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diff --git a/old/mdfog10.txt b/old/mdfog10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a3a6771 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mdfog10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3846 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mudfog and Other Sketches, by Charles Dickens +(#22 in our series by Charles Dickens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Mudfog and Other Sketches + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: May, 1997 [EBook #912] +[This file was first posted on May 19, 1997] +[Most recently updated: May 8, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES *** + + + + +Transcribed from the 1903 edition by David Price, +email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES + + + + +Contents: + +I. PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE--ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG +II. FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION + FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING +III. FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION + FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING +IV. THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE +V. SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION +VI. MR. ROBERT BOLTON: THE 'GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS' +VII. FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD AGED TWO YEARS AND +TWO MONTHS + + + +PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE--ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG + + + +Mudfog is a pleasant town--a remarkably pleasant town--situated in +a charming hollow by the side of a river, from which river, Mudfog +derives an agreeable scent of pitch, tar, coals, and rope-yarn, a +roving population in oilskin hats, a pretty steady influx of +drunken bargemen, and a great many other maritime advantages. +There is a good deal of water about Mudfog, and yet it is not +exactly the sort of town for a watering-place, either. Water is a +perverse sort of element at the best of times, and in Mudfog it is +particularly so. In winter, it comes oozing down the streets and +tumbling over the fields,--nay, rushes into the very cellars and +kitchens of the houses, with a lavish prodigality that might well +be dispensed with; but in the hot summer weather it WILL dry up, +and turn green: and, although green is a very good colour in its +way, especially in grass, still it certainly is not becoming to +water; and it cannot be denied that the beauty of Mudfog is rather +impaired, even by this trifling circumstance. Mudfog is a healthy +place--very healthy;--damp, perhaps, but none the worse for that. +It's quite a mistake to suppose that damp is unwholesome: plants +thrive best in damp situations, and why shouldn't men? The +inhabitants of Mudfog are unanimous in asserting that there exists +not a finer race of people on the face of the earth; here we have +an indisputable and veracious contradiction of the vulgar error at +once. So, admitting Mudfog to be damp, we distinctly state that it +is salubrious. + +The town of Mudfog is extremely picturesque. Limehouse and +Ratcliff Highway are both something like it, but they give you a +very faint idea of Mudfog. There are a great many more public- +houses in Mudfog--more than in Ratcliff Highway and Limehouse put +together. The public buildings, too, are very imposing. We +consider the town-hall one of the finest specimens of shed +architecture, extant: it is a combination of the pig-sty and tea- +garden-box orders; and the simplicity of its design is of +surpassing beauty. The idea of placing a large window on one side +of the door, and a small one on the other, is particularly happy. +There is a fine old Doric beauty, too, about the padlock and +scraper, which is strictly in keeping with the general effect. + +In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assemble +together in solemn council for the public weal. Seated on the +massive wooden benches, which, with the table in the centre, form +the only furniture of the whitewashed apartment, the sage men of +Mudfog spend hour after hour in grave deliberation. Here they +settle at what hour of the night the public-houses shall be closed, +at what hour of the morning they shall be permitted to open, how +soon it shall be lawful for people to eat their dinner on church- +days, and other great political questions; and sometimes, long +after silence has fallen on the town, and the distant lights from +the shops and houses have ceased to twinkle, like far-off stars, to +the sight of the boatmen on the river, the illumination in the two +unequal-sized windows of the town-hall, warns the inhabitants of +Mudfog that its little body of legislators, like a larger and +better-known body of the same genus, a great deal more noisy, and +not a whit more profound, are patriotically dozing away in company, +far into the night, for their country's good. + +Among this knot of sage and learned men, no one was so eminently +distinguished, during many years, for the quiet modesty of his +appearance and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the well-known +coal-dealer. However exciting the subject of discussion, however +animated the tone of the debate, or however warm the personalities +exchanged, (and even in Mudfog we get personal sometimes,) Nicholas +Tulrumble was always the same. To say truth, Nicholas, being an +industrious man, and always up betimes, was apt to fall asleep when +a debate began, and to remain asleep till it was over, when he +would wake up very much refreshed, and give his vote with the +greatest complacency. The fact was, that Nicholas Tulrumble, +knowing that everybody there had made up his mind beforehand, +considered the talking as just a long botheration about nothing at +all; and to the present hour it remains a question, whether, on +this point at all events, Nicholas Tulrumble was not pretty near +right. + +Time, which strews a man's head with silver, sometimes fills his +pockets with gold. As he gradually performed one good office for +Nicholas Tulrumble, he was obliging enough, not to omit the other. +Nicholas began life in a wooden tenement of four feet square, with +a capital of two and ninepence, and a stock in trade of three +bushels and a-half of coals, exclusive of the large lump which +hung, by way of sign-board, outside. Then he enlarged the shed, +and kept a truck; then he left the shed, and the truck too, and +started a donkey and a Mrs. Tulrumble; then he moved again and set +up a cart; the cart was soon afterwards exchanged for a waggon; and +so he went on like his great predecessor Whittington--only without +a cat for a partner--increasing in wealth and fame, until at last +he gave up business altogether, and retired with Mrs. Tulrumble and +family to Mudfog Hall, which he had himself erected, on something +which he attempted to delude himself into the belief was a hill, +about a quarter of a mile distant from the town of Mudfog. + +About this time, it began to be murmured in Mudfog that Nicholas +Tulrumble was growing vain and haughty; that prosperity and success +had corrupted the simplicity of his manners, and tainted the +natural goodness of his heart; in short, that he was setting up for +a public character, and a great gentleman, and affected to look +down upon his old companions with compassion and contempt. Whether +these reports were at the time well-founded, or not, certain it is +that Mrs. Tulrumble very shortly afterwards started a four-wheel +chaise, driven by a tall postilion in a yellow cap,--that Mr. +Tulrumble junior took to smoking cigars, and calling the footman a +'feller,'--and that Mr. Tulrumble from that time forth, was no more +seen in his old seat in the chimney-corner of the Lighterman's Arms +at night. This looked bad; but, more than this, it began to be +observed that Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble attended the corporation +meetings more frequently than heretofore; and he no longer went to +sleep as he had done for so many years, but propped his eyelids +open with his two forefingers; that he read the newspapers by +himself at home; and that he was in the habit of indulging abroad +in distant and mysterious allusions to 'masses of people,' and 'the +property of the country,' and 'productive power,' and 'the monied +interest:' all of which denoted and proved that Nicholas Tulrumble +was either mad, or worse; and it puzzled the good people of Mudfog +amazingly. + +At length, about the middle of the month of October, Mr. Tulrumble +and family went up to London; the middle of October being, as Mrs. +Tulrumble informed her acquaintance in Mudfog, the very height of +the fashionable season. + +Somehow or other, just about this time, despite the health- +preserving air of Mudfog, the Mayor died. It was a most +extraordinary circumstance; he had lived in Mudfog for eighty-five +years. The corporation didn't understand it at all; indeed it was +with great difficulty that one old gentleman, who was a great +stickler for forms, was dissuaded from proposing a vote of censure +on such unaccountable conduct. Strange as it was, however, die he +did, without taking the slightest notice of the corporation; and +the corporation were imperatively called upon to elect his +successor. So, they met for the purpose; and being very full of +Nicholas Tulrumble just then, and Nicholas Tulrumble being a very +important man, they elected him, and wrote off to London by the +very next post to acquaint Nicholas Tulrumble with his new +elevation. + +Now, it being November time, and Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble being in +the capital, it fell out that he was present at the Lord Mayor's +show and dinner, at sight of the glory and splendour whereof, he, +Mr. Tulrumble, was greatly mortified, inasmuch as the reflection +would force itself on his mind, that, had he been born in London +instead of in Mudfog, he might have been a Lord Mayor too, and have +patronized the judges, and been affable to the Lord Chancellor, and +friendly with the Premier, and coldly condescending to the +Secretary to the Treasury, and have dined with a flag behind his +back, and done a great many other acts and deeds which unto Lord +Mayors of London peculiarly appertain. The more he thought of the +Lord Mayor, the more enviable a personage he seemed. To be a King +was all very well; but what was the King to the Lord Mayor! When +the King made a speech, everybody knew it was somebody else's +writing; whereas here was the Lord Mayor, talking away for half an +hour-all out of his own head--amidst the enthusiastic applause of +the whole company, while it was notorious that the King might talk +to his parliament till he was black in the face without getting so +much as a single cheer. As all these reflections passed through +the mind of Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble, the Lord Mayor of London +appeared to him the greatest sovereign on the face of the earth, +beating the Emperor of Russia all to nothing, and leaving the Great +Mogul immeasurably behind. + +Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering over these things, and +inwardly cursing the fate which had pitched his coal-shed in +Mudfog, when the letter of the corporation was put into his hand. +A crimson flush mantled over his face as he read it, for visions of +brightness were already dancing before his imagination. + +'My dear,' said Mr. Tulrumble to his wife, 'they have elected me, +Mayor of Mudfog.' + +'Lor-a-mussy!' said Mrs. Tulrumble: 'why what's become of old +Sniggs?' + +'The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble,' said Mr. Tulrumble sharply, +for he by no means approved of the notion of unceremoniously +designating a gentleman who filled the high office of Mayor, as +'Old Sniggs,'--'The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble, is dead.' + +The communication was very unexpected; but Mrs. Tulrumble only +ejaculated 'Lor-a-mussy!' once again, as if a Mayor were a mere +ordinary Christian, at which Mr. Tulrumble frowned gloomily. + +'What a pity 'tan't in London, ain't it?' said Mrs. Tulrumble, +after a short pause; 'what a pity 'tan't in London, where you might +have had a show.' + +'I MIGHT have a show in Mudfog, if I thought proper, I apprehend,' +said Mr. Tulrumble mysteriously. + +'Lor! so you might, I declare,' replied Mrs. Tulrumble. + +'And a good one too,' said Mr. Tulrumble. + +'Delightful!' exclaimed Mrs. Tulrumble. + +'One which would rather astonish the ignorant people down there,' +said Mr. Tulrumble. + +'It would kill them with envy,' said Mrs. Tulrumble. + +So it was agreed that his Majesty's lieges in Mudfog should be +astonished with splendour, and slaughtered with envy, and that such +a show should take place as had never been seen in that town, or in +any other town before,--no, not even in London itself. + +On the very next day after the receipt of the letter, down came the +tall postilion in a post-chaise,--not upon one of the horses, but +inside--actually inside the chaise,--and, driving up to the very +door of the town-hall, where the corporation were assembled, +delivered a letter, written by the Lord knows who, and signed by +Nicholas Tulrumble, in which Nicholas said, all through four sides +of closely-written, gilt-edged, hot-pressed, Bath post letter +paper, that he responded to the call of his fellow-townsmen with +feelings of heartfelt delight; that he accepted the arduous office +which their confidence had imposed upon him; that they would never +find him shrinking from the discharge of his duty; that he would +endeavour to execute his functions with all that dignity which +their magnitude and importance demanded; and a great deal more to +the same effect. But even this was not all. The tall postilion +produced from his right-hand top-boot, a damp copy of that +afternoon's number of the county paper; and there, in large type, +running the whole length of the very first column, was a long +address from Nicholas Tulrumble to the inhabitants of Mudfog, in +which he said that he cheerfully complied with their requisition, +and, in short, as if to prevent any mistake about the matter, told +them over again what a grand fellow he meant to be, in very much +the same terms as those in which he had already told them all about +the matter in his letter. + +The corporation stared at one another very hard at all this, and +then looked as if for explanation to the tall postilion, but as the +tall postilion was intently contemplating the gold tassel on the +top of his yellow cap, and could have afforded no explanation +whatever, even if his thoughts had been entirely disengaged, they +contented themselves with coughing very dubiously, and looking very +grave. The tall postilion then delivered another letter, in which +Nicholas Tulrumble informed the corporation, that he intended +repairing to the town-hall, in grand state and gorgeous procession, +on the Monday afternoon next ensuing. At this the corporation +looked still more solemn; but, as the epistle wound up with a +formal invitation to the whole body to dine with the Mayor on that +day, at Mudfog Hall, Mudfog Hill, Mudfog, they began to see the fun +of the thing directly, and sent back their compliments, and they'd +be sure to come. + +Now there happened to be in Mudfog, as somehow or other there does +happen to be, in almost every town in the British dominions, and +perhaps in foreign dominions too--we think it very likely, but, +being no great traveller, cannot distinctly say--there happened to +be, in Mudfog, a merry-tempered, pleasant-faced, good-for-nothing +sort of vagabond, with an invincible dislike to manual labour, and +an unconquerable attachment to strong beer and spirits, whom +everybody knew, and nobody, except his wife, took the trouble to +quarrel with, who inherited from his ancestors the appellation of +Edward Twigger, and rejoiced in the sobriquet of Bottle-nosed Ned. +He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an +equally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, he +was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication. He +was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, a +sharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his hand to anything +when he chose to do it. He was by no means opposed to hard labour +on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the day +together,--running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, and +revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley-slave. He would +have been invaluable to a fire-office; never was a man with such a +natural taste for pumping engines, running up ladders, and throwing +furniture out of two-pair-of-stairs' windows: nor was this the +only element in which he was at home; he was a humane society in +himself, a portable drag, an animated life-preserver, and had saved +more people, in his time, from drowning, than the Plymouth life- +boat, or Captain Manby's apparatus. With all these qualifications, +notwithstanding his dissipation, Bottle-nosed Ned was a general +favourite; and the authorities of Mudfog, remembering his numerous +services to the population, allowed him in return to get drunk in +his own way, without the fear of stocks, fine, or imprisonment. He +had a general licence, and he showed his sense of the compliment by +making the most of it. + +We have been thus particular in describing the character and +avocations of Bottle-nosed Ned, because it enables us to introduce +a fact politely, without hauling it into the reader's presence with +indecent haste by the head and shoulders, and brings us very +naturally to relate, that on the very same evening on which Mr. +Nicholas Tulrumble and family returned to Mudfog, Mr. Tulrumble's +new secretary, just imported from London, with a pale face and +light whiskers, thrust his head down to the very bottom of his +neckcloth-tie, in at the tap-room door of the Lighterman's Arms, +and inquiring whether one Ned Twigger was luxuriating within, +announced himself as the bearer of a message from Nicholas +Tulrumble, Esquire, requiring Mr. Twigger's immediate attendance at +the hall, on private and particular business. It being by no means +Mr. Twigger's interest to affront the Mayor, he rose from the +fireplace with a slight sigh, and followed the light-whiskered +secretary through the dirt and wet of Mudfog streets, up to Mudfog +Hall, without further ado. + +Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in a small cavern with a +skylight, which he called his library, sketching out a plan of the +procession on a large sheet of paper; and into the cavern the +secretary ushered Ned Twigger. + +'Well, Twigger!' said Nicholas Tulrumble, condescendingly. + +There was a time when Twigger would have replied, 'Well, Nick!' but +that was in the days of the truck, and a couple of years before the +donkey; so, he only bowed. + +'I want you to go into training, Twigger,' said Mr. Tulrumble. + +'What for, sir?' inquired Ned, with a stare. + +'Hush, hush, Twigger!' said the Mayor. 'Shut the door, Mr. +Jennings. Look here, Twigger.' + +As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a high closet, and disclosed a +complete suit of brass armour, of gigantic dimensions. + +'I want you to wear this next Monday, Twigger,' said the Mayor. + +'Bless your heart and soul, sir!' replied Ned, 'you might as well +ask me to wear a seventy-four pounder, or a cast-iron boiler.' + +'Nonsense, Twigger, nonsense!' said the Mayor. + +'I couldn't stand under it, sir,' said Twigger; 'it would make +mashed potatoes of me, if I attempted it.' + +'Pooh, pooh, Twigger!' returned the Mayor. 'I tell you I have seen +it done with my own eyes, in London, and the man wasn't half such a +man as you are, either.' + +'I should as soon have thought of a man's wearing the case of an +eight-day clock to save his linen,' said Twigger, casting a look of +apprehension at the brass suit. + +'It's the easiest thing in the world,' rejoined the Mayor. + +'It's nothing,' said Mr. Jennings. + +'When you're used to it,' added Ned. + +'You do it by degrees,' said the Mayor. 'You would begin with one +piece to-morrow, and two the next day, and so on, till you had got +it all on. Mr. Jennings, give Twigger a glass of rum. Just try +the breast-plate, Twigger. Stay; take another glass of rum first. +Help me to lift it, Mr. Jennings. Stand firm, Twigger! There!--it +isn't half as heavy as it looks, is it?' + +Twigger was a good strong, stout fellow; so, after a great deal of +staggering, he managed to keep himself up, under the breastplate, +and even contrived, with the aid of another glass of rum, to walk +about in it, and the gauntlets into the bargain. He made a trial +of the helmet, but was not equally successful, inasmuch as he +tipped over instantly,--an accident which Mr. Tulrumble clearly +demonstrated to be occasioned by his not having a counteracting +weight of brass on his legs. + +'Now, wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next,' said +Tulrumble, 'and I'll make your fortune.' + +'I'll try what I can do, sir,' said Twigger. + +'It must be kept a profound secret,' said Tulrumble. + +'Of course, sir,' replied Twigger. + +'And you must be sober,' said Tulrumble; 'perfectly sober.' Mr. +Twigger at once solemnly pledged himself to be as sober as a judge, +and Nicholas Tulrumble was satisfied, although, had we been +Nicholas, we should certainly have exacted some promise of a more +specific nature; inasmuch as, having attended the Mudfog assizes in +the evening more than once, we can solemnly testify to having seen +judges with very strong symptoms of dinner under their wigs. +However, that's neither here nor there. + +The next day, and the day following, and the day after that, Ned +Twigger was securely locked up in the small cavern with the sky- +light, hard at work at the armour. With every additional piece he +could manage to stand upright in, he had an additional glass of +rum; and at last, after many partial suffocations, he contrived to +get on the whole suit, and to stagger up and down the room in it, +like an intoxicated effigy from Westminster Abbey. + +Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble; never was woman +so charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble's wife. Here was a sight for the +common people of Mudfog! A live man in brass armour! Why, they +would go wild with wonder! + +The day--THE Monday--arrived. + +If the morning had been made to order, it couldn't have been better +adapted to the purpose. They never showed a better fog in London +on Lord Mayor's day, than enwrapped the town of Mudfog on that +eventful occasion. It had risen slowly and surely from the green +and stagnant water with the first light of morning, until it +reached a little above the lamp-post tops; and there it had +stopped, with a sleepy, sluggish obstinacy, which bade defiance to +the sun, who had got up very blood-shot about the eyes, as if he +had been at a drinking-party over-night, and was doing his day's +work with the worst possible grace. The thick damp mist hung over +the town like a huge gauze curtain. All was dim and dismal. The +church steeples had bidden a temporary adieu to the world below; +and every object of lesser importance--houses, barns, hedges, +trees, and barges--had all taken the veil. + +The church-clock struck one. A cracked trumpet from the front +garden of Mudfog Hall produced a feeble flourish, as if some +asthmatic person had coughed into it accidentally; the gate flew +open, and out came a gentleman, on a moist-sugar coloured charger, +intended to represent a herald, but bearing a much stronger +resemblance to a court-card on horseback. This was one of the +Circus people, who always came down to Mudfog at that time of the +year, and who had been engaged by Nicholas Tulrumble expressly for +the occasion. There was the horse, whisking his tail about, +balancing himself on his hind-legs, and flourishing away with his +fore-feet, in a manner which would have gone to the hearts and +souls of any reasonable crowd. But a Mudfog crowd never was a +reasonable one, and in all probability never will be. Instead of +scattering the very fog with their shouts, as they ought most +indubitably to have done, and were fully intended to do, by +Nicholas Tulrumble, they no sooner recognized the herald, than they +began to growl forth the most unqualified disapprobation at the +bare notion of his riding like any other man. If he had come out +on his head indeed, or jumping through a hoop, or flying through a +red-hot drum, or even standing on one leg with his other foot in +his mouth, they might have had something to say to him; but for a +professional gentleman to sit astride in the saddle, with his feet +in the stirrups, was rather too good a joke. So, the herald was a +decided failure, and the crowd hooted with great energy, as he +pranced ingloriously away. + +On the procession came. We are afraid to say how many +supernumeraries there were, in striped shirts and black velvet +caps, to imitate the London watermen, or how many base imitations +of running-footmen, or how many banners, which, owing to the +heaviness of the atmosphere, could by no means be prevailed on to +display their inscriptions: still less do we feel disposed to +relate how the men who played the wind instruments, looking up into +the sky (we mean the fog) with musical fervour, walked through +pools of water and hillocks of mud, till they covered the powdered +heads of the running-footmen aforesaid with splashes, that looked +curious, but not ornamental; or how the barrel-organ performer put +on the wrong stop, and played one tune while the band played +another; or how the horses, being used to the arena, and not to the +streets, would stand still and dance, instead of going on and +prancing;--all of which are matters which might be dilated upon to +great advantage, but which we have not the least intention of +dilating upon, notwithstanding. + +Oh! it was a grand and beautiful sight to behold a corporation in +glass coaches, provided at the sole cost and charge of Nicholas +Tulrumble, coming rolling along, like a funeral out of mourning, +and to watch the attempts the corporation made to look great and +solemn, when Nicholas Tulrumble himself, in the four-wheel chaise, +with the tall postilion, rolled out after them, with Mr. Jennings +on one side to look like a chaplain, and a supernumerary on the +other, with an old life-guardsman's sabre, to imitate the sword- +bearer; and to see the tears rolling down the faces of the mob as +they screamed with merriment. This was beautiful! and so was the +appearance of Mrs. Tulrumble and son, as they bowed with grave +dignity out of their coach-window to all the dirty faces that were +laughing around them: but it is not even with this that we have to +do, but with the sudden stopping of the procession at another blast +of the trumpet, whereat, and whereupon, a profound silence ensued, +and all eyes were turned towards Mudfog Hall, in the confident +anticipation of some new wonder. + +'They won't laugh now, Mr. Jennings,' said Nicholas Tulrumble. + +'I think not, sir,' said Mr. Jennings. + +'See how eager they look,' said Nicholas Tulrumble. 'Aha! the +laugh will be on our side now; eh, Mr. Jennings?' + +'No doubt of that, sir,' replied Mr. Jennings; and Nicholas +Tulrumble, in a state of pleasurable excitement, stood up in the +four-wheel chaise, and telegraphed gratification to the Mayoress +behind. + +While all this was going forward, Ned Twigger had descended into +the kitchen of Mudfog Hall for the purpose of indulging the +servants with a private view of the curiosity that was to burst +upon the town; and, somehow or other, the footman was so +companionable, and the housemaid so kind, and the cook so friendly, +that he could not resist the offer of the first-mentioned to sit +down and take something--just to drink success to master in. + +So, down Ned Twigger sat himself in his brass livery on the top of +the kitchen-table; and in a mug of something strong, paid for by +the unconscious Nicholas Tulrumble, and provided by the +companionable footman, drank success to the Mayor and his +procession; and, as Ned laid by his helmet to imbibe the something +strong, the companionable footman put it on his own head, to the +immeasurable and unrecordable delight of the cook and housemaid. +The companionable footman was very facetious to Ned, and Ned was +very gallant to the cook and housemaid by turns. They were all +very cosy and comfortable; and the something strong went briskly +round. + +At last Ned Twigger was loudly called for, by the procession +people: and, having had his helmet fixed on, in a very complicated +manner, by the companionable footman, and the kind housemaid, and +the friendly cook, he walked gravely forth, and appeared before the +multitude. + +The crowd roared--it was not with wonder, it was not with surprise; +it was most decidedly and unquestionably with laughter. + +'What!' said Mr. Tulrumble, starting up in the four-wheel chaise. +'Laughing? If they laugh at a man in real brass armour, they'd +laugh when their own fathers were dying. Why doesn't he go into +his place, Mr. Jennings? What's he rolling down towards us for? he +has no business here!' + +'I am afraid, sir--' faltered Mr. Jennings. + +'Afraid of what, sir?' said Nicholas Tulrumble, looking up into the +secretary's face. + +'I am afraid he's drunk, sir,' replied Mr. Jennings. + +Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at the extraordinary figure that +was bearing down upon them; and then, clasping his secretary by the +arm, uttered an audible groan in anguish of spirit. + +It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigger having full licence to +demand a single glass of rum on the putting on of every piece of +the armour, got, by some means or other, rather out of his +calculation in the hurry and confusion of preparation, and drank +about four glasses to a piece instead of one, not to mention the +something strong which went on the top of it. Whether the brass +armour checked the natural flow of perspiration, and thus prevented +the spirit from evaporating, we are not scientific enough to know; +but, whatever the cause was, Mr. Twigger no sooner found himself +outside the gate of Mudfog Hall, than he also found himself in a +very considerable state of intoxication; and hence his +extraordinary style of progressing. This was bad enough, but, as +if fate and fortune had conspired against Nicholas Tulrumble, Mr. +Twigger, not having been penitent for a good calendar month, took +it into his head to be most especially and particularly +sentimental, just when his repentance could have been most +conveniently dispensed with. Immense tears were rolling down his +cheeks, and he was vainly endeavouring to conceal his grief by +applying to his eyes a blue cotton pocket-handkerchief with white +spots,--an article not strictly in keeping with a suit of armour +some three hundred years old, or thereabouts. + +'Twigger, you villain!' said Nicholas Tulrumble, quite forgetting +his dignity, 'go back.' + +'Never,' said Ned. 'I'm a miserable wretch. I'll never leave +you.' + +The by-standers of course received this declaration with +acclamations of 'That's right, Ned; don't!' + +'I don't intend it,' said Ned, with all the obstinacy of a very +tipsy man. 'I'm very unhappy. I'm the wretched father of an +unfortunate family; but I am very faithful, sir. I'll never leave +you.' Having reiterated this obliging promise, Ned proceeded in +broken words to harangue the crowd upon the number of years he had +lived in Mudfog, the excessive respectability of his character, and +other topics of the like nature. + +'Here! will anybody lead him away?' said Nicholas: 'if they'll +call on me afterwards, I'll reward them well.' + +Two or three men stepped forward, with the view of bearing Ned off, +when the secretary interposed. + +'Take care! take care!' said Mr. Jennings. 'I beg your pardon, +sir; but they'd better not go too near him, because, if he falls +over, he'll certainly crush somebody.' + +At this hint the crowd retired on all sides to a very respectful +distance, and left Ned, like the Duke of Devonshire, in a little +circle of his own. + +'But, Mr. Jennings,' said Nicholas Tulrumble, 'he'll be +suffocated.' + +'I'm very sorry for it, sir,' replied Mr. Jennings; 'but nobody can +get that armour off, without his own assistance. I'm quite certain +of it from the way he put it on.' + +Here Ned wept dolefully, and shook his helmeted head, in a manner +that might have touched a heart of stone; but the crowd had not +hearts of stone, and they laughed heartily. + +'Dear me, Mr. Jennings,' said Nicholas, turning pale at the +possibility of Ned's being smothered in his antique costume--'Dear +me, Mr. Jennings, can nothing be done with him?' + +'Nothing at all,' replied Ned, 'nothing at all. Gentlemen, I'm an +unhappy wretch. I'm a body, gentlemen, in a brass coffin.' At +this poetical idea of his own conjuring up, Ned cried so much that +the people began to get sympathetic, and to ask what Nicholas +Tulrumble meant by putting a man into such a machine as that; and +one individual in a hairy waistcoat like the top of a trunk, who +had previously expressed his opinion that if Ned hadn't been a poor +man, Nicholas wouldn't have dared do it, hinted at the propriety of +breaking the four-wheel chaise, or Nicholas's head, or both, which +last compound proposition the crowd seemed to consider a very good +notion. + +It was not acted upon, however, for it had hardly been broached, +when Ned Twigger's wife made her appearance abruptly in the little +circle before noticed, and Ned no sooner caught a glimpse of her +face and form, than from the mere force of habit he set off towards +his home just as fast as his legs could carry him; and that was not +very quick in the present instance either, for, however ready they +might have been to carry HIM, they couldn't get on very well under +the brass armour. So, Mrs. Twigger had plenty of time to denounce +Nicholas Tulrumble to his face: to express her opinion that he was +a decided monster; and to intimate that, if her ill-used husband +sustained any personal damage from the brass armour, she would have +the law of Nicholas Tulrumble for manslaughter. When she had said +all this with due vehemence, she posted after Ned, who was dragging +himself along as best he could, and deploring his unhappiness in +most dismal tones. + +What a wailing and screaming Ned's children raised when he got home +at last! Mrs. Twigger tried to undo the armour, first in one +place, and then in another, but she couldn't manage it; so she +tumbled Ned into bed, helmet, armour, gauntlets, and all. Such a +creaking as the bedstead made, under Ned's weight in his new suit! +It didn't break down though; and there Ned lay, like the anonymous +vessel in the Bay of Biscay, till next day, drinking barley-water, +and looking miserable: and every time he groaned, his good lady +said it served him right, which was all the consolation Ned Twigger +got. + +Nicholas Tulrumble and the gorgeous procession went on together to +the town-hall, amid the hisses and groans of all the spectators, +who had suddenly taken it into their heads to consider poor Ned a +martyr. Nicholas was formally installed in his new office, in +acknowledgment of which ceremony he delivered himself of a speech, +composed by the secretary, which was very long, and no doubt very +good, only the noise of the people outside prevented anybody from +hearing it, but Nicholas Tulrumble himself. After which, the +procession got back to Mudfog Hall any how it could; and Nicholas +and the corporation sat down to dinner. + +But the dinner was flat, and Nicholas was disappointed. They were +such dull sleepy old fellows, that corporation. Nicholas made +quite as long speeches as the Lord Mayor of London had done, nay, +he said the very same things that the Lord Mayor of London had +said, and the deuce a cheer the corporation gave him. There was +only one man in the party who was thoroughly awake; and he was +insolent, and called him Nick. Nick! What would be the +consequence, thought Nicholas, of anybody presuming to call the +Lord Mayor of London 'Nick!' He should like to know what the +sword-bearer would say to that; or the recorder, or the toast- +master, or any other of the great officers of the city. They'd +nick him. + +But these were not the worst of Nicholas Tulrumble's doings. If +they had been, he might have remained a Mayor to this day, and have +talked till he lost his voice. He contracted a relish for +statistics, and got philosophical; and the statistics and the +philosophy together, led him into an act which increased his +unpopularity and hastened his downfall. + +At the very end of the Mudfog High-street, and abutting on the +river-side, stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashioned low-roofed, +bay-windowed house, with a bar, kitchen, and tap-room all in one, +and a large fireplace with a kettle to correspond, round which the +working men have congregated time out of mind on a winter's night, +refreshed by draughts of good strong beer, and cheered by the +sounds of a fiddle and tambourine: the Jolly Boatmen having been +duly licensed by the Mayor and corporation, to scrape the fiddle +and thumb the tambourine from time, whereof the memory of the +oldest inhabitants goeth not to the contrary. Now Nicholas +Tulrumble had been reading pamphlets on crime, and parliamentary +reports,--or had made the secretary read them to him, which is the +same thing in effect,--and he at once perceived that this fiddle +and tambourine must have done more to demoralize Mudfog, than any +other operating causes that ingenuity could imagine. So he read up +for the subject, and determined to come out on the corporation with +a burst, the very next time the licence was applied for. + +The licensing day came, and the red-faced landlord of the Jolly +Boatmen walked into the town-hall, looking as jolly as need be, +having actually put on an extra fiddle for that night, to +commemorate the anniversary of the Jolly Boatmen's music licence. +It was applied for in due form, and was just about to be granted as +a matter of course, when up rose Nicholas Tulrumble, and drowned +the astonished corporation in a torrent of eloquence. He descanted +in glowing terms upon the increasing depravity of his native town +of Mudfog, and the excesses committed by its population. Then, he +related how shocked he had been, to see barrels of beer sliding +down into the cellar of the Jolly Boatmen week after week; and how +he had sat at a window opposite the Jolly Boatmen for two days +together, to count the people who went in for beer between the +hours of twelve and one o'clock alone--which, by-the-bye, was the +time at which the great majority of the Mudfog people dined. Then, +he went on to state, how the number of people who came out with +beer-jugs, averaged twenty-one in five minutes, which, being +multiplied by twelve, gave two hundred and fifty-two people with +beer-jugs in an hour, and multiplied again by fifteen (the number +of hours during which the house was open daily) yielded three +thousand seven hundred and eighty people with beer-jugs per day, or +twenty-six thousand four hundred and sixty people with beer-jugs, +per week. Then he proceeded to show that a tambourine and moral +degradation were synonymous terms, and a fiddle and vicious +propensities wholly inseparable. All these arguments he +strengthened and demonstrated by frequent references to a large +book with a blue cover, and sundry quotations from the Middlesex +magistrates; and in the end, the corporation, who were posed with +the figures, and sleepy with the speech, and sadly in want of +dinner into the bargain, yielded the palm to Nicholas Tulrumble, +and refused the music licence to the Jolly Boatmen. + +But although Nicholas triumphed, his triumph was short. He carried +on the war against beer-jugs and fiddles, forgetting the time when +he was glad to drink out of the one, and to dance to the other, +till the people hated, and his old friends shunned him. He grew +tired of the lonely magnificence of Mudfog Hall, and his heart +yearned towards the Lighterman's Arms. He wished he had never set +up as a public man, and sighed for the good old times of the coal- +shop, and the chimney corner. + +At length old Nicholas, being thoroughly miserable, took heart of +grace, paid the secretary a quarter's wages in advance, and packed +him off to London by the next coach. Having taken this step, he +put his hat on his head, and his pride in his pocket, and walked +down to the old room at the Lighterman's Arms. There were only two +of the old fellows there, and they looked coldly on Nicholas as he +proffered his hand. + +'Are you going to put down pipes, Mr. Tulrumble?' said one. + +'Or trace the progress of crime to 'bacca?' growled another. + +'Neither,' replied Nicholas Tulrumble, shaking hands with them +both, whether they would or not. 'I've come down to say that I'm +very sorry for having made a fool of myself, and that I hope you'll +give me up the old chair, again.' + +The old fellows opened their eyes, and three or four more old +fellows opened the door, to whom Nicholas, with tears in his eyes, +thrust out his hand too, and told the same story. They raised a +shout of joy, that made the bells in the ancient church-tower +vibrate again, and wheeling the old chair into the warm corner, +thrust old Nicholas down into it, and ordered in the very largest- +sized bowl of hot punch, with an unlimited number of pipes, +directly. + +The next day, the Jolly Boatmen got the licence, and the next +night, old Nicholas and Ned Twigger's wife led off a dance to the +music of the fiddle and tambourine, the tone of which seemed +mightily improved by a little rest, for they never had played so +merrily before. Ned Twigger was in the very height of his glory, +and he danced hornpipes, and balanced chairs on his chin, and +straws on his nose, till the whole company, including the +corporation, were in raptures of admiration at the brilliancy of +his acquirements. + +Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn't make up his mind to be anything but +magnificent, so he went up to London and drew bills on his father; +and when he had overdrawn, and got into debt, he grew penitent, and +came home again. + +As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, and having had six weeks of +public life, never tried it any more. He went to sleep in the +town-hall at the very next meeting; and, in full proof of his +sincerity, has requested us to write this faithful narrative. We +wish it could have the effect of reminding the Tulrumbles of +another sphere, that puffed-up conceit is not dignity, and that +snarling at the little pleasures they were once glad to enjoy, +because they would rather forget the times when they were of lower +station, renders them objects of contempt and ridicule. + +This is the first time we have published any of our gleanings from +this particular source. Perhaps, at some future period, we may +venture to open the chronicles of Mudfog. + + + +FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE +ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING + + + +We have made the most unparalleled and extraordinary exertions to +place before our readers a complete and accurate account of the +proceedings at the late grand meeting of the Mudfog Association, +holden in the town of Mudfog; it affords us great happiness to lay +the result before them, in the shape of various communications +received from our able, talented, and graphic correspondent, +expressly sent down for the purpose, who has immortalized us, +himself, Mudfog, and the association, all at one and the same time. +We have been, indeed, for some days unable to determine who will +transmit the greatest name to posterity; ourselves, who sent our +correspondent down; our correspondent, who wrote an account of the +matter; or the association, who gave our correspondent something to +write about. We rather incline to the opinion that we are the +greatest man of the party, inasmuch as the notion of an exclusive +and authentic report originated with us; this may be prejudice: it +may arise from a prepossession on our part in our own favour. Be +it so. We have no doubt that every gentleman concerned in this +mighty assemblage is troubled with the same complaint in a greater +or less degree; and it is a consolation to us to know that we have +at least this feeling in common with the great scientific stars, +the brilliant and extraordinary luminaries, whose speculations we +record. + +We give our correspondent's letters in the order in which they +reached us. Any attempt at amalgamating them into one beautiful +whole, would only destroy that glowing tone, that dash of wildness, +and rich vein of picturesque interest, which pervade them +throughout. + +'Mudfog, Monday night, seven o'clock. + +'We are in a state of great excitement here. Nothing is spoken of, +but the approaching meeting of the association. The inn-doors are +thronged with waiters anxiously looking for the expected arrivals; +and the numerous bills which are wafered up in the windows of +private houses, intimating that there are beds to let within, give +the streets a very animated and cheerful appearance, the wafers +being of a great variety of colours, and the monotony of printed +inscriptions being relieved by every possible size and style of +hand-writing. It is confidently rumoured that Professors Snore, +Doze, and Wheezy have engaged three beds and a sitting-room at the +Pig and Tinder-box. I give you the rumour as it has reached me; +but I cannot, as yet, vouch for its accuracy. The moment I have +been enabled to obtain any certain information upon this +interesting point, you may depend upon receiving it.' + +'Half-past seven. + +I have just returned from a personal interview with the landlord of +the Pig and Tinder-box. He speaks confidently of the probability +of Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy taking up their residence at +his house during the sitting of the association, but denies that +the beds have been yet engaged; in which representation he is +confirmed by the chambermaid--a girl of artless manners, and +interesting appearance. The boots denies that it is at all likely +that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will put up here; but I +have reason to believe that this man has been suborned by the +proprietor of the Original Pig, which is the opposition hotel. +Amidst such conflicting testimony it is difficult to arrive at the +real truth; but you may depend upon receiving authentic information +upon this point the moment the fact is ascertained. The excitement +still continues. A boy fell through the window of the pastrycook's +shop at the corner of the High-street about half an hour ago, which +has occasioned much confusion. The general impression is, that it +was an accident. Pray heaven it may prove so!' + +'Tuesday, noon. + +'At an early hour this morning the bells of all the churches struck +seven o'clock; the effect of which, in the present lively state of +the town, was extremely singular. While I was at breakfast, a +yellow gig, drawn by a dark grey horse, with a patch of white over +his right eyelid, proceeded at a rapid pace in the direction of the +Original Pig stables; it is currently reported that this gentleman +has arrived here for the purpose of attending the association, and, +from what I have heard, I consider it extremely probable, although +nothing decisive is yet known regarding him. You may conceive the +anxiety with which we are all looking forward to the arrival of the +four o'clock coach this afternoon. + +'Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no outrage has +yet been committed, owing to the admirable discipline and +discretion of the police, who are nowhere to be seen. A barrel- +organ is playing opposite my window, and groups of people, offering +fish and vegetables for sale, parade the streets. With these +exceptions everything is quiet, and I trust will continue so.' + +'Five o'clock. + +'It is now ascertained, beyond all doubt, that Professors Snore, +Doze, and Wheezy will NOT repair to the Pig and Tinder-box, but +have actually engaged apartments at the Original Pig. This +intelligence is EXCLUSIVE; and I leave you and your readers to draw +their own inferences from it. Why Professor Wheezy, of all people +in the world, should repair to the Original Pig in preference to +the Pig and Tinder-box, it is not easy to conceive. The professor +is a man who should be above all such petty feelings. Some people +here openly impute treachery, and a distinct breach of faith to +Professors Snore and Doze; while others, again, are disposed to +acquit them of any culpability in the transaction, and to insinuate +that the blame rests solely with Professor Wheezy. I own that I +incline to the latter opinion; and although it gives me great pain +to speak in terms of censure or disapprobation of a man of such +transcendent genius and acquirements, still I am bound to say that, +if my suspicions be well founded, and if all the reports which have +reached my ears be true, I really do not well know what to make of +the matter. + +'Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, arrived +this afternoon by the four o'clock stage. His complexion is a dark +purple, and he has a habit of sighing constantly. He looked +extremely well, and appeared in high health and spirits. Mr. +Woodensconce also came down in the same conveyance. The +distinguished gentleman was fast asleep on his arrival, and I am +informed by the guard that he had been so the whole way. He was, +no doubt, preparing for his approaching fatigues; but what gigantic +visions must those be that flit through the brain of such a man +when his body is in a state of torpidity! + +'The influx of visitors increases every moment. I am told (I know +not how truly) that two post-chaises have arrived at the Original +Pig within the last half-hour, and I myself observed a wheelbarrow, +containing three carpet bags and a bundle, entering the yard of the +Pig and Tinder-box no longer ago than five minutes since. The +people are still quietly pursuing their ordinary occupations; but +there is a wildness in their eyes, and an unwonted rigidity in the +muscles of their countenances, which shows to the observant +spectator that their expectations are strained to the very utmost +pitch. I fear, unless some very extraordinary arrivals take place +to-night, that consequences may arise from this popular ferment, +which every man of sense and feeling would deplore.' + +'Twenty minutes past six. + +'I have just heard that the boy who fell through the pastrycook's +window last night has died of the fright. He was suddenly called +upon to pay three and sixpence for the damage done, and his +constitution, it seems, was not strong enough to bear up against +the shock. The inquest, it is said, will be held to-morrow.' + +'Three-quarters part seven. + +'Professors Muff and Nogo have just driven up to the hotel door; +they at once ordered dinner with great condescension. We are all +very much delighted with the urbanity of their manners, and the +ease with which they adapt themselves to the forms and ceremonies +of ordinary life. Immediately on their arrival they sent for the +head waiter, and privately requested him to purchase a live dog,-- +as cheap a one as he could meet with,--and to send him up after +dinner, with a pie-board, a knife and fork, and a clean plate. It +is conjectured that some experiments will be tried upon the dog to- +night; if any particulars should transpire, I will forward them by +express.' + +'Half-past eight. + +'The animal has been procured. He is a pug-dog, of rather +intelligent appearance, in good condition, and with very short +legs. He has been tied to a curtain-peg in a dark room, and is +howling dreadfully.' + +'Ten minutes to nine. + +'The dog has just been rung for. With an instinct which would +appear almost the result of reason, the sagacious animal seized the +waiter by the calf of the leg when he approached to take him, and +made a desperate, though ineffectual resistance. I have not been +able to procure admission to the apartment occupied by the +scientific gentlemen; but, judging from the sounds which reached my +ears when I stood upon the landing-place outside the door, just +now, I should be disposed to say that the dog had retreated +growling beneath some article of furniture, and was keeping the +professors at bay. This conjecture is confirmed by the testimony +of the ostler, who, after peeping through the keyhole, assures me +that he distinctly saw Professor Nogo on his knees, holding forth a +small bottle of prussic acid, to which the animal, who was crouched +beneath an arm-chair, obstinately declined to smell. You cannot +imagine the feverish state of irritation we are in, lest the +interests of science should be sacrificed to the prejudices of a +brute creature, who is not endowed with sufficient sense to foresee +the incalculable benefits which the whole human race may derive +from so very slight a concession on his part.' + +'Nine o'clock. + +'The dog's tail and ears have been sent down-stairs to be washed; +from which circumstance we infer that the animal is no more. His +forelegs have been delivered to the boots to be brushed, which +strengthens the supposition.' + +'Half after ten. + +'My feelings are so overpowered by what has taken place in the +course of the last hour and a half, that I have scarcely strength +to detail the rapid succession of events which have quite +bewildered all those who are cognizant of their occurrence. It +appears that the pug-dog mentioned in my last was surreptitiously +obtained,--stolen, in fact,--by some person attached to the stable +department, from an unmarried lady resident in this town. Frantic +on discovering the loss of her favourite, the lady rushed +distractedly into the street, calling in the most heart-rending and +pathetic manner upon the passengers to restore her, her Augustus,-- +for so the deceased was named, in affectionate remembrance of a +former lover of his mistress, to whom he bore a striking personal +resemblance, which renders the circumstances additionally +affecting. I am not yet in a condition to inform you what +circumstance induced the bereaved lady to direct her steps to the +hotel which had witnessed the last struggles of her protege. I can +only state that she arrived there, at the very instant when his +detached members were passing through the passage on a small tray. +Her shrieks still reverberate in my ears! I grieve to say that the +expressive features of Professor Muff were much scratched and +lacerated by the injured lady; and that Professor Nogo, besides +sustaining several severe bites, has lost some handfuls of hair +from the same cause. It must be some consolation to these +gentlemen to know that their ardent attachment to scientific +pursuits has alone occasioned these unpleasant consequences; for +which the sympathy of a grateful country will sufficiently reward +them. The unfortunate lady remains at the Pig and Tinder-box, and +up to this time is reported in a very precarious state. + +'I need scarcely tell you that this unlooked-for catastrophe has +cast a damp and gloom upon us in the midst of our exhilaration; +natural in any case, but greatly enhanced in this, by the amiable +qualities of the deceased animal, who appears to have been much and +deservedly respected by the whole of his acquaintance.' + +'Twelve o'clock. + +'I take the last opportunity before sealing my parcel to inform you +that the boy who fell through the pastrycook's window is not dead, +as was universally believed, but alive and well. The report +appears to have had its origin in his mysterious disappearance. He +was found half an hour since on the premises of a sweet-stuff +maker, where a raffle had been announced for a second-hand seal- +skin cap and a tambourine; and where--a sufficient number of +members not having been obtained at first--he had patiently waited +until the list was completed. This fortunate discovery has in some +degree restored our gaiety and cheerfulness. It is proposed to get +up a subscription for him without delay. + +'Everybody is nervously anxious to see what to-morrow will bring +forth. If any one should arrive in the course of the night, I have +left strict directions to be called immediately. I should have sat +up, indeed, but the agitating events of this day have been too much +for me. + +'No news yet of either of the Professors Snore, Doze, or Wheezy. +It is very strange!' + +'Wednesday afternoon. + +'All is now over; and, upon one point at least, I am at length +enabled to set the minds of your readers at rest. The three +professors arrived at ten minutes after two o'clock, and, instead +of taking up their quarters at the Original Pig, as it was +universally understood in the course of yesterday that they would +assuredly have done, drove straight to the Pig and Tinder-box, +where they threw off the mask at once, and openly announced their +intention of remaining. Professor Wheezy may reconcile this very +extraordinary conduct with HIS notions of fair and equitable +dealing, but I would recommend Professor Wheezy to be cautious how +he presumes too far upon his well-earned reputation. How such a +man as Professor Snore, or, which is still more extraordinary, such +an individual as Professor Doze, can quietly allow himself to be +mixed up with such proceedings as these, you will naturally +inquire. Upon this head, rumour is silent; I have my speculations, +but forbear to give utterance to them just now.' + +'Four o'clock. + +'The town is filling fast; eighteenpence has been offered for a bed +and refused. Several gentlemen were under the necessity last night +of sleeping in the brick fields, and on the steps of doors, for +which they were taken before the magistrates in a body this +morning, and committed to prison as vagrants for various terms. +One of these persons I understand to be a highly-respectable +tinker, of great practical skill, who had forwarded a paper to the +President of Section D. Mechanical Science, on the construction of +pipkins with copper bottoms and safety-values, of which report +speaks highly. The incarceration of this gentleman is greatly to +be regretted, as his absence will preclude any discussion on the +subject. + +'The bills are being taken down in all directions, and lodgings are +being secured on almost any terms. I have heard of fifteen +shillings a week for two rooms, exclusive of coals and attendance, +but I can scarcely believe it. The excitement is dreadful. I was +informed this morning that the civil authorities, apprehensive of +some outbreak of popular feeling, had commanded a recruiting +sergeant and two corporals to be under arms; and that, with the +view of not irritating the people unnecessarily by their presence, +they had been requested to take up their position before daybreak +in a turnpike, distant about a quarter of a mile from the town. +The vigour and promptness of these measures cannot be too highly +extolled. + +'Intelligence has just been brought me, that an elderly female, in +a state of inebriety, has declared in the open street her intention +to "do" for Mr. Slug. Some statistical returns compiled by that +gentleman, relative to the consumption of raw spirituous liquors in +this place, are supposed to be the cause of the wretch's animosity. +It is added that this declaration was loudly cheered by a crowd of +persons who had assembled on the spot; and that one man had the +boldness to designate Mr. Slug aloud by the opprobrious epithet of +"Stick-in-the-mud!" It is earnestly to be hoped that now, when the +moment has arrived for their interference, the magistrates will not +shrink from the exercise of that power which is vested in them by +the constitution of our common country.' + +'Half-past ten. + +'The disturbance, I am happy to inform you, has been completely +quelled, and the ringleader taken into custody. She had a pail of +cold water thrown over her, previous to being locked up, and +expresses great contrition and uneasiness. We are all in a fever +of anticipation about to-morrow; but, now that we are within a few +hours of the meeting of the association, and at last enjoy the +proud consciousness of having its illustrious members amongst us, I +trust and hope everything may go off peaceably. I shall send you a +full report of to-morrow's proceedings by the night coach.' + +'Eleven o'clock. + +'I open my letter to say that nothing whatever has occurred since I +folded it up.' + +'Thursday. + +'The sun rose this morning at the usual hour. I did not observe +anything particular in the aspect of the glorious planet, except +that he appeared to me (it might have been a delusion of my +heightened fancy) to shine with more than common brilliancy, and to +shed a refulgent lustre upon the town, such as I had never observed +before. This is the more extraordinary, as the sky was perfectly +cloudless, and the atmosphere peculiarly fine. At half-past nine +o'clock the general committee assembled, with the last year's +president in the chair. The report of the council was read; and +one passage, which stated that the council had corresponded with no +less than three thousand five hundred and seventy-one persons, (all +of whom paid their own postage,) on no fewer than seven thousand +two hundred and forty-three topics, was received with a degree of +enthusiasm which no efforts could suppress. The various committees +and sections having been appointed, and the more formal business +transacted, the great proceedings of the meeting commenced at +eleven o'clock precisely. I had the happiness of occupying a most +eligible position at that time, in + + +'SECTION A.--ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. +GREAT ROOM, PIG AND TINDER-BOX. + + +President--Professor Snore. Vice-Presidents--Professors Doze and +Wheezy. + +'The scene at this moment was particularly striking. The sun +streamed through the windows of the apartments, and tinted the +whole scene with its brilliant rays, bringing out in strong relief +the noble visages of the professors and scientific gentlemen, who, +some with bald heads, some with red heads, some with brown heads, +some with grey heads, some with black heads, some with block heads, +presented a coup d'oeil which no eye-witness will readily forget. +In front of these gentlemen were papers and inkstands; and round +the room, on elevated benches extending as far as the forms could +reach, were assembled a brilliant concourse of those lovely and +elegant women for which Mudfog is justly acknowledged to be without +a rival in the whole world. The contrast between their fair faces +and the dark coats and trousers of the scientific gentlemen I shall +never cease to remember while Memory holds her seat. + +'Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, occasioned by the +falling down of the greater part of the platforms, to subside, the +president called on one of the secretaries to read a communication +entitled, "Some remarks on the industrious fleas, with +considerations on the importance of establishing infant-schools +among that numerous class of society; of directing their industry +to useful and practical ends; and of applying the surplus fruits +thereof, towards providing for them a comfortable and respectable +maintenance in their old age." + +'The author stated, that, having long turned his attention to the +moral and social condition of these interesting animals, he had +been induced to visit an exhibition in Regent-street, London, +commonly known by the designation of "The Industrious Fleas." He +had there seen many fleas, occupied certainly in various pursuits +and avocations, but occupied, he was bound to add, in a manner +which no man of well-regulated mind could fail to regard with +sorrow and regret. One flea, reduced to the level of a beast of +burden, was drawing about a miniature gig, containing a +particularly small effigy of His Grace the Duke of Wellington; +while another was staggering beneath the weight of a golden model +of his great adversary Napoleon Bonaparte. Some, brought up as +mountebanks and ballet-dancers, were performing a figure-dance (he +regretted to observe, that, of the fleas so employed, several were +females); others were in training, in a small card-board box, for +pedestrians,--mere sporting characters--and two were actually +engaged in the cold-blooded and barbarous occupation of duelling; a +pursuit from which humanity recoiled with horror and disgust. He +suggested that measures should be immediately taken to employ the +labour of these fleas as part and parcel of the productive power of +the country, which might easily be done by the establishment among +them of infant schools and houses of industry, in which a system of +virtuous education, based upon sound principles, should be +observed, and moral precepts strictly inculcated. He proposed that +every flea who presumed to exhibit, for hire, music, or dancing, or +any species of theatrical entertainment, without a licence, should +be considered a vagabond, and treated accordingly; in which respect +he only placed him upon a level with the rest of mankind. He would +further suggest that their labour should be placed under the +control and regulation of the state, who should set apart from the +profits, a fund for the support of superannuated or disabled fleas, +their widows and orphans. With this view, he proposed that liberal +premiums should be offered for the three best designs for a general +almshouse; from which--as insect architecture was well known to be +in a very advanced and perfect state--we might possibly derive many +valuable hints for the improvement of our metropolitan +universities, national galleries, and other public edifices. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to be informed how the ingenious gentleman +proposed to open a communication with fleas generally, in the first +instance, so that they might be thoroughly imbued with a sense of +the advantages they must necessarily derive from changing their +mode of life, and applying themselves to honest labour. This +appeared to him, the only difficulty. + +'THE AUTHOR submitted that this difficulty was easily overcome, or +rather that there was no difficulty at all in the case. Obviously +the course to be pursued, if Her Majesty's government could be +prevailed upon to take up the plan, would be, to secure at a +remunerative salary the individual to whom he had alluded as +presiding over the exhibition in Regent-street at the period of his +visit. That gentleman would at once be able to put himself in +communication with the mass of the fleas, and to instruct them in +pursuance of some general plan of education, to be sanctioned by +Parliament, until such time as the more intelligent among them were +advanced enough to officiate as teachers to the rest. + +'The President and several members of the section highly +complimented the author of the paper last read, on his most +ingenious and important treatise. It was determined that the +subject should be recommended to the immediate consideration of the +council. + +'MR. WIGSBY produced a cauliflower somewhat larger than a chaise- +umbrella, which had been raised by no other artificial means than +the simple application of highly carbonated soda-water as manure. +He explained that by scooping out the head, which would afford a +new and delicious species of nourishment for the poor, a parachute, +in principle something similar to that constructed by M. Garnerin, +was at once obtained; the stalk of course being kept downwards. He +added that he was perfectly willing to make a descent from a height +of not less than three miles and a quarter; and had in fact already +proposed the same to the proprietors of Vauxhall Gardens, who in +the handsomest manner at once consented to his wishes, and +appointed an early day next summer for the undertaking; merely +stipulating that the rim of the cauliflower should be previously +broken in three or four places to ensure the safety of the descent. + +'THE PRESIDENT congratulated the public on the grand gala in store +for them, and warmly eulogised the proprietors of the establishment +alluded to, for their love of science, and regard for the safety of +human life, both of which did them the highest honour. + +'A Member wished to know how many thousand additional lamps the +royal property would be illuminated with, on the night after the +descent. + +'MR. WIGSBY replied that the point was not yet finally decided; but +he believed it was proposed, over and above the ordinary +illuminations, to exhibit in various devices eight millions and a- +half of additional lamps. + +'The Member expressed himself much gratified with this +announcement. + +'MR. BLUNDERUM delighted the section with a most interesting and +valuable paper "on the last moments of the learned pig," which +produced a very strong impression on the assembly, the account +being compiled from the personal recollections of his favourite +attendant. The account stated in the most emphatic terms that the +animal's name was not Toby, but Solomon; and distinctly proved that +he could have no near relatives in the profession, as many +designing persons had falsely stated, inasmuch as his father, +mother, brothers and sisters, had all fallen victims to the butcher +at different times. An uncle of his indeed, had with very great +labour been traced to a sty in Somers Town; but as he was in a very +infirm state at the time, being afflicted with measles, and shortly +afterwards disappeared, there appeared too much reason to +conjecture that he had been converted into sausages. The disorder +of the learned pig was originally a severe cold, which, being +aggravated by excessive trough indulgence, finally settled upon the +lungs, and terminated in a general decay of the constitution. A +melancholy instance of a presentiment entertained by the animal of +his approaching dissolution, was recorded. After gratifying a +numerous and fashionable company with his performances, in which no +falling off whatever was visible, he fixed his eyes on the +biographer, and, turning to the watch which lay on the floor, and +on which he was accustomed to point out the hour, deliberately +passed his snout twice round the dial. In precisely four-and- +twenty hours from that time he had ceased to exist! + +'PROFESSOR WHEEZY inquired whether, previous to his demise, the +animal had expressed, by signs or otherwise, any wishes regarding +the disposal of his little property. + +'MR. BLUNDERUM replied, that, when the biographer took up the pack +of cards at the conclusion of the performance, the animal grunted +several times in a significant manner, and nodding his head as he +was accustomed to do, when gratified. From these gestures it was +understood that he wished the attendant to keep the cards, which he +had ever since done. He had not expressed any wish relative to his +watch, which had accordingly been pawned by the same individual. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any Member of the section had +ever seen or conversed with the pig-faced lady, who was reported to +have worn a black velvet mask, and to have taken her meals from a +golden trough. + +'After some hesitation a Member replied that the pig-faced lady was +his mother-in-law, and that he trusted the President would not +violate the sanctity of private life. + +'THE PRESIDENT begged pardon. He had considered the pig-faced lady +a public character. Would the honourable member object to state, +with a view to the advancement of science, whether she was in any +way connected with the learned pig? + +'The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the question +appeared to involve a suspicion that the learned pig might be his +half-brother, he must decline answering it. + + +'SECTION B.--ANATOMY AND MEDICINE. +COACH-HOUSE, PIG AND TINDER-BOX. + + +President--Dr. Toorell. Vice-Presidents--Professors Muff and Nogo. + +DR. KUTANKUMAGEN (of Moscow) read to the section a report of a case +which had occurred within his own practice, strikingly illustrative +of the power of medicine, as exemplified in his successful +treatment of a virulent disorder. He had been called in to visit +the patient on the 1st of April, 1837. He was then labouring under +symptoms peculiarly alarming to any medical man. His frame was +stout and muscular, his step firm and elastic, his cheeks plump and +red, his voice loud, his appetite good, his pulse full and round. +He was in the constant habit of eating three meals per diem, and of +drinking at least one bottle of wine, and one glass of spirituous +liquors diluted with water, in the course of the four-and-twenty +hours. He laughed constantly, and in so hearty a manner that it +was terrible to hear him. By dint of powerful medicine, low diet, +and bleeding, the symptoms in the course of three days perceptibly +decreased. A rigid perseverance in the same course of treatment +for only one week, accompanied with small doses of water-gruel, +weak broth, and barley-water, led to their entire disappearance. +In the course of a month he was sufficiently recovered to be +carried down-stairs by two nurses, and to enjoy an airing in a +close carriage, supported by soft pillows. At the present moment +he was restored so far as to walk about, with the slight assistance +of a crutch and a boy. It would perhaps be gratifying to the +section to learn that he ate little, drank little, slept little, +and was never heard to laugh by any accident whatever. + +'DR. W. R. FEE, in complimenting the honourable member upon the +triumphant cure he had effected, begged to ask whether the patient +still bled freely? + +'DR. KUTANKUMAGEN replied in the affirmative. + +'DR. W. R. FEE.--And you found that he bled freely during the whole +course of the disorder? + +'DR. KUTANKUMAGEN.--Oh dear, yes; most freely. + +'DR. NEESHAWTS supposed, that if the patient had not submitted to +be bled with great readiness and perseverance, so extraordinary a +cure could never, in fact, have been accomplished. Dr. +Kutankumagen rejoined, certainly not. + +'MR. KNIGHT BELL (M.R.C.S.) exhibited a wax preparation of the +interior of a gentleman who in early life had inadvertently +swallowed a door-key. It was a curious fact that a medical student +of dissipated habits, being present at the post mortem examination, +found means to escape unobserved from the room, with that portion +of the coats of the stomach upon which an exact model of the +instrument was distinctly impressed, with which he hastened to a +locksmith of doubtful character, who made a new key from the +pattern so shown to him. With this key the medical student entered +the house of the deceased gentleman, and committed a burglary to a +large amount, for which he was subsequently tried and executed. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to know what became of the original key after +the lapse of years. Mr. Knight Bell replied that the gentleman was +always much accustomed to punch, and it was supposed the acid had +gradually devoured it. + +'DR. NEESHAWTS and several of the members were of opinion that the +key must have lain very cold and heavy upon the gentleman's +stomach. + +'MR. KNIGHT BELL believed it did at first. It was worthy of +remark, perhaps, that for some years the gentleman was troubled +with a night-mare, under the influence of which he always imagined +himself a wine-cellar door. + +'PROFESSOR MUFF related a very extraordinary and convincing proof +of the wonderful efficacy of the system of infinitesimal doses, +which the section were doubtless aware was based upon the theory +that the very minutest amount of any given drug, properly dispersed +through the human frame, would be productive of precisely the same +result as a very large dose administered in the usual manner. +Thus, the fortieth part of a grain of calomel was supposed to be +equal to a five-grain calomel pill, and so on in proportion +throughout the whole range of medicine. He had tried the +experiment in a curious manner upon a publican who had been brought +into the hospital with a broken head, and was cured upon the +infinitesimal system in the incredibly short space of three months. +This man was a hard drinker. He (Professor Muff) had dispersed +three drops of rum through a bucket of water, and requested the man +to drink the whole. What was the result? Before he had drunk a +quart, he was in a state of beastly intoxication; and five other +men were made dead drunk with the remainder. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether an infinitesimal dose of +soda-water would have recovered them? Professor Muff replied that +the twenty-fifth part of a teaspoonful, properly administered to +each patient, would have sobered him immediately. The President +remarked that this was a most important discovery, and he hoped the +Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen would patronize it immediately. + +'A Member begged to be informed whether it would be possible to +administer--say, the twentieth part of a grain of bread and cheese +to all grown-up paupers, and the fortieth part to children, with +the same satisfying effect as their present allowance. + +'PROFESSOR MUFF was willing to stake his professional reputation on +the perfect adequacy of such a quantity of food to the support of +human life--in workhouses; the addition of the fifteenth part of a +grain of pudding twice a week would render it a high diet. + +'PROFESSOR NOGO called the attention of the section to a very +extraordinary case of animal magnetism. A private watchman, being +merely looked at by the operator from the opposite side of a wide +street, was at once observed to be in a very drowsy and languid +state. He was followed to his box, and being once slightly rubbed +on the palms of the hands, fell into a sound sleep, in which he +continued without intermission for ten hours. + + + +'SECTION C.--STATISTICS. +HAY-LOFT, ORIGINAL PIG. + +President--Mr. Woodensconce. Vice-Presidents--Mr. Ledbrain and Mr. +Timbered. + +'MR. SLUG stated to the section the result of some calculations he +had made with great difficulty and labour, regarding the state of +infant education among the middle classes of London. He found +that, within a circle of three miles from the Elephant and Castle, +the following were the names and numbers of children's books +principally in circulation:- + + +'Jack the Giant-killer 7,943 +Ditto and Bean-stalk 8,621 +Ditto and Eleven Brothers 2,845 +Ditto and Jill 1,998 +Total 21,407 + + +'He found that the proportion of Robinson Crusoes to Philip Quarlls +was as four and a half to one; and that the preponderance of +Valentine and Orsons over Goody Two Shoeses was as three and an +eighth of the former to half a one of the latter; a comparison of +Seven Champions with Simple Simons gave the same result. The +ignorance that prevailed, was lamentable. One child, on being +asked whether he would rather be Saint George of England or a +respectable tallow-chandler, instantly replied, "Taint George of +Ingling." Another, a little boy of eight years old, was found to +be firmly impressed with a belief in the existence of dragons, and +openly stated that it was his intention when he grew up, to rush +forth sword in hand for the deliverance of captive princesses, and +the promiscuous slaughter of giants. Not one child among the +number interrogated had ever heard of Mungo Park,--some inquiring +whether he was at all connected with the black man that swept the +crossing; and others whether he was in any way related to the +Regent's Park. They had not the slightest conception of the +commonest principles of mathematics, and considered Sindbad the +Sailor the most enterprising voyager that the world had ever +produced. + +'A Member strongly deprecating the use of all the other books +mentioned, suggested that Jack and Jill might perhaps be exempted +from the general censure, inasmuch as the hero and heroine, in the +very outset of the tale, were depicted as going UP a hill to fetch +a pail of water, which was a laborious and useful occupation,-- +supposing the family linen was being washed, for instance. + +'MR. SLUG feared that the moral effect of this passage was more +than counterbalanced by another in a subsequent part of the poem, +in which very gross allusion was made to the mode in which the +heroine was personally chastised by her mother + + +"'For laughing at Jack's disaster;" + + +besides, the whole work had this one great fault, IT WAS NOT TRUE. + +'THE PRESIDENT complimented the honourable member on the excellent +distinction he had drawn. Several other Members, too, dwelt upon +the immense and urgent necessity of storing the minds of children +with nothing but facts and figures; which process the President +very forcibly remarked, had made them (the section) the men they +were. + +'MR. SLUG then stated some curious calculations respecting the +dogs'-meat barrows of London. He found that the total number of +small carts and barrows engaged in dispensing provision to the cats +and dogs of the metropolis was, one thousand seven hundred and +forty-three. The average number of skewers delivered daily with +the provender, by each dogs'-meat cart or barrow, was thirty-six. +Now, multiplying the number of skewers so delivered by the number +of barrows, a total of sixty-two thousand seven hundred and forty- +eight skewers daily would be obtained. Allowing that, of these +sixty-two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers, the odd +two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight were accidentally +devoured with the meat, by the most voracious of the animals +supplied, it followed that sixty thousand skewers per day, or the +enormous number of twenty-one millions nine hundred thousand +skewers annually, were wasted in the kennels and dustholes of +London; which, if collected and warehoused, would in ten years' +time afford a mass of timber more than sufficient for the +construction of a first-rate vessel of war for the use of her +Majesty's navy, to be called "The Royal Skewer," and to become +under that name the terror of all the enemies of this island. + +'MR. X. LEDBRAIN read a very ingenious communication, from which it +appeared that the total number of legs belonging to the +manufacturing population of one great town in Yorkshire was, in +round numbers, forty thousand, while the total number of chair and +stool legs in their houses was only thirty thousand, which, upon +the very favourable average of three legs to a seat, yielded only +ten thousand seats in all. From this calculation it would appear,- +-not taking wooden or cork legs into the account, but allowing two +legs to every person,--that ten thousand individuals (one-half of +the whole population) were either destitute of any rest for their +legs at all, or passed the whole of their leisure time in sitting +upon boxes. + + +'SECTION D.--MECHANICAL SCIENCE. +COACH-HOUSE, ORIGINAL PIG. + + +President--Mr. Carter. Vice-Presidents--Mr. Truck and Mr. Waghorn. + +'PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK exhibited an elegant model of a portable +railway, neatly mounted in a green case, for the waistcoat pocket. +By attaching this beautiful instrument to his boots, any Bank or +public-office clerk could transport himself from his place of +residence to his place of business, at the easy rate of sixty-five +miles an hour, which, to gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would be +an incalculable advantage. + +'THE PRESIDENT was desirous of knowing whether it was necessary to +have a level surface on which the gentleman was to run. + +'PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK explained that City gentlemen would run in +trains, being handcuffed together to prevent confusion or +unpleasantness. For instance, trains would start every morning at +eight, nine, and ten o'clock, from Camden Town, Islington, +Camberwell, Hackney, and various other places in which City +gentlemen are accustomed to reside. It would be necessary to have +a level, but he had provided for this difficulty by proposing that +the best line that the circumstances would admit of, should be +taken through the sewers which undermine the streets of the +metropolis, and which, well lighted by jets from the gas pipes +which run immediately above them, would form a pleasant and +commodious arcade, especially in winter-time, when the inconvenient +custom of carrying umbrellas, now so general, could be wholly +dispensed with. In reply to another question, Professor Queerspeck +stated that no substitute for the purposes to which these arcades +were at present devoted had yet occurred to him, but that he hoped +no fanciful objection on this head would be allowed to interfere +with so great an undertaking. + +'MR. JOBBA produced a forcing-machine on a novel plan, for bringing +joint-stock railway shares prematurely to a premium. The +instrument was in the form of an elegant gilt weather-glass, of +most dazzling appearance, and was worked behind, by strings, after +the manner of a pantomime trick, the strings being always pulled by +the directors of the company to which the machine belonged. The +quicksilver was so ingeniously placed, that when the acting +directors held shares in their pockets, figures denoting very small +expenses and very large returns appeared upon the glass; but the +moment the directors parted with these pieces of paper, the +estimate of needful expenditure suddenly increased itself to an +immense extent, while the statements of certain profits became +reduced in the same proportion. Mr. Jobba stated that the machine +had been in constant requisition for some months past, and he had +never once known it to fail. + +'A Member expressed his opinion that it was extremely neat and +pretty. He wished to know whether it was not liable to accidental +derangement? Mr. Jobba said that the whole machine was undoubtedly +liable to be blown up, but that was the only objection to it. + +'PROFESSOR NOGO arrived from the anatomical section to exhibit a +model of a safety fire-escape, which could be fixed at any time, in +less than half an hour, and by means of which, the youngest or most +infirm persons (successfully resisting the progress of the flames +until it was quite ready) could be preserved if they merely +balanced themselves for a few minutes on the sill of their bedroom +window, and got into the escape without falling into the street. +The Professor stated that the number of boys who had been rescued +in the daytime by this machine from houses which were not on fire, +was almost incredible. Not a conflagration had occurred in the +whole of London for many months past to which the escape had not +been carried on the very next day, and put in action before a +concourse of persons. + +'THE PRESIDENT inquired whether there was not some difficulty in +ascertaining which was the top of the machine, and which the +bottom, in cases of pressing emergency. + +'PROFESSOR NOGO explained that of course it could not be expected +to act quite as well when there was a fire, as when there was not a +fire; but in the former case he thought it would be of equal +service whether the top were up or down.' + + +With the last section our correspondent concludes his most able and +faithful Report, which will never cease to reflect credit upon him +for his scientific attainments, and upon us for our enterprising +spirit. It is needless to take a review of the subjects which have +been discussed; of the mode in which they have been examined; of +the great truths which they have elicited. They are now before the +world, and we leave them to read, to consider, and to profit. + +The place of meeting for next year has undergone discussion, and +has at length been decided, regard being had to, and evidence being +taken upon, the goodness of its wines, the supply of its markets, +the hospitality of its inhabitants, and the quality of its hotels. +We hope at this next meeting our correspondent may again be +present, and that we may be once more the means of placing his +communications before the world. Until that period we have been +prevailed upon to allow this number of our Miscellany to be +retailed to the public, or wholesaled to the trade, without any +advance upon our usual price. + +We have only to add, that the committees are now broken up, and +that Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed tranquillity,- +-that Professors and Members have had balls, and soirees, and +suppers, and great mutual complimentations, and have at length +dispersed to their several homes,--whither all good wishes and joys +attend them, until next year! + +Signed BOZ. + + + +FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE +ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING + + + +In October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of recording, +at an enormous expense, and by dint of exertions unnpralleled in +the history of periodical publication, the proceedings of the +Mudfog Association for the Advancement of Everything, which in that +month held its first great half-yearly meeting, to the wonder and +delight of the whole empire. We announced at the conclusion of +that extraordinary and most remarkable Report, that when the Second +Meeting of the Society should take place, we should be found again +at our post, renewing our gigantic and spirited endeavours, and +once more making the world ring with the accuracy, authenticity, +immeasurable superiority, and intense remarkability of our account +of its proceedings. In redemption of this pledge, we caused to be +despatched per steam to Oldcastle (at which place this second +meeting of the Society was held on the 20th instant), the same +superhumanly-endowed gentleman who furnished the former report, and +who,--gifted by nature with transcendent abilities, and furnished +by us with a body of assistants scarcely inferior to himself,--has +forwarded a series of letters, which, for faithfulness of +description, power of language, fervour of thought, happiness of +expression, and importance of subject-matter, have no equal in the +epistolary literature of any age or country. We give this +gentleman's correspondence entire, and in the order in which it +reached our office. + +'Saloon of Steamer, Thursday night, half-past eight. + +'When I left New Burlington Street this evening in the hackney +cabriolet, number four thousand two hundred and eighty-five, I +experienced sensations as novel as they were oppressive. A sense +of the importance of the task I had undertaken, a consciousness +that I was leaving London, and, stranger still, going somewhere +else, a feeling of loneliness and a sensation of jolting, quite +bewildered my thoughts, and for a time rendered me even insensible +to the presence of my carpet-bag and hat-box. I shall ever feel +grateful to the driver of a Blackwall omnibus who, by thrusting the +pole of his vehicle through the small door of the cabriolet, +awakened me from a tumult of imaginings that are wholly +indescribable. But of such materials is our imperfect nature +composed! + +'I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, and +shall thus be enabled to give you an account of all that happens in +the order of its occurrence. The chimney is smoking a good deal, +and so are the crew; and the captain, I am informed, is very drunk +in a little house upon deck, something like a black turnpike. I +should infer from all I hear that he has got the steam up. + +'You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made the +discovery that my berth is in the same closet with those engaged by +Professor Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor Grime. Professor +Woodensconce has taken the shelf above me, and Mr. Slug and +Professor Grime the two shelves opposite. Their luggage has +already arrived. On Mr. Slug's bed is a long tin tube of about +three inches in diameter, carefully closed at both ends. What can +this contain? Some powerful instrument of a new construction, +doubtless.' + +'Ten minutes past nine. + +'Nobody has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh come in my way +except several joints of beef and mutton, from which I conclude +that a good plain dinner has been provided for to-morrow. There is +a singular smell below, which gave me some uneasiness at first; but +as the steward says it is always there, and never goes away, I am +quite comfortable again. I learn from this man that the different +sections will be distributed at the Black Boy and Stomach-ache, and +the Boot-jack and Countenance. If this intelligence be true (and I +have no reason to doubt it), your readers will draw such +conclusions as their different opinions may suggest. + +'I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as the facts +come to my knowledge, in order that my first impressions may lose +nothing of their original vividness. I shall despatch them in +small packets as opportunities arise.' + +'Half past nine. + +'Some dark object has just appeared upon the wharf. I think it is +a travelling carriage.' + +'A quarter to ten. + +'No, it isn't.' + +'Half-past ten. + +The passengers are pouring in every instant. Four omnibuses full +have just arrived upon the wharf, and all is bustle and activity. +The noise and confusion are very great. Cloths are laid in the +cabins, and the steward is placing blue plates--full of knobs of +cheese at equal distances down the centre of the tables. He drops +a great many knobs; but, being used to it, picks them up again with +great dexterity, and, after wiping them on his sleeve, throws them +back into the plates. He is a young man of exceedingly +prepossessing appearance--either dirty or a mulatto, but I think +the former. + +'An interesting old gentleman, who came to the wharf in an omnibus, +has just quarrelled violently with the porters, and is staggering +towards the vessel with a large trunk in his arms. I trust and +hope that he may reach it in safety; but the board he has to cross +is narrow and slippery. Was that a splash? Gracious powers! + +'I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is standing upon +the extreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentleman is nowhere to +be seen. The watchman is not sure whether he went down or not, but +promises to drag for him the first thing to-morrow morning. May +his humane efforts prove successful! + +'Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his nightcap on under +his hat. He has ordered a glass of cold brandy and water, with a +hard biscuit and a basin, and has gone straight to bed. What can +this mean? + +'The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have already +alluded have come on board, and have all tried their beds, with the +exception of Professor Woodensconce, who sleeps in one of the top +ones, and can't get into it. Mr. Slug, who sleeps in the other top +one, is unable to get out of his, and is to have his supper handed +up by a boy. I have had the honour to introduce myself to these +gentlemen, and we have amicably arranged the order in which we +shall retire to rest; which it is necessary to agree upon, because, +although the cabin is very comfortable, there is not room for more +than one gentleman to be out of bed at a time, and even he must +take his boots off in the passage. + +'As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for the +passengers' supper, and are now in course of consumption. Your +readers will be surprised to hear that Professor Woodensconce has +abstained from cheese for eight years, although he takes butter in +considerable quantities. Professor Grime having lost several +teeth, is unable, I observe, to eat his crusts without previously +soaking them in his bottled porter. How interesting are these +peculiarities!' + +'Half-past eleven. + +'Professors Woodensconce and Grime, with a degree of good humour +that delights us all, have just arranged to toss for a bottle of +mulled port. There has been some discussion whether the payment +should be decided by the first toss or the best out of three. +Eventually the latter course has been determined on. Deeply do I +wish that both gentlemen could win; but that being impossible, I +own that my personal aspirations (I speak as an individual, and do +not compromise either you or your readers by this expression of +feeling) are with Professor Woodensconce. I have backed that +gentleman to the amount of eighteenpence.' + +'Twenty minutes to twelve. + +'Professor Grime has inadvertently tossed his half-crown out of one +of the cabin-windows, and it has been arranged that the steward +shall toss for him. Bets are offered on any side to any amount, +but there are no takers. + +'Professor Woodensconce has just called "woman;" but the coin +having lodged in a beam, is a long time coming down again. The +interest and suspense of this one moment are beyond anything that +can be imagined.' + +'Twelve o'clock. + +'The mulled port is smoking on the table before me, and Professor +Grime has won. Tossing is a game of chance; but on every ground, +whether of public or private character, intellectual endowments, or +scientific attainments, I cannot help expressing my opinion that +Professor Woodensconce OUGHT to have come off victorious. There is +an exultation about Professor Grime incompatible, I fear, with true +greatness.' + +'A quarter past twelve. + +'Professor Grime continues to exult, and to boast of his victory in +no very measured terms, observing that he always does win, and that +he knew it would be a "head" beforehand, with many other remarks of +a similar nature. Surely this gentleman is not so lost to every +feeling of decency and propriety as not to feel and know the +superiority of Professor Woodensconce? Is Professor Grime insane? +or does he wish to be reminded in plain language of his true +position in society, and the precise level of his acquirements and +abilities? Professor Grime will do well to look to this.' + +'One o'clock. + +'I am writing in bed. The small cabin is illuminated by the feeble +light of a flickering lamp suspended from the ceiling; Professor +Grime is lying on the opposite shelf on the broad of his back, with +his mouth wide open. The scene is indescribably solemn. The +rippling of the tide, the noise of the sailors' feet overhead, the +gruff voices on the river, the dogs on the shore, the snoring of +the passengers, and a constant creaking of every plank in the +vessel, are the only sounds that meet the ear. With these +exceptions, all is profound silence. + +'My curiosity has been within the last moment very much excited. +Mr. Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has cautiously withdrawn +the curtains of his berth, and, after looking anxiously out, as if +to satisfy himself that his companions are asleep, has taken up the +tin tube of which I have before spoken, and is regarding it with +great interest. What rare mechanical combination can be contained +in that mysterious case? It is evidently a profound secret to +all.' + +'A quarter past one. + +'The behaviour of Mr. Slug grows more and more mysterious. He has +unscrewed the top of the tube, and now renews his observations upon +his companions, evidently to make sure that he is wholly +unobserved. He is clearly on the eve of some great experiment. +Pray heaven that it be not a dangerous one; but the interests of +science must be promoted, and I am prepared for the worst.' + +'Five minutes later. + +'He has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll of some +substance, not unlike parchment in appearance, from the tin case. +The experiment is about to begin. I must strain my eyes to the +utmost, in the attempt to follow its minutest operation.' + +'Twenty minutes before two. + +'I have at length been enabled to ascertain that the tin tube +contains a few yards of some celebrated plaster, recommended--as I +discover on regarding the label attentively through my eye-glass-- +as a preservative against sea-sickness. Mr. Slug has cut it up +into small portions, and is now sticking it over himself in every +direction.' + +'Three o'clock. + +'Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor, and the +machinery was suddenly put in motion with a noise so appalling, +that Professor Woodensconce (who had ascended to his berth by means +of a platform of carpet-bags arranged by himself on geometrical +principals) darted from his shelf head foremost, and, gaining his +feet with all the rapidity of extreme terror, ran wildly into the +ladies' cabin, under the impression that we were sinking, and +uttering loud cries for aid. I am assured that the scene which +ensued baffles all description. There were one hundred and forty- +seven ladies in their respective berths at the time. + +'Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the extreme +ingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes of navigation, +that in whatever part of the vessel a passenger's berth may be +situated, the machinery always appears to be exactly under his +pillow. He intends stating this very beautiful, though simple +discovery, to the association.' + +'Half-past ten. + +'We are still in smooth water; that is to say, in as smooth water +as a steam-vessel ever can be, for, as Professor Woodensconce (who +has just woke up) learnedly remarks, another great point of +ingenuity about a steamer is, that it always carries a little storm +with it. You can scarcely conceive how exciting the jerking +pulsation of the ship becomes. It is a matter of positive +difficulty to get to sleep.' + +'Friday afternoon, six o'clock. + +'I regret to inform you that Mr. Slug's plaster has proved of no +avail. He is in great agony, but has applied several large, +additional pieces notwithstanding. How affecting is this extreme +devotion to science and pursuit of knowledge under the most trying +circumstances! + +'We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast was one of +the most animated description. Nothing unpleasant occurred until +noon, with the exception of Doctor Foxey's brown silk umbrella and +white hat becoming entangled in the machinery while he was +explaining to a knot of ladies the construction of the steam- +engine. I fear the gravy soup for lunch was injudicious. We lost +a great many passengers almost immediately afterwards.' + +'Half-past six. + +'I am again in bed. Anything so heart-rending as Mr. Slug's +sufferings it has never yet been my lot to witness.' + +'Seven o'clock. + +'A messenger has just come down for a clean pocket-handkerchief +from Professor Woodensconce's bag, that unfortunate gentleman being +quite unable to leave the deck, and imploring constantly to be +thrown overboard. From this man I understand that Professor Nogo, +though in a state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the hard +biscuit and cold brandy and water, under the impression that they +will yet restore him. Such is the triumph of mind over matter. + +'Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite well; but he +WILL eat, and it is disagreeable to see him. Has this gentleman no +sympathy with the sufferings of his fellow-creatures? If he has, +on what principle can he call for mutton-chops--and smile?' + +'Black Boy and Stomach-ache, Oldcastle, Saturday noon. + +'You will be happy to learn that I have at length arrived here in +safety. The town is excessively crowded, and all the private +lodgings and hotels are filled with savans of both sexes. The +tremendous assemblage of intellect that one encounters in every +street is in the last degree overwhelming. + +'Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been fortunate +enough to meet with very comfortable accommodation on very +reasonable terms, having secured a sofa in the first-floor passage +at one guinea per night, which includes permission to take my meals +in the bar, on condition that I walk about the streets at all other +times, to make room for other gentlemen similarly situated. I have +been over the outhouses intended to be devoted to the reception of +the various sections, both here and at the Boot-jack and +Countenance, and am much delighted with the arrangements. Nothing +can exceed the fresh appearance of the saw-dust with which the +floors are sprinkled. The forms are of unplaned deal, and the +general effect, as you can well imagine, is extremely beautiful.' + +'Half-past nine. + +'The number and rapidity of the arrivals are quite bewildering. +Within the last ten minutes a stage-coach has driven up to the +door, filled inside and out with distinguished characters, +comprising Mr. Muddlebranes, Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X. +Misty, Mr. X. X. Misty, Mr. Purblind, Professor Rummun, The +Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, Professor John Ketch, Sir +William Joltered, Doctor Buffer, Mr. Smith (of London), Mr. Brown +(of Edinburgh), Sir Hookham Snivey, and Professor Pumpkinskull. +The ten last-named gentlemen were wet through, and looked extremely +intelligent.' + +'Sunday, two o'clock, p.m. + +'The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, accompanied by Sir +William Joltered, walked and drove this morning. They accomplished +the former feat in boots, and the latter in a hired fly. This has +naturally given rise to much discussion. + +'I have just learnt that an interview has taken place at the Boot- +jack and Countenance between Sowster, the active and intelligent +beadle of this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, who, as your +readers are doubtless aware, is an influential member of the +council. I forbear to communicate any of the rumours to which this +very extraordinary proceeding has given rise until I have seen +Sowster, and endeavoured to ascertain the truth from him.' + +'Half-past six. + +'I engaged a donkey-chaise shortly after writing the above, and +proceeded at a brisk trot in the direction of Sowster's residence, +passing through a beautiful expanse of country, with red brick +buildings on either side, and stopping in the marketplace to +observe the spot where Mr. Kwakley's hat was blown off yesterday. +It is an uneven piece of paving, but has certainly no appearance +which would lead one to suppose that any such event had recently +occurred there. From this point I proceeded--passing the gas-works +and tallow-melter's--to a lane which had been pointed out to me as +the beadle's place of residence; and before I had driven a dozen +yards further, I had the good fortune to meet Sowster himself +advancing towards me. + +'Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development of that +peculiar conformation of countenance which is vulgarly termed a +double chin than I remember to have ever seen before. He has also +a very red nose, which he attributes to a habit of early rising--so +red, indeed, that but for this explanation I should have supposed +it to proceed from occasional inebriety. He informed me that he +did not feel himself at liberty to relate what had passed between +himself and Professor Pumpkinskull, but had no objection to state +that it was connected with a matter of police regulation, and added +with peculiar significance "Never wos sitch times!" + +'You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me +considerable surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that I +lost no time in waiting on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating the +object of my visit. After a few moments' reflection, the +Professor, who, I am bound to say, behaved with the utmost +politeness, openly avowed (I mark the passage in italics) THAT HE +HAD REQUESTED SOWSTER TO ATTEND ON THE MONDAY MORNING AT THE BOOT- +JACK AND COUNTENANCE, TO KEEP OFF THE BOYS; AND THAT HE HAD FURTHER +DESIRED THAT THE UNDER-BEADLE MIGHT BE STATIONED, WITH THE SAME +OBJECT, AT THE BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE! + +'Now I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your comments and +the consideration of your readers. I have yet to learn that a +beadle, without the precincts of a church, churchyard, or work- +house, and acting otherwise than under the express orders of +churchwardens and overseers in council assembled, to enforce the +law against people who come upon the parish, and other offenders, +has any lawful authority whatever over the rising youth of this +country. I have yet to learn that a beadle can be called out by +any civilian to exercise a domination and despotism over the boys +of Britain. I have yet to learn that a beadle will be permitted by +the commissioners of poor law regulation to wear out the soles and +heels of his boots in illegal interference with the liberties of +people not proved poor or otherwise criminal. I have yet to learn +that a beadle has power to stop up the Queen's highway at his will +and pleasure, or that the whole width of the street is not free and +open to any man, boy, or woman in existence, up to the very walls +of the houses--ay, be they Black Boys and Stomach-aches, or Boot- +jacks and Countenances, I care not.' + +'Nine o'clock. + +'I have procured a local artist to make a faithful sketch of the +tyrant Sowster, which, as he has acquired this infamous celebrity, +you will no doubt wish to have engraved for the purpose of +presenting a copy with every copy of your next number. I enclose +it. + +[Picture which cannot be reproduced] + +The under-beadle has consented to write his life, but it is to be +strictly anonymous. + +'The accompanying likeness is of course from the life, and complete +in every respect. Even if I had been totally ignorant of the man's +real character, and it had been placed before me without remark, I +should have shuddered involuntarily. There is an intense malignity +of expression in the features, and a baleful ferocity of purpose in +the ruffian's eye, which appals and sickens. His whole air is +rampant with cruelty, nor is the stomach less characteristic of his +demoniac propensities.' + +'Monday. + +'The great day has at length arrived. I have neither eyes, nor +ears, nor pens, nor ink, nor paper, for anything but the wonderful +proceedings that have astounded my senses. Let me collect my +energies and proceed to the account. + + +'SECTION A.--ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. +FRONT PARLOUR, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. + + +President--Sir William Joltered. Vice-Presidents--Mr. Muddlebranes +and Mr. Drawley. + +'MR. X. X. MISTY communicated some remarks on the disappearance of +dancing-bears from the streets of London, with observations on the +exhibition of monkeys as connected with barrel-organs. The writer +had observed, with feelings of the utmost pain and regret, that +some years ago a sudden and unaccountable change in the public +taste took place with reference to itinerant bears, who, being +discountenanced by the populace, gradually fell off one by one from +the streets of the metropolis, until not one remained to create a +taste for natural history in the breasts of the poor and +uninstructed. One bear, indeed,--a brown and ragged animal,--had +lingered about the haunts of his former triumphs, with a worn and +dejected visage and feeble limbs, and had essayed to wield his +quarter-staff for the amusement of the multitude; but hunger, and +an utter want of any due recompense for his abilities, had at +length driven him from the field, and it was only too probable that +he had fallen a sacrifice to the rising taste for grease. He +regretted to add that a similar, and no less lamentable, change had +taken place with reference to monkeys. These delightful animals +had formerly been almost as plentiful as the organs on the tops of +which they were accustomed to sit; the proportion in the year 1829 +(it appeared by the parliamentary return) being as one monkey to +three organs. Owing, however, to an altered taste in musical +instruments, and the substitution, in a great measure, of narrow +boxes of music for organs, which left the monkeys nothing to sit +upon, this source of public amusement was wholly dried up. +Considering it a matter of the deepest importance, in connection +with national education, that the people should not lose such +opportunities of making themselves acquainted with the manners and +customs of two most interesting species of animals, the author +submitted that some measures should be immediately taken for the +restoration of these pleasing and truly intellectual amusements. + +'THE PRESIDENT inquired by what means the honourable member +proposed to attain this most desirable end? + +'THE AUTHOR submitted that it could be most fully and +satisfactorily accomplished, if Her Majesty's Government would +cause to be brought over to England, and maintained at the public +expense, and for the public amusement, such a number of bears as +would enable every quarter of the town to be visited--say at least +by three bears a week. No difficulty whatever need be experienced +in providing a fitting place for the reception of these animals, as +a commodious bear-garden could be erected in the immediate +neighbourhood of both Houses of Parliament; obviously the most +proper and eligible spot for such an establishment. + +'PROFESSOR MULL doubted very much whether any correct ideas of +natural history were propagated by the means to which the +honourable member had so ably adverted. On the contrary, he +believed that they had been the means of diffusing very incorrect +and imperfect notions on the subject. He spoke from personal +observation and personal experience, when he said that many +children of great abilities had been induced to believe, from what +they had observed in the streets, at and before the period to which +the honourable gentleman had referred, that all monkeys were born +in red coats and spangles, and that their hats and feathers also +came by nature. He wished to know distinctly whether the +honourable gentleman attributed the want of encouragement the bears +had met with to the decline of public taste in that respect, or to +a want of ability on the part of the bears themselves? + +'MR. X. X. MISTY replied, that he could not bring himself to +believe but that there must be a great deal of floating talent +among the bears and monkeys generally; which, in the absence of any +proper encouragement, was dispersed in other directions. + +'PROFESSOR PUMPKINSKULL wished to take that opportunity of calling +the attention of the section to a most important and serious point. +The author of the treatise just read had alluded to the prevalent +taste for bears'-grease as a means of promoting the growth of hair, +which undoubtedly was diffused to a very great and (as it appeared +to him) very alarming extent. No gentleman attending that section +could fail to be aware of the fact that the youth of the present +age evinced, by their behaviour in the streets, and at all places +of public resort, a considerable lack of that gallantry and +gentlemanly feeling which, in more ignorant times, had been thought +becoming. He wished to know whether it were possible that a +constant outward application of bears'-grease by the young +gentlemen about town had imperceptibly infused into those unhappy +persons something of the nature and quality of the bear. He +shuddered as he threw out the remark; but if this theory, on +inquiry, should prove to be well founded, it would at once explain +a great deal of unpleasant eccentricity of behaviour, which, +without some such discovery, was wholly unaccountable. + +'THE PRESIDENT highly complimented the learned gentleman on his +most valuable suggestion, which produced the greatest effect upon +the assembly; and remarked that only a week previous he had seen +some young gentlemen at a theatre eyeing a box of ladies with a +fierce intensity, which nothing but the influence of some brutish +appetite could possibly explain. It was dreadful to reflect that +our youth were so rapidly verging into a generation of bears. + +'After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved that this +important question should be immediately submitted to the +consideration of the council. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any gentleman could inform +the section what had become of the dancing-dogs? + +'A MEMBER replied, after some hesitation, that on the day after +three glee-singers had been committed to prison as criminals by a +late most zealous police-magistrate of the metropolis, the dogs had +abandoned their professional duties, and dispersed themselves in +different quarters of the town to gain a livelihood by less +dangerous means. He was given to understand that since that period +they had supported themselves by lying in wait for and robbing +blind men's poodles. + +'MR. FLUMMERY exhibited a twig, claiming to be a veritable branch +of that noble tree known to naturalists as the SHAKSPEARE, which +has taken root in every land and climate, and gathered under the +shade of its broad green boughs the great family of mankind. The +learned gentleman remarked that the twig had been undoubtedly +called by other names in its time; but that it had been pointed out +to him by an old lady in Warwickshire, where the great tree had +grown, as a shoot of the genuine SHAKSPEARE, by which name he +begged to introduce it to his countrymen. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to know what botanical definition the +honourable gentleman could afford of the curiosity. + +'MR. FLUMMERY expressed his opinion that it was A DECIDED PLANT. + + +'SECTION B.--DISPLAY OF MODELS AND MECHANICAL SCIENCE. +LARGE ROOM, BOOT-JACK AND COUNTENANCE. + + +President--Mr. Mallett. Vice-Presidents--Messrs. Leaver and Scroo. + +'MR. CRINKLES exhibited a most beautiful and delicate machine, of +little larger size than an ordinary snuff-box, manufactured +entirely by himself, and composed exclusively of steel, by the aid +of which more pockets could be picked in one hour than by the +present slow and tedious process in four-and-twenty. The inventor +remarked that it had been put into active operation in Fleet +Street, the Strand, and other thoroughfares, and had never been +once known to fail. + +'After some slight delay, occasioned by the various members of the +section buttoning their pockets, + +'THE PRESIDENT narrowly inspected the invention, and declared that +he had never seen a machine of more beautiful or exquisite +construction. Would the inventor be good enough to inform the +section whether he had taken any and what means for bringing it +into general operation? + +'MR. CRINKLES stated that, after encountering some preliminary +difficulties, he had succeeded in putting himself in communication +with Mr. Fogle Hunter, and other gentlemen connected with the swell +mob, who had awarded the invention the very highest and most +unqualified approbation. He regretted to say, however, that these +distinguished practitioners, in common with a gentleman of the name +of Gimlet-eyed Tommy, and other members of a secondary grade of the +profession whom he was understood to represent, entertained an +insuperable objection to its being brought into general use, on the +ground that it would have the inevitable effect of almost entirely +superseding manual labour, and throwing a great number of highly- +deserving persons out of employment. + +'THE PRESIDENT hoped that no such fanciful objections would be +allowed to stand in the way of such a great public improvement. + +'MR. CRINKLES hoped so too; but he feared that if the gentlemen of +the swell mob persevered in their objection, nothing could be done. + +'PROFESSOR GRIME suggested, that surely, in that case, Her +Majesty's Government might be prevailed upon to take it up. + +'MR. CRINKLES said, that if the objection were found to be +insuperable he should apply to Parliament, which he thought could +not fail to recognise the utility of the invention. + +'THE PRESIDENT observed that, up to this time Parliament had +certainly got on very well without it; but, as they did their +business on a very large scale, he had no doubt they would gladly +adopt the improvement. His only fear was that the machine might be +worn out by constant working. + +'MR. COPPERNOSE called the attention of the section to a +proposition of great magnitude and interest, illustrated by a vast +number of models, and stated with much clearness and perspicuity in +a treatise entitled "Practical Suggestions on the necessity of +providing some harmless and wholesome relaxation for the young +noblemen of England." His proposition was, that a space of ground +of not less than ten miles in length and four in breadth should be +purchased by a new company, to be incorporated by Act of +Parliament, and inclosed by a brick wall of not less than twelve +feet in height. He proposed that it should be laid out with +highway roads, turnpikes, bridges, miniature villages, and every +object that could conduce to the comfort and glory of Four-in-hand +Clubs, so that they might be fairly presumed to require no drive +beyond it. This delightful retreat would be fitted up with most +commodious and extensive stables, for the convenience of such of +the nobility and gentry as had a taste for ostlering, and with +houses of entertainment furnished in the most expensive and +handsome style. It would be further provided with whole streets of +door-knockers and bell-handles of extra size, so constructed that +they could be easily wrenched off at night, and regularly screwed +on again, by attendants provided for the purpose, every day. There +would also be gas lamps of real glass, which could be broken at a +comparatively small expense per dozen, and a broad and handsome +foot pavement for gentlemen to drive their cabriolets upon when +they were humorously disposed--for the full enjoyment of which feat +live pedestrians would be procured from the workhouse at a very +small charge per head. The place being inclosed, and carefully +screened from the intrusion of the public, there would be no +objection to gentlemen laying aside any article of their costume +that was considered to interfere with a pleasant frolic, or, +indeed, to their walking about without any costume at all, if they +liked that better. In short, every facility of enjoyment would be +afforded that the most gentlemanly person could possibly desire. +But as even these advantages would be incomplete unless there were +some means provided of enabling the nobility and gentry to display +their prowess when they sallied forth after dinner, and as some +inconvenience might be experienced in the event of their being +reduced to the necessity of pummelling each other, the inventor had +turned his attention to the construction of an entirely new police +force, composed exclusively of automaton figures, which, with the +assistance of the ingenious Signor Gagliardi, of Windmill-street, +in the Haymarket, he had succeeded in making with such nicety, that +a policeman, cab-driver, or old woman, made upon the principle of +the models exhibited, would walk about until knocked down like any +real man; nay, more, if set upon and beaten by six or eight +noblemen or gentlemen, after it was down, the figure would utter +divers groans, mingled with entreaties for mercy, thus rendering +the illusion complete, and the enjoyment perfect. But the +invention did not stop even here; for station-houses would be +built, containing good beds for noblemen and gentlemen during the +night, and in the morning they would repair to a commodious police +office, where a pantomimic investigation would take place before +the automaton magistrates,--quite equal to life,--who would fine +them in so many counters, with which they would be previously +provided for the purpose. This office would be furnished with an +inclined plane, for the convenience of any nobleman or gentleman +who might wish to bring in his horse as a witness; and the +prisoners would be at perfect liberty, as they were now, to +interrupt the complainants as much as they pleased, and to make any +remarks that they thought proper. The charge for these amusements +would amount to very little more than they already cost, and the +inventor submitted that the public would be much benefited and +comforted by the proposed arrangement. + +'PROFESSOR NOGO wished to be informed what amount of automaton +police force it was proposed to raise in the first instance. + +'MR. COPPERNOSE replied, that it was proposed to begin with seven +divisions of police of a score each, lettered from A to G +inclusive. It was proposed that not more than half this number +should be placed on active duty, and that the remainder should be +kept on shelves in the police office ready to be called out at a +moment's notice. + +'THE PRESIDENT, awarding the utmost merit to the ingenious +gentleman who had originated the idea, doubted whether the +automaton police would quite answer the purpose. He feared that +noblemen and gentlemen would perhaps require the excitement of +thrashing living subjects. + +'MR. COPPERNOSE submitted, that as the usual odds in such cases +were ten noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or cab-driver, it +could make very little difference in point of excitement whether +the policeman or cab-driver were a man or a block. The great +advantage would be, that a policeman's limbs might be all knocked +off, and yet he would be in a condition to do duty next day. He +might even give his evidence next morning with his head in his +hand, and give it equally well. + +'PROFESSOR MUFF.--Will you allow me to ask you, sir, of what +materials it is intended that the magistrates' heads shall be +composed? + +'MR. COPPERNOSE.--The magistrates will have wooden heads of course, +and they will be made of the toughest and thickest materials that +can possibly be obtained. + +'PROFESSOR MUFF.--I am quite satisfied. This is a great invention. + +'PROFESSOR NOGO.--I see but one objection to it. It appears to me +that the magistrates ought to talk. + +'MR. COPPERNOSE no sooner heard this suggestion than he touched a +small spring in each of the two models of magistrates which were +placed upon the table; one of the figures immediately began to +exclaim with great volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen in +such a situation, and the other to express a fear that the +policeman was intoxicated. + +'The section, as with one accord, declared with a shout of applause +that the invention was complete; and the President, much excited, +retired with Mr. Coppernose to lay it before the council. On his +return, + +'MR. TICKLE displayed his newly-invented spectacles, which enabled +the wearer to discern, in very bright colours, objects at a great +distance, and rendered him wholly blind to those immediately before +him. It was, he said, a most valuable and useful invention, based +strictly upon the principle of the human eye. + +'THE PRESIDENT required some information upon this point. He had +yet to learn that the human eye was remarkable for the +peculiarities of which the honourable gentleman had spoken. + +'MR. TICKLE was rather astonished to hear this, when the President +could not fail to be aware that a large number of most excellent +persons and great statesmen could see, with the naked eye, most +marvellous horrors on West India plantations, while they could +discern nothing whatever in the interior of Manchester cotton +mills. He must know, too, with what quickness of perception most +people could discover their neighbour's faults, and how very blind +they were to their own. If the President differed from the great +majority of men in this respect, his eye was a defective one, and +it was to assist his vision that these glasses were made. + +'MR. BLANK exhibited a model of a fashionable annual, composed of +copper-plates, gold leaf, and silk boards, and worked entirely by +milk and water. + +'MR. PROSEE, after examining the machine, declared it to be so +ingeniously composed, that he was wholly unable to discover how it +went on at all. + +'MR. BLANK.--Nobody can, and that is the beauty of it. + + +'SECTION C.--ANATOMY AND MEDICINE. +BAR ROOM, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. + + +President--Dr. Soemup. Vice-Presidents--Messrs. Pessell and +Mortair. + +'DR. GRUMMIDGE stated to the section a most interesting case of +monomania, and described the course of treatment he had pursued +with perfect success. The patient was a married lady in the middle +rank of life, who, having seen another lady at an evening party in +a full suit of pearls, was suddenly seized with a desire to possess +a similar equipment, although her husband's finances were by no +means equal to the necessary outlay. Finding her wish ungratified, +she fell sick, and the symptoms soon became so alarming, that he +(Dr. Grummidge) was called in. At this period the prominent tokens +of the disorder were sullenness, a total indisposition to perform +domestic duties, great peevishness, and extreme languor, except +when pearls were mentioned, at which times the pulse quickened, the +eyes grew brighter, the pupils dilated, and the patient, after +various incoherent exclamations, burst into a passion of tears, and +exclaimed that nobody cared for her, and that she wished herself +dead. Finding that the patient's appetite was affected in the +presence of company, he began by ordering a total abstinence from +all stimulants, and forbidding any sustenance but weak gruel; he +then took twenty ounces of blood, applied a blister under each ear, +one upon the chest, and another on the back; having done which, and +administered five grains of calomel, he left the patient to her +repose. The next day she was somewhat low, but decidedly better, +and all appearances of irritation were removed. The next day she +improved still further, and on the next again. On the fourth there +was some appearance of a return of the old symptoms, which no +sooner developed themselves, than he administered another dose of +calomel, and left strict orders that, unless a decidedly favourable +change occurred within two hours, the patient's head should be +immediately shaved to the very last curl. From that moment she +began to mend, and, in less than four-and-twenty hours was +perfectly restored. She did not now betray the least emotion at +the sight or mention of pearls or any other ornaments. She was +cheerful and good-humoured, and a most beneficial change had been +effected in her whole temperament and condition. + +'MR. PIPKIN (M.R.C.S.) read a short but most interesting +communication in which he sought to prove the complete belief of +Sir William Courtenay, otherwise Thorn, recently shot at +Canterbury, in the Homoeopathic system. The section would bear in +mind that one of the Homoeopathic doctrines was, that infinitesimal +doses of any medicine which would occasion the disease under which +the patient laboured, supposing him to be in a healthy state, would +cure it. Now, it was a remarkable circumstance--proved in the +evidence--that the deceased Thorn employed a woman to follow him +about all day with a pail of water, assuring her that one drop (a +purely homoeopathic remedy, the section would observe), placed upon +his tongue, after death, would restore him. What was the obvious +inference? That Thorn, who was marching and countermarching in +osier beds, and other swampy places, was impressed with a +presentiment that he should be drowned; in which case, had his +instructions been complied with, he could not fail to have been +brought to life again instantly by his own prescription. As it +was, if this woman, or any other person, had administered an +infinitesimal dose of lead and gunpowder immediately after he fell, +he would have recovered forthwith. But unhappily the woman +concerned did not possess the power of reasoning by analogy, or +carrying out a principle, and thus the unfortunate gentleman had +been sacrificed to the ignorance of the peasantry. + + +'SECTION D.--STATISTICS. +OUT-HOUSE, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. + +President--Mr. Slug. Vice-Presidents--Messrs. Noakes and Styles. + +'MR. KWAKLEY stated the result of some most ingenious statistical +inquiries relative to the difference between the value of the +qualification of several members of Parliament as published to the +world, and its real nature and amount. After reminding the section +that every member of Parliament for a town or borough was supposed +to possess a clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per +annum, the honourable gentleman excited great amusement and +laughter by stating the exact amount of freehold property possessed +by a column of legislators, in which he had included himself. It +appeared from this table, that the amount of such income possessed +by each was 0 pounds, 0 shillings, and 0 pence, yielding an average +of the same. (Great laughter.) It was pretty well known that there +were accommodating gentlemen in the habit of furnishing new members +with temporary qualifications, to the ownership of which they swore +solemnly--of course as a mere matter of form. He argued from these +data that it was wholly unnecessary for members of Parliament to +possess any property at all, especially as when they had none the +public could get them so much cheaper. + + +'SUPPLEMENTARY SECTION, E.--UMBUGOLOGY AND DITCHWATERISICS. + + +President--Mr. Grub. Vice Presidents--Messrs. Dull and Dummy. + +'A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony with +one eye, which had been seen by the author standing in a butcher's +cart at the corner of Newgate Market. The communication described +the author of the paper as having, in the prosecution of a +mercantile pursuit, betaken himself one Saturday morning last +summer from Somers Town to Cheapside; in the course of which +expedition he had beheld the extraordinary appearance above +described. The pony had one distinct eye, and it had been pointed +out to him by his friend Captain Blunderbore, of the Horse Marines, +who assisted the author in his search, that whenever he winked this +eye he whisked his tail (possibly to drive the flies off), but that +he always winked and whisked at the same time. The animal was +lean, spavined, and tottering; and the author proposed to +constitute it of the family of FITFORDOGSMEATAURIOUS. It certainly +did occur to him that there was no case on record of a pony with +one clearly-defined and distinct organ of vision, winking and +whisking at the same moment. + +'MR. Q. J. SNUFFLETOFFLE had heard of a pony winking his eye, and +likewise of a pony whisking his tail, but whether they were two +ponies or the same pony he could not undertake positively to say. +At all events, he was acquainted with no authenticated instance of +a simultaneous winking and whisking, and he really could not but +doubt the existence of such a marvellous pony in opposition to all +those natural laws by which ponies were governed. Referring, +however, to the mere question of his one organ of vision, might he +suggest the possibility of this pony having been literally half +asleep at the time he was seen, and having closed only one eye. + +'THE PRESIDENT observed that, whether the pony was half asleep or +fast asleep, there could be no doubt that the association was wide +awake, and therefore that they had better get the business over, +and go to dinner. He had certainly never seen anything analogous +to this pony, but he was not prepared to doubt its existence; for +he had seen many queerer ponies in his time, though he did not +pretend to have seen any more remarkable donkeys than the other +gentlemen around him. + +'PROFESSOR JOHN KETCH was then called upon to exhibit the skull of +the late Mr. Greenacre, which he produced from a blue bag, +remarking, on being invited to make any observations that occurred +to him, "that he'd pound it as that 'ere 'spectable section had +never seed a more gamerer cove nor he vos." + +'A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic ensued; +and, some difference of opinion arising respecting the real +character of the deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered a lecture +upon the cranium before him, clearly showing that Mr. Greenacre +possessed the organ of destructiveness to a most unusual extent, +with a most remarkable development of the organ of carveativeness. +Sir Hookham Snivey was proceeding to combat this opinion, when +Professor Ketch suddenly interrupted the proceedings by exclaiming, +with great excitement of manner, "Walker!" + +'THE PRESIDENT begged to call the learned gentleman to order. + +'PROFESSOR KETCH.--"Order be blowed! you've got the wrong un, I +tell you. It ain't no 'ed at all; it's a coker-nut as my brother- +in-law has been a-carvin', to hornament his new baked tatur-stall +wots a-comin' down 'ere vile the 'sociation's in the town. Hand +over, vill you?" + +'With these words, Professor Ketch hastily repossessed himself of +the cocoa-nut, and drew forth the skull, in mistake for which he +had exhibited it. A most interesting conversation ensued; but as +there appeared some doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr. +Greenacre's, or a hospital patient's, or a pauper's, or a man's, or +a woman's, or a monkey's, no particular result was obtained.' + + +'I cannot,' says our talented correspondent in conclusion, 'I +cannot close my account of these gigantic researches and sublime +and noble triumphs without repeating a bon mot of Professor +Woodensconce's, which shows how the greatest minds may occasionally +unbend when truth can be presented to listening ears, clothed in an +attractive and playful form. I was standing by, when, after a week +of feasting and feeding, that learned gentleman, accompanied by the +whole body of wonderful men, entered the hall yesterday, where a +sumptuous dinner was prepared; where the richest wines sparkled on +the board, and fat bucks--propitiatory sacrifices to learning--sent +forth their savoury odours. "Ah!" said Professor Woodensconce, +rubbing his hands, "this is what we meet for; this is what inspires +us; this is what keeps us together, and beckons us onward; this is +the SPREAD of science, and a glorious spread it is."' + + + + +THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE + + + + +Before we plunge headlong into this paper, let us at once confess +to a fondness for pantomimes--to a gentle sympathy with clowns and +pantaloons--to an unqualified admiration of harlequins and +columbines--to a chaste delight in every action of their brief +existence, varied and many-coloured as those actions are, and +inconsistent though they occasionally be with those rigid and +formal rules of propriety which regulate the proceedings of meaner +and less comprehensive minds. We revel in pantomimes--not because +they dazzle one's eyes with tinsel and gold leaf; not because they +present to us, once again, the well-beloved chalked faces, and +goggle eyes of our childhood; not even because, like Christmas-day, +and Twelfth-night, and Shrove-Tuesday, and one's own birthday, they +come to us but once a year;--our attachment is founded on a graver +and a very different reason. A pantomime is to us, a mirror of +life; nay, more, we maintain that it is so to audiences generally, +although they are not aware of it, and that this very circumstance +is the secret cause of their amusement and delight. + +Let us take a slight example. The scene is a street: an elderly +gentleman, with a large face and strongly marked features, appears. +His countenance beams with a sunny smile, and a perpetual dimple is +on his broad, red cheek. He is evidently an opulent elderly +gentleman, comfortable in circumstances, and well-to-do in the +world. He is not unmindful of the adornment of his person, for he +is richly, not to say gaudily, dressed; and that he indulges to a +reasonable extent in the pleasures of the table may be inferred +from the joyous and oily manner in which he rubs his stomach, by +way of informing the audience that he is going home to dinner. In +the fulness of his heart, in the fancied security of wealth, in the +possession and enjoyment of all the good things of life, the +elderly gentleman suddenly loses his footing, and stumbles. How +the audience roar! He is set upon by a noisy and officious crowd, +who buffet and cuff him unmercifully. They scream with delight! +Every time the elderly gentleman struggles to get up, his +relentless persecutors knock him down again. The spectators are +convulsed with merriment! And when at last the elderly gentleman +does get up, and staggers away, despoiled of hat, wig, and +clothing, himself battered to pieces, and his watch and money gone, +they are exhausted with laughter, and express their merriment and +admiration in rounds of applause. + +Is this like life? Change the scene to any real street;--to the +Stock Exchange, or the City banker's; the merchant's counting- +house, or even the tradesman's shop. See any one of these men +fall,--the more suddenly, and the nearer the zenith of his pride +and riches, the better. What a wild hallo is raised over his +prostrate carcase by the shouting mob; how they whoop and yell as +he lies humbled beneath them! Mark how eagerly they set upon him +when he is down; and how they mock and deride him as he slinks +away. Why, it is the pantomime to the very letter. + +Of all the pantomimic dramatis personae, we consider the pantaloon +the most worthless and debauched. Independent of the dislike one +naturally feels at seeing a gentleman of his years engaged in +pursuits highly unbecoming his gravity and time of life, we cannot +conceal from ourselves the fact that he is a treacherous, worldly- +minded old villain, constantly enticing his younger companion, the +clown, into acts of fraud or petty larceny, and generally standing +aside to watch the result of the enterprise. If it be successful, +he never forgets to return for his share of the spoil; but if it +turn out a failure, he generally retires with remarkable caution +and expedition, and keeps carefully aloof until the affair has +blown over. His amorous propensities, too, are eminently +disagreeable; and his mode of addressing ladies in the open street +at noon-day is down-right improper, being usually neither more nor +less than a perceptible tickling of the aforesaid ladies in the +waist, after committing which, he starts back, manifestly ashamed +(as well he may be) of his own indecorum and temerity; continuing, +nevertheless, to ogle and beckon to them from a distance in a very +unpleasant and immoral manner. + +Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his own +social circle? Is there any man who has not seen them swarming at +the west end of the town on a sunshiny day or a summer's evening, +going through the last-named pantomimic feats with as much +liquorish energy, and as total an absence of reserve, as if they +were on the very stage itself? We can tell upon our fingers a +dozen pantaloons of our acquaintance at this moment--capital +pantaloons, who have been performing all kinds of strange freaks, +to the great amusement of their friends and acquaintance, for years +past; and who to this day are making such comical and ineffectual +attempts to be young and dissolute, that all beholders are like to +die with laughter. + +Take that old gentleman who has just emerged from the Cafe de +l'Europe in the Haymarket, where he has been dining at the expense +of the young man upon town with whom he shakes hands as they part +at the door of the tavern. The affected warmth of that shake of +the hand, the courteous nod, the obvious recollection of the +dinner, the savoury flavour of which still hangs upon his lips, are +all characteristics of his great prototype. He hobbles away +humming an opera tune, and twirling his cane to and fro, with +affected carelessness. Suddenly he stops--'tis at the milliner's +window. He peeps through one of the large panes of glass; and, his +view of the ladies within being obstructed by the India shawls, +directs his attentions to the young girl with the band-box in her +hand, who is gazing in at the window also. See! he draws beside +her. He coughs; she turns away from him. He draws near her again; +she disregards him. He gleefully chucks her under the chin, and, +retreating a few steps, nods and beckons with fantastic grimaces, +while the girl bestows a contemptuous and supercilious look upon +his wrinkled visage. She turns away with a flounce, and the old +gentleman trots after her with a toothless chuckle. The pantaloon +to the life! + + But the close resemblance which the clowns of the stage bear to +those of every-day life is perfectly extraordinary. Some people +talk with a sigh of the decline of pantomime, and murmur in low and +dismal tones the name of Grimaldi. We mean no disparagement to the +worthy and excellent old man when we say that this is downright +nonsense. Clowns that beat Grimaldi all to nothing turn up every +day, and nobody patronizes them--more's the pity! + +'I know who you mean,' says some dirty-faced patron of Mr. +Osbaldistone's, laying down the Miscellany when he has got thus +far, and bestowing upon vacancy a most knowing glance; 'you mean C. +J. Smith as did Guy Fawkes, and George Barnwell at the Garden.' +The dirty-faced gentleman has hardly uttered the words, when he is +interrupted by a young gentleman in no shirt-collar and a Petersham +coat. 'No, no,' says the young gentleman; 'he means Brown, King, +and Gibson, at the 'Delphi.' Now, with great deference both to the +first-named gentleman with the dirty face, and the last-named +gentleman in the non-existing shirt-collar, we do NOT mean either +the performer who so grotesquely burlesqued the Popish conspirator, +or the three unchangeables who have been dancing the same dance +under different imposing titles, and doing the same thing under +various high-sounding names for some five or six years last past. +We have no sooner made this avowal, than the public, who have +hitherto been silent witnesses of the dispute, inquire what on +earth it is we DO mean; and, with becoming respect, we proceed to +tell them. + +It is very well known to all playgoers and pantomime-seers, that +the scenes in which a theatrical clown is at the very height of his +glory are those which are described in the play-bills as +'Cheesemonger's shop and Crockery warehouse,' or 'Tailor's shop, +and Mrs. Queertable's boarding-house,' or places bearing some such +title, where the great fun of the thing consists in the hero's +taking lodgings which he has not the slightest intention of paying +for, or obtaining goods under false pretences, or abstracting the +stock-in-trade of the respectable shopkeeper next door, or robbing +warehouse porters as they pass under his window, or, to shorten the +catalogue, in his swindling everybody he possibly can, it only +remaining to be observed that, the more extensive the swindling is, +and the more barefaced the impudence of the swindler, the greater +the rapture and ecstasy of the audience. Now it is a most +remarkable fact that precisely this sort of thing occurs in real +life day after day, and nobody sees the humour of it. Let us +illustrate our position by detailing the plot of this portion of +the pantomime--not of the theatre, but of life. + +The Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, attended by his livery +servant Do'em--a most respectable servant to look at, who has grown +grey in the service of the captain's family--views, treats for, and +ultimately obtains possession of, the unfurnished house, such a +number, such a street. All the tradesmen in the neighbourhood are +in agonies of competition for the captain's custom; the captain is +a good-natured, kind-hearted, easy man, and, to avoid being the +cause of disappointment to any, he most handsomely gives orders to +all. Hampers of wine, baskets of provisions, cart-loads of +furniture, boxes of jewellery, supplies of luxuries of the +costliest description, flock to the house of the Honourable Captain +Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, where they are received with the utmost +readiness by the highly respectable Do'em; while the captain +himself struts and swaggers about with that compound air of +conscious superiority and general blood-thirstiness which a +military captain should always, and does most times, wear, to the +admiration and terror of plebeian men. But the tradesmen's backs +are no sooner turned, than the captain, with all the eccentricity +of a mighty mind, and assisted by the faithful Do'em, whose devoted +fidelity is not the least touching part of his character, disposes +of everything to great advantage; for, although the articles fetch +small sums, still they are sold considerably above cost price, the +cost to the captain having been nothing at all. After various +manoeuvres, the imposture is discovered, Fitz-Fiercy and Do'em are +recognized as confederates, and the police office to which they are +both taken is thronged with their dupes. + +Who can fail to recognize in this, the exact counterpart of the +best portion of a theatrical pantomime--Fitz-Whisker Fiercy by the +clown; Do'em by the pantaloon; and supernumeraries by the +tradesmen? The best of the joke, too, is, that the very coal- +merchant who is loudest in his complaints against the person who +defrauded him, is the identical man who sat in the centre of the +very front row of the pit last night and laughed the most +boisterously at this very same thing,--and not so well done either. +Talk of Grimaldi, we say again! Did Grimaldi, in his best days, +ever do anything in this way equal to Da Costa? + +The mention of this latter justly celebrated clown reminds us of +his last piece of humour, the fraudulently obtaining certain +stamped acceptances from a young gentleman in the army. We had +scarcely laid down our pen to contemplate for a few moments this +admirable actor's performance of that exquisite practical joke, +than a new branch of our subject flashed suddenly upon us. So we +take it up again at once. + +All people who have been behind the scenes, and most people who +have been before them, know, that in the representation of a +pantomime, a good many men are sent upon the stage for the express +purpose of being cheated, or knocked down, or both. Now, down to a +moment ago, we had never been able to understand for what possible +purpose a great number of odd, lazy, large-headed men, whom one is +in the habit of meeting here, and there, and everywhere, could ever +have been created. We see it all, now. They are the +supernumeraries in the pantomime of life; the men who have been +thrust into it, with no other view than to be constantly tumbling +over each other, and running their heads against all sorts of +strange things. We sat opposite to one of these men at a supper- +table, only last week. Now we think of it, he was exactly like the +gentlemen with the pasteboard heads and faces, who do the +corresponding business in the theatrical pantomimes; there was the +same broad stolid simper--the same dull leaden eye--the same +unmeaning, vacant stare; and whatever was said, or whatever was +done, he always came in at precisely the wrong place, or jostled +against something that he had not the slightest business with. We +looked at the man across the table again and again; and could not +satisfy ourselves what race of beings to class him with. How very +odd that this never occurred to us before! + +We will frankly own that we have been much troubled with the +harlequin. We see harlequins of so many kinds in the real living +pantomime, that we hardly know which to select as the proper fellow +of him of the theatres. At one time we were disposed to think that +the harlequin was neither more nor less than a young man of family +and independent property, who had run away with an opera-dancer, +and was fooling his life and his means away in light and trivial +amusements. On reflection, however, we remembered that harlequins +are occasionally guilty of witty, and even clever acts, and we are +rather disposed to acquit our young men of family and independent +property, generally speaking, of any such misdemeanours. On a more +mature consideration of the subject, we have arrived at the +conclusion that the harlequins of life are just ordinary men, to be +found in no particular walk or degree, on whom a certain station, +or particular conjunction of circumstances, confers the magic wand. +And this brings us to a few words on the pantomime of public and +political life, which we shall say at once, and then conclude-- +merely premising in this place that we decline any reference +whatever to the columbine, being in no wise satisfied of the nature +of her connection with her parti-coloured lover, and not feeling by +any means clear that we should be justified in introducing her to +the virtuous and respectable ladies who peruse our lucubrations. + +We take it that the commencement of a Session of Parliament is +neither more nor less than the drawing up of the curtain for a +grand comic pantomime, and that his Majesty's most gracious speech +on the opening thereof may be not inaptly compared to the clown's +opening speech of 'Here we are!' 'My lords and gentlemen, here we +are!' appears, to our mind at least, to be a very good abstract of +the point and meaning of the propitiatory address of the ministry. +When we remember how frequently this speech is made, immediately +after THE CHANGE too, the parallel is quite perfect, and still more +singular. + +Perhaps the cast of our political pantomime never was richer than +at this day. We are particularly strong in clowns. At no former +time, we should say, have we had such astonishing tumblers, or +performers so ready to go through the whole of their feats for the +amusement of an admiring throng. Their extreme readiness to +exhibit, indeed, has given rise to some ill-natured reflections; it +having been objected that by exhibiting gratuitously through the +country when the theatre is closed, they reduce themselves to the +level of mountebanks, and thereby tend to degrade the +respectability of the profession. Certainly Grimaldi never did +this sort of thing; and though Brown, King, and Gibson have gone to +the Surrey in vacation time, and Mr. C. J. Smith has ruralised at +Sadler's Wells, we find no theatrical precedent for a general +tumbling through the country, except in the gentleman, name +unknown, who threw summersets on behalf of the late Mr. Richardson, +and who is no authority either, because he had never been on the +regular boards. + +But, laying aside this question, which after all is a mere matter +of taste, we may reflect with pride and gratification of heart on +the proficiency of our clowns as exhibited in the season. Night +after night will they twist and tumble about, till two, three, and +four o'clock in the morning; playing the strangest antics, and +giving each other the funniest slaps on the face that can possibly +be imagined, without evincing the smallest tokens of fatigue. The +strange noises, the confusion, the shouting and roaring, amid which +all this is done, too, would put to shame the most turbulent +sixpenny gallery that ever yelled through a boxing-night. + +It is especially curious to behold one of these clowns compelled to +go through the most surprising contortions by the irresistible +influence of the wand of office, which his leader or harlequin +holds above his head. Acted upon by this wonderful charm he will +become perfectly motionless, moving neither hand, foot, nor finger, +and will even lose the faculty of speech at an instant's notice; or +on the other hand, he will become all life and animation if +required, pouring forth a torrent of words without sense or +meaning, throwing himself into the wildest and most fantastic +contortions, and even grovelling on the earth and licking up the +dust. These exhibitions are more curious than pleasing; indeed, +they are rather disgusting than otherwise, except to the admirers +of such things, with whom we confess we have no fellow-feeling. + +Strange tricks--very strange tricks--are also performed by the +harlequin who holds for the time being the magic wand which we have +just mentioned. The mere waving it before a man's eyes will +dispossess his brains of all the notions previously stored there, +and fill it with an entirely new set of ideas; one gentle tap on +the back will alter the colour of a man's coat completely; and +there are some expert performers, who, having this wand held first +on one side and then on the other, will change from side to side, +turning their coats at every evolution, with so much rapidity and +dexterity, that the quickest eye can scarcely detect their motions. +Occasionally, the genius who confers the wand, wrests it from the +hand of the temporary possessor, and consigns it to some new +performer; on which occasions all the characters change sides, and +then the race and the hard knocks begin anew. + +We might have extended this chapter to a much greater length--we +might have carried the comparison into the liberal professions--we +might have shown, as was in fact our original purpose, that each is +in itself a little pantomime with scenes and characters of its own, +complete; but, as we fear we have been quite lengthy enough +already, we shall leave this chapter just where it is. A +gentleman, not altogether unknown as a dramatic poet, wrote thus a +year or two ago - + + +'All the world's a stage, +And all the men and women merely players:' + + +and we, tracking out his footsteps at the scarcely-worth-mentioning +little distance of a few millions of leagues behind, venture to +add, by way of new reading, that he meant a Pantomime, and that we +are all actors in The Pantomime of Life. + + + +SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION + + + +We have a great respect for lions in the abstract. In common with +most other people, we have heard and read of many instances of +their bravery and generosity. We have duly admired that heroic +self-denial and charming philanthropy which prompts them never to +eat people except when they are hungry, and we have been deeply +impressed with a becoming sense of the politeness they are said to +display towards unmarried ladies of a certain state. All natural +histories teem with anecdotes illustrative of their excellent +qualities; and one old spelling-book in particular recounts a +touching instance of an old lion, of high moral dignity and stern +principle, who felt it his imperative duty to devour a young man +who had contracted a habit of swearing, as a striking example to +the rising generation. + +All this is extremely pleasant to reflect upon, and, indeed, says a +very great deal in favour of lions as a mass. We are bound to +state, however, that such individual lions as we have happened to +fall in with have not put forth any very striking characteristics, +and have not acted up to the chivalrous character assigned them by +their chroniclers. We never saw a lion in what is called his +natural state, certainly; that is to say, we have never met a lion +out walking in a forest, or crouching in his lair under a tropical +sun, waiting till his dinner should happen to come by, hot from the +baker's. But we have seen some under the influence of captivity, +and the pressure of misfortune; and we must say that they appeared +to us very apathetic, heavy-headed fellows. + +The lion at the Zoological Gardens, for instance. He is all very +well; he has an undeniable mane, and looks very fierce; but, Lord +bless us! what of that? The lions of the fashionable world look +just as ferocious, and are the most harmless creatures breathing. +A box-lobby lion or a Regent-street animal will put on a most +terrible aspect, and roar, fearfully, if you affront him; but he +will never bite, and, if you offer to attack him manfully, will +fairly turn tail and sneak off. Doubtless these creatures roam +about sometimes in herds, and, if they meet any especially meek- +looking and peaceably-disposed fellow, will endeavour to frighten +him; but the faintest show of a vigorous resistance is sufficient +to scare them even then. These are pleasant characteristics, +whereas we make it matter of distinct charge against the Zoological +lion and his brethren at the fairs, that they are sleepy, dreamy, +sluggish quadrupeds. + +We do not remember to have ever seen one of them perfectly awake, +except at feeding-time. In every respect we uphold the biped lions +against their four-footed namesakes, and we boldly challenge +controversy upon the subject. + +With these opinions it may be easily imagined that our curiosity +and interest were very much excited the other day, when a lady of +our acquaintance called on us and resolutely declined to accept our +refusal of her invitation to an evening party; 'for,' said she, 'I +have got a lion coming.' We at once retracted our plea of a prior +engagement, and became as anxious to go, as we had previously been +to stay away. + +We went early, and posted ourselves in an eligible part of the +drawing-room, from whence we could hope to obtain a full view of +the interesting animal. Two or three hours passed, the quadrilles +began, the room filled; but no lion appeared. The lady of the +house became inconsolable,--for it is one of the peculiar +privileges of these lions to make solemn appointments and never +keep them,--when all of a sudden there came a tremendous double rap +at the street-door, and the master of the house, after gliding out +(unobserved as he flattered himself) to peep over the banisters, +came into the room, rubbing his hands together with great glee, and +cried out in a very important voice, 'My dear, Mr.--(naming the +lion) has this moment arrived.' + +Upon this, all eyes were turned towards the door, and we observed +several young ladies, who had been laughing and conversing +previously with great gaiety and good humour, grow extremely quiet +and sentimental; while some young gentlemen, who had been cutting +great figures in the facetious and small-talk way, suddenly sank +very obviously in the estimation of the company, and were looked +upon with great coldness and indifference. Even the young man who +had been ordered from the music shop to play the pianoforte was +visibly affected, and struck several false notes in the excess of +his excitement. + +All this time there was a great talking outside, more than once +accompanied by a loud laugh, and a cry of 'Oh! capital! excellent!' +from which we inferred that the lion was jocose, and that these +exclamations were occasioned by the transports of his keeper and +our host. Nor were we deceived; for when the lion at last +appeared, we overheard his keeper, who was a little prim man, +whisper to several gentlemen of his acquaintance, with uplifted +hands, and every expression of half-suppressed admiration, that-- +(naming the lion again) was in SUCH cue to-night! + +The lion was a literary one. Of course, there were a vast number +of people present who had admired his roarings, and were anxious to +be introduced to him; and very pleasant it was to see them brought +up for the purpose, and to observe the patient dignity with which +he received all their patting and caressing. This brought forcibly +to our mind what we had so often witnessed at country fairs, where +the other lions are compelled to go through as many forms of +courtesy as they chance to be acquainted with, just as often as +admiring parties happen to drop in upon them. + +While the lion was exhibiting in this way, his keeper was not idle, +for he mingled among the crowd, and spread his praises most +industriously. To one gentleman he whispered some very choice +thing that the noble animal had said in the very act of coming up- +stairs, which, of course, rendered the mental effort still more +astonishing; to another he murmured a hasty account of a grand +dinner that had taken place the day before, where twenty-seven +gentlemen had got up all at once to demand an extra cheer for the +lion; and to the ladies he made sundry promises of interceding to +procure the majestic brute's sign-manual for their albums. Then, +there were little private consultations in different corners, +relative to the personal appearance and stature of the lion; +whether he was shorter than they had expected to see him, or +taller, or thinner, or fatter, or younger, or older; whether he was +like his portrait, or unlike it; and whether the particular shade +of his eyes was black, or blue, or hazel, or green, or yellow, or +mixture. At all these consultations the keeper assisted; and, in +short, the lion was the sole and single subject of discussion till +they sat him down to whist, and then the people relapsed into their +old topics of conversation--themselves and each other. + +We must confess that we looked forward with no slight impatience to +the announcement of supper; for if you wish to see a tame lion +under particularly favourable circumstances, feeding-time is the +period of all others to pitch upon. We were therefore very much +delighted to observe a sensation among the guests, which we well +knew how to interpret, and immediately afterwards to behold the +lion escorting the lady of the house down-stairs. We offered our +arm to an elderly female of our acquaintance, who--dear old soul!-- +is the very best person that ever lived, to lead down to any meal; +for, be the room ever so small, or the party ever so large, she is +sure, by some intuitive perception of the eligible, to push and +pull herself and conductor close to the best dishes on the table;-- +we say we offered our arm to this elderly female, and, descending +the stairs shortly after the lion, were fortunate enough to obtain +a seat nearly opposite him. + +Of course the keeper was there already. He had planted himself at +precisely that distance from his charge which afforded him a decent +pretext for raising his voice, when he addressed him, to so loud a +key, as could not fail to attract the attention of the whole +company, and immediately began to apply himself seriously to the +task of bringing the lion out, and putting him through the whole of +his manoeuvres. Such flashes of wit as he elicited from the lion! +First of all, they began to make puns upon a salt-cellar, and then +upon the breast of a fowl, and then upon the trifle; but the best +jokes of all were decidedly on the lobster salad, upon which latter +subject the lion came out most vigorously, and, in the opinion of +the most competent authorities, quite outshone himself. This is a +very excellent mode of shining in society, and is founded, we +humbly conceive, upon the classic model of the dialogues between +Mr. Punch and his friend the proprietor, wherein the latter takes +all the up-hill work, and is content to pioneer to the jokes and +repartees of Mr. P. himself, who never fails to gain great credit +and excite much laughter thereby. Whatever it be founded on, +however, we recommend it to all lions, present and to come; for in +this instance it succeeded to admiration, and perfectly dazzled the +whole body of hearers. + +When the salt-cellar, and the fowl's breast, and the trifle, and +the lobster salad were all exhausted, and could not afford +standing-room for another solitary witticism, the keeper performed +that very dangerous feat which is still done with some of the +caravan lions, although in one instance it terminated fatally, of +putting his head in the animal's mouth, and placing himself +entirely at its mercy. Boswell frequently presents a melancholy +instance of the lamentable results of this achievement, and other +keepers and jackals have been terribly lacerated for their daring. +It is due to our lion to state, that he condescended to be trifled +with, in the most gentle manner, and finally went home with the +showman in a hack cab: perfectly peaceable, but slightly fuddled. + +Being in a contemplative mood, we were led to make some reflections +upon the character and conduct of this genus of lions as we walked +homewards, and we were not long in arriving at the conclusion that +our former impression in their favour was very much strengthened +and confirmed by what we had recently seen. While the other lions +receive company and compliments in a sullen, moody, not to say +snarling manner, these appear flattered by the attentions that are +paid them; while those conceal themselves to the utmost of their +power from the vulgar gaze, these court the popular eye, and, +unlike their brethren, whom nothing short of compulsion will move +to exertion, are ever ready to display their acquirements to the +wondering throng. We have known bears of undoubted ability who, +when the expectations of a large audience have been wound up to the +utmost pitch, have peremptorily refused to dance; well-taught +monkeys, who have unaccountably objected to exhibit on the slack +wire; and elephants of unquestioned genius, who have suddenly +declined to turn the barrel-organ; but we never once knew or heard +of a biped lion, literary or otherwise,--and we state it as a fact +which is highly creditable to the whole species,--who, occasion +offering, did not seize with avidity on any opportunity which was +afforded him, of performing to his heart's content on the first +violin. + + + +MR. ROBERT BOLTON: THE 'GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS' + + + +In the parlour of the Green Dragon, a public-house in the immediate +neighbourhood of Westminster Bridge, everybody talks politics, +every evening, the great political authority being Mr. Robert +Bolton, an individual who defines himself as 'a gentleman connected +with the press,' which is a definition of peculiar indefiniteness. +Mr. Robert Bolton's regular circle of admirers and listeners are an +undertaker, a greengrocer, a hairdresser, a baker, a large stomach +surmounted by a man's head, and placed on the top of two +particularly short legs, and a thin man in black, name, profession, +and pursuit unknown, who always sits in the same position, always +displays the same long, vacant face, and never opens his lips, +surrounded as he is by most enthusiastic conversation, except to +puff forth a volume of tobacco smoke, or give vent to a very +snappy, loud, and shrill HEM! The conversation sometimes turns +upon literature, Mr. Bolton being a literary character, and always +upon such news of the day as is exclusively possessed by that +talented individual. I found myself (of course, accidentally) in +the Green Dragon the other evening, and, being somewhat amused by +the following conversation, preserved it. + +'Can you lend me a ten-pound note till Christmas?' inquired the +hairdresser of the stomach. + +'Where's your security, Mr. Clip?' + +'My stock in trade,--there's enough of it, I'm thinking, Mr. +Thicknesse. Some fifty wigs, two poles, half-a-dozen head blocks, +and a dead Bruin.' + +'No, I won't, then,' growled out Thicknesse. 'I lends nothing on +the security of the whigs or the Poles either. As for whigs, +they're cheats; as for the Poles, they've got no cash. I never +have nothing to do with blockheads, unless I can't awoid it +(ironically), and a dead bear's about as much use to me as I could +be to a dead bear.' + +'Well, then,' urged the other, 'there's a book as belonged to Pope, +Byron's Poems, valued at forty pounds, because it's got Pope's +identical scratch on the back; what do you think of that for +security?' + +'Well, to be sure!' cried the baker. 'But how d'ye mean, Mr. +Clip?' + +'Mean! why, that it's got the HOTTERGRUFF of Pope. + + +"Steal not this book, for fear of hangman's rope; +For it belongs to Alexander Pope." + + +All that's written on the inside of the binding of the book; so, as +my son says, we're BOUND to believe it.' + +'Well, sir,' observed the undertaker, deferentially, and in a half- +whisper, leaning over the table, and knocking over the +hairdresser's grog as he spoke, 'that argument's very easy upset.' + +'Perhaps, sir,' said Clip, a little flurried, 'you'll pay for the +first upset afore you thinks of another.' + +'Now,' said the undertaker, bowing amicably to the hairdresser, 'I +THINK, I says I THINK--you'll excuse me, Mr. Clip, I THINK, you +see, that won't go down with the present company--unfortunately, my +master had the honour of making the coffin of that ere Lord's +housemaid, not no more nor twenty year ago. Don't think I'm proud +on it, gentlemen; others might be; but I hate rank of any sort. +I've no more respect for a Lord's footman than I have for any +respectable tradesman in this room. I may say no more nor I have +for Mr. Clip! (bowing). Therefore, that ere Lord must have been +born long after Pope died. And it's a logical interference to +defer, that they neither of them lived at the same time. So what I +mean is this here, that Pope never had no book, never seed, felt, +never smelt no book (triumphantly) as belonged to that ere Lord. +And, gentlemen, when I consider how patiently you have 'eared the +ideas what I have expressed, I feel bound, as the best way to +reward you for the kindness you have exhibited, to sit down without +saying anything more--partickler as I perceive a worthier visitor +nor myself is just entered. I am not in the habit of paying +compliments, gentlemen; when I do, therefore, I hope I strikes with +double force.' + +'Ah, Mr. Murgatroyd! what's all this about striking with double +force?' said the object of the above remark, as he entered. 'I +never excuse a man's getting into a rage during winter, even when +he's seated so close to the fire as you are. It is very +injudicious to put yourself into such a perspiration. What is the +cause of this extreme physical and mental excitement, sir?' + +Such was the very philosophical address of Mr. Robert Bolton, a +shorthand-writer, as he termed himself--a bit of equivoque passing +current among his fraternity, which must give the uninitiated a +vast idea of the establishment of the ministerial organ, while to +the initiated it signifies that no one paper can lay claim to the +enjoyment of their services. Mr. Bolton was a young man, with a +somewhat sickly and very dissipated expression of countenance. His +habiliments were composed of an exquisite union of gentility, +slovenliness, assumption, simplicity, NEWNESS, and old age. Half +of him was dressed for the winter, the other half for the summer. +His hat was of the newest cut, the D'Orsay; his trousers had been +white, but the inroads of mud and ink, etc., had given them a pie- +bald appearance; round his throat he wore a very high black cravat, +of the most tyrannical stiffness; while his tout ensemble was +hidden beneath the enormous folds of an old brown poodle-collared +great-coat, which was closely buttoned up to the aforesaid cravat. +His fingers peeped through the ends of his black kid gloves, and +two of the toes of each foot took a similar view of society through +the extremities of his high-lows. Sacred to the bare walls of his +garret be the mysteries of his interior dress! He was a short, +spare man, of a somewhat inferior deportment. Everybody seemed +influenced by his entry into the room, and his salutation of each +member partook of the patronizing. The hairdresser made way for +him between himself and the stomach. A minute afterwards he had +taken possession of his pint and pipe. A pause in the conversation +took place. Everybody was waiting, anxious for his first +observation. + +'Horrid murder in Westminster this morning,' observed Mr. Bolton. + +Everybody changed their positions. All eyes were fixed upon the +man of paragraphs. + +'A baker murdered his son by boiling him in a copper,' said Mr. +Bolton. + +'Good heavens!' exclaimed everybody, in simultaneous horror. + +'Boiled him, gentlemen!' added Mr. Bolton, with the most effective +emphasis; 'BOILED him!' + +'And the particulars, Mr. B.,' inquired the hairdresser, 'the +particulars?' + +Mr. Bolton took a very long draught of porter, and some two or +three dozen whiffs of tobacco, doubtless to instil into the +commercial capacities of the company the superiority of a gentlemen +connected with the press, and then said - + +'The man was a baker, gentlemen.' (Every one looked at the baker +present, who stared at Bolton.) 'His victim, being his son, also +was necessarily the son of a baker. The wretched murderer had a +wife, whom he was frequently in the habit, while in an intoxicated +state, of kicking, pummelling, flinging mugs at, knocking down, and +half-killing while in bed, by inserting in her mouth a considerable +portion of a sheet or blanket.' + +The speaker took another draught, everybody looked at everybody +else, and exclaimed, 'Horrid!' + +'It appears in evidence, gentlemen,' continued Mr. Bolton, 'that, +on the evening of yesterday, Sawyer the baker came home in a +reprehensible state of beer. Mrs. S., connubially considerate, +carried him in that condition up-stairs into his chamber, and +consigned him to their mutual couch. In a minute or two she lay +sleeping beside the man whom the morrow's dawn beheld a murderer!' +(Entire silence informed the reporter that his picture had attained +the awful effect he desired.) 'The son came home about an hour +afterwards, opened the door, and went up to bed. Scarcely +(gentlemen, conceive his feelings of alarm), scarcely had he taken +off his indescribables, when shrieks (to his experienced ear +MATERNAL shrieks) scared the silence of surrounding night. He put +his indescribables on again, and ran down-stairs. He opened the +door of the parental bed-chamber. His father was dancing upon his +mother. What must have been his feelings! In the agony of the +minute he rushed at his male parent as he was about to plunge a +knife into the side of his female. The mother shrieked. The +father caught the son (who had wrested the knife from the paternal +grasp) up in his arms, carried him down-stairs, shoved him into a +copper of boiling water among some linen, closed the lid, and +jumped upon the top of it, in which position he was found with a +ferocious countenance by the mother, who arrived in the melancholy +wash-house just as he had so settled himself. + +'"Where's my boy?" shrieked the mother. + +'"In that copper, boiling," coolly replied the benign father. + +'Struck by the awful intelligence, the mother rushed from the +house, and alarmed the neighbourhood. The police entered a minute +afterwards. The father, having bolted the wash-house door, had +bolted himself. They dragged the lifeless body of the boiled baker +from the cauldron, and, with a promptitude commendable in men of +their station, they immediately carried it to the station-house. +Subsequently, the baker was apprehended while seated on the top of +a lamp-post in Parliament Street, lighting his pipe.' + +The whole horrible ideality of the Mysteries of Udolpho, condensed +into the pithy effect of a ten-line paragraph, could not possibly +have so affected the narrator's auditory. Silence, the purest and +most noble of all kinds of applause, bore ample testimony to the +barbarity of the baker, as well as to Bolton's knack of narration; +and it was only broken after some minutes had elapsed by +interjectional expressions of the intense indignation of every man +present. The baker wondered how a British baker could so disgrace +himself and the highly honourable calling to which he belonged; and +the others indulged in a variety of wonderments connected with the +subject; among which not the least wonderment was that which was +awakened by the genius and information of Mr. Robert Bolton, who, +after a glowing eulogium on himself, and his unspeakable influence +with the daily press, was proceeding, with a most solemn +countenance, to hear the pros and cons of the Pope autograph +question, when I took up my hat, and left. + + + +FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD AGED TWO YEARS AND TWO +MONTHS + + + +MY CHILD, + +To recount with what trouble I have brought you up--with what an +anxious eye I have regarded your progress,--how late and how often +I have sat up at night working for you,--and how many thousand +letters I have received from, and written to your various relations +and friends, many of whom have been of a querulous and irritable +turn,--to dwell on the anxiety and tenderness with which I have (as +far as I possessed the power) inspected and chosen your food; +rejecting the indigestible and heavy matter which some injudicious +but well-meaning old ladies would have had you swallow, and +retaining only those light and pleasant articles which I deemed +calculated to keep you free from all gross humours, and to render +you an agreeable child, and one who might be popular with society +in general,--to dilate on the steadiness with which I have +prevented your annoying any company by talking politics--always +assuring you that you would thank me for it yourself some day when +you grew older,--to expatiate, in short, upon my own assiduity as a +parent, is beside my present purpose, though I cannot but +contemplate your fair appearance--your robust health, and unimpeded +circulation (which I take to be the great secret of your good +looks) without the liveliest satisfaction and delight. + +It is a trite observation, and one which, young as you are, I have +no doubt you have often heard repeated, that we have fallen upon +strange times, and live in days of constant shiftings and changes. +I had a melancholy instance of this only a week or two since. I +was returning from Manchester to London by the Mail Train, when I +suddenly fell into another train--a mixed train--of reflection, +occasioned by the dejected and disconsolate demeanour of the Post- +Office Guard. We were stopping at some station where they take in +water, when he dismounted slowly from the little box in which he +sits in ghastly mockery of his old condition with pistol and +blunderbuss beside him, ready to shoot the first highwayman (or +railwayman) who shall attempt to stop the horses, which now travel +(when they travel at all) INSIDE and in a portable stable invented +for the purpose,--he dismounted, I say, slowly and sadly, from his +post, and looking mournfully about him as if in dismal recollection +of the old roadside public-house the blazing fire--the glass of +foaming ale--the buxom handmaid and admiring hangers-on of tap-room +and stable, all honoured by his notice; and, retiring a little +apart, stood leaning against a signal-post, surveying the engine +with a look of combined affliction and disgust which no words can +describe. His scarlet coat and golden lace were tarnished with +ignoble smoke; flakes of soot had fallen on his bright green shawl- +-his pride in days of yore--the steam condensed in the tunnel from +which we had just emerged, shone upon his hat like rain. His eye +betokened that he was thinking of the coachman; and as it wandered +to his own seat and his own fast-fading garb, it was plain to see +that he felt his office and himself had alike no business there, +and were nothing but an elaborate practical joke. + +As we whirled away, I was led insensibly into an anticipation of +those days to come, when mail-coach guards shall no longer be +judges of horse-flesh--when a mail-coach guard shall never even +have seen a horse--when stations shall have superseded stables, and +corn shall have given place to coke. 'In those dawning times,' +thought I, 'exhibition-rooms shall teem with portraits of Her +Majesty's favourite engine, with boilers after Nature by future +Landseers. Some Amburgh, yet unborn, shall break wild horses by +his magic power; and in the dress of a mail-coach guard exhibit his +TRAINED ANIMALS in a mock mail-coach. Then, shall wondering crowds +observe how that, with the exception of his whip, it is all his +eye; and crowned heads shall see them fed on oats, and stand alone +unmoved and undismayed, while counters flee affrighted when the +coursers neigh!' + +Such, my child, were the reflections from which I was only awakened +then, as I am now, by the necessity of attending to matters of +present though minor importance. I offer no apology to you for the +digression, for it brings me very naturally to the subject of +change, which is the very subject of which I desire to treat. + +In fact, my child, you have changed hands. Henceforth I resign you +to the guardianship and protection of one of my most intimate and +valued friends, Mr. Ainsworth, with whom, and with you, my best +wishes and warmest feelings will ever remain. I reap no gain or +profit by parting from you, nor will any conveyance of your +property be required, for, in this respect, you have always been +literally 'Bentley's' Miscellany, and never mine. + +Unlike the driver of the old Manchester mail, I regard this altered +state of things with feelings of unmingled pleasure and +satisfaction. + +Unlike the guard of the new Manchester mail, YOUR guard is at home +in his new place, and has roystering highwaymen and gallant +desperadoes ever within call. And if I might compare you, my +child, to an engine; (not a Tory engine, nor a Whig engine, but a +brisk and rapid locomotive;) your friends and patrons to +passengers; and he who now stands towards you in loco parentis as +the skilful engineer and supervisor of the whole, I would humbly +crave leave to postpone the departure of the train on its new and +auspicious course for one brief instant, while, with hat in hand, I +approach side by side with the friend who travelled with me on the +old road, and presume to solicit favour and kindness in behalf of +him and his new charge, both for their sakes and that of the old +coachman, + +Boz. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES *** + +This file should be named mdfog10.txt or mdfog10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, mdfog11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, mdfog10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* + diff --git a/old/mdfog10.zip b/old/mdfog10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c1317e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mdfog10.zip diff --git a/old/mdfog10h.htm b/old/mdfog10h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f6f0bd --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mdfog10h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3293 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>Mudfog and Other Sketches</title> +</head> +<body> +<h2> +<a href="#startoftext">Mudfog and Other Sketches, by Charles Dickens</a> +</h2> +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mudfog and Other Sketches, by Charles Dickens +(#22 in our series by Charles Dickens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Mudfog and Other Sketches + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: May, 1997 [EBook #912] +[This file was first posted on May 19, 1997] +[Most recently updated: May 8, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII +</pre> +<p><a name="startoftext"></a></p> +<p>Transcribed from the 1903 edition by David Price, +email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines4"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<h1>MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES</h1> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<p>Contents:</p> +<p>I. PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE - ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG<br />II. + FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION<br /> FOR +THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING<br />III. FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND +MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION<br /> FOR +THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING<br />IV. THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE<br />V. + SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION<br />VI. MR. ROBERT +BOLTON: THE ‘GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS’<br />VII. +FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD AGED TWO YEARS AND TWO MONTHS</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE—ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Mudfog is a pleasant town—a remarkably pleasant town—situated +in a charming hollow by the side of a river, from which river, Mudfog +derives an agreeable scent of pitch, tar, coals, and rope-yarn, a roving +population in oilskin hats, a pretty steady influx of drunken bargemen, +and a great many other maritime advantages. There is a good deal +of water about Mudfog, and yet it is not exactly the sort of town for +a watering-place, either. Water is a perverse sort of element +at the best of times, and in Mudfog it is particularly so. In +winter, it comes oozing down the streets and tumbling over the fields,—nay, +rushes into the very cellars and kitchens of the houses, with a lavish +prodigality that might well be dispensed with; but in the hot summer +weather it <i>will</i> dry up, and turn green: and, although green is +a very good colour in its way, especially in grass, still it certainly +is not becoming to water; and it cannot be denied that the beauty of +Mudfog is rather impaired, even by this trifling circumstance. +Mudfog is a healthy place—very healthy;—damp, perhaps, but +none the worse for that. It’s quite a mistake to suppose +that damp is unwholesome: plants thrive best in damp situations, and +why shouldn’t men? The inhabitants of Mudfog are unanimous +in asserting that there exists not a finer race of people on the face +of the earth; here we have an indisputable and veracious contradiction +of the vulgar error at once. So, admitting Mudfog to be damp, +we distinctly state that it is salubrious.</p> +<p>The town of Mudfog is extremely picturesque. Limehouse and +Ratcliff Highway are both something like it, but they give you a very +faint idea of Mudfog. There are a great many more public-houses +in Mudfog—more than in Ratcliff Highway and Limehouse put together. +The public buildings, too, are very imposing. We consider the +town-hall one of the finest specimens of shed architecture, extant: +it is a combination of the pig-sty and tea-garden-box orders; and the +simplicity of its design is of surpassing beauty. The idea of +placing a large window on one side of the door, and a small one on the +other, is particularly happy. There is a fine old Doric beauty, +too, about the padlock and scraper, which is strictly in keeping with +the general effect.</p> +<p>In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assemble together +in solemn council for the public weal. Seated on the massive wooden +benches, which, with the table in the centre, form the only furniture +of the whitewashed apartment, the sage men of Mudfog spend hour after +hour in grave deliberation. Here they settle at what hour of the +night the public-houses shall be closed, at what hour of the morning +they shall be permitted to open, how soon it shall be lawful for people +to eat their dinner on church-days, and other great political questions; +and sometimes, long after silence has fallen on the town, and the distant +lights from the shops and houses have ceased to twinkle, like far-off +stars, to the sight of the boatmen on the river, the illumination in +the two unequal-sized windows of the town-hall, warns the inhabitants +of Mudfog that its little body of legislators, like a larger and better-known +body of the same genus, a great deal more noisy, and not a whit more +profound, are patriotically dozing away in company, far into the night, +for their country’s good.</p> +<p>Among this knot of sage and learned men, no one was so eminently +distinguished, during many years, for the quiet modesty of his appearance +and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the well-known coal-dealer. +However exciting the subject of discussion, however animated the tone +of the debate, or however warm the personalities exchanged, (and even +in Mudfog we get personal sometimes,) Nicholas Tulrumble was always +the same. To say truth, Nicholas, being an industrious man, and +always up betimes, was apt to fall asleep when a debate began, and to +remain asleep till it was over, when he would wake up very much refreshed, +and give his vote with the greatest complacency. The fact was, +that Nicholas Tulrumble, knowing that everybody there had made up his +mind beforehand, considered the talking as just a long botheration about +nothing at all; and to the present hour it remains a question, whether, +on this point at all events, Nicholas Tulrumble was not pretty near +right.</p> +<p>Time, which strews a man’s head with silver, sometimes fills +his pockets with gold. As he gradually performed one good office +for Nicholas Tulrumble, he was obliging enough, not to omit the other. +Nicholas began life in a wooden tenement of four feet square, with a +capital of two and ninepence, and a stock in trade of three bushels +and a-half of coals, exclusive of the large lump which hung, by way +of sign-board, outside. Then he enlarged the shed, and kept a +truck; then he left the shed, and the truck too, and started a donkey +and a Mrs. Tulrumble; then he moved again and set up a cart; the cart +was soon afterwards exchanged for a waggon; and so he went on like his +great predecessor Whittington—only without a cat for a partner—increasing +in wealth and fame, until at last he gave up business altogether, and +retired with Mrs. Tulrumble and family to Mudfog Hall, which he had +himself erected, on something which he attempted to delude himself into +the belief was a hill, about a quarter of a mile distant from the town +of Mudfog.</p> +<p>About this time, it began to be murmured in Mudfog that Nicholas +Tulrumble was growing vain and haughty; that prosperity and success +had corrupted the simplicity of his manners, and tainted the natural +goodness of his heart; in short, that he was setting up for a public +character, and a great gentleman, and affected to look down upon his +old companions with compassion and contempt. Whether these reports +were at the time well-founded, or not, certain it is that Mrs. Tulrumble +very shortly afterwards started a four-wheel chaise, driven by a tall +postilion in a yellow cap,—that Mr. Tulrumble junior took to smoking +cigars, and calling the footman a ‘feller,’—and that +Mr. Tulrumble from that time forth, was no more seen in his old seat +in the chimney-corner of the Lighterman’s Arms at night. +This looked bad; but, more than this, it began to be observed that Mr. +Nicholas Tulrumble attended the corporation meetings more frequently +than heretofore; and he no longer went to sleep as he had done for so +many years, but propped his eyelids open with his two forefingers; that +he read the newspapers by himself at home; and that he was in the habit +of indulging abroad in distant and mysterious allusions to ‘masses +of people,’ and ‘the property of the country,’ and +‘productive power,’ and ‘the monied interest:’ +all of which denoted and proved that Nicholas Tulrumble was either mad, +or worse; and it puzzled the good people of Mudfog amazingly.</p> +<p>At length, about the middle of the month of October, Mr. Tulrumble +and family went up to London; the middle of October being, as Mrs. Tulrumble +informed her acquaintance in Mudfog, the very height of the fashionable +season.</p> +<p>Somehow or other, just about this time, despite the health-preserving +air of Mudfog, the Mayor died. It was a most extraordinary circumstance; +he had lived in Mudfog for eighty-five years. The corporation +didn’t understand it at all; indeed it was with great difficulty +that one old gentleman, who was a great stickler for forms, was dissuaded +from proposing a vote of censure on such unaccountable conduct. +Strange as it was, however, die he did, without taking the slightest +notice of the corporation; and the corporation were imperatively called +upon to elect his successor. So, they met for the purpose; and +being very full of Nicholas Tulrumble just then, and Nicholas Tulrumble +being a very important man, they elected him, and wrote off to London +by the very next post to acquaint Nicholas Tulrumble with his new elevation.</p> +<p>Now, it being November time, and Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble being in +the capital, it fell out that he was present at the Lord Mayor’s +show and dinner, at sight of the glory and splendour whereof, he, Mr. +Tulrumble, was greatly mortified, inasmuch as the reflection would force +itself on his mind, that, had he been born in London instead of in Mudfog, +he might have been a Lord Mayor too, and have patronized the judges, +and been affable to the Lord Chancellor, and friendly with the Premier, +and coldly condescending to the Secretary to the Treasury, and have +dined with a flag behind his back, and done a great many other acts +and deeds which unto Lord Mayors of London peculiarly appertain. +The more he thought of the Lord Mayor, the more enviable a personage +he seemed. To be a King was all very well; but what was the King +to the Lord Mayor! When the King made a speech, everybody knew +it was somebody else’s writing; whereas here was the Lord Mayor, +talking away for half an hour-all out of his own head—amidst the +enthusiastic applause of the whole company, while it was notorious that +the King might talk to his parliament till he was black in the face +without getting so much as a single cheer. As all these reflections +passed through the mind of Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble, the Lord Mayor of +London appeared to him the greatest sovereign on the face of the earth, +beating the Emperor of Russia all to nothing, and leaving the Great +Mogul immeasurably behind.</p> +<p>Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering over these things, and inwardly +cursing the fate which had pitched his coal-shed in Mudfog, when the +letter of the corporation was put into his hand. A crimson flush +mantled over his face as he read it, for visions of brightness were +already dancing before his imagination.</p> +<p>‘My dear,’ said Mr. Tulrumble to his wife, ‘they +have elected me, Mayor of Mudfog.’</p> +<p>‘Lor-a-mussy!’ said Mrs. Tulrumble: ‘why what’s +become of old Sniggs?’</p> +<p>‘The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble,’ said Mr. Tulrumble +sharply, for he by no means approved of the notion of unceremoniously +designating a gentleman who filled the high office of Mayor, as ‘Old +Sniggs,’—‘The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble, is +dead.’</p> +<p>The communication was very unexpected; but Mrs. Tulrumble only ejaculated +‘Lor-a-mussy!’ once again, as if a Mayor were a mere ordinary +Christian, at which Mr. Tulrumble frowned gloomily.</p> +<p>‘What a pity ’tan’t in London, ain’t it?’ +said Mrs. Tulrumble, after a short pause; ‘what a pity ’tan’t +in London, where you might have had a show.’</p> +<p>‘I <i>might</i> have a show in Mudfog, if I thought proper, +I apprehend,’ said Mr. Tulrumble mysteriously.</p> +<p>‘Lor! so you might, I declare,’ replied Mrs. Tulrumble.</p> +<p>‘And a good one too,’ said Mr. Tulrumble.</p> +<p>‘Delightful!’ exclaimed Mrs. Tulrumble.</p> +<p>‘One which would rather astonish the ignorant people down there,’ +said Mr. Tulrumble.</p> +<p>‘It would kill them with envy,’ said Mrs. Tulrumble.</p> +<p>So it was agreed that his Majesty’s lieges in Mudfog should +be astonished with splendour, and slaughtered with envy, and that such +a show should take place as had never been seen in that town, or in +any other town before,—no, not even in London itself.</p> +<p>On the very next day after the receipt of the letter, down came the +tall postilion in a post-chaise,—not upon one of the horses, but +inside—actually inside the chaise,—and, driving up to the +very door of the town-hall, where the corporation were assembled, delivered +a letter, written by the Lord knows who, and signed by Nicholas Tulrumble, +in which Nicholas said, all through four sides of closely-written, gilt-edged, +hot-pressed, Bath post letter paper, that he responded to the call of +his fellow-townsmen with feelings of heartfelt delight; that he accepted +the arduous office which their confidence had imposed upon him; that +they would never find him shrinking from the discharge of his duty; +that he would endeavour to execute his functions with all that dignity +which their magnitude and importance demanded; and a great deal more +to the same effect. But even this was not all. The tall +postilion produced from his right-hand top-boot, a damp copy of that +afternoon’s number of the county paper; and there, in large type, +running the whole length of the very first column, was a long address +from Nicholas Tulrumble to the inhabitants of Mudfog, in which he said +that he cheerfully complied with their requisition, and, in short, as +if to prevent any mistake about the matter, told them over again what +a grand fellow he meant to be, in very much the same terms as those +in which he had already told them all about the matter in his letter.</p> +<p>The corporation stared at one another very hard at all this, and +then looked as if for explanation to the tall postilion, but as the +tall postilion was intently contemplating the gold tassel on the top +of his yellow cap, and could have afforded no explanation whatever, +even if his thoughts had been entirely disengaged, they contented themselves +with coughing very dubiously, and looking very grave. The tall +postilion then delivered another letter, in which Nicholas Tulrumble +informed the corporation, that he intended repairing to the town-hall, +in grand state and gorgeous procession, on the Monday afternoon next +ensuing. At this the corporation looked still more solemn; but, +as the epistle wound up with a formal invitation to the whole body to +dine with the Mayor on that day, at Mudfog Hall, Mudfog Hill, Mudfog, +they began to see the fun of the thing directly, and sent back their +compliments, and they’d be sure to come.</p> +<p>Now there happened to be in Mudfog, as somehow or other there does +happen to be, in almost every town in the British dominions, and perhaps +in foreign dominions too—we think it very likely, but, being no +great traveller, cannot distinctly say—there happened to be, in +Mudfog, a merry-tempered, pleasant-faced, good-for-nothing sort of vagabond, +with an invincible dislike to manual labour, and an unconquerable attachment +to strong beer and spirits, whom everybody knew, and nobody, except +his wife, took the trouble to quarrel with, who inherited from his ancestors +the appellation of Edward Twigger, and rejoiced in the <i>sobriquet</i> +of Bottle-nosed Ned. He was drunk upon the average once a day, +and penitent upon an equally fair calculation once a month; and when +he was penitent, he was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin +intoxication. He was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, +with a burly form, a sharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his +hand to anything when he chose to do it. He was by no means opposed +to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match +by the day together,—running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, +and revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley-slave. He would +have been invaluable to a fire-office; never was a man with such a natural +taste for pumping engines, running up ladders, and throwing furniture +out of two-pair-of-stairs’ windows: nor was this the only element +in which he was at home; he was a humane society in himself, a portable +drag, an animated life-preserver, and had saved more people, in his +time, from drowning, than the Plymouth life-boat, or Captain Manby’s +apparatus. With all these qualifications, notwithstanding his +dissipation, Bottle-nosed Ned was a general favourite; and the authorities +of Mudfog, remembering his numerous services to the population, allowed +him in return to get drunk in his own way, without the fear of stocks, +fine, or imprisonment. He had a general licence, and he showed +his sense of the compliment by making the most of it.</p> +<p>We have been thus particular in describing the character and avocations +of Bottle-nosed Ned, because it enables us to introduce a fact politely, +without hauling it into the reader’s presence with indecent haste +by the head and shoulders, and brings us very naturally to relate, that +on the very same evening on which Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble and family +returned to Mudfog, Mr. Tulrumble’s new secretary, just imported +from London, with a pale face and light whiskers, thrust his head down +to the very bottom of his neckcloth-tie, in at the tap-room door of +the Lighterman’s Arms, and inquiring whether one Ned Twigger was +luxuriating within, announced himself as the bearer of a message from +Nicholas Tulrumble, Esquire, requiring Mr. Twigger’s immediate +attendance at the hall, on private and particular business. It +being by no means Mr. Twigger’s interest to affront the Mayor, +he rose from the fireplace with a slight sigh, and followed the light-whiskered +secretary through the dirt and wet of Mudfog streets, up to Mudfog Hall, +without further ado.</p> +<p>Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in a small cavern with a skylight, +which he called his library, sketching out a plan of the procession +on a large sheet of paper; and into the cavern the secretary ushered +Ned Twigger.</p> +<p>‘Well, Twigger!’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, condescendingly.</p> +<p>There was a time when Twigger would have replied, ‘Well, Nick!’ +but that was in the days of the truck, and a couple of years before +the donkey; so, he only bowed.</p> +<p>‘I want you to go into training, Twigger,’ said Mr. Tulrumble.</p> +<p>‘What for, sir?’ inquired Ned, with a stare.</p> +<p>‘Hush, hush, Twigger!’ said the Mayor. ‘Shut +the door, Mr. Jennings. Look here, Twigger.’</p> +<p>As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a high closet, and disclosed +a complete suit of brass armour, of gigantic dimensions.</p> +<p>‘I want you to wear this next Monday, Twigger,’ said +the Mayor.</p> +<p>‘Bless your heart and soul, sir!’ replied Ned, ‘you +might as well ask me to wear a seventy-four pounder, or a cast-iron +boiler.’</p> +<p>‘Nonsense, Twigger, nonsense!’ said the Mayor.</p> +<p>‘I couldn’t stand under it, sir,’ said Twigger; +‘it would make mashed potatoes of me, if I attempted it.’</p> +<p>‘Pooh, pooh, Twigger!’ returned the Mayor. ‘I +tell you I have seen it done with my own eyes, in London, and the man +wasn’t half such a man as you are, either.’</p> +<p>‘I should as soon have thought of a man’s wearing the +case of an eight-day clock to save his linen,’ said Twigger, casting +a look of apprehension at the brass suit.</p> +<p>‘It’s the easiest thing in the world,’ rejoined +the Mayor.</p> +<p>‘It’s nothing,’ said Mr. Jennings.</p> +<p>‘When you’re used to it,’ added Ned.</p> +<p>‘You do it by degrees,’ said the Mayor. ‘You +would begin with one piece to-morrow, and two the next day, and so on, +till you had got it all on. Mr. Jennings, give Twigger a glass +of rum. Just try the breast-plate, Twigger. Stay; take another +glass of rum first. Help me to lift it, Mr. Jennings. Stand +firm, Twigger! There!—it isn’t half as heavy as it +looks, is it?’</p> +<p>Twigger was a good strong, stout fellow; so, after a great deal of +staggering, he managed to keep himself up, under the breastplate, and +even contrived, with the aid of another glass of rum, to walk about +in it, and the gauntlets into the bargain. He made a trial of +the helmet, but was not equally successful, inasmuch as he tipped over +instantly,—an accident which Mr. Tulrumble clearly demonstrated +to be occasioned by his not having a counteracting weight of brass on +his legs.</p> +<p>‘Now, wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next,’ +said Tulrumble, ‘and I’ll make your fortune.’</p> +<p>‘I’ll try what I can do, sir,’ said Twigger.</p> +<p>‘It must be kept a profound secret,’ said Tulrumble.</p> +<p>‘Of course, sir,’ replied Twigger.</p> +<p>‘And you must be sober,’ said Tulrumble; ‘perfectly +sober.’ Mr. Twigger at once solemnly pledged himself to +be as sober as a judge, and Nicholas Tulrumble was satisfied, although, +had we been Nicholas, we should certainly have exacted some promise +of a more specific nature; inasmuch as, having attended the Mudfog assizes +in the evening more than once, we can solemnly testify to having seen +judges with very strong symptoms of dinner under their wigs. However, +that’s neither here nor there.</p> +<p>The next day, and the day following, and the day after that, Ned +Twigger was securely locked up in the small cavern with the sky-light, +hard at work at the armour. With every additional piece he could +manage to stand upright in, he had an additional glass of rum; and at +last, after many partial suffocations, he contrived to get on the whole +suit, and to stagger up and down the room in it, like an intoxicated +effigy from Westminster Abbey.</p> +<p>Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble; never was woman +so charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble’s wife. Here was a sight +for the common people of Mudfog! A live man in brass armour! +Why, they would go wild with wonder!</p> +<p>The day—<i>the</i> Monday—arrived.</p> +<p>If the morning had been made to order, it couldn’t have been +better adapted to the purpose. They never showed a better fog +in London on Lord Mayor’s day, than enwrapped the town of Mudfog +on that eventful occasion. It had risen slowly and surely from +the green and stagnant water with the first light of morning, until +it reached a little above the lamp-post tops; and there it had stopped, +with a sleepy, sluggish obstinacy, which bade defiance to the sun, who +had got up very blood-shot about the eyes, as if he had been at a drinking-party +over-night, and was doing his day’s work with the worst possible +grace. The thick damp mist hung over the town like a huge gauze +curtain. All was dim and dismal. The church steeples had +bidden a temporary adieu to the world below; and every object of lesser +importance—houses, barns, hedges, trees, and barges—had +all taken the veil.</p> +<p>The church-clock struck one. A cracked trumpet from the front +garden of Mudfog Hall produced a feeble flourish, as if some asthmatic +person had coughed into it accidentally; the gate flew open, and out +came a gentleman, on a moist-sugar coloured charger, intended to represent +a herald, but bearing a much stronger resemblance to a court-card on +horseback. This was one of the Circus people, who always came +down to Mudfog at that time of the year, and who had been engaged by +Nicholas Tulrumble expressly for the occasion. There was the horse, +whisking his tail about, balancing himself on his hind-legs, and flourishing +away with his fore-feet, in a manner which would have gone to the hearts +and souls of any reasonable crowd. But a Mudfog crowd never was +a reasonable one, and in all probability never will be. Instead +of scattering the very fog with their shouts, as they ought most indubitably +to have done, and were fully intended to do, by Nicholas Tulrumble, +they no sooner recognized the herald, than they began to growl forth +the most unqualified disapprobation at the bare notion of his riding +like any other man. If he had come out on his head indeed, or +jumping through a hoop, or flying through a red-hot drum, or even standing +on one leg with his other foot in his mouth, they might have had something +to say to him; but for a professional gentleman to sit astride in the +saddle, with his feet in the stirrups, was rather too good a joke. +So, the herald was a decided failure, and the crowd hooted with great +energy, as he pranced ingloriously away.</p> +<p>On the procession came. We are afraid to say how many supernumeraries +there were, in striped shirts and black velvet caps, to imitate the +London watermen, or how many base imitations of running-footmen, or +how many banners, which, owing to the heaviness of the atmosphere, could +by no means be prevailed on to display their inscriptions: still less +do we feel disposed to relate how the men who played the wind instruments, +looking up into the sky (we mean the fog) with musical fervour, walked +through pools of water and hillocks of mud, till they covered the powdered +heads of the running-footmen aforesaid with splashes, that looked curious, +but not ornamental; or how the barrel-organ performer put on the wrong +stop, and played one tune while the band played another; or how the +horses, being used to the arena, and not to the streets, would stand +still and dance, instead of going on and prancing;—all of which +are matters which might be dilated upon to great advantage, but which +we have not the least intention of dilating upon, notwithstanding.</p> +<p>Oh! it was a grand and beautiful sight to behold a corporation in +glass coaches, provided at the sole cost and charge of Nicholas Tulrumble, +coming rolling along, like a funeral out of mourning, and to watch the +attempts the corporation made to look great and solemn, when Nicholas +Tulrumble himself, in the four-wheel chaise, with the tall postilion, +rolled out after them, with Mr. Jennings on one side to look like a +chaplain, and a supernumerary on the other, with an old life-guardsman’s +sabre, to imitate the sword-bearer; and to see the tears rolling down +the faces of the mob as they screamed with merriment. This was +beautiful! and so was the appearance of Mrs. Tulrumble and son, as they +bowed with grave dignity out of their coach-window to all the dirty +faces that were laughing around them: but it is not even with this that +we have to do, but with the sudden stopping of the procession at another +blast of the trumpet, whereat, and whereupon, a profound silence ensued, +and all eyes were turned towards Mudfog Hall, in the confident anticipation +of some new wonder.</p> +<p>‘They won’t laugh now, Mr. Jennings,’ said Nicholas +Tulrumble.</p> +<p>‘I think not, sir,’ said Mr. Jennings.</p> +<p>‘See how eager they look,’ said Nicholas Tulrumble. +‘Aha! the laugh will be on our side now; eh, Mr. Jennings?’</p> +<p>‘No doubt of that, sir,’ replied Mr. Jennings; and Nicholas +Tulrumble, in a state of pleasurable excitement, stood up in the four-wheel +chaise, and telegraphed gratification to the Mayoress behind.</p> +<p>While all this was going forward, Ned Twigger had descended into +the kitchen of Mudfog Hall for the purpose of indulging the servants +with a private view of the curiosity that was to burst upon the town; +and, somehow or other, the footman was so companionable, and the housemaid +so kind, and the cook so friendly, that he could not resist the offer +of the first-mentioned to sit down and take something—just to +drink success to master in.</p> +<p>So, down Ned Twigger sat himself in his brass livery on the top of +the kitchen-table; and in a mug of something strong, paid for by the +unconscious Nicholas Tulrumble, and provided by the companionable footman, +drank success to the Mayor and his procession; and, as Ned laid by his +helmet to imbibe the something strong, the companionable footman put +it on his own head, to the immeasurable and unrecordable delight of +the cook and housemaid. The companionable footman was very facetious +to Ned, and Ned was very gallant to the cook and housemaid by turns. +They were all very cosy and comfortable; and the something strong went +briskly round.</p> +<p>At last Ned Twigger was loudly called for, by the procession people: +and, having had his helmet fixed on, in a very complicated manner, by +the companionable footman, and the kind housemaid, and the friendly +cook, he walked gravely forth, and appeared before the multitude.</p> +<p>The crowd roared—it was not with wonder, it was not with surprise; +it was most decidedly and unquestionably with laughter.</p> +<p>‘What!’ said Mr. Tulrumble, starting up in the four-wheel +chaise. ‘Laughing? If they laugh at a man in real +brass armour, they’d laugh when their own fathers were dying. +Why doesn’t he go into his place, Mr. Jennings? What’s +he rolling down towards us for? he has no business here!’</p> +<p>‘I am afraid, sir—’ faltered Mr. Jennings.</p> +<p>‘Afraid of what, sir?’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, looking +up into the secretary’s face.</p> +<p>‘I am afraid he’s drunk, sir,’ replied Mr. Jennings.</p> +<p>Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at the extraordinary figure that +was bearing down upon them; and then, clasping his secretary by the +arm, uttered an audible groan in anguish of spirit.</p> +<p>It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigger having full licence to demand +a single glass of rum on the putting on of every piece of the armour, +got, by some means or other, rather out of his calculation in the hurry +and confusion of preparation, and drank about four glasses to a piece +instead of one, not to mention the something strong which went on the +top of it. Whether the brass armour checked the natural flow of +perspiration, and thus prevented the spirit from evaporating, we are +not scientific enough to know; but, whatever the cause was, Mr. Twigger +no sooner found himself outside the gate of Mudfog Hall, than he also +found himself in a very considerable state of intoxication; and hence +his extraordinary style of progressing. This was bad enough, but, +as if fate and fortune had conspired against Nicholas Tulrumble, Mr. +Twigger, not having been penitent for a good calendar month, took it +into his head to be most especially and particularly sentimental, just +when his repentance could have been most conveniently dispensed with. +Immense tears were rolling down his cheeks, and he was vainly endeavouring +to conceal his grief by applying to his eyes a blue cotton pocket-handkerchief +with white spots,—an article not strictly in keeping with a suit +of armour some three hundred years old, or thereabouts.</p> +<p>‘Twigger, you villain!’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, quite +forgetting his dignity, ‘go back.’</p> +<p>‘Never,’ said Ned. ‘I’m a miserable +wretch. I’ll never leave you.’</p> +<p>The by-standers of course received this declaration with acclamations +of ‘That’s right, Ned; don’t!’</p> +<p>‘I don’t intend it,’ said Ned, with all the obstinacy +of a very tipsy man. ‘I’m very unhappy. I’m +the wretched father of an unfortunate family; but I am very faithful, +sir. I’ll never leave you.’ Having reiterated +this obliging promise, Ned proceeded in broken words to harangue the +crowd upon the number of years he had lived in Mudfog, the excessive +respectability of his character, and other topics of the like nature.</p> +<p>‘Here! will anybody lead him away?’ said Nicholas: ‘if +they’ll call on me afterwards, I’ll reward them well.’</p> +<p>Two or three men stepped forward, with the view of bearing Ned off, +when the secretary interposed.</p> +<p>‘Take care! take care!’ said Mr. Jennings. ‘I +beg your pardon, sir; but they’d better not go too near him, because, +if he falls over, he’ll certainly crush somebody.’</p> +<p>At this hint the crowd retired on all sides to a very respectful +distance, and left Ned, like the Duke of Devonshire, in a little circle +of his own.</p> +<p>‘But, Mr. Jennings,’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, ‘he’ll +be suffocated.’</p> +<p>‘I’m very sorry for it, sir,’ replied Mr. Jennings; +‘but nobody can get that armour off, without his own assistance. +I’m quite certain of it from the way he put it on.’</p> +<p>Here Ned wept dolefully, and shook his helmeted head, in a manner +that might have touched a heart of stone; but the crowd had not hearts +of stone, and they laughed heartily.</p> +<p>‘Dear me, Mr. Jennings,’ said Nicholas, turning pale +at the possibility of Ned’s being smothered in his antique costume—‘Dear +me, Mr. Jennings, can nothing be done with him?’</p> +<p>‘Nothing at all,’ replied Ned, ‘nothing at all. +Gentlemen, I’m an unhappy wretch. I’m a body, gentlemen, +in a brass coffin.’ At this poetical idea of his own conjuring +up, Ned cried so much that the people began to get sympathetic, and +to ask what Nicholas Tulrumble meant by putting a man into such a machine +as that; and one individual in a hairy waistcoat like the top of a trunk, +who had previously expressed his opinion that if Ned hadn’t been +a poor man, Nicholas wouldn’t have dared do it, hinted at the +propriety of breaking the four-wheel chaise, or Nicholas’s head, +or both, which last compound proposition the crowd seemed to consider +a very good notion.</p> +<p>It was not acted upon, however, for it had hardly been broached, +when Ned Twigger’s wife made her appearance abruptly in the little +circle before noticed, and Ned no sooner caught a glimpse of her face +and form, than from the mere force of habit he set off towards his home +just as fast as his legs could carry him; and that was not very quick +in the present instance either, for, however ready they might have been +to carry <i>him</i>, they couldn’t get on very well under the +brass armour. So, Mrs. Twigger had plenty of time to denounce +Nicholas Tulrumble to his face: to express her opinion that he was a +decided monster; and to intimate that, if her ill-used husband sustained +any personal damage from the brass armour, she would have the law of +Nicholas Tulrumble for manslaughter. When she had said all this +with due vehemence, she posted after Ned, who was dragging himself along +as best he could, and deploring his unhappiness in most dismal tones.</p> +<p>What a wailing and screaming Ned’s children raised when he +got home at last! Mrs. Twigger tried to undo the armour, first +in one place, and then in another, but she couldn’t manage it; +so she tumbled Ned into bed, helmet, armour, gauntlets, and all. +Such a creaking as the bedstead made, under Ned’s weight in his +new suit! It didn’t break down though; and there Ned lay, +like the anonymous vessel in the Bay of Biscay, till next day, drinking +barley-water, and looking miserable: and every time he groaned, his +good lady said it served him right, which was all the consolation Ned +Twigger got.</p> +<p>Nicholas Tulrumble and the gorgeous procession went on together to +the town-hall, amid the hisses and groans of all the spectators, who +had suddenly taken it into their heads to consider poor Ned a martyr. +Nicholas was formally installed in his new office, in acknowledgment +of which ceremony he delivered himself of a speech, composed by the +secretary, which was very long, and no doubt very good, only the noise +of the people outside prevented anybody from hearing it, but Nicholas +Tulrumble himself. After which, the procession got back to Mudfog +Hall any how it could; and Nicholas and the corporation sat down to +dinner.</p> +<p>But the dinner was flat, and Nicholas was disappointed. They +were such dull sleepy old fellows, that corporation. Nicholas +made quite as long speeches as the Lord Mayor of London had done, nay, +he said the very same things that the Lord Mayor of London had said, +and the deuce a cheer the corporation gave him. There was only +one man in the party who was thoroughly awake; and he was insolent, +and called him Nick. Nick! What would be the consequence, +thought Nicholas, of anybody presuming to call the Lord Mayor of London +‘Nick!’ He should like to know what the sword-bearer +would say to that; or the recorder, or the toast-master, or any other +of the great officers of the city. They’d nick him.</p> +<p>But these were not the worst of Nicholas Tulrumble’s doings. +If they had been, he might have remained a Mayor to this day, and have +talked till he lost his voice. He contracted a relish for statistics, +and got philosophical; and the statistics and the philosophy together, +led him into an act which increased his unpopularity and hastened his +downfall.</p> +<p>At the very end of the Mudfog High-street, and abutting on the river-side, +stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashioned low-roofed, bay-windowed +house, with a bar, kitchen, and tap-room all in one, and a large fireplace +with a kettle to correspond, round which the working men have congregated +time out of mind on a winter’s night, refreshed by draughts of +good strong beer, and cheered by the sounds of a fiddle and tambourine: +the Jolly Boatmen having been duly licensed by the Mayor and corporation, +to scrape the fiddle and thumb the tambourine from time, whereof the +memory of the oldest inhabitants goeth not to the contrary. Now +Nicholas Tulrumble had been reading pamphlets on crime, and parliamentary +reports,—or had made the secretary read them to him, which is +the same thing in effect,—and he at once perceived that this fiddle +and tambourine must have done more to demoralize Mudfog, than any other +operating causes that ingenuity could imagine. So he read up for +the subject, and determined to come out on the corporation with a burst, +the very next time the licence was applied for.</p> +<p>The licensing day came, and the red-faced landlord of the Jolly Boatmen +walked into the town-hall, looking as jolly as need be, having actually +put on an extra fiddle for that night, to commemorate the anniversary +of the Jolly Boatmen’s music licence. It was applied for +in due form, and was just about to be granted as a matter of course, +when up rose Nicholas Tulrumble, and drowned the astonished corporation +in a torrent of eloquence. He descanted in glowing terms upon +the increasing depravity of his native town of Mudfog, and the excesses +committed by its population. Then, he related how shocked he had +been, to see barrels of beer sliding down into the cellar of the Jolly +Boatmen week after week; and how he had sat at a window opposite the +Jolly Boatmen for two days together, to count the people who went in +for beer between the hours of twelve and one o’clock alone—which, +by-the-bye, was the time at which the great majority of the Mudfog people +dined. Then, he went on to state, how the number of people who +came out with beer-jugs, averaged twenty-one in five minutes, which, +being multiplied by twelve, gave two hundred and fifty-two people with +beer-jugs in an hour, and multiplied again by fifteen (the number of +hours during which the house was open daily) yielded three thousand +seven hundred and eighty people with beer-jugs per day, or twenty-six +thousand four hundred and sixty people with beer-jugs, per week. +Then he proceeded to show that a tambourine and moral degradation were +synonymous terms, and a fiddle and vicious propensities wholly inseparable. +All these arguments he strengthened and demonstrated by frequent references +to a large book with a blue cover, and sundry quotations from the Middlesex +magistrates; and in the end, the corporation, who were posed with the +figures, and sleepy with the speech, and sadly in want of dinner into +the bargain, yielded the palm to Nicholas Tulrumble, and refused the +music licence to the Jolly Boatmen.</p> +<p>But although Nicholas triumphed, his triumph was short. He +carried on the war against beer-jugs and fiddles, forgetting the time +when he was glad to drink out of the one, and to dance to the other, +till the people hated, and his old friends shunned him. He grew +tired of the lonely magnificence of Mudfog Hall, and his heart yearned +towards the Lighterman’s Arms. He wished he had never set +up as a public man, and sighed for the good old times of the coal-shop, +and the chimney corner.</p> +<p>At length old Nicholas, being thoroughly miserable, took heart of +grace, paid the secretary a quarter’s wages in advance, and packed +him off to London by the next coach. Having taken this step, he +put his hat on his head, and his pride in his pocket, and walked down +to the old room at the Lighterman’s Arms. There were only +two of the old fellows there, and they looked coldly on Nicholas as +he proffered his hand.</p> +<p>‘Are you going to put down pipes, Mr. Tulrumble?’ said +one.</p> +<p>‘Or trace the progress of crime to ‘bacca?’ growled +another.</p> +<p>‘Neither,’ replied Nicholas Tulrumble, shaking hands +with them both, whether they would or not. ‘I’ve come +down to say that I’m very sorry for having made a fool of myself, +and that I hope you’ll give me up the old chair, again.’</p> +<p>The old fellows opened their eyes, and three or four more old fellows +opened the door, to whom Nicholas, with tears in his eyes, thrust out +his hand too, and told the same story. They raised a shout of +joy, that made the bells in the ancient church-tower vibrate again, +and wheeling the old chair into the warm corner, thrust old Nicholas +down into it, and ordered in the very largest-sized bowl of hot punch, +with an unlimited number of pipes, directly.</p> +<p>The next day, the Jolly Boatmen got the licence, and the next night, +old Nicholas and Ned Twigger’s wife led off a dance to the music +of the fiddle and tambourine, the tone of which seemed mightily improved +by a little rest, for they never had played so merrily before. +Ned Twigger was in the very height of his glory, and he danced hornpipes, +and balanced chairs on his chin, and straws on his nose, till the whole +company, including the corporation, were in raptures of admiration at +the brilliancy of his acquirements.</p> +<p>Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn’t make up his mind to be anything +but magnificent, so he went up to London and drew bills on his father; +and when he had overdrawn, and got into debt, he grew penitent, and +came home again.</p> +<p>As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, and having had six weeks of +public life, never tried it any more. He went to sleep in the +town-hall at the very next meeting; and, in full proof of his sincerity, +has requested us to write this faithful narrative. We wish it +could have the effect of reminding the Tulrumbles of another sphere, +that puffed-up conceit is not dignity, and that snarling at the little +pleasures they were once glad to enjoy, because they would rather forget +the times when they were of lower station, renders them objects of contempt +and ridicule.</p> +<p>This is the first time we have published any of our gleanings from +this particular source. Perhaps, at some future period, we may +venture to open the chronicles of Mudfog.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE +ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>We have made the most unparalleled and extraordinary exertions to +place before our readers a complete and accurate account of the proceedings +at the late grand meeting of the Mudfog Association, holden in the town +of Mudfog; it affords us great happiness to lay the result before them, +in the shape of various communications received from our able, talented, +and graphic correspondent, expressly sent down for the purpose, who +has immortalized us, himself, Mudfog, and the association, all at one +and the same time. We have been, indeed, for some days unable +to determine who will transmit the greatest name to posterity; ourselves, +who sent our correspondent down; our correspondent, who wrote an account +of the matter; or the association, who gave our correspondent something +to write about. We rather incline to the opinion that we are the +greatest man of the party, inasmuch as the notion of an exclusive and +authentic report originated with us; this may be prejudice: it may arise +from a prepossession on our part in our own favour. Be it so. +We have no doubt that every gentleman concerned in this mighty assemblage +is troubled with the same complaint in a greater or less degree; and +it is a consolation to us to know that we have at least this feeling +in common with the great scientific stars, the brilliant and extraordinary +luminaries, whose speculations we record.</p> +<p>We give our correspondent’s letters in the order in which they +reached us. Any attempt at amalgamating them into one beautiful +whole, would only destroy that glowing tone, that dash of wildness, +and rich vein of picturesque interest, which pervade them throughout.</p> +<p><i>‘Mudfog, Monday night, seven o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘We are in a state of great excitement here. Nothing +is spoken of, but the approaching meeting of the association. +The inn-doors are thronged with waiters anxiously looking for the expected +arrivals; and the numerous bills which are wafered up in the windows +of private houses, intimating that there are beds to let within, give +the streets a very animated and cheerful appearance, the wafers being +of a great variety of colours, and the monotony of printed inscriptions +being relieved by every possible size and style of hand-writing. +It is confidently rumoured that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy have +engaged three beds and a sitting-room at the Pig and Tinder-box. +I give you the rumour as it has reached me; but I cannot, as yet, vouch +for its accuracy. The moment I have been enabled to obtain any +certain information upon this interesting point, you may depend upon +receiving it.’</p> +<p><i>‘Half-past seven.</i></p> +<p>I have just returned from a personal interview with the landlord +of the Pig and Tinder-box. He speaks confidently of the probability +of Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy taking up their residence at his +house during the sitting of the association, but denies that the beds +have been yet engaged; in which representation he is confirmed by the +chambermaid—a girl of artless manners, and interesting appearance. +The boots denies that it is at all likely that Professors Snore, Doze, +and Wheezy will put up here; but I have reason to believe that this +man has been suborned by the proprietor of the Original Pig, which is +the opposition hotel. Amidst such conflicting testimony it is +difficult to arrive at the real truth; but you may depend upon receiving +authentic information upon this point the moment the fact is ascertained. +The excitement still continues. A boy fell through the window +of the pastrycook’s shop at the corner of the High-street about +half an hour ago, which has occasioned much confusion. The general +impression is, that it was an accident. Pray heaven it may prove +so!’</p> +<p><i>‘Tuesday, noon.</i></p> +<p>‘At an early hour this morning the bells of all the churches +struck seven o’clock; the effect of which, in the present lively +state of the town, was extremely singular. While I was at breakfast, +a yellow gig, drawn by a dark grey horse, with a patch of white over +his right eyelid, proceeded at a rapid pace in the direction of the +Original Pig stables; it is currently reported that this gentleman has +arrived here for the purpose of attending the association, and, from +what I have heard, I consider it extremely probable, although nothing +decisive is yet known regarding him. You may conceive the anxiety +with which we are all looking forward to the arrival of the four o’clock +coach this afternoon.</p> +<p>‘Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no outrage +has yet been committed, owing to the admirable discipline and discretion +of the police, who are nowhere to be seen. A barrel-organ is playing +opposite my window, and groups of people, offering fish and vegetables +for sale, parade the streets. With these exceptions everything +is quiet, and I trust will continue so.’</p> +<p><i>‘Five o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘It is now ascertained, beyond all doubt, that Professors Snore, +Doze, and Wheezy will <i>not</i> repair to the Pig and Tinder-box, but +have actually engaged apartments at the Original Pig. This intelligence +is <i>exclusive</i>; and I leave you and your readers to draw their +own inferences from it. Why Professor Wheezy, of all people in +the world, should repair to the Original Pig in preference to the Pig +and Tinder-box, it is not easy to conceive. The professor is a +man who should be above all such petty feelings. Some people here +openly impute treachery, and a distinct breach of faith to Professors +Snore and Doze; while others, again, are disposed to acquit them of +any culpability in the transaction, and to insinuate that the blame +rests solely with Professor Wheezy. I own that I incline to the +latter opinion; and although it gives me great pain to speak in terms +of censure or disapprobation of a man of such transcendent genius and +acquirements, still I am bound to say that, if my suspicions be well +founded, and if all the reports which have reached my ears be true, +I really do not well know what to make of the matter.</p> +<p>‘Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, arrived +this afternoon by the four o’clock stage. His complexion +is a dark purple, and he has a habit of sighing constantly. He +looked extremely well, and appeared in high health and spirits. +Mr. Woodensconce also came down in the same conveyance. The distinguished +gentleman was fast asleep on his arrival, and I am informed by the guard +that he had been so the whole way. He was, no doubt, preparing +for his approaching fatigues; but what gigantic visions must those be +that flit through the brain of such a man when his body is in a state +of torpidity!</p> +<p>‘The influx of visitors increases every moment. I am +told (I know not how truly) that two post-chaises have arrived at the +Original Pig within the last half-hour, and I myself observed a wheelbarrow, +containing three carpet bags and a bundle, entering the yard of the +Pig and Tinder-box no longer ago than five minutes since. The +people are still quietly pursuing their ordinary occupations; but there +is a wildness in their eyes, and an unwonted rigidity in the muscles +of their countenances, which shows to the observant spectator that their +expectations are strained to the very utmost pitch. I fear, unless +some very extraordinary arrivals take place to-night, that consequences +may arise from this popular ferment, which every man of sense and feeling +would deplore.’</p> +<p><i>‘Twenty minutes past six.</i></p> +<p>‘I have just heard that the boy who fell through the pastrycook’s +window last night has died of the fright. He was suddenly called +upon to pay three and sixpence for the damage done, and his constitution, +it seems, was not strong enough to bear up against the shock. +The inquest, it is said, will be held to-morrow.’</p> +<p>‘<i>Three-quarters part seven.</i></p> +<p>‘Professors Muff and Nogo have just driven up to the hotel +door; they at once ordered dinner with great condescension. We +are all very much delighted with the urbanity of their manners, and +the ease with which they adapt themselves to the forms and ceremonies +of ordinary life. Immediately on their arrival they sent for the +head waiter, and privately requested him to purchase a live dog,—as +cheap a one as he could meet with,—and to send him up after dinner, +with a pie-board, a knife and fork, and a clean plate. It is conjectured +that some experiments will be tried upon the dog to-night; if any particulars +should transpire, I will forward them by express.’</p> +<p><i>‘Half-past eight.</i></p> +<p>‘The animal has been procured. He is a pug-dog, of rather +intelligent appearance, in good condition, and with very short legs. +He has been tied to a curtain-peg in a dark room, and is howling dreadfully.’</p> +<p><i>‘Ten minutes to nine.</i></p> +<p>‘The dog has just been rung for. With an instinct which +would appear almost the result of reason, the sagacious animal seized +the waiter by the calf of the leg when he approached to take him, and +made a desperate, though ineffectual resistance. I have not been +able to procure admission to the apartment occupied by the scientific +gentlemen; but, judging from the sounds which reached my ears when I +stood upon the landing-place outside the door, just now, I should be +disposed to say that the dog had retreated growling beneath some article +of furniture, and was keeping the professors at bay. This conjecture +is confirmed by the testimony of the ostler, who, after peeping through +the keyhole, assures me that he distinctly saw Professor Nogo on his +knees, holding forth a small bottle of prussic acid, to which the animal, +who was crouched beneath an arm-chair, obstinately declined to smell. +You cannot imagine the feverish state of irritation we are in, lest +the interests of science should be sacrificed to the prejudices of a +brute creature, who is not endowed with sufficient sense to foresee +the incalculable benefits which the whole human race may derive from +so very slight a concession on his part.’</p> +<p><i>‘Nine o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘The dog’s tail and ears have been sent down-stairs to +be washed; from which circumstance we infer that the animal is no more. +His forelegs have been delivered to the boots to be brushed, which strengthens +the supposition.’</p> +<p><i>‘Half after ten.</i></p> +<p>‘My feelings are so overpowered by what has taken place in +the course of the last hour and a half, that I have scarcely strength +to detail the rapid succession of events which have quite bewildered +all those who are cognizant of their occurrence. It appears that +the pug-dog mentioned in my last was surreptitiously obtained,—stolen, +in fact,—by some person attached to the stable department, from +an unmarried lady resident in this town. Frantic on discovering +the loss of her favourite, the lady rushed distractedly into the street, +calling in the most heart-rending and pathetic manner upon the passengers +to restore her, her Augustus,—for so the deceased was named, in +affectionate remembrance of a former lover of his mistress, to whom +he bore a striking personal resemblance, which renders the circumstances +additionally affecting. I am not yet in a condition to inform +you what circumstance induced the bereaved lady to direct her steps +to the hotel which had witnessed the last struggles of her <i>protégé</i>. +I can only state that she arrived there, at the very instant when his +detached members were passing through the passage on a small tray. +Her shrieks still reverberate in my ears! I grieve to say that +the expressive features of Professor Muff were much scratched and lacerated +by the injured lady; and that Professor Nogo, besides sustaining several +severe bites, has lost some handfuls of hair from the same cause. +It must be some consolation to these gentlemen to know that their ardent +attachment to scientific pursuits has alone occasioned these unpleasant +consequences; for which the sympathy of a grateful country will sufficiently +reward them. The unfortunate lady remains at the Pig and Tinder-box, +and up to this time is reported in a very precarious state.</p> +<p>‘I need scarcely tell you that this unlooked-for catastrophe +has cast a damp and gloom upon us in the midst of our exhilaration; +natural in any case, but greatly enhanced in this, by the amiable qualities +of the deceased animal, who appears to have been much and deservedly +respected by the whole of his acquaintance.’</p> +<p><i>‘Twelve o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘I take the last opportunity before sealing my parcel to inform +you that the boy who fell through the pastrycook’s window is not +dead, as was universally believed, but alive and well. The report +appears to have had its origin in his mysterious disappearance. +He was found half an hour since on the premises of a sweet-stuff maker, +where a raffle had been announced for a second-hand seal-skin cap and +a tambourine; and where—a sufficient number of members not having +been obtained at first—he had patiently waited until the list +was completed. This fortunate discovery has in some degree restored +our gaiety and cheerfulness. It is proposed to get up a subscription +for him without delay.</p> +<p>‘Everybody is nervously anxious to see what to-morrow will +bring forth. If any one should arrive in the course of the night, +I have left strict directions to be called immediately. I should +have sat up, indeed, but the agitating events of this day have been +too much for me.</p> +<p>‘No news yet of either of the Professors Snore, Doze, or Wheezy. +It is very strange!’</p> +<p><i>‘Wednesday afternoon.</i></p> +<p>‘All is now over; and, upon one point at least, I am at length +enabled to set the minds of your readers at rest. The three professors +arrived at ten minutes after two o’clock, and, instead of taking +up their quarters at the Original Pig, as it was universally understood +in the course of yesterday that they would assuredly have done, drove +straight to the Pig and Tinder-box, where they threw off the mask at +once, and openly announced their intention of remaining. Professor +Wheezy may reconcile this very extraordinary conduct with <i>his</i> +notions of fair and equitable dealing, but I would recommend Professor +Wheezy to be cautious how he presumes too far upon his well-earned reputation. +How such a man as Professor Snore, or, which is still more extraordinary, +such an individual as Professor Doze, can quietly allow himself to be +mixed up with such proceedings as these, you will naturally inquire. +Upon this head, rumour is silent; I have my speculations, but forbear +to give utterance to them just now.’</p> +<p><i>‘Four o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘The town is filling fast; eighteenpence has been offered for +a bed and refused. Several gentlemen were under the necessity +last night of sleeping in the brick fields, and on the steps of doors, +for which they were taken before the magistrates in a body this morning, +and committed to prison as vagrants for various terms. One of +these persons I understand to be a highly-respectable tinker, of great +practical skill, who had forwarded a paper to the President of Section +D. Mechanical Science, on the construction of pipkins with copper bottoms +and safety-values, of which report speaks highly. The incarceration +of this gentleman is greatly to be regretted, as his absence will preclude +any discussion on the subject.</p> +<p>‘The bills are being taken down in all directions, and lodgings +are being secured on almost any terms. I have heard of fifteen +shillings a week for two rooms, exclusive of coals and attendance, but +I can scarcely believe it. The excitement is dreadful. I +was informed this morning that the civil authorities, apprehensive of +some outbreak of popular feeling, had commanded a recruiting sergeant +and two corporals to be under arms; and that, with the view of not irritating +the people unnecessarily by their presence, they had been requested +to take up their position before daybreak in a turnpike, distant about +a quarter of a mile from the town. The vigour and promptness of +these measures cannot be too highly extolled.</p> +<p>‘Intelligence has just been brought me, that an elderly female, +in a state of inebriety, has declared in the open street her intention +to “do” for Mr. Slug. Some statistical returns compiled +by that gentleman, relative to the consumption of raw spirituous liquors +in this place, are supposed to be the cause of the wretch’s animosity. +It is added that this declaration was loudly cheered by a crowd of persons +who had assembled on the spot; and that one man had the boldness to +designate Mr. Slug aloud by the opprobrious epithet of “Stick-in-the-mud!” +It is earnestly to be hoped that now, when the moment has arrived for +their interference, the magistrates will not shrink from the exercise +of that power which is vested in them by the constitution of our common +country.’</p> +<p><i>‘Half-past ten.</i></p> +<p>‘The disturbance, I am happy to inform you, has been completely +quelled, and the ringleader taken into custody. She had a pail +of cold water thrown over her, previous to being locked up, and expresses +great contrition and uneasiness. We are all in a fever of anticipation +about to-morrow; but, now that we are within a few hours of the meeting +of the association, and at last enjoy the proud consciousness of having +its illustrious members amongst us, I trust and hope everything may +go off peaceably. I shall send you a full report of to-morrow’s +proceedings by the night coach.’</p> +<p><i>‘Eleven o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘I open my letter to say that nothing whatever has occurred +since I folded it up.’</p> +<p><i>‘Thursday.</i></p> +<p>‘The sun rose this morning at the usual hour. I did not +observe anything particular in the aspect of the glorious planet, except +that he appeared to me (it might have been a delusion of my heightened +fancy) to shine with more than common brilliancy, and to shed a refulgent +lustre upon the town, such as I had never observed before. This +is the more extraordinary, as the sky was perfectly cloudless, and the +atmosphere peculiarly fine. At half-past nine o’clock the +general committee assembled, with the last year’s president in +the chair. The report of the council was read; and one passage, +which stated that the council had corresponded with no less than three +thousand five hundred and seventy-one persons, (all of whom paid their +own postage,) on no fewer than seven thousand two hundred and forty-three +topics, was received with a degree of enthusiasm which no efforts could +suppress. The various committees and sections having been appointed, +and the more formal business transacted, the great proceedings of the +meeting commenced at eleven o’clock precisely. I had the +happiness of occupying a most eligible position at that time, in</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>‘SECTION A.—ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY.<br />GREAT ROOM, PIG +AND TINDER-BOX.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p><i>President—</i>Professor Snore. <i>Vice-Presidents—</i>Professors +Doze and Wheezy.</p> +<p>‘The scene at this moment was particularly striking. +The sun streamed through the windows of the apartments, and tinted the +whole scene with its brilliant rays, bringing out in strong relief the +noble visages of the professors and scientific gentlemen, who, some +with bald heads, some with red heads, some with brown heads, some with +grey heads, some with black heads, some with block heads, presented +a <i>coup d’oeil</i> which no eye-witness will readily forget. +In front of these gentlemen were papers and inkstands; and round the +room, on elevated benches extending as far as the forms could reach, +were assembled a brilliant concourse of those lovely and elegant women +for which Mudfog is justly acknowledged to be without a rival in the +whole world. The contrast between their fair faces and the dark +coats and trousers of the scientific gentlemen I shall never cease to +remember while Memory holds her seat.</p> +<p>‘Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, occasioned +by the falling down of the greater part of the platforms, to subside, +the president called on one of the secretaries to read a communication +entitled, “Some remarks on the industrious fleas, with considerations +on the importance of establishing infant-schools among that numerous +class of society; of directing their industry to useful and practical +ends; and of applying the surplus fruits thereof, towards providing +for them a comfortable and respectable maintenance in their old age.”</p> +<p>‘The author stated, that, having long turned his attention +to the moral and social condition of these interesting animals, he had +been induced to visit an exhibition in Regent-street, London, commonly +known by the designation of “The Industrious Fleas.” +He had there seen many fleas, occupied certainly in various pursuits +and avocations, but occupied, he was bound to add, in a manner which +no man of well-regulated mind could fail to regard with sorrow and regret. +One flea, reduced to the level of a beast of burden, was drawing about +a miniature gig, containing a particularly small effigy of His Grace +the Duke of Wellington; while another was staggering beneath the weight +of a golden model of his great adversary Napoleon Bonaparte. Some, +brought up as mountebanks and ballet-dancers, were performing a figure-dance +(he regretted to observe, that, of the fleas so employed, several were +females); others were in training, in a small card-board box, for pedestrians,—mere +sporting characters—and two were actually engaged in the cold-blooded +and barbarous occupation of duelling; a pursuit from which humanity +recoiled with horror and disgust. He suggested that measures should +be immediately taken to employ the labour of these fleas as part and +parcel of the productive power of the country, which might easily be +done by the establishment among them of infant schools and houses of +industry, in which a system of virtuous education, based upon sound +principles, should be observed, and moral precepts strictly inculcated. +He proposed that every flea who presumed to exhibit, for hire, music, +or dancing, or any species of theatrical entertainment, without a licence, +should be considered a vagabond, and treated accordingly; in which respect +he only placed him upon a level with the rest of mankind. He would +further suggest that their labour should be placed under the control +and regulation of the state, who should set apart from the profits, +a fund for the support of superannuated or disabled fleas, their widows +and orphans. With this view, he proposed that liberal premiums +should be offered for the three best designs for a general almshouse; +from which—as insect architecture was well known to be in a very +advanced and perfect state—we might possibly derive many valuable +hints for the improvement of our metropolitan universities, national +galleries, and other public edifices.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT wished to be informed how the ingenious gentleman +proposed to open a communication with fleas generally, in the first +instance, so that they might be thoroughly imbued with a sense of the +advantages they must necessarily derive from changing their mode of +life, and applying themselves to honest labour. This appeared +to him, the only difficulty.</p> +<p>‘THE AUTHOR submitted that this difficulty was easily overcome, +or rather that there was no difficulty at all in the case. Obviously +the course to be pursued, if Her Majesty’s government could be +prevailed upon to take up the plan, would be, to secure at a remunerative +salary the individual to whom he had alluded as presiding over the exhibition +in Regent-street at the period of his visit. That gentleman would +at once be able to put himself in communication with the mass of the +fleas, and to instruct them in pursuance of some general plan of education, +to be sanctioned by Parliament, until such time as the more intelligent +among them were advanced enough to officiate as teachers to the rest.</p> +<p>‘The President and several members of the section highly complimented +the author of the paper last read, on his most ingenious and important +treatise. It was determined that the subject should be recommended +to the immediate consideration of the council.</p> +<p>‘MR. WIGSBY produced a cauliflower somewhat larger than a chaise-umbrella, +which had been raised by no other artificial means than the simple application +of highly carbonated soda-water as manure. He explained that by +scooping out the head, which would afford a new and delicious species +of nourishment for the poor, a parachute, in principle something similar +to that constructed by M. Garnerin, was at once obtained; the stalk +of course being kept downwards. He added that he was perfectly +willing to make a descent from a height of not less than three miles +and a quarter; and had in fact already proposed the same to the proprietors +of Vauxhall Gardens, who in the handsomest manner at once consented +to his wishes, and appointed an early day next summer for the undertaking; +merely stipulating that the rim of the cauliflower should be previously +broken in three or four places to ensure the safety of the descent.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT congratulated the public on the <i>grand gala</i> +in store for them, and warmly eulogised the proprietors of the establishment +alluded to, for their love of science, and regard for the safety of +human life, both of which did them the highest honour.</p> +<p>‘A Member wished to know how many thousand additional lamps +the royal property would be illuminated with, on the night after the +descent.</p> +<p>‘MR. WIGSBY replied that the point was not yet finally decided; +but he believed it was proposed, over and above the ordinary illuminations, +to exhibit in various devices eight millions and a-half of additional +lamps.</p> +<p>‘The Member expressed himself much gratified with this announcement.</p> +<p>‘MR. BLUNDERUM delighted the section with a most interesting +and valuable paper “on the last moments of the learned pig,” +which produced a very strong impression on the assembly, the account +being compiled from the personal recollections of his favourite attendant. +The account stated in the most emphatic terms that the animal’s +name was not Toby, but Solomon; and distinctly proved that he could +have no near relatives in the profession, as many designing persons +had falsely stated, inasmuch as his father, mother, brothers and sisters, +had all fallen victims to the butcher at different times. An uncle +of his indeed, had with very great labour been traced to a sty in Somers +Town; but as he was in a very infirm state at the time, being afflicted +with measles, and shortly afterwards disappeared, there appeared too +much reason to conjecture that he had been converted into sausages. +The disorder of the learned pig was originally a severe cold, which, +being aggravated by excessive trough indulgence, finally settled upon +the lungs, and terminated in a general decay of the constitution. +A melancholy instance of a presentiment entertained by the animal of +his approaching dissolution, was recorded. After gratifying a +numerous and fashionable company with his performances, in which no +falling off whatever was visible, he fixed his eyes on the biographer, +and, turning to the watch which lay on the floor, and on which he was +accustomed to point out the hour, deliberately passed his snout twice +round the dial. In precisely four-and-twenty hours from that time +he had ceased to exist!</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR WHEEZY inquired whether, previous to his demise, +the animal had expressed, by signs or otherwise, any wishes regarding +the disposal of his little property.</p> +<p>‘MR. BLUNDERUM replied, that, when the biographer took up the +pack of cards at the conclusion of the performance, the animal grunted +several times in a significant manner, and nodding his head as he was +accustomed to do, when gratified. From these gestures it was understood +that he wished the attendant to keep the cards, which he had ever since +done. He had not expressed any wish relative to his watch, which +had accordingly been pawned by the same individual.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any Member of the section +had ever seen or conversed with the pig-faced lady, who was reported +to have worn a black velvet mask, and to have taken her meals from a +golden trough.</p> +<p>‘After some hesitation a Member replied that the pig-faced +lady was his mother-in-law, and that he trusted the President would +not violate the sanctity of private life.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT begged pardon. He had considered the pig-faced +lady a public character. Would the honourable member object to +state, with a view to the advancement of science, whether she was in +any way connected with the learned pig?</p> +<p>‘The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the question +appeared to involve a suspicion that the learned pig might be his half-brother, +he must decline answering it.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>‘SECTION B.—ANATOMY AND MEDICINE.<br />COACH-HOUSE, PIG +AND TINDER-BOX.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p><i>President</i>—Dr. Toorell. <i>Vice-Presidents</i>—Professors +Muff and Nogo.</p> +<p>DR. KUTANKUMAGEN (of Moscow) read to the section a report of a case +which had occurred within his own practice, strikingly illustrative +of the power of medicine, as exemplified in his successful treatment +of a virulent disorder. He had been called in to visit the patient +on the 1st of April, 1837. He was then labouring under symptoms +peculiarly alarming to any medical man. His frame was stout and +muscular, his step firm and elastic, his cheeks plump and red, his voice +loud, his appetite good, his pulse full and round. He was in the +constant habit of eating three meals <i>per</i> <i>diem</i>, and of +drinking at least one bottle of wine, and one glass of spirituous liquors +diluted with water, in the course of the four-and-twenty hours. +He laughed constantly, and in so hearty a manner that it was terrible +to hear him. By dint of powerful medicine, low diet, and bleeding, +the symptoms in the course of three days perceptibly decreased. +A rigid perseverance in the same course of treatment for only one week, +accompanied with small doses of water-gruel, weak broth, and barley-water, +led to their entire disappearance. In the course of a month he +was sufficiently recovered to be carried down-stairs by two nurses, +and to enjoy an airing in a close carriage, supported by soft pillows. +At the present moment he was restored so far as to walk about, with +the slight assistance of a crutch and a boy. It would perhaps +be gratifying to the section to learn that he ate little, drank little, +slept little, and was never heard to laugh by any accident whatever.</p> +<p>‘DR. W. R. FEE, in complimenting the honourable member upon +the triumphant cure he had effected, begged to ask whether the patient +still bled freely?</p> +<p>‘DR. KUTANKUMAGEN replied in the affirmative.</p> +<p>‘DR. W. R. FEE.—And you found that he bled freely during +the whole course of the disorder?</p> +<p>‘DR. KUTANKUMAGEN.—Oh dear, yes; most freely.</p> +<p>‘DR. NEESHAWTS supposed, that if the patient had not submitted +to be bled with great readiness and perseverance, so extraordinary a +cure could never, in fact, have been accomplished. Dr. Kutankumagen +rejoined, certainly not.</p> +<p>‘MR. KNIGHT BELL (M.R.C.S.) exhibited a wax preparation of +the interior of a gentleman who in early life had inadvertently swallowed +a door-key. It was a curious fact that a medical student of dissipated +habits, being present at the <i>post mortem</i> examination, found means +to escape unobserved from the room, with that portion of the coats of +the stomach upon which an exact model of the instrument was distinctly +impressed, with which he hastened to a locksmith of doubtful character, +who made a new key from the pattern so shown to him. With this +key the medical student entered the house of the deceased gentleman, +and committed a burglary to a large amount, for which he was subsequently +tried and executed.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know what became of the original key +after the lapse of years. Mr. Knight Bell replied that the gentleman +was always much accustomed to punch, and it was supposed the acid had +gradually devoured it.</p> +<p>‘DR. NEESHAWTS and several of the members were of opinion that +the key must have lain very cold and heavy upon the gentleman’s +stomach.</p> +<p>‘MR. KNIGHT BELL believed it did at first. It was worthy +of remark, perhaps, that for some years the gentleman was troubled with +a night-mare, under the influence of which he always imagined himself +a wine-cellar door.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR MUFF related a very extraordinary and convincing +proof of the wonderful efficacy of the system of infinitesimal doses, +which the section were doubtless aware was based upon the theory that +the very minutest amount of any given drug, properly dispersed through +the human frame, would be productive of precisely the same result as +a very large dose administered in the usual manner. Thus, the +fortieth part of a grain of calomel was supposed to be equal to a five-grain +calomel pill, and so on in proportion throughout the whole range of +medicine. He had tried the experiment in a curious manner upon +a publican who had been brought into the hospital with a broken head, +and was cured upon the infinitesimal system in the incredibly short +space of three months. This man was a hard drinker. He (Professor +Muff) had dispersed three drops of rum through a bucket of water, and +requested the man to drink the whole. What was the result? +Before he had drunk a quart, he was in a state of beastly intoxication; +and five other men were made dead drunk with the remainder.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether an infinitesimal dose +of soda-water would have recovered them? Professor Muff replied +that the twenty-fifth part of a teaspoonful, properly administered to +each patient, would have sobered him immediately. The President +remarked that this was a most important discovery, and he hoped the +Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen would patronize it immediately.</p> +<p>‘A Member begged to be informed whether it would be possible +to administer—say, the twentieth part of a grain of bread and +cheese to all grown-up paupers, and the fortieth part to children, with +the same satisfying effect as their present allowance.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR MUFF was willing to stake his professional reputation +on the perfect adequacy of such a quantity of food to the support of +human life—in workhouses; the addition of the fifteenth part of +a grain of pudding twice a week would render it a high diet.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR NOGO called the attention of the section to a very +extraordinary case of animal magnetism. A private watchman, being +merely looked at by the operator from the opposite side of a wide street, +was at once observed to be in a very drowsy and languid state. +He was followed to his box, and being once slightly rubbed on the palms +of the hands, fell into a sound sleep, in which he continued without +intermission for ten hours.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>‘SECTION C.—STATISTICS.<br />HAY-LOFT, ORIGINAL PIG.</p> +<p><i>President</i>—Mr. Woodensconce. <i>Vice-Presidents</i>—Mr. +Ledbrain and Mr. Timbered.</p> +<p>‘MR. SLUG stated to the section the result of some calculations +he had made with great difficulty and labour, regarding the state of +infant education among the middle classes of London. He found +that, within a circle of three miles from the Elephant and Castle, the +following were the names and numbers of children’s books principally +in circulation:-</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<pre>‘Jack the Giant-killer 7,943 +Ditto and Bean-stalk 8,621 +Ditto and Eleven Brothers 2,845 +Ditto and Jill 1,998 +Total 21,407</pre> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>‘He found that the proportion of Robinson Crusoes to Philip +Quarlls was as four and a half to one; and that the preponderance of +Valentine and Orsons over Goody Two Shoeses was as three and an eighth +of the former to half a one of the latter; a comparison of Seven Champions +with Simple Simons gave the same result. The ignorance that prevailed, +was lamentable. One child, on being asked whether he would rather +be Saint George of England or a respectable tallow-chandler, instantly +replied, “Taint George of Ingling.” Another, a little +boy of eight years old, was found to be firmly impressed with a belief +in the existence of dragons, and openly stated that it was his intention +when he grew up, to rush forth sword in hand for the deliverance of +captive princesses, and the promiscuous slaughter of giants. Not +one child among the number interrogated had ever heard of Mungo Park,—some +inquiring whether he was at all connected with the black man that swept +the crossing; and others whether he was in any way related to the Regent’s +Park. They had not the slightest conception of the commonest principles +of mathematics, and considered Sindbad the Sailor the most enterprising +voyager that the world had ever produced.</p> +<p>‘A Member strongly deprecating the use of all the other books +mentioned, suggested that Jack and Jill might perhaps be exempted from +the general censure, inasmuch as the hero and heroine, in the very outset +of the tale, were depicted as going <i>up</i> a hill to fetch a pail +of water, which was a laborious and useful occupation,—supposing +the family linen was being washed, for instance.</p> +<p>‘MR. SLUG feared that the moral effect of this passage was +more than counterbalanced by another in a subsequent part of the poem, +in which very gross allusion was made to the mode in which the heroine +was personally chastised by her mother</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>“‘For laughing at Jack’s disaster;”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>besides, the whole work had this one great fault, <i>it was not true.</i></p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT complimented the honourable member on the excellent +distinction he had drawn. Several other Members, too, dwelt upon +the immense and urgent necessity of storing the minds of children with +nothing but facts and figures; which process the President very forcibly +remarked, had made them (the section) the men they were.</p> +<p>‘MR. SLUG then stated some curious calculations respecting +the dogs’-meat barrows of London. He found that the total +number of small carts and barrows engaged in dispensing provision to +the cats and dogs of the metropolis was, one thousand seven hundred +and forty-three. The average number of skewers delivered daily +with the provender, by each dogs’-meat cart or barrow, was thirty-six. +Now, multiplying the number of skewers so delivered by the number of +barrows, a total of sixty-two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight +skewers daily would be obtained. Allowing that, of these sixty-two +thousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers, the odd two thousand +seven hundred and forty-eight were accidentally devoured with the meat, +by the most voracious of the animals supplied, it followed that sixty +thousand skewers per day, or the enormous number of twenty-one millions +nine hundred thousand skewers annually, were wasted in the kennels and +dustholes of London; which, if collected and warehoused, would in ten +years’ time afford a mass of timber more than sufficient for the +construction of a first-rate vessel of war for the use of her Majesty’s +navy, to be called “The Royal Skewer,” and to become under +that name the terror of all the enemies of this island.</p> +<p>‘MR. X. LEDBRAIN read a very ingenious communication, from +which it appeared that the total number of legs belonging to the manufacturing +population of one great town in Yorkshire was, in round numbers, forty +thousand, while the total number of chair and stool legs in their houses +was only thirty thousand, which, upon the very favourable average of +three legs to a seat, yielded only ten thousand seats in all. +From this calculation it would appear,—not taking wooden or cork +legs into the account, but allowing two legs to every person,—that +ten thousand individuals (one-half of the whole population) were either +destitute of any rest for their legs at all, or passed the whole of +their leisure time in sitting upon boxes.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>‘SECTION D.—MECHANICAL SCIENCE.<br />COACH-HOUSE, ORIGINAL +PIG.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p><i>President</i>—Mr. Carter. <i>Vice-Presidents</i>—Mr. +Truck and Mr. Waghorn.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK exhibited an elegant model of a portable +railway, neatly mounted in a green case, for the waistcoat pocket. +By attaching this beautiful instrument to his boots, any Bank or public-office +clerk could transport himself from his place of residence to his place +of business, at the easy rate of sixty-five miles an hour, which, to +gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would be an incalculable advantage.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT was desirous of knowing whether it was necessary +to have a level surface on which the gentleman was to run.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK explained that City gentlemen would run +in trains, being handcuffed together to prevent confusion or unpleasantness. +For instance, trains would start every morning at eight, nine, and ten +o’clock, from Camden Town, Islington, Camberwell, Hackney, and +various other places in which City gentlemen are accustomed to reside. +It would be necessary to have a level, but he had provided for this +difficulty by proposing that the best line that the circumstances would +admit of, should be taken through the sewers which undermine the streets +of the metropolis, and which, well lighted by jets from the gas pipes +which run immediately above them, would form a pleasant and commodious +arcade, especially in winter-time, when the inconvenient custom of carrying +umbrellas, now so general, could be wholly dispensed with. In +reply to another question, Professor Queerspeck stated that no substitute +for the purposes to which these arcades were at present devoted had +yet occurred to him, but that he hoped no fanciful objection on this +head would be allowed to interfere with so great an undertaking.</p> +<p>‘MR. JOBBA produced a forcing-machine on a novel plan, for +bringing joint-stock railway shares prematurely to a premium. +The instrument was in the form of an elegant gilt weather-glass, of +most dazzling appearance, and was worked behind, by strings, after the +manner of a pantomime trick, the strings being always pulled by the +directors of the company to which the machine belonged. The quicksilver +was so ingeniously placed, that when the acting directors held shares +in their pockets, figures denoting very small expenses and very large +returns appeared upon the glass; but the moment the directors parted +with these pieces of paper, the estimate of needful expenditure suddenly +increased itself to an immense extent, while the statements of certain +profits became reduced in the same proportion. Mr. Jobba stated +that the machine had been in constant requisition for some months past, +and he had never once known it to fail.</p> +<p>‘A Member expressed his opinion that it was extremely neat +and pretty. He wished to know whether it was not liable to accidental +derangement? Mr. Jobba said that the whole machine was undoubtedly +liable to be blown up, but that was the only objection to it.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR NOGO arrived from the anatomical section to exhibit +a model of a safety fire-escape, which could be fixed at any time, in +less than half an hour, and by means of which, the youngest or most +infirm persons (successfully resisting the progress of the flames until +it was quite ready) could be preserved if they merely balanced themselves +for a few minutes on the sill of their bedroom window, and got into +the escape without falling into the street. The Professor stated +that the number of boys who had been rescued in the daytime by this +machine from houses which were not on fire, was almost incredible. +Not a conflagration had occurred in the whole of London for many months +past to which the escape had not been carried on the very next day, +and put in action before a concourse of persons.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT inquired whether there was not some difficulty +in ascertaining which was the top of the machine, and which the bottom, +in cases of pressing emergency.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR NOGO explained that of course it could not be expected +to act quite as well when there was a fire, as when there was not a +fire; but in the former case he thought it would be of equal service +whether the top were up or down.’</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>With the last section our correspondent concludes his most able and +faithful Report, which will never cease to reflect credit upon him for +his scientific attainments, and upon us for our enterprising spirit. +It is needless to take a review of the subjects which have been discussed; +of the mode in which they have been examined; of the great truths which +they have elicited. They are now before the world, and we leave +them to read, to consider, and to profit.</p> +<p>The place of meeting for next year has undergone discussion, and +has at length been decided, regard being had to, and evidence being +taken upon, the goodness of its wines, the supply of its markets, the +hospitality of its inhabitants, and the quality of its hotels. +We hope at this next meeting our correspondent may again be present, +and that we may be once more the means of placing his communications +before the world. Until that period we have been prevailed upon +to allow this number of our Miscellany to be retailed to the public, +or wholesaled to the trade, without any advance upon our usual price.</p> +<p>We have only to add, that the committees are now broken up, and that +Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed tranquillity,—that +Professors and Members have had balls, and <i>soirées</i>, and +suppers, and great mutual complimentations, and have at length dispersed +to their several homes,—whither all good wishes and joys attend +them, until next year!</p> +<p>Signed BOZ.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR +THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>In October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of recording, +at an enormous expense, and by dint of exertions unnpralleled in the +history of periodical publication, the proceedings of the Mudfog Association +for the Advancement of Everything, which in that month held its first +great half-yearly meeting, to the wonder and delight of the whole empire. +We announced at the conclusion of that extraordinary and most remarkable +Report, that when the Second Meeting of the Society should take place, +we should be found again at our post, renewing our gigantic and spirited +endeavours, and once more making the world ring with the accuracy, authenticity, +immeasurable superiority, and intense remarkability of our account of +its proceedings. In redemption of this pledge, we caused to be +despatched per steam to Oldcastle (at which place this second meeting +of the Society was held on the 20th instant), the same superhumanly-endowed +gentleman who furnished the former report, and who,—gifted by +nature with transcendent abilities, and furnished by us with a body +of assistants scarcely inferior to himself,—has forwarded a series +of letters, which, for faithfulness of description, power of language, +fervour of thought, happiness of expression, and importance of subject-matter, +have no equal in the epistolary literature of any age or country. +We give this gentleman’s correspondence entire, and in the order +in which it reached our office.</p> +<p><i>‘Saloon of Steamer, Thursday night, half-past eight.</i></p> +<p>‘When I left New Burlington Street this evening in the hackney +cabriolet, number four thousand two hundred and eighty-five, I experienced +sensations as novel as they were oppressive. A sense of the importance +of the task I had undertaken, a consciousness that I was leaving London, +and, stranger still, going somewhere else, a feeling of loneliness and +a sensation of jolting, quite bewildered my thoughts, and for a time +rendered me even insensible to the presence of my carpet-bag and hat-box. +I shall ever feel grateful to the driver of a Blackwall omnibus who, +by thrusting the pole of his vehicle through the small door of the cabriolet, +awakened me from a tumult of imaginings that are wholly indescribable. +But of such materials is our imperfect nature composed!</p> +<p>‘I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, +and shall thus be enabled to give you an account of all that happens +in the order of its occurrence. The chimney is smoking a good +deal, and so are the crew; and the captain, I am informed, is very drunk +in a little house upon deck, something like a black turnpike. +I should infer from all I hear that he has got the steam up.</p> +<p>‘You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made +the discovery that my berth is in the same closet with those engaged +by Professor Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor Grime. Professor +Woodensconce has taken the shelf above me, and Mr. Slug and Professor +Grime the two shelves opposite. Their luggage has already arrived. +On Mr. Slug’s bed is a long tin tube of about three inches in +diameter, carefully closed at both ends. What can this contain? +Some powerful instrument of a new construction, doubtless.’</p> +<p><i>‘Ten minutes past nine.</i></p> +<p>‘Nobody has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh come in my +way except several joints of beef and mutton, from which I conclude +that a good plain dinner has been provided for to-morrow. There +is a singular smell below, which gave me some uneasiness at first; but +as the steward says it is always there, and never goes away, I am quite +comfortable again. I learn from this man that the different sections +will be distributed at the Black Boy and Stomach-ache, and the Boot-jack +and Countenance. If this intelligence be true (and I have no reason +to doubt it), your readers will draw such conclusions as their different +opinions may suggest.</p> +<p>‘I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as the +facts come to my knowledge, in order that my first impressions may lose +nothing of their original vividness. I shall despatch them in +small packets as opportunities arise.’</p> +<p>‘<i>Half past nine.</i></p> +<p>‘Some dark object has just appeared upon the wharf. I +think it is a travelling carriage.’</p> +<p><i>‘A quarter to ten.</i></p> +<p>‘No, it isn’t.’</p> +<p><i>‘Half-past ten.</i></p> +<p>The passengers are pouring in every instant. Four omnibuses +full have just arrived upon the wharf, and all is bustle and activity. +The noise and confusion are very great. Cloths are laid in the +cabins, and the steward is placing blue plates—full of knobs of +cheese at equal distances down the centre of the tables. He drops +a great many knobs; but, being used to it, picks them up again with +great dexterity, and, after wiping them on his sleeve, throws them back +into the plates. He is a young man of exceedingly prepossessing +appearance—either dirty or a mulatto, but I think the former.</p> +<p>‘An interesting old gentleman, who came to the wharf in an +omnibus, has just quarrelled violently with the porters, and is staggering +towards the vessel with a large trunk in his arms. I trust and +hope that he may reach it in safety; but the board he has to cross is +narrow and slippery. Was that a splash? Gracious powers!</p> +<p>‘I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is standing +upon the extreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentleman is nowhere +to be seen. The watchman is not sure whether he went down or not, +but promises to drag for him the first thing to-morrow morning. +May his humane efforts prove successful!</p> +<p>‘Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his nightcap on +under his hat. He has ordered a glass of cold brandy and water, +with a hard biscuit and a basin, and has gone straight to bed. +What can this mean?</p> +<p>‘The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have already +alluded have come on board, and have all tried their beds, with the +exception of Professor Woodensconce, who sleeps in one of the top ones, +and can’t get into it. Mr. Slug, who sleeps in the other +top one, is unable to get out of his, and is to have his supper handed +up by a boy. I have had the honour to introduce myself to these +gentlemen, and we have amicably arranged the order in which we shall +retire to rest; which it is necessary to agree upon, because, although +the cabin is very comfortable, there is not room for more than one gentleman +to be out of bed at a time, and even he must take his boots off in the +passage.</p> +<p>‘As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for the +passengers’ supper, and are now in course of consumption. +Your readers will be surprised to hear that Professor Woodensconce has +abstained from cheese for eight years, although he takes butter in considerable +quantities. Professor Grime having lost several teeth, is unable, +I observe, to eat his crusts without previously soaking them in his +bottled porter. How interesting are these peculiarities!’</p> +<p><i>‘Half-past eleven.</i></p> +<p>‘Professors Woodensconce and Grime, with a degree of good humour +that delights us all, have just arranged to toss for a bottle of mulled +port. There has been some discussion whether the payment should +be decided by the first toss or the best out of three. Eventually +the latter course has been determined on. Deeply do I wish that +both gentlemen could win; but that being impossible, I own that my personal +aspirations (I speak as an individual, and do not compromise either +you or your readers by this expression of feeling) are with Professor +Woodensconce. I have backed that gentleman to the amount of eighteenpence.’</p> +<p><i>‘Twenty minutes to twelve.</i></p> +<p>‘Professor Grime has inadvertently tossed his half-crown out +of one of the cabin-windows, and it has been arranged that the steward +shall toss for him. Bets are offered on any side to any amount, +but there are no takers.</p> +<p>‘Professor Woodensconce has just called “woman;” +but the coin having lodged in a beam, is a long time coming down again. +The interest and suspense of this one moment are beyond anything that +can be imagined.’</p> +<p><i>‘Twelve o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘The mulled port is smoking on the table before me, and Professor +Grime has won. Tossing is a game of chance; but on every ground, +whether of public or private character, intellectual endowments, or +scientific attainments, I cannot help expressing my opinion that Professor +Woodensconce <i>ought</i> to have come off victorious. There is +an exultation about Professor Grime incompatible, I fear, with true +greatness.’</p> +<p><i>‘A quarter past twelve.</i></p> +<p>‘Professor Grime continues to exult, and to boast of his victory +in no very measured terms, observing that he always does win, and that +he knew it would be a “head” beforehand, with many other +remarks of a similar nature. Surely this gentleman is not so lost +to every feeling of decency and propriety as not to feel and know the +superiority of Professor Woodensconce? Is Professor Grime insane? +or does he wish to be reminded in plain language of his true position +in society, and the precise level of his acquirements and abilities? +Professor Grime will do well to look to this.’</p> +<p><i>‘One o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘I am writing in bed. The small cabin is illuminated +by the feeble light of a flickering lamp suspended from the ceiling; +Professor Grime is lying on the opposite shelf on the broad of his back, +with his mouth wide open. The scene is indescribably solemn. +The rippling of the tide, the noise of the sailors’ feet overhead, +the gruff voices on the river, the dogs on the shore, the snoring of +the passengers, and a constant creaking of every plank in the vessel, +are the only sounds that meet the ear. With these exceptions, +all is profound silence.</p> +<p>‘My curiosity has been within the last moment very much excited. +Mr. Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has cautiously withdrawn the +curtains of his berth, and, after looking anxiously out, as if to satisfy +himself that his companions are asleep, has taken up the tin tube of +which I have before spoken, and is regarding it with great interest. +What rare mechanical combination can be contained in that mysterious +case? It is evidently a profound secret to all.’</p> +<p><i>‘A quarter past one.</i></p> +<p>‘The behaviour of Mr. Slug grows more and more mysterious. +He has unscrewed the top of the tube, and now renews his observations +upon his companions, evidently to make sure that he is wholly unobserved. +He is clearly on the eve of some great experiment. Pray heaven +that it be not a dangerous one; but the interests of science must be +promoted, and I am prepared for the worst.’</p> +<p><i>‘Five minutes later.</i></p> +<p>‘He has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll +of some substance, not unlike parchment in appearance, from the tin +case. The experiment is about to begin. I must strain my +eyes to the utmost, in the attempt to follow its minutest operation.’</p> +<p><i>‘Twenty minutes before two.</i></p> +<p>‘I have at length been enabled to ascertain that the tin tube +contains a few yards of some celebrated plaster, recommended—as +I discover on regarding the label attentively through my eye-glass—as +a preservative against sea-sickness. Mr. Slug has cut it up into +small portions, and is now sticking it over himself in every direction.’</p> +<p><i>‘Three o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor, and +the machinery was suddenly put in motion with a noise so appalling, +that Professor Woodensconce (who had ascended to his berth by means +of a platform of carpet-bags arranged by himself on geometrical principals) +darted from his shelf head foremost, and, gaining his feet with all +the rapidity of extreme terror, ran wildly into the ladies’ cabin, +under the impression that we were sinking, and uttering loud cries for +aid. I am assured that the scene which ensued baffles all description. +There were one hundred and forty-seven ladies in their respective berths +at the time.</p> +<p>‘Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the extreme +ingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes of navigation, +that in whatever part of the vessel a passenger’s berth may be +situated, the machinery always appears to be exactly under his pillow. +He intends stating this very beautiful, though simple discovery, to +the association.’</p> +<p><i>‘Half-past ten.</i></p> +<p>‘We are still in smooth water; that is to say, in as smooth +water as a steam-vessel ever can be, for, as Professor Woodensconce +(who has just woke up) learnedly remarks, another great point of ingenuity +about a steamer is, that it always carries a little storm with it. +You can scarcely conceive how exciting the jerking pulsation of the +ship becomes. It is a matter of positive difficulty to get to +sleep.’</p> +<p><i>‘Friday afternoon, six o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘I regret to inform you that Mr. Slug’s plaster has proved +of no avail. He is in great agony, but has applied several large, +additional pieces notwithstanding. How affecting is this extreme +devotion to science and pursuit of knowledge under the most trying circumstances!</p> +<p>‘We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast was +one of the most animated description. Nothing unpleasant occurred +until noon, with the exception of Doctor Foxey’s brown silk umbrella +and white hat becoming entangled in the machinery while he was explaining +to a knot of ladies the construction of the steam-engine. I fear +the gravy soup for lunch was injudicious. We lost a great many +passengers almost immediately afterwards.’</p> +<p><i>‘Half-past six.</i></p> +<p>‘I am again in bed. Anything so heart-rending as Mr. +Slug’s sufferings it has never yet been my lot to witness.’</p> +<p><i>‘Seven o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘A messenger has just come down for a clean pocket-handkerchief +from Professor Woodensconce’s bag, that unfortunate gentleman +being quite unable to leave the deck, and imploring constantly to be +thrown overboard. From this man I understand that Professor Nogo, +though in a state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the hard biscuit +and cold brandy and water, under the impression that they will yet restore +him. Such is the triumph of mind over matter.</p> +<p>‘Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite well; but +he <i>will</i> eat, and it is disagreeable to see him. Has this +gentleman no sympathy with the sufferings of his fellow-creatures? +If he has, on what principle can he call for mutton-chops—and +smile?’</p> +<p><i>‘Black Boy and Stomach-ache, Oldcastle, Saturday noon.</i></p> +<p>‘You will be happy to learn that I have at length arrived here +in safety. The town is excessively crowded, and all the private +lodgings and hotels are filled with <i>savans</i> of both sexes. +The tremendous assemblage of intellect that one encounters in every +street is in the last degree overwhelming.</p> +<p>‘Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been fortunate +enough to meet with very comfortable accommodation on very reasonable +terms, having secured a sofa in the first-floor passage at one guinea +per night, which includes permission to take my meals in the bar, on +condition that I walk about the streets at all other times, to make +room for other gentlemen similarly situated. I have been over +the outhouses intended to be devoted to the reception of the various +sections, both here and at the Boot-jack and Countenance, and am much +delighted with the arrangements. Nothing can exceed the fresh +appearance of the saw-dust with which the floors are sprinkled. +The forms are of unplaned deal, and the general effect, as you can well +imagine, is extremely beautiful.’</p> +<p><i>‘Half-past nine.</i></p> +<p>‘The number and rapidity of the arrivals are quite bewildering. +Within the last ten minutes a stage-coach has driven up to the door, +filled inside and out with distinguished characters, comprising Mr. +Muddlebranes, Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X. Misty, Mr. X. X. Misty, +Mr. Purblind, Professor Rummun, The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long +Eers, Professor John Ketch, Sir William Joltered, Doctor Buffer, Mr. +Smith (of London), Mr. Brown (of Edinburgh), Sir Hookham Snivey, and +Professor Pumpkinskull. The ten last-named gentlemen were wet +through, and looked extremely intelligent.’</p> +<p><i>‘Sunday, two o’clock, p.m.</i></p> +<p>‘The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, accompanied by +Sir William Joltered, walked and drove this morning. They accomplished +the former feat in boots, and the latter in a hired fly. This +has naturally given rise to much discussion.</p> +<p>‘I have just learnt that an interview has taken place at the +Boot-jack and Countenance between Sowster, the active and intelligent +beadle of this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, who, as your readers +are doubtless aware, is an influential member of the council. +I forbear to communicate any of the rumours to which this very extraordinary +proceeding has given rise until I have seen Sowster, and endeavoured +to ascertain the truth from him.’</p> +<p><i>‘Half-past six.</i></p> +<p>‘I engaged a donkey-chaise shortly after writing the above, +and proceeded at a brisk trot in the direction of Sowster’s residence, +passing through a beautiful expanse of country, with red brick buildings +on either side, and stopping in the marketplace to observe the spot +where Mr. Kwakley’s hat was blown off yesterday. It is an +uneven piece of paving, but has certainly no appearance which would +lead one to suppose that any such event had recently occurred there. +From this point I proceeded—passing the gas-works and tallow-melter’s—to +a lane which had been pointed out to me as the beadle’s place +of residence; and before I had driven a dozen yards further, I had the +good fortune to meet Sowster himself advancing towards me.</p> +<p>‘Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development of +that peculiar conformation of countenance which is vulgarly termed a +double chin than I remember to have ever seen before. He has also +a very red nose, which he attributes to a habit of early rising—so +red, indeed, that but for this explanation I should have supposed it +to proceed from occasional inebriety. He informed me that he did +not feel himself at liberty to relate what had passed between himself +and Professor Pumpkinskull, but had no objection to state that it was +connected with a matter of police regulation, and added with peculiar +significance “Never wos sitch times!”</p> +<p>‘You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me considerable +surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that I lost no time in +waiting on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating the object of my visit. +After a few moments’ reflection, the Professor, who, I am bound +to say, behaved with the utmost politeness, openly avowed (I mark the +passage in italics) <i>that he had requested Sowster to attend</i> <i>on +the Monday morning at the Boot-jack and Countenance, to keep off</i> +<i>the boys; and that he had further desired that the under-beadle might</i> +<i>be stationed, with the same object, at the Black Boy and Stomach</i>-<i>ache</i>!</p> +<p>‘Now I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your comments +and the consideration of your readers. I have yet to learn that +a beadle, without the precincts of a church, churchyard, or work-house, +and acting otherwise than under the express orders of churchwardens +and overseers in council assembled, to enforce the law against people +who come upon the parish, and other offenders, has any lawful authority +whatever over the rising youth of this country. I have yet to +learn that a beadle can be called out by any civilian to exercise a +domination and despotism over the boys of Britain. I have yet +to learn that a beadle will be permitted by the commissioners of poor +law regulation to wear out the soles and heels of his boots in illegal +interference with the liberties of people not proved poor or otherwise +criminal. I have yet to learn that a beadle has power to stop +up the Queen’s highway at his will and pleasure, or that the whole +width of the street is not free and open to any man, boy, or woman in +existence, up to the very walls of the houses—ay, be they Black +Boys and Stomach-aches, or Boot-jacks and Countenances, I care not.’</p> +<p><i>‘Nine o’clock.</i></p> +<p>‘I have procured a local artist to make a faithful sketch of +the tyrant Sowster, which, as he has acquired this infamous celebrity, +you will no doubt wish to have engraved for the purpose of presenting +a copy with every copy of your next number. I enclose it.</p> +<p>[Picture which cannot be reproduced]</p> +<p>The under-beadle has consented to write his life, but it is to be +strictly anonymous.</p> +<p>‘The accompanying likeness is of course from the life, and +complete in every respect. Even if I had been totally ignorant +of the man’s real character, and it had been placed before me +without remark, I should have shuddered involuntarily. There is +an intense malignity of expression in the features, and a baleful ferocity +of purpose in the ruffian’s eye, which appals and sickens. +His whole air is rampant with cruelty, nor is the stomach less characteristic +of his demoniac propensities.’</p> +<p><i>‘Monday.</i></p> +<p>‘The great day has at length arrived. I have neither +eyes, nor ears, nor pens, nor ink, nor paper, for anything but the wonderful +proceedings that have astounded my senses. Let me collect my energies +and proceed to the account.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>‘SECTION A.—ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY.<br />FRONT PARLOUR, BLACK +BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p><i>President</i>—Sir William Joltered. <i>Vice-Presidents</i>—Mr. +Muddlebranes and Mr. Drawley.</p> +<p>‘MR. X. X. MISTY communicated some remarks on the disappearance +of dancing-bears from the streets of London, with observations on the +exhibition of monkeys as connected with barrel-organs. The writer +had observed, with feelings of the utmost pain and regret, that some +years ago a sudden and unaccountable change in the public taste took +place with reference to itinerant bears, who, being discountenanced +by the populace, gradually fell off one by one from the streets of the +metropolis, until not one remained to create a taste for natural history +in the breasts of the poor and uninstructed. One bear, indeed,—a +brown and ragged animal,—had lingered about the haunts of his +former triumphs, with a worn and dejected visage and feeble limbs, and +had essayed to wield his quarter-staff for the amusement of the multitude; +but hunger, and an utter want of any due recompense for his abilities, +had at length driven him from the field, and it was only too probable +that he had fallen a sacrifice to the rising taste for grease. +He regretted to add that a similar, and no less lamentable, change had +taken place with reference to monkeys. These delightful animals +had formerly been almost as plentiful as the organs on the tops of which +they were accustomed to sit; the proportion in the year 1829 (it appeared +by the parliamentary return) being as one monkey to three organs. +Owing, however, to an altered taste in musical instruments, and the +substitution, in a great measure, of narrow boxes of music for organs, +which left the monkeys nothing to sit upon, this source of public amusement +was wholly dried up. Considering it a matter of the deepest importance, +in connection with national education, that the people should not lose +such opportunities of making themselves acquainted with the manners +and customs of two most interesting species of animals, the author submitted +that some measures should be immediately taken for the restoration of +these pleasing and truly intellectual amusements.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT inquired by what means the honourable member +proposed to attain this most desirable end?</p> +<p>‘THE AUTHOR submitted that it could be most fully and satisfactorily +accomplished, if Her Majesty’s Government would cause to be brought +over to England, and maintained at the public expense, and for the public +amusement, such a number of bears as would enable every quarter of the +town to be visited—say at least by three bears a week. No +difficulty whatever need be experienced in providing a fitting place +for the reception of these animals, as a commodious bear-garden could +be erected in the immediate neighbourhood of both Houses of Parliament; +obviously the most proper and eligible spot for such an establishment.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR MULL doubted very much whether any correct ideas +of natural history were propagated by the means to which the honourable +member had so ably adverted. On the contrary, he believed that +they had been the means of diffusing very incorrect and imperfect notions +on the subject. He spoke from personal observation and personal +experience, when he said that many children of great abilities had been +induced to believe, from what they had observed in the streets, at and +before the period to which the honourable gentleman had referred, that +all monkeys were born in red coats and spangles, and that their hats +and feathers also came by nature. He wished to know distinctly +whether the honourable gentleman attributed the want of encouragement +the bears had met with to the decline of public taste in that respect, +or to a want of ability on the part of the bears themselves?</p> +<p>‘MR. X. X. MISTY replied, that he could not bring himself to +believe but that there must be a great deal of floating talent among +the bears and monkeys generally; which, in the absence of any proper +encouragement, was dispersed in other directions.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR PUMPKINSKULL wished to take that opportunity of +calling the attention of the section to a most important and serious +point. The author of the treatise just read had alluded to the +prevalent taste for bears’-grease as a means of promoting the +growth of hair, which undoubtedly was diffused to a very great and (as +it appeared to him) very alarming extent. No gentleman attending +that section could fail to be aware of the fact that the youth of the +present age evinced, by their behaviour in the streets, and at all places +of public resort, a considerable lack of that gallantry and gentlemanly +feeling which, in more ignorant times, had been thought becoming. +He wished to know whether it were possible that a constant outward application +of bears’-grease by the young gentlemen about town had imperceptibly +infused into those unhappy persons something of the nature and quality +of the bear. He shuddered as he threw out the remark; but if this +theory, on inquiry, should prove to be well founded, it would at once +explain a great deal of unpleasant eccentricity of behaviour, which, +without some such discovery, was wholly unaccountable.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT highly complimented the learned gentleman on +his most valuable suggestion, which produced the greatest effect upon +the assembly; and remarked that only a week previous he had seen some +young gentlemen at a theatre eyeing a box of ladies with a fierce intensity, +which nothing but the influence of some brutish appetite could possibly +explain. It was dreadful to reflect that our youth were so rapidly +verging into a generation of bears.</p> +<p>‘After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved that +this important question should be immediately submitted to the consideration +of the council.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any gentleman could inform +the section what had become of the dancing-dogs?</p> +<p>‘A MEMBER replied, after some hesitation, that on the day after +three glee-singers had been committed to prison as criminals by a late +most zealous police-magistrate of the metropolis, the dogs had abandoned +their professional duties, and dispersed themselves in different quarters +of the town to gain a livelihood by less dangerous means. He was +given to understand that since that period they had supported themselves +by lying in wait for and robbing blind men’s poodles.</p> +<p>‘MR. FLUMMERY exhibited a twig, claiming to be a veritable +branch of that noble tree known to naturalists as the SHAKSPEARE, which +has taken root in every land and climate, and gathered under the shade +of its broad green boughs the great family of mankind. The learned +gentleman remarked that the twig had been undoubtedly called by other +names in its time; but that it had been pointed out to him by an old +lady in Warwickshire, where the great tree had grown, as a shoot of +the genuine SHAKSPEARE, by which name he begged to introduce it to his +countrymen.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know what botanical definition the +honourable gentleman could afford of the curiosity.</p> +<p>‘MR. FLUMMERY expressed his opinion that it was A DECIDED PLANT.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>‘SECTION B.—DISPLAY OF MODELS AND MECHANICAL SCIENCE.<br />LARGE +ROOM, BOOT-JACK AND COUNTENANCE.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p><i>President</i>—Mr. Mallett. <i>Vice-Presidents</i>—Messrs. +Leaver and Scroo.</p> +<p>‘MR. CRINKLES exhibited a most beautiful and delicate machine, +of little larger size than an ordinary snuff-box, manufactured entirely +by himself, and composed exclusively of steel, by the aid of which more +pockets could be picked in one hour than by the present slow and tedious +process in four-and-twenty. The inventor remarked that it had +been put into active operation in Fleet Street, the Strand, and other +thoroughfares, and had never been once known to fail.</p> +<p>‘After some slight delay, occasioned by the various members +of the section buttoning their pockets,</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT narrowly inspected the invention, and declared +that he had never seen a machine of more beautiful or exquisite construction. +Would the inventor be good enough to inform the section whether he had +taken any and what means for bringing it into general operation?</p> +<p>‘MR. CRINKLES stated that, after encountering some preliminary +difficulties, he had succeeded in putting himself in communication with +Mr. Fogle Hunter, and other gentlemen connected with the swell mob, +who had awarded the invention the very highest and most unqualified +approbation. He regretted to say, however, that these distinguished +practitioners, in common with a gentleman of the name of Gimlet-eyed +Tommy, and other members of a secondary grade of the profession whom +he was understood to represent, entertained an insuperable objection +to its being brought into general use, on the ground that it would have +the inevitable effect of almost entirely superseding manual labour, +and throwing a great number of highly-deserving persons out of employment.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT hoped that no such fanciful objections would +be allowed to stand in the way of such a great public improvement.</p> +<p>‘MR. CRINKLES hoped so too; but he feared that if the gentlemen +of the swell mob persevered in their objection, nothing could be done.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR GRIME suggested, that surely, in that case, Her +Majesty’s Government might be prevailed upon to take it up.</p> +<p>‘MR. CRINKLES said, that if the objection were found to be +insuperable he should apply to Parliament, which he thought could not +fail to recognise the utility of the invention.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT observed that, up to this time Parliament had +certainly got on very well without it; but, as they did their business +on a very large scale, he had no doubt they would gladly adopt the improvement. +His only fear was that the machine might be worn out by constant working.</p> +<p>‘MR. COPPERNOSE called the attention of the section to a proposition +of great magnitude and interest, illustrated by a vast number of models, +and stated with much clearness and perspicuity in a treatise entitled +“Practical Suggestions on the necessity of providing some harmless +and wholesome relaxation for the young noblemen of England.” +His proposition was, that a space of ground of not less than ten miles +in length and four in breadth should be purchased by a new company, +to be incorporated by Act of Parliament, and inclosed by a brick wall +of not less than twelve feet in height. He proposed that it should +be laid out with highway roads, turnpikes, bridges, miniature villages, +and every object that could conduce to the comfort and glory of Four-in-hand +Clubs, so that they might be fairly presumed to require no drive beyond +it. This delightful retreat would be fitted up with most commodious +and extensive stables, for the convenience of such of the nobility and +gentry as had a taste for ostlering, and with houses of entertainment +furnished in the most expensive and handsome style. It would be +further provided with whole streets of door-knockers and bell-handles +of extra size, so constructed that they could be easily wrenched off +at night, and regularly screwed on again, by attendants provided for +the purpose, every day. There would also be gas lamps of real +glass, which could be broken at a comparatively small expense per dozen, +and a broad and handsome foot pavement for gentlemen to drive their +cabriolets upon when they were humorously disposed—for the full +enjoyment of which feat live pedestrians would be procured from the +workhouse at a very small charge per head. The place being inclosed, +and carefully screened from the intrusion of the public, there would +be no objection to gentlemen laying aside any article of their costume +that was considered to interfere with a pleasant frolic, or, indeed, +to their walking about without any costume at all, if they liked that +better. In short, every facility of enjoyment would be afforded +that the most gentlemanly person could possibly desire. But as +even these advantages would be incomplete unless there were some means +provided of enabling the nobility and gentry to display their prowess +when they sallied forth after dinner, and as some inconvenience might +be experienced in the event of their being reduced to the necessity +of pummelling each other, the inventor had turned his attention to the +construction of an entirely new police force, composed exclusively of +automaton figures, which, with the assistance of the ingenious Signor +Gagliardi, of Windmill-street, in the Haymarket, he had succeeded in +making with such nicety, that a policeman, cab-driver, or old woman, +made upon the principle of the models exhibited, would walk about until +knocked down like any real man; nay, more, if set upon and beaten by +six or eight noblemen or gentlemen, after it was down, the figure would +utter divers groans, mingled with entreaties for mercy, thus rendering +the illusion complete, and the enjoyment perfect. But the invention +did not stop even here; for station-houses would be built, containing +good beds for noblemen and gentlemen during the night, and in the morning +they would repair to a commodious police office, where a pantomimic +investigation would take place before the automaton magistrates,—quite +equal to life,—who would fine them in so many counters, with which +they would be previously provided for the purpose. This office +would be furnished with an inclined plane, for the convenience of any +nobleman or gentleman who might wish to bring in his horse as a witness; +and the prisoners would be at perfect liberty, as they were now, to +interrupt the complainants as much as they pleased, and to make any +remarks that they thought proper. The charge for these amusements +would amount to very little more than they already cost, and the inventor +submitted that the public would be much benefited and comforted by the +proposed arrangement.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR NOGO wished to be informed what amount of automaton +police force it was proposed to raise in the first instance.</p> +<p>‘MR. COPPERNOSE replied, that it was proposed to begin with +seven divisions of police of a score each, lettered from A to G inclusive. +It was proposed that not more than half this number should be placed +on active duty, and that the remainder should be kept on shelves in +the police office ready to be called out at a moment’s notice.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT, awarding the utmost merit to the ingenious +gentleman who had originated the idea, doubted whether the automaton +police would quite answer the purpose. He feared that noblemen +and gentlemen would perhaps require the excitement of thrashing living +subjects.</p> +<p>‘MR. COPPERNOSE submitted, that as the usual odds in such cases +were ten noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or cab-driver, it could +make very little difference in point of excitement whether the policeman +or cab-driver were a man or a block. The great advantage would +be, that a policeman’s limbs might be all knocked off, and yet +he would be in a condition to do duty next day. He might even +give his evidence next morning with his head in his hand, and give it +equally well.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR MUFF.—Will you allow me to ask you, sir, of +what materials it is intended that the magistrates’ heads shall +be composed?</p> +<p>‘MR. COPPERNOSE.—The magistrates will have wooden heads +of course, and they will be made of the toughest and thickest materials +that can possibly be obtained.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR MUFF.—I am quite satisfied. This is +a great invention.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR NOGO.—I see but one objection to it. +It appears to me that the magistrates ought to talk.</p> +<p>‘MR. COPPERNOSE no sooner heard this suggestion than he touched +a small spring in each of the two models of magistrates which were placed +upon the table; one of the figures immediately began to exclaim with +great volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen in such a situation, +and the other to express a fear that the policeman was intoxicated.</p> +<p>‘The section, as with one accord, declared with a shout of +applause that the invention was complete; and the President, much excited, +retired with Mr. Coppernose to lay it before the council. On his +return,</p> +<p>‘MR. TICKLE displayed his newly-invented spectacles, which +enabled the wearer to discern, in very bright colours, objects at a +great distance, and rendered him wholly blind to those immediately before +him. It was, he said, a most valuable and useful invention, based +strictly upon the principle of the human eye.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT required some information upon this point. +He had yet to learn that the human eye was remarkable for the peculiarities +of which the honourable gentleman had spoken.</p> +<p>‘MR. TICKLE was rather astonished to hear this, when the President +could not fail to be aware that a large number of most excellent persons +and great statesmen could see, with the naked eye, most marvellous horrors +on West India plantations, while they could discern nothing whatever +in the interior of Manchester cotton mills. He must know, too, +with what quickness of perception most people could discover their neighbour’s +faults, and how very blind they were to their own. If the President +differed from the great majority of men in this respect, his eye was +a defective one, and it was to assist his vision that these glasses +were made.</p> +<p>‘MR. BLANK exhibited a model of a fashionable annual, composed +of copper-plates, gold leaf, and silk boards, and worked entirely by +milk and water.</p> +<p>‘MR. PROSEE, after examining the machine, declared it to be +so ingeniously composed, that he was wholly unable to discover how it +went on at all.</p> +<p>‘MR. BLANK.—Nobody can, and that is the beauty of it.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>‘SECTION C.—ANATOMY AND MEDICINE.<br />BAR ROOM, BLACK +BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p><i>President</i>—Dr. Soemup. <i>Vice-Presidents</i>—Messrs. +Pessell and Mortair.</p> +<p>‘DR. GRUMMIDGE stated to the section a most interesting case +of monomania, and described the course of treatment he had pursued with +perfect success. The patient was a married lady in the middle +rank of life, who, having seen another lady at an evening party in a +full suit of pearls, was suddenly seized with a desire to possess a +similar equipment, although her husband’s finances were by no +means equal to the necessary outlay. Finding her wish ungratified, +she fell sick, and the symptoms soon became so alarming, that he (Dr. +Grummidge) was called in. At this period the prominent tokens +of the disorder were sullenness, a total indisposition to perform domestic +duties, great peevishness, and extreme languor, except when pearls were +mentioned, at which times the pulse quickened, the eyes grew brighter, +the pupils dilated, and the patient, after various incoherent exclamations, +burst into a passion of tears, and exclaimed that nobody cared for her, +and that she wished herself dead. Finding that the patient’s +appetite was affected in the presence of company, he began by ordering +a total abstinence from all stimulants, and forbidding any sustenance +but weak gruel; he then took twenty ounces of blood, applied a blister +under each ear, one upon the chest, and another on the back; having +done which, and administered five grains of calomel, he left the patient +to her repose. The next day she was somewhat low, but decidedly +better, and all appearances of irritation were removed. The next +day she improved still further, and on the next again. On the +fourth there was some appearance of a return of the old symptoms, which +no sooner developed themselves, than he administered another dose of +calomel, and left strict orders that, unless a decidedly favourable +change occurred within two hours, the patient’s head should be +immediately shaved to the very last curl. From that moment she +began to mend, and, in less than four-and-twenty hours was perfectly +restored. She did not now betray the least emotion at the sight +or mention of pearls or any other ornaments. She was cheerful +and good-humoured, and a most beneficial change had been effected in +her whole temperament and condition.</p> +<p>‘MR. PIPKIN (M.R.C.S.) read a short but most interesting communication +in which he sought to prove the complete belief of Sir William Courtenay, +otherwise Thorn, recently shot at Canterbury, in the Homoeopathic system. +The section would bear in mind that one of the Homoeopathic doctrines +was, that infinitesimal doses of any medicine which would occasion the +disease under which the patient laboured, supposing him to be in a healthy +state, would cure it. Now, it was a remarkable circumstance—proved +in the evidence—that the deceased Thorn employed a woman to follow +him about all day with a pail of water, assuring her that one drop (a +purely homoeopathic remedy, the section would observe), placed upon +his tongue, after death, would restore him. What was the obvious +inference? That Thorn, who was marching and countermarching in +osier beds, and other swampy places, was impressed with a presentiment +that he should be drowned; in which case, had his instructions been +complied with, he could not fail to have been brought to life again +instantly by his own prescription. As it was, if this woman, or +any other person, had administered an infinitesimal dose of lead and +gunpowder immediately after he fell, he would have recovered forthwith. +But unhappily the woman concerned did not possess the power of reasoning +by analogy, or carrying out a principle, and thus the unfortunate gentleman +had been sacrificed to the ignorance of the peasantry.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>‘SECTION D.—STATISTICS.<br />OUT-HOUSE, BLACK BOY AND +STOMACH-ACHE.</p> +<p><i>President</i>—Mr. Slug. <i>Vice-Presidents</i>—Messrs. +Noakes and Styles.</p> +<p>‘MR. KWAKLEY stated the result of some most ingenious statistical +inquiries relative to the difference between the value of the qualification +of several members of Parliament as published to the world, and its +real nature and amount. After reminding the section that every +member of Parliament for a town or borough was supposed to possess a +clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per annum, the honourable +gentleman excited great amusement and laughter by stating the exact +amount of freehold property possessed by a column of legislators, in +which he had included himself. It appeared from this table, that +the amount of such income possessed by each was 0 pounds, 0 shillings, +and 0 pence, yielding an average of the same. (Great laughter.) +It was pretty well known that there were accommodating gentlemen in +the habit of furnishing new members with temporary qualifications, to +the ownership of which they swore solemnly—of course as a mere +matter of form. He argued from these <i>data</i> that it was wholly +unnecessary for members of Parliament to possess any property at all, +especially as when they had none the public could get them so much cheaper.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>‘SUPPLEMENTARY SECTION, E.—UMBUGOLOGY AND DITCHWATERISICS.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p><i>President</i>—Mr. Grub. <i>Vice Presidents</i>—Messrs. +Dull and Dummy.</p> +<p>‘A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony +with one eye, which had been seen by the author standing in a butcher’s +cart at the corner of Newgate Market. The communication described +the author of the paper as having, in the prosecution of a mercantile +pursuit, betaken himself one Saturday morning last summer from Somers +Town to Cheapside; in the course of which expedition he had beheld the +extraordinary appearance above described. The pony had one distinct +eye, and it had been pointed out to him by his friend Captain Blunderbore, +of the Horse Marines, who assisted the author in his search, that whenever +he winked this eye he whisked his tail (possibly to drive the flies +off), but that he always winked and whisked at the same time. +The animal was lean, spavined, and tottering; and the author proposed +to constitute it of the family of <i>Fitfordogsmeataurious</i>. +It certainly did occur to him that there was no case on record of a +pony with one clearly-defined and distinct organ of vision, winking +and whisking at the same moment.</p> +<p>‘MR. Q. J. SNUFFLETOFFLE had heard of a pony winking his eye, +and likewise of a pony whisking his tail, but whether they were two +ponies or the same pony he could not undertake positively to say. +At all events, he was acquainted with no authenticated instance of a +simultaneous winking and whisking, and he really could not but doubt +the existence of such a marvellous pony in opposition to all those natural +laws by which ponies were governed. Referring, however, to the +mere question of his one organ of vision, might he suggest the possibility +of this pony having been literally half asleep at the time he was seen, +and having closed only one eye.</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT observed that, whether the pony was half asleep +or fast asleep, there could be no doubt that the association was wide +awake, and therefore that they had better get the business over, and +go to dinner. He had certainly never seen anything analogous to +this pony, but he was not prepared to doubt its existence; for he had +seen many queerer ponies in his time, though he did not pretend to have +seen any more remarkable donkeys than the other gentlemen around him.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR JOHN KETCH was then called upon to exhibit the skull +of the late Mr. Greenacre, which he produced from a blue bag, remarking, +on being invited to make any observations that occurred to him, “that +he’d pound it as that ’ere ’spectable section had +never seed a more gamerer cove nor he vos.”</p> +<p>‘A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic ensued; +and, some difference of opinion arising respecting the real character +of the deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered a lecture upon the cranium +before him, clearly showing that Mr. Greenacre possessed the organ of +destructiveness to a most unusual extent, with a most remarkable development +of the organ of carveativeness. Sir Hookham Snivey was proceeding +to combat this opinion, when Professor Ketch suddenly interrupted the +proceedings by exclaiming, with great excitement of manner, “Walker!”</p> +<p>‘THE PRESIDENT begged to call the learned gentleman to order.</p> +<p>‘PROFESSOR KETCH.—“Order be blowed! you’ve +got the wrong un, I tell you. It ain’t no ’ed at all; +it’s a coker-nut as my brother-in-law has been a-carvin’, +to hornament his new baked tatur-stall wots a-comin’ down ’ere +vile the ’sociation’s in the town. Hand over, vill +you?”</p> +<p>‘With these words, Professor Ketch hastily repossessed himself +of the cocoa-nut, and drew forth the skull, in mistake for which he +had exhibited it. A most interesting conversation ensued; but +as there appeared some doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr. Greenacre’s, +or a hospital patient’s, or a pauper’s, or a man’s, +or a woman’s, or a monkey’s, no particular result was obtained.’</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>‘I cannot,’ says our talented correspondent in conclusion, +‘I cannot close my account of these gigantic researches and sublime +and noble triumphs without repeating a <i>bon mot</i> of Professor Woodensconce’s, +which shows how the greatest minds may occasionally unbend when truth +can be presented to listening ears, clothed in an attractive and playful +form. I was standing by, when, after a week of feasting and feeding, +that learned gentleman, accompanied by the whole body of wonderful men, +entered the hall yesterday, where a sumptuous dinner was prepared; where +the richest wines sparkled on the board, and fat bucks—propitiatory +sacrifices to learning—sent forth their savoury odours. +“Ah!” said Professor Woodensconce, rubbing his hands, “this +is what we meet for; this is what inspires us; this is what keeps us +together, and beckons us onward; this is the <i>spread</i> of science, +and a glorious spread it is.”’</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<p>Before we plunge headlong into this paper, let us at once confess +to a fondness for pantomimes—to a gentle sympathy with clowns +and pantaloons—to an unqualified admiration of harlequins and +columbines—to a chaste delight in every action of their brief +existence, varied and many-coloured as those actions are, and inconsistent +though they occasionally be with those rigid and formal rules of propriety +which regulate the proceedings of meaner and less comprehensive minds. +We revel in pantomimes—not because they dazzle one’s eyes +with tinsel and gold leaf; not because they present to us, once again, +the well-beloved chalked faces, and goggle eyes of our childhood; not +even because, like Christmas-day, and Twelfth-night, and Shrove-Tuesday, +and one’s own birthday, they come to us but once a year;—our +attachment is founded on a graver and a very different reason. +A pantomime is to us, a mirror of life; nay, more, we maintain that +it is so to audiences generally, although they are not aware of it, +and that this very circumstance is the secret cause of their amusement +and delight.</p> +<p>Let us take a slight example. The scene is a street: an elderly +gentleman, with a large face and strongly marked features, appears. +His countenance beams with a sunny smile, and a perpetual dimple is +on his broad, red cheek. He is evidently an opulent elderly gentleman, +comfortable in circumstances, and well-to-do in the world. He +is not unmindful of the adornment of his person, for he is richly, not +to say gaudily, dressed; and that he indulges to a reasonable extent +in the pleasures of the table may be inferred from the joyous and oily +manner in which he rubs his stomach, by way of informing the audience +that he is going home to dinner. In the fulness of his heart, +in the fancied security of wealth, in the possession and enjoyment of +all the good things of life, the elderly gentleman suddenly loses his +footing, and stumbles. How the audience roar! He is set +upon by a noisy and officious crowd, who buffet and cuff him unmercifully. +They scream with delight! Every time the elderly gentleman struggles +to get up, his relentless persecutors knock him down again. The +spectators are convulsed with merriment! And when at last the +elderly gentleman does get up, and staggers away, despoiled of hat, +wig, and clothing, himself battered to pieces, and his watch and money +gone, they are exhausted with laughter, and express their merriment +and admiration in rounds of applause.</p> +<p>Is this like life? Change the scene to any real street;—to +the Stock Exchange, or the City banker’s; the merchant’s +counting-house, or even the tradesman’s shop. See any one +of these men fall,—the more suddenly, and the nearer the zenith +of his pride and riches, the better. What a wild hallo is raised +over his prostrate carcase by the shouting mob; how they whoop and yell +as he lies humbled beneath them! Mark how eagerly they set upon +him when he is down; and how they mock and deride him as he slinks away. +Why, it is the pantomime to the very letter.</p> +<p>Of all the pantomimic <i>dramatis personae</i>, we consider the pantaloon +the most worthless and debauched. Independent of the dislike one +naturally feels at seeing a gentleman of his years engaged in pursuits +highly unbecoming his gravity and time of life, we cannot conceal from +ourselves the fact that he is a treacherous, worldly-minded old villain, +constantly enticing his younger companion, the clown, into acts of fraud +or petty larceny, and generally standing aside to watch the result of +the enterprise. If it be successful, he never forgets to return +for his share of the spoil; but if it turn out a failure, he generally +retires with remarkable caution and expedition, and keeps carefully +aloof until the affair has blown over. His amorous propensities, +too, are eminently disagreeable; and his mode of addressing ladies in +the open street at noon-day is down-right improper, being usually neither +more nor less than a perceptible tickling of the aforesaid ladies in +the waist, after committing which, he starts back, manifestly ashamed +(as well he may be) of his own indecorum and temerity; continuing, nevertheless, +to ogle and beckon to them from a distance in a very unpleasant and +immoral manner.</p> +<p>Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his own social +circle? Is there any man who has not seen them swarming at the +west end of the town on a sunshiny day or a summer’s evening, +going through the last-named pantomimic feats with as much liquorish +energy, and as total an absence of reserve, as if they were on the very +stage itself? We can tell upon our fingers a dozen pantaloons +of our acquaintance at this moment—capital pantaloons, who have +been performing all kinds of strange freaks, to the great amusement +of their friends and acquaintance, for years past; and who to this day +are making such comical and ineffectual attempts to be young and dissolute, +that all beholders are like to die with laughter.</p> +<p>Take that old gentleman who has just emerged from the <i>Café +de</i> <i>l’Europe</i> in the Haymarket, where he has been dining +at the expense of the young man upon town with whom he shakes hands +as they part at the door of the tavern. The affected warmth of +that shake of the hand, the courteous nod, the obvious recollection +of the dinner, the savoury flavour of which still hangs upon his lips, +are all characteristics of his great prototype. He hobbles away +humming an opera tune, and twirling his cane to and fro, with affected +carelessness. Suddenly he stops—’tis at the milliner’s +window. He peeps through one of the large panes of glass; and, +his view of the ladies within being obstructed by the India shawls, +directs his attentions to the young girl with the band-box in her hand, +who is gazing in at the window also. See! he draws beside her. +He coughs; she turns away from him. He draws near her again; she +disregards him. He gleefully chucks her under the chin, and, retreating +a few steps, nods and beckons with fantastic grimaces, while the girl +bestows a contemptuous and supercilious look upon his wrinkled visage. +She turns away with a flounce, and the old gentleman trots after her +with a toothless chuckle. The pantaloon to the life!</p> +<p> But the close resemblance which the clowns of the stage bear +to those of every-day life is perfectly extraordinary. Some people +talk with a sigh of the decline of pantomime, and murmur in low and +dismal tones the name of Grimaldi. We mean no disparagement to +the worthy and excellent old man when we say that this is downright +nonsense. Clowns that beat Grimaldi all to nothing turn up every +day, and nobody patronizes them—more’s the pity!</p> +<p>‘I know who you mean,’ says some dirty-faced patron of +Mr. Osbaldistone’s, laying down the Miscellany when he has got +thus far, and bestowing upon vacancy a most knowing glance; ‘you +mean C. J. Smith as did Guy Fawkes, and George Barnwell at the Garden.’ +The dirty-faced gentleman has hardly uttered the words, when he is interrupted +by a young gentleman in no shirt-collar and a Petersham coat. +‘No, no,’ says the young gentleman; ‘he means Brown, +King, and Gibson, at the ‘Delphi.’ Now, with great +deference both to the first-named gentleman with the dirty face, and +the last-named gentleman in the non-existing shirt-collar, we do <i>not</i> +mean either the performer who so grotesquely burlesqued the Popish conspirator, +or the three unchangeables who have been dancing the same dance under +different imposing titles, and doing the same thing under various high-sounding +names for some five or six years last past. We have no sooner +made this avowal, than the public, who have hitherto been silent witnesses +of the dispute, inquire what on earth it is we <i>do</i> mean; and, +with becoming respect, we proceed to tell them.</p> +<p>It is very well known to all playgoers and pantomime-seers, that +the scenes in which a theatrical clown is at the very height of his +glory are those which are described in the play-bills as ‘Cheesemonger’s +shop and Crockery warehouse,’ or ‘Tailor’s shop, and +Mrs. Queertable’s boarding-house,’ or places bearing some +such title, where the great fun of the thing consists in the hero’s +taking lodgings which he has not the slightest intention of paying for, +or obtaining goods under false pretences, or abstracting the stock-in-trade +of the respectable shopkeeper next door, or robbing warehouse porters +as they pass under his window, or, to shorten the catalogue, in his +swindling everybody he possibly can, it only remaining to be observed +that, the more extensive the swindling is, and the more barefaced the +impudence of the swindler, the greater the rapture and ecstasy of the +audience. Now it is a most remarkable fact that precisely this +sort of thing occurs in real life day after day, and nobody sees the +humour of it. Let us illustrate our position by detailing the +plot of this portion of the pantomime—not of the theatre, but +of life.</p> +<p>The Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, attended by his livery +servant Do’em—a most respectable servant to look at, who +has grown grey in the service of the captain’s family—views, +treats for, and ultimately obtains possession of, the unfurnished house, +such a number, such a street. All the tradesmen in the neighbourhood +are in agonies of competition for the captain’s custom; the captain +is a good-natured, kind-hearted, easy man, and, to avoid being the cause +of disappointment to any, he most handsomely gives orders to all. +Hampers of wine, baskets of provisions, cart-loads of furniture, boxes +of jewellery, supplies of luxuries of the costliest description, flock +to the house of the Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, where they +are received with the utmost readiness by the highly respectable Do’em; +while the captain himself struts and swaggers about with that compound +air of conscious superiority and general blood-thirstiness which a military +captain should always, and does most times, wear, to the admiration +and terror of plebeian men. But the tradesmen’s backs are +no sooner turned, than the captain, with all the eccentricity of a mighty +mind, and assisted by the faithful Do’em, whose devoted fidelity +is not the least touching part of his character, disposes of everything +to great advantage; for, although the articles fetch small sums, still +they are sold considerably above cost price, the cost to the captain +having been nothing at all. After various manoeuvres, the imposture +is discovered, Fitz-Fiercy and Do’em are recognized as confederates, +and the police office to which they are both taken is thronged with +their dupes.</p> +<p>Who can fail to recognize in this, the exact counterpart of the best +portion of a theatrical pantomime—Fitz-Whisker Fiercy by the clown; +Do’em by the pantaloon; and supernumeraries by the tradesmen? +The best of the joke, too, is, that the very coal-merchant who is loudest +in his complaints against the person who defrauded him, is the identical +man who sat in the centre of the very front row of the pit last night +and laughed the most boisterously at this very same thing,—and +not so well done either. Talk of Grimaldi, we say again! +Did Grimaldi, in his best days, ever do anything in this way equal to +Da Costa?</p> +<p>The mention of this latter justly celebrated clown reminds us of +his last piece of humour, the fraudulently obtaining certain stamped +acceptances from a young gentleman in the army. We had scarcely +laid down our pen to contemplate for a few moments this admirable actor’s +performance of that exquisite practical joke, than a new branch of our +subject flashed suddenly upon us. So we take it up again at once.</p> +<p>All people who have been behind the scenes, and most people who have +been before them, know, that in the representation of a pantomime, a +good many men are sent upon the stage for the express purpose of being +cheated, or knocked down, or both. Now, down to a moment ago, +we had never been able to understand for what possible purpose a great +number of odd, lazy, large-headed men, whom one is in the habit of meeting +here, and there, and everywhere, could ever have been created. +We see it all, now. They are the supernumeraries in the pantomime +of life; the men who have been thrust into it, with no other view than +to be constantly tumbling over each other, and running their heads against +all sorts of strange things. We sat opposite to one of these men +at a supper-table, only last week. Now we think of it, he was +exactly like the gentlemen with the pasteboard heads and faces, who +do the corresponding business in the theatrical pantomimes; there was +the same broad stolid simper—the same dull leaden eye—the +same unmeaning, vacant stare; and whatever was said, or whatever was +done, he always came in at precisely the wrong place, or jostled against +something that he had not the slightest business with. We looked +at the man across the table again and again; and could not satisfy ourselves +what race of beings to class him with. How very odd that this +never occurred to us before!</p> +<p>We will frankly own that we have been much troubled with the harlequin. +We see harlequins of so many kinds in the real living pantomime, that +we hardly know which to select as the proper fellow of him of the theatres. +At one time we were disposed to think that the harlequin was neither +more nor less than a young man of family and independent property, who +had run away with an opera-dancer, and was fooling his life and his +means away in light and trivial amusements. On reflection, however, +we remembered that harlequins are occasionally guilty of witty, and +even clever acts, and we are rather disposed to acquit our young men +of family and independent property, generally speaking, of any such +misdemeanours. On a more mature consideration of the subject, +we have arrived at the conclusion that the harlequins of life are just +ordinary men, to be found in no particular walk or degree, on whom a +certain station, or particular conjunction of circumstances, confers +the magic wand. And this brings us to a few words on the pantomime +of public and political life, which we shall say at once, and then conclude—merely +premising in this place that we decline any reference whatever to the +columbine, being in no wise satisfied of the nature of her connection +with her parti-coloured lover, and not feeling by any means clear that +we should be justified in introducing her to the virtuous and respectable +ladies who peruse our lucubrations.</p> +<p>We take it that the commencement of a Session of Parliament is neither +more nor less than the drawing up of the curtain for a grand comic pantomime, +and that his Majesty’s most gracious speech on the opening thereof +may be not inaptly compared to the clown’s opening speech of ‘Here +we are!’ ‘My lords and gentlemen, here we are!’ +appears, to our mind at least, to be a very good abstract of the point +and meaning of the propitiatory address of the ministry. When +we remember how frequently this speech is made, immediately after <i>the +change</i> too, the parallel is quite perfect, and still more singular.</p> +<p>Perhaps the cast of our political pantomime never was richer than +at this day. We are particularly strong in clowns. At no +former time, we should say, have we had such astonishing tumblers, or +performers so ready to go through the whole of their feats for the amusement +of an admiring throng. Their extreme readiness to exhibit, indeed, +has given rise to some ill-natured reflections; it having been objected +that by exhibiting gratuitously through the country when the theatre +is closed, they reduce themselves to the level of mountebanks, and thereby +tend to degrade the respectability of the profession. Certainly +Grimaldi never did this sort of thing; and though Brown, King, and Gibson +have gone to the Surrey in vacation time, and Mr. C. J. Smith has ruralised +at Sadler’s Wells, we find no theatrical precedent for a general +tumbling through the country, except in the gentleman, name unknown, +who threw summersets on behalf of the late Mr. Richardson, and who is +no authority either, because he had never been on the regular boards.</p> +<p>But, laying aside this question, which after all is a mere matter +of taste, we may reflect with pride and gratification of heart on the +proficiency of our clowns as exhibited in the season. Night after +night will they twist and tumble about, till two, three, and four o’clock +in the morning; playing the strangest antics, and giving each other +the funniest slaps on the face that can possibly be imagined, without +evincing the smallest tokens of fatigue. The strange noises, the +confusion, the shouting and roaring, amid which all this is done, too, +would put to shame the most turbulent sixpenny gallery that ever yelled +through a boxing-night.</p> +<p>It is especially curious to behold one of these clowns compelled +to go through the most surprising contortions by the irresistible influence +of the wand of office, which his leader or harlequin holds above his +head. Acted upon by this wonderful charm he will become perfectly +motionless, moving neither hand, foot, nor finger, and will even lose +the faculty of speech at an instant’s notice; or on the other +hand, he will become all life and animation if required, pouring forth +a torrent of words without sense or meaning, throwing himself into the +wildest and most fantastic contortions, and even grovelling on the earth +and licking up the dust. These exhibitions are more curious than +pleasing; indeed, they are rather disgusting than otherwise, except +to the admirers of such things, with whom we confess we have no fellow-feeling.</p> +<p>Strange tricks—very strange tricks—are also performed +by the harlequin who holds for the time being the magic wand which we +have just mentioned. The mere waving it before a man’s eyes +will dispossess his brains of all the notions previously stored there, +and fill it with an entirely new set of ideas; one gentle tap on the +back will alter the colour of a man’s coat completely; and there +are some expert performers, who, having this wand held first on one +side and then on the other, will change from side to side, turning their +coats at every evolution, with so much rapidity and dexterity, that +the quickest eye can scarcely detect their motions. Occasionally, +the genius who confers the wand, wrests it from the hand of the temporary +possessor, and consigns it to some new performer; on which occasions +all the characters change sides, and then the race and the hard knocks +begin anew.</p> +<p>We might have extended this chapter to a much greater length—we +might have carried the comparison into the liberal professions—we +might have shown, as was in fact our original purpose, that each is +in itself a little pantomime with scenes and characters of its own, +complete; but, as we fear we have been quite lengthy enough already, +we shall leave this chapter just where it is. A gentleman, not +altogether unknown as a dramatic poet, wrote thus a year or two ago +-</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>‘All the world’s a stage,<br />And all the men and women +merely players:’</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>and we, tracking out his footsteps at the scarcely-worth-mentioning +little distance of a few millions of leagues behind, venture to add, +by way of new reading, that he meant a Pantomime, and that we are all +actors in The Pantomime of Life.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>We have a great respect for lions in the abstract. In common +with most other people, we have heard and read of many instances of +their bravery and generosity. We have duly admired that heroic +self-denial and charming philanthropy which prompts them never to eat +people except when they are hungry, and we have been deeply impressed +with a becoming sense of the politeness they are said to display towards +unmarried ladies of a certain state. All natural histories teem +with anecdotes illustrative of their excellent qualities; and one old +spelling-book in particular recounts a touching instance of an old lion, +of high moral dignity and stern principle, who felt it his imperative +duty to devour a young man who had contracted a habit of swearing, as +a striking example to the rising generation.</p> +<p>All this is extremely pleasant to reflect upon, and, indeed, says +a very great deal in favour of lions as a mass. We are bound to +state, however, that such individual lions as we have happened to fall +in with have not put forth any very striking characteristics, and have +not acted up to the chivalrous character assigned them by their chroniclers. +We never saw a lion in what is called his natural state, certainly; +that is to say, we have never met a lion out walking in a forest, or +crouching in his lair under a tropical sun, waiting till his dinner +should happen to come by, hot from the baker’s. But we have +seen some under the influence of captivity, and the pressure of misfortune; +and we must say that they appeared to us very apathetic, heavy-headed +fellows.</p> +<p>The lion at the Zoological Gardens, for instance. He is all +very well; he has an undeniable mane, and looks very fierce; but, Lord +bless us! what of that? The lions of the fashionable world look +just as ferocious, and are the most harmless creatures breathing. +A box-lobby lion or a Regent-street animal will put on a most terrible +aspect, and roar, fearfully, if you affront him; but he will never bite, +and, if you offer to attack him manfully, will fairly turn tail and +sneak off. Doubtless these creatures roam about sometimes in herds, +and, if they meet any especially meek-looking and peaceably-disposed +fellow, will endeavour to frighten him; but the faintest show of a vigorous +resistance is sufficient to scare them even then. These are pleasant +characteristics, whereas we make it matter of distinct charge against +the Zoological lion and his brethren at the fairs, that they are sleepy, +dreamy, sluggish quadrupeds.</p> +<p>We do not remember to have ever seen one of them perfectly awake, +except at feeding-time. In every respect we uphold the biped lions +against their four-footed namesakes, and we boldly challenge controversy +upon the subject.</p> +<p>With these opinions it may be easily imagined that our curiosity +and interest were very much excited the other day, when a lady of our +acquaintance called on us and resolutely declined to accept our refusal +of her invitation to an evening party; ‘for,’ said she, +‘I have got a lion coming.’ We at once retracted our +plea of a prior engagement, and became as anxious to go, as we had previously +been to stay away.</p> +<p>We went early, and posted ourselves in an eligible part of the drawing-room, +from whence we could hope to obtain a full view of the interesting animal. +Two or three hours passed, the quadrilles began, the room filled; but +no lion appeared. The lady of the house became inconsolable,—for +it is one of the peculiar privileges of these lions to make solemn appointments +and never keep them,—when all of a sudden there came a tremendous +double rap at the street-door, and the master of the house, after gliding +out (unobserved as he flattered himself) to peep over the banisters, +came into the room, rubbing his hands together with great glee, and +cried out in a very important voice, ‘My dear, Mr.—(naming +the lion) has this moment arrived.’</p> +<p>Upon this, all eyes were turned towards the door, and we observed +several young ladies, who had been laughing and conversing previously +with great gaiety and good humour, grow extremely quiet and sentimental; +while some young gentlemen, who had been cutting great figures in the +facetious and small-talk way, suddenly sank very obviously in the estimation +of the company, and were looked upon with great coldness and indifference. +Even the young man who had been ordered from the music shop to play +the pianoforte was visibly affected, and struck several false notes +in the excess of his excitement.</p> +<p>All this time there was a great talking outside, more than once accompanied +by a loud laugh, and a cry of ‘Oh! capital! excellent!’ +from which we inferred that the lion was jocose, and that these exclamations +were occasioned by the transports of his keeper and our host. +Nor were we deceived; for when the lion at last appeared, we overheard +his keeper, who was a little prim man, whisper to several gentlemen +of his acquaintance, with uplifted hands, and every expression of half-suppressed +admiration, that—(naming the lion again) was in <i>such</i> cue +to-night!</p> +<p>The lion was a literary one. Of course, there were a vast number +of people present who had admired his roarings, and were anxious to +be introduced to him; and very pleasant it was to see them brought up +for the purpose, and to observe the patient dignity with which he received +all their patting and caressing. This brought forcibly to our +mind what we had so often witnessed at country fairs, where the other +lions are compelled to go through as many forms of courtesy as they +chance to be acquainted with, just as often as admiring parties happen +to drop in upon them.</p> +<p>While the lion was exhibiting in this way, his keeper was not idle, +for he mingled among the crowd, and spread his praises most industriously. +To one gentleman he whispered some very choice thing that the noble +animal had said in the very act of coming up-stairs, which, of course, +rendered the mental effort still more astonishing; to another he murmured +a hasty account of a grand dinner that had taken place the day before, +where twenty-seven gentlemen had got up all at once to demand an extra +cheer for the lion; and to the ladies he made sundry promises of interceding +to procure the majestic brute’s sign-manual for their albums. +Then, there were little private consultations in different corners, +relative to the personal appearance and stature of the lion; whether +he was shorter than they had expected to see him, or taller, or thinner, +or fatter, or younger, or older; whether he was like his portrait, or +unlike it; and whether the particular shade of his eyes was black, or +blue, or hazel, or green, or yellow, or mixture. At all these +consultations the keeper assisted; and, in short, the lion was the sole +and single subject of discussion till they sat him down to whist, and +then the people relapsed into their old topics of conversation—themselves +and each other.</p> +<p>We must confess that we looked forward with no slight impatience +to the announcement of supper; for if you wish to see a tame lion under +particularly favourable circumstances, feeding-time is the period of +all others to pitch upon. We were therefore very much delighted +to observe a sensation among the guests, which we well knew how to interpret, +and immediately afterwards to behold the lion escorting the lady of +the house down-stairs. We offered our arm to an elderly female +of our acquaintance, who—dear old soul!—is the very best +person that ever lived, to lead down to any meal; for, be the room ever +so small, or the party ever so large, she is sure, by some intuitive +perception of the eligible, to push and pull herself and conductor close +to the best dishes on the table;—we say we offered our arm to +this elderly female, and, descending the stairs shortly after the lion, +were fortunate enough to obtain a seat nearly opposite him.</p> +<p>Of course the keeper was there already. He had planted himself +at precisely that distance from his charge which afforded him a decent +pretext for raising his voice, when he addressed him, to so loud a key, +as could not fail to attract the attention of the whole company, and +immediately began to apply himself seriously to the task of bringing +the lion out, and putting him through the whole of his manoeuvres. +Such flashes of wit as he elicited from the lion! First of all, +they began to make puns upon a salt-cellar, and then upon the breast +of a fowl, and then upon the trifle; but the best jokes of all were +decidedly on the lobster salad, upon which latter subject the lion came +out most vigorously, and, in the opinion of the most competent authorities, +quite outshone himself. This is a very excellent mode of shining +in society, and is founded, we humbly conceive, upon the classic model +of the dialogues between Mr. Punch and his friend the proprietor, wherein +the latter takes all the up-hill work, and is content to pioneer to +the jokes and repartees of Mr. P. himself, who never fails to gain great +credit and excite much laughter thereby. Whatever it be founded +on, however, we recommend it to all lions, present and to come; for +in this instance it succeeded to admiration, and perfectly dazzled the +whole body of hearers.</p> +<p>When the salt-cellar, and the fowl’s breast, and the trifle, +and the lobster salad were all exhausted, and could not afford standing-room +for another solitary witticism, the keeper performed that very dangerous +feat which is still done with some of the caravan lions, although in +one instance it terminated fatally, of putting his head in the animal’s +mouth, and placing himself entirely at its mercy. Boswell frequently +presents a melancholy instance of the lamentable results of this achievement, +and other keepers and jackals have been terribly lacerated for their +daring. It is due to our lion to state, that he condescended to +be trifled with, in the most gentle manner, and finally went home with +the showman in a hack cab: perfectly peaceable, but slightly fuddled.</p> +<p>Being in a contemplative mood, we were led to make some reflections +upon the character and conduct of this genus of lions as we walked homewards, +and we were not long in arriving at the conclusion that our former impression +in their favour was very much strengthened and confirmed by what we +had recently seen. While the other lions receive company and compliments +in a sullen, moody, not to say snarling manner, these appear flattered +by the attentions that are paid them; while those conceal themselves +to the utmost of their power from the vulgar gaze, these court the popular +eye, and, unlike their brethren, whom nothing short of compulsion will +move to exertion, are ever ready to display their acquirements to the +wondering throng. We have known bears of undoubted ability who, +when the expectations of a large audience have been wound up to the +utmost pitch, have peremptorily refused to dance; well-taught monkeys, +who have unaccountably objected to exhibit on the slack wire; and elephants +of unquestioned genius, who have suddenly declined to turn the barrel-organ; +but we never once knew or heard of a biped lion, literary or otherwise,—and +we state it as a fact which is highly creditable to the whole species,—who, +occasion offering, did not seize with avidity on any opportunity which +was afforded him, of performing to his heart’s content on the +first violin.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>MR. ROBERT BOLTON: THE ‘GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS’</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>In the parlour of the Green Dragon, a public-house in the immediate +neighbourhood of Westminster Bridge, everybody talks politics, every +evening, the great political authority being Mr. Robert Bolton, an individual +who defines himself as ‘a gentleman connected with the press,’ +which is a definition of peculiar indefiniteness. Mr. Robert Bolton’s +regular circle of admirers and listeners are an undertaker, a greengrocer, +a hairdresser, a baker, a large stomach surmounted by a man’s +head, and placed on the top of two particularly short legs, and a thin +man in black, name, profession, and pursuit unknown, who always sits +in the same position, always displays the same long, vacant face, and +never opens his lips, surrounded as he is by most enthusiastic conversation, +except to puff forth a volume of tobacco smoke, or give vent to a very +snappy, loud, and shrill <i>hem</i>! The conversation sometimes +turns upon literature, Mr. Bolton being a literary character, and always +upon such news of the day as is exclusively possessed by that talented +individual. I found myself (of course, accidentally) in the Green +Dragon the other evening, and, being somewhat amused by the following +conversation, preserved it.</p> +<p>‘Can you lend me a ten-pound note till Christmas?’ inquired +the hairdresser of the stomach.</p> +<p>‘Where’s your security, Mr. Clip?’</p> +<p>‘My stock in trade,—there’s enough of it, I’m +thinking, Mr. Thicknesse. Some fifty wigs, two poles, half-a-dozen +head blocks, and a dead Bruin.’</p> +<p>‘No, I won’t, then,’ growled out Thicknesse. +‘I lends nothing on the security of the whigs or the Poles either. +As for whigs, they’re cheats; as for the Poles, they’ve +got no cash. I never have nothing to do with blockheads, unless +I can’t awoid it (ironically), and a dead bear’s about as +much use to me as I could be to a dead bear.’</p> +<p>‘Well, then,’ urged the other, ‘there’s a +book as belonged to Pope, Byron’s Poems, valued at forty pounds, +because it’s got Pope’s identical scratch on the back; what +do you think of that for security?’</p> +<p>‘Well, to be sure!’ cried the baker. ‘But +how d’ye mean, Mr. Clip?’</p> +<p>‘Mean! why, that it’s got the <i>hottergruff</i> of Pope.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>“Steal not this book, for fear of hangman’s rope;<br />For +it belongs to Alexander Pope.”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>All that’s written on the inside of the binding of the book; +so, as my son says, we’re <i>bound</i> to believe it.’</p> +<p>‘Well, sir,’ observed the undertaker, deferentially, +and in a half-whisper, leaning over the table, and knocking over the +hairdresser’s grog as he spoke, ‘that argument’s very +easy upset.’</p> +<p>‘Perhaps, sir,’ said Clip, a little flurried, ‘you’ll +pay for the first upset afore you thinks of another.’</p> +<p>‘Now,’ said the undertaker, bowing amicably to the hairdresser, +‘I <i>think</i>, I says I <i>think—</i>you’ll excuse +me, Mr. Clip, I <i>think</i>, you see, that won’t go down with +the present company—unfortunately, my master had the honour of +making the coffin of that ere Lord’s housemaid, not no more nor +twenty year ago. Don’t think I’m proud on it, gentlemen; +others might be; but I hate rank of any sort. I’ve no more +respect for a Lord’s footman than I have for any respectable tradesman +in this room. I may say no more nor I have for Mr. Clip! (bowing). +Therefore, that ere Lord must have been born long after Pope died. +And it’s a logical interference to defer, that they neither of +them lived at the same time. So what I mean is this here, that +Pope never had no book, never seed, felt, never smelt no book (triumphantly) +as belonged to that ere Lord. And, gentlemen, when I consider +how patiently you have ’eared the ideas what I have expressed, +I feel bound, as the best way to reward you for the kindness you have +exhibited, to sit down without saying anything more—partickler +as I perceive a worthier visitor nor myself is just entered. I +am not in the habit of paying compliments, gentlemen; when I do, therefore, +I hope I strikes with double force.’</p> +<p>‘Ah, Mr. Murgatroyd! what’s all this about striking with +double force?’ said the object of the above remark, as he entered. +‘I never excuse a man’s getting into a rage during winter, +even when he’s seated so close to the fire as you are. It +is very injudicious to put yourself into such a perspiration. +What is the cause of this extreme physical and mental excitement, sir?’</p> +<p>Such was the very philosophical address of Mr. Robert Bolton, a shorthand-writer, +as he termed himself—a bit of equivoque passing current among +his fraternity, which must give the uninitiated a vast idea of the establishment +of the ministerial organ, while to the initiated it signifies that no +one paper can lay claim to the enjoyment of their services. Mr. +Bolton was a young man, with a somewhat sickly and very dissipated expression +of countenance. His habiliments were composed of an exquisite +union of gentility, slovenliness, assumption, simplicity, <i>newness</i>, +and old age. Half of him was dressed for the winter, the other +half for the summer. His hat was of the newest cut, the D’Orsay; +his trousers had been white, but the inroads of mud and ink, etc., had +given them a pie-bald appearance; round his throat he wore a very high +black cravat, of the most tyrannical stiffness; while his <i>tout ensemble</i> +was hidden beneath the enormous folds of an old brown poodle-collared +great-coat, which was closely buttoned up to the aforesaid cravat. +His fingers peeped through the ends of his black kid gloves, and two +of the toes of each foot took a similar view of society through the +extremities of his high-lows. Sacred to the bare walls of his +garret be the mysteries of his interior dress! He was a short, +spare man, of a somewhat inferior deportment. Everybody seemed +influenced by his entry into the room, and his salutation of each member +partook of the patronizing. The hairdresser made way for him between +himself and the stomach. A minute afterwards he had taken possession +of his pint and pipe. A pause in the conversation took place. +Everybody was waiting, anxious for his first observation.</p> +<p>‘Horrid murder in Westminster this morning,’ observed +Mr. Bolton.</p> +<p>Everybody changed their positions. All eyes were fixed upon +the man of paragraphs.</p> +<p>‘A baker murdered his son by boiling him in a copper,’ +said Mr. Bolton.</p> +<p>‘Good heavens!’ exclaimed everybody, in simultaneous +horror.</p> +<p>‘Boiled him, gentlemen!’ added Mr. Bolton, with the most +effective emphasis; ‘<i>boiled</i> him!’</p> +<p>‘And the particulars, Mr. B.,’ inquired the hairdresser, +‘the particulars?’</p> +<p>Mr. Bolton took a very long draught of porter, and some two or three +dozen whiffs of tobacco, doubtless to instil into the commercial capacities +of the company the superiority of a gentlemen connected with the press, +and then said -</p> +<p>‘The man was a baker, gentlemen.’ (Every one looked +at the baker present, who stared at Bolton.) ‘His victim, +being his son, also was necessarily the son of a baker. The wretched +murderer had a wife, whom he was frequently in the habit, while in an +intoxicated state, of kicking, pummelling, flinging mugs at, knocking +down, and half-killing while in bed, by inserting in her mouth a considerable +portion of a sheet or blanket.’</p> +<p>The speaker took another draught, everybody looked at everybody else, +and exclaimed, ‘Horrid!’</p> +<p>‘It appears in evidence, gentlemen,’ continued Mr. Bolton, +‘that, on the evening of yesterday, Sawyer the baker came home +in a reprehensible state of beer. Mrs. S., connubially considerate, +carried him in that condition up-stairs into his chamber, and consigned +him to their mutual couch. In a minute or two she lay sleeping +beside the man whom the morrow’s dawn beheld a murderer!’ +(Entire silence informed the reporter that his picture had attained +the awful effect he desired.) ‘The son came home about an +hour afterwards, opened the door, and went up to bed. Scarcely +(gentlemen, conceive his feelings of alarm), scarcely had he taken off +his indescribables, when shrieks (to his experienced ear <i>maternal</i> +shrieks) scared the silence of surrounding night. He put his indescribables +on again, and ran down-stairs. He opened the door of the parental +bed-chamber. His father was dancing upon his mother. What +must have been his feelings! In the agony of the minute he rushed +at his male parent as he was about to plunge a knife into the side of +his female. The mother shrieked. The father caught the son +(who had wrested the knife from the paternal grasp) up in his arms, +carried him down-stairs, shoved him into a copper of boiling water among +some linen, closed the lid, and jumped upon the top of it, in which +position he was found with a ferocious countenance by the mother, who +arrived in the melancholy wash-house just as he had so settled himself.</p> +<p>‘“Where’s my boy?” shrieked the mother.</p> +<p>‘“In that copper, boiling,” coolly replied the +benign father.</p> +<p>‘Struck by the awful intelligence, the mother rushed from the +house, and alarmed the neighbourhood. The police entered a minute +afterwards. The father, having bolted the wash-house door, had +bolted himself. They dragged the lifeless body of the boiled baker +from the cauldron, and, with a promptitude commendable in men of their +station, they immediately carried it to the station-house. Subsequently, +the baker was apprehended while seated on the top of a lamp-post in +Parliament Street, lighting his pipe.’</p> +<p>The whole horrible ideality of the Mysteries of Udolpho, condensed +into the pithy effect of a ten-line paragraph, could not possibly have +so affected the narrator’s auditory. Silence, the purest +and most noble of all kinds of applause, bore ample testimony to the +barbarity of the baker, as well as to Bolton’s knack of narration; +and it was only broken after some minutes had elapsed by interjectional +expressions of the intense indignation of every man present. The +baker wondered how a British baker could so disgrace himself and the +highly honourable calling to which he belonged; and the others indulged +in a variety of wonderments connected with the subject; among which +not the least wonderment was that which was awakened by the genius and +information of Mr. Robert Bolton, who, after a glowing eulogium on himself, +and his unspeakable influence with the daily press, was proceeding, +with a most solemn countenance, to hear the pros and cons of the Pope +autograph question, when I took up my hat, and left.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD AGED TWO YEARS AND TWO +MONTHS</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>MY CHILD,</p> +<p>To recount with what trouble I have brought you up—with what +an anxious eye I have regarded your progress,—how late and how +often I have sat up at night working for you,—and how many thousand +letters I have received from, and written to your various relations +and friends, many of whom have been of a querulous and irritable turn,—to +dwell on the anxiety and tenderness with which I have (as far as I possessed +the power) inspected and chosen your food; rejecting the indigestible +and heavy matter which some injudicious but well-meaning old ladies +would have had you swallow, and retaining only those light and pleasant +articles which I deemed calculated to keep you free from all gross humours, +and to render you an agreeable child, and one who might be popular with +society in general,—to dilate on the steadiness with which I have +prevented your annoying any company by talking politics—always +assuring you that you would thank me for it yourself some day when you +grew older,—to expatiate, in short, upon my own assiduity as a +parent, is beside my present purpose, though I cannot but contemplate +your fair appearance—your robust health, and unimpeded circulation +(which I take to be the great secret of your good looks) without the +liveliest satisfaction and delight.</p> +<p>It is a trite observation, and one which, young as you are, I have +no doubt you have often heard repeated, that we have fallen upon strange +times, and live in days of constant shiftings and changes. I had +a melancholy instance of this only a week or two since. I was +returning from Manchester to London by the Mail Train, when I suddenly +fell into another train—a mixed train—of reflection, occasioned +by the dejected and disconsolate demeanour of the Post-Office Guard. +We were stopping at some station where they take in water, when he dismounted +slowly from the little box in which he sits in ghastly mockery of his +old condition with pistol and blunderbuss beside him, ready to shoot +the first highwayman (or railwayman) who shall attempt to stop the horses, +which now travel (when they travel at all) <i>inside</i> and in a portable +stable invented for the purpose,—he dismounted, I say, slowly +and sadly, from his post, and looking mournfully about him as if in +dismal recollection of the old roadside public-house the blazing fire—the +glass of foaming ale—the buxom handmaid and admiring hangers-on +of tap-room and stable, all honoured by his notice; and, retiring a +little apart, stood leaning against a signal-post, surveying the engine +with a look of combined affliction and disgust which no words can describe. +His scarlet coat and golden lace were tarnished with ignoble smoke; +flakes of soot had fallen on his bright green shawl—his pride +in days of yore—the steam condensed in the tunnel from which we +had just emerged, shone upon his hat like rain. His eye betokened +that he was thinking of the coachman; and as it wandered to his own +seat and his own fast-fading garb, it was plain to see that he felt +his office and himself had alike no business there, and were nothing +but an elaborate practical joke.</p> +<p>As we whirled away, I was led insensibly into an anticipation of +those days to come, when mail-coach guards shall no longer be judges +of horse-flesh—when a mail-coach guard shall never even have seen +a horse—when stations shall have superseded stables, and corn +shall have given place to coke. ‘In those dawning times,’ +thought I, ‘exhibition-rooms shall teem with portraits of Her +Majesty’s favourite engine, with boilers after Nature by future +Landseers. Some Amburgh, yet unborn, shall break wild horses by +his magic power; and in the dress of a mail-coach guard exhibit his +TRAINED ANIMALS in a mock mail-coach. Then, shall wondering crowds +observe how that, with the exception of his whip, it is all his eye; +and crowned heads shall see them fed on oats, and stand alone unmoved +and undismayed, while counters flee affrighted when the coursers neigh!’</p> +<p>Such, my child, were the reflections from which I was only awakened +then, as I am now, by the necessity of attending to matters of present +though minor importance. I offer no apology to you for the digression, +for it brings me very naturally to the subject of change, which is the +very subject of which I desire to treat.</p> +<p>In fact, my child, you have changed hands. Henceforth I resign +you to the guardianship and protection of one of my most intimate and +valued friends, Mr. Ainsworth, with whom, and with you, my best wishes +and warmest feelings will ever remain. I reap no gain or profit +by parting from you, nor will any conveyance of your property be required, +for, in this respect, you have always been literally ‘Bentley’s’ +Miscellany, and never mine.</p> +<p>Unlike the driver of the old Manchester mail, I regard this altered +state of things with feelings of unmingled pleasure and satisfaction.</p> +<p>Unlike the guard of the new Manchester mail, <i>your</i> guard is +at home in his new place, and has roystering highwaymen and gallant +desperadoes ever within call. And if I might compare you, my child, +to an engine; (not a Tory engine, nor a Whig engine, but a brisk and +rapid locomotive;) your friends and patrons to passengers; and he who +now stands towards you <i>in loco parentis</i> as the skilful engineer +and supervisor of the whole, I would humbly crave leave to postpone +the departure of the train on its new and auspicious course for one +brief instant, while, with hat in hand, I approach side by side with +the friend who travelled with me on the old road, and presume to solicit +favour and kindness in behalf of him and his new charge, both for their +sakes and that of the old coachman,</p> +<p>Boz.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<p>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES ***</p> +<pre> + +******This file should be named mdfog10h.htm or mdfog10h.zip****** +Corrected EDITIONS of our EBooks get a new NUMBER, mdfog11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, mdfog10ah.htm + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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