diff options
Diffstat (limited to '912-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 912-0.txt | 3689 |
1 files changed, 3689 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/912-0.txt b/912-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ad1ecd2 --- /dev/null +++ b/912-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3689 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Mudfog and Other Sketches, by Charles +Dickens, Illustrated by George Cruikshank + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + + +Title: The Mudfog and Other Sketches + + +Author: Charles Dickens + + + +Release Date: February 25, 2015 [eBook #912] +[This file was first posted on May 19, 1997] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES*** + + +Transcribed from the 1903 Chapman and Hall _Sketches by Boz_ edition by +David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org + + + + + + THE MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES + + +CONTENTS + + PAGE +Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble 495 +Full Report of the First Meeting of the Mudfog Association 513 +for the Advancement of Everything + Section A. Zoology and Botany + Section B. Anatomy and Medicine + Section C. Statistics + Section D. Mechanical Science +Full Report of the Second Meeting of the Mudfog Association 531 +for the Advancement of Everything + Section A. Zoology and Botany + Section B. Display of Models and + Mechanical Science + Section C. Anatomy and Medicine + Section D. Statistics + Supplementary Section, E. Umbugology and + Ditchwaterisics +The Pantomime of Life 551 +Some Particulars Concerning a Lion 558 +Mr. Robert Bolton 563 +Familiar Epistle from a Parent to a Child 567 + + + + +PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE +ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG + + +MUDFOG is a pleasant town—a remarkably pleasant town—situated in a +charming hollow by the side of a river, from which river, Mudfog derives +an agreeable scent of pitch, tar, coals, and rope-yarn, a roving +population in oilskin hats, a pretty steady influx of drunken bargemen, +and a great many other maritime advantages. There is a good deal of +water about Mudfog, and yet it is not exactly the sort of town for a +watering-place, either. Water is a perverse sort of element at the best +of times, and in Mudfog it is particularly so. In winter, it comes +oozing down the streets and tumbling over the fields,—nay, rushes into +the very cellars and kitchens of the houses, with a lavish prodigality +that might well be dispensed with; but in the hot summer weather it +_will_ dry up, and turn green: and, although green is a very good colour +in its way, especially in grass, still it certainly is not becoming to +water; and it cannot be denied that the beauty of Mudfog is rather +impaired, even by this trifling circumstance. Mudfog is a healthy +place—very healthy;—damp, perhaps, but none the worse for that. It’s +quite a mistake to suppose that damp is unwholesome: plants thrive best +in damp situations, and why shouldn’t men? The inhabitants of Mudfog are +unanimous in asserting that there exists not a finer race of people on +the face of the earth; here we have an indisputable and veracious +contradiction of the vulgar error at once. So, admitting Mudfog to be +damp, we distinctly state that it is salubrious. + +The town of Mudfog is extremely picturesque. Limehouse and Ratcliff +Highway are both something like it, but they give you a very faint idea +of Mudfog. There are a great many more public-houses in Mudfog—more than +in Ratcliff Highway and Limehouse put together. The public buildings, +too, are very imposing. We consider the town-hall one of the finest +specimens of shed architecture, extant: it is a combination of the +pig-sty and tea-garden-box orders; and the simplicity of its design is of +surpassing beauty. The idea of placing a large window on one side of the +door, and a small one on the other, is particularly happy. There is a +fine old Doric beauty, too, about the padlock and scraper, which is +strictly in keeping with the general effect. + +In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assemble together in +solemn council for the public weal. Seated on the massive wooden +benches, which, with the table in the centre, form the only furniture of +the whitewashed apartment, the sage men of Mudfog spend hour after hour +in grave deliberation. Here they settle at what hour of the night the +public-houses shall be closed, at what hour of the morning they shall be +permitted to open, how soon it shall be lawful for people to eat their +dinner on church-days, and other great political questions; and +sometimes, long after silence has fallen on the town, and the distant +lights from the shops and houses have ceased to twinkle, like far-off +stars, to the sight of the boatmen on the river, the illumination in the +two unequal-sized windows of the town-hall, warns the inhabitants of +Mudfog that its little body of legislators, like a larger and +better-known body of the same genus, a great deal more noisy, and not a +whit more profound, are patriotically dozing away in company, far into +the night, for their country’s good. + +Among this knot of sage and learned men, no one was so eminently +distinguished, during many years, for the quiet modesty of his appearance +and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the well-known coal-dealer. +However exciting the subject of discussion, however animated the tone of +the debate, or however warm the personalities exchanged, (and even in +Mudfog we get personal sometimes,) Nicholas Tulrumble was always the +same. To say truth, Nicholas, being an industrious man, and always up +betimes, was apt to fall asleep when a debate began, and to remain asleep +till it was over, when he would wake up very much refreshed, and give his +vote with the greatest complacency. The fact was, that Nicholas +Tulrumble, knowing that everybody there had made up his mind beforehand, +considered the talking as just a long botheration about nothing at all; +and to the present hour it remains a question, whether, on this point at +all events, Nicholas Tulrumble was not pretty near right. + +Time, which strews a man’s head with silver, sometimes fills his pockets +with gold. As he gradually performed one good office for Nicholas +Tulrumble, he was obliging enough, not to omit the other. Nicholas began +life in a wooden tenement of four feet square, with a capital of two and +ninepence, and a stock in trade of three bushels and a-half of coals, +exclusive of the large lump which hung, by way of sign-board, outside. +Then he enlarged the shed, and kept a truck; then he left the shed, and +the truck too, and started a donkey and a Mrs. Tulrumble; then he moved +again and set up a cart; the cart was soon afterwards exchanged for a +waggon; and so he went on like his great predecessor Whittington—only +without a cat for a partner—increasing in wealth and fame, until at last +he gave up business altogether, and retired with Mrs. Tulrumble and +family to Mudfog Hall, which he had himself erected, on something which +he attempted to delude himself into the belief was a hill, about a +quarter of a mile distant from the town of Mudfog. + +About this time, it began to be murmured in Mudfog that Nicholas +Tulrumble was growing vain and haughty; that prosperity and success had +corrupted the simplicity of his manners, and tainted the natural goodness +of his heart; in short, that he was setting up for a public character, +and a great gentleman, and affected to look down upon his old companions +with compassion and contempt. Whether these reports were at the time +well-founded, or not, certain it is that Mrs. Tulrumble very shortly +afterwards started a four-wheel chaise, driven by a tall postilion in a +yellow cap,—that Mr. Tulrumble junior took to smoking cigars, and calling +the footman a ‘feller,’—and that Mr. Tulrumble from that time forth, was +no more seen in his old seat in the chimney-corner of the Lighterman’s +Arms at night. This looked bad; but, more than this, it began to be +observed that Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble attended the corporation meetings +more frequently than heretofore; and he no longer went to sleep as he had +done for so many years, but propped his eyelids open with his two +forefingers; that he read the newspapers by himself at home; and that he +was in the habit of indulging abroad in distant and mysterious allusions +to ‘masses of people,’ and ‘the property of the country,’ and ‘productive +power,’ and ‘the monied interest:’ all of which denoted and proved that +Nicholas Tulrumble was either mad, or worse; and it puzzled the good +people of Mudfog amazingly. + +At length, about the middle of the month of October, Mr. Tulrumble and +family went up to London; the middle of October being, as Mrs. Tulrumble +informed her acquaintance in Mudfog, the very height of the fashionable +season. + +Somehow or other, just about this time, despite the health-preserving air +of Mudfog, the Mayor died. It was a most extraordinary circumstance; he +had lived in Mudfog for eighty-five years. The corporation didn’t +understand it at all; indeed it was with great difficulty that one old +gentleman, who was a great stickler for forms, was dissuaded from +proposing a vote of censure on such unaccountable conduct. Strange as it +was, however, die he did, without taking the slightest notice of the +corporation; and the corporation were imperatively called upon to elect +his successor. So, they met for the purpose; and being very full of +Nicholas Tulrumble just then, and Nicholas Tulrumble being a very +important man, they elected him, and wrote off to London by the very next +post to acquaint Nicholas Tulrumble with his new elevation. + +Now, it being November time, and Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble being in the +capital, it fell out that he was present at the Lord Mayor’s show and +dinner, at sight of the glory and splendour whereof, he, Mr. Tulrumble, +was greatly mortified, inasmuch as the reflection would force itself on +his mind, that, had he been born in London instead of in Mudfog, he might +have been a Lord Mayor too, and have patronized the judges, and been +affable to the Lord Chancellor, and friendly with the Premier, and coldly +condescending to the Secretary to the Treasury, and have dined with a +flag behind his back, and done a great many other acts and deeds which +unto Lord Mayors of London peculiarly appertain. The more he thought of +the Lord Mayor, the more enviable a personage he seemed. To be a King +was all very well; but what was the King to the Lord Mayor! When the +King made a speech, everybody knew it was somebody else’s writing; +whereas here was the Lord Mayor, talking away for half an hour-all out of +his own head—amidst the enthusiastic applause of the whole company, while +it was notorious that the King might talk to his parliament till he was +black in the face without getting so much as a single cheer. As all +these reflections passed through the mind of Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble, the +Lord Mayor of London appeared to him the greatest sovereign on the face +of the earth, beating the Emperor of Russia all to nothing, and leaving +the Great Mogul immeasurably behind. + +Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering over these things, and inwardly +cursing the fate which had pitched his coal-shed in Mudfog, when the +letter of the corporation was put into his hand. A crimson flush mantled +over his face as he read it, for visions of brightness were already +dancing before his imagination. + +‘My dear,’ said Mr. Tulrumble to his wife, ‘they have elected me, Mayor +of Mudfog.’ + +‘Lor-a-mussy!’ said Mrs. Tulrumble: ‘why what’s become of old Sniggs?’ + +‘The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble,’ said Mr. Tulrumble sharply, for he +by no means approved of the notion of unceremoniously designating a +gentleman who filled the high office of Mayor, as ‘Old Sniggs,’—‘The late +Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble, is dead.’ + +The communication was very unexpected; but Mrs. Tulrumble only ejaculated +‘Lor-a-mussy!’ once again, as if a Mayor were a mere ordinary Christian, +at which Mr. Tulrumble frowned gloomily. + +‘What a pity ’tan’t in London, ain’t it?’ said Mrs. Tulrumble, after a +short pause; ‘what a pity ’tan’t in London, where you might have had a +show.’ + +‘I _might_ have a show in Mudfog, if I thought proper, I apprehend,’ said +Mr. Tulrumble mysteriously. + +‘Lor! so you might, I declare,’ replied Mrs. Tulrumble. + +‘And a good one too,’ said Mr. Tulrumble. + +‘Delightful!’ exclaimed Mrs. Tulrumble. + +‘One which would rather astonish the ignorant people down there,’ said +Mr. Tulrumble. + +‘It would kill them with envy,’ said Mrs. Tulrumble. + +So it was agreed that his Majesty’s lieges in Mudfog should be astonished +with splendour, and slaughtered with envy, and that such a show should +take place as had never been seen in that town, or in any other town +before,—no, not even in London itself. + +On the very next day after the receipt of the letter, down came the tall +postilion in a post-chaise,—not upon one of the horses, but +inside—actually inside the chaise,—and, driving up to the very door of +the town-hall, where the corporation were assembled, delivered a letter, +written by the Lord knows who, and signed by Nicholas Tulrumble, in which +Nicholas said, all through four sides of closely-written, gilt-edged, +hot-pressed, Bath post letter paper, that he responded to the call of his +fellow-townsmen with feelings of heartfelt delight; that he accepted the +arduous office which their confidence had imposed upon him; that they +would never find him shrinking from the discharge of his duty; that he +would endeavour to execute his functions with all that dignity which +their magnitude and importance demanded; and a great deal more to the +same effect. But even this was not all. The tall postilion produced +from his right-hand top-boot, a damp copy of that afternoon’s number of +the county paper; and there, in large type, running the whole length of +the very first column, was a long address from Nicholas Tulrumble to the +inhabitants of Mudfog, in which he said that he cheerfully complied with +their requisition, and, in short, as if to prevent any mistake about the +matter, told them over again what a grand fellow he meant to be, in very +much the same terms as those in which he had already told them all about +the matter in his letter. + +The corporation stared at one another very hard at all this, and then +looked as if for explanation to the tall postilion, but as the tall +postilion was intently contemplating the gold tassel on the top of his +yellow cap, and could have afforded no explanation whatever, even if his +thoughts had been entirely disengaged, they contented themselves with +coughing very dubiously, and looking very grave. The tall postilion then +delivered another letter, in which Nicholas Tulrumble informed the +corporation, that he intended repairing to the town-hall, in grand state +and gorgeous procession, on the Monday afternoon next ensuing. At this +the corporation looked still more solemn; but, as the epistle wound up +with a formal invitation to the whole body to dine with the Mayor on that +day, at Mudfog Hall, Mudfog Hill, Mudfog, they began to see the fun of +the thing directly, and sent back their compliments, and they’d be sure +to come. + +Now there happened to be in Mudfog, as somehow or other there does happen +to be, in almost every town in the British dominions, and perhaps in +foreign dominions too—we think it very likely, but, being no great +traveller, cannot distinctly say—there happened to be, in Mudfog, a +merry-tempered, pleasant-faced, good-for-nothing sort of vagabond, with +an invincible dislike to manual labour, and an unconquerable attachment +to strong beer and spirits, whom everybody knew, and nobody, except his +wife, took the trouble to quarrel with, who inherited from his ancestors +the appellation of Edward Twigger, and rejoiced in the _sobriquet_ of +Bottle-nosed Ned. He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent +upon an equally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, +he was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication. He was +a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, a sharp wit, +and a ready head, and could turn his hand to anything when he chose to do +it. He was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would +work away at a cricket-match by the day together,—running, and catching, +and batting, and bowling, and revelling in toil which would exhaust a +galley-slave. He would have been invaluable to a fire-office; never was +a man with such a natural taste for pumping engines, running up ladders, +and throwing furniture out of two-pair-of-stairs’ windows: nor was this +the only element in which he was at home; he was a humane society in +himself, a portable drag, an animated life-preserver, and had saved more +people, in his time, from drowning, than the Plymouth life-boat, or +Captain Manby’s apparatus. With all these qualifications, +notwithstanding his dissipation, Bottle-nosed Ned was a general +favourite; and the authorities of Mudfog, remembering his numerous +services to the population, allowed him in return to get drunk in his own +way, without the fear of stocks, fine, or imprisonment. He had a general +licence, and he showed his sense of the compliment by making the most of +it. + +We have been thus particular in describing the character and avocations +of Bottle-nosed Ned, because it enables us to introduce a fact politely, +without hauling it into the reader’s presence with indecent haste by the +head and shoulders, and brings us very naturally to relate, that on the +very same evening on which Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble and family returned to +Mudfog, Mr. Tulrumble’s new secretary, just imported from London, with a +pale face and light whiskers, thrust his head down to the very bottom of +his neckcloth-tie, in at the tap-room door of the Lighterman’s Arms, and +inquiring whether one Ned Twigger was luxuriating within, announced +himself as the bearer of a message from Nicholas Tulrumble, Esquire, +requiring Mr. Twigger’s immediate attendance at the hall, on private and +particular business. It being by no means Mr. Twigger’s interest to +affront the Mayor, he rose from the fireplace with a slight sigh, and +followed the light-whiskered secretary through the dirt and wet of Mudfog +streets, up to Mudfog Hall, without further ado. + +Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in a small cavern with a skylight, +which he called his library, sketching out a plan of the procession on a +large sheet of paper; and into the cavern the secretary ushered Ned +Twigger. + +‘Well, Twigger!’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, condescendingly. + +There was a time when Twigger would have replied, ‘Well, Nick!’ but that +was in the days of the truck, and a couple of years before the donkey; +so, he only bowed. + +‘I want you to go into training, Twigger,’ said Mr. Tulrumble. + +‘What for, sir?’ inquired Ned, with a stare. + +‘Hush, hush, Twigger!’ said the Mayor. ‘Shut the door, Mr. Jennings. +Look here, Twigger.’ + +As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a high closet, and disclosed a +complete suit of brass armour, of gigantic dimensions. + +‘I want you to wear this next Monday, Twigger,’ said the Mayor. + +‘Bless your heart and soul, sir!’ replied Ned, ‘you might as well ask me +to wear a seventy-four pounder, or a cast-iron boiler.’ + +‘Nonsense, Twigger, nonsense!’ said the Mayor. + +‘I couldn’t stand under it, sir,’ said Twigger; ‘it would make mashed +potatoes of me, if I attempted it.’ + +‘Pooh, pooh, Twigger!’ returned the Mayor. ‘I tell you I have seen it +done with my own eyes, in London, and the man wasn’t half such a man as +you are, either.’ + +‘I should as soon have thought of a man’s wearing the case of an +eight-day clock to save his linen,’ said Twigger, casting a look of +apprehension at the brass suit. + +‘It’s the easiest thing in the world,’ rejoined the Mayor. + +‘It’s nothing,’ said Mr. Jennings. + +‘When you’re used to it,’ added Ned. + +‘You do it by degrees,’ said the Mayor. ‘You would begin with one piece +to-morrow, and two the next day, and so on, till you had got it all on. +Mr. Jennings, give Twigger a glass of rum. Just try the breast-plate, +Twigger. Stay; take another glass of rum first. Help me to lift it, Mr. +Jennings. Stand firm, Twigger! There!—it isn’t half as heavy as it +looks, is it?’ + +Twigger was a good strong, stout fellow; so, after a great deal of +staggering, he managed to keep himself up, under the breastplate, and +even contrived, with the aid of another glass of rum, to walk about in +it, and the gauntlets into the bargain. He made a trial of the helmet, +but was not equally successful, inasmuch as he tipped over instantly,—an +accident which Mr. Tulrumble clearly demonstrated to be occasioned by his +not having a counteracting weight of brass on his legs. + +‘Now, wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next,’ said Tulrumble, +‘and I’ll make your fortune.’ + +‘I’ll try what I can do, sir,’ said Twigger. + +‘It must be kept a profound secret,’ said Tulrumble. + +‘Of course, sir,’ replied Twigger. + +‘And you must be sober,’ said Tulrumble; ‘perfectly sober.’ Mr. Twigger +at once solemnly pledged himself to be as sober as a judge, and Nicholas +Tulrumble was satisfied, although, had we been Nicholas, we should +certainly have exacted some promise of a more specific nature; inasmuch +as, having attended the Mudfog assizes in the evening more than once, we +can solemnly testify to having seen judges with very strong symptoms of +dinner under their wigs. However, that’s neither here nor there. + +The next day, and the day following, and the day after that, Ned Twigger +was securely locked up in the small cavern with the sky-light, hard at +work at the armour. With every additional piece he could manage to stand +upright in, he had an additional glass of rum; and at last, after many +partial suffocations, he contrived to get on the whole suit, and to +stagger up and down the room in it, like an intoxicated effigy from +Westminster Abbey. + +Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble; never was woman so +charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble’s wife. Here was a sight for the common +people of Mudfog! A live man in brass armour! Why, they would go wild +with wonder! + +The day—_the_ Monday—arrived. + +If the morning had been made to order, it couldn’t have been better +adapted to the purpose. They never showed a better fog in London on Lord +Mayor’s day, than enwrapped the town of Mudfog on that eventful occasion. +It had risen slowly and surely from the green and stagnant water with the +first light of morning, until it reached a little above the lamp-post +tops; and there it had stopped, with a sleepy, sluggish obstinacy, which +bade defiance to the sun, who had got up very blood-shot about the eyes, +as if he had been at a drinking-party over-night, and was doing his day’s +work with the worst possible grace. The thick damp mist hung over the +town like a huge gauze curtain. All was dim and dismal. The church +steeples had bidden a temporary adieu to the world below; and every +object of lesser importance—houses, barns, hedges, trees, and barges—had +all taken the veil. + +The church-clock struck one. A cracked trumpet from the front garden of +Mudfog Hall produced a feeble flourish, as if some asthmatic person had +coughed into it accidentally; the gate flew open, and out came a +gentleman, on a moist-sugar coloured charger, intended to represent a +herald, but bearing a much stronger resemblance to a court-card on +horseback. This was one of the Circus people, who always came down to +Mudfog at that time of the year, and who had been engaged by Nicholas +Tulrumble expressly for the occasion. There was the horse, whisking his +tail about, balancing himself on his hind-legs, and flourishing away with +his fore-feet, in a manner which would have gone to the hearts and souls +of any reasonable crowd. But a Mudfog crowd never was a reasonable one, +and in all probability never will be. Instead of scattering the very fog +with their shouts, as they ought most indubitably to have done, and were +fully intended to do, by Nicholas Tulrumble, they no sooner recognized +the herald, than they began to growl forth the most unqualified +disapprobation at the bare notion of his riding like any other man. If +he had come out on his head indeed, or jumping through a hoop, or flying +through a red-hot drum, or even standing on one leg with his other foot +in his mouth, they might have had something to say to him; but for a +professional gentleman to sit astride in the saddle, with his feet in the +stirrups, was rather too good a joke. So, the herald was a decided +failure, and the crowd hooted with great energy, as he pranced +ingloriously away. + +On the procession came. We are afraid to say how many supernumeraries +there were, in striped shirts and black velvet caps, to imitate the +London watermen, or how many base imitations of running-footmen, or how +many banners, which, owing to the heaviness of the atmosphere, could by +no means be prevailed on to display their inscriptions: still less do we +feel disposed to relate how the men who played the wind instruments, +looking up into the sky (we mean the fog) with musical fervour, walked +through pools of water and hillocks of mud, till they covered the +powdered heads of the running-footmen aforesaid with splashes, that +looked curious, but not ornamental; or how the barrel-organ performer put +on the wrong stop, and played one tune while the band played another; or +how the horses, being used to the arena, and not to the streets, would +stand still and dance, instead of going on and prancing;—all of which are +matters which might be dilated upon to great advantage, but which we have +not the least intention of dilating upon, notwithstanding. + +Oh! it was a grand and beautiful sight to behold a corporation in glass +coaches, provided at the sole cost and charge of Nicholas Tulrumble, +coming rolling along, like a funeral out of mourning, and to watch the +attempts the corporation made to look great and solemn, when Nicholas +Tulrumble himself, in the four-wheel chaise, with the tall postilion, +rolled out after them, with Mr. Jennings on one side to look like a +chaplain, and a supernumerary on the other, with an old life-guardsman’s +sabre, to imitate the sword-bearer; and to see the tears rolling down the +faces of the mob as they screamed with merriment. This was beautiful! +and so was the appearance of Mrs. Tulrumble and son, as they bowed with +grave dignity out of their coach-window to all the dirty faces that were +laughing around them: but it is not even with this that we have to do, +but with the sudden stopping of the procession at another blast of the +trumpet, whereat, and whereupon, a profound silence ensued, and all eyes +were turned towards Mudfog Hall, in the confident anticipation of some +new wonder. + +‘They won’t laugh now, Mr. Jennings,’ said Nicholas Tulrumble. + +‘I think not, sir,’ said Mr. Jennings. + +‘See how eager they look,’ said Nicholas Tulrumble. ‘Aha! the laugh will +be on our side now; eh, Mr. Jennings?’ + +‘No doubt of that, sir,’ replied Mr. Jennings; and Nicholas Tulrumble, in +a state of pleasurable excitement, stood up in the four-wheel chaise, and +telegraphed gratification to the Mayoress behind. + +While all this was going forward, Ned Twigger had descended into the +kitchen of Mudfog Hall for the purpose of indulging the servants with a +private view of the curiosity that was to burst upon the town; and, +somehow or other, the footman was so companionable, and the housemaid so +kind, and the cook so friendly, that he could not resist the offer of the +first-mentioned to sit down and take something—just to drink success to +master in. + +So, down Ned Twigger sat himself in his brass livery on the top of the +kitchen-table; and in a mug of something strong, paid for by the +unconscious Nicholas Tulrumble, and provided by the companionable +footman, drank success to the Mayor and his procession; and, as Ned laid +by his helmet to imbibe the something strong, the companionable footman +put it on his own head, to the immeasurable and unrecordable delight of +the cook and housemaid. The companionable footman was very facetious to +Ned, and Ned was very gallant to the cook and housemaid by turns. They +were all very cosy and comfortable; and the something strong went briskly +round. + +At last Ned Twigger was loudly called for, by the procession people: and, +having had his helmet fixed on, in a very complicated manner, by the +companionable footman, and the kind housemaid, and the friendly cook, he +walked gravely forth, and appeared before the multitude. + +The crowd roared—it was not with wonder, it was not with surprise; it was +most decidedly and unquestionably with laughter. + +‘What!’ said Mr. Tulrumble, starting up in the four-wheel chaise. +‘Laughing? If they laugh at a man in real brass armour, they’d laugh +when their own fathers were dying. Why doesn’t he go into his place, Mr. +Jennings? What’s he rolling down towards us for? he has no business +here!’ + +‘I am afraid, sir—’ faltered Mr. Jennings. + +‘Afraid of what, sir?’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, looking up into the +secretary’s face. + +‘I am afraid he’s drunk, sir,’ replied Mr. Jennings. + +Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at the extraordinary figure that was +bearing down upon them; and then, clasping his secretary by the arm, +uttered an audible groan in anguish of spirit. + +It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigger having full licence to demand a +single glass of rum on the putting on of every piece of the armour, got, +by some means or other, rather out of his calculation in the hurry and +confusion of preparation, and drank about four glasses to a piece instead +of one, not to mention the something strong which went on the top of it. +Whether the brass armour checked the natural flow of perspiration, and +thus prevented the spirit from evaporating, we are not scientific enough +to know; but, whatever the cause was, Mr. Twigger no sooner found himself +outside the gate of Mudfog Hall, than he also found himself in a very +considerable state of intoxication; and hence his extraordinary style of +progressing. This was bad enough, but, as if fate and fortune had +conspired against Nicholas Tulrumble, Mr. Twigger, not having been +penitent for a good calendar month, took it into his head to be most +especially and particularly sentimental, just when his repentance could +have been most conveniently dispensed with. Immense tears were rolling +down his cheeks, and he was vainly endeavouring to conceal his grief by +applying to his eyes a blue cotton pocket-handkerchief with white +spots,—an article not strictly in keeping with a suit of armour some +three hundred years old, or thereabouts. + +‘Twigger, you villain!’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, quite forgetting his +dignity, ‘go back.’ + +‘Never,’ said Ned. ‘I’m a miserable wretch. I’ll never leave you.’ + +The by-standers of course received this declaration with acclamations of +‘That’s right, Ned; don’t!’ + +‘I don’t intend it,’ said Ned, with all the obstinacy of a very tipsy +man. ‘I’m very unhappy. I’m the wretched father of an unfortunate +family; but I am very faithful, sir. I’ll never leave you.’ Having +reiterated this obliging promise, Ned proceeded in broken words to +harangue the crowd upon the number of years he had lived in Mudfog, the +excessive respectability of his character, and other topics of the like +nature. + +‘Here! will anybody lead him away?’ said Nicholas: ‘if they’ll call on me +afterwards, I’ll reward them well.’ + +Two or three men stepped forward, with the view of bearing Ned off, when +the secretary interposed. + + [Picture: Ned Twigger in the kitchen of Mudfog Hall] + +‘Take care! take care!’ said Mr. Jennings. ‘I beg your pardon, sir; but +they’d better not go too near him, because, if he falls over, he’ll +certainly crush somebody.’ + +At this hint the crowd retired on all sides to a very respectful +distance, and left Ned, like the Duke of Devonshire, in a little circle +of his own. + +‘But, Mr. Jennings,’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, ‘he’ll be suffocated.’ + +‘I’m very sorry for it, sir,’ replied Mr. Jennings; ‘but nobody can get +that armour off, without his own assistance. I’m quite certain of it +from the way he put it on.’ + +Here Ned wept dolefully, and shook his helmeted head, in a manner that +might have touched a heart of stone; but the crowd had not hearts of +stone, and they laughed heartily. + +‘Dear me, Mr. Jennings,’ said Nicholas, turning pale at the possibility +of Ned’s being smothered in his antique costume—‘Dear me, Mr. Jennings, +can nothing be done with him?’ + +‘Nothing at all,’ replied Ned, ‘nothing at all. Gentlemen, I’m an +unhappy wretch. I’m a body, gentlemen, in a brass coffin.’ At this +poetical idea of his own conjuring up, Ned cried so much that the people +began to get sympathetic, and to ask what Nicholas Tulrumble meant by +putting a man into such a machine as that; and one individual in a hairy +waistcoat like the top of a trunk, who had previously expressed his +opinion that if Ned hadn’t been a poor man, Nicholas wouldn’t have dared +do it, hinted at the propriety of breaking the four-wheel chaise, or +Nicholas’s head, or both, which last compound proposition the crowd +seemed to consider a very good notion. + +It was not acted upon, however, for it had hardly been broached, when Ned +Twigger’s wife made her appearance abruptly in the little circle before +noticed, and Ned no sooner caught a glimpse of her face and form, than +from the mere force of habit he set off towards his home just as fast as +his legs could carry him; and that was not very quick in the present +instance either, for, however ready they might have been to carry _him_, +they couldn’t get on very well under the brass armour. So, Mrs. Twigger +had plenty of time to denounce Nicholas Tulrumble to his face: to express +her opinion that he was a decided monster; and to intimate that, if her +ill-used husband sustained any personal damage from the brass armour, she +would have the law of Nicholas Tulrumble for manslaughter. When she had +said all this with due vehemence, she posted after Ned, who was dragging +himself along as best he could, and deploring his unhappiness in most +dismal tones. + +What a wailing and screaming Ned’s children raised when he got home at +last! Mrs. Twigger tried to undo the armour, first in one place, and +then in another, but she couldn’t manage it; so she tumbled Ned into bed, +helmet, armour, gauntlets, and all. Such a creaking as the bedstead +made, under Ned’s weight in his new suit! It didn’t break down though; +and there Ned lay, like the anonymous vessel in the Bay of Biscay, till +next day, drinking barley-water, and looking miserable: and every time he +groaned, his good lady said it served him right, which was all the +consolation Ned Twigger got. + +Nicholas Tulrumble and the gorgeous procession went on together to the +town-hall, amid the hisses and groans of all the spectators, who had +suddenly taken it into their heads to consider poor Ned a martyr. +Nicholas was formally installed in his new office, in acknowledgment of +which ceremony he delivered himself of a speech, composed by the +secretary, which was very long, and no doubt very good, only the noise of +the people outside prevented anybody from hearing it, but Nicholas +Tulrumble himself. After which, the procession got back to Mudfog Hall +any how it could; and Nicholas and the corporation sat down to dinner. + +But the dinner was flat, and Nicholas was disappointed. They were such +dull sleepy old fellows, that corporation. Nicholas made quite as long +speeches as the Lord Mayor of London had done, nay, he said the very same +things that the Lord Mayor of London had said, and the deuce a cheer the +corporation gave him. There was only one man in the party who was +thoroughly awake; and he was insolent, and called him Nick. Nick! What +would be the consequence, thought Nicholas, of anybody presuming to call +the Lord Mayor of London ‘Nick!’ He should like to know what the +sword-bearer would say to that; or the recorder, or the toast-master, or +any other of the great officers of the city. They’d nick him. + +But these were not the worst of Nicholas Tulrumble’s doings. If they had +been, he might have remained a Mayor to this day, and have talked till he +lost his voice. He contracted a relish for statistics, and got +philosophical; and the statistics and the philosophy together, led him +into an act which increased his unpopularity and hastened his downfall. + +At the very end of the Mudfog High-street, and abutting on the +river-side, stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashioned low-roofed, +bay-windowed house, with a bar, kitchen, and tap-room all in one, and a +large fireplace with a kettle to correspond, round which the working men +have congregated time out of mind on a winter’s night, refreshed by +draughts of good strong beer, and cheered by the sounds of a fiddle and +tambourine: the Jolly Boatmen having been duly licensed by the Mayor and +corporation, to scrape the fiddle and thumb the tambourine from time, +whereof the memory of the oldest inhabitants goeth not to the contrary. +Now Nicholas Tulrumble had been reading pamphlets on crime, and +parliamentary reports,—or had made the secretary read them to him, which +is the same thing in effect,—and he at once perceived that this fiddle +and tambourine must have done more to demoralize Mudfog, than any other +operating causes that ingenuity could imagine. So he read up for the +subject, and determined to come out on the corporation with a burst, the +very next time the licence was applied for. + +The licensing day came, and the red-faced landlord of the Jolly Boatmen +walked into the town-hall, looking as jolly as need be, having actually +put on an extra fiddle for that night, to commemorate the anniversary of +the Jolly Boatmen’s music licence. It was applied for in due form, and +was just about to be granted as a matter of course, when up rose Nicholas +Tulrumble, and drowned the astonished corporation in a torrent of +eloquence. He descanted in glowing terms upon the increasing depravity +of his native town of Mudfog, and the excesses committed by its +population. Then, he related how shocked he had been, to see barrels of +beer sliding down into the cellar of the Jolly Boatmen week after week; +and how he had sat at a window opposite the Jolly Boatmen for two days +together, to count the people who went in for beer between the hours of +twelve and one o’clock alone—which, by-the-bye, was the time at which the +great majority of the Mudfog people dined. Then, he went on to state, +how the number of people who came out with beer-jugs, averaged twenty-one +in five minutes, which, being multiplied by twelve, gave two hundred and +fifty-two people with beer-jugs in an hour, and multiplied again by +fifteen (the number of hours during which the house was open daily) +yielded three thousand seven hundred and eighty people with beer-jugs per +day, or twenty-six thousand four hundred and sixty people with beer-jugs, +per week. Then he proceeded to show that a tambourine and moral +degradation were synonymous terms, and a fiddle and vicious propensities +wholly inseparable. All these arguments he strengthened and demonstrated +by frequent references to a large book with a blue cover, and sundry +quotations from the Middlesex magistrates; and in the end, the +corporation, who were posed with the figures, and sleepy with the speech, +and sadly in want of dinner into the bargain, yielded the palm to +Nicholas Tulrumble, and refused the music licence to the Jolly Boatmen. + +But although Nicholas triumphed, his triumph was short. He carried on +the war against beer-jugs and fiddles, forgetting the time when he was +glad to drink out of the one, and to dance to the other, till the people +hated, and his old friends shunned him. He grew tired of the lonely +magnificence of Mudfog Hall, and his heart yearned towards the +Lighterman’s Arms. He wished he had never set up as a public man, and +sighed for the good old times of the coal-shop, and the chimney corner. + +At length old Nicholas, being thoroughly miserable, took heart of grace, +paid the secretary a quarter’s wages in advance, and packed him off to +London by the next coach. Having taken this step, he put his hat on his +head, and his pride in his pocket, and walked down to the old room at the +Lighterman’s Arms. There were only two of the old fellows there, and +they looked coldly on Nicholas as he proffered his hand. + +‘Are you going to put down pipes, Mr. Tulrumble?’ said one. + +‘Or trace the progress of crime to ’bacca?’ growled another. + +‘Neither,’ replied Nicholas Tulrumble, shaking hands with them both, +whether they would or not. ‘I’ve come down to say that I’m very sorry +for having made a fool of myself, and that I hope you’ll give me up the +old chair, again.’ + +The old fellows opened their eyes, and three or four more old fellows +opened the door, to whom Nicholas, with tears in his eyes, thrust out his +hand too, and told the same story. They raised a shout of joy, that made +the bells in the ancient church-tower vibrate again, and wheeling the old +chair into the warm corner, thrust old Nicholas down into it, and ordered +in the very largest-sized bowl of hot punch, with an unlimited number of +pipes, directly. + +The next day, the Jolly Boatmen got the licence, and the next night, old +Nicholas and Ned Twigger’s wife led off a dance to the music of the +fiddle and tambourine, the tone of which seemed mightily improved by a +little rest, for they never had played so merrily before. Ned Twigger +was in the very height of his glory, and he danced hornpipes, and +balanced chairs on his chin, and straws on his nose, till the whole +company, including the corporation, were in raptures of admiration at the +brilliancy of his acquirements. + +Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn’t make up his mind to be anything but +magnificent, so he went up to London and drew bills on his father; and +when he had overdrawn, and got into debt, he grew penitent, and came home +again. + +As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, and having had six weeks of public +life, never tried it any more. He went to sleep in the town-hall at the +very next meeting; and, in full proof of his sincerity, has requested us +to write this faithful narrative. We wish it could have the effect of +reminding the Tulrumbles of another sphere, that puffed-up conceit is not +dignity, and that snarling at the little pleasures they were once glad to +enjoy, because they would rather forget the times when they were of lower +station, renders them objects of contempt and ridicule. + +This is the first time we have published any of our gleanings from this +particular source. Perhaps, at some future period, we may venture to +open the chronicles of Mudfog. + + + + +FULL REPORT OF THE +FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG +ASSOCIATION +FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING + + +WE have made the most unparalleled and extraordinary exertions to place +before our readers a complete and accurate account of the proceedings at +the late grand meeting of the Mudfog Association, holden in the town of +Mudfog; it affords us great happiness to lay the result before them, in +the shape of various communications received from our able, talented, and +graphic correspondent, expressly sent down for the purpose, who has +immortalized us, himself, Mudfog, and the association, all at one and the +same time. We have been, indeed, for some days unable to determine who +will transmit the greatest name to posterity; ourselves, who sent our +correspondent down; our correspondent, who wrote an account of the +matter; or the association, who gave our correspondent something to write +about. We rather incline to the opinion that we are the greatest man of +the party, inasmuch as the notion of an exclusive and authentic report +originated with us; this may be prejudice: it may arise from a +prepossession on our part in our own favour. Be it so. We have no doubt +that every gentleman concerned in this mighty assemblage is troubled with +the same complaint in a greater or less degree; and it is a consolation +to us to know that we have at least this feeling in common with the great +scientific stars, the brilliant and extraordinary luminaries, whose +speculations we record. + +We give our correspondent’s letters in the order in which they reached +us. Any attempt at amalgamating them into one beautiful whole, would +only destroy that glowing tone, that dash of wildness, and rich vein of +picturesque interest, which pervade them throughout. + + ‘_Mudfog_, _Monday night_, _seven o’clock_. + +‘WE are in a state of great excitement here. Nothing is spoken of, but +the approaching meeting of the association. The inn-doors are thronged +with waiters anxiously looking for the expected arrivals; and the +numerous bills which are wafered up in the windows of private houses, +intimating that there are beds to let within, give the streets a very +animated and cheerful appearance, the wafers being of a great variety of +colours, and the monotony of printed inscriptions being relieved by every +possible size and style of hand-writing. It is confidently rumoured that +Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy have engaged three beds and a +sitting-room at the Pig and Tinder-box. I give you the rumour as it has +reached me; but I cannot, as yet, vouch for its accuracy. The moment I +have been enabled to obtain any certain information upon this interesting +point, you may depend upon receiving it.’ + + ‘_Half-past seven_. + +I HAVE just returned from a personal interview with the landlord of the +Pig and Tinder-box. He speaks confidently of the probability of +Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy taking up their residence at his house +during the sitting of the association, but denies that the beds have been +yet engaged; in which representation he is confirmed by the chambermaid—a +girl of artless manners, and interesting appearance. The boots denies +that it is at all likely that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will put +up here; but I have reason to believe that this man has been suborned by +the proprietor of the Original Pig, which is the opposition hotel. +Amidst such conflicting testimony it is difficult to arrive at the real +truth; but you may depend upon receiving authentic information upon this +point the moment the fact is ascertained. The excitement still +continues. A boy fell through the window of the pastrycook’s shop at the +corner of the High-street about half an hour ago, which has occasioned +much confusion. The general impression is, that it was an accident. +Pray heaven it may prove so!’ + + ‘_Tuesday_, _noon_. + +‘AT an early hour this morning the bells of all the churches struck seven +o’clock; the effect of which, in the present lively state of the town, +was extremely singular. While I was at breakfast, a yellow gig, drawn by +a dark grey horse, with a patch of white over his right eyelid, proceeded +at a rapid pace in the direction of the Original Pig stables; it is +currently reported that this gentleman has arrived here for the purpose +of attending the association, and, from what I have heard, I consider it +extremely probable, although nothing decisive is yet known regarding him. +You may conceive the anxiety with which we are all looking forward to the +arrival of the four o’clock coach this afternoon. + +‘Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no outrage has yet +been committed, owing to the admirable discipline and discretion of the +police, who are nowhere to be seen. A barrel-organ is playing opposite +my window, and groups of people, offering fish and vegetables for sale, +parade the streets. With these exceptions everything is quiet, and I +trust will continue so.’ + + ‘_Five o’clock_. + +‘IT is now ascertained, beyond all doubt, that Professors Snore, Doze, +and Wheezy will _not_ repair to the Pig and Tinder-box, but have actually +engaged apartments at the Original Pig. This intelligence is +_exclusive_; and I leave you and your readers to draw their own +inferences from it. Why Professor Wheezy, of all people in the world, +should repair to the Original Pig in preference to the Pig and +Tinder-box, it is not easy to conceive. The professor is a man who +should be above all such petty feelings. Some people here openly impute +treachery, and a distinct breach of faith to Professors Snore and Doze; +while others, again, are disposed to acquit them of any culpability in +the transaction, and to insinuate that the blame rests solely with +Professor Wheezy. I own that I incline to the latter opinion; and +although it gives me great pain to speak in terms of censure or +disapprobation of a man of such transcendent genius and acquirements, +still I am bound to say that, if my suspicions be well founded, and if +all the reports which have reached my ears be true, I really do not well +know what to make of the matter. + +‘Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, arrived this +afternoon by the four o’clock stage. His complexion is a dark purple, +and he has a habit of sighing constantly. He looked extremely well, and +appeared in high health and spirits. Mr. Woodensconce also came down in +the same conveyance. The distinguished gentleman was fast asleep on his +arrival, and I am informed by the guard that he had been so the whole +way. He was, no doubt, preparing for his approaching fatigues; but what +gigantic visions must those be that flit through the brain of such a man +when his body is in a state of torpidity! + +‘The influx of visitors increases every moment. I am told (I know not +how truly) that two post-chaises have arrived at the Original Pig within +the last half-hour, and I myself observed a wheelbarrow, containing three +carpet bags and a bundle, entering the yard of the Pig and Tinder-box no +longer ago than five minutes since. The people are still quietly +pursuing their ordinary occupations; but there is a wildness in their +eyes, and an unwonted rigidity in the muscles of their countenances, +which shows to the observant spectator that their expectations are +strained to the very utmost pitch. I fear, unless some very +extraordinary arrivals take place to-night, that consequences may arise +from this popular ferment, which every man of sense and feeling would +deplore.’ + + ‘_Twenty minutes past six_. + +‘I HAVE just heard that the boy who fell through the pastrycook’s window +last night has died of the fright. He was suddenly called upon to pay +three and sixpence for the damage done, and his constitution, it seems, +was not strong enough to bear up against the shock. The inquest, it is +said, will be held to-morrow.’ + + ‘_Three-quarters part seven_. + +‘PROFESSORS Muff and Nogo have just driven up to the hotel door; they at +once ordered dinner with great condescension. We are all very much +delighted with the urbanity of their manners, and the ease with which +they adapt themselves to the forms and ceremonies of ordinary life. +Immediately on their arrival they sent for the head waiter, and privately +requested him to purchase a live dog,—as cheap a one as he could meet +with,—and to send him up after dinner, with a pie-board, a knife and +fork, and a clean plate. It is conjectured that some experiments will be +tried upon the dog to-night; if any particulars should transpire, I will +forward them by express.’ + + ‘_Half-past eight_. + +‘THE animal has been procured. He is a pug-dog, of rather intelligent +appearance, in good condition, and with very short legs. He has been +tied to a curtain-peg in a dark room, and is howling dreadfully.’ + + ‘_Ten minutes to nine_. + +‘THE dog has just been rung for. With an instinct which would appear +almost the result of reason, the sagacious animal seized the waiter by +the calf of the leg when he approached to take him, and made a desperate, +though ineffectual resistance. I have not been able to procure admission +to the apartment occupied by the scientific gentlemen; but, judging from +the sounds which reached my ears when I stood upon the landing-place +outside the door, just now, I should be disposed to say that the dog had +retreated growling beneath some article of furniture, and was keeping the +professors at bay. This conjecture is confirmed by the testimony of the +ostler, who, after peeping through the keyhole, assures me that he +distinctly saw Professor Nogo on his knees, holding forth a small bottle +of prussic acid, to which the animal, who was crouched beneath an +arm-chair, obstinately declined to smell. You cannot imagine the +feverish state of irritation we are in, lest the interests of science +should be sacrificed to the prejudices of a brute creature, who is not +endowed with sufficient sense to foresee the incalculable benefits which +the whole human race may derive from so very slight a concession on his +part.’ + + ‘_Nine o’clock_. + +‘THE dog’s tail and ears have been sent down-stairs to be washed; from +which circumstance we infer that the animal is no more. His forelegs +have been delivered to the boots to be brushed, which strengthens the +supposition.’ + + ‘_Half after ten_. + +‘MY feelings are so overpowered by what has taken place in the course of +the last hour and a half, that I have scarcely strength to detail the +rapid succession of events which have quite bewildered all those who are +cognizant of their occurrence. It appears that the pug-dog mentioned in +my last was surreptitiously obtained,—stolen, in fact,—by some person +attached to the stable department, from an unmarried lady resident in +this town. Frantic on discovering the loss of her favourite, the lady +rushed distractedly into the street, calling in the most heart-rending +and pathetic manner upon the passengers to restore her, her Augustus,—for +so the deceased was named, in affectionate remembrance of a former lover +of his mistress, to whom he bore a striking personal resemblance, which +renders the circumstances additionally affecting. I am not yet in a +condition to inform you what circumstance induced the bereaved lady to +direct her steps to the hotel which had witnessed the last struggles of +her _protégé_. I can only state that she arrived there, at the very +instant when his detached members were passing through the passage on a +small tray. Her shrieks still reverberate in my ears! I grieve to say +that the expressive features of Professor Muff were much scratched and +lacerated by the injured lady; and that Professor Nogo, besides +sustaining several severe bites, has lost some handfuls of hair from the +same cause. It must be some consolation to these gentlemen to know that +their ardent attachment to scientific pursuits has alone occasioned these +unpleasant consequences; for which the sympathy of a grateful country +will sufficiently reward them. The unfortunate lady remains at the Pig +and Tinder-box, and up to this time is reported in a very precarious +state. + +‘I need scarcely tell you that this unlooked-for catastrophe has cast a +damp and gloom upon us in the midst of our exhilaration; natural in any +case, but greatly enhanced in this, by the amiable qualities of the +deceased animal, who appears to have been much and deservedly respected +by the whole of his acquaintance.’ + + ‘_Twelve o’clock_. + +‘I TAKE the last opportunity before sealing my parcel to inform you that +the boy who fell through the pastrycook’s window is not dead, as was +universally believed, but alive and well. The report appears to have had +its origin in his mysterious disappearance. He was found half an hour +since on the premises of a sweet-stuff maker, where a raffle had been +announced for a second-hand seal-skin cap and a tambourine; and where—a +sufficient number of members not having been obtained at first—he had +patiently waited until the list was completed. This fortunate discovery +has in some degree restored our gaiety and cheerfulness. It is proposed +to get up a subscription for him without delay. + +‘Everybody is nervously anxious to see what to-morrow will bring forth. +If any one should arrive in the course of the night, I have left strict +directions to be called immediately. I should have sat up, indeed, but +the agitating events of this day have been too much for me. + +‘No news yet of either of the Professors Snore, Doze, or Wheezy. It is +very strange!’ + + ‘_Wednesday afternoon_. + +‘ALL is now over; and, upon one point at least, I am at length enabled to +set the minds of your readers at rest. The three professors arrived at +ten minutes after two o’clock, and, instead of taking up their quarters +at the Original Pig, as it was universally understood in the course of +yesterday that they would assuredly have done, drove straight to the Pig +and Tinder-box, where they threw off the mask at once, and openly +announced their intention of remaining. Professor Wheezy may reconcile +this very extraordinary conduct with _his_ notions of fair and equitable +dealing, but I would recommend Professor Wheezy to be cautious how he +presumes too far upon his well-earned reputation. How such a man as +Professor Snore, or, which is still more extraordinary, such an +individual as Professor Doze, can quietly allow himself to be mixed up +with such proceedings as these, you will naturally inquire. Upon this +head, rumour is silent; I have my speculations, but forbear to give +utterance to them just now.’ + + ‘_Four o’clock_. + +‘THE town is filling fast; eighteenpence has been offered for a bed and +refused. Several gentlemen were under the necessity last night of +sleeping in the brick fields, and on the steps of doors, for which they +were taken before the magistrates in a body this morning, and committed +to prison as vagrants for various terms. One of these persons I +understand to be a highly-respectable tinker, of great practical skill, +who had forwarded a paper to the President of Section D. Mechanical +Science, on the construction of pipkins with copper bottoms and +safety-values, of which report speaks highly. The incarceration of this +gentleman is greatly to be regretted, as his absence will preclude any +discussion on the subject. + +‘The bills are being taken down in all directions, and lodgings are being +secured on almost any terms. I have heard of fifteen shillings a week +for two rooms, exclusive of coals and attendance, but I can scarcely +believe it. The excitement is dreadful. I was informed this morning +that the civil authorities, apprehensive of some outbreak of popular +feeling, had commanded a recruiting sergeant and two corporals to be +under arms; and that, with the view of not irritating the people +unnecessarily by their presence, they had been requested to take up their +position before daybreak in a turnpike, distant about a quarter of a mile +from the town. The vigour and promptness of these measures cannot be too +highly extolled. + +‘Intelligence has just been brought me, that an elderly female, in a +state of inebriety, has declared in the open street her intention to “do” +for Mr. Slug. Some statistical returns compiled by that gentleman, +relative to the consumption of raw spirituous liquors in this place, are +supposed to be the cause of the wretch’s animosity. It is added that +this declaration was loudly cheered by a crowd of persons who had +assembled on the spot; and that one man had the boldness to designate Mr. +Slug aloud by the opprobrious epithet of “Stick-in-the-mud!” It is +earnestly to be hoped that now, when the moment has arrived for their +interference, the magistrates will not shrink from the exercise of that +power which is vested in them by the constitution of our common country.’ + + ‘_Half-past ten_. + +‘THE disturbance, I am happy to inform you, has been completely quelled, +and the ringleader taken into custody. She had a pail of cold water +thrown over her, previous to being locked up, and expresses great +contrition and uneasiness. We are all in a fever of anticipation about +to-morrow; but, now that we are within a few hours of the meeting of the +association, and at last enjoy the proud consciousness of having its +illustrious members amongst us, I trust and hope everything may go off +peaceably. I shall send you a full report of to-morrow’s proceedings by +the night coach.’ + + ‘_Eleven o’clock_. + +‘I OPEN my letter to say that nothing whatever has occurred since I +folded it up.’ + + ‘_Thursday_. + +‘THE sun rose this morning at the usual hour. I did not observe anything +particular in the aspect of the glorious planet, except that he appeared +to me (it might have been a delusion of my heightened fancy) to shine +with more than common brilliancy, and to shed a refulgent lustre upon the +town, such as I had never observed before. This is the more +extraordinary, as the sky was perfectly cloudless, and the atmosphere +peculiarly fine. At half-past nine o’clock the general committee +assembled, with the last year’s president in the chair. The report of +the council was read; and one passage, which stated that the council had +corresponded with no less than three thousand five hundred and +seventy-one persons, (all of whom paid their own postage,) on no fewer +than seven thousand two hundred and forty-three topics, was received with +a degree of enthusiasm which no efforts could suppress. The various +committees and sections having been appointed, and the more formal +business transacted, the great proceedings of the meeting commenced at +eleven o’clock precisely. I had the happiness of occupying a most +eligible position at that time, in + + + +‘SECTION A.—ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. + + + GREAT ROOM, PIG AND TINDER-BOX. + + _President_—Professor Snore. _Vice-Presidents_—Professors Doze and + Wheezy. + +‘The scene at this moment was particularly striking. The sun streamed +through the windows of the apartments, and tinted the whole scene with +its brilliant rays, bringing out in strong relief the noble visages of +the professors and scientific gentlemen, who, some with bald heads, some +with red heads, some with brown heads, some with grey heads, some with +black heads, some with block heads, presented a _coup d’œil_ which no +eye-witness will readily forget. In front of these gentlemen were papers +and inkstands; and round the room, on elevated benches extending as far +as the forms could reach, were assembled a brilliant concourse of those +lovely and elegant women for which Mudfog is justly acknowledged to be +without a rival in the whole world. The contrast between their fair +faces and the dark coats and trousers of the scientific gentlemen I shall +never cease to remember while Memory holds her seat. + +‘Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, occasioned by the +falling down of the greater part of the platforms, to subside, the +president called on one of the secretaries to read a communication +entitled, “Some remarks on the industrious fleas, with considerations on +the importance of establishing infant-schools among that numerous class +of society; of directing their industry to useful and practical ends; and +of applying the surplus fruits thereof, towards providing for them a +comfortable and respectable maintenance in their old age.” + +‘The author stated, that, having long turned his attention to the moral +and social condition of these interesting animals, he had been induced to +visit an exhibition in Regent-street, London, commonly known by the +designation of “The Industrious Fleas.” He had there seen many fleas, +occupied certainly in various pursuits and avocations, but occupied, he +was bound to add, in a manner which no man of well-regulated mind could +fail to regard with sorrow and regret. One flea, reduced to the level of +a beast of burden, was drawing about a miniature gig, containing a +particularly small effigy of His Grace the Duke of Wellington; while +another was staggering beneath the weight of a golden model of his great +adversary Napoleon Bonaparte. Some, brought up as mountebanks and +ballet-dancers, were performing a figure-dance (he regretted to observe, +that, of the fleas so employed, several were females); others were in +training, in a small card-board box, for pedestrians,—mere sporting +characters—and two were actually engaged in the cold-blooded and +barbarous occupation of duelling; a pursuit from which humanity recoiled +with horror and disgust. He suggested that measures should be +immediately taken to employ the labour of these fleas as part and parcel +of the productive power of the country, which might easily be done by the +establishment among them of infant schools and houses of industry, in +which a system of virtuous education, based upon sound principles, should +be observed, and moral precepts strictly inculcated. He proposed that +every flea who presumed to exhibit, for hire, music, or dancing, or any +species of theatrical entertainment, without a licence, should be +considered a vagabond, and treated accordingly; in which respect he only +placed him upon a level with the rest of mankind. He would further +suggest that their labour should be placed under the control and +regulation of the state, who should set apart from the profits, a fund +for the support of superannuated or disabled fleas, their widows and +orphans. With this view, he proposed that liberal premiums should be +offered for the three best designs for a general almshouse; from which—as +insect architecture was well known to be in a very advanced and perfect +state—we might possibly derive many valuable hints for the improvement of +our metropolitan universities, national galleries, and other public +edifices. + +‘THE PRESIDENT wished to be informed how the ingenious gentleman proposed +to open a communication with fleas generally, in the first instance, so +that they might be thoroughly imbued with a sense of the advantages they +must necessarily derive from changing their mode of life, and applying +themselves to honest labour. This appeared to him, the only difficulty. + +‘THE AUTHOR submitted that this difficulty was easily overcome, or rather +that there was no difficulty at all in the case. Obviously the course to +be pursued, if Her Majesty’s government could be prevailed upon to take +up the plan, would be, to secure at a remunerative salary the individual +to whom he had alluded as presiding over the exhibition in Regent-street +at the period of his visit. That gentleman would at once be able to put +himself in communication with the mass of the fleas, and to instruct them +in pursuance of some general plan of education, to be sanctioned by +Parliament, until such time as the more intelligent among them were +advanced enough to officiate as teachers to the rest. + +‘The President and several members of the section highly complimented the +author of the paper last read, on his most ingenious and important +treatise. It was determined that the subject should be recommended to +the immediate consideration of the council. + +‘MR. WIGSBY produced a cauliflower somewhat larger than a +chaise-umbrella, which had been raised by no other artificial means than +the simple application of highly carbonated soda-water as manure. He +explained that by scooping out the head, which would afford a new and +delicious species of nourishment for the poor, a parachute, in principle +something similar to that constructed by M. Garnerin, was at once +obtained; the stalk of course being kept downwards. He added that he was +perfectly willing to make a descent from a height of not less than three +miles and a quarter; and had in fact already proposed the same to the +proprietors of Vauxhall Gardens, who in the handsomest manner at once +consented to his wishes, and appointed an early day next summer for the +undertaking; merely stipulating that the rim of the cauliflower should be +previously broken in three or four places to ensure the safety of the +descent. + +‘THE PRESIDENT congratulated the public on the _grand gala_ in store for +them, and warmly eulogised the proprietors of the establishment alluded +to, for their love of science, and regard for the safety of human life, +both of which did them the highest honour. + +‘A Member wished to know how many thousand additional lamps the royal +property would be illuminated with, on the night after the descent. + +‘MR. WIGSBY replied that the point was not yet finally decided; but he +believed it was proposed, over and above the ordinary illuminations, to +exhibit in various devices eight millions and a-half of additional lamps. + +‘The Member expressed himself much gratified with this announcement. + +‘MR. BLUNDERUM delighted the section with a most interesting and valuable +paper “on the last moments of the learned pig,” which produced a very +strong impression on the assembly, the account being compiled from the +personal recollections of his favourite attendant. The account stated in +the most emphatic terms that the animal’s name was not Toby, but Solomon; +and distinctly proved that he could have no near relatives in the +profession, as many designing persons had falsely stated, inasmuch as his +father, mother, brothers and sisters, had all fallen victims to the +butcher at different times. An uncle of his indeed, had with very great +labour been traced to a sty in Somers Town; but as he was in a very +infirm state at the time, being afflicted with measles, and shortly +afterwards disappeared, there appeared too much reason to conjecture that +he had been converted into sausages. The disorder of the learned pig was +originally a severe cold, which, being aggravated by excessive trough +indulgence, finally settled upon the lungs, and terminated in a general +decay of the constitution. A melancholy instance of a presentiment +entertained by the animal of his approaching dissolution, was recorded. +After gratifying a numerous and fashionable company with his +performances, in which no falling off whatever was visible, he fixed his +eyes on the biographer, and, turning to the watch which lay on the floor, +and on which he was accustomed to point out the hour, deliberately passed +his snout twice round the dial. In precisely four-and-twenty hours from +that time he had ceased to exist! + +‘PROFESSOR WHEEZY inquired whether, previous to his demise, the animal +had expressed, by signs or otherwise, any wishes regarding the disposal +of his little property. + +‘MR. BLUNDERUM replied, that, when the biographer took up the pack of +cards at the conclusion of the performance, the animal grunted several +times in a significant manner, and nodding his head as he was accustomed +to do, when gratified. From these gestures it was understood that he +wished the attendant to keep the cards, which he had ever since done. He +had not expressed any wish relative to his watch, which had accordingly +been pawned by the same individual. + +‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any Member of the section had ever +seen or conversed with the pig-faced lady, who was reported to have worn +a black velvet mask, and to have taken her meals from a golden trough. + +‘After some hesitation a Member replied that the pig-faced lady was his +mother-in-law, and that he trusted the President would not violate the +sanctity of private life. + +‘THE PRESIDENT begged pardon. He had considered the pig-faced lady a +public character. Would the honourable member object to state, with a +view to the advancement of science, whether she was in any way connected +with the learned pig? + +‘The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the question appeared +to involve a suspicion that the learned pig might be his half-brother, he +must decline answering it. + + + +‘SECTION B.—ANATOMY AND MEDICINE. + + + COACH-HOUSE, PIG AND TINDER-BOX. + + _President_—Dr. Toorell. _Vice-Presidents_—Professors Muff and Nogo. + +‘DR. KUTANKUMAGEN (of Moscow) read to the section a report of a case +which had occurred within his own practice, strikingly illustrative of +the power of medicine, as exemplified in his successful treatment of a +virulent disorder. He had been called in to visit the patient on the 1st +of April, 1837. He was then labouring under symptoms peculiarly alarming +to any medical man. His frame was stout and muscular, his step firm and +elastic, his cheeks plump and red, his voice loud, his appetite good, his +pulse full and round. He was in the constant habit of eating three meals +_per diem_, and of drinking at least one bottle of wine, and one glass of +spirituous liquors diluted with water, in the course of the +four-and-twenty hours. He laughed constantly, and in so hearty a manner +that it was terrible to hear him. By dint of powerful medicine, low +diet, and bleeding, the symptoms in the course of three days perceptibly +decreased. A rigid perseverance in the same course of treatment for only +one week, accompanied with small doses of water-gruel, weak broth, and +barley-water, led to their entire disappearance. In the course of a +month he was sufficiently recovered to be carried down-stairs by two +nurses, and to enjoy an airing in a close carriage, supported by soft +pillows. At the present moment he was restored so far as to walk about, +with the slight assistance of a crutch and a boy. It would perhaps be +gratifying to the section to learn that he ate little, drank little, +slept little, and was never heard to laugh by any accident whatever. + +‘DR. W. R. FEE, in complimenting the honourable member upon the +triumphant cure he had effected, begged to ask whether the patient still +bled freely? + +‘DR. KUTANKUMAGEN replied in the affirmative. + +‘DR. W. R. FEE.—And you found that he bled freely during the whole course +of the disorder? + +‘DR. KUTANKUMAGEN.—Oh dear, yes; most freely. + +‘DR. NEESHAWTS supposed, that if the patient had not submitted to be bled +with great readiness and perseverance, so extraordinary a cure could +never, in fact, have been accomplished. Dr. Kutankumagen rejoined, +certainly not. + +‘MR. KNIGHT BELL (M.R.C.S.) exhibited a wax preparation of the interior +of a gentleman who in early life had inadvertently swallowed a door-key. +It was a curious fact that a medical student of dissipated habits, being +present at the _post mortem_ examination, found means to escape +unobserved from the room, with that portion of the coats of the stomach +upon which an exact model of the instrument was distinctly impressed, +with which he hastened to a locksmith of doubtful character, who made a +new key from the pattern so shown to him. With this key the medical +student entered the house of the deceased gentleman, and committed a +burglary to a large amount, for which he was subsequently tried and +executed. + +‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know what became of the original key after the +lapse of years. Mr. Knight Bell replied that the gentleman was always +much accustomed to punch, and it was supposed the acid had gradually +devoured it. + +‘DR. NEESHAWTS and several of the members were of opinion that the key +must have lain very cold and heavy upon the gentleman’s stomach. + +‘MR. KNIGHT BELL believed it did at first. It was worthy of remark, +perhaps, that for some years the gentleman was troubled with a +night-mare, under the influence of which he always imagined himself a +wine-cellar door. + +‘PROFESSOR MUFF related a very extraordinary and convincing proof of the +wonderful efficacy of the system of infinitesimal doses, which the +section were doubtless aware was based upon the theory that the very +minutest amount of any given drug, properly dispersed through the human +frame, would be productive of precisely the same result as a very large +dose administered in the usual manner. Thus, the fortieth part of a +grain of calomel was supposed to be equal to a five-grain calomel pill, +and so on in proportion throughout the whole range of medicine. He had +tried the experiment in a curious manner upon a publican who had been +brought into the hospital with a broken head, and was cured upon the +infinitesimal system in the incredibly short space of three months. This +man was a hard drinker. He (Professor Muff) had dispersed three drops of +rum through a bucket of water, and requested the man to drink the whole. +What was the result? Before he had drunk a quart, he was in a state of +beastly intoxication; and five other men were made dead drunk with the +remainder. + +‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether an infinitesimal dose of soda-water +would have recovered them? Professor Muff replied that the twenty-fifth +part of a teaspoonful, properly administered to each patient, would have +sobered him immediately. The President remarked that this was a most +important discovery, and he hoped the Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen +would patronize it immediately. + +‘A Member begged to be informed whether it would be possible to +administer—say, the twentieth part of a grain of bread and cheese to all +grown-up paupers, and the fortieth part to children, with the same +satisfying effect as their present allowance. + +‘PROFESSOR MUFF was willing to stake his professional reputation on the +perfect adequacy of such a quantity of food to the support of human +life—in workhouses; the addition of the fifteenth part of a grain of +pudding twice a week would render it a high diet. + +‘PROFESSOR NOGO called the attention of the section to a very +extraordinary case of animal magnetism. A private watchman, being merely +looked at by the operator from the opposite side of a wide street, was at +once observed to be in a very drowsy and languid state. He was followed +to his box, and being once slightly rubbed on the palms of the hands, +fell into a sound sleep, in which he continued without intermission for +ten hours. + + + +‘SECTION C.—STATISTICS. + + + HAY-LOFT, ORIGINAL PIG. + + _President_—Mr. Woodensconce. _Vice-Presidents_—Mr. Ledbrain and Mr. + Timbered. + +‘MR. SLUG stated to the section the result of some calculations he had +made with great difficulty and labour, regarding the state of infant +education among the middle classes of London. He found that, within a +circle of three miles from the Elephant and Castle, the following were +the names and numbers of children’s books principally in circulation:— + +‘Jack the Giant-killer 7,943 +Ditto and Bean-stalk 8,621 +Ditto and Eleven Brothers 2,845 +Ditto and Jill 1,998 + Total 21,407 + +‘He found that the proportion of Robinson Crusoes to Philip Quarlls was +as four and a half to one; and that the preponderance of Valentine and +Orsons over Goody Two Shoeses was as three and an eighth of the former to +half a one of the latter; a comparison of Seven Champions with Simple +Simons gave the same result. The ignorance that prevailed, was +lamentable. One child, on being asked whether he would rather be Saint +George of England or a respectable tallow-chandler, instantly replied, +“Taint George of Ingling.” Another, a little boy of eight years old, was +found to be firmly impressed with a belief in the existence of dragons, +and openly stated that it was his intention when he grew up, to rush +forth sword in hand for the deliverance of captive princesses, and the +promiscuous slaughter of giants. Not one child among the number +interrogated had ever heard of Mungo Park,—some inquiring whether he was +at all connected with the black man that swept the crossing; and others +whether he was in any way related to the Regent’s Park. They had not the +slightest conception of the commonest principles of mathematics, and +considered Sindbad the Sailor the most enterprising voyager that the +world had ever produced. + +‘A Member strongly deprecating the use of all the other books mentioned, +suggested that Jack and Jill might perhaps be exempted from the general +censure, inasmuch as the hero and heroine, in the very outset of the +tale, were depicted as going _up_ a hill to fetch a pail of water, which +was a laborious and useful occupation,—supposing the family linen was +being washed, for instance. + +‘MR. SLUG feared that the moral effect of this passage was more than +counterbalanced by another in a subsequent part of the poem, in which +very gross allusion was made to the mode in which the heroine was +personally chastised by her mother + + “‘For laughing at Jack’s disaster;” + +besides, the whole work had this one great fault, _it was not true_. + +‘THE PRESIDENT complimented the honourable member on the excellent +distinction he had drawn. Several other Members, too, dwelt upon the +immense and urgent necessity of storing the minds of children with +nothing but facts and figures; which process the President very forcibly +remarked, had made them (the section) the men they were. + +‘MR. SLUG then stated some curious calculations respecting the dogs’-meat +barrows of London. He found that the total number of small carts and +barrows engaged in dispensing provision to the cats and dogs of the +metropolis was, one thousand seven hundred and forty-three. The average +number of skewers delivered daily with the provender, by each dogs’-meat +cart or barrow, was thirty-six. Now, multiplying the number of skewers +so delivered by the number of barrows, a total of sixty-two thousand +seven hundred and forty-eight skewers daily would be obtained. Allowing +that, of these sixty-two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers, +the odd two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight were accidentally +devoured with the meat, by the most voracious of the animals supplied, it +followed that sixty thousand skewers per day, or the enormous number of +twenty-one millions nine hundred thousand skewers annually, were wasted +in the kennels and dustholes of London; which, if collected and +warehoused, would in ten years’ time afford a mass of timber more than +sufficient for the construction of a first-rate vessel of war for the use +of her Majesty’s navy, to be called “The Royal Skewer,” and to become +under that name the terror of all the enemies of this island. + +‘MR. X. LEDBRAIN read a very ingenious communication, from which it +appeared that the total number of legs belonging to the manufacturing +population of one great town in Yorkshire was, in round numbers, forty +thousand, while the total number of chair and stool legs in their houses +was only thirty thousand, which, upon the very favourable average of +three legs to a seat, yielded only ten thousand seats in all. From this +calculation it would appear,—not taking wooden or cork legs into the +account, but allowing two legs to every person,—that ten thousand +individuals (one-half of the whole population) were either destitute of +any rest for their legs at all, or passed the whole of their leisure time +in sitting upon boxes. + + + +‘SECTION D.—MECHANICAL SCIENCE. + + + COACH-HOUSE, ORIGINAL PIG. + + _President_—Mr. Carter. _Vice-Presidents_—Mr. Truck and Mr. Waghorn. + +‘PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK exhibited an elegant model of a portable railway, +neatly mounted in a green case, for the waistcoat pocket. By attaching +this beautiful instrument to his boots, any Bank or public-office clerk +could transport himself from his place of residence to his place of +business, at the easy rate of sixty-five miles an hour, which, to +gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would be an incalculable advantage. + +‘THE PRESIDENT was desirous of knowing whether it was necessary to have a +level surface on which the gentleman was to run. + +‘PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK explained that City gentlemen would run in trains, +being handcuffed together to prevent confusion or unpleasantness. For +instance, trains would start every morning at eight, nine, and ten +o’clock, from Camden Town, Islington, Camberwell, Hackney, and various +other places in which City gentlemen are accustomed to reside. It would +be necessary to have a level, but he had provided for this difficulty by +proposing that the best line that the circumstances would admit of, +should be taken through the sewers which undermine the streets of the +metropolis, and which, well lighted by jets from the gas pipes which run +immediately above them, would form a pleasant and commodious arcade, +especially in winter-time, when the inconvenient custom of carrying +umbrellas, now so general, could be wholly dispensed with. In reply to +another question, Professor Queerspeck stated that no substitute for the +purposes to which these arcades were at present devoted had yet occurred +to him, but that he hoped no fanciful objection on this head would be +allowed to interfere with so great an undertaking. + +‘MR. JOBBA produced a forcing-machine on a novel plan, for bringing +joint-stock railway shares prematurely to a premium. The instrument was +in the form of an elegant gilt weather-glass, of most dazzling +appearance, and was worked behind, by strings, after the manner of a +pantomime trick, the strings being always pulled by the directors of the +company to which the machine belonged. The quicksilver was so +ingeniously placed, that when the acting directors held shares in their +pockets, figures denoting very small expenses and very large returns +appeared upon the glass; but the moment the directors parted with these +pieces of paper, the estimate of needful expenditure suddenly increased +itself to an immense extent, while the statements of certain profits +became reduced in the same proportion. Mr. Jobba stated that the machine +had been in constant requisition for some months past, and he had never +once known it to fail. + +‘A Member expressed his opinion that it was extremely neat and pretty. +He wished to know whether it was not liable to accidental derangement? +Mr. Jobba said that the whole machine was undoubtedly liable to be blown +up, but that was the only objection to it. + +‘PROFESSOR NOGO arrived from the anatomical section to exhibit a model of +a safety fire-escape, which could be fixed at any time, in less than half +an hour, and by means of which, the youngest or most infirm persons +(successfully resisting the progress of the flames until it was quite +ready) could be preserved if they merely balanced themselves for a few +minutes on the sill of their bedroom window, and got into the escape +without falling into the street. The Professor stated that the number of +boys who had been rescued in the daytime by this machine from houses +which were not on fire, was almost incredible. Not a conflagration had +occurred in the whole of London for many months past to which the escape +had not been carried on the very next day, and put in action before a +concourse of persons. + +‘THE PRESIDENT inquired whether there was not some difficulty in +ascertaining which was the top of the machine, and which the bottom, in +cases of pressing emergency. + +‘PROFESSOR NOGO explained that of course it could not be expected to act +quite as well when there was a fire, as when there was not a fire; but in +the former case he thought it would be of equal service whether the top +were up or down.’ + + * * * * * + +With the last section our correspondent concludes his most able and +faithful Report, which will never cease to reflect credit upon him for +his scientific attainments, and upon us for our enterprising spirit. It +is needless to take a review of the subjects which have been discussed; +of the mode in which they have been examined; of the great truths which +they have elicited. They are now before the world, and we leave them to +read, to consider, and to profit. + +The place of meeting for next year has undergone discussion, and has at +length been decided, regard being had to, and evidence being taken upon, +the goodness of its wines, the supply of its markets, the hospitality of +its inhabitants, and the quality of its hotels. We hope at this next +meeting our correspondent may again be present, and that we may be once +more the means of placing his communications before the world. Until +that period we have been prevailed upon to allow this number of our +Miscellany to be retailed to the public, or wholesaled to the trade, +without any advance upon our usual price. + +We have only to add, that the committees are now broken up, and that +Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed tranquillity,—that +Professors and Members have had balls, and _soirées_, and suppers, and +great mutual complimentations, and have at length dispersed to their +several homes,—whither all good wishes and joys attend them, until next +year! + + Signed BOZ. + + + +FULL REPORT OF THE +SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG +ASSOCIATION +FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING + + +IN October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of recording, at an +enormous expense, and by dint of exertions unnpralleled in the history of +periodical publication, the proceedings of the Mudfog Association for the +Advancement of Everything, which in that month held its first great +half-yearly meeting, to the wonder and delight of the whole empire. We +announced at the conclusion of that extraordinary and most remarkable +Report, that when the Second Meeting of the Society should take place, we +should be found again at our post, renewing our gigantic and spirited +endeavours, and once more making the world ring with the accuracy, +authenticity, immeasurable superiority, and intense remarkability of our +account of its proceedings. In redemption of this pledge, we caused to +be despatched per steam to Oldcastle (at which place this second meeting +of the Society was held on the 20th instant), the same +superhumanly-endowed gentleman who furnished the former report, and +who,—gifted by nature with transcendent abilities, and furnished by us +with a body of assistants scarcely inferior to himself,—has forwarded a +series of letters, which, for faithfulness of description, power of +language, fervour of thought, happiness of expression, and importance of +subject-matter, have no equal in the epistolary literature of any age or +country. We give this gentleman’s correspondence entire, and in the +order in which it reached our office. + + ‘_Saloon of Steamer_, _Thursday night_, _half-past eight_. + +‘WHEN I left New Burlington Street this evening in the hackney cabriolet, +number four thousand two hundred and eighty-five, I experienced +sensations as novel as they were oppressive. A sense of the importance +of the task I had undertaken, a consciousness that I was leaving London, +and, stranger still, going somewhere else, a feeling of loneliness and a +sensation of jolting, quite bewildered my thoughts, and for a time +rendered me even insensible to the presence of my carpet-bag and hat-box. +I shall ever feel grateful to the driver of a Blackwall omnibus who, by +thrusting the pole of his vehicle through the small door of the +cabriolet, awakened me from a tumult of imaginings that are wholly +indescribable. But of such materials is our imperfect nature composed! + +‘I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, and shall thus +be enabled to give you an account of all that happens in the order of its +occurrence. The chimney is smoking a good deal, and so are the crew; and +the captain, I am informed, is very drunk in a little house upon deck, +something like a black turnpike. I should infer from all I hear that he +has got the steam up. + +‘You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made the discovery +that my berth is in the same closet with those engaged by Professor +Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor Grime. Professor Woodensconce has +taken the shelf above me, and Mr. Slug and Professor Grime the two +shelves opposite. Their luggage has already arrived. On Mr. Slug’s bed +is a long tin tube of about three inches in diameter, carefully closed at +both ends. What can this contain? Some powerful instrument of a new +construction, doubtless.’ + + ‘_Ten minutes past nine_. + +‘NOBODY has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh come in my way except +several joints of beef and mutton, from which I conclude that a good +plain dinner has been provided for to-morrow. There is a singular smell +below, which gave me some uneasiness at first; but as the steward says it +is always there, and never goes away, I am quite comfortable again. I +learn from this man that the different sections will be distributed at +the Black Boy and Stomach-ache, and the Boot-jack and Countenance. If +this intelligence be true (and I have no reason to doubt it), your +readers will draw such conclusions as their different opinions may +suggest. + +‘I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as the facts come to +my knowledge, in order that my first impressions may lose nothing of +their original vividness. I shall despatch them in small packets as +opportunities arise.’ + + ‘_Half past nine_. + +‘SOME dark object has just appeared upon the wharf. I think it is a +travelling carriage.’ + + ‘_A quarter to ten_. + +‘NO, it isn’t.’ + + ‘_Half-past ten_. + +‘THE passengers are pouring in every instant. Four omnibuses full have +just arrived upon the wharf, and all is bustle and activity. The noise +and confusion are very great. Cloths are laid in the cabins, and the +steward is placing blue plates—full of knobs of cheese at equal distances +down the centre of the tables. He drops a great many knobs; but, being +used to it, picks them up again with great dexterity, and, after wiping +them on his sleeve, throws them back into the plates. He is a young man +of exceedingly prepossessing appearance—either dirty or a mulatto, but I +think the former. + +‘An interesting old gentleman, who came to the wharf in an omnibus, has +just quarrelled violently with the porters, and is staggering towards the +vessel with a large trunk in his arms. I trust and hope that he may +reach it in safety; but the board he has to cross is narrow and slippery. +Was that a splash? Gracious powers! + +‘I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is standing upon the +extreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentleman is nowhere to be seen. +The watchman is not sure whether he went down or not, but promises to +drag for him the first thing to-morrow morning. May his humane efforts +prove successful! + +‘Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his nightcap on under his +hat. He has ordered a glass of cold brandy and water, with a hard +biscuit and a basin, and has gone straight to bed. What can this mean? + +‘The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have already alluded have +come on board, and have all tried their beds, with the exception of +Professor Woodensconce, who sleeps in one of the top ones, and can’t get +into it. Mr. Slug, who sleeps in the other top one, is unable to get out +of his, and is to have his supper handed up by a boy. I have had the +honour to introduce myself to these gentlemen, and we have amicably +arranged the order in which we shall retire to rest; which it is +necessary to agree upon, because, although the cabin is very comfortable, +there is not room for more than one gentleman to be out of bed at a time, +and even he must take his boots off in the passage. + +‘As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for the passengers’ +supper, and are now in course of consumption. Your readers will be +surprised to hear that Professor Woodensconce has abstained from cheese +for eight years, although he takes butter in considerable quantities. +Professor Grime having lost several teeth, is unable, I observe, to eat +his crusts without previously soaking them in his bottled porter. How +interesting are these peculiarities!’ + + ‘_Half-past eleven_. + +‘PROFESSORS Woodensconce and Grime, with a degree of good humour that +delights us all, have just arranged to toss for a bottle of mulled port. +There has been some discussion whether the payment should be decided by +the first toss or the best out of three. Eventually the latter course +has been determined on. Deeply do I wish that both gentlemen could win; +but that being impossible, I own that my personal aspirations (I speak as +an individual, and do not compromise either you or your readers by this +expression of feeling) are with Professor Woodensconce. I have backed +that gentleman to the amount of eighteenpence.’ + + ‘_Twenty minutes to twelve_. + +‘PROFESSOR Grime has inadvertently tossed his half-crown out of one of +the cabin-windows, and it has been arranged that the steward shall toss +for him. Bets are offered on any side to any amount, but there are no +takers. + +‘Professor Woodensconce has just called “woman;” but the coin having +lodged in a beam, is a long time coming down again. The interest and +suspense of this one moment are beyond anything that can be imagined.’ + + ‘_Twelve o’clock_. + +‘THE mulled port is smoking on the table before me, and Professor Grime +has won. Tossing is a game of chance; but on every ground, whether of +public or private character, intellectual endowments, or scientific +attainments, I cannot help expressing my opinion that Professor +Woodensconce _ought_ to have come off victorious. There is an exultation +about Professor Grime incompatible, I fear, with true greatness.’ + + ‘_A quarter past twelve_. + +‘PROFESSOR Grime continues to exult, and to boast of his victory in no +very measured terms, observing that he always does win, and that he knew +it would be a “head” beforehand, with many other remarks of a similar +nature. Surely this gentleman is not so lost to every feeling of decency +and propriety as not to feel and know the superiority of Professor +Woodensconce? Is Professor Grime insane? or does he wish to be reminded +in plain language of his true position in society, and the precise level +of his acquirements and abilities? Professor Grime will do well to look +to this.’ + + ‘_One o’clock_. + +‘I AM writing in bed. The small cabin is illuminated by the feeble light +of a flickering lamp suspended from the ceiling; Professor Grime is lying +on the opposite shelf on the broad of his back, with his mouth wide open. +The scene is indescribably solemn. The rippling of the tide, the noise +of the sailors’ feet overhead, the gruff voices on the river, the dogs on +the shore, the snoring of the passengers, and a constant creaking of +every plank in the vessel, are the only sounds that meet the ear. With +these exceptions, all is profound silence. + +‘My curiosity has been within the last moment very much excited. Mr. +Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has cautiously withdrawn the +curtains of his berth, and, after looking anxiously out, as if to satisfy +himself that his companions are asleep, has taken up the tin tube of +which I have before spoken, and is regarding it with great interest. +What rare mechanical combination can be contained in that mysterious +case? It is evidently a profound secret to all.’ + + ‘_A quarter past one_. + +‘THE behaviour of Mr. Slug grows more and more mysterious. He has +unscrewed the top of the tube, and now renews his observations upon his +companions, evidently to make sure that he is wholly unobserved. He is +clearly on the eve of some great experiment. Pray heaven that it be not +a dangerous one; but the interests of science must be promoted, and I am +prepared for the worst.’ + + ‘_Five minutes later_. + +‘HE has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll of some +substance, not unlike parchment in appearance, from the tin case. The +experiment is about to begin. I must strain my eyes to the utmost, in +the attempt to follow its minutest operation.’ + + ‘_Twenty minutes before two_. + +‘I HAVE at length been enabled to ascertain that the tin tube contains a +few yards of some celebrated plaster, recommended—as I discover on +regarding the label attentively through my eye-glass—as a preservative +against sea-sickness. Mr. Slug has cut it up into small portions, and is +now sticking it over himself in every direction.’ + + ‘_Three o’clock_. + +‘PRECISELY a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor, and the machinery +was suddenly put in motion with a noise so appalling, that Professor +Woodensconce (who had ascended to his berth by means of a platform of +carpet-bags arranged by himself on geometrical principals) darted from +his shelf head foremost, and, gaining his feet with all the rapidity of +extreme terror, ran wildly into the ladies’ cabin, under the impression +that we were sinking, and uttering loud cries for aid. I am assured that +the scene which ensued baffles all description. There were one hundred +and forty-seven ladies in their respective berths at the time. + +‘Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the extreme +ingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes of navigation, that +in whatever part of the vessel a passenger’s berth may be situated, the +machinery always appears to be exactly under his pillow. He intends +stating this very beautiful, though simple discovery, to the +association.’ + + ‘_Half-past ten_. + +‘WE are still in smooth water; that is to say, in as smooth water as a +steam-vessel ever can be, for, as Professor Woodensconce (who has just +woke up) learnedly remarks, another great point of ingenuity about a +steamer is, that it always carries a little storm with it. You can +scarcely conceive how exciting the jerking pulsation of the ship becomes. +It is a matter of positive difficulty to get to sleep.’ + + ‘_Friday afternoon_, _six o’clock_. + +‘I REGRET to inform you that Mr. Slug’s plaster has proved of no avail. +He is in great agony, but has applied several large, additional pieces +notwithstanding. How affecting is this extreme devotion to science and +pursuit of knowledge under the most trying circumstances! + +‘We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast was one of the +most animated description. Nothing unpleasant occurred until noon, with +the exception of Doctor Foxey’s brown silk umbrella and white hat +becoming entangled in the machinery while he was explaining to a knot of +ladies the construction of the steam-engine. I fear the gravy soup for +lunch was injudicious. We lost a great many passengers almost +immediately afterwards.’ + + ‘_Half-past six_. + +‘I AM again in bed. Anything so heart-rending as Mr. Slug’s sufferings +it has never yet been my lot to witness.’ + + ‘_Seven o’clock_. + +‘A MESSENGER has just come down for a clean pocket-handkerchief from +Professor Woodensconce’s bag, that unfortunate gentleman being quite +unable to leave the deck, and imploring constantly to be thrown +overboard. From this man I understand that Professor Nogo, though in a +state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the hard biscuit and cold +brandy and water, under the impression that they will yet restore him. +Such is the triumph of mind over matter. + +‘Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite well; but he _will_ +eat, and it is disagreeable to see him. Has this gentleman no sympathy +with the sufferings of his fellow-creatures? If he has, on what +principle can he call for mutton-chops—and smile?’ + + ‘_Black Boy and Stomach-ache_, + _Oldcastle_, _Saturday noon_. + +‘YOU will be happy to learn that I have at length arrived here in safety. +The town is excessively crowded, and all the private lodgings and hotels +are filled with _savans_ of both sexes. The tremendous assemblage of +intellect that one encounters in every street is in the last degree +overwhelming. + +‘Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been fortunate enough +to meet with very comfortable accommodation on very reasonable terms, +having secured a sofa in the first-floor passage at one guinea per night, +which includes permission to take my meals in the bar, on condition that +I walk about the streets at all other times, to make room for other +gentlemen similarly situated. I have been over the outhouses intended to +be devoted to the reception of the various sections, both here and at the +Boot-jack and Countenance, and am much delighted with the arrangements. +Nothing can exceed the fresh appearance of the saw-dust with which the +floors are sprinkled. The forms are of unplaned deal, and the general +effect, as you can well imagine, is extremely beautiful.’ + + ‘_Half-past nine_. + +‘THE number and rapidity of the arrivals are quite bewildering. Within +the last ten minutes a stage-coach has driven up to the door, filled +inside and out with distinguished characters, comprising Mr. +Muddlebranes, Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X. Misty, Mr. X. X. Misty, +Mr. Purblind, Professor Rummun, The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long +Eers, Professor John Ketch, Sir William Joltered, Doctor Buffer, Mr. +Smith (of London), Mr. Brown (of Edinburgh), Sir Hookham Snivey, and +Professor Pumpkinskull. The ten last-named gentlemen were wet through, +and looked extremely intelligent.’ + + ‘_Sunday_, _two o’clock_, _p.m._ + +‘THE Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, accompanied by Sir William +Joltered, walked and drove this morning. They accomplished the former +feat in boots, and the latter in a hired fly. This has naturally given +rise to much discussion. + +‘I have just learnt that an interview has taken place at the Boot-jack +and Countenance between Sowster, the active and intelligent beadle of +this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, who, as your readers are +doubtless aware, is an influential member of the council. I forbear to +communicate any of the rumours to which this very extraordinary +proceeding has given rise until I have seen Sowster, and endeavoured to +ascertain the truth from him.’ + + ‘_Half-past six_. + +‘I ENGAGED a donkey-chaise shortly after writing the above, and proceeded +at a brisk trot in the direction of Sowster’s residence, passing through +a beautiful expanse of country, with red brick buildings on either side, +and stopping in the marketplace to observe the spot where Mr. Kwakley’s +hat was blown off yesterday. It is an uneven piece of paving, but has +certainly no appearance which would lead one to suppose that any such +event had recently occurred there. From this point I proceeded—passing +the gas-works and tallow-melter’s—to a lane which had been pointed out to +me as the beadle’s place of residence; and before I had driven a dozen +yards further, I had the good fortune to meet Sowster himself advancing +towards me. + +‘Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development of that peculiar +conformation of countenance which is vulgarly termed a double chin than I +remember to have ever seen before. He has also a very red nose, which he +attributes to a habit of early rising—so red, indeed, that but for this +explanation I should have supposed it to proceed from occasional +inebriety. He informed me that he did not feel himself at liberty to +relate what had passed between himself and Professor Pumpkinskull, but +had no objection to state that it was connected with a matter of police +regulation, and added with peculiar significance “Never wos sitch times!” + +‘You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me considerable +surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that I lost no time in +waiting on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating the object of my visit. +After a few moments’ reflection, the Professor, who, I am bound to say, +behaved with the utmost politeness, openly avowed (I mark the passage in +italics) _that he had requested Sowster to attend on the Monday morning +at the Boot-jack and Countenance_, _to keep off the boys_; _and that he +had further desired that the under-beadle might be stationed_, _with the +same object_, _at the Black Boy and Stomach-ache_! + +‘Now I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your comments and the +consideration of your readers. I have yet to learn that a beadle, +without the precincts of a church, churchyard, or work-house, and acting +otherwise than under the express orders of churchwardens and overseers in +council assembled, to enforce the law against people who come upon the +parish, and other offenders, has any lawful authority whatever over the +rising youth of this country. I have yet to learn that a beadle can be +called out by any civilian to exercise a domination and despotism over +the boys of Britain. I have yet to learn that a beadle will be permitted +by the commissioners of poor law regulation to wear out the soles and +heels of his boots in illegal interference with the liberties of people +not proved poor or otherwise criminal. I have yet to learn that a beadle +has power to stop up the Queen’s highway at his will and pleasure, or +that the whole width of the street is not free and open to any man, boy, +or woman in existence, up to the very walls of the houses—ay, be they +Black Boys and Stomach-aches, or Boot-jacks and Countenances, I care +not.’ + + ‘_Nine o’clock_. + +‘I have procured a local artist to make a faithful sketch of the tyrant +Sowster, which, as he has acquired this infamous celebrity, you will no +doubt wish to have engraved for the purpose of presenting a copy with +every copy of your next number. I enclose it. + + [Picture: The Tyrant Sowster] + +The under-beadle has consented to write his life, but it is to be +strictly anonymous. + +‘The accompanying likeness is of course from the life, and complete in +every respect. Even if I had been totally ignorant of the man’s real +character, and it had been placed before me without remark, I should have +shuddered involuntarily. There is an intense malignity of expression in +the features, and a baleful ferocity of purpose in the ruffian’s eye, +which appals and sickens. His whole air is rampant with cruelty, nor is +the stomach less characteristic of his demoniac propensities.’ + + ‘_Monday_. + +‘THE great day has at length arrived. I have neither eyes, nor ears, nor +pens, nor ink, nor paper, for anything but the wonderful proceedings that +have astounded my senses. Let me collect my energies and proceed to the +account. + + + +‘SECTION A.—ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. + + + FRONT PARLOUR, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. + +_President_—Sir William Joltered. _Vice-Presidents_—Mr. Muddlebranes and + Mr. Drawley. + +‘MR. X. X. MISTY communicated some remarks on the disappearance of +dancing-bears from the streets of London, with observations on the +exhibition of monkeys as connected with barrel-organs. The writer had +observed, with feelings of the utmost pain and regret, that some years +ago a sudden and unaccountable change in the public taste took place with +reference to itinerant bears, who, being discountenanced by the populace, +gradually fell off one by one from the streets of the metropolis, until +not one remained to create a taste for natural history in the breasts of +the poor and uninstructed. One bear, indeed,—a brown and ragged +animal,—had lingered about the haunts of his former triumphs, with a worn +and dejected visage and feeble limbs, and had essayed to wield his +quarter-staff for the amusement of the multitude; but hunger, and an +utter want of any due recompense for his abilities, had at length driven +him from the field, and it was only too probable that he had fallen a +sacrifice to the rising taste for grease. He regretted to add that a +similar, and no less lamentable, change had taken place with reference to +monkeys. These delightful animals had formerly been almost as plentiful +as the organs on the tops of which they were accustomed to sit; the +proportion in the year 1829 (it appeared by the parliamentary return) +being as one monkey to three organs. Owing, however, to an altered taste +in musical instruments, and the substitution, in a great measure, of +narrow boxes of music for organs, which left the monkeys nothing to sit +upon, this source of public amusement was wholly dried up. Considering +it a matter of the deepest importance, in connection with national +education, that the people should not lose such opportunities of making +themselves acquainted with the manners and customs of two most +interesting species of animals, the author submitted that some measures +should be immediately taken for the restoration of these pleasing and +truly intellectual amusements. + +‘THE PRESIDENT inquired by what means the honourable member proposed to +attain this most desirable end? + +‘THE AUTHOR submitted that it could be most fully and satisfactorily +accomplished, if Her Majesty’s Government would cause to be brought over +to England, and maintained at the public expense, and for the public +amusement, such a number of bears as would enable every quarter of the +town to be visited—say at least by three bears a week. No difficulty +whatever need be experienced in providing a fitting place for the +reception of these animals, as a commodious bear-garden could be erected +in the immediate neighbourhood of both Houses of Parliament; obviously +the most proper and eligible spot for such an establishment. + +‘PROFESSOR MULL doubted very much whether any correct ideas of natural +history were propagated by the means to which the honourable member had +so ably adverted. On the contrary, he believed that they had been the +means of diffusing very incorrect and imperfect notions on the subject. +He spoke from personal observation and personal experience, when he said +that many children of great abilities had been induced to believe, from +what they had observed in the streets, at and before the period to which +the honourable gentleman had referred, that all monkeys were born in red +coats and spangles, and that their hats and feathers also came by nature. +He wished to know distinctly whether the honourable gentleman attributed +the want of encouragement the bears had met with to the decline of public +taste in that respect, or to a want of ability on the part of the bears +themselves? + +‘MR. X. X. MISTY replied, that he could not bring himself to believe but +that there must be a great deal of floating talent among the bears and +monkeys generally; which, in the absence of any proper encouragement, was +dispersed in other directions. + +‘PROFESSOR PUMPKINSKULL wished to take that opportunity of calling the +attention of the section to a most important and serious point. The +author of the treatise just read had alluded to the prevalent taste for +bears’-grease as a means of promoting the growth of hair, which +undoubtedly was diffused to a very great and (as it appeared to him) very +alarming extent. No gentleman attending that section could fail to be +aware of the fact that the youth of the present age evinced, by their +behaviour in the streets, and at all places of public resort, a +considerable lack of that gallantry and gentlemanly feeling which, in +more ignorant times, had been thought becoming. He wished to know +whether it were possible that a constant outward application of +bears’-grease by the young gentlemen about town had imperceptibly infused +into those unhappy persons something of the nature and quality of the +bear. He shuddered as he threw out the remark; but if this theory, on +inquiry, should prove to be well founded, it would at once explain a +great deal of unpleasant eccentricity of behaviour, which, without some +such discovery, was wholly unaccountable. + +‘THE PRESIDENT highly complimented the learned gentleman on his most +valuable suggestion, which produced the greatest effect upon the +assembly; and remarked that only a week previous he had seen some young +gentlemen at a theatre eyeing a box of ladies with a fierce intensity, +which nothing but the influence of some brutish appetite could possibly +explain. It was dreadful to reflect that our youth were so rapidly +verging into a generation of bears. + +‘After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved that this +important question should be immediately submitted to the consideration +of the council. + +‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any gentleman could inform the +section what had become of the dancing-dogs? + +‘A MEMBER replied, after some hesitation, that on the day after three +glee-singers had been committed to prison as criminals by a late most +zealous police-magistrate of the metropolis, the dogs had abandoned their +professional duties, and dispersed themselves in different quarters of +the town to gain a livelihood by less dangerous means. He was given to +understand that since that period they had supported themselves by lying +in wait for and robbing blind men’s poodles. + +‘MR. FLUMMERY exhibited a twig, claiming to be a veritable branch of that +noble tree known to naturalists as the SHAKSPEARE, which has taken root +in every land and climate, and gathered under the shade of its broad +green boughs the great family of mankind. The learned gentleman remarked +that the twig had been undoubtedly called by other names in its time; but +that it had been pointed out to him by an old lady in Warwickshire, where +the great tree had grown, as a shoot of the genuine SHAKSPEARE, by which +name he begged to introduce it to his countrymen. + +‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know what botanical definition the honourable +gentleman could afford of the curiosity. + +‘MR. FLUMMERY expressed his opinion that it was A DECIDED PLANT. + + + +‘SECTION B.—DISPLAY OF MODELS AND MECHANICAL SCIENCE. + + + LARGE ROOM, BOOT-JACK AND COUNTENANCE. + + _President_—Mr. Mallett. _Vice-Presidents_—Messrs. Leaver and Scroo. + +‘MR. CRINKLES exhibited a most beautiful and delicate machine, of little +larger size than an ordinary snuff-box, manufactured entirely by himself, +and composed exclusively of steel, by the aid of which more pockets could +be picked in one hour than by the present slow and tedious process in +four-and-twenty. The inventor remarked that it had been put into active +operation in Fleet Street, the Strand, and other thoroughfares, and had +never been once known to fail. + +‘After some slight delay, occasioned by the various members of the +section buttoning their pockets, + +‘THE PRESIDENT narrowly inspected the invention, and declared that he had +never seen a machine of more beautiful or exquisite construction. Would +the inventor be good enough to inform the section whether he had taken +any and what means for bringing it into general operation? + +‘MR. CRINKLES stated that, after encountering some preliminary +difficulties, he had succeeded in putting himself in communication with +Mr. Fogle Hunter, and other gentlemen connected with the swell mob, who +had awarded the invention the very highest and most unqualified +approbation. He regretted to say, however, that these distinguished +practitioners, in common with a gentleman of the name of Gimlet-eyed +Tommy, and other members of a secondary grade of the profession whom he +was understood to represent, entertained an insuperable objection to its +being brought into general use, on the ground that it would have the +inevitable effect of almost entirely superseding manual labour, and +throwing a great number of highly-deserving persons out of employment. + +‘THE PRESIDENT hoped that no such fanciful objections would be allowed to +stand in the way of such a great public improvement. + +‘MR. CRINKLES hoped so too; but he feared that if the gentlemen of the +swell mob persevered in their objection, nothing could be done. + +‘PROFESSOR GRIME suggested, that surely, in that case, Her Majesty’s +Government might be prevailed upon to take it up. + +‘MR. CRINKLES said, that if the objection were found to be insuperable he +should apply to Parliament, which he thought could not fail to recognise +the utility of the invention. + +‘THE PRESIDENT observed that, up to this time Parliament had certainly +got on very well without it; but, as they did their business on a very +large scale, he had no doubt they would gladly adopt the improvement. +His only fear was that the machine might be worn out by constant working. + +‘MR. COPPERNOSE called the attention of the section to a proposition of +great magnitude and interest, illustrated by a vast number of models, and +stated with much clearness and perspicuity in a treatise entitled +“Practical Suggestions on the necessity of providing some harmless and +wholesome relaxation for the young noblemen of England.” His proposition +was, that a space of ground of not less than ten miles in length and four +in breadth should be purchased by a new company, to be incorporated by +Act of Parliament, and inclosed by a brick wall of not less than twelve +feet in height. He proposed that it should be laid out with highway +roads, turnpikes, bridges, miniature villages, and every object that +could conduce to the comfort and glory of Four-in-hand Clubs, so that +they might be fairly presumed to require no drive beyond it. This +delightful retreat would be fitted up with most commodious and extensive +stables, for the convenience of such of the nobility and gentry as had a +taste for ostlering, and with houses of entertainment furnished in the +most expensive and handsome style. It would be further provided with +whole streets of door-knockers and bell-handles of extra size, so +constructed that they could be easily wrenched off at night, and +regularly screwed on again, by attendants provided for the purpose, every +day. There would also be gas lamps of real glass, which could be broken +at a comparatively small expense per dozen, and a broad and handsome foot +pavement for gentlemen to drive their cabriolets upon when they were +humorously disposed—for the full enjoyment of which feat live pedestrians +would be procured from the workhouse at a very small charge per head. +The place being inclosed, and carefully screened from the intrusion of +the public, there would be no objection to gentlemen laying aside any +article of their costume that was considered to interfere with a pleasant +frolic, or, indeed, to their walking about without any costume at all, if +they liked that better. In short, every facility of enjoyment would be +afforded that the most gentlemanly person could possibly desire. But as +even these advantages would be incomplete unless there were some means +provided of enabling the nobility and gentry to display their prowess +when they sallied forth after dinner, and as some inconvenience might be +experienced in the event of their being reduced to the necessity of +pummelling each other, the inventor had turned his attention to the +construction of an entirely new police force, composed exclusively of +automaton figures, which, with the assistance of the ingenious Signor +Gagliardi, of Windmill-street, in the Haymarket, he had succeeded in +making with such nicety, that a policeman, cab-driver, or old woman, made +upon the principle of the models exhibited, would walk about until +knocked down like any real man; nay, more, if set upon and beaten by six +or eight noblemen or gentlemen, after it was down, the figure would utter +divers groans, mingled with entreaties for mercy, thus rendering the +illusion complete, and the enjoyment perfect. But the invention did not +stop even here; for station-houses would be built, containing good beds +for noblemen and gentlemen during the night, and in the morning they +would repair to a commodious police office, where a pantomimic +investigation would take place before the automaton magistrates,—quite +equal to life,—who would fine them in so many counters, with which they +would be previously provided for the purpose. This office would be +furnished with an inclined plane, for the convenience of any nobleman or +gentleman who might wish to bring in his horse as a witness; and the +prisoners would be at perfect liberty, as they were now, to interrupt the +complainants as much as they pleased, and to make any remarks that they +thought proper. The charge for these amusements would amount to very +little more than they already cost, and the inventor submitted that the +public would be much benefited and comforted by the proposed arrangement. + + [Picture: Automaton Police Office, and Real Offenders] + +‘PROFESSOR NOGO wished to be informed what amount of automaton police +force it was proposed to raise in the first instance. + +‘MR. COPPERNOSE replied, that it was proposed to begin with seven +divisions of police of a score each, lettered from A to G inclusive. It +was proposed that not more than half this number should be placed on +active duty, and that the remainder should be kept on shelves in the +police office ready to be called out at a moment’s notice. + +‘THE PRESIDENT, awarding the utmost merit to the ingenious gentleman who +had originated the idea, doubted whether the automaton police would quite +answer the purpose. He feared that noblemen and gentlemen would perhaps +require the excitement of thrashing living subjects. + +‘MR. COPPERNOSE submitted, that as the usual odds in such cases were ten +noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or cab-driver, it could make very +little difference in point of excitement whether the policeman or +cab-driver were a man or a block. The great advantage would be, that a +policeman’s limbs might be all knocked off, and yet he would be in a +condition to do duty next day. He might even give his evidence next +morning with his head in his hand, and give it equally well. + +‘PROFESSOR MUFF.—Will you allow me to ask you, sir, of what materials it +is intended that the magistrates’ heads shall be composed? + +‘MR. COPPERNOSE.—The magistrates will have wooden heads of course, and +they will be made of the toughest and thickest materials that can +possibly be obtained. + +‘PROFESSOR MUFF.—I am quite satisfied. This is a great invention. + +‘PROFESSOR NOGO.—I see but one objection to it. It appears to me that +the magistrates ought to talk. + +‘MR. COPPERNOSE no sooner heard this suggestion than he touched a small +spring in each of the two models of magistrates which were placed upon +the table; one of the figures immediately began to exclaim with great +volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen in such a situation, and +the other to express a fear that the policeman was intoxicated. + +‘The section, as with one accord, declared with a shout of applause that +the invention was complete; and the President, much excited, retired with +Mr. Coppernose to lay it before the council. On his return, + +‘MR. TICKLE displayed his newly-invented spectacles, which enabled the +wearer to discern, in very bright colours, objects at a great distance, +and rendered him wholly blind to those immediately before him. It was, +he said, a most valuable and useful invention, based strictly upon the +principle of the human eye. + +‘THE PRESIDENT required some information upon this point. He had yet to +learn that the human eye was remarkable for the peculiarities of which +the honourable gentleman had spoken. + +‘MR. TICKLE was rather astonished to hear this, when the President could +not fail to be aware that a large number of most excellent persons and +great statesmen could see, with the naked eye, most marvellous horrors on +West India plantations, while they could discern nothing whatever in the +interior of Manchester cotton mills. He must know, too, with what +quickness of perception most people could discover their neighbour’s +faults, and how very blind they were to their own. If the President +differed from the great majority of men in this respect, his eye was a +defective one, and it was to assist his vision that these glasses were +made. + +‘MR. BLANK exhibited a model of a fashionable annual, composed of +copper-plates, gold leaf, and silk boards, and worked entirely by milk +and water. + +‘MR. PROSEE, after examining the machine, declared it to be so +ingeniously composed, that he was wholly unable to discover how it went +on at all. + +‘MR. BLANK.—Nobody can, and that is the beauty of it. + + + +‘SECTION C.—ANATOMY AND MEDICINE. + + + BAR ROOM, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. + + _President_—Dr. Soemup. _Vice-Presidents_—Messrs. Pessell and Mortair. + +‘DR. GRUMMIDGE stated to the section a most interesting case of +monomania, and described the course of treatment he had pursued with +perfect success. The patient was a married lady in the middle rank of +life, who, having seen another lady at an evening party in a full suit of +pearls, was suddenly seized with a desire to possess a similar equipment, +although her husband’s finances were by no means equal to the necessary +outlay. Finding her wish ungratified, she fell sick, and the symptoms +soon became so alarming, that he (Dr. Grummidge) was called in. At this +period the prominent tokens of the disorder were sullenness, a total +indisposition to perform domestic duties, great peevishness, and extreme +languor, except when pearls were mentioned, at which times the pulse +quickened, the eyes grew brighter, the pupils dilated, and the patient, +after various incoherent exclamations, burst into a passion of tears, and +exclaimed that nobody cared for her, and that she wished herself dead. +Finding that the patient’s appetite was affected in the presence of +company, he began by ordering a total abstinence from all stimulants, and +forbidding any sustenance but weak gruel; he then took twenty ounces of +blood, applied a blister under each ear, one upon the chest, and another +on the back; having done which, and administered five grains of calomel, +he left the patient to her repose. The next day she was somewhat low, +but decidedly better, and all appearances of irritation were removed. +The next day she improved still further, and on the next again. On the +fourth there was some appearance of a return of the old symptoms, which +no sooner developed themselves, than he administered another dose of +calomel, and left strict orders that, unless a decidedly favourable +change occurred within two hours, the patient’s head should be +immediately shaved to the very last curl. From that moment she began to +mend, and, in less than four-and-twenty hours was perfectly restored. +She did not now betray the least emotion at the sight or mention of +pearls or any other ornaments. She was cheerful and good-humoured, and a +most beneficial change had been effected in her whole temperament and +condition. + +‘MR. PIPKIN (M.R.C.S.) read a short but most interesting communication in +which he sought to prove the complete belief of Sir William Courtenay, +otherwise Thorn, recently shot at Canterbury, in the Homoeopathic system. +The section would bear in mind that one of the Homoeopathic doctrines +was, that infinitesimal doses of any medicine which would occasion the +disease under which the patient laboured, supposing him to be in a +healthy state, would cure it. Now, it was a remarkable +circumstance—proved in the evidence—that the deceased Thorn employed a +woman to follow him about all day with a pail of water, assuring her that +one drop (a purely homoeopathic remedy, the section would observe), +placed upon his tongue, after death, would restore him. What was the +obvious inference? That Thorn, who was marching and countermarching in +osier beds, and other swampy places, was impressed with a presentiment +that he should be drowned; in which case, had his instructions been +complied with, he could not fail to have been brought to life again +instantly by his own prescription. As it was, if this woman, or any +other person, had administered an infinitesimal dose of lead and +gunpowder immediately after he fell, he would have recovered forthwith. +But unhappily the woman concerned did not possess the power of reasoning +by analogy, or carrying out a principle, and thus the unfortunate +gentleman had been sacrificed to the ignorance of the peasantry. + + + +‘SECTION D.—STATISTICS. + + + OUT-HOUSE, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. + + _President_—Mr. Slug. _Vice-Presidents_—Messrs. Noakes and Styles. + +‘MR. KWAKLEY stated the result of some most ingenious statistical +inquiries relative to the difference between the value of the +qualification of several members of Parliament as published to the world, +and its real nature and amount. After reminding the section that every +member of Parliament for a town or borough was supposed to possess a +clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per annum, the honourable +gentleman excited great amusement and laughter by stating the exact +amount of freehold property possessed by a column of legislators, in +which he had included himself. It appeared from this table, that the +amount of such income possessed by each was 0 pounds, 0 shillings, and 0 +pence, yielding an average of the same. (Great laughter.) It was pretty +well known that there were accommodating gentlemen in the habit of +furnishing new members with temporary qualifications, to the ownership of +which they swore solemnly—of course as a mere matter of form. He argued +from these _data_ that it was wholly unnecessary for members of +Parliament to possess any property at all, especially as when they had +none the public could get them so much cheaper. + + + +‘SUPPLEMENTARY SECTION, E.—UMBUGOLOGY AND DITCHWATERISICS. + + + _President_—Mr. Grub. _Vice Presidents_—Messrs. Dull and Dummy. + +‘A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony with one +eye, which had been seen by the author standing in a butcher’s cart at +the corner of Newgate Market. The communication described the author of +the paper as having, in the prosecution of a mercantile pursuit, betaken +himself one Saturday morning last summer from Somers Town to Cheapside; +in the course of which expedition he had beheld the extraordinary +appearance above described. The pony had one distinct eye, and it had +been pointed out to him by his friend Captain Blunderbore, of the Horse +Marines, who assisted the author in his search, that whenever he winked +this eye he whisked his tail (possibly to drive the flies off), but that +he always winked and whisked at the same time. The animal was lean, +spavined, and tottering; and the author proposed to constitute it of the +family of _Fitfordogsmeataurious_. It certainly did occur to him that +there was no case on record of a pony with one clearly-defined and +distinct organ of vision, winking and whisking at the same moment. + +‘MR. Q. J. SNUFFLETOFFLE had heard of a pony winking his eye, and +likewise of a pony whisking his tail, but whether they were two ponies or +the same pony he could not undertake positively to say. At all events, +he was acquainted with no authenticated instance of a simultaneous +winking and whisking, and he really could not but doubt the existence of +such a marvellous pony in opposition to all those natural laws by which +ponies were governed. Referring, however, to the mere question of his +one organ of vision, might he suggest the possibility of this pony having +been literally half asleep at the time he was seen, and having closed +only one eye. + +‘THE PRESIDENT observed that, whether the pony was half asleep or fast +asleep, there could be no doubt that the association was wide awake, and +therefore that they had better get the business over, and go to dinner. +He had certainly never seen anything analogous to this pony, but he was +not prepared to doubt its existence; for he had seen many queerer ponies +in his time, though he did not pretend to have seen any more remarkable +donkeys than the other gentlemen around him. + +‘PROFESSOR JOHN KETCH was then called upon to exhibit the skull of the +late Mr. Greenacre, which he produced from a blue bag, remarking, on +being invited to make any observations that occurred to him, “that he’d +pound it as that ’ere ’spectable section had never seed a more gamerer +cove nor he vos.” + +‘A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic ensued; and, some +difference of opinion arising respecting the real character of the +deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered a lecture upon the cranium before +him, clearly showing that Mr. Greenacre possessed the organ of +destructiveness to a most unusual extent, with a most remarkable +development of the organ of carveativeness. Sir Hookham Snivey was +proceeding to combat this opinion, when Professor Ketch suddenly +interrupted the proceedings by exclaiming, with great excitement of +manner, “Walker!” + +‘THE PRESIDENT begged to call the learned gentleman to order. + +‘PROFESSOR KETCH.—“Order be blowed! you’ve got the wrong un, I tell you. +It ain’t no ’ed at all; it’s a coker-nut as my brother-in-law has been +a-carvin’, to hornament his new baked tatur-stall wots a-comin’ down ’ere +vile the ’sociation’s in the town. Hand over, vill you?” + +‘With these words, Professor Ketch hastily repossessed himself of the +cocoa-nut, and drew forth the skull, in mistake for which he had +exhibited it. A most interesting conversation ensued; but as there +appeared some doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr. Greenacre’s, or +a hospital patient’s, or a pauper’s, or a man’s, or a woman’s, or a +monkey’s, no particular result was obtained.’ + + * * * * * + +‘I cannot,’ says our talented correspondent in conclusion, ‘I cannot +close my account of these gigantic researches and sublime and noble +triumphs without repeating a _bon mot_ of Professor Woodensconce’s, which +shows how the greatest minds may occasionally unbend when truth can be +presented to listening ears, clothed in an attractive and playful form. +I was standing by, when, after a week of feasting and feeding, that +learned gentleman, accompanied by the whole body of wonderful men, +entered the hall yesterday, where a sumptuous dinner was prepared; where +the richest wines sparkled on the board, and fat bucks—propitiatory +sacrifices to learning—sent forth their savoury odours. “Ah!” said +Professor Woodensconce, rubbing his hands, “this is what we meet for; +this is what inspires us; this is what keeps us together, and beckons us +onward; this is the _spread_ of science, and a glorious spread it is.”’ + + + + +THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE + + +BEFORE we plunge headlong into this paper, let us at once confess to a +fondness for pantomimes—to a gentle sympathy with clowns and +pantaloons—to an unqualified admiration of harlequins and columbines—to a +chaste delight in every action of their brief existence, varied and +many-coloured as those actions are, and inconsistent though they +occasionally be with those rigid and formal rules of propriety which +regulate the proceedings of meaner and less comprehensive minds. We +revel in pantomimes—not because they dazzle one’s eyes with tinsel and +gold leaf; not because they present to us, once again, the well-beloved +chalked faces, and goggle eyes of our childhood; not even because, like +Christmas-day, and Twelfth-night, and Shrove-Tuesday, and one’s own +birthday, they come to us but once a year;—our attachment is founded on a +graver and a very different reason. A pantomime is to us, a mirror of +life; nay, more, we maintain that it is so to audiences generally, +although they are not aware of it, and that this very circumstance is the +secret cause of their amusement and delight. + +Let us take a slight example. The scene is a street: an elderly +gentleman, with a large face and strongly marked features, appears. His +countenance beams with a sunny smile, and a perpetual dimple is on his +broad, red cheek. He is evidently an opulent elderly gentleman, +comfortable in circumstances, and well-to-do in the world. He is not +unmindful of the adornment of his person, for he is richly, not to say +gaudily, dressed; and that he indulges to a reasonable extent in the +pleasures of the table may be inferred from the joyous and oily manner in +which he rubs his stomach, by way of informing the audience that he is +going home to dinner. In the fulness of his heart, in the fancied +security of wealth, in the possession and enjoyment of all the good +things of life, the elderly gentleman suddenly loses his footing, and +stumbles. How the audience roar! He is set upon by a noisy and +officious crowd, who buffet and cuff him unmercifully. They scream with +delight! Every time the elderly gentleman struggles to get up, his +relentless persecutors knock him down again. The spectators are +convulsed with merriment! And when at last the elderly gentleman does +get up, and staggers away, despoiled of hat, wig, and clothing, himself +battered to pieces, and his watch and money gone, they are exhausted with +laughter, and express their merriment and admiration in rounds of +applause. + +Is this like life? Change the scene to any real street;—to the Stock +Exchange, or the City banker’s; the merchant’s counting-house, or even +the tradesman’s shop. See any one of these men fall,—the more suddenly, +and the nearer the zenith of his pride and riches, the better. What a +wild hallo is raised over his prostrate carcase by the shouting mob; how +they whoop and yell as he lies humbled beneath them! Mark how eagerly +they set upon him when he is down; and how they mock and deride him as he +slinks away. Why, it is the pantomime to the very letter. + +Of all the pantomimic _dramatis personæ_, we consider the pantaloon the +most worthless and debauched. Independent of the dislike one naturally +feels at seeing a gentleman of his years engaged in pursuits highly +unbecoming his gravity and time of life, we cannot conceal from ourselves +the fact that he is a treacherous, worldly-minded old villain, constantly +enticing his younger companion, the clown, into acts of fraud or petty +larceny, and generally standing aside to watch the result of the +enterprise. If it be successful, he never forgets to return for his +share of the spoil; but if it turn out a failure, he generally retires +with remarkable caution and expedition, and keeps carefully aloof until +the affair has blown over. His amorous propensities, too, are eminently +disagreeable; and his mode of addressing ladies in the open street at +noon-day is down-right improper, being usually neither more nor less than +a perceptible tickling of the aforesaid ladies in the waist, after +committing which, he starts back, manifestly ashamed (as well he may be) +of his own indecorum and temerity; continuing, nevertheless, to ogle and +beckon to them from a distance in a very unpleasant and immoral manner. + +Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his own social +circle? Is there any man who has not seen them swarming at the west end +of the town on a sunshiny day or a summer’s evening, going through the +last-named pantomimic feats with as much liquorish energy, and as total +an absence of reserve, as if they were on the very stage itself? We can +tell upon our fingers a dozen pantaloons of our acquaintance at this +moment—capital pantaloons, who have been performing all kinds of strange +freaks, to the great amusement of their friends and acquaintance, for +years past; and who to this day are making such comical and ineffectual +attempts to be young and dissolute, that all beholders are like to die +with laughter. + +Take that old gentleman who has just emerged from the _Café de l’Europe_ +in the Haymarket, where he has been dining at the expense of the young +man upon town with whom he shakes hands as they part at the door of the +tavern. The affected warmth of that shake of the hand, the courteous +nod, the obvious recollection of the dinner, the savoury flavour of which +still hangs upon his lips, are all characteristics of his great +prototype. He hobbles away humming an opera tune, and twirling his cane +to and fro, with affected carelessness. Suddenly he stops—’tis at the +milliner’s window. He peeps through one of the large panes of glass; +and, his view of the ladies within being obstructed by the India shawls, +directs his attentions to the young girl with the band-box in her hand, +who is gazing in at the window also. See! he draws beside her. He +coughs; she turns away from him. He draws near her again; she disregards +him. He gleefully chucks her under the chin, and, retreating a few +steps, nods and beckons with fantastic grimaces, while the girl bestows a +contemptuous and supercilious look upon his wrinkled visage. She turns +away with a flounce, and the old gentleman trots after her with a +toothless chuckle. The pantaloon to the life! + +But the close resemblance which the clowns of the stage bear to those of +every-day life is perfectly extraordinary. Some people talk with a sigh +of the decline of pantomime, and murmur in low and dismal tones the name +of Grimaldi. We mean no disparagement to the worthy and excellent old +man when we say that this is downright nonsense. Clowns that beat +Grimaldi all to nothing turn up every day, and nobody patronizes +them—more’s the pity! + +‘I know who you mean,’ says some dirty-faced patron of Mr. +Osbaldistone’s, laying down the Miscellany when he has got thus far, and +bestowing upon vacancy a most knowing glance; ‘you mean C. J. Smith as +did Guy Fawkes, and George Barnwell at the Garden.’ The dirty-faced +gentleman has hardly uttered the words, when he is interrupted by a young +gentleman in no shirt-collar and a Petersham coat. ‘No, no,’ says the +young gentleman; ‘he means Brown, King, and Gibson, at the ’Delphi.’ +Now, with great deference both to the first-named gentleman with the +dirty face, and the last-named gentleman in the non-existing +shirt-collar, we do _not_ mean either the performer who so grotesquely +burlesqued the Popish conspirator, or the three unchangeables who have +been dancing the same dance under different imposing titles, and doing +the same thing under various high-sounding names for some five or six +years last past. We have no sooner made this avowal, than the public, +who have hitherto been silent witnesses of the dispute, inquire what on +earth it is we _do_ mean; and, with becoming respect, we proceed to tell +them. + +It is very well known to all playgoers and pantomime-seers, that the +scenes in which a theatrical clown is at the very height of his glory are +those which are described in the play-bills as ‘Cheesemonger’s shop and +Crockery warehouse,’ or ‘Tailor’s shop, and Mrs. Queertable’s +boarding-house,’ or places bearing some such title, where the great fun +of the thing consists in the hero’s taking lodgings which he has not the +slightest intention of paying for, or obtaining goods under false +pretences, or abstracting the stock-in-trade of the respectable +shopkeeper next door, or robbing warehouse porters as they pass under his +window, or, to shorten the catalogue, in his swindling everybody he +possibly can, it only remaining to be observed that, the more extensive +the swindling is, and the more barefaced the impudence of the swindler, +the greater the rapture and ecstasy of the audience. Now it is a most +remarkable fact that precisely this sort of thing occurs in real life day +after day, and nobody sees the humour of it. Let us illustrate our +position by detailing the plot of this portion of the pantomime—not of +the theatre, but of life. + +The Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, attended by his livery +servant Do’em—a most respectable servant to look at, who has grown grey +in the service of the captain’s family—views, treats for, and ultimately +obtains possession of, the unfurnished house, such a number, such a +street. All the tradesmen in the neighbourhood are in agonies of +competition for the captain’s custom; the captain is a good-natured, +kind-hearted, easy man, and, to avoid being the cause of disappointment +to any, he most handsomely gives orders to all. Hampers of wine, baskets +of provisions, cart-loads of furniture, boxes of jewellery, supplies of +luxuries of the costliest description, flock to the house of the +Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, where they are received with the +utmost readiness by the highly respectable Do’em; while the captain +himself struts and swaggers about with that compound air of conscious +superiority and general blood-thirstiness which a military captain should +always, and does most times, wear, to the admiration and terror of +plebeian men. But the tradesmen’s backs are no sooner turned, than the +captain, with all the eccentricity of a mighty mind, and assisted by the +faithful Do’em, whose devoted fidelity is not the least touching part of +his character, disposes of everything to great advantage; for, although +the articles fetch small sums, still they are sold considerably above +cost price, the cost to the captain having been nothing at all. After +various manœuvres, the imposture is discovered, Fitz-Fiercy and Do’em are +recognized as confederates, and the police office to which they are both +taken is thronged with their dupes. + +Who can fail to recognize in this, the exact counterpart of the best +portion of a theatrical pantomime—Fitz-Whisker Fiercy by the clown; Do’em +by the pantaloon; and supernumeraries by the tradesmen? The best of the +joke, too, is, that the very coal-merchant who is loudest in his +complaints against the person who defrauded him, is the identical man who +sat in the centre of the very front row of the pit last night and laughed +the most boisterously at this very same thing,—and not so well done +either. Talk of Grimaldi, we say again! Did Grimaldi, in his best days, +ever do anything in this way equal to Da Costa? + +The mention of this latter justly celebrated clown reminds us of his last +piece of humour, the fraudulently obtaining certain stamped acceptances +from a young gentleman in the army. We had scarcely laid down our pen to +contemplate for a few moments this admirable actor’s performance of that +exquisite practical joke, than a new branch of our subject flashed +suddenly upon us. So we take it up again at once. + +All people who have been behind the scenes, and most people who have been +before them, know, that in the representation of a pantomime, a good many +men are sent upon the stage for the express purpose of being cheated, or +knocked down, or both. Now, down to a moment ago, we had never been able +to understand for what possible purpose a great number of odd, lazy, +large-headed men, whom one is in the habit of meeting here, and there, +and everywhere, could ever have been created. We see it all, now. They +are the supernumeraries in the pantomime of life; the men who have been +thrust into it, with no other view than to be constantly tumbling over +each other, and running their heads against all sorts of strange things. +We sat opposite to one of these men at a supper-table, only last week. +Now we think of it, he was exactly like the gentlemen with the pasteboard +heads and faces, who do the corresponding business in the theatrical +pantomimes; there was the same broad stolid simper—the same dull leaden +eye—the same unmeaning, vacant stare; and whatever was said, or whatever +was done, he always came in at precisely the wrong place, or jostled +against something that he had not the slightest business with. We looked +at the man across the table again and again; and could not satisfy +ourselves what race of beings to class him with. How very odd that this +never occurred to us before! + +We will frankly own that we have been much troubled with the harlequin. +We see harlequins of so many kinds in the real living pantomime, that we +hardly know which to select as the proper fellow of him of the theatres. +At one time we were disposed to think that the harlequin was neither more +nor less than a young man of family and independent property, who had run +away with an opera-dancer, and was fooling his life and his means away in +light and trivial amusements. On reflection, however, we remembered that +harlequins are occasionally guilty of witty, and even clever acts, and we +are rather disposed to acquit our young men of family and independent +property, generally speaking, of any such misdemeanours. On a more +mature consideration of the subject, we have arrived at the conclusion +that the harlequins of life are just ordinary men, to be found in no +particular walk or degree, on whom a certain station, or particular +conjunction of circumstances, confers the magic wand. And this brings us +to a few words on the pantomime of public and political life, which we +shall say at once, and then conclude—merely premising in this place that +we decline any reference whatever to the columbine, being in no wise +satisfied of the nature of her connection with her parti-coloured lover, +and not feeling by any means clear that we should be justified in +introducing her to the virtuous and respectable ladies who peruse our +lucubrations. + +We take it that the commencement of a Session of Parliament is neither +more nor less than the drawing up of the curtain for a grand comic +pantomime, and that his Majesty’s most gracious speech on the opening +thereof may be not inaptly compared to the clown’s opening speech of +‘Here we are!’ ‘My lords and gentlemen, here we are!’ appears, to our +mind at least, to be a very good abstract of the point and meaning of the +propitiatory address of the ministry. When we remember how frequently +this speech is made, immediately after _the change_ too, the parallel is +quite perfect, and still more singular. + +Perhaps the cast of our political pantomime never was richer than at this +day. We are particularly strong in clowns. At no former time, we should +say, have we had such astonishing tumblers, or performers so ready to go +through the whole of their feats for the amusement of an admiring throng. +Their extreme readiness to exhibit, indeed, has given rise to some +ill-natured reflections; it having been objected that by exhibiting +gratuitously through the country when the theatre is closed, they reduce +themselves to the level of mountebanks, and thereby tend to degrade the +respectability of the profession. Certainly Grimaldi never did this sort +of thing; and though Brown, King, and Gibson have gone to the Surrey in +vacation time, and Mr. C. J. Smith has ruralised at Sadler’s Wells, we +find no theatrical precedent for a general tumbling through the country, +except in the gentleman, name unknown, who threw summersets on behalf of +the late Mr. Richardson, and who is no authority either, because he had +never been on the regular boards. + +But, laying aside this question, which after all is a mere matter of +taste, we may reflect with pride and gratification of heart on the +proficiency of our clowns as exhibited in the season. Night after night +will they twist and tumble about, till two, three, and four o’clock in +the morning; playing the strangest antics, and giving each other the +funniest slaps on the face that can possibly be imagined, without +evincing the smallest tokens of fatigue. The strange noises, the +confusion, the shouting and roaring, amid which all this is done, too, +would put to shame the most turbulent sixpenny gallery that ever yelled +through a boxing-night. + +It is especially curious to behold one of these clowns compelled to go +through the most surprising contortions by the irresistible influence of +the wand of office, which his leader or harlequin holds above his head. +Acted upon by this wonderful charm he will become perfectly motionless, +moving neither hand, foot, nor finger, and will even lose the faculty of +speech at an instant’s notice; or on the other hand, he will become all +life and animation if required, pouring forth a torrent of words without +sense or meaning, throwing himself into the wildest and most fantastic +contortions, and even grovelling on the earth and licking up the dust. +These exhibitions are more curious than pleasing; indeed, they are rather +disgusting than otherwise, except to the admirers of such things, with +whom we confess we have no fellow-feeling. + +Strange tricks—very strange tricks—are also performed by the harlequin +who holds for the time being the magic wand which we have just mentioned. +The mere waving it before a man’s eyes will dispossess his brains of all +the notions previously stored there, and fill it with an entirely new set +of ideas; one gentle tap on the back will alter the colour of a man’s +coat completely; and there are some expert performers, who, having this +wand held first on one side and then on the other, will change from side +to side, turning their coats at every evolution, with so much rapidity +and dexterity, that the quickest eye can scarcely detect their motions. +Occasionally, the genius who confers the wand, wrests it from the hand of +the temporary possessor, and consigns it to some new performer; on which +occasions all the characters change sides, and then the race and the hard +knocks begin anew. + +We might have extended this chapter to a much greater length—we might +have carried the comparison into the liberal professions—we might have +shown, as was in fact our original purpose, that each is in itself a +little pantomime with scenes and characters of its own, complete; but, as +we fear we have been quite lengthy enough already, we shall leave this +chapter just where it is. A gentleman, not altogether unknown as a +dramatic poet, wrote thus a year or two ago— + + ‘All the world’s a stage, + And all the men and women merely players:’ + +and we, tracking out his footsteps at the scarcely-worth-mentioning +little distance of a few millions of leagues behind, venture to add, by +way of new reading, that he meant a Pantomime, and that we are all actors +in The Pantomime of Life. + + + + +SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION + + +WE have a great respect for lions in the abstract. In common with most +other people, we have heard and read of many instances of their bravery +and generosity. We have duly admired that heroic self-denial and +charming philanthropy which prompts them never to eat people except when +they are hungry, and we have been deeply impressed with a becoming sense +of the politeness they are said to display towards unmarried ladies of a +certain state. All natural histories teem with anecdotes illustrative of +their excellent qualities; and one old spelling-book in particular +recounts a touching instance of an old lion, of high moral dignity and +stern principle, who felt it his imperative duty to devour a young man +who had contracted a habit of swearing, as a striking example to the +rising generation. + +All this is extremely pleasant to reflect upon, and, indeed, says a very +great deal in favour of lions as a mass. We are bound to state, however, +that such individual lions as we have happened to fall in with have not +put forth any very striking characteristics, and have not acted up to the +chivalrous character assigned them by their chroniclers. We never saw a +lion in what is called his natural state, certainly; that is to say, we +have never met a lion out walking in a forest, or crouching in his lair +under a tropical sun, waiting till his dinner should happen to come by, +hot from the baker’s. But we have seen some under the influence of +captivity, and the pressure of misfortune; and we must say that they +appeared to us very apathetic, heavy-headed fellows. + +The lion at the Zoological Gardens, for instance. He is all very well; +he has an undeniable mane, and looks very fierce; but, Lord bless us! +what of that? The lions of the fashionable world look just as ferocious, +and are the most harmless creatures breathing. A box-lobby lion or a +Regent-street animal will put on a most terrible aspect, and roar, +fearfully, if you affront him; but he will never bite, and, if you offer +to attack him manfully, will fairly turn tail and sneak off. Doubtless +these creatures roam about sometimes in herds, and, if they meet any +especially meek-looking and peaceably-disposed fellow, will endeavour to +frighten him; but the faintest show of a vigorous resistance is +sufficient to scare them even then. These are pleasant characteristics, +whereas we make it matter of distinct charge against the Zoological lion +and his brethren at the fairs, that they are sleepy, dreamy, sluggish +quadrupeds. + +We do not remember to have ever seen one of them perfectly awake, except +at feeding-time. In every respect we uphold the biped lions against +their four-footed namesakes, and we boldly challenge controversy upon the +subject. + +With these opinions it may be easily imagined that our curiosity and +interest were very much excited the other day, when a lady of our +acquaintance called on us and resolutely declined to accept our refusal +of her invitation to an evening party; ‘for,’ said she, ‘I have got a +lion coming.’ We at once retracted our plea of a prior engagement, and +became as anxious to go, as we had previously been to stay away. + +We went early, and posted ourselves in an eligible part of the +drawing-room, from whence we could hope to obtain a full view of the +interesting animal. Two or three hours passed, the quadrilles began, the +room filled; but no lion appeared. The lady of the house became +inconsolable,—for it is one of the peculiar privileges of these lions to +make solemn appointments and never keep them,—when all of a sudden there +came a tremendous double rap at the street-door, and the master of the +house, after gliding out (unobserved as he flattered himself) to peep +over the banisters, came into the room, rubbing his hands together with +great glee, and cried out in a very important voice, ‘My dear, Mr. — +(naming the lion) has this moment arrived.’ + +Upon this, all eyes were turned towards the door, and we observed several +young ladies, who had been laughing and conversing previously with great +gaiety and good humour, grow extremely quiet and sentimental; while some +young gentlemen, who had been cutting great figures in the facetious and +small-talk way, suddenly sank very obviously in the estimation of the +company, and were looked upon with great coldness and indifference. Even +the young man who had been ordered from the music shop to play the +pianoforte was visibly affected, and struck several false notes in the +excess of his excitement. + +All this time there was a great talking outside, more than once +accompanied by a loud laugh, and a cry of ‘Oh! capital! excellent!’ from +which we inferred that the lion was jocose, and that these exclamations +were occasioned by the transports of his keeper and our host. Nor were +we deceived; for when the lion at last appeared, we overheard his keeper, +who was a little prim man, whisper to several gentlemen of his +acquaintance, with uplifted hands, and every expression of +half-suppressed admiration, that—(naming the lion again) was in _such_ +cue to-night! + +The lion was a literary one. Of course, there were a vast number of +people present who had admired his roarings, and were anxious to be +introduced to him; and very pleasant it was to see them brought up for +the purpose, and to observe the patient dignity with which he received +all their patting and caressing. This brought forcibly to our mind what +we had so often witnessed at country fairs, where the other lions are +compelled to go through as many forms of courtesy as they chance to be +acquainted with, just as often as admiring parties happen to drop in upon +them. + +While the lion was exhibiting in this way, his keeper was not idle, for +he mingled among the crowd, and spread his praises most industriously. +To one gentleman he whispered some very choice thing that the noble +animal had said in the very act of coming up-stairs, which, of course, +rendered the mental effort still more astonishing; to another he murmured +a hasty account of a grand dinner that had taken place the day before, +where twenty-seven gentlemen had got up all at once to demand an extra +cheer for the lion; and to the ladies he made sundry promises of +interceding to procure the majestic brute’s sign-manual for their albums. +Then, there were little private consultations in different corners, +relative to the personal appearance and stature of the lion; whether he +was shorter than they had expected to see him, or taller, or thinner, or +fatter, or younger, or older; whether he was like his portrait, or unlike +it; and whether the particular shade of his eyes was black, or blue, or +hazel, or green, or yellow, or mixture. At all these consultations the +keeper assisted; and, in short, the lion was the sole and single subject +of discussion till they sat him down to whist, and then the people +relapsed into their old topics of conversation—themselves and each other. + +We must confess that we looked forward with no slight impatience to the +announcement of supper; for if you wish to see a tame lion under +particularly favourable circumstances, feeding-time is the period of all +others to pitch upon. We were therefore very much delighted to observe a +sensation among the guests, which we well knew how to interpret, and +immediately afterwards to behold the lion escorting the lady of the house +down-stairs. We offered our arm to an elderly female of our +acquaintance, who—dear old soul!—is the very best person that ever lived, +to lead down to any meal; for, be the room ever so small, or the party +ever so large, she is sure, by some intuitive perception of the eligible, +to push and pull herself and conductor close to the best dishes on the +table;—we say we offered our arm to this elderly female, and, descending +the stairs shortly after the lion, were fortunate enough to obtain a seat +nearly opposite him. + +Of course the keeper was there already. He had planted himself at +precisely that distance from his charge which afforded him a decent +pretext for raising his voice, when he addressed him, to so loud a key, +as could not fail to attract the attention of the whole company, and +immediately began to apply himself seriously to the task of bringing the +lion out, and putting him through the whole of his manœuvres. Such +flashes of wit as he elicited from the lion! First of all, they began to +make puns upon a salt-cellar, and then upon the breast of a fowl, and +then upon the trifle; but the best jokes of all were decidedly on the +lobster salad, upon which latter subject the lion came out most +vigorously, and, in the opinion of the most competent authorities, quite +outshone himself. This is a very excellent mode of shining in society, +and is founded, we humbly conceive, upon the classic model of the +dialogues between Mr. Punch and his friend the proprietor, wherein the +latter takes all the up-hill work, and is content to pioneer to the jokes +and repartees of Mr. P. himself, who never fails to gain great credit and +excite much laughter thereby. Whatever it be founded on, however, we +recommend it to all lions, present and to come; for in this instance it +succeeded to admiration, and perfectly dazzled the whole body of hearers. + +When the salt-cellar, and the fowl’s breast, and the trifle, and the +lobster salad were all exhausted, and could not afford standing-room for +another solitary witticism, the keeper performed that very dangerous feat +which is still done with some of the caravan lions, although in one +instance it terminated fatally, of putting his head in the animal’s +mouth, and placing himself entirely at its mercy. Boswell frequently +presents a melancholy instance of the lamentable results of this +achievement, and other keepers and jackals have been terribly lacerated +for their daring. It is due to our lion to state, that he condescended +to be trifled with, in the most gentle manner, and finally went home with +the showman in a hack cab: perfectly peaceable, but slightly fuddled. + +Being in a contemplative mood, we were led to make some reflections upon +the character and conduct of this genus of lions as we walked homewards, +and we were not long in arriving at the conclusion that our former +impression in their favour was very much strengthened and confirmed by +what we had recently seen. While the other lions receive company and +compliments in a sullen, moody, not to say snarling manner, these appear +flattered by the attentions that are paid them; while those conceal +themselves to the utmost of their power from the vulgar gaze, these court +the popular eye, and, unlike their brethren, whom nothing short of +compulsion will move to exertion, are ever ready to display their +acquirements to the wondering throng. We have known bears of undoubted +ability who, when the expectations of a large audience have been wound up +to the utmost pitch, have peremptorily refused to dance; well-taught +monkeys, who have unaccountably objected to exhibit on the slack wire; +and elephants of unquestioned genius, who have suddenly declined to turn +the barrel-organ; but we never once knew or heard of a biped lion, +literary or otherwise,—and we state it as a fact which is highly +creditable to the whole species,—who, occasion offering, did not seize +with avidity on any opportunity which was afforded him, of performing to +his heart’s content on the first violin. + + + + +MR. ROBERT BOLTON +THE ‘GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS’ + + +IN the parlour of the Green Dragon, a public-house in the immediate +neighbourhood of Westminster Bridge, everybody talks politics, every +evening, the great political authority being Mr. Robert Bolton, an +individual who defines himself as ‘a gentleman connected with the press,’ +which is a definition of peculiar indefiniteness. Mr. Robert Bolton’s +regular circle of admirers and listeners are an undertaker, a +greengrocer, a hairdresser, a baker, a large stomach surmounted by a +man’s head, and placed on the top of two particularly short legs, and a +thin man in black, name, profession, and pursuit unknown, who always sits +in the same position, always displays the same long, vacant face, and +never opens his lips, surrounded as he is by most enthusiastic +conversation, except to puff forth a volume of tobacco smoke, or give +vent to a very snappy, loud, and shrill _hem_! The conversation +sometimes turns upon literature, Mr. Bolton being a literary character, +and always upon such news of the day as is exclusively possessed by that +talented individual. I found myself (of course, accidentally) in the +Green Dragon the other evening, and, being somewhat amused by the +following conversation, preserved it. + +‘Can you lend me a ten-pound note till Christmas?’ inquired the +hairdresser of the stomach. + +‘Where’s your security, Mr. Clip?’ + +‘My stock in trade,—there’s enough of it, I’m thinking, Mr. Thicknesse. +Some fifty wigs, two poles, half-a-dozen head blocks, and a dead Bruin.’ + +‘No, I won’t, then,’ growled out Thicknesse. ‘I lends nothing on the +security of the whigs or the Poles either. As for whigs, they’re cheats; +as for the Poles, they’ve got no cash. I never have nothing to do with +blockheads, unless I can’t awoid it (ironically), and a dead bear’s about +as much use to me as I could be to a dead bear.’ + +‘Well, then,’ urged the other, ‘there’s a book as belonged to Pope, +Byron’s Poems, valued at forty pounds, because it’s got Pope’s identical +scratch on the back; what do you think of that for security?’ + +‘Well, to be sure!’ cried the baker. ‘But how d’ye mean, Mr. Clip?’ + +‘Mean! why, that it’s got the _hottergruff_ of Pope. + + “Steal not this book, for fear of hangman’s rope; + For it belongs to Alexander Pope.” + +All that’s written on the inside of the binding of the book; so, as my +son says, we’re _bound_ to believe it.’ + +‘Well, sir,’ observed the undertaker, deferentially, and in a +half-whisper, leaning over the table, and knocking over the hairdresser’s +grog as he spoke, ‘that argument’s very easy upset.’ + +‘Perhaps, sir,’ said Clip, a little flurried, ‘you’ll pay for the first +upset afore you thinks of another.’ + +‘Now,’ said the undertaker, bowing amicably to the hairdresser, ‘I +_think_, I says I _think_—you’ll excuse me, Mr. Clip, I _think_, you see, +that won’t go down with the present company—unfortunately, my master had +the honour of making the coffin of that ere Lord’s housemaid, not no more +nor twenty year ago. Don’t think I’m proud on it, gentlemen; others +might be; but I hate rank of any sort. I’ve no more respect for a Lord’s +footman than I have for any respectable tradesman in this room. I may +say no more nor I have for Mr. Clip! (bowing). Therefore, that ere Lord +must have been born long after Pope died. And it’s a logical +interference to defer, that they neither of them lived at the same time. +So what I mean is this here, that Pope never had no book, never seed, +felt, never smelt no book (triumphantly) as belonged to that ere Lord. +And, gentlemen, when I consider how patiently you have ’eared the ideas +what I have expressed, I feel bound, as the best way to reward you for +the kindness you have exhibited, to sit down without saying anything +more—partickler as I perceive a worthier visitor nor myself is just +entered. I am not in the habit of paying compliments, gentlemen; when I +do, therefore, I hope I strikes with double force.’ + +‘Ah, Mr. Murgatroyd! what’s all this about striking with double force?’ +said the object of the above remark, as he entered. ‘I never excuse a +man’s getting into a rage during winter, even when he’s seated so close +to the fire as you are. It is very injudicious to put yourself into such +a perspiration. What is the cause of this extreme physical and mental +excitement, sir?’ + +Such was the very philosophical address of Mr. Robert Bolton, a +shorthand-writer, as he termed himself—a bit of equivoque passing current +among his fraternity, which must give the uninitiated a vast idea of the +establishment of the ministerial organ, while to the initiated it +signifies that no one paper can lay claim to the enjoyment of their +services. Mr. Bolton was a young man, with a somewhat sickly and very +dissipated expression of countenance. His habiliments were composed of +an exquisite union of gentility, slovenliness, assumption, simplicity, +_newness_, and old age. Half of him was dressed for the winter, the +other half for the summer. His hat was of the newest cut, the D’Orsay; +his trousers had been white, but the inroads of mud and ink, etc., had +given them a pie-bald appearance; round his throat he wore a very high +black cravat, of the most tyrannical stiffness; while his _tout ensemble_ +was hidden beneath the enormous folds of an old brown poodle-collared +great-coat, which was closely buttoned up to the aforesaid cravat. His +fingers peeped through the ends of his black kid gloves, and two of the +toes of each foot took a similar view of society through the extremities +of his high-lows. Sacred to the bare walls of his garret be the +mysteries of his interior dress! He was a short, spare man, of a +somewhat inferior deportment. Everybody seemed influenced by his entry +into the room, and his salutation of each member partook of the +patronizing. The hairdresser made way for him between himself and the +stomach. A minute afterwards he had taken possession of his pint and +pipe. A pause in the conversation took place. Everybody was waiting, +anxious for his first observation. + +‘Horrid murder in Westminster this morning,’ observed Mr. Bolton. + +Everybody changed their positions. All eyes were fixed upon the man of +paragraphs. + +‘A baker murdered his son by boiling him in a copper,’ said Mr. Bolton. + +‘Good heavens!’ exclaimed everybody, in simultaneous horror. + +‘Boiled him, gentlemen!’ added Mr. Bolton, with the most effective +emphasis; ‘_boiled_ him!’ + +‘And the particulars, Mr. B.,’ inquired the hairdresser, ‘the +particulars?’ + +Mr. Bolton took a very long draught of porter, and some two or three +dozen whiffs of tobacco, doubtless to instil into the commercial +capacities of the company the superiority of a gentlemen connected with +the press, and then said— + +‘The man was a baker, gentlemen.’ (Every one looked at the baker +present, who stared at Bolton.) ‘His victim, being his son, also was +necessarily the son of a baker. The wretched murderer had a wife, whom +he was frequently in the habit, while in an intoxicated state, of +kicking, pummelling, flinging mugs at, knocking down, and half-killing +while in bed, by inserting in her mouth a considerable portion of a sheet +or blanket.’ + +The speaker took another draught, everybody looked at everybody else, and +exclaimed, ‘Horrid!’ + +‘It appears in evidence, gentlemen,’ continued Mr. Bolton, ‘that, on the +evening of yesterday, Sawyer the baker came home in a reprehensible state +of beer. Mrs. S., connubially considerate, carried him in that condition +up-stairs into his chamber, and consigned him to their mutual couch. In +a minute or two she lay sleeping beside the man whom the morrow’s dawn +beheld a murderer!’ (Entire silence informed the reporter that his +picture had attained the awful effect he desired.) ‘The son came home +about an hour afterwards, opened the door, and went up to bed. Scarcely +(gentlemen, conceive his feelings of alarm), scarcely had he taken off +his indescribables, when shrieks (to his experienced ear _maternal_ +shrieks) scared the silence of surrounding night. He put his +indescribables on again, and ran down-stairs. He opened the door of the +parental bed-chamber. His father was dancing upon his mother. What must +have been his feelings! In the agony of the minute he rushed at his male +parent as he was about to plunge a knife into the side of his female. +The mother shrieked. The father caught the son (who had wrested the +knife from the paternal grasp) up in his arms, carried him down-stairs, +shoved him into a copper of boiling water among some linen, closed the +lid, and jumped upon the top of it, in which position he was found with a +ferocious countenance by the mother, who arrived in the melancholy +wash-house just as he had so settled himself. + +‘“Where’s my boy?” shrieked the mother. + +‘“In that copper, boiling,” coolly replied the benign father. + +‘Struck by the awful intelligence, the mother rushed from the house, and +alarmed the neighbourhood. The police entered a minute afterwards. The +father, having bolted the wash-house door, had bolted himself. They +dragged the lifeless body of the boiled baker from the cauldron, and, +with a promptitude commendable in men of their station, they immediately +carried it to the station-house. Subsequently, the baker was apprehended +while seated on the top of a lamp-post in Parliament Street, lighting his +pipe.’ + +The whole horrible ideality of the Mysteries of Udolpho, condensed into +the pithy effect of a ten-line paragraph, could not possibly have so +affected the narrator’s auditory. Silence, the purest and most noble of +all kinds of applause, bore ample testimony to the barbarity of the +baker, as well as to Bolton’s knack of narration; and it was only broken +after some minutes had elapsed by interjectional expressions of the +intense indignation of every man present. The baker wondered how a +British baker could so disgrace himself and the highly honourable calling +to which he belonged; and the others indulged in a variety of wonderments +connected with the subject; among which not the least wonderment was that +which was awakened by the genius and information of Mr. Robert Bolton, +who, after a glowing eulogium on himself, and his unspeakable influence +with the daily press, was proceeding, with a most solemn countenance, to +hear the pros and cons of the Pope autograph question, when I took up my +hat, and left. + + + + +FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD +AGED TWO YEARS AND TWO MONTHS + + +MY CHILD, + +TO recount with what trouble I have brought you up—with what an anxious +eye I have regarded your progress,—how late and how often I have sat up +at night working for you,—and how many thousand letters I have received +from, and written to your various relations and friends, many of whom +have been of a querulous and irritable turn,—to dwell on the anxiety and +tenderness with which I have (as far as I possessed the power) inspected +and chosen your food; rejecting the indigestible and heavy matter which +some injudicious but well-meaning old ladies would have had you swallow, +and retaining only those light and pleasant articles which I deemed +calculated to keep you free from all gross humours, and to render you an +agreeable child, and one who might be popular with society in general,—to +dilate on the steadiness with which I have prevented your annoying any +company by talking politics—always assuring you that you would thank me +for it yourself some day when you grew older,—to expatiate, in short, +upon my own assiduity as a parent, is beside my present purpose, though I +cannot but contemplate your fair appearance—your robust health, and +unimpeded circulation (which I take to be the great secret of your good +looks) without the liveliest satisfaction and delight. + +It is a trite observation, and one which, young as you are, I have no +doubt you have often heard repeated, that we have fallen upon strange +times, and live in days of constant shiftings and changes. I had a +melancholy instance of this only a week or two since. I was returning +from Manchester to London by the Mail Train, when I suddenly fell into +another train—a mixed train—of reflection, occasioned by the dejected and +disconsolate demeanour of the Post-Office Guard. We were stopping at +some station where they take in water, when he dismounted slowly from the +little box in which he sits in ghastly mockery of his old condition with +pistol and blunderbuss beside him, ready to shoot the first highwayman +(or railwayman) who shall attempt to stop the horses, which now travel +(when they travel at all) _inside_ and in a portable stable invented for +the purpose,—he dismounted, I say, slowly and sadly, from his post, and +looking mournfully about him as if in dismal recollection of the old +roadside public-house the blazing fire—the glass of foaming ale—the buxom +handmaid and admiring hangers-on of tap-room and stable, all honoured by +his notice; and, retiring a little apart, stood leaning against a +signal-post, surveying the engine with a look of combined affliction and +disgust which no words can describe. His scarlet coat and golden lace +were tarnished with ignoble smoke; flakes of soot had fallen on his +bright green shawl—his pride in days of yore—the steam condensed in the +tunnel from which we had just emerged, shone upon his hat like rain. His +eye betokened that he was thinking of the coachman; and as it wandered to +his own seat and his own fast-fading garb, it was plain to see that he +felt his office and himself had alike no business there, and were nothing +but an elaborate practical joke. + +As we whirled away, I was led insensibly into an anticipation of those +days to come, when mail-coach guards shall no longer be judges of +horse-flesh—when a mail-coach guard shall never even have seen a +horse—when stations shall have superseded stables, and corn shall have +given place to coke. ‘In those dawning times,’ thought I, +‘exhibition-rooms shall teem with portraits of Her Majesty’s favourite +engine, with boilers after Nature by future Landseers. Some Amburgh, yet +unborn, shall break wild horses by his magic power; and in the dress of a +mail-coach guard exhibit his TRAINED ANIMALS in a mock mail-coach. Then, +shall wondering crowds observe how that, with the exception of his whip, +it is all his eye; and crowned heads shall see them fed on oats, and +stand alone unmoved and undismayed, while counters flee affrighted when +the coursers neigh!’ + +Such, my child, were the reflections from which I was only awakened then, +as I am now, by the necessity of attending to matters of present though +minor importance. I offer no apology to you for the digression, for it +brings me very naturally to the subject of change, which is the very +subject of which I desire to treat. + +In fact, my child, you have changed hands. Henceforth I resign you to +the guardianship and protection of one of my most intimate and valued +friends, Mr. Ainsworth, with whom, and with you, my best wishes and +warmest feelings will ever remain. I reap no gain or profit by parting +from you, nor will any conveyance of your property be required, for, in +this respect, you have always been literally ‘Bentley’s’ Miscellany, and +never mine. + +Unlike the driver of the old Manchester mail, I regard this altered state +of things with feelings of unmingled pleasure and satisfaction. + +Unlike the guard of the new Manchester mail, _your_ guard is at home in +his new place, and has roystering highwaymen and gallant desperadoes ever +within call. And if I might compare you, my child, to an engine; (not a +Tory engine, nor a Whig engine, but a brisk and rapid locomotive;) your +friends and patrons to passengers; and he who now stands towards you _in +loco parentis_ as the skilful engineer and supervisor of the whole, I +would humbly crave leave to postpone the departure of the train on its +new and auspicious course for one brief instant, while, with hat in hand, +I approach side by side with the friend who travelled with me on the old +road, and presume to solicit favour and kindness in behalf of him and his +new charge, both for their sakes and that of the old coachman, + + BOZ. + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES*** + + +******* This file should be named 912-0.txt or 912-0.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/9/1/912 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, +and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive +specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this +eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook +for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, +performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given +away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks +not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the +trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. + +START: FULL LICENSE + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full +Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at +www.gutenberg.org/license. + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or +destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your +possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a +Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound +by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the +person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph +1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this +agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the +Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection +of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual +works in the collection are in the public domain in the United +States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the +United States and you are located in the United States, we do not +claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, +displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as +all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope +that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting +free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm +works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the +Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily +comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the +same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when +you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are +in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, +check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this +agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, +distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any +other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no +representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any +country outside the United States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other +immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear +prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work +on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, +performed, viewed, copied or distributed: + + This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and + most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no + restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it + under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this + eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the + United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you + are located before using this ebook. + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is +derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not +contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the +copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in +the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are +redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply +either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or +obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm +trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any +additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms +will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works +posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the +beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including +any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access +to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format +other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official +version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site +(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense +to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means +of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain +Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the +full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +provided that + +* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed + to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has + agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid + within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are + legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty + payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in + Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg + Literary Archive Foundation." + +* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all + copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue + all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm + works. + +* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of + any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of + receipt of the work. + +* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than +are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing +from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The +Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm +trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project +Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may +contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate +or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or +other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or +cannot be read by your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium +with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you +with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in +lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person +or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second +opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If +the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing +without further opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO +OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of +damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement +violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the +agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or +limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or +unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the +remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in +accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the +production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, +including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of +the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this +or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or +additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any +Defect you cause. + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of +computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It +exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations +from people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future +generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see +Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at +www.gutenberg.org + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by +U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the +mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its +volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous +locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt +Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to +date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and +official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND +DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular +state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To +donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project +Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be +freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and +distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of +volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in +the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not +necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper +edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search +facility: www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + |