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diff --git a/old/yngcp10h.htm b/old/yngcp10h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e928fd --- /dev/null +++ b/old/yngcp10h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2088 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>Sketches of Young Couples</title> +</head> +<body> +<h2> +<a href="#startoftext">Sketches of Young Couples, by Charles Dickens</a> +</h2> +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Sketches of Young Couples, by Charles Dickens +(#24 in our series by Charles Dickens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Sketches of Young Couples + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: May, 1997 [EBook #916] +[This file was first posted on May 22, 1997] +[Most recently updated: May 8, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII +</pre> +<p><a name="startoftext"></a></p> +<p>Transcribed from the 1903 edition by David Price, +email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<h1>SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES</h1> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<p>AN URGENT REMONSTRANCE, &c</p> +<p>TO THE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND,</p> +<p>(BEING BACHELORS OR WIDOWERS,)</p> +<p>THE REMONSTRANCE OF THEIR FAITHFUL FELLOW-SUBJECT,</p> +<p>SHEWETH,-</p> +<p>THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, Victoria, by the Grace of God of +the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland Queen, Defender of the +Faith, did, on the 23rd day of November last past, declare and pronounce +to Her Most Honourable Privy Council, Her Majesty’s Most Gracious +intention of entering into the bonds of wedlock.</p> +<p>THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, in so making known Her Most Gracious +intention to Her Most Honourable Privy Council as aforesaid, did use +and employ the words—‘It is my intention to ally myself +in marriage with Prince Albert of Saxe Coburg and Gotha.’</p> +<p>THAT the present is Bissextile, or Leap Year, in which it is held +and considered lawful for any lady to offer and submit proposals of +marriage to any gentleman, and to enforce and insist upon acceptance +of the same, under pain of a certain fine or penalty; to wit, one silk +or satin dress of the first quality, to be chosen by the lady and paid +(or owed) for, by the gentleman.</p> +<p>THAT these and other the horrors and dangers with which the said +Bissextile, or Leap Year, threatens the gentlemen of England on every +occasion of its periodical return, have been greatly aggravated and +augmented by the terms of Her Majesty’s said Most Gracious communication, +which have filled the heads of divers young ladies in this Realm with +certain new ideas destructive to the peace of mankind, that never entered +their imagination before.</p> +<p>THAT a case has occurred in Camberwell, in which a young lady informed +her Papa that ‘she intended to ally herself in marriage’ +with Mr. Smith of Stepney; and that another, and a very distressing +case, has occurred at Tottenham, in which a young lady not only stated +her intention of allying herself in marriage with her cousin John, but, +taking violent possession of her said cousin, actually married him.</p> +<p>THAT similar outrages are of constant occurrence, not only in the +capital and its neighbourhood, but throughout the kingdom, and that +unless the excited female populace be speedily checked and restrained +in their lawless proceedings, most deplorable results must ensue therefrom; +among which may be anticipated a most alarming increase in the population +of the country, with which no efforts of the agricultural or manufacturing +interest can possibly keep pace.</p> +<p>THAT there is strong reason to suspect the existence of a most extensive +plot, conspiracy, or design, secretly contrived by vast numbers of single +ladies in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, and now extending +its ramifications in every quarter of the land; the object and intent +of which plainly appears to be the holding and solemnising of an enormous +and unprecedented number of marriages, on the day on which the nuptials +of Her said Most Gracious Majesty are performed.</p> +<p>THAT such plot, conspiracy, or design, strongly savours of Popery, +as tending to the discomfiture of the Clergy of the Established Church, +by entailing upon them great mental and physical exhaustion; and that +such Popish plots are fomented and encouraged by Her Majesty’s +Ministers, which clearly appears—not only from Her Majesty’s +principal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs traitorously getting +married while holding office under the Crown; but from Mr. O’Connell +having been heard to declare and avow that, if he had a daughter to +marry, she should be married on the same day as Her said Most Gracious +Majesty.</p> +<p>THAT such arch plots, conspiracies, and designs, besides being fraught +with danger to the Established Church, and (consequently) to the State, +cannot fail to bring ruin and bankruptcy upon a large class of Her Majesty’s +subjects; as a great and sudden increase in the number of married men +occasioning the comparative desertion (for a time) of Taverns, Hotels, +Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, will deprive the Proprietors of their +accustomed profits and returns. And in further proof of the depth +and baseness of such designs, it may be here observed, that all proprietors +of Taverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, are (especially +the last) solemnly devoted to the Protestant religion.</p> +<p>FOR all these reasons, and many others of no less gravity and import, +an urgent appeal is made to the gentlemen of England (being bachelors +or widowers) to take immediate steps for convening a Public meeting; +To consider of the best and surest means of averting the dangers with +which they are threatened by the recurrence of Bissextile, or Leap Year, +and the additional sensation created among single ladies by the terms +of Her Majesty’s Most Gracious Declaration; To take measures, +without delay, for resisting the said single Ladies, and counteracting +their evil designs; And to pray Her Majesty to dismiss her present Ministers, +and to summon to her Councils those distinguished Gentlemen in various +Honourable Professions who, by insulting on all occasions the only Lady +in England who can be insulted with safety, have given a sufficient +guarantee to Her Majesty’s Loving Subjects that they, at least, +are qualified to make war with women, and are already expert in the +use of those weapons which are common to the lowest and most abandoned +of the sex.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE YOUNG COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>There is to be a wedding this morning at the corner house in the +terrace. The pastry-cook’s people have been there half-a-dozen +times already; all day yesterday there was a great stir and bustle, +and they were up this morning as soon as it was light. Miss Emma +Fielding is going to be married to young Mr. Harvey.</p> +<p>Heaven alone can tell in what bright colours this marriage is painted +upon the mind of the little housemaid at number six, who has hardly +slept a wink all night with thinking of it, and now stands on the unswept +door-steps leaning upon her broom, and looking wistfully towards the +enchanted house. Nothing short of omniscience can divine what +visions of the baker, or the green-grocer, or the smart and most insinuating +butterman, are flitting across her mind—what thoughts of how she +would dress on such an occasion, if she were a lady—of how she +would dress, if she were only a bride—of how cook would dress, +being bridesmaid, conjointly with her sister ‘in place’ +at Fulham, and how the clergyman, deeming them so many ladies, would +be quite humbled and respectful. What day-dreams of hope and happiness—of +life being one perpetual holiday, with no master and no mistress to +grant or withhold it—of every Sunday being a Sunday out—of +pure freedom as to curls and ringlets, and no obligation to hide fine +heads of hair in caps—what pictures of happiness, vast and immense +to her, but utterly ridiculous to us, bewilder the brain of the little +housemaid at number six, all called into existence by the wedding at +the corner!</p> +<p>We smile at such things, and so we should, though perhaps for a better +reason than commonly presents itself. It should be pleasant to +us to know that there are notions of happiness so moderate and limited, +since upon those who entertain them, happiness and lightness of heart +are very easily bestowed.</p> +<p>But the little housemaid is awakened from her reverie, for forth +from the door of the magical corner house there runs towards her, all +fluttering in smart new dress and streaming ribands, her friend Jane +Adams, who comes all out of breath to redeem a solemn promise of taking +her in, under cover of the confusion, to see the breakfast table spread +forth in state, and—sight of sights!—her young mistress +ready dressed for church.</p> +<p>And there, in good truth, when they have stolen up-stairs on tip-toe +and edged themselves in at the chamber-door—there is Miss Emma +‘looking like the sweetest picter,’ in a white chip bonnet +and orange flowers, and all other elegancies becoming a bride, (with +the make, shape, and quality of every article of which the girl is perfectly +familiar in one moment, and never forgets to her dying day)—and +there is Miss Emma’s mamma in tears, and Miss Emma’s papa +comforting her, and saying how that of course she has been long looking +forward to this, and how happy she ought to be—and there too is +Miss Emma’s sister with her arms round her neck, and the other +bridesmaid all smiles and tears, quieting the children, who would cry +more but that they are so finely dressed, and yet sob for fear sister +Emma should be taken away—and it is all so affecting, that the +two servant-girls cry more than anybody; and Jane Adams, sitting down +upon the stairs, when they have crept away, declares that her legs tremble +so that she don’t know what to do, and that she will say for Miss +Emma, that she never had a hasty word from her, and that she does hope +and pray she may be happy.</p> +<p>But Jane soon comes round again, and then surely there never was +anything like the breakfast table, glittering with plate and china, +and set out with flowers and sweets, and long-necked bottles, in the +most sumptuous and dazzling manner. In the centre, too, is the +mighty charm, the cake, glistening with frosted sugar, and garnished +beautifully. They agree that there ought to be a little Cupid +under one of the barley-sugar temples, or at least two hearts and an +arrow; but, with this exception, there is nothing to wish for, and a +table could not be handsomer. As they arrive at this conclusion, +who should come in but Mr. John! to whom Jane says that its only Anne +from number six; and John says <i>he</i> knows, for he’s often +winked his eye down the area, which causes Anne to blush and look confused. +She is going away, indeed; when Mr. John will have it that she must +drink a glass of wine, and he says never mind it’s being early +in the morning, it won’t hurt her: so they shut the door and pour +out the wine; and Anne drinking lane’s health, and adding, ‘and +here’s wishing you yours, Mr. John,’ drinks it in a great +many sips,—Mr. John all the time making jokes appropriate to the +occasion. At last Mr. John, who has waxed bolder by degrees, pleads +the usage at weddings, and claims the privilege of a kiss, which he +obtains after a great scuffle; and footsteps being now heard on the +stairs, they disperse suddenly.</p> +<p>By this time a carriage has driven up to convey the bride to church, +and Anne of number six prolonging the process of ‘cleaning her +door,’ has the satisfaction of beholding the bride and bridesmaids, +and the papa and mamma, hurry into the same and drive rapidly off. +Nor is this all, for soon other carriages begin to arrive with a posse +of company all beautifully dressed, at whom she could stand and gaze +for ever; but having something else to do, is compelled to take one +last long look and shut the street-door.</p> +<p>And now the company have gone down to breakfast, and tears have given +place to smiles, for all the corks are out of the long-necked bottles, +and their contents are disappearing rapidly. Miss Emma’s +papa is at the top of the table; Miss Emma’s mamma at the bottom; +and beside the latter are Miss Emma herself and her husband,—admitted +on all hands to be the handsomest and most interesting young couple +ever known. All down both sides of the table, too, are various +young ladies, beautiful to see, and various young gentlemen who seem +to think so; and there, in a post of honour, is an unmarried aunt of +Miss Emma’s, reported to possess unheard-of riches, and to have +expressed vast testamentary intentions respecting her favourite niece +and new nephew. This lady has been very liberal and generous already, +as the jewels worn by the bride abundantly testify, but that is nothing +to what she means to do, or even to what she has done, for she put herself +in close communication with the dressmaker three months ago, and prepared +a wardrobe (with some articles worked by her own hands) fit for a Princess. +People may call her an old maid, and so she may be, but she is neither +cross nor ugly for all that; on the contrary, she is very cheerful and +pleasant-looking, and very kind and tender-hearted: which is no matter +of surprise except to those who yield to popular prejudices without +thinking why, and will never grow wiser and never know better.</p> +<p>Of all the company though, none are more pleasant to behold or better +pleased with themselves than two young children, who, in honour of the +day, have seats among the guests. Of these, one is a little fellow +of six or eight years old, brother to the bride,—and the other +a girl of the same age, or something younger, whom he calls ‘his +wife.’ The real bride and bridegroom are not more devoted +than they: he all love and attention, and she all blushes and fondness, +toying with a little bouquet which he gave her this morning, and placing +the scattered rose-leaves in her bosom with nature’s own coquettishness. +They have dreamt of each other in their quiet dreams, these children, +and their little hearts have been nearly broken when the absent one +has been dispraised in jest. When will there come in after-life +a passion so earnest, generous, and true as theirs; what, even in its +gentlest realities, can have the grace and charm that hover round such +fairy lovers!</p> +<p>By this time the merriment and happiness of the feast have gained +their height; certain ominous looks begin to be exchanged between the +bridesmaids, and somehow it gets whispered about that the carriage which +is to take the young couple into the country has arrived. Such +members of the party as are most disposed to prolong its enjoyments, +affect to consider this a false alarm, but it turns out too true, being +speedily confirmed, first by the retirement of the bride and a select +file of intimates who are to prepare her for the journey, and secondly +by the withdrawal of the ladies generally. To this there ensues +a particularly awkward pause, in which everybody essays to be facetious, +and nobody succeeds; at length the bridegroom makes a mysterious disappearance +in obedience to some equally mysterious signal; and the table is deserted.</p> +<p>Now, for at least six weeks last past it has been solemnly devised +and settled that the young couple should go away in secret; but they +no sooner appear without the door than the drawing-room windows are +blocked up with ladies waving their handkerchiefs and kissing their +hands, and the dining-room panes with gentlemen’s faces beaming +farewell in every queer variety of its expression. The hall and +steps are crowded with servants in white favours, mixed up with particular +friends and relations who have darted out to say good-bye; and foremost +in the group are the tiny lovers arm in arm, thinking, with fluttering +hearts, what happiness it would be to dash away together in that gallant +coach, and never part again.</p> +<p>The bride has barely time for one hurried glance at her old home, +when the steps rattle, the door slams, the horses clatter on the pavement, +and they have left it far away.</p> +<p>A knot of women servants still remain clustered in the hall, whispering +among themselves, and there of course is Anne from number six, who has +made another escape on some plea or other, and been an admiring witness +of the departure. There are two points on which Anne expatiates +over and over again, without the smallest appearance of fatigue or intending +to leave off; one is, that she ‘never see in all her life such +a—oh such a angel of a gentleman as Mr. Harvey’—and +the other, that she ‘can’t tell how it is, but it don’t +seem a bit like a work-a-day, or a Sunday neither—it’s all +so unsettled and unregular.’</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE FORMAL COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>The formal couple are the most prim, cold, immovable, and unsatisfactory +people on the face of the earth. Their faces, voices, dress, house, +furniture, walk, and manner, are all the essence of formality, unrelieved +by one redeeming touch of frankness, heartiness, or nature.</p> +<p>Everything with the formal couple resolves itself into a matter of +form. They don’t call upon you on your account, but their +own; not to see how you are, but to show how they are: it is not a ceremony +to do honour to you, but to themselves,—not due to your position, +but to theirs. If one of a friend’s children die, the formal +couple are as sure and punctual in sending to the house as the undertaker; +if a friend’s family be increased, the monthly nurse is not more +attentive than they. The formal couple, in fact, joyfully seize +all occasions of testifying their good-breeding and precise observance +of the little usages of society; and for you, who are the means to this +end, they care as much as a man does for the tailor who has enabled +him to cut a figure, or a woman for the milliner who has assisted her +to a conquest.</p> +<p>Having an extensive connexion among that kind of people who make +acquaintances and eschew friends, the formal gentleman attends from +time to time a great many funerals, to which he is formally invited, +and to which he formally goes, as returning a call for the last time. +Here his deportment is of the most faultless description; he knows the +exact pitch of voice it is proper to assume, the sombre look he ought +to wear, the melancholy tread which should be his gait for the day. +He is perfectly acquainted with all the dreary courtesies to be observed +in a mourning-coach; knows when to sigh, and when to hide his nose in +the white handkerchief; and looks into the grave and shakes his head +when the ceremony is concluded, with the sad formality of a mute.</p> +<p>‘What kind of funeral was it?’ says the formal lady, +when he returns home. ‘Oh!’ replies the formal gentleman, +‘there never was such a gross and disgusting impropriety; there +were no feathers.’ ‘No feathers!’ cries the +lady, as if on wings of black feathers dead people fly to Heaven, and, +lacking them, they must of necessity go elsewhere. Her husband +shakes his head; and further adds, that they had seed-cake instead of +plum-cake, and that it was all white wine. ‘All white wine!’ +exclaims his wife. ‘Nothing but sherry and madeira,’ +says the husband. ‘What! no port?’ ‘Not +a drop.’ No port, no plums, and no feathers! ‘You +will recollect, my dear,’ says the formal lady, in a voice of +stately reproof, ‘that when we first met this poor man who is +now dead and gone, and he took that very strange course of addressing +me at dinner without being previously introduced, I ventured to express +my opinion that the family were quite ignorant of etiquette, and very +imperfectly acquainted with the decencies of life. You have now +had a good opportunity of judging for yourself, and all I have to say +is, that I trust you will never go to a funeral <i>there</i> again.’ +‘My dear,’ replies the formal gentleman, ‘I never +will.’ So the informal deceased is cut in his grave; and +the formal couple, when they tell the story of the funeral, shake their +heads, and wonder what some people’s feelings <i>are</i> made +of, and what their notions of propriety <i>can</i> be!</p> +<p>If the formal couple have a family (which they sometimes have), they +are not children, but little, pale, sour, sharp-nosed men and women; +and so exquisitely brought up, that they might be very old dwarfs for +anything that appeareth to the contrary. Indeed, they are so acquainted +with forms and conventionalities, and conduct themselves with such strict +decorum, that to see the little girl break a looking-glass in some wild +outbreak, or the little boy kick his parents, would be to any visitor +an unspeakable relief and consolation.</p> +<p>The formal couple are always sticklers for what is rigidly proper, +and have a great readiness in detecting hidden impropriety of speech +or thought, which by less scrupulous people would be wholly unsuspected. +Thus, if they pay a visit to the theatre, they sit all night in a perfect +agony lest anything improper or immoral should proceed from the stage; +and if anything should happen to be said which admits of a double construction, +they never fail to take it up directly, and to express by their looks +the great outrage which their feelings have sustained. Perhaps +this is their chief reason for absenting themselves almost entirely +from places of public amusement. They go sometimes to the Exhibition +of the Royal Academy;—but that is often more shocking than the +stage itself, and the formal lady thinks that it really is high time +Mr. Etty was prosecuted and made a public example of.</p> +<p>We made one at a christening party not long since, where there were +amongst the guests a formal couple, who suffered the acutest torture +from certain jokes, incidental to such an occasion, cut—and very +likely dried also—by one of the godfathers; a red-faced elderly +gentleman, who, being highly popular with the rest of the company, had +it all his own way, and was in great spirits. It was at supper-time +that this gentleman came out in full force. We—being of +a grave and quiet demeanour—had been chosen to escort the formal +lady down-stairs, and, sitting beside her, had a favourable opportunity +of observing her emotions.</p> +<p>We have a shrewd suspicion that, in the very beginning, and in the +first blush—literally the first blush—of the matter, the +formal lady had not felt quite certain whether the being present at +such a ceremony, and encouraging, as it were, the public exhibition +of a baby, was not an act involving some degree of indelicacy and impropriety; +but certain we are that when that baby’s health was drunk, and +allusions were made, by a grey-headed gentleman proposing it, to the +time when he had dandled in his arms the young Christian’s mother,—certain +we are that then the formal lady took the alarm, and recoiled from the +old gentleman as from a hoary profligate. Still she bore it; she +fanned herself with an indignant air, but still she bore it. A +comic song was sung, involving a confession from some imaginary gentleman +that he had kissed a female, and yet the formal lady bore it. +But when at last, the health of the godfather before-mentioned being +drunk, the godfather rose to return thanks, and in the course of his +observations darkly hinted at babies yet unborn, and even contemplated +the possibility of the subject of that festival having brothers and +sisters, the formal lady could endure no more, but, bowing slightly +round, and sweeping haughtily past the offender, left the room in tears, +under the protection of the formal gentleman.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE LOVING COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>There cannot be a better practical illustration of the wise saw and +ancient instance, that there may be too much of a good thing, than is +presented by a loving couple. Undoubtedly it is meet and proper +that two persons joined together in holy matrimony should be loving, +and unquestionably it is pleasant to know and see that they are so; +but there is a time for all things, and the couple who happen to be +always in a loving state before company, are well-nigh intolerable.</p> +<p>And in taking up this position we would have it distinctly understood +that we do not seek alone the sympathy of bachelors, in whose objection +to loving couples we recognise interested motives and personal considerations. +We grant that to that unfortunate class of society there may be something +very irritating, tantalising, and provoking, in being compelled to witness +those gentle endearments and chaste interchanges which to loving couples +are quite the ordinary business of life. But while we recognise +the natural character of the prejudice to which these unhappy men are +subject, we can neither receive their biassed evidence, nor address +ourself to their inflamed and angered minds. Dispassionate experience +is our only guide; and in these moral essays we seek no less to reform +hymeneal offenders than to hold out a timely warning to all rising couples, +and even to those who have not yet set forth upon their pilgrimage towards +the matrimonial market.</p> +<p>Let all couples, present or to come, therefore profit by the example +of Mr. and Mrs. Leaver, themselves a loving couple in the first degree.</p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Leaver are pronounced by Mrs. Starling, a widow lady +who lost her husband when she was young, and lost herself about the +same-time—for by her own count she has never since grown five +years older—to be a perfect model of wedded felicity. ‘You +would suppose,’ says the romantic lady, ‘that they were +lovers only just now engaged. Never was such happiness! +They are so tender, so affectionate, so attached to each other, so enamoured, +that positively nothing can be more charming!’</p> +<p>‘Augusta, my soul,’ says Mr. Leaver. ‘Augustus, +my life,’ replies Mrs. Leaver. ‘Sing some little ballad, +darling,’ quoth Mr. Leaver. ‘I couldn’t, indeed, +dearest,’ returns Mrs. Leaver. ‘Do, my dove,’ +says Mr. Leaver. ‘I couldn’t possibly, my love,’ +replies Mrs. Leaver; ‘and it’s very naughty of you to ask +me.’ ‘Naughty, darling!’ cries Mr. Leaver. +‘Yes, very naughty, and very cruel,’ returns Mrs. Leaver, +‘for you know I have a sore throat, and that to sing would give +me great pain. You’re a monster, and I hate you. Go +away!’ Mrs. Leaver has said ‘go away,’ because +Mr. Leaver has tapped her under the chin: Mr. Leaver not doing as he +is bid, but on the contrary, sitting down beside her, Mrs. Leaver slaps +Mr. Leaver; and Mr. Leaver in return slaps Mrs. Leaver, and it being +now time for all persons present to look the other way, they look the +other way, and hear a still small sound as of kissing, at which Mrs. +Starling is thoroughly enraptured, and whispers her neighbour that if +all married couples were like that, what a heaven this earth would be!</p> +<p>The loving couple are at home when this occurs, and maybe only three +or four friends are present, but, unaccustomed to reserve upon this +interesting point, they are pretty much the same abroad. Indeed +upon some occasions, such as a pic-nic or a water-party, their lovingness +is even more developed, as we had an opportunity last summer of observing +in person.</p> +<p>There was a great water-party made up to go to Twickenham and dine, +and afterwards dance in an empty villa by the river-side, hired expressly +for the purpose. Mr. and Mrs. Leaver were of the company; and +it was our fortune to have a seat in the same boat, which was an eight-oared +galley, manned by amateurs, with a blue striped awning of the same pattern +as their Guernsey shirts, and a dingy red flag of the same shade as +the whiskers of the stroke oar. A coxswain being appointed, and +all other matters adjusted, the eight gentlemen threw themselves into +strong paroxysms, and pulled up with the tide, stimulated by the compassionate +remarks of the ladies, who one and all exclaimed, that it seemed an +immense exertion—as indeed it did. At first we raced the +other boat, which came alongside in gallant style; but this being found +an unpleasant amusement, as giving rise to a great quantity of splashing, +and rendering the cold pies and other viands very moist, it was unanimously +voted down, and we were suffered to shoot a-head, while the second boat +followed ingloriously in our wake.</p> +<p>It was at this time that we first recognised Mr. Leaver. There +were two firemen-watermen in the boat, lying by until somebody was exhausted; +and one of them, who had taken upon himself the direction of affairs, +was heard to cry in a gruff voice, ‘Pull away, number two—give +it her, number two—take a longer reach, number two—now, +number two, sir, think you’re winning a boat.’ The +greater part of the company had no doubt begun to wonder which of the +striped Guernseys it might be that stood in need of such encouragement, +when a stifled shriek from Mrs. Leaver confirmed the doubtful and informed +the ignorant; and Mr. Leaver, still further disguised in a straw hat +and no neckcloth, was observed to be in a fearful perspiration, and +failing visibly. Nor was the general consternation diminished +at this instant by the same gentleman (in the performance of an accidental +aquatic feat, termed ‘catching a crab’) plunging suddenly +backward, and displaying nothing of himself to the company, but two +violently struggling legs. Mrs. Leaver shrieked again several +times, and cried piteously—‘Is he dead? Tell me the +worst. Is he dead?’</p> +<p>Now, a moment’s reflection might have convinced the loving +wife, that unless her husband were endowed with some most surprising +powers of muscular action, he never could be dead while he kicked so +hard; but still Mrs. Leaver cried, ‘Is he dead? is he dead?’ +and still everybody else cried—‘No, no, no,’ until +such time as Mr. Leaver was replaced in a sitting posture, and his oar +(which had been going through all kinds of wrong-headed performances +on its own account) was once more put in his hand, by the exertions +of the two firemen-watermen. Mr. Leaver then exclaimed, ‘Augustus, +my child, come to me;’ and Mr. Leaver said, ‘Augusta, my +love, compose yourself, I am not injured.’ But Mrs. Leaver +cried again more piteously than before, ‘Augustus, my child, come +to me;’ and now the company generally, who seemed to be apprehensive +that if Mr. Leaver remained where he was, he might contribute more than +his proper share towards the drowning of the party, disinterestedly +took part with Mrs. Leaver, and said he really ought to go, and that +he was not strong enough for such violent exercise, and ought never +to have undertaken it. Reluctantly, Mr. Leaver went, and laid +himself down at Mrs. Leaver’s feet, and Mrs. Leaver stooping over +him, said, ‘Oh Augustus, how could you terrify me so?’ and +Mr. Leaver said, ‘Augusta, my sweet, I never meant to terrify +you;’ and Mrs. Leaver said, ‘You are faint, my dear;’ +and Mr. Leaver said, ‘I am rather so, my love;’ and they +were very loving indeed under Mrs. Leaver’s veil, until at length +Mr. Leaver came forth again, and pleasantly asked if he had not heard +something said about bottled stout and sandwiches.</p> +<p>Mrs. Starling, who was one of the party, was perfectly delighted +with this scene, and frequently murmured half-aside, ‘What a loving +couple you are!’ or ‘How delightful it is to see man and +wife so happy together!’ To us she was quite poetical, (for +we are a kind of cousins,) observing that hearts beating in unison like +that made life a paradise of sweets; and that when kindred creatures +were drawn together by sympathies so fine and delicate, what more than +mortal happiness did not our souls partake! To all this we answered +‘Certainly,’ or ‘Very true,’ or merely sighed, +as the case might be. At every new act of the loving couple, the +widow’s admiration broke out afresh; and when Mrs. Leaver would +not permit Mr. Leaver to keep his hat off, lest the sun should strike +to his head, and give him a brain fever, Mrs. Starling actually shed +tears, and said it reminded her of Adam and Eve.</p> +<p>The loving couple were thus loving all the way to Twickenham, but +when we arrived there (by which time the amateur crew looked very thirsty +and vicious) they were more playful than ever, for Mrs. Leaver threw +stones at Mr. Leaver, and Mr. Leaver ran after Mrs. Leaver on the grass, +in a most innocent and enchanting manner. At dinner, too, Mr. +Leaver <i>would</i> steal Mrs. Leaver’s tongue, and Mrs. Leaver +<i>would</i> retaliate upon Mr. Leaver’s fowl; and when Mrs. Leaver +was going to take some lobster salad, Mr. Leaver wouldn’t let +her have any, saying that it made her ill, and she was always sorry +for it afterwards, which afforded Mrs. Leaver an opportunity of pretending +to be cross, and showing many other prettinesses. But this was +merely the smiling surface of their loves, not the mighty depths of +the stream, down to which the company, to say the truth, dived rather +unexpectedly, from the following accident. It chanced that Mr. +Leaver took upon himself to propose the bachelors who had first originated +the notion of that entertainment, in doing which, he affected to regret +that he was no longer of their body himself, and pretended grievously +to lament his fallen state. This Mrs. Leaver’s feelings +could not brook, even in jest, and consequently, exclaiming aloud, ‘He +loves me not, he loves me not!’ she fell in a very pitiable state +into the arms of Mrs. Starling, and, directly becoming insensible, was +conveyed by that lady and her husband into another room. Presently +Mr. Leaver came running back to know if there was a medical gentleman +in company, and as there was, (in what company is there not?) both Mr. +Leaver and the medical gentleman hurried away together.</p> +<p>The medical gentleman was the first who returned, and among his intimate +friends he was observed to laugh and wink, and look as unmedical as +might be; but when Mr. Leaver came back he was very solemn, and in answer +to all inquiries, shook his head, and remarked that Augusta was far +too sensitive to be trifled with—an opinion which the widow subsequently +confirmed. Finding that she was in no imminent peril, however, +the rest of the party betook themselves to dancing on the green, and +very merry and happy they were, and a vast quantity of flirtation there +was; the last circumstance being no doubt attributable, partly to the +fineness of the weather, and partly to the locality, which is well known +to be favourable to all harmless recreations.</p> +<p>In the bustle of the scene, Mr. and Mrs. Leaver stole down to the +boat, and disposed themselves under the awning, Mrs. Leaver reclining +her head upon Mr. Leaver’s shoulder, and Mr. Leaver grasping her +hand with great fervour, and looking in her face from time to time with +a melancholy and sympathetic aspect. The widow sat apart, feigning +to be occupied with a book, but stealthily observing them from behind +her fan; and the two firemen-watermen, smoking their pipes on the bank +hard by, nudged each other, and grinned in enjoyment of the joke. +Very few of the party missed the loving couple; and the few who did, +heartily congratulated each other on their disappearance.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE CONTRADICTORY COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>One would suppose that two people who are to pass their whole lives +together, and must necessarily be very often alone with each other, +could find little pleasure in mutual contradiction; and yet what is +more common than a contradictory couple?</p> +<p>The contradictory couple agree in nothing but contradiction. +They return home from Mrs. Bluebottle’s dinner-party, each in +an opposite corner of the coach, and do not exchange a syllable until +they have been seated for at least twenty minutes by the fireside at +home, when the gentleman, raising his eyes from the stove, all at once +breaks silence:</p> +<p>‘What a very extraordinary thing it is,’ says he, ‘that +you <i>will</i> contradict, Charlotte!’ ‘<i>I</i> +contradict!’ cries the lady, ‘but that’s just like +you.’ ‘What’s like me?’ says the gentleman +sharply. ‘Saying that I contradict you,’ replies the +lady. ‘Do you mean to say that you do <i>not</i> contradict +me?’ retorts the gentleman; ‘do you mean to say that you +have not been contradicting me the whole of this day?’ ‘Do +you mean to tell me now, that you have not? I mean to tell you +nothing of the kind,’ replies the lady quietly; ‘when you +are wrong, of course I shall contradict you.’</p> +<p>During this dialogue the gentleman has been taking his brandy-and-water +on one side of the fire, and the lady, with her dressing-case on the +table, has been curling her hair on the other. She now lets down +her back hair, and proceeds to brush it; preserving at the same time +an air of conscious rectitude and suffering virtue, which is intended +to exasperate the gentleman—and does so.</p> +<p>‘I do believe,’ he says, taking the spoon out of his +glass, and tossing it on the table, ‘that of all the obstinate, +positive, wrong-headed creatures that were ever born, you are the most +so, Charlotte.’ ‘Certainly, certainly, have it your +own way, pray. You see how much <i>I</i> contradict you,’ +rejoins the lady. ‘Of course, you didn’t contradict +me at dinner-time—oh no, not you!’ says the gentleman. +‘Yes, I did,’ says the lady. ‘Oh, you did,’ +cries the gentleman ‘you admit that?’ ‘If you +call that contradiction, I do,’ the lady answers; ‘and I +say again, Edward, that when I know you are wrong, I will contradict +you. I am not your slave.’ ‘Not my slave!’ +repeats the gentleman bitterly; ‘and you still mean to say that +in the Blackburns’ new house there are not more than fourteen +doors, including the door of the wine-cellar!’ ‘I +mean to say,’ retorts the lady, beating time with her hair-brush +on the palm of her hand, ‘that in that house there are fourteen +doors and no more.’ ‘Well then—’ cries +the gentleman, rising in despair, and pacing the room with rapid strides. +‘By G-, this is enough to destroy a man’s intellect, and +drive him mad!’</p> +<p>By and by the gentleman comes-to a little, and passing his hand gloomily +across his forehead, reseats himself in his former chair. There +is a long silence, and this time the lady begins. ‘I appealed +to Mr. Jenkins, who sat next to me on the sofa in the drawing-room during +tea—’ ‘Morgan, you mean,’ interrupts the +gentleman. ‘I do not mean anything of the kind,’ answers +the lady. ‘Now, by all that is aggravating and impossible +to bear,’ cries the gentleman, clenching his hands and looking +upwards in agony, ‘she is going to insist upon it that Morgan +is Jenkins!’ ‘Do you take me for a perfect fool?’ +exclaims the lady; ‘do you suppose I don’t know the one +from the other? Do you suppose I don’t know that the man +in the blue coat was Mr. Jenkins?’ ‘Jenkins in a blue +coat!’ cries the gentleman with a groan; ‘Jenkins in a blue +coat! a man who would suffer death rather than wear anything but brown!’ +‘Do you dare to charge me with telling an untruth?’ demands +the lady, bursting into tears. ‘I charge you, ma’am,’ +retorts the gentleman, starting up, ‘with being a monster of contradiction, +a monster of aggravation, a—a—a—Jenkins in a blue +coat!—what have I done that I should be doomed to hear such statements!’</p> +<p>Expressing himself with great scorn and anguish, the gentleman takes +up his candle and stalks off to bed, where feigning to be fast asleep +when the lady comes up-stairs drowned in tears, murmuring lamentations +over her hard fate and indistinct intentions of consulting her brothers, +he undergoes the secret torture of hearing her exclaim between whiles, +‘I know there are only fourteen doors in the house, I know it +was Mr. Jenkins, I know he had a blue coat on, and I would say it as +positively as I do now, if they were the last words I had to speak!’</p> +<p>If the contradictory couple are blessed with children, they are not +the less contradictory on that account. Master James and Miss +Charlotte present themselves after dinner, and being in perfect good +humour, and finding their parents in the same amiable state, augur from +these appearances half a glass of wine a-piece and other extraordinary +indulgences. But unfortunately Master James, growing talkative +upon such prospects, asks his mamma how tall Mrs. Parsons is, and whether +she is not six feet high; to which his mamma replies, ‘Yes, she +should think she was, for Mrs. Parsons is a very tall lady indeed; quite +a giantess.’ ‘For Heaven’s sake, Charlotte,’ +cries her husband, ‘do not tell the child such preposterous nonsense. +Six feet high!’ ‘Well,’ replies the lady, ‘surely +I may be permitted to have an opinion; my opinion is, that she is six +feet high—at least six feet.’ ‘Now you know, +Charlotte,’ retorts the gentleman sternly, ‘that that is +<i>not</i> your opinion—that you have no such idea—and that +you only say this for the sake of contradiction.’ ‘You +are exceedingly polite,’ his wife replies; ‘to be wrong +about such a paltry question as anybody’s height, would be no +great crime; but I say again, that I believe Mrs. Parsons to be six +feet—more than six feet; nay, I believe you know her to be full +six feet, and only say she is not, because I say she is.’ +This taunt disposes the gentleman to become violent, but he cheeks himself, +and is content to mutter, in a haughty tone, ‘Six feet—ha! +ha! Mrs. Parsons six feet!’ and the lady answers, ‘Yes, +six feet. I am sure I am glad you are amused, and I’ll say +it again—six feet.’ Thus the subject gradually drops +off, and the contradiction begins to be forgotten, when Master James, +with some undefined notion of making himself agreeable, and putting +things to rights again, unfortunately asks his mamma what the moon’s +made of; which gives her occasion to say that he had better not ask +her, for she is always wrong and never can be right; that he only exposes +her to contradiction by asking any question of her; and that he had +better ask his papa, who is infallible, and never can be wrong. +Papa, smarting under this attack, gives a terrible pull at the bell, +and says, that if the conversation is to proceed in this way, the children +had better be removed. Removed they are, after a few tears and +many struggles; and Pa having looked at Ma sideways for a minute or +two, with a baleful eye, draws his pocket-handkerchief over his face, +and composes himself for his after-dinner nap.</p> +<p>The friends of the contradictory couple often deplore their frequent +disputes, though they rather make light of them at the same time: observing, +that there is no doubt they are very much attached to each other, and +that they never quarrel except about trifles. But neither the +friends of the contradictory couple, nor the contradictory couple themselves, +reflect, that as the most stupendous objects in nature are but vast +collections of minute particles, so the slightest and least considered +trifles make up the sum of human happiness or misery.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE COUPLE WHO DOTE UPON THEIR CHILDREN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>The couple who dote upon their children have usually a great many +of them: six or eight at least. The children are either the healthiest +in all the world, or the most unfortunate in existence. In either +case, they are equally the theme of their doting parents, and equally +a source of mental anguish and irritation to their doting parents’ +friends.</p> +<p>The couple who dote upon their children recognise no dates but those +connected with their births, accidents, illnesses, or remarkable deeds. +They keep a mental almanack with a vast number of Innocents’-days, +all in red letters. They recollect the last coronation, because +on that day little Tom fell down the kitchen stairs; the anniversary +of the Gunpowder Plot, because it was on the fifth of November that +Ned asked whether wooden legs were made in heaven and cocked hats grew +in gardens. Mrs. Whiffler will never cease to recollect the last +day of the old year as long as she lives, for it was on that day that +the baby had the four red spots on its nose which they took for measles: +nor Christmas-day, for twenty-one days after Christmas-day the twins +were born; nor Good Friday, for it was on a Good Friday that she was +frightened by the donkey-cart when she was in the family way with Georgiana. +The movable feasts have no motion for Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler, but remain +pinned down tight and fast to the shoulders of some small child, from +whom they can never be separated any more. Time was made, according +to their creed, not for slaves but for girls and boys; the restless +sands in his glass are but little children at play.</p> +<p>As we have already intimated, the children of this couple can know +no medium. They are either prodigies of good health or prodigies +of bad health; whatever they are, they must be prodigies. Mr. +Whiffler must have to describe at his office such excruciating agonies +constantly undergone by his eldest boy, as nobody else’s eldest +boy ever underwent; or he must be able to declare that there never was +a child endowed with such amazing health, such an indomitable constitution, +and such a cast-iron frame, as his child. His children must be, +in some respect or other, above and beyond the children of all other +people. To such an extent is this feeling pushed, that we were +once slightly acquainted with a lady and gentleman who carried their +heads so high and became so proud after their youngest child fell out +of a two-pair-of-stairs window without hurting himself much, that the +greater part of their friends were obliged to forego their acquaintance. +But perhaps this may be an extreme case, and one not justly entitled +to be considered as a precedent of general application.</p> +<p>If a friend happen to dine in a friendly way with one of these couples +who dote upon their children, it is nearly impossible for him to divert +the conversation from their favourite topic. Everything reminds +Mr. Whiffler of Ned, or Mrs. Whiffler of Mary Anne, or of the time before +Ned was born, or the time before Mary Anne was thought of. The +slightest remark, however harmless in itself, will awaken slumbering +recollections of the twins. It is impossible to steer clear of +them. They will come uppermost, let the poor man do what he may. +Ned has been known to be lost sight of for half an hour, Dick has been +forgotten, the name of Mary Anne has not been mentioned, but the twins +will out. Nothing can keep down the twins.</p> +<p>‘It’s a very extraordinary thing, Saunders,’ says +Mr. Whiffler to the visitor, ‘but—you have seen our little +babies, the—the—twins?’ The friend’s heart +sinks within him as he answers, ‘Oh, yes—often.’ +‘Your talking of the Pyramids,’ says Mr. Whiffler, quite +as a matter of course, ‘reminds me of the twins. It’s +a very extraordinary thing about those babies—what colour should +you say their eyes were?’ ‘Upon my word,’ the +friend stammers, ‘I hardly know how to answer’—the +fact being, that except as the friend does not remember to have heard +of any departure from the ordinary course of nature in the instance +of these twins, they might have no eyes at all for aught he has observed +to the contrary. ‘You wouldn’t say they were red, +I suppose?’ says Mr. Whiffler. The friend hesitates, and +rather thinks they are; but inferring from the expression of Mr. Whiffler’s +face that red is not the colour, smiles with some confidence, and says, +‘No, no! very different from that.’ ‘What should +you say to blue?’ says Mr. Whiffler. The friend glances +at him, and observing a different expression in his face, ventures to +say, ‘I should say they <i>were</i> blue—a decided blue.’ +‘To be sure!’ cries Mr. Whiffler, triumphantly, ‘I +knew you would! But what should you say if I was to tell you that +the boy’s eyes are blue and the girl’s hazel, eh?’ +‘Impossible!’ exclaims the friend, not at all knowing why +it should be impossible. ‘A fact, notwithstanding,’ +cries Mr. Whiffler; ‘and let me tell you, Saunders, <i>that’s</i> +not a common thing in twins, or a circumstance that’ll happen +every day.’</p> +<p>In this dialogue Mrs. Whiffler, as being deeply responsible for the +twins, their charms and singularities, has taken no share; but she now +relates, in broken English, a witticism of little Dick’s bearing +upon the subject just discussed, which delights Mr. Whiffler beyond +measure, and causes him to declare that he would have sworn that was +Dick’s if he had heard it anywhere. Then he requests that +Mrs. Whiffler will tell Saunders what Tom said about mad bulls; and +Mrs. Whiffler relating the anecdote, a discussion ensues upon the different +character of Tom’s wit and Dick’s wit, from which it appears +that Dick’s humour is of a lively turn, while Tom’s style +is the dry and caustic. This discussion being enlivened by various +illustrations, lasts a long time, and is only stopped by Mrs. Whiffler +instructing the footman to ring the nursery bell, as the children were +promised that they should come down and taste the pudding.</p> +<p>The friend turns pale when this order is given, and paler still when +it is followed up by a great pattering on the staircase, (not unlike +the sound of rain upon a skylight,) a violent bursting open of the dining-room +door, and the tumultuous appearance of six small children, closely succeeded +by a strong nursery-maid with a twin in each arm. As the whole +eight are screaming, shouting, or kicking—some influenced by a +ravenous appetite, some by a horror of the stranger, and some by a conflict +of the two feelings—a pretty long space elapses before all their +heads can be ranged round the table and anything like order restored; +in bringing about which happy state of things both the nurse and footman +are severely scratched. At length Mrs. Whiffler is heard to say, +‘Mr. Saunders, shall I give you some pudding?’ A breathless +silence ensues, and sixteen small eyes are fixed upon the guest in expectation +of his reply. A wild shout of joy proclaims that he has said ‘No, +thank you.’ Spoons are waved in the air, legs appear above +the table-cloth in uncontrollable ecstasy, and eighty short fingers +dabble in damson syrup.</p> +<p>While the pudding is being disposed of, Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler look +on with beaming countenances, and Mr. Whiffler nudging his friend Saunders, +begs him to take notice of Tom’s eyes, or Dick’s chin, or +Ned’s nose, or Mary Anne’s hair, or Emily’s figure, +or little Bob’s calves, or Fanny’s mouth, or Carry’s +head, as the case may be. Whatever the attention of Mr. Saunders +is called to, Mr. Saunders admires of course; though he is rather confused +about the sex of the youngest branches and looks at the wrong children, +turning to a girl when Mr. Whiffler directs his attention to a boy, +and falling into raptures with a boy when he ought to be enchanted with +a girl. Then the dessert comes, and there is a vast deal of scrambling +after fruit, and sudden spirting forth of juice out of tight oranges +into infant eyes, and much screeching and wailing in consequence. +At length it becomes time for Mrs. Whiffler to retire, and all the children +are by force of arms compelled to kiss and love Mr. Saunders before +going up-stairs, except Tom, who, lying on his back in the hall, proclaims +that Mr. Saunders ‘is a naughty beast;’ and Dick, who having +drunk his father’s wine when he was looking another way, is found +to be intoxicated and is carried out, very limp and helpless.</p> +<p>Mr. Whiffler and his friend are left alone together, but Mr. Whiffler’s +thoughts are still with his family, if his family are not with him. +‘Saunders,’ says he, after a short silence, ‘if you +please, we’ll drink Mrs. Whiffler and the children.’ +Mr. Saunders feels this to be a reproach against himself for not proposing +the same sentiment, and drinks it in some confusion. ‘Ah!’ +Mr. Whiffler sighs, ‘these children, Saunders, make one quite +an old man.’ Mr. Saunders thinks that if they were his, +they would make him a very old man; but he says nothing. ‘And +yet,’ pursues Mr. Whiffler, ‘what can equal domestic happiness? +what can equal the engaging ways of children! Saunders, why don’t +you get married?’ Now, this is an embarrassing question, +because Mr. Saunders has been thinking that if he had at any time entertained +matrimonial designs, the revelation of that day would surely have routed +them for ever. ‘I am glad, however,’ says Mr. Whiffler, +‘that you <i>are</i> a bachelor,—glad on one account, Saunders; +a selfish one, I admit. Will you do Mrs. Whiffler and myself a +favour?’ Mr. Saunders is surprised—evidently surprised; +but he replies, ‘with the greatest pleasure.’ ‘Then, +will you, Saunders,’ says Mr. Whiffler, in an impressive manner, +‘will you cement and consolidate our friendship by coming into +the family (so to speak) as a godfather?’ ‘I shall +be proud and delighted,’ replies Mr. Saunders: ‘which of +the children is it? really, I thought they were all christened; or—’ +‘Saunders,’ Mr. Whiffler interposes, ‘they <i>are</i> +all christened; you are right. The fact is, that Mrs. Whiffler +is—in short, we expect another.’ ‘Not a ninth!’ +cries the friend, all aghast at the idea. ‘Yes, Saunders,’ +rejoins Mr. Whiffler, solemnly, ‘a ninth. Did we drink Mrs. +Whiffler’s health? Let us drink it again, Saunders, and +wish her well over it!’</p> +<p>Doctor Johnson used to tell a story of a man who had but one idea, +which was a wrong one. The couple who dote upon their children +are in the same predicament: at home or abroad, at all times, and in +all places, their thoughts are bound up in this one subject, and have +no sphere beyond. They relate the clever things their offspring +say or do, and weary every company with their prolixity and absurdity. +Mr. Whiffler takes a friend by the button at a street corner on a windy +day to tell him a <i>bon mot</i> of his youngest boy’s; and Mrs. +Whiffler, calling to see a sick acquaintance, entertains her with a +cheerful account of all her own past sufferings and present expectations. +In such cases the sins of the fathers indeed descend upon the children; +for people soon come to regard them as predestined little bores. +The couple who dote upon their children cannot be said to be actuated +by a general love for these engaging little people (which would be a +great excuse); for they are apt to underrate and entertain a jealousy +of any children but their own. If they examined their own hearts, +they would, perhaps, find at the bottom of all this, more self-love +and egotism than they think of. Self-love and egotism are bad +qualities, of which the unrestrained exhibition, though it may be sometimes +amusing, never fails to be wearisome and unpleasant. Couples who +dote upon their children, therefore, are best avoided.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE COOL COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>There is an old-fashioned weather-glass representing a house with +two doorways, in one of which is the figure of a gentleman, in the other +the figure of a lady. When the weather is to be fine the lady +comes out and the gentleman goes in; when wet, the gentleman comes out +and the lady goes in. They never seek each other’s society, +are never elevated and depressed by the same cause, and have nothing +in common. They are the model of a cool couple, except that there +is something of politeness and consideration about the behaviour of +the gentleman in the weather-glass, in which, neither of the cool couple +can be said to participate.</p> +<p>The cool couple are seldom alone together, and when they are, nothing +can exceed their apathy and dulness: the gentleman being for the most +part drowsy, and the lady silent. If they enter into conversation, +it is usually of an ironical or recriminatory nature. Thus, when +the gentleman has indulged in a very long yawn and settled himself more +snugly in his easy-chair, the lady will perhaps remark, ‘Well, +I am sure, Charles! I hope you’re comfortable.’ +To which the gentleman replies, ‘Oh yes, he’s quite comfortable +quite.’ ‘There are not many married men, I hope,’ +returns the lady, ‘who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications +as you do.’ ‘Nor many wives who seek comfort in such +selfish gratifications as <i>you</i> do, I hope,’ retorts the +gentleman. ‘Whose fault is that?’ demands the lady. +The gentleman becoming more sleepy, returns no answer. ‘Whose +fault is that?’ the lady repeats. The gentleman still returning +no answer, she goes on to say that she believes there never was in all +this world anybody so attached to her home, so thoroughly domestic, +so unwilling to seek a moment’s gratification or pleasure beyond +her own fireside as she. God knows that before she was married +she never thought or dreamt of such a thing; and she remembers that +her poor papa used to say again and again, almost every day of his life, +‘Oh, my dear Louisa, if you only marry a man who understands you, +and takes the trouble to consider your happiness and accommodate himself +a very little to your disposition, what a treasure he will find in you!’ +She supposes her papa knew what her disposition was—he had known +her long enough—he ought to have been acquainted with it, but +what can she do? If her home is always dull and lonely, and her +husband is always absent and finds no pleasure in her society, she is +naturally sometimes driven (seldom enough, she is sure) to seek a little +recreation elsewhere; she is not expected to pine and mope to death, +she hopes. ‘Then come, Louisa,’ says the gentleman, +waking up as suddenly as he fell asleep, ‘stop at home this evening, +and so will I.’ ‘I should be sorry to suppose, Charles, +that you took a pleasure in aggravating me,’ replies the lady; +‘but you know as well as I do that I am particularly engaged to +Mrs. Mortimer, and that it would be an act of the grossest rudeness +and ill-breeding, after accepting a seat in her box and preventing her +from inviting anybody else, not to go.’ ‘Ah! there +it is!’ says the gentleman, shrugging his shoulders, ‘I +knew that perfectly well. I knew you couldn’t devote an +evening to your own home. Now all I have to say, Louisa, is this—recollect +that <i>I</i> was quite willing to stay at home, and that it’s +no fault of <i>mine</i> we are not oftener together.’</p> +<p>With that the gentleman goes away to keep an old appointment at his +club, and the lady hurries off to dress for Mrs. Mortimer’s; and +neither thinks of the other until by some odd chance they find themselves +alone again.</p> +<p>But it must not be supposed that the cool couple are habitually a +quarrelsome one. Quite the contrary. These differences are +only occasions for a little self-excuse,—nothing more. In +general they are as easy and careless, and dispute as seldom, as any +common acquaintances may; for it is neither worth their while to put +each other out of the way, nor to ruffle themselves.</p> +<p>When they meet in society, the cool couple are the best-bred people +in existence. The lady is seated in a corner among a little knot +of lady friends, one of whom exclaims, ‘Why, I vow and declare +there is your husband, my dear!’ ‘Whose?—mine?’ +she says, carelessly. ‘Ay, yours, and coming this way too.’ +‘How very odd!’ says the lady, in a languid tone, ‘I +thought he had been at Dover.’ The gentleman coming up, +and speaking to all the other ladies and nodding slightly to his wife, +it turns out that he has been at Dover, and has just now returned. +‘What a strange creature you are!’ cries his wife; ‘and +what on earth brought you here, I wonder?’ ‘I came +to look after you, <i>of course</i>,’ rejoins her husband. +This is so pleasant a jest that the lady is mightily amused, as are +all the other ladies similarly situated who are within hearing; and +while they are enjoying it to the full, the gentleman nods again, turns +upon his heel, and saunters away.</p> +<p>There are times, however, when his company is not so agreeable, though +equally unexpected; such as when the lady has invited one or two particular +friends to tea and scandal, and he happens to come home in the very +midst of their diversion. It is a hundred chances to one that +he remains in the house half an hour, but the lady is rather disturbed +by the intrusion, notwithstanding, and reasons within herself,—‘I +am sure I never interfere with him, and why should he interfere with +me? It can scarcely be accidental; it never happens that I have +a particular reason for not wishing him to come home, but he always +comes. It’s very provoking and tiresome; and I am sure when +he leaves me so much alone for his own pleasure, the least he could +do would be to do as much for mine.’ Observing what passes +in her mind, the gentleman, who has come home for his own accommodation, +makes a merit of it with himself; arrives at the conclusion that it +is the very last place in which he can hope to be comfortable; and determines, +as he takes up his hat and cane, never to be so virtuous again.</p> +<p>Thus a great many cool couples go on until they are cold couples, +and the grave has closed over their folly and indifference. Loss +of name, station, character, life itself, has ensued from causes as +slight as these, before now; and when gossips tell such tales, and aggravate +their deformities, they elevate their hands and eyebrows, and call each +other to witness what a cool couple Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so always were, +even in the best of times.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE PLAUSIBLE COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>The plausible couple have many titles. They are ‘a delightful +couple,’ an ‘affectionate couple,’ ‘a most agreeable +couple, ‘a good-hearted couple,’ and ‘the best-natured +couple in existence.’ The truth is, that the plausible couple +are people of the world; and either the way of pleasing the world has +grown much easier than it was in the days of the old man and his ass, +or the old man was but a bad hand at it, and knew very little of the +trade.</p> +<p>‘But is it really possible to please the world!’ says +some doubting reader. It is indeed. Nay, it is not only +very possible, but very easy. The ways are crooked, and sometimes +foul and low. What then? A man need but crawl upon his hands +and knees, know when to close his eyes and when his ears, when to stoop +and when to stand upright; and if by the world is meant that atom of +it in which he moves himself, he shall please it, never fear.</p> +<p>Now, it will be readily seen, that if a plausible man or woman have +an easy means of pleasing the world by an adaptation of self to all +its twistings and twinings, a plausible man <i>and</i> woman, or, in +other words, a plausible couple, playing into each other’s hands, +and acting in concert, have a manifest advantage. Hence it is +that plausible couples scarcely ever fail of success on a pretty large +scale; and hence it is that if the reader, laying down this unwieldy +volume at the next full stop, will have the goodness to review his or +her circle of acquaintance, and to search particularly for some man +and wife with a large connexion and a good name, not easily referable +to their abilities or their wealth, he or she (that is, the male or +female reader) will certainly find that gentleman or lady, on a very +short reflection, to be a plausible couple.</p> +<p>The plausible couple are the most ecstatic people living: the most +sensitive people—to merit—on the face of the earth. +Nothing clever or virtuous escapes them. They have microscopic +eyes for such endowments, and can find them anywhere. The plausible +couple never fawn—oh no! They don’t even scruple to +tell their friends of their faults. One is too generous, another +too candid; a third has a tendency to think all people like himself, +and to regard mankind as a company of angels; a fourth is kind-hearted +to a fault. ‘We never flatter, my dear Mrs. Jackson,’ +say the plausible couple; ‘we speak our minds. Neither you +nor Mr. Jackson have faults enough. It may sound strangely, but +it is true. You have not faults enough. You know our way,—we +must speak out, and always do. Quarrel with us for saying so, +if you will; but we repeat it,—you have not faults enough!’</p> +<p>The plausible couple are no less plausible to each other than to +third parties. They are always loving and harmonious. The +plausible gentleman calls his wife ‘darling,’ and the plausible +lady addresses him as ‘dearest.’ If it be Mr. and +Mrs. Bobtail Widger, Mrs. Widger is ‘Lavinia, darling,’ +and Mr. Widger is ‘Bobtail, dearest.’ Speaking of +each other, they observe the same tender form. Mrs. Widger relates +what ‘Bobtail’ said, and Mr. Widger recounts what ‘darling’ +thought and did.</p> +<p>If you sit next to the plausible lady at a dinner-table, she takes +the earliest opportunity of expressing her belief that you are acquainted +with the Clickits; she is sure she has heard the Clickits speak of you—she +must not tell you in what terms, or you will take her for a flatterer. +You admit a knowledge of the Clickits; the plausible lady immediately +launches out in their praise. She quite loves the Clickits. +Were there ever such true-hearted, hospitable, excellent people—such +a gentle, interesting little woman as Mrs. Clickit, or such a frank, +unaffected creature as Mr. Clickit? were there ever two people, in short, +so little spoiled by the world as they are? ‘As who, darling?’ +cries Mr. Widger, from the opposite side of the table. ‘The +Clickits, dearest,’ replies Mrs. Widger. ‘Indeed you +are right, darling,’ Mr. Widger rejoins; ‘the Clickits are +a very high-minded, worthy, estimable couple.’ Mrs. Widger +remarking that Bobtail always grows quite eloquent upon this subject, +Mr. Widger admits that he feels very strongly whenever such people as +the Clickits and some other friends of his (here he glances at the host +and hostess) are mentioned; for they are an honour to human nature, +and do one good to think of. ‘<i>You</i> know the Clickits, +Mrs. Jackson?’ he says, addressing the lady of the house. +‘No, indeed; we have not that pleasure,’ she replies. +‘You astonish me!’ exclaims Mr. Widger: ‘not know +the Clickits! why, you are the very people of all others who ought to +be their bosom friends. You are kindred beings; you are one and +the same thing:- not know the Clickits! Now <i>will</i> you know +the Clickits? Will you make a point of knowing them? Will +you meet them in a friendly way at our house one evening, and be acquainted +with them?’ Mrs. Jackson will be quite delighted; nothing +would give her more pleasure. ‘Then, Lavinia, my darling,’ +says Mr. Widger, ‘mind you don’t lose sight of that; now, +pray take care that Mr. and Mrs. Jackson know the Clickits without loss +of time. Such people ought not to be strangers to each other.’ +Mrs. Widger books both families as the centre of attraction for her +next party; and Mr. Widger, going on to expatiate upon the virtues of +the Clickits, adds to their other moral qualities, that they keep one +of the neatest phaetons in town, and have two thousand a year.</p> +<p>As the plausible couple never laud the merits of any absent person, +without dexterously contriving that their praises shall reflect upon +somebody who is present, so they never depreciate anything or anybody, +without turning their depreciation to the same account. Their +friend, Mr. Slummery, say they, is unquestionably a clever painter, +and would no doubt be very popular, and sell his pictures at a very +high price, if that cruel Mr. Fithers had not forestalled him in his +department of art, and made it thoroughly and completely his own;—Fithers, +it is to be observed, being present and within hearing, and Slummery +elsewhere. Is Mrs. Tabblewick really as beautiful as people say? +Why, there indeed you ask them a very puzzling question, because there +is no doubt that she is a very charming woman, and they have long known +her intimately. She is no doubt beautiful, very beautiful; they +once thought her the most beautiful woman ever seen; still if you press +them for an honest answer, they are bound to say that this was before +they had ever seen our lovely friend on the sofa, (the sofa is hard +by, and our lovely friend can’t help hearing the whispers in which +this is said;) since that time, perhaps, they have been hardly fair +judges; Mrs. Tabblewick is no doubt extremely handsome,—very like +our friend, in fact, in the form of the features,—but in point +of expression, and soul, and figure, and air altogether—oh dear!</p> +<p>But while the plausible couple depreciate, they are still careful +to preserve their character for amiability and kind feeling; indeed +the depreciation itself is often made to grow out of their excessive +sympathy and good will. The plausible lady calls on a lady who +dotes upon her children, and is sitting with a little girl upon her +knee, enraptured by her artless replies, and protesting that there is +nothing she delights in so much as conversing with these fairies; when +the other lady inquires if she has seen young Mrs. Finching lately, +and whether the baby has turned out a finer one than it promised to +be. ‘Oh dear!’ cries the plausible lady, ‘you +cannot think how often Bobtail and I have talked about poor Mrs. Finching—she +is such a dear soul, and was so anxious that the baby should be a fine +child—and very naturally, because she was very much here at one +time, and there is, you know, a natural emulation among mothers—that +it is impossible to tell you how much we have felt for her.’ +‘Is it weak or plain, or what?’ inquires the other. +‘Weak or plain, my love,’ returns the plausible lady, ‘it’s +a fright—a perfect little fright; you never saw such a miserable +creature in all your days. Positively you must not let her see +one of these beautiful dears again, or you’ll break her heart, +you will indeed.—Heaven bless this child, see how she is looking +in my face! can you conceive anything prettier than that? If poor +Mrs. Finching could only hope—but that’s impossible—and +the gifts of Providence, you know—What <i>did</i> I do with my +pocket-handkerchief!’</p> +<p>What prompts the mother, who dotes upon her children, to comment +to her lord that evening on the plausible lady’s engaging qualities +and feeling heart, and what is it that procures Mr. and Mrs. Bobtail +Widger an immediate invitation to dinner?</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE NICE LITTLE COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>A custom once prevailed in old-fashioned circles, that when a lady +or gentleman was unable to sing a song, he or she should enliven the +company with a story. As we find ourself in the predicament of +not being able to describe (to our own satisfaction) nice little couples +in the abstract, we purpose telling in this place a little story about +a nice little couple of our acquaintance.</p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup are the nice little couple in question. +Mr. Chirrup has the smartness, and something of the brisk, quick manner +of a small bird. Mrs. Chirrup is the prettiest of all little women, +and has the prettiest little figure conceivable. She has the neatest +little foot, and the softest little voice, and the pleasantest little +smile, and the tidiest little curls, and the brightest little eyes, +and the quietest little manner, and is, in short, altogether one of +the most engaging of all little women, dead or alive. She is a +condensation of all the domestic virtues,—a pocket edition of +the young man’s best companion,—a little woman at a very +high pressure, with an amazing quantity of goodness and usefulness in +an exceedingly small space. Little as she is, Mrs. Chirrup might +furnish forth matter for the moral equipment of a score of housewives, +six feet high in their stockings—if, in the presence of ladies, +we may be allowed the expression—and of corresponding robustness.</p> +<p>Nobody knows all this better than Mr. Chirrup, though he rather takes +on that he don’t. Accordingly he is very proud of his better-half, +and evidently considers himself, as all other people consider him, rather +fortunate in having her to wife. We say evidently, because Mr. +Chirrup is a warm-hearted little fellow; and if you catch his eye when +he has been slyly glancing at Mrs. Chirrup in company, there is a certain +complacent twinkle in it, accompanied, perhaps, by a half-expressed +toss of the head, which as clearly indicates what has been passing in +his mind as if he had put it into words, and shouted it out through +a speaking-trumpet. Moreover, Mr. Chirrup has a particularly mild +and bird-like manner of calling Mrs. Chirrup ‘my dear;’ +and—for he is of a jocose turn—of cutting little witticisms +upon her, and making her the subject of various harmless pleasantries, +which nobody enjoys more thoroughly than Mrs. Chirrup herself. +Mr. Chirrup, too, now and then affects to deplore his bachelor-days, +and to bemoan (with a marvellously contented and smirking face) the +loss of his freedom, and the sorrow of his heart at having been taken +captive by Mrs. Chirrup—all of which circumstances combine to +show the secret triumph and satisfaction of Mr. Chirrup’s soul.</p> +<p>We have already had occasion to observe that Mrs. Chirrup is an incomparable +housewife. In all the arts of domestic arrangement and management, +in all the mysteries of confectionery-making, pickling, and preserving, +never was such a thorough adept as that nice little body. She +is, besides, a cunning worker in muslin and fine linen, and a special +hand at marketing to the very best advantage. But if there be +one branch of housekeeping in which she excels to an utterly unparalleled +and unprecedented extent, it is in the important one of carving. +A roast goose is universally allowed to be the great stumbling-block +in the way of young aspirants to perfection in this department of science; +many promising carvers, beginning with legs of mutton, and preserving +a good reputation through fillets of veal, sirloins of beef, quarters +of lamb, fowls, and even ducks, have sunk before a roast goose, and +lost caste and character for ever. To Mrs. Chirrup the resolving +a goose into its smallest component parts is a pleasant pastime—a +practical joke—a thing to be done in a minute or so, without the +smallest interruption to the conversation of the time. No handing +the dish over to an unfortunate man upon her right or left, no wild +sharpening of the knife, no hacking and sawing at an unruly joint, no +noise, no splash, no heat, no leaving off in despair; all is confidence +and cheerfulness. The dish is set upon the table, the cover is +removed; for an instant, and only an instant, you observe that Mrs. +Chirrup’s attention is distracted; she smiles, but heareth not. +You proceed with your story; meanwhile the glittering knife is slowly +upraised, both Mrs. Chirrup’s wrists are slightly but not ungracefully +agitated, she compresses her lips for an instant, then breaks into a +smile, and all is over. The legs of the bird slide gently down +into a pool of gravy, the wings seem to melt from the body, the breast +separates into a row of juicy slices, the smaller and more complicated +parts of his anatomy are perfectly developed, a cavern of stuffing is +revealed, and the goose is gone!</p> +<p>To dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup is one of the pleasantest things +in the world. Mr. Chirrup has a bachelor friend, who lived with +him in his own days of single blessedness, and to whom he is mightily +attached. Contrary to the usual custom, this bachelor friend is +no less a friend of Mrs. Chirrup’s, and, consequently, whenever +you dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup, you meet the bachelor friend. +It would put any reasonably-conditioned mortal into good-humour to observe +the entire unanimity which subsists between these three; but there is +a quiet welcome dimpling in Mrs. Chirrup’s face, a bustling hospitality +oozing as it were out of the waistcoat-pockets of Mr. Chirrup, and a +patronising enjoyment of their cordiality and satisfaction on the part +of the bachelor friend, which is quite delightful. On these occasions +Mr. Chirrup usually takes an opportunity of rallying the friend on being +single, and the friend retorts on Mr. Chirrup for being married, at +which moments some single young ladies present are like to die of laughter; +and we have more than once observed them bestow looks upon the friend, +which convinces us that his position is by no means a safe one, as, +indeed, we hold no bachelor’s to be who visits married friends +and cracks jokes on wedlock, for certain it is that such men walk among +traps and nets and pitfalls innumerable, and often find themselves down +upon their knees at the altar rails, taking M. or N. for their wedded +wives, before they know anything about the matter.</p> +<p>However, this is no business of Mr. Chirrup’s, who talks, and +laughs, and drinks his wine, and laughs again, and talks more, until +it is time to repair to the drawing-room, where, coffee served and over, +Mrs. Chirrup prepares for a round game, by sorting the nicest possible +little fish into the nicest possible little pools, and calling Mr. Chirrup +to assist her, which Mr. Chirrup does. As they stand side by side, +you find that Mr. Chirrup is the least possible shadow of a shade taller +than Mrs. Chirrup, and that they are the neatest and best-matched little +couple that can be, which the chances are ten to one against your observing +with such effect at any other time, unless you see them in the street +arm-in-arm, or meet them some rainy day trotting along under a very +small umbrella. The round game (at which Mr. Chirrup is the merriest +of the party) being done and over, in course of time a nice little tray +appears, on which is a nice little supper; and when that is finished +likewise, and you have said ‘Good night,’ you find yourself +repeating a dozen times, as you ride home, that there never was such +a nice little couple as Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup.</p> +<p>Whether it is that pleasant qualities, being packed more closely +in small bodies than in large, come more readily to hand than when they +are diffused over a wider space, and have to be gathered together for +use, we don’t know, but as a general rule,—strengthened +like all other rules by its exceptions,—we hold that little people +are sprightly and good-natured. The more sprightly and good-natured +people we have, the better; therefore, let us wish well to all nice +little couples, and hope that they may increase and multiply.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE EGOTISTICAL COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Egotism in couples is of two kinds.—It is our purpose to show +this by two examples.</p> +<p>The egotistical couple may be young, old, middle-aged, well to do, +or ill to do; they may have a small family, a large family, or no family +at all. There is no outward sign by which an egotistical couple +may be known and avoided. They come upon you unawares; there is +no guarding against them. No man can of himself be forewarned +or forearmed against an egotistical couple.</p> +<p>The egotistical couple have undergone every calamity, and experienced +every pleasurable and painful sensation of which our nature is susceptible. +You cannot by possibility tell the egotistical couple anything they +don’t know, or describe to them anything they have not felt. +They have been everything but dead. Sometimes we are tempted to +wish they had been even that, but only in our uncharitable moments, +which are few and far between.</p> +<p>We happened the other day, in the course of a morning call, to encounter +an egotistical couple, nor were we suffered to remain long in ignorance +of the fact, for our very first inquiry of the lady of the house brought +them into active and vigorous operation. The inquiry was of course +touching the lady’s health, and the answer happened to be, that +she had not been very well. ‘Oh, my dear!’ said the +egotistical lady, ‘don’t talk of not being well. We +have been in <i>such</i> a state since we saw you last!’—The +lady of the house happening to remark that her lord had not been well +either, the egotistical gentleman struck in: ‘Never let Briggs +complain of not being well—never let Briggs complain, my dear +Mrs. Briggs, after what I have undergone within these six weeks. +He doesn’t know what it is to be ill, he hasn’t the least +idea of it; not the faintest conception.’—‘My dear,’ +interposed his wife smiling, ‘you talk as if it were almost a +crime in Mr. Briggs not to have been as ill as we have been, instead +of feeling thankful to Providence that both he and our dear Mrs. Briggs +are in such blissful ignorance of real suffering.’—‘My +love,’ returned the egotistical gentleman, in a low and pious +voice, ‘you mistake me;—I feel grateful—very grateful. +I trust our friends may never purchase their experience as dearly as +we have bought ours; I hope they never may!’</p> +<p>Having put down Mrs. Briggs upon this theme, and settled the question +thus, the egotistical gentleman turned to us, and, after a few preliminary +remarks, all tending towards and leading up to the point he had in his +mind, inquired if we happened to be acquainted with the Dowager Lady +Snorflerer. On our replying in the negative, he presumed we had +often met Lord Slang, or beyond all doubt, that we were on intimate +terms with Sir Chipkins Glogwog. Finding that we were equally +unable to lay claim to either of these distinctions, he expressed great +astonishment, and turning to his wife with a retrospective smile, inquired +who it was that had told that capital story about the mashed potatoes. +‘Who, my dear?’ returned the egotistical lady, ‘why +Sir Chipkins, of course; how can you ask! Don’t you remember +his applying it to our cook, and saying that you and I were so like +the Prince and Princess, that he could almost have sworn we were they?’ +‘To be sure, I remember that,’ said the egotistical gentleman, +‘but are you quite certain that didn’t apply to the other +anecdote about the Emperor of Austria and the pump?’ ‘Upon +my word then, I think it did,’ replied his wife. ‘To +be sure it did,’ said the egotistical gentleman, ‘it was +Slang’s story, I remember now, perfectly.’ However, +it turned out, a few seconds afterwards, that the egotistical gentleman’s +memory was rather treacherous, as he began to have a misgiving that +the story had been told by the Dowager Lady Snorflerer the very last +time they dined there; but there appearing, on further consideration, +strong circumstantial evidence tending to show that this couldn’t +be, inasmuch as the Dowager Lady Snorflerer had been, on the occasion +in question, wholly engrossed by the egotistical lady, the egotistical +gentleman recanted this opinion; and after laying the story at the doors +of a great many great people, happily left it at last with the Duke +of Scuttlewig:- observing that it was not extraordinary he had forgotten +his Grace hitherto, as it often happened that the names of those with +whom we were upon the most familiar footing were the very last to present +themselves to our thoughts.</p> +<p>It not only appeared that the egotistical couple knew everybody, +but that scarcely any event of importance or notoriety had occurred +for many years with which they had not been in some way or other connected. +Thus we learned that when the well-known attempt upon the life of George +the Third was made by Hatfield in Drury Lane theatre, the egotistical +gentleman’s grandfather sat upon his right hand and was the first +man who collared him; and that the egotistical lady’s aunt, sitting +within a few boxes of the royal party, was the only person in the audience +who heard his Majesty exclaim, ‘Charlotte, Charlotte, don’t +be frightened, don’t be frightened; they’re letting off +squibs, they’re letting off squibs.’ When the fire +broke out, which ended in the destruction of the two Houses of Parliament, +the egotistical couple, being at the time at a drawing-room window on +Blackheath, then and there simultaneously exclaimed, to the astonishment +of a whole party—‘It’s the House of Lords!’ +Nor was this a solitary instance of their peculiar discernment, for +chancing to be (as by a comparison of dates and circumstances they afterwards +found) in the same omnibus with Mr. Greenacre, when he carried his victim’s +head about town in a blue bag, they both remarked a singular twitching +in the muscles of his countenance; and walking down Fish Street Hill, +a few weeks since, the egotistical gentleman said to his lady—slightly +casting up his eyes to the top of the Monument—‘There’s +a boy up there, my dear, reading a Bible. It’s very strange. +I don’t like it.—In five seconds afterwards, Sir,’ +says the egotistical gentleman, bringing his hands together with one +violent clap—‘the lad was over!’</p> +<p>Diversifying these topics by the introduction of many others of the +same kind, and entertaining us between whiles with a minute account +of what weather and diet agreed with them, and what weather and diet +disagreed with them, and at what time they usually got up, and at what +time went to bed, with many other particulars of their domestic economy +too numerous to mention; the egotistical couple at length took their +leave, and afforded us an opportunity of doing the same.</p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone are an egotistical couple of another class, +for all the lady’s egotism is about her husband, and all the gentleman’s +about his wife. For example:- Mr. Sliverstone is a clerical gentleman, +and occasionally writes sermons, as clerical gentlemen do. If +you happen to obtain admission at the street-door while he is so engaged, +Mrs. Sliverstone appears on tip-toe, and speaking in a solemn whisper, +as if there were at least three or four particular friends up-stairs, +all upon the point of death, implores you to be very silent, for Mr. +Sliverstone is composing, and she need not say how very important it +is that he should not be disturbed. Unwilling to interrupt anything +so serious, you hasten to withdraw, with many apologies; but this Mrs. +Sliverstone will by no means allow, observing, that she knows you would +like to see him, as it is very natural you should, and that she is determined +to make a trial for you, as you are a great favourite. So you +are led up-stairs—still on tip-toe—to the door of a little +back room, in which, as the lady informs you in a whisper, Mr. Sliverstone +always writes. No answer being returned to a couple of soft taps, +the lady opens the door, and there, sure enough, is Mr. Sliverstone, +with dishevelled hair, powdering away with pen, ink, and paper, at a +rate which, if he has any power of sustaining it, would settle the longest +sermon in no time. At first he is too much absorbed to be roused +by this intrusion; but presently looking up, says faintly, ‘Ah!’ +and pointing to his desk with a weary and languid smile, extends his +hand, and hopes you’ll forgive him. Then Mrs. Sliverstone +sits down beside him, and taking his hand in hers, tells you how that +Mr. Sliverstone has been shut up there ever since nine o’clock +in the morning, (it is by this time twelve at noon,) and how she knows +it cannot be good for his health, and is very uneasy about it. +Unto this Mr. Sliverstone replies firmly, that ‘It must be done;’ +which agonizes Mrs. Sliverstone still more, and she goes on to tell +you that such were Mr. Sliverstone’s labours last week—what +with the buryings, marryings, churchings, christenings, and all together,—that +when he was going up the pulpit stairs on Sunday evening, he was obliged +to hold on by the rails, or he would certainly have fallen over into +his own pew. Mr. Sliverstone, who has been listening and smiling +meekly, says, ‘Not quite so bad as that, not quite so bad!’ +he admits though, on cross-examination, that he <i>was</i> very near +falling upon the verger who was following him up to bolt the door; but +adds, that it was his duty as a Christian to fall upon him, if need +were, and that he, Mr. Sliverstone, and (possibly the verger too) ought +to glory in it.</p> +<p>This sentiment communicates new impulse to Mrs. Sliverstone, who +launches into new praises of Mr. Sliverstone’s worth and excellence, +to which he listens in the same meek silence, save when he puts in a +word of self-denial relative to some question of fact, as—‘Not +seventy-two christenings that week, my dear. Only seventy-one, +only seventy-one.’ At length his lady has quite concluded, +and then he says, Why should he repine, why should he give way, why +should he suffer his heart to sink within him? Is it he alone +who toils and suffers? What has she gone through, he should like +to know? What does she go through every day for him and for society?</p> +<p>With such an exordium Mr. Sliverstone launches out into glowing praises +of the conduct of Mrs. Sliverstone in the production of eight young +children, and the subsequent rearing and fostering of the same; and +thus the husband magnifies the wife, and the wife the husband.</p> +<p>This would be well enough if Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone kept it to +themselves, or even to themselves and a friend or two; but they do not. +The more hearers they have, the more egotistical the couple become, +and the more anxious they are to make believers in their merits. +Perhaps this is the worst kind of egotism. It has not even the +poor excuse of being spontaneous, but is the result of a deliberate +system and malice aforethought. Mere empty-headed conceit excites +our pity, but ostentatious hypocrisy awakens our disgust.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE COUPLE WHO CODDLE THEMSELVES</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Mrs. Merrywinkle’s maiden name was Chopper. She was the +only child of Mr. and Mrs. Chopper. Her father died when she was, +as the play-books express it, ‘yet an infant;’ and so old +Mrs. Chopper, when her daughter married, made the house of her son-in-law +her home from that time henceforth, and set up her staff of rest with +Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle.</p> +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle are a couple who coddle themselves; and +the venerable Mrs. Chopper is an aider and abettor in the same.</p> +<p>Mr. Merrywinkle is a rather lean and long-necked gentleman, middle-aged +and middle-sized, and usually troubled with a cold in the head. +Mrs. Merrywinkle is a delicate-looking lady, with very light hair, and +is exceedingly subject to the same unpleasant disorder. The venerable +Mrs. Chopper—who is strictly entitled to the appellation, her +daughter not being very young, otherwise than by courtesy, at the time +of her marriage, which was some years ago—is a mysterious old +lady who lurks behind a pair of spectacles, and is afflicted with a +chronic disease, respecting which she has taken a vast deal of medical +advice, and referred to a vast number of medical books, without meeting +any definition of symptoms that at all suits her, or enables her to +say, ‘That’s my complaint.’ Indeed, the absence +of authentic information upon the subject of this complaint would seem +to be Mrs. Chopper’s greatest ill, as in all other respects she +is an uncommonly hale and hearty gentlewoman.</p> +<p>Both Mr. and Mrs. Chopper wear an extraordinary quantity of flannel, +and have a habit of putting their feet in hot water to an unnatural +extent. They likewise indulge in chamomile tea and such-like compounds, +and rub themselves on the slightest provocation with camphorated spirits +and other lotions applicable to mumps, sore-throat, rheumatism, or lumbago.</p> +<p>Mr. Merrywinkle’s leaving home to go to business on a damp +or wet morning is a very elaborate affair. He puts on wash-leather +socks over his stockings, and India-rubber shoes above his boots, and +wears under his waistcoat a cuirass of hare-skin. Besides these +precautions, he winds a thick shawl round his throat, and blocks up +his mouth with a large silk handkerchief. Thus accoutred, and +furnished besides with a great-coat and umbrella, he braves the dangers +of the streets; travelling in severe weather at a gentle trot, the better +to preserve the circulation, and bringing his mouth to the surface to +take breath, but very seldom, and with the utmost caution. His +office-door opened, he shoots past his clerk at the same pace, and diving +into his own private room, closes the door, examines the window-fastenings, +and gradually unrobes himself: hanging his pocket-handkerchief on the +fender to air, and determining to write to the newspapers about the +fog, which, he says, ‘has really got to that pitch that it is +quite unbearable.’</p> +<p>In this last opinion Mrs. Merrywinkle and her respected mother fully +concur; for though not present, their thoughts and tongues are occupied +with the same subject, which is their constant theme all day. +If anybody happens to call, Mrs. Merrywinkle opines that they must assuredly +be mad, and her first salutation is, ‘Why, what in the name of +goodness can bring you out in such weather? You know you <i>must</i> +catch your death.’ This assurance is corroborated by Mrs. +Chopper, who adds, in further confirmation, a dismal legend concerning +an individual of her acquaintance who, making a call under precisely +parallel circumstances, and being then in the best health and spirits, +expired in forty-eight hours afterwards, of a complication of inflammatory +disorders. The visitor, rendered not altogether comfortable perhaps +by this and other precedents, inquires very affectionately after Mr. +Merrywinkle, but by so doing brings about no change of the subject; +for Mr. Merrywinkle’s name is inseparably connected with his complaints, +and his complaints are inseparably connected with Mrs. Merrywinkle’s; +and when these are done with, Mrs. Chopper, who has been biding her +time, cuts in with the chronic disorder—a subject upon which the +amiable old lady never leaves off speaking until she is left alone, +and very often not then.</p> +<p>But Mr. Merrywinkle comes home to dinner. He is received by +Mrs. Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper, who, on his remarking that he thinks +his feet are damp, turn pale as ashes and drag him up-stairs, imploring +him to have them rubbed directly with a dry coarse towel. Rubbed +they are, one by Mrs. Merrywinkle and one by Mrs. Chopper, until the +friction causes Mr. Merrywinkle to make horrible faces, and look as +if he had been smelling very powerful onions; when they desist, and +the patient, provided for his better security with thick worsted stockings +and list slippers, is borne down-stairs to dinner. Now, the dinner +is always a good one, the appetites of the diners being delicate, and +requiring a little of what Mrs. Merrywinkle calls ‘tittivation;’ +the secret of which is understood to lie in good cookery and tasteful +spices, and which process is so successfully performed in the present +instance, that both Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle eat a remarkably good dinner, +and even the afflicted Mrs. Chopper wields her knife and fork with much +of the spirit and elasticity of youth. But Mr. Merrywinkle, in +his desire to gratify his appetite, is not unmindful of his health, +for he has a bottle of carbonate of soda with which to qualify his porter, +and a little pair of scales in which to weigh it out. Neither +in his anxiety to take care of his body is he unmindful of the welfare +of his immortal part, as he always prays that for what he is going to +receive he may be made truly thankful; and in order that he may be as +thankful as possible, eats and drinks to the utmost.</p> +<p>Either from eating and drinking so much, or from being the victim +of this constitutional infirmity, among others, Mr. Merrywinkle, after +two or three glasses of wine, falls fast asleep; and he has scarcely +closed his eyes, when Mrs. Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper fall asleep +likewise. It is on awakening at tea-time that their most alarming +symptoms prevail; for then Mr. Merrywinkle feels as if his temples were +tightly bound round with the chain of the street-door, and Mrs. Merrywinkle +as if she had made a hearty dinner of half-hundredweights, and Mrs. +Chopper as if cold water were running down her back, and oyster-knives +with sharp points were plunging of their own accord into her ribs. +Symptoms like these are enough to make people peevish, and no wonder +that they remain so until supper-time, doing little more than doze and +complain, unless Mr. Merrywinkle calls out very loudly to a servant +‘to keep that draught out,’ or rushes into the passage to +flourish his fist in the countenance of the twopenny-postman, for daring +to give such a knock as he had just performed at the door of a private +gentleman with nerves.</p> +<p>Supper, coming after dinner, should consist of some gentle provocative; +and therefore the tittivating art is again in requisition, and again—done +honour to by Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, still comforted and abetted by +Mrs. Chopper. After supper, it is ten to one but the last-named +old lady becomes worse, and is led off to bed with the chronic complaint +in full vigour. Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, having administered +to her a warm cordial, which is something of the strongest, then repair +to their own room, where Mr. Merrywinkle, with his legs and feet in +hot water, superintends the mulling of some wine which he is to drink +at the very moment he plunges into bed, while Mrs. Merrywinkle, in garments +whose nature is unknown to and unimagined by all but married men, takes +four small pills with a spasmodic look between each, and finally comes +to something hot and fragrant out of another little saucepan, which +serves as her composing-draught for the night.</p> +<p>There is another kind of couple who coddle themselves, and who do +so at a cheaper rate and on more spare diet, because they are niggardly +and parsimonious; for which reason they are kind enough to coddle their +visitors too. It is unnecessary to describe them, for our readers +may rest assured of the accuracy of these general principles:- that +all couples who coddle themselves are selfish and slothful,—that +they charge upon every wind that blows, every rain that falls, and every +vapour that hangs in the air, the evils which arise from their own imprudence +or the gloom which is engendered in their own tempers,—and that +all men and women, in couples or otherwise, who fall into exclusive +habits of self-indulgence, and forget their natural sympathy and close +connexion with everybody and everything in the world around them, not +only neglect the first duty of life, but, by a happy retributive justice, +deprive themselves of its truest and best enjoyment.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE OLD COUPLE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>They are grandfather and grandmother to a dozen grown people and +have great-grandchildren besides; their bodies are bent, their hair +is grey, their step tottering and infirm. Is this the lightsome +pair whose wedding was so merry, and have the young couple indeed grown +old so soon!</p> +<p>It seems but yesterday—and yet what a host of cares and griefs +are crowded into the intervening time which, reckoned by them, lengthens +out into a century! How many new associations have wreathed themselves +about their hearts since then! The old time is gone, and a new +time has come for others—not for them. They are but the +rusting link that feebly joins the two, and is silently loosening its +hold and dropping asunder.</p> +<p>It seems but yesterday—and yet three of their children have +sunk into the grave, and the tree that shades it has grown quite old. +One was an infant—they wept for him; the next a girl, a slight +young thing too delicate for earth—her loss was hard indeed to +bear. The third, a man. That was the worst of all, but even +that grief is softened now.</p> +<p>It seems but yesterday—and yet how the gay and laughing faces +of that bright morning have changed and vanished from above ground! +Faint likenesses of some remain about them yet, but they are very faint +and scarcely to be traced. The rest are only seen in dreams, and +even they are unlike what they were, in eyes so old and dim.</p> +<p>One or two dresses from the bridal wardrobe are yet preserved. +They are of a quaint and antique fashion, and seldom seen except in +pictures. White has turned yellow, and brighter hues have faded. +Do you wonder, child? The wrinkled face was once as smooth as +yours, the eyes as bright, the shrivelled skin as fair and delicate. +It is the work of hands that have been dust these many years.</p> +<p>Where are the fairy lovers of that happy day whose annual return +comes upon the old man and his wife, like the echo of some village bell +which has long been silent? Let yonder peevish bachelor, racked +by rheumatic pains, and quarrelling with the world, let him answer to +the question. He recollects something of a favourite playmate; +her name was Lucy—so they tell him. He is not sure whether +she was married, or went abroad, or died. It is a long while ago, +and he don’t remember.</p> +<p>Is nothing as it used to be; does no one feel, or think, or act, +as in days of yore? Yes. There is an aged woman who once +lived servant with the old lady’s father, and is sheltered in +an alms-house not far off. She is still attached to the family, +and loves them all; she nursed the children in her lap, and tended in +their sickness those who are no more. Her old mistress has still +something of youth in her eyes; the young ladies are like what she was +but not quite so handsome, nor are the gentlemen as stately as Mr. Harvey +used to be. She has seen a great deal of trouble; her husband +and her son died long ago; but she has got over that, and is happy now—quite +happy.</p> +<p>If ever her attachment to her old protectors were disturbed by fresher +cares and hopes, it has long since resumed its former current. +It has filled the void in the poor creature’s heart, and replaced +the love of kindred. Death has not left her alone, and this, with +a roof above her head, and a warm hearth to sit by, makes her cheerful +and contented. Does she remember the marriage of great-grandmamma? +Ay, that she does, as well—as if it was only yesterday. +You wouldn’t think it to look at her now, and perhaps she ought +not to say so of herself, but she was as smart a young girl then as +you’d wish to see. She recollects she took a friend of hers +up-stairs to see Miss Emma dressed for church; her name was—ah! +she forgets the name, but she remembers that she was a very pretty girl, +and that she married not long afterwards, and lived—it has quite +passed out of her mind where she lived, but she knows she had a bad +husband who used her ill, and that she died in Lambeth work-house. +Dear, dear, in Lambeth workhouse!</p> +<p>And the old couple—have they no comfort or enjoyment of existence? +See them among their grandchildren and great-grandchildren; how garrulous +they are, how they compare one with another, and insist on likenesses +which no one else can see; how gently the old lady lectures the girls +on points of breeding and decorum, and points the moral by anecdotes +of herself in her young days—how the old gentleman chuckles over +boyish feats and roguish tricks, and tells long stories of a ‘barring-out’ +achieved at the school he went to: which was very wrong, he tells the +boys, and never to be imitated of course, but which he cannot help letting +them know was very pleasant too—especially when he kissed the +master’s niece. This last, however, is a point on which +the old lady is very tender, for she considers it a shocking and indelicate +thing to talk about, and always says so whenever it is mentioned, never +failing to observe that he ought to be very penitent for having been +so sinful. So the old gentleman gets no further, and what the +schoolmaster’s niece said afterwards (which he is always going +to tell) is lost to posterity.</p> +<p>The old gentleman is eighty years old, to-day—‘Eighty +years old, Crofts, and never had a headache,’ he tells the barber +who shaves him (the barber being a young fellow, and very subject to +that complaint). ‘That’s a great age, Crofts,’ +says the old gentleman. ‘I don’t think it’s +sich a wery great age, Sir,’ replied the barber. ‘Crofts,’ +rejoins the old gentleman, ‘you’re talking nonsense to me. +Eighty not a great age?’ ‘It’s a wery great +age, Sir, for a gentleman to be as healthy and active as you are,’ +returns the barber; ‘but my grandfather, Sir, he was ninety-four.’ +‘You don’t mean that, Crofts?’ says the old gentleman. +‘I do indeed, Sir,’ retorts the barber, ‘and as wiggerous +as Julius Caesar, my grandfather was.’ The old gentleman +muses a little time, and then says, ‘What did he die of, Crofts?’ +‘He died accidentally, Sir,’ returns the barber; ‘he +didn’t mean to do it. He always would go a running about +the streets—walking never satisfied <i>his</i> spirit—and +he run against a post and died of a hurt in his chest.’ +The old gentleman says no more until the shaving is concluded, and then +he gives Crofts half-a-crown to drink his health. He is a little +doubtful of the barber’s veracity afterwards, and telling the +anecdote to the old lady, affects to make very light of it—though +to be sure (he adds) there was old Parr, and in some parts of England, +ninety-five or so is a common age, quite a common age.</p> +<p>This morning the old couple are cheerful but serious, recalling old +times as well as they can remember them, and dwelling upon many passages +in their past lives which the day brings to mind. The old lady +reads aloud, in a tremulous voice, out of a great Bible, and the old +gentleman with his hand to his ear, listens with profound respect. +When the book is closed, they sit silent for a short space, and afterwards +resume their conversation, with a reference perhaps to their dead children, +as a subject not unsuited to that they have just left. By degrees +they are led to consider which of those who survive are the most like +those dearly-remembered objects, and so they fall into a less solemn +strain, and become cheerful again.</p> +<p>How many people in all, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and one +or two intimate friends of the family, dine together to-day at the eldest +son’s to congratulate the old couple, and wish them many happy +returns, is a calculation beyond our powers; but this we know, that +the old couple no sooner present themselves, very sprucely and carefully +attired, than there is a violent shouting and rushing forward of the +younger branches with all manner of presents, such as pocket-books, +pencil-cases, pen-wipers, watch-papers, pin-cushions, sleeve-buckles, +worked-slippers, watch-guards, and even a nutmeg-grater: the latter +article being presented by a very chubby and very little boy, who exhibits +it in great triumph as an extraordinary variety. The old couple’s +emotion at these tokens of remembrance occasions quite a pathetic scene, +of which the chief ingredients are a vast quantity of kissing and hugging, +and repeated wipings of small eyes and noses with small square pocket-handkerchiefs, +which don’t come at all easily out of small pockets. Even +the peevish bachelor is moved, and he says, as he presents the old gentleman +with a queer sort of antique ring from his own finger, that he’ll +be de’ed if he doesn’t think he looks younger than he did +ten years ago.</p> +<p>But the great time is after dinner, when the dessert and wine are +on the table, which is pushed back to make plenty of room, and they +are all gathered in a large circle round the fire, for it is then—the +glasses being filled, and everybody ready to drink the toast—that +two great-grandchildren rush out at a given signal, and presently return, +dragging in old Jane Adams leaning upon her crutched stick, and trembling +with age and pleasure. Who so popular as poor old Jane, nurse +and story-teller in ordinary to two generations; and who so happy as +she, striving to bend her stiff limbs into a curtsey, while tears of +pleasure steal down her withered cheeks!</p> +<p>The old couple sit side by side, and the old time seems like yesterday +indeed. Looking back upon the path they have travelled, its dust +and ashes disappear; the flowers that withered long ago, show brightly +again upon its borders, and they grow young once more in the youth of +those about them.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CONCLUSION</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>We have taken for the subjects of the foregoing moral essays, twelve +samples of married couples, carefully selected from a large stock on +hand, open to the inspection of all comers. These samples are +intended for the benefit of the rising generation of both sexes, and, +for their more easy and pleasant information, have been separately ticketed +and labelled in the manner they have seen.</p> +<p>We have purposely excluded from consideration the couple in which +the lady reigns paramount and supreme, holding such cases to be of a +very unnatural kind, and like hideous births and other monstrous deformities, +only to be discreetly and sparingly exhibited.</p> +<p>And here our self-imposed task would have ended, but that to those +young ladies and gentlemen who are yet revolving singly round the church, +awaiting the advent of that time when the mysterious laws of attraction +shall draw them towards it in couples, we are desirous of addressing +a few last words.</p> +<p>Before marriage and afterwards, let them learn to centre all their +hopes of real and lasting happiness in their own fireside; let them +cherish the faith that in home, and all the English virtues which the +love of home engenders, lies the only true source of domestic felicity; +let them believe that round the household gods, contentment and tranquillity +cluster in their gentlest and most graceful forms; and that many weary +hunters of happiness through the noisy world, have learnt this truth +too late, and found a cheerful spirit and a quiet mind only at home +at last.</p> +<p>How much may depend on the education of daughters and the conduct +of mothers; how much of the brightest part of our old national character +may be perpetuated by their wisdom or frittered away by their folly—how +much of it may have been lost already, and how much more in danger of +vanishing every day—are questions too weighty for discussion here, +but well deserving a little serious consideration from all young couples +nevertheless.</p> +<p>To that one young couple on whose bright destiny the thoughts of +nations are fixed, may the youth of England look, and not in vain, for +an example. From that one young couple, blessed and favoured as +they are, may they learn that even the glare and glitter of a court, +the splendour of a palace, and the pomp and glory of a throne, yield +in their power of conferring happiness, to domestic worth and virtue. +From that one young couple may they learn that the crown of a great +empire, costly and jewelled though it be, gives place in the estimation +of a Queen to the plain gold ring that links her woman’s nature +to that of tens of thousands of her humble subjects, and guards in her +woman’s heart one secret store of tenderness, whose proudest boast +shall be that it knows no Royalty save Nature’s own, and no pride +of birth but being the child of heaven!</p> +<p>So shall the highest young couple in the land for once hear the truth, +when men throw up their caps, and cry with loving shouts -</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>GOD BLESS THEM.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<p>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES ***</p> +<pre> + +******This file should be named yngcp10h.htm or yngcp10h.zip****** +Corrected EDITIONS of our EBooks get a new NUMBER, yngcp11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, yngcp10ah.htm + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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