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diff --git a/old/yngcp10.txt b/old/yngcp10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..21adc2e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/yngcp10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2302 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Sketches of Young Couples, by Charles Dickens +(#24 in our series by Charles Dickens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Sketches of Young Couples + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: May, 1997 [EBook #916] +[This file was first posted on May 22, 1997] +[Most recently updated: May 8, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES *** + + + + +Transcribed from the 1903 edition by David Price, +email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + +SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES + + + + +AN URGENT REMONSTRANCE, &c + +TO THE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND, + +(BEING BACHELORS OR WIDOWERS,) + +THE REMONSTRANCE OF THEIR FAITHFUL FELLOW-SUBJECT, + +SHEWETH,- + +THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, Victoria, by the Grace of God of +the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland Queen, Defender of +the Faith, did, on the 23rd day of November last past, declare and +pronounce to Her Most Honourable Privy Council, Her Majesty's Most +Gracious intention of entering into the bonds of wedlock. + +THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, in so making known Her Most +Gracious intention to Her Most Honourable Privy Council as +aforesaid, did use and employ the words--'It is my intention to +ally myself in marriage with Prince Albert of Saxe Coburg and +Gotha.' + +THAT the present is Bissextile, or Leap Year, in which it is held +and considered lawful for any lady to offer and submit proposals of +marriage to any gentleman, and to enforce and insist upon +acceptance of the same, under pain of a certain fine or penalty; to +wit, one silk or satin dress of the first quality, to be chosen by +the lady and paid (or owed) for, by the gentleman. + +THAT these and other the horrors and dangers with which the said +Bissextile, or Leap Year, threatens the gentlemen of England on +every occasion of its periodical return, have been greatly +aggravated and augmented by the terms of Her Majesty's said Most +Gracious communication, which have filled the heads of divers young +ladies in this Realm with certain new ideas destructive to the +peace of mankind, that never entered their imagination before. + +THAT a case has occurred in Camberwell, in which a young lady +informed her Papa that 'she intended to ally herself in marriage' +with Mr. Smith of Stepney; and that another, and a very distressing +case, has occurred at Tottenham, in which a young lady not only +stated her intention of allying herself in marriage with her cousin +John, but, taking violent possession of her said cousin, actually +married him. + +THAT similar outrages are of constant occurrence, not only in the +capital and its neighbourhood, but throughout the kingdom, and that +unless the excited female populace be speedily checked and +restrained in their lawless proceedings, most deplorable results +must ensue therefrom; among which may be anticipated a most +alarming increase in the population of the country, with which no +efforts of the agricultural or manufacturing interest can possibly +keep pace. + +THAT there is strong reason to suspect the existence of a most +extensive plot, conspiracy, or design, secretly contrived by vast +numbers of single ladies in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and +Ireland, and now extending its ramifications in every quarter of +the land; the object and intent of which plainly appears to be the +holding and solemnising of an enormous and unprecedented number of +marriages, on the day on which the nuptials of Her said Most +Gracious Majesty are performed. + +THAT such plot, conspiracy, or design, strongly savours of Popery, +as tending to the discomfiture of the Clergy of the Established +Church, by entailing upon them great mental and physical +exhaustion; and that such Popish plots are fomented and encouraged +by Her Majesty's Ministers, which clearly appears--not only from +Her Majesty's principal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs +traitorously getting married while holding office under the Crown; +but from Mr. O'Connell having been heard to declare and avow that, +if he had a daughter to marry, she should be married on the same +day as Her said Most Gracious Majesty. + +THAT such arch plots, conspiracies, and designs, besides being +fraught with danger to the Established Church, and (consequently) +to the State, cannot fail to bring ruin and bankruptcy upon a large +class of Her Majesty's subjects; as a great and sudden increase in +the number of married men occasioning the comparative desertion +(for a time) of Taverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, +will deprive the Proprietors of their accustomed profits and +returns. And in further proof of the depth and baseness of such +designs, it may be here observed, that all proprietors of Taverns, +Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, are (especially the +last) solemnly devoted to the Protestant religion. + +FOR all these reasons, and many others of no less gravity and +import, an urgent appeal is made to the gentlemen of England (being +bachelors or widowers) to take immediate steps for convening a +Public meeting; To consider of the best and surest means of +averting the dangers with which they are threatened by the +recurrence of Bissextile, or Leap Year, and the additional +sensation created among single ladies by the terms of Her Majesty's +Most Gracious Declaration; To take measures, without delay, for +resisting the said single Ladies, and counteracting their evil +designs; And to pray Her Majesty to dismiss her present Ministers, +and to summon to her Councils those distinguished Gentlemen in +various Honourable Professions who, by insulting on all occasions +the only Lady in England who can be insulted with safety, have +given a sufficient guarantee to Her Majesty's Loving Subjects that +they, at least, are qualified to make war with women, and are +already expert in the use of those weapons which are common to the +lowest and most abandoned of the sex. + + + +THE YOUNG COUPLE + + + +There is to be a wedding this morning at the corner house in the +terrace. The pastry-cook's people have been there half-a-dozen +times already; all day yesterday there was a great stir and bustle, +and they were up this morning as soon as it was light. Miss Emma +Fielding is going to be married to young Mr. Harvey. + +Heaven alone can tell in what bright colours this marriage is +painted upon the mind of the little housemaid at number six, who +has hardly slept a wink all night with thinking of it, and now +stands on the unswept door-steps leaning upon her broom, and +looking wistfully towards the enchanted house. Nothing short of +omniscience can divine what visions of the baker, or the green- +grocer, or the smart and most insinuating butterman, are flitting +across her mind--what thoughts of how she would dress on such an +occasion, if she were a lady--of how she would dress, if she were +only a bride--of how cook would dress, being bridesmaid, conjointly +with her sister 'in place' at Fulham, and how the clergyman, +deeming them so many ladies, would be quite humbled and respectful. +What day-dreams of hope and happiness--of life being one perpetual +holiday, with no master and no mistress to grant or withhold it--of +every Sunday being a Sunday out--of pure freedom as to curls and +ringlets, and no obligation to hide fine heads of hair in caps-- +what pictures of happiness, vast and immense to her, but utterly +ridiculous to us, bewilder the brain of the little housemaid at +number six, all called into existence by the wedding at the corner! + +We smile at such things, and so we should, though perhaps for a +better reason than commonly presents itself. It should be pleasant +to us to know that there are notions of happiness so moderate and +limited, since upon those who entertain them, happiness and +lightness of heart are very easily bestowed. + +But the little housemaid is awakened from her reverie, for forth +from the door of the magical corner house there runs towards her, +all fluttering in smart new dress and streaming ribands, her friend +Jane Adams, who comes all out of breath to redeem a solemn promise +of taking her in, under cover of the confusion, to see the +breakfast table spread forth in state, and--sight of sights!--her +young mistress ready dressed for church. + +And there, in good truth, when they have stolen up-stairs on tip- +toe and edged themselves in at the chamber-door--there is Miss Emma +'looking like the sweetest picter,' in a white chip bonnet and +orange flowers, and all other elegancies becoming a bride, (with +the make, shape, and quality of every article of which the girl is +perfectly familiar in one moment, and never forgets to her dying +day)--and there is Miss Emma's mamma in tears, and Miss Emma's papa +comforting her, and saying how that of course she has been long +looking forward to this, and how happy she ought to be--and there +too is Miss Emma's sister with her arms round her neck, and the +other bridesmaid all smiles and tears, quieting the children, who +would cry more but that they are so finely dressed, and yet sob for +fear sister Emma should be taken away--and it is all so affecting, +that the two servant-girls cry more than anybody; and Jane Adams, +sitting down upon the stairs, when they have crept away, declares +that her legs tremble so that she don't know what to do, and that +she will say for Miss Emma, that she never had a hasty word from +her, and that she does hope and pray she may be happy. + +But Jane soon comes round again, and then surely there never was +anything like the breakfast table, glittering with plate and china, +and set out with flowers and sweets, and long-necked bottles, in +the most sumptuous and dazzling manner. In the centre, too, is the +mighty charm, the cake, glistening with frosted sugar, and +garnished beautifully. They agree that there ought to be a little +Cupid under one of the barley-sugar temples, or at least two hearts +and an arrow; but, with this exception, there is nothing to wish +for, and a table could not be handsomer. As they arrive at this +conclusion, who should come in but Mr. John! to whom Jane says that +its only Anne from number six; and John says HE knows, for he's +often winked his eye down the area, which causes Anne to blush and +look confused. She is going away, indeed; when Mr. John will have +it that she must drink a glass of wine, and he says never mind it's +being early in the morning, it won't hurt her: so they shut the +door and pour out the wine; and Anne drinking lane's health, and +adding, 'and here's wishing you yours, Mr. John,' drinks it in a +great many sips,--Mr. John all the time making jokes appropriate to +the occasion. At last Mr. John, who has waxed bolder by degrees, +pleads the usage at weddings, and claims the privilege of a kiss, +which he obtains after a great scuffle; and footsteps being now +heard on the stairs, they disperse suddenly. + +By this time a carriage has driven up to convey the bride to +church, and Anne of number six prolonging the process of 'cleaning +her door,' has the satisfaction of beholding the bride and +bridesmaids, and the papa and mamma, hurry into the same and drive +rapidly off. Nor is this all, for soon other carriages begin to +arrive with a posse of company all beautifully dressed, at whom she +could stand and gaze for ever; but having something else to do, is +compelled to take one last long look and shut the street-door. + +And now the company have gone down to breakfast, and tears have +given place to smiles, for all the corks are out of the long-necked +bottles, and their contents are disappearing rapidly. Miss Emma's +papa is at the top of the table; Miss Emma's mamma at the bottom; +and beside the latter are Miss Emma herself and her husband,-- +admitted on all hands to be the handsomest and most interesting +young couple ever known. All down both sides of the table, too, +are various young ladies, beautiful to see, and various young +gentlemen who seem to think so; and there, in a post of honour, is +an unmarried aunt of Miss Emma's, reported to possess unheard-of +riches, and to have expressed vast testamentary intentions +respecting her favourite niece and new nephew. This lady has been +very liberal and generous already, as the jewels worn by the bride +abundantly testify, but that is nothing to what she means to do, or +even to what she has done, for she put herself in close +communication with the dressmaker three months ago, and prepared a +wardrobe (with some articles worked by her own hands) fit for a +Princess. People may call her an old maid, and so she may be, but +she is neither cross nor ugly for all that; on the contrary, she is +very cheerful and pleasant-looking, and very kind and tender- +hearted: which is no matter of surprise except to those who yield +to popular prejudices without thinking why, and will never grow +wiser and never know better. + +Of all the company though, none are more pleasant to behold or +better pleased with themselves than two young children, who, in +honour of the day, have seats among the guests. Of these, one is a +little fellow of six or eight years old, brother to the bride,--and +the other a girl of the same age, or something younger, whom he +calls 'his wife.' The real bride and bridegroom are not more +devoted than they: he all love and attention, and she all blushes +and fondness, toying with a little bouquet which he gave her this +morning, and placing the scattered rose-leaves in her bosom with +nature's own coquettishness. They have dreamt of each other in +their quiet dreams, these children, and their little hearts have +been nearly broken when the absent one has been dispraised in jest. +When will there come in after-life a passion so earnest, generous, +and true as theirs; what, even in its gentlest realities, can have +the grace and charm that hover round such fairy lovers! + +By this time the merriment and happiness of the feast have gained +their height; certain ominous looks begin to be exchanged between +the bridesmaids, and somehow it gets whispered about that the +carriage which is to take the young couple into the country has +arrived. Such members of the party as are most disposed to prolong +its enjoyments, affect to consider this a false alarm, but it turns +out too true, being speedily confirmed, first by the retirement of +the bride and a select file of intimates who are to prepare her for +the journey, and secondly by the withdrawal of the ladies +generally. To this there ensues a particularly awkward pause, in +which everybody essays to be facetious, and nobody succeeds; at +length the bridegroom makes a mysterious disappearance in obedience +to some equally mysterious signal; and the table is deserted. + +Now, for at least six weeks last past it has been solemnly devised +and settled that the young couple should go away in secret; but +they no sooner appear without the door than the drawing-room +windows are blocked up with ladies waving their handkerchiefs and +kissing their hands, and the dining-room panes with gentlemen's +faces beaming farewell in every queer variety of its expression. +The hall and steps are crowded with servants in white favours, +mixed up with particular friends and relations who have darted out +to say good-bye; and foremost in the group are the tiny lovers arm +in arm, thinking, with fluttering hearts, what happiness it would +be to dash away together in that gallant coach, and never part +again. + +The bride has barely time for one hurried glance at her old home, +when the steps rattle, the door slams, the horses clatter on the +pavement, and they have left it far away. + +A knot of women servants still remain clustered in the hall, +whispering among themselves, and there of course is Anne from +number six, who has made another escape on some plea or other, and +been an admiring witness of the departure. There are two points on +which Anne expatiates over and over again, without the smallest +appearance of fatigue or intending to leave off; one is, that she +'never see in all her life such a--oh such a angel of a gentleman +as Mr. Harvey'--and the other, that she 'can't tell how it is, but +it don't seem a bit like a work-a-day, or a Sunday neither--it's +all so unsettled and unregular.' + + + +THE FORMAL COUPLE + + + +The formal couple are the most prim, cold, immovable, and +unsatisfactory people on the face of the earth. Their faces, +voices, dress, house, furniture, walk, and manner, are all the +essence of formality, unrelieved by one redeeming touch of +frankness, heartiness, or nature. + +Everything with the formal couple resolves itself into a matter of +form. They don't call upon you on your account, but their own; not +to see how you are, but to show how they are: it is not a ceremony +to do honour to you, but to themselves,--not due to your position, +but to theirs. If one of a friend's children die, the formal +couple are as sure and punctual in sending to the house as the +undertaker; if a friend's family be increased, the monthly nurse is +not more attentive than they. The formal couple, in fact, joyfully +seize all occasions of testifying their good-breeding and precise +observance of the little usages of society; and for you, who are +the means to this end, they care as much as a man does for the +tailor who has enabled him to cut a figure, or a woman for the +milliner who has assisted her to a conquest. + +Having an extensive connexion among that kind of people who make +acquaintances and eschew friends, the formal gentleman attends from +time to time a great many funerals, to which he is formally +invited, and to which he formally goes, as returning a call for the +last time. Here his deportment is of the most faultless +description; he knows the exact pitch of voice it is proper to +assume, the sombre look he ought to wear, the melancholy tread +which should be his gait for the day. He is perfectly acquainted +with all the dreary courtesies to be observed in a mourning-coach; +knows when to sigh, and when to hide his nose in the white +handkerchief; and looks into the grave and shakes his head when the +ceremony is concluded, with the sad formality of a mute. + +'What kind of funeral was it?' says the formal lady, when he +returns home. 'Oh!' replies the formal gentleman, 'there never was +such a gross and disgusting impropriety; there were no feathers.' +'No feathers!' cries the lady, as if on wings of black feathers +dead people fly to Heaven, and, lacking them, they must of +necessity go elsewhere. Her husband shakes his head; and further +adds, that they had seed-cake instead of plum-cake, and that it was +all white wine. 'All white wine!' exclaims his wife. 'Nothing but +sherry and madeira,' says the husband. 'What! no port?' 'Not a +drop.' No port, no plums, and no feathers! 'You will recollect, +my dear,' says the formal lady, in a voice of stately reproof, +'that when we first met this poor man who is now dead and gone, and +he took that very strange course of addressing me at dinner without +being previously introduced, I ventured to express my opinion that +the family were quite ignorant of etiquette, and very imperfectly +acquainted with the decencies of life. You have now had a good +opportunity of judging for yourself, and all I have to say is, that +I trust you will never go to a funeral THERE again.' 'My dear,' +replies the formal gentleman, 'I never will.' So the informal +deceased is cut in his grave; and the formal couple, when they tell +the story of the funeral, shake their heads, and wonder what some +people's feelings ARE made of, and what their notions of propriety +CAN be! + +If the formal couple have a family (which they sometimes have), +they are not children, but little, pale, sour, sharp-nosed men and +women; and so exquisitely brought up, that they might be very old +dwarfs for anything that appeareth to the contrary. Indeed, they +are so acquainted with forms and conventionalities, and conduct +themselves with such strict decorum, that to see the little girl +break a looking-glass in some wild outbreak, or the little boy kick +his parents, would be to any visitor an unspeakable relief and +consolation. + +The formal couple are always sticklers for what is rigidly proper, +and have a great readiness in detecting hidden impropriety of +speech or thought, which by less scrupulous people would be wholly +unsuspected. Thus, if they pay a visit to the theatre, they sit +all night in a perfect agony lest anything improper or immoral +should proceed from the stage; and if anything should happen to be +said which admits of a double construction, they never fail to take +it up directly, and to express by their looks the great outrage +which their feelings have sustained. Perhaps this is their chief +reason for absenting themselves almost entirely from places of +public amusement. They go sometimes to the Exhibition of the Royal +Academy;--but that is often more shocking than the stage itself, +and the formal lady thinks that it really is high time Mr. Etty was +prosecuted and made a public example of. + +We made one at a christening party not long since, where there were +amongst the guests a formal couple, who suffered the acutest +torture from certain jokes, incidental to such an occasion, cut-- +and very likely dried also--by one of the godfathers; a red-faced +elderly gentleman, who, being highly popular with the rest of the +company, had it all his own way, and was in great spirits. It was +at supper-time that this gentleman came out in full force. We-- +being of a grave and quiet demeanour--had been chosen to escort the +formal lady down-stairs, and, sitting beside her, had a favourable +opportunity of observing her emotions. + +We have a shrewd suspicion that, in the very beginning, and in the +first blush--literally the first blush--of the matter, the formal +lady had not felt quite certain whether the being present at such a +ceremony, and encouraging, as it were, the public exhibition of a +baby, was not an act involving some degree of indelicacy and +impropriety; but certain we are that when that baby's health was +drunk, and allusions were made, by a grey-headed gentleman +proposing it, to the time when he had dandled in his arms the young +Christian's mother,--certain we are that then the formal lady took +the alarm, and recoiled from the old gentleman as from a hoary +profligate. Still she bore it; she fanned herself with an +indignant air, but still she bore it. A comic song was sung, +involving a confession from some imaginary gentleman that he had +kissed a female, and yet the formal lady bore it. But when at +last, the health of the godfather before-mentioned being drunk, the +godfather rose to return thanks, and in the course of his +observations darkly hinted at babies yet unborn, and even +contemplated the possibility of the subject of that festival having +brothers and sisters, the formal lady could endure no more, but, +bowing slightly round, and sweeping haughtily past the offender, +left the room in tears, under the protection of the formal +gentleman. + + + +THE LOVING COUPLE + + + +There cannot be a better practical illustration of the wise saw and +ancient instance, that there may be too much of a good thing, than +is presented by a loving couple. Undoubtedly it is meet and proper +that two persons joined together in holy matrimony should be +loving, and unquestionably it is pleasant to know and see that they +are so; but there is a time for all things, and the couple who +happen to be always in a loving state before company, are well-nigh +intolerable. + +And in taking up this position we would have it distinctly +understood that we do not seek alone the sympathy of bachelors, in +whose objection to loving couples we recognise interested motives +and personal considerations. We grant that to that unfortunate +class of society there may be something very irritating, +tantalising, and provoking, in being compelled to witness those +gentle endearments and chaste interchanges which to loving couples +are quite the ordinary business of life. But while we recognise +the natural character of the prejudice to which these unhappy men +are subject, we can neither receive their biassed evidence, nor +address ourself to their inflamed and angered minds. Dispassionate +experience is our only guide; and in these moral essays we seek no +less to reform hymeneal offenders than to hold out a timely warning +to all rising couples, and even to those who have not yet set forth +upon their pilgrimage towards the matrimonial market. + +Let all couples, present or to come, therefore profit by the +example of Mr. and Mrs. Leaver, themselves a loving couple in the +first degree. + +Mr. and Mrs. Leaver are pronounced by Mrs. Starling, a widow lady +who lost her husband when she was young, and lost herself about the +same-time--for by her own count she has never since grown five +years older--to be a perfect model of wedded felicity. 'You would +suppose,' says the romantic lady, 'that they were lovers only just +now engaged. Never was such happiness! They are so tender, so +affectionate, so attached to each other, so enamoured, that +positively nothing can be more charming!' + +'Augusta, my soul,' says Mr. Leaver. 'Augustus, my life,' replies +Mrs. Leaver. 'Sing some little ballad, darling,' quoth Mr. Leaver. +'I couldn't, indeed, dearest,' returns Mrs. Leaver. 'Do, my dove,' +says Mr. Leaver. 'I couldn't possibly, my love,' replies Mrs. +Leaver; 'and it's very naughty of you to ask me.' 'Naughty, +darling!' cries Mr. Leaver. 'Yes, very naughty, and very cruel,' +returns Mrs. Leaver, 'for you know I have a sore throat, and that +to sing would give me great pain. You're a monster, and I hate +you. Go away!' Mrs. Leaver has said 'go away,' because Mr. Leaver +has tapped her under the chin: Mr. Leaver not doing as he is bid, +but on the contrary, sitting down beside her, Mrs. Leaver slaps Mr. +Leaver; and Mr. Leaver in return slaps Mrs. Leaver, and it being +now time for all persons present to look the other way, they look +the other way, and hear a still small sound as of kissing, at which +Mrs. Starling is thoroughly enraptured, and whispers her neighbour +that if all married couples were like that, what a heaven this +earth would be! + +The loving couple are at home when this occurs, and maybe only +three or four friends are present, but, unaccustomed to reserve +upon this interesting point, they are pretty much the same abroad. +Indeed upon some occasions, such as a pic-nic or a water-party, +their lovingness is even more developed, as we had an opportunity +last summer of observing in person. + +There was a great water-party made up to go to Twickenham and dine, +and afterwards dance in an empty villa by the river-side, hired +expressly for the purpose. Mr. and Mrs. Leaver were of the +company; and it was our fortune to have a seat in the same boat, +which was an eight-oared galley, manned by amateurs, with a blue +striped awning of the same pattern as their Guernsey shirts, and a +dingy red flag of the same shade as the whiskers of the stroke oar. +A coxswain being appointed, and all other matters adjusted, the +eight gentlemen threw themselves into strong paroxysms, and pulled +up with the tide, stimulated by the compassionate remarks of the +ladies, who one and all exclaimed, that it seemed an immense +exertion--as indeed it did. At first we raced the other boat, +which came alongside in gallant style; but this being found an +unpleasant amusement, as giving rise to a great quantity of +splashing, and rendering the cold pies and other viands very moist, +it was unanimously voted down, and we were suffered to shoot a- +head, while the second boat followed ingloriously in our wake. + +It was at this time that we first recognised Mr. Leaver. There +were two firemen-watermen in the boat, lying by until somebody was +exhausted; and one of them, who had taken upon himself the +direction of affairs, was heard to cry in a gruff voice, 'Pull +away, number two--give it her, number two--take a longer reach, +number two--now, number two, sir, think you're winning a boat.' +The greater part of the company had no doubt begun to wonder which +of the striped Guernseys it might be that stood in need of such +encouragement, when a stifled shriek from Mrs. Leaver confirmed the +doubtful and informed the ignorant; and Mr. Leaver, still further +disguised in a straw hat and no neckcloth, was observed to be in a +fearful perspiration, and failing visibly. Nor was the general +consternation diminished at this instant by the same gentleman (in +the performance of an accidental aquatic feat, termed 'catching a +crab') plunging suddenly backward, and displaying nothing of +himself to the company, but two violently struggling legs. Mrs. +Leaver shrieked again several times, and cried piteously--'Is he +dead? Tell me the worst. Is he dead?' + +Now, a moment's reflection might have convinced the loving wife, +that unless her husband were endowed with some most surprising +powers of muscular action, he never could be dead while he kicked +so hard; but still Mrs. Leaver cried, 'Is he dead? is he dead?' and +still everybody else cried--'No, no, no,' until such time as Mr. +Leaver was replaced in a sitting posture, and his oar (which had +been going through all kinds of wrong-headed performances on its +own account) was once more put in his hand, by the exertions of the +two firemen-watermen. Mr. Leaver then exclaimed, 'Augustus, my +child, come to me;' and Mr. Leaver said, 'Augusta, my love, compose +yourself, I am not injured.' But Mrs. Leaver cried again more +piteously than before, 'Augustus, my child, come to me;' and now +the company generally, who seemed to be apprehensive that if Mr. +Leaver remained where he was, he might contribute more than his +proper share towards the drowning of the party, disinterestedly +took part with Mrs. Leaver, and said he really ought to go, and +that he was not strong enough for such violent exercise, and ought +never to have undertaken it. Reluctantly, Mr. Leaver went, and +laid himself down at Mrs. Leaver's feet, and Mrs. Leaver stooping +over him, said, 'Oh Augustus, how could you terrify me so?' and Mr. +Leaver said, 'Augusta, my sweet, I never meant to terrify you;' and +Mrs. Leaver said, 'You are faint, my dear;' and Mr. Leaver said, 'I +am rather so, my love;' and they were very loving indeed under Mrs. +Leaver's veil, until at length Mr. Leaver came forth again, and +pleasantly asked if he had not heard something said about bottled +stout and sandwiches. + +Mrs. Starling, who was one of the party, was perfectly delighted +with this scene, and frequently murmured half-aside, 'What a loving +couple you are!' or 'How delightful it is to see man and wife so +happy together!' To us she was quite poetical, (for we are a kind +of cousins,) observing that hearts beating in unison like that made +life a paradise of sweets; and that when kindred creatures were +drawn together by sympathies so fine and delicate, what more than +mortal happiness did not our souls partake! To all this we +answered 'Certainly,' or 'Very true,' or merely sighed, as the case +might be. At every new act of the loving couple, the widow's +admiration broke out afresh; and when Mrs. Leaver would not permit +Mr. Leaver to keep his hat off, lest the sun should strike to his +head, and give him a brain fever, Mrs. Starling actually shed +tears, and said it reminded her of Adam and Eve. + +The loving couple were thus loving all the way to Twickenham, but +when we arrived there (by which time the amateur crew looked very +thirsty and vicious) they were more playful than ever, for Mrs. +Leaver threw stones at Mr. Leaver, and Mr. Leaver ran after Mrs. +Leaver on the grass, in a most innocent and enchanting manner. At +dinner, too, Mr. Leaver WOULD steal Mrs. Leaver's tongue, and Mrs. +Leaver WOULD retaliate upon Mr. Leaver's fowl; and when Mrs. Leaver +was going to take some lobster salad, Mr. Leaver wouldn't let her +have any, saying that it made her ill, and she was always sorry for +it afterwards, which afforded Mrs. Leaver an opportunity of +pretending to be cross, and showing many other prettinesses. But +this was merely the smiling surface of their loves, not the mighty +depths of the stream, down to which the company, to say the truth, +dived rather unexpectedly, from the following accident. It chanced +that Mr. Leaver took upon himself to propose the bachelors who had +first originated the notion of that entertainment, in doing which, +he affected to regret that he was no longer of their body himself, +and pretended grievously to lament his fallen state. This Mrs. +Leaver's feelings could not brook, even in jest, and consequently, +exclaiming aloud, 'He loves me not, he loves me not!' she fell in a +very pitiable state into the arms of Mrs. Starling, and, directly +becoming insensible, was conveyed by that lady and her husband into +another room. Presently Mr. Leaver came running back to know if +there was a medical gentleman in company, and as there was, (in +what company is there not?) both Mr. Leaver and the medical +gentleman hurried away together. + +The medical gentleman was the first who returned, and among his +intimate friends he was observed to laugh and wink, and look as +unmedical as might be; but when Mr. Leaver came back he was very +solemn, and in answer to all inquiries, shook his head, and +remarked that Augusta was far too sensitive to be trifled with--an +opinion which the widow subsequently confirmed. Finding that she +was in no imminent peril, however, the rest of the party betook +themselves to dancing on the green, and very merry and happy they +were, and a vast quantity of flirtation there was; the last +circumstance being no doubt attributable, partly to the fineness of +the weather, and partly to the locality, which is well known to be +favourable to all harmless recreations. + +In the bustle of the scene, Mr. and Mrs. Leaver stole down to the +boat, and disposed themselves under the awning, Mrs. Leaver +reclining her head upon Mr. Leaver's shoulder, and Mr. Leaver +grasping her hand with great fervour, and looking in her face from +time to time with a melancholy and sympathetic aspect. The widow +sat apart, feigning to be occupied with a book, but stealthily +observing them from behind her fan; and the two firemen-watermen, +smoking their pipes on the bank hard by, nudged each other, and +grinned in enjoyment of the joke. Very few of the party missed the +loving couple; and the few who did, heartily congratulated each +other on their disappearance. + + + +THE CONTRADICTORY COUPLE + + + +One would suppose that two people who are to pass their whole lives +together, and must necessarily be very often alone with each other, +could find little pleasure in mutual contradiction; and yet what is +more common than a contradictory couple? + +The contradictory couple agree in nothing but contradiction. They +return home from Mrs. Bluebottle's dinner-party, each in an +opposite corner of the coach, and do not exchange a syllable until +they have been seated for at least twenty minutes by the fireside +at home, when the gentleman, raising his eyes from the stove, all +at once breaks silence: + +'What a very extraordinary thing it is,' says he, 'that you WILL +contradict, Charlotte!' '_I_ contradict!' cries the lady, 'but +that's just like you.' 'What's like me?' says the gentleman +sharply. 'Saying that I contradict you,' replies the lady. 'Do +you mean to say that you do NOT contradict me?' retorts the +gentleman; 'do you mean to say that you have not been contradicting +me the whole of this day?' 'Do you mean to tell me now, that you +have not? I mean to tell you nothing of the kind,' replies the +lady quietly; 'when you are wrong, of course I shall contradict +you.' + +During this dialogue the gentleman has been taking his brandy-and- +water on one side of the fire, and the lady, with her dressing-case +on the table, has been curling her hair on the other. She now lets +down her back hair, and proceeds to brush it; preserving at the +same time an air of conscious rectitude and suffering virtue, which +is intended to exasperate the gentleman--and does so. + +'I do believe,' he says, taking the spoon out of his glass, and +tossing it on the table, 'that of all the obstinate, positive, +wrong-headed creatures that were ever born, you are the most so, +Charlotte.' 'Certainly, certainly, have it your own way, pray. +You see how much _I_ contradict you,' rejoins the lady. 'Of +course, you didn't contradict me at dinner-time--oh no, not you!' +says the gentleman. 'Yes, I did,' says the lady. 'Oh, you did,' +cries the gentleman 'you admit that?' 'If you call that +contradiction, I do,' the lady answers; 'and I say again, Edward, +that when I know you are wrong, I will contradict you. I am not +your slave.' 'Not my slave!' repeats the gentleman bitterly; 'and +you still mean to say that in the Blackburns' new house there are +not more than fourteen doors, including the door of the wine- +cellar!' 'I mean to say,' retorts the lady, beating time with her +hair-brush on the palm of her hand, 'that in that house there are +fourteen doors and no more.' 'Well then--' cries the gentleman, +rising in despair, and pacing the room with rapid strides. 'By G-, +this is enough to destroy a man's intellect, and drive him mad!' + +By and by the gentleman comes-to a little, and passing his hand +gloomily across his forehead, reseats himself in his former chair. +There is a long silence, and this time the lady begins. 'I +appealed to Mr. Jenkins, who sat next to me on the sofa in the +drawing-room during tea--' 'Morgan, you mean,' interrupts the +gentleman. 'I do not mean anything of the kind,' answers the lady. +'Now, by all that is aggravating and impossible to bear,' cries the +gentleman, clenching his hands and looking upwards in agony, 'she +is going to insist upon it that Morgan is Jenkins!' 'Do you take +me for a perfect fool?' exclaims the lady; 'do you suppose I don't +know the one from the other? Do you suppose I don't know that the +man in the blue coat was Mr. Jenkins?' 'Jenkins in a blue coat!' +cries the gentleman with a groan; 'Jenkins in a blue coat! a man +who would suffer death rather than wear anything but brown!' 'Do +you dare to charge me with telling an untruth?' demands the lady, +bursting into tears. 'I charge you, ma'am,' retorts the gentleman, +starting up, 'with being a monster of contradiction, a monster of +aggravation, a--a--a--Jenkins in a blue coat!--what have I done +that I should be doomed to hear such statements!' + +Expressing himself with great scorn and anguish, the gentleman +takes up his candle and stalks off to bed, where feigning to be +fast asleep when the lady comes up-stairs drowned in tears, +murmuring lamentations over her hard fate and indistinct intentions +of consulting her brothers, he undergoes the secret torture of +hearing her exclaim between whiles, 'I know there are only fourteen +doors in the house, I know it was Mr. Jenkins, I know he had a blue +coat on, and I would say it as positively as I do now, if they were +the last words I had to speak!' + +If the contradictory couple are blessed with children, they are not +the less contradictory on that account. Master James and Miss +Charlotte present themselves after dinner, and being in perfect +good humour, and finding their parents in the same amiable state, +augur from these appearances half a glass of wine a-piece and other +extraordinary indulgences. But unfortunately Master James, growing +talkative upon such prospects, asks his mamma how tall Mrs. Parsons +is, and whether she is not six feet high; to which his mamma +replies, 'Yes, she should think she was, for Mrs. Parsons is a very +tall lady indeed; quite a giantess.' 'For Heaven's sake, +Charlotte,' cries her husband, 'do not tell the child such +preposterous nonsense. Six feet high!' 'Well,' replies the lady, +'surely I may be permitted to have an opinion; my opinion is, that +she is six feet high--at least six feet.' 'Now you know, +Charlotte,' retorts the gentleman sternly, 'that that is NOT your +opinion--that you have no such idea--and that you only say this for +the sake of contradiction.' 'You are exceedingly polite,' his wife +replies; 'to be wrong about such a paltry question as anybody's +height, would be no great crime; but I say again, that I believe +Mrs. Parsons to be six feet--more than six feet; nay, I believe you +know her to be full six feet, and only say she is not, because I +say she is.' This taunt disposes the gentleman to become violent, +but he cheeks himself, and is content to mutter, in a haughty tone, +'Six feet--ha! ha! Mrs. Parsons six feet!' and the lady answers, +'Yes, six feet. I am sure I am glad you are amused, and I'll say +it again--six feet.' Thus the subject gradually drops off, and the +contradiction begins to be forgotten, when Master James, with some +undefined notion of making himself agreeable, and putting things to +rights again, unfortunately asks his mamma what the moon's made of; +which gives her occasion to say that he had better not ask her, for +she is always wrong and never can be right; that he only exposes +her to contradiction by asking any question of her; and that he had +better ask his papa, who is infallible, and never can be wrong. +Papa, smarting under this attack, gives a terrible pull at the +bell, and says, that if the conversation is to proceed in this way, +the children had better be removed. Removed they are, after a few +tears and many struggles; and Pa having looked at Ma sideways for a +minute or two, with a baleful eye, draws his pocket-handkerchief +over his face, and composes himself for his after-dinner nap. + +The friends of the contradictory couple often deplore their +frequent disputes, though they rather make light of them at the +same time: observing, that there is no doubt they are very much +attached to each other, and that they never quarrel except about +trifles. But neither the friends of the contradictory couple, nor +the contradictory couple themselves, reflect, that as the most +stupendous objects in nature are but vast collections of minute +particles, so the slightest and least considered trifles make up +the sum of human happiness or misery. + + + +THE COUPLE WHO DOTE UPON THEIR CHILDREN + + + +The couple who dote upon their children have usually a great many +of them: six or eight at least. The children are either the +healthiest in all the world, or the most unfortunate in existence. +In either case, they are equally the theme of their doting parents, +and equally a source of mental anguish and irritation to their +doting parents' friends. + +The couple who dote upon their children recognise no dates but +those connected with their births, accidents, illnesses, or +remarkable deeds. They keep a mental almanack with a vast number +of Innocents'-days, all in red letters. They recollect the last +coronation, because on that day little Tom fell down the kitchen +stairs; the anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot, because it was on +the fifth of November that Ned asked whether wooden legs were made +in heaven and cocked hats grew in gardens. Mrs. Whiffler will +never cease to recollect the last day of the old year as long as +she lives, for it was on that day that the baby had the four red +spots on its nose which they took for measles: nor Christmas-day, +for twenty-one days after Christmas-day the twins were born; nor +Good Friday, for it was on a Good Friday that she was frightened by +the donkey-cart when she was in the family way with Georgiana. The +movable feasts have no motion for Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler, but remain +pinned down tight and fast to the shoulders of some small child, +from whom they can never be separated any more. Time was made, +according to their creed, not for slaves but for girls and boys; +the restless sands in his glass are but little children at play. + +As we have already intimated, the children of this couple can know +no medium. They are either prodigies of good health or prodigies +of bad health; whatever they are, they must be prodigies. Mr. +Whiffler must have to describe at his office such excruciating +agonies constantly undergone by his eldest boy, as nobody else's +eldest boy ever underwent; or he must be able to declare that there +never was a child endowed with such amazing health, such an +indomitable constitution, and such a cast-iron frame, as his child. +His children must be, in some respect or other, above and beyond +the children of all other people. To such an extent is this +feeling pushed, that we were once slightly acquainted with a lady +and gentleman who carried their heads so high and became so proud +after their youngest child fell out of a two-pair-of-stairs window +without hurting himself much, that the greater part of their +friends were obliged to forego their acquaintance. But perhaps +this may be an extreme case, and one not justly entitled to be +considered as a precedent of general application. + +If a friend happen to dine in a friendly way with one of these +couples who dote upon their children, it is nearly impossible for +him to divert the conversation from their favourite topic. +Everything reminds Mr. Whiffler of Ned, or Mrs. Whiffler of Mary +Anne, or of the time before Ned was born, or the time before Mary +Anne was thought of. The slightest remark, however harmless in +itself, will awaken slumbering recollections of the twins. It is +impossible to steer clear of them. They will come uppermost, let +the poor man do what he may. Ned has been known to be lost sight +of for half an hour, Dick has been forgotten, the name of Mary Anne +has not been mentioned, but the twins will out. Nothing can keep +down the twins. + +'It's a very extraordinary thing, Saunders,' says Mr. Whiffler to +the visitor, 'but--you have seen our little babies, the--the-- +twins?' The friend's heart sinks within him as he answers, 'Oh, +yes--often.' 'Your talking of the Pyramids,' says Mr. Whiffler, +quite as a matter of course, 'reminds me of the twins. It's a very +extraordinary thing about those babies--what colour should you say +their eyes were?' 'Upon my word,' the friend stammers, 'I hardly +know how to answer'--the fact being, that except as the friend does +not remember to have heard of any departure from the ordinary +course of nature in the instance of these twins, they might have no +eyes at all for aught he has observed to the contrary. 'You +wouldn't say they were red, I suppose?' says Mr. Whiffler. The +friend hesitates, and rather thinks they are; but inferring from +the expression of Mr. Whiffler's face that red is not the colour, +smiles with some confidence, and says, 'No, no! very different from +that.' 'What should you say to blue?' says Mr. Whiffler. The +friend glances at him, and observing a different expression in his +face, ventures to say, 'I should say they WERE blue--a decided +blue.' 'To be sure!' cries Mr. Whiffler, triumphantly, 'I knew you +would! But what should you say if I was to tell you that the boy's +eyes are blue and the girl's hazel, eh?' 'Impossible!' exclaims +the friend, not at all knowing why it should be impossible. 'A +fact, notwithstanding,' cries Mr. Whiffler; 'and let me tell you, +Saunders, THAT'S not a common thing in twins, or a circumstance +that'll happen every day.' + +In this dialogue Mrs. Whiffler, as being deeply responsible for the +twins, their charms and singularities, has taken no share; but she +now relates, in broken English, a witticism of little Dick's +bearing upon the subject just discussed, which delights Mr. +Whiffler beyond measure, and causes him to declare that he would +have sworn that was Dick's if he had heard it anywhere. Then he +requests that Mrs. Whiffler will tell Saunders what Tom said about +mad bulls; and Mrs. Whiffler relating the anecdote, a discussion +ensues upon the different character of Tom's wit and Dick's wit, +from which it appears that Dick's humour is of a lively turn, while +Tom's style is the dry and caustic. This discussion being +enlivened by various illustrations, lasts a long time, and is only +stopped by Mrs. Whiffler instructing the footman to ring the +nursery bell, as the children were promised that they should come +down and taste the pudding. + +The friend turns pale when this order is given, and paler still +when it is followed up by a great pattering on the staircase, (not +unlike the sound of rain upon a skylight,) a violent bursting open +of the dining-room door, and the tumultuous appearance of six small +children, closely succeeded by a strong nursery-maid with a twin in +each arm. As the whole eight are screaming, shouting, or kicking-- +some influenced by a ravenous appetite, some by a horror of the +stranger, and some by a conflict of the two feelings--a pretty long +space elapses before all their heads can be ranged round the table +and anything like order restored; in bringing about which happy +state of things both the nurse and footman are severely scratched. +At length Mrs. Whiffler is heard to say, 'Mr. Saunders, shall I +give you some pudding?' A breathless silence ensues, and sixteen +small eyes are fixed upon the guest in expectation of his reply. A +wild shout of joy proclaims that he has said 'No, thank you.' +Spoons are waved in the air, legs appear above the table-cloth in +uncontrollable ecstasy, and eighty short fingers dabble in damson +syrup. + +While the pudding is being disposed of, Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler look +on with beaming countenances, and Mr. Whiffler nudging his friend +Saunders, begs him to take notice of Tom's eyes, or Dick's chin, or +Ned's nose, or Mary Anne's hair, or Emily's figure, or little Bob's +calves, or Fanny's mouth, or Carry's head, as the case may be. +Whatever the attention of Mr. Saunders is called to, Mr. Saunders +admires of course; though he is rather confused about the sex of +the youngest branches and looks at the wrong children, turning to a +girl when Mr. Whiffler directs his attention to a boy, and falling +into raptures with a boy when he ought to be enchanted with a girl. +Then the dessert comes, and there is a vast deal of scrambling +after fruit, and sudden spirting forth of juice out of tight +oranges into infant eyes, and much screeching and wailing in +consequence. At length it becomes time for Mrs. Whiffler to +retire, and all the children are by force of arms compelled to kiss +and love Mr. Saunders before going up-stairs, except Tom, who, +lying on his back in the hall, proclaims that Mr. Saunders 'is a +naughty beast;' and Dick, who having drunk his father's wine when +he was looking another way, is found to be intoxicated and is +carried out, very limp and helpless. + +Mr. Whiffler and his friend are left alone together, but Mr. +Whiffler's thoughts are still with his family, if his family are +not with him. 'Saunders,' says he, after a short silence, 'if you +please, we'll drink Mrs. Whiffler and the children.' Mr. Saunders +feels this to be a reproach against himself for not proposing the +same sentiment, and drinks it in some confusion. 'Ah!' Mr. +Whiffler sighs, 'these children, Saunders, make one quite an old +man.' Mr. Saunders thinks that if they were his, they would make +him a very old man; but he says nothing. 'And yet,' pursues Mr. +Whiffler, 'what can equal domestic happiness? what can equal the +engaging ways of children! Saunders, why don't you get married?' +Now, this is an embarrassing question, because Mr. Saunders has +been thinking that if he had at any time entertained matrimonial +designs, the revelation of that day would surely have routed them +for ever. 'I am glad, however,' says Mr. Whiffler, 'that you ARE a +bachelor,--glad on one account, Saunders; a selfish one, I admit. +Will you do Mrs. Whiffler and myself a favour?' Mr. Saunders is +surprised--evidently surprised; but he replies, 'with the greatest +pleasure.' 'Then, will you, Saunders,' says Mr. Whiffler, in an +impressive manner, 'will you cement and consolidate our friendship +by coming into the family (so to speak) as a godfather?' 'I shall +be proud and delighted,' replies Mr. Saunders: 'which of the +children is it? really, I thought they were all christened; or--' +'Saunders,' Mr. Whiffler interposes, 'they ARE all christened; you +are right. The fact is, that Mrs. Whiffler is--in short, we expect +another.' 'Not a ninth!' cries the friend, all aghast at the idea. +'Yes, Saunders,' rejoins Mr. Whiffler, solemnly, 'a ninth. Did we +drink Mrs. Whiffler's health? Let us drink it again, Saunders, and +wish her well over it!' + +Doctor Johnson used to tell a story of a man who had but one idea, +which was a wrong one. The couple who dote upon their children are +in the same predicament: at home or abroad, at all times, and in +all places, their thoughts are bound up in this one subject, and +have no sphere beyond. They relate the clever things their +offspring say or do, and weary every company with their prolixity +and absurdity. Mr. Whiffler takes a friend by the button at a +street corner on a windy day to tell him a bon mot of his youngest +boy's; and Mrs. Whiffler, calling to see a sick acquaintance, +entertains her with a cheerful account of all her own past +sufferings and present expectations. In such cases the sins of the +fathers indeed descend upon the children; for people soon come to +regard them as predestined little bores. The couple who dote upon +their children cannot be said to be actuated by a general love for +these engaging little people (which would be a great excuse); for +they are apt to underrate and entertain a jealousy of any children +but their own. If they examined their own hearts, they would, +perhaps, find at the bottom of all this, more self-love and egotism +than they think of. Self-love and egotism are bad qualities, of +which the unrestrained exhibition, though it may be sometimes +amusing, never fails to be wearisome and unpleasant. Couples who +dote upon their children, therefore, are best avoided. + + + +THE COOL COUPLE + + + +There is an old-fashioned weather-glass representing a house with +two doorways, in one of which is the figure of a gentleman, in the +other the figure of a lady. When the weather is to be fine the +lady comes out and the gentleman goes in; when wet, the gentleman +comes out and the lady goes in. They never seek each other's +society, are never elevated and depressed by the same cause, and +have nothing in common. They are the model of a cool couple, +except that there is something of politeness and consideration +about the behaviour of the gentleman in the weather-glass, in +which, neither of the cool couple can be said to participate. + +The cool couple are seldom alone together, and when they are, +nothing can exceed their apathy and dulness: the gentleman being +for the most part drowsy, and the lady silent. If they enter into +conversation, it is usually of an ironical or recriminatory nature. +Thus, when the gentleman has indulged in a very long yawn and +settled himself more snugly in his easy-chair, the lady will +perhaps remark, 'Well, I am sure, Charles! I hope you're +comfortable.' To which the gentleman replies, 'Oh yes, he's quite +comfortable quite.' 'There are not many married men, I hope,' +returns the lady, 'who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications +as you do.' 'Nor many wives who seek comfort in such selfish +gratifications as YOU do, I hope,' retorts the gentleman. 'Whose +fault is that?' demands the lady. The gentleman becoming more +sleepy, returns no answer. 'Whose fault is that?' the lady +repeats. The gentleman still returning no answer, she goes on to +say that she believes there never was in all this world anybody so +attached to her home, so thoroughly domestic, so unwilling to seek +a moment's gratification or pleasure beyond her own fireside as +she. God knows that before she was married she never thought or +dreamt of such a thing; and she remembers that her poor papa used +to say again and again, almost every day of his life, 'Oh, my dear +Louisa, if you only marry a man who understands you, and takes the +trouble to consider your happiness and accommodate himself a very +little to your disposition, what a treasure he will find in you!' +She supposes her papa knew what her disposition was--he had known +her long enough--he ought to have been acquainted with it, but what +can she do? If her home is always dull and lonely, and her husband +is always absent and finds no pleasure in her society, she is +naturally sometimes driven (seldom enough, she is sure) to seek a +little recreation elsewhere; she is not expected to pine and mope +to death, she hopes. 'Then come, Louisa,' says the gentleman, +waking up as suddenly as he fell asleep, 'stop at home this +evening, and so will I.' 'I should be sorry to suppose, Charles, +that you took a pleasure in aggravating me,' replies the lady; 'but +you know as well as I do that I am particularly engaged to Mrs. +Mortimer, and that it would be an act of the grossest rudeness and +ill-breeding, after accepting a seat in her box and preventing her +from inviting anybody else, not to go.' 'Ah! there it is!' says +the gentleman, shrugging his shoulders, 'I knew that perfectly +well. I knew you couldn't devote an evening to your own home. Now +all I have to say, Louisa, is this--recollect that _I_ was quite +willing to stay at home, and that it's no fault of MINE we are not +oftener together.' + +With that the gentleman goes away to keep an old appointment at his +club, and the lady hurries off to dress for Mrs. Mortimer's; and +neither thinks of the other until by some odd chance they find +themselves alone again. + +But it must not be supposed that the cool couple are habitually a +quarrelsome one. Quite the contrary. These differences are only +occasions for a little self-excuse,--nothing more. In general they +are as easy and careless, and dispute as seldom, as any common +acquaintances may; for it is neither worth their while to put each +other out of the way, nor to ruffle themselves. + +When they meet in society, the cool couple are the best-bred people +in existence. The lady is seated in a corner among a little knot +of lady friends, one of whom exclaims, 'Why, I vow and declare +there is your husband, my dear!' 'Whose?--mine?' she says, +carelessly. 'Ay, yours, and coming this way too.' 'How very odd!' +says the lady, in a languid tone, 'I thought he had been at Dover.' +The gentleman coming up, and speaking to all the other ladies and +nodding slightly to his wife, it turns out that he has been at +Dover, and has just now returned. 'What a strange creature you +are!' cries his wife; 'and what on earth brought you here, I +wonder?' 'I came to look after you, OF COURSE,' rejoins her +husband. This is so pleasant a jest that the lady is mightily +amused, as are all the other ladies similarly situated who are +within hearing; and while they are enjoying it to the full, the +gentleman nods again, turns upon his heel, and saunters away. + +There are times, however, when his company is not so agreeable, +though equally unexpected; such as when the lady has invited one or +two particular friends to tea and scandal, and he happens to come +home in the very midst of their diversion. It is a hundred chances +to one that he remains in the house half an hour, but the lady is +rather disturbed by the intrusion, notwithstanding, and reasons +within herself,--'I am sure I never interfere with him, and why +should he interfere with me? It can scarcely be accidental; it +never happens that I have a particular reason for not wishing him +to come home, but he always comes. It's very provoking and +tiresome; and I am sure when he leaves me so much alone for his own +pleasure, the least he could do would be to do as much for mine.' +Observing what passes in her mind, the gentleman, who has come home +for his own accommodation, makes a merit of it with himself; +arrives at the conclusion that it is the very last place in which +he can hope to be comfortable; and determines, as he takes up his +hat and cane, never to be so virtuous again. + +Thus a great many cool couples go on until they are cold couples, +and the grave has closed over their folly and indifference. Loss +of name, station, character, life itself, has ensued from causes as +slight as these, before now; and when gossips tell such tales, and +aggravate their deformities, they elevate their hands and eyebrows, +and call each other to witness what a cool couple Mr. and Mrs. So- +and-so always were, even in the best of times. + + + +THE PLAUSIBLE COUPLE + + + +The plausible couple have many titles. They are 'a delightful +couple,' an 'affectionate couple,' 'a most agreeable couple, 'a +good-hearted couple,' and 'the best-natured couple in existence.' +The truth is, that the plausible couple are people of the world; +and either the way of pleasing the world has grown much easier than +it was in the days of the old man and his ass, or the old man was +but a bad hand at it, and knew very little of the trade. + +'But is it really possible to please the world!' says some doubting +reader. It is indeed. Nay, it is not only very possible, but very +easy. The ways are crooked, and sometimes foul and low. What +then? A man need but crawl upon his hands and knees, know when to +close his eyes and when his ears, when to stoop and when to stand +upright; and if by the world is meant that atom of it in which he +moves himself, he shall please it, never fear. + +Now, it will be readily seen, that if a plausible man or woman have +an easy means of pleasing the world by an adaptation of self to all +its twistings and twinings, a plausible man AND woman, or, in other +words, a plausible couple, playing into each other's hands, and +acting in concert, have a manifest advantage. Hence it is that +plausible couples scarcely ever fail of success on a pretty large +scale; and hence it is that if the reader, laying down this +unwieldy volume at the next full stop, will have the goodness to +review his or her circle of acquaintance, and to search +particularly for some man and wife with a large connexion and a +good name, not easily referable to their abilities or their wealth, +he or she (that is, the male or female reader) will certainly find +that gentleman or lady, on a very short reflection, to be a +plausible couple. + +The plausible couple are the most ecstatic people living: the most +sensitive people--to merit--on the face of the earth. Nothing +clever or virtuous escapes them. They have microscopic eyes for +such endowments, and can find them anywhere. The plausible couple +never fawn--oh no! They don't even scruple to tell their friends +of their faults. One is too generous, another too candid; a third +has a tendency to think all people like himself, and to regard +mankind as a company of angels; a fourth is kind-hearted to a +fault. 'We never flatter, my dear Mrs. Jackson,' say the plausible +couple; 'we speak our minds. Neither you nor Mr. Jackson have +faults enough. It may sound strangely, but it is true. You have +not faults enough. You know our way,--we must speak out, and +always do. Quarrel with us for saying so, if you will; but we +repeat it,--you have not faults enough!' + +The plausible couple are no less plausible to each other than to +third parties. They are always loving and harmonious. The +plausible gentleman calls his wife 'darling,' and the plausible +lady addresses him as 'dearest.' If it be Mr. and Mrs. Bobtail +Widger, Mrs. Widger is 'Lavinia, darling,' and Mr. Widger is +'Bobtail, dearest.' Speaking of each other, they observe the same +tender form. Mrs. Widger relates what 'Bobtail' said, and Mr. +Widger recounts what 'darling' thought and did. + +If you sit next to the plausible lady at a dinner-table, she takes +the earliest opportunity of expressing her belief that you are +acquainted with the Clickits; she is sure she has heard the +Clickits speak of you--she must not tell you in what terms, or you +will take her for a flatterer. You admit a knowledge of the +Clickits; the plausible lady immediately launches out in their +praise. She quite loves the Clickits. Were there ever such true- +hearted, hospitable, excellent people--such a gentle, interesting +little woman as Mrs. Clickit, or such a frank, unaffected creature +as Mr. Clickit? were there ever two people, in short, so little +spoiled by the world as they are? 'As who, darling?' cries Mr. +Widger, from the opposite side of the table. 'The Clickits, +dearest,' replies Mrs. Widger. 'Indeed you are right, darling,' +Mr. Widger rejoins; 'the Clickits are a very high-minded, worthy, +estimable couple.' Mrs. Widger remarking that Bobtail always grows +quite eloquent upon this subject, Mr. Widger admits that he feels +very strongly whenever such people as the Clickits and some other +friends of his (here he glances at the host and hostess) are +mentioned; for they are an honour to human nature, and do one good +to think of. 'YOU know the Clickits, Mrs. Jackson?' he says, +addressing the lady of the house. 'No, indeed; we have not that +pleasure,' she replies. 'You astonish me!' exclaims Mr. Widger: +'not know the Clickits! why, you are the very people of all others +who ought to be their bosom friends. You are kindred beings; you +are one and the same thing:- not know the Clickits! Now WILL you +know the Clickits? Will you make a point of knowing them? Will +you meet them in a friendly way at our house one evening, and be +acquainted with them?' Mrs. Jackson will be quite delighted; +nothing would give her more pleasure. 'Then, Lavinia, my darling,' +says Mr. Widger, 'mind you don't lose sight of that; now, pray take +care that Mr. and Mrs. Jackson know the Clickits without loss of +time. Such people ought not to be strangers to each other.' Mrs. +Widger books both families as the centre of attraction for her next +party; and Mr. Widger, going on to expatiate upon the virtues of +the Clickits, adds to their other moral qualities, that they keep +one of the neatest phaetons in town, and have two thousand a year. + +As the plausible couple never laud the merits of any absent person, +without dexterously contriving that their praises shall reflect +upon somebody who is present, so they never depreciate anything or +anybody, without turning their depreciation to the same account. +Their friend, Mr. Slummery, say they, is unquestionably a clever +painter, and would no doubt be very popular, and sell his pictures +at a very high price, if that cruel Mr. Fithers had not forestalled +him in his department of art, and made it thoroughly and completely +his own;--Fithers, it is to be observed, being present and within +hearing, and Slummery elsewhere. Is Mrs. Tabblewick really as +beautiful as people say? Why, there indeed you ask them a very +puzzling question, because there is no doubt that she is a very +charming woman, and they have long known her intimately. She is no +doubt beautiful, very beautiful; they once thought her the most +beautiful woman ever seen; still if you press them for an honest +answer, they are bound to say that this was before they had ever +seen our lovely friend on the sofa, (the sofa is hard by, and our +lovely friend can't help hearing the whispers in which this is +said;) since that time, perhaps, they have been hardly fair judges; +Mrs. Tabblewick is no doubt extremely handsome,--very like our +friend, in fact, in the form of the features,--but in point of +expression, and soul, and figure, and air altogether--oh dear! + +But while the plausible couple depreciate, they are still careful +to preserve their character for amiability and kind feeling; indeed +the depreciation itself is often made to grow out of their +excessive sympathy and good will. The plausible lady calls on a +lady who dotes upon her children, and is sitting with a little girl +upon her knee, enraptured by her artless replies, and protesting +that there is nothing she delights in so much as conversing with +these fairies; when the other lady inquires if she has seen young +Mrs. Finching lately, and whether the baby has turned out a finer +one than it promised to be. 'Oh dear!' cries the plausible lady, +'you cannot think how often Bobtail and I have talked about poor +Mrs. Finching--she is such a dear soul, and was so anxious that the +baby should be a fine child--and very naturally, because she was +very much here at one time, and there is, you know, a natural +emulation among mothers--that it is impossible to tell you how much +we have felt for her.' 'Is it weak or plain, or what?' inquires +the other. 'Weak or plain, my love,' returns the plausible lady, +'it's a fright--a perfect little fright; you never saw such a +miserable creature in all your days. Positively you must not let +her see one of these beautiful dears again, or you'll break her +heart, you will indeed.--Heaven bless this child, see how she is +looking in my face! can you conceive anything prettier than that? +If poor Mrs. Finching could only hope--but that's impossible--and +the gifts of Providence, you know--What DID I do with my pocket- +handkerchief!' + +What prompts the mother, who dotes upon her children, to comment to +her lord that evening on the plausible lady's engaging qualities +and feeling heart, and what is it that procures Mr. and Mrs. +Bobtail Widger an immediate invitation to dinner? + + + +THE NICE LITTLE COUPLE + + + +A custom once prevailed in old-fashioned circles, that when a lady +or gentleman was unable to sing a song, he or she should enliven +the company with a story. As we find ourself in the predicament of +not being able to describe (to our own satisfaction) nice little +couples in the abstract, we purpose telling in this place a little +story about a nice little couple of our acquaintance. + +Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup are the nice little couple in question. Mr. +Chirrup has the smartness, and something of the brisk, quick manner +of a small bird. Mrs. Chirrup is the prettiest of all little +women, and has the prettiest little figure conceivable. She has +the neatest little foot, and the softest little voice, and the +pleasantest little smile, and the tidiest little curls, and the +brightest little eyes, and the quietest little manner, and is, in +short, altogether one of the most engaging of all little women, +dead or alive. She is a condensation of all the domestic virtues,- +-a pocket edition of the young man's best companion,--a little +woman at a very high pressure, with an amazing quantity of goodness +and usefulness in an exceedingly small space. Little as she is, +Mrs. Chirrup might furnish forth matter for the moral equipment of +a score of housewives, six feet high in their stockings--if, in the +presence of ladies, we may be allowed the expression--and of +corresponding robustness. + +Nobody knows all this better than Mr. Chirrup, though he rather +takes on that he don't. Accordingly he is very proud of his +better-half, and evidently considers himself, as all other people +consider him, rather fortunate in having her to wife. We say +evidently, because Mr. Chirrup is a warm-hearted little fellow; and +if you catch his eye when he has been slyly glancing at Mrs. +Chirrup in company, there is a certain complacent twinkle in it, +accompanied, perhaps, by a half-expressed toss of the head, which +as clearly indicates what has been passing in his mind as if he had +put it into words, and shouted it out through a speaking-trumpet. +Moreover, Mr. Chirrup has a particularly mild and bird-like manner +of calling Mrs. Chirrup 'my dear;' and--for he is of a jocose turn- +-of cutting little witticisms upon her, and making her the subject +of various harmless pleasantries, which nobody enjoys more +thoroughly than Mrs. Chirrup herself. Mr. Chirrup, too, now and +then affects to deplore his bachelor-days, and to bemoan (with a +marvellously contented and smirking face) the loss of his freedom, +and the sorrow of his heart at having been taken captive by Mrs. +Chirrup--all of which circumstances combine to show the secret +triumph and satisfaction of Mr. Chirrup's soul. + +We have already had occasion to observe that Mrs. Chirrup is an +incomparable housewife. In all the arts of domestic arrangement +and management, in all the mysteries of confectionery-making, +pickling, and preserving, never was such a thorough adept as that +nice little body. She is, besides, a cunning worker in muslin and +fine linen, and a special hand at marketing to the very best +advantage. But if there be one branch of housekeeping in which she +excels to an utterly unparalleled and unprecedented extent, it is +in the important one of carving. A roast goose is universally +allowed to be the great stumbling-block in the way of young +aspirants to perfection in this department of science; many +promising carvers, beginning with legs of mutton, and preserving a +good reputation through fillets of veal, sirloins of beef, quarters +of lamb, fowls, and even ducks, have sunk before a roast goose, and +lost caste and character for ever. To Mrs. Chirrup the resolving a +goose into its smallest component parts is a pleasant pastime--a +practical joke--a thing to be done in a minute or so, without the +smallest interruption to the conversation of the time. No handing +the dish over to an unfortunate man upon her right or left, no wild +sharpening of the knife, no hacking and sawing at an unruly joint, +no noise, no splash, no heat, no leaving off in despair; all is +confidence and cheerfulness. The dish is set upon the table, the +cover is removed; for an instant, and only an instant, you observe +that Mrs. Chirrup's attention is distracted; she smiles, but +heareth not. You proceed with your story; meanwhile the glittering +knife is slowly upraised, both Mrs. Chirrup's wrists are slightly +but not ungracefully agitated, she compresses her lips for an +instant, then breaks into a smile, and all is over. The legs of +the bird slide gently down into a pool of gravy, the wings seem to +melt from the body, the breast separates into a row of juicy +slices, the smaller and more complicated parts of his anatomy are +perfectly developed, a cavern of stuffing is revealed, and the +goose is gone! + +To dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup is one of the pleasantest things +in the world. Mr. Chirrup has a bachelor friend, who lived with +him in his own days of single blessedness, and to whom he is +mightily attached. Contrary to the usual custom, this bachelor +friend is no less a friend of Mrs. Chirrup's, and, consequently, +whenever you dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup, you meet the bachelor +friend. It would put any reasonably-conditioned mortal into good- +humour to observe the entire unanimity which subsists between these +three; but there is a quiet welcome dimpling in Mrs. Chirrup's +face, a bustling hospitality oozing as it were out of the +waistcoat-pockets of Mr. Chirrup, and a patronising enjoyment of +their cordiality and satisfaction on the part of the bachelor +friend, which is quite delightful. On these occasions Mr. Chirrup +usually takes an opportunity of rallying the friend on being +single, and the friend retorts on Mr. Chirrup for being married, at +which moments some single young ladies present are like to die of +laughter; and we have more than once observed them bestow looks +upon the friend, which convinces us that his position is by no +means a safe one, as, indeed, we hold no bachelor's to be who +visits married friends and cracks jokes on wedlock, for certain it +is that such men walk among traps and nets and pitfalls +innumerable, and often find themselves down upon their knees at the +altar rails, taking M. or N. for their wedded wives, before they +know anything about the matter. + +However, this is no business of Mr. Chirrup's, who talks, and +laughs, and drinks his wine, and laughs again, and talks more, +until it is time to repair to the drawing-room, where, coffee +served and over, Mrs. Chirrup prepares for a round game, by sorting +the nicest possible little fish into the nicest possible little +pools, and calling Mr. Chirrup to assist her, which Mr. Chirrup +does. As they stand side by side, you find that Mr. Chirrup is the +least possible shadow of a shade taller than Mrs. Chirrup, and that +they are the neatest and best-matched little couple that can be, +which the chances are ten to one against your observing with such +effect at any other time, unless you see them in the street arm-in- +arm, or meet them some rainy day trotting along under a very small +umbrella. The round game (at which Mr. Chirrup is the merriest of +the party) being done and over, in course of time a nice little +tray appears, on which is a nice little supper; and when that is +finished likewise, and you have said 'Good night,' you find +yourself repeating a dozen times, as you ride home, that there +never was such a nice little couple as Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup. + +Whether it is that pleasant qualities, being packed more closely in +small bodies than in large, come more readily to hand than when +they are diffused over a wider space, and have to be gathered +together for use, we don't know, but as a general rule,-- +strengthened like all other rules by its exceptions,--we hold that +little people are sprightly and good-natured. The more sprightly +and good-natured people we have, the better; therefore, let us wish +well to all nice little couples, and hope that they may increase +and multiply. + + + +THE EGOTISTICAL COUPLE + + + +Egotism in couples is of two kinds.--It is our purpose to show this +by two examples. + +The egotistical couple may be young, old, middle-aged, well to do, +or ill to do; they may have a small family, a large family, or no +family at all. There is no outward sign by which an egotistical +couple may be known and avoided. They come upon you unawares; +there is no guarding against them. No man can of himself be +forewarned or forearmed against an egotistical couple. + +The egotistical couple have undergone every calamity, and +experienced every pleasurable and painful sensation of which our +nature is susceptible. You cannot by possibility tell the +egotistical couple anything they don't know, or describe to them +anything they have not felt. They have been everything but dead. +Sometimes we are tempted to wish they had been even that, but only +in our uncharitable moments, which are few and far between. + +We happened the other day, in the course of a morning call, to +encounter an egotistical couple, nor were we suffered to remain +long in ignorance of the fact, for our very first inquiry of the +lady of the house brought them into active and vigorous operation. +The inquiry was of course touching the lady's health, and the +answer happened to be, that she had not been very well. 'Oh, my +dear!' said the egotistical lady, 'don't talk of not being well. +We have been in SUCH a state since we saw you last!'--The lady of +the house happening to remark that her lord had not been well +either, the egotistical gentleman struck in: 'Never let Briggs +complain of not being well--never let Briggs complain, my dear Mrs. +Briggs, after what I have undergone within these six weeks. He +doesn't know what it is to be ill, he hasn't the least idea of it; +not the faintest conception.'--'My dear,' interposed his wife +smiling, 'you talk as if it were almost a crime in Mr. Briggs not +to have been as ill as we have been, instead of feeling thankful to +Providence that both he and our dear Mrs. Briggs are in such +blissful ignorance of real suffering.'--'My love,' returned the +egotistical gentleman, in a low and pious voice, 'you mistake me;-- +I feel grateful--very grateful. I trust our friends may never +purchase their experience as dearly as we have bought ours; I hope +they never may!' + +Having put down Mrs. Briggs upon this theme, and settled the +question thus, the egotistical gentleman turned to us, and, after a +few preliminary remarks, all tending towards and leading up to the +point he had in his mind, inquired if we happened to be acquainted +with the Dowager Lady Snorflerer. On our replying in the negative, +he presumed we had often met Lord Slang, or beyond all doubt, that +we were on intimate terms with Sir Chipkins Glogwog. Finding that +we were equally unable to lay claim to either of these +distinctions, he expressed great astonishment, and turning to his +wife with a retrospective smile, inquired who it was that had told +that capital story about the mashed potatoes. 'Who, my dear?' +returned the egotistical lady, 'why Sir Chipkins, of course; how +can you ask! Don't you remember his applying it to our cook, and +saying that you and I were so like the Prince and Princess, that he +could almost have sworn we were they?' 'To be sure, I remember +that,' said the egotistical gentleman, 'but are you quite certain +that didn't apply to the other anecdote about the Emperor of +Austria and the pump?' 'Upon my word then, I think it did,' +replied his wife. 'To be sure it did,' said the egotistical +gentleman, 'it was Slang's story, I remember now, perfectly.' +However, it turned out, a few seconds afterwards, that the +egotistical gentleman's memory was rather treacherous, as he began +to have a misgiving that the story had been told by the Dowager +Lady Snorflerer the very last time they dined there; but there +appearing, on further consideration, strong circumstantial evidence +tending to show that this couldn't be, inasmuch as the Dowager Lady +Snorflerer had been, on the occasion in question, wholly engrossed +by the egotistical lady, the egotistical gentleman recanted this +opinion; and after laying the story at the doors of a great many +great people, happily left it at last with the Duke of Scuttlewig:- +observing that it was not extraordinary he had forgotten his Grace +hitherto, as it often happened that the names of those with whom we +were upon the most familiar footing were the very last to present +themselves to our thoughts. + +It not only appeared that the egotistical couple knew everybody, +but that scarcely any event of importance or notoriety had occurred +for many years with which they had not been in some way or other +connected. Thus we learned that when the well-known attempt upon +the life of George the Third was made by Hatfield in Drury Lane +theatre, the egotistical gentleman's grandfather sat upon his right +hand and was the first man who collared him; and that the +egotistical lady's aunt, sitting within a few boxes of the royal +party, was the only person in the audience who heard his Majesty +exclaim, 'Charlotte, Charlotte, don't be frightened, don't be +frightened; they're letting off squibs, they're letting off +squibs.' When the fire broke out, which ended in the destruction +of the two Houses of Parliament, the egotistical couple, being at +the time at a drawing-room window on Blackheath, then and there +simultaneously exclaimed, to the astonishment of a whole party-- +'It's the House of Lords!' Nor was this a solitary instance of +their peculiar discernment, for chancing to be (as by a comparison +of dates and circumstances they afterwards found) in the same +omnibus with Mr. Greenacre, when he carried his victim's head about +town in a blue bag, they both remarked a singular twitching in the +muscles of his countenance; and walking down Fish Street Hill, a +few weeks since, the egotistical gentleman said to his lady-- +slightly casting up his eyes to the top of the Monument--'There's a +boy up there, my dear, reading a Bible. It's very strange. I +don't like it.--In five seconds afterwards, Sir,' says the +egotistical gentleman, bringing his hands together with one violent +clap--'the lad was over!' + +Diversifying these topics by the introduction of many others of the +same kind, and entertaining us between whiles with a minute account +of what weather and diet agreed with them, and what weather and +diet disagreed with them, and at what time they usually got up, and +at what time went to bed, with many other particulars of their +domestic economy too numerous to mention; the egotistical couple at +length took their leave, and afforded us an opportunity of doing +the same. + +Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone are an egotistical couple of another +class, for all the lady's egotism is about her husband, and all the +gentleman's about his wife. For example:- Mr. Sliverstone is a +clerical gentleman, and occasionally writes sermons, as clerical +gentlemen do. If you happen to obtain admission at the street-door +while he is so engaged, Mrs. Sliverstone appears on tip-toe, and +speaking in a solemn whisper, as if there were at least three or +four particular friends up-stairs, all upon the point of death, +implores you to be very silent, for Mr. Sliverstone is composing, +and she need not say how very important it is that he should not be +disturbed. Unwilling to interrupt anything so serious, you hasten +to withdraw, with many apologies; but this Mrs. Sliverstone will by +no means allow, observing, that she knows you would like to see +him, as it is very natural you should, and that she is determined +to make a trial for you, as you are a great favourite. So you are +led up-stairs--still on tip-toe--to the door of a little back room, +in which, as the lady informs you in a whisper, Mr. Sliverstone +always writes. No answer being returned to a couple of soft taps, +the lady opens the door, and there, sure enough, is Mr. +Sliverstone, with dishevelled hair, powdering away with pen, ink, +and paper, at a rate which, if he has any power of sustaining it, +would settle the longest sermon in no time. At first he is too +much absorbed to be roused by this intrusion; but presently looking +up, says faintly, 'Ah!' and pointing to his desk with a weary and +languid smile, extends his hand, and hopes you'll forgive him. +Then Mrs. Sliverstone sits down beside him, and taking his hand in +hers, tells you how that Mr. Sliverstone has been shut up there +ever since nine o'clock in the morning, (it is by this time twelve +at noon,) and how she knows it cannot be good for his health, and +is very uneasy about it. Unto this Mr. Sliverstone replies firmly, +that 'It must be done;' which agonizes Mrs. Sliverstone still more, +and she goes on to tell you that such were Mr. Sliverstone's +labours last week--what with the buryings, marryings, churchings, +christenings, and all together,--that when he was going up the +pulpit stairs on Sunday evening, he was obliged to hold on by the +rails, or he would certainly have fallen over into his own pew. +Mr. Sliverstone, who has been listening and smiling meekly, says, +'Not quite so bad as that, not quite so bad!' he admits though, on +cross-examination, that he WAS very near falling upon the verger +who was following him up to bolt the door; but adds, that it was +his duty as a Christian to fall upon him, if need were, and that +he, Mr. Sliverstone, and (possibly the verger too) ought to glory +in it. + +This sentiment communicates new impulse to Mrs. Sliverstone, who +launches into new praises of Mr. Sliverstone's worth and +excellence, to which he listens in the same meek silence, save when +he puts in a word of self-denial relative to some question of fact, +as--'Not seventy-two christenings that week, my dear. Only +seventy-one, only seventy-one.' At length his lady has quite +concluded, and then he says, Why should he repine, why should he +give way, why should he suffer his heart to sink within him? Is it +he alone who toils and suffers? What has she gone through, he +should like to know? What does she go through every day for him +and for society? + +With such an exordium Mr. Sliverstone launches out into glowing +praises of the conduct of Mrs. Sliverstone in the production of +eight young children, and the subsequent rearing and fostering of +the same; and thus the husband magnifies the wife, and the wife the +husband. + +This would be well enough if Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone kept it to +themselves, or even to themselves and a friend or two; but they do +not. The more hearers they have, the more egotistical the couple +become, and the more anxious they are to make believers in their +merits. Perhaps this is the worst kind of egotism. It has not +even the poor excuse of being spontaneous, but is the result of a +deliberate system and malice aforethought. Mere empty-headed +conceit excites our pity, but ostentatious hypocrisy awakens our +disgust. + + + +THE COUPLE WHO CODDLE THEMSELVES + + + +Mrs. Merrywinkle's maiden name was Chopper. She was the only child +of Mr. and Mrs. Chopper. Her father died when she was, as the +play-books express it, 'yet an infant;' and so old Mrs. Chopper, +when her daughter married, made the house of her son-in-law her +home from that time henceforth, and set up her staff of rest with +Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle. + +Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle are a couple who coddle themselves; and +the venerable Mrs. Chopper is an aider and abettor in the same. + +Mr. Merrywinkle is a rather lean and long-necked gentleman, middle- +aged and middle-sized, and usually troubled with a cold in the +head. Mrs. Merrywinkle is a delicate-looking lady, with very light +hair, and is exceedingly subject to the same unpleasant disorder. +The venerable Mrs. Chopper--who is strictly entitled to the +appellation, her daughter not being very young, otherwise than by +courtesy, at the time of her marriage, which was some years ago--is +a mysterious old lady who lurks behind a pair of spectacles, and is +afflicted with a chronic disease, respecting which she has taken a +vast deal of medical advice, and referred to a vast number of +medical books, without meeting any definition of symptoms that at +all suits her, or enables her to say, 'That's my complaint.' +Indeed, the absence of authentic information upon the subject of +this complaint would seem to be Mrs. Chopper's greatest ill, as in +all other respects she is an uncommonly hale and hearty +gentlewoman. + +Both Mr. and Mrs. Chopper wear an extraordinary quantity of +flannel, and have a habit of putting their feet in hot water to an +unnatural extent. They likewise indulge in chamomile tea and such- +like compounds, and rub themselves on the slightest provocation +with camphorated spirits and other lotions applicable to mumps, +sore-throat, rheumatism, or lumbago. + +Mr. Merrywinkle's leaving home to go to business on a damp or wet +morning is a very elaborate affair. He puts on wash-leather socks +over his stockings, and India-rubber shoes above his boots, and +wears under his waistcoat a cuirass of hare-skin. Besides these +precautions, he winds a thick shawl round his throat, and blocks up +his mouth with a large silk handkerchief. Thus accoutred, and +furnished besides with a great-coat and umbrella, he braves the +dangers of the streets; travelling in severe weather at a gentle +trot, the better to preserve the circulation, and bringing his +mouth to the surface to take breath, but very seldom, and with the +utmost caution. His office-door opened, he shoots past his clerk +at the same pace, and diving into his own private room, closes the +door, examines the window-fastenings, and gradually unrobes +himself: hanging his pocket-handkerchief on the fender to air, and +determining to write to the newspapers about the fog, which, he +says, 'has really got to that pitch that it is quite unbearable.' + +In this last opinion Mrs. Merrywinkle and her respected mother +fully concur; for though not present, their thoughts and tongues +are occupied with the same subject, which is their constant theme +all day. If anybody happens to call, Mrs. Merrywinkle opines that +they must assuredly be mad, and her first salutation is, 'Why, what +in the name of goodness can bring you out in such weather? You +know you MUST catch your death.' This assurance is corroborated by +Mrs. Chopper, who adds, in further confirmation, a dismal legend +concerning an individual of her acquaintance who, making a call +under precisely parallel circumstances, and being then in the best +health and spirits, expired in forty-eight hours afterwards, of a +complication of inflammatory disorders. The visitor, rendered not +altogether comfortable perhaps by this and other precedents, +inquires very affectionately after Mr. Merrywinkle, but by so doing +brings about no change of the subject; for Mr. Merrywinkle's name +is inseparably connected with his complaints, and his complaints +are inseparably connected with Mrs. Merrywinkle's; and when these +are done with, Mrs. Chopper, who has been biding her time, cuts in +with the chronic disorder--a subject upon which the amiable old +lady never leaves off speaking until she is left alone, and very +often not then. + +But Mr. Merrywinkle comes home to dinner. He is received by Mrs. +Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper, who, on his remarking that he thinks +his feet are damp, turn pale as ashes and drag him up-stairs, +imploring him to have them rubbed directly with a dry coarse towel. +Rubbed they are, one by Mrs. Merrywinkle and one by Mrs. Chopper, +until the friction causes Mr. Merrywinkle to make horrible faces, +and look as if he had been smelling very powerful onions; when they +desist, and the patient, provided for his better security with +thick worsted stockings and list slippers, is borne down-stairs to +dinner. Now, the dinner is always a good one, the appetites of the +diners being delicate, and requiring a little of what Mrs. +Merrywinkle calls 'tittivation;' the secret of which is understood +to lie in good cookery and tasteful spices, and which process is so +successfully performed in the present instance, that both Mr. and +Mrs. Merrywinkle eat a remarkably good dinner, and even the +afflicted Mrs. Chopper wields her knife and fork with much of the +spirit and elasticity of youth. But Mr. Merrywinkle, in his desire +to gratify his appetite, is not unmindful of his health, for he has +a bottle of carbonate of soda with which to qualify his porter, and +a little pair of scales in which to weigh it out. Neither in his +anxiety to take care of his body is he unmindful of the welfare of +his immortal part, as he always prays that for what he is going to +receive he may be made truly thankful; and in order that he may be +as thankful as possible, eats and drinks to the utmost. + +Either from eating and drinking so much, or from being the victim +of this constitutional infirmity, among others, Mr. Merrywinkle, +after two or three glasses of wine, falls fast asleep; and he has +scarcely closed his eyes, when Mrs. Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper +fall asleep likewise. It is on awakening at tea-time that their +most alarming symptoms prevail; for then Mr. Merrywinkle feels as +if his temples were tightly bound round with the chain of the +street-door, and Mrs. Merrywinkle as if she had made a hearty +dinner of half-hundredweights, and Mrs. Chopper as if cold water +were running down her back, and oyster-knives with sharp points +were plunging of their own accord into her ribs. Symptoms like +these are enough to make people peevish, and no wonder that they +remain so until supper-time, doing little more than doze and +complain, unless Mr. Merrywinkle calls out very loudly to a servant +'to keep that draught out,' or rushes into the passage to flourish +his fist in the countenance of the twopenny-postman, for daring to +give such a knock as he had just performed at the door of a private +gentleman with nerves. + +Supper, coming after dinner, should consist of some gentle +provocative; and therefore the tittivating art is again in +requisition, and again--done honour to by Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, +still comforted and abetted by Mrs. Chopper. After supper, it is +ten to one but the last-named old lady becomes worse, and is led +off to bed with the chronic complaint in full vigour. Mr. and Mrs. +Merrywinkle, having administered to her a warm cordial, which is +something of the strongest, then repair to their own room, where +Mr. Merrywinkle, with his legs and feet in hot water, superintends +the mulling of some wine which he is to drink at the very moment he +plunges into bed, while Mrs. Merrywinkle, in garments whose nature +is unknown to and unimagined by all but married men, takes four +small pills with a spasmodic look between each, and finally comes +to something hot and fragrant out of another little saucepan, which +serves as her composing-draught for the night. + +There is another kind of couple who coddle themselves, and who do +so at a cheaper rate and on more spare diet, because they are +niggardly and parsimonious; for which reason they are kind enough +to coddle their visitors too. It is unnecessary to describe them, +for our readers may rest assured of the accuracy of these general +principles:- that all couples who coddle themselves are selfish and +slothful,--that they charge upon every wind that blows, every rain +that falls, and every vapour that hangs in the air, the evils which +arise from their own imprudence or the gloom which is engendered in +their own tempers,--and that all men and women, in couples or +otherwise, who fall into exclusive habits of self-indulgence, and +forget their natural sympathy and close connexion with everybody +and everything in the world around them, not only neglect the first +duty of life, but, by a happy retributive justice, deprive +themselves of its truest and best enjoyment. + + + +THE OLD COUPLE + + + +They are grandfather and grandmother to a dozen grown people and +have great-grandchildren besides; their bodies are bent, their hair +is grey, their step tottering and infirm. Is this the lightsome +pair whose wedding was so merry, and have the young couple indeed +grown old so soon! + +It seems but yesterday--and yet what a host of cares and griefs are +crowded into the intervening time which, reckoned by them, +lengthens out into a century! How many new associations have +wreathed themselves about their hearts since then! The old time is +gone, and a new time has come for others--not for them. They are +but the rusting link that feebly joins the two, and is silently +loosening its hold and dropping asunder. + +It seems but yesterday--and yet three of their children have sunk +into the grave, and the tree that shades it has grown quite old. +One was an infant--they wept for him; the next a girl, a slight +young thing too delicate for earth--her loss was hard indeed to +bear. The third, a man. That was the worst of all, but even that +grief is softened now. + +It seems but yesterday--and yet how the gay and laughing faces of +that bright morning have changed and vanished from above ground! +Faint likenesses of some remain about them yet, but they are very +faint and scarcely to be traced. The rest are only seen in dreams, +and even they are unlike what they were, in eyes so old and dim. + +One or two dresses from the bridal wardrobe are yet preserved. +They are of a quaint and antique fashion, and seldom seen except in +pictures. White has turned yellow, and brighter hues have faded. +Do you wonder, child? The wrinkled face was once as smooth as +yours, the eyes as bright, the shrivelled skin as fair and +delicate. It is the work of hands that have been dust these many +years. + +Where are the fairy lovers of that happy day whose annual return +comes upon the old man and his wife, like the echo of some village +bell which has long been silent? Let yonder peevish bachelor, +racked by rheumatic pains, and quarrelling with the world, let him +answer to the question. He recollects something of a favourite +playmate; her name was Lucy--so they tell him. He is not sure +whether she was married, or went abroad, or died. It is a long +while ago, and he don't remember. + +Is nothing as it used to be; does no one feel, or think, or act, as +in days of yore? Yes. There is an aged woman who once lived +servant with the old lady's father, and is sheltered in an alms- +house not far off. She is still attached to the family, and loves +them all; she nursed the children in her lap, and tended in their +sickness those who are no more. Her old mistress has still +something of youth in her eyes; the young ladies are like what she +was but not quite so handsome, nor are the gentlemen as stately as +Mr. Harvey used to be. She has seen a great deal of trouble; her +husband and her son died long ago; but she has got over that, and +is happy now--quite happy. + +If ever her attachment to her old protectors were disturbed by +fresher cares and hopes, it has long since resumed its former +current. It has filled the void in the poor creature's heart, and +replaced the love of kindred. Death has not left her alone, and +this, with a roof above her head, and a warm hearth to sit by, +makes her cheerful and contented. Does she remember the marriage +of great-grandmamma? Ay, that she does, as well--as if it was only +yesterday. You wouldn't think it to look at her now, and perhaps +she ought not to say so of herself, but she was as smart a young +girl then as you'd wish to see. She recollects she took a friend +of hers up-stairs to see Miss Emma dressed for church; her name +was--ah! she forgets the name, but she remembers that she was a +very pretty girl, and that she married not long afterwards, and +lived--it has quite passed out of her mind where she lived, but she +knows she had a bad husband who used her ill, and that she died in +Lambeth work-house. Dear, dear, in Lambeth workhouse! + +And the old couple--have they no comfort or enjoyment of existence? +See them among their grandchildren and great-grandchildren; how +garrulous they are, how they compare one with another, and insist +on likenesses which no one else can see; how gently the old lady +lectures the girls on points of breeding and decorum, and points +the moral by anecdotes of herself in her young days--how the old +gentleman chuckles over boyish feats and roguish tricks, and tells +long stories of a 'barring-out' achieved at the school he went to: +which was very wrong, he tells the boys, and never to be imitated +of course, but which he cannot help letting them know was very +pleasant too--especially when he kissed the master's niece. This +last, however, is a point on which the old lady is very tender, for +she considers it a shocking and indelicate thing to talk about, and +always says so whenever it is mentioned, never failing to observe +that he ought to be very penitent for having been so sinful. So +the old gentleman gets no further, and what the schoolmaster's +niece said afterwards (which he is always going to tell) is lost to +posterity. + +The old gentleman is eighty years old, to-day--'Eighty years old, +Crofts, and never had a headache,' he tells the barber who shaves +him (the barber being a young fellow, and very subject to that +complaint). 'That's a great age, Crofts,' says the old gentleman. +'I don't think it's sich a wery great age, Sir,' replied the +barber. 'Crofts,' rejoins the old gentleman, 'you're talking +nonsense to me. Eighty not a great age?' 'It's a wery great age, +Sir, for a gentleman to be as healthy and active as you are,' +returns the barber; 'but my grandfather, Sir, he was ninety-four.' +'You don't mean that, Crofts?' says the old gentleman. 'I do +indeed, Sir,' retorts the barber, 'and as wiggerous as Julius +Caesar, my grandfather was.' The old gentleman muses a little +time, and then says, 'What did he die of, Crofts?' 'He died +accidentally, Sir,' returns the barber; 'he didn't mean to do it. +He always would go a running about the streets--walking never +satisfied HIS spirit--and he run against a post and died of a hurt +in his chest.' The old gentleman says no more until the shaving is +concluded, and then he gives Crofts half-a-crown to drink his +health. He is a little doubtful of the barber's veracity +afterwards, and telling the anecdote to the old lady, affects to +make very light of it--though to be sure (he adds) there was old +Parr, and in some parts of England, ninety-five or so is a common +age, quite a common age. + +This morning the old couple are cheerful but serious, recalling old +times as well as they can remember them, and dwelling upon many +passages in their past lives which the day brings to mind. The old +lady reads aloud, in a tremulous voice, out of a great Bible, and +the old gentleman with his hand to his ear, listens with profound +respect. When the book is closed, they sit silent for a short +space, and afterwards resume their conversation, with a reference +perhaps to their dead children, as a subject not unsuited to that +they have just left. By degrees they are led to consider which of +those who survive are the most like those dearly-remembered +objects, and so they fall into a less solemn strain, and become +cheerful again. + +How many people in all, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and one +or two intimate friends of the family, dine together to-day at the +eldest son's to congratulate the old couple, and wish them many +happy returns, is a calculation beyond our powers; but this we +know, that the old couple no sooner present themselves, very +sprucely and carefully attired, than there is a violent shouting +and rushing forward of the younger branches with all manner of +presents, such as pocket-books, pencil-cases, pen-wipers, watch- +papers, pin-cushions, sleeve-buckles, worked-slippers, watch- +guards, and even a nutmeg-grater: the latter article being +presented by a very chubby and very little boy, who exhibits it in +great triumph as an extraordinary variety. The old couple's +emotion at these tokens of remembrance occasions quite a pathetic +scene, of which the chief ingredients are a vast quantity of +kissing and hugging, and repeated wipings of small eyes and noses +with small square pocket-handkerchiefs, which don't come at all +easily out of small pockets. Even the peevish bachelor is moved, +and he says, as he presents the old gentleman with a queer sort of +antique ring from his own finger, that he'll be de'ed if he doesn't +think he looks younger than he did ten years ago. + +But the great time is after dinner, when the dessert and wine are +on the table, which is pushed back to make plenty of room, and they +are all gathered in a large circle round the fire, for it is then-- +the glasses being filled, and everybody ready to drink the toast-- +that two great-grandchildren rush out at a given signal, and +presently return, dragging in old Jane Adams leaning upon her +crutched stick, and trembling with age and pleasure. Who so +popular as poor old Jane, nurse and story-teller in ordinary to two +generations; and who so happy as she, striving to bend her stiff +limbs into a curtsey, while tears of pleasure steal down her +withered cheeks! + +The old couple sit side by side, and the old time seems like +yesterday indeed. Looking back upon the path they have travelled, +its dust and ashes disappear; the flowers that withered long ago, +show brightly again upon its borders, and they grow young once more +in the youth of those about them. + + + +CONCLUSION + + + +We have taken for the subjects of the foregoing moral essays, +twelve samples of married couples, carefully selected from a large +stock on hand, open to the inspection of all comers. These samples +are intended for the benefit of the rising generation of both +sexes, and, for their more easy and pleasant information, have been +separately ticketed and labelled in the manner they have seen. + +We have purposely excluded from consideration the couple in which +the lady reigns paramount and supreme, holding such cases to be of +a very unnatural kind, and like hideous births and other monstrous +deformities, only to be discreetly and sparingly exhibited. + +And here our self-imposed task would have ended, but that to those +young ladies and gentlemen who are yet revolving singly round the +church, awaiting the advent of that time when the mysterious laws +of attraction shall draw them towards it in couples, we are +desirous of addressing a few last words. + +Before marriage and afterwards, let them learn to centre all their +hopes of real and lasting happiness in their own fireside; let them +cherish the faith that in home, and all the English virtues which +the love of home engenders, lies the only true source of domestic +felicity; let them believe that round the household gods, +contentment and tranquillity cluster in their gentlest and most +graceful forms; and that many weary hunters of happiness through +the noisy world, have learnt this truth too late, and found a +cheerful spirit and a quiet mind only at home at last. + +How much may depend on the education of daughters and the conduct +of mothers; how much of the brightest part of our old national +character may be perpetuated by their wisdom or frittered away by +their folly--how much of it may have been lost already, and how +much more in danger of vanishing every day--are questions too +weighty for discussion here, but well deserving a little serious +consideration from all young couples nevertheless. + +To that one young couple on whose bright destiny the thoughts of +nations are fixed, may the youth of England look, and not in vain, +for an example. From that one young couple, blessed and favoured +as they are, may they learn that even the glare and glitter of a +court, the splendour of a palace, and the pomp and glory of a +throne, yield in their power of conferring happiness, to domestic +worth and virtue. From that one young couple may they learn that +the crown of a great empire, costly and jewelled though it be, +gives place in the estimation of a Queen to the plain gold ring +that links her woman's nature to that of tens of thousands of her +humble subjects, and guards in her woman's heart one secret store +of tenderness, whose proudest boast shall be that it knows no +Royalty save Nature's own, and no pride of birth but being the +child of heaven! + +So shall the highest young couple in the land for once hear the +truth, when men throw up their caps, and cry with loving shouts - + + +GOD BLESS THEM. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES *** + +This file should be named yngcp10.txt or yngcp10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, yngcp11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, yngcp10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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