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diff --git a/927-h/927-h.htm b/927-h/927-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7cd4896 --- /dev/null +++ b/927-h/927-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1296 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>The Lamplighter, by Charles Dickens</title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + P { margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + P.gutsumm { margin-left: 5%;} + P.poetry {margin-left: 3%; } + .GutSmall { font-size: 0.7em; } + H1, H2 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + } + H3, H4, H5 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + } + BODY{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + table { border-collapse: collapse; } +table {margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + td { vertical-align: top; border: 1px solid black;} + td p { margin: 0.2em; } + .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .pagenum {position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-weight: normal; + color: gray; + } + img { border: none; } + img.dc { float: left; width: 50px; height: 50px; } + p.gutindent { margin-left: 2em; } + div.gapspace { height: 0.8em; } + div.gapline { height: 0.8em; width: 100%; border-top: 1px solid;} + div.gapmediumline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + div.gapmediumdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; + margin-left: 40%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid; } + div.gapdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 50%; + margin-left: 25%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; margin-left:40%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + .citation {vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none;} + img.floatleft { float: left; + margin-right: 1em; + margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.floatright { float: right; + margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.clearcenter {display: block; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em} + --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Lamplighter, by Charles Dickens + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + + +Title: The Lamplighter + + +Author: Charles Dickens + + + +Release Date: January 11, 2015 [eBook #927] +[This file was first posted on May 30, 1997] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LAMPLIGHTER*** +</pre> +<p>Transcribed from the 1905 Chapman & Hall edition (<i>The +Works of Charles Dickens</i>, volume 28) by David Price, email +ccx074@pglaf.org</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/coverb.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Book cover" +title= +"Book cover" + src="images/covers.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<h1><span class="smcap">The Lamplighter</span></h1> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">By CHARLES DICKENS</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">LONDON: CHAPMAN & HALL, LD.<br +/> +NEW YORK: CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS<br /> +1905</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p>‘<span class="smcap">If</span> you talk of Murphy and +Francis Moore, gentlemen,’ said the lamplighter who was in +the chair, ‘I mean to say that neither of ’em ever +had any more to do with the stars than Tom Grig had.’</p> +<p>‘And what had <i>he</i> to do with ’em?’ +asked the lamplighter who officiated as vice.</p> +<p>‘Nothing at all,’ replied the other; ‘just +exactly nothing at all.’</p> +<p>‘Do you mean to say you don’t believe in Murphy, +then?’ demanded the lamplighter who had opened the +discussion.</p> +<p>‘I mean to say I believe in Tom Grig,’ replied the +chairman. ‘Whether I believe in Murphy, or not, is a +matter between me and my conscience; and whether Murphy believes +in himself, or not, is a matter between him and his +conscience. Gentlemen, I drink your healths.’</p> +<p>The lamplighter who did the company this honour, was seated in +the chimney-corner of a certain tavern, which has been, time out +of mind, the Lamplighters’ House of Call. He sat in +the midst of a circle of lamplighters, and was the cacique, or +chief of the tribe.</p> +<p>If any of our readers have had the good fortune to behold a +lamplighter’s funeral, they will not be surprised to learn +that lamplighters are a strange and primitive people; that they +rigidly adhere to old ceremonies and customs which have been +handed down among them from father to son since the first public +lamp was lighted out of doors; that they intermarry, and betroth +their children in infancy; that they enter into no plots or +conspiracies (for who ever heard of a traitorous lamplighter?); +that they commit no crimes against the laws of their country +(there being no instance of a murderous or burglarious +lamplighter); that they are, in short, notwithstanding their +apparently volatile and restless character, a highly moral and +reflective people: having among themselves as many traditional +observances as the Jews, and being, as a body, if not as old as +the hills, at least as old as the streets. It is an article +of their creed that the first faint glimmering of true +civilisation shone in the first street-light maintained at the +public expense. They trace their existence and high +position in the public esteem, in a direct line to the heathen +mythology; and hold that the history of Prometheus himself is but +a pleasant fable, whereof the true hero is a lamplighter.</p> +<p>‘Gentlemen,’ said the lamplighter in the chair, +‘I drink your healths.’</p> +<p>‘And perhaps, Sir,’ said the vice, holding up his +glass, and rising a little way off his seat and sitting down +again, in token that he recognised and returned the compliment, +‘perhaps you will add to that condescension by telling us +who Tom Grig was, and how he came to be connected in your mind +with Francis Moore, Physician.’</p> +<p>‘Hear, hear, hear!’ cried the lamplighters +generally.</p> +<p>‘Tom Grig, gentlemen,’ said the chairman, +‘was one of us; and it happened to him, as it don’t +often happen to a public character in our line, that he had his +what-you-may-call-it cast.’</p> +<p>‘His head?’ said the vice.</p> +<p>‘No,’ replied the chairman, ‘not his +head.’</p> +<p>‘His face, perhaps?’ said the vice. +‘No, not his face.’ ‘His +legs?’ ‘No, not his legs.’ Nor yet +his arms, nor his hands, nor his feet, nor his chest, all of +which were severally suggested.</p> +<p>‘His nativity, perhaps?’</p> +<p>‘That’s it,’ said the chairman, awakening +from his thoughtful attitude at the suggestion. ‘His +nativity. That’s what Tom had cast, +gentlemen.’</p> +<p>‘In plaster?’ asked the vice.</p> +<p>‘I don’t rightly know how it’s done,’ +returned the chairman. ‘But I suppose it +was.’</p> +<p>And there he stopped as if that were all he had to say; +whereupon there arose a murmur among the company, which at length +resolved itself into a request, conveyed through the vice, that +he would go on. This being exactly what the chairman +wanted, he mused for a little time, performed that agreeable +ceremony which is popularly termed wetting one’s whistle, +and went on thus:</p> +<p>‘Tom Grig, gentlemen, was, as I have said, one of us; +and I may go further, and say he was an ornament to us, and such +a one as only the good old times of oil and cotton could have +produced. Tom’s family, gentlemen, were all +lamplighters.’</p> +<p>‘Not the ladies, I hope?’ asked the vice.</p> +<p>‘They had talent enough for it, Sir,’ rejoined the +chairman, ‘and would have been, but for the prejudices of +society. Let women have their rights, Sir, and the females +of Tom’s family would have been every one of ’em in +office. But that emancipation hasn’t come yet, and +hadn’t then, and consequently they confined themselves to +the bosoms of their families, cooked the dinners, mended the +clothes, minded the children, comforted their husbands, and +attended to the house-keeping generally. It’s a hard +thing upon the women, gentlemen, that they are limited to such a +sphere of action as this; very hard.</p> +<p>‘I happen to know all about Tom, gentlemen, from the +circumstance of his uncle by his mother’s side, having been +my particular friend. His (that’s Tom’s +uncle’s) fate was a melancholy one. Gas was the death +of him. When it was first talked of, he laughed. He +wasn’t angry; he laughed at the credulity of human +nature. “They might as well talk,” he says, +“of laying on an everlasting succession of +glow-worms;” and then he laughed again, partly at his joke, +and partly at poor humanity.</p> +<p>‘In course of time, however, the thing got ground, the +experiment was made, and they lighted up Pall Mall. +Tom’s uncle went to see it. I’ve heard that he +fell off his ladder fourteen times that night, from weakness, and +that he would certainly have gone on falling till he killed +himself, if his last tumble hadn’t been into a wheelbarrow +which was going his way, and humanely took him home. +“I foresee in this,” says Tom’s uncle faintly, +and taking to his bed as he spoke—“I foresee in +this,” he says, “the breaking up of our +profession. There’s no more going the rounds to trim +by daylight, no more dribbling down of the oil on the hats and +bonnets of ladies and gentlemen when one feels in spirits. +Any low fellow can light a gas-lamp. And it’s all +up.” In this state of mind, he petitioned the +government for—I want a word again, gentlemen—what do +you call that which they give to people when it’s found +out, at last, that they’ve never been of any use, and have +been paid too much for doing nothing?’</p> +<p>‘Compensation?’ suggested the vice.</p> +<p>‘That’s it,’ said the chairman. +‘Compensation. They didn’t give it him, though, +and then he got very fond of his country all at once, and went +about saying that gas was a death-blow to his native land, and +that it was a plot of the radicals to ruin the country and +destroy the oil and cotton trade for ever, and that the whales +would go and kill themselves privately, out of sheer spite and +vexation at not being caught. At last he got right-down +cracked; called his tobacco-pipe a gas-pipe; thought his tears +were lamp-oil; and went on with all manner of nonsense of that +sort, till one night he hung himself on a lamp-iron in Saint +Martin’s Lane, and there was an end of <i>him</i>.</p> +<p>‘Tom loved him, gentlemen, but he survived it. He +shed a tear over his grave, got very drunk, spoke a funeral +oration that night in the watch-house, and was fined five +shillings for it, in the morning. Some men are none the +worse for this sort of thing. Tom was one of +’em. He went that very afternoon on a new beat: as +clear in his head, and as free from fever as Father Mathew +himself.</p> +<p>‘Tom’s new beat, gentlemen, was—I +can’t exactly say where, for that he’d never tell; +but I know it was in a quiet part of town, where there were some +queer old houses. I have always had it in my head that it +must have been somewhere near Canonbury Tower in Islington, but +that’s a matter of opinion. Wherever it was, he went +upon it, with a bran-new ladder, a white hat, a brown holland +jacket and trousers, a blue neck-kerchief, and a sprig of +full-blown double wall-flower in his button-hole. Tom was +always genteel in his appearance, and I have heard from the best +judges, that if he had left his ladder at home that afternoon, +you might have took him for a lord.</p> +<p>‘He was always merry, was Tom, and such a singer, that +if there was any encouragement for native talent, he’d have +been at the opera. He was on his ladder, lighting his first +lamp, and singing to himself in a manner more easily to be +conceived than described, when he hears the clock strike five, +and suddenly sees an old gentleman with a telescope in his hand, +throw up a window and look at him very hard.</p> +<p>‘Tom didn’t know what could be passing in this old +gentleman’s mind. He thought it likely enough that he +might be saying within himself, “Here’s a new +lamplighter—a good-looking young fellow—shall I stand +something to drink?” Thinking this possible, he keeps +quite still, pretending to be very particular about the wick, and +looks at the old gentleman sideways, seeming to take no notice of +him.</p> +<p>‘Gentlemen, he was one of the strangest and most +mysterious-looking files that ever Tom clapped his eyes on. +He was dressed all slovenly and untidy, in a great gown of a kind +of bed-furniture pattern, with a cap of the same on his head; and +a long old flapped waistcoat; with no braces, no strings, very +few buttons—in short, with hardly any of those artificial +contrivances that hold society together. Tom knew by these +signs, and by his not being shaved, and by his not being +over-clean, and by a sort of wisdom not quite awake, in his face, +that he was a scientific old gentleman. He often told me +that if he could have conceived the possibility of the whole +Royal Society being boiled down into one man, he should have said +the old gentleman’s body was that Body.</p> +<p>‘The old gentleman claps the telescope to his eye, looks +all round, sees nobody else in sight, stares at Tom again, and +cries out very loud:</p> +<p>‘“Hal-loa!”</p> +<p>‘“Halloa, Sir,” says Tom from the ladder; +“and halloa again, if you come to that.”</p> +<p>‘“Here’s an extraordinary fulfilment,” +says the old gentleman, “of a prediction of the +planets.”</p> +<p>‘“Is there?” says Tom. +“I’m very glad to hear it.”</p> +<p>‘“Young man,” says the old gentleman, +“you don’t know me.”</p> +<p>‘“Sir,” says Tom, “I have not that +honour; but I shall be happy to drink your health, +notwithstanding.”</p> +<p>‘“I read,” cries the old gentleman, without +taking any notice of this politeness on Tom’s +part—“I read what’s going to happen, in the +stars.”</p> +<p>‘Tom thanked him for the information, and begged to know +if anything particular was going to happen in the stars, in the +course of a week or so; but the old gentleman, correcting him, +explained that he read in the stars what was going to happen on +dry land, and that he was acquainted with all the celestial +bodies.</p> +<p>‘“I hope they’re all well, Sir,” says +Tom,—“everybody.”</p> +<p>‘“Hush!” cries the old gentleman. +“I have consulted the book of Fate with rare and wonderful +success. I am versed in the great sciences of astrology and +astronomy. In my house here, I have every description of +apparatus for observing the course and motion of the +planets. Six months ago, I derived from this source, the +knowledge that precisely as the clock struck five this afternoon +a stranger would present himself—the destined husband of my +young and lovely niece—in reality of illustrious and high +descent, but whose birth would be enveloped in uncertainty and +mystery. Don’t tell me yours isn’t,” says +the old gentleman, who was in such a hurry to speak that he +couldn’t get the words out fast enough, “for I know +better.”</p> +<p>‘Gentlemen, Tom was so astonished when he heard him say +this, that he could hardly keep his footing on the ladder, and +found it necessary to hold on by the lamp-post. There +<i>was</i> a mystery about his birth. His mother had always +admitted it. Tom had never known who was his father, and +some people had gone so far as to say that even <i>she</i> was in +doubt.</p> +<p>‘While he was in this state of amazement, the old +gentleman leaves the window, bursts out of the house-door, shakes +the ladder, and Tom, like a ripe pumpkin, comes sliding down into +his arms.</p> +<p>‘“Let me embrace you,” he says, folding his +arms about him, and nearly lighting up his old bed-furniture gown +at Tom’s link. “You’re a man of noble +aspect. Everything combines to prove the accuracy of my +observations. You have had mysterious promptings within +you,” he says; “I know you have had whisperings of +greatness, eh?” he says.</p> +<p>‘“I think I have,” says Tom—Tom was +one of those who can persuade themselves to anything they +like—“I’ve often thought I wasn’t the +small beer I was taken for.”</p> +<p>‘“You were right,” cries the old gentleman, +hugging him again. “Come in. My niece awaits +us.”</p> +<p>‘“Is the young lady tolerable good-looking, +Sir?” says Tom, hanging fire rather, as he thought of her +playing the piano, and knowing French, and being up to all manner +of accomplishments.</p> +<p>‘“She’s beautiful!” cries the old +gentleman, who was in such a terrible bustle that he was all in a +perspiration. “She has a graceful carriage, an +exquisite shape, a sweet voice, a countenance beaming with +animation and expression; and the eye,” he says, rubbing +his hands, “of a startled fawn.”</p> +<p>‘Tom supposed this might mean, what was called among his +circle of acquaintance, “a game eye;” and, with a +view to this defect, inquired whether the young lady had any +cash.</p> +<p>‘“She has five thousand pounds,” cries the +old gentleman. “But what of that? what of that? +A word in your ear. I’m in search of the +philosopher’s stone. I have very nearly found +it—not quite. It turns everything to gold; +that’s its property.”</p> +<p>‘Tom naturally thought it must have a deal of property; +and said that when the old gentleman did get it, he hoped +he’d be careful to keep it in the family.</p> +<p>‘“Certainly,” he says, “of +course. Five thousand pounds! What’s five +thousand pounds to us? What’s five million?” he +says. “What’s five thousand million? +Money will be nothing to us. We shall never be able to +spend it fast enough.”</p> +<p>‘“We’ll try what we can do, Sir,” says +Tom.</p> +<p>‘“We will,” says the old gentleman. +“Your name?”</p> +<p>‘“Grig,” says Tom.</p> +<p>‘The old gentleman embraced him again, very tight; and +without speaking another word, dragged him into the house in such +an excited manner, that it was as much as Tom could do to take +his link and ladder with him, and put them down in the +passage.</p> +<p>‘Gentlemen, if Tom hadn’t been always remarkable +for his love of truth, I think you would still have believed him +when he said that all this was like a dream. There is no +better way for a man to find out whether he is really asleep or +awake, than calling for something to eat. If he’s in +a dream, gentlemen, he’ll find something wanting in +flavour, depend upon it.</p> +<p>‘Tom explained his doubts to the old gentleman, and said +that if there was any cold meat in the house, it would ease his +mind very much to test himself at once. The old gentleman +ordered up a venison pie, a small ham, and a bottle of very old +Madeira. At the first mouthful of pie and the first glass +of wine, Tom smacks his lips and cries out, “I’m +awake—wide awake;” and to prove that he was so, +gentlemen, he made an end of ’em both.</p> +<p>‘When Tom had finished his meal (which he never spoke of +afterwards without tears in his eyes), the old gentleman hugs him +again, and says, “Noble stranger! let us visit my young and +lovely niece.” Tom, who was a little elevated with +the wine, replies, “The noble stranger is +agreeable!” At which words the old gentleman took him +by the hand, and led him to the parlour; crying as he opened the +door, “Here is Mr. Grig, the favourite of the +planets!”</p> +<p>‘I will not attempt a description of female beauty, +gentlemen, for every one of us has a model of his own that suits +his own taste best. In this parlour that I’m speaking +of, there were two young ladies; and if every gentleman present, +will imagine two models of his own in their places, and will be +kind enough to polish ’em up to the very highest pitch of +perfection, he will then have a faint conception of their +uncommon radiance.</p> +<p>‘Besides these two young ladies, there was their +waiting-woman, that under any other circumstances Tom would have +looked upon as a Venus; and besides her, there was a tall, thin, +dismal-faced young gentleman, half man and half boy, dressed in a +childish suit of clothes very much too short in the legs and +arms; and looking, according to Tom’s comparison, like one +of the wax juveniles from a tailor’s door, grown up and run +to seed. Now, this youngster stamped his foot upon the +ground and looked very fierce at Tom, and Tom looked fierce at +him—for to tell the truth, gentlemen, Tom more than half +suspected that when they entered the room he was kissing one of +the young ladies; and for anything Tom knew, you observe, it +might be <i>his</i> young lady—which was not pleasant.</p> +<p>‘“Sir,” says Tom, “before we proceed +any further, will you have the goodness to inform me who this +young Salamander”—Tom called him that for +aggravation, you perceive, gentlemen—“who this young +Salamander may be?”</p> +<p>‘“That, Mr. Grig,” says the old gentleman, +“is my little boy. He was christened Galileo Isaac +Newton Flamstead. Don’t mind him. He’s a +mere child.”</p> +<p>‘“And a very fine child too,” says +Tom—still aggravating, you’ll observe—“of +his age, and as good as fine, I have no doubt. How do you +do, my man?” with which kind and patronising expressions, +Tom reached up to pat him on the head, and quoted two lines about +little boys, from Doctor Watts’s Hymns, which he had learnt +at a Sunday School.</p> +<p>‘It was very easy to see, gentlemen, by this +youngster’s frowning and by the waiting-maid’s +tossing her head and turning up her nose, and by the young ladies +turning their backs and talking together at the other end of the +room, that nobody but the old gentleman took very kindly to the +noble stranger. Indeed, Tom plainly heard the waiting-woman +say of her master, that so far from being able to read the stars +as he pretended, she didn’t believe he knew his letters in +’em, or at best that he had got further than words in one +syllable; but Tom, not minding this (for he was in spirits after +the Madeira), looks with an agreeable air towards the young +ladies, and, kissing his hand to both, says to the old gentleman, +“Which is which?”</p> +<p>‘“This,” says the old gentleman, leading out +the handsomest, if one of ’em could possibly be said to be +handsomer than the other—“this is my niece, Miss +Fanny Barker.”</p> +<p>‘“If you’ll permit me, Miss,” says +Tom, “being a noble stranger and a favourite of the +planets, I will conduct myself as such.” With these +words, he kisses the young lady in a very affable way, turns to +the old gentleman, slaps him on the back, and says, +“When’s it to come off, my buck?”</p> +<p>‘The young lady coloured so deep, and her lip trembled +so much, gentlemen, that Tom really thought she was going to +cry. But she kept her feelings down, and turning to the old +gentleman, says, “Dear uncle, though you have the absolute +disposal of my hand and fortune, and though you mean well in +disposing of ’em thus, I ask you whether you don’t +think this is a mistake? Don’t you think, dear +uncle,” she says, “that the stars must be in +error? Is it not possible that the comet may have put +’em out?”</p> +<p>‘“The stars,” says the old gentleman, +“couldn’t make a mistake if they tried. +Emma,” he says to the other young lady.</p> +<p>‘“Yes, papa,” says she.</p> +<p>‘“The same day that makes your cousin Mrs. Grig +will unite you to the gifted Mooney. No +remonstrance—no tears. Now, Mr. Grig, let me conduct +you to that hallowed ground, that philosophical retreat, where my +friend and partner, the gifted Mooney of whom I have just now +spoken, is even now pursuing those discoveries which shall enrich +us with the precious metal, and make us masters of the +world. Come, Mr. Grig,” he says.</p> +<p>‘“With all my heart, Sir,” replies Tom; +“and luck to the gifted Mooney, say I—not so much on +his account as for our worthy selves!” With this +sentiment, Tom kissed his hand to the ladies again, and followed +him out; having the gratification to perceive, as he looked back, +that they were all hanging on by the arms and legs of Galileo +Isaac Newton Flamstead, to prevent him from following the noble +stranger, and tearing him to pieces.</p> +<p>‘Gentlemen, Tom’s father-in-law that was to be, +took him by the hand, and having lighted a little lamp, led him +across a paved court-yard at the back of the house, into a very +large, dark, gloomy room: filled with all manner of bottles, +globes, books, telescopes, crocodiles, alligators, and other +scientific instruments of every kind. In the centre of this +room was a stove or furnace, with what Tom called a pot, but +which in my opinion was a crucible, in full boil. In one +corner was a sort of ladder leading through the roof; and up this +ladder the old gentleman pointed, as he said in a whisper:</p> +<p>‘“The observatory. Mr. Mooney is even now +watching for the precise time at which we are to come into all +the riches of the earth. It will be necessary for he and I, +alone in that silent place, to cast your nativity before the hour +arrives. Put the day and minute of your birth on this piece +of paper, and leave the rest to me.”</p> +<p>‘“You don’t mean to say,” says Tom, +doing as he was told and giving him back the paper, “that +I’m to wait here long, do you? It’s a precious +dismal place.”</p> +<p>‘“Hush!” says the old gentleman. +“It’s hallowed ground. Farewell!”</p> +<p>‘“Stop a minute,” says Tom. +“What a hurry you’re in! What’s in that +large bottle yonder?”</p> +<p>‘“It’s a child with three heads,” says +the old gentleman; “and everything else in +proportion.”</p> +<p>‘“Why don’t you throw him away?” says +Tom. “What do you keep such unpleasant things here +for?”</p> +<p>‘“Throw him away!” cries the old +gentleman. “We use him constantly in astrology. +He’s a charm.”</p> +<p>‘“I shouldn’t have thought it,” says +Tom, “from his appearance. <i>Must</i> you go, I +say?”</p> +<p>‘The old gentleman makes him no answer, but climbs up +the ladder in a greater bustle than ever. Tom looked after +his legs till there was nothing of him left, and then sat down to +wait; feeling (so he used to say) as comfortable as if he was +going to be made a freemason, and they were heating the +pokers.</p> +<p>‘Tom waited so long, gentlemen, that he began to think +it must be getting on for midnight at least, and felt more dismal +and lonely than ever he had done in all his life. He tried +every means of whiling away the time, but it never had seemed to +move so slow. First, he took a nearer view of the child +with three heads, and thought what a comfort it must have been to +his parents. Then he looked up a long telescope which was +pointed out of the window, but saw nothing particular, in +consequence of the stopper being on at the other end. Then +he came to a skeleton in a glass case, labelled, “Skeleton +of a Gentleman—prepared by Mr. Mooney,”—which +made him hope that Mr. Mooney might not be in the habit of +preparing gentlemen that way without their own consent. A +hundred times, at least, he looked into the pot where they were +boiling the philosopher’s stone down to the proper +consistency, and wondered whether it was nearly done. +“When it is,” thinks Tom, “I’ll send out +for six-penn’orth of sprats, and turn ’em into gold +fish for a first experiment.” Besides which, he made +up his mind, gentlemen, to have a country-house and a park; and +to plant a bit of it with a double row of gas-lamps a mile long, +and go out every night with a French-polished mahogany ladder, +and two servants in livery behind him, to light ’em for his +own pleasure.</p> +<p>‘At length and at last, the old gentleman’s legs +appeared upon the steps leading through the roof, and he came +slowly down: bringing along with him, the gifted Mooney. +This Mooney, gentlemen, was even more scientific in appearance +than his friend; and had, as Tom often declared upon his word and +honour, the dirtiest face we can possibly know of, in this +imperfect state of existence.</p> +<p>‘Gentlemen, you are all aware that if a scientific man +isn’t absent in his mind, he’s of no good at +all. Mr. Mooney was so absent, that when the old gentleman +said to him, “Shake hands with Mr. Grig,” he put out +his leg. “Here’s a mind, Mr. Grig!” cries +the old gentleman in a rapture. “Here’s +philosophy! Here’s rumination! Don’t +disturb him,” he says, “for this is +amazing!”</p> +<p>‘Tom had no wish to disturb him, having nothing +particular to say; but he was so uncommonly amazing, that the old +gentleman got impatient, and determined to give him an electric +shock to bring him to—“for you must know, Mr. +Grig,” he says, “that we always keep a strongly +charged battery, ready for that purpose.” These means +being resorted to, gentlemen, the gifted Mooney revived with a +loud roar, and he no sooner came to himself than both he and the +old gentleman looked at Tom with compassion, and shed tears +abundantly.</p> +<p>‘“My dear friend,” says the old gentleman to +the Gifted, “prepare him.”</p> +<p>‘“I say,” cries Tom, falling back, +“none of that, you know. No preparing by Mr. Mooney +if you please.”</p> +<p>‘“Alas!” replies the old gentleman, +“you don’t understand us. My friend, inform him +of his fate.—I can’t.”</p> +<p>‘The Gifted mustered up his voice, after many efforts, +and informed Tom that his nativity had been carefully cast, and +he would expire at exactly thirty-five minutes, twenty-seven +seconds, and five-sixths of a second past nine o’clock, +a.m., on that day two months.</p> +<p>‘Gentlemen, I leave you to judge what were Tom’s +feelings at this announcement, on the eve of matrimony and +endless riches. “I think,” he says in a +trembling voice, “there must be a mistake in the working of +that sum. Will you do me the favour to cast it up +again?”—“There is no mistake,” replies +the old gentleman, “it is confirmed by Francis Moore, +Physician. Here is the prediction for to-morrow two +months.” And he showed him the page, where sure +enough were these words—“The decease of a great +person may be looked for, about this time.”</p> +<p>‘“Which,” says the old gentleman, “is +clearly you, Mr. Grig.”</p> +<p>‘“Too clearly,” cries Tom, sinking into a +chair, and giving one hand to the old gentleman, and one to the +Gifted. “The orb of day has set on Thomas Grig for +ever!”</p> +<p>‘At this affecting remark, the Gifted shed tears again, +and the other two mingled their tears with his, in a +kind—if I may use the expression—of Mooney and +Co.’s entire. But the old gentleman recovering first, +observed that this was only a reason for hastening the marriage, +in order that Tom’s distinguished race might be transmitted +to posterity; and requesting the Gifted to console Mr. Grig +during his temporary absence, he withdrew to settle the +preliminaries with his niece immediately.</p> +<p>‘And now, gentlemen, a very extraordinary and remarkable +occurrence took place; for as Tom sat in a melancholy way in one +chair, and the Gifted sat in a melancholy way in another, a +couple of doors were thrown violently open, the two young ladies +rushed in, and one knelt down in a loving attitude at Tom’s +feet, and the other at the Gifted’s. So far, perhaps, +as Tom was concerned—as he used to say—you will say +there was nothing strange in this: but you will be of a different +opinion when you understand that Tom’s young lady was +kneeling to the Gifted, and the Gifted’s young lady was +kneeling to Tom.</p> +<p>‘“Halloa! stop a minute!” cries Tom; +“here’s a mistake. I need condoling with by +sympathising woman, under my afflicting circumstances; but +we’re out in the figure. Change partners, +Mooney.”</p> +<p>‘“Monster!” cries Tom’s young lady, +clinging to the Gifted.</p> +<p>‘“Miss!” says Tom. “Is +<i>that</i> your manners?”</p> +<p>‘“I abjure thee!” cries Tom’s young +lady. “I renounce thee. I never will be +thine. Thou,” she says to the Gifted, “art the +object of my first and all-engrossing passion. Wrapt in thy +sublime visions, thou hast not perceived my love; but, driven to +despair, I now shake off the woman and avow it. Oh, cruel, +cruel man!” With which reproach she laid her head +upon the Gifted’s breast, and put her arms about him in the +tenderest manner possible, gentlemen.</p> +<p>‘“And I,” says the other young lady, in a +sort of ecstasy, that made Tom start—“I hereby abjure +my chosen husband too. Hear me, Goblin!”—this +was to the Gifted—“Hear me! I hold thee in the +deepest detestation. The maddening interview of this one +night has filled my soul with love—but not for thee. +It is for thee, for thee, young man,” she cries to +Tom. “As Monk Lewis finely observes, Thomas, Thomas, +I am thine, Thomas, Thomas, thou art mine: thine for ever, mine +for ever!” with which words, she became very tender +likewise.</p> +<p>‘Tom and the Gifted, gentlemen, as you may believe, +looked at each other in a very awkward manner, and with thoughts +not at all complimentary to the two young ladies. As to the +Gifted, I have heard Tom say often, that he was certain he was in +a fit, and had it inwardly.</p> +<p>‘“Speak to me! Oh, speak to me!” cries +Tom’s young lady to the Gifted.</p> +<p>‘“I don’t want to speak to anybody,” +he says, finding his voice at last, and trying to push her +away. “I think I had better go. +I’m—I’m frightened,” he says, looking +about as if he had lost something.</p> +<p>‘“Not one look of love!” she cries. +“Hear me while I declare—”</p> +<p>‘“I don’t know how to look a look of +love,” he says, all in a maze. “Don’t +declare anything. I don’t want to hear +anybody.”</p> +<p>‘“That’s right!” cries the old +gentleman (who it seems had been listening). +“That’s right! Don’t hear her. Emma +shall marry you to-morrow, my friend, whether she likes it or +not, and <i>she</i> shall marry Mr. Grig.”</p> +<p>‘Gentlemen, these words were no sooner out of his mouth +than Galileo Isaac Newton Flamstead (who it seems had been +listening too) darts in, and spinning round and round, like a +young giant’s top, cries, “Let her. Let +her. I’m fierce; I’m furious. I give her +leave. I’ll never marry anybody after +this—never. It isn’t safe. She is the +falsest of the false,” he cries, tearing his hair and +gnashing his teeth; “and I’ll live and die a +bachelor!”</p> +<p>‘“The little boy,” observed the Gifted +gravely, “albeit of tender years, has spoken wisdom. +I have been led to the contemplation of woman-kind, and will not +adventure on the troubled waters of matrimony.”</p> +<p>‘“What!” says the old gentleman, “not +marry my daughter! Won’t you, Mooney? Not if I +make her? Won’t you? Won’t +you?”</p> +<p>‘“No,” says Mooney, “I +won’t. And if anybody asks me any more, I’ll +run away, and never come back again.”</p> +<p>‘“Mr. Grig,” says the old gentleman, +“the stars must be obeyed. You have not changed your +mind because of a little girlish folly—eh, Mr. +Grig?”</p> +<p>‘Tom, gentlemen, had had his eyes about him, and was +pretty sure that all this was a device and trick of the +waiting-maid, to put him off his inclination. He had seen +her hiding and skipping about the two doors, and had observed +that a very little whispering from her pacified the Salamander +directly. “So,” thinks Tom, “this is a +plot—but it won’t fit.”</p> +<p>‘“Eh, Mr. Grig?” says the old gentleman.</p> +<p>‘“Why, Sir,” says Tom, pointing to the +crucible, “if the soup’s nearly +ready—”</p> +<p>‘“Another hour beholds the consummation of our +labours,” returned the old gentleman.</p> +<p>‘“Very good,” says Tom, with a mournful +air. “It’s only for two months, but I may as +well be the richest man in the world even for that time. +I’m not particular, I’ll take her, Sir. +I’ll take her.”</p> +<p>‘The old gentleman was in a rapture to find Tom still in +the same mind, and drawing the young lady towards him by little +and little, was joining their hands by main force, when all of a +sudden, gentlemen, the crucible blows up, with a great crash; +everybody screams; the room is filled with smoke; and Tom, not +knowing what may happen next, throws himself into a Fancy +attitude, and says, “Come on, if you’re a man!” +without addressing himself to anybody in particular.</p> +<p>‘“The labours of fifteen years!” says the +old gentleman, clasping his hands and looking down upon the +Gifted, who was saving the pieces, “are destroyed in an +instant!”—And I am told, gentlemen, by-the-bye, that +this same philosopher’s stone would have been discovered a +hundred times at least, to speak within bounds, if it +wasn’t for the one unfortunate circumstance that the +apparatus always blows up, when it’s on the very point of +succeeding.</p> +<p>‘Tom turns pale when he hears the old gentleman +expressing himself to this unpleasant effect, and stammers out +that if it’s quite agreeable to all parties, he would like +to know exactly what has happened, and what change has really +taken place in the prospects of that company.</p> +<p>‘“We have failed for the present, Mr. Grig,” +says the old gentleman, wiping his forehead. “And I +regret it the more, because I have in fact invested my +niece’s five thousand pounds in this glorious +speculation. But don’t be cast down,” he says, +anxiously—“in another fifteen years, Mr. +Grig—”</p> +<p>“Oh!” cries Tom, letting the young lady’s +hand fall. “Were the stars very positive about this +union, Sir?”</p> +<p>‘“They were,” says the old gentleman.</p> +<p>‘“I’m sorry to hear it,” Tom makes +answer, “for it’s no go, Sir.”</p> +<p>‘“No what!” cries the old gentleman.</p> +<p>‘“Go, Sir,” says Tom, fiercely. +“I forbid the banns.” And with these +words—which are the very words he used—he sat himself +down in a chair, and, laying his head upon the table, thought +with a secret grief of what was to come to pass on that day two +months.</p> +<p>‘Tom always said, gentlemen, that that waiting-maid was +the artfullest minx he had ever seen; and he left it in writing +in this country when he went to colonize abroad, that he was +certain in his own mind she and the Salamander had blown up the +philosopher’s stone on purpose, and to cut him out of his +property. I believe Tom was in the right, gentlemen; but +whether or no, she comes forward at this point, and says, +“May I speak, Sir?” and the old gentleman answering, +“Yes, you may,” she goes on to say that “the +stars are no doubt quite right in every respect, but Tom is not +the man.” And she says, “Don’t you +remember, Sir, that when the clock struck five this afternoon, +you gave Master Galileo a rap on the head with your telescope, +and told him to get out of the way?” “Yes, I +do,” says the old gentleman. “Then,” says +the waiting-maid, “I say he’s the man, and the +prophecy is fulfilled.” The old gentleman staggers at +this, as if somebody had hit him a blow on the chest, and cries, +“He! why he’s a boy!” Upon that, +gentlemen, the Salamander cries out that he’ll be +twenty-one next Lady-day; and complains that his father has +always been so busy with the sun round which the earth revolves, +that he has never taken any notice of the son that revolves round +him; and that he hasn’t had a new suit of clothes since he +was fourteen; and that he wasn’t even taken out of nankeen +frocks and trousers till he was quite unpleasant in ’em; +and touches on a good many more family matters to the same +purpose. To make short of a long story, gentlemen, they all +talk together, and cry together, and remind the old gentleman +that as to the noble family, his own grandfather would have been +lord mayor if he hadn’t died at a dinner the year before; +and they show him by all kinds of arguments that if the cousins +are married, the prediction comes true every way. At last, +the old gentleman being quite convinced, gives in; and joins +their hands; and leaves his daughter to marry anybody she likes; +and they are all well pleased; and the Gifted as well as any of +them.</p> +<p>‘In the middle of this little family party, gentlemen, +sits Tom all the while, as miserable as you like. But, when +everything else is arranged, the old gentleman’s daughter +says, that their strange conduct was a little device of the +waiting-maid’s to disgust the lovers he had chosen for +’em, and will he forgive her? and if he will, perhaps he +might even find her a husband—and when she says that, she +looks uncommon hard at Tom. Then the waiting-maid says +that, oh dear! she couldn’t abear Mr. Grig should think she +wanted him to marry her; and that she had even gone so far as to +refuse the last lamplighter, who was now a literary character +(having set up as a bill-sticker); and that she hoped Mr. Grig +would not suppose she was on her last legs by any means, for the +baker was very strong in his attentions at that moment, and as to +the butcher, he was frantic. And I don’t know how +much more she might have said, gentlemen (for, as you know, this +kind of young women are rare ones to talk), if the old gentleman +hadn’t cut in suddenly, and asked Tom if he’d have +her, with ten pounds to recompense him for his loss of time and +disappointment, and as a kind of bribe to keep the story +secret.</p> +<p>‘“It don’t much matter, Sir,” says +Tom, “I ain’t long for this world. Eight weeks +of marriage, especially with this young woman, might reconcile me +to my fate. I think,” he says, “I could go off +easy after that.” With which he embraces her with a +very dismal face, and groans in a way that might move a heart of +stone—even of philosopher’s stone.</p> +<p>‘“Egad,” says the old gentleman, “that +reminds me—this bustle put it out of my head—there +was a figure wrong. He’ll live to a green old +age—eighty-seven at least!”</p> +<p>‘“How much, Sir?” cries Tom.</p> +<p>‘“Eighty-seven!” says the old gentleman.</p> +<p>‘Without another word, Tom flings himself on the old +gentleman’s neck; throws up his hat; cuts a caper; defies +the waiting-maid; and refers her to the butcher.</p> +<p>‘“You won’t marry her!” says the old +gentleman, angrily.</p> +<p>‘“And live after it!” says Tom. +“I’d sooner marry a mermaid with a small-tooth comb +and looking-glass.”</p> +<p>‘“Then take the consequences,” says the +other.</p> +<p>‘With those words—I beg your kind attention here, +gentlemen, for it’s worth your notice—the old +gentleman wetted the forefinger of his right hand in some of the +liquor from the crucible that was spilt on the floor, and drew a +small triangle on Tom’s forehead. The room swam +before his eyes, and he found himself in the +watch-house.’</p> +<p>‘Found himself <i>where</i>?’ cried the vice, on +behalf of the company generally.</p> +<p>‘In the watch-house,’ said the chairman. +‘It was late at night, and he found himself in the very +watch-house from which he had been let out that +morning.’</p> +<p>‘Did he go home?’ asked the vice.</p> +<p>‘The watch-house people rather objected to that,’ +said the chairman; ‘so he stopped there that night, and +went before the magistrate in the morning. “Why, +you’re here again, are you?” says the magistrate, +adding insult to injury; “we’ll trouble you for five +shillings more, if you can conveniently spare the +money.” Tom told him he had been enchanted, but it +was of no use. He told the contractors the same, but they +wouldn’t believe him. It was very hard upon him, +gentlemen, as he often said, for was it likely he’d go and +invent such a tale? They shook their heads and told him +he’d say anything but his prayers—as indeed he would; +there’s no doubt about that. It was the only +imputation on his moral character that ever <i>I</i> heard +of.’</p> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LAMPLIGHTER***</p> +<pre> + + +***** This file should be named 927-h.htm or 927-h.zip****** + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/9/2/927 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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