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diff --git a/918-h/918-h.htm b/918-h/918-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0315dfc --- /dev/null +++ b/918-h/918-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2439 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles Dickens</title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + P { margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + P.gutsumm { margin-left: 5%;} + P.poetry {margin-left: 3%; } + .GutSmall { font-size: 0.7em; } + H1, H2 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + } + H3, H4, H5 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + } + BODY{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + table { border-collapse: collapse; } +table {margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + td { vertical-align: top; border: 1px solid black;} + td p { margin: 0.2em; } + .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .pagenum {position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-weight: normal; + color: gray; + } + img { border: none; } + img.dc { float: left; width: 50px; height: 50px; } + p.gutindent { margin-left: 2em; } + div.gapspace { height: 0.8em; } + div.gapline { height: 0.8em; width: 100%; border-top: 1px solid;} + div.gapmediumline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + div.gapmediumdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; + margin-left: 40%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid; } + div.gapdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 50%; + margin-left: 25%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; margin-left:40%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + .citation {vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none;} + img.floatleft { float: left; + margin-right: 1em; + margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.floatright { float: right; + margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.clearcenter {display: block; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em} + --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles +Dickens, Illustrated by Hablot Knight Browne + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + + +Title: Sketches of Young Gentlemen + + +Author: Charles Dickens + + + +Release Date: April 14, 2015 [eBook #918] +[This file was first posted on May 23, 1997] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN*** +</pre> +<p>Transcribed from the 1903 Chapman and Hall <i>Sketches by +Boz</i> edition by David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org</p> +<h1>SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN</h1> +<p style="text-align: center"><a name="page402"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 402</span>TO THE YOUNG LADIES<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">OF THE</span><br /> +<b>United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland;</b><br /> +<span class="GutSmall">ALSO</span><br /> +THE YOUNG LADIES<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">OF</span><br /> +<span class="GutSmall"><b>THE PRINCIPALITY OF +WALES,</b></span><br /> +<span class="GutSmall">AND LIKEWISE</span><br /> +THE YOUNG LADIES<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">RESIDENT IN THE ISLES OF</span><br /> +<b>Guernsey, Jersey, Alderney, and Sark,</b><br /> +<span class="GutSmall">THE HUMBLE DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED +ADMIRER,</span></p> +<p><span class="smcap">Sheweth</span>,—</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> your Dedicator has perused, +with feelings of virtuous indignation, a work purporting to be +‘Sketches of Young Ladies;’ written by Quiz, +illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume, square +twelvemo.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> after an attentive and +vigilant perusal of the said work, your Dedicator is humbly of +opinion that so many libels, upon your Honourable sex, were never +contained in any previously published work, in twelvemo or any +other mo.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> in the title page and preface +to the said work, your Honourable sex are described and +classified as animals; and although your Dedicator is not at +present prepared to deny that you <i>are</i> animals, still he +humbly submits that it is not polite to call you so.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> in the aforesaid preface, your +Honourable sex are also described as Troglodites, which, being a +hard word, may, for aught your Honourable sex or your Dedicator +can say to the contrary, be an injurious and disrespectful +appellation.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> the author of the said work +applied himself to his task in malice prepense and with +wickedness aforethought; a fact which, your Dedicator contends, +is sufficiently demonstrated, by his assuming the name of Quiz, +which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a foregone conclusion, and +implies an intention of quizzing.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> in the execution of his evil +design, the said Quiz, or author of the said work, must have +betrayed some trust or confidence reposed in him by some members +of your Honourable sex, otherwise he never could have acquired so +much information relative to the manners and customs of your +Honourable sex in general.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> actuated by these +considerations, and further moved by various slanders and +insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained in the said +work, square twelvemo, entitled ‘Sketches of Young +Ladies,’ your Dedicator ventures to produce another work, +square twelvemo, entitled ‘Sketches of Young +Gentlemen,’ of which he now solicits your acceptance and +approval.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> as the Young Ladies are the +best companions of the Young Gentlemen, so the Young Gentlemen +should be the best companions of the Young Ladies; and extending +the comparison from animals (to quote the disrespectful language +of the said Quiz) to inanimate objects, your Dedicator humbly +suggests, that such of your Honourable sex as purchased the bane +should possess themselves of the antidote, and that those of your +Honourable sex who were not rash enough to take the first, should +lose no time in swallowing the last,—prevention being in +all cases better than cure, as we are informed upon the +authority, not only of general acknowledgment, but also of +traditionary wisdom.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> with reference to the said +bane and antidote, your Dedicator has no further remarks to make, +than are comprised in the printed directions issued with Doctor +Morison’s pills; namely, that whenever your Honourable sex +take twenty-five of Number, 1, you will be pleased to take fifty +of Number 2, without delay.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">And your Dedicator shall ever pray, +&c.</p> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> +<table> +<tr> +<td><p> </p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span +class="GutSmall">PAGE</span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Bashful Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page403">403</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Out-and-out Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page407">407</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Very Friendly Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page410">410</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Military Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page414">414</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Political Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page418">418</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Domestic Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page421">421</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Censorious Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page424">424</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Funny Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page427">427</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Theatrical Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page431">431</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Poetical Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page433">433</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The ‘Throwing-off’ Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page436">436</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Young Ladies’ Young Gentleman</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page439">439</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>Conclusion</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page443">443</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<h2><a name="page403"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 403</span>THE +BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> found ourself seated at a small +dinner party the other day, opposite a stranger of such singular +appearance and manner, that he irresistibly attracted our +attention.</p> +<p>This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a +promise of light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed +of a very velvet-like, soft-looking countenance. We do not +use the latter term invidiously, but merely to denote a pair of +smooth, plump, highly-coloured cheeks of capacious dimensions, +and a mouth rather remarkable for the fresh hue of the lips than +for any marked or striking expression it presented. His +whole face was suffused with a crimson blush, and bore that +downcast, timid, retiring look, which betokens a man ill at ease +with himself.</p> +<p>There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a +passing remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to +the bashful young gentleman, on his first appearance in the +drawing-room above-stairs, into which he was no sooner +introduced, than making his way towards us who were standing in a +window, and wholly neglecting several persons who warmly accosted +him, he seized our hand with visible emotion, and pressed it with +a convulsive grasp for a good couple of minutes, after which he +dived in a nervous manner across the room, oversetting in his way +a fine little girl of six years and a quarter old—and +shrouding himself behind some hangings, was seen no more, until +the eagle eye of the hostess detecting him in his concealment, on +the announcement of dinner, he was requested to pair off with a +lively single lady, of two or three and thirty.</p> +<p>This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would +have gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us +in high respect, and for that reason been desirous of our +acquaintance, if we had not suspected from the first, that the +young gentleman, in making a desperate effort to get through the +ceremony of introduction, had, in the bewilderment of his ideas, +shaken hands with us at random. This impression was fully +confirmed by the subsequent behaviour of the bashful young +gentleman in question, which we noted particularly, with the view +of ascertaining whether we were right in our conjecture.</p> +<p>The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident +misgivings, and turning sharp round to pay attention to some +observation of his loquacious neighbour, overset his bread. +There was nothing very bad in this, and if he had had the +presence of mind to let it go, and say nothing about it, nobody +but the man who had laid the cloth would have been a bit the +wiser; but the young gentleman in various semi-successful +attempts to prevent its fall, played with it a little, as +gentlemen in the streets may be seen to do with their hats on a +windy day, and then giving the roll a smart rap in his anxiety to +catch it, knocked it with great adroitness into a tureen of white +soup at some distance, to the unspeakable terror and disturbance +of a very amiable bald gentleman, who was dispensing the +contents. We thought the bashful young gentleman would have +gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon the violent rush +of blood to his face at the occurrence of this catastrophe.</p> +<p>From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the +fancy, that it was ‘all up’ with the bashful young +gentleman, and so indeed it was. Several benevolent persons +endeavoured to relieve his embarrassment by taking wine with him, +but finding that it only augmented his sufferings, and that after +mingling sherry, champagne, hock, and moselle together, he +applied the greater part of the mixture externally, instead of +internally, they gradually dropped off, and left him to the +exclusive care of the talkative lady, who, not noting the +wildness of his eye, firmly believed she had secured a +listener. He broke a glass or two in the course of the +meal, and disappeared shortly afterwards; it is inferred that he +went away in some confusion, inasmuch as he left the house in +another gentleman’s coat, and the footman’s hat.</p> +<p>This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent +characteristics of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and +as this portable volume will be the great text-book of young +ladies in all future generations, we record them here for their +guidance and behoof.</p> +<p>If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, +chance to stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his +acquaintance, nothing can exceed his confusion and +agitation. His first impulse is to make a great variety of +bows, and dart past them, which he does until, observing that +they wish to stop, but are uncertain whether to do so or not, he +makes several feints of returning, which causes them to do the +same; and at length, after a great quantity of unnecessary +dodging and falling up against the other passengers, he returns +and shakes hands most affectionately with all of them, in doing +which he knocks out of their grasp sundry little parcels, which +he hastily picks up, and returns very muddy and disordered. +The chances are that the bashful young gentleman then observes it +is very fine weather, and being reminded that it has only just +left off raining for the first time these three days, he blushes +very much, and smiles as if he had said a very good thing. +The young lady who was most anxious to speak, here inquires, with +an air of great commiseration, how his dear sister Harriet is +to-day; to which the young gentleman, without the slightest +consideration, replies with many thanks, that she is remarkably +well. ‘Well, Mr. Hopkins!’ cries the young +lady, ‘why, we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and +have been perfectly miserable about her.’ ‘Oh, +ah,’ says the young gentleman, ‘so she was. Oh, +she’s very ill, very ill indeed.’ The young +gentleman then shakes his head, and looks very desponding (he has +been smiling perpetually up to this time), and after a short +pause, gives his glove a great wrench at the wrist, and says, +with a strong emphasis on the adjective, ‘<i>Good</i> +morning, <i>good</i> morning.’ And making a great +number of bows in acknowledgment of several little messages to +his sister, walks backward a few paces, and comes with great +violence against a lamp-post, knocking his hat off in the +contact, which in his mental confusion and bodily pain he is +going to walk away without, until a great roar from a carter +attracts his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile +cheerfully to the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he +has the satisfaction of seeing, are all laughing heartily.</p> +<p>At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always +remains as near the entrance of the room as possible, from which +position he smiles at the people he knows as they come in, and +sometimes steps forward to shake hands with more intimate +friends: a process which on each repetition seems to turn him a +deeper scarlet than before. He declines dancing the first +set or two, observing, in a faint voice, that he would rather +wait a little; but at length is absolutely compelled to allow +himself to be introduced to a partner, when he is led, in a great +heat and blushing furiously, across the room to a spot where +half-a-dozen unknown ladies are congregated together.</p> +<p>‘Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next +quadrille.’ Miss Lambert inclines her head +graciously. Mr. Hopkins bows, and his fair conductress +disappears, leaving Mr. Hopkins, as he too well knows, to make +himself agreeable. The young lady more than half expects +that the bashful young gentleman will say something, and the +bashful young gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks whether he +has got anything to say, which, upon mature reflection, he is +rather disposed to conclude he has not, since nothing occurs to +him. Meanwhile, the young lady, after several inspections +of her <i>bouquet</i>, all made in the expectation that the +bashful young gentleman is going to talk, whispers her mamma, who +is sitting next her, which whisper the bashful young gentleman +immediately suspects (and possibly with very good reason) must be +about <i>him</i>. In this comfortable condition he remains +until it is time to ‘stand up,’ when murmuring a +‘Will you allow me?’ he gives the young lady his arm, +and after inquiring where she will stand, and receiving a reply +that she has no choice, conducts her to the remotest corner of +the quadrille, and making one attempt at conversation, which +turns out a desperate failure, preserves a profound silence until +it is all over, when he walks her twice round the room, deposits +her in her old seat, and retires in confusion.</p> +<p>A married bashful gentleman—for these bashful gentlemen +do get married sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a +mystery to us—a married bashful gentleman either causes his +wife to appear bold by contrast, or merges her proper importance +in his own insignificance. Bashful young gentlemen should +be cured, or avoided. They are never hopeless, and never +will be, while female beauty and attractions retain their +influence, as any young lady will find, who may think it worth +while on this confident assurance to take a patient in hand.</p> +<h2><a name="page407"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 407</span>THE +OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Out-and-out</span> young gentlemen may be +divided into two classes—those who have something to do, +and those who have nothing. I shall commence with the +former, because that species come more frequently under the +notice of young ladies, whom it is our province to warn and to +instruct.</p> +<p>The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, +his instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one +general direction to ‘make that what’s-a-name a +regular bang-up sort of thing.’ For some years past, +the favourite costume of the out-and-out young gentleman has been +a rough pilot coat, with two gilt hooks and eyes to the velvet +collar; buttons somewhat larger than crown-pieces; a black or +fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a wide-brimmed hat, with a low +crown; tightish inexpressibles, and iron-shod boots. Out of +doors he sometimes carries a large ash stick, but only on special +occasions, for he prefers keeping his hands in his coat +pockets. He smokes at all hours, of course, and swears +considerably.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/fpb.jpg"> +<img alt= +"The out-and-out Young Gentleman" +title= +"The out-and-out Young Gentleman" + src="images/fps.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city +counting-house or solicitor’s office, in which he does as +little as he possibly can: his chief places of resort are, the +streets, the taverns, and the theatres. In the streets at +evening time, out-and-out young gentlemen have a pleasant custom +of walking six or eight abreast, thus driving females and other +inoffensive persons into the road, which never fails to afford +them the highest satisfaction, especially if there be any +immediate danger of their being run over, which enhances the fun +of the thing materially. In all places of public resort, +the out-and-outers are careful to select each a seat to himself, +upon which he lies at full length, and (if the weather be very +dirty, but not in any other case) he lies with his knees up, and +the soles of his boots planted firmly on the cushion, so that if +any low fellow should ask him to make room for a lady, he takes +ample revenge upon her dress, without going at all out of his way +to do it. He always sits with his hat on, and flourishes +his stick in the air while the play is proceeding, with a +dignified contempt of the performance; if it be possible for one +or two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a little crowding in +the passages, they are quite in their element, squeezing, +pushing, whooping, and shouting in the most humorous manner +possible. If they can only succeed in irritating the +gentleman who has a family of daughters under his charge, they +are like to die with laughing, and boast of it among their +companions for a week afterwards, adding, that one or two of them +were ‘devilish fine girls,’ and that they really +thought the youngest would have fainted, which was the only thing +wanted to render the joke complete.</p> +<p>If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, +of course he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they +(poor things!) having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too +weak-spirited and moping for him. Sometimes, however, on a +birth-day or at Christmas-time, he cannot very well help +accompanying them to a party at some old friend’s, with +which view he comes home when they have been dressed an hour or +two, smelling very strongly of tobacco and spirits, and after +exchanging his rough coat for some more suitable attire (in which +however he loses nothing of the out-and-outer), gets into the +coach and grumbles all the way at his own good nature: his bitter +reflections aggravated by the recollection, that Tom Smith has +taken the chair at a little impromptu dinner at a fighting +man’s, and that a set-to was to take place on a +dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother-in-law, +which is probably ‘coming off’ at that very +instant.</p> +<p>As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease +in ladies’ society, he shrinks into a corner of the +drawing-room when they reach the friend’s, and unless one +of his sisters is kind enough to talk to him, remains there +without being much troubled by the attentions of other people, +until he espies, lingering outside the door, another gentleman, +whom he at once knows, by his air and manner (for there is a kind +of free-masonry in the craft), to be a brother out-and-outer, and +towards whom he accordingly makes his way. Conversation +being soon opened by some casual remark, the second out-and-outer +confidentially informs the first, that he is one of the rough +sort and hates that kind of thing, only he couldn’t very +well be off coming; to which the other replies, that that’s +just his case—‘and I’ll tell you what,’ +continues the out-and-outer in a whisper, ‘I should like a +glass of warm brandy and water just now,’—‘Or a +pint of stout and a pipe,’ suggests the other +out-and-outer.</p> +<p>The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls; +each of them says at the same moment, that he sees the other +understands what’s what: and they become fast friends at +once, more especially when it appears, that the second +out-and-outer is no other than a gentleman, long favourably known +to his familiars as ‘Mr. Warmint Blake,’ who upon +divers occasions has distinguished himself in a manner that would +not have disgraced the fighting man, and who—having been a +pretty long time about town—had the honour of once shaking +hands with the celebrated Mr. Thurtell himself.</p> +<p>At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves, +brightening up very much when the ladies leave the table, and +proclaiming aloud their intention of beginning to spend the +evening—a process which is generally understood to be +satisfactorily performed, when a great deal of wine is drunk and +a great deal of noise made, both of which feats the out-and-out +young gentlemen execute to perfection. Having protracted +their sitting until long after the host and the other guests have +adjourned to the drawing-room, and finding that they have drained +the decanters empty, they follow them thither with complexions +rather heightened, and faces rather bloated with wine; and the +agitated lady of the house whispers her friends as they waltz +together, to the great terror of the whole room, that ‘both +Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins are very nice sort of young men in +their way, only they are eccentric persons, and unfortunately +<i>rather too wild</i>!’</p> +<p>The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed +of persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above +earning any, enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how. +These respectable gentlemen, without aiming quite so much at the +out-and-out in external appearance, are distinguished by all the +same amiable and attractive characteristics, in an equal or +perhaps greater degree, and now and then find their way into +society, through the medium of the other class of out-and-out +young gentlemen, who will sometimes carry them home, and who +usually pay their tavern bills. As they are equally +gentlemanly, clever, witty, intelligent, wise, and well-bred, we +need scarcely have recommended them to the peculiar consideration +of the young ladies, if it were not that some of the gentle +creatures whom we hold in such high respect, are perhaps a little +too apt to confound a great many heavier terms with the light +word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth to take in a +strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude of +construction.</p> +<h2><a name="page410"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 410</span>THE +VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> know—and all people +know—so many specimens of this class, that in selecting the +few heads our limits enable us to take from a great number, we +have been induced to give the very friendly young gentleman the +preference over many others, to whose claims upon a more cursory +view of the question we had felt disposed to assign the +priority.</p> +<p>The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to +everybody, but he attaches himself particularly to two, or at +most to three families: regulating his choice by their dinners, +their circle of acquaintance, or some other criterion in which he +has an immediate interest. He is of any age between twenty +and forty, unmarried of course, must be fond of children, and is +expected to make himself generally useful if possible. Let +us illustrate our meaning by an example, which is the shortest +mode and the clearest.</p> +<p>We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we +had lost sight for some years, and who—expressing a strong +anxiety to renew our former intimacy—urged us to dine with +him on an early day, that we might talk over old times. We +readily assented, adding, that we hoped we should be alone. +‘Oh, certainly, certainly,’ said our friend, +‘not a soul with us but Mincin.’ ‘And who +is Mincin?’ was our natural inquiry. ‘O +don’t mind him,’ replied our friend, +‘he’s a most particular friend of mine, and a very +friendly fellow you will find him;’ and so he left us.</p> +<p>‘We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented +ourselves at the house next day, when, after a hearty welcome, +our friend motioned towards a gentleman who had been previously +showing his teeth by the fireplace, and gave us to understand +that it was Mr. Mincin, of whom he had spoken. It required +no great penetration on our part to discover at once that Mr. +Mincin was in every respect a very friendly young gentleman.</p> +<p>‘I am delighted,’ said Mincin, hastily advancing, +and pressing our hand warmly between both of his, ‘I am +delighted, I am sure, to make your acquaintance—(here he +smiled)—very much delighted indeed—(here he exhibited +a little emotion)—I assure you that I have looked forward +to it anxiously for a very long time:’ here he released our +hands, and rubbing his own, observed, that the day was severe, +but that he was delighted to perceive from our appearance that it +agreed with us wonderfully; and then went on to observe, that, +notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, he had that morning +seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph, to the +effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. Wilkins of +Chichester, a pumpkin, measuring four feet in height, and eleven +feet seven inches in circumference, which he looked upon as a +very extraordinary piece of intelligence. We ventured to +remark, that we had a dim recollection of having once or twice +before observed a similar paragraph in the public prints, upon +which Mr. Mincin took us confidentially by the button, and said, +Exactly, exactly, to be sure, we were very right, and he wondered +what the editors meant by putting in such things. Who the +deuce, he should like to know, did they suppose cared about them? +that struck him as being the best of it.</p> +<p>The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr. +Mincin’s friendliness, as will readily be supposed, +suffered no diminution in consequence; he exerted much strength +and skill in wheeling a large easy-chair up to the fire, and the +lady being seated in it, carefully closed the door, stirred the +fire, and looked to the windows to see that they admitted no air; +having satisfied himself upon all these points, he expressed +himself quite easy in his mind, and begged to know how she found +herself to-day. Upon the lady’s replying very well, +Mr. Mincin (who it appeared was a medical gentleman) offered some +general remarks upon the nature and treatment of colds in the +head, which occupied us agreeably until dinner-time. During +the meal, he devoted himself to complimenting everybody, not +forgetting himself, so that we were an uncommonly agreeable +quartette.</p> +<p>‘I’ll tell you what, Capper,’ said Mr. +Mincin to our host, as he closed the room door after the lady had +retired, ‘you have very great reason to be fond of your +wife. Sweet woman, Mrs. Capper, sir!’ +‘Nay, Mincin—I beg,’ interposed the host, as we +were about to reply that Mrs. Capper unquestionably was +particularly sweet. ‘Pray, Mincin, +don’t.’ ‘Why not?’ exclaimed Mr. +Mincin, ‘why not? Why should you feel any delicacy +before your old friend—<i>our</i> old friend, if I may be +allowed to call you so, sir; why should you, I ask?’ +We of course wished to know why he should also, upon which our +friend admitted that Mrs. Capper <i>was</i> a very sweet woman, +at which admission Mr. Mincin cried ‘Bravo!’ and +begged to propose Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm, +whereupon our host said, ‘Thank you, Mincin,’ with +deep feeling; and gave us, in a low voice, to understand, that +Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper’s cousin’s life no less +than fourteen times in a year and a half, which he considered no +common circumstance—an opinion to which we most cordially +subscribed.</p> +<p>Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with +conversation, Mr. Mincin’s extreme friendliness became +every moment more apparent; he was so amazingly friendly, indeed, +that it was impossible to talk about anything in which he had not +the chief concern. We happened to allude to some affairs in +which our friend and we had been mutually engaged nearly fourteen +years before, when Mr. Mincin was all at once reminded of a joke +which our friend had made on that day four years, which he +positively must insist upon telling—and which he did tell +accordingly, with many pleasant recollections of what he said, +and what Mrs. Capper said, and how he well remembered that they +had been to the play with orders on the very night previous, and +had seen Romeo and Juliet, and the pantomime, and how Mrs. Capper +being faint had been led into the lobby, where she smiled, said +it was nothing after all, and went back again, with many other +interesting and absorbing particulars: after which the friendly +young gentleman went on to assure us, that our friend had +experienced a marvellously prophetic opinion of that same +pantomime, which was of such an admirable kind, that two morning +papers took the same view next day: to this our friend replied, +with a little triumph, that in that instance he had some reason +to think he had been correct, which gave the friendly young +gentleman occasion to believe that our friend was always correct; +and so we went on, until our friend, filling a bumper, said he +must drink one glass to his dear friend Mincin, than whom he +would say no man saved the lives of his acquaintances more, or +had a more friendly heart. Finally, our friend having +emptied his glass, said, ‘God bless you, +Mincin,’—and Mr. Mincin and he shook hands across the +table with much affection and earnestness.</p> +<p>But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited +scene like this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with +increased <i>éclat</i>. Mr. Mincin is invited to an +evening party with his dear friends the Martins, where he meets +his dear friends the Cappers, and his dear friends the Watsons, +and a hundred other dear friends too numerous to mention. +He is as much at home with the Martins as with the Cappers; but +how exquisitely he balances his attentions, and divides them +among his dear friends! If he flirts with one of the Miss +Watsons, he has one little Martin on the sofa pulling his hair, +and the other little Martin on the carpet riding on his +foot. He carries Mrs. Watson down to supper on one arm, and +Miss Martin on the other, and takes wine so judiciously, and in +such exact order, that it is impossible for the most punctilious +old lady to consider herself neglected. If any young lady, +being prevailed upon to sing, become nervous afterwards, Mr. +Mincin leads her tenderly into the next room, and restores her +with port wine, which she must take medicinally. If any +gentleman be standing by the piano during the progress of the +ballad, Mr. Mincin seizes him by the arm at one point of the +melody, and softly beating time the while with his head, +expresses in dumb show his intense perception of the delicacy of +the passage. If anybody’s self-love is to be +flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand. If anybody’s +overweening vanity is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit +it. What wonder that people of all stations and ages +recognise Mr. Mincin’s friendliness; that he is universally +allowed to be handsome as amiable; that mothers think him an +oracle, daughters a dear, brothers a beau, and fathers a +wonder! And who would not have the reputation of the very +friendly young gentleman?</p> +<h2><a name="page414"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 414</span>THE +MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> are rather at a loss to imagine +how it has come to pass that military young gentlemen have +obtained so much favour in the eyes of the young ladies of this +kingdom. We cannot think so lightly of them as to suppose +that the mere circumstance of a man’s wearing a red coat +ensures him a ready passport to their regard; and even if this +were the case, it would be no satisfactory explanation of the +circumstance, because, although the analogy may in some degree +hold good in the case of mail coachmen and guards, still general +postmen wear red coats, and <i>they</i> are not to our knowledge +better received than other men; nor are firemen either, who wear +(or used to wear) not only red coats, but very resplendent and +massive badges besides—much larger than epaulettes. +Neither do the twopenny post-office boys, if the result of our +inquiries be correct, find any peculiar favour in woman’s +eyes, although they wear very bright red jackets, and have the +additional advantage of constantly appearing in public on +horseback, which last circumstance may be naturally supposed to +be greatly in their favour.</p> +<p>We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its +rise in the conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and +other gentlemen in red coats on the stage, where they are +invariably represented as fine swaggering fellows, talking of +nothing but charming girls, their king and country, their honour, +and their debts, and crowing over the inferior classes of the +community, whom they occasionally treat with a little gentlemanly +swindling, no less to the improvement and pleasure of the +audience, than to the satisfaction and approval of the choice +spirits who consort with them. But we will not devote these +pages to our speculations upon the subject, inasmuch as our +business at the present moment is not so much with the young +ladies who are bewitched by her Majesty’s livery as with +the young gentlemen whose heads are turned by it. For +‘heads’ we had written ‘brains;’ but upon +consideration, we think the former the more appropriate word of +the two.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p414b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"The Military Young Gentleman" +title= +"The Military Young Gentleman" + src="images/p414s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>These young gentlemen may be divided into two +classes—young gentlemen who are actually in the army, and +young gentlemen who, having an intense and enthusiastic +admiration for all things appertaining to a military life, are +compelled by adverse fortune or adverse relations to wear out +their existence in some ignoble counting-house. We will +take this latter description of military young gentlemen +first.</p> +<p>The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are +concentrated in his favourite topic. There is nothing that +he is so learned upon as uniforms; he will tell you, without +faltering for an instant, what the habiliments of any one +regiment are turned up with, what regiment wear stripes down the +outside and inside of the leg, and how many buttons the Tenth had +on their coats; he knows to a fraction how many yards and odd +inches of gold lace it takes to make an ensign in the Guards; is +deeply read in the comparative merits of different bands, and the +apparelling of trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in +descanting upon ‘crack regiments,’ and the +‘crack’ gentlemen who compose them, of whose +mightiness and grandeur he is never tired of telling.</p> +<p>We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the +other day, after he had related to us several dazzling instances +of the profusion of half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or +nobodies in the articles of kid gloves and polished boots, that +possibly ‘cracked’ regiments would be an improvement +upon ‘crack,’ as being a more expressive and +appropriate designation, when he suddenly interrupted us by +pulling out his watch, and observing that he must hurry off to +the Park in a cab, or he would be too late to hear the band +play. Not wishing to interfere with so important an +engagement, and being in fact already slightly overwhelmed by the +anecdotes of the honourable ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no +attempt to detain the military young gentleman, but parted +company with ready good-will.</p> +<p>Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking +down Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we +drew near to one of the little stone places in which a couple of +horse soldiers mount guard in the daytime, we were attracted by +the motionless appearance and eager gaze of a young gentleman, +who was devouring both man and horse with his eyes, so eagerly, +that he seemed deaf and blind to all that was passing around +him. We were not much surprised at the discovery that it +was our friend, the military young gentleman, but we <i>were</i> +a little astonished when we returned from a walk to South Lambeth +to find him still there, looking on with the same intensity as +before. As it was a very windy day, we felt bound to awaken +the young gentleman from his reverie, when he inquired of us with +great enthusiasm, whether ‘that was not a glorious +spectacle,’ and proceeded to give us a detailed account of +the weight of every article of the spectacle’s trappings, +from the man’s gloves to the horse’s shoes.</p> +<p>We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in +our daily walk, and we find it is the custom of military young +gentlemen to plant themselves opposite the sentries, and +contemplate them at leisure, in periods varying from fifteen +minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five. We were much +struck a day or two since, by the behaviour of a very promising +young butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which +cannot be too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a +prolonged inspection of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots +with great curiosity, and as much composure and indifference as +if the man were wax-work.</p> +<p>But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this +time, and at the very moment that an apology rises to our lips, +he emerges from the barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison +town), and takes the way towards the high street. He wears +his undress uniform, which somewhat mars the glory of his outward +man; but still how great, how grand, he is! What a happy +mixture of ease and ferocity in his gait and carriage, and how +lightly he carries that dreadful sword under his arm, making no +more ado about it than if it were a silk umbrella! The lion +is sleeping: only think if an enemy were in sight, how soon +he’d whip it out of the scabbard, and what a terrible +fellow he would be!</p> +<p>But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and +slaughter; and now he comes in sight of three other military +young gentlemen, arm-in-arm, who are bearing down towards him, +clanking their iron heels on the pavement, and clashing their +swords with a noise, which should cause all peaceful men to quail +at heart. They stop to talk. See how the +flaxen-haired young gentleman with the weak legs—he who has +his pocket-handkerchief thrust into the breast of his coat-glares +upon the fainthearted civilians who linger to look upon his +glory; how the next young gentleman elevates his head in the air, +and majestically places his arms a-kimbo, while the third stands +with his legs very wide apart, and clasps his hands behind +him. Well may we inquire—not in familiar jest, but in +respectful earnest—if you call that nothing. Oh! if +some encroaching foreign power—the Emperor of Russia, for +instance, or any of those deep fellows, could only see those +military young gentlemen as they move on together towards the +billiard-room over the way, wouldn’t he tremble a +little!</p> +<p>And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are +by command of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the +garrison—what a splendid sight it is! How sternly the +defenders of their country look round the house as if in mute +assurance to the audience, that they may make themselves +comfortable regarding any foreign invasion, for they (the +military young gentlemen) are keeping a sharp look-out, and are +ready for anything. And what a contrast between them, and +that stage-box full of grey-headed officers with tokens of many +battles about them, who have nothing at all in common with the +military young gentlemen, and who—but for an old-fashioned +kind of manly dignity in their looks and bearing—might be +common hard-working soldiers for anything they take the pains to +announce to the contrary!</p> +<p>Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the +flaxen-headed young gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young +gentleman recognises them too, only he doesn’t care to show +it just now. Very well done indeed! He talks louder +to the little group of military young gentlemen who are standing +by him, and coughs to induce some ladies in the next box but one +to look round, in order that their faces may undergo the same +ordeal of criticism to which they have subjected, in not a wholly +inaudible tone, the majority of the female portion of the +audience. Oh! a gentleman in the same box looks round as if +he were disposed to resent this as an impertinence; and the +flaxen-headed young gentleman sees his friends at once, and +hurries away to them with the most charming cordiality.</p> +<p>Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party, +receive the military young gentleman with great warmth and +politeness, and in five minutes afterwards the military young +gentleman, stimulated by the mamma, introduces the two other +military young gentlemen with whom he was walking in the morning, +who take their seats behind the young ladies and commence +conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant bow upon a +rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military young +gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment +three of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the +whole world.</p> +<h2><a name="page418"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 418</span>THE +POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Once</span> upon a time—<i>not</i> +in the days when pigs drank wine, but in a more recent period of +our history—it was customary to banish politics when ladies +were present. If this usage still prevailed, we should have +had no chapter for political young gentlemen, for ladies would +have neither known nor cared what kind of monster a political +young gentleman was. But as this good custom in common with +many others has ‘gone out,’ and left no word when it +is likely to be home again; as political young ladies are by no +means rare, and political young gentlemen the very reverse of +scarce, we are bound in the strict discharge of our most +responsible duty not to neglect this natural division of our +subject.</p> +<p>If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town +(and there <i>are</i> political young gentlemen in country towns +sometimes), he is wholly absorbed in his politics; as a pair of +purple spectacles communicate the same uniform tint to all +objects near and remote, so the political glasses, with which the +young gentleman assists his mental vision, give to everything the +hue and tinge of party feeling. The political young +gentleman would as soon think of being struck with the beauty of +a young lady in the opposite interest, as he would dream of +marrying his sister to the opposite member.</p> +<p>If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has +usually some vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he +cannot very clearly explain, but which he knows are the right +sort of thing, and not to be very easily got over by the other +side. He has also some choice sentences regarding church +and state, culled from the banners in use at the last election, +with which he intersperses his conversation at intervals with +surprising effect. But his great topic is the constitution, +upon which he will declaim, by the hour together, with much heat +and fury; not that he has any particular information on the +subject, but because he knows that the constitution is somehow +church and state, and church and state somehow the constitution, +and that the fellows on the other side say it isn’t, which +is quite a sufficient reason for him to say it is, and to stick +to it.</p> +<p>Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the +people. If a fight takes place in a populous town, in which +many noses are broken, and a few windows, the young gentleman +throws down the newspaper with a triumphant air, and exclaims, +‘Here’s your precious people!’ If +half-a-dozen boys run across the course at race time, when it +ought to be kept clear, the young gentleman looks indignantly +round, and begs you to observe the conduct of the people; if the +gallery demand a hornpipe between the play and the afterpiece, +the same young gentleman cries ‘No’ and +‘Shame’ till he is hoarse, and then inquires with a +sneer what you think of popular moderation <i>now</i>; in short, +the people form a never-failing theme for him; and when the +attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells upon it with great +power of eloquence at election time, as he never fails to do, the +young gentleman and his friends, and the body they head, cheer +with great violence against <i>the other people</i>, with whom, +of course, they have no possible connexion. In much the +same manner the audience at a theatre never fail to be highly +amused with any jokes at the expense of the public—always +laughing heartily at some other public, and never at +themselves.</p> +<p>If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a +very profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical +questions to put to you, with an infinite variety of possible +cases and logical deductions therefrom. If he be of the +utilitarian school, too, which is more than probable, he is +particularly pleasant company, having many ingenious remarks to +offer upon the voluntary principle and various cheerful +disquisitions connected with the population of the country, the +position of Great Britain in the scale of nations, and the +balance of power. Then he is exceedingly well versed in all +doctrines of political economy as laid down in the newspapers, +and knows a great many parliamentary speeches by heart; nay, he +has a small stock of aphorisms, none of them exceeding a couple +of lines in length, which will settle the toughest question and +leave you nothing to say. He gives all the young ladies to +understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest woman that ever +lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr. Hawkins the new +member, says he’s very well for a representative, all +things considered, but he wants a little calling to account, and +he is more than half afraid it will be necessary to bring him +down on his knees for that vote on the miscellaneous +estimates. At this, the young ladies express much +wonderment, and say surely a Member of Parliament is not to be +brought upon his knees so easily; in reply to which the political +young gentleman smiles sternly, and throws out dark hints +regarding the speedy arrival of that day, when Members of +Parliament will be paid salaries, and required to render weekly +accounts of their proceedings, at which the young ladies utter +many expressions of astonishment and incredulity, while their +lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little else than +blasphemous.</p> +<p>It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two +political young gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some +great question across a dinner-table; such as, whether, if the +public were admitted to Westminster Abbey for nothing, they would +or would not convey small chisels and hammers in their pockets, +and immediately set about chipping all the noses off the statues; +or whether, if they once got into the Tower for a shilling, they +would not insist upon trying the crown on their own heads, and +loading and firing off all the small arms in the armoury, to the +great discomposure of Whitechapel and the Minories. Upon +these, and many other momentous questions which agitate the +public mind in these desperate days, they will discourse with +great vehemence and irritation for a considerable time together, +both leaving off precisely where they began, and each thoroughly +persuaded that he has got the better of the other.</p> +<p>In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these +political young gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a +political allusion, or anything which can be tortured or +construed into being one; when, thrusting themselves into the +very smallest openings for their favourite discourse, they fall +upon the unhappy company tooth and nail. They have recently +had many favourable opportunities of opening in churches, but as +there the clergyman has it all his own way, and must not be +contradicted, whatever politics he preaches, they are fain to +hold their tongues until they reach the outer door, though at the +imminent risk of bursting in the effort.</p> +<p>As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative +parties concerned, we hope they will henceforth take the hint and +discontinue them, otherwise we now give them warning, that the +ladies have our advice to discountenance such talkers +altogether.</p> +<h2><a name="page421"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 421</span>THE +DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Let</span> us make a slight sketch of our +amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon. We are strongly disposed +to think, that if we put him in this place, he will answer our +purpose without another word of comment.</p> +<p>Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his +mother, just within the twopenny-post office circle of three +miles from St. Martin-le-Grand. He wears Indiarubber +goloshes when the weather is at all damp, and always has a silk +handkerchief neatly folded up in the right-hand pocket of his +great-coat, to tie over his mouth when he goes home at night; +moreover, being rather near-sighted, he carries spectacles for +particular occasions, and has a weakish tremulous voice, of which +he makes great use, for he talks as much as any old lady +breathing.</p> +<p>The two chief subjects of Felix’s discourse, are himself +and his mother, both of whom would appear to be very wonderful +and interesting persons. As Felix and his mother are seldom +apart in body, so Felix and his mother are scarcely ever separate +in spirit. If you ask Felix how he finds himself to-day, he +prefaces his reply with a long and minute bulletin of his +mother’s state of health; and the good lady in her turn, +edifies her acquaintance with a circumstantial and alarming +account, how he sneezed four times and coughed once after being +out in the rain the other night, but having his feet promptly put +into hot water, and his head into a flannel-something, which we +will not describe more particularly than by this delicate +allusion, was happily brought round by the next morning, and +enabled to go to business as usual.</p> +<p>Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but +he has passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify: +there is one great story in particular, concerning a hackney +coachman who wanted to overcharge him one night for bringing them +home from the play, upon which Felix gave the aforesaid coachman +a look which his mother thought would have crushed him to the +earth, but which did not crush him quite, for he continued to +demand another sixpence, notwithstanding that Felix took out his +pocket-book, and, with the aid of a flat candle, pointed out the +fare in print, which the coachman obstinately disregarding, he +shut the street-door with a slam which his mother shudders to +think of; and then, roused to the most appalling pitch of passion +by the coachman knocking a double knock to show that he was by no +means convinced, he broke with uncontrollable force from his +parent and the servant girl, and running into the street without +his hat, actually shook his fist at the coachman, and came back +again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon says, looking about her +for a simile, as white as that ceiling. She never will +forget his fury that night, Never!</p> +<p>To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally +looking at you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has +made an end of it, adds that he looked at every coachman he met +for three weeks afterwards, in hopes that he might see the +scoundrel; whereupon Mrs. Nixon, with an exclamation of terror, +requests to know what he would have done to him if he <i>had</i> +seen him, at which Felix smiling darkly and clenching his right +fist, she exclaims, ‘Goodness gracious!’ with a +distracted air, and insists upon extorting a promise that he +never will on any account do anything so rash, which her dutiful +son—it being something more than three years since the +offence was committed—reluctantly concedes, and his mother, +shaking her head prophetically, fears with a sigh that his spirit +will lead him into something violent yet. The discourse +then, by an easy transition, turns upon the spirit which glows +within the bosom of Felix, upon which point Felix himself becomes +eloquent, and relates a thrilling anecdote of the time when he +used to sit up till two o’clock in the morning reading +French, and how his mother used to say, ‘Felix, you will +make yourself ill, I know you will;’ and how <i>he</i> used +to say, ‘Mother, I don’t care—I will do +it;’ and how at last his mother privately procured a doctor +to come and see him, who declared, the moment he felt his pulse, +that if he had gone on reading one night more—only one +night more—he must have put a blister on each temple, and +another between his shoulders; and who, as it was, sat down upon +the instant, and writing a prescription for a blue pill, said it +must be taken immediately, or he wouldn’t answer for the +consequences. The recital of these and many other moving +perils of the like nature, constantly harrows up the feelings of +Mr. Nixon’s friends.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p422b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"The Domestic Young Gentleman" +title= +"The Domestic Young Gentleman" + src="images/p422s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female +acquaintance, being a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little +body, and to the unmarried girls among them she is constantly +vaunting the virtues of her son, hinting that she will be a very +happy person who wins him, but that they must mind their +P’s and Q’s, for he is very particular, and terribly +severe upon young ladies. At this last caution the young +ladies resident in the same row, who happen to be spending the +evening there, put their pocket-handkerchiefs before their +mouths, and are troubled with a short cough; just then Felix +knocks at the door, and his mother drawing the tea-table nearer +the fire, calls out to him as he takes off his boots in the back +parlour that he needn’t mind coming in in his slippers, for +there are only the two Miss Greys and Miss Thompson, and she is +quite sure they will excuse <i>him</i>, and nodding to the two +Miss Greys, she adds, in a whisper, that Julia Thompson is a +great favourite with Felix, at which intelligence the short cough +comes again, and Miss Thompson in particular is greatly troubled +with it, till Felix coming in, very faint for want of his tea, +changes the subject of discourse, and enables her to laugh out +boldly and tell Amelia Grey not to be so foolish. Here they +all three laugh, and Mrs. Nixon says they are giddy girls; in +which stage of the proceedings, Felix, who has by this time +refreshened himself with the grateful herb that ‘cheers but +not inebriates,’ removes his cup from his countenance and +says with a knowing smile, that all girls are; whereat his +admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells him not to be sly, +which calls forth a general laugh from the young ladies, and +another smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly indeed, +is perfectly satisfied.</p> +<p>Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix +insists upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it +on a card. This process having been performed to the +satisfaction of all parties, he brings down his flute in +compliance with a request from the youngest Miss Grey, and plays +divers tunes out of a very small music-book till supper-time, +when he is very facetious and talkative indeed. Finally, +after half a tumblerful of warm sherry and water, he gallantly +puts on his goloshes over his slippers, and telling Miss +Thompson’s servant to run on first and get the door open, +escorts that young lady to her house, five doors off: the Miss +Greys who live in the next house but one stopping to peep with +merry faces from their own door till he comes back again, when +they call out ‘Very well, Mr. Felix,’ and trip into +the passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that was +ever played.</p> +<p>Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little +priggish about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all +their peculiar corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed +all his female acquaintance (and they are good judges) have long +ago set him down as a thorough old bachelor. He is a +favourite with them however, in a certain way, as an honest, +inoffensive, kind-hearted creature; and as his peculiarities harm +nobody, not even himself, we are induced to hope that many who +are not personally acquainted with him will take our good word in +his behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of +his harmless existence.</p> +<h2><a name="page424"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 424</span>THE +CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is an amiable kind of young +gentleman going about in society, upon whom, after much +experience of him, and considerable turning over of the subject +in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the above +appellation. Young ladies mildly call him a +‘sarcastic’ young gentleman, or a +‘severe’ young gentleman. We, who know better, +beg to acquaint them with the fact, that he is merely a +censorious young gentleman, and nothing else.</p> +<p>The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his +familiars of a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by +receiving all intelligence and expressing all opinions with a +dubious sneer, accompanied with a half smile, expressive of +anything you please but good-humour. This sets people about +thinking what on earth the censorious young gentleman means, and +they speedily arrive at the conclusion that he means something +very deep indeed; for they reason in this way—‘This +young gentleman looks so very knowing that he must mean +something, and as I am by no means a dull individual, what a very +deep meaning he must have if I can’t find it +out!’ It is extraordinary how soon a censorious young +gentleman may make a reputation in his own small circle if he +bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings +accordingly.</p> +<p>As young ladies are generally—not curious, but laudably +desirous to acquire information, the censorious young gentleman +is much talked about among them, and many surmises are hazarded +regarding him. ‘I wonder,’ exclaims the eldest +Miss Greenwood, laying down her work to turn up the lamp, +‘I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will ever be +married.’ ‘Bless me, dear,’ cries Miss +Marshall, ‘what ever made you think of him?’ +‘Really I hardly know,’ replies Miss Greenwood; +‘he is such a very mysterious person, that I often wonder +about him.’ ‘Well, to tell you the +truth,’ replies Miss Marshall, ‘and so do +I.’ Here two other young ladies profess that they are +constantly doing the like, and all present appear in the same +condition except one young lady, who, not scrupling to state that +she considers Mr. Fairfax ‘a horror,’ draws down all +the opposition of the others, which having been expressed in a +great many ejaculatory passages, such as ‘Well, did I +ever!’—and ‘Lor, Emily, dear!’ ma takes +up the subject, and gravely states, that she must say she does +not think Mr. Fairfax by any means a horror, but rather takes him +to be a young man of very great ability; ‘and I am quite +sure,’ adds the worthy lady, ‘he always means a great +deal more than he says.’</p> +<p>The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all +people alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who +has been the subject of conversation! ‘Well, it +really is curious,’ cries ma, ‘we were at that very +moment talking about you.’ ‘You did me great +honour,’ replies Mr. Fairfax; ‘may I venture to ask +what you were saying?’ ‘Why, if you must +know,’ returns the eldest girl, ‘we were remarking +what a very mysterious man you are.’ ‘Ay, +ay!’ observes Mr. Fairfax, ‘Indeed!’ Now +Mr. Fairfax says this ay, ay, and indeed, which are slight words +enough in themselves, with so very unfathomable an air, and +accompanies them with such a very equivocal smile, that ma and +the young ladies are more than ever convinced that he means an +immensity, and so tell him he is a very dangerous man, and seems +to be always thinking ill of somebody, which is precisely the +sort of character the censorious young gentleman is most desirous +to establish; wherefore he says, ‘Oh, dear, no,’ in a +tone, obviously intended to mean, ‘You have me +there,’ and which gives them to understand that they have +hit the right nail on the very centre of its head.</p> +<p>When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the +censorious young gentleman’s behaviour, to the general +topics of the day, he sustains his character to admiration. +He considers the new tragedy well enough for a new tragedy, but +Lord bless us—well, no matter; he could say a great deal on +that point, but he would rather not, lest he should be thought +ill-natured, as he knows he would be. ‘But is not Mr. +So-and-so’s performance truly charming?’ inquires a +young lady. ‘Charming!’ replies the censorious +young gentleman. ‘Oh, dear, yes, certainly; very +charming—oh, very charming indeed.’ After this, +he stirs the fire, smiling contemptuously all the while: and a +modest young gentleman, who has been a silent listener, thinks +what a great thing it must be, to have such a critical +judgment. Of music, pictures, books, and poetry, the +censorious young gentleman has an equally fine conception. +As to men and women, he can tell all about them at a +glance. ‘Now let us hear your opinion of young Mrs. +Barker,’ says some great believer in the powers of Mr. +Fairfax, ‘but don’t be too severe.’ +‘I never am severe,’ replies the censorious young +gentleman. ‘Well, never mind that now. She is +very lady-like, is she not?’ ‘Lady-like!’ +repeats the censorious young gentleman (for he always repeats +when he is at a loss for anything to say). ‘Did you +observe her manner? Bless my heart and soul, Mrs. Thompson, +did you observe her manner?—that’s all I +ask.’ ‘I thought I had done so,’ rejoins +the poor lady, much perplexed; ‘I did not observe it very +closely perhaps.’ ‘Oh, not very closely,’ +rejoins the censorious young gentleman, triumphantly. +‘Very good; then <i>I</i> did. Let us talk no more +about her.’ The censorious young gentleman purses up +his lips, and nods his head sagely, as he says this; and it is +forthwith whispered about, that Mr. Fairfax (who, though he is a +little prejudiced, must be admitted to be a very excellent judge) +has observed something exceedingly odd in Mrs. Barker’s +manner.</p> +<h2><a name="page427"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 427</span>THE +FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> one funny young gentleman will +serve as a sample of all funny young Gentlemen we purpose merely +to note down the conduct and behaviour of an individual specimen +of this class, whom we happened to meet at an annual family +Christmas party in the course of this very last Christmas that +ever came.</p> +<p>We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled +pleasantly as the guests talked merrily and the urn steamed +cheerily—for, being an old-fashioned party, there +<i>was</i> an urn, and a teapot besides—when there came a +postman’s knock at the door, so violent and sudden, that it +startled the whole circle, and actually caused two or three very +interesting and most unaffected young ladies to scream aloud and +to exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and distress, until +they had been several times assured by their respective adorers, +that they were in no danger. We were about to remark that +it was surely beyond post-time, and must have been a runaway +knock, when our host, who had hitherto been paralysed with +wonder, sank into a chair in a perfect ecstasy of laughter, and +offered to lay twenty pounds that it was that droll dog +Griggins. He had no sooner said this, than the majority of +the company and all the children of the house burst into a roar +of laughter too, as if some inimitable joke flashed upon them +simultaneously, and gave vent to various exclamations of—To +be sure it must be Griggins, and How like him that was, and What +spirits he was always in! with many other commendatory remarks of +the like nature.</p> +<p>Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely +desirous to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a +stout gentleman with a powdered head, who was sitting with his +breeches buckles almost touching the hob, whispered us he was a +wit of the first water, when the door opened, and Mr. Griggins +being announced, presented himself, amidst another shout of +laughter and a loud clapping of hands from the younger +branches. This welcome he acknowledged by sundry +contortions of countenance, imitative of the clown in one of the +new pantomimes, which were so extremely successful, that one +stout gentleman rolled upon an ottoman in a paroxysm of delight, +protesting, with many gasps, that if somebody didn’t make +that fellow Griggins leave off, he would be the death of him, he +knew. At this the company only laughed more boisterously +than before, and as we always like to accommodate our tone and +spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which we find +ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, ‘Oh! +capital, capital!’ as loud as any of them.</p> +<p>When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins +received the welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went +through the needful introductions with much ease and many +puns. This ceremony over, he avowed his intention of +sitting in somebody’s lap unless the young ladies made room +for him on the sofa, which being done, after a great deal of +tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed himself among them, and +likened his condition to that of love among the roses. At +this novel jest we all roared once more. ‘You should +consider yourself highly honoured, sir,’ said we. +‘Sir,’ replied Mr. Griggins, ‘you do me +proud.’ Here everybody laughed again; and the stout +gentleman by the fire whispered in our ear that Griggins was +making a dead set at us.</p> +<p>The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round +game, and here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy, +abstracting other people’s fish, and looking over their +hands in the most comical manner. He made one most +excellent joke in snuffing a candle, which was neither more nor +less than setting fire to the hair of a pale young gentleman who +sat next him, and afterwards begging his pardon with considerable +humour. As the young gentleman could not see the joke +however, possibly in consequence of its being on the top of his +own head, it did not go off quite as well as it might have done; +indeed, the young gentleman was heard to murmur some general +references to ‘impertinence,’ and a +‘rascal,’ and to state the number of his lodgings in +an angry tone—a turn of the conversation which might have +been productive of slaughterous consequences, if a young lady, +betrothed to the young gentleman, had not used her immediate +influence to bring about a reconciliation: emphatically declaring +in an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar edification but +audible to the whole table, that if he went on in that way, she +never would think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as +that she must always regard him. At this terrible threat +the young gentleman became calm, and the young lady, overcome by +the revulsion of feeling, instantaneously fainted.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p428b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"The Funny Young Gentleman" +title= +"The Funny Young Gentleman" + src="images/p428s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>Mr. Griggins’s spirits were slightly depressed for a +short period by this unlooked-for result of such a harmless +pleasantry, but being promptly elevated by the attentions of the +host and several glasses of wine, he soon recovered, and became +even more vivacious than before, insomuch that the stout +gentleman previously referred to, assured us that although he had +known him since he was <i>that</i> high (something smaller than a +nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld him in such excellent +cue.</p> +<p>When the round game and several games at blind man’s +buff which followed it were all over, and we were going down to +supper, the inexhaustible Mr. Griggins produced a small sprig of +mistletoe from his waistcoat pocket, and commenced a general +kissing of the assembled females, which occasioned great +commotion and much excitement. We observed that several +young gentlemen—including the young gentleman with the pale +countenance—were greatly scandalised at this indecorous +proceeding, and talked very big among themselves in corners; and +we observed too, that several young ladies when remonstrated with +by the aforesaid young gentlemen, called each other to witness +how they had struggled, and protested vehemently that it was very +rude, and that they were surprised at Mrs. Brown’s allowing +it, and that they couldn’t bear it, and had no patience +with such impertinence. But such is the gentle and +forgiving nature of woman, that although we looked very narrowly +for it, we could not detect the slightest harshness in the +subsequent treatment of Mr. Griggins. Indeed, upon the +whole, it struck us that among the ladies he seemed rather more +popular than before!</p> +<p>To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would +fill such a tiny volume as this, <a name="citation429"></a><a +href="#footnote429" class="citation">[429]</a> to the very bottom +of the outside cover. How he drank out of other +people’s glasses, and ate of other people’s bread, +how he frightened into screaming convulsions a little boy who was +sitting up to supper in a high chair, by sinking below the table +and suddenly reappearing with a mask on; how the hostess was +really surprised that anybody could find a pleasure in tormenting +children, and how the host frowned at the hostess, and felt +convinced that Mr. Griggins had done it with the very best +intentions; how Mr. Griggins explained, and how everybody’s +good-humour was restored but the child’s;—to tell +these and a hundred other things ever so briefly, would occupy +more of our room and our readers’ patience, than either +they or we can conveniently spare. Therefore we change the +subject, merely observing that we have offered no description of +the funny young gentleman’s personal appearance, believing +that almost every society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving +all readers to supply the deficiency, according to the particular +circumstances of their particular case.</p> +<h2><a name="page431"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 431</span>THE +THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">All</span> gentlemen who love the +drama—and there are few gentlemen who are not attached to +the most intellectual and rational of all our amusements—do +not come within this definition. As we have no mean relish +for theatrical entertainments ourself, we are disinterestedly +anxious that this should be perfectly understood.</p> +<p>The theatrical young gentleman has early and important +information on all theatrical topics. ‘Well,’ +says he, abruptly, when you meet him in the street, +‘here’s a pretty to-do. Flimkins has thrown up +his part in the melodrama at the Surrey.’—‘And +what’s to be done?’ you inquire with as much gravity +as you can counterfeit. ‘Ah, that’s the +point,’ replies the theatrical young gentleman, looking +very serious; ‘Boozle declines it; positively declines +it. From all I am told, I should say it was decidedly in +Boozle’s line, and that he would be very likely to make a +great hit in it; but he objects on the ground of Flimkins having +been put up in the part first, and says no earthly power shall +induce him to take the character. It’s a fine part, +too—excellent business, I’m told. He has to +kill six people in the course of the piece, and to fight over a +bridge in red fire, which is as safe a card, you know, as can +be. Don’t mention it; but I hear that the last scene, +when he is first poisoned, and then stabbed, by Mrs. Flimkins as +Vengedora, will be the greatest thing that has been done these +many years.’ With this piece of news, and laying his +finger on his lips as a caution for you not to excite the town +with it, the theatrical young gentleman hurries away.</p> +<p>The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the +different theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names +for them all. Thus Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane +the lane, the Victoria the vic, and the Olympic the pic. +Actresses, too, are always designated by their surnames only, as +Taylor, Nisbett, Faucit, Honey; that talented and lady-like girl +Sheriff, that clever little creature Horton, and so on. In +the same manner he prefixes Christian names when he mentions +actors, as Charley Young, Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul +Bedford. When he is at a loss for a Christian name, the +word ‘old’ applied indiscriminately answers quite as +well: as old Charley Matthews at Vestris’s, old Harley, and +old Braham. He has a great knowledge of the private +proceedings of actresses, especially of their getting married, +and can tell you in a breath half-a-dozen who have changed their +names without avowing it. Whenever an alteration of this +kind is made in the playbills, he will remind you that he let you +into the secret six months ago.</p> +<p>The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all +that is connected with the stage department of the different +theatres. He would, at any time, prefer going a street or +two out of his way, to omitting to pass a stage-entrance, into +which he always looks with a curious and searching eye. If +he can only identify a popular actor in the street, he is in a +perfect transport of delight; and no sooner meets him, than he +hurries back, and walks a few paces in front of him, so that he +can turn round from time to time, and have a good stare at his +features. He looks upon a theatrical-fund dinner as one of +the most enchanting festivities ever known; and thinks that to be +a member of the Garrick Club, and see so many actors in their +plain clothes, must be one of the highest gratifications the +world can bestow.</p> +<p>The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price +visitor at one or other of the theatres, and has an infinite +relish for all pieces which display the fullest resources of the +establishment. He likes to place implicit reliance upon the +play-bills when he goes to see a show-piece, and works himself up +to such a pitch of enthusiasm, as not only to believe (if the +bills say so) that there are three hundred and seventy-five +people on the stage at one time in the last scene, but is highly +indignant with you, unless you believe it also. He +considers that if the stage be opened from the foot-lights to the +back wall, in any new play, the piece is a triumph of dramatic +writing, and applauds accordingly. He has a great notion of +trap-doors too; and thinks any character going down or coming up +a trap (no matter whether he be an angel or a demon—they +both do it occasionally) one of the most interesting feats in the +whole range of scenic illusion.</p> +<p>Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts +to communicate of the private manners and customs of different +actors, which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually +communicates to his partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a +supper table. Thus he is advised, that Mr. Liston always +had a footman in gorgeous livery waiting at the side-scene with a +brandy bottle and tumbler, to administer half a pint or so of +spirit to him every time he came off, without which assistance he +must infallibly have fainted. He knows for a fact, that, +after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett is put between two +feather beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is credibly +informed, that Mr. Baker has, for many years, submitted to a +course of lukewarm toast-and-water, to qualify him to sustain his +favourite characters. He looks upon Mr. Fitz Ball as the +principal dramatic genius and poet of the day; but holds that +there are great writers extant besides him,—in proof +whereof he refers you to various dramas and melodramas recently +produced, of which he takes in all the sixpenny and three-penny +editions as fast as they appear.</p> +<p>The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for +violence of emotion and redundancy of action. If a father +has to curse a child upon the stage, he likes to see it done in +the thorough-going style, with no mistake about it: to which end +it is essential that the child should follow the father on her +knees, and be knocked violently over on her face by the old +gentleman as he goes into a small cottage, and shuts the door +behind him. He likes to see a blessing invoked upon the +young lady, when the old gentleman repents, with equal +earnestness, and accompanied by the usual conventional forms, +which consist of the old gentleman looking anxiously up into the +clouds, as if to see whether it rains, and then spreading an +imaginary tablecloth in the air over the young lady’s +head—soft music playing all the while. Upon these, +and other points of a similar kind, the theatrical young +gentleman is a great critic indeed. He is likewise very +acute in judging of natural expressions of the passions, and +knows precisely the frown, wink, nod, or leer, which stands for +any one of them, or the means by which it may be converted into +any other: as jealousy, with a good stamp of the right foot, +becomes anger; or wildness, with the hands clasped before the +throat, instead of tearing the wig, is passionate love. If +you venture to express a doubt of the accuracy of any of these +portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman assures you, with a +haughty smile, that it always has been done in that way, and he +supposes they are not going to change it at this time of day to +please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply that you +suppose not.</p> +<p>There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which +the theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to +ladies whom he is most in the habit of entertaining with them; +but as we have no space to recapitulate them at greater length, +we must rest content with calling the attention of the young +ladies in general to the theatrical young gentlemen of their own +acquaintance.</p> +<h2><a name="page433"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 433</span>THE +POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Time</span> was, and not very long ago +either, when a singular epidemic raged among the young gentlemen, +vast numbers of whom, under the influence of the malady, tore off +their neckerchiefs, turned down their shirt collars, and +exhibited themselves in the open streets with bare throats and +dejected countenances, before the eyes of an astonished +public. These were poetical young gentlemen. The +custom was gradually found to be inconvenient, as involving the +necessity of too much clean linen and too large washing bills, +and these outward symptoms have consequently passed away; but we +are disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the number of +poetical young gentlemen is considerably on the increase.</p> +<p>We know a poetical young gentleman—a very poetical young +gentleman. We do not mean to say that he is troubled with +the gift of poesy in any remarkable degree, but his countenance +is of a plaintive and melancholy cast, his manner is abstracted +and bespeaks affliction of soul: he seldom has his hair cut, and +often talks about being an outcast and wanting a kindred spirit; +from which, as well as from many general observations in which he +is wont to indulge, concerning mysterious impulses, and yearnings +of the heart, and the supremacy of intellect gilding all earthly +things with the glowing magic of immortal verse, it is clear to +all his friends that he has been stricken poetical.</p> +<p>The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is +lounging on a sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or +sitting bolt upright in a high-backed chair, staring with very +round eyes at the opposite wall. When he is in one of these +positions, his mother, who is a worthy, affectionate old soul, +will give you a nudge to bespeak your attention without +disturbing the abstracted one, and whisper with a shake of the +head, that John’s imagination is at some extraordinary work +or other, you may take her word for it. Hereupon John looks +more fiercely intent upon vacancy than before, and suddenly +snatching a pencil from his pocket, puts down three words, and a +cross on the back of a card, sighs deeply, paces once or twice +across the room, inflicts a most unmerciful slap upon his head, +and walks moodily up to his dormitory.</p> +<p>The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar +notions of things too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed +with a poetical obliquity of vision, would suppose to be rather +distorted. For instance, when the sickening murder and +mangling of a wretched woman was affording delicious food +wherewithal to gorge the insatiable curiosity of the public, our +friend the poetical young gentleman was in ecstasies—not of +disgust, but admiration. ‘Heavens!’ cried the +poetical young gentleman, ‘how grand; how +great!’ We ventured deferentially to inquire upon +whom these epithets were bestowed: our humble thoughts +oscillating between the police officer who found the criminal, +and the lock-keeper who found the head. ‘Upon +whom!’ exclaimed the poetical young gentleman in a frenzy +of poetry, ‘Upon whom should they be bestowed but upon the +murderer!’—and thereupon it came out, in a fine +torrent of eloquence, that the murderer was a great spirit, a +bold creature full of daring and nerve, a man of dauntless heart +and determined courage, and withal a great casuist and able +reasoner, as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical +colloquies with the great and noble of the land. We held +our peace, and meekly signified our indisposition to controvert +these opinions—firstly, because we were no match at +quotation for the poetical young gentleman; and secondly, because +we felt it would be of little use our entering into any +disputation, if we were: being perfectly convinced that the +respectable and immoral hero in question is not the first and +will not be the last hanged gentleman upon whom false sympathy or +diseased curiosity will be plentifully expended.</p> +<p>This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young +gentleman. In his milder and softer moments he occasionally +lays down his neckcloth, and pens stanzas, which sometimes find +their way into a Lady’s Magazine, or the +‘Poets’ Corner’ of some country newspaper; or +which, in default of either vent for his genius, adorn the +rainbow leaves of a lady’s album. These are generally +written upon some such occasions as contemplating the Bank of +England by midnight, or beholding Saint Paul’s in a +snow-storm; and when these gloomy objects fail to afford him +inspiration, he pours forth his soul in a touching address to a +violet, or a plaintive lament that he is no longer a child, but +has gradually grown up.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p434b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"The Poetical Young Gentleman" +title= +"The Poetical Young Gentleman" + src="images/p434s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from +his favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding +school. He has a great deal to say too about the world, and +is much given to opining, especially if he has taken anything +strong to drink, that there is nothing in it worth living +for. He gives you to understand, however, that for the sake +of society, he means to bear his part in the tiresome play, +manfully resisting the gratification of his own strong desire to +make a premature exit; and consoles himself with the reflection, +that immortality has some chosen nook for himself and the other +great spirits whom earth has chafed and wearied.</p> +<p>When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives, +they are all superlatives. Everything is of the grandest, +greatest, noblest, mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest, +obscurest, vilest, and most pitiful. He knows no medium: +for enthusiasm is the soul of poetry; and who so enthusiastic as +a poetical young gentleman? ‘Mr. Milkwash,’ +says a young lady as she unlocks her album to receive the young +gentleman’s original impromptu contribution, ‘how +very silent you are! I think you must be in +love.’ ‘Love!’ cries the poetical young +gentleman, starting from his seat by the fire and terrifying the +cat who scampers off at full speed, ‘Love! that burning, +consuming passion; that ardour of the soul, that fierce glowing +of the heart. Love! The withering, blighting +influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted. Love +did you say! Ha! ha! ha!’</p> +<p>With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh +belonging only to poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre, +and sits down, pen in hand, to throw off a page or two of verse +in the biting, semi-atheistical demoniac style, which, like the +poetical young gentleman himself, is full of sound and fury, +signifying nothing.</p> +<h2><a name="page436"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 436</span>THE +‘THROWING-OFF’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is a certain kind of +impostor—a bragging, vaunting, puffing young +gentleman—against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer +part of the creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our +labours. And we are particularly induced to lay especial +stress upon this division of our subject, by a little dialogue we +held some short time ago, with an esteemed young lady of our +acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen of this class of +men. We had been urging all the absurdities of his conduct +and conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities he +constantly recounted—to which indeed we had not scrupled to +prefix a certain hard little word of one syllable and three +letters—when our fair friend, unable to maintain the +contest any longer, reluctantly cried, ‘Well; he certainly +has a habit of throwing-off, but then—’ What +then? Throw him off yourself, said we. And so she +did, but not at our instance, for other reasons appeared, and it +might have been better if she had done so at first.</p> +<p>The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father +possessed of vast property in some remote district of Ireland, +that we look with some suspicion upon all young gentlemen who +volunteer this description of themselves. The deceased +grandfather of the throwing-off young gentleman was a man of +immense possessions, and untold wealth; the throwing-off young +gentleman remembers, as well as if it were only yesterday, the +deceased baronet’s library, with its long rows of scarce +and valuable books in superbly embossed bindings, arranged in +cases, reaching from the lofty ceiling to the oaken floor; and +the fine antique chairs and tables, and the noble old castle of +Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid prospect of hill and dale, +and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the fine hunting stables and +the spacious court-yards, ‘and—and—everything +upon the same magnificent scale,’ says the throwing-off +young gentleman, ‘princely; quite princely. +Ah!’ And he sighs as if mourning over the fallen +fortunes of his noble house.</p> +<p>The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at +walking, running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is +unrivalled; at all games of chance or skill, at hunting, +shooting, fishing, riding, driving, or amateur theatricals, no +one can touch him—that is <i>could</i> not, because he +gives you carefully to understand, lest there should be any +opportunity of testing his skill, that he is quite out of +practice just now, and has been for some years. If you +mention any beautiful girl of your common acquaintance in his +hearing, the throwing-off young gentleman starts, smiles, and +begs you not to mind him, for it was quite involuntary: people do +say indeed that they were once engaged, but no—although she +is a very fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he +couldn’t possibly encourage the—‘but it’s +of no use talking about it!’ he adds, interrupting +himself. ‘She has got over it now, and I firmly hope +and trust is happy.’ With this benevolent aspiration +he nods his head in a mysterious manner, and whistling the first +part of some popular air, thinks perhaps it will be better to +change the subject.</p> +<p>There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off +young gentleman, which is, that he ‘happens to be +acquainted’ with a most extraordinary variety of people in +all parts of the world. Thus in all disputed questions, +when the throwing-off young gentleman has no argument to bring +forward, he invariably happens to be acquainted with some distant +person, intimately connected with the subject, whose testimony +decides the point against you, to the great—may we say +it—to the great admiration of three young ladies out of +every four, who consider the throwing-off young gentleman a very +highly-connected young man, and a most charming person.</p> +<p>Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in +upon a little family circle of young ladies who are quietly +spending the evening together, and then indeed is he at the very +height and summit of his glory; for it is to be observed that he +by no means shines to equal advantage in the presence of men as +in the society of over-credulous young ladies, which is his +proper element. It is delightful to hear the number of +pretty things the throwing-off young gentleman gives utterance +to, during tea, and still more so to observe the ease with which, +from long practice and study, he delicately blends one compliment +to a lady with two for himself. ‘Did you ever see a +more lovely blue than this flower, Mr. Caveton?’ asks a +young lady who, truth to tell, is rather smitten with the +throwing-off young gentleman. ‘Never,’ he +replies, bending over the object of admiration, ‘never but +in your eyes.’ ‘Oh, Mr. Caveton,’ cries +the young lady, blushing of course. ‘Indeed I speak +the truth,’ replies the throwing-off young gentleman, +‘I never saw any approach to them. I used to think my +cousin’s blue eyes lovely, but they grow dim and colourless +beside yours.’ ‘Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr. +Caveton!’ replies the young lady, with that perfect +artlessness which is the distinguishing characteristic of all +young ladies; ‘an affair, of course.’ +‘No; indeed, indeed you wrong me,’ rejoins the +throwing-off young gentleman with great energy. ‘I +fervently hope that her attachment towards me may be nothing but +the natural result of our close intimacy in childhood, and that +in change of scene and among new faces she may soon overcome +it. <i>I</i> love her! Think not so meanly of me, +Miss Lowfield, I beseech, as to suppose that title, lands, +riches, and beauty, can influence <i>my</i> choice. The +heart, the heart, Miss Lowfield.’ Here the +throwing-off young gentleman sinks his voice to a still lower +whisper; and the young lady duly proclaims to all the other young +ladies when they go up-stairs, to put their bonnets on, that Mr. +Caveton’s relations are all immensely rich, and that he is +hopelessly beloved by title, lands, riches, and beauty.</p> +<p>We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our +certain knowledge, was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely +able to recognise a tune by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the +guitar when he had previously satisfied himself that there was +not such an instrument within a mile of the house.</p> +<p>We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after +striking a note or two upon the piano, and accompanying it +correctly (by dint of laborious practice) with his voice, assure +a circle of wondering listeners that so acute was his ear that he +was wholly unable to sing out of tune, let him try as he +would. We have lived to witness the unmasking of another +throwing-off young gentleman, who went out a visiting in a +military cap with a gold band and tassel, and who, after passing +successfully for a captain and being lauded to the skies for his +red whiskers, his bravery, his soldierly bearing and his pride, +turned out to be the dishonest son of an honest linen-draper in a +small country town, and whom, if it were not for this fortunate +exposure, we should not yet despair of encountering as the +fortunate husband of some rich heiress. Ladies, ladies, the +throwing-off young gentlemen are often swindlers, and always +fools. So pray you avoid them.</p> +<h2><a name="page439"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 439</span>THE +YOUNG LADIES’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">This</span> young gentleman has several +titles. Some young ladies consider him ‘a nice young +man,’ others ‘a fine young man,’ others +‘quite a lady’s man,’ others ‘a handsome +man,’ others ‘a remarkably good-looking young +man.’ With some young ladies he is ‘a perfect +angel,’ and with others ‘quite a love.’ +He is likewise a charming creature, a duck, and a dear.</p> +<p>The young ladies’ young gentleman has usually a fresh +colour and very white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he +displays on every possible opportunity. He has brown or +black hair, and whiskers of the same, if possible; but a slight +tinge of red, or the hue which is vulgarly known as <i>sandy</i>, +is not considered an objection. If his head and face be +large, his nose prominent, and his figure square, he is an +uncommonly fine young man, and worshipped accordingly. +Should his whiskers meet beneath his chin, so much the better, +though this is not absolutely insisted on; but he must wear an +under-waistcoat, and smile constantly.</p> +<p>There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of +ours last summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest. As we +hold that such wild expeditions should never be indulged in, save +by people of the smallest means, who have no dinner at home, we +should indubitably have excused ourself from attending, if we had +not recollected that the projectors of the excursion were always +accompanied on such occasions by a choice sample of the young +ladies’ young gentleman, whom we were very anxious to have +an opportunity of meeting. This determined us, and we +went.</p> +<p>We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with +a trifling company of six or eight inside, and a little boy +belonging to the projectors on the box—and to start from +the residence of the projectors, Woburn-place, Russell-square, at +half-past ten precisely. We arrived at the place of +rendezvous at the appointed time, and found the glass coaches and +the little boys quite ready, and divers young ladies and young +gentlemen looking anxiously over the breakfast-parlour blinds, +who appeared by no means so much gratified by our approach as we +might have expected, but evidently wished we had been somebody +else. Observing that our arrival in lieu of the unknown +occasioned some disappointment, we ventured to inquire who was +yet to come, when we found from the hasty reply of a dozen +voices, that it was no other than the young ladies’ young +gentleman.</p> +<p>‘I cannot imagine,’ said the mamma, ‘what +has become of Mr. Balim—always so punctual, always so +pleasant and agreeable. I am sure I can-<i>not</i> +think.’ As these last words were uttered in that +measured, emphatic manner which painfully announces that the +speaker has not quite made up his or her mind what to say, but is +determined to talk on nevertheless, the eldest daughter took up +the subject, and hoped no accident had happened to Mr. Balim, +upon which there was a general chorus of ‘Dear Mr. +Balim!’ and one young lady, more adventurous than the rest, +proposed that an express should be straightway sent to dear Mr. +Balim’s lodgings. This, however, the papa resolutely +opposed, observing, in what a short young lady behind us termed +‘quite a bearish way,’ that if Mr. Balim didn’t +choose to come, he might stop at home. At this all the +daughters raised a murmur of ‘Oh pa!’ except one +sprightly little girl of eight or ten years old, who, taking +advantage of a pause in the discourse, remarked, that perhaps Mr. +Balim might have been married that morning—for which +impertinent suggestion she was summarily ejected from the room by +her eldest sister.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p441b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"The Young Ladies’ Young Gentleman" +title= +"The Young Ladies’ Young Gentleman" + src="images/p441s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness, +when one of the little boys, running into the room as airily as +little boys usually run who have an unlimited allowance of animal +food in the holidays, and keep their hands constantly forced down +to the bottoms of very deep trouser-pockets when they take +exercise, joyfully announced that Mr. Balim was at that moment +coming up the street in a hackney-cab; and the intelligence was +confirmed beyond all doubt a minute afterwards by the entry of +Mr. Balim himself, who was received with repeated cries of +‘Where have you been, you naughty creature?’ +whereunto the naughty creature replied, that he had been in bed, +in consequence of a late party the night before, and had only +just risen. The acknowledgment awakened a variety of +agonizing fears that he had taken no breakfast; which appearing +after a slight cross-examination to be the real state of the +case, breakfast for one was immediately ordered, notwithstanding +Mr. Balim’s repeated protestations that he couldn’t +think of it. He did think of it though, and thought better +of it too, for he made a remarkably good meal when it came, and +was assiduously served by a select knot of young ladies. It +was quite delightful to see how he ate and drank, while one pair +of fair hands poured out his coffee, and another put in the +sugar, and another the milk; the rest of the company ever and +anon casting angry glances at their watches, and the glass +coaches,—and the little boys looking on in an agony of +apprehension lest it should begin to rain before we set out; it +might have rained all day, after we were once too far to turn +back again, and welcome, for aught they cared.</p> +<p>However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being +accommodated with a hamper between his legs something larger than +a wheelbarrow; and the company being packed as closely as they +possibly could in the carriages, ‘according,’ as one +married lady observed, ‘to the immemorial custom, which was +half the diversion of gipsy parties.’ Thinking it +very likely it might be (we have never been able to discover the +other half), we submitted to be stowed away with a cheerful +aspect, and were fortunate enough to occupy one corner of a coach +in which were one old lady, four young ladies, and the renowned +Mr. Balim the young ladies’ young gentleman.</p> +<p>We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies’ +young gentleman hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a +young lady to inquire whether he had danced to that the night +before. ‘By Heaven, then, I did,’ replied the +young gentleman, ‘and with a lovely heiress; a superb +creature, with twenty thousand pounds.’ ‘You +seem rather struck,’ observed another young lady. +‘’Gad she was a sweet creature,’ returned the +young gentleman, arranging his hair. ‘Of course +<i>she</i> was struck too?’ inquired the first young +lady. ‘How can you ask, love?’ interposed the +second; ‘could she fail to be?’ ‘Well, +honestly I think she was,’ observed the young +gentleman. At this point of the dialogue, the young lady +who had spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman’s +right, struck him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and +said he was a vain man—whereupon the young gentleman +insisted on having the rosebud, and the young lady appealing for +help to the other young ladies, a charming struggle ensued, +terminating in the victory of the young gentleman, and the +capture of the rosebud. This little skirmish over, the +married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled sweetly +upon the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt; the +young gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting +discussion took place upon the important point whether the young +gentleman was a flirt or not, which being an agreeable +conversation of a light kind, lasted a considerable time. +At length, a short silence occurring, the young ladies on either +side of the young gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep; and the +young gentleman, winking upon us to preserve silence, won a pair +of gloves from each, thereby causing them to wake with equal +suddenness and to scream very loud. The lively conversation +to which this pleasantry gave rise, lasted for the remainder of +the ride, and would have eked out a much longer one.</p> +<p>We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under +such circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the +cork-screw and the bread. The married gentlemen were +unusually thirsty, which they attributed to the heat of the +weather; the little boys ate to inconvenience; mammas were very +jovial, and their daughters very fascinating; and the attendants +being well-behaved men, got exceedingly drunk at a respectful +distance.</p> +<p>We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that +he flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little +group of young ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he +ate from their plates and drank from their glasses in a manner +truly captivating from its excessive playfulness. His +conversation, too, was exceedingly brilliant. In fact, one +elderly lady assured us, that in the course of a little lively +<i>badinage</i> on the subject of ladies’ dresses, he had +evinced as much knowledge as if he had been born and bred a +milliner.</p> +<p>As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep +after dinner entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we +slipped away alone into a thicker part of the wood, hoping to +fall in with Mr. Balim, the greater part of the young people +having dropped off in twos and threes and the young ladies’ +young gentleman among them. Nor were we disappointed, for +we had not walked far, when, peeping through the trees, we +discovered him before us, and truly it was a pleasant thing to +contemplate his greatness.</p> +<p>The young ladies’ young gentleman was seated upon the +ground, at the feet of a few young ladies who were reclining on a +bank; he was so profusely decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers, +and other pretty spoils, that he looked like a lamb—or +perhaps a calf would be a better simile—adorned for the +sacrifice. One young lady supported a parasol over his +interesting head, another held his hat, and a third his +neck-cloth, which in romantic fashion he had thrown off; the +young gentleman himself, with his hand upon his breast, and his +face moulded into an expression of the most honeyed sweetness, +was warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal music in praise +of female loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect, that we +burst into an involuntary shout of laughter, and made a hasty +retreat.</p> +<p>What charming fellows these young ladies’ young +gentlemen are! Ducks, dears, loves, angels, are all terms +inadequate to express their merit. They are such amazingly, +uncommonly, wonderfully, nice men.</p> +<h2><a name="page443"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +443</span>CONCLUSION</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> we have placed before the young +ladies so many specimens of young gentlemen, and have also in the +dedication of this volume given them to understand how much we +reverence and admire their numerous virtues and perfections; as +we have given them such strong reasons to treat us with +confidence, and to banish, in our case, all that reserve and +distrust of the male sex which, as a point of general behaviour, +they cannot do better than preserve and maintain—we say, as +we have done all this, we feel that now, when we have arrived at +the close of our task, they may naturally press upon us the +inquiry, what particular description of young gentlemen we can +conscientiously recommend.</p> +<p>Here we are at a loss. We look over our list, and can +neither recommend the bashful young gentleman, nor the +out-and-out young gentleman, nor the very friendly young +gentleman, nor the military young gentleman, nor the political +young gentleman, nor the domestic young gentleman, nor the +censorious young gentleman, nor the funny young gentleman, nor +the theatrical young gentleman, nor the poetical young gentleman, +nor the throwing-off young gentleman, nor the young ladies’ +young gentleman.</p> +<p>As there are some good points about many of them, which still +are not sufficiently numerous to render any one among them +eligible, as a whole, our respectful advice to the young ladies +is, to seek for a young gentleman who unites in himself the best +qualities of all, and the worst weaknesses of none, and to lead +him forthwith to the hymeneal altar, whether he will or no. +And to the young lady who secures him, we beg to tender one short +fragment of matrimonial advice, selected from many sound passages +of a similar tendency, to be found in a letter written by Dean +Swift to a young lady on her marriage.</p> +<p>‘The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and +preserve the esteem of your husband. Neither good-nature +nor virtue will suffer him to <i>esteem</i> you against his +judgment; and although he is not capable of using you ill, yet +you will in time grow a thing indifferent and perhaps +contemptible; unless you can supply the loss of youth and beauty +with more durable qualities. You have but a very few years +to be young and handsome in the eyes of the world; and as few +months to be so in the eyes of a husband who is not a fool; for I +hope you do not still dream of charms and raptures, which +marriage ever did, and ever will, put a sudden end to.’</p> +<p>From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the +fortunate lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that +the young gentleman to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no +other than ourself. Without in any way committing ourself +upon this point, we have merely to observe, that we are ready to +receive sealed offers containing a full specification of age, +temper, appearance, and condition; but we beg it to be distinctly +understood that we do not pledge ourself to accept the highest +bidder.</p> +<p>These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs. +Chapman and Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other +testimonials of approbation from the young ladies generally, are +respectfully requested to be addressed.</p> +<h2>FOOTNOTES</h2> +<p><a name="footnote429"></a><a href="#citation429" +class="footnote">[429]</a> [In its original form.]</p> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN***</p> +<pre> + + +***** This file should be named 918-h.htm or 918-h.zip****** + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/9/1/918 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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