diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-0.txt | 2232 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-0.zip | bin | 0 -> 51191 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1738517 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/916-h.htm | 2580 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p454b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 335531 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p454s.jpg | bin | 0 -> 39841 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p458b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 222580 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p458s.jpg | bin | 0 -> 39316 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p466b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 227973 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p466s.jpg | bin | 0 -> 40436 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p478b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 231199 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p478s.jpg | bin | 0 -> 40087 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p486b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 216589 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p486s.jpg | bin | 0 -> 39898 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p490b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 221693 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 916-h/images/p490s.jpg | bin | 0 -> 39659 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/yngcp10.txt | 2302 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/yngcp10.zip | bin | 0 -> 50069 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/yngcp10h.htm | 2088 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/yngcp10h.zip | bin | 0 -> 50760 bytes |
23 files changed, 9218 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/916-0.txt b/916-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..935f53e --- /dev/null +++ b/916-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2232 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Sketches of Young Couples, by Charles Dickens + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + + +Title: Sketches of Young Couples + + +Author: Charles Dickens + + + +Release Date: April 11, 2015 [eBook #916] +[This file was first posted on May 22, 1997] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES*** + + +Transcribed from the 1903 Chapman and Hall _Sketches by Boz_ edition by +David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org + + + + + + SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES + + +CONTENTS + + PAGE +An Urgent Remonstrance, &c. 447 +The Young Couple 451 +The Formal Couple 455 +The Loving Couple 458 +The Contradictory Couple 463 +The Couple Who Dote Upon Their Children 466 +The Cool Couple 471 +The Plausible Couple 474 +The Nice Little Couple 478 +The Egotistical Couple 481 +The Couple Who Coddle Themselves 485 +The Old Couple 489 +Conclusion 493 + + + + +An Urgent Remonstrance, &c. + + + TO THE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND, + (BEING BACHELORS OR WIDOWERS,) + + THE REMONSTRANCE OF THEIR FAITHFUL FELLOW-SUBJECT, + +SHEWETH,— + +THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, Victoria, by the Grace of God of the +United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland Queen, Defender of the Faith, +did, on the 23rd day of November last past, declare and pronounce to Her +Most Honourable Privy Council, Her Majesty’s Most Gracious intention of +entering into the bonds of wedlock. + +THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, in so making known Her Most Gracious +intention to Her Most Honourable Privy Council as aforesaid, did use and +employ the words—‘It is my intention to ally myself in marriage with +Prince Albert of Saxe Coburg and Gotha.’ + +THAT the present is Bissextile, or Leap Year, in which it is held and +considered lawful for any lady to offer and submit proposals of marriage +to any gentleman, and to enforce and insist upon acceptance of the same, +under pain of a certain fine or penalty; to wit, one silk or satin dress +of the first quality, to be chosen by the lady and paid (or owed) for, by +the gentleman. + +THAT these and other the horrors and dangers with which the said +Bissextile, or Leap Year, threatens the gentlemen of England on every +occasion of its periodical return, have been greatly aggravated and +augmented by the terms of Her Majesty’s said Most Gracious communication, +which have filled the heads of divers young ladies in this Realm with +certain new ideas destructive to the peace of mankind, that never entered +their imagination before. + +THAT a case has occurred in Camberwell, in which a young lady informed +her Papa that ‘she intended to ally herself in marriage’ with Mr. Smith +of Stepney; and that another, and a very distressing case, has occurred +at Tottenham, in which a young lady not only stated her intention of +allying herself in marriage with her cousin John, but, taking violent +possession of her said cousin, actually married him. + +THAT similar outrages are of constant occurrence, not only in the capital +and its neighbourhood, but throughout the kingdom, and that unless the +excited female populace be speedily checked and restrained in their +lawless proceedings, most deplorable results must ensue therefrom; among +which may be anticipated a most alarming increase in the population of +the country, with which no efforts of the agricultural or manufacturing +interest can possibly keep pace. + +THAT there is strong reason to suspect the existence of a most extensive +plot, conspiracy, or design, secretly contrived by vast numbers of single +ladies in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, and now +extending its ramifications in every quarter of the land; the object and +intent of which plainly appears to be the holding and solemnising of an +enormous and unprecedented number of marriages, on the day on which the +nuptials of Her said Most Gracious Majesty are performed. + +THAT such plot, conspiracy, or design, strongly savours of Popery, as +tending to the discomfiture of the Clergy of the Established Church, by +entailing upon them great mental and physical exhaustion; and that such +Popish plots are fomented and encouraged by Her Majesty’s Ministers, +which clearly appears—not only from Her Majesty’s principal Secretary of +State for Foreign Affairs traitorously getting married while holding +office under the Crown; but from Mr. O’Connell having been heard to +declare and avow that, if he had a daughter to marry, she should be +married on the same day as Her said Most Gracious Majesty. + +THAT such arch plots, conspiracies, and designs, besides being fraught +with danger to the Established Church, and (consequently) to the State, +cannot fail to bring ruin and bankruptcy upon a large class of Her +Majesty’s subjects; as a great and sudden increase in the number of +married men occasioning the comparative desertion (for a time) of +Taverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, will deprive the +Proprietors of their accustomed profits and returns. And in further +proof of the depth and baseness of such designs, it may be here observed, +that all proprietors of Taverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and +Gaming-Houses, are (especially the last) solemnly devoted to the +Protestant religion. + +FOR all these reasons, and many others of no less gravity and import, an +urgent appeal is made to the gentlemen of England (being bachelors or +widowers) to take immediate steps for convening a Public meeting; To +consider of the best and surest means of averting the dangers with which +they are threatened by the recurrence of Bissextile, or Leap Year, and +the additional sensation created among single ladies by the terms of Her +Majesty’s Most Gracious Declaration; To take measures, without delay, for +resisting the said single Ladies, and counteracting their evil designs; +And to pray Her Majesty to dismiss her present Ministers, and to summon +to her Councils those distinguished Gentlemen in various Honourable +Professions who, by insulting on all occasions the only Lady in England +who can be insulted with safety, have given a sufficient guarantee to Her +Majesty’s Loving Subjects that they, at least, are qualified to make war +with women, and are already expert in the use of those weapons which are +common to the lowest and most abandoned of the sex. + + + + +THE YOUNG COUPLE + + +THERE is to be a wedding this morning at the corner house in the terrace. +The pastry-cook’s people have been there half-a-dozen times already; all +day yesterday there was a great stir and bustle, and they were up this +morning as soon as it was light. Miss Emma Fielding is going to be +married to young Mr. Harvey. + +Heaven alone can tell in what bright colours this marriage is painted +upon the mind of the little housemaid at number six, who has hardly slept +a wink all night with thinking of it, and now stands on the unswept +door-steps leaning upon her broom, and looking wistfully towards the +enchanted house. Nothing short of omniscience can divine what visions of +the baker, or the green-grocer, or the smart and most insinuating +butterman, are flitting across her mind—what thoughts of how she would +dress on such an occasion, if she were a lady—of how she would dress, if +she were only a bride—of how cook would dress, being bridesmaid, +conjointly with her sister ‘in place’ at Fulham, and how the clergyman, +deeming them so many ladies, would be quite humbled and respectful. What +day-dreams of hope and happiness—of life being one perpetual holiday, +with no master and no mistress to grant or withhold it—of every Sunday +being a Sunday out—of pure freedom as to curls and ringlets, and no +obligation to hide fine heads of hair in caps—what pictures of happiness, +vast and immense to her, but utterly ridiculous to us, bewilder the brain +of the little housemaid at number six, all called into existence by the +wedding at the corner! + +We smile at such things, and so we should, though perhaps for a better +reason than commonly presents itself. It should be pleasant to us to +know that there are notions of happiness so moderate and limited, since +upon those who entertain them, happiness and lightness of heart are very +easily bestowed. + +But the little housemaid is awakened from her reverie, for forth from the +door of the magical corner house there runs towards her, all fluttering +in smart new dress and streaming ribands, her friend Jane Adams, who +comes all out of breath to redeem a solemn promise of taking her in, +under cover of the confusion, to see the breakfast table spread forth in +state, and—sight of sights!—her young mistress ready dressed for church. + +And there, in good truth, when they have stolen up-stairs on tip-toe and +edged themselves in at the chamber-door—there is Miss Emma ‘looking like +the sweetest picter,’ in a white chip bonnet and orange flowers, and all +other elegancies becoming a bride, (with the make, shape, and quality of +every article of which the girl is perfectly familiar in one moment, and +never forgets to her dying day)—and there is Miss Emma’s mamma in tears, +and Miss Emma’s papa comforting her, and saying how that of course she +has been long looking forward to this, and how happy she ought to be—and +there too is Miss Emma’s sister with her arms round her neck, and the +other bridesmaid all smiles and tears, quieting the children, who would +cry more but that they are so finely dressed, and yet sob for fear sister +Emma should be taken away—and it is all so affecting, that the two +servant-girls cry more than anybody; and Jane Adams, sitting down upon +the stairs, when they have crept away, declares that her legs tremble so +that she don’t know what to do, and that she will say for Miss Emma, that +she never had a hasty word from her, and that she does hope and pray she +may be happy. + +But Jane soon comes round again, and then surely there never was anything +like the breakfast table, glittering with plate and china, and set out +with flowers and sweets, and long-necked bottles, in the most sumptuous +and dazzling manner. In the centre, too, is the mighty charm, the cake, +glistening with frosted sugar, and garnished beautifully. They agree +that there ought to be a little Cupid under one of the barley-sugar +temples, or at least two hearts and an arrow; but, with this exception, +there is nothing to wish for, and a table could not be handsomer. As +they arrive at this conclusion, who should come in but Mr. John! to whom +Jane says that its only Anne from number six; and John says _he_ knows, +for he’s often winked his eye down the area, which causes Anne to blush +and look confused. She is going away, indeed; when Mr. John will have it +that she must drink a glass of wine, and he says never mind it’s being +early in the morning, it won’t hurt her: so they shut the door and pour +out the wine; and Anne drinking lane’s health, and adding, ‘and here’s +wishing you yours, Mr. John,’ drinks it in a great many sips,—Mr. John +all the time making jokes appropriate to the occasion. At last Mr. John, +who has waxed bolder by degrees, pleads the usage at weddings, and claims +the privilege of a kiss, which he obtains after a great scuffle; and +footsteps being now heard on the stairs, they disperse suddenly. + +By this time a carriage has driven up to convey the bride to church, and +Anne of number six prolonging the process of ‘cleaning her door,’ has the +satisfaction of beholding the bride and bridesmaids, and the papa and +mamma, hurry into the same and drive rapidly off. Nor is this all, for +soon other carriages begin to arrive with a posse of company all +beautifully dressed, at whom she could stand and gaze for ever; but +having something else to do, is compelled to take one last long look and +shut the street-door. + +And now the company have gone down to breakfast, and tears have given +place to smiles, for all the corks are out of the long-necked bottles, +and their contents are disappearing rapidly. Miss Emma’s papa is at the +top of the table; Miss Emma’s mamma at the bottom; and beside the latter +are Miss Emma herself and her husband,—admitted on all hands to be the +handsomest and most interesting young couple ever known. All down both +sides of the table, too, are various young ladies, beautiful to see, and +various young gentlemen who seem to think so; and there, in a post of +honour, is an unmarried aunt of Miss Emma’s, reported to possess +unheard-of riches, and to have expressed vast testamentary intentions +respecting her favourite niece and new nephew. This lady has been very +liberal and generous already, as the jewels worn by the bride abundantly +testify, but that is nothing to what she means to do, or even to what she +has done, for she put herself in close communication with the dressmaker +three months ago, and prepared a wardrobe (with some articles worked by +her own hands) fit for a Princess. People may call her an old maid, and +so she may be, but she is neither cross nor ugly for all that; on the +contrary, she is very cheerful and pleasant-looking, and very kind and +tender-hearted: which is no matter of surprise except to those who yield +to popular prejudices without thinking why, and will never grow wiser and +never know better. + +Of all the company though, none are more pleasant to behold or better +pleased with themselves than two young children, who, in honour of the +day, have seats among the guests. Of these, one is a little fellow of +six or eight years old, brother to the bride,—and the other a girl of the +same age, or something younger, whom he calls ‘his wife.’ The real bride +and bridegroom are not more devoted than they: he all love and attention, +and she all blushes and fondness, toying with a little bouquet which he +gave her this morning, and placing the scattered rose-leaves in her bosom +with nature’s own coquettishness. They have dreamt of each other in +their quiet dreams, these children, and their little hearts have been +nearly broken when the absent one has been dispraised in jest. When will +there come in after-life a passion so earnest, generous, and true as +theirs; what, even in its gentlest realities, can have the grace and +charm that hover round such fairy lovers! + +By this time the merriment and happiness of the feast have gained their +height; certain ominous looks begin to be exchanged between the +bridesmaids, and somehow it gets whispered about that the carriage which +is to take the young couple into the country has arrived. Such members +of the party as are most disposed to prolong its enjoyments, affect to +consider this a false alarm, but it turns out too true, being speedily +confirmed, first by the retirement of the bride and a select file of +intimates who are to prepare her for the journey, and secondly by the +withdrawal of the ladies generally. To this there ensues a particularly +awkward pause, in which everybody essays to be facetious, and nobody +succeeds; at length the bridegroom makes a mysterious disappearance in +obedience to some equally mysterious signal; and the table is deserted. + +Now, for at least six weeks last past it has been solemnly devised and +settled that the young couple should go away in secret; but they no +sooner appear without the door than the drawing-room windows are blocked +up with ladies waving their handkerchiefs and kissing their hands, and +the dining-room panes with gentlemen’s faces beaming farewell in every +queer variety of its expression. The hall and steps are crowded with +servants in white favours, mixed up with particular friends and relations +who have darted out to say good-bye; and foremost in the group are the +tiny lovers arm in arm, thinking, with fluttering hearts, what happiness +it would be to dash away together in that gallant coach, and never part +again. + +The bride has barely time for one hurried glance at her old home, when +the steps rattle, the door slams, the horses clatter on the pavement, and +they have left it far away. + +A knot of women servants still remain clustered in the hall, whispering +among themselves, and there of course is Anne from number six, who has +made another escape on some plea or other, and been an admiring witness +of the departure. There are two points on which Anne expatiates over and +over again, without the smallest appearance of fatigue or intending to +leave off; one is, that she ‘never see in all her life such a—oh such a +angel of a gentleman as Mr. Harvey’—and the other, that she ‘can’t tell +how it is, but it don’t seem a bit like a work-a-day, or a Sunday +neither—it’s all so unsettled and unregular.’ + + [Picture: Departure of the Young Couple] + + + + +THE FORMAL COUPLE + + +THE formal couple are the most prim, cold, immovable, and unsatisfactory +people on the face of the earth. Their faces, voices, dress, house, +furniture, walk, and manner, are all the essence of formality, unrelieved +by one redeeming touch of frankness, heartiness, or nature. + +Everything with the formal couple resolves itself into a matter of form. +They don’t call upon you on your account, but their own; not to see how +you are, but to show how they are: it is not a ceremony to do honour to +you, but to themselves,—not due to your position, but to theirs. If one +of a friend’s children die, the formal couple are as sure and punctual in +sending to the house as the undertaker; if a friend’s family be +increased, the monthly nurse is not more attentive than they. The formal +couple, in fact, joyfully seize all occasions of testifying their +good-breeding and precise observance of the little usages of society; and +for you, who are the means to this end, they care as much as a man does +for the tailor who has enabled him to cut a figure, or a woman for the +milliner who has assisted her to a conquest. + +Having an extensive connexion among that kind of people who make +acquaintances and eschew friends, the formal gentleman attends from time +to time a great many funerals, to which he is formally invited, and to +which he formally goes, as returning a call for the last time. Here his +deportment is of the most faultless description; he knows the exact pitch +of voice it is proper to assume, the sombre look he ought to wear, the +melancholy tread which should be his gait for the day. He is perfectly +acquainted with all the dreary courtesies to be observed in a +mourning-coach; knows when to sigh, and when to hide his nose in the +white handkerchief; and looks into the grave and shakes his head when the +ceremony is concluded, with the sad formality of a mute. + +‘What kind of funeral was it?’ says the formal lady, when he returns +home. ‘Oh!’ replies the formal gentleman, ‘there never was such a gross +and disgusting impropriety; there were no feathers.’ ‘No feathers!’ +cries the lady, as if on wings of black feathers dead people fly to +Heaven, and, lacking them, they must of necessity go elsewhere. Her +husband shakes his head; and further adds, that they had seed-cake +instead of plum-cake, and that it was all white wine. ‘All white wine!’ +exclaims his wife. ‘Nothing but sherry and madeira,’ says the husband. +‘What! no port?’ ‘Not a drop.’ No port, no plums, and no feathers! +‘You will recollect, my dear,’ says the formal lady, in a voice of +stately reproof, ‘that when we first met this poor man who is now dead +and gone, and he took that very strange course of addressing me at dinner +without being previously introduced, I ventured to express my opinion +that the family were quite ignorant of etiquette, and very imperfectly +acquainted with the decencies of life. You have now had a good +opportunity of judging for yourself, and all I have to say is, that I +trust you will never go to a funeral _there_ again.’ ‘My dear,’ replies +the formal gentleman, ‘I never will.’ So the informal deceased is cut in +his grave; and the formal couple, when they tell the story of the +funeral, shake their heads, and wonder what some people’s feelings _are_ +made of, and what their notions of propriety _can_ be! + +If the formal couple have a family (which they sometimes have), they are +not children, but little, pale, sour, sharp-nosed men and women; and so +exquisitely brought up, that they might be very old dwarfs for anything +that appeareth to the contrary. Indeed, they are so acquainted with +forms and conventionalities, and conduct themselves with such strict +decorum, that to see the little girl break a looking-glass in some wild +outbreak, or the little boy kick his parents, would be to any visitor an +unspeakable relief and consolation. + +The formal couple are always sticklers for what is rigidly proper, and +have a great readiness in detecting hidden impropriety of speech or +thought, which by less scrupulous people would be wholly unsuspected. +Thus, if they pay a visit to the theatre, they sit all night in a perfect +agony lest anything improper or immoral should proceed from the stage; +and if anything should happen to be said which admits of a double +construction, they never fail to take it up directly, and to express by +their looks the great outrage which their feelings have sustained. +Perhaps this is their chief reason for absenting themselves almost +entirely from places of public amusement. They go sometimes to the +Exhibition of the Royal Academy;—but that is often more shocking than the +stage itself, and the formal lady thinks that it really is high time Mr. +Etty was prosecuted and made a public example of. + +We made one at a christening party not long since, where there were +amongst the guests a formal couple, who suffered the acutest torture from +certain jokes, incidental to such an occasion, cut—and very likely dried +also—by one of the godfathers; a red-faced elderly gentleman, who, being +highly popular with the rest of the company, had it all his own way, and +was in great spirits. It was at supper-time that this gentleman came out +in full force. We—being of a grave and quiet demeanour—had been chosen +to escort the formal lady down-stairs, and, sitting beside her, had a +favourable opportunity of observing her emotions. + +We have a shrewd suspicion that, in the very beginning, and in the first +blush—literally the first blush—of the matter, the formal lady had not +felt quite certain whether the being present at such a ceremony, and +encouraging, as it were, the public exhibition of a baby, was not an act +involving some degree of indelicacy and impropriety; but certain we are +that when that baby’s health was drunk, and allusions were made, by a +grey-headed gentleman proposing it, to the time when he had dandled in +his arms the young Christian’s mother,—certain we are that then the +formal lady took the alarm, and recoiled from the old gentleman as from a +hoary profligate. Still she bore it; she fanned herself with an +indignant air, but still she bore it. A comic song was sung, involving a +confession from some imaginary gentleman that he had kissed a female, and +yet the formal lady bore it. But when at last, the health of the +godfather before-mentioned being drunk, the godfather rose to return +thanks, and in the course of his observations darkly hinted at babies yet +unborn, and even contemplated the possibility of the subject of that +festival having brothers and sisters, the formal lady could endure no +more, but, bowing slightly round, and sweeping haughtily past the +offender, left the room in tears, under the protection of the formal +gentleman. + + + + +THE LOVING COUPLE + + +THERE cannot be a better practical illustration of the wise saw and +ancient instance, that there may be too much of a good thing, than is +presented by a loving couple. Undoubtedly it is meet and proper that two +persons joined together in holy matrimony should be loving, and +unquestionably it is pleasant to know and see that they are so; but there +is a time for all things, and the couple who happen to be always in a +loving state before company, are well-nigh intolerable. + +And in taking up this position we would have it distinctly understood +that we do not seek alone the sympathy of bachelors, in whose objection +to loving couples we recognise interested motives and personal +considerations. We grant that to that unfortunate class of society there +may be something very irritating, tantalising, and provoking, in being +compelled to witness those gentle endearments and chaste interchanges +which to loving couples are quite the ordinary business of life. But +while we recognise the natural character of the prejudice to which these +unhappy men are subject, we can neither receive their biassed evidence, +nor address ourself to their inflamed and angered minds. Dispassionate +experience is our only guide; and in these moral essays we seek no less +to reform hymeneal offenders than to hold out a timely warning to all +rising couples, and even to those who have not yet set forth upon their +pilgrimage towards the matrimonial market. + +Let all couples, present or to come, therefore profit by the example of +Mr. and Mrs. Leaver, themselves a loving couple in the first degree. + + [Picture: The Loving Couple] + +Mr. and Mrs. Leaver are pronounced by Mrs. Starling, a widow lady who +lost her husband when she was young, and lost herself about the +same-time—for by her own count she has never since grown five years +older—to be a perfect model of wedded felicity. ‘You would suppose,’ +says the romantic lady, ‘that they were lovers only just now engaged. +Never was such happiness! They are so tender, so affectionate, so +attached to each other, so enamoured, that positively nothing can be more +charming!’ + +‘Augusta, my soul,’ says Mr. Leaver. ‘Augustus, my life,’ replies Mrs. +Leaver. ‘Sing some little ballad, darling,’ quoth Mr. Leaver. ‘I +couldn’t, indeed, dearest,’ returns Mrs. Leaver. ‘Do, my dove,’ says Mr. +Leaver. ‘I couldn’t possibly, my love,’ replies Mrs. Leaver; ‘and it’s +very naughty of you to ask me.’ ‘Naughty, darling!’ cries Mr. Leaver. +‘Yes, very naughty, and very cruel,’ returns Mrs. Leaver, ‘for you know I +have a sore throat, and that to sing would give me great pain. You’re a +monster, and I hate you. Go away!’ Mrs. Leaver has said ‘go away,’ +because Mr. Leaver has tapped her under the chin: Mr. Leaver not doing as +he is bid, but on the contrary, sitting down beside her, Mrs. Leaver +slaps Mr. Leaver; and Mr. Leaver in return slaps Mrs. Leaver, and it +being now time for all persons present to look the other way, they look +the other way, and hear a still small sound as of kissing, at which Mrs. +Starling is thoroughly enraptured, and whispers her neighbour that if all +married couples were like that, what a heaven this earth would be! + +The loving couple are at home when this occurs, and maybe only three or +four friends are present, but, unaccustomed to reserve upon this +interesting point, they are pretty much the same abroad. Indeed upon +some occasions, such as a pic-nic or a water-party, their lovingness is +even more developed, as we had an opportunity last summer of observing in +person. + +There was a great water-party made up to go to Twickenham and dine, and +afterwards dance in an empty villa by the river-side, hired expressly for +the purpose. Mr. and Mrs. Leaver were of the company; and it was our +fortune to have a seat in the same boat, which was an eight-oared galley, +manned by amateurs, with a blue striped awning of the same pattern as +their Guernsey shirts, and a dingy red flag of the same shade as the +whiskers of the stroke oar. A coxswain being appointed, and all other +matters adjusted, the eight gentlemen threw themselves into strong +paroxysms, and pulled up with the tide, stimulated by the compassionate +remarks of the ladies, who one and all exclaimed, that it seemed an +immense exertion—as indeed it did. At first we raced the other boat, +which came alongside in gallant style; but this being found an unpleasant +amusement, as giving rise to a great quantity of splashing, and rendering +the cold pies and other viands very moist, it was unanimously voted down, +and we were suffered to shoot a-head, while the second boat followed +ingloriously in our wake. + +It was at this time that we first recognised Mr. Leaver. There were two +firemen-watermen in the boat, lying by until somebody was exhausted; and +one of them, who had taken upon himself the direction of affairs, was +heard to cry in a gruff voice, ‘Pull away, number two—give it her, number +two—take a longer reach, number two—now, number two, sir, think you’re +winning a boat.’ The greater part of the company had no doubt begun to +wonder which of the striped Guernseys it might be that stood in need of +such encouragement, when a stifled shriek from Mrs. Leaver confirmed the +doubtful and informed the ignorant; and Mr. Leaver, still further +disguised in a straw hat and no neckcloth, was observed to be in a +fearful perspiration, and failing visibly. Nor was the general +consternation diminished at this instant by the same gentleman (in the +performance of an accidental aquatic feat, termed ‘catching a crab’) +plunging suddenly backward, and displaying nothing of himself to the +company, but two violently struggling legs. Mrs. Leaver shrieked again +several times, and cried piteously—‘Is he dead? Tell me the worst. Is +he dead?’ + +Now, a moment’s reflection might have convinced the loving wife, that +unless her husband were endowed with some most surprising powers of +muscular action, he never could be dead while he kicked so hard; but +still Mrs. Leaver cried, ‘Is he dead? is he dead?’ and still everybody +else cried—‘No, no, no,’ until such time as Mr. Leaver was replaced in a +sitting posture, and his oar (which had been going through all kinds of +wrong-headed performances on its own account) was once more put in his +hand, by the exertions of the two firemen-watermen. Mr. Leaver then +exclaimed, ‘Augustus, my child, come to me;’ and Mr. Leaver said, +‘Augusta, my love, compose yourself, I am not injured.’ But Mrs. Leaver +cried again more piteously than before, ‘Augustus, my child, come to me;’ +and now the company generally, who seemed to be apprehensive that if Mr. +Leaver remained where he was, he might contribute more than his proper +share towards the drowning of the party, disinterestedly took part with +Mrs. Leaver, and said he really ought to go, and that he was not strong +enough for such violent exercise, and ought never to have undertaken it. +Reluctantly, Mr. Leaver went, and laid himself down at Mrs. Leaver’s +feet, and Mrs. Leaver stooping over him, said, ‘Oh Augustus, how could +you terrify me so?’ and Mr. Leaver said, ‘Augusta, my sweet, I never +meant to terrify you;’ and Mrs. Leaver said, ‘You are faint, my dear;’ +and Mr. Leaver said, ‘I am rather so, my love;’ and they were very loving +indeed under Mrs. Leaver’s veil, until at length Mr. Leaver came forth +again, and pleasantly asked if he had not heard something said about +bottled stout and sandwiches. + +Mrs. Starling, who was one of the party, was perfectly delighted with +this scene, and frequently murmured half-aside, ‘What a loving couple you +are!’ or ‘How delightful it is to see man and wife so happy together!’ +To us she was quite poetical, (for we are a kind of cousins,) observing +that hearts beating in unison like that made life a paradise of sweets; +and that when kindred creatures were drawn together by sympathies so fine +and delicate, what more than mortal happiness did not our souls partake! +To all this we answered ‘Certainly,’ or ‘Very true,’ or merely sighed, as +the case might be. At every new act of the loving couple, the widow’s +admiration broke out afresh; and when Mrs. Leaver would not permit Mr. +Leaver to keep his hat off, lest the sun should strike to his head, and +give him a brain fever, Mrs. Starling actually shed tears, and said it +reminded her of Adam and Eve. + +The loving couple were thus loving all the way to Twickenham, but when we +arrived there (by which time the amateur crew looked very thirsty and +vicious) they were more playful than ever, for Mrs. Leaver threw stones +at Mr. Leaver, and Mr. Leaver ran after Mrs. Leaver on the grass, in a +most innocent and enchanting manner. At dinner, too, Mr. Leaver _would_ +steal Mrs. Leaver’s tongue, and Mrs. Leaver _would_ retaliate upon Mr. +Leaver’s fowl; and when Mrs. Leaver was going to take some lobster salad, +Mr. Leaver wouldn’t let her have any, saying that it made her ill, and +she was always sorry for it afterwards, which afforded Mrs. Leaver an +opportunity of pretending to be cross, and showing many other +prettinesses. But this was merely the smiling surface of their loves, +not the mighty depths of the stream, down to which the company, to say +the truth, dived rather unexpectedly, from the following accident. It +chanced that Mr. Leaver took upon himself to propose the bachelors who +had first originated the notion of that entertainment, in doing which, he +affected to regret that he was no longer of their body himself, and +pretended grievously to lament his fallen state. This Mrs. Leaver’s +feelings could not brook, even in jest, and consequently, exclaiming +aloud, ‘He loves me not, he loves me not!’ she fell in a very pitiable +state into the arms of Mrs. Starling, and, directly becoming insensible, +was conveyed by that lady and her husband into another room. Presently +Mr. Leaver came running back to know if there was a medical gentleman in +company, and as there was, (in what company is there not?) both Mr. +Leaver and the medical gentleman hurried away together. + +The medical gentleman was the first who returned, and among his intimate +friends he was observed to laugh and wink, and look as unmedical as might +be; but when Mr. Leaver came back he was very solemn, and in answer to +all inquiries, shook his head, and remarked that Augusta was far too +sensitive to be trifled with—an opinion which the widow subsequently +confirmed. Finding that she was in no imminent peril, however, the rest +of the party betook themselves to dancing on the green, and very merry +and happy they were, and a vast quantity of flirtation there was; the +last circumstance being no doubt attributable, partly to the fineness of +the weather, and partly to the locality, which is well known to be +favourable to all harmless recreations. + +In the bustle of the scene, Mr. and Mrs. Leaver stole down to the boat, +and disposed themselves under the awning, Mrs. Leaver reclining her head +upon Mr. Leaver’s shoulder, and Mr. Leaver grasping her hand with great +fervour, and looking in her face from time to time with a melancholy and +sympathetic aspect. The widow sat apart, feigning to be occupied with a +book, but stealthily observing them from behind her fan; and the two +firemen-watermen, smoking their pipes on the bank hard by, nudged each +other, and grinned in enjoyment of the joke. Very few of the party +missed the loving couple; and the few who did, heartily congratulated +each other on their disappearance. + + + + +THE CONTRADICTORY COUPLE + + +ONE would suppose that two people who are to pass their whole lives +together, and must necessarily be very often alone with each other, could +find little pleasure in mutual contradiction; and yet what is more common +than a contradictory couple? + +The contradictory couple agree in nothing but contradiction. They return +home from Mrs. Bluebottle’s dinner-party, each in an opposite corner of +the coach, and do not exchange a syllable until they have been seated for +at least twenty minutes by the fireside at home, when the gentleman, +raising his eyes from the stove, all at once breaks silence: + +‘What a very extraordinary thing it is,’ says he, ‘that you _will_ +contradict, Charlotte!’ ‘_I_ contradict!’ cries the lady, ‘but that’s +just like you.’ ‘What’s like me?’ says the gentleman sharply. ‘Saying +that I contradict you,’ replies the lady. ‘Do you mean to say that you +do _not_ contradict me?’ retorts the gentleman; ‘do you mean to say that +you have not been contradicting me the whole of this day?’ ‘Do you mean +to tell me now, that you have not? I mean to tell you nothing of the +kind,’ replies the lady quietly; ‘when you are wrong, of course I shall +contradict you.’ + +During this dialogue the gentleman has been taking his brandy-and-water +on one side of the fire, and the lady, with her dressing-case on the +table, has been curling her hair on the other. She now lets down her +back hair, and proceeds to brush it; preserving at the same time an air +of conscious rectitude and suffering virtue, which is intended to +exasperate the gentleman—and does so. + +‘I do believe,’ he says, taking the spoon out of his glass, and tossing +it on the table, ‘that of all the obstinate, positive, wrong-headed +creatures that were ever born, you are the most so, Charlotte.’ +‘Certainly, certainly, have it your own way, pray. You see how much _I_ +contradict you,’ rejoins the lady. ‘Of course, you didn’t contradict me +at dinner-time—oh no, not you!’ says the gentleman. ‘Yes, I did,’ says +the lady. ‘Oh, you did,’ cries the gentleman ‘you admit that?’ ‘If you +call that contradiction, I do,’ the lady answers; ‘and I say again, +Edward, that when I know you are wrong, I will contradict you. I am not +your slave.’ ‘Not my slave!’ repeats the gentleman bitterly; ‘and you +still mean to say that in the Blackburns’ new house there are not more +than fourteen doors, including the door of the wine-cellar!’ ‘I mean to +say,’ retorts the lady, beating time with her hair-brush on the palm of +her hand, ‘that in that house there are fourteen doors and no more.’ +‘Well then—’ cries the gentleman, rising in despair, and pacing the room +with rapid strides. ‘By G-, this is enough to destroy a man’s intellect, +and drive him mad!’ + +By and by the gentleman comes-to a little, and passing his hand gloomily +across his forehead, reseats himself in his former chair. There is a +long silence, and this time the lady begins. ‘I appealed to Mr. Jenkins, +who sat next to me on the sofa in the drawing-room during tea—’ ‘Morgan, +you mean,’ interrupts the gentleman. ‘I do not mean anything of the +kind,’ answers the lady. ‘Now, by all that is aggravating and impossible +to bear,’ cries the gentleman, clenching his hands and looking upwards in +agony, ‘she is going to insist upon it that Morgan is Jenkins!’ ‘Do you +take me for a perfect fool?’ exclaims the lady; ‘do you suppose I don’t +know the one from the other? Do you suppose I don’t know that the man in +the blue coat was Mr. Jenkins?’ ‘Jenkins in a blue coat!’ cries the +gentleman with a groan; ‘Jenkins in a blue coat! a man who would suffer +death rather than wear anything but brown!’ ‘Do you dare to charge me +with telling an untruth?’ demands the lady, bursting into tears. ‘I +charge you, ma’am,’ retorts the gentleman, starting up, ‘with being a +monster of contradiction, a monster of aggravation, a—a—a—Jenkins in a +blue coat!—what have I done that I should be doomed to hear such +statements!’ + +Expressing himself with great scorn and anguish, the gentleman takes up +his candle and stalks off to bed, where feigning to be fast asleep when +the lady comes up-stairs drowned in tears, murmuring lamentations over +her hard fate and indistinct intentions of consulting her brothers, he +undergoes the secret torture of hearing her exclaim between whiles, ‘I +know there are only fourteen doors in the house, I know it was Mr. +Jenkins, I know he had a blue coat on, and I would say it as positively +as I do now, if they were the last words I had to speak!’ + +If the contradictory couple are blessed with children, they are not the +less contradictory on that account. Master James and Miss Charlotte +present themselves after dinner, and being in perfect good humour, and +finding their parents in the same amiable state, augur from these +appearances half a glass of wine a-piece and other extraordinary +indulgences. But unfortunately Master James, growing talkative upon such +prospects, asks his mamma how tall Mrs. Parsons is, and whether she is +not six feet high; to which his mamma replies, ‘Yes, she should think she +was, for Mrs. Parsons is a very tall lady indeed; quite a giantess.’ +‘For Heaven’s sake, Charlotte,’ cries her husband, ‘do not tell the child +such preposterous nonsense. Six feet high!’ ‘Well,’ replies the lady, +‘surely I may be permitted to have an opinion; my opinion is, that she is +six feet high—at least six feet.’ ‘Now you know, Charlotte,’ retorts the +gentleman sternly, ‘that that is _not_ your opinion—that you have no such +idea—and that you only say this for the sake of contradiction.’ ‘You are +exceedingly polite,’ his wife replies; ‘to be wrong about such a paltry +question as anybody’s height, would be no great crime; but I say again, +that I believe Mrs. Parsons to be six feet—more than six feet; nay, I +believe you know her to be full six feet, and only say she is not, +because I say she is.’ This taunt disposes the gentleman to become +violent, but he cheeks himself, and is content to mutter, in a haughty +tone, ‘Six feet—ha! ha! Mrs. Parsons six feet!’ and the lady answers, +‘Yes, six feet. I am sure I am glad you are amused, and I’ll say it +again—six feet.’ Thus the subject gradually drops off, and the +contradiction begins to be forgotten, when Master James, with some +undefined notion of making himself agreeable, and putting things to +rights again, unfortunately asks his mamma what the moon’s made of; which +gives her occasion to say that he had better not ask her, for she is +always wrong and never can be right; that he only exposes her to +contradiction by asking any question of her; and that he had better ask +his papa, who is infallible, and never can be wrong. Papa, smarting +under this attack, gives a terrible pull at the bell, and says, that if +the conversation is to proceed in this way, the children had better be +removed. Removed they are, after a few tears and many struggles; and Pa +having looked at Ma sideways for a minute or two, with a baleful eye, +draws his pocket-handkerchief over his face, and composes himself for his +after-dinner nap. + +The friends of the contradictory couple often deplore their frequent +disputes, though they rather make light of them at the same time: +observing, that there is no doubt they are very much attached to each +other, and that they never quarrel except about trifles. But neither the +friends of the contradictory couple, nor the contradictory couple +themselves, reflect, that as the most stupendous objects in nature are +but vast collections of minute particles, so the slightest and least +considered trifles make up the sum of human happiness or misery. + + + + +THE COUPLE WHO DOTE UPON THEIR CHILDREN + + +THE couple who dote upon their children have usually a great many of +them: six or eight at least. The children are either the healthiest in +all the world, or the most unfortunate in existence. In either case, +they are equally the theme of their doting parents, and equally a source +of mental anguish and irritation to their doting parents’ friends. + +The couple who dote upon their children recognise no dates but those +connected with their births, accidents, illnesses, or remarkable deeds. +They keep a mental almanack with a vast number of Innocents’-days, all in +red letters. They recollect the last coronation, because on that day +little Tom fell down the kitchen stairs; the anniversary of the Gunpowder +Plot, because it was on the fifth of November that Ned asked whether +wooden legs were made in heaven and cocked hats grew in gardens. Mrs. +Whiffler will never cease to recollect the last day of the old year as +long as she lives, for it was on that day that the baby had the four red +spots on its nose which they took for measles: nor Christmas-day, for +twenty-one days after Christmas-day the twins were born; nor Good Friday, +for it was on a Good Friday that she was frightened by the donkey-cart +when she was in the family way with Georgiana. The movable feasts have +no motion for Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler, but remain pinned down tight and +fast to the shoulders of some small child, from whom they can never be +separated any more. Time was made, according to their creed, not for +slaves but for girls and boys; the restless sands in his glass are but +little children at play. + + [Picture: The Couple who Dote upon their Children] + +As we have already intimated, the children of this couple can know no +medium. They are either prodigies of good health or prodigies of bad +health; whatever they are, they must be prodigies. Mr. Whiffler must +have to describe at his office such excruciating agonies constantly +undergone by his eldest boy, as nobody else’s eldest boy ever underwent; +or he must be able to declare that there never was a child endowed with +such amazing health, such an indomitable constitution, and such a +cast-iron frame, as his child. His children must be, in some respect or +other, above and beyond the children of all other people. To such an +extent is this feeling pushed, that we were once slightly acquainted with +a lady and gentleman who carried their heads so high and became so proud +after their youngest child fell out of a two-pair-of-stairs window +without hurting himself much, that the greater part of their friends were +obliged to forego their acquaintance. But perhaps this may be an extreme +case, and one not justly entitled to be considered as a precedent of +general application. + +If a friend happen to dine in a friendly way with one of these couples +who dote upon their children, it is nearly impossible for him to divert +the conversation from their favourite topic. Everything reminds Mr. +Whiffler of Ned, or Mrs. Whiffler of Mary Anne, or of the time before Ned +was born, or the time before Mary Anne was thought of. The slightest +remark, however harmless in itself, will awaken slumbering recollections +of the twins. It is impossible to steer clear of them. They will come +uppermost, let the poor man do what he may. Ned has been known to be +lost sight of for half an hour, Dick has been forgotten, the name of Mary +Anne has not been mentioned, but the twins will out. Nothing can keep +down the twins. + +‘It’s a very extraordinary thing, Saunders,’ says Mr. Whiffler to the +visitor, ‘but—you have seen our little babies, the—the—twins?’ The +friend’s heart sinks within him as he answers, ‘Oh, yes—often.’ ‘Your +talking of the Pyramids,’ says Mr. Whiffler, quite as a matter of course, +‘reminds me of the twins. It’s a very extraordinary thing about those +babies—what colour should you say their eyes were?’ ‘Upon my word,’ the +friend stammers, ‘I hardly know how to answer’—the fact being, that +except as the friend does not remember to have heard of any departure +from the ordinary course of nature in the instance of these twins, they +might have no eyes at all for aught he has observed to the contrary. +‘You wouldn’t say they were red, I suppose?’ says Mr. Whiffler. The +friend hesitates, and rather thinks they are; but inferring from the +expression of Mr. Whiffler’s face that red is not the colour, smiles with +some confidence, and says, ‘No, no! very different from that.’ ‘What +should you say to blue?’ says Mr. Whiffler. The friend glances at him, +and observing a different expression in his face, ventures to say, ‘I +should say they _were_ blue—a decided blue.’ ‘To be sure!’ cries Mr. +Whiffler, triumphantly, ‘I knew you would! But what should you say if I +was to tell you that the boy’s eyes are blue and the girl’s hazel, eh?’ +‘Impossible!’ exclaims the friend, not at all knowing why it should be +impossible. ‘A fact, notwithstanding,’ cries Mr. Whiffler; ‘and let me +tell you, Saunders, _that’s_ not a common thing in twins, or a +circumstance that’ll happen every day.’ + +In this dialogue Mrs. Whiffler, as being deeply responsible for the +twins, their charms and singularities, has taken no share; but she now +relates, in broken English, a witticism of little Dick’s bearing upon the +subject just discussed, which delights Mr. Whiffler beyond measure, and +causes him to declare that he would have sworn that was Dick’s if he had +heard it anywhere. Then he requests that Mrs. Whiffler will tell +Saunders what Tom said about mad bulls; and Mrs. Whiffler relating the +anecdote, a discussion ensues upon the different character of Tom’s wit +and Dick’s wit, from which it appears that Dick’s humour is of a lively +turn, while Tom’s style is the dry and caustic. This discussion being +enlivened by various illustrations, lasts a long time, and is only +stopped by Mrs. Whiffler instructing the footman to ring the nursery +bell, as the children were promised that they should come down and taste +the pudding. + +The friend turns pale when this order is given, and paler still when it +is followed up by a great pattering on the staircase, (not unlike the +sound of rain upon a skylight,) a violent bursting open of the +dining-room door, and the tumultuous appearance of six small children, +closely succeeded by a strong nursery-maid with a twin in each arm. As +the whole eight are screaming, shouting, or kicking—some influenced by a +ravenous appetite, some by a horror of the stranger, and some by a +conflict of the two feelings—a pretty long space elapses before all their +heads can be ranged round the table and anything like order restored; in +bringing about which happy state of things both the nurse and footman are +severely scratched. At length Mrs. Whiffler is heard to say, ‘Mr. +Saunders, shall I give you some pudding?’ A breathless silence ensues, +and sixteen small eyes are fixed upon the guest in expectation of his +reply. A wild shout of joy proclaims that he has said ‘No, thank you.’ +Spoons are waved in the air, legs appear above the table-cloth in +uncontrollable ecstasy, and eighty short fingers dabble in damson syrup. + +While the pudding is being disposed of, Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler look on +with beaming countenances, and Mr. Whiffler nudging his friend Saunders, +begs him to take notice of Tom’s eyes, or Dick’s chin, or Ned’s nose, or +Mary Anne’s hair, or Emily’s figure, or little Bob’s calves, or Fanny’s +mouth, or Carry’s head, as the case may be. Whatever the attention of +Mr. Saunders is called to, Mr. Saunders admires of course; though he is +rather confused about the sex of the youngest branches and looks at the +wrong children, turning to a girl when Mr. Whiffler directs his attention +to a boy, and falling into raptures with a boy when he ought to be +enchanted with a girl. Then the dessert comes, and there is a vast deal +of scrambling after fruit, and sudden spirting forth of juice out of +tight oranges into infant eyes, and much screeching and wailing in +consequence. At length it becomes time for Mrs. Whiffler to retire, and +all the children are by force of arms compelled to kiss and love Mr. +Saunders before going up-stairs, except Tom, who, lying on his back in +the hall, proclaims that Mr. Saunders ‘is a naughty beast;’ and Dick, who +having drunk his father’s wine when he was looking another way, is found +to be intoxicated and is carried out, very limp and helpless. + +Mr. Whiffler and his friend are left alone together, but Mr. Whiffler’s +thoughts are still with his family, if his family are not with him. +‘Saunders,’ says he, after a short silence, ‘if you please, we’ll drink +Mrs. Whiffler and the children.’ Mr. Saunders feels this to be a +reproach against himself for not proposing the same sentiment, and drinks +it in some confusion. ‘Ah!’ Mr. Whiffler sighs, ‘these children, +Saunders, make one quite an old man.’ Mr. Saunders thinks that if they +were his, they would make him a very old man; but he says nothing. ‘And +yet,’ pursues Mr. Whiffler, ‘what can equal domestic happiness? what can +equal the engaging ways of children! Saunders, why don’t you get +married?’ Now, this is an embarrassing question, because Mr. Saunders +has been thinking that if he had at any time entertained matrimonial +designs, the revelation of that day would surely have routed them for +ever. ‘I am glad, however,’ says Mr. Whiffler, ‘that you _are_ a +bachelor,—glad on one account, Saunders; a selfish one, I admit. Will +you do Mrs. Whiffler and myself a favour?’ Mr. Saunders is +surprised—evidently surprised; but he replies, ‘with the greatest +pleasure.’ ‘Then, will you, Saunders,’ says Mr. Whiffler, in an +impressive manner, ‘will you cement and consolidate our friendship by +coming into the family (so to speak) as a godfather?’ ‘I shall be proud +and delighted,’ replies Mr. Saunders: ‘which of the children is it? +really, I thought they were all christened; or—’ ‘Saunders,’ Mr. +Whiffler interposes, ‘they _are_ all christened; you are right. The fact +is, that Mrs. Whiffler is—in short, we expect another.’ ‘Not a ninth!’ +cries the friend, all aghast at the idea. ‘Yes, Saunders,’ rejoins Mr. +Whiffler, solemnly, ‘a ninth. Did we drink Mrs. Whiffler’s health? Let +us drink it again, Saunders, and wish her well over it!’ + +Doctor Johnson used to tell a story of a man who had but one idea, which +was a wrong one. The couple who dote upon their children are in the same +predicament: at home or abroad, at all times, and in all places, their +thoughts are bound up in this one subject, and have no sphere beyond. +They relate the clever things their offspring say or do, and weary every +company with their prolixity and absurdity. Mr. Whiffler takes a friend +by the button at a street corner on a windy day to tell him a _bon mot_ +of his youngest boy’s; and Mrs. Whiffler, calling to see a sick +acquaintance, entertains her with a cheerful account of all her own past +sufferings and present expectations. In such cases the sins of the +fathers indeed descend upon the children; for people soon come to regard +them as predestined little bores. The couple who dote upon their +children cannot be said to be actuated by a general love for these +engaging little people (which would be a great excuse); for they are apt +to underrate and entertain a jealousy of any children but their own. If +they examined their own hearts, they would, perhaps, find at the bottom +of all this, more self-love and egotism than they think of. Self-love +and egotism are bad qualities, of which the unrestrained exhibition, +though it may be sometimes amusing, never fails to be wearisome and +unpleasant. Couples who dote upon their children, therefore, are best +avoided. + + + + +THE COOL COUPLE + + +THERE is an old-fashioned weather-glass representing a house with two +doorways, in one of which is the figure of a gentleman, in the other the +figure of a lady. When the weather is to be fine the lady comes out and +the gentleman goes in; when wet, the gentleman comes out and the lady +goes in. They never seek each other’s society, are never elevated and +depressed by the same cause, and have nothing in common. They are the +model of a cool couple, except that there is something of politeness and +consideration about the behaviour of the gentleman in the weather-glass, +in which, neither of the cool couple can be said to participate. + +The cool couple are seldom alone together, and when they are, nothing can +exceed their apathy and dulness: the gentleman being for the most part +drowsy, and the lady silent. If they enter into conversation, it is +usually of an ironical or recriminatory nature. Thus, when the gentleman +has indulged in a very long yawn and settled himself more snugly in his +easy-chair, the lady will perhaps remark, ‘Well, I am sure, Charles! I +hope you’re comfortable.’ To which the gentleman replies, ‘Oh yes, he’s +quite comfortable quite.’ ‘There are not many married men, I hope,’ +returns the lady, ‘who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications as you +do.’ ‘Nor many wives who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications as +_you_ do, I hope,’ retorts the gentleman. ‘Whose fault is that?’ demands +the lady. The gentleman becoming more sleepy, returns no answer. ‘Whose +fault is that?’ the lady repeats. The gentleman still returning no +answer, she goes on to say that she believes there never was in all this +world anybody so attached to her home, so thoroughly domestic, so +unwilling to seek a moment’s gratification or pleasure beyond her own +fireside as she. God knows that before she was married she never thought +or dreamt of such a thing; and she remembers that her poor papa used to +say again and again, almost every day of his life, ‘Oh, my dear Louisa, +if you only marry a man who understands you, and takes the trouble to +consider your happiness and accommodate himself a very little to your +disposition, what a treasure he will find in you!’ She supposes her papa +knew what her disposition was—he had known her long enough—he ought to +have been acquainted with it, but what can she do? If her home is always +dull and lonely, and her husband is always absent and finds no pleasure +in her society, she is naturally sometimes driven (seldom enough, she is +sure) to seek a little recreation elsewhere; she is not expected to pine +and mope to death, she hopes. ‘Then come, Louisa,’ says the gentleman, +waking up as suddenly as he fell asleep, ‘stop at home this evening, and +so will I.’ ‘I should be sorry to suppose, Charles, that you took a +pleasure in aggravating me,’ replies the lady; ‘but you know as well as I +do that I am particularly engaged to Mrs. Mortimer, and that it would be +an act of the grossest rudeness and ill-breeding, after accepting a seat +in her box and preventing her from inviting anybody else, not to go.’ +‘Ah! there it is!’ says the gentleman, shrugging his shoulders, ‘I knew +that perfectly well. I knew you couldn’t devote an evening to your own +home. Now all I have to say, Louisa, is this—recollect that _I_ was +quite willing to stay at home, and that it’s no fault of _mine_ we are +not oftener together.’ + +With that the gentleman goes away to keep an old appointment at his club, +and the lady hurries off to dress for Mrs. Mortimer’s; and neither thinks +of the other until by some odd chance they find themselves alone again. + +But it must not be supposed that the cool couple are habitually a +quarrelsome one. Quite the contrary. These differences are only +occasions for a little self-excuse,—nothing more. In general they are as +easy and careless, and dispute as seldom, as any common acquaintances +may; for it is neither worth their while to put each other out of the +way, nor to ruffle themselves. + +When they meet in society, the cool couple are the best-bred people in +existence. The lady is seated in a corner among a little knot of lady +friends, one of whom exclaims, ‘Why, I vow and declare there is your +husband, my dear!’ ‘Whose?—mine?’ she says, carelessly. ‘Ay, yours, and +coming this way too.’ ‘How very odd!’ says the lady, in a languid tone, +‘I thought he had been at Dover.’ The gentleman coming up, and speaking +to all the other ladies and nodding slightly to his wife, it turns out +that he has been at Dover, and has just now returned. ‘What a strange +creature you are!’ cries his wife; ‘and what on earth brought you here, I +wonder?’ ‘I came to look after you, _of course_,’ rejoins her husband. +This is so pleasant a jest that the lady is mightily amused, as are all +the other ladies similarly situated who are within hearing; and while +they are enjoying it to the full, the gentleman nods again, turns upon +his heel, and saunters away. + +There are times, however, when his company is not so agreeable, though +equally unexpected; such as when the lady has invited one or two +particular friends to tea and scandal, and he happens to come home in the +very midst of their diversion. It is a hundred chances to one that he +remains in the house half an hour, but the lady is rather disturbed by +the intrusion, notwithstanding, and reasons within herself,—‘I am sure I +never interfere with him, and why should he interfere with me? It can +scarcely be accidental; it never happens that I have a particular reason +for not wishing him to come home, but he always comes. It’s very +provoking and tiresome; and I am sure when he leaves me so much alone for +his own pleasure, the least he could do would be to do as much for mine.’ +Observing what passes in her mind, the gentleman, who has come home for +his own accommodation, makes a merit of it with himself; arrives at the +conclusion that it is the very last place in which he can hope to be +comfortable; and determines, as he takes up his hat and cane, never to be +so virtuous again. + +Thus a great many cool couples go on until they are cold couples, and the +grave has closed over their folly and indifference. Loss of name, +station, character, life itself, has ensued from causes as slight as +these, before now; and when gossips tell such tales, and aggravate their +deformities, they elevate their hands and eyebrows, and call each other +to witness what a cool couple Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so always were, even in +the best of times. + + + + +THE PLAUSIBLE COUPLE + + +THE plausible couple have many titles. They are ‘a delightful couple,’ +an ‘affectionate couple,’ ‘a most agreeable couple, ‘a good-hearted +couple,’ and ‘the best-natured couple in existence.’ The truth is, that +the plausible couple are people of the world; and either the way of +pleasing the world has grown much easier than it was in the days of the +old man and his ass, or the old man was but a bad hand at it, and knew +very little of the trade. + +‘But is it really possible to please the world!’ says some doubting +reader. It is indeed. Nay, it is not only very possible, but very easy. +The ways are crooked, and sometimes foul and low. What then? A man need +but crawl upon his hands and knees, know when to close his eyes and when +his ears, when to stoop and when to stand upright; and if by the world is +meant that atom of it in which he moves himself, he shall please it, +never fear. + +Now, it will be readily seen, that if a plausible man or woman have an +easy means of pleasing the world by an adaptation of self to all its +twistings and twinings, a plausible man _and_ woman, or, in other words, +a plausible couple, playing into each other’s hands, and acting in +concert, have a manifest advantage. Hence it is that plausible couples +scarcely ever fail of success on a pretty large scale; and hence it is +that if the reader, laying down this unwieldy volume at the next full +stop, will have the goodness to review his or her circle of acquaintance, +and to search particularly for some man and wife with a large connexion +and a good name, not easily referable to their abilities or their wealth, +he or she (that is, the male or female reader) will certainly find that +gentleman or lady, on a very short reflection, to be a plausible couple. + +The plausible couple are the most ecstatic people living: the most +sensitive people—to merit—on the face of the earth. Nothing clever or +virtuous escapes them. They have microscopic eyes for such endowments, +and can find them anywhere. The plausible couple never fawn—oh no! They +don’t even scruple to tell their friends of their faults. One is too +generous, another too candid; a third has a tendency to think all people +like himself, and to regard mankind as a company of angels; a fourth is +kind-hearted to a fault. ‘We never flatter, my dear Mrs. Jackson,’ say +the plausible couple; ‘we speak our minds. Neither you nor Mr. Jackson +have faults enough. It may sound strangely, but it is true. You have +not faults enough. You know our way,—we must speak out, and always do. +Quarrel with us for saying so, if you will; but we repeat it,—you have +not faults enough!’ + +The plausible couple are no less plausible to each other than to third +parties. They are always loving and harmonious. The plausible gentleman +calls his wife ‘darling,’ and the plausible lady addresses him as +‘dearest.’ If it be Mr. and Mrs. Bobtail Widger, Mrs. Widger is +‘Lavinia, darling,’ and Mr. Widger is ‘Bobtail, dearest.’ Speaking of +each other, they observe the same tender form. Mrs. Widger relates what +‘Bobtail’ said, and Mr. Widger recounts what ‘darling’ thought and did. + +If you sit next to the plausible lady at a dinner-table, she takes the +earliest opportunity of expressing her belief that you are acquainted +with the Clickits; she is sure she has heard the Clickits speak of +you—she must not tell you in what terms, or you will take her for a +flatterer. You admit a knowledge of the Clickits; the plausible lady +immediately launches out in their praise. She quite loves the Clickits. +Were there ever such true-hearted, hospitable, excellent people—such a +gentle, interesting little woman as Mrs. Clickit, or such a frank, +unaffected creature as Mr. Clickit? were there ever two people, in short, +so little spoiled by the world as they are? ‘As who, darling?’ cries Mr. +Widger, from the opposite side of the table. ‘The Clickits, dearest,’ +replies Mrs. Widger. ‘Indeed you are right, darling,’ Mr. Widger +rejoins; ‘the Clickits are a very high-minded, worthy, estimable couple.’ +Mrs. Widger remarking that Bobtail always grows quite eloquent upon this +subject, Mr. Widger admits that he feels very strongly whenever such +people as the Clickits and some other friends of his (here he glances at +the host and hostess) are mentioned; for they are an honour to human +nature, and do one good to think of. ‘_You_ know the Clickits, Mrs. +Jackson?’ he says, addressing the lady of the house. ‘No, indeed; we +have not that pleasure,’ she replies. ‘You astonish me!’ exclaims Mr. +Widger: ‘not know the Clickits! why, you are the very people of all +others who ought to be their bosom friends. You are kindred beings; you +are one and the same thing:—not know the Clickits! Now _will_ you know +the Clickits? Will you make a point of knowing them? Will you meet them +in a friendly way at our house one evening, and be acquainted with them?’ +Mrs. Jackson will be quite delighted; nothing would give her more +pleasure. ‘Then, Lavinia, my darling,’ says Mr. Widger, ‘mind you don’t +lose sight of that; now, pray take care that Mr. and Mrs. Jackson know +the Clickits without loss of time. Such people ought not to be strangers +to each other.’ Mrs. Widger books both families as the centre of +attraction for her next party; and Mr. Widger, going on to expatiate upon +the virtues of the Clickits, adds to their other moral qualities, that +they keep one of the neatest phaetons in town, and have two thousand a +year. + +As the plausible couple never laud the merits of any absent person, +without dexterously contriving that their praises shall reflect upon +somebody who is present, so they never depreciate anything or anybody, +without turning their depreciation to the same account. Their friend, +Mr. Slummery, say they, is unquestionably a clever painter, and would no +doubt be very popular, and sell his pictures at a very high price, if +that cruel Mr. Fithers had not forestalled him in his department of art, +and made it thoroughly and completely his own;—Fithers, it is to be +observed, being present and within hearing, and Slummery elsewhere. Is +Mrs. Tabblewick really as beautiful as people say? Why, there indeed you +ask them a very puzzling question, because there is no doubt that she is +a very charming woman, and they have long known her intimately. She is +no doubt beautiful, very beautiful; they once thought her the most +beautiful woman ever seen; still if you press them for an honest answer, +they are bound to say that this was before they had ever seen our lovely +friend on the sofa, (the sofa is hard by, and our lovely friend can’t +help hearing the whispers in which this is said;) since that time, +perhaps, they have been hardly fair judges; Mrs. Tabblewick is no doubt +extremely handsome,—very like our friend, in fact, in the form of the +features,—but in point of expression, and soul, and figure, and air +altogether—oh dear! + +But while the plausible couple depreciate, they are still careful to +preserve their character for amiability and kind feeling; indeed the +depreciation itself is often made to grow out of their excessive sympathy +and good will. The plausible lady calls on a lady who dotes upon her +children, and is sitting with a little girl upon her knee, enraptured by +her artless replies, and protesting that there is nothing she delights in +so much as conversing with these fairies; when the other lady inquires if +she has seen young Mrs. Finching lately, and whether the baby has turned +out a finer one than it promised to be. ‘Oh dear!’ cries the plausible +lady, ‘you cannot think how often Bobtail and I have talked about poor +Mrs. Finching—she is such a dear soul, and was so anxious that the baby +should be a fine child—and very naturally, because she was very much here +at one time, and there is, you know, a natural emulation among +mothers—that it is impossible to tell you how much we have felt for her.’ +‘Is it weak or plain, or what?’ inquires the other. ‘Weak or plain, my +love,’ returns the plausible lady, ‘it’s a fright—a perfect little +fright; you never saw such a miserable creature in all your days. +Positively you must not let her see one of these beautiful dears again, +or you’ll break her heart, you will indeed.—Heaven bless this child, see +how she is looking in my face! can you conceive anything prettier than +that? If poor Mrs. Finching could only hope—but that’s impossible—and +the gifts of Providence, you know—What _did_ I do with my +pocket-handkerchief!’ + +What prompts the mother, who dotes upon her children, to comment to her +lord that evening on the plausible lady’s engaging qualities and feeling +heart, and what is it that procures Mr. and Mrs. Bobtail Widger an +immediate invitation to dinner? + + + + +THE NICE LITTLE COUPLE + + +A CUSTOM once prevailed in old-fashioned circles, that when a lady or +gentleman was unable to sing a song, he or she should enliven the company +with a story. As we find ourself in the predicament of not being able to +describe (to our own satisfaction) nice little couples in the abstract, +we purpose telling in this place a little story about a nice little +couple of our acquaintance. + +Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup are the nice little couple in question. Mr. Chirrup +has the smartness, and something of the brisk, quick manner of a small +bird. Mrs. Chirrup is the prettiest of all little women, and has the +prettiest little figure conceivable. She has the neatest little foot, +and the softest little voice, and the pleasantest little smile, and the +tidiest little curls, and the brightest little eyes, and the quietest +little manner, and is, in short, altogether one of the most engaging of +all little women, dead or alive. She is a condensation of all the +domestic virtues,—a pocket edition of the young man’s best companion,—a +little woman at a very high pressure, with an amazing quantity of +goodness and usefulness in an exceedingly small space. Little as she is, +Mrs. Chirrup might furnish forth matter for the moral equipment of a +score of housewives, six feet high in their stockings—if, in the presence +of ladies, we may be allowed the expression—and of corresponding +robustness. + + [Picture: The Nice Little Couple] + +Nobody knows all this better than Mr. Chirrup, though he rather takes on +that he don’t. Accordingly he is very proud of his better-half, and +evidently considers himself, as all other people consider him, rather +fortunate in having her to wife. We say evidently, because Mr. Chirrup +is a warm-hearted little fellow; and if you catch his eye when he has +been slyly glancing at Mrs. Chirrup in company, there is a certain +complacent twinkle in it, accompanied, perhaps, by a half-expressed toss +of the head, which as clearly indicates what has been passing in his mind +as if he had put it into words, and shouted it out through a +speaking-trumpet. Moreover, Mr. Chirrup has a particularly mild and +bird-like manner of calling Mrs. Chirrup ‘my dear;’ and—for he is of a +jocose turn—of cutting little witticisms upon her, and making her the +subject of various harmless pleasantries, which nobody enjoys more +thoroughly than Mrs. Chirrup herself. Mr. Chirrup, too, now and then +affects to deplore his bachelor-days, and to bemoan (with a marvellously +contented and smirking face) the loss of his freedom, and the sorrow of +his heart at having been taken captive by Mrs. Chirrup—all of which +circumstances combine to show the secret triumph and satisfaction of Mr. +Chirrup’s soul. + +We have already had occasion to observe that Mrs. Chirrup is an +incomparable housewife. In all the arts of domestic arrangement and +management, in all the mysteries of confectionery-making, pickling, and +preserving, never was such a thorough adept as that nice little body. +She is, besides, a cunning worker in muslin and fine linen, and a special +hand at marketing to the very best advantage. But if there be one branch +of housekeeping in which she excels to an utterly unparalleled and +unprecedented extent, it is in the important one of carving. A roast +goose is universally allowed to be the great stumbling-block in the way +of young aspirants to perfection in this department of science; many +promising carvers, beginning with legs of mutton, and preserving a good +reputation through fillets of veal, sirloins of beef, quarters of lamb, +fowls, and even ducks, have sunk before a roast goose, and lost caste and +character for ever. To Mrs. Chirrup the resolving a goose into its +smallest component parts is a pleasant pastime—a practical joke—a thing +to be done in a minute or so, without the smallest interruption to the +conversation of the time. No handing the dish over to an unfortunate man +upon her right or left, no wild sharpening of the knife, no hacking and +sawing at an unruly joint, no noise, no splash, no heat, no leaving off +in despair; all is confidence and cheerfulness. The dish is set upon the +table, the cover is removed; for an instant, and only an instant, you +observe that Mrs. Chirrup’s attention is distracted; she smiles, but +heareth not. You proceed with your story; meanwhile the glittering knife +is slowly upraised, both Mrs. Chirrup’s wrists are slightly but not +ungracefully agitated, she compresses her lips for an instant, then +breaks into a smile, and all is over. The legs of the bird slide gently +down into a pool of gravy, the wings seem to melt from the body, the +breast separates into a row of juicy slices, the smaller and more +complicated parts of his anatomy are perfectly developed, a cavern of +stuffing is revealed, and the goose is gone! + +To dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup is one of the pleasantest things in the +world. Mr. Chirrup has a bachelor friend, who lived with him in his own +days of single blessedness, and to whom he is mightily attached. +Contrary to the usual custom, this bachelor friend is no less a friend of +Mrs. Chirrup’s, and, consequently, whenever you dine with Mr. and Mrs. +Chirrup, you meet the bachelor friend. It would put any +reasonably-conditioned mortal into good-humour to observe the entire +unanimity which subsists between these three; but there is a quiet +welcome dimpling in Mrs. Chirrup’s face, a bustling hospitality oozing as +it were out of the waistcoat-pockets of Mr. Chirrup, and a patronising +enjoyment of their cordiality and satisfaction on the part of the +bachelor friend, which is quite delightful. On these occasions Mr. +Chirrup usually takes an opportunity of rallying the friend on being +single, and the friend retorts on Mr. Chirrup for being married, at which +moments some single young ladies present are like to die of laughter; and +we have more than once observed them bestow looks upon the friend, which +convinces us that his position is by no means a safe one, as, indeed, we +hold no bachelor’s to be who visits married friends and cracks jokes on +wedlock, for certain it is that such men walk among traps and nets and +pitfalls innumerable, and often find themselves down upon their knees at +the altar rails, taking M. or N. for their wedded wives, before they know +anything about the matter. + +However, this is no business of Mr. Chirrup’s, who talks, and laughs, and +drinks his wine, and laughs again, and talks more, until it is time to +repair to the drawing-room, where, coffee served and over, Mrs. Chirrup +prepares for a round game, by sorting the nicest possible little fish +into the nicest possible little pools, and calling Mr. Chirrup to assist +her, which Mr. Chirrup does. As they stand side by side, you find that +Mr. Chirrup is the least possible shadow of a shade taller than Mrs. +Chirrup, and that they are the neatest and best-matched little couple +that can be, which the chances are ten to one against your observing with +such effect at any other time, unless you see them in the street +arm-in-arm, or meet them some rainy day trotting along under a very small +umbrella. The round game (at which Mr. Chirrup is the merriest of the +party) being done and over, in course of time a nice little tray appears, +on which is a nice little supper; and when that is finished likewise, and +you have said ‘Good night,’ you find yourself repeating a dozen times, as +you ride home, that there never was such a nice little couple as Mr. and +Mrs. Chirrup. + +Whether it is that pleasant qualities, being packed more closely in small +bodies than in large, come more readily to hand than when they are +diffused over a wider space, and have to be gathered together for use, we +don’t know, but as a general rule,—strengthened like all other rules by +its exceptions,—we hold that little people are sprightly and +good-natured. The more sprightly and good-natured people we have, the +better; therefore, let us wish well to all nice little couples, and hope +that they may increase and multiply. + + + + +THE EGOTISTICAL COUPLE + + +EGOTISM in couples is of two kinds.—It is our purpose to show this by two +examples. + +The egotistical couple may be young, old, middle-aged, well to do, or ill +to do; they may have a small family, a large family, or no family at all. +There is no outward sign by which an egotistical couple may be known and +avoided. They come upon you unawares; there is no guarding against them. +No man can of himself be forewarned or forearmed against an egotistical +couple. + +The egotistical couple have undergone every calamity, and experienced +every pleasurable and painful sensation of which our nature is +susceptible. You cannot by possibility tell the egotistical couple +anything they don’t know, or describe to them anything they have not +felt. They have been everything but dead. Sometimes we are tempted to +wish they had been even that, but only in our uncharitable moments, which +are few and far between. + +We happened the other day, in the course of a morning call, to encounter +an egotistical couple, nor were we suffered to remain long in ignorance +of the fact, for our very first inquiry of the lady of the house brought +them into active and vigorous operation. The inquiry was of course +touching the lady’s health, and the answer happened to be, that she had +not been very well. ‘Oh, my dear!’ said the egotistical lady, ‘don’t +talk of not being well. We have been in _such_ a state since we saw you +last!’—The lady of the house happening to remark that her lord had not +been well either, the egotistical gentleman struck in: ‘Never let Briggs +complain of not being well—never let Briggs complain, my dear Mrs. +Briggs, after what I have undergone within these six weeks. He doesn’t +know what it is to be ill, he hasn’t the least idea of it; not the +faintest conception.’—‘My dear,’ interposed his wife smiling, ‘you talk +as if it were almost a crime in Mr. Briggs not to have been as ill as we +have been, instead of feeling thankful to Providence that both he and our +dear Mrs. Briggs are in such blissful ignorance of real suffering.’—‘My +love,’ returned the egotistical gentleman, in a low and pious voice, ‘you +mistake me;—I feel grateful—very grateful. I trust our friends may never +purchase their experience as dearly as we have bought ours; I hope they +never may!’ + +Having put down Mrs. Briggs upon this theme, and settled the question +thus, the egotistical gentleman turned to us, and, after a few +preliminary remarks, all tending towards and leading up to the point he +had in his mind, inquired if we happened to be acquainted with the +Dowager Lady Snorflerer. On our replying in the negative, he presumed we +had often met Lord Slang, or beyond all doubt, that we were on intimate +terms with Sir Chipkins Glogwog. Finding that we were equally unable to +lay claim to either of these distinctions, he expressed great +astonishment, and turning to his wife with a retrospective smile, +inquired who it was that had told that capital story about the mashed +potatoes. ‘Who, my dear?’ returned the egotistical lady, ‘why Sir +Chipkins, of course; how can you ask! Don’t you remember his applying it +to our cook, and saying that you and I were so like the Prince and +Princess, that he could almost have sworn we were they?’ ‘To be sure, I +remember that,’ said the egotistical gentleman, ‘but are you quite +certain that didn’t apply to the other anecdote about the Emperor of +Austria and the pump?’ ‘Upon my word then, I think it did,’ replied his +wife. ‘To be sure it did,’ said the egotistical gentleman, ‘it was +Slang’s story, I remember now, perfectly.’ However, it turned out, a few +seconds afterwards, that the egotistical gentleman’s memory was rather +treacherous, as he began to have a misgiving that the story had been told +by the Dowager Lady Snorflerer the very last time they dined there; but +there appearing, on further consideration, strong circumstantial evidence +tending to show that this couldn’t be, inasmuch as the Dowager Lady +Snorflerer had been, on the occasion in question, wholly engrossed by the +egotistical lady, the egotistical gentleman recanted this opinion; and +after laying the story at the doors of a great many great people, happily +left it at last with the Duke of Scuttlewig:—observing that it was not +extraordinary he had forgotten his Grace hitherto, as it often happened +that the names of those with whom we were upon the most familiar footing +were the very last to present themselves to our thoughts. + +It not only appeared that the egotistical couple knew everybody, but that +scarcely any event of importance or notoriety had occurred for many years +with which they had not been in some way or other connected. Thus we +learned that when the well-known attempt upon the life of George the +Third was made by Hatfield in Drury Lane theatre, the egotistical +gentleman’s grandfather sat upon his right hand and was the first man who +collared him; and that the egotistical lady’s aunt, sitting within a few +boxes of the royal party, was the only person in the audience who heard +his Majesty exclaim, ‘Charlotte, Charlotte, don’t be frightened, don’t be +frightened; they’re letting off squibs, they’re letting off squibs.’ +When the fire broke out, which ended in the destruction of the two Houses +of Parliament, the egotistical couple, being at the time at a +drawing-room window on Blackheath, then and there simultaneously +exclaimed, to the astonishment of a whole party—‘It’s the House of +Lords!’ Nor was this a solitary instance of their peculiar discernment, +for chancing to be (as by a comparison of dates and circumstances they +afterwards found) in the same omnibus with Mr. Greenacre, when he carried +his victim’s head about town in a blue bag, they both remarked a singular +twitching in the muscles of his countenance; and walking down Fish Street +Hill, a few weeks since, the egotistical gentleman said to his +lady—slightly casting up his eyes to the top of the Monument—‘There’s a +boy up there, my dear, reading a Bible. It’s very strange. I don’t like +it.—In five seconds afterwards, Sir,’ says the egotistical gentleman, +bringing his hands together with one violent clap—‘the lad was over!’ + +Diversifying these topics by the introduction of many others of the same +kind, and entertaining us between whiles with a minute account of what +weather and diet agreed with them, and what weather and diet disagreed +with them, and at what time they usually got up, and at what time went to +bed, with many other particulars of their domestic economy too numerous +to mention; the egotistical couple at length took their leave, and +afforded us an opportunity of doing the same. + +Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone are an egotistical couple of another class, for +all the lady’s egotism is about her husband, and all the gentleman’s +about his wife. For example:—Mr. Sliverstone is a clerical gentleman, +and occasionally writes sermons, as clerical gentlemen do. If you happen +to obtain admission at the street-door while he is so engaged, Mrs. +Sliverstone appears on tip-toe, and speaking in a solemn whisper, as if +there were at least three or four particular friends up-stairs, all upon +the point of death, implores you to be very silent, for Mr. Sliverstone +is composing, and she need not say how very important it is that he +should not be disturbed. Unwilling to interrupt anything so serious, you +hasten to withdraw, with many apologies; but this Mrs. Sliverstone will +by no means allow, observing, that she knows you would like to see him, +as it is very natural you should, and that she is determined to make a +trial for you, as you are a great favourite. So you are led +up-stairs—still on tip-toe—to the door of a little back room, in which, +as the lady informs you in a whisper, Mr. Sliverstone always writes. No +answer being returned to a couple of soft taps, the lady opens the door, +and there, sure enough, is Mr. Sliverstone, with dishevelled hair, +powdering away with pen, ink, and paper, at a rate which, if he has any +power of sustaining it, would settle the longest sermon in no time. At +first he is too much absorbed to be roused by this intrusion; but +presently looking up, says faintly, ‘Ah!’ and pointing to his desk with a +weary and languid smile, extends his hand, and hopes you’ll forgive him. +Then Mrs. Sliverstone sits down beside him, and taking his hand in hers, +tells you how that Mr. Sliverstone has been shut up there ever since nine +o’clock in the morning, (it is by this time twelve at noon,) and how she +knows it cannot be good for his health, and is very uneasy about it. +Unto this Mr. Sliverstone replies firmly, that ‘It must be done;’ which +agonizes Mrs. Sliverstone still more, and she goes on to tell you that +such were Mr. Sliverstone’s labours last week—what with the buryings, +marryings, churchings, christenings, and all together,—that when he was +going up the pulpit stairs on Sunday evening, he was obliged to hold on +by the rails, or he would certainly have fallen over into his own pew. +Mr. Sliverstone, who has been listening and smiling meekly, says, ‘Not +quite so bad as that, not quite so bad!’ he admits though, on +cross-examination, that he _was_ very near falling upon the verger who +was following him up to bolt the door; but adds, that it was his duty as +a Christian to fall upon him, if need were, and that he, Mr. Sliverstone, +and (possibly the verger too) ought to glory in it. + +This sentiment communicates new impulse to Mrs. Sliverstone, who launches +into new praises of Mr. Sliverstone’s worth and excellence, to which he +listens in the same meek silence, save when he puts in a word of +self-denial relative to some question of fact, as—‘Not seventy-two +christenings that week, my dear. Only seventy-one, only seventy-one.’ +At length his lady has quite concluded, and then he says, Why should he +repine, why should he give way, why should he suffer his heart to sink +within him? Is it he alone who toils and suffers? What has she gone +through, he should like to know? What does she go through every day for +him and for society? + +With such an exordium Mr. Sliverstone launches out into glowing praises +of the conduct of Mrs. Sliverstone in the production of eight young +children, and the subsequent rearing and fostering of the same; and thus +the husband magnifies the wife, and the wife the husband. + +This would be well enough if Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone kept it to +themselves, or even to themselves and a friend or two; but they do not. +The more hearers they have, the more egotistical the couple become, and +the more anxious they are to make believers in their merits. Perhaps +this is the worst kind of egotism. It has not even the poor excuse of +being spontaneous, but is the result of a deliberate system and malice +aforethought. Mere empty-headed conceit excites our pity, but +ostentatious hypocrisy awakens our disgust. + + + + +THE COUPLE WHO CODDLE THEMSELVES + + +MRS. MERRYWINKLE’S maiden name was Chopper. She was the only child of +Mr. and Mrs. Chopper. Her father died when she was, as the play-books +express it, ‘yet an infant;’ and so old Mrs. Chopper, when her daughter +married, made the house of her son-in-law her home from that time +henceforth, and set up her staff of rest with Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle. + +Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle are a couple who coddle themselves; and the +venerable Mrs. Chopper is an aider and abettor in the same. + +Mr. Merrywinkle is a rather lean and long-necked gentleman, middle-aged +and middle-sized, and usually troubled with a cold in the head. Mrs. +Merrywinkle is a delicate-looking lady, with very light hair, and is +exceedingly subject to the same unpleasant disorder. The venerable Mrs. +Chopper—who is strictly entitled to the appellation, her daughter not +being very young, otherwise than by courtesy, at the time of her +marriage, which was some years ago—is a mysterious old lady who lurks +behind a pair of spectacles, and is afflicted with a chronic disease, +respecting which she has taken a vast deal of medical advice, and +referred to a vast number of medical books, without meeting any +definition of symptoms that at all suits her, or enables her to say, +‘That’s my complaint.’ Indeed, the absence of authentic information upon +the subject of this complaint would seem to be Mrs. Chopper’s greatest +ill, as in all other respects she is an uncommonly hale and hearty +gentlewoman. + +Both Mr. and Mrs. Chopper wear an extraordinary quantity of flannel, and +have a habit of putting their feet in hot water to an unnatural extent. +They likewise indulge in chamomile tea and such-like compounds, and rub +themselves on the slightest provocation with camphorated spirits and +other lotions applicable to mumps, sore-throat, rheumatism, or lumbago. + +Mr. Merrywinkle’s leaving home to go to business on a damp or wet morning +is a very elaborate affair. He puts on wash-leather socks over his +stockings, and India-rubber shoes above his boots, and wears under his +waistcoat a cuirass of hare-skin. Besides these precautions, he winds a +thick shawl round his throat, and blocks up his mouth with a large silk +handkerchief. Thus accoutred, and furnished besides with a great-coat +and umbrella, he braves the dangers of the streets; travelling in severe +weather at a gentle trot, the better to preserve the circulation, and +bringing his mouth to the surface to take breath, but very seldom, and +with the utmost caution. His office-door opened, he shoots past his +clerk at the same pace, and diving into his own private room, closes the +door, examines the window-fastenings, and gradually unrobes himself: +hanging his pocket-handkerchief on the fender to air, and determining to +write to the newspapers about the fog, which, he says, ‘has really got to +that pitch that it is quite unbearable.’ + +In this last opinion Mrs. Merrywinkle and her respected mother fully +concur; for though not present, their thoughts and tongues are occupied +with the same subject, which is their constant theme all day. If anybody +happens to call, Mrs. Merrywinkle opines that they must assuredly be mad, +and her first salutation is, ‘Why, what in the name of goodness can bring +you out in such weather? You know you _must_ catch your death.’ This +assurance is corroborated by Mrs. Chopper, who adds, in further +confirmation, a dismal legend concerning an individual of her +acquaintance who, making a call under precisely parallel circumstances, +and being then in the best health and spirits, expired in forty-eight +hours afterwards, of a complication of inflammatory disorders. The +visitor, rendered not altogether comfortable perhaps by this and other +precedents, inquires very affectionately after Mr. Merrywinkle, but by so +doing brings about no change of the subject; for Mr. Merrywinkle’s name +is inseparably connected with his complaints, and his complaints are +inseparably connected with Mrs. Merrywinkle’s; and when these are done +with, Mrs. Chopper, who has been biding her time, cuts in with the +chronic disorder—a subject upon which the amiable old lady never leaves +off speaking until she is left alone, and very often not then. + + [Picture: The Couple who Coddle Themselves] + +But Mr. Merrywinkle comes home to dinner. He is received by Mrs. +Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper, who, on his remarking that he thinks his +feet are damp, turn pale as ashes and drag him up-stairs, imploring him +to have them rubbed directly with a dry coarse towel. Rubbed they are, +one by Mrs. Merrywinkle and one by Mrs. Chopper, until the friction +causes Mr. Merrywinkle to make horrible faces, and look as if he had been +smelling very powerful onions; when they desist, and the patient, +provided for his better security with thick worsted stockings and list +slippers, is borne down-stairs to dinner. Now, the dinner is always a +good one, the appetites of the diners being delicate, and requiring a +little of what Mrs. Merrywinkle calls ‘tittivation;’ the secret of which +is understood to lie in good cookery and tasteful spices, and which +process is so successfully performed in the present instance, that both +Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle eat a remarkably good dinner, and even the +afflicted Mrs. Chopper wields her knife and fork with much of the spirit +and elasticity of youth. But Mr. Merrywinkle, in his desire to gratify +his appetite, is not unmindful of his health, for he has a bottle of +carbonate of soda with which to qualify his porter, and a little pair of +scales in which to weigh it out. Neither in his anxiety to take care of +his body is he unmindful of the welfare of his immortal part, as he +always prays that for what he is going to receive he may be made truly +thankful; and in order that he may be as thankful as possible, eats and +drinks to the utmost. + +Either from eating and drinking so much, or from being the victim of this +constitutional infirmity, among others, Mr. Merrywinkle, after two or +three glasses of wine, falls fast asleep; and he has scarcely closed his +eyes, when Mrs. Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper fall asleep likewise. It is +on awakening at tea-time that their most alarming symptoms prevail; for +then Mr. Merrywinkle feels as if his temples were tightly bound round +with the chain of the street-door, and Mrs. Merrywinkle as if she had +made a hearty dinner of half-hundredweights, and Mrs. Chopper as if cold +water were running down her back, and oyster-knives with sharp points +were plunging of their own accord into her ribs. Symptoms like these are +enough to make people peevish, and no wonder that they remain so until +supper-time, doing little more than doze and complain, unless Mr. +Merrywinkle calls out very loudly to a servant ‘to keep that draught +out,’ or rushes into the passage to flourish his fist in the countenance +of the twopenny-postman, for daring to give such a knock as he had just +performed at the door of a private gentleman with nerves. + +Supper, coming after dinner, should consist of some gentle provocative; +and therefore the tittivating art is again in requisition, and again—done +honour to by Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, still comforted and abetted by +Mrs. Chopper. After supper, it is ten to one but the last-named old lady +becomes worse, and is led off to bed with the chronic complaint in full +vigour. Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, having administered to her a warm +cordial, which is something of the strongest, then repair to their own +room, where Mr. Merrywinkle, with his legs and feet in hot water, +superintends the mulling of some wine which he is to drink at the very +moment he plunges into bed, while Mrs. Merrywinkle, in garments whose +nature is unknown to and unimagined by all but married men, takes four +small pills with a spasmodic look between each, and finally comes to +something hot and fragrant out of another little saucepan, which serves +as her composing-draught for the night. + +There is another kind of couple who coddle themselves, and who do so at a +cheaper rate and on more spare diet, because they are niggardly and +parsimonious; for which reason they are kind enough to coddle their +visitors too. It is unnecessary to describe them, for our readers may +rest assured of the accuracy of these general principles:—that all +couples who coddle themselves are selfish and slothful,—that they charge +upon every wind that blows, every rain that falls, and every vapour that +hangs in the air, the evils which arise from their own imprudence or the +gloom which is engendered in their own tempers,—and that all men and +women, in couples or otherwise, who fall into exclusive habits of +self-indulgence, and forget their natural sympathy and close connexion +with everybody and everything in the world around them, not only neglect +the first duty of life, but, by a happy retributive justice, deprive +themselves of its truest and best enjoyment. + + + + +THE OLD COUPLE + + +THEY are grandfather and grandmother to a dozen grown people and have +great-grandchildren besides; their bodies are bent, their hair is grey, +their step tottering and infirm. Is this the lightsome pair whose +wedding was so merry, and have the young couple indeed grown old so soon! + +It seems but yesterday—and yet what a host of cares and griefs are +crowded into the intervening time which, reckoned by them, lengthens out +into a century! How many new associations have wreathed themselves about +their hearts since then! The old time is gone, and a new time has come +for others—not for them. They are but the rusting link that feebly joins +the two, and is silently loosening its hold and dropping asunder. + +It seems but yesterday—and yet three of their children have sunk into the +grave, and the tree that shades it has grown quite old. One was an +infant—they wept for him; the next a girl, a slight young thing too +delicate for earth—her loss was hard indeed to bear. The third, a man. +That was the worst of all, but even that grief is softened now. + +It seems but yesterday—and yet how the gay and laughing faces of that +bright morning have changed and vanished from above ground! Faint +likenesses of some remain about them yet, but they are very faint and +scarcely to be traced. The rest are only seen in dreams, and even they +are unlike what they were, in eyes so old and dim. + +One or two dresses from the bridal wardrobe are yet preserved. They are +of a quaint and antique fashion, and seldom seen except in pictures. +White has turned yellow, and brighter hues have faded. Do you wonder, +child? The wrinkled face was once as smooth as yours, the eyes as +bright, the shrivelled skin as fair and delicate. It is the work of +hands that have been dust these many years. + +Where are the fairy lovers of that happy day whose annual return comes +upon the old man and his wife, like the echo of some village bell which +has long been silent? Let yonder peevish bachelor, racked by rheumatic +pains, and quarrelling with the world, let him answer to the question. +He recollects something of a favourite playmate; her name was Lucy—so +they tell him. He is not sure whether she was married, or went abroad, +or died. It is a long while ago, and he don’t remember. + +Is nothing as it used to be; does no one feel, or think, or act, as in +days of yore? Yes. There is an aged woman who once lived servant with +the old lady’s father, and is sheltered in an alms-house not far off. +She is still attached to the family, and loves them all; she nursed the +children in her lap, and tended in their sickness those who are no more. +Her old mistress has still something of youth in her eyes; the young +ladies are like what she was but not quite so handsome, nor are the +gentlemen as stately as Mr. Harvey used to be. She has seen a great deal +of trouble; her husband and her son died long ago; but she has got over +that, and is happy now—quite happy. + +If ever her attachment to her old protectors were disturbed by fresher +cares and hopes, it has long since resumed its former current. It has +filled the void in the poor creature’s heart, and replaced the love of +kindred. Death has not left her alone, and this, with a roof above her +head, and a warm hearth to sit by, makes her cheerful and contented. +Does she remember the marriage of great-grandmamma? Ay, that she does, +as well—as if it was only yesterday. You wouldn’t think it to look at +her now, and perhaps she ought not to say so of herself, but she was as +smart a young girl then as you’d wish to see. She recollects she took a +friend of hers up-stairs to see Miss Emma dressed for church; her name +was—ah! she forgets the name, but she remembers that she was a very +pretty girl, and that she married not long afterwards, and lived—it has +quite passed out of her mind where she lived, but she knows she had a bad +husband who used her ill, and that she died in Lambeth work-house. Dear, +dear, in Lambeth workhouse! + + [Picture: The Old Couple] + +And the old couple—have they no comfort or enjoyment of existence? See +them among their grandchildren and great-grandchildren; how garrulous +they are, how they compare one with another, and insist on likenesses +which no one else can see; how gently the old lady lectures the girls on +points of breeding and decorum, and points the moral by anecdotes of +herself in her young days—how the old gentleman chuckles over boyish +feats and roguish tricks, and tells long stories of a ‘barring-out’ +achieved at the school he went to: which was very wrong, he tells the +boys, and never to be imitated of course, but which he cannot help +letting them know was very pleasant too—especially when he kissed the +master’s niece. This last, however, is a point on which the old lady is +very tender, for she considers it a shocking and indelicate thing to talk +about, and always says so whenever it is mentioned, never failing to +observe that he ought to be very penitent for having been so sinful. So +the old gentleman gets no further, and what the schoolmaster’s niece said +afterwards (which he is always going to tell) is lost to posterity. + +The old gentleman is eighty years old, to-day—‘Eighty years old, Crofts, +and never had a headache,’ he tells the barber who shaves him (the barber +being a young fellow, and very subject to that complaint). ‘That’s a +great age, Crofts,’ says the old gentleman. ‘I don’t think it’s sich a +wery great age, Sir,’ replied the barber. ‘Crofts,’ rejoins the old +gentleman, ‘you’re talking nonsense to me. Eighty not a great age?’ +‘It’s a wery great age, Sir, for a gentleman to be as healthy and active +as you are,’ returns the barber; ‘but my grandfather, Sir, he was +ninety-four.’ ‘You don’t mean that, Crofts?’ says the old gentleman. ‘I +do indeed, Sir,’ retorts the barber, ‘and as wiggerous as Julius Cæsar, +my grandfather was.’ The old gentleman muses a little time, and then +says, ‘What did he die of, Crofts?’ ‘He died accidentally, Sir,’ returns +the barber; ‘he didn’t mean to do it. He always would go a running about +the streets—walking never satisfied _his_ spirit—and he run against a +post and died of a hurt in his chest.’ The old gentleman says no more +until the shaving is concluded, and then he gives Crofts half-a-crown to +drink his health. He is a little doubtful of the barber’s veracity +afterwards, and telling the anecdote to the old lady, affects to make +very light of it—though to be sure (he adds) there was old Parr, and in +some parts of England, ninety-five or so is a common age, quite a common +age. + +This morning the old couple are cheerful but serious, recalling old times +as well as they can remember them, and dwelling upon many passages in +their past lives which the day brings to mind. The old lady reads aloud, +in a tremulous voice, out of a great Bible, and the old gentleman with +his hand to his ear, listens with profound respect. When the book is +closed, they sit silent for a short space, and afterwards resume their +conversation, with a reference perhaps to their dead children, as a +subject not unsuited to that they have just left. By degrees they are +led to consider which of those who survive are the most like those +dearly-remembered objects, and so they fall into a less solemn strain, +and become cheerful again. + +How many people in all, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and one or +two intimate friends of the family, dine together to-day at the eldest +son’s to congratulate the old couple, and wish them many happy returns, +is a calculation beyond our powers; but this we know, that the old couple +no sooner present themselves, very sprucely and carefully attired, than +there is a violent shouting and rushing forward of the younger branches +with all manner of presents, such as pocket-books, pencil-cases, +pen-wipers, watch-papers, pin-cushions, sleeve-buckles, worked-slippers, +watch-guards, and even a nutmeg-grater: the latter article being +presented by a very chubby and very little boy, who exhibits it in great +triumph as an extraordinary variety. The old couple’s emotion at these +tokens of remembrance occasions quite a pathetic scene, of which the +chief ingredients are a vast quantity of kissing and hugging, and +repeated wipings of small eyes and noses with small square +pocket-handkerchiefs, which don’t come at all easily out of small +pockets. Even the peevish bachelor is moved, and he says, as he presents +the old gentleman with a queer sort of antique ring from his own finger, +that he’ll be de’ed if he doesn’t think he looks younger than he did ten +years ago. + +But the great time is after dinner, when the dessert and wine are on the +table, which is pushed back to make plenty of room, and they are all +gathered in a large circle round the fire, for it is then—the glasses +being filled, and everybody ready to drink the toast—that two +great-grandchildren rush out at a given signal, and presently return, +dragging in old Jane Adams leaning upon her crutched stick, and trembling +with age and pleasure. Who so popular as poor old Jane, nurse and +story-teller in ordinary to two generations; and who so happy as she, +striving to bend her stiff limbs into a curtsey, while tears of pleasure +steal down her withered cheeks! + +The old couple sit side by side, and the old time seems like yesterday +indeed. Looking back upon the path they have travelled, its dust and +ashes disappear; the flowers that withered long ago, show brightly again +upon its borders, and they grow young once more in the youth of those +about them. + + + + +CONCLUSION + + +WE have taken for the subjects of the foregoing moral essays, twelve +samples of married couples, carefully selected from a large stock on +hand, open to the inspection of all comers. These samples are intended +for the benefit of the rising generation of both sexes, and, for their +more easy and pleasant information, have been separately ticketed and +labelled in the manner they have seen. + +We have purposely excluded from consideration the couple in which the +lady reigns paramount and supreme, holding such cases to be of a very +unnatural kind, and like hideous births and other monstrous deformities, +only to be discreetly and sparingly exhibited. + +And here our self-imposed task would have ended, but that to those young +ladies and gentlemen who are yet revolving singly round the church, +awaiting the advent of that time when the mysterious laws of attraction +shall draw them towards it in couples, we are desirous of addressing a +few last words. + +Before marriage and afterwards, let them learn to centre all their hopes +of real and lasting happiness in their own fireside; let them cherish the +faith that in home, and all the English virtues which the love of home +engenders, lies the only true source of domestic felicity; let them +believe that round the household gods, contentment and tranquillity +cluster in their gentlest and most graceful forms; and that many weary +hunters of happiness through the noisy world, have learnt this truth too +late, and found a cheerful spirit and a quiet mind only at home at last. + +How much may depend on the education of daughters and the conduct of +mothers; how much of the brightest part of our old national character may +be perpetuated by their wisdom or frittered away by their folly—how much +of it may have been lost already, and how much more in danger of +vanishing every day—are questions too weighty for discussion here, but +well deserving a little serious consideration from all young couples +nevertheless. + +To that one young couple on whose bright destiny the thoughts of nations +are fixed, may the youth of England look, and not in vain, for an +example. From that one young couple, blessed and favoured as they are, +may they learn that even the glare and glitter of a court, the splendour +of a palace, and the pomp and glory of a throne, yield in their power of +conferring happiness, to domestic worth and virtue. From that one young +couple may they learn that the crown of a great empire, costly and +jewelled though it be, gives place in the estimation of a Queen to the +plain gold ring that links her woman’s nature to that of tens of +thousands of her humble subjects, and guards in her woman’s heart one +secret store of tenderness, whose proudest boast shall be that it knows +no Royalty save Nature’s own, and no pride of birth but being the child +of heaven! + +So shall the highest young couple in the land for once hear the truth, +when men throw up their caps, and cry with loving shouts— + + GOD BLESS THEM. + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES*** + + +******* This file should be named 916-0.txt or 916-0.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/9/1/916 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, +and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive +specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this +eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook +for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, +performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given +away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks +not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the +trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. + +START: FULL LICENSE + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full +Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at +www.gutenberg.org/license. + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or +destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your +possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a +Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound +by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the +person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph +1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this +agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the +Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection +of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual +works in the collection are in the public domain in the United +States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the +United States and you are located in the United States, we do not +claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, +displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as +all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope +that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting +free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm +works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the +Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily +comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the +same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when +you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are +in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, +check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this +agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, +distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any +other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no +representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any +country outside the United States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other +immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear +prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work +on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, +performed, viewed, copied or distributed: + + This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and + most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no + restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it + under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this + eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the + United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you + are located before using this ebook. + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is +derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not +contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the +copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in +the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are +redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply +either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or +obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm +trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any +additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms +will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works +posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the +beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including +any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access +to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format +other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official +version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site +(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense +to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means +of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain +Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the +full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +provided that + +* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed + to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has + agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid + within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are + legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty + payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in + Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg + Literary Archive Foundation." + +* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all + copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue + all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm + works. + +* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of + any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of + receipt of the work. + +* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than +are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing +from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The +Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm +trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project +Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may +contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate +or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or +other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or +cannot be read by your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium +with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you +with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in +lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person +or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second +opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If +the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing +without further opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO +OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of +damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement +violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the +agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or +limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or +unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the +remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in +accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the +production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, +including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of +the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this +or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or +additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any +Defect you cause. + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of +computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It +exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations +from people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future +generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see +Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at +www.gutenberg.org + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by +U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the +mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its +volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous +locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt +Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to +date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and +official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND +DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular +state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To +donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project +Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be +freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and +distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of +volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in +the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not +necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper +edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search +facility: www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/916-0.zip b/916-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3404ba1 --- /dev/null +++ b/916-0.zip diff --git a/916-h.zip b/916-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..289cba4 --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h.zip diff --git a/916-h/916-h.htm b/916-h/916-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bd5b854 --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/916-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2580 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>Sketches of Young Couples, by Charles Dickens</title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + P { margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + P.gutsumm { margin-left: 5%;} + P.poetry {margin-left: 3%; } + .GutSmall { font-size: 0.7em; } + H1, H2 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + } + H3, H4, H5 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + } + BODY{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + table { border-collapse: collapse; } +table {margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + td { vertical-align: top; border: 1px solid black;} + td p { margin: 0.2em; } + .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .pagenum {position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-weight: normal; + color: gray; + } + img { border: none; } + img.dc { float: left; width: 50px; height: 50px; } + p.gutindent { margin-left: 2em; } + div.gapspace { height: 0.8em; } + div.gapline { height: 0.8em; width: 100%; border-top: 1px solid;} + div.gapmediumline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + div.gapmediumdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; + margin-left: 40%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid; } + div.gapdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 50%; + margin-left: 25%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; margin-left:40%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + .citation {vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none;} + img.floatleft { float: left; + margin-right: 1em; + margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.floatright { float: right; + margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.clearcenter {display: block; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em} + --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Sketches of Young Couples, by Charles Dickens + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + + +Title: Sketches of Young Couples + + +Author: Charles Dickens + + + +Release Date: April 11, 2015 [eBook #916] +[This file was first posted on May 22, 1997] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES*** +</pre> +<p>Transcribed from the 1903 Chapman and Hall <i>Sketches by +Boz</i> edition by David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org</p> +<h1>SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES</h1> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> +<table> +<tr> +<td><p> </p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span +class="GutSmall">PAGE</span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>An Urgent Remonstrance, &c.</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page447">447</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Young Couple</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page451">451</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Formal Couple</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page455">455</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Loving Couple</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page458">458</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Contradictory Couple</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page463">463</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Couple Who Dote Upon Their Children</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page466">466</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Cool Couple</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page471">471</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Plausible Couple</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page474">474</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Nice Little Couple</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page478">478</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Egotistical Couple</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page481">481</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Couple Who Coddle Themselves</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page485">485</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>The Old Couple</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page489">489</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p>Conclusion</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page493">493</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<h2><a name="page447"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 447</span>An +Urgent Remonstrance, &c.</h2> +<p style="text-align: center">TO THE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND,<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">(BEING BACHELORS OR WIDOWERS,)</span></p> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">THE +REMONSTRANCE OF THEIR FAITHFUL FELLOW-SUBJECT,</span></p> +<p><span class="smcap">Sheweth</span>,—</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> Her Most Gracious Majesty, +Victoria, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great +Britain and Ireland Queen, Defender of the Faith, did, on the +23rd day of November last past, declare and pronounce to Her Most +Honourable Privy Council, Her Majesty’s Most Gracious +intention of entering into the bonds of wedlock.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> Her Most Gracious Majesty, in +so making known Her Most Gracious intention to Her Most +Honourable Privy Council as aforesaid, did use and employ the +words—‘It is my intention to ally myself in marriage +with Prince Albert of Saxe Coburg and Gotha.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> the present is Bissextile, or +Leap Year, in which it is held and considered lawful for any lady +to offer and submit proposals of marriage to any gentleman, and +to enforce and insist upon acceptance of the same, under pain of +a certain fine or penalty; to wit, one silk or satin dress of the +first quality, to be chosen by the lady and paid (or owed) for, +by the gentleman.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> these and other the horrors +and dangers with which the said Bissextile, or Leap Year, +threatens the gentlemen of England on every occasion of its +periodical return, have been greatly aggravated and augmented by +the terms of Her Majesty’s said Most Gracious +communication, which have filled the heads of divers young ladies +in this Realm with certain new ideas destructive to the peace of +mankind, that never entered their imagination before.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> a case has occurred in +Camberwell, in which a young lady informed her Papa that +‘she intended to ally herself in marriage’ with Mr. +Smith of Stepney; and that another, and a very distressing case, +has occurred at Tottenham, in which a young lady not only stated +her intention of allying herself in marriage with her cousin +John, but, taking violent possession of her said cousin, actually +married him.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> similar outrages are of +constant occurrence, not only in the capital and its +neighbourhood, but throughout the kingdom, and that unless the +excited female populace be speedily checked and restrained in +their lawless proceedings, most deplorable results must ensue +therefrom; among which may be anticipated a most alarming +increase in the population of the country, with which no efforts +of the agricultural or manufacturing interest can possibly keep +pace.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> there is strong reason to +suspect the existence of a most extensive plot, conspiracy, or +design, secretly contrived by vast numbers of single ladies in +the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, and now +extending its ramifications in every quarter of the land; the +object and intent of which plainly appears to be the holding and +solemnising of an enormous and unprecedented number of marriages, +on the day on which the nuptials of Her said Most Gracious +Majesty are performed.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> such plot, conspiracy, or +design, strongly savours of Popery, as tending to the +discomfiture of the Clergy of the Established Church, by +entailing upon them great mental and physical exhaustion; and +that such Popish plots are fomented and encouraged by Her +Majesty’s Ministers, which clearly appears—not only +from Her Majesty’s principal Secretary of State for Foreign +Affairs traitorously getting married while holding office under +the Crown; but from Mr. O’Connell having been heard to +declare and avow that, if he had a daughter to marry, she should +be married on the same day as Her said Most Gracious Majesty.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> such arch plots, conspiracies, +and designs, besides being fraught with danger to the Established +Church, and (consequently) to the State, cannot fail to bring +ruin and bankruptcy upon a large class of Her Majesty’s +subjects; as a great and sudden increase in the number of married +men occasioning the comparative desertion (for a time) of +Taverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, will deprive +the Proprietors of their accustomed profits and returns. +And in further proof of the depth and baseness of such designs, +it may be here observed, that all proprietors of Taverns, Hotels, +Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, are (especially the last) +solemnly devoted to the Protestant religion.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">For</span> all these reasons, and many +others of no less gravity and import, an urgent appeal is made to +the gentlemen of England (being bachelors or widowers) to take +immediate steps for convening a Public meeting; To consider of +the best and surest means of averting the dangers with which they +are threatened by the recurrence of Bissextile, or Leap Year, and +the additional sensation created among single ladies by the terms +of Her Majesty’s Most Gracious Declaration; To take +measures, without delay, for resisting the said single Ladies, +and counteracting their evil designs; And to pray Her Majesty to +dismiss her present Ministers, and to summon to her Councils +those distinguished Gentlemen in various Honourable Professions +who, by insulting on all occasions the only Lady in England who +can be insulted with safety, have given a sufficient guarantee to +Her Majesty’s Loving Subjects that they, at least, are +qualified to make war with women, and are already expert in the +use of those weapons which are common to the lowest and most +abandoned of the sex.</p> +<h2><a name="page451"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 451</span>THE +YOUNG COUPLE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is to be a wedding this +morning at the corner house in the terrace. The +pastry-cook’s people have been there half-a-dozen times +already; all day yesterday there was a great stir and bustle, and +they were up this morning as soon as it was light. Miss +Emma Fielding is going to be married to young Mr. Harvey.</p> +<p>Heaven alone can tell in what bright colours this marriage is +painted upon the mind of the little housemaid at number six, who +has hardly slept a wink all night with thinking of it, and now +stands on the unswept door-steps leaning upon her broom, and +looking wistfully towards the enchanted house. Nothing +short of omniscience can divine what visions of the baker, or the +green-grocer, or the smart and most insinuating butterman, are +flitting across her mind—what thoughts of how she would +dress on such an occasion, if she were a lady—of how she +would dress, if she were only a bride—of how cook would +dress, being bridesmaid, conjointly with her sister ‘in +place’ at Fulham, and how the clergyman, deeming them so +many ladies, would be quite humbled and respectful. What +day-dreams of hope and happiness—of life being one +perpetual holiday, with no master and no mistress to grant or +withhold it—of every Sunday being a Sunday out—of +pure freedom as to curls and ringlets, and no obligation to hide +fine heads of hair in caps—what pictures of happiness, vast +and immense to her, but utterly ridiculous to us, bewilder the +brain of the little housemaid at number six, all called into +existence by the wedding at the corner!</p> +<p>We smile at such things, and so we should, though perhaps for +a better reason than commonly presents itself. It should be +pleasant to us to know that there are notions of happiness so +moderate and limited, since upon those who entertain them, +happiness and lightness of heart are very easily bestowed.</p> +<p>But the little housemaid is awakened from her reverie, for +forth from the door of the magical corner house there runs +towards her, all fluttering in smart new dress and streaming +ribands, her friend Jane Adams, who comes all out of breath to +redeem a solemn promise of taking her in, under cover of the +confusion, to see the breakfast table spread forth in state, +and—sight of sights!—her young mistress ready dressed +for church.</p> +<p>And there, in good truth, when they have stolen up-stairs on +tip-toe and edged themselves in at the chamber-door—there +is Miss Emma ‘looking like the sweetest picter,’ in a +white chip bonnet and orange flowers, and all other elegancies +becoming a bride, (with the make, shape, and quality of every +article of which the girl is perfectly familiar in one moment, +and never forgets to her dying day)—and there is Miss +Emma’s mamma in tears, and Miss Emma’s papa +comforting her, and saying how that of course she has been long +looking forward to this, and how happy she ought to be—and +there too is Miss Emma’s sister with her arms round her +neck, and the other bridesmaid all smiles and tears, quieting the +children, who would cry more but that they are so finely dressed, +and yet sob for fear sister Emma should be taken away—and +it is all so affecting, that the two servant-girls cry more than +anybody; and Jane Adams, sitting down upon the stairs, when they +have crept away, declares that her legs tremble so that she +don’t know what to do, and that she will say for Miss Emma, +that she never had a hasty word from her, and that she does hope +and pray she may be happy.</p> +<p>But Jane soon comes round again, and then surely there never +was anything like the breakfast table, glittering with plate and +china, and set out with flowers and sweets, and long-necked +bottles, in the most sumptuous and dazzling manner. In the +centre, too, is the mighty charm, the cake, glistening with +frosted sugar, and garnished beautifully. They agree that +there ought to be a little Cupid under one of the barley-sugar +temples, or at least two hearts and an arrow; but, with this +exception, there is nothing to wish for, and a table could not be +handsomer. As they arrive at this conclusion, who should +come in but Mr. John! to whom Jane says that its only Anne from +number six; and John says <i>he</i> knows, for he’s often +winked his eye down the area, which causes Anne to blush and look +confused. She is going away, indeed; when Mr. John will +have it that she must drink a glass of wine, and he says never +mind it’s being early in the morning, it won’t hurt +her: so they shut the door and pour out the wine; and Anne +drinking lane’s health, and adding, ‘and here’s +wishing you yours, Mr. John,’ drinks it in a great many +sips,—Mr. John all the time making jokes appropriate to the +occasion. At last Mr. John, who has waxed bolder by +degrees, pleads the usage at weddings, and claims the privilege +of a kiss, which he obtains after a great scuffle; and footsteps +being now heard on the stairs, they disperse suddenly.</p> +<p>By this time a carriage has driven up to convey the bride to +church, and Anne of number six prolonging the process of +‘cleaning her door,’ has the satisfaction of +beholding the bride and bridesmaids, and the papa and mamma, +hurry into the same and drive rapidly off. Nor is this all, +for soon other carriages begin to arrive with a posse of company +all beautifully dressed, at whom she could stand and gaze for +ever; but having something else to do, is compelled to take one +last long look and shut the street-door.</p> +<p>And now the company have gone down to breakfast, and tears +have given place to smiles, for all the corks are out of the +long-necked bottles, and their contents are disappearing +rapidly. Miss Emma’s papa is at the top of the table; +Miss Emma’s mamma at the bottom; and beside the latter are +Miss Emma herself and her husband,—admitted on all hands to +be the handsomest and most interesting young couple ever +known. All down both sides of the table, too, are various +young ladies, beautiful to see, and various young gentlemen who +seem to think so; and there, in a post of honour, is an unmarried +aunt of Miss Emma’s, reported to possess unheard-of riches, +and to have expressed vast testamentary intentions respecting her +favourite niece and new nephew. This lady has been very +liberal and generous already, as the jewels worn by the bride +abundantly testify, but that is nothing to what she means to do, +or even to what she has done, for she put herself in close +communication with the dressmaker three months ago, and prepared +a wardrobe (with some articles worked by her own hands) fit for a +Princess. People may call her an old maid, and so she may +be, but she is neither cross nor ugly for all that; on the +contrary, she is very cheerful and pleasant-looking, and very +kind and tender-hearted: which is no matter of surprise except to +those who yield to popular prejudices without thinking why, and +will never grow wiser and never know better.</p> +<p>Of all the company though, none are more pleasant to behold or +better pleased with themselves than two young children, who, in +honour of the day, have seats among the guests. Of these, +one is a little fellow of six or eight years old, brother to the +bride,—and the other a girl of the same age, or something +younger, whom he calls ‘his wife.’ The real +bride and bridegroom are not more devoted than they: he all love +and attention, and she all blushes and fondness, toying with a +little bouquet which he gave her this morning, and placing the +scattered rose-leaves in her bosom with nature’s own +coquettishness. They have dreamt of each other in their +quiet dreams, these children, and their little hearts have been +nearly broken when the absent one has been dispraised in +jest. When will there come in after-life a passion so +earnest, generous, and true as theirs; what, even in its gentlest +realities, can have the grace and charm that hover round such +fairy lovers!</p> +<p>By this time the merriment and happiness of the feast have +gained their height; certain ominous looks begin to be exchanged +between the bridesmaids, and somehow it gets whispered about that +the carriage which is to take the young couple into the country +has arrived. Such members of the party as are most disposed +to prolong its enjoyments, affect to consider this a false alarm, +but it turns out too true, being speedily confirmed, first by the +retirement of the bride and a select file of intimates who are to +prepare her for the journey, and secondly by the withdrawal of +the ladies generally. To this there ensues a particularly +awkward pause, in which everybody essays to be facetious, and +nobody succeeds; at length the bridegroom makes a mysterious +disappearance in obedience to some equally mysterious signal; and +the table is deserted.</p> +<p>Now, for at least six weeks last past it has been solemnly +devised and settled that the young couple should go away in +secret; but they no sooner appear without the door than the +drawing-room windows are blocked up with ladies waving their +handkerchiefs and kissing their hands, and the dining-room panes +with gentlemen’s faces beaming farewell in every queer +variety of its expression. The hall and steps are crowded +with servants in white favours, mixed up with particular friends +and relations who have darted out to say good-bye; and foremost +in the group are the tiny lovers arm in arm, thinking, with +fluttering hearts, what happiness it would be to dash away +together in that gallant coach, and never part again.</p> +<p>The bride has barely time for one hurried glance at her old +home, when the steps rattle, the door slams, the horses clatter +on the pavement, and they have left it far away.</p> +<p>A knot of women servants still remain clustered in the hall, +whispering among themselves, and there of course is Anne from +number six, who has made another escape on some plea or other, +and been an admiring witness of the departure. There are +two points on which Anne expatiates over and over again, without +the smallest appearance of fatigue or intending to leave off; one +is, that she ‘never see in all her life such a—oh +such a angel of a gentleman as Mr. Harvey’—and the +other, that she ‘can’t tell how it is, but it +don’t seem a bit like a work-a-day, or a Sunday +neither—it’s all so unsettled and +unregular.’</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p454b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Departure of the Young Couple" +title= +"Departure of the Young Couple" + src="images/p454s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<h2><a name="page455"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 455</span>THE +FORMAL COUPLE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> formal couple are the most +prim, cold, immovable, and unsatisfactory people on the face of +the earth. Their faces, voices, dress, house, furniture, +walk, and manner, are all the essence of formality, unrelieved by +one redeeming touch of frankness, heartiness, or nature.</p> +<p>Everything with the formal couple resolves itself into a +matter of form. They don’t call upon you on your +account, but their own; not to see how you are, but to show how +they are: it is not a ceremony to do honour to you, but to +themselves,—not due to your position, but to theirs. +If one of a friend’s children die, the formal couple are as +sure and punctual in sending to the house as the undertaker; if a +friend’s family be increased, the monthly nurse is not more +attentive than they. The formal couple, in fact, joyfully +seize all occasions of testifying their good-breeding and precise +observance of the little usages of society; and for you, who are +the means to this end, they care as much as a man does for the +tailor who has enabled him to cut a figure, or a woman for the +milliner who has assisted her to a conquest.</p> +<p>Having an extensive connexion among that kind of people who +make acquaintances and eschew friends, the formal gentleman +attends from time to time a great many funerals, to which he is +formally invited, and to which he formally goes, as returning a +call for the last time. Here his deportment is of the most +faultless description; he knows the exact pitch of voice it is +proper to assume, the sombre look he ought to wear, the +melancholy tread which should be his gait for the day. He +is perfectly acquainted with all the dreary courtesies to be +observed in a mourning-coach; knows when to sigh, and when to +hide his nose in the white handkerchief; and looks into the grave +and shakes his head when the ceremony is concluded, with the sad +formality of a mute.</p> +<p>‘What kind of funeral was it?’ says the formal +lady, when he returns home. ‘Oh!’ replies the +formal gentleman, ‘there never was such a gross and +disgusting impropriety; there were no feathers.’ +‘No feathers!’ cries the lady, as if on wings of +black feathers dead people fly to Heaven, and, lacking them, they +must of necessity go elsewhere. Her husband shakes his +head; and further adds, that they had seed-cake instead of +plum-cake, and that it was all white wine. ‘All white +wine!’ exclaims his wife. ‘Nothing but sherry +and madeira,’ says the husband. ‘What! no +port?’ ‘Not a drop.’ No port, no +plums, and no feathers! ‘You will recollect, my +dear,’ says the formal lady, in a voice of stately reproof, +‘that when we first met this poor man who is now dead and +gone, and he took that very strange course of addressing me at +dinner without being previously introduced, I ventured to express +my opinion that the family were quite ignorant of etiquette, and +very imperfectly acquainted with the decencies of life. You +have now had a good opportunity of judging for yourself, and all +I have to say is, that I trust you will never go to a funeral +<i>there</i> again.’ ‘My dear,’ replies +the formal gentleman, ‘I never will.’ So the +informal deceased is cut in his grave; and the formal couple, +when they tell the story of the funeral, shake their heads, and +wonder what some people’s feelings <i>are</i> made of, and +what their notions of propriety <i>can</i> be!</p> +<p>If the formal couple have a family (which they sometimes +have), they are not children, but little, pale, sour, sharp-nosed +men and women; and so exquisitely brought up, that they might be +very old dwarfs for anything that appeareth to the +contrary. Indeed, they are so acquainted with forms and +conventionalities, and conduct themselves with such strict +decorum, that to see the little girl break a looking-glass in +some wild outbreak, or the little boy kick his parents, would be +to any visitor an unspeakable relief and consolation.</p> +<p>The formal couple are always sticklers for what is rigidly +proper, and have a great readiness in detecting hidden +impropriety of speech or thought, which by less scrupulous people +would be wholly unsuspected. Thus, if they pay a visit to +the theatre, they sit all night in a perfect agony lest anything +improper or immoral should proceed from the stage; and if +anything should happen to be said which admits of a double +construction, they never fail to take it up directly, and to +express by their looks the great outrage which their feelings +have sustained. Perhaps this is their chief reason for +absenting themselves almost entirely from places of public +amusement. They go sometimes to the Exhibition of the Royal +Academy;—but that is often more shocking than the stage +itself, and the formal lady thinks that it really is high time +Mr. Etty was prosecuted and made a public example of.</p> +<p>We made one at a christening party not long since, where there +were amongst the guests a formal couple, who suffered the acutest +torture from certain jokes, incidental to such an occasion, +cut—and very likely dried also—by one of the +godfathers; a red-faced elderly gentleman, who, being highly +popular with the rest of the company, had it all his own way, and +was in great spirits. It was at supper-time that this +gentleman came out in full force. We—being of a grave +and quiet demeanour—had been chosen to escort the formal +lady down-stairs, and, sitting beside her, had a favourable +opportunity of observing her emotions.</p> +<p>We have a shrewd suspicion that, in the very beginning, and in +the first blush—literally the first blush—of the +matter, the formal lady had not felt quite certain whether the +being present at such a ceremony, and encouraging, as it were, +the public exhibition of a baby, was not an act involving some +degree of indelicacy and impropriety; but certain we are that +when that baby’s health was drunk, and allusions were made, +by a grey-headed gentleman proposing it, to the time when he had +dandled in his arms the young Christian’s +mother,—certain we are that then the formal lady took the +alarm, and recoiled from the old gentleman as from a hoary +profligate. Still she bore it; she fanned herself with an +indignant air, but still she bore it. A comic song was +sung, involving a confession from some imaginary gentleman that +he had kissed a female, and yet the formal lady bore it. +But when at last, the health of the godfather before-mentioned +being drunk, the godfather rose to return thanks, and in the +course of his observations darkly hinted at babies yet unborn, +and even contemplated the possibility of the subject of that +festival having brothers and sisters, the formal lady could +endure no more, but, bowing slightly round, and sweeping +haughtily past the offender, left the room in tears, under the +protection of the formal gentleman.</p> +<h2><a name="page458"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 458</span>THE +LOVING COUPLE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> cannot be a better practical +illustration of the wise saw and ancient instance, that there may +be too much of a good thing, than is presented by a loving +couple. Undoubtedly it is meet and proper that two persons +joined together in holy matrimony should be loving, and +unquestionably it is pleasant to know and see that they are so; +but there is a time for all things, and the couple who happen to +be always in a loving state before company, are well-nigh +intolerable.</p> +<p>And in taking up this position we would have it distinctly +understood that we do not seek alone the sympathy of bachelors, +in whose objection to loving couples we recognise interested +motives and personal considerations. We grant that to that +unfortunate class of society there may be something very +irritating, tantalising, and provoking, in being compelled to +witness those gentle endearments and chaste interchanges which to +loving couples are quite the ordinary business of life. But +while we recognise the natural character of the prejudice to +which these unhappy men are subject, we can neither receive their +biassed evidence, nor address ourself to their inflamed and +angered minds. Dispassionate experience is our only guide; +and in these moral essays we seek no less to reform hymeneal +offenders than to hold out a timely warning to all rising +couples, and even to those who have not yet set forth upon their +pilgrimage towards the matrimonial market.</p> +<p>Let all couples, present or to come, therefore profit by the +example of Mr. and Mrs. Leaver, themselves a loving couple in the +first degree.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p458b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"The Loving Couple" +title= +"The Loving Couple" + src="images/p458s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Leaver are pronounced by Mrs. Starling, a widow +lady who lost her husband when she was young, and lost herself +about the same-time—for by her own count she has never +since grown five years older—to be a perfect model of +wedded felicity. ‘You would suppose,’ says the +romantic lady, ‘that they were lovers only just now +engaged. Never was such happiness! They are so +tender, so affectionate, so attached to each other, so enamoured, +that positively nothing can be more charming!’</p> +<p>‘Augusta, my soul,’ says Mr. Leaver. +‘Augustus, my life,’ replies Mrs. Leaver. +‘Sing some little ballad, darling,’ quoth Mr. +Leaver. ‘I couldn’t, indeed, dearest,’ +returns Mrs. Leaver. ‘Do, my dove,’ says Mr. +Leaver. ‘I couldn’t possibly, my love,’ +replies Mrs. Leaver; ‘and it’s very naughty of you to +ask me.’ ‘Naughty, darling!’ cries Mr. +Leaver. ‘Yes, very naughty, and very cruel,’ +returns Mrs. Leaver, ‘for you know I have a sore throat, +and that to sing would give me great pain. You’re a +monster, and I hate you. Go away!’ Mrs. Leaver +has said ‘go away,’ because Mr. Leaver has tapped her +under the chin: Mr. Leaver not doing as he is bid, but on the +contrary, sitting down beside her, Mrs. Leaver slaps Mr. Leaver; +and Mr. Leaver in return slaps Mrs. Leaver, and it being now time +for all persons present to look the other way, they look the +other way, and hear a still small sound as of kissing, at which +Mrs. Starling is thoroughly enraptured, and whispers her +neighbour that if all married couples were like that, what a +heaven this earth would be!</p> +<p>The loving couple are at home when this occurs, and maybe only +three or four friends are present, but, unaccustomed to reserve +upon this interesting point, they are pretty much the same +abroad. Indeed upon some occasions, such as a pic-nic or a +water-party, their lovingness is even more developed, as we had +an opportunity last summer of observing in person.</p> +<p>There was a great water-party made up to go to Twickenham and +dine, and afterwards dance in an empty villa by the river-side, +hired expressly for the purpose. Mr. and Mrs. Leaver were +of the company; and it was our fortune to have a seat in the same +boat, which was an eight-oared galley, manned by amateurs, with a +blue striped awning of the same pattern as their Guernsey shirts, +and a dingy red flag of the same shade as the whiskers of the +stroke oar. A coxswain being appointed, and all other +matters adjusted, the eight gentlemen threw themselves into +strong paroxysms, and pulled up with the tide, stimulated by the +compassionate remarks of the ladies, who one and all exclaimed, +that it seemed an immense exertion—as indeed it did. +At first we raced the other boat, which came alongside in gallant +style; but this being found an unpleasant amusement, as giving +rise to a great quantity of splashing, and rendering the cold +pies and other viands very moist, it was unanimously voted down, +and we were suffered to shoot a-head, while the second boat +followed ingloriously in our wake.</p> +<p>It was at this time that we first recognised Mr. Leaver. +There were two firemen-watermen in the boat, lying by until +somebody was exhausted; and one of them, who had taken upon +himself the direction of affairs, was heard to cry in a gruff +voice, ‘Pull away, number two—give it her, number +two—take a longer reach, number two—now, number two, +sir, think you’re winning a boat.’ The greater +part of the company had no doubt begun to wonder which of the +striped Guernseys it might be that stood in need of such +encouragement, when a stifled shriek from Mrs. Leaver confirmed +the doubtful and informed the ignorant; and Mr. Leaver, still +further disguised in a straw hat and no neckcloth, was observed +to be in a fearful perspiration, and failing visibly. Nor +was the general consternation diminished at this instant by the +same gentleman (in the performance of an accidental aquatic feat, +termed ‘catching a crab’) plunging suddenly backward, +and displaying nothing of himself to the company, but two +violently struggling legs. Mrs. Leaver shrieked again +several times, and cried piteously—‘Is he dead? +Tell me the worst. Is he dead?’</p> +<p>Now, a moment’s reflection might have convinced the +loving wife, that unless her husband were endowed with some most +surprising powers of muscular action, he never could be dead +while he kicked so hard; but still Mrs. Leaver cried, ‘Is +he dead? is he dead?’ and still everybody else +cried—‘No, no, no,’ until such time as Mr. +Leaver was replaced in a sitting posture, and his oar (which had +been going through all kinds of wrong-headed performances on its +own account) was once more put in his hand, by the exertions of +the two firemen-watermen. Mr. Leaver then exclaimed, +‘Augustus, my child, come to me;’ and Mr. Leaver +said, ‘Augusta, my love, compose yourself, I am not +injured.’ But Mrs. Leaver cried again more piteously +than before, ‘Augustus, my child, come to me;’ and +now the company generally, who seemed to be apprehensive that if +Mr. Leaver remained where he was, he might contribute more than +his proper share towards the drowning of the party, +disinterestedly took part with Mrs. Leaver, and said he really +ought to go, and that he was not strong enough for such violent +exercise, and ought never to have undertaken it. +Reluctantly, Mr. Leaver went, and laid himself down at Mrs. +Leaver’s feet, and Mrs. Leaver stooping over him, said, +‘Oh Augustus, how could you terrify me so?’ and Mr. +Leaver said, ‘Augusta, my sweet, I never meant to terrify +you;’ and Mrs. Leaver said, ‘You are faint, my +dear;’ and Mr. Leaver said, ‘I am rather so, my +love;’ and they were very loving indeed under Mrs. +Leaver’s veil, until at length Mr. Leaver came forth again, +and pleasantly asked if he had not heard something said about +bottled stout and sandwiches.</p> +<p>Mrs. Starling, who was one of the party, was perfectly +delighted with this scene, and frequently murmured half-aside, +‘What a loving couple you are!’ or ‘How +delightful it is to see man and wife so happy +together!’ To us she was quite poetical, (for we are +a kind of cousins,) observing that hearts beating in unison like +that made life a paradise of sweets; and that when kindred +creatures were drawn together by sympathies so fine and delicate, +what more than mortal happiness did not our souls partake! +To all this we answered ‘Certainly,’ or ‘Very +true,’ or merely sighed, as the case might be. At +every new act of the loving couple, the widow’s admiration +broke out afresh; and when Mrs. Leaver would not permit Mr. +Leaver to keep his hat off, lest the sun should strike to his +head, and give him a brain fever, Mrs. Starling actually shed +tears, and said it reminded her of Adam and Eve.</p> +<p>The loving couple were thus loving all the way to Twickenham, +but when we arrived there (by which time the amateur crew looked +very thirsty and vicious) they were more playful than ever, for +Mrs. Leaver threw stones at Mr. Leaver, and Mr. Leaver ran after +Mrs. Leaver on the grass, in a most innocent and enchanting +manner. At dinner, too, Mr. Leaver <i>would</i> steal Mrs. +Leaver’s tongue, and Mrs. Leaver <i>would</i> retaliate +upon Mr. Leaver’s fowl; and when Mrs. Leaver was going to +take some lobster salad, Mr. Leaver wouldn’t let her have +any, saying that it made her ill, and she was always sorry for it +afterwards, which afforded Mrs. Leaver an opportunity of +pretending to be cross, and showing many other +prettinesses. But this was merely the smiling surface of +their loves, not the mighty depths of the stream, down to which +the company, to say the truth, dived rather unexpectedly, from +the following accident. It chanced that Mr. Leaver took +upon himself to propose the bachelors who had first originated +the notion of that entertainment, in doing which, he affected to +regret that he was no longer of their body himself, and pretended +grievously to lament his fallen state. This Mrs. +Leaver’s feelings could not brook, even in jest, and +consequently, exclaiming aloud, ‘He loves me not, he loves +me not!’ she fell in a very pitiable state into the arms of +Mrs. Starling, and, directly becoming insensible, was conveyed by +that lady and her husband into another room. Presently Mr. +Leaver came running back to know if there was a medical gentleman +in company, and as there was, (in what company is there not?) +both Mr. Leaver and the medical gentleman hurried away +together.</p> +<p>The medical gentleman was the first who returned, and among +his intimate friends he was observed to laugh and wink, and look +as unmedical as might be; but when Mr. Leaver came back he was +very solemn, and in answer to all inquiries, shook his head, and +remarked that Augusta was far too sensitive to be trifled +with—an opinion which the widow subsequently +confirmed. Finding that she was in no imminent peril, +however, the rest of the party betook themselves to dancing on +the green, and very merry and happy they were, and a vast +quantity of flirtation there was; the last circumstance being no +doubt attributable, partly to the fineness of the weather, and +partly to the locality, which is well known to be favourable to +all harmless recreations.</p> +<p>In the bustle of the scene, Mr. and Mrs. Leaver stole down to +the boat, and disposed themselves under the awning, Mrs. Leaver +reclining her head upon Mr. Leaver’s shoulder, and Mr. +Leaver grasping her hand with great fervour, and looking in her +face from time to time with a melancholy and sympathetic +aspect. The widow sat apart, feigning to be occupied with a +book, but stealthily observing them from behind her fan; and the +two firemen-watermen, smoking their pipes on the bank hard by, +nudged each other, and grinned in enjoyment of the joke. +Very few of the party missed the loving couple; and the few who +did, heartily congratulated each other on their +disappearance.</p> +<h2><a name="page463"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 463</span>THE +CONTRADICTORY COUPLE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> would suppose that two people +who are to pass their whole lives together, and must necessarily +be very often alone with each other, could find little pleasure +in mutual contradiction; and yet what is more common than a +contradictory couple?</p> +<p>The contradictory couple agree in nothing but +contradiction. They return home from Mrs. +Bluebottle’s dinner-party, each in an opposite corner of +the coach, and do not exchange a syllable until they have been +seated for at least twenty minutes by the fireside at home, when +the gentleman, raising his eyes from the stove, all at once +breaks silence:</p> +<p>‘What a very extraordinary thing it is,’ says he, +‘that you <i>will</i> contradict, Charlotte!’ +‘<i>I</i> contradict!’ cries the lady, ‘but +that’s just like you.’ ‘What’s like +me?’ says the gentleman sharply. ‘Saying that I +contradict you,’ replies the lady. ‘Do you mean +to say that you do <i>not</i> contradict me?’ retorts the +gentleman; ‘do you mean to say that you have not been +contradicting me the whole of this day?’ ‘Do +you mean to tell me now, that you have not? I mean to tell +you nothing of the kind,’ replies the lady quietly; +‘when you are wrong, of course I shall contradict +you.’</p> +<p>During this dialogue the gentleman has been taking his +brandy-and-water on one side of the fire, and the lady, with her +dressing-case on the table, has been curling her hair on the +other. She now lets down her back hair, and proceeds to +brush it; preserving at the same time an air of conscious +rectitude and suffering virtue, which is intended to exasperate +the gentleman—and does so.</p> +<p>‘I do believe,’ he says, taking the spoon out of +his glass, and tossing it on the table, ‘that of all the +obstinate, positive, wrong-headed creatures that were ever born, +you are the most so, Charlotte.’ ‘Certainly, +certainly, have it your own way, pray. You see how much +<i>I</i> contradict you,’ rejoins the lady. ‘Of +course, you didn’t contradict me at dinner-time—oh +no, not you!’ says the gentleman. ‘Yes, I +did,’ says the lady. ‘Oh, you did,’ cries +the gentleman ‘you admit that?’ ‘If you +call that contradiction, I do,’ the lady answers; +‘and I say again, Edward, that when I know you are wrong, I +will contradict you. I am not your slave.’ +‘Not my slave!’ repeats the gentleman bitterly; +‘and you still mean to say that in the Blackburns’ +new house there are not more than fourteen doors, including the +door of the wine-cellar!’ ‘I mean to +say,’ retorts the lady, beating time with her hair-brush on +the palm of her hand, ‘that in that house there are +fourteen doors and no more.’ ‘Well +then—’ cries the gentleman, rising in despair, and +pacing the room with rapid strides. ‘By G-, this is +enough to destroy a man’s intellect, and drive him +mad!’</p> +<p>By and by the gentleman comes-to a little, and passing his +hand gloomily across his forehead, reseats himself in his former +chair. There is a long silence, and this time the lady +begins. ‘I appealed to Mr. Jenkins, who sat next to +me on the sofa in the drawing-room during tea—’ +‘Morgan, you mean,’ interrupts the gentleman. +‘I do not mean anything of the kind,’ answers the +lady. ‘Now, by all that is aggravating and impossible +to bear,’ cries the gentleman, clenching his hands and +looking upwards in agony, ‘she is going to insist upon it +that Morgan is Jenkins!’ ‘Do you take me for a +perfect fool?’ exclaims the lady; ‘do you suppose I +don’t know the one from the other? Do you suppose I +don’t know that the man in the blue coat was Mr. +Jenkins?’ ‘Jenkins in a blue coat!’ cries +the gentleman with a groan; ‘Jenkins in a blue coat! a man +who would suffer death rather than wear anything but +brown!’ ‘Do you dare to charge me with telling +an untruth?’ demands the lady, bursting into tears. +‘I charge you, ma’am,’ retorts the gentleman, +starting up, ‘with being a monster of contradiction, a +monster of aggravation, a—a—a—Jenkins in a blue +coat!—what have I done that I should be doomed to hear such +statements!’</p> +<p>Expressing himself with great scorn and anguish, the gentleman +takes up his candle and stalks off to bed, where feigning to be +fast asleep when the lady comes up-stairs drowned in tears, +murmuring lamentations over her hard fate and indistinct +intentions of consulting her brothers, he undergoes the secret +torture of hearing her exclaim between whiles, ‘I know +there are only fourteen doors in the house, I know it was Mr. +Jenkins, I know he had a blue coat on, and I would say it as +positively as I do now, if they were the last words I had to +speak!’</p> +<p>If the contradictory couple are blessed with children, they +are not the less contradictory on that account. Master +James and Miss Charlotte present themselves after dinner, and +being in perfect good humour, and finding their parents in the +same amiable state, augur from these appearances half a glass of +wine a-piece and other extraordinary indulgences. But +unfortunately Master James, growing talkative upon such +prospects, asks his mamma how tall Mrs. Parsons is, and whether +she is not six feet high; to which his mamma replies, ‘Yes, +she should think she was, for Mrs. Parsons is a very tall lady +indeed; quite a giantess.’ ‘For Heaven’s +sake, Charlotte,’ cries her husband, ‘do not tell the +child such preposterous nonsense. Six feet +high!’ ‘Well,’ replies the lady, +‘surely I may be permitted to have an opinion; my opinion +is, that she is six feet high—at least six +feet.’ ‘Now you know, Charlotte,’ retorts +the gentleman sternly, ‘that that is <i>not</i> your +opinion—that you have no such idea—and that you only +say this for the sake of contradiction.’ ‘You +are exceedingly polite,’ his wife replies; ‘to be +wrong about such a paltry question as anybody’s height, +would be no great crime; but I say again, that I believe Mrs. +Parsons to be six feet—more than six feet; nay, I believe +you know her to be full six feet, and only say she is not, +because I say she is.’ This taunt disposes the +gentleman to become violent, but he cheeks himself, and is +content to mutter, in a haughty tone, ‘Six feet—ha! +ha! Mrs. Parsons six feet!’ and the lady answers, +‘Yes, six feet. I am sure I am glad you are amused, +and I’ll say it again—six feet.’ Thus the +subject gradually drops off, and the contradiction begins to be +forgotten, when Master James, with some undefined notion of +making himself agreeable, and putting things to rights again, +unfortunately asks his mamma what the moon’s made of; which +gives her occasion to say that he had better not ask her, for she +is always wrong and never can be right; that he only exposes her +to contradiction by asking any question of her; and that he had +better ask his papa, who is infallible, and never can be +wrong. Papa, smarting under this attack, gives a terrible +pull at the bell, and says, that if the conversation is to +proceed in this way, the children had better be removed. +Removed they are, after a few tears and many struggles; and Pa +having looked at Ma sideways for a minute or two, with a baleful +eye, draws his pocket-handkerchief over his face, and composes +himself for his after-dinner nap.</p> +<p>The friends of the contradictory couple often deplore their +frequent disputes, though they rather make light of them at the +same time: observing, that there is no doubt they are very much +attached to each other, and that they never quarrel except about +trifles. But neither the friends of the contradictory +couple, nor the contradictory couple themselves, reflect, that as +the most stupendous objects in nature are but vast collections of +minute particles, so the slightest and least considered trifles +make up the sum of human happiness or misery.</p> +<h2><a name="page466"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 466</span>THE +COUPLE WHO DOTE UPON THEIR CHILDREN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> couple who dote upon their +children have usually a great many of them: six or eight at +least. The children are either the healthiest in all the +world, or the most unfortunate in existence. In either +case, they are equally the theme of their doting parents, and +equally a source of mental anguish and irritation to their doting +parents’ friends.</p> +<p>The couple who dote upon their children recognise no dates but +those connected with their births, accidents, illnesses, or +remarkable deeds. They keep a mental almanack with a vast +number of Innocents’-days, all in red letters. They +recollect the last coronation, because on that day little Tom +fell down the kitchen stairs; the anniversary of the Gunpowder +Plot, because it was on the fifth of November that Ned asked +whether wooden legs were made in heaven and cocked hats grew in +gardens. Mrs. Whiffler will never cease to recollect the +last day of the old year as long as she lives, for it was on that +day that the baby had the four red spots on its nose which they +took for measles: nor Christmas-day, for twenty-one days after +Christmas-day the twins were born; nor Good Friday, for it was on +a Good Friday that she was frightened by the donkey-cart when she +was in the family way with Georgiana. The movable feasts +have no motion for Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler, but remain pinned down +tight and fast to the shoulders of some small child, from whom +they can never be separated any more. Time was made, +according to their creed, not for slaves but for girls and boys; +the restless sands in his glass are but little children at +play.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p466b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"The Couple who Dote upon their Children" +title= +"The Couple who Dote upon their Children" + src="images/p466s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>As we have already intimated, the children of this couple can +know no medium. They are either prodigies of good health or +prodigies of bad health; whatever they are, they must be +prodigies. Mr. Whiffler must have to describe at his office +such excruciating agonies constantly undergone by his eldest boy, +as nobody else’s eldest boy ever underwent; or he must be +able to declare that there never was a child endowed with such +amazing health, such an indomitable constitution, and such a +cast-iron frame, as his child. His children must be, in +some respect or other, above and beyond the children of all other +people. To such an extent is this feeling pushed, that we +were once slightly acquainted with a lady and gentleman who +carried their heads so high and became so proud after their +youngest child fell out of a two-pair-of-stairs window without +hurting himself much, that the greater part of their friends were +obliged to forego their acquaintance. But perhaps this may +be an extreme case, and one not justly entitled to be considered +as a precedent of general application.</p> +<p>If a friend happen to dine in a friendly way with one of these +couples who dote upon their children, it is nearly impossible for +him to divert the conversation from their favourite topic. +Everything reminds Mr. Whiffler of Ned, or Mrs. Whiffler of Mary +Anne, or of the time before Ned was born, or the time before Mary +Anne was thought of. The slightest remark, however harmless +in itself, will awaken slumbering recollections of the +twins. It is impossible to steer clear of them. They +will come uppermost, let the poor man do what he may. Ned +has been known to be lost sight of for half an hour, Dick has +been forgotten, the name of Mary Anne has not been mentioned, but +the twins will out. Nothing can keep down the twins.</p> +<p>‘It’s a very extraordinary thing, Saunders,’ +says Mr. Whiffler to the visitor, ‘but—you have seen +our little babies, the—the—twins?’ The +friend’s heart sinks within him as he answers, ‘Oh, +yes—often.’ ‘Your talking of the +Pyramids,’ says Mr. Whiffler, quite as a matter of course, +‘reminds me of the twins. It’s a very +extraordinary thing about those babies—what colour should +you say their eyes were?’ ‘Upon my word,’ +the friend stammers, ‘I hardly know how to +answer’—the fact being, that except as the friend +does not remember to have heard of any departure from the +ordinary course of nature in the instance of these twins, they +might have no eyes at all for aught he has observed to the +contrary. ‘You wouldn’t say they were red, I +suppose?’ says Mr. Whiffler. The friend hesitates, +and rather thinks they are; but inferring from the expression of +Mr. Whiffler’s face that red is not the colour, smiles with +some confidence, and says, ‘No, no! very different from +that.’ ‘What should you say to blue?’ +says Mr. Whiffler. The friend glances at him, and observing +a different expression in his face, ventures to say, ‘I +should say they <i>were</i> blue—a decided +blue.’ ‘To be sure!’ cries Mr. Whiffler, +triumphantly, ‘I knew you would! But what should you +say if I was to tell you that the boy’s eyes are blue and +the girl’s hazel, eh?’ +‘Impossible!’ exclaims the friend, not at all knowing +why it should be impossible. ‘A fact, +notwithstanding,’ cries Mr. Whiffler; ‘and let me +tell you, Saunders, <i>that’s</i> not a common thing in +twins, or a circumstance that’ll happen every +day.’</p> +<p>In this dialogue Mrs. Whiffler, as being deeply responsible +for the twins, their charms and singularities, has taken no +share; but she now relates, in broken English, a witticism of +little Dick’s bearing upon the subject just discussed, +which delights Mr. Whiffler beyond measure, and causes him to +declare that he would have sworn that was Dick’s if he had +heard it anywhere. Then he requests that Mrs. Whiffler will +tell Saunders what Tom said about mad bulls; and Mrs. Whiffler +relating the anecdote, a discussion ensues upon the different +character of Tom’s wit and Dick’s wit, from which it +appears that Dick’s humour is of a lively turn, while +Tom’s style is the dry and caustic. This discussion +being enlivened by various illustrations, lasts a long time, and +is only stopped by Mrs. Whiffler instructing the footman to ring +the nursery bell, as the children were promised that they should +come down and taste the pudding.</p> +<p>The friend turns pale when this order is given, and paler +still when it is followed up by a great pattering on the +staircase, (not unlike the sound of rain upon a skylight,) a +violent bursting open of the dining-room door, and the tumultuous +appearance of six small children, closely succeeded by a strong +nursery-maid with a twin in each arm. As the whole eight +are screaming, shouting, or kicking—some influenced by a +ravenous appetite, some by a horror of the stranger, and some by +a conflict of the two feelings—a pretty long space elapses +before all their heads can be ranged round the table and anything +like order restored; in bringing about which happy state of +things both the nurse and footman are severely scratched. +At length Mrs. Whiffler is heard to say, ‘Mr. Saunders, +shall I give you some pudding?’ A breathless silence +ensues, and sixteen small eyes are fixed upon the guest in +expectation of his reply. A wild shout of joy proclaims +that he has said ‘No, thank you.’ Spoons are +waved in the air, legs appear above the table-cloth in +uncontrollable ecstasy, and eighty short fingers dabble in damson +syrup.</p> +<p>While the pudding is being disposed of, Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler +look on with beaming countenances, and Mr. Whiffler nudging his +friend Saunders, begs him to take notice of Tom’s eyes, or +Dick’s chin, or Ned’s nose, or Mary Anne’s +hair, or Emily’s figure, or little Bob’s calves, or +Fanny’s mouth, or Carry’s head, as the case may +be. Whatever the attention of Mr. Saunders is called to, +Mr. Saunders admires of course; though he is rather confused +about the sex of the youngest branches and looks at the wrong +children, turning to a girl when Mr. Whiffler directs his +attention to a boy, and falling into raptures with a boy when he +ought to be enchanted with a girl. Then the dessert comes, +and there is a vast deal of scrambling after fruit, and sudden +spirting forth of juice out of tight oranges into infant eyes, +and much screeching and wailing in consequence. At length +it becomes time for Mrs. Whiffler to retire, and all the children +are by force of arms compelled to kiss and love Mr. Saunders +before going up-stairs, except Tom, who, lying on his back in the +hall, proclaims that Mr. Saunders ‘is a naughty +beast;’ and Dick, who having drunk his father’s wine +when he was looking another way, is found to be intoxicated and +is carried out, very limp and helpless.</p> +<p>Mr. Whiffler and his friend are left alone together, but Mr. +Whiffler’s thoughts are still with his family, if his +family are not with him. ‘Saunders,’ says he, +after a short silence, ‘if you please, we’ll drink +Mrs. Whiffler and the children.’ Mr. Saunders feels +this to be a reproach against himself for not proposing the same +sentiment, and drinks it in some confusion. +‘Ah!’ Mr. Whiffler sighs, ‘these children, +Saunders, make one quite an old man.’ Mr. Saunders +thinks that if they were his, they would make him a very old man; +but he says nothing. ‘And yet,’ pursues Mr. +Whiffler, ‘what can equal domestic happiness? what can +equal the engaging ways of children! Saunders, why +don’t you get married?’ Now, this is an +embarrassing question, because Mr. Saunders has been thinking +that if he had at any time entertained matrimonial designs, the +revelation of that day would surely have routed them for +ever. ‘I am glad, however,’ says Mr. Whiffler, +‘that you <i>are</i> a bachelor,—glad on one account, +Saunders; a selfish one, I admit. Will you do Mrs. Whiffler +and myself a favour?’ Mr. Saunders is +surprised—evidently surprised; but he replies, ‘with +the greatest pleasure.’ ‘Then, will you, +Saunders,’ says Mr. Whiffler, in an impressive manner, +‘will you cement and consolidate our friendship by coming +into the family (so to speak) as a godfather?’ +‘I shall be proud and delighted,’ replies Mr. +Saunders: ‘which of the children is it? really, I thought +they were all christened; or—’ +‘Saunders,’ Mr. Whiffler interposes, ‘they +<i>are</i> all christened; you are right. The fact is, that +Mrs. Whiffler is—in short, we expect another.’ +‘Not a ninth!’ cries the friend, all aghast at the +idea. ‘Yes, Saunders,’ rejoins Mr. Whiffler, +solemnly, ‘a ninth. Did we drink Mrs. +Whiffler’s health? Let us drink it again, Saunders, +and wish her well over it!’</p> +<p>Doctor Johnson used to tell a story of a man who had but one +idea, which was a wrong one. The couple who dote upon their +children are in the same predicament: at home or abroad, at all +times, and in all places, their thoughts are bound up in this one +subject, and have no sphere beyond. They relate the clever +things their offspring say or do, and weary every company with +their prolixity and absurdity. Mr. Whiffler takes a friend +by the button at a street corner on a windy day to tell him a +<i>bon mot</i> of his youngest boy’s; and Mrs. Whiffler, +calling to see a sick acquaintance, entertains her with a +cheerful account of all her own past sufferings and present +expectations. In such cases the sins of the fathers indeed +descend upon the children; for people soon come to regard them as +predestined little bores. The couple who dote upon their +children cannot be said to be actuated by a general love for +these engaging little people (which would be a great excuse); for +they are apt to underrate and entertain a jealousy of any +children but their own. If they examined their own hearts, +they would, perhaps, find at the bottom of all this, more +self-love and egotism than they think of. Self-love and +egotism are bad qualities, of which the unrestrained exhibition, +though it may be sometimes amusing, never fails to be wearisome +and unpleasant. Couples who dote upon their children, +therefore, are best avoided.</p> +<h2><a name="page471"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 471</span>THE +COOL COUPLE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is an old-fashioned +weather-glass representing a house with two doorways, in one of +which is the figure of a gentleman, in the other the figure of a +lady. When the weather is to be fine the lady comes out and +the gentleman goes in; when wet, the gentleman comes out and the +lady goes in. They never seek each other’s society, +are never elevated and depressed by the same cause, and have +nothing in common. They are the model of a cool couple, +except that there is something of politeness and consideration +about the behaviour of the gentleman in the weather-glass, in +which, neither of the cool couple can be said to participate.</p> +<p>The cool couple are seldom alone together, and when they are, +nothing can exceed their apathy and dulness: the gentleman being +for the most part drowsy, and the lady silent. If they +enter into conversation, it is usually of an ironical or +recriminatory nature. Thus, when the gentleman has indulged +in a very long yawn and settled himself more snugly in his +easy-chair, the lady will perhaps remark, ‘Well, I am sure, +Charles! I hope you’re comfortable.’ To +which the gentleman replies, ‘Oh yes, he’s quite +comfortable quite.’ ‘There are not many married +men, I hope,’ returns the lady, ‘who seek comfort in +such selfish gratifications as you do.’ ‘Nor +many wives who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications as +<i>you</i> do, I hope,’ retorts the gentleman. +‘Whose fault is that?’ demands the lady. The +gentleman becoming more sleepy, returns no answer. +‘Whose fault is that?’ the lady repeats. The +gentleman still returning no answer, she goes on to say that she +believes there never was in all this world anybody so attached to +her home, so thoroughly domestic, so unwilling to seek a +moment’s gratification or pleasure beyond her own fireside +as she. God knows that before she was married she never +thought or dreamt of such a thing; and she remembers that her +poor papa used to say again and again, almost every day of his +life, ‘Oh, my dear Louisa, if you only marry a man who +understands you, and takes the trouble to consider your happiness +and accommodate himself a very little to your disposition, what a +treasure he will find in you!’ She supposes her papa +knew what her disposition was—he had known her long +enough—he ought to have been acquainted with it, but what +can she do? If her home is always dull and lonely, and her +husband is always absent and finds no pleasure in her society, +she is naturally sometimes driven (seldom enough, she is sure) to +seek a little recreation elsewhere; she is not expected to pine +and mope to death, she hopes. ‘Then come, +Louisa,’ says the gentleman, waking up as suddenly as he +fell asleep, ‘stop at home this evening, and so will +I.’ ‘I should be sorry to suppose, Charles, +that you took a pleasure in aggravating me,’ replies the +lady; ‘but you know as well as I do that I am particularly +engaged to Mrs. Mortimer, and that it would be an act of the +grossest rudeness and ill-breeding, after accepting a seat in her +box and preventing her from inviting anybody else, not to +go.’ ‘Ah! there it is!’ says the +gentleman, shrugging his shoulders, ‘I knew that perfectly +well. I knew you couldn’t devote an evening to your +own home. Now all I have to say, Louisa, is +this—recollect that <i>I</i> was quite willing to stay at +home, and that it’s no fault of <i>mine</i> we are not +oftener together.’</p> +<p>With that the gentleman goes away to keep an old appointment +at his club, and the lady hurries off to dress for Mrs. +Mortimer’s; and neither thinks of the other until by some +odd chance they find themselves alone again.</p> +<p>But it must not be supposed that the cool couple are +habitually a quarrelsome one. Quite the contrary. +These differences are only occasions for a little +self-excuse,—nothing more. In general they are as +easy and careless, and dispute as seldom, as any common +acquaintances may; for it is neither worth their while to put +each other out of the way, nor to ruffle themselves.</p> +<p>When they meet in society, the cool couple are the best-bred +people in existence. The lady is seated in a corner among a +little knot of lady friends, one of whom exclaims, ‘Why, I +vow and declare there is your husband, my dear!’ +‘Whose?—mine?’ she says, carelessly. +‘Ay, yours, and coming this way too.’ +‘How very odd!’ says the lady, in a languid tone, +‘I thought he had been at Dover.’ The gentleman +coming up, and speaking to all the other ladies and nodding +slightly to his wife, it turns out that he has been at Dover, and +has just now returned. ‘What a strange creature you +are!’ cries his wife; ‘and what on earth brought you +here, I wonder?’ ‘I came to look after you, +<i>of course</i>,’ rejoins her husband. This is so +pleasant a jest that the lady is mightily amused, as are all the +other ladies similarly situated who are within hearing; and while +they are enjoying it to the full, the gentleman nods again, turns +upon his heel, and saunters away.</p> +<p>There are times, however, when his company is not so +agreeable, though equally unexpected; such as when the lady has +invited one or two particular friends to tea and scandal, and he +happens to come home in the very midst of their diversion. +It is a hundred chances to one that he remains in the house half +an hour, but the lady is rather disturbed by the intrusion, +notwithstanding, and reasons within herself,—‘I am +sure I never interfere with him, and why should he interfere with +me? It can scarcely be accidental; it never happens that I +have a particular reason for not wishing him to come home, but he +always comes. It’s very provoking and tiresome; and I +am sure when he leaves me so much alone for his own pleasure, the +least he could do would be to do as much for mine.’ +Observing what passes in her mind, the gentleman, who has come +home for his own accommodation, makes a merit of it with himself; +arrives at the conclusion that it is the very last place in which +he can hope to be comfortable; and determines, as he takes up his +hat and cane, never to be so virtuous again.</p> +<p>Thus a great many cool couples go on until they are cold +couples, and the grave has closed over their folly and +indifference. Loss of name, station, character, life +itself, has ensued from causes as slight as these, before now; +and when gossips tell such tales, and aggravate their +deformities, they elevate their hands and eyebrows, and call each +other to witness what a cool couple Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so always +were, even in the best of times.</p> +<h2><a name="page474"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 474</span>THE +PLAUSIBLE COUPLE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> plausible couple have many +titles. They are ‘a delightful couple,’ an +‘affectionate couple,’ ‘a most agreeable +couple, ‘a good-hearted couple,’ and ‘the +best-natured couple in existence.’ The truth is, that +the plausible couple are people of the world; and either the way +of pleasing the world has grown much easier than it was in the +days of the old man and his ass, or the old man was but a bad +hand at it, and knew very little of the trade.</p> +<p>‘But is it really possible to please the world!’ +says some doubting reader. It is indeed. Nay, it is +not only very possible, but very easy. The ways are +crooked, and sometimes foul and low. What then? A man +need but crawl upon his hands and knees, know when to close his +eyes and when his ears, when to stoop and when to stand upright; +and if by the world is meant that atom of it in which he moves +himself, he shall please it, never fear.</p> +<p>Now, it will be readily seen, that if a plausible man or woman +have an easy means of pleasing the world by an adaptation of self +to all its twistings and twinings, a plausible man <i>and</i> +woman, or, in other words, a plausible couple, playing into each +other’s hands, and acting in concert, have a manifest +advantage. Hence it is that plausible couples scarcely ever +fail of success on a pretty large scale; and hence it is that if +the reader, laying down this unwieldy volume at the next full +stop, will have the goodness to review his or her circle of +acquaintance, and to search particularly for some man and wife +with a large connexion and a good name, not easily referable to +their abilities or their wealth, he or she (that is, the male or +female reader) will certainly find that gentleman or lady, on a +very short reflection, to be a plausible couple.</p> +<p>The plausible couple are the most ecstatic people living: the +most sensitive people—to merit—on the face of the +earth. Nothing clever or virtuous escapes them. They +have microscopic eyes for such endowments, and can find them +anywhere. The plausible couple never fawn—oh +no! They don’t even scruple to tell their friends of +their faults. One is too generous, another too candid; a +third has a tendency to think all people like himself, and to +regard mankind as a company of angels; a fourth is kind-hearted +to a fault. ‘We never flatter, my dear Mrs. +Jackson,’ say the plausible couple; ‘we speak our +minds. Neither you nor Mr. Jackson have faults +enough. It may sound strangely, but it is true. You +have not faults enough. You know our way,—we must +speak out, and always do. Quarrel with us for saying so, if +you will; but we repeat it,—you have not faults +enough!’</p> +<p>The plausible couple are no less plausible to each other than +to third parties. They are always loving and +harmonious. The plausible gentleman calls his wife +‘darling,’ and the plausible lady addresses him as +‘dearest.’ If it be Mr. and Mrs. Bobtail +Widger, Mrs. Widger is ‘Lavinia, darling,’ and Mr. +Widger is ‘Bobtail, dearest.’ Speaking of each +other, they observe the same tender form. Mrs. Widger +relates what ‘Bobtail’ said, and Mr. Widger recounts +what ‘darling’ thought and did.</p> +<p>If you sit next to the plausible lady at a dinner-table, she +takes the earliest opportunity of expressing her belief that you +are acquainted with the Clickits; she is sure she has heard the +Clickits speak of you—she must not tell you in what terms, +or you will take her for a flatterer. You admit a knowledge +of the Clickits; the plausible lady immediately launches out in +their praise. She quite loves the Clickits. Were +there ever such true-hearted, hospitable, excellent +people—such a gentle, interesting little woman as Mrs. +Clickit, or such a frank, unaffected creature as Mr. Clickit? +were there ever two people, in short, so little spoiled by the +world as they are? ‘As who, darling?’ cries Mr. +Widger, from the opposite side of the table. ‘The +Clickits, dearest,’ replies Mrs. Widger. +‘Indeed you are right, darling,’ Mr. Widger rejoins; +‘the Clickits are a very high-minded, worthy, estimable +couple.’ Mrs. Widger remarking that Bobtail always +grows quite eloquent upon this subject, Mr. Widger admits that he +feels very strongly whenever such people as the Clickits and some +other friends of his (here he glances at the host and hostess) +are mentioned; for they are an honour to human nature, and do one +good to think of. ‘<i>You</i> know the Clickits, Mrs. +Jackson?’ he says, addressing the lady of the house. +‘No, indeed; we have not that pleasure,’ she +replies. ‘You astonish me!’ exclaims Mr. +Widger: ‘not know the Clickits! why, you are the very +people of all others who ought to be their bosom friends. +You are kindred beings; you are one and the same thing:—not +know the Clickits! Now <i>will</i> you know the +Clickits? Will you make a point of knowing them? Will +you meet them in a friendly way at our house one evening, and be +acquainted with them?’ Mrs. Jackson will be quite +delighted; nothing would give her more pleasure. +‘Then, Lavinia, my darling,’ says Mr. Widger, +‘mind you don’t lose sight of that; now, pray take +care that Mr. and Mrs. Jackson know the Clickits without loss of +time. Such people ought not to be strangers to each +other.’ Mrs. Widger books both families as the centre +of attraction for her next party; and Mr. Widger, going on to +expatiate upon the virtues of the Clickits, adds to their other +moral qualities, that they keep one of the neatest phaetons in +town, and have two thousand a year.</p> +<p>As the plausible couple never laud the merits of any absent +person, without dexterously contriving that their praises shall +reflect upon somebody who is present, so they never depreciate +anything or anybody, without turning their depreciation to the +same account. Their friend, Mr. Slummery, say they, is +unquestionably a clever painter, and would no doubt be very +popular, and sell his pictures at a very high price, if that +cruel Mr. Fithers had not forestalled him in his department of +art, and made it thoroughly and completely his +own;—Fithers, it is to be observed, being present and +within hearing, and Slummery elsewhere. Is Mrs. Tabblewick +really as beautiful as people say? Why, there indeed you +ask them a very puzzling question, because there is no doubt that +she is a very charming woman, and they have long known her +intimately. She is no doubt beautiful, very beautiful; they +once thought her the most beautiful woman ever seen; still if you +press them for an honest answer, they are bound to say that this +was before they had ever seen our lovely friend on the sofa, (the +sofa is hard by, and our lovely friend can’t help hearing +the whispers in which this is said;) since that time, perhaps, +they have been hardly fair judges; Mrs. Tabblewick is no doubt +extremely handsome,—very like our friend, in fact, in the +form of the features,—but in point of expression, and soul, +and figure, and air altogether—oh dear!</p> +<p>But while the plausible couple depreciate, they are still +careful to preserve their character for amiability and kind +feeling; indeed the depreciation itself is often made to grow out +of their excessive sympathy and good will. The plausible +lady calls on a lady who dotes upon her children, and is sitting +with a little girl upon her knee, enraptured by her artless +replies, and protesting that there is nothing she delights in so +much as conversing with these fairies; when the other lady +inquires if she has seen young Mrs. Finching lately, and whether +the baby has turned out a finer one than it promised to be. +‘Oh dear!’ cries the plausible lady, ‘you +cannot think how often Bobtail and I have talked about poor Mrs. +Finching—she is such a dear soul, and was so anxious that +the baby should be a fine child—and very naturally, because +she was very much here at one time, and there is, you know, a +natural emulation among mothers—that it is impossible to +tell you how much we have felt for her.’ ‘Is it +weak or plain, or what?’ inquires the other. +‘Weak or plain, my love,’ returns the plausible lady, +‘it’s a fright—a perfect little fright; you +never saw such a miserable creature in all your days. +Positively you must not let her see one of these beautiful dears +again, or you’ll break her heart, you will +indeed.—Heaven bless this child, see how she is looking in +my face! can you conceive anything prettier than that? If +poor Mrs. Finching could only hope—but that’s +impossible—and the gifts of Providence, you know—What +<i>did</i> I do with my pocket-handkerchief!’</p> +<p>What prompts the mother, who dotes upon her children, to +comment to her lord that evening on the plausible lady’s +engaging qualities and feeling heart, and what is it that +procures Mr. and Mrs. Bobtail Widger an immediate invitation to +dinner?</p> +<h2><a name="page478"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 478</span>THE +NICE LITTLE COUPLE</h2> +<p>A <span class="smcap">custom</span> once prevailed in +old-fashioned circles, that when a lady or gentleman was unable +to sing a song, he or she should enliven the company with a +story. As we find ourself in the predicament of not being +able to describe (to our own satisfaction) nice little couples in +the abstract, we purpose telling in this place a little story +about a nice little couple of our acquaintance.</p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup are the nice little couple in +question. Mr. Chirrup has the smartness, and something of +the brisk, quick manner of a small bird. Mrs. Chirrup is +the prettiest of all little women, and has the prettiest little +figure conceivable. She has the neatest little foot, and +the softest little voice, and the pleasantest little smile, and +the tidiest little curls, and the brightest little eyes, and the +quietest little manner, and is, in short, altogether one of the +most engaging of all little women, dead or alive. She is a +condensation of all the domestic virtues,—a pocket edition +of the young man’s best companion,—a little woman at +a very high pressure, with an amazing quantity of goodness and +usefulness in an exceedingly small space. Little as she is, +Mrs. Chirrup might furnish forth matter for the moral equipment +of a score of housewives, six feet high in their +stockings—if, in the presence of ladies, we may be allowed +the expression—and of corresponding robustness.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p478b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"The Nice Little Couple" +title= +"The Nice Little Couple" + src="images/p478s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>Nobody knows all this better than Mr. Chirrup, though he +rather takes on that he don’t. Accordingly he is very +proud of his better-half, and evidently considers himself, as all +other people consider him, rather fortunate in having her to +wife. We say evidently, because Mr. Chirrup is a +warm-hearted little fellow; and if you catch his eye when he has +been slyly glancing at Mrs. Chirrup in company, there is a +certain complacent twinkle in it, accompanied, perhaps, by a +half-expressed toss of the head, which as clearly indicates what +has been passing in his mind as if he had put it into words, and +shouted it out through a speaking-trumpet. Moreover, Mr. +Chirrup has a particularly mild and bird-like manner of calling +Mrs. Chirrup ‘my dear;’ and—for he is of a +jocose turn—of cutting little witticisms upon her, and +making her the subject of various harmless pleasantries, which +nobody enjoys more thoroughly than Mrs. Chirrup herself. +Mr. Chirrup, too, now and then affects to deplore his +bachelor-days, and to bemoan (with a marvellously contented and +smirking face) the loss of his freedom, and the sorrow of his +heart at having been taken captive by Mrs. Chirrup—all of +which circumstances combine to show the secret triumph and +satisfaction of Mr. Chirrup’s soul.</p> +<p>We have already had occasion to observe that Mrs. Chirrup is +an incomparable housewife. In all the arts of domestic +arrangement and management, in all the mysteries of +confectionery-making, pickling, and preserving, never was such a +thorough adept as that nice little body. She is, besides, a +cunning worker in muslin and fine linen, and a special hand at +marketing to the very best advantage. But if there be one +branch of housekeeping in which she excels to an utterly +unparalleled and unprecedented extent, it is in the important one +of carving. A roast goose is universally allowed to be the +great stumbling-block in the way of young aspirants to perfection +in this department of science; many promising carvers, beginning +with legs of mutton, and preserving a good reputation through +fillets of veal, sirloins of beef, quarters of lamb, fowls, and +even ducks, have sunk before a roast goose, and lost caste and +character for ever. To Mrs. Chirrup the resolving a goose +into its smallest component parts is a pleasant pastime—a +practical joke—a thing to be done in a minute or so, +without the smallest interruption to the conversation of the +time. No handing the dish over to an unfortunate man upon +her right or left, no wild sharpening of the knife, no hacking +and sawing at an unruly joint, no noise, no splash, no heat, no +leaving off in despair; all is confidence and cheerfulness. +The dish is set upon the table, the cover is removed; for an +instant, and only an instant, you observe that Mrs. +Chirrup’s attention is distracted; she smiles, but heareth +not. You proceed with your story; meanwhile the glittering +knife is slowly upraised, both Mrs. Chirrup’s wrists are +slightly but not ungracefully agitated, she compresses her lips +for an instant, then breaks into a smile, and all is over. +The legs of the bird slide gently down into a pool of gravy, the +wings seem to melt from the body, the breast separates into a row +of juicy slices, the smaller and more complicated parts of his +anatomy are perfectly developed, a cavern of stuffing is +revealed, and the goose is gone!</p> +<p>To dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup is one of the pleasantest +things in the world. Mr. Chirrup has a bachelor friend, who +lived with him in his own days of single blessedness, and to whom +he is mightily attached. Contrary to the usual custom, this +bachelor friend is no less a friend of Mrs. Chirrup’s, and, +consequently, whenever you dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup, you +meet the bachelor friend. It would put any +reasonably-conditioned mortal into good-humour to observe the +entire unanimity which subsists between these three; but there is +a quiet welcome dimpling in Mrs. Chirrup’s face, a bustling +hospitality oozing as it were out of the waistcoat-pockets of Mr. +Chirrup, and a patronising enjoyment of their cordiality and +satisfaction on the part of the bachelor friend, which is quite +delightful. On these occasions Mr. Chirrup usually takes an +opportunity of rallying the friend on being single, and the +friend retorts on Mr. Chirrup for being married, at which moments +some single young ladies present are like to die of laughter; and +we have more than once observed them bestow looks upon the +friend, which convinces us that his position is by no means a +safe one, as, indeed, we hold no bachelor’s to be who +visits married friends and cracks jokes on wedlock, for certain +it is that such men walk among traps and nets and pitfalls +innumerable, and often find themselves down upon their knees at +the altar rails, taking M. or N. for their wedded wives, before +they know anything about the matter.</p> +<p>However, this is no business of Mr. Chirrup’s, who +talks, and laughs, and drinks his wine, and laughs again, and +talks more, until it is time to repair to the drawing-room, +where, coffee served and over, Mrs. Chirrup prepares for a round +game, by sorting the nicest possible little fish into the nicest +possible little pools, and calling Mr. Chirrup to assist her, +which Mr. Chirrup does. As they stand side by side, you +find that Mr. Chirrup is the least possible shadow of a shade +taller than Mrs. Chirrup, and that they are the neatest and +best-matched little couple that can be, which the chances are ten +to one against your observing with such effect at any other time, +unless you see them in the street arm-in-arm, or meet them some +rainy day trotting along under a very small umbrella. The +round game (at which Mr. Chirrup is the merriest of the party) +being done and over, in course of time a nice little tray +appears, on which is a nice little supper; and when that is +finished likewise, and you have said ‘Good night,’ +you find yourself repeating a dozen times, as you ride home, that +there never was such a nice little couple as Mr. and Mrs. +Chirrup.</p> +<p>Whether it is that pleasant qualities, being packed more +closely in small bodies than in large, come more readily to hand +than when they are diffused over a wider space, and have to be +gathered together for use, we don’t know, but as a general +rule,—strengthened like all other rules by its +exceptions,—we hold that little people are sprightly and +good-natured. The more sprightly and good-natured people we +have, the better; therefore, let us wish well to all nice little +couples, and hope that they may increase and multiply.</p> +<h2><a name="page481"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 481</span>THE +EGOTISTICAL COUPLE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Egotism</span> in couples is of two +kinds.—It is our purpose to show this by two examples.</p> +<p>The egotistical couple may be young, old, middle-aged, well to +do, or ill to do; they may have a small family, a large family, +or no family at all. There is no outward sign by which an +egotistical couple may be known and avoided. They come upon +you unawares; there is no guarding against them. No man can +of himself be forewarned or forearmed against an egotistical +couple.</p> +<p>The egotistical couple have undergone every calamity, and +experienced every pleasurable and painful sensation of which our +nature is susceptible. You cannot by possibility tell the +egotistical couple anything they don’t know, or describe to +them anything they have not felt. They have been everything +but dead. Sometimes we are tempted to wish they had been +even that, but only in our uncharitable moments, which are few +and far between.</p> +<p>We happened the other day, in the course of a morning call, to +encounter an egotistical couple, nor were we suffered to remain +long in ignorance of the fact, for our very first inquiry of the +lady of the house brought them into active and vigorous +operation. The inquiry was of course touching the +lady’s health, and the answer happened to be, that she had +not been very well. ‘Oh, my dear!’ said the +egotistical lady, ‘don’t talk of not being +well. We have been in <i>such</i> a state since we saw you +last!’—The lady of the house happening to remark that +her lord had not been well either, the egotistical gentleman +struck in: ‘Never let Briggs complain of not being +well—never let Briggs complain, my dear Mrs. Briggs, after +what I have undergone within these six weeks. He +doesn’t know what it is to be ill, he hasn’t the +least idea of it; not the faintest +conception.’—‘My dear,’ interposed his +wife smiling, ‘you talk as if it were almost a crime in Mr. +Briggs not to have been as ill as we have been, instead of +feeling thankful to Providence that both he and our dear Mrs. +Briggs are in such blissful ignorance of real +suffering.’—‘My love,’ returned the +egotistical gentleman, in a low and pious voice, ‘you +mistake me;—I feel grateful—very grateful. I +trust our friends may never purchase their experience as dearly +as we have bought ours; I hope they never may!’</p> +<p>Having put down Mrs. Briggs upon this theme, and settled the +question thus, the egotistical gentleman turned to us, and, after +a few preliminary remarks, all tending towards and leading up to +the point he had in his mind, inquired if we happened to be +acquainted with the Dowager Lady Snorflerer. On our +replying in the negative, he presumed we had often met Lord +Slang, or beyond all doubt, that we were on intimate terms with +Sir Chipkins Glogwog. Finding that we were equally unable +to lay claim to either of these distinctions, he expressed great +astonishment, and turning to his wife with a retrospective smile, +inquired who it was that had told that capital story about the +mashed potatoes. ‘Who, my dear?’ returned the +egotistical lady, ‘why Sir Chipkins, of course; how can you +ask! Don’t you remember his applying it to our cook, +and saying that you and I were so like the Prince and Princess, +that he could almost have sworn we were they?’ +‘To be sure, I remember that,’ said the egotistical +gentleman, ‘but are you quite certain that didn’t +apply to the other anecdote about the Emperor of Austria and the +pump?’ ‘Upon my word then, I think it +did,’ replied his wife. ‘To be sure it +did,’ said the egotistical gentleman, ‘it was +Slang’s story, I remember now, perfectly.’ +However, it turned out, a few seconds afterwards, that the +egotistical gentleman’s memory was rather treacherous, as +he began to have a misgiving that the story had been told by the +Dowager Lady Snorflerer the very last time they dined there; but +there appearing, on further consideration, strong circumstantial +evidence tending to show that this couldn’t be, inasmuch as +the Dowager Lady Snorflerer had been, on the occasion in +question, wholly engrossed by the egotistical lady, the +egotistical gentleman recanted this opinion; and after laying the +story at the doors of a great many great people, happily left it +at last with the Duke of Scuttlewig:—observing that it was +not extraordinary he had forgotten his Grace hitherto, as it +often happened that the names of those with whom we were upon the +most familiar footing were the very last to present themselves to +our thoughts.</p> +<p>It not only appeared that the egotistical couple knew +everybody, but that scarcely any event of importance or notoriety +had occurred for many years with which they had not been in some +way or other connected. Thus we learned that when the +well-known attempt upon the life of George the Third was made by +Hatfield in Drury Lane theatre, the egotistical gentleman’s +grandfather sat upon his right hand and was the first man who +collared him; and that the egotistical lady’s aunt, sitting +within a few boxes of the royal party, was the only person in the +audience who heard his Majesty exclaim, ‘Charlotte, +Charlotte, don’t be frightened, don’t be frightened; +they’re letting off squibs, they’re letting off +squibs.’ When the fire broke out, which ended in the +destruction of the two Houses of Parliament, the egotistical +couple, being at the time at a drawing-room window on Blackheath, +then and there simultaneously exclaimed, to the astonishment of a +whole party—‘It’s the House of +Lords!’ Nor was this a solitary instance of their +peculiar discernment, for chancing to be (as by a comparison of +dates and circumstances they afterwards found) in the same +omnibus with Mr. Greenacre, when he carried his victim’s +head about town in a blue bag, they both remarked a singular +twitching in the muscles of his countenance; and walking down +Fish Street Hill, a few weeks since, the egotistical gentleman +said to his lady—slightly casting up his eyes to the top of +the Monument—‘There’s a boy up there, my dear, +reading a Bible. It’s very strange. I +don’t like it.—In five seconds afterwards, +Sir,’ says the egotistical gentleman, bringing his hands +together with one violent clap—‘the lad was +over!’</p> +<p>Diversifying these topics by the introduction of many others +of the same kind, and entertaining us between whiles with a +minute account of what weather and diet agreed with them, and +what weather and diet disagreed with them, and at what time they +usually got up, and at what time went to bed, with many other +particulars of their domestic economy too numerous to mention; +the egotistical couple at length took their leave, and afforded +us an opportunity of doing the same.</p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone are an egotistical couple of another +class, for all the lady’s egotism is about her husband, and +all the gentleman’s about his wife. For +example:—Mr. Sliverstone is a clerical gentleman, and +occasionally writes sermons, as clerical gentlemen do. If +you happen to obtain admission at the street-door while he is so +engaged, Mrs. Sliverstone appears on tip-toe, and speaking in a +solemn whisper, as if there were at least three or four +particular friends up-stairs, all upon the point of death, +implores you to be very silent, for Mr. Sliverstone is composing, +and she need not say how very important it is that he should not +be disturbed. Unwilling to interrupt anything so serious, +you hasten to withdraw, with many apologies; but this Mrs. +Sliverstone will by no means allow, observing, that she knows you +would like to see him, as it is very natural you should, and that +she is determined to make a trial for you, as you are a great +favourite. So you are led up-stairs—still on +tip-toe—to the door of a little back room, in which, as the +lady informs you in a whisper, Mr. Sliverstone always +writes. No answer being returned to a couple of soft taps, +the lady opens the door, and there, sure enough, is Mr. +Sliverstone, with dishevelled hair, powdering away with pen, ink, +and paper, at a rate which, if he has any power of sustaining it, +would settle the longest sermon in no time. At first he is +too much absorbed to be roused by this intrusion; but presently +looking up, says faintly, ‘Ah!’ and pointing to his +desk with a weary and languid smile, extends his hand, and hopes +you’ll forgive him. Then Mrs. Sliverstone sits down +beside him, and taking his hand in hers, tells you how that Mr. +Sliverstone has been shut up there ever since nine o’clock +in the morning, (it is by this time twelve at noon,) and how she +knows it cannot be good for his health, and is very uneasy about +it. Unto this Mr. Sliverstone replies firmly, that +‘It must be done;’ which agonizes Mrs. Sliverstone +still more, and she goes on to tell you that such were Mr. +Sliverstone’s labours last week—what with the +buryings, marryings, churchings, christenings, and all +together,—that when he was going up the pulpit stairs on +Sunday evening, he was obliged to hold on by the rails, or he +would certainly have fallen over into his own pew. Mr. +Sliverstone, who has been listening and smiling meekly, says, +‘Not quite so bad as that, not quite so bad!’ he +admits though, on cross-examination, that he <i>was</i> very near +falling upon the verger who was following him up to bolt the +door; but adds, that it was his duty as a Christian to fall upon +him, if need were, and that he, Mr. Sliverstone, and (possibly +the verger too) ought to glory in it.</p> +<p>This sentiment communicates new impulse to Mrs. Sliverstone, +who launches into new praises of Mr. Sliverstone’s worth +and excellence, to which he listens in the same meek silence, +save when he puts in a word of self-denial relative to some +question of fact, as—‘Not seventy-two christenings +that week, my dear. Only seventy-one, only +seventy-one.’ At length his lady has quite concluded, +and then he says, Why should he repine, why should he give way, +why should he suffer his heart to sink within him? Is it he +alone who toils and suffers? What has she gone through, he +should like to know? What does she go through every day for +him and for society?</p> +<p>With such an exordium Mr. Sliverstone launches out into +glowing praises of the conduct of Mrs. Sliverstone in the +production of eight young children, and the subsequent rearing +and fostering of the same; and thus the husband magnifies the +wife, and the wife the husband.</p> +<p>This would be well enough if Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone kept it +to themselves, or even to themselves and a friend or two; but +they do not. The more hearers they have, the more +egotistical the couple become, and the more anxious they are to +make believers in their merits. Perhaps this is the worst +kind of egotism. It has not even the poor excuse of being +spontaneous, but is the result of a deliberate system and malice +aforethought. Mere empty-headed conceit excites our pity, +but ostentatious hypocrisy awakens our disgust.</p> +<h2><a name="page485"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 485</span>THE +COUPLE WHO CODDLE THEMSELVES</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Merrywinkle’s</span> maiden +name was Chopper. She was the only child of Mr. and Mrs. +Chopper. Her father died when she was, as the play-books +express it, ‘yet an infant;’ and so old Mrs. Chopper, +when her daughter married, made the house of her son-in-law her +home from that time henceforth, and set up her staff of rest with +Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle.</p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle are a couple who coddle themselves; +and the venerable Mrs. Chopper is an aider and abettor in the +same.</p> +<p>Mr. Merrywinkle is a rather lean and long-necked gentleman, +middle-aged and middle-sized, and usually troubled with a cold in +the head. Mrs. Merrywinkle is a delicate-looking lady, with +very light hair, and is exceedingly subject to the same +unpleasant disorder. The venerable Mrs. Chopper—who +is strictly entitled to the appellation, her daughter not being +very young, otherwise than by courtesy, at the time of her +marriage, which was some years ago—is a mysterious old lady +who lurks behind a pair of spectacles, and is afflicted with a +chronic disease, respecting which she has taken a vast deal of +medical advice, and referred to a vast number of medical books, +without meeting any definition of symptoms that at all suits her, +or enables her to say, ‘That’s my +complaint.’ Indeed, the absence of authentic +information upon the subject of this complaint would seem to be +Mrs. Chopper’s greatest ill, as in all other respects she +is an uncommonly hale and hearty gentlewoman.</p> +<p>Both Mr. and Mrs. Chopper wear an extraordinary quantity of +flannel, and have a habit of putting their feet in hot water to +an unnatural extent. They likewise indulge in chamomile tea +and such-like compounds, and rub themselves on the slightest +provocation with camphorated spirits and other lotions applicable +to mumps, sore-throat, rheumatism, or lumbago.</p> +<p>Mr. Merrywinkle’s leaving home to go to business on a +damp or wet morning is a very elaborate affair. He puts on +wash-leather socks over his stockings, and India-rubber shoes +above his boots, and wears under his waistcoat a cuirass of +hare-skin. Besides these precautions, he winds a thick +shawl round his throat, and blocks up his mouth with a large silk +handkerchief. Thus accoutred, and furnished besides with a +great-coat and umbrella, he braves the dangers of the streets; +travelling in severe weather at a gentle trot, the better to +preserve the circulation, and bringing his mouth to the surface +to take breath, but very seldom, and with the utmost +caution. His office-door opened, he shoots past his clerk +at the same pace, and diving into his own private room, closes +the door, examines the window-fastenings, and gradually unrobes +himself: hanging his pocket-handkerchief on the fender to air, +and determining to write to the newspapers about the fog, which, +he says, ‘has really got to that pitch that it is quite +unbearable.’</p> +<p>In this last opinion Mrs. Merrywinkle and her respected mother +fully concur; for though not present, their thoughts and tongues +are occupied with the same subject, which is their constant theme +all day. If anybody happens to call, Mrs. Merrywinkle +opines that they must assuredly be mad, and her first salutation +is, ‘Why, what in the name of goodness can bring you out in +such weather? You know you <i>must</i> catch your +death.’ This assurance is corroborated by Mrs. +Chopper, who adds, in further confirmation, a dismal legend +concerning an individual of her acquaintance who, making a call +under precisely parallel circumstances, and being then in the +best health and spirits, expired in forty-eight hours afterwards, +of a complication of inflammatory disorders. The visitor, +rendered not altogether comfortable perhaps by this and other +precedents, inquires very affectionately after Mr. Merrywinkle, +but by so doing brings about no change of the subject; for Mr. +Merrywinkle’s name is inseparably connected with his +complaints, and his complaints are inseparably connected with +Mrs. Merrywinkle’s; and when these are done with, Mrs. +Chopper, who has been biding her time, cuts in with the chronic +disorder—a subject upon which the amiable old lady never +leaves off speaking until she is left alone, and very often not +then.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p486b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"The Couple who Coddle Themselves" +title= +"The Couple who Coddle Themselves" + src="images/p486s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>But Mr. Merrywinkle comes home to dinner. He is received +by Mrs. Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper, who, on his remarking that +he thinks his feet are damp, turn pale as ashes and drag him +up-stairs, imploring him to have them rubbed directly with a dry +coarse towel. Rubbed they are, one by Mrs. Merrywinkle and +one by Mrs. Chopper, until the friction causes Mr. Merrywinkle to +make horrible faces, and look as if he had been smelling very +powerful onions; when they desist, and the patient, provided for +his better security with thick worsted stockings and list +slippers, is borne down-stairs to dinner. Now, the dinner +is always a good one, the appetites of the diners being delicate, +and requiring a little of what Mrs. Merrywinkle calls +‘tittivation;’ the secret of which is understood to +lie in good cookery and tasteful spices, and which process is so +successfully performed in the present instance, that both Mr. and +Mrs. Merrywinkle eat a remarkably good dinner, and even the +afflicted Mrs. Chopper wields her knife and fork with much of the +spirit and elasticity of youth. But Mr. Merrywinkle, in his +desire to gratify his appetite, is not unmindful of his health, +for he has a bottle of carbonate of soda with which to qualify +his porter, and a little pair of scales in which to weigh it +out. Neither in his anxiety to take care of his body is he +unmindful of the welfare of his immortal part, as he always prays +that for what he is going to receive he may be made truly +thankful; and in order that he may be as thankful as possible, +eats and drinks to the utmost.</p> +<p>Either from eating and drinking so much, or from being the +victim of this constitutional infirmity, among others, Mr. +Merrywinkle, after two or three glasses of wine, falls fast +asleep; and he has scarcely closed his eyes, when Mrs. +Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper fall asleep likewise. It is on +awakening at tea-time that their most alarming symptoms prevail; +for then Mr. Merrywinkle feels as if his temples were tightly +bound round with the chain of the street-door, and Mrs. +Merrywinkle as if she had made a hearty dinner of +half-hundredweights, and Mrs. Chopper as if cold water were +running down her back, and oyster-knives with sharp points were +plunging of their own accord into her ribs. Symptoms like +these are enough to make people peevish, and no wonder that they +remain so until supper-time, doing little more than doze and +complain, unless Mr. Merrywinkle calls out very loudly to a +servant ‘to keep that draught out,’ or rushes into +the passage to flourish his fist in the countenance of the +twopenny-postman, for daring to give such a knock as he had just +performed at the door of a private gentleman with nerves.</p> +<p>Supper, coming after dinner, should consist of some gentle +provocative; and therefore the tittivating art is again in +requisition, and again—done honour to by Mr. and Mrs. +Merrywinkle, still comforted and abetted by Mrs. Chopper. +After supper, it is ten to one but the last-named old lady +becomes worse, and is led off to bed with the chronic complaint +in full vigour. Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, having +administered to her a warm cordial, which is something of the +strongest, then repair to their own room, where Mr. Merrywinkle, +with his legs and feet in hot water, superintends the mulling of +some wine which he is to drink at the very moment he plunges into +bed, while Mrs. Merrywinkle, in garments whose nature is unknown +to and unimagined by all but married men, takes four small pills +with a spasmodic look between each, and finally comes to +something hot and fragrant out of another little saucepan, which +serves as her composing-draught for the night.</p> +<p>There is another kind of couple who coddle themselves, and who +do so at a cheaper rate and on more spare diet, because they are +niggardly and parsimonious; for which reason they are kind enough +to coddle their visitors too. It is unnecessary to describe +them, for our readers may rest assured of the accuracy of these +general principles:—that all couples who coddle themselves +are selfish and slothful,—that they charge upon every wind +that blows, every rain that falls, and every vapour that hangs in +the air, the evils which arise from their own imprudence or the +gloom which is engendered in their own tempers,—and that +all men and women, in couples or otherwise, who fall into +exclusive habits of self-indulgence, and forget their natural +sympathy and close connexion with everybody and everything in the +world around them, not only neglect the first duty of life, but, +by a happy retributive justice, deprive themselves of its truest +and best enjoyment.</p> +<h2><a name="page489"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 489</span>THE +OLD COUPLE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">They</span> are grandfather and +grandmother to a dozen grown people and have great-grandchildren +besides; their bodies are bent, their hair is grey, their step +tottering and infirm. Is this the lightsome pair whose +wedding was so merry, and have the young couple indeed grown old +so soon!</p> +<p>It seems but yesterday—and yet what a host of cares and +griefs are crowded into the intervening time which, reckoned by +them, lengthens out into a century! How many new +associations have wreathed themselves about their hearts since +then! The old time is gone, and a new time has come for +others—not for them. They are but the rusting link +that feebly joins the two, and is silently loosening its hold and +dropping asunder.</p> +<p>It seems but yesterday—and yet three of their children +have sunk into the grave, and the tree that shades it has grown +quite old. One was an infant—they wept for him; the +next a girl, a slight young thing too delicate for +earth—her loss was hard indeed to bear. The third, a +man. That was the worst of all, but even that grief is +softened now.</p> +<p>It seems but yesterday—and yet how the gay and laughing +faces of that bright morning have changed and vanished from above +ground! Faint likenesses of some remain about them yet, but +they are very faint and scarcely to be traced. The rest are +only seen in dreams, and even they are unlike what they were, in +eyes so old and dim.</p> +<p>One or two dresses from the bridal wardrobe are yet +preserved. They are of a quaint and antique fashion, and +seldom seen except in pictures. White has turned yellow, +and brighter hues have faded. Do you wonder, child? +The wrinkled face was once as smooth as yours, the eyes as +bright, the shrivelled skin as fair and delicate. It is the +work of hands that have been dust these many years.</p> +<p>Where are the fairy lovers of that happy day whose annual +return comes upon the old man and his wife, like the echo of some +village bell which has long been silent? Let yonder peevish +bachelor, racked by rheumatic pains, and quarrelling with the +world, let him answer to the question. He recollects +something of a favourite playmate; her name was Lucy—so +they tell him. He is not sure whether she was married, or +went abroad, or died. It is a long while ago, and he +don’t remember.</p> +<p>Is nothing as it used to be; does no one feel, or think, or +act, as in days of yore? Yes. There is an aged woman +who once lived servant with the old lady’s father, and is +sheltered in an alms-house not far off. She is still +attached to the family, and loves them all; she nursed the +children in her lap, and tended in their sickness those who are +no more. Her old mistress has still something of youth in +her eyes; the young ladies are like what she was but not quite so +handsome, nor are the gentlemen as stately as Mr. Harvey used to +be. She has seen a great deal of trouble; her husband and +her son died long ago; but she has got over that, and is happy +now—quite happy.</p> +<p>If ever her attachment to her old protectors were disturbed by +fresher cares and hopes, it has long since resumed its former +current. It has filled the void in the poor +creature’s heart, and replaced the love of kindred. +Death has not left her alone, and this, with a roof above her +head, and a warm hearth to sit by, makes her cheerful and +contented. Does she remember the marriage of +great-grandmamma? Ay, that she does, as well—as if it +was only yesterday. You wouldn’t think it to look at +her now, and perhaps she ought not to say so of herself, but she +was as smart a young girl then as you’d wish to see. +She recollects she took a friend of hers up-stairs to see Miss +Emma dressed for church; her name was—ah! she forgets the +name, but she remembers that she was a very pretty girl, and that +she married not long afterwards, and lived—it has quite +passed out of her mind where she lived, but she knows she had a +bad husband who used her ill, and that she died in Lambeth +work-house. Dear, dear, in Lambeth workhouse!</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p490b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"The Old Couple" +title= +"The Old Couple" + src="images/p490s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>And the old couple—have they no comfort or enjoyment of +existence? See them among their grandchildren and +great-grandchildren; how garrulous they are, how they compare one +with another, and insist on likenesses which no one else can see; +how gently the old lady lectures the girls on points of breeding +and decorum, and points the moral by anecdotes of herself in her +young days—how the old gentleman chuckles over boyish feats +and roguish tricks, and tells long stories of a +‘barring-out’ achieved at the school he went to: +which was very wrong, he tells the boys, and never to be imitated +of course, but which he cannot help letting them know was very +pleasant too—especially when he kissed the master’s +niece. This last, however, is a point on which the old lady +is very tender, for she considers it a shocking and indelicate +thing to talk about, and always says so whenever it is mentioned, +never failing to observe that he ought to be very penitent for +having been so sinful. So the old gentleman gets no +further, and what the schoolmaster’s niece said afterwards +(which he is always going to tell) is lost to posterity.</p> +<p>The old gentleman is eighty years old, +to-day—‘Eighty years old, Crofts, and never had a +headache,’ he tells the barber who shaves him (the barber +being a young fellow, and very subject to that complaint). +‘That’s a great age, Crofts,’ says the old +gentleman. ‘I don’t think it’s sich a +wery great age, Sir,’ replied the barber. +‘Crofts,’ rejoins the old gentleman, +‘you’re talking nonsense to me. Eighty not a +great age?’ ‘It’s a wery great age, Sir, +for a gentleman to be as healthy and active as you are,’ +returns the barber; ‘but my grandfather, Sir, he was +ninety-four.’ ‘You don’t mean that, +Crofts?’ says the old gentleman. ‘I do indeed, +Sir,’ retorts the barber, ‘and as wiggerous as Julius +Cæsar, my grandfather was.’ The old gentleman +muses a little time, and then says, ‘What did he die of, +Crofts?’ ‘He died accidentally, Sir,’ +returns the barber; ‘he didn’t mean to do it. +He always would go a running about the streets—walking +never satisfied <i>his</i> spirit—and he run against a post +and died of a hurt in his chest.’ The old gentleman +says no more until the shaving is concluded, and then he gives +Crofts half-a-crown to drink his health. He is a little +doubtful of the barber’s veracity afterwards, and telling +the anecdote to the old lady, affects to make very light of +it—though to be sure (he adds) there was old Parr, and in +some parts of England, ninety-five or so is a common age, quite a +common age.</p> +<p>This morning the old couple are cheerful but serious, +recalling old times as well as they can remember them, and +dwelling upon many passages in their past lives which the day +brings to mind. The old lady reads aloud, in a tremulous +voice, out of a great Bible, and the old gentleman with his hand +to his ear, listens with profound respect. When the book is +closed, they sit silent for a short space, and afterwards resume +their conversation, with a reference perhaps to their dead +children, as a subject not unsuited to that they have just +left. By degrees they are led to consider which of those +who survive are the most like those dearly-remembered objects, +and so they fall into a less solemn strain, and become cheerful +again.</p> +<p>How many people in all, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, +and one or two intimate friends of the family, dine together +to-day at the eldest son’s to congratulate the old couple, +and wish them many happy returns, is a calculation beyond our +powers; but this we know, that the old couple no sooner present +themselves, very sprucely and carefully attired, than there is a +violent shouting and rushing forward of the younger branches with +all manner of presents, such as pocket-books, pencil-cases, +pen-wipers, watch-papers, pin-cushions, sleeve-buckles, +worked-slippers, watch-guards, and even a nutmeg-grater: the +latter article being presented by a very chubby and very little +boy, who exhibits it in great triumph as an extraordinary +variety. The old couple’s emotion at these tokens of +remembrance occasions quite a pathetic scene, of which the chief +ingredients are a vast quantity of kissing and hugging, and +repeated wipings of small eyes and noses with small square +pocket-handkerchiefs, which don’t come at all easily out of +small pockets. Even the peevish bachelor is moved, and he +says, as he presents the old gentleman with a queer sort of +antique ring from his own finger, that he’ll be de’ed +if he doesn’t think he looks younger than he did ten years +ago.</p> +<p>But the great time is after dinner, when the dessert and wine +are on the table, which is pushed back to make plenty of room, +and they are all gathered in a large circle round the fire, for +it is then—the glasses being filled, and everybody ready to +drink the toast—that two great-grandchildren rush out at a +given signal, and presently return, dragging in old Jane Adams +leaning upon her crutched stick, and trembling with age and +pleasure. Who so popular as poor old Jane, nurse and +story-teller in ordinary to two generations; and who so happy as +she, striving to bend her stiff limbs into a curtsey, while tears +of pleasure steal down her withered cheeks!</p> +<p>The old couple sit side by side, and the old time seems like +yesterday indeed. Looking back upon the path they have +travelled, its dust and ashes disappear; the flowers that +withered long ago, show brightly again upon its borders, and they +grow young once more in the youth of those about them.</p> +<h2><a name="page493"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +493</span>CONCLUSION</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> have taken for the subjects of +the foregoing moral essays, twelve samples of married couples, +carefully selected from a large stock on hand, open to the +inspection of all comers. These samples are intended for +the benefit of the rising generation of both sexes, and, for +their more easy and pleasant information, have been separately +ticketed and labelled in the manner they have seen.</p> +<p>We have purposely excluded from consideration the couple in +which the lady reigns paramount and supreme, holding such cases +to be of a very unnatural kind, and like hideous births and other +monstrous deformities, only to be discreetly and sparingly +exhibited.</p> +<p>And here our self-imposed task would have ended, but that to +those young ladies and gentlemen who are yet revolving singly +round the church, awaiting the advent of that time when the +mysterious laws of attraction shall draw them towards it in +couples, we are desirous of addressing a few last words.</p> +<p>Before marriage and afterwards, let them learn to centre all +their hopes of real and lasting happiness in their own fireside; +let them cherish the faith that in home, and all the English +virtues which the love of home engenders, lies the only true +source of domestic felicity; let them believe that round the +household gods, contentment and tranquillity cluster in their +gentlest and most graceful forms; and that many weary hunters of +happiness through the noisy world, have learnt this truth too +late, and found a cheerful spirit and a quiet mind only at home +at last.</p> +<p>How much may depend on the education of daughters and the +conduct of mothers; how much of the brightest part of our old +national character may be perpetuated by their wisdom or +frittered away by their folly—how much of it may have been +lost already, and how much more in danger of vanishing every +day—are questions too weighty for discussion here, but well +deserving a little serious consideration from all young couples +nevertheless.</p> +<p>To that one young couple on whose bright destiny the thoughts +of nations are fixed, may the youth of England look, and not in +vain, for an example. From that one young couple, blessed +and favoured as they are, may they learn that even the glare and +glitter of a court, the splendour of a palace, and the pomp and +glory of a throne, yield in their power of conferring happiness, +to domestic worth and virtue. From that one young couple +may they learn that the crown of a great empire, costly and +jewelled though it be, gives place in the estimation of a Queen +to the plain gold ring that links her woman’s nature to +that of tens of thousands of her humble subjects, and guards in +her woman’s heart one secret store of tenderness, whose +proudest boast shall be that it knows no Royalty save +Nature’s own, and no pride of birth but being the child of +heaven!</p> +<p>So shall the highest young couple in the land for once hear +the truth, when men throw up their caps, and cry with loving +shouts—</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">God bless +them</span>.</p> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES***</p> +<pre> + + +***** This file should be named 916-h.htm or 916-h.zip****** + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/9/1/916 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, +and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive +specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this +eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook +for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, +performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given +away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks +not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the +trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. + +START: FULL LICENSE + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full +Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at +www.gutenberg.org/license. + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or +destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your +possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a +Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound +by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the +person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph +1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this +agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the +Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection +of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual +works in the collection are in the public domain in the United +States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the +United States and you are located in the United States, we do not +claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, +displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as +all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope +that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting +free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm +works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the +Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily +comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the +same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when +you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are +in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, +check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this +agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, +distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any +other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no +representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any +country outside the United States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other +immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear +prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work +on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, +performed, viewed, copied or distributed: + + This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and + most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no + restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it + under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this + eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the + United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you + are located before using this ebook. + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is +derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not +contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the +copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in +the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are +redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply +either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or +obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm +trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any +additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms +will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works +posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the +beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including +any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access +to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format +other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official +version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site +(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense +to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means +of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain +Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the +full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +provided that + +* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed + to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has + agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid + within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are + legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty + payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in + Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg + Literary Archive Foundation." + +* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all + copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue + all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm + works. + +* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of + any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of + receipt of the work. + +* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than +are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing +from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The +Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm +trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project +Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may +contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate +or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or +other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or +cannot be read by your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium +with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you +with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in +lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person +or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second +opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If +the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing +without further opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO +OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of +damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement +violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the +agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or +limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or +unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the +remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in +accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the +production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, +including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of +the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this +or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or +additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any +Defect you cause. + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of +computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It +exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations +from people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future +generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see +Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at +www.gutenberg.org + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by +U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the +mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its +volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous +locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt +Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to +date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and +official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND +DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular +state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To +donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project +Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be +freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and +distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of +volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in +the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not +necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper +edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search +facility: www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +</pre></body> +</html> diff --git a/916-h/images/p454b.jpg b/916-h/images/p454b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e359283 --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p454b.jpg diff --git a/916-h/images/p454s.jpg b/916-h/images/p454s.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2440175 --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p454s.jpg diff --git a/916-h/images/p458b.jpg b/916-h/images/p458b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6f43e00 --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p458b.jpg diff --git a/916-h/images/p458s.jpg b/916-h/images/p458s.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0c9e1ff --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p458s.jpg diff --git a/916-h/images/p466b.jpg b/916-h/images/p466b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3325ff --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p466b.jpg diff --git a/916-h/images/p466s.jpg b/916-h/images/p466s.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c94ad5a --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p466s.jpg diff --git a/916-h/images/p478b.jpg b/916-h/images/p478b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..31eca79 --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p478b.jpg diff --git a/916-h/images/p478s.jpg b/916-h/images/p478s.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed0be04 --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p478s.jpg diff --git a/916-h/images/p486b.jpg b/916-h/images/p486b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..72420b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p486b.jpg diff --git a/916-h/images/p486s.jpg b/916-h/images/p486s.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..560c7f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p486s.jpg diff --git a/916-h/images/p490b.jpg b/916-h/images/p490b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..61d60e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p490b.jpg diff --git a/916-h/images/p490s.jpg b/916-h/images/p490s.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f512f6d --- /dev/null +++ b/916-h/images/p490s.jpg diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..061f109 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #916 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/916) diff --git a/old/yngcp10.txt b/old/yngcp10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..21adc2e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/yngcp10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2302 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Sketches of Young Couples, by Charles Dickens +(#24 in our series by Charles Dickens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Sketches of Young Couples + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: May, 1997 [EBook #916] +[This file was first posted on May 22, 1997] +[Most recently updated: May 8, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES *** + + + + +Transcribed from the 1903 edition by David Price, +email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + +SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES + + + + +AN URGENT REMONSTRANCE, &c + +TO THE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND, + +(BEING BACHELORS OR WIDOWERS,) + +THE REMONSTRANCE OF THEIR FAITHFUL FELLOW-SUBJECT, + +SHEWETH,- + +THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, Victoria, by the Grace of God of +the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland Queen, Defender of +the Faith, did, on the 23rd day of November last past, declare and +pronounce to Her Most Honourable Privy Council, Her Majesty's Most +Gracious intention of entering into the bonds of wedlock. + +THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, in so making known Her Most +Gracious intention to Her Most Honourable Privy Council as +aforesaid, did use and employ the words--'It is my intention to +ally myself in marriage with Prince Albert of Saxe Coburg and +Gotha.' + +THAT the present is Bissextile, or Leap Year, in which it is held +and considered lawful for any lady to offer and submit proposals of +marriage to any gentleman, and to enforce and insist upon +acceptance of the same, under pain of a certain fine or penalty; to +wit, one silk or satin dress of the first quality, to be chosen by +the lady and paid (or owed) for, by the gentleman. + +THAT these and other the horrors and dangers with which the said +Bissextile, or Leap Year, threatens the gentlemen of England on +every occasion of its periodical return, have been greatly +aggravated and augmented by the terms of Her Majesty's said Most +Gracious communication, which have filled the heads of divers young +ladies in this Realm with certain new ideas destructive to the +peace of mankind, that never entered their imagination before. + +THAT a case has occurred in Camberwell, in which a young lady +informed her Papa that 'she intended to ally herself in marriage' +with Mr. Smith of Stepney; and that another, and a very distressing +case, has occurred at Tottenham, in which a young lady not only +stated her intention of allying herself in marriage with her cousin +John, but, taking violent possession of her said cousin, actually +married him. + +THAT similar outrages are of constant occurrence, not only in the +capital and its neighbourhood, but throughout the kingdom, and that +unless the excited female populace be speedily checked and +restrained in their lawless proceedings, most deplorable results +must ensue therefrom; among which may be anticipated a most +alarming increase in the population of the country, with which no +efforts of the agricultural or manufacturing interest can possibly +keep pace. + +THAT there is strong reason to suspect the existence of a most +extensive plot, conspiracy, or design, secretly contrived by vast +numbers of single ladies in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and +Ireland, and now extending its ramifications in every quarter of +the land; the object and intent of which plainly appears to be the +holding and solemnising of an enormous and unprecedented number of +marriages, on the day on which the nuptials of Her said Most +Gracious Majesty are performed. + +THAT such plot, conspiracy, or design, strongly savours of Popery, +as tending to the discomfiture of the Clergy of the Established +Church, by entailing upon them great mental and physical +exhaustion; and that such Popish plots are fomented and encouraged +by Her Majesty's Ministers, which clearly appears--not only from +Her Majesty's principal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs +traitorously getting married while holding office under the Crown; +but from Mr. O'Connell having been heard to declare and avow that, +if he had a daughter to marry, she should be married on the same +day as Her said Most Gracious Majesty. + +THAT such arch plots, conspiracies, and designs, besides being +fraught with danger to the Established Church, and (consequently) +to the State, cannot fail to bring ruin and bankruptcy upon a large +class of Her Majesty's subjects; as a great and sudden increase in +the number of married men occasioning the comparative desertion +(for a time) of Taverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, +will deprive the Proprietors of their accustomed profits and +returns. And in further proof of the depth and baseness of such +designs, it may be here observed, that all proprietors of Taverns, +Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, are (especially the +last) solemnly devoted to the Protestant religion. + +FOR all these reasons, and many others of no less gravity and +import, an urgent appeal is made to the gentlemen of England (being +bachelors or widowers) to take immediate steps for convening a +Public meeting; To consider of the best and surest means of +averting the dangers with which they are threatened by the +recurrence of Bissextile, or Leap Year, and the additional +sensation created among single ladies by the terms of Her Majesty's +Most Gracious Declaration; To take measures, without delay, for +resisting the said single Ladies, and counteracting their evil +designs; And to pray Her Majesty to dismiss her present Ministers, +and to summon to her Councils those distinguished Gentlemen in +various Honourable Professions who, by insulting on all occasions +the only Lady in England who can be insulted with safety, have +given a sufficient guarantee to Her Majesty's Loving Subjects that +they, at least, are qualified to make war with women, and are +already expert in the use of those weapons which are common to the +lowest and most abandoned of the sex. + + + +THE YOUNG COUPLE + + + +There is to be a wedding this morning at the corner house in the +terrace. The pastry-cook's people have been there half-a-dozen +times already; all day yesterday there was a great stir and bustle, +and they were up this morning as soon as it was light. Miss Emma +Fielding is going to be married to young Mr. Harvey. + +Heaven alone can tell in what bright colours this marriage is +painted upon the mind of the little housemaid at number six, who +has hardly slept a wink all night with thinking of it, and now +stands on the unswept door-steps leaning upon her broom, and +looking wistfully towards the enchanted house. Nothing short of +omniscience can divine what visions of the baker, or the green- +grocer, or the smart and most insinuating butterman, are flitting +across her mind--what thoughts of how she would dress on such an +occasion, if she were a lady--of how she would dress, if she were +only a bride--of how cook would dress, being bridesmaid, conjointly +with her sister 'in place' at Fulham, and how the clergyman, +deeming them so many ladies, would be quite humbled and respectful. +What day-dreams of hope and happiness--of life being one perpetual +holiday, with no master and no mistress to grant or withhold it--of +every Sunday being a Sunday out--of pure freedom as to curls and +ringlets, and no obligation to hide fine heads of hair in caps-- +what pictures of happiness, vast and immense to her, but utterly +ridiculous to us, bewilder the brain of the little housemaid at +number six, all called into existence by the wedding at the corner! + +We smile at such things, and so we should, though perhaps for a +better reason than commonly presents itself. It should be pleasant +to us to know that there are notions of happiness so moderate and +limited, since upon those who entertain them, happiness and +lightness of heart are very easily bestowed. + +But the little housemaid is awakened from her reverie, for forth +from the door of the magical corner house there runs towards her, +all fluttering in smart new dress and streaming ribands, her friend +Jane Adams, who comes all out of breath to redeem a solemn promise +of taking her in, under cover of the confusion, to see the +breakfast table spread forth in state, and--sight of sights!--her +young mistress ready dressed for church. + +And there, in good truth, when they have stolen up-stairs on tip- +toe and edged themselves in at the chamber-door--there is Miss Emma +'looking like the sweetest picter,' in a white chip bonnet and +orange flowers, and all other elegancies becoming a bride, (with +the make, shape, and quality of every article of which the girl is +perfectly familiar in one moment, and never forgets to her dying +day)--and there is Miss Emma's mamma in tears, and Miss Emma's papa +comforting her, and saying how that of course she has been long +looking forward to this, and how happy she ought to be--and there +too is Miss Emma's sister with her arms round her neck, and the +other bridesmaid all smiles and tears, quieting the children, who +would cry more but that they are so finely dressed, and yet sob for +fear sister Emma should be taken away--and it is all so affecting, +that the two servant-girls cry more than anybody; and Jane Adams, +sitting down upon the stairs, when they have crept away, declares +that her legs tremble so that she don't know what to do, and that +she will say for Miss Emma, that she never had a hasty word from +her, and that she does hope and pray she may be happy. + +But Jane soon comes round again, and then surely there never was +anything like the breakfast table, glittering with plate and china, +and set out with flowers and sweets, and long-necked bottles, in +the most sumptuous and dazzling manner. In the centre, too, is the +mighty charm, the cake, glistening with frosted sugar, and +garnished beautifully. They agree that there ought to be a little +Cupid under one of the barley-sugar temples, or at least two hearts +and an arrow; but, with this exception, there is nothing to wish +for, and a table could not be handsomer. As they arrive at this +conclusion, who should come in but Mr. John! to whom Jane says that +its only Anne from number six; and John says HE knows, for he's +often winked his eye down the area, which causes Anne to blush and +look confused. She is going away, indeed; when Mr. John will have +it that she must drink a glass of wine, and he says never mind it's +being early in the morning, it won't hurt her: so they shut the +door and pour out the wine; and Anne drinking lane's health, and +adding, 'and here's wishing you yours, Mr. John,' drinks it in a +great many sips,--Mr. John all the time making jokes appropriate to +the occasion. At last Mr. John, who has waxed bolder by degrees, +pleads the usage at weddings, and claims the privilege of a kiss, +which he obtains after a great scuffle; and footsteps being now +heard on the stairs, they disperse suddenly. + +By this time a carriage has driven up to convey the bride to +church, and Anne of number six prolonging the process of 'cleaning +her door,' has the satisfaction of beholding the bride and +bridesmaids, and the papa and mamma, hurry into the same and drive +rapidly off. Nor is this all, for soon other carriages begin to +arrive with a posse of company all beautifully dressed, at whom she +could stand and gaze for ever; but having something else to do, is +compelled to take one last long look and shut the street-door. + +And now the company have gone down to breakfast, and tears have +given place to smiles, for all the corks are out of the long-necked +bottles, and their contents are disappearing rapidly. Miss Emma's +papa is at the top of the table; Miss Emma's mamma at the bottom; +and beside the latter are Miss Emma herself and her husband,-- +admitted on all hands to be the handsomest and most interesting +young couple ever known. All down both sides of the table, too, +are various young ladies, beautiful to see, and various young +gentlemen who seem to think so; and there, in a post of honour, is +an unmarried aunt of Miss Emma's, reported to possess unheard-of +riches, and to have expressed vast testamentary intentions +respecting her favourite niece and new nephew. This lady has been +very liberal and generous already, as the jewels worn by the bride +abundantly testify, but that is nothing to what she means to do, or +even to what she has done, for she put herself in close +communication with the dressmaker three months ago, and prepared a +wardrobe (with some articles worked by her own hands) fit for a +Princess. People may call her an old maid, and so she may be, but +she is neither cross nor ugly for all that; on the contrary, she is +very cheerful and pleasant-looking, and very kind and tender- +hearted: which is no matter of surprise except to those who yield +to popular prejudices without thinking why, and will never grow +wiser and never know better. + +Of all the company though, none are more pleasant to behold or +better pleased with themselves than two young children, who, in +honour of the day, have seats among the guests. Of these, one is a +little fellow of six or eight years old, brother to the bride,--and +the other a girl of the same age, or something younger, whom he +calls 'his wife.' The real bride and bridegroom are not more +devoted than they: he all love and attention, and she all blushes +and fondness, toying with a little bouquet which he gave her this +morning, and placing the scattered rose-leaves in her bosom with +nature's own coquettishness. They have dreamt of each other in +their quiet dreams, these children, and their little hearts have +been nearly broken when the absent one has been dispraised in jest. +When will there come in after-life a passion so earnest, generous, +and true as theirs; what, even in its gentlest realities, can have +the grace and charm that hover round such fairy lovers! + +By this time the merriment and happiness of the feast have gained +their height; certain ominous looks begin to be exchanged between +the bridesmaids, and somehow it gets whispered about that the +carriage which is to take the young couple into the country has +arrived. Such members of the party as are most disposed to prolong +its enjoyments, affect to consider this a false alarm, but it turns +out too true, being speedily confirmed, first by the retirement of +the bride and a select file of intimates who are to prepare her for +the journey, and secondly by the withdrawal of the ladies +generally. To this there ensues a particularly awkward pause, in +which everybody essays to be facetious, and nobody succeeds; at +length the bridegroom makes a mysterious disappearance in obedience +to some equally mysterious signal; and the table is deserted. + +Now, for at least six weeks last past it has been solemnly devised +and settled that the young couple should go away in secret; but +they no sooner appear without the door than the drawing-room +windows are blocked up with ladies waving their handkerchiefs and +kissing their hands, and the dining-room panes with gentlemen's +faces beaming farewell in every queer variety of its expression. +The hall and steps are crowded with servants in white favours, +mixed up with particular friends and relations who have darted out +to say good-bye; and foremost in the group are the tiny lovers arm +in arm, thinking, with fluttering hearts, what happiness it would +be to dash away together in that gallant coach, and never part +again. + +The bride has barely time for one hurried glance at her old home, +when the steps rattle, the door slams, the horses clatter on the +pavement, and they have left it far away. + +A knot of women servants still remain clustered in the hall, +whispering among themselves, and there of course is Anne from +number six, who has made another escape on some plea or other, and +been an admiring witness of the departure. There are two points on +which Anne expatiates over and over again, without the smallest +appearance of fatigue or intending to leave off; one is, that she +'never see in all her life such a--oh such a angel of a gentleman +as Mr. Harvey'--and the other, that she 'can't tell how it is, but +it don't seem a bit like a work-a-day, or a Sunday neither--it's +all so unsettled and unregular.' + + + +THE FORMAL COUPLE + + + +The formal couple are the most prim, cold, immovable, and +unsatisfactory people on the face of the earth. Their faces, +voices, dress, house, furniture, walk, and manner, are all the +essence of formality, unrelieved by one redeeming touch of +frankness, heartiness, or nature. + +Everything with the formal couple resolves itself into a matter of +form. They don't call upon you on your account, but their own; not +to see how you are, but to show how they are: it is not a ceremony +to do honour to you, but to themselves,--not due to your position, +but to theirs. If one of a friend's children die, the formal +couple are as sure and punctual in sending to the house as the +undertaker; if a friend's family be increased, the monthly nurse is +not more attentive than they. The formal couple, in fact, joyfully +seize all occasions of testifying their good-breeding and precise +observance of the little usages of society; and for you, who are +the means to this end, they care as much as a man does for the +tailor who has enabled him to cut a figure, or a woman for the +milliner who has assisted her to a conquest. + +Having an extensive connexion among that kind of people who make +acquaintances and eschew friends, the formal gentleman attends from +time to time a great many funerals, to which he is formally +invited, and to which he formally goes, as returning a call for the +last time. Here his deportment is of the most faultless +description; he knows the exact pitch of voice it is proper to +assume, the sombre look he ought to wear, the melancholy tread +which should be his gait for the day. He is perfectly acquainted +with all the dreary courtesies to be observed in a mourning-coach; +knows when to sigh, and when to hide his nose in the white +handkerchief; and looks into the grave and shakes his head when the +ceremony is concluded, with the sad formality of a mute. + +'What kind of funeral was it?' says the formal lady, when he +returns home. 'Oh!' replies the formal gentleman, 'there never was +such a gross and disgusting impropriety; there were no feathers.' +'No feathers!' cries the lady, as if on wings of black feathers +dead people fly to Heaven, and, lacking them, they must of +necessity go elsewhere. Her husband shakes his head; and further +adds, that they had seed-cake instead of plum-cake, and that it was +all white wine. 'All white wine!' exclaims his wife. 'Nothing but +sherry and madeira,' says the husband. 'What! no port?' 'Not a +drop.' No port, no plums, and no feathers! 'You will recollect, +my dear,' says the formal lady, in a voice of stately reproof, +'that when we first met this poor man who is now dead and gone, and +he took that very strange course of addressing me at dinner without +being previously introduced, I ventured to express my opinion that +the family were quite ignorant of etiquette, and very imperfectly +acquainted with the decencies of life. You have now had a good +opportunity of judging for yourself, and all I have to say is, that +I trust you will never go to a funeral THERE again.' 'My dear,' +replies the formal gentleman, 'I never will.' So the informal +deceased is cut in his grave; and the formal couple, when they tell +the story of the funeral, shake their heads, and wonder what some +people's feelings ARE made of, and what their notions of propriety +CAN be! + +If the formal couple have a family (which they sometimes have), +they are not children, but little, pale, sour, sharp-nosed men and +women; and so exquisitely brought up, that they might be very old +dwarfs for anything that appeareth to the contrary. Indeed, they +are so acquainted with forms and conventionalities, and conduct +themselves with such strict decorum, that to see the little girl +break a looking-glass in some wild outbreak, or the little boy kick +his parents, would be to any visitor an unspeakable relief and +consolation. + +The formal couple are always sticklers for what is rigidly proper, +and have a great readiness in detecting hidden impropriety of +speech or thought, which by less scrupulous people would be wholly +unsuspected. Thus, if they pay a visit to the theatre, they sit +all night in a perfect agony lest anything improper or immoral +should proceed from the stage; and if anything should happen to be +said which admits of a double construction, they never fail to take +it up directly, and to express by their looks the great outrage +which their feelings have sustained. Perhaps this is their chief +reason for absenting themselves almost entirely from places of +public amusement. They go sometimes to the Exhibition of the Royal +Academy;--but that is often more shocking than the stage itself, +and the formal lady thinks that it really is high time Mr. Etty was +prosecuted and made a public example of. + +We made one at a christening party not long since, where there were +amongst the guests a formal couple, who suffered the acutest +torture from certain jokes, incidental to such an occasion, cut-- +and very likely dried also--by one of the godfathers; a red-faced +elderly gentleman, who, being highly popular with the rest of the +company, had it all his own way, and was in great spirits. It was +at supper-time that this gentleman came out in full force. We-- +being of a grave and quiet demeanour--had been chosen to escort the +formal lady down-stairs, and, sitting beside her, had a favourable +opportunity of observing her emotions. + +We have a shrewd suspicion that, in the very beginning, and in the +first blush--literally the first blush--of the matter, the formal +lady had not felt quite certain whether the being present at such a +ceremony, and encouraging, as it were, the public exhibition of a +baby, was not an act involving some degree of indelicacy and +impropriety; but certain we are that when that baby's health was +drunk, and allusions were made, by a grey-headed gentleman +proposing it, to the time when he had dandled in his arms the young +Christian's mother,--certain we are that then the formal lady took +the alarm, and recoiled from the old gentleman as from a hoary +profligate. Still she bore it; she fanned herself with an +indignant air, but still she bore it. A comic song was sung, +involving a confession from some imaginary gentleman that he had +kissed a female, and yet the formal lady bore it. But when at +last, the health of the godfather before-mentioned being drunk, the +godfather rose to return thanks, and in the course of his +observations darkly hinted at babies yet unborn, and even +contemplated the possibility of the subject of that festival having +brothers and sisters, the formal lady could endure no more, but, +bowing slightly round, and sweeping haughtily past the offender, +left the room in tears, under the protection of the formal +gentleman. + + + +THE LOVING COUPLE + + + +There cannot be a better practical illustration of the wise saw and +ancient instance, that there may be too much of a good thing, than +is presented by a loving couple. Undoubtedly it is meet and proper +that two persons joined together in holy matrimony should be +loving, and unquestionably it is pleasant to know and see that they +are so; but there is a time for all things, and the couple who +happen to be always in a loving state before company, are well-nigh +intolerable. + +And in taking up this position we would have it distinctly +understood that we do not seek alone the sympathy of bachelors, in +whose objection to loving couples we recognise interested motives +and personal considerations. We grant that to that unfortunate +class of society there may be something very irritating, +tantalising, and provoking, in being compelled to witness those +gentle endearments and chaste interchanges which to loving couples +are quite the ordinary business of life. But while we recognise +the natural character of the prejudice to which these unhappy men +are subject, we can neither receive their biassed evidence, nor +address ourself to their inflamed and angered minds. Dispassionate +experience is our only guide; and in these moral essays we seek no +less to reform hymeneal offenders than to hold out a timely warning +to all rising couples, and even to those who have not yet set forth +upon their pilgrimage towards the matrimonial market. + +Let all couples, present or to come, therefore profit by the +example of Mr. and Mrs. Leaver, themselves a loving couple in the +first degree. + +Mr. and Mrs. Leaver are pronounced by Mrs. Starling, a widow lady +who lost her husband when she was young, and lost herself about the +same-time--for by her own count she has never since grown five +years older--to be a perfect model of wedded felicity. 'You would +suppose,' says the romantic lady, 'that they were lovers only just +now engaged. Never was such happiness! They are so tender, so +affectionate, so attached to each other, so enamoured, that +positively nothing can be more charming!' + +'Augusta, my soul,' says Mr. Leaver. 'Augustus, my life,' replies +Mrs. Leaver. 'Sing some little ballad, darling,' quoth Mr. Leaver. +'I couldn't, indeed, dearest,' returns Mrs. Leaver. 'Do, my dove,' +says Mr. Leaver. 'I couldn't possibly, my love,' replies Mrs. +Leaver; 'and it's very naughty of you to ask me.' 'Naughty, +darling!' cries Mr. Leaver. 'Yes, very naughty, and very cruel,' +returns Mrs. Leaver, 'for you know I have a sore throat, and that +to sing would give me great pain. You're a monster, and I hate +you. Go away!' Mrs. Leaver has said 'go away,' because Mr. Leaver +has tapped her under the chin: Mr. Leaver not doing as he is bid, +but on the contrary, sitting down beside her, Mrs. Leaver slaps Mr. +Leaver; and Mr. Leaver in return slaps Mrs. Leaver, and it being +now time for all persons present to look the other way, they look +the other way, and hear a still small sound as of kissing, at which +Mrs. Starling is thoroughly enraptured, and whispers her neighbour +that if all married couples were like that, what a heaven this +earth would be! + +The loving couple are at home when this occurs, and maybe only +three or four friends are present, but, unaccustomed to reserve +upon this interesting point, they are pretty much the same abroad. +Indeed upon some occasions, such as a pic-nic or a water-party, +their lovingness is even more developed, as we had an opportunity +last summer of observing in person. + +There was a great water-party made up to go to Twickenham and dine, +and afterwards dance in an empty villa by the river-side, hired +expressly for the purpose. Mr. and Mrs. Leaver were of the +company; and it was our fortune to have a seat in the same boat, +which was an eight-oared galley, manned by amateurs, with a blue +striped awning of the same pattern as their Guernsey shirts, and a +dingy red flag of the same shade as the whiskers of the stroke oar. +A coxswain being appointed, and all other matters adjusted, the +eight gentlemen threw themselves into strong paroxysms, and pulled +up with the tide, stimulated by the compassionate remarks of the +ladies, who one and all exclaimed, that it seemed an immense +exertion--as indeed it did. At first we raced the other boat, +which came alongside in gallant style; but this being found an +unpleasant amusement, as giving rise to a great quantity of +splashing, and rendering the cold pies and other viands very moist, +it was unanimously voted down, and we were suffered to shoot a- +head, while the second boat followed ingloriously in our wake. + +It was at this time that we first recognised Mr. Leaver. There +were two firemen-watermen in the boat, lying by until somebody was +exhausted; and one of them, who had taken upon himself the +direction of affairs, was heard to cry in a gruff voice, 'Pull +away, number two--give it her, number two--take a longer reach, +number two--now, number two, sir, think you're winning a boat.' +The greater part of the company had no doubt begun to wonder which +of the striped Guernseys it might be that stood in need of such +encouragement, when a stifled shriek from Mrs. Leaver confirmed the +doubtful and informed the ignorant; and Mr. Leaver, still further +disguised in a straw hat and no neckcloth, was observed to be in a +fearful perspiration, and failing visibly. Nor was the general +consternation diminished at this instant by the same gentleman (in +the performance of an accidental aquatic feat, termed 'catching a +crab') plunging suddenly backward, and displaying nothing of +himself to the company, but two violently struggling legs. Mrs. +Leaver shrieked again several times, and cried piteously--'Is he +dead? Tell me the worst. Is he dead?' + +Now, a moment's reflection might have convinced the loving wife, +that unless her husband were endowed with some most surprising +powers of muscular action, he never could be dead while he kicked +so hard; but still Mrs. Leaver cried, 'Is he dead? is he dead?' and +still everybody else cried--'No, no, no,' until such time as Mr. +Leaver was replaced in a sitting posture, and his oar (which had +been going through all kinds of wrong-headed performances on its +own account) was once more put in his hand, by the exertions of the +two firemen-watermen. Mr. Leaver then exclaimed, 'Augustus, my +child, come to me;' and Mr. Leaver said, 'Augusta, my love, compose +yourself, I am not injured.' But Mrs. Leaver cried again more +piteously than before, 'Augustus, my child, come to me;' and now +the company generally, who seemed to be apprehensive that if Mr. +Leaver remained where he was, he might contribute more than his +proper share towards the drowning of the party, disinterestedly +took part with Mrs. Leaver, and said he really ought to go, and +that he was not strong enough for such violent exercise, and ought +never to have undertaken it. Reluctantly, Mr. Leaver went, and +laid himself down at Mrs. Leaver's feet, and Mrs. Leaver stooping +over him, said, 'Oh Augustus, how could you terrify me so?' and Mr. +Leaver said, 'Augusta, my sweet, I never meant to terrify you;' and +Mrs. Leaver said, 'You are faint, my dear;' and Mr. Leaver said, 'I +am rather so, my love;' and they were very loving indeed under Mrs. +Leaver's veil, until at length Mr. Leaver came forth again, and +pleasantly asked if he had not heard something said about bottled +stout and sandwiches. + +Mrs. Starling, who was one of the party, was perfectly delighted +with this scene, and frequently murmured half-aside, 'What a loving +couple you are!' or 'How delightful it is to see man and wife so +happy together!' To us she was quite poetical, (for we are a kind +of cousins,) observing that hearts beating in unison like that made +life a paradise of sweets; and that when kindred creatures were +drawn together by sympathies so fine and delicate, what more than +mortal happiness did not our souls partake! To all this we +answered 'Certainly,' or 'Very true,' or merely sighed, as the case +might be. At every new act of the loving couple, the widow's +admiration broke out afresh; and when Mrs. Leaver would not permit +Mr. Leaver to keep his hat off, lest the sun should strike to his +head, and give him a brain fever, Mrs. Starling actually shed +tears, and said it reminded her of Adam and Eve. + +The loving couple were thus loving all the way to Twickenham, but +when we arrived there (by which time the amateur crew looked very +thirsty and vicious) they were more playful than ever, for Mrs. +Leaver threw stones at Mr. Leaver, and Mr. Leaver ran after Mrs. +Leaver on the grass, in a most innocent and enchanting manner. At +dinner, too, Mr. Leaver WOULD steal Mrs. Leaver's tongue, and Mrs. +Leaver WOULD retaliate upon Mr. Leaver's fowl; and when Mrs. Leaver +was going to take some lobster salad, Mr. Leaver wouldn't let her +have any, saying that it made her ill, and she was always sorry for +it afterwards, which afforded Mrs. Leaver an opportunity of +pretending to be cross, and showing many other prettinesses. But +this was merely the smiling surface of their loves, not the mighty +depths of the stream, down to which the company, to say the truth, +dived rather unexpectedly, from the following accident. It chanced +that Mr. Leaver took upon himself to propose the bachelors who had +first originated the notion of that entertainment, in doing which, +he affected to regret that he was no longer of their body himself, +and pretended grievously to lament his fallen state. This Mrs. +Leaver's feelings could not brook, even in jest, and consequently, +exclaiming aloud, 'He loves me not, he loves me not!' she fell in a +very pitiable state into the arms of Mrs. Starling, and, directly +becoming insensible, was conveyed by that lady and her husband into +another room. Presently Mr. Leaver came running back to know if +there was a medical gentleman in company, and as there was, (in +what company is there not?) both Mr. Leaver and the medical +gentleman hurried away together. + +The medical gentleman was the first who returned, and among his +intimate friends he was observed to laugh and wink, and look as +unmedical as might be; but when Mr. Leaver came back he was very +solemn, and in answer to all inquiries, shook his head, and +remarked that Augusta was far too sensitive to be trifled with--an +opinion which the widow subsequently confirmed. Finding that she +was in no imminent peril, however, the rest of the party betook +themselves to dancing on the green, and very merry and happy they +were, and a vast quantity of flirtation there was; the last +circumstance being no doubt attributable, partly to the fineness of +the weather, and partly to the locality, which is well known to be +favourable to all harmless recreations. + +In the bustle of the scene, Mr. and Mrs. Leaver stole down to the +boat, and disposed themselves under the awning, Mrs. Leaver +reclining her head upon Mr. Leaver's shoulder, and Mr. Leaver +grasping her hand with great fervour, and looking in her face from +time to time with a melancholy and sympathetic aspect. The widow +sat apart, feigning to be occupied with a book, but stealthily +observing them from behind her fan; and the two firemen-watermen, +smoking their pipes on the bank hard by, nudged each other, and +grinned in enjoyment of the joke. Very few of the party missed the +loving couple; and the few who did, heartily congratulated each +other on their disappearance. + + + +THE CONTRADICTORY COUPLE + + + +One would suppose that two people who are to pass their whole lives +together, and must necessarily be very often alone with each other, +could find little pleasure in mutual contradiction; and yet what is +more common than a contradictory couple? + +The contradictory couple agree in nothing but contradiction. They +return home from Mrs. Bluebottle's dinner-party, each in an +opposite corner of the coach, and do not exchange a syllable until +they have been seated for at least twenty minutes by the fireside +at home, when the gentleman, raising his eyes from the stove, all +at once breaks silence: + +'What a very extraordinary thing it is,' says he, 'that you WILL +contradict, Charlotte!' '_I_ contradict!' cries the lady, 'but +that's just like you.' 'What's like me?' says the gentleman +sharply. 'Saying that I contradict you,' replies the lady. 'Do +you mean to say that you do NOT contradict me?' retorts the +gentleman; 'do you mean to say that you have not been contradicting +me the whole of this day?' 'Do you mean to tell me now, that you +have not? I mean to tell you nothing of the kind,' replies the +lady quietly; 'when you are wrong, of course I shall contradict +you.' + +During this dialogue the gentleman has been taking his brandy-and- +water on one side of the fire, and the lady, with her dressing-case +on the table, has been curling her hair on the other. She now lets +down her back hair, and proceeds to brush it; preserving at the +same time an air of conscious rectitude and suffering virtue, which +is intended to exasperate the gentleman--and does so. + +'I do believe,' he says, taking the spoon out of his glass, and +tossing it on the table, 'that of all the obstinate, positive, +wrong-headed creatures that were ever born, you are the most so, +Charlotte.' 'Certainly, certainly, have it your own way, pray. +You see how much _I_ contradict you,' rejoins the lady. 'Of +course, you didn't contradict me at dinner-time--oh no, not you!' +says the gentleman. 'Yes, I did,' says the lady. 'Oh, you did,' +cries the gentleman 'you admit that?' 'If you call that +contradiction, I do,' the lady answers; 'and I say again, Edward, +that when I know you are wrong, I will contradict you. I am not +your slave.' 'Not my slave!' repeats the gentleman bitterly; 'and +you still mean to say that in the Blackburns' new house there are +not more than fourteen doors, including the door of the wine- +cellar!' 'I mean to say,' retorts the lady, beating time with her +hair-brush on the palm of her hand, 'that in that house there are +fourteen doors and no more.' 'Well then--' cries the gentleman, +rising in despair, and pacing the room with rapid strides. 'By G-, +this is enough to destroy a man's intellect, and drive him mad!' + +By and by the gentleman comes-to a little, and passing his hand +gloomily across his forehead, reseats himself in his former chair. +There is a long silence, and this time the lady begins. 'I +appealed to Mr. Jenkins, who sat next to me on the sofa in the +drawing-room during tea--' 'Morgan, you mean,' interrupts the +gentleman. 'I do not mean anything of the kind,' answers the lady. +'Now, by all that is aggravating and impossible to bear,' cries the +gentleman, clenching his hands and looking upwards in agony, 'she +is going to insist upon it that Morgan is Jenkins!' 'Do you take +me for a perfect fool?' exclaims the lady; 'do you suppose I don't +know the one from the other? Do you suppose I don't know that the +man in the blue coat was Mr. Jenkins?' 'Jenkins in a blue coat!' +cries the gentleman with a groan; 'Jenkins in a blue coat! a man +who would suffer death rather than wear anything but brown!' 'Do +you dare to charge me with telling an untruth?' demands the lady, +bursting into tears. 'I charge you, ma'am,' retorts the gentleman, +starting up, 'with being a monster of contradiction, a monster of +aggravation, a--a--a--Jenkins in a blue coat!--what have I done +that I should be doomed to hear such statements!' + +Expressing himself with great scorn and anguish, the gentleman +takes up his candle and stalks off to bed, where feigning to be +fast asleep when the lady comes up-stairs drowned in tears, +murmuring lamentations over her hard fate and indistinct intentions +of consulting her brothers, he undergoes the secret torture of +hearing her exclaim between whiles, 'I know there are only fourteen +doors in the house, I know it was Mr. Jenkins, I know he had a blue +coat on, and I would say it as positively as I do now, if they were +the last words I had to speak!' + +If the contradictory couple are blessed with children, they are not +the less contradictory on that account. Master James and Miss +Charlotte present themselves after dinner, and being in perfect +good humour, and finding their parents in the same amiable state, +augur from these appearances half a glass of wine a-piece and other +extraordinary indulgences. But unfortunately Master James, growing +talkative upon such prospects, asks his mamma how tall Mrs. Parsons +is, and whether she is not six feet high; to which his mamma +replies, 'Yes, she should think she was, for Mrs. Parsons is a very +tall lady indeed; quite a giantess.' 'For Heaven's sake, +Charlotte,' cries her husband, 'do not tell the child such +preposterous nonsense. Six feet high!' 'Well,' replies the lady, +'surely I may be permitted to have an opinion; my opinion is, that +she is six feet high--at least six feet.' 'Now you know, +Charlotte,' retorts the gentleman sternly, 'that that is NOT your +opinion--that you have no such idea--and that you only say this for +the sake of contradiction.' 'You are exceedingly polite,' his wife +replies; 'to be wrong about such a paltry question as anybody's +height, would be no great crime; but I say again, that I believe +Mrs. Parsons to be six feet--more than six feet; nay, I believe you +know her to be full six feet, and only say she is not, because I +say she is.' This taunt disposes the gentleman to become violent, +but he cheeks himself, and is content to mutter, in a haughty tone, +'Six feet--ha! ha! Mrs. Parsons six feet!' and the lady answers, +'Yes, six feet. I am sure I am glad you are amused, and I'll say +it again--six feet.' Thus the subject gradually drops off, and the +contradiction begins to be forgotten, when Master James, with some +undefined notion of making himself agreeable, and putting things to +rights again, unfortunately asks his mamma what the moon's made of; +which gives her occasion to say that he had better not ask her, for +she is always wrong and never can be right; that he only exposes +her to contradiction by asking any question of her; and that he had +better ask his papa, who is infallible, and never can be wrong. +Papa, smarting under this attack, gives a terrible pull at the +bell, and says, that if the conversation is to proceed in this way, +the children had better be removed. Removed they are, after a few +tears and many struggles; and Pa having looked at Ma sideways for a +minute or two, with a baleful eye, draws his pocket-handkerchief +over his face, and composes himself for his after-dinner nap. + +The friends of the contradictory couple often deplore their +frequent disputes, though they rather make light of them at the +same time: observing, that there is no doubt they are very much +attached to each other, and that they never quarrel except about +trifles. But neither the friends of the contradictory couple, nor +the contradictory couple themselves, reflect, that as the most +stupendous objects in nature are but vast collections of minute +particles, so the slightest and least considered trifles make up +the sum of human happiness or misery. + + + +THE COUPLE WHO DOTE UPON THEIR CHILDREN + + + +The couple who dote upon their children have usually a great many +of them: six or eight at least. The children are either the +healthiest in all the world, or the most unfortunate in existence. +In either case, they are equally the theme of their doting parents, +and equally a source of mental anguish and irritation to their +doting parents' friends. + +The couple who dote upon their children recognise no dates but +those connected with their births, accidents, illnesses, or +remarkable deeds. They keep a mental almanack with a vast number +of Innocents'-days, all in red letters. They recollect the last +coronation, because on that day little Tom fell down the kitchen +stairs; the anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot, because it was on +the fifth of November that Ned asked whether wooden legs were made +in heaven and cocked hats grew in gardens. Mrs. Whiffler will +never cease to recollect the last day of the old year as long as +she lives, for it was on that day that the baby had the four red +spots on its nose which they took for measles: nor Christmas-day, +for twenty-one days after Christmas-day the twins were born; nor +Good Friday, for it was on a Good Friday that she was frightened by +the donkey-cart when she was in the family way with Georgiana. The +movable feasts have no motion for Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler, but remain +pinned down tight and fast to the shoulders of some small child, +from whom they can never be separated any more. Time was made, +according to their creed, not for slaves but for girls and boys; +the restless sands in his glass are but little children at play. + +As we have already intimated, the children of this couple can know +no medium. They are either prodigies of good health or prodigies +of bad health; whatever they are, they must be prodigies. Mr. +Whiffler must have to describe at his office such excruciating +agonies constantly undergone by his eldest boy, as nobody else's +eldest boy ever underwent; or he must be able to declare that there +never was a child endowed with such amazing health, such an +indomitable constitution, and such a cast-iron frame, as his child. +His children must be, in some respect or other, above and beyond +the children of all other people. To such an extent is this +feeling pushed, that we were once slightly acquainted with a lady +and gentleman who carried their heads so high and became so proud +after their youngest child fell out of a two-pair-of-stairs window +without hurting himself much, that the greater part of their +friends were obliged to forego their acquaintance. But perhaps +this may be an extreme case, and one not justly entitled to be +considered as a precedent of general application. + +If a friend happen to dine in a friendly way with one of these +couples who dote upon their children, it is nearly impossible for +him to divert the conversation from their favourite topic. +Everything reminds Mr. Whiffler of Ned, or Mrs. Whiffler of Mary +Anne, or of the time before Ned was born, or the time before Mary +Anne was thought of. The slightest remark, however harmless in +itself, will awaken slumbering recollections of the twins. It is +impossible to steer clear of them. They will come uppermost, let +the poor man do what he may. Ned has been known to be lost sight +of for half an hour, Dick has been forgotten, the name of Mary Anne +has not been mentioned, but the twins will out. Nothing can keep +down the twins. + +'It's a very extraordinary thing, Saunders,' says Mr. Whiffler to +the visitor, 'but--you have seen our little babies, the--the-- +twins?' The friend's heart sinks within him as he answers, 'Oh, +yes--often.' 'Your talking of the Pyramids,' says Mr. Whiffler, +quite as a matter of course, 'reminds me of the twins. It's a very +extraordinary thing about those babies--what colour should you say +their eyes were?' 'Upon my word,' the friend stammers, 'I hardly +know how to answer'--the fact being, that except as the friend does +not remember to have heard of any departure from the ordinary +course of nature in the instance of these twins, they might have no +eyes at all for aught he has observed to the contrary. 'You +wouldn't say they were red, I suppose?' says Mr. Whiffler. The +friend hesitates, and rather thinks they are; but inferring from +the expression of Mr. Whiffler's face that red is not the colour, +smiles with some confidence, and says, 'No, no! very different from +that.' 'What should you say to blue?' says Mr. Whiffler. The +friend glances at him, and observing a different expression in his +face, ventures to say, 'I should say they WERE blue--a decided +blue.' 'To be sure!' cries Mr. Whiffler, triumphantly, 'I knew you +would! But what should you say if I was to tell you that the boy's +eyes are blue and the girl's hazel, eh?' 'Impossible!' exclaims +the friend, not at all knowing why it should be impossible. 'A +fact, notwithstanding,' cries Mr. Whiffler; 'and let me tell you, +Saunders, THAT'S not a common thing in twins, or a circumstance +that'll happen every day.' + +In this dialogue Mrs. Whiffler, as being deeply responsible for the +twins, their charms and singularities, has taken no share; but she +now relates, in broken English, a witticism of little Dick's +bearing upon the subject just discussed, which delights Mr. +Whiffler beyond measure, and causes him to declare that he would +have sworn that was Dick's if he had heard it anywhere. Then he +requests that Mrs. Whiffler will tell Saunders what Tom said about +mad bulls; and Mrs. Whiffler relating the anecdote, a discussion +ensues upon the different character of Tom's wit and Dick's wit, +from which it appears that Dick's humour is of a lively turn, while +Tom's style is the dry and caustic. This discussion being +enlivened by various illustrations, lasts a long time, and is only +stopped by Mrs. Whiffler instructing the footman to ring the +nursery bell, as the children were promised that they should come +down and taste the pudding. + +The friend turns pale when this order is given, and paler still +when it is followed up by a great pattering on the staircase, (not +unlike the sound of rain upon a skylight,) a violent bursting open +of the dining-room door, and the tumultuous appearance of six small +children, closely succeeded by a strong nursery-maid with a twin in +each arm. As the whole eight are screaming, shouting, or kicking-- +some influenced by a ravenous appetite, some by a horror of the +stranger, and some by a conflict of the two feelings--a pretty long +space elapses before all their heads can be ranged round the table +and anything like order restored; in bringing about which happy +state of things both the nurse and footman are severely scratched. +At length Mrs. Whiffler is heard to say, 'Mr. Saunders, shall I +give you some pudding?' A breathless silence ensues, and sixteen +small eyes are fixed upon the guest in expectation of his reply. A +wild shout of joy proclaims that he has said 'No, thank you.' +Spoons are waved in the air, legs appear above the table-cloth in +uncontrollable ecstasy, and eighty short fingers dabble in damson +syrup. + +While the pudding is being disposed of, Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler look +on with beaming countenances, and Mr. Whiffler nudging his friend +Saunders, begs him to take notice of Tom's eyes, or Dick's chin, or +Ned's nose, or Mary Anne's hair, or Emily's figure, or little Bob's +calves, or Fanny's mouth, or Carry's head, as the case may be. +Whatever the attention of Mr. Saunders is called to, Mr. Saunders +admires of course; though he is rather confused about the sex of +the youngest branches and looks at the wrong children, turning to a +girl when Mr. Whiffler directs his attention to a boy, and falling +into raptures with a boy when he ought to be enchanted with a girl. +Then the dessert comes, and there is a vast deal of scrambling +after fruit, and sudden spirting forth of juice out of tight +oranges into infant eyes, and much screeching and wailing in +consequence. At length it becomes time for Mrs. Whiffler to +retire, and all the children are by force of arms compelled to kiss +and love Mr. Saunders before going up-stairs, except Tom, who, +lying on his back in the hall, proclaims that Mr. Saunders 'is a +naughty beast;' and Dick, who having drunk his father's wine when +he was looking another way, is found to be intoxicated and is +carried out, very limp and helpless. + +Mr. Whiffler and his friend are left alone together, but Mr. +Whiffler's thoughts are still with his family, if his family are +not with him. 'Saunders,' says he, after a short silence, 'if you +please, we'll drink Mrs. Whiffler and the children.' Mr. Saunders +feels this to be a reproach against himself for not proposing the +same sentiment, and drinks it in some confusion. 'Ah!' Mr. +Whiffler sighs, 'these children, Saunders, make one quite an old +man.' Mr. Saunders thinks that if they were his, they would make +him a very old man; but he says nothing. 'And yet,' pursues Mr. +Whiffler, 'what can equal domestic happiness? what can equal the +engaging ways of children! Saunders, why don't you get married?' +Now, this is an embarrassing question, because Mr. Saunders has +been thinking that if he had at any time entertained matrimonial +designs, the revelation of that day would surely have routed them +for ever. 'I am glad, however,' says Mr. Whiffler, 'that you ARE a +bachelor,--glad on one account, Saunders; a selfish one, I admit. +Will you do Mrs. Whiffler and myself a favour?' Mr. Saunders is +surprised--evidently surprised; but he replies, 'with the greatest +pleasure.' 'Then, will you, Saunders,' says Mr. Whiffler, in an +impressive manner, 'will you cement and consolidate our friendship +by coming into the family (so to speak) as a godfather?' 'I shall +be proud and delighted,' replies Mr. Saunders: 'which of the +children is it? really, I thought they were all christened; or--' +'Saunders,' Mr. Whiffler interposes, 'they ARE all christened; you +are right. The fact is, that Mrs. Whiffler is--in short, we expect +another.' 'Not a ninth!' cries the friend, all aghast at the idea. +'Yes, Saunders,' rejoins Mr. Whiffler, solemnly, 'a ninth. Did we +drink Mrs. Whiffler's health? Let us drink it again, Saunders, and +wish her well over it!' + +Doctor Johnson used to tell a story of a man who had but one idea, +which was a wrong one. The couple who dote upon their children are +in the same predicament: at home or abroad, at all times, and in +all places, their thoughts are bound up in this one subject, and +have no sphere beyond. They relate the clever things their +offspring say or do, and weary every company with their prolixity +and absurdity. Mr. Whiffler takes a friend by the button at a +street corner on a windy day to tell him a bon mot of his youngest +boy's; and Mrs. Whiffler, calling to see a sick acquaintance, +entertains her with a cheerful account of all her own past +sufferings and present expectations. In such cases the sins of the +fathers indeed descend upon the children; for people soon come to +regard them as predestined little bores. The couple who dote upon +their children cannot be said to be actuated by a general love for +these engaging little people (which would be a great excuse); for +they are apt to underrate and entertain a jealousy of any children +but their own. If they examined their own hearts, they would, +perhaps, find at the bottom of all this, more self-love and egotism +than they think of. Self-love and egotism are bad qualities, of +which the unrestrained exhibition, though it may be sometimes +amusing, never fails to be wearisome and unpleasant. Couples who +dote upon their children, therefore, are best avoided. + + + +THE COOL COUPLE + + + +There is an old-fashioned weather-glass representing a house with +two doorways, in one of which is the figure of a gentleman, in the +other the figure of a lady. When the weather is to be fine the +lady comes out and the gentleman goes in; when wet, the gentleman +comes out and the lady goes in. They never seek each other's +society, are never elevated and depressed by the same cause, and +have nothing in common. They are the model of a cool couple, +except that there is something of politeness and consideration +about the behaviour of the gentleman in the weather-glass, in +which, neither of the cool couple can be said to participate. + +The cool couple are seldom alone together, and when they are, +nothing can exceed their apathy and dulness: the gentleman being +for the most part drowsy, and the lady silent. If they enter into +conversation, it is usually of an ironical or recriminatory nature. +Thus, when the gentleman has indulged in a very long yawn and +settled himself more snugly in his easy-chair, the lady will +perhaps remark, 'Well, I am sure, Charles! I hope you're +comfortable.' To which the gentleman replies, 'Oh yes, he's quite +comfortable quite.' 'There are not many married men, I hope,' +returns the lady, 'who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications +as you do.' 'Nor many wives who seek comfort in such selfish +gratifications as YOU do, I hope,' retorts the gentleman. 'Whose +fault is that?' demands the lady. The gentleman becoming more +sleepy, returns no answer. 'Whose fault is that?' the lady +repeats. The gentleman still returning no answer, she goes on to +say that she believes there never was in all this world anybody so +attached to her home, so thoroughly domestic, so unwilling to seek +a moment's gratification or pleasure beyond her own fireside as +she. God knows that before she was married she never thought or +dreamt of such a thing; and she remembers that her poor papa used +to say again and again, almost every day of his life, 'Oh, my dear +Louisa, if you only marry a man who understands you, and takes the +trouble to consider your happiness and accommodate himself a very +little to your disposition, what a treasure he will find in you!' +She supposes her papa knew what her disposition was--he had known +her long enough--he ought to have been acquainted with it, but what +can she do? If her home is always dull and lonely, and her husband +is always absent and finds no pleasure in her society, she is +naturally sometimes driven (seldom enough, she is sure) to seek a +little recreation elsewhere; she is not expected to pine and mope +to death, she hopes. 'Then come, Louisa,' says the gentleman, +waking up as suddenly as he fell asleep, 'stop at home this +evening, and so will I.' 'I should be sorry to suppose, Charles, +that you took a pleasure in aggravating me,' replies the lady; 'but +you know as well as I do that I am particularly engaged to Mrs. +Mortimer, and that it would be an act of the grossest rudeness and +ill-breeding, after accepting a seat in her box and preventing her +from inviting anybody else, not to go.' 'Ah! there it is!' says +the gentleman, shrugging his shoulders, 'I knew that perfectly +well. I knew you couldn't devote an evening to your own home. Now +all I have to say, Louisa, is this--recollect that _I_ was quite +willing to stay at home, and that it's no fault of MINE we are not +oftener together.' + +With that the gentleman goes away to keep an old appointment at his +club, and the lady hurries off to dress for Mrs. Mortimer's; and +neither thinks of the other until by some odd chance they find +themselves alone again. + +But it must not be supposed that the cool couple are habitually a +quarrelsome one. Quite the contrary. These differences are only +occasions for a little self-excuse,--nothing more. In general they +are as easy and careless, and dispute as seldom, as any common +acquaintances may; for it is neither worth their while to put each +other out of the way, nor to ruffle themselves. + +When they meet in society, the cool couple are the best-bred people +in existence. The lady is seated in a corner among a little knot +of lady friends, one of whom exclaims, 'Why, I vow and declare +there is your husband, my dear!' 'Whose?--mine?' she says, +carelessly. 'Ay, yours, and coming this way too.' 'How very odd!' +says the lady, in a languid tone, 'I thought he had been at Dover.' +The gentleman coming up, and speaking to all the other ladies and +nodding slightly to his wife, it turns out that he has been at +Dover, and has just now returned. 'What a strange creature you +are!' cries his wife; 'and what on earth brought you here, I +wonder?' 'I came to look after you, OF COURSE,' rejoins her +husband. This is so pleasant a jest that the lady is mightily +amused, as are all the other ladies similarly situated who are +within hearing; and while they are enjoying it to the full, the +gentleman nods again, turns upon his heel, and saunters away. + +There are times, however, when his company is not so agreeable, +though equally unexpected; such as when the lady has invited one or +two particular friends to tea and scandal, and he happens to come +home in the very midst of their diversion. It is a hundred chances +to one that he remains in the house half an hour, but the lady is +rather disturbed by the intrusion, notwithstanding, and reasons +within herself,--'I am sure I never interfere with him, and why +should he interfere with me? It can scarcely be accidental; it +never happens that I have a particular reason for not wishing him +to come home, but he always comes. It's very provoking and +tiresome; and I am sure when he leaves me so much alone for his own +pleasure, the least he could do would be to do as much for mine.' +Observing what passes in her mind, the gentleman, who has come home +for his own accommodation, makes a merit of it with himself; +arrives at the conclusion that it is the very last place in which +he can hope to be comfortable; and determines, as he takes up his +hat and cane, never to be so virtuous again. + +Thus a great many cool couples go on until they are cold couples, +and the grave has closed over their folly and indifference. Loss +of name, station, character, life itself, has ensued from causes as +slight as these, before now; and when gossips tell such tales, and +aggravate their deformities, they elevate their hands and eyebrows, +and call each other to witness what a cool couple Mr. and Mrs. So- +and-so always were, even in the best of times. + + + +THE PLAUSIBLE COUPLE + + + +The plausible couple have many titles. They are 'a delightful +couple,' an 'affectionate couple,' 'a most agreeable couple, 'a +good-hearted couple,' and 'the best-natured couple in existence.' +The truth is, that the plausible couple are people of the world; +and either the way of pleasing the world has grown much easier than +it was in the days of the old man and his ass, or the old man was +but a bad hand at it, and knew very little of the trade. + +'But is it really possible to please the world!' says some doubting +reader. It is indeed. Nay, it is not only very possible, but very +easy. The ways are crooked, and sometimes foul and low. What +then? A man need but crawl upon his hands and knees, know when to +close his eyes and when his ears, when to stoop and when to stand +upright; and if by the world is meant that atom of it in which he +moves himself, he shall please it, never fear. + +Now, it will be readily seen, that if a plausible man or woman have +an easy means of pleasing the world by an adaptation of self to all +its twistings and twinings, a plausible man AND woman, or, in other +words, a plausible couple, playing into each other's hands, and +acting in concert, have a manifest advantage. Hence it is that +plausible couples scarcely ever fail of success on a pretty large +scale; and hence it is that if the reader, laying down this +unwieldy volume at the next full stop, will have the goodness to +review his or her circle of acquaintance, and to search +particularly for some man and wife with a large connexion and a +good name, not easily referable to their abilities or their wealth, +he or she (that is, the male or female reader) will certainly find +that gentleman or lady, on a very short reflection, to be a +plausible couple. + +The plausible couple are the most ecstatic people living: the most +sensitive people--to merit--on the face of the earth. Nothing +clever or virtuous escapes them. They have microscopic eyes for +such endowments, and can find them anywhere. The plausible couple +never fawn--oh no! They don't even scruple to tell their friends +of their faults. One is too generous, another too candid; a third +has a tendency to think all people like himself, and to regard +mankind as a company of angels; a fourth is kind-hearted to a +fault. 'We never flatter, my dear Mrs. Jackson,' say the plausible +couple; 'we speak our minds. Neither you nor Mr. Jackson have +faults enough. It may sound strangely, but it is true. You have +not faults enough. You know our way,--we must speak out, and +always do. Quarrel with us for saying so, if you will; but we +repeat it,--you have not faults enough!' + +The plausible couple are no less plausible to each other than to +third parties. They are always loving and harmonious. The +plausible gentleman calls his wife 'darling,' and the plausible +lady addresses him as 'dearest.' If it be Mr. and Mrs. Bobtail +Widger, Mrs. Widger is 'Lavinia, darling,' and Mr. Widger is +'Bobtail, dearest.' Speaking of each other, they observe the same +tender form. Mrs. Widger relates what 'Bobtail' said, and Mr. +Widger recounts what 'darling' thought and did. + +If you sit next to the plausible lady at a dinner-table, she takes +the earliest opportunity of expressing her belief that you are +acquainted with the Clickits; she is sure she has heard the +Clickits speak of you--she must not tell you in what terms, or you +will take her for a flatterer. You admit a knowledge of the +Clickits; the plausible lady immediately launches out in their +praise. She quite loves the Clickits. Were there ever such true- +hearted, hospitable, excellent people--such a gentle, interesting +little woman as Mrs. Clickit, or such a frank, unaffected creature +as Mr. Clickit? were there ever two people, in short, so little +spoiled by the world as they are? 'As who, darling?' cries Mr. +Widger, from the opposite side of the table. 'The Clickits, +dearest,' replies Mrs. Widger. 'Indeed you are right, darling,' +Mr. Widger rejoins; 'the Clickits are a very high-minded, worthy, +estimable couple.' Mrs. Widger remarking that Bobtail always grows +quite eloquent upon this subject, Mr. Widger admits that he feels +very strongly whenever such people as the Clickits and some other +friends of his (here he glances at the host and hostess) are +mentioned; for they are an honour to human nature, and do one good +to think of. 'YOU know the Clickits, Mrs. Jackson?' he says, +addressing the lady of the house. 'No, indeed; we have not that +pleasure,' she replies. 'You astonish me!' exclaims Mr. Widger: +'not know the Clickits! why, you are the very people of all others +who ought to be their bosom friends. You are kindred beings; you +are one and the same thing:- not know the Clickits! Now WILL you +know the Clickits? Will you make a point of knowing them? Will +you meet them in a friendly way at our house one evening, and be +acquainted with them?' Mrs. Jackson will be quite delighted; +nothing would give her more pleasure. 'Then, Lavinia, my darling,' +says Mr. Widger, 'mind you don't lose sight of that; now, pray take +care that Mr. and Mrs. Jackson know the Clickits without loss of +time. Such people ought not to be strangers to each other.' Mrs. +Widger books both families as the centre of attraction for her next +party; and Mr. Widger, going on to expatiate upon the virtues of +the Clickits, adds to their other moral qualities, that they keep +one of the neatest phaetons in town, and have two thousand a year. + +As the plausible couple never laud the merits of any absent person, +without dexterously contriving that their praises shall reflect +upon somebody who is present, so they never depreciate anything or +anybody, without turning their depreciation to the same account. +Their friend, Mr. Slummery, say they, is unquestionably a clever +painter, and would no doubt be very popular, and sell his pictures +at a very high price, if that cruel Mr. Fithers had not forestalled +him in his department of art, and made it thoroughly and completely +his own;--Fithers, it is to be observed, being present and within +hearing, and Slummery elsewhere. Is Mrs. Tabblewick really as +beautiful as people say? Why, there indeed you ask them a very +puzzling question, because there is no doubt that she is a very +charming woman, and they have long known her intimately. She is no +doubt beautiful, very beautiful; they once thought her the most +beautiful woman ever seen; still if you press them for an honest +answer, they are bound to say that this was before they had ever +seen our lovely friend on the sofa, (the sofa is hard by, and our +lovely friend can't help hearing the whispers in which this is +said;) since that time, perhaps, they have been hardly fair judges; +Mrs. Tabblewick is no doubt extremely handsome,--very like our +friend, in fact, in the form of the features,--but in point of +expression, and soul, and figure, and air altogether--oh dear! + +But while the plausible couple depreciate, they are still careful +to preserve their character for amiability and kind feeling; indeed +the depreciation itself is often made to grow out of their +excessive sympathy and good will. The plausible lady calls on a +lady who dotes upon her children, and is sitting with a little girl +upon her knee, enraptured by her artless replies, and protesting +that there is nothing she delights in so much as conversing with +these fairies; when the other lady inquires if she has seen young +Mrs. Finching lately, and whether the baby has turned out a finer +one than it promised to be. 'Oh dear!' cries the plausible lady, +'you cannot think how often Bobtail and I have talked about poor +Mrs. Finching--she is such a dear soul, and was so anxious that the +baby should be a fine child--and very naturally, because she was +very much here at one time, and there is, you know, a natural +emulation among mothers--that it is impossible to tell you how much +we have felt for her.' 'Is it weak or plain, or what?' inquires +the other. 'Weak or plain, my love,' returns the plausible lady, +'it's a fright--a perfect little fright; you never saw such a +miserable creature in all your days. Positively you must not let +her see one of these beautiful dears again, or you'll break her +heart, you will indeed.--Heaven bless this child, see how she is +looking in my face! can you conceive anything prettier than that? +If poor Mrs. Finching could only hope--but that's impossible--and +the gifts of Providence, you know--What DID I do with my pocket- +handkerchief!' + +What prompts the mother, who dotes upon her children, to comment to +her lord that evening on the plausible lady's engaging qualities +and feeling heart, and what is it that procures Mr. and Mrs. +Bobtail Widger an immediate invitation to dinner? + + + +THE NICE LITTLE COUPLE + + + +A custom once prevailed in old-fashioned circles, that when a lady +or gentleman was unable to sing a song, he or she should enliven +the company with a story. As we find ourself in the predicament of +not being able to describe (to our own satisfaction) nice little +couples in the abstract, we purpose telling in this place a little +story about a nice little couple of our acquaintance. + +Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup are the nice little couple in question. Mr. +Chirrup has the smartness, and something of the brisk, quick manner +of a small bird. Mrs. Chirrup is the prettiest of all little +women, and has the prettiest little figure conceivable. She has +the neatest little foot, and the softest little voice, and the +pleasantest little smile, and the tidiest little curls, and the +brightest little eyes, and the quietest little manner, and is, in +short, altogether one of the most engaging of all little women, +dead or alive. She is a condensation of all the domestic virtues,- +-a pocket edition of the young man's best companion,--a little +woman at a very high pressure, with an amazing quantity of goodness +and usefulness in an exceedingly small space. Little as she is, +Mrs. Chirrup might furnish forth matter for the moral equipment of +a score of housewives, six feet high in their stockings--if, in the +presence of ladies, we may be allowed the expression--and of +corresponding robustness. + +Nobody knows all this better than Mr. Chirrup, though he rather +takes on that he don't. Accordingly he is very proud of his +better-half, and evidently considers himself, as all other people +consider him, rather fortunate in having her to wife. We say +evidently, because Mr. Chirrup is a warm-hearted little fellow; and +if you catch his eye when he has been slyly glancing at Mrs. +Chirrup in company, there is a certain complacent twinkle in it, +accompanied, perhaps, by a half-expressed toss of the head, which +as clearly indicates what has been passing in his mind as if he had +put it into words, and shouted it out through a speaking-trumpet. +Moreover, Mr. Chirrup has a particularly mild and bird-like manner +of calling Mrs. Chirrup 'my dear;' and--for he is of a jocose turn- +-of cutting little witticisms upon her, and making her the subject +of various harmless pleasantries, which nobody enjoys more +thoroughly than Mrs. Chirrup herself. Mr. Chirrup, too, now and +then affects to deplore his bachelor-days, and to bemoan (with a +marvellously contented and smirking face) the loss of his freedom, +and the sorrow of his heart at having been taken captive by Mrs. +Chirrup--all of which circumstances combine to show the secret +triumph and satisfaction of Mr. Chirrup's soul. + +We have already had occasion to observe that Mrs. Chirrup is an +incomparable housewife. In all the arts of domestic arrangement +and management, in all the mysteries of confectionery-making, +pickling, and preserving, never was such a thorough adept as that +nice little body. She is, besides, a cunning worker in muslin and +fine linen, and a special hand at marketing to the very best +advantage. But if there be one branch of housekeeping in which she +excels to an utterly unparalleled and unprecedented extent, it is +in the important one of carving. A roast goose is universally +allowed to be the great stumbling-block in the way of young +aspirants to perfection in this department of science; many +promising carvers, beginning with legs of mutton, and preserving a +good reputation through fillets of veal, sirloins of beef, quarters +of lamb, fowls, and even ducks, have sunk before a roast goose, and +lost caste and character for ever. To Mrs. Chirrup the resolving a +goose into its smallest component parts is a pleasant pastime--a +practical joke--a thing to be done in a minute or so, without the +smallest interruption to the conversation of the time. No handing +the dish over to an unfortunate man upon her right or left, no wild +sharpening of the knife, no hacking and sawing at an unruly joint, +no noise, no splash, no heat, no leaving off in despair; all is +confidence and cheerfulness. The dish is set upon the table, the +cover is removed; for an instant, and only an instant, you observe +that Mrs. Chirrup's attention is distracted; she smiles, but +heareth not. You proceed with your story; meanwhile the glittering +knife is slowly upraised, both Mrs. Chirrup's wrists are slightly +but not ungracefully agitated, she compresses her lips for an +instant, then breaks into a smile, and all is over. The legs of +the bird slide gently down into a pool of gravy, the wings seem to +melt from the body, the breast separates into a row of juicy +slices, the smaller and more complicated parts of his anatomy are +perfectly developed, a cavern of stuffing is revealed, and the +goose is gone! + +To dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup is one of the pleasantest things +in the world. Mr. Chirrup has a bachelor friend, who lived with +him in his own days of single blessedness, and to whom he is +mightily attached. Contrary to the usual custom, this bachelor +friend is no less a friend of Mrs. Chirrup's, and, consequently, +whenever you dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup, you meet the bachelor +friend. It would put any reasonably-conditioned mortal into good- +humour to observe the entire unanimity which subsists between these +three; but there is a quiet welcome dimpling in Mrs. Chirrup's +face, a bustling hospitality oozing as it were out of the +waistcoat-pockets of Mr. Chirrup, and a patronising enjoyment of +their cordiality and satisfaction on the part of the bachelor +friend, which is quite delightful. On these occasions Mr. Chirrup +usually takes an opportunity of rallying the friend on being +single, and the friend retorts on Mr. Chirrup for being married, at +which moments some single young ladies present are like to die of +laughter; and we have more than once observed them bestow looks +upon the friend, which convinces us that his position is by no +means a safe one, as, indeed, we hold no bachelor's to be who +visits married friends and cracks jokes on wedlock, for certain it +is that such men walk among traps and nets and pitfalls +innumerable, and often find themselves down upon their knees at the +altar rails, taking M. or N. for their wedded wives, before they +know anything about the matter. + +However, this is no business of Mr. Chirrup's, who talks, and +laughs, and drinks his wine, and laughs again, and talks more, +until it is time to repair to the drawing-room, where, coffee +served and over, Mrs. Chirrup prepares for a round game, by sorting +the nicest possible little fish into the nicest possible little +pools, and calling Mr. Chirrup to assist her, which Mr. Chirrup +does. As they stand side by side, you find that Mr. Chirrup is the +least possible shadow of a shade taller than Mrs. Chirrup, and that +they are the neatest and best-matched little couple that can be, +which the chances are ten to one against your observing with such +effect at any other time, unless you see them in the street arm-in- +arm, or meet them some rainy day trotting along under a very small +umbrella. The round game (at which Mr. Chirrup is the merriest of +the party) being done and over, in course of time a nice little +tray appears, on which is a nice little supper; and when that is +finished likewise, and you have said 'Good night,' you find +yourself repeating a dozen times, as you ride home, that there +never was such a nice little couple as Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup. + +Whether it is that pleasant qualities, being packed more closely in +small bodies than in large, come more readily to hand than when +they are diffused over a wider space, and have to be gathered +together for use, we don't know, but as a general rule,-- +strengthened like all other rules by its exceptions,--we hold that +little people are sprightly and good-natured. The more sprightly +and good-natured people we have, the better; therefore, let us wish +well to all nice little couples, and hope that they may increase +and multiply. + + + +THE EGOTISTICAL COUPLE + + + +Egotism in couples is of two kinds.--It is our purpose to show this +by two examples. + +The egotistical couple may be young, old, middle-aged, well to do, +or ill to do; they may have a small family, a large family, or no +family at all. There is no outward sign by which an egotistical +couple may be known and avoided. They come upon you unawares; +there is no guarding against them. No man can of himself be +forewarned or forearmed against an egotistical couple. + +The egotistical couple have undergone every calamity, and +experienced every pleasurable and painful sensation of which our +nature is susceptible. You cannot by possibility tell the +egotistical couple anything they don't know, or describe to them +anything they have not felt. They have been everything but dead. +Sometimes we are tempted to wish they had been even that, but only +in our uncharitable moments, which are few and far between. + +We happened the other day, in the course of a morning call, to +encounter an egotistical couple, nor were we suffered to remain +long in ignorance of the fact, for our very first inquiry of the +lady of the house brought them into active and vigorous operation. +The inquiry was of course touching the lady's health, and the +answer happened to be, that she had not been very well. 'Oh, my +dear!' said the egotistical lady, 'don't talk of not being well. +We have been in SUCH a state since we saw you last!'--The lady of +the house happening to remark that her lord had not been well +either, the egotistical gentleman struck in: 'Never let Briggs +complain of not being well--never let Briggs complain, my dear Mrs. +Briggs, after what I have undergone within these six weeks. He +doesn't know what it is to be ill, he hasn't the least idea of it; +not the faintest conception.'--'My dear,' interposed his wife +smiling, 'you talk as if it were almost a crime in Mr. Briggs not +to have been as ill as we have been, instead of feeling thankful to +Providence that both he and our dear Mrs. Briggs are in such +blissful ignorance of real suffering.'--'My love,' returned the +egotistical gentleman, in a low and pious voice, 'you mistake me;-- +I feel grateful--very grateful. I trust our friends may never +purchase their experience as dearly as we have bought ours; I hope +they never may!' + +Having put down Mrs. Briggs upon this theme, and settled the +question thus, the egotistical gentleman turned to us, and, after a +few preliminary remarks, all tending towards and leading up to the +point he had in his mind, inquired if we happened to be acquainted +with the Dowager Lady Snorflerer. On our replying in the negative, +he presumed we had often met Lord Slang, or beyond all doubt, that +we were on intimate terms with Sir Chipkins Glogwog. Finding that +we were equally unable to lay claim to either of these +distinctions, he expressed great astonishment, and turning to his +wife with a retrospective smile, inquired who it was that had told +that capital story about the mashed potatoes. 'Who, my dear?' +returned the egotistical lady, 'why Sir Chipkins, of course; how +can you ask! Don't you remember his applying it to our cook, and +saying that you and I were so like the Prince and Princess, that he +could almost have sworn we were they?' 'To be sure, I remember +that,' said the egotistical gentleman, 'but are you quite certain +that didn't apply to the other anecdote about the Emperor of +Austria and the pump?' 'Upon my word then, I think it did,' +replied his wife. 'To be sure it did,' said the egotistical +gentleman, 'it was Slang's story, I remember now, perfectly.' +However, it turned out, a few seconds afterwards, that the +egotistical gentleman's memory was rather treacherous, as he began +to have a misgiving that the story had been told by the Dowager +Lady Snorflerer the very last time they dined there; but there +appearing, on further consideration, strong circumstantial evidence +tending to show that this couldn't be, inasmuch as the Dowager Lady +Snorflerer had been, on the occasion in question, wholly engrossed +by the egotistical lady, the egotistical gentleman recanted this +opinion; and after laying the story at the doors of a great many +great people, happily left it at last with the Duke of Scuttlewig:- +observing that it was not extraordinary he had forgotten his Grace +hitherto, as it often happened that the names of those with whom we +were upon the most familiar footing were the very last to present +themselves to our thoughts. + +It not only appeared that the egotistical couple knew everybody, +but that scarcely any event of importance or notoriety had occurred +for many years with which they had not been in some way or other +connected. Thus we learned that when the well-known attempt upon +the life of George the Third was made by Hatfield in Drury Lane +theatre, the egotistical gentleman's grandfather sat upon his right +hand and was the first man who collared him; and that the +egotistical lady's aunt, sitting within a few boxes of the royal +party, was the only person in the audience who heard his Majesty +exclaim, 'Charlotte, Charlotte, don't be frightened, don't be +frightened; they're letting off squibs, they're letting off +squibs.' When the fire broke out, which ended in the destruction +of the two Houses of Parliament, the egotistical couple, being at +the time at a drawing-room window on Blackheath, then and there +simultaneously exclaimed, to the astonishment of a whole party-- +'It's the House of Lords!' Nor was this a solitary instance of +their peculiar discernment, for chancing to be (as by a comparison +of dates and circumstances they afterwards found) in the same +omnibus with Mr. Greenacre, when he carried his victim's head about +town in a blue bag, they both remarked a singular twitching in the +muscles of his countenance; and walking down Fish Street Hill, a +few weeks since, the egotistical gentleman said to his lady-- +slightly casting up his eyes to the top of the Monument--'There's a +boy up there, my dear, reading a Bible. It's very strange. I +don't like it.--In five seconds afterwards, Sir,' says the +egotistical gentleman, bringing his hands together with one violent +clap--'the lad was over!' + +Diversifying these topics by the introduction of many others of the +same kind, and entertaining us between whiles with a minute account +of what weather and diet agreed with them, and what weather and +diet disagreed with them, and at what time they usually got up, and +at what time went to bed, with many other particulars of their +domestic economy too numerous to mention; the egotistical couple at +length took their leave, and afforded us an opportunity of doing +the same. + +Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone are an egotistical couple of another +class, for all the lady's egotism is about her husband, and all the +gentleman's about his wife. For example:- Mr. Sliverstone is a +clerical gentleman, and occasionally writes sermons, as clerical +gentlemen do. If you happen to obtain admission at the street-door +while he is so engaged, Mrs. Sliverstone appears on tip-toe, and +speaking in a solemn whisper, as if there were at least three or +four particular friends up-stairs, all upon the point of death, +implores you to be very silent, for Mr. Sliverstone is composing, +and she need not say how very important it is that he should not be +disturbed. Unwilling to interrupt anything so serious, you hasten +to withdraw, with many apologies; but this Mrs. Sliverstone will by +no means allow, observing, that she knows you would like to see +him, as it is very natural you should, and that she is determined +to make a trial for you, as you are a great favourite. So you are +led up-stairs--still on tip-toe--to the door of a little back room, +in which, as the lady informs you in a whisper, Mr. Sliverstone +always writes. No answer being returned to a couple of soft taps, +the lady opens the door, and there, sure enough, is Mr. +Sliverstone, with dishevelled hair, powdering away with pen, ink, +and paper, at a rate which, if he has any power of sustaining it, +would settle the longest sermon in no time. At first he is too +much absorbed to be roused by this intrusion; but presently looking +up, says faintly, 'Ah!' and pointing to his desk with a weary and +languid smile, extends his hand, and hopes you'll forgive him. +Then Mrs. Sliverstone sits down beside him, and taking his hand in +hers, tells you how that Mr. Sliverstone has been shut up there +ever since nine o'clock in the morning, (it is by this time twelve +at noon,) and how she knows it cannot be good for his health, and +is very uneasy about it. Unto this Mr. Sliverstone replies firmly, +that 'It must be done;' which agonizes Mrs. Sliverstone still more, +and she goes on to tell you that such were Mr. Sliverstone's +labours last week--what with the buryings, marryings, churchings, +christenings, and all together,--that when he was going up the +pulpit stairs on Sunday evening, he was obliged to hold on by the +rails, or he would certainly have fallen over into his own pew. +Mr. Sliverstone, who has been listening and smiling meekly, says, +'Not quite so bad as that, not quite so bad!' he admits though, on +cross-examination, that he WAS very near falling upon the verger +who was following him up to bolt the door; but adds, that it was +his duty as a Christian to fall upon him, if need were, and that +he, Mr. Sliverstone, and (possibly the verger too) ought to glory +in it. + +This sentiment communicates new impulse to Mrs. Sliverstone, who +launches into new praises of Mr. Sliverstone's worth and +excellence, to which he listens in the same meek silence, save when +he puts in a word of self-denial relative to some question of fact, +as--'Not seventy-two christenings that week, my dear. Only +seventy-one, only seventy-one.' At length his lady has quite +concluded, and then he says, Why should he repine, why should he +give way, why should he suffer his heart to sink within him? Is it +he alone who toils and suffers? What has she gone through, he +should like to know? What does she go through every day for him +and for society? + +With such an exordium Mr. Sliverstone launches out into glowing +praises of the conduct of Mrs. Sliverstone in the production of +eight young children, and the subsequent rearing and fostering of +the same; and thus the husband magnifies the wife, and the wife the +husband. + +This would be well enough if Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone kept it to +themselves, or even to themselves and a friend or two; but they do +not. The more hearers they have, the more egotistical the couple +become, and the more anxious they are to make believers in their +merits. Perhaps this is the worst kind of egotism. It has not +even the poor excuse of being spontaneous, but is the result of a +deliberate system and malice aforethought. Mere empty-headed +conceit excites our pity, but ostentatious hypocrisy awakens our +disgust. + + + +THE COUPLE WHO CODDLE THEMSELVES + + + +Mrs. Merrywinkle's maiden name was Chopper. She was the only child +of Mr. and Mrs. Chopper. Her father died when she was, as the +play-books express it, 'yet an infant;' and so old Mrs. Chopper, +when her daughter married, made the house of her son-in-law her +home from that time henceforth, and set up her staff of rest with +Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle. + +Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle are a couple who coddle themselves; and +the venerable Mrs. Chopper is an aider and abettor in the same. + +Mr. Merrywinkle is a rather lean and long-necked gentleman, middle- +aged and middle-sized, and usually troubled with a cold in the +head. Mrs. Merrywinkle is a delicate-looking lady, with very light +hair, and is exceedingly subject to the same unpleasant disorder. +The venerable Mrs. Chopper--who is strictly entitled to the +appellation, her daughter not being very young, otherwise than by +courtesy, at the time of her marriage, which was some years ago--is +a mysterious old lady who lurks behind a pair of spectacles, and is +afflicted with a chronic disease, respecting which she has taken a +vast deal of medical advice, and referred to a vast number of +medical books, without meeting any definition of symptoms that at +all suits her, or enables her to say, 'That's my complaint.' +Indeed, the absence of authentic information upon the subject of +this complaint would seem to be Mrs. Chopper's greatest ill, as in +all other respects she is an uncommonly hale and hearty +gentlewoman. + +Both Mr. and Mrs. Chopper wear an extraordinary quantity of +flannel, and have a habit of putting their feet in hot water to an +unnatural extent. They likewise indulge in chamomile tea and such- +like compounds, and rub themselves on the slightest provocation +with camphorated spirits and other lotions applicable to mumps, +sore-throat, rheumatism, or lumbago. + +Mr. Merrywinkle's leaving home to go to business on a damp or wet +morning is a very elaborate affair. He puts on wash-leather socks +over his stockings, and India-rubber shoes above his boots, and +wears under his waistcoat a cuirass of hare-skin. Besides these +precautions, he winds a thick shawl round his throat, and blocks up +his mouth with a large silk handkerchief. Thus accoutred, and +furnished besides with a great-coat and umbrella, he braves the +dangers of the streets; travelling in severe weather at a gentle +trot, the better to preserve the circulation, and bringing his +mouth to the surface to take breath, but very seldom, and with the +utmost caution. His office-door opened, he shoots past his clerk +at the same pace, and diving into his own private room, closes the +door, examines the window-fastenings, and gradually unrobes +himself: hanging his pocket-handkerchief on the fender to air, and +determining to write to the newspapers about the fog, which, he +says, 'has really got to that pitch that it is quite unbearable.' + +In this last opinion Mrs. Merrywinkle and her respected mother +fully concur; for though not present, their thoughts and tongues +are occupied with the same subject, which is their constant theme +all day. If anybody happens to call, Mrs. Merrywinkle opines that +they must assuredly be mad, and her first salutation is, 'Why, what +in the name of goodness can bring you out in such weather? You +know you MUST catch your death.' This assurance is corroborated by +Mrs. Chopper, who adds, in further confirmation, a dismal legend +concerning an individual of her acquaintance who, making a call +under precisely parallel circumstances, and being then in the best +health and spirits, expired in forty-eight hours afterwards, of a +complication of inflammatory disorders. The visitor, rendered not +altogether comfortable perhaps by this and other precedents, +inquires very affectionately after Mr. Merrywinkle, but by so doing +brings about no change of the subject; for Mr. Merrywinkle's name +is inseparably connected with his complaints, and his complaints +are inseparably connected with Mrs. Merrywinkle's; and when these +are done with, Mrs. Chopper, who has been biding her time, cuts in +with the chronic disorder--a subject upon which the amiable old +lady never leaves off speaking until she is left alone, and very +often not then. + +But Mr. Merrywinkle comes home to dinner. He is received by Mrs. +Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper, who, on his remarking that he thinks +his feet are damp, turn pale as ashes and drag him up-stairs, +imploring him to have them rubbed directly with a dry coarse towel. +Rubbed they are, one by Mrs. Merrywinkle and one by Mrs. Chopper, +until the friction causes Mr. Merrywinkle to make horrible faces, +and look as if he had been smelling very powerful onions; when they +desist, and the patient, provided for his better security with +thick worsted stockings and list slippers, is borne down-stairs to +dinner. Now, the dinner is always a good one, the appetites of the +diners being delicate, and requiring a little of what Mrs. +Merrywinkle calls 'tittivation;' the secret of which is understood +to lie in good cookery and tasteful spices, and which process is so +successfully performed in the present instance, that both Mr. and +Mrs. Merrywinkle eat a remarkably good dinner, and even the +afflicted Mrs. Chopper wields her knife and fork with much of the +spirit and elasticity of youth. But Mr. Merrywinkle, in his desire +to gratify his appetite, is not unmindful of his health, for he has +a bottle of carbonate of soda with which to qualify his porter, and +a little pair of scales in which to weigh it out. Neither in his +anxiety to take care of his body is he unmindful of the welfare of +his immortal part, as he always prays that for what he is going to +receive he may be made truly thankful; and in order that he may be +as thankful as possible, eats and drinks to the utmost. + +Either from eating and drinking so much, or from being the victim +of this constitutional infirmity, among others, Mr. Merrywinkle, +after two or three glasses of wine, falls fast asleep; and he has +scarcely closed his eyes, when Mrs. Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper +fall asleep likewise. It is on awakening at tea-time that their +most alarming symptoms prevail; for then Mr. Merrywinkle feels as +if his temples were tightly bound round with the chain of the +street-door, and Mrs. Merrywinkle as if she had made a hearty +dinner of half-hundredweights, and Mrs. Chopper as if cold water +were running down her back, and oyster-knives with sharp points +were plunging of their own accord into her ribs. Symptoms like +these are enough to make people peevish, and no wonder that they +remain so until supper-time, doing little more than doze and +complain, unless Mr. Merrywinkle calls out very loudly to a servant +'to keep that draught out,' or rushes into the passage to flourish +his fist in the countenance of the twopenny-postman, for daring to +give such a knock as he had just performed at the door of a private +gentleman with nerves. + +Supper, coming after dinner, should consist of some gentle +provocative; and therefore the tittivating art is again in +requisition, and again--done honour to by Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, +still comforted and abetted by Mrs. Chopper. After supper, it is +ten to one but the last-named old lady becomes worse, and is led +off to bed with the chronic complaint in full vigour. Mr. and Mrs. +Merrywinkle, having administered to her a warm cordial, which is +something of the strongest, then repair to their own room, where +Mr. Merrywinkle, with his legs and feet in hot water, superintends +the mulling of some wine which he is to drink at the very moment he +plunges into bed, while Mrs. Merrywinkle, in garments whose nature +is unknown to and unimagined by all but married men, takes four +small pills with a spasmodic look between each, and finally comes +to something hot and fragrant out of another little saucepan, which +serves as her composing-draught for the night. + +There is another kind of couple who coddle themselves, and who do +so at a cheaper rate and on more spare diet, because they are +niggardly and parsimonious; for which reason they are kind enough +to coddle their visitors too. It is unnecessary to describe them, +for our readers may rest assured of the accuracy of these general +principles:- that all couples who coddle themselves are selfish and +slothful,--that they charge upon every wind that blows, every rain +that falls, and every vapour that hangs in the air, the evils which +arise from their own imprudence or the gloom which is engendered in +their own tempers,--and that all men and women, in couples or +otherwise, who fall into exclusive habits of self-indulgence, and +forget their natural sympathy and close connexion with everybody +and everything in the world around them, not only neglect the first +duty of life, but, by a happy retributive justice, deprive +themselves of its truest and best enjoyment. + + + +THE OLD COUPLE + + + +They are grandfather and grandmother to a dozen grown people and +have great-grandchildren besides; their bodies are bent, their hair +is grey, their step tottering and infirm. Is this the lightsome +pair whose wedding was so merry, and have the young couple indeed +grown old so soon! + +It seems but yesterday--and yet what a host of cares and griefs are +crowded into the intervening time which, reckoned by them, +lengthens out into a century! How many new associations have +wreathed themselves about their hearts since then! The old time is +gone, and a new time has come for others--not for them. They are +but the rusting link that feebly joins the two, and is silently +loosening its hold and dropping asunder. + +It seems but yesterday--and yet three of their children have sunk +into the grave, and the tree that shades it has grown quite old. +One was an infant--they wept for him; the next a girl, a slight +young thing too delicate for earth--her loss was hard indeed to +bear. The third, a man. That was the worst of all, but even that +grief is softened now. + +It seems but yesterday--and yet how the gay and laughing faces of +that bright morning have changed and vanished from above ground! +Faint likenesses of some remain about them yet, but they are very +faint and scarcely to be traced. The rest are only seen in dreams, +and even they are unlike what they were, in eyes so old and dim. + +One or two dresses from the bridal wardrobe are yet preserved. +They are of a quaint and antique fashion, and seldom seen except in +pictures. White has turned yellow, and brighter hues have faded. +Do you wonder, child? The wrinkled face was once as smooth as +yours, the eyes as bright, the shrivelled skin as fair and +delicate. It is the work of hands that have been dust these many +years. + +Where are the fairy lovers of that happy day whose annual return +comes upon the old man and his wife, like the echo of some village +bell which has long been silent? Let yonder peevish bachelor, +racked by rheumatic pains, and quarrelling with the world, let him +answer to the question. He recollects something of a favourite +playmate; her name was Lucy--so they tell him. He is not sure +whether she was married, or went abroad, or died. It is a long +while ago, and he don't remember. + +Is nothing as it used to be; does no one feel, or think, or act, as +in days of yore? Yes. There is an aged woman who once lived +servant with the old lady's father, and is sheltered in an alms- +house not far off. She is still attached to the family, and loves +them all; she nursed the children in her lap, and tended in their +sickness those who are no more. Her old mistress has still +something of youth in her eyes; the young ladies are like what she +was but not quite so handsome, nor are the gentlemen as stately as +Mr. Harvey used to be. She has seen a great deal of trouble; her +husband and her son died long ago; but she has got over that, and +is happy now--quite happy. + +If ever her attachment to her old protectors were disturbed by +fresher cares and hopes, it has long since resumed its former +current. It has filled the void in the poor creature's heart, and +replaced the love of kindred. Death has not left her alone, and +this, with a roof above her head, and a warm hearth to sit by, +makes her cheerful and contented. Does she remember the marriage +of great-grandmamma? Ay, that she does, as well--as if it was only +yesterday. You wouldn't think it to look at her now, and perhaps +she ought not to say so of herself, but she was as smart a young +girl then as you'd wish to see. She recollects she took a friend +of hers up-stairs to see Miss Emma dressed for church; her name +was--ah! she forgets the name, but she remembers that she was a +very pretty girl, and that she married not long afterwards, and +lived--it has quite passed out of her mind where she lived, but she +knows she had a bad husband who used her ill, and that she died in +Lambeth work-house. Dear, dear, in Lambeth workhouse! + +And the old couple--have they no comfort or enjoyment of existence? +See them among their grandchildren and great-grandchildren; how +garrulous they are, how they compare one with another, and insist +on likenesses which no one else can see; how gently the old lady +lectures the girls on points of breeding and decorum, and points +the moral by anecdotes of herself in her young days--how the old +gentleman chuckles over boyish feats and roguish tricks, and tells +long stories of a 'barring-out' achieved at the school he went to: +which was very wrong, he tells the boys, and never to be imitated +of course, but which he cannot help letting them know was very +pleasant too--especially when he kissed the master's niece. This +last, however, is a point on which the old lady is very tender, for +she considers it a shocking and indelicate thing to talk about, and +always says so whenever it is mentioned, never failing to observe +that he ought to be very penitent for having been so sinful. So +the old gentleman gets no further, and what the schoolmaster's +niece said afterwards (which he is always going to tell) is lost to +posterity. + +The old gentleman is eighty years old, to-day--'Eighty years old, +Crofts, and never had a headache,' he tells the barber who shaves +him (the barber being a young fellow, and very subject to that +complaint). 'That's a great age, Crofts,' says the old gentleman. +'I don't think it's sich a wery great age, Sir,' replied the +barber. 'Crofts,' rejoins the old gentleman, 'you're talking +nonsense to me. Eighty not a great age?' 'It's a wery great age, +Sir, for a gentleman to be as healthy and active as you are,' +returns the barber; 'but my grandfather, Sir, he was ninety-four.' +'You don't mean that, Crofts?' says the old gentleman. 'I do +indeed, Sir,' retorts the barber, 'and as wiggerous as Julius +Caesar, my grandfather was.' The old gentleman muses a little +time, and then says, 'What did he die of, Crofts?' 'He died +accidentally, Sir,' returns the barber; 'he didn't mean to do it. +He always would go a running about the streets--walking never +satisfied HIS spirit--and he run against a post and died of a hurt +in his chest.' The old gentleman says no more until the shaving is +concluded, and then he gives Crofts half-a-crown to drink his +health. He is a little doubtful of the barber's veracity +afterwards, and telling the anecdote to the old lady, affects to +make very light of it--though to be sure (he adds) there was old +Parr, and in some parts of England, ninety-five or so is a common +age, quite a common age. + +This morning the old couple are cheerful but serious, recalling old +times as well as they can remember them, and dwelling upon many +passages in their past lives which the day brings to mind. The old +lady reads aloud, in a tremulous voice, out of a great Bible, and +the old gentleman with his hand to his ear, listens with profound +respect. When the book is closed, they sit silent for a short +space, and afterwards resume their conversation, with a reference +perhaps to their dead children, as a subject not unsuited to that +they have just left. By degrees they are led to consider which of +those who survive are the most like those dearly-remembered +objects, and so they fall into a less solemn strain, and become +cheerful again. + +How many people in all, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and one +or two intimate friends of the family, dine together to-day at the +eldest son's to congratulate the old couple, and wish them many +happy returns, is a calculation beyond our powers; but this we +know, that the old couple no sooner present themselves, very +sprucely and carefully attired, than there is a violent shouting +and rushing forward of the younger branches with all manner of +presents, such as pocket-books, pencil-cases, pen-wipers, watch- +papers, pin-cushions, sleeve-buckles, worked-slippers, watch- +guards, and even a nutmeg-grater: the latter article being +presented by a very chubby and very little boy, who exhibits it in +great triumph as an extraordinary variety. The old couple's +emotion at these tokens of remembrance occasions quite a pathetic +scene, of which the chief ingredients are a vast quantity of +kissing and hugging, and repeated wipings of small eyes and noses +with small square pocket-handkerchiefs, which don't come at all +easily out of small pockets. Even the peevish bachelor is moved, +and he says, as he presents the old gentleman with a queer sort of +antique ring from his own finger, that he'll be de'ed if he doesn't +think he looks younger than he did ten years ago. + +But the great time is after dinner, when the dessert and wine are +on the table, which is pushed back to make plenty of room, and they +are all gathered in a large circle round the fire, for it is then-- +the glasses being filled, and everybody ready to drink the toast-- +that two great-grandchildren rush out at a given signal, and +presently return, dragging in old Jane Adams leaning upon her +crutched stick, and trembling with age and pleasure. Who so +popular as poor old Jane, nurse and story-teller in ordinary to two +generations; and who so happy as she, striving to bend her stiff +limbs into a curtsey, while tears of pleasure steal down her +withered cheeks! + +The old couple sit side by side, and the old time seems like +yesterday indeed. Looking back upon the path they have travelled, +its dust and ashes disappear; the flowers that withered long ago, +show brightly again upon its borders, and they grow young once more +in the youth of those about them. + + + +CONCLUSION + + + +We have taken for the subjects of the foregoing moral essays, +twelve samples of married couples, carefully selected from a large +stock on hand, open to the inspection of all comers. These samples +are intended for the benefit of the rising generation of both +sexes, and, for their more easy and pleasant information, have been +separately ticketed and labelled in the manner they have seen. + +We have purposely excluded from consideration the couple in which +the lady reigns paramount and supreme, holding such cases to be of +a very unnatural kind, and like hideous births and other monstrous +deformities, only to be discreetly and sparingly exhibited. + +And here our self-imposed task would have ended, but that to those +young ladies and gentlemen who are yet revolving singly round the +church, awaiting the advent of that time when the mysterious laws +of attraction shall draw them towards it in couples, we are +desirous of addressing a few last words. + +Before marriage and afterwards, let them learn to centre all their +hopes of real and lasting happiness in their own fireside; let them +cherish the faith that in home, and all the English virtues which +the love of home engenders, lies the only true source of domestic +felicity; let them believe that round the household gods, +contentment and tranquillity cluster in their gentlest and most +graceful forms; and that many weary hunters of happiness through +the noisy world, have learnt this truth too late, and found a +cheerful spirit and a quiet mind only at home at last. + +How much may depend on the education of daughters and the conduct +of mothers; how much of the brightest part of our old national +character may be perpetuated by their wisdom or frittered away by +their folly--how much of it may have been lost already, and how +much more in danger of vanishing every day--are questions too +weighty for discussion here, but well deserving a little serious +consideration from all young couples nevertheless. + +To that one young couple on whose bright destiny the thoughts of +nations are fixed, may the youth of England look, and not in vain, +for an example. From that one young couple, blessed and favoured +as they are, may they learn that even the glare and glitter of a +court, the splendour of a palace, and the pomp and glory of a +throne, yield in their power of conferring happiness, to domestic +worth and virtue. From that one young couple may they learn that +the crown of a great empire, costly and jewelled though it be, +gives place in the estimation of a Queen to the plain gold ring +that links her woman's nature to that of tens of thousands of her +humble subjects, and guards in her woman's heart one secret store +of tenderness, whose proudest boast shall be that it knows no +Royalty save Nature's own, and no pride of birth but being the +child of heaven! + +So shall the highest young couple in the land for once hear the +truth, when men throw up their caps, and cry with loving shouts - + + +GOD BLESS THEM. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES *** + +This file should be named yngcp10.txt or yngcp10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, yngcp11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, yngcp10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we usually do not +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +We are now trying to release all our eBooks one year in advance +of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing. +Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections, +even years after the official publication date. + +Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg eBooks is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. + +Most people start at our Web sites at: +http://gutenberg.net or +http://promo.net/pg + +These Web sites include award-winning information about Project +Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new +eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!). + + +Those of you who want to download any eBook before announcement +can get to them as follows, and just download by date. This is +also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the +indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an +announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter. + +http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext04 or +ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext04 + +Or /etext03, 02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90 + +Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want, +as it appears in our Newsletters. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours +to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. Our +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If the value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text +files per month: 1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+ +We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002 +If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total +will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks! +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users. + +Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated): + +eBooks Year Month + + 1 1971 July + 10 1991 January + 100 1994 January + 1000 1997 August + 1500 1998 October + 2000 1999 December + 2500 2000 December + 3000 2001 November + 4000 2001 October/November + 6000 2002 December* + 9000 2003 November* +10000 2004 January* + + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created +to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people +and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut, +Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, +Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, +Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New +Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, +Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South +Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West +Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. + +We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones +that have responded. + +As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list +will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states. +Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state. + +In answer to various questions we have received on this: + +We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally +request donations in all 50 states. If your state is not listed and +you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have, +just ask. + +While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are +not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting +donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to +donate. + +International donations are accepted, but we don't know ANYTHING about +how to make them tax-deductible, or even if they CAN be made +deductible, and don't have the staff to handle it even if there are +ways. + +Donations by check or money order may be sent to: + + PROJECT GUTENBERG LITERARY ARCHIVE FOUNDATION + 809 North 1500 West + Salt Lake City, UT 84116 + +Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment +method other than by check or money order. + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by +the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN +[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154. Donations are +tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law. As fund-raising +requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be +made and fund-raising will begin in the additional states. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +You can get up to date donation information online at: + +http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html + + +*** + +If you can't reach Project Gutenberg, +you can always email directly to: + +Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> + +Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message. + +We would prefer to send you information by email. + + +**The Legal Small Print** + + +(Three Pages) + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this eBook, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you may distribute copies of this eBook if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS EBOOK +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +eBook, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this eBook by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this eBook on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM EBOOKS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBooks, +is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart +through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project"). +Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook +under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market +any commercial products without permission. + +To create these eBooks, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's eBooks and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other eBook medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may +receive this eBook from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook) disclaims +all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this eBook within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS EBOOK IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE EBOOK OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation, +and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated +with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm +texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including +legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the +following that you do or cause: [1] distribution of this eBook, +[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the eBook, +or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this eBook electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + eBook or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this eBook in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word + processing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The eBook, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The eBook may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the eBook (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + eBook in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the eBook refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the + gross profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation" + the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were + legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent + periodic) tax return. Please contact us beforehand to + let us know your plans and to work out the details. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of +public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed +in machine readable form. + +The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time, +public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses. +Money should be paid to the: +"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or +software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at: +hart@pobox.com + +[Portions of this eBook's header and trailer may be reprinted only +when distributed free of all fees. Copyright (C) 2001, 2002 by +Michael S. Hart. Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be +used in any sales of Project Gutenberg eBooks or other materials be +they hardware or software or any other related product without +express permission.] + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* + diff --git a/old/yngcp10.zip b/old/yngcp10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1e4502 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/yngcp10.zip diff --git a/old/yngcp10h.htm b/old/yngcp10h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e928fd --- /dev/null +++ b/old/yngcp10h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2088 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>Sketches of Young Couples</title> +</head> +<body> +<h2> +<a href="#startoftext">Sketches of Young Couples, by Charles Dickens</a> +</h2> +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Sketches of Young Couples, by Charles Dickens +(#24 in our series by Charles Dickens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Sketches of Young Couples + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: May, 1997 [EBook #916] +[This file was first posted on May 22, 1997] +[Most recently updated: May 8, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII +</pre> +<p><a name="startoftext"></a></p> +<p>Transcribed from the 1903 edition by David Price, +email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<h1>SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES</h1> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<p>AN URGENT REMONSTRANCE, &c</p> +<p>TO THE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND,</p> +<p>(BEING BACHELORS OR WIDOWERS,)</p> +<p>THE REMONSTRANCE OF THEIR FAITHFUL FELLOW-SUBJECT,</p> +<p>SHEWETH,-</p> +<p>THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, Victoria, by the Grace of God of +the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland Queen, Defender of the +Faith, did, on the 23rd day of November last past, declare and pronounce +to Her Most Honourable Privy Council, Her Majesty’s Most Gracious +intention of entering into the bonds of wedlock.</p> +<p>THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, in so making known Her Most Gracious +intention to Her Most Honourable Privy Council as aforesaid, did use +and employ the words—‘It is my intention to ally myself +in marriage with Prince Albert of Saxe Coburg and Gotha.’</p> +<p>THAT the present is Bissextile, or Leap Year, in which it is held +and considered lawful for any lady to offer and submit proposals of +marriage to any gentleman, and to enforce and insist upon acceptance +of the same, under pain of a certain fine or penalty; to wit, one silk +or satin dress of the first quality, to be chosen by the lady and paid +(or owed) for, by the gentleman.</p> +<p>THAT these and other the horrors and dangers with which the said +Bissextile, or Leap Year, threatens the gentlemen of England on every +occasion of its periodical return, have been greatly aggravated and +augmented by the terms of Her Majesty’s said Most Gracious communication, +which have filled the heads of divers young ladies in this Realm with +certain new ideas destructive to the peace of mankind, that never entered +their imagination before.</p> +<p>THAT a case has occurred in Camberwell, in which a young lady informed +her Papa that ‘she intended to ally herself in marriage’ +with Mr. Smith of Stepney; and that another, and a very distressing +case, has occurred at Tottenham, in which a young lady not only stated +her intention of allying herself in marriage with her cousin John, but, +taking violent possession of her said cousin, actually married him.</p> +<p>THAT similar outrages are of constant occurrence, not only in the +capital and its neighbourhood, but throughout the kingdom, and that +unless the excited female populace be speedily checked and restrained +in their lawless proceedings, most deplorable results must ensue therefrom; +among which may be anticipated a most alarming increase in the population +of the country, with which no efforts of the agricultural or manufacturing +interest can possibly keep pace.</p> +<p>THAT there is strong reason to suspect the existence of a most extensive +plot, conspiracy, or design, secretly contrived by vast numbers of single +ladies in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, and now extending +its ramifications in every quarter of the land; the object and intent +of which plainly appears to be the holding and solemnising of an enormous +and unprecedented number of marriages, on the day on which the nuptials +of Her said Most Gracious Majesty are performed.</p> +<p>THAT such plot, conspiracy, or design, strongly savours of Popery, +as tending to the discomfiture of the Clergy of the Established Church, +by entailing upon them great mental and physical exhaustion; and that +such Popish plots are fomented and encouraged by Her Majesty’s +Ministers, which clearly appears—not only from Her Majesty’s +principal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs traitorously getting +married while holding office under the Crown; but from Mr. O’Connell +having been heard to declare and avow that, if he had a daughter to +marry, she should be married on the same day as Her said Most Gracious +Majesty.</p> +<p>THAT such arch plots, conspiracies, and designs, besides being fraught +with danger to the Established Church, and (consequently) to the State, +cannot fail to bring ruin and bankruptcy upon a large class of Her Majesty’s +subjects; as a great and sudden increase in the number of married men +occasioning the comparative desertion (for a time) of Taverns, Hotels, +Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, will deprive the Proprietors of their +accustomed profits and returns. And in further proof of the depth +and baseness of such designs, it may be here observed, that all proprietors +of Taverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, are (especially +the last) solemnly devoted to the Protestant religion.</p> +<p>FOR all these reasons, and many others of no less gravity and import, +an urgent appeal is made to the gentlemen of England (being bachelors +or widowers) to take immediate steps for convening a Public meeting; +To consider of the best and surest means of averting the dangers with +which they are threatened by the recurrence of Bissextile, or Leap Year, +and the additional sensation created among single ladies by the terms +of Her Majesty’s Most Gracious Declaration; To take measures, +without delay, for resisting the said single Ladies, and counteracting +their evil designs; And to pray Her Majesty to dismiss her present Ministers, +and to summon to her Councils those distinguished Gentlemen in various +Honourable Professions who, by insulting on all occasions the only Lady +in England who can be insulted with safety, have given a sufficient +guarantee to Her Majesty’s Loving Subjects that they, at least, +are qualified to make war with women, and are already expert in the +use of those weapons which are common to the lowest and most abandoned +of the sex.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE YOUNG COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>There is to be a wedding this morning at the corner house in the +terrace. The pastry-cook’s people have been there half-a-dozen +times already; all day yesterday there was a great stir and bustle, +and they were up this morning as soon as it was light. Miss Emma +Fielding is going to be married to young Mr. Harvey.</p> +<p>Heaven alone can tell in what bright colours this marriage is painted +upon the mind of the little housemaid at number six, who has hardly +slept a wink all night with thinking of it, and now stands on the unswept +door-steps leaning upon her broom, and looking wistfully towards the +enchanted house. Nothing short of omniscience can divine what +visions of the baker, or the green-grocer, or the smart and most insinuating +butterman, are flitting across her mind—what thoughts of how she +would dress on such an occasion, if she were a lady—of how she +would dress, if she were only a bride—of how cook would dress, +being bridesmaid, conjointly with her sister ‘in place’ +at Fulham, and how the clergyman, deeming them so many ladies, would +be quite humbled and respectful. What day-dreams of hope and happiness—of +life being one perpetual holiday, with no master and no mistress to +grant or withhold it—of every Sunday being a Sunday out—of +pure freedom as to curls and ringlets, and no obligation to hide fine +heads of hair in caps—what pictures of happiness, vast and immense +to her, but utterly ridiculous to us, bewilder the brain of the little +housemaid at number six, all called into existence by the wedding at +the corner!</p> +<p>We smile at such things, and so we should, though perhaps for a better +reason than commonly presents itself. It should be pleasant to +us to know that there are notions of happiness so moderate and limited, +since upon those who entertain them, happiness and lightness of heart +are very easily bestowed.</p> +<p>But the little housemaid is awakened from her reverie, for forth +from the door of the magical corner house there runs towards her, all +fluttering in smart new dress and streaming ribands, her friend Jane +Adams, who comes all out of breath to redeem a solemn promise of taking +her in, under cover of the confusion, to see the breakfast table spread +forth in state, and—sight of sights!—her young mistress +ready dressed for church.</p> +<p>And there, in good truth, when they have stolen up-stairs on tip-toe +and edged themselves in at the chamber-door—there is Miss Emma +‘looking like the sweetest picter,’ in a white chip bonnet +and orange flowers, and all other elegancies becoming a bride, (with +the make, shape, and quality of every article of which the girl is perfectly +familiar in one moment, and never forgets to her dying day)—and +there is Miss Emma’s mamma in tears, and Miss Emma’s papa +comforting her, and saying how that of course she has been long looking +forward to this, and how happy she ought to be—and there too is +Miss Emma’s sister with her arms round her neck, and the other +bridesmaid all smiles and tears, quieting the children, who would cry +more but that they are so finely dressed, and yet sob for fear sister +Emma should be taken away—and it is all so affecting, that the +two servant-girls cry more than anybody; and Jane Adams, sitting down +upon the stairs, when they have crept away, declares that her legs tremble +so that she don’t know what to do, and that she will say for Miss +Emma, that she never had a hasty word from her, and that she does hope +and pray she may be happy.</p> +<p>But Jane soon comes round again, and then surely there never was +anything like the breakfast table, glittering with plate and china, +and set out with flowers and sweets, and long-necked bottles, in the +most sumptuous and dazzling manner. In the centre, too, is the +mighty charm, the cake, glistening with frosted sugar, and garnished +beautifully. They agree that there ought to be a little Cupid +under one of the barley-sugar temples, or at least two hearts and an +arrow; but, with this exception, there is nothing to wish for, and a +table could not be handsomer. As they arrive at this conclusion, +who should come in but Mr. John! to whom Jane says that its only Anne +from number six; and John says <i>he</i> knows, for he’s often +winked his eye down the area, which causes Anne to blush and look confused. +She is going away, indeed; when Mr. John will have it that she must +drink a glass of wine, and he says never mind it’s being early +in the morning, it won’t hurt her: so they shut the door and pour +out the wine; and Anne drinking lane’s health, and adding, ‘and +here’s wishing you yours, Mr. John,’ drinks it in a great +many sips,—Mr. John all the time making jokes appropriate to the +occasion. At last Mr. John, who has waxed bolder by degrees, pleads +the usage at weddings, and claims the privilege of a kiss, which he +obtains after a great scuffle; and footsteps being now heard on the +stairs, they disperse suddenly.</p> +<p>By this time a carriage has driven up to convey the bride to church, +and Anne of number six prolonging the process of ‘cleaning her +door,’ has the satisfaction of beholding the bride and bridesmaids, +and the papa and mamma, hurry into the same and drive rapidly off. +Nor is this all, for soon other carriages begin to arrive with a posse +of company all beautifully dressed, at whom she could stand and gaze +for ever; but having something else to do, is compelled to take one +last long look and shut the street-door.</p> +<p>And now the company have gone down to breakfast, and tears have given +place to smiles, for all the corks are out of the long-necked bottles, +and their contents are disappearing rapidly. Miss Emma’s +papa is at the top of the table; Miss Emma’s mamma at the bottom; +and beside the latter are Miss Emma herself and her husband,—admitted +on all hands to be the handsomest and most interesting young couple +ever known. All down both sides of the table, too, are various +young ladies, beautiful to see, and various young gentlemen who seem +to think so; and there, in a post of honour, is an unmarried aunt of +Miss Emma’s, reported to possess unheard-of riches, and to have +expressed vast testamentary intentions respecting her favourite niece +and new nephew. This lady has been very liberal and generous already, +as the jewels worn by the bride abundantly testify, but that is nothing +to what she means to do, or even to what she has done, for she put herself +in close communication with the dressmaker three months ago, and prepared +a wardrobe (with some articles worked by her own hands) fit for a Princess. +People may call her an old maid, and so she may be, but she is neither +cross nor ugly for all that; on the contrary, she is very cheerful and +pleasant-looking, and very kind and tender-hearted: which is no matter +of surprise except to those who yield to popular prejudices without +thinking why, and will never grow wiser and never know better.</p> +<p>Of all the company though, none are more pleasant to behold or better +pleased with themselves than two young children, who, in honour of the +day, have seats among the guests. Of these, one is a little fellow +of six or eight years old, brother to the bride,—and the other +a girl of the same age, or something younger, whom he calls ‘his +wife.’ The real bride and bridegroom are not more devoted +than they: he all love and attention, and she all blushes and fondness, +toying with a little bouquet which he gave her this morning, and placing +the scattered rose-leaves in her bosom with nature’s own coquettishness. +They have dreamt of each other in their quiet dreams, these children, +and their little hearts have been nearly broken when the absent one +has been dispraised in jest. When will there come in after-life +a passion so earnest, generous, and true as theirs; what, even in its +gentlest realities, can have the grace and charm that hover round such +fairy lovers!</p> +<p>By this time the merriment and happiness of the feast have gained +their height; certain ominous looks begin to be exchanged between the +bridesmaids, and somehow it gets whispered about that the carriage which +is to take the young couple into the country has arrived. Such +members of the party as are most disposed to prolong its enjoyments, +affect to consider this a false alarm, but it turns out too true, being +speedily confirmed, first by the retirement of the bride and a select +file of intimates who are to prepare her for the journey, and secondly +by the withdrawal of the ladies generally. To this there ensues +a particularly awkward pause, in which everybody essays to be facetious, +and nobody succeeds; at length the bridegroom makes a mysterious disappearance +in obedience to some equally mysterious signal; and the table is deserted.</p> +<p>Now, for at least six weeks last past it has been solemnly devised +and settled that the young couple should go away in secret; but they +no sooner appear without the door than the drawing-room windows are +blocked up with ladies waving their handkerchiefs and kissing their +hands, and the dining-room panes with gentlemen’s faces beaming +farewell in every queer variety of its expression. The hall and +steps are crowded with servants in white favours, mixed up with particular +friends and relations who have darted out to say good-bye; and foremost +in the group are the tiny lovers arm in arm, thinking, with fluttering +hearts, what happiness it would be to dash away together in that gallant +coach, and never part again.</p> +<p>The bride has barely time for one hurried glance at her old home, +when the steps rattle, the door slams, the horses clatter on the pavement, +and they have left it far away.</p> +<p>A knot of women servants still remain clustered in the hall, whispering +among themselves, and there of course is Anne from number six, who has +made another escape on some plea or other, and been an admiring witness +of the departure. There are two points on which Anne expatiates +over and over again, without the smallest appearance of fatigue or intending +to leave off; one is, that she ‘never see in all her life such +a—oh such a angel of a gentleman as Mr. Harvey’—and +the other, that she ‘can’t tell how it is, but it don’t +seem a bit like a work-a-day, or a Sunday neither—it’s all +so unsettled and unregular.’</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE FORMAL COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>The formal couple are the most prim, cold, immovable, and unsatisfactory +people on the face of the earth. Their faces, voices, dress, house, +furniture, walk, and manner, are all the essence of formality, unrelieved +by one redeeming touch of frankness, heartiness, or nature.</p> +<p>Everything with the formal couple resolves itself into a matter of +form. They don’t call upon you on your account, but their +own; not to see how you are, but to show how they are: it is not a ceremony +to do honour to you, but to themselves,—not due to your position, +but to theirs. If one of a friend’s children die, the formal +couple are as sure and punctual in sending to the house as the undertaker; +if a friend’s family be increased, the monthly nurse is not more +attentive than they. The formal couple, in fact, joyfully seize +all occasions of testifying their good-breeding and precise observance +of the little usages of society; and for you, who are the means to this +end, they care as much as a man does for the tailor who has enabled +him to cut a figure, or a woman for the milliner who has assisted her +to a conquest.</p> +<p>Having an extensive connexion among that kind of people who make +acquaintances and eschew friends, the formal gentleman attends from +time to time a great many funerals, to which he is formally invited, +and to which he formally goes, as returning a call for the last time. +Here his deportment is of the most faultless description; he knows the +exact pitch of voice it is proper to assume, the sombre look he ought +to wear, the melancholy tread which should be his gait for the day. +He is perfectly acquainted with all the dreary courtesies to be observed +in a mourning-coach; knows when to sigh, and when to hide his nose in +the white handkerchief; and looks into the grave and shakes his head +when the ceremony is concluded, with the sad formality of a mute.</p> +<p>‘What kind of funeral was it?’ says the formal lady, +when he returns home. ‘Oh!’ replies the formal gentleman, +‘there never was such a gross and disgusting impropriety; there +were no feathers.’ ‘No feathers!’ cries the +lady, as if on wings of black feathers dead people fly to Heaven, and, +lacking them, they must of necessity go elsewhere. Her husband +shakes his head; and further adds, that they had seed-cake instead of +plum-cake, and that it was all white wine. ‘All white wine!’ +exclaims his wife. ‘Nothing but sherry and madeira,’ +says the husband. ‘What! no port?’ ‘Not +a drop.’ No port, no plums, and no feathers! ‘You +will recollect, my dear,’ says the formal lady, in a voice of +stately reproof, ‘that when we first met this poor man who is +now dead and gone, and he took that very strange course of addressing +me at dinner without being previously introduced, I ventured to express +my opinion that the family were quite ignorant of etiquette, and very +imperfectly acquainted with the decencies of life. You have now +had a good opportunity of judging for yourself, and all I have to say +is, that I trust you will never go to a funeral <i>there</i> again.’ +‘My dear,’ replies the formal gentleman, ‘I never +will.’ So the informal deceased is cut in his grave; and +the formal couple, when they tell the story of the funeral, shake their +heads, and wonder what some people’s feelings <i>are</i> made +of, and what their notions of propriety <i>can</i> be!</p> +<p>If the formal couple have a family (which they sometimes have), they +are not children, but little, pale, sour, sharp-nosed men and women; +and so exquisitely brought up, that they might be very old dwarfs for +anything that appeareth to the contrary. Indeed, they are so acquainted +with forms and conventionalities, and conduct themselves with such strict +decorum, that to see the little girl break a looking-glass in some wild +outbreak, or the little boy kick his parents, would be to any visitor +an unspeakable relief and consolation.</p> +<p>The formal couple are always sticklers for what is rigidly proper, +and have a great readiness in detecting hidden impropriety of speech +or thought, which by less scrupulous people would be wholly unsuspected. +Thus, if they pay a visit to the theatre, they sit all night in a perfect +agony lest anything improper or immoral should proceed from the stage; +and if anything should happen to be said which admits of a double construction, +they never fail to take it up directly, and to express by their looks +the great outrage which their feelings have sustained. Perhaps +this is their chief reason for absenting themselves almost entirely +from places of public amusement. They go sometimes to the Exhibition +of the Royal Academy;—but that is often more shocking than the +stage itself, and the formal lady thinks that it really is high time +Mr. Etty was prosecuted and made a public example of.</p> +<p>We made one at a christening party not long since, where there were +amongst the guests a formal couple, who suffered the acutest torture +from certain jokes, incidental to such an occasion, cut—and very +likely dried also—by one of the godfathers; a red-faced elderly +gentleman, who, being highly popular with the rest of the company, had +it all his own way, and was in great spirits. It was at supper-time +that this gentleman came out in full force. We—being of +a grave and quiet demeanour—had been chosen to escort the formal +lady down-stairs, and, sitting beside her, had a favourable opportunity +of observing her emotions.</p> +<p>We have a shrewd suspicion that, in the very beginning, and in the +first blush—literally the first blush—of the matter, the +formal lady had not felt quite certain whether the being present at +such a ceremony, and encouraging, as it were, the public exhibition +of a baby, was not an act involving some degree of indelicacy and impropriety; +but certain we are that when that baby’s health was drunk, and +allusions were made, by a grey-headed gentleman proposing it, to the +time when he had dandled in his arms the young Christian’s mother,—certain +we are that then the formal lady took the alarm, and recoiled from the +old gentleman as from a hoary profligate. Still she bore it; she +fanned herself with an indignant air, but still she bore it. A +comic song was sung, involving a confession from some imaginary gentleman +that he had kissed a female, and yet the formal lady bore it. +But when at last, the health of the godfather before-mentioned being +drunk, the godfather rose to return thanks, and in the course of his +observations darkly hinted at babies yet unborn, and even contemplated +the possibility of the subject of that festival having brothers and +sisters, the formal lady could endure no more, but, bowing slightly +round, and sweeping haughtily past the offender, left the room in tears, +under the protection of the formal gentleman.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE LOVING COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>There cannot be a better practical illustration of the wise saw and +ancient instance, that there may be too much of a good thing, than is +presented by a loving couple. Undoubtedly it is meet and proper +that two persons joined together in holy matrimony should be loving, +and unquestionably it is pleasant to know and see that they are so; +but there is a time for all things, and the couple who happen to be +always in a loving state before company, are well-nigh intolerable.</p> +<p>And in taking up this position we would have it distinctly understood +that we do not seek alone the sympathy of bachelors, in whose objection +to loving couples we recognise interested motives and personal considerations. +We grant that to that unfortunate class of society there may be something +very irritating, tantalising, and provoking, in being compelled to witness +those gentle endearments and chaste interchanges which to loving couples +are quite the ordinary business of life. But while we recognise +the natural character of the prejudice to which these unhappy men are +subject, we can neither receive their biassed evidence, nor address +ourself to their inflamed and angered minds. Dispassionate experience +is our only guide; and in these moral essays we seek no less to reform +hymeneal offenders than to hold out a timely warning to all rising couples, +and even to those who have not yet set forth upon their pilgrimage towards +the matrimonial market.</p> +<p>Let all couples, present or to come, therefore profit by the example +of Mr. and Mrs. Leaver, themselves a loving couple in the first degree.</p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Leaver are pronounced by Mrs. Starling, a widow lady +who lost her husband when she was young, and lost herself about the +same-time—for by her own count she has never since grown five +years older—to be a perfect model of wedded felicity. ‘You +would suppose,’ says the romantic lady, ‘that they were +lovers only just now engaged. Never was such happiness! +They are so tender, so affectionate, so attached to each other, so enamoured, +that positively nothing can be more charming!’</p> +<p>‘Augusta, my soul,’ says Mr. Leaver. ‘Augustus, +my life,’ replies Mrs. Leaver. ‘Sing some little ballad, +darling,’ quoth Mr. Leaver. ‘I couldn’t, indeed, +dearest,’ returns Mrs. Leaver. ‘Do, my dove,’ +says Mr. Leaver. ‘I couldn’t possibly, my love,’ +replies Mrs. Leaver; ‘and it’s very naughty of you to ask +me.’ ‘Naughty, darling!’ cries Mr. Leaver. +‘Yes, very naughty, and very cruel,’ returns Mrs. Leaver, +‘for you know I have a sore throat, and that to sing would give +me great pain. You’re a monster, and I hate you. Go +away!’ Mrs. Leaver has said ‘go away,’ because +Mr. Leaver has tapped her under the chin: Mr. Leaver not doing as he +is bid, but on the contrary, sitting down beside her, Mrs. Leaver slaps +Mr. Leaver; and Mr. Leaver in return slaps Mrs. Leaver, and it being +now time for all persons present to look the other way, they look the +other way, and hear a still small sound as of kissing, at which Mrs. +Starling is thoroughly enraptured, and whispers her neighbour that if +all married couples were like that, what a heaven this earth would be!</p> +<p>The loving couple are at home when this occurs, and maybe only three +or four friends are present, but, unaccustomed to reserve upon this +interesting point, they are pretty much the same abroad. Indeed +upon some occasions, such as a pic-nic or a water-party, their lovingness +is even more developed, as we had an opportunity last summer of observing +in person.</p> +<p>There was a great water-party made up to go to Twickenham and dine, +and afterwards dance in an empty villa by the river-side, hired expressly +for the purpose. Mr. and Mrs. Leaver were of the company; and +it was our fortune to have a seat in the same boat, which was an eight-oared +galley, manned by amateurs, with a blue striped awning of the same pattern +as their Guernsey shirts, and a dingy red flag of the same shade as +the whiskers of the stroke oar. A coxswain being appointed, and +all other matters adjusted, the eight gentlemen threw themselves into +strong paroxysms, and pulled up with the tide, stimulated by the compassionate +remarks of the ladies, who one and all exclaimed, that it seemed an +immense exertion—as indeed it did. At first we raced the +other boat, which came alongside in gallant style; but this being found +an unpleasant amusement, as giving rise to a great quantity of splashing, +and rendering the cold pies and other viands very moist, it was unanimously +voted down, and we were suffered to shoot a-head, while the second boat +followed ingloriously in our wake.</p> +<p>It was at this time that we first recognised Mr. Leaver. There +were two firemen-watermen in the boat, lying by until somebody was exhausted; +and one of them, who had taken upon himself the direction of affairs, +was heard to cry in a gruff voice, ‘Pull away, number two—give +it her, number two—take a longer reach, number two—now, +number two, sir, think you’re winning a boat.’ The +greater part of the company had no doubt begun to wonder which of the +striped Guernseys it might be that stood in need of such encouragement, +when a stifled shriek from Mrs. Leaver confirmed the doubtful and informed +the ignorant; and Mr. Leaver, still further disguised in a straw hat +and no neckcloth, was observed to be in a fearful perspiration, and +failing visibly. Nor was the general consternation diminished +at this instant by the same gentleman (in the performance of an accidental +aquatic feat, termed ‘catching a crab’) plunging suddenly +backward, and displaying nothing of himself to the company, but two +violently struggling legs. Mrs. Leaver shrieked again several +times, and cried piteously—‘Is he dead? Tell me the +worst. Is he dead?’</p> +<p>Now, a moment’s reflection might have convinced the loving +wife, that unless her husband were endowed with some most surprising +powers of muscular action, he never could be dead while he kicked so +hard; but still Mrs. Leaver cried, ‘Is he dead? is he dead?’ +and still everybody else cried—‘No, no, no,’ until +such time as Mr. Leaver was replaced in a sitting posture, and his oar +(which had been going through all kinds of wrong-headed performances +on its own account) was once more put in his hand, by the exertions +of the two firemen-watermen. Mr. Leaver then exclaimed, ‘Augustus, +my child, come to me;’ and Mr. Leaver said, ‘Augusta, my +love, compose yourself, I am not injured.’ But Mrs. Leaver +cried again more piteously than before, ‘Augustus, my child, come +to me;’ and now the company generally, who seemed to be apprehensive +that if Mr. Leaver remained where he was, he might contribute more than +his proper share towards the drowning of the party, disinterestedly +took part with Mrs. Leaver, and said he really ought to go, and that +he was not strong enough for such violent exercise, and ought never +to have undertaken it. Reluctantly, Mr. Leaver went, and laid +himself down at Mrs. Leaver’s feet, and Mrs. Leaver stooping over +him, said, ‘Oh Augustus, how could you terrify me so?’ and +Mr. Leaver said, ‘Augusta, my sweet, I never meant to terrify +you;’ and Mrs. Leaver said, ‘You are faint, my dear;’ +and Mr. Leaver said, ‘I am rather so, my love;’ and they +were very loving indeed under Mrs. Leaver’s veil, until at length +Mr. Leaver came forth again, and pleasantly asked if he had not heard +something said about bottled stout and sandwiches.</p> +<p>Mrs. Starling, who was one of the party, was perfectly delighted +with this scene, and frequently murmured half-aside, ‘What a loving +couple you are!’ or ‘How delightful it is to see man and +wife so happy together!’ To us she was quite poetical, (for +we are a kind of cousins,) observing that hearts beating in unison like +that made life a paradise of sweets; and that when kindred creatures +were drawn together by sympathies so fine and delicate, what more than +mortal happiness did not our souls partake! To all this we answered +‘Certainly,’ or ‘Very true,’ or merely sighed, +as the case might be. At every new act of the loving couple, the +widow’s admiration broke out afresh; and when Mrs. Leaver would +not permit Mr. Leaver to keep his hat off, lest the sun should strike +to his head, and give him a brain fever, Mrs. Starling actually shed +tears, and said it reminded her of Adam and Eve.</p> +<p>The loving couple were thus loving all the way to Twickenham, but +when we arrived there (by which time the amateur crew looked very thirsty +and vicious) they were more playful than ever, for Mrs. Leaver threw +stones at Mr. Leaver, and Mr. Leaver ran after Mrs. Leaver on the grass, +in a most innocent and enchanting manner. At dinner, too, Mr. +Leaver <i>would</i> steal Mrs. Leaver’s tongue, and Mrs. Leaver +<i>would</i> retaliate upon Mr. Leaver’s fowl; and when Mrs. Leaver +was going to take some lobster salad, Mr. Leaver wouldn’t let +her have any, saying that it made her ill, and she was always sorry +for it afterwards, which afforded Mrs. Leaver an opportunity of pretending +to be cross, and showing many other prettinesses. But this was +merely the smiling surface of their loves, not the mighty depths of +the stream, down to which the company, to say the truth, dived rather +unexpectedly, from the following accident. It chanced that Mr. +Leaver took upon himself to propose the bachelors who had first originated +the notion of that entertainment, in doing which, he affected to regret +that he was no longer of their body himself, and pretended grievously +to lament his fallen state. This Mrs. Leaver’s feelings +could not brook, even in jest, and consequently, exclaiming aloud, ‘He +loves me not, he loves me not!’ she fell in a very pitiable state +into the arms of Mrs. Starling, and, directly becoming insensible, was +conveyed by that lady and her husband into another room. Presently +Mr. Leaver came running back to know if there was a medical gentleman +in company, and as there was, (in what company is there not?) both Mr. +Leaver and the medical gentleman hurried away together.</p> +<p>The medical gentleman was the first who returned, and among his intimate +friends he was observed to laugh and wink, and look as unmedical as +might be; but when Mr. Leaver came back he was very solemn, and in answer +to all inquiries, shook his head, and remarked that Augusta was far +too sensitive to be trifled with—an opinion which the widow subsequently +confirmed. Finding that she was in no imminent peril, however, +the rest of the party betook themselves to dancing on the green, and +very merry and happy they were, and a vast quantity of flirtation there +was; the last circumstance being no doubt attributable, partly to the +fineness of the weather, and partly to the locality, which is well known +to be favourable to all harmless recreations.</p> +<p>In the bustle of the scene, Mr. and Mrs. Leaver stole down to the +boat, and disposed themselves under the awning, Mrs. Leaver reclining +her head upon Mr. Leaver’s shoulder, and Mr. Leaver grasping her +hand with great fervour, and looking in her face from time to time with +a melancholy and sympathetic aspect. The widow sat apart, feigning +to be occupied with a book, but stealthily observing them from behind +her fan; and the two firemen-watermen, smoking their pipes on the bank +hard by, nudged each other, and grinned in enjoyment of the joke. +Very few of the party missed the loving couple; and the few who did, +heartily congratulated each other on their disappearance.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE CONTRADICTORY COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>One would suppose that two people who are to pass their whole lives +together, and must necessarily be very often alone with each other, +could find little pleasure in mutual contradiction; and yet what is +more common than a contradictory couple?</p> +<p>The contradictory couple agree in nothing but contradiction. +They return home from Mrs. Bluebottle’s dinner-party, each in +an opposite corner of the coach, and do not exchange a syllable until +they have been seated for at least twenty minutes by the fireside at +home, when the gentleman, raising his eyes from the stove, all at once +breaks silence:</p> +<p>‘What a very extraordinary thing it is,’ says he, ‘that +you <i>will</i> contradict, Charlotte!’ ‘<i>I</i> +contradict!’ cries the lady, ‘but that’s just like +you.’ ‘What’s like me?’ says the gentleman +sharply. ‘Saying that I contradict you,’ replies the +lady. ‘Do you mean to say that you do <i>not</i> contradict +me?’ retorts the gentleman; ‘do you mean to say that you +have not been contradicting me the whole of this day?’ ‘Do +you mean to tell me now, that you have not? I mean to tell you +nothing of the kind,’ replies the lady quietly; ‘when you +are wrong, of course I shall contradict you.’</p> +<p>During this dialogue the gentleman has been taking his brandy-and-water +on one side of the fire, and the lady, with her dressing-case on the +table, has been curling her hair on the other. She now lets down +her back hair, and proceeds to brush it; preserving at the same time +an air of conscious rectitude and suffering virtue, which is intended +to exasperate the gentleman—and does so.</p> +<p>‘I do believe,’ he says, taking the spoon out of his +glass, and tossing it on the table, ‘that of all the obstinate, +positive, wrong-headed creatures that were ever born, you are the most +so, Charlotte.’ ‘Certainly, certainly, have it your +own way, pray. You see how much <i>I</i> contradict you,’ +rejoins the lady. ‘Of course, you didn’t contradict +me at dinner-time—oh no, not you!’ says the gentleman. +‘Yes, I did,’ says the lady. ‘Oh, you did,’ +cries the gentleman ‘you admit that?’ ‘If you +call that contradiction, I do,’ the lady answers; ‘and I +say again, Edward, that when I know you are wrong, I will contradict +you. I am not your slave.’ ‘Not my slave!’ +repeats the gentleman bitterly; ‘and you still mean to say that +in the Blackburns’ new house there are not more than fourteen +doors, including the door of the wine-cellar!’ ‘I +mean to say,’ retorts the lady, beating time with her hair-brush +on the palm of her hand, ‘that in that house there are fourteen +doors and no more.’ ‘Well then—’ cries +the gentleman, rising in despair, and pacing the room with rapid strides. +‘By G-, this is enough to destroy a man’s intellect, and +drive him mad!’</p> +<p>By and by the gentleman comes-to a little, and passing his hand gloomily +across his forehead, reseats himself in his former chair. There +is a long silence, and this time the lady begins. ‘I appealed +to Mr. Jenkins, who sat next to me on the sofa in the drawing-room during +tea—’ ‘Morgan, you mean,’ interrupts the +gentleman. ‘I do not mean anything of the kind,’ answers +the lady. ‘Now, by all that is aggravating and impossible +to bear,’ cries the gentleman, clenching his hands and looking +upwards in agony, ‘she is going to insist upon it that Morgan +is Jenkins!’ ‘Do you take me for a perfect fool?’ +exclaims the lady; ‘do you suppose I don’t know the one +from the other? Do you suppose I don’t know that the man +in the blue coat was Mr. Jenkins?’ ‘Jenkins in a blue +coat!’ cries the gentleman with a groan; ‘Jenkins in a blue +coat! a man who would suffer death rather than wear anything but brown!’ +‘Do you dare to charge me with telling an untruth?’ demands +the lady, bursting into tears. ‘I charge you, ma’am,’ +retorts the gentleman, starting up, ‘with being a monster of contradiction, +a monster of aggravation, a—a—a—Jenkins in a blue +coat!—what have I done that I should be doomed to hear such statements!’</p> +<p>Expressing himself with great scorn and anguish, the gentleman takes +up his candle and stalks off to bed, where feigning to be fast asleep +when the lady comes up-stairs drowned in tears, murmuring lamentations +over her hard fate and indistinct intentions of consulting her brothers, +he undergoes the secret torture of hearing her exclaim between whiles, +‘I know there are only fourteen doors in the house, I know it +was Mr. Jenkins, I know he had a blue coat on, and I would say it as +positively as I do now, if they were the last words I had to speak!’</p> +<p>If the contradictory couple are blessed with children, they are not +the less contradictory on that account. Master James and Miss +Charlotte present themselves after dinner, and being in perfect good +humour, and finding their parents in the same amiable state, augur from +these appearances half a glass of wine a-piece and other extraordinary +indulgences. But unfortunately Master James, growing talkative +upon such prospects, asks his mamma how tall Mrs. Parsons is, and whether +she is not six feet high; to which his mamma replies, ‘Yes, she +should think she was, for Mrs. Parsons is a very tall lady indeed; quite +a giantess.’ ‘For Heaven’s sake, Charlotte,’ +cries her husband, ‘do not tell the child such preposterous nonsense. +Six feet high!’ ‘Well,’ replies the lady, ‘surely +I may be permitted to have an opinion; my opinion is, that she is six +feet high—at least six feet.’ ‘Now you know, +Charlotte,’ retorts the gentleman sternly, ‘that that is +<i>not</i> your opinion—that you have no such idea—and that +you only say this for the sake of contradiction.’ ‘You +are exceedingly polite,’ his wife replies; ‘to be wrong +about such a paltry question as anybody’s height, would be no +great crime; but I say again, that I believe Mrs. Parsons to be six +feet—more than six feet; nay, I believe you know her to be full +six feet, and only say she is not, because I say she is.’ +This taunt disposes the gentleman to become violent, but he cheeks himself, +and is content to mutter, in a haughty tone, ‘Six feet—ha! +ha! Mrs. Parsons six feet!’ and the lady answers, ‘Yes, +six feet. I am sure I am glad you are amused, and I’ll say +it again—six feet.’ Thus the subject gradually drops +off, and the contradiction begins to be forgotten, when Master James, +with some undefined notion of making himself agreeable, and putting +things to rights again, unfortunately asks his mamma what the moon’s +made of; which gives her occasion to say that he had better not ask +her, for she is always wrong and never can be right; that he only exposes +her to contradiction by asking any question of her; and that he had +better ask his papa, who is infallible, and never can be wrong. +Papa, smarting under this attack, gives a terrible pull at the bell, +and says, that if the conversation is to proceed in this way, the children +had better be removed. Removed they are, after a few tears and +many struggles; and Pa having looked at Ma sideways for a minute or +two, with a baleful eye, draws his pocket-handkerchief over his face, +and composes himself for his after-dinner nap.</p> +<p>The friends of the contradictory couple often deplore their frequent +disputes, though they rather make light of them at the same time: observing, +that there is no doubt they are very much attached to each other, and +that they never quarrel except about trifles. But neither the +friends of the contradictory couple, nor the contradictory couple themselves, +reflect, that as the most stupendous objects in nature are but vast +collections of minute particles, so the slightest and least considered +trifles make up the sum of human happiness or misery.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE COUPLE WHO DOTE UPON THEIR CHILDREN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>The couple who dote upon their children have usually a great many +of them: six or eight at least. The children are either the healthiest +in all the world, or the most unfortunate in existence. In either +case, they are equally the theme of their doting parents, and equally +a source of mental anguish and irritation to their doting parents’ +friends.</p> +<p>The couple who dote upon their children recognise no dates but those +connected with their births, accidents, illnesses, or remarkable deeds. +They keep a mental almanack with a vast number of Innocents’-days, +all in red letters. They recollect the last coronation, because +on that day little Tom fell down the kitchen stairs; the anniversary +of the Gunpowder Plot, because it was on the fifth of November that +Ned asked whether wooden legs were made in heaven and cocked hats grew +in gardens. Mrs. Whiffler will never cease to recollect the last +day of the old year as long as she lives, for it was on that day that +the baby had the four red spots on its nose which they took for measles: +nor Christmas-day, for twenty-one days after Christmas-day the twins +were born; nor Good Friday, for it was on a Good Friday that she was +frightened by the donkey-cart when she was in the family way with Georgiana. +The movable feasts have no motion for Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler, but remain +pinned down tight and fast to the shoulders of some small child, from +whom they can never be separated any more. Time was made, according +to their creed, not for slaves but for girls and boys; the restless +sands in his glass are but little children at play.</p> +<p>As we have already intimated, the children of this couple can know +no medium. They are either prodigies of good health or prodigies +of bad health; whatever they are, they must be prodigies. Mr. +Whiffler must have to describe at his office such excruciating agonies +constantly undergone by his eldest boy, as nobody else’s eldest +boy ever underwent; or he must be able to declare that there never was +a child endowed with such amazing health, such an indomitable constitution, +and such a cast-iron frame, as his child. His children must be, +in some respect or other, above and beyond the children of all other +people. To such an extent is this feeling pushed, that we were +once slightly acquainted with a lady and gentleman who carried their +heads so high and became so proud after their youngest child fell out +of a two-pair-of-stairs window without hurting himself much, that the +greater part of their friends were obliged to forego their acquaintance. +But perhaps this may be an extreme case, and one not justly entitled +to be considered as a precedent of general application.</p> +<p>If a friend happen to dine in a friendly way with one of these couples +who dote upon their children, it is nearly impossible for him to divert +the conversation from their favourite topic. Everything reminds +Mr. Whiffler of Ned, or Mrs. Whiffler of Mary Anne, or of the time before +Ned was born, or the time before Mary Anne was thought of. The +slightest remark, however harmless in itself, will awaken slumbering +recollections of the twins. It is impossible to steer clear of +them. They will come uppermost, let the poor man do what he may. +Ned has been known to be lost sight of for half an hour, Dick has been +forgotten, the name of Mary Anne has not been mentioned, but the twins +will out. Nothing can keep down the twins.</p> +<p>‘It’s a very extraordinary thing, Saunders,’ says +Mr. Whiffler to the visitor, ‘but—you have seen our little +babies, the—the—twins?’ The friend’s heart +sinks within him as he answers, ‘Oh, yes—often.’ +‘Your talking of the Pyramids,’ says Mr. Whiffler, quite +as a matter of course, ‘reminds me of the twins. It’s +a very extraordinary thing about those babies—what colour should +you say their eyes were?’ ‘Upon my word,’ the +friend stammers, ‘I hardly know how to answer’—the +fact being, that except as the friend does not remember to have heard +of any departure from the ordinary course of nature in the instance +of these twins, they might have no eyes at all for aught he has observed +to the contrary. ‘You wouldn’t say they were red, +I suppose?’ says Mr. Whiffler. The friend hesitates, and +rather thinks they are; but inferring from the expression of Mr. Whiffler’s +face that red is not the colour, smiles with some confidence, and says, +‘No, no! very different from that.’ ‘What should +you say to blue?’ says Mr. Whiffler. The friend glances +at him, and observing a different expression in his face, ventures to +say, ‘I should say they <i>were</i> blue—a decided blue.’ +‘To be sure!’ cries Mr. Whiffler, triumphantly, ‘I +knew you would! But what should you say if I was to tell you that +the boy’s eyes are blue and the girl’s hazel, eh?’ +‘Impossible!’ exclaims the friend, not at all knowing why +it should be impossible. ‘A fact, notwithstanding,’ +cries Mr. Whiffler; ‘and let me tell you, Saunders, <i>that’s</i> +not a common thing in twins, or a circumstance that’ll happen +every day.’</p> +<p>In this dialogue Mrs. Whiffler, as being deeply responsible for the +twins, their charms and singularities, has taken no share; but she now +relates, in broken English, a witticism of little Dick’s bearing +upon the subject just discussed, which delights Mr. Whiffler beyond +measure, and causes him to declare that he would have sworn that was +Dick’s if he had heard it anywhere. Then he requests that +Mrs. Whiffler will tell Saunders what Tom said about mad bulls; and +Mrs. Whiffler relating the anecdote, a discussion ensues upon the different +character of Tom’s wit and Dick’s wit, from which it appears +that Dick’s humour is of a lively turn, while Tom’s style +is the dry and caustic. This discussion being enlivened by various +illustrations, lasts a long time, and is only stopped by Mrs. Whiffler +instructing the footman to ring the nursery bell, as the children were +promised that they should come down and taste the pudding.</p> +<p>The friend turns pale when this order is given, and paler still when +it is followed up by a great pattering on the staircase, (not unlike +the sound of rain upon a skylight,) a violent bursting open of the dining-room +door, and the tumultuous appearance of six small children, closely succeeded +by a strong nursery-maid with a twin in each arm. As the whole +eight are screaming, shouting, or kicking—some influenced by a +ravenous appetite, some by a horror of the stranger, and some by a conflict +of the two feelings—a pretty long space elapses before all their +heads can be ranged round the table and anything like order restored; +in bringing about which happy state of things both the nurse and footman +are severely scratched. At length Mrs. Whiffler is heard to say, +‘Mr. Saunders, shall I give you some pudding?’ A breathless +silence ensues, and sixteen small eyes are fixed upon the guest in expectation +of his reply. A wild shout of joy proclaims that he has said ‘No, +thank you.’ Spoons are waved in the air, legs appear above +the table-cloth in uncontrollable ecstasy, and eighty short fingers +dabble in damson syrup.</p> +<p>While the pudding is being disposed of, Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler look +on with beaming countenances, and Mr. Whiffler nudging his friend Saunders, +begs him to take notice of Tom’s eyes, or Dick’s chin, or +Ned’s nose, or Mary Anne’s hair, or Emily’s figure, +or little Bob’s calves, or Fanny’s mouth, or Carry’s +head, as the case may be. Whatever the attention of Mr. Saunders +is called to, Mr. Saunders admires of course; though he is rather confused +about the sex of the youngest branches and looks at the wrong children, +turning to a girl when Mr. Whiffler directs his attention to a boy, +and falling into raptures with a boy when he ought to be enchanted with +a girl. Then the dessert comes, and there is a vast deal of scrambling +after fruit, and sudden spirting forth of juice out of tight oranges +into infant eyes, and much screeching and wailing in consequence. +At length it becomes time for Mrs. Whiffler to retire, and all the children +are by force of arms compelled to kiss and love Mr. Saunders before +going up-stairs, except Tom, who, lying on his back in the hall, proclaims +that Mr. Saunders ‘is a naughty beast;’ and Dick, who having +drunk his father’s wine when he was looking another way, is found +to be intoxicated and is carried out, very limp and helpless.</p> +<p>Mr. Whiffler and his friend are left alone together, but Mr. Whiffler’s +thoughts are still with his family, if his family are not with him. +‘Saunders,’ says he, after a short silence, ‘if you +please, we’ll drink Mrs. Whiffler and the children.’ +Mr. Saunders feels this to be a reproach against himself for not proposing +the same sentiment, and drinks it in some confusion. ‘Ah!’ +Mr. Whiffler sighs, ‘these children, Saunders, make one quite +an old man.’ Mr. Saunders thinks that if they were his, +they would make him a very old man; but he says nothing. ‘And +yet,’ pursues Mr. Whiffler, ‘what can equal domestic happiness? +what can equal the engaging ways of children! Saunders, why don’t +you get married?’ Now, this is an embarrassing question, +because Mr. Saunders has been thinking that if he had at any time entertained +matrimonial designs, the revelation of that day would surely have routed +them for ever. ‘I am glad, however,’ says Mr. Whiffler, +‘that you <i>are</i> a bachelor,—glad on one account, Saunders; +a selfish one, I admit. Will you do Mrs. Whiffler and myself a +favour?’ Mr. Saunders is surprised—evidently surprised; +but he replies, ‘with the greatest pleasure.’ ‘Then, +will you, Saunders,’ says Mr. Whiffler, in an impressive manner, +‘will you cement and consolidate our friendship by coming into +the family (so to speak) as a godfather?’ ‘I shall +be proud and delighted,’ replies Mr. Saunders: ‘which of +the children is it? really, I thought they were all christened; or—’ +‘Saunders,’ Mr. Whiffler interposes, ‘they <i>are</i> +all christened; you are right. The fact is, that Mrs. Whiffler +is—in short, we expect another.’ ‘Not a ninth!’ +cries the friend, all aghast at the idea. ‘Yes, Saunders,’ +rejoins Mr. Whiffler, solemnly, ‘a ninth. Did we drink Mrs. +Whiffler’s health? Let us drink it again, Saunders, and +wish her well over it!’</p> +<p>Doctor Johnson used to tell a story of a man who had but one idea, +which was a wrong one. The couple who dote upon their children +are in the same predicament: at home or abroad, at all times, and in +all places, their thoughts are bound up in this one subject, and have +no sphere beyond. They relate the clever things their offspring +say or do, and weary every company with their prolixity and absurdity. +Mr. Whiffler takes a friend by the button at a street corner on a windy +day to tell him a <i>bon mot</i> of his youngest boy’s; and Mrs. +Whiffler, calling to see a sick acquaintance, entertains her with a +cheerful account of all her own past sufferings and present expectations. +In such cases the sins of the fathers indeed descend upon the children; +for people soon come to regard them as predestined little bores. +The couple who dote upon their children cannot be said to be actuated +by a general love for these engaging little people (which would be a +great excuse); for they are apt to underrate and entertain a jealousy +of any children but their own. If they examined their own hearts, +they would, perhaps, find at the bottom of all this, more self-love +and egotism than they think of. Self-love and egotism are bad +qualities, of which the unrestrained exhibition, though it may be sometimes +amusing, never fails to be wearisome and unpleasant. Couples who +dote upon their children, therefore, are best avoided.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE COOL COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>There is an old-fashioned weather-glass representing a house with +two doorways, in one of which is the figure of a gentleman, in the other +the figure of a lady. When the weather is to be fine the lady +comes out and the gentleman goes in; when wet, the gentleman comes out +and the lady goes in. They never seek each other’s society, +are never elevated and depressed by the same cause, and have nothing +in common. They are the model of a cool couple, except that there +is something of politeness and consideration about the behaviour of +the gentleman in the weather-glass, in which, neither of the cool couple +can be said to participate.</p> +<p>The cool couple are seldom alone together, and when they are, nothing +can exceed their apathy and dulness: the gentleman being for the most +part drowsy, and the lady silent. If they enter into conversation, +it is usually of an ironical or recriminatory nature. Thus, when +the gentleman has indulged in a very long yawn and settled himself more +snugly in his easy-chair, the lady will perhaps remark, ‘Well, +I am sure, Charles! I hope you’re comfortable.’ +To which the gentleman replies, ‘Oh yes, he’s quite comfortable +quite.’ ‘There are not many married men, I hope,’ +returns the lady, ‘who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications +as you do.’ ‘Nor many wives who seek comfort in such +selfish gratifications as <i>you</i> do, I hope,’ retorts the +gentleman. ‘Whose fault is that?’ demands the lady. +The gentleman becoming more sleepy, returns no answer. ‘Whose +fault is that?’ the lady repeats. The gentleman still returning +no answer, she goes on to say that she believes there never was in all +this world anybody so attached to her home, so thoroughly domestic, +so unwilling to seek a moment’s gratification or pleasure beyond +her own fireside as she. God knows that before she was married +she never thought or dreamt of such a thing; and she remembers that +her poor papa used to say again and again, almost every day of his life, +‘Oh, my dear Louisa, if you only marry a man who understands you, +and takes the trouble to consider your happiness and accommodate himself +a very little to your disposition, what a treasure he will find in you!’ +She supposes her papa knew what her disposition was—he had known +her long enough—he ought to have been acquainted with it, but +what can she do? If her home is always dull and lonely, and her +husband is always absent and finds no pleasure in her society, she is +naturally sometimes driven (seldom enough, she is sure) to seek a little +recreation elsewhere; she is not expected to pine and mope to death, +she hopes. ‘Then come, Louisa,’ says the gentleman, +waking up as suddenly as he fell asleep, ‘stop at home this evening, +and so will I.’ ‘I should be sorry to suppose, Charles, +that you took a pleasure in aggravating me,’ replies the lady; +‘but you know as well as I do that I am particularly engaged to +Mrs. Mortimer, and that it would be an act of the grossest rudeness +and ill-breeding, after accepting a seat in her box and preventing her +from inviting anybody else, not to go.’ ‘Ah! there +it is!’ says the gentleman, shrugging his shoulders, ‘I +knew that perfectly well. I knew you couldn’t devote an +evening to your own home. Now all I have to say, Louisa, is this—recollect +that <i>I</i> was quite willing to stay at home, and that it’s +no fault of <i>mine</i> we are not oftener together.’</p> +<p>With that the gentleman goes away to keep an old appointment at his +club, and the lady hurries off to dress for Mrs. Mortimer’s; and +neither thinks of the other until by some odd chance they find themselves +alone again.</p> +<p>But it must not be supposed that the cool couple are habitually a +quarrelsome one. Quite the contrary. These differences are +only occasions for a little self-excuse,—nothing more. In +general they are as easy and careless, and dispute as seldom, as any +common acquaintances may; for it is neither worth their while to put +each other out of the way, nor to ruffle themselves.</p> +<p>When they meet in society, the cool couple are the best-bred people +in existence. The lady is seated in a corner among a little knot +of lady friends, one of whom exclaims, ‘Why, I vow and declare +there is your husband, my dear!’ ‘Whose?—mine?’ +she says, carelessly. ‘Ay, yours, and coming this way too.’ +‘How very odd!’ says the lady, in a languid tone, ‘I +thought he had been at Dover.’ The gentleman coming up, +and speaking to all the other ladies and nodding slightly to his wife, +it turns out that he has been at Dover, and has just now returned. +‘What a strange creature you are!’ cries his wife; ‘and +what on earth brought you here, I wonder?’ ‘I came +to look after you, <i>of course</i>,’ rejoins her husband. +This is so pleasant a jest that the lady is mightily amused, as are +all the other ladies similarly situated who are within hearing; and +while they are enjoying it to the full, the gentleman nods again, turns +upon his heel, and saunters away.</p> +<p>There are times, however, when his company is not so agreeable, though +equally unexpected; such as when the lady has invited one or two particular +friends to tea and scandal, and he happens to come home in the very +midst of their diversion. It is a hundred chances to one that +he remains in the house half an hour, but the lady is rather disturbed +by the intrusion, notwithstanding, and reasons within herself,—‘I +am sure I never interfere with him, and why should he interfere with +me? It can scarcely be accidental; it never happens that I have +a particular reason for not wishing him to come home, but he always +comes. It’s very provoking and tiresome; and I am sure when +he leaves me so much alone for his own pleasure, the least he could +do would be to do as much for mine.’ Observing what passes +in her mind, the gentleman, who has come home for his own accommodation, +makes a merit of it with himself; arrives at the conclusion that it +is the very last place in which he can hope to be comfortable; and determines, +as he takes up his hat and cane, never to be so virtuous again.</p> +<p>Thus a great many cool couples go on until they are cold couples, +and the grave has closed over their folly and indifference. Loss +of name, station, character, life itself, has ensued from causes as +slight as these, before now; and when gossips tell such tales, and aggravate +their deformities, they elevate their hands and eyebrows, and call each +other to witness what a cool couple Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so always were, +even in the best of times.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE PLAUSIBLE COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>The plausible couple have many titles. They are ‘a delightful +couple,’ an ‘affectionate couple,’ ‘a most agreeable +couple, ‘a good-hearted couple,’ and ‘the best-natured +couple in existence.’ The truth is, that the plausible couple +are people of the world; and either the way of pleasing the world has +grown much easier than it was in the days of the old man and his ass, +or the old man was but a bad hand at it, and knew very little of the +trade.</p> +<p>‘But is it really possible to please the world!’ says +some doubting reader. It is indeed. Nay, it is not only +very possible, but very easy. The ways are crooked, and sometimes +foul and low. What then? A man need but crawl upon his hands +and knees, know when to close his eyes and when his ears, when to stoop +and when to stand upright; and if by the world is meant that atom of +it in which he moves himself, he shall please it, never fear.</p> +<p>Now, it will be readily seen, that if a plausible man or woman have +an easy means of pleasing the world by an adaptation of self to all +its twistings and twinings, a plausible man <i>and</i> woman, or, in +other words, a plausible couple, playing into each other’s hands, +and acting in concert, have a manifest advantage. Hence it is +that plausible couples scarcely ever fail of success on a pretty large +scale; and hence it is that if the reader, laying down this unwieldy +volume at the next full stop, will have the goodness to review his or +her circle of acquaintance, and to search particularly for some man +and wife with a large connexion and a good name, not easily referable +to their abilities or their wealth, he or she (that is, the male or +female reader) will certainly find that gentleman or lady, on a very +short reflection, to be a plausible couple.</p> +<p>The plausible couple are the most ecstatic people living: the most +sensitive people—to merit—on the face of the earth. +Nothing clever or virtuous escapes them. They have microscopic +eyes for such endowments, and can find them anywhere. The plausible +couple never fawn—oh no! They don’t even scruple to +tell their friends of their faults. One is too generous, another +too candid; a third has a tendency to think all people like himself, +and to regard mankind as a company of angels; a fourth is kind-hearted +to a fault. ‘We never flatter, my dear Mrs. Jackson,’ +say the plausible couple; ‘we speak our minds. Neither you +nor Mr. Jackson have faults enough. It may sound strangely, but +it is true. You have not faults enough. You know our way,—we +must speak out, and always do. Quarrel with us for saying so, +if you will; but we repeat it,—you have not faults enough!’</p> +<p>The plausible couple are no less plausible to each other than to +third parties. They are always loving and harmonious. The +plausible gentleman calls his wife ‘darling,’ and the plausible +lady addresses him as ‘dearest.’ If it be Mr. and +Mrs. Bobtail Widger, Mrs. Widger is ‘Lavinia, darling,’ +and Mr. Widger is ‘Bobtail, dearest.’ Speaking of +each other, they observe the same tender form. Mrs. Widger relates +what ‘Bobtail’ said, and Mr. Widger recounts what ‘darling’ +thought and did.</p> +<p>If you sit next to the plausible lady at a dinner-table, she takes +the earliest opportunity of expressing her belief that you are acquainted +with the Clickits; she is sure she has heard the Clickits speak of you—she +must not tell you in what terms, or you will take her for a flatterer. +You admit a knowledge of the Clickits; the plausible lady immediately +launches out in their praise. She quite loves the Clickits. +Were there ever such true-hearted, hospitable, excellent people—such +a gentle, interesting little woman as Mrs. Clickit, or such a frank, +unaffected creature as Mr. Clickit? were there ever two people, in short, +so little spoiled by the world as they are? ‘As who, darling?’ +cries Mr. Widger, from the opposite side of the table. ‘The +Clickits, dearest,’ replies Mrs. Widger. ‘Indeed you +are right, darling,’ Mr. Widger rejoins; ‘the Clickits are +a very high-minded, worthy, estimable couple.’ Mrs. Widger +remarking that Bobtail always grows quite eloquent upon this subject, +Mr. Widger admits that he feels very strongly whenever such people as +the Clickits and some other friends of his (here he glances at the host +and hostess) are mentioned; for they are an honour to human nature, +and do one good to think of. ‘<i>You</i> know the Clickits, +Mrs. Jackson?’ he says, addressing the lady of the house. +‘No, indeed; we have not that pleasure,’ she replies. +‘You astonish me!’ exclaims Mr. Widger: ‘not know +the Clickits! why, you are the very people of all others who ought to +be their bosom friends. You are kindred beings; you are one and +the same thing:- not know the Clickits! Now <i>will</i> you know +the Clickits? Will you make a point of knowing them? Will +you meet them in a friendly way at our house one evening, and be acquainted +with them?’ Mrs. Jackson will be quite delighted; nothing +would give her more pleasure. ‘Then, Lavinia, my darling,’ +says Mr. Widger, ‘mind you don’t lose sight of that; now, +pray take care that Mr. and Mrs. Jackson know the Clickits without loss +of time. Such people ought not to be strangers to each other.’ +Mrs. Widger books both families as the centre of attraction for her +next party; and Mr. Widger, going on to expatiate upon the virtues of +the Clickits, adds to their other moral qualities, that they keep one +of the neatest phaetons in town, and have two thousand a year.</p> +<p>As the plausible couple never laud the merits of any absent person, +without dexterously contriving that their praises shall reflect upon +somebody who is present, so they never depreciate anything or anybody, +without turning their depreciation to the same account. Their +friend, Mr. Slummery, say they, is unquestionably a clever painter, +and would no doubt be very popular, and sell his pictures at a very +high price, if that cruel Mr. Fithers had not forestalled him in his +department of art, and made it thoroughly and completely his own;—Fithers, +it is to be observed, being present and within hearing, and Slummery +elsewhere. Is Mrs. Tabblewick really as beautiful as people say? +Why, there indeed you ask them a very puzzling question, because there +is no doubt that she is a very charming woman, and they have long known +her intimately. She is no doubt beautiful, very beautiful; they +once thought her the most beautiful woman ever seen; still if you press +them for an honest answer, they are bound to say that this was before +they had ever seen our lovely friend on the sofa, (the sofa is hard +by, and our lovely friend can’t help hearing the whispers in which +this is said;) since that time, perhaps, they have been hardly fair +judges; Mrs. Tabblewick is no doubt extremely handsome,—very like +our friend, in fact, in the form of the features,—but in point +of expression, and soul, and figure, and air altogether—oh dear!</p> +<p>But while the plausible couple depreciate, they are still careful +to preserve their character for amiability and kind feeling; indeed +the depreciation itself is often made to grow out of their excessive +sympathy and good will. The plausible lady calls on a lady who +dotes upon her children, and is sitting with a little girl upon her +knee, enraptured by her artless replies, and protesting that there is +nothing she delights in so much as conversing with these fairies; when +the other lady inquires if she has seen young Mrs. Finching lately, +and whether the baby has turned out a finer one than it promised to +be. ‘Oh dear!’ cries the plausible lady, ‘you +cannot think how often Bobtail and I have talked about poor Mrs. Finching—she +is such a dear soul, and was so anxious that the baby should be a fine +child—and very naturally, because she was very much here at one +time, and there is, you know, a natural emulation among mothers—that +it is impossible to tell you how much we have felt for her.’ +‘Is it weak or plain, or what?’ inquires the other. +‘Weak or plain, my love,’ returns the plausible lady, ‘it’s +a fright—a perfect little fright; you never saw such a miserable +creature in all your days. Positively you must not let her see +one of these beautiful dears again, or you’ll break her heart, +you will indeed.—Heaven bless this child, see how she is looking +in my face! can you conceive anything prettier than that? If poor +Mrs. Finching could only hope—but that’s impossible—and +the gifts of Providence, you know—What <i>did</i> I do with my +pocket-handkerchief!’</p> +<p>What prompts the mother, who dotes upon her children, to comment +to her lord that evening on the plausible lady’s engaging qualities +and feeling heart, and what is it that procures Mr. and Mrs. Bobtail +Widger an immediate invitation to dinner?</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE NICE LITTLE COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>A custom once prevailed in old-fashioned circles, that when a lady +or gentleman was unable to sing a song, he or she should enliven the +company with a story. As we find ourself in the predicament of +not being able to describe (to our own satisfaction) nice little couples +in the abstract, we purpose telling in this place a little story about +a nice little couple of our acquaintance.</p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup are the nice little couple in question. +Mr. Chirrup has the smartness, and something of the brisk, quick manner +of a small bird. Mrs. Chirrup is the prettiest of all little women, +and has the prettiest little figure conceivable. She has the neatest +little foot, and the softest little voice, and the pleasantest little +smile, and the tidiest little curls, and the brightest little eyes, +and the quietest little manner, and is, in short, altogether one of +the most engaging of all little women, dead or alive. She is a +condensation of all the domestic virtues,—a pocket edition of +the young man’s best companion,—a little woman at a very +high pressure, with an amazing quantity of goodness and usefulness in +an exceedingly small space. Little as she is, Mrs. Chirrup might +furnish forth matter for the moral equipment of a score of housewives, +six feet high in their stockings—if, in the presence of ladies, +we may be allowed the expression—and of corresponding robustness.</p> +<p>Nobody knows all this better than Mr. Chirrup, though he rather takes +on that he don’t. Accordingly he is very proud of his better-half, +and evidently considers himself, as all other people consider him, rather +fortunate in having her to wife. We say evidently, because Mr. +Chirrup is a warm-hearted little fellow; and if you catch his eye when +he has been slyly glancing at Mrs. Chirrup in company, there is a certain +complacent twinkle in it, accompanied, perhaps, by a half-expressed +toss of the head, which as clearly indicates what has been passing in +his mind as if he had put it into words, and shouted it out through +a speaking-trumpet. Moreover, Mr. Chirrup has a particularly mild +and bird-like manner of calling Mrs. Chirrup ‘my dear;’ +and—for he is of a jocose turn—of cutting little witticisms +upon her, and making her the subject of various harmless pleasantries, +which nobody enjoys more thoroughly than Mrs. Chirrup herself. +Mr. Chirrup, too, now and then affects to deplore his bachelor-days, +and to bemoan (with a marvellously contented and smirking face) the +loss of his freedom, and the sorrow of his heart at having been taken +captive by Mrs. Chirrup—all of which circumstances combine to +show the secret triumph and satisfaction of Mr. Chirrup’s soul.</p> +<p>We have already had occasion to observe that Mrs. Chirrup is an incomparable +housewife. In all the arts of domestic arrangement and management, +in all the mysteries of confectionery-making, pickling, and preserving, +never was such a thorough adept as that nice little body. She +is, besides, a cunning worker in muslin and fine linen, and a special +hand at marketing to the very best advantage. But if there be +one branch of housekeeping in which she excels to an utterly unparalleled +and unprecedented extent, it is in the important one of carving. +A roast goose is universally allowed to be the great stumbling-block +in the way of young aspirants to perfection in this department of science; +many promising carvers, beginning with legs of mutton, and preserving +a good reputation through fillets of veal, sirloins of beef, quarters +of lamb, fowls, and even ducks, have sunk before a roast goose, and +lost caste and character for ever. To Mrs. Chirrup the resolving +a goose into its smallest component parts is a pleasant pastime—a +practical joke—a thing to be done in a minute or so, without the +smallest interruption to the conversation of the time. No handing +the dish over to an unfortunate man upon her right or left, no wild +sharpening of the knife, no hacking and sawing at an unruly joint, no +noise, no splash, no heat, no leaving off in despair; all is confidence +and cheerfulness. The dish is set upon the table, the cover is +removed; for an instant, and only an instant, you observe that Mrs. +Chirrup’s attention is distracted; she smiles, but heareth not. +You proceed with your story; meanwhile the glittering knife is slowly +upraised, both Mrs. Chirrup’s wrists are slightly but not ungracefully +agitated, she compresses her lips for an instant, then breaks into a +smile, and all is over. The legs of the bird slide gently down +into a pool of gravy, the wings seem to melt from the body, the breast +separates into a row of juicy slices, the smaller and more complicated +parts of his anatomy are perfectly developed, a cavern of stuffing is +revealed, and the goose is gone!</p> +<p>To dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup is one of the pleasantest things +in the world. Mr. Chirrup has a bachelor friend, who lived with +him in his own days of single blessedness, and to whom he is mightily +attached. Contrary to the usual custom, this bachelor friend is +no less a friend of Mrs. Chirrup’s, and, consequently, whenever +you dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup, you meet the bachelor friend. +It would put any reasonably-conditioned mortal into good-humour to observe +the entire unanimity which subsists between these three; but there is +a quiet welcome dimpling in Mrs. Chirrup’s face, a bustling hospitality +oozing as it were out of the waistcoat-pockets of Mr. Chirrup, and a +patronising enjoyment of their cordiality and satisfaction on the part +of the bachelor friend, which is quite delightful. On these occasions +Mr. Chirrup usually takes an opportunity of rallying the friend on being +single, and the friend retorts on Mr. Chirrup for being married, at +which moments some single young ladies present are like to die of laughter; +and we have more than once observed them bestow looks upon the friend, +which convinces us that his position is by no means a safe one, as, +indeed, we hold no bachelor’s to be who visits married friends +and cracks jokes on wedlock, for certain it is that such men walk among +traps and nets and pitfalls innumerable, and often find themselves down +upon their knees at the altar rails, taking M. or N. for their wedded +wives, before they know anything about the matter.</p> +<p>However, this is no business of Mr. Chirrup’s, who talks, and +laughs, and drinks his wine, and laughs again, and talks more, until +it is time to repair to the drawing-room, where, coffee served and over, +Mrs. Chirrup prepares for a round game, by sorting the nicest possible +little fish into the nicest possible little pools, and calling Mr. Chirrup +to assist her, which Mr. Chirrup does. As they stand side by side, +you find that Mr. Chirrup is the least possible shadow of a shade taller +than Mrs. Chirrup, and that they are the neatest and best-matched little +couple that can be, which the chances are ten to one against your observing +with such effect at any other time, unless you see them in the street +arm-in-arm, or meet them some rainy day trotting along under a very +small umbrella. The round game (at which Mr. Chirrup is the merriest +of the party) being done and over, in course of time a nice little tray +appears, on which is a nice little supper; and when that is finished +likewise, and you have said ‘Good night,’ you find yourself +repeating a dozen times, as you ride home, that there never was such +a nice little couple as Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup.</p> +<p>Whether it is that pleasant qualities, being packed more closely +in small bodies than in large, come more readily to hand than when they +are diffused over a wider space, and have to be gathered together for +use, we don’t know, but as a general rule,—strengthened +like all other rules by its exceptions,—we hold that little people +are sprightly and good-natured. The more sprightly and good-natured +people we have, the better; therefore, let us wish well to all nice +little couples, and hope that they may increase and multiply.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE EGOTISTICAL COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Egotism in couples is of two kinds.—It is our purpose to show +this by two examples.</p> +<p>The egotistical couple may be young, old, middle-aged, well to do, +or ill to do; they may have a small family, a large family, or no family +at all. There is no outward sign by which an egotistical couple +may be known and avoided. They come upon you unawares; there is +no guarding against them. No man can of himself be forewarned +or forearmed against an egotistical couple.</p> +<p>The egotistical couple have undergone every calamity, and experienced +every pleasurable and painful sensation of which our nature is susceptible. +You cannot by possibility tell the egotistical couple anything they +don’t know, or describe to them anything they have not felt. +They have been everything but dead. Sometimes we are tempted to +wish they had been even that, but only in our uncharitable moments, +which are few and far between.</p> +<p>We happened the other day, in the course of a morning call, to encounter +an egotistical couple, nor were we suffered to remain long in ignorance +of the fact, for our very first inquiry of the lady of the house brought +them into active and vigorous operation. The inquiry was of course +touching the lady’s health, and the answer happened to be, that +she had not been very well. ‘Oh, my dear!’ said the +egotistical lady, ‘don’t talk of not being well. We +have been in <i>such</i> a state since we saw you last!’—The +lady of the house happening to remark that her lord had not been well +either, the egotistical gentleman struck in: ‘Never let Briggs +complain of not being well—never let Briggs complain, my dear +Mrs. Briggs, after what I have undergone within these six weeks. +He doesn’t know what it is to be ill, he hasn’t the least +idea of it; not the faintest conception.’—‘My dear,’ +interposed his wife smiling, ‘you talk as if it were almost a +crime in Mr. Briggs not to have been as ill as we have been, instead +of feeling thankful to Providence that both he and our dear Mrs. Briggs +are in such blissful ignorance of real suffering.’—‘My +love,’ returned the egotistical gentleman, in a low and pious +voice, ‘you mistake me;—I feel grateful—very grateful. +I trust our friends may never purchase their experience as dearly as +we have bought ours; I hope they never may!’</p> +<p>Having put down Mrs. Briggs upon this theme, and settled the question +thus, the egotistical gentleman turned to us, and, after a few preliminary +remarks, all tending towards and leading up to the point he had in his +mind, inquired if we happened to be acquainted with the Dowager Lady +Snorflerer. On our replying in the negative, he presumed we had +often met Lord Slang, or beyond all doubt, that we were on intimate +terms with Sir Chipkins Glogwog. Finding that we were equally +unable to lay claim to either of these distinctions, he expressed great +astonishment, and turning to his wife with a retrospective smile, inquired +who it was that had told that capital story about the mashed potatoes. +‘Who, my dear?’ returned the egotistical lady, ‘why +Sir Chipkins, of course; how can you ask! Don’t you remember +his applying it to our cook, and saying that you and I were so like +the Prince and Princess, that he could almost have sworn we were they?’ +‘To be sure, I remember that,’ said the egotistical gentleman, +‘but are you quite certain that didn’t apply to the other +anecdote about the Emperor of Austria and the pump?’ ‘Upon +my word then, I think it did,’ replied his wife. ‘To +be sure it did,’ said the egotistical gentleman, ‘it was +Slang’s story, I remember now, perfectly.’ However, +it turned out, a few seconds afterwards, that the egotistical gentleman’s +memory was rather treacherous, as he began to have a misgiving that +the story had been told by the Dowager Lady Snorflerer the very last +time they dined there; but there appearing, on further consideration, +strong circumstantial evidence tending to show that this couldn’t +be, inasmuch as the Dowager Lady Snorflerer had been, on the occasion +in question, wholly engrossed by the egotistical lady, the egotistical +gentleman recanted this opinion; and after laying the story at the doors +of a great many great people, happily left it at last with the Duke +of Scuttlewig:- observing that it was not extraordinary he had forgotten +his Grace hitherto, as it often happened that the names of those with +whom we were upon the most familiar footing were the very last to present +themselves to our thoughts.</p> +<p>It not only appeared that the egotistical couple knew everybody, +but that scarcely any event of importance or notoriety had occurred +for many years with which they had not been in some way or other connected. +Thus we learned that when the well-known attempt upon the life of George +the Third was made by Hatfield in Drury Lane theatre, the egotistical +gentleman’s grandfather sat upon his right hand and was the first +man who collared him; and that the egotistical lady’s aunt, sitting +within a few boxes of the royal party, was the only person in the audience +who heard his Majesty exclaim, ‘Charlotte, Charlotte, don’t +be frightened, don’t be frightened; they’re letting off +squibs, they’re letting off squibs.’ When the fire +broke out, which ended in the destruction of the two Houses of Parliament, +the egotistical couple, being at the time at a drawing-room window on +Blackheath, then and there simultaneously exclaimed, to the astonishment +of a whole party—‘It’s the House of Lords!’ +Nor was this a solitary instance of their peculiar discernment, for +chancing to be (as by a comparison of dates and circumstances they afterwards +found) in the same omnibus with Mr. Greenacre, when he carried his victim’s +head about town in a blue bag, they both remarked a singular twitching +in the muscles of his countenance; and walking down Fish Street Hill, +a few weeks since, the egotistical gentleman said to his lady—slightly +casting up his eyes to the top of the Monument—‘There’s +a boy up there, my dear, reading a Bible. It’s very strange. +I don’t like it.—In five seconds afterwards, Sir,’ +says the egotistical gentleman, bringing his hands together with one +violent clap—‘the lad was over!’</p> +<p>Diversifying these topics by the introduction of many others of the +same kind, and entertaining us between whiles with a minute account +of what weather and diet agreed with them, and what weather and diet +disagreed with them, and at what time they usually got up, and at what +time went to bed, with many other particulars of their domestic economy +too numerous to mention; the egotistical couple at length took their +leave, and afforded us an opportunity of doing the same.</p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone are an egotistical couple of another class, +for all the lady’s egotism is about her husband, and all the gentleman’s +about his wife. For example:- Mr. Sliverstone is a clerical gentleman, +and occasionally writes sermons, as clerical gentlemen do. If +you happen to obtain admission at the street-door while he is so engaged, +Mrs. Sliverstone appears on tip-toe, and speaking in a solemn whisper, +as if there were at least three or four particular friends up-stairs, +all upon the point of death, implores you to be very silent, for Mr. +Sliverstone is composing, and she need not say how very important it +is that he should not be disturbed. Unwilling to interrupt anything +so serious, you hasten to withdraw, with many apologies; but this Mrs. +Sliverstone will by no means allow, observing, that she knows you would +like to see him, as it is very natural you should, and that she is determined +to make a trial for you, as you are a great favourite. So you +are led up-stairs—still on tip-toe—to the door of a little +back room, in which, as the lady informs you in a whisper, Mr. Sliverstone +always writes. No answer being returned to a couple of soft taps, +the lady opens the door, and there, sure enough, is Mr. Sliverstone, +with dishevelled hair, powdering away with pen, ink, and paper, at a +rate which, if he has any power of sustaining it, would settle the longest +sermon in no time. At first he is too much absorbed to be roused +by this intrusion; but presently looking up, says faintly, ‘Ah!’ +and pointing to his desk with a weary and languid smile, extends his +hand, and hopes you’ll forgive him. Then Mrs. Sliverstone +sits down beside him, and taking his hand in hers, tells you how that +Mr. Sliverstone has been shut up there ever since nine o’clock +in the morning, (it is by this time twelve at noon,) and how she knows +it cannot be good for his health, and is very uneasy about it. +Unto this Mr. Sliverstone replies firmly, that ‘It must be done;’ +which agonizes Mrs. Sliverstone still more, and she goes on to tell +you that such were Mr. Sliverstone’s labours last week—what +with the buryings, marryings, churchings, christenings, and all together,—that +when he was going up the pulpit stairs on Sunday evening, he was obliged +to hold on by the rails, or he would certainly have fallen over into +his own pew. Mr. Sliverstone, who has been listening and smiling +meekly, says, ‘Not quite so bad as that, not quite so bad!’ +he admits though, on cross-examination, that he <i>was</i> very near +falling upon the verger who was following him up to bolt the door; but +adds, that it was his duty as a Christian to fall upon him, if need +were, and that he, Mr. Sliverstone, and (possibly the verger too) ought +to glory in it.</p> +<p>This sentiment communicates new impulse to Mrs. Sliverstone, who +launches into new praises of Mr. Sliverstone’s worth and excellence, +to which he listens in the same meek silence, save when he puts in a +word of self-denial relative to some question of fact, as—‘Not +seventy-two christenings that week, my dear. Only seventy-one, +only seventy-one.’ At length his lady has quite concluded, +and then he says, Why should he repine, why should he give way, why +should he suffer his heart to sink within him? Is it he alone +who toils and suffers? What has she gone through, he should like +to know? What does she go through every day for him and for society?</p> +<p>With such an exordium Mr. Sliverstone launches out into glowing praises +of the conduct of Mrs. Sliverstone in the production of eight young +children, and the subsequent rearing and fostering of the same; and +thus the husband magnifies the wife, and the wife the husband.</p> +<p>This would be well enough if Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone kept it to +themselves, or even to themselves and a friend or two; but they do not. +The more hearers they have, the more egotistical the couple become, +and the more anxious they are to make believers in their merits. +Perhaps this is the worst kind of egotism. It has not even the +poor excuse of being spontaneous, but is the result of a deliberate +system and malice aforethought. Mere empty-headed conceit excites +our pity, but ostentatious hypocrisy awakens our disgust.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE COUPLE WHO CODDLE THEMSELVES</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Mrs. Merrywinkle’s maiden name was Chopper. She was the +only child of Mr. and Mrs. Chopper. Her father died when she was, +as the play-books express it, ‘yet an infant;’ and so old +Mrs. Chopper, when her daughter married, made the house of her son-in-law +her home from that time henceforth, and set up her staff of rest with +Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle.</p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle are a couple who coddle themselves; and +the venerable Mrs. Chopper is an aider and abettor in the same.</p> +<p>Mr. Merrywinkle is a rather lean and long-necked gentleman, middle-aged +and middle-sized, and usually troubled with a cold in the head. +Mrs. Merrywinkle is a delicate-looking lady, with very light hair, and +is exceedingly subject to the same unpleasant disorder. The venerable +Mrs. Chopper—who is strictly entitled to the appellation, her +daughter not being very young, otherwise than by courtesy, at the time +of her marriage, which was some years ago—is a mysterious old +lady who lurks behind a pair of spectacles, and is afflicted with a +chronic disease, respecting which she has taken a vast deal of medical +advice, and referred to a vast number of medical books, without meeting +any definition of symptoms that at all suits her, or enables her to +say, ‘That’s my complaint.’ Indeed, the absence +of authentic information upon the subject of this complaint would seem +to be Mrs. Chopper’s greatest ill, as in all other respects she +is an uncommonly hale and hearty gentlewoman.</p> +<p>Both Mr. and Mrs. Chopper wear an extraordinary quantity of flannel, +and have a habit of putting their feet in hot water to an unnatural +extent. They likewise indulge in chamomile tea and such-like compounds, +and rub themselves on the slightest provocation with camphorated spirits +and other lotions applicable to mumps, sore-throat, rheumatism, or lumbago.</p> +<p>Mr. Merrywinkle’s leaving home to go to business on a damp +or wet morning is a very elaborate affair. He puts on wash-leather +socks over his stockings, and India-rubber shoes above his boots, and +wears under his waistcoat a cuirass of hare-skin. Besides these +precautions, he winds a thick shawl round his throat, and blocks up +his mouth with a large silk handkerchief. Thus accoutred, and +furnished besides with a great-coat and umbrella, he braves the dangers +of the streets; travelling in severe weather at a gentle trot, the better +to preserve the circulation, and bringing his mouth to the surface to +take breath, but very seldom, and with the utmost caution. His +office-door opened, he shoots past his clerk at the same pace, and diving +into his own private room, closes the door, examines the window-fastenings, +and gradually unrobes himself: hanging his pocket-handkerchief on the +fender to air, and determining to write to the newspapers about the +fog, which, he says, ‘has really got to that pitch that it is +quite unbearable.’</p> +<p>In this last opinion Mrs. Merrywinkle and her respected mother fully +concur; for though not present, their thoughts and tongues are occupied +with the same subject, which is their constant theme all day. +If anybody happens to call, Mrs. Merrywinkle opines that they must assuredly +be mad, and her first salutation is, ‘Why, what in the name of +goodness can bring you out in such weather? You know you <i>must</i> +catch your death.’ This assurance is corroborated by Mrs. +Chopper, who adds, in further confirmation, a dismal legend concerning +an individual of her acquaintance who, making a call under precisely +parallel circumstances, and being then in the best health and spirits, +expired in forty-eight hours afterwards, of a complication of inflammatory +disorders. The visitor, rendered not altogether comfortable perhaps +by this and other precedents, inquires very affectionately after Mr. +Merrywinkle, but by so doing brings about no change of the subject; +for Mr. Merrywinkle’s name is inseparably connected with his complaints, +and his complaints are inseparably connected with Mrs. Merrywinkle’s; +and when these are done with, Mrs. Chopper, who has been biding her +time, cuts in with the chronic disorder—a subject upon which the +amiable old lady never leaves off speaking until she is left alone, +and very often not then.</p> +<p>But Mr. Merrywinkle comes home to dinner. He is received by +Mrs. Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper, who, on his remarking that he thinks +his feet are damp, turn pale as ashes and drag him up-stairs, imploring +him to have them rubbed directly with a dry coarse towel. Rubbed +they are, one by Mrs. Merrywinkle and one by Mrs. Chopper, until the +friction causes Mr. Merrywinkle to make horrible faces, and look as +if he had been smelling very powerful onions; when they desist, and +the patient, provided for his better security with thick worsted stockings +and list slippers, is borne down-stairs to dinner. Now, the dinner +is always a good one, the appetites of the diners being delicate, and +requiring a little of what Mrs. Merrywinkle calls ‘tittivation;’ +the secret of which is understood to lie in good cookery and tasteful +spices, and which process is so successfully performed in the present +instance, that both Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle eat a remarkably good dinner, +and even the afflicted Mrs. Chopper wields her knife and fork with much +of the spirit and elasticity of youth. But Mr. Merrywinkle, in +his desire to gratify his appetite, is not unmindful of his health, +for he has a bottle of carbonate of soda with which to qualify his porter, +and a little pair of scales in which to weigh it out. Neither +in his anxiety to take care of his body is he unmindful of the welfare +of his immortal part, as he always prays that for what he is going to +receive he may be made truly thankful; and in order that he may be as +thankful as possible, eats and drinks to the utmost.</p> +<p>Either from eating and drinking so much, or from being the victim +of this constitutional infirmity, among others, Mr. Merrywinkle, after +two or three glasses of wine, falls fast asleep; and he has scarcely +closed his eyes, when Mrs. Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper fall asleep +likewise. It is on awakening at tea-time that their most alarming +symptoms prevail; for then Mr. Merrywinkle feels as if his temples were +tightly bound round with the chain of the street-door, and Mrs. Merrywinkle +as if she had made a hearty dinner of half-hundredweights, and Mrs. +Chopper as if cold water were running down her back, and oyster-knives +with sharp points were plunging of their own accord into her ribs. +Symptoms like these are enough to make people peevish, and no wonder +that they remain so until supper-time, doing little more than doze and +complain, unless Mr. Merrywinkle calls out very loudly to a servant +‘to keep that draught out,’ or rushes into the passage to +flourish his fist in the countenance of the twopenny-postman, for daring +to give such a knock as he had just performed at the door of a private +gentleman with nerves.</p> +<p>Supper, coming after dinner, should consist of some gentle provocative; +and therefore the tittivating art is again in requisition, and again—done +honour to by Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, still comforted and abetted by +Mrs. Chopper. After supper, it is ten to one but the last-named +old lady becomes worse, and is led off to bed with the chronic complaint +in full vigour. Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, having administered +to her a warm cordial, which is something of the strongest, then repair +to their own room, where Mr. Merrywinkle, with his legs and feet in +hot water, superintends the mulling of some wine which he is to drink +at the very moment he plunges into bed, while Mrs. Merrywinkle, in garments +whose nature is unknown to and unimagined by all but married men, takes +four small pills with a spasmodic look between each, and finally comes +to something hot and fragrant out of another little saucepan, which +serves as her composing-draught for the night.</p> +<p>There is another kind of couple who coddle themselves, and who do +so at a cheaper rate and on more spare diet, because they are niggardly +and parsimonious; for which reason they are kind enough to coddle their +visitors too. It is unnecessary to describe them, for our readers +may rest assured of the accuracy of these general principles:- that +all couples who coddle themselves are selfish and slothful,—that +they charge upon every wind that blows, every rain that falls, and every +vapour that hangs in the air, the evils which arise from their own imprudence +or the gloom which is engendered in their own tempers,—and that +all men and women, in couples or otherwise, who fall into exclusive +habits of self-indulgence, and forget their natural sympathy and close +connexion with everybody and everything in the world around them, not +only neglect the first duty of life, but, by a happy retributive justice, +deprive themselves of its truest and best enjoyment.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE OLD COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>They are grandfather and grandmother to a dozen grown people and +have great-grandchildren besides; their bodies are bent, their hair +is grey, their step tottering and infirm. Is this the lightsome +pair whose wedding was so merry, and have the young couple indeed grown +old so soon!</p> +<p>It seems but yesterday—and yet what a host of cares and griefs +are crowded into the intervening time which, reckoned by them, lengthens +out into a century! How many new associations have wreathed themselves +about their hearts since then! The old time is gone, and a new +time has come for others—not for them. They are but the +rusting link that feebly joins the two, and is silently loosening its +hold and dropping asunder.</p> +<p>It seems but yesterday—and yet three of their children have +sunk into the grave, and the tree that shades it has grown quite old. +One was an infant—they wept for him; the next a girl, a slight +young thing too delicate for earth—her loss was hard indeed to +bear. The third, a man. That was the worst of all, but even +that grief is softened now.</p> +<p>It seems but yesterday—and yet how the gay and laughing faces +of that bright morning have changed and vanished from above ground! +Faint likenesses of some remain about them yet, but they are very faint +and scarcely to be traced. The rest are only seen in dreams, and +even they are unlike what they were, in eyes so old and dim.</p> +<p>One or two dresses from the bridal wardrobe are yet preserved. +They are of a quaint and antique fashion, and seldom seen except in +pictures. White has turned yellow, and brighter hues have faded. +Do you wonder, child? The wrinkled face was once as smooth as +yours, the eyes as bright, the shrivelled skin as fair and delicate. +It is the work of hands that have been dust these many years.</p> +<p>Where are the fairy lovers of that happy day whose annual return +comes upon the old man and his wife, like the echo of some village bell +which has long been silent? Let yonder peevish bachelor, racked +by rheumatic pains, and quarrelling with the world, let him answer to +the question. He recollects something of a favourite playmate; +her name was Lucy—so they tell him. He is not sure whether +she was married, or went abroad, or died. It is a long while ago, +and he don’t remember.</p> +<p>Is nothing as it used to be; does no one feel, or think, or act, +as in days of yore? Yes. There is an aged woman who once +lived servant with the old lady’s father, and is sheltered in +an alms-house not far off. She is still attached to the family, +and loves them all; she nursed the children in her lap, and tended in +their sickness those who are no more. Her old mistress has still +something of youth in her eyes; the young ladies are like what she was +but not quite so handsome, nor are the gentlemen as stately as Mr. Harvey +used to be. She has seen a great deal of trouble; her husband +and her son died long ago; but she has got over that, and is happy now—quite +happy.</p> +<p>If ever her attachment to her old protectors were disturbed by fresher +cares and hopes, it has long since resumed its former current. +It has filled the void in the poor creature’s heart, and replaced +the love of kindred. Death has not left her alone, and this, with +a roof above her head, and a warm hearth to sit by, makes her cheerful +and contented. Does she remember the marriage of great-grandmamma? +Ay, that she does, as well—as if it was only yesterday. +You wouldn’t think it to look at her now, and perhaps she ought +not to say so of herself, but she was as smart a young girl then as +you’d wish to see. She recollects she took a friend of hers +up-stairs to see Miss Emma dressed for church; her name was—ah! +she forgets the name, but she remembers that she was a very pretty girl, +and that she married not long afterwards, and lived—it has quite +passed out of her mind where she lived, but she knows she had a bad +husband who used her ill, and that she died in Lambeth work-house. +Dear, dear, in Lambeth workhouse!</p> +<p>And the old couple—have they no comfort or enjoyment of existence? +See them among their grandchildren and great-grandchildren; how garrulous +they are, how they compare one with another, and insist on likenesses +which no one else can see; how gently the old lady lectures the girls +on points of breeding and decorum, and points the moral by anecdotes +of herself in her young days—how the old gentleman chuckles over +boyish feats and roguish tricks, and tells long stories of a ‘barring-out’ +achieved at the school he went to: which was very wrong, he tells the +boys, and never to be imitated of course, but which he cannot help letting +them know was very pleasant too—especially when he kissed the +master’s niece. This last, however, is a point on which +the old lady is very tender, for she considers it a shocking and indelicate +thing to talk about, and always says so whenever it is mentioned, never +failing to observe that he ought to be very penitent for having been +so sinful. So the old gentleman gets no further, and what the +schoolmaster’s niece said afterwards (which he is always going +to tell) is lost to posterity.</p> +<p>The old gentleman is eighty years old, to-day—‘Eighty +years old, Crofts, and never had a headache,’ he tells the barber +who shaves him (the barber being a young fellow, and very subject to +that complaint). ‘That’s a great age, Crofts,’ +says the old gentleman. ‘I don’t think it’s +sich a wery great age, Sir,’ replied the barber. ‘Crofts,’ +rejoins the old gentleman, ‘you’re talking nonsense to me. +Eighty not a great age?’ ‘It’s a wery great +age, Sir, for a gentleman to be as healthy and active as you are,’ +returns the barber; ‘but my grandfather, Sir, he was ninety-four.’ +‘You don’t mean that, Crofts?’ says the old gentleman. +‘I do indeed, Sir,’ retorts the barber, ‘and as wiggerous +as Julius Caesar, my grandfather was.’ The old gentleman +muses a little time, and then says, ‘What did he die of, Crofts?’ +‘He died accidentally, Sir,’ returns the barber; ‘he +didn’t mean to do it. He always would go a running about +the streets—walking never satisfied <i>his</i> spirit—and +he run against a post and died of a hurt in his chest.’ +The old gentleman says no more until the shaving is concluded, and then +he gives Crofts half-a-crown to drink his health. He is a little +doubtful of the barber’s veracity afterwards, and telling the +anecdote to the old lady, affects to make very light of it—though +to be sure (he adds) there was old Parr, and in some parts of England, +ninety-five or so is a common age, quite a common age.</p> +<p>This morning the old couple are cheerful but serious, recalling old +times as well as they can remember them, and dwelling upon many passages +in their past lives which the day brings to mind. The old lady +reads aloud, in a tremulous voice, out of a great Bible, and the old +gentleman with his hand to his ear, listens with profound respect. +When the book is closed, they sit silent for a short space, and afterwards +resume their conversation, with a reference perhaps to their dead children, +as a subject not unsuited to that they have just left. By degrees +they are led to consider which of those who survive are the most like +those dearly-remembered objects, and so they fall into a less solemn +strain, and become cheerful again.</p> +<p>How many people in all, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and one +or two intimate friends of the family, dine together to-day at the eldest +son’s to congratulate the old couple, and wish them many happy +returns, is a calculation beyond our powers; but this we know, that +the old couple no sooner present themselves, very sprucely and carefully +attired, than there is a violent shouting and rushing forward of the +younger branches with all manner of presents, such as pocket-books, +pencil-cases, pen-wipers, watch-papers, pin-cushions, sleeve-buckles, +worked-slippers, watch-guards, and even a nutmeg-grater: the latter +article being presented by a very chubby and very little boy, who exhibits +it in great triumph as an extraordinary variety. The old couple’s +emotion at these tokens of remembrance occasions quite a pathetic scene, +of which the chief ingredients are a vast quantity of kissing and hugging, +and repeated wipings of small eyes and noses with small square pocket-handkerchiefs, +which don’t come at all easily out of small pockets. Even +the peevish bachelor is moved, and he says, as he presents the old gentleman +with a queer sort of antique ring from his own finger, that he’ll +be de’ed if he doesn’t think he looks younger than he did +ten years ago.</p> +<p>But the great time is after dinner, when the dessert and wine are +on the table, which is pushed back to make plenty of room, and they +are all gathered in a large circle round the fire, for it is then—the +glasses being filled, and everybody ready to drink the toast—that +two great-grandchildren rush out at a given signal, and presently return, +dragging in old Jane Adams leaning upon her crutched stick, and trembling +with age and pleasure. Who so popular as poor old Jane, nurse +and story-teller in ordinary to two generations; and who so happy as +she, striving to bend her stiff limbs into a curtsey, while tears of +pleasure steal down her withered cheeks!</p> +<p>The old couple sit side by side, and the old time seems like yesterday +indeed. Looking back upon the path they have travelled, its dust +and ashes disappear; the flowers that withered long ago, show brightly +again upon its borders, and they grow young once more in the youth of +those about them.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CONCLUSION</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>We have taken for the subjects of the foregoing moral essays, twelve +samples of married couples, carefully selected from a large stock on +hand, open to the inspection of all comers. These samples are +intended for the benefit of the rising generation of both sexes, and, +for their more easy and pleasant information, have been separately ticketed +and labelled in the manner they have seen.</p> +<p>We have purposely excluded from consideration the couple in which +the lady reigns paramount and supreme, holding such cases to be of a +very unnatural kind, and like hideous births and other monstrous deformities, +only to be discreetly and sparingly exhibited.</p> +<p>And here our self-imposed task would have ended, but that to those +young ladies and gentlemen who are yet revolving singly round the church, +awaiting the advent of that time when the mysterious laws of attraction +shall draw them towards it in couples, we are desirous of addressing +a few last words.</p> +<p>Before marriage and afterwards, let them learn to centre all their +hopes of real and lasting happiness in their own fireside; let them +cherish the faith that in home, and all the English virtues which the +love of home engenders, lies the only true source of domestic felicity; +let them believe that round the household gods, contentment and tranquillity +cluster in their gentlest and most graceful forms; and that many weary +hunters of happiness through the noisy world, have learnt this truth +too late, and found a cheerful spirit and a quiet mind only at home +at last.</p> +<p>How much may depend on the education of daughters and the conduct +of mothers; how much of the brightest part of our old national character +may be perpetuated by their wisdom or frittered away by their folly—how +much of it may have been lost already, and how much more in danger of +vanishing every day—are questions too weighty for discussion here, +but well deserving a little serious consideration from all young couples +nevertheless.</p> +<p>To that one young couple on whose bright destiny the thoughts of +nations are fixed, may the youth of England look, and not in vain, for +an example. From that one young couple, blessed and favoured as +they are, may they learn that even the glare and glitter of a court, +the splendour of a palace, and the pomp and glory of a throne, yield +in their power of conferring happiness, to domestic worth and virtue. +From that one young couple may they learn that the crown of a great +empire, costly and jewelled though it be, gives place in the estimation +of a Queen to the plain gold ring that links her woman’s nature +to that of tens of thousands of her humble subjects, and guards in her +woman’s heart one secret store of tenderness, whose proudest boast +shall be that it knows no Royalty save Nature’s own, and no pride +of birth but being the child of heaven!</p> +<p>So shall the highest young couple in the land for once hear the truth, +when men throw up their caps, and cry with loving shouts -</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>GOD BLESS THEM.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<p>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES ***</p> +<pre> + +******This file should be named yngcp10h.htm or yngcp10h.zip****** +Corrected EDITIONS of our EBooks get a new NUMBER, yngcp11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, yngcp10ah.htm + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we usually do not +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +We are now trying to release all our eBooks one year in advance +of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing. +Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections, +even years after the official publication date. + +Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg eBooks is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. + +Most people start at our Web sites at: +http://gutenberg.net or +http://promo.net/pg + +These Web sites include award-winning information about Project +Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new +eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!). + + +Those of you who want to download any eBook before announcement +can get to them as follows, and just download by date. This is +also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the +indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an +announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter. + +http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext04 or +ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext04 + +Or /etext03, 02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90 + +Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want, +as it appears in our Newsletters. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours +to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. Our +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If the value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text +files per month: 1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+ +We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002 +If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total +will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks! +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users. + +Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated): + +eBooks Year Month + + 1 1971 July + 10 1991 January + 100 1994 January + 1000 1997 August + 1500 1998 October + 2000 1999 December + 2500 2000 December + 3000 2001 November + 4000 2001 October/November + 6000 2002 December* + 9000 2003 November* +10000 2004 January* + + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created +to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people +and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut, +Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, +Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, +Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New +Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, +Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South +Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West +Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. + +We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones +that have responded. + +As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list +will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states. +Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state. + +In answer to various questions we have received on this: + +We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally +request donations in all 50 states. If your state is not listed and +you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have, +just ask. + +While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are +not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting +donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to +donate. + +International donations are accepted, but we don't know ANYTHING about +how to make them tax-deductible, or even if they CAN be made +deductible, and don't have the staff to handle it even if there are +ways. + +Donations by check or money order may be sent to: + + PROJECT GUTENBERG LITERARY ARCHIVE FOUNDATION + 809 North 1500 West + Salt Lake City, UT 84116 + +Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment +method other than by check or money order. + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by +the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN +[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154. Donations are +tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law. As fund-raising +requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be +made and fund-raising will begin in the additional states. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +You can get up to date donation information online at: + +http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html + + +*** + +If you can't reach Project Gutenberg, +you can always email directly to: + +Michael S. Hart hart@pobox.com + +Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message. + +We would prefer to send you information by email. + + +**The Legal Small Print** + + +(Three Pages) + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this eBook, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you may distribute copies of this eBook if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS EBOOK +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +eBook, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this eBook by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this eBook on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM EBOOKS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBooks, +is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart +through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project"). +Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook +under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market +any commercial products without permission. + +To create these eBooks, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's eBooks and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other eBook medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may +receive this eBook from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook) disclaims +all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this eBook within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS EBOOK IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE EBOOK OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation, +and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated +with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm +texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including +legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the +following that you do or cause: [1] distribution of this eBook, +[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the eBook, +or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this eBook electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + eBook or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this eBook in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word + processing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The eBook, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The eBook may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the eBook (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + eBook in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the eBook refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the + gross profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation" + the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were + legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent + periodic) tax return. Please contact us beforehand to + let us know your plans and to work out the details. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of +public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed +in machine readable form. + +The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time, +public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses. +Money should be paid to the: +"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or +software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at: +hart@pobox.com + +[Portions of this eBook's header and trailer may be reprinted only +when distributed free of all fees. Copyright (C) 2001, 2002 by +Michael S. Hart. Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be +used in any sales of Project Gutenberg eBooks or other materials be +they hardware or software or any other related product without +express permission.] + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* +</pre></body> +</html> diff --git a/old/yngcp10h.zip b/old/yngcp10h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d770a6e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/yngcp10h.zip |
