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diff --git a/old/8rgrg10.zip b/old/8rgrg10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e1120d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8rgrg10.zip diff --git a/old/9151-h.htm.2021-01-28 b/old/9151-h.htm.2021-01-28 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dfb34ba --- /dev/null +++ b/old/9151-h.htm.2021-01-28 @@ -0,0 +1,13224 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Ruggles of Red Gap, by Harry Leon Wilson + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: right; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; margin-left: 0.8em; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Ruggles of Red Gap, by Harry Leon Wilson + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Ruggles of Red Gap + +Author: Harry Leon Wilson + + +Release Date: October, 2005 [EBook #9151] +This file was first posted on September 8, 2003 +Last Updated: November 20, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RUGGLES OF RED GAP *** + + + + +Text file produced by Suzanne L. Shell, Charles Franks and Distributed +Proofreaders + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + + + +</pre> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + RUGGLES of RED GAP + </h1> + <h2> + By Harry Leon Wilson + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h3> + 1915 + </h3> + <h5> + {Illustration: “I TAKE IT YOU FAILED TO WIN THE HUNDRED POUNDS, SIR?”}<br /> + (Illustrations not available in this edition) + </h5> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + {Dedication}<br /> TO HELEN COOKE WILSON + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER ONE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER TWO </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER THREE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER FOUR </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER FIVE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER SIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER SEVEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER EIGHT </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER NINE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER TEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER ELEVEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER TWELVE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER THIRTEEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER FOURTEEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER FIFTEEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER SIXTEEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER SEVENTEEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER EIGHTEEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER NINETEEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER TWENTY </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER ONE + </h2> + <p> + At 6:30 in our Paris apartment I had finished the Honourable George, + performing those final touches that make the difference between a man well + turned out and a man merely dressed. In the main I was not dissatisfied. + His dress waistcoats, it is true, no longer permit the inhalation of + anything like a full breath, and his collars clasp too closely. (I have + always held that a collar may provide quite ample room for the throat + without sacrifice of smartness if the depth be at least two and one + quarter inches.) And it is no secret to either the Honourable George or + our intimates that I have never approved his fashion of beard, a reddish, + enveloping, brushlike affair never nicely enough trimmed. I prefer, + indeed, no beard at all, but he stubbornly refuses to shave, possessing a + difficult chin. Still, I repeat, he was not nearly impossible as he now + left my hands. + </p> + <p> + “Dining with the Americans,” he remarked, as I conveyed the hat, gloves, + and stick to him in their proper order. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” I replied. “And might I suggest, sir, that your choice be a + grilled undercut or something simple, bearing in mind the undoubted + effects of shell-fish upon one’s complexion?” The hard truth is that after + even a very little lobster the Honourable George has a way of coming out + in spots. A single oyster patty, too, will often spot him quite all over. + </p> + <p> + “What cheek! Decide that for myself,” he retorted with a lame effort at + dignity which he was unable to sustain. His eyes fell from mine. “Besides, + I’m almost quite certain that the last time it was the melon. Wretched + things, melons!” + </p> + <p> + Then, as if to divert me, he rather fussily refused the correct evening + stick I had chosen for him and seized a knobby bit of thornwood suitable + only for moor and upland work, and brazenly quite discarded the gloves. + </p> + <p> + “Feel a silly fool wearing gloves when there’s no reason!” he exclaimed + pettishly. + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, sir,” I replied, freezing instantly. + </p> + <p> + “Now, don’t play the juggins,” he retorted. “Let me be comfortable. And I + don’t mind telling you I stand to win a hundred quid this very evening.” + </p> + <p> + “I dare say,” I replied. The sum was more than needed, but I had cause to + be thus cynical. + </p> + <p> + “From the American Johnny with the eyebrows,” he went on with a quite + pathetic enthusiasm. “We’re to play their American game of poker—drawing + poker as they call it. I’ve watched them play for near a fortnight. It’s + beastly simple. One has only to know when to bluff.” + </p> + <p> + “A hundred pounds, yes, sir. And if one loses——” + </p> + <p> + He flashed me a look so deucedly queer that it fair chilled me. + </p> + <p> + “I fancy you’ll be even more interested than I if I lose,” he remarked in + tones of a curious evenness that were somehow rather deadly. The words + seemed pregnant with meaning, but before I could weigh them I heard him + noisily descending the stairs. It was only then I recalled having noticed + that he had not changed to his varnished boots, having still on his feet + the doggish and battered pair he most favoured. It was a trick of his to + evade me with them. I did for them each day all that human boot-cream + could do, but they were things no sensitive gentleman would endure with + evening dress. I was glad to reflect that doubtless only Americans would + observe them. + </p> + <p> + So began the final hours of a 14th of July in Paris that must ever be + memorable. My own birthday, it is also chosen by the French as one on + which to celebrate with carnival some one of those regrettable events in + their own distressing past. + </p> + <p> + To begin with, the day was marked first of all by the breezing in of his + lordship the Earl of Brinstead, brother of the Honourable George, on his + way to England from the Engadine. More peppery than usual had his lordship + been, his grayish side-whiskers in angry upheaval and his inflamed words + exploding quite all over the place, so that the Honourable George and I + had both perceived it to be no time for admitting our recent financial + reverse at the gaming tables of Ostend. On the contrary, we had gamely + affirmed the last quarter’s allowance to be practically untouched—a + desperate stand, indeed! But there was that in his lordship’s manner to + urge us to it, though even so he appeared to be not more than half + deceived. + </p> + <p> + “No good greening me!” he exploded to both of us. “Tell in a flash—gambling, + or a woman—typing-girl, milliner, dancing person, what, what! Guilty + faces, both of you. Know you too well. My word, what, what!” + </p> + <p> + Again we stoutly protested while his lordship on the hearthrug rocked in + his boots and glared. The Honourable George gamely rattled some loose coin + of the baser sort in his pockets and tried in return for a glare of + innocence foully aspersed. I dare say he fell short of it. His histrionic + gifts are but meagre. + </p> + <p> + “Fools, quite fools, both of you!” exploded his lordship anew. “And, make + it worse, no longer young fools. Young and a fool, people make excuses. + Say, ‘Fool? Yes, but so young!’ But old and a fool—not a word to + say, what, what! Silly rot at forty.” He clutched his side-whiskers with + frenzied hands. He seemed to comb them to a more bristling rage. + </p> + <p> + “Dare say you’ll both come croppers. Not surprise me. Silly old George, + course, course! Hoped better of Ruggles, though. Ruggles different from + old George. Got a brain. But can’t use it. Have old George wed to a + charwoman presently. Hope she’ll be a worker. Need to be—support you + both, what, what!” + </p> + <p> + I mean to say, he was coming it pretty thick, since he could not have + forgotten that each time I had warned him so he could hasten to save his + brother from distressing mésalliances. I refer to the affair with the + typing-girl and to the later entanglement with a Brixton milliner + encountered informally under the portico of a theatre in Charing Cross + Road. But he was in no mood to concede that I had thus far shown a + scrupulous care in these emergencies. Peppery he was, indeed. He gathered + hat and stick, glaring indignantly at each of them and then at us. + </p> + <p> + “Greened me fair, haven’t you, about money? Quite so, quite so! Not hear + from you then till next quarter. No telegraphing—no begging letters. + Shouldn’t a bit know what to make of them. Plenty you got to last. Say so + yourselves.” He laughed villainously here. “Morning,” said he, and was + out. + </p> + <p> + “Old Nevil been annoyed by something,” said the Honourable George after a + long silence. “Know the old boy too well. Always tell when he’s been + annoyed. Rather wish he hadn’t been.” + </p> + <p> + So we had come to the night of this memorable day, and to the Honourable + George’s departure on his mysterious words about the hundred pounds. + </p> + <p> + Left alone, I began to meditate profoundly. It was the closing of a day I + had seen dawn with the keenest misgiving, having had reason to believe it + might be fraught with significance if not disaster to myself. The year + before a gypsy at Epsom had solemnly warned me that a great change would + come into my life on or before my fortieth birthday. To this I might have + paid less heed but for its disquieting confirmation on a later day at a + psychic parlour in Edgware Road. Proceeding there in company with my + eldest brother-in-law, a plate-layer and surfaceman on the Northern (he + being uncertain about the Derby winner for that year), I was told by the + person for a trifle of two shillings that I was soon to cross water and to + meet many strange adventures. True, later events proved her to have been + psychically unsound as to the Derby winner (so that my brother-in-law, who + was out two pounds ten, thereby threatened to have an action against her); + yet her reference to myself had confirmed the words of the gypsy; so it + will be plain why I had been anxious the whole of this birthday. + </p> + <p> + For one thing, I had gone on the streets as little as possible, though I + should naturally have done that, for the behaviour of the French on this + bank holiday of theirs is repugnant in the extreme to the sane English + point of view—I mean their frivolous public dancing and marked + conversational levity. Indeed, in their soberest moments, they have too + little of British weight. Their best-dressed men are apparently turned out + not by menservants but by modistes. I will not say their women are without + a gift for wearing gowns, and their chefs have unquestionably got at the + inner meaning of food, but as a people at large they would never do with + us. Even their language is not based on reason. I have had occasion, for + example, to acquire their word for bread, which is “pain.” As if that were + not wild enough, they mispronounce it atrociously. Yet for years these + people have been separated from us only by a narrow strip of water! + </p> + <p> + By keeping close to our rooms, then, I had thought to evade what of evil + might have been in store for me on this day. Another evening I might have + ventured abroad to a cinema palace, but this was no time for daring, and I + took a further precaution of locking our doors. Then, indeed, I had no + misgiving save that inspired by the last words of the Honourable George. + In the event of his losing the game of poker I was to be even more + concerned than he. Yet how could evil come to me, even should the American + do him in the eye rather frightfully? In truth, I had not the faintest + belief that the Honourable George would win the game. He fancies himself a + card-player, though why he should, God knows. At bridge with him every + hand is a no-trumper. I need not say more. Also it occurred to me that the + American would be a person not accustomed to losing. There was that about + him. + </p> + <p> + More than once I had deplored this rather Bohemian taste of the Honourable + George which led him to associate with Americans as readily as with + persons of his own class; and especially had I regretted his intimacy with + the family in question. Several times I had observed them, on the occasion + of bearing messages from the Honourable George—usually his + acceptance of an invitation to dine. Too obviously they were rather a + handful. I mean to say, they were people who could perhaps matter in their + own wilds, but they would never do with us. + </p> + <p> + Their leader, with whom the Honourable George had consented to game this + evening, was a tall, careless-spoken person, with a narrow, dark face + marked with heavy black brows that were rather tremendous in their effect + when he did not smile. Almost at my first meeting him I divined something + of the public man in his bearing, a suggestion, perhaps, of the confirmed + orator, a notion in which I was somehow further set by the gesture with + which he swept back his carelessly falling forelock. I was not surprised, + then, to hear him referred to as the “Senator.” In some unexplained + manner, the Honourable George, who is never as reserved in public as I + could wish him to be, had chummed up with this person at one of the + race-tracks, and had thereafter been almost quite too pally with him and + with the very curious other members of his family—the name being + Floud. + </p> + <p> + The wife might still be called youngish, a bit florid in type, plumpish, + with yellow hair, though to this a stain had been applied, leaving it in + deficient consonance with her eyebrows; these shading grayish eyes that + crackled with determination. Rather on the large side she was, forcible of + speech and manner, yet curiously eager, I had at once detected, for the + exactly correct thing in dress and deportment. + </p> + <p> + The remaining member of the family was a male cousin of the so-called + Senator, his senior evidently by half a score of years, since I took him + to have reached the late fifties. “Cousin Egbert” he was called, and it + was at once apparent to me that he had been most direly subjugated by the + woman whom he addressed with great respect as “Mrs. Effie.” Rather a + seamed and drooping chap he was, with mild, whitish-blue eyes like a + porcelain doll’s, a mournfully drooped gray moustache, and a grayish + jumble of hair. I early remarked his hunted look in the presence of the + woman. Timid and soft-stepping he was beyond measure. + </p> + <p> + Such were the impressions I had been able to glean of these altogether + queer people during the fortnight since the Honourable George had so + lawlessly taken them up. Lodged they were in an hotel among the most + expensive situated near what would have been our Trafalgar Square, and I + later recalled that I had been most interestedly studied by the so-called + “Mrs. Effie” on each of the few occasions I appeared there. I mean to say, + she would not be above putting to me intimate questions concerning my term + of service with the Honourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell, the + precise nature of the duties I performed for him, and even the exact sum + of my honourarium. On the last occasion she had remarked—and too + well I recall a strange glitter in her competent eyes—“You are just + the man needed by poor Cousin Egbert there—you could make something + of him. Look at the way he’s tied that cravat after all I’ve said to him.” + </p> + <p> + The person referred to here shivered noticeably, stroked his chin in a + manner enabling him to conceal the cravat, and affected nervously to be + taken with a sight in the street below. In some embarrassment I withdrew, + conscious of a cold, speculative scrutiny bent upon me by the woman. + </p> + <p> + If I have seemed tedious in my recital of the known facts concerning these + extraordinary North American natives, it will, I am sure, be forgiven me + in the light of those tragic developments about to ensue. + </p> + <p> + Meantime, let me be pictured as reposing in fancied security from all evil + predictions while I awaited the return of the Honourable George. I was + only too certain he would come suffering from an acute acid dyspepsia, for + I had seen lobster in his shifty eyes as he left me; but beyond this I + apprehended nothing poignant, and I gave myself up to meditating + profoundly upon our situation. + </p> + <p> + Frankly, it was not good. I had done my best to cheer the Honourable + George, but since our brief sojourn at Ostend, and despite the almost + continuous hospitality of the Americans, he had been having, to put it + bluntly, an awful hump. At Ostend, despite my remonstrance, he had staked + and lost the major portion of his quarter’s allowance in testing a system + at the wheel which had been warranted by the person who sold it to him in + London to break any bank in a day’s play. He had meant to pause but + briefly at Ostend, for little more than a test of the system, then proceed + to Monte Carlo, where his proposed terrific winnings would occasion less + alarm to the managers. Yet at Ostend the system developed such grave + faults in the first hour of play that we were forced to lay up in Paris to + economize. + </p> + <p> + For myself I had entertained doubts of the system from the moment of its + purchase, for it seemed awfully certain to me that the vendor would have + used it himself instead of parting with it for a couple of quid, he being + in plain need of fresh linen and smarter boots, to say nothing of the + quite impossible lounge-suit he wore the night we met him in a cab shelter + near Covent Garden. But the Honourable George had not listened to me. He + insisted the chap had made it all enormously clear; that those + mathematical Johnnies never valued money for its own sake, and that we + should presently be as right as two sparrows in a crate. + </p> + <p> + Fearfully annoyed I was at the dénouement. For now we were in Paris, + rather meanly lodged in a dingy hotel on a narrow street leading from what + with us might have been Piccadilly Circus. Our rooms were rather a good + height with a carved cornice and plaster enrichments, but the furnishings + were musty and the general air depressing, notwithstanding the effect of a + few good mantel ornaments which I have long made it a rule to carry with + me. + </p> + <p> + Then had come the meeting with the Americans. Glad I was to reflect that + this had occurred in Paris instead of London. That sort of thing gets + about so. Even from Paris I was not a little fearful that news of his + mixing with this raffish set might get to the ears of his lordship either + at the town house or at Chaynes-Wotten. True, his lordship is not + over-liberal with his brother, but that is small reason for affronting the + pride of a family that attained its earldom in the fourteenth century. + Indeed the family had become important quite long before this time, the + first Vane-Basingwell having been beheaded by no less a personage than + William the Conqueror, as I learned in one of the many hours I have been + privileged to browse in the Chaynes-Wotten library. + </p> + <p> + It need hardly be said that in my long term of service with the Honourable + George, beginning almost from the time my mother nursed him, I have + endeavoured to keep him up to his class, combating a certain laxness that + has hampered him. And most stubborn he is, and wilful. At games he is + almost quite a duffer. I once got him to play outside left on a hockey + eleven and he excited much comment, some of which was of a favourable + nature, but he cares little for hunting or shooting and, though it is + scarce a matter to be gossiped of, he loathes cricket. Perhaps I have + disclosed enough concerning him. Although the Vane-Basingwells have quite + almost always married the right people, the Honourable George was beyond + question born queer. + </p> + <p> + Again, in the matter of marriage, he was difficult. His lordship, having + married early into a family of poor lifes, was now long a widower, and + meaning to remain so he had been especially concerned that the Honourable + George should contract a proper alliance. Hence our constant worry lest he + prove too susceptible out of his class. More than once had he shamefully + funked his fences. There was the distressing instance of the Honourable + Agatha Cradleigh. Quite all that could be desired of family and dower she + was, thirty-two years old, a bit faded though still eager, with the rather + immensely high forehead and long, thin, slightly curved Cradleigh nose. + </p> + <p> + The Honourable George at his lordship’s peppery urging had at last + consented to a betrothal, and our troubles for a time promised to be over, + but it came to precisely nothing. I gathered it might have been because + she wore beads on her gown and was interested in uplift work, or that she + bred canaries, these birds being loathed by the Honourable George with + remarkable intensity, though it might equally have been that she still + mourned a deceased fiancé of her early girlhood, a curate, I believe, + whose faded letters she had preserved and would read to the Honourable + George at intimate moments, weeping bitterly the while. Whatever may have + been his fancied objection—that is the time we disappeared and were + not heard of for near a twelvemonth. + </p> + <p> + Wondering now I was how we should last until the next quarter’s allowance. + We always had lasted, but each time it was a different way. The Honourable + George at a crisis of this sort invariably spoke of entering trade, and + had actually talked of selling motor-cars, pointing out to me that even + certain rulers of Europe had frankly entered this trade as agents. It + might have proved remunerative had he known anything of motor-cars, but I + was more than glad he did not, for I have always considered machinery to + be unrefined. Much I preferred that he be a company promoter or something + of that sort in the city, knowing about bonds and debentures, as many of + the best of our families are not above doing. It seemed all he could do + with propriety, having failed in examinations for the army and the church, + and being incurably hostile to politics, which he declared silly rot. + </p> + <p> + Sharply at midnight I aroused myself from these gloomy thoughts and + breathed a long sigh of relief. Both gipsy and psychic expert had failed + in their prophecies. With a lightened heart I set about the preparations I + knew would be needed against the Honourable George’s return. Strong in my + conviction that he would not have been able to resist lobster, I made + ready his hot foot-bath with its solution of brine-crystals and put the + absorbent fruit-lozenges close by, together with his sleeping-suit, his + bed-cap, and his knitted night-socks. Scarcely was all ready when I heard + his step. + </p> + <p> + He greeted me curtly on entering, swiftly averting his face as I took his + stick, hat, and top-coat. But I had seen the worst at one glance. The + Honourable George was more than spotted—he was splotchy. It was as + bad as that. + </p> + <p> + “Lobster <i>and</i> oysters,” I made bold to remark, but he affected not + to have heard, and proceeded rapidly to disrobe. He accepted the foot-bath + without demur, pulling a blanket well about his shoulders, complaining of + the water’s temperature, and demanding three of the fruit-lozenges. + </p> + <p> + “Not what you think at all,” he then said. “It was that cursed bar-le-duc + jelly. Always puts me this way, and you quite well know it.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir, to be sure,” I answered gravely, and had the satisfaction of + noting that he looked quite a little foolish. Too well he knew I could not + be deceived, and even now I could surmise that the lobster had been + supported by sherry. How many times have I not explained to him that + sherry has double the tonic vinosity of any other wine and may not be + tampered with by the sensitive. But he chose at present to make light of + it, almost as if he were chaffing above his knowledge of some calamity. + </p> + <p> + “Some book Johnny says a chap is either a fool or a physician at forty,” + he remarked, drawing the blanket more closely about him. + </p> + <p> + “I should hardly rank you as a Harley Street consultant, sir,” I swiftly + retorted, which was slanging him enormously because he had turned forty. I + mean to say, there was but one thing he could take me as meaning him to + be, since at forty I considered him no physician. But at least I had not + been too blunt, the touch about the Harley Street consultant being rather + neat, I thought, yet not too subtle for him. + </p> + <p> + He now demanded a pipe of tobacco, and for a time smoked in silence. I + could see that his mind worked painfully. + </p> + <p> + “Stiffish lot, those Americans,” he said at last. + </p> + <p> + “They do so many things one doesn’t do,” I answered. + </p> + <p> + “And their brogue is not what one could call top-hole, is it now? How + often they say ‘I guess!’ I fancy they must say it a score of times in a + half-hour.” + </p> + <p> + “I fancy they do, sir,” I agreed. + </p> + <p> + “I fancy that Johnny with the eyebrows will say it even oftener.” + </p> + <p> + “I fancy so, sir. I fancy I’ve counted it well up to that.” + </p> + <p> + “I fancy you’re quite right. And the chap ‘guesses’ when he awfully well + knows, too. That’s the essential rabbit. To-night he said ‘I guess I’ve + got you beaten to a pulp,’ when I fancy he wasn’t guessing at all. I mean + to say, I swear he knew it perfectly.” + </p> + <p> + “You lost the game of drawing poker?” I asked coldly, though I knew he had + carried little to lose. + </p> + <p> + “I lost——” he began. I observed he was strangely embarrassed. + He strangled over his pipe and began anew: “I said that to play the game + soundly you’ve only to know when to bluff. Studied it out myself, and + jolly well right I was, too, as far as I went. But there’s further to go + in the silly game. I hadn’t observed that to play it greatly one must also + know when one’s opponent is bluffing.” + </p> + <p> + “Really, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, really; quite important, I assure you. More important than one would + have believed, watching their silly ways. You fancy a chap’s bluffing when + he’s doing nothing of the sort. I’d enormously have liked to know it + before we played. Things would have been so awfully different for us”—he + broke off curiously, paused, then added—“for you.” + </p> + <p> + “Different for me, sir?” His words seemed gruesome. They seemed open to + some vaguely sinister interpretation. But I kept myself steady. + </p> + <p> + “We live and learn, sir,” I said, lightly enough. + </p> + <p> + “Some of us learn too late,” he replied, increasingly ominous. + </p> + <p> + “I take it you failed to win the hundred pounds, sir?” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “I TAKE IT YOU FAILED TO WIN THE HUNDRED POUNDS, SIR?”} + </p> + <p> + “I have the hundred pounds; I won it—by losing.” + </p> + <p> + Again he evaded my eye. + </p> + <p> + “Played, indeed, sir,” said I. + </p> + <p> + “You jolly well won’t believe that for long.” + </p> + <p> + Now as he had the hundred pounds, I couldn’t fancy what the deuce and all + he meant by such prattle. I was half afraid he might be having me on, as I + have known him do now and again when he fancied he could get me. I + fearfully wanted to ask questions. Again I saw the dark, absorbed face of + the gipsy as he studied my future. + </p> + <p> + “Rotten shift, life is,” now murmured the Honourable George quite as if he + had forgotten me. “If I’d have but put through that Monte Carlo affair I + dare say I’d have chucked the whole business—gone to South Africa, + perhaps, and set up a mine or a plantation. Shouldn’t have come back. Just + cut off, and good-bye to this mess. But no capital. Can’t do things + without capital. Where these American Johnnies have the pull of us. Do + anything. Nearly do what they jolly well like to. No sense to money. Stuff + that runs blind. Look at the silly beggars that have it——” On + he went quite alarmingly with his tirade. Almost as violent he was as an + ugly-headed chap I once heard ranting when I went with my brother-in-law + to a meeting of the North Brixton Radical Club. Quite like an anarchist he + was. Presently he quieted. After a long pull at his pipe he regarded me + with an entire change of manner. Well I knew something was coming; coming + swift as a rocketing woodcock. Word for word I put down our incredible + speeches: + </p> + <p> + “You are going out to America, Ruggles.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir; North or South, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “North, I fancy; somewhere on the West coast—Ohio, Omaha, one of + those Indian places.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps Indiana or the Yellowstone Valley, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “The chap’s a sort of millionaire.” + </p> + <p> + “The chap, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Eyebrow chap. Money no end—mines, lumber, domestic animals, that + sort of thing.” + </p> + <p> + “Beg pardon, sir! I’m to go——” + </p> + <p> + “Chap’s wife taken a great fancy to you. Would have you to do for the + funny, sad beggar. So he’s won you. Won you in a game of drawing poker. + Another man would have done as well, but the creature was keen for you. + Great strength of character. Determined sort. Hope you won’t think I + didn’t play soundly, but it’s not a forthright game. Think they’re + bluffing when they aren’t. When they are you mayn’t think it. So far as + hiding one’s intentions, it’s a most rottenly immoral game. Low, animal + cunning—that sort of thing.” + </p> + <p> + “Do I understand I was the stake, sir?” I controlled myself to say. The + heavens seemed bursting about my head. + </p> + <p> + “Ultimately lost you were by the very trifling margin of superiority that + a hand known as a club flush bears over another hand consisting of three + of the eights—not quite all of them, you understand, only three, and + two other quite meaningless cards.” + </p> + <p> + I could but stammer piteously, I fear. I heard myself make a wretched + failure of words that crowded to my lips. + </p> + <p> + “But it’s quite simple, I tell you. I dare say I could show it you in a + moment if you’ve cards in your box.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, sir, I’ll not trouble you. I’m certain it was simple. But + would you mind telling me what exactly the game was played for?” + </p> + <p> + “Knew you’d not understand at once. My word, it was not too bally simple. + If I won I’d a hundred pounds. If I lost I’d to give you up to them but + still to receive a hundred pounds. I suspect the Johnny’s conscience + pricked him. Thought you were worth a hundred pounds, and guessed all the + time he could do me awfully in the eye with his poker. Quite set they were + on having you. Eyebrow chap seemed to think it a jolly good wheeze. She + didn’t, though. Quite off her head at having you for that glum one who + does himself so badly.” + </p> + <p> + Dazed I was, to be sure, scarce comprehending the calamity that had + befallen us. + </p> + <p> + “Am I to understand, sir, that I am now in the service of the Americans?” + </p> + <p> + “Stupid! Of course, of course! Explained clearly, haven’t I, about the + club flush and the three eights. Only three of them, mind you. If the + other one had been in my hand, I’d have done him. As narrow a squeak as + that. But I lost. And you may be certain I lost gamely, as a gentleman + should. No laughing matter, but I laughed with them—except the + funny, sad one. He was worried and made no secret of it. They were good + enough to say I took my loss like a dead sport.” + </p> + <p> + More of it followed, but always the same. Ever he came back to the + sickening, concise point that I was to go out to the American wilderness + with these grotesque folk who had but the most elementary notions of what + one does and what one does not do. Always he concluded with his boast that + he had taken his loss like a dead sport. He became vexed at last by my + painful efforts to understand how, precisely, the dreadful thing had come + about. But neither could I endure more. I fled to my room. He had tried + again to impress upon me that three eights are but slightly inferior to + the flush of clubs. + </p> + <p> + I faced my glass. My ordinary smooth, full face seemed to have shrivelled. + The marks of my anguish were upon me. Vainly had I locked myself in. The + gipsy’s warning had borne its evil fruit. Sold, I’d been; even as once the + poor blackamoors were sold into American bondage. I recalled one of their + pathetic folk-songs in which the wretches were wont to make light of their + lamentable estate; a thing I had often heard sung by a black with a banjo + on the pier at Brighton; not a genuine black, only dyed for the moment he + was, but I had never lost the plaintive quality of the verses: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Away down South in Michigan, + Where I was so happy and so gay, + ‘Twas there I mowed the cotton and the cane——” + </pre> + <p> + How poignantly the simple words came back to me! A slave, day after day + mowing his owner’s cotton and cane, plucking the maize from the savannahs, + yet happy and gay! Should I be equal to this spirit? The Honourable George + had lost; so I, his pawn, must also submit like a dead sport. + </p> + <p> + How little I then dreamed what adventures, what adversities, what + ignominies—yes, and what triumphs were to be mine in those back + blocks of North America! I saw but a bleak wilderness, a distressing + contact with people who never for a moment would do with us. I shuddered. + I despaired. + </p> + <p> + And outside the windows gay Paris laughed and sang in the dance, ever + unheeding my plight! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER TWO + </h2> + <p> + In that first sleep how often do we dream that our calamity has been only + a dream. It was so in my first moments of awakening. Vestiges of some + grotesquely hideous nightmare remained with me. Wearing the shackles of + the slave, I had been mowing the corn under the fierce sun that beats down + upon the American savannahs. Sickeningly, then, a wind of memory blew upon + me and I was alive to my situation. + </p> + <p> + Nor was I forgetful of the plight in which the Honourable George would now + find himself. He is as good as lost when not properly looked after. In the + ordinary affairs of life he is a simple, trusting, incompetent duffer, if + ever there was one. Even in so rudimentary a matter as collar-studs he is + like a storm-tossed mariner—I mean to say, like a chap in a boat on + the ocean who doesn’t know what sails to pull up nor how to steer the + silly rudder. + </p> + <p> + One rather feels exactly that about him. + </p> + <p> + And now he was bound to go seedy beyond description—like the time at + Mentone when he dreamed a system for playing the little horses, after + which for a fortnight I was obliged to nurse a well-connected invalid in + order that we might last over till next remittance day. The havoc he + managed to wreak among his belongings in that time would scarce be + believed should I set it down—not even a single boot properly treed—and + his appearance when I was enabled to recover him (my client having behaved + most handsomely on the eve of his departure for Spain) being such that I + passed him in the hotel lounge without even a nod—climbing-boots, + with trousers from his one suit of boating flannels, a blazered golfing + waistcoat, his best morning-coat with the wide braid, a hunting-stock and + a motoring-cap, with his beard more than discursive, as one might say, + than I had ever seen it. If I disclose this thing it is only that my fears + for him may be comprehended when I pictured him being permanently out of + hand. + </p> + <p> + Meditating thus bitterly, I had but finished dressing when I was startled + by a knock on my door and by the entrance, to my summons, of the elder and + more subdued Floud, he of the drooping mustaches and the mournful eyes of + pale blue. One glance at his attire brought freshly to my mind the + atrocious difficulties of my new situation. I may be credited or not, but + combined with tan boots and wretchedly fitting trousers of a purple hue he + wore a black frock-coat, revealing far, far too much of a blue satin + “made” cravat on which was painted a cluster of tiny white flowers—lilies + of the valley, I should say. Unbelievably above this monstrous mélange was + a rather low-crowned bowler hat. + </p> + <p> + Hardly repressing a shudder, I bowed, whereupon he advanced solemnly to me + and put out his hand. To cover the embarrassing situation tactfully I + extended my own, and we actually shook hands, although the clasp was + limply quite formal. + </p> + <p> + “How do you do, Mr. Ruggles?” he began. + </p> + <p> + I bowed again, but speech failed me. + </p> + <p> + “She sent me over to get you,” he went on. He uttered the word “She” with + such profound awe that I knew he could mean none other than Mrs. Effie. It + was most extraordinary, but I dare say only what was to have been expected + from persons of this sort. In any good-class club or among gentlemen at + large it is customary to allow one at least twenty-four hours for the + payment of one’s gambling debts. Yet there I was being collected by the + winner at so early an hour as half-after seven. If I had been a five-pound + note instead of myself, I fancy it would have been quite the same. These + Americans would most indecently have sent for their winnings before the + Honourable George had awakened. One would have thought they had expected + him to refuse payment of me after losing me the night before. How little + they seemed to realize that we were both intending to be dead sportsmen. + </p> + <p> + “Very good, sir,” I said, “but I trust I may be allowed to brew the + Honourable George his tea before leaving? I’d hardly like to trust to him + alone with it, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” he said, so respectfully that it gave me an odd feeling. “Take + your time, Mr. Ruggles. I don’t know as I am in any hurry on my own + account. It’s only account of Her.” + </p> + <p> + I trust it will be remembered that in reporting this person’s speeches I + am making an earnest effort to set them down word for word in all their + terrific peculiarities. I mean to say, I would not be held accountable for + his phrasing, and if I corrected his speech, as of course the tendency is, + our identities might become confused. I hope this will be understood when + I report him as saying things in ways one doesn’t word them. I mean to say + that it should not be thought that I would say them in this way if it + chanced that I were saying the same things in my proper person. I fancy + this should now be plain. + </p> + <p> + “Very well, sir,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “If it was me,” he went on, “I wouldn’t want you a little bit. But it’s + Her. She’s got her mind made up to do the right thing and have us all be + somebody, and when she makes her mind up——” He hesitated and + studied the ceiling for some seconds. “Believe me,” he continued, “Mrs. + Effie is some wildcat!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir—some wildcat,” I repeated. + </p> + <p> + “Believe <i>me</i>, Bill,” he said again, quaintly addressing me by a name + not my own—“believe me, she’d fight a rattlesnake and give it the + first two bites.” + </p> + <p> + Again let it be recalled that I put down this extraordinary speech exactly + as I heard it. I thought to detect in it that grotesque exaggeration with + which the Americans so distressingly embellish their humour. I mean to + say, it could hardly have been meant in all seriousness. So far as my + researches have extended, the rattlesnake is an invariably poisonous + reptile. Fancy giving one so downright an advantage as the first two + bites, or even one bite, although I believe the thing does not in fact + bite at all, but does one down with its forked tongue, of which there is + an excellent drawing in my little volume, “Inquire Within; 1,000 Useful + Facts.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” I replied, somewhat at a loss; “quite so, sir!” + </p> + <p> + “I just thought I’d wise you up beforehand.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, sir,” I said, for his intention beneath the weird jargon was + somehow benevolent. “And if you’ll be good enough to wait until I have + taken tea to the Honourable George——” + </p> + <p> + “How is the Judge this morning?” he broke in. + </p> + <p> + “The Judge, sir?” I was at a loss, until he gestured toward the room of + the Honourable George. + </p> + <p> + “The Judge, yes. Ain’t he a justice of the peace or something?” + </p> + <p> + “But no, sir; not at all, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Then what do you call him ‘Honourable’ for, if he ain’t a judge or + something?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, it’s done, sir,” I explained, but I fear he was unable to + catch my meaning, for a moment later (the Honourable George, hearing our + voices, had thrown a boot smartly against the door) he was addressing him + as “Judge” and thereafter continued to do so, nor did the Honourable + George seem to make any moment of being thus miscalled. + </p> + <p> + I served the Ceylon tea, together with biscuits and marmalade, the while + our caller chatted nervously. He had, it appeared, procured his own + breakfast while on his way to us. + </p> + <p> + “I got to have my ham and eggs of a morning,” he confided. “But she won’t + let me have anything at that hotel but a continental breakfast, which is + nothing but coffee and toast and some of that there sauce you’re eating. + She says when I’m on the continent I got to eat a continental breakfast, + because that’s the smart thing to do, and not stuff myself like I was on + the ranch; but I got that game beat both ways from the jack. I duck out + every morning before she’s up. I found a place where you can get regular + ham and eggs.” + </p> + <p> + “Regular ham and eggs?” murmured the Honourable George. + </p> + <p> + “French ham and eggs is a joke. They put a slice of boiled ham in a little + dish, slosh a couple of eggs on it, and tuck the dish into the oven a few + minutes. Say, they won’t ever believe that back in Red Gap when I tell it. + But I found this here little place where they do it right, account of + Americans having made trouble so much over the other way. But, mind you, + don’t let on to her,” he warned me suddenly. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly not, sir,” I said. “Trust me to be discreet, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “All right, then. Maybe we’ll get on better than what I thought we would. + I was looking for trouble with you, the way she’s been talking about what + you’d do for me.” + </p> + <p> + “I trust matters will be pleasant, sir,” I replied. + </p> + <p> + “I can be pushed just so far,” he curiously warned me, “and no farther—not + by any man that wears hair.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” I said again, wondering what the wearing of hair might mean to + this process of pushing him, and feeling rather absurdly glad that my own + face is smoothly shaven. + </p> + <p> + “You’ll find Ruggles fairish enough after you’ve got used to his ways,” + put in the Honourable George. + </p> + <p> + “All right, Judge; and remember it wasn’t my doings,” said my new + employer, rising and pulling down to his ears his fearful bowler hat. “And + now we better report to her before she does a hot-foot over here. You can + pack your grip later in the day,” he added to me. + </p> + <p> + “Pack my grip—yes, sir,” I said numbly, for I was on the tick of + leaving the Honourable George helpless in bed. In a voice that I fear was + broken I spoke of clothes for the day’s wear which I had laid out for him + the night before. He waved a hand bravely at us and sank back into his + pillow as my new employer led me forth. There had been barely a glance + between us to betoken the dreadfulness of the moment. + </p> + <p> + At our door I was pleased to note that a taximetre cab awaited us. I had + acutely dreaded a walk through the streets, even of Paris, with my new + employer garbed as he was. The blue satin cravat of itself would have been + bound to insure us more attention than one would care for. + </p> + <p> + I fear we were both somewhat moody during the short ride. Each of us + seemed to have matters of weight to reflect upon. Only upon reaching our + destination did my companion brighten a bit. For a fare of five francs + forty centimes he gave the driver a ten-franc piece and waited for no + change. + </p> + <p> + “I always get around them that way,” he said with an expression of the + brightest cunning. “She used to have the laugh on me because I got so much + counterfeit money handed to me. Now I don’t take any change at all.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” I said. “Quite right, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “There’s more than one way to skin a cat,” he added as we ascended to the + Floud’s drawing-room, though why his mind should have flown to this brutal + sport, if it be a sport, was quite beyond me. At the door he paused and + hissed at me: “Remember, no matter what she says, if you treat me white + I’ll treat you white.” And before I could frame any suitable response to + this puzzling announcement he had opened the door and pushed me in, almost + before I could remove my cap. + </p> + <p> + Seated at the table over coffee and rolls was Mrs. Effie. Her face + brightened as she saw me, then froze to disapproval as her glance rested + upon him I was to know as Cousin Egbert. I saw her capable mouth set in a + straight line of determination. + </p> + <p> + “You did your very worst, didn’t you?” she began. “But sit down and eat + your breakfast. He’ll soon change <i>that</i>.” She turned to me. “Now, + Ruggles, I hope you understand the situation, and I’m sure I can trust you + to take no nonsense from him. You see plainly what you’ve got to do. I let + him dress to suit himself this morning, so that you could know the worst + at once. Take a good look at him—shoes, coat, hat—that + dreadful cravat!” + </p> + <p> + “I call this a right pretty necktie,” mumbled her victim over a crust of + toast. She had poured coffee for him. + </p> + <p> + “You hear that?” she asked me. I bowed sympathetically. + </p> + <p> + “What does he look like?” she insisted. “Just tell him for his own good, + please.” + </p> + <p> + But this I could not do. True enough, during our short ride he had been + reminding me of one of a pair of cross-talk comedians I had once seen in a + music-hall. This, of course, was not a thing one could say. + </p> + <p> + “I dare say, Madam, he could be smartened up a bit. If I might take him to + some good-class shop——” + </p> + <p> + “And burn the things he’s got on——” she broke in. + </p> + <p> + “Not this here necktie,” interrupted Cousin Egbert rather stubbornly. “It + was give to me by Jeff Tuttle’s littlest girl last Christmas; and this + here Prince Albert coat—what’s the matter of it, I’d like to know? + It come right from the One Price Clothing Store at Red Gap, and it’s + plenty good to go to funerals in——” + </p> + <p> + “And then to a barber-shop with him,” went on Mrs. Effie, who had paid no + heed to his outburst. “Get him done right for once.” + </p> + <p> + Her relative continued to nibble nervously at a bit of toast. + </p> + <p> + “I’ve done something with him myself,” she said, watching him narrowly. + “At first he insisted on having the whole bill-of-fare for breakfast, but + I put my foot down, and now he’s satisfied with the continental breakfast. + That goes to show he has something in him, if we can only bring it out.” + </p> + <p> + “Something in him, indeed, yes, Madam!” I assented, and Cousin Egbert, + turning to me, winked heavily. + </p> + <p> + “I want him to look like some one,” she resumed, “and I think you’re the + man can make him if you’re firm with him; but you’ll have to be firm, + because he’s full of tricks. And if he starts any rough stuff, just come + to me.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, Madam,” I said, but I felt I was blushing with shame at hearing + one of my own sex so slanged by a woman. That sort of thing would never do + with us. And yet there was something about this woman—something + weirdly authoritative. She showed rather well in the morning light, her + gray eyes crackling as she talked. She was wearing a most elaborate + peignoir, and of course she should not have worn the diamonds; it seemed + almost too much like the morning hour of a stage favourite; but still one + felt that when she talked one would do well to listen. + </p> + <p> + Hereupon Cousin Egbert startled me once more. + </p> + <p> + “Won’t you set up and have something with us, Mr. Ruggles?” he asked me. + </p> + <p> + I looked away, affecting not to have heard, and could feel Mrs. Effie + scowling at him. He coughed into his cup and sprayed coffee well over + himself. His intention had been obvious in the main, though exactly what + he had meant by “setting up” I couldn’t fancy—as if I had been a + performing poodle! + </p> + <p> + The moment’s embarrassment was well covered by Mrs. Effie, who again + renewed her instructions, and from an escritoire brought me a sheaf of the + pretentiously printed sheets which the French use in place of our + banknotes. + </p> + <p> + “You will spare no expense,” she directed, “and don’t let me see him again + until he looks like some one. Try to have him back here by five. Some very + smart friends of ours are coming for tea.” + </p> + <p> + “I won’t drink tea at that outlandish hour for any one,” said Cousin + Egbert rather snappishly. + </p> + <p> + “You will at least refuse it like a man of the world, I hope,” she replied + icily, and he drooped submissive once more. “You see?” she added to me. + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, Madam,” I said, and resolved to be firm and thorough with + Cousin Egbert. In a way I was put upon my mettle. I swore to make him look + like some one. Moreover, I now saw that his half-veiled threats of + rebellion to me had been pure swank. I had in turn but to threaten to + report him to this woman and he would be as clay in my hands. + </p> + <p> + I presently had him tucked into a closed taxicab, half-heartedly muttering + expostulations and protests to which I paid not the least heed. During my + strolls I had observed in what would have been Regent Street at home a + rather good-class shop with an English name, and to this I now proceeded + with my charge. I am afraid I rather hustled him across the pavement and + into the shop, not knowing what tricks he might be up to, and not until he + was well to the back did I attempt to explain myself to the shop-walker + who had followed us. To him I then gave details of my charge’s escape from + a burning hotel the previous night, which accounted for his extraordinary + garb of the moment, he having been obliged to accept the loan of garments + that neither fitted him nor harmonized with one another. I mean to say, I + did not care to have the chap suspect we would don tan boots, a + frock-coat, and bowler hat except under the most tremendous compulsion. + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert stared at me open mouthed during this recital, but the + shop-walker was only too readily convinced, as indeed who would not have + been, and called an intelligent assistant to relieve our distress. With + his help I swiftly selected an outfit that was not half bad for + ready-to-wear garments. There was a black morning-coat, snug at the waist, + moderately broad at the shoulders, closing with two buttons, its skirt + sharply cut away from the lower button and reaching to the bend of the + knee. The lapels were, of course, soft-rolled and joined the collar with a + triangular notch. It is a coat of immense character when properly worn, + and I was delighted to observe in the trying on that Cousin Egbert filled + it rather smartly. Moreover, he submitted more meekly than I had hoped. + The trousers I selected were of gray cloth, faintly striped, the waistcoat + being of the same material as the coat, relieved at the neck-opening by an + edging of white. + </p> + <p> + With the boots I had rather more trouble, as he refused to wear the patent + leathers that I selected, together with the pearl gray spats, until I + grimly requested the telephone assistant to put me through to the hotel, + desiring to speak to Mrs. Senator Floud. This brought him around, although + muttering, and I had less trouble with shirts, collars, and cravats. I + chose a shirt of white piqué, a wing collar with small, square-cornered + tabs, and a pearl ascot. + </p> + <p> + Then in a cabinet I superintended Cousin Egbert’s change of raiment. We + clashed again in the matter of sock-suspenders, which I was astounded to + observe he did not possess. He insisted that he had never worn them—garters + he called them—and never would if he were shot for it, so I decided + to be content with what I had already gained. + </p> + <p> + By dint of urging and threatening I at length achieved my ground-work and + was more than a little pleased with my effect, as was the shop-assistant, + after I had tied the pearl ascot and adjusted a quiet tie-pin of my own + choosing. + </p> + <p> + “Now I hope you’re satisfied!” growled my charge, seizing his bowler hat + and edging off. + </p> + <p> + “By no means,” I said coldly. “The hat, if you please, sir.” + </p> + <p> + He gave it up rebelliously, and I had again to threaten him with the + telephone before he would submit to a top-hat with a moderate bell and + broad brim. Surveying this in the glass, however, he became perceptibly + reconciled. It was plain that he rather fancied it, though as yet he wore + it consciously and would turn his head slowly and painfully, as if his + neck were stiffened. + </p> + <p> + Having chosen the proper gloves, I was, I repeat, more than pleased with + this severely simple scheme of black, white, and gray. I felt I had been + wise to resist any tendency to colour, even to the most delicate of pastel + tints. My last selection was a smartish Malacca stick, the ideal stick for + town wear, which I thrust into the defenceless hands of my client. + </p> + <p> + “And now, sir,” I said firmly, “it is but a step to a barber’s stop where + English is spoken.” And ruefully he accompanied me. I dare say that by + that time he had discovered that I was not to be trifled with, for during + his hour in the barber’s chair he did not once rebel openly. Only at times + would he roll his eyes to mine in dumb appeal. There was in them something + of the utter confiding helplessness I had noted in the eyes of an old + setter at Chaynes-Wotten when I had been called upon to assist the + undergardener in chloroforming him. I mean to say, the dog had jolly well + known something terrible was being done to him, yet his eyes seemed to say + he knew it must be all for the best and that he trusted us. It was this + look I caught as I gave directions about the trimming of the hair, and + especially when I directed that something radical should be done to the + long, grayish moustache that fell to either side of his chin in the form + of a horseshoe. I myself was puzzled by this difficulty, but the barber + solved it rather neatly, I thought, after a whispered consultation with + me. He snipped a bit off each end and then stoutly waxed the whole affair + until the ends stood stiffly out with distinct military implications. I + shall never forget, and indeed I was not a little touched by the look of + quivering anguish in the eyes of my client when he first beheld this novel + effect. And yet when we were once more in the street I could not but admit + that the change was worth all that it had cost him in suffering. + Strangely, he now looked like some one, especially after I had persuaded + him to a carnation for his buttonhole. I cannot say that his carriage was + all that it should have been, and he was still conscious of his smart + attire, but I nevertheless felt a distinct thrill of pride in my own work, + and was eager to reveal him to Mrs. Effie in his new guise. + </p> + <p> + But first he would have luncheon—dinner he called it—and I was + not averse to this, for I had put in a long and trying morning. I went + with him to the little restaurant where Americans had made so much trouble + about ham and eggs, and there he insisted that I should join him in chops + and potatoes and ale. I thought it only proper then to point out to him + that there was certain differences in our walks of life which should be + more or less denoted by his manner of addressing me. Among other things he + should not address me as Mr. Ruggles, nor was it customary for a valet to + eat at the same table with his master. He seemed much interested in these + distinctions and thereupon addressed me as “Colonel,” which was of course + quite absurd, but this I could not make him see. Thereafter, I may say, + that he called me impartially either “Colonel” or “Bill.” It was a + situation that I had never before been obliged to meet, and I found it + trying in the extreme. He was a chap who seemed ready to pal up with any + one, and I could not but recall the strange assertion I had so often heard + that in America one never knows who is one’s superior. Fancy that! It + would never do with us. I could only determine to be on my guard. + </p> + <p> + Our luncheon done, he consented to accompany me to the hotel of the + Honourable George, whence I wished to remove my belongings. I should have + preferred to go alone, but I was too fearful of what he might do to + himself or his clothes in my absence. + </p> + <p> + We found the Honourable George still in bed, as I had feared. He had, it + seemed, been unable to discover his collar studs, which, though I had + placed them in a fresh shirt for him, he had carelessly covered with a + blanket. Begging Cousin Egbert to be seated in my room, I did a few of the + more obvious things required by my late master. + </p> + <p> + “You’d leave me here like a rat in a trap,” he said reproachfully, which I + thought almost quite a little unjust. I mean to say, it had all been his + own doing, he having lost me in the game of drawing poker, so why should + he row me about it now? I silently laid out the shirt once more. + </p> + <p> + “You might have told me where I’m to find my brown tweeds and the body + linen.” + </p> + <p> + Again he was addressing me as if I had voluntarily left him without + notice, but I observed that he was still mildly speckled from the night + before, so I handed him the fruit-lozenges, and went to pack my own box. + Cousin Egbert I found sitting as I had left him, on the edge of a chair, + carefully holding his hat, stick, and gloves, and staring into the wall. + He had promised me faithfully not to fumble with his cravat, and evidently + he had not once stirred. I packed my box swiftly—my “grip,” as he + called it—and we were presently off once more, without another sight + of the Honourable George, who was to join us at tea. I could hear him + moving about, using rather ultra-frightful language, but I lacked heart + for further speech with him at the moment. + </p> + <p> + An hour later, in the Floud drawing-room, I had the supreme satisfaction + of displaying to Mrs. Effie the happy changes I had been able to effect in + my charge. Posing him, I knocked at the door of her chamber. She came at + once and drew a long breath as she surveyed him, from varnished boots, + spats, and coat to top-hat, which he still wore. He leaned rather well on + his stick, the hand to his hip, the elbow out, while the other hand + lightly held his gloves. A moment she looked, then gave a low cry of + wonder and delight, so that I felt repaid for my trouble. Indeed, as she + faced me to thank me I could see that her eyes were dimmed. + </p> + <p> + “Wonderful!” she exclaimed. “Now he looks like some one!” And I distinctly + perceived that only just in time did she repress an impulse to grasp me by + the hand. Under the circumstances I am not sure that I wouldn’t have + overlooked the lapse had she yielded to it. “Wonderful!” she said again. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “WONDERFUL! NOW HE LOOKS LIKE SOME ONE”} + </p> + <p> + Hereupon Cousin Egbert, much embarrassed, leaned his stick against the + wall; the stick fell, and in reaching down for it his hat fell, and in + reaching for that he dropped his gloves; but I soon restored him to order + and he was safely seated where he might be studied in further detail, + especially as to his moustaches, which I had considered rather the supreme + touch. + </p> + <p> + “He looks exactly like some well-known clubman,” exclaimed Mrs. Effie. + </p> + <p> + Her relative growled as if he were quite ready to savage her. + </p> + <p> + “Like a man about town,” she murmured. “Who would have thought he had it + in him until you brought it out?” I knew then that we two should + understand each other. + </p> + <p> + The slight tension was here relieved by two of the hotel servants who + brought tea things. At a nod from Mrs. Effie I directed the laying out of + these. + </p> + <p> + At that moment came the other Floud, he of the eyebrows, and a cousin cub + called Elmer, who, I understood, studied art. I became aware that they + were both suddenly engaged and silenced by the sight of Cousin Egbert. I + caught their amazed stares, and then terrifically they broke into gales of + laughter. The cub threw himself on a couch, waving his feet in the air, + and holding his middle as if he’d suffered a sudden acute dyspepsia, while + the elder threw his head back and shrieked hysterically. Cousin Egbert + merely glared at them and, endeavouring to stroke his moustache, succeeded + in unwaxing one side of it so that it once more hung limply down his chin, + whereat they renewed their boorishness. The elder Floud was now quite + dangerously purple, and the cub on the couch was shrieking: “No matter how + dark the clouds, remember she is still your stepmother,” or words to some + such silly effect as that. How it might have ended I hardly dare + conjecture—perhaps Cousin Egbert would presently have roughed them—but + a knock sounded, and it became my duty to open our door upon other guests, + women mostly; Americans in Paris; that sort of thing. + </p> + <p> + I served the tea amid their babble. The Honourable George was shown up a + bit later, having done to himself quite all I thought he might in the + matter of dress. In spite of serious discrepancies in his attire, however, + I saw that Mrs. Effie meant to lionize him tremendously. With vast + ceremony he was presented to her guests—the Honourable George + Augustus Vane-Basingwell, brother of his lordship the Earl of Brinstead. + The women fluttered about him rather, though he behaved moodily, and at + the first opportunity fell to the tea and cakes quite wholeheartedly. + </p> + <p> + In spite of my aversion to the American wilderness, I felt a bit of + professional pride in reflecting that my first day in this new service was + about to end so auspiciously. Yet even in that moment, being as yet + unfamiliar with the room’s lesser furniture, I stumbled slightly against a + hassock hid from me by the tray I carried. A cup of tea was lost, though + my recovery was quick. Too late I observed that the hitherto self-effacing + Cousin Egbert was in range of my clumsiness. + </p> + <p> + “There goes tea all over my new pants!” he said in a high, pained voice. + </p> + <p> + “Sorry, indeed, sir,” said I, a ready napkin in hand. “Let me dry it, + sir!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir, I fancy quite so, sir,” said he. + </p> + <p> + I most truly would have liked to shake him smartly for this. I saw that my + work was cut out for me among these Americans, from whom at their best one + expects so little. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER THREE + </h2> + <p> + As I brisked out of bed the following morning at half-after six, I could + not but wonder rather nervously what the day might have in store for me. I + was obliged to admit that what I was in for looked a bit thick. As I + opened my door I heard stealthy footsteps down the hall and looked out in + time to observe Cousin Egbert entering his own room. It was not this that + startled me. He would have been abroad, I knew, for the ham and eggs that + were forbidden him. Yet I stood aghast, for with the lounge-suit of tweeds + I had selected the day before he had worn his top-hat! I am aware that + these things I relate of him may not be credited. I can only put them down + in all sincerity. + </p> + <p> + I hastened to him and removed the thing from his head. I fear it was not + with the utmost deference, for I have my human moments. + </p> + <p> + “It’s not done, sir,” I protested. He saw that I was offended. + </p> + <p> + “All right, sir,” he replied meekly. “But how was I to know? I thought it + kind of set me off.” He referred to it as a “stove-pipe” hat. I knew then + that I should find myself overlooking many things in him. He was not a + person one could be stern with, and I even promised that Mrs. Effie should + not be told of his offence, he promising in turn never again to stir + abroad without first submitting himself to me and agreeing also to wear + sock-suspenders from that day forth. I saw, indeed, that diplomacy might + work wonders with him. + </p> + <p> + At breakfast in the drawing-room, during which Cousin Egbert earned warm + praise from Mrs. Effie for his lack of appetite (he winking violently at + me during this), I learned that I should be expected to accompany him to a + certain art gallery which corresponds to our British Museum. I was a bit + surprised, indeed, to learn that he largely spent his days there, and was + accustomed to make notes of the various objects of interest. + </p> + <p> + “I insisted,” explained Mrs. Effie, “that he should absorb all the culture + he could on his trip abroad, so I got him a notebook in which he puts down + his impressions, and I must say he’s done fine. Some of his remarks are so + good that when he gets home I may have him read a paper before our Onwards + and Upwards Club.” + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert wriggled modestly at this and said: “Shucks!” which I took + to be a term of deprecation. + </p> + <p> + “You needn’t pretend,” said Mrs. Effie. “Just let Ruggles here look over + some of the notes you have made,” and she handed me a notebook of ruled + paper in which there was a deal of writing. I glanced, as bidden, at one + or two of the paragraphs, and confess that I, too, was amazed at the + fluency and insight displayed along lines in which I should have thought + the man entirely uninformed. “This choice work represents the first or + formative period of the Master,” began one note, “but distinctly + foreshadows that later method which made him at once the hope and despair + of his contemporaries. In the ‘Portrait of the Artist by Himself’ we have + a canvas that well repays patient study, since here is displayed in its + full flower that ruthless realism, happily attenuated by a superbly subtle + delicacy of brush work——” It was really quite amazing, and I + perceived for the first time that Cousin Egbert must be “a diamond in the + rough,” as the well-known saying has it. I felt, indeed, that I would be + very pleased to accompany him on one of his instructive strolls through + this gallery, for I have always been of a studious habit and anxious to + improve myself in the fine arts. + </p> + <p> + “You see?” asked Mrs. Effie, when I had perused this fragment. “And yet + folks back home would tell you that he’s just a——” Cousin + Egbert here coughed alarmingly. “No matter,” she continued. “He’ll show + them that he’s got something in him, mark my words.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, Madam,” I said, “and I shall consider it a privilege to be + present when he further prosecutes his art studies.” + </p> + <p> + “You may keep him out till dinner-time,” she continued. “I’m shopping this + morning, and in the afternoon I shall motor to have tea in the Boy with + the Senator and Mr. Nevil Vane-Basingwell.” + </p> + <p> + Presently, then, my charge and I set out for what I hoped was to be a + peaceful and instructive day among objects of art, though first I was + obliged to escort him to a hatter’s and glover’s to remedy some minor + discrepancies in his attire. He was very pleased when I permitted him to + select his own hat. I was safe in this, as the shop was really artists in + gentlemen’s headwear, and carried only shapes, I observed, that were + confined to exclusive firms so as to insure their being worn by the right + set. As to gloves and a stick, he was again rather pettish and had to be + set right with some firmness. He declared he had lost his stick and gloves + of the previous day. I discovered later that he had presented them to the + lift attendant. But I soon convinced him that he would not be let to + appear without these adjuncts to a gentleman’s toilet. + </p> + <p> + Then, having once more stood by at the barber’s while he was shaved and + his moustaches firmly waxed anew, I saw that he was fit at last for his + art studies. The barber this day suggested curling the moustaches with a + heated iron, but at this my charge fell into so unseemly a rage that I + deemed it wise not to insist. He, indeed, bluntly threatened a nameless + violence to the barber if he were so much as touched with the iron, and + revealed an altogether shocking gift for profanity, saying loudly: “I’ll + be—dashed—if you will!” I mean to say, I have written “dashed” + for what he actually said. But at length I had him once more quieted. + </p> + <p> + “Now, sir,” I said, when I had got him from the barber’s shop, to the + barber’s manifest relief: “I fancy we’ve time to do a few objects of art + before luncheon. I’ve the book here for your comments,” I added. + </p> + <p> + “Quite so,” he replied, and led me at a rapid pace along the street in + what I presumed was the direction of the art museum. At the end of a few + blocks he paused at one of those open-air public houses that disgracefully + line the streets of the French capital. I mean to say that chairs and + tables are set out upon the pavement in the most brazen manner and + occupied by the populace, who there drink their silly beverages and idle + away their time. After scanning the score or so of persons present, even + at so early an hour as ten of the morning, he fell into one of the iron + chairs at one of the iron tables and motioned me to another at his side. + </p> + <p> + When I had seated myself he said “Beer” to the waiter who appeared, and + held up two fingers. + </p> + <p> + “Now, look at here,” he resumed to me, “this is a good place to do about + four pages of art, and then we can go out and have some recreation + somewhere.” Seeing that I was puzzled, he added: “This way—you take + that notebook and write in it out of this here other book till I think + you’ve done enough, then I’ll tell you to stop.” And while I was still + bewildered, he drew from an inner pocket a small, well-thumbed volume + which I took from him and saw to be entitled “One Hundred Masterpieces of + the Louvre.” + </p> + <p> + “Open her about the middle,” he directed, “and pick out something that + begins good, like ‘Here the true art-lover will stand entranced——’ + You got to write it, because I guess you can write faster than what I can. + I’ll tell her I dictated to you. Get a hustle on now, so’s we can get + through. Write down about four pages of that stuff.” + </p> + <p> + Stunned I was for a moment at his audacity. Too plainly I saw through his + deception. Each day, doubtless, he had come to a low place of this sort + and copied into the notebook from the printed volume. + </p> + <p> + “But, sir,” I protested, “why not at least go to the gallery where these + art objects are stored? Copy the notes there if that must be done.” + </p> + <p> + “I don’t know where the darned place is,” he confessed. “I did start for + it the first day, but I run into a Punch and Judy show in a little park, + and I just couldn’t get away from it, it was so comical, with all the + French kids hollering their heads off at it. Anyway, what’s the use? I’d + rather set here in front of this saloon, where everything is nice.” + </p> + <p> + “It’s very extraordinary, sir,” I said, wondering if I oughtn’t to cut off + to the hotel and warn Mrs. Effie so that she might do a heated foot to + him, as he had once expressed it. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I guess I’ve got my rights as well as anybody,” he insisted. “I’ll + be pushed just so far and no farther, not if I never get any more cultured + than a jack-rabbit. And now you better go on and write or I’ll be—dashed—if + I’ll ever wear another thing you tell me to.” + </p> + <p> + He had a most bitter and dangerous expression on his face, so I thought + best to humour him once more. Accordingly I set about writing in his + notebook from the volume of criticism he had supplied. + </p> + <p> + “Change a word now and then and skip around here and there,” he suggested + as I wrote, “so’s it’ll sound more like me.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, sir,” I said, and continued to transcribe from the printed + page. I was beginning the fifth page in the notebook, being in the midst + of an enthusiastic description of the bit of statuary entitled “The Winged + Victory,” when I was startled by a wild yell in my ear. Cousin Egbert had + leaped to his feet and now danced in the middle of the pavement, waving + his stick and hat high in the air and shouting incoherently. At once we + attracted the most undesirable attention from the loungers about us, the + waiters and the passers-by in the street, many of whom stopped at once to + survey my charge with the liveliest interest. It was then I saw that he + had merely wished to attract the attention of some one passing in a cab. + Half a block down the boulevard I saw a man likewise waving excitedly, + standing erect in the cab to do so. The cab thereupon turned sharply, came + back on the opposite side of the street, crossed over to us, and the + occupant alighted. + </p> + <p> + He was an American, as one might have fancied from his behaviour, a tall, + dark-skinned person, wearing a drooping moustache after the former style + of Cousin Egbert, supplemented by an imperial. He wore a loose-fitting + suit of black which had evidently received no proper attention from the + day he purchased it. Under a folded collar he wore a narrow cravat tied in + a bowknot, and in the bosom of his white shirt there sparkled a diamond + such as might have come from a collection of crown-jewels. This much I had + time to notice as he neared us. Cousin Egbert had not ceased to shout, nor + had he paid the least attention to my tugs at his coat. When the cab’s + occupant descended to the pavement they fell upon each other and did for + some moments a wild dance such as I imagine they might have seen the red + Indians of western America perform. Most savagely they punched each other, + calling out in the meantime: “Well, old horse!” and “Who’d ever expected + to see you here, darn your old skin!” (Their actual phrases, be it + remembered.) + </p> + <p> + The crowd, I was glad to note, fell rapidly away, many of them shrugging + their shoulders in a way the French have, and even the waiters about us + quickly lost interest in the pair, as if they were hardened to the sight + of Americans greeting one another. The two were still saying: “Well! + well!” rather breathlessly, but had become a bit more coherent. + </p> + <p> + “Jeff Tuttle, you—dashed—old long-horn!” exclaimed Cousin + Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Good old Sour-dough!” exploded the other. “Ain’t this just like old home + week!” + </p> + <p> + “I thought mebbe you wouldn’t know me with all my beadwork and my new + war-bonnet on,” continued Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Know you, why, you knock-kneed old Siwash, I could pick out your hide in + a tanyard!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, well, well!” replied Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Well, well, well!” said the other, and again they dealt each other smart + blows. + </p> + <p> + “Where’d you turn up from?” demanded Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Europe,” said the other. “We been all over Europe and Italy—just + come from some place up over the divide where they talk Dutch, the Madam + and the two girls and me, with the Reverend Timmins and his wife riding + line on us. Say, he’s an out-and-out devil for cathedrals—it’s just + one church after another with him—Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, + Lutheran, takes ‘em all in—never overlooks a bet. He’s got Addie and + the girls out now. My gosh! it’s solemn work! Me? I ducked out this + morning.” + </p> + <p> + “How’d you do it?” + </p> + <p> + “Told the little woman I had to have a tooth pulled—I was working it + up on the train all day yesterday. Say, what you all rigged out like that + for, Sour-dough, and what you done to your face?” + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert here turned to me in some embarrassment. “Colonel Ruggles, + shake hands with my friend Jeff Tuttle from the State of Washington.” + </p> + <p> + “Pleased to meet you, Colonel,” said the other before I could explain that + I had no military title whatever, never having, in fact, served our King, + even in the ranks. He shook my hand warmly. + </p> + <p> + “Any friend of Sour-dough Floud’s is all right with me,” he assured me. + “What’s the matter with having a drink?” + </p> + <p> + “Say, listen here! I wouldn’t have to be blinded and backed into it,” said + Cousin Egbert, enigmatically, I thought, but as they sat down I, too, + seated myself. Something within me had sounded a warning. As well as I + know it now I knew then in my inmost soul that I should summon Mrs. Effie + before matters went farther. + </p> + <p> + “Beer is all I know how to say,” suggested Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Leave that to me,” said his new friend masterfully. “Where’s the boy? + Here, boy! Veesky-soda! That’s French for high-ball,” he explained. “I’ve + had to pick up a lot of their lingo.” + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert looked at him admiringly. “Good old Jeff!” he said simply. + He glanced aside to me for a second with downright hostility, then turned + back to his friend. “Something tells me, Jeff, that this is going to be + the first happy day I’ve had since I crossed the state line. I’ve been + pestered to death, Jeff—what with Mrs. Effie after me to improve + myself so’s I can be a social credit to her back in Red Gap, and learn to + wear clothes and go without my breakfast and attend art galleries. If + you’d stand by me I’d throw her down good and hard right now, but you know + what she is——” + </p> + <p> + “I sure do,” put in Mr. Tuttle so fervently that I knew he spoke the + truth. “That woman can bite through nails. But here’s your drink, + Sour-dough. Maybe it will cheer you up.” + </p> + <p> + Extraordinary! I mean to say, biting through nails. + </p> + <p> + “Three rousing cheers!” exclaimed Cousin Egbert with more animation than I + had ever known him display. + </p> + <p> + “Here’s looking at you, Colonel,” said his friend to me, whereupon I + partook of the drink, not wishing to offend him. Decidedly he was not + vogue. His hat was remarkable, being of a black felt with high crown and a + wide and flopping brim. Across his waistcoat was a watch-chain of heavy + links, with a weighty charm consisting of a sculptured gold horse in full + gallop. That sort of thing would never do with us. + </p> + <p> + “Here, George,” he immediately called to the waiter, for they had quickly + drained their glasses, “tell the bartender three more. By gosh! but that’s + good, after the way I’ve been held down.” + </p> + <p> + “Me, too,” said Cousin Egbert. “I didn’t know how to say it in French.” + </p> + <p> + “The Reverend held me down,” continued the Tuttle person. “‘A glass of + native wine,’ he says, ‘may perhaps be taken now and then without harm.’ + ‘Well,’ I says, ‘leave us have ales, wines, liquors, and cigars,’ I says, + but not him. I’d get a thimbleful of elderberry wine or something about + every second Friday, except when I’d duck out the side door of a church + and find some caffy. Here, George, foomer, foomer—bring us some + seegars, and then stay on that spot—I may want you.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, well!” said Cousin Egbert again, as if the meeting were still + incredible. + </p> + <p> + “You old stinging-lizard!” responded the other affectionately. The cigars + were brought and I felt constrained to light one. + </p> + <p> + “The State of Washington needn’t ever get nervous over the prospect of + losing me,” said the Tuttle person, biting off the end of his cigar. + </p> + <p> + I gathered at once that the Americans have actually named one of our + colonies “Washington” after the rebel George Washington, though one would + have thought that the indelicacy of this would have been only too + apparent. But, then, I recalled, as well, the city where their so-called + parliament assembles, Washington, D. C. Doubtless the initials indicate + that it was named in “honour” of another member of this notorious family. + I could not but reflect how shocked our King would be to learn of this + effrontery. + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert, who had been for some moments moving his lips without + sound, here spoke: + </p> + <p> + “I’m going to try it myself,” he said. “Here, Charley, veesky-soda! He + made me right off,” he continued as the waiter disappeared. “Say, Jeff, I + bet I could have learned a lot of this language if I’d had some one like + you around.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, it took me some time to get the accent,” replied the other with a + modesty which I could detect was assumed. More acutely than ever was I + conscious of a psychic warning to separate these two, and I resolved to + act upon it with the utmost diplomacy. The third whiskey and soda was + served us. + </p> + <p> + “Three rousing cheers!” said Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Here’s looking at you!” said the other, and I drank. When my glass was + drained I arose briskly and said: + </p> + <p> + “I think we should be getting along now, sir, if Mr. Tuttle will be good + enough to excuse us.” They both stared at me. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir—I fancy not, sir,” said Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Stop your kidding, you fat rascal!” said the other. + </p> + <p> + “Old Bill means all right,” said Cousin Egbert, “so don’t let him irritate + you. Bill’s our new hired man. He’s all right—just let him talk + along.” + </p> + <p> + “Can’t he talk setting down?” asked the other. “Does he have to stand up + every time he talks? Ain’t that a good chair?” he demanded of me. “Here, + take mine,” and to my great embarrassment he arose and offered me his + chair in such a manner that I felt moved to accept it. Thereupon he took + the chair I had vacated and beamed upon us, “Now that we’re all + home-folks, together once more, I would suggest a bit of refreshment. Boy, + veesky-soda!” + </p> + <p> + “I fancy so, sir,” said Cousin Egbert, dreamily contemplating me as the + order was served. I was conscious even then that he seemed to be studying + my attire with a critical eye, and indeed he remarked as if to himself: + “What a coat!” I was rather shocked by this, for my suit was quite a + decent lounge-suit that had become too snug for the Honourable George some + two years before. Yet something warned me to ignore the comment. + </p> + <p> + “Three rousing cheers!” he said as the drink was served. + </p> + <p> + “Here’s looking at you!” said the Tuttle person. + </p> + <p> + And again I drank with them, against my better judgment, wondering if I + might escape long enough to be put through to Mrs. Floud on the telephone. + Too plainly the situation was rapidly getting out of hand, and yet I + hesitated. The Tuttle person under an exterior geniality was rather + abrupt. And, moreover, I now recalled having observed a person much like + him in manner and attire in a certain cinema drama of the far Wild West. + He had been a constable or sheriff in the piece and had subdued a band of + armed border ruffians with only a small pocket pistol. I thought it as + well not to cross him. + </p> + <p> + When they had drunk, each one again said, “Well! well!” + </p> + <p> + “You old maverick!” said Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “You—dashed—old horned toad!” responded his friend. + </p> + <p> + “What’s the matter with a little snack?” + </p> + <p> + “Not a thing on earth. My appetite ain’t been so powerful craving since + Heck was a pup.” + </p> + <p> + These were their actual words, though it may not be believed. The Tuttle + person now approached his cabman, who had waited beside the curb. + </p> + <p> + “Say, Frank,” he began, “Ally restorong,” and this he supplemented with a + crude but informing pantomime of one eating. Cousin Egbert was already + seated in the cab, and I could do nothing but follow. “Ally restorong!” + commanded our new friend in a louder tone, and the cabman with an + explosion of understanding drove rapidly off. + </p> + <p> + “It’s a genuine wonder to me how you learned the language so quick,” said + Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “It’s all in the accent,” protested the other. I occupied a narrow seat in + the front. Facing me in the back seat, they lolled easily and smoked their + cigars. Down the thronged boulevard we proceeded at a rapid pace and were + passing presently before an immense gray edifice which I recognized as the + so-called Louvre from its illustration on the cover of Cousin Egbert’s art + book. He himself regarded it with interest, though I fancy he did not + recognize it, for, waving his cigar toward it, he announced to his friend: + </p> + <p> + “The Public Library.” His friend surveyed the building with every sign of + approval. + </p> + <p> + “That Carnegie is a hot sport, all right,” he declared warmly. “I’ll bet + that shack set him back some.” + </p> + <p> + “Three rousing cheers!” said Cousin Egbert, without point that I could + detect. + </p> + <p> + We now crossed their Thames over what would have been Westminster Bridge, + I fancy, and were presently bowling through a sort of Battersea part of + the city. The streets grew quite narrow and the shops smaller, and I found + myself wondering not without alarm what sort of restaurant our abrupt + friend had chosen. + </p> + <p> + “Three rousing cheers!” said Cousin Egbert from time to time, with almost + childish delight. + </p> + <p> + Debouching from a narrow street again into what the French term a + boulevard, we halted before what was indeed a restaurant, for several + tables were laid on the pavement before the door, but I saw at once that + it was anything but a nice place. “Au Rendezvous des Cochers Fideles,” + read the announcement on the flap of the awning, and truly enough it was a + low resort frequented by cabbies—“The meeting-place of faithful + coachmen.” Along the curb half a score of horses were eating from their + bags, while their drivers lounged before the place, eating, drinking, and + conversing excitedly in their grotesque jargon. + </p> + <p> + We descended, in spite of the repellent aspect of the place, and our + driver went to the foot of the line, where he fed his own horse. Cousin + Egbert, already at one of the open-air tables, was rapping smartly for a + waiter. + </p> + <p> + “What’s the matter with having just one little one before grub?” asked the + Tuttle person as we joined him. He had a most curious fashion of speech. I + mean to say, when he suggested anything whatsoever he invariably wished to + know what might be the matter with it. + </p> + <p> + “Veesky-soda!” demanded Cousin Egbert of the serving person who now + appeared, “and ask your driver to have one,” he then urged his friend. + </p> + <p> + The latter hereupon addressed the cabman who had now come up. + </p> + <p> + “Vooley-voos take something!” he demanded, and the cabman appeared to + accept. + </p> + <p> + “Vooley-voos your friends take something, too?” he demanded further, with + a gesture that embraced all the cabmen present, and these, too, appeared + to accept with the utmost cordiality. + </p> + <p> + “You’re a wonder, Jeff,” said Cousin Egbert. “You talk it like a + professor.” + </p> + <p> + “It come natural to me,” said the fellow, “and it’s a good thing, too. If + you know a little French you can go all over Europe without a bit of + trouble.” + </p> + <p> + Inside the place was all activity, for many cabmen were now accepting the + proffered hospitality, and calling “votry santy!” to their host, who + seemed much pleased. Then to my amazement Cousin Egbert insisted that our + cabman should sit at table with us. I trust I have as little foolish pride + as most people, but this did seem like crowding it on a bit thick. In + fact, it looked rather dicky. I was glad to remember that we were in what + seemed to be the foreign quarter of the town, where it was probable that + no one would recognize us. The drink came, though our cabman refused the + whiskey and secured a bottle of native wine. + </p> + <p> + “Three rousing cheers!” said Cousin Egbert as we drank once more, and + added as an afterthought, “What a beautiful world we live in!” + </p> + <p> + “Vooley-voos make-um bring dinner!” said the Tuttle person to the cabman, + who thereupon spoke at length in his native tongue to the waiter. By this + means we secured a soup that was not half bad and presently a stew of + mutton which Cousin Egbert declared was “some goo.” To my astonishment I + ate heartily, even in such raffish surroundings. In fact, I found myself + pigging it with the rest of them. With coffee, cigars were brought from + the tobacconist’s next-door, each cabman present accepting one. Our own + man was plainly feeling a vast pride in his party, and now circulated + among his fellows with an account of our merits. + </p> + <p> + “This is what I call life,” said the Tuttle person, leaning back in his + chair. + </p> + <p> + “I’m coming right back here every day,” declared Cousin Egbert happily. + </p> + <p> + “What’s the matter with a little drive to see some well-known objects of + interest?” inquired his friend. + </p> + <p> + “Not art galleries,” insisted Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “And not churches,” said his friend. “Every day’s been Sunday with me long + enough.” + </p> + <p> + “And not clothing stores,” said Cousin Egbert firmly. “The Colonel here is + awful fussy about my clothes,” he added. + </p> + <p> + “Is, heh?” inquired his friend. “How do you like this hat of mine?” he + asked, turning to me. It was that sudden I nearly fluffed the catch, but + recovered myself in time. + </p> + <p> + “I should consider it a hat of sound wearing properties, sir,” I said. + </p> + <p> + He took it off, examined it carefully, and replaced it. + </p> + <p> + “So far, so good,” he said gravely. “But why be fussy about clothes when + God has given you only one life to live?” + </p> + <p> + “Don’t argue about religion,” warned Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “I always like to see people well dressed, sir,” I said, “because it makes + such a difference in their appearance.” + </p> + <p> + He slapped his thigh fiercely. “My gosh! that’s true. He’s got you there, + Sour-dough. I never thought of that.” + </p> + <p> + “He makes me wear these chest-protectors on my ankles,” said Cousin Egbert + bitterly, extending one foot. + </p> + <p> + “What’s the matter of taking a little drive to see some well-known objects + of interest?” said his friend. + </p> + <p> + “Not art galleries,” said Cousin Egbert firmly. + </p> + <p> + “We said that before—and not churches.” + </p> + <p> + “And not gents’ furnishing goods.” + </p> + <p> + “You said that before.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you said not churches before.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, what’s the matter with taking a little drive?” + </p> + <p> + “Not art galleries,” insisted Cousin Egbert. The thing seemed + interminable. I mean to say, they went about the circle as before. It + looked to me as if they were having a bit of a spree. + </p> + <p> + “We’ll have one last drink,” said the Tuttle person. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Cousin Egbert firmly, “not another drop. Don’t you see the + condition poor Bill here is in?” To my amazement he was referring to me. + Candidly, he was attempting to convey the impression that I had taken a + drop too much. The other regarded me intently. + </p> + <p> + “Pickled,” he said. + </p> + <p> + “Always affects him that way,” said Cousin Egbert. “He’s got no head for + it.” + </p> + <p> + “Beg pardon, sir,” I said, wishing to explain, but this I was not let to + do. + </p> + <p> + “Don’t start anything like that here,” broke in the Tuttle person, “the + police wouldn’t stand for it. Just keep quiet and remember you’re among + friends.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir; quite so, sir,” said I, being somewhat puzzled by these strange + words. “I was merely——” + </p> + <p> + “Look out, Jeff,” warned Cousin Egbert, interrupting me; “he’s a devil + when he starts.” + </p> + <p> + “Have you got a knife?” demanded the other suddenly. + </p> + <p> + “I fancy so, sir,” I answered, and produced from my waistcoat pocket the + small metal-handled affair I have long carried. This he quickly seized + from me. + </p> + <p> + “You can keep your gun,” he remarked, “but you can’t be trusted with this + in your condition. I ain’t afraid of a gun, but I am afraid of a knife. + You could have backed me off the board any time with this knife.” + </p> + <p> + “Didn’t I tell you?” asked Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Beg pardon, sir,” I began, for this was drawing it quite too thick, but + again he interrupted me. + </p> + <p> + “We’d better get him away from this place right off,” he said. + </p> + <p> + “A drive in the fresh air might fix him,” suggested Cousin Egbert. “He’s + as good a scout as you want to know when he’s himself.” Hereupon, calling + our waiting cabman, they both, to my embarrassment, assisted me to the + vehicle. + </p> + <p> + “Ally caffy!” directed the Tuttle person, and we were driven off, to the + raised hats of the remaining cabmen, through many long, quiet streets. + </p> + <p> + “I wouldn’t have had this happen for anything,” said Cousin Egbert, + indicating me. + </p> + <p> + “Lucky I got that knife away from him,” said the other. + </p> + <p> + To this I thought it best to remain silent, it being plain that the men + were both well along, so to say. + </p> + <p> + The cab now approached an open square from which issued discordant blasts + of music. One glance showed it to be a street fair. I prayed that we might + pass it, but my companions hailed it with delight and at once halted the + cabby. + </p> + <p> + “Ally caffy on the corner,” directed the Tuttle person, and once more we + were seated at an iron table with whiskey and soda ordered. Before us was + the street fair in all its silly activity. There were many tinselled + booths at which games of chance or marksmanship were played, or at which + articles of ornament or household decoration were displayed for sale, and + about these were throngs of low-class French idling away their afternoon + in that mad pursuit of pleasure which is so characteristic of this race. + In the centre of the place was a carrousel from which came the blare of a + steam orchestrion playing the “Marseillaise,” one of their popular songs. + From where I sat I could perceive the circle of gaudily painted beasts + that revolved about this musical atrocity. A fashion of horses seemed to + predominate, but there was also an ostrich (a bearded Frenchman being + astride this bird for the moment), a zebra, a lion, and a gaudily + emblazoned giraffe. I shuddered as I thought of the evil possibilities + that might be suggested to my two companions by this affair. For the + moment I was pleased to note that they had forgotten my supposed + indisposition, yet another equally absurd complication ensued when the + drink arrived. + </p> + <p> + “Say, don’t your friend ever loosen up?” asked the Tuttle person of Cousin + Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Tighter than Dick’s hatband,” replied the latter. + </p> + <p> + “And then some! He ain’t bought once. Say, Bo,” he continued to me as I + was striving to divine the drift of these comments, “have I got my fingers + crossed or not?” + </p> + <p> + Seeing that he held one hand behind him I thought to humour him by saying, + “I fancy so, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “He means ‘yes,’” said Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + The other held his hand before me with the first two fingers spread wide + apart. “You lost,” he said. “How’s that, Sour-dough? We stuck him the + first rattle out of the box.” + </p> + <p> + “Good work,” said Cousin Egbert. “You’re stuck for this round,” he added + to me. “Three rousing cheers!” + </p> + <p> + I readily perceived that they meant me to pay the score, which I + accordingly did, though I at once suspected the fairness of the game. I + mean to say, if my opponent had been a trickster he could easily have + rearranged his fingers to defeat me before displaying them. I do not say + it was done in this instance. I am merely pointing out that it left open a + way to trickery. I mean to say, one would wish to be assured of his + opponent’s social standing before playing this game extensively. + </p> + <p> + No sooner had we finished the drink than the Tuttle person said to me: + </p> + <p> + “I’ll give you one chance to get even. I’ll guess your fingers this time.” + Accordingly I put one hand behind me and firmly crossed the fingers, + fancying that he would guess them to be uncrossed. Instead of which he + called out “Crossed,” and I was obliged to show them in that wise, though, + as before pointed out, I could easily have defeated him by uncrossing them + before revealing my hand. I mean to say, it is not on the face of it a + game one would care to play with casual acquaintances, and I questioned + even then in my own mind its prevalence in the States. (As a matter of + fact, I may say that in my later life in the States I could find no trace + of it, and now believe it to have been a pure invention on the part of the + Tuttle person. I mean to say, I later became convinced that it was, + properly speaking, not a game at all.) + </p> + <p> + Again they were hugely delighted at my loss and rapped smartly on the + table for more drink, and now to my embarrassment I discovered that I + lacked the money to pay for this “round” as they would call it. + </p> + <p> + “Beg pardon, sir,” said I discreetly to Cousin Egbert, “but if you could + let me have a bit of change, a half-crown or so——” To my + surprise he regarded me coldly and shook his head emphatically in the + negative. + </p> + <p> + “Not me,” he said; “I’ve been had too often. You’re a good smooth talker + and you may be all right, but I can’t take a chance at my time of life.” + </p> + <p> + “What’s he want now?” asked the other. + </p> + <p> + “The old story,” said Cousin Egbert: “come off and left his purse on the + hatrack or out in the woodshed some place.” This was the height of + absurdity, for I had said nothing of the sort. + </p> + <p> + “I was looking for something like that,” said the other “I never make a + mistake in faces. You got a watch there haven’t you?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” I said, and laid on the table my silver English half-hunter + with Albert. They both fell to examining this with interest, and presently + the Tuttle person spoke up excitedly: + </p> + <p> + “Well, darn my skin if he ain’t got a genuine double Gazottz. How did you + come by this, my man?” he demanded sharply. + </p> + <p> + “It came from my brother-in-law, sir,” I explained, “six years ago as + security for a trifling loan.” + </p> + <p> + “He sounds honest enough,” said the Tuttle person to Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, but maybe it ain’t a regular double Gazottz,” said the latter. “The + market is flooded with imitations.” + </p> + <p> + “No, sir, I can’t be fooled on them boys,” insisted the other. “Blindfold + me and I could pick a double Gazottz out every time. I’m going to take a + chance on it, anyway.” Whereupon the fellow pocketed my watch and from his + wallet passed me a note of the so-called French money which I was + astounded to observe was for the equivalent of four pounds, or one hundred + francs, as the French will have it. “I’ll advance that much on it,” he + said, “but don’t ask for another cent until I’ve had it thoroughly gone + over by a plumber. It may have moths in it.” + </p> + <p> + It seemed to me that the chap was quite off his head, for the watch was + worth not more than ten shillings at the most, though what a double + Gazottz might be I could not guess. However, I saw it would be wise to + appear to accept the loan, and tendered the note in payment of the score. + </p> + <p> + When I had secured the change I sought to intimate that we should be + leaving. I thought even the street fair would be better for us than this + rapid consumption of stimulants. + </p> + <p> + “I bet he’d go without buying,” said Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “No, he wouldn’t,” said the other. “He knows what’s customary in a case + like this. He’s just a little embarrassed. Wait and see if I ain’t right.” + At which they both sat and stared at me in silence for some moments until + at last I ordered more drink, as I saw was expected of me. + </p> + <p> + “He wants the cabman to have one with him,” said Cousin Egbert, whereat + the other not only beckoned our cabby to join us, but called to two + labourers who were passing, and also induced the waiter who served us to + join in the “round.” + </p> + <p> + “He seems to have a lot of tough friends,” said Cousin Egbert as we all + drank, though he well knew I had extended none of these invitations. + </p> + <p> + “Acts like a drunken sailor soon as he gets a little money,” said the + other. + </p> + <p> + “Three rousing cheers!” replied Cousin Egbert, and to my great chagrin he + leaped to his feet, seized one of the navvies about the waist, and there + on the public pavement did a crude dance with him to the strain of the + “Marseillaise” from the steam orchestrion. Not only this, but when the + music had ceased he traded hats with the navvy, securing a most shocking + affair in place of the new one, and as they parted he presented the fellow + with the gloves and stick I had purchased for him that very morning. As I + stared aghast at this <i>faux pas</i> the navvy, with his new hat at an + angle and twirling the stick, proceeded down the street with mincing steps + and exaggerated airs of gentility, to the applause of the entire crowd, + including Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “This ain’t quite the hat I want,” he said as he returned to us, “but the + day is young. I’ll have other chances,” and with the help of the + public-house window as a mirror he adjusted the unmentionable thing with + affectations of great nicety. + </p> + <p> + “He always was a dressy old scoundrel,” remarked the Tuttle person. And + then, as the music came to us once more, he continued: “Say, Sour-dough, + let’s go over to the rodeo—they got some likely looking broncs over + there.” + </p> + <p> + Arm in arm, accordingly, they crossed the street and proceeded to the + carrousel, first warning the cabby and myself to stay by them lest harm + should come to us. What now ensued was perhaps their most remarkable + behaviour at the day. At the time I could account for it only by the + liquor they had consumed, but later experience in the States convinced me + that they were at times consciously spoofing. I mean to say, it was quite + too absurd—their seriously believing what they seemed to believe. + </p> + <p> + The carrousel being at rest when we approached, they gravely examined each + one of the painted wooden effigies, looking into such of the mouths as + were open, and cautiously feeling the forelegs of the different mounts, + keeping up an elaborate pretence the while that the beasts were real and + that they were in danger of being kicked. One absurdly painted horse they + agreed would be the most difficult to ride. Examining his mouth, they + disputed as to his age, and called the cabby to have his opinion of the + thing’s fetlocks, warning each other to beware of his rearing. The cabby, + who was doubtless also intoxicated, made an equal pretence of the beast’s + realness, and indulged, I gathered, in various criticisms of its legs at + great length. + </p> + <p> + “I think he’s right,” remarked the Tuttle person when the cabby had + finished. “It’s a bad case of splints. The leg would be blistered if I had + him.” + </p> + <p> + “I wouldn’t give him corral room,” said Cousin Egbert. “He’s a bad actor. + Look at his eye! Whoa! there—you would, would you!” Here he made a + pretence that the beast had seized him by the shoulder. “He’s a man-eater! + What did I tell you? Keep him away!” + </p> + <p> + “I’ll take that out of him,” said the Tuttle person. “I’ll show him who’s + his master.” + </p> + <p> + “You ain’t never going to try to ride him, Jeff? Think of the wife and + little ones!” + </p> + <p> + “You know me, Sour-dough. No horse never stepped out from under me yet. + I’ll not only ride him, but I’ll put a silver dollar in each stirrup and + give you a thousand for each one I lose and a thousand for every time I + touch leather.” + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert here began to plead tearfully: + </p> + <p> + “Don’t do it, Jeff—come on around here. There’s a big five-year-old + roan around here that will be safe as a church for you. Let that pinto + alone. They ought to be arrested for having him here.” + </p> + <p> + But the other seemed obdurate. + </p> + <p> + “Start her up, Professor, when I give the word!” he called to the + proprietor, and handed him one of the French banknotes. “Play it all out!” + he directed, as this person gasped with amazement. + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert then proceeded to the head of the beast. + </p> + <p> + “You’ll have to blind him,” he said. + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” replied the other, and with loud and profane cries to the animal + they bound a handkerchief about his eyes. + </p> + <p> + “I can tell he’s going to be a twister,” warned Cousin Egbert. “I better + ear him,” and to my increased amazement he took one of the beast’s leather + ears between his teeth and held it tightly. Then with soothing words to + the supposedly dangerous animal, the Tuttle person mounted him. + </p> + <p> + “Let him go!” he called to Cousin Egbert, who released the ear from + between his teeth. + </p> + <p> + “Wait!” called the latter. “We’re all going with you,” whereupon he + insisted that the cabby and I should enter a sort of swan-boat directly in + the rear. I felt a silly fool, but I saw there was nothing else to be + done. Cousin Egbert himself mounted a horse he had called a “blue roan,” + waved his hand to the proprietor, who switched a lever, the “Marseillaise” + blared forth, and the platform began to revolve. As we moved, the Tuttle + person whisked the handkerchief from off the eyes of his mount and with + loud, shrill cries began to beat the sides of its head with his soft hat, + bobbing about in his saddle, moreover, as if the beast were most unruly + and like to dismount him. Cousin Egbert joined in the yelling, I am sorry + to say, and lashed his beast as if he would overtake his companion. The + cabman also became excited and shouted his utmost, apparently in the way + of encouragement. Strange to say, I presume on account of the motion, I + felt the thing was becoming infectious and was absurdly moved to join in + the shouts, restraining myself with difficulty. I could distinctly imagine + we were in the hunting field and riding the tails off the hounds, as one + might say. + </p> + <p> + In view of what was later most unjustly alleged of me, I think it as well + to record now that, though I had partaken freely of the stimulants since + our meeting with the Tuttle person, I was not intoxicated, nor until this + moment had I felt even the slightest elation. Now, however, I did begin to + feel conscious of a mild exhilaration, and to be aware that I was viewing + the behaviour of my companions with a sort of superior but amused + tolerance. I can account for this only by supposing that the swift + revolutions of the carrousel had in some occult manner intensified or + consummated, as one might say, the effect of my previous potations. I mean + to say, the continued swirling about gave me a frothy feeling that was not + unpleasant. + </p> + <p> + As the contrivance came to rest, Cousin Egbert ran to the Tuttle person, + who had dismounted, and warmly shook his hand, as did the cabby. + </p> + <p> + “I certainly thought he had you there once, Jeff,” said Cousin Egbert. “Of + all the twisters I ever saw, that outlaw is the worst.” + </p> + <p> + “Wanted to roll me,” said the other, “but I learned him something.” + </p> + <p> + It may not be credited, but at this moment I found myself examining the + beast and saying: “He’s crocked himself up, sir—he’s gone tender at + the heel.” I knew perfectly, it must be understood, that this was silly, + and yet I further added, “I fancy he’s picked up a stone.” I mean to say, + it was the most utter rot, pretending seriously that way. + </p> + <p> + “You come away,” said Cousin Egbert. “Next thing you’ll be thinking you + can ride him yourself.” I did in truth experience an earnest craving for + more of the revolutions and said as much, adding that I rode at twelve + stone. + </p> + <p> + “Let him break his neck if he wants to,” urged the Tuttle person. + </p> + <p> + “It wouldn’t be right,” replied Cousin Egbert, “not in his condition. + Let’s see if we can’t find something gentle for him. Not the roan—I + found she ain’t bridle-wise. How about that pheasant?” + </p> + <p> + “It’s an ostrich, sir,” I corrected him, as indeed it most distinctly was, + though at my words they both indulged in loud laughter, affecting to + consider that I had misnamed the creature. + </p> + <p> + “Ostrich!” they shouted. “Poor old Bill—he thinks it’s an ostrich!” + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, sir,” I said, pleasantly but firmly, determining not to be + hoaxed again. + </p> + <p> + “Don’t drivel that way,” said the Tuttle person. + </p> + <p> + “Leave it to the driver, Jeff—maybe he’ll believe <i>him</i>,” said + Cousin Egbert almost sadly, whereupon the other addressed the cabby: + </p> + <p> + “Hey, Frank,” he began, and continued with some French words, among which + I caught “vooley-vous, ally caffy, foomer”; and something that sounded + much like “kafoozleum,” at which the cabby spoke at some length in his + native language concerning the ostrich. When he had done, the Tuttle + person turned to me with a superior frown. + </p> + <p> + “Now I guess you’re satisfied,” he remarked. “You heard what Frank said—it’s + an Arabian muffin bird.” Of course I was perfectly certain that the chap + had said nothing of the sort, but I resolved to enter into the spirit of + the thing, so I merely said: “Yes, sir; my error; it was only at first + glance that it seemed to be an ostrich.” + </p> + <p> + “Come along,” said Cousin Egbert. “I won’t let him ride anything he can’t + guess the name of. It wouldn’t be right to his folks.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, what’s that, then?” demanded the other, pointing full at the + giraffe. + </p> + <p> + “It’s a bally ant-eater, sir,” I replied, divining that I should be wise + not to seem too obvious in naming the beast. + </p> + <p> + “Well, well, so it is!” exclaimed the Tuttle person delightedly. + </p> + <p> + “He’s got the eye with him this time,” said Cousin Egbert admiringly. + </p> + <p> + “He’s sure a wonder,” said the other. “That thing had me fooled; I thought + at first it was a Russian mouse hound.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, let him ride it, then,” said Cousin Egbert, and I was practically + lifted into the saddle by the pair of them. + </p> + <p> + “One moment,” said Cousin Egbert. “Can’t you see the poor thing has a sore + throat? Wait till I fix him.” And forthwith he removed his spats and in + another moment had buckled them securely high about the throat of the + giraffe. It will be seen that I was not myself when I say that this + performance did not shock me as it should have done, though I was, of + course, less entertained by it than were the remainder of our party and a + circle of the French lower classes that had formed about us. + </p> + <p> + “Give him his head! Let’s see what time you can make!” shouted Cousin + Egbert as the affair began once more to revolve. I saw that both my + companions held opened watches in their hands. + </p> + <p> + It here becomes difficult for me to be lucid about the succeeding events + of the day. I was conscious of a mounting exhilaration as my beast swept + me around the circle, and of a marked impatience with many of the + proprieties of behaviour that ordinarily with me matter enormously. I + swung my cap and joyously urged my strange steed to a faster pace, being + conscious of loud applause each time I passed my companions. For certain + lapses of memory thereafter I must wholly blame this insidious motion. + </p> + <p> + For example, though I believed myself to be still mounted and whirling + (indeed I was strongly aware of the motion), I found myself seated again + at the corner public house and rapping smartly for drink, which I paid + for. I was feeling remarkably fit, and suffered only a mild wonder that I + should have left the carrousel without observing it. Having drained my + glass, I then remember asking Cousin Egbert if he would consent to change + hats with the cabby, which he willingly did. It was a top-hat of some + strange, hard material brightly glazed. Although many unjust things were + said of me later, this is the sole incident of the day which causes me to + admit that I might have taken a glass too much, especially as I + undoubtedly praised Cousin Egbert’s appearance when the exchange had been + made, and was heard to wish that we might all have hats so smart. + </p> + <p> + It was directly after this that young Mr. Elmer, the art student, invited + us to his studio, though I had not before remarked his presence, and + cannot recall now where we met him. The occurrence in the studio, however, + was entirely natural. I wished to please my friends and made no demur + whatever when asked to don the things—a trouserish affair, of + sheep’s wool, which they called “chapps,” a flannel shirt of blue (they + knotted a scarlet handkerchief around my neck), and a wide-brimmed white + hat with four indentations in the crown, such as one may see worn in the + cinema dramas by cow-persons and other western-coast desperadoes. When + they had strapped around my waist a large pistol in a leather jacket, I + considered the effect picturesque in the extreme, and my friends were loud + in their approval of it. + </p> + <p> + I repeat, it was an occasion when it would have been boorish in me to + refuse to meet them halfway. I even told them an excellent wheeze I had + long known, which I thought they might not, have heard. It runs: “Why is + Charing Cross? Because the Strand runs into it.” I mean to say, this is + comic providing one enters wholly into the spirit of it, as there is + required a certain nimbleness of mind to get the point, as one might say. + In the present instance some needed element was lacking, for they actually + drew aloof from me and conversed in low tones among themselves, pointedly + ignoring me. I repeated the thing to make sure they should see it, whereat + I heard Cousin Egbert say. “Better not irritate him—he’ll get mad if + we don’t laugh,” after which they burst into laughter so extravagant that + I knew it to be feigned. Hereupon, feeling quite drowsy, I resolved to + have forty winks, and with due apologies reclined upon the couch, where I + drifted into a refreshing slumber. + </p> + <p> + Later I inferred that I must have slept for some hours. I was awakened by + a light flashed in my eyes, and beheld Cousin Egbert and the Tuttle + person, the latter wishing to know how late I expected to keep them up. I + was on my feet at once with apologies, but they instantly hustled me to + the door, down a flight of steps, through a court-yard, and into the + waiting cab. It was then I noticed that I was wearing the curious hat of + the American Far-West, but when I would have gone back to leave it, and + secure my own, they protested vehemently, wishing to know if I had not + given them trouble enough that day. + </p> + <p> + In the cab I was still somewhat drowsy, but gathered that my companions + had left me, to dine and attend a public dance-hall with the cubbish art + student. They had not seemed to need sleep and were still wakeful, for + they sang from time to time, and Cousin Egbert lifted the cabby’s hat, + which he still wore, bowing to imaginary throngs along the street who were + supposed to be applauding him. I at once became conscience-stricken at the + thought of Mrs. Effie’s feelings when she should discover him to be in + this state, and was on the point of suggesting that he seek another + apartment for the night, when the cab pulled up in front of our own hotel. + </p> + <p> + Though I protest that I was now entirely recovered from any effect that + the alcohol might have had upon me, it was not until this moment that I + most horribly discovered myself to be in the full cow-person’s regalia I + had donned in the studio in a spirit of pure frolic. I mean to say, I had + never intended to wear the things beyond the door and could not have been + hired to do so. What was my amazement then to find my companions + laboriously lifting me from the cab in this impossible tenue. I objected + vehemently, but little good it did me. + </p> + <p> + “Get a policeman if he starts any of that rough stuff,” said the Tuttle + person, and in sheer horror of a scandal I subsided, while one on either + side they hustled me through the hotel lounge—happily vacant of + every one but a tariff manager—and into the lift. And now I + perceived that they were once more pretending to themselves that I was in + a bad way from drink, though I could not at once suspect the full iniquity + of their design. + </p> + <p> + As we reached our own floor, one of them still seeming to support me on + either side, they began loud and excited admonitions to me to be still, to + come along as quickly as possible, to stop singing, and not to shoot. I + mean to say, I was entirely quiet, I was coming along as quickly as they + would let me, I had not sung, and did not wish to shoot, yet they + persisted in making this loud ado over my supposed intoxication, aimlessly + as I thought, until the door of the Floud drawing-room opened and Mrs. + Effie appeared in the hallway. At this they redoubled their absurd + violence with me, and by dint of tripping me they actually made it appear + that I was scarce able to walk, nor do I imagine that the costume I wore + was any testimonial to my sobriety. + </p> + <p> + “Now we got him safe,” panted Cousin Egbert, pushing open the door of my + room. + </p> + <p> + “Get his gun, first!” warned the Tuttle person, and this being taken from + me, I was unceremoniously shoved inside. + </p> + <p> + “What does all this mean?” demanded Mrs. Effie, coming rapidly down the + hall. “Where have you been till this time of night? I bet it’s your fault, + Jeff Tuttle—you’ve been getting him going.” + </p> + <p> + They were both voluble with denials of this, and though I could scarce + believe my ears, they proceeded to tell a story that laid the blame + entirely on me. + </p> + <p> + “No, ma’am, Mis’ Effie,” began the Tuttle person. “It ain’t that way at + all. You wrong me if ever a man was wronged.” + </p> + <p> + “You just seen what state he was in, didn’t you?” asked Cousin Egbert in + tones of deep injury. “Do you want to take another look at him?” and he + made as if to push the door farther open upon me. + </p> + <p> + “Don’t do it—don’t get him started again!” warned the Tuttle person. + “I’ve had trouble enough with that man to-day.” + </p> + <p> + “I seen it coming this morning,” said Cousin Egbert, “when we was at the + art gallery. He had a kind of wild look in his eyes, and I says right + then: ‘There’s a man ought to be watched,’ and, well, one thing led to + another—look at this hat he made me wear—nothing would satisfy + him but I should trade hats with some cab-driver——” + </p> + <p> + “I was coming along from looking at two or three good churches,” broke in + the Tuttle person, “when I seen Sour-dough here having a kind of a mix-up + with this man because of him insisting he must ride a kangaroo or + something on a merry-go-round, and wanting Sour-dough to ride an ostrich + with him, and then when we got him quieted down a little, nothing would do + him but he’s got to be a cowboy—you seen his clothes, didn’t you? + And of course I wanted to get back to Addie and the girls, but I seen + Sour-dough here was in trouble, so I stayed right by him, and between us + we got the maniac here.” + </p> + <p> + “He’s one of them should never touch liquor,” said Cousin Egbert; “it + makes a demon of him.” + </p> + <p> + “I got his knife away from him early in the game,” said the other. + </p> + <p> + “I don’t suppose I got to wear this cabman’s hat just because he told me + to, have I?” demanded Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “And here I’d been looking forward to a quiet day seeing some well-known + objects of interest,” came from the other, “after I got my tooth pulled, + that is.” + </p> + <p> + “And me with a tooth, too, that nearly drove me out of my mind,” said + Cousin Egbert suddenly. + </p> + <p> + I could not see Mrs. Effie, but she had evidently listened to this + outrageous tale with more or less belief, though not wholly credulous. + </p> + <p> + “You men have both been drinking yourselves,” she said shrewdly. + </p> + <p> + “We had to take a little; he made us,” declared the Tuttle person + brazenly. + </p> + <p> + “He got so he insisted on our taking something every time he did,” added + Cousin Egbert. “And, anyway, I didn’t care so much, with this tooth of + mine aching like it does.” + </p> + <p> + “You come right out with me and around to that dentist I went to this + morning,” said the Tuttle person. “You’ll suffer all night if you don’t.” + </p> + <p> + “Maybe I’d better,” said Cousin Egbert, “though I hate to leave this + comfortable hotel and go out into the night air again.” + </p> + <p> + “I’ll have the right of this in the morning,” said Mrs. Effie. “Don’t + think it’s going to stop here!” At this my door was pulled to and the key + turned in the lock. + </p> + <p> + Frankly I am aware that what I have put down above is incredible, yet not + a single detail have I distorted. With a quite devilish ingenuity they had + fastened upon some true bits: I had suggested the change of hats with the + cabby, I had wished to ride the giraffe, and the Tuttle person had secured + my knife, but how monstrously untrue of me was the impression conveyed by + these isolated facts. I could believe now quite all the tales I had ever + heard of the queerness of Americans. Queerness, indeed! I went to bed + resolving to let the morrow take care of itself. + </p> + <p> + Again I was awakened by a light flashing in my eyes, and became aware that + Cousin Egbert stood in the middle of the room. He was reading from his + notebook of art criticisms, with something of an oratorical effect. + Through the half-drawn curtains I could see that dawn was breaking. Cousin + Egbert was no longer wearing the cabby’s hat. It was now the flat cap of + the Paris constable or policeman. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER FOUR + </h2> + <p> + The sight was a fair crumpler after the outrageous slander that had been + put upon me by this elderly inebriate and his accomplice. I sat up at + once, prepared to bully him down a bit. Although I was not sure that I + engaged his attention, I told him that his reading could be very well done + without and that he might take himself off. At this he became silent and + regarded me solemnly. + </p> + <p> + “Why did Charing Cross the Strand? Because three rousing cheers,” said he. + </p> + <p> + Of course he had the wheeze all wrong and I saw that he should be in bed. + So with gentle words I lured him to his own chamber. Here, with a quite + unexpected perversity, he accused me of having kept him up the night long + and begged now to be allowed to retire. This he did with muttered + complaints of my behaviour, and was almost instantly asleep. I concealed + the constable’s cap in one of his boxes, for I feared that he had not come + by this honestly. I then returned to my own room, where for a long time I + meditated profoundly upon the situation that now confronted me. + </p> + <p> + It seemed probable that I should be shopped by Mrs. Effie for what she had + been led to believe was my rowdyish behaviour. However dastardly the + injustice to me, it was a solution of the problem that I saw I could bring + myself to meet with considerable philosophy. It meant a return to the + quiet service of the Honourable George and that I need no longer face the + distressing vicissitudes of life in the back blocks of unexplored America. + I would not be obliged to muddle along in the blind fashion of the last + two days, feeling a frightful fool. Mrs. Effie would surely not keep me + on, and that was all about it. I had merely to make no defence of myself. + And even if I chose to make one I was not certain that she would believe + me, so cunning had been the accusations against me, with that tiny thread + of fact which I make no doubt has so often enabled historians to give a + false colouring to their recitals without stating downright untruths. + Indeed, my shameless appearance in the garb of a cow person would alone + have cast doubt upon the truth as I knew it to be. + </p> + <p> + Then suddenly I suffered an illumination. I perceived all at once that to + make any sort of defence of myself would not be cricket. I mean to say, I + saw the proceedings of the previous day in a new light. It is well known + that I do not hold with the abuse of alcoholic stimulants, and yet on the + day before, in moments that I now confess to have been slightly elevated, + I had been conscious of a certain feeling of fellowship with my two + companions that was rather wonderful. Though obviously they were not + university men, they seemed to belong to what in America would be called + the landed gentry, and yet I had felt myself on terms of undoubted + equality with them. It may be believed or not, but there had been brief + spaces when I forgot that I was a gentleman’s man. Astoundingly I had + experienced the confident ease of a gentleman among his equals. I was + obliged to admit now that this might have been a mere delusion of the cup, + and yet I wondered, too, if perchance I might not have caught something of + that American spirit of equality which is said to be peculiar to + republics. Needless to say I had never believed in the existence of this + spirit, but had considered it rather a ghastly jest, having been a reader + of our own periodical press since earliest youth. I mean to say, there + could hardly be a stable society in which one had no superiors, because in + that case one would not know who were one’s inferiors. Nevertheless, I + repeat that I had felt a most novel enlargement of myself; had, in fact, + felt that I was a gentleman among gentlemen, using the word in its + strictly technical sense. And so vividly did this conviction remain with + me that I now saw any defence of my course to be out of the question. + </p> + <p> + I perceived that my companions had meant to have me on toast from the + first. I mean to say, they had started a rag with me—a bit of chaff—and + I now found myself rather preposterously enjoying the manner in which they + had chivied me. I mean to say, I felt myself taking it as one gentleman + would take a rag from other gentlemen—not as a bit of a sneak who + would tell the truth to save his face. A couple of chaffing old beggars + they were, but they had found me a topping dead sportsman of their own + sort. Be it remembered I was still uncertain whether I had caught + something of that alleged American spirit, or whether the drink had made + me feel equal at least to Americans. Whatever it might be, it was rather + great, and I was prepared to face Mrs. Effie without a tremor—to + face her, of course, as one overtaken by a weakness for spirits. + </p> + <p> + When the bell at last rang I donned my service coat and, assuming a look + of profound remorse, I went to the drawing-room to serve the morning + coffee. As I suspected, only Mrs. Effie was present. I believe it has been + before remarked that she is a person of commanding presence, with a manner + of marked determination. She favoured me with a brief but chilling glance, + and for some moments thereafter affected quite to ignore me. Obviously she + had been completely greened the night before and was treating me with a + proper contempt. I saw that it was no use grousing at fate and that it was + better for me not to go into the American wilderness, since a rolling + stone gathers no moss. I was prepared to accept instant dismissal without + a character. + </p> + <p> + She began upon me, however, after her first cup of coffee, more mildly + than I had expected. + </p> + <p> + “Ruggles, I’m horribly disappointed in you.” + </p> + <p> + “Not more so than I myself, Madam,” I replied. + </p> + <p> + “I am more disappointed,” she continued, “because I felt that Cousin + Egbert had something in him——” + </p> + <p> + “Something in him, yes, Madam,” I murmured sympathetically. + </p> + <p> + “And that you were the man to bring it out. I was quite hopeful after you + got him into those new clothes. I don’t believe any one else could have + done it. And now it turns out that you have this weakness for drink. Not + only that, but you have a mania for insisting that other men drink with + you. Think of those two poor fellows trailing you over Paris yesterday + trying to save you from yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “I shall never forget it, Madam,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “Of course I don’t believe that Jeff Tuttle always has to have it forced + on him. Jeff Tuttle is an Indian. But Cousin Egbert is different. You tore + him away from that art gallery where he was improving his mind, and led + him into places that must have been disgusting to him. All he wanted was + to study the world’s masterpieces in canvas and marble, yet you put a + cabman’s hat on him and made him ride an antelope, or whatever the thing + was. I can’t think where you got such ideas.” + </p> + <p> + “I was not myself. I can only say that I seemed to be subject to an + attack.” And the Tuttle person was one of their Indians! This explained so + much about him. + </p> + <p> + “You don’t look like a periodical souse,” she remarked. + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, Madam.” + </p> + <p> + “But you must be a wonder when you do start. The point is: am I doing + right to intrust Cousin Egbert to you again?” + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, Madam.” + </p> + <p> + “It seems doubtful if you are the person to develop his higher nature.” + </p> + <p> + Against my better judgment I here felt obliged to protest that I had + always been given the highest character for quietness and general + behaviour and that I could safely promise that I should be guilty of no + further lapses of this kind. Frankly, I was wishing to be shopped, and yet + I could not resist making this mild defence of myself. Such I have found + to be the way of human nature. To my surprise I found that Mrs. Effie was + more than half persuaded by these words and was on the point of giving me + another trial. I cannot say that I was delighted at this. I was ready to + give up all Americans as problems one too many for me, and yet I was + strangely a little warmed at thinking I might not have seen the last of + Cousin Egbert, whom I had just given a tuckup. + </p> + <p> + “You shall have your chance,” she said at last, “and just to show you that + I’m not narrow, you can go over to the sideboard there and pour yourself + out a little one. It ought to be a lifesaver to you, feeling the way you + must this morning.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, Madam,” and I did as she suggested. I was feeling especially + fit, but I knew that I ought to play in character, as one might say. + </p> + <p> + “Three rousing cheers!” I said, having gathered the previous day that this + was a popular American toast. She stared at me rather oddly, but made no + comment other than to announce her departure on a shopping tour. Her + bonnet, I noted, was quite wrong. Too extremely modish it was, accenting + its own lines at the expense of a face to which less attention should have + been called. This is a mistake common to the sex, however. They little + dream how sadly they mock and betray their own faces. Nothing I think is + more pathetic than their trustful unconsciousness of the tragedy—the + rather plainish face under the contemptuous structure that points to it + and shrieks derision. The rather plain woman who knows what to put upon + her head is a woman of genius. I have seen three, perhaps. + </p> + <p> + I now went to the room of Cousin Egbert. I found him awake and cheerful, + but disinclined to arise. It was hard for me to realize that his simple, + kindly face could mask the guile he had displayed the night before. He + showed no sign of regret for the false light in which he had placed me. + Indeed he was sitting up in bed as cheerful and independent as if he had + paid two-pence for a park chair. + </p> + <p> + “I fancy,” he began, “that we ought to spend a peaceful day indoors. The + trouble with these foreign parts is that they don’t have enough home life. + If it isn’t one thing it’s another.” + </p> + <p> + “Sometimes it’s both, sir,” I said, and he saw at once that I was not to + be wheedled. Thereupon he grinned brazenly at me, and demanded: + </p> + <p> + “What did she say?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” I said, “she was highly indignant at me for taking you and + Mr. Tuttle into public houses and forcing you to drink liquor, but she was + good enough, after I had expressed my great regret and promised to do + better in the future, to promise that I should have another chance. It was + more than I could have hoped, sir, after the outrageous manner in which I + behaved.” + </p> + <p> + He grinned again at this, and in spite of my resentment I found myself + grinning with him. I am aware that this was a most undignified submission + to the injustice he had put upon me, and it was far from the line of stern + rebuke that I had fully meant to adopt with him, but there seemed no other + way. I mean to say, I couldn’t help it. + </p> + <p> + “I’m glad to hear you talk that way,” he said. “It shows you may have + something in you after all. What you want to do is to learn to say no. + Then you won’t be so much trouble to those who have to look after you.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” I said, “I shall try, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Then I’ll give you another chance,” he said sternly. + </p> + <p> + I mean to say, it was all spoofing, the way we talked. I am certain he + knew it as well as I did, and I am sure we both enjoyed it. I am not one + of those who think it shows a lack of dignity to unbend in this manner on + occasion. True, it is not with every one I could afford to do so, but + Cousin Egbert seemed to be an exception to almost every rule of conduct. + </p> + <p> + At his earnest request I now procured for him another carafe of iced water + (he seemed already to have consumed two of these), after which he + suggested that I read to him. The book he had was the well-known story, + “Robinson Crusoe,” and I began a chapter which describes some of the + hero’s adventures on his lonely island. + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert, I was glad to note, was soon sleeping soundly, so I left + him and retired to my own room for a bit of needed rest. The story of + “Robinson Crusoe” is one in which many interesting facts are conveyed + regarding life upon remote islands where there are practically no modern + conveniences and one is put to all sorts of crude makeshifts, but for me + the narrative contains too little dialogue. + </p> + <p> + For the remainder of the day I was left to myself, a period of peace that + I found most welcome. Not until evening did I meet any of the family + except Cousin Egbert, who partook of some light nourishment late in the + afternoon. Then it was that Mrs. Effie summoned me when she had dressed + for dinner, to say: + </p> + <p> + “We are sailing for home the day after to-morrow. See that Cousin Egbert + has everything he needs.” + </p> + <p> + The following day was a busy one, for there were many boxes to be packed + against the morrow’s sailing, and much shopping to do for Cousin Egbert, + although he was much against this. + </p> + <p> + “It’s all nonsense,” he insisted, “her saying all that truck helps to + ‘finish’ me. Look at me! I’ve been in Europe darned near four months and I + can’t see that I’m a lick more finished than when I left Red Gap. Of + course it may show on me so other people can see it, but I don’t believe + it does, at that.” Nevertheless, I bought him no end of suits and smart + haberdashery. + </p> + <p> + When the last box had been strapped I hastened to our old lodgings on the + chance of seeing the Honourable George once more. I found him dejectedly + studying an ancient copy of the “Referee.” Too evidently he had dined that + night in a costume which would, I am sure, have offended even Cousin + Egbert. Above his dress trousers he wore a golfing waistcoat and a + shooting jacket. However, I could not allow myself to be distressed by + this. Indeed, I knew that worse would come. I forebore to comment upon the + extraordinary choice of garments he had made. I knew it was quite useless. + From any word that he let fall during our chat, he might have supposed + himself to be dressed as an English gentleman should be. + </p> + <p> + He bade me seat myself, and for some time we smoked our pipes in a + friendly silence. I had feared that, as on the last occasion, he would row + me for having deserted him, but he no longer seemed to harbour this unjust + thought. We spoke of America, and I suggested that he might some time come + out to shoot big game along the Ohio or the Mississippi. He replied + moodily, after a long interval, that if he ever did come out it would be + to set up a cattle plantation. It was rather agreed that he would come + should I send for him. “Can’t sit around forever waiting for old Nevil’s + toast crumbs,” said he. + </p> + <p> + We chatted for a time of home politics, which was, of course, in a + wretched state. There was a time when we might both have been won to a + sane and reasoned liberalism, but the present so-called government was + coming it a bit too thick for us. We said some sharp things about the + little Welsh attorney who was beginning to be England’s humiliation. Then + it was time for me to go. + </p> + <p> + The moment was rather awkward, for the Honourable George, to my great + embarrassment, pressed upon me his dispatch-case, one that we had carried + during all our travels and into which tidily fitted a quart flask. Brandy + we usually carried in it. I managed to accept it with a word of thanks, + and then amazingly he shook hands twice with me as we said good-night. I + had never dreamed he could be so greatly affected. Indeed, I had always + supposed that there was nothing of the sentimentalist about him. + </p> + <p> + So the Honourable George and I were definitely apart for the first time in + our lives. + </p> + <p> + It was with mingled emotions that I set sail next day for the foreign land + to which I had been exiled by a turn of the cards. Not only was I off to a + wilderness where a life of daily adventure was the normal life, but I was + to mingle with foreigners who promised to be quite almost impossibly + queer, if the family of Flouds could be taken as a sample of the native + American—knowing Indians like the Tuttle person; that sort of thing. + If some would be less queer, others would be even more queer, with + queerness of a sort to tax even my <i>savoir faire</i>, something which + had been sorely taxed, I need hardly say, since that fatal evening when + the Honourable George’s intuitions had played him false in the game of + drawing poker. I was not the first of my countrymen, however, to find + himself in desperate straits, and I resolved to behave as England expects + us to. + </p> + <p> + I have said that I was viewing the prospect with mingled emotions. Before + we had been out many hours they became so mingled that, having crossed the + Channel many times, I could no longer pretend to ignore their true nature. + For three days I was at the mercy of the elements, and it was then I + discovered a certain hardness in the nature of Cousin Egbert which I had + not before suspected. It was only by speaking in the sharpest manner to + him that I was able to secure the nursing my condition demanded. I made no + doubt he would actually have left me to the care of a steward had I not + been firm with him. I have known him leave my bedside for an hour at a + time when it seemed probable that I would pass away at any moment. And + more than once, when I summoned him in the night to administer one of the + remedies with which I had provided myself, or perhaps to question him if + the ship were out of danger, he exhibited something very like irritation. + Indeed he was never properly impressed by my suffering, and at times when + he would answer my call it was plain to be seen that he had been passing + idle moments in the smoke-room or elsewhere, quite as if the situation + were an ordinary one. + </p> + <p> + It is only fair to say, however, that toward the end of my long and + interesting illness I had quite broken his spirit and brought him to be as + attentive as even I could wish. By the time I was able with his assistance + to go upon deck again he was bringing me nutritive wines and jellies + without being told, and so attentive did he remain that I overheard a + fellow-passenger address him as Florence Nightingale. I also overheard the + Senator tell him that I had got his sheep, whatever that may have meant—a + sheep or a goat—some domestic animal. Yet with all his willingness + he was clumsy in his handling of me; he seemed to take nothing with any + proper seriousness, and in spite of my sharpest warning he would never + wear the proper clothes, so that I always felt he was attracting undue + attention to us. Indeed, I should hardly care to cross with him again, and + this I told him straight. + </p> + <p> + Of the so-called joys of ship-life, concerning which the boat companies + speak so enthusiastically in their folders, the less said the better. It + is a childish mind, I think, that can be impressed by the mere wabbly bulk + of water. It is undoubtedly tremendous, but nothing to kick up such a row + about. The truth is that the prospect from a ship’s deck lacks that + variety which one may enjoy from almost any English hillside. One sees + merely water, and that’s all about it. + </p> + <p> + It will be understood, therefore, that I hailed our approach to the shores + of foreign America with relief if not with enthusiasm. Even this was + better than an ocean which has only size in its favour and has been quite + too foolishly overrated. + </p> + <p> + We were soon steaming into the harbour of one of their large cities. + Chicago, I had fancied it to be, until the chance remark of an American + who looked to be a well-informed fellow identified it as New York. I was + much annoyed now at the behaviour of Cousin Egbert, who burst into silly + cheers at the slightest excuse, a passing steamer, a green hill, or a + rusty statue of quite ungainly height which seemed to be made of crude + iron. Do as I would, I could not restrain him from these unseemly shouts. + I could not help contrasting his boisterousness with the fine reserve + which, for example, the Honourable George would have maintained under + these circumstances. + </p> + <p> + A further relief it was, therefore, when we were on the dock and his mind + was diverted to other matters. A long time we were detained by customs + officials who seemed rather overwhelmed by the gowns and millinery of Mrs. + Effie, but we were at last free and taken through the streets of the crude + new American city of New York to a hotel overlooking what I dare say in + their simplicity they call their Hyde Park. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER FIVE + </h2> + <p> + I must admit that at this inn they did things quite nicely, doubtless + because it seemed to be almost entirely staffed by foreigners. One would + scarce have known within its walls that one had come out to North America, + nor that savage wilderness surrounded one on every hand. Indeed I was + surprised to learn that we were quite at the edge of the rough Western + frontier, for in but one night’s journey we were to reach the American + mountains to visit some people who inhabited a camp in their dense wilds. + </p> + <p> + A bit of romantic thrill I felt in this adventure, for we should + encounter, I inferred, people of the hardy pioneer stock that has pushed + the American civilization, such as it is, ever westward. I pictured the + stalwart woodsman, axe in hand, braving the forest to fell trees for his + rustic home, while at night the red savages prowled about to scalp any who + might stray from the blazing campfire. On the day of our landing I had + read something of this—of depredations committed by their Indians at + Arizona. + </p> + <p> + From what would, I take it, be their Victoria station, we three began our + journey in one of the Pullman night coaches, the Senator of this family + having proceeded to their home settlement of Red Gap with word that he + must “look after his fences,” referring, doubtless, to those about his + cattle plantation. + </p> + <p> + As our train moved out Mrs. Effie summoned me for a serious talk + concerning the significance of our present visit; not of the wilderness + dangers to which we might be exposed, but of its social aspects, which + seemed to be of prime importance. We were to visit, I learned, one Charles + Belknap-Jackson of Boston and Red Gap, he being a person who mattered + enormously, coming from one of the very oldest families of Boston, a port + on their east coast, and a place, I gathered, in which some decent + attention is given to the matter of who has been one’s family. A bit of a + shock it was to learn that in this rough land they had their castes and + precedences. I saw I had been right to suspect that even a crude society + could not exist without its rules for separating one’s superiors from the + lower sorts. I began to feel at once more at home and I attended the + discourse of Mrs. Effie with close attention. + </p> + <p> + The Boston person, in one of those irresponsibly romantic moments that + sometimes trap the best of us, had married far beneath him, espousing the + simple daughter of one of the crude, old-settling families of Red Gap. + Further, so inattentive to details had he been, he had neglected to secure + an ante-nuptial settlement as our own men so wisely make it their rule to + do, and was now suffering a painful embarrassment from this folly; for the + mother-in-law, controlling the rather sizable family fortune, had harshly + insisted that the pair reside in Red Gap, permitting no more than an + occasional summer visit to his native Boston, whose inhabitants she + affected not to admire. + </p> + <p> + “Of course the poor fellow suffers frightfully,” explained Mrs. Effie, + “shut off there away from all he’d been brought up to, but good has come + of it, for his presence has simply done wonders for us. Before he came our + social life was too awful for words—oh, a <i>mixture</i>! + Practically every one in town attended our dances; no one had ever told us + any better. The Bohemian set mingled freely with the very oldest families—oh, + in a way that would never be tolerated in London society, I’m sure. And + everything so crude! Why, I can remember when no one thought of putting + doilies under the finger-bowls. No tone to it at all. For years we had no + country club, if you can believe that. And even now, in spite of the + efforts of Charles and a few of us, there are still some of the older + families that are simply sloppy in their entertaining. And promiscuous. + The trouble I’ve had with the Senator and Cousin Egbert!” + </p> + <p> + “The Flouds are an old family?” I suggested, wishing to understand these + matters deeply. + </p> + <p> + “The Flouds,” she answered impressively, “were living in Red Gap before + the spur track was ever run out to the canning factory—and I guess + you know what that means!” + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, Madam,” I suggested; and, indeed, though it puzzled me a bit, + it sounded rather tremendous, as meaning with us something like since the + battle of Hastings. + </p> + <p> + “But, as I say, Charles at once gave us a glimpse of the better things. + Thanks to him, the Bohemian set and the North Side set are now fairly + distinct. The scraps we’ve had with that Bohemian set! He has a real + genius for leadership, Charles has, but I know he often finds it so + discouraging, getting people to know their places. Even his own + mother-in-law, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill—but you’ll see + to-morrow how impossible she is, poor old soul! I shouldn’t talk about + her, I really shouldn’t. Awfully good heart the poor old dear has, but—well, + I don’t see why I shouldn’t tell you the exact truth in plain words—you’d + find it out soon enough. She is simply a confirmed <i>mixer</i>. The trial + she’s been and is to poor Charles! Almost no respect for any of the higher + things he stands for—and temper? Well, I’ve heard her swear at him + till you’d have thought it was Jeff Tuttle packing a green cayuse for the + first time. Words? Talk about words! And Cousin Egbert always standing in + with her. He’s been another awful trial, refusing to play tennis at the + country club, or to take up golf, or do any of those smart things, though + I got him a beautiful lot of sticks. But no: when he isn’t out in the + hills, he’d rather sit down in that back room at the Silver Dollar saloon, + playing cribbage all day with a lot of drunken loafers. But I’m so hoping + that will be changed, now that I’ve made him see there are better things + in life. Don’t you really think he’s another man?” + </p> + <p> + “To an extent, Madam, I dare say,” I replied cautiously. + </p> + <p> + “It’s chiefly what I got you for,” she went on. “And then, in a general + way you will give tone to our establishment. The moment I saw you I knew + you could be an influence for good among us. No one there has ever had + anything like you. Not even Charles. He’s tried to have American valets, + but you never can get them to understand their place. Charles finds them + so offensively familiar. They don’t seem to realize. But of course you + realize.” + </p> + <p> + I inclined my head in sympathetic understanding. + </p> + <p> + “I’m looking forward to Charles meeting you. I guess he’ll be a little put + out at our having you, but there’s no harm letting him see I’m to be + reckoned with. Naturally his wife, Millie, is more or less mentioned as a + social leader, but I never could see that she is really any more prominent + than I am. In fact, last year after our Bazaar of All Nations our pictures + in costume were in the Spokane paper as ‘Red Gap’s Rival Society Queens,’ + and I suppose that’s what we are, though we work together pretty well as a + rule. Still, I must say, having you puts me a couple of notches ahead of + her. Only, for heaven’s sake, keep your eye on Cousin Egbert!” + </p> + <p> + “I shall do my duty, Madam,” I returned, thinking it all rather morbidly + interesting, these weird details about their county families. + </p> + <p> + “I’m sure you will,” she said at parting. “I feel that we shall do things + right this year. Last year the Sunday Spokane paper used to have nearly a + column under the heading ‘Social Doings of Red Gap’s Smart Set.’ This year + we’ll have a good two columns, if I don’t miss my guess.” + </p> + <p> + In the smoking-compartment I found Cousin Egbert staring gloomily into + vacancy, as one might say, the reason I knew being that he had vainly + pleaded with Mrs. Effie to be allowed to spend this time at their Coney + Island, which is a sort of Brighton. He transferred his stare to me, but + it lost none of its gloom. + </p> + <p> + “Hell begins to pop!” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Referring to what, sir?” I rejoined with some severity, for I have never + held with profanity. + </p> + <p> + “Referring to Charles Belknap Hyphen Jackson of Boston, Mass.,” said he, + “the greatest little trouble-maker that ever crossed the hills—with + a bracelet on one wrist and a watch on the other and a one-shot eyeglass + and a gold cigareet case and key chains, rings, bangles, and jewellery + till he’d sink like lead if he ever fell into the crick with all that + metal on.” + </p> + <p> + “You are speaking, sir, about a person who matters enormously,” I rebuked + him. + </p> + <p> + “If I hadn’t been afraid of getting arrested I’d have shot him long ago.” + </p> + <p> + “It’s not done, sir,” I said, quite horrified by his rash words. + </p> + <p> + “It’s liable to be,” he insisted. “I bet Ma Pettengill will go in with me + on it any time I give her the word. Say, listen! there’s one good mixer.” + </p> + <p> + “The confirmed Mixer, sir?” For I remembered the term. + </p> + <p> + “The best ever. Any one can set into her game that’s got a stack of + chips.” He uttered this with deep feeling, whatever it might exactly mean. + </p> + <p> + “I can be pushed just so far,” he insisted sullenly. It struck me then + that he should perhaps have been kept longer in one of the European + capitals. I feared his brief contact with those refining influences had + left him less polished than Mrs. Effie seemed to hope. I wondered uneasily + if he might not cause her to miss her guess. Yet I saw he was in no mood + to be reasoned with, and I retired to my bed which the blackamoor guard + had done out. Here I meditated profoundly for some time before I slept. + </p> + <p> + Morning found our coach shunted to a siding at a backwoods settlement on + the borders of an inland sea. The scene was wild beyond description, where + quite almost anything might be expected to happen, though I was a bit + reassured by the presence of a number of persons of both sexes who + appeared to make little of the dangers by which we were surrounded. I mean + to say since they thus took their women into the wilds so freely, I would + still be a dead sportsman. + </p> + <p> + After a brief wait at a rude quay we embarked on a launch and steamed out + over the water. Mile after mile we passed wooded shores that sloped up to + mountains of prodigious height. Indeed the description of the Rocky + Mountains, of which I take these to be a part, have not been overdrawn. + From time to time, at the edge of the primeval forest, I could make out + the rude shelters of hunter and trapper who braved these perils for the + sake of a scanty livelihood for their hardy wives and little ones. + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert, beside me, seemed unimpressed, making no outcry at the + fearsome wildness of the scene, and when I spoke of the terrific height of + the mountains he merely admonished me to “quit my kidding.” The sole + interest he had thus far displayed was in the title of our craft—<i>Storm + King</i>. + </p> + <p> + “Think of the guy’s imagination, naming this here chafing dish the <i>Storm + King</i>!” said he; but I was impatient of levity at so solemn a moment, + and promptly rebuked him for having donned a cravat that I had warned him + was for town wear alone; whereat he subsided and did not again intrude + upon me. + </p> + <p> + Far ahead, at length, I could descry an open glade at the forest edge, and + above this I soon spied floating the North American flag, or national + emblem. It is, of course, known to us that the natives are given to making + rather a silly noise over this flag of theirs, but in this instance—the + pioneer fighting his way into the wilderness and hoisting it above his + frontier home—I felt strangely indisposed to criticise. I understood + that he could be greatly cheered by the flag of the country he had left + behind. + </p> + <p> + We now neared a small dock from which two ladies brandished handkerchiefs + at us, and were presently welcomed by them. I had no difficulty in + identifying the Mrs. Charles Belknap-Jackson, a lively featured brunette + of neutral tints, rather stubby as to figure, but modishly done out in + white flannels. She surveyed us interestedly through a lorgnon, observing + which Mrs. Effie was quick with her own. I surmised that neither of them + was skilled with this form of glass (which must really be raised with an + air or it’s no good); also that each was not a little chagrined to note + that the other possessed one. + </p> + <p> + Nor was it less evident that the other lady was the mother of Mrs. + Belknap-Jackson; I mean to say, the confirmed Mixer—an elderly + person of immense bulk in gray walking-skirt, heavy boots, and a flowered + blouse that was overwhelming. Her face, under her grayish thatch of hair, + was broad and smiling, the eyes keen, the mouth wide, and the nose rather + a bit blobby. Although at every point she was far from vogue, she + impressed me not unpleasantly. Even her voice, a magnificently hoarse + rumble, was primed with a sort of uncouth good-will which one might accept + in the States. Of course it would never do with us. + </p> + <p> + I fancied I could at once detect why they had called her the “Mixer.” She + embraced Mrs. Effie with an air of being about to strangle the woman; she + affectionately wrung the hands of Cousin Egbert, and had grasped my own + tightly before I could evade her, not having looked for that sort of + thing. + </p> + <p> + “That’s Cousin Egbert’s man!” called Mrs. Effie. But even then the + powerful creature would not release me until her daughter had called + sharply, “Maw! Don’t you hear? He’s a <i>man</i>!” Nevertheless she gave + my hand a parting shake before turning to the others. + </p> + <p> + “Glad to see a human face at last!” she boomed. “Here I’ve been a month in + this dinky hole,” which I thought strange, since we were surrounded by + league upon league of the primal wilderness. “Cooped up like a hen in a + barrel,” she added in tones that must have carried well out over the lake. + </p> + <p> + “Cousin Egbert’s man,” repeated Mrs. Effie, a little ostentatiously, I + thought. “Poor Egbert’s so dependent on him—quite helpless without + him.” + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert muttered sullenly to himself as he assisted me with the + bags. Then he straightened himself to address them. + </p> + <p> + “Won him in a game of freeze-out,” he remarked quite viciously. + </p> + <p> + “Does he doll Sour-dough up like that all the time?” demanded the Mixer, + “or has he just come from a masquerade? What’s he represent, anyway?” And + these words when I had taken especial pains and resorted to all manner of + threats to turn him smartly out in the walking-suit of a pioneer! + </p> + <p> + “Maw!” cried our hostess, “do try to forget that dreadful nickname of + Egbert’s.” + </p> + <p> + “I sure will if he keeps his disguise on,” she rumbled back. “The old + horned toad is most as funny as Jackson.” + </p> + <p> + Really, I mean to say, they talked most amazingly. I was but too glad when + they moved on and we could follow with the bags. + </p> + <p> + “Calls her ‘Maw’ all right now,” hissed Cousin Egbert in my ear, “but when + that begoshed husband of hers is around the house she calls her ‘Mater.’” + </p> + <p> + His tone was vastly bitter. He continued to mutter sullenly to himself—a + way he had—until we had disposed of the luggage and I was laying out + his afternoon and evening wear in one of the small detached houses to + which we had been assigned. Nor did he sink his grievance on the arrival + of the Mixer a few moments later. He now addressed her as “Ma” and asked + if she had “the makings,” which puzzled me until she drew from the pocket + of her skirt a small cloth sack of tobacco and some bits of brown paper, + from which they both fashioned cigarettes. + </p> + <p> + “The smart set of Red Gap is holding its first annual meeting for the + election of officers back there,” she began after she had emitted twin + jets of smoke from the widely separated corners of her set mouth. + </p> + <p> + “I say, you know, where’s Hyphen old top?” demanded Cousin Egbert in a + quite vile imitation of one speaking in the correct manner. + </p> + <p> + “Fishing,” answered the Mixer with a grin. “In a thousand dollars’ worth + of clothes. These here Eastern trout won’t notice you unless you dress + right.” I thought this strange indeed, but Cousin Egbert merely grinned in + his turn. + </p> + <p> + “How’d he get you into this awfully horrid rough place?” he next demanded. + </p> + <p> + “Made him. ‘This or Red Gap for yours,’ I says. The two weeks in New York + wasn’t so bad, what with Millie and me getting new clothes, though him and + her both jumped on me that I’m getting too gay about clothes for a party + of my age. ‘What’s age to me,’ I says, ‘when I like bright colours?’ Then + we tried his home-folks in Boston, but I played that string out in a week. + </p> + <p> + “Two old-maid sisters, thin noses and knitted shawls! Stick around in the + back parlour talking about families—whether it was Aunt Lucy’s + Abigail or the Concord cousin’s Hester that married an Adams in ‘78 and + moved out west to Buffalo. I thought first I could liven them up some, <i>you</i> + know. Looked like it would help a lot for them to get out in a hack and + get a few shots of hooch under their belts, stop at a few roadhouses, take + in a good variety show; get ‘em to feeling good, understand? No use. + Wouldn’t start. Darn it! they held off from me. Don’t know why. I sure + wore clothes for them. Yes, sir. I’d get dressed up like a broken arm + every afternoon; and, say, I got one sheath skirt, black and white + striped, that just has to be looked at. Never phased them, though. + </p> + <p> + “I got to thinking mebbe it was because I made my own smokes instead of + using those vegetable cigarettes of Jackson’s, or maybe because I’d get + parched and demand a slug of booze before supper. Like a Sunday afternoon + all the time, when you eat a big dinner and everybody’s sleepy and mad + because they can’t take a nap, and have to set around and play a few + church tunes on the organ or look through the album again.” + </p> + <p> + “Ain’t that right? Don’t it fade you?” murmured Cousin Egbert with deep + feeling. + </p> + <p> + “And little Lysander, my only grandson, poor kid, getting the fidgets + because they try to make him talk different, and raise hell every time he + knocks over a vase or busts a window. Say, would you believe it? they + wanted to keep him there—yes, sir—make him refined. Not for + me! ‘His father’s about all he can survive in those respects,’ I says. + What do you think? Wanted to let his hair grow so he’d have curls. Some + dames, yes? I bet they’d have give the kid lovely days. ‘Boston may be all + O.K. for grandfathers,’ I says; ‘not for grandsons, though.’ + </p> + <p> + “Then Jackson was set on Bar Harbor, and I had to be firm again. Darn it! + that man is always making me be firm. So here we are. He said it was a + camp, and that sounded good. But my lands! he wears his full evening dress + suit for supper every night, and you had ought to heard him go on one day + when the patent ice-machine went bad.” + </p> + <p> + “My good gosh!” said Cousin Egbert quite simply. + </p> + <p> + I had now finished laying out his things and was about to withdraw. + </p> + <p> + “Is he always like that?” suddenly demanded the Mixer, pointing at me. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Bill’s all right when you get him out with a crowd,” explained the + other. “Bill’s really got the makings of one fine little mixer.” + </p> + <p> + They both regarded me genially. It was vastly puzzling. I mean to say, I + was at a loss how to take it, for, of course, that sort of thing would + never do with us. And yet I felt a queer, confused sort of pleasure in the + talk. Absurd though it may seem, I felt there might come moments in which + America would appear almost not impossible. + </p> + <p> + As I went out Cousin Egbert was telling her of Paris. I lingered to hear + him disclose that all Frenchmen have “M” for their first initial, and that + the Louer family must be one of their wealthiest, the name “A. Louer” + being conspicuous on millions of dollars’ worth of their real estate. This + family, he said, must be like the Rothschilds. Of course the poor soul was + absurdly wrong. I mean to say, the letter “M” merely indicates “Monsieur,” + which is their foreign way of spelling Mister, while “A Louer” signifies + “to let.” I resolved to explain this to him at the first opportunity, not + thinking it right that he should spread such gross error among a race + still but half-enlightened. + </p> + <p> + Having now a bit of time to myself, I observed the construction of this + rude homestead, a dozen or more detached or semi-detached structures of + the native log, yet with the interiors more smartly done out than I had + supposed was common even with the most prosperous of their scouts and + trappers. I suspected a false idea of this rude life had been given by the + cinema dramas. I mean to say, with pianos, ice-machines, telephones, + objects of art, and servants, one saw that these woodsmen were not + primitive in any true sense of the word. + </p> + <p> + The butler proved to be a genuine blackamoor, a Mr. Waterman, he informed + me, his wife, also a black, being the cook. An elderly creature of the + utmost gravity of bearing, he brought to his professional duties a finish, + a dignity, a manner in short that I have scarce known excelled among our + own serving people. And a creature he was of the most eventful past, as he + informed me at our first encounter. As a slave he had commanded an + immensely high price, some twenty thousand dollars, as the American money + is called, and two prominent slaveholders had once fought a duel to the + death over his possession. Not many, he assured me, had been so eagerly + sought after, they being for the most part held cheaper—“common + black trash,” he put it. + </p> + <p> + Early tiring of the life of slavery, he had fled to the wilds and for some + years led a desperate band of outlaws whose crimes soon put a price upon + his head. He spoke frankly and with considerable regret of these lawless + years. At the outbreak of the American war, however, with a reward of + fifty thousand dollars offered for his body, he had boldly surrendered to + their Secretary of State for War, receiving a full pardon for his crimes + on condition that he assist in directing the military operations against + the slaveholding aristocracy. Invaluable he had been in this service, I + gathered, two generals, named respectively Grant and Sherman, having + repeatedly assured him that but for his aid they would more than once in + sheer despair have laid down their swords. + </p> + <p> + I could readily imagine that after these years of strife he had been glad + to embrace the peaceful calling in which I found him engaged. He was, as I + have intimated, a person of lofty demeanour, with a vein of high + seriousness. Yet he would unbend at moments as frankly as a child and play + at a simple game of chance with a pair of dice. This he was good enough to + teach to myself and gained from me quite a number of shillings that I + chanced to have. For his consort, a person of tremendous bulk named + Clarice, he showed a most chivalric consideration, and even what I might + have mistaken for timidity in one not a confessed desperado. In truth, he + rather flinched when she interrupted our chat from the kitchen doorway by + roundly calling him “an old black liar.” I saw that his must indeed be a + complex nature. + </p> + <p> + From this encounter I chanced upon two lads who seemed to present the + marks of the backwoods life as I had conceived it. Strolling up a woodland + path, I discovered a tent pitched among the trees, before it a smouldering + campfire, over which a cooking-pot hung. The two lads, of ten years or so, + rushed from the tent to regard me, both attired in shirts and leggings of + deerskin profusely fringed after the manner in which the red Indians + decorate their outing or lounge-suits. They were armed with sheath knives + and revolvers, and the taller bore a rifle. + </p> + <p> + “Howdy, stranger?” exclaimed this one, and the other repeated the simple + American phrase of greeting. Responding in kind, I was bade to seat myself + on a fallen log, which I did. For some moments they appeared to ignore me, + excitedly discussing an adventure of the night before, and addressing each + other as Dead Shot and Hawk Eye. From their quaint backwoods speech I + gathered that Dead Shot, the taller lad, had the day before been captured + by a band of hostile redskins who would have burned him at the stake but + for the happy chance that the chieftain’s daughter had become enamoured of + him and cut his bonds. + </p> + <p> + They now planned to return to the encampment at nightfall to fetch away + the daughter, whose name was White Fawn, and cleaned and oiled their + weapons for the enterprise. Dead Shot was vindictive in the extreme, + swearing to engage the chieftain in mortal combat and to cut his heart + out, the same chieftain in former years having led his savage band against + the forest home of Dead Shot while he was yet too young to defend it, and + scalped both of his parents. “I was a mere stripling then, but now the + coward will feel my steel!” he coldly declared. + </p> + <p> + It had become absurdly evident as I listened that the whole thing was but + spoofing of a silly sort that lads of this age will indulge in, for I had + seen the younger one take his seat at the luncheon table. But now they + spoke of a raid on the settlement to procure “grub,” as the American slang + for food has it. Bidding me stop on there and to utter the cry of the + great horned owl if danger threatened, they stealthily crept toward the + buildings of the camp. Presently came a scream, followed by a hoarse shout + of rage. A second later the two dashed by me into the dense woods, Hawk + Eye bearing a plucked fowl. Soon Mr. Waterman panted up the path + brandishing a barge pole and demanding to know the whereabouts of the + marauders. As he had apparently for the moment reverted to his primal + African savagery, I deliberately misled him by indicating a false + direction, upon which he went off, muttering the most frightful threats. + </p> + <p> + The two culprits returned, put their fowl in the pot to boil, and swore me + eternal fidelity for having saved them. They declared I should thereafter + be known as Keen Knife, and that, needing a service, I might call upon + them freely. + </p> + <p> + “Dead Shot never forgets a friend,” affirmed the taller lad, whereupon I + formally shook hands with the pair and left them to their childish + devices. They were plotting as I left to capture “that nigger,” as they + called him, and put him to death by slow torture. + </p> + <p> + But I was now shrewd enough to suspect that I might still be far from the + western frontier of America. The evidence had been cumulative but was no + longer questionable. I mean to say, one might do here somewhat after the + way of our own people at a country house in the shires. I resolved at the + first opportunity to have a look at a good map of our late colonies. + </p> + <p> + Late in the afternoon our party gathered upon the small dock and I + understood that our host now returned from his trouting. Along the shore + of the lake he came, propelled in a native canoe by a hairy backwoods + person quite wretchedly gotten up, even for a wilderness. Our host + himself, I was quick to observe, was vogue to the last detail, with a + sense of dress and equipment that can never be acquired, having to be born + in one. As he stepped from his frail craft I saw that he was rather slight + of stature, dark, with slender moustaches, a finely sensitive nose, and + eyes of an almost austere repose. That he had much of the real manner was + at once apparent. He greeted the Flouds and his own family with just that + faint touch of easy superiority which would stamp him to the trained eye + as one that really mattered. Mrs. Effie beckoned me to the group. + </p> + <p> + “Let Ruggles take your things—Cousin Egbert’s man,” she was saying. + After a startled glance at Cousin Egbert, our host turned to regard me + with flattering interest for a moment, then transferred to me his oddments + of fishing machinery: his rod, his creel, his luncheon hamper, landing + net, small scales, ointment for warding off midges, a jar of cold cream, a + case containing smoked glasses, a rolled map, a camera, a book of flies. + As I was stowing these he explained that his sport had been wretched; no + fish had been hooked because his guide had not known where to find them. I + here glanced at the backwoods person referred to and at once did not like + the look in his eyes. He winked swiftly at Cousin Egbert, who coughed + rather formally. + </p> + <p> + “Let Ruggles help you to change,” continued Mrs. Effie. “He’s awfully + handy. Poor Cousin Egbert is perfectly helpless now without him.” + </p> + <p> + So I followed our host to his own detached hut, though feeling a bit queer + at being passed about in this manner, I mean to say, as if I were a basket + of fruit. Yet I found it a grateful change to be serving one who knew our + respective places and what I should do for him. His manner of speech, + also, was less barbarous than that of the others, suggesting that he might + have lived among our own people a fortnight or so and have tried earnestly + to correct his deficiencies. In fact he remarked to me after a bit: “I + fancy I talk rather like one of yourselves, what?” and was pleased as + Punch when I assured him that I had observed this. He questioned me at + length regarding my association with the Honourable George, and the houses + at which we would have stayed, being immensely particular about names and + titles. + </p> + <p> + “You’ll find us vastly different here,” he said with a sigh, as I held his + coat for him. “Crude, I may say. In truth, Red Gap, where my interests + largely confine me, is a town of impossible persons. You’ll see in no time + what I mean.” + </p> + <p> + “I can already imagine it, sir,” I said sympathetically. + </p> + <p> + “It’s not for want of example,” he added. “Scores of times I show them + better ways, but they’re eaten up with commercialism—money-grubbing.” + </p> + <p> + I perceived him to be a person of profound and interesting views, and it + was with regret I left him to bully Cousin Egbert into evening dress. It + is undoubtedly true that he will never wear this except it have the look + of having been forced upon him by several persons of superior physical + strength. + </p> + <p> + The evening passed in a refined manner with cards and music, the latter + being emitted from a phonograph which I was asked to attend to and upon + which I reproduced many of their quaint North American folksongs, such as + “Everybody Is Doing It,” which has a rare native rhythm. At ten o’clock, + it being noticed by the three playing dummy bridge that Cousin Egbert and + the Mixer were absent, I accompanied our host in search of them. In Cousin + Egbert’s hut we found them, seated at a bare table, playing at cards—a + game called seven-upwards, I learned. Cousin Egbert had removed his coat, + collar, and cravat, and his sleeves were rolled to his elbows like a + navvy’s. Both smoked the brown paper cigarettes. + </p> + <p> + “You see?” murmured Mr. Belknap-Jackson as we looked in upon them. + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, sir,” I said discreetly. + </p> + <p> + The Mixer regarded her son-in-law with some annoyance, I thought. + </p> + <p> + “Run off to bed, Jackson!” she directed. “We’re busy. I’m putting a nick + in Sour-dough’s bank roll.” + </p> + <p> + Our host turned away with a contemptuous shrug that I dare say might have + offended her had she observed it, but she was now speaking to Cousin + Egbert, who had stared at us brazenly. + </p> + <p> + “Ring that bell for the coon, Sour-dough. I’ll split a bottle of Scotch + with you.” + </p> + <p> + It queerly occurred to me that she made this monstrous suggestion in a + spirit of bravado to annoy Mr. Belknap-Jackson. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER SIX + </h2> + <p> + There are times when all Nature seems to smile, yet when to the sensitive + mind it will be faintly brought that the possibilities are quite + tremendously otherwise if one will consider them pro and con. I mean to + say, one often suspects things may happen when it doesn’t look so. + </p> + <p> + The succeeding three days passed with so ordered a calm that little would + any but a profound thinker have fancied tragedy to lurk so near their + placid surface. Mrs. Effie and Mrs. Belknap-Jackson continued to plan the + approaching social campaign at Red Gap. Cousin Egbert and the Mixer + continued their card game for the trifling stake of a shilling a game, or + “two bits,” as it is known in the American monetary system. And our host + continued his recreation. + </p> + <p> + Each morning I turned him out in the smartest of fishing costumes and each + evening I assisted him to change. It is true I was now compelled to + observe at these times a certain lofty irritability in his character, yet + I more than half fancied this to be queerly assumed in order to inform me + that he was not unaccustomed to services such as I rendered him. There was + that about him. I mean to say, when he sharply rebuked me for clumsiness + or cried out “Stupid!” it had a perfunctory languor, as if meant to show + me he could address a servant in what he believed to be the grand manner. + In this, to be sure, he was so oddly wrong that the pathos of it quite + drowned what I might otherwise have felt of resentment. + </p> + <p> + But I next observed that he was sharp in the same manner with the hairy + backwoods person who took him to fish each day, using words to him which + I, for one, would have employed, had I thought them merited, only after + the gravest hesitation. I have before remarked that I did not like the + gleam in this person’s eyes: he was very apparently a not quite nice + person. Also I more than once observed him to wink at Cousin Egbert in an + evil manner. + </p> + <p> + As I have so truly said, how close may tragedy be to us when life seems + most correct! It was Belknap-Jackson’s custom to raise a view halloo each + evening when he returned down the lake, so that we might gather at the + dock to oversee his landing. I must admit that he disembarked with + somewhat the manner of a visiting royalty, demanding much attention and + assistance with his impedimenta. Undoubtedly he liked to be looked at. + This was what one rather felt. And I can fancy that this very human trait + of his had in a manner worn upon the probably undisciplined nerves of the + backwoods josser—had, in fact, deprived him of his “goat,” as the + native people have it. + </p> + <p> + Be this as it may, we gathered at the dock on the afternoon of the third + day of our stay to assist at the return. As the native log craft neared + the dock our host daringly arose to a graceful kneeling posture in the bow + and saluted us charmingly, the woods person in the stern wielding his + single oar in gloomy silence. At the moment a most poetic image occurred + to me—that he was like a dull grim figure of Fate that fetches us + low at the moment of our highest seeming. I mean to say, it was a silly + thought, perhaps, yet I afterward recalled it most vividly. + </p> + <p> + Holding his creel aloft our host hailed us: + </p> + <p> + “Full to-day, thanks to going where I wished and paying no attention to + silly guides’ talk.” He beamed upon us in an unquestionably superior + manner, and again from the moody figure at the stern I intercepted the + flash of a wink to Cousin Egbert. Then as the frail craft had all but + touched the dock and our host had half risen, there was a sharp dipping of + the thing and he was ejected into the chilling waters, where he almost + instantly sank. There were loud cries of alarm from all, including the + woodsman himself, who had kept the craft upright, and in these Mr. + Belknap-Jackson heartily joined the moment his head appeared above the + surface, calling “Help!” in the quite loudest of tones, which was + thoughtless enough, as we were close at hand and could easily have heard + his ordinary speaking voice. + </p> + <p> + The woods person now stepped to the dock, and firmly grasping the collar + of the drowning man hauled him out with but little effort, at the same + time becoming voluble with apologies and sympathy. The rescued man, + however, was quite off his head with rage and bluntly berated the fellow + for having tried to assassinate him. Indeed he put forth rather a torrent + of execration, but to all of this the fellow merely repeated his crude + protestations of regret and astonishment, seeming to be sincerely grieved + that his intentions should have been doubted. + </p> + <p> + From his friends about him the unfortunate man was receiving the most + urgent advice to seek dry garments lest he perish of chill, whereupon he + turned abruptly to me and cried: “Well, Stupid, don’t you see the state + that fellow has put me in? What are you doing? Have you lost your wits?” + </p> + <p> + Now I had suffered a very proper alarm and solicitude for him, but the + injustice of this got a bit on me. I mean to say, I suddenly felt a bit of + temper myself, though to be sure retaining my control. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir; quite so, sir,” I replied smoothly. “I’ll have you right as + rain in no time at all, sir,” and started to conduct him off the dock. But + now, having gone a little distance, he began to utter the most violent + threats against the woods person, declaring, in fact, he would pull the + fellow’s nose. However, I restrained him from rushing back, as I subtly + felt I was wished to do, and he at length consented again to be led toward + his hut. + </p> + <p> + But now the woods person called out: “You’re forgetting all your + pretties!” By which I saw him to mean the fishing impedimenta he had + placed on the dock. And most unreasonably at this Mr. Belknap-Jackson + again turned upon me, wishing anew to be told if I had lost my wits and + directing me to fetch the stuff. Again I was conscious of that within me + which no gentleman’s man should confess to. I mean to say, I felt like + shaking him. But I hastened back to fetch the rod, the creel, the luncheon + hamper, the midge ointment, the camera, and other articles which the woods + fellow handed me. + </p> + <p> + With these somewhat awkwardly carried, I returned to our still turbulent + host. More like a volcano he was than a man who has had a narrow squeak + from drowning, and before we had gone a dozen feet more he again turned + and declared he would “go back and thrash the unspeakable cad within an + inch of his life.” Their relative sizes rendering an attempt of this sort + quite too unwise, I was conscious of renewed irritation toward him; + indeed, the vulgar words, “Oh, stow that piffle!” swiftly formed in the + back of my mind, but again I controlled myself, as the chap was now + sneezing violently. + </p> + <p> + “Best hurry on, sir,” I said with exemplary tact. “One might contract a + severe head-cold from such a wetting,” and further endeavoured to sooth + him while I started ahead to lead him away from the fellow. Then there + happened that which fulfilled my direst premonitions. Looking back from a + moment of calm, the psychology of the crisis is of a rudimentary + simplicity. + </p> + <p> + Enraged beyond measure at the woods person, Mr. Belknap-Jackson yet + retained a fine native caution which counselled him to attempt no violence + upon that offender; but his mental tension was such that it could be + relieved only by his attacking some one; preferably some one forbidden to + retaliate. I walked there temptingly but a pace ahead of him, after my + well-meant word of advice. + </p> + <p> + I make no defence of my own course. I am aware there can be none. I can + only plead that I had already been vexed not a little by his unjust + accusations of stupidity, and dismiss with as few words as possible an + incident that will ever seem to me quite too indecently criminal. Briefly, + then, with my well-intended “Best not lower yourself, sir,” Mr. + Belknap-Jackson forgot himself and I forgot myself. It will be recalled + that I was in front of him, but I turned rather quickly. (His belongings I + had carried were widely disseminated.) + </p> + <p> + Instantly there were wild outcries from the others, who had started toward + the main, or living house. + </p> + <p> + “He’s killed Charles!” I heard Mrs. Belknap-Jackson scream; then came the + deep-chested rumble of the Mixer, “Jackson kicked him first!” They ran for + us. They had reached us while our host was down, even while my fist was + still clenched. Now again the unfortunate man cried “Help!” as his wife + assisted him to his feet. + </p> + <p> + “Send for an officer!” cried she. + </p> + <p> + “The man’s an anarchist!” shouted her husband. + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense!” boomed the Mixer. “Jackson got what he was looking for. Do it + myself if he kicked me!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Maw! Oh, Mater!” cried her daughter tearfully. + </p> + <p> + “Gee! He done it in one punch!” I heard Cousin Egbert say with what I was + aghast to suspect was admiration. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Effie, trembling, could but glare at me and gasp. Mercifully she was + beyond speech for the moment. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Belknap-Jackson was now painfully rubbing his right eye, which was not + what he should have done, and I said as much. + </p> + <p> + “Beg pardon, sir, but one does better with a bit of raw beef.” + </p> + <p> + “How dare you, you great hulking brute!” cried his wife, and made as if to + shield her husband from another attack from me, which I submit was unjust. + </p> + <p> + “Bill’s right,” said Cousin Egbert casually. “Put a piece of raw steak on + it. Gee! with one wallop!” And then, quite strangely, for a moment we all + amiably discussed whether cold compresses might not be better. Presently + our host was led off by his wife. Mrs. Effie followed them, moaning: “Oh, + oh, oh!” in the keenest distress. + </p> + <p> + At this I took to my own room in dire confusion, making no doubt I would + presently be given in charge and left to languish in gaol, perhaps given + six months’ hard. + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert came to me in a little while and laughed heartily at my fear + that anything legal would be done. He also made some ill-timed compliments + on the neatness of the blow I had dealt Mr. Belknap-Jackson, but these I + found in wretched taste and was begging him to desist, when the Mixer + entered and began to speak much in the same strain. + </p> + <p> + “Don’t you ever dare do a thing like that again,” she warned me, “unless I + got a ringside seat,” to which I remained severely silent, for I felt my + offence should not be made light of. + </p> + <p> + “Three rousing cheers!” exclaimed Cousin Egbert, whereat the two most + unfeelingly went through a vivid pantomime of cheering. + </p> + <p> + Our host, I understood, had his dinner in bed that night, and throughout + the evening, as I sat solitary in remorse, came the mocking strains of + another of their American folksongs with the refrain: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “You made me what I am to-day, + I hope you’re satisfied!” + </pre> + <p> + I conceived it to be the Mixer and Cousin Egbert who did this and, + considering the plight of our host, I thought it in the worst possible + taste. I had raised my hand against the one American I had met who was at + all times vogue. And not only this: For I now recalled a certain phrase I + had flung out as I stood over him, ranting indeed no better than an + anarchist, a phrase which showed my poor culture to be the flimsiest + veneer. + </p> + <p> + Late in the night, as I lay looking back on the frightful scene, I + recalled with wonder a swift picture of Cousin Egbert caught as I once + looked back to the dock. He had most amazingly shaken the woods person by + the hand, quickly but with marked cordiality. And yet I am quite certain + he had never been presented to the fellow. + </p> + <p> + Promptly the next morning came the dreaded summons to meet Mrs. Effie. I + was of course prepared to accept instant dismissal without a character, if + indeed I were not to be given in charge. I found her wearing an expression + of the utmost sternness, erect and formidable by the now silent + phonograph. Cousin Egbert, who was present, also wore an expression of + sternness, though I perceived him to wink at me. + </p> + <p> + “I really don’t know what we’re to do with you, Ruggles,” began the + stricken woman, and so done out she plainly was that I at once felt the + warmest sympathy for her as she continued: “First you lead poor Cousin + Egbert into a drunken debauch——” + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert here coughed nervously and eyed me with strong condemnation. + </p> + <p> + “—then you behave like a murderer. What have you to say for + yourself?” + </p> + <p> + At this I saw there was little I could say, except that I had coarsely + given way to the brute in me, and yet I knew I should try to explain. + </p> + <p> + “I dare say, Madam, it may have been because Mr. Belknap-Jackson was quite + sober at the unfortunate moment.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course Charles was sober. The idea! What of it?” + </p> + <p> + “I was remembering an occasion at Chaynes-Wotten when Lord Ivor Cradleigh + behaved toward me somewhat as Mr. Belknap-Jackson did last night and when + my own deportment was quite all that could be wished. It occurs to me now + that it was because his lordship was, how shall I say?—quite far + gone in liquor at the time, so that I could without loss of dignity pass + it off as a mere prank. Indeed, he regarded it as such himself, performing + the act with a good nature that I found quite irresistible, and I am + certain that neither his lordship nor I have ever thought the less of each + other because of it. I revert to this merely to show that I have not + always acted in a ruffianly manner under these circumstances. It seems + rather to depend upon how the thing is done—the mood of the + performer—his mental state. Had Mr. Belknap-Jackson been—pardon + me—quite drunk, I feel that the outcome would have been happier for + us all. So far as I have thought along these lines, it seems to me that if + one is to be kicked at all, one must be kicked good-naturedly. I mean to + say, with a certain camaraderie, a lightness, a gayety, a genuine + good-will that for the moment expresses itself uncouthly—an element, + I regret to say, that was conspicuously lacking from the brief activities + of Mr. Belknap-Jackson.” + </p> + <p> + “I never heard such crazy talk,” responded Mrs. Effie, “and really I never + saw such a man as you are for wanting people to become disgustingly drunk. + You made poor Cousin Egbert and Jeff Tuttle act like beasts, and now + nothing will satisfy you but that Charles should roll in the gutter. Such + dissipated talk I never did hear, and poor Charles rarely taking anything + but a single glass of wine, it upsets him so; even our reception punch he + finds too stimulating!” + </p> + <p> + I mean to say, the woman had cleanly missed my point, for never have I + advocated the use of fermented liquors to excess; but I saw it was no good + trying to tell her this. + </p> + <p> + “And the worst of it,” she went rapidly on, “Cousin Egbert here is acting + stranger than I ever knew him to act. He swears if he can’t keep you he’ll + never have another man, and you know yourself what that means in his case—and + Mrs. Pettengill saying she means to employ you herself if we let you go. + Heaven knows what the poor woman can be thinking of! Oh, it’s awful—and + everything was going so beautifully. Of course Charles would simply never + be brought to accept an apology——” + </p> + <p> + “I am only too anxious to make one,” I submitted. + </p> + <p> + “Here’s the poor fellow now,” said Cousin Egbert almost gleefully, and our + host entered. He carried a patch over his right eye and was not attired + for sport on the lake, but in a dark morning suit of quietly beautiful + lines that I thought showed a fine sense of the situation. He shot me one + superior glance from his left eye and turned to Mrs. Effie. + </p> + <p> + “I see you still harbour the ruffian?” + </p> + <p> + “I’ve just given him a call-down,” said Mrs. Effie, plainly ill at ease, + “and he says it was all because you were sober; that if you’d been in the + state Lord Ivor Cradleigh was the time it happened at Chaynes-Wotten he + wouldn’t have done anything to you, probably.” + </p> + <p> + “What’s this, what’s this? Lord Ivor Cradleigh—Chaynes-Wotten?” The + man seemed to be curiously interested by the mere names, in spite of + himself. “His lordship was at Chaynes-Wotten for the shooting, I suppose?” + This, most amazingly, to me. + </p> + <p> + “A house party at Whitsuntide, sir,” I explained. + </p> + <p> + “Ah! And you say his lordship was——” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, quite, quite in his cups, sir. If I might explain, it was that, sir—its + being done under circumstances and in a certain entirely genial spirit of + irritation to which I could take no offence, sir. His lordship is a very + decent sort, sir. I’ve known him intimately for years.” + </p> + <p> + “Dear, dear!” he replied. “Too bad, too bad! And I dare say you thought me + out of temper last night? Nothing of the sort. You should have taken it in + quite the same spirit as you did from Lord Ivor Cradleigh.” + </p> + <p> + “It seemed different, sir,” I said firmly. “If I may take the liberty of + putting it so, I felt quite offended by your manner. I missed from it at + the most critical moment, as one might say, a certain urbanity that I + found in his lordship, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, well, well! It’s too bad, really. I’m quite aware that I show a + sort of brusqueness at times, but mind you, it’s all on the surface. Had + you known me as long as you’ve known his lordship, I dare say you’d have + noticed the same rough urbanity in me as well. I rather fancy some of us + over here don’t do those things so very differently. A few of us, at + least.” + </p> + <p> + “I’m glad, indeed, to hear it, sir. It’s only necessary to understand that + there is a certain mood in which one really cannot permit one’s self to be—you + perceive, I trust.” + </p> + <p> + “Perfectly, perfectly,” said he, “and I can only express my regret that + you should have mistaken my own mood, which, I am confident, was exactly + the thing his lordship might have felt.” + </p> + <p> + “I gladly accept your apology, sir,” I returned quickly, “as I should have + accepted his lordship’s had his manner permitted any misapprehension on my + part. And in return I wish to apologize most contritely for the phrase I + applied to you just after it happened, sir. I rarely use strong language, + but——” + </p> + <p> + “I remember hearing none,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “I regret to say, sir, that I called you a blighted little mug——” + </p> + <p> + “You needn’t have mentioned it,” he replied with just a trace of + sharpness, “and I trust that in future——” + </p> + <p> + “I am sure, sir, that in future you will give me no occasion to + misunderstand your intentions—no more than would his lordship,” I + added as he raised his brows. + </p> + <p> + Thus in a manner wholly unexpected was a frightful situation eased off. + </p> + <p> + “I’m so glad it’s settled!” cried Mrs. Effie, who had listened almost + breathlessly to our exchange. + </p> + <p> + “I fancy I settled it as Cradleigh would have—eh, Ruggles?” And the + man actually smiled at me. + </p> + <p> + “Entirely so, sir,” said I. + </p> + <p> + “If only it doesn’t get out,” said Mrs. Effie now. “We shouldn’t want it + known in Red Gap. Think of the talk!” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly,” rejoined Mr. Belknap-Jackson jauntily, “we are all here above + gossip about an affair of that sort. I am sure—” He broke off and + looked uneasily at Cousin Egbert, who coughed into his hand and looked out + over the lake before he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “What would I want to tell a thing like that for?” he demanded + indignantly, as if an accusation had been made against him. But I saw his + eyes glitter with an evil light. + </p> + <p> + An hour later I chanced to be with him in our detached hut, when the Mixer + entered. + </p> + <p> + “What happened?” she demanded. + </p> + <p> + “What do you reckon happened?” returned Cousin Egbert. “They get to + talking about Lord Ivy Craddles, or some guy, and before we know it Mr. + Belknap Hyphen Jackson is apologizing to Bill here.” + </p> + <p> + “No?” bellowed the Mixer. + </p> + <p> + “Sure did he!” affirmed Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + Here they grasped each other’s arms and did a rude native dance about the + room, nor did they desist when I sought to explain that the name was not + at all Ivy Craddles. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER SEVEN + </h2> + <p> + Now once more it seemed that for a time I might lead a sanely ordered + existence. Not for long did I hope it. I think I had become resigned to + the unending series of shocks that seemed to compose the daily life in + North America. Few had been my peaceful hours since that fatal evening in + Paris. And the shocks had become increasingly violent. When I tried to + picture what the next might be I found myself shuddering. For the present, + like a stag that has eluded the hounds but hears their distant baying, I + lay panting in momentary security, gathering breath for some new course. I + mean to say, one couldn’t tell what might happen next. Again and again I + found myself coming all over frightened. + </p> + <p> + Wholly restored I was now in the esteem of Mr. Belknap-Jackson, who never + tired of discussing with me our own life and people. Indeed he was quite + the most intelligent foreigner I had encountered. I may seem to exaggerate + in the American fashion, but I doubt if a single one of the others could + have named the counties of England or the present Lord Mayor of London. + Our host was not like that. Also he early gave me to know that he felt + quite as we do concerning the rebellion of our American colonies, holding + it a matter for the deepest regret; and justly proud he was of the + circumstance that at the time of that rebellion his own family had put all + possible obstacles in the way of the traitorous Washington. To be sure, I + dare say he may have boasted a bit in this. + </p> + <p> + It was during the long journey across America which we now set out upon + that I came to this sympathetic understanding of his character and of the + chagrin he constantly felt at being compelled to live among people with + whom he could have as little sympathy as I myself had. + </p> + <p> + This journey began pleasantly enough, and through the farming counties of + Philadelphia, Ohio, and Chicago was not without interest. Beyond came an + incredibly large region, much like the steppes of Siberia, I fancy: vast + uninhabited stretches of heath and down, with but here and there some rude + settlement about which the poor peasants would eagerly assemble as our + train passed through. I could not wonder that our own travellers have + always spoken so disparagingly of the American civilization. It is a + country that would never do with us. + </p> + <p> + Although we lived in this train a matter of nearly four days, I fancy not + a single person dressed for dinner as one would on shipboard. Even + Belknap-Jackson dined in a lounge-suit, though he wore gloves constantly + by day, which was more than I could get Cousin Egbert to do. + </p> + <p> + As we went ever farther over these leagues of fen and fell and rolling + veldt, I could but speculate unquietly as to what sort of place the Red + Gap must be. A residential town for gentlemen and families, I had + understood, with a little colony of people that really mattered, as I had + gathered from Mrs. Effie. And yet I was unable to divine their object in + going so far away to live. One goes to distant places for the winter + sports or for big game shooting, but this seemed rather grotesquely + perverse. + </p> + <p> + Little did I then dream of the spiritual agencies that were to insure my + gradual understanding of the town and its people. Unsuspectingly I fronted + a future so wildly improbable that no power could have made me credit it + had it then been foretold by the most rarely endowed gypsy. It is always + now with a sort of terror that I look back to those last moments before my + destiny had unfolded far enough to be actually alarming. I was as one + floating in fancied security down the calm river above their famous + Niagara Falls—to be presently dashed without warning over the + horrible verge. I mean to say, I never suspected. + </p> + <p> + Our last day of travel arrived. We were now in a roughened and most untidy + welter of mountain and jungle and glen, with violent tarns and bleak bits + of moorland that had all too evidently never known the calming touch of + the landscape gardener; a region, moreover, peopled by a much more lawless + appearing peasantry than I had observed back in the Chicago counties, + people for the most part quite wretchedly gotten up and distinctly of the + lower or working classes. + </p> + <p> + Late in the afternoon our train wound out of a narrow cutting and into a + valley that broadened away on every hand to distant mountains. Beyond + doubt this prospect could, in a loose way of speaking, be called scenery, + but of too violent a character it was for cultivated tastes. Then, as my + eye caught the vague outlines of a settlement or village in the midst of + this valley, Cousin Egbert, who also looked from, the coach window, amazed + me by crying out: + </p> + <p> + “There she is—little old Red Gap! The fastest growing town in the + State, if any one should ask you.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir; I’ll try to remember, sir,” I said, wondering why I should be + asked this. + </p> + <p> + “Garden spot of the world,” he added in a kind of ecstasy, to which I made + no response, for this was too preposterous. Nearing the place our train + passed an immense hoarding erected by the roadway, a score of feet high, I + should say, and at least a dozen times as long, upon which was emblazoned + in mammoth red letters on a black ground, “<i>Keep Your Eye on Red Gap!</i>” + At either end of this lettering was painted a gigantic staring human eye. + Regarding this monstrosity with startled interest, I heard myself + addressed by Belknap-Jackson: + </p> + <p> + “The sort of vulgarity I’m obliged to contend with,” said he, with a + contemptuous gesture toward the hoarding. Indeed the thing lacked + refinement in its diction, while the painted eyes were not Art in any true + sense of the word. “The work of our precious Chamber of Commerce,” he + added, “though I pleaded with them for days and days.” + </p> + <p> + “It’s a sort of thing would never do with us, sir,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “It’s what one has to expect from a commercialized bourgeoise,” he + returned bitterly. “And even our association, ‘The City Beautiful,’ of + which I was president, helped to erect the thing. Of course I resigned at + once.” + </p> + <p> + “Naturally, sir; the colours are atrocious.” + </p> + <p> + “And the words a mere blatant boast!” He groaned and left me, for we were + now well into a suburb of detached villas, many of them of a squalid + character, and presently we had halted at the station. About this bleak + affair was the usual gathering of peasantry and the common people, + villagers, agricultural labourers, and the like, and these at once showed + a tremendous interest in our party, many of them hailing various members + of us with a quite offensive familiarity. + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson, of course, bore himself through this with a proper + aloofness, as did his wife and Mrs. Effie, but I heard the Mixer booming + salutations right and left. It was Cousin Egbert, however, who most + embarrassed me by the freedom of his manner with these persons. He shook + hands warmly with at least a dozen of them and these hailed him with rude + shouts, dealt him smart blows on the back and, forming a circle about him, + escorted him to a carriage where Mrs. Effie and I awaited him. Here the + driver, a loutish and familiar youth, also seized his hand and, with some + crude effect of oratory, shouted to the crowd. + </p> + <p> + “What’s the matter with Sour-dough?” To this, with a flourish of their + impossible hats, they quickly responded in unison, + </p> + <p> + “He’s all right!” accenting the first word terrifically. + </p> + <p> + Then, to the immense relief of Mrs. Effie and myself, he was released and + we were driven quickly off from the raffish set. Through their Regent and + Bond streets we went, though I mean to say they were on an unbelievably + small or village scale, to an outlying region of detached villas that + doubtless would be their St. John’s Wood, but my efforts to observe + closely were distracted by the extraordinary freedom with which our driver + essayed to chat with us, saying he “guessed” we were glad to get back to + God’s country, and things of a similar intimate nature. This was even more + embarrassing to Mrs. Effie than it was to me, since she more than once + felt obliged to answer the fellow with a feigned cordiality. + </p> + <p> + Relieved I was when we drew up before the town house of the Flouds. Set + well back from the driveway in a faded stretch of common, it was of rather + a garbled architecture, with the Tudor, late Gothic, and French + Renaissance so intermixed that one was puzzled to separate the periods. + Nor was the result so vast as this might sound. Hardly would the thing + have made a wing of the manor house at Chaynes-Wotten. The common or small + park before it was shielded from the main thoroughfare by a fence of iron + palings, and back of this on either side of a gravelled walk that led to + the main entrance were two life-sized stags not badly sculptured from + metal. + </p> + <p> + Once inside I began to suspect that my position was going to be more than + a bit dicky. I mean to say, it was not an establishment in our sense of + the word, being staffed, apparently, by two China persons who performed + the functions of cook, housemaids, footmen, butler, and housekeeper. There + was not even a billiard room. + </p> + <p> + During the ensuing hour, marked by the arrival of our luggage and the + unpacking of boxes, I meditated profoundly over the difficulties of my + situation. In a wilderness, beyond the confines of civilization, I would + undoubtedly be compelled to endure the hardships of the pioneer; yet for + the present I resolved to let no inkling of my dismay escape. + </p> + <p> + The evening meal over—dinner in but the barest technical sense—I + sat alone in my own room, meditating thus darkly. Nor was I at all cheered + by the voice of Cousin Egbert, who sang in his own room adjoining. I had + found this to be a habit of his, and his songs are always dolorous to the + last degree. Now, for example, while life seemed all too black to me, he + sang a favourite of his, the pathetic ballad of two small children + evidently begging in a business thoroughfare: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Lone and weary through the streets we wander, + For we have no place to lay our head; + Not a friend is left on earth to shelter us, + For both our parents now are dead.” + </pre> + <p> + It was a fair crumpler in my then mood. It made me wish to be out of North + America—made me long for London; London with a yellow fog and its + greasy pavements, where one knew what to apprehend. I wanted him to stop, + but still he atrociously sang in his high, cracked voice: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Dear mother died when we were both young, + And father built for us a home, + But now he’s killed by falling timbers, + And we are left here all alone.” + </pre> + <p> + I dare say I should have rushed madly into the night had there been + another verse, but now he was still. A moment later, however, he entered + my room with the suggestion that I stroll about the village streets with + him, he having a mission to perform for Mrs. Effie. I had already heard + her confide this to him. He was to proceed to the office of their + newspaper and there leave with the press chap a notice of our arrival + which from day to day she had been composing on the train. + </p> + <p> + “I just got to leave this here piece for the <i>Recorder</i>,” he said; + “then we can sasshay up and down for a while and meet some of the boys.” + </p> + <p> + How profoundly may our whole destiny be affected by the mood of an idle + moment; by some superficial indecision, mere fruit of a transient unrest. + We lightly debate, we hesitate, we yawn, unconscious of the brink. We + half-heartedly decline a suggested course, then lightly accept from sheer + ennui, and “life,” as I have read in a quite meritorious poem, “is never + the same again.” It was thus I now toyed there with my fate in my hands, + as might a child have toyed with a bauble. I mean to say, I was looking + for nothing thick. + </p> + <p> + “She’s wrote a very fancy piece for that newspaper,” Cousin Egbert went + on, handing me the sheets of manuscript. Idly I glanced down the pages. + </p> + <p> + “Yesterday saw the return to Red Gap of Mrs. Senator James Knox Floud and + Egbert G. Floud from their extensive European tour,” it began. Farther I + caught vagrant lines, salient phrases: “—the well-known social + leader of our North Side set ... planning a series of entertainments for + the approaching social season that promise to eclipse all previous + gayeties of Red Gap’s smart set ... holding the reins of social leadership + with a firm grasp ... distinguished for her social graces and tact as a + hostess ... their palatial home on Ophir Avenue, the scene of so much of + the smart social life that has distinguished our beautiful city.” + </p> + <p> + It left me rather unmoved from my depression, even the concluding note: + “The Flouds are accompanied by their English manservant, secured through + the kind offices of the brother of his lordship Earl of Brinstead, the + well-known English peer, who will no doubt do much to impart to the coming + functions that air of smartness which distinguishes the highest social + circles of London, Paris, and other capitals of the great world of + fashion.” + </p> + <p> + “Some mess of words, that,” observed Cousin Egbert, and it did indeed seem + to be rather intimately phrased. + </p> + <p> + “Better come along with me,” he again urged. There was a moment’s fateful + silence, then, quite mechanically, I arose and prepared to accompany him. + In the hall below I handed him his evening stick and gloves, which he + absently took from me, and we presently traversed that street of houses + much in the fashion of the Floud house and nearly all boasting some + sculptured bit of wild life on their terraces. + </p> + <p> + It was a calm night of late summer; all Nature seemed at peace. I looked + aloft and reflected that the same stars were shining upon the civilization + I had left so far behind. As we walked I lost myself in musing pensively + upon this curious astronomical fact and upon the further vicissitudes to + which I would surely be exposed. I compared myself whimsically to an + explorer chap who has ventured among a tribe of natives and who must seem + to adopt their weird manners and customs to save himself from their + fanatic violence. + </p> + <p> + From this I was aroused by Cousin Egbert, who, with sudden dismay + regarding his stick and gloves, uttered a low cry of anguish and thrust + them into my hands before I had divined his purpose. + </p> + <p> + “You’ll have to tote them there things,” he swiftly explained. “I forgot + where I was.” I demurred sharply, but he would not listen. + </p> + <p> + “I didn’t mind it so much in Paris and Europe, where I ain’t so very well + known, but my good gosh! man, this is my home town. You’ll have to take + them. People won’t notice it in you so much, you being a foreigner, + anyway.” + </p> + <p> + Without further objection I wearily took them, finding a desperate + drollery in being regarded as a foreigner, whereas I was simply alone + among foreigners; but I knew that Cousin Egbert lacked the subtlety to + grasp this point of view and made no effort to lay it before him. It was + clear to me then, I think, that he would forever remain socially + impossible, though perhaps no bad sort from a mere human point of view. + </p> + <p> + We continued our stroll, turning presently from this residential avenue to + a street of small unlighted shops, and from this into a wider and + brilliantly lighted thoroughfare of larger shops, where my companion + presently began to greet native acquaintances. And now once more he + affected that fashion of presenting me to his friends that I had so + deplored in Paris. His own greeting made, he would call out heartily: + “Shake hands with my friend Colonel Ruggles!” Nor would he heed my + protests at this, so that in sheer desperation I presently ceased making + them, reflecting that after all we were encountering the street classes of + the town. + </p> + <p> + At a score of such casual meetings I was thus presented, for he seemed to + know quite almost every one and at times there would be a group of natives + about us on the pavement. Twice we went into “saloons,” as they rather + pretentiously style their public houses, where Cousin Egbert would stand + the drinks for all present, not omitting each time to present me formally + to the bar-man. In all these instances I was at once asked what I thought + of their town, which was at first rather embarrassing, as I was confident + that any frank disclosure of my opinion, being necessarily hurried, might + easily be misunderstood. I at length devised a conventional formula of + praise which, although feeling a frightful fool, I delivered each time + thereafter. + </p> + <p> + Thus we progressed the length of their commercial centre, the incidents + varying but little. + </p> + <p> + “Hello, Sour-dough, you old shellback! When did you come off the trail?” + </p> + <p> + “Just got in. My lands! but it’s good to be back. Billy, shake hands with + my friend Colonel Ruggles.” + </p> + <p> + I mean to say, the persons were not all named “Billy,” that being used + only by way of illustration. Sometimes they would be called “Doc” or + “Hank” or “Al” or “Chris.” Nor was my companion invariably called “shellback.” + “Horned-toad” and “Stinging-lizard” were also epithets much in favour with + his friends. + </p> + <p> + At the end of this street we at length paused before the office, as I saw, + of “The Red Gap <i>Recorder</i>; Daily and Weekly.” Cousin Egbert entered + here, but came out almost at once. + </p> + <p> + “Henshaw ain’t there, and she said I got to be sure and give him this here + piece personally; so come on. He’s up to a lawn-feet.” + </p> + <p> + “A social function, sir?” I asked. + </p> + <p> + “No; just a lawn-feet up in Judge Ballard’s front yard to raise money for + new uniforms for the band—that’s what the boy said in there.” + </p> + <p> + “But would it not be highly improper for me to appear there, sir?” I at + once objected. “I fear it’s not done, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Shucks!” he insisted, “don’t talk foolish that way. You’re a peach of a + little mixer all right. Come on! Everybody goes. They’ll even let me in. I + can give this here piece to Henshaw and then we’ll spend a little money to + help the band-boys along.” + </p> + <p> + My misgivings were by no means dispelled, yet as the affair seemed to be + public rather than smart, I allowed myself to be led on. + </p> + <p> + Into another street of residences we turned, and after a brisk walk I was + able to identify the “front yard” of which my companion had spoken. The + strains of an orchestra came to us and from the trees and shrubbery + gleamed the lights of paper lanterns. I could discern tents and marquees, + a throng of people moving among them. Nearer, I observed a refreshment + pavilion and a dancing platform. + </p> + <p> + Reaching the gate, Cousin Egbert paid for us an entrance fee of two + shillings to a young lady in gypsy costume whom he greeted cordially as + Beryl Mae, not omitting to present me to her as Colonel Ruggles. + </p> + <p> + We moved into the thick of the crowd. There was much laughter and hearty + speech, and it at once occurred to me that Cousin Egbert had been right: + it would not be an assemblage of people that mattered, but rather of small + tradesmen, artisans, tenant-farmers and the like with whom I could + properly mingle. + </p> + <p> + My companion was greeted by several of the throng, to whom he in turn + presented me, among them after a bit to a slight, reddish-bearded person + wearing thick nose-glasses whom I understood to be the pressman we were in + search of. Nervous of manner he was and preoccupied with a notebook in + which he frantically scribbled items from time to time. Yet no sooner was + I presented to him than he began a quizzing sort of conversation with me + that lasted near a half-hour, I should say. Very interested he seemed to + hear of my previous life, having in full measure that naïve curiosity + about one which Americans take so little pains to hide. Like the other + natives I had met that evening, he was especially concerned to know what I + thought of Red Gap. The chat was not at all unpleasant, as he seemed to be + a well-informed person, and it was not without regret that I noted the + approach of Cousin Egbert in company with a pleasant-faced, middle-aged + lady in Oriental garb, carrying a tambourine. + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Ballard, allow me to make you acquainted with my friend Colonel + Ruggles!” Thus Cousin Egbert performed his ceremony. The lady grasped my + hand with great cordiality. + </p> + <p> + “You men have monopolized the Colonel long enough,” she began with a large + coquetry that I found not unpleasing, and firmly grasping my arm she led + me off in the direction of the refreshment pavilion, where I was playfully + let to know that I should purchase her bits of refreshment, coffee, + plum-cake, an ice, things of that sort. Through it all she kept up a + running fire of banter, from time to time presenting me to other women + young and old who happened about us, all of whom betrayed an interest in + my personality that was not unflattering, even from this commoner sort of + the town’s people. + </p> + <p> + Nor would my new friend release me when she had refreshed herself, but had + it that I must dance with her. I had now to confess that I was unskilled + in the native American folk dances which I had observed being performed, + whereupon she briskly chided me for my backwardness, but commanded a valse + from the musicians, and this we danced together. + </p> + <p> + I may here say that I am not without a certain finesse on the + dancing-floor and I rather enjoyed the momentary abandon with this village + worthy. Indeed I had rather enjoyed the whole affair, though I felt that + my manner was gradually marking me as one apart from the natives; made + conscious I was of a more finished, a suaver formality in myself—the + Mrs. Ballard I had met came at length to be by way of tapping me + coquettishly with her tambourine in our lighter moments. Also my presence + increasingly drew attention, more and more of the village belles and + matrons demanding in their hearty way to be presented to me. Indeed the + society was vastly more enlivening, I reflected, than I had found it in a + similar walk of life at home. + </p> + <p> + Rather regretfully I left with Cousin Egbert, who found me at last in one + of the tents having my palm read by the gypsy young person who had taken + our fees at the gate. Of course I am aware that she was probably without + any real gifts for this science, as so few are who undertake it at charity + bazaars, yet she told me not a few things that were significant: that my + somewhat cold exterior and air of sternness were but a mask to shield a + too-impulsive nature; that I possessed great firmness of character and was + fond of Nature. She added peculiarly at the last “I see trouble ahead, but + you are not to be downcast—the skies will brighten.” + </p> + <p> + It was at this point that Cousin Egbert found me, and after he had warned + the young woman that I was “some mixer” we departed. Not until we had + reached the Floud home did he discover that he had quite forgotten to hand + the press-chap Mrs. Effie’s manuscript. + </p> + <p> + “Dog on the luck!” said he in his quaint tone of exasperation, “here I’ve + went and forgot to give Mrs. Effie’s piece to the editor.” He sighed + ruefully. “Well, to-morrow’s another day.” + </p> + <p> + And so the die was cast. To-morrow was indeed another day! + </p> + <p> + Yet I fell asleep on a memory of the evening that brought me a sort of + shamed pleasure—that I had falsely borne the stick and gloves of + Cousin Egbert. I knew they had given me rather an air. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER EIGHT + </h2> + <p> + I have never been able to recall the precise moment the next morning when + I began to feel a strange disquietude but the opening hours of the day + were marked by a series of occurrences slight in themselves yet so + cumulatively ominous that they seemed to lower above me like a cloud of + menace. + </p> + <p> + Looking from my window, shortly after the rising hour, I observed a paper + boy pass through the street, whistling a popular melody as he ran up to + toss folded journals into doorways. Something I cannot explain went + through me even then; some premonition of disaster slinking furtively + under my casual reflection that even in this remote wild the public press + was not unknown. + </p> + <p> + Half an hour later the telephone rang in a lower room and I heard Mrs. + Effie speak in answer. An unusual note in her voice caused me to listen + more attentively. I stepped outside my door. To some one she was + expressing amazement, doubt, and quick impatience which seemed to + culminate, after she had again, listened, in a piercing cry of + consternation. The term is not too strong. Evidently by the unknown + speaker she had been first puzzled, then startled, then horrified; and + now, as her anguished cry still rang in my ears, that snaky premonition of + evil again writhed across my consciousness. + </p> + <p> + Presently I heard the front door open and close. Peering into the hallway + below I saw that she had secured the newspaper I had seen dropped. Her own + door now closed upon her. I waited, listening intently. Something told me + that the incident was not closed. A brief interval elapsed and she was + again at the telephone, excitedly demanding to be put through to a number. + </p> + <p> + “Come at once!” I heard her cry. “It’s unspeakable! There isn’t a moment + to lose! Come as you are!” Hereupon, banging the receiver into its place + with frenzied roughness, she ran halfway up the stairs to shout: + </p> + <p> + “Egbert Floud! Egbert Floud! You march right down here this minute, sir!” + </p> + <p> + From his room I heard an alarmed response, and a moment later knew that he + had joined her. The door closed upon them, but high words reached me. + Mostly the words of Mrs. Effie they were, though I could detect muffled + retorts from the other. Wondering what this could portend, I noted from my + window some ten minutes later the hurried arrival of the C. + Belknap-Jacksons. The husband clenched a crumpled newspaper in one hand + and both he and his wife betrayed signs to the trained eye of having + performed hasty toilets for this early call. + </p> + <p> + As the door of the drawing-room closed upon them there ensued a terrific + outburst carrying a rich general effect of astounded rage. Some moments + the sinister chorus continued, then a door sharply opened and I heard my + own name cried out by Mrs. Effie in a tone that caused me to shudder. + Rapidly descending the stairs, I entered the room to face the excited + group. Cousin Egbert crouched on a sofa in a far corner like a hunted + beast, but the others were standing, and all glared at me furiously. + </p> + <p> + The ladies addressed me simultaneously, one of them, I believe, asking me + what I meant by it and the other demanding how dared I, which had the sole + effect of adding to my bewilderment, nor did the words of Cousin Egbert + diminish this. + </p> + <p> + “Hello, Bill!” he called, adding with a sort of timid bravado: “Don’t you + let ‘em bluff you, not for a minute!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, and it was probably all that wretched Cousin Egbert’s fault in the + first place,” snapped Mrs. Belknap-Jackson almost tearfully. + </p> + <p> + “Say, listen here, now; I don’t see as how I’ve done anything wrong,” he + feebly protested. “Bill’s human, ain’t he? Answer me that!” + </p> + <p> + “One sees it all!” This from Belknap-Jackson in bitter and judicial tones. + He flung out his hands at Cousin Egbert in a gesture of pitiless scorn. “I + dare say,” he continued, “that poor Ruggles was merely a tool in his hands—weak, + possibly, but not vicious.” + </p> + <p> + “May I inquire——” I made bold to begin, but Mrs. Effie shut me + off, brandishing the newspaper before me. + </p> + <p> + “Read it!” she commanded in hoarse, tragic tones. “There!” she added, + pointing at monstrous black headlines on the page as I weakly took it from + her. And then I saw. There before them, divining now the enormity of what + had come to pass, I controlled myself to master the following screed: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + RED GAP’S DISTINGUISHED VISITOR + + Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles of London and Paris, late of the + British army, bon-vivant and man of the world, is in our midst + for an indefinite stay, being at present the honoured house + guest of Senator and Mrs. James Knox Floud, who returned from + foreign parts on the 5:16 flyer yesterday afternoon. Colonel + Ruggles has long been intimately associated with the family + of his lordship the Earl of Brinstead, and especially with + his lordship’s brother, the Honourable George Augustus + Vane-Basingwell, with whom he has recently been sojourning + in la belle France. In a brief interview which the Colonel + genially accorded ye scribe, he expressed himself as delighted + with our thriving little city. + + “It’s somewhat a town—if I’ve caught your American slang,” + he said with a merry twinkle in his eyes. “You have the garden + spot of the West, if not of the civilized world, and your + people display a charm that must be, I dare say, typically + American. Altogether, I am enchanted with the wonders I have + beheld since landing at your New York, particularly with the + habit your best people have of roughing it in camps like that + of Mr. C. Belknap-Jackson among the mountains of New York, where + I was most pleasantly entertained by himself and his delightful + wife. The length of my stay among you is uncertain, though I + have been pressed by the Flouds, with whom I am stopping, and + by the C. Belknap-Jacksons to prolong it indefinitely, and in + fact to identify myself to an extent with your social life.” + + The Colonel is a man of distinguished appearance, with the + seasoned bearing of an old campaigner, and though at moments + he displays that cool reserve so typical of the English + gentleman, evidence was not lacking last evening that he can + unbend on occasion. At the lawn fête held in the spacious + grounds of Judge Ballard, where a myriad Japanese lanterns + made the scene a veritable fairyland, he was quite the most + sought-after notable present, and gayly tripped the light + fantastic toe with the élite of Red Gap’s smart set there + assembled. + + From his cordial manner of entering into the spirit of the + affair we predict that Colonel Ruggles will be a decided + acquisition to our social life, and we understand that a + series of recherché entertainments in his honour has already + been planned by Mrs. County Judge Ballard, who took the + distinguished guest under her wing the moment he appeared + last evening. Welcome to our city, Colonel! And may the warm + hearts of Red Gap cause you to forget that European world of + fashion of which you have long been so distinguished an + ornament! +</pre> + <p> + In a sickening silence I finished the thing. As the absurd sheet fell from + my nerveless fingers Mrs. Effie cried in a voice hoarse with emotion: + </p> + <p> + “Do you realize the dreadful thing you’ve done to us?” + </p> + <p> + Speechless I was with humiliation, unequal even to protesting that I had + said nothing of the sort to the press-chap. I mean to say, he had + wretchedly twisted my harmless words. + </p> + <p> + “Have you nothing to say for yourself?” demanded Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, + also in a voice hoarse with emotion. I glanced at her husband. He, too, + was pale with anger and trembling, so that I fancied he dared not trust + himself to speak. + </p> + <p> + “The wretched man,” declared Mrs. Effie, addressing them all, “simply + can’t realize—how disgraceful it is. Oh, we shall never be able to + live it down!” + </p> + <p> + “Imagine those flippant Spokane sheets dressing up the thing,” hissed + Belknap-Jackson, speaking for the first time. “Imagine their blackguardly + humour!” + </p> + <p> + “And that awful Cousin Egbert,” broke in Mrs. Effie, pointing a desperate + finger toward him. “Think of the laughing-stock he’ll become! Why, he’ll + simply never be able to hold up his head again.” + </p> + <p> + “Say, you listen here,” exclaimed Cousin Egbert with sudden heat; “never + you mind about my head. I always been able to hold up my head any time I + felt like it.” And again to me he threw out, “Don’t you let ‘em bluff you, + Bill!” + </p> + <p> + “I gave him a notice for the paper,” explained Mrs. Effie plaintively; + “I’d written it all nicely out to save them time in the office, and that + would have prevented this disgrace, but he never gave it in.” + </p> + <p> + “I clean forgot it,” declared the offender. “What with one thing and + another, and gassing back and forth with some o’ the boys, it kind of went + out o’ my head.” + </p> + <p> + “Meeting our best people—actually dancing with them!” murmured Mrs. + Belknap-Jackson in a voice vibrant with horror. “My dear, I truly am so + sorry for you.” + </p> + <p> + “You people entertained him delightfully at your camp,” murmured Mrs. + Effie quickly in her turn, with a gesture toward the journal. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, we’re both in it, I know. I know. It’s appalling!” + </p> + <p> + “We’ll never be able to live it down!” said Mrs. Effie. “We shall have to + go away somewhere.” + </p> + <p> + “Can’t you imagine what Jen’ Ballard will say when she learns the truth?” + asked the other bitterly. “Say we did it on purpose to humiliate her, and + just as all our little scraps were being smoothed out, so we could get + together and put that Bohemian set in its place. Oh, it’s so dreadful!” On + the verge of tears she seemed. + </p> + <p> + “And scarcely a word mentioned of our own return—when I’d taken such + pains with the notice!” + </p> + <p> + “Listen here!” said Cousin Egbert brightly. “I’ll take the piece down now + and he can print it in his paper for you to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + “You can’t understand,” she replied impatiently. “I casually mentioned our + having brought an English manservant. Print that now and insult all our + best people who received him!” + </p> + <p> + “Pathetic how little the poor chap understands,” sighed Belknap-Jackson. + “No sense at all of our plight—naturally, naturally!” + </p> + <p> + “‘A series of entertainments being planned in his honour!’” quavered Mrs. + Belknap-Jackson. + </p> + <p> + “‘The most sought-after notable present!’” echoed Mrs. Effie viciously. + </p> + <p> + Again and again I had essayed to protest my innocence, only to provoke + renewed outbursts. I could but stand there with what dignity I retained + and let them savage me. Cousin Egbert now spoke again: + </p> + <p> + “Shucks! What’s all the fuss? Just because I took Bill out and give him a + good time! Didn’t you say yourself in that there very piece that he’d + impart to coming functions an air of smartiness like they have all over + Europe? Didn’t you write them very words? And ain’t he already done it the + very first night he gets here, right at that there lawn-feet where I took + him? What for do you jump on me then? I took him and he done it; he done + it good. Bill’s a born mixer. Why, he had all them North Side society + dames stung the minute I flashed him; after him quicker than hell could + scorch a feather; run out from under their hats to get introduced to him—and + now you all turn on me like a passel of starved wolves.” He finished with + a note of genuine irritation I had never heard in his voice. + </p> + <p> + “The poor creature’s demented,” remarked Mrs. Belknap-Jackson pityingly. + </p> + <p> + “Always been that way,” said Mrs. Effie hopelessly. + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson contented himself with a mere clicking sound of + commiseration. + </p> + <p> + “All right, then, if you’re so smart,” continued Cousin Egbert. “Just the + same Bill, here, is the most popular thing in the whole Kulanche Valley + this minute, so all I got to say is if you want to play this here society + game you better stick close by him. First thing you know, some o’ them + other dames’ll have him won from you. That Mis’ Ballard’s going to invite + him to supper or dinner or some other doings right away. I heard her say + so.” + </p> + <p> + To my amazement a curious and prolonged silence greeted this amazing + tirade. The three at length were regarding each other almost furtively. + Belknap-Jackson began to pace the floor in deep thought. + </p> + <p> + “After all, no one knows except ourselves,” he said in curiously hushed + tones at last. + </p> + <p> + “Of course it’s one way out of a dreadful mess,” observed his wife. + </p> + <p> + “Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles of the British army,” said Mrs. Effie in a + peculiar tone, as if she were trying over a song. + </p> + <p> + “It may indeed be the best way out of an impossible situation,” continued + Belknap-Jackson musingly. “Otherwise we face a social upheaval that might + leave us demoralized for years—say nothing of making us a + laughingstock with the rabble. In fact, I see nothing else to be done.” + </p> + <p> + “Cousin Egbert would be sure to spoil it all again,” objected Mrs. Effie, + glaring at him. + </p> + <p> + “No danger,” returned the other with his superior smile. “Being quite + unable to realize what has happened, he will be equally unable to realize + what is going to happen. We may speak before him as before a babe in arms; + the amenities of the situation are forever beyond him.” + </p> + <p> + “I guess I always been able to hold up my head when I felt like it,” put + in Cousin Egbert, now again both sullen and puzzled. Once more he threw + out his encouragement to me: “Don’t let ‘em run any bluffs, Bill! They + can’t touch you, and they know it.” + </p> + <p> + “‘Touch him,’” murmured Mrs. Belknap-Jackson with an able sneer. “My dear, + what a trial he must have been to you. I never knew. He’s as bad as the + mater, actually.” + </p> + <p> + “And such hopes I had of him in Paris,” replied Mrs. Effie, “when he was + taking up Art and dressing for dinner and everything!” + </p> + <p> + “I can be pushed just so far!” muttered the offender darkly. + </p> + <p> + There was now a ring at the door which I took the liberty of answering, + and received two notes from a messenger. One bore the address of Mrs. + Floud and the other was quite astonishingly to myself, the name preceded + by “Colonel.” + </p> + <p> + “That’s Jen’ Ballard’s stationery!” cried Mrs. Belknap-Jackson. “Trust her + not to lose one second in getting busy!” + </p> + <p> + “But he mustn’t answer the door that way,” exclaimed her husband as I + handed Mrs. Effie her note. + </p> + <p> + They were indeed both from my acquaintance of the night before. Receiving + permission to read my own, I found it to be a dinner invitation for the + following Friday. Mrs. Effie looked up from hers. + </p> + <p> + “It’s all too true,” she announced grimly. “We’re asked to dinner and she + earnestly hopes dear Colonel Ruggles will have made no other engagement. + She also says hasn’t he the darlingest English accent. Oh, isn’t it a + mess!” + </p> + <p> + “You see how right I am,” said Belknap-Jackson. + </p> + <p> + “I guess we’ve got to go through with it,” conceded Mrs. Effie. + </p> + <p> + “The pushing thing that Ballard woman is!” observed her friend. + </p> + <p> + “Ruggles!” exclaimed Belknap-Jackson, addressing me with sudden decision. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Listen carefully—I’m quite serious. In future you will try to + address me as if I were your equal. Ah! rather you will try to address me + as if you were <i>my</i> equal. I dare say it will come to you easily + after a bit of practice. Your employers will wish you to address them in + the same manner. You will cultivate toward us a manner of easy + friendliness—remember I’m entirely serious—quite as if you + were one of us. You must try to be, in short, the Colonel Marmaduke + Ruggles that wretched penny-a-liner has foisted upon these innocent + people. We shall thus avert a most humiliating contretemps.” + </p> + <p> + The thing fair staggered me. I fell weakly into the chair by which I had + stood, for the first time in a not uneventful career feeling that my <i>savoir + faire</i> had been overtaxed. + </p> + <p> + “Quite right,” he went on. “Be seated as one of us,” and he amazingly + proffered me his cigarette case. “Do take one, old chap,” he insisted as I + weakly waved it away, and against my will I did so. “Dare say you’ll fancy + them—a non-throat cigarette especially prescribed for me.” He now + held a match so that I was obliged to smoke. Never have I been in less + humour for it. + </p> + <p> + “There, not so hard, is it? You see, we’re getting on famously.” + </p> + <p> + “Ain’t I always said Bill was a good mixer?” called Cousin Egbert, but his + gaucherie was pointedly ignored. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” continued Belknap-Jackson, “suppose you tell us in a chatty, + friendly way just what you think about this regrettable affair.” All sat + forward interestedly. + </p> + <p> + “But I met what I supposed were your villagers,” I said; “your small + tradesmen, your artisans, clerks, shop-assistants, tenant-farmers, and the + like, I’d no idea in the world they were your county families. Seemed + quite a bit too jolly for that. And your press-chap—preposterous, + quite! He quizzed me rather, I admit, but he made it vastly different. + Your pressmen are remarkable. That thing is a fair crumpler.” + </p> + <p> + “But surely,” put in Mrs. Effie, “you could see that Mrs. Judge Ballard + must be one of our best people.” + </p> + <p> + “I saw she was a goodish sort,” I explained, “but it never occurred to me + one would meet her in your best houses. And when she spoke of entertaining + me I fancied I might stroll by her cottage some fair day and be asked in + to a slice from one of her own loaves and a dish of tea. There was that + about her.” + </p> + <p> + “Mercy!” exclaimed both ladies, Mrs. Belknap-Jackson adding a bit + maliciously I thought, “Oh, don’t you awfully wish she could hear him say + it just that way?” + </p> + <p> + “As to the title,” I continued, “Mr. Egbert has from the first had a + curious American tendency to present me to his many friends as ‘Colonel.’ + I am sure he means as little by it as when he calls me ‘Bill,’ which I + have often reminded him is not a name of mine.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, we understand the poor chap is a social incompetent,” said + Belknap-Jackson with a despairing shrug. + </p> + <p> + “Say, look here,” suddenly exclaimed Cousin Egbert, a new heat in his + tone, “what I call Bill ain’t a marker to what I call you when I really + get going. You ought to hear me some day when I’m feeling right!” + </p> + <p> + “Really!” exclaimed the other with elaborate sarcasm. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir. Surest thing you know. I could call you a lot of good things + right now if so many ladies wasn’t around. You don’t think I’d be afraid, + do you? Why, Bill there had you licked with one wallop.” + </p> + <p> + “But really, really!” protested the other with a helpless shrug to the + ladies, who were gasping with dismay. + </p> + <p> + “You ruffian!” cried his wife. + </p> + <p> + “Egbert Floud,” said Mrs. Effie fiercely, “you will apologize to Charles + before you leave this room. The idea of forgetting yourself that way. + Apologize at once!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, very well,” he grumbled, “I apologize like I’m made to.” But he added + quickly with even more irritation, “only don’t you get the idea it’s + because I’m afraid of you.” + </p> + <p> + “Tush, tush!” said Belknap-Jackson. + </p> + <p> + “No, sir; I apologize, but it ain’t for one minute because I’m afraid of + you.” + </p> + <p> + “Your bare apology is ample; I’m bound to accept it,” replied the other, a + bit uneasily I thought. + </p> + <p> + “Come right down to it,” continued Cousin Egbert, “I ain’t afraid of + hardly any person. I can be pushed just so far.” Here he looked + significantly at Mrs. Effie. + </p> + <p> + “After all I’ve tried to do for him!” she moaned. “I thought he had + something in him.” + </p> + <p> + “Darn it all, I like to be friendly with my friends,” he bluntly + persisted. “I call a man anything that suits me. And I ain’t ever + apologized yet because I was afraid. I want all parties here to get that.” + </p> + <p> + “Say no more, please. It’s quite understood,” said Belknap-Jackson + hastily. The other subsided into low mutterings. + </p> + <p> + “I trust you fully understand the situation, Ruggles—Colonel + Ruggles,” he continued to me. + </p> + <p> + “It’s preposterous, but plain as a pillar-box,” I answered. “I can only + regret it as keenly as any right-minded person should. It’s not at all + what I’ve been accustomed to.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well. Then I suggest that you accompany me for a drive this + afternoon. I’ll call for you with the trap, say at three.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps,” suggested his wife, “it might be as well if Colonel Ruggles + were to come to us as a guest.” She was regarding me with a gaze that was + frankly speculative. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, not at all, not at all!” retorted Mrs. Effie crisply. “Having been + announced as our house guest—never do in the world for him to go to + you so soon. We must be careful in this. Later, perhaps, my dear.” + </p> + <p> + Briefly the ladies measured each other with a glance. Could it be, I asked + myself, that they were sparring for the possession of me? + </p> + <p> + “Naturally he will be asked about everywhere, and there’ll be loads of + entertaining to do in return.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course,” returned Mrs. Effie, “and I’d never think of putting it off + on to you, dear, when we’re wholly to blame for the awful thing.” + </p> + <p> + “That’s so thoughtful of you, dear,” replied her friend coldly. + </p> + <p> + “At three, then,” said Belknap-Jackson as we arose. + </p> + <p> + “I shall be delighted,” I murmured. + </p> + <p> + “I bet you won’t,” said Cousin Egbert sourly. “He wants to show you off.” + This, I could see, was ignored as a sheer indecency. + </p> + <p> + “We shall have to get a reception in quick,” said Mrs. Effie, her eyes + narrowed in calculation. + </p> + <p> + “I don’t see what all the fuss was about,” remarked Cousin Egbert again, + as if to himself; “tearing me to pieces like a passel of wolves!” + </p> + <p> + The Belknap-Jacksons left hastily, not deigning him a glance. And to do + the poor soul justice, I believe he did not at all know what the “fuss” + had been about. The niceties of the situation were beyond him, dear old + sort though he had shown himself to be. I knew then I was never again to + be harsh with him, let him dress as he would. + </p> + <p> + “Say,” he asked, the moment we were alone, “you remember that thing you + called him back there that night—‘blighted little mug,’ was it?” + </p> + <p> + “It’s best forgotten, sir,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, some way it sounded just the thing to call him. It sounded + bully. What does it mean?” + </p> + <p> + So far was his darkened mind from comprehending that I, in a foreign land, + among a weird people, must now have a go at being a gentleman; and that if + I fluffed my catch we should all be gossipped to rags! + </p> + <p> + Alone in my room I made a hasty inventory of my wardrobe. Thanks to the + circumstance that the Honourable George, despite my warning, had for + several years refused to bant, it was rather well stocked. The evening + clothes were irreproachable; so were the frock coat and a morning suit. Of + waistcoats there were a number showing but slight wear. The three + lounge-suits of tweed, though slightly demoded, would still be vogue in + this remote spot. For sticks, gloves, cravats, and body-linen I saw that I + should be compelled to levy on the store I had laid in for Cousin Egbert, + and I happily discovered that his top-hat set me quite effectively. + </p> + <p> + Also in a casket of trifles that had knocked about in my box I had the + good fortune to find the monocle that the Honourable George had discarded + some years before on the ground that it was “bally nonsense.” I screwed + the glass into my eye. The effect was tremendous. + </p> + <p> + Rather a lark I might have thought it but for the false military title. + That was rank deception, and I have always regarded any sort of wrongdoing + as detestable. Perhaps if he had introduced me as a mere subaltern in a + line regiment—but I was powerless. + </p> + <p> + For the afternoon’s drive I chose the smartest of the lounge-suits, a + Carlsbad hat which Cousin Egbert had bitterly resented for himself, and + for top-coat a light weight, straight-hanging Chesterfield with velvet + collar which, although the cut studiously avoids a fitted effect, is yet a + garment that intrigues the eye when carried with any distinction. So many + top-coats are but mere wrappings! I had, too, gloves of a delicately + contrasting tint. + </p> + <p> + Altogether I felt I had turned myself out well, and this I found to be the + verdict of Mrs. Effie, who engaged me in the hall to say that I was to + have anything in the way of equipment I liked to ask for. Belknap-Jackson + also, arriving now in a smart trap to which he drove two cobs tandem, was + at once impressed and made me compliments upon my tenue. I was aware that + I appeared not badly beside him. I mean to say, I felt that I was vogue in + the finest sense of the word. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Effie waved us a farewell from the doorway, and I was conscious that + from several houses on either side of the avenue we attracted more than a + bit of attention. There were doors opened, blinds pushed aside, faces—that + sort of thing. + </p> + <p> + At a leisurely pace we progressed through the main thoroughfares. That we + created a sensation, especially along the commercial streets, where my + host halted at shops to order goods, cannot be denied. Furore is perhaps + the word. I mean to say, almost quite every one stared. Rather more like a + parade it was than I could have wished, but I was again resolved to be a + dead sportsman. + </p> + <p> + Among those who saluted us from time to time were several of the lesser + townsmen to whom Cousin Egbert had presented me the evening before, and I + now perceived that most of these were truly persons I must not know in my + present station—hodmen, road-menders, grooms, delivery-chaps, that + sort. In responding to the often florid salutations of such, I instilled + into my barely perceptible nod a certain frigidity that I trusted might be + informing. I mean to say, having now a position to keep up, it would never + do at all to chatter and pal about loosely as Cousin Egbert did. + </p> + <p> + When we had done a fairish number of streets, both of shops and villas, we + drove out a winding roadway along a tarn to the country club. The house + was an unpretentious structure of native wood, fronting a couple of tennis + courts and a golf links, but although it was tea-time, not a soul was + present. Having unlocked the door, my host suggested refreshment and I + consented to partake of a glass of sherry and a biscuit. But these, it + seemed, were not to be had; so over pegs of ginger ale, found in an + ice-chest, we sat for a time and chatted. + </p> + <p> + “You will find us crude, Ruggles, as I warned you,” my host observed. + “Take this deserted clubhouse at this hour. It tells the story. Take again + the matter of sherry and a biscuit—so simple! Yet no one ever thinks + of them, and what you mean by a biscuit is in this wretched hole spoken of + as a cracker.” + </p> + <p> + I thanked him for the item, resolving to add it to my list of curious + Americanisms. Already I had begun a narrative of my adventures in this + wild land, a thing I had tentatively entitled, “Alone in North America.” + </p> + <p> + “Though we have people in abundance of ample means,” he went on, “you will + regret to know that we have not achieved a leisured class. Barely once in + a fortnight will you see this club patronized, after all the pains I took + in its organization. They simply haven’t evolved to the idea yet; + sometimes I have moments in which I despair of their ever doing so.” + </p> + <p> + As usual he grew depressed when speaking of social Red Gap, so that we did + not tarry long in the silent place that should have been quite alive with + people smartly having their tea. As we drove back he touched briefly and + with all delicacy on our changed relations. + </p> + <p> + “What made me only too glad to consent to it,” he said, “is the sodden + depravity of that Floud chap. Really he’s a menace to the community. I saw + from the degenerate leer on his face this morning that he will not be able + to keep silent about that little affair of ours back there. Mark my words, + he’ll talk. And fancy how embarrassing had you continued in the office for + which you were engaged. Fancy it being known I had been assaulted by a—you + see what I mean. But now, let him talk his vilest. What is it? A mere + disagreement between two gentlemen, generous, hot-tempered chaps, followed + by mutual apologies. A mere nothing!” + </p> + <p> + I was conscious of more than a little irritation at his manner of speaking + of Cousin Egbert, but this in my new character I could hardly betray. + </p> + <p> + When he set me down at the Floud house, “Thanks for the breeze-out,” I + said; then, with an easy wave of the hand and in firm tones, “Good day, + Jackson! See you again, old chap!” + </p> + <p> + I had nerved myself to it as to an icy tub and was rewarded by a glow such + as had suffused me that morning in Paris after the shameful proceedings + with Cousin Egbert and the Indian Tuttle. I mean to say, I felt again that + wonderful thrill of equality—quite as if my superiors were not all + about me. + </p> + <p> + Inside the house Mrs. Effie addressed the last of a heap of invitations + for an early reception—“To meet Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles,” they + read. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER NINE + </h2> + <p> + Of the following fortnight I find it difficult to write coherently. I + found myself in a steady whirl of receptions, luncheons, dinners, teas, + and assemblies of rather a pretentious character, at the greater number of + which I was obliged to appear as the guest of honour. It began with the + reception of Mrs. Floud, at which I may be said to have made my first + formal bow to the smarter element of Red Gap, followed by the dinner of + the Mrs. Ballard, with whom I had formed acquaintance on that first + memorable evening. + </p> + <p> + I was during this time like a babe at blind play with a set of chess men, + not knowing king from pawn nor one rule of the game. Senator Floud—who + was but a member of their provincial assembly, I discovered—sought + an early opportunity to felicitate me on my changed estate, though he + seemed not a little amused by it. + </p> + <p> + “Good work!” he said. “You know I was afraid our having an English valet + would put me in bad with the voters this fall. They’re already saying I + wear silk stockings since I’ve been abroad. My wife did buy me six pair, + but I’ve never worn any. Shows how people talk, though. And even now + they’ll probably say I’m making up to the British army. But it’s better + than having a valet in the house. The plain people would never stand my + having a valet and I know it.” + </p> + <p> + I thought this most remarkable, that his constituency should resent his + having proper house service. American politics were, then, more debased + than even we of England had dreamed. + </p> + <p> + “Good work!” he said again. “And say, take out your papers—become + one of us. Be a citizen. Nothing better than an American citizen on God’s + green earth. Read the Declaration of Independence. Here——” + From a bookcase at his hand he reached me a volume. “Read and reflect, my + man! Become a citizen of a country where true worth has always its chance + and one may hope to climb to any heights whatsoever.” Quite like an + advertisement he talked, but I read their so-called Declaration, finding + it snarky in the extreme and with no end of silly rot about equality. In + no way at all did it solve the problems by which I had been so suddenly + confronted. + </p> + <p> + Social lines in the town seemed to have been drawn by no rule whatever. + There were actually tradesmen who seemed to matter enormously; on the + other hand, there were those of undoubted qualifications, like Mrs. + Pettengill, for example, and Cousin Egbert, who deliberately chose not to + matter, and mingled as freely with the Bohemian set as they did with the + county families. Thus one could never be quite certain whom one was + meeting. There was the Tuttle person. I had learned from Mrs. Effie in + Paris that he was an Indian (accounting for much that was startling in his + behaviour there) yet despite his being an aborigine I now learned that his + was one of the county families and he and his white American wife were + guests at that first dinner. Throughout the meal both Cousin Egbert and he + winked atrociously at me whenever they could catch my eye. + </p> + <p> + There was, again, an English person calling himself Hobbs, a baker, to + whom Cousin Egbert presented me, full of delight at the idea that as + compatriots we were bound to be congenial. Yet it needed only a glance and + a moment’s listening to the fellow’s execrable cockney dialect to perceive + that he was distinctly low-class, and I was immensely relieved, upon + inquiry, to learn that he affiliated only with the Bohemian set. I felt a + marked antagonism between us at that first meeting; the fellow eyed me + with frank suspicion and displayed a taste for low chaffing which I felt + bound to rebuke. He it was, I may now disclose, who later began a fashion + of referring to me as “Lord Algy,” which I found in the worst possible + taste. “Sets himself up for a gentleman, does he? He ain’t no more a + gentleman than wot I be!” This speech of his reported to me will show how + impossible the creature was. He was simply a person one does not know, and + I was not long in letting him see it. + </p> + <p> + And there was the woman who was to play so active a part in my later + history, of whom it will be well to speak at once. I had remarked her on + the main street before I knew her identity. I am bound to say she stood + out from the other women of Red Gap by reason of a certain dash, not to + say beauty. Rather above medium height and of pleasingly full figure, her + face was piquantly alert, with long-lashed eyes of a peculiar green, a + small nose, the least bit raised, a lifted chin, and an abundance of + yellowish hair. But it was the expertness of her gowning that really held + my attention at that first view, and the fact that she knew what to put on + her head. For the most part, the ladies I had met were well enough gotten + up yet looked curiously all wrong, lacking a genius for harmony of detail. + </p> + <p> + This person, I repeat, displayed a taste that was faultless, a knowledge + of the peculiar needs of her face and figure that was unimpeachable. + Rather with regret it was I found her to be a Mrs. Kenner, the leader of + the Bohemian set. And then came the further items that marked her as one + that could not be taken up. Perhaps a summary of these may be conveyed + when I say that she had long been known as Klondike Kate. She had some + years before, it seemed, been a dancing person in the far Alaska north and + had there married the proprietor of one of the resorts in which she + disported herself—a man who had accumulated a very sizable fortune + in his public house and who was shot to death by one of his patrons who + had alleged unfairness in a game of chance. The widow had then purchased a + townhouse in Red Gap and had quickly gathered about her what was known as + the Bohemian set, the county families, of course, refusing to know her. + </p> + <p> + After that first brief study of her I could more easily account for the + undercurrents of bitterness I had felt in Red Gap society. She would be, I + saw, a dangerous woman in any situation where she was opposed; there was + that about her—a sort of daring disregard of the established social + order. I was not surprised to learn that the men of the community strongly + favoured her, especially the younger dancing set who were not restrained + by domestic considerations. Small wonder then that the women of the “old + noblesse,” as I may call them, were outspokenly bitter in their comments + upon her. This I discovered when I attended an afternoon meeting of the + ladies’ “Onwards and Upwards Club,” which, I had been told, would be + devoted to a study of the English Lake poets, and where, it having been + discovered that I read rather well, I had consented to favour the assembly + with some of the more significant bits from these bards. The meeting, I + regret to say, after a formal enough opening was diverted from its + original purpose, the time being occupied in a quite heated discussion of + a so-called “Dutch Supper” the Klondike person had given the evening + before, the same having been attended, it seemed, by the husbands of at + least three of those present, who had gone incognito, as it were. At no + time during the ensuing two hours was there a moment that seemed opportune + for the introduction of some of our noblest verse. + </p> + <p> + And so, by often painful stages, did my education progress. At the country + club I played golf with Mr. Jackson. At social affairs I appeared with the + Flouds. I played bridge. I danced the more dignified dances. And, though + there was no proper church in the town—only dissenting chapels, + Methodist, Presbyterian, and such outlandish persuasions—I attended + services each Sabbath, and more than once had tea with what at home would + have been the vicar of the parish. + </p> + <p> + It was now, when I had begun to feel a bit at ease in my queer foreign + environment, that Mr. Belknap-Jackson broached his ill-starred plan for + amateur theatricals. At the first suggestion of this I was immensely taken + with the idea, suspecting that he would perhaps present “Hamlet,” a part + to which I have devoted long and intelligent study and to which I feel + that I could bring something which has not yet been imparted to it by even + the most skilled of our professional actors. But at my suggestion of this + Mr. Belknap-Jackson informed me that he had already played Hamlet himself + the year before, leaving nothing further to be done in that direction, and + he wished now to attempt something more difficult; something, moreover, + that would appeal to the little group of thinking people about us—he + would have “a little theatre of ideas,” as he phrased it—and he had + chosen for his first offering a play entitled “Ghosts” by the foreign + dramatist Ibsen. + </p> + <p> + I suspected at first that this might be a farce where a supposititious + ghost brings about absurd predicaments in a country house, having seen + something along these lines, but a reading of the thing enlightened me as + to its character, which, to put it bluntly, is rather thick. There is a + strain of immorality running through it which I believe cannot be too + strongly condemned if the world is to be made better, and this is rendered + the more repugnant to right-thinking people by the fact that the + participants are middle-class persons who converse in quite commonplace + language such as one may hear any day in the home. + </p> + <p> + Wrongdoing is surely never so objectionable as when it is indulged in by + common people and talked about in ordinary language, and the language of + this play is not stage language at all. Immorality such as one gets in + Shakespeare is of so elevated a character that one accepts it, the + language having a grandeur incomparably above what any person was ever + capable of in private life, being always elegant and unnatural. + </p> + <p> + Though I felt this strongly, I was in no position to urge my objections, + and at length consented to take a part in the production, reflecting that + the people depicted were really foreigners and the part I would play was + that of a clergyman whose behaviour throughout is above reproach. For + himself Mr. Jackson had chosen the part of Oswald, a youth who goes quite + dotty at the last for reasons which are better not talked about. His wife + was to play the part of a serving-maid, who was rather a baggage, while + Mrs. Judge Ballard was to enact his mother. (I may say in passing I have + learned that the plays of this foreigner are largely concerned with people + who have been queer at one time or another, so that one’s parentage is + often uncertain, though they always pay for it by going off in the head + before the final curtain. I mean to say, there is too much neighbourhood + scandal in them.) + </p> + <p> + There remained but one part to fill, that of the father of the + serving-maid, an uncouth sort of drinking-man, quite low-class, who, in my + opinion, should never have been allowed on the stage at all, since no + moral lesson is taught by him. It was in the casting of this part that Mr. + Jackson showed himself of a forgiving nature. He offered it to Cousin + Egbert, saying he was the true “type”—“with his weak, dissolute + face”—and that “types” were all the rage in theatricals. + </p> + <p> + At first the latter heatedly declined the honour, but after being urged + and browbeaten for three days by Mrs. Effie he somewhat sullenly + consented, being shown that there were not many lines for him to learn. + From the first, I think, he was rendered quite miserable by the ordeal + before him, yet he submitted to the rehearsals with a rather pathetic + desire to please, and for a time all seemed well. Many an hour found him + mugging away at the book, earnestly striving to memorize the part, or, as + he quaintly expressed it, “that there piece they want me to speak.” But as + the day of our performance drew near it became evident to me, at least, + that he was in a desperately black state of mind. As best I could I + cheered him with words of praise, but his eye met mine blankly at such + times and I could see him shudder poignantly while waiting the moment of + his entrance. + </p> + <p> + And still all might have been well, I fancy, but for the extremely + conscientious views of Mr. Jackson in the matter of our costuming and + make-up. With his lines fairly learned, Cousin Egbert on the night of our + dress rehearsal was called upon first to don the garb of the foreign + carpenter he was to enact, the same involving shorts and gray woollen hose + to his knees, at which he protested violently. So far as I could gather, + his modesty was affronted by this revelation of his lower legs. Being at + length persuaded to this sacrifice, he next submitted his face to Mr. + Jackson, who adjusted it to a labouring person’s beard and eyebrows, + crimsoning the cheeks and nose heavily with grease-paint and crowning all + with an unkempt wig. + </p> + <p> + The result, I am bound to say, was artistic in the extreme. No one would + have suspected the identity of Cousin Egbert, and I had hopes that he + would feel a new courage for his part when he beheld himself. Instead, + however, after one quick glance into the glass he emitted a gasp of horror + that was most eloquent, and thereafter refused to be comforted, holding + himself aloof and glaring hideously at all who approached him. Rather like + a mad dog he was. + </p> + <p> + Half an hour later, when all was ready for our first act, Cousin Egbert + was not to be found. I need not dwell upon the annoyance this occasioned, + nor upon how a substitute in the person of our hall’s custodian, or + janitor, was impressed to read the part. Suffice it to tell briefly that + Cousin Egbert, costumed and bedizened as he was, had fled not only the + theatre but the town as well. Search for him on the morrow was unavailing. + Not until the second day did it become known that he had been seen at + daybreak forty miles from Red Gap, goading a spent horse into the wilds of + the adjacent mountains. Our informant disclosed that one side of his face + was still bearded and that he had kept glancing back over his shoulder at + frequent intervals, as if fearful of pursuit. Something of his frantic + state may also be gleaned from the circumstance that the horse he rode was + one he had found hitched in a side street near the hall, its ownership + being unknown to him. + </p> + <p> + For the rest it may be said that our performance was given as scheduled, + announcement being made of the sudden illness of Mr. Egbert Floud, and his + part being read from the book in a rich and cultivated voice by the + superintendent of the high school. Our efforts were received with + respectful attention by a large audience, among whom I noted many of the + Bohemian set, and this I took as an especial tribute to our merits. Mr. + Belknap-Jackson, however, to whom I mentioned the circumstance, was + pessimistic. + </p> + <p> + “I fear,” said he, “we have not heard the last of it. I am sure they came + for no good purpose.” + </p> + <p> + “They were quite orderly in their behaviour,” I suggested + </p> + <p> + “Which is why I suspect them. That Kenner woman, Hobbs, the baker, the + others of their set—they’re not thinking people; I dare say they + never consider social problems seriously. And you may have noticed that + they announce an amateur minstrel performance for a week hence. I’m quite + convinced that they mean to be vulgar to the last extreme—there has + been so much talk of the behaviour of the wretched Floud, a fellow who + really has no place in our modern civilization. He should be compelled to + remain on his ranche.” + </p> + <p> + And indeed these suspicions proved to be only too well founded. That which + followed was so atrociously personal that in any country but America we + could have had an action against them. As Mr. Belknap-Jackson so bitterly + said when all was over, “Our boasted liberty has degenerated into + license.” + </p> + <p> + It is best told in a few words, this affair of the minstrel performance, + which I understood was to be an entertainment wherein the participants + darkened themselves to resemble blackamoors. Naturally, I did not attend, + it being agreed that the best people should signify their disapproval by + staying away, but the disgraceful affair was recounted to me in all its + details by more than one of the large audience that assembled. In the + so-called “grand first part” there seemed to have been little that was + flagrantly insulting to us, although in their exchange of conundrums, + which is a peculiar feature of this form of entertainment, certain names + were bandied about with a freedom that boded no good. + </p> + <p> + It was in the after-piece that the poltroons gave free play to their + vilest fancies. Our piece having been announced as “Ghosts; a Drama for + Thinking People,” this part was entitled on their programme, “Gloats; a + Dram for Drinking People,” a transposition that should perhaps suffice to + show the dreadful lengths to which they went; yet I feel that the thing + should be set down in full. + </p> + <p> + The stage was set as our own had been, but it would scarce be credited + that the Kenner woman in male attire had made herself up in a curiously + accurate resemblance to Belknap-Jackson as he had rendered the part of + Oswald, copying not alone his wig, moustache, and fashion of speech, but + appearing in a golfing suit which was recognized by those present as + actually belonging to him. + </p> + <p> + Nor was this the worst, for the fellow Hobbs had copied my own dress and + make-up and persisted in speaking in an exaggerated manner alleged to + resemble mine. This, of course, was the most shocking bad taste, and while + it was quite to have been expected of Hobbs, I was indeed rather surprised + that the entire assembly did not leave the auditorium in disgust the + moment they perceived his base intention. But it was Cousin Egbert whom + they had chosen to rag most unmercifully, and they were not long in + displaying their clumsy attempts at humour. + </p> + <p> + As the curtain went up they were searching for him, affecting to be + unconscious of the presence of their audience, and declaring that the play + couldn’t go on without him. “Have you tried all the saloons?” asked one, + to which another responded, “Yes, and he’s been in all of them, but now he + has fled. The sheriff has put bloodhounds on his trail and promises to + have him here, dead or alive.” + </p> + <p> + “Then while we are waiting,” declared the character supposed to represent + myself, “I will tell you a wheeze,” whereupon both the female characters + fell to their knees shrieking, “Not that! My God, not that!” while Oswald + sneered viciously and muttered, “Serves me right for leaving Boston.” + </p> + <p> + To show the infamy of the thing, I must here explain that at several + social gatherings, in an effort which I still believe was praiseworthy, I + had told an excellent wheeze which runs: “Have you heard the story of the + three holes in the ground?” I mean to say, I would ask this in an + interested manner, as if I were about to relate the anecdote, and upon + being answered “No!” I would exclaim with mock seriousness, “Well! Well! + Well!” This had gone rippingly almost quite every time I had favoured a + company with it, hardly any one of my hearers failing to get the joke at a + second telling. I mean to say, the three holes in the ground being three + “Wells!” uttered in rapid succession. + </p> + <p> + Of course if one doesn’t see it at once, or finds it a bit subtle, it’s + quite silly to attempt to explain it, because logically there is no + adequate explanation. It is merely a bit of nonsense, and that’s quite all + to it. But these boors now fell upon it with their coarse humour, the + fellow Hobbs pretending to get it all wrong by asking if they had heard + the story about the three wells and the others replying: “No, tell us the + hole thing,” which made utter nonsense of it, whereupon they all began to + cry, “Well! well! well!” at each other until interrupted by a terrific + noise in the wings, which was followed by the entrance of the supposed + Cousin Egbert, a part enacted by the cab-driver who had conveyed us from + the station the day of our arrival. Dragged on he was by the sheriff and + two of the town constables, the latter being armed with fowling-pieces and + the sheriff holding two large dogs in leash. The character himself was + heavily manacled and madly rattled his chains, his face being disguised to + resemble Cousin Egbert’s after the beard had been adjusted. + </p> + <p> + “Here he is!” exclaimed the supposed sheriff; “the dogs ran him into the + third hole left by the well-diggers, and we lured him out by making a + noise like sour dough.” During this speech, I am told, the character + snarled continuously and tried to bite his captors. At this the woman, who + had so deplorably unsexed herself for the character of Mr. Belknap-Jackson + as he had played Oswald, approached the prisoner and smartly drew forth a + handful of his beard which she stuffed into a pipe and proceeded to smoke, + after which they pretended that the play went on. But no more than a few + speeches had been uttered when the supposed Cousin Egbert eluded his + captors and, emitting a loud shriek of horror, leaped headlong through the + window at the back of the stage, his disappearance being followed by the + sounds of breaking glass as he was supposed to fall to the street below. + </p> + <p> + “How lovely!” exclaimed the mimic Oswald. “Perhaps he has broken both his + legs so he can’t run off any more,” at which the fellow Hobbs remarked in + his affected tones: “That sort of thing would never do with us.” + </p> + <p> + This I learned aroused much laughter, the idea being that the remark had + been one which I am supposed to make in private life, though I dare say I + have never uttered anything remotely like it. + </p> + <p> + “The fellow is quite impossible,” continued the spurious Oswald, with a + doubtless rather clever imitation of Mr. Belknap-Jackson’s manner. “If he + is killed, feed him to the goldfish and let one of the dogs read his part. + We must get along with this play. Now, then. ‘Ah! why did I ever leave + Boston where every one is nice and proper?’” To which his supposed mother + replied with feigned emotion: “It was because of your father, my poor boy. + Ah, what I had to endure through those years when he cursed and spoke + disrespectfully of our city. ‘Scissors and white aprons,’ he would cry + out, ‘Why is Boston?’ But I bore it all for your sake, and now you, too, + are smoking—you will go the same way.” + </p> + <p> + “But promise me, mother,” returns Oswald, “promise me if I ever get dusty + in the garret, that Lord Algy here will tell me one of his funny wheezes + and put me out of pain. You could not bear to hear me knocking Boston as + poor father did. And I feel it coming—already my mother-in-law has + bluffed me into admitting that Red Gap has a right to be on the same map + with Boston if it’s a big map.” + </p> + <p> + And this was the coarsely wretched buffoonery that refined people were + expected to sit through! Yet worse followed, for at their climax, the + mimic Oswald having gone quite off his head, the Hobbs person, still with + the preposterous affectation of taking me off in speech and manner, was + persuaded by the stricken mother to sing. “Sing that dear old plantation + melody from London,” she cried, “so that my poor boy may know there are + worse things than death.” And all this witless piffle because of a quite + natural misunderstanding of mine. + </p> + <p> + I have before referred to what I supposed was an American plantation + melody which I had heard a black sing at Brighton, meaning one of the + English blacks who colour themselves for the purpose, but on reciting the + lines at an evening affair, when the American folksongs were under + discussion, I was told that it could hardly have been written by an + American at all, but doubtless by one of our own composers who had taken + too little trouble with his facts. I mean to say, the song as I had it, + betrayed misapprehensions both of a geographical and faunal nature, but I + am certain that no one thought the worse of me for having been deceived, + and I had supposed the thing forgotten. Yet now what did I hear but that a + garbled version of this song had been supposedly sung by myself, the Hobbs + person meantime mincing across the stage and gesturing with a monocle + which he had somehow procured, the words being quite simply: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Away down south in Michigan, + Where I was a slave, so happy and so gay, + ‘Twas there I mowed the cotton and the cane. + I used to hunt the elephants, the tigers, and giraffes, + And the alligators at the break of day. + But the blooming Injuns prowled about my cabin every night, + So I’d take me down my banjo and I’d play, + And I’d sing a little song and I’d make them dance with glee, + On the banks of the Ohio far away.” + </pre> + <p> + I mean to say, there was nothing to make a dust about even if the song + were not of a true American origin, yet I was told that the creature who + sang it received hearty applause and even responded to an encore. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER TEN + </h2> + <p> + I need hardly say that this public ridicule left me dazed. Desperately I + recalled our calm and orderly England where such things would not be + permitted. There we are born to our stations and are not allowed to forget + them. We matter from birth, or we do not matter, and that’s all to it. + Here there seemed to be no stations to which one was born; the effect was + sheer anarchy, and one might ridicule any one whomsoever. As was actually + said in that snarky manifesto drawn up by the rebel leaders at the time + our colonies revolted, “All men are created free and equal”—than + which absurdity could go no farther—yet the lower middle classes + seemed to behave quite as if it were true. + </p> + <p> + And now through no fault of my own another awkward circumstance was + threatening to call further attention to me, which was highly undesirable + at this moment when the cheap one-and-six Hobbs fellow had so pointedly + singled me out for his loathsome buffoonery. + </p> + <p> + Some ten days before, walking alone at the edge of town one calm + afternoon, where I might commune with Nature, of which I have always been + fond, I noted an humble vine-clad cot, in the kitchen garden of which + there toiled a youngish, neat-figured woman whom I at once recognized as a + person who did occasional charring for the Flouds on the occasion of their + dinners or receptions. As she had appeared to be cheerful and competent, + of respectful manners and a quite marked intelligence, I made nothing of + stopping at her gate for a moment’s chat, feeling a quite decided relief + in the thought that here was one with whom I need make no pretence, her + social position being sharply defined. + </p> + <p> + We spoke of the day’s heat, which was bland, of the vegetables which she + watered with a lawn hose, particularly of the tomatoes of which she was + pardonably proud, and of the flowering vine which shielded her piazza from + the sun. And when she presently and with due courtesy invited me to enter, + I very affably did so, finding the atmosphere of the place reposeful and + her conversation of a character that I could approve. She was dressed in a + blue print gown that suited her no end, the sleeves turned back over her + capable arms; her brown hair was arranged with scrupulous neatness, her + face was pleasantly flushed from her agricultural labours, and her blue + eyes flashed a friendly welcome and a pleased acknowledgment of the + compliments I made her on the garden. Altogether, she was a person with + whom I at once felt myself at ease, and a relief, I confess it was, after + the strain of my high social endeavours. + </p> + <p> + After a tour of the garden I found myself in the cool twilight of her + little parlour, where she begged me to be seated while she prepared me a + dish of tea, which she did in the adjoining kitchen, to a cheerful + accompaniment of song, quite with an honest, unpretentious + good-heartedness. Glad I was for the moment to forget the social rancors + of the town, the affronted dignities of the North Side set, and the + pernicious activities of the Bohemians, for here all was of a simple + humanity such as I would have found in a farmer’s cottage at home. + </p> + <p> + As I rested in the parlour I could not but approve its general air of + comfort and good taste—its clean flowered wall-paper, the pair of + stuffed birds on the mantel, the comfortable chairs, the neat carpet, the + pictures, and, on a slender-legged stand, the globe of goldfish. These I + noted with an especial pleasure, for I have always found an intense + satisfaction in their silent companionship. Of the pictures I noted + particularly a life-sized drawing in black-and-white in a large gold + frame, of a man whom I divined was the deceased husband of my hostess. + There was also a spirited reproduction of “The Stag at Bay” and some + charming coloured prints of villagers, children, and domestic animals in + their lighter moments. + </p> + <p> + Tea being presently ready, I genially insisted that it should be served in + the kitchen where it had been prepared, though to this my hostess at first + stoutly objected, declaring that the room was in no suitable state. But + this was a mere womanish hypocrisy, as the place was spotless, orderly, + and in fact quite meticulous in its neatness. The tea was astonishingly + excellent, so few Americans I had observed having the faintest notion of + the real meaning of tea, and I was offered with it bread and butter and a + genuinely satisfying compote of plums of which my hostess confessed + herself the fabricator, having, as she quaintly phrased the thing, “put it + up.” + </p> + <p> + And so, over this collation, we chatted for quite all of an hour. The lady + did, as I have intimated, a bit of charring, a bit of plain sewing, and + also derived no small revenue from her vegetables and fruit, thus + managing, as she owned the free-hold of the premises, to make a decent + living for herself and child. I have said that she was cheerful and + competent, and these epithets kept returning to me as we talked. Her + husband—she spoke of him as “poor Judson”—had been a carter + and odd-job fellow, decent enough, I dare say, but hardly the man for her, + I thought, after studying his portrait. There was a sort of foppish + weakness in his face. And indeed his going seemed to have worked her no + hardship, nor to have left any incurable sting of loss. + </p> + <p> + Three cups of the almost perfect tea I drank, as we talked of her own + simple affairs and of the town at large, and at length of her child who + awakened noisily from slumber in an adjacent room and came voraciously to + partake of food. It was a male child of some two and a half years, rather + suggesting the generous good-nature of the mother, but in the most + shocking condition, a thing I should have spoken strongly to her about at + once had I known her better. Queer it seemed to me that a woman of her + apparently sound judgment should let her offspring reach this terrible + state without some effort to alleviate it. The poor thing, to be blunt, + was grossly corpulent, legs, arms, body, and face being wretchedly fat, + and yet she now fed it a large slice of bread thickly spread with butter + and loaded to overflowing with the fattening sweet. Banting of the + strictest sort was of course what it needed. I have had but the slightest + experience with children, but there could be no doubt of this if its + figure was to be maintained. Its waistline was quite impossible, and its + eyes, as it owlishly scrutinized me over its superfluous food, showed from + a face already quite as puffy as the Honourable George’s. I did, indeed, + venture so far as suggesting that food at untimely hours made for a + too-rounded outline, but to my surprise the mother took this as a tribute + to the creature’s grace, crying, “Yes, he wuzzum wuzzums a fatty ole + sing,” with an air of most fatuous pride, and followed this by announcing + my name to it with concerned precision. + </p> + <p> + “Ruggums,” it exclaimed promptly, getting the name all wrong and staring + at me with cold detachment; then “Ruggums-Ruggums-Ruggums!” as if it were + a game, but still stuffing itself meanwhile. There was a sort of horrid + fascination in the sight, but I strove as well as I could to keep my gaze + from it, and the mother and I again talked of matters at large. + </p> + <p> + I come now to speak of an incident which made this quite harmless visit + memorable and entailed unforeseen consequences of an almost quite serious + character. + </p> + <p> + As we sat at tea there stalked into the kitchen a nondescript sort of dog, + a creature of fairish size, of a rambling structure, so to speak, coloured + a puzzling grayish brown with underlying hints of yellow, with vast + drooping ears, and a long and most saturnine countenance. + </p> + <p> + Quite a shock it gave me when I looked up to find the beast staring at me + with what I took to be the most hearty disapproval. My hostess paused in + silence as she noted my glance. The beast then approached me, sniffed at + my boots inquiringly, then at my hands with increasing animation, and at + last leaped into my lap and had licked my face before I could prevent it. + </p> + <p> + I need hardly say that this attention was embarrassing and most + distasteful, since I have never held with dogs. They are doubtless well + enough in their place, but there is a vast deal of sentiment about them + that is silly, and outside the hunting field the most finely bred of them + are too apt to be noisy nuisances. When I say that the beast in question + was quite an American dog, obviously of no breeding whatever, my dismay + will be readily imagined. Rather impulsively, I confess, I threw him to + the floor with a stern, “Begone, sir!” whereat he merely crawled to my + feet and whimpered, looking up into my eyes with a most horrid and + sickening air of devotion. Hereupon, to my surprise, my hostess gayly + called out: + </p> + <p> + “Why, look at Mr. Barker—he’s actually taken up with you right away, + and him usually so suspicious of strangers. Only yesterday he bit an agent + that was calling with silver polish to sell—bit him in the leg so I + had to buy some from the poor fellow—and now see! He’s as friendly + with you as you could wish. They do say that dogs know when people are all + right. Look at him trying to get into your lap again.” And indeed the + beast was again fawning upon me in the most abject manner, licking my + hands and seeming to express for me some hideous admiration. Seeing that I + repulsed his advances none too gently, his owner called to him: + </p> + <p> + “Down, Mr. Barker, down, sir! Get out!” she continued, seeing that he paid + her no attention, and then she thoughtfully seized him by the collar and + dragged him to a safe distance where she held him, he nevertheless + continuing to regard me with the most servile affection. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “WHY, LOOK AT MR. BARKER—HE’S ACTUALLY TAKEN UP WITH + YOU RIGHT AWAY, AND HIM USUALLY SO SUSPICIOUS OF STRANGERS”} + </p> + <p> + “Ruggums, Ruggums, Ruggums!” exploded the child at this, excitedly waving + the crust of its bread. + </p> + <p> + “Behave, Mr. Barker!” called his owner again. “The gentleman probably + doesn’t want you climbing all over him.” + </p> + <p> + The remainder of my visit was somewhat marred by the determination of Mr. + Barker, as he was indeed quite seriously called, to force his monstrous + affections upon me, and by the well-meant but often careless efforts of + his mistress to restrain him. She, indeed, appeared to believe that I + would feel immensely pleased at these tokens of his liking. + </p> + <p> + As I took my leave after sincere expressions of my pleasure in the call, + the child with its face one fearful smear of jam again waved its crust and + shouted, “Ruggums!” while the dog was plainly bent on departing with me. + Not until he had been secured by a rope to one of the porch stanchions + could I safely leave, and as I went he howled dismally after violent + efforts to chew the detaining rope apart. + </p> + <p> + I finished my stroll with the greatest satisfaction, for during the entire + hour I had been enabled to forget the manifold cares of my position. Again + it seemed to me that the portrait in the little parlour was not that of a + man who had been entirely suited to this worthy and energetic young woman. + Highly deserving she seemed, and when I knew her better, as I made no + doubt I should, I resolved to instruct her in the matter of a more + suitable diet for her offspring, the present one, as I have said, carrying + quite too large a preponderance of animal fats. Also, I mused upon the + extraordinary tolerance she accorded to the sad-faced but too + demonstrative Mr. Barker. He had been named, I fancied, by some one with a + primitive sense of humour, I mean to say, he might have been facetiously + called “Barker” because he actually barked a bit, though adding the + “Mister” to it seemed to be rather forcing the poor drollery. At any rate, + I was glad to believe I should see little of him in his free state. + </p> + <p> + And yet it was precisely the curious fondness of this brute for myself + that now added to my embarrassments. On two succeeding days I paused + briefly at Mrs. Judson’s in my afternoon strolls, finding the lady as + wholesomely reposeful as ever in her effect upon my nature, but finding + the unspeakable dog each time more lavish of his disgusting affection for + me. + </p> + <p> + Then, one day, when I had made back to the town and was in fact traversing + the main commercial thoroughfare in a dignified manner, I was made aware + that the brute had broken away to follow me. Close at my heels he skulked. + Strong words hissed under my breath would not repulse him, and to blows I + durst not proceed, for I suddenly divined that his juxtaposition to me was + exciting amused comment among certain of the natives who observed us. The + fellow Hobbs, in the doorway of his bake-shop, was especially offensive, + bursting into a shout of boorish laughter and directing to me the + attention of a nearby group of loungers, who likewise professed to become + entertained. So situated, I was of course obliged to affect + unconsciousness of the awful beast, and he was presently running joyously + at my side as if secure in my approval, or perhaps his brute intelligence + divined that for the moment I durst not turn upon him with blows. + </p> + <p> + Nor did the true perversity of the situation at once occur to me. Not + until we had gained one of the residence avenues did I realize the + significance of the ill-concealed merriment we had aroused. It was not + that I had been followed by a random cur, but by one known to be the dog + of the lady I had called upon. I mean to say, the creature had advertised + my acquaintance with his owner in a way that would lead base minds to + misconstrue its extent. + </p> + <p> + Thoroughly maddened by this thought, and being now safely beyond close + observers, I turned upon the animal to give it a hearty drubbing with my + stick, but it drew quickly off, as if divining my intention, and when I + hurled the stick at it, retrieved it, and brought it to me quite as if it + forgave my hostility. Discovering at length that this method not only + availed nothing but was bringing faces to neighbouring windows, and that + it did not the slightest good to speak strongly to the beast, I had + perforce to accompany it to its home, where I had the satisfaction of + seeing its owner once more secure it firmly with the rope. + </p> + <p> + Thus far a trivial annoyance one might say, but when the next day the + creature bounded up to me as I escorted homeward two ladies from the + Onwards and Upwards Club, leaping upon me with extravagant manifestations + of delight and trailing a length of gnawed rope, it will be seen that the + thing was little short of serious. + </p> + <p> + “It’s Mr. Barker,” exclaimed one of the ladies, regarding me brightly. + </p> + <p> + At a cutlery shop I then bought a stout chain, escorted the brute to his + home, and saw him tethered. The thing was rather getting on me. The + following morning he waited for me at the Floud door and was beside + himself with rapture when I appeared. He had slipped his collar. And once + more I saw him moored. Each time I had apologized to Mrs. Judson for + seeming to attract her pet from home, for I could not bring myself to say + that the beast was highly repugnant to me, and least of all could I + intimate that his public devotion to me would be seized upon by the + coarser village wits to her disadvantage. + </p> + <p> + “I never saw him so fascinated with any one before,” explained the lady as + she once more adjusted his leash. But that afternoon, as I waited in the + trap for Mr. Jackson before the post-office, the beast seemed to appear + from out the earth to leap into the trap beside me. After a rather + undignified struggle I ejected him, whereupon he followed the trap madly + to the country club and made a farce of my golf game by retrieving the + ball after every drive. This time, I learned, the child had released him. + </p> + <p> + It is enough to add that for those remaining days until the present the + unspeakable creature’s mad infatuation for me had made my life well-nigh a + torment, to say nothing of its being a matter of low public jesting. + Hardly did I dare show myself in the business centres, for as surely as I + did the animal found me and crawled to fawn upon me, affecting his release + each day in some novel manner. Each morning I looked abroad from my window + on arising, more than likely detecting his outstretched form on the walk + below, patiently awaiting my appearance, and each night I was liable to + dreams of his coming upon me, a monstrous creature, sad-faced but eager, + tireless, resolute, determined to have me for his own. + </p> + <p> + Musing desperately over this impossible state of affairs, I was now + surprised to receive a letter from the wretched Cousin Egbert, sent by the + hand of the Tuttle person. It was written in pencil on ruled sheets + apparently torn from a cheap notebook, quite as if proper pens and decent + stationery were not to be had, and ran as follows: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR FRIEND BILL: + + Well, Bill, I know God hates a quitter, but I guess I got + a streak of yellow in me wider than the Comstock lode. I was + kicking at my stirrups even before I seen that bunch of whiskers, + and when I took a flash of them and seen he was intending I + should go out before folks without any regular pants on, I says + I can be pushed just so far. Well, Bill, I beat it like a bat + out of hell, as I guess you know by this time, and I would like + to seen them catch me as I had a good bronc. If you know whose + bronc it was tell him I will make it all O.K. The bronc will be + all right when he rests up some. Well, Bill, I am here on the + ranche, where everything is nice, and I would never come back + unless certain parties agree to do what is right. I would not + speak pieces that way for the President of the U.S. if he ask + me to on his bended knees. Well, Bill, I wish you would come + out here yourself, where everything is nice. You can’t tell what + that bunch of crazies would be wanting you to do next thing with + false whiskers and no right pants. I would tell them “I can be + pushed just so far, and now I will go out to the ranche with + Sour-dough for some time, where things are nice.” Well, Bill, + if you will come out Jeff Tuttle will bring you Wednesday when + he comes with more grub, and you will find everything nice. I + have told Jeff to bring you, so no more at present, with kind + regards and hoping to see you here soon. + + Your true friend, + + E.G. FLOUD. + + P.S. Mrs. Effie said she would broaden me out. Maybe she did, + because I felt pretty flat. Ha! ha! +</pre> + <p> + Truth to tell, this wild suggestion at once appealed to me. I had an + impulse to withdraw for a season from the social whirl, to seek repose + among the glens and gorges of this cattle plantation, and there try to + adjust myself more intelligently to my strange new environment. In the + meantime, I hoped, something might happen to the dog of Mrs. Judson; or he + might, perhaps, in my absence outlive his curious mania for me. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Effie, whom I now consulted, after reading the letter of Cousin + Egbert, proved to be in favour of my going to him to make one last appeal + to his higher nature. + </p> + <p> + “If only he’d stick out there in the brush where he belongs, I’d let him + stay,” she explained. “But he won’t stick; he gets tired after awhile and + drops in perhaps on the very night when we’re entertaining some of the + best people at dinner—and of course we’re obliged to have him, + though he’s dropped whatever manners I’ve taught him and picked up his old + rough talk, and he eats until you wonder how he can. It’s awful! Sometimes + I’ve wondered if it couldn’t be adenoids—there’s a lot of talk about + those just now—some very select people have them, and perhaps + they’re what kept him back and made him so hopelessly low in his tastes, + but I just know he’d never go to a doctor about them. For heaven’s sake, + use what influence you have to get him back here and to take his rightful + place in society.” + </p> + <p> + I had a profound conviction that he would never take his rightful place in + society, be it the fault of adenoids or whatever; that low passion of his + for being pally with all sorts made it seem that his sense of values must + have been at fault from birth, and yet I could not bring myself to abandon + him utterly, for, as I have intimated, something in the fellow’s nature + appealed to me. I accordingly murmured my sympathy discreetly and set + about preparations for my journey. + </p> + <p> + Feeling instinctively that Cousin Egbert would not now be dressing for + dinner, I omitted evening clothes from my box, including only a + morning-suit and one of form-fitting tweeds which I fancied would do me + well enough. But no sooner was my box packed than the Tuttle person + informed me that I could take no box whatever. It appeared that all + luggage would be strapped to the backs of animals and thus transported. + Even so, when I had reduced myself to one park riding-suit and a small + bundle of necessary adjuncts, I was told that the golf-sticks must be left + behind. It appeared there would be no golf. + </p> + <p> + And so quite early one morning I started on this curious pilgrimage from + what was called a “feed corral” in a low part of the town. Here the Tuttle + person had assembled a goods-train of a half-dozen animals, the luggage + being adjusted to their backs by himself and two assistants, all using + language of the most disgraceful character throughout the process. The + Tuttle person I had half expected to appear garbed in his native dress—Mrs. + Effie had once more referred to “that Indian Jeff Tuttle”—but he + wore instead, as did his two assistants, the outing or lounge suit of the + Western desperado, nor, though I listened closely, could I hear him + exclaim, “Ugh! Ugh!” in moments of emotional stress as my reading had + informed me that the Indian frequently does. + </p> + <p> + The two assistants, solemn-faced, ill-groomed fellows, bore the curious + American names of Hank and Buck, and furiously chewed the tobacco plant at + all times. After betraying a momentary interest in my smart riding-suit, + they paid me little attention, at which I was well pleased, for their + manners were often repellent and their abrupt, direct fashion of speech + quite disconcerting. + </p> + <p> + The Tuttle person welcomed me heartily and himself adjusted the saddle to + my mount, expressing the hope that I would “get my fill of scenery,” and + volunteering the information that my destination was “one sleep” away. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER ELEVEN + </h2> + <p> + Although fond of rural surroundings and always interested in nature, the + adventure in which I had become involved is not one I can recommend to a + person of refined tastes. I found it little enough to my own taste even + during the first two hours of travel when we kept to the beaten + thoroughfare, for the sun was hot, the dust stifling, and the language + with which the goods-animals were berated coarse in the extreme. + </p> + <p> + Yet from this plain roadway and a country of rolling down and heather + which was at least not terrifying, our leader, the Tuttle person, swerved + all at once into an untried jungle, in what at the moment I supposed to be + a fit of absent-mindedness, following a narrow path that led up a + fearsomely slanted incline among trees and boulders of granite thrown + about in the greatest disorder. He was followed, however, by the + goods-animals and by the two cow-persons, so that I soon saw the new + course must be intended. + </p> + <p> + The mountains were now literally quite everywhere, some higher than + others, but all of a rough appearance, and uninviting in the extreme. The + narrow path, moreover, became more and more difficult, and seemed + altogether quite insane with its twistings and fearsome declivities. One’s + first thought was that at least a bit of road-metal might have been put + upon it. But there was no sign of this throughout our toilsome day, nor + did I once observe a rustic seat along the way, although I saw an + abundance of suitable nooks for these. Needless to say, in all England + there is not an estate so poorly kept up. + </p> + <p> + There being no halt made for luncheon, I began to look forward to + tea-time, but what was my dismay to observe that this hour also passed + unnoted. Not until night was drawing upon us did our caravan halt beside a + tarn, and here I learned that we would sup and sleep, although it was + distressing to observe how remote we were from proper surroundings. There + was no shelter and no modern conveniences; not even a wash-hand-stand or + water-jug. There was, of course, no central heating, and no electricity + for one’s smoothing-iron, so that one’s clothing must become quite + disreputable for want of pressing. Also the informal manner of cooking and + eating was not what I had been accustomed to, and the idea of sleeping + publicly on the bare ground was repugnant in the extreme. I mean to say, + there was no <i>vie intime</i>. Truly it was a coarser type of wilderness + than that which I had encountered near New York City. + </p> + <p> + The animals, being unladen, were fitted with a species of leather bracelet + about their forefeet and allowed to stray at their will. A fire was built + and coarse food made ready. It is hardly a thing to speak of, but their + manner of preparing tea was utterly depraved, the leaves being flung into + a tin of boiling water and allowed to <i>stew</i>. The result was + something that I imagine etchers might use in making lines upon their + metal plates. But for my day’s fast I should have been unequal to this, or + to the crude output of their frying-pans. + </p> + <p> + Yet I was indeed glad that no sign of my dismay had escaped me, for the + cow-persons, Hank and Buck, as I discovered, had given unusual care to the + repast on my account, and I should not have liked to seem unappreciative. + Quite by accident I overheard the honest fellows quarrelling about an + oversight: they had, it seemed, left the finger-bowls behind; each was + bitterly blaming the other for this, seeming to feel that the meal could + not go forward. I had not to be told that they would not ordinarily carry + finger-bowls for their own use, and that the forgotten utensils must have + been meant solely for my comfort. Accordingly, when the quarrel was at its + highest I broke in upon it, protesting that the oversight was of no + consequence, and that I was quite prepared to roughen it with them in the + best of good fellowship. They were unable to conceal their chagrin at my + having overheard them, and slunk off abashed to the cooking-fire. It was + plain that under their repellent exteriors they concealed veins of the + finest chivalry, and I took pains during the remainder of the evening to + put them at their ease, asking them many questions about their wild life. + </p> + <p> + Of the dangers of the jungle by which we were surrounded the most + formidable, it seemed, was not the grizzly bear, of which I had read, but + an animal quaintly called the “high-behind,” which lurks about + camping-places such as ours and is often known to attack man in its search + for tinned milk of which it is inordinately fond. The spoor of one of + these beasts had been detected near our campfire by the cow-person called + Buck, and he now told us of it, though having at first resolved to be + silent rather than alarm us. + </p> + <p> + As we carried a supply of the animal’s favourite food, I was given two of + the tins with instructions to hurl them quickly at any high-behind that + might approach during the night, my companions arming themselves in a + similar manner. It appears that the beast has tushes similar in shape to + tin openers with which it deftly bites into any tins of milk that may be + thrown at it. The person called Hank had once escaped with his life only + by means of a tin of milk which had caught on the sabrelike tushes of the + animal pursuing him, thus rendering him harmless and easy of capture. + </p> + <p> + Needless to say, I was greatly interested in this animal of the quaint + name, and resolved to remain on watch during the night in the hope of + seeing one, but at this juncture we were rejoined by the Tuttle person, + who proceeded to recount to Hank and Buck a highly coloured version of my + regrettable encounter with Mr. C. Belknap-Jackson back in the New York + wilderness, whereat they both lost interest in the high-behind and greatly + embarrassed me with their congratulations upon this lesser matter. Cousin + Egbert, it seemed, had most indiscreetly talked of the thing, which was + now a matter of common gossip in Red Gap. Thereafter I could get from them + no further information about the habits of the high-behind, nor did I + remain awake to watch for one as I had resolved to, the fatigues of the + day proving too much for me. But doubtless none approached during the + night, as the two tins of milk with which I was armed were untouched when + I awoke at dawn. + </p> + <p> + Again we set off after a barbarous breakfast, driving our laden animals + ever deeper into the mountain fastness, until it seemed that none of us + could ever emerge, for I had ascertained that there was not a compass in + the party. There was now a certain new friendliness in the manner of the + two cow-persons toward me, born, it would seem, of their knowledge of my + assault upon Belknap-Jackson, and I was somewhat at a loss to know how to + receive this, well intentioned though it was. I mean to say, they were + undoubtedly of the servant-class, and of course one must remember one’s + own position, but I at length decided to be quite friendly and American + with them. + </p> + <p> + The truth must be told that I was now feeling in quite a bit of a funk and + should have welcomed any friendship offered me; I even found myself + remembering with rather a pensive tolerance the attentions of Mr. Barker, + though doubtless back in Red Gap I should have found them as loathsome as + ever. My hump was due, I made no doubt, first, to my precarious position + in the wilderness, but more than that to my anomalous social position, for + it seemed to me now that I was neither fish nor fowl. I was no longer a + gentleman’s man—the familiar boundaries of that office had been + swept away; on the other hand, I was most emphatically not the gentleman I + had set myself up to be, and I was weary of the pretence. The friendliness + of these uncouth companions, then, proved doubly welcome, for with them I + could conduct myself in a natural manner, happily forgetting my former + limitations and my present quite fictitious dignities. + </p> + <p> + I even found myself talking to them of cricket as we rode, telling them I + had once hit an eight—fully run out it was and not an overthrow—though + I dare say it meant little to them. I also took pains to describe to them + the correct method of brewing tea, which they promised thereafter to + observe, though this I fear they did from mere politeness. + </p> + <p> + Our way continued adventurously upward until mid-afternoon, when we began + an equally adventurous descent through a jungle of pine trees, not a few + of which would have done credit to one of our own parks, though there + were, of course, too many of them here to be at all effective. Indeed, it + may be said that from a scenic standpoint everything through which we had + passed was overdone: mountains, rocks, streams, trees, all sounding a + characteristic American note of exaggeration. + </p> + <p> + Then at last we came to the wilderness abode of Cousin Egbert. A rude hut + of native logs it was, set in this highland glen beside a tarn. From afar + we descried its smoke, and presently in the doorway observed Cousin Egbert + himself, who waved cheerfully at us. His appearance gave me a shock. Quite + aware of his inclination to laxness, I was yet unprepared for his present + state. Never, indeed, have I seen a man so badly turned out. Too evidently + unshaven since his disappearance, he was gotten up in a faded flannel + shirt, open at the neck and without the sign of cravat, a pair of + overalls, also faded and quite wretchedly spotty, and boots of the most + shocking description. Yet in spite of this dreadful tenue he greeted me + without embarrassment and indeed with a kind of artless pleasure. Truly + the man was impossible, and when I observed the placard he had allowed to + remain on the waistband of his overalls, boastfully alleging their + indestructibility, my sympathies flew back to Mrs. Effie. There was a + cartoon emblazoned on this placard, depicting the futile efforts of two + teams of stout horses, each attached to a leg of the garment, to wrench it + in twain. I mean to say, one might be reduced to overalls, but this + blatant emblem was not a thing any gentleman need have retained. And + again, observing his footgear, I was glad to recall that I had included a + plentiful supply of boot-cream in my scanty luggage. + </p> + <p> + Three of the goods-animals were now unladen, their burden of provisions + being piled beside the door while Cousin Egbert chatted gayly with the + cow-persons and the Indian Tuttle, after which these three took their + leave, being madly bent, it appeared, upon penetrating still farther into + the wilderness to another cattle farm. Then, left alone with Cousin + Egbert, I was not long in discovering that, strictly speaking, he had no + establishment. Not only were there no servants, but there were no drains, + no water-taps, no ice-machine, no scullery, no central heating, no + electric wiring. His hut consisted of but a single room, and this without + a floor other than the packed earth, while the appointments were such as + in any civilized country would have indicated the direst poverty. Two beds + of the rudest description stood in opposite corners, and one end of the + room was almost wholly occupied by a stone fireplace of primitive + construction, over which the owner now hovered in certain feats of + cookery. + </p> + <p> + Thanks to my famished state I was in no mood to criticise his efforts, + which he presently set forth upon the rough deal table in a hearty but + quite inelegant manner. The meal, I am bound to say, was more than welcome + to my now indiscriminating palate, though at a less urgent moment I should + doubtless have found the bread soggy and the beans a pernicious mass. + There was a stew of venison, however, which only the most skilful hands + could have bettered, though how the man had obtained a deer was beyond me, + since it was evident he possessed no shooting or deer-stalking costume. As + to the tea, I made bold to speak my mind and succeeded in brewing some for + myself. + </p> + <p> + Throughout the repast Cousin Egbert was constantly attentive to my needs + and was more cheerful of demeanour than I had ever seen him. The hunted + look about his eyes, which had heretofore always distinguished him, was + now gone, and he bore himself like a free man. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” he said, as we smoked over the remains of the meal, “you stay + with me and I’ll give you one swell little time. I’ll do the cooking, and + between whiles we can sit right here and play cribbage day in and day out. + You can get a taste of real life without moving.” + </p> + <p> + I saw then, if never before, that his deeper nature would not be aroused. + Doubtless my passing success with him in Paris had marked the very highest + stage of his spiritual development. I did not need to be told now that he + had left off sock-suspenders forever, nor did I waste words in trying to + recall him to his better self. Indeed for the moment I was too overwhelmed + by fatigue even to remonstrate about his wretched lounge-suit, and I early + fell asleep on one of the beds while he was still engaged in washing the + metal dishes upon which we had eaten, singing the while the doleful ballad + of “Rosalie, the Prairie Flower.” + </p> + <p> + It seemed but a moment later that I awoke, for Cousin Egbert was again + busy among the dishes, but I saw that another day had come and his song + had changed to one equally sad but quite different. “In the hazel dell my + Nellie’s sleeping,” he sang, though in a low voice and quite cheerfully. + Indeed his entire repertoire of ballads was confined to the saddest + themes, chiefly of desirable maidens taken off untimely either by disease + or accident. Besides “Rosalie, the Prairie Flower,” there was “Lovely + Annie Lisle,” over whom the willows waved and earthly music could not + waken; another named “Sweet Alice Ben Bolt” lying in the churchyard, and + still another, “Lily Dale,” who was pictured “‘neath the trees in the + flowery vale,” with the wild rose blossoming o’er the little green grave. + </p> + <p> + His face was indeed sad as he rendered these woful ballads and yet his + voice and manner were of the cheeriest, and I dare say he sang without + reference to their real tragedy. It was a school of American balladry + quite at variance with the cheerful optimism of those I had heard from the + Belknap-Jackson phonograph, where the persons are not dead at all but are + gayly calling upon one another to come on and do a folkdance, or hear a + band or crawl under—things of that sort. As Cousin Egbert bent over + a frying pan in which ham was cooking he crooned softly: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “In the hazel dell my Nellie’s sleeping, + Nellie loved so long, + While my lonely, lonely watch I’m keeping, + Nellie lost and gone.” + </pre> + <p> + I could attribute his choice only to that natural perversity which + prompted him always to do the wrong thing, for surely this affecting verse + was not meant to be sung at such a moment. + </p> + <p> + Attempting to arise, I became aware that the two days’ journey had left me + sadly lame and wayworn, also that my face was burned from the sun and that + I had been awakened too soon. Fortunately I had with me a shilling jar of + Ridley’s Society Complexion Food, “the all-weather wonder,” which I + applied to my face with cooling results, and I then felt able to partake + of a bit of the breakfast which Cousin Egbert now brought to my bedside. + The ham was of course not cooked correctly and the tea was again a mere + corrosive, but so anxious was my host to please me that I refrained from + any criticism, though at another time I should have told him straight what + I thought of such cookery. + </p> + <p> + When we had both eaten I slept again to the accompaniment of another sad + song and the muted rattle of the pans as Cousin Egbert did the scullery + work, and it was long past the luncheon hour when I awoke, still lame from + the saddle, but greatly refreshed. + </p> + <p> + It was now that another blow befell me, for upon arising and searching + through my kit I discovered that my razors had been left behind. By any + thinking man the effect of this oversight will be instantly perceived. + Already low in spirits, the prospect of going unshaven could but aggravate + my funk. I surrendered to the wave of homesickness that swept over me. I + wanted London again, London with its yellow fog and greasy pavements, I + wished to buy cockles off a barrow, I longed for toasted crumpets, and + most of all I longed for my old rightful station; longed to turn out a + gentleman, longed for the Honourable George and our peaceful if sometimes + precarious existence among people of the right sort. The continued shocks + since that fateful night of the cards had told upon me. I knew now that I + had not been meant for adventure. Yet here I had turned up in the most + savage of lands after leading a life of dishonest pretence in a station to + which I had not been born—and, for I knew not how many days, I + should not be able to shave my face. + </p> + <p> + But here again a ferment stirred in my blood, some electric thrill of + anarchy which had come from association with these Americans, a strange, + lawless impulse toward their quite absurd ideals of equality, a monstrous + ambition to be in myself some one that mattered, instead of that pretended + Colonel Ruggles who, I now recalled, was to-day promised to bridge at the + home of Mrs. Judge Ballard, where he would talk of hunting in the shires, + of the royal enclosure at Ascot, of Hurlingham and Ranleigh, of Cowes in + June, of the excellence of the converts at Chaynes-Wotten. No doubt it was + a sort of madness now seized me, consequent upon the lack of shaving + utensils. + </p> + <p> + I wondered desperately if there was a true place for me in this life. I + had tasted their equality that day of debauch in Paris, but obviously the + sensation could not permanently be maintained upon spirits. Perhaps I + might obtain a post in a bank; I might become a shop-assistant, bag-man, + even a pressman. These moody and unwholesome thoughts were clouding my + mind as I surveyed myself in the wrinkled mirror which had seemed to + suffice the uncritical Cousin Egbert for his toilet. It hung between the + portrait of a champion middle-weight crouching in position and the + calendar advertisement of a brewery which, as I could not fancy Cousin + Egbert being in the least concerned about the day of the month, had too + evidently been hung on his wall because of the coloured lithograph of a + blond creature in theatrical undress who smirked most immorally. + </p> + <p> + Studying the curiously wavy effect this glass produced upon my face, I + chanced to observe in a corner of the frame a printed card with the + heading “Take Courage!” To my surprise the thing, when I had read it, + capped my black musings upon my position in a rather uncanny way. Briefly + it recited the humble beginnings of a score or more of the world’s notable + figures. + </p> + <p> + “Demosthenes was the son of a cutler,” it began. “Horace was the son of a + shopkeeper. Virgil’s father was a porter. Cardinal Wolsey was the son of a + butcher. Shakespeare the son of a wool-stapler.” Followed the obscure + parentage of such well-known persons as Milton, Napoleon, Columbus, + Cromwell. Even Mohammed was noted as a shepherd and camel-driver, though + it seemed rather questionable taste to include in the list one whose + religion, as to family life, was rather scandalous. More to the point was + the citation of various Americans who had sprung from humble beginnings: + Lincoln, Johnson, Grant, Garfield, Edison. It is true that there was not, + apparently, a gentleman’s servant among them; they were rail-splitters, + boatmen, tailors, artisans of sorts, but the combined effect was rather + overwhelming. + </p> + <p> + From the first moment of my encountering the American social system, it + seemed, I had been by way of becoming a rabid anarchist—that is, one + feeling that he might become a gentleman regardless of his birth—and + here were the disconcerting facts concerning a score of notables to + confirm me in my heresy. It was not a thing to be spoken lightly of in + loose discussion, but there can be no doubt that at this moment I coldly + questioned the soundness of our British system, the vital marrow of which + is to teach that there is a difference between men and men. To be sure, it + will have been seen that I was not myself, having for a quarter year been + subjected to a series of nervous shocks, and having had my mind + contaminated, moreover, by being brought into daily contact with this + unthinking American equality in the person of Cousin Egbert, who, I make + bold to assert, had never for one instant since his doubtless obscure + birth considered himself the superior of any human being whatsoever. + </p> + <p> + This much I advance for myself in extenuation of my lawless imaginings, + but of them I can abate no jot; it was all at once clear to me, monstrous + as it may seem, that Nature and the British Empire were at variance in + their decrees, and that somehow a system was base which taught that one + man is necessarily inferior to another. I dare say it was a sort of + poisonous intoxication—that I should all at once declare: + </p> + <p> + “His lordship tenth Earl of Brinstead and Marmaduke Ruggles are two men; + one has made an acceptable peer and one an acceptable valet, yet the twain + are equal, and the system which has made one inferior socially to the + other is false and bad and cannot endure.” For a moment, I repeat, I saw + myself a gentleman in the making—a clear fairway without bunkers + from tee to green—meeting my equals with a friendly eye; and then + the illumining shock, for I unconsciously added to myself, “Regarding my + inferiors with a kindly tolerance.” It was there I caught myself. So much + a part of the system was I that, although I could readily conceive a + society in which I had no superiors, I could not picture one in which I + had not inferiors. The same poison that ran in the veins of their + lordships ran also in the veins of their servants. I was indeed, it + appeared, hopelessly inoculated. Again I read the card. Horace was the son + of a shopkeeper, but I made no doubt that, after he became a popular and + successful writer of Latin verse, he looked down upon his own father. Only + could it have been otherwise, I thought, had he been born in this + fermenting America to no station whatever and left to achieve his rightful + one. + </p> + <p> + So I mused thus licentiously until one clear conviction possessed me: that + I would no longer pretend to the social superiority of one Colonel + Marmaduke Ruggles. I would concede no inferiority in myself, but I would + not again, before Red Gap’s county families vaunt myself as other than I + was. That this was more than a vagrant fancy on my part will be seen when + I aver that suddenly, strangely, alarmingly, I no longer cared that I was + unshaven and must remain so for an untold number of days. I welcomed the + unhandsome stubble that now projected itself upon my face; I curiously + wished all at once to be as badly gotten up as Cousin Egbert, with as + little thought for my station in life. I would no longer refrain from + doing things because they were “not done.” My own taste would be the law. + </p> + <p> + It was at this moment that Cousin Egbert appeared in the doorway with four + trout from the stream nearby, though how he had managed to snare them I + could not think, since he possessed no correct equipment for angling. I + fancy I rather overwhelmed him by exclaiming, “Hello, Sour-dough!” since + never before had I addressed him in any save a formal fashion, and it is + certain I embarrassed him by my next proceeding, which was to grasp his + hand and shake it heartily, an action that I could explain no more than + he, except that the violence of my self-communion was still upon me and + required an outlet. He grinned amiably, then regarded me with a shrewd eye + and demanded if I had been drinking. + </p> + <p> + “This,” I said; “I am drunk with this,” and held the card up to him. But + when he took it interestedly he merely read the obverse side which I had + not observed until now. “Go to Epstein’s for Everything You Wear,” it said + in large type, and added, “The Square Deal Mammoth Store.” + </p> + <p> + “They carry a nice stock,” he said, still a bit puzzled by my tone, + “though I generally trade at the Red Front.” I turned the card over for + him and he studied the list of humble-born notables, though from a point + of view peculiarly his own. “I don’t see,” he began, “what right they got + to rake up all that stuff about people that’s dead and gone. Who cares + what their folks was!” And he added, “‘Horace was the son of a shopkeeper’—Horace + who?” Plainly the matter did not excite him, and I saw it would be useless + to try to convey to him what the items had meant to me. + </p> + <p> + “I mean to say, I’m glad to be here with you,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “I knew you’d like it,” he answered. “Everything is nice here.” + </p> + <p> + “America is some country,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “She is, she is,” he answered. “And now you can bile up a pot of tea in + your own way while I clean these here fish for sapper.” + </p> + <p> + I made the tea. I regret to say there was not a tea cozy in the place; + indeed the linen, silver, and general table equipment were sadly + deficient, but in my reckless mood I made no comment. + </p> + <p> + “Your tea smells good, but it ain’t got no kick to it,” he observed over + his first cup. “When I drench my insides with tea I sort of want it to + take a hold.” And still I made no effort to set him right. I now saw that + in all true essentials he did not need me to set him right. For so uncouth + a person he was strangely commendable and worthy. + </p> + <p> + As we sipped our tea in companionable silence, I busy with my new and + disturbing thoughts, a long shout came to us from the outer distance. + Cousin Egbert brightened. + </p> + <p> + “I’m darned if that ain’t Ma Pettengill!” he exclaimed. “She’s rid over + from the Arrowhead.” + </p> + <p> + We rushed to the door, and in the distance, riding down upon us at + terrific speed, I indeed beheld the Mixer. A moment later she reigned in + her horse before us and hoarsely rumbled her greetings. I had last seen + her at a formal dinner where she was rather formidably done out in black + velvet and diamonds. Now she appeared in a startling tenue of khaki + riding-breeches and flannel shirt, with one of the wide-brimmed cow-person + hats. Even at the moment of greeting her I could not but reflect how + shocked our dear Queen would be at the sight of this riding habit. + </p> + <p> + She dismounted with hearty explanations of how she had left her “round-up” + and ridden over to visit, having heard from the Tuttle person that we were + here. Cousin Egbert took her horse and she entered the hut, where to my + utter amazement she at once did a feminine thing. Though from her garb one + at a little distance might have thought her a man, a portly, florid, + carelessly attired man, she made at once for the wrinkled mirror where, + after anxiously scanning her burned face for an instant, she produced + powder and puff from a pocket of her shirt and daintily powdered her + generous blob of a nose. Having achieved this to her apparent + satisfaction, she unrolled a bundle she had carried at her saddle and + donned a riding skirt, buttoning it about the waist and smoothing down its + folds—before I could retire. + </p> + <p> + “There, now,” she boomed, as if some satisfying finality had been brought + about. Such was the Mixer. That sort of thing would never do with us, and + yet I suddenly saw that she, like Cousin Egbert, was strangely commendable + and worthy. I mean to say, I no longer felt it was my part to set her + right in any of the social niceties. Some curious change had come upon me. + I knew then that I should no longer resist America. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER TWELVE + </h2> + <p> + With a curious friendly glow upon me I set about helping Cousin Egbert in + the preparation of our evening meal, a work from which, owing to the + number and apparent difficulty of my suggestions, he presently withdrew, + leaving me in entire charge. It is quite true that I have pronounced views + as to the preparation and serving of food, and I dare say I embarrassed + the worthy fellow without at all meaning to do so, for too many of his + culinary efforts betray the fumbling touch of the amateur. And as I worked + over the open fire, doing the trout to a turn, stirring the beans, and + perfecting the stew with deft touches of seasoning, I worded to myself for + the first time a most severe indictment against the North American + cookery, based upon my observations across the continent and my experience + as a diner-out in Red Gap. + </p> + <p> + I saw that it would never do with us, and that it ought, as a matter of + fact, to be uplifted. Even then, while our guest chattered gossip of the + town over her brown paper cigarettes, I felt the stirring of an impulse to + teach Americans how to do themselves better at table. For the moment, of + course, I was hampered by lack of equipment (there was not even a fish + slice in the establishment), but even so I brewed proper tea and was able + to impart to the simple viands a touch of distinction which they had + lacked under Cousin Egbert’s all-too-careless manipulation. + </p> + <p> + As I served the repast Cousin Egbert produced a bottle of the brown + American whiskey at which we pegged a bit before sitting to table. + </p> + <p> + “Three rousing cheers!” said he, and the Mixer responded with “Happy + days!” + </p> + <p> + As on that former occasion, the draught of spirits flooded my being with a + vast consciousness of personal worth and of good feeling toward my + companions. With a true insight I suddenly perceived that one might belong + to the great lower middle-class in America and still matter in the truest, + correctest sense of the term. + </p> + <p> + As we fell hungrily to the food, the Mixer did not fail to praise my + cooking of the trout, and she and Cousin Egbert were presently lamenting + the difficulty of obtaining a well-cooked meal in Red Gap. At this I + boldly spoke up, declaring that American cookery lacked constructive + imagination, making only the barest use of its magnificent opportunities, + following certain beaten and all-too-familiar roads with a slavish + stupidity. + </p> + <p> + “We nearly had a good restaurant,” said the Mixer. “A Frenchman came and + showed us a little flash of form, but he only lasted a month because he + got homesick. He had half the people in town going there for dinner, too, + to get away from their Chinamen—and after I spent a lot of money + fixing the place up for him, too.” + </p> + <p> + I recalled the establishment, on the main street, though I had not known + that our guest was its owner. Vacant it was now, and looking quite as if + the bailiffs had been in. + </p> + <p> + “He couldn’t cook ham and eggs proper,” suggested Cousin Egbert. “I tried + him three times, and every time he done something French to ‘em that + nobody had ought to do to ham and eggs.” + </p> + <p> + Hereupon I ventured to assert that a too-intense nationalism would prove + the ruin of any chef outside his own country; there must be a certain + breadth of treatment, a blending of the best features of different + schools. One must know English and French methods and yet be a slave to + neither; one must even know American cookery and be prepared to adapt its + half-dozen or so undoubted excellencies. From this I ventured further into + a general criticism of the dinners I had eaten at Red Gap’s smartest + houses. Too profuse they were, I said, and too little satisfying in any + one feature; too many courses, constructed, as I had observed, after + photographs printed in the back pages of women’s magazines; doubtless they + possessed a certain artistic value as sights for the eye, but considered + as food they were devoid of any inner meaning. + </p> + <p> + “Bill’s right,” said Cousin Egbert warmly. “Mrs. Effie, she gets up about + nine of them pictures, with nuts and grated eggs and scrambled tomatoes + all over ‘em, and nobody knowing what’s what, and even when you strike one + that tastes good they’s only a dab of it and you mustn’t ask for any more. + When I go out to dinner, what I want is to have ‘em say, ‘Pass up your + plate, Mr. Floud, for another piece of the steak and some potatoes, and + have some more squash and help yourself to the quince jelly.’ That’s how + it had ought to be, but I keep eatin’ these here little plates of cut-up + things and waiting for the real stuff, and first thing I know I get a + spoonful of coffee in something like you put eye medicine into, and I know + it’s all over. Last time I was out I hid up a dish of these here salted + almuns under a fern and et the whole lot from time to time, kind of absent + like. It helped some, but it wasn’t dinner.” + </p> + <p> + “Same here,” put in the Mixer, saturating half a slice of bread in the + sauce of the stew. “I can’t afford to act otherwise than like I am a lady + at one of them dinners, but the minute I’m home I beat it for the icebox. + I suppose it’s all right to be socially elegant, but we hadn’t ought to + let it contaminate our food none. And even at that New York hotel this + summer you had to make trouble to get fed proper. I wanted strawberry + shortcake, and what do you reckon they dealt me? A thing looking like a + marble palace—sponge cake and whipped cream with a few red spots in + between. Well, long as we’re friends here together, I may say that I + raised hell until I had the chef himself up and told him exactly what to + do; biscuit dough baked and prized apart and buttered, strawberries with + sugar on ‘em in between and on top, and plenty of regular cream. Well, + after three days’ trying he finally managed to get simple—he just + couldn’t believe I meant it at first, and kept building on the whipped + cream—and the thing cost eight dollars, but you can bet he had me, + even then; the bonehead smarty had sweetened the cream and grated nutmeg + into it. I give up. + </p> + <p> + “And if you can’t get right food in New York, how can you expect to here? + And Jackson, the idiot, has just fired the only real cook in Red Gap. Yes, + sir; he’s let the coons go. It come out that Waterman had sneaked out that + suit of his golf clothes that Kate Kenner wore in the minstrel show, so he + fired them both, and now I got to support ‘em, because, as long as we’re + friends here, I don’t mind telling you I egged the coon on to do it.” + </p> + <p> + I saw that she was referring to the black and his wife whom I had met at + the New York camp, though it seemed quaint to me that they should be + called “coons,” which is, I take it, a diminutive for “raccoon,” a species + of ground game to be found in America. + </p> + <p> + Truth to tell, I enjoyed myself immensely at this simple but satisfying + meal, feeling myself one with these homely people, and I was sorry when we + had finished. + </p> + <p> + “That was some little dinner itself,” said the Mixer as she rolled a + cigarette; “and now you boys set still while I do up the dishes.” Nor + would she allow either of us to assist her in this work. When she had + done, Cousin Egbert proceeded to mix hot toddies from the whiskey, and we + gathered about the table before the open fire. + </p> + <p> + “Now we’ll have a nice home evening,” said the Mixer, and to my great + embarrassment she began at once to speak to myself. + </p> + <p> + “A strong man like him has got no business becoming a social butterfly,” + she remarked to Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Bill’s all right,” insisted the latter, as he had done so many times + before. + </p> + <p> + “He’s all right so far, but let him go on for a year or so and he won’t be + a darned bit better than what Jackson is, mark my words. Just a social + butterfly, wearing funny clothes and attending afternoon affairs.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don’t say you ain’t right,” said Cousin Egbert thoughtfully; + “that’s one reason I got him out here where everything is nice. What with + speaking pieces like an actor, I was afraid they’d have him making more + kinds of a fool of himself than what Jackson does, him being a foreigner, + and his mind kind o’ running on what clothes a man had ought to wear.” + </p> + <p> + Hereupon, so flushed was I with the good feeling of the occasion, I told + them straight that I had resolved to quit being Colonel Ruggles of the + British army and associate of the nobility; that I had determined to + forget all class distinctions and to become one of themselves, plain, + simple, and unpretentious. It is true that I had consumed two of the hot + grogs, but my mind was clear enough, and both my companions applauded this + resolution. + </p> + <p> + “If he can just get his mind off clothes for a bit he might amount to + something,” said Cousin Egbert, and it will scarcely be credited, but at + the moment I felt actually grateful to him for this admission. + </p> + <p> + “We’ll think about his case,” said the Mixer, taking her own second toddy, + whereupon the two fell to talking of other things, chiefly of their cattle + plantations and the price of beef-stock, which then seemed to be six and + one half, though what this meant I had no notion. Also I gathered that the + Mixer at her own cattle-farm had been watching her calves marked with her + monogram, though I would never have credited her with so much sentiment. + </p> + <p> + When the retiring hour came, Cousin Egbert and I prepared to take our + blankets outside to sleep, but the Mixer would have none of this. + </p> + <p> + “The last time I slept in here,” she remarked, “mice was crawling over me + all night, so you keep your shack and I’ll bed down outside. I ain’t + afraid of mice, understand, but I don’t like to feel their feet on my + face.” + </p> + <p> + And to my great dismay, though Cousin Egbert took it calmly enough, she + took a roll of blankets and made a crude pallet on the ground outside, + under a spreading pine tree. I take it she was that sort. The least I + could do was to secure two tins of milk from our larder and place them + near her cot, in case of some lurking high-behind, though I said nothing + of this, not wishing to alarm her needlessly. + </p> + <p> + Inside the hut Cousin Egbert and I partook of a final toddy before + retiring. He was unusually thoughtful and I had difficulty in persuading + him to any conversation. Thus having noted a bearskin before my bed, I + asked him if he had killed the animal. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said he shortly, “I wouldn’t lie for a bear as small as that.” As he + was again silent, I made no further approaches to him. + </p> + <p> + From my first sleep I was awakened by a long, booming yell from our guest + outside. Cousin Egbert and I reached the door at the same time. + </p> + <p> + “I’ve got it!” bellowed the Mixer, and we went out to her in the chill + night. She sat up with the blankets muffled about her. + </p> + <p> + “We start Bill in that restaurant,” she began. “It come to me in a flash. + I judge he’s got the right ideas, and Waterman and his wife can cook for + him.” + </p> + <p> + “Bully!” exclaimed Cousin Egbert. “I was thinking he ought to have a + gents’ furnishing store, on account of his mind running to dress, but you + got the best idea.” + </p> + <p> + “I’ll stake him to the rent,” she put in. + </p> + <p> + “And I’ll stake him to the rest,” exclaimed Cousin Egbert delightedly, + and, strange as it may seem, I suddenly saw myself a licensed victualler. + </p> + <p> + “I’ll call it the ‘United States Grill,’” I said suddenly, as if by + inspiration. + </p> + <p> + “Three rousing cheers for the U.S. Grill!” shouted Cousin Egbert to the + surrounding hills, and repairing to the hut he brought out hot toddies + with which we drank success to the new enterprise. For a half-hour, I dare + say, we discussed details there in the cold night, not seeing that it was + quite preposterously bizarre. Returning to the hut at last, Cousin Egbert + declared himself so chilled that he must have another toddy before + retiring, and, although I was already feeling myself the equal of any + American, I consented to join him. + </p> + <p> + Just before retiring again my attention centred a second time upon the + bearskin before my bed and, forgetting that I had already inquired about + it, I demanded of him if he had killed the animal. “Sure,” said he; + “killed it with one shot just as it was going to claw me. It was an awful + big one.” + </p> + <p> + Morning found the three of us engrossed with the new plan, and by the time + our guest rode away after luncheon the thing was well forward and I had + the Mixer’s order upon her estate agent at Red Gap for admission to the + vacant premises. During the remainder of the day, between games of + cribbage, Cousin Egbert and I discussed the venture. And it was now that I + began to foresee a certain difficulty. + </p> + <p> + How, I asked myself, would the going into trade of Colonel Marmaduke + Ruggles be regarded by those who had been his social sponsors in Red Gap? + I mean to say, would not Mrs. Effie and the Belknap-Jacksons feel that I + had played them false? Had I not given them the right to believe that I + should continue, during my stay in their town, to be one whom their county + families would consider rather a personage? It was idle, indeed, for me to + deny that my personality as well as my assumed origin and social position + abroad had conferred a sort of prestige upon my sponsors; that on my + account, in short, the North Side set had been newly armed in its battle + with the Bohemian set. And they relied upon my continued influence. How, + then, could I face them with the declaration that I meant to become a + tradesman? Should I be doing a caddish thing, I wondered? + </p> + <p> + Putting the difficulty to Cousin Egbert, he dismissed it impatiently by + saying: “Oh, shucks!” In truth I do not believe he comprehended it in the + least. But then it was that I fell upon my inspiration. I might take + Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles from the North Side set, but I would give them + another and bigger notable in his place. This should be none other than + the Honourable George, whom I would now summon. A fortnight before I had + received a rather snarky letter from him demanding to know how long I + meant to remain in North America and disclosing that he was in a wretched + state for want of some one to look after him. And he had even hinted that + in the event of my continued absence he might himself come out to America + and fetch me back. His quarter’s allowance, would, I knew, be due in a + fortnight, and my letter would reach him, therefore, before some + adventurer had sold him a system for beating the French games of chance. + And my letter would be compelling. I would make it a summons he could not + resist. Thus, when I met the reproachful gaze of the C. Belknap-Jacksons + and of Mrs. Effie, I should be able to tell them: “I go from you, but I + leave you a better man in my place.” With the Honourable George Augustus + Vane-Basingwell, next Earl of Brinstead, as their house guest, I made no + doubt that the North Side set would at once prevail as it never had + before, the Bohemian set losing at once such of its members as really + mattered, who would of course be sensible of the tremendous social + importance of the Honourable George. + </p> + <p> + Yet there came moments in which I would again find myself in no end of a + funk, foreseeing difficulties of an insurmountable character. At such + times Cousin Egbert strove to cheer me with all sorts of assurances, and + to divert my mind he took me upon excursions of the roughest sort into the + surrounding jungle, in search either of fish or ground game. After three + days of this my park-suit became almost a total ruin, particularly as to + the trousers, so that I was glad to borrow a pair of overalls such as + Cousin Egbert wore. They were a tidy fit, but, having resolved not to + resist America any longer, I donned them without even removing the + advertising placard. + </p> + <p> + With my ever-lengthening stubble of beard it will be understood that I now + appeared as one of their hearty Western Americans of the roughest type, + which was almost quite a little odd, considering my former principles. + Cousin Egbert, I need hardly say, was immensely pleased with my changed + appearance, and remarked that I was “sure a live wire.” He also heartened + me in the matter of the possible disapproval of C. Belknap-Jackson, which + he had divined was the essential rabbit in my moodiness. + </p> + <p> + “I admit the guy uses beautiful language,” he conceded, “and probably he’s + top-notched in education, but jest the same he ain’t the whole seven + pillars of the house of wisdom, not by a long shot. If he gets fancy with + you, sock him again. You done it once.” So far was the worthy fellow from + divining the intimate niceties involved in my giving up a social career + for trade. Nor could he properly estimate the importance of my plan to + summon the Honourable George to Red Gap, merely remarking that the “Judge” + was all right and a good mixer and that the boys would give him a swell + time. + </p> + <p> + Our return journey to Red Gap was made in company with the Indian Tuttle, + and the two cow-persons, Hank and Buck, all of whom professed themselves + glad to meet me again, and they, too, were wildly enthusiastic at hearing + from Cousin Egbert of my proposed business venture. Needless to say they + were of a class that would bother itself little with any question of + social propriety involved in my entering trade, and they were loud in + their promises of future patronage. At this I again felt some misgiving, + for I meant the United States Grill to possess an atmosphere of quiet + refinement calculated to appeal to particular people that really mattered; + and yet it was plain that, keeping a public house, I must be prepared to + entertain agricultural labourers and members of the lower or working + classes. For a time I debated having an ordinary for such as these, where + they could be shut away from my selecter patrons, but eventually decided + upon a tariff that would be prohibitive to all but desirable people. The + rougher or Bohemian element, being required to spring an extra shilling, + would doubtless seek other places. + </p> + <p> + For two days we again filed through mountain gorges of a most awkward + character, reaching Red Gap at dusk. For this I was rather grateful, not + only because of my beard and the overalls, but on account of a hat of the + most shocking description which Cousin Egbert had pressed upon me when my + own deer-stalker was lost in a glen. I was willing to roughen it in all + good-fellowship with these worthy Americans, but I knew that to those who + had remarked my careful taste in dress my present appearance would seem + almost a little singular. I would rather I did not shock them to this + extent. + </p> + <p> + Yet when our animals had been left in their corral, or rude enclosure, I + found it would be ungracious to decline the hospitality of my new friends + who wished to drink to the success of the U.S. Grill, and so I accompanied + them to several public houses, though with the shocking hat pulled well + down over my face. Also, as the dinner hour passed, I consented to dine + with them at the establishment of a Chinese, where we sat on high stools + at a counter and were served ham and eggs and some of the simpler American + foods. + </p> + <p> + The meal being over, I knew that we ought to cut off home directly, but + Cousin Egbert again insisted upon visiting drinking-places, and I had no + mind to leave him, particularly as he was growing more and more bitter in + my behalf against Mr. Belknap-Jackson. I had a doubtless absurd fear that + he would seek the gentleman out and do him a mischief, though for the + moment he was merely urging me to do this. It would, he asserted, vastly + entertain the Indian Tuttle and the cow-persons if I were to come upon Mr. + Belknap-Jackson and savage him without warning, or at least with only a + paltry excuse, which he seemed proud of having devised. + </p> + <p> + “You go up to the guy,” he insisted, “very polite, you understand, and ask + him what day this is. If he says it’s Tuesday, sock him.” + </p> + <p> + “But it is Tuesday,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “Sure,” he replied, “that’s where the joke comes in.” + </p> + <p> + Of course this was the crudest sort of American humour and not to be given + a moment’s serious thought, so I redoubled my efforts to detach him from + our honest but noisy friends, and presently had the satisfaction of doing + so by pleading that I must be up early on the morrow and would also + require his assistance. At parting, to my embarrassment, he insisted on + leading the group in a cheer. “What’s the matter with Ruggles?” they + loudly demanded in unison, following the query swiftly with: “He’s all + right!” the “he” being eloquently emphasized. + </p> + <p> + But at last we were away from them and off into the darker avenue, to my + great relief, remembering my garb. I might be a living wire, as Cousin + Egbert had said, but I was keenly aware that his overalls and hat would + rather convey the impression that I was what they call in the States a bad + person from a bitter creek. + </p> + <p> + To my further relief, the Floud house was quite dark as we approached and + let ourselves in. Cousin Egbert, however, would enter the drawing-room, + flood it with light, and seat himself in an easy-chair with his feet + lifted to a sofa. He then raised his voice in a ballad of an infant that + had perished, rendering it most tearfully, the refrain being, “Empty is + the cradle, baby’s gone!” Apprehensive at this, I stole softly up the + stairs and had but reached the door of my own room when I heard Mrs. Effie + below. I could fancy the chilling gaze which she fastened upon the singer, + and I heard her coldly demand, “Where are your feet?” Whereupon the + plaintive voice of Cousin Egbert arose to me, “Just below my legs.” I mean + to say, he had taken the thing as a quiz in anatomy rather than as the + rebuke it was meant to be. As I closed my door, I heard him add that he + could be pushed just so far. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER THIRTEEN + </h2> + <p> + Having written and posted my letter to the Honourable George the following + morning, I summoned Mr. Belknap-Jackson, conceiving it my first duty to + notify him and Mrs. Effie of my trade intentions. I also requested Cousin + Egbert to be present, since he was my business sponsor. + </p> + <p> + All being gathered at the Floud house, including Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, I + told them straight that I had resolved to abandon my social career, + brilliant though it had been, and to enter trade quite as one of their + middle-class Americans. They all gasped a bit at my first words, as I had + quite expected them to do, but what was my surprise, when I went on to + announce the nature of my enterprise, to find them not a little intrigued + by it, and to discover that in their view I should not in the least be + lowering myself. + </p> + <p> + “Capital, capital!” exclaimed Belknap-Jackson, and the ladies emitted + little exclamations of similar import. + </p> + <p> + “At last,” said Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, “we shall have a place with tone to + it. The hall above will be splendid for our dinner dances, and now we can + have smart luncheons and afternoon teas.” + </p> + <p> + “And a red-coated orchestra and after-theatre suppers,” said Mrs. Effie. + </p> + <p> + “Only,” put in Belknap-Jackson thoughtfully, “he will of course be + compelled to use discretion about his patrons. The rabble, of course——” + He broke off with a wave of his hand which, although not pointedly, seemed + to indicate Cousin Egbert, who once more wore the hunted look about his + eyes and who sat by uneasily. I saw him wince. + </p> + <p> + “Some people’s money is just as good as other people’s if you come right + down to it,” he muttered, “and Bill is out for the coin. Besides, we all + got to eat, ain’t we?” + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson smiled deprecatingly and again waved his hand as if there + were no need for words. + </p> + <p> + “That rowdy Bohemian set——” began Mrs. Effie, but I made bold + to interrupt. There might, I said, be awkward moments, but I had no doubt + that I should be able to meet them with a flawless tact. Meantime, for the + ultimate confusion of the Bohemian set of Red Gap, I had to announce that + the Honourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell would presently be with us. + With him as a member of the North Side set, I pointed out, it was not + possible to believe that any desirable members of the Bohemian set would + longer refuse to affiliate with the smartest people. + </p> + <p> + My announcement made quite all the sensation I had anticipated. + Belknap-Jackson, indeed, arose quickly and grasped me by the hand, + echoing, “The Honourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell, brother of the + Earl of Brinstead,” with little shivers of ecstasy in his voice, while the + ladies pealed their excitement incoherently, with “Really! really!” and + “Actually coming to Red Gap—the brother of a lord!” + </p> + <p> + Then almost at once I detected curiously cold glances being darted at each + other by the ladies. + </p> + <p> + “Of course we will be only too glad to put him up,” said Mrs. + Belknap-Jackson quickly. + </p> + <p> + “But, my dear, he will of course come to us first,” put in Mrs. Effie. + “Afterward, to be sure——” + </p> + <p> + “It’s so important that he should receive a favourable impression,” + responded Mrs. Belknap-Jackson. + </p> + <p> + “That’s exactly why——” Mrs. Effie came back with not a little + obvious warmth. Belknap-Jackson here caught my eye. + </p> + <p> + “I dare say Ruggles and I can be depended upon to decide a minor matter + like that,” he said. + </p> + <p> + The ladies both broke in at this, rather sputteringly, but Cousin Egbert + silenced them. + </p> + <p> + “Shake dice for him,” he said—“poker dice, three throws, aces low.” + </p> + <p> + “How shockingly vulgar!” hissed Mrs. Belknap-Jackson. + </p> + <p> + “Even if there were no other reason for his coming to us,” remarked her + husband coldly, “there are certain unfortunate associations which ought to + make his entertainment here quite impossible.” + </p> + <p> + “If you’re calling me ‘unfortunate associations,’” remarked Cousin Egbert, + “you want to get it out of your head right off. I don’t mind telling you, + the Judge and I get along fine together. I told him when I was in Paris + and Europe to look me up the first thing if ever he come here, and he said + he sure would. The Judge is some mixer, believe me!” + </p> + <p> + “The ‘Judge’!” echoed the Belknap-Jacksons in deep disgust. + </p> + <p> + “You come right down to it—I bet a cookie he stays just where I tell + him to stay,” insisted Cousin Egbert. The evident conviction of his tone + alarmed his hearers, who regarded each other with pained speculation. + </p> + <p> + “Right where I tell him to stay and no place else,” insisted Cousin + Egbert, sensing the impression he had made. + </p> + <p> + “But this is too monstrous!” said Mr. Jackson, regarding me imploringly. + </p> + <p> + “The Honourable George,” I admitted, “has been known to do unexpected + things, and there have been times when he was not as sensitive as I could + wish to the demands of his caste——” + </p> + <p> + “Bill is stalling—he knows darned well the Judge is a mixer,” broke + in Cousin Egbert, somewhat to my embarrassment, nor did any reply occur to + me. There was a moment’s awkward silence during which I became sensitive + to a radical change in the attitude which these people bore to Cousin + Egbert. They shot him looks of furtive but unmistakable respect, and Mrs. + Effie remarked almost with tenderness: “We must admit that Cousin Egbert + has a certain way with him.” + </p> + <p> + “I dare say Floud and I can adjust the matter satisfactorily to all,” + remarked Belknap-Jackson, and with a jaunty affection of good-fellowship, + he opened his cigarette case to Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “I ain’t made up my mind yet where I’ll have him stay,” announced the + latter, too evidently feeling his newly acquired importance. “I may have + him stay one place, then again I may have him stay another. I can’t decide + things like that off-hand.” + </p> + <p> + And here the matter was preposterously left, the aspirants for this social + honour patiently bending their knees to the erstwhile despised Cousin + Egbert, and the latter being visibly puffed up. By rather awkward stages + they came again to a discussion of the United States Grill. + </p> + <p> + “The name, of course, might be thought flamboyant,” suggested + Belknap-Jackson delicately. + </p> + <p> + “But I have determined,” I said, “no longer to resist America, and so I + can think of no name more fitting.” + </p> + <p> + “Your determination,” he answered, “bears rather sinister implications. + One may be vanquished by America as I have been. One may even submit; but + surely one may always resist a little, may not one? One need not abjectly + surrender one’s finest convictions, need one?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, shucks,” put in Cousin Egbert petulantly, “what’s the use of all that + ‘one’ stuff? Bill wants a good American name for his place. Me? I first + thought the ‘Bon Ton Eating House’ would be kind of a nice name for it, + but as soon as he said the ‘United States Grill’ I knew it was a better + one. It sounds kind of grand and important.” + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson here made deprecating clucks, but not too directly toward + Cousin Egbert, and my choice of a name was not further criticised. I went + on to assure them that I should have an establishment quietly smart rather + than noisily elegant, and that I made no doubt the place would give a new + tone to Red Gap, whereat they all expressed themselves as immensely + pleased, and our little conference came to an end. + </p> + <p> + In company with Cousin Egbert I now went to examine the premises I was to + take over. There was a spacious corner room, lighted from the front and + side, which would adapt itself well to the decorative scheme I had in + mind. The kitchen with its ranges I found would be almost quite suitable + for my purpose, requiring but little alteration, but the large room was of + course atrociously impossible in the American fashion, with unsightly + walls, the floors covered with American cloth of a garish pattern, and the + small, oblong tables and flimsy chairs vastly uninviting. + </p> + <p> + As to the gross ideals of the former tenant, I need only say that he had + made, as I now learned, a window display of foods, quite after the manner + of a draper’s window: moulds of custard set in a row, flanked on either + side by “pies,” as the natives call their tarts, with perhaps a roast fowl + or ham in the centre. Artistic vulgarity could of course go little beyond + this, but almost as offensive were the abundant wall-placards pathetically + remaining in place. + </p> + <p> + “Coffee like mother used to make,” read one. Impertinently intimate this, + professing a familiarity with one’s people that would never do with us. + “Try our Boston Baked Beans,” pleaded another, quite abjectly. And several + others quite indelicately stated the prices at which different dishes + might be had: “Irish Stew, 25 cents”; “Philadelphia Capon, 35 cents”; + “Fried Chicken, Maryland, 50 cents”; “New York Fancy Broil, 40 cents.” + Indeed the poor chap seemed to have been possessed by a geographical + mania, finding it difficult to submit the simplest viands without + crediting them to distant towns or provinces. + </p> + <p> + Upon Cousin Egbert’s remarking that these bedizened placards would “come + in handy,” I took pains to explain to him just how different the United + States Grill would be. The walls would be done in deep red; the floor + would be covered with a heavy Turkey carpet of the same tone; the present + crude electric lighting fixtures must be replaced with indirect lighting + from the ceiling and electric candlesticks for the tables. The latter + would be massive and of stained oak, my general colour-scheme being red + and brown. The chairs would be of the same style, comfortable chairs in + which patrons would be tempted to linger. The windows would be heavily + draped. In a word, the place would have atmosphere; not the loud and + blaring, elegance which I had observed in the smartest of New York + establishments, with shrieking decorations and tables jammed together, but + an atmosphere of distinction which, though subtle, would yet impress + shop-assistants, plate-layers and road-menders, hodmen, carters, + cattle-persons—in short the middle-class native. + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert, I fear, was not properly impressed with my plan, for he + looked longingly at the wall-placards, yet he made the most loyal pretence + to this effect, even when I explained further that I should probably have + no printed menu, which I have always regarded as the ultimate vulgarity in + a place where there are any proper relations between patrons and steward. + He made one wistful, timid reference to the “Try Our Merchant’s Lunch for + 35 cents,” after which he gave in entirely, particularly when I explained + that ham and eggs in the best manner would be forthcoming at his order, + even though no placard vaunted them or named their price. Advertising + one’s ability to serve ham and eggs, I pointed out to him, would be quite + like advertising that one was a member of the Church of England. + </p> + <p> + After this he meekly enough accompanied me to his bank, where he placed a + thousand pounds to my credit, adding that I could go as much farther as I + liked, whereupon I set in motion the machinery for decorating and + furnishing the place, with particular attention to silver, linen, china, + and glassware, all of which, I was resolved, should have an air of its + own. + </p> + <p> + Nor did I neglect to seek out the pair of blacks and enter into an + agreement with them to assist in staffing my place. I had feared that the + male black might have resolved to return to his adventurous life of + outlawry after leaving the employment of Belknap-Jackson, but I found him + peacefully inclined and entirely willing to accept service with me, while + his wife, upon whom I would depend for much of the actual cooking, was + wholly enthusiastic, admiring especially my colour-scheme of reds. I + observed at once that her almost exclusive notion of preparing food was to + fry it, but I made no doubt that I would be able to broaden her scope, + since there are of course things that one simply does not fry. + </p> + <p> + The male black, or raccoon, at first alarmed me not a little by reason of + threats he made against Belknap-Jackson on account of having been shopped. + He nursed an intention, so he informed me, of putting snake-dust in the + boots of his late employer and so bringing evil upon him, either by + disease or violence, but in this I discouraged him smartly, apprising him + that the Belknap-Jacksons would doubtless be among our most desirable + patrons, whereupon his wife promised for him that he would do nothing of + the sort. She was a native of formidable bulk, and her menacing glare at + her consort as she made this promise gave me instant confidence in her + power to control him, desperate fellow though he was. + </p> + <p> + Later in the day, at the door of the silversmith’s, Cousin Egbert hailed + the pressman I had met on the evening of my arrival, and insisted that I + impart to him the details of my venture. The chap seemed vastly + interested, and his sheet the following morning published the following: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE DELMONICO OF THE WEST + + Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles of London and Paris, for the past + two months a social favourite in Red Gap’s select North Side + set, has decided to cast his lot among us and will henceforth + be reckoned as one of our leading business men. The plan of + the Colonel is nothing less than to give Red Gap a truly élite + and recherché restaurant after the best models of London and + Paris, to which purpose he will devote a considerable portion + of his ample means. The establishment will occupy the roomy + corner store of the Pettengill block, and orders have already + been placed for its decoration and furnishing, which will be + sumptuous beyond anything yet seen in our thriving metropolis. + + In speaking of his enterprise yesterday, the Colonel remarked, + with a sly twinkle in his eye, “Demosthenes was the son of a + cutler, Cromwell’s father was a brewer, your General Grant was + a tanner, and a Mr. Garfield, who held, I gather, an important + post in your government, was once employed on a canal-ship, so + I trust that in this land of equality it will not be presumptuous + on my part to seek to become the managing owner of a restaurant + that will be a credit to the fastest growing town in the state. + + “You Americans have,” continued the Colonel in his dry, inimitable + manner, “a bewildering variety of foodstuffs, but I trust I may + be forgiven for saying that you have used too little constructive + imagination in the cooking of it. In the one matter of tea, + for example, I have been obliged to figure in some episodes + that were profoundly regrettable. Again, amid the profusion of + fresh vegetables and meats, you are becoming a nation of tinned + food eaters, or canned food as you prefer to call it. This, + I need hardly say, adds to your cost of living and also makes + you liable to one of the most dreaded of modern diseases, a + disease whose rise can be traced to the rise of the tinned-food + industry. Your tin openers rasp into the tin with the result + that a fine sawdust of metal must drop into the contents and + so enter the human system. The result is perhaps negligible in + a large majority of cases, but that it is not universally so + is proved by the prevalence of appendicitis. Not orange or + grape pips, as was so long believed, but the deadly fine rain + of metal shavings must be held responsible for this scourge. + I need hardly say that at the United States Grill no tinned + food will be used.” + + This latest discovery of the Colonel’s is important if true. + Be that as it may, his restaurant will fill a long-felt want, + and will doubtless prove to be an important factor in the social + gayeties of our smart set. Due notice of its opening will be + given in the news and doubtless in the advertising columns of + this journal. +</pre> + <p> + Again I was brought to marvel at a peculiarity of the American press, a + certain childish eagerness for marvels and grotesque wonders. I had given + but passing thought to my remarks about appendicitis and its relation to + the American tinned-food habit, nor, on reading the chap’s screed, did + they impress me as being fraught with vital interest to thinking people; + in truth, I was more concerned with the comparison of myself to a + restaurateur of the crude new city of New York, which might belittle + rather than distinguish me, I suspected. But what was my astonishment to + perceive in the course of a few days that I had created rather a + sensation, with attending newspaper publicity which, although bizarre + enough, I am bound to say contributed not a little to the consideration in + which I afterward came to be held by the more serious-minded persons of + Red Gap. + </p> + <p> + Busied with the multitude of details attending my installation, I was + called upon by another press chap, representing a Spokane sheet, who + wished me to elaborate my views concerning the most probable cause of + appendicitis, which I found myself able to do with some eloquence, + reciting among other details that even though the metal dust might be of + an almost microscopic fineness, it could still do a mischief to one’s + appendix. The press chap appeared wholly receptive to my views, and, after + securing details of my plan to smarten Red Gap with a restaurant of real + distinction, he asked so civilly for a photographic portrait of myself + that I was unable to refuse him. The thing was a snap taken of me one + morning at Chaynes-Wotten by Higgins, the butler, as I stood by his + lordship’s saddle mare. It was not by any means the best likeness I have + had, but there was a rather effective bit of background disclosing the + driveway and the façade of the East Wing. + </p> + <p> + This episode I had well-nigh forgotten when on the following Sunday I + found the thing emblazoned across a page of the Spokane sheet under a + shrieking headline: “Can Opener Blamed for Appendicitis.” A secondary + heading ran, “Famous British Sportsman and Bon Vivant Advances Novel + Theory.” Accompanying this was a print of the photograph entitled, + “Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles with His Favourite Hunter, at His English + Country Seat.” + </p> + <p> + Although the article made suitable reference to myself and my enterprise, + it was devoted chiefly to a discussion of my tin-opening theory and was + supplemented by a rather snarky statement signed by a physician declaring + it to be nonsense. I thought the fellow might have chosen his words with + more care, but again dismissed the matter from my mind. Yet this was not + to be the last of it. In due time came a New York sheet with a most + extraordinary page. “Titled Englishman Learns Cause of Appendicitis,” read + the heading in large, muddy type. Below was the photograph of myself, now + entitled, “Sir Marmaduke Ruggles and His Favourite Hunter.” But this was + only one of the illustrations. From the upper right-hand corner a gigantic + hand wielding a tin-opener rained a voluminous spray of metal, presumably, + upon a cowering wretch in the lower left-hand corner, who was quite + plainly all in. There were tables of statistics showing the increase, side + by side of appendicitis and the tinned-food industry, a matter to which I + had devoted, said the print, years of research before announcing my + discovery. Followed statements from half a dozen distinguished surgeons, + each signed autographically, all but one rather bluntly disagreeing with + me, insisting that the tin-opener cuts cleanly and, if not man’s best + friend, should at least be considered one of the triumphs of civilization. + The only exception announced that he was at present conducting laboratory + experiments with a view to testing my theory and would disclose his + results in due time. Meantime, he counselled the public to be not unduly + alarmed. + </p> + <p> + Of the further flood of these screeds, which continued for the better part + of a year, I need not speak. They ran the gamut from serious leaders in + medical journals to paid ridicule of my theory in advertisements printed + by the food-tinning persons, and I have to admit that in the end the + public returned to a full confidence in its tinned foods. But that is + beside the point, which was that Red Gap had become intensely interested + in the United States Grill, and to this I was not averse, though I would + rather I had been regarded as one of their plain, common sort, instead of + the fictitious Colonel which Cousin Egbert’s well-meaning stupidity had + foisted upon the town. The “Sir Marmaduke Ruggles and His Favourite + Hunter” had been especially repugnant to my finer taste, particularly as + it was seized upon by the cheap one-and-six fellow Hobbs for some of his + coarsest humour, he more than once referring to that detestable cur of + Mrs. Judson’s, who had quickly resumed his allegiance to me, as my + “hunting pack.” + </p> + <p> + The other tradesmen of the town, I am bound to say, exhibited a friendly + interest in my venture which was always welcome and often helpful. Even + one of my competitors showed himself to be a dead sport by coming to me + from time to time with hints and advice. He was an entirely worthy person + who advertised his restaurant as “Bert’s Place.” “Go to Bert’s Place for a + Square Meal,” was his favoured line in the public prints. He, also, I + regret to say, made a practice of displaying cooked foods in his + show-window, the window carrying the line in enamelled letters, “Tables + Reserved for Ladies.” + </p> + <p> + Of course between such an establishment and my own there could be little + in common, and I was obliged to reject a placard which he offered me, + reading, “No Checks Cashed. This Means You!” although he and Cousin Egbert + warmly advised that I display it in a conspicuous place. “Some of them + dead beats in the North Side set will put you sideways if you don’t,” + warned the latter, but I held firmly to the line of quiet refinement which + I had laid down, and explained that I could allow no such inconsiderate + mention of money to be obtruded upon the notice of my guests. I would + devise some subtler protection against the dead beet-roots. + </p> + <p> + In the matter of music, however, I was pleased to accept the advice of + Cousin Egbert. “Get one of them musical pianos that you put a nickel in,” + he counselled me, and this I did, together with an assorted repertoire of + selections both classical and popular, the latter consisting chiefly of + the ragging time songs to which the native Americans perform their + folkdances. + </p> + <p> + And now, as the date of my opening drew near, I began to suspect that its + social values might become a bit complicated. Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, for + example, approached me in confidence to know if she might reserve all the + tables in my establishment for the opening evening, remarking that it + would be as well to put the correct social cachet upon the place at once, + which would be achieved by her inviting only the desirable people. Though + she was all for settling the matter at once, something prompted me to take + it under consideration. + </p> + <p> + The same evening Mrs. Effie approached me with a similar suggestion, + remarking that she would gladly take it upon herself to see that the + occasion was unmarred by the presence of those one would not care to meet + in one’s own home. Again I was non-committal, somewhat to her annoyance. + </p> + <p> + The following morning I was sought by Mrs. Judge Ballard with the + information that much would depend upon my opening, and if the matter were + left entirely in her hands she would be more than glad to insure its + success. Of her, also, I begged a day’s consideration, suspecting then + that I might be compelled to ask these three social leaders to unite + amicably as patronesses of an affair that was bound to have a supreme + social significance. But as I still meditated profoundly over the + complication late that afternoon, overlooking in the meanwhile an + electrician who was busy with my shaded candlesticks, I was surprised by + the self-possessed entrance of the leader of the Bohemian set, the + Klondike person of whom I have spoken. Again I was compelled to observe + that she was quite the most smartly gowned woman in Red Gap, and that she + marvellously knew what to put on her head. + </p> + <p> + She coolly surveyed my decorations and such of the furnishings as were in + place before addressing me. + </p> + <p> + “I wish to engage one of your best tables,” she began, “for your opening + night—the tenth, isn’t it?—this large one in the corner will + do nicely. There will be eight of us. Your place really won’t be half bad, + if your food is at all possible.” + </p> + <p> + The creature spoke with a sublime effrontery, quite as if she had not + helped a few weeks before to ridicule all that was best in Red Gap + society, yet there was that about her which prevented me from rebuking her + even by the faintest shade in my manner. More than this, I suddenly saw + that the Bohemian set would be a factor in my trade which I could not + afford to ignore. While I affected to consider her request she tapped the + toe of a small boot with a correctly rolled umbrella, lifting her chin + rather attractively meanwhile to survey my freshly done ceiling. I may say + here that the effect of her was most compelling, and I could well + understand the bitterness with which the ladies of the Onwards and Upwards + Society had gossiped her to rags. Incidently, this was the first correctly + rolled umbrella, saving my own, that I had seen in North America. + </p> + <p> + “I shall be pleased,” I said, “to reserve this table for you—eight + places, I believe you said?” + </p> + <p> + She left me as a duchess might have. She was that sort. I felt almost + quite unequal to her. And the die was cast. I faced each of the three + ladies who had previously approached me with the declaration that I was a + licensed victualler, bound to serve all who might apply. That while I was + keenly sensitive to the social aspects of my business, it was yet a + business, and I must, therefore, be in supreme control. In justice to + myself I could not exclusively entertain any faction of the North Side + set, nor even the set in its entirety. In each instance, I added that I + could not debar from my tables even such members of the Bohemian set as + conducted themselves in a seemly manner. It was a difficult situation, + calling out all my tact, yet I faced it with a firmness which was later to + react to my advantage in ways I did not yet dream of. + </p> + <p> + So engrossed for a month had I been with furnishers, decorators, char + persons, and others that the time of the Honourable George’s arrival drew + on quite before I realized it. A brief and still snarky note had apprised + me of his intention to come out to North America, whereupon I had all but + forgotten him, until a telegram from Chicago or one of those places had + warned me of his imminence. This I displayed to Cousin Egbert, who, much + pleased with himself, declared that the Honourable George should be taken + to the Floud home directly upon his arrival. + </p> + <p> + “I meant to rope him in there on the start,” he confided to me, “but I let + on I wasn’t decided yet, just to keep ‘em stirred up. Mrs. Effie she + butters me up with soft words every day of my life, and that Jackson lad + has offered me about ten thousand of them vegetable cigarettes, but I’ll + have to throw him down. He’s the human flivver. Put him in a car of + dressed beef and he’d freeze it between here and Spokane. Yes, sir; you + could cut his ear off and it wouldn’t bleed. I ain’t going to run the + Judge against no such proposition like that.” Of course the poor chap was + speaking his own backwoods metaphor, as I am quite sure he would have been + incapable of mutilating Belknap-Jackson, or even of imprisoning him in a + goods van of beef. I mean to say, it was merely his way of speaking and + was not to be taken at all literally. + </p> + <p> + As a result of his ensuing call upon the pressman, the sheet of the + following morning contained word of the Honourable George’s coming, the + facts being not garbled more than was usual with this chap. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + RED GAP’S NOTABLE GUEST + + En route for our thriving metropolis is a personage no + less distinguished than the Honourable George Augustus + Vane-Basingwell, only brother and next in line of + succession to his lordship the Earl of Brinstead, the + well-known British peer of London, England. Our noble + visitor will be the house guest of Senator and Mrs. + J. K. Floud, at their palatial residence on Ophir Avenue, + where he will be extensively entertained, particularly by + our esteemed fellow-townsman, Egbert G. Floud, with whom + he recently hobnobbed during the latter’s stay in Paris, + France. His advent will doubtless prelude a season of + unparalleled gayety, particularly as Mr. Egbert Floud + assures us that the “Judge,” as he affectionately calls + him, is “sure some mixer.” If this be true, the gentleman + has selected a community where his talent will find ample + scope, and we bespeak for his lordship a hearty welcome. +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER FOURTEEN + </h2> + <p> + I must do Cousin Egbert the justice to say that he showed a due sense of + his responsibility in meeting the Honourable George. By general consent + the honour had seemed to fall to him, both the Belknap-Jacksons and Mrs. + Effie rather timidly conceding his claim that the distinguished guest + would prefer it so. Indeed, Cousin Egbert had been loudly arrogant in the + matter, speaking largely of his European intimacy with the “Judge” until, + as he confided to me, he “had them all bisoned,” or, I believe, + “buffaloed” is the term he used, referring to the big-game animal that has + been swept from the American savannahs. + </p> + <p> + At all events no one further questioned his right to be at the station + when the Honourable George arrived, and for the first time almost since + his own homecoming he got himself up with some attention to detail. If + left to himself I dare say he would have donned frock-coat and top-hat, + but at my suggestion he chose his smartest lounge-suit, and I took pains + to see that the minor details of hat, boots, hose, gloves, etc., were + studiously correct without being at all assertive. + </p> + <p> + For my own part, I was also at some pains with my attire going consciously + a bit further with details than Cousin Egbert, thinking it best the + Honourable George should at once observe a change in my bearing and social + consequence so that nothing in his manner toward me might embarrassingly + publish our former relations. The stick, gloves, and monocle would achieve + this for the moment, and once alone I meant to tell him straight that all + was over between us as master and man, we having passed out of each + other’s lives in that respect. If necessary, I meant to read to him + certain passages from the so-called “Declaration of Independence,” and to + show him the fateful little card I had found, which would acquaint him, I + made no doubt, with the great change that had come upon me, after which + our intimacy would rest solely upon the mutual esteem which I knew to + exist between us. I mean to say, it would never have done for one moment + at home, but finding ourselves together in this wild and lawless country + we would neither of us try to resist America, but face each other as one + equal native to another. + </p> + <p> + Waiting on the station platform with Cousin Egbert, he confided to the + loungers there that he was come to meet his friend Judge Basingwell, + whereat all betrayed a friendly interest, though they were not at all + persons that mattered, being of the semi-leisured class who each day went + down, as they put it, “to see Number Six go through.” There was thus a + rather tense air of expectancy when the train pulled in. From one of the + Pullman night coaches emerged the Honourable George, preceded by a + blackamoor or raccoon bearing bags and bundles, and followed by another + uniformed raccoon and a white guard, also bearing bags and bundles, and + all betraying a marked anxiety. + </p> + <p> + One glance at the Honourable George served to confirm certain fears I had + suffered regarding his appearance. Topped by a deer-stalking fore-and-aft + cap in an inferior state of preservation, he wore the jacket of a + lounge-suit, once possible, doubtless, but now demoded, and a blazered + golfing waistcoat, striking for its poisonous greens, trousers from an + outing suit that I myself had discarded after it came to me, and boots of + an entirely shocking character. Of his cravat I have not the heart to + speak, but I may mention that all his garments were quite horrid with + wrinkles and seemed to have been slept in repeatedly. + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert at once rushed forward to greet his guest, while I busied + myself in receiving the hand-luggage, wishing to have our guest effaced + from the scene and secluded, with all possible speed. There were three + battered handbags, two rolls of travelling rugs, a stick-case, a + dispatch-case, a pair of binoculars, a hat-box, a top-coat, a storm-coat, + a portfolio of correspondence materials, a camera, a medicine-case, some + of these lacking either strap or handle. The attendants all emitted hearty + sighs of relief when these articles had been deposited upon the platform. + Without being told, I divined that the Honourable George had greatly + worried them during the long journey with his fretful demands for service, + and I tipped them handsomely while he was still engaged with Cousin Egbert + and the latter’s station-lounging friends to whom he was being presented. + At last, observing me, he came forward, but halted on surveying the + luggage, and screamed hoarsely to the last attendant who was now boarding + the train. The latter vanished, but reappeared, as the train moved off, + with two more articles, a vacuum night-flask and a tin of charcoal + biscuits, the absence of which had been swiftly detected by their owner. + </p> + <p> + It was at that moment that one of the loungers nearby made a peculiar + observation. “Gee!” said he to a native beside him, “it must take an awful + lot of trouble to be an Englishman.” At the moment this seemed to me to be + pregnant with meaning, though doubtless it was because I had so long been + a resident of the North American wilds. + </p> + <p> + Again the Honourable George approached me and grasped my hand before + certain details of my attire and, I fancy, a certain change in my bearing, + attracted his notice. Perhaps it was the single glass. His grasp of my + hand relaxed and he rubbed his eyes as if dazed from a blow, but I was + able to carry the situation off quite nicely under cover of the confusion + attending his many bags and bundles, being helped also at the moment by + the deeply humiliating discovery of a certain omission from his attire. I + could not at first believe my eyes and was obliged to look again and + again, but there could be no doubt about it: the Honourable George was + wearing a single spat! + </p> + <p> + I cried out at this, pointing, I fancy, in a most undignified manner, so + terrific had been the shock of it, and what was my amazement to hear him + say: “But I <i>had</i> only one, you silly! How could I wear ‘em both when + the other was lost in that bally rabbit-hutch they put me in on shipboard? + No bigger than a parcels-lift!” And he had too plainly crossed North + America in this shocking state! Glad I was then that Belknap-Jackson was + not present. The others, I dare say, considered it a mere freak of + fashion. As quickly as I could, I hustled him into the waiting carriage, + piling his luggage about him to the best advantage and hurrying Cousin + Egbert after him as rapidly as I could, though the latter, as on the + occasion of my own arrival, halted our departure long enough to present + the Honourable George to the driver. + </p> + <p> + “Judge, shake hands with my friend Eddie Pierce.” adding as the ceremony + was performed, “Eddie keeps a good team, any time you want a hack-ride.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, Judge,” remarked the driver cordially. “Just call up Main 224, any + time. Any friend of Sour-dough’s can have anything they want night or + day.” Whereupon he climbed to his box and we at last drove away. + </p> + <p> + The Honourable George had continued from the moment of our meeting to + glance at me in a peculiar, side-long fashion. He seemed fascinated and + yet unequal to a straight look at me. He was undoubtedly dazed, as I could + discern from his absent manner of opening the tin of charcoal biscuits and + munching one. I mean to say, it was too obviously a mere mechanical + impulse. + </p> + <p> + “I say,” he remarked to Cousin Egbert, who was beaming fondly at him, “how + strange it all is! It’s quite foreign.” + </p> + <p> + “The fastest-growing little town in the State,” said Cousin Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “But what makes it grow so silly fast?” demanded the other. + </p> + <p> + “Enterprise and industries,” answered Cousin Egbert loftily. + </p> + <p> + “Nothing to make a dust about,” remarked the Honourable George, staring + glassily at the main business thoroughfare. “I’ve seen larger towns—scores + of them.” + </p> + <p> + “You ain’t begun to see this town yet,” responded Cousin Egbert loyally, + and he called to the driver, “Has he, Eddie?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, he ain’t!” said the driver person genially. “Wait till he sees the + new waterworks and the sash-and-blind factory!” + </p> + <p> + “Is he one of your gentleman drivers?” demanded the Honourable George. + “And why a blind factory?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Eddie’s good people all right,” answered the other, “and the factory + turns out blinds and things.” + </p> + <p> + “Why turn them out?” he left this and continued: “He’s like that American + Johnny in London that drives his own coach to Brighton, yes? Ripping idea! + Gentleman driver. But I say, you know, I’ll sit on the box with him. Pull + up a bit, old son!” + </p> + <p> + To my consternation the driver chap halted, and before I could remonstrate + the Honourable George had mounted to the box beside him. Thankful I was we + had left the main street, though in the residence avenue where the change + was made we attracted far more attention than was desirable. “Didn’t I + tell you he was some mixer?” demanded Cousin Egbert of me, but I was too + sickened to make any suitable response. The Honourable George’s possession + of a single spat was now flaunted, as it were, in the face of Red Gap’s + best families. + </p> + <p> + “How foreign it all is!” he repeated, turning back to us, yet with only + his side-glance for me. “But the American Johnny in London had a much + smarter coach than this, and better animals, too. You’re not up to his + class yet, old thing!” + </p> + <p> + “That dish-faced pinto on the off side,” remarked the driver, “can outrun + anything in this town for fun, money, or marbles.” + </p> + <p> + “Marbles!” called the Honourable George to us; “why marbles? Silly things! + It’s all bally strange! And why do your villagers stare so?” + </p> + <p> + “Some little mixer, all right, all right,” murmured Cousin Egbert in a + sort of ecstasy, as we drew up at the Floud home. “And yet one of them + guys back there called him a typical Britisher. You bet I shut him up + quick—saying a thing like that about a plumb stranger. I’d ‘a’ mixed + it with him right there except I thought it was better to have things nice + and not start something the minute the Judge got here.” + </p> + <p> + With all possible speed I hurried the party indoors, for already faces + were appearing at the windows of neighbouring houses. Mrs. Effie, who met + us, allowed her glare at Cousin Egbert, I fancy, to affect the cordiality + of her greeting to the Honourable George; at least she seemed to be quite + as dazed as he, and there was a moment of constraint before he went on up + to the room that had been prepared for him. Once safely within the room I + contrived a moment alone with him and removed his single spat, not too + gently, I fear, for the nervous strain since his arrival had told upon me. + </p> + <p> + “You have reason to be thankful,” I said, “that Belknap-Jackson was not + present to witness this.” + </p> + <p> + “They cost seven and six,” he muttered, regarding the one spat wistfully. + “But why Belknap-Jackson?” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. C. Belknap-Jackson of Boston and Red Gap,” I returned sternly. “He + does himself perfectly. To think he might have seen you in this rowdyish + state!” And I hastened to seek a presentable lounge-suit from his bags. + </p> + <p> + “Everything is so strange,” he muttered again, quite helplessly. “And why + the mural decoration at the edge of the settlement? Why keep one’s eye + upon it? Why should they do such things? I say, it’s all quite monstrous, + you know.” + </p> + <p> + I saw that indeed he was quite done for with amazement, so I ran him a + bath and procured him a dish of tea. He rambled oddly at moments of things + the guard on the night-coach had told him of North America, of Niagara + Falls, and Missouri and other objects of interest. He was still almost + quite a bit dotty when I was obliged to leave him for an appointment with + the raccoon and his wife to discuss the menu of my opening dinner, but + Cousin Egbert, who had rejoined us, was listening sympathetically. As I + left, the two were pegging it from a bottle of hunting sherry which the + Honourable George had carried in his dispatch-case. I was about to warn + him that he would come out spotted, but instantly I saw that there must be + an end to such surveillance. I could not manage an enterprise of the + magnitude of the United States Grill and yet have an eye to his meat and + drink. I resolved to let spots come as they would. + </p> + <p> + On all hands I was now congratulated by members of the North Side set upon + the master-stroke I had played in adding the Honourable George to their + number. Not only did it promise to reunite certain warring factions in the + North Side set itself, but it truly bade fair to disintegrate the Bohemian + set. Belknap-Jackson wrung my hand that afternoon, begging me to inform + the Honourable George that he would call on the morrow to pay his + respects. Mrs. Judge Ballard besought me to engage him for an early + dinner, and Mrs. Effie, it is needless to say, after recovering from the + shock of his arrival, which she attributed to Cousin Egbert’s want of + taste, thanked me with a wealth of genuine emotion. + </p> + <p> + Only by slight degrees, then, did it fall to be noticed that the + Honourable George did not hold himself to be too strictly bound by our + social conventions as to whom one should be pally with. Thus, on the + morrow, at the hour when the Belknap-Jacksons called, he was regrettably + absent on what Cousin Egbert called “a hack-ride” with the driver person + he had met the day before, nor did they return until after the callers had + waited the better part of two hours. Cousin Egbert, as usual, received the + blame for this, yet neither of the Belknap-Jacksons nor Mrs. Effie dared + to upbraid him. + </p> + <p> + Being presented to the callers, I am bound to say that the Honourable + George showed himself to be immensely impressed by Belknap-Jackson, whom I + had never beheld more perfectly vogue in all his appointments. He became, + in fact, rather moody in the presence of this subtle niceness of detail, + being made conscious, I dare say, of his own sloppy lounge-suit, rumpled + cravat, and shocking boots, and despite Belknap-Jackson’s amiable efforts + to draw him into talk about hunting in the shires and our county society + at home, I began to fear that they would not hit it off together. The + Honourable George did, however, consent to drive with his caller the + following day, and I relied upon the tandem to recall him to his better + self. But when the callers had departed he became quite almost plaintive + to me. + </p> + <p> + “I say, you know, I shan’t be wanted to pal up much with that chap, shall + I? I mean to say, he wears so many clothes. They make me writhe as if I + wore them myself. It won’t do, you know.” + </p> + <p> + I told him very firmly that this was piffle of the most wretched sort. + That his caller wore but the prescribed number of garments, each vogue to + the last note, and that he was a person whom one must know. He responded + pettishly that he vastly preferred the gentleman driver with whom he had + spent the afternoon, and “Sour-dough,” as he was now calling Cousin + Egbert. + </p> + <p> + “Jolly chaps, with no swank,” he insisted. “We drove quite almost + everywhere—waterworks, cemetery, sash-and-blind factory. You know I + thought ‘blind factory’ was some of their bally American slang for the + shop of a chap who made eyeglasses and that sort of thing, but nothing of + the kind. They saw up timbers there quite all over the place and nail them + up again into articles. It’s all quite foreign.” + </p> + <p> + Nor was his account of his drive with Belknap-Jackson the following day a + bit more reassuring. + </p> + <p> + “He wouldn’t stop again at the sash-and-blind factory, where I wished to + see the timbers being sawed and nailed, but drove me to a country club + which was not in the country and wasn’t a club; not a human there, not + even a barman. Fancy a club of that sort! But he took me to his own house + for a glass of sherry and a biscuit, and there it wasn’t so rotten. Rather + a mother-in-law I think, she is—bally old booming grenadier—topping + sort—no end of fun. We palled up immensely and I quite forgot the + Jackson chap till it was time for him to drive me back to these diggings. + Rather sulky he was, I fancy; uppish sort. Told him the old one was quite + like old Caroline, dowager duchess of Clewe, but couldn’t tell if it + pleased him. Seemed to like it and seemed not to: rather uncertain. + </p> + <p> + “Asked him why the people of the settlement pronounced his name ‘Belknap + Hyphen Jackson,’ and that seemed to make him snarky again. I mean to say + names with hyphen marks in ‘em—I’d never heard the hyphen pronounced + before, but everything is so strange. He said only the lowest classes did + it as a form of coarse wit, and that he was wasting himself here. Wouldn’t + stay another day if it were not for family reasons. Queer sort of wheeze + to say ‘hyphen’ in a chap’s name as if it were a word, when it wasn’t at + all. The old girl, though—bellower she is—perfectly top-hole; + familiar with cattle—all that sort of thing. Sent away the chap’s + sherry and had ‘em bring whiskey and soda. The hyphen chap fidgeted a good + bit—nervous sort, I take it. Looked through a score of magazines, I + dare say, when he found we didn’t notice him much; turned the leaves too + fast to see anything, though; made noises and coughed—that sort of + thing. Fine old girl. Daughter, hyphen chap’s wife, tried to talk, too, + some rot about the season being well on here, and was there a good deal of + society in London, and would I be free for dinner on the ninth? + </p> + <p> + “Silly chatter! old girl talked sense: cattle, mines, timber, blind + factory, two-year olds, that kind of thing. Shall see her often. Not the + hyphen chap, though; too much like one of those Bond Street milliner-chap + managers.” + </p> + <p> + Vague misgivings here beset me as to the value of the Honourable George to + the North Side set. Nor could I feel at all reassured on the following day + when Mrs. Effie held an afternoon reception in his honour. That he should + be unaware of the event’s importance was to be expected, for as yet I had + been unable to get him to take the Red Gap social crisis seriously. At the + hour when he should have been dressed and ready I found him playing at + cribbage with Cousin Egbert in the latter’s apartment, and to my dismay he + insisted upon finishing the rubber although guests were already arriving. + </p> + <p> + Even when the game was done he flatly refused to dress suitably, declaring + that his lounge-suit should be entirely acceptable to these rough frontier + people, and he consented to go down at all only on condition that Cousin + Egbert would accompany him. Thereafter for an hour the two of them drank + tea uncomfortably as often as it was given them, and while the Honourable + George undoubtedly made his impression, I could not but regret that he had + so few conversational graces. + </p> + <p> + How different, I reflected, had been my own entrée into this county + society! As well as I might I again carried off the day for the Honourable + George, endeavouring from time to time to put him at his ease, yet he + breathed an unfeigned sigh of relief when the last guest had left and he + could resume his cribbage with Cousin Egbert. But he had received one + impression of which I was glad: an impression of my own altered social + quality, for I had graced the occasion with an urbanity which was as far + beyond him as it must have been astonishing. It was now that he began to + take seriously what I had told him of my business enterprise, so many of + the guests having mentioned it to him in terms of the utmost enthusiasm. + After my first accounts to him he had persisted in referring to it as a + tuck-shop, a sort of place where schoolboys would exchange their halfpence + for toffy, sweet-cakes, and marbles. + </p> + <p> + Now he demanded to be shown the premises and was at once duly impressed + both with their quiet elegance and my own business acumen. How it had all + come about, and why I should be addressed as “Colonel Ruggles” and treated + as a person of some importance in the community, I dare say he has never + comprehended to this day. As I had planned to do, I later endeavoured to + explain to him that in North America persons were almost quite equal to + one another—being born so—but at this he told me not to be + silly and continued to regard my rise as an insoluble part of the + strangeness he everywhere encountered, even after I added that Demosthenes + was the son of a cutler, that Cardinal Wolsey’s father had been a pork + butcher, and that Garfield had worked on a canal-boat. I found him quite + hopeless. “Chaps go dotty talkin’ that piffle,” was his comment. + </p> + <p> + At another time, I dare say, I should have been rather distressed over + this inability of the Honourable George to comprehend and adapt himself to + the peculiarities of American life as readily as I had done, but just now + I was quite too taken up with the details of my opening to give it the + deeper consideration it deserved. In fact, there were moments when I + confessed to myself that I did not care tuppence about it, such was the + strain upon my executive faculties. When decorators and furnishers had + done their work, when the choice carpet was laid, when the kitchen and + table equipments were completed to the last detail, and when the lighting + was artistically correct, there was still the matter of service. + </p> + <p> + As to this, I conceived and carried out what I fancy was rather a + brilliant stroke, which was nothing less than to eliminate the fellow + Hobbs as a social factor of even the Bohemian set. In contracting with him + for my bread and rolls, I took an early opportunity of setting the chap in + his place, as indeed it was not difficult to do when he had observed the + splendid scale on which I was operating. At our second interview he was + removing his hat and addressing me as “sir.” + </p> + <p> + While I have found that I can quite gracefully place myself on a level + with the middle-class American, there is a serving type of our own people + to which I shall eternally feel superior; the Hobbs fellow was of this + sort, having undeniably the soul of a lackey. In addition to jobbing his + bread and rolls, I engaged him as pantry man, and took on such members of + his numerous family as were competent. His wife was to assist my raccoon + cook in the kitchen, three of his sons were to serve as waiters, and his + youngest, a lad in his teens, I installed as vestiare, garbing him in a + smart uniform and posting him to relieve my gentleman patrons of their + hats and top-coats. A daughter was similarly installed as maid, and the + two achieved an effect of smartness unprecedented in Red Gap, an effect to + which I am glad to say that the community responded instantly. + </p> + <p> + In other establishments it was the custom for patrons to hang their + garments on hat-pegs, often under a printed warning that the proprietor + would disclaim responsibility in case of loss. In the one known as “Bert’s + Place” indeed the warning was positively vulgar: “Watch Your Overcoat.” Of + course that sort of coarseness would have been impossible in my own place. + </p> + <p> + As another important detail I had taken over from Mrs. Judson her stock of + jellies and compotes which I had found to be of a most excellent + character, and had ordered as much more as she could manage to produce, + together with cut flowers from her garden for my tables. She, herself, + being a young woman of the most pleasing capabilities, had done a bit of + charring for me and was now to be in charge of the glassware, linen, and + silver. I had found her, indeed, highly sympathetic with my highest aims, + and not a few of her suggestions as to management proved to be entirely + sound. Her unspeakable dog continued his quite objectionable advances to + me at every opportunity, in spite of my hitting him about, rather, when I + could do so unobserved, but the sinister interpretation that might be + placed upon this by the baser-minded was now happily answered by the + circumstance of her being in my employment. Her child, I regret to say, + was still grossly overfed, seldom having its face free from jam or other + smears. It persisted, moreover, in twisting my name into “Ruggums,” which + I found not a little embarrassing. + </p> + <p> + The night of my opening found me calmly awaiting the triumph that was due + me. As some one has said of Napoleon, I had won my battle in my tent + before the firing of a single shot. I mean to say, I had looked so + conscientiously after details, even to assuring myself that Cousin Egbert + and the Honourable George would appear in evening dress, my last act + having been to coerce each of them into purchasing varnished boots, the + former submitting meekly enough, though the Honourable George insisted it + was a silly fuss. + </p> + <p> + At seven o’clock, having devoted a final inspection to the kitchen where + the female raccoon was well on with the dinner, and having noted that the + members of my staff were in their places, I gave a last pleased survey of + my dining-room, with its smartly equipped tables, flower-bedecked, + gleaming in the softened light from my shaded candlesticks. Truly it was a + scene of refined elegance such as Red Gap had never before witnessed + within its own confines, and I had seen to it that the dinner as well + would mark an epoch in the lives of these simple but worthy people. + </p> + <p> + Not a heavy nor a cloying repast would they find. Indeed, the bare + simplicity of my menu, had it been previously disclosed, would doubtless + have disappointed more than one of my dinner-giving patronesses; but each + item had been perfected to an extent never achieved by them. Their + weakness had ever been to serve a profusion of neutral dishes, pleasing + enough to the eye, but unedifying except as a spectacle. I mean to say, as + food it was noncommittal; it failed to intrigue. + </p> + <p> + I should serve only a thin soup, a fish, small birds, two vegetables, a + salad, a sweet and a savoury, but each item would prove worthy of the + profoundest consideration. In the matter of thin soup, for example, the + local practice was to serve a fluid of which, beyond the circumstance that + it was warmish and slightly tinted, nothing of interest could ever be + ascertained. My own thin soup would be a revelation to them. Again, in the + matter of fish. This course with the hostesses of Red Gap had seemed to be + merely an excuse for a pause. I had truly sympathized with Cousin Egbert’s + bitter complaint: “They hand you a dab of something about the size of a + watch-charm with two strings of potato.” + </p> + <p> + For the first time, then, the fish course in Red Gap was to be an event, + an abundant portion of native fish with a lobster sauce which I had + carried out to its highest power. My birds, hot from the oven, would be + food in the strictest sense of the word, my vegetables cooked with a + zealous attention, and my sweet immensely appealing without being + pretentiously spectacular. And for what I believed to be quite the first + time in the town, good coffee would be served. Disheartening, indeed, had + been the various attenuations of coffee which had been imposed upon me in + my brief career as a diner-out among these people. Not one among them had + possessed the genius to master an acceptable decoction of the berry, the + bald simplicity of the correct formula being doubtless incredible to them. + </p> + <p> + The blare of a motor horn aroused me from this musing, and from that + moment I had little time for meditation until the evening, as the <i>Journal</i> + recorded the next morning, “had gone down into history.” My patrons + arrived in groups, couples, or singly, almost faster than I could seat + them. The Hobbs lad, as vestiare, would halt them for hats and wraps, + during which pause they would emit subdued cries of surprise and delight + at my beautifully toned ensemble, after which, as they walked to their + tables, it was not difficult to see that they were properly impressed. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Effie, escorted by the Honourable George and cousin Egbert, was among + the early arrivals; the Senator being absent from town at a sitting of the + House. These were quickly followed by the Belknap-Jacksons and the Mixer, + resplendent in purple satin and diamonds, all being at one of my large + tables, so that the Honourable George sat between Mrs. Belknap-Jackson and + Mrs. Effie, though he at first made a somewhat undignified essay to seat + himself next the Mixer. Needless to say, all were in evening dress, though + the Honourable George had fumbled grossly with his cravat and rumpled his + shirt, nor had he submitted to having his beard trimmed, as I had warned + him to do. As for Belknap-Jackson, I had never beheld him more truly vogue + in every detail, and his slightly austere manner in any Red Gap gathering + had never set him better. Both Mrs. Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. Effie wielded + their lorgnons upon the later comers, thus giving their table quite an + air. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Judge Ballard, who had come to be one of my staunchest adherents, + occupied an adjacent table with her family party and two or three of the + younger dancing set. The Indian Tuttle with his wife and two daughters + were also among the early comers, and I could not but marvel anew at the + red man’s histrionic powers. In almost quite correct evening attire, and + entirely decorous in speech and gesture, he might readily have been + thought some one that mattered, had he not at an early opportunity caught + my eye and winked with a sly significance. + </p> + <p> + Quite almost every one of the North Side set was present, imparting to my + room a general air of distinguished smartness, and in addition there were + not a few of what Belknap-Jackson had called the “rabble,” persons of no + social value, to be sure, but honest, well-mannered folk, small tradesmen, + shop-assistants, and the like. These plain people, I may say, I took + especial pains to welcome and put at their ease, for I had resolved, in + effect, to be one of them, after the manner prescribed by their + Declaration thing. + </p> + <p> + With quite all of them I chatted easily a moment or two, expressing the + hope that they would be well pleased with their entertainment. I noted + while thus engaged that Belknap-Jackson eyed me with frank and superior + cynicism, but this affected me quite not at all and I took pains to point + my indifference, chatting with increased urbanity with the two + cow-persons, Hank and Buck, who had entered rather uncertainly, not in + evening dress, to be sure, but in decent black as befitted their stations. + When I had prevailed upon them to surrender their hats to the vestiare and + had seated them at a table for two, they informed me in hoarse undertones + that they were prepared to “put a bet down on every card from soda to + hock,” so that I at first suspected they had thought me conducting a + gaming establishment, but ultimately gathered that they were merely + expressing a cordial determination to enter into the spirit of the + occasion. + </p> + <p> + There then entered, somewhat to my uneasiness, the Klondike woman and her + party. Being almost the last, it will be understood that they created no + little sensation as she led them down the thronged room to her table. She + was wearing an evening gown of lustrous black with the apparently simple + lines that are so baffling to any but the expert maker, with a black + picture hat that suited her no end. I saw more than one matron of the + North Side set stiffen in her seat, while Mrs. Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. + Effie turned upon her the chilling broadside of their lorgnons. + Belknap-Jackson merely drew himself up austerely. The three other women of + her party, flutterers rather, did little but set off their hostess. The + four men were of a youngish sort, chaps in banks, chemists’ assistants, + that sort of thing, who were constantly to be seen in her train. They were + especially reprobated by the matrons of the correct set by reason of their + deliberately choosing to ally themselves with the Bohemian set. + </p> + <p> + Acutely feeling the antagonism aroused by this group, I was momentarily + discouraged in a design I had half formed of using my undoubted influence + to unite the warring social factions of Red Gap, even as Bismarck had once + brought the warring Prussian states together in a federated Germany. I + began to see that the Klondike woman would forever prove unacceptable to + the North Side set. The cliques would unite against her, even if one + should find in her a spirit of reconciliation, which I supremely doubted. + </p> + <p> + The bustle having in a measure subsided, I gave orders for the soup to be + served, at the same time turning the current into the electric pianoforte. + I had wished for this opening number something attractive yet dignified, + which would in a manner of speaking symbolize an occasion to me at least + highly momentous. To this end I had chosen Handel’s celebrated Largo, and + at the first strains of this highly meritorious composition I knew that I + had chosen surely. I am sure the piece was indelibly engraved upon the + minds of those many dinner-givers who were for the first time in their + lives realizing that a thin soup may be made a thing to take seriously. + </p> + <p> + Nominally, I occupied a seat at the table with the Belknap-Jacksons and + Mrs. Effie, though I apprehended having to be more or less up and down in + the direction of my staff. Having now seated myself to soup, I was for the + first time made aware of the curious behaviour of the Honourable George. + Disregarding his own soup, which was of itself unusual with him, he was + staring straight ahead with a curious intensity. A half turn of my head + was enough. He sat facing the Klondike woman. As I again turned a bit I + saw that under cover of her animated converse with her table companions + she was at intervals allowing her very effective eyes to rest, as if + absently, upon him. I may say now that a curious chill seized me, bringing + with it a sudden psychic warning that all was not going to be as it should + be. Some calamity impended. The man was quite apparently fascinated, + staring with a fixed, hypnotic intensity that had already been noted by + his companions on either side. + </p> + <p> + With a word about the soup, shot quickly and directly at him, I managed to + divert his gaze, but his eyes had returned even before the spoon had gone + once to his lips. The second time there was a soup stain upon his already + rumpled shirt front. Presently it became only too horribly certain that + the man was out of himself, for when the fish course was served he + remained serenely unconscious that none of the lobster sauce accompanied + his own portion. It was a rich sauce, and the almost immediate effect of + shell-fish upon his complexion being only too well known to me, I had + directed that his fish should be served without it, though I had fully + expected him to row me for it and perhaps create a scene. The circumstance + of his blindly attacking the unsauced fish was eloquent indeed. + </p> + <p> + The Belknap-Jacksons and Mrs. Effie were now plainly alarmed, and somewhat + feverishly sought to engage his attention, with the result only that he + snapped monosyllables at them without removing his gaze from its mark. And + the woman was now too obviously pluming herself upon the effect she had + achieved; upon us all she flashed an amused consciousness of her power, + yet with a fine affectation of quite ignoring us. I was here obliged to + leave the table to oversee the serving of the wine, returning after an + interval to find the situation unchanged, save that the woman no longer + glanced at the Honourable George. Such were her tactics. Having enmeshed + him, she confidently left him to complete his own undoing. I had returned + with the serving of the small birds. Observing his own before him, the + Honourable George wished to be told why he had not been served with fish, + and only with difficulty could be convinced that he had partaken of this. + “Of course in public places one must expect to come into contact with + persons of that sort,” remarked Mrs. Effie. + </p> + <p> + “Something should be done about it,” observed Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, and + they both murmured “Creature!” though it was plain that the Honourable + George had little notion to whom they referred. Observing, however, that + the woman no longer glanced at him, he fell to his bird somewhat + whole-heartedly, as indeed did all my guests. + </p> + <p> + From every side I could hear eager approval of the repast which was now + being supplemented at most of the tables by a sound wine of the Burgundy + type which I had recommended or by a dry champagne. Meantime, the electric + pianoforte played steadily through a repertoire that had progressed from + the Largo to more vivacious pieces of the American folkdance school. As + was said in the press the following day, “Gayety and good-feeling reigned + supreme, and one and all felt that it was indeed good to be there.” + </p> + <p> + Through the sweet and the savoury the dinner progressed, the latter + proving to be a novelty that the hostesses of Red Gap thereafter slavishly + copied, and with the advent of the coffee ensued a noticeable relaxation. + People began to visit one another’s tables and there was a blithe + undercurrent of praise for my efforts to smarten the town’s public dining. + </p> + <p> + The Klondike woman, I fancy, was the first to light a cigarette, though + quickly followed by the ladies of her party. Mrs. Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. + Effie, after a period of futile glaring at her through the lorgnons, + seemed to make their resolves simultaneously, and forthwith themselves + lighted cigarettes. + </p> + <p> + “Of course it’s done in the smart English restaurants,” murmured + Belknap-Jackson as he assisted the ladies to their lights. Thereupon Mrs. + Judge Ballard, farther down the room, began to smoke what I believe was + her first cigarette, which proved to be a signal for other ladies of the + Onwards and Upwards Society to do the same, Mrs. Ballard being their + president. It occurred to me that these ladies were grimly bent on showing + the Klondike woman that they could trifle quite as gracefully as she with + the lesser vices of Bohemia; or perhaps they wished to demonstrate to the + younger dancing men in her train that the North Side set was not + desolately austere in its recreation. The Honourable George, I regret to + say, produced a smelly pipe which he would have lighted; but at a shocked + and cold glance from me he put it by and allowed the Mixer to roll him one + of the yellow paper cigarettes from a sack of tobacco which she had + produced from some secret recess of her costume. + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert had been excitedly happy throughout the meal and now paid me + a quaint compliment upon the food. “Some eats, Bill!” he called to me. “I + got to hand it to you,” though what precisely it was he wished to hand me + I never ascertained, for the Mixer at that moment claimed my attention + with a compliment of her own. “That,” said she, “is the only dinner I’ve + eaten for a long time that was composed entirely of food.” + </p> + <p> + This hour succeeding the repast I found quite entirely agreeable, more + than one person that mattered assuring me that I had assisted Red Gap to a + notable advance in the finest and correctest sense of the word, and it was + with a very definite regret that I beheld my guests departing. Returning + to our table from a group of these who had called me to make their adieus, + I saw that a most regrettable incident had occurred—nothing less + than the formal presentation of the Honourable George to the Klondike + woman. And the Mixer had appallingly done it! + </p> + <p> + “Everything is so strange here,” I heard him saying as I passed their + table, and the woman echoed, “Everything!” while her glance enveloped him + with a curious effect of appraisal. The others of her party were making + much of him, I could see, quite as if they had preposterous designs of + wresting him from the North Side set to be one of themselves. Mrs. + Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. Effie affected to ignore the meeting. + Belknap-Jackson stared into vacancy with a quite shocked expression as if + vandals had desecrated an altar in his presence. Cousin Egbert having + drawn off one of his newly purchased boots during the dinner was now + replacing it with audible groans, but I caught his joyous comment a moment + later: “Didn’t I tell you the Judge was some mixer?” + </p> + <p> + “Mixing, indeed,” snapped the ladies. + </p> + <p> + A half-hour later the historic evening had come to an end. The last guest + had departed, and all of my staff, save Mrs. Judson and her male child. + These I begged to escort to their home, since the way was rather far and + dark. The child, incautiously left in the kitchen at the mercy of the + female black, had with criminal stupidity been stuffed with food, traces + of almost every course of the dinner being apparent upon its puffy + countenance. Being now in a stupor from overfeeding, I was obliged to lug + the thing over my shoulder. I resolved to warn the mother at an early + opportunity of the perils of an unrestricted diet, although the deluded + creature seemed actually to glory in its corpulence. I discovered when + halfway to her residence that the thing was still tightly clutching the + gnawed thigh-bone of a fowl which was spotting the shoulder of my smartest + top-coat. The mother, however, was so ingenuously delighted with my + success and so full of prattle concerning my future triumphs that I + forbore to instruct her at this time. I may say that of all my staff she + had betrayed the most intelligent understanding of my ideals, and I bade + her good-night with a strong conviction that she would greatly assist me + in the future. She also promised that Mr. Barker should thereafter be + locked in a cellar at such times as she was serving me. + </p> + <p> + Returning through the town, I heard strains of music from the + establishment known as “Bert’s Place,” and was shocked on staring through + his show window to observe the Honourable George and Cousin Egbert + waltzing madly with the cow-persons, Hank and Buck, to the strains of a + mechanical piano. The Honourable George had exchanged his top-hat for his + partner’s cow-person hat, which came down over his ears in a most + regrettable manner. + </p> + <p> + I thought it best not to intrude upon their coarse amusement and went on + to the grill to see that all was safe for the night. Returning from my + inspection some half-hour later, I came upon the two, Cousin Egbert in the + lead, the Honourable George behind him. They greeted me somewhat + boisterously, but I saw that they were now content to return home and to + bed. As they walked somewhat mincingly, I noticed that they were in their + hose, carrying their varnished boots in either hand. + </p> + <p> + Of the Honourable George, who still wore the cow-person’s hat, I began now + to have the gravest doubts. There had been an evil light in the eyes of + the Klondike woman and her Bohemian cohorts as they surveyed him. As he + preceded me I heard him murmur ecstatically: “Sush is life.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER FIFTEEN + </h2> + <p> + Launched now upon a business venture that would require my unremitting + attention if it were to prosper, it may be imagined that I had little + leisure for the social vagaries of the Honourable George, shocking as + these might be to one’s finer tastes. And yet on the following morning I + found time to tell him what. To put it quite bluntly, I gave him beans for + his loose behaviour the previous evening, in publicly ogling and meeting + as an equal one whom one didn’t know. + </p> + <p> + To my amazement, instead of being heartily ashamed of his licentiousness, + I found him recalcitrant. Stubborn as a mule he was and with a low animal + cunning that I had never given him credit for. “Demosthenes was the son of + a cutler,” said he, “and Napoleon worked on a canal-boat, what? Didn’t you + say so yourself, you juggins, what? Fancy there being upper and lower + classes among natives! What rot! And I like North America. I don’t mind + telling you straight I’m going to take it up.” + </p> + <p> + Horrified by these reckless words, I could only say “Noblesse oblige,” + meaning to convey that whatever the North Americans did, the next Earl of + Brinstead must not meet persons one doesn’t know, whereat he rejoined + tartly that I was “to stow that piffle!” + </p> + <p> + Being now quite alarmed, I took the further time to call upon + Belknap-Jackson, believing that he, if any one, could recall the + Honourable George to his better nature. He, too, was shocked, as I had + been, and at first would have put the blame entirely upon the shoulders of + Cousin Egbert, but at this I was obliged to admit that the Honourable + George had too often shown a regrettable fondness for the society of + persons that did not matter, especially females, and I cited the case of + the typing-girl and the Brixton millinery person, with either of whom he + would have allied himself in marriage had not his lordship intervened. + Belknap-Jackson was quite properly horrified at these revelations. + </p> + <p> + “Has he no sense of ‘Noblesse oblige’?” he demanded, at which I quoted the + result of my own use of this phrase to the unfortunate man. Quite too + plain it was that “Noblesse oblige!” would never stop him from yielding to + his baser impulses. + </p> + <p> + “We must be tactful, then,” remarked Belknap-Jackson. “Without appearing + to oppose him we must yet show him who is really who in Red Gap. We shall + let him see that we have standards which must be as rigidly adhered to as + those of an older civilization. I fancy it can be done.” + </p> + <p> + Privately I fancied not, yet I forbore to say this or to prolong the + painful interview, particularly as I was due at the United States Grill. + </p> + <p> + The <i>Recorder</i> of that morning had done me handsomely, declaring my + opening to have been a social event long to be remembered, and describing + the costumes of a dozen or more of the smartly gowned matrons, quite as if + it had been an assembly ball. My task now was to see that the Grill was + kept to the high level of its opening, both as a social ganglion, if one + may use the term, and as a place to which the public would ever turn for + food that mattered. For my first luncheon the raccoons had prepared, under + my direction, a steak-and-kidney pie, in addition to which I offered a + thick soup and a pudding of high nutritive value. + </p> + <p> + To my pleased astonishment the crowd at midday was quite all that my staff + could serve, several of the Hobbs brood being at school, and the luncheon + was received with every sign of approval by the business persons who sat + to it. Not only were there drapers, chemists, and shop-assistants, but + solicitors and barristers, bankers and estate agents, and all quite eager + with their praise of my fare. To each of these I explained that I should + give them but few things, but that these would be food in the finest sense + of the word, adding that the fault of the American school lay in + attempting a too-great profusion of dishes, none of which in consequence + could be raised to its highest power. + </p> + <p> + So sound was my theory and so nicely did my simple-dished luncheon + demonstrate it that I was engaged on the spot to provide the bi-monthly + banquet of the Chamber of Commerce, the president of which rather + seriously proposed that it now be made a monthly affair, since they would + no longer be at the mercy of a hotel caterer whose ambition ran inversely + to his skill. Indeed, after the pudding, I was this day asked to become a + member of the body, and I now felt that I was indubitably one of them—America + and I had taken each other as seriously as could be desired. + </p> + <p> + More than once during the afternoon I wondered rather painfully what the + Honourable George might be doing. I knew that he had been promised to a + meeting of the Onwards and Upwards Club through the influence of Mrs. + Effie, where it had been hoped that he would give a talk on Country Life + in England. At least she had hinted to them that he might do this, though + I had known from the beginning that he would do nothing of the sort, and + had merely hoped that he would appear for a dish of tea and stay quiet, + which was as much as the North Side set could expect of him. Induced to + speak, I was quite certain he would tell them straight that Country Life + in England was silly rot, and that was all to it. Now, not having seen him + during the day, I could but hope that he had attended the gathering in + suitable afternoon attire, and that he would have divined that the + cattle-person’s hat did not coordinate with this. + </p> + <p> + At four-thirty, while I was still concerned over the possible + misadventures of the Honourable George, my first patrons for tea began to + arrive, for I had let it be known that I should specialize in this. + Toasted crumpets there were, and muffins, and a tea cake rich with plums, + and tea, I need not say, which was all that tea could be. Several tables + were filled with prominent ladies of the North Side set, who were loud in + their exclamations of delight, especially at the finished smartness of my + service, for it was perhaps now that the profoundly serious thought I had + given to my silver, linen, and glassware showed to best advantage. I + suspect that this was the first time many of my guests had encountered a + tea cozy, since from that day they began to be prevalent in Red Gap homes. + Also my wagon containing the crumpets, muffins, tea cake, jam and + bread-and-butter, which I now used for the first time created a veritable + sensation. + </p> + <p> + There was an agreeable hum of chatter from these early comers when I found + myself welcoming Mrs. Judge Ballard and half a dozen members of the + Onwards and Upwards Club, all of them wearing what I made out to be a + baffled look. From these I presently managed to gather that their guest of + honour for the afternoon had simply not appeared, and that the meeting, + after awaiting him for two hours, had dissolved in some resentment, the + time having been spent chiefly in an unflattering dissection of the + Klondike woman’s behaviour the evening before. + </p> + <p> + “He is a naughty man to disappoint us so cruelly!” declared Mrs. Judge + Ballard of the Honourable George, but the coquetry of it was feigned to + cover a very real irritation. I made haste with possible excuses. I said + that he might be ill, or that important letters in that day’s post might + have detained him. I knew he had been astonishingly well that morning, + also that he loathed letters and almost practically never received any; + but something had to be said. + </p> + <p> + “A naughty, naughty fellow!” repeated Mrs. Ballard, and the members of her + party echoed it. They had looked forward rather pathetically, I saw, to + hearing about Country Life in England from one who had lived it. + </p> + <p> + I was now drawn to greet the Belknap-Jacksons, who entered, and to the + pleasure of winning their hearty approval for the perfection of my + arrangements. As the wife presently joined Mrs. Ballard’s group, the + husband called me to his table and disclosed that almost the worst might + be feared of the Honourable George. He was at that moment, it appeared, + with a rabble of cow-persons and members of the lower class gathered at a + stockade at the edge of town, where various native horses fresh from the + wilderness were being taught to be ridden. + </p> + <p> + “The wretched Floud is with him,” continued my informant, “also the Tuttle + chap, who continues to be received by our best people in spite of my + remonstrances, and he yells quite like a demon when one of the riders is + thrown. I passed as quickly as I could. The spectacle was—of course + I make allowances for Vane-Basingwell’s ignorance of our standards—it + was nothing short of disgusting; a man of his position consorting with the + herd!” + </p> + <p> + “He told me no longer ago than this morning,” I said, “that he was going + to take up America.” + </p> + <p> + “He <i>has</i>!” said Belknap-Jackson with bitter emphasis. “You should + see what he has on—a cowboy hat and chapps! And the very lowest of + them are calling him ‘Judge’!” + </p> + <p> + “He flunked a meeting of the Onwards and Upwards Society,” I added. + </p> + <p> + “I know! I know! And who could have expected it in one of his lineage? At + this very moment he should be conducting himself as one of his class. Can + you wonder at my impatience with the West? Here at an hour when our social + life should be in evidence, when all trade should be forgotten, I am the + only man in the town who shows himself in a tea-room; and Vane-Basingwell + over there debasing himself with our commonest sort!” + </p> + <p> + All at once I saw that I myself must bear the brunt of this scandal. I had + brought hither the Honourable George, promising a personage who would for + once and all unify the North Side set and perhaps disintegrate its rival. + I had been felicitated upon my master-stroke. And now it seemed I had come + a cropper. But I resolved not to give up, and said as much now to + Belknap-Jackson. + </p> + <p> + “I may be blamed for bringing him among you, but trust me if things are + really as bad as they seem, I’ll get him off again. I’ll not let myself be + bowled by such a silly lob as that. Trust me to devote profound thought to + this problem.” + </p> + <p> + “We all have every confidence in you,” he assured me, “but don’t be too + severe all at once with the chap. He might recover a sane balance even + yet.” + </p> + <p> + “I shall use discretion,” I assured him, “but if it proves that I have + fluffed my catch, rely upon me to use extreme measures.” + </p> + <p> + “Red Gap needs your best effort,” he replied in a voice that brimmed with + feeling. + </p> + <p> + At five-thirty, my rush being over, I repaired to the neighbourhood where + the Honourable George had been reported. The stockade now contained only a + half-score of the untaught horses, but across the road from it was a + public house, or saloon, from which came unmistakable sounds of carousing. + It was an unsavoury place, frequented only by cattle and horse persons, + the proprietor being an abandoned character named Spilmer, who had once + done a patron to death in a drunken quarrel. Only slight legal + difficulties had been made for him, however, it having been pleaded that + he acted in self-defence, and the creature had at once resumed his trade + as publican. There was even public sympathy for him at the time on the + ground that he possessed a blind mother, though I have never been able to + see that this should have been a factor in adjudging him. + </p> + <p> + I paused now before the low place, imagining I could detect the tones of + the Honourable George high above the chorus that came out to me. Deciding + that in any event it would not become me to enter a resort of this stamp, + I walked slowly back toward the more reputable part of town, and was + presently rewarded by seeing the crowd emerge. It was led, I saw, by the + Honourable George. The cattle-hat was still down upon his ears, and to my + horror he had come upon the public thoroughfare with his legs encased in + the chapps—a species of leathern pantalettes covered with goat’s + wool—a garment which I need not say no gentleman should be seen + abroad in. As worn by the cow-persons in their daily toil they are only + just possible, being as far from true vogue as anything well could be. + </p> + <p> + Accompanying him were Cousin Egbert, the Indian Tuttle, the cow-persons, + Hank and Buck, and three or four others of the same rough stamp. + Unobtrusively I followed them to our main thoroughfare, deeply humiliated + by the atrocious spectacle the Honourable George was making of himself, + only to observe them turn into another public house entitled “The Family + Liquor Store,” where it seemed only too certain, since the bearing of all + was highly animated, that they would again carouse. + </p> + <p> + At once seeing my duty, I boldly entered, finding them aligned against the + American bar and clamouring for drink. My welcome was heartfelt, even + enthusiastic, almost every one of them beginning to regale me with + incidents of the afternoon’s horse-breaking. The Honourable George, it + seemed, had himself briefly mounted one of the animals, having fallen into + the belief that the cow-persons did not try earnestly enough to stay on + their mounts. I gathered that one experience had dissuaded him from this + opinion. + </p> + <p> + “That there little paint horse,” observed Cousin Egbert genially, “stepped + out from under the Judge the prettiest you ever saw.” + </p> + <p> + “He sure did,” remarked the Honourable George, with a palpable effort to + speak the American brogue. “A most flighty beast he was—nerves all + gone—I dare say a hopeless neurasthenic.” + </p> + <p> + And then when I would have rebuked him for so shamefully disappointing the + ladies of the Onwards and Upwards Society, he began to tell me of the + public house he had just left. + </p> + <p> + “I say, you know that Spilmer chap, he’s a genuine murderer—he let + me hold the weapon with which he did it—and he has blind relatives + dependent upon him, or something of that sort, otherwise I fancy they’d + have sent him to the gallows. And, by Gad! he’s a witty scoundrel, what! + Looking at his sign—leaving the settlement it reads, ‘Last Chance,’ + but entering the settlement it reads, ‘First Chance.’ Last chance and + first chance for a peg, do you see what I mean? I tried it out; walked + both ways under the sign and looked up; it worked perfectly. Enter the + settlement, ‘First Chance’; leave the settlement, ‘Last Chance.’ Do you + see what I mean? Suggestive, what! Witty! You’d never have expected that + murderer-Johnny to be so subtle. Our own murderers aren’t that way. I say, + it’s a tremendous wheeze. I wonder the press-chaps don’t take it up. It’s + better than the blind factory, though the chap’s mother or something is + blind. What ho! But that’s silly! To be sure one has nothing to do with + the other. I say, have another, you chaps! I’ve not felt so fit in ages. + I’m going to take up America!” + </p> + <p> + Plainly it was no occasion to use serious words to the man. He slapped his + companions smartly on their backs and was slapped in turn by all of them. + One or two of them called him an old horse! Not only was I doing no good + for the North Side set, but I had felt obliged to consume two glasses of + spirits that I did not wish. So I discreetly withdrew. As I went, the + Honourable George was again telling them that he was “going in” for North + America, and Cousin Egbert was calling “Three rousing cheers!” + </p> + <p> + Thus luridly began, I may say, a scandal that was to be far-reaching in + its dreadful effects. Far from feeling a proper shame on the following + day, the Honourable George was as pleased as Punch with himself, declaring + his intention of again consorting with the cattle and horse persons and + very definitely declining an invitation to play at golf with + Belknap-Jackson. + </p> + <p> + “Golf!” he spluttered. “You do it, and then you’ve directly to do it all + over again. I mean to say, one gets nowhere. A silly game—what!” + </p> + <p> + Wishing to be in no manner held responsible for his vicious pursuits, I + that day removed my diggings from the Floud home to chambers in the + Pettengill block above the Grill, where I did myself quite nicely with + decent mantel ornaments, some vivacious prints of old-world cathedrals, + and a few good books, having for body-servant one of the Hobbs lads who + seemed rather teachable. I must admit, however, that I was frequently + obliged to address him more sharply than one should ever address one’s + servant, my theory having always been that a serving person should be + treated quite as if he were a gentleman temporarily performing menial + duties, but there was that strain of lowness in all the Hobbses which + often forbade this, a blending of servility with more or less skilfully + dissembled impertinence, which I dare say is the distinguishing mark of + our lower-class serving people. + </p> + <p> + Removed now from the immediate and more intimate effects of the Honourable + George’s digressions, I was privileged for days at a time to devote my + attention exclusively to my enterprise. It had thriven from the beginning, + and after a month I had so perfected the minor details of management that + everything was right as rain. In my catering I continued to steer a middle + course between the British school of plain roast and boiled and a too + often piffling French complexity, seeking to retain the desirable features + of each. My luncheons for the tradesmen rather held to a cut from the + joint with vegetables and a suitable sweet, while in my dinners I relaxed + a bit into somewhat imaginative salads and entrées. For the tea-hour I + constantly strove to provide some appetizing novelty, often, I confess, + sacrificing nutrition to mere sightliness in view of my almost exclusive + feminine patronage, yet never carrying this to an undignified extreme. + </p> + <p> + As a result of my sound judgment, dinner-giving in Red Gap began that + winter to be done almost entirely in my place. There might be small + informal affairs at home, but for dinners of any pretension the hostesses + of the North Side set came to me, relying almost quite entirely upon my + taste in the selection of the menu. Although at first I was required to + employ unlimited tact in dissuading them from strange and laboured + concoctions, whose photographs they fetched me from their women’s + magazines, I at length converted them from this unwholesome striving for + novelty and laid the foundations for that sound scheme of gastronomy which + to-day distinguishes this fastest-growing town in the state, if not in the + West of America. + </p> + <p> + It was during these early months, I ought perhaps to say, that I rather + distinguished myself in the matter of a relish which I compounded one day + when there was a cold round of beef for luncheon. Little dreaming of the + magnitude of the moment, I brought together English mustard and the + American tomato catsup, in proportions which for reasons that will be made + obvious I do not here disclose, together with three other and lesser + condiments whose identity also must remain a secret. Serving this with my + cold joint, I was rather amazed at the sensation it created. My patrons + clamoured for it repeatedly and a barrister wished me to prepare a flask + of it for use in his home. The following day it was again demanded and + other requests were made for private supplies, while by the end of the + week my relish had become rather famous. Followed a suggestion from Mrs. + Judson as she overlooked my preparation of it one day from her own task of + polishing the glassware. + </p> + <p> + “Put it on the market,” said she, and at once I felt the inspiration of + her idea. To her I entrusted the formula. I procured a quantity of + suitable flasks, while in her own home she compounded the stuff and filled + them. Having no mind to claim credit not my own, I may now say that this + rather remarkable woman also evolved the idea of the label, including the + name, which was pasted upon the bottles when our product was launched. + </p> + <p> + “Ruggles’ International Relish” she had named it after a moment’s thought. + Below was a print of my face taken from an excellent photographic + portrait, followed by a brief summary of the article’s unsurpassed + excellence, together with a list of the viands for which it was commended. + As the International Relish is now a matter of history, the demand for it + having spread as far east as Chicago and those places, I may add that it + was this capable woman again who devised the large placard for hoardings + in which a middle-aged but glowing bon-vivant in evening dress rebukes the + blackamoor who has served his dinner for not having at once placed + Ruggles’ International Relish upon the table. The genial annoyance of the + diner and the apologetic concern of the black are excellently depicted by + the artist, for the original drawing of which I paid a stiffish price to + the leading artist fellow of Spokane. This now adorns the wall of my + sitting-room. + </p> + <p> + It must not be supposed that I had been free during these months from + annoyance and chagrin at the manner in which the Honourable George was + conducting himself. In the beginning it was hoped both by Belknap-Jackson + and myself that he might do no worse than merely consort with the rougher + element of the town. I mean to say, we suspected that the apparent charm + of the raffish cattle-persons might suffice to keep him from any notorious + alliance with the dreaded Bohemian set. So long as he abstained from this + he might still be received at our best homes, despite his regrettable + fondness for low company. Even when he brought the murderer Spilmer to + dine with him at my place, the thing was condoned as a freakish + grotesquerie in one who, of unassailable social position, might well + afford to stoop momentarily. + </p> + <p> + I must say that the murderer—a heavy-jowled brute of husky voice, + and quite lacking a forehead—conducted himself on this occasion with + an entirely decent restraint of manner, quite in contrast to the + Honourable George, who betrayed an expansively naïve pride in his guest, + seeming to wish the world to know of the event. Between them they consumed + a fair bottle of the relish. Indeed, the Honourable George was + inordinately fond of this, as a result of which he would often come out + quite spotty again. Cousin Egbert was another who became so addicted to it + that his fondness might well have been called a vice. Both he and the + Honourable George would drench quite every course with the sauce, and + Cousin Egbert, with that explicit directness which distinguished his + character, would frankly sop his bread-crusts in it, or even sip it with a + coffee-spoon. + </p> + <p> + As I have intimated, in spite of the Honourable George’s affiliations with + the slum-characters of what I may call Red Gap’s East End, he had not yet + publicly identified himself with the Klondike woman and her Bohemian set, + in consequence of which—let him dine and wine a Spilmer as he would—there + was yet hope that he would not alienate himself from the North Side set. + </p> + <p> + At intervals during the early months of his sojourn among us he accepted + dinner invitations at the Grill from our social leaders; in fact, after + the launching of the International Relish, I know of none that he + declined, but it was evident to me that he moved but half-heartedly in + this higher circle. On one occasion, too, he appeared in the trousers of a + lounge-suit of tweeds instead of his dress trousers, and with tan boots. + The trousers, to be sure, were of a sombre hue, but the brown boots were + quite too dreadfully unmistakable. After this I may say that I looked for + anything, and my worst fears were soon confirmed. + </p> + <p> + It began as the vaguest sort of gossip. The Honourable George, it was + said, had been a guest at one of the Klondike woman’s evening affairs. The + rumour crystallized. He had been asked to meet the Bohemian set at a Dutch + supper and had gone. He had lingered until a late hour, dancing the + American folkdances (for which he had shown a surprising adaptability) and + conducting himself generally as the next Earl of Brinstead should not have + done. He had repeated his visit, repairing to the woman’s house both + afternoon and evening. He had become a constant visitor. He had spoken + regrettably of the dulness of a meeting of the Onwards and Upwards Society + which he had attended. He was in the woman’s toils. + </p> + <p> + With gossip of this sort there was naturally much indignation, and yet the + leaders of the North Side set were so delicately placed that there was + every reason for concealing it. They redoubled their attentions to the + unfortunate man, seeking to leave him not an unoccupied evening or + afternoon. Such was the gravity of the crisis. Belknap-Jackson alone + remained finely judicial. + </p> + <p> + “The situation is of the gravest character,” he confided to me, “but we + must be wary. The day isn’t lost so long as he doesn’t appear publicly in + the creature’s train. For the present we have only unverified rumour. As a + man about town Vane-Basingwell may feel free to consort with vicious + companions and still maintain his proper standing. Deplore it as all + right-thinking people must, under present social conditions he is + undoubtedly free to lead what is called a double life. We can only wait.” + </p> + <p> + Such was the state of the public mind, be it understood, up to the time of + the notorious and scandalous defection of this obsessed creature, an + occasion which I cannot recall without shuddering, and which inspired me + to a course that was later to have the most inexplicable and far-reaching + consequences. + </p> + <p> + Theatrical plays had been numerous with us during the season, with the + natural result of many after-theatre suppers being given by those who + attended, among them the North Side leaders, and frequently the Klondike + woman with her following. On several of these occasions, moreover, the + latter brought as supper guests certain representatives of the theatrical + profession, both male and female, she apparently having a wide + acquaintance with such persons. That this sort of thing increased her + unpopularity with the North Side set will be understood when I add that + now and then her guests would be of undoubted respectability in their + private lives, as theatrical persons often are, and such as our smartest + hostesses would have been only too glad to entertain. + </p> + <p> + To counteract this effect Belknap-Jackson now broached to me a plan of + undoubted merit, which was nothing less than to hold an afternoon + reception at his home in honour of the world’s greatest pianoforte artist, + who was presently to give a recital in Red Gap. + </p> + <p> + “I’ve not met the chap myself,” he began, “but I knew his secretary and + travelling companion quite well in a happier day in Boston. The recital + here will be Saturday evening, which means that they will remain here on + Sunday until the evening train East. I shall suggest to my friend that his + employer, to while away the tedium of the Sunday, might care to look in + upon me in the afternoon and meet a few of our best people. Nothing + boring, of course. I’ve no doubt he will arrange it. I’ve written him to + Portland, where they now are.” + </p> + <p> + “Rather a card that will be,” I instantly cried. “Rather better class than + entertaining strolling players.” Indeed the merit of the proposal rather + overwhelmed me. It would be dignified and yet spectacular. It would show + the Klondike woman that we chose to have contact only with artists of + acknowledged preëminence and that such were quite willing to accept our + courtesies. I had hopes, too, that the Honourable George might be aroused + to advantages which he seemed bent upon casting to the American winds. + </p> + <p> + A week later Belknap-Jackson joyously informed me that the great artist + had consented to accept his hospitality. There would be light + refreshments, with which I was charged. I suggested tea in the Russian + manner, which he applauded. + </p> + <p> + “And everything dainty in the way of food,” he warned me. “Nothing common, + nothing heavy. Some of those tiny lettuce sandwiches, a bit of caviare, + macaroons—nothing gross—a decanter of dry sherry, perhaps, a + few of the lightest wafers; things that cultivated persons may trifle with—things + not repugnant to the artist soul.” + </p> + <p> + I promised my profoundest consideration to these matters. + </p> + <p> + “And it occurs to me,” he thoughtfully added, “that this may be a time for + Vane-Basingwell to silence the slurs upon himself that are becoming so + common. I shall beg him to meet our guest at his hotel and escort him to + my place. A note to my friend, ‘the bearer, the Honourable George Augustus + Vane-Basingwell, brother of his lordship the Earl of Brinstead, will take + great pleasure in escorting to my home——’ You get the idea? + Not bad!” + </p> + <p> + Again I applauded, resolving that for once the Honourable George would be + suitably attired even if I had to bully him. And so was launched what + promised to be Red Gap’s most notable social event of the season. The + Honourable George, being consulted, promised after a rather sulky + hesitation to act as the great artist’s escort, though he persisted in + referring to him as “that piano Johnny,” and betrayed a suspicion that + Belknap-Jackson was merely bent upon getting him to perform without price. + </p> + <p> + “But no,” cried Belknap-Jackson, “I should never think of anything so + indelicate as asking him to play. My own piano will be tightly closed and + I dare say removed to another room.” + </p> + <p> + At this the Honourable George professed to wonder why the chap was desired + if he wasn’t to perform. “All hair and bad English—silly brutes when + they don’t play,” he declared. In the end, however, as I have said, he + consented to act as he was wished to. Cousin Egbert, who was present at + this interview, took somewhat the same view as the Honourable George, even + asserting that he should not attend the recital. + </p> + <p> + “He don’t sing, he don’t dance, he don’t recite; just plays the piano. + That ain’t any kind of a show for folks to set up a whole evening for,” he + protested bitterly, and he went on to mention various theatrical pieces + which he had considered worthy, among them I recall being one entitled + “The Two Johns,” which he regretted not having witnessed for several + years, and another called “Ben Hur,” which was better than all the piano + players alive, he declared. But with the Honourable George enlisted, both + Belknap-Jackson and I considered the opinions of Cousin Egbert to be quite + wholly negligible. + </p> + <p> + Saturday’s <i>Recorder</i>, in its advance notice of the recital, + announced that the Belknap-Jacksons of Boston and Red Gap would entertain + the artist on the following afternoon at their palatial home in the + Pettengill addition, where a select few of the North Side set had been + invited to meet him. Belknap-Jackson himself was as a man uplifted. He + constantly revised and re-revised his invitation list; he sought me out + each day to suggest subtle changes in the very artistic menu I had + prepared for the affair. His last touch was to supplement the decanter of + sherry with a bottle of vodka. About the caviare he worried quite + fearfully until it proved upon arrival to be fresh and of prime quality. + My man, the Hobbs boy, had under my instructions pressed and smarted the + Honourable George’s suit for afternoon wear. The carriage was engaged. + Saturday night it was tremendously certain that no hitch could occur to + mar the affair. We had left no detail to chance. + </p> + <p> + The recital itself was quite all that could have been expected, but + underneath the enthusiastic applause there ran even a more intense fervour + among those fortunate ones who were to meet the artist on the morrow. + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson knew himself to be a hero. He was elaborately cool. He + smiled tolerantly at intervals and undoubtedly applauded with the least + hint of languid proprietorship in his manner. He was heard to speak of the + artist by his first name. The Klondike woman and many of her Bohemian set + were prominently among those present and sustained glances of pitying + triumph from those members of the North Side set so soon to be + distinguished above her. + </p> + <p> + The morrow dawned auspiciously, very cloudy with smartish drives of wind + and rain. Confined to the dingy squalor of his hotel, how gladly would the + artist, it was felt, seek the refined cheer of one of our best homes where + he would be enlivened by an hour or so of contact with our most cultivated + people. Belknap-Jackson telephoned me with increasing frequency as the + hour drew near, nervously seeming to dread that I would have overlooked + some detail of his refined refreshments, or that I would not have them at + his house on time. He telephoned often to the Honourable George to be + assured that the carriage with its escort would be prompt. He telephoned + repeatedly to the driver chap, to impress upon him the importance of his + mission. + </p> + <p> + His guests began to arrive even before I had decked his sideboard with + what was, I have no hesitation in declaring, the most superbly dainty + buffet collation that Red Gap had ever beheld. The atmosphere at once + became tense with expectation. + </p> + <p> + At three o’clock the host announced from the telephone: “Vane-Basingwell + has started from the Floud house.” The guests thrilled and hushed the + careless chatter of new arrivals. Belknap-Jackson remained heroically at + the telephone, having demanded to be put through to the hotel. He was + flushed with excitement. A score of minutes later he announced with an + effort to control his voice: “They have left the hotel—they are on + the way.” + </p> + <p> + The guests stiffened in their seats. Some of them nervously and for no + apparent reason exchanged chairs with others. Some late arrivals bustled + in and were immediately awed to the same electric silence of waiting. + Belknap-Jackson placed the sherry decanter where the vodka bottle had been + and the vodka bottle where the sherry decanter had been. “The effect is + better,” he remarked, and went to stand where he could view the driveway. + The moments passed. + </p> + <p> + At such crises, which I need not say have been plentiful in my life, I + have always known that I possessed an immense reserve of coolness. Seldom + have I ever been so much as slightly flustered. Now I was calmness itself, + and the knowledge brought me no little satisfaction as I noted the rather + painful distraction of our host. The moments passed—long, heavy, + silent moments. Our host ascended trippingly to an upper floor whence he + could see farther down the drive. The guests held themselves in smiling + readiness. Our host descended and again took up his post at a lower + window. + </p> + <p> + The moments passed—stilled, leaden moments. The silence had become + intolerable. Our host jiggled on his feet. Some of the quicker-minded + guests made a pretence of little conversational flurries: “That second + movement—oh, exquisitely rendered!... No one has ever read Chopin so + divinely.... How his family must idolize him!... They say.... That + exquisite concerto!... Hasn’t he the most stunning hair.... Those staccato + passages left me actually limp—I’m starting Myrtle in Tuesday to + take of Professor Gluckstein. She wants to take stenography, but I tell + her.... Did you think the preludes were just the tiniest bit idealized.... + I always say if one has one’s music, and one’s books, of course—He + must be very, <i>very</i> fond of music!” + </p> + <p> + Such were the hushed, tentative fragments I caught. + </p> + <p> + The moments passed. Belknap-Jackson went to the telephone. “What? But + they’re not here! Very strange! They should have been here half an hour + ago. Send some one—yes, at once.” In the ensuing silence he repaired + to the buffet and drank a glass of vodka. Quite distraught he was. + </p> + <p> + The moments passed. Again several guests exchanged seats with other + guests. It seemed to be a device for relieving the strain. Once more there + were scattering efforts at normal talk. “Myrtle is a strange girl—a + creature of moods, I call her. She wanted to act in the moving pictures + until papa bought the car. And she knows every one of the new tango steps, + but I tell her a few lessons in cooking wouldn’t—Beryl Mae is just + the same puzzling child; one thing one day, and another thing the next; a + mere bundle of nerves, and so sensitive if you say the least little thing + to her ... If we could only get Ling Wong back—this Jap boy is + always threatening to leave if the men don’t get up to breakfast on time, + or if Gertie makes fudge in his kitchen of an afternoon ... Our boy sends + all his wages to his uncle in China, but I simply can’t get him to say, + ‘Dinner is served.’ He just slides in and says, ‘All right, you come!’ + It’s very annoying, but I always tell the family, ‘Remember what a time we + had with the Swede——‘” + </p> + <p> + I mean to say, things were becoming rapidly impossible. The moments + passed. Belknap-Jackson again telephoned: “You did send a man after them? + Send some one after him, then. Yes, at once!” He poured himself another + peg of the vodka. Silence fell again. The waiting was terrific. We had + endured an hour of it, and but little more was possible to any sensitive + human organism. All at once, as if the very last possible moment of + silence had passed, the conversation broke loudly and generally: “And did + you notice that slimpsy thing she wore last night? Indecent, if you ask + me, with not a petticoat under it, I’ll be bound!... Always wears shoes + twice too small for her ... What men can see in her ... How they can + endure that perpetual smirk!...” They were at last discussing the Klondike + woman, and whatever had befallen our guest of honour I knew that those + present would never regain their first awe of the occasion. It was now + unrestrained gabble. + </p> + <p> + The second hour passed quickly enough, the latter half of it being + enlivened by the buffet collation which elicited many compliments upon my + ingenuity and good taste. Quite almost every guest partook of a glass of + the vodka. They chattered of everything but music, I dare say it being + thought graceful to ignore the afternoon’s disaster. + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson had sunk into a mood of sullen desperation. He drained the + vodka bottle. Perhaps the liquor brought him something of the chill + Russian fatalism. He was dignified but sodden, with a depression that + seemed to blow from the bleak Siberian steppes. His wife was already + receiving the adieus of their guests. She was smouldering ominously, + uncertain where the blame lay, but certain there was blame. Criminal + blame! I could read as much in her narrowed eyes as she tried for aplomb + with her guests. + </p> + <p> + My own leave I took unobtrusively. I knew our strangely missing guest was + to depart by the six-two train, and I strolled toward the station. A block + away I halted, waiting. It had been a time of waiting. The moments passed. + I heard the whistle of the approaching train. At the same moment I was + startled by the approach of a team that I took to be running away. + </p> + <p> + I saw it was the carriage of the Pierce chap and that he was driving with + the most abandoned recklessness. His passengers were the Honourable + George, Cousin Egbert, and our missing guest. The great artist as they + passed me seemed to feel a vast delight in his wild ride. He was cheering + on the driver. He waved his arms and himself shouted to the maddened + horses. The carriage drew up to the station with the train, and the three + descended. + </p> + <p> + The artist hurriedly shook hands in the warmest manner with his + companions, including the Pierce chap, who had driven them. He beckoned to + his secretary, who was waiting with his bags. He mounted the steps of the + coach, and as the train pulled out he waved frantically to the three. He + kissed his hand to them, looking far out as the train gathered momentum. + Again and again he kissed his hand to the hat-waving trio. + </p> + <p> + It was too much. The strain of the afternoon had told even upon my own + iron nerves. I felt unequal at that moment to the simplest inquiry, and + plainly the situation was not one to attack in haste. I mean to say, it + was too pregnant with meaning. I withdrew rapidly from the scene, feeling + the need for rest and silence. + </p> + <p> + As I walked I meditated profoundly. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER SIXTEEN + </h2> + <p> + From the innocent lips of Cousin Egbert the following morning there fell a + tale of such cold-blooded depravity that I found myself with difficulty + giving it credit. At ten o’clock, while I still mused pensively over the + events of the previous day, he entered the Grill in search of breakfast, + as had lately become his habit. I greeted him with perceptible restraint, + not knowing what guilt might be his, but his manner to me was so + unconsciously genial that I at once acquitted him of any complicity in + whatever base doings had been forward. + </p> + <p> + He took his accustomed seat with a pleasant word to me. I waited. + </p> + <p> + “Feeling a mite off this morning,” he began, “account of a lot of truck I + eat yesterday. I guess I’ll just take something kind of dainty. Tell + Clarice to cook me up a nice little steak with plenty of fat on it, and + some fried potatoes, and a cup of coffee and a few waffles to come. The + Judge he wouldn’t get up yet. He looked kind of mottled and anguished, but + I guess he’ll pull around all right. I had the chink take him up about a + gallon of strong tea. Say, listen here, the Judge ain’t so awful much of a + stayer, is he?” + </p> + <p> + Burning with curiosity I was to learn what he could tell me of the day + before, yet I controlled myself to the calmest of leisurely questioning in + order not to alarm him. It was too plain that he had no realization of + what had occurred. It was always the way with him, I had noticed. Events + the most momentous might culminate furiously about his head, but he never + knew that anything had happened. + </p> + <p> + “The Honourable George,” I began, “was with you yesterday? Perhaps he ate + something he shouldn’t.” + </p> + <p> + “He did, he did; he done it repeatedly. He et pretty near as much of that + sauerkraut and frankfurters as the piano guy himself did, and that’s some + tribute, believe me, Bill! Some tribute!” + </p> + <p> + “The piano guy?” I murmured quite casually. + </p> + <p> + “And say, listen here, that guy is all right if anybody should ask you. + You talk about your mixers!” + </p> + <p> + This was a bit puzzling, for of course I had never “talked about my + mixers.” I shouldn’t a bit know how to go on. I ventured another query. + </p> + <p> + “Where was it this mixing and that sort of thing took place?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, up at Mis’ Kenner’s, where we was having a little party: + frankfurters and sauerkraut and beer. My stars! but that steak looks good. + I’m feeling better already.” His food was before him, and he attacked it + with no end of spirit. + </p> + <p> + “Tell me quite all about it,” I amiably suggested, and after a moment’s + hurried devotion to the steak, he slowed up a bit to talk. + </p> + <p> + “Well, listen here, now. The Judge says to me when Eddie Pierce comes, + ‘Sour-dough,’ he says, ‘look in at Mis’ Kenner’s this afternoon if you got + nothing else on; I fancy it will repay you.’ Just like that. ‘Well,’ I + says, ‘all right, Judge, I fancy I will. I fancy I ain’t got anything else + on,’ I says. ‘And I’m always glad to go there,’ I says, because no matter + what they’re always saying about this here Bohemian stuff, Kate Kenner is + one good scout, take it from me. So in a little while I slicked up some + and went on around to her house. Then hitched outside I seen Eddie + Pierce’s hack, and I says, ‘My lands! that’s a funny thing,’ I says. ‘I + thought the Judge was going to haul this here piano guy out to the Jackson + place where he could while away the tejum, like Jackson said, and now it + looks as if they was here. Or mebbe it’s just Eddie himself that has + fancied to look in, not having anything else on.’ + </p> + <p> + “Well, so anyway I go up on the stoop and knock, and when I get in the + parlour there the piano guy is and the Judge and Eddie Pierce, too, Eddie + helping the Jap around with frankfurters and sauerkraut and beer and one + thing and another. + </p> + <p> + “Besides them was about a dozen of Mis’ Kenner’s own particular friends, + all of ‘em good scouts, let me tell you, and everybody laughing and + gassing back and forth and cutting up and having a good time all around. + Well, so as soon as they seen me, everybody says, ‘Oh, here comes + Sour-dough—good old Sour-dough!’ and all like that, and they + introduced me to the piano guy, who gets up to shake hands with me and + spills his beer off the chair arm on to the wife of Eddie Fosdick in the + Farmers’ and Merchants’ National, and so I sat down and et with ‘em and + had a few steins of beer, and everybody had a good time all around.” + </p> + <p> + The wonderful man appeared to believe that he had told me quite all of + interest concerning this monstrous festivity. He surveyed the mutilated + remnant of his steak and said: “I guess Clarice might as well fry me a few + eggs. I’m feeling a lot better.” I directed that this be done, musing upon + the dreadful menu he had recited and recalling the exquisite finish of the + collation I myself had prepared. Sausages, to be sure, have their place, + and beer as well, but sauerkraut I have never been able to regard as an at + all possible food for persons that really matter. Germans, to be sure! + </p> + <p> + Discreetly I renewed my inquiry: “I dare say the Honourable George was in + good form?” I suggested. + </p> + <p> + “Well, he et a lot. Him and the piano guy was bragging which could eat the + most sausages.” + </p> + <p> + I was unable to restrain a shudder at the thought of this revolting + contest. + </p> + <p> + “The piano guy beat him out, though. He’d been at the Palace Hotel for + three meals and I guess his appetite was right craving.” + </p> + <p> + “And afterward?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, it was like Jackson said: this lad wanted to while away the tejum + of a Sunday afternoon, and so he whiled it, that’s all. Purty soon Mis’ + Kenner set down to the piano and sung some coon songs that tickled him + most to death, and then she got to playing ragtime—say, believe me, + Bill, when she starts in on that rag stuff she can make a piano simply + stutter itself to death. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: MIS’ KENNER SET DOWN TO THE PIANO AND SUNG SOME COON SONGS + THAT TICKLED HIM MOST TO DEATH} + </p> + <p> + “Well, at that the piano guy says it’s great stuff, and so he sets down + himself to try it, and he catches on pretty good, I’ll say that for him, + so we got to dancing while he plays for us, only he don’t remember the + tunes good and has to fake a lot. Then he makes Mis’ Kenner play again + while he dances with Mis’ Fosdick that he spilled the beer on, and after + that we had some more beer and this guy et another plate of kraut and a + few sausages, and Mis’ Kenner sings ‘The Robert E. Lee’ and a couple more + good ones, and the guy played some more ragtime himself, trying to get the + tunes right, and then he played some fancy pieces that he’d practised up + on, and we danced some and had a few more beers, with everybody laughing + and cutting up and having a nice home afternoon. + </p> + <p> + “Well, the piano guy enjoyed himself every minute, if anybody asks you, + being lit up like a main chandelier. They made him feel like he was one of + their own folks. You certainly got to hand it to him for being one little + good mixer. Talk about whiling away the tejum! He done it, all right, all + right. He whiled away so much tejum there he darned near missed his train. + Eddie Pierce kept telling him what time it was, only he’d keep asking Mis’ + Kenner to play just one more rag, and at last we had to just shoot him + into his fur overcoat while he was kissing all the women on their hands, + and we’d have missed the train at that if Eddie hadn’t poured the leather + into them skates of his all the way down to the dee-po. He just did make + it, and he told the Judge and Eddie and me that he ain’t had such a good + time since he left home. I kind of hated to see him go.” + </p> + <p> + He here attacked the eggs with what seemed to be a freshening of his + remarkable appetite. And as yet, be it noted, I had detected no + consciousness on his part that a foul betrayal of confidence had been + committed. I approached the point. + </p> + <p> + “The Belknap-Jacksons were rather expecting him, you know. My impression + was that the Honourable George had been sent to escort him to the + Belknap-Jackson house.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, that’s what I thought, too, but I guess the Judge forgot it, or + mebbe he thinks the guy will mix in better with Mis’ Kenner’s crowd. + Anyway, there they was, and it probably didn’t make any difference to the + guy himself. He likely thought he could while away the tejum there as well + as he could while it any place, all of them being such good scouts. And + the Judge has certainly got a case on Mis’ Kenner, so mebby she asked him + to drop in with any friend of his. She’s got him bridle-wise and broke to + all gaits.” He visibly groped for an illumining phrase. “He—he just + looks at her.” + </p> + <p> + The simple words fell upon my ears with a sickening finality. “He just + looks at her.” I had seen him “just look” at the typing-girl and at the + Brixton milliner. All too fearfully I divined their preposterous + significance. Beyond question a black infamy had been laid bare, but I + made no effort to convey its magnitude to my guileless informant. As I + left him he was mildly bemoaning his own lack of skill on the pianoforte. + </p> + <p> + “Darned if I don’t wish I’d ‘a’ took some lessons on the piano myself like + that guy done. It certainly does help to while away the tejum when you got + friends in for the afternoon. But then I was just a hill-billy. Likely I + couldn’t have learned the notes good.” + </p> + <p> + It was a half-hour later that I was called to the telephone to listen to + the anguished accents of Belknap-Jackson. + </p> + <p> + “Have you heard it?” he called. I answered that I had. + </p> + <p> + “The man is a paranoiac. He should be at once confined in an asylum for + the criminal insane.” + </p> + <p> + “I shall row him fiercely about it, never fear. I’ve not seen him yet.” + </p> + <p> + “But the creature should be watched. He may do harm to himself or to some + innocent person. They—they run wild, they kill, they burn—set + fire to buildings—that sort of thing. I tell you, none of us is + safe.” + </p> + <p> + “The situation,” I answered, “has even more shocking possibilities, but + I’ve an idea I shall be equal to it. If the worst seems to be imminent I + shall adopt extreme measures.” I closed the interview. It was too painful. + I wished to summon all my powers of deliberation. + </p> + <p> + To my amazement who should presently appear among my throng of luncheon + patrons but the Honourable George. I will not say that he slunk in, but + there was an unaccustomed diffidence in his bearing. He did not meet my + eye, and it was not difficult to perceive that he had no wish to engage my + notice. As he sought a vacant table I observed that he was spotted quite + profusely, and his luncheon order was of the simplest. + </p> + <p> + Straight I went to him. He winced a bit, I thought, as he saw me approach, + but then he apparently resolved to brass it out, for he glanced full at me + with a terrific assumption of bravado and at once began to give me beans + about my service. + </p> + <p> + “Your bally tea shop running down, what! Louts for waiters, cloddish + louts! Disgraceful, my word! Slow beggars! Take a year to do you a rasher + and a bit of toast, what!” + </p> + <p> + To this absurd tirade I replied not a word, but stood silently regarding + him. I dare say my gaze was of the most chilling character and steady. He + endured it but a moment. His eyes fell, his bravado vanished, he fumbled + with the cutlery. Quite abashed he was. + </p> + <p> + “Come, your explanation!” I said curtly, divining that the moment was one + in which to adopt a tone with him. He wriggled a bit, crumpling a roll + with panic fingers. + </p> + <p> + “Come, come!” I commanded. + </p> + <p> + His face brightened, though with an intention most obviously false. He + coughed—a cough of pure deception. Not only were his eyes averted + from mine, but they were glassed to an uncanny degree. The fingers wrought + piteously at the now plastic roll. + </p> + <p> + “My word, the chap was taken bad; had to be seen to, what! Revived, I mean + to say. All piano Johnnies that way—nervous wrecks, what! Spells! + Spells, man—spells!” + </p> + <p> + “Come, come!” I said crisply. The glassed eyes were those of one + hypnotized. + </p> + <p> + “In the carriage—to the hyphen chap’s place, to be sure. Fainting + spell—weak heart, what! No stimulants about. Passing house! Perhaps + have stimulants—heart tablets, er—beer—things of that + sort. Lead him in. Revive him. Quite well presently, but not well enough + to go on. Couldn’t let a piano Johnny die on our hands, what! Inquest, + evidence, witnesses—all that silly rot. Save his life, what! + Presence of mind! Kind hearts, what! Humanity! Do as much for any chap. + Not let him die like a dog in the gutter, what! Get no credit, though——” + His curiously mechanical utterance trailed off to be lost in a mere husky + murmur. The glassy stare was still at my wall. + </p> + <p> + I have in the course of my eventful career had occasion to mark the + varying degrees of plausibility with which men speak untruths, but never, + I confidently aver, have I beheld one lie with so piteous a futility. The + art—and I dare say with diplomat chaps and that sort it may properly + be called an art—demands as its very essence that the speaker seem + to be himself convinced of the truth of that which he utters. And the + Honourable George in his youth mentioned for the Foreign Office! + </p> + <p> + I turned away. The exhibition was quite too indecent. I left him to mince + at his meagre fare. As I glanced his way at odd moments thereafter, he + would be muttering feverishly to himself. I mean to say, he no longer <i>was</i> + himself. He presently made his way to the street, looking neither to right + nor left. He had, in truth, the dazed manner of one stupefied by some + powerful narcotic. I wondered pityingly when I should again behold him—if + it might be that his poor wits were bedevilled past mending. + </p> + <p> + My period of uncertainty was all too brief. Some two hours later, full + into the tide of our afternoon shopping throng, there issued a spectacle + that removed any lingering doubt of the unfortunate man’s plight. In the + rather smart pony-trap of the Klondike woman, driven by the person + herself, rode the Honourable George. Full in the startled gaze of many of + our best people he advertised his defection from all that makes for a + sanely governed stability in our social organism. He had gone flagrantly + over to the Bohemian set. + </p> + <p> + I could detect that his eyes were still glassy, but his head was erect. He + seemed to flaunt his shame. And the guilty partner of his downfall drove + with an affectation of easy carelessness, yet with a lift of the chin + which, though barely perceptible, had all the effect of binding the + prisoner to her chariot wheels; a prisoner, moreover, whom it was plain + she meant to parade to the last ignominious degree. She drove leisurely, + and in the little infrequent curt turns of her head to address her + companion she contrived to instill so finished an effect of boredom that + she must have goaded to frenzy any matron of the North Side set who + chanced to observe her, as more than one of them did. + </p> + <p> + Thrice did she halt along our main thoroughfare for bits of shopping, a + mere running into of shops or to the doors of them where she could issue + verbal orders, the while she surveyed her waiting and drugged captive with + a certain half-veiled but good-humoured insolence. At these moments—for + I took pains to overlook the shocking scene—the Honourable George + followed her with eyes no longer glassed; the eyes of helpless + infatuation. “He looks at her,” Cousin Egbert had said. He had told it all + and told it well. The equipage graced our street upon one paltry excuse or + another for the better part of an hour, the woman being minded that none + of us should longer question her supremacy over the next and eleventh Earl + of Brinstead. + </p> + <p> + Not for another hour did the effects of the sensation die out among + tradesmen and the street crowds. It was like waves that recede but + gradually. They talked. They stopped to talk. They passed on talking. They + hissed vivaciously; they rose to exclamations. I mean to say, there was no + end of a gabbling row about it. + </p> + <p> + There was in my mind no longer any room for hesitation. The quite harshest + of extreme measures must be at once adopted before all was too late. I + made my way to the telegraph office. It was not a time for correspondence + by post. + </p> + <p> + Afterward I had myself put through by telephone to Belknap-Jackson. With + his sensitive nature he had stopped in all day. Although still averse to + appearing publicly, he now consented to meet me at my chambers late that + evening. + </p> + <p> + “The whole town is seething with indignation,” he called to me. “It was + disgraceful. I shall come at ten. We rely upon you.” + </p> + <p> + Again I saw that he was concerned solely with his humiliation as a + would-be host. Not yet had he divined that the deluded Honourable George + might go to the unspeakable length of a matrimonial alliance with the + woman who had enchained him. And as to his own disaster, he was less than + accurate when he said that the whole town was seething with indignation. + The members of the North Side set, to be sure, were seething furiously, + but a flippant element of the baser sort was quite openly rejoicing. As at + the time of that most slanderous minstrel performance, it was said that + the Bohemian set had again, if I have caught the phrase, “put a thing over + upon” the North Side set. Many persons of low taste seemed quite to enjoy + the dreadful affair, and the members of the Bohemian set, naturally, + throughout the day had been quite coarsely beside themselves with glee. + </p> + <p> + Little they knew, I reflected, what power I could wield nor that I had + already set in motion its deadly springs. Little did the woman dream, + flaunting her triumph up and down our main business thoroughfare, that one + who watched her there had but to raise his hand to wrest the victim from + her toils. Little did she now dream that he would stop at no half + measures. I mean to say, she would never think I could bowl her out as + easy as buying cockles off a barrow. + </p> + <p> + At the hour for our conference Belknap-Jackson arrived at my chambers + muffled in an ulster and with a soft hat well over his face. I gathered + that he had not wished to be observed. + </p> + <p> + “I feel that this is a crisis,” he began as he gloomily shook my hand. + “Where is our boasted twentieth-century culture if outrages like this are + permitted? For the first time I understand how these Western communities + have in the past resorted to mob violence. Public feeling is already + running high against the creature and her unspeakable set.” + </p> + <p> + I met this outburst with the serenity of one who holds the winning cards + in his hand, and begged him to be seated. Thereupon I disclosed to him the + weakly, susceptible nature of the Honourable George, reciting the + incidents of the typing-girl and the Brixton milliner. I added that now, + as before, I should not hesitate to preserve the family honour. + </p> + <p> + “A dreadful thing, indeed,” he murmured, “if that adventuress should trap + him into a marriage. Imagine her one day a Countess of Brinstead! But + suppose the fellow prove stubborn; suppose his infatuation dulls all his + finer instincts?” + </p> + <p> + I explained that the Honourable George, while he might upon the spur of + the moment commit a folly, was not to be taken too seriously; that he was, + I believed, quite incapable of a grand passion. I mean to say, he always + forgot them after a few days. More like a child staring into shop-windows + he was, rapidly forgetting one desired object in the presence of others. I + added that I had adopted the extremest measures. + </p> + <p> + Thereupon, perceiving that I had something in my sleeve, as the saying is, + my caller besought me to confide in him. Without a word I handed him a + copy of my cable message sent that afternoon to his lordship: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + <i>“Your immediate presence required to prevent a monstrous + folly.”</i> +</pre> + <p> + He brightened as he read it. + </p> + <p> + “You actually mean to say——” he began. + </p> + <p> + “His lordship,” I explained, “will at once understand the nature of what + is threatened. He knows, moreover, that I would not alarm him without + cause. He will come at once, and the Honourable George will be told what. + His lordship has never failed. He tells him what perfectly, and that’s + quite all to it. The poor chap will be saved.” + </p> + <p> + My caller was profoundly stirred. “Coming here—to Red Gap—his + lordship the Earl of Brinstead—actually coming here! My God! This is + wonderful!” He paused; he seemed to moisten his dry lips; he began once + more, and now his voice trembled with emotion: “He will need a place to + stay; our hotel is impossible; had you thought——” He glanced + at me appealingly. + </p> + <p> + “I dare say,” I replied, “that his lordship will be pleased to have you + put him up; you would do him quite nicely.” + </p> + <p> + “You mean it—seriously? That would be—oh, inexpressible. He + would be our house guest! The Earl of Brinstead! I fancy that would + silence a few of these serpent tongues that are wagging so venomously + to-day!” + </p> + <p> + “But before his coming,” I insisted, “there must be no word of his + arrival. The Honourable George would know the meaning of it, and the + woman, though I suspect now that she is only making a show of him, might + go on to the bitter end. They must suspect nothing.” + </p> + <p> + “I had merely thought of a brief and dignified notice in our press,” he + began, quite wistfully, “but if you think it might defeat our ends——” + </p> + <p> + “It must wait until he has come.” + </p> + <p> + “Glorious!” he exclaimed. “It will be even more of a blow to them.” He + began to murmur as if reading from a journal, “‘His lordship the Earl of + Brinstead is visiting for a few days’—it will surely be as much as a + few days, perhaps a week or more—‘is visiting for a few days the C. + Belknap-Jacksons of Boston and Red Gap.’” He seemed to regard the printed + words. “Better still, ‘The C. Belknap-Jacksons of Boston and Red Gap are + for a few days entertaining as their honoured house guest his lordship the + Earl of Brinstead——’ Yes, that’s admirable.” + </p> + <p> + He arose and impulsively clasped my hand. “Ruggles, dear old chap, I + shan’t know at all how to repay you. The Bohemian set, such as are + possible, will be bound to come over to us. There will be left of it but + one unprincipled woman—and she wretched and an outcast. She has made + me absurd. I shall grind her under my heel. The east room shall be + prepared for his lordship; he shall breakfast there if he wishes. I fancy + he’ll find us rather more like himself than he suspects. He shall see that + we have ideals that are not half bad.” + </p> + <p> + He wrung my hand again. His eyes were misty with gratitude. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER SEVENTEEN + </h2> + <p> + Three days later came the satisfying answer to my cable message: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + <i>“Damn! Sailing Wednesday</i>.—BRINSTEAD.” + </pre> + <p> + Glad I was he had used the cable. In a letter there would doubtless have + been still other words improper to a peer of England. + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson thereafter bore himself with a dignity quite tremendous + even for him. Graciously aloof, he was as one carrying an inner light. “We + hold them in the hollow of our hand,” said he, and both his wife and + himself took pains on our own thoroughfare to cut the Honourable George + dead, though I dare say the poor chap never at all noticed it. They spoke + of him as “a remittance man”—the black sheep of a noble family. They + mentioned sympathetically the trouble his vicious ways had been to his + brother, the Earl. Indeed, so mysteriously important were they in + allusions of this sort that I was obliged to caution them, lest they let + out the truth. As it was, there ran through the town an undercurrent of + puzzled suspicion. It was intimated that we had something in our sleeves. + </p> + <p> + Whether this tension was felt by the Honourable George, I had no means of + knowing. I dare say not, as he is self-centred, being seldom aware of + anything beyond his own immediate sensations. But I had reason to believe + that the Klondike woman had divined some menace in our attitude of marked + indifference. Her own manner, when it could be observed, grew increasingly + defiant, if that were possible. The alliance of the Honourable George with + the Bohemian set had become, of course, a public scandal after the day of + his appearance in her trap and after his betrayal of the Belknap-Jacksons + had been gossiped to rags. He no longer troubled himself to pretend any + esteem whatever for the North Side set. Scarce a day passed but he + appeared in public as the woman’s escort. He flagrantly performed her + commissions, and at their questionable Bohemian gatherings, with their + beer and sausages and that sort of thing, he was the gayest of that gay, + mad set. + </p> + <p> + Indeed, of his old associates, Cousin Egbert quite almost alone seemed to + find him any longer desirable, and him I had no heart to caution, knowing + that I should only wound without enlightening him, he being entirely + impervious to even these cruder aspects of class distinction. I dare say + he would have considered the marriage of the Honourable George as no more + than the marriage of one of his cattle-person companions. I mean to say, + he is a dear old sort and I should never fail to defend him in the most + disheartening of his vagaries, but he is undeniably insensitive to what + one does and does not do. + </p> + <p> + The conviction ran, let me repeat, that we had another pot of broth on the + fire. I gleaned as much from the Mixer, she being one of the few others + besides Cousin Egbert in whose liking the Honourable George had not + terrifically descended. She made it a point to address me on the subject + over a dish of tea at the Grill one afternoon, choosing a table + sufficiently remote from my other feminine guests, who doubtless, at their + own tables, discussed the same complication. I was indeed glad that we + were remote from other occupied tables, because in the course of her + remarks she quite forcefully uttered an oath, which I thought it as well + not to have known that I cared to tolerate in my lady patrons. + </p> + <p> + “As to what Jackson feels about the way it was handed out to him that + Sunday,” she bluntly declared, “I don’t care a——” The oath + quite dazed me for a moment, although I had been warned that she would use + language on occasion. “What I do care about,” she went on briskly, “is + that I won’t have this girl pestered by Jackson or by you or by any man + that wears hair! Why, Jackson talks so silly about her sometimes you’d + think she was a bad woman—and he keeps hinting about something he’s + going to put over till I can hardly keep my hands off him. I just know + some day he’ll make me forget I’m a lady. Now, take it from me, Bill, if + you’re setting in with him, don’t start anything you can’t finish.” + </p> + <p> + Really she was quite fierce about it. I mean to say, the glitter in her + eyes made me recall what Cousin Egbert had said of Mrs. Effie, her being + quite entirely willing to take on a rattlesnake and give it the advantage + of the first two assaults. Somewhat flustered I was, yet I hastened to + assure her that, whatever steps I might feel obliged to take for the + protection of the Honourable George, they would involve nothing at all + unfair to the lady in question. + </p> + <p> + “Well, they better hadn’t!” she resumed threateningly. “That girl had a + hard time all right, but listen here—she’s as right as a church. She + couldn’t fool me a minute if she wasn’t. Don’t you suppose I been around + and around quite some? Just because she likes to have a good time and + outdresses these dames here—is that any reason they should get out + their hammers? Ain’t she earned some right to a good time, tell me, after + being married when she was a silly kid to Two-spot Kenner, the swine—and + God bless the trigger finger of the man that bumped him off! As for the + poor old Judge, don’t worry. I like the old boy, but Kate Kenner won’t do + anything more than make a monkey of him just to spite Jackson and his band + of lady knockers. Marry him? Say, get me right, Bill—I’ll put it as + delicate as I can—the Judge is too darned far from being a mental + giant for that.” + </p> + <p> + I dare say she would have slanged me for another half-hour but for the + constant strain of keeping her voice down. As it was, she boomed up now + and again in a way that reduced to listening silence the ladies at several + distant tables. + </p> + <p> + As to the various points she had raised, I was somewhat confused. About + the Honourable George, for example: He was, to be sure, no mental giant. + But one occupying his position is not required to be. Indeed, in the class + to which he was born one well knows that a mental giant would be quite as + distressingly bizarre as any other freak. I regretted not having retorted + this to her, for it now occurred to me that she had gone it rather strong + with her “poor old Judge.” I mean to say, it was almost quite a little bit + raw for a native American to adopt this patronizing tone toward one of us. + </p> + <p> + And yet I found that my esteem for the Mixer had increased rather than + diminished by reason of her plucky defence of the Klondike woman. I had no + reason to suppose that the designing creature was worth a defence, but I + could only admire the valour that made it. Also I found food for profound + meditation in the Mixer’s assertion that the woman’s sole aim was to “make + a monkey” of the Honourable George. If she were right, a mésalliance need + not be feared, at which thought I felt a great relief. That she should + achieve the lesser and perhaps equally easy feat with the poor chap was a + calamity that would be, I fancied, endured by his lordship with a serene + fortitude. + </p> + <p> + Curiously enough, as I went over the Mixer’s tirade point by point, I + found in myself an inexplicable loss of animus toward the Klondike woman. + I will not say I was moved to sympathy for her, but doubtless that strange + ferment of equality stirred me toward her with something less than the + indignation I had formerly felt. Perhaps she was an entirely worthy + creature. In that case, I merely wished her to be taught that one must not + look too far above one’s station, even in America, in so serious an affair + as matrimony. With all my heart I should wish her a worthy mate of her own + class, and I was glad indeed to reflect upon the truth of my assertion to + the Mixer, that no unfair advantage would be taken of her. His lordship + would remove the Honourable George from her toils, a made monkey, perhaps, + but no husband. + </p> + <p> + Again that day did I listen to a defence of this woman, and from a source + whence I could little have expected it. Meditating upon the matter, I + found myself staring at Mrs. Judson as she polished some glassware in the + pantry. As always, the worthy woman made a pleasing picture in her neat + print gown. From staring at her rather absently I caught myself reflecting + that she was one of the few women whose hair is always perfectly coiffed. + I mean to say, no matter what the press of her occupation, it never goes + here and there. + </p> + <p> + From the hair, my meditative eye, still rather absently, I believe, + descended her quite good figure to her boots. Thereupon, my gaze ceased to + be absent. They were not boots. They were bronzed slippers with high heels + and metal buckles and of a character so distinctive that I instantly knew + they had once before been impressed upon my vision. Swiftly my mind + identified them: they had been worn by the Klondike woman on the occasion + of a dinner at the Grill, in conjunction with a gown to match and a bluish + scarf—all combining to achieve an immense effect. + </p> + <p> + My assistant hummed at her task, unconscious of my scrutiny. I recall that + I coughed slightly before disclosing to her that my attention had been + attracted to her slippers. She took the reference lightly, affecting, as + the sex will, to belittle any prized possession in the face of masculine + praise. + </p> + <p> + “I have seen them before,” I ventured. + </p> + <p> + “She gives me all of hers. I haven’t had to buy shoes since baby was born. + She gives me—lots of things—stockings and things. She likes me + to have them.” + </p> + <p> + “I didn’t know you knew her.” + </p> + <p> + “Years! I’m there once a week to give the house a good going over. That + Jap of hers is the limit. Dust till you can’t rest. And when I clean he + just grins.” + </p> + <p> + I mused upon this. The woman was already giving half her time to + superintending two assistants in the preparation of the International + Relish. + </p> + <p> + “Her work is too much in addition to your own,” I suggested. + </p> + <p> + “Me? Work too hard? Not in a thousand years. I do all right for you, don’t + I?” + </p> + <p> + It was true; she was anything but a slacker. I more nearly approached my + real objection. + </p> + <p> + “A woman in your position,” I began, “can’t be too careful as to the + associations she forms——” I had meant to go on, but found it + quite absurdly impossible. My assistant set down the glass she had and + quite venomously brandished her towel at me. + </p> + <p> + “So that’s it?” she began, and almost could get no farther for mere + sputtering. I mean to say, I had long recognized that she possessed + character, but never had I suspected that she would have so inadequate a + control of her temper. + </p> + <p> + “So that’s it?” she sputtered again, “And I thought you were too decent to + join in that talk about a woman just because she’s young and wears pretty + clothes and likes to go out. I’m astonished at you, I really am. I thought + you were more of a man!” She broke off, scowling at me most furiously. + </p> + <p> + Feeling all at once rather a fool, I sought to conciliate her. “I have + joined in no talk,” I said. “I merely suggested——” But she + shut me off sharply. + </p> + <p> + “And let me tell you one thing: I can pick out my associates in this town + without any outside help. The idea! That girl is just as nice a person as + ever walked the earth, and nobody ever said she wasn’t except those frumpy + old cats that hate her good looks because the men all like her.” + </p> + <p> + “Old cats!” I echoed, wishing to rebuke this violence of epithet, but she + would have none of me. + </p> + <p> + “Nasty old spite-cats,” she insisted with even more violence, and went on + to an almost quite blasphemous absurdity. “A prince in his palace wouldn’t + be any too good for her!” + </p> + <p> + “Tut, tut!” I said, greatly shocked. + </p> + <p> + “Tut nothing!” she retorted fiercely. “A regular prince in his palace, + that’s what she deserves. There isn’t a single man in this one-horse town + that’s good enough to pick up her glove. And she knows it, too. She’s + carrying on with your silly Englishman now, but it’s just to pay those old + cats back in their own coin. She’ll carry on with him—yes! But + marry? Good heavens and earth! Marriage is serious!” With this novel + conclusion she seized another glass and began to wipe it viciously. She + glared at me, seeming to believe that she had closed the interview. But I + couldn’t stop. In some curious way she had stirred me rather out of myself—but + not about the Klondike woman nor about the Honourable George. I began most + illogically, I admit, to rage inwardly about another matter. + </p> + <p> + “You have other associates,” I exclaimed quite violently, “those + cattle-persons—I know quite all about it. That Hank and Buck—they + come here on the chance of seeing you; they bring you boxes of candy, they + bring you little presents. Twice they’ve escorted you home at night when + you quite well knew I was only too glad to do it——” I felt my + temper most curiously running away with me, ranting about things I hadn’t + meant to at all. I looked for another outburst from her, but to my + amazement she flashed me a smile with a most enigmatic look back of it. + She tossed her head, but resumed her wiping of the glass with a certain + demureness. She spoke almost meekly: + </p> + <p> + “They’re very old friends, and I’m sure they always act right. I don’t see + anything wrong in it, even if Buck Edwards has shown me a good deal of + attention.” + </p> + <p> + But this very meekness of hers seemed to arouse all the violence in my + nature. + </p> + <p> + “I won’t have it!” I said. “You have no right to receive presents from + men. I tell you I won’t have it! You’ve no right!” + </p> + <p> + “Haven’t I?” she suddenly said in the most curious, cool little voice, her + eyes falling before mine. “Haven’t I? I didn’t know.” + </p> + <p> + It was quite chilling, her tone and manner. I was cool in an instant. + Things seemed to mean so much more than I had supposed they did. I mean to + say, it was a fair crumpler. She paused in her wiping of the glass but did + not regard me. I was horribly moved to go to her, but coolly remembered + that that sort of thing would never do. + </p> + <p> + “I trust I have said enough,” I remarked with entirely recovered dignity. + </p> + <p> + “You have,” she said. + </p> + <p> + “I mean I won’t have such things,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “I hear you,” she said, and fell again to her work. I thereupon + investigated an ice-box and found enough matter for complaint against the + Hobbs boy to enable me to manage a dignified withdrawal to the rear. The + remarkable creature was humming again as I left. + </p> + <p> + I stood in the back door of the Grill giving upon the alley, where I mused + rather excitedly. Here I was presently interrupted by the dog, Mr. Barker. + For weeks now I had been relieved of his odious attentions, by the very + curious circumstance that he had transferred them to the Honourable + George. Not all my kicks and cuffs and beatings had sufficed one whit to + repulse him. He had kept after me, fawned upon me, in spite of them. And + then on a day he had suddenly, with glad cries, become enamoured of the + Honourable George, waiting for him at doors, following him, hanging upon + his every look. And the Honourable George had rather fancied the beast and + made much of him. + </p> + <p> + And yet this animal is reputed by poets and that sort of thing to be man’s + best friend, faithfully sharing his good fortune and his bad, staying by + his side to the bitter end, even refusing to leave his body when he has + perished—starving there with a dauntless fidelity. How chagrined the + weavers of these tributes would have been to observe the fickle nature of + the beast in question! For weeks he had hardly deigned me a glance. It had + been a relief, to be sure, but what a sickening disclosure of the cur’s + trifling inconstancy. Even now, though he sniffed hungrily at the open + door, he paid me not the least attention—me whom he had once + idolized! + </p> + <p> + I slipped back to the ice-box and procured some slices of beef that were + far too good for him. He fell to them with only a perfunctory + acknowledgment of my agency in procuring them. + </p> + <p> + “Why, I thought you hated him!” suddenly said the voice of his owner. She + had tiptoed to my side. + </p> + <p> + “I do,” I said quite savagely, “but the unspeakable beast can’t be left to + starve, can he?” + </p> + <p> + I felt her eyes upon me, but would not turn. Suddenly she put her hand + upon my shoulder, patting it rather curiously, as she might have soothed + her child. When I did turn she was back at her task. She was humming + again, nor did she glance my way. Quite certainly she was no longer + conscious that I stood about. She had quite forgotten me. I could tell as + much from her manner. “Such,” I reflected, with an unaccustomed cynicism, + “is the light inconsequence of women and dogs.” Yet I still experienced a + curiously thrilling determination to protect her from her own good nature + in the matter of her associates. + </p> + <p> + At a later and cooler moment of the day I reflected upon her defence of + the Klondike woman. A “prince in his palace” not too good for her! No + doubt she had meant me to take these remarkable words quite seriously. It + was amazing, I thought, with what seriousness the lower classes of the + country took their dogma of equality, and with what naïve confidence they + relied upon us to accept it. Equality in North America was indeed + praiseworthy; I had already given it the full weight of my approval and + meant to live by it. But at home, of course, that sort of thing would + never do. The crude moral worth of the Klondike woman might be all that + her two defenders had alleged, and indeed I felt again that strange little + thrill of almost sympathy for her as one who had been unjustly aspersed. + But I could only resolve that I would be no party to any unfair plan of + opposing her. The Honourable George must be saved from her trifling as + well as from her serious designs, if such she might have; but so far as I + could influence the process it should cause as little chagrin as possible + to the offender. This much the Mixer and my charwoman had achieved with + me. Indeed, quite hopeful I was that when the creature had been set right + as to what was due one of our oldest and proudest families she would find + life entirely pleasant among those of her own station. She seemed to have + a good heart. + </p> + <p> + As the day of his lordship’s arrival drew near, Belknap-Jackson became + increasingly concerned about the precise manner of his reception and the + details of his entertainment, despite my best assurances that no + especially profound thought need be given to either, his lordship being + quite that sort, fussy enough in his own way but hardly formal or + pretentious. + </p> + <p> + His prospective host, after many consultations with me, at length allowed + himself to be dissuaded from meeting his lordship in correct afternoon + garb of frock-coat and top-hat, consenting, at my urgent suggestion, to a + mere lounge-suit of tweeds with a soft-rolled hat and a suitable rough day + stick. Again in the matter of the menu for his lordship’s initial dinner + which we had determined might well be tendered him at my establishment. + Both husband and wife were rather keen for an elaborate repast of many + courses, feeling that anything less would be doing insufficient honour to + their illustrious guest, but I at length convinced them that I quite knew + what his lordship would prefer: a vegetable soup, an abundance of boiled + mutton with potatoes, a thick pudding, a bit of scientifically correct + cheese, and a jug of beer. Rather trying they were at my first mention of + this—a dinner quite without finesse, to be sure, but eminently + nutritive—and only their certainty that I knew his lordship’s ways + made them give in. + </p> + <p> + The affair was to be confined to the family, his lordship the only guest, + this being thought discreet for the night of his arrival in view of the + peculiar nature of his mission. Belknap-Jackson had hoped against hope + that the Mixer might not be present, and even so late as the day of his + lordship’s arrival he was cheered by word that she might be compelled to + keep her bed with a neuralgia. + </p> + <p> + To the afternoon train I accompanied him in his new motor-car, finding him + not a little distressed because the chauffeur, a native of the town, had + stoutly—and with some not nice words, I gathered—refused to + wear the smart uniform which his employer had provided. + </p> + <p> + “I would have shopped the fellow in an instant,” he confided to me, “had + it been at any other time. He was most impertinent. But as usual, here I + am at the mercy of circumstances. We couldn’t well subject Brinstead to + those loathsome public conveyances.” + </p> + <p> + We waited in the usual throng of the leisured lower-classes who are so + naïvely pleased at the passage of a train. I found myself picturing their + childish wonder had they guessed the identity of him we were there to + meet. Even as the train appeared Belknap-Jackson made a last moan of + complaint. + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Pettengill,” he observed dejectedly, “is about the house again and I + fear will be quite well enough to be with us this evening.” For a moment I + almost quite disapproved of the fellow. I mean to say, he was vogue and + all that, and no doubt had been wretchedly mistreated, but after all the + Mixer was not one to be wished ill to. + </p> + <p> + A moment later I was contrasting the quiet arrival of his lordship with + the clamour and confusion that had marked the advent among us of the + Honourable George. He carried but one bag and attracted no attention + whatever from the station loungers. While I have never known him be + entirely vogue in his appointments, his lordship carries off a lounge-suit + and his gray-cloth hat with a certain manner which the Honourable George + was never known to achieve even in the days when I groomed him. The + grayish rather aggressive looking side-whiskers first caught my eye, and a + moment later I had taken his hand. Belknap-Jackson at the same time took + his bag, and with a trepidation so obvious that his lordship may perhaps + have been excusable for a momentary misapprehension. I mean to say, he + instantly and crisply directed Belknap-Jackson to go forward to the + luggage van and recover his box. + </p> + <p> + A bit awkward it was, to be sure, but I speedily took the situation in + hand by formally presenting the two men, covering the palpable + embarrassment of the host by explaining to his lordship the astounding + ingenuity of the American luggage system. By the time I had deprived him + of his check and convinced him that his box would be admirably recovered + by a person delegated to that service, Belknap-Jackson, again in form, was + apologizing to him for the squalid character of the station and for the + hardships he must be prepared to endure in a crude Western village. Here + again the host was annoyed by having to call repeatedly to his mechanician + in order to detach him from a gossiping group of loungers. He came smoking + a quite fearfully bad cigar and took his place at the wheel entirely + without any suitable deference to his employer. + </p> + <p> + His lordship during the ride rather pointedly surveyed me, being + impressed, I dare say, by something in my appearance and manner quite new + to him. Doubtless I had been feeling equal for so long that the thing was + to be noticed in my manner. He made no comment upon me, however. Indeed + almost the only time he spoke during our passage was to voice his + astonishment at not having been able to procure the London <i>Times</i> at + the press-stalls along the way. His host made clucking noises of sympathy + at this. He had, he said, already warned his lordship that America was + still crude. + </p> + <p> + “Crude? Of course, what, what!” exclaimed his lordship. “But naturally + they’d have the <i>Times</i>! I dare say the beggars were too lazy to look + it out. Laziness, what, what!” + </p> + <p> + “We’ve a job teaching them to know their places,” ventured + Belknap-Jackson, moodily regarding the back of his chauffeur which somehow + contrived to be eloquent with disrespect for him. + </p> + <p> + “My word, what rot!” rejoined his lordship. I saw that he had arrived in + one of his peppery moods. I fancy he could not have recited a + multiplication table without becoming fanatically assertive about it. That + was his way. I doubt if he had ever condescended to have an opinion. What + might have been opinions came out on him like a rash in form of the most + violent convictions. + </p> + <p> + “What rot not to know their places, when they must know them!” he + snappishly added. + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, quite so!” his host hastened to assure him. + </p> + <p> + “A—dashed—fine big country you have,” was his only other + observation. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, indeed,” murmured his host mildly. I had rather dreaded the oath + which his lordship is prone to use lightly. + </p> + <p> + Reaching the Belknap-Jackson house, his lordship was shown to the + apartment prepared for him. + </p> + <p> + “Tea will be served in half an hour, your—er—Brinstead,” + announced his host cordially, although seemingly at a loss how to address + him. + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, what, what! Tea, of course, of course! Why wouldn’t it be? + Meantime, if you don’t mind, I’ll have a word with Ruggles. At once.” + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson softly and politely withdrew at once. + </p> + <p> + Alone with his lordship, I thought it best to acquaint him instantly with + the change in my circumstances, touching lightly upon the matter of my now + being an equal with rather most of the North Americans. He listened with + exemplary patience to my brief recital and was good enough to felicitate + me. + </p> + <p> + “Assure you, glad to hear it—glad no end. Worthy fellow; always knew + it. And equal, of course, of course! Take up their equality by all means + if you take ‘em up themselves. Curious lot of nose-talking beggars, and + putting r’s every place one shouldn’t, but don’t blame you. Do it myself + if I could—England gone to pot. Quite!” + </p> + <p> + “Gone to pot, sir?” I gasped. + </p> + <p> + “Don’t argue. Course it has. Women! Slasher fiends and firebrands! + Pictures, churches, golf-greens, cabinet members—nothing safe. + Pouring their beastly filth into pillar boxes. Women one knows. Hussies, + though! Want the vote—rot! Awful rot! Don’t blame you for America. + Wish I might, too. Good thing, my word! No backbone in Downing Street. Let + the fiends out again directly they’re hungry. No system! No firmness! No + dash! Starve ‘em proper, I would.” + </p> + <p> + He was working himself into no end of a state. I sought to divert him. + </p> + <p> + “About the Honourable George, sir——” I ventured. + </p> + <p> + “What’s the silly ass up to now? Dancing girl got him—yes? How he + does it, I can’t think. No looks, no manner, no way with women. Can’t + stand him myself. How ever can they? Frightful bore, old George is. Well, + well, man, I’m waiting. Tell me, tell me, tell me!” + </p> + <p> + Briefly I disclosed to him that his brother had entangled himself with a + young person who had indeed been a dancing girl or a bit like that in the + province of Alaska. That at the time of my cable there was strong reason + to believe she would stop at nothing—even marriage, but that I had + since come to suspect that she might be bent only on making a fool of her + victim, she being, although an honest enough character, rather inclined to + levity and without proper respect for established families. + </p> + <p> + I hinted briefly at the social warfare of which she had been a storm + centre. I said again, remembering the warm words of the Mixer and of my + charwoman, that to the best of my knowledge her character was without + blemish. All at once I was feeling preposterously sorry for the creature. + </p> + <p> + His lordship listened, though with a cross-fire of interruptions. “Alaska + dancing girl. Silly! Nothing but snow and mines in Alaska.” Or, again, + “Make a fool of old George? What silly piffle! Already done it himself, + what, what! Waste her time!” And if she wasn’t keen to marry him, had I + called him across the ocean to intervene in a vulgar village squabble + about social precedence? “Social precedence silly rot!” + </p> + <p> + I insisted that his brother should be seen to. One couldn’t tell what the + woman might do. Her audacity was tremendous, even for an American. To this + he listened more patiently. + </p> + <p> + “Dare say you’re right. You don’t go off your head easily. I’ll rag him + proper, now I’m here. Always knew the ass would make a silly marriage if + he could. Yes, yes, I’ll break it up quick enough. I say I’ll break it up + proper. Dancers and that sort. Dangerous. But I know their tricks.” + </p> + <p> + A summons to tea below interrupted him. + </p> + <p> + “Hungry, my word! Hardly dared eat in that dining-coach. Tinned stuff all + about one. Appendicitis! American journal—some Colonel chap found it + out. Hunting sort. Looked a fool beside his silly horse, but seemed to + know. Took no chances. Said the tin-opener slays its thousands. Rot, no + doubt. Perhaps not.” + </p> + <p> + I led him below, hardly daring at the moment to confess my own + responsibility for his fears. Another time, I thought, we might chat of + it. + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson with his wife and the Mixer awaited us. His lordship was + presented, and I excused myself. + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Pettengill, his lordship the Earl of Brinstead,” had been the host’s + speech of presentation to the Mixer. + </p> + <p> + “How do do, Earl; I’m right glad to meet you,” had been the Mixer’s + acknowledgment, together with a hearty grasp of the hand. I saw his + lordship’s face brighten. + </p> + <p> + “What ho!” he cried with the first cheerfulness he had exhibited, and the + Mixer, still vigorously pumping his hand, had replied, “Same here!” with a + vast smile of good nature. It occurred to me that they, at least, were + quite going to “get” each other, as Americans say. + </p> + <p> + “Come right in and set down in the parlour,” she was saying at the last. + “I don’t eat between meals like you English folks are always doing, but + I’ll take a shot of hooch with you.” + </p> + <p> + The Belknap-Jacksons stood back not a little distressed. They seemed to + publish that their guest was being torn from them. + </p> + <p> + “A shot of hooch!” observed his lordship “I dare say your shooting over + here is absolutely top-hole—keener sport than our popping at driven + birds. What, what!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER EIGHTEEN + </h2> + <p> + At a latish seven, when the Grill had become nicely filled with a + representative crowd, the Belknap-Jacksons arrived with his lordship. The + latter had not dressed and I was able to detect that Belknap-Jackson, + doubtless noting his guest’s attire at the last moment, had hastily + changed back to a lounge-suit of his own. Also I noted the absence of the + Mixer and wondered how the host had contrived to eliminate her. On this + point he found an opportunity to enlighten me before taking his seat. + </p> + <p> + “Mark my words, that old devil is up to something,” he darkly said, and I + saw that he was genuinely put about, for not often does he fall into + strong language. + </p> + <p> + “After pushing herself forward with his lordship all through tea-time in + the most brazen manner, she announces that she has a previous dinner + engagement and can’t be with us. I’m as well pleased to have her absent, + of course, but I’d pay handsomely to know what her little game is. Imagine + her not dining with the Earl of Brinstead when she had the chance! That + shows something’s wrong. I don’t like it. I tell you she’s capable of + things.” + </p> + <p> + I mused upon this. The Mixer was undoubtedly capable of things. Especially + things concerning her son-in-law. And yet I could imagine no opening for + her at the present moment and said as much. And Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, I + was glad to observe, did not share her husband’s evident worry. She had + entered the place plumingly, as it were, sweeping the length of the room + before his lordship with quite all the manner her somewhat stubby figure + could carry off. Seated, she became at once vivacious, chatting to his + lordship brightly and continuously, raking the room the while with her + lorgnon. Half a dozen ladies of the North Side set were with parties at + other tables. I saw she was immensely stimulated by the circumstance that + these friends were unaware of her guest’s identity. I divined that before + the evening was over she would contrive to disclose it. + </p> + <p> + His lordship responded but dully to her animated chat. He is never less + urbane than when hungry, and I took pains to have his favourite soup + served quite almost at once. This he fell upon. I may say that he has + always a hearty manner of attacking his soup. Not infrequently he makes + noises. He did so on this occasion. I mean to say, there was no finesse. I + hovered near, anxious that the service should be without flaw. + </p> + <p> + His head bent slightly over his plate, I saw a spoonful of soup ascending + with precision toward his lips. But curiously it halted in mid-air, then + fell back. His lordship’s eyes had become fixed upon some one back of me. + At once, too, I noted looks of consternation upon the faces of the + Belknap-Jacksons, the hostess freezing in the very midst of some choice + phrase she had smilingly begun. + </p> + <p> + I turned quickly. It was the Klondike person, radiant in the costume of + black and the black hat. She moved down the hushed room with well-lifted + chin, eyes straight ahead and narrowed to but a faint offended + consciousness of the staring crowd. It was well done. It was superior. I + am able to judge those things. + </p> + <p> + Reaching a table the second but one from the Belknap-Jacksons’s, she + relaxed finely from the austere note of her progress and turned to her + companions with a pretty and quite perfect confusion as to which chair she + might occupy. Quite awfully these companions were the Mixer, overwhelming + in black velvet and diamonds, and Cousin Egbert, uncomfortable enough + looking but as correctly enveloped in evening dress as he could ever + manage by himself. His cravat had been tied many times and needed it once + more. + </p> + <p> + They were seated by the raccoon with quite all his impressiveness of + manner. They faced the Belknap-Jackson party, yet seemed unconscious of + its presence. Cousin Egbert, with a bored manner which I am certain he + achieved only with tremendous effort, scanned my simple menu. The Mixer + settled herself with a vast air of comfort and arranged various + hand-belongings about her on the table. + </p> + <p> + Between them the Klondike woman sat with a restraint that would actually + not have ill-become one of our own women. She did not look about; her + hands were still, her head was up. At former times with her own set she + had been wont to exhibit a rather defiant vivacity. Now she did not + challenge. Finely, eloquently, there pervaded her a reserve that seemed + almost to exhale a fragrance. But of course that is silly rot. I mean to + say, she drew the attention without visible effort. She only waited. + </p> + <p> + The Earl of Brinstead, as we all saw, had continued to stare. Thrice + slowly arose the spoon of soup, for mere animal habit was strong upon him, + yet at a certain elevation it each time fell slowly back. He was acting + like a mechanical toy. Then the Mixer caught his eye and nodded crisply. + He bobbed in response. + </p> + <p> + “What ho! The dowager!” he exclaimed, and that time the soup was + successfully resumed. + </p> + <p> + “Poor old mater!” sighed his hostess. “She’s constantly taking up people. + One does, you know, in these queer Western towns.” + </p> + <p> + “Jolly old thing, awfully good sort!” said his lordship, but his eyes were + not on the Mixer. + </p> + <p> + Terribly then I recalled the Honourable George’s behaviour at that same + table the night he had first viewed this Klondike person. His lordship was + staring in much the same fashion. Yet I was relieved to observe that the + woman this time was quite unconscious of the interest she had aroused. In + the case of the Honourable George, who had frankly ogled her—for the + poor chap has ever lacked the finer shades in these matters—she had + not only been aware of it but had deliberately played upon it. It is not + too much to say that she had shown herself to be a creature of + blandishments. More than once she had permitted her eyes to rest upon him + with that peculiarly womanish gaze which, although superficially of a + blank innocence, is yet all-seeing and even shoots little fine arrows of + questions from its ambuscade. But now she was ignoring his lordship as + utterly as she did the Belknap-Jacksons. + </p> + <p> + To be sure she may later have been in some way informed that his eyes were + seeking her, but never once, I am sure, did she descend to even a veiled + challenge of his glance or betray the faintest discreet consciousness of + it. And this I was indeed glad to note in her. Clearly she must know where + to draw the line, permitting herself a malicious laxity with a younger + brother which she would not have the presumption to essay with the holder + of the title. Pleased I was, I say, to detect in her this proper respect + for his lordship’s position. It showed her to be not all unworthy. + </p> + <p> + The dinner proceeded, his lordship being good enough to compliment me on + the fare which I knew was done to his liking. Yet, even in the very + presence of the boiled mutton, his eyes were too often upon his neighbour. + When he behaved thus in the presence of a dish of mutton I had not to be + told that he was strongly moved. I uneasily recalled now that he had once + been a bit of a dog himself. I mean to say, there was talk in the + countryside, though of course it had died out a score of years ago. I + thought it as well, however, that he be told almost immediately that the + person he honoured with his glance was no other than the one he had come + to subtract his unfortunate brother from. + </p> + <p> + The dinner progressed—somewhat jerkily because of his lordship’s + inattention—through the pudding and cheese to coffee. Never had I + known his lordship behave so languidly in the presence of food he cared + for. His hosts ate even less. They were worried. Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, + however, could simply no longer contain within herself the secret of their + guest’s identity. With excuses to the deaf ears of his lordship she left + to address a friend at a distant table. She addressed others at other + tables, leaving a flutter of sensation in her wake. + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson, having lighted one of his non-throat cigarettes, + endeavoured to engross his lordship with an account of their last election + of officers to the country club. His lordship was not properly attentive + to this. Indeed, with his hostess gone he no longer made any pretence of + concealing his interest in the other table. I saw him catch the eye of the + Mixer and astonishingly intercepted from her a swift but most egregious + wink. + </p> + <p> + “One moment,” said his lordship to the host. “Must pay my respects to the + dowager, what, what! Jolly old muggins, yes!” And he was gone. + </p> + <p> + I heard the Mixer’s amazing presentation speech. + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Kenner, Mr. Floud, his lordship—say, listen here, is your + right name Brinstead, or Basingwell, like your brother’s?” + </p> + <p> + The Klondike person acknowledged the thing with a faintly gracious nod. It + carried an air, despite the slightness of it. Cousin Egbert was more + cordial. + </p> + <p> + “Pleased to meet you, Lord!” said he, and grasped the newcomer’s hand. + “Come on, set in with us and have some coffee and a cigar. Here, Jeff, + bring the lord a good cigar. We was just talking about you that minute. + How do you like our town? Say, this here Kulanche Valley——” I + lost the rest. His lordship had seated himself. At his own table + Belknap-Jackson writhed acutely. He was lighting a second cigarette—the + first not yet a quarter consumed! + </p> + <p> + At once the four began to be thick as thieves, though it was apparent his + lordship had eyes only for the woman. Coffee was brought. His lordship + lighted his cigar. And now the word had so run from Mrs. Belknap-Jackson + that all eyes were drawn to this table. She had created her sensation and + it had become all at once more of one than she had thought. From Mrs. + Judge Ballard’s table I caught her glare at her unconscious mother. It was + not the way one’s daughter should regard one in public. + </p> + <p> + Presently contriving to pass the table again, I noted that Cousin Egbert + had changed his form of address. + </p> + <p> + “Have some brandy with your coffee, Earl. Here, Jeff, bring Earl and all + of us some lee-cures.” I divined the monstrous truth that he supposed + himself to be calling his lordship by his first name, and he in turn must + have understood my shocked glance of rebuke, for a bit later, with glad + relief in his tones, he was addressing his lordship as “Cap!” And myself + he had given the rank of colonel! + </p> + <p> + The Klondike person in the beginning finely maintained her reserve. Only + at the last did she descend to vivacity or the use of her eyes. This later + laxness made me wonder if, after all, she would feel bound to pay his + lordship the respect he was wont to command from her class. + </p> + <p> + “You and poor George are rather alike,” I overheard, “except that he uses + the single ‘what’ and you use the double. Hasn’t he any right to use the + double ‘what’ yet, and what does it mean, anyway? Tell us.” + </p> + <p> + “What, what!” demanded his lordship, a bit puzzled. + </p> + <p> + “But that’s it! What do you say ‘What, what’ for? It can’t do you any + good.” + </p> + <p> + “What, what! But I mean to say, you’re having me on. My word you are—spoofing, + I mean to say. What, what! To be sure. Chaffing lot, you are!” He laughed. + He was behaving almost with levity. + </p> + <p> + “But poor old George is so much younger than you—you must make + allowances,” I again caught her saying; and his lordship replied: + </p> + <p> + “Not at all; not at all! Matter of a half-score years. Barely a + half-score; nine and a few months. Younger? What rot! Chaffing again.” + </p> + <p> + Really it was a bit thick, the creature saying “poor old George” quite as + if he were something in an institution, having to be wheeled about in a + bath-chair with rugs and water-bottles! + </p> + <p> + Glad I was when the trio gave signs of departure. It was woman’s craft + dictating it, I dare say. She had made her effect and knew when to go. + </p> + <p> + “Of course we shall have to talk over my dreadful designs on your poor old + George,” said the amazing woman, intently regarding his lordship at + parting. + </p> + <p> + “Leave it to me,” said he, with a scarcely veiled significance. + </p> + <p> + “Well, see you again, Cap,” said Cousin Egbert warmly. “I’ll take you + around to meet some of the boys. We’ll see you have a good time.” + </p> + <p> + “What ho!” his lordship replied cordially. The Klondike person flashed him + one enigmatic look, then turned to precede her companions. Again down the + thronged room she swept, with that chin-lifted, drooping-eyed, faintly + offended half consciousness of some staring rabble at hand that concerned + her not at all. Her alert feminine foes, I am certain, read no slightest + trace of amusement in her unwavering lowered glance. So easily she could + have been crude here! + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson, enduring his ignominious solitude to the limit of his + powers, had joined his wife at the lower end of the room. They had taken + the unfortunate development with what grace they could. His lordship had + dropped in upon them quite informally—charming man that he was. Of + course he would quickly break up the disgraceful affair. Beginning at + once. They would doubtless entertain for him in a quiet way—— + </p> + <p> + At the deserted table his lordship now relieved a certain sickening + apprehension that had beset me. + </p> + <p> + “What, what! Quite right to call me out here. Shan’t forget it. Dangerous + creature, that. Badly needed, I was. Can’t think why you waited so long! + Anything might have happened to old George. Break it up proper, though. + Never do at all. Impossible person for him. Quite!” + </p> + <p> + I saw they had indeed taken no pains to hide the woman’s identity from him + nor their knowledge of his reason for coming out to the States, though + with wretchedly low taste they had done this chaffingly. Yet it was only + too plain that his lordship now realized what had been the profound + gravity of the situation, and I was glad to see that he meant to end it + without any nonsense. + </p> + <p> + “Silly ass, old George, though,” he added as the Belknap-Jacksons + approached. “How a creature like that could ever have fancied him! What, + what!” + </p> + <p> + His hosts were profuse in their apologies for having so thoughtlessly run + away from his lordship—they carried it off rather well. They were + keen for sitting at the table once more, as the other observant diners + were lingering on, but his lordship would have none of this. + </p> + <p> + “Stuffy place!” said he. “Best be getting on.” And so, reluctantly, they + led him down the gauntlet of widened eyes. Even so, the tenth Earl of + Brinstead had dined publicly with them. More than repaid they were for the + slight the Honourable George had put upon them in the affair of the + pianoforte artist. + </p> + <p> + An hour later Belknap-Jackson had me on by telephone. His voice was not a + little worried. + </p> + <p> + “I say, is his lordship, the Earl, subject to spells of any sort? We were + in the library where I was showing him some photographic views of dear old + Boston, and right over a superb print of our public library he seemed to + lose consciousness. Might it be a stroke? Or do you think it’s just a + healthy sleep? And shall I venture to shake him? How would he take that? + Or should I merely cover him with a travelling rug? It would be so + dreadful if anything happened when he’s been with us such a little time.” + </p> + <p> + I knew his lordship. He has the gift of sleeping quite informally when his + attention is not too closely engaged. I suggested that the host set his + musical phonograph in motion on some one of the more audible selections. + As I heard no more from him that night I dare say my plan worked. + </p> + <p> + Our town, as may be imagined, buzzed with transcendent gossip on the + morrow. The <i>Recorder</i> disclosed at last that the Belknap-Jacksons of + Boston and Red Gap were quietly entertaining his lordship, the Earl of + Brinstead, though since the evening before this had been news to hardly + any one. Nor need it be said that a viciously fermenting element in the + gossip concerned the apparently cordial meeting of his lordship with the + Klondike person, an encounter that had been watched with jealous eyes by + more than one matron of the North Side set. It was even intimated that if + his lordship had come to put the creature in her place he had chosen a + curious way to set about it. + </p> + <p> + Also there were hard words uttered of the Belknap-Jacksons by Mrs. Effie, + and severe blame put upon myself because his lordship had not come out to + the Flouds’. + </p> + <p> + “But the Brinsteads have always stopped with us before,” she went about + saying, as if there had been a quite long succession of them. I mean to + say, only the Honourable George had stopped on with them, unless, indeed, + the woman actually counted me as one. Between herself and Mrs. + Belknap-Jackson, I understood, there ensued early that morning by + telephone a passage of virulent acidity, Mrs. Effie being heard by Cousin + Egbert to say bluntly that she would get even. + </p> + <p> + Undoubtedly she did not share the annoyance of the Belknap-Jacksons at + certain eccentricities now developed by his lordship which made him at + times a trying house guest. That first morning he arose at five sharp, a + custom of his which I deeply regretted not having warned his host about. + Discovering quite no one about, he had ventured abroad in search of + breakfast, finding it at length in the eating establishment known as + “Bert’s Place,” in company with engine-drivers, plate-layers, milk + persons, and others of a common sort. + </p> + <p> + Thereafter he had tramped furiously about the town and its environs for + some hours, at last encountering Cousin Egbert who escorted him to the + Floud home for his first interview with the Honourable George. The latter + received his lordship in bed, so Cousin Egbert later informed me. He had + left the two together, whereupon for an hour there were heard quite all + over the house words of the most explosive character. Cousin Egbert, much + alarmed at the passionate beginning of the interview, suspected they might + do each other a mischief, and for some moments hovered about with the aim, + if need be, of preserving human life. But as the uproar continued evenly, + he at length concluded they would do no more than talk, the outcome + proving the accuracy of his surmise. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Effie, meantime, saw her opportunity and seized it with a cool + readiness which I have often remarked in her. Belknap-Jackson, distressed + beyond measure at the strange absence of his guest, had communicated with + me by telephone several times without result. Not until near noon was I + able to give him any light. Mrs. Effie had then called me to know what his + lordship preferred for luncheon. Replying that cold beef, pickles, and + beer were his usual mid-day fancy, I hastened to allay the fears of the + Belknap-Jacksons, only to find that Mrs. Effie had been before me. + </p> + <p> + “She says,” came the annoyed voice of the host, “that the dear Earl + dropped in for a chat with his brother and has most delightfully begged + her to give him luncheon. She says he will doubtless wish to drive with + them this afternoon, but I had already planned to drive him myself—to + the country club and about. The woman is high-handed, I must say. For + God’s sake, can’t you do something?” + </p> + <p> + I was obliged to tell him straight that the thing was beyond me, though I + promised to recover his guest promptly, should any opportunity occur. The + latter did not, however, drive with the Flouds that afternoon. He was + observed walking abroad with Cousin Egbert, and it was later reported by + persons of unimpeachable veracity that they had been seen to enter the + Klondike person’s establishment. + </p> + <p> + Evening drew on without further news. But then certain elated members of + the Bohemian set made it loosely known that they were that evening to dine + informally at their leader’s house to meet his lordship. It seemed a bit + extraordinary to me, yet I could not but rejoice that he should thus adopt + the peaceful methods of diplomacy for the extrication of his brother. + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson now telephoning to know if I had heard this report—“canard” + he styled it—I confirmed it and remarked that his lordship was + undoubtedly by way of bringing strong pressure to bear on the woman. + </p> + <p> + “But I had expected him to meet a few people here this evening,” cried the + host pathetically. I was then obliged to tell him that the Brinsteads for + centuries had been bluntly averse to meeting a few people. It seemed to + run in the blood. + </p> + <p> + The Bohemian dinner, although quite informal, was said to have been highly + enjoyed by all, including the Honourable George, who was among those + present, as well as Cousin Egbert. The latter gossiped briefly of the + affair the following day. + </p> + <p> + “Sure, the Cap had a good time all right,” he said. “Of course he ain’t + the mixer the Judge is, but he livens up quite some, now and then. Talks + like a bunch of firecrackers going off all to once, don’t he? Funny guy. I + walked with him to the Jacksons’ about twelve or one. He’s going back to + Mis’ Kenner’s house today. He says it’ll take a lot of talking back and + forth to get this thing settled right, and it’s got to be right, he says. + He seen that right off.” He paused as if to meditate profoundly. + </p> + <p> + “If you was to ask me, though, I’d say she had him—just like that!” + </p> + <p> + He held an open hand toward me, then tightly clenched it. + </p> + <p> + Suspecting he might spread absurd gossip of this sort, I explained + carefully to him that his lordship had indeed at once perceived her to be + a dangerous woman; and that he was now taking his own cunning way to break + off the distressing affair between her and his brother. He listened + patiently, but seemed wedded to some monstrous view of his own. + </p> + <p> + “Them dames of that there North Side set better watch out,” he remarked + ominously. “First thing they know, what that Kate Kenner’ll hand them—they + can make a lemonade out of!” + </p> + <p> + I could make but little of this, save its general import, which was of + course quite shockingly preposterous. I found myself wishing, to be sure, + that his lordship had been able to accomplish his mission to North America + without appearing to meet the person as a social equal, as I feared indeed + that a wrong impression of his attitude would be gained by the + undiscerning public. It might have been better, I was almost quite + certain, had he adopted a stern and even brutal method at the outset, + instead of the circuitous and diplomatic. Belknap-Jackson shared this view + with me. + </p> + <p> + “I should hate dreadfully to have his lordship’s reputation suffer for + this,” he confided to me. + </p> + <p> + The first week dragged to its close in this regrettable fashion. Oftener + than not his hosts caught no glimpse of his lordship throughout the day. + The smart trap and the tandem team were constantly ready, but he had not + yet been driven abroad by his host. Each day he alleged the necessity of + conferring with the woman. + </p> + <p> + “Dangerous creature, my word! But dangerous!” he would announce. “Takes no + end of managing. Do it, though; do it proper. Take a high hand with her. + Can’t have silly old George in a mess. Own brother, what, what! Time + needed, though. Not with you at dinner, if you don’t mind. Creature has a + way of picking up things not half nasty.” + </p> + <p> + But each day Belknap-Jackson met him with pressing offers of such + entertainment as the town afforded. Three times he had been + obliged to postpone the informal evening affair for a few smart people. + Yet, though patient, he was determined. Reluctantly at last he abandoned + the design of driving his guest about in the trap, but he insistently put + forward the motor-car. He would drive it himself. They would spend + pleasant hours going about the country. His lordship continued elusive. To + myself he confided that his host was a nagger. + </p> + <p> + “Awfully nagging sort, yes. Doesn’t know the strain I’m under getting this + silly affair straight. Country interesting no doubt, what, what! But, my + word! saw nothing but country coming out. Country quite all about, miles + and miles both sides of the metals. Seen enough country. Seen motor-cars, + too, my word. Enough of both, what, what!” + </p> + <p> + Yet it seemed that on the Saturday after his arrival he could no longer + decently put off his insistent host. He consented to accompany him in the + motor-car. Rotten judging it was on the part of Belknap-Jackson. He should + have listened to me. They departed after luncheon, the host at the wheel. + I had his account of such following events as I did not myself observe. + </p> + <p> + “Our country club,” he observed early in the drive. “No one there, of + course. You’d never believe the trouble I’ve had——” + </p> + <p> + “Jolly good club,” replied his lordship. “Drive back that way.” + </p> + <p> + “Back that way,” it appeared, would take them by the detached villa of the + Klondike person. + </p> + <p> + “Stop here,” directed his lordship. “Shan’t detain you a moment.” + </p> + <p> + This was at two-thirty of a fair afternoon. I am able to give but the bare + facts, yet I must assume that the emotions of Belknap-Jackson as he waited + there during the ensuing two hours were of a quite distressing nature. As + much was intimated by several observant townspeople who passed him. He was + said to be distrait; to be smoking his cigarettes furiously. + </p> + <p> + At four-thirty his lordship reappeared. With apparent solicitude he + escorted the Klondike person, fetchingly gowned in a street costume of the + latest mode. They chatted gayly to the car. + </p> + <p> + “Hope I’ve not kept you waiting, old chap,” said his lordship genially. + “Time slips by one so. You two met, of course, course!” He bestowed his + companion in the tonneau and ensconced himself beside her. + </p> + <p> + “Drive,” said he, “to your goods shops, draper’s, chemist’s—where + was it?” + </p> + <p> + “To the Central Market,” responded the lady in bell-like tones, “then to + the Red Front store, and to that dear little Japanese shop, if he doesn’t + mind.” + </p> + <p> + “Mind! Mind! Course not, course not! Are you warm? Let me fasten the + robe.” + </p> + <p> + I confess to have felt a horrid fascination for this moment as I was able + to reconstruct it from Belknap-Jackson’s impassioned words. It was by way + of being one of those scenes we properly loathe yet morbidly cannot resist + overlooking if opportunity offers. + </p> + <p> + Into the flood tide of our Saturday shopping throng swept the car and its + remarkably assembled occupants. The street fair gasped. The woman’s former + parade of the Honourable George had been as nothing to this exposure. + </p> + <p> + “Poor Jackson’s face was a study,” declared the Mixer to me later. + </p> + <p> + I dare say. It was still a study when my own turn came to observe it. The + car halted before the shops that had been designated. The Klondike person + dispatched her commissions in a superbly leisured manner, attentively + accompanied by the Earl of Brinstead bearing packages for her. + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson, at the wheel, stared straight ahead. I am told he bore + himself with dignity even when some of our more ingenuous citizens paused + to converse with him concerning his new motor-car. He is even said to have + managed a smile when his passengers returned. + </p> + <p> + “I have it,” exclaimed his lordship now. “Deuced good plan—go to + that Ruggles place for a jolly fat tea. No end of a spree, what, what!” + </p> + <p> + It is said that on three occasions in turning his car and traversing the + short block to the Grill the owner escaped disastrous collision with other + vehicles only by the narrowest possible margin. He may have courted + something of the sort. I dare say he was desperate. + </p> + <p> + “Join us, of course!” said his lordship, as he assisted his companion to + alight. Again I am told the host managed to illumine his refusal with a + smile. He would take no tea—the doctor’s orders. + </p> + <p> + The surprising pair entered at the height of my tea-hour and were served + to an accompaniment of stares from the ladies present. To this they + appeared oblivious, being intent upon their conference. His lordship was + amiable to a degree. It now occurred to me that he had found the woman + even more dangerous than he had at first supposed. He was being forced to + play a deep game with her and was meeting guile with guile. He had, I + suspected, found his poor brother far deeper in than any of us had + thought. Doubtless he had written compromising letters that must be + secured—letters she would hold at a price. + </p> + <p> + And yet I had never before had excuse to believe his lordship possessed + the diplomatic temperament. I reflected that I must always have misread + him. He was deep, after all. Not until the two left did I learn that + Belknap-Jackson awaited them with his car. He loitered about in adjacent + doorways, quite like a hired fellow. He was passionately smoking more + cigarettes than were good for him. + </p> + <p> + I escorted my guests to the car. Belknap-Jackson took his seat with but + one glance at me, yet it was eloquent of all the ignominy that had been + heaped upon him. + </p> + <p> + “Home, I think,” said the lady when they were well seated. She said it + charmingly. + </p> + <p> + “Home,” repeated his lordship. “Are you quite protected by the robe?” + </p> + <p> + An incautious pedestrian at the next crossing narrowly escaped being run + down. He shook a fist at the vanishing car and uttered a stream of oaths + so vile that he would instantly have been taken up in any well-policed + city. + </p> + <p> + Half an hour later Belknap-Jackson called me. + </p> + <p> + “He got out with that fiend! He’s staying on there. But, my God! can + nothing be done?” + </p> + <p> + “His lordship is playing a most desperate game,” I hastened to assure him. + “He’s meeting difficulties. She must have her dupe’s letters in her + possession. Blackmail, I dare say. Best leave his lordship free. He’s a + deep character.” + </p> + <p> + “He presumed far this afternoon—only the man’s position saved him + with me!” His voice seemed choked with anger. Then, remotely, faint as + distant cannonading, a rumble reached me. It was hoarse laughter of the + Mixer, perhaps in another room. The electric telephone has been perfected + in the States to a marvellous delicacy of response. + </p> + <p> + I now found myself observing Mrs. Effie, who had been among the absorbed + onlookers while the pair were at their tea, she having occupied a table + with Mrs. Judge Ballard and Mrs. Dr. Martingale. Deeply immersed in + thought she had been, scarce replying to her companions. Her eyes had + narrowed in a way I well knew when she reviewed the social field. + </p> + <p> + Still absorbed she was when Cousin Egbert entered, accompanied by the + Honourable George. The latter had seen but little of his brother since + their first stormy interview, but he had also seen little of the Klondike + woman. His spirits, however, had seemed quite undashed. He rarely missed + his tea. Now as they seated themselves they were joined quickly by Mrs. + Effie, who engaged her relative in earnest converse. It was easy to see + that she begged a favour. She kept a hand on his arm. She urged. + Presently, seeming to have achieved her purpose, she left them, and I + paused to greet the pair. + </p> + <p> + “I guess that there Mrs. Effie is awful silly,” remarked Cousin Egbert + enigmatically. “No, sir; she can’t ever tell how the cat is going to + jump.” Nor would he say more, though he most elatedly held a secret. + </p> + <p> + With this circumstance I connected the announcement in Monday’s <i>Recorder</i> + that Mrs. Senator Floud would on that evening entertain at dinner the + members of Red Gap’s Bohemian set, including Mrs. Kate Kenner, the guest + of honour being his lordship the Earl of Brinstead, “at present visiting + in this city. Covers,” it added, “would be laid for fourteen.” I saw that + Cousin Egbert would have been made the ambassador to conduct what must + have been a business of some delicacy. + </p> + <p> + Among the members of the North Side set the report occasioned the wildest + alarm. And yet so staunch were known to be the principles of Mrs. Effie + that but few accused her of downright treachery. It seemed to be felt that + she was but lending herself to the furtherance of some deep design of his + lordship’s. Blackmail, the recovery of compromising letters, the avoidance + of legal proceedings—these were hinted at. For myself I suspected + that she had merely misconstrued the seeming cordiality of his lordship + toward the woman and, at the expense of the Belknap-Jacksons, had sought + the honour of entertaining him. If, to do that, she must entertain the + woman, well and good. She was not one to funk her fences with the game in + sight. + </p> + <p> + Consulting me as to the menu for her dinner, she allowed herself to be + persuaded to the vegetable soup, boiled mutton, thick pudding, and cheese + which I recommended, though she pleaded at length for a chance to use the + new fish set and for a complicated salad portrayed in her latest woman’s + magazine. Covered with grated nuts it was in the illustration. I was able, + however, to convince her that his lordship would regard grated nuts as + silly. + </p> + <p> + From Belknap-Jackson I learned by telephone (during these days, being + sensitive, he stopped in almost quite continuously) that Mrs. Effie had + profusely explained to his wife about the dinner. “Of course, my dear, I + couldn’t have the presumption to ask you and your husband to sit at table + with the creature, even if he did think it all right to drive her about + town on a shopping trip. But I thought we ought to do something to make + the dear Earl’s visit one to be remembered—he’s <i>so</i> + appreciative! I’m sure you understand just how things are——” + </p> + <p> + In reciting this speech to me Belknap-Jackson essayed to simulate the tone + and excessive manner of a woman gushing falsely. The fellow was quite + bitter about it. + </p> + <p> + “I sometimes think I’ll give up,” he concluded. “God only knows what + things are coming to!” + </p> + <p> + It began to seem even to me that they were coming a bit thick. But I knew + that his lordship was a determined man. He was of the bulldog breed that + has made old England what it is. I mean to say, I knew he would put the + woman in her place. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER NINETEEN + </h2> + <p> + Echoes of the Monday night dinner reached me the following day. The affair + had passed off pleasantly enough, the members of the Bohemian set + conducting themselves quite as persons who mattered, with the exception of + the Klondike woman herself, who, I gathered, had descended to a mood of + most indecorous liveliness considering who the guest of honour was. She + had not only played and sung those noisy native folksongs of hers, but she + had, it seemed, conducted herself with a certain facetious familiarity + toward his lordship. + </p> + <p> + “Every now and then,” said Cousin Egbert, my principal informant, “she’d + whirl in and josh the Cap all over the place about them funny whiskers he + wears. She told him out and out he’d just got to lose them.” + </p> + <p> + “Shocking rudeness!” I exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, sure, sure!” he agreed, yet without indignation. “And the Cap just + hated her for it—you could tell that by the way he looked at her. + Oh, he hates her something terrible. He just can’t bear the sight of her.” + </p> + <p> + “Naturally enough,” I observed, though there had been an undercurrent to + his speech that I thought almost quite a little odd. His accents were + queerly placed. Had I not known him too well I should have thought him + trying to be deep. I recalled his other phrases, that Mrs. Effie was + seeing which way a cat would leap, and that the Klondike person would hand + the ladies of the North Side set a lemon squash. I put them all down as + childish prattle and said as much to the Mixer later in the day as she had + a dish of tea at the Grill. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, Sour-dough’s right,” she observed. “That Earl just hates the sight + of her—can’t bear to look at her a minute.” But she, too, intoned + the thing queerly. + </p> + <p> + “He’s putting pressure to bear on her,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “Pressure!” said the Mixer; and then, “Hum!” very dryly. + </p> + <p> + With this news, however, it was plain as a pillar-box that things were + going badly with his lordship’s effort to release the Honourable George + from his entanglement. The woman, doubtless with his compromising letters, + would be holding out for a stiffish price; she would think them worth no + end. And plainly again, his lordship had thrown off his mask; was unable + longer to conceal his aversion for her. This, to be sure, was more in + accordance with his character as I had long observed it. If he hated her + it was like him to show it when he looked at her. I mean he was quite like + that with almost any one. I hoped, however, that diplomacy might still + save us all sorts of a nasty row. + </p> + <p> + To my relief when the pair appeared for tea that afternoon—a sight + no longer causing the least sensation—I saw that his lordship must + have returned to his first or diplomatic manner. Doubtless he still hated + her, but one would little have suspected it from his manner of looking at + her. I mean to say, he looked at her another way. The opposite way, in + fact. He was being subtle in the extreme. I fancied it must have been her + wretched levity regarding his beard that had goaded him into the + exhibitions of hatred noted by Cousin Egbert and the Mixer. Unquestionably + his lordship may be goaded in no time if one deliberately sets about it. + At the time, doubtless, he had sliced a drive or two, as one might say, + but now he was back in form. + </p> + <p> + Again I confess I was not a little sorry for the creature, seeing her + there so smartly taken in by his effusive manner. He was having her on in + the most obvious way and she, poor dupe, taking it all quite seriously. + Prime it was, though, considering the creature’s designs; and I again + marvelled that in all the years of my association with his lordship I had + never suspected what a topping sort he could be at this game. His mask was + now perfect. It recalled, indeed, Cousin Egbert’s simple but telling + phrase about the Honourable George—“He looks at her!” It could now + have been said of his lordship with the utmost significance to any but + those in the know. + </p> + <p> + And so began, quite as had the first, the second week of his lordship’s + stay among us. Knowing he had booked a return from Cooks, I fancied that + results of some sort must soon ensue. The pressure he was putting on the + woman must begin to tell. And this was the extreme of the encouragement I + was able to offer the Belknap-Jacksons. Both he and his wife were of + course in a bit of a state. Nor could I blame them. With an Earl for house + guest they must be content with but a glimpse of him at odd moments. + Rather a barren honour they were finding it. + </p> + <p> + His lordship’s conferences with the woman were unabated. When not secluded + with her at her own establishment he would be abroad with her in her trap + or in the car of Belknap-Jackson. The owner, however, no longer drove his + car. He had never taken another chance. And well I knew these activities + of his lordship’s were being basely misconstrued by the gossips. + </p> + <p> + “The Cap is certainly some queener,” remarked Cousin Egbert, which perhaps + reflected the view of the deceived public at this time, the curious term + implying that his lordship was by way of being a bit of a dog. But calm I + remained under these aspersions, counting upon a clean-cut vindication of + his lordship’s methods when he should have got the woman where he wished + her. + </p> + <p> + I remained, I repeat, serenely confident that a signal triumph would + presently crown his lordship’s subtly planned attack. And then, at + midweek, I was rudely shocked to the suspicion that all might not be going + well with his plan. I had not seen the pair for a day, and when they did + appear for their tea I instantly detected a profound change in their + mutual bearing. His lordship still looked at the woman, but the raillery + of their past meetings had gone. Too plainly something momentous had + occurred. Even the woman was serious. Had they fought to the last stand? + Would she have been too much for him? I mean to say, was the Honourable + George cooked? + </p> + <p> + I now recalled that I had observed an almost similar change in the + latter’s manner. His face wore a look of wildest gloom that might have + been mitigated perhaps by a proper trimming of his beard, but even then it + would have been remarked by those who knew him well. I divined, I repeat, + that something momentous had now occurred and that the Honourable George + was one not least affected by it. + </p> + <p> + Rather a sleepless night I passed, wondering fearfully if, after all, his + lordship would have been unable to extricate the poor chap from this + sordid entanglement. Had the creature held out for too much? Had she + refused to compromise? Would there be one of those appalling legal things + which our best families so often suffer? What if the victim were to cut + off home? + </p> + <p> + Nor was my trepidation allayed by the cryptic remark of Mrs. Judson as I + passed her at her tasks in the pantry that morning: + </p> + <p> + “A prince in his palace not too good—that’s what I said!” + </p> + <p> + She shot the thing at me with a manner suspiciously near to flippancy. I + sternly demanded her meaning. + </p> + <p> + “I mean what I mean,” she retorted, shutting her lips upon it in a + definite way she has. Well enough I knew the import of her uncivil speech, + but I resolved not to bandy words with her, because in my position it + would be undignified; because, further, of an unfortunate effect she has + upon my temper at such times. + </p> + <p> + “She’s being terrible careful about <i>her</i> associates,” she presently + went on, with a most irritating effect of addressing only herself; + “nothing at all but just dukes and earls and lords day in and day out!” + Too often when the woman seems to wish it she contrives to get me in + motion, as the American saying is. + </p> + <p> + “And it is deeply to be regretted,” I replied with dignity, “that other + persons must say less of themselves if put to it.” + </p> + <p> + Well she knew what I meant. Despite my previous clear warning, she had + more than once accepted small gifts from the cattle-persons, Hank and + Buck, and had even been seen brazenly in public with them at a cinema + palace. One of a more suspicious nature than I might have guessed that she + conducted herself thus for the specific purpose of enraging me, but I am + glad to say that no nature could be more free than mine from vulgar + jealousy, and I spoke now from the mere wish that she should more + carefully guard her reputation. As before, she exhibited a surprising + meekness under this rebuke, though I uneasily wondered if there might not + be guile beneath it. + </p> + <p> + “Can I help it,” she asked, “if they like to show me attentions? I guess + I’m a free woman.” She lifted her head to observe a glass she had + polished. Her eyes were curiously lighted. She had this way of + embarrassing me. And invariably, moreover, she aroused all that is evil in + my nature against the two cattle-persons, especially the Buck one, + actually on another occasion professing admiration for “his wavy chestnut + hair!” I saw now that I could not trust myself to speak of the fellow. I + took up another matter. + </p> + <p> + “That baby of yours is too horribly fat,” I said suddenly. I had long + meant to put this to her. “It’s too fat. It eats too much!” + </p> + <p> + To my amazement the creature was transformed into a vixen. + </p> + <p> + “It—it! Too fat! You call my boy ‘it’ and say he’s too fat! Don’t + you dare! What does a creature like you know of babies? Why, you wouldn’t + even know——” + </p> + <p> + But the thing was too painful. Let her angry words be forgotten. Suffice + to say, she permitted herself to cry out things that might have given + grave offence to one less certain of himself than I. Rather chilled I + admit I was by her frenzied outburst. I was shrewd enough to see instantly + that anything in the nature of a criticism of her offspring must be led up + to, rather; perhaps couched in less direct phrases than I had chosen. + Fearful I was that she would burst into another torrent of rage, but to my + amazement she all at once smiled. + </p> + <p> + “What a fool I am!” she exclaimed. “Kidding me, were you? Trying to make + me mad about the baby. Well, I’ll give you good. You did it. Yes, sir, I + never would have thought you had a kidding streak in you—old + glum-face!” + </p> + <p> + “Little you know me,” I retorted, and quickly withdrew, for I was then + more embarrassed than ever, and, besides, there were other and graver + matters forward to depress and occupy me. + </p> + <p> + In my fitful sleep of the night before I had dreamed vividly that I saw + the Honourable George being dragged shackled to the altar. I trust I am + not superstitious, but the vision had remained with me in all its + tormenting detail. A veiled woman had grimly awaited him as he struggled + with his uniformed captors. I mean to say, he was being hustled along by + two constables. + </p> + <p> + That day, let me now put down, was to be a day of the most fearful shocks + that a man of rather sensitive nervous organism has ever been called upon + to endure. There are now lines in my face that I make no doubt showed then + for the first time. + </p> + <p> + And it was a day that dragged interminably, so that I became fair off my + head with the suspense of it, feeling that at any moment the worst might + happen. For hours I saw no one with whom I could consult. Once I was + almost moved to call up Belknap-Jackson, so intolerable was the menacing + uncertainty; but this I knew bordered on hysteria, and I restrained the + impulse with an iron will. + </p> + <p> + But I wretchedly longed for a sight of Cousin Egbert or the Mixer, or even + of the Honourable George; some one to assure me that my horrid dream of + the night before had been a baseless fabric, as the saying is. The very + absence of these people and of his lordship was in itself ominous. + </p> + <p> + Nervously I kept to a post at one of my windows where I could survey the + street. And here at mid-day I sustained my first shock. Terrific it was. + His lordship had emerged from the chemist’s across the street. He paused a + moment, as if to recall his next mission, then walked briskly off. And + this is what I had been stupefied to note: he was clean shaven! The + Brinstead side-whiskers were gone! Whiskers that had been worn in + precisely that fashion by a tremendous line of the Earls of Brinstead! And + the tenth of his line had abandoned them. As well, I thought, could he + have defaced the Brinstead arms. + </p> + <p> + It was plain as a pillar-box, indeed. The woman had our family at her + mercy, and she would show no mercy. My heart sank as I pictured the + Honourable George in her toils. My dream had been prophetic. Then I + reflected that this very circumstance of his lordship’s having pandered to + her lawless whim about his beard would go to show he had not yet given up + the fight. If the thing were hopeless I knew he would have seen her—dashed—before + he would have relinquished it. There plainly was still hope for poor + George. Indeed his lordship might well have planned some splendid coup; + this defacement would be a part of his strategy, suffered in anguish for + his ultimate triumph. Quite cheered I became at the thought. I still + scanned the street crowd for some one who could acquaint me with + developments I must have missed. + </p> + <p> + But then a moment later came the call by telephone of Belknap-Jackson. I + answered it, though with little hope than to hear more of his unending + complaints about his lordship’s negligence. Startled instantly I was, + however, for his voice was stranger than I had known it even in moments of + his acutest distress. Hoarse it was, and his words alarming but hardly + intelligible. + </p> + <p> + “Heard?—My God!—Heard?—My God!—Marriage! Marriage! + God!” But here he broke off into the most appalling laughter—the + blood-curdling laughter of a chained patient in a mad-house. Hardly could + I endure it and grateful I was when I heard the line close. Even when he + attempted vocables he had sounded quite like an inferior record on a + phonographic machine. But I had heard enough to leave me aghast. Beyond + doubt now the very worst had come upon our family. His lordship’s + tremendous sacrifice would have been all in vain. Marriage! The Honourable + George was done for. Better had it been the typing-girl, I bitterly + reflected. Her father had at least been a curate! + </p> + <p> + Thankful enough I now was for the luncheon-hour rush: I could distract + myself from the appalling disaster. That day I took rather more than my + accustomed charge of the serving. I chatted with our business chaps, + recommending the joint in the highest terms; drawing corks; seeing that + the relish was abundantly stocked at every table. I was striving to + forget. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Judson alone persisted in reminding me of the impending scandal. “A + prince in his palace,” she would maliciously murmur as I encountered her. + I think she must have observed that I was bitter, for she at last spoke + quite amiably of our morning’s dust-up. + </p> + <p> + “You certainly got my goat,” she said in the quaint American fashion, + “telling me little No-no was too fat. You had me going there for a minute, + thinking you meant it!” + </p> + <p> + The creature’s name was Albert, yet she persisted in calling it “No-no,” + because the child itself would thus falsely declare its name upon being + questioned, having in some strange manner gained this impression. It was + another matter I meant to bring to her attention, but at this crisis I had + no heart for it. + </p> + <p> + My crowd left. I was again alone to muse bitterly upon our plight. Still I + scanned the street, hoping for a sight of Cousin Egbert, who, I fancied, + would be informed as to the wretched details. Instead, now, I saw the + Honourable George. He walked on the opposite side of the thoroughfare, his + manner of dejection precisely what I should have expected. Followed + closely as usual he was by the Judson cur. A spirit of desperate mockery + seized me. I called to Mrs. Judson, who was gathering glasses from a + table. I indicated the pair. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Barker,” I said, “is dogging his footsteps.” I mean to say, I uttered + the words in the most solemn manner. Little the woman knew that one may + often be moved in the most distressing moments to a jest of this sort. She + laughed heartily, being of quick discernment. And thus jauntily did I + carry my knowledge of the lowering cloud. But I permitted myself no + further sallies of that sort. I stayed expectantly by the window, and I + dare say my bearing would have deceived the most alert. I was steadily + calm. The situation called precisely for that. + </p> + <p> + The hours sped darkly and my fears mounted. In sheer desperation, at + length, I had myself put through to Belknap-Jackson. To my astonishment he + seemed quite revived, though in a state of feverish gayety. He fair + bubbled. + </p> + <p> + “Just leaving this moment with his lordship to gather up some friends. We + meet at your place. Yes, yes—all the uncertainty is past. Better set + up that largest table—rather a celebration.” + </p> + <p> + Almost more confusing it was than his former message, which had been + confined to calls upon his Maker and to maniac laughter. Was he, I + wondered, merely making the best of it? Had he resolved to be a dead + sportsman? A few moments later he discharged his lordship at my door and + drove rapidly on. (Only a question of time it is when he will be had + heavily for damages due to his reckless driving.) + </p> + <p> + His lordship bustled in with a cheerfulness that staggered me. He, too, + was gay; almost debonair. A gardenia was in his lapel. He was vogue to the + last detail in a form-fitting gray morning-suit that had all the style + essentials. Almost it seemed as if three valets had been needed to groom + him. He briskly rubbed his hands. + </p> + <p> + “Biggest table—people. Tea, that sort of thing. Have a go of + champagne, too, what, what! Beard off, much younger appearing? Of course, + course! Trust women, those matters. Tea cake, toast, crumpets, marmalade—things + like that. Plenty champagne! Not happen every day! Ha! ha!” + </p> + <p> + To my acute distress he here thumbed me in the ribs and laughed again. Was + he, too, I wondered, madly resolved to be a dead sportsman in the face of + the unavoidable? I sought to edge in a discreet word of condolence, for I + knew that between us there need be no pretence. + </p> + <p> + “I know you did your best, sir,” I observed. “And I was never quite free + of a fear that the woman would prove too many for us. I trust the + Honourable George——” + </p> + <p> + But I had said as much as he would let me. He interrupted me with his + thumb again, and on his face was what in a lesser person I should + unhesitatingly have called a leer. + </p> + <p> + “You dog, you! Woman prove too many for us, what, what! Dare say you knew + what to expect. Silly old George! Though how she could ever have fancied + the juggins——” + </p> + <p> + I was about to remark that the creature had of course played her game from + entirely sordid motives and I should doubtless have ventured to applaud + the game spirit in which he was taking the blow. But before I could shape + my phrases on this delicate ground Mrs. Effie, the Senator, and Cousin + Egbert arrived. They somewhat formally had the air of being expected. All + of them rushed upon his lordship with an excessive manner. Apparently they + were all to be dead sportsmen together. And then Mrs. Effie called me + aside. + </p> + <p> + “You can do me a favour,” she began. “About the wedding breakfast and + reception. Dear Kate’s place is so small. It wouldn’t do. There will be a + crush, of course. I’ve had the loveliest idea for it—our own house. + You know how delighted we’d be. The Earl has been so charming and + everything has turned out so splendidly. Oh, I’d love to do them this + little parting kindness. Use your influence like a good fellow, won’t you, + when the thing is suggested?” + </p> + <p> + “Only too gladly,” I responded, sick at heart, and she returned to the + group. Well I knew her motive. She was by way of getting even with the + Belknap-Jacksons. As Cousin Egbert in his American fashion would put it, + she was trying to pass them a bison. But I was willing enough she should + house the dreadful affair. The more private the better, thought I. + </p> + <p> + A moment later Belknap-Jackson’s car appeared at my door, now discharging + the Klondike woman, effusively escorted by the Mixer and by Mrs. + Belknap-Jackson. The latter at least, I had thought, would show more + principle. But she had buckled atrociously, quite as had her husband, who + had quickly, almost merrily, followed them. There was increased gayety as + they seated themselves about the large table, a silly noise of pretended + felicitation over a calamity that not even the tenth Earl of Brinstead had + been able to avert. And then Belknap-Jackson beckoned me aside. + </p> + <p> + “I want your help, old chap, in case it’s needed,” he began. + </p> + <p> + “The wedding breakfast and reception?” I said quite cynically. + </p> + <p> + “You’ve thought of it? Good! Her own place is far too small. Crowd, of + course. And it’s rather proper at our place, too, his lordship having been + our house guest. You see? Use what influence you have. The affair will be + rather widely commented on—even the New York papers, I dare say.” + </p> + <p> + “Count upon me,” I answered blandly, even as I had promised Mrs. Effie. + Disgusted I was. Let them maul each other about over the wretched + “honour.” They could all be dead sports if they chose, but I was now + firmly resolved that for myself I should make not a bit of pretence. The + creature might trick poor George into a marriage, but I for one would not + affect to regard it as other than a blight upon our house. I was just on + the point of hoping that the victim himself might have cut off to unknown + parts when I saw him enter. By the other members of the party he was + hailed with cries of delight, though his own air was finely honest, being + dejected in the extreme. He was dressed as regrettably as usual, this time + in parts of two lounge-suits. + </p> + <p> + As he joined those at the table I constrained myself to serve the + champagne. Senator Floud arose with a brimming glass. + </p> + <p> + “My friends,” he began in his public-speaking manner, “let us remember + that Red Gap’s loss is England’s gain—to the future Countess of + Brinstead!” + </p> + <p> + To my astonishment this appalling breach of good taste was received with + the loudest applause, nor was his lordship the least clamorous of them. I + mean to say, the chap had as good as wished that his lordship would + directly pop off. It was beyond me. I walked to the farthest window and + stood a long time gazing pensively out; I wished to be away from that + false show. But they noticed my absence at length and called to me. + Monstrously I was desired to drink to the happiness of the groom. I + thought they were pressing me too far, but as they quite gabbled now with + their tea and things, I hoped to pass it off. The Senator, however, seemed + to fasten me with his eye as he proposed the toast—“To the happy + man!” + </p> + <p> + I drank perforce. + </p> + <p> + “A body would think Bill was drinking to the Judge,” remarked Cousin + Egbert in a high voice. + </p> + <p> + “Eh?” I said, startled to this outburst by his strange words. + </p> + <p> + “Good old George!” exclaimed his lordship. “Owe it all to the old juggins, + what, what!” + </p> + <p> + The Klondike person spoke. I heard her voice as a bell pealing through + breakers at sea. I mean to say, I was now fair dazed. + </p> + <p> + “Not to old George,” said she. “To old Ruggles!” + </p> + <p> + “To old Ruggles!” promptly cried the Senator, and they drank. + </p> + <p> + Muddled indeed I was. Again in my eventful career I felt myself tremble; I + knew not what I should say, any <i>savoir faire</i> being quite gone. I + had received a crumpler of some sort—but what <i>sort?</i> + </p> + <p> + My sleeve was touched. I turned blindly, as in a nightmare. The Hobbs cub + who was my vestiare was handing me our evening paper. I took it from him, + staring—staring until my knees grew weak. Across the page in clarion + type rang the unbelievable words: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + BRITISH PEER WINS AMERICAN BRIDE + + His Lordship Tenth Earl of Brinstead to Wed One of Red Gap’s + Fairest Daughters +</pre> + <p> + My hands so shook that in quick subterfuge I dropped the sheet, then + stooped for it, trusting to control myself before I again raised my face. + Mercifully the others were diverted by the journal. It was seized from me, + passed from hand to hand, the incredible words read aloud by each in turn. + They jested of it! + </p> + <p> + “Amazing chaps, your pressmen!” Thus the tenth Earl of Brinstead, while I + pinched myself viciously to bring back my lost aplomb. “Speedy beggars, + what, what! Never knew it myself till last night. She would and she + wouldn’t.” + </p> + <p> + “I think you knew,” said the lady. Stricken as I was I noted that she eyed + him rather strangely, quite as if she felt some decent respect for him. + </p> + <p> + “Marriage is serious,” boomed the Mixer. + </p> + <p> + “Don’t blame her, don’t blame her—swear I don’t!” returned his + lordship. “Few days to think it over—quite right, quite right. Got + to know their own minds, my word!” + </p> + <p> + While their attention was thus mercifully diverted from me, my own world + by painful degrees resumed its stability. I mean to say, I am not the + fainting sort, but if I were, then I should have keeled over at my first + sight of that journal. But now I merely recovered my glass of champagne + and drained it. Rather pigged it a bit, I fancy. Badly needing a stimulant + I was, to be sure. + </p> + <p> + They now discussed details: the ceremony—that sort of thing. + </p> + <p> + “Before a registrar, quickest way,” said his lordship. + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense! Church, of course!” rumbled the Mixer very arbitrarily. + </p> + <p> + “Quite so, then,” assented his lordship. “Get me the rector of the parish—a + vicar, a curate, something of that sort.” + </p> + <p> + “Then the breakfast and reception,” suggested Mrs. Effie with a meaning + glance at me before she turned to the lady. “Of course, dearest, your own + tiny nest would never hold your host of friends——” + </p> + <p> + “I’ve never noticed,” said the other quickly. “It’s always seemed big + enough,” she added in pensive tones and with downcast eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, not large enough by half,” put in Belknap-Jackson, “Most charming + little home-nook but worlds too small for all your well-wishers.” With a + glance at me he narrowed his eyes in friendly calculation. “I’m somewhat + puzzled myself—Suppose we see what the capable Ruggles has to + suggest.” + </p> + <p> + “Let Ruggles suggest something by all means!” cried Mrs. Effie. + </p> + <p> + I mean to say, they both quite thought they knew what I would suggest, but + it was nothing of the sort. The situation had entirely changed. Quite + another sort of thing it was. Quickly I resolved to fling them both aside. + I, too, would be a dead sportsman. + </p> + <p> + “I was about to suggest,” I remarked, “that my place here is the only one + at all suitable for the breakfast and reception. I can promise that the + affair will go off smartly.” + </p> + <p> + The two had looked up with such radiant expectation at my opening words + and were so plainly in a state at my conclusion that I dare say the future + Countess of Brinstead at once knew what. She flashed them a look, then + eyed me with quick understanding. + </p> + <p> + “Great!” she exclaimed in a hearty American manner. “Then that’s settled,” + she continued briskly, as both Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. Effie would have + interposed “Ruggles shall do everything: take it off our shoulders—ices, + flowers, invitations.” + </p> + <p> + “The invitation list will need great care, of course,” remarked + Belknap-Jackson with a quite savage glance at me. + </p> + <p> + “But you just called him ‘the capable Ruggles,’” insisted the fiancée. “We + shall leave it all to him. How many will you ask, Ruggles?” Her eyes + flicked from mine to Belknap-Jackson. + </p> + <p> + “Quite almost every one,” I answered firmly. + </p> + <p> + “Fine!” she said. + </p> + <p> + “Ripping!” said his lordship. + </p> + <p> + “His lordship will of course wish a best man,” suggested Belknap-Jackson. + “I should be only too glad——” + </p> + <p> + “You’re going to suggest Ruggles again!” cried the lady. “Just the man for + it! You’re quite right. Why, we owe it all to Ruggles, don’t we?” + </p> + <p> + She here beamed upon his lordship. Belknap-Jackson wore an expression of + the keenest disrelish. + </p> + <p> + “Of course, course!” replied his lordship. “Dashed good man, Ruggles! Owe + it all to him, what, what!” + </p> + <p> + I fancy in the cordial excitement of the moment he was quite sincere. As + to her ladyship, I am to this day unable to still a faint suspicion that + she was having me on. True, she owed it all to me. But I hadn’t a bit + meant it and well she knew it. Subtle she was, I dare say, but bore me no + malice, though she was not above setting Belknap-Jackson back a pace or + two each time he moved up. + </p> + <p> + A final toast was drunk and my guests drifted out. Belknap-Jackson again + glared savagely at me as he went, but Mrs. Effie rather outglared him. + Even I should hardly have cared to face her at that moment. + </p> + <p> + And I was still in a high state of muddle. It was all beyond me. Had his + lordship, I wondered, too seriously taken my careless words about American + equality? Of course I had meant them to apply only to those stopping on in + the States. + </p> + <p> + Cousin Egbert lingered to the last, rather with a troubled air of wishing + to consult me. When I at length came up with him he held the journal + before me, indicating lines in the article—“relict of an Alaskan + capitalist, now for some years one of Red Gap’s social favourites.” + </p> + <p> + “Read that there,” he commanded grimly. Then with a terrific earnestness I + had never before remarked in him: “Say, listen here! I better go round + right off and mix it up with that fresh guy. What’s he hinting around at + by that there word ‘relict’? Why, say, she was married to him——” + </p> + <p> + I hastily corrected his preposterous interpretation of the word, much to + his relief. + </p> + <p> + I was still in my precious state of muddle. Mrs. Judson took occasion to + flounce by me in her work of clearing the table. + </p> + <p> + “A prince in his palace,” she taunted. I laughed in a lofty manner. + </p> + <p> + “Why, you poor thing, I’ve known it all for some days,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I must say you’re the deep one if you did—never letting on!” + </p> + <p> + She was unable to repress a glance of admiration at me as she moved off. + </p> + <p> + I stood where she had left me, meditating profoundly. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER TWENTY + </h2> + <p> + Two days later at high noon was solemnized the marriage of his lordship to + the woman who, without a bit meaning it, I had so curiously caused to + enter his life. The day was for myself so crowded with emotions that it + returns in rather a jumble: patches of incidents, little floating clouds + of memory; some meaningless and one at least to be significant to my last + day. + </p> + <p> + The ceremony was had in our most nearly smart church. It was only a + Methodist church, but I took pains to assure myself that a ceremony + performed by its curate would be legal. I still seem to hear the organ, + strains of “The Voice That Breathed Through Eden,” as we neared the altar; + also the Mixer’s rumbling whisper about a lost handkerchief which she + apparently found herself needing at that moment. + </p> + <p> + The responses of bride and groom were unhesitating, even firm. Her + ladyship, I thought, had never appeared to better advantage than in the + pearl-tinted lustreless going-away gown she had chosen. As always, she had + finely known what to put on her head. + </p> + <p> + Senator Floud, despite Belknap-Jackson’s suggestion of himself for the + office, had been selected to give away the bride, as the saying is. He + performed his function with dignity, though I recall being seized with + horror when the moment came; almost certain I am he restrained himself + with difficulty from making a sort of a speech. + </p> + <p> + The church was thronged. I had seen to that. I had told her ladyship that + I should ask quite almost every one, and this I had done, squarely in the + face of Belknap-Jackson’s pleading that discretion be used. For a great + white light, as one might say, had now suffused me. I had seen that the + moment was come when the warring factions of Red Gap should be reunited. A + Bismarck I felt myself, indeed. That I acted ably was later to be seen. + </p> + <p> + Even for the wedding breakfast, which occurred directly after the + ceremony, I had shown myself a dictator in the matter of guests. Covers + were laid in my room for seventy and among these were included not only + the members of the North Side set and the entire Bohemian set, but many + worthy persons not hitherto socially existent yet who had been friends or + well-wishers of the bride. + </p> + <p> + I am persuaded to confess that in a few of these instances I was not above + a snarky little wish to correct the social horizon of Belknap-Jackson; to + make it more broadly accord, as I may say, with the spirit of American + equality for which their forefathers bled and died on the battlefields of + Boston, New York, and Vicksburg. + </p> + <p> + Not the least of my reward, then, was to see his eyebrows more than once + eloquently raise, as when the cattle-persons, Hank and Buck, appeared in + suits of decent black, or when the driver chap Pierce entered with his + quite obscure mother on his arm, or a few other cattle and horse persons + with whom the Honourable George had palled up during his process of going + in for America. + </p> + <p> + This laxity I felt that the Earl of Brinstead and his bride could amply + afford, while for myself I had soundly determined that Red Gap should + henceforth be without “sets.” I mean to say, having frankly taken up + America, I was at last resolved to do it whole-heartedly. If I could not + take up the whole of it, I would not take up a part. Quite instinctively I + had chosen the slogan of our Chamber of Commerce: “Don’t Knock—Boost; + and Boost Altogether.” Rudely worded though it is, I had seen it to be + sound in spirit. + </p> + <p> + These thoughts ran in my mind during the smart repast that now followed. + Insidiously I wrought among the guests to amalgamate into one friendly + whole certain elements that had hitherto been hostile. The Bohemian set + was not segregated. Almost my first inspiration had been to scatter its + members widely among the conservative pillars of the North Side set. Left + in one group, I had known they would plume themselves quite intolerably + over the signal triumph of their leader; perhaps, in the American speech, + “start something.” Widely scattered, they became mere parts of the whole I + was seeking to achieve. + </p> + <p> + The banquet progressed gayly to its finish. Toasts were drunk no end, all + of them proposed by Senator Floud who, toward the last, kept almost + constantly on his feet. From the bride and groom he expanded + geographically through Red Gap, the Kulanche Valley, the State of + Washington, and the United States to the British Empire, not omitting the + Honourable George—who, I noticed, called for the relish and consumed + quite almost an entire bottle during the meal. Also I was proposed—“through + whose lifelong friendship for the illustrious groom this meeting of hearts + and hands has been so happily brought about.” + </p> + <p> + Her ladyship’s eyes rested briefly upon mine as her lips touched the glass + to this. They conveyed the unspeakable. Rather a fool I felt, and unable + to look away until she released me. She had been wondrously quiet through + it all. Not dazed in the least, as might have been looked for in one of + her lowly station thus prodigiously elevated; and not feverishly gay, as + might also have been anticipated. Simple and quiet she was, showing a + complete but perfectly controlled awareness of her position. + </p> + <p> + For the first time then, I think, I did envision her as the Countess of + Brinstead. She was going to carry it off. Perhaps quite as well as even I + could have wished his lordship’s chosen mate to do. I observed her look at + his lordship with those strange lights in her eyes, as if only half + realizing yet wholly believing all that he believed. And once at the + height of the gayety I saw her reach out to touch his sleeve, furtively, + swiftly, and so gently he never knew. + </p> + <p> + It occurred to me there were things about the woman we had taken too + little trouble to know. I wondered what old memories might be coming to + her now; what staring faces might obtrude, what old, far-off, perhaps + hated, voices might be sounding to her; what of remembered hurts and + heartaches might newly echo back to make her flinch and wonder if she + dreamed. She touched the sleeve again, as it might have been in protection + from them, her eyes narrowed, her gaze fixed. It queerly occurred to me + that his lordship might find her as difficult to know as we had—and + yet would keep always trying more than we had, to be sure. I mean to say, + she was no gabbler. + </p> + <p> + The responses to the Senator’s toasts increased in volume. His final + flight, I recall, involved terms like “our blood-cousins of the British + Isles,” and introduced a figure of speech about “hands across the sea,” + which I thought striking, indeed. The applause aroused by this was noisy + in the extreme, a number of the cattle and horse persons, including the + redskin Tuttle, emitting a shrill, concerted “yipping” which, though it + would never have done with us, seemed somehow not out of place in North + America, although I observed Belknap-Jackson to make gestures of extreme + repugnance while it lasted. + </p> + <p> + There ensued a rather flurried wishing of happiness to the pair. A novel + sight it was, the most austere matrons of the North Side set vying for + places in the line that led past them. I found myself trying to analyze + the inner emotions of some of them I best knew as they fondly greeted the + now radiant Countess of Brinstead. But that way madness lay, as + Shakespeare has so aptly said of another matter. I recalled, though, the + low-toned comment of Cousin Egbert, who stood near me. + </p> + <p> + “Don’t them dames stand the gaff noble!” It was quite true. They were + heroic. I recalled then his other quaint prophecy that her ladyship would + hand them a bottle of lemonade. As is curiously usual with this simple + soul, he had gone to the heart of the matter. + </p> + <p> + The throng dwindled to the more intimate friends. Among those who lingered + were the Belknap-Jacksons and Mrs. Effie. Quite solicitous they were for + the “dear Countess,” as they rather defiantly called her to one another. + Belknap-Jackson casually mentioned in my hearing that he had been asked to + Chaynes-Wotten for the shooting. Mrs. Effie, who also heard, swiftly + remarked that she would doubtless run over in the spring—the dear + Earl was so insistent. They rather glared at each other. But in truth his + lordship had insisted that quite almost every one should come and stop on + with him. + </p> + <p> + “Of course, course, what, what! Jolly party, no end of fun. Week-end, that + sort of thing. Know she’ll like her old friends best. Wouldn’t be keen for + the creature if she’d not. Have ‘em all, have ‘em all. Capital, by Jove!” + </p> + <p> + To be sure it was a manner of speaking, born of the expansive good feeling + of the moment. Yet I believe Cousin Egbert was the only invited one to + decline. He did so with evident distress at having to refuse. + </p> + <p> + “I like your little woman a whole lot,” he observed to his lordship, “but + Europe is too kind of uncomfortable for me; keeps me upset all the time, + what with all the foreigners and one thing and another. But, listen here, + Cap! You pack the little woman back once in a while. Just to give us a + flash at her. We’ll give you both a good time.” + </p> + <p> + “What ho!” returned his lordship. “Of course, course! Fancy we’d like it + vastly, what, what!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir, I fancy you would, too,” and rather startlingly Cousin Egbert + seized her ladyship and kissed her heartily. Whereupon her ladyship kissed + the fellow in return. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir, I dare say I fancy you would,” he called back a bit nervously + as he left. + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson drove the party to the station, feeling, I am sure, that + he scored over Mrs. Effie, though he was obliged to include the Mixer, + from whom her ladyship bluntly refused to be separated. I inferred that + she must have found the time and seclusion in which to weep a bit on the + Mixer’s shoulder. The waist of the latter’s purple satin gown was quite + spotty at the height of her ladyship’s eyes. + </p> + <p> + Belknap-Jackson on this occasion drove his car with the greatest + solicitude, proceeding more slowly than I had ever known him do. As I + attended to certain luggage details at the station he was regretting to + his lordship that they had not had a longer time at the country club the + day it was exhibited. + </p> + <p> + “Look a bit after silly old George,” said his lordship to me at parting. + “Chap’s dotty, I dare say. Talking about a plantation of apple trees now. + For his old age—that sort of thing. Be something new in a fortnight, + though. Like him, of course, course!” + </p> + <p> + Her ladyship closed upon my hand with a remarkable vigour of grip. + </p> + <p> + “We owe it all to you,” she said, again with dancing eyes. Then her eyes + steadied queerly. “Maybe you won’t be sorry.” + </p> + <p> + “Know I shan’t.” I fancy I rather growled it, stupidly feeling I was not + rising to the occasion. “Knew his lordship wouldn’t rest till he had you + where he wanted you. Glad he’s got you.” And curiously I felt a bit of a + glad little squeeze in my throat for her. I groped for something light—something + American. + </p> + <p> + “You are some Countess,” I at last added in a silly way. + </p> + <p> + “What, what!” said his lordship, but I had caught her eyes. They brimmed + with understanding. + </p> + <p> + With the going of that train all life seemed to go. I mean to say, things + all at once became flat. I turned to the dull station. + </p> + <p> + “Give you a lift, old chap,” said Belknap-Jackson. Again he was cordial. + So firmly had I kept the reins of the whole affair in my grasp, such + prestige he knew it would give me, he dared not broach his grievance. + </p> + <p> + Some half-remembered American phrase of Cousin Egbert’s ran in my mind. I + had put a buffalo on him! + </p> + <p> + “Thank you,” I said, “I’m needing a bit of a stretch and a breeze-out.” + </p> + <p> + I wished to walk that I might the better meditate. With Belknap-Jackson + one does not sufficiently meditate. + </p> + <p> + A block up from the station I was struck by the sight of the Honourable + George. Plodding solitary down that low street he was, heeled as usual by + the Judson cur. He came to the Spilmer public house and for a moment + stared up, quite still, at the “Last Chance” on its chaffing signboard. + Then he wheeled abruptly and entered. I was moved to follow him, but I + knew it would never do. He would row me about the service of the Grill—something + of that sort. I dare say he had fancied her ladyship as keenly as one of + his volatile nature might. But I knew him! + </p> + <p> + Back on our street the festival atmosphere still lingered. Groups of + recent guests paused to discuss the astounding event. The afternoon paper + was being scanned by many of them. An account of the wedding was its + “feature,” as they say. I had no heart for that, but on the second page my + eye caught a minor item: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “A special meeting of the Ladies Onwards and Upwards Club is + called for to-morrow afternoon at two sharp at the residence + of Mrs. Dr. Percy Hailey Martingale, for the transaction of + important business.” + </pre> + <p> + One could fancy, I thought, what the meeting would discuss. Nor was I + wrong, for I may here state that the evening paper of the following day + disclosed that her ladyship the Countess of Brinstead had unanimously been + elected to a life honorary membership in the club. + </p> + <p> + Back in the Grill I found the work of clearing the tables well advanced, + and very soon its before-dinner aspect of calm waiting was restored. + Surveying it I reflected that one might well wonder if aught momentous had + indeed so lately occurred here. A motley day it had been. + </p> + <p> + I passed into the linen and glass pantry. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Judson, polishing my glassware, burst into tears at my approach, + frankly stanching them with her towel. I saw it to be a mere overflow of + the meaningless emotion that women stock so abundantly on the occasion of + a wedding. She is an almost intensely feminine person, as can be seen at + once by any one who understands women. In a goods box in the passage + beyond I noted her nipper fast asleep, a mammoth beef-rib clasped to its + fat chest. I debated putting this abuse to her once more but feared the + moment was not propitious. She dried her eyes and smiled again. + </p> + <p> + “A prince in his palace,” she murmured inanely. “She thought first he was + going to be as funny as the other one; then she found he wasn’t. I liked + him, too. I didn’t blame her a bit. He’s one of that kind—his bark’s + worse than his bite. And to think you knew all the time what was coming + off. My, but you’re the Mr. Deep-one!” + </p> + <p> + I saw no reason to stultify myself by denying this. I mean to say, if she + thought it, let her! + </p> + <p> + “The last thing yesterday she gave me this dress.” + </p> + <p> + I had already noted the very becoming dull blue house gown she wore. Quite + with an air she carried it. To be sure, it was not suitable to her duties. + The excitements of the day, I suppose, had rendered me a bit sterner than + is my wont. Perhaps a little authoritative. + </p> + <p> + “A handsome gown,” I replied icily, “but one would hardly choose it for + the work you are performing.” + </p> + <p> + “Rubbish!” she retorted plainly. “I wanted to look nice—I had to go + in there lots of times. And I wanted to be dressed for to-night.” + </p> + <p> + “Why to-night, may I ask?” I was all at once uncomfortably curious. + </p> + <p> + “Why, the boys are coming for me. They’re going to take No-no home, then + we’re all going to the movies. They’ve got a new bill at the Bijou, and + Buck Edwards especially wants me to see it. One of the cowboys in it that + does some star riding looks just like Buck—wavy chestnut hair. Buck + himself is one of the best riders in the whole Kulanche.” + </p> + <p> + The woman seemed to have some fiendish power to enrage me. As she prattled + thus, her eyes demurely on the glass she dried, I felt a deep flush mantle + my brow. She could never have dreamed that she had this malign power, but + she was now at least to suspect it. + </p> + <p> + “Your Mr. Edwards,” I began calmly enough, “may be like the cinema actor: + the two may be as like each other as makes no difference—but you are + not going.” I was aware that the latter phrase was heated where I had + merely meant it to be impressive. Dignified firmness had been the line I + intended, but my rage was mounting. She stared at me. Astonished beyond + words she was, if I can read human expressions. + </p> + <p> + “I am!” she snapped at last. + </p> + <p> + “You are not!” I repeated, stepping a bit toward her. I was conscious of a + bit of the rowdy in my manner, but I seemed powerless to prevent it. All + my culture was again but the flimsiest veneer. + </p> + <p> + “I am, too!” she again said, though plainly dismayed. + </p> + <p> + “No!” I quite thundered it, I dare say. “No, no! No, no!” + </p> + <p> + The nipper cried out from his box. Not until later did it occur to me that + he had considered himself to be addressed in angry tones. + </p> + <p> + “No, no!” I thundered again. I couldn’t help myself, though silly rot I + call it now. And then to my horror the mother herself began to weep. + </p> + <p> + “I will!” she sobbed. “I will! I will! I will!” + </p> + <p> + “No, no!” I insisted, and I found myself seizing her shoulders, not + knowing if I mightn’t shake her smartly, so drawn-out had the woman got + me; and still I kept shouting my senseless “No, no!” at which the nipper + was now yelling. + </p> + <p> + She struggled her best as I clutched her, but I seemed to have the + strength of a dozen men; the woman was nothing in my grasp, and my arms + were taking their blind rage out on her. + </p> + <p> + Secure I held her, and presently she no longer struggled, and I was + curiously no longer angry, but found myself soothing her in many strange + ways. I mean to say, the passage between us had fallen to be of the very + shockingly most sentimental character. + </p> + <p> + “You are so masterful!” she panted. + </p> + <p> + “I’ll have my own way,” I threatened; “I’ve told you often enough.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you’re so domineering!” she murmured. I dare say I am a bit that way. + </p> + <p> + “I’ll show you who’s to be master!” + </p> + <p> + “But I never dreamed you meant this,” she answered. True, I had most + brutally taken her by surprise. I could easily see how, expecting nothing + of the faintest sort, she had been rudely shocked. + </p> + <p> + “I meant it all along,” I said firmly, “from the very first moment.” And + now again she spoke in almost awed tones of my “deepness.” I have never + believed in that excessive intuition which is so widely boasted for woman. + </p> + <p> + “I never dreamed of it,” she said again, and added: “Mrs. Kenner and I + were talking about this dress only last night and I said—I never, + never dreamed of such a thing!” She broke off with sudden inconsequence, + as women will. + </p> + <p> + We had now to quiet the nipper in his box. I saw even then that, + domineering though I may be, I should probably never care to bring the + child’s condition to her notice again. There was something about her—something + volcanic in her femininity. I knew it would never do. Better let the thing + continue to be a monstrosity! I might, unnoticed, of course, snatch a bun + from its grasp now and then. + </p> + <p> + Our evening rush came and went quite as if nothing had happened. I may + have been rather absent, reflecting pensively. I mean to say, I had at + times considered this alliance as a dawning possibility, but never had I + meant to be sudden. Only for the woman’s remarkably stubborn obtuseness I + dare say the understanding might have been deferred to a more suitable + moment and arranged in a calm and orderly manner. But the die was cast. + Like his lordship, I had chosen an American bride—taken her by storm + and carried her off her feet before she knew it. We English are often that + way. + </p> + <p> + At ten o’clock we closed the Grill upon a day that had been historic in + the truest sense of the word. I shouldered the sleeping nipper. He still + passionately clutched the beef-rib and for some reason I felt averse to + depriving him of it, even though it would mean a spotty top-coat. + </p> + <p> + Strangely enough, we talked but little in our walk. It seemed rather too + tremendous to talk of. + </p> + <p> + When I gave the child into her arms at the door it had become half awake. + </p> + <p> + “Ruggums!” it muttered sleepily. + </p> + <p> + “Ruggums!” echoed the mother, and again, very softly in the still night: + “Ruggums—Ruggums!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + That in the few months since that rather agreeable night I have acquired + the title of Red Gap’s social dictator cannot be denied. More than one + person of discernment may now be heard to speak of my “reign,” though + this, of course, is coming it a bit thick. + </p> + <p> + The removal by his lordship of one who, despite her sterling qualities, + had been a source of discord, left the social elements of the town in a + state of the wildest disorganization. And having for myself acquired a + remarkable prestige from my intimate association with the affair, I + promptly seized the reins and drew the scattered forces together. + </p> + <p> + First, at an early day I sought an interview with Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. + Effie and told them straight precisely why I had played them both false in + the matter of the wedding breakfast. With the honour granted to either of + them, I explained, I had foreseen another era of cliques, divisions, and + acrimony. Therefore I had done the thing myself, as a measure of peace. + </p> + <p> + Flatly then I declared my intention of reconciling all those formerly + opposed elements and of creating a society in Red Gap that would be a + social union in the finest sense of the word. I said that contact with + their curious American life had taught me that their equality should be + more than a name, and that, especially in the younger settlements, a + certain relaxation from the rigid requirements of an older order is not + only unavoidable but vastly to be desired. I meant to say, if we were + going to be Americans it was silly rot trying to be English at the same + time. + </p> + <p> + I pointed out that their former social leaders had ever been inspired by + the idea of exclusion; the soul of their leadership had been to cast + others out; and that the campaign I planned was to be one of inclusion—even + to the extent of Bohemians and well-behaved cattle-persons—-which I + believed to be in the finest harmony with their North American theory of + human association. It might be thought a naïve theory, I said, but so long + as they had chosen it I should staunchly abide by it. + </p> + <p> + I added what I dare say they did not believe: that the position of leader + was not one I should cherish for any other reason than the public good. + That when one better fitted might appear they would find me the first to + rejoice. + </p> + <p> + I need not say that I was interrupted frequently and acridly during this + harangue, but I had given them both a buffalo and well they knew it. And I + worked swiftly from that moment. I gave the following week the first of a + series of subscription balls in the dancing hall above the Grill, and both + Mrs. Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. Effie early enrolled themselves as + patronesses, even after I had made it plain that I alone should name the + guests. + </p> + <p> + The success of the affair was all I could have wished. Red Gap had become + a social unit. Nor was appreciation for my leadership wanting. There will + be malcontents, I foresee, and from the informed inner circles I learn + that I have already been slightingly spoken of as a foreigner wielding a + sceptre over native-born Americans, but I have the support of quite all + who really matter, and I am confident these rebellions may be put down by + tact alone. It is too well understood by those who know me that I have + Equality for my watchword. + </p> + <p> + I mean to say, at the next ball of the series I may even see that the + fellow Hobbs has a card if I can become assured that he has quite freed + himself from certain debasing class-ideals of his native country. This to + be sure is an extreme case, because the fellow is that type of our serving + class to whom equality is unthinkable. They must, from their centuries of + servility, look either up or down; and I scarce know in which attitude + they are more offensive to our American point of view. Still I mean to be + broad. Even Hobbs shall have his chance with us! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + It is late June. Mrs. Ruggles and I are comfortably installed in her + enlarged and repaired house. We have a fowl-run on a stretch of her + free-hold, and the kitchen-garden thrives under the care of the Japanese + agricultural labourer I have employed. + </p> + <p> + Already I have discharged more than half my debt to Cousin Egbert, who + exclaims, “Oh, shucks!” each time I make him a payment. He and the + Honourable George remain pally no end and spend much of their abundant + leisure at Cousin Egbert’s modest country house. At times when they are in + town they rather consort with street persons, but such is the breadth of + our social scheme that I shall never exclude them from our gayeties, + though it is true that more often than not they decline to be present. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Ruggles, I may say, is a lady of quite amazing capacities combined + strangely with the commonest feminine weaknesses. She has acute business + judgment at most times, yet would fly at me in a rage if I were to say + what I think of the nipper’s appalling grossness. Quite naturally I do not + push my unquestioned mastery to this extreme. There are other matters in + which I amusedly let her have her way, though she fondly reminds me almost + daily of my brutal self-will. + </p> + <p> + On one point I have just been obliged to assert this. She came running to + me with a suggestion for economizing in the manufacture of the relish. She + had devised a cheaper formula. But I was firm. + </p> + <p> + “So long as the inventor’s face is on that flask,” I said, “its contents + shall not be debased a tuppence. My name and face will guarantee its + purity.” + </p> + <p> + She gave in nicely, merely declaring that I needn’t growl like one of + their bears with a painful foot. + </p> + <p> + At my carefully mild suggestion she has just brought the nipper in from + where he was cattying the young fowls, much to their detriment. But she is + now heaping compote upon a slice of thickly buttered bread for him, + glancing meanwhile at our evening newspaper. + </p> + <p> + “Ruggums always has his awful own way, doesn’t ums?” she remarks to the + nipper. + </p> + <p> + Deeply ignoring this, I resume my elocutionary studies of the Declaration + of Independence. For I should say that a signal honour of a municipal + character has just been done me. A committee of the Chamber of Commerce + has invited me to participate in their exercises on an early day in July—the + fourth, I fancy—when they celebrate the issuance of this famous + document. I have been asked to read it, preceding a patriotic address to + be made by Senator Floud. + </p> + <p> + I accepted with the utmost pleasure, and now on my vine-sheltered porch + have begun trying it out for the proper voice effects. Its substance, I + need not say, is already familiar to me. + </p> + <p> + The nipper is horribly gulping at its food, jam smears quite all about its + countenance. Mrs. Ruggles glances over her journal. + </p> + <p> + “How would you like it,” she suddenly demands, “if I went around town like + these English women—burning churches and houses of Parliament and + cutting up fine oil paintings. How would that suit your grouchy highness?” + </p> + <p> + “This is not England,” I answer shortly. “That sort of thing would never + do with us.” + </p> + <p> + “My, but isn’t he the fierce old Ruggums!” she cries in affected alarm to + the now half-suffocated nipper. + </p> + <p> + Once more I take up the Declaration of Independence. It lends itself + rather well to reciting. I feel that my voice is going to carry. + </p> + <h3> + THE END + </h3> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Ruggles of Red Gap, by Harry Leon Wilson + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RUGGLES OF RED GAP *** + +***** This file should be named 9151-h.htm or 9151-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/1/5/9151/ + + +Text file produced by Suzanne L. 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