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diff --git a/9070-0.txt b/9070-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4aa8b66 --- /dev/null +++ b/9070-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4351 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Imaginary Invalid, by Molière, + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you +will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before +using this eBook. + +Title: The Imaginary Invalid + Le Malade Imaginaire + +Author: Molière + +Translator: Charles Heron Wall + +Release Date: September 2, 2003 [eBook #9070] +[Most recently updated: August 18, 2021] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +Produced by: Charles Franks, Delphine Lettau, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) +Revised by Richard Tonsing. + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE IMAGINARY INVALID *** + + + + +THE IMAGINARY INVALID. + +(LE MALADE IMAGINAIRE.) + +by + +MOLIÈRE + +Translated into English Prose. + +_With Short Introductions and Explanatory Notes._ + +by + +CHARLES HERON WALL + + + + +This is the last comedy written by Molière. He was very ill, nearly +dying, at the time he wrote it. It was first acted at the Palais Royal +Theatre, on February 10, 1673. + +Molière acted the part of Argan. + + + + +PERSONS REPRESENTED. + +ARGAN, _an imaginary invalid_. + +BÉLINE, _second wife to_ ARGAN. + +ANGÉLIQUE, _daughter to_ ARGAN, _in love with_ CLÉANTE. + +LOUISON, ARGAN’S _young daughter, sister to_ ANGÉLIQUE. + +BÉRALDE, _brother to_ ARGAN. + +CLÉANTE, _lover to_ ANGÉLIQUE. + +MR. DIAFOIRUS, _a physician_. + +THOMAS DIAFOIRUS, _his son, in love with_ ANGÉLIQUE. + +MR. PURGON, _physician to_ ARGAN. + +MR. FLEURANT, _an apothecary_. + +MR. DE BONNEFOI, _a notary_. + +TOINETTE, _maid-servant to_ ARGAN. + + + + +THE IMAGINARY INVALID. + + + + +ACT I. + +SCENE I.—ARGAN (_sitting at a table, adding up his apothecary’s +bill with counters_). + + +ARG. Three and two make five, and five make ten, and ten make twenty. +“Item, on the 24th, a small, insinuative clyster, preparative and +gentle, to soften, moisten, and refresh the bowels of Mr. Argan.” What +I like about Mr. Fleurant, my apothecary, is that his bills are always +civil. “The bowels of Mr. Argan.” All the same, Mr. Fleurant, it is +not enough to be civil, you must also be reasonable, and not plunder +sick people. Thirty sous for a clyster! I have already told you, with +all due respect to you, that elsewhere you have only charged me twenty +sous; and twenty sous, in the language of apothecaries, means only ten +sous. Here they are, these ten sous. “Item, on the said day, a good +detergent clyster, compounded of double catholicon rhubarb, honey of +roses, and other ingredients, according to the prescription, to scour, +work, and clear out the bowels of Mr. Argan, thirty sous.” With your +leave, ten sous. “Item, on the said day, in the evening, a julep, +hepatic, soporiferous, and somniferous, intended to promote the sleep +of Mr. Argan, thirty-five sous.” I do not complain of that, for it +made me sleep very well. Ten, fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen sous six +deniers. “Item, on the 25th, a good purgative and corroborative +mixture, composed of fresh cassia with Levantine senna and other +ingredients, according to the prescription of Mr. Purgon, to expel Mr. +Argan’s bile, four francs.” You are joking, Mr. Fleurant; you must +learn to be reasonable with patients; Mr. Purgon never ordered you to +put four francs. Tut! put three francs, if you please. Twenty; thirty +sous.[1] “Item, on the said day, a dose, anodyne and astringent, to +make Mr. Argan sleep, thirty sous.” Ten sous, Mr. Fleurant. “Item, on +the 26th, a carminative clyster to cure the flatulence of Mr. Argan, +thirty sous.” “Item, the clyster repeated in the evening, as above, +thirty sous.” Ten sous, Mr. Fleurant. “Item, on the 27th, a good +mixture composed for the purpose of driving out the bad humours of Mr. +Argan, three francs.” Good; twenty and thirty sous; I am glad that +you are reasonable. “Item, on the 28th, a dose of clarified and +edulcorated whey, to soften, lenify, temper, and refresh the blood of +Mr. Argan, twenty sous.” Good; ten sous. “Item, a potion, cordial and +preservative, composed of twelve grains of bezoar, syrup of citrons +and pomegranates, and other ingredients, according to the prescription, +five francs.” Ah! Mr. Fleurant, gently, if you please; if you go on +like that, no one will wish to be unwell. Be satisfied with four +francs. Twenty, forty sous. Three and two are five, and five are ten, +and ten are twenty. Sixty-three francs four sous six deniers. So that +during this month I have taken one, two, three, four, five, six, +seven, eight mixtures, and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, +eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve clysters; and last month there were +twelve mixtures and twenty clysters. I am not astonished, therefore, +that I am not so well this month as last. I shall speak to Mr. Purgon +about it, so that he may set the matter right. Come, let all this be +taken away. (_He sees that no one comes, and that he is alone._) +Nobody. It’s no use, I am always left alone; there’s no way of keeping +them here. (_He rings a hand-bell._) They don’t hear, and my bell +doesn’t make enough noise. (_He rings again._) No one. (_He rings +again._) Toinette! (_He rings again._) It’s just as if I didn’t ring +at all. You hussy! you jade! (_He rings again._) Confound it all! (_He +rings and shouts._) Deuce take you, you wretch! + + +SCENE II.—ARGAN, TOINETTE. + +TOI. Coming, coming. + +ARG. Ah! you jade, you wretch! + +TOI. (_pretending to have knocked her head_). Bother your impatience! +You hurry me so much that I have knocked my head against the +window-shutter. + +ARG. (_angry_). You vixen! + +TOI. (_interrupting_ ARGAN). Oh! + +ARG. There is.... + +TOI. Oh! + +ARG. For the last hour I.... + +TOI. Oh! + +ARG. You have left me.... + +TOI. Oh! + +ARG. Be silent! you baggage, and let me scold you. + +TOI. Well! that’s too bad after what I have done to myself. + +ARG. You make me bawl till my throat is sore, you jade! + +TOI. And you, you made me break my head open; one is just as bad as +the other; so, with your leave, we are quits. + +ARG. What! you hussy.... + +TOI. If you go on scolding me, I shall cry. + +ARG. To leave me, you.... + +TOI. (_again interrupting_ ARGAN.) Oh! + +ARG. You would.... + +TOI. (_still interrupting him_). Oh! + +ARG. What! shall I have also to give up the pleasure of scolding her? + +TOI. Well, scold as much as you please; do as you like. + +ARG. You prevent me, you hussy, by interrupting me every moment. + +TOI. If you have the pleasure of scolding, I surely can have that of +crying. Let every one have his fancy; ’tis but right. Oh! oh! + +ARG. I must give it up, I suppose. Take this away, take this away, you +jade. Be careful to have some broth ready, for the other that I am to +take soon. + +TOI. This Mr. Fleurant and Mr. Purgon amuse themselves finely with +your body. They have a rare milch-cow in you, I must say; and I should +like them to tell me what disease it is you have for them to physic +you so. + +ARG. Hold your tongue, simpleton; it is not for you to control the +decrees of the faculty. Ask my daughter Angélique to come to me. I +have something to tell her. + +TOI. Here she is, coming of her own accord; she must have guessed your +thoughts. + + +SCENE III.—ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE. + +ARG. You come just in time; I want to speak to you. + +ANG. I am quite ready to hear you. + +ARG. Wait a moment. (_To_ TOINETTE) Give me my walking-stick; +I’ll come back directly. + +TOI. Go, Sir, go quickly; Mr. Fleurant gives us plenty to do. + + +SCENE IV.—ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE. + +ANG. Toinette! + +TOI. Well! what? + +ANG. Look at me a little. + +TOI. Well, I am looking at you. + +ANG. Toinette! + +TOI. Well! what, Toinette? + +ANG. Don’t you guess what I want to speak about? + +TOI. Oh! yes, I have some slight idea that you want to speak of our +young lover, for it is of him we have been speaking for the last six +days, and you are not well unless you mention him at every turn. + +ANG. Since you know what it is I want, why are you not the first to +speak to me of him? and why do you not spare me the trouble of being +the one to start the conversation? + +TOI. You don’t give me time, and you are so eager that it is difficult +to be beforehand with you on the subject. + +ANG. I acknowledge that I am never weary of speaking of him, and that +my heart takes eager advantage of every moment I have to open my heart +to you. But tell me, Toinette, do you blame the feelings I have +towards him? + +TOI. I am far from doing so. + +ANG. Am I wrong in giving way to these sweet impressions? + +TOI. I don’t say that you are. + +ANG. And would you have me insensible to the tender protestations of +ardent love which he shows me? + +TOI. Heaven forbid! + +ANG. Tell me, do you not see, as I do, Something providential, some +act of destiny in the unexpected adventure from which our acquaintance +originated? + +TOI. Yes. + +ANG. That it is impossible to act more generously? + +TOI. Agreed. + +ANG. And that he did all this with the greatest possible grace? + +TOI. Oh! yes. + +ANG. Do you not think, Toinette, that he is very handsome? + +TOI. Certainly. + +ANG. That he has the best manners in the world? + +TOI. No doubt about it. + +ANG. That there is always something noble in what he says and what he +does? + +TOI. Most certainly. + +ANG. That there never was anything more tender than all he says to me? + +TOI. True. + +ARG. And that there can be nothing more painful than the restraint +under which I am kept? for it prevents all sweet intercourse, and puts +an end to that mutual love with which Heaven has inspired us. + +TOI. You are right. + +ANG. But, dear Toinette, tell me, do you think that he loves me as +much as he says he does? + +TOI. Hum! That’s a thing hardly to be trusted at any time. A show of +love is sadly like the real thing, and I have met with very good +actors in that line. + +ANG. Ah! Toinette, what are you saying there? Alas! judging by the +manner in which he speaks, is it possible that he is not telling the +truth? + +TOI. At any rate, you will soon be satisfied on this point, and the +resolution which he says he has taken of asking you in marriage, is a +sure and ready way of showing you if what he says is true or not. That +is the all-sufficient proof. + +ANG. Ah! Toinette, if he deceives me, I shall never in all my life +believe in any man. + +TOI. Here is your father coming back. + + +SCENE V.—ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE. + +ARG. I say, Angélique, I have a piece of news for yon which, perhaps, +you did not expect. You have been asked of me in marriage. Halloa! how +is that? You are smiling. It is pleasant, is it not, that word +marriage? there is nothing so funny to young girls. Ah! nature! +nature! So, from what I see, daughter, there is no need of my asking +you if you are willing to marry. + +ANG. I ought to obey you in everything, father. + +ARG. I am very glad to possess such an obedient daughter; the thing is +settled then, and I have promised you. + +ANG. It is my duty, father, blindly to follow all you determine upon +for me. + +ARG. My wife, your mother-in-law, wanted me to make a nun of you and +of your little sister Louison also. She has always been bent upon +that. + +TOI. (_aside_). The excellent creature has her reasons. + +ARG. She would not consent to this marriage; but I carried the day, +and my word is given. + +TOI. (_to_ ARGAN). Really, I am pleased with you for that, and it +is the wisest thing you ever did in your life. + +ARG. I have not seen the person in question; but I am told that I +shall be satisfied with him, and that you too will be satisfied. + +ANG. Most certainly, father. + +ARG. How! have you seen him then? + +ANG. Since your consent to our marriage authorises me to open my heart +to you, I will not hide from you that chance made us acquainted six +days ago, and that the request which has been made to you is the +result of the sympathy we felt for one another at first sight. + +ARG. They did not tell me that; but I am glad of it; it is much better +that things should be so. They say that he is a tall, well-made young +fellow. + +ANG. Yes, father. + +ARG. Of a fine build. + +ANG. Yes, indeed. + +ARG. Pleasant. + +ANG. Certainly. + +ARG. A good face. + +ANG. Very good. + +ARG. Steady and of good family. + +ANG. Quite. + +ARG. With very good manners. + +ANG. The best possible. + +ARG. And speaks both Latin and Greek. + +ANG. Ah! that I don’t know anything about. + +ARG. And that he will in three days be made a doctor. + +ANG. He, father? + +ARG. Yes; did he not tell you? + +ANG. No, indeed! who told you? + +ARG. Mr. Purgon. + +ANG. Does Mr. Purgon know him? + +ARG. What a question! Of course he knows him, since he is his nephew. + +ANG. Cléante is the nephew of Mr. Purgon? + +ARG. What Cléante? We are speaking about him who has asked you in +marriage. + +ANG. Yes, of course. + +ARG. Well, he is the nephew of Mr. Purgon, and the son of his +brother-in-law, Mr. Diafoirus; and this son is called Thomas +Diafoirus, and not Cléante. Mr. Fleurant and I decided upon this match +this morning, and to-morrow this future son-in-law will be brought to +me by his father.... What is the matter, you look all scared? + +ANG. It is because, father, I see that you have been speaking of one +person, and I of another. + +TOI. What! Sir, you have formed such a queer project as that, and, +with all the wealth you possess, you want to marry your daughter to a +doctor? + +ARG. What business is it of yours, you impudent jade? + +TOI. Gently, gently. You always begin by abuse. Can we not reason +together without getting into a rage? Come, let us speak quietly. What +reason have you, if you please, for such a marriage? + +ARG. My reason is, that seeing myself infirm and sick, I wish to have +a son-in-law and relatives who are doctors, in order to secure their +kind assistance in my illness, to have in my family the fountain-head +of those remedies which are necessary to me, and to be within reach of +consultations and prescriptions. + +TOI. Very well; at least that is giving a reason, and there is a +certain pleasure in answering one another calmly. But now, Sir, on +your conscience, do you really and truly believe that you are ill? + +ARG. Believe that I am ill, you jade? Believe that I am ill, you +impudent hussy? + +TOI. Very well, then, Sir, you are ill; don’t let us quarrel about +that. Yes, you are very ill, I agree with you upon that point, more +ill even than you think. Now, is that settled? But your daughter is to +marry a husband for herself, and as she is not ill, what is the use of +giving her a doctor? + +ARG. It is for my sake that I give her this doctor, and a good +daughter ought to be delighted to marry for the sake of her father’s +health. + +TOI. In good troth, Sir, shall I, as a friend, give you a piece of +advice? + +ARG. What is this advice? + +TOI. Not to think of this match. + +ARG. And your reason? + +TOI. The reason is that your daughter will never consent to it. + +ARG. My daughter will not consent to it? + +TOI. No. + +ARG. My daughter? + +TOI. Your daughter. She will tell you that she has no need of Mr. +Diafoirus, nor of his son, Mr. Thomas Diafoirus, nor all the +Diafoiruses in the world. + +ARG. But I have need of them. Besides, the match is more advantageous +than you think. Mr. Diafoirus has only this son for his heir; and, +moreover, Mr. Purgon, who has neither wife nor child, gives all he has +in favour of this marriage; and Mr. Purgon is a man worth eight +thousand francs a year. + +TOI. What a lot of people he must have killed to have become so rich! + +ARG. Eight thousand francs is something, without counting the property +of the father. + +TOI. That is very well, Sir, but, all the same, I advise you, between +ourselves, to choose another husband for her; she is not of a make to +become a Mrs. Diafoirus. + +ARG. But I will have it so. + +TOI. Fie! nonsense! Don’t speak like that. + +ARG. Don’t speak like that? Why not? + +TOI. Dear me, no, don’t. + +ARG. And why should I not speak like that? + +TOI. People will say that you don’t know what you are talking about. + +ARG. People will say all they like, but I tell you that I will have +her make my promise good. + +TOI. I feel sure that she won’t. + +ARG. Then I will force her to do it. + +TOI. She will not do it, I tell you. + +ARG. She will, or I will shut her up in a convent. + +TOI. You? + +ARG. I. + +TOI. Good! + +ARG. How good? + +TOI. You will not shut her up in a convent. + +ARG. I shall not shut her up in a convent? + +TOI. No. + +ARG. No? + +TOI. No. + +ARG. Well, this is cool! I shall not put my daughter in a convent if I +like! + +TOI. No, I tell you. + +ARG. And who will hinder me? + +TOI. You yourself. + +ARG. Myself? + +TOI. You will never have the heart to do it. + +ARG. I shall. + +TOI. You are joking. + +ARG. I am not joking. + +TOI. Fatherly love will hinder you. + +ARG. It will not hinder me. + +TOI. A little tear or two, her arms thrown round your neck, or “My +darling little papa,” said very tenderly, will be enough to touch your +heart. + +ARG. All that will be useless. + +TOI. Oh yes! + +ARG. I tell you that nothing will move me. + +TOI. Rubbish! + +ARG. You have no business to say “Rubbish.” + +TOI. I know you well enough; you are naturally kind-hearted. + +ARG. (_angrily_). I am not kind-hearted, and I am ill-natured +when I like. + +TOI. Gently, Sir, you forget that you are ill. + +ARG. I command her to prepare herself to take the husband I have fixed +upon. + +TOI. And I decidedly forbid her to do anything of the kind. + +ARG. What have we come to? And what boldness is this for a scrub of a +servant to speak in such a way before her master? + +TOI. When a master does not consider what he is doing, a sensible +servant should set him right. + +ARG. (_running after_ TOINETTE). Ah, impudent girl, I will kill +you! + +TOI. (_avoiding_ ARGAN, _and putting the chair between her and +him_). It is my duty to oppose what would be a dishonour to you. + +ARG. (_running after_ TOINETTE _with his cane in his hand_). +Come here, come here, let me teach you how to speak. + +TOI. (_running to the opposite side of the chair_). I interest +myself in your affairs as I ought to do, and I don’t wish to see you +commit any folly. + +ARG. (_as before_). Jade! + +TOI. (_as before_). No, I will never consent to this marriage. + +ARG. (_as before_). Worthless hussy! + +TOI. (_as before_). I won’t have her marry your Thomas Diafoirus. + +ARG. (_as before_). Vixen! + +TOI. (_as before_). She will obey me sooner than you. + +ARG. (_stopping_). Angélique, won’t you stop that jade for me? + +ANG. Ah! father, don’t make yourself ill. + +ARG. (_to_ ANGÉLIQUE). If you don’t stop her, I will refuse you +my blessing. + +TOI. (_going away_). And I will disinherit her if she obeys you. + +ARG. (_throwing himself into his chair_). Ah! I am done for. It +is enough to kill me! + + +SCENE VI.—BÉLINE, ARGAN. + +ARG. Ah! come near, my wife. + +BEL. What ails you, my poor, dear husband? + +ARG. Come to my help. + +BEL. What is the matter, my little darling child? + +ARG. My love. + +BEL. My love. + +ARG. They have just put me in a rage. + +BEL. Alas! my poor little husband! How was that, my own dear pet? + +ARG. That jade of yours, Toinette, has grown more insolent than ever. + +BEL. Don’t excite yourself. + +ARG. She has put me in a rage, my dove. + +BEL. Gently, my child. + +ARG. She has been thwarting me for the last hour about everything I +want to do. + +BEL. There, there; never mind. + +ARG. And has had the impudence to say that I am not ill. + +BEL. She is an impertinent hussy. + +ARG. You know, my soul, what the truth is? + +BEL. Yes, my darling, she is wrong. + +ARG. My own dear, that jade will be the death of me. + +BEL. Now, don’t, don’t. + +ARG. She is the cause of all my bile. + +BEL. Don’t be so angry. + +ARG. And I have asked you ever so many times to send her away. + +BEL. Alas! my child, there is no servant without defects. We are +obliged to put up at times with their bad qualities on account of +their good ones. The girl is skilful, careful, diligent, and, above +all, honest; and you know that in our days we must be very careful +what people we take into our house. I say, Toinette. + + +SCENE VII.—ARGAN, BÉLINE, TOINETTE. + +TOI. Madam. + +BEL. How is this? Why do you put my husband in a passion? + +TOI. (_in a soft tone_). I, Madam? Alas! I don’t know what you +mean, and my only aim is to please master in everything. + +ARG. Ah! the deceitful girl! + +TOI. He said to us that he wished to marry his daughter to the son of +Mr. Diafoirus. I told him that I thought the match very advantageous +for her, but that I believed he would do better to put her in a +convent. + +BEL. There is not much harm in that, and I think that she is right. + +ARG. Ah! deary, do you believe her? She is a vile girl, and has said a +hundred insolent things to me. + +BEL. Well, I believe you, my dear. Come, compose yourself; and you, +Toinette, listen to me. If ever you make my husband angry again, I +will send you away. Come, give me his fur cloak and some pillows, that +I may make him comfortable in his arm-chair. You are all anyhow. Pull +your night-cap right down over your ears; there is nothing that gives +people such bad colds as letting in the air through the ears. + +ARG. Ah, deary! how much obliged I am to you for all the care you take +of me. + +BEL. (_adjusting the pillows, which she puts round him_). Raise +yourself a little for me to put this under you. Let us put this one +for you to lean upon, and this one on the other side; this one behind +your back, and this other to support your head. + +TOI. (_clapping a pillow rudely on his head_). And this other to +keep you from the evening damp. + +ARG. (_rising angrily, and throwing the pillows after_ TOINETTE, +_who runs away_). Ah, wretch! you want to smother me. + + +SCENE VIII.—ARGAN, BÉLINE. + +BEL. Now, now; what is it again? + +ARG. (_throwing himself in his chair_). Ah! I can hold out no +longer. + +BEL. But why do you fly into such a passion? she thought she was doing +right. + +ARG. You don’t know, darling, the wickedness of that villainous +baggage. She has altogether upset me, and I shall want more than eight +different mixtures and twelve injections to remedy the evil. + +BEL. Come, come, my dearie, compose yourself a little. + +ARG. Lovey, you are my only consolation. + +BEL. Poor little pet! + +ARG. To repay you for all the love you have for me, my darling, I +will, as I told you, make my will. + +BEL. Ah, my soul! do not let us speak of that, I beseech you. I +cannot bear to think of it, and the very word “will” makes me die of +grief. + +ARG. I had asked you to speak to our notary about it. + +BEL. There he is, close at hand; I have brought him with me. + +ARG. Make him come in then, my life! + +BEL. Alas! my darling, when a woman loves her husband so much, she +finds it almost impossible to think of these things. + + +SCENE IX.—MR. DE BONNEFOI, BÉLINE, ARGAN. + +ARG. Come here, Mr. de Bonnefoi, come here. Take a seat, if you +please. My wife tells me, Sir, that you are a very honest man, and +altogether one of her friends; I have therefore asked her to speak to +you about a will which I wish to make. + +BEL. Alas! I cannot speak of those things. + +MR. DE BON. She has fully explained to me your intentions, Sir, and +what you mean to do for her. But I have to tell you that you can give +nothing to your wife by will. + +ARG. But why so? + +MR. DE BON. It is against custom. If you were in a district where +statute law prevailed, the thing could be done; but in Paris, and in +almost all places governed by custom, it cannot be done; and the will +would be held void. The only settlement that man and wife can make on +each other is by mutual donation while they are alive, and even then +there must be no children from either that marriage or from any +previous marriage at the decease of the first who dies. + +ARG. It’s a very impertinent custom that a husband can leave nothing +to a wife whom he loves, by whom he is tenderly loved, and who takes +so much care of him. I should like to consult my own advocate to see +what I can do. + +MR. DE BON. It is not to an advocate that you must apply; for they are +very particular on this point and think it a great crime to bestow +one’s property contrary to the law. They are people to make +difficulties, and are ignorant of the bylaws of conscience. There are +others whom you may consult with advantage on that point, and who have +expedients for gently overriding the law, and for rendering just that +which is not allowed. These know how to smooth over the difficulties +of an affair, and to find the means of eluding custom by some indirect +advantage. Without that, what would become of us every day? We must +make things easy; otherwise we should do nothing, and I wouldn’t give +a penny for our business. + +ARG. My wife had rightly told me, Sir, that you were a very clever and +honest man. What can I do, pray, to give her my fortune and deprive my +children of it? + +MR. DE BON. What you can do? You can discreetly choose a friend of +your wife, to whom you will give all you own in due form by your will, +and that friend will give it up to her afterwards; or else you can +sign a great many safe bonds in favour of various creditors who will +lend their names to your wife, and in whose hands they will leave a +declaration that what was done was only to serve her. You can also in +your lifetime put in her hands ready money and bills which you can +make payable to bearer. + +BEL. Alas! you must not trouble yourself about all that. If I lose +you, my child, I will stay no longer in the world. + +ARG. My darling! + +BEL. Yes, my pet, if I were unfortunate enough to lose you.... + +ARG. My dear wifey! + +BEL. Life would be nothing to me. + +ARG. My love! + +BEL. And I would follow you to the grave, to show you all the +tenderness I feel for you. + +ARG. You will break my heart, deary; comfort yourself, I beseech you. + +MR. DE BON. (_to_ BÉLINE). These tears are unseasonable; things +have not come to that yet. + +BEL. Ah, Sir! you don’t know what it is to have a husband one loves +tenderly. + +ARG. All the regret I shall have, if I die, my darling, will be to +have no child from you. Mr. Purgon told me he would make me have one. + +MR. DE BON. That may come still. + +ARG. I must make my will, deary, according to what this gentleman +advises; but, out of precaution, I will give you the twenty thousand +francs in gold which I have in the wainscoting of the recess of my +room, and two bills payable to bearer which are due to me, one from +Mr. Damon, the other from Mr. Géronte. + +BEL. No, no! I will have nothing to do with all that. Ah! How much do +you say there is in the recess? + +ARG. Twenty thousand francs, darling. + +BEL. Don’t speak to me of your money, I beseech you. Ah! How much are +the two bills for? + +ARG. One, my love, is for four thousand francs, and the other for six +thousand. + +BEL. All the wealth in the world, my soul, is nothing to me compared +to you. + +MR. DE BON. (_to_ ARGAN). Shall we draw up the will? + +ARG. Yes, Sir. But we shall be more comfortable in my own little +study. Help me, my love. + +BEL. Come, my poor, dear child. + + +SCENE X.—ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE. + +TOI. They are shut up with the notary, and I heard something about a +will; your mother-in-law doesn’t go to sleep; it is, no doubt, some +conspiracy of hers against your interests to which she is urging your +father. + +ANG. Let him dispose of his money as he likes, as long as he does not +dispose of my heart in the same way. You see, Toinette, to what +violence it is subjected. Do not forsake me, I beseech you, in this my +extremity. + +TOI. I forsake you! I had rather die. In vain does your stepmother try +to take me into her confidence, and make me espouse her interests. I +never could like her, and I have always been on your side. Trust me, I +will do every thing to serve you. But, in order to serve you more +effectually, I shall change my tactics, hide my wish to help you, and +affect to enter into the feelings of your father and your stepmother. + +ANG. Try, I beseech you, to let Cléante know about the marriage they +have decided upon. + +TOI. I have nobody to employ for that duty but the old usurer +Punchinello, my lover; it will cost me a few honeyed words, which I +am most willing to spend for you. To-day it is too late for that, but +to-morrow morning early I will send for him, and he will be delighted +to.... + + +SCENE XI.—BÉLINE (_in the house_), ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE. + +BEL. Toinette. + +TOI. (_to_ ANGÉLIQUE). I am called away. Good night. Trust me. + + +FIRST INTERLUDE. + + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE I.—CLÉANTE, TOINETTE. + + +TOI. (_not recognising_ CLÉANTE). What is it you want, Sir? + +CLE. What do I want? + +TOI. Ah! ah! is it you? What a surprise! What are you coming here for? + +CLE. To learn my destiny, to speak to the lovely Angélique, to consult +the feelings of her heart, and to ask her what she means to do about +this fatal marriage of which I have been told. + +TOI. Very well; but no one speaks so easily as all that to Angélique; +you must take precautions, and you have been told how narrowly she is +watched. She never goes out, nor does she see anybody. It was through +the curiosity of an old aunt that we obtained leave to go to the play +where your love began, and we have taken good care not to say anything +about it. + +CLE. Therefore am I not here as Cléante, nor as her lover, but as the +friend of her music-master, from whom I have obtained leave to say +that I have come in his stead. + +TOI. Here is her father; withdraw a little, and let me tell him who +you are. + + +SCENE II.—ARGAN, TOINETTE. + +ARG. (_thinking himself alone_). Mr. Purgon told me that I was to +walk twelve times to and fro in my room every morning, but I forgot to +ask him whether it should be lengthways or across. + +TOI. Sir, here is a gentleman.... + +ARG. Speak in a lower tone, you jade; you split my head open; and you +forget that we should never speak so loud to sick people. + +TOI. I wanted to tell you, Sir.... + +ARG. Speak low, I tell you. + +TOI. Sir.... (_She moves her lips as if she were speaking._) + +ARG. What? + +TOI. I tell you that.... (_As before._) + +ARG. What is it you say? + +TOI. (_aloud_). I say that there is a gentleman here who wants to +speak to you. + +ARG. Let him come in. + + +SCENE III.—ARGAN, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE. + +CLE. Sir. + +TOI. (_to_ CLÉANTE). Do not speak so loud, for fear of splitting +open the head of Mr. Argan. + +CLE. Sir, I am delighted to find you up, and to see you better. + +TOI. (_affecting to be angry_). How! better? It is false; master +is always ill. + +CLE. I had heard that your master was better, and I think that he +looks well in the face. + +TOI. What do you mean by his looking well in the face? He looks very +bad, and it is only impertinent folks who say that he is better; he +never was so ill in his life. + +ARG. She is right. + +TOI. He walks, sleeps, eats, and drinks, like other folks, but that +does not hinder him from being very ill. + +ARG. Quite true. + +CLE. I am heartily sorry for it, Sir. I am sent by your daughter’s +music-master; he was obliged to go into the country for a few days, +and as I am his intimate friend, he has asked me to come here in his +place, to go on with the lessons, for fear that, if they were +discontinued, she should forget what she has already learnt. + +ARG. Very well. (To TOINETTE) Call Angélique. + +TOI. I think, Sir, It would be better to take the gentleman to her +room. + +ARG. No, make her come here. + +TOI. He cannot give her a good lesson if they are not left alone. + +ARG. Oh! yes, he can. + +TOI. Sir, it will stun you; and you should have nothing to disturb you +in the state of health you are in. + +ARG. No, no; I like music, and I should be glad to.... Ah! here she is. +(_To_ TOINETTE) Go and see if my wife is dressed. + + +SCENE IV.—ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE. + +ARG. Come, my daughter, your music-master is gone into the country, +and here is a person whom he sends instead, to give you your lesson. + +ANG. (_recognising_ CLÉANTE). O heavens! + +ARG. What is the matter? Why this surprise? + +ANG. It is.... + +ARG. What can disturb you in that manner? + +ANG. It is such a strange coincidence. + +ARG. How so? + +ANG. I dreamt last night that I was in the greatest trouble +imaginable, and that some one exactly like this gentleman came to me. +I asked him to help me, and presently he saved me from the great +trouble I was in. My surprise was very great to meet unexpectedly, on +my coming here, him of whom I had been dreaming all night. + +CLE. It is no small happiness to occupy your thoughts whether sleeping +or waking, and my delight would be great indeed if you were in any +trouble out of which you would think me worthy of delivering you. +There is nothing that I would not do for.... + + +SCENE V.—ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE. + +TOI. (_to_ ARGAN). Indeed, Sir, I am of your opinion now, and I +unsay all that I said yesterday. Here are Mr. Diafoirus the father, +and Mr. Diafoirus the son, who are coming to visit you. How well +provided with a son-in-law you will be! You will see the best-made +young fellow in the world, and the most intellectual. He said but two +words to me, it is true, but I was struck with them, and your daughter +will be delighted with him. + +ARG. (_to_ CLÉANTE, _who moves as if to go_). Do not go, +Sir. I am about, as you see, to marry my daughter, and they have just +brought her future husband, whom she has not as yet seen. + +CLE. You do me great honour, Sir, in wishing me to be witness of such +a pleasant interview. + +ARG. He is the son of a clever doctor, and the marriage will take +place in four days. + +CLE. Indeed! + +ARG. Please inform her music-master of it, that he may be at the +wedding. + +CLE. I will not fail to do so. + +ARG. And I invite you also. + +CLE. You do me too much honour. + +TOI. Come, make room; here they are. + + +SCENE VI.—MR. DIAFOIRUS, THOMAS DIAFOIRUS, ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, +TOINETTE, SERVANTS. + +ARG. (_putting up his hand to his night-cap without taking it +off_). Mr. Purgon has forbidden me to uncover my head. You belong +to the profession, and know what would be the consequence if I did so. + +MR. DIA. We are bound in all our visits to bring relief to invalids, +and not to injure them. + +(MR. ARGAN _and_ MR. DIAFOIRUS _speak at the same time_.) + +ARG. I receive, Sir.... + +MR. DIA. We come here, Sir.... + +ARG. With great joy.... + +MR. DIA. My son Thomas and myself.... + +ARG. The honour you do me.... + +MR. DIA. To declare to you, Sir.... + +ARG. And I wish.... + +MR. DIA. The delight we are in.... + +ARG. I could have gone to your house.... + +MR. DIA. At the favour you do us.... + +ARG. To assure you of it.... + +MR. DIA. In so kindly admitting us.... + +ARG. But you know, Sir.... + +MR. DIA. To the honour, Sir.... + +ARG. What it is to be a poor invalid.... + +MR. DIA. Of your alliance.... + +ARG. Who can only.... + +MR. DIA. And assure you.... + +ARG. Tell you here.... + +MR. DIA. That in all that depends on our knowledge.... + +ARG. That he will seize every opportunity.... + +MR. DIA. As well as in any other way.... + +ARG. To show you, Sir.... + +MR. DIA. That we shall ever be ready, Sir.... + +ARG. That he is entirely at your service.... + +MR. DIA. To show you our zeal. (_To his son_) Now, Thomas, come +forward, and pay your respects. + +T. DIA. (_to_ MR. DIAFOIRUS). Ought I not to begin with the +father? + +MR. DIA. Yes. + +T. DIA. (_to_ ARGAN). Sir, I come to salute, acknowledge, +cherish, and revere in you a second father; but a second father to +whom I owe more, I make bold to say, than to the first. The first gave +me birth; but you have chosen me. He received me by necessity, but you +have accepted me by choice. What I have from him is of the body, +corporal; what I hold from you is of the will, voluntary; and in so +much the more as the mental faculties are above the corporal, in so +much the more do I hold precious this future affiliation, for which I +come beforehand to-day to render you my most humble and most +respectful homage. + +TOI. Long life to the colleges which send such clever people into the +world! + +T. DIA. (_to_ MR. DIAFOIRUS). Has this been said to your +satisfaction, father? + +MR. DIA. _Optime_. + +ARG. (_to_ ANGÉLIQUE). Come, bow to this gentleman. + +T. DIA. (_to_ MR. DIAFOIRUS). Shall I kiss? + +MR. DIA. Yes, yes. + +T. DIA. (_to_ ANGÉLIQUE). Madam, it is with justice that heaven +has given you the name of stepmother, since we see in you steps +towards the perfect beauty which....[2] + +ARG. (_to_ THOMAS DIAFOIRUS). It is not to my wife, but to my +daughter, that you are speaking. + +T. DIA. Where is she? + +ARG. She will soon come. + +T. DIA. Shall I wait, father, till she comes? + +MR. DIA. No; go through your compliments to the young lady in the +meantime. + +T. DIA. Madam, as the statue of Memnon gave forth a harmonious sound +when it was struck by the first rays of the sun, in like manner do I +experience a sweet rapture at the apparition of this sun of your +beauty. As the naturalists remark that the flower styled heliotrope +always turns towards the star of day, so will my heart for ever turn +towards the resplendent stars of your adorable eyes as to its only +pole. Suffer me, then, Madam, to make to-day on the altar of your +charms the offering of a heart which longs for and is ambitious of no +greater glory than to be till death, Madam, your most humble, most +obedient, most faithful servant and husband. + +TOI. Ah! See what it is to study, and how one learns to say fine +things! + +ARG. (_to_ CLÉANTE). Well! what do you say to that? + +CLE. The gentleman does wonders, and if he is as good a doctor as he +is an orator, it will be most pleasant to be one of his patients. + +TOI. Certainly, it will be something admirable if his cures are as +wonderful as his speeches. + +ARG. Now, quick, my chair; and seats for everybody. (_Servants bring +chairs._) Sit down here, my daughter. (_To_ MR. DIAFOIRUS) You +see, Sir, that everybody admires your son; and I think you very +fortunate in being the father of such a fine young man. + +MR. DIA. Sir, it is not because I am his father, but I can boast that +I have reason to be satisfied with him, and that all those who see him +speak of him as of a youth without guile. He has not a very lively +imagination, nor that sparkling wit which is found in some others; but +it is this which has always made me augur well of his judgment, a +quality required for the exercise of our art. As a child he never was +what is called sharp or lively. He was always gentle, peaceful, +taciturn, never saying a word, and never playing at any of those +little pastimes that we call children’s games. It was found most +difficult to teach him to read, and he was nine years old before he +knew his letters. A good omen, I used to say to myself; trees slow of +growth bear the best fruit. We engrave on marble with much more +difficulty than on sand, but the result is more lasting; and that +dulness of apprehension, that heaviness of imagination, is a mark of a +sound judgment in the future. When I sent him to college, he found it +hard work, but he stuck to his duty, and bore up with obstinacy +against all difficulties. His tutors always praised him for his +assiduity and the trouble he took. In short, by dint of continual +hammering, he at last succeeded gloriously in obtaining his degree; +and I can say, without vanity, that from that time till now there has +been no candidate who has made more noise than he in all the +disputations of our school. There he has rendered himself formidable, +and no debate passes but he goes and argues loudly and to the last +extreme on the opposite side. He is firm in dispute, strong as a Turk +in his principles, never changes his opinion, and pursues an argument +to the last recesses of logic. But, above all things, what pleases me +in him, and what I am glad to see him follow my example in, is that he +is blindly attached to the opinions of the ancients, and that he would +never understand nor listen to the reasons and the experiences of the +pretended discoveries of our century concerning the circulation of the +blood and other opinions of the same stamp.[3] + +T. DIA. (_pulling out of his pocket a long paper rolled up, and +presenting it to_ ANGÉLIQUE). I have upheld against these +circulators a thesis which, with the permission (_bowing to_ +ARGAN) of this gentleman, I venture to present to the young lady as +the first-fruits of my genius. + +ANG. Sir, it is a useless piece of furniture to me; I do not +understand these things. + +TOI. (_taking the paper_). Never mind; give it all the same; the +picture will be of use, and we will adorn our attic with it. + +T. DIA. (_again bowing to_ ANGÉLIQUE). With the permission of +this gentleman, I invite you to come one of these days to amuse +yourself by assisting at the dissection of a woman upon whose body I +am to give lectures. + +TOI. The treat will be most welcome. There are some who give the +pleasure of seeing a play to their lady-love; but a dissection is much +more gallant. + +MR. DIA. Moreover, in respect to the qualities required for marriage, +I assure you that he is all you could wish, and that his children will +be strong and healthy. + +ARG. Do you not intend, Sir, to push his way at court, and obtain for +him the post of physician there? + +MR. DIA. To tell you the truth, I have never had any predilection to +practice with the great; it never seemed pleasant to me, and I have +found that it is better for us to confine ourselves to the ordinary +public. Ordinary people are more convenient; you are accountable to +nobody for your actions, and as long as you follow the common rules +laid down by the faculty, there is no necessity to trouble yourself +about the result. What is vexatious among people of rank is that, when +they are ill, they positively expect their doctor to cure them. + +TOI. How very absurd! How impertinent of them to ask of you doctors to +cure them! You are not placed near them for that, but only to receive +your fees and to prescribe remedies. It is their own look-out to get +well if they can. + +MR. DIA. Quite so. We are only bound to treat people according to +form. + +ARG. (_to_ CLÉANTE). Sir, please make my daughter sing before the +company. + +CLE. I was waiting for your commands, Sir; and I propose, in order to +amuse the company, to sing with the young lady an operetta which has +lately come out. (_To_ ANGÉLIQUE, _giving her a paper_) There is +your part. + +ANG. Mine? + +CLE. (_aside to_ ANGÉLIQUE). Don’t refuse, pray; but let me +explain to you what is the scene we must sing. (_Aloud_) I have +no voice; but in this case it is sufficient if I make myself +understood; and you must have the goodness to excuse me, because I am +under the necessity of making the young lady sing. + +ARG. Are the verses pretty? + +CLE. It is really nothing but a small extempore opera, and what you +will hear is only rhythmical prose or a kind of irregular verse, such +as passion and necessity make two people utter. + +ARG. Very well; let us hear. + +CLE. The subject of the scene is as follows. A shepherd was paying +every attention to the beauties of a play, when he was disturbed by a +noise close to him, and on turning round he saw a scoundrel who, with +insolent language, was annoying a young shepherdess. He immediately +espoused the cause of a sex to which all men owe homage; and after +having chastised the brute for his insolence, he came near the +shepherdess to comfort her. He sees a young girl with the most +beautiful eyes he has ever beheld, who is shedding tears which he +thinks the most precious in the world. Alas! says he to himself, can +any one be capable of insulting such charms? Where is the unfeeling +wretch, the barbarous man to be found who will not feel touched by +such tears? He endeavours to stop those beautiful tears, and the +lovely shepherdess takes the opportunity of thanking him for the +slight service he has rendered her. But she does it in a manner so +touching, so tender, and so passionate that the shepherd cannot resist +it, and each word, each look is a burning shaft which penetrates his +heart. Is there anything in the world worthy of such thanks? and what +will not one do, what service and what danger will not one be +delighted to run to attract upon oneself even for a moment the +touching sweetness of so grateful a heart? The whole play was acted +without his paying any more attention to it; yet he complains that it +was too short, since the end separates him from his lovely +shepherdess. From that moment, from that first sight, he carries away +with him a love which has the strength of a passion of many years. He +now feels all the pangs of absence, and is tormented in no longer +seeing what he beheld for so short a time. He tries every means to +meet again with a sight so dear to him, and the remembrance of which +pursues him day and night. But the great watch which is kept over his +shepherdess deprives him of all the power of doing so. The violence of +his passion urges him to ask in marriage the adorable beauty without +whom he can no longer live, and he obtains from her the permission of +doing so, by means of a note that he has succeeded in sending to her. +But he is told in the meantime that the father of her whom he loves +has decided upon marrying her to another, and that everything is being +got ready to celebrate the wedding. Judge what a cruel wound for the +heart of that poor shepherd! Behold him suffering from this mortal +blow; he cannot bear the dreadful idea of seeing her he loves in the +arms of another; and in his despair he finds the means of introducing +himself into the house of his shepherdess, in order to learn her +feelings and to hear from her the fate he must expect. There he sees +everything ready for what he fears; he sees the unworthy rival whom +the caprice of a father opposes to the tenderness of his love; he sees +that ridiculous rival triumphant near the lovely shepherdess, as if +already assured of his conquest. Such a sight fills him with a wrath +he can hardly master. He looks despairingly at her whom he adores, but +the respect he has for her and the presence of her father prevent him +from speaking except with his eyes. At last he breaks through all +restraint, and the greatness of his love forces him to speak as +follows. + +(_He sings_.) + + Phyllis, too sharp a pain you bid me bear; + Break this stern silence, tell me what to fear; + Disclose your thoughts, and bid them open lie + To tell me if I live or die. + +ANG. + The marriage preparations sadden me. + O’erwhelmed with sorrow, + My eyes I lift to heaven; I strive to pray, + Then gaze on you and sigh. No more I say. + +CLE. + Tircis, who fain would woo, + Tell him, Phyllis, is it true, + Is he so blest by your sweet grace + As in your heart to find a place? + +ANG. + I may not hide it, in this dire extreme, + Tircis, I own for you my love.... + +CLE. + O blessed words! am I indeed so blest? + Repeat them, Phyllis; set my doubts at rest. + +ANG. + I love you, Tircis! + +CLE. + Ah! Phyllis, once again. + +ANG. + I love you, Tircis! + +CLE. + Alas! I fain + A hundred times would hearken to that strain. + +ANG. + I love you! I love you! + Tircis, I love you! + +CLE. + Ye kings and gods who, from your eternal seat, + Behold the world of men beneath your feet, + Can you possess a happiness more sweet? + My Phyllis! one dark haunting fear + Our peaceful joy disturbs unsought; + A rival may my homage share. + +ANG. + Ah! worse than death is such a thought! + Its presence equal torment is + To both, and mars my bliss. + +CLE. Your father to his vow would subject you. + +ANG. Ah! welcome death before I prove untrue. + +ARG. And what does the father say to all that? + +CLE. Nothing. + +ARG. Then that father is a fool to put up with those silly things, +without saying a word! + +CLE. (_trying to go on singing_). + Ah! my love.... + +ARG. No; no; that will do. An opera like that is in very bad taste. +The shepherd Tircis is an impertinent fellow, and the shepherdess +Phyllis an impudent girl to speak in that way in the presence of her +father. (_To_ ANGÉLIQUE) Show me that paper. Ah! ah! and where +are the words that you have just sung? This is only the music. + +CLE. Are you not aware, Sir, that the way of writing the words with +the notes themselves has been lately discovered? + +ARG. Has it? Good-bye for the present. We could have done very well +without your impertinent opera. + +CLE. I thought I should amuse you. + +ARG. Foolish things do not amuse, Sir. Ah! here is my wife. + + +SCENE VII.—BÉLINE, ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, MR. DIAFOIRUS, T. DIAFOIRUS, +TOINETTE. + +ARG. My love, here is the son of Mr. Diafoirus. + +T. DIA. Madam, it is with justice that heaven has given you the title +of stepmother, since we see in you steps.... + +BEL. Sir, I am delighted to have come here just in time to see you. + +T. DIA. Since we see in you ... since we see in you.... Madam, you +have interrupted me in the middle of my period, and have troubled my +memory. + +MR. DIA. Keep it for another time. + +ARG. I wish, my dear, that you had been here just now. + +TOI. Ah! Madam, how much you have lost by not being at the second +father, the statue of Memnon, and the flower styled heliotrope. + +ARG. Come, my daughter, shake hands with this gentleman, and pledge +him your troth. + +ANG. Father! + +ARG. Well? What do you mean by “Father”? + +ANG. I beseech you not to be in such a hurry; give us time to become +acquainted with each other, and to see grow in us that sympathy so +necessary to a perfect union. + +T. DIA. As far as I am concerned, Madam, it is already full-grown +within me, and there is no occasion for me to wait. + +ANG. I am not so quick as you are, Sir, and I must confess that your +merit has not yet made enough impression on my heart. + +ARG. Oh! nonsense! There will be time enough for the impression to be +made after you are married. + +ANG. Ah! my father, give me time, I beseech you! Marriage is a chain +which should never be imposed by force. And if this gentleman is a man +of honour, he ought not to accept a person who would be his only by +force. + +T. DIA. _Nego consequentiam._ I can be a man of honour, Madam, +and at the same time accept you from the hands of your father. + +ANG. To do violence to any one is a strange way of setting about +inspiring love. + +T. DIA. We read in the ancients, Madam, that it was their custom to +carry off by main force from their father’s house the maiden they +wished to marry, so that the latter might not seem to fly of her own +accord into the arms of a man. + +ANG. The ancients, Sir, are the ancients; but we are the moderns. +Pretences are not necessary in our age; and when a marriage pleases +us, we know very well how to go to it without being dragged by force. +Have a little patience; if you love me, Sir, you ought to do what I +wish. + +T. DIA. Certainly, Madam, but without prejudice to the interest of my +love. + +ANG. But the greatest mark of love is to submit to the will of her who +is loved. + +T. DIA. _Distinguo_, Madam. In what does not regard the +possession of her, _concedo_; but in what regards it, +_nego_. + +TOI. (to ANGÉLIQUE). It is in vain for you to argue. This gentleman is +bran new from college, and will be more than a match for you. Why +resist, and refuse the glory of belonging to the faculty? + +BEL. She may have some other inclination in her head. + +ANG. If I had, Madam, it would be such as reason and honour allow. + +ARG. Heyday! I am acting a pleasant part here! + +BEL. If I were you, my child, I would not force her to marry; I know +very well what I should do. + +ANG. I know what you mean, Madam, and how kind you are to me; but it +may be hoped that your advice may not be fortunate enough to be +followed. + +BEL. That is because well-brought-up and good children, like you, +scorn to be obedient to the will of their fathers. Obedience was all +very well in former times. + +ANG. The duty of a daughter has its limits, Madam, and neither reason +nor law extend it to all things. + +BEL. Which means that your thoughts are all in favour of marriage, but +that you will choose a husband for yourself. + +ANG. If my father will not give me a husband I like, at least I +beseech him not to force me to marry one I can never love. + +ARG. Gentlemen, I beg your pardon for all this. + +ANG. We all have our own end in marrying. For my part, as I only want +a husband that I can love sincerely, and as I intend to consecrate my +whole life to him, I feel bound, I confess, to be cautious. There are +some who marry simply to free themselves from the yoke of their +parents, and to be at liberty to do all they like. There are others, +Madam, who see in marriage only a matter of mere interest; who marry +only to get a settlement, and to enrich themselves by the death of +those they marry. They pass without scruple from husband to husband, +with an eye to their possessions. These, no doubt, Madam, are not so +difficult to satisfy, and care little what the husband is like. + +BEL. You are very full of reasoning to-day. I wonder what you mean by +this. + +ANG. I, Madam? What can I mean but what I say? + +BEL. You are such a simpleton, my dear, that one can hardly bear with +you. + +ANG. You would like to extract from me some rude answer; but I warn +you that you will not have the pleasure of doing so. + +BEL. Nothing can equal your impertinence. + +ANG. It is of no use, Madam; you will not. + +BEL. And you have a ridiculous pride, an impertinent presumption, +which makes you the scorn of everybody. + +ANG. All this will be useless, Madam. I shall be quiet in spite of +you; and to take away from you all hope of succeeding in what you +wish, I will withdraw from your presence. + + +SCENE VIII.—ARGAN, BÉLINE, MR. DIAFOIRUS, T. DIAFOIRUS, TOINETTE. + +ARG. (_to_ ANGÉLIQUE, _as she goes away_). Listen to me! Of +two things, one. Either you will marry this gentleman or you will go +into a convent. I give you four days to consider. (_To_ BÉLINE) +Don’t be anxious; I will bring her to reason. + +BEL. I am sorry to leave you, my child; but I have some important +business which calls me to town. I shall soon be back. + +ARG. Go, my darling; call upon the notary, and tell him to be quick +about you know what. + +BEL. Good-bye, my child. + +ARG. Good-bye, deary. + + +SCENE IX.—ARGAN, MR. DIAFOIRUS, T. DIAFOIRUS, TOINETTE. + +ARG. How much this woman loves me; it is perfectly incredible. + +MR. DIA. We shall now take our leave of you, Sir. + +ARG. I beg of you, Sir, to tell me how I am. + +MR. DIA. (_feeling_ ARGAN’S _pulse_). Now, Thomas, take the +other arm of the gentleman, so that I may see whether you can form a +right judgment on his pulse. _Quid dicis?_ + +T. DIA. _Dico_ that the pulse of this gentleman is the pulse of a +man who is not well. + +MR. DIA. Good. + +T. DIA. That it is _duriusculus_, not to say _durus_. + +MR. DIA. Very well. + +T. DIA. Irregular. + +MR. DIA. _Bene._ + +T. DIA. And even a little caprizant. + +MR. DIA. _Optime._ + +T. DIA. Which speaks of an intemperance in the splenetic +_parenchyma_; that is to say, the spleen. + +MR. DIA. Quite right. + +ARG. It cannot be, for Mr. Purgon says that it is my liver which is +out of order. + +MR. DIA. Certainly; he who says _parenchyma_ says both one and +the other, because of the great sympathy which exists between them +through the means of the _vas breve_, of the _pylorus_, and +often of the _meatus choledici_. He no doubt orders you to eat +plenty of roast-meat. + +ARG. No; nothing but boiled meat. + +MR. DIA. Yes, yes; roast or boiled, it is all the same; he orders very +wisely, and you could not have fallen into better hands. + +ARG. Sir, tell me how many grains of salt I ought to put to an egg? + +MR. DIA. Six, eight, ten, by even numbers; just as in medicines by odd +numbers. + +ARG. Good-bye, Sir; I hope soon to have the pleasure of seeing you +again. + + +SCENE X.—BÉLINE, ARGAN. + +BEL. Before I go out, I must inform you of one thing you must be +careful about. While passing before Angélique’s door, I saw with her a +young man, who ran away as soon as he noticed me. + +ARG. A young man with my daughter! + +BEL. Yes; your little girl Louison, who was with them, will tell you +all about it. + +ARG. Send her here, my love, send her here at once. Ah! the brazen-faced +girl! (_Alone_.) I no longer wonder at the resistance she showed. + + +SCENE XI.—ARGAN, LOUISON. + +LOU. What do you want, papa? My step-mamma told me to come to you. + +ARG. Yes; come here. Come nearer. Turn round, and hold up your head. +Look straight at me. Well? + +LOU. What, papa? + +ARG. So? + +LOU. What? + +ARG. Have you nothing to say to me? + +LOU. Yes. I will, to amuse you, tell you, if you like, the story of +the Ass’s Skin or the fable of the Fox and the Crow, which I have +learnt lately. + +ARG. That is not what I want of you. + +LOU. What is it then? + +ARG. Ah! cunning little girl, you know very well what I mean. + +LOU. No indeed, papa. + +ARG. Is that the way you obey me? + +LOU. What, papa? + +ARG. Have I not asked you to tell me at once all you see? + +LOU. Yes, papa. + +ARG. Have you done so? + +LOU. Yes, papa. I always come and tell you all I see. + +ARG. And have you seen nothing to-day? + +LOU. No, papa. + +ARG. No? + +LOU. No, papa. + +ARG. Quite sure? + +LOU. Quite sure. + +ARG. Ah! indeed! I will make you see something soon. + +LOU. (_seeing_ ARGAN _take a rod_). Ah! papa! + +ARG. Ah! ah! false little girl; you do not tell me that you saw a man +in your sister’s room! + +LOU. (_crying_). Papa! + +ARG. (_taking_ LOUISON _by the arm_). This will teach you to +tell falsehoods. + +LOU. (_throwing herself on her knees_). Ah! my dear papa! pray +forgive me. My sister had asked me not to say anything to you, but I +will tell you everything. + +ARG. First you must have a flogging for having told an untruth, then +we will see to the rest. + +LOU. Forgive me, papa, forgive me! + +ARG. No, no! + +LOU. My dear papa, don’t whip me. + +ARG. Yes, you shall be whipped. + +LOU. For pity’s sake! don’t whip me, papa. + +ARG. (_going to whip her_). Come, come. + +LOU. Ah! papa, you have hurt me; I am dead! (_She feigns to be +dead._) + +ARG. How, now! What does this mean? Louison! Louison! Ah! heaven! +Louison! My child! Ah! wretched father! My poor child is dead! What +have I done? Ah! villainous rod! A curse on the rod! Ah! my poor +child! My dear little Louison! + +LOU. Come, come, dear papa; don’t weep so. I am not quite dead yet. + +ARG. Just see the cunning little wench. Well! I forgive you this once, +but you must tell me everything. + +LOU. Oh yes, dear papa. + +ARG. Be sure you take great care, for here is my little finger that +knows everything, and it will tell me if you don’t speak the truth. + +LOU. But, papa, you won’t tell sister that I told you. + +ARG. No, no. + +LOU. (_after having listened to see if any one can hear_). Papa, +a young man came into sister’s room while I was there. + +ARG. Well? + +LOU. I asked him what he wanted; he said that he was her music-master. + +ARG. (_aside_). Hm! hm! I see. (_To_ LOUISON) Well? + +LOU. Then sister came. + +ARG. Well? + +LOU. She said to him, “Go away, go away, go. Good heavens! you will +drive me to despair.” + +ARG. Well? + +LOU. But he would not go away. + +ARG. What did he say to her? + +LOU. Oh! ever so many things. + +ARG. But what? + +LOU. He told her this, and that, and the other; that he loved her +dearly; that she was the most beautiful person in the world. + +ARG. And then, after? + +LOU. Then he knelt down before her. + +ARG. And then? + +LOU. Then he kept on kissing her hands. + +ARG. And then? + +LOU. Then my mamma came to the door, and, he escaped. + +ARG. Nothing else? + +LOU. No, dear papa. + +ARG. Here is my little finger, which says something though. +(_Putting his finger up to his ear._) Wait. Stay, eh? ah! ah! +Yes? oh! oh! here is my little finger, which says that there is +something you saw, and which you do not tell me. + +LOU. Ah! papa, your little finger is a story-teller. + +ARG. Take care. + +LOU. No, don’t believe him; he tells a story, I assure you. + +ARG. Oh! Well, well; we will see to that. Go away now, and pay great +attention to what you see. (_Alone._) Ah! children are no longer +children nowadays! What trouble! I have not even enough leisure to +attend to my illness. I am quite done up. (_He falls down into his +chair._) + + +SCENE XII.—BÉRALDE, ARGAN. + +BER. Well, brother! What is the matter? How are you? + +ARG. Ah! very bad, brother; very bad. + +BER. How is that? + +ARG. No one would believe how very feeble I am. + +BER. That’s a sad thing, indeed. + +ARG. I have hardly enough strength to speak. + +BER. I came here, brother, to propose a match for my niece, Angélique. + +ARG. (_in a rage, speaking with great fury, and starting up from his +chair_). Brother, don’t speak to me of that wicked, good-for-nothing, +insolent, brazen-faced girl. I will put her in a convent before two days +are over. + +BER. Ah! all right! I am glad to see that you have a little strength +still left, and that my visit does you good. Well, well, we will talk +of business by-and-by. I have brought you an entertainment, which will +dissipate your melancholy, and will dispose you better for what we +have to talk about. They are gipsies dressed in Moorish clothes. They +perform some dances mixed with songs, which, I am sure, you will like, +and which will be as good as a prescription from Mr. Purgon. Come +along. + + + + +SECOND INTERLUDE. + +MEN _and_ WOMEN (_dressed as Moors_). + + +FIRST MOORISH WOMAN. + When blooms the spring of life, + The golden harvest reap. + Waste not your years in bootless strife, + Till age upon your bodies creep. + But now, when shines the kindly light, + Give up your soul to love’s delight. + + No touch of sweetest joy + This longing heart can know, + No bliss without alloy + When love does silent show. + + Then up, ye lads and lasses gay! + The spring of life is fair; + Cloud not these hours with care, + For love must win the day. + + Beauty fades, + Years roll by, + Lowering shades + Obscure the sky. + And joys so sweet of yore + Shall charm us then no more. + + Then up, ye lads and lasses gay! + The spring of life is fair; + Cloud not these hours with care, + For love must win the day. + + +_First Entry of the_ BALLET. + +2ND MOORISH WOMAN. + They bid us love, they bid us woo, + Why seek delay? + To tender sighs and kisses too + In youth’s fair day, + Our hearts are but too true. + + The sweetest charms has Cupid’s spell. + No sooner felt, the ready heart + His conquered self would yield him well + Ere yet the god had winged his dart. + But yet the tale we often hear + Of tears and sorrows keen, + To share in them, I ween, + Though sweet, would make us fear! + +3RD MOORISH WOMAN. + To love a lover true, + In youth’s kind day, I trow, + Is pleasant task enow; + But think how we must rue + If he inconstant show! + +4TH MOORISH WOMAN. + The loss of lover false to me + But trifling grief would be, + Yet this is far the keenest smart + That he had stol’n away our heart. + +2ND MOORISH WOMAN. + What then shall we do + Whose hearts are so young? + +4TH MOORISH WOMAN. + Though cruel his laws, + Attended by woes, + Away with your arms, + Submit to his charms! + +TOGETHER. + His whims ye must follow, + His transports though fleet, + His pinings too sweet + Though often comes sorrow, + The thousand delights + The wounds of his darts + Still charm all the hearts. + + * * * * * + + + + +ACT III. + +SCENE I.—BÉRALDE, ARGAN, TOINETTE. + + +BER. Well, brother, what do you say to that? Isn’t it as good as a +dose of cassia? + +TOI. Oh! good cassia is a very good thing, Sir. + +BER. Now, shall we have a little chat together. + +ARG. Wait a moment, brother, I’ll be back directly. + +TOI. Here, Sir; you forget that you cannot get about without a stick. + +ARG. Ay, to be sure. + + +SCENE II.—BÉRALDE, TOINETTE. + +TOI. Pray, do not give up the interest of your niece. + +BER. No, I shall do all in my power to forward her wishes. + +TOI. We must prevent this foolish marriage which he has got into his +head, from taking place. And I thought to myself that it would be a +good thing to introduce a doctor here, having a full understanding of +our wishes, to disgust him with his Mr. Purgon, and abuse his mode of +treating him. But as we have nobody to act that part for us, I have +decided upon playing him a trick of my own. + +BER. In what way? + +TOI. It is rather an absurd idea, and it may be more fortunate than +good. But act your own part. Here is our man. + + +SCENE III.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE. + +BER. Let me ask you, brother, above all things not to excite yourself +during our conversation. + +ARG. I agree. + +BER. To answer without anger to anything I may mention. + +ARG. Very well. + +BER. And to reason together upon the business I want to discuss with +you without any irritation. + +ARG. Dear me! Yes. What a preamble! + +BER. How is it, brother, that, with all the wealth you possess, and +with only one daughter—for I do not count the little one—you speak +of sending her to a convent? + +ARG. How is it, brother, that I am master of my family, and that I can +do all I think fit? + +BER. Your wife doesn’t fail to advise you to get rid, in that way, of +your two daughters; and I have no doubt that, through a spirit of +charity, she would be charmed to see them both good nuns. + +ARG. Oh, I see! My poor wife again! It is she who does all the harm, +and everybody is against her. + +BER. No, brother; let us leave that alone. She is a woman with the +best intentions in the world for the good of your family, and is free +from all interested motives. She expresses for you the most +extraordinary tenderness, and shows towards your children an +inconceivable goodness. No, don’t let us speak of her, but only of +your daughter. What can be your reason for wishing to give her in +marriage to the sort of a doctor? + +ARG. My reason is that I wish to have a son-in-law who will suit my +wants. + +BER. But it is not what your daughter requires, and we have a more +suitable match for her. + +ARG. Yes; but this one is more suitable for me. + +BER. But does she marry a husband for herself or for you, brother? + +ARG. He must do both for her and for me, brother; and I wish to take +into my family people of whom I have need. + +BER. So that, if your little girl were old enough, you would give her +to an apothecary? + +ARG. Why not? + +BER. Is it possible that you should always be so infatuated with your +apothecaries and doctors, and be so determined to be ill, in spite of +men and nature? + +ARG. What do you mean by that, brother? + +BER. I mean, brother, that I know of no man less sick than you, and +that I should be quite satisfied with a constitution no worse than +yours. One great proof that you are well, and that you have a body +perfectly well made, is that with all the pains you have taken, you +have failed as yet in injuring the soundness of your constitution, and +that you have not died of all the medicine they have made you swallow. + +ARG. But are you aware, brother, that it is these medicines which keep +me in good health? Mr. Purgon says that I should go off if he were but +three days without taking care of me. + +BER. If you are not careful, he will take such care of you that he +will soon send you into the next world. + +ARG. But let us reason together, brother; don’t you believe at all in +medicine? + +BER. No, brother; and I do not see that it is necessary for our +salvation to believe in it. + +ARG. What! Do you not hold true a thing acknowledged by everybody, and +revered throughout all ages? + +BER. Between ourselves, far from thinking it true, I look upon it as +one of the greatest follies which exist among men; and to consider +things from a philosophical point of view, I don’t know of a more +absurd piece of mummery, of anything more ridiculous, than a man who +takes upon himself to cure another man. + +ARG. Why will you not believe that a man can cure another? + +BER. For the simple reason, brother, that the springs of our machines +are mysteries about which men are as yet completely in the dark, and +nature has put too thick a veil before our eyes for us to know +anything about it. + +ARG. Then, according to you, the doctors know nothing at all. + +BER. Oh yes, brother. Most of them have some knowledge of the best +classics, can talk fine Latin, can give a Greek name to every disease, +can define and distinguish them; but as to curing these diseases, +that’s out of the question. + +ARG. Still, you must agree to this, that doctors know more than +others. + +BER. They know, brother, what I have told you; and that does not +effect many cures. All the excellency of their art consists in pompous +gibberish, in a specious babbling, which gives you words instead of +reasons, and promises instead of results. + +ARG. Still, brother, there exist men as wise and clever as you, and we +see that in cases of illness every one has recourse to the doctor. + +BER. It is a proof of human weakness, and not of the truth of their +art. + +ARG. Still, doctors must believe in their art, since they make use of +it for themselves. + +BER. It is because some of them share the popular error by which they +themselves profit, while others profit by it without sharing it. Your +Mr. Purgon has no wish to deceive; he is a thorough doctor from head +to foot, a man who believes in his rules more than in all the +demonstrations of mathematics, and who would think it a crime to +question them. He sees nothing obscure in physic, nothing doubtful, +nothing difficult, and through an impetuous prepossession, an +obstinate confidence, a coarse common sense and reason, orders right +and left purgatives and bleedings, and hesitates at nothing. We must +bear him no ill-will for the harm he does us; it is with the best +intentions in the world that he will send you into the next world, and +in killing you he will do no more than he has done to his wife and +children, and than he would do to himself, if need be.[4] + +ARG. It is because you have a spite against him. But let us come to +the point. What is to be done when one is ill? + +BER. Nothing, brother. + +ARG. Nothing? + +BER. Nothing. Only rest. Nature, when we leave her free, will herself +gently recover from the disorder into which she has fallen. It is our +anxiety, our impatience, which does the mischief, and most men die of +their remedies, and not of their diseases. + +ARG. Still you must acknowledge, brother, that we can in certain +things help nature. + +BER. Alas! brother; these are pure fancies, with which we deceive +ourselves. At all times, there have crept among men brilliant fancies +in which we believe, because they flatter us, and because it would be +well if they were true. When a doctor speaks to us of assisting, +succouring nature, of removing what is injurious to it, of giving it +what it is defective in, of restoring it, and giving back to it the +full exercise of its functions, when he speaks of purifying the blood, +of refreshing the bowels and the brain, of correcting the spleen, of +rebuilding the lungs, of renovating the liver, of fortifying the +heart, of re-establishing and keeping up the natural heat, and of +possessing secrets wherewith to lengthen life of many years—he +repeats to you the romance of physic. But when you test the truth of +what he has promised to you, you find that it all ends in nothing; it +is like those beautiful dreams which only leave you in the morning the +regret of having believed in them. + +ARG. Which means that all the knowledge of the world is contained in +your brain, and that you think you know more than all the great +doctors of our age put together. + +BER. When you weigh words and actions, your great doctors are two +different kinds of people. Listen to their talk, they are the +cleverest people in the world; see them at work, and they are the most +ignorant. + +ARG. Heyday! You are a great doctor, I see, and I wish that some one +of those gentlemen were here to take up your arguments and to check +your babble. + +BER. I do not take upon myself, brother, to fight against physic; and +every one at their own risk and peril may believe what he likes. What +I say is only between ourselves; and I should have liked, in order to +deliver you from the error into which you have fallen, and in order to +amuse you, to take you to see some of Molière’s comedies on this +subject. + +ARG. Your Molière is a fine impertinent fellow with his comedies! I +think it mightily pleasant of him to go and take off honest people +like the doctors. + +BER. It is not the doctors themselves that he takes off, but the +absurdity of medicine. + +ARG. It becomes him well, truly, to control the faculty! He’s a nice +simpleton, and a nice impertinent fellow to laugh at consultations and +prescriptions, to attack the body of physicians, and to bring on his +stage such venerable people as those gentlemen. + +BER. What would you have him bring there but the different professions +of men? Princes and kings are brought there every day, and they are of +as good a stock as your physicians. + +ARG. No, by all the devils! if I were a physician, I would be revenged +of his impertinence, and when he falls ill, I would let him die +without relief. In vain would he beg and pray. I would not prescribe +for him the least little bleeding, the least little injection, and I +would tell him, “Die, die, like a dog; it will teach you to laugh at +us doctors.” + +BER. You are terribly angry with him. + +ARG. Yes, he is an ill-advised fellow, and if the doctors are wise, +they will do what I say. + +BER. He will be wiser than the doctors, for he will not go and ask +their help. + +ARG. So much the worse for him, if he has not recourse to their +remedies. + +BER. He has his reasons for not wishing to have anything to do with +them; he is certain that only strong and robust constitutions can bear +their remedies in addition to the illness, and he has only just enough +strength for his sickness. + +ARG. What absurd reasons. Here, brother, don’t speak to me anymore +about that man; for it makes me savage, and you will give me his +complaint. + +BER. I will willingly cease, brother; and, to change the subject, +allow me to tell you that, because your daughter shows a slight +repugnance to the match you propose, it is no reason why you should +shut her up in a convent. In your choice of a son-in-law you should +not blindly follow the anger which masters you. We should in such a +matter yield a little to the inclinations of a daughter, since it is +for all her life, and the whole happiness of her married life depends +on it. + + +SCENE IV.—MR. FLEURANT, ARGAN, BÉRALDE. + +ARG. Ah! brother, with your leave. + +BER. Eh? What are you going to do? + +ARG. To take this little clyster; it will soon be done. + +BER. Are you joking? Can you not spend one moment without clysters or +physic? Put it off to another time, and be quiet. + +ARG. Mr. Fleurant, let it be for to-night or to-morrow morning. + +MR. FLEU. (_to_ BÉRALDE). What right have you to interfere? How dare you +oppose yourself to the prescription of the doctors, and prevent the +gentleman from taking my clyster? You are a nice fellow to show such +boldness. + +BER. Go, Sir, go; it is easy to see that you are not accustomed to +speak face to face with men. + +MR. FLEU. You ought not thus to sneer at physic, and make me lose my +precious time. I came here for a good prescription, and I will go and +tell Mr. Purgon that I have been prevented from executing his orders, +and that I have been stopped in the performance of my duty. You’ll +see, you’ll see.... + + +SCENE V.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE. + +ARG. Brother, you’ll be the cause that some misfortune will happen +here. + +BER. What a misfortune not to take a clyster prescribed by Mr. Purgon! +Once more, brother, is it possible that you can’t be cured of this +doctor disease, and that you will thus bring yourself under their +remedies? + +ARG. Ah! brother. You speak like a man who is quite well, but if you +were in my place, you would soon change your way of speaking. It is +easy to speak against medicine when one is in perfect health. + +BER. But what disease do you suffer from? + +ARG. You will drive me to desperation. I should like you to have my +disease, and then we should see if you would prate as you do. Ah! here +is Mr. Purgon. + + +SCENE VI.—MR. PURGON, ARGAN, BÉRALDE, TOINETTE. + +MR. PUR. I have just heard nice news downstairs! You laugh at my +prescriptions, and refuse to take the remedy which I ordered. + +ARG. Sir, it is not.... + +MR. PUR. What daring boldness, what a strange revolt of a patient +against his doctor! + +TOI. It is frightful. + +MR. PUR. A clyster which I have had the pleasure of composing myself. + +ARG. It was not I.... + +MR. PUR. Invented and made up according to all the rules of art. + +TOI. He was wrong. + +MR. PUR. And which was to work a marvellous effect on the intestines. + +ARG. My brother.... + +MR. PUR. To send it back with contempt! + +ARG. (_showing_ BÉRALDE). It was he.... + +MR. PUR. Such conduct is monstrous. + +TOI. So it is. + +MR. PUR. It is a fearful outrage against medicine. + +ARG. (_showing_ BÉRALDE). He is the cause.... + +MR. PUR. A crime of high-treason against the faculty, and one which +cannot be too severely punished. + +TOI. You are quite right. + +MR. PUR. I declare to you that I break off all intercourse with you. + +ARG. It is my brother.... + +MR. PUR. That I will have no more connection with you. + +TOI. You will do quite right. + +MR. PUR. And to end all association with you, here is the deed of gift +which I made to my nephew in favour of the marriage. (_He tears the +document, and throws the pieces about furiously._) + +ARG. It is my brother who has done all the mischief. + +MR. PUR. To despise my clyster! + +ARG. Let it be brought, I will take it directly. + +MR. PUR. I would have cured you in a very short time. + +TOI. He doesn’t deserve it. + +MR. PUR. I was about to cleanse your body, and to clear it of its bad +humours. + +ARG. Ah! my brother! + +MR. PUR. And it wanted only a dozen purgatives to cleanse it entirely. + +TOI. He is unworthy of your care. + +MR. PUR. But since you would not be cured by me.... + +ARG. It was not my fault. + +MR. PUR. Since you have forsaken the obedience you owe to your +doctor.... + +TOI. It cries for vengeance. + +MR. PUR. Since you have declared yourself a rebel against the remedies +I had prescribed for you.... + +ARG. No, no, certainly not. + +MR. PUR. I must now tell you that I give you up to your bad +constitution, to the intemperament of your intestines, to the +corruption of your blood, to the acrimony of your bile, and to the +feculence of your humours. + +TOI. It serves you right. + +ARG. Alas! + +MR. PUR. And I will have you before four days in an incurable state. + +ARG. Ah! mercy on me! + +MR. PUR. You shall fall into bradypepsia. + +ARG. Mr. Purgon! + +MR. PUR. From bradypepsia into dyspepsia. + +ARG. Mr. Purgon! + +MR. PUR. From dyspepsia into apepsy. + +ARG. Mr. Purgon! + +MR. PUR. From apepsy into lientery. + +ARG. Mr. Purgon! + +MR. PUR. From lientery into dysentery. + +ARG. Mr. Purgon! + +MR. PUR. From dysentery into dropsy. + +ARG. Mr. Purgon! + +MR. PUR. And from dropsy to the deprivation of life into which your +folly will bring you. + + +SCENE VII.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE. + +ARG. Ah heaven! I am dead. Brother, you have undone me. + +BER. Why? What is the matter? + +ARG. I am undone. I feel already that the faculty is avenging itself. + +BER. Really, brother, you are crazy, and I would not for a great deal +that you should be seen acting as you are doing. Shake yourself a +little, I beg, recover yourself, and do not give way so much to your +imagination. + +ARG. You hear, brother, with what strange diseases he has threatened +me. + +BER. What a foolish fellow you are! + +ARG. He says that I shall become incurable within four days. + +BER. And what does it signify what he says? Is it an oracle that has +spoken? To hear you, anyone would think that Mr. Purgon holds in his +hands the thread of your life, and that he has supreme authority to +prolong it or to cut it short at his will. Remember that the springs +of your life are in yourself, and that all the wrath of Mr. Purgon can +do as little towards making you die, as his remedies can do to make +you live. This is an opportunity, if you like to take it, of getting +rid of your doctors; and if you are so constituted that you cannot do +without them, it is easy for you, brother, to have another with whom +you run less risk. + +ARG. Ah, brother! he knows all about my constitution, and the way to +treat me. + +BER. I must acknowledge that you are greatly infatuated, and that you +look at things with strange eyes. + + +SCENE VIII.—ARGAN, TOINETTE, BÉRALDE. + +TOI. (_to_ ARGAN). There is a doctor, here, Sir, who desires to +see you. + +ARG. What doctor? + +TOI. A doctor of medicine. + +ARG. I ask you who he is? + +TOI. I don’t know who he is, but he is as much like me as two peas, +and if I was not sure that my mother was an honest woman, I should say +that this is a little brother she has given me since my father’s +death. + + +SCENE IX.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE. + +BER. You are served according to your wish. One doctor leaves you, +another comes to replace him. + +ARG. I greatly fear that you will cause some misfortune. + +BER. Oh! You are harping upon that string again? + +ARG. Ah! I have on my mind all those diseases that I don’t understand, +those.... + + +SCENE X.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE, TOINETTE (_dressed as a doctor_). + +TOI. Allow me, Sir, to come and pay my respects to you, and to offer +you my small services for all the bleedings and purging you may +require. + +ARG. I am much obliged to you, Sir. (_To_ BÉRALDE) Toinette +herself, I declare! + +TOI. I beg you will excuse me one moment, Sir. I forgot to give a +small order to my servant. + + +SCENE XI.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE. + +ARG. Would you not say that this is really Toinette? + +BER. It is true that the resemblance is very striking. But it is not +the first time that we have seen this kind of thing, and history is +full of those freaks of nature. + +ARG. For my part, I am astonished, and.... + + +SCENE XII.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE, TOINETTE. + +TOI. What do you want, Sir? + +ARG. What? + +TOI. Did you not call me? + +ARG. I? No. + +TOI. My ears must have tingled then. + +ARG. Just stop here one moment and see how much that doctor is like +you. + +TOI. Ah! yes, indeed, I have plenty of time to waste! Besides, I have +seen enough of him already. + + +SCENE XIII.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE. + +ARG. Had I not seen them both together, I should have believed it was +one and the same person. + +BER. I have read wonderful stories about such resemblances; and we +have seen some in our day that have taken in everybody. + +ARG. For my part, I should have been deceived this time, and sworn +that the two were but one. + + +SCENE XIV.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE, TOINETTE (_as a doctor_). + +TOI. Sir, I beg your pardon with all my heart. + +ARG. (_to_ BÉRALDE). It is wonderful. + +TOI. You will not take amiss, I hope, the curiosity I feel to see such +an illustrious patient; and your reputation, which reaches the +farthest ends of the world, must be my excuse for the liberty I am +taking. + +ARG. Sir, I am your servant. + +TOI. I see, Sir, that you are looking earnestly at me. What age do you +think I am? + +ARG. I should think twenty-six or twenty-seven at the utmost. + +TOI. Ah! ah! ah! ah! ah! I am ninety years old. + +ARG. Ninety years old! + +TOI. Yes; this is what the secrets of my art have done for me to +preserve me fresh and vigorous as you see. + +ARG. Upon my word, a fine youthful old fellow of ninety! + +TOI. I am an itinerant doctor, and go from town to town, from province +to province, from kingdom to kingdom, to seek out illustrious material +for my abilities; to find patients worthy of my attention, capable of +exercising the great and noble secrets which I have discovered in +medicine. I disdain to amuse myself with the small rubbish of common +diseases, with the trifles of rheumatism, coughs, fevers, vapours, +and headaches. I require diseases of importance, such as good +non-intermittent fevers with delirium, good scarlet-fevers, good plagues, +good confirmed dropsies, good pleurisies with inflammations of the +lungs. These are what I like, what I triumph in, and I wish, Sir, that +you had all those diseases combined, that you had been given up, +despaired of by all the doctors, and at the point of death, so that I +might have the pleasure of showing you the excellency of my remedies, +and the desire I have of doing you service! + +ARG. I am greatly obliged to you, Sir, for the kind intentions you +have towards me. + +TOI. Let me feel your pulse. Come, come, beat properly, please. Ah! I +will soon make you beat as you should. This pulse is trifling with me; +I see that it does not know me yet. Who is your doctor? + +ARG. Mr. Purgon. + +TOI. That man is not noted in my books among the great doctors. What +does he say you are ill of? + +ARG. He says it is the liver, and others say it is the spleen. + +TOI. They are a pack of ignorant blockheads; you are suffering from +the lungs. + +ARG. The lungs? + +TOI. Yes; what do you feel? + +ARG. From time to time great pains in my head. + +TOI. Just so; the lungs. + +ARG. At times it seems as if I had a mist before my eyes. + +TOI. The lungs. + +ARG. I feel sick now and then. + +TOI. The lungs. + +ARG. And I feel sometimes a weariness in all my limbs. + +TOI. The lungs. + +ARG. And sometimes I have sharp pains in the stomach, as if I had the +colic. + +TOI. The lungs. Do you eat your food with appetite? + +ARG. Yes, Sir. + +TOI. The lungs. Do you like to drink a little wine? + +ARG. Yes, Sir. + +TOI. The lungs. You feel sleepy after your meals, and willingly enjoy +a nap? + +ARG. Yes, Sir. + +TOI. The lungs, the lungs, I tell you. What does your doctor order you +for food? + +ARG. He orders me soup. + +TOI. Ignoramus! + +ARG. Fowl. + +TOI. Ignoramus! + +ARG. Veal. + +TOI. Ignoramus! + +ARG. Broth. + +TOI. Ignoramus! + +ARG. New-laid eggs. + +TOI. Ignoramus! + +ARG. And at night a few prunes to relax the bowels. + +TOI. Ignoramus! + +ARG. And, above all, to drink my wine well diluted with water. + +TOI. _Ignorantus, ignoranta, ignorantum._ You must drink your wine +pure; and to thicken your blood, which is too thin, you must eat good +fat beef, good fat pork, good Dutch cheese, some gruel, rice puddings, +chestnuts, and thin cakes,[5] to make all adhere and conglutinate. +Your doctor is an ass. I will send you one of my own school, and will +come and examine you from time to time during my stay in this town. + +ARG. You will oblige me greatly. + +TOI. What the deuce do you want with this arm? + +ARG. What? + +TOI. If I were you, I should have it cut off on the spot. + +ARG. Why? + +TOI. Don’t you see that it attracts all the nourishment to itself, and +hinders this side from growing? + +ARG. May be; but I have need of my arm. + +TOI. You have also a right eye that I would have plucked out if I were +in your place. + +ARG. My right eye plucked out? + +TOI. Don’t you see that it interferes with the other, and robs it of +its nourishment? Believe me; have it plucked out as soon as possible; +you will see all the clearer with the left eye. + +ARG. There is no need to hurry. + +TOI. Good-bye. I am sorry to leave you so soon, but I must assist at a +grand consultation which is to take place about a man who died +yesterday. + +ARG. About a man who died yesterday? + +TOI. Yes, that we may consider and see what ought to have been done to +cure him. Good-bye. + +ARG. You know that patients do not use ceremony. + + +SCENE XV.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE. + +BER. Upon my word, this doctor seems to be a very clever man. + +ARG. Yes, but he goes a little too fast. + +BER. All great doctors do so. + +ARG. Cut off my arm and pluck out my eye, so that the other may be +better. I had rather that it were not better. A nice operation indeed, +to make me at once one-eyed and one-armed. + + +SCENE XVI.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE, TOINETTE. + +TOI. (_pretending to speak to somebody_). Come, come, I am your +servant; I’m in no joking humour. + +ARG. What is the matter? + +TOI. Your doctor, forsooth, who wanted to feel my pulse! + +ARG. Just imagine; and that, too, at fourscore and ten years of age. + +BER. Now, I say, brother, since you have quarrelled with Mr. Purgon, +won’t you give me leave to speak of the match which is proposed for my +niece? + +ARG. No, brother; I will put her in a convent, since she has rebelled +against me. I see plainly that there is some love business at the +bottom of it all, and I have discovered a certain secret interview +which they don’t suspect me to know anything about. + +BER. Well, brother, and suppose there were some little inclination, +where could the harm be? Would it be so criminal when it all tends to +what is honourable—marriage? + +ARG. Be that as it may, she will be a nun. I have made up my mind. + +BER. You intend to please somebody by so doing. + +ARG. I understand what you mean. You always come back to that, and my +wife is very much in your way. + +BER. Well, yes, brother; since I must speak out, it is your wife I +mean; for I can no more bear with your infatuation about doctors than +with your infatuation about your wife, and see you run headlong into +every snare she lays for you. + +TOI. Ah! Sir, don’t talk so of mistress. She is a person against whom +there is nothing to be said; a woman without deceit, and who loves +master—ah! who loves him.... I can’t express how much. + +ARG. (_to_ BÉRALDE). Just ask her all the caresses she lavishes +for me. + +TOI. Yes, indeed! + +ARG. And all the uneasiness my sickness causes her. + +TOI. Certainly. + +ARG. And the care and trouble she takes about me. + +TOI. Quite right. (_To_ BÉRALDE) Will you let me convince you; +and to show you at once how my mistress loves my master. (_To_ +ARGAN) Sir, allow me to undeceive him, and to show him his +mistake. + +ARG. How? + +TOI. My mistress will soon come back. Stretch yourself full-length in +this arm-chair, and pretend to be dead. You will see what grief she +will be in when I tell her the news. + +ARG. Very well, I consent. + +TOI. Yes; but don’t leave her too long in despair, for she might die +of it. + +ARG. Trust me for that. + +TOI. (_to_ BÉRALDE). Hide yourself in that corner. + + +SCENE XVII.—ARGAN, TOINETTE. + +ARG. Is there no danger in counterfeiting death? + +TOI. No, no. What danger can there be? Only stretch yourself there. It +will be so pleasant to put your brother to confusion. Here is my +mistress. Mind you keep still. + + +SCENE XVIII.—BÉLINE, ARGAN (_stretched out in his chair_), +TOINETTE. + +TOI. (_pretending not to see_ BÉLINE). Ah heavens! Ah! what a +misfortune! What a strange accident! + +BEL. What is the matter, Toinette? + +TOI. Ah! Madam! + +BEL. What ails you? + +TOI. Your husband is dead. + +BEL. My husband is dead? + +TOI. Alas! yes; the poor soul is gone. + +BEL. Are you quite certain? + +TOI. Quite certain. Nobody knows of it yet. I was all alone here when +it happened. He has just breathed his last in my arms. Here, just look +at him, full-length in his chair. + +BEL. Heaven be praised. I am delivered from a most grievous burden. +How silly of you, Toinette, to be so afflicted at his death. + +TOI. Ah! Ma’am, I thought I ought to cry. + +BEL. Pooh! it is not worth the trouble. What loss is it to anybody, +and what good did he do in this world? A wretch, unpleasant to +everybody; of nauseous, dirty habits; always a clyster or a dose of +physic in his body. Always snivelling, coughing, spitting; a stupid, +tedious, ill-natured fellow, who was for ever fatiguing people and +scolding night and day at his maids and servants. + +TOI. An excellent funeral oration! + +BEL. Toinette, you must help me to carry out my design; and you may +depend upon it that I will make it worth your while if you serve me. +Since, by good luck, nobody is aware of his death, let us put him into +his bed, and keep the secret until I have done what I want. There are +some papers and some money I must possess myself of. It is not right +that I should have passed the best years of my life with him without +any kind of advantage. Come along, Toinette, first of all, let us take +all the keys. + +ARG. (_getting up hastily_). Softly. + +BEL. Ah! + +ARG. So, my wife, it is thus you love me? + +TOI. Ah! the dead man is not dead. + +ARG. (_to_ BÉLINE, _who goes away_) I am very glad to see +how you love me, and to have heard the noble panegyric you made upon +me. This is a good warning, which will make me wise for the future, +and prevent me from doing many things. + + +SCENE XIX.—BÉRALDE (_coming out of the place where he was +hiding_), ARGAN, TOINETTE. + +BER. Well, brother, you see.... + +TOI. Now, really, I could never have believed such a thing. But I hear +your daughter coming, place yourself as you were just now, and let us +see how she will receive the news. It is not a bad thing to try; and +since you have begun, you will be able by this means to know the +sentiments of your family towards you. + + +SCENE XX.—ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE. + +TOI. (_pretending not to see_ ANGÉLIQUE). O heavens! what a sad +accident! What an unhappy day! + +ANG. What ails you, Toinette, and why do you cry? + +TOI. Alas! I have such sad news for you. + +ANG. What is it? + +TOI. Your father is dead. + +ANG. My father is dead, Toinette? + +TOI. Yes, just look at him there; he died only a moment ago of a +fainting fit that came over him. + +ANG. O heavens! what a misfortune! What a cruel grief! Alas! why must +I lose my father, the only being left me in the world? and why should +I lose him, too, at a time when he was angry with me? What will become +of me, unhappy girl that I am? What consolation can I find after so +great a loss? + + +SCENE XXI.—ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE. + +CLE. What is the matter with you, dear Angélique, and what misfortune +makes you weep? + +ANG. Alas! I weep for what was most dear and most precious to me. I +weep for the death of my father. + +CLE. O heaven! what a misfortune! What an unforeseen stroke of +fortune! Alas! after I had asked your uncle to ask you in marriage, I +was coming to see him, in order to try by my respect and entreaties to +incline his heart to grant you to my wishes. + +ANG. Ah! Cléante, let us talk no more of this. Let us give up all +hopes of marriage. Now my father is dead, I will have nothing to do +with the world, and will renounce it for ever. Yes, my dear father, if +I resisted your will, I will at least follow out one of your +intentions, and will by that make amends for the sorrow I have caused +you. (_Kneeling._) Let me, father, make you this promise here, and +kiss you as a proof of my repentance. + +ARG. (_kissing_ ANGÉLIQUE). Ah! my daughter! + +ANG. Ah! + +ARG. Come; do not be afraid. I am not dead. Ah! you are my true flesh +and blood and my real daughter; I am delighted to have discovered your +good heart. + + +SCENE XXII.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE. + +ANG. Ah! what a delightful surprise! Father, since heaven has given +you back to our love, let me here throw myself at your feet to implore +one favour of you. If you do not approve of what my heart feels, if +you refuse to give me Cléante for a husband, I conjure you, at least, +not to force me to marry another. It is all I have to ask of you. + +CLE. (_throwing himself at_ ARGAN’S _feet_). Ah! Sir, allow +your heart to be touched by her entreaties and by mine, and do not +oppose our mutual love. + +BER. Brother, how can you resist all this? + +TOI. Will you remain insensible before such affection? + +ARG. Well, let him become a doctor, and I will consent to the +marriage. (_To_ CLÉANTE) Yes, turn doctor, Sir, and I will give +you my daughter. + +CLE. Very willingly, Sir, if it is all that is required to become your +son-in-law. I will turn doctor; apothecary also, if you like. It is +not such a difficult thing after all, and I would do much more to +obtain from you the fair Angélique. + +BER. But, brother, it just strikes me; why don’t you turn doctor +yourself? It would be much more convenient to have all you want within +yourself. + +TOI. Quite true. That is the very way to cure yourself. There is no +disease bold enough to dare to attack the person of a doctor. + +ARG. I imagine, brother, that you are laughing at me. Can I study at +my age? + +BER. Study! What need is there? You are clever enough for that; there +are a great many who are not a bit more clever than you are. + +ARG. But one must be able to speak Latin well, and know the different +diseases and the remedies they require. + +BER. When you put on the cap and gown of a doctor, all that will come +of itself, and you will afterwards be much more clever than you care +to be. + +ARG. What! We understand how to discourse upon diseases when we have +that dress? + +BER. Yes; you have only to hold forth; when you have a cap and gown, +any stuff becomes learned, and all rubbish good sense. + +TOI. Look you, Sir; a beard is something in itself; a beard is half +the doctor. + +CLE. Anyhow, I am ready for everything. + +BER. (_to_ ARGAN). Shall we have the thing done immediately? + +ARG. How, immediately? + +BER. Yes, in your house. + +ARG. In my house? + +BER. Yes, I know a body of physicians, friends of mine, who will come +presently, and will perform the ceremony in your hall. It will cost +you nothing. + +ARG. But what can I say, what can I answer? + +BER. You will be instructed in a few words, and they will give you in +writing all you have to say. Go and dress yourself directly, and I +will send for them. + +ARG. Very well; let it be done. + + +SCENE XXIII.—BÉRALDE, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE. + +CLE. What is it yon intend to do, and what do you mean by this body of +physicians? + +TOI. What is it you are going to do? + +BER. To amuse ourselves a little to-night. The players have made a +doctor’s admission the subject of an interlude, with dances and music. +I want everyone to enjoy it, and my brother to act the principal part +in it. + +ANG. But, uncle, it seems to me that you are making fun of my father. + +BER. But, niece, it is not making too much fun of him to fall in with +his fancies. We may each of us take part in it ourselves, and thus +perform the comedy for each other’s amusement. Carnival time +authorises it. Let us go quickly and get everything ready. + +CLE. (_to_ ANGÉLIQUE). Do you consent to it? + +ANG. Yes; since my uncle takes the lead. + + + + +THIRD INTERLUDE.[6][TN] + + +BURLESQUE CEREMONY _representing the Admission of_ MR. GERONTE _to the +Degree of Doctor of Medicine_. + +_First Entry of the_ BALLET. + + +PRAESES. + Savantissimi doctores, + Medicinae professores, + Qui hic assemblati estis; + Et vos, altri messiores, + Sententiarum Facultatis + Fideles executores, + Chirurgiani et apothicari + Atque tota compagnia aussi, + Salus, honor et argentum, + Atque bonum appetitum. + + Non possum, docti confreri, + En moi satis admirari + Qualis bona inventio + Est medici professio; +Quam bella chosa est et bene trovata. + Medicina illa benedicta, + Quae, suo nomine solo, + Surprenanti miraculo, + Depuis si longo tempore, + Facit à gogo vivere + Tant de gens omni genere. + + Per totam terram videmus + Grandam vogam ubi sumus; + Et quod grandes et petiti + Sunt de nobis infatuti. +Totus mundus, currens ad nostros remedios, + Nos regardat sicut deos; + Et nostris ordonnanciis +Principes et reges soumissos videtis. + + Doncque il est nostrae sapientiae, + Boni sensus atque prudentiae, + De fortement travaillare + A nos bene conservare +In tali credito, voga, et honore; +Et prendere gardam a non recevere + In nostro docto corpore, + Quam personas capabiles, + Et totas dignas remplire + Has plaças honorabiles. + +C’est pour cela que nunc convocati estis: + Et credo quod trovabitis + Dignam matieram medici + In savanti homine que voici; + Lequel, in chosis omnibus, + Dono ad interrogandum, + Et à fond examinandum + Vostris capacitatibus. + +PRIMUS DOCTOR. + Si mihi licentiam dat dominus praeses, + Et tanti docti doctores, + Et assistantes illustres, + Très savanti bacheliero, + Quem estimo et honoro, +Domandabo causam et rationom quare + Opium facit dormire. + +BACHELIERUS. + Mihi a docto doctore +Domandatur causam et rationem quare + Opium facit dormire. + A quoi respondeo, + Quia est in eo + Vertus dormitiva, + Cujus eat natura + Sensus assoupire. + +CHORUS. +Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere. + Dignus, dignus est intrare + In nostro docto corpore. + Bene, bene respondere. + +SECUNDUS DOCTOR. + Proviso quod non displiceat, +Domino praesidi, lequel n’est pas fat, + Me benigne annuat, + Cum totis doctoribus savantibus, + Et assistantibus bienveillantibus, +Dicat mihi un peu dominus praetendens, + Raison a priori et evidens + Cur rhubarba et le séné + Per nos semper est ordonné + Ad purgandum l’utramque bile? + Si dicit hoc, erit valde habile. + +BACHELIERUS. + A docto doctore mihi, qui sum praetendens, + Domandatur raison a priori et evidens + Cur rhubarba et le séné + Per nos semper est ordonné + Ad purgandum l’utramque bile? + Respondeo vobis, + Quia est in illis + Vertus purgativa, + Cujus est natura + Istas duas biles evacuare. + +CHORUS. + Bene, bene, bone, bene respondere, + Dignus, dignus est intrare + In nostro docto corpore. + +TERTIUS DOCTOR. + Ex responsis, il paraît jam sole clarius + Quod lepidum iste caput bachelierus + Non passavit suam vitam ludendo au trictrac, + Nec in prenando du tabac; + Sed explicit pourquoi furfur macrum et parvum lac, + Cum phlebotomia et purgatione humorum, + Appellantur a medisantibus idolae medicorum, + Nec non pontus asinorum? + Si premièrement grata sit domino praesidi + Nostra libertas quaestionandi, + Pariter dominis doctribus + Atque de tous ordres benignis auditoribus. + +BACHELIERUS. + Quaerit a me dominus doctor + Chrysologos, id est, qui dit d’or, + Quare parvum lac et furfur macrum, + Phlebotomia et purgatio humorum + Appellantur a medisantibus idolae medicorum, + Atque pontus asinorum. + Respondeo quia: +Ista ordonnando non requiritur magna scientia, + Et ex illis quatuor rebus +Medici faciunt ludovicos, pistolas, et des quarts d’écus. + +CHORUS. + Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere + Dignus, dignus est intrare + In nostro docto corpore. + +QUARTUS DOCTOR. + Cum permissione domini praesidis, + Doctissimae Facultatis, + Et totius his nostris actis + Companiae assistantis, + Domandabo tibi, docte bacheliere, + Quae sunt remedia + Tam in homine quam in muliere + Quae, in maladia + Ditta hydropisia, +In malo caduco, apoplexia, convulsione et paralysia, + Convenit facere. + +BACHELIERUS. + Clysterium donare, + Postea seignare, + Ensuita purgare. + +CHORUS. + Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere. + Dignus, dignus est intrare + In nostro docto corpore. + +QUINTUS DOCTOR. + Si bonum semblatur domino praesidi. + Doctissimae Facultati, + Et companiae ecoutanti, + Domandabo tibi, erudite bacheliere, + Ut revenir un jour à la maison gravis aegre + Quae remedia colicosis, fievrosis, + Maniacis, nefreticis, freneticis, + Melancolicis, demoniacis, + Asthmaticis atque pulmonicis, + Catharrosis, tussicolisis, + Guttosis, ladris atque gallosis, + In apostemasis plagis et ulcéré, + In omni membro démis aut fracturé + Convenit facere. + +BACHELIERUS. + Clysterium donare, + Postea seignare, + Ensuita purgare. + +CHORUS. + Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere. + Dignus, dignus est intrare + In nostro docto corpore. + +SEXTUS DOCTOR. + Cum bona venia reverendi praesidis, + Filiorum Hippocratis, + Et totius coronae nos admirantis, + Petam tibi, resolute bacheliere, + Non indignus alumnus di Monspeliere, + Quae remedia caecis, surdis, mutis, + Manchotis, claudis, atque omnibus estropiatis, + Pro coris pedum, malum de dentibus, pesta, rabie, + Et nimis magna commotione in omni novo marié + Convenit facere. + +BACHELIERUS. + Clysterium donare, + Postea seignare, + Ensuita purgare. + +CHORUS. + Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere. + Dignus, dignus est intrare + In nostro docto corpore. + +SEPTIMUS DOCTOR. + Super illas maladias, + Dominus bachelierus dixit maravillas; + Mais, si non ennuyo doctissimam facultatem + Et totam honorabilem companiam +Tam corporaliter quam mentaliter hic praesentem, + Faciam illi unam quaestionem; + De hiero maladus unus + Tombavit in meas manus, + Homo qualitatis et dives comme un Crésus. + Habet grandam fievram cum redoublamentis, + Grandam dolorem capitis, + Cum troublatione spirii et laxamento ventris. + Grandum insuper malum au côté, + Cum granda difficultate + Et pena a respirare; + Veuillas mihi dire, + Docte bacheliere, + Quid illi facere. + +BACHELIERUS. + Clysterium donare, + Postea seignare, + Ensuita purgare. + +CHORUS. + Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere. + Dignus, dignus est intrare + In nostro docto corpore. + +IDEM DOCTOR. + Mais, si maladia + Opiniatria + Ponendo modicum a quia + Non vult se guarire, + Quid illi facere? + +BACHELIERUS. + Clysterium donare, + Postea seignare, + Ensuita purgare, + Reseignare, repurgare, et reclysterizare. + +CHORUS. + Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere. + Dignus, dignus est intrare + In nostro docto corpore. + +OCTAVUS DOCTOR. + Impetro favorabile congé + A domino praeside, + Ab electa trouppa doctorum, + Tam practicantium quam practica avidorum, + Et a curiosa turba badodorum. + Ingeniose bacheliere + Qui non potuit esse jusqu’ici déferré, + Faciam tibi unam questionem de importantia. + Messiores, detur nobis audiencia. + Isto die bene mane, + Paulo ante mon déjeuné, + Venit ad me una domicella + Italiana jadis bella, + Et ut penso encore un peu pucella, + Quae habebat pallidos colores, + Fievram blancam dicunt magis fini doctores, + Quia plaigniebat se de migraina, + De curta halena, + De granda oppressione, + Jambarum enflatura, et effroyebili lassitudine; + De batimento cordis, + De strangulamento matris, + Alio nomine vapor hystérique, + Quae, sicut omnes maladiae terminatae en ique, + Facit a Galien la nique. + Visagium apparebat bouffietum, et coloris + Tantum vertae quantum merda anseris. + Ex pulsu petito valde frequens, et urina mala + Quam apportaverat in fiola + Non videbatur exempta de febricules; + Au reste, tam debilis quod venerat + De son grabat + In cavallo sur une mule, + Non habuerat menses suos + Ab illa die qui dicitur des grosses eaux; + Sed contabat mihi à l’oreille + Che si non era morta, c’était grand merveille, + Perchè in suo negotio + Era un poco d’amore, et troppo di cordoglio; + Che suo galanto sen era andato in Allemagna, + Servire al signor Brandeburg una campagna. + Usque ad maintenant multi charlatani, + Medici, apothicari, et chirurgiani + Pro sua maladia in veno travaillaverunt, +Juxta même las novas gripas istius bouru Van Helmont, + Amploiantes ab oculis cancri, ad Alcahest; + Veuillas mihi dire quid superest, + Juxta orthodoxos, illi facere. + +BACHELIERUS. + Clysterium donare, + Postea seignare, + Ensuita purgare. + +CHORUS. + Bene, bene, bene, bene respondero. + Dignus, dignus est intrare + In nostro docto corpore. + +IDEM DOCTOR. + Mais si tam grandum couchamentum + Partium naturalium, + Mortaliter obstinatum, + Per clysterium donare, + Seignare + Et reiterando cent fois purgare, + Non potest se guarire, + Finaliter quid trovaris à propos illi facere? + +BACHELIERUS. + In nomine Hippocratis benedictam cum bono + Garçone conjunctionem imperare. + +PRAESES. + Juras gardare statuta + Per Facultatem praescripta, + Cum sensu et jugeamento? + +BACHELIERUS. + Juro.[7] + +PRAESES. + Essere in Omnibus + Consultationibus + Ancieni aviso, + Aut bono, + Aut mauvaiso! + +BACHELIERUS. + Juro. + +PRAESES. + De non jamais te servire + De remediis aucunis, + Quam de ceuz seulement almae Facultatis, + Maladus dût-il crevare, + Et mori de suo malo? + +BACHELIERUS. + Juro. + +PRAESES. + Ego, cum isto boneto + Venerabili et docto, + Dono tibi et concedo + Puissanciam, vertutem atque licentiam + Medicinam cum methodo faciendi + Id est, + Clysterizandi, + Seignandi, + Purgandi, + Sangsuandi, + Ventousandi, + Sacrificandi, + Perçandi, + Taillandi, + Coupandi, + Trepanandi, + Brulandi, + Uno verbo, selon les formes, atque impune occidendi + Parisiis et per totem terram; + Rendes, Domine, his messioribus gratiam. + + +_Second Entry of the_ BALLET. + +_All the_ DOCTORS _and_ APOTHECARIES _come and do him reverence_. + +BACHELIERUS. + Grandes doctres doctrinae + De la rhubarbe et du séné + Ce seroit sans douta à moi chosa folla, + Inepta et ridicula, + Si j’alloibam m’engageare + Vobis louangeas donare, + Et entreprenoibam ajoutare + Des lumieras au soleillo, + Des etoilas au cielo, + Des flammas à l’inferno + Des ondas à l’oceano, + Et des rosas au printano. + Agreate qu’avec uno moto, + Pro toto remercimento, + Rendam gratias corpori tam docto. + Vobis, vobis debeo +Bien plus qu’à nature et qu’à patri meo: + Natura et pater meus + Hominem me habent factum; + Mais vos me (ce qui est bien plus) + Avetis factum medicum + Honor, favor et gratia, + Qui, in hoc corde que voilà, + Imprimant ressentimenta + Qui dureront in secula. + +CHORUS. + Vivat, vivat, vivat, vivat, cent fois vivat, + Novus doctor, qui tam bene parlat! + Mille, mille annis, et manget et bibat, + Et seignet et tuat! + + +_Third Entry of the_ BALLET. + +_All the_ DOCTORS _and_ APOTHECARIES _dance to the sound of +instruments and voices, the clapping of hands, and the beating of_ +APOTHECARIES’ _mortars._ + +CHIRURGUS. + Puisse-t-il voir doctas + Suas ordonnancias, + Omnium chirurgorum, + Et apothicarum + Remplire boutiquas! + +CHORUS. + Vivat, vivat, vivat, vivat, cent fois vivat, + Novus doctor, qui tam bene parlat! + Mille, mille annis, et manget et bibat, + Et seignet et tuat! + +APOTHICARIUS. + Puissent toti anni + Lui essere boni + Et favorabiles + Et n’habere jamais + Entre ses mains, pestas, epidemias + Quae sunt malas bestias; + Mais semper pluresias, pulmonias + In renibus et vessia pierras, +Rhumatismos d’un anno, et omnis generis fievras, + Fluxus de sanguine, gouttas diabolicas, +Mala de sancto Joanne, Poitevinorum colicas +Scorbutum de Hollandia, verolas parvas et grossas + Bonos chancros atque longas callidopissas. + +BACHELIERUS. + Amen. + +CHORUS. + Vivat, vivat, vivat, vivat, cent fois vivat, + Novus doctor, qui tam bene parlat! + Mille, mille annis, et manget et bibat, + Et seignet et tuat! + + +_Fourth Entry of the_ BALLET. + +_All the_ DOCTORS _and_ APOTHECARIES _go out according to their rank, +as they came in._ + +THE END. + + + + FOOTNOTES: + + [1] As usual, Argan only counts half; even after he has reduced the + charge. + + [2] Thomas Diafoirus is evidently going to base some compliment on the + _belle-mère_. The only way out of the difficulty in English seems to + be to complete the sentence somewhat. + + [3] Harvey’s treatise on the circulation of the blood was published in + 1628. His discovery was violently opposed for a long time afterwards. + + [4] Molière seems to refer to Dr. Guenaut, who was said to have killed + with antimony (his favourite remedy) his wife, his daughter, his + nephew, and two of his sons-in-law.—AIMÉ MARTIN. + + [5] _Oubliés_; now called _plaisirs_. “Wafers” would perhaps have been + the right rendering in Molière’s time. + + [6] This piece is composed of a mixture of dog-Latin, French, &c. and + is utterly untranslateable. + + [7] It is said that it was when uttering this word that Molière gave + way to the illness from which he had long suffered. + + + + + [TN] TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE (from a reader): + + The above was a litteral rendition of the text. After this eBook was + published in PG we received the following: + + Dear sir or madam: + + The original translator of the Moliere’s play “The Imaginary Invalid” + did not translate the third interlude into English, simply declaring + that it was “utterly untranslateable”(sic). + + My father (Duane Larrieu, retired linguist) has translated this third + Interlude and requested that I submit it to Project Gutenberg on his + behalf. His translation of the Third Interlude follows: + + + + +THIRD INTERLUDE. [6] + + + BURLESQUE CEREMONY _representing the Admission of_ MR. GERONTE _to the + Degree of Doctor of Medicine_. + + +_First Entry of the_ BALLET + +GENTLEMAN IN CHARGE. + Most learned doctors, + professors of medicine, + who are assembled here; + and you other gentlemen, + dependable executors + of the faculty’s decisions, + surgeons and apothecaries + and the entire company as well, + health, honor and wealth + and a good appetite. + + Learned confreres, I am unable + personally to have sufficient admiration for what a fine invention + the medical profession is; + what a fine thing it is and a good discovery. + such is that blessed medicine, + which, by its name alone, + a surprising miracle, + for so long a time + has made so many different sorts + of people live a long life. + Throughout the entire world we see + the great interest present where we are; + and that well-to-do and insignificant + people are infatuated with us. + The whole world, rushing for our remedies, + considers us deities, + and you see the princes and kings submitting to our orders. + + So it is our wisdom, + good sense and prudence + to work hard + to keep us well + credited, wanted, and honored; + and to be careful not to admit + into our learned group + anybody except qualified individuals + who are fully deserving of occupying + such honorable positions. + + That is why you are now summoned here + and I do believe you will find deserving qualities + in the learned man who is present here; + and whom I am giving to you + to question about whatever you want, + and to use your capabilities to + examine him in depth. + +FIRST DOCTOR + Sir, you are in charge. If you and so many doctors + and illustrious assistants + who are learned and have a baccalaureate, + and whom I honor and esteem, + grant me permission, + I will ask the cause and reason why + opium induces sleep. + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + An educated doctor is asking me + the cause and reason why + opium induces sleep. + My answer to that + is because there is in it + a sleep-inducing power + which by its very nature + relaxes the senses. + +CHORUS + A really, really, really good answer. + You really deserve to enter + into our learned group. + A really good answer. + + +SECOND DOCTOR + Sir, you are in charge. Provided it isn’t displeasing + which it actually isbn’t + kindly allow, along with all the learned doctors, + and well-intended assistants, + that he explain to me a little, the + a priori and evident reason why rhubarb + and senna are prescribed to purge both biles from us. + If he answers this, he will be very capable. + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + I, who am here providing explanations, + have been asked by an educated doctor + for an a priori and evident reason + why rhubarb and senna are always + prescribed for us to purge both biles. + My answer to you is that + it is because there is in them + a purgative power + which naturally empties out those two biles. + +CHORUS + A really, really, really good answer. + You really deserve to enter + into our learned group. + +THIRD DOCTOR + From the answers, it seems + clearer than sunlight + that this brainy + baccalaureate holder didn’t spend his life + playing hippity-hop nor smoking + cigarettes; but let him explain why a heap + of bran and a little milk + with phlebotomy and purging of the humors + are called doctor’s idols by those who are naysayers + and also an asses’ bridge. + If, first off, our freedom to + question is acceptable to the gentleman in charge + as well as to the gentlemanly doctors and + all the ranks of kind listeners. + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + Mister Chrysologos, that is, he who talks of gold, the doctor, asks me + why a little milk and a heap of bran, phlebotomy and purging of humors + are called doctor’s idols and asses’ bridge by naysayers. My answer is + that prescribing such things doesn’t require a lot of knowledge and + out of those four things doctors make louis, pistoles, and fourths of + ecus. + +CHORUS + You answered really, really well. + You really deserve to enter + into our learned group. + +FOURTH DOCTOR + With the permission of you, sir, who are in charge, and of the entire + faculty, and of the company attending these activities of ours, I + will ask you learned baccalaureate holder, what are the remedies to + be given both to a man and to a woman suffering from the illness + called hydropsy, from bodily issues such as apoplexy, convulsion, and + paralysis? + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + Give a clyster, + Afterwards purify, + Then purge. + +CHORUS + You answered really, really well. + You really deserve to enter + into our learned group. + +FIFTH DOCTOR + If it seems okay to you sir, who are in charge, + to the very learned faculty, and to the company that is listening to + us, + I will ask you, learned baccalaureate holder, to return one day to a + house full of illnesses. What are the remedies to come up with for + colicosis, febrosis, for maniacs, nephritics, frenetics, melancholics, + demoniacs, asthmatics and pulmonics, for catharrosics, tussicolisics, + guttosics, lepers and gallosics, for apostemasis, plague and ulcers, + for every broken or fractured member? + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + Give a clyster, + Afterwards purify, + Then purge. + +CHORUS + You answered really, really well, + You really deserve to enter + into our learned group + +SIXTH DOCTOR + With the kind allowance of the respected gentleman in charge, of the + successors of Hippocrates, and of the whole circle of those with their + eyes fixed on us, I ask you, oh determined baccalaureate holder, a + college graduate not unworthy of Montpelier, what are the remedies to + be given to the blind, the deaf, the mute, to manchotics, claudics, + and all the estropiatics, for problem feet, toothaches, afflictions, + rabies, and the overwhelmingly great commotion in every newlywed? + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + Give a clyster, + Afterwards purify, + Then purge. + +CHORUS + You answered really, really well, + You really deserve to enter + into our learned group + +SEVENTH DOCTOR + The baccalaureate gentleman has marvelously addressed all those + illnesses; but if I do not bore the most learned faculty and the + entire honorable company present here in body and in mind, I will + put one question to him; yesterday a sick person fell into my hands, + a person of rank and rich as Croesus. He has a severe fever that is + ongoing, a serious headache, with trouble breathing and diarrhea + of the stomach, along with a serious problem in his side and real + difficulty and pain breathing. Please tell me, learned baccalaureate + holder, what to do for him. + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + Give a clyster, + Afterwards purify, + Then purge. + +CHORUS + You answered really, really well, + You really deserve to enter + into our learned group + +THE SAME DOCTOR + But if, holding off from asking why, the illness about which an + opinion has been furnished, doesn’t want to get well, then what’s to + be done for it? + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + Give a clyster, + Afterwards purify, + Then purge. + Purify, purge, and clysterize repeatedly. + +CHORUS + You answered really, really well, + You really deserve to enter + into our learned group + +EIGHTH DOCTOR + I beg leave of you, sir, who are in charge, of the select assembly of + doctors, both practicing and eager to practice, and of the curious + flock of onlookers. + + Oh so smart Baccalaureate holder, who so far could not be outflanked, + I shall ask you one important question. Sirs, give us your attention. + Quite early to-day, slightly before I had breakfast, a once lovely + young Italian lady came to me. In fact, I still think of her as being + somewhat a young girl. She was all pale-fleshed. The best doctors call + it a white fever. She came complaining of a migraine, of shortness + of breath, of feeling overburdened, of swollen legs and terrible + weariness; of a pounding heart, and of a choked feeling, also called + hysterical inhalation, which, like all illnesses ending in –ic, + casts a snub on Galen. She appeared worn out and looked as green as + goose droppings. Judging from her small racing heartbeat and the + foul urine she brought in a container, she appeared not to be free + of feverish bouts. Lastly, she was so weak that she came from her + bed on horseback, actually, it was a mule. She hadn’t had her menses + since that day that is called the day of lots of water. But she told + me in my ear that it was a real marvel that she wasn’t dead. Because + in her line of work there wasn’t much love, just too much heartiness. + Her gallant guy had gone to Germany to serve on a campaign for mister + Brandenburg. So far a bunch of charlatans, doctors, apothecaries, and + surgeons have been working in vain to cure her illness, going so far + as the new influenzas of that dopey Van Helmont, using everything from + crab eyes to alchemy. + + Kindly tell me what’s left, in keeping with orthodoxy, to do for her. + + Baccalaureate Holder + Give a clyster, + Afterwards purify, + Then purge. + +CHORUS + You answered really, really well, + You really deserve to enter + into our learned group + +SAME DOCTOR + But if such an enormous and mortally obstinate withering of the + natural organs cannot be cured by giving a clyster, purifying, and + purging, over and over again for a hundred times, what would you + finally come up with to do for her? + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + Order her, in the name of blessed Hippocrates, to couple with a good + young lad. + +GENTLEMAN IN CHARGE + Do you swear to observe the statutes + prescribed by the faculty + with sense and judgment? + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + I do swear + +GENTLEMAN IN CHARGE + To have in all consultations + the age-old advice, + whether good or bad? + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + I do swear. + +GENTLEWOMAN IN CHARGE + Never to resort + to any remedies + besides those only of the resourceful faculty + lest the sick person should wear out + and die of his illness? + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + I do swear. + +GENTLEMAN IN CHARGE + With this venerable and learned doctor’s cap, I give and grant you the + power, might and medical license, plus the approach to take, namely, + + Clysterizing, + Purifying, + Purging, + Bleeding, + Ventilating, + Sacrificing, + Piercing, + Slicing, + Cutting, + Drenching, + Burning, + + in a word, in keeping with the procedures and of killing without + penalty, not just for Parisians but anyone in the world; sir, express + gratitude to these gentlemen. + + +_Second Entry of the_ BALLET. + + _All the_ DOCTORS _and_ APOTHECARIES _come and do him reverence_. + +BACCALAUREATE HOLDER + Great teachers in regard to instruction concerning rhubarb and senna, + it would undoubtedly be a foolish, inappropriate and ridiculous thing + for me if I allowed myself to engage in providing you with praises and + undertake to add light to the sun, stars to the sky, flames to hell, + waves to the ocean, and roses to the spring. + + Allow me, with just a single word of all my gratitude to say thank + you to such a learned group. To you, to you, I owe much more than to + nature and to my father; nature and my father made me a human being. + But you have made me a doctor (which is much more). Honor, favor, and + gratitude that will definitely remain as feeling in this heart forever. + +CHORUS + Live a long life, live a long life, live a long life, live a long + life, a hundred times let the new doctor who speaks so well live a + long life! For a thousand, thousand years let him eat and drink, and + cure and kill. + + +_Third Entry of the_ BALLET. + + _All the _DOCTORS _and_ APOTHECARIES _dance to the sound of + instruments and voices, the clapping of hands, and the beating of + _APOTHECARIES’ _mortars._ + +SURGEON + May he just see his learned stipulations and fill the offices of + surgeons and apothecaries. + +CHORUS + Live a long life, live a long life, live a long life, live a long + life, a hundred times let the new doctor who speaks so well live a + long life! For a thousand, thousand years let him eat and drink, and + cure and kill. + +APOTHECARY + May all his years be good and favorable for him and may he never + grapple with plagues or epidemics that are evil beasts. + + But always pleurisies, pulmonias in the kidneys and vesical lumps, + one-year rheumatisms, and all kinds of fevers, bloodflows, diabolic + gouts, St. Joan’s problems, Poitou colics, Dutch scurvy, small and + large poxes, good cankers and long brain problems. + +CHORUS + Live a long life, live a long life, live a long life, live a long + life, a hundred times let the new doctor who speaks so well live a + long life! For a thousand, thousand years let him eat and drink, and + cure and kill. + + +_Fourth Entry of the _BALLET. + + _ All the_ DOCTORS _and_ APOTHECARIES _go out according to their rank, + as they came in._ + + +THE END + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE IMAGINARY INVALID *** + +***** This file should be named 9070-0.txt or 9070-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/9/0/7/9070/ + +Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the +United States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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