting satire. If gratitude for this +generosity has now betrayed us unawares into the language of panegyric, +we may hope for pardon from the liberal of both nations. Those who are +thoroughly acquainted with Ireland will most readily acknowledge the +justice of our praises; those who are ignorant of the country will not, +perhaps, be displeased to have their knowledge of the people of Ireland +extended. Many foreign pictures of Irishmen are as grotesque and absurd +as the Chinese pictures of lions: having never seen that animal, the +Chinese can paint him only from the descriptions of voyagers, which are +sometimes ignorantly, sometimes wantonly exaggerated. + +In Voltaire's Age of Lewis the Fourteenth we find the following +passage:--"Some nations seem made to be subject to others. The English +have always had over the Irish the superiority of genius, wealth, and +arms. The _superiority which the whites have over the negroes_." [65] +A note in a subsequent edition informs us, that the injurious +expression--"_The superiority which the whites have over the negroes,_" +was erased by Voltaire; and his editor subjoins his own opinion. "The +nearly savage state in which Ireland was when she was conquered, her +superstition, the oppression exercised by the English, the religious +fanaticism which divides the Irish into two hostile nations, such were +the causes which have held down this people in depression and weakness. +Religious hatreds are appeased, and this country has recovered her +liberty. The Irish no longer yield to the English, either in industry or +in information." [66] + +The last sentence of this note might, if it had reached the eyes or ears +of the incensed Irish historian, Mr. O'Halloran, have assuaged his wrath +against Voltaire for the unguarded expression in the text; unless +the amor patriae of the historian, like the amour propre of some +individuals, instead of being gratified by congratulations on their +improvement, should be intent upon demonstrating that there never was +anything to improve. As we were neither _born nor_ bred in Ireland, we +cannot be supposed to possess this amor patriae in its full force: +we profess to be attached to the country only for its merits; we +acknowledge that it is a matter of indifference to us whether the Irish +derive their origin from the Spaniards, or the Milesians, or the Welsh: +we are not so violently anxious as we ought to be to determine whether +or not the language spoken by the Phoenician slave, in Terence's play, +was Irish; nay, we should not break our hearts if it could never be +satisfactorily proved that Albion is only another name for Ireland.[67] +We moreover candidly confess that we are more interested in the fate +of the present race of its inhabitants than in the historian of St. +Patrick, St. Facharis, St. Cormuc; the renowned Brien Boru; Tireldach, +king of Connaught; M'Murrough, king of Leinster; Diarmod; Righ-Damnha; +Labra-Loing-seach; Tighermas; Ollamh-Foldha; the M'Giolla-Pha-draigs; or +even the great William of Ogham; and by this declaration we have no fear +of giving offence to any but rusty antiquaries. We think it somewhat, +more to the honour of Ireland to enumerate the names of some of the men +of genius whom she has produced: Milton and Shakspeare stand unrivalled; +but Ireland can boast of Usher, Boyle, Denham, Congreve, Molyneux, +Farquhar, Sir Richard Steele, Bickerstaff, Sir Hans Sloane, Berkeley, +Orrery, Parnell, Swift, T. Sheridan, Welsham, Bryan Robinson, Goldsmith, +Sterne, Johnsons[68], Tickel, Brooke, Zeland, Hussey Burgh, three +Hamiltons, Young, Charlemont, Macklin, Murphy, Mrs. Sheridan,[69] +Francis Sheridan, Kirwan, Brinsley Sheridan, and Burke. + +We enter into no invidious comparisons: it is our sincere wish to +conciliate both countries; and if in this slight essay we should succeed +in diffusing a more just and enlarged idea of the Irish than has +been generally entertained, we hope the English will deem it not an +unacceptable service. Whatever might have been the policy of the English +nation towards Ireland whilst she was a separate kingdom, since the +union it can no longer be her wish to depreciate the talents or ridicule +the language of Hibernians. One of the Czars of Russia used to take +the cap and bells from his fool, and place it on the head of any of +his subjects whom he wished to disgrace. The idea of extending such a +punishment to a whole nation was ingenious and magnanimous; but England +cannot now put it into execution towards Ireland. Would it not be a +practical bull to place the bells upon her own imperial head? + +1801. + + + + +APPENDIX. + + * * * * * + +The following collection of Foreign Bulls was given us by a man of +letters, who is now father of the French Academy. + + * * * * * + +RECUEIL DE BÊTISES. + +Toutes les nations ont des contes plaisans de bêtises échappées non +seulement à des personnes vraiment bêtes, mais aux distractions de gens +qui ne sont pas sans esprit. Les Italiens ont leurs _spropositi_, leur +arlequin ses balourdises, les Anglois leurs _blunders_, les Irlandois +leurs _bulls_. + +Mademoiselle Maria Edgeworth ayant fait un recueil de ces derniers, +je prends la liberté de lui offrir un petit recueil de nos bêtises qui +méritent le nom qu'elles portent aussi bien que les _Irish bulls_. J'ai +fait autrefois une dissertation où je recherchois quelle étoit la +cause du rire qu'excitent les bêtises, et dans laquelle j'appuyois mon +explication de beaucoup d'exemples et peut-être même du mien sans m'en +appercevoir; mais la femme d'esprit à qui j'ai adressé cette folie l'a +perdue, et je n'ai pas pu la recouvrir. + +Je me souviens seulement que j'y prouvois _savamment_ que le rire excité +par les bêtises est l'effet du contraste que nous saisissons entre +l'effort que fait l'homme qui dit la bêtise, et le mauvais succès de +son effort. J'assimilois la marche de l'esprit dans celui qui dit une +bêtise, à ce qui arrive à un homme qui cherchant à marcher légèrement +sur un pavé glissant, tombe lourdement, ou aux tours mal-adroits du +paillasse de la foire. Si l'on veut examiner les bêtises rassemblèes +ici, on y trouvera toujours un effort manqué de ce genre. + +Un homme, dont la femme avoit été saignée, interrogé le lendemain +pourquoi elle ne paroissoit pas à table, répondit:--"Elle garde la +chambre: Morand l'a saignée hier, et une saignée affoiblit beaucoup +quand elle est faite par un habile homme." + +M. de Baville, intendant du Languedoc, avoit un secrétaire fort bête: il +se servoit un jour de lui pour écrire au ministre sur des affaires très +importantes et dicta ces mots: "Ne soyez point surpris de ce que je me +sers d'une main étrangère pour vous écrire sur cet objet. Mon secrétaire +est si bête qu'à ce moment même il ne s'apperçoit pas que je vous parle +de lui." + +On demandoit à un abbé de Laval Montmorency quel âge avoit son frère le +maréchal dont il étoit l'aîné. "Dans deux ans," dit-il, "nous serons du +même âge." + +On se préparoit à observer une éclipse, et le roi devoit assister à +l'observation. M. de Jonville disoit à M. Cassini--"N'attendra-t-on pas +le roi pour commencer l'éclipse?" + +Une femme du peuple qui avoit une petite fille malade avec le transport +au cerveau, disoit au médecin, "Ah, monsieur, si vous l'aviez entendu +cette nuit! elle a déraisonnée comme une grande personne." + +Un homme avoit parié 25 louis qu'il traverseroit le grand bassin des +Thuileries par un froid très rigoureux; il alla jusqu'au milieu, renonça +à son entreprise, et revint par le même chemin en disant, "J'aime mieux +perdre vingt-cinq louis que d'avoir une fluxion de poitrine." + +Un homme voyoit venir de loin un médecin de sa connoissance qui l'avoit +traité plusieurs années auparavant dans une maladie; il se détourna, +et cacha son visage pour n'être pas reconnu. On lui demandoit, +"Pourquoi."--"C'est," dit-il, "que je suis honteux devant lui de ce +qu'il y a fort long temps que je n'ai été malade." + +On demande à un homme qui vouloit vendre un cheval, "Votre cheval est-il +peureux?" "Oh, point du tout," répond-il; "il vient de passer plusieurs +nuits tout seul dans son écurie." + +Dans une querelle entre un père et son fils, le père reprochoit à +celui-ci son ingratitude. "Je ne vous ai point d'obligations," disoit le +fils; "vous m'avez fait beaucoup de tort; si vous n'étiez point né, je +serois à présent l'héritier de mon grand-père." + +Un avare faisant son testament, se fit lui-même son héritier. + +Un homme voyoit un bateau si chargé que les bords en étoient à fleur +d'eau: "Ma foi," dit-il, "si la rivière étoit un peu plus haute le +bateau iroit à fond." + +M. Hume, dans son histoire d'Angleterre, parlant de la conspiration +attribuée aux Catholiques en 1678 sous Charles II. rapporte le mot d'un +chevalier Player qui félicitoit la ville des précautions qu'elle avoit +prises--"Et sans lesquelles," disoit-il, "tous les citoyens auroient +couru risque de se trouver égorgés le lendemain à leur réveil." + +Le maire d'une petite ville, entendant une querelle dans la rue au +milieu de la nuit, se lève du lit, et ouvrant la fenêtre, crie aux +passans, "Messieurs, me lèverai-je?" + +Un sot faisoit compliment à une demoiselle don't la mère venoit de +se marier en secondes noces avec un ancien ami de la +maison--"Mademoiselle," lui dit-il, "je suis ravi de ce que monsieur +votre père vient d'épouser madame votre mère." + +Racine, qui avoit été toute sa vie courtisan très attentif, étoit +enterré à Port Royal des Champs dont les solitaires s'étoient attirés +l'indignation de Louis XIV. M. de Boissy, célèbre par ses distractions, +disoit, "Racine n'auroit pas fait cela de son vivant." + +On racontait dans une conversation que Monsieur de Buffon avoit disséqué +une de ses cousines, et une femme se récrioit sur l'inhumanité de +l'anatomiste. M. de Mairan lui dit, "Mais, madame, elle étoit morte." + +On parloit avec admiration de la belle vieillesse d'un homme de +quatre-vingt dix ans, quelqu'un dit--"Cela vous étonne, messieurs; si +mon père n'étoit pas mort, il auroit à présent cent ans accomplis." + +Mouet, de l'opera comique, conte qu'arrivant de Lyon, et ne voulant +pas qu'on sut qu'il étoit à Paris, il recommanda à son laquais, supposé +qu'il fut rencontré, de dire qu'il étoit à Lyon. Le laquais trouve un +ami de son maitre, qui lui en demande des nouvelles. "Il est à Lyon," +dit-il, "et il ne sera de retour que la semaine prochaine." "Mais," +continue le questionneur, "que portez-vous là?" "Ce sont quelques +provisions qu'il m'a envoyé chercher pour son diner." + +Un homme examinoit un dessin représentant la coupe d'un vaisseau +construit en Hollande; quelqu'un lui dit, "Est-ce que monsieur entend le +Hollandois?" + +Un homme de loi disoit qu'on ne pouvait pas faire une stipulation +valable avec un muet. Un des écoutans lui dit, "Monsieur le docteur, et +avec un boiteux, seroit-elle bonne?" + +Un homme se plaignoit que la maison de son voisin lui ôtoit la vue d'une +de ses fenêtres; un autre lui dit, "Vous avez un remède; faites murer +cette fenêtre." + +Un homme ayarit écrit à sa maitresse, avoit glissé le billet sous la +porte, et puis s'avisant que la fille ne pourroit pas s'en appercevoir +il en écrivit un autre en ces termes, "J'ai mis un billet sous votre +porte; prenez-y garde quand vous sortirez." + +_Un homme étant sur le point de marier sa fille unique, se brouille avec +le prétendant, et dans sa colere il dit, "Non, monsieur, vous ne serez +jamais mon gendre, et quand j'aurois cent filles uniques, je ne vous en +donnerois pas une." + +On avoit reçu à la grande poste une lettre avec cette adresse, _à +Monsieur mon fils, Rue, &c_. On alloit la mettre au rebut; un commis s'y +oppose, et dit qu'on trouvera à qui la lettre s'adresse. Dix ou douze +jours se passent. On voit arriver un grand benêt, qui dit, "Messieurs, +je viens savoir si on n'auroit pas garde ici une lettre de mon cher +père?" "Oui, monsieur," lui dit le commis, "la voilà." On prête ce trait +à Bouret, fermier général. + +Milord Albemarle étant aux eaux d'Aix-la-Chapelle, et ne voulant pas +être connu, ordonna a un negre qui le servoit, si on lui demandoit qui +étoit son maitre, de dire qu'il étoit Frangois. On ne manqua pas de +faire la question an noir, qui répondit, "_Mon maître est Franpois, et +mot aussi_." + +Un marchand, en finissant d'écrire une lettre à un de ses correspondans, +mourut subitement. Son commis ajouta en P.S. "Depuis ma lettre écrite je +suis mort ce matin. Mardi an soir _7ème_," &c. + +Un petit marchand prétendoit avoir acheté trois sols ce qu'il vendoit +pour deux. On lui représente que ce commerce le ruinera--"Ah," dit-il, +"je me sauve sur la quantité." + +Le chevalier de Lorenzi, étant à Florence, étoit allé se promener avec +trois de ses amis à quelques lieues de la ville, à pied. Ils revenoient +fort las; la nuit approchoit; il veut se reposer: on lui dit qu'il +restoit quatres milles à faire--"Oh," dit-il, "nous sommes quatres; ce +n'est qu'un mille chacun." + +On pretend qu'un fermier général voulant s'éviter l'ennui ou s'épargner +les frais des lettres dont on l'accabloit au nouvel an, écrivoit au mois +de Décembre à tous les employés de son département qu'il les dispensoit +du cérémonial, et que ceux-ci lui réponderoient pour l'assurer qu'ils se +conformeroient à ses ordres. + +Maupertuis faisoit instruire un perroquet par son laquais, et vouloit +qu'on lui apprit des mots extraordinaires. Depuis deux ans le laquais, +enseignoit à l'animal à dire _monomotapa_, et le perroquet n'en disoit +que des syllabes séparées. Maupertuis faisoit des reproches au laquais; +"Oh, monsieur," dit celui-ci, "cela ne va pas si vîte; je lui ai d'abord +appris _mo_ et puis _no_." "Vous êtes un bête," dit Maupertuis, "il faut +lui dire le mot entier." "Monsieur," reprend le laquais, "il faut lui +donner le temps de comprendre." + +Il y a en Italien une lettre pleine de _spropositi_ assez plaisans. Un +homme écrit à son ami, "Abbiamo avuto un famosissimo tremoto, che se +per la misericordia de Dio avesse durato una mezza hora di piu, saremmo +tutti andati al paradiso, che Dio ce ne liberi. Vi mando quatordici +pere, e sono tutti boni cristiani. A questa fiéra i porci sono saliti al +cielo. O ricevete, o non ricevete questa, datemene aviso." + + + + +FOOTNOTES: + + +[24] Natural History, century iii. p. 191.--_Bacon produces it to show +that echoes will not readily return the letter S._. + +[25] "Un savant écrivoit à un ami, et un importun étoit à côté de lui, +qui regardoit par dessus l'épaule ce qu'il écrivoit. Le savant, qui s'en +apperçut, écrivit ceci à la place: 'Si un impertinent qui est à mon +côté ne regardoit pas ce que j'écris, je vous écrirois encore plusieurs +choses qui ne doivent être sues que de vous et de moi.' L'importun, +qui lisoit toujours, prit la parole et dit: 'Je vous jure que je n'ai +regardé ni lû ce que vous écriviez.' Le savant repartit, 'Ignorant, que +vous êtes, pourquoi me dites-vous done ce que vous dites?'" _Les Paroles +Remarquables des Orientaux; traduction de leurs ouvrages en Arabe, en +Persan, et en Turc (suivant la copie imprimée à Paris), à la Haye, +chez Louis et Henry Vandole, marchands libraires, dans le Pooten, à +l'enseigne du Port Royal, M.DC.XCIV._ + +[26] "Le bailli nous donne an diable, et nous nous recommandons à vous, +monseigneur." + +[27] On faisoit compliment à madame Denis de la façon dont elle venoit +de jouer Zaïre. "Il faudroit," dit elle, "être belle et jeune." "Ah, +madame!" reprit le complimenteur naïvement, "vous êtes bien la preuve du +contraire." + +[28] Locke's Essay concerning the Human Understanding, fifteenth edit. +vol. i. p. 292. + +[29] "De moi je commence à douter tout de ben. + Pourtant quand je me tâte, et quand je me rappelle, + Il me semble que je suis moi." + +[30] "So Indian murd'rers hope to gain + The powers and virtues of the slain, + Of wretches they destroy." + +[31] Vide Mémoires du Cardinal de Retz. + +[32] Vide Sir W. Hamilton's account of an eruption of Mount Vesuvius. + +[33] This fact, _we believe_, is mentioned in a letter of Mrs. Cappe's +on parish schools. + +[34] Vide Mrs. Piozzi's English Synonymy. + +[35] John Lydgate. + +[36] Iliad, 6th book, l. 432, Andromache says to Hector, "You will make +your son an orphan, and your wife a widow." + +[37] Lord Chesterfield. + +[38] Essay on Chemical Nomenclature, by S. Dickson, M.D.; in which +are comprised observations on the same subject, by R. Kirwan, Pres. +R.I.A,--Vide pages 21, 22, 23, &c. + +[39] This conjuror, whose name was Broadstreet, was a native of the +county of Longford, in Ireland: he by this hit pocketed 200_l._, and +proved himself to be more knave than fool. + +[40] A gripe or fast hold. + +[41] An oak stick, supposed to be cut from the famous wood of Shilala. + +[42] This is nearly verbatim from a late Irish complainant. + +[43] "Pleurez, pleurez, mes yeux, et fondez vous en eau, + La moitié de ma vie a mis l'autre au tombeau." + +[44] "Il pover uomo che non sen' era accorto, + Andava combattendo, ed erà morto." + +[45] See his account of the siege of Gibraltar. + +[46] Life of Hyder Ali Khan, vol. ii. p. 231. + +[47] See the advice of Cleomenes to Crius. HERODOTUS EBATO. + +[48] It is said that the waters of the Garonne are famed for a similar +virtue. + +[49] The stomach. + +[50] This ancient old man, we fear, was more knave than fool. History +informs us, that the Bishop of Rochester had diverted the revenue, +appropriated for keeping Sandwich harbour in repair, to the purpose of +building a steeple.--Vide Fuller's Worthies of England, page 65. + +[51] Baskets. + +[52] Vide Robertson's History of Scotland. + +[53] Slink calf. + +[54] This was written down a few minutes after it had been spoken. + +[55] James Adams, S.R.E.S., author of a book entitled, "The +Pronunciation of the English Language vindicated from imputed Anomaly +and Caprice; with an Appendix on the Dialects of Human Speech in all +Countries, and an analytical Discussion and Vindication of the Dialect +of Scotland." + +[56] Vide Illustrations on Sublimity, in his Essays. + +[57] The glossary to the Lancashire dialect informs us, that _'lieve me_ +comes from _beleemy_, believe me; from _belamy_, my good friend, _old +French_. + +[58] Gawmbling (_Anglo-Saxon_, gawmless), stupid. + +[59] "Every thing speaks against us, even our silence." + +[60] Lord Chatham. + +[61] Your hands alone have a right to conquer the unconquerable. + +[62] And when Caesar was the only emperor within the dominion of Rome, +he suffered me to be another. + +[63] This bull was really made. + +[64] Castle Rackrent. + +[65] Il y a des nations dont l'une semble faite pour être soumise à +l'autre. Les Anglois ont toujours eu sur les Irlandois la superiorite du +génie, des richesses, et des armes. _La supériorite que les blancs ont +sur les noirs_. + +[66] "On lisait dans les premières éditions, _la supèrioritè que les +blancs ont sur les négres_. M. de Voltaire effaça cette expression +injurieuse. L'état presque sauvage ou étoit l'Irlande lorsqu'elle fut +conquise, la superstition, l'oppression exercée par les Anglois, le +fanatisme religieux qui divise les Irlandois en deux nations ennemies, +telles sont les causes qui ont retenues ce peuple dans l'abaissement et +dans la foiblesse. Les haines religieuses se sont assoupies, et elle a +repris sa liberté. _Les Irlandois ne le cédent plus aux Anglois, ni en +industrie ni en lumières_." + +[67] See O'Halloran's History of Ireland. + +[68] Author of Chiysal, or Adventures of a Guinea. + +[69] Author of the beautiful moral tale Nourjahad. + + + + + + +AN ESSAY ON THE NOBLE SCIENCE OF SELF-JUSTIFICATION. + + * * * * * + + "For which an eloquence that aims _to vex_, + With native tropes of anger arms the _sex_."--_Parnell._ + + * * * * * + +Endowed as the fair sex indisputably are, with a natural genius for the +invaluable art of self-justification, it may not be displeasing to them +to see its rising perfection evinced by an attempt to reduce it to +a science. Possessed, as are all the fair daughters of Eve, of an +hereditary propensity, transmitted to them undiminished through +succeeding generations, to be "soon moved with slightest touch of +blame;" very little precept and practice will confirm them in the habit, +and instruct them in all the maxims of self-justification. + +Candid pupil, you will readily accede to my first and fundamental +axiom--that a lady can do no wrong. + +But simple as this maxim may appear, and suited to the level of the +meanest capacity, the talent of applying it on all the important, but +more especially on all the most trivial, occurrences of domestic life, +so as to secure private peace and public dominion, has hitherto been +monopolized by the female adepts in the art of self-justification. + +Excuse me for insinuating by this expression, that there may yet be +amongst you some novices. To these, if any such, I principally address +myself. + +And now, lest fired by ambition you lose all by aiming at too much, let +me explain and limit my first principle, "That you can do no wrong." You +must be aware that real perfection is beyond the reach of mortals, nor +would I have you aim at it; indeed it is not in any degree necessary +to our purpose. You have heard of the established belief in the +infallibility of the sovereign pontiff, which prevailed not many +centuries ago:--if man was allowed to be infallible, I see no reason +why the same privilege should not be extended to woman;--but times +have changed; and since the happy age of credulity is past, leave the +opinions of men to their natural perversity--their actions are the best +test of their faith. Instead then of a belief in your infallibility, +endeavour to enforce implicit submission to your authority. This will +give you infinitely less trouble, and will answer your purpose as well. + +Right and wrong, if we go to the foundation of things, are, as casuists +tell us, really words of very dubious signification, perpetually varying +with custom and fashion, and to be adjusted ultimately by no other +standards but opinion and force. Obtain power, then, by all means: +power is the law of man; make it yours. But to return from a frivolous +disquisition about right, let me teach you the art of defending the +wrong. After having thus pointed out to you the glorious end of your +labours, I must now instruct you in the equally glorious means. + +For the advantage of my subject I address myself chiefly to married +ladies; but those who have not as yet the good fortune to have that +common enemy, a husband, to combat, may in the mean time practise my +precepts upon their fathers, brothers, and female friends; with +caution, however, lest by discovering their arms too soon, they preclude +themselves from the power of using them to the fullest advantage +hereafter. I therefore recommend it to them to prefer, with a +philosophical moderation, the future to the present. + +Timid brides, you have, probably, hitherto been addressed as angels. +Prepare for the time when you shall again become mortal. Take the alarm +at the first approach of blame; at the first hint of a discovery that +you are any thing less than infallible:--contradict, debate, justify, +recriminate, rage, weep, swoon, do any thing but yield to conviction. + +I take it for granted that you have already acquired sufficient command +of voice; you need not study its compass; going beyond its pitch has a +peculiarly happy effect upon some occasions. But are you voluble enough +to drown all sense in a torrent of words? Can you be loud enough to +overpower the voice of all who shall attempt to interrupt or contradict +you? Are you mistress of the petulant, the peevish, and the sullen +tone? Have you practised the sharpness which provokes retort, and the +continual monotony which by setting your adversary to sleep effectually +precludes reply? an event which is always to be considered as decisive +of the victory, or at least as reducing it to a drawn battle:--you and +Somnus divide the prize. + +Thus prepared for an engagement, you will next, if you have not already +done it, study the weak part of the character of your enemy--your +husband, I mean: if he be a man of high spirit, jealous of command and +impatient of control, one who decides for himself, and who is little +troubled with the insanity of minding what the world says of him, you +must proceed with extreme circumspection; you must not dare to provoke +the combined forces of the enemy to a regular engagement, but harass him +with perpetual petty skirmishes: in these, though you gain little at +a time, you will gradually weary the patience, and break the spirit of +your opponent. If he be a man of spirit, he must also be generous; and +what man of generosity will contend for trifles with a woman who submits +to him in all affairs of consequence, who is in his power, who is weak, +and who loves him? + +"Can superior with inferior power contend?" No; the spirit of a lion is +not to be roused by the teasing of an insect. + +But such a man as I have described, besides being as generous as he +is brave, will probably be of an active temper: then you have an +inestimable advantage; for he will set a high value upon a thing +for which you have none--time; he will acknowledge the force of your +arguments merely from a dread of their length; he will yield to you +in trifles, particularly in trifles which do not militate against his +authority; not out of regard for you, but for his time; for what man can +prevail upon himself to debate three hours about what could be as well +decided in three minutes? + +Lest amongst infinite variety the difficulty of immediate selection +should at first perplex you, let me point out, that matters of _taste_ +will afford you, of all others, the most ample and incessant subjects +of debate. Here you have no criterion to appeal to. Upon the same +principle, next to matters of taste, points of opinion will afford +the most constant exercise to your talents. Here you will have an +opportunity of citing the opinions of all the living and dead you have +ever known, besides the dear privilege of repeating continually:--"Nay, +you must allow _that_." Or, "You can't deny this, for it's the universal +opinion--every body says so! every body thinks so! I wonder to hear +you express such an opinion! Nobody but yourself is of that way of +thinking!" with innumerable other phrases, with which a slight attention +to polite conversation will furnish you. This mode of opposing authority +to argument, and assertion to proof, is of such universal utility, that +I pray you to practise it. + +If the point in dispute be some opinion relative to your character or +disposition, allow in general, that "you are sure you have a great many +faults;" but to every specific charge reply, "Well, I am sure I don't +know, but I did not think _that_ was one of my faults! nobody ever +accused me of that before! Nay, I was always remarkable for the +contrary; at least before I was acquainted with you, sir: in my own +family I was always remarkable for the contrary: ask any of my own +friends; ask any of them; they must know me best." + +But if, instead of attacking the material parts of your character, your +husband should merely presume to advert to your manners, to some slight +personal habit which might be made more agreeable to him; prove, in the +first place, that it is his fault that it is not agreeable to him; ask +which is most to blame, "she who ceases to please, or he who ceases to +be pleased"[70]--His eyes are changed, or opened. But it may perhaps +have been a matter almost of indifference to him, till you undertook +its defence: then make it of consequence by rising in eagerness, +in proportion to the insignificance of your object; if he can draw +consequences, this will be an excellent lesson: if you are so tender of +blame in the veriest trifles, how impeachable must you be in matters of +importance! As to personal habits, begin by denying that you have any; +or in the paradoxical language of Rousseau,[71] declare that the only +habit you have is the habit of having none: as all personal habits, if +they have been of any long standing, must have become involuntary, +the unconscious culprit may assert her innocence without hazarding her +veracity. + +However, if you happen to be detected in the very fact, and a person +cries, "Now, now, you are doing it!" submit, but declare at the same +moment--"That it is the very first time in your whole life that you were +ever known to be guilty of it; and therefore it can be no habit, and of +course nowise reprehensible." + +Extend the rage for vindication to all the objects which the most +remotely concern you; take even inanimate objects under your protection. +Your dress, your furniture, your property, every thing which is or +has been yours, defend, and this upon the principles of the soundest +philosophy: each of these things all compose a part of your personal +merit (Vide Hume); all that connected the most distantly with your idea +gives pleasure or pain to others, becomes an object of blame or praise, +and consequently claims your support or vindication. + +In the course of the management of your house, children, family, and +affairs, probably some few errors of omission or commission may strike +your husband's pervading eye; but these errors, admitting them to +be errors, you will never, if you please, allow to be charged to any +deficiency in memory, judgment, or activity, on your part. + +There are surely people enough around you to divide and share the blame; +send it from one to another, till at last, by universal rejection, it +is proved to belong to nobody. You will say, however, that facts remain +unalterable; and that in some unlucky instance, in the changes and +chances of human affairs, you may be proved to have been to blame. Some +stubborn evidence may appear against you; still you may prove an alibi, +or balance the evidence. There is nothing equal to balancing evidence; +doubt is, you know, the most philosophic state of the human mind, and it +will be kind of you to keep your husband perpetually in this sceptical +state. + +Indeed the short method of denying absolutely all blameable facts, I +should recommend to pupils as the best; and if in the beginning of their +career they may startle at this mode, let them depend upon it that +in their future practice it must become perfectly familiar. The nice +distinction of simulation and dissimulation depends but on the trick +of a syllable; palliation and extenuation are universally allowable in +self-defence; prevarication inevitably follows, and falsehood "is but in +the next degree." + +Yet I would not destroy this nicety of conscience too soon. It may be +of use in your first setting out, because you must establish credit; +in proportion to your credit will be the value of your future +asseverations. + +In the mean time, however, argument and debate are allowed to the most +rigid moralist. You can never perjure yourself by swearing to a false +opinion. + +I come now to the art of reasoning: don't be alarmed at the name of +reasoning, fair pupils; I will explain to you my meaning. + +If, instead of the fiery-tempered being I formerly described, you should +fortunately be connected with a man, who, having formed a justly high +opinion of your sex, should propose to treat you as his equal, and who +in any little dispute which might arise between you, should desire no +other arbiter than reason; triumph in his mistaken candour, regularly +appeal to the decision of reason at the beginning of every contest, and +deny its jurisdiction at the conclusion. I take it for granted that you +will be on the wrong side of every question, and indeed, in general, I +advise you to choose the wrong side of an argument to defend; whilst you +are young in the science, it will afford the best exercise, and, as you +improve, the best display of your talents. + +If, then, reasonable pupils, you would succeed in argument, attend to +the following instructions. + +Begin by preventing, if possible, the specific statement of any +position, or if reduced to it, use the most general terms, and +take advantage of the ambiguity which all languages and which most +philosophers allow. Above all things, shun definitions; they will prove +fatal to you; for two persons of sense and candour, who define their +terms, cannot argue long without either convincing, or being convinced, +or parting in equal good-humour; to prevent which, go over and over the +same ground, wander as wide as possible from the point, but always with +a view to return at last precisely to the same spot from which you +set out. I should remark to you, that the choice of your weapons is +a circumstance much to be attended to: choose always those which your +adversary cannot use. If your husband is a man of wit, you will of +course undervalue a talent which is never connected with judgment: "for +your part, you do not presume to contend with him in wit." + +But if he be a sober-minded man, who will go link by link along the +chain of an argument, follow him at first, till he grows so intent that +he does not perceive whether you follow him or not; then slide back to +your own station; and when with perverse patience he has at last reached +the last link of the chain, with one electric shock of wit make him quit +his hold, and strike him to the ground in an instant. Depend upon the +sympathy of the spectators, for to one who can understand _reason_, you +will find ten who admire _wit._ + +But if you should not be blessed with "a ready wit," if demonstration +should in the mean time stare you in the face, do not be in the least +alarmed--anticipate the blow. Whilst you have it yet in your power, rise +with becoming magnanimity, and cry, "I give it up! I give it up! La! let +us say no more about it; I do so hate disputing about trifles. I give it +up!" Before an explanation on the word trifle can take place, quit the +room with flying colours. + +If you are a woman of sentiment and eloquence, you have advantages of +which I scarcely need apprize you. From the understanding of a man, you +have always an appeal to his heart, or, if not, to his affection, to +his weakness. If you have the good fortune to be married to a weak +man, always choose the moment to argue with him when you have a full +audience. Trust to the sublime power of numbers; it will be of use even +to excite your own enthusiasm in debate; then as the scene advances, +talk of his cruelty, and your sensibility, and sink with "becoming woe" +into the pathos of injured innocence. + +Besides the heart and the weakness of your opponent, you have still +another chance, in ruffling his temper; which, in the course of a long +conversation, you will have a fair opportunity of trying; and if--for +philosophers will sometimes grow warm in the defence of truth--if he +should grow absolutely angry, you will in the same proportion grow calm, +and wonder at his rage, though you well know it has been created by +your own provocation. The by-standers, seeing anger without any adequate +cause, will all be of your side. + +Nothing provokes an irascible man, interested in debate, and possessed +of an opinion of his own eloquence, so much as to see the attention of +his hearers go from him: you will then, when he flatters himself that +he has just fixed your eye with his _very best_ argument, suddenly grow +absent:--your house affairs must call you hence--or you have directions +to give to your children--or the room is too hot, or too cold--the +window must be opened--or door shut--or the candle wants snuffing. Nay, +without these interruptions, the simple motion of your eye may provoke +a speaker; a butterfly, or the figure in a carpet may engage your +attention in preference to him; or if these objects be absent, the +simply averting your eye, looking through the window in quest of outward +objects, will show that your mind has not been abstracted, and will +display to him at least your wish of not attending. He may, however, +possibly have lost the habit of watching your eye for approbation; then +you may assault his ear: if all other resources fail, beat with your +foot that dead march of the spirits, that incessant tattoo, which +so well deserves its name. Marvellous must be the patience of the +much-enduring man whom some or other of these devices do not provoke: +slight causes often produce great effects; the simple scratching of a +pick-axe, properly applied to certain veins in a mine, will cause the +most dreadful explosions. + +Hitherto we have only professed to teach the defensive; let me now +recommend to you the offensive part of the art of justification. As a +supplement to reasoning comes recrimination: the pleasure of proving +that you are right is surely incomplete till you have proved that your +adversary is wrong; this might have been a secondary, let it now become +a primary object with you; rest your own defence on it for further +security: you are no longer to consider yourself as obliged either to +deny, palliate, argue, or declaim, but simply to justify yourself by +criminating another; all merit, you know, is judged of by comparison. In +the art of recrimination, your memory will be of the highest service to +you; for you are to open and keep an account-current of all the faults, +mistakes, neglects, unkindnesses of those you live with; these you are +to state against your own: I need not tell you that the balance will +always be in your favour. In stating matters or opinion, produce the +words of the very same person which passed days, months, years before, +in contradiction to what he is then saying. By displacing, disjointing +words and sentences, by mis-understanding the whole, or quoting only a +part of what has been said, you may convict any man of inconsistency, +particularly if he be a man of genius and feeling; for he speaks +generally from the impulse of the moment, and of all others can the +least bear to be charged with paradoxes. So far for a husband. + +Recriminating is also of sovereign use in the quarrels of friends; +no friend is so perfectly equable, so ardent in affection, so nice in +punctilio, as never to offend: then "Note his faults, and con them all +by rote." Say you can forgive, but you can never forget; and surely +it is much more generous to forgive and remember, than to forgive and +forget. On every new alarm, call the unburied ghosts from former fields +of battle; range them in tremendous array, call them one by one to +witness against the conscience of your enemy, and ere the battle is +begun take from him all courage to engage. + +There is one case I must observe to you in which recrimination +has peculiar poignancy. If you have had it in your power to confer +obligations on any one, never cease reminding them of it: and let them +feel that you have acquired an indefeasible right to reproach them +without a possibility of their retorting. It is a maxim with some +sentimental people, "To treat their servants as if they were their +friends in distress."--I have observed that people of this cast make +themselves amends, by treating their friends in distress as if they were +their servants. + +Apply this maxim--you may do it a thousand ways, especially in company. +In general conversation, where every one is supposed to be on a footing, +if any of your humble companions should presume to hazard an opinion +contrary to yours, and should modestly begin with, "I think;" look as +the man did when he said to his servant, "You think, sir--what business +have you to think?" + +Never fear to lose a friend by the habits which I recommend: +reconciliations, as you have often heard it said--reconciliations are +the cement of friendship; therefore friends should quarrel to strengthen +their attachment, and offend each other for the pleasure of being +reconciled. + +I beg pardon for digressing: I was, I believe, talking of your husband, +not of your friend--I have gone far out of the way. + +If in your debates with your husband you should want "eloquence to +vex him," the dull prolixity of narration, joined to the complaining +monotony of voice which I formerly recommended, will supply its place, +and have the desired effect: Somnus will prove propitious; then, +ever and anon as the soporific charm begins to work, rouse him with +interrogatories, such as, "Did not you say so? Don't you remember? Only +answer me that!" + +By-the-by, interrogatories artfully put may lead an unsuspicious +reasoner, you know, always to your own conclusion. + +In addition to the patience, philosophy, and other good things which +Socrates learned from his wife, perhaps she taught him this mode of +reasoning. + +But, after all, the precepts of art, and even the natural susceptibility +of your tempers, will avail you little in the sublime of our science, if +you cannot command that ready enthusiasm which will make you enter into +the part you are acting; that happy imagination which shall make you +believe all you fear and all you invent. + +Who is there amongst you who cannot or who will not justify when they +are accused? Vulgar talent! the sublime of our science is to justify +before we are accused. There is no reptile so vile but what will turn +when it is trodden on; but of a nicer sense and nobler species are those +whom nature has endowed with antennas, which perceive and withdraw +at the distant approach of danger. Allow me another allusion: similes +cannot be crowded too close for a female taste; and analogy, I have +heard, my fair pupils, is your favourite mode of reasoning. + +The sensitive plant is too vulgar an allusion; but if the truth of +modern naturalists may be depended upon, there is a plant which, instead +of receding timidly from the intrusive touch, angrily protrudes its +venomous juices upon all who presume to meddle with it:--do not you +think this plant would be your fittest emblem? + +Let me, however, recommend it to you, nice souls, who, of the mimosa +kind, "fear the dark cloud, and feel the coming storm," to take the +utmost precaution lest the same susceptibility which you cherish as +the dear means to torment others should insensibly become a torment to +yourselves. + +Distinguish then between sensibility and susceptibility; between the +anxious solicitude not to give offence, and the captious eagerness +of vanity to prove that it ought not to have been taken; distinguish +between the desire of praise and the horror of blame: can any two things +be more different than the wish to improve, and the wish to demonstrate +that you have never been to blame? + +Observe, I only wish you to distinguish these things in your own minds; +I would by no means advise you to discontinue the laudable practice of +confounding them perpetually in speaking to others. + +When you have nearly exhausted human patience in explaining, justifying, +vindicating; when, in spite of all the pains you have taken, you have +more than half betrayed your own vanity; you have a never-failing +resource, in paying tribute to that of your opponent, as thus:-- + +"I am sure you must be sensible that I should never take so much pains +to justify myself if I were indifferent to your opinion.--I know that I +ought not to disturb myself with such trifles; but nothing is a trifle +to me which concerns you. I confess I am too anxious to please; I +know it's a fault, but I cannot cure myself of it now.--Too quick +sensibility, I am conscious, is the defect of my disposition; it would +be happier for me if I could be more indifferent, I know." + +Who could be so brutal as to blame so amiable, so candid a creature? Who +would not submit to be tormented with kindness? + +When once your captive condescends to be flattered by such arguments as +these, your power is fixed; your future triumphs can be bounded only by +your own moderation; they are at once secured and justified. + +Forbear not, then, happy pupils; but, arrived at the summit of power, +give a full scope to your genius, nor trust to genius alone: to exercise +in all its extent your privileged dominion, you must acquire, or rather +you must pretend to have acquired, infallible skill in the noble art +of physiognomy; immediately the thoughts as well as the words of your +subjects are exposed to your inquisition. + +Words may flatter you, but the countenance never can deceive you; the +eyes are the windows of the soul, and through them you are to watch what +passes in the inmost recesses of the heart. There, if you discern the +slightest ideas of doubt, blame, or displeasure; if you discover the +slightest symptoms of revolt, take the alarm instantly. Conquerors must +maintain their conquests; and how easily can they do this, who hold +a secret correspondence with the minds of the vanquished! Be your own +spies then; from the looks, gestures, slightest motions of your enemies, +you are to form an alphabet, a language intelligible only to yourselves, +yet by which you shall condemn them; always remembering that in sound +policy suspicion justifies punishment. In vain, when you accuse your +friends of the high treason of blaming you, in vain let them plead their +innocence, even of the intention. "They did not say a word which could +be tortured into such a meaning." No, "but they looked daggers, though +they used none." + +And of this you are to be the sole judge, though there were fifty +witnesses to the contrary. + +How should indifferent spectators pretend to know the countenance +of your friend as well as you do--you, that have a nearer, a dearer +interest in attending to it? So accurate have been your observations, +that no thought of their souls escapes you; nay, you often can tell even +what they are going to think of. + +The science of divination certainly claims your attention; beyond the +past and the present, it shall extend your dominion over the future; +from slight words, half-finished sentences, from silence itself, you +shall draw your omens and auguries. + +"I know what you were going to say;" or, "I know such a thing was a sign +you were inclined to be displeased with me." + +In the ardour of innocence, the culprit, to clear himself from such +imputations, incurs the imputation of a greater offence. Suppose, to +prove that you were mistaken, to prove that he could not have meant to +blame you, he should declare that at the moment you mention, "You were +quite foreign to his thoughts; he was not thinking at all about you." + +Then in truth you have a right to be angry. To one of your class of +justificators, this is the highest offence. Possessed as you are of +the firm opinion that all persons, at all times, on all occasions, are +intent upon you alone, is it not less mortifying to discover that +you were thought ill of, than that you were not thought of at all? +"Indifference, you know, sentimental pupils, is more fatal to love than +even hatred." + +Thus, my dear pupils, I have endeavoured to provide precepts adapted to +the display of your several talents; but if there should be any amongst +you who have no talents, who can neither argue nor persuade, who +have neither sentiment nor enthusiasm, I must indeed--congratulate +them;--they are peculiarly qualified for the science of +Self-justification: indulgent nature, often even in the weakness, +provides for the protection of her creatures; just Providence, as the +guard of stupidity, has enveloped it with the impenetrable armour of +obstinacy. + +Fair idiots! let women of sense, wit, feeling, triumph in their various +arts: yours are superior. Their empire, absolute as it sometimes may be, +is perpetually subject to sudden revolutions. With them, a man has some +chance of equal sway: with a fool he has none. Have they hearts and +understandings? Then the one may be touched, or the other in some +unlucky moment convinced; even in their very power lies their greatest +danger:--not so with you. In vain let the most candid of his sex attempt +to reason with you; let him begin with, "Now, my dear, only listen to +reason:"--you stop him at once with, "No, my dear, you know I do not +pretend to reason; I only say, that's my opinion." + +Let him go on to prove that yours is a mistaken opinion:--you are ready +to acknowledge it long before he desires it. "You acknowledge it may be +a wrong opinion; but still it is your opinion." You do not maintain it +in the least, either because you believe it to be wrong or right, +but merely because it is yours. Exposed as you might have been to the +perpetual humiliation of being convinced, nature seems kindly to +have denied you all perception of truth, or at least all sentiment of +pleasure from the perception. + +With an admirable humility, you are as well contented to be in the wrong +as in the right; you answer all that can be said to you with a provoking +humility of aspect. + +"Yes; I do not doubt but what you say may be very true, but I cannot +tell; I do not think myself capable of judging on these subjects; I am +sure you must know much better than I do. I do not pretend to say but +that your opinion is very just; but I own I am of a contrary way of +thinking; I always thought so, and I always shall." + +Should a man with persevering temper tell you that he is ready to adopt +your sentiments if you will only explain them; should he beg only to +have a reason for your opinion--no, you can give no reason. Let him urge +you to say something in its defence:--no; like Queen Anne,[72] you will +only repeat the same thing over again, or be silent. Silence is the +ornament of your sex; and in silence, if there be not wisdom, there is +safety. You will, then, if you please, according to your custom, +sit listening to all entreaties to explain, and speak--with a fixed +immutability of posture, and a pre-determined deafness of eye, +which shall put your opponent utterly out of patience; yet still by +persevering with the same complacent importance of countenance, you +shall half persuade people you could speak if you would; you shall keep +them in doubt by that true want of meaning, "which puzzles more than +wit;" even because they cannot conceive the excess of your stupidity, +they shall actually begin to believe that they themselves are stupid. +Ignorance and doubt are the great parents of the sublime. + +Your adversary, finding you impenetrable to argument, perhaps would try +wit:--but, "On the impassive ice the lightnings play." His eloquence +or his kindness will avail less; when in yielding to you after a long +harangue, he expects to please you, you will answer undoubtedly with the +utmost propriety, "That you should be very sorry he yielded his judgment +to you; that he is very good; that you are much obliged to him; but +that, as to the point in dispute, it is a matter of perfect indifference +to you; for your part, you have no choice at all about it; you beg that +he will do just what he pleases; you know that it is the duty of a wife +to submit; but you hope, however, you may have an _opinion_ of your +own." + +Remember, all such speeches as these will lose above half their effect, +if you cannot accompany them with the vacant stare, the insipid smile, +the passive aspect of the humbly perverse. + +Whilst I write, new precepts rush upon my recollection; but the subject +is inexhaustible. I quit it with regret, though fully sensible of my +presumption in having attempted to instruct those who, whilst they read, +will smile in the consciousness of superior powers. Adieu! then, my fair +readers: long may you prosper in the practice of an art peculiar to your +sex! Long may you maintain unrivalled dominion at home and abroad; and +long may your husbands rue the hour when first they made you promise +_"to obey!"_ + +[_Written in 1787--published in 1795._] + + + + +FOOTNOTES: + + +[70] Marmontel. + +[71] Emilius and Sophia. + +[72] Vide Duchess of Marlborough's Apology. + + + + + + +TALES OF FASHIONABLE LIFE. + + + Tutta la gente in lieta fronte udiva + Le graziose e finte istorielle, + Ed Ì difetti altrui tosto scopriva + Ciascuno, e non i proprj espressi in quelle; + O se de' proprj sospettava, ignoti + Credeali a ciascun altro, e a se sol noti. + + + +PREFACE + + +My daughter asks me for a Preface to the following volumes; from a +pardonable weakness she calls upon me for parental protection: but, in +fact, the public judges of every work, not from the sex, but from the +merit of the author. + +What we feel, and see, and hear, and read, affects our conduct from the +moment when we begin, till the moment when we cease to think. It has +therefore been my daughter's aim to promote, by all her writings, the +progress of education from the cradle to the grave. + +Miss Edgeworth's former works consist of tales for children--of stories +for young men and women--and of tales suited to that great mass which +does not move in the circles of fashion. The present volumes are +intended to point out some of those errors to which the higher classes +of society are disposed. + +All the parts of this series of moral fictions bear upon the faults and +excellencies of different ages and classes; and they have all arisen +from that view of society which we have laid before the public in more +didactic works on education. In the PARENT'S ASSISTANT, in MORAL and +in POPULAR TALES, it was my daughter's aim to exemplify the principles +contained in PRACTICAL EDUCATION. In these volumes, and in others which +are to follow, she endeavours to disseminate, in a familiar form, some +of the ideas that are unfolded in ESSAYS ON PROFESSIONAL EDUCATION. + +The first of these stories is called + +ENNUI.--The causes, curses, and cure of this disease are exemplified, +I hope, in such a manner, as not to make the remedy worse than the +disease. Thiebauld tells us, that a prize-essay on Ennui was read to the +Academy of Berlin, which put all the judges to sleep. + +THE DUN--is intended as a lesson against the common folly of believing +that a debtor is able, by a few cant phrases, to alter the nature of +right and wrong. We had once thoughts of giving to these books the title +of FASHIONABLE TALES: alas! the Dun could never have found favour with +fashionable readers. + +MANOEUVRING--is a vice to which the little great have recourse, to show +their second-rate abilities. Intrigues of gallantry upon the continent +frequently lead to political intrigue: amongst us the attempts +to introduce this _improvement_ of our manners have not yet been +successful; but there are, however, some, who, in every thing they say +or do, show a predilection for "left-handed wisdom." It is hoped +that the picture here represented of a _manoeuvrer_ has not been made +alluring. + +ALMERIA--gives a view of the consequences which usually follow the +substitution of the gifts of fortune in the place of merit; and shows +the meanness of those who imitate manners and haunt company above their +station in society. + +Difference of rank is a continual excitement to laudable emulation; but +those who consider the being admitted into circles of fashion as the +summit of human bliss and elevation, will here find how grievously such +frivolous ambition may be disappointed and chastised. + +I may be permitted to add a word on the respect with which Miss +Edgeworth treats the public--their former indulgence has not made her +careless or presuming. The dates subjoined to these stories show that +they have not been hastily intruded upon the reader. + +RICHARD LOVELL EDGEWORTH. + +Edgeworthstown, + +March, 1809. + + + + +ENNUI; OR, MEMOIRS OF THE EARL OF GLENTHORN. + + * * * * * + +"'Que faites-vous à Potzdam?' demandois-je un jour an prince Guillaume. +'Monsieur,' me répondit-il, 'nous passons notre vie à conjuguer tous le +même verbe; _Je m'ennuie, tu t'ennuies, il s'ennuie, nous nous ennuyons, +vous vous ennuyez, ils s'ennuient; je m'ennuyois, je m'ennuierai,_'" &c. + +THIEBAULD, Mém. de Frédéric le Grand. + + * * * * * + +CHAPTER I. + + +Bred up in luxurious indolence, I was surrounded by friends who seemed +to have no business in this world but to save me the trouble of thinking +or acting for myself; and I was confirmed in the pride of helplessness +by being continually reminded that I was the only son and heir of the +Earl of Glenthorn. My mother died a few weeks after I was born; and +I lost my father when I was very young. I was left to the care of a +guardian, who, in hopes of winning my affection, never controlled my +wishes or even my whims: I changed schools and masters as often as I +pleased, and consequently learned nothing. At last I found a private +tutor who suited me exactly, for he was completely of my own opinion, +"that every thing which the young Earl of Glenthorn did not know by the +instinct of genius was not worth his learning." Money could purchase a +reputation for talents, and with money I was immoderately supplied; +for my guardian expected to bribe me with a part of my own fortune, +to forbear inquiring what had become of a certain deficiency in +the remainder. This tacit compact I perfectly understood: we were +consequently on the most amicable terms imaginable, and the most +confidential; for I thought it better to deal with my guardian than with +Jews. Thus at an age when other young men are subject to some restraint, +either from the necessity of their circumstances, or the discretion of +their friends, I became completely master of myself and of my fortune. +My companions envied me; but even their envy was not sufficient to make +me happy. Whilst yet a boy, I began to feel the dreadful symptoms of +that mental malady which baffles the skill of medicine, and for which +wealth can purchase only temporary alleviation. For this complaint +there is no precise English name; but, alas! the foreign term is now +naturalized in England. Among the higher classes, whether in the wealthy +or the fashionable world, who is unacquainted with _ennui_? At first I +was unconscious of being subject to this disease; I felt that something +was the matter with me, but I did not know what: yet the symptoms were +sufficiently marked. I was afflicted with frequent fits of fidgeting, +yawning, and stretching, with a constant restlessness of mind and body; +an aversion to the place I was in, or the thing I was doing, or rather +to that which was passing before my eyes, for I was never doing +any thing; I had an utter abhorrence and an incapacity of voluntary +exertion. Unless roused by external stimulus, I sank into that kind of +apathy, and vacancy of ideas, vulgarly known by the name of _a brown +study_. If confined in a room for more than half an hour by bad weather +or other contrarieties, I would pace backwards and forwards, like the +restless _cavia_ in his den, with a fretful, unmeaning pertinacity. I +felt an insatiable longing for something new, and a childish love of +locomotion. + +My physician and my guardian, not knowing what else to do with me, sent +me abroad. I set out upon my travels in my eighteenth year, attended by +my favourite tutor as my _companion_. We perfectly agreed in our ideas +of travelling; we hurried from place to place as fast as horses and +wheels, and curses and guineas, could carry us. Milord Anglois rattled +over half the globe without getting one inch farther from his ennui. +Three years were to be consumed before I should be of age. What sums did +I spend during this interval in expedition-money to Time! but the more +I tried to hasten him, the slower the rogue went. I lost my money and my +temper. + +At last the day for which I had so long panted arrived--I was +twenty-one! and I took possession of my estate. The bells rang, the +bonfires blazed, the tables were spread, the wine flowed, huzzas +resounded, friends and tenants crowded about me, and nothing but the +voice of joy and congratulation was to be heard. The bustle of my +situation kept me awake for some weeks; the pleasure of property was +new, and, as long as the novelty lasted, delightful. I cannot say that +I was satisfied; but my mind was distended by the sense of the magnitude +of my possessions. I had large estates in England; and in one of +the remote maritime counties of Ireland, I was lord over an immense +territory, annexed to the ancient castle of Glenthorn;--a noble pile of +antiquity! worth ten degenerate castles of modern days. It was placed in +a bold romantic situation: at least as far as I could judge of it by +a picture, said to be a striking likeness, which hung in my hall at +Sherwood Park in England. I was born in Ireland, and nursed, as I was +told, in an Irish cabin: for my father had an idea that this would make +me hardy; he left me with my Irish nurse till I was two years old, and +from that time forward neither he nor I ever revisited Ireland. He had +a dislike to that country, and I grew up in his prejudices. I declared +that I would always reside in England. Sherwood Park, my English +country-seat, had but one fault, it was completely finished. The house +was magnificent, and in the modern taste; the furniture fashionably +elegant, and in all the gloss of novelty. Not a single luxury omitted; +not a fault could be found by the most fastidious critic. My park, my +grounds, displayed all the beauties of nature and of art, judiciously +combined. Majestic woods, waving their dark foliage, overhung----But +I will spare my readers the description, for I remember falling asleep +myself whilst a poet was reading to me an ode on the beauties of +Sherwood Park. These beauties too soon became familiar to my eye; and +even the idea of being the proprietor of this enchanting place soon +palled upon my vanity. Every casual visitor, all the strangers, even +the common people, who were allowed once a week to walk in my +pleasure-grounds, enjoyed them a thousand times more than I could. I +remember, that, about six weeks after I came to Sherwood Park, I one +evening escaped from the crowds of _friends_ who filled my house, to +indulge myself in a solitary, melancholy walk. I saw at some distance +a party of people, who were coming to admire the place; and to avoid +meeting them I took shelter under a fine tree, the branches of which, +hanging to the ground, concealed me from the view of passengers. Thus +seated, I was checked in the middle of a desperate yawn, by hearing one +among the party of strangers exclaiming-- + +"How happy the owner of this place must be!" + +Yes, had I known how to enjoy the goods of life, I might have been +happy; but want of occupation, and antipathy to exertion, rendered me +one of the most miserable men upon earth. Still I imagined that the +cause of my discontent proceeded from some external circumstance. Soon +after my coming of age, business of various sorts required my attention; +papers were to be signed, and lands were to be let: these things +appeared to me terrible difficulties. Not even that minister of state, +who so feelingly describes his horror at the first appearance of the +secretary with the great portfolio, ever experienced sensations so +oppressive as mine were, when my steward began to talk to me of my own +affairs. In the peevishness of my indolence, I declared that I thought +the pains overbalanced the pleasures of property. Captain Crawley, +a friend--a sort of a friend--a humble companion of mine, a gross, +unblushing, thorough-going flatterer, happened to be present when I made +this declaration: he kindly undertook to stand between me and the shadow +of trouble. I accepted this offer. + +"Ay, Crawley," said I, "do see and settle with these people." + +I had not the slightest confidence in the person into whose hands, to +save myself from the labour of thinking, I thus threw all my affairs; +but I satisfied my understanding, by resolving that, when I should have +leisure, I would look out for an agent upon whom I could depend. + +I had now been nearly two months at Sherwood Park; too long a time, I +thought, to remain in any place, and I was impatient to get away. My +steward, who disliked the idea of my spending my summers at home, +found it easy to persuade me that the water on my estate had a brackish +unwholesome taste. The man who told me this stood before me in perfect +health, though he had drunk this insalubrious water all his life: but it +was too laborious a task for my intellects to compare the evidence of +my different senses, and I found it most easy to believe what I heard, +though it was in direct opposition to what I saw. Away I hurried to a +_watering-place_, after the example of many of my noble contemporaries, +who leave their delightful country-seats, to pay, by the inch, for being +squeezed up in lodging-houses, with all imaginable inconvenience, during +the hottest months in summer. I whiled away my time at Brighton, cursing +the heat of the weather, till the winter came, and then cursing the +cold, and longing for the London winter. + +The London winter commenced; and the young Earl of Glenthorn, and +his entertainments, and his equipages, and extravagance, were the +conversation of all the world, and the joy of the newspapers. The +immense cost of the fruit at my desserts was recorded; the annual +expense of the vast nosegays of hot-house flowers worn daily by the +footmen who clung behind my coach was calculated; the hundreds of wax +lights, which burned nightly in my house, were numbered by the idle +admirers of folly; and it was known by every body that Lord Glenthorn +suffered nothing but wax to be burned in his stables; that his servants +drank nothing but claret and champagne; that his liveries, surpassing +the imagination of ambassadors, vied with regal magnificence, whilst +their golden trappings could have stood even the test of Chinese +curiosity. My coachmaker's bill for this year, if laid before the +public, would amuse and astonish sober-minded people, as much as +some charges which have lately appeared in our courts of justice for +_extraordinary coaches_, and _very extraordinary landaus_. I will not +enter into the detail of my extravagance in minor articles of expense; +these, I thought, could never be felt by such a fortune as that of the +Earl of Glenthorn; but, for the information of those who have the same +course to run or to avoid, I should observe, that my diurnal visits to +jewellers' shops amounted, in time, to sums worth mentioning. Of the +multitude of baubles that I bought, the rings, the seals, the chains, +I will give no account; it would pass the belief of man, and the +imagination of woman. Those who have the least value for their time have +usually the greatest number of watches, and are the most anxious about +the exactness of their going. I and my repeaters were my own plagues, +and the profit of all the fashionable watchmakers, whose shops I +regularly visited for a _lounge_. My history, at this period, would be a +complete _lounger's journal_; but I will spare my readers this diary. +I wish, however, as I have had ample experience, to impress it on the +minds of all whom it may concern, that a lounger of fortune _must_ be +extravagant. I went into shops merely to pass an idle hour, but I could +not help buying something; and I was ever at the mercy of tradesmen, +who took advantage of my indolence, and who thought my fortune +inexhaustible. I really had not any taste for expense; but I let all who +dealt with me, especially my servants, do as they pleased, rather than +be at the trouble of making them do as they ought. They assured me, that +Lord Glenthorn must have such and such things, and must do so and so; +and I quietly submitted to this imaginary necessity. + +All this time I was the envy of my acquaintance; but I was more +deserving of their compassion. Without anxiety or exertion, I possessed +every thing they wanted; but then I had no motive--I had nothing to +desire. I had an immense fortune, and I was the Earl of Glenthorn: my +title and wealth were sufficient distinctions; how could I be anxious +about my boots, or the cape of my coat, or any of those trifles which so +happily interest and occupy the lives of fashionable young men, who have +not the misfortune to possess large estates? Most of my companions +had some real or imaginary grievance, some old uncle or father, some +_cursed_ profession to complain of; but I had none. They had hopes and +fears; but I had none. I was on the pinnacle of glory, which they were +endeavouring to reach; and I had nothing to do but to sit still, and +enjoy the barrenness of the prospect. + +In this recital I have communicated, I hope, to my readers some portion +of that ennui which I endured; otherwise they cannot form an adequate +idea of my temptation to become a gambler. I really had no vice, nor any +of those propensities which lead to vice; but ennui produced most of +the effects that are usually attributed to strong passions or a vicious +disposition. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + + "O! ressource assurée, + Viens ranimer leur langueur desoeuvrée: + Leur âme vide est du moins amusée + Par l'avarice en plaisir deguisée." + +Gaming relieved me from that insuperable listlessness by which I was +oppressed. I became interested--I became agitated; in short, I found a +new kind of stimulus, and I indulged in it most intemperately. I grew +immoderately fond of that which supplied me with sensations. My days and +nights were passed at the gaming-table. I remember once spending three +days and three nights in the hazard-room of a well-known house in St. +James's-street: the shutters were closed, the curtains down, and we had +candles the whole time; even in the adjoining rooms we had candles, that +when our doors were opened to bring in refreshments, no obtrusive gleam +of daylight might remind us how the hours had passed. How human nature +supported the fatigue, I know not. We scarcely allowed ourselves a +moment's pause to take the sustenance our bodies required. At last, +one of the markers, who had been in the room with us the whole time, +declared that he could hold out no longer, and that sleep he must. With +difficulty he obtained an hour's truce: the moment he got out of the +room he fell asleep, absolutely at the very threshold of our door. By +the rules of the house he was entitled to a bonus on every transfer of +property at the hazard-table; and he had made, in the course of these +three days, upwards of three hundred pounds. Sleep and avarice had +struggled to the utmost, but, with his vulgar habits, sleep prevailed. +We were wide awake. I shall never forget the figure of one of my noble +associates, who sat holding his watch, his eager eyes fixed upon the +minute-hand, whilst he exclaimed continually, "This hour will never be +over!" Then he listened to discover whether his watch had stopped; then +cursed the lazy fellow for falling asleep, protesting that, for his +part, he never would again consent to such waste of time. The very +instant the hour was ended, he ordered "_that dog_" to be awakened, and +to work we went. At this sitting 35,000_l._ were lost and won. I was +very fortunate, for I lost a mere trifle--ten thousand pounds; but I +could not expect to be always so lucky.--Now we come to the old story +of being ruined by play. My English John o'-the-Scales warned me that he +could _advance_ no more money; my Irish agent, upon whom my drafts had +indeed been unmerciful, could not _oblige_ me any longer, and he threw +up his agency, after having made his fortune at my expense. I railed, +but railing would not pay my debts of honour. I inveighed against my +grandfather for having tied me up so tight; I could neither mortgage nor +sell: my Irish estate would have been sold instantly, had it not been +settled upon a Mr. Delamere. The pleasure of abusing him, whom I had +never seen, and of whom I knew nothing but that he was to be my heir, +relieved me wonderfully. He died, and left only a daughter, a mere +child. My chance of possessing the estate in fee-simple increased: I +sold this increased value to the Jews, and gamed on. Miss Delamere, some +time afterwards, had the smallpox. Upon the event of her illness I laid +bets to an amazing amount. + +She recovered. No more money could be raised, and my debts were to be +paid. In this dilemma I recollected that I once had a guardian, and that +I had never settled accounts with him. Crawley, who continued to be my +factotum and flatterer in ordinary and extraordinary, informed me, upon +looking over these accounts, that there was a mine of money due to +me, if I could but obtain it by law or equity. To law I went: and the +anxiety of a lawsuit might have, in some degree, supplied the place of +gambling, but that all my business was managed for me by Crawley, and I +charged him never to mention the subject to me till a verdict should be +obtained. + +A verdict was obtained against me. It was proved in open court, by my +own witnesses, that I was a fool; but as no judge, jury, or chancellor, +could believe that I was so great a fool as my carelessness indicated, +my guardian stood acquitted in equity of being so great a rogue as he +really was. What was now to be done? I saw my doom. As a highwayman +knows that he must come to the gallows at last, and acts accordingly, +so a fashionably extravagant youth knows that, sooner or later, he must +come to matrimony. No one could have more horror of this catastrophe +than I felt; but it was in vain to oppose my destiny. My opinion of +women had been formed from the commonplace jests of my companions, and +from my own acquaintance with the worst part of the sex. I had never +felt the passion of love, and, of course, believed it to be something +that might have existed in former ages, but that it was in our days +quite obsolete, at least, among the _knowing_ part of the world. In my +imagination young women were divided into two classes; those who were to +be purchased, and those who were to purchase. Between these two classes, +though the division was to be marked externally by a certain degree of +ceremony, yet I was internally persuaded that there was no essential +difference. In my feelings towards them there was some distinction; of +the first class I was tired, and of the second I was afraid. Afraid! +Yes--afraid of being taken in. With these fears, and these sentiments, +I was now to choose a wife. I chose her by the numeration table: Units, +tens, hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands. I +was content, in the language of the newspapers, _to lead to the Hymeneal +altar_ any fashionable fair one whose fortune came under the sixth place +of figures. No sooner were my _dispositions_ known than the friends of a +young heiress, who wanted to purchase a coronet, settled a match between +us. My bride had one hundred wedding-dresses, elegant as a select +committee of dress-makers and milliners, French and English, could +devise. The least expensive of these robes, as well as I remember, cost +fifty guineas: the most admired came to about five hundred pounds, and +was thought, by the best judges in these matters, to be wonderfully +cheap, as it was of lace such as had never before been trailed in +English dust, even by the lady of a nabob. These things were shown in +London as a _spectacle_ for some days, by the dress-maker, who declared +that she had lost many a night's rest in contriving how to make such +a variety of dresses sufficiently magnificent and _distinguished_. +The jewellers also requested and obtained permission to exhibit the +different sets of jewels: these were so numerous that Lady Glenthorn +scarcely knew them all. One day, soon after her marriage, somebody at +court, observing that her diamonds were prodigiously fine, asked where +she bought them. "Really," said she, "I cannot tell. I have so many +sets, I declare I don't know whether _it's_ my Paris, or my Hamburgh, or +my London set." + +Poor young creature! I believe her chief idea of happiness in marriage +was the possession of the jewels and paraphernalia of a countess--I +am sure it was the only hope she could have, that was likely to be +realized, in marrying me. I thought it manly and fashionable to be +indifferent, if not contemptuous to my wife: I considered her only as an +incumbrance, that I was obliged to take along with my fortune. Besides +the disagreeable ideas generally connected with the word _wife_, I had +some peculiar reasons for my aversion to my Lady Glenthorn. Before her +friends would suffer me to take possession of her fortune, they required +from me a solemn oath against gambling: so I was compelled to abjure the +hazard-table and the turf, the only two objects in life that could keep +me awake. This extorted vow I set down entirely to my bride's account; +and I therefore became even more averse to her than men usually are +who marry for money. Yet this dislike subsided. Lady Glenthorn was only +childish--I, of an easy temper. I thought her ridiculous, but it was too +much trouble to tell her so continually. I let the occasions pass, and +even forgot her ladyship, when she was not absolutely in my way. She +was too frivolous to be hated, and the passion of hatred was not to be +easily sustained in my mind. The habit of ennui was stronger than all my +passions put together. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + + "Or realize what we think fabulous, + I' th' bill of fare of Eliogabalus." + +After my marriage, my old malady rose to an insupportable height. The +pleasures of the table were all that seemed left to me in life. Most +of the young men of any _ton_, either were, or pretended to be, +_connoisseurs_ in the science of good eating. Their _talk_ was of sauces +and of cooks, what dishes each cook was famous for; whether his _forte_ +lay in white sauces or brown, in soups, _lentilles, fricandeaus, +bechemele, matelotes, daubes_, &c. Then the history and genealogy of the +cooks came after the discussion of the merit of the works; whom my +Lord C----'s cook lived with formerly--what my Lord D---- gave his +cook--where they met with these great geniuses, &c. I cannot boast that +our conversation at these select dinners, from which the ladies were +excluded, was very entertaining; but true good eaters detest wit at +dinner-time, and sentiment at all times. I think I observed that amongst +these cognoscenti there was scarcely one to whom the delicacy of taste +did not daily prove a source of more pain than pleasure. There was +always a cruel something that spoiled the rest; or if the dinner were +excellent, beyond the power of the most fastidious palate to condemn, +yet there was the hazard of being placed far from the favourite dish, or +the still greater danger of being deputed to carve at the head or foot +of the table. How I have seen a heavy nobleman of this set dexterously +manoeuvre to avoid the dangerous honour of carving a haunch of venison! +"But, good Heavens!" said I, when a confidential whisper first pointed +out this to my notice, "why does he not like to carve?--he would have +it in his power to help himself to his mind, which nobody else can do so +well."--"No! if he carve, he must give the _nice bits_ to others; every +body here understands them as well as he--each knows what is upon his +neighbour's plate, and what ought to be there, and what must be in the +dish." I found that it was an affair of calculation--a game at which +nobody can cheat without being discovered and disgraced. I emulated, and +soon equalled my experienced friends. I became a perfect epicure, +and gloried in the character, for it could be supported without any +intellectual exertion, and it was fashionable. I cannot say that I could +ever eat as much as some of my companions. One of them I once heard +exclaim, after a monstrous dinner, "I wish my digestion were equal to my +appetite." I would not be thought to exaggerate, therefore I shall not +recount the wonders I have seen performed by these capacious heroes +of the table. After what I have beheld, to say nothing of what I have +achieved, I can believe any thing that is related of the capacity of the +human stomach. I can credit even the account of the dinner which Madame +de Bavière affirms she saw eaten by Lewis the Fourteenth; _viz_. "quatre +assiettes de différentes soupes; un faisan tout entier; un perdrix; une +grande assiette pleine de salade; du mouton coupé dans son jus avec de +l'ail; deux bons morceaux de jambon; une assiette pleine de patisserie! +du fruit et des confitures!" Nor can I doubt the accuracy of the +historian, who assures us that a Roman emperor,[73] one of the most +moderate of those imperial gluttons, _took_ for his breakfast, 500 figs, +100 peaches, 10 melons, 100 beccaficoes, and 400 oysters. + +Epicurism was scarcely more prevalent during the decline of the Roman +empire than it is at this day amongst some of the wealthy and noble +youths of Britain. Not one of my select dinner-party but would have been +worthy of a place at the _turbot consultation_ immortalized by the Roman +satirist. A friend of mine, a bishop, one day went into his kitchen, to +look at a large turbot, which the cook was dressing. The cook had found +it so large that he had cut off the fins: "What a shame!" cried the +bishop; and immediately calling for the cook's apron, he spread it +before his cassock, and actually sewed the fins again to the turbot with +his own episcopal hands. + +If I might judge from my own experience, I should attribute fashionable +epicurism in a great measure to ennui. Many affect it, because they have +nothing else to do; and sensual indulgences are all that exist for those +who have not sufficient energy to enjoy intellectual pleasures. I dare +say, that if Heliogabalus could be brought in evidence in his own case, +and could be made to understand the meaning of the word ennui, he would +agree with me in opinion, that it was the cause of half his vices. His +offered reward for the discovery of a new pleasure is stronger evidence +than any confession he could make. I thank God that I was not born +an emperor, or I might have become a monster. Though not in the least +inclined to cruelty, I might have acquired the taste for it, merely for +desire of the emotion which real tragedies excite. Fortunately, I was +only an earl and an epicure. + +My indulgence in the excesses of the table injured my health; violent +bodily exercise was necessary to counteract the effects of intemperance. +It was my maxim, that a man could never eat or drink too much, if +he would but take exercise enough. I killed fourteen horses,[74] and +survived; but I grew tired of killing horses, and I continued to eat +immoderately. I was seized with a nervous complaint, attended with +extreme melancholy. Frequently the thoughts of putting an end to my +existence occurred; and I had many times determined upon the means; but +very small and apparently inadequate and ridiculous motives, prevented +the execution of my design. Once I was kept alive by a _piggery_, which +I wanted to see finished. Another time, I delayed destroying myself, +till a statue, which I had just purchased at a vast expense, should be +put up in my Egyptian _salon_. By the awkwardness of the unpacker, the +statue's thumb was broken. This broken thumb saved my life; it converted +ennui into anger. Like Montaigne and his sausage, I had now something to +complain of, and I was happy. But at last my anger subsided, the thumb +would serve me no longer as a subject of conversation, and I relapsed +into silence and black melancholy. I was "a'weary of the sun;" my old +thoughts recurred. At this time I was just entering my twenty-fifth +year. Rejoicings were preparing for my birthday. My Lady Glenthorn had +prevailed upon me to spend the summer at Sherwood Park, because it was +new to her. She filled the house with company and noise; but this only +increased my discontent. My birthday arrived--I wished myself dead--and +I resolved to shoot myself at the close of the day. I put a pistol into +my pocket, and stole out towards the evening, unobserved by my jovial +companions. Lady Glenthorn and her set were dancing, and I was tired of +these sounds of gaiety. I took the private way to the forest, which was +near the house; but one of my grooms met me with a fine horse, which +an old tenant had just sent as a present on my birthday. The horse +was saddled and bridled; the groom held the stirrup, and up I got. The +fellow told me the private gate was locked, and I turned as he pointed +to go through the grand entrance. At the outside of the gate sat upon +the ground, huddled in a great red cloak, an old woman, who started up +and sprang forwards the moment she saw me, stretching out her arms and +her cloak with one and the same motion. + +"Ogh! is it you I see?" cried she, in a strong Irish tone. + +At this sound and this sight, my horse, that was shy, backed a little. I +called to the woman to stand out of my way. + +"Heaven bless your sweet face! I'm the nurse that suckled _yees_ when +ye was a baby in Ireland. Many's the day I've been longing to see you," +continued she, clasping her hands, and standing her ground in the middle +of the gateway, regardless of my horse, which I was pressing forward. + +"Stand out of the way, for God's sake, my good woman, or I shall +certainly ride over you. So! so! so!" said I, patting my restless horse. + +"Oh! he's only shy, God bless him! he's as _quite_ now as a lamb; and +kiss one or other of _yees_, I must," cried she, throwing her arms about +the horse's neck. + +The horse, unaccustomed to this mode of salutation, suddenly plunged, +and threw me. My head fell against the pier of the gate. The last sound +I heard was the report of a pistol; but I can give no account of what +happened afterwards. I was stunned by my fall, and senseless. When I +opened my eyes, I found myself stretched on one of the cushions of +my landau, and surrounded by a crowd of people, who seemed to be all +talking at once: in the buzz of voices I could not distinguish any thing +that was said, till I heard Captain Crawley's voice above the rest, +saying, + +"Send for a surgeon instantly: but it's all over! it's all over! Take +the body the back way to the banqueting-house; I must run to Lady +Glenthorn." + +I perceived that they thought me dead. I did not at this moment feel +that I was hurt. I was curious to know what they would all do; so I +closed my eyes again before any one perceived that I had opened them. +I lay motionless, and they proceeded with me, according to Captain +Crawley's orders, to the banqueting-house. When we arrived there, my +servants laid me on one of the Turkish sofas; and the crowd, after +having satisfied their' curiosity, dropped off one by one, till I was +left with a single footman and my steward. + +"I don't believe he's quite dead," said the footman, "for his heart +beats." + +"Oh, he's the same as dead, for he does not stir hand or foot, and his +skull, they say, is fractured for certain; but it will all be seen when +the surgeon comes. I am sure he will never do. Crawley will have every +thing his own way now, and I may as well decamp." + +"Ay; and among them," said the footman, "I only hope I may get my +wages." + +"What a fool that Crawley made of my lord!" said the steward. + +"What a fool my lord made of himself," said the footman, "to be ruled, +and let all his people be ruled, by such an upstart! With your leave, +Mr. Turner, I'll just run to the house to say one word to James, and be +back immediately." + +"No, no, you must stay, Robert, whilst I step home to lock my places, +before Crawley begins to rummage." + +The footman was now left alone with me. Scarcely had the steward been +gone two minutes, when I heard a low voice near me saying, in a tone of +great anxiety, "Is he dead?" + +I half opened my eyes to see who it was that spoke. The voice came from +the door which was opposite to me; and whilst the footman turned his +back, I raised my head, and beheld the figure of the old woman, who +had been the cause of my accident. She was upon her knees on the +threshold--her arms crossed over her breast. I never shall forget her +face, it was so expressive of despair. + +"Is he dead?" she repeated. + +"I tell you yes," replied the footman. + +"For the love of God, let me come in, if he is here," cried she. + +"Come in, then, and stay here whilst I run to the house." [75] + +The footman ran off; and my old nurse, on seeing me, burst into an agony +of grief. I did not understand one word she uttered, as she spoke in her +native language; but her lamentations went to my heart, for they came +from hers. She hung over me, and I felt her tears dropping upon my +forehead. I could not refrain from whispering, "Don't cry--I am alive." + +"Blessings on him!" exclaimed she, starting back: she then dropped down +on her knees to thank God. Then calling me by every fondling name that +nurses use to their children, she begged my forgiveness, and alternately +cursed herself and prayed for me. + +The strong affections of this poor woman touched me more than any thing +I had ever yet felt in my life; she seemed to be the only person upon +earth who really cared for me; and in spite of her vulgarity, and my +prejudice against the tone in which she spoke, she excited in my mind +emotions of tenderness and gratitude. "My good woman, if I live, I will +do something for you: tell me what I can do," said I. "Live! live! God +bless you, live; that's all in the wide world I want of you, my jewel; +and, till you are well, let me watch over you at nights, as I used to do +when you were a child, and I had you in my arms all to myself, dear." + +Three or four people now ran into the room, to get before Captain +Crawley, whose voice was heard at this instant at a distance. I had only +time to make the poor woman understand that I wished to appear to be +dead; she took the hint with surprising quickness. Captain Crawley came +up the steps, talking in the tone of a master to the steward and people +who followed. + +"What is this old hag doing here? Where is Robert? Where is Thomas? +I ordered them to stay till I came. Mr. Turner, why did not you stay? +What! has not the coroner been here yet? The coroner must see the body, +I tell you. Good God! What a parcel of blockheads you all are! How +many times must I tell you the same thing? Nothing can be done till the +coroner has seen him; then we'll talk about the funeral, Mr. Turner--one +thing at a time. Every thing shall be done properly, Mr. Turner. Lady +Glenthorn trusts every thing to me--Lady Glenthorn wishes that I should +order every thing." + +"To be sure--no doubt--very proper--I don't say against that." + +"But," continued Crawley, turning towards the sofa upon which I lay, and +seeing Ellinor kneeling beside me, "what keeps this old Irish witch here +still? What business have you here, pray; and who are you, or what are +you?" + +"Plase your honour, I was his nurse formerly, and so had a nat'ral +longing to see him once again before I would die." + +"And did you come all the way from Ireland on this wise errand?" + +"Troth I did--every inch of the way from his own sweet place." + +"Why, you are little better than a fool, I think," said Crawley. + +"Little better, plase your honour; but I was always so about them +_childer_ that I nursed." + +"_Childer_! Well, get along about your business now; you see your +nursing is not wanted here." + +"I'll not stir out of this, while he is here," said my nurse, catching +hold of the leg of the sofa, and clinging to it. + +"You'll not stir, you say," cried Captain Crawley: "Turn her out!" + +"Oh, sure you would not have the cru'lty to turn his old nurse out +before he's even _cowld_. And won't you let me see him buried?" + +"Out with her! out with her! the old Irish hag! We'll have no howling +here. Out with her, John!" said Crawley to my groom. + +The groom hesitated, I fancy; for Crawley repeated the order more +imperiously: "Out with her! or go yourself." + +"May be it's you that will go first yourself," said she. + +"Go first myself!" cried Captain Crawley, furiously: "Are you insolent +to _me_?" + +"And are not you cru'l to me, and to my child I nursed, that lies all +as one as dead before you, and was a good friend to you in his day, no +doubt?" + +Crawley seized hold of her: but she resisted with so much energy, that +she dragged along with her the sofa to which she clung, and on which I +lay. + +"Stop!" cried I, starting up. There was sudden silence. I looked round, +but could not utter another syllable. Now, for the first time, I was +sensible that I had been really hurt by the fall. My head grew giddy, +and my stomach sick. I just saw Crawley's fallen countenance, and him +and the steward looking at one another; they were like hideous faces in +a dream. I sunk back. + +"Ay, lie down, my darling; don't be disturbing yourself for such as +them," said my nurse. "Let them do what they will with me; it's little +I'd care for them, if you were but once in safe hands." + +I beckoned to the groom, who had hesitated to turn out Ellinor, and +bid him go to the housekeeper, and have me put to bed. "She," added I, +pointing to my old nurse, "is to sit up with me at night." It was all I +could say. What they did with me afterwards, I do not know; but I was +in my bed, and a bandage was round my temples, and my poor nurse was +kneeling on one side of the bed, with a string of beads in her hand; and +a surgeon and physician, and Crawley and my Lady Glenthorn were on the +other side, whispering together. The curtain was drawn between me +and them; but the motion I made on wakening was instantly observed by +Crawley, who immediately left the room. Lady Glenthorn drew back my +curtain, and began to ask me how I did: but when I fixed my eyes upon +her, she sunk upon the bed, trembling violently, and could not finish +her sentence. I begged her to go to rest, and she retired. The physician +ordered that I should be kept quiet, and seemed to think I was in +danger. I asked what was the matter with me? and the surgeon, with a +very grave face, informed me that I had an ugly contusion on my head. +I had heard of a concussion of the brain; but I did not know distinctly +what it was, and my fears were increased by my ignorance. The life +which, but a few hours before, I had been on the point of voluntarily +destroying, because it was insupportably burdensome, I was now, the +moment it was in danger, most anxious to preserve; and the interest +which I perceived others had in getting rid of me, increased my desire +to recover. My recovery was, however, for some time doubtful. I was +seized with a fever, which left me in a state of alarming debility. +My old nurse, whom I shall henceforward call by her name of Ellinor, +attended me with the most affectionate solicitude during my illness;[76] +she scarcely stirred from my bedside, night or day; and, indeed, when +I came to the use of my senses, she was the only person whom I really +liked to have near me. I knew that she was sincere; and, however +unpolished her manners, and however awkward her assistance, the +good-will with which it was given, made me prefer it to the most +delicate and dexterous attentions which I believed to be interested. The +very want of a sense of propriety, and the freedom with which she talked +to me, regardless of what was suited to her station, or due to my rank, +instead of offending or disgusting me, became agreeable; besides, the +novelty of her dialect, and of her turn of thought, entertained me as +much as a sick man could be entertained. I remember once her telling me, +that, "if it _plased_ God, she would like to die on a Christmas-day, of +all days; _because_ the gates of Heaven, they say, will be open all that +day; and who knows but a body might slip in _unknownst?_" When she sat +up with me at nights she talked on eternally; for she assured me there +was nothing like talking, as she had found, to put one _asy asleep_. I +listened or not, just as I liked; _any way_ she was _contint_. She +was inexhaustible in her anecdotes of my ancestors, all tending to the +honour and glory of the family; she had also an excellent memory for all +the insults, or traditions of insults, which the Glenthorns had received +for many ages back, even to the times of the old kings of Ireland; long +and long before they stooped to be _lorded_; when their "names, which it +was a pity and a murder, and moreover a burning shame, to change, was, +O'Shaughnessy." She was well-stored with histories of Irish and Scotish +chiefs. The story of O'Neill, the Irish blackbeard, I am sure I ought to +remember, for Ellinor told it to me at least six times. Then she had a +large assortment of fairies and _shadowless_ witches, and _banshees_; +and besides, she had legions of spirits and ghosts, and haunted castles +without end, my own castle of Glenthorn not excepted, in the description +of which she was extremely eloquent; she absolutely excited in my mind +some desire to see it. For many a long year, she said, it had been her +nightly prayer, that she might live to see me in my own castle; and +often and often she was coming over to England to tell me so, only +her husband, as long as he lived, would not let her set out on what he +called a fool's errand: but it pleased God to take him to himself last +fair day, and then she resolved that nothing should hinder her to be +with her own child against his birthday: and now, could she see me in +my own Castle Glenthorn, she would die _contint_--and what a pity but I +should be in it! I was only a lord, as she said, in England; but I could +be all as one as a king in Ireland. + +Ellinor impressed me with the idea of the sort of feudal power I should +possess in my vast territory, over tenants who were almost vassals, and +amongst a numerous train of dependents. We resist the efforts made by +those who, we think, exert authority or employ artifice to change our +determinations; whilst the perverse mind insensibly yields to those who +appear not to have power, or reason, or address, sufficient to obtain +a victory. I should not have heard any human being with patience try +to persuade me to go to Ireland, except this ignorant poor nurse, who +spoke, as I thought, merely from the instinct of affection to me and to +her native country. I promised her that I would, _some time or other_, +visit Glenthorn Castle: but this was only a vague promise, and it was +but little likely that it should be accomplished. As I regained my +strength, my mind turned, or rather was turned, to other thoughts. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +One morning--it was the day after my physicians had pronounced me out of +all danger--Crawley sent me a note by Ellinor, congratulating me upon my +recovery, and begging to speak to me for half an hour. I refused to see +him; and said, that I was not yet well enough to do business. The same +morning Ellinor came with a message from Turner, my steward, who, with +his humble duty, requested to see me for five minutes, to communicate to +me something of importance. I consented to see Turner. He entered with a +face of suppressed joy and affected melancholy. + +"Sad news I am bound in duty to be the bearer of, my lord. I was +determined, whatever came to pass, however, not to speak till your +honour was out of danger, which, I thank Heaven, is now the case, and I +am happy to be able to congratulate your lordship upon looking as well +as--" + +"Never mind my looks. I will excuse your congratulations, Mr. Turner," +said I, impatiently; for the recollection of the banqueting-house, and +the undertaker whom Turner was so eager to introduce, came full into my +mind. "Go on, if you please; five minutes is all I am at present able +to give to any business, and you sent me word you had something of +importance to communicate." + +"True, my lord; but in case your lordship is not at present well enough, +or not so disposed, I will wait your lordship's leisure." + +"Now or never, Mr. Turner. Speak, but speak at once." + +"My lord, I would have done so long ago, but was loth to make mischief; +and besides, could not believe what I heard whispered, and would scarce +believe what I verily saw; though now, as I cannot reasonably have a +doubt, I think it would be a sin, and a burden upon my conscience, not +to speak; only that I am unwilling to shock your lordship too much, when +but just recovering, for that is not the time one would wish to tell or +to hear disagreeable things." + +"Mr. Turner, either come to the point at once, or leave me; for I am not +strong enough to bear this suspense." + +"I beg pardon, my lord: why then, my lord, the point is Captain +Crawley." + +"What of him? I never desire to hear his name again." + +"Nor I, I am sure, my lord; but there are some in the house might not be +of our opinion." + +"Who? you sneaking fellow; speak out, can't you?" + +"My lady--my lord--Now it is out. She'll go off with him this night, if +not prevented." + +My surprise and indignation were as great as if I had always been the +fondest and the most attentive of husbands. I was at length roused from +that indifference and apathy into which I had sunk; and though I had +never loved my wife, the moment I knew she was lost to me for ever was +exquisitely painful. Astonishment, the sense of disgrace, the feeling of +rage against that treacherous parasite by whom she had been seduced, all +combined to overwhelm me. I could command my voice only enough to bid +Turner leave the room, and tell no one that he had spoken to me on this +subject. "Not a soul," he said, "should be told, or could guess it." + +Left to my own reflections, as soon as the first emotions of anger +subsided, I blamed myself for my conduct to Lady Glenthorn. I considered +that she had been married to me by her friends, when she was too young +and too childish to judge for herself; that from the first day of our +marriage I had never made the slightest effort to win her affections, +or to guide her conduct; that, on the contrary, I had shown her marked +indifference, if not aversion. With fashionable airs, I had professed, +that provided she left me at liberty to spend the large fortune which +she brought me, and in consideration of which she enjoyed the title +of Countess of Glenthorn, I cared for nothing farther. With the +consequences of my neglect I now reproached myself in vain. Lady +Glenthorn's immense fortune had paid my debts, and had for two years +supplied my extravagance, or rather my indolence: little remained, +and she was now, in her twenty-third year, to be consigned to public +disgrace, and to a man whom I knew to be destitute of honour and +feeling. I pitied her, and resolved to go instantly and make an effort +to save her from destruction. + +Ellinor, who watched all Crawley's motions, informed me, that he was +gone to a neighbouring town, and had left word that he should not be +home till after dinner. Lady Glenthorn was in her dressing-room, which +was at a part of the house farthest from that which I now inhabited. I +had never left my room since my illness, and had scarcely walked +farther than from my bed to my arm-chair; but I was so much roused by +my feelings at this instant, that, to Ellinor's great astonishment, I +started from my chair, and, forbidding her to follow me, walked without +any assistance along the corridor, which led to the back-stairs, and +to Lady Glenthorn's apartment. I opened the private door of her +dressing-room suddenly--the room was in great disorder--her woman was +upon her knees packing a trunk: Lady Glenthorn was standing at a table, +with a parcel of open letters before her, and a diamond necklace in her +hand. She started at the sight of me as if she had beheld a ghost: the +maid screamed, and ran to a door at the farther end of the room, to make +her escape, but that was bolted. Lady Glenthorn was pale and motionless, +till I approached; and then, recollecting herself, she reddened all +over, and thrust the letters into her table-drawer. Her woman, at the +same instant, snatched a casket of jewels, swept up in her arms a heap +of clothes, and huddled them all together into the half-packed trunk. + +"Leave the room," said I to her sternly. She locked the trunk, pocketed +the key, and obeyed. + +I placed a chair for Lady Glenthorn, and sat down myself. We were almost +equally unable to stand. We were silent for some moments. Her eyes +were fixed upon the ground, and she leaned her head upon her hand in an +attitude of despair. I could scarcely articulate; but making an effort +to command my voice, I at last said-- + +"Lady Glenthorn, I blame myself more than you for all that has +happened." + +"For what?" said she, making a feeble attempt at evasion, yet at the +same time casting a guilty look towards the drawer of letters. + +"You have nothing to conceal from me," said I. + +"Nothing!" said she, in a feeble voice. + +"Nothing," said I; "for I know every thing"--she started--"and am +willing to pardon every thing." + +She looked up in my face astonished. "I am conscious," continued I, +"that you have not been well treated by me. You have had much reason +to complain of my neglect. To this I attribute your error. Forget the +past--I will set you the example. Promise me never to see the man more, +and what has happened shall never be known to the world." + +She made me no answer, but burst into a flood of tears. She seemed +incapable of decision, or even of thought. I felt suddenly inspired with +energy. + +"Write this moment," continued I, placing a pen and ink before her, +"write to forbid him ever to return to this house, or ever more to +appear in your presence. If he should appear in mine, I know how +to chastise him, and to vindicate my own honour. To preserve your +reputation, I refrain, upon these conditions, from making my contempt of +him public." + +I put a pen into Lady Glenthorn's hand; but she trembled so that she +could not write. She made several ineffectual attempts, then tore the +paper; and again giving way to tears, exclaimed, "I cannot write--I +cannot think--I do not know what to say. Write what you will, and I will +sign it." + +"I write to Captain Crawley! Write what _I_ will! Lady Glenthorn, it +must be your will to write, not mine. If it be not your will, say so." + +"Oh! I do not say so--I do not say _that_. Give me a moment's time. I do +not know what I say. I have been very foolish--very wicked. You are very +good--but it is too late: it will all be known. Crawley will betray me; +he will tell it to Mrs. Mattocks: so whichever way I turn, I am undone. +Oh! what _will_ become of me?" + +She wrung her hands and wept, and was for an hour in this state, in +all the indecision and imbecility of a child. At last, she wrote a few +scarcely legible lines to Crawley, forbidding him to see or think of +her more. I despatched the note, and she was full of penitence, and +gratitude, and tears. The next morning, when I wakened, I in my turn +received a note from her ladyship. + +"Since I saw you, Captain Crawley has convinced me that I am his wife, +_in the eye of Heaven_, and I therefore desire a divorce, as much as +your _whole conduct_, since my marriage, convinces me _you_ must in your +_heart_, whatever may be your motives to _pretend_ otherwise. Before you +receive this I shall be _out of your way_ and _beyond your reach_; so do +not think of pursuing one who is no longer, + +"Yours, + +"A. CRAWLEY." + +After reading this note, I thought not of pursuing or saving Lady +Glenthorn. I was as anxious for a divorce as she could be. Some months +afterwards the affair was brought to a public trial. When the cause +came on, so many circumstances were brought in mitigation of damages, +to prove my utter carelessness respecting my wife's conduct, that a +suspicion of collusion arose. From this imputation I was clear in the +opinion of all who really knew me; and I repelled the charge publicly, +with a degree of indignation that surprised all who knew the usual +apathy of my temper. I must observe, that during the whole time my +divorce-bill was pending, and whilst I was in the greatest possible +anxiety, my health was perfectly good. But no sooner was the affair +settled, and a decision made in my favour, than I relapsed into my old +nervous complaints. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + + "'Twas doing nothing was his curse;-- + Is there a vice can plague us worse? + The wretch who digs the mine for bread, + Or ploughs, that others may be fed, + Feels less fatigue than that decreed + To him who cannot think or read." + +Illness was a sort of occupation to me, and I was always sorry to get +well. When the interest of being in danger ceased, I had no other to +supply its place. I fancied that I should enjoy my liberty after my +divorce; but "even freedom grew tasteless." I do not recollect any thing +that wakened me from my torpor, during two months after my divorce, +except a violent quarrel between all my English servants and my Irish +nurse. Whether she assumed too much, upon the idea that she was a +favourite, or whether national prejudice was alone the cause of the +hatred, that prevailed against her, I know not; but they one and +all declared that they could not, and would not, live with her. She +expressed the same dislike to _consorting_ with them; "but would _put +up_ with worse, ay, with the devils themselves, to oblige my honour, and +to lie under the same roof _wid_ my honour." + +The rest of the servants laughed at her blunders. This she could bear +with good-humour; but when they seriously affected to reproach her with +having, by her uncouth appearance, at her first presenting herself at +Sherwood Park, endangered my life, she retorted, "And who cared for him +in the wide world but I, amongst you all, when he lay for dead? I ask +you that," said she. + +To this there was no reply; and they hated her the more for their having +been silenced by her shrewdness. I protected her as long as I could; +but, for the sake of peace, I at last yielded to the combined forces +of the steward's room and the servants' hall, and despatched Ellinor +to Ireland, with a renewal of the promise that I would visit Glenthorn +Castle this year or the next. To comfort her at parting, I would have +made her a considerable present; but she would take only a few guineas, +to bear her expenses back to her native place. The sacrifice I made did +not procure me a peace of any continuance in my own house:--ruined by +indulgence, and by my indolent, reckless temper, my servants were now my +masters. In a large, ill-regulated establishment, domestics become, like +spoiled children, discontented, capricious, and the tyrants over those +who have not the sense or steadiness to command. I remember one delicate +puppy _parted with me_, because, as he informed me, the curtains of his +bed did not close at the foot; he had never been used to such a thing, +and had told the housekeeper so three times, but could obtain no +redress, which necessitated him to beg my permission to retire from the +service. + +In his stead another coxcomb came to offer himself, who, with an +incomparably easy air, begged to know whether I wanted _a man of figure_ +or _a man of parts?_ For the benefit of those to whom this fashionable +classification of domestics may not be familiar, I should observe, that +the department of _a man of figure_ is specially and solely to +announce company on gala days; the business of _the man of parts_ is +multifarious: to write cards of invitation, to speak to impertinent +tradesmen, to carry confidential messages, et cetera. Now, where there +is an et cetera in an agreement, there is always an opening for dispute. +The functions of _the man of parts_ not being accurately defined, I +unluckily required from him some service which was not in his bond; I +believe it was to go for my pocket handkerchief: "He could not possibly +do it, because it was not his business;" and I, the laziest of mortals, +after waiting a full quarter of an hour, whilst they were settling +whose business it was to obey me, was forced to get up and go for what I +wanted. I comforted myself by the recollection of the poor king of Spain +and _le brasier_. With a regal precedent I could not but be satisfied. +All great people, said I to myself, are obliged to submit to these +inconveniences. I submitted with so good a grace, that my submission +was scarcely felt to be a condescension. My _bachelor's_ house soon +exhibited in perfection "High Life below Stairs." + +It is said that a foreign nobleman permitted his servants to take their +own way so completely, that one night he and his guests being kept +waiting an unconscionable time for supper, he at last went down stairs +to inquire into the cause of the delay: he found the servant, whose +business it was to take up supper, quietly at cards with a large party +of his friends. The man coolly remonstrated, that it was impossible to +leave his game unfinished. The master candidly acknowledged the force of +his plea; but insisted upon the man's going up stairs to lay the cloth +for supper, whilst he took his cards, sat down, and finished the game +for him. + +The suavity of my temper never absolutely reached this degree of +complaisance. My home was disagreeable to me: I had not the resolution +to remove the causes of the discontents. Every day I swore I would part +with all these rascals the next morning; but still they stayed. Abroad I +was not happier than at home. I was disgusted with my former companions: +they had convinced me, the night of my accident at Sherwood Park, that +they cared not whether I was alive or dead; and ever since that time I +had been more and more struck with their selfishness as well as folly. +It was inexpressibly fatiguing and irksome to me to keep up a show +of good fellowship and joviality with these people, though I had not +sufficient energy to make the attempt to quit them. When these _dashers_ +and _loungers_ found that I was not always at their disposal, they +discovered that Glenthorn had always something _odd_ about him; that +Glenthorn had always a melancholy turn; that it ran in the family, &c. +Satisfied with these phrases, they let me take my own way, and forgot +my existence. Public amusements had lost their charm; I had sufficient +steadiness to resist the temptation to game: but, for want of stimulus, +I could hardly endure the _tedium_ of my days. At this period of my +life, ennui was very near turning into misanthropy. I balanced between +becoming a misanthrope and a democrat. + +Whilst I was in this critical state of ineptitude, my attention was +accidentally roused by the sight of a boxing-match. My feelings were so +much excited, and the excitation was so delightful, that I was now in +danger of becoming an amateur of the pugilistic art. It did not occur to +me, that it was beneath the dignity of a British nobleman to learn the +vulgar terms of the boxing trade. I soon began to talk very _knowingly_ +of _first-rate bruisers, game_ men, and _pleasing_ fighters; _making +play--beating a man under the ropes--sparring--rallying--sawing_--and +_chopping_. What farther proficiency I might have made in this language, +or how long my interest in these feats of prize-fighters might have +continued, had I been left to myself, I cannot determine; but I was +unexpectedly seized with a fit of national shame, on hearing a foreigner +of rank and reputation express astonishment at our taste for these +savage spectacles. It was in vain that I repeated the arguments of +some of the parliamentary panegyrists of boxing and bull-baiting; and +asserted, that these diversions render a people hardy and courageous. +My opponent replied, that he did not perceive the necessary connexion +between cruelty and courage; that he did not comprehend how the standing +by in safety to see two men bruise each other almost to death could +evince or inspire heroic sentiments or warlike dispositions. He +observed, that the Romans were most eager for the fights of gladiators +during the reigns of the most effeminate and cruel emperors, and in +the decline of all public spirit and virtue. These arguments would have +probably made but a feeble impression on an understanding like mine, +unaccustomed to general reasoning, and on a temper habituated to pursue, +without thought of consequences, my immediate individual gratification; +but it happened that my feelings were touched at this time by the +dreadful sufferings of one of the pugilistic combatants. He died a few +hours after the battle. He was an Irishman: most of the spectators being +English, and triumphing in the victory of their countryman, the poor +fellow's fate was scarcely noticed. I spoke to him a little while before +he died, and found that he came from my own county. His name was Michael +Noonan. He made it his dying request, that I would carry half-a-guinea, +the only money he possessed, to his aged father, and a silk handkerchief +he had worn round his neck, to his sister. Pity for this unfortunate +Irishman recalled Ireland to my thoughts. Many small reasons concurred +to make me now desirous of going to that country. I should get rid at +once of a tormenting establishment, and of servants, without the odium +of turning them away; for most of them declined going into banishment, +as they called it. Besides this, I should leave my companions, with whom +I was disgusted. I was tired of England, and wanted to see something +new, even if it were to be worse than what I had seen before. These were +not my ostensible reasons: I professed to have more exalted motives for +my journey. It was my duty, I said, to visit my Irish estate, and to +encourage my tenantry, by residing some time among them. Duties often +spring up to our view at a convenient opportunity. Then my promise to +poor Ellinor; it was impossible for a man of honour to break a promise, +even to an old woman: in short, when people are determined upon any +action, they seldom fail to find arguments capable of convincing them +that their resolution is reasonable. Mixed motives govern the conduct of +half mankind; so I set out upon my journey to Ireland. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + + "Es tu contente à la fleur de tes ans? + As tu des goûts et des amusemens? + Tu dois mener une assez douce vie. + L'autre en deux mots répondait 'Je m'ennuie.' + C'est un grand mal, dit la fée, et je crois + Qu'un beau secret est de rester chez soi."-- + +I was detained six days by contrary winds at Holyhead. Sick of that +miserable place, in my ill-humour I cursed Ireland, and twice resolved +to return to London: but the wind changed, my carriage was on board the +packet; so I sailed and landly safely in Dublin. I was surprised by the +excellence of the hotel at which I was lodged. I had not conceived that +such accommodation could have been found in Dublin. The house had, as I +was told, belonged to a nobleman: it was fitted up and appointed with a +degree of elegance, and even magnificence, beyond what I had been used +to in the most fashionable hotels in London. + +"Ah! sir," said an Irish gentleman, who found me in admiration upon the +staircase, "this is all very good, very fine, but it is too good and too +fine to last; come here again in two years, and I am afraid you will see +all this going to rack and ruin. This is too often the case with us +in Ireland: we can project, but we can't calculate; we must have every +thing upon too large a scale. We mistake a grand beginning for a good +beginning. We begin like princes, and we end like beggars." + +I rested only a few days in a capital in which, I took it for granted, +there could be nothing worth seeing by a person who was just come from +London. In driving through the streets, I was, however, surprised to +see buildings, which my prejudices could scarcely believe to be Irish. +I also saw some things, which recalled to my mind the observations I had +heard at my hotel. I was struck with instances of grand beginnings +and lamentable want of finish, with mixture of the magnificent and the +paltry; of admirable and execrable taste. Though my understanding was +wholly uncultivated, these things struck my eye. Of all the faculties +of my mind, my taste had been most exercised, because its exercise had +given me least trouble. + +Impatient to see my own castle, I left Dublin. I was again astonished by +the beauty of the prospects, and the excellence of the roads. I had in +my ignorance believed that I was never to see a tree in Ireland, +and that the roads were almost impassable. With the promptitude of +credulity, I now went from one extreme to the other: I concluded that +we should travel with the same celerity as upon the Bath road; and I +expected, that a journey for which four days had been allotted might be +performed in two. Like all those who have nothing to do any where, I was +always in a prodigious hurry to get from place to place; and I ever had +a noble ambition to go over as much ground as possible in a given space +of time. I travelled in a light barouche, and with my own horses. My own +man (an Englishman), and my cook (a Frenchman), followed in a hackney +chaise; I cared not how, so that they kept up with me; the rest was +their affair. At night, my gentleman complained bitterly of the Irish +post carriages, and besought me to let him follow at an easier rate the +next day; but to this I could by no means consent: for how could I exist +without my own man and my French cook? In the morning, just as I +was ready to set off, and had thrown myself back in my carriage, my +Englishman and Frenchman came to the door, both in so great a rage, that +the one was inarticulate and the other unintelligible. At length the +object of their indignation spoke for itself. From the inn yard came a +hackney chaise, in a most deplorable crazy state; the body mounted up +to a prodigious height, on unbending springs, nodding forwards, one door +swinging open, three blinds up, because they could not be let down, the +perch tied in two places, the iron of the wheels half off, half loose, +wooden pegs for linch-pins, and ropes for harness. The horses were +worthy of the harness; wretched little dog-tired creatures, that looked +as if they had been driven to the last gasp, and as if they had never +been rubbed down in their lives; their bones starting through their +skin; one lame, the other blind; one with a raw back, the other with a +galled breast; one with his neck poking down over his collar, and the +other with his head dragged forward by a bit of a broken bridle, held at +arm's length by a man dressed like a mad beggar, in half a hat and half +a wig, both awry in opposite directions; a long tattered great-coat, +tied round his waist by a hay-rope; the jagged rents in the skirts of +his coat showing his bare legs marbled of many colours; while something +like stockings hung loose about his ankles. The noises he made by way of +threatening or encouraging his steeds, I pretend not to describe. + +In an indignant voice I called to the landlord, "I hope these are not +the horses--I hope this is not the chaise, intended for my servants." + +The innkeeper, and the pauper who was preparing to officiate as +postilion, both in the same instant exclaimed, "_Sorrow_ better chaise +in the county!" + +"_Sorrow_" said I; "what do you mean by sorrow?" + +"That there's no better, plase your honour, can be seen. We have two +more, to be sure; but one has no top, and the other no bottom. Any way +there's no better can be seen than this same." [77] + +"And these horses!" cried I; "why, this horse is so lame he can hardly +stand." + +"Oh, plase your honour, tho' he can't stand, he'll _go_ fast enough. +He has a great deal of the rogue in him, plase your honour. He's always +that way at first setting out." + +"And that wretched animal with the galled breast!" + +"He's all the better for it, when once he warms; it's he that will +go with the speed of light, plase your honour. Sure, is not he +Knockecroghery? and didn't I give fifteen guineas for him, barring the +luck penny, at the fair of Knockecroghery, and he rising four year old +at the same time?" + +I could not avoid smiling at this speech: but my _gentleman_, +maintaining his angry gravity, declared, in a sullen tone, that he would +be cursed if he went with such horses; and the Frenchman, with abundance +of gesticulation, made a prodigious chattering, which no mortal +understood. + +"Then I'll tell you what you'll do," said Paddy; "you'll take four, +as becomes gentlemen of your quality, and you'll see how we'll powder +along." + +And straight he put the knuckle of his fore-finger in his mouth, and +whistled shrill and strong; and, in a moment, a whistle somewhere out in +the fields answered him. + +I protested against these proceedings, but in vain; before the first +pair of horses were fastened to the chaise, up came a little boy with +the others _fresh_ from the plough. They were quick enough in putting +these to; yet how they managed it with their tackle, I know not. "Now +we're fixed handsomely," said Paddy. + +"But this chaise will break down the first mile." + +"Is it this chaise, plase your honour? I'll engage it will go the +world's end. The universe wouldn't break it down now; sure it was mended +but last night." + +Then seizing his whip and reins in one hand, he clawed up his stockings +with the other: so with one easy step he got into his place, and seated +himself, coachman-like, upon a well-worn bar of wood, that served as a +coach-box. "Throw me the loan of a trusty Bartly, for a cushion," said +he. A frieze coat was thrown up over the horses' heads--Paddy caught it. +"Where are you, Hosey?" cried he. "Sure I'm only rowling a wisp of +straw on my leg," replied Hosey. "Throw me up," added this paragon of +postilions, turning to one of the crowd of idle bystanders. "Arrah, push +me up, can't ye?" + +A man took hold of his knee, and threw him upon the horse: he was in his +seat in a trice; then clinging by the mane of his horse, he scrambled +for the bridle, which was under the other horse's feet--reached it, and, +well satisfied with himself, looked round at Paddy, who looked back +to the chaise-door at my angry servants, "secure in the last event of +things." In vain the Englishman in monotonous anger, and the Frenchman +in every note of the gamut, abused Paddy: necessity and wit were on +Paddy's side; he parried all that was said against his chaise, his +horses, himself, and his country, with invincible comic dexterity, +till at last, both his adversaries, dumb-foundered, clambered into the +vehicle, where they were instantly shut up in straw and darkness. Paddy, +in a triumphant tone, called to _my_ postilions, bidding them "get on, +and not be stopping the way any longer." + +Without uttering a syllable, they drove on; but they could not, nor +could I, refrain from looking back to see how those fellows would +manage. We saw the fore-horses make towards the right, then to the left, +and every way but straight forwards; whilst Paddy bawled to Hosey--"Keep +the middle of the road, can't ye? I don't want ye to draw a pound +at-all-at-all." + +At last, by dint of whipping, the four horses were compelled to set off +in a lame gallop; but they stopped short at a hill near the end of the +town, whilst a shouting troop of ragged boys followed, and pushed them +fairly to the top. Half an hour afterwards, as we were putting on our +drag-chain to go down another steep hill,--to my utter astonishment, +Paddy, with his horses in full gallop, came rattling and _chehupping_ +past us. My people called to warn him that he had no _drag_: but still +he cried "Never fear!" and shaking the long reins, and stamping with his +foot, on he went thundering down the hill. My Englishmen were aghast. + +"The turn yonder below, at the bottom of the hill, is as sharp and ugly +as ever I see," said my postilion, after a moment's stupified silence. +"He will break their necks, as sure as my name is John." + +Quite the contrary: when we had dragged and undragged, and came up to +Paddy, we found him safe on his legs, mending some of his tackle very +quietly. + +"If that had broken as you were going down the steep hill," said I, "it +would have been all over with you, Paddy." + +"That's true, plase your honour: but it never happened me going down +hill--nor never will, by the blessing of God, if I've any luck." + +With this mixed confidence in a special providence, and in his own good +luck, Paddy went on, much to my amusement. It was his glory to keep +before us; and he rattled on till he came to a narrow part of the road, +where they were rebuilding a bridge. Here there was a dead stop. Paddy +lashed his horses, and called them all manner of names; but the wheel +horse, Knockecroghery, was restive, and at last began to kick most +furiously. It seemed inevitable that the first kick which should reach +the splinter-bar, at which it was aimed, must demolish it instantly. My +English gentleman and my Frenchman both put their heads out of the +only window which was pervious, and called most manfully to be let out. +"Never fear," said Paddy. To open the door for themselves was beyond +their force or skill. One of the hind wheels, which had belonged to +another carriage, was too high to suffer the door to be opened, and the +blind at the other side prevented their attempts, so they were close +prisoners. The men who had been at work on the broken bridge came +forward, and rested on their spades to see the battle. As my carriage +could not pass, I was also compelled to be a spectator of this contest +between man and horse. + +"Never fear," reiterated Paddy; "I'll engage I'll be up wid him. Now for +it, Knockecroghery! Oh, the rogue, he thinks he has me at a _nonplush_, +but I'll show him the _differ_." + +After this brag of war, Paddy whipped, Knockecroghery kicked; and Paddy, +seemingly unconscious of danger, sat within reach of the kicking horse, +twitching up first one of his legs, then the other, and shifting as the +animal aimed his hoofs, escaping every time as it were by miracle. With +a mixture of temerity and presence of mind, which made us alternately +look upon him as a madman and a hero, he gloried in the danger, secure +of success, and of the sympathy of the spectators. + +"Ah! didn't I _compass_ him cleverly then? Oh, the villain, to be +browbating me! I'm too cute for him yet. See there, now, he's come to; +and I'll be his bail he'll go _asy_ enough wid me. Ogh! he has a fine +spirit of his own, but it's I that can match him: 'twould be a poor case +if a man like me cou'dn't match a horse any way, let alone a mare, which +this is, or it never would be so vicious." + +After this hard-fought battle, and suitable rejoicing for the victory, +Paddy walked his subdued adversary on a few yards to allow us to pass +him; but, to the dismay of my postilions, a hay-rope was at this instant +thrown across the road, before our horses, by the road-makers, who, to +explain this proceeding, cried out, "Plase your honour, the road is so +dry, we'd expect a trifle to wet it." + +"What do these fellows mean?" said I. + +"It's only a tester or a hog they want, your honour, to give 'em to +drink your honour's health," said Paddy. + +"A hog to drink my health?" + +"Ay, that is a thirteen, plase your honour; all as one as an English +shilling." + +I threw them a shilling: the hay-rope was withdrawn, and at last we went +on. We heard no more of Paddy till evening. He came in two hours after +us, and expected to be doubly paid _for driving my honour's gentlemen so +well_. + +I must say that on this journey, though I met with many delays and +disasters; though one of my horses was lamed in shoeing by a smith, +who came home drunk from a funeral; and though the back pannel of my +carriage was broken by the pole of a chaise; and though one day I went +without my dinner at a large desolate inn, where nothing was to be had +but whiskey; and though one night I lay in a little smoky den, in which +the meanest of my servants in England would have thought it impossible +to sleep; and though I complained bitterly, and swore it was +impracticable for a gentleman to travel in Ireland; yet I never remember +to have experienced, on any journey, less ennui.[78] I was out of +patience twenty times a day, but I certainly felt no ennui; and I am +convinced that the benefit some patients receive from a journey is in an +inverse proportion to the ease and luxury of their mode of travelling. +When they are compelled to exert their faculties, and to use their +limbs, they forget their nerves, as I did. Upon this principle I should +recommend to wealthy hypochondriacs a journey in Ireland, preferably to +any country in the civilized world. I can promise them, that they will +not only be moved to anger often enough to make their blood circulate +briskly, but they will even, in the acme of their impatience, be thrown +into salutary convulsions of laughter, by the comic concomitants of +their disasters: besides, if they have hearts, their best feelings +cannot fail to be awakened by the warm, generous hospitality they will +receive in this country, from the cabin to the castle. + +Late in the evening of the fourth day, we came to an inn on the verge of +the county where my estate was situate. It was one of the wildest parts +of Ireland. We could find no horses, nor accommodations of any sort, +and we had several miles farther to go. For our only comfort, the dirty +landlady, who had married the hostler, and wore gold drop ear-rings, +reminded us, that, "Sure, if we could but wait an hour, and take a fresh +egg, we should have a fine moon." + +After many fruitless imprecations, my French cook was obliged to mount +one of my saddle-horses; my groom was left to follow us the next day; +I let my gentleman sit on the barouche box, and proceeded with my own +tired horses. The moon, which my landlady had promised me, rose, and I +had a full view of the face of the country. As we approached my maritime +territories, the cottages were thinly scattered, and the trees had a +stunted appearance; they all slanted one way, from the prevalent winds +that blew from the ocean. Our road presently stretched along the beach, +and I saw nothing to vary the prospect but rocks, and their huge shadows +upon the water. The road being sandy, the feet of the horses made no +noise, and nothing interrupted the silence of the night but the hissing +sound of the carriage-wheels passing through the sand. + +"What o'clock is it now, think you, John?" said one of my postilions to +the other. + +"Past twelve, for _sartain_," said John; "and this _bees_ a strange +Irish place," continued he, in a drawling voice; "with no possible +way o' getting at it, as I see." John, after a pause, resumed, "I say, +Timothy, to the best of my opinion, this here road is leading _on_ us +into the sea." John replied, "that he did suppose there might be such a +thing as a boat farther on, but where, he could not say for _sartain_." +Dismayed and helpless, they at last stopped to consult whether they had +come the right road to the house. In the midst of their consultation +there came up an Irish carman, whistling as he walked beside his horse +and car. + +"Honest friend, is this the road to Glenthorn Castle?" + +"To Glenthorn, sure enough, your honour." + +"Whereabouts is the castle?" + +"Forenent you, if you go on to the turn." + +"_Forenent_ you!" As the postilions pondered upon this word, the carman, +leaving his horse, and car, turned back to explain by action what he +could not make intelligible by words. + +"See, isn't here the castle?" cried he, darting before us to the turn of +the road, where he stood pointing at what we could not possibly see, as +it was hid by a promontory of rock. When we f reached the spot where he +was stationed, we came full upon the view of Glenthorn Castle: it seemed +to rise from the sea, abrupt and insulated, in all the gloomy grandeur +of ancient times, with turrets and battlements, and a huge gateway, +the pointed arch of which receded in perspective between the projecting +towers. + +"It's my lord himself, I'm fond to believe!" said our guide, taking off +his hat; "I had best step on and tell 'em at the castle." + +"No, my good friend, there is no occasion to trouble you farther; you +had better go back to your horse and car, which you have left on the +road." + +"Oh! they are used to that, plase your honour; they'll go on very +_quite_, and I'll run like a redshank with the news to the castle." + +He ran on before us with surprising velocity, whilst our tired horses +dragged us slowly through the sand. As we approached, the gateway of +the castle opened, and a number of men, who appeared to be dwarfs when +compared with the height of the building, came out with torches in their +hands. By their bustle, and the vehemence with which they bawled to one +another, one might have thought that the whole castle was in flames; +but they were only letting down a drawbridge. As I was going over this +bridge, a casement window opened in the castle; and a voice, which I +knew to be old Ellinor's, exclaimed, "Mind the big hole in the middle of +the bridge, God bless _yees!"_ + +I passed over the broken bridge, and through the massive gate, under an +arched way, at the farthest end of which a lamp had just been lighted: +then I came into a large open area, the court of the castle. The +hollow sound of the horses' feet, and of the carriage rumbling over the +drawbridge, was immediately succeeded by the strange and eager voices of +the people, who filled the court with a variety of noises, contrasting, +in the most striking manner, with the silence in which we had travelled +over the sands. The great effect that my arrival instantaneously +produced upon the multitude of servants and dependants, who issued from +the castle, gave me an idea of my own consequence beyond any thing which +I had ever felt in England. These people seemed "born for my use:" the +officious precipitation with which they ran to and fro; the style +in which they addressed me; some crying, "Long life to the Earl of +Glenthorn!" some blessing me for coming to reign over them; all +together gave more the idea of vassals than of tenants, and carried my +imagination centuries back to feudal times. + +The first person I saw on entering the hall of my castle was poor +Ellinor: she pushed her way up to me-- + +"'Tis himself!" cried she. Then turning about suddenly, "I've seen him +in his own castle--I've seen him; and if it pleases God this minute to +take me to himself, I would die with pleasure." + +"My good Ellinor," said I, touched to the heart by her affection, "my +good Ellinor, I hope you will live many a happy year; and if I can +contribute--" + +"And himself to speak to me so kind before them all!" interrupted she. +"Oh! this is too much--quite too much!" She burst into tears; and, +hiding her face with her arm, made her way out of the hall. + +The flights of stairs which I had to ascend, and the length of galleries +through which I was conducted, before I reached the apartment where +supper was served, gave me a vast idea of the extent of my castle; but I +was too much fatigued to enjoy fully the gratifications of pride. To the +simple pleasures of appetite I was more sensible: I ate heartily of one +of the most profusely hospitable suppers that ever was prepared for a +noble baron, even in the days when oxen were roasted whole. Then I grew +so sleepy, that I was impatient to be shown to my bed. I was ushered +through another suite of chambers and galleries; and, as I was +traversing one of these, a door of some strange dormitory opened, and +a group of female heads were thrust out, in the midst of which I could +distinguish old Ellinor's face; but, as I turned my head, the door +closed so quickly, that I had no time to speak: I only heard the words, +"Blessings on him! that's he!" + +I was so sleepy, that I rejoiced having escaped an occasion where I +might have been called upon to speak, yet I was really grateful to my +poor nurse for her blessing. The state tower, in which, after +reiterated entreaties, I was at last left alone to repose, was hung with +magnificent, but ancient tapestry. It was so like a room in a haunted +castle, that if I had not been too much fatigued to think of any thing, +I should certainly have thought of Mrs. Radcliffe. I am sorry to say +that I have no mysteries, or even portentous omens, to record of this +night; for the moment that I lay down in my antiquated bed, I fell into +a profound sleep. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +When I awoke, I thought that I was on shipboard; for the first sound +I heard was that of the sea booming against the castle walls. I arose, +looked out of the window of my bedchamber, and saw that the whole +prospect bore an air of savage wildness. As I contemplated the scene, +my imagination was seized with the idea of remoteness from civilized +society: the melancholy feeling of solitary grandeur took possession of +my soul. + +From this feeling I was relieved by the affectionate countenance of my +old nurse, who at this instant put her head half in at the door. + +"I only just made bold to look in at the fire, to see did it burn, +because I lighted it myself, and would not be blowing of it for fear of +wakening you." + +"Come in, Ellinor, come in," said I. "Come quite in." + +"I will, since you've nobody with you that I need be afraid of," said +she, looking round satisfied, when she saw my own man was not in the +room. + +"You need never be afraid of any body, Ellinor, whilst I am alive," said +I; "for I will always protect you. I do not forget your conduct, when +you thought I was dead in the banqueting-room." + +"Oh! don't be talking of that; thanks be to God there was nothing in it! +I see you well now. Long life to you! Sure you must have been tired to +death last night, for this morning early you lay so _quite_, sleeping +like an angel; and I could see a great likeness in _yees_ to what you +were when you were a child in my arms." + +"But sit down, sit down, my good Ellinor," said I, "and let us talk a +little of your own affairs." + +"And are not these my own affairs?" said she, rather angrily. + +"Certainly; but I mean, that you must tell me how you are going on in +the world, and what I can do to make you comfortable and happy." + +"There's one thing would make me happy," said she. + +"Name it," said I. + +"To be let light your fire myself every morning, and open your shutters, +dear." + +I could not help smiling at the simplicity of the request. I was going +to press her to ask something of more consequence, but she heard a +servant coming along the gallery, and, starting from her chair, she ran +and threw herself upon her knees before the fire, blowing it with her +mouth with great vehemence. + +The servant came to let me know that Mr. M'Leod, my agent, was waiting +for me in the breakfast-room. + +"And will I be let light your fire then every morning?" said Ellinor +eagerly, turning as she knelt. + +"And welcome," said I. + +"Then you won't forget to speak about it for me," said she, "else may +be I won't be let up by them English. God bless you, and don't forget to +speak for me." + +"I will remember to speak about it," said I; but I went down stairs and +forgot it. + +Mr. M'Leod, whom I found reading the newspaper in the breakfast-room, +seemed less affected by my presence than any body I had seen since my +arrival. He was a hard-featured, strong-built, perpendicular man, with +a remarkable quietness of deportment: he spoke with deliberate +distinctness, in an accent slightly Scotch; and, in speaking, he made +use of no gesticulation, but held himself surprisingly still. No part +of him but his eyes moved, and they had an expression of slow, but +determined good sense. He was sparing of his words; but the few that +he used said much, and went directly to the point. He pressed for the +immediate examination and settlement of his accounts: he enumerated +several things of importance, which he had done for my service: but he +did this without pretending the slightest attachment to me; he mentioned +them only as proofs of his having done his duty to his employer, for +which he neither expected nor would accept of thanks. He seemed to be +cold and upright in his mind as in his body. I was not influenced in his +favour even by his striking appearance of plain-dealing, so strong was +the general abhorrence of agents which Crawley's treachery had left in +my mind. The excess of credulity, when convinced of its error, becomes +the extreme of suspicion. Persons not accustomed to reason often argue +absurdly, because, from particular instances, they deduce general +conclusions, and extend the result of their limited experience of +individuals indiscriminately to whole classes. The labour of thinking +was so great to me, that, having once come to a conclusion upon any +subject, I would rather persist in it, right or wrong, than be at +the trouble of going over the process again to revise and rectify my +judgment. + +Upon this occasion national prejudice heightened the prepossession +which circumstances had raised. Mr. M'Leod was not only an agent, but a +Scotchman; and I had a notion that all Scotchmen were crafty: therefore +I concluded that his blunt manner was assumed, and his plain-dealing but +a more refined species of policy. + +After breakfast he laid before me a general statement of my affairs; +obliged me to name a day for the examination of his accounts; and then, +without expressing either mortification or displeasure at the coldness +of my behaviour, or at my evident impatience of his presence, he, +unmoved of spirit, rang for his horse, wished me a good morning, and +departed. + +By this time my castle-yard was filled with a crowd of "great-coated +suitors," who were all _come to see--could they see my lordship? _or +_waiting just to say two words to my honour._ In various lounging +attitudes, leaning against the walls, or pacing backwards and forwards +before the window, to catch my eye, they, with a patience passing the +patience of courtiers, waited, hour after hour, the live-long day, for +their turn, or their chance, of an audience. I had promised myself the +pleasure of viewing my castle this day, and of taking a ride through my +grounds; but that was totally out of the question. I was no longer a man +with a will of my own, or with time at my own disposal. + +_"Long may you live to reign over us!"_ was the signal that I was now +to live, like a prince, only for the service of my subjects. How these +subjects of mine had contrived to go on for so many years in my absence, +I was at a loss to conceive; for, the moment I was present, it seemed +evident that they could not exist without me. + +One had a wife and six _childer,_ and not a spot in the wide world to +live in, if my honour did not let him live under me, in any bit of a +skirt of the estate that would feed a cow. + +Another had a brother in jail, who could not be _got out without me._ + +Another had three lives dropped in a _lase_ for ever; another wanted +a renewal; another a farm; another a house; and one _expected_ my lard +would make his son an exciseman; and another that I would make him a +policeman; and another was _racked,_ if I did not settle the _mearing_ +between him and Corny Corkran; and half a hundred had given in +_proposials_ to the agent for lands that would be out next May; and half +a hundred more came with legends of traditionary _promises from the +old lord, my lordship's father that was_: and for hours I was forced +to listen to long stories _out of the face_, in which there was such +a perplexing and provoking mixture of truth and fiction, involved in +language so figurative, and tones so new to my English ears, that, with +my utmost patience and strained attention, I could comprehend but a very +small portion of what was said to me. + +Never were my ears so weary any day of my life as they were this day. I +could not have endured the fatigue, if I had not been supported by the +agreeable idea of my own power and consequence; a power seemingly next +to despotic. This new stimulus sustained me for three days that I was +kept a state-prisoner in my own castle, by the crowds who came to do me +homage, and to claim my favour and protection. In vain every morning was +my horse led about saddled and bridled: I never was permitted to mount. +On the fourth morning, when I felt sure of having despatched all my +tormentors, I was in astonishment and despair on seeing my levee crowded +with a fresh succession of petitioners. I gave orders to my people to +say that I was going out, and absolutely could see nobody. I supposed +that they did not understand what my English servants said, for they +never stirred from their posts. On receiving a second message, they +acknowledged that they understood the first; but replied, that they +could wait there till my honour came back from my ride. With +difficulty I mounted my horse, and escaped from the closing ranks of my +persecutors. At night I gave directions to have the gates kept shut, and +ordered the porter not to admit any body at his peril. When I got up, I +was delighted to see the coast clear; but the moment I went out, lo! at +the outside of the gate, the host of besiegers were posted, and in my +lawn, and along the road, and through the fields: they pursued me; and +when I forbade them to speak to me when I was on horseback, the next +day I found parties in ambuscade, who laid wait for me in silence, with +their hats off, bowing and bowing, till I could not refrain from saying, +"Well, my good friend, what do you stand bowing there for?" Then I was +fairly prisoner, and held by the bridle for an hour. + +In short, I found that I was now placed in a situation where I could +hope neither for privacy nor leisure; but I had the joys of power, my +rising passion for which would certainly have been extinguished in a +short time by my habitual indolence, if it had not been kept alive by +jealousy of Mr. M'Leod. + +One day, when I refused to hear an importunate tenant, and declared that +I had been persecuted with petitioners ever since my arrival, and that +I was absolutely tired to death, the man answered, "True _for ye_, my +lard; and it's a shame to be troubling you this way. Then, may be, it's +to Mr. M'Leod I'll go? Sure the agent will do as well, and no more about +it. Mr. M'Leod will do every thing the same way as usual." + +"Mr. M'Leod will do every thing!" said I, hastily: "no, by no means." + +"Who will we speak to, then?" said the man. + +"To myself," said I, with as haughty a tone as Louis XIV. could have +assumed, when he announced to his court his resolution to be his own +minister. After this intrepid declaration to act for myself, I could not +yield to my habitual laziness. So much had my pride been hurt, as well +as my other feelings, by Captain Crawley's conduct, that I determined to +show the world I was not to be duped a second time by an agent. + +When, on the day appointed, Mr. M'Leod came to settle accounts with me, +I, with an air of self-important capability, as if I had been all my +life used to look into my own affairs, sat down to inspect the papers; +and, incredible as it may appear, I went through the whole at a sitting, +without a single yawn; and, for a man who never before had looked into +an account, I understood the nature of debtor and creditor wonderfully +well: but, with my utmost desire to evince my arithmetical sagacity, I +could not detect the slightest error in the accounts; and it was evident +that Mr. M'Leod was not Captain Crawley; yet, rather than believe that +he could be both an agent and an honest man, I concluded, that if he did +not cheat me out of my money, his aim was to cheat me out of power; and, +fancying that he wished to be a man of influence and consequence in the +county, I transferred to him instantly the feelings that were passing in +my own mind, and took it for granted that he must be actuated by a love +of power in every thing that he did apparently for my service. + +About this time I remember being much disturbed in my mind, by a letter +which Mr. M'Leod received in my presence, and of which he read to me +only a part: I never rested till I saw the whole. The epistle proved +well worth the trouble of deciphering: it related merely to the paving +of my chicken-yard. Like the King of Prussia,[79] who was said to be so +jealous of power, that he wanted to regulate all the mousetraps in his +dominions, I soon engrossed the management of a perplexing multiplicity +of minute insignificant details. Alas! I discovered to my cost, that +trouble is the inseparable attendant upon power: and many times, in +the course of the first ten days of my reign, I was ready to give up my +dignity from excessive fatigue. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + +Early one morning, after having passed a feverish night, tortured in my +dreams by the voices and faces of the people who had surrounded me the +preceding day, I was awakened by the noise of somebody lighting my fire. +I thought it was Ellinor; and the idea of the disinterested affection +of this poor woman came full into my mind, contrasted in the strongest +manner with the recollection of the selfish encroaching people by whom, +of late, I had been worried. + +"How do you do, my good Ellinor?" said I; "I have not seen any thing of +you this week past." + +"It's not Ellinor at all, my lard," said a new voice. + +"And why so? Why does not Ellinor light my fire?" + +"Myself does not know, my lard." + +"Go for her directly." + +"She's gone home these three days, my lard." + +"Gone! is she sick?" + +"Not as I know _on_, my lard. Myself does not know what ailed her, +except she would be jealous of my lighting the fire. But I can't say +what ailed her; for she went away without a word good or bad, when she +seen me lighting this fire, which I did by the housekeeper's orders." + +I now recollected poor Ellinor's request, and reproached myself for +having neglected to fulfil my promise, upon an affair which, however +trifling in itself, appeared of consequence to her. In the course of my +morning's ride I determined to call upon her at her own house, and make +my apologies: but first I satisfied my curiosity about a prodigious +number of _parks_ and _towns_ which I had heard of upon my estate. Many +a ragged man had come to me, with the modest request that I would let +him _one of the parks near the town_. The horse-park, the deer-park, the +cow-park, were not quite sufficient to answer the ideas I had attached +to the word _park_: but I was quite astonished and mortified when I +beheld the bits and corners of land near the town of Glenthorn, on which +these high-sounding titles had been bestowed:--just what would feed a +cow is sufficient in Ireland to constitute a park. + +When I heard the names of above a hundred towns on the Glenthorn estate, +I had an exalted idea of my own territories; and I was impatient to +make a progress through my dominions: but, upon visiting a few of +these places, my curiosity was satisfied. Two or three cabins gathered +together were sufficient to constitute a town, and the land adjoining +thereto is called a town-land. The denominations of these town-lands +having continued from generation to generation, according to ancient +surveys of Ireland, it is sufficient to show the boundaries of a +town-land, to prove that there must be a town; and a tradition of a town +continues to be satisfactory, even when only a single cabin remains. I +turned my horse's head away in disgust from one of these traditionary +towns, and desired a boy to show me the way to Ellinor O'Donoghoe's +house. + +"So I will, plase your honour, my lard; sure I've a right to know, for +she's my own granny." + +The boy, or, as he was called, the _gossoon_, ran across some fields +where there was abundance of fern and of rabbits. The rabbits, sitting +quietly at the entrance of their holes, seemed to consider themselves +as proprietors of the soil, and me and my horse as intruders. The boy +apologized for the number of rabbit-holes on this part of the estate: +"It would not be so, my lard, if I had a gun allowed me by the +gamekeeper, which he would give me if he knew it would be plasing to +your honour." The ingenuity with which even the young boys can introduce +their requests in a favourable moment sometimes provoked me, and +sometimes excited my admiration. This boy made his just at the time he +was rolling out of my way a car that stopped a gap in the hedge; and he +was so hot and out of breath with running in my service, that I could +not refuse him _a token to the gamekeeper that he might get a gun_ as +soon as I understood what it meant. + +We came to Ellinor's house, a wretched-looking, low, and mud-walled +cabin; at one end it was propped by a buttress of loose stones, upon +which stood a goat reared on his hind legs, to browse on the grass that +grew on the house-top. A dung-hill was before the only window, at +the other end of the house, and close to the door was a puddle of the +dirtiest of dirty water, in which ducks were dabbling. At my approach +there came out of the cabin a pig, a calf, a lamb, a kid, and two geese, +all with their legs tied; followed by turkeys, cocks, hens, chickens, +a dog, a cat, a kitten, a beggar-man, a beggar-woman with a pipe in her +mouth, children innumerable, and a stout girl with a pitchfork in her +hand; all together more than I, looking down upon the roof as I sat +on horseback, and measuring the superficies with my eye, could have +possibly supposed the mansion capable of containing. I asked if Ellinor +O'Donoghoe was at home; but the dog barked, the geese cackled, the +turkeys gobbled, and the beggars begged, with one accord, so loudly, +that there was no chance of my being heard. When the _girl_ had at last +succeeded in appeasing them all with her pitchfork, she answered, that +Ellinor O'Donoghoe was at home, but that she was out with the potatoes; +and she ran to fetch her, after calling to _the lays, who was within +in the room smoking_, to come out to his honour. As soon as they had +crouched under the door, and were able to stand upright, they welcomed +me with a very good grace, and were proud to see me in _the kingdom_. I +asked if they were all Ellinor's sons? + +"All entirely," was the first answer. + +"Not one but one," was the second answer. The third made the other two +intelligible. + +"Plase your honour, we are all her sons-in-law, except myself, who am +her lawful son." + +"Then you are my foster-brother?" + +"No, plase your honour, it's not me, but my brother, and he's not in +it." + +"_Not in it?'_ + +"No, plase your honour; becaase he's in the forge, up _abow_." + +"Abow!" said I; "what does he mean?" + +"Sure he's the blacksmith, my lard." + +"And what are you?" + +"I'm Ody, plase your honour; the short for Owen." + +"And what is your trade?" + +"Trade, plase your honour! I was bred to none, more than another; but +expects, only that my mother's not willing to part with me, to go into +the militia next month; and I'm sure she'd let me, if your honour's +lordship would spake a word to the colonel, to see to get me made a +serjeant _immadiately_." + +As Ody made his request, all his companions came forward in sign of +sympathy, and closed round my horse's head to make me _sinsible_ of +their expectations; but at this instant Ellinor came up, her old face +colouring all over with joy when she saw me. + +"So, Ellinor," said I, "you were affronted, I hear, and left the castle +in anger?" + +"In anger! And if I did, more shame for me--but anger does not last long +with me any way; and against you, my lord, dear, how could it? Oh, think +how good he is, coming to see me in such a poor place!" + +"I will make it a better place for you, Ellinor," said I. Far from being +eager to obtain promises, she still replied, that "all was good enough +for her." I desired that she would come and live with me at the castle, +till a better house than her present habitation could be built for her; +but she seemed to prefer this hovel. I assured her that she should be +permitted to light my fire. + +"Oh, it's better for me not," said she; "better keep out of the way. I +could not be asy if I got any one ill-will." + +I assured her that she should be at liberty to do just as she liked: +and whilst I rode home I was planning a pretty cottage for her near the +porter's lodge. I was pleased with myself for my gratitude to this poor +woman. Before I slept, I actually wrote a letter, which obtained for Ody +the honour of being made a serjeant in the ---- militia; and Ellinor, +dazzled by this military glory, was satisfied that he should leave home, +though he was her favourite. + +"Well, let him leave me then," said she; "I won't stand in his light. +I never thought of my living to see Ody a serjeant. Now, Ody, have +done being wild, honey-dear, and be a credit to your family, and to +his honour's commendation--God bless him for ever for it! From the very +first I knew it was he that had the kind heart." + +I am not sure that it was a very good action to get a man made a +serjeant, of whom I knew nothing but that he was son to my nurse. +Self-complacency, however, cherished my first indistinct feelings +of benevolence. Though not much accustomed to reflect upon my own +sensations, I think I remember, at this period, suspecting that the +feeling of benevolence is a greater pleasure than the possession of +_barouches_, and horses, and castles, and parks--greater even than the +possession of power. Of this last truth, however, I had not as yet a +perfectly clear conception. Even in my benevolence I was as impatient +and unreasonable as a child. Money, I thought, had the power of +Aladdin's lamp, to procure with magical celerity the gratification of +my wishes. I expected that a cottage for Ellinor should rise out of the +earth at my command. But the slaves of Aladdin's lamp were not Irishmen. +The delays, and difficulties, and blunders, in the execution of my +orders, provoked me beyond measure; and it would have been difficult for +a cool spectator to decide whether I or my workmen were most in fault; +they for their dilatory habits, or I for my impatient temper. + +"Well, _plase_ your honour, when the _pratees_ are set, and the turf +cut, we'll _fall-to_ at Ellinor's house." + +"Confound the potatoes and the turf! you must _fall-to_, as you call it, +directly." + +"Is it without the lime, and plase your honour? Sure that same is not +drawn yet, nor the stones quarried, since it is of stone it will be--nor +the foundations itself dug, and the horses were all putting out dung." + +Then after the bog and the potatoes, came funerals and holidays +innumerable. The masons were idle one week waiting for the mortar, and +the mortar another week waiting for the stones, and then they were at +a stand for the carpenter when they came to the door-case, and the +carpenter was looking for the sawyer, and the sawyer was gone to have +the saw mended. Then there was a _stop_ again at the window-sills for +the stone-cutter, and he was at the quarter-sessions, processing his +brother for _tin and tinpence, hay-money_. And when, in spite of all +delays and obstacles, the walls reached their destined height, the roof +was a new plague; the carpenter, the slater, and the nailer, were all +at variance, and I cannot tell which was the most provoking rogue of the +three. At last, however, the house was roofed and slated: then I would +not wait till the walls were dry before I plastered, and papered, +and furnished it. I fitted it up in the most elegant style of English +cottages; for I was determined that Ellinor's habitation should be such +as had never been seen in this part of the world. The day when it was +finished, and when I gave possession of it to Ellinor, paid me for all +my trouble; I tasted a species of pleasure that was new to me, and which +was the sweeter from having been earned with some difficulty. And now, +when I saw a vast number of my tenants assembled at a rural feast which +I gave on Ellinor's _installation_, my benevolence enlarged, even +beyond the possibility of its gratification, and I wished to make all my +dependants happy, provided I could accomplish it without much trouble. +The method of doing good, which seemed to require the least exertion, +and which I, therefore, most willingly practised, was giving away money. +I did not wait to inquire, much less to examine into the merits of the +claimants; but, without selecting proper objects, I relieved myself +from the uneasy feeling of pity, by indiscriminate donations to objects +apparently the most miserable. + +I was quite angry with Mr. M'Leod, my agent, and considered him as a +selfish, hard-hearted miser, because he did not seem to sympathize with +me, or to applaud my generosity. I was so much irritated by his cold +silence, that I could not forbear pressing him to say something. + +"_I doubt_, then," said he, "since you desire me to speak my mind, my +lord, _I doubt_ whether the best way of encouraging the industrious is +to give premiums to the idle." + +"But, idle or not, these poor wretches are so miserable, that I cannot +refuse to give them something; and, surely, when one can do it so +easily, it is right to relieve misery. Is it not?" + +"Undoubtedly, my lord; but the difficulty is, to relieve present misery, +without creating more in future. Pity for one class of beings sometimes +makes us cruel to others. I am told that there are some Indian Brahmins +so very compassionate, that they hire beggars to let fleas feed upon +them: I doubt whether it might not be better to let the fleas starve." + +I did not in the least understand what Mr. M'Leod meant: but I was +soon made to comprehend it, by crowds of eloquent beggars, who soon +surrounded me: many who had been resolutely struggling with their +difficulties, slackened their exertions, and left their labour for the +easier trade of imposing upon my credulity. The money I had bestowed was +wasted at the dram-shop, or it became the subject of family-quarrels; +and those whom I had _relieved_ returned to _my honour_, with fresh and +insatiable expectations. All this time my industrious tenants grumbled, +because no encouragement was given to them; and, looking upon me as a +weak good-natured fool, they combined in a resolution to ask me for long +leases, or reduction of rent. + +The rhetoric of my tenants succeeded in some instances; and again I was +mortified by Mr. M'Leod's silence. I was too proud to ask his opinion. +I ordered, and was obeyed. A few leases for long terms were signed and +sealed; and when I had thus my own way completely, I could not refrain +from recurring to Mr. M'Leod's opinion. + +"I doubt, my lord," said he, "whether this measure may be as +advantageous as you hope. These fellows, these middle-men, will underset +the land, and live in idleness, whilst they _rack_ a parcel of wretched +under-tenants." + +"But they said they would keep the land in their own hands, and improve +it; and that the reason why they could not afford to improve before was, +that they had not long leases." + +"It may be doubted whether long leases alone will make improving +tenants; for in the next county to us, there are many farms of the +dowager Lady Ormsby's land let at ten shillings an acre, and her +tenantry are beggars: and the land now, at the end of the leases, is +worn out, and worse than at their commencement." + +I was weary listening to this cold reasoning, and resolved to apply no +more for explanations to Mr. M'Leod; yet in my indolence I wanted +the support of his approbation, at the very time I was jealous of his +interference. + +At one time I had a mind to raise the wages of labour; but Mr. M'Leod +said, "_It might be doubted_ whether the people would not work less, +when they could with less work have money enough to support them." + +I was puzzled: and then I had a mind to lower the wages of labour, to +force them to work or starve. Still provoking Mr. M'Leod said, "It might +be doubted whether it would not be better to leave them alone." + +I gave marriage-portions to the daughters of my tenants, and rewards to +those who had children; for I had always heard that legislators +should encourage population. Still Mr. M'Leod hesitated to approve; he +observed, "that my estate was so populous, that the complaint in each +family was, that they had not land for the sons. _It might be doubted_ +whether, if a farm could support but ten people, it were wise to +encourage the birth of twenty. _It might be doubted_ whether it were not +better for ten to live, and be well fed, than for twenty to be born, and +to be half-starved." + +To encourage manufactures in my town of Glenthorn, I proposed putting +a clause in my leases, compelling my tenants to buy stuffs and linens +manufactured at Glenthorn, and no where else. Stubborn M'Leod, as usual, +began with, "_I doubt_ whether that will not encourage the manufacturers +at Glenthorn to make bad stuffs and bad linen, since they are sure of a +sale, and without danger of competition." + +At all events, I thought my tenants would grow rich and _independent_, +if they made every thing _at home_ that they wanted: yet Mr. M'Leod +perplexed me by his "doubt whether it would not be better for a man to +buy shoes, if he could buy them cheaper than he could make them." He +added something about the division of labour, and Smith's Wealth of +Nations; to which I could only answer--"Smith's a Scotchman." + +I cannot express how much I dreaded Mr. M'Leod's _I doubt_--and--_It may +be doubted._ + +From the pain of doubt, and the labour of thought, I was soon most +agreeably reprieved by the company of a Mr. Hardcastle, whose visits I +constantly encouraged by a most gracious reception. Mr. Hardcastle +was the agent of the dowager Lady Ormsby, who had a large estate in +my neighbourhood: he was the very reverse of my Mr. M'Leod in his +deportment and conversation. Talkative, self-sufficient, peremptory, +he seemed not to know what it was _to doubt_; he considered doubt as a +proof of ignorance, imbecility, or cowardice. _"Can any man doubt?"_ was +his usual beginning. On every subject of human knowledge, taste, morals, +politics, economy, legislation; on all affairs, civil, military, or +ecclesiastical, he decided at once in the most confident tone. Yet he +"never read, not he!" he had nothing to do with books; he consulted only +his own eyes and ears, and appealed only to common sense. As to +theory, he had no opinion of theory; for his part, he only pretended +to understand practice and experience--and his practice was confined +steadily to his own practice, and his experience uniformly to what he +had tried at New-town-Hardcastle. + +At first I thought him a mighty clever man, and I really rejoiced to see +my _doubter_ silenced. After dinner, when he had finished speaking +in this decisive manner, I used frequently to back him with a--_Very +true--very fair--very clear_--though I understood what he said as little +as he did himself; but it was an ease to my mind to have a disputed +point settled--and I filled my glass with an air of triumph, whilst +M'Leod never contradicted my assertions, nor controverted Mr. +Hardcastle's arguments. There was still an air of content and quiet +self-satisfaction in M'Leod's very silence, which surprised and vexed +me. + +One day, when Hardcastle was laying down the law upon several subjects +in his usual dictatorial manner, telling us how he managed his people, +and what order he kept them in, I was determined that M'Leod should +not enjoy the security of his silence, and I urged him to give us +his general opinion, as to the means of improving the poor people in +Ireland. + +"I doubt," said M'Leod, "whether any thing effectual can be done till +they have a better education." + +"Education!--Pshaw!--There it is now--these book-men," cried Hardcastle: +"Why, my dear sir, can any man alive, who knows this country, doubt that +the common people have already too much education, as it is called--a +vast deal too much? Too many of them know how to read, and write, and +cipher, which I presume is all you mean by education." + +"Not entirely," said M'Leod; "a good education comprehends something +more." + +"The more the worse," interrupted Hardcastle. "The more they know, the +worse they are, sir, depend on that; I know the people of this country, +sir; I have _a good right_ to know them, sir, being born amongst them, +and bred amongst them; so I think I may speak with some confidence on +these matters. And I give it as my decided humble opinion, founded on +irrefragable experience, which is what I always build upon, that the way +to ruin the poor of Ireland would be to educate them, sir. Look at the +poor scholars, as they call themselves; and what are they? a parcel of +young vagabonds in rags, with a book under their arm instead of a +spade or a shovel, sir. And what comes of this? that they +grow up the worst-disposed, and the most troublesome +seditiousrascals in the community. I allow none of them about +New-town-Hardcastle--none--banished them all. Useless vagrants--hornets, +vipers, sir: and show me a quieter, better-managed set of people than I +have made of mine. I go upon experience, sir; and that's the only thing +to go upon; and I'll go no farther than New-town-Hardcastle: if that +won't bring conviction home to you, nothing will." + +"I never was at New-town-Hardcastle," said M'Leod, drily. + +"Well, sir, I hope it will not be the case long. But in the mean time, +my good sir, do give me leave to put it to your own common sense, what +can reading or writing do for a poor man, unless he is to be a bailiff +or an exciseman? and you know all men can't expect to be bailiffs or +excisemen. Can all the book-learning in the world, sir, dig a poor man's +potatoes for him, or plough his land, or cut his turf? Then, sir, in +this country, where's the advantage of education, I humbly ask? No, sir, +no, trust me--keep the Irish common people ignorant, and you keep 'em +quiet; and that's the only way with them; for they are too quiet and +smart, as it is, naturally. Teach them to read and write, and it's just +adding fuel to fire--fire to gunpowder, sir. Teach them any thing, and +directly you _set them up_: now it's our business to _keep them down_, +unless, sir, you'd wish to have your throat cut. Education, sir! Lord +bless your soul, sir! they have a great deal too much; they know too +much already, which makes them so refractory to the laws, and so idle. +I will go no farther than New-town-Hardcastle, to prove all this. So, +my good sir," concluded he, triumphantly, "education, I grant you, +is necessary for the rich; but tell me, if you can, what's the use of +education to the poor?" + +"Much the same, I apprehend, as to the rich," answered M'Leod. "The use +of education, as I understand it, is to teach men to see clearly, and +to follow steadily, their real interests. All morality, you know, is +comprised in this definition; and--" + +"Very true, sir; but all this can never apply to the poor in Ireland." + +"Why, sir; are they not men?" + +"Men, to be sure; but not like men in Scotland. The Irish know nothing +of their interests; and as to morality, that's out of the question: they +know nothing about it, my dear sir." + +"That is the very thing of which I complain," said M'Leod. "They know +nothing, because they have been taught nothing." + +"They cannot be taught, sir." + +"Did you ever try?" + +"I _did_, sir, no later than last week. A fellow that I caught stealing +my turf, instead of sending him to jail, I said to him, with a great +deal of lenity, My honest fellow, did you never hear of the eighth +commandment, 'Thou shalt not steal?' He confessed he had; but did +not know it was the eighth. I showed it to him, and counted it to him +myself; and set him, for a punishment, to get his whole catechism. Well, +sir, the next week I found him stealing my turf again! and when I caught +him by the wrist in the fact, he said, it was because the priest would +not let him learn the catechism I gave him, because it was a Protestant +one. Now you see, sir, there's a bar for ever to all education." + +Mr. M'Leod smiled, said something about time and patience, and observed, +"that one experiment was not conclusive against a whole nation." Any +thing like a general argument Mr. Hardcastle could not comprehend. He +knew every blade of grass within the reach of his tether, but could not +reach an inch beyond. Any thing like an appeal to benevolent feelings +was lost upon him; for he was so frank in his selfishness, that he did +not even pretend to be generous. By sundry self-complacent motions he +showed whilst his adversary spoke, that he disdained to listen almost +as much as to read: but, as soon as M'Leod paused, he said, "What you +observe, sir, may possibly be very true; but I have made up my mind." +Then he went over and over again his assertions, in a louder and a +louder voice, ending with a tone of interrogation that seemed to set all +answer at defiance, "What have you to answer to me now, sir?--Can any +man alive doubt this, sir?" + +M'Leod was perfectly silent. The company broke up; and, as we were going +out of the room, I maliciously asked M'Leod, why he, who could say +so much in his own defence, had suffered himself to be so completely +silenced? He answered me, in his low, deliberate voice, in the words of +Moiré--"'Qu'est-ce que la raison avec un filet de voix contre une gueule +comme celle-là?' At some other time," added Mr. M'Leod, "my sentiments +shall be at your lordship's disposal." + +Indolent persons love positive people, when they are of their own +opinion; because they are saved the trouble of developing their +thoughts, or supporting their assertions: but the moment the positive +differs in sentiment from the indolent man, there is an end of the +friendship. The indolent man then hates his pertinacious adversary +as much as he loved his sturdy friend. So it happened between Mr. +Hardcastle and me. This gentleman was a prodigious favourite with me, so +long as his opinions were not in opposition to my own; but an accident +happened, which brought his love of power and mine into direct +competition, and then I found his peremptory mode of reasoning and his +ignorance absurd and insufferable. + +Before I can do justice to my part of this quarrel, I must explain the +cause of the interest which I took in behalf of the persons aggrieved. +During the time that my first hot fit of benevolence was on me, I was +riding home one evening after dining with Mr. Hardcastle, and I was +struck with the sight of a cabin, more wretched than any I had ever +before beheld: the feeble light of a single rush-candle through the +window revealed its internal misery. + +"Does any body live in that hovel?" said I + +"Ay, sure, does there: the Noonans, plase your honour," replied a man +on the road. Noonans! I recollected the name to be that of the pugilist, +who had died in consequence of the combat at which I had been present in +London; who had, with his dying breath, besought me to convey his only +half-guinea and his silk handkerchief to his poor father and sister. I +alighted from my horse, asking the man, at the same time, if the son of +this Noonan had not died in England. + +"He had, sir, a son in England, Mick Noonan, who used to send him odd +guineas, _I mind_, and was a _good lad to his father_, though wild; and +there's been no account of him at-all-at-all this long while: but the +old man has another boy, a sober lad, who's abroad with the army in the +East Indies; and it's he that is the hope of the family. And there's the +father--and old as he is, and poor, and a cripple, I'd engage there is +not a happier man in the three counties at this very time speaking: for +it is just now I seen young Jemmy Riley, the daughter's _bachelor_, go +by with a letter. What news? says I. 'Great news!' says he: 'a letter +from Tom Noonan to his father; and I'm going in to read it for him.'" + +By the time my voluble informant had come to this period, I had +reached the cabin door. Who could have expected to see smiles and hear +exclamations of joy under such a roof? + +I saw the father, with his hands clasped in ecstasy, and looking up to +heaven, with the strong expression of delight in his aged countenance. +I saw every line of his face; for the light of the candle was full upon +it. The daughter, a beautiful girl, kneeling beside him, held the light +for the young man, who was reading her brother's letter. I was sorry to +interrupt them. + +"Your honour's kindly welcome," said the old man, making an attempt to +rise. + +"Pray, don't let me disturb you." + +"It was only a letter from a boy of mine that's over the seas, we was +reading," said the old man. "A better boy to an ould father, that's good +for nothing now in this world, never was, plase your honour. See what he +has sent me: a draft here for ten guineas out of the little pay he has. +God for ever bless him!--as he surely will." + +After a few minutes' conversation, the old man's heart was so much +opened towards me, that he talked as freely as if he had known me for +years. I led to the subject of his other son Michael, who was mentioned +in the letter as a wild chap. "Ah! your honour, that's what lies +heaviest on my heart, and will, to my dying day, that Mick, before he +died, which they say he did surely a twelvemonth ago, over there in +England, never so much as sent me one line, good or bad, or his sister a +token to remember him by even!" + +"Had he but sent us the least bit of a word, or the least token in life, +I had been content," said the sister, wiping her eyes: "we don't so much +as know how he died." + +I took this moment to relate the circumstances of Michael Noonan's +death; and when I told them of his dying request about the half-guinea +and the silk handkerchief, they were all so much touched, that they +utterly forgot the ten-guinea draft, which I saw on the ground, in the +dirt, under the old man's feet, whilst he contemplated the half-guinea +which his _poor Michael_ had sent him: repeating, "Poor fellow! poor +fellow! 'twas all he had in the world. God bless him!--Poor Michael! he +was a wild chap! but none better to his parents than he while the life +was in him. Poor Michael!" + +In no country have I found such strong instances of filial affection as +in Ireland. Let the sons go where they may, let what will befall them, +they never forget their parents at home: they write to them constantly +the most affectionate letters, and send them a share of whatever they +earn. + +When I asked the daughter of this Noonan, why she had not married? the +old man answered, "That's her own fault--if it be a fault to abide by +an old father. She wastes her youth here, in the way your honour sees, +tending him who has none other to mind him." + +"Oh! let alone _that_," said the girl, with a cheerful smile; "we be too +poor to think of marrying yet, by a great deal! so, father dear, you're +no hinderance any way. For don't I know, and doesn't Jemmy there know, +that it's a sin and a shame, as my mother used to say, for them that +have nothing, to marry and set up house-keeping, like the rogue that +ruined my father?" + +"That's true," said the young man, with a heavy sigh; "but times will +mend, or we'll strive and mend them, with the blessing of God." + +I left this miserable but in admiration of the generosity of its +inhabitants. I desired the girl to come to Glenthorn Castle the next +day, that I might give her the silk handkerchief which her poor brother +had sent her. The more I inquired into the circumstances of this family, +the more cause I found for pity and approbation. The old man had been a +good farmer in his day, as the traditions of the aged, and the memories +of the young, were ready to witness; but he was unfortunately joined in +_co-partnership_ with a drunken rogue, who ran away, and left an arrear +of rent, which ruined Noonan. Mr. Hardcastle, the agent, called upon +him to pay it, and sold all that the old man possessed; and this being +insufficient to discharge the debt, he was forced to give up his farm, +and retire, with his daughter, to this hovel; and soon afterwards he +lost the use of his side by a paralytic stroke. + +I was so much pleased with the goodness of these poor people, that, in +despite of my indolent disposition, I bestirred myself the very next day +to find a better habitation for them on my own estate. I settled them, +infinitely to their satisfaction, in a small farm; and the girl married +her lover, who undertook to manage the farm for the old man. To my utter +surprise, I found that Mr. Hardcastle was affronted by the part I +took in this affair. He complained that I had behaved in a very +ungentlemanlike manner, and had spirited the tenants away from Lady +Ormsby's estate, against the regulation which he had laid down for +all _the_ tenants not to _emigrate_ from _the estate_. Jemmy Riley, it +seems, was one of the _cotters_ on the Ormsby estate, a circumstance +with which I was unacquainted; indeed I scarcely at that time understood +what was meant by a _cotter_. Mr. Hardcastle's complaint, in matter and +manner, was unintelligible to me; but I was quite content to leave off +visiting him, as he left off visiting me--but here the matter did not +stop. This over-wise and over-busy gentleman took upon him, amongst +other offices, the regulation of the markets in the town of Ormsby; and +as he apprehended, for reasons best and only known to himself, a year of +scarcity, he thought fit to keep down the price of oats and potatoes. +He would allow none to be sold in the market of Ormsby but at the +price which he stipulated. The poor people grumbled, and, to remedy the +injustice, made private bargains with each other. He had information of +this, and seized the corn that was selling above the price he had fixed. +Young Riley, Noonan's son-in-law, came to me to complain, that _his +little oats were seized and detained._ I remonstrated. Hardcastle +resented the appeal to me, and bid him wait and be damned. The young +man, who was rather of a hasty temper, and who did not much like either +to wait or be damned, seized his own oats, and was marching off, when +they were recaptured by Hardcastle's bailiff, whom young Riley knocked +down; and who, as soon as he got up again, went _straight_ and swore +examinations against Riley. Then I was offended, as I had a right to +be, by the custom of the country, with the magistrate who took an +examination against my tenant, without writing first to me. Then there +was a race between the examinations of _my_ justice of peace and _his_ +justice of peace. My indolence was conquered by my love of power: +I supported the contest; the affair came before our grand jury: I +conquered, and Mr. Hardcastle was ever after, of course, my enemy. +To English ears the possessive pronouns _my_ and _his_ may sound +extraordinary, prefixed to a justice of peace; but, in many parts +of Ireland, this language is perfectly correct. A great man talks of +_making_ a justice of the peace with perfect confidence; a very great +man talks with as much certainty of _making_ a sheriff; and a sheriff +makes the jury; and the jury makes the law. We must not forget, however, +that in England, during the reign of Elizabeth, a member of parliament +defined a justice of peace to be "an animal, who for half a dozen +chickens will dispense with half a dozen penal statutes." Time is +necessary to enforce the sanctions of legislation and civilization--But +I am anticipating reflections which I made at a much later period of my +life. To return to my history. + +My benevolence was soon checked by slight disappointments. Ellinor's +cottage, which I had taken so much pains to build, became a source of +mortification to me. One day I found my old nurse sitting at her +wheel, in the midst of the wreck and litter of all sorts of household +furniture, singing her favourite song of + + "There was a lady loved a swine: + Honey! says she, + I'll give ye a silver trough. + _Hunk!_ says he!" + +Ellinor seemed, alas! to have as little taste for the luxuries with +which I had provided her as the pig had for the silver trough. What I +called conveniences were to her incumbrances: she had not been used to +them; she was put out of her way; and it was a daily torment to one of +her habits, to keep her house clean and neat. + +There may be, as some philosophers assure us that there is, an innate +love of order in the human mind; but of this instinctive principle my +poor Ellinor was totally destitute. Her ornamented farm-house became, in +a wonderfully short time, a scene of dirt, rubbish, and confusion. There +was a partition between two rooms, which had been built with turf or +peat, instead of bricks, by the wise economy I had employed. Of course, +this was pulled down to get at the turf. The stairs also were pulled +down and burned, though there was no scarcity of firing. As the walls +were plastered and papered before they were quite dry, the paper grew +mouldy, and the plaster fell off. In the hurry of finishing, some of the +woodwork had but one coat of paint. In Ireland they have not faith in +the excellent Dutch proverb, _"Paint costs nothing."_ I could not get +my workmen to give a second coat of paint to any of the sashes, and +the wood decayed: divers panes of glass in the windows were broken, and +their places filled up with shoes, an old hat, or a bundle of rags. Some +of the slates were blown off one windy night: the slater lived at ten +miles distance, and before the slates were replaced, the rain came in, +and Ellinor was forced to make a bedchamber of the parlour, and then of +the kitchen, retreating from corner to corner as the rain pursued, till, +at last, when "it _would_ come _every way_ upon her bed," she +petitioned me to let her take the slates off and thatch the house; for +a slated-house, she said, was never so warm as a _tatched cabin_; and as +there was no smoke, she was _kilt_ with the _cowld_. + +In my life I never felt so angry. I was ten times more angry than when +Crawley ran away with my wife. In a paroxysm of passion, I reproached +Ellinor with being a savage, an Irish-woman, and an ungrateful fool. + +"Savage I am, for any thing I know; and _fool_ I am, that's certain; but +ungrateful I am not," said she, bursting into tears. She went home and +took to her bed; and the next thing I heard from her son was, "that +she was _lying in the rheumatism_, which had kept her awake many a long +night, before she would come to complain to my honour of the house, in +dread that I should blame myself for _sending of_ her into it _afore_ it +was dry." + +The rheumatism reconciled me immediately to Ellinor; I let her take her +own way, and thatch the house, and have as much smoke as she pleased, +and she recovered. But I did not entirely recover my desire to do +good to my poor tenants. After forming, in the first enthusiasm of my +benevolence, princely schemes for their advantage, my ardour was damped, +and my zeal discouraged, by a few slight disappointments. + +I did not consider, that there is often, amongst uncultivated people, +a mixture of obstinate and lazy content, which makes them despise the +luxuries of their richer neighbours; like those mountaineers, who, proud +of their own hard fare,[80] out of a singular species of contempt, call +the inhabitants of the plains _mange-rotis_, "eaters of roast meat." +I did not consider that it must take time to change local and national +habits and prejudices; and that it is necessary to raise a taste for +comforts, before they can be properly enjoyed. + +In the pettishness of my disappointment, I decided that it was in vain +to attempt to improve and civilize such people as the Irish. I did not +recollect, perhaps at that time I did not know, that even in the days +of the great Queen Elizabeth, "the greatest part of the buildings in +the cities and good towns of England consisted only of timber, cast over +with thick clay to keep out the wind. The new houses of the nobility +were indeed either of brick or stone; and glass windows were then +beginning to be used in England:"[81] and clean rushes were strewed over +the dirty floors of the royal palace. In the impatience of my zeal for +improvement, I expected to do the work of two hundred years in a few +months: and because I could not accelerate the progress of refinement in +this miraculous manner, I was out of humour with myself and with a whole +nation. So easily is the humanity of the rich and great disgusted and +discouraged! as if any people could be civilized in a moment, and at the +word of command of ignorant pride or despotic benevolence! + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + + "He saw--and but that admiration + Had been too active, too like passion, + Or had he been to _ton_ less true, + Cupid had shot him through and through." + +I have not thought it necessary to record every visit that I received +from all my country neighbours; but I must now mention one, which led +to important consequences; a visit from Sir Harry Ormsby, a very young +dashing man of fortune, who, in expectation of the happy moment when he +should be of age, resided with his mother, the dowager Lady Ormsby. Her +ladyship had heard that there had been some disagreement between her +agent, Mr. Hardcastle, and _my people_; but she took the earliest +opportunity of expressing her wishes, that our families should be on an +amicable footing. + +Lady Ormsby was just come to the country, with a large party of her +fashionable friends--some Irish, some English: Lord and Lady Kilrush; my +Lady Kildangan, and her daughter the Lady Geraldine ------; the knowing +widow O'Connor; the English _dasher_, Lady Hauton; the interesting Mrs. +Norton, _separated_ but not _parted_ from her husband; the pleasant +Miss Bland; the three Miss Ormsbys, better known by the name of the +Swanlinbar Graces; two English aides-de-camp from the Castle, and a +brace of brigadiers; besides other men of inferior note. + +I perceived that Sir Harry Ormsby took it for granted that I must be +acquainted with the pretensions of all these persons to celebrity; his +talkativeness and my taciturnity favoured me so fortunately, that he +never discovered the extent of my ignorance. He was obligingly impatient +to make me personally acquainted "with those of whom I must have heard +so much in England." Observing that Ormsby Villa was too far from +Glenthorn Castle for a morning visit, he pressed me to waive ceremony, +and to do Lady Ormsby and him the honour of spending a week with them, +as soon as I could make it convenient. I accepted this invitation, +partly from a slight emotion of curiosity, and partly from my habitual +inability to resist any reiterated importunity. + +Arrived at Ormsby Villa, and introduced to this crowd of people, I was +at first disappointed by seeing nothing extraordinary. I expected that +their manners would have been as strange to me as some of their +names appeared: but whether it was from my want of the powers of +discrimination, or from the real sameness of the objects, I could +scarcely, in this fashionable flock, discern any individual marks of +distinction. At first view, the married ladies appeared much the same as +those of a similar class in England, whom I had been accustomed to see. +The young ladies I thought, as usual, "best distinguished by black, +brown, and fair:" but I had not yet seen Lady Geraldine ------; and a +great part Of the conversation, the first day I was at Ormsby Villa, was +filled with lamentations on the unfortunate tooth-ache, which prevented +her ladyship from appearing. She was talked of so much, and as a person +of such importance, and so essential to the amusement of society, that +I could not help feeling a slight wish to see her. The next day at +breakfast she did not appear; but, five minutes before dinner, her +ladyship's humble companion whispered, "Now Lady Geraldine is coming, my +lord." I was always rather displeased to be called upon to attend to any +thing or any body, yet as Lady Geraldine entered, I gave one involuntary +glance of curiosity. I saw a tall, finely-shaped woman, with the +commanding air of a woman of rank; she moved well; not with feminine +timidity, but with ease, promptitude, and decision. She had fine eyes +and a fine complexion, yet no regularity of feature. The only thing +that struck me as really extraordinary was her indifference when I +was introduced to her. Every body had seemed extremely desirous that I +should see her ladyship, and that her ladyship should see me; and I was +rather surprised by her unconcerned air. This piqued me, and fixed my +attention. She turned from me, and began to converse with others. Her +voice was agreeable: she did not speak with the Irish accent; but, +when I listened maliciously, I detected certain Hibernian inflections; +nothing of the vulgar Irish idiom, but something that was more +interrogative, more exclamatory, and perhaps more rhetorical, than the +common language of English ladies, accompanied with much animation of +countenance and demonstrative gesture. This appeared to me peculiar and +unusual, but not affected. She was uncommonly eloquent, and yet, without +action, her words were not sufficiently rapid to express her ideas. +Her manner appeared foreign, yet it was not quite French. If I had been +obliged to decide, I should, however, have pronounced it rather more +French than English. To determine what it was, or whether I had ever +seen any thing similar, I stood considering her ladyship with more +attention than I had ever bestowed on any other woman. The words +_striking--fascinating--bewitching_, occurred to me as I looked at her +and heard her speak. I resolved to turn my eyes away, and shut my ears; +for I was positively determined not to like her, I dreaded so much the +idea of a second Hymen. I retreated to the farthest window, and looked +out very soberly upon a dirty fish-pond. Dinner was announced. I +observed Lady Kildangan manoeuvring to place me beside her daughter +Geraldine, but Lady Geraldine counteracted this movement. I was again +surprised and piqued. After yielding the envied position to one of the +Swanlinbar Graces, I heard Lady Geraldine whisper to her next neighbour, +"Baffled, mamma!" + +It was strange to me to feel piqued by a young lady's not choosing to +sit beside me. After dinner, I left the gentlemen as soon as possible, +because the conversation wearied me. Lord Kilrush, the chief orator, +was a courtier, and could talk of nothing but Dublin Castle, and my lord +lieutenant's levees. The moment that I went to the ladies, I was seized +upon by the officious Miss Bland: she could not speak of any thing but +Lady Geraldine, who sat at so great a distance, and who was conversing +with such animation herself, that she could not hear her _prôneuse_, +Miss Bland, inform me, that "her friend, Lady Geraldine, was extremely +clever; so clever, that many people were at first a little afraid of +her; but that there was not the least occasion; for that, where she +liked, nobody could be more affable and engaging." This judicious +friend, a minute afterwards, told me, as a very great secret, that +Lady Geraldine was an admirable mimic; that she could draw or speak +caricatures; that she was also wonderfully happy in the invention of +agnomens and cognomens, so applicable to the persons, that they could +scarcely be forgotten or forgiven. I was a little anxious to know +whether her ladyship would honour me with an agnomen. I could not learn +this from Miss Bland, and I was too prudent to betray my curiosity: I +afterwards heard it, however. Pairing me and Mr. M'Leod, whom she had +seen together, her ladyship observed, that _Sawney_ and _Yawney_ were +made for each other; and she sketched, in strong caricature, my relaxed +elongation of limb, and his rigid rectangularity. A slight degree of +fear of Lady Geraldine's powers kept my attention alert. In the course +of the evening, Lady Kildangan summoned her daughter to the music-room, +and asked me to come and hear an Irish song. I exerted myself so far as +to follow immediately; but though summoned, Lady Geraldine did not obey. +Miss Bland tuned the harp, and opened the music-books on the piano; but +no Lady Geraldine appeared. Miss Bland was sent backwards and forwards +with messages; but Lady Geraldine's ultimatum was, that she could not +possibly sing, because she was afraid of the tooth-ache. God knows, +her mouth had never been shut all the evening. "Well, but," said Lady +Kildangan, "she can play for us, cannot she?" No; her ladyship was +afraid of the cold in the music-room. "Do, my Lord Glenthorn, go and +tell the dear capricious creature, that we are very warm here." + +Very reluctantly I obeyed. The Lady Geraldine, with her circle round +her, heard and answered me with the air of a princess. + +"Do you the honour to play for you, my lord! Excuse me: I am no +professor--I play so ill, that I make it a rule never to play but for +my own amusement. If you wish for music, there is Miss Bland; she plays +incomparably, and I dare say will think herself happy to oblige your +lordship." I never felt so silly, or so much abashed, as at this +instant. "This comes," thought I, "of acting out of character. What +possessed me to exert myself to ask a lady to play? I, that have been +tired to death of music! Why did I let myself be sent ambassador, when I +had no interest in the embassy?" + +To convince myself and others of my apathy, I threw myself on a sofa, +and never stirred or spoke the remainder of the night. I presume I +appeared fast asleep, else Lady Geraldine would not have said, within +my hearing, "Mamma wants me to catch somebody, and to be caught by +somebody; but that will not be; for, do you know, I think somebody is +nobody." + +I was offended as much as it was in my nature to be offended, and I +began to meditate apologies for shortening my visit at Ormsby Villa: +but, though I was shocked by the haughtiness of Lady Geraldine, and +accused her, in my own mind, of want of delicacy and politeness, yet I +could not now suspect her of being an accomplice with her mother in any +matrimonial designs upon me. From the moment I was convinced of this, my +conviction was, I suppose, visible to her ladyship's penetrating +eyes, and from that instant she showed me that she could be polite and +agreeable. Now, soothed to a state of ease and complacency, I might have +sunk to indifference and ennui, but fresh singularities in this lady +struck me, and kept my attention awake and fixed upon her character. If +she had treated me with tolerable civility at first, I never should have +thought about her. High-born and high-bred, she seemed to consider +more what she thought of others than what others thought of her. Frank, +candid, and affable, yet opinionated, insolent, and an egotist, her +candour and affability appeared the effect of a naturally good temper, +her insolence and egotism only those of a spoiled child. She seemed +to talk of herself purely to oblige others, as the most interesting +possible topic of conversation; for such it had always been to her +fond mother, who idolized her ladyship as an only daughter, and the +representative of an ancient house. Confident of her talents, conscious +of her charms, and secure of her station, Lady Geraldine gave free scope +to her high spirits, her fancy, and her turn for ridicule. She looked, +spoke, and acted, like a person privileged to think, say, and do, what +she pleased. Her raillery, like the raillery of princes, was without +fear of retort. She was not ill-natured, yet careless to whom she gave +offence, provided she produced amusement; and in this she seldom failed; +for, in her conversation, there was much of the raciness of Irish wit, +and the oddity of Irish humour. The singularity that struck me most +about her ladyship was her indifference to flattery. She certainly +preferred frolic. Miss Bland was her humble companion; Miss Tracey her +_butt_. Her ladyship appeared to consider Miss Bland as a necessary +appendage to her rank and person, like her dress or her shadow; and she +seemed to think no more of the one than of the other. She suffered Miss +Bland to follow her; but she would go in quest of n Miss Tracey. Miss +Bland was allowed to speak; but her ladyship listened to Miss Tracey. +Miss Bland seldom obtained an answer; but Miss Tracey never opened her +lips without a repartee. + +In describing Miss Tracey, Lady Geraldine said, "Poor simpleton! she +cannot help imitating all she sees us do; yet, would you believe it, she +really has starts of common sense, and some tolerable ideas of her own. +Spoiled by bad company! In the language of the bird-fanciers, she has a +few notes nightingale, and all the rest rubbish." + +It was one of Lady Geraldine's delights to humour Miss Tracey's rage for +imitating the fashions of fine people. + +"Now you shall see Miss Tracey appear at the ball to-morrow, in every +thing that I have sworn to her is fashionable. Nor have I cheated her +in a single article: but the _tout ensemble_ I leave to her better +judgment; and you shall see her, I trust, a perfect monster, formed of +every creature's best: Lady Kilrush's feathers, Mrs. Moore's wig, Mrs. +O'Connor's gown, Mrs. Lighton's sleeves, and all the necklaces of all +the Miss Ormsbys. She has no taste, no judgment; none at all, poor +thing! but she can imitate as well as those Chinese painters, who, in +their drawings, give you the flower of one plant stuck on the stalk of +another, and garnished with the leaves of a third." + +Miss Tracey's appearance the ensuing night justified all Lady +Geraldine's predictions, and surpassed her ladyship's most sanguine +hopes. Even I, albeit unused to the laughing mood, could not forbear +smiling at the humour and ease with which her ladyship played off this +girl's credulous vanity. + +At breakfast the next morning, Lord Kilrush, in his grave manner (always +too solemn by half for the occasion), declared, "that no man was more +willing than himself to enter into a jest in proper time, and season, +and measure, and so forth; but that it was really, positively, morally +unjustifiable, in _his_ apprehension, _the making_ this poor girl so +publicly ridiculous." + +"My good lord," replied Lady Geraldine, "all the world are ridiculous +some way or other: some in public, some in private. Now," continued she, +with an appealing look to the whole company, "now, after all, what is +there more extravagant in my Miss Tracey's delighting, at sixteen, in +six yards of pink riband, than in your courtier sighing, at sixty, for +three yards of blue riband? or what is there more ridiculous in her +coming simpering into a ball-room, fancying herself the mirror of +fashion, when she is a figure for a print-shop, than in the courtier +rising solemnly in the House of Lords, believing himself an orator, and +expecting to make a vast reputation, by picking up, in every debate, the +very worst arguments that every body else let fall? There would be no +living in this world, if we were all to see and expose one another's +_ridicules_. My plan is much the best--to help my friends to expose +themselves, and then they are infinitely obliged to me." + +Satisfied with silencing all opposition, and seeing that the majority +was with her, Lady Geraldine persisted in her course; and I was glad +she was incorrigible, because her faults entertained me. As to love, I +thought I was perfectly safe; because, though I admired her quickness +and cleverness, yet I still, at times, perceived, or fancied I +perceived, some want of polish, and elegance, and _tact_. She was not +exactly cut out according to my English pattern of a woman of fashion; +so I thought I might amuse myself without danger, as it was partly at +her ladyship's expense. But about this time I was alarmed for myself by +a slight twinge of jealousy. As I was standing lounging upon the steps +at the hall-door, almost as ennuyé as usual, I saw a carriage at a +distance, between the trees, driving up the _approach_; and, at the same +instant, I heard Lady Geraldine's eager voice in the hall, "Oh! they are +coming; he is coming; they are come. Run, Miss Bland, run, and give Lord +Craiglethorpe my message before he gets out of the carriage--before any +body sees him." + +Afraid of hearing what I should not hear, I walked down the steps +deliberately, and turned into a shrubbery-walk, to leave the coast +clear. Out ran Miss Bland: and then it was that I felt the twinge--very +slight, however. "Who is this Lord Craiglethorpe, with whom Lady +Geraldine is on such favourable terms? I wonder what kind of looking man +he is; and what could _the message_ mean?--but, at all events, it cannot +concern me; yet I am curious to see this Lord Craiglethorpe. I wonder +any woman can like a man with so strange a name: but does she like him, +after all?--Why do I plague myself about it?" + +As I returned from my saunter, I was met by Miss Bland. + +"A charming day, ma'am," said I, endeavouring to pass on. + +"A charming day, my lord! But I must stop your lordship a moment. Oh, I +am so out of breath--I went the wrong way----" + +"The wrong way! Indeed! I am sorry. I am concerned you should have had +so much trouble." + +"No trouble in the world. Only I want to beg you'll keep our secret--my +Lady Geraldine's secret." + +"Undoubtedly, madam--a man of honour--Lady Geraldine cannot doubt--her +ladyship's secret is perfectly safe." + +"But do you know it? You don't know it yet, my lord." + +"Pardon me; I was on the steps just now. I thought you saw me." + +"I did, my lord--but I don't understand----" + +"Nor I, neither," interrupted I, half laughing; for I began to think +I was mistaken in my suspicions; "pray explain yourself, my dear Miss +Bland: I was very rude to be so quick in interrupting you." + +Miss Bland then made me the confidant of a charming scheme of Lady +Geraldine's for quizzing Miss Tracey. + +"She has never in her life seen Lord Craiglethorpe, who is an English +lord travelling through Ireland," continued Miss Bland. "Now, you must +know, that Miss Tracey is passionately fond of lords, let them be what +they may. Now, Lord Craiglethorpe, this very morning, sent his groom +with a note and excuse to Lady Ormsby, for not coming to us to-day; +because, he said, he was bringing down in the chaise with him a +surveyor, to survey his estate _near here_; and he could not possibly +think of bringing the surveyor, who is a low man, to Ormsby Villa. But +Lady Ormsby would take no apology, and wrote by the groom to beg that +Lord Craiglethorpe would make no scruple of bringing the surveyor; for +you know she is so polite and accommodating, and all that. Well, the +note was scarcely gone, before Lady Geraldine thought of her charming +scheme, and regretted, _of all things_, she had not put _it_ into it." + +"_It into it!_" repeated I to myself. "Ma'am," said I, looking a little +bewildered. + +"But," continued my clear narrator, "I promised to remedy _all that_, by +running to meet the carriage, which was what I ran for when you saw me, +my lord, in such a hurry." + +I bowed--and was as wise as ever. + +"So, my lord, you comprehend, that the surveyor, whose name, whose +odious name, is Gabbitt, is to be my Lord Craiglethorpe, and my Lord +Craiglethorpe is to be passed for Mr. Gabbitt upon Miss Tracey; and, you +will see, Miss Tracey will admire Mr. Gabbitt prodigiously, and call him +vastly genteel, when she thinks him a lord. Your lordship will keep our +secret; and she is sure Lord Craiglethorpe will do any thing to oblige +her, because he is a near connexion of hers. But, I assure you, it is +not every body could get Lord Craiglethorpe to join in a joke; for he is +very stiff, and cold, and high. Of course your lordship will know which +is the real lord at first sight. He is a full head taller than Gabbitt." + +Never was explanation finally more satisfactory: and whether the jest +was really well contrived and executed, or whether I was put into a +humour to think so, I cannot exactly determine; but, I confess, I was +amused with the scenes that followed, though I felt that they were not +quite justifiable even in jest. + +The admiration of Miss Tracey for _the false Craiglethorpe_, as Lady +Geraldine called Mr. Gabbitt; the awkwardness of Mr. Gabbitt with his +title, and the awkwardness of Lord Craiglethorpe without it, were fine +subjects of her ladyship's satirical humour. + +In another point of view, Lord Craiglethorpe afforded her ladyship +amusement; as an English traveller, full of English prejudices against +Ireland and every thing Irish. Whenever Miss Tracey was out of the room, +Lady Geraldine allowed Lord Craiglethorpe to be himself again; but +he did not fare the better for this restoration to his honours. Lady +Geraldine contrived to make him as ridiculous in his real as in his +assumed character. Lord Craiglethorpe was, as Miss Bland had described +him, very stiff, cold, and _high_. His manners were in the extreme of +English reserve, and his ill-bred show of contempt for the Irish was +sufficient provocation and justification of Lady Geraldine's ridicule. +He was much in awe of his fair and witty cousin: she could easily put +him out of countenance, for he was extremely bashful. + +His lordship had that sort of bashfulness which makes a man surly and +obstinate in his taciturnity; which makes him turn upon all who approach +him, as if they were going to assault him; which makes him answer a +question as if it were an injury, and repel a compliment as if it were +an insult. Once, when he was out of the room, Lady Geraldine exclaimed, +"That cousin Craiglethorpe of mine is scarcely an agreeable man: the +awkwardness of _mauvaise honte_ might be pitied and pardoned, even in +a nobleman," continued her ladyship, "if it really proceeded from +humility; but here, when I know it is connected with secret and +inordinate arrogance, 'tis past all endurance. Even his ways of sitting +and standing provoke me, they are so self-sufficient. Have you +observed how he stands at the fire? Oh, the caricature of '_the English +fire-side_' outdone! Then, if he sits, we hope that change of posture +may afford our eyes transient relief: but worse again; bolstered up, +with his back against his chair, his hands in his pockets, and his legs +thrown out, in defiance of all passengers and all decorum, there he +sits, in magisterial silence, throwing a gloom upon all conversation. As +the Frenchman said of the Englishman, for whom even his politeness could +not find another compliment, 'Il faut avouer que ce monsieur a un grand +talent pour le silence;' he holds his tongue, till the people actually +believe that he has something to say; a mistake they could never fall +into if he would but speak." + +Some of the company attempted to interpose a word or two in favour of +Lord Craiglethorpe's timidity, but the vivacious and merciless lady went +on. + +"I tell you, my good friends, it is not timidity--it is all pride. I +would pardon his dulness, and even his ignorance; for one, as you say, +might be the fault of his nature, and the other of his education: but +his self-sufficiency is his own fault, and that I will not, and cannot +pardon. Somebody says, that nature may make a fool, but a coxcomb is +always of his own making. Now, my cousin--(as he is my cousin, I may say +what I please of him)--my cousin Craiglethorpe is a solemn coxcomb, who +thinks, because his vanity is not talkative and sociable, that it's +not vanity. What a mistake! his silent superciliousness is to me more +intolerable than the most garrulous egotism that ever laid itself open +to my ridicule." + +Miss Bland and Miss Ormsby both confessed that Lord Craiglethorpe was +vastly too silent. + +"For the honour of my country," continued Lady Geraldine, "I am +determined to make this man talk, and he shall say all that I know he +thinks of us poor Irish savages. If he would but speak, one could answer +him: if he would find fault, one might defend: if he would laugh, one +might perhaps laugh again: but here he comes to hospitable, open-hearted +Ireland; eats as well as he can in his own country; drinks better than +he can in his own country; sleeps as well as he can in his own country; +accepts all our kindness without a word or a look of thanks, and seems +the whole time to think, that, 'Born for his use, we live but to oblige +him.' There he is at this instant: look at him, walking in the park, +with his note-book in his hand, setting down our faults, and conning +them by rote. We are even with him. I understand, Lady Kilrush, that my +bright cousin Craiglethorpe means to write a book, a great book, upon +Ireland." + +Lady Kilrush replied, that she understood Lord Craiglethorpe had it in +contemplation to publish a Tour through Ireland, or a View of Ireland, +or something of that nature. + +"He! with his means of acquiring information!" exclaimed Lady Geraldine. +"Posting from one great man's house to another, what can he see or know +of the manners of any rank of people but of the class of gentry, which +in England and Ireland is much the same? As to the lower classes, I +don't think he ever speaks to them; or, if he does, what good can it do +him? for he can't understand their modes of expression, nor they his: +if he inquire about a matter of fact, I defy him to get the truth out of +them, if they don't wish to tell it; and, for some reason or other, they +will, nine times in ten, not wish to tell it to an Englishman. There is +not a man, woman, or child, in any cabin in Ireland, who would not have +wit and _'cuteness_ enough to make _my lard_ believe just what they +please. So, after posting from Dublin to Cork, and from the Giants' +Causeway to Killarney; after travelling east, west, north, and south, my +wise cousin Craiglethorpe will know just as much of the lower Irish as +the cockney who has never been out of London, and who has never, _in +all his born days_, seen an Irishman but on the English stage; where +the representations are usually as like the originals, as the Chinese +pictures of lions, drawn from description, are to the real animal." + +"Now! now! look at his lordship!" cried Miss Bland; "he has his +note-book out again." + +"Mercy on us!" said Miss Callwell, "how he is writing!" + +"Yes, yes, write on, my good cousin Craiglethorpe," pursued Lady +Geraldine, "and nil the little note-book, which will soon turn to a +ponderous quarto. I shall have a copy, bound in morocco, no doubt, +_from the author_, if I behave myself prettily; and I will earn it, +by supplying valuable information. You shall see, my friends, how I'll +deserve well of my country, if you'll only keep my counsel and your own +countenances." + +Presently Lord Craiglethorpe entered the room, walking very pompously, +and putting his note-book up as he advanced. + +"Oh, my dear lord, open the book again; I have a bull for you." + +Lady Geraldine, after putting his lordship in good humour by this +propitiatory offering of a bull, continued to supply him, either +directly or indirectly, by some of her confederates, with the most +absurd anecdotes, incredible _facts_, stale jests, and blunders, such as +were never made by true-born Irishmen; all which my Lord Craiglethorpe +took down with an industrious sobriety, at which the spectators could +scarcely refrain from laughing. Sometimes he would pause, and exclaim, +"A capital anecdote! a curious fact! May I give my authority? may I +quote your ladyship?" + +"Yes, if you'll pay me a compliment in the preface," whispered Lady +Geraldine: "and now, dear cousin, do go up stairs _and put it all in +ink._" + +When she had despatched the noble author, her ladyship indulged her +laughter. "But now," cried she, "only imagine a set of sober English +readers studying my cousin Craiglethorpe's New View of Ireland, and +swallowing all the nonsense it will contain!" + +When Lord Kilrush remonstrated against the cruelty of letting the man +publish such stuff, and represented it as a fraud upon the public, Lady +Geraldine laughed still more, and exclaimed, "Surely you don't think I +would use the public and my poor cousin so ill. No, I am doing him and +the public the greatest possible service. Just when he is going to leave +us, when the writing-box is packed, I will step up to him, and tell him +the truth. I will show him what a farrago of nonsense he has collected +as materials for his quarto; and convince him at once how utterly unfit +he is to write a book, at least a book on Irish affairs. Won't this be +deserving well of my country and of my cousin?" + +Neither on this occasion, nor on any other, were the remonstrances of my +Lord Kilrush of power to stop the course of this lady's flow of spirits +and raillery. + +Whilst she was going on in this manner with the real Lord Craiglethorpe, +Miss Tracey was taking charming walks in the park with Mr. Gabbitt, and +the young lady began to be seriously charmed with her false lord. This +was carrying the jest farther, than Lady Geraldine had intended +or foreseen; and her good-nature would probably have disposed her +immediately to dissolve the enchantment, had she not been provoked by +the interference of Lord Kilrush, and the affected sensibility of Miss +Clementina Ormsby, who, to give me an exalted opinion of her delicacy, +expostulated incessantly in favour of the deluded fair one. "But, my +dear Lady Geraldine, I do assure you, it really hurts my feelings. This +is going too far--when it comes to the heart. I can't laugh, I own--the +poor girl's affections will be engaged--she is really falling in love +with this odious surveyor." + +"But now, my dear Clementina, I do assure you, it really hurts my +feelings to hear you talk so childishly. 'When it comes to the heart!' +'affections engaged!' You talk of falling in love as if it were a +terrible fall: for my part, I should pity a person much more for falling +down stairs. Why, my dear, where is the mighty height from which Miss +Tracey could fall? She does not live in the clouds, Clementina, as you +do. No ladies live there now; for the best of all possible reasons, +because there are no men there. So, my love, make haste and come down, +before you are out of your teens, or you may chance to be left there +till you are an angel or an old maid. Trust me, my dear, I, who have +tried, tell you, there is no such thing as falling in love, now-a-days: +you may slip, slide, or stumble; but to fall in love, I defy you." + +I saw Lady Kildangan's eyes fix upon me as her daughter pronounced the +last sentence. + +"Geraldine, my dear, you do not know what you are talking about," said +her ladyship. "Your time may come, Geraldine. Nobody should be too +courageous. Cupid does not like to be defied." + +Lady Kildangan walked away as she spoke, with a very well-satisfied +air, leaving a party of us young people together. Lady Geraldine looked +haughtily vexed. When in this mood, her wit gave no quarter; spared +neither sex nor age. + +"Every body says," whispered she, "that mamma is the most artful woman +in the world; and I should believe it, only that every body says it: +now, if it were true, nobody would know it." + +Lady Geraldine's air of disdain towards me was resumed. I did not quite +understand. Was it pride? was it coquetry? She certainly blushed deeply, +and for the first time that I ever saw her blush, when her mother said, +"Your time may come, Geraldine." + +My week being now at an end, I resolved to take my leave. When I +announced this resolution, I was assailed with the most pressing +entreaties to stay a few days longer--one day longer. Lady Ormsby and +Sir Harry said every thing that could be said upon the occasion: indeed, +it seemed a matter of general interest to all, except to Lady Geraldine. +She appeared wholly indifferent, and I was not even gratified by any +apparent affectation of desiring my departure. Curiosity to see whether +this would be sustained by her ladyship to the last, gave me resolution +sufficient to resist the importunities of Sir Harry; and I departed, +rejoicing that my indifference was equal to her ladyship's. As Tasso +said of some fair one, whom he met at the carnival of Mantua, _I ran +some risk of falling in love._ I had been so far roused from my habitual +apathy that I actually made some reflections. As I returned home, I +began to perceive that there was some difference between woman and +woman, besides the distinctions of rank, fortune, and figure. I think I +owe to Lady Geraldine my first relish for wit, and my first idea that a +woman might be, if not a reasonable, at least a companionable animal. I +compared her ladyship with the mere puppets and parrots of fashion, of +whom I had been wearied; and I began to suspect that one might find, +in a lady's "lively nonsense," a relief from ennui. These reflections, +however, did not prevent me from sleeping the greatest part of the +morning on my way home; nor did I dream of any thing that I can +remember. + +At the porter's lodge I saw Ellinor sitting at her spinning-wheel; and +my thoughts took up my domestic affairs just where I had left them the +preceding week. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +In vain I attempted to interest myself in my domestic affairs; the +silence and solitude of my own castle appeared to me intolerably +melancholy, after my return from Ormsby Villa. There was a blank in my +existence during a week, in which I can remember nothing that I did, +said, or thought, except what passed during one ride, which Mr. McLeod +compelled my politeness to take with him. He came with the same face +to see me, and the same set of ideas, as those he had before I went to +Ormsby Villa. He began to talk of my schemes for improving my tenantry, +and of my wish that he should explain his notions relative to the +education of the poor of Ireland, which, he said, as I now seemed to be +at leisure, he was ready to do as concisely as possible. _As concisely +as possible_ were the only words of his address that I heard with +satisfaction; but of course I bowed, said I was much obliged, and I +should be happy to have the advantage of Mr. M'Leod's opinions and +sentiments. What these were I cannot recollect, for I settled myself +in a reverie soon after his voice began to sound upon my ear; but I +remember at last he wakened me, by proposing that I should ride with him +to see a school-house and some cottages, which he had built on a little +estate of his own in my neighbourhood: "for," said he, "'tis better, my +lord, to show you what can be done with these people, than to talk of +what might be effected." + +"Very true," said I, agreeing readily; because I wanted to finish a +conversation that wearied me, and to have a refreshing ride. It was a +delightful evening; and when we came on M'Leod's estate, I really could +not help being pleased and interested. In an unfavourable situation, +with all nature, vegetable and animal, against him, he had actually +created a paradise amid the wilds. There was nothing wonderful in +any thing I saw around me; but there was such an air of neatness and +comfort, order and activity, in the people and in their cottages, that +I almost thought myself in England; and I could not forbear +exclaiming,--"How could all this be brought about in Ireland!" + +"Chiefly by not doing and not expecting too much at first," said M'Leod. +"We took time, and had patience. We began by setting them the example +of some very slight improvements, and then, lured on by the sight of +success, they could make similar trials themselves. My wife and I went +among them, and talked to them in their cottages, and took an interest +in their concerns, and did not want to have every thing our own way; +and when they saw that, they began to consider which way was best; so +by degrees we led where we could not have driven; and raised in them, +by little and little, a taste for conveniences and comforts. Then the +business was done; for the moment the taste and ambition were excited; +to work the people went to gratify them; and according as they exerted +themselves, we helped them. Perhaps it was best for them and for us, +that we were not rich; for we could not do too much at a time, and were +never tempted to begin grand schemes that we could not finish. There," +said McLeod, pointing to a cottage with a pretty porch covered with +woodbine, and a neat garden, in which many children were busily at work, +"that house and that garden were the means of doing all the rest; that +is our school-house. We could not expect to do much with the old, +whose habits were fixed; but we tried to give the young children better +notions, and it was a long time before we could bring that to bear. +Twenty-six years we have been at this work; and in that time if we have +done any thing, it was by beginning with the children: a race of our own +training has now grown up, and they go on in the way they were taught, +and prosper to our hearts' content, and, what is better still, to their +hearts' content." + +McLeod, habitually grave and taciturn, seemed quite enlivened and +talkative this day; but I verily believe that not the slightest +ostentation or vanity inspired him, for I never before or since heard +him talk or allude to his own good deeds: I am convinced his motive was +to excite me to persevere in my benevolent projects, by showing what +had been done by small means. He was so truly in earnest that he never +perceived how tired I was; indeed he was so little in the habit of +expecting sympathy or applause, that he never missed even the ordinary +expressions of concurrent complaisance. + +"Religion," continued he, "is the great difficulty in Ireland. We make +no difference between Protestants and Catholics; we always have admitted +both into our school. The priest comes on Saturday morning, and the +parish minister on Saturday evening, to hear the children belonging +to each church their catechisms, and to instruct them in the tenets +of their faith. And as we keep to our word, and never attempt making +proselytes, nor directly or indirectly interfere with their religious +opinions, the priests are glad to let us instruct the catholic children +in all other points, which they plainly see must advance their temporal +interests." + +Mr. McLeod invited me to go in and look at the school. "In a hedge or +ditch school," said he, "which I once passed on this road, and in +which I saw a crowd of idle children, I heard the schoolmaster cry out, +'Rehearse! rehearse! there's company going by; and instantly all the +boys snatched up their books, and began gabbling as fast as ever they +could, to give an idea to the passenger of their diligence in repeating +their lessons. But here, my lord," continued M'Leod, "you will not see +any exhibitions _got up_ for company. I hate such tricks. Walk in, my +lord, if you please." + +I walked in; but am ashamed to say, that I observed only that every +thing looked as if it had been used for many years, and yet not worn +out; and the whole school appeared as if all were in their places, and +occupied and intent upon their business: but this general recollection +is all I have retained. The enthusiasm for improvement had subsided in +my mind; and though I felt a transient pleasure in the present picture +of the happiness of these poor people and their healthy children, yet, +as I rode home, the images faded away like a dream. I resolved, indeed, +at some future period, to surpass all that Mr. M'Leod had done, or +all that with his narrow income he could ever accomplish; and to this +resolution I was prompted by jealousy of this man, rather than by +benevolence. Before I had arranged, even in imagination, my plans, young +Ormsby came one morning, and pressed me to return with him to Ormsby +Villa. I yielded to his solicitations and to my own wishes. When I +arrived, the ladies were all at their toilettes, except Miss Bland, who +was in the book-room with the gentlemen, ready to receive me with her +perpetual smile. Wherever Miss Bland went, she was always _l'amie de la +maison_, accustomed to share with the lady of the house the labour of +entertaining her guests. This _double_ of Lady Ormsby talked to me +most courteously of all the nothings of the day, and informed me of the +changes which had taken place in the ever-varying succession of company +at Ormsby Villa. The two brigadiers and one of the aides-de-camp were +gone; but Captain Andrews, another castle aide-de-camp, was come, and my +Lord O'Toole had arrived. Then followed a by-conversation between Miss +Bland and some of the gentlemen, about the joy and sorrow which his +lordship's arrival would create in the hearts of two _certain ladies_; +one of whom, as I gathered from the innuendoes, was Lady Hauton, and the +other Lady O'Toole. As I knew nothing of Dublin intrigues and scandal, I +was little attentive to all this. Miss Bland, persisting in entertaining +me, proceeded to inform me, that my Lord O'Toole had brought down with +him Mr. Cecil Devereux, who was a wit and a poet, very handsome +and gallant, and one of the most fashionable young men in Dublin. I +determined not to like him--I always hated a flourish of trumpets; +whoever enters, announced in this parading manner, appears to +disadvantage. Mr. Cecil Devereux entered just as the flourish ceased. +He was not at all the sort of person I was prepared to see: though +handsome, and with the air of a man used to good company, there was +nothing of a coxcomb in his manner; on the contrary, there was such an +appearance of carelessness about himself, and deference towards others, +that, notwithstanding the injudicious praise that had been bestowed +on him, and my consequent resolution to dislike him, I was pleased and +familiar with him before I had been ten minutes in his company. Lord +Kilrush introduced him to me, with great pomposity, as a gentleman of +talents, for whom he and his brother O'Toole interested themselves much. +This air of patronage, I saw, disgusted Mr. Devereux; and instead of +suffering himself to be _shown off_, he turned the conversation from +his own poems to general subjects. He asked me some questions about +a curious cavern, or subterraneous way, near Glenthorn Castle, which +stretched from the sea-shore to a considerable distance under the rock, +and communicated with an old abbey near the castle. Mr. Devereux said +that such subterraneous places had been formerly used in Ireland +as granaries by the ancient inhabitants; but a gentleman of the +neighbourhood who was present observed, that the caverns on this coast +had, within his memory, been used as hiding-places by smugglers: on +this hint Lord Kilrush began a prosing dissertation upon smugglers and +contraband traders, and talked to me a prodigious deal about exports and +imports, and bounties, and the balance of trade. Not one word he said +did I comprehend, and I question whether his lordship understood +the subjects upon which he spoke so dictatorially; but he thought he +succeeded in giving me an opinion of his wisdom and information. His +brother O'Toole appeared next: he did not look like a man of gallantry, +as I had been taught to expect from the hints thrown out respecting Lady +Hauton; his lordship's whole soul seemed devoted to ambition, and he +talked so much of great men, and state affairs, and court intrigues, and +honours and preferments, that I began to fancy I had been buried alive, +because I knew little of these things. I was tired of hearing him, yet +mortified that I could not speak exactly in the same manner, and with +the same air of being the best possible authority. I began to wish +that I also had some interest at court. The cares and troubles of the +ambitious man, so utterly repugnant to the indolence of my disposition, +vanished in this moment of infatuation from my view, and I thought only +of the pleasures of power. Such is the infectious nature of ambition! + +Mr. Devereux helped me to throw off this dangerous contagion, before it +did me any injury. He happened to stay in the room with me a quarter +of an hour after the other gentlemen went to dress. Though not often +disposed to conversation with a stranger, yet I was won by this +gentleman's easy address: he politely talked of the English fashionable +world, with which he knew that I was well acquainted; I, with equal +politeness, recurred to the Irish great world: we fastened together upon +Lord O'Toole, who took us to Dublin Castle; and I began to express my +regret that I had not yet been at the Irish court, and that I had not +earlier in life made myself of political consequence. + +"Ambition," said I, "might help to keep a man awake and alive; all +common pleasures have long since ceased to interest me--they really +cannot make me stir." + +"My lord," said Mr. Devereux, "you would do better to sit or lie still +all your life than to toil for such vain objects. + + 'Full little knowest thou that hast not tried, + What hell it is in sueing long to bide;' + +Your lordship may remember Spenser's description of that hell?" + +"Not exactly," said I, unwilling to lower the good opinion this +gentleman seemed to have taken for granted of my literature. He took +Spenser's poems out of the book-case, and I actually rose from my seat +to read the passage; for what trouble will not even the laziest of +mortals take to preserve the esteem of one by whom he sees that he is +over-valued. I read the following ten lines without yawning! + + "Full little knowest thou that hast not tried, + What hell it is in sueing long to bide; + To lose good days, that might be better spent, + To waste long nights in pensive discontent, + To speed to-day, to be put back to-morrow, + To feed on hope, to pine with fear and sorrow, + To fret thy soul with crosses and with cares, + To eat thy heart through comfortless despairs, + To fawn, to crouch, to wait, to ride, to run, + To spend, to give, to want, to be undone." + +"Very strong, indeed," said I, with a competent air, as if used to judge +of poetry. + +"And it comes with still greater force, when we consider by whom it +was written. A man, you know, my lord, who had been secretary to a lord +lieutenant." + +I felt my nascent ambition die away within me. I acknowledged it was +better to spend an easy life. My determination was confirmed at this +instant by the appearance of Lady Geraldine. Ambition and love, it is +said, are incompatible passions. Neither of them had yet possession of +my heart; but love and Lady Geraldine had perhaps a better chance than +ambition and Lord O'Toole. Lady Geraldine appeared in high spirits; and, +though I was not a vain man, I could not help fancying that my return +to Ormsby Villa contributed to her charming vivacity. This gratified me +secretly and soberly, as much as it visibly delighted her mother. Miss +Bland, to pay her court to Lady Kildangan, observed that Lady Geraldine +was in uncommonly fine spirits this evening. Lady Geraldine threw back a +haughty frown over her left shoulder: this was the only time I ever +saw her notice, in any manner, any thing that fell from her obsequious +friend. To avert the fair one's displeasure, I asked for Miss Tracey and +Mr. Gabbitt. + +"Mr. Gabbitt," said her ladyship, resuming her good-humour instantly; +"Mr. Gabbitt is gone off the happiest man in Ireland, with the hopes +of surveying my Lord O'Toole's estate; a good job, which I was bound +in honour to obtain for him, as a reward for taking a good joke. After +mocking him with the bare imagination of a feast, you know the Barmecide +in the Arabian Tales gave poor Shakabac a substantial dinner, a full +equivalent for the jest." + +"And Miss Tracey." said I, "what did your ladyship do for her?" + +"I persuaded her mamma that the sweet creature was falling into an +atrophy. So she carried the forlorn damsel post haste to the Black Rock +for the recovery of her health, or her heart. Clementina, my dear, no +reproachful looks; in your secret soul do not you know, that I could not +do a young lady a greater favour than to give her a plausible excuse for +getting away from home?" + +I was afraid that Lady Geraldine would feel the want of her butt; +however, I found that Miss Tracey's place was supplied by Captain +Andrews, one of the Castle's aides-de-camp; and when Captain Andrews was +out of the way, Lord Kilrush and his brother O'Toole were _good +marks_. High and mighty as these personages thought themselves, and +respectfully, nay obsequiously, as they were treated by most others, to +this lady their characters appeared only a good _study_; and to laugh at +them seemed only a _good practice_. + +"Perhaps, my lord," said she to me, "you do not yet know my Lord +O'Toole?" + +"I have had the honour to be introduced to him." + +"That's well; for he thinks that, + + 'Not to know him, argues yourself unknown.' + +But as your lordship is a stranger in this country, you may be pardoned; +and I will make you better acquainted with him. I suppose you know there +are many Tooles in Ireland; some very ancient, respectable, and useful: +this, however, is but a mere political tool, and the worst of all tools, +a cat's paw. There's one thing to the credit of these brothers, they +agree vastly well; for one delights in being always on the stage, +and the other always behind the scenes. These brothers, with Captain +Andrews--I hope they are none of them within hearing--form a charming +trio, all admirable in their way. My Lord O'Toole is--artifice +without art. My Lord Kilrush--importance without power. And Captain +Andrews--pliability without ease. Poor Andrews! he's a defenceless +animal--safe in impenetrable armour. Give him but time--as a man said, +who once showed me a land-tortoise--give him but time to draw his head +into his shell, and a broad-wheeled waggon may go over him without +hurting him. Lord Glenthorn, did you ever observe Captain Andrews's mode +of conversation?" + +"No; I never heard him converse." + +"Converse! nor I indeed; but you have heard him talk." "I have heard him +say--_Very true_--and _Of course_." + +"Lord Glenthorn is quite severe this evening," said Mrs. O'Connor. + +"But though your lordship," continued Lady Geraldine, "may have observed +Captain Andrews's wonderful economy of words, do you know whence +it arises? Perhaps you think from his perception of his own want of +understanding." + +"Not from his perception of the want," said I. + +"Again! again!" said Mrs. O'Connor, with an insulting tone of surprise; +"Lord Glenthorn's quite witty this evening." + +Lady Geraldine looked as if she were fully sensible of the want of +politeness in Mrs. O'Connor's mode of praising. "But, my lord," pursued +she, "you wrong Captain Andrews, if you attribute his monosyllabic +replies either to stupidity or timidity. You have not guessed the reason +why he never gives on any subject more than half an opinion." + +"It was in the diplomatic school he was taught that art," said Mr. +Devereux. + +"You must know," pursued Lady Geraldine, "that Captain Andrews is only +an aide-de-camp till a diplomatic situation can be found for him; and +to do him justice, he has been so well trained in the diplomatic school, +that he will not hazard an assertion on any subject; he is not certain +of any thing, not even of his own identity." + +"He assuredly wants," said Devereux, "the only proof of existence which +Descartes would admit--_I think_, therefore I am." + +"He has such a holy horror of committing himself," continued Lady +Geraldine, "that if you were to ask him if the sun rose this morning, +he would answer, with his sweet smile--_So I am told_--or--_So I am +informed_." + +"Begging your ladyship's pardon," cried Mr. Devereux, "that is much too +affirmative. In the pure diplomatic style, impersonal verbs must ever be +used in preference to active or passive. So I am told, lays him open to +the dangerous questions, Who told you? or, By whom were you informed? +Then he is forced into the imprudence of giving up his authorities; +whereas he is safe in the impersonality of _So it is said_, or _So it is +reported_." + +"How I should like to see a meeting between two perfectly finished +diplomatists!" cried Lady Geraldine. + +"That is demonstrably impossible," said Mr. Devereux; "for in certain +political, as well as in certain geometrical lines, there is a continual +effort to approach, without a possibility of meeting." + +Lady Geraldine's raillery, like all other things, would, perhaps, soon +have become tiresome to me; but that there was infinite variety in her +humour. At first I had thought her merely superficial, and intent +solely upon her own amusement; but I soon found that she had a taste +for literature, beyond what could have been expected in one who lived so +dissipated a life; a depth of reflection that seemed inconsistent +with the rapidity with which she thought; and, above all, a degree +of generous indignation against meanness and vice, which seemed +incompatible with the selfish character of a fine lady, and which +appeared quite incomprehensible to the imitating tribe of her +fashionable companions. + +I mentioned a Mrs. Norton and Lady Hauton amongst the company of Ormsby +Villa. These two English ladies, whom I had never met in any of the +higher circles in London, who were persons of no consequence, and of +no marked character in their own country, made, it seems, a prodigious +_sensation_ when they came over to Ireland, and turned the heads of half +Dublin by the extravagance of their dress, the impertinence of their +airs, and the audacity of their conduct. Fame flew before them to the +remote parts of the country; and when they arrived at Ormsby Villa, +all the country gentlemen and ladies were prepared to admire these +celebrated fashionable belles. All worshipped them present, and abused +them absent, except Lady Geraldine, who neither joined in the admiration +nor inquired into the scandal. One morning Mrs. Norton and Lady Hauton +had each collected her votaries round her: one group begging patterns +of dress from Lady Hauton, who stood up in the midst of them, to have +everything she wore examined and envied; the other group sat on a +sofa apart, listening to Mrs. Norton, who, _sotto voce_, was telling +interesting anecdotes of an English crim. con., which then occupied the +attention of the fashionable world. Mrs. Norton had letters _from the +best authorities_ in London, which she was entreated by her auditors to +read to them. Mrs. Norton went to look for the letters, Lady Hauton to +direct her woman to furnish some patterns of I know not what articles of +dress; and, in the mean time, all the company joined in canvassing the +merits and demerits of the dress and characters of the two ladies who +had just left the room. Lady Geraldine, who had kept aloof, and who was +examining some prints at the farther end of the room, at this instant +laid down her book, and looked upon the whole party with an air of +magnanimous disdain; then smiling, as in scorn, she advanced towards +them, and, in a tone of irony, addressing one of the Swanlinbar graces, +"My dear Theresa," said her ladyship, "you are absolutely ashamed, I +see, of not being quite naked; and you, my good Bess, will, no doubt, +very soon be equally scandalized, at the imputation of being a perfectly +modest woman. Go on, my friends; go on, and prosper; beg and borrow all +the patterns and precedents you can collect of the newest fashions of +folly and vice. Make haste, make haste; they don't reach our remote +island fast enough. We Irish might live in innocence half a century +longer, if you didn't expedite the progress of profligacy; we might +escape the plague that rages in neighbouring countries, if we didn't, +without any quarantine, and with open arms, welcome every _suspected_ +stranger; if we didn't encourage the importation of whole bales of +tainted fineries, that will spread the contagion from Dublin to Cork, +and from Cork to Galway!" + +"La!" said Miss Ormsby, "how severe your ladyship is; and all only for +one's asking for a pattern!" + +"But you know," pursued Mrs. O'Connor, "that Lady Geraldine is too proud +to take pattern from any body." + +"Too proud am I? Well, then, I'll be humble; I'll abase myself--shall I? + + '_Proud_ as I am, I'll put myself to school;' + +and I'll do what the ladies Hauton and Norton shall advise, to heighten +my charms and preserve my reputation. I must begin, must not I, Mrs. +O'Connor, by learning not to blush? for I observed you were ashamed for +me yesterday at dinner, when I blushed at something said by one of our +fair missionaries. Then, to whatever lengths flirtations and gallantry +may go between unmarried or married people, I must look on. I may +shut my eyes, if I please, and look down; but not from shame--from +affectation I may as often as I please, or to show my eyelashes. +Memorandum--to practise this before Clementina Ormsby, my mirror of +fashion. So far, so good, for my looks; but now for my language. I +must reform my barbarous language, and learn from Mrs. Norton, with her +pretty accommodating voice, to call an intrigue _an arrangement_, and a +crim. con. _an affair in Doctors' Commons_, or _that business before the +Lords_. + + 'We never mention Hell to ears polite.' + +How virtuous we shall be when we have no name for vice! But stay, I must +mind my lessons--I have more, much more to learn. From the dashing Lady +Hauton I may learn, if my head be but strong, and my courage intrepid +enough, 'to touch the brink of all we hate,' without tumbling headlong +into the gulf; and from the interesting Mrs. Norton, as I hear it +whispered amongst you ladies, I may learn how, with the assistance of a +Humane-society, to save a half-drowned reputation. It is, I understand, +the glory of one class of fashionable females, to seem worse than they +are; and of another class the privilege, to be worse than they seem." + +Here clamorous voices interrupted Lady Geraldine--some justifying, some +attacking, Lady Hauton and Mrs. Norton. + +"Oh! Lady Geraldine, I assure you, notwithstanding all that was said +about General ---- and Mrs. Norton, I am convinced there was nothing in +it." + +"And, my dear Lady Geraldine, though Lady Hauton does go great lengths +in coquetting with a certain lord, you must see that there's _nothing +wrong_; and that she means nothing, but to provoke his lady's jealousy. +You know his lordship is not a man to fall in love with." + +"So, because Lady Hauton's passion is hatred instead of love, and +because her sole object is to give pain to a poor wife, and to make +mischief in families, all her sins are to be forgiven! Now, if I were +forced to forgive any ill-conducted female, I would rather excuse the +woman who is hurried on by love than she who is instigated by hatred." + +Miss Bland now began to support her ladyship's opinion, that "Lady +Hauton was much the worst of the two;" and all the scandal that was in +circulation was produced by the partisans of each of these ladies. + +"No matter, no matter, which is the worst," cried Lady Geraldine; "don't +let us waste our time in repeating or verifying scandalous stories of +either of them. I have no enmity to these ladies; I only despise them, +or rather, their follies and their faults. It is not the sinner, but +the sin we should reprobate. Oh! my dear countrywomen," cried Lady +Geraldine, with increasing animation of countenance and manner--"Oh! +my dear countrywomen, let us never stoop to admire and imitate these +second-hand airs and graces, follies and vices. Let us dare to be +ourselves!" + +My eyes were fixed upon her animated countenance, and, I believe, I +continued gazing even after her voice ceased. Mrs. O'Connor pointed +this out, and I was immediately embarrassed. Miss Bland accounted for my +embarrassment by supposing, that what Lady Geraldine had said of English +crim. cons, had affected me. From a look and a whisper among the ladies, +I guessed this; but Lady Geraldine was too well-bred to suppose I could +suspect her of ill-breeding and ill-nature, or that I could apply +to myself what evidently was not intended to allude to my family +misfortunes. By an openness of manner and sweetness of expression, which +I cannot forget, she, in one single look, conveyed all this to me: and +then resuming her conversation, "Pray, my lord," said she, "you who have +lived so much in the great world in England, say, for you can, whether I +am right or wrong in my suspicion, that these ladies, who have made such +a noise in Ireland, have been little heard of in England?" + +I confirmed her ladyship's opinion by my evidence. The faces of the +company changed. Thus, in a few seconds, the empire of Lady Hauton and +of Mrs. Norton seemed shaken to the foundation, and never recovered from +this shock. + +The warmth of Lady Geraldine's expressions, on this and many other +occasions, wakened dormant feelings in my heart, and made me sensible +that I had a soul, and that I was superior to the puppets with whom I +had been classed. + +One day Lady Kilrush, in her mixed mode, with partly the graces of a +fine lady and partly the airs of a _bel esprit_, was talking of Mr. +Devereux, whom she affected to patronise and _produce_. + +"Here, Devereux!" cried she; "Cecil Devereux! What can you be thinking +of? I am talking to you. Here's this epitaph of Francis the First upon +Petrarch's Laura, that you showed me the other day: do you know, I dote +upon it. I must have it translated: nobody can do it so well as you. I +have not time; but I shall not sleep to-night if it is not done: and you +are so quick: so sit down here, there's a dear man, and do it in your +elegant way for me, whilst I go to my toilette. Perhaps you did not +know that my name was Laura," said she, leaving the room with a very +sentimental air. + +"What will become of me!" cried Devereux. "Never was a harder task +set by cruel patroness. I would rather 'turn a Persian tale for +half-a-crown.' Read this, my lord, and tell me whether it will be easy +to turn my Lady Kilrush into Petrarch's Laura." + +"This sonnet, to be sure, is rather difficult to translate, or at least +to modernize, as bespoke," said Lady Geraldine, after she had perused +the sonnet;[82] "but I think, Mr. Devereux, you brought this difficulty +upon yourself. How came you to show these lines to such an amateur, +such a fetcher and carrier of bays as Lady Kilrush? You might have been +certain that, had they been trash, with the name of Francis the First, +and with your fashionable approbation, and something to say about +Petrarch and Laura, my Lady Kilrush would talk for ever, _et se pâmerait +d'affectation_." + +"Mr. Devereux," said I, "has only to abide by the last lines, as a good +and sufficient apology to Lady Kilrush for his silence: + + 'Qui te pourra louer qu'en se taisant? + Car la parole est toujours réprimée + Quand le sujet surmonte le disant.'" + +"There is no way to get out of my difficulties," said Mr. Devereux, with +a very melancholy look; and with a deep sigh he sat down to attempt the +translation of the poem. In a few minutes, however, he rose and left the +room, declaring that he had the bad habit of not being able to do any +thing in company. + +Lady Geraldine now, with much energy of indignation, exclaimed against +the pretensions of rich amateurs, and the mean and presumptuous manner +in which some would-be great people affect to patronise genius. + +"Oh! the baseness, the emptiness of such patronising ostentation!" cried +she. "I am accused of being proud myself; but I hope--I believe--I am +sure, that my pride is of another sort. Persons of any elevation or +generosity of mind never have this species of pride; but it is your +mean, second-rate folk, who imagine that people of talent are a sort of +raree-show for their entertainment. At best, they consider men of genius +only as artists formed for their use, who, if not in a situation to be +paid with money, are yet to be easily recompensed by praise--by their +praise--_their_ praise! Heavens! what conceit! And these amateur-patrons +really think themselves judges, and presume to advise and direct genius, +and employ it to their petty purposes! Like that Pietro de Medici, who, +at some of his entertainments, set Michael Angelo to make a statue of +snow. My lord, did you ever happen to meet with Les Mémoires de Madame +de Staël?" + +"No: I did not know that they were published." + +"You mistake me: I mean Madame de Staël of Louis the Fourteenth and the +Regent's time, Mademoiselle de Launay." + +I had never heard of such a person, and I blushed for my ignorance. + +"Nay, I met with them myself only yesterday," said Lady Geraldine: "I +was struck with the character of the Duchess de la Ferté, in which this +kind of proud patronising ignorance is admirably painted from the life. +It is really worth your while, my lord, to look at it. There's the book +on that little table; here is the passage. You see, this Duchess de la +Ferté is showing off to a sister-duchess a poor girl of genius, like a +puppet or an ape. + +"'Allons, mademoiselle, parlez--Madame, vous allez voir comme elle +parle--Elle vit que j'hésitois à répondre, et pensa qu'il falloit +m'aider comme une chanteuse à qui l'on indique ce qu'on désire +d'entendre--Parlez un peu de religion, mademoiselle, vous direz ensuite +autre chose.' + +"This speech, Mr. Devereux tells me, has become quite proverbial in +Paris," continued Lady Geraldine; "and it is often quoted, when any one +presumes in the Duchess de la Ferte's style." + +"Ignorance, either in high or low life, is equally self-sufficient, I +believe," said I, exerting myself to illustrate her ladyship's remarks. +"A gentleman of my acquaintance lately went to buy some razors at +Packwood's. Mrs. Packwood alone was _visible_. Upon the gentleman's +complimenting her on the infinite variety of her husband's ingenious and +poetical advertisements, she replied, 'La! sir, and do you think husband +has time to write them there things his-self? Why, sir, we keeps a poet +to do all that there work.'" + +Though Lady Geraldine spoke only in general of amateur-patrons and of +men of genius, yet I could not help fancying, from the warmth with which +she expressed herself, and from her dwelling on the subject so long, +that her feelings were peculiarly interested for some individual of this +description. Thus I discovered that Lady Geraldine had a heart; and +I suspected that her ladyship and Mr. Devereux had also made the same +discovery. This suspicion was strengthened by a slight incident, which +occurred the following evening. + +Lady Geraldine and Cecil Devereux, as we were drinking coffee, were in +a recessed window, while some of the company stood round them, amused by +their animated conversation. They went on, repartee after repartee, as +if inspired by each other's spirits. + +"You two," said a little girl of six years old, who was playing in the +window, "go on singing to one another like two nightingales; and +this shall be your cage," added she, drawing the drapery of the +window-curtains across the recessed window. "You shall live always +together in this cage: will you, pretty birds?" + +"No, no; some birds cannot live in a cage, my dear," cried Lady +Geraldine, playfully struggling to get free, whilst the child held her +prisoner. + +"Mr. Devereux seems tolerably quiet and contented in his cage," said the +shrewd Mrs. O'Connor. + +"I can't get out! I can't get out!" cried Devereux, in the melancholy +tone of the starling in the Sentimental Journey. + +"What is all this?" said my Lady Kildangan, sailing up to us. + +"Only two birds," the child began. + +"Singing-birds," interrupted Lady Geraldine, catching the little girl +up in her arms, and stopping her from saying more, by beginning to sing +most charmingly. + +Lady Kildangan returned to the sofa without comprehending one word of +what had passed. For my part, I now felt almost certain of the justice +of my suspicions: I was a little vexed, but not by any means in that +despair into which a man heartily in love would have been thrown by such +a discovery. + +Well, thought I, it is well it is no worse: it was very lucky that I did +not fall quite in love with this fair lady, since it seems that she has +given her heart away. But am I certain of this? I was mistaken once. Let +me examine more carefully. + +Now I had a new motive to keep my attention awake. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +To preserve the continuity of my story, and not to fatigue the reader +with the journals of my comings and goings from Ormsby Villa to +Glenthorn Castle, and from Glenthorn Castle to Ormsby Villa, I must here +relate the observations I made, and the incidents that occurred, during +various visits at Sir Harry Ormsby's in the course of the summer. + +After the incident of the birds and cage, my sagacity was for some time +at fault. I could not perceive any further signs of intelligence between +the parties: on the contrary, all communication seemed abruptly to +cease. As I was not well versed in such affairs, this quieted my +suspicions, and I began to think that I had been entirely mistaken. +Cecil Devereux spent his days shut up in his own apartment, immersed, +as far as I could understand, in the study of the Persian language. +He talked to me of nothing but his hopes of an appointment which Lord +O'Toole had promised to procure for him in India. When he was not +studying, he was botanizing or _mineralogizing_ with O'Toole's chaplain. +I did not envy him his new mode of life. Lady Geraldine took no notice +of it. When they did meet, which happened as seldom as possible, there +was an air of haughty displeasure on her part; on his, steady and +apparently calm respect and self-satisfaction. Her spirits were +exuberant, but variable; and, at times, evidently forced: his were not +high, but even and certain. Towards me, her ladyship's manners were free +from coquetry, yet politely gratifying, as she marked, by the sort of +conversation she addressed to me, her opinion that I was superior in +ability and capability to what she had at first thought me, and to what +I had always thought myself. + +Mr. Devereux, though with more effort, treated me with distinction, and +showed a constant desire to cultivate my friendship. On every occasion +he endeavoured to raise my opinion of myself: to give me ambition and +courage to cultivate my mind. Once, when I was arguing in favour of +natural genius, and saying that I thought no cultivation could make the +abilities of one man equal to those of another, he, without seeming +to perceive that I was apologizing at once for my own indolence and my +intellectual inferiority, answered in general terms, "It is difficult to +judge what are the natural powers of the mind, they appear so different +in different circumstances. You can no more judge of a mind in ignorance +than of a plant in darkness. A philosophical friend told me, that he +once thought he had discovered a new and strange plant growing in a +mine. It was common sage; but so degenerated and altered, that he +could not know it: he planted it in the open air and in the light, and +gradually it resumed its natural appearance and character." + +Mr. Devereux excited, without fatiguing, my mind by his conversation; +and I was not yet sufficiently in love to be seriously jealous. I was +resolved, however, to sound him upon the subject of Lady Geraldine, I +waited for a good opportunity: at length, as we were looking together +over the prints of Bürger's Lenore, he led to the sort of conversation +that I desired, by telling me an anecdote relative to the poet, which he +had lately heard from a German baron. + +Burger was charmed with a sonnet, which an unknown fair one addressed to +him, in praise of his poetry; he replied in equal strains; and they +went on flattering one another, till both believed themselves in love: +without ever having met, they determined to marry: they at length met, +and married: they quarrelled and parted: in other words, the gentleman +was terribly disappointed in his unknown mistress; and she consoled +herself by running away from him with another lover. + +The imprudence of this poetic couple led us to reflections on love +and marriage in general. Keeping far away from all allusion to Lady +Geraldine, I rallied Mr. Devereux about the fair Clementina, who was +evidently a romantic admirer of his. + +"Who, except Cupid, would barter his liberty for a butterfly?" said he; +"and Cupid was a child. Men now-a-days are grown too wise to enslave +themselves for women. Love occupies a vast space in a woman's thoughts, +but fills a small portion in a man's life. Women are told, that 'The +great, th' important business of their life, is love;' but men know that +they are born for something better than to sing mournful ditties to a +mistress's eyebrow. As to marriage, what a serious, terrible thing! Some +quaint old author says, that man is of too smooth and oily a nature to +climb up to heaven, if, to make him less slippery, there be not added to +his composition the vinegar of marriage. This may be; but I will keep as +long as possible from the vinegar." + +"Really, Devereux," said I, smiling, "you talk so like a cynic and +an old bachelor, and you look so little like either, that it is quite +ridiculous." + +"A man must be ridiculous sometimes," said he, "and bear to be thought +so. No man ever distinguished himself, who could not bear to be laughed +at." + +Mr. Devereux left the room singing, + + "No more for Amynta fresh garlands I wove; + Ambition, I said, will soon cure me of love." + +I was uncertain what to think of all this. I inclined to believe that +ambition was his ruling passion, notwithstanding the description of that +Hell which he showed me in Spenser. His conduct to his patron-lords, +by which a surer judgment of his character could be formed than by his +professions, was not, however, that of a man merely intent upon rising +in the world. + +I remember once hearing Lord O'Toole attack a friend of this +gentleman's, calling him, in a certain tone, _a philosopher._ Mr. +Devereux replied, "that he could not consider that as a term of +reproach; that where a false or pretended philosopher was meant, some +other name should be used, equivalent to the Italian term of reproach, +_filosofastro._" + +Lord O'Toole would by no means admit of this Italianism: he would make +no distinctions: he deemed philosophers altogether a race of beings +dangerous and inimical to states. + +"For states read statesmen," said Devereux, who persisted in the +vindication of his friend till Lord O'Toole grew pale with anger, while +Captain Andrews smiled with ineffable contempt at the political _bévue_: +Lady Geraldine glowed with generous indignation. + +Afterwards, in speaking to me of Lord O'Toole, Devereux said, "His +lordship's classification of men is as contracted as the savage's +classification of animals: he divides mankind into two classes, knaves +and fools; and when he meets with an honest man, he does not know what +to make of him." + +My esteem for Mr. Devereux was much increased by my daily observations +upon his conduct: towards Lady Geraldine, I thought it particularly +honourable: when her displeasure evidently merged in esteem, when +her manners again became most winning and attractive, his continued +uniformly the same; never passing the bounds of friendly respect, or +swerving, in the slightest degree, from the line of conduct which he had +laid down for himself. I thought I now understood him perfectly. That he +liked Lady Geraldine I could scarcely doubt; but I saw that he refrained +from aiming at the prize which he knew he ought not to obtain; that he +perceived her ladyship's favourable disposition towards him, yet denied +himself not only the gratification of his vanity, but the exquisite +pleasure of conversing with her, lest he should stand in the way of her +happier prospects. He frequently spoke to me of her ladyship in terms of +the warmest approbation. He said, that all the world saw and admired her +talents and beauty, but that he had had opportunities, as a relation, +of studying her domestic life. "With all her vivacity, she has a +heart formed for tenderness," said he; "a high sense of duty, the best +security for a woman's conduct; and in generosity and magnanimity, I +never found her superior in either sex. In short, I never saw any woman +whose temper and disposition were more likely to make a man of sense and +feeling supremely happy." + +I could not forbear smiling, and asking Cecil Devereux how all +this accorded with his late professions of hatred to marriage. "My +professions were sincere," said he. "It would be misery to me to marry +any inferior woman, and I am not in circumstances to marry as I could +wish. I could not think of Lady Geraldine without a breach of trust, +of which your lordship, I hope, cannot suspect me. Her mother places +confidence in me. I am not only a relation, but treated as a friend +of the family. I am not in love with Lady Geraldine. I admire, esteem, +respect her ladyship; and I wish to see her united to a man, if such a +man there be, who may deserve her. We understand one another now. +Your lordship will have the goodness never more to speak to me on this +subject." He spoke with much emotion, but with steadiness, and left me +penetrated with feelings that were entirely new to me. + +Much as I admired his conduct, I was yet undecided as to my own: my +aversion to a second marriage was not yet conquered:--I was amused, I +was captivated by Lady Geraldine; but I could not bring myself to think +of making a distinct proposal. Captain Andrews himself was not more +afraid of being committed than I was upon this tender subject. To gain +time, I now thought it necessary to verify all the praises Mr. Devereux +had bestowed on her ladyship. Magnanimity was a word that particularly +struck my ear as extraordinary when applied to a female. However, +by attending carefully to this lady, I thought I discovered what Mr. +Devereux meant. Lady Geraldine was superior to manoeuvring little arts +and petty stratagems to attract attention: she would not stoop, even to +conquer. From gentlemen she seemed to expect attention as her right, as +the right of her sex; not to beg or accept of it as a favour: if it were +not paid, she deemed the gentleman degraded, not herself. Far from +being mortified by any preference shown to other ladies, her countenance +betrayed only a sarcastic sort of pity for the bad taste of the men, +or an absolute indifference and look of haughty absence. I saw that +she beheld with disdain the paltry competitions of the young ladies her +companions: as her companions, indeed, she hardly seemed to consider +them; she tolerated their foibles, forgave their envy, and never exerted +any superiority, except to show her contempt of vice and meanness. To +be in any degree excepted from the common herd; to be in any degree +distinguished by a lady so proud, and with so many good reasons to +be proud, was flattering to my self-love. She gave me no direct +encouragement; but I never advanced far enough to require encouragement, +much less to justify repulse. Sometimes I observed, or I fancied, that +she treated me with more favour when Mr. Devereux was present than +at other times; perhaps--for she was a woman, not an angel--to pique +Devereux, and try if she could move him from the settled purpose of his +soul. He bore it all with surprising constancy: his spirits, however, +and his health, began visibly to decline. + +"If I do not intrude too much on your valuable time, Mr. Devereux," said +her ladyship to him one evening, in her most attractive manner, "may +I beg you to read to us some of these beautiful poems of Sir William +Jones?" + +There was a seat beside her ladyship on the sofa: the book was held out +by the finest arm in the world. + +"Nay," said Lady Geraldine, "do not look so respectfully miserable; +if you have any other engagements, you have only to say so: or if you +cannot speak you may bow: a bow, you know, is an answer to every thing. +And here is my Lord Glenthorn ready to supply your place: pray, do not +let me detain you prisoner. You shall not a second time say, _I can't +get out_." + +Devereux made no further effort to escape, but took the book and his +dangerous seat. He remained with us, contrary to his custom, the whole +evening. Afterwards, as if he felt that some apology was necessary to me +for the pleasure in which he had indulged himself, "Perhaps, my lord," +said he, "another man in my situation, and with my feelings, would think +it necessary to retreat, and prudent to secure his safety by flight; +but flight is unworthy of him who can combat and conquer: the man who +is sure of himself does not skulk away to avoid danger, but advances to +meet it, armed secure in honesty." + +This proud and rash security in his own courage, strength of mind, and +integrity, was the only fault of Cecil Devereux. He never prayed not +to be led into temptation, he thought himself so sure of avoiding evil. +Unconscious of his danger, even though his disease was at its height, he +now braved it most imprudently: he was certain that he should never +pass the bounds of friendship; he had proved this to himself, and +was satisfied: he told me that he could with indifference, nay, with +pleasure, see Lady Geraldine mine. In the mean time, upon the same +principle that he deemed flight inglorious, he was proud to expose +himself to the full force of Love's artillery. He was with us now every +day, and almost all day, and Lady Geraldine was more charming than +ever. The week was fixed for her departure. Still I could not decide. +I understood that her ladyship would pass the ensuing winter in Dublin, +where she would probably meet with new adorers; and even if Mr. Devereux +should not succeed, some adventurous knight might win and wear the +prize. This was an alarming thought. It almost decided me to hazard +the fatal declaration; but then I recollected that I might follow her +ladyship to town the next winter, and that if the impression did not, as +might be hoped, wear off during the intervening autumn, it would be time +enough to _commit_ myself when I should meet my fair one in Dublin. This +was at last my fixed resolution. Respited from the agonies of doubt, +I now waited very tranquilly for that moment to which most lovers look +forward with horror, the moment of separation. I was sensible that I had +accustomed myself to think about this lady so much, that I had gradually +identified my existence with hers, and I thus found my _spirit of +animation_ much increased. I dreaded the departure of Lady Geraldine +less than the return of ennui. + +In this frame of mind I was walking one morning in the pleasure grounds +with Lady Geraldine, when a slight accident made me act in direct +contradiction to all my resolutions, and, I think, inconsistently with +my character. But such is the nature of man! and I was doomed to make +a fool of myself, even in the very temple of Minerva. Among the various +ornamental buildings in the grounds at Ormsby Villa, there was a temple +dedicated to this goddess, from which issued a troop of hoyden young +ladies, headed by the widow O'Connor and Lady Kilrush, all calling to us +to come and look at some charming discovery which they had just made in +the temple of Minerva. Thither we proceeded, accompanied by the merry +troop. We found in the temple only a poetical inscription of Lady +Kilrush's, pompously engraved on a fine marble tablet. We read the lines +with all the attention usually paid to a lady's poetry in the presence +of the poetess. Lady Geraldine and I turned to pay some compliments on +the performance, when we found that Lady Kilrush and all her companions +were gone. + +"Gone! all gone!" said Lady Geraldine; "and there they are, making their +way very fast down to the temple of Folly! Lady Kilrush, you know, is +so ba-a-ashful, she could not possibly stay to receive _nos hommages_. I +love to laugh at affectation. Call them back, do, my lord, and you shall +see the _fair author_ go through all the evolutions of mock humility, +and end by yielding quietly to the notion that she is the tenth Muse. +But run, my lord, or they will be out of our reach." + +I never was seen to run on any occasion; but to obey Lady Geraldine I +walked as fast as I could to the door, and, to my surprise, found it +fastened. + +"Locked, I declare! Some of the witty tricks of the widow O'Connor, or +the hoyden Miss Callwells!" + +"How I hate hoydens!" cried Lady Geraldine: "but let us take patience; +they will be back presently. If young ladies must perform practical +jokes, because quizzing is the fashion, I wish they would devise +something new. This locking-up is so stale a jest. To be sure it has +lately to boast the authority of high rank in successful practice: +but these bungling imitators never distinguish between cases the most +dissimilar imaginable. Silly creatures! We have only to be wise and +patient." + +Her ladyship sat down to re-peruse the tablet. I never saw her look so +beautiful.--The dignified composure of her manner charmed me; it was so +unlike the paltry affectation of some of the fashionable ladies by whom +I had been disgusted. I recollected the precedent to which she alluded. +I recollected that the locking-up ended in matrimony; and as Lady +Geraldine made some remarks upon the verses, I suppose my answers showed +my absence of mind. + +"Why so grave, my lord? why so absent? I assure you I do not suspect +your lordship of having any hand in this vulgar manoeuvre. I acquit you +honourably; therefore you need not stand any longer like a criminal." + +What decided me at this instant I cannot positively tell: whether it +was the awkwardness of my own situation, or the grace of her ladyship's +manner: but all my prudential arrangements were forgotten, all my doubts +vanished. Before I knew that the words passed my lips, I replied, "That +her ladyship did me justice by such an acquittal; but that though I had +no part in the contrivance, yet I felt irresistibly impelled to avail +myself of the opportunity it afforded of declaring my real sentiments." +I was at her ladyship's feet, and making very serious love, before I +knew where I was. In what words my long-delayed declaration was made, I +cannot recollect, but I well remember Lady Geraldine's answer. + +"My lord, I assure you that you do not know what you are saying: you +do not know what you are doing. This is all a mistake, as you will find +half an hour hence. I will not be so cruelly vain as to suppose you +serious." + +"Not serious! no man ever was more serious." + +"No, no--No, no, no." + +I swore, of course, most fervently. + +"Oh! rise, rise, I beseech you, my lord, and don't look so like a hero; +though you have done an heroical action, I grant. How you ever brought +yourself to it, I cannot imagine. But now, for your comfort, you +are safe--Vous voilà quitte pour la peur! Do not, however, let this +encourage you to venture again in the same foolish manner. I know but +few, very few young ladies to whom Lord Glenthorn could offer himself +with any chance or reasonable hope of being refused. So take warning: +never again expect to meet with such another as my whimsical self." + +"Never, never can I expect to meet with any thing resembling your +charming self," cried I. This was a new text for a lover's rhapsody. It +is not necessary, and might not be _generally_ interesting to repeat all +the ridiculous things I said, even if I could remember them. + +Lady Geraldine listened to me, and then very calmly replied, "Granting +you believe all that you are saying at this minute, which I must grant +from common gratitude, and still more common vanity; nevertheless, +permit me to assure you, my lord, that this is not love; it is only a +fancy--only the nettle-rash, not the plague. You will not die this time. +I will insure your life. So now jump out of the window as fast as +you can, and unlock the door--you need not be afraid of breaking your +neck--you know your life is insured. Come, take the lover's leap, and +get rid of your passion at once." + +I grew angry. + +"Only a cloud," said Lady Geraldine--"it will blow over." + +I became more passionate--I did not know the force of my own feelings, +till they met with an obstacle; they suddenly rose to a surprising +height. + +"Now, my lord," cried Lady Geraldine with a tone and look of comic +vexation, "this is really the most provoking thing imaginable; you have +no idea how you distress me, nor of what exquisite pleasures you deprive +me--all the pleasures of coquetry; legitimate pleasures, in certain +circumstances, as I am instructed to think them by one of the first +moral authorities. There is a case--I quote from memory, my lord; for +my memory, like that of most other people, on subjects where I am deeply +interested, is tolerably tenacious--there is a case, says the best of +fathers, in his Legacy to the best of daughters--there is a case, where +a woman may coquet justifiably to the utmost verge which her conscience +will allow. It is where a gentleman purposely declines making his +addresses, till such time as he thinks himself perfectly sure of her +consent. Now, my lord, if you had had the goodness to do so, I might +have made this delightful case my own; and what charming latitude I +might have allowed my conscience! But now, alas! it is all over, and I +must be as frank as you have been, under pain of forfeiting what I value +more even than admiration--my own good opinion." + +She paused, and was silent for a few moments; then suddenly changing +her manner, she exclaimed, in a serious, energetic tone, "Yes, I must, I +will be sincere; let it cost me what it may. I will be sincere. My lord, +I never can be yours. My lord, you will believe me, even from the effort +with which I speak:" her voice softened, and her face suffused with +crimson, as she spoke. "I love another--my heart is no longer in my own +possession; whether it will ever be in my power, consistently with my +duty and his principles, to be united with the man of my choice, is +doubtful--more than doubtful--but this is certain, that with such a +prepossession, such a conviction in my mind, I never could nor ought to +think of marrying any other person." + +I pleaded, that however deserving of her preference the object of her +favour might be, yet that if there were, as her own prudence seemed to +suggest, obstacles, rendering the probability of her union with that +person more than doubtful, it might be possible that her superior sense +and strength of mind, joined to the persevering affection of another +lover, who would spare no exertions to render himself worthy of her, +might, perhaps, in time-- + +"No, no," said she, interrupting me; "do not deceive yourself. I will +not deceive you. I give you no hopes that my sentiments may change. I +know my own mind--it will not change. My attachment is founded on the +firm basis of esteem; my affection has grown from the intimate knowledge +of the principles and conduct of the man I love. No other man, let his +merits be what they may, could have these advantages in my opinion. +And when I say that the probability of our being united is more than +doubtful, I do not mean to deny that I have distant hope that change of +circumstances might render love and duty compatible. Without hope I know +love cannot long exist. You see I do not talk romantic nonsense to you. +All that you say of prudence, and time, and the effect of the attentions +of another admirer, would be perfectly just and applicable, if my +attachment were a fancy of yesterday--if it were a mere young lady's +commonplace first love; but I am not a _very_ young lady, nor is this, +though a first love, commonplace. I do not, you see, in the usual style, +tell you that the man I adore is an angel, and that no created form ever +did, or ever can, resemble this _angel in green and gold_; but, on the +contrary, do justice to your lordship's merit: and believing, as I do, +that you are capable of a real love; still more, believing that such an +attachment would rouse you to exertion, and bring to life and light +a surprising number of good qualities; yet I should deceive you +unpardonably, fatally for my own peace of mind, if not for yours, were +I not frankly and decidedly to assure you, that I never could reward or +return your affection. My attachment to--I trust entirely where I trust +at all--my attachment to Mr. Devereux is for life." + +"He deserves it--deserves it all," cried I, struggling for utterance; +"that is as much as a rival can say." + +"Not more than I expected from you, my lord." + +"But your ladyship says there is a hope of duty and love being +compatible. _Would_ Lady Kildangan _ever_ consent?" + +She looked much disturbed. + +"No, certainly; not unless--Lord O'Toole has promised--not that I depend +on courtiers' promises--but Lord O'Toole is a relation of ours, and +he has promised to obtain an appointment abroad, in India, for Mr. +Devereux. If that were done, he might appear of more consequence in +the eyes of the world. My mother might then, perhaps, be propitious. My +lord, I give you the strongest proof of my esteem, by speaking with such +openness. I have had the honour of your lordship's acquaintance only a +few months; but without complimenting my own penetration, I may securely +trust to the judgment of Mr. Devereux, and his example has taught me +to feel confidence in your lordship. Your conduct now will, I trust, +justify my good opinion, by your secrecy; and by desisting from useless +pursuit you will entitle yourself to my esteem and gratitude. These, I +presume, you will think worth securing." + +My soul was so completely touched, that I could not articulate. + +"Mr. Devereux is right--I see, my lord, that you have a soul that can be +touched." + +"Kissing hands, I protest!" exclaimed a shrill voice at the window. We +turned, and saw Mrs. O'Connor and a group of tittering faces peeping +in. "Kissing hands, after a good hour's tête-à-tête! Oh, pray, Lady +Kildangan, make haste here," continued Mrs. O'Connor; "make haste, +before Lady Geraldine's blushes are over." + +"Were you ever detected in the crime of blushing, in your life, Mrs. +O'Connor?" said I. + +"I never was found out locked up with so fine a gentleman," replied Mrs. +O'Connor. + +"Then it hurts your conscience only to be found out, like all the rest +of the vast family of the Surfaces," said Lady Geraldine, resuming her +spirit. + +"Found out!--Locked up!--bless me! bless me! What is all this?" cried +Lady Kildangan, puffing up the hill. "For shame! young ladies; for +shame!" continued her ladyship, with a decent suppression of her +satisfaction, when she saw, or thought she saw, how matters stood. +"Unlock the door, pray. Don't be vexed, my Geraldine. Fie! fie! Mrs. +O'Connor. But quizzing is now so fashionable--nobody can be angry with +any body. My Geraldine, consider we are all friends." + +The door unlocked, and as we were going out, Lady Geraldine whispered +to me--"For mercy's sake, my lord, don't break my poor mother's heart! +Never let her know that a coronet has been within my grasp, and that I +have not clutched it." + +Lady Kildangan, who thought that all was now approaching that happy +termination she so devoutly wished, was so full of her own happy +presentiments, that it was impossible for me to undeceive her ladyship. +Even when I announced before her, to Sir Harry Ormsby, that I was +obliged to return home immediately, on particular business, she was, +I am sure, persuaded that I was going to prepare matters for +marriage-settlements. When I mounted my horse, Mr. Devereux pressed +through a crowd assembled on the steps at the hall-door, and offered me +his hand, with a look and manner that seemed to say--Have you sufficient +generosity to be still my friend? "I know the value of your friendship, +Mr. Devereux," said I, "and I hope to deserve it better every year that +I live." + +For the effort which it cost me to say this I was rewarded. Lady +Geraldine, who had retired behind her companions, at this instant +approached with an air of mingled grace and dignity, bowed her head, and +gave me a smile of grateful approbation. This is the last image left on +my mind, the last look of the charming Geraldine--I never saw her again. + +After I got home I did not shave for two days, and scarcely ever spoke. +I should have taken to my bed to avoid seeing any human creature; but +I knew that if I declared myself ill, no power would keep my old nurse +Ellinor from coming to moan over me; and I was not in a humour to listen +to stories of the Irish Black Beard, or the ghost of King O'Donoghoe; +nor could I, however troublesome, have repulsed the simplicity of +her affection. Instead of going to bed, therefore, I continued to lie +stretched upon a sofa, ruminating sweet and bitter thoughts, after +giving absolute orders that I should not be disturbed on any account +whatever. Whilst I was in this state of reverie, one of my servants--an +odd Irish fellow, who, under pretence of being half-witted, took more +liberties than his companions--bolted into my presence. + +"Plase your lordship, I thought it my duty, in spite of 'em all below, +to come up to advertise to your lordship of the news that's going +through the country. That they are all upside down at Ormsby Villa, all +mad entirely--fighting and setting off through the kingdom, every one +their own way; and, they say, it's all on account of something that Miss +Clemmy Ormsby told, that Lady Geraldine said about my Lord O'Toole's +being no better than a cat's paw, or something that way, which made his +lordship quite mad; and he said, in the presence of Captain Andrews, +and my Lady Kildangan, and Lady Geraldine, and all that were in it, +something that vexed Lady Geraldine, which made Mr. Cecil Devereux mad +next; and he said something smart in reply, that Lord O'Toole could +not digest, he said, which made his lordship madder than ever, and he +discharged Mr. Devereux from his favour, and he is not to get that place +that was vacant, the lord-lieutenancy of some place in the Indies that +he was to have had; this made Lady Geraldine mad, and it was found +out she was in love with Mr. Devereux, which made her mother mad, the +maddest of all, they say, so that none can hold her, and she is crying +night and day how her daughter might have had the first coronet in the +kingdom, _maning_ you, my lard, if it had not been that she _prefarred_ +a beggar-man, _maning_ Mr. Cecil Devereux, who is as poor, they say, as +a Connaughtman--and he's forbid to think of her, and she's forbid, under +pain of bread and water, ever to set her eyes upon him the longest day +ever she lives; so the horses and coaches are ordered, and they are all +to be off with the first light for Dublin: and that's all, my lard; and +all truth, not a word of lies I'm telling." + +I was inclined not to credit a story so oddly told; but, upon inquiry, I +found it true in its material points. My own words to Mr. Devereux, and +the parting look of Lady Geraldine, were full in my recollection; I was +determined, by an unexpected, exertion, to surprise both the lovers, and +to secure for ever their esteem and gratitude. The appointment, which +Mr. Devereux desired, was not yet given away; the fleet was to sail in +a few days. I started up from my sofa--ordered my carriage +instantly--shaved myself--sent a courier on before to have horses ready +at every stage to carry me to Dublin--got there in the shortest +time possible--found Lord O'Toole but just arrived. Though unused to +diplomatic language and political negotiation, I knew pretty well on +what they all _hinge_. I went directly to the point, and showed that +it would be the interest of the party concerned to grant my request. By +expressing a becoming desire that my boroughs, upon a question where a +majority was required, should _strengthen the hands of government_, I +obtained for my friend the favour he _deserved_. Before I quitted Lord +O'Toole, his secretary, Captain Andrews, was instructed to write a +letter, announcing to Mr. Devereux his appointment. A copy of the former +letter of refusal now lay before me; it was in his lordship's purest +diplomatic style--as follows: + + +"_Private_. + +"Lord O'Toole is concerned to inform Mr. Devereux that he cannot +feel himself justified in encouraging Mr. D., under the existing +circumstances, to make any direct application relative to the last +conversation his lordship had the honour to hold with Mr. Devereux." + +"To Cecil Devereux, Esq. &c. Thursday ------" + + +The letter which I obtained, and of which I took possession, ran as +follows: + + +"_Private_. + +"Lord O'Toole is happy to have it in command to inform Mr. Devereux, +that his lordship's representations on the subject of their last +conversation have been thought sufficient, and that an official +notification of the appointment to India, which Mr. D. desired, will +meet the wishes of Mr. Devereux. + +"Captain Andrews has the honour to add his congratulations." + +"To Cecil Devereux, Esq. &c. Thursday ------" + + +Having despatched this business with a celerity that surprised all the +parties concerned, and most myself, I called at the lodgings of Mr. +Devereux, delivered the letter to his servant, and left town. I could +not bear to see either Mr. Devereux or Lady Geraldine. I had the +pleasure to hear, that the obtaining this appointment was followed by +Lady Kildangan's consent to their marriage. Soon after my return to +Glenthorn Castle, I received a letter of warm thanks from Devereux, and +a polite postscript from Lady Geraldine, declaring that, though she felt +much pleasure, she could feel no surprise in seeing her opinion of Lord +Glenthorn justified; persuaded, as she and Mr. Devereux had always been, +that only motive and opportunity were wanting to make his lordship's +superior qualities known to the world, and, what was still more +difficult, to himself. They left Ireland immediately afterwards in +consequence of their appointment in India. + +I was raised in my own estimation--I revelled a short time in my +self-complacent reflections; but when nothing more remained to be done, +or to be said--when the hurry of action, the novelty of generosity, the +glow of enthusiasm, and the freshness of gratitude, were over, I felt +that, though large motives could now invigorate my mind, I was still +a prey to habitual indolence, and that I should relapse into my former +state of apathy and disease. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +I remember to have heard, in some epilogue to a tragedy, that the tide +of pity and of love, whilst it overwhelms, fertilizes the soul. That it +may deposit the seeds of future fertilization, I believe; but some time +must elapse before they germinate: on the first retiring of the tide, +the prospect is barren and desolate. I was absolutely inert, and almost +imbecile for a considerable time, after the extraordinary stimulus, by +which I had been actuated, was withdrawn. I was in this state of apathy +when the rebellion broke out in Ireland; nor was I roused in the least +by the first news of the disturbances. The intelligence, however, so +much alarmed my English servants, that, with one accord, they left me; +nothing could persuade them to remain longer in Ireland. The parting +with my English gentleman affected my lethargic selfishness a little. +His loss would have been grievous to such a helpless being as I was, had +not his place been immediately supplied by that half-witted Irishman, +Joe Kelly, who had ingratiated himself with me by a mixture of +drollery and simplicity, and by suffering himself to be continually +my laughing-stock; for, in imitation of Lady Geraldine, I thought it +necessary to have a butt. I remember he first caught my notice by a +strange answer to a very simple question. I asked, "What noise is that +I hear?" "My lard," said he, "it is only the singing in my ears; I have +had it these six months." Another time, when I reproached him for having +told me a lie, he answered, "Why, now indeed, and plase your honour, my +lard, I tell as few lies as possibly I can." This fellow, the son of a +bricklayer, had originally been intended for a priest, and he went, as +he told me, to the College of Maynooth to study his _humanities_; but, +unluckily, the charms of some Irish Heloise came between him and the +altar. He lived in a cabin of love, till he was weary of his smoke-dried +Heloise, and then thought it _convanient_ to turn _sarving_ man, as +he could play on the flute, and brush a coat remarkably well, which he +_larned_ at Maynooth, by brushing the coats of the superiors. Though he +was willing to be laughed at, Joe Kelly could in his turn laugh; and +he now ridiculed, without mercy, the pusillanimity of the English +_renegadoes_, as he called the servants who had just left my service; +He assured me that, to his knowledge, there was no manner of danger, +_excepted a man prefarred being afraid of his own shadow, which some +did, rather than have nothing to talk of, or enter into resolutions +about, with some of the spirited men in the chair_. + +Unwilling to be disturbed, I readily believed all that lulled me in my +security. I would not be at the trouble of reading the public papers; +and when they were read to me, I did not credit any paragraph that +militated against my own opinion. Nothing could awaken me. I remember, +one day, lying yawning on my sofa, repeating to Mr. M'Leod, who +endeavoured to open my eyes to the situation of the country, "Pshaw, my +dear sir; there is no danger, be assured--none at all--none at all. For +mercy's sake! talk to me of something more diverting, if you would keep +me awake; time enough to think of these things when they come nearer to +us." + +Evils that were not immediately near me had no power to affect my +imagination. My tenantry had not yet been contaminated by the epidemic +infection, which broke out soon after with such violence as to threaten +the total destruction of all civil order. I had lived in England--I was +unacquainted with the causes and the progress of the disease, and I had +no notion of my danger; all I knew was, that some houses had been +robbed of arms, and that there was a set of desperate wretches called +_defenders_; but I was _annoyed_ only by the rout that was now made +about them. Having been used to the regular course of justice which +prevailed in England, I was more shocked at the summary proceedings of +my neighbours than alarmed at the symptoms of insurrection. Whilst my +mind was in this mood, I was provoked by the conduct of some of the +violent party, which wounded my personal pride, and infringed upon my +imagined consequence. My foster-brother's forge was searched for pikes, +his house ransacked, his bed and _bellows_, as possible hiding places, +were cut open; by accident, or from private malice, he received a shot +in his arm; and, though not the slightest cause of suspicion could +be found against him, the party left him with a broken arm, and the +consolation of not being sent to jail as a defender. Without making any +allowance for the peculiar circumstances of the country, my indignation +was excited in the extreme, by the injury done to my foster-brother; his +sufferings, the tears of his mother, the taunts of Mr. (now _Captain_) +Hardcastle, and the opposition made by his party, called forth all the +faculties of my mind and body. The poor fellow, who was the subject of +this contest, showed the best disposition imaginable: he was excessively +grateful to me for interesting myself to _get_ him justice; but as soon +as he found that parties ran high against me, he earnestly dissuaded me +from persisting. + +"Let it drop, and _plase_ your honour; my lord, let it drop, and +don't be making of yourself _inimies_ for the likes of me. Sure, what +signifies my arm? and, before the next assizes, sha'n't I be as well +as ever, arm and all?" continued he, trying to appear to move the arm +without pain. "And there's the new bellows your honour has _give_ me; it +does my heart good to look at 'em, and it won't be long before I will +be blowing them again as stout as ever; and so God bless your honour, +my lord, and think no more about it--let it drop entirely, and don't be +bringing yourself into trouble." + +"Ay, don't be bringing yourself into trouble, dear," added Ellinor, who +seemed half distracted between her feelings for her son and her fears +for me; "it's a shame to think of the way they've treated Christy--but +there's no help now, and it's best not to be making bad worse; and +so, as Christy says, let the thing drop, jewel, and don't be bringing +yourself into trouble; you don't know the _natur_ of them people, +dear--you are too _innocent_ for them entirely, and myself does not know +the mischief they might do _yees_." + +"True for ye," pursued Christy; "I wouldn't for the best cow ever I see +that your honour ever larnt a sentence about me or my arm; and it is not +for such as we to be minding every little accident--so God lend you long +life, and don't be plaguing yourself to death! Let it drop, and I'll +sleep well the night, which I did not do the week, for thinking of all +the trouble you got, and would get, God presarve ye!" + +This generous fellow's eloquence produced an effect directly contrary +to what was intended; both my feelings and my pride were now more warmly +interested in his cause. I insisted upon his swearing examinations +before Mr. M'Leod, who was a justice of the peace. Mr. M'Leod behaved +with the utmost steadiness and impartiality; and in this trying moment, +when "it was infamy to seem my friend," he defended my conduct calmly, +but resolutely, in private and in public, and gave his unequivocal +testimony, in few but decided words, in favour of my injured tenant. +I should have respected Mr. M'Leod more, if I had not attributed this +conduct to his desire of being returned for one of my boroughs at the +approaching election. He endeavoured, with persevering goodness, to +convince me of the reality of the danger in the country. My eyes were +with much difficulty forced open so far as to perceive that it was +necessary to take an active part in public affairs to vindicate my +loyalty, and to do away the prejudices that were entertained against +me; nor did my incredulity, as to the magnitude of the peril, prevent me +from making exertions essential to the defence of my own character, +if not to that of the nation. How few act from purely patriotic and +rational motives! At all events I acted, and acted with energy; and +certainly at this period of my life I felt no ennui. Party spirit is an +effectual cure for ennui; and perhaps it is for this reason that so many +are addicted to its intemperance. All my passions were roused, and my +mind and body kept in continual activity. I was either galloping, or +haranguing, or fearing, or hoping, or fighting; and so long as it was +said that I could not sleep in my bed, I slept remarkably well, and +never had so good an appetite as when I was in hourly danger of having +nothing to eat. _The rebels were up_, and _the rebels were down_--and +Lord Glenthorn's spirited conduct in the chair, and indefatigable +exertions in the field, were the theme of daily eulogium amongst my +convivial companions and immediate dependants. But, unfortunately, my +sudden activity gained me no credit amongst the violent party of my +neighbours, who persisted in their suspicions; and my reputation was +now still more injured, by the alternate charge of being a trimmer or a +traitor. Nay, I was further exposed to another danger, of which, from my +ignorance of the country, I could not possibly be aware. The disaffected +themselves, as I afterwards found, really believed, that, as I had not +begun by persecuting the poor, I must be a favourer of the rebels; and +all that I did to bring the guilty to justice, they thought was only to +give a _colour to the thing_, till the proper moment should come for my +declaring myself. Of this absurd and perverse mode of judging I had not +the slightest conception; and I only laughed when it was hinted to me. +My treating the matter so lightly confirmed suspicion on both sides. +At this time all objects were so magnified and distorted by the mist +of prejudice, that no inexperienced eye could judge of their real +proportions. Neither party could believe the simple truth, that my +tardiness to act arose from the habitual _inertia_ of my mind and body. + +Whilst prepossessions were thus strong, the time, the important time, in +Ireland the most important season of the year, the assizes, arrived. +My foster-brother's cause, or, as it was now generally called, _Lord +Glenthorn's_ cause, came on to be tried. I spared no expense, I spared +no exertions; I fee'd the ablest counsel; and not content with leaving +them to be instructed by my attorney, I explained the affair to them +myself with indefatigable zeal. One of the lawyers, whom I had seen, or +by whom I had been seen, in my former inert state of existence, at +some watering-place in England, could not refrain from expressing his +astonishment at my change of character; he could scarcely believe that +I was the same Lord Glenthorn, of whose indolence and ennui he had +formerly heard and seen so much. + +Alas! all my activity, all my energy, on the present occasion, proved +ineffectual. After a dreadful quantity of false swearing, the jury +professed themselves satisfied; and, without retiring from the +box, acquitted the persons who had assaulted my foster-brother. The +mortification of this legal defeat was not all that I had to endure; the +victorious party mobbed me, as I passed some time afterwards through +a neighbouring town, where Captain Hardcastle and his friends had +been carousing. I was hooted, and pelted, and narrowly escaped with my +life--_I_ who, but a few months ago, had imagined myself possessed of +nearly despotic power: but opinions had changed; and on opinion +almost all power is founded. No individual, unless he possess uncommon +eloquence, joined to personal intrepidity, can withstand the combination +of numbers, and the force of prejudice. + +Such was the result of my first public exertions! Yet I was now happier +and better satisfied with myself than I had ever been before. I was not +only conscious of having acted in a manly and generous manner, but the +alarms of the rebels, and of the French, and of the loyalists, and the +parading, and the galloping, and the quarrelling, and the continual +agitation in which I was kept, whilst my character and life were at +stake, relieved me effectually from the intolerable burden of ennui. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + + "And, for the book of knowledge fair, + Presented with an universal blank + Of Nature's works, to me expunged and rased." + +Unfortunately _for me_, the rebellion in Ireland was soon quelled; the +nightly scouring of our county ceased; the poor people returned to +their duty and their homes; the occupation of upstart and ignorant +_associators_ ceased, and their consequence sunk at once. Things +and persons settled to their natural level. The influence of men of +property, and birth, and education, and character, once more prevailed. +The spirit of party ceased to operate: my neighbours wakened, as if from +a dream, and wondered at the strange injustice with which I had been +treated. Those who had lately been my combined enemies were disunited, +and each was eager to assure me that he had _always been privately +my friend_, but that he was compelled to conceal his sentiments: each +exculpated himself, and threw the blame on others: all apologized to me, +and professed to be my most devoted humble servants. My popularity, my +power, and my prosperity were now at their zenith, _unfortunately for +me;_ because my adversity had not lasted long enough to form and season +my character. I had been driven to exertion by a mixture of pride and +generosity; my understanding being uncultivated, I had acted from the +virtuous impulse of the moment, but never from rational motive, which +alone can be permanent in its operation. When the spur of the occasion +pressed upon me no longer, I relapsed into my former inactivity. When +the great interests and strong passions, by which I had been impelled +to exertion, subsided, all other feelings, and all less objects, seemed +stale, flat, and unprofitable. For the tranquillity which I was now left +to enjoy I had no taste; it appeared to me a dead calm, most spiritless +and melancholy. + +I remember hearing, some years afterwards, a Frenchman, who had been in +imminent danger of been guillotined by Robespierre, and who at last was +one of those who arrested the tyrant, declare, that when the bustle and +horror of the revolution were over, he could hardly keep himself awake; +and that he thought it very insipid to live in quiet with his wife and +family. He further summed up the catalogue of Robespierre's crimes, +by exclaiming, "D'ailleurs c'étoit un grand philanthrope!" I am not +conscious of any disposition to cruelty, and I heard this man's speech +with disgust; yet upon a candid self-examination, I must confess, that +I have felt, though from different causes, some degree of what he +described. Perhaps _ennui_ may have had a share in creating revolutions. +A French author pronounces ennui to be "a moral indigestion, caused by a +monotony of situations!" + +I had no wife or family to make domestic life agreeable: nor was I +inclined to a second marriage, my first had proved so unfortunate, and +the recollection of my disappointment with Lady Geraldine was so +recent. Even the love of power no longer acted upon me: my power was +now undisputed. My jealousy and suspicions of my agent, Mr. M'Leod, +were about this time completely conquered, by his behaviour at a general +election. I perceived that he had no underhand design upon my boroughs; +and that he never attempted or wished to interfere in my affairs, +except at my particular desire. My confidence in him became absolute +and unbounded; but this was really a misfortune to me, for it became the +cause of my having still less to do. I gave up all business, and +from all manner of trouble I was now free: yet I became more and more +unhappy, and my nervous complaints returned. I was not aware that I was +taking the very means to increase my own disease. The philosophical Dr. +Cullen observes, that "whatever aversion to application of any kind may +appear in hypochondriacs, there is nothing more pernicious to them than +absolute idleness, or a vacancy from all earnest pursuit. It is owing to +wealth admitting of indolence, and leading to the pursuit of transitory +and unsatisfying amusements, or exhausting pleasures only, that the +present times exhibit to us so many instances of hypochondriacism." + +I fancied that change of air and change of place would do me good; and, +as it was fine summer weather, I projected various parties of pleasure. +The Giants' Causeway, and the Lake of Killarney, were the only things I +had ever heard mentioned as worth seeing in Ireland. I suffered myself +to be carried into the county of Antrim, and I saw the Giants' Causeway. +From the description given by Dr. Hamilton of some of these wonders of +nature, the reader may judge how much I _ought_ to have been astonished +and delighted. + +In the bold promontory of Bengore, you behold, as you look up from +the sea, a gigantic colonnade of basaltes, supporting a black mass of +irregular rock, over which rises another range of pillars, "forming +altogether a perpendicular height of one hundred and seventy feet, from +the base of which the promontory, covered over with rock and grass, +slopes down to the sea, for the space of two hundred feet more: making, +in all, a mass of near four hundred feet in height, which, in the beauty +and variety of its colouring, in elegance and novelty of arrangement, +and in the extraordinary magnificence of its objects, cannot be +rivalled." + +Yet I was seized with a fit of yawning, as I sat in my pleasure-boat, +to admire this sublime spectacle. I looked at my watch, observed that +we should be late for dinner, and grew impatient to be rowed back to the +place where we were to dine; not that I was hungry, but I wanted to be +again set in motion. Neither science nor taste expanded my view; and I +saw nothing worthy of my admiration, or capable of giving me pleasure. +The watching a straw floating down the tide was the only amusement I +recollect to have enjoyed upon this excursion. + +I was assured, however, by Lady Ormsby, that I could not help being +enchanted with the Lake of Killarney. The party was arranged by this +lady, who, having the preceding summer seen me captivated by Lady +Geraldine, and pitying my disappointment, had formed the obliging design +of restoring my spirits, and marrying me to one of her near relatives. +She calculated, that as I had been charmed by Lady Geraldine's vivacity, +I must be enchanted with the fine spirits of Lady Jocunda Lawler. So far +were the thoughts of marriage from my imagination, that I only was sorry +to find a young lady smuggled into our party, because I was afraid +she would be troublesome: but I resolved to be quite passive upon all +occasions, where attentions to the fair sex are sometimes expected. My +arm, or my hand, or my assistance, in any manner, I was determined not +to offer: the lounging indifference which some fashionable young +men affect towards ladies, I really felt; and, besides, nobody minds +unmarried women! This fashion was _most convenient to my indolence. In +my state of torpor I was_ not, however, long left in peace. Lady Jocunda +was a high-bred romp, who made it a rule to say and do whatever she +pleased. In a hundred indirect ways I was called upon to admire her +charming spirits: but the rattling voice, loud laughter, flippant wit, +and hoyden gaiety, of Lady Jocunda, disgusted me beyond expression. A +thousand times on my journey I wished myself quietly asleep in my own +castle. Arrived at Killarney, such blowing of horns, such boating, such +seeing of prospects, such prosing of guides, all telling us what to +admire! Then such exclamations, and such clambering! I was walked and +talked till I was half-dead. I wished the rocks, and the hanging-woods, +and the glens, and the water-falls, and the arbutus, and the myrtles, +and the upper and lower lakes, and the islands, and Mucruss, and Mucruss +Abbey, and the purple mountain, and the eagle's nest, and the Grand +Turk, and the lights and the shades, and the echoes, and, above all, the +Lady Jocunda, fairly at the devil. + +A nobleman in the neighbourhood had the politeness to invite us to see a +stag-hunt upon the water. The account of this diversion, which I had met +with in my Guide to the Lakes,[83] promised well. I consented to stay +another day: that day I really was revived by this spectacle, for it was +new. The sublime and the beautiful had no charms for me: novelty was the +only power that could waken me from my lethargy; perhaps there was in +this spectacle something more than novelty. The Romans had recourse +to shows of wild beasts and gladiators to relieve their ennui. At all +events, I was kept awake this whole morning, though I cannot say that I +felt in _such ecstasies as to be in any imminent danger of jumping out +of the boat_. + +_Of our journey back from Killarney I remember nothing, but_ my being +discomfited by Lady Jocunda's practical jests and overpowering gaiety. +When she addressed herself to me, my answers were as constrained and +as concise as possible; and, as I was afterwards told, I seemed, at the +close of my reply to each interrogative of her ladyship's, to answer +with Odin's prophetess, + + "Now my weary lips I close; + Leave me, leave me to repose." + +This she never did till we parted; and, at that moment, I believe, my +satisfaction appeared so visible, that Lady Ormsby gave up all hopes of +me. Arrived at my own castle, I threw myself on my bed quite exhausted. +I took three hours' additional sleep every day for a week, to recruit my +strength, and rest my nerves, after all that I had been made to suffer +by this young lady's prodigious animal spirits. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +I could now boast that I had travelled all over Ireland, from north +to south; but, in fact, I had seen nothing of the country or of its +inhabitants. In these commodious parties of pleasure, every thing +had been provided to prevent the obstacles that roused my faculties. +Accustomed by this time to the Hibernian tone, I fancied that I knew all +that could be known of the Irish character; familiarized with the comic +expressions of the lower class of people, they amused me no longer. +On this journey, however, I recollect making one observation, and +once laughing at what I thought a practical bull. We saw a number of +labourers at work in a bog, on a very hot day, with a fire lighted +close to them. When I afterwards mentioned, before Mr. M'Leod, this +circumstance, which I had thought absurd, he informed me that the Irish +labourers often light fires, that the smoke may drive away or destroy +those myriads of tiny flies, called _midges_, by which they are often +tormented so much, that without this remedy, they would, in hot and +damp weather, be obliged to abandon their work. Had I been sufficiently +active during my journey to pen a journal, I should certainly, without +further inquiry, have noted down, that the Irish labourers _always_ +light fires in the hottest weather to cool themselves; and thus I should +have added one more to the number of cursory travellers, who expose +their own ignorance, whilst they attempt to ridicule local customs, of +which they have not inquired the cause, or discovered the utility. + +A foreigner, who has lately written Letters on England, has given a +laughable instance of this promptitude of misapprehension. He says, he +had heard much of the venality of the British parliament, but he had +no idea of the degree to which it extended, till he actually was an +eye-witness of the scene. The moment the minister entered the House, all +the members ran about exclaiming, "Places! places!" which means, Give us +places--give us places. + +My heavy indolence fortunately preserved me from exposing myself, like +these volatile tourists. I was at least secure from the danger of making +mistakes in telling what I never saw. + +As to the mode of living of the Irish, their domestic comforts or +grievances, their habits and opinions, their increasing or decreasing +ambition to better their condition, the proportion between the +population and the quantity of land cultivated or capable of +cultivation, the difference between the profits of the husbandman and +the artificer, the relation between the nominal wages of labour and +the actual command over the necessaries of life;--these were questions +wholly foreign to my thoughts, and, at this period of my life, +absolutely beyond the range of my understanding. I had travelled through +my own country without making even a single remark upon the various +degrees of industry and civilization visible in different parts of +the kingdom. In fact, it never occurred to me that it became a British +nobleman to have some notion of the general state of that empire, in the +legislation of which he has a share; nor had I the slightest suspicion +that political economy was a study requisite or suitable to my rank in +life or situation in society. Satisfied with having seen all that is +worth seeing in Ireland, the Giants' Causeway and the Lake of Killarney, +I was now impatient to return to England. During the rebellion, I +could not, with honour, desert my post; but now that tranquillity was +apparently restored, I determined to quit a country of which my partial +knowledge had in every respect been unfortunate. This resolution of +mine to leave Ireland threw Ellinor into despair, and she used all her +eloquence to dissuade me from the journey. I was quite surprised by the +agony of grief into which she was thrown by the dread of my departure. +I felt astonished that one human being could be so attached to another, +and I really envied her sensibility. My new man, Joe Kelly, also +displayed much reluctance at the thoughts of leaving his native country; +and this sentiment inclined Ellinor to think more favourably of him, +though she could not quite forgive him for being a Kelly of Ballymuddy. + +"Troth," said she to him one day, in my presence, "none of them Kellys +of Ballymuddy but what are a bad clan! Joey, is not there your own +_broder's_ uncle lying in the jail of ------ at this present time +for the murder of a woman?"--"Well," replied Joe, "and if he was so +unfortunate to be _put up_, which was not _asy_ done neither, is it +not better and more _creditabler_ to lie in a jail for a murder than +a robbery, I ask you?" This new scale of crimes surprised me; but Joe +spoke what was the sense of many of his countrymen at that period. + +By various petty attentions, this man contrived to persuade me of the +sincerity of his attachment: chiefly by the art of appearing to be +managed by me in all things, he insensibly obtained power over my pride; +and, by saving me daily trouble, secured considerable influence over my +indolence. More than any one whom I had ever seen, he had the knack of +seeming half-witted--too simple to overreach, and yet sufficiently +acute and droll to divert his master. I liked to have him about me, as +uncultivated kings like to have their fools. One of our ancient monarchs +is said to have given three parishes to his _joculator_; I gave only +three farms to mine. I had a sort of mean pride in making my favourite +an object of envy: besides, I fell into the common mistake of the +inexperienced great, who fancy that attachment can be purchased, and +that gratitude can be secured, by favours disproportioned to deserts. +Joe Kelly, by sundry manoeuvres too minute for description, contrived +to make me delay, from day to day, the preparations for my journey +to England. From week to week it was put off till the autumn was far +advanced. At length Kelly had nothing left to _suggest_, but that it +would be best to wait for answers from my English steward to the letters +that had been written to inquire whether every thing was ready for my +reception. During this interval, I avoided every human creature (except +Joe Kelly), and was in great danger of becoming a misanthrope from mere +indolence. I did not hate my fellow-creatures, but I dreaded the trouble +of talking to them. My only recreation, at this period, was sauntering +out in the evening beside the sea-shore. It was my regular practice to +sit down upon a certain large stone, at the foot of a rock, to watch the +ebbing of the tide. There was something in the contemplation of the sea +and of the tides which was fascinating to my mind. I could sit and look +at the ocean whole hours together; for, without any exertion of my own, +I beheld a grand operation of nature, accompanied with a sort of vast +monotony of motion and sound, which lulled me into reverie. + +Late one evening, as I was seated on my accustomed stone, my attention +was slightly diverted from the sea by the sight of a man descending +the crag above me, in rather a perilous manner. With one end of a rope +coiled round his body, and the other fastened to a stake driven into the +summit of the rock, he let himself half-way down the terrible height. +One foot now rested on a projecting point, one hand held the rope, and +hanging thus midway in the air, he seemed busy searching in the crevices +of the rock, for the eggs of water-fowl. This dangerous trade I had seen +frequently plied on this coast, so that I should scarcely have regarded +the man if he had not turned, from time to time, as if to watch me. When +he saw that he had fixed my eye, he threw down, as I thought, a white +stone, which fell nearly at my feet. I stooped to examine it; the man +waited till he saw it in my hands, then coiled himself swiftly up his +rope to the summit of the rock, and disappeared. I found a paper tied +round the stone, and on this paper, in a hand-writing that seemed to be +feigned, were written these words:-- + + +"Your life and caracter, one or t'other--say both, is in danger. Don't +be walking here any more late in the evening, near them caves, nor don't +go near the old abbey, any time--And don't be trusting to Joe Kelly any +way--Lave the kingdom entirely; the wind sarves. + +"So prays your true well-wisher. + +"P.S. Lave the castle the morrow, and say nothing of this to Joe Kelly, +or you'll repent when it's all over wid you." + + +I was startled a little by this letter at first, but in half an hour +I relapsed into my apathy. Many gentlemen in the country had received +anonymous letters: I had been tired of hearing of them during the +rebellion. This, I thought, might be only a _quiz_, or a trick to +hurry me out of the kingdom, contrived by some of those who desired my +absence. In short, the labour of _thinking_ about the matter fatigued +me. I burned the letter as soon as I got home, and resolved not to +puzzle or plague myself about it any more. My steward's answer came the +next morning from England; Kelly made no difficulty, when I ordered him +to be ready to set out in three days. This confirmed me in my opinion +that the letter was malicious, or a jest. Mr. M'Leod came to take leave +of me. I mentioned the circumstance to him slightly, and in general +terms: he looked very serious, and said, "All these things are little in +themselves, but are to be heeded, as marking the unsettled minds of the +people--straws that show which way the wind blows. I apprehend we shall +have a rough winter again, though we have had so still a summer. +The people about us are too _hush_ and too prudent--it is not their +natures--there's something contriving among them: they don't break one +another's heads at fairs as they used to do; they keep from whiskey; +there must be some strong motive working this change upon them--good or +bad, 'tis hard to say which. My lord, if we consider the condition of +these poor people, and if we consider the causes--" + +"Oh! for Heaven's sake, do not let us consider any more about it now; I +am more than half asleep already," said I, yawning; "and our considering +about it can do no good, to _me_ at least; for you know I am going out +of the kingdom; and when I am gone, M'Leod, you, in whom I have implicit +confidence, must manage as you always used to do, you know, and as well +as you can." + +"True," said M'Leod, calmly, "that is what I shall do, indubitably; for +that is my duty, and since your lordship has implicit confidence in me, +my pleasure. I wish your lordship a good night and a good journey." + +"I shall not set out in the morning; not till the day after to-morrow, +I believe," said I; "for I feel consumedly tired to-night: they have +plagued me about so many things to-day; so much business always before +one can get away from a place; and then Joe Kelly has no head." + +"Have a care he has not too much head, my lord, as your anonymous +correspondent hints--he may be right there: I told you from the first +I would not go security for Joe Kelly's honesty; and where there is not +strict honesty, I conceive there ought not to be implicit confidence." + +"Oh, hang it! as to honesty, they are none of them honest; I know +that: but would you have me plague myself till I find a strictly honest +servant? Joe's as honest as his neighbours, I dare say: the fellow +diverts me, and is attached to me, and that's all I can expect. I must +submit to be cheated, as all men of large fortunes are, more or less." + +Mr. M'Leod listened with stubborn patience, and replied, that if I +thought it necessary to submit to be cheated he could make no objection, +except where it might come under his cognizance, and then he must take +the liberty to remonstrate, or to give up his agency to some of the +many, who could play better than he could the part of the dog in the +fable, _pretending_ to guard his master's meat. + +The cold ungracious integrity of this man, even in my own cause, at once +excited my spleen and commanded my respect. After shaking my leg, as I +sat for two minutes in silence, I called after M'Leod, who moved towards +the door, "Why, what can I do, Mr. M'Leod? What would you have me do? +Now, don't give me one of your dry answers, but let me have your notions +as a friend: you know, M'Leod, I cannot help having the most perfect +confidence in you." + +He bowed, but rather stiffly. + +"I am proud to hear you cannot help that, my lord," said he. "As to a +friend, I never considered myself upon that footing till now: but, as +you at present honour me so far as to ask my counsel, I am free to give +it. Part with Joe Kelly to-night; and whether you go or stay, you are +safer without him. Joe's a rogue: he can do no good, and may do harm." + +"Then," said I, "you are really frightened by this anonymous letter?" + +"Cannot a man take prudent precautions without being frightened?" said +M'Leod. + +"But have you any particular reason to believe--in short to--to think, +there can be any real danger for my life?" + +"No particular reason, my lord; but the general reasons I have +mentioned, the symptoms among the common people lead me to apprehend +there may be fresh _risings_ of the people soon; and you, as a man of +fortune and rank, must be in danger. Captain Hardcastle says that he has +had informations of seditious meetings; but, he being a prejudiced man, +I don't trust altogether to what he says." + +"Trust altogether to what he says!" exclaimed I; "no, surely; for my +part, I do not trust a word he says; and his giving it as his opinion +that the people are ill-inclined would decide me to believe the exact +contrary." + +"It would hardly be safe to judge that way either," said M'Leod; "for +that method of judging by contraries might make another's folly the +master of one's own sense." + +"I don't comprehend you now. Safe way of judging or not, Captain +Hardcastle's opinion shall never lead mine. When I asked for +your advice, Mr. M'Leod, it was because I have a respect for your +understanding; but I cannot defer to Captain Hardcastle's. I am now +decided in my own opinion, that the people in this neighbourhood are +perfectly well-disposed; and as to this anonymous letter, it is a mere +trick, depend upon it, my good sir. I am surprised that a man of your +capacity should be the dupe of such a thing; I should not be surprised +if Hardcastle himself, or some of his people, wrote it." + +"I should," said M'Leod, coolly. + +"You should!" cried I, warmly. "Why so? And why do you pronounce so +decidedly, my good friend? Have not I the same means of judging as +you have? unless, indeed, you have some private reason with which I am +unacquainted. Perhaps," cried I, starting half up from the sofa on which +I lay, charmed with a bright idea, which had just struck me, "perhaps, +M'Leod, you wrote the letter yourself for a jest. Did you?" + +"That's a question, my lord," said M'Leod, growing suddenly red, and +snatching up his hat with a quicker motion than I ever saw from him +before, "that's a question, my lord, which I must take leave not to +answer; a question, give me leave to add, my Lord Glenthorn," continued +he, speaking in a broader Scotch accent than I had ever heard from +him before, "which I should knock my equal _doon_ for putting to me. A +M'Leod, my lord, in jest or in earnest, would scorn to write to any man +breathing that letter to which he would not put his name; and more, a +M'Leod would scorn to write or to say that thing, to which he ought not +to put his name. Your humble servant, my Lord Glenthorn," said he, and, +making a hasty bow, departed. + +I called after him, and even followed him to the head of the stairs, to +explain and apologize; but in vain: I never saw him angry before. + +"It's very weel, my lord, it's very weel; if you say you meant nothing +offensive, it's very weel; but if you think fit, my lord, we will sleep +upon it before we talk any more. I am a wee bit warmer than I could +wish, and your lordship has the advantage of me, in being cool. A M'Leod +is apt to grow warm, when he's touched on the point of honour; and +there's no wisdom in talking when a man's not his own master." + +"My good friend," said I, seizing his hand as he was buttoning up his +coat, "I like you the better for this warmth; but I won't let you sleep +upon your wrath: you must shake hands with me before that hall-door is +opened to you." + +"Then so I do, for there's no standing against this frankness; and, to +be as frank with you, my lord, I was wrong myself to be so testy--I ask +pardon, too. A M'Leod never thought it a disgrace to crave a pardon when +he was wrong." + +We shook hands, and parted better friends than ever. I spoke the exact +truth when I said that I liked him the better for his warmth: his anger +wakened me, and gave me something to think of, and some emotion for a +few minutes. Joe Kelly presently afterwards came, with the simplest face +imaginable, to inquire what I had determined about the journey. + +"To put it off till the day after to-morrow," said I. "Light me to bed." + +He obeyed; but observed, that "it was not his fault now if there was +puttings-off; for his share, every thing was ready, and he was willing +and ready to follow me, at a moment's warning, to the world's end, as he +had a good right to do, let alone inclination; for, parting me, he could +never be right in himself: and though loth to part his country, he had +rather part that _nor_[84] me." + +Then, without dwelling upon these expressions of attachment, he changed +to a merry mood, and by his drolleries diverted me all the time I was +going to bed, and at last fairly talked me asleep. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + +When the first grey light of morning began to make objects indistinctly +visible, I thought I saw the door of my apartment open very softly. I +was broad awake, and kept my eyes fixed upon it--it opened by very slow +degrees; my head was so full of visions, that I expected a ghost to +enter--but it was only Ellinor. + +"Ellinor!" cried I; "is it you at this time in the morning?" + +"Hush! hush!" said she, shutting the door with great precaution, and +then coming on tiptoe close to my bedside; "for the love of God, speak +softly, and make no stir to awake them that's asleep near and too near +you. It's unknown to all that I come up; for may be, when them people +are awake and about, I might not get the opportunity to speak, or they +might guess I knew something by my looks." + +Her looks were full of terror--I was all amazement and expectation. +Before she would say a word more, she searched the closets carefully, +and looked behind the tapestry, as if she apprehended that she might be +overheard: satisfied that we were alone, she went on speaking, but still +in a voice that, with my utmost strained attention, I could but just +hear. + +"As you hope to live and breathe," said she, "never go again after +night-fall any time walking in that lone place by the sea-shore. It's a +mercy you escaped as you did; but if you go again you'll never come back +alive--for never would they get you to do what they want, and to be as +wicked as themselves the wicked villains!" + +"Who?" said I. "What wicked villains? I do not understand you; are you +in your right senses?" + +"That I am, and wish you was as much in yours; but it's time yet, by the +blessing of God! What wicked villains am I talking of? Of three hundred +that have sworn to make you their captain, or, in case you refuse, to +have your life this night. What villains am I talking of? Of him, the +wickedest of all, who is now living in the very house with you, that is +now lying in the very next room to you." + +"Joe Kelly?" + +"That same. From the first minute I saw him in the castle, I should +have hated him, but for his causing you for to put off the journey to +England. I never could abide him; but that blinded me, or I am sure I +would have found him out long ago." + +"And what have you found out concerning him?" + +"That he is (speaking very low) a _united-man_, and stirring up the +_rubbles_ again here; and they have their meetings at night in the great +cave, where the smugglers used to hide formerly, under the big rock, +opposite the old abbey--and there's a way up into the abbey, that you +used to be so fond of walking to, dear." + +"Good Heavens! can this be true?" + +"True it is, and too true, dear." + +"But how did you find all this out, Ellinor?" + +"It was none of I found it, nor ever could any such things have come +into my head--but it pleased God to make the discovery of all by one of +the _childer_--my own grandson--the boy you gave the gun to, long and +long ago, to shoot them rabbits. He was after a hare yesterday, and it +took him a chase over that mountain, and down it went and took shelter +in the cave, and in went the boy after it, and as he was groping about, +he lights on an old great coat; and he brought it home with him, and was +showing it, as I was boiling the potatoes for their dinner yesterday, to +his father forenent me; and turning the pockets inside out, what should +come up but the broken head of a pipe; then he _sarches_ in the other +pocket, and finds a paper written all over--I could not read it--thank +God, I never could read none of them wicked things, nor could the +boy--by very great luck he could not, being no scholar, or it would be +all over the country before this." + +"Well, well! but what was in the paper after all? Did any body read it?" + +"Ay, did they--that is, Christy read it--none but Christy--but he would +not tell us what was in it--but said it was no matter, and he'd not be +wasting his time reading an old song--so we thought no more, and he sent +the boy up to the castle with a bill for smith's work, as soon as we had +eat the potatoes, and I thought no more about any thing's being going +wrong, no more than a child; and in the evening Christy said he must go +to the funeral of a neighbour, and should not be home till early in the +morning, may be; and it's not two hours since he came home and wakened +me, and told me where he had been, which was not to the funeral at all, +but to the cave where the coat was found; and he put the coat and the +broken head of the pike, and the papers all in the pockets, just as we +found it, in the cave--and the paper was a list of the names of them +_rubbles_ that met there, and a letter telling how they would make Lord +Glenthorn their captain, or have his life; this was what made Christy +to try and find out more--so he hid hisself in a hole in the side of the +cave, and built hisself up with rubbish, only just leaving a place for +hisself to breathe--and there he stayed till nightfall; and then on till +midnight, God help us! so sure enough, them villains all come filling +fast into the cave. He had good courage, God bless him for it--but he +always had--and there he heard and saw all--and this was how they were +talking:--First, one began by saying, how they must not be delaying +longer to show themselves; they must make a rising in the country--then +named the numbers in other parts that would join, and that they +would not be put down so _asy_ as afore, for they would have good +leaders--then some praised you greatly, and said they was sure you +favoured them in your heart, by all the ill-will you got in the county +the time of the last 'ruction. But, again, others said you was milk and +water, and did not go far enough, and never would, and that it was not +in you, and that you was a sleepy man, and not the true thing at all, +and neither beef nor _vael_. Again, thim that were for you spoke and +said you would show yourself soon--and the others made reply, and +observed you must now spake out, or never spake more; you must either +head 'em, or be tramped under foot along with the rest, so it did not +signify talking, and Joey Kelly should not be fribbling any more about +it; and it was a wonder, said they, he was not the night at the meeting. +And what was this about your being going off for England--what would +they do when you was gone with M'Leod the Scotchman, to come in over +them again agent, who was another guess sort of man from you, and never +slept at all, and would scent 'em out, and have his corps after 'em, and +that once M'Leod was master, there would be no making any head again his +head; so, not to be tiring you too much with all they said, backward and +forward, one that was a captain, or something that way, took the word, +and bid 'em all hold their peace, for they did not know what they was +talking on, and said that Joey Kelly and he had settled it all, and that +the going to England was put off by Joe, and all a sham, and that when +you would be walking out to-morrow at nightfall, in those lone places +by the sea-side or the abbey, he and Joe was to seize upon you, and when +you would be coming back near the abbey, to have you down through the +trap-door into the cave, and any way they would swear you to join and +head them, and if you would not, out with you, and shove you into the +sea, and no more about it, for it would be give out you drown' yourself +in a fit of the melancholy lunacy, which none would question, and it +would be proved too you made away wid yourself, by your hat and gloves +lying on the bank--Lord save us! What are you laughing at in that, when +it is truth every word, and Joe Kelly was to find the body, after a +great search. Well, again, say you would swear and join them, and head +them, and do whatever they pleased, still that would not save you in +the end; for they would quarrel with you at the first turn, because you +would not be ruled by them as captain, and then they would shoot or pike +you (God save the mark, dear), and give the castle to Joe Kelly, and the +plunder all among 'em entirely. So it was all laid out, and they are +all to meet in the cave to-morrow evening--they will go along bearing +a funeral, seemingly to the abbey-ground. And now you know the whole +truth, and the Lord preserve you! And what will be done? My poor head +has no more power to think for you no more than an infant's, and I'm all +in a tremble ever since I heard it, and afraid to meet any one lest they +should see all in my face. Oh, what will become of _yees_ now--they will +be the death of you, whatever you do!" + +By the time she came to these last words, Ellinor's fears had so much +overpowered her, that she cried and sobbed continually, repeating--"What +will be done now! What will be done! They'll surely be the death of +you, whatever you do." As to me, the urgency of the danger wakened my +faculties: I rose instantly, wrote a note to Mr. M'Leod, desiring to +see him immediately on particular business. Lest my note should by any +accident be intercepted or opened, I couched it in the most general +and guarded terms; and added a request, that he would bring his last +settlement of accounts with him; so that it was natural to suppose my +business with him was of a pecuniary nature. I gradually quieted poor +Ellinor by my own appearance of composure: I assured her, that we should +take our measures so as to prevent all mischief--thanked her for the +timely warning she had given me--advised her to go home before she was +observed, and charged her not to speak to any one this day of what had +happened. I desired that as soon as she should see Mr. M'Leod coming +through the gate, she would send Christy after him to the castle, to get +his bill paid; so that I might then, without exciting suspicion, talk to +him in private, and we might learn from his own lips the particulars of +what he saw and heard in the cavern. + +Ellinor returned home, promising to obey me exactly, especially as to my +injunction of secrecy--to make sure of herself she said "she would go to +bed straight, and have the rheumatism very bad all day; so as not to +be in a way to talk to none who would call in." The note to M'Leod was +despatched by one of my grooms, and I, returning to bed, was now left at +full leisure to finish my morning's nap. + +Joe Kelly presented himself at the usual hour in my room; I turned my +head away from him, and, in a sleepy tone, muttered that I had passed a +bad night, and should breakfast in my own apartment. + +Some time afterwards Mr. M'Leod arrived, with an air of sturdy pride, +and produced his accounts, of which I suffered him to talk, till the +servant who waited upon us had left the room; I then explained the real +cause of my sending for him so suddenly. I was rather vexed, that I +could not produce in him, by my wonderful narrative, any visible signs +of agitation or astonishment. He calmly observed--"We are lucky to have +so many hours of daylight before us. The first thing we have to do is to +keep the old woman from talking." + +I answered for Ellinor. + +"Then the next thing is for me, who am a magistrate, to take the +examinations of her son, and see if he will swear to the same that he +says." + +Christy was summoned into our presence, and he came with his _bill for +smith's work done_; so that the servants could have no suspicion of what +was going forward. His examinations were taken and sworn to in a +few minutes: his evidence was so clear and direct, that there was no +possibility of doubting the truth. The only variation between his story +and his mother's report to me was as to the numbers he had seen in the +cavern--her fears had turned thirteen into three hundred. + +Christy assured us that there were but thirteen at this meeting, but +that they said there were three hundred ready to join them. + +"You were a very bold fellow, Christy," said I, "to hazard yourself +in the cave with these villains; if you had been found out in your +hiding-place, they would have certainly murdered you." + +"True for me." said Christy; "but a man must die some way, please your +honour; and where's the way I could die better? Sure, I could not +but remember how good you was to me that time I was shot, and all you +suffered for it! It would have been bad indeed if I would stay quiet, +and let 'em murder you after all. No, no, Christy O'Donoghoe would not +do that--any way. I hope, if there's to be any fighting, your honour +would not wrong me so much as not to give me a blunderbush, and let me +fight a bit along wid de rest for yees." + +"We are not come to that yet, my good fellow," said Mr. M'Leod, who went +on methodically; "if you are precipitate, you will spoil all. Go home to +your forge, and work as usual, and leave the rest to us; and I promise +that you shall have your share, if there is any fighting." + +Very reluctantly Christy obeyed. Mr. M'Leod then deliberately settled +our plan of operations. I had a fishing-lodge at a little distance, +and a pleasure-boat there: to this place M'Leod was to go, as if on +a fishing-party with his nephew, a young man, who often went there to +fish. They were to carry with them some yeomen in coloured clothes, as +their attendants, and more were to come as their guests to dinner. At +the lodge there was a small four-pounder, which had been frequently used +in times of public rejoicing; a naval victory, announced in the papers +of the day, afforded a plausible pretence for bringing it out. We were +aware that the rebels would be upon the watch, and therefore took every +precaution to prevent their suspecting that we had made any discovery. +Our fishing-party was to let the mock-funeral pass them quietly, to +ask some trifling questions, and to give money for pipes and tobacco. +Towards evening the boat, with the four-pounder on board, was to come +under shore, and at a signal given by me was to station itself opposite +to the mouth of the cave. + +At the same signal a trusty man on the watch was to give notice to a +party hid in the abbey, to secure the trap-door above. The signal was to +be my presenting a pistol to the captain of the rebels, who intended +to meet and seize me on my return from my evening's walk. Mr. M'Leod at +first objected to my hazarding a meeting with this man; but I insisted +upon it, and I was not sorry to give a public proof of my loyalty, and +my personal courage. As to Joe Kelly, I also undertook to secure him. + +Mr. M'Leod left me, and went to conduct his fishing-party. As soon as he +was gone, I sent for Joe Kelly to play on the flute to me. I guarded my +looks and voice as well as I could, and he did not see or suspect any +thing--he was too full of his own schemes. To disguise his own plots +he affected great gaiety; and to divert me, alternately played on the +flute, and told me good stories all the morning. I would not let him +leave me the whole day. Towards evening I began to talk of my journey to +England, proposed setting out the next morning, and sent Kelly to look +for some things in what was called _the strong closet_--a closet with +a stout door and iron-barred windows, out of which no mortal could make +his escape. Whilst he was busy searching in a drawer, I shut the door +upon him, locked it, and put the key into my pocket. As I left the +castle, I said in a jesting tone to some of the servants who met me--"I +have locked Joe Kelly up in the strong room; if he calls to you to let +him out never mind him; he will not get out till I come home from my +walk--I owe him this trick." The servants thought it was some jest, and +I passed on with my loaded pistols in my pocket. I walked for some +time by the sea-shore, without seeing any one. At last I espied our +fishing-boat, just peering out, and then keeping close to the shore. I +was afraid that the party would be impatient at not seeing my signal, +and would come out to the mouth of the cave, and show themselves too +soon. If Mr. M'Leod had not been their commander, this, as I afterwards +learned, would have infallibly happened; but he was so punctual, cool, +and peremptory, that he restrained the rest of the party, declaring +that, if it were till midnight, he would wait till the signal agreed +upon was given. At last I saw a man creeping out of the cave--I sat down +upon my wonted stone, and yawned as naturally as I could; then began to +describe figures in the sand with my stick, as I was wont to do, still +watching the image of the man in the water as he approached. He was +muffled up in a frieze great coat; he sauntered past, and went on to a +turn in the road, as if looking for some one. I knew well for whom he +was looking. As no Joe Kelly came to meet him, he returned in a few +minutes towards me. I had my hand upon the pistol in my pocket. + +"You are my Lard Glenthorn, I presume," said he. + +"I am." + +"Then you will come with me, if you plase, my lard," said he. + +"Make no resistance, or I will shoot you instantly," cried I, presenting +my pistol with one hand, and seizing him by the collar with the other. +I dragged him (for I had force enough, now my energy was roused) to the +spot appointed for my signal. The boat appeared opposite the mouth of +the cave. Every thing answered my expectation. + +"There," said I, pointing to the boat, "there are my armed friends; +they have a four-pounder--the match is ready lighted--your plot is +discovered. Go in to your confederates in that cave; tell them so. +The trap-door is secured above; there is no escape for them: bid them +surrender: if they attempt to rush out, the grape shot will pour upon +them, and they are dead men." + +I cannot say that my rebel captain showed himself as stout as I could +have wished, for the honour of my victory. The surprise disconcerted him +totally: I felt him tremble under my grasp. He obeyed my orders--went +into the cave to bring his associates to submission. His parley with +them, however, was not immediately successful: I suppose there were some +braver fellows than he amongst them, whose counsel might be for open +war. In the mean time our yeomen landed, and surrounded the cave on all +sides, so that there was no possibility of escape for those within. At +last they yielded themselves our prisoners. I am sorry I have no bloody +battle for the entertainment of such of my readers as like horrors; but +so it was, that they yielded without a drop of blood being spilled, or a +shot fired. We let them out of their hiding-place one by one, searching +each as he issued forth, to be secure that they had no concealed +weapons. After they had given up the arms which were concealed in the +cave, the next question was, what to do with our prisoners. As it was +now late, and they could not all be examined and committed with due +legal form to the county gaol, Mr. M'Leod advised that we should +detain them in the place they had chosen for themselves till morning. +Accordingly, in the cave we again stowed them, and left a guard at each +entrance to secure them for the night. We returned to the castle. I +stopped at the gate to tell Ellinor and Christy that I was safe. They +were sitting up watching for the news. The moment Ellinor saw me, she +clasped her hands in an ecstasy of joy, but could not speak. Christy was +voluble in his congratulations; but, in the midst of his rejoicing, +he could not help reproaching me with forgetting to give him the +_blunderbush_, and to let him have a bit of the fighting. "Upon my +honour," said I, "there was none, or you should have been there." + +"Oh, don't be plaguing and gathering round him now," said Ellinor: "sure +he is tired, and look how hot--no wonder--let him get home and to bed: +I'll run and warm it with the pan myself, and not be trusting them." + +She would not be persuaded that I did not desire to have my bed warmed, +but, by some short cut, got in before us. On entering the castle-hall, +I found her, with the warming-pan in her hand, held back by the +inquisitive servants, who were all questioning her about the news, of +which she was the first, and not very intelligible enunciator. + +I called for bread and water for my prisoner in the strong-room, and +then I heard various exclamations of wonder. + +"Ay, it is all true! it is no jest! Joe is at the bottom of all. _I_ +never liked Joe Kelly--_I_ always knew Joe was not the right thing--and +_I_ always said so; and I, and I, and I. And it was but last week I was +saying so: and it was but yesterday _I_ said so and so." + +I passed through the gossiping crowd with bread and water for my +culprit. McLeod instantly saw and followed me. + +"I will make bold to come with you," said he; "a pent rat's a dangerous +animal."--I thanked him, and acquiesced; but there was no need for +the precaution. When we opened the door, we found the conscience or +terror-struck wretch upon his knees, and in the most abject terms he +implored for mercy. From the windows of the room, which looked into the +castle-yard, he had heard enough to guess all that had happened. I could +not bear to look at him. After I had set down his food, he clung to +my knees, crying and whining in a most unmanly manner. McLeod, with +indignation, loosened him from me, threw him back, and locked the door. + +"Cowardice and treachery," said he, "usually go together." + +"And courage and sincerity," said I. "And now we'll go to supper, my +good friends. I hope you are all as hungry as I am." + +I never did eat any meal with so much appetite. + +"Tis a pity, my lord," said McLeod, "but that there was a conspiracy +against you every day of your life, it seems to do you so much good." + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + +"What new wonders? What new misfortunes, Ellinor?" said I, as Ellinor, +with a face of consternation, appeared again in the morning in my room, +just as I was going down to breakfast: "what new misfortunes, Ellinor?" + +"Oh! the worst that could befall me!" cried she, wringing her hands; +"the worst, the very worst!--to be the death of my own child!" said +she, with inexpressible horror. "Oh! save him! save him! for the love +of heaven, dear, save him! If you don't save him, 'tis I shall be his +death." + +She was in such agony, that she could not explain herself farther for +some minutes. + +"It was I gave the information against them all to you. But how could +I ever have thought Owen was one of them? My son, my own son, the +unfortunate cratur; I never thought but what he was with the militia far +away. And how could it ever come into my head that Owen could have any +hand in a thing of the kind?" + +"But I did not see him last night," interrupted I. + +"Oh! he was there! One of his own friends, one of the military that went +with you, saw him among the prisoners, and came just now to tell me of +it. That Owen should be guilty of the like!--Oh! what could have come +over him! He must have been out of his _rason_. And against you to be +plotting! That's what I never will believe, if even I'd hear it from +himself. But he's among them that were taken last night. And will I +live to see him go to gaol?--and will I live to see--No, I'd rather die +first, a thousand and a thousand times over. Oh! for mercy's sake!" said +she, dropping on her knees at my feet, "have pity on me, and don't let +the blood of my own child be upon me in my old days." + +"What would you have me do, Ellinor?" said I, much moved by her +distress. + +"There is but one thing to do," said she. "Let him off: sure a word from +you would be enough for the soldiers that are over them on guard. And +Mr. McLeod has not yet seen him; and if he was just let escape, there +would be no more about it; and I'd I engage he shall fly the country, +the unfortunate cratur! and never trouble you more. This is all I ask: +and sure, dear, you can't refuse it to your own Ellinor; your old nurse, +that carried ye in her arms, and fed ye with her milk, and watched over +ye many's the long night, and loved ye; ay, none ever loved, or could +love ye so well." + +"I am sensible of it; I am grateful," interrupted I; "but what you ask +of me, Ellinor, is impossible--I cannot let him escape; but I will do my +utmost." + +"Troth, nothing will save him, if you would not say the word for him +now. Ah! why cannot you let him off, then?" + +"I should lose my honour; I should lose my character. You know that +I have been accused of favouring the rebels already--you saw the +consequences of my protecting your other son, though he was innocent and +injured, and bore an excellent character." + +"Christy; ay, true: but poor Owen, unlucky as he is, and misguided, has +a better claim upon you." + +"How can that be? Is not the other my foster-brother, in the first +place?" + +"True for him." + +"And had not I proofs of his generous conduct and attachment to me?" + +"Owen is naturally fonder of you by a great deal," interrupted she; +"I'll answer for that." + +"What! when he has just been detected in conspiring against my life?" + +"That's what I'll never believe," cried Ellinor, vehemently: "that he +might be drawn in, may be, when out of his _rason_--he was always a wild +boy--to be a united-man, and to hope to get you for his captain, might +be the case, and bad enough that; but, jewel, you'll find he did never +conspire against you: I'd lay down my life upon that." + +She threw herself again at my feet, and clung to my knees. + +"As you hope for mercy yourself in this world, or the world to come, +show some now, and do not be so hard-hearted as to be the death of both +mother and son." + +Her supplicating looks and gestures, her words, her tears, moved me so +much, that I was on the point of yielding; but recollecting what was +due to justice and to my own character, with an effort of what I thought +virtuous resolution, I repeated, "It is impossible: my good Ellinor, +urge me no farther: ask any thing else, and it shall be granted, but +this is impossible." + +As I spoke, I endeavoured to raise her from the ground; but with the +sudden force of angry despair, she resisted. + +"No, you shall not raise me," cried she. "Here let me lie, and break my +heart with your cruelty! 'Tis a judgment upon me--it's a judgment, and +it's fit I should feel it as I do. But you shall feel too, in spite of +your hard heart. Yes, your heart is harder than the marble: you want the +natural touch, you do; for your mother has knelt at your feet, and you +have denied her prayer." + +"My mother!" + +"And what was her prayer?--to save the life of your brother." + +"My brother! Good heavens! what do I hear?" + +"You hear the truth: you hear that I am your lawful mother. Yes, you +are my son. You have forced that secret from me, which I thought to have +carried with me to my grave. And now you know all: and now you know how +wicked I have been, and it was all for you; for you that refused me the +only thing ever I asked, and that, too, in my greatest distress, when +my heart was just breaking: and all this time too, there's Christy--poor +good Christy; he that I've wronged, and robbed of his rightful +inheritance, has been as a son, a dutiful good son to me, and never did +he deny me any thing I could ask; but in you I have found no touch of +tenderness. Then it's fit I should tell you again, and again, and again, +that he who is now slaving at the forge, to give me the earnings of his +labour; he that lives, and has lived all his days, upon potatoes and +salt, and is content; he who has the face and the hands so disguised +with the smoke and the black, that yourself asked him t'other day did +he ever wash his face since he was born--I tell ye, he it is who should +live in this castle, and sleep on that soft bed, and be lord of all +here--he is the true and real Lord Glenthorn, and to the wide world I'll +make it known. Ay, be pale and tremble, do; it's your turn now: I've +touched you now: but it's too late. In the face of day I shall confess +the wrong I've done; and I shall call upon you to give back to him all +that by right is his own." + +Ellinor stopped short, for one of my servants at this instant came into +the room. + +"My lord, Mr. McLeod desires me to let you know the guard has brought up +the prisoners, and he is going to commit them to gaol, and would be glad +to know if you choose to see them first, my lord." + +Stupified by all I had just heard, I could only reply, that I would come +presently. Ellinor rushed past the servant,--"Are they come?" cried she. +"Where will I get a sight of them?" I stayed for a few minutes alone, to +decide upon what I ought to say and do. A multitude of ideas, more than +had ever come in my mind in a twelvemonth, passed through it in these +few minutes. + +As I was slowly descending the great staircase, Ellinor came running, +as fast as she could run, to the foot of the stairs, exclaiming, "It's +a mistake! it's all a mistake, and I was a fool to believe them that +brought me the word. Sure Ody's not there at all! nor ever was in it. +I've seen them all, face to face; and my son's not one of them, nor +ever was: and I was a fool from beginning to end--and I beg your pardon +entirely," whispered she, coming close to my ear: "I was out of my +reason at the thought of that boy's being to suffer, and I, his mother, +the cause of it. Forgive all I said in my passion, my own best jewel: +you was always good and tender to me, and be the same still, dear. I'll +never say a word more about it to any one living: the secret shall die +with me. Sure, when my conscience has borne it so long, it may strive +and bear it a little longer for your sake: and it can't be long I have +to live, so that will make all easy. Hark! they are asking for you. Do +you go your ways into the great parlour, to Mr. McLeod, and think no +more of any thing at all but joy. My son's not one of them! I must go to +the forge, and tell Christy the good news." + +Ellinor departed, quite satisfied with herself, with me, and with all +the world. She took it for granted that she left me in the same state of +mind, and that I should obey her injunctions, and _think of nothing but +joy_. Of what happened in the great parlour, and of the examinations of +the prisoners, I have but a confused recollection. I remember that Mr. +McLeod seemed rather surprised by my indifference to what concerned me +so nearly; and that he was obliged to do all the business himself. The +men were, I believe, all committed to gaol, and Joe Kelly turned king's +evidence; but as to any further particulars, I know no more than if I +had been in a dream. The discovery which Ellinor had just made to me +engrossed all my powers of attention. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + +"Le vrai n'est pas toujours vraisemblable," says an acute observer of +human affairs. The romance of real life certainly goes beyond all other +romances; and there are facts which few writers would dare to put into a +book, as there are skies which few painters would venture to put into a +picture. + +When I had leisure to reflect, I considered, that as yet I had no proof +of the truth of Ellinor's strange story, except her own assertions. I +sent for her again, to examine her more particularly. I was aware that, +if I alarmed her, I should so confuse her imagination, that I should +never obtain the truth; therefore I composed myself, and assumed my +usual external appearance of nonchalance. I received her lolling upon +my sofa, as usual, and I questioned her merely as if to gratify an idle +curiosity. + +"Troth, dear," said she, "I'll tell you the whole story how it was, to +make your mind asy, which, God knows, mine never was, from that minute +it first came into my head, till this very time being. You mind the time +you got the cut in your head--no, not you, jewel; but the little +lord that was then, Christy there below that is.--Well, the cut was +a terrible cut as ever you seen, got by a fall on the fender from the +nurse's arms, that was drunk, three days after he was born." + +"I remember to have heard my father talk of some accident of this sort, +which happened to me when I was an infant." + +"Ay, sure enough it did, and that was what first put him in the notion +of taking the little lord out of the hands of the Dublin nurse-tenders, +and them that were about my Lady Glenthom, and did not know how to +manage her, which was the cause of her death: and he said he'd have +his own way about his son and heir any way, and have him nursed by a +wholesome woman in a cabin, and brought up hardy, as he, and the old +lord, and all the family, were before him. So with that he sends for me, +and he puts the young lord, God bless him, into my arms himself, and a +_donny_ thing he was that same time to look at, for he was but just out +of the surgeon's hands, the head just healed and scarred over like; and +my lord said there should be no more doctors never about him. So I took +him, that is, Christy, and you, to a house at the sea, for the salt +water, and showed him every justice; and my lord often came to see him +whilst he was in the country; but then he was off, after a time, to +Dublin, and I was in a lone place, where nobody came, and the child was +very sick with me, and you was all the time as fine and thriving a child +as ever you see; and I thought, to be sure, one night, that he would die +wid me. He was very bad, very bad indeed; and I was sitting up in bed, +rocking him backwards and forwards this ways: I thought with myself, +what a pity it was, the young lord should die, and he an only son and +heir, and the estate to go out of the family the Lord knows where; and +then the grief the father would be in: and then I thought how happy he +would be if he had such a fine _babby_ as you, dear; and you was a fine +_babby_ to be sure: and then I thought how happy it would be for you, if +you was in the place of the little lord: and then it came into my head, +just like a shot, where would be the harm to change you? for I thought +the real lord would surely die; and then, what a gain it would be to +all, if it was never known, and if the dead child was carried to the +grave, since it must go, as only poor Ellinor O'Donoghoe's, and no more +about it. Well, if it was a wicked thought, it was the devil himself put +it in my head, to be sure; for, only for him, I should never have had +the sense to think of such a thing, for I was always innocent like, and +not worldly given. But so it was, the devil put it in my head, and made +me do it, and showed me how, and all in a minute. So, I mind, your eyes +and hair were both of the very same colour, dear; and as to the rest, +there's no telling how those young things alter in a few months, and +my lord would not be down from Dublin in a hurry, so I settled it all +right; and as there was no likelihood at all the real lord would live, +that quieted my conscience; for I argued, it was better the father +should have any sort of child at all than none. So, when my lord came +down, I carried him the child to see, that is you, jewel. He praised me +greatly for all the care I had taken of his boy; and said, how finely +you was come on! and I never see a father in greater joy; and it would +have been a sin, I thought, to tell him the truth, after he took the +change that was put upon him so well, and it made him so happy like. +Well, I was afeard of my life he'd pull off the cap to search for the +scar, so I would not let your head be touched any way, dear, saying it +was tinder and soft still with the fall, and you'd cry if the cap was +stirred; and so I made it out indeed, very well; for, God forgive me, +I twitched the string under your chin, dear, and made you cry like mad, +when they would come to touch you. So there was no more about it, and I +had you home to myself, and, all in good time, the hair grew, and fine +thick hair it was, God bless you; and so there was no more about it, and +I got into no trouble at all, for it all fell out just as I had laid it +out, except that the real little young lord did not die as I thought; +and it was a wonder but he did, for you never saw none so near death, +and backwards and forwards, what turns of sickness he took with me for +months upon months, and year after year, so that none could think, no +more than me, there was any likelihood at all of rearing him to man's +estate. So that kept me easier in my mind concerning what I'd done; for +as I kept saying to myself, better the family should have an heir to the +estate, suppose not the right, than none at all; and if the father, nor +nobody, never found it out, there was he and all the family made happy +for life, and my child made a lord of, and none the wiser or the worse. +Well, so I down-argued my conscience; and any way I took to little +Christy, as he was now to be called--and I loved him, all as one as if +he was my own--not that he was ever as well-looking as Ody, or any of +the childer I had, but I never made any differ betwixt him and any of my +own--he can't say as I did, any how, and he has no reason to complain of +my being an unnat'ral mother to him, and being my foster-child I had a +right to love him as I did, and I never wronged him in any way, except +in the one article of changing him at nurse, which he being an infant, +and never knowing, wa" never a bit the worse for, nor never will, now. +So all's right^ dear, and make your mind asy, jewel; there's the whole +truth of the story, for you." + +"But it is a very strange story, Ellinor, after all, and--and I have +only your word for it, and may be you are only taking advantage of my +regard for you to make me believe you." + +"What is it, plase your honour?" said she, stepping forward, as if she +did not hear or understand me. + +"I say, Ellinor, that after all I have no proof of the truth of this +story, except your word." + +"And is not that enough? and where's the use of having more? but if it +will make you asy, sure I can give you proof--sure need you go farther +than the scar on his head? If he was shaved to-morrow, I'd engage you'd +see it fast enough. But sure, can't you put your hand up to your head +this minute, and feel there never was no scar there, nor if all the hair +you have, God save the mark, was shaved this minute, never a bit of a +scar would be to be seen: but proof is it you want?--why, there's the +surgeon that dressed the cut in the child's head, before he ever came to +me; sure he's the man that can't forget it, and that will tell all: so +to make your mind asy, see him, dear; but for your life don't let him +see your head to feel it, for he'd miss the scar, and might suspect +something by your going to question him." + +"Where does he live?" interrupted I. + +"Not above twelve miles off." + +"Is he alive?" + +"Ay, if he been't dead since Candlemas." + +At first I thought of writing to this man; but afterwards, being afraid +of committing myself by writing, I went to him: he had long before this +time left off business, and had retired to enjoy his fortune in the +decline of life. He was a whimsical sort of character; he had some +remains of his former taste for anatomy, and was a collector of +curiosities. I found him just returned from a lake which he had been +dragging for a moose-deer's horns, to complete the skeleton of a +moose-deer, which he had mounted in his hall. I introduced myself, +desiring to see his museum, and mentioned to him the thigh-bone of +a giant found in ray neighbourhood; then by favour of this bone I +introduced the able cure that he had made of a cut in my head, when I +was a child. + +"A cut in your head, sir? Yes, my lord, I recollect perfectly well, it +was a very ugly cut, especially in an infant's head; but I am glad to +find you feel no bad effects from it. Have you any cicatrice on the +place?--Eleven feet high, did you say? and is the giant's skeleton in +your neighbourhood?" + +I humoured his fancy, and by degrees he gave me all the information I +wanted without in the least suspecting my secret motives. He described +the length, breadth, and depth, of the wound to me; showed me just where +it was on the head, and observed that it must have left an indelible +mark, but that my fine hair covered it. When he seemed disposed to +search for it, I defended myself with the giant's thigh-bone, and warded +off his attacks most successfully. To satisfy myself upon this point, I +affected to think that he had not been paid: he said he had been amply +paid, and he showed me his books to prove it. I examined the dates, and +found that they agreed with Ellinor's precisely. On my return home, the +first thing I did was to make Christy a present of a new wig, which +I was certain would induce him to shave his head; for the lower Irish +agree with the beaux and belles of London and Paris, in preferring wigs +to their own hair. Ellinor told me, that I might safely let his head be +shaved, because to her certain knowledge, he had scars of so many cuts +which he had received at fairs upon his skull, that there would appear +nothing particular _in one more or less_. As soon as the head was +shaved, and the wig was worn, I took an opportunity one day of stopping +at the forge to have one of my horse's shoes changed; and whilst this +was doing, I took notice of his new wig, and how well it fitted him. +As I expected, he took it off to show it me better, and to pay his own +compliments to it. + +"Sure enough, you are a very fine wig," said he, apostrophising it as he +held it up on the end of his hammer; "and God bless him that give it me, +and it fits me as if it was nailed to my head." + +"You seem to have had a good many nails in your head already, Christy," +said I, "if one may judge by all these scars." + +"Oh yes, please your honour, my lord," said he, "there's no harm in them +neither; they are scratches got when I was no wiser than I should be, at +fairs, fighting with the boys of Shrawd-na-scoob." + +Whilst he fought his battles o'er again, I had leisure to study his +head; and I traced precisely all the boundary lines. The situation, +size, and figure of the cicatrice, which the surgeon and Ellinor had +described to me, were so visible and exact, that no doubt could remain +in my mind of Christy's being the real son of the late Lord and Lady +Glenthorn. This conviction was still more impressed upon my mind a few +days afterwards. I recollected having seen a file of family pictures in +a lumber-room in the castle; and I rummaged them out to see if I could +discover amongst them any likeness to Christy: I found one; the picture +of my grandfather,--I should say, of _his_ grandfather, to which Christy +bore a striking resemblance, when I saw him with his face washed, and in +his Sunday clothes. + +My mind being now perfectly satisfied of the truth of Ellinor's story, +I was next to consider how I ought to act. To be or not to be Lord +Glenthorn, or, in other words, to be or not to be a villain, was now the +question. I could not dissemble to my conscience this plain state of the +case, that I had no right to keep possession of that which I knew to be +another's lawful property; yet, educated as I had been, and accustomed +to the long enjoyment of those luxuries, which become necessaries to the +wealthy; habituated to attendance as I had been; and, even amongst the +dissipated and idle, notorious for extravagance the most unbounded and +indolence the most inveterate; how was I at once to change my habits, to +abdicate my rank and power, to encounter the evils of poverty? I was +not compelled to make such sacrifices; for though Ellinor's transient +passion had prompted her to threaten me with a public discovery, yet I +knew that she would as soon cut off her own right hand as execute her +threats. Her affection for me, and her pride in my consequence, were so +strong, that I knew I might securely rely upon her secrecy. The horrid +idea of being the cause of the death of one of her own children had for +a moment sufficient power to balance her love for me; yet there was but +little probability that any similar trial should occur, nor had I reason +to apprehend that the reproaches of her conscience should induce her to +make a voluntary discovery; for all her ideas of virtue depended on the +principle of fidelity to the objects of her affection, and no +scrupulous notions of justice disturbed her understanding or alarmed her +self-complacency. Conscious that she would willingly sacrifice all she +had in the world for any body she loved, and scarcely comprehending that +any one could be selfish, she, in a confused way, applied the maxim of +"Do as you would be done by," and was as generous of the property of +others as of her own. At the worst, if a law-suit commenced against +me, I knew that possession was nine points of the law. I also knew that +Ellinor's health was declining, and that the secret would die with her. +Unlawful possession of the wealth I enjoyed could not, however, satisfy +my own mind; and, after a severe conflict between my love of ease and my +sense of right--between my tastes and my principles--I determined to +act honestly and honourably, and to relinquish what I could no longer +maintain without committing injustice, and feeling remorse. I was, +perhaps, the more ready to do rightly because I felt that I was not +compelled to it. The moment when I made this virtuous decision was the +happiest I had at that time ever felt: my mind seemed suddenly relieved +from an oppressive weight; my whole frame glowed with new life; and +the consciousness of courageous integrity elevated me so much in my own +opinion, that titles, and rank, and fortune, appeared as nothing in my +estimation. I rang my bell eagerly, and ordered that Christy O'Donoghoe +should be immediately sent for. The servant went instantly; but it +seemed to me an immoderately long time before Christy arrived. I walked +up and down the room impatiently, and at last threw myself at full +length upon the sofa: the servant returned. + +"The smith is below in the hall, my lord." + +"Show him up."--He was shown up into the ante-chamber. + +"The smith is at the door, my lord." + +"Show him in, cannot you? What detains him?" + +"My brogues, my lord! I'd be afraid to come in with 'em on the carpet." +Saying this, Christy came in, stepping fearfully, astonished to find +himself in a splendid drawing-room. + +"Were you never in this room before, Christy?" said I. + +"Never, my lord, plase your honour, barring the day I mended the bolt." + +"It is a fine room, is not it, Christy?" + +"Troth, it is the finest ever I see, sure enough." + +"How should you like to have such a room of your own, Christy?" + +"Is it I, plase your honour?" replied he, laughing; "what should I do +with the like?" + +"How should you feel if you were master of this great castle?" + +"It's a poor figure I should make, to be sure," said he, turning his +head over his shoulder towards the door, and resting upon the lock: "I'd +rather be at the forge by a great _dale_." + +"Are you sure of that, Christy? Should not you like to be able to live +without working any more, and to have horses and servants of your own?" + +"What would I do with them, plase your honour, I that have never been +used to them? sure they'd all laugh at me, and I'd not be the better o' +that, no more than of having nothing to do; I that have been always +used to the work, what should I do all the day without it? But sure, +my lord," continued he, changing his voice to a more serious tone, "the +horse that I shod yesterday for your honour did not go lame, did he?" + +"The horse is very well shod, I believe; I have not ridden him since: I +know nothing of the matter." + +"Because I was thinking, may be, it was that made your honour send for +me up in the hurry--I was afeard I'd find your honour mad with me; and +I'd be very sorry to disoblige you, my lord; and I'm glad to see your +honour looking so well after all the trouble you've been put to by them +_rubbles_, the villains, to be _consarting_ against you under-ground. +But, thanks be to God, you have 'em all in gaol now. I thought my mother +would have died of the fright she took, when the report came that Ody +was one of them. I told her there could not be no truth in it at all, +but she would not mind me: it would be a strange unnatural thing, +indeed, of any belonging to her to be plotting against your honour. I +knew Ody could not be in it, and be a brother of mine; and that's what +I kept saying all the time but she never heeded me: for, your honour +knows, when the women are frighted, and have taken a thing into their +heads, you can't asy get it out again." + +"Very true: but to return to what I was saying, should not you like to +change places with me, if you could?" + +"Your honour, my lord, is a very happy jantleman, and a very good +jantleman, there's no doubt, and there's few but would be proud to be +like you in any thing at all." + +"Thank you for that compliment. But now, in plain English, as to +yourself, would you like to be in my place--to change places with me?" + +"In your honour's place--I! I would _not_, my lord; and that's the +truth, now," said he, decidedly. "I would not: no offence--your honour +bid me to speak the truth; for I've all I want in the world, a good +mother, and a good wife, and good _childer_, and a reasonable good +little cabin, and my little _pratees_, and the grazing of the cow, and +work enough always, and not called on to slave, and I get my health, +thank God for all; and what more could I have if I should be made a lord +to-morrow? Sure, my good woman would never make a lady; and what should +I do with her? I'd be grieved to see her the laughing-stock of high +and low, besides being the same myself, and my boy after me. That would +never answer for me; so I am not like them that would overturn all to +get uppermost; I never had any hand, art, or part, in a thing of the +kind; I always thought and knew I was best as I am; not but what, if +I was to change with any, it is with you, my lord, I would be proud to +change; because if I was to be a jantleman at all, I'd wish to be of a +_ra-al_ good _ould_ family born." + +"You are then what you wish to be?" said I. + +"Och!" said he, laughing and scratching his head, "your honour's jesting +me about them kings of Ireland, that they say the O'Donoghoes was once: +but that's what I never think _on_, that's all idle talk for the like of +me, for sure that's a long time ago, and what use going back to it? One +might as well be going back to Adam, that was the father of all, but +which makes no differ now." + +"But you do not understand me," interrupted I; "I am not going back +to the kings of Ireland: I mean to tell you, that you were born a +gentleman--nay, I am perfectly serious; listen to me." + +"I do, plase your honour, though it is mocking me, I know you are; I +would be sorry not to take a joke as well as another." + +"This is no joke; I repeat that I am serious. You are not only a +gentleman, but a nobleman: to you this castle and this great estate +belongs, and to you they shall be surrendered." + +He stood astonished; and, his eyes opening wide, showed a great circle +of white in his black face. + +"Eh!" cried he, drawing that long breath, which astonishment had +suppressed. "But how can this be?" + +"Your mother can explain better than I can: your mother, did I say? she +is not your mother; Lady Glenthorn was your mother." + +"I can't understand it at all--I can't understand it at all. I'll lave +it all to your honour," said he, making a motion with his hands, as if +to throw from him the trouble of comprehending it. + +"Did you never hear of such a thing as a child's being changed at +nurse?" + +"I did, plase your honour; but _my_ mother would never do the like, I'll +answer for _her_, any way; and them that said any thing of the kind, +belied her; and don't be believing them, my lord." + +"But Ellinor was the person who told me this secret." + +"Was she so? Oh, she must have been _draaming_; she was always too good +a mother to me to have sarved me so. But," added he, struggling to clear +his intellects, "you say it's not my mother she is; but whose mother is +she then? Can it be that she is yours? 'tis not possible to think such a +great lord was the son of such as her, to look at you both: and was you +the son of my father Johnny O'Donoghoe? How is that again?" + +He rubbed his forehead; and I could scarcely forbear laughing at his odd +perplexity, though the subject was of such serious importance. When he +clearly understood the case, and thoroughly believed the truth, he did +not seem elated by this sudden change of fortune; he really thought more +of me than of himself. + +"Well, I'll tell you what you will do then," continued he, after a pause +of deep reflection; "say nothing to nobody, but just keep asy on, even +as we are. Don't let there be any surrendering at all, and I'll speak to +my mother, that is, Ellinor O'Donoghoe, and settle it so; and let it +be so settled, in the name of God, and no more about it: and none need +never be the wiser; 'tis so best for all. A good day to your honour, and +I'll go shoe the mare." + +"Stay," said I; "you may hereafter repent of this sudden determination. +I insist upon your taking four-and-twenty hours--no, that would be too +little--take a month to consider of it coolly, and then let me know your +final determination." + +"Oh! plase your honour, I will say the same then as now. It would be +a poor thing indeed of me, after all you done for me and mine, to be +putting you to more trouble. It would be a poor thing of me to forget +how you liked to have lost your life all along with me at the time of +the 'ruction. No, I'll not take the fortin from you, any how." + +"Put gratitude to me out of the question," said I. "Far be it from me +to take advantage of your affectionate temper. I do not consider you as +under any obligations to me; nor will I be paid for doing justice." + +"Sure enough, your honour desarved to be born a gentleman," said +Christy. + +"At least I have been bred a gentleman," said I. "Let me see you again +this day month, and not till then." + +"You shall not--that is, you _shall_, plase your honour: but for fear +any one would suspect any thing, I'd best go shoe the mare, any way." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + + "What riches give us, let us then inquire-- + Meat, fire, and clothes--What more?--Meat, clothes, and fire." + +The philosophy we learn from books makes but a faint impression upon the +mind, in comparison with that which we are taught by our own experience; +and we sometimes feel surprised to find that what we have been taught as +maxims of morality prove true in real life. After having had, for many +years, the fullest opportunities of judging of the value of riches, +when I reflected upon my past life, I perceived that their power +of conferring happiness is limited, nearly as the philosophic poet +describes; that all the changes and modifications of luxury must, in +the sum of actual physical enjoyment, be reduced to a few elementary +pleasures, of which the industrious poor can obtain their share: a small +share, perhaps; but then it is enjoyed with a zest that makes it equal +in value perhaps to the largest portion offered to the sated palate of +ennui. These truths are as old as the world; but they appeared quite new +to me, when I discovered them by my own experience. + +During the month which I had allowed to my foster-brother for +reflection, I had leisure to philosophize, and my understanding made +a rapid progress. I foresaw the probability of Christy's deciding to +become Earl of Glenthorn; notwithstanding that his good sense had so +clearly demonstrated to him in theory, that, with his education and +habits, he must be happier working in his forge than he could be as lord +of Glenthorn Castle. I was not dismayed by the idea of losing my wealth +and rank; I was pleased with myself for my honest conduct, and conscious +of a degree of pleasure from my own approbation, superior to what my +riches had ever procured. + +The day appointed for Christy's final determination arrived. I knew +by the first motion of his shoulder as he came into the room, what his +decision would be. + +"Well, Christy," said I, "you will be Earl of Glenthorn, I perceive. You +are glad now that I did not take you at your word, and that I gave you a +month's time for consideration." + +"Your honour was always considerate; but if I'd wish now to be changing +my mind," said he, hesitating, and shifting from leg to leg, "it is not +upon my own account, any way, but upon my son Johnny's." + +"My good friend," said I, "no apology is necessary. I should be very +unjust if I were offended by your decision, and very mean if, after the +declarations I have made, I could, for an instant, hesitate to restore +to you that property which it is your right and your choice to reclaim." + +Christy made a low bow, and seemed much at a loss what he was to say +next. + +"I hope," continued I, "that you will be as happy when you are Earl of +Glenthorn, as you have been as Christy O'Donoghoe." + +"May be not, plase your honour; but I trust my childer will be happy +after me; and it's them and my wife I'm thinking of, as in duty bound. +But it is hard your honour should be astray for want of the fortin +you've been bred to; and this weighs with me greatly on the other side. +If your honour could live on here, and share with us--But I see your +honour's displeased at my naming _that_. It was my wife thought o' that; +I knew it could not do. But then, what I think is, that your honour +should name what you would be pleased to keep to live upon: for, to be +sure, you have a right to live as a gentleman, that have always lived as +one, as every body knows, and none better than I. Would your honour be +so kind, then, as just to put down on a bit of paper what you'd wish to +keep; and that same, whatever it is, none shall touch but yourself; and +I would not own a child for mine that would begrudge it you. I'll step +down and wait below while your honour writes what you plase." + +The generosity of this man touched me to the heart. I accepted from him +three hundred a year; and requested that the annuity I allowed to the +unfortunate Lady Glenthorn might be continued; that the house which I +had built for Ellinor, and the land belonging to it, might be secured +to her rent-free for life; and that all my debts should be paid. I +recommended Mr. M'Leod in the strongest manner, as an agent whose +abilities and integrity would be to him an invaluable treasure. + +Christy, when I gave him the paper on which I had stated these requests, +took a pen instantly, and would have signed his name without reading it; +but to this I absolutely objected. + +"Well, then," said he, "I'll take it home, and read it over, and take +time, as you desire, to consider. There's no danger of my changing my +mind about this: I hope your honour can't think there is." + +The next day, on returning it to me, he observed, that it was making +very little of him to put down only such a trifle; and he pressed me to +make the hundreds thousands:--this I refused. + +"But I hope your honour won't object to what I am going to propose. Is +not there a house in London? and is not there another in England, in the +country? and, sure, I and mine can't live there and here and every where +at once: if you'd just condescend to occupy one of them, you'd do me a +great pleasure, and a great sarvice too; for every thing would be +right, instead of going wrong, as it might under an agent, and me at a +distance, that does not know well how to manage such great estates. I +hope you'll not refuse me that, if it's only to show me I don't lose +your honour's good-will." + +The offer was made with so much earnestness, and even delicacy, that +I could not abruptly refuse it at the moment, though one of these +magnificent houses could be of no use tome with an income of 300_l_. +_per annum_. + +"As to the annuity," continued Christy, "that shall be paid as punctual +as the day: Mr. M'Leod will pay it; and he shall have it all settled +right, and put upon a stamp, by the lawyers, in case any thing should +happen me. Then, as to Ellinor, sure, she is my mother, for I never +can think of her any other way; and, except in that single article of +changing me at nurse, was always the best of mothers to me. And even +that same trick she played me, though very wicked, to be sure, was very +nat'ral--ay, very nat'ral--to _prefar_ her own flesh and blood if she +could: and no one could be more sorry for the wrong she did me than she +is now: there she is crying at home, ready to break her heart: but as I +tell her, there's no use in repenting a thing when once it is done; and +as I forgive her, none can ever bring it up against her: and as to the +house and farm, she shall surely have that, and shall never want for +any thing. So I hope your honour's mind will be asy on that matter; +and whatever else you recollect to wish, _that_ shall be done, if in my +power." + +It is with pleasure that I recollect and record all these instances +of goodness of heart in poor Christy, which, notwithstanding the odd +mixture of absurdity and sense in his language and ideas, will, I make +no doubt, please my readers, though they cannot affect them as much as +they affected me. I now prepared for my departure from Glenthorn Castle, +never more to return. To spare me from unnecessary mortification, +Christy had the wonderful self-command to keep the secret faithfully, so +that none of the people in the neighbourhood, nor even my servants, +had the slightest idea of the truth. Having long talked of returning +to England, the preparations for my journey excited no surprise. Every +thing went on as usual, except that Christy, instead of being at the +forge, was almost every day at the whiskey-shop. + +I thought it proper to speak openly of my affairs to Mr. M'Leod: he was +the only person who could make out a correct list of my debts. Besides, +I wished to recommend him as agent to the future earl, to whom an honest +and able agent would be peculiarly necessary, ignorant, as he was, both +of the world and of business; and surrounded, as he must probably be, +on his accession to his estate, by a herd of vulgar and designing +flatterers. + +Albeit not easily moved to surprise, Mr. M'Leod really did, for an +instant, look astonished, when I informed him that Christy O'Donoghoe +was Earl of Glenthorn. But I must resolve not to stop to describe the +astonishment that each individual showed upon this occasion, else I +shall never have finished my story. + +It was settled that Mr. M'Leod should continue agent; and, for his +credit, I must observe that, after he was made acquainted with my loss +of rank and fortune, he treated me with infinitely more respect and +regard than he had ever shown me whilst he considered me only as his +employer. Our accounts were soon settled; and when this was done, and +they were all regularly signed, Mr. M'Leod came up to me, and, in a low +voice of great emotion, said, "I am not a man of professions; but when +I say I am a man's friend, I hope I shall ever be found to be so, as far +as can be in my power: and I cannot but esteem and admire the man who +has acted so nobly as you have done." + +M'Leod wrung my hand as he spoke, and the tears stood in his eyes. I +knew that the feeling must indeed be strong, which could extort from him +even these few words of praise, and this simple profession of regard; +but I did not know, till long afterwards, the full warmth of +his affections and energy of his friendship. The very next day, +unfortunately for me, he was obliged to go to Scotland, to his mother, +who was dying: and at this time I saw no more of him. + +In due legal form I now made a surrender of all claim upon the +hereditary property of the Earl of Glenthorn, and every thing was in +readiness for my journey. During this time poor Ellinor never appeared +at the castle. I went to see her, to comfort her about my going away; +but she was silent, and seemingly sullen, and would not be comforted. + +"I've enough to grieve me," said she: "I know what will be the end of +all; I see it as plain as if you'd told me. There's no hiding nothing +from a mother: no, there's no use in striving to comfort me." Every +method which I tried to console her seemed to grieve her more. + +The day before that which was fixed for my departure, I sent to desire +to see her. This request I had repeatedly made; but she had, from day to +day, excused herself, saying that she was unwell, and that she would +be up on the morrow. At last she came; and though but a few days had +elapsed since I had seen her, she was so changed in her appearance, that +I was shocked the moment I beheld her countenance. + +"You don't look well, Ellinor," said I: "sit down." + +"No matter whether I sit or stand," said she, calmly; "I'm not long for +this world: I won't live long after you are gone, that's one comfort." + +Her eyes were fixed and tearless; and there was a dead unnatural +tranquillity in her manner. + +"They are making a wonderful great noise nailing up the boxes, and I +seen them cording the trunks as I came through the hall. I asked them, +could I be of any use: but they said I could be of none, and that's +true; for, when I put my hand to the cord, to pull it, I had no +more strength than an infant. It was seven-and-twenty years last +Midsummer-day since I first had you an infant in my arms. I was strong +enough then, and you--was a sweet babby. Had I seen that time all that +would come to pass this day! But that's over now. I have done a wicked +thing; but I'll send for Father Murphy, and get absolution before I +die." + +She sighed deeply, then went on speaking more quickly. + +"But I can do nothing until you go. What time will you go in the +morning, dear? It's better go early. Is it in the coach you'll go? I +see it in the yard. But I thought you must leave the coach, with all +the rest, to the rightful heir. But my head's not clear about it all, I +believe--and no matter." + +Her ideas rambled from one subject to another in an unconnected manner. +I endeavoured in vain to recall her understanding by speaking of her own +immediate interests; of the house that was secured to her for life; and +of the promise that had been made me, that she should never _want for +any thing_, and that she should be treated with all possible kindness. +She seemed to listen to me; but showed that she did not comprehend what +I said, by her answers; and, at every pause I made, she repeated the +same question-- + +"What time will you go in the morning, dear?" + +At last I touched her feelings, and she recovered her intellect, when I +suddenly asked, if she would accompany me to England the next morning. + +"Ay, that I will," cried she, "go with you through the wide world." + +She burst into tears, and wept bitterly for some time. + +"Ah! now I feel right again," said she; "this is what I wanted; but +could not cry this many a day--never since the word came to me that you +was going, and all was lost." + +I assured her that I now expected to be happier than I had ever been. + +"Oh!" cried she: "and have you never been happy all this time? What a +folly it was for me, then, to do so wicked a thing! and all my comfort +was, the thinking you was happy, dear. And what will become of you now? +And is it on foot you'll go?" + +Her thoughts rambled again. + +"Whatever way I go, you shall go with me," said I. "You are my mother; +and now that your son has done what he knows to be honest and just, he +will prosper in the world, and will be truly happy; and so may you be +happy, now that you have nothing more to conceal." + +She shook her head. + +"It's too late," said she, "quite too late. I often told Christy I would +die before you left this place, dear; and so I will, you will see. God +bless you! God bless you! and pray to him to forgive me! None that could +know what I've gone through would ever do the like; no, not for their +own child, was he even such as you, and that would be hard to find. God +bless you, dear; I shall never see you more! The hand of death is upon +me--God for ever bless you, dear!" + +She died that night; and I lost in her the only human being who had ever +shown me warm, disinterested affection. Her death delayed for a few +days my departure from Glenthorn Castle. I stayed to see her laid in the +grave. Her funeral was followed by crowds of people: by many, from the +general habit of attending funerals; by many, who wished to pay their +court to me, in showing respect to the memory of my nurse. + +When the prayers over the dead were ended, and the grave closed, just as +the crowd were about to disperse, I stood up on a monument belonging to +the Glenthorn family; and the moment it was observed that I wished to +address the multitude, the moving waves were stilled, and there was a +dead silence. Every eye was fixed upon me with eager expectation. It was +the first time in my life that I had ever spoken before numbers; but as +I was certain that I had something to say, and quite indifferent about +the manner, words came without difficulty. Amazement appeared in every +face when I declared myself to be the son of the poor woman whom we had +just interred. And when I pointed to the real Earl of Glenthorn, and +when I declared that I relinquished to him his hereditary title +and lawful property, my auditors looked alternately at me and at my +foster-brother, seeming to think it impossible that a man, with face and +hands so black as Christy's usually were known to be, could become an +earl. + +When I concluded my narrative, and paused, the silence still continued; +all seemed held in mute astonishment. + +"And now, my good friends," continued I, "let me bid you farewell; +probably you will never see or hear of me more; but, whether he be rich +or poor, or high or low-born, every honest man must wish to leave behind +him a fair character. Therefore, when I am gone, and, as it were, dead +to you, speak of me, not as of an impostor, who long assumed a name and +enjoyed a fortune that was not his own; but remember that I was bred to +believe myself heir to a great estate, and that, after having lived till +the age of seven-and-twenty, in every kind of luxury, I voluntarily gave +up the fortune I enjoyed, the moment I discovered that it was not justly +mine." + +"_That_ you did, indeed," interrupted Christy; "and of that I am ready +to bear witness for you in this world and in the next. God bless and +prosper you wherever you go! and sure enough he will, for he cannot do +other than prosper one that deserves it so well. I never should +have known a sentence of the secret," continued he, addressing his +neighbours, "if it had not been for _his_ generosity to tell it me; and +even had I found it out by any _maracle_, where would have been the gain +of that to me? for you know he could, had he been so inclined, have kept +me out of all by the law--ay, baffled me on till my heart was sick, and +till my little substance was wasted, and my bones rotten in the ground; +but, God's blessing be upon him! he's an honest man, and _done_ +that which many a lord in his place would not have done; but a good +conscience is a kingdom in itself, and _that_ he cannot but have, +wherever he goes--and all which grieves me is that he is going away from +us. If he'd be prevailed with by me, he'd stay where he is, and we'd +share and share alike; but he's too proud for that--and no wonder--he +has a right to be proud; for no matter who was his mother, he'll live +and die a gentleman, every inch of him. Any man, you see, may be made +a lord; but a gentleman, a man must make himself. And yourselves can +witness, has not he reigned over us like a gentleman, and a _raal_ +gentleman; and shown mercy to the poor, and done justice to all, as well +as to me? and did not he take me by the hand when I was persecuted, and +none else in the wide world to _befrind_ me; and did not he stand up for +me against the tyrants that had the sway then; ay, and did not he +put himself to trouble, day and night, go riding here and there, and +_spaking_ and writing for me? Well, as they say, he loves his ease, and +that's the worse can be said of him; he took all this pains for a poor +man, and had like to have lost his life by it. And now, wherever he is +and whatever, can I help loving and praying for him? or could you? And +since you will go," added he, turning to me with tears in his eyes, +"take with you the blessings of the poor, which, they say, carry a man +straight to heaven, if any thing can." + +The surrounding crowd joined with one voice in applauding this speech: +"It is he that has said what we all think," cried they, following me +with acclamations to the castle. When they saw the chaise at the door +which was to carry me away, their acclamations suddenly ceased--"But is +he going?--But can't he stay?--And is he going this minute? troth it's a +pity, and a great pity!" + +Again and again these honest people insisted upon taking leave of me, +and I could not force myself away without difficulty. They walked +on beside my carriage, Christy at their head; and in this species +of triumph, melancholy indeed, but grateful to my heart, I quitted +Glenthorn Castle, passed through that park which was no longer mine, +and at the verge of the county shook hands for the last time with these +affectionate and generous people. I then bid my postilion drive on fast; +and I never looked back, never once cast a lingering look at all I left +behind. I felt proud of having executed my purpose, and conscious I had +not the insignificant, inefficient character that had formerly disgraced +me. As to the future, I had not distinctly arranged my plans, nor was +my mind during the remainder of the day sufficiently tranquil for +reflection. I felt like one in a dream, and could scarcely persuade +myself of the reality of the events, that had succeeded each other with +such astonishing rapidity. At night I stopped at an inn where I was +not known; and having no attendants or equipage to command respect from +hostlers, waiters, and inn-keepers, I was made immediately sensible +of the reality, at least of the change in my fortune; but I was +not mortified--I felt only as if I were travelling incognito. And I +contrived to go to bed without a valet-de-chambre, and slept soundly, +for I had earned a sound sleep by exertion both of body and mind. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + +In the morning I awoke with a confused notion that something +extraordinary had happened; but it was a good while before I recollected +myself sufficiently to be perfectly sensible of the absolute and +irrevocable change in my circumstances. An inn may not appear the best +possible place for meditation, especially if the moralizer's bedchamber +be next the yard where carriages roll, and hostlers swear perpetually; +yet so situated, I, this morning as I lay awake in my bed, thought so +abstractedly and attentively, that I heard neither wheels nor +hostlers. I reviewed the whole of my past life; I regretted bitterly my +extravagance, my dissipation, my waste of time; I considered how small a +share of enjoyment my wealth had procured, either for myself or others; +how little advantage I had derived from my education, and from all +my opportunities of acquiring knowledge. It had been in my power +to associate with persons of the highest talents, and of the best +information, in the British dominions; yet I had devoted my youth to +loungers, and gamesters, and epicures, and knew that scarcely a trace +of my existence remained in the minds of those selfish beings, who once +called themselves my friends. I wished that I could live my life over +again; and I felt that, were it in my power, I should live in a manner +very different from that in which I had fooled away existence. In the +midst of my self-reproaches, however, I had some consolation in the +idea that I had never been guilty of any base or dishonourable action. +I recollected, with satisfaction, my behaviour to Lady Glenthorn, when +I discovered her misconduct; I recollected that I had always shown +gratitude to poor Ellinor for her kindness; I recollected with pleasure, +that when trusted with power I had not used it tyrannically. My +exertions in favour of my foster-brother, when he was oppressed, I +remembered with much satisfaction; and the steadiness with which +I behaved, when a conspiracy was formed against my life, gave me +confidence in my own courage; and, after having sacrificed my vast +possessions to a sense of justice, no mortal could doubt my integrity: +so that upon the whole, notwithstanding my past follies, I had a +tolerably good opinion of myself, or rather good hopes for the future. +I was certain, that there was more in me than the world had seen; and I +was ambitious of proving that I had some personal merit, independently +of the adventitious circumstances of rank and fortune. But how was I to +distinguish myself? + +Just as I came to this difficult question, the chambermaid interrupted +my reverie, by warning me in a shrill voice, that it was very late, and +that she had called me above two hours before. + +"Where's my man! send up my man. Oh! I beg your pardon--nothing at all: +only, my good girl, I should be obliged to you if you could let me have +a little warm water, that I may shave myself." + +It was new and rather strange to me to be without attendants; but I +found that, when I was forced to it, I could do things admirably +well for myself, that I had never suspected I could perform without +assistance. After I had travelled two days without servants, how I +had travelled with them was the wonder. I once caught myself saying of +myself, "that careless blockhead has forgotten my nightcap." For some +time I was liable to make odd blunders about my own identity; I was apt +to mistake between my old and my new habits, so that when I spoke in the +tone and imperative mood in which Lord Glenthorn had been accustomed +to speak, people stared at me as if I were mad, and I in my turn was +frequently astonished by their astonishment, and perplexed by their ease +of behaviour in my presence. + +Upon my arrival in Dublin, I went to a small lodging which Mr. M'Leod +had recommended to me; it was such as suited my reduced finances; but, +at first view, it was not much to my taste; however, I ate with a good +appetite my very frugal supper, upon a little table, covered with a +little table-cloth, on which I could not wipe my mouth without +stooping low. The mistress of the house, a North-country woman, was +so condescending as to blow my fire, remarking, at the same time, that +coals were _a very scarce article_; she begged to know whether I would +choose a fire in my bed-room, and what quantity of coals she should lay +in; she added many questions about boarding, and small-beer, and tea, +and sugar, and butter, and blankets, and sheets, and washerwomen, which +almost overwhelmed my spirits. + +"And must I think of all these things for myself?" said I, in a +lamentable tone, and I suppose with a most deplorable length of face, +for the woman could not refrain from laughing: as she left the room, I +heard her exclaim, "Lord help him, he looks as much astray as if he was +just new from the Isle of Skye." + +The cares of life were coming fast upon me, and I was terrified by the +idea of a host of petty evils; I sat ruminating, with my feet upon the +bars of the grate, till past midnight, when my landlady, who seemed +to think it incumbent upon her to supply me with common sense, came to +inform me that there was a good fire burning to waste in the bed-room, +and that I should find myself a great deal better there than sitting +over the cinders. I suffered myself to be removed to the bedchamber, and +again established my feet upon the upper bar of the grate. + +"Lack! sir, you'll burn your boots," said my careful landlady; who, +after bidding me good night, put her head back into the room, to beg I +would be sure to rake the fire, and throw up the ashes safe, before I +went to bed. Left to my own meditations, I confess I did feel rather +forlorn. I reflected upon my helplessness in all the common business +of life; and the more I considered that I was totally unfit for any +employment or profession, by which I could either earn money, or +distinguish myself, the deeper became my despondency. I passed a +sleepless night, vainly regretting the time that never could be +recalled. + +In the morning, my landlady gave me some letters, which had been +forwarded for me from Glenthorn Castle; the direction to the Earl of +Glenthorn scratched out, and in its place inserted my new address, "_C. +O'Donoghoe, Esq., No. 6, Duke-street, Dublin_." I remember, I held the +letters in my hand, contemplating the direction for some minutes, and +at length reading it aloud repeatedly, to my landlady's infinite +amusement:--she knew nothing of my history, and seemed in doubt whether +to think me extremely silly or mad. One of my letters was from Lord +Y----, an Irish nobleman, with whom I was not personally acquainted, but +for whose amiable character and literary reputation I had always, even +during my days of dissipation, peculiar respect. He wrote to me to +make inquiries respecting the character of a Mr. Lyddell, who had just +proposed himself as tutor to the son of one of his friends. Mr. Lyddell +had formerly been my favourite tutor, the man who had encouraged me in +every species of ignorance and idleness. In my present state of mind I +was not disposed to speak favourably of this gentleman, and I resolved +that I would not be instrumental in placing another young nobleman under +his guidance. I wrote an explicit, indignant, and I will say eloquent +letter upon this occasion; but, when I came to the signature, I felt a +repugnance to signing myself, C. O'Donoghoe; and I recollected, that as +my history could not yet be public, Lord Y---- would be puzzled by +this strange name, and would be unable to comprehend this answer to his +letter. I therefore determined to wait upon his lordship, and to make my +explanations in person: besides my other reasons for determining on +this visit, I had a strong desire to become personally acquainted with +a nobleman of whom I had heard so much. His lordship's porter was not +quite so insolent as some of his brethren; and though I did not come +in a showy equipage, and though I had no laced footmen to enforce my +rights, I gained admission. I passed through a gallery of fine statues, +to a magnificent library, which I admired till the master of the house +appeared, and from that moment he commanded, or rather captivated, my +attention. + +Lord Y---- was at this time an elderly gentleman. In his address, there +was a becoming mixture of ease and dignity; he was not what the French +call _maniéré_; his politeness was not of any particular school, but +founded on those general principles of good taste, good sense, and +good-nature, which must succeed in all times, places, and seasons. His +desire to please evidently arose not from vanity but benevolence. In +his conversation, there was neither the pedantry of a recluse, nor +the coxcombry of a man of the world: his knowledge was select; his wit +without effort, the play of a cultivated imagination: the happiness of +his expressions did not seem the result of care; and his allusions were +at once so apposite and elegant, as to charm both the learned and the +unlearned: all he said was sufficiently clear and just to strike +every person of plain sense and natural feeling, while to the man of +literature it had often a further power to please, by its less obvious +meaning. Lord Y----'s superiority never depressed those with whom he +conversed; on the contrary, they felt themselves raised by the magic of +politeness to his level; instead of being compelled to pay tribute, they +seemed invited to share his intellectual dominion, and to enjoy with him +the delightful pre-eminence of genius and virtue. + +I shall be forgiven for pausing in my own insignificant story, to dwell +on the noble character of a departed friend. That he permitted me to +call him my friend, I think the greatest honour of my life. But let me, +if I can, go on regularly with my narrative. + +Lord Y---- took it for granted, during our first half-hour's +conversation, that he was speaking to the Earl of Glenthorn: he thanked +me with much warmth for putting him on his guard against the character +of Mr. Lyddell: and his lordship was also pleased to thank me for making +him acquainted, as he said, with my own character; for convincing him +how ill it had been appreciated by those who imagined that wealth and +title were the only distinctions which the Earl of Glenthorn might +claim. This compliment went nearer to my heart than Lord Y---- could +guess. + +"My character," said I, "since your lordship encourages me to speak of +myself with freedom, my character has, I hope, been much changed and +improved by circumstances; and perhaps those which might at present +be deemed the most unfortunate, may ultimately prove of the greatest +advantage, by urging me to exertion.--Your lordship is not aware of what +I allude to; a late event in my singular history," continued I, taking +up the newspapers which lay on his library table--"my singular history +has not yet, I fancy, got into the public newspapers. Perhaps you will +hear it most favourably from myself." + +Lord Y---- was politely, benevolently attentive, whilst I related to him +the sudden and singular change in my fortune: when I gave an account +of the manner in which I had conducted myself after the discovery of my +birth, tears of generous feeling filled his eyes; he laid his hand upon +mine when I paused-- + +"Whatever you have lost," said he, "you have gained a friend. Do not be +surprised," continued he, "by this sudden declaration. Before I saw +you this morning, your real character was better known to me than you +imagine. I learnt it from a particular friend of mine, of whose judgment +and abilities I have the highest opinion, Mr. Cecil Devereux; I saw +him just after his marriage; and the very evening before they sailed, +I remember, when Lady Geraldine and he were talking of the regret they +felt in leaving Ireland, among the friends whom they lamented that +they should not see again, perhaps for years, you were mentioned +with peculiar esteem and affection. They called you their generous +benefactor, and fully explained to me the claim you had to this title--a +title which never can be lost. But Mr. Devereux was anxious to convince +me that he was not influenced by the partiality of gratitude in his +opinion of his benefactor's talents. He repeated an assertion, that was +supported with much energy by the charming Lady Geraldine, that Lord +Glenthorn had _abilities to be any thing Tie pleased_; and the high +terms in which they spoke of his talents, and the strong proofs they +adduced of the generosity of his character, excited in my mind a +warm desire to cultivate his acquaintance; a desire which has been +considerably increased within this last hour. May I hope that the Irish +rapidity with which I have passed from acquaintance to friendship may +not shock English habits of reserve; and may not induce you to doubt +the sincerity of the man, who has ventured with so little hesitation or +ceremony to declare himself your friend?" + +I was so much moved by this unexpected kindness, that, though I felt how +much more was requisite, I could answer only with a bow; and I was glad +to make my retreat as soon as possible. The very next day, his lordship +returned my visit, to my landlady's irrecoverable astonishment; and I +had increasing reason to regard him with admiration and affection. He +convinced me, that I had interested him in my concerns, and told me, I +must forgive him if he spoke to me with the freedom of a friend: thus I +was encouraged to consult him respecting my future plans. Plans, +indeed, I had none regularly formed; but Lord Y----, by his judicious +suggestions, settled and directed my ideas without overpowering me +by the formality of advice. My ambition was excited to deserve his +friendship, and to accomplish his predictions. The profession of the law +was that to which he advised me to turn my thoughts: he predicted, that, +if for five years I would persevere in application to the necessary +preparatory studies, I should afterwards distinguish myself at the +bar, more than I had ever been distinguished by the title of Earl of +Glenthorn. Five years of hard labour! the idea alarmed, but did not +utterly appal my imagination; and to prevent my dwelling upon it too +long at the first, Lord Y---- suddenly changed the conversation; and, +in a playful tone, said, "Before you immerse yourself in your studies, I +must, however, claim some of your time. You must permit me to carry you +home with me to-day, to introduce you to two ladies of my acquaintance: +the one prudent and old--if a lady can ever be old; the other, young, +and beautiful, and graceful, and witty, and wise, and reasonable. One +of these ladies is much prepossessed in your favour, the other strongly +prejudiced against you--for the best of all possible reasons, because +she does not know you." + +I accepted Lord Y----'s invitation; not a little curious to know whether +it was the old and prudent, or the young, beautiful, graceful, witty, +wise, and reasonable lady, who was much prepossessed in my favour. +Notwithstanding my usual indifference to the whole race of _very +agreeable young ladies_, I remember trying to form a picture in my +imagination of this all-accomplished female. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + +Upon my arrival at Y---- house, I found two ladies in the drawing-room, +in earnest conversation with Lady Y----. In their external appearance +they were nearly what my friend had described; except that the beauty of +the youngest infinitely surpassed my expectations. The elegance of her +form, and the charming expression of her countenance, struck me with +a sort of delightful surprise, that was quickly succeeded by a most +painful sensation. + +"Lady Y----, give me leave to introduce to you Mr. O'Donoghoe." + +Shocked by the sound of my own name, I was ready to recoil abashed. +The elderly lady turned her eyes upon me for an instant, with that +indifference with which we look at an uninteresting stranger. The young +lady seemed to pity my confusion; for though so well and so long used +to varieties of the highest company, when placed in a situation that +was new to me, I was unaccountably disconcerted. Ah! thought I, how +differently should I be received were I still Earl of Glenthorn! + +I was rather angry with Lord Y----, for not introducing me, as he had +promised, to this fair lady; and yet the repetition of my name would +have increased my vexation. In short, I was unjust, and felt +an impatience and irritability quite unusual to my temper. Lady +Y----addressed some conversation to me, in an obliging manner, and I did +my best to support my part till she left me: but my attention was soon +distracted, by a conversation that commenced at another part of the +room, between her and the elderly lady. + +"My dear Lady Y----, have you heard the extraordinary news? the most +incredible thing that ever was heard! For my part, I cannot believe +it yet, though we have the intelligence from the best authority. Lord +Glenthorn, that is to say, the person we always called Lord Glenthorn, +turns out to be the son of the Lord knows who--they don't mention the +name." + +At this speech I was ready to sink into the earth. Lord Y---- took my +arm, and led me into another room. "I have some cameos," said he, "which +are thought curious; would you like to look at them?" + +"Can you conceive it?" continued the elderly lady, whose voice I still +heard, as the folding-doors of the room were open: "Changed at nurse! +One hears of such things in novels, but, in real life, I absolutely +cannot believe it. Yet here, in this letter from Lady Ormsby, are all +the particulars: and a blacksmith is found to be Earl of Glenthorn, and +takes possession of Glenthorn castle, and all the estates. And the man +is married, to some vulgarian of course: and he has a son, and may have +half a hundred, you know; so there is an end of our hopes; and there is +an end too of all my fine schemes for Cecilia." + +I felt myself change colour again. "I believe," said I to Lord Y----, "I +ought not to hear this. If your lordship will give me leave, I will shut +the door." + +"No, no," said he, smiling, and stopping me; "you ought to hear it, for +it will do you a great deal of good. You know I have undertaken to be +your guide, philosopher, and friend; so you must let me have my own way: +and if it should so happen, hear yourself abused patiently.--Is not this +a fine bust of Socrates?" + +Some part of the conversation in the next room I missed, whilst his +lordship spoke. The next words I heard were-- + +"But my dear Lady Y----, look at Cecilia.--Would not any other girl be +cast down and miserable in Cecilia's place? yet see, see how provokingly +happy and well she looks." + +"Yes," replied Lady Y----, "I never saw her appear better: but we are +not to judge of her by what any other young lady would be in her place, +for I know of none at all comparable to Miss Delamere." + +"Miss Delamere!" said I to Lord Y----. "Is this the Miss Delamere who is +heiress at law to----" + +"The Glenthorn estate. Yes--do not let the head of Socrates fall from +your hands," said his lordship, smiling. + +I again lost something that was said in the next room; but I heard the +old lady going on with-- + +"I only say, my dear, that if the man had been really what he was said +to be, you could not have done better." + +"Dearest mother, you cannot be serious," replied the sweetest voice I +ever heard. "I am sure that you never were in earnest upon this subject: +you could not wish me to be united to such a man as Lord Glenthorn was +said to be." + +"Why? what was he said to be, my dear?--a little dissipated, a little +extravagant only: and if he had a fortune to support it, child, +what matter?" pursued the mother: "all young men are extravagant +now-a-days--you must take the world as it goes." + +"The lady who married Lord Glenthorn, I suppose, acted upon that +principle; and you see what was the consequence." + +"Oh, my dear, as to her ladyship, it ran in the blood: let her have +married whom she would, she would have done the same: and I am told +Lord Glenthorn made an incomparably good husband. A cousin of Lady +Glenthorn's assured me that she was present one day, when her ladyship +expressed a wish for a gold chain to wear round her neck, or braid her +hair, I forget for what; but that very hour Lord Glenthorn bespoke for +her a hundred yards of gold chain, at ten guineas a yard. Another time +she longed for an Indian shawl, and his lordship presented her next day +with three dozen real India shawls. There's a husband for you, Cecilia!" + +"Not for me, mamma," said Cecilia, laughing. + +"Ah, you are a strange romantic girl, and never will be married after +all, I fear." + +"Never to a fool, I hope," said Cecilia. + +"Miss Delamere will, however, allow," said Lady Y----, "that a man +may have his follies, without being a fool, or wholly unworthy of her +esteem; otherwise, what a large portion of mankind she would deprive of +hope!" + +"As to Lord Glenthorn, he was no fool, I promise you," continued the +mother: "has not he been living prudently enough these three years? We +have not heard of late of any of his _extraordinary landaus_." + +"But I have been told," said Cecilia, "that he is quite uninformed, +without any taste for literature, and absolutely incapable of +exertion--a victim to ennui. How miserable a woman must be with such a +husband!" + +"But," said Lady Y----, "what could be expected from a young nobleman +bred up as Lord Glenthorn was?" + +"Nothing," said Cecilia; "and that is the very reason I never wished to +see him." + +"Perhaps Miss Delamere's opinion might be changed if she had known him," +said Lady Y----, + +"Ay, for he is a very handsome man, I have heard," said the mother. +"Lady Jocunda Lawler told me so, in one of her letters; and Lady Jocunda +was very near being married to him herself, I can tell you, for he +admired her prodigiously." + +"A certain proof that he never would have admired me," said Cecilia; +"for two women, so opposite in every respect, no man could have loved." + +"Lord bless you, child! how little you know of the matter! After all, +I dare say, if you had been acquainted with him, you might have been in +love yourself with Lord Glenthorn." + +"Possibly," said Cecilia, "if I had found him the reverse of what he is +reported to be." + +Company came in at this instant. Lord Y---- was called to receive them, +and I followed; glad, at this instant, that I was not Lord Glenthorn. +At dinner the conversation turned upon general subjects; and Lord Y----, +with polite and friendly attention, _drew me out_, without seeming to do +so, in the kindest manner possible. + +I had the pleasure to perceive that Cecilia Delamere did not find me a +fool. I never, even in the presence of Lady Geraldine, exerted myself so +much to avoid this disgrace. + +After all the company, except Mrs. and Miss Delamere, were gone, Lord +Y---- called me aside. + +"Will you pardon," said he, "the means I have taken to convince you how +much superior you are to the opinion that has been commonly formed of +Lord Glenthorn? Will you forgive me for convincing you that when a man +has sufficient strength of mind to rely upon himself, and sufficient +energy to exert his abilities, he becomes independent of common report +and vulgar opinion? He secures the suffrages of the best judges; and +they, in time, lead all the rest of the world. Will you permit me now +to introduce you to your prudent friend and your fair enemy? Mrs. +Delamere--Miss Delamere--give me leave to introduce to you the late Earl +of Glenthorn." + +Of the astonishment in the opening eyes of Mrs. Delamere I have +some faint recollection. I can never forget the crimson blush that +instantaneously spread over the celestial countenance of Cecilia. She +was perfectly silent; but her mother went on talking with increased +rapidity. + +"Good Heavens! the late Lord Glenthorn! Why, I was talking--but he was +not in the room." The ladies exchanged looks, which seemed to say, "I +hope he did not hear all we said of him." + +"My dear Lord Y----, why did not you tell us this before? Suppose we +had spoken of his lordship, you would have been answerable for all the +consequences." + +"Certainly," said Lord Y----. + +"But, seriously," said the old lady, "have I the pleasure to speak to +Lord Glenthorn, or have I not? I believe I began, unluckily, to talk of +a strange story I had heard; but perhaps all this is a mistake, and my +country correspondent may have been amusing herself at the expense of +my credulity. I assure you I was not imposed upon; I never believed half +the story." + +"You may believe the whole of it, madam," said I; "the story is +perfectly true." + +"Oh! my good sir, how sorry I am to hear you say it is all true! And the +blacksmith is really Earl of Glenthorn, and has taken possession of the +castle, and is married, and has a son! Lord bless me, how unfortunate! +Well, I can only say, sir, I wish, with all my heart, you were Earl of +Glenthorn still." + +After hearing from Lord Y---- the circumstances of what he was pleased +to call my generous conduct, Mrs. Delamere observed, that I had acted +very generously, to be sure, but that few in my place would have thought +themselves bound to give up possession of an estate, which I had so long +been taught to believe was my own. To have and to hold, she observed, +always went together in law; and she could not help thinking I had done +very injudiciously and imprudently not to let the law decide for me. + +I was consoled for Mrs. Delamere's reprehensions by her daughter's +approving countenance. After this visit, Lord Y---- gave me a general +invitation to his house, where I frequently saw Miss Delamere, and +frequently compared her with my recollection of Lady Geraldine ------. +Cecilia Delamere was not so entertaining, but she was more interesting +than Lady Geraldine: the flashes of her ladyship's wit, though always +striking, were sometimes dangerous; Cecilia's wit, though equally +brilliant, shone with a more pleasing and inoffensive light. With as +much generosity as Lady Geraldine could show in great affairs, she had +more forbearance and delicacy of attention on every-day occasions. Lady +Geraldine had much pride, and it often gave offence; Cecilia, perhaps, +had more pride, but it never appeared, except upon the defensive: +without having less candour, she had less occasion for it than Lady +Geraldine seemed to have; and Cecilia's temper had more softness and +equability. Perhaps Cecilia was not so fascinating, but she was +more attractive. One had the envied art of appearing to advantage in +public--the other, the more desirable power of being happy in private. +I admired Lady Geraldine long before I loved her; I loved Cecilia long +before I admired her. + +Whilst I possibly could, I called what I felt for Miss Delamere only +esteem; but when I found it impossible to conceal from myself that I +loved, I resolved to avoid this charming woman. How happy, thought +I, would the fortune I once possessed now make me! but in my present +circumstances what have I to hope? Surely my friend Lord Y---- has not +shown his usual prudence in exposing me to such a temptation; but it is +to be supposed, he thinks that the impossibility of my obtaining Miss +Delamere will prevent my thinking of her, or perhaps he depends on the +inertness and apathy of my temper. Unfortunately for me, my sensibility +has increased since I have become poor; for many years, when I was rich, +and could have married easily, I never wished to marry, and now that +I have not enough to support a wife, I immediately fall desperately in +love. + +Again and again I pondered upon my circumstances: three hundred a-year +was the amount of all my worldly possessions; and Miss Delamere was not +rich, and she had been bred expensively; for it had never been absent +from her mother's mind, that Cecilia would be heiress to the immense +Glenthorn estate. The present possessor was, however, an excellent +life, and he had a son stout and healthy, so all these hopes of Mrs. +Delamere's were at an end; and as there was little chance, as she said +(laughing), of persuading her daughter to marry Johnny, the young lord +and heir apparent, it was now necessary to turn her views elsewhere, and +to form for Cecilia some suitable alliance. Rank and large fortune were, +in Mrs. Delamere's opinion, indispensable to happiness. Cecilia's +ideas were far more moderate; but, though perfectly disinterested and +generous, she was not so romantic, or so silly, as to think of marrying +any man without the probability of his being able to support her in the +society of her equals: nor, even if I could have thought it possible to +prevail upon Miss Delamere to make an unbecoming and imprudent choice, +would I have taken advantage of the confidence reposed in me by Lord +Y----, to destroy the happiness of a young friend, for whom he evidently +had a great regard. I resolved to see her no more--and for some weeks I +kept my resolution; I refrained from going to Y---- house. I deem this +the most virtuous action of my life; it certainly was the most painful +sacrifice I ever made to a sense of duty. At last, Lord Y---- came to me +one morning, and after reproaching me, in a friendly manner, for having +so long absented myself from his house, declared that he would not be +satisfied with any of those common excuses, which might content a mere +acquaintance; that his sincere anxiety for my welfare gave him a right +to expect from me the frankness of a friend. It was a relief to my mind +to be encouraged in this manner. I confessed with entire openness my +real motive: Lord Y---- heard me without surprise. + +"It is gratifying to me," said his lordship, "to be convinced that I was +not mistaken in my judgment, either of your taste, or your integrity; +permit me to assure you, that I foresaw exactly how you would feel, and +precisely how you would act. There are certain moral omens, which old +experience never fails to interpret rightly, and from which unerring +predictions of the future conduct, and consequently of the future fate +of individuals, may be formed. I hold that we are the artificers of our +own fortune. If there be any whom the gods wish to destroy, these are +first deprived of understanding; whom the gods wish to favour, they +first endow with integrity, inspire with understanding, and animate +with activity. Have I not seen integrity in you, and shall I not +see activity? Yes; that supineness of temper or habit with which you +reproach yourself has arisen, believe me, only from want of motive; but +you have now the most powerful of motives, and in proportion to your +exertions will be your success. In our country, you know, the highest +offices of the state are open to talents and perseverance; a man of +abilities and application cannot fail to secure independence, and obtain +distinction. Time and industry are necessary to prepare you for the +profession, to which you will hereafter be an honour, and you will +courageously submit. + + --'Time and industry, the mighty two, + Which bring our wishes nearer to our view.' + +As to the probability that your present wishes may be crowned with +success, I can judge only from my general knowledge of the views and +disposition of the lady whom you admire. I know that her views with +respect to fortune are moderate; and that her disposition and excellent +understanding will, in the choice of a husband, direct her preference to +the essential good qualities, and not to the accidental advantages, of +the candidates for her favour. As to the mother's influence, that will +necessarily yield to the daughter's superior judgment. Cecilia possesses +over her mother that witchcraft of gentle manners, which in the female +sex is always irresistible, even over violent tempers. Prudential +considerations have a just, though not exclusive, claim to Miss +Delamere's attention. But her relations, I fancy, could find means of +providing against any pecuniary embarrassments, if she should think +proper to unite herself to a man who can be content, as she would be, +with a competence, and who should _have proved himself able, by his own +exertions, to maintain his wife in independence_. On this last condition +I must dwell with emphasis, because it is indispensable; and I am +convinced that without it Miss Delamere's consent, even after she is of +age, and at liberty to judge for herself, could never be obtained. You +perceive, then, how much depends upon your own exertions; and this is +the best hope, and the best motive, that I can give to a strong and +generous mind. Farewell--Persevere and prosper." + +Such was the general purport of what Lord Y---- said to me; indeed, I +believe that I have repeated his very words, for they made a great +and ineffaceable impression upon my mind. From this day I date the +commencement of a new existence. Fired with ambition,--I hope generous +ambition,--to distinguish myself among men, and to win the favour of the +most amiable and the most lovely of women, all the faculties of my soul +were awakened: I became active, permanently active. The enchantment of +indolence was dissolved, and the demon of ennui was cast out for ever. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + +If, among those who maybe tempted to peruse my history, there should be +any mere novel readers, let me advise them to throw the book aside at +the commencement of this chapter; for I have no more wonderful incidents +to relate, no more changes at nurse, no more sudden turns of fortune. +I am now become a plodding man of business, poring over law-books from +morning till night, and leading a most monotonous life: yet occupation, +and hope, and the constant sense of approaching nearer to my object, +rendered this mode of existence, dull as it may seem, infinitely more +agreeable than many of my apparently prosperous days, when I had more +money, and more time, than I knew how to enjoy. I resolutely persevered +in my studies. + +About a month after I came to town, the doors of my lodging were +blockaded by half a dozen cars, loaded with huge packing-cases, on which +I saw, in the hand-writing which I remembered often to have seen in +my blacksmith's bills, a direction to _Christopher O'Donoghoe, +Esquire--this side upwards: to be kept dry._ + +One of the carmen fumbled in what he called his pocket, and at last +produced a very dirty note. + + +"My dear and honourable foster-brother, larning from Mr. M'Leod that you +are thinking of _studdeing_, I send you inclosed by the bearer, who is +to get nothing for the _carrige_, all the bookes from the big booke-room +at the castle, which I hope, being of not as much use as I could wish to +me, your honour will not scorn to accept, with the true veneration of + +"Your ever-loving foster-brother, and grateful humble servant, _to +command_. + +"P.S. No name needful, for you will not be astray about the hand." + + +This good-natured fellow's present was highly valuable and useful to me. + +Among my pleasures at this studious period of my life, when I had few +events to break the uniform tenor of my days, I must mention letters +which I frequently received from Mr. Devereux and Lady Geraldine, who +still continued in India. Mr. Devereux was acquainted with almost all +the men of eminence at the Irish bar; men who are not mere lawyers, but +persons of literature, of agreeable manners, and gentlemanlike habits. +Mr. Desvereux wrote to his friends so warmly in my favour, that, instead +of finding myself a stranger in Dublin, my only difficulty was how to +avoid the numerous invitations which tempted me from my studies. + +Those gentlemen of the bar who were intimate with Mr. Devereux honoured +me with particular attention, and their society was peculiarly useful, +as well as agreeable, to me: they directed my industry to the best and +shortest means of preparing myself for their profession; they put into +my hands the best books; told me all that experience had taught them +of the art of distinguishing, in the mass of law-precedents, the +useful from the useless: instructed me in the methods of indexing +and common-placing; and gave me all those advantages, which solitary +students so often want, and the want of which so often makes the study +of the law appear an endless maze without a plan. When I found myself +surrounded with books, and reading assiduously day and night, I could +scarcely believe in my own identity; I could scarcely imagine that I was +the same person, who, but a few months before this time, lolled upon a +sofa half the day, and found it an intolerable labour to read or think +for half an hour together. Such is the power of motive! During the +whole time I pursued my studies, and kept my terms, in Ireland, the only +relaxation I allowed myself was in the society at Lord Y----'s house in +Dublin, and, during my vacations, in excursions which I made with +his lordship to different parts of the country. Lord Y---- had two +country-seats in the most beautiful parts of Ireland. How differently +the face of nature appeared to me now! with what different sensations I +beheld the same objects! + + "No brighter colours paint th' enamell'd fields, + No sweeter fragrance now the garden yields; + Whence then this strange increase of joy? + Is it to love these new delights I owe?" + +It was not to love that I owed these new delights, for Cecilia was not +there; but my powers of observation were awakened, and the confinement +and labour to which I had lately submitted gave value to the pleasures +of rest and liberty, and to the freshness of country air, and the +beautiful scenes of nature. So true it is, that all our pleasures +must be earned, before they can be enjoyed. When I saw on Lord Y----'s +estates, and on those of several other gentlemen, which he occasionally +took me to visit, the neat cottages, the well-cultivated farms, the air +of comfort, industry, and prosperity, diffused through the lower classes +of the people, I was convinced that much may be done by the judicious +care and assistance of landlords for their tenantry. I saw this with +mixed sensations of pleasure and of pain--of pain, for I reflected how +little I had accomplished, and how ill I had done even that little, +whilst the means of doing good to numbers had been in my power. For the +very trifling services I did to some of my poor tenants, I am sure I +had abundant gratitude; and I was astonished and touched by instances +of this shown to me after I had lost my fortune, and when I scarcely had +myself any remembrance of the people who came to thank me. Trivial as it +is, I cannot forbear to record one of the many instances of gratitude I +met with from a poor Irishman. + +Whilst I was in Dublin, as I was paying a morning visit to Lord Y----, +sitting with him in his library, we heard some disturbance in the inner +court; and looking out of the window, we saw a countryman with a basket +on his arm, struggling with the porter and two footmen. + +"He is here; I know to a certainty he is here, and I _shall_ see him, +say what you plase now!" + +"I tell you my lord is not at home," said the porter. + +"What's the matter?" said Lord Y----, opening the window. + +"See, there's my lord himself at the window: are not you ashamed of +yourself now?" said the footman. + +"And why would I be ashamed that am telling no lies, and hindering no +one?" said the countryman, looking up to us with so sudden a motion that +his hat fell of. I knew his face, but could not recollect his name. + +"Oh! there he is, his own honour; I've found him, and _axe_ pardon for +my boldness; but it's because I've been all day yesterday, and this day, +running through Dublin after _yees_; and when certified by the lady +of the lodgings you was in it here, I could not lave town without my +errand, which is no more than a cheese from my wife of her own making, +to be given to your honour's own hands, and she would not see me if I +did not do it." + +"Let him come up," said Lord Y----. "This," continued his lordship, +turning to me, "reminds me of Henry the Fourth, and the Gascon peasant +with his _fromages de boeuf_." + +"But our countryman brings his offering to an abdicated monarch," said +I. + +The poor fellow presented his wife's cheese to me with as good a grace +as any courtier could have made his offering. Unembarrassed, his manners +and his words gave the natural and easy expression of a grateful heart. +He assured me that he and his wife were the happiest couple in all +Ireland; and he hoped I would one day be as happy myself in a wife as +I _desarved_, who had made others so; and there were many on the estate +remembered as well as he did the good I did to the poor during _my +reign_. + +Then stepping up closer to me, he said, in a lower voice, "I'm Jimmy +Riley, that married _ould_ Noonan's daughter; and now that it is all +over I may tell you a bit of a _secret_, which made me so eager to +get to the speech of your honour, that I might tell it to your own ear +alone--no offence to this gentleman, before whom I'd as soon say it as +yourself, _becaase_ I see he is all as one as another yourself. Then +the thing is--does your honour remember the boy with the cord round his +body, looking for the birds' eggs in the rock, and the 'nonymous bit of +a letter that you got? 'Twas I wrote it, and the _gossoon_ that threw +it to your honour was a cousin of my own that I sent, that nobody, nor +yourself even, might not know him: and the way I got the information +I never can tell till I die, and then only to the priest, _becaase_ I +swore I would not never. But don't go for to think it was by being +a _rubble_ any way; no man can, I thank my God, charge me with +indifferency. So rejoiced to see you the same, I wish you a good morrow, +and long life, and a happy death--when it comes." + +About this time I frequently used to receive presents to a considerable +amount, and of things which were most useful to me, but always without +any indication by which I could discover to whom I was indebted for +them: at last, by means of my Scotch landlady, I traced them to Mr. +M'Leod. His kindness was so earnest and peremptory, that it would admit +neither thanks nor refusals; and I submitted to be obliged to a man for +whom I felt such high esteem. I looked upon it as not the least of his +proofs of regard, that he gave me what I knew he valued more than any +thing else--his time. Whenever he came to Dublin, though he was always +hurried by business, so that he had scarcely leisure to eat or sleep, +he used constantly to come to see me in my obscure lodgings; and when +in the country, though he hated all letter-writing, except letters of +business, yet he regularly informed me of every thing that could be +interesting to me. Glenthorn Castle he described as a scene of +riotous living, and of the most wasteful vulgar extravagance. My poor +foster-brother, the best-natured and most generous fellow in the world, +had not sufficient prudence or strength of mind to conduct his +own family; his wife filled the castle with tribes of her vagabond +relations; she chose to be descended from one of the kings of Ireland; +and whoever would acknowledge her high descent, and whoever would claim +relationship with her, were sure to have their claims allowed, and were +welcome to live in all the barbaric magnificence of Glenthorn Castle. +Every instance that she could hear of the former Lady Glenthorn's +extravagance or of mine--and, alas! there were many upon record, she +determined to exceed. Her diamonds, and her pearls, and her finery, +surpassed every thing but the extravagance of some of the Russian +favourites of fortune. Decked out in the most absurd manner, this +descendant of kings, as Mr. M'Leod assured me, often indulged in the +pleasures of the banquet, till, no longer able to support the regal +diadem, she was carried by some of the meanest of her subjects to her +bed. The thefts committed during these interregnums were amazing in +their amount, and the jewels of the crown were to be replaced as fast +as they were stolen. Poor Christy all this time was considered as a +mean-spirited _cratur_, who had no notion of living like a prince; and +whilst his wife and her relations were revelling in this unheard-of +manner, he was scarcely considered as the master of the house: he lived +by the fireside disregarded in winter, and in summer he spent his time +chiefly in walking up and down his garden, and picking fruit. He once +made an attempt to amuse himself by mending the lock of his own room +door; but he was detected in the fact, and exposed to such loud ridicule +by his lady's favourites, that he desisted, and sighing said to Mr. +M'Leod--"And isn't it now a great hardship upon a man like me to have +nothing to do, or not to be let do any thing? If it had not been for my +son Johnny's sake, I never would have quit the forge; and now all will +be spent in _coshering_, and Johnny, at the last, will never be a penny +the better, but the worse for my consinting to be lorded; and what +grieves me more than all the rest, _she_ is such _a negre_,[85] that I +haven't a guinea I can call my own to send, as I'd always laid out to +do at odd times, such little tokens of my love and duty, as would be +becoming to my dear foster-brother there in Dublin. And now, you tell +me, he is going away too, beyond sea to England, to finish making +a lawyer of himself in London; and what friends will he find there, +without money in his pocket? and I had been thinking this while past, +ever since you gave me notice of his being to quit Ireland, that I would +go up to Dublin myself to see him, and wish him a good journey kindly +before he would go; and I had a little _compliment_ here, in a private +drawer, that I had collected _unknownst_ to my wife; but here last +night she _lit_ upon it, and now that her hand has closed upon it, not a +guinea of it shall I ever see more, nor a farthing the better of it +will my dear foster-brother ever be, for it or for me; and this is what +grieves me more than all, and goes to the quick of my heart." + +When Mr. M'Leod repeated to me these lamentations of poor Christy, I +immediately wrote to set his heart at ease, as much as I could, by the +assurance that I was in no distress for money; and that my three hundred +a year would support me in perfect comfort and independence, while "I +was making a lawyer of myself in London." I farther assured my good +foster-brother, that I was so well convinced of his affectionate and +generous disposition towards me, that it would be quite unnecessary ever +to send me tokens of his regard. I added a few words of advice about +his wife and his affairs, which, like most words of advice, were, as I +afterwards found, absolutely thrown away. + +Though I had taken care to live with so much economy, that I was not +in any danger of being in pecuniary embarrassments, yet I felt much +distress of another kind in leaving Ireland. I left Miss Delamere +surrounded with admirers; her mother using her utmost art and parental +influence to induce Cecilia to decide in favour of one of these +gentlemen, who was a person of rank and of considerable fortune. I had +seen all this going on, and was bound in honour the whole time to +remain passive, not to express my own ardent feelings, not to make the +slightest attempt to win the affections of the woman who was the object +of all my labours, of all my exertions. The last evening that I saw her +at Lord Y----'s, just before I sailed for England, I suffered more than +I thought it was in my nature to feel, especially at the moment when I +went up to make my bow, and take leave of her with all the cold ceremony +of a common acquaintance. At parting, however, in the presence of her +mother and of Lord Y----, Cecilia, with her sweet smile, and, I think, +with a slight blush, said a few words, upon which I lived for months +afterwards. + +"I sincerely wish you, sir, the success your perseverance so well +deserves." + +The recollection of these words was often my solace in my lonely +chambers in the Temple; and often, after a day's hard study, the +repeating them to myself operated as a charm that dissipated all +fatigue, and revived at once my exhausted spirits. To be sure, there +were moments when my fire was out, and my candle sinking in the socket, +and my mind over-wearied saw things in the most gloomy point of view; +and at these times I used to give an unfavourable interpretation to +Cecilia's words, and I fancied that they were designed to prevent my +entertaining fallacious hopes, and to warn me that she must yield to +her mother's authority, or perhaps to her own inclinations, in favour +of some of her richer lovers. This idea would have sunk me into utter +despondency, and I should have lost, with my motive, all power of +exertion, had not I opposed to this apprehension the remembrance of Lord +Y----'s countenance, at the moment Cecilia was speaking to me. I then +felt assured, that his lordship, at least, understood the words in a +favourable sense, else he would have suffered for me, and would not +certainly have allowed me to go away with false hopes. Re-animated by +this consideration, I persevered--for it was by perseverance alone that +I could have any chance of success. + +It was fortunate for me, that, stimulated by a great motive, I thus +devoted my whole time and thoughts to my studies, otherwise I must, on +returning to London, have felt the total neglect and desertion of all +my former associates in the fashionable world; of all the vast number +of acquaintance who used to lounge away their hours in my company, and +partake of the luxuries of my table and the festivities of my house. +Some, whom I accidentally met in the street, just at my re-appearance in +town, thought proper, indeed, to know me again at first, that they might +gratify their curiosity about the paragraphs which they had seen in the +papers, and the reports which they had heard of my extraordinary change +of fortune; but no sooner had they satisfied themselves that all they +had heard was true, than their interest concerning me ceased. When they +found, that, instead of being Earl of Glenthorn, and the possessor of +a large estate, I was now reduced to three hundred a year, lodging in +small chambers in the Temple, and studying the law, they never more +thought me worthy of their notice. They affected, according to their +different humours, either to pity me for my misfortunes, or to blame +me for my folly in giving up my estate; but they unanimously expressed +astonishment at the idea of my becoming a member of any active +profession. They declared that it was impossible that I could ever +endure the labour of the law, or succeed in such an arduous career. +Their prophecies intimidated me not; I was conscious that these people +did not in the least know me; and I hoped and believed that I had powers +and a character which they were incapable of estimating: their contempt +rather excited than depressed my mind, and their pity I returned +with more sincerity than it was given. I had lived their life, knew +thoroughly what were its pleasures and its pains; I could compare the +ennui I felt when I was a Bond-street lounger with the self-complacency +I enjoyed now that I was occupied in a laborious but interesting and +honourable pursuit. I confess, I had sometimes, however, the weakness +to think the worse of human nature, for what I called the desertion and +ingratitude of these my former companions and flatterers; and I could +not avoid comparing the neglect and solitude in which I lived in London, +where I had lavished my fortune, with the kindness and hospitalities +I had received in Dublin, where I lived only when I had no fortune to +spend. After a little time, however, I became more reasonable and just; +for I considered that it was my former dissipated mode of life, +and imprudent choice of associates, which I should blame for the +mortifications I now suffered from the desertion of companions, who +were, in fact, incapable of being friends. In London I had lived with +the most worthless, in Dublin with the best company; and in each place I +had been treated as, in fact, I deserved. But, leaving the history of my +feelings, I must proceed with my narrative. + +One night, after I had dined with an Irish gentleman, a friend of Lord +Y----'s, at the west end of the town, as I was returning late to my +lodgings, I was stopped for some time by a crowd of carriages, in one +of the fashionable streets. I found that there was a masquerade at +the house of a lady, with whom I had been intimately acquainted. +The clamours of the mob, eager to see the dresses of those who were +alighting from their carriages, the gaudy and fantastic figures which I +beheld by the light of the flambeaux, the noise and the bustle, put me +in mind of various similar nights of my past life, and it seemed to +me like a dream, or reminiscence of some former state of existence. +I passed on as soon as the crowd would permit, and took my way down a +narrow street, by which I hoped to get, by a shorter way than usual, +to my quiet lodgings. The rattling of the carriages, the oaths of the +footmen, and the shouts of the mob still sounded in my ears; and the +masquerade figures had scarcely faded from my sight, when I saw, coming +slowly out of a miserable entry, by the light of a few wretched candles +and lanterns, a funeral. The contrast struck me: I stood still to make +way for the coffin; and I heard one say to another, "What matter how +she's buried! I tell you, be at as little expense as possible, for he'll +never pay a farthing." I had a confused recollection of having heard the +voice before: as one of the bearers lifted his lantern, I saw the face +of the woman who spoke, and had a notion of having seen her before. +I asked whose funeral it was; and I was answered, "It is one Mrs. +Crawley's--Lady Glenthorn that was," added the woman. I heard no more: I +was so much shocked, that I believe I should have fallen in the street, +if I had not been immediately supported by somebody near me. When I +recovered my recollection, I saw the funeral had moved on some paces, +and the person who supported me, I now found, was a clergyman. In a mild +voice, he told me that his duty called him away from me at present, but +he added, that if I would tell him where I could be found, he would +see me in the morning, and give me any information in his power, as he +supposed that I was interested for this unfortunate woman. I put a card +with my address into his hands, thanked him, and got home as well as I +could. In the morning, the clergyman called upon me--a most benevolent +man, unknown to fame; but known to all the wretched within the reach of +his consolatory religion. He gave me a melancholy account of the last +days of the unhappy woman, whose funeral I had just seen. I told him who +I was, and what she had been to me. She had, almost in her last moments, +as he assured me, expressed her sense of, what she called, my generosity +to her, and had shown deep contrition for her infidelity. She died in +extreme poverty and wretchedness, with no human being who was, or even +seemed, interested for her, but a maid-servant (the woman whose voice I +recollected), whose services were purchased to the last, by presents of +whatever clothes or trinkets were left from the wreck of her mistress's +fortune. Crawley, it seems, had behaved brutally to his victim. After +having long delayed to perform his promise of marrying her, he declared +that he could never think of a woman who had been divorced in any other +way than a mistress: she, poor weak creature, consented to live with him +on any terms; but, as his passions and his interest soon turned to new +objects, he cast her off without scruple, refusing to pay any of the +tradesmen, who had supplied her while she bore his name. He refused to +pay the expenses even of her funeral, though she had shared with him her +annuity, and every thing she possessed. I paid the funeral expenses, +and some arrears of the maid's wages, together with such debts for +necessaries as I had reason to believe were justly due: the strict +economy with which I had lived for three years, and the parting with a +watch and some other trinkets too fine for my circumstances, enabled +me to pay this money without material inconvenience, and it was a +satisfaction to my mind. The good clergyman who managed these little +matters became interested for me, and our acquaintance with each other +grew every day more intimate and agreeable. When he found that I was +studying the law, he begged to introduce me to a brother of his, who had +been one of the most eminent special pleaders in London, and who now, on +a high salary, undertook to prepare students for the bar. I was rather +unwilling to accept of this introduction, because I was not rich enough +to become a pupil of this gentleman's; but my clergyman guessed the +cause of my reluctance, and told me that his brother had charged him to +overrule all such objections. "My brother and I," continued he, "though +of different professions, have in reality but one mind between us: he +has heard from me all the circumstances I know of you, and they have +interested him so much, that he desires, in plain English, to be of any +service he can to you." + +This offer was made in earnest; and if I had given him the largest +salary that could have been offered by the most opulent of his pupils, +I could not have met with more attention, or have been instructed with +more zeal than I was, by my new friend the special pleader. He was also +so kind as to put me at ease by the assurance, that whenever I should +begin to make money by my profession, he would accept of remuneration. +He jestingly said, that he would make the same bargain with me that was +made by the famous sophist Protagoras of old with his pupil, that he +should have the profits of the first cause I should win--certain that I +would not, like his treacherous pupil Evathlus, employ the rhetorician's +arms against himself, to cheat him out of his promised reward. My +special pleader was not a mere man of forms and law _rigmaroles_; he +knew the reason for the forms he used: he had not only a technical, but +a rational knowledge of his business; and, what is still more uncommon, +he knew how to teach what he had learnt. He did not merely set me down +at a desk, and leave me skins after skins of parchment to pore over in +bewildered and hopeless stupidity; he did not use me like a mere copying +machine, to copy sheet after sheet for him, every morning from nine till +four, and again every evening from five till ten. Mine was a law tutor +of a superior sort. Wherever he could, he gave me a clue to guide me +through the labyrinth; and when no reason could be devised for what the +law directs, he never puzzled me by attempting to explain what could not +be explained; he did not insist upon the total surrender of my rational +faculties, but with wonderful liberality would allow me to call +nonsense, nonsense; and would, after two or three hours' hard +scrivening, as the case might require--for this I thank him more than +all the rest--permit me to yawn, and stretch, and pity myself, and +curse the useless repetitions of lawyers, sinking under the weight of +_declarations_, and _replications_, and _double pleas_, and _dilatory, +pleas_; + + _"Of horse pleas, traverses, demurrers, + Jeofails, imparlances, and errors. + Averments, bars, and profestandoes.'"_ + +O! Cecilia, what pains did I endure to win your applause! Yet, that +I may state the whole truth, let me acknowledge, that even these, my +dullest, hardest tasks, were light, compared with the burden I formerly +bore of ennui. At length my period of probation in my pleader's +office was over; I escaped from the dusky desk, and the smell of musty +parchments, and the close smoky room; I finished _eating my terms_ at +the Temple, and returned, even, as the captain of the packet swore, "in +the face and teeth of the wind," to Dublin. + +But, in my haste to return, I must not omit to notice, for the sake of +poetical equity, that just when I was leaving England, I heard that +slow but sure-paced justice at last overtook that wretch Crawley. He was +detected and convicted of embezzling considerable sums, the property of +a gentleman in Cheshire, who had employed him as his agent. I saw him, +as I passed through Chester, going to prison, amidst the execrations of +the populace. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + +As I was not, as formerly, asleep in my carriage on deck, when we came +within sight of the Irish shore, I saw, and hailed with delight, the +beautiful bay of Dublin. The moment we landed, instead of putting myself +out of humour, as before, with every thing at the Marine Hotel, I went +directly to my friend Lord Y----'s. I made my _sortie_ from the hotel +with so much extraordinary promptitude, that a slip-shod waiter was +forced to pursue me, running or shuffling after me the whole length of +the street, before he could overtake me with a letter, which had +been "waiting for my honour, at the hotel, since yesterday's Holyhead +packet." This was a mistake, as the letter had never come or gone by any +Holyhead packet; it was only a letter from Mr. M'Leod, to welcome me +to Ireland again; and to tell me, that he had taken care to secure good +well-aired lodgings for me: he added an account of what was going on at +Glenthorn Castle. The extravagance of _my lady_ had by this time reduced +the family to great difficulties for ready money, as they could neither +sell nor mortgage any part of the Glenthorn estate, which was settled +on the son. My poor foster-brother had, it seems, in vain attempted to +restrain the wasteful folly of his wife, and to persuade Johnny, the +young heir-apparent, to _larn_ to be a _jantleman_: in vain Christy +tried to prevail on his lordship to "refrain drinking whisky +_preferably_ to claret:" the youth pleaded both his father's and +mother's examples; and said, that as he was an only son, and his father +had but a life-interest in the estate, he _expected_ to be indulged; he +repeated continually "a short life and a merry one for me." Mr. M'Leod +concluded this letter by observing, "that far from its being a merry +life, he never saw any thing more sad than the life this foolish boy +led; and that Glenthorn Castle was so melancholy and disgusting a scene +of waste, riot, and intemperance, that he could not bear to go there." I +was grieved by this account, for the sake of my poor foster-brother; but +it would have made a deeper impression upon me at any other time. I must +own that I forgot the letter, and all that it contained, as I knocked at +Lord Y----'s door. + +Lord Y---- received me with open arms; and, with all the kindness of +friendship, anticipated the questions I longed, yet feared, to ask. + +"Cecilia Delamere is still unmarried--Let these words be enough to +content you for the present; all the rest is, I hope, in your own +power." + +In my power!--delightful thought! yet how distant that hope! For I was +now, after all my labours, but just called to the bar; not yet likely, +for years, to make a guinea, much less a fortune, by my profession. +Many of the greatest of our lawyers have gone circuit for ten or twelve +years, before they made a _Fashionable Life_. hundred a year; and I was +at this time four-and-thirty. I confessed to my Lord Y----, that these +reflections alarmed and depressed me exceedingly: but he encouraged me +by this answer--"Persevere--deserve success; and trust the rest, not +to fortune, but to your friends. It is not required of you to make ten +thousand or one thousand a year at the bar, in any given time; but it is +expected from you to give proofs that you are capable of conquering the +indolence of your disposition or of your former habits. It is required +from you to give proofs of intellectual energy and ability. When you +have convinced me that you have the knowledge and assiduity that ought +to succeed at the bar, I shall be certain that only time is wanting to +your actual acquisition of a fortune equal to what I ought to require +for my fair friend and relation. When it comes to that point, it will, +my dear sir, be time enough for me to say more. Till it comes to that +point, I have promised Mrs. Delamere that you will not even attempt to +see her daughter. She blames me for having permitted Cecilia and you to +see so much of each other, as you did in this house when you were last +in Ireland. Perhaps I was imprudent, but your conduct has saved me +from my own reproaches, and I fear no other. I end where I began, with +'Persevere--and may the success your perseverance deserves be your +reward.' If I recollect right, these were nearly Miss Delamere's own +words at parting with you." + +In truth, I had not forgotten them; and I was so much excited by their +repetition at this moment, and by my excellent friend's encouraging +voice, that all difficulties, all dread of future labours or evils, +vanished from my view. I went my first circuit, and made two guineas, +and was content; for Lord Y---- was not disappointed: he told me it +would, it must be so. But though I made no money, I obtained gradually, +amongst my associates at the bar, the reputation for judgment and +knowledge. Of this they could judge by my conversation, and by the +remarks on the trials brought on before us. The elder counsel had been +prepared in my favour, first by Mr. Devereux, and afterwards by my +diligence in following their advice, during my studies in Dublin: they +perceived that I had not lost my time in London, and that _my mind was +in my possession_. They prophesied, that from the moment I began to be +employed, I should rise rapidly. Opportunity, they told me, was now all +that I wanted, and for that I must wait with patience. I waited with +as much patience as I could. I had many friends; some among the judges, +some among a more powerful class of men, the attorneys: some of these +friends made for me by Mr. Devereux and Lady Geraldine; some by Lord +Y----; some, may I say it? by myself. Yet the utmost that even the +highest patronage from the bench can do for a young barrister is, to +give him an opportunity of distinguishing himself in preference to other +competitors. This was all I hoped; and I was not deceived in this hope. +It happened that a cause of considerable moment, which had come on in +our circuit, and to the whole course of which I had attended with great +care, was removed, by an appeal, to Dublin. I fortunately, I should say +prudently, was in the habit of constant attendance at the courts: the +counsel who was engaged to manage this cause was suddenly taken ill, and +was disabled from proceeding. The judge called upon me; the attorneys, +and the other counsel, were all agreed in wishing me to take up the +business, for they knew I was prepared, and competent to the question. +The next day the cause, which was then to be finally decided, came on. +I sat up all night to look over my documents, and to make myself sure of +my points. Ten years before this, if any one had prophesied this of me, +how little could I have believed them! + +The trial came on--I rose to speak. How fortunate it was for me, that I +did not know my Lord Y---- was in the court! I am persuaded that I +could not have uttered three sentences, if he had caught my eye in the +exordium of this my first harangue. Every man of sensibility--and no man +without it can be an orator--every man of sensibility knows that it is +more difficult to speak in the presence of one anxious friend, of whose +judgment we have a high opinion, than before a thousand auditors who are +indifferent, and are strangers to us. Not conscious who was listening +to me, whose eyes were upon me, whose heart was beating for me, I spoke +with confidence and fluency, for I spoke on a subject of which I had +previously made myself completely master; and I was so full of the +matter, that I thought not of the words. Perhaps this, and my having +the right side of the question, were the causes of my success. I heard +a buzz of thanks and applause round me. The decree was given in our +favour. At this moment I recollected my bargain, and my debt to my good +master the special pleader. But all bargains, all debts, all special +pleaders, vanished the next instant from my mind; for the crowd opened, +Lord Y---- appeared before me, seized my hand, congratulated me actually +with tears of joy, carried me away to his carriage, ordered the coachman +to drive home--fast! fast! + +"And now," said he to me, "I am satisfied. Your trial is +over--successfully over--you have convinced me of your powers and your +perseverance. All the hopes of friendship are fulfilled: may all the +hopes of love be accomplished! You have now my free and full approbation +to address my ward and relation, Cecilia Delamere. You will have +difficulties with her mother, perhaps; but none beyond what we good and +great lawyers shall, I trust, be able to overrule. Mrs. Delamere knows, +that, as I have an unsettled estate, and but one son, I have it in my +power to provide for her daughter as if she were my own. It has always +been my intention to do so: but if you marry Miss Delamere, you will +still find it necessary to pursue your profession diligently, to +maintain her in her own rank and style of life; and now that you have +felt the pleasures of successful exertion, you will consider this +necessity as an additional blessing. From what I have heard this day, +there can be no doubt, that, by pursuing your profession, you can +secure, in a few years, not only ease and competence, but affluence and +honours--honours of your own earning. How far superior to any hereditary +title!" + +The carriage stopped at Lord Y----'s door. My friend presented me to +Cecilia, whom I saw this day for the first time since my return to +Ireland. From this hour I date the commencement of my life of real +happiness. How unlike that life of _pleasure_, to which so many give +erroneously the name of happiness! Lord Y----, with his powerful +influence, supported my cause with Mrs. Delamere, who was induced, +though with an ill grace, to give up her opposition. + +"Cecilia," she said, "was now three-and-twenty, an age to judge for +herself; and Lord Y----'s judgment was a great point in favour of +Mr. O'Donoghoe, to be sure. And no doubt Mr. O'Donoghoe might make a +fortune, since he had made a figure already at the bar. In short, she +could not oppose the wishes of Lord Y----, and the affections of her +daughter, since they were so fixed. But, after all," said Mrs. Delamere, +"what a horrid thing it will be to hear my girl called Mrs. O'Donoghoe! +Only conceive the sound of--Mrs. O'Donoghoe's carriage there!--Mrs. +O'Donoghoe's carriage stops the way!" + +"Your objection, my dear madam," replied Lord Y----, "is fully as +well founded as that of a young lady of my acquaintance, who could not +prevail on her delicacy to become the wife of a merchant of the name +of _Sheepshanks_. He very wisely, or very gallantly, paid five hundred +pounds to change his name. I make no doubt that your future son-in-law +will have no objection to take and bear the name and arms of Delamere; +and I think I can answer for it, that a king's letter may be obtained, +empowering him to do so. With this part of the business allow me to +charge myself." + +I spare the reader the protracted journal of a lover's hopes and fears. +Cecilia, convinced, by the exertions in which I had so long persevered, +that my affection for her was not only sincere and ardent, but likely to +be permanent, did not torture me by the vain delays of female coquetry. +She believed, she said, that a man capable of conquering habitual +indolence could not be of a feeble character; and she therefore +consented, without hesitation, to entrust her happiness to my care. + +I hope my readers have, by this time, too favourable an opinion of me to +suspect, that, in my joy, I forgot him who had been my steady friend in +adversity. I wrote to M'Leod, as soon as I knew my own happiness, and +assured him that it would be incomplete without his sympathy. I do not +think there was at our wedding a face of more sincere, though sober joy, +than M'Leod's. Cecilia and I have been now married above a twelvemonth, +and she permits me to say, that she has never, for a moment, repented +her choice. That I have not relapsed into my former habits, the +judicious and benevolent reader will hence infer: and yet I have been in +a situation to be spoiled; for I scarcely know a wish of my heart that +remains ungratified, except the wish that my friend Mr. Devereux and +Lady Geraldine should return from India, to see and partake of that +happiness of which they first prepared the foundation. They first +awakened my dormant intellects, made me know that I had a heart, and +that I was capable of forming a character for myself. The loss of my +estate continued the course of my education, forced me to exert my own +powers, and to rely upon myself. My passion for the amiable and charming +Cecilia was afterwards motive sufficient to urge me to persevering +intellectual labour: fortunately my marriage has obliged me to continue +my exertions, and the labours of my profession have made the pleasures +of domestic life most delightful. The rich, says a philosophic moralist, +are obliged to labour, if they would be healthy or happy; and they call +this labour exercise. + +Whether, if I were again a rich man, I should have sufficient voluntary +exertion to take a due portion of mental and bodily exercise, I dare +not pretend to determine, nor do I wish to be put to the trial. Desiring +nothing in life but the continuance of the blessings I possess, I may +here conclude my memoirs, by assuring my readers, that after a full +experience of most of what are called the pleasures of life, I would not +accept of all the Glenthorn and Sherwood estates, to pass another year +of such misery as I endured whilst I was "stretched on the rack of a too +easy chair." + +The preceding memoirs were just ready for publication, when I received +the following letter: + + +"HONOURED FOSTER-BROTHER, + +"Since the day I parted yees, nothing in life but misfortins has +happened me, owing to my being overruled by my wife, who would be a +lady, all I could say again it. But that's over, and there's no help; +for all and all that ever she can say will do no good. The castle's +burnt down all to the ground, and my Johnny's dead, and I wish I was +dead in his place. The occasion of his death was owing to drink, which +he fell into from getting too much money, and nothing to do--and a snuff +of a candle. When going to bed last night, a little in liquor, what does +he do but takes the candle, and sticks it up against the head of his +bed, as he used oftentimes to do, without detriment, in the cabin where +he was reared, against the mud-wall. But this was close to an ould +window curtain, and a deal of ould wood in the bed, which was all in a +smother, and he lying asleep after drinking, when he was ever hard to +wake, and before he waked at all, it appears the unfortunit _cratur_ was +smothered, and none heard a sentence of it, till the ceiling of my room, +the blue bedchamber, with a piece of the big wood cornice, fell, and +wakened me with terrible uproar, and all above and about me was flame +and smoke, and I just took my wife on my back, and down the stairs with +her, which did not give in till five minutes after, and she screeching, +and all them relations she had screeching and running every one for +themselves, and no thought in any to save any thing at all, but just +what they could for themselves, and not a sarvant that was in his right +rason. I got the ladder with a deal of difficulty, and up to Johnny's +room, and there was a sight for me--he a corpse, and how even to get the +corpse out of that, myself could not tell, for I was bewildered, and how +they took me down, I don't well know. When I came to my sinses, I was +lying on the ground in the court, and all confusion and screaming still, +and the flames raging worse than ever. There's no use in describing +all--the short of it is, there's nothing remaining of the castle but +the stones; and it's little I'd think o' that, if I could have Johnny +back--such as he used to be in my good days; since he's gone, I am no +good. I write this to beg you, being married, of which I give you joy, +to Miss Delamere, that is the _hare_ at law, will take possession of +all immediately, for I am as good as dead, and will give no hindrance. +I will go back to my forge, and, by the help of God, forget at my work +what has passed; and as to my wife, she may go to her own kith and kin, +if she will not abide by me. I shall not trouble her long. Mr. M'Leod +is a good man, and will follow any directions you send; and may the +blessing of God attind, and come to reign over us again, when you will +find me, as heretofore, + +"Your loyal foster-brother, + +"CHRISTY DONOGHOE." + + +Glenthorn Castle is now rebuilding; and when it is finished, and when +I return thither, I will, if it should be desired by the public, give +a faithful account of my feelings. I flatter myself that I shall not +relapse into indolence; my understanding has been cultivated--I have +acquired a taste for literature, and the example of Lord Y---- convinces +me that a man may at once be rich and noble, and active and happy. + +Written in 1804. Printed in 1809. + + + + +FOOTNOTES: + + +[73] Clodius Albinus. + +[74] I was not the nobleman who laid a wager, that he could ride a fine +horse to death in fifteen minutes. Indeed, I must do myself the justice +to say, that I rejoiced at this man's losing his bet. He _blew_ the +horse in four minutes, and killed it; but it did not die within the time +prescribed by the bet. + +[75] If any one should think it impossible that a man of Lord +Glenthorn's consequence should, at the supposed moment of his death, +thus be neglected, let them recollect the scenes that followed the death +of Tiberius--of Henry the Fourth of France--of William Rufus, and of +George the Second. + +[76] "For fostering, I did never hear or read, that it was in use or +reputation in any country, barbarous or civil, as it hath been, and yet +is, in Ireland.... In the opinion of this people, fostering hath always +been a stronger alliance than blood; and the foster-children do love and +are beloved of their foster-fathers and their sept (or _clan_) more than +of their natural parents and kindred; and do participate of their +means more frankly, and do adhere unto them, in all fortunes, with +more affection and constancy.... Such a general custom in a kingdom, in +giving and taking children to foster, making such a firm alliance as it +doth in Ireland, was never seen or heard of in any other country of the +world beside."--DAVIES. + +See in Lodge's Peerage of Ireland an account of an Irish nurse, who went +from Kerry to France, and from France to Milan, to see her foster-son, +the Lord Thomas Fitzmaurice; and to warn him that his estate was in +danger from an heir-at-law, who had taken possession of it in his +absence. The nurse, being very old, died on her return home. + +[77] Verbatim. + +[78] Since Lord Glenthorn's Memoirs were published, the editor has +received letters and information from the east, west, north, and +south of Ireland, on the present state of posting in that country. The +following is one of the many, which is vouched by indisputable authority +as a true and recent anecdote, given in the very words in which it was +related to the editor ... Mr. ------, travelling in Ireland, having got +into a hackney chaise, was surprised to hear the driver knocking at +each side of the carriage. "What are you doing?"--"A'n't I nailing +your honour up?"--"Why do you nail me up? I don't wish to be nailed +up."--"Augh! would your honour have the doors fly off the hinges?" When +they came to the end of the stage, Mr. ------ begged the man to unfasten +the doors. "Ogh! what would I he taking out the nails for, to be racking +the doors?"--"How shall I get out then?"--"Can't your honour get out of +the window like any other _jantleman?_" Mr. ------ began the operation; +but, having forced his head and shoulder out, could get no farther, and +called again to the postilion. "Augh! did any one ever see any one get +out of a chay head foremost? Can't your honour put out your feet first, +like a Christian?" + +Another correspondent from the south relates, that when he refused to +go on till one of the four horses, who wanted a shoe, was shod, his two +postilions in his hearing commenced thus: "Paddy, where _will_ I get +a shoe, and no smith nigh hand?"--"Why don't you see yon _jantleman's_ +horse in the field? can't you go and unshoe him?"--"True for ye," said +Jem; "but that horse's shoe will never fit him."--"Augh! you can but try +it," said Paddy.--So the gentleman's horse was actually unshod, and his +shoe put upon the hackney horse; and, fit or not fit, Paddy went off +with it. + +Another gentleman, travelling in the north of Ireland in a hackney +chaise during a storm of wind and rain, found that two of the windows +were broken, and two could not by force or art of man be pulled up: he +ventured to complain to his Paddy of the inconvenience he suffered from +the storm pelting in his face. His consolation was, "Augh! God bless +your honour, and can't you get out and _set_ behind the carriage, and +you'll not get a drop at all, I'll engage." + +[79] Mirabeau--Secret Memoirs. + +[80] See Philosophical Transactions, vol. lxvii. part ii., Sir George +Shuckburgh's observations to ascertain the height of mountains--for a +full account of the cabin of a couple of Alpine shepherdesses. + +[81] See Harrison. + +[82] "En petit compris vous pouvez voir Ce qui comprend beaucoup par renommé, + Plume, labeur, la langue, et le devoir + Furent vaincus par l'amant de l'aimée. + O gentille ame, étant toute estimée! + Qui te pourra louer, qu'en se taisant? + Car la parole est toujours réprimée + Quand le sujet surmonte le disant." + +[83] "The stag is roused from the woods that skirt Glenaa mountain, in +which there are many of these animals that run wild; the bottoms and +sides of the mountains are covered with woods, and the declivities are +so long and steep that no horse could either make his way to the bottom, +or climb these impracticable hills. It is impossible to follow the hunt, +either on foot or on horseback. The spectator enjoys the diversion on +the lake, where the cry of hounds, the harmony of the horn, resounding +from the hills on every side, the universal shouts of joy along the +valleys and mountains, which are often lined with foot-people, who come +in vast numbers to partake and assist at the diversion, re-echo from +hill to hill, and give the highest glee and satisfaction that the +imagination can conceive possible to arise from the chase, and perhaps +can nowhere be enjoyed with that spirit and sublime elevation of soul, +that a thorough-bred sportsman feels at a stag-hunt on the Lake of +Killarney. There is, however, one imminent danger which awaits him; that +in his raptures and ecstasies he may forget himself and jump out of +the boat. When hotly pursued, and weary with the constant difficulty of +making his way with his ramified antlers through the woods, the stag, +terrified at the cry of his open-mouthed pursuers, almost at his heels, +now looks toward the lake as his last resource--then pauses and looks +upwards; but the hills are insurmountable, and the woods refuse to +shelter him--the hounds roar with redoubled fury at the sight of their +victim--he plunges into the lake. He escapes but for a few minutes from +one merciless enemy to fall into the hands of another--the shouting +boat-men surround their victim--throw cords round his majestic +antlers--he is haltered and dragged to shore; while the big tears +roll down his face, and his heaving sides and panting flanks speak his +agonies, the keen searching knife drinks his blood, and savages exult at +his expiring groan." + +[84] Than. + +[85] An Irishman in using this word has some confused notion that it +comes from _negro_; whereas it really means niggard. + + + + + + +THE DUN. + + + "Horrible monster! hated by gods and men."--PHILLIPS. + +"In the higher and middle classes of society," says a celebrated writer, +"it is a melancholy and distressing sight to observe, not unfrequently, +a man of a noble and ingenuous disposition, once feelingly alive to a +sense of honour and integrity, gradually sinking under the pressure of +his circumstances, making his excuses at first with a blush of conscious +shame, afraid to see the faces of his friends from whom he may have +borrowed money, reduced to the meanest tricks and subterfuges to delay +or avoid the payment of his just debts, till, ultimately grown familiar +with falsehood, and at enmity with the world, he loses all the grace and +dignity of man." + +Colonel Pembroke, the subject of the following story, had not, at the +time his biographer first became acquainted with him, "grown familiar +with falsehood;" his conscience was not entirely callous to reproach, +nor was his heart insensible to compassion; but he was in a fair way +to get rid of all troublesome feelings and principles. He was connected +with a set of selfish young men of fashion, whose opinions stood him in +stead of law, equity, and morality; to them he appealed in all doubtful +cases, and his self-complacency being daily and hourly dependent upon +their decisions, he had seldom either leisure or inclination to consult +his own judgment. His amusements and his expenses were consequently +regulated by the example of his companions, not by his own choice. To +follow them in every absurd variety of the mode, either in dress +or, equipage, was his first ambition; and all their factitious wants +appeared to him objects of the first necessity. No matter how good the +boots, the hat, the coat, the furniture, or the equipage might be, if +they had outlived the fashion of the day, or even of the hour, they +were absolutely worthless in his eyes. _Nobody_ could be seen in such +things--then of what use could they be to _any body_? Colonel Pembroke's +finances were not exactly equal to the support of such _liberal_ +principles; but this was a misfortune which he had in common with +several of his companions. It was no check to their spirit--they could +live upon credit--credit, "that talisman, which realizes every thing +it imagines, and which can imagine every thing." [See Des Casaux sur le +Méchanisme de la Société.] Without staying to reflect upon the immediate +or remote consequences of this system, Pembroke, in his first attempts, +found it easy to reduce it to practice: but, as he proceeded, he +experienced some difficulties. Tradesmen's bills accumulated, and +applications for payment became every day more frequent and pressing. He +defended himself with much address and ingenuity, and practice perfected +him in all the Fabian arts of delay. "_No faith with duns_" became, as +he frankly declared, a maxim of his morality. He could now, with a +most plausible face, protest to a _poor devil_, upon the honour of a +gentleman, that he should be paid to-morrow; when nothing was farther +from his intentions or his power than to keep his word: and when +_to-morrow_ came, he could, with the most easy assurance, _damn the +rascal_ for putting a gentleman in mind of his promises. But there were +persons more difficult to manage than _poor devils_. Colonel Pembroke's +tailor, who had begun by being the most accommodating fellow in the +world, and who had in three years run him up a bill of thirteen +hundred pounds, at length began to fail in complaisance, and had the +impertinence to talk of his large family, and his urgent calls for +money, etc. And next, the colonel's shoe and boot-maker, a man from whom +he had been in the habit of taking two hundred pounds' worth of shoes +and boots every year, for himself and his servants, now pretended to +be in distress for ready money, and refused to furnish more goods upon +credit. "Ungrateful dog!" Pembroke called him; and he actually believed +his creditors to be ungrateful and insolent, when they asked for their +money; for men frequently learn to believe what they are in the daily +habit of asserting [Rochefoucault], especially if their assertions +be not contradicted by their audience. He knew that his tradesmen +overcharged him in every article he bought, and therefore he thought it +but just to delay payment whilst it suited his convenience. "Confound +them, they can very well afford to wait!" As to their pleas of urgent +demands for ready money, large families, &c., he considered these +merely as words of course, tradesmen's cant, which should make no more +impression upon a gentleman than the whining of a beggar. + +One day when Pembroke was just going out to ride with some of his +gay companions, he was stopped at his own door by a pale, thin, +miserable-looking boy, eight or nine years old, who presented him with +a paper, which he took for granted was a petition; he threw the child +half-a-crown. "There, take that," said he, "and stand out of the way of +my horse's heels, I advise you, my little fellow." + +The boy, however, still pressed closer; and, without picking up the +half-crown, held the paper to Colonel Pembroke, who had now vaulted into +his saddle. + +"O no! no! That's too much, my lad--I never read petitions--I'd sooner +give half-a-crown at any time than read a petition." + +"But, sir, this is not a petition--indeed, sir, I am not a beggar." + +"What is it then?--Heyday! a bill!--Then you're worse than a beggar--a +dun!--a dun! in the public streets, at your time of life! You little +rascal, why what will you come to before you are your father's age?" +The boy sighed. "If," pursued the colonel, "I were to serve you right, I +should give you a good horse-whipping. Do you see this whip?" + +"I do, sir," said the boy; "but----" + +"But what? you insolent little dun!--But what?" + +"My father is dying," said the child, bursting into tears, "and we have +no money to buy him bread, or any thing." + +Struck by these words, Pembroke snatched the paper from the boy, and +looking hastily at the total and title of the bill, read--"Twelve pounds +fourteen--John White, weaver."--"I know of no such person!--I have no +dealings with weavers, child," said the colonel, laughing: "My name's +Pembroke--Colonel Pembroke." + +"Colonel Pembroke--yes, sir, the very person Mr. Close, the tailor, sent +me to!" + +"Close the tailor! D--n the rascal: was it he sent you to dun me? For +this trick he shall not see a farthing of my money this twelvemonth. You +may tell him so, you little whining hypocrite!--And, hark you! the next +time you come to me, take care to come with a better story--let your +father and mother, and six brothers and sisters, be all lying ill of the +fever--do you understand?" + +He tore the bill into bits as he spoke, and showered it over the +boy's head. Pembroke's companions laughed at this operation, and he +facetiously called it "powdering a dun." They rode off to the Park in +high spirits; and the poor boy picked up the half-crown, and returned +home. His home was in a lane in Moorfields, about three miles distant +from this gay part of the town. As the child had not eaten any thing +that morning, he was feeble, and grew faint as he was crossing Covent +Garden. He sat down upon the corner of a stage of flowers. + +"What are you doing there?" cried a surly man, pulling him up by the +arm; "What business have you lounging and loitering here, breaking my +best balsam?" + +"I did not mean to do any harm--I am not loitering, indeed, sir,--I'm +only weak," said the boy, "and hungry." + +"Oranges! oranges! fine China oranges!" cried a woman, rolling her +barrow full of fine fruit towards him. "If you've a two-pence in the +world, you can't do better than take one of these fine ripe China +oranges." + +"I have not two-pence of my own in the world," said the boy. + +"What's that I see through the hole in your waistcoat pocket?" said the +woman; "is not that silver?" + +"Yes, half-a-crown; which I am carrying home to my father, who is ill, +and wants it more than I do." + +"Pooh! take an orange out of it--it's only two-pence--and it will do you +good--I'm sure you look as if you wanted it badly enough." + +"That may be; but father wants it worse.--No, I won't change my +half-crown," said the boy, turning away from the tempting oranges. + +The gruff gardener caught him by the hand. + +"Here, I've moved the balsam a bit, and it is not broke, I see; sit ye +down, child, and rest yourself, and eat this," said he, putting into his +hand half a ripe orange, which he just cut. + +"Thank you!--God bless you, sir!--How good it is!--But," said the child, +stopping after he had tasted the sweet juice, "I am sorry I have sucked +so much; I might have carried it home to father, who is ill; and what a +treat it would be to him!--I'll keep the rest." + +"No--that you sha'n't," said the orange-woman. "But I'll tell you what +you shall do--take this home to your father, which is a better one by +half--I'm sure it will do him good--I never knew a ripe China orange do +harm to man, woman, or child." + +The boy thanked the good woman and the gardener, as only those can thank +who have felt what it is to be in absolute want. When he was rested, and +able to walk, he pursued his way home. His mother was watching for him +at the street-door. + +"Well, John, my dear, what news? Has he paid us?" + +The boy shook his head. + +"Then we must bear it as well as we can," said his mother, wiping the +cold dew from her forehead. + +"But look, mother, I have this half-crown, which the gentleman, thinking +me a beggar, threw to me." + +"Run with it, love, to the baker's. No--stay, you're tired--I'll go +myself; and do you step up to your father, and tell him the bread is +coming in a minute." + +"Don't run, for you're not able, mother; don't hurry so," said the boy, +calling after her, and holding up his orange: "see, I have this for +father whilst you are away." + +He clambered up three flights of dark, narrow, broken stairs, to the +room in which his father lay. The door hung by a single hinge, and the +child had scarcely strength enough to raise it out of the hollow in the +decayed floor into which it had sunk. He pushed it open, with as little +noise as possible, just far enough to creep in. + +Let those forbear to follow him whose fine feelings can be moved only by +romantic, elegant scenes of distress, whose delicate sensibility shrinks +from the revolting sight of real misery. Here are no pictures for +romance, no stage effect to be seen, no poetic language to be heard; +nothing to charm the imagination,--every thing to disgust the senses. + +This room was so dark, that upon first going into it, after having been +in broad daylight, you could scarcely distinguish any one object it +contained; and no one used to breathe a pure atmosphere could probably +have endured to remain many minutes in this garret. There were three +beds in it: one on which the sick man lay; divided from it by a tattered +rug was another, for his wife and daughter; and a third for his little +boy in the farthest corner. Underneath the window was fixed a loom, at +which the poor weaver had worked hard many a day and year--too hard, +indeed--even till the very hour he was taken ill. His shuttle now lay +idle upon his frame. A girl of about sixteen--his daughter--was sitting +at the foot of his bed, finishing some plain work. + +"Oh, Anne! how your face is all flushed!" said her little brother, as +she looked up when he came into the room. + +"Have you brought us any money?" whispered she: "don't say _No_ loud, +for fear father should hear you." The boy told her in a low voice all +that had passed. + +"Speak out, my dear, I'm not asleep," said his father. "So you are come +back as you went?" + +"No, father, not quite--there's bread coming for you." + +"Give me some more water, Anne, for my mouth is quite parched." + +The little boy cut his orange in an instant, and gave a piece of it to +his father, telling him, at the same time, how he came by it The sick +man raised his hands to heaven, and blessed the poor woman who gave it +to him. + +"Oh, how I love her! and how I hate that cruel, unjust, rich man, who +won't pay father for all the hard work he has done for him!" cried the +child: "how I hate him!" + +"God forgive him!" said the weaver. "I don't know what will become of +you all, when I'm gone; and no one to befriend you, or even to work at +the loom. Anne, I think if I was up," said he, raising himself, "I could +still contrive to do a little good." + +"Dear father, don't think of getting up; the best you can do for us is +to lie still and take rest." + +"Rest! I can take no rest, Anne. Rest! there's none for me in this +world. And whilst I'm in it, is not it my duty to work for my wife and +children? Reach me my clothes, and I'll get up." + +It was in vain to contend with him, when this notion seized him that it +was his duty to work till the last. All opposition fretted and made +him worse; so that his daughter and his wife, even from affection, were +forced to yield, and to let him go to the loom, when his trembling hands +were scarcely able to throw the shuttle. He did not know how weak he was +till he tried to walk. As he stepped out of bed, his wife came in with +a loaf of bread in her hand: at the unexpected sight he made an +exclamation of joy; sprang forward to meet her, but fell upon the floor +in a swoon, before he could put one bit of the bread which she broke for +him into his mouth. Want of sustenance, the having been overworked, and +the constant anxiety which preyed upon his spirits, had reduced him to +this deplorable state of weakness. When he recovered his senses, his +wife showed him his little boy eating a large piece of bread; she also +ate, and made Anne eat before him, to relieve his mind from that dread +which had seized it--and not without some reason--that he should see his +wife and children starve to death. + +"You find, father, there's no danger for to-day," said Anne; "and +to-morrow I shall be paid for my plain work, and then we shall do very +well for a few days longer; and I dare say in that time Mr. Close +the tailor will receive some money from some of the great many rich +gentlemen who owe him so much; and you know he promised that as soon as +ever he was able he would pay us." + +With such hopes, and the remembrance of such promises, the poor man's +spirits could not be much raised; he knew, alas! how little dependence +was to be placed on them. As soon as he had eaten, and felt his strength +revive, he insisted upon going to the loom; his mind was bent upon +finishing a pattern, for which he was to receive five guineas in ready +money: he worked and worked, then lay down and rested himself,--then +worked again, and so on during the remainder of the day; and during +several hours of the night he continued to throw the shuttle, whilst his +little boy and his wife by turns wound spools for him. + +He completed his work, and threw himself upon his bed quite exhausted, +just as the neighbouring clock struck one. + +At this hour Colonel Pembroke was in the midst of a gay and brilliant +assembly at Mrs. York's, in a splendid saloon, illuminated with +wax-lights in profusion, the floor crayoned with roses and myrtles, +which the dancers' feet effaced, the walls hung with the most expensive +hot-house flowers; in short, he was surrounded with luxury in all its +extravagance. It is said that the peaches alone at this entertainment +amounted to six hundred guineas. They cost a guinea a-piece: the price +of one of them, which Colonel Pembroke threw away because it was not +perfectly ripe, would have supported the weaver and his whole family for +a week. + +There are political advocates for luxury, who assert, perhaps justly, +that the extravagance of individuals increases the wealth of nations. +But even upon this system, those who by false hopes excite the +industrious to exertion, without paying them their just wages, commit +not only the most cruel private injustice, but the most important public +injury. The permanence of industry in any state must be proportioned to +the certainty of its reward. + +Amongst the masks at Mrs. York's were three who amused the company +particularly; the festive mob followed them as they moved, and their +bon-mots were applauded and repeated by all the best, that is to +say, the most fashionable male and female judges of wit. The three +distinguished characters were a spendthrift, a bailiff, and a dun. +The spendthrift was supported with great spirit and _truth_ by Colonel +Pembroke, and two of his companions were _great_ and _correct_ in the +parts of the bailiff and the dun. The happy idea of appearing in these +characters this night had been suggested by the circumstance that +happened in the morning. Colonel Pembroke gave himself great credit, he +said, for thus "striking novelty even from difficulty;" and he rejoiced +that the rascal of a weaver had sent his boy to dun him, and had thus +furnished him with diversion for the evening as well as the morning. +We are much concerned that we cannot, for the advantage of posterity, +record any of the innumerable _good things_ which undoubtedly were +uttered by this trio. Even the newspapers of the day could speak only +in general panegyric. The probability, however, is, that the colonel +deserved the praises that were lavished upon his manner of supporting +his character. No man was better acquainted than himself with all those +anecdotes of men of fashion, which could illustrate the spendthrift +system. At least fifty times he had repeated, and always with the same +_glee_, the reply of a great character to a creditor, who, upon being +asked when his _bond_ debts were likely to be paid, answered, "On the +day of judgment." + +Probably the admiration which this and similar sallies of wit have +excited, must have produced a strong desire in the minds of many +young men of spirit to perform similar feats; and though the ruin of +innumerable poor creditors may be the consequence, that will not surely +be deemed by a certain class of reasoners worthy of a moment's regret, +or even a moment's thought. Persons of tender consciences may, perhaps, +be shocked at the idea of committing injustice and cruelty by starving +their creditors, but they may strengthen their minds by taking an +enlarged political view of the subject. + +It is obvious, that whether a hundred guineas be in the pocket of A +or B, the total sum of the wealth of the nation remains the same; and +whether the enjoyments of A be as 100, and those of B as 0,--or whether +these enjoyments be equally divided between A and B,--is a matter of no +importance to the political arithmetician, because in both cases it is +obvious that the total sum of national happiness remains the same. The +happiness of individuals is nothing compared with the general mass. + +And if the individual B should fancy himself ill-used by our political +arithmetician, and should take it into his head to observe, that though +the happiness of B is nothing to the general mass, yet that it is every +thing to him, the politician of course takes snuff, and replies, that +his observation is foreign to the purpose--that the good of the whole +society is the object in view. And if B immediately accede to this +position, and only ask humbly whether the good of the whole be not made +up of the good of the parts, and whether as a part he have not some +right to his share of good, the dexterous logical arithmetician answers, +that B is totally out of the question, because B is a negative quantity +in the equation. And if obstinate B, still conceiving himself aggrieved, +objects to this total annihilation of himself and his interests, and +asks why the lot of extinction should not fall upon the debtor C, or +even upon the calculator himself, by whatever letter of the alphabet +he happens to be designated, the calculator must knit his brow, and +answer--any thing he pleases--except, _I don't know_--for this is a +phrase below the dignity of a philosopher. This argument is produced, +not as a statement of what is really the case, but as a popular argument +against political sophistry. + +Colonel Pembroke, notwithstanding his success at Mrs. York's masquerade +in his character of a spendthrift, could not by his utmost wit and +address satisfy or silence his impertinent tailor. Mr. Close absolutely +refused to give further credit without valuable consideration; and +the colonel was compelled to pass his bond for the whole sum which was +claimed, which was fifty pounds more than was strictly due, in order to +compound with the tailor for the want of ready money. When the bond +was fairly signed, sealed, and delivered, Mr. Close produced the poor +weaver's bill. + +"Colonel Pembroke," said he, "I have a trifling bill here--I am really +ashamed to speak to you about such a trifle--but as we are settling all +accounts--and as this White, the weaver, is so wretchedly poor, that he +or some of his family are with me every day of my life dunning me to get +me to speak about their little demand--" + +"Who is this White?" said Mr. Pembroke. + +"You recollect the elegant waistcoat pattern of which you afterwards +bought up the whole piece, lest it should become common and +vulgar?--this White was the weaver from whom we got it." + +"Bless me! why that's two years ago: I thought that fellow was paid long +ago!" + +"No, indeed, I wish he had been; for he has been the torment of my life +this many a month--I never saw people so eager about their money." + +"But why do you employ such miserable, greedy creatures? What can you +expect but to be dunned every hour of your life?" + +"Very true, indeed, colonel; it is what I always, on that principle, +avoid as far as possibly I can: but I can't blame myself in this +particular instance; for this White, at the time I employed him first, +was a very decent man, and in a very good way, for one of his sort: but +I suppose he has taken to drink, for he is worth not a farthing now." + +"What business has a fellow of his sort to drink? He should leave that +for his betters," said Colonel Pembroke, laughing. "Drinking's too +great a pleasure for a weaver. The drunken rascal's money is safer in my +hands, tell him, than in his own." + +The tailor's conscience twinged him a little at this instant, for he +had spoken entirely at random, not having the slightest grounds for his +insinuation that this poor weaver had ruined himself by drunkenness. + +"Upon my word, sir," said Close, retracting, "the man may not be a +drunken fellow for any thing I know positively--I purely surmised _that_ +might be the case, from his having fallen into such distress, which is +no otherwise accountable for, to my comprehension, except we believe his +own story, that he has money due to him which he cannot get paid, and +that this has been his ruin." + +Colonel Pembroke cleared his throat two or three times upon hearing +this last suggestion, and actually took up the weaver's bill with some +intention of paying it; but he recollected that he should want the ready +money he had in his pocket for another indispensable occasion; for +he was _obliged_ to go to Brookes's that night; so he contented his +humanity by recommending it to Mr. Close to pay White and have done with +him. + +"If you let him have the money, you know, you can put it down to my +account, or make a memorandum of it at the back of the bond. In short, +settle it as you will, but let me hear no more about it. I have not +leisure to think of such trifles--Good morning to you, Mr. Close." + +Mr. Close was far from having any intention of complying with the +colonel's request. When the weaver's wife called upon him after his +return home, he assured her that he had not seen the colour of one +guinea, or one farthing, of Colonel Pembroke's money; and that it was +absolutely impossible that he could pay Mr. White till he was paid +himself--that it could not be expected he should advance money for any +body out of his own pocket--that he begged he might not be pestered and +dunned any more, for that _he really had not leisure to think of such +trifles_. + +For want of this trifle, of which neither the fashionable colonel nor +his fashionable tailor had leisure to think, the poor weaver and +his whole family were reduced to the last degree of human misery--to +absolute famine. The man had exerted himself to the utmost to finish a +pattern, which had been bespoken for a tradesman who promised upon the +delivery of it to pay him five guineas in hand. This money he received; +but four guineas of it were due to his landlord for rent of his wretched +garret, and the remaining guinea was divided between the baker, to whom +an old bill was due, and the apothecary, to whom they were obliged +to have recourse, as the weaver was extremely ill. They had literally +nothing now to depend upon but what the wife and daughter could earn +by needlework; and they were known to be so miserably poor, that the +_prudent_ neighbours did not like to trust them with plain work, lest +it should not be returned safely. Besides, in such a dirty place as they +lived in, how could it be expected that they should put any work out +of their hands decently clean? The woman to whom the house belonged, +however, at last procured them work from Mrs. Carver, a widow lady, who +she said was extremely charitable. She advised Anne to carry home the +work as soon as it was finished, and to wait to see the lady herself, +who might perhaps be as charitable to her as she was to many others. +Anne resolved to take this advice: but when she carried home her work +to the place to which she was directed, her heart almost failed her; +for she found Mrs. Carver lived in such a handsome house, that there was +little chance of a poor girl being admitted by the servants farther than +the hall-door or the kitchen. The lady, however, happened to be just +coming out of her parlour at the moment the hall-door was opened +for Anne; and she bid her come in and show her work--approved of +it--commended her industry--asked her several questions about her +family--seemed to be touched with compassion by Anne's account of +their distress--and after paying what she had charged for the work, put +half-a-guinea into her hand, and bid her call the next day, when +she hoped that she should be able to do something more for her. This +unexpected bounty, and the kindness of voice and look with which it was +accompanied, had such an effect upon the poor girl, that if she had not +caught hold of a chair to support herself she would have sunk to the +ground. Mrs. Carver immediately made her sit down--"Oh, madam! I'm well, +quite well now--it was nothing--only surprise," said she, bursting into +tears. "I beg your pardon for this foolishness--but it is only because +I'm weaker to-day than usual, for want of eating." + +"For want of eating! my poor child! How she trembles! she is weak +indeed, and must not leave my house in this condition." + +Mrs. Carver rang the bell, and ordered a glass of wine; but Anne was +afraid to drink it, as she was not used to wine, and as she knew that it +would affect her head if she drank without eating. When the lady found +that she refused the wine, she did not press it, but insisted upon her +eating something. + +"Oh, madam!" said the poor girl, "it is long, long indeed, since I have +eaten so heartily; and it is almost a shame for me to stay eating such +dainties, when my father and mother are all the while in the way they +are. But I'll run home with the half-guinea, and tell them how good you +have been, and they will be so joyful and so thankful to you! My mother +will come herself, I'm sure, with me to-morrow morning--she can thank +you so much better than I can!" + +Those only who have known the extreme of want can imagine the joy and +gratitude with which the half-guinea was received by this poor family. +Half-a-guinea!--Colonel Pembroke spent six half-guineas this very day +in a fruit-shop, and ten times that sum at a jeweller's on seals and +baubles for which he had no manner of use. + +When Anne and her mother called the next morning to thank their +benefactress, she was not up; but her servant gave them a parcel from +his mistress: it contained a fresh supply of needlework, a gown, and +some other clothes, which were directed _for Anne_. The servant said, +that if she would call again about eight in the evening, his lady +would probably be able to see her, and that she begged to have the +work finished by that time. The work was finished, though with some +difficulty, by the appointed hour; and Anne, dressed in her new clothes, +was at Mrs. Carver's door just as the clock struck eight. The old lady +was alone at tea; she seemed to be well pleased by Anne's punctuality; +said that she had made inquiries respecting Mr. and Mrs. White, and +that she heard an excellent character of them; that therefore she was +disposed to do every thing she could to serve them. She added, that she +"should soon part with her own maid, and that perhaps Anne might supply +her place." Nothing could be more agreeable to the poor girl than this +proposal: her father and mother were rejoiced at the idea of seeing her +so well placed; and they now looked forward impatiently for the day when +Mrs. Carver's maid was to be dismissed. In the mean time the old +lady continued to employ Anne, and to make her presents, sometimes +of clothes, and sometimes of money. The money she always gave to her +parents; and she loved her "good old lady," as she always called her, +more for putting it in her power thus to help her father and mother +than for all the rest. The weaver's disease had arisen from want of +sufficient food, from fatigue of body, and anxiety of mind; and he grew +rapidly better, now that he was relieved from want, and inspired with +hope. Mrs. Carver bespoke from him two pieces of waistcoating, which +she promised to dispose of for him most advantageously, by a raffle, for +which she had raised subscriptions amongst her numerous acquaintance. +She expressed great indignation, when Anne told her how Mr. White had +been ruined by persons who would not pay their just debts; and when +she knew that the weaver was overcharged for all his working materials, +because he took them upon credit, she generously offered to lend them +whatever ready money might be necessary, which she said Anne might +repay, at her leisure, out of her wages. + +"Oh, madam!" said Anne, "you are too good to us, indeed--too good! and +if you could but see into our hearts, you would know that we are not +ungrateful." + +"I am sure _that_ is what you never will be, my dear," said the old +lady; "at least such is my opinion of you." + +"Thank you, ma'am! thank you, from the bottom of my heart!--We should +all have been starved, if it had not been for you. And it is owing to +you that we are so happy now--quite different creatures from what we +were." + +"Quite a different creature indeed, you look, child, from what you did +the first day I saw you. To-morrow my own maid goes, and you may come at +ten o'clock; and I hope we shall agree very well together--you'll find +me an easy mistress, and I make no doubt I shall always find you the +good, grateful girl you seem to be." + +Anne was impatient for the moment when she was to enter into the service +of her benefactress; and she lay awake half the night, considering how +she should ever be able to show sufficient gratitude. As Mrs. Carver had +often expressed her desire to have Anne look neat and smart, she dressed +herself as well as she possibly could; and when her poor father and +mother took leave of her, they could not help observing, as Mrs. Carver +had done the day before, that "Anne looked quite a different creature +from what she was a few weeks ago." She was, indeed, an extremely pretty +girl; but we need not stop to relate all the fond praises that were +bestowed upon her beauty by her partial parents. Her little brother John +was not at home when she was going away; he was at a carpenter's shop +in the neighbourhood mending a wheelbarrow, which belonged to that +good-natured orange-woman who gave him the orange for his father. Anne +called at the carpenter's shop to take leave of her brother. The woman +was there waiting for her barrow--she looked earnestly at Anne when she +entered, and then whispered to the boy, "Is that your sister?"--"Yes," +said the boy, "and as good a sister she is as ever was born." + +"Maybe so," said the woman; "but she is not likely to be good for much +long, in the way she is going on now." + +"What way--what do you mean?" said Anne, colouring violently. + +"Oh, you understand me well enough, though you look so innocent." + +"I do not understand you in the least." + +"No!--Why, is not it you that I see going almost every day to that house +in Chiswell-street?" + +"Mrs. Carver's?--Yes." + +"Mrs. Carver's indeed!" cried the woman, throwing an orange-peel from +her with an air of disdain--"a pretty come-off indeed! as if I did not +know her name, and all about her, as well as you do." + +"Do you?" said Anne; "then I am sure you know one of the best women in +the world." + +The woman looked still more earnestly than before in Anne's countenance; +and then, taking hold of both her hands, exclaimed, "You poor young +creature! what are you about? I do believe you don't know what you are +about--if you do, you are the greatest cheat I ever looked in the face, +long as I've lived in this cheating world." + +"You frighten my sister," said the boy: "do pray tell her what you mean +at once, for look how pale she turns!" + +"So much the better, for now I have good hope of her. Then to tell you +all at once--no matter how I frighten her, it's for her good--this Mrs. +Carver, as you call her, is only Mrs. Carver when she wants to pass upon +such as you for a good woman." + +"To pass for a good woman!" repeated Anne, with indignation. "Oh, she +is, she is a good woman--you do not know her as I do." + +"I know her a great deal better, I tell you: if you choose not to +believe me, go your ways--go to your ruin--go to your shame--go to your +grave--as hundreds have gone, by the same road, before you. Your Mrs. +Carver keeps two houses, and one of them is a bad house--and that's the +house you'll soon go to, if you trust to her: now you know the whole +truth." + +The poor girl was shocked so much, that for several minutes she could +neither speak nor think. As soon as she had recovered sufficient +presence of mind to consider what she should do, she declared that she +would that instant go home and put on her rags again, and return to the +wicked Mrs. Carver all the clothes she had given her. + +"But what will become of us all?--She has lent my father money--a great +deal of money. How can he pay her?--Oh, I will pay her all--I will go +into some honest service, now I am well and strong enough to do any sort +of hard work, and God knows I am willing." + +Full of these resolutions, Anne hurried home, intending to tell her +father and mother all that had happened; but they were neither of them +within. She flew to the mistress of the house, who had first recommended +her to Mrs. Carver, and reproached her in the most moving terms which +the agony of her mind could suggest. Her landlady listened to her with +astonishment, either real or admirably well affected--declared that +she knew nothing more of Mrs. Carver but that she lived in a large fine +house, and that she had been very charitable to some poor people in +Moorfields--that she bore the best of characters--and that if nothing +could be said against her but by an orange-woman, there was no great +reason to believe such scandal. + +Anne now began to think that the whole of what she had heard might be +a falsehood, or a mistake; one moment she blamed herself for so easily +suspecting a person who had shown her so much kindness; but the next +minute the emphatic words and warning looks of the woman recurred to her +mind; and though they were but the words and looks of an orange-woman, +she could not help dreading that there was some truth in them. The clock +struck ten whilst she was in this uncertainty. The woman of the house +urged her to go without farther delay to Mrs. Carver's, who would +undoubtedly be displeased by any want of punctuality; but Anne wished to +wait for the return of her father and mother. + +"They will not be back, either of them, these three hours, for your +mother is gone to the other end of the town about that old bill of +Colonel Pembroke's, and your father is gone to buy some silk for +weaving--he told me he should not be home before three o'clock." + +Notwithstanding these remonstrances, Anne persisted in her resolution: +she took off the clothes which she had received from Mrs. Carver, +and put on those which she had been used to wear. Her mother was much +surprised, when she came in, to see her in this condition; and no words +can describe her grief, when she heard the cause of this change. She +blamed herself severely for not having made inquiries concerning Mrs. +Carver before she had suffered her daughter to accept of any presents +from her; and she wept bitterly, when she recollected the money which +this woman had lent her husband. + +"She will throw him into jail, I am sure she will--we shall be worse off +a thousand times than ever we were in our worst days. The work that is +in the loom, by which he hoped to get so much, is all for her, and it +will be left upon our hands now; and how are we to pay the woman of this +house for the lodgings?----Oh! I see it all coming upon us at once," +continued the poor woman, wringing her hands. "If that Colonel Pembroke +would but let us have our own!--But there I've been all the morning +hunting him out, and at last, when I did see him, he only swore, and +said we were all a family of _duns_, or some such nonsense. And then he +called after me from the top of his fine stairs, just to say, that he +had ordered Close the tailor to pay us; and when I went to him there was +no satisfaction to be got from him--his shop was full of customers, and +he hustled me away, giving me for answer, that when Colonel Pembroke +paid him, he would pay us, and no sooner. Ah! these purse-proud +tradesfolk, and these sparks of fashion, what do they know of all we +suffer? What do they care for us?--It is not for charity I ask any of +them--only for what my own husband has justly earned, and hardly toiled +for too; and this I cannot get out of their hands. If I could, we might +defy this wicked woman--but now we are laid under her feet, and she will +trample us to death." + +In the midst of these lamentations, Anne's father came in: when he +learned the cause of them, he stood for a moment in silence; then +snatched from his daughter's hand the bundle of clothes, which she had +prepared to return to Mrs. Carver. + +"Give them to me; I will go to this woman myself," cried he with +indignation: "Anne shall never more set her foot within those doors." + +"Dear father," cried Anne, stopping him as he went out of the door, +"perhaps it is all a mistake: do pray inquire from somebody else before +you speak to Mrs. Carver--she looks so good, she has been so kind to +me, I cannot believe that she is wicked. Do pray inquire of a great many +people before you knock at the door." + +He promised that he would do all his daughter desired. + +With most impatient anxiety they waited for his return: the time of his +absence appeared insupportably long, and they formed new fears and new +conjectures every instant. Every time they heard a footstep upon +the stairs, they ran out to see who it was: sometimes it was the +landlady--sometimes the lodgers or their visitors--at last came the +person they longed to see; but the moment they beheld him, all their +fears were confirmed. He was pale as death, and his lips trembled +with convulsive motion. He walked directly up to his loom, and without +speaking one syllable, began to cut the unfinished work out of it. + +"What are you about, my dear?" cried his wife. "Consider what you are +about--this work of yours is the only dependence we have in the world." + +"You have nothing in this world to depend upon, I tell you," cried he, +continuing to cut out the web with a hurried hand--"you must not depend +on me--you must not depend on my work--I shall never throw this shuttle +more whilst I live--think of me as if I was dead--to-morrow I shall be +dead to you--I shall be in a jail, and there must lie till carried out +in my coffin. Here, take this work just as it is to our landlady--she +met me on the stairs, and said she must have her rent directly--that +will pay her--I'll pay all I can. As for the loom, that's only +hired--the silk I bought to-day will pay the hire--I'll pay all my debts +to the uttermost farthing, as far as I am able--but the ten guineas +to that wicked woman I cannot pay--so I must rot in a jail. Don't cry, +Anne, don't cry so, my good girl--you'll break my heart, wife, if you +take on so. Why! have not we one comfort, that let us go out of this +world when we may, or how we may, we shall go out of it honest, having +no one's ruin to answer for, having done our duty to God and man, as far +as we are able?--My child," continued he, catching Anne in his arms, "I +have you safe, and I thank God for it!" + +When this poor man had thus in an incoherent manner given vent to his +first feelings, he became somewhat more composed, and was able to relate +all that had passed between him and Mrs. Carver. The inquiries which he +made before he saw her sufficiently confirmed the orange-woman's story; +and when he returned the presents which Anne had unfortunately received, +Mrs. Carver, with all the audacity of a woman hardened in guilt, avowed +her purpose and her profession--declared that whatever ignorance and +innocence Anne or her parents might now find it convenient to affect, +she was "confident they had all the time perfectly understood what she +was about, and that she would not be cheated at last by a parcel of +swindling hypocrites." With horrid imprecations she then swore, that if +Anne was kept from her she would have vengeance--and that her vengeance +should know no bounds. The event showed that these were not empty +threats--the very next day she sent two bailiffs to arrest Anne's +father. They met him in the street, as he was going to pay the last +farthing he had to the baker. The wretched man in vain endeavoured to +move the ear of justice by relating the simple truth. Mrs. Carver was +rich--her victim was poor. He was committed to jail; and he entered his +prison with the firm belief, that there he must drag out the remainder +of his days. + +One faint hope remained in his wife's heart--she imagined that if she +could but prevail upon Colonel Pembroke's servants, either to obtain +for her a sight of their master, or if they would carry to him a letter +containing an exact account of her distress, he would immediately pay +the fourteen pounds which had been so long due. With this money she +could obtain her husband's liberty, and she fancied all might yet be +well. Her son, who could write a very legible hand, wrote the petition. +"Ah, mother!" said he, "don't hope that Colonel Pembroke will read +it--he will tear it to pieces, as he did one that I carried him before." + +"I can but try," said she; "I cannot believe that any gentleman is so +cruel, and so unjust--he must and will pay us when he knows the whole +truth." + +Colonel Pembroke was dressing in a hurry, to go to a great dinner at the +Crown and Anchor tavern. One of Pembroke's gay companions had called, +and was in the room waiting for him. It was at this inauspicious time +that Mrs. White arrived. Her petition the servant at first absolutely +refused to take from her hands; but at last a young lad, whom the +colonel had lately brought from the country, and who had either more +natural feeling, or less acquired power of equivocating, than his +fellows, consented to carry up the petition, when he should, as he +expected, be called by his master to report the state of a favourite +horse that was sick. While his master's hair was dressing, the lad was +summoned; and when the health of the horse had been anxiously inquired +into, the lad with country awkwardness scratched his head, and laid the +petition before his master, saying--"Sir, there's a poor woman below +waiting for an answer; and if so be what she says is true, as I take it +to be, 'tis enough to break one's heart." + +"Your heart, my lad, is not seasoned to London yet, I perceive," said +Colonel Pembroke, smiling; "why, your heart will be broke a thousand +times over by every beggar you meet." + +"No, no; I be too much of a man for that," replied the groom, wiping his +eyes hastily with the back of his hand--"not such a noodle as that comes +to, neither--beggars are beggars, and so to be treated--but this woman, +sir, is no common beggar, not she; nor is she begging any ways--only to +be paid her bill--so I brought it, as I was coming up." + +"Then, sir, as you are going down, you may take it down again, if you +please," cried Colonel Pembroke; "and in future, sir, I recommend it +to you to look after your horses, and to trust me to look after my own +affairs." + +The groom retreated; and his master gave the poor woman's petition, +without reading it, to the hair-dresser, who was looking for a piece of +paper to try the heat of his irons. + +"I should be pestered with bills and petitions from morning till night, +if I did not frighten these fellows out of the trick of bringing them +to me," continued Colonel Pembroke, turning to his companion. "That +blockhead of a groom is but just come to town; he does not yet know how +to drive away a dun--but he'll learn. They say that the American dogs +did not know how to bark, till they learnt it from their civilized +betters." + +Colonel Pembroke habitually drove away reflection, and silenced the +whispers of conscience, by noisy declamation, or sallies of wit. + +At the bottom of the singed paper, which the hair-dresser left on the +table, the name of White was sufficiently visible. "White!" exclaimed +Colonel Pembroke, "as I hope to live and breathe, these Whites have been +this half-year the torment of my life." He started up, rang the bell, +and gave immediate orders to his servant, that _these Whites_ should +never more be let in, and that no more of their bills and petitions in +any form whatever should be brought to him. "I'll punish them for their +insolence--I won't pay them one farthing this twelvemonth: and if the +woman is not gone, pray tell her so--I bid Close the tailor pay them: +if he has not, it is no fault of mine. Let me not hear a syllable more +about it--I'll part with the first of you who dares to disobey me." + +"The woman is gone, I believe, sir," said the footman; "it was not I let +her in, and I refused to bring up the letter." + +"You did right. Let me hear no more about the matter. We shall be +late at the Crown and Anchor. I beg your pardon, my dear friend, for +detaining you so long." + +Whilst the colonel went to his jovial meeting, where he was the life and +spirit of the company, the poor woman returned in despair to the prison +where her husband was confined. + +We forbear to describe the horrible situation to which this family +were soon reduced. Beyond a certain point, the human heart cannot feel +compassion. + +One day, as Anne was returning from the prison, where she had been with +her father, she was met by a porter, who put a letter into her hands, +then turned down a narrow lane, and was out of sight before she could +inquire from whom he came. When she read the letter, however, she could +not be in doubt--it came from Mrs. Carver, and contained these words:-- + +"You can gain nothing by your present obstinacy--you are the cause +of your father's lying in jail, and of your mother's being as she is, +nearly starved to death. You can relieve them from misery worse than +death, and place them in ease and comfort for the remainder of their +days. Be assured, they do not speak sincerley to you, when they pretend +not to wish that your compliance should put an end to their present +sufferings. It is you that are cruel to them--it is you that are cruel +to yourself, and can blame nobody else. You might live all your days +in a house as good as mine, and have a plentiful table served from one +year's end to another, with all the dainties of the season, and you +might be dressed as elegantly as the most elegant lady in London (which, +by-the-bye, your beauty deserves), and you would have servants of your +own, and a carriage of your own, and nothing to do all day long but +take your pleasure. And after all, what is asked of you?--only to make +a person happy, whom half the town would envy you, that would make it a +study to gratify you in every wish of your heart. The person alluded to +you have seen, and more than once, when you have been talking to me of +work in my parlour. He is a very rich and generous gentleman. If you +come to Chiswell-street about six this evening, you will find all I say +true--if not, you and yours must take the consequences." + + * * * * * + +Coarse as the eloquence of this letter may appear, Anne could not read +it without emotion: it raised in her heart a violent contest. Virtue, +with poverty and famine, were on one side--and vice, with affluence, +love, and every worldly pleasure, on the other. + +Those who have been bred up in the lap of luxury; whom the breath of +heaven has never visited too roughly; whose minds from their earliest +infancy have been guarded even with more care than their persons; who in +the dangerous season of youth are surrounded by all that the solicitude +of experienced friends, and all that polished society, can devise for +their security; are not perhaps competent to judge of the temptations by +which beauty in the lower classes of life may be assailed. They who have +never seen a father in prison, or a mother perishing for want of the +absolute necessaries of life--they who have never themselves known the +cravings of famine, cannot form an adequate idea of this poor girl's +feelings, and of the temptation to which she was now exposed. She +wept--she hesitated--and "the woman that deliberates is lost." Perhaps +those who are the most truly virtuous of her sex will be the most +disposed to feel for this poor creature, who was literally half famished +before her good resolutions were conquered. At last she yielded to +necessity. At the appointed hour she was in Mrs. Carver's house. This +woman received her with triumph--she supplied Anne immediately with +food, and then hastened to deck out her victim in the most attractive +manner. The girl was quite passive in her hand. She promised, though +scarcely knowing that she uttered the words, to obey the instructions +that were given to her, and she suffered herself without struggle, +or apparent emotion, to be led to destruction. She appeared quite +insensible--but at last she was roused from this state of stupefaction, +by the voice of a person with whom she found herself alone. The +stranger, who was a young and gay gentleman, pleasing both in his +person and manners, attempted by every possible means to render himself +agreeable to her, to raise her spirits, and calm her apprehensions. By +degrees his manner changed from levity to tenderness. He represented +to her, that he was not a brutal wretch, who could be gratified by +any triumph in which the affections of the heart have no share; and he +assured her, that in any connexion which she might be prevailed upon to +form with him, she should be treated with honour and delicacy. + +Touched by his manner of speaking, and overpowered by the sense of her +own situation, Anne could not reply one single word to all he said--but +burst into an agony of tears, and sinking on her knees before him, +exclaimed, "Save me! save me from myself!--Restore me to my parents, +before they have reason to hate me." + +The gentleman seemed to be somewhat in doubt whether this was _acting_ +or nature: but he raised Anne from the ground, and placed her upon a +seat beside him. "Am I to understand, then, that I have been deceived, +and that our present meeting is against your own consent?" + +"No, I cannot say that--oh, how I wish that I could!--I did wrong, very +wrong, to come here--but I repent--I was half-starved--I have a father +in jail--I thought I could set him free with the money----but I will +not pretend to be better than I am--I believe I thought that, beside +relieving my father, I should live all my days without ever more knowing +what distress is--and I thought I should be happy--but now I have +changed my mind--I never could be happy with a bad conscience--I +know--by what I have felt this last hour." + +Her voice failed; and she sobbed for some moments without being able to +speak. The gentleman, who now was convinced that she was quite +artless and thoroughly in earnest, was struck with compassion; but his +compassion was not unmixed with other feelings, and he had hopes that, +by treating her with tenderness, he should in time make it her wish to +live with him as his mistress. He was anxious to hear what her former +way of life had been; and she related, at his request, the circumstances +by which she and her parents had been reduced to such distress. His +countenance presently showed how much he was interested in her story--he +grew red and pale--he started from his seat, and walked up and down the +room in great agitation, till at last, when she mentioned the name of +Colonel Pembroke, he stopped short, and exclaimed, "I am the man--I am +Colonel Pembroke--I am that unjust, unfeeling wretch! How often, in the +bitterness of your hearts, you must have cursed me!" + +"Oh, no--my father, when he was at the worst, never cursed you; and I am +sure he will have reason to bless you now, if you send his daughter back +again to him, such as she was when she left him." + +"That shall be done," said Colonel Pembroke; "and in doing so, I make +some sacrifice, and have some merit. It is time I should make some +reparation for the evils I have occasioned," continued he, taking +a handful of guineas from his pocket: "but first let me pay my just +debts." + +"My poor father!" exclaimed Anne; "to-morrow he will be out of prison." + +"I will go with you to the prison, where your father is confined--I will +force myself to behold all the evils I have occasioned." + +Colonel Pembroke went to the prison; and he was so much struck by the +scene, that he not only relieved the misery of this family, but in two +months afterwards his debts were paid, his race-horses sold, and all +his expenses regulated, so as to render him ever afterwards truly +independent. He no longer spent his days, like many young men of +fashion, either in DREADING or in DAMNING DUNS. + +_Edgeworthstown_, 1802. + + +THE END. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Tales And Novels, Volume 4 (of 10), by +Maria Edgeworth + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TALES AND NOVELS, VOLUME 4 (OF 10) *** + +***** This file should be named 9439-8.txt or 9439-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/4/3/9439/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Tapio Riikonen and PG +Distributed Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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