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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/897-0.txt b/897-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5f488bc --- /dev/null +++ b/897-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3712 @@ +Project Gutenberg’s The Rose and the Ring, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Rose and the Ring + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: February 5, 2006 [EBook #897] +Last Updated: September 27, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ROSE AND THE RING *** + + + + +Produced by Dianne Bean and David Widger + + + + + +THE ROSE AND THE RING + + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + + +PRELUDE + +It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season in a +foreign city where there were many English children. + +In that city, if you wanted to give a child’s party, you could not even +get a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters--those funny painted +pictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, the Lady, the Dandy, the +Captain, and so on--with which our young ones are wont to recreate +themselves at this festive time. + +My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that lived in +the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my young charges +(it was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and Messrs. Spillmann, two +of the best pastrycooks in Christendom, have their shop on the ground +floor): Miss Bunch, I say, begged me to draw a set of Twelfth-Night +characters for the amusement of our young people. + +She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having looked +at the characters, she and I composed a history about them, which +was recited to the little folks at night, and served as our FIRESIDE +PANTOMIME. + +Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and Bulbo, +Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the Hall Porter +created a considerable sensation; and the wrath of Countess Gruffanuff +was received with extreme pleasure. + +If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others be +amused also? In a few days Dr. Birch’s young friends will be expected +to reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn everything that +is useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers continue the business of +their little lives. + +But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and be as +pleasant as we can. And you elder folk--a little joking, and dancing, +and fooling will do even you no harm. The author wishes you a merry +Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fireside Pantomime. + +W. M. THACKERAY. December 1854. + + + + +CONTENTS + +I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SATE DOWN TO BREAKFAST + +II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT + +III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY GRAND +PERSONAGES BESIDES + +IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA’S CHRISTENING + +V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID + +VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF + +VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL + +VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO CAME TO +COURT + +IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING-PAN + +X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION + +XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA + +XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER + +XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT HOGGINARMO + +XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO + +XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA + +XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO + +XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT + +XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL + +XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME + + + + +THE ROSE AND THE RING + + + + +I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SATE DOWN TO BREAKFAST + +This is Valoroso XXIV., King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen and +only child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the letter +which announces to His Majesty a proposed visit from Prince Bulbo, heir +of Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. Remark the delight upon the +monarch’s royal features. He is so absorbed in the perusal of the King +of Crim Tartary’s letter, that he allows his eggs to get cold, and +leaves his august muffins untasted. + +‘What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!’ cries Princess +Angelica; ‘so handsome, so accomplished, so witty--the conqueror of +Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!’ + +‘Who told you of him, my dear?’ asks His Majesty. + +‘A little bird,’ says Angelica. + +‘Poor Giglio!’ says mamma, pouring out the tea. + +‘Bother Giglio!’ cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled with +a thousand curl-papers. + +‘I wish,’ growls the King--‘I wish Giglio was. . .’ + +‘Was better? Yes, dear, he is better,’ says the Queen. ‘Angelica’s +little maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my room this morning +with my early tea.’ + +‘You are always drinking tea,’ said the monarch, with a scowl. + +‘It is better than drinking port or brandy and water;’ replies Her +Majesty. + +‘Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea,’ said +the King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his temper. +‘Angelica! I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your milliners’ bills +are long enough. My dear Queen, you must see and have some parties. I +prefer dinners, but of course you will be for balls. Your everlasting +blue velvet quite tires me: and, my love, I should like you to have a +new necklace. Order one. Not more than a hundred or a hundred and fifty +thousand pounds.’ + +‘And Giglio, dear?’ says the Queen. + +‘GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE--’ + +‘Oh, sir,’ screams Her Majesty. ‘Your own nephew! our late King’s only +son.’ + +‘Giglio may go to the tailor’s, and order the bills to be sent in to +Glumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. He need want +for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket-money, my dear; +and you may as well order yourself bracelets while you are about the +necklace, Mrs. V.’ + +Her Majesty, or MRS. V., as the monarch facetiously called her (for +even royalty will have its sport, and this august family were very +much attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round her +daughter’s waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to make all +things ready for the princely stranger. + +When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of the +HUSBAND and FATHER fled--the pride of the KING fled--the MAN was alone. +Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would describe Valoroso’s torments +in the choicest language; in which I would also depict his flashing +eye, his distended nostril--his dressing-gown, pocket-handkerchief, and +boots. But I need not say I have NOT the pen of that novelist; suffice +it to say, Valoroso was alone. + +He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many +egg-cups with which his princely board was served for the matin meal, +drew out a bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and emptied the cup +several times, and laid it down with a hoarse ‘Ha, ha, ha! now Valoroso +is a man again!’ + +‘But oh!’ he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), ‘ere I was a +king, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I detested the hot +brandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but nature’s rill. It dashes not +more quickly o’er the rocks than I did, as, with blunderbuss in hand, +I brushed away the early morning dew, and shot the partridge, snipe, or +antlered deer! Ah! well may England’s dramatist remark, “Uneasy lies +the head that wears a crown!” Why did I steal my nephew’s, my young +Giglio’s--? Steal! said I? no, no, no, not steal, not steal. Let me +withdraw that odious expression. I took, and on my manly head I set, the +royal crown of Paflagonia; I took, and with my royal arm I wield, the +sceptral rod of Paflagonia; I took, and in my outstretched hand I hold, +the royal orb of Paflagonia! Could a poor boy, a snivelling, drivelling +boy--was in his nurse’s arms but yesterday, and cried for sugarplums and +puled for pap--bear up the awful weight of crown, orb, sceptre? gird +on the sword my royal fathers wore, and meet in fight the tough Crimean +foe?’ + +And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we need +not say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had got it was +his duty to keep, and that, if at one time he had entertained ideas of a +certain restitution, which shall be nameless, the prospect by a CERTAIN +MARRIAGE of uniting two crowns and two nations which had been engaged +in bloody and expensive wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans had +been, put the idea of Giglio’s restoration to the throne out of the +question: nay, were his own brother, King Savio, alive, he would +certainly will the crown from his own son in order to bring about such a +desirable union. + +Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we wish is +right! The King took courage, read the papers, finished his muffins +and eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. The Queen, after +thinking whether she should go up and see Giglio, who had been sick, +thought ‘Not now. Business first; pleasure afterwards. I will go and see +dear Giglio this afternoon; and now I will drive to the jeweller’s, to +look for the necklace and bracelets.’ The Princess went up into her own +room, and made Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and as for +Giglio, they forgot him as much as I forget what I had for dinner last +Tuesday twelve-month. + + + + +II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT + +Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have been one +of those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not settled; for +when King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of the kingdom, and +guardian of Savio’s orphan infant, this unfaithful regent took no sort +of regard of the late monarch’s will; had himself proclaimed sovereign +of Paflagonia under the title of King Valoroso XXIV., had a most +splendid coronation, and ordered all the nobles of the kingdom to pay +him homage. So long as Valoroso gave them plenty of balls at Court, +plenty of money and lucrative places, the Paflagonian nobility did not +care who was king; and as for the people, in those early times, they +were equally indifferent. The Prince Giglio, by reason of his tender +age at his royal father’s death, did not feel the loss of his crown and +empire. As long as he had plenty of toys and sweetmeats, a holiday +five times a week and a horse and gun to go out shooting when he grew +a little older, and, above all, the company of his darling cousin, the +King’s only child, poor Giglio was perfectly contented; nor did he +envy his uncle the royal robes and sceptre, the great hot uncomfortable +throne of state, and the enormous cumbersome crown in which that monarch +appeared from morning till night. King Valoroso’s portrait has been +left to us; and I think you will agree with me that he must have been +sometimes RATHER TIRED of his velvet, and his diamonds, and his ermine, +and his grandeur. I shouldn’t like to sit in that stifling robe with +such a thing as that on my head. + +No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her youth; for though +she grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as shown in her +portrait, are certainly PLEASING. If she was fond of flattery, scandal, +cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently with her infirmities, which, +after all, may be no greater than our own. She was kind to her nephew; +and if she had any scruples of conscience about her husband’s taking the +young Prince’s crown, consoled herself by thinking that the King, though +a usurper, was a most respectable man, and that at his death Prince +Giglio would be restored to his throne, and share it with his cousin, +whom he loved so fondly. + +The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most cheerfully +swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands the monarch left +all the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso wanted was plenty of +money, plenty of hunting, plenty of flattery, and as little trouble as +possible. As long as he had his sport, this monarch cared little how +his people paid for it: he engaged in some wars, and of course +the Paflagonian newspapers announced that he had gained prodigious +victories: he had statues erected to himself in every city of the +empire; and of course his pictures placed everywhere, and in all the +print-shops: he was Valoroso the Magnanimous, Valoroso the Victorious, +Valoroso the Great, and so forth;--for even in these early times +courtiers and people knew how to flatter. + +This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, you may +be sure, was a paragon in the courtiers’ eyes, in her parents’, and in +her own. It was said she had the longest hair, the largest eyes, the +slimmest waist, the smallest foot, and the most lovely complexion of +any young lady in the Paflagonian dominions. Her accomplishments were +announced to be even superior to her beauty; and governesses used to +shame their idle pupils by telling them what Princess Angelica could do. +She could play the most difficult pieces of music at sight. She could +answer any one of Mangnall’s Questions. She knew every date in the +history of Paflagonia, and every other country. She knew French, +English, Italian, German, Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Cappadocian, +Samothracian, Aegean, and Crim Tartar. In a word, she was a most +accomplished young creature; and her governess and lady-in-waiting was +the severe Countess Gruffanuff. + + +Would you not fancy, from this picture, that Gruffanuff must have been a +person of highest birth? She looks so haughty that I should have thought +her a princess at the very least, with a pedigree reaching as far back +as the Deluge. But this lady was no better born than many other ladies +who give themselves airs; and all sensible people laughed at her absurd +pretensions. The fact is, she had been maid-servant to the Queen when +Her Majesty was only Princess, and her husband had been head footman; +but after his death or DISAPPEARANCE, of which you shall hear presently, +this Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and wheedling her royal +mistress, became a favourite with the Queen (who was rather a weak +woman), and Her Majesty gave her a title, and made her nursery governess +to the Princess. + +And now I must tell you about the Princess’s learning and +accomplishments, for which she had such a wonderful character. Clever +Angelica certainly was, but as IDLE as POSSIBLE. Play at sight, indeed! +she could play one or two pieces, and pretend that she had never seen +them before; she could answer half a dozen Mangnall’s Questions; but +then you must take care to ask the RIGHT ones. As for her languages, +she had masters in plenty, but I doubt whether she knew more than a few +phrases in each, for all her presence; and as for her embroidery and her +drawing, she showed beautiful specimens, it is true, but WHO DID THEM? + +This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back ever so +far, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK. + + + + +III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY GRAND +PERSONAGES BESIDES + +Between the kingdoms of Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived a +mysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the Fairy +Blackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch which she carried; on which +she rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of business or +pleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. + +When she was young, and had been first taught the art of conjuring +by the necromancer, her father, she was always practicing her skill, +whizzing about from one kingdom to another upon her black stick, and +conferring her fairy favours upon this Prince or that. She had scores of +royal godchildren; turned numberless wicked people into beasts, birds, +millstones, clocks, pumps, boot jacks, umbrellas, or other absurd +shapes; and, in a word, was one of the most active and officious of the +whole College of fairies. + +But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I suppose +Blackstick grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, ‘What good am I +doing by sending this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? by fixing a +black pudding on to that booby’s nose? by causing diamonds and pearls to +drop from one little girl’s mouth, and vipers and toads from another’s? +I begin to think I do as much harm as good by my performances. I might +as well shut my incantations up, and allow things to take their natural +course. + +‘There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio’s wife, and Duke +Padella’s wife, I gave them each a present, which was to render them +charming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure the affection of +those gentlemen as long as they lived. What good did my Rose and my Ring +do these two women? None on earth. From having all their whims indulged +by their husbands, they became capricious, lazy, ill-humoured, absurdly +vain, and leered and languished, and fancied themselves irresistibly +beautiful, when they were really quite old and hideous, the ridiculous +creatures! They used actually to patronise me when I went to pay them +a visit--ME, the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom of the +necromancers, and could have turned them into baboons, and all their +diamonds into strings of onions, by a single wave of my rod!’ So +she locked up her books in her cupboard, declined further magical +performances, and scarcely used her wand at all except as a cane to walk +about with. + +So when Duke Padella’s lady had a little son (the Duke was at that +time only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), Blackstick, +although invited to the christening, would not so much as attend; but +merely sent her compliments and a silver papboat for the baby, which was +really not worth a couple of guineas. About the same time the Queen +of Paflagonia presented His Majesty with a son and heir; and guns +were fired, the capital illuminated, and no end of feasts ordained to +celebrate the young Prince’s birth. It was thought the fairy, who was +asked to be his godmother, would at least have presented him with an +invisible jacket, a flying horse, a Fortunatus’s purse, or some other +valuable token of her favour; but instead, Blackstick went up to +the cradle of the child Giglio, when everybody was admiring him and +complimenting his royal papa and mamma, and said, ‘My poor child, the +best thing I can send you is a little MISFORTUNE’; and this was all +she would utter, to the disgust of Giglio’s parents, who died very soon +after, when Giglio’s uncle took the throne, as we read in Chapter I. + +In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a christening +of his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy Blackstick, who had been invited, +was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio’s case. Whilst everybody was +expatiating over the beauty of the darling child, and congratulating +its parents, the Fairy Blackstick looked very sadly at the baby and its +mother, and said, ‘My good woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, and +no more minded a Queen than a washerwoman)--my good woman, these people +who are following you will be the first to turn against you; and as for +this little lady, the best thing I can wish her is a LITTLE MISFORTUNE.’ +So she touched Rosalba with her black wand, looked severely at the +courtiers, motioned the Queen an adieu with her hand, and sailed slowly +up into the air out of the window. + +When she was gone, the Court people, who had been awed and silent in her +presence, began to speak. ‘What an odious Fairy she is (they said)--a +pretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she went to the King of Paflagonia’s +christening, and pretended to do all sorts of things for that family; +and what has happened--the Prince, her godson, has been turned off his +throne by his uncle. Would we allow our sweet Princess to be deprived of +her rights by any enemy? Never, never, never, never!’ + +And they all shouted in a chorus, ‘Never, never, never, never!’ + +Now, I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers show +their fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore’s vassals, the Duke Padella +just mentioned, rebelled against the King, who went out to chastise +his rebellious subject. ‘Any one rebel against our beloved and august +Monarch!’ cried the courtiers; ‘any one resist HIM? Pooh! He is +invincible, irresistible. He will bring home Padella a prisoner, and tie +him to a donkey’s tail, and drive him round the town, saying, “This is +the way the Great Cavolfiore treats rebels.”’ + +The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the poor Queen, who was a +very timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill that I am sorry +to say she died; leaving injunctions with her ladies to take care of +the dear little Rosalba.--Of course they said they would. Of course they +vowed they would die rather than any harm should happen to the Princess. +At first the Crim Tartar Court Journal stated that the King was +obtaining great victories over the audacious rebel: then it was +announced that the troops of the infamous Padella were in flight: then +it was said that the royal army would soon come up with the enemy, and +then--then the news came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slain +by His Majesty, King Padella the First! + +At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to the +conquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on all the +best articles in the palace; and poor little Rosalba was left there +quite alone--quite alone; and she toddled from one room to another, +crying, ‘Countess! Duchess!’ (Only she said ‘Tountess, Duttess,’ not +being able to speak plain) ‘bring me my mutton sop; my Royal Highness +hungy! Tountess! Duttess!’ And she went from the private apartments into +the throne-room and nobody was there;--and thence into the ballroom +and nobody was there;--and thence into the pages’ room and nobody was +there;--and she toddled down the great staircase into the hall and +nobody was there;--and the door was open, and she went into the court, +and into the garden, and thence into the wilderness, and thence into the +forest where the wild beasts live, and was never heard of any more! + +A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the wood +in the mouths of two lionesses’ cubs whom KING PADELLA and a royal +hunting party shot--for he was King now, and reigned over Crim Tartary. +‘So the poor little Princess is done for,’ said he; ‘well, what’s done +can’t be helped. Gentlemen, let us go to luncheon!’ And one of the +courtiers took up the shoe and put it in his pocket. And there was an +end of Rosalba! + + + + +IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA’S CHRISTENING + +When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did not ask +the Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave orders to their +porter absolutely to refuse her if she called. This porter’s name +was Gruffanuff, and he had been selected for the post by their Royal +Highnesses because he was a very tall fierce man, who could say ‘Not +at home’ to a tradesman or an unwelcome visitor with a rudeness which +frightened most such persons away. He was the husband of that Countess +whose picture we have just seen, and as long as they were together they +quarrelled from morning till night. Now this fellow tried his rudeness +once too often, as you shall hear. For the Fairy Blackstick coming to +call upon the Prince and Princess, who were actually sitting at the open +drawing-room window, Gruffanuff not only denied them, but made the most +ODIOUS VULGAR SIGN as he was going to slam the door in the Fairy’s face! +‘Git away, hold Blackstick!’ said he. ‘I tell you, Master and Missis +ain’t at home to you;’ and he was, as we have said, GOING to slam the +door. + +But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut; and +Gruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in the most abominable +way, and asking the Fairy ‘whether she thought he was a going to stay at +that there door hall day?’ + +‘You ARE going to stay at that door all day and all night, and for many +a long year,’ the Fairy said, very majestically; and Gruffanuff, coming +out of the door, straddling before it with his great calves, burst out +laughing, and cried, ‘Ha, ha, ha! this is a good un! Ha--ah--what’s +this? Let me down--O--o--H’m!’ and then he was dumb! + +For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising off +the ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as if a screw +ran into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, and was pinned to +the door; and then his arms flew up over his head; and his legs, after +writhing about wildly, twisted under his body; and he felt cold, +cold, growing over him, as if he was turning into metal; and he said, +‘O--o--H’m!’ and could say no more, because he was dumb. + +He WAS turned into metal! He was, from being BRAZEN, BRASS! He was +neither more nor less than a knocker! And there he was, nailed to the +door in the blazing summer day, till he burned almost red-hot; and there +he was, nailed to the door all the bitter winter nights, till his brass +nose was dropping with icicles. And the postman came and rapped at him, +and the vulgarest boy with a letter came and hit him up against the +door. And the King and Queen (Princess and Prince they were then) coming +home from a walk that evening, the King said, ‘Hullo, my dear! you have +had a new knocker put on the door. Why, it’s rather like our porter in +the face! What has become of that boozy vagabond?’ And the house-maid +came and scrubbed his nose with sandpaper; and once, when the Princess +Angelica’s little sister was born, he was tied up in an old kid glove; +and, another night, some LARKING young men tried to wrench him off, and +put him to the most excruciating agony with a turn screw. And then +the Queen had a fancy to have the colour of the door altered; and the +painters dabbed him over the mouth and eyes, and nearly choked him, as +they painted him pea-green. I warrant he had leisure to repent of having +been rude to the Fairy Blackstick! + +As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he was always guzzling +beer at the public-house, and notoriously quarrelling with his wife, and +in debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he had run away from all these +evils, and emigrated to Australia or America. And when the Prince and +Princess chose to become King and Queen, they left their old house, and +nobody thought of the porter any more. + + + + +V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID + +One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, she +was walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, the +governess, holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet complexion +from the freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to feed the swans +and ducks in the royal pond. + +They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up to them +such a funny little girl! She had a great quantity of hair blowing about +her chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she had not been washed or +combed for ever so long. She wore a ragged bit of a cloak, and had only +one shoe on. + +‘You little wretch, who let you in here?’ asked Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +‘Div me dat bun,’ said the little girl, ‘me vely hungy.’ + +‘Hungry! what is that?’ asked Princess Angelica, and gave the child the +bun. + +‘Oh, Princess!’ says Mrs. Gruffanuff, ‘how good, how kind, how truly +angelical you are! See, Your Majesties,’ she said to the King and Queen, +who now came up, along with their nephew, Prince Giglio, ‘how kind the +Princess is! She met this little dirty wretch in the garden--I can’t +tell how she came in here, or why the guards did not shoot her dead at +the gate!--and the dear darling of a Princess has given her the whole of +her bun!’ + +‘I didn’t want it,’ said Angelical + +‘But you are a darling little angel all the same,’ says the governess. + +‘Yes; I know I am,’ said Angelical ‘Dirty little girl, don’t you think +I am very pretty?’ Indeed, she had on the finest of little dresses and +hats; and, as her hair was carefully curled, she really looked very +well. + +‘Oh, pooty, pooty!’ says the little girl, capering about, laughing, and +dancing, and munching her bun; and as she ate it she began to sing, ‘Oh, +what fun to have a plum bun! how I wis it never was done!’ At which, +and her funny accent, Angelica, Giglio, and the King and Queen began to +laugh very merrily. + +‘I can dance as well as sing,’ says the little girl. ‘I can dance, and I +can sing, and I can do all sorts of ting.’ And she ran to a flower-bed, +and pulling a few polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and other flowers, made +herself a little wreath, and danced before the King and Queen so drolly +and prettily, that everybody was delighted. + +‘Who was your mother--who were your relations, little girl?’ said the +Queen. + +The little girl said, ‘Little lion was my brudder; great big lioness my +mudder; neber heard of any udder.’ And she capered away on her one shoe, +and everybody was exceedingly diverted. + +So Angelica said to the Queen, ‘Mamma, my parrot flew away yesterday out +of its cage, and I don’t care any more for any of my toys; and I think +this funny little dirty child will amuse me. I will take her home, and +give her some of my old frocks.’ + +‘Oh, the generous darling!’ says Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +‘Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of,’ Angelica +went on; ‘and she shall be my little maid. Will you come home with me, +little dirty girl?’ + +The child clapped her hands, and said, ‘Go home with you--yes! You pooty +Princess!--Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress!’ + +And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the palace, +where, when she was washed and combed, and had one of the Princess’s +frocks given to her, she looked as handsome as Angelica, almost. Not +that Angelica ever thought so; for this little lady never imagined +that anybody in the world could be as pretty, as good, or as clever as +herself. In order that the little girl should not become too proud and +conceited, Mrs. Gruffanuff took her old ragged mantle and one shoe, and +put them into a glass box, with a card laid upon them, upon which was +written, ‘These were the old clothes in which little BETSINDA was found +when the great goodness and admirable kindness of Her Royal Highness the +Princess Angelica received this little outcast.’ And the date was added, +and the box locked up. + +For a while little Betsinda was a great favourite with the Princess, and +she danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, to amuse her mistress. +But then the Princess got a monkey, and afterwards a little dog, and +afterwards a doll, and did not care for Betsinda any more, who became +very melancholy and quiet, and sang no more funny songs, because nobody +cared to hear her. And then, as she grew older, she was made a little +lady’s-maid to the Princess; and though she had no wages, she worked +and mended, and put Angelica’s hair in papers, and was never cross when +scolded, and was always eager to please her mistress, and was always +up early and to bed late, and at hand when wanted, and in fact became +a perfect little maid. So the two girls grew up, and, when the Princess +came out, Betsinda was never tired of waiting on her; and made her +dresses better than the best milliner, and was useful in a hundred ways. +Whilst the Princess was having her masters, Betsinda would sit and watch +them; and in this way she picked up a great deal of learn ing; for she +was always awake, though her mistress was not, and listened to the wise +professors when Angelica was yawning or thinking of the next ball. And +when the dancing-master came, Betsinda learned along with Angelica; +and when the music-master came, she watched him, and practiced the +Princess’s pieces when Angelica was away at balls and parties; and when +the drawing-master came, she took note of all he said and did; and the +same with French, Italian, and all other languages--she learned them +from the teacher who came to Angelica. When the Princess was going out +of an evening she would say, ‘My good Betsinda, you may as well finish +what I have begun.’ ‘Yes, miss,’ Betsinda would say, and sit down very +cheerful, not to FINISH what Angelica began, but to DO it. + +For instance, the Princess would begin a head of a warrior, let us say, +and when it was begun it was something like this-- + +But when it was done, the warrior was like this-- + +(only handsomer still if possible), and the Princess put her name to the +drawing; and the Court and King and Queen, and above all poor Giglio, +admired the picture of all things, and said, ‘Was there ever a genius +like Angelica?’ So, I am sorry to say, was it with the Princess’s +embroidery and other accomplishments; and Angelica actually believed +that she did these things herself, and received all the flattery of +the Court as if every word of it was true. Thus she began to think that +there was no young woman in all the world equal to herself, and that no +young man was good enough for her. As for Betsinda, as she heard none of +these praises, she was not puffed up by them, and being a most grateful, +good-natured girl, she was only too anxious to do everything which might +give her mistress pleasure. Now you begin to perceive that Angelica +had faults of her own, and was by no means such a wonder of wonders as +people represented Her Royal Highness to be. + + + + +VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF + +And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the reigning +monarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in page seven, that +as long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good horse to ride, and money +in his pocket, or rather to take out of his pocket, for he was very +good-natured, my young Prince did not care for the loss of his crown and +sceptre, being a thoughtless youth, not much inclined to politics or any +kind of learning. So his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio would not +learn classics or mathematics, and the Lord Chancellor of Paflagonia, +SQUARETOSO, pulled a very long face because the Prince could not be got +to study the Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other hand, +the King’s gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt pupil; +the dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant and assiduous +scholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave the most flattering +reports of the Prince’s skill; so did the Groom of the Tennis Court; +and as for the Captain of the Guard and Fencing Master, the VALIANT and +VETERAN Count KUTASOFF HEDZOFF, he avowed that since he ran the General +of Crim Tartary, the dreadful Grumbuskin, through the body, he never had +encountered so expert a swordsman as Prince Giglio. + +I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the Prince +and Princess walking together in the palace garden, and because Giglio +kissed Angelica’s hand in a polite manner. In the first place they are +cousins; next, the Queen is walking in the garden too (you cannot see +her, for she happens to be behind that tree), and Her Majesty always +wished that Angelica and Giglio should marry: so did Giglio: so did +Angelica sometimes, for she thought her cousin very handsome, brave, +and good-natured: but then you know she was so clever and knew so many +things, and poor Giglio knew nothing, and had no conversation. When they +looked at the stars, what did Giglio know of the heavenly bodies? Once, +when on a sweet night in a balcony where they were standing, Angelica +said, ‘There is the Bear.’ ‘Where?’ says Giglio. ‘Don’t be afraid, +Angelica! if a dozen bears come, I will kill them rather than they shall +hurt you.’ ‘Oh, you silly creature!’ says she; ‘you are very good, but +you are not very wise.’ When they looked at the flowers, Giglio was +utterly unacquainted with botany, and had never heard of Linnaeus. +When the butterflies passed, Giglio knew nothing about them, being as +ignorant of entomology as I am of algebra. So you see, Angelica, though +she liked Giglio pretty well, despised him on account of his ignorance. +I think she probably valued HER OWN LEARNING rather too much; but to +think too well of one’s self is the fault of people of all ages and both +sexes. Finally, when nobody else was there, Angelica liked her cousin +well enough. + +King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and withal so fond of good +dinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook Marmitonio), +that it was supposed he could not live long. Now the idea of anything +happening to the King struck the artful Prime Minister and the designing +old lady-in-waiting with terror. For, thought Glumboso and the Countess, +‘when Prince Giglio marries his cousin and comes to the throne, what a +pretty position we shall be in, whom he dislikes, and who have always +been unkind to him. We shall lose our places in a trice; Mrs. Gruffanuff +will have to give up all the jewels, laces, snuff-boxes, rings, and +watches which belonged to the Queen, Giglio’s mother; and Glumboso will +be forced to refund two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine +hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, +thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, money left to Prince Giglio +by his poor dear father.’ + +So the Lady of Honour and the Prime Minister hated Giglio because they +had done him a wrong; and these unprincipled people invented a hundred +cruel stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence the King, Queen, +and Princess against him; how he was so ignorant that he could not spell +the commonest words, and actually wrote Valoroso Valloroso, and spelt +Angelica with two l’s; how he drank a great deal too much wine at +dinner, and was always idling in the stables with the grooms; how he +owed ever so much money at the pastry-cook’s and the haberdasher’s; how +he used to go to sleep at church; how he was fond of playing cards with +the pages. So did the Queen like playing cards; so did the King go +to sleep at church, and eat and drink too much; and, if Giglio owed +a trifle for tarts, who owed him two hundred and seventeen thousand +millions nine hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and +thirty-nine pounds, thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I should +like to know? Detractors and tale-bearers (in my humble opinion) had +much better look at HOME. All this backbiting and slandering had effect +upon Princess Angelica, who began to look coldly on her cousin, then to +laugh at him and scorn him for being so stupid, then to sneer at him for +having vulgar associates; and at Court balls, dinners, and so forth, +to treat him so unkindly that poor Giglio became quite ill, took to his +bed, and sent for the doctor. + +His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons for +disliking his nephew; and as for those innocent readers who ask why?--I +beg (with the permission of their dear parents) to refer them to +Shakespeare’s pages, where they will read why King John disliked Prince +Arthur. With the Queen, his royal but weak-minded aunt, when Giglio was +out of sight he was out of mind. While she had her whist and her evening +parties, she cared for little else. + +I dare say TWO VILLAINS, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor Pildrafto, +the Court Physician, had killed Giglio right out, but he only bled +and physicked him so severely that the Prince was kept to his room for +several months, and grew as thin as a post. + +Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came to the Court of +Paflagonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and who was +Painter in Ordinary to the King of Crim Tartary, Paflagonia’s neighbour. +Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the Court, who were delighted with his works; +for even Countess Gruffanuff looked young and Glumboso good-humoured +in his pictures. ‘He flatters very much,’ some people said. ‘Nay!’ says +Princess Angelica, ‘I am above flattery, and I think he did not make my +picture handsome enough. I can’t bear to hear a man of genius unjustly +cried down, and I hope my dear papa will make Lorenzo a knight of his +Order of the Cucumber.’ + +The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed Her Royal Highness +could draw so BEAUTIFULLY that the idea of her taking lessons was +absurd, yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and it was wonderful, +AS LONG AS SHE PAINTED IN HIS STUDIO, what beautiful pictures she made! +Some of the performances were engraved for the Book of Beauty: others +were sold for enormous sums at Charity Bazaars. She wrote the +SIGNATURES under the drawings, no doubt, but I think I know who-did +the pictures--this artful painter, who had come with other designs on +Angelica than merely to teach her to draw. + +One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait of a young man in +armour, with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an expression at +once melancholy and interesting. + +‘Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?’ asked the Princess. + +‘I never saw anyone so handsome,’ says Countess Gruffanuff (the old +humbug). + +‘That,’ said the painter, ‘that, Madam, is the portrait of my august +young master, his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, +Duke of Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, and Knight Grand Cross +of the Order of the Pumpkin. That is the order of the Pumpkin glittering +on his manly breast, and received by His Royal Highness from his august +father, His Majesty King PADELLA I., for his gallantry at the battle +of Rimbombamento, when he slew with his own princely hand the King +of Ograria and two hundred and eleven giants of the two hundred and +eighteen who formed the King’s bodyguard. The remainder were destroyed +by the brave Crim Tartar army after an obstinate combat, in which the +Crim Tartars suffered severely.’ + +What a Prince! thought Angelica: so brave--so calm-looking--so +young--what a hero! + +‘He is as accomplished as he is brave,’ continued the Court Painter. +‘He knows all languages perfectly: sings deliciously: plays every +instrument: composes operas which have been acted a thousand nights +running at the Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, and danced in a ballet +there before the King and Queen; in which he looked so beautiful, that +his cousin, the lovely daughter of the King of Circassia, died for love +of him.’ + +‘Why did he not marry the poor Princess?’ asked Angelica, with a sigh. + +‘Because they were FIRST COUSINS, Madam, and the clergy forbid these +unions,’ said the Painter. ‘And, besides, the young Prince had given his +royal heart ELSEWHERE.’ + +‘And to whom?’ asked Her Royal Highness. + +‘I am not at liberty to mention the Princess’s name,’ answered the +Painter. + +‘But you may tell me the first letter of it,’ gasped out the Princess. + +‘That Your Royal Highness is at liberty to guess,’ said Lorenzo. + +‘Does it begin with a Z?’ asked Angelica. + +The Painter said it wasn’t a Z; then she tried a Y; then an X; then a W, +and went so backwards through almost the whole alphabet. + +When she came to D, and it wasn’t D, she grew very excited; when she +came to C, and it wasn’t C, she was still more nervous; when she came +to B, AND IT WASN’T B, ‘O dearest Gruffanuff,’ she said, ‘lend me your +smelling-bottle!’ and, hiding her head in the Countess’s shoulder, she +faintly whispered, ‘Ah, Signor, can it be A?’ + +‘It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal Master’s orders, tell Your +Royal Highness the Princess’s name, whom he fondly, madly, devotedly, +rapturously loves, I may show you her portrait,’ says this slyboots: +and leading the Princess up to a gilt frame, he drew a curtain which was +before it. + +O goodness! the frame contained A LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw her +own face! + + + + +VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL + +The Court Painter of His Majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned to +that monarch’s dominions, carrying away a number of sketches which he +had made in the Paflagonian capital (you know, of course, my dears, that +the name of that capital is Blombodinga); but the most charming of all +his pieces was a portrait of the Princess Angelica, which all the Crim +Tartar nobles came to see. With this work the King was so delighted, +that he decorated the Painter with his Order of the Pumpkin (sixth +class) and the artist became Sir Tomaso Lorenzo, K.P., thenceforth. + +King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, besides a +handsome order for money, for he painted the King, Queen, and principal +nobility while at Blombodinga, and became all the fashion, to the +perfect rage of all the artists in Paflagonia, where the King used to +point to the portrait of Prince Bulbo, which Sir Tomaso had left behind +him, and say ‘Which among you can paint a picture like that?’ + +It hung in the royal parlour over the royal sideboard, and Princess +Angelica could always look at it as she sat making the tea. Each day it +seemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the Princess grew so fond +of looking at it, that she would often spill the tea over the cloth, at +which her father and mother would wink and wag their heads, and say to +each other, ‘Aha! we see how things are going.’ + +In the meantime poor Giglio lay upstairs very sick in his chamber, +though he took all the doctor’s horrible medicines like a good young +lad; as I hope YOU do, my dears, when you are ill and mamma sends for +the medical man. And the only person who visited Giglio (besides his +friend the captain of the guard, who was almost always busy or on +parade), was little Betsinda the housemaid, who used to do his bedroom +and sitting-room out, bring him his gruel, and warm his bed. + +When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and evening, Prince +Giglio used to say, ‘Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the Princess Angelica?’ + +And Betsinda used to answer, ‘The Princess is very well, thank you, my +Lord.’ And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, if Angelica were sick, +I am sure _I_ should not be very well. + +Then Giglio would say, ‘Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked for +me today?’ And Betsinda would answer, ‘No, my Lord, not today’; or, ‘she +was very busy practicing the piano when I saw her’; or, ‘she was writing +invitations for an evening party, and did not speak to me’; or make some +excuse or other, not strictly consonant with truth: for Betsinda was +such a good-natured creature that she strove to do everything to prevent +annoyance to Prince Giglio, and even brought him up roast chicken and +jellies from the kitchen (when the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio was +getting better), saying, ‘that the Princess had made the jelly, or the +bread-sauce, with her own hands, on purpose for Giglio.’ + +When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to mend immediately; +and gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last bone of the +chicken--drumsticks, merry-thought, sides’-bones, back, pope’s nose, +and all--thanking his dear Angelica; and he felt so much better the next +day, that he dressed and went downstairs, where, whom should he meet +but Angelica going into the drawing-room? All the covers were off the +chairs, the chandeliers taken out of the bags, the damask curtains +uncovered, the work and things carried away, and the handsomest albums +on the tables. Angelica had her hair in papers: in a word, it was +evident there was going to be a party. + +‘Heavens, Giglio!’ cries Angelica: ‘YOU here in such a dress! What a +figure you are!’ + +‘Yes, dear Angelica, I am come downstairs, and feel so well today, +thanks to the FOWL and the JELLY.’ + +‘What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them in that +rude way?’ says Angelica. + +‘Why, didn’t--didn’t you send them, Angelica dear?’ says Giglio. + +‘I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio dear,’ says she, mocking +him, ‘_I_ was engaged in getting the rooms ready for His Royal Highness +the Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay my papa’s Court a +visit.’ + +‘The--Prince--of--Crim--Tartary!’ Giglio said, aghast. + +‘Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary,’ says Angelica, mocking him. ‘I dare +say you never heard of such a country. What DID you ever hear of? You +don’t know whether Crim Tartary is on the Red Sea or on the Black Sea, I +dare say.’ + +‘Yes, I do, it’s on the Red Sea,’ says Giglio, at which the Princess +burst out laughing at him, and said, ‘Oh, you ninny! You are so +ignorant, you are really not fit for society! You know nothing but about +horses and dogs, and are only fit to dine in a mess-room with my Royal +father’s heaviest dragoons. Don’t look so surprised at me, sir: go +and put your best clothes on to receive the Prince, and let me get the +drawing-room ready.’ + +Giglio said, ‘Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn’t think this of you. THIS +wasn’t your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I gave you +mine in the garden, and you gave me that k--’ + +But what k was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, cried, +‘Get out, you saucy, rude creature! How dare you to remind me of your +rudeness? As for your little trumpery twopenny ring, there, sir, there!’ +And she flung it out of the window. + +‘It was my mother’s marriage-ring,’ cried Giglio. + +‘_I_ don’t care whose marriage-ring it was,’ cries Angelica. ‘Marry the +person who picks it up if she’s a woman; you shan’t marry ME. And give +me back MY ring. I’ve no patience with people who boast about the things +they give away! _I_ know who’ll give me much finer things than you ever +gave me. A beggarly ring indeed, not worth five shillings!’ + +Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her was a +fairy ring: if a man wore it, it made all the women in love with him; +if a woman, all the gentlemen. The Queen, Giglio’s mother, quite an +ordinary-looking person, was admired immensely whilst she wore this +ring, and her husband was frantic when she was ill. But when she called +her little Giglio to her, and put the ring on his finger, King Savio did +not seem to care for his wife so much any more, but transferred all his +love to little Giglio. So did everybody love him as long as he had the +ring; but when, as quite a child, he gave it to Angelica, people began +to love and admire HER; and Giglio, as the saying is, played only second +fiddle. + +‘Yes,’ says Angelica, going on in her foolish ungrateful way. ‘_I_ +know who’ll give me much finer things than your beggarly little pearl +nonsense.’ + +‘Very good, miss! You may take back your ring too!’ says Giglio, his +eyes flashing fire at her, and then, as his eyes had been suddenly +opened, he cried out, ‘Ha! what does this mean? Is THIS the woman I have +been in love with all my life? Have I been such a ninny as to throw away +my regard upon you? Why--actually--yes--you are a little crooked!’ + +‘Oh, you wretch!’ cries Angelica. + +‘And, upon my conscience, you--you squint a little.’ + +‘Eh!’ cries Angelica. + +‘And your hair is red--and you are marked with the smallpox--and what? +you have three false teeth--and one leg shorter than the other!’ + +‘You brute, you brute, you!’ Angelica screamed out: and as she seized +the ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three smacks on the +face, and would have pulled the hair off his head had he not started +laughing, and crying-- + +‘Oh dear me, Angelica, don’t pull out MY hair, it hurts! You might +remove a great deal of YOUR OWN, as I perceive, without scissors or +pulling at all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! ho he he!’ + +And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage; when, +with a low bow, and dressed in his Court habit, Count Gambabella, +the first lord-in-waiting, entered and said, ‘Royal Highnesses! Their +Majesties expect you in the Pink Throne-room, where they await the +arrival of the Prince of CRIM TARTARY.’ + + + + +VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO CAME TO +COURT + +Prince Bulbo’s arrival had set all the court in a flutter: everybody was +ordered to put his or her best clothes on: the footmen had their gala +liveries; the Lord Chancellor his new wig; the Guards their last +new tunics; and Countess Gruffanuff, you may be sure, was glad of an +opportunity of decorating HER old person with her finest things. She was +walking through the court of the Palace on her way to wait upon Their +Majesties, when she espied something glittering on the pavement, and +bade the boy in buttons who was holding up her train, to go and pick up +the article shining yonder. He was an ugly little wretch, in some of the +late groom-porter’s old clothes cut down, and much too tight for him; +and yet, when he had taken up the ring (as it turned out to be), and was +carrying it to his mistress, she thought he looked like a little cupid. +He gave the ring to her; it was a trumpery little thing enough, but too +small for any of her old knuckles, so she put it into her pocket. + +‘Oh, mum!’ says the boy, looking at her ‘how--how beyoutiful you do +look, mum, today, mum!’ + +‘And you, too, Jacky,’ she was going to say; but, looking down +at him--no, he was no longer good-looking at all--but only the +carroty-haired little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is welcome +from the ugliest of men or boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding the boy hold +up her train, walked on in high good-humour. The guards saluted her +with peculiar respect. Captain Hedzoff, in the anteroom, said, ‘My +dear madam, you look like an angel today.’ And so, bowing and smirking, +Gruffanuff went in and took her place behind her Royal Master and +Mistress, who were in the throne-room, awaiting the Prince of Crim +Tartary. Princess Angelica sat at their feet, and behind the King’s +chair stood Prince Giglio, looking very savage. + +The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron +Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying the +most beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his travelling +costume, and his hair, as you see, was a little in disorder. ‘I have +ridden three hundred miles since breakfast,’ said he, ‘so eager was I to +behold the Prin--the Court and august family of Paflagonia, and I could +not wait one minute before appearing in Your Majesties’ presences.’ + +Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of contemptuous +laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so flurried, that they +did not hear this little outbreak. ‘Your R. H. is welcome in any dress,’ +says the King. ‘Glumboso, a chair for His Royal Highness.’ + +‘Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court dress,’ says Princess +Angelica, smiling graciously. + +‘Ah! but you should see my other clothes,’ said the Prince. ‘I should +have had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought them. Who’s +that laughing?’ + +It was Giglio laughing. ‘I was laughing,’ he said, ‘because you said +just now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess, that you +could not wait to change your dress; and now you say you come in those +clothes because you have no others.’ + +‘And who are you?’ says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely. + +‘My father was King of this country, and I am his only son, Prince!’ +replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness. + +‘Ha!’ said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the former, +collecting himself, said, ‘Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to introduce to +Your Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal Highness Prince Giglio! +Know each other! Embrace each other! Giglio, give His Royal Highness +your hand!’ and Giglio, giving his hand, squeezed poor Bulbo’s until the +tears ran out of his eyes. Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royal +visitor, and placed it on the platform on which the King, Queen, and +Prince were seated; but the chair was on the edge of the platform, and +as Bulbo sat down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over and +over, and bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder at this +disaster, but it was with laughter; so did all the Court when Prince +Bulbo got up; for though when he entered the room he appeared not very +ridiculous, as he stood up from his fall for a moment he looked so +exceedingly plain and foolish, that nobody could help laughing at him. +When he had entered the room, he was observed to carry a rose in his +hand, which fell out of it as he tumbled. + +‘My rose! my rose!’ cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed forwards and +picked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it in his waistcoat. +Then people wondered why they had laughed; there was nothing +particularly ridiculous in him. He was rather short, rather stout, +rather red-haired, but, in fine, for a Prince, not so bad. + +So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the Crim +Tartar officers with those of Paflagonia--Giglio very comfortable with +Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such tender eyes, +that her heart was all in a flutter. ‘Oh, dear Prince,’ she said, ‘how +could you speak so haughtily in presence of Their Majesties? I protest I +thought I should have fainted.’ + +‘I should have caught you in my arms,’ said Giglio, looking raptures. + +‘Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?’ says Gruff. + + +‘Because I hate him,’ says Gil. + +‘You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica,’ cries +Gruffanuff, putting her handkerchief to her eyes. + +‘I did, but I love her no more!’ Giglio cried. ‘I despise her! Were she +heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her and scorn her. +But why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I am too weak to recover +it--I am alone, and have no friend.’ + +‘Oh, say not so, dear Prince!’ says Gruffanuff. + +‘Besides,’ says he, ‘I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE that I would +not change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!’ + +‘What are you two people chattering about there?’ says the Queen, who +was rather good-natured, though not overburthened with wisdom. ‘It is +time to dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his room. Prince, +if your clothes have not come, we shall be very happy to see you as you +are.’ But when Prince Bulbo got to his bedroom, his luggage was there +and unpacked; and the hairdresser coming in, cut and curled him entirely +to his own satisfaction; and when the dinner-bell rang, the Royal +company had not to wait above five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo +appeared, during which time the King, who could not bear to wait, grew +as sulky as possible. As for Giglio, he never left Madam Gruffanuff all +this time, but stood with her in the embrasure of a window, paying her +compliments. At length the Groom of the Chambers announced His Royal +Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary! and the noble company went into the +royal dining-room. It was quite a small party; only the King and Queen, +the Princess, whom Bulbo took out, the two Princes, Countess Gruffanuff, +Glumboso the Prime Minister, and Prince Bulbo’s chamberlain. You may be +sure they had a very good dinner--let every boy or girl think of what he +or she likes best, and fancy it on the table.* + + *Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children + saying what they like best for dinner. + +The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of Crimea, +who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes off his plate, +except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent a quantity of stuffing +and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio only burst out a-laughing +as the Crimean Prince wiped his shirt-front and face with his scented +pocket-handkerchief. He did not make Prince Bulbo any apology. When the +Prince looked at him, Giglio would not look that way. When Prince Bulbo +said, ‘Prince Giglio, may I have the honour of taking a glass of wine +with you?’ Giglio WOULDN’T answer. All his talk and his eyes were for +Countess Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased with Giglio’s +attentions--the vain old creature! When he was not complimenting her, +he was making fun of Prince Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was always +tapping him with her fan, and saying--‘Oh, you satirical Prince! Oh, +fie, the Prince will hear!’ ‘Well, I don’t mind,’ says Giglio, louder +still. The King and Queen luckily did not hear; for Her Majesty was a +little deaf, and the King thought so much about his own dinner, and, +besides, made such a dreadful noise, hobgobbling in eating it, that +he heard nothing else. After dinner, His Majesty and the Queen went to +sleep in their arm-chairs. + +This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, plying +that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira, champagne, marsala, +cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which Master Bulbo drank without +stint. But in plying his guest, Giglio was obliged to drink himself, +and, I am sorry to say, took more than was good for him, so that the +young men were very noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladies +after dinner; and dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, my +darlings, you shall hear! + +Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and singing, +and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when the footman +brought it, and he laughed out of place, and talked absurdly, and fell +asleep and snored horridly. Booh, the nasty pig! But as he lay there +stretched on the pink satin sofa, Angelica still persisted in thinking +him the most beautiful of human beings. No doubt the magic rose which +Bulbo wore caused this infatuation on Angelica’s part; but is she the +first young woman who has thought a silly fellow charming? + +Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too, +every moment began to find more lovely. He paid the most outrageous +compliments to her:--There never was such a darling--Older than he +was?--Fiddle-de-dee! He would marry her--he would have nothing but her! + +To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful hussy +actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, ‘This is to give +notice that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby +promise to marry the charming and virtuous Barbara Griselda, Countess +Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq.’ + +‘What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?’ says Giglio, who was +lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table. + +‘Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and +blankets to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and Queen are +both asleep, and your Royal Highness’s order will do.’ + +So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed the +order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you may fancy +what airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce out of the room +before the Queen herself, as now she was the wife of the RIGHTFUL King +of Paflagonia! She would not speak to Glumboso, whom she thought a +brute, for depriving her DEAR HUSBAND of the crown! And when candles +came, and she had helped to undress the Queen and Princess, she went +into her own room, and actually practiced on a sheet of paper, ‘Griselda +Paflagonia,’ ‘Barbara Regina,’ ‘Griselda Barbara, Paf. Reg.,’ and I +don’t know what signatures besides, against the day when she should be +Queen, forsooth! + + + + +IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN + +Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff’s hair in papers; and the +Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented Betsinda. +‘Betsinda!’ she said, ‘you dressed my hair very nicely today; I promised +you a little present. Here are five sh--no, here is a pretty little +ring, that I picked--that I have had some time.’ And she gave Betsinda +the ring she had picked up in the court. It fitted Betsinda exactly. + +‘It’s like the ring the Princess used to wear,’ says the maid. + +‘No such thing,’ says Gruffanuff, ‘I have had it this ever so long. +There, tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it’s a very cold night +(the snow was beating in at the window), you may go and warm dear Prince +Giglio’s bed, like a good girl, and then you may unrip my green silk, +and then you can just do me up a little cap for the morning, and then +you can mend that hole in my silk stocking, and then you can go to +bed, Betsinda. Mind I shall want my cup of tea at five o’clock in the +morning.’ + +‘I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen’s beds, Ma’am,’ says +Betsinda. + +Gruffanuff, for reply, said, ‘Hau-au-ho!--Grauhawhoo!--Hong-hrho!’ In +fact, she was snoring sound asleep. + +Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the Princess is +next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the coals to the kitchen, +and filled the royal warming-pan. + +Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there must +have been something very captivating about her this evening, for all +the women in the servants’ hall began to scold and abuse her. The +housekeeper said she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the upper-housemaid +asked, how dare she wear such ringlets and ribbons, it was quite +improper! The cook (for there was a woman-cook as well as a man-cook) +said to the kitchen-maid that she never could see anything in that +creetur: but as for the men, every one of them, Coachman, John, Buttons, +the page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Crim Tartary’s valet, started up, +and said-- + + ‘My eyes!’ } + ‘O mussey!’ } ‘What a pretty girl Betsinda is!’ + ‘O jemmany!’ } + ‘O ciel!’ } + +‘Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!’ says +Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the young +gentlemen playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first to Prince +Giglio’s bed, which she warmed, and then to Prince Bulbo’s room. + +He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, ‘O! O! O! +O! O! O! what a beyou--oo--ootiful creature you are! You angel--you +peri--you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul--thy Bulbo, too! Fly to the +desert, fly with me! I never saw a young gazelle to glad me with its +dark blue eye that had eyes like shine. Thou nymph of beauty, take, take +this young heart. A truer never did itself sustain within a soldier’s +waistcoat. Be mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal +father will approve our union; and, as for that little carroty-haired +Angelica, I do not care a fig for her any more.’ + +‘Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please,’ said Betsinda, +with the warming-pan. + +But Bulbo said, ‘No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou lovely, +blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the Royal Bulbo lies, +the trembling captive of Betsinda’s eyes.’ + +And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that Betsinda, +who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the warming-pan, which, I +promise you, made him cry ‘O-o-o-o!’ in a very different manner. + +Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him from +the next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon as he saw +what was taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on Bulbo, kicked him +in the rudest manner up to the ceiling, and went on kicking him till his +hair was quite out of curl. + +Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the kicking +certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so droll! When Giglio +had done knocking him up and down to the ground, and whilst he went into +a corner rubbing himself, what do you think Giglio does? He goes down on +his own knees to Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart, +and offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda’s condition, who had +been in love with the Prince ever since she first saw him in the palace +garden, when she was quite a little child. + +‘Oh, divine Betsinda!’ says the Prince, ‘how have I lived fifteen years +in thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman in all +Europe, Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only it is not +yet discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? Pish! Gruffanuff? +Phoo! The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my Queen. Thou art the real Angelica, +because thou art really angelic.’ + +‘Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid,’ says Betsinda, looking, +however, very much pleased. + +‘Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?’ continues +Giglio. ‘Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and bring me jelly +and roast chicken?’ + +‘Yes, dear Prince, I did,’ says Betsinda, ‘and I sewed Your Royal +Highness’s shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal Highness,’ +cries this artless maiden. + +When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda, heard +this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances which she flung +upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and tore quantities of hair +out of his head, till it all covered the room like so much tow. + +Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes were +going on with their conversation, and as they began now to quarrel and +be very fierce with one another, she thought proper to run away. + +‘You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner there; +of course you will give me satisfaction for insulting Betsinda. YOU dare +to kneel down at Princess Giglio’s knees and kiss her hand!’ + +‘She’s not Princess Giglio!’ roars out Bulbo. ‘She shall be Princess +Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo.’ + +‘You are engaged to my cousin!’ bellows out Giglio. ‘I hate your +cousin,’ says Bulbo. + +‘You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!’ cries Giglio in a +fury. + +‘I’ll have your life.’ + +‘I’ll run you through.’ + +‘I’ll cut your throat.’ + +‘I’ll blow your brains out.’ + +‘I’ll knock your head off.’ + +‘I’ll send a friend to you in the morning.’ + +‘I’ll send a bullet into you in the afternoon.’ + +‘We’ll meet again,’ says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo’s face; and +seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, forsooth, Betsinda +had carried it, and rushed downstairs. What should he see on the landing +but His Majesty talking to Betsinda, whom he called by all sorts of fond +names. His Majesty had heard a row in the building, so he stated, and +smelling something burning, had come out to see what the matter was. + +‘It’s the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir,’ says Betsinda. + +‘Charming chambermaid,’ says the King (like all the rest of them), +‘never mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged autocrat, who +has been considered not ill-looking in his time.’ + +‘Oh, sir! what will Her Majesty say?’ cries Betsinda. + +‘Her Majesty!’ laughs the monarch. ‘Her Majesty be hanged. Am I not +Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, hangmen--ha? +Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not sacks to sew up wives +withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt be mine own,--your mistress +straightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the sharer of my heart and +throne.’ + +When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the respect +usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and knocked down the +King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master Giglio took to his +heels and ran away, and Betsinda went off screaming, and the Queen, +Gruffanuff, and the Princess, all came out of their rooms. Fancy their +feelings on beholding their husband, father, sovereign, in this posture! + + + + +X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION + +As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself +and stood up. ‘Ho! my captain of the guards!’ His Majesty exclaimed, +stamping his royal feet with rage. O piteous spectacle! the King’s nose +was bent quite crooked by the blow of Prince Giglio! His Majesty ground +his teeth with rage. ‘Hedzoff,’ he said, taking a death-warrant out of +his dressing-gown pocket, ‘Hedzoff, good Hedzoff, seize upon the Prince. +Thou’lt find him in his chamber two pair up. But now he dared, with +sacrilegious hand, to strike the sacred night-cap of a king--Hedzoff, +and floor me with a warming-pan! Away, no more demur, the villain dies! +See it be done, or else,--h’m--ha!--h’m! mind shine own eyes!’ and +followed by the ladies, and lifting up the tails of his dressing-gown, +the King entered his own apartment. + +Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a sincere love for +Giglio. ‘Poor, poor Giglio!’ he said, the tears rolling over his manly +face, and dripping down his moustachios; ‘my noble young Prince, is it +my hand must lead thee to death?’ + +‘Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff,’ said a female voice. It was +Gruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard the +noise. ‘The King said you were to hang the Prince. Well, hang the +Prince.’ + +‘I don’t understand you,’ says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever man. + +‘You Gaby! he didn’t say WHICH Prince,’ says Gruffanuff. + +‘No; he didn’t say which, certainly,’ said Hedzoff. + +‘Well then, take Bulbo, and hang HIM!’ + +When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to dance about for joy. +‘Obedience is a soldier’s honour,’ says he. ‘Prince Bulbo’s head will do +capitally,’ and he went to arrest the Prince the very first thing next +morning. + +He knocked at the door. ‘Who’s there?’ says Bulbo. ‘Captain Hedzoff? +Step in, pray, my good Captain; I’m delighted to see you; I have been +expecting you.’ + +‘Have you?’ says Hedzoff. + +‘Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me,’ says the Prince. + +‘I beg Your Royal Highness’s pardon, but you will have to act for +yourself, and it’s a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz.’ + +The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. ‘Of +course, Captain,’ says he, ‘you are come about that affair with Prince +Giglio?’ + +‘Precisely,’ says Hedzoff, ‘that affair of Prince Giglio.’ + +‘Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?’ asks Bulbo. ‘I’m a pretty +good hand with both, and I’ll do for Prince Giglio as sure as my name is +My Royal Highness Prince Bulbo.’ + +‘There’s some mistake, my Lord,’ says the Captain. ‘The business is done +with AXES among us.’ + +‘Axes? That’s sharp work,’ says Bulbo. ‘Call my Chamberlain, he’ll be my +second, and in ten minutes, I flatter myself, you’ll see Master Giglio’s +head off his impertinent shoulders. I’m hungry for his blood Hoooo, aw!’ +and he looked as savage as an ogre. + +‘I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you prisoner, +and hand you over to--to the executioner.’ + +‘Pooh, pooh, my good man!--Stop, I say,--ho!--hulloa!’ was all that +this luckless Prince was enabled to say, for Hedzoff’s guards seizing +him, tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, and carried him to the +place of execution. + +The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, and +took a pinch of snuff and said, ‘So much for Giglio. Now let’s go to +breakfast.’ + +The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner to the Sheriff, with +the fatal order, + +‘AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE BEARER’S HEAD. ‘VALOROSO XXIV.’ + +‘It’s a mistake,’ says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand the +business in the least. + +‘Poo--poo--pooh,’ says the Sheriff. ‘Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. Jack +Ketch!’ + +And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with a +block and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should be wanted. + +But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda. + + + + +XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA + +Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the King, and knew that +Giglio must come to grief, got up very early the next morning, and went +to devise some plans for rescuing her darling husband, as the silly old +thing insisted on calling him. She found him walking up and down the +garden, thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda (TINDER and WINDA were all he +could find), and indeed having forgotten all about the past evening, +except that Betsinda was the most lovely of beings. + +‘Well, dear Giglio,’ says Gruff. + +‘Well, dear Gruffy,’ says Giglio, only HE was quite satirical. + +‘I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. You +must fly the country for a while.’ + +‘What scrape?--fly the country? Never without her I love, Countess,’ +says Giglio. + +‘No, she will accompany you, dear Prince,’ she says, in her most coaxing +accents. ‘First, we must get the jewels belonging to our royal parents. +and those of her and his present Majesty. Here is the key, duck; they +are all yours, you know, by right, for you are the rightful King of +Paflagonia, and your wife will be the rightful Queen.’ + +‘Will she?’ says Giglio. + +‘Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso’s apartment, where, +under his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the amount of +L2I7,000,000,987,439, 13S. 6 1/2d., all belonging to you, for he took +it out of your royal father’s room on the day of his death. With this we +will fly.’ + +‘WE will fly?’ says Giglio. + +‘Yes, you and your bride--your affianced love--your Gruffy!’ says the +Countess, with a languishing leer. + +‘YOU my bride!’ says Giglio. ‘You, you hideous old woman!’ + +‘Oh, you--you wretch! didn’t you give me this paper promising marriage?’ +cries Gruff. + +‘Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and Betsinda only!’ And in a +fit of terror he ran from her as quickly as he could. + +‘He! he! he!’ shrieks out Gruff; ‘a promise is a promise if there are +laws in Paflagonia! And as for that monster, that wretch, that fiend, +that ugly little vixen--as for that upstart, that ingrate, that beast, +Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little difficulty in discovering +her whereabouts. He may look very long before finding HER, I warrant. He +little knows that Miss Betsinda is--’ + +Is--what? Now, you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five in winter’s +morning to bring her cruel mistress her tea; and instead of finding +her in a good humour, found Gruffy as cross as two sticks. The Countess +boxed Betsinda’s ears half a dozen times whilst she was dressing; but +as poor little Betsinda was used to this kind of treatment, she did not +feel any special alarm. ‘And now,’ says she, ‘when Her Majesty rings her +bell twice, I’ll trouble you, miss, to attend.’ + +So when the Queen’s bell rang twice, Betsinda came to Her Majesty and +made a pretty little curtsey. The Queen, the Princess, and Gruffanuff +were all three in the room. As soon as they saw her they began, + +‘You wretch!’ says the Queen. + +‘You little vulgar thing!’ says the Princess. + +‘You beast!’ says Gruffanuff. + +‘Get out of my sight!’ says the Queen. + +‘Go away with you, do!’ says the Princess. + +‘Quit the premises!’ says Gruffanuff. + +‘Alas! and woe is me!’ very lamentable events had occurred to Betsinda +that morning, and all in consequence of that fatal warming-pan business +of the previous night. The King had offered to marry her; of course Her +Majesty the Queen was jealous: Bulbo had fallen in love with her; of +course Angelica was furious: Giglio was in love with her, and oh, what a +fury Gruffy was in! + + ‘Take off that {cap } I gave you,’ + {petticoat} they said, all + {gown } at once, + and began tearing the clothes off poor Betsinda. + + ‘How (the King?’ } cried the Queen, + dare you {Prince Bulbo?’ } the Princess, and + flirt with {Prince Giglio?’ } Countess. + +‘Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and turn her +out of it!’ cries the Queen. + +‘Mind she does not go with MY shoes on, which I lent her so kindly,’ +says the Princess; and indeed the Princess’s shoes were a great deal too +big for Betsinda. + +‘Come with me, you filthy hussy!’ and taking up the Queen’s poker, the +cruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room. + +The Countess went to the glass box in which she had kept Betsinda’s old +cloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, ‘Take those rags, you little +beggar creature, and strip off everything belonging to honest people, +and go about your business’; and she actually tore off the poor little +delicate thing’s back almost all her things, and told her to be off out +of the house. + +Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which were +embroidered the letters PRIN. . . ROSAL. . . and then came a great rent. + +As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey sandal? +the string was still to it, so she hung it round her neck. + +‘Won’t you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if you +please, mum?’ cried the poor child. + +‘No, you wicked beast!’ says Gruffanuff, driving her along with the +poker--driving her down the cold stairs--driving her through the cold +hall--flinging her out into the cold street, so that the knocker itself +shed tears to see her! + +But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and she +wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and was gone! + + +‘And now let us think about breakfast,’ says the greedy Queen. + +‘What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or the peagreen?’ says +Angelica. ‘Which do you think the dear Prince will like best?’ + +‘Mrs. V.!’ sings out the King from his dressing-room, ‘let us have +sausages for breakfast! Remember we have Prince Bulbo staying with us!’ + +And they all went to get ready. + +Nine o’clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and no +Prince Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing and humming: the muffins were +smoking--such a heap of muffins! the eggs were done, there was a pot +of raspberry jam, and coffee, and a beautiful chicken and tongue on the +side-table. Marmitonio the cook brought in the sausages. Oh, how nice +they smelt! + +‘Where is Bulbo?’ said the King. ‘John, where is His Royal Highness?’ +John said he had a took hup His Roilighnessesses shaving-water, and +his clothes and things, and he wasn’t in his room, which he sposed His +Royliness was just stepped trout. + +‘Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!’ says the King, +sticking his fork into a sausage. ‘My dear, take one. Angelica, won’t +you have a saveloy?’ The Princess took one, being very fond of them; and +at this moment Glumboso entered with Captain Hedzoff, both looking very +much disturbed. + +‘I am afraid Your Majesty--’ cries Glumboso. + +‘No business before breakfast, Glum!’ says the King.’ Breakfast first, +business next. Mrs. V., some more sugar!’ + +‘Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too late,’ +says Glumboso. ‘He--he--he’ll be hanged at half-past nine.’ + +‘Don’t talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, vulgar +man you,’ cries the Princess. ‘John, some mustard. Pray who is to be +hanged?’ + +‘Sire, it is the Prince,’ whispers Glumboso to the King. + +‘Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you!’ says His Majesty, +quite sulky. + +‘We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it,’ says the Minister. ‘His +father, King Padella. . .’ + +‘His father, King WHO?’ says the King. ‘King Padella is not Giglio’s +father. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio’s father.’ + +‘It’s Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not Prince Giglio,’ says the +Prime Minister. + +‘You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the ugly one,’ says Hedzoff. +‘I didn’t, of course, think Your Majesty intended to murder your own +flesh and blood!’ + +The King for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff’s head. +The Princess cried out ‘Hee-kareekaree!’ and fell down in a fainting +fit. + +‘Turn the cock of the urn upon Her Royal Highness,’ said the King, +and the boiling water gradually revived her. His Majesty looked at +his watch, compared it by the clock in the parlour, and by that of the +church in the square opposite; then he wound it up; then he looked at it +again. ‘The great question is,’ says he, ‘am I fast or am I slow? If I’m +slow, we may as well go on with breakfast. If I’m fast, why, there +is just the possibility of saving Prince Bulbo. It’s a doosid awkward +mistake, and upon my word, Hedzoff, I have the greatest mind to have you +hanged too.’ + +‘Sire, I did but my duty; a soldier has but his orders. I didn’t expect +after forty-seven years of faithful service that my sovereign would +think of putting me to a felon’s death!’ + +‘A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can’t you see that while you are +talking my Bulbo is being hung?’ screamed the Princess. + +‘By Jove! she’s always right, that girl, and I’m so absent,’ says the +King, looking at his watch again. ‘Ha! there go the drums! What a doosid +awkward thing though!’ + +‘Oh, papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let me run with it,’ cries +the Princess--and she got a sheet of paper, and pen and ink, and laid +them before the King. + +‘Confound it! where are my spectacles?’ the Monarch exclaimed. +‘Angelica! go up into my bedroom, look under my pillow, not your +mamma’s; there you’ll see my keys. Bring them down to me, and--Well, +well! what impetuous things these girls are!’ Angelica was gone, and had +run up panting to the bedroom, and found the keys, and was back again +before the King had finished a muffin. ‘Now, love,’ says he, ‘you must +go all the way back for my desk, in which my spectacles are. If you +would but have heard me out. . . Be hanged to her! There she is off +again. Angelica! ANGELICA!’ When His Majesty called in his LOUD voice, +she knew she must obey, and came back. + +‘My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, SHUT THE +DOOR. That’s a darling. That’s all.’ At last the keys and the desk and +the spectacles were got, and the King mended his pen, and signed his +name to a reprieve, and Angelica ran with it as swift as the wind. +‘You’d better stay, my love, and finish the muffins. There’s no use +going. Be sure it’s too late. Hand me over that raspberry jam, please,’ +said the Monarch. ‘Bong! Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew it +was.’ + +Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, and +down High Street, and through the Market-place, and down to the left, +and over the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back again, and round +by the Castle, and so along by the Haberdasher’s on the right, opposite +the lamp-post, and round the square, and she came--she came to the +EXECUTION PLACE, where she saw Bulbo laying his head on the block!!! The +executioner raised his axe, but at that moment the Princess came panting +up and cried ‘Reprieve!’ ‘Reprieve!’ screamed the Princess. ‘Reprieve!’ +shouted all the people. Up the scaffold stairs she sprang, with the +agility of a lighter of lamps; and flinging herself in Bulbo’s arms, +regardless of all ceremony, she cried out, ‘Oh, my Prince! my lord! my +love! my Bulbo! Thine Angelica has been in time to save thy precious +existence, sweet rosebud; to prevent thy being nipped in thy young +bloom! Had aught befallen thee, Angelica too had died, and welcomed +death that joined her to her Bulbo.’ + +‘H’m! there’s no accounting for tastes,’ said Bulbo, looking so very +much puzzled and uncomfortable that the Princess, in tones of tenderest +strain, asked the cause of his disquiet. + +‘I tell you what it is, Angelica,’ said he, ‘since I came here +yesterday, there has been such a row, and disturbance, and quarrelling, +and fighting, and chopping of heads off, and the deuce to pay, that I am +inclined to go back to Crim Tartary.’ + +‘But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though wherever thou art is Crim +Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo!’ + +‘Well, well, I suppose we must be married,’ says Bulbo. ‘Doctor, you +came to read the Funeral Service--read the Marriage Service, will you? +What must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica, and then, in the name of +peace and quietness, do let us go back to breakfast.’ + +Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the time of the dismal +ceremony. It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother that he +ought never to part with it. So he had kept it between his teeth, even +when he laid his poor head upon the block, hoping vaguely that some +chance would turn up in his favour. As he began to speak to Angelica, +he forgot about the rose, and of course it dropped out of his mouth. +The romantic Princess instantly stooped and seized it. ‘Sweet rose!’ she +exclaimed, ‘that bloomed upon my Bulbo’s lip, never, never will I part +from thee!’ and she placed it in her bosom. And you know Bulbo COULDN’T +ask her to give the rose back again. And they went to breakfast; and as +they walked, it appeared to Bulbo that Angelica became more exquisitely +lovely every moment. + +He was frantic until they were married; and now, strange to say, it was +Angelica who didn’t care about him! He knelt down, he kissed her hand, +he prayed and begged; he cried with admiration; while she for her part +said she really thought they might wait; it seemed to her he was not +handsome any more--no, not at all, quite the reverse; and not clever, +no, very stupid; and not well bred, like Giglio; no, on the contrary, +dreadfully vul-- + +What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out ‘POOH, stuff!’ in a +terrible voice. ‘We will have no more of this shilly-shallying! Call the +Archbishop, and let the Prince and Princess be married offhand!’ + +So, married they were, and I am sure for my part I trust they will be +happy. + + + + +XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER + +Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town gates, and +so on the great Crim Tartary road, the very way on which Giglio too +was going. ‘Ah!’ thought she, as the diligence passed her, of which the +conductor was blowing a delightful tune on his horn, ‘how I should like +to be on that coach!’ But the coach and the jingling horses were very +soon gone. She little knew who was in it, though very likely she was +thinking of him all the time. + +Then came an empty cart, returning from market; and the driver being +a kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging along the road +with bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a seat. He said he lived on +the confines of the forest, where his old father was a woodman, and, if +she liked, he would take her so far on her road. All roads were the same +to little Betsinda, so she very thankfully took this one. + +And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some bread +and cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that she was very cold +and melancholy. When after travelling on and on, evening came, and all +the black pines were bending with snow, and there, at last, was the +comfortable light beaming in the woodman’s windows; and so they arrived, +and went into his cottage. He was an old man, and had a number of +children, who were just at supper, with nice hot bread-and-milk, when +their elder brother arrived with the cart. And they jumped and clapped +their hands; for they were good children; and he had brought them toys +from the town. And when they saw the pretty stranger, they ran to +her, and brought her to the fire, and rubbed her poor little feet, and +brought her bread and milk. + +‘Look, father!’ they said to the old woodman, ‘look at this poor girl, +and see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as white as our milk! +And look and see what an odd cloak she has, just like the bit of velvet +that hangs up in our cupboard, and which you found that day the little +cubs were killed by King Padella, in the forest! And look, why, bless +us all! she has got round her neck just such another little shoe as +that you brought home, and have shown us so often--a little blue velvet +shoe!’ + +‘What,’ said the old woodman, ‘what is all this about a shoe and a +cloak?’ + +And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a little +child, at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the persons who +had taken care of her had--had been angry with her, for no fault, she +hoped, of her own. And they had sent her away with her old clothes--and +here, in fact, she was. She remembered having been in a forest--and +perhaps it was a dream--it was so very odd and strange--having lived in +a cave with lions there; and, before that, having lived in a very, very +fine house, as fine as the King’s, in the town. + +When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite curious +to see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, and took out of +a stocking a five-shilling piece of King Cavolfiore, and vowed it was +exactly like the young woman. And then he produced the shoe and piece +of velvet which he had kept so long, and compared them with the things +which Betsinda wore. In Betsinda’s little shoe was written, ‘Hopkins, +maker to the Royal Family’; so in the other shoe was written, ‘Hopkins, +maker to the Royal Family.’ In the inside of Betsinda’s piece of +cloak was embroidered, ‘PRIN ROSAL’; in the other piece of cloak was +embroidered ‘CESS BA. NO. 246.’ So that when put together you read, +‘PRINCESS ROSALBA. NO. 246.’ + +On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, saying, +‘O my Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my rightful Queen of Crim +Tartary,--I hail thee--I acknowledge thee--I do thee homage!’ And in +token of his fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three times on the +ground, and put the Princess’s foot on his head. + +‘Why,’ said she, ‘my good woodman, you must be a nobleman of my royal +father’s Court!’ For in her lowly retreat, and under the name of +Betsinda, HER MAJESTY, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, had read of the +customs of all foreign courts and nations. + +‘Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege--the poor Lord Spinachi +once--the humble woodman these fifteen years syne. Ever since the tyrant +Padella (may ruin overtake the treacherous knave!) dismissed me from my +post of First Lord.’ + +‘First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snuffbox? I mind +me! Thou heldest these posts under our royal Sire. They are restored to +thee, Lord Spinachi! I make thee knight of the second class of our Order +of the Pumpkin (the first class being reserved for crowned heads alone). +Rise, Marquis of Spinachi!’ And with indescribable majesty, the Queen, +who had no sword handy, waved the pewter spoon with which she had been +taking her bread-and-milk, over the bald head of the old nobleman, whose +tears absolutely made a puddle on the ground, and whose dear children +went to bed that night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina, +and Ottavia degli Spinachi! + +The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history, and noble families +of her empire, was wonderful. ‘The House of Broccoli should remain +faithful to us,’ she said; ‘they were ever welcome at our Court. Have +the Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to the Rising Sun? The family +of Sauerkraut must sure be with us--they were ever welcome in the halls +of King Cavolfiore.’ And so she went on enumerating quite a list of +the nobility and gentry of Crim Tartary, so admirably had Her Majesty +profited by her studies while in exile. + +The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer for them all; that the +whole country groaned under Padella’s tyranny, and longed to return to +its rightful sovereign; and late as it was, he sent his children, who +knew the forest well, to summon this nobleman and that; and when his +eldest son, who had been rubbing the horse down and giving him his +supper, came into the house for his own, the Marquis told him to put his +boots on, and a saddle on the mare, and ride hither and thither to such +and such people. + + +When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, he too +knelt down and put her royal foot on his head; he too bedewed the ground +with his tears; he was frantically in love with her, as everybody now +was who saw her: so were the young Lords Bartolomeo and Ubaldo, who +punched each other’s little heads out of jealousy; and so, when they +came from east and west at the summons of the Marquis degli Spinachi, +were the Crim Tartar Lords who still remained faithful to the House of +Cavolfiore. They were such very old gentlemen for the most part that Her +Majesty never suspected their absurd passion, and went among them quite +unaware of the havoc her beauty was causing, until an old blind Lord who +had joined her party told her what the truth was; after which, for fear +of making the people too much in love with her, she always wore a veil. +She went about privately, from one nobleman’s castle to another; and +they visited among themselves again, and had meetings, and composed +proclamations and counter-proclamations, and distributed all the best +places of the kingdom amongst one another, and selected who of the +opposition party should be executed when the Queen came to her own. And +so in about a year they were ready to move. + +The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of very feeble old fogies +for the most part; they went about the country waving their old swords +and flags, and calling ‘God save the Queen!’ and King Padella happening +to be absent upon an invasion, they had their own way for a little, +and to be sure the people were very enthusiastic whenever they saw the +Queen; otherwise the vulgar took matters very quietly, for they said, +as far as they could recollect, they were pretty well as much taxed in +Cavolfiore’s time, as now in Padella’s. + + + + +XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT HOGGINARMO + +Her Majesty, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her followers +Knights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls, and Baronets; and they had +a little court for her, and made her a little crown of gilt paper, and a +robe of cotton velvet; and they quarrelled about the places to be given +away in her court, and about rank and precedence and dignities;--you +can’t think how they quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of her +honours before she had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimes +even to be a lady’s-maid again. But we must all do our duty in our +respective stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform hers. + +We have said how it happened that none of the Usurper’s troops came out +to oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as nimbly as the +gout of the principal commanders allowed: it consisted of twice as many +officers as soldiers: and at length passed near the estates of one of +the most powerful noblemen of the country, who had not declared for the +Queen, but of whom her party had hopes, as he was always quarrelling +with King Padella. + +When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say he +would wait upon Her Majesty: he was a most powerful warrior, and his +name was Count Hogginarmo, whose helmet it took two strong negroes to +carry. He knelt down before her and said, ‘Madam and liege lady! it +becomes the great nobles of the Crimean realm to show every outward sign +of respect to the wearer of the Crown, whoever that may be. We testify +to our own nobility in acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bends +the knee to the first of the aristocracy of his country.’ + +Rosalba said, ‘The bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly kind.’ But +she felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his eyes scowled +at her from between his whiskers, which grew up to them. + +‘The first Count of the Empire, madam,’ he went on, ‘salutes the +Sovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the not more noble lady! +Madam, my hand is free, and I offer it, and my heart and my sword to +your service! My three wives lie buried in my ancestral vaults. The +third perished but a year since; and this heart pines for a consort! +Deign to be mine, and I swear to bring to your bridal table the head of +King Padella, the eyes and nose of his son Prince Bulbo, the right hand +and ears of the usurping Sovereign of Paflagonia, which country shall +thenceforth be an appanage to your--to OUR Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo is +not accustomed to be denied. Indeed I cannot contemplate the possibility +of a refusal: for frightful will be the result; dreadful the murders; +furious the devastations; horrible the tyranny; tremendous the tortures, +misery, taxation, which the people of this realm will endure, if +Hogginarmo’s wrath be aroused! I see consent in Your Majesty’s lovely +eyes--their glances fill my soul with rapture!’ + +‘Oh, sir!’ Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright. ‘Your +Lordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry to tell you that I have a +prior attachment to a young gentleman by the name of--Prince Giglio--and +never--never can marry any one but him.’ + +Who can describe Hogginarmo’s wrath at this remark? Rising up from the +ground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out of his mouth, from +which at the same time issued remarks and language, so LOUD, +VIOLENT, AND IMPROPER, that this pen shall never repeat them! +‘R-r-r-r-rr--Rejected! Fiends and perdition! The bold Hogginarmo +rejected! All the world shall hear of my rage; and you, madam, you above +all shall rue it!’ And kicking the two negroes before him, he rushed +away, his whiskers streaming in the wind. + +Her Majesty’s Privy Council was in a dreadful panic when they saw +Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering rage, making +footballs of the poor negroes--a panic which the events justified. They +marched off from Hogginarmo’s park very crestfallen; and in another +half-hour they were met by that rapacious chieftain with a few of his +followers, who cut, slashed, charged, whacked, banged, and pommelled +amongst them, took the Queen prisoner, and drove the Army of Fidelity to +I don’t know where. + +Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to see her. +‘Get a horse-van!’ he said to his grooms, ‘clap the hussy into it, and +send her, with my compliments, to His Majesty King Padella.’ + +Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full of servile +compliments and loathsome flatteries to King Padella, for whose life, +and that of his royal family, the HYPOCRITICAL HUMBUG pretended to offer +the most fulsome prayers. And Hogginarmo promised speedily to pay his +humble homage at his august master’s throne, of which he begged leave to +be counted the most loyal and constant defender. Such a WARY old BIRD +as King Padella was not to be caught by Master Hogginarmo’s CHAFF and we +shall hear presently how the tyrant treated his upstart vassal. No, no; +depend on’s, two such rogues do not trust one another. + +So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and driven +along in the dark ever so many miles to the Court, where King Padella +had now arrived, having vanquished all his enemies, murdered most of +them, and brought some of the richest into captivity with him for the +purpose of torturing them and finding out where they had hidden their +money. + +Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which she was +thrust; a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, mice, toads, frogs, +mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and every kind of horror. No light +was let into it, otherwise the gaolers might have seen her and fallen in +love with her, as an owl that lived up in the roof of the tower did, and +a cat, you know, who can see in the dark, and having set its green eyes +on Rosalba, never would be got to go back to the turnkey’s wife to whom +it belonged. And the toads in the dungeon came and kissed her feet, +and the vipers wound round her neck and arms, and never hurt her, so +charming was this poor Princess in the midst of her misfortunes. + +At last, after she had been kept in this place EVER SO LONG, the door of +the dungeon opened, and the terrible KING PADELLA came in. + +But what he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, as we +must now back to Prince Giglio. + + + + +XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO + +The idea of marrying such an old creature as Gruffanuff frightened +Prince Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed his trunks, +fetched in a couple of porters, and was off to the diligence office in a +twinkling. + +It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not dawdle over +his luggage, and took the early coach, for as soon as the mistake about +Prince Bulbo was found out, that cruel Glumboso sent up a couple of +policemen to Prince Giglio’s room, with orders that he should be carried +to Newgate, and his head taken off before twelve o’clock. But the coach +was out of the Paflagonian dominions before two o’clock; and I dare say +the express that was sent after Prince Giglio did not ride very quick, +for many people in Paflagonia had a regard for Giglio, as the son of +their old sovereign; a Prince who, with all his weaknesses, was very +much better than his brother, the usurping, lazy, careless, passionate, +tyrannical, reigning monarch. That Prince busied himself with the balls, +fetes, masquerades, hunting-parties, and so forth, which he thought +proper to give on occasion of his daughter’s marriage to Prince Bulbo; +and let us trust was not sorry in his own heart that his brother’s son +had escaped the scaffold. + +It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, and +Giglio, who gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was very glad to get a +comfortable place in the coupe of the diligence, where he sat with the +conductor and another gentleman. At the first stage from Blombodinga, +as they stopped to change horses, there came up to the diligence a very +ordinary, vulgar-looking woman, with a bag under her arm, who asked +for a place. All the inside places were taken, and the young woman was +informed that if she wished to travel, she must go upon the roof; and +the passenger inside with Giglio (a rude person, I should think), put +his head out of the window, and said, ‘Nice weather for travelling +outside! I wish you a pleasant journey, my dear.’ The poor woman coughed +very much, and Giglio pitied her. ‘I will give up my place to her,’ +says he, ‘rather than she should travel in the cold air with that horrid +cough.’ On which the vulgar traveller said, ‘YOU’D keep her warm, I am +sure, if it’s a MUFF she wants.’ On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxed +his ears, hit him in the eye, and gave this vulgar person a warning +never to call him MUFF again. + +Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the diligence, and made +himself very comfortable in the straw. + +The vulgar traveller got down only at the next station, and Giglio took +his place again, and talked to the person next to him. She appeared +to be a most agreeable, well-informed, and entertaining female. They +travelled together till night, and she gave Giglio all sorts of things +out of the bag which she carried, and which indeed seemed to contain the +most wonderful collection of articles. He was thirsty--out there came a +pint bottle of Bass’s pale ale, and a silver mug! Hungry--she took out +a cold fowl, some slices of ham, bread, salt, and a most delicious piece +of cold plum-pudding, and a little glass of brandy afterwards. + +As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to Giglio on +a variety of subjects, in which the poor Prince showed his ignorance as +much as she did her capacity. He owned, with many blushes, how ignorant +he was; on which the lady said, ‘My dear Gigl--my good Mr. Giles, you +are a young man, and have plenty of time before you. You have nothing to +do but to improve yourself. Who knows but that you may find use for your +knowledge some day? When--when you may be wanted at home, as some people +may be.’ + +‘Good heavens, madam!’ says he, ‘do you know me?’ + +‘I know a number of funny things,’ says the lady. ‘I have been at some +people’s christenings, and turned away from other folks’ doors. I have +seen some people spoilt by good fortune, and others, as I hope, improved +by hardship. I advise you to stay at the town where the coach stops for +the night. Stay there and study, and remember your old friend to whom +you were kind.’ + +‘And who is my old friend?’ asked Giglio. + +‘When you want anything,’ says the lady, ‘look in this bag, which I +leave to you as a present, and be grateful to--’ + +‘To whom, madam?’ says he. + +‘To the Fairy Blackstick,’ says the lady, flying out of the window. And +then Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where the lady was? + +‘What lady?’ says the man; ‘there has been no lady in this coach, except +the old woman, who got out at the last stage.’ And Giglio thought he +had been dreaming. But there was the bag which Blackstick had given him +lying on his lap; and when he came to the town he took it in his hand +and went into the inn. + +They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio, when he woke in the +morning, fancying himself in the Royal Palace at home, called, ‘John, +Charles, Thomas! My chocolate--my dressing-gown--my slippers’; but +nobody came. There was no bell, so he went and bawled out for water on +the top of the stairs. + +The landlady came up. + +‘What are you a hollering and a bellaring for here, young man?’ says +she. + +‘There’s no warm water--no servants; my boots are not even cleaned.’ + +‘He, he! Clean ‘em yourself,’ says the landlady. ‘You young students +give yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such impudence.’ + +‘I’ll quit the house this instant,’ says Giglio. + +‘The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. All my +rooms is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as you.’ + +‘You may well keep the Bear Inn,’ said Giglio. ‘You should have yourself +painted as the sign.’ + +The landlady of the Bear went away GROWLING. And Giglio returned to his +room, where the first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying on the table, +which seemed to give a little hop as he came in. ‘I hope it has some +breakfast in it,’ says Giglio, ‘for I have only a very little +money left.’ But on opening the bag, what do you think was there? A +blacking-brush and a pot of Warren’s jet, and on the pot was written: + + Poor young men their boots must black: + Use me and cork me and put me back. + +So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush and the +bottle into the bag. + +When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little hop, and +he went to it and took out-- + +1. A tablecloth and a napkin. + +2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar. + +4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair of +sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked G. + +11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin. + +14. A jug full of delicious cream. + +15. A canister with black tea and green. + +16. A large tea-urn and boiling water. + +17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done. + +18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter. + +19. A brown loaf. + +And if he hadn’t enough now for a good breakfast, I should like to know +who ever had one? + +Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back into +the bag, and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to say that this +celebrated university town was called Bosforo. + +He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools, paid his bill at the +inn, and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet-bag, and not +forgetting, we may be sure, his OTHER bag. + +When he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled with his +best clothes, he found it contained only books. And in the first of them +which he opened there was written-- + +Clothes for the back, books for the head: Read and remember them when +they are read. + +And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student’s cap and +gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, and a Johnson’s +dictionary, which was very useful to him, as his spelling had been sadly +neglected. + +So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard for a whole year, +during which ‘Mr. Giles’ was quite an example to all the students in the +University of Bosforo. He never got into any riots or disturbances. The +Professors all spoke well of him, and the students liked him too; so +that, when at examination, he took all the prizes, viz. + + {The Spelling Prize {The French Prize + {The Writing Prize {The Arithmetic Prize + {The History Prize {The Latin Prize + {The Catechism Prize {The Good Conduct Prize, + +all his fellow-students said, ‘Hurrah! Hurray for Giles! Giles is +the boy--the student’s joy! Hurray for Giles!’ And he brought quite a +quantity of medals, crowns, books, and tokens of distinction home to his +lodgings. + +One day after the Examinations, as he was diverting himself at a +coffee-house with two friends--(Did I tell you that in his bag, every +Saturday night, he found just enough to pay his bills, with a guinea +over, for pocket-money? Didn’t I tell you? Well, he did, as sure as twice +twenty makes forty-five)--he chanced to look in the Bosforo Chronicle, +and read off, quite easily (for he could spell, read, and write the +longest words now), the following:-- + +‘ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE.--One of the most extraordinary adventures that +we have ever heard has set the neighbouring country of Crim Tartary in a +state of great excitement. + +‘It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign of Crim +Tartary, His Majesty King PADELLA, took possession of the throne, after +having vanquished, in the terrific battle of Blunderbusco, the late +King CAVOLFIORE, that Prince’s only child, the Princess Rosalba, was not +found in the royal palace, of which King Padella took possession, and, +it was said, had strayed into the forest (being abandoned by all her +attendants) where she had been eaten up by those ferocious lions, the +last pair of which were captured some time since, and brought to the +Tower, after killing several hundred persons. + +‘His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the world, +was grieved at the accident which had occurred to the harmless little +Princess, for whom His Majesty’s known benevolence would certainly have +provided a fitting establishment. But her death seemed to be certain. +The mangled remains of a cloak, and a little shoe, were found in the +forest, during a hunting-party, in which the intrepid sovereign of +Crim Tartary slew two of the lions’ cubs with his own spear. And these +interesting relics of an innocent little creature were carried home +and kept by their finder, the Baron Spinachi, formerly an officer in +Cavolfiore’s household. The Baron was disgraced in consequence of his +known legitimist opinions, and has lived for some time in the humble +capacity of a wood-cutter, in a forest on the outskirts of the Kingdom +of Crim Tartary. + +‘Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of gentlemen, attached +to the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying, “God save Rosalba, +the first Queen of Crim Tartary!” and surrounding a lady whom report +describes as “BEAUTIFUL EXCEEDINGLY.” Her history MAY be authentic, is +certainly most romantic. + +‘The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was brought out +of the forest, fifteen years since, by a lady in a car drawn by dragons +(this account is certainly IMPROBABLE), that she was left in the Palace +Garden of Blombodinga, where Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica, +now married to His Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, +found the child, and, with THAT ELEGANT BENEVOLENCE which has always +distinguished the heiress of the throne of Paflagonia, gave the little +outcast a SHELTER AND A HOME! Her parentage not being known, and her +garb very humble, the foundling was educated in the Palace in a menial +capacity, under the name of BETSINDA. + +‘She did not give satisfaction, and was dismissed, carrying with her, +certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe, which she had on when first +found. According to her statement she quitted Blombodinga about a year +ago, since which time she has been with the Spinachi family. On the +very same morning the Prince Giglio, nephew to the King of Paflagonia, +a young Prince whose character for TALENT and ORDER were, to say truth, +none of the HIGHEST, also quitted Blombodinga, and has not been since +heard of!’ + +‘What an extraordinary story!’ said Smith and Jones, two young students, +Giglio’s especial friends. + +‘Ha! what is this?’ Giglio went on, reading-- + +‘SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS.--We hear that the troop under Baron Spinachi +has been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General Count Hogginarmo, +and the soidisant Princess is sent a prisoner to the capital. + +‘UNIVERSITY NEWS.--Yesterday, at the Schools, the distinguished young +student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was complimented by +the Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with the highest University +honour--the wooden spoon.’ + +‘Never mind that stuff,’ says GILES, greatly disturbed. ‘Come home +with me, my friends. Gallant Smith! intrepid Jones! friends of my +studies--partakers of my academic toils--I have that to tell which shall +astonish your honest minds.’ + +‘Go it, old boy!’ cries the impetuous Smith. + +‘Talk away, my buck!’ says Jones, a lively fellow. + +With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their natural, but +no more seemly, familiarity. ‘Jones, Smith, my good friends,’ said the +PRINCE, ‘disguise is henceforth useless; I am no more the humble student +Giles, I am the descendant of a royal line.’ + +‘Atavis edite regibus, I know, old co--’ cried Jones. He was going to +say old cock, but a flash from THE ROYAL EYE again awed him. + +‘Friends,’ continued the Prince, ‘I am that Giglio, I am, in fact, +Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public street. Jones, thou +true heart! My faithless uncle, when I was a baby, filched from me that +brave crown my father left me, bred me, all young and careless of my +rights, like unto hapless Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; and had I any +thoughts about my wrongs, soothed me with promises of near redress. I +should espouse his daughter, young Angelica; we two indeed should reign +in Paflagonia. His words were false--false as Angelica’s heart!--false +as Angelica’s hair, colour, front teeth! She looked with her skew eyes +upon young Bulbo, Crim Tartary’s stupid heir, and she preferred him.’ +Twas then I turned my eyes upon Betsinda--Rosalba, as she now is. And +I saw in her the blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maiden +modesty; the nymph that my fond heart had ever woo’d in dreams,’ etc. +etc. + +(I don’t give this speech, which was very fine, but very long; and +though Smith and Jones knew nothing about the circumstances, my dear +reader does, so I go on.) + +The Prince and his young friends hastened home to his apartment, +highly excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by the ROYAL NARRATOR’S +admirable manner of recounting it, and they ran up to his room where he +had worked so hard at his books. + +On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the Prince could +not help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and what do you think +he found in it? + +A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded, cut-and-thrust +sword, and on the sheath was embroidered ‘ROSALBA FOR EVER!’ + +He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole room, and +called out ‘Rosalba for ever!’ Smith and Jones following him, but quite +respectfully this time, and taking the time from His Royal Highness. + +And now his trunk opened with a sudden pony, and out there came three +ostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful shining steel +helmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a complete suit of armour. + +The books on Giglio’s shelves were all gone. Where there had been some +great dictionaries, Giglio’s friends found two pairs of jack-boots +labelled, ‘Lieutenant Smith,’ ‘--Jones, Esq.,’ which fitted them to a +nicety. Besides, there were helmets, back and breast plates, swords, +etc., just like in Mr. G. P. R. James’s novels; and that evening three +cavaliers might have been seen issuing from the gates of Bosforo, in +whom the porters, proctors, etc., never thought of recognising the young +Prince and his friends. + +They got horses at a livery stable-keeper’s, and never drew bridle +until they reached the last town on the frontier before you come to Crim +Tartary. Here, as their animals were tired, and the cavaliers hungry, +they stopped and refreshed at an hostel. I could make a chapter of this +if I were like some writers, but I like to cram my measure tight down, +you see, and give you a great deal for your money, and, in a word, they +had some bread and cheese and ale upstairs on the balcony of the inn. +As they were drinking, drums and trumpets sounded nearer and nearer, +the marketplace was filled with soldiers, and His Royal Highness looking +forth, recognised the Paflagonian banners, and the Paflagonian national +air which the bands were playing. + +The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up Giglio +exclaimed, on beholding their leader, ‘Whom do I see? Yes! No! It is, +it is! Phoo! No, it can’t be! Yes! It is my friend, my gallant faithful +veteran, Captain Hedzoff! Ho! Hedzoff! Knowest thou not thy Prince, thy +Giglio? Good Corporal, methinks we once were friends. Ha, Sergeant, an’ +my memory serves me right, we have had many a bout at singlestick.’ + +‘I’ faith, we have, a many, good my Lord,’ says the Sergeant. + +‘Tell me, what means this mighty armament,’ continued His Royal Highness +from the balcony, ‘and whither march my Paflagonians?’ + +Hedzoff’s head fell. ‘My Lord,’ he said, ‘we march as the allies of +great Padella, Crim Tartary’s monarch.’ + +‘Crim Tartary’s usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary’s grim tyrant, +honest Hedzoff!’ said the Prince, on the balcony, quite sarcastically. + +‘A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders: mine are to help His +Majesty Padella. And also (though alack that I should say it!) to seize +wherever I should light upon him.’ + +‘First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!’ exclaimed His Royal Highness. + +‘--On the body of GIGLIO, whilome Prince of Paflagonia’ Hedzoff went on, +with indescribable emotion. ‘My Prince, give up your sword without ado. +Look! we are thirty thousand men to one!’ + +‘Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!’ cried the Prince; and +stepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, WITHOUT +PREPARATION, delivered a speech so magnificent, that no report can do +justice to it. It was all in blank verse (in which, from this time, he +invariably spoke, as more becoming his majestic station). It lasted for +three days and three nights, during which not a single person who heard +him was tired, or remarked the difference between daylight and dark. +The soldiers only cheering tremendously, when occasionally, once in nine +hours, the Prince paused to suck an orange, which Jones took out of the +bag. He explained, in terms which we say we shall not attempt to convey, +the whole history of the previous transaction, and his determination not +only not to give up his sword, but to assume his rightful crown; and +at the end of this extraordinary, this truly GIGANTIC effort, Captain +Hedzoff flung up his helmet, and cried, ‘Hurray! Hurray! Long live King +Giglio!’ + +Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at College! + +When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the army, and +their Sovereign himself did not disdain a little! And now it was with +some alarm that Captain Hedzoff told him his division was only the +advanced guard of the Paflagonian contingent, hastening to King +Padella’s aid; the main force being a day’s march in the rear under His +Royal Highness Prince Bulbo. + +‘We will wait here, good friend, to beat the Prince,’ His Majesty said, +‘and THEN will make his royal father wince.’ + + + + +XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA + +King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those which she +had received from the various princes who, as we have seen, had fallen +in love with her. His Majesty was a widower, and offered to marry his +fair captive that instant, but she declined his invitation in her usual +polite gentle manner, stating that Prince Giglio was her love, and +that any other union was out of the question. Having tried tears and +supplications in vain, this violent-tempered monarch menaced her with +threats and tortures; but she declared she would rather suffer all these +than accept the hand of her father’s murderer, who left her finally, +uttering the most awful imprecations, and bidding her prepare for death +on the following morning. + +All night long the King spent in advising how he should get rid of this +obdurate young creature. Cutting off her head was much too easy a death +for her; hanging was so common in His Majesty’s dominions that it no +longer afforded him any sport; finally, he bethought himself of a pair +of fierce lions which had lately been sent to him as presents, and he +determined, with these ferocious brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down. +Adjoining his castle was an amphitheatre where the Prince indulged in +bull-baiting, rat-hunting, and other ferocious sports. The two lions +were kept in a cage under this place; their roaring might be heard over +the whole city, the inhabitants of which, I am sorry to say, thronged in +numbers to see a poor young lady gobbled up by two wild beasts. + +The King took his place in the royal box, having the officers of his +Court around and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon whom His Majesty +was observed to look very fiercely; the fact is, royal spies had told +the monarch of Hogginarmo’s behaviour, his proposals to Rosalba, and his +offer to fight for the crown. Black as thunder looked King Padella at +this proud noble, as they sat in the front seats of the theatre waiting +to see the tragedy whereof poor Rosalba was to be the heroine. + +At length that Princess was brought out in her nightgown, with all her +beautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so pretty that even +the beef-eaters and keepers of the wild animals wept plentifully at +seeing her. And she walked with her poor little feet (only luckily the +arena was covered with sawdust), and went and leaned up against a great +stone in the centre of the amphitheatre, round which the Court and the +people were seated in boxes, with bars before them, for fear of +the great, fierce, red-maned, black-throated, long-tailed, roaring, +bellowing, rushing lions. And now the gates were opened, and with a +wurrawarrurawarar two great lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed out of +their den, where they had been kept for three weeks on nothing but a +little toast-and-water, and dashed straight up to the stone where poor +Rosalba was waiting. Commend her to your patron saints, all you kind +people, for she is in a dreadful state! + +There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the fierce King +Padella even felt a little compassion. But Count Hogginarmo, seated by +His Majesty, roared out ‘Hurray! Now for it! Soo-soo-soo!’ that nobleman +being uncommonly angry still at Rosalba’s refusal of him. + +But O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O extraordinary +coincidence, which I am sure none of you could BY ANY POSSIBILITY have +divined! When the lions came to Rosalba, instead of devouring her with +their great teeth, it was with kisses they gobbled her up! They licked +her pretty feet, they nuzzled their noses in her lap, they moo’d, they +seemed to say, ‘Dear, dear sister don’t you recollect your brothers in +the forest?’ And she put her pretty white arms round their tawny necks, +and kissed them. + +King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo was +extremely disgusted. ‘Pooh!’ the Count cried. ‘Gammon!’ exclaimed his +Lordship.’ These lions are tame beasts come from Wombwell’s or Astley’s. +It is a shame to put people off in this way. I believe they are little +boys dressed up in door-mats. They are no lions at all.’ + +‘Ha!’ said the King, ‘you dare to say “gammon” to your Sovereign, do +you? These lions are no lions at all, aren’t they? Ho! my beef-eaters! +Ho! my bodyguard! Take this Count Hogginarmo and fling him into the +circus! Give him a sword and buckler, let him keep his armour on, and +his weather-eye out, and fight these lions.’ + +The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked scowling +round at the King and his attendants. ‘Touch me not, dogs!’ he said, +‘or by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will gore you! Your Majesty thinks +Hogginarmo is afraid? No, not of a hundred thousand lions! Follow me +down into the circus, King Padella, and match thyself against one of +yon brutes. Thou darest not. Let them both come on, then!’ And opening a +grating of the box, he jumped lightly down into the circus. + + WURRA WURRA WURRA WUR-AW-AW-AW!!! + In about two minutes + The Count Hogginarmo was + GOBBLED UP + by + those lions, + bones, boots, and all, + and + There was an + End of him. + +At this, the King said, ‘Serve him right, the rebellious ruffian! And +now, as those lions won’t eat that young woman--’ + +‘Let her off!--let her off!’ cried the crowd. + +‘NO!’ roared the King. ‘Let the beef-eaters go down and chop her into +small pieces. If the lions defend her, let the archers shoot them to +death. That hussy shall die in tortures!’ + +‘A-a-ah!’ cried the crowd. ‘Shame! shame!’ + +‘Who dares cry out shame?’ cried the furious potentate (so little can +tyrants command their passions). ‘Fling any scoundrel who says a word +down among the lions!’ + +I warrant you there was a dead silence then, which was broken by a Pang +arang pang pangkarangpang, and a Knight and a Herald rode in at the +further end of the circus: the Knight, in full armour, with his vizor +up, and bearing a letter on the point of his lance. + +‘Ha!’ exclaimed the King, ‘by my fey, ‘tis Elephant and Castle, +pursuivant of my brother of Paflagonia; and the Knight, an’ my memory +serves me, is the gallant Captain Hedzoff! What news from Paflagonia, +gallant Hedzoff? Elephant and Castle, beshrew me, thy trumpeting must +have made thee thirsty. What will my trusty herald like to drink?’ + +‘Bespeaking first safe conduct from your Lordship,’ said Captain +Hedzoff, ‘before we take a drink of anything, permit us to deliver our +King’s message.’ + +‘My Lordship, ha!’ said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. ‘That title +soundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned King. Straightway +speak out your message, Knight and Herald!’ + +Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the King’s +balcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and bade him begin. + +Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, took a +large sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to read:-- + +‘O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these presents, that we, Giglio, +King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign Prince of Turkey +and the Sausage Islands, having assumed our rightful throne and title, +long time falsely borne by our usurping Uncle, styling himself King of +Paflagonia--’ + +‘Ha!’ growled Padella. + +‘Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King of Crim +Tartary--’ + +The King’s curses were dreadful. ‘Go on, Elephant and Castle!’ said the +intrepid Hedzoff. + +‘--To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and rightful +Sovereign, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore her to her royal +throne: in default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the said Padella sneak, +traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I challenge him to meet me, with +fists or with pistols, with battle-axe or sword, with blunderbuss or +singlestick, alone or at the head of his army, on foot or on horseback; +and will prove my words upon his wicked ugly body!’ + +‘God save the King!’ said Captain Hedzoff, executing a demivolte, two +semilunes, and three caracols. + +‘Is that all?’ said Padella, with the terrific calm of concentrated +fury. + +‘That, sir, is all my royal master’s message. Here is His Majesty’s +letter in autograph, and here is his glove, and if any gentleman of +Crim Tartary chooses to find fault with His Majesty’s expressions, I, +Tuffskin Hedzoff, Captain of the Guard, am very much at his service,’ +and he waved his lance, and looked at the assembly all round. + +‘And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son’s +father-in-law, to this rubbish?’ asked the King. + +‘The King’s uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly wore,’ +said Hedzoff gravely. ‘He and his axminister, Glumboso, are now in +prison waiting the sentence of my royal master. After the battle of +Bombardaro--’ + +‘Of what?’ asked the surprised Padella. + +‘Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present Majesty, would have +performed prodigies of velour, but that the whole of his uncle’s army +came over to our side, with the exception of Prince Bulbo.’ + +‘Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!’ cried Padella. + +‘Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir; but I caught +him. The Prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most terrific +tortures await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba’s head is injured.’ + +‘Do they?’ exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly LIVID +with rage.’ Do they indeed? So much the worse for Bulbo. I’ve twenty +sons as lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as fit to reign as Bulbo. +Whip, whack, flog, starve, rack, punish, torture Bulbo--break all his +bones--roast him or flay him alive--pull all his pretty teeth out one by +one! But justly dear as Bulbo is to me,--joy of my eyes, fond treasure +of my soul!--Ha, ha, ha, ha! revenge is dearer still. Ho! tortures, +rack-men, executioners--light up the fires and make the pincers hot! get +lots of boiling lead!--Bring out ROSALBA!’ + + + + +XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO + +Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel command, +having done his duty in delivering the message with which his royal +master had entrusted him. Of course he was very sorry for Rosalba, but +what could he do? + +So he returned to King Giglio’s camp, and found the young monarch in a +disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the royal tent. His +Majesty’s agitation was not appeased by the news that was brought by +his ambassador. ‘The brutal ruthless ruffian royal wretch!’ Giglio +exclaimed. ‘As England’s poesy has well remarked, “The man that lays +his hand upon a woman, save in the way of kindness, is a villain.” Ha, +Hedzoff!’ + +‘That he is, your Majesty,’ said the attendant. + +‘And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and didn’t the soothing +oil--the emollient oil, refuse to boil, good Hedzoff--and to spoil the +fairest lady ever eyes did look on?’ + +‘Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a beauteous lady +boiling down; I took your royal message to Padella, and bore his back +to you. I told him you would hold Prince Bulbo answerable. He only said +that he had twenty sons as good as Bulbo, and forthwith he bade the +ruthless executioners proceed.’ + +‘O cruel father--O unhappy son!’ cried the King. ‘Go, some of you, and +bring Prince Bulbo hither.’ + +Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. Though a +prisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because his mind was at +rest, and all the fighting was over, and he was playing at marbles with +his guards when the King sent for him. + +‘Oh, my poor Bulbo,’ said His Majesty, with looks of infinite +compassion, ‘hast thou heard the news?’ (for you see Giglio wanted to +break the thing gently to the Prince), ‘thy brutal father has condemned +Rosalba--p-p-p-ut her to death, P-p-p-prince Bulbo!’ + +‘What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo,’ cried out Bulbo. ‘Betsinda! pretty +Betsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the dearest little girl in the world. +I love her better twenty thousand times even than Angelica,’ and he went +on expressing his grief in so hearty and unaffected a manner that the +King was quite touched by it, and said, shaking Bulbo’s hand, that he +wished he had known Bulbo sooner. + +Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered to come +and sit with His Majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, and console him. +The ROYAL KINDNESS supplied Bulbo with a cigar; he had not had one, he +said, since he was taken prisoner. + +And now think what must have been the feelings of the most MERCIFUL OF +MONARCHS, when he informed his prisoner that, in consequence of King +Padella’s cruel and DASTARDLY BEHAVIOUR to Rosalba, Prince Bulbo must +instantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not restrain his tears, +nor could the Grenadiers, nor the officers, nor could Bulbo himself, +when the matter was explained to him, and he was brought to understand +that His Majesty’s promise, of course, was ABOVE EVERY THING, and Bulbo +must submit. So poor Bulbo was led out, Hedzoff trying to console him, +by pointing out that if he had won the battle of Bombardaro, he might +have hanged Prince Giglio. ‘Yes! But that is no comfort to me now!’ said +poor Bulbo; nor indeed was it, poor fellow! + +He was told the business would be done the next morning at eight, and +was taken back to his dungeon, where every attention was paid to him. +The gaoler’s wife sent him tea, and the turnkey’s daughter begged him +to write his name in her album, where a many gentlemen had written it on +like occasions! ‘Bother your album!’ says Bulbo. The Undertaker came and +measured him for the handsomest coffin which money could buy--even this +didn’t console Bulbo. The Cook brought him dishes which he once used to +like; but he wouldn’t touch them: he sat down and began writing an adieu +to Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawing +nearer to next morning. The Barber came in at night, and offered to +shave him for the next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and went +on writing a few words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept always +ticking, and the hands hopping nearer and nearer to next morning. He got +up on the top of a hatbox, on the top of a chair, on the top of his bed, +on the top of his table, and looked out to see whether he might escape +as the clock kept always ticking and the hands drawing nearer, and +nearer, and nearer. + +But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping another: and +the town clock struck seven. So he got into bed for a little sleep, but +the gaoler came and woke him, and said, ‘Git up, your Royal Ighness, if +you please, it’s TEN MINUTES TO EIGHT!’ + +So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his clothes (the lazy boy), +and he shook himself, and said he didn’t mind about dressing, or having +any breakfast, thank you; and he saw the soldiers who had come for him. +‘Lead on!’ he said; and they led the way, deeply affected; and they came +into the courtyard, and out into the square, and there was King Giglio +come to take leave of him, and His Majesty most kindly shook hands with +him, and the ‘Take off that marched on:--when hark! + +Haw--wurraw--wurraw--aworr! + +A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding into the +town, frightening away the boys, and even the beadle and policeman, but +ROSALBA! + +The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court of +Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, the lions made +a dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six beef-eaters in a jiffy, and +away they went with Rosalba on the back of one of them, and they carried +her, turn and turn about, till they came to the city where Prince +Giglio’s army was encamped. + +When the KING heard of the QUEEN’S arrival, you may think how he rushed +out of his breakfast-room to hand Her Majesty off her lion! The lions +were grown as fat as pigs now, having had Hogginarmo and all those +beefeaters, and were so tame, anybody might pat them. + +While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped the Princess, Bulbo, +for his part, rushed up and kissed the lion. He flung his arms round the +forest monarch; he hugged him, and laughed and cried for joy. ‘Oh, you +darling old beast, oh, how glad I am to see you, and the dear, dear +Bets--that is, Rosalba.’ + +‘What, is it you? poor Bulbo!’ said the Queen.’ Oh, how glad I am to see +you,’ and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio slapped him most +kindly on the back, and said, ‘Bulbo, my boy, I am delighted, for your +sake, that Her Majesty has arrived.’ + +‘So am I,’ said Bulbo; ‘and YOU KNOW WHY.’ Captain Hedzoff here came up. +‘Sire, it is half-past eight: shall we proceed with the execution?’ + +‘Execution! what for?’ asked Bulbo. + +‘An officer only knows his orders,’ replied Captain Hedzoff, showing his +warrant, on which His Majesty King Giglio smilingly said, ‘Prince Bulbo +was reprieved this time,’ and most graciously invited him to breakfast. + + + + +XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT + +As soon as King Padella heard, what we know already, that his victim, +the lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, His Majesty’s fury knew no bounds, +and he pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chamberlain, and every officer +of the Crown whom he could set eyes on, into the cauldron of boiling oil +prepared for the Princess. Then he ordered out his whole army, horse, +foot, and artillery; and set forth at the head of an innumerable host, +and I should think twenty thousand drummers, trumpeters, and fifers. + +King Giglio’s advance guard, you may be sure, kept that monarch +acquainted with the enemy’s dealings, and he was in nowise disconcerted. +He was much too polite to alarm the Princess, his lovely guest, with +any unnecessary rumours of battles impending; on the contrary, he did +everything to amuse and divert her; gave her a most elegant breakfast, +dinner, lunch, and got up a ball for her that evening, when he danced +with her every single dance. + +Poor Bulbo was taken into favour again, and allowed to go quite free +now. He had new clothes given him, was called ‘My good cousin’ by His +Majesty, and was treated with the greatest distinction by everybody. +But it was easy to see he was very melancholy. The fact is, the sight of +Betsinda, who looked perfectly lovely in an elegant new dress, set +poor Bulbo frantic in love with her again. And he never thought about +Angelica, now Princess Bulbo, whom he had left at home, and who, as we +know, did not care much about him. + +The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosalba, remarked with +wonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba told him how she had got it +from Gruffanuff, who no doubt had picked it up when Angelica flung it +away. + +‘Yes,’ says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young people, +and who had very likely certain plans regarding them. ‘That ring I gave +the Queen, Giglio’s mother, who was not, saving your presence, a very +wise woman; it is enchanted, and whoever wears it looks beautiful in the +eyes of the world, I made poor Prince Bulbo, when he was christened, the +present of a rose which made him look handsome while he had it; but he +gave it to Angelica, who instantly looked beautiful again, whilst Bulbo +relapsed into his natural plainness.’ + +‘Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure,’ says Giglio, with a low bow. ‘She is +beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any enchanted aid.’ + +‘Oh, sir!’ said Rosalba. + +‘Take off the ring and try,’ said the King, and resolutely drew the ring +off her finger. In HIS eyes she looked just as handsome as before! + +The King was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so dangerous +and made all the people so mad about Rosalba; but being a Prince of +great humour, and good humour too, he cast eyes upon a poor youth who +happened to be looking on very disconsolately, and said-- + +‘Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring. The Princess Rosalba +makes it a present to you.’ + +The magic properties of this ring were uncommonly strong, for no sooner +had Bulbo put it on, but lo and behold, he appeared a personable, +agreeable young Prince enough--with a fine complexion, fair hair, rather +stout, and with bandy legs; but these were encased in such a beautiful +pair of yellow morocco boots that nobody remarked them. And Bulbo’s +spirits rose up almost immediately after he had looked in the glass, and +he talked to their Majesties in the most lively, agreeable manner, and +danced opposite the Queen with one of the prettiest maids of honour, and +after looking at Her Majesty, could not help saying-- + +‘How very odd! she is very pretty, but not so EXTRAORDINARILY handsome.’ + +‘Oh no, by no means!’ says the Maid of Honour. + +‘But what care I, dear sir,’ says the Queen, who overheard them, ‘if YOU +think I am good-looking enough?’ + +His Majesty’s glance in reply to this affectionate speech was such that +no painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick said, ‘Bless you, my +darling children! Now you are united and happy; and now you see what I +said from the first, that a little misfortune has done you both good. +YOU, Giglio, had you been bred in prosperity, would scarcely have +learned to read or write--you would have been idle and extravagant, and +could not have been a good King as now you will be. You, Rosalba, would +have been so flattered, that your little head might have been turned +like Angelica’s, who thought herself too good for Giglio.’ + +‘As if anybody could be good enough for HIM,’ cried Rosalba. + +‘Oh, you, you darling!’ says Giglio. And so she was; and he was just +holding out his arms in order to give her a hug before the whole +company, when a messenger came rushing in, and said, ‘My Lord, the +enemy!’ + +‘To arms!’ cries Giglio. + +‘Oh, mercy!’ says Rosalba, and fainted of course. + +He snatched one kiss from her lips, and rushed FORTH TO THE FIELD of +battle! + +The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armour, which was not +only embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to your eyes to +look at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and sword-proof; so that in the +midst of the very hottest battles His Majesty rode about as calmly as if +he had been a British Grenadier at Alma. Were I engaged in fighting for +my country, _I_ should like such a suit of armour as Prince Giglio wore; +but, you know, he was a Prince of a fairy tale, and they always have +these wonderful things. + +Besides the fairy armour, the Prince had a fairy horse, which would +gallop at any pace you pleased; and a fairy sword, which would lengthen +and run through a whole regiment of enemies at once. With such a weapon +at command, I wonder, for my part, he thought of ordering his army out; +but forth they all came, in magnificent new uniforms, Hedzoff and the +Prince’s two college friends each commanding a division, and His Majesty +prancing in person at the head of them all. + +Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear friends, would +I not now entertain you with the account of a most tremendous shindy? +Should not fine blows be struck? dreadful wounds be delivered? arrows +darken the air? cannon balls crash through the battalions? cavalry +charge infantry? infantry pitch into cavalry? bugles blow; drums beat; +horses neigh; fifes sing; soldiers roar, swear, hurray; officers shout +out ‘Forward, my men!’ ‘This way, lads!’ ‘Give it ‘em, boys!’ ‘Fight for +King Giglio, and the cause of right!’ ‘King Padella for ever!’ Would I +not describe all this, I say, and in the very finest language too? But +this humble pen does not possess the skill necessary for the description +of combats. In a word, the overthrow of King Padella’s army was so +complete, that if they had been Russians you could not have wished them +to be more utterly smashed and confounded. + +As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of velour much more +considerable than could be expected of a royal ruffian and usurper, +who had such a bad cause, and who was so cruel to women,--as for King +Padella, I say, when his army ran away, the King ran away too, kicking +his first general, Prince Punchikoff, from his saddle, and galloping +away on the Prince’s horse, having, indeed, had twenty-five or +twenty-six of his own shot under him. Hedzoff coming up, and finding +Punchikoff down, as you may imagine, very speedily disposed of HIM. +Meanwhile King Padella was scampering off as hard as his horse could +lay legs to ground. Fast as he scampered, I promise you somebody else +galloped faster; and that individual, as no doubt you are aware, was the +Royal Giglio, who kept bawling out, ‘Stay, traitor! Turn, miscreant, and +defend thyself! Stand, tyrant, coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cut +thy ugly head from thy usurping shoulders!’ And, with his fairy sword, +which elongated itself at will, His Majesty kept poking and prodding +Padella in the back, until that wicked monarch roared with anguish. + +When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt Prince +Giglio a prodigious crack over the sconce with his battle-axe, a most +enormous weapon, which had cut down I don’t know how many regiments in +the course of the afternoon. But, Law bless you! though the blow fell +right down on His Majesty’s helmet, it made no more impression than if +Padella had struck him with a pat of butter: his battle-axe crumpled up +in Padella’s hand, and the Royal Giglio laughed for very scorn at the +impotent efforts of that atrocious usurper. + +At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar monarch was justly +irritated. ‘If,’ says he to Giglio, ‘you ride a fairy horse, and wear +fairy armour, what on earth is the use of my hitting you? I may as well +give myself up a prisoner at once. Your Majesty won’t, I suppose, be so +mean as to strike a poor fellow who can’t strike again?’ + +The justice of Padella’s remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. ‘Do you +yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?’ says he. + +‘Of course I do,’ says Padella. + +‘Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful Queen, and give up the +crown and all your treasures to your rightful mistress?’ + +‘If I must, I must,’ says Padella, who was naturally very sulky. + +By this time King Giglio’s aides-de-camp had come up, whom His Majesty +ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands behind him, and +bound his legs tight under his horse, having set him with his face to +the tail; and in this fashion he was led back to King Giglio’s quarters, +and thrust into the very dungeon where young Bulbo had been confined. + +Padella (who was a very different person in the depth of his distress, +to Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar crown), now most +affectionately and earnestly asked to see his son--his dear eldest +boy--his darling Bulbo; and that good-natured young man never once +reproached his haughty parent for his unkind conduct the day before, +when he would have left Bulbo to be shot without any pity, but came to +see his father, and spoke to him through the grating of the door, beyond +which he was not allowed to go; and brought him some sandwiches from the +grand supper which His Majesty was giving above stairs, in honour of the +brilliant victory which had just been achieved. + +‘I cannot stay with you long, sir,’ says Bulbo, who was in his best ball +dress, as he handed his father in the prog, ‘I am engaged to dance the +next quadrille with Her Majesty Queen Rosalba, and I hear the fiddles +playing at this very moment.’ + +So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the wretched Padella ate his +solitary supper in silence and tears. + +All was now joy in King Giglio’s circle. Dancing, feasting, fun, +illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. The people +through whose villages they passed were ordered to illuminate their +cottages at night, and scatter flowers on the roads during the day. They +were requested, and I promise you they did not like to refuse, to serve +the troops liberally with eatables and wine; besides, the army was +enriched by the immense quantity of plunder which was found in King +Padella’s camp, and taken from his soldiers; who (after they had given +up everything) were allowed to fraternise with the conquerors; and the +united forces marched back by easy stages towards King Giglio’s capital, +his royal banner and that of Queen Rosalba being carried in front of the +troops. Hedzoff was made a Duke and a Field-Marshal. Smith and Jones +were promoted to be Earls; the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and the +Paflagonian decoration of the Cucumber were freely distributed by their +Majesties to the army. Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian Ribbon of +the Cucumber across her riding-habit, whilst King Giglio never appeared +without the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. How the people cheered them as +they rode along side by side! They were pronounced to be the handsomest +couple ever seen: that was a matter of course; but they really WERE very +handsome, and, had they been otherwise, would have looked so, they were +so happy! Their Majesties were never separated during the whole day, but +breakfasted, dined, and supped together always, and rode side by side, +interchanging elegant compliments, and indulging in the most delightful +conversation. At night, Her Majesty’s ladies of honour (who had +all rallied round her the day after King Padella’s defeat) came and +conducted her to the apartments prepared for her; whilst King Giglio, +surrounded by his gentlemen, withdrew to his own Royal quarters. It was +agreed they should be married as soon as they reached the capital, and +orders were dispatched to the Archbishop of Blombodinga, to hold himself +in readiness to perform the interesting ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carried +the message, and gave instructions to have the Royal Castle splendidly +refurnished and painted afresh. The Duke seized Glumboso, the Ex-Prime +Minister, and made him refund that considerable sum of money which the +old scoundrel had secreted out of the late King’s treasure. He also +clapped Valoroso into prison (who, by the way, had been dethroned +for some considerable period past), and when the Ex-Monarch weakly +remonstrated, Hedzoff said, ‘A soldier, sir, knows but his duty; my +orders are to lock you up along with the Ex-King Padella, whom I have +brought hither a prisoner under guard.’ So these two Ex-Royal personages +were sent for a year to the House of Correction, and thereafter were +obliged to become monks of the severest Order of Flagellants, in which +state, by fasting, by vigils, by flogging (which they administered +to one another, humbly but resolutely), no doubt they exhibited a +repentance for their past misdeeds, usurpations, and private and public +crimes. + +As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never had an +opportunity to steal any more. + + + + +XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL + +The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young King and Queen had +certainly won their respective crowns back, would come not unfrequently, +to pay them a little visit--as they were riding in their triumphal +progress towards Giglio’s capital--change her wand into a pony, and +travel by their Majesties’ side, giving them the very best advice. I am +not sure that King Giglio did not think the Fairy and her advice rather +a bore, fancying it was his own velour and merits which had put him on +his throne, and conquered Padella: and, in fine, I fear he rather gave +himself airs towards his best friend and patroness. She exhorted him to +deal justly by his subjects, to draw mildly on the taxes, never to break +his promise when he had once given it--and in all respects to be a good +King. + +‘A good King, my dear Fairy!’ cries Rosalba. ‘Of course he will. Break +his promise! can you fancy my Giglio would ever do anything so improper, +so unlike him? No! never!’ And she looked fondly towards Giglio, whom +she thought a pattern of perfection. + +‘Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how to +manage my government, and warning me to keep my word? Does she suppose +that I am not a man of sense, and a man of honour?’ asks Giglio testily. +‘Methinks she rather presumes upon her position.’ + +‘Hush! dear Giglio,’ says Rosalba. ‘You know Blackstick has been very +kind to us, and we must not offend her.’ But the Fairy was not listening +to Giglio’s testy observations, she had fallen back, and was trotting +on her pony now, by Master Bulbo’s side, who rode a donkey, and made +himself generally beloved in the army by his cheerfulness, kindness, and +good-humour to everybody. He was eager to see his darling Angelica. He +thought there never was such a charming being. Blackstick did not tell +him it was the possession of the magic rose that made Angelica so lovely +in his eyes. She brought him the very best accounts of his little wife, +whose misfortunes and humiliations had indeed very greatly improved +her; and, you see, she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a +minute, and be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from Bulbo +to Angelica, and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that young man upon +his journey. + +When the Royal party arrived at the last stage before you reach +Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there with her +lady of honour by her side, but the Princess Angelica! She rushed into +her husband’s arms, scarcely stopping to make a passing curtsey to the +King and Queen. She had no eyes but for Bulbo, who appeared perfectly +lovely to her on account of the fairy ring which he wore; whilst she +herself, wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, seemed entirely beautiful +to the enraptured Bulbo. + +A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal party, of which the +Archbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff, Countess Gruffanuff, and all +our friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated on the left of +King Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. You could hear the +joy-bells ringing in the capital, and the guns which the citizens were +firing off in honour of their Majesties. + +‘What can have induced that hideous old Gruffanuff to dress herself up +in such an absurd way? Did you ask her to be your bridesmaid, my dear?’ +says Giglio to Rosalba. ‘What a figure of fun Gruffy is!’ + +Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties, between the Archbishop and +the Lord Chancellor, and a figure of fun she certainly was, for she was +dressed in a low white silk dress, with lace over, a wreath of white +roses on her wig, a splendid lace veil, and her yellow old neck was +covered with diamonds. She ogled the King in such a manner that His +Majesty burst out laughing. + +‘Eleven o’clock!’ cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell of +Blombodinga tolled that hour. ‘Gentlemen and ladies, we must be +starting. Archbishop, you must be at church, I think, before twelve?’ + +‘We must be at church before twelve,’ sighs out Gruffanuff in a +languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan. + +‘And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions,’ cries Giglio, +with an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba. + +‘Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!’ exclaims Gruffanuff; ‘and can it +be that this happy moment at length has arrived--’ + +‘Of course it has arrived,’ says the King. + +‘--and that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my adored +Giglio!’ continues Gruffanuff. ‘Lend me a smelling-bottle, somebody. I +certainly shall faint with joy.’ + +‘YOU my bride?’ roars out Giglio. + +‘YOU marry my Prince?’ cried poor little Rosalba. + +‘Pooh! Nonsense! The woman’s mad!’ exclaims the King. And all the +courtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions, marks of +surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder. + +‘I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am not?’ +shrieks out Gruffanuff. ‘I should like to know if King Giglio is a +gentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice in Paflagonia? Lord +Chancellor! my Lord Archbishop! will your Lordships sit by and see a +poor, fond, confiding, tender creature put upon? Has not Prince Giglio +promised to marry his Barbara? Is not this Giglio’s signature? Does not +this paper declare that he is mine, and only mine?’ And she handed +to his Grace the Archbishop the document which the Prince signed +that evening when she wore the magic ring, and Giglio drank so much +champagne. And the old Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses, read-- + +“‘This is to give notice, that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of +Paflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming Barbara Griselda, +Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq.” + +‘H’m,’ says the Archbishop, ‘the document is certainly a--a document.’ + +‘Phoo!’ says the Lord Chancellor, ‘the signature is not in His Majesty’s +handwriting.’ Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, Giglio had made an +immense improvement in caligraphy. + +‘Is it your handwriting, Giglio?’ cries the Fairy Blackstick, with an +awful severity of countenance. + +‘Y--y--y--es,’ poor Giglio gasps out, ‘I had quite forgotten the +confounded paper: she can’t mean to hold me by it. You old wretch, what +will you take to let me off? Help the Queen, some one--Her Majesty has +fainted.’ + +‘Chop her head off!’ } exclaim the impetuous ‘Smother the old witch!’ } +Hedzoff, the ardent Smith, and ‘Pitch her into the river!’ } the faithful +Jones. + +But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the Archbishop’s neck, and bellowed +out, ‘Justice, justice, my Lord Chancellor!’ so loudly, that her +piercing shrieks caused everybody to pause. As for Rosalba, she was +borne away lifeless by her ladies; and you may imagine the look of agony +which Giglio cast towards that lovely being, as his hope, his joy, his +darling, his all in all, was thus removed, and in her place the horrid +old Gruffanuff rushed up to his side, and once more shrieked out, +‘Justice, justice!’ + +‘Won’t you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid?’ says Giglio; ‘two +hundred and eighteen thousand millions, or thereabouts. It’s a handsome +sum.’ + +‘I will have that and you too!’ says Gruffanuff. + +‘Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain,’ gasps out Giglio. + +‘I will wear them by my Giglio’s side!’ says Gruffanuff. + +‘Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths, nineteen-twentieths, of my +kingdom do, Countess?’ asks the trembling monarch. + +‘What were all Europe to me without YOU, my Giglio?’ cries Gruff, +kissing his hand. + +‘I won’t, I can’t, I shan’t,--I’ll resign the crown first,’ shouts +Giglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff clung to it. + +‘I have a competency, my love,’ she says, ‘and with thee and a cottage +thy Barbara will be happy.’ + +Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. ‘I will not marry her,’ +says he. ‘Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me counsel?’ And as he spoke he looked +wildly round at the severe face of the Fairy Blackstick. + +“‘Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to keep my +word? Does she suppose that I am not a man of honour?”’ said the Fairy, +quoting Giglio’s own haughty words. He quailed under the brightness +of her eyes; he felt that there was no escape for him from that awful +inquisition. + +‘Well, Archbishop,’ said he in a dreadful voice, that made his Grace +start, ‘since this Fairy has led me to the height of happiness but to +dash me down into the depths of despair, since I am to lose Rosalba, let +me at least keep my honour. Get up, Countess, and let us be married; I +can keep my word, but I can die afterwards.’ + +‘Oh, dear Giglio,’ cries Gruffanuff, skipping up, ‘I knew, I knew I +could trust thee--I knew that my Prince was the soul of honour. Jump +into your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and let us go to church at +once; and as for dying, dear Giglio, no, no:--thou wilt forget that +insignificant little chambermaid of a Queen--thou wilt live to be +consoled by thy Barbara! She wishes to be a Queen, and not a Queen +Dowager, my gracious Lord!’ And hanging upon poor Giglio’s arm, and +leering and grinning in his face in the most disgusting manner, this old +wretch tripped off in her white satin shoes, and jumped into the very +carriage which had been got ready to convey Giglio and Rosalba to +church. The cannons roared again, the bells pealed triple-bobmajors, the +people came out flinging flowers upon the path of the royal bride and +bridegroom, and Gruff looked out of the gilt coach window and bowed and +grinned to them. Phoo! the horrid old wretch! + + + + +XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME + +The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess Rosalba +prodigious strength of mind, and that highly principled young +woman presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of which Fairy +Blackstick, by a precious essence which the Fairy always carried in her +pocket, awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying, and bemoaning +herself, and fainting again, as many young women would have done, +Rosalba remembered that she owed an example of firmness to her subjects; +and though she loved Giglio more than her life, was determined, as she +told the Fairy, not to interfere between him and justice, or to cause +him to break his royal word. + +‘I cannot marry him, but I shall love him always,’ says she to +Blackstick; ‘I will go and be present at his marriage with the Countess, +and sign the book, and wish them happy with all my heart. I will see, +when I get home, whether I cannot make the new Queen some handsome +presents. The Crim Tartary crown diamonds are uncommonly fine, and I +shall never have any use for them. I will live and die unmarried like +Queen Elizabeth, and, of course, I shall leave my crown to Giglio when +I quit this world. Let us go and see them married, my dear Fairy, let me +say one last farewell to him; and then, if you please, I will return to +my own dominions.’ + +So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at once +changed her wand into a very comfortable coach-and-four, with a steady +coachman, and two respectable footmen behind, and the Fairy and Rosalba +got into the coach, which Angelica and Bulbo entered after them. As +for honest Bulbo, he was blubbering in the most pathetic manner, quite +overcome by Rosalba’s misfortune. She was touched by the honest fellow’s +sympathy, promised to restore to him the confiscated estates of Duke +Padella his father, and created him, as he sat there in the coach, +Prince, Highness, and First Grandee of the Crim Tartar Empire. The +coach moved on, and, being a fairy coach, soon came up with the bridal +procession. + +Before the ceremony at church it was the custom in Paflagonia, as it is +in other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to sign the Contract +of Marriage, which was to be witnessed by the Chancellor, Minister, Lord +Mayor, and principal officers of state. Now, as the royal palace was +being painted and furnished anew, it was not ready for the reception of +the King and his bride, who proposed at first to take up their residence +at the Prince’s palace, that one which Valoroso occupied when Angelica +was born, and before he usurped the throne. + +So the marriage party drove up to the palace: the dignitaries got out of +their carriages and stood aside: poor Rosalba stepped out of her coach, +supported by Bulbo, and stood almost fainting up against the railings +so as to have a last look of her dear Giglio. As for Blackstick, she, +according to her custom, had flown out of the coach window in some +inscrutable manner, and was now standing at the palace door. + +Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride on his arm, looking +as pale as if he was going to execution. He only frowned at the Fairy +Blackstick--he was angry with her, and thought she came to insult his +misery. + +‘Get out of the way, pray,’ says Gruffanuff haughtily. ‘I wonder why you +are always poking your nose into other people’s affairs?’ + +‘Are you determined to make this poor young man unhappy?’ says +Blackstick. + +‘To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours? Pray, madam, don’t say +“you” to a Queen,’ cries Gruffanuff. + +‘You won’t take the money he offered you?’ + +‘No.’ + +‘You won’t let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated him when +you made him sign the paper?’ + +‘Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!’ cries Gruffanuff. And the +policemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her wand the Fairy +struck them all like so many statues in their places. + +‘You won’t take anything in exchange for your bond, Mrs. Gruffanuff,’ +cries the Fairy, with awful severity. ‘I speak for the last time.’ + +‘No!’ shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. ‘I’ll have my husband, +my husband, my husband!’ + +‘YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!’ the Fairy Blackstick cried; and advancing +a step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER. + +As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open mouth +opened still wider, and uttered a roar which made everybody start. +The eyes rolled wildly; the arms and legs uncurled themselves, writhed +about, and seemed to lengthen with each twist; the knocker expanded into +a figure in yellow livery, six feet high; the screws by which it was +fixed to the door unloosed themselves, and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once more +trod the threshold off which he had been lifted more than twenty years +ago! + +‘Master’s not at home,’ says Jenkins, just in his old voice; and Mrs. +Jenkins, giving a dreadful YOUP, fell down in a fit, in which nobody +minded her. + +For everybody was shouting, ‘Huzzay! huzzay!’ ‘Hip, hip, hurray!’ ‘Long +live the King and Queen!’ ‘Were such things ever seen?’ ‘No, never, +never, never!’ ‘The Fairy Blackstick for ever!’ + +The bells were ringing double peals, the guns roaring and banging most +prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing everybody; the Lord Chancellor was +flinging up his wig and shouting like a madman; Hedzoff had got the +Archbishop round the waist, and they were dancing a jig for joy; and as +for Giglio, I leave you to imagine what HE was doing, and if he kissed +Rosalba once, twice--twenty thousand times, I’m sure I don’t think he +was wrong. + +So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he had been +accustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the book, and then +they went to church and were married, and the Fairy Blackstick sailed +away on her cane, and was never more heard of in Paflagonia. + +and here ends the Fireside Pantomime. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Rose and the Ring, by +William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ROSE AND THE RING *** + +***** This file should be named 897-0.txt or 897-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/8/9/897/ + +Produced by Dianne Bean and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Rose and the Ring + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: February 5, 2006 [EBook #897] +Last Updated: September 27, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ROSE AND THE RING *** + + + + +Produced by Dianne Bean and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE ROSE AND THE RING + </h1> + <h2> + by William Makepeace Thackeray + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + PRELUDE + </h2> + <p> + It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season in a + foreign city where there were many English children. + </p> + <p> + In that city, if you wanted to give a child’s party, you could not even + get a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters—those funny + painted pictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, the Lady, the Dandy, + the Captain, and so on—with which our young ones are wont to + recreate themselves at this festive time. + </p> + <p> + My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that lived in + the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my young charges (it + was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and Messrs. Spillmann, two of the + best pastrycooks in Christendom, have their shop on the ground floor): + Miss Bunch, I say, begged me to draw a set of Twelfth-Night characters for + the amusement of our young people. + </p> + <p> + She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having looked at + the characters, she and I composed a history about them, which was recited + to the little folks at night, and served as our FIRESIDE PANTOMIME. + </p> + <p> + Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and Bulbo, + Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the Hall Porter + created a considerable sensation; and the wrath of Countess Gruffanuff was + received with extreme pleasure. + </p> + <p> + If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others be amused + also? In a few days Dr. Birch’s young friends will be expected to + reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn everything that is + useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers continue the business of + their little lives. + </p> + <p> + But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and be as + pleasant as we can. And you elder folk—a little joking, and dancing, + and fooling will do even you no harm. The author wishes you a merry + Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fireside Pantomime. + </p> + <p> + W. M. THACKERAY. December 1854. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> PRELUDE </a><br /><br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0002"> THE ROSE AND THE RING </a><br /> <br /> <br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0003"> I. </a> SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY + SATE DOWN TO BREAKFAST <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> II. </a> HOW + KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT <br /><br /> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> III. </a> TELLS WHO THE FAIRY + BLACKSTICK WAS <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> IV. </a> HOW + BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA’S CHRISTENING <br /><br /> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> V. </a> HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK + A LITTLE MAID <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> VI. </a> HOW + PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> VII. + </a> HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0010"> VIII. </a> HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE + FAIRY RING UP <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> IX. </a> HOW + BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> X. + </a> HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION <br /><br /> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> XI. </a> WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO + GIGLIO AND BETSINDA <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> XII. </a> HOW + BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> + XIII. </a> HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD + COUNT HOGGINARMO <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> XIV. </a> WHAT + BECAME OF GIGLIO <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> XV. </a> WE + RETURN TO ROSALBA <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> XVI. </a> HOW + HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0019"> XVII. </a> HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE + TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> XVIII. + </a> HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0021"> XIX. </a> AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST + SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ROSE AND THE RING + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SATE DOWN TO BREAKFAST + </h2> + <p> + This is Valoroso XXIV., King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen and only + child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the letter which + announces to His Majesty a proposed visit from Prince Bulbo, heir of + Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. Remark the delight upon the + monarch’s royal features. He is so absorbed in the perusal of the King of + Crim Tartary’s letter, that he allows his eggs to get cold, and leaves his + august muffins untasted. + </p> + <p> + ‘What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!’ cries Princess + Angelica; ‘so handsome, so accomplished, so witty—the conqueror of + Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Who told you of him, my dear?’ asks His Majesty. + </p> + <p> + ‘A little bird,’ says Angelica. + </p> + <p> + ‘Poor Giglio!’ says mamma, pouring out the tea. + </p> + <p> + ‘Bother Giglio!’ cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled with a + thousand curl-papers. + </p> + <p> + ‘I wish,’ growls the King—‘I wish Giglio was. . .’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Was better? Yes, dear, he is better,’ says the Queen. ‘Angelica’s little + maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my room this morning with my + early tea.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You are always drinking tea,’ said the monarch, with a scowl. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is better than drinking port or brandy and water;’ replies Her + Majesty. + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea,’ said the + King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his temper. ‘Angelica! + I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your milliners’ bills are long + enough. My dear Queen, you must see and have some parties. I prefer + dinners, but of course you will be for balls. Your everlasting blue velvet + quite tires me: and, my love, I should like you to have a new necklace. + Order one. Not more than a hundred or a hundred and fifty thousand + pounds.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And Giglio, dear?’ says the Queen. + </p> + <p> + ‘GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE—’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, sir,’ screams Her Majesty. ‘Your own nephew! our late King’s only + son.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Giglio may go to the tailor’s, and order the bills to be sent in to + Glumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. He need want + for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket-money, my dear; and + you may as well order yourself bracelets while you are about the necklace, + Mrs. V.’ + </p> + <p> + Her Majesty, or MRS. V., as the monarch facetiously called her (for even + royalty will have its sport, and this august family were very much + attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round her daughter’s + waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to make all things ready + for the princely stranger. + </p> + <p> + When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of the HUSBAND + and FATHER fled—the pride of the KING fled—the MAN was alone. + Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would describe Valoroso’s torments in + the choicest language; in which I would also depict his flashing eye, his + distended nostril—his dressing-gown, pocket-handkerchief, and boots. + But I need not say I have NOT the pen of that novelist; suffice it to say, + Valoroso was alone. + </p> + <p> + He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many egg-cups + with which his princely board was served for the matin meal, drew out a + bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and emptied the cup several times, + and laid it down with a hoarse ‘Ha, ha, ha! now Valoroso is a man again!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘But oh!’ he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), ‘ere I was a + king, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I detested the hot + brandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but nature’s rill. It dashes not + more quickly o’er the rocks than I did, as, with blunderbuss in hand, I + brushed away the early morning dew, and shot the partridge, snipe, or + antlered deer! Ah! well may England’s dramatist remark, “Uneasy lies the + head that wears a crown!” Why did I steal my nephew’s, my young Giglio’s—? + Steal! said I? no, no, no, not steal, not steal. Let me withdraw that + odious expression. I took, and on my manly head I set, the royal crown of + Paflagonia; I took, and with my royal arm I wield, the sceptral rod of + Paflagonia; I took, and in my outstretched hand I hold, the royal orb of + Paflagonia! Could a poor boy, a snivelling, drivelling boy—was in + his nurse’s arms but yesterday, and cried for sugarplums and puled for pap—bear + up the awful weight of crown, orb, sceptre? gird on the sword my royal + fathers wore, and meet in fight the tough Crimean foe?’ + </p> + <p> + And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we need not + say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had got it was his duty + to keep, and that, if at one time he had entertained ideas of a certain + restitution, which shall be nameless, the prospect by a CERTAIN MARRIAGE + of uniting two crowns and two nations which had been engaged in bloody and + expensive wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans had been, put the + idea of Giglio’s restoration to the throne out of the question: nay, were + his own brother, King Savio, alive, he would certainly will the crown from + his own son in order to bring about such a desirable union. + </p> + <p> + Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we wish is + right! The King took courage, read the papers, finished his muffins and + eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. The Queen, after thinking + whether she should go up and see Giglio, who had been sick, thought ‘Not + now. Business first; pleasure afterwards. I will go and see dear Giglio + this afternoon; and now I will drive to the jeweller’s, to look for the + necklace and bracelets.’ The Princess went up into her own room, and made + Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and as for Giglio, they + forgot him as much as I forget what I had for dinner last Tuesday + twelve-month. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT + </h2> + <p> + Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have been one of + those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not settled; for when + King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of the kingdom, and guardian + of Savio’s orphan infant, this unfaithful regent took no sort of regard of + the late monarch’s will; had himself proclaimed sovereign of Paflagonia + under the title of King Valoroso XXIV., had a most splendid coronation, + and ordered all the nobles of the kingdom to pay him homage. So long as + Valoroso gave them plenty of balls at Court, plenty of money and lucrative + places, the Paflagonian nobility did not care who was king; and as for the + people, in those early times, they were equally indifferent. The Prince + Giglio, by reason of his tender age at his royal father’s death, did not + feel the loss of his crown and empire. As long as he had plenty of toys + and sweetmeats, a holiday five times a week and a horse and gun to go out + shooting when he grew a little older, and, above all, the company of his + darling cousin, the King’s only child, poor Giglio was perfectly + contented; nor did he envy his uncle the royal robes and sceptre, the + great hot uncomfortable throne of state, and the enormous cumbersome crown + in which that monarch appeared from morning till night. King Valoroso’s + portrait has been left to us; and I think you will agree with me that he + must have been sometimes RATHER TIRED of his velvet, and his diamonds, and + his ermine, and his grandeur. I shouldn’t like to sit in that stifling + robe with such a thing as that on my head. + </p> + <p> + No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her youth; for though she + grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as shown in her + portrait, are certainly PLEASING. If she was fond of flattery, scandal, + cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently with her infirmities, which, + after all, may be no greater than our own. She was kind to her nephew; and + if she had any scruples of conscience about her husband’s taking the young + Prince’s crown, consoled herself by thinking that the King, though a + usurper, was a most respectable man, and that at his death Prince Giglio + would be restored to his throne, and share it with his cousin, whom he + loved so fondly. + </p> + <p> + The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most cheerfully + swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands the monarch left all + the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso wanted was plenty of money, + plenty of hunting, plenty of flattery, and as little trouble as possible. + As long as he had his sport, this monarch cared little how his people paid + for it: he engaged in some wars, and of course the Paflagonian newspapers + announced that he had gained prodigious victories: he had statues erected + to himself in every city of the empire; and of course his pictures placed + everywhere, and in all the print-shops: he was Valoroso the Magnanimous, + Valoroso the Victorious, Valoroso the Great, and so forth;—for even + in these early times courtiers and people knew how to flatter. + </p> + <p> + This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, you may be + sure, was a paragon in the courtiers’ eyes, in her parents’, and in her + own. It was said she had the longest hair, the largest eyes, the slimmest + waist, the smallest foot, and the most lovely complexion of any young lady + in the Paflagonian dominions. Her accomplishments were announced to be + even superior to her beauty; and governesses used to shame their idle + pupils by telling them what Princess Angelica could do. She could play the + most difficult pieces of music at sight. She could answer any one of + Mangnall’s Questions. She knew every date in the history of Paflagonia, + and every other country. She knew French, English, Italian, German, + Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Cappadocian, Samothracian, Aegean, and Crim + Tartar. In a word, she was a most accomplished young creature; and her + governess and lady-in-waiting was the severe Countess Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + Would you not fancy, from this picture, that Gruffanuff must have been a + person of highest birth? She looks so haughty that I should have thought + her a princess at the very least, with a pedigree reaching as far back as + the Deluge. But this lady was no better born than many other ladies who + give themselves airs; and all sensible people laughed at her absurd + pretensions. The fact is, she had been maid-servant to the Queen when Her + Majesty was only Princess, and her husband had been head footman; but + after his death or DISAPPEARANCE, of which you shall hear presently, this + Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and wheedling her royal + mistress, became a favourite with the Queen (who was rather a weak woman), + and Her Majesty gave her a title, and made her nursery governess to the + Princess. + </p> + <p> + And now I must tell you about the Princess’s learning and accomplishments, + for which she had such a wonderful character. Clever Angelica certainly + was, but as IDLE as POSSIBLE. Play at sight, indeed! she could play one or + two pieces, and pretend that she had never seen them before; she could + answer half a dozen Mangnall’s Questions; but then you must take care to + ask the RIGHT ones. As for her languages, she had masters in plenty, but I + doubt whether she knew more than a few phrases in each, for all her + presence; and as for her embroidery and her drawing, she showed beautiful + specimens, it is true, but WHO DID THEM? + </p> + <p> + This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back ever so + far, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY GRAND + PERSONAGES BESIDES + </h2> + <p> + Between the kingdoms of Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived a + mysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the Fairy + Blackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch which she carried; on which she + rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of business or + pleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. + </p> + <p> + When she was young, and had been first taught the art of conjuring by the + necromancer, her father, she was always practicing her skill, whizzing + about from one kingdom to another upon her black stick, and conferring her + fairy favours upon this Prince or that. She had scores of royal + godchildren; turned numberless wicked people into beasts, birds, + millstones, clocks, pumps, boot jacks, umbrellas, or other absurd shapes; + and, in a word, was one of the most active and officious of the whole + College of fairies. + </p> + <p> + But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I suppose Blackstick + grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, ‘What good am I doing by sending + this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? by fixing a black pudding on + to that booby’s nose? by causing diamonds and pearls to drop from one + little girl’s mouth, and vipers and toads from another’s? I begin to think + I do as much harm as good by my performances. I might as well shut my + incantations up, and allow things to take their natural course. + </p> + <p> + ‘There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio’s wife, and Duke + Padella’s wife, I gave them each a present, which was to render them + charming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure the affection of those + gentlemen as long as they lived. What good did my Rose and my Ring do + these two women? None on earth. From having all their whims indulged by + their husbands, they became capricious, lazy, ill-humoured, absurdly vain, + and leered and languished, and fancied themselves irresistibly beautiful, + when they were really quite old and hideous, the ridiculous creatures! + They used actually to patronise me when I went to pay them a visit—ME, + the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom of the necromancers, and + could have turned them into baboons, and all their diamonds into strings + of onions, by a single wave of my rod!’ So she locked up her books in her + cupboard, declined further magical performances, and scarcely used her + wand at all except as a cane to walk about with. + </p> + <p> + So when Duke Padella’s lady had a little son (the Duke was at that time + only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), Blackstick, although + invited to the christening, would not so much as attend; but merely sent + her compliments and a silver papboat for the baby, which was really not + worth a couple of guineas. About the same time the Queen of Paflagonia + presented His Majesty with a son and heir; and guns were fired, the + capital illuminated, and no end of feasts ordained to celebrate the young + Prince’s birth. It was thought the fairy, who was asked to be his + godmother, would at least have presented him with an invisible jacket, a + flying horse, a Fortunatus’s purse, or some other valuable token of her + favour; but instead, Blackstick went up to the cradle of the child Giglio, + when everybody was admiring him and complimenting his royal papa and + mamma, and said, ‘My poor child, the best thing I can send you is a little + MISFORTUNE’; and this was all she would utter, to the disgust of Giglio’s + parents, who died very soon after, when Giglio’s uncle took the throne, as + we read in Chapter I. + </p> + <p> + In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a christening + of his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy Blackstick, who had been invited, + was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio’s case. Whilst everybody was + expatiating over the beauty of the darling child, and congratulating its + parents, the Fairy Blackstick looked very sadly at the baby and its + mother, and said, ‘My good woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, and no + more minded a Queen than a washerwoman)—my good woman, these people + who are following you will be the first to turn against you; and as for + this little lady, the best thing I can wish her is a LITTLE MISFORTUNE.’ + So she touched Rosalba with her black wand, looked severely at the + courtiers, motioned the Queen an adieu with her hand, and sailed slowly up + into the air out of the window. + </p> + <p> + When she was gone, the Court people, who had been awed and silent in her + presence, began to speak. ‘What an odious Fairy she is (they said)—a + pretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she went to the King of Paflagonia’s + christening, and pretended to do all sorts of things for that family; and + what has happened—the Prince, her godson, has been turned off his + throne by his uncle. Would we allow our sweet Princess to be deprived of + her rights by any enemy? Never, never, never, never!’ + </p> + <p> + And they all shouted in a chorus, ‘Never, never, never, never!’ + </p> + <p> + Now, I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers show their + fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore’s vassals, the Duke Padella just + mentioned, rebelled against the King, who went out to chastise his + rebellious subject. ‘Any one rebel against our beloved and august + Monarch!’ cried the courtiers; ‘any one resist HIM? Pooh! He is + invincible, irresistible. He will bring home Padella a prisoner, and tie + him to a donkey’s tail, and drive him round the town, saying, “This is the + way the Great Cavolfiore treats rebels.”’ + </p> + <p> + The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the poor Queen, who was a + very timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill that I am sorry + to say she died; leaving injunctions with her ladies to take care of the + dear little Rosalba.—Of course they said they would. Of course they + vowed they would die rather than any harm should happen to the Princess. + At first the Crim Tartar Court Journal stated that the King was obtaining + great victories over the audacious rebel: then it was announced that the + troops of the infamous Padella were in flight: then it was said that the + royal army would soon come up with the enemy, and then—then the news + came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slain by His Majesty, King + Padella the First! + </p> + <p> + At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to the + conquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on all the + best articles in the palace; and poor little Rosalba was left there quite + alone—quite alone; and she toddled from one room to another, crying, + ‘Countess! Duchess!’ (Only she said ‘Tountess, Duttess,’ not being able to + speak plain) ‘bring me my mutton sop; my Royal Highness hungy! Tountess! + Duttess!’ And she went from the private apartments into the throne-room + and nobody was there;—and thence into the ballroom and nobody was + there;—and thence into the pages’ room and nobody was there;—and + she toddled down the great staircase into the hall and nobody was there;—and + the door was open, and she went into the court, and into the garden, and + thence into the wilderness, and thence into the forest where the wild + beasts live, and was never heard of any more! + </p> + <p> + A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the wood in + the mouths of two lionesses’ cubs whom KING PADELLA and a royal hunting + party shot—for he was King now, and reigned over Crim Tartary. ‘So + the poor little Princess is done for,’ said he; ‘well, what’s done can’t + be helped. Gentlemen, let us go to luncheon!’ And one of the courtiers + took up the shoe and put it in his pocket. And there was an end of + Rosalba! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA’S CHRISTENING + </h2> + <p> + When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did not ask the + Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave orders to their porter + absolutely to refuse her if she called. This porter’s name was Gruffanuff, + and he had been selected for the post by their Royal Highnesses because he + was a very tall fierce man, who could say ‘Not at home’ to a tradesman or + an unwelcome visitor with a rudeness which frightened most such persons + away. He was the husband of that Countess whose picture we have just seen, + and as long as they were together they quarrelled from morning till night. + Now this fellow tried his rudeness once too often, as you shall hear. For + the Fairy Blackstick coming to call upon the Prince and Princess, who were + actually sitting at the open drawing-room window, Gruffanuff not only + denied them, but made the most ODIOUS VULGAR SIGN as he was going to slam + the door in the Fairy’s face! ‘Git away, hold Blackstick!’ said he. ‘I + tell you, Master and Missis ain’t at home to you;’ and he was, as we have + said, GOING to slam the door. + </p> + <p> + But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut; and + Gruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in the most abominable way, + and asking the Fairy ‘whether she thought he was a going to stay at that + there door hall day?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You ARE going to stay at that door all day and all night, and for many a + long year,’ the Fairy said, very majestically; and Gruffanuff, coming out + of the door, straddling before it with his great calves, burst out + laughing, and cried, ‘Ha, ha, ha! this is a good un! Ha—ah—what’s + this? Let me down—O—o—H’m!’ and then he was dumb! + </p> + <p> + For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising off the + ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as if a screw ran + into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, and was pinned to the + door; and then his arms flew up over his head; and his legs, after + writhing about wildly, twisted under his body; and he felt cold, cold, + growing over him, as if he was turning into metal; and he said, ‘O—o—H’m!’ + and could say no more, because he was dumb. + </p> + <p> + He WAS turned into metal! He was, from being BRAZEN, BRASS! He was neither + more nor less than a knocker! And there he was, nailed to the door in the + blazing summer day, till he burned almost red-hot; and there he was, + nailed to the door all the bitter winter nights, till his brass nose was + dropping with icicles. And the postman came and rapped at him, and the + vulgarest boy with a letter came and hit him up against the door. And the + King and Queen (Princess and Prince they were then) coming home from a + walk that evening, the King said, ‘Hullo, my dear! you have had a new + knocker put on the door. Why, it’s rather like our porter in the face! + What has become of that boozy vagabond?’ And the house-maid came and + scrubbed his nose with sandpaper; and once, when the Princess Angelica’s + little sister was born, he was tied up in an old kid glove; and, another + night, some LARKING young men tried to wrench him off, and put him to the + most excruciating agony with a turn screw. And then the Queen had a fancy + to have the colour of the door altered; and the painters dabbed him over + the mouth and eyes, and nearly choked him, as they painted him pea-green. + I warrant he had leisure to repent of having been rude to the Fairy + Blackstick! + </p> + <p> + As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he was always guzzling beer + at the public-house, and notoriously quarrelling with his wife, and in + debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he had run away from all these + evils, and emigrated to Australia or America. And when the Prince and + Princess chose to become King and Queen, they left their old house, and + nobody thought of the porter any more. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID + </h2> + <p> + One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, she was + walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, the governess, + holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet complexion from the + freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to feed the swans and ducks in + the royal pond. + </p> + <p> + They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up to them + such a funny little girl! She had a great quantity of hair blowing about + her chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she had not been washed or + combed for ever so long. She wore a ragged bit of a cloak, and had only + one shoe on. + </p> + <p> + ‘You little wretch, who let you in here?’ asked Mrs. Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Div me dat bun,’ said the little girl, ‘me vely hungy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Hungry! what is that?’ asked Princess Angelica, and gave the child the + bun. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, Princess!’ says Mrs. Gruffanuff, ‘how good, how kind, how truly + angelical you are! See, Your Majesties,’ she said to the King and Queen, + who now came up, along with their nephew, Prince Giglio, ‘how kind the + Princess is! She met this little dirty wretch in the garden—I can’t + tell how she came in here, or why the guards did not shoot her dead at the + gate!—and the dear darling of a Princess has given her the whole of + her bun!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I didn’t want it,’ said Angelical + </p> + <p> + ‘But you are a darling little angel all the same,’ says the governess. + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes; I know I am,’ said Angelical ‘Dirty little girl, don’t you think I + am very pretty?’ Indeed, she had on the finest of little dresses and hats; + and, as her hair was carefully curled, she really looked very well. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, pooty, pooty!’ says the little girl, capering about, laughing, and + dancing, and munching her bun; and as she ate it she began to sing, ‘Oh, + what fun to have a plum bun! how I wis it never was done!’ At which, and + her funny accent, Angelica, Giglio, and the King and Queen began to laugh + very merrily. + </p> + <p> + ‘I can dance as well as sing,’ says the little girl. ‘I can dance, and I + can sing, and I can do all sorts of ting.’ And she ran to a flower-bed, + and pulling a few polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and other flowers, made + herself a little wreath, and danced before the King and Queen so drolly + and prettily, that everybody was delighted. + </p> + <p> + ‘Who was your mother—who were your relations, little girl?’ said the + Queen. + </p> + <p> + The little girl said, ‘Little lion was my brudder; great big lioness my + mudder; neber heard of any udder.’ And she capered away on her one shoe, + and everybody was exceedingly diverted. + </p> + <p> + So Angelica said to the Queen, ‘Mamma, my parrot flew away yesterday out + of its cage, and I don’t care any more for any of my toys; and I think + this funny little dirty child will amuse me. I will take her home, and + give her some of my old frocks.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, the generous darling!’ says Mrs. Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of,’ Angelica + went on; ‘and she shall be my little maid. Will you come home with me, + little dirty girl?’ + </p> + <p> + The child clapped her hands, and said, ‘Go home with you—yes! You + pooty Princess!—Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress!’ + </p> + <p> + And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the palace, where, + when she was washed and combed, and had one of the Princess’s frocks given + to her, she looked as handsome as Angelica, almost. Not that Angelica ever + thought so; for this little lady never imagined that anybody in the world + could be as pretty, as good, or as clever as herself. In order that the + little girl should not become too proud and conceited, Mrs. Gruffanuff + took her old ragged mantle and one shoe, and put them into a glass box, + with a card laid upon them, upon which was written, ‘These were the old + clothes in which little BETSINDA was found when the great goodness and + admirable kindness of Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica received + this little outcast.’ And the date was added, and the box locked up. + </p> + <p> + For a while little Betsinda was a great favourite with the Princess, and + she danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, to amuse her mistress. + But then the Princess got a monkey, and afterwards a little dog, and + afterwards a doll, and did not care for Betsinda any more, who became very + melancholy and quiet, and sang no more funny songs, because nobody cared + to hear her. And then, as she grew older, she was made a little + lady’s-maid to the Princess; and though she had no wages, she worked and + mended, and put Angelica’s hair in papers, and was never cross when + scolded, and was always eager to please her mistress, and was always up + early and to bed late, and at hand when wanted, and in fact became a + perfect little maid. So the two girls grew up, and, when the Princess came + out, Betsinda was never tired of waiting on her; and made her dresses + better than the best milliner, and was useful in a hundred ways. Whilst + the Princess was having her masters, Betsinda would sit and watch them; + and in this way she picked up a great deal of learn ing; for she was + always awake, though her mistress was not, and listened to the wise + professors when Angelica was yawning or thinking of the next ball. And + when the dancing-master came, Betsinda learned along with Angelica; and + when the music-master came, she watched him, and practiced the Princess’s + pieces when Angelica was away at balls and parties; and when the + drawing-master came, she took note of all he said and did; and the same + with French, Italian, and all other languages—she learned them from + the teacher who came to Angelica. When the Princess was going out of an + evening she would say, ‘My good Betsinda, you may as well finish what I + have begun.’ ‘Yes, miss,’ Betsinda would say, and sit down very cheerful, + not to FINISH what Angelica began, but to DO it. + </p> + <p> + For instance, the Princess would begin a head of a warrior, let us say, + and when it was begun it was something like this— + </p> + <p> + But when it was done, the warrior was like this— + </p> + <p> + (only handsomer still if possible), and the Princess put her name to the + drawing; and the Court and King and Queen, and above all poor Giglio, + admired the picture of all things, and said, ‘Was there ever a genius like + Angelica?’ So, I am sorry to say, was it with the Princess’s embroidery + and other accomplishments; and Angelica actually believed that she did + these things herself, and received all the flattery of the Court as if + every word of it was true. Thus she began to think that there was no young + woman in all the world equal to herself, and that no young man was good + enough for her. As for Betsinda, as she heard none of these praises, she + was not puffed up by them, and being a most grateful, good-natured girl, + she was only too anxious to do everything which might give her mistress + pleasure. Now you begin to perceive that Angelica had faults of her own, + and was by no means such a wonder of wonders as people represented Her + Royal Highness to be. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF + </h2> + <p> + And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the reigning + monarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in page seven, that as + long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good horse to ride, and money in + his pocket, or rather to take out of his pocket, for he was very + good-natured, my young Prince did not care for the loss of his crown and + sceptre, being a thoughtless youth, not much inclined to politics or any + kind of learning. So his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio would not learn + classics or mathematics, and the Lord Chancellor of Paflagonia, + SQUARETOSO, pulled a very long face because the Prince could not be got to + study the Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other hand, the + King’s gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt pupil; the + dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant and assiduous + scholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave the most flattering + reports of the Prince’s skill; so did the Groom of the Tennis Court; and + as for the Captain of the Guard and Fencing Master, the VALIANT and + VETERAN Count KUTASOFF HEDZOFF, he avowed that since he ran the General of + Crim Tartary, the dreadful Grumbuskin, through the body, he never had + encountered so expert a swordsman as Prince Giglio. + </p> + <p> + I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the Prince and + Princess walking together in the palace garden, and because Giglio kissed + Angelica’s hand in a polite manner. In the first place they are cousins; + next, the Queen is walking in the garden too (you cannot see her, for she + happens to be behind that tree), and Her Majesty always wished that + Angelica and Giglio should marry: so did Giglio: so did Angelica + sometimes, for she thought her cousin very handsome, brave, and + good-natured: but then you know she was so clever and knew so many things, + and poor Giglio knew nothing, and had no conversation. When they looked at + the stars, what did Giglio know of the heavenly bodies? Once, when on a + sweet night in a balcony where they were standing, Angelica said, ‘There + is the Bear.’ ‘Where?’ says Giglio. ‘Don’t be afraid, Angelica! if a dozen + bears come, I will kill them rather than they shall hurt you.’ ‘Oh, you + silly creature!’ says she; ‘you are very good, but you are not very wise.’ + When they looked at the flowers, Giglio was utterly unacquainted with + botany, and had never heard of Linnaeus. When the butterflies passed, + Giglio knew nothing about them, being as ignorant of entomology as I am of + algebra. So you see, Angelica, though she liked Giglio pretty well, + despised him on account of his ignorance. I think she probably valued HER + OWN LEARNING rather too much; but to think too well of one’s self is the + fault of people of all ages and both sexes. Finally, when nobody else was + there, Angelica liked her cousin well enough. + </p> + <p> + King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and withal so fond of good + dinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook Marmitonio), that + it was supposed he could not live long. Now the idea of anything happening + to the King struck the artful Prime Minister and the designing old + lady-in-waiting with terror. For, thought Glumboso and the Countess, ‘when + Prince Giglio marries his cousin and comes to the throne, what a pretty + position we shall be in, whom he dislikes, and who have always been unkind + to him. We shall lose our places in a trice; Mrs. Gruffanuff will have to + give up all the jewels, laces, snuff-boxes, rings, and watches which + belonged to the Queen, Giglio’s mother; and Glumboso will be forced to + refund two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine hundred and + eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, thirteen + shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, money left to Prince Giglio by his poor + dear father.’ + </p> + <p> + So the Lady of Honour and the Prime Minister hated Giglio because they had + done him a wrong; and these unprincipled people invented a hundred cruel + stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence the King, Queen, and + Princess against him; how he was so ignorant that he could not spell the + commonest words, and actually wrote Valoroso Valloroso, and spelt Angelica + with two l’s; how he drank a great deal too much wine at dinner, and was + always idling in the stables with the grooms; how he owed ever so much + money at the pastry-cook’s and the haberdasher’s; how he used to go to + sleep at church; how he was fond of playing cards with the pages. So did + the Queen like playing cards; so did the King go to sleep at church, and + eat and drink too much; and, if Giglio owed a trifle for tarts, who owed + him two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine hundred and + eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, thirteen + shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I should like to know? Detractors and + tale-bearers (in my humble opinion) had much better look at HOME. All this + backbiting and slandering had effect upon Princess Angelica, who began to + look coldly on her cousin, then to laugh at him and scorn him for being so + stupid, then to sneer at him for having vulgar associates; and at Court + balls, dinners, and so forth, to treat him so unkindly that poor Giglio + became quite ill, took to his bed, and sent for the doctor. + </p> + <p> + His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons for + disliking his nephew; and as for those innocent readers who ask why?—I + beg (with the permission of their dear parents) to refer them to + Shakespeare’s pages, where they will read why King John disliked Prince + Arthur. With the Queen, his royal but weak-minded aunt, when Giglio was + out of sight he was out of mind. While she had her whist and her evening + parties, she cared for little else. + </p> + <p> + I dare say TWO VILLAINS, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor Pildrafto, + the Court Physician, had killed Giglio right out, but he only bled and + physicked him so severely that the Prince was kept to his room for several + months, and grew as thin as a post. + </p> + <p> + Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came to the Court of + Paflagonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and who was + Painter in Ordinary to the King of Crim Tartary, Paflagonia’s neighbour. + Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the Court, who were delighted with his works; + for even Countess Gruffanuff looked young and Glumboso good-humoured in + his pictures. ‘He flatters very much,’ some people said. ‘Nay!’ says + Princess Angelica, ‘I am above flattery, and I think he did not make my + picture handsome enough. I can’t bear to hear a man of genius unjustly + cried down, and I hope my dear papa will make Lorenzo a knight of his + Order of the Cucumber.’ + </p> + <p> + The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed Her Royal Highness + could draw so BEAUTIFULLY that the idea of her taking lessons was absurd, + yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and it was wonderful, AS LONG AS + SHE PAINTED IN HIS STUDIO, what beautiful pictures she made! Some of the + performances were engraved for the Book of Beauty: others were sold for + enormous sums at Charity Bazaars. She wrote the SIGNATURES under the + drawings, no doubt, but I think I know who-did the pictures—this + artful painter, who had come with other designs on Angelica than merely to + teach her to draw. + </p> + <p> + One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait of a young man in armour, + with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an expression at once + melancholy and interesting. + </p> + <p> + ‘Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?’ asked the Princess. + </p> + <p> + ‘I never saw anyone so handsome,’ says Countess Gruffanuff (the old + humbug). + </p> + <p> + ‘That,’ said the painter, ‘that, Madam, is the portrait of my august young + master, his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, Duke of + Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, and Knight Grand Cross of the + Order of the Pumpkin. That is the order of the Pumpkin glittering on his + manly breast, and received by His Royal Highness from his august father, + His Majesty King PADELLA I., for his gallantry at the battle of + Rimbombamento, when he slew with his own princely hand the King of Ograria + and two hundred and eleven giants of the two hundred and eighteen who + formed the King’s bodyguard. The remainder were destroyed by the brave + Crim Tartar army after an obstinate combat, in which the Crim Tartars + suffered severely.’ + </p> + <p> + What a Prince! thought Angelica: so brave—so calm-looking—so + young—what a hero! + </p> + <p> + ‘He is as accomplished as he is brave,’ continued the Court Painter. ‘He + knows all languages perfectly: sings deliciously: plays every instrument: + composes operas which have been acted a thousand nights running at the + Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, and danced in a ballet there before the + King and Queen; in which he looked so beautiful, that his cousin, the + lovely daughter of the King of Circassia, died for love of him.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why did he not marry the poor Princess?’ asked Angelica, with a sigh. + </p> + <p> + ‘Because they were FIRST COUSINS, Madam, and the clergy forbid these + unions,’ said the Painter. ‘And, besides, the young Prince had given his + royal heart ELSEWHERE.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And to whom?’ asked Her Royal Highness. + </p> + <p> + ‘I am not at liberty to mention the Princess’s name,’ answered the + Painter. + </p> + <p> + ‘But you may tell me the first letter of it,’ gasped out the Princess. + </p> + <p> + ‘That Your Royal Highness is at liberty to guess,’ said Lorenzo. + </p> + <p> + ‘Does it begin with a Z?’ asked Angelica. + </p> + <p> + The Painter said it wasn’t a Z; then she tried a Y; then an X; then a W, + and went so backwards through almost the whole alphabet. + </p> + <p> + When she came to D, and it wasn’t D, she grew very excited; when she came + to C, and it wasn’t C, she was still more nervous; when she came to B, AND + IT WASN’T B, ‘O dearest Gruffanuff,’ she said, ‘lend me your + smelling-bottle!’ and, hiding her head in the Countess’s shoulder, she + faintly whispered, ‘Ah, Signor, can it be A?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal Master’s orders, tell Your + Royal Highness the Princess’s name, whom he fondly, madly, devotedly, + rapturously loves, I may show you her portrait,’ says this slyboots: and + leading the Princess up to a gilt frame, he drew a curtain which was + before it. + </p> + <p> + O goodness! the frame contained A LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw her own + face! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL + </h2> + <p> + The Court Painter of His Majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned to that + monarch’s dominions, carrying away a number of sketches which he had made + in the Paflagonian capital (you know, of course, my dears, that the name + of that capital is Blombodinga); but the most charming of all his pieces + was a portrait of the Princess Angelica, which all the Crim Tartar nobles + came to see. With this work the King was so delighted, that he decorated + the Painter with his Order of the Pumpkin (sixth class) and the artist + became Sir Tomaso Lorenzo, K.P., thenceforth. + </p> + <p> + King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, besides a + handsome order for money, for he painted the King, Queen, and principal + nobility while at Blombodinga, and became all the fashion, to the perfect + rage of all the artists in Paflagonia, where the King used to point to the + portrait of Prince Bulbo, which Sir Tomaso had left behind him, and say + ‘Which among you can paint a picture like that?’ + </p> + <p> + It hung in the royal parlour over the royal sideboard, and Princess + Angelica could always look at it as she sat making the tea. Each day it + seemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the Princess grew so fond of + looking at it, that she would often spill the tea over the cloth, at which + her father and mother would wink and wag their heads, and say to each + other, ‘Aha! we see how things are going.’ + </p> + <p> + In the meantime poor Giglio lay upstairs very sick in his chamber, though + he took all the doctor’s horrible medicines like a good young lad; as I + hope YOU do, my dears, when you are ill and mamma sends for the medical + man. And the only person who visited Giglio (besides his friend the + captain of the guard, who was almost always busy or on parade), was little + Betsinda the housemaid, who used to do his bedroom and sitting-room out, + bring him his gruel, and warm his bed. + </p> + <p> + When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and evening, Prince + Giglio used to say, ‘Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the Princess Angelica?’ + </p> + <p> + And Betsinda used to answer, ‘The Princess is very well, thank you, my + Lord.’ And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, if Angelica were sick, I + am sure <i>I</i> should not be very well. + </p> + <p> + Then Giglio would say, ‘Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked for me + today?’ And Betsinda would answer, ‘No, my Lord, not today’; or, ‘she was + very busy practicing the piano when I saw her’; or, ‘she was writing + invitations for an evening party, and did not speak to me’; or make some + excuse or other, not strictly consonant with truth: for Betsinda was such + a good-natured creature that she strove to do everything to prevent + annoyance to Prince Giglio, and even brought him up roast chicken and + jellies from the kitchen (when the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio was + getting better), saying, ‘that the Princess had made the jelly, or the + bread-sauce, with her own hands, on purpose for Giglio.’ + </p> + <p> + When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to mend immediately; and + gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last bone of the chicken—drumsticks, + merry-thought, sides’-bones, back, pope’s nose, and all—thanking his + dear Angelica; and he felt so much better the next day, that he dressed + and went downstairs, where, whom should he meet but Angelica going into + the drawing-room? All the covers were off the chairs, the chandeliers + taken out of the bags, the damask curtains uncovered, the work and things + carried away, and the handsomest albums on the tables. Angelica had her + hair in papers: in a word, it was evident there was going to be a party. + </p> + <p> + ‘Heavens, Giglio!’ cries Angelica: ‘YOU here in such a dress! What a + figure you are!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, dear Angelica, I am come downstairs, and feel so well today, thanks + to the FOWL and the JELLY.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them in that + rude way?’ says Angelica. + </p> + <p> + ‘Why, didn’t—didn’t you send them, Angelica dear?’ says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + ‘I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio dear,’ says she, mocking + him, ‘<i>I</i> was engaged in getting the rooms ready for His Royal + Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay my papa’s Court + a visit.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The—Prince—of—Crim—Tartary!’ Giglio said, aghast. + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary,’ says Angelica, mocking him. ‘I dare say + you never heard of such a country. What DID you ever hear of? You don’t + know whether Crim Tartary is on the Red Sea or on the Black Sea, I dare + say.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, I do, it’s on the Red Sea,’ says Giglio, at which the Princess burst + out laughing at him, and said, ‘Oh, you ninny! You are so ignorant, you + are really not fit for society! You know nothing but about horses and + dogs, and are only fit to dine in a mess-room with my Royal father’s + heaviest dragoons. Don’t look so surprised at me, sir: go and put your + best clothes on to receive the Prince, and let me get the drawing-room + ready.’ + </p> + <p> + Giglio said, ‘Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn’t think this of you. THIS + wasn’t your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I gave you mine + in the garden, and you gave me that k—’ + </p> + <p> + But what k was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, cried, ‘Get + out, you saucy, rude creature! How dare you to remind me of your rudeness? + As for your little trumpery twopenny ring, there, sir, there!’ And she + flung it out of the window. + </p> + <p> + ‘It was my mother’s marriage-ring,’ cried Giglio. + </p> + <p> + ‘<i>I</i> don’t care whose marriage-ring it was,’ cries Angelica. ‘Marry + the person who picks it up if she’s a woman; you shan’t marry ME. And give + me back MY ring. I’ve no patience with people who boast about the things + they give away! <i>I</i> know who’ll give me much finer things than you + ever gave me. A beggarly ring indeed, not worth five shillings!’ + </p> + <p> + Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her was a + fairy ring: if a man wore it, it made all the women in love with him; if a + woman, all the gentlemen. The Queen, Giglio’s mother, quite an + ordinary-looking person, was admired immensely whilst she wore this ring, + and her husband was frantic when she was ill. But when she called her + little Giglio to her, and put the ring on his finger, King Savio did not + seem to care for his wife so much any more, but transferred all his love + to little Giglio. So did everybody love him as long as he had the ring; + but when, as quite a child, he gave it to Angelica, people began to love + and admire HER; and Giglio, as the saying is, played only second fiddle. + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes,’ says Angelica, going on in her foolish ungrateful way. ‘<i>I</i> + know who’ll give me much finer things than your beggarly little pearl + nonsense.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Very good, miss! You may take back your ring too!’ says Giglio, his eyes + flashing fire at her, and then, as his eyes had been suddenly opened, he + cried out, ‘Ha! what does this mean? Is THIS the woman I have been in love + with all my life? Have I been such a ninny as to throw away my regard upon + you? Why—actually—yes—you are a little crooked!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, you wretch!’ cries Angelica. + </p> + <p> + ‘And, upon my conscience, you—you squint a little.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Eh!’ cries Angelica. + </p> + <p> + ‘And your hair is red—and you are marked with the smallpox—and + what? you have three false teeth—and one leg shorter than the + other!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You brute, you brute, you!’ Angelica screamed out: and as she seized the + ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three smacks on the face, + and would have pulled the hair off his head had he not started laughing, + and crying— + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh dear me, Angelica, don’t pull out MY hair, it hurts! You might remove + a great deal of YOUR OWN, as I perceive, without scissors or pulling at + all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! ho he he!’ + </p> + <p> + And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage; when, with + a low bow, and dressed in his Court habit, Count Gambabella, the first + lord-in-waiting, entered and said, ‘Royal Highnesses! Their Majesties + expect you in the Pink Throne-room, where they await the arrival of the + Prince of CRIM TARTARY.’ + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO CAME TO + COURT + </h2> + <p> + Prince Bulbo’s arrival had set all the court in a flutter: everybody was + ordered to put his or her best clothes on: the footmen had their gala + liveries; the Lord Chancellor his new wig; the Guards their last new + tunics; and Countess Gruffanuff, you may be sure, was glad of an + opportunity of decorating HER old person with her finest things. She was + walking through the court of the Palace on her way to wait upon Their + Majesties, when she espied something glittering on the pavement, and bade + the boy in buttons who was holding up her train, to go and pick up the + article shining yonder. He was an ugly little wretch, in some of the late + groom-porter’s old clothes cut down, and much too tight for him; and yet, + when he had taken up the ring (as it turned out to be), and was carrying + it to his mistress, she thought he looked like a little cupid. He gave the + ring to her; it was a trumpery little thing enough, but too small for any + of her old knuckles, so she put it into her pocket. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, mum!’ says the boy, looking at her ‘how—how beyoutiful you do + look, mum, today, mum!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And you, too, Jacky,’ she was going to say; but, looking down at him—no, + he was no longer good-looking at all—but only the carroty-haired + little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is welcome from the ugliest + of men or boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding the boy hold up her train, walked + on in high good-humour. The guards saluted her with peculiar respect. + Captain Hedzoff, in the anteroom, said, ‘My dear madam, you look like an + angel today.’ And so, bowing and smirking, Gruffanuff went in and took her + place behind her Royal Master and Mistress, who were in the throne-room, + awaiting the Prince of Crim Tartary. Princess Angelica sat at their feet, + and behind the King’s chair stood Prince Giglio, looking very savage. + </p> + <p> + The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron + Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying the most + beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his travelling costume, + and his hair, as you see, was a little in disorder. ‘I have ridden three + hundred miles since breakfast,’ said he, ‘so eager was I to behold the + Prin—the Court and august family of Paflagonia, and I could not wait + one minute before appearing in Your Majesties’ presences.’ + </p> + <p> + Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of contemptuous + laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so flurried, that they + did not hear this little outbreak. ‘Your R. H. is welcome in any dress,’ + says the King. ‘Glumboso, a chair for His Royal Highness.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court dress,’ says Princess + Angelica, smiling graciously. + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah! but you should see my other clothes,’ said the Prince. ‘I should have + had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought them. Who’s that + laughing?’ + </p> + <p> + It was Giglio laughing. ‘I was laughing,’ he said, ‘because you said just + now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess, that you could not + wait to change your dress; and now you say you come in those clothes + because you have no others.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And who are you?’ says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely. + </p> + <p> + ‘My father was King of this country, and I am his only son, Prince!’ + replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness. + </p> + <p> + ‘Ha!’ said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the former, + collecting himself, said, ‘Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to introduce to + Your Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal Highness Prince Giglio! Know + each other! Embrace each other! Giglio, give His Royal Highness your + hand!’ and Giglio, giving his hand, squeezed poor Bulbo’s until the tears + ran out of his eyes. Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royal visitor, + and placed it on the platform on which the King, Queen, and Prince were + seated; but the chair was on the edge of the platform, and as Bulbo sat + down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over and over, and + bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder at this disaster, but it + was with laughter; so did all the Court when Prince Bulbo got up; for + though when he entered the room he appeared not very ridiculous, as he + stood up from his fall for a moment he looked so exceedingly plain and + foolish, that nobody could help laughing at him. When he had entered the + room, he was observed to carry a rose in his hand, which fell out of it as + he tumbled. + </p> + <p> + ‘My rose! my rose!’ cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed forwards and + picked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it in his waistcoat. Then + people wondered why they had laughed; there was nothing particularly + ridiculous in him. He was rather short, rather stout, rather red-haired, + but, in fine, for a Prince, not so bad. + </p> + <p> + So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the Crim Tartar + officers with those of Paflagonia—Giglio very comfortable with + Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such tender eyes, that + her heart was all in a flutter. ‘Oh, dear Prince,’ she said, ‘how could + you speak so haughtily in presence of Their Majesties? I protest I thought + I should have fainted.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I should have caught you in my arms,’ said Giglio, looking raptures. + </p> + <p> + ‘Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?’ says Gruff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Because I hate him,’ says Gil. + </p> + <p> + ‘You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica,’ cries Gruffanuff, + putting her handkerchief to her eyes. + </p> + <p> + ‘I did, but I love her no more!’ Giglio cried. ‘I despise her! Were she + heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her and scorn her. But + why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I am too weak to recover it—I + am alone, and have no friend.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, say not so, dear Prince!’ says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Besides,’ says he, ‘I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE that I would not + change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What are you two people chattering about there?’ says the Queen, who was + rather good-natured, though not overburthened with wisdom. ‘It is time to + dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his room. Prince, if your + clothes have not come, we shall be very happy to see you as you are.’ But + when Prince Bulbo got to his bedroom, his luggage was there and unpacked; + and the hairdresser coming in, cut and curled him entirely to his own + satisfaction; and when the dinner-bell rang, the Royal company had not to + wait above five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo appeared, during which time + the King, who could not bear to wait, grew as sulky as possible. As for + Giglio, he never left Madam Gruffanuff all this time, but stood with her + in the embrasure of a window, paying her compliments. At length the Groom + of the Chambers announced His Royal Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary! + and the noble company went into the royal dining-room. It was quite a + small party; only the King and Queen, the Princess, whom Bulbo took out, + the two Princes, Countess Gruffanuff, Glumboso the Prime Minister, and + Prince Bulbo’s chamberlain. You may be sure they had a very good dinner—let + every boy or girl think of what he or she likes best, and fancy it on the + table.* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + *Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children + saying what they like best for dinner. +</pre> + <p> + The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of Crimea, + who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes off his plate, + except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent a quantity of stuffing + and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio only burst out a-laughing as the + Crimean Prince wiped his shirt-front and face with his scented + pocket-handkerchief. He did not make Prince Bulbo any apology. When the + Prince looked at him, Giglio would not look that way. When Prince Bulbo + said, ‘Prince Giglio, may I have the honour of taking a glass of wine with + you?’ Giglio WOULDN’T answer. All his talk and his eyes were for Countess + Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased with Giglio’s attentions—the + vain old creature! When he was not complimenting her, he was making fun of + Prince Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was always tapping him with her fan, + and saying—‘Oh, you satirical Prince! Oh, fie, the Prince will + hear!’ ‘Well, I don’t mind,’ says Giglio, louder still. The King and Queen + luckily did not hear; for Her Majesty was a little deaf, and the King + thought so much about his own dinner, and, besides, made such a dreadful + noise, hobgobbling in eating it, that he heard nothing else. After dinner, + His Majesty and the Queen went to sleep in their arm-chairs. + </p> + <p> + This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, plying + that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira, champagne, marsala, + cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which Master Bulbo drank without + stint. But in plying his guest, Giglio was obliged to drink himself, and, + I am sorry to say, took more than was good for him, so that the young men + were very noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladies after + dinner; and dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, my darlings, + you shall hear! + </p> + <p> + Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and singing, + and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when the footman brought + it, and he laughed out of place, and talked absurdly, and fell asleep and + snored horridly. Booh, the nasty pig! But as he lay there stretched on the + pink satin sofa, Angelica still persisted in thinking him the most + beautiful of human beings. No doubt the magic rose which Bulbo wore caused + this infatuation on Angelica’s part; but is she the first young woman who + has thought a silly fellow charming? + </p> + <p> + Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too, every moment + began to find more lovely. He paid the most outrageous compliments to her:—There + never was such a darling—Older than he was?—Fiddle-de-dee! He + would marry her—he would have nothing but her! + </p> + <p> + To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful hussy + actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, ‘This is to give notice + that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby promise to + marry the charming and virtuous Barbara Griselda, Countess Gruffanuff, and + widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?’ says Giglio, who was + lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table. + </p> + <p> + ‘Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and blankets + to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and Queen are both asleep, + and your Royal Highness’s order will do.’ + </p> + <p> + So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed the + order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you may fancy what + airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce out of the room before the + Queen herself, as now she was the wife of the RIGHTFUL King of Paflagonia! + She would not speak to Glumboso, whom she thought a brute, for depriving + her DEAR HUSBAND of the crown! And when candles came, and she had helped + to undress the Queen and Princess, she went into her own room, and + actually practiced on a sheet of paper, ‘Griselda Paflagonia,’ ‘Barbara + Regina,’ ‘Griselda Barbara, Paf. Reg.,’ and I don’t know what signatures + besides, against the day when she should be Queen, forsooth! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN + </h2> + <p> + Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff’s hair in papers; and the + Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented Betsinda. + ‘Betsinda!’ she said, ‘you dressed my hair very nicely today; I promised + you a little present. Here are five sh—no, here is a pretty little + ring, that I picked—that I have had some time.’ And she gave + Betsinda the ring she had picked up in the court. It fitted Betsinda + exactly. + </p> + <p> + ‘It’s like the ring the Princess used to wear,’ says the maid. + </p> + <p> + ‘No such thing,’ says Gruffanuff, ‘I have had it this ever so long. There, + tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it’s a very cold night (the snow + was beating in at the window), you may go and warm dear Prince Giglio’s + bed, like a good girl, and then you may unrip my green silk, and then you + can just do me up a little cap for the morning, and then you can mend that + hole in my silk stocking, and then you can go to bed, Betsinda. Mind I + shall want my cup of tea at five o’clock in the morning.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen’s beds, Ma’am,’ says + Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + Gruffanuff, for reply, said, ‘Hau-au-ho!—Grauhawhoo!—Hong-hrho!’ + In fact, she was snoring sound asleep. + </p> + <p> + Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the Princess is + next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the coals to the kitchen, + and filled the royal warming-pan. + </p> + <p> + Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there must have + been something very captivating about her this evening, for all the women + in the servants’ hall began to scold and abuse her. The housekeeper said + she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the upper-housemaid asked, how dare she + wear such ringlets and ribbons, it was quite improper! The cook (for there + was a woman-cook as well as a man-cook) said to the kitchen-maid that she + never could see anything in that creetur: but as for the men, every one of + them, Coachman, John, Buttons, the page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Crim + Tartary’s valet, started up, and said— <br /> <br /> ‘My eyes!’ }<br /> + ‘O mussey!’ } ‘What a pretty girl Betsinda is!’<br /> ‘O jemmany!’ }<br /> + ‘O ciel!’ } + </p> + <p> + ‘Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!’ says + Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the young gentlemen + playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first to Prince Giglio’s bed, + which she warmed, and then to Prince Bulbo’s room. + </p> + <p> + He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, ‘O! O! O! O! + O! O! what a beyou—oo—ootiful creature you are! You angel—you + peri—you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul—thy Bulbo, too! Fly to + the desert, fly with me! I never saw a young gazelle to glad me with its + dark blue eye that had eyes like shine. Thou nymph of beauty, take, take + this young heart. A truer never did itself sustain within a soldier’s + waistcoat. Be mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal father + will approve our union; and, as for that little carroty-haired Angelica, I + do not care a fig for her any more.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please,’ said Betsinda, with + the warming-pan. + </p> + <p> + But Bulbo said, ‘No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou lovely, + blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the Royal Bulbo lies, the + trembling captive of Betsinda’s eyes.’ + </p> + <p> + And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that Betsinda, + who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the warming-pan, which, I + promise you, made him cry ‘O-o-o-o!’ in a very different manner. + </p> + <p> + Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him from the + next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon as he saw what was + taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on Bulbo, kicked him in the rudest + manner up to the ceiling, and went on kicking him till his hair was quite + out of curl. + </p> + <p> + Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the kicking + certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so droll! When Giglio + had done knocking him up and down to the ground, and whilst he went into a + corner rubbing himself, what do you think Giglio does? He goes down on his + own knees to Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart, and + offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda’s condition, who had been + in love with the Prince ever since she first saw him in the palace garden, + when she was quite a little child. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, divine Betsinda!’ says the Prince, ‘how have I lived fifteen years in + thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman in all Europe, + Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only it is not yet + discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? Pish! Gruffanuff? Phoo! + The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my Queen. Thou art the real Angelica, because + thou art really angelic.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid,’ says Betsinda, looking, + however, very much pleased. + </p> + <p> + ‘Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?’ continues + Giglio. ‘Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and bring me jelly and + roast chicken?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, dear Prince, I did,’ says Betsinda, ‘and I sewed Your Royal + Highness’s shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal Highness,’ + cries this artless maiden. + </p> + <p> + When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda, heard + this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances which she flung + upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and tore quantities of hair out + of his head, till it all covered the room like so much tow. + </p> + <p> + Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes were + going on with their conversation, and as they began now to quarrel and be + very fierce with one another, she thought proper to run away. + </p> + <p> + ‘You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner there; of + course you will give me satisfaction for insulting Betsinda. YOU dare to + kneel down at Princess Giglio’s knees and kiss her hand!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘She’s not Princess Giglio!’ roars out Bulbo. ‘She shall be Princess + Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You are engaged to my cousin!’ bellows out Giglio. ‘I hate your cousin,’ + says Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + ‘You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!’ cries Giglio in a + fury. + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll have your life.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll run you through.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll cut your throat.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll blow your brains out.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll knock your head off.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll send a friend to you in the morning.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll send a bullet into you in the afternoon.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘We’ll meet again,’ says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo’s face; and + seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, forsooth, Betsinda had + carried it, and rushed downstairs. What should he see on the landing but + His Majesty talking to Betsinda, whom he called by all sorts of fond + names. His Majesty had heard a row in the building, so he stated, and + smelling something burning, had come out to see what the matter was. + </p> + <p> + ‘It’s the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir,’ says Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + ‘Charming chambermaid,’ says the King (like all the rest of them), ‘never + mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged autocrat, who has been + considered not ill-looking in his time.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, sir! what will Her Majesty say?’ cries Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + ‘Her Majesty!’ laughs the monarch. ‘Her Majesty be hanged. Am I not + Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, hangmen—ha? + Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not sacks to sew up wives + withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt be mine own,—your mistress + straightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the sharer of my heart and + throne.’ + </p> + <p> + When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the respect + usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and knocked down the + King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master Giglio took to his heels + and ran away, and Betsinda went off screaming, and the Queen, Gruffanuff, + and the Princess, all came out of their rooms. Fancy their feelings on + beholding their husband, father, sovereign, in this posture! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION + </h2> + <p> + As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself and stood + up. ‘Ho! my captain of the guards!’ His Majesty exclaimed, stamping his + royal feet with rage. O piteous spectacle! the King’s nose was bent quite + crooked by the blow of Prince Giglio! His Majesty ground his teeth with + rage. ‘Hedzoff,’ he said, taking a death-warrant out of his dressing-gown + pocket, ‘Hedzoff, good Hedzoff, seize upon the Prince. Thou’lt find him in + his chamber two pair up. But now he dared, with sacrilegious hand, to + strike the sacred night-cap of a king—Hedzoff, and floor me with a + warming-pan! Away, no more demur, the villain dies! See it be done, or + else,—h’m—ha!—h’m! mind shine own eyes!’ and followed by + the ladies, and lifting up the tails of his dressing-gown, the King + entered his own apartment. + </p> + <p> + Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a sincere love for Giglio. + ‘Poor, poor Giglio!’ he said, the tears rolling over his manly face, and + dripping down his moustachios; ‘my noble young Prince, is it my hand must + lead thee to death?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff,’ said a female voice. It was + Gruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard the + noise. ‘The King said you were to hang the Prince. Well, hang the Prince.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I don’t understand you,’ says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever man. + </p> + <p> + ‘You Gaby! he didn’t say WHICH Prince,’ says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + ‘No; he didn’t say which, certainly,’ said Hedzoff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Well then, take Bulbo, and hang HIM!’ + </p> + <p> + When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to dance about for joy. + ‘Obedience is a soldier’s honour,’ says he. ‘Prince Bulbo’s head will do + capitally,’ and he went to arrest the Prince the very first thing next + morning. + </p> + <p> + He knocked at the door. ‘Who’s there?’ says Bulbo. ‘Captain Hedzoff? Step + in, pray, my good Captain; I’m delighted to see you; I have been expecting + you.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Have you?’ says Hedzoff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me,’ says the Prince. + </p> + <p> + ‘I beg Your Royal Highness’s pardon, but you will have to act for + yourself, and it’s a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz.’ + </p> + <p> + The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. ‘Of course, + Captain,’ says he, ‘you are come about that affair with Prince Giglio?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Precisely,’ says Hedzoff, ‘that affair of Prince Giglio.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?’ asks Bulbo. ‘I’m a pretty good + hand with both, and I’ll do for Prince Giglio as sure as my name is My + Royal Highness Prince Bulbo.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘There’s some mistake, my Lord,’ says the Captain. ‘The business is done + with AXES among us.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Axes? That’s sharp work,’ says Bulbo. ‘Call my Chamberlain, he’ll be my + second, and in ten minutes, I flatter myself, you’ll see Master Giglio’s + head off his impertinent shoulders. I’m hungry for his blood Hoooo, aw!’ + and he looked as savage as an ogre. + </p> + <p> + ‘I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you prisoner, + and hand you over to—to the executioner.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Pooh, pooh, my good man!—Stop, I say,—ho!—hulloa!’ was + all that this luckless Prince was enabled to say, for Hedzoff’s guards + seizing him, tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, and carried him + to the place of execution. + </p> + <p> + The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, and took a + pinch of snuff and said, ‘So much for Giglio. Now let’s go to breakfast.’ + </p> + <p> + The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner to the Sheriff, with the + fatal order, + </p> + <p> + ‘AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE BEARER’S HEAD. ‘VALOROSO XXIV.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It’s a mistake,’ says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand the business + in the least. + </p> + <p> + ‘Poo—poo—pooh,’ says the Sheriff. ‘Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. + Jack Ketch!’ + </p> + <p> + And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with a block + and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should be wanted. + </p> + <p> + But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA + </h2> + <p> + Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the King, and knew that + Giglio must come to grief, got up very early the next morning, and went to + devise some plans for rescuing her darling husband, as the silly old thing + insisted on calling him. She found him walking up and down the garden, + thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda (TINDER and WINDA were all he could + find), and indeed having forgotten all about the past evening, except that + Betsinda was the most lovely of beings. + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, dear Giglio,’ says Gruff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, dear Gruffy,’ says Giglio, only HE was quite satirical. + </p> + <p> + ‘I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. You must + fly the country for a while.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What scrape?—fly the country? Never without her I love, Countess,’ + says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + ‘No, she will accompany you, dear Prince,’ she says, in her most coaxing + accents. ‘First, we must get the jewels belonging to our royal parents. + and those of her and his present Majesty. Here is the key, duck; they are + all yours, you know, by right, for you are the rightful King of + Paflagonia, and your wife will be the rightful Queen.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Will she?’ says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso’s apartment, where, under + his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the amount of + L2I7,000,000,987,439, 13S. 6 1/2d., all belonging to you, for he took it + out of your royal father’s room on the day of his death. With this we will + fly.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘WE will fly?’ says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, you and your bride—your affianced love—your Gruffy!’ + says the Countess, with a languishing leer. + </p> + <p> + ‘YOU my bride!’ says Giglio. ‘You, you hideous old woman!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, you—you wretch! didn’t you give me this paper promising + marriage?’ cries Gruff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and Betsinda only!’ And in a + fit of terror he ran from her as quickly as he could. + </p> + <p> + ‘He! he! he!’ shrieks out Gruff; ‘a promise is a promise if there are laws + in Paflagonia! And as for that monster, that wretch, that fiend, that ugly + little vixen—as for that upstart, that ingrate, that beast, + Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little difficulty in discovering her + whereabouts. He may look very long before finding HER, I warrant. He + little knows that Miss Betsinda is—’ + </p> + <p> + Is—what? Now, you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five in + winter’s morning to bring her cruel mistress her tea; and instead of + finding her in a good humour, found Gruffy as cross as two sticks. The + Countess boxed Betsinda’s ears half a dozen times whilst she was dressing; + but as poor little Betsinda was used to this kind of treatment, she did + not feel any special alarm. ‘And now,’ says she, ‘when Her Majesty rings + her bell twice, I’ll trouble you, miss, to attend.’ + </p> + <p> + So when the Queen’s bell rang twice, Betsinda came to Her Majesty and made + a pretty little curtsey. The Queen, the Princess, and Gruffanuff were all + three in the room. As soon as they saw her they began, + </p> + <p> + ‘You wretch!’ says the Queen. + </p> + <p> + ‘You little vulgar thing!’ says the Princess. + </p> + <p> + ‘You beast!’ says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Get out of my sight!’ says the Queen. + </p> + <p> + ‘Go away with you, do!’ says the Princess. + </p> + <p> + ‘Quit the premises!’ says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Alas! and woe is me!’ very lamentable events had occurred to Betsinda + that morning, and all in consequence of that fatal warming-pan business of + the previous night. The King had offered to marry her; of course Her + Majesty the Queen was jealous: Bulbo had fallen in love with her; of + course Angelica was furious: Giglio was in love with her, and oh, what a + fury Gruffy was in! <br /><br /> ‘Take off that {cap } I gave you,’<br /> + {petticoat} they said, all<br /> {gown } at once,<br /> and began tearing + the clothes off poor Betsinda.<br /><br /> ‘How (the King?’ } cried the + Queen,<br /> dare you {Prince Bulbo?’ } the Princess, and<br /> flirt with + {Prince Giglio?’ } Countess.<br /> + </p> + <p> + ‘Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and turn her out + of it!’ cries the Queen. + </p> + <p> + ‘Mind she does not go with MY shoes on, which I lent her so kindly,’ says + the Princess; and indeed the Princess’s shoes were a great deal too big + for Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + ‘Come with me, you filthy hussy!’ and taking up the Queen’s poker, the + cruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room. + </p> + <p> + The Countess went to the glass box in which she had kept Betsinda’s old + cloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, ‘Take those rags, you little + beggar creature, and strip off everything belonging to honest people, and + go about your business’; and she actually tore off the poor little + delicate thing’s back almost all her things, and told her to be off out of + the house. + </p> + <p> + Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which were embroidered + the letters PRIN. . . ROSAL. . . and then came a great rent. + </p> + <p> + As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey sandal? + the string was still to it, so she hung it round her neck. + </p> + <p> + ‘Won’t you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if you + please, mum?’ cried the poor child. + </p> + <p> + ‘No, you wicked beast!’ says Gruffanuff, driving her along with the poker—driving + her down the cold stairs—driving her through the cold hall—flinging + her out into the cold street, so that the knocker itself shed tears to see + her! + </p> + <p> + But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and she + wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and was gone! + </p> + <p> + ‘And now let us think about breakfast,’ says the greedy Queen. + </p> + <p> + ‘What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or the peagreen?’ says + Angelica. ‘Which do you think the dear Prince will like best?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Mrs. V.!’ sings out the King from his dressing-room, ‘let us have + sausages for breakfast! Remember we have Prince Bulbo staying with us!’ + </p> + <p> + And they all went to get ready. + </p> + <p> + Nine o’clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and no Prince + Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing and humming: the muffins were smoking—such + a heap of muffins! the eggs were done, there was a pot of raspberry jam, + and coffee, and a beautiful chicken and tongue on the side-table. + Marmitonio the cook brought in the sausages. Oh, how nice they smelt! + </p> + <p> + ‘Where is Bulbo?’ said the King. ‘John, where is His Royal Highness?’ John + said he had a took hup His Roilighnessesses shaving-water, and his clothes + and things, and he wasn’t in his room, which he sposed His Royliness was + just stepped trout. + </p> + <p> + ‘Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!’ says the King, + sticking his fork into a sausage. ‘My dear, take one. Angelica, won’t you + have a saveloy?’ The Princess took one, being very fond of them; and at + this moment Glumboso entered with Captain Hedzoff, both looking very much + disturbed. + </p> + <p> + ‘I am afraid Your Majesty—’ cries Glumboso. + </p> + <p> + ‘No business before breakfast, Glum!’ says the King.’ Breakfast first, + business next. Mrs. V., some more sugar!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too late,’ + says Glumboso. ‘He—he—he’ll be hanged at half-past nine.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Don’t talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, vulgar man + you,’ cries the Princess. ‘John, some mustard. Pray who is to be hanged?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sire, it is the Prince,’ whispers Glumboso to the King. + </p> + <p> + ‘Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you!’ says His Majesty, quite + sulky. + </p> + <p> + ‘We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it,’ says the Minister. ‘His father, + King Padella. . .’ + </p> + <p> + ‘His father, King WHO?’ says the King. ‘King Padella is not Giglio’s + father. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio’s father.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It’s Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not Prince Giglio,’ says the + Prime Minister. + </p> + <p> + ‘You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the ugly one,’ says Hedzoff. + ‘I didn’t, of course, think Your Majesty intended to murder your own flesh + and blood!’ + </p> + <p> + The King for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff’s head. The + Princess cried out ‘Hee-kareekaree!’ and fell down in a fainting fit. + </p> + <p> + ‘Turn the cock of the urn upon Her Royal Highness,’ said the King, and the + boiling water gradually revived her. His Majesty looked at his watch, + compared it by the clock in the parlour, and by that of the church in the + square opposite; then he wound it up; then he looked at it again. ‘The + great question is,’ says he, ‘am I fast or am I slow? If I’m slow, we may + as well go on with breakfast. If I’m fast, why, there is just the + possibility of saving Prince Bulbo. It’s a doosid awkward mistake, and + upon my word, Hedzoff, I have the greatest mind to have you hanged too.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sire, I did but my duty; a soldier has but his orders. I didn’t expect + after forty-seven years of faithful service that my sovereign would think + of putting me to a felon’s death!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can’t you see that while you are + talking my Bulbo is being hung?’ screamed the Princess. + </p> + <p> + ‘By Jove! she’s always right, that girl, and I’m so absent,’ says the + King, looking at his watch again. ‘Ha! there go the drums! What a doosid + awkward thing though!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let me run with it,’ cries + the Princess—and she got a sheet of paper, and pen and ink, and laid + them before the King. + </p> + <p> + ‘Confound it! where are my spectacles?’ the Monarch exclaimed. ‘Angelica! + go up into my bedroom, look under my pillow, not your mamma’s; there + you’ll see my keys. Bring them down to me, and—Well, well! what + impetuous things these girls are!’ Angelica was gone, and had run up + panting to the bedroom, and found the keys, and was back again before the + King had finished a muffin. ‘Now, love,’ says he, ‘you must go all the way + back for my desk, in which my spectacles are. If you would but have heard + me out. . . Be hanged to her! There she is off again. Angelica! ANGELICA!’ + When His Majesty called in his LOUD voice, she knew she must obey, and + came back. + </p> + <p> + ‘My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, SHUT THE + DOOR. That’s a darling. That’s all.’ At last the keys and the desk and the + spectacles were got, and the King mended his pen, and signed his name to a + reprieve, and Angelica ran with it as swift as the wind. ‘You’d better + stay, my love, and finish the muffins. There’s no use going. Be sure it’s + too late. Hand me over that raspberry jam, please,’ said the Monarch. + ‘Bong! Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew it was.’ + </p> + <p> + Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, and down + High Street, and through the Market-place, and down to the left, and over + the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back again, and round by the + Castle, and so along by the Haberdasher’s on the right, opposite the + lamp-post, and round the square, and she came—she came to the + EXECUTION PLACE, where she saw Bulbo laying his head on the block!!! The + executioner raised his axe, but at that moment the Princess came panting + up and cried ‘Reprieve!’ ‘Reprieve!’ screamed the Princess. ‘Reprieve!’ + shouted all the people. Up the scaffold stairs she sprang, with the + agility of a lighter of lamps; and flinging herself in Bulbo’s arms, + regardless of all ceremony, she cried out, ‘Oh, my Prince! my lord! my + love! my Bulbo! Thine Angelica has been in time to save thy precious + existence, sweet rosebud; to prevent thy being nipped in thy young bloom! + Had aught befallen thee, Angelica too had died, and welcomed death that + joined her to her Bulbo.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘H’m! there’s no accounting for tastes,’ said Bulbo, looking so very much + puzzled and uncomfortable that the Princess, in tones of tenderest strain, + asked the cause of his disquiet. + </p> + <p> + ‘I tell you what it is, Angelica,’ said he, ‘since I came here yesterday, + there has been such a row, and disturbance, and quarrelling, and fighting, + and chopping of heads off, and the deuce to pay, that I am inclined to go + back to Crim Tartary.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though wherever thou art is Crim + Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, well, I suppose we must be married,’ says Bulbo. ‘Doctor, you came + to read the Funeral Service—read the Marriage Service, will you? + What must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica, and then, in the name of + peace and quietness, do let us go back to breakfast.’ + </p> + <p> + Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the time of the dismal ceremony. + It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother that he ought never to + part with it. So he had kept it between his teeth, even when he laid his + poor head upon the block, hoping vaguely that some chance would turn up in + his favour. As he began to speak to Angelica, he forgot about the rose, + and of course it dropped out of his mouth. The romantic Princess instantly + stooped and seized it. ‘Sweet rose!’ she exclaimed, ‘that bloomed upon my + Bulbo’s lip, never, never will I part from thee!’ and she placed it in her + bosom. And you know Bulbo COULDN’T ask her to give the rose back again. + And they went to breakfast; and as they walked, it appeared to Bulbo that + Angelica became more exquisitely lovely every moment. + </p> + <p> + He was frantic until they were married; and now, strange to say, it was + Angelica who didn’t care about him! He knelt down, he kissed her hand, he + prayed and begged; he cried with admiration; while she for her part said + she really thought they might wait; it seemed to her he was not handsome + any more—no, not at all, quite the reverse; and not clever, no, very + stupid; and not well bred, like Giglio; no, on the contrary, dreadfully + vul— + </p> + <p> + What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out ‘POOH, stuff!’ in a + terrible voice. ‘We will have no more of this shilly-shallying! Call the + Archbishop, and let the Prince and Princess be married offhand!’ + </p> + <p> + So, married they were, and I am sure for my part I trust they will be + happy. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER + </h2> + <p> + Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town gates, and + so on the great Crim Tartary road, the very way on which Giglio too was + going. ‘Ah!’ thought she, as the diligence passed her, of which the + conductor was blowing a delightful tune on his horn, ‘how I should like to + be on that coach!’ But the coach and the jingling horses were very soon + gone. She little knew who was in it, though very likely she was thinking + of him all the time. + </p> + <p> + Then came an empty cart, returning from market; and the driver being a + kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging along the road with + bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a seat. He said he lived on the + confines of the forest, where his old father was a woodman, and, if she + liked, he would take her so far on her road. All roads were the same to + little Betsinda, so she very thankfully took this one. + </p> + <p> + And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some bread + and cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that she was very cold + and melancholy. When after travelling on and on, evening came, and all the + black pines were bending with snow, and there, at last, was the + comfortable light beaming in the woodman’s windows; and so they arrived, + and went into his cottage. He was an old man, and had a number of + children, who were just at supper, with nice hot bread-and-milk, when + their elder brother arrived with the cart. And they jumped and clapped + their hands; for they were good children; and he had brought them toys + from the town. And when they saw the pretty stranger, they ran to her, and + brought her to the fire, and rubbed her poor little feet, and brought her + bread and milk. + </p> + <p> + ‘Look, father!’ they said to the old woodman, ‘look at this poor girl, and + see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as white as our milk! And look + and see what an odd cloak she has, just like the bit of velvet that hangs + up in our cupboard, and which you found that day the little cubs were + killed by King Padella, in the forest! And look, why, bless us all! she + has got round her neck just such another little shoe as that you brought + home, and have shown us so often—a little blue velvet shoe!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What,’ said the old woodman, ‘what is all this about a shoe and a cloak?’ + </p> + <p> + And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a little child, + at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the persons who had taken + care of her had—had been angry with her, for no fault, she hoped, of + her own. And they had sent her away with her old clothes—and here, + in fact, she was. She remembered having been in a forest—and perhaps + it was a dream—it was so very odd and strange—having lived in + a cave with lions there; and, before that, having lived in a very, very + fine house, as fine as the King’s, in the town. + </p> + <p> + When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite curious to + see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, and took out of a + stocking a five-shilling piece of King Cavolfiore, and vowed it was + exactly like the young woman. And then he produced the shoe and piece of + velvet which he had kept so long, and compared them with the things which + Betsinda wore. In Betsinda’s little shoe was written, ‘Hopkins, maker to + the Royal Family’; so in the other shoe was written, ‘Hopkins, maker to + the Royal Family.’ In the inside of Betsinda’s piece of cloak was + embroidered, ‘PRIN ROSAL’; in the other piece of cloak was embroidered + ‘CESS BA. NO. 246.’ So that when put together you read, ‘PRINCESS ROSALBA. + NO. 246.’ + </p> + <p> + On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, saying, ‘O my + Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my rightful Queen of Crim Tartary,—I + hail thee—I acknowledge thee—I do thee homage!’ And in token + of his fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three times on the ground, and + put the Princess’s foot on his head. + </p> + <p> + ‘Why,’ said she, ‘my good woodman, you must be a nobleman of my royal + father’s Court!’ For in her lowly retreat, and under the name of Betsinda, + HER MAJESTY, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, had read of the customs of + all foreign courts and nations. + </p> + <p> + ‘Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege—the poor Lord Spinachi once—the + humble woodman these fifteen years syne. Ever since the tyrant Padella + (may ruin overtake the treacherous knave!) dismissed me from my post of + First Lord.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snuffbox? I mind me! + Thou heldest these posts under our royal Sire. They are restored to thee, + Lord Spinachi! I make thee knight of the second class of our Order of the + Pumpkin (the first class being reserved for crowned heads alone). Rise, + Marquis of Spinachi!’ And with indescribable majesty, the Queen, who had + no sword handy, waved the pewter spoon with which she had been taking her + bread-and-milk, over the bald head of the old nobleman, whose tears + absolutely made a puddle on the ground, and whose dear children went to + bed that night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina, and Ottavia + degli Spinachi! + </p> + <p> + The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history, and noble families + of her empire, was wonderful. ‘The House of Broccoli should remain + faithful to us,’ she said; ‘they were ever welcome at our Court. Have the + Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to the Rising Sun? The family of + Sauerkraut must sure be with us—they were ever welcome in the halls + of King Cavolfiore.’ And so she went on enumerating quite a list of the + nobility and gentry of Crim Tartary, so admirably had Her Majesty profited + by her studies while in exile. + </p> + <p> + The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer for them all; that the + whole country groaned under Padella’s tyranny, and longed to return to its + rightful sovereign; and late as it was, he sent his children, who knew the + forest well, to summon this nobleman and that; and when his eldest son, + who had been rubbing the horse down and giving him his supper, came into + the house for his own, the Marquis told him to put his boots on, and a + saddle on the mare, and ride hither and thither to such and such people. + </p> + <p> + When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, he too + knelt down and put her royal foot on his head; he too bedewed the ground + with his tears; he was frantically in love with her, as everybody now was + who saw her: so were the young Lords Bartolomeo and Ubaldo, who punched + each other’s little heads out of jealousy; and so, when they came from + east and west at the summons of the Marquis degli Spinachi, were the Crim + Tartar Lords who still remained faithful to the House of Cavolfiore. They + were such very old gentlemen for the most part that Her Majesty never + suspected their absurd passion, and went among them quite unaware of the + havoc her beauty was causing, until an old blind Lord who had joined her + party told her what the truth was; after which, for fear of making the + people too much in love with her, she always wore a veil. She went about + privately, from one nobleman’s castle to another; and they visited among + themselves again, and had meetings, and composed proclamations and + counter-proclamations, and distributed all the best places of the kingdom + amongst one another, and selected who of the opposition party should be + executed when the Queen came to her own. And so in about a year they were + ready to move. + </p> + <p> + The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of very feeble old fogies for + the most part; they went about the country waving their old swords and + flags, and calling ‘God save the Queen!’ and King Padella happening to be + absent upon an invasion, they had their own way for a little, and to be + sure the people were very enthusiastic whenever they saw the Queen; + otherwise the vulgar took matters very quietly, for they said, as far as + they could recollect, they were pretty well as much taxed in Cavolfiore’s + time, as now in Padella’s. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT HOGGINARMO + </h2> + <p> + Her Majesty, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her followers + Knights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls, and Baronets; and they had a + little court for her, and made her a little crown of gilt paper, and a + robe of cotton velvet; and they quarrelled about the places to be given + away in her court, and about rank and precedence and dignities;—you + can’t think how they quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of her + honours before she had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimes + even to be a lady’s-maid again. But we must all do our duty in our + respective stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform hers. + </p> + <p> + We have said how it happened that none of the Usurper’s troops came out to + oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as nimbly as the gout of + the principal commanders allowed: it consisted of twice as many officers + as soldiers: and at length passed near the estates of one of the most + powerful noblemen of the country, who had not declared for the Queen, but + of whom her party had hopes, as he was always quarrelling with King + Padella. + </p> + <p> + When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say he would + wait upon Her Majesty: he was a most powerful warrior, and his name was + Count Hogginarmo, whose helmet it took two strong negroes to carry. He + knelt down before her and said, ‘Madam and liege lady! it becomes the + great nobles of the Crimean realm to show every outward sign of respect to + the wearer of the Crown, whoever that may be. We testify to our own + nobility in acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bends the knee to the + first of the aristocracy of his country.’ + </p> + <p> + Rosalba said, ‘The bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly kind.’ But she + felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his eyes scowled at + her from between his whiskers, which grew up to them. + </p> + <p> + ‘The first Count of the Empire, madam,’ he went on, ‘salutes the + Sovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the not more noble lady! Madam, + my hand is free, and I offer it, and my heart and my sword to your + service! My three wives lie buried in my ancestral vaults. The third + perished but a year since; and this heart pines for a consort! Deign to be + mine, and I swear to bring to your bridal table the head of King Padella, + the eyes and nose of his son Prince Bulbo, the right hand and ears of the + usurping Sovereign of Paflagonia, which country shall thenceforth be an + appanage to your—to OUR Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo is not accustomed + to be denied. Indeed I cannot contemplate the possibility of a refusal: + for frightful will be the result; dreadful the murders; furious the + devastations; horrible the tyranny; tremendous the tortures, misery, + taxation, which the people of this realm will endure, if Hogginarmo’s + wrath be aroused! I see consent in Your Majesty’s lovely eyes—their + glances fill my soul with rapture!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, sir!’ Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright. ‘Your + Lordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry to tell you that I have a + prior attachment to a young gentleman by the name of—Prince Giglio—and + never—never can marry any one but him.’ + </p> + <p> + Who can describe Hogginarmo’s wrath at this remark? Rising up from the + ground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out of his mouth, from + which at the same time issued remarks and language, so LOUD, VIOLENT, AND + IMPROPER, that this pen shall never repeat them! ‘R-r-r-r-rr—Rejected! + Fiends and perdition! The bold Hogginarmo rejected! All the world shall + hear of my rage; and you, madam, you above all shall rue it!’ And kicking + the two negroes before him, he rushed away, his whiskers streaming in the + wind. + </p> + <p> + Her Majesty’s Privy Council was in a dreadful panic when they saw + Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering rage, making + footballs of the poor negroes—a panic which the events justified. + They marched off from Hogginarmo’s park very crestfallen; and in another + half-hour they were met by that rapacious chieftain with a few of his + followers, who cut, slashed, charged, whacked, banged, and pommelled + amongst them, took the Queen prisoner, and drove the Army of Fidelity to I + don’t know where. + </p> + <p> + Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to see her. + ‘Get a horse-van!’ he said to his grooms, ‘clap the hussy into it, and + send her, with my compliments, to His Majesty King Padella.’ + </p> + <p> + Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full of servile + compliments and loathsome flatteries to King Padella, for whose life, and + that of his royal family, the HYPOCRITICAL HUMBUG pretended to offer the + most fulsome prayers. And Hogginarmo promised speedily to pay his humble + homage at his august master’s throne, of which he begged leave to be + counted the most loyal and constant defender. Such a WARY old BIRD as King + Padella was not to be caught by Master Hogginarmo’s CHAFF and we shall + hear presently how the tyrant treated his upstart vassal. No, no; depend + on’s, two such rogues do not trust one another. + </p> + <p> + So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and driven + along in the dark ever so many miles to the Court, where King Padella had + now arrived, having vanquished all his enemies, murdered most of them, and + brought some of the richest into captivity with him for the purpose of + torturing them and finding out where they had hidden their money. + </p> + <p> + Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which she was + thrust; a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, mice, toads, frogs, + mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and every kind of horror. No light was + let into it, otherwise the gaolers might have seen her and fallen in love + with her, as an owl that lived up in the roof of the tower did, and a cat, + you know, who can see in the dark, and having set its green eyes on + Rosalba, never would be got to go back to the turnkey’s wife to whom it + belonged. And the toads in the dungeon came and kissed her feet, and the + vipers wound round her neck and arms, and never hurt her, so charming was + this poor Princess in the midst of her misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + At last, after she had been kept in this place EVER SO LONG, the door of + the dungeon opened, and the terrible KING PADELLA came in. + </p> + <p> + But what he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, as we must + now back to Prince Giglio. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO + </h2> + <p> + The idea of marrying such an old creature as Gruffanuff frightened Prince + Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed his trunks, fetched in a + couple of porters, and was off to the diligence office in a twinkling. + </p> + <p> + It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not dawdle over + his luggage, and took the early coach, for as soon as the mistake about + Prince Bulbo was found out, that cruel Glumboso sent up a couple of + policemen to Prince Giglio’s room, with orders that he should be carried + to Newgate, and his head taken off before twelve o’clock. But the coach + was out of the Paflagonian dominions before two o’clock; and I dare say + the express that was sent after Prince Giglio did not ride very quick, for + many people in Paflagonia had a regard for Giglio, as the son of their old + sovereign; a Prince who, with all his weaknesses, was very much better + than his brother, the usurping, lazy, careless, passionate, tyrannical, + reigning monarch. That Prince busied himself with the balls, fetes, + masquerades, hunting-parties, and so forth, which he thought proper to + give on occasion of his daughter’s marriage to Prince Bulbo; and let us + trust was not sorry in his own heart that his brother’s son had escaped + the scaffold. + </p> + <p> + It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, and Giglio, who + gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was very glad to get a comfortable + place in the coupe of the diligence, where he sat with the conductor and + another gentleman. At the first stage from Blombodinga, as they stopped to + change horses, there came up to the diligence a very ordinary, + vulgar-looking woman, with a bag under her arm, who asked for a place. All + the inside places were taken, and the young woman was informed that if she + wished to travel, she must go upon the roof; and the passenger inside with + Giglio (a rude person, I should think), put his head out of the window, + and said, ‘Nice weather for travelling outside! I wish you a pleasant + journey, my dear.’ The poor woman coughed very much, and Giglio pitied + her. ‘I will give up my place to her,’ says he, ‘rather than she should + travel in the cold air with that horrid cough.’ On which the vulgar + traveller said, ‘YOU’D keep her warm, I am sure, if it’s a MUFF she + wants.’ On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxed his ears, hit him in the + eye, and gave this vulgar person a warning never to call him MUFF again. + </p> + <p> + Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the diligence, and made himself + very comfortable in the straw. + </p> + <p> + The vulgar traveller got down only at the next station, and Giglio took + his place again, and talked to the person next to him. She appeared to be + a most agreeable, well-informed, and entertaining female. They travelled + together till night, and she gave Giglio all sorts of things out of the + bag which she carried, and which indeed seemed to contain the most + wonderful collection of articles. He was thirsty—out there came a + pint bottle of Bass’s pale ale, and a silver mug! Hungry—she took + out a cold fowl, some slices of ham, bread, salt, and a most delicious + piece of cold plum-pudding, and a little glass of brandy afterwards. + </p> + <p> + As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to Giglio on a + variety of subjects, in which the poor Prince showed his ignorance as much + as she did her capacity. He owned, with many blushes, how ignorant he was; + on which the lady said, ‘My dear Gigl—my good Mr. Giles, you are a + young man, and have plenty of time before you. You have nothing to do but + to improve yourself. Who knows but that you may find use for your + knowledge some day? When—when you may be wanted at home, as some + people may be.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Good heavens, madam!’ says he, ‘do you know me?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I know a number of funny things,’ says the lady. ‘I have been at some + people’s christenings, and turned away from other folks’ doors. I have + seen some people spoilt by good fortune, and others, as I hope, improved + by hardship. I advise you to stay at the town where the coach stops for + the night. Stay there and study, and remember your old friend to whom you + were kind.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And who is my old friend?’ asked Giglio. + </p> + <p> + ‘When you want anything,’ says the lady, ‘look in this bag, which I leave + to you as a present, and be grateful to—’ + </p> + <p> + ‘To whom, madam?’ says he. + </p> + <p> + ‘To the Fairy Blackstick,’ says the lady, flying out of the window. And + then Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where the lady was? + </p> + <p> + ‘What lady?’ says the man; ‘there has been no lady in this coach, except + the old woman, who got out at the last stage.’ And Giglio thought he had + been dreaming. But there was the bag which Blackstick had given him lying + on his lap; and when he came to the town he took it in his hand and went + into the inn. + </p> + <p> + They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio, when he woke in the morning, + fancying himself in the Royal Palace at home, called, ‘John, Charles, + Thomas! My chocolate—my dressing-gown—my slippers’; but nobody + came. There was no bell, so he went and bawled out for water on the top of + the stairs. + </p> + <p> + The landlady came up. + </p> + <p> + ‘What are you a hollering and a bellaring for here, young man?’ says she. + </p> + <p> + ‘There’s no warm water—no servants; my boots are not even cleaned.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He, he! Clean ‘em yourself,’ says the landlady. ‘You young students give + yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such impudence.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll quit the house this instant,’ says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + ‘The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. All my rooms + is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as you.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You may well keep the Bear Inn,’ said Giglio. ‘You should have yourself + painted as the sign.’ + </p> + <p> + The landlady of the Bear went away GROWLING. And Giglio returned to his + room, where the first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying on the table, + which seemed to give a little hop as he came in. ‘I hope it has some + breakfast in it,’ says Giglio, ‘for I have only a very little money left.’ + But on opening the bag, what do you think was there? A blacking-brush and + a pot of Warren’s jet, and on the pot was written: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Poor young men their boots must black: + Use me and cork me and put me back. +</pre> + <p> + So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush and the + bottle into the bag. + </p> + <p> + When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little hop, and he + went to it and took out— + </p> + <p> + 1. A tablecloth and a napkin. + </p> + <p> + 2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar. + </p> + <p> + 4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair of + sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked G. + </p> + <p> + 11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin. + </p> + <p> + 14. A jug full of delicious cream. + </p> + <p> + 15. A canister with black tea and green. + </p> + <p> + 16. A large tea-urn and boiling water. + </p> + <p> + 17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done. + </p> + <p> + 18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter. + </p> + <p> + 19. A brown loaf. + </p> + <p> + And if he hadn’t enough now for a good breakfast, I should like to know + who ever had one? + </p> + <p> + Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back into the bag, + and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to say that this celebrated + university town was called Bosforo. + </p> + <p> + He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools, paid his bill at the inn, + and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet-bag, and not forgetting, + we may be sure, his OTHER bag. + </p> + <p> + When he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled with his best + clothes, he found it contained only books. And in the first of them which + he opened there was written— + </p> + <p> + Clothes for the back, books for the head: Read and remember them when they + are read. + </p> + <p> + And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student’s cap and + gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, and a Johnson’s + dictionary, which was very useful to him, as his spelling had been sadly + neglected. + </p> + <p> + So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard for a whole year, during + which ‘Mr. Giles’ was quite an example to all the students in the + University of Bosforo. He never got into any riots or disturbances. The + Professors all spoke well of him, and the students liked him too; so that, + when at examination, he took all the prizes, viz. <br /> <br /> {The + Spelling Prize {The French Prize<br /> {The Writing Prize {The Arithmetic + Prize<br /> {The History Prize {The Latin Prize<br /> {The Catechism Prize + {The Good Conduct Prize, + </p> + <p> + all his fellow-students said, ‘Hurrah! Hurray for Giles! Giles is the boy—the + student’s joy! Hurray for Giles!’ And he brought quite a quantity of + medals, crowns, books, and tokens of distinction home to his lodgings. + </p> + <p> + One day after the Examinations, as he was diverting himself at a + coffee-house with two friends—(Did I tell you that in his bag, every + Saturday night, he found just enough to pay his bills, with a guinea over, + for pocket-money? Didn’t I tell you? Well, he did, as sure as twice twenty + makes forty-five)—he chanced to look in the Bosforo Chronicle, and + read off, quite easily (for he could spell, read, and write the longest + words now), the following:— + </p> + <p> + ‘ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE.—One of the most extraordinary adventures + that we have ever heard has set the neighbouring country of Crim Tartary + in a state of great excitement. + </p> + <p> + ‘It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign of Crim + Tartary, His Majesty King PADELLA, took possession of the throne, after + having vanquished, in the terrific battle of Blunderbusco, the late King + CAVOLFIORE, that Prince’s only child, the Princess Rosalba, was not found + in the royal palace, of which King Padella took possession, and, it was + said, had strayed into the forest (being abandoned by all her attendants) + where she had been eaten up by those ferocious lions, the last pair of + which were captured some time since, and brought to the Tower, after + killing several hundred persons. + </p> + <p> + ‘His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the world, was + grieved at the accident which had occurred to the harmless little + Princess, for whom His Majesty’s known benevolence would certainly have + provided a fitting establishment. But her death seemed to be certain. The + mangled remains of a cloak, and a little shoe, were found in the forest, + during a hunting-party, in which the intrepid sovereign of Crim Tartary + slew two of the lions’ cubs with his own spear. And these interesting + relics of an innocent little creature were carried home and kept by their + finder, the Baron Spinachi, formerly an officer in Cavolfiore’s household. + The Baron was disgraced in consequence of his known legitimist opinions, + and has lived for some time in the humble capacity of a wood-cutter, in a + forest on the outskirts of the Kingdom of Crim Tartary. + </p> + <p> + ‘Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of gentlemen, attached to + the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying, “God save Rosalba, the first + Queen of Crim Tartary!” and surrounding a lady whom report describes as + “BEAUTIFUL EXCEEDINGLY.” Her history MAY be authentic, is certainly most + romantic. + </p> + <p> + ‘The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was brought out of + the forest, fifteen years since, by a lady in a car drawn by dragons (this + account is certainly IMPROBABLE), that she was left in the Palace Garden + of Blombodinga, where Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica, now + married to His Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, found + the child, and, with THAT ELEGANT BENEVOLENCE which has always + distinguished the heiress of the throne of Paflagonia, gave the little + outcast a SHELTER AND A HOME! Her parentage not being known, and her garb + very humble, the foundling was educated in the Palace in a menial + capacity, under the name of BETSINDA. + </p> + <p> + ‘She did not give satisfaction, and was dismissed, carrying with her, + certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe, which she had on when first found. + According to her statement she quitted Blombodinga about a year ago, since + which time she has been with the Spinachi family. On the very same morning + the Prince Giglio, nephew to the King of Paflagonia, a young Prince whose + character for TALENT and ORDER were, to say truth, none of the HIGHEST, + also quitted Blombodinga, and has not been since heard of!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What an extraordinary story!’ said Smith and Jones, two young students, + Giglio’s especial friends. + </p> + <p> + ‘Ha! what is this?’ Giglio went on, reading— + </p> + <p> + ‘SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS.—We hear that the troop under Baron + Spinachi has been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General Count + Hogginarmo, and the soidisant Princess is sent a prisoner to the capital. + </p> + <p> + ‘UNIVERSITY NEWS.—Yesterday, at the Schools, the distinguished young + student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was complimented by the + Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with the highest University honour—the + wooden spoon.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Never mind that stuff,’ says GILES, greatly disturbed. ‘Come home with + me, my friends. Gallant Smith! intrepid Jones! friends of my studies—partakers + of my academic toils—I have that to tell which shall astonish your + honest minds.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Go it, old boy!’ cries the impetuous Smith. + </p> + <p> + ‘Talk away, my buck!’ says Jones, a lively fellow. + </p> + <p> + With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their natural, but no + more seemly, familiarity. ‘Jones, Smith, my good friends,’ said the + PRINCE, ‘disguise is henceforth useless; I am no more the humble student + Giles, I am the descendant of a royal line.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Atavis edite regibus, I know, old co—’ cried Jones. He was going to + say old cock, but a flash from THE ROYAL EYE again awed him. + </p> + <p> + ‘Friends,’ continued the Prince, ‘I am that Giglio, I am, in fact, + Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public street. Jones, thou + true heart! My faithless uncle, when I was a baby, filched from me that + brave crown my father left me, bred me, all young and careless of my + rights, like unto hapless Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; and had I any + thoughts about my wrongs, soothed me with promises of near redress. I + should espouse his daughter, young Angelica; we two indeed should reign in + Paflagonia. His words were false—false as Angelica’s heart!—false + as Angelica’s hair, colour, front teeth! She looked with her skew eyes + upon young Bulbo, Crim Tartary’s stupid heir, and she preferred him.’ Twas + then I turned my eyes upon Betsinda—Rosalba, as she now is. And I + saw in her the blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maiden modesty; + the nymph that my fond heart had ever woo’d in dreams,’ etc. etc. + </p> + <p> + (I don’t give this speech, which was very fine, but very long; and though + Smith and Jones knew nothing about the circumstances, my dear reader does, + so I go on.) + </p> + <p> + The Prince and his young friends hastened home to his apartment, highly + excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by the ROYAL NARRATOR’S admirable + manner of recounting it, and they ran up to his room where he had worked + so hard at his books. + </p> + <p> + On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the Prince could not + help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and what do you think he + found in it? + </p> + <p> + A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded, cut-and-thrust + sword, and on the sheath was embroidered ‘ROSALBA FOR EVER!’ + </p> + <p> + He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole room, and + called out ‘Rosalba for ever!’ Smith and Jones following him, but quite + respectfully this time, and taking the time from His Royal Highness. + </p> + <p> + And now his trunk opened with a sudden pony, and out there came three + ostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful shining steel + helmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a complete suit of armour. + </p> + <p> + The books on Giglio’s shelves were all gone. Where there had been some + great dictionaries, Giglio’s friends found two pairs of jack-boots + labelled, ‘Lieutenant Smith,’ ‘—Jones, Esq.,’ which fitted them to a + nicety. Besides, there were helmets, back and breast plates, swords, etc., + just like in Mr. G. P. R. James’s novels; and that evening three cavaliers + might have been seen issuing from the gates of Bosforo, in whom the + porters, proctors, etc., never thought of recognising the young Prince and + his friends. + </p> + <p> + They got horses at a livery stable-keeper’s, and never drew bridle until + they reached the last town on the frontier before you come to Crim + Tartary. Here, as their animals were tired, and the cavaliers hungry, they + stopped and refreshed at an hostel. I could make a chapter of this if I + were like some writers, but I like to cram my measure tight down, you see, + and give you a great deal for your money, and, in a word, they had some + bread and cheese and ale upstairs on the balcony of the inn. As they were + drinking, drums and trumpets sounded nearer and nearer, the marketplace + was filled with soldiers, and His Royal Highness looking forth, recognised + the Paflagonian banners, and the Paflagonian national air which the bands + were playing. + </p> + <p> + The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up Giglio + exclaimed, on beholding their leader, ‘Whom do I see? Yes! No! It is, it + is! Phoo! No, it can’t be! Yes! It is my friend, my gallant faithful + veteran, Captain Hedzoff! Ho! Hedzoff! Knowest thou not thy Prince, thy + Giglio? Good Corporal, methinks we once were friends. Ha, Sergeant, an’ my + memory serves me right, we have had many a bout at singlestick.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ faith, we have, a many, good my Lord,’ says the Sergeant. + </p> + <p> + ‘Tell me, what means this mighty armament,’ continued His Royal Highness + from the balcony, ‘and whither march my Paflagonians?’ + </p> + <p> + Hedzoff’s head fell. ‘My Lord,’ he said, ‘we march as the allies of great + Padella, Crim Tartary’s monarch.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Crim Tartary’s usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary’s grim tyrant, + honest Hedzoff!’ said the Prince, on the balcony, quite sarcastically. + </p> + <p> + ‘A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders: mine are to help His + Majesty Padella. And also (though alack that I should say it!) to seize + wherever I should light upon him.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!’ exclaimed His Royal Highness. + </p> + <p> + ‘—On the body of GIGLIO, whilome Prince of Paflagonia’ Hedzoff went + on, with indescribable emotion. ‘My Prince, give up your sword without + ado. Look! we are thirty thousand men to one!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!’ cried the Prince; and + stepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, WITHOUT + PREPARATION, delivered a speech so magnificent, that no report can do + justice to it. It was all in blank verse (in which, from this time, he + invariably spoke, as more becoming his majestic station). It lasted for + three days and three nights, during which not a single person who heard + him was tired, or remarked the difference between daylight and dark. The + soldiers only cheering tremendously, when occasionally, once in nine + hours, the Prince paused to suck an orange, which Jones took out of the + bag. He explained, in terms which we say we shall not attempt to convey, + the whole history of the previous transaction, and his determination not + only not to give up his sword, but to assume his rightful crown; and at + the end of this extraordinary, this truly GIGANTIC effort, Captain Hedzoff + flung up his helmet, and cried, ‘Hurray! Hurray! Long live King Giglio!’ + </p> + <p> + Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at College! + </p> + <p> + When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the army, and + their Sovereign himself did not disdain a little! And now it was with some + alarm that Captain Hedzoff told him his division was only the advanced + guard of the Paflagonian contingent, hastening to King Padella’s aid; the + main force being a day’s march in the rear under His Royal Highness Prince + Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + ‘We will wait here, good friend, to beat the Prince,’ His Majesty said, + ‘and THEN will make his royal father wince.’ + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA + </h2> + <p> + King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those which she had + received from the various princes who, as we have seen, had fallen in love + with her. His Majesty was a widower, and offered to marry his fair captive + that instant, but she declined his invitation in her usual polite gentle + manner, stating that Prince Giglio was her love, and that any other union + was out of the question. Having tried tears and supplications in vain, + this violent-tempered monarch menaced her with threats and tortures; but + she declared she would rather suffer all these than accept the hand of her + father’s murderer, who left her finally, uttering the most awful + imprecations, and bidding her prepare for death on the following morning. + </p> + <p> + All night long the King spent in advising how he should get rid of this + obdurate young creature. Cutting off her head was much too easy a death + for her; hanging was so common in His Majesty’s dominions that it no + longer afforded him any sport; finally, he bethought himself of a pair of + fierce lions which had lately been sent to him as presents, and he + determined, with these ferocious brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down. + Adjoining his castle was an amphitheatre where the Prince indulged in + bull-baiting, rat-hunting, and other ferocious sports. The two lions were + kept in a cage under this place; their roaring might be heard over the + whole city, the inhabitants of which, I am sorry to say, thronged in + numbers to see a poor young lady gobbled up by two wild beasts. + </p> + <p> + The King took his place in the royal box, having the officers of his Court + around and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon whom His Majesty was + observed to look very fiercely; the fact is, royal spies had told the + monarch of Hogginarmo’s behaviour, his proposals to Rosalba, and his offer + to fight for the crown. Black as thunder looked King Padella at this proud + noble, as they sat in the front seats of the theatre waiting to see the + tragedy whereof poor Rosalba was to be the heroine. + </p> + <p> + At length that Princess was brought out in her nightgown, with all her + beautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so pretty that even the + beef-eaters and keepers of the wild animals wept plentifully at seeing + her. And she walked with her poor little feet (only luckily the arena was + covered with sawdust), and went and leaned up against a great stone in the + centre of the amphitheatre, round which the Court and the people were + seated in boxes, with bars before them, for fear of the great, fierce, + red-maned, black-throated, long-tailed, roaring, bellowing, rushing lions. + And now the gates were opened, and with a wurrawarrurawarar two great + lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed out of their den, where they had been + kept for three weeks on nothing but a little toast-and-water, and dashed + straight up to the stone where poor Rosalba was waiting. Commend her to + your patron saints, all you kind people, for she is in a dreadful state! + </p> + <p> + There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the fierce King + Padella even felt a little compassion. But Count Hogginarmo, seated by His + Majesty, roared out ‘Hurray! Now for it! Soo-soo-soo!’ that nobleman being + uncommonly angry still at Rosalba’s refusal of him. + </p> + <p> + But O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O extraordinary + coincidence, which I am sure none of you could BY ANY POSSIBILITY have + divined! When the lions came to Rosalba, instead of devouring her with + their great teeth, it was with kisses they gobbled her up! They licked her + pretty feet, they nuzzled their noses in her lap, they moo’d, they seemed + to say, ‘Dear, dear sister don’t you recollect your brothers in the + forest?’ And she put her pretty white arms round their tawny necks, and + kissed them. + </p> + <p> + King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo was extremely + disgusted. ‘Pooh!’ the Count cried. ‘Gammon!’ exclaimed his Lordship.’ + These lions are tame beasts come from Wombwell’s or Astley’s. It is a + shame to put people off in this way. I believe they are little boys + dressed up in door-mats. They are no lions at all.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ha!’ said the King, ‘you dare to say “gammon” to your Sovereign, do you? + These lions are no lions at all, aren’t they? Ho! my beef-eaters! Ho! my + bodyguard! Take this Count Hogginarmo and fling him into the circus! Give + him a sword and buckler, let him keep his armour on, and his weather-eye + out, and fight these lions.’ + </p> + <p> + The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked scowling + round at the King and his attendants. ‘Touch me not, dogs!’ he said, ‘or + by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will gore you! Your Majesty thinks Hogginarmo + is afraid? No, not of a hundred thousand lions! Follow me down into the + circus, King Padella, and match thyself against one of yon brutes. Thou + darest not. Let them both come on, then!’ And opening a grating of the + box, he jumped lightly down into the circus. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + WURRA WURRA WURRA WUR-AW-AW-AW!!! + In about two minutes + The Count Hogginarmo was + GOBBLED UP + by + those lions, + bones, boots, and all, + and + There was an + End of him. +</pre> + <p> + At this, the King said, ‘Serve him right, the rebellious ruffian! And now, + as those lions won’t eat that young woman—’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Let her off!—let her off!’ cried the crowd. + </p> + <p> + ‘NO!’ roared the King. ‘Let the beef-eaters go down and chop her into + small pieces. If the lions defend her, let the archers shoot them to + death. That hussy shall die in tortures!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘A-a-ah!’ cried the crowd. ‘Shame! shame!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Who dares cry out shame?’ cried the furious potentate (so little can + tyrants command their passions). ‘Fling any scoundrel who says a word down + among the lions!’ + </p> + <p> + I warrant you there was a dead silence then, which was broken by a Pang + arang pang pangkarangpang, and a Knight and a Herald rode in at the + further end of the circus: the Knight, in full armour, with his vizor up, + and bearing a letter on the point of his lance. + </p> + <p> + ‘Ha!’ exclaimed the King, ‘by my fey, ‘tis Elephant and Castle, pursuivant + of my brother of Paflagonia; and the Knight, an’ my memory serves me, is + the gallant Captain Hedzoff! What news from Paflagonia, gallant Hedzoff? + Elephant and Castle, beshrew me, thy trumpeting must have made thee + thirsty. What will my trusty herald like to drink?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Bespeaking first safe conduct from your Lordship,’ said Captain Hedzoff, + ‘before we take a drink of anything, permit us to deliver our King’s + message.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My Lordship, ha!’ said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. ‘That title + soundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned King. Straightway speak + out your message, Knight and Herald!’ + </p> + <p> + Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the King’s + balcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and bade him begin. + </p> + <p> + Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, took a large + sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to read:— + </p> + <p> + ‘O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these presents, that we, Giglio, + King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign Prince of Turkey + and the Sausage Islands, having assumed our rightful throne and title, + long time falsely borne by our usurping Uncle, styling himself King of + Paflagonia—’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ha!’ growled Padella. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King of Crim + Tartary—’ + </p> + <p> + The King’s curses were dreadful. ‘Go on, Elephant and Castle!’ said the + intrepid Hedzoff. + </p> + <p> + ‘—To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and rightful + Sovereign, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore her to her royal + throne: in default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the said Padella sneak, + traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I challenge him to meet me, with + fists or with pistols, with battle-axe or sword, with blunderbuss or + singlestick, alone or at the head of his army, on foot or on horseback; + and will prove my words upon his wicked ugly body!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘God save the King!’ said Captain Hedzoff, executing a demivolte, two + semilunes, and three caracols. + </p> + <p> + ‘Is that all?’ said Padella, with the terrific calm of concentrated fury. + </p> + <p> + ‘That, sir, is all my royal master’s message. Here is His Majesty’s letter + in autograph, and here is his glove, and if any gentleman of Crim Tartary + chooses to find fault with His Majesty’s expressions, I, Tuffskin Hedzoff, + Captain of the Guard, am very much at his service,’ and he waved his + lance, and looked at the assembly all round. + </p> + <p> + ‘And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son’s father-in-law, + to this rubbish?’ asked the King. + </p> + <p> + ‘The King’s uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly wore,’ said + Hedzoff gravely. ‘He and his axminister, Glumboso, are now in prison + waiting the sentence of my royal master. After the battle of Bombardaro—’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Of what?’ asked the surprised Padella. + </p> + <p> + ‘Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present Majesty, would have performed + prodigies of velour, but that the whole of his uncle’s army came over to + our side, with the exception of Prince Bulbo.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!’ cried Padella. + </p> + <p> + ‘Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir; but I caught + him. The Prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most terrific tortures + await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba’s head is injured.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Do they?’ exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly LIVID with + rage.’ Do they indeed? So much the worse for Bulbo. I’ve twenty sons as + lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as fit to reign as Bulbo. Whip, + whack, flog, starve, rack, punish, torture Bulbo—break all his bones—roast + him or flay him alive—pull all his pretty teeth out one by one! But + justly dear as Bulbo is to me,—joy of my eyes, fond treasure of my + soul!—Ha, ha, ha, ha! revenge is dearer still. Ho! tortures, + rack-men, executioners—light up the fires and make the pincers hot! + get lots of boiling lead!—Bring out ROSALBA!’ + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO + </h2> + <p> + Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel command, + having done his duty in delivering the message with which his royal master + had entrusted him. Of course he was very sorry for Rosalba, but what could + he do? + </p> + <p> + So he returned to King Giglio’s camp, and found the young monarch in a + disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the royal tent. His Majesty’s + agitation was not appeased by the news that was brought by his ambassador. + ‘The brutal ruthless ruffian royal wretch!’ Giglio exclaimed. ‘As + England’s poesy has well remarked, “The man that lays his hand upon a + woman, save in the way of kindness, is a villain.” Ha, Hedzoff!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘That he is, your Majesty,’ said the attendant. + </p> + <p> + ‘And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and didn’t the soothing oil—the + emollient oil, refuse to boil, good Hedzoff—and to spoil the fairest + lady ever eyes did look on?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a beauteous lady + boiling down; I took your royal message to Padella, and bore his back to + you. I told him you would hold Prince Bulbo answerable. He only said that + he had twenty sons as good as Bulbo, and forthwith he bade the ruthless + executioners proceed.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘O cruel father—O unhappy son!’ cried the King. ‘Go, some of you, + and bring Prince Bulbo hither.’ + </p> + <p> + Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. Though a + prisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because his mind was at + rest, and all the fighting was over, and he was playing at marbles with + his guards when the King sent for him. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, my poor Bulbo,’ said His Majesty, with looks of infinite compassion, + ‘hast thou heard the news?’ (for you see Giglio wanted to break the thing + gently to the Prince), ‘thy brutal father has condemned Rosalba—p-p-p-ut + her to death, P-p-p-prince Bulbo!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo,’ cried out Bulbo. ‘Betsinda! pretty + Betsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the dearest little girl in the world. I + love her better twenty thousand times even than Angelica,’ and he went on + expressing his grief in so hearty and unaffected a manner that the King + was quite touched by it, and said, shaking Bulbo’s hand, that he wished he + had known Bulbo sooner. + </p> + <p> + Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered to come and + sit with His Majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, and console him. The + ROYAL KINDNESS supplied Bulbo with a cigar; he had not had one, he said, + since he was taken prisoner. + </p> + <p> + And now think what must have been the feelings of the most MERCIFUL OF + MONARCHS, when he informed his prisoner that, in consequence of King + Padella’s cruel and DASTARDLY BEHAVIOUR to Rosalba, Prince Bulbo must + instantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not restrain his tears, nor + could the Grenadiers, nor the officers, nor could Bulbo himself, when the + matter was explained to him, and he was brought to understand that His + Majesty’s promise, of course, was ABOVE EVERY THING, and Bulbo must + submit. So poor Bulbo was led out, Hedzoff trying to console him, by + pointing out that if he had won the battle of Bombardaro, he might have + hanged Prince Giglio. ‘Yes! But that is no comfort to me now!’ said poor + Bulbo; nor indeed was it, poor fellow! + </p> + <p> + He was told the business would be done the next morning at eight, and was + taken back to his dungeon, where every attention was paid to him. The + gaoler’s wife sent him tea, and the turnkey’s daughter begged him to write + his name in her album, where a many gentlemen had written it on like + occasions! ‘Bother your album!’ says Bulbo. The Undertaker came and + measured him for the handsomest coffin which money could buy—even + this didn’t console Bulbo. The Cook brought him dishes which he once used + to like; but he wouldn’t touch them: he sat down and began writing an + adieu to Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawing + nearer to next morning. The Barber came in at night, and offered to shave + him for the next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and went on writing a + few words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the + hands hopping nearer and nearer to next morning. He got up on the top of a + hatbox, on the top of a chair, on the top of his bed, on the top of his + table, and looked out to see whether he might escape as the clock kept + always ticking and the hands drawing nearer, and nearer, and nearer. + </p> + <p> + But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping another: and the + town clock struck seven. So he got into bed for a little sleep, but the + gaoler came and woke him, and said, ‘Git up, your Royal Ighness, if you + please, it’s TEN MINUTES TO EIGHT!’ + </p> + <p> + So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his clothes (the lazy boy), + and he shook himself, and said he didn’t mind about dressing, or having + any breakfast, thank you; and he saw the soldiers who had come for him. + ‘Lead on!’ he said; and they led the way, deeply affected; and they came + into the courtyard, and out into the square, and there was King Giglio + come to take leave of him, and His Majesty most kindly shook hands with + him, and the ‘Take off that marched on:—when hark! + </p> + <p> + Haw—wurraw—wurraw—aworr! + </p> + <p> + A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding into the town, + frightening away the boys, and even the beadle and policeman, but ROSALBA! + </p> + <p> + The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court of + Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, the lions made a + dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six beef-eaters in a jiffy, and away + they went with Rosalba on the back of one of them, and they carried her, + turn and turn about, till they came to the city where Prince Giglio’s army + was encamped. + </p> + <p> + When the KING heard of the QUEEN’S arrival, you may think how he rushed + out of his breakfast-room to hand Her Majesty off her lion! The lions were + grown as fat as pigs now, having had Hogginarmo and all those beefeaters, + and were so tame, anybody might pat them. + </p> + <p> + While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped the Princess, Bulbo, for + his part, rushed up and kissed the lion. He flung his arms round the + forest monarch; he hugged him, and laughed and cried for joy. ‘Oh, you + darling old beast, oh, how glad I am to see you, and the dear, dear Bets—that + is, Rosalba.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What, is it you? poor Bulbo!’ said the Queen.’ Oh, how glad I am to see + you,’ and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio slapped him most + kindly on the back, and said, ‘Bulbo, my boy, I am delighted, for your + sake, that Her Majesty has arrived.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘So am I,’ said Bulbo; ‘and YOU KNOW WHY.’ Captain Hedzoff here came up. + ‘Sire, it is half-past eight: shall we proceed with the execution?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Execution! what for?’ asked Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + ‘An officer only knows his orders,’ replied Captain Hedzoff, showing his + warrant, on which His Majesty King Giglio smilingly said, ‘Prince Bulbo + was reprieved this time,’ and most graciously invited him to breakfast. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT + </h2> + <p> + As soon as King Padella heard, what we know already, that his victim, the + lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, His Majesty’s fury knew no bounds, and he + pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chamberlain, and every officer of the + Crown whom he could set eyes on, into the cauldron of boiling oil prepared + for the Princess. Then he ordered out his whole army, horse, foot, and + artillery; and set forth at the head of an innumerable host, and I should + think twenty thousand drummers, trumpeters, and fifers. + </p> + <p> + King Giglio’s advance guard, you may be sure, kept that monarch acquainted + with the enemy’s dealings, and he was in nowise disconcerted. He was much + too polite to alarm the Princess, his lovely guest, with any unnecessary + rumours of battles impending; on the contrary, he did everything to amuse + and divert her; gave her a most elegant breakfast, dinner, lunch, and got + up a ball for her that evening, when he danced with her every single + dance. + </p> + <p> + Poor Bulbo was taken into favour again, and allowed to go quite free now. + He had new clothes given him, was called ‘My good cousin’ by His Majesty, + and was treated with the greatest distinction by everybody. But it was + easy to see he was very melancholy. The fact is, the sight of Betsinda, + who looked perfectly lovely in an elegant new dress, set poor Bulbo + frantic in love with her again. And he never thought about Angelica, now + Princess Bulbo, whom he had left at home, and who, as we know, did not + care much about him. + </p> + <p> + The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosalba, remarked with + wonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba told him how she had got it + from Gruffanuff, who no doubt had picked it up when Angelica flung it + away. + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes,’ says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young people, + and who had very likely certain plans regarding them. ‘That ring I gave + the Queen, Giglio’s mother, who was not, saving your presence, a very wise + woman; it is enchanted, and whoever wears it looks beautiful in the eyes + of the world, I made poor Prince Bulbo, when he was christened, the + present of a rose which made him look handsome while he had it; but he + gave it to Angelica, who instantly looked beautiful again, whilst Bulbo + relapsed into his natural plainness.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure,’ says Giglio, with a low bow. ‘She is + beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any enchanted aid.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, sir!’ said Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + ‘Take off the ring and try,’ said the King, and resolutely drew the ring + off her finger. In HIS eyes she looked just as handsome as before! + </p> + <p> + The King was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so dangerous + and made all the people so mad about Rosalba; but being a Prince of great + humour, and good humour too, he cast eyes upon a poor youth who happened + to be looking on very disconsolately, and said— + </p> + <p> + ‘Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring. The Princess Rosalba makes + it a present to you.’ + </p> + <p> + The magic properties of this ring were uncommonly strong, for no sooner + had Bulbo put it on, but lo and behold, he appeared a personable, + agreeable young Prince enough—with a fine complexion, fair hair, + rather stout, and with bandy legs; but these were encased in such a + beautiful pair of yellow morocco boots that nobody remarked them. And + Bulbo’s spirits rose up almost immediately after he had looked in the + glass, and he talked to their Majesties in the most lively, agreeable + manner, and danced opposite the Queen with one of the prettiest maids of + honour, and after looking at Her Majesty, could not help saying— + </p> + <p> + ‘How very odd! she is very pretty, but not so EXTRAORDINARILY handsome.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh no, by no means!’ says the Maid of Honour. + </p> + <p> + ‘But what care I, dear sir,’ says the Queen, who overheard them, ‘if YOU + think I am good-looking enough?’ + </p> + <p> + His Majesty’s glance in reply to this affectionate speech was such that no + painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick said, ‘Bless you, my + darling children! Now you are united and happy; and now you see what I + said from the first, that a little misfortune has done you both good. YOU, + Giglio, had you been bred in prosperity, would scarcely have learned to + read or write—you would have been idle and extravagant, and could + not have been a good King as now you will be. You, Rosalba, would have + been so flattered, that your little head might have been turned like + Angelica’s, who thought herself too good for Giglio.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘As if anybody could be good enough for HIM,’ cried Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, you, you darling!’ says Giglio. And so she was; and he was just + holding out his arms in order to give her a hug before the whole company, + when a messenger came rushing in, and said, ‘My Lord, the enemy!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘To arms!’ cries Giglio. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, mercy!’ says Rosalba, and fainted of course. + </p> + <p> + He snatched one kiss from her lips, and rushed FORTH TO THE FIELD of + battle! + </p> + <p> + The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armour, which was not + only embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to your eyes to look + at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and sword-proof; so that in the midst + of the very hottest battles His Majesty rode about as calmly as if he had + been a British Grenadier at Alma. Were I engaged in fighting for my + country, <i>I</i> should like such a suit of armour as Prince Giglio wore; + but, you know, he was a Prince of a fairy tale, and they always have these + wonderful things. + </p> + <p> + Besides the fairy armour, the Prince had a fairy horse, which would gallop + at any pace you pleased; and a fairy sword, which would lengthen and run + through a whole regiment of enemies at once. With such a weapon at + command, I wonder, for my part, he thought of ordering his army out; but + forth they all came, in magnificent new uniforms, Hedzoff and the Prince’s + two college friends each commanding a division, and His Majesty prancing + in person at the head of them all. + </p> + <p> + Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear friends, would I + not now entertain you with the account of a most tremendous shindy? Should + not fine blows be struck? dreadful wounds be delivered? arrows darken the + air? cannon balls crash through the battalions? cavalry charge infantry? + infantry pitch into cavalry? bugles blow; drums beat; horses neigh; fifes + sing; soldiers roar, swear, hurray; officers shout out ‘Forward, my men!’ + ‘This way, lads!’ ‘Give it ‘em, boys!’ ‘Fight for King Giglio, and the + cause of right!’ ‘King Padella for ever!’ Would I not describe all this, I + say, and in the very finest language too? But this humble pen does not + possess the skill necessary for the description of combats. In a word, the + overthrow of King Padella’s army was so complete, that if they had been + Russians you could not have wished them to be more utterly smashed and + confounded. + </p> + <p> + As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of velour much more + considerable than could be expected of a royal ruffian and usurper, who + had such a bad cause, and who was so cruel to women,—as for King + Padella, I say, when his army ran away, the King ran away too, kicking his + first general, Prince Punchikoff, from his saddle, and galloping away on + the Prince’s horse, having, indeed, had twenty-five or twenty-six of his + own shot under him. Hedzoff coming up, and finding Punchikoff down, as you + may imagine, very speedily disposed of HIM. Meanwhile King Padella was + scampering off as hard as his horse could lay legs to ground. Fast as he + scampered, I promise you somebody else galloped faster; and that + individual, as no doubt you are aware, was the Royal Giglio, who kept + bawling out, ‘Stay, traitor! Turn, miscreant, and defend thyself! Stand, + tyrant, coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cut thy ugly head from thy + usurping shoulders!’ And, with his fairy sword, which elongated itself at + will, His Majesty kept poking and prodding Padella in the back, until that + wicked monarch roared with anguish. + </p> + <p> + When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt Prince Giglio + a prodigious crack over the sconce with his battle-axe, a most enormous + weapon, which had cut down I don’t know how many regiments in the course + of the afternoon. But, Law bless you! though the blow fell right down on + His Majesty’s helmet, it made no more impression than if Padella had + struck him with a pat of butter: his battle-axe crumpled up in Padella’s + hand, and the Royal Giglio laughed for very scorn at the impotent efforts + of that atrocious usurper. + </p> + <p> + At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar monarch was justly + irritated. ‘If,’ says he to Giglio, ‘you ride a fairy horse, and wear + fairy armour, what on earth is the use of my hitting you? I may as well + give myself up a prisoner at once. Your Majesty won’t, I suppose, be so + mean as to strike a poor fellow who can’t strike again?’ + </p> + <p> + The justice of Padella’s remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. ‘Do you + yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?’ says he. + </p> + <p> + ‘Of course I do,’ says Padella. + </p> + <p> + ‘Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful Queen, and give up the crown + and all your treasures to your rightful mistress?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘If I must, I must,’ says Padella, who was naturally very sulky. + </p> + <p> + By this time King Giglio’s aides-de-camp had come up, whom His Majesty + ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands behind him, and + bound his legs tight under his horse, having set him with his face to the + tail; and in this fashion he was led back to King Giglio’s quarters, and + thrust into the very dungeon where young Bulbo had been confined. + </p> + <p> + Padella (who was a very different person in the depth of his distress, to + Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar crown), now most + affectionately and earnestly asked to see his son—his dear eldest + boy—his darling Bulbo; and that good-natured young man never once + reproached his haughty parent for his unkind conduct the day before, when + he would have left Bulbo to be shot without any pity, but came to see his + father, and spoke to him through the grating of the door, beyond which he + was not allowed to go; and brought him some sandwiches from the grand + supper which His Majesty was giving above stairs, in honour of the + brilliant victory which had just been achieved. + </p> + <p> + ‘I cannot stay with you long, sir,’ says Bulbo, who was in his best ball + dress, as he handed his father in the prog, ‘I am engaged to dance the + next quadrille with Her Majesty Queen Rosalba, and I hear the fiddles + playing at this very moment.’ + </p> + <p> + So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the wretched Padella ate his + solitary supper in silence and tears. + </p> + <p> + All was now joy in King Giglio’s circle. Dancing, feasting, fun, + illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. The people through + whose villages they passed were ordered to illuminate their cottages at + night, and scatter flowers on the roads during the day. They were + requested, and I promise you they did not like to refuse, to serve the + troops liberally with eatables and wine; besides, the army was enriched by + the immense quantity of plunder which was found in King Padella’s camp, + and taken from his soldiers; who (after they had given up everything) were + allowed to fraternise with the conquerors; and the united forces marched + back by easy stages towards King Giglio’s capital, his royal banner and + that of Queen Rosalba being carried in front of the troops. Hedzoff was + made a Duke and a Field-Marshal. Smith and Jones were promoted to be + Earls; the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and the Paflagonian decoration + of the Cucumber were freely distributed by their Majesties to the army. + Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian Ribbon of the Cucumber across her + riding-habit, whilst King Giglio never appeared without the grand Cordon + of the Pumpkin. How the people cheered them as they rode along side by + side! They were pronounced to be the handsomest couple ever seen: that was + a matter of course; but they really WERE very handsome, and, had they been + otherwise, would have looked so, they were so happy! Their Majesties were + never separated during the whole day, but breakfasted, dined, and supped + together always, and rode side by side, interchanging elegant compliments, + and indulging in the most delightful conversation. At night, Her Majesty’s + ladies of honour (who had all rallied round her the day after King + Padella’s defeat) came and conducted her to the apartments prepared for + her; whilst King Giglio, surrounded by his gentlemen, withdrew to his own + Royal quarters. It was agreed they should be married as soon as they + reached the capital, and orders were dispatched to the Archbishop of + Blombodinga, to hold himself in readiness to perform the interesting + ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carried the message, and gave instructions to have + the Royal Castle splendidly refurnished and painted afresh. The Duke + seized Glumboso, the Ex-Prime Minister, and made him refund that + considerable sum of money which the old scoundrel had secreted out of the + late King’s treasure. He also clapped Valoroso into prison (who, by the + way, had been dethroned for some considerable period past), and when the + Ex-Monarch weakly remonstrated, Hedzoff said, ‘A soldier, sir, knows but + his duty; my orders are to lock you up along with the Ex-King Padella, + whom I have brought hither a prisoner under guard.’ So these two Ex-Royal + personages were sent for a year to the House of Correction, and thereafter + were obliged to become monks of the severest Order of Flagellants, in + which state, by fasting, by vigils, by flogging (which they administered + to one another, humbly but resolutely), no doubt they exhibited a + repentance for their past misdeeds, usurpations, and private and public + crimes. + </p> + <p> + As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never had an + opportunity to steal any more. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL + </h2> + <p> + The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young King and Queen had + certainly won their respective crowns back, would come not unfrequently, + to pay them a little visit—as they were riding in their triumphal + progress towards Giglio’s capital—change her wand into a pony, and + travel by their Majesties’ side, giving them the very best advice. I am + not sure that King Giglio did not think the Fairy and her advice rather a + bore, fancying it was his own velour and merits which had put him on his + throne, and conquered Padella: and, in fine, I fear he rather gave himself + airs towards his best friend and patroness. She exhorted him to deal + justly by his subjects, to draw mildly on the taxes, never to break his + promise when he had once given it—and in all respects to be a good + King. + </p> + <p> + ‘A good King, my dear Fairy!’ cries Rosalba. ‘Of course he will. Break his + promise! can you fancy my Giglio would ever do anything so improper, so + unlike him? No! never!’ And she looked fondly towards Giglio, whom she + thought a pattern of perfection. + </p> + <p> + ‘Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how to manage + my government, and warning me to keep my word? Does she suppose that I am + not a man of sense, and a man of honour?’ asks Giglio testily. ‘Methinks + she rather presumes upon her position.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Hush! dear Giglio,’ says Rosalba. ‘You know Blackstick has been very kind + to us, and we must not offend her.’ But the Fairy was not listening to + Giglio’s testy observations, she had fallen back, and was trotting on her + pony now, by Master Bulbo’s side, who rode a donkey, and made himself + generally beloved in the army by his cheerfulness, kindness, and + good-humour to everybody. He was eager to see his darling Angelica. He + thought there never was such a charming being. Blackstick did not tell him + it was the possession of the magic rose that made Angelica so lovely in + his eyes. She brought him the very best accounts of his little wife, whose + misfortunes and humiliations had indeed very greatly improved her; and, + you see, she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a minute, and + be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from Bulbo to Angelica, + and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that young man upon his journey. + </p> + <p> + When the Royal party arrived at the last stage before you reach + Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there with her lady + of honour by her side, but the Princess Angelica! She rushed into her + husband’s arms, scarcely stopping to make a passing curtsey to the King + and Queen. She had no eyes but for Bulbo, who appeared perfectly lovely to + her on account of the fairy ring which he wore; whilst she herself, + wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, seemed entirely beautiful to the + enraptured Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal party, of which the + Archbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff, Countess Gruffanuff, and all our + friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated on the left of King + Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. You could hear the joy-bells + ringing in the capital, and the guns which the citizens were firing off in + honour of their Majesties. + </p> + <p> + ‘What can have induced that hideous old Gruffanuff to dress herself up in + such an absurd way? Did you ask her to be your bridesmaid, my dear?’ says + Giglio to Rosalba. ‘What a figure of fun Gruffy is!’ + </p> + <p> + Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties, between the Archbishop and the + Lord Chancellor, and a figure of fun she certainly was, for she was + dressed in a low white silk dress, with lace over, a wreath of white roses + on her wig, a splendid lace veil, and her yellow old neck was covered with + diamonds. She ogled the King in such a manner that His Majesty burst out + laughing. + </p> + <p> + ‘Eleven o’clock!’ cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell of Blombodinga + tolled that hour. ‘Gentlemen and ladies, we must be starting. Archbishop, + you must be at church, I think, before twelve?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘We must be at church before twelve,’ sighs out Gruffanuff in a + languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan. + </p> + <p> + ‘And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions,’ cries Giglio, with + an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!’ exclaims Gruffanuff; ‘and can it be + that this happy moment at length has arrived—’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Of course it has arrived,’ says the King. + </p> + <p> + ‘—and that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my adored + Giglio!’ continues Gruffanuff. ‘Lend me a smelling-bottle, somebody. I + certainly shall faint with joy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘YOU my bride?’ roars out Giglio. + </p> + <p> + ‘YOU marry my Prince?’ cried poor little Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + ‘Pooh! Nonsense! The woman’s mad!’ exclaims the King. And all the + courtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions, marks of + surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder. + </p> + <p> + ‘I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am not?’ + shrieks out Gruffanuff. ‘I should like to know if King Giglio is a + gentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice in Paflagonia? Lord + Chancellor! my Lord Archbishop! will your Lordships sit by and see a poor, + fond, confiding, tender creature put upon? Has not Prince Giglio promised + to marry his Barbara? Is not this Giglio’s signature? Does not this paper + declare that he is mine, and only mine?’ And she handed to his Grace the + Archbishop the document which the Prince signed that evening when she wore + the magic ring, and Giglio drank so much champagne. And the old + Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses, read— + </p> + <p> + “‘This is to give notice, that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of + Paflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming Barbara Griselda, + Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq.” + </p> + <p> + ‘H’m,’ says the Archbishop, ‘the document is certainly a—a + document.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Phoo!’ says the Lord Chancellor, ‘the signature is not in His Majesty’s + handwriting.’ Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, Giglio had made an + immense improvement in caligraphy. + </p> + <p> + ‘Is it your handwriting, Giglio?’ cries the Fairy Blackstick, with an + awful severity of countenance. + </p> + <p> + ‘Y—y—y—es,’ poor Giglio gasps out, ‘I had quite + forgotten the confounded paper: she can’t mean to hold me by it. You old + wretch, what will you take to let me off? Help the Queen, some one—Her + Majesty has fainted.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Chop her head off!’ } exclaim the impetuous ‘Smother the old witch!’ } + Hedzoff, the ardent Smith, and ‘Pitch her into the river!’ } the faithful + Jones. + </p> + <p> + But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the Archbishop’s neck, and bellowed + out, ‘Justice, justice, my Lord Chancellor!’ so loudly, that her piercing + shrieks caused everybody to pause. As for Rosalba, she was borne away + lifeless by her ladies; and you may imagine the look of agony which Giglio + cast towards that lovely being, as his hope, his joy, his darling, his all + in all, was thus removed, and in her place the horrid old Gruffanuff + rushed up to his side, and once more shrieked out, ‘Justice, justice!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Won’t you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid?’ says Giglio; ‘two + hundred and eighteen thousand millions, or thereabouts. It’s a handsome + sum.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I will have that and you too!’ says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain,’ gasps out Giglio. + </p> + <p> + ‘I will wear them by my Giglio’s side!’ says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + ‘Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths, nineteen-twentieths, of my + kingdom do, Countess?’ asks the trembling monarch. + </p> + <p> + ‘What were all Europe to me without YOU, my Giglio?’ cries Gruff, kissing + his hand. + </p> + <p> + ‘I won’t, I can’t, I shan’t,—I’ll resign the crown first,’ shouts + Giglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff clung to it. + </p> + <p> + ‘I have a competency, my love,’ she says, ‘and with thee and a cottage thy + Barbara will be happy.’ + </p> + <p> + Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. ‘I will not marry her,’ says + he. ‘Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me counsel?’ And as he spoke he looked wildly + round at the severe face of the Fairy Blackstick. + </p> + <p> + “‘Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to keep my + word? Does she suppose that I am not a man of honour?”’ said the Fairy, + quoting Giglio’s own haughty words. He quailed under the brightness of her + eyes; he felt that there was no escape for him from that awful + inquisition. + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, Archbishop,’ said he in a dreadful voice, that made his Grace + start, ‘since this Fairy has led me to the height of happiness but to dash + me down into the depths of despair, since I am to lose Rosalba, let me at + least keep my honour. Get up, Countess, and let us be married; I can keep + my word, but I can die afterwards.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, dear Giglio,’ cries Gruffanuff, skipping up, ‘I knew, I knew I could + trust thee—I knew that my Prince was the soul of honour. Jump into + your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and let us go to church at once; and + as for dying, dear Giglio, no, no:—thou wilt forget that + insignificant little chambermaid of a Queen—thou wilt live to be + consoled by thy Barbara! She wishes to be a Queen, and not a Queen + Dowager, my gracious Lord!’ And hanging upon poor Giglio’s arm, and + leering and grinning in his face in the most disgusting manner, this old + wretch tripped off in her white satin shoes, and jumped into the very + carriage which had been got ready to convey Giglio and Rosalba to church. + The cannons roared again, the bells pealed triple-bobmajors, the people + came out flinging flowers upon the path of the royal bride and bridegroom, + and Gruff looked out of the gilt coach window and bowed and grinned to + them. Phoo! the horrid old wretch! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME + </h2> + <p> + The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess Rosalba + prodigious strength of mind, and that highly principled young woman + presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of which Fairy Blackstick, + by a precious essence which the Fairy always carried in her pocket, + awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying, and bemoaning herself, + and fainting again, as many young women would have done, Rosalba + remembered that she owed an example of firmness to her subjects; and + though she loved Giglio more than her life, was determined, as she told + the Fairy, not to interfere between him and justice, or to cause him to + break his royal word. + </p> + <p> + ‘I cannot marry him, but I shall love him always,’ says she to Blackstick; + ‘I will go and be present at his marriage with the Countess, and sign the + book, and wish them happy with all my heart. I will see, when I get home, + whether I cannot make the new Queen some handsome presents. The Crim + Tartary crown diamonds are uncommonly fine, and I shall never have any use + for them. I will live and die unmarried like Queen Elizabeth, and, of + course, I shall leave my crown to Giglio when I quit this world. Let us go + and see them married, my dear Fairy, let me say one last farewell to him; + and then, if you please, I will return to my own dominions.’ + </p> + <p> + So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at once changed + her wand into a very comfortable coach-and-four, with a steady coachman, + and two respectable footmen behind, and the Fairy and Rosalba got into the + coach, which Angelica and Bulbo entered after them. As for honest Bulbo, + he was blubbering in the most pathetic manner, quite overcome by Rosalba’s + misfortune. She was touched by the honest fellow’s sympathy, promised to + restore to him the confiscated estates of Duke Padella his father, and + created him, as he sat there in the coach, Prince, Highness, and First + Grandee of the Crim Tartar Empire. The coach moved on, and, being a fairy + coach, soon came up with the bridal procession. + </p> + <p> + Before the ceremony at church it was the custom in Paflagonia, as it is in + other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to sign the Contract of + Marriage, which was to be witnessed by the Chancellor, Minister, Lord + Mayor, and principal officers of state. Now, as the royal palace was being + painted and furnished anew, it was not ready for the reception of the King + and his bride, who proposed at first to take up their residence at the + Prince’s palace, that one which Valoroso occupied when Angelica was born, + and before he usurped the throne. + </p> + <p> + So the marriage party drove up to the palace: the dignitaries got out of + their carriages and stood aside: poor Rosalba stepped out of her coach, + supported by Bulbo, and stood almost fainting up against the railings so + as to have a last look of her dear Giglio. As for Blackstick, she, + according to her custom, had flown out of the coach window in some + inscrutable manner, and was now standing at the palace door. + </p> + <p> + Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride on his arm, looking as + pale as if he was going to execution. He only frowned at the Fairy + Blackstick—he was angry with her, and thought she came to insult his + misery. + </p> + <p> + ‘Get out of the way, pray,’ says Gruffanuff haughtily. ‘I wonder why you + are always poking your nose into other people’s affairs?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Are you determined to make this poor young man unhappy?’ says Blackstick. + </p> + <p> + ‘To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours? Pray, madam, don’t say + “you” to a Queen,’ cries Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + ‘You won’t take the money he offered you?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘No.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You won’t let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated him when + you made him sign the paper?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!’ cries Gruffanuff. And the + policemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her wand the Fairy + struck them all like so many statues in their places. + </p> + <p> + ‘You won’t take anything in exchange for your bond, Mrs. Gruffanuff,’ + cries the Fairy, with awful severity. ‘I speak for the last time.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘No!’ shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. ‘I’ll have my husband, + my husband, my husband!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!’ the Fairy Blackstick cried; and advancing a + step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER. + </p> + <p> + As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open mouth + opened still wider, and uttered a roar which made everybody start. The + eyes rolled wildly; the arms and legs uncurled themselves, writhed about, + and seemed to lengthen with each twist; the knocker expanded into a figure + in yellow livery, six feet high; the screws by which it was fixed to the + door unloosed themselves, and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once more trod the + threshold off which he had been lifted more than twenty years ago! + </p> + <p> + ‘Master’s not at home,’ says Jenkins, just in his old voice; and Mrs. + Jenkins, giving a dreadful YOUP, fell down in a fit, in which nobody + minded her. + </p> + <p> + For everybody was shouting, ‘Huzzay! huzzay!’ ‘Hip, hip, hurray!’ ‘Long + live the King and Queen!’ ‘Were such things ever seen?’ ‘No, never, never, + never!’ ‘The Fairy Blackstick for ever!’ + </p> + <p> + The bells were ringing double peals, the guns roaring and banging most + prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing everybody; the Lord Chancellor was + flinging up his wig and shouting like a madman; Hedzoff had got the + Archbishop round the waist, and they were dancing a jig for joy; and as + for Giglio, I leave you to imagine what HE was doing, and if he kissed + Rosalba once, twice—twenty thousand times, I’m sure I don’t think he + was wrong. + </p> + <p> + So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he had been + accustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the book, and then they + went to church and were married, and the Fairy Blackstick sailed away on + her cane, and was never more heard of in Paflagonia. + </p> + <p> + and here ends the Fireside Pantomime. + </p> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Rose and the Ring, by +William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ROSE AND THE RING *** + +***** This file should be named 897-h.htm or 897-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/8/9/897/ + +Produced by Dianne Bean and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Rose and the Ring + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: February 5, 2006 [EBook #897] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ROSE AND THE RING *** + + + + +Produced by Dianne Bean and David Widger + + + + + +THE ROSE AND THE RING + + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + + +PRELUDE + +It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season in a +foreign city where there were many English children. + +In that city, if you wanted to give a child's party, you could not even +get a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters--those funny painted +pictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, the Lady, the Dandy, the +Captain, and so on--with which our young ones are wont to recreate +themselves at this festive time. + +My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that lived in +the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my young charges +(it was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and Messrs. Spillmann, two +of the best pastrycooks in Christendom, have their shop on the ground +floor): Miss Bunch, I say, begged me to draw a set of Twelfth-Night +characters for the amusement of our young people. + +She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having looked +at the characters, she and I composed a history about them, which +was recited to the little folks at night, and served as our FIRESIDE +PANTOMIME. + +Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and Bulbo, +Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the Hall Porter +created a considerable sensation; and the wrath of Countess Gruffanuff +was received with extreme pleasure. + +If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others be +amused also? In a few days Dr. Birch's young friends will be expected +to reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn everything that +is useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers continue the business of +their little lives. + +But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and be as +pleasant as we can. And you elder folk--a little joking, and dancing, +and fooling will do even you no harm. The author wishes you a merry +Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fireside Pantomime. + +W. M. THACKERAY. December 1854. + + + + +CONTENTS + +I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SATE DOWN TO BREAKFAST + +II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT + +III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY GRAND +PERSONAGES BESIDES + +IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S CHRISTENING + +V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID + +VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF + +VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL + +VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO CAME TO +COURT + +IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING-PAN + +X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION + +XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA + +XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER + +XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT HOGGINARMO + +XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO + +XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA + +XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO + +XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT + +XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL + +XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME + + + + +THE ROSE AND THE RING + + + + +I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SATE DOWN TO BREAKFAST + +This is Valoroso XXIV., King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen and +only child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the letter +which announces to His Majesty a proposed visit from Prince Bulbo, heir +of Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. Remark the delight upon the +monarch's royal features. He is so absorbed in the perusal of the King +of Crim Tartary's letter, that he allows his eggs to get cold, and +leaves his august muffins untasted. + +'What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!' cries Princess +Angelica; 'so handsome, so accomplished, so witty--the conqueror of +Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!' + +'Who told you of him, my dear?' asks His Majesty. + +'A little bird,' says Angelica. + +'Poor Giglio!' says mamma, pouring out the tea. + +'Bother Giglio!' cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled with +a thousand curl-papers. + +'I wish,' growls the King--'I wish Giglio was. . .' + +'Was better? Yes, dear, he is better,' says the Queen. 'Angelica's +little maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my room this morning +with my early tea.' + +'You are always drinking tea,' said the monarch, with a scowl. + +'It is better than drinking port or brandy and water;' replies Her +Majesty. + +'Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea,' said +the King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his temper. +'Angelica! I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your milliners' bills +are long enough. My dear Queen, you must see and have some parties. I +prefer dinners, but of course you will be for balls. Your everlasting +blue velvet quite tires me: and, my love, I should like you to have a +new necklace. Order one. Not more than a hundred or a hundred and fifty +thousand pounds.' + +'And Giglio, dear?' says the Queen. + +'GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE--' + +'Oh, sir,' screams Her Majesty. 'Your own nephew! our late King's only +son.' + +'Giglio may go to the tailor's, and order the bills to be sent in to +Glumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. He need want +for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket-money, my dear; +and you may as well order yourself bracelets while you are about the +necklace, Mrs. V.' + +Her Majesty, or MRS. V., as the monarch facetiously called her (for +even royalty will have its sport, and this august family were very +much attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round her +daughter's waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to make all +things ready for the princely stranger. + +When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of the +HUSBAND and FATHER fled--the pride of the KING fled--the MAN was alone. +Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would describe Valoroso's torments +in the choicest language; in which I would also depict his flashing +eye, his distended nostril--his dressing-gown, pocket-handkerchief, and +boots. But I need not say I have NOT the pen of that novelist; suffice +it to say, Valoroso was alone. + +He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many +egg-cups with which his princely board was served for the matin meal, +drew out a bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and emptied the cup +several times, and laid it down with a hoarse 'Ha, ha, ha! now Valoroso +is a man again!' + +'But oh!' he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), 'ere I was a +king, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I detested the hot +brandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but nature's rill. It dashes not +more quickly o'er the rocks than I did, as, with blunderbuss in hand, +I brushed away the early morning dew, and shot the partridge, snipe, or +antlered deer! Ah! well may England's dramatist remark, "Uneasy lies +the head that wears a crown!" Why did I steal my nephew's, my young +Giglio's--? Steal! said I? no, no, no, not steal, not steal. Let me +withdraw that odious expression. I took, and on my manly head I set, the +royal crown of Paflagonia; I took, and with my royal arm I wield, the +sceptral rod of Paflagonia; I took, and in my outstretched hand I hold, +the royal orb of Paflagonia! Could a poor boy, a snivelling, drivelling +boy--was in his nurse's arms but yesterday, and cried for sugarplums and +puled for pap--bear up the awful weight of crown, orb, sceptre? gird +on the sword my royal fathers wore, and meet in fight the tough Crimean +foe?' + +And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we need +not say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had got it was +his duty to keep, and that, if at one time he had entertained ideas of a +certain restitution, which shall be nameless, the prospect by a CERTAIN +MARRIAGE of uniting two crowns and two nations which had been engaged +in bloody and expensive wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans had +been, put the idea of Giglio's restoration to the throne out of the +question: nay, were his own brother, King Savio, alive, he would +certainly will the crown from his own son in order to bring about such a +desirable union. + +Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we wish is +right! The King took courage, read the papers, finished his muffins +and eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. The Queen, after +thinking whether she should go up and see Giglio, who had been sick, +thought 'Not now. Business first; pleasure afterwards. I will go and see +dear Giglio this afternoon; and now I will drive to the jeweller's, to +look for the necklace and bracelets.' The Princess went up into her own +room, and made Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and as for +Giglio, they forgot him as much as I forget what I had for dinner last +Tuesday twelve-month. + + + + +II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT + +Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have been one +of those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not settled; for +when King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of the kingdom, and +guardian of Savio's orphan infant, this unfaithful regent took no sort +of regard of the late monarch's will; had himself proclaimed sovereign +of Paflagonia under the title of King Valoroso XXIV., had a most +splendid coronation, and ordered all the nobles of the kingdom to pay +him homage. So long as Valoroso gave them plenty of balls at Court, +plenty of money and lucrative places, the Paflagonian nobility did not +care who was king; and as for the people, in those early times, they +were equally indifferent. The Prince Giglio, by reason of his tender +age at his royal father's death, did not feel the loss of his crown and +empire. As long as he had plenty of toys and sweetmeats, a holiday +five times a week and a horse and gun to go out shooting when he grew +a little older, and, above all, the company of his darling cousin, the +King's only child, poor Giglio was perfectly contented; nor did he +envy his uncle the royal robes and sceptre, the great hot uncomfortable +throne of state, and the enormous cumbersome crown in which that monarch +appeared from morning till night. King Valoroso's portrait has been +left to us; and I think you will agree with me that he must have been +sometimes RATHER TIRED of his velvet, and his diamonds, and his ermine, +and his grandeur. I shouldn't like to sit in that stifling robe with +such a thing as that on my head. + +No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her youth; for though +she grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as shown in her +portrait, are certainly PLEASING. If she was fond of flattery, scandal, +cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently with her infirmities, which, +after all, may be no greater than our own. She was kind to her nephew; +and if she had any scruples of conscience about her husband's taking the +young Prince's crown, consoled herself by thinking that the King, though +a usurper, was a most respectable man, and that at his death Prince +Giglio would be restored to his throne, and share it with his cousin, +whom he loved so fondly. + +The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most cheerfully +swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands the monarch left +all the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso wanted was plenty of +money, plenty of hunting, plenty of flattery, and as little trouble as +possible. As long as he had his sport, this monarch cared little how +his people paid for it: he engaged in some wars, and of course +the Paflagonian newspapers announced that he had gained prodigious +victories: he had statues erected to himself in every city of the +empire; and of course his pictures placed everywhere, and in all the +print-shops: he was Valoroso the Magnanimous, Valoroso the Victorious, +Valoroso the Great, and so forth;--for even in these early times +courtiers and people knew how to flatter. + +This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, you may +be sure, was a paragon in the courtiers' eyes, in her parents', and in +her own. It was said she had the longest hair, the largest eyes, the +slimmest waist, the smallest foot, and the most lovely complexion of +any young lady in the Paflagonian dominions. Her accomplishments were +announced to be even superior to her beauty; and governesses used to +shame their idle pupils by telling them what Princess Angelica could do. +She could play the most difficult pieces of music at sight. She could +answer any one of Mangnall's Questions. She knew every date in the +history of Paflagonia, and every other country. She knew French, +English, Italian, German, Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Cappadocian, +Samothracian, Aegean, and Crim Tartar. In a word, she was a most +accomplished young creature; and her governess and lady-in-waiting was +the severe Countess Gruffanuff. + + +Would you not fancy, from this picture, that Gruffanuff must have been a +person of highest birth? She looks so haughty that I should have thought +her a princess at the very least, with a pedigree reaching as far back +as the Deluge. But this lady was no better born than many other ladies +who give themselves airs; and all sensible people laughed at her absurd +pretensions. The fact is, she had been maid-servant to the Queen when +Her Majesty was only Princess, and her husband had been head footman; +but after his death or DISAPPEARANCE, of which you shall hear presently, +this Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and wheedling her royal +mistress, became a favourite with the Queen (who was rather a weak +woman), and Her Majesty gave her a title, and made her nursery governess +to the Princess. + +And now I must tell you about the Princess's learning and +accomplishments, for which she had such a wonderful character. Clever +Angelica certainly was, but as IDLE as POSSIBLE. Play at sight, indeed! +she could play one or two pieces, and pretend that she had never seen +them before; she could answer half a dozen Mangnall's Questions; but +then you must take care to ask the RIGHT ones. As for her languages, +she had masters in plenty, but I doubt whether she knew more than a few +phrases in each, for all her presence; and as for her embroidery and her +drawing, she showed beautiful specimens, it is true, but WHO DID THEM? + +This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back ever so +far, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK. + + + + +III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY GRAND +PERSONAGES BESIDES + +Between the kingdoms of Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived a +mysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the Fairy +Blackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch which she carried; on which +she rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of business or +pleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. + +When she was young, and had been first taught the art of conjuring +by the necromancer, her father, she was always practicing her skill, +whizzing about from one kingdom to another upon her black stick, and +conferring her fairy favours upon this Prince or that. She had scores of +royal godchildren; turned numberless wicked people into beasts, birds, +millstones, clocks, pumps, boot jacks, umbrellas, or other absurd +shapes; and, in a word, was one of the most active and officious of the +whole College of fairies. + +But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I suppose +Blackstick grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, 'What good am I +doing by sending this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? by fixing a +black pudding on to that booby's nose? by causing diamonds and pearls to +drop from one little girl's mouth, and vipers and toads from another's? +I begin to think I do as much harm as good by my performances. I might +as well shut my incantations up, and allow things to take their natural +course. + +'There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio's wife, and Duke +Padella's wife, I gave them each a present, which was to render them +charming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure the affection of +those gentlemen as long as they lived. What good did my Rose and my Ring +do these two women? None on earth. From having all their whims indulged +by their husbands, they became capricious, lazy, ill-humoured, absurdly +vain, and leered and languished, and fancied themselves irresistibly +beautiful, when they were really quite old and hideous, the ridiculous +creatures! They used actually to patronise me when I went to pay them +a visit--ME, the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom of the +necromancers, and could have turned them into baboons, and all their +diamonds into strings of onions, by a single wave of my rod!' So +she locked up her books in her cupboard, declined further magical +performances, and scarcely used her wand at all except as a cane to walk +about with. + +So when Duke Padella's lady had a little son (the Duke was at that +time only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), Blackstick, +although invited to the christening, would not so much as attend; but +merely sent her compliments and a silver papboat for the baby, which was +really not worth a couple of guineas. About the same time the Queen +of Paflagonia presented His Majesty with a son and heir; and guns +were fired, the capital illuminated, and no end of feasts ordained to +celebrate the young Prince's birth. It was thought the fairy, who was +asked to be his godmother, would at least have presented him with an +invisible jacket, a flying horse, a Fortunatus's purse, or some other +valuable token of her favour; but instead, Blackstick went up to +the cradle of the child Giglio, when everybody was admiring him and +complimenting his royal papa and mamma, and said, 'My poor child, the +best thing I can send you is a little MISFORTUNE'; and this was all +she would utter, to the disgust of Giglio's parents, who died very soon +after, when Giglio's uncle took the throne, as we read in Chapter I. + +In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a christening +of his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy Blackstick, who had been invited, +was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio's case. Whilst everybody was +expatiating over the beauty of the darling child, and congratulating +its parents, the Fairy Blackstick looked very sadly at the baby and its +mother, and said, 'My good woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, and +no more minded a Queen than a washerwoman)--my good woman, these people +who are following you will be the first to turn against you; and as for +this little lady, the best thing I can wish her is a LITTLE MISFORTUNE.' +So she touched Rosalba with her black wand, looked severely at the +courtiers, motioned the Queen an adieu with her hand, and sailed slowly +up into the air out of the window. + +When she was gone, the Court people, who had been awed and silent in her +presence, began to speak. 'What an odious Fairy she is (they said)--a +pretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she went to the King of Paflagonia's +christening, and pretended to do all sorts of things for that family; +and what has happened--the Prince, her godson, has been turned off his +throne by his uncle. Would we allow our sweet Princess to be deprived of +her rights by any enemy? Never, never, never, never!' + +And they all shouted in a chorus, 'Never, never, never, never!' + +Now, I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers show +their fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore's vassals, the Duke Padella +just mentioned, rebelled against the King, who went out to chastise +his rebellious subject. 'Any one rebel against our beloved and august +Monarch!' cried the courtiers; 'any one resist HIM? Pooh! He is +invincible, irresistible. He will bring home Padella a prisoner, and tie +him to a donkey's tail, and drive him round the town, saying, "This is +the way the Great Cavolfiore treats rebels."' + +The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the poor Queen, who was a +very timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill that I am sorry +to say she died; leaving injunctions with her ladies to take care of +the dear little Rosalba.--Of course they said they would. Of course they +vowed they would die rather than any harm should happen to the Princess. +At first the Crim Tartar Court Journal stated that the King was +obtaining great victories over the audacious rebel: then it was +announced that the troops of the infamous Padella were in flight: then +it was said that the royal army would soon come up with the enemy, and +then--then the news came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slain +by His Majesty, King Padella the First! + +At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to the +conquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on all the +best articles in the palace; and poor little Rosalba was left there +quite alone--quite alone; and she toddled from one room to another, +crying, 'Countess! Duchess!' (Only she said 'Tountess, Duttess,' not +being able to speak plain) 'bring me my mutton sop; my Royal Highness +hungy! Tountess! Duttess!' And she went from the private apartments into +the throne-room and nobody was there;--and thence into the ballroom +and nobody was there;--and thence into the pages' room and nobody was +there;--and she toddled down the great staircase into the hall and +nobody was there;--and the door was open, and she went into the court, +and into the garden, and thence into the wilderness, and thence into the +forest where the wild beasts live, and was never heard of any more! + +A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the wood +in the mouths of two lionesses' cubs whom KING PADELLA and a royal +hunting party shot--for he was King now, and reigned over Crim Tartary. +'So the poor little Princess is done for,' said he; 'well, what's done +can't be helped. Gentlemen, let us go to luncheon!' And one of the +courtiers took up the shoe and put it in his pocket. And there was an +end of Rosalba! + + + + +IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S CHRISTENING + +When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did not ask +the Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave orders to their +porter absolutely to refuse her if she called. This porter's name +was Gruffanuff, and he had been selected for the post by their Royal +Highnesses because he was a very tall fierce man, who could say 'Not +at home' to a tradesman or an unwelcome visitor with a rudeness which +frightened most such persons away. He was the husband of that Countess +whose picture we have just seen, and as long as they were together they +quarrelled from morning till night. Now this fellow tried his rudeness +once too often, as you shall hear. For the Fairy Blackstick coming to +call upon the Prince and Princess, who were actually sitting at the open +drawing-room window, Gruffanuff not only denied them, but made the most +ODIOUS VULGAR SIGN as he was going to slam the door in the Fairy's face! +'Git away, hold Blackstick!' said he. 'I tell you, Master and Missis +ain't at home to you;' and he was, as we have said, GOING to slam the +door. + +But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut; and +Gruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in the most abominable +way, and asking the Fairy 'whether she thought he was a going to stay at +that there door hall day?' + +'You ARE going to stay at that door all day and all night, and for many +a long year,' the Fairy said, very majestically; and Gruffanuff, coming +out of the door, straddling before it with his great calves, burst out +laughing, and cried, 'Ha, ha, ha! this is a good un! Ha--ah--what's +this? Let me down--O--o--H'm!' and then he was dumb! + +For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising off +the ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as if a screw +ran into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, and was pinned to +the door; and then his arms flew up over his head; and his legs, after +writhing about wildly, twisted under his body; and he felt cold, +cold, growing over him, as if he was turning into metal; and he said, +'O--o--H'm!' and could say no more, because he was dumb. + +He WAS turned into metal! He was, from being BRAZEN, BRASS! He was +neither more nor less than a knocker! And there he was, nailed to the +door in the blazing summer day, till he burned almost red-hot; and there +he was, nailed to the door all the bitter winter nights, till his brass +nose was dropping with icicles. And the postman came and rapped at him, +and the vulgarest boy with a letter came and hit him up against the +door. And the King and Queen (Princess and Prince they were then) coming +home from a walk that evening, the King said, 'Hullo, my dear! you have +had a new knocker put on the door. Why, it's rather like our porter in +the face! What has become of that boozy vagabond?' And the house-maid +came and scrubbed his nose with sandpaper; and once, when the Princess +Angelica's little sister was born, he was tied up in an old kid glove; +and, another night, some LARKING young men tried to wrench him off, and +put him to the most excruciating agony with a turn screw. And then +the Queen had a fancy to have the colour of the door altered; and the +painters dabbed him over the mouth and eyes, and nearly choked him, as +they painted him pea-green. I warrant he had leisure to repent of having +been rude to the Fairy Blackstick! + +As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he was always guzzling +beer at the public-house, and notoriously quarrelling with his wife, and +in debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he had run away from all these +evils, and emigrated to Australia or America. And when the Prince and +Princess chose to become King and Queen, they left their old house, and +nobody thought of the porter any more. + + + + +V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID + +One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, she +was walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, the +governess, holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet complexion +from the freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to feed the swans +and ducks in the royal pond. + +They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up to them +such a funny little girl! She had a great quantity of hair blowing about +her chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she had not been washed or +combed for ever so long. She wore a ragged bit of a cloak, and had only +one shoe on. + +'You little wretch, who let you in here?' asked Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +'Div me dat bun,' said the little girl, 'me vely hungy.' + +'Hungry! what is that?' asked Princess Angelica, and gave the child the +bun. + +'Oh, Princess!' says Mrs. Gruffanuff, 'how good, how kind, how truly +angelical you are! See, Your Majesties,' she said to the King and Queen, +who now came up, along with their nephew, Prince Giglio, 'how kind the +Princess is! She met this little dirty wretch in the garden--I can't +tell how she came in here, or why the guards did not shoot her dead at +the gate!--and the dear darling of a Princess has given her the whole of +her bun!' + +'I didn't want it,' said Angelical + +'But you are a darling little angel all the same,' says the governess. + +'Yes; I know I am,' said Angelical 'Dirty little girl, don't you think +I am very pretty?' Indeed, she had on the finest of little dresses and +hats; and, as her hair was carefully curled, she really looked very +well. + +'Oh, pooty, pooty!' says the little girl, capering about, laughing, and +dancing, and munching her bun; and as she ate it she began to sing, 'Oh, +what fun to have a plum bun! how I wis it never was done!' At which, +and her funny accent, Angelica, Giglio, and the King and Queen began to +laugh very merrily. + +'I can dance as well as sing,' says the little girl. 'I can dance, and I +can sing, and I can do all sorts of ting.' And she ran to a flower-bed, +and pulling a few polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and other flowers, made +herself a little wreath, and danced before the King and Queen so drolly +and prettily, that everybody was delighted. + +'Who was your mother--who were your relations, little girl?' said the +Queen. + +The little girl said, 'Little lion was my brudder; great big lioness my +mudder; neber heard of any udder.' And she capered away on her one shoe, +and everybody was exceedingly diverted. + +So Angelica said to the Queen, 'Mamma, my parrot flew away yesterday out +of its cage, and I don't care any more for any of my toys; and I think +this funny little dirty child will amuse me. I will take her home, and +give her some of my old frocks.' + +'Oh, the generous darling!' says Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +'Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of,' Angelica +went on; 'and she shall be my little maid. Will you come home with me, +little dirty girl?' + +The child clapped her hands, and said, 'Go home with you--yes! You pooty +Princess!--Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress!' + +And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the palace, +where, when she was washed and combed, and had one of the Princess's +frocks given to her, she looked as handsome as Angelica, almost. Not +that Angelica ever thought so; for this little lady never imagined +that anybody in the world could be as pretty, as good, or as clever as +herself. In order that the little girl should not become too proud and +conceited, Mrs. Gruffanuff took her old ragged mantle and one shoe, and +put them into a glass box, with a card laid upon them, upon which was +written, 'These were the old clothes in which little BETSINDA was found +when the great goodness and admirable kindness of Her Royal Highness the +Princess Angelica received this little outcast.' And the date was added, +and the box locked up. + +For a while little Betsinda was a great favourite with the Princess, and +she danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, to amuse her mistress. +But then the Princess got a monkey, and afterwards a little dog, and +afterwards a doll, and did not care for Betsinda any more, who became +very melancholy and quiet, and sang no more funny songs, because nobody +cared to hear her. And then, as she grew older, she was made a little +lady's-maid to the Princess; and though she had no wages, she worked +and mended, and put Angelica's hair in papers, and was never cross when +scolded, and was always eager to please her mistress, and was always +up early and to bed late, and at hand when wanted, and in fact became +a perfect little maid. So the two girls grew up, and, when the Princess +came out, Betsinda was never tired of waiting on her; and made her +dresses better than the best milliner, and was useful in a hundred ways. +Whilst the Princess was having her masters, Betsinda would sit and watch +them; and in this way she picked up a great deal of learn ing; for she +was always awake, though her mistress was not, and listened to the wise +professors when Angelica was yawning or thinking of the next ball. And +when the dancing-master came, Betsinda learned along with Angelica; +and when the music-master came, she watched him, and practiced the +Princess's pieces when Angelica was away at balls and parties; and when +the drawing-master came, she took note of all he said and did; and the +same with French, Italian, and all other languages--she learned them +from the teacher who came to Angelica. When the Princess was going out +of an evening she would say, 'My good Betsinda, you may as well finish +what I have begun.' 'Yes, miss,' Betsinda would say, and sit down very +cheerful, not to FINISH what Angelica began, but to DO it. + +For instance, the Princess would begin a head of a warrior, let us say, +and when it was begun it was something like this-- + +But when it was done, the warrior was like this-- + +(only handsomer still if possible), and the Princess put her name to the +drawing; and the Court and King and Queen, and above all poor Giglio, +admired the picture of all things, and said, 'Was there ever a genius +like Angelica?' So, I am sorry to say, was it with the Princess's +embroidery and other accomplishments; and Angelica actually believed +that she did these things herself, and received all the flattery of +the Court as if every word of it was true. Thus she began to think that +there was no young woman in all the world equal to herself, and that no +young man was good enough for her. As for Betsinda, as she heard none of +these praises, she was not puffed up by them, and being a most grateful, +good-natured girl, she was only too anxious to do everything which might +give her mistress pleasure. Now you begin to perceive that Angelica +had faults of her own, and was by no means such a wonder of wonders as +people represented Her Royal Highness to be. + + + + +VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF + +And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the reigning +monarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in page seven, that +as long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good horse to ride, and money +in his pocket, or rather to take out of his pocket, for he was very +good-natured, my young Prince did not care for the loss of his crown and +sceptre, being a thoughtless youth, not much inclined to politics or any +kind of learning. So his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio would not +learn classics or mathematics, and the Lord Chancellor of Paflagonia, +SQUARETOSO, pulled a very long face because the Prince could not be got +to study the Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other hand, +the King's gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt pupil; +the dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant and assiduous +scholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave the most flattering +reports of the Prince's skill; so did the Groom of the Tennis Court; +and as for the Captain of the Guard and Fencing Master, the VALIANT and +VETERAN Count KUTASOFF HEDZOFF, he avowed that since he ran the General +of Crim Tartary, the dreadful Grumbuskin, through the body, he never had +encountered so expert a swordsman as Prince Giglio. + +I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the Prince +and Princess walking together in the palace garden, and because Giglio +kissed Angelica's hand in a polite manner. In the first place they are +cousins; next, the Queen is walking in the garden too (you cannot see +her, for she happens to be behind that tree), and Her Majesty always +wished that Angelica and Giglio should marry: so did Giglio: so did +Angelica sometimes, for she thought her cousin very handsome, brave, +and good-natured: but then you know she was so clever and knew so many +things, and poor Giglio knew nothing, and had no conversation. When they +looked at the stars, what did Giglio know of the heavenly bodies? Once, +when on a sweet night in a balcony where they were standing, Angelica +said, 'There is the Bear.' 'Where?' says Giglio. 'Don't be afraid, +Angelica! if a dozen bears come, I will kill them rather than they shall +hurt you.' 'Oh, you silly creature!' says she; 'you are very good, but +you are not very wise.' When they looked at the flowers, Giglio was +utterly unacquainted with botany, and had never heard of Linnaeus. +When the butterflies passed, Giglio knew nothing about them, being as +ignorant of entomology as I am of algebra. So you see, Angelica, though +she liked Giglio pretty well, despised him on account of his ignorance. +I think she probably valued HER OWN LEARNING rather too much; but to +think too well of one's self is the fault of people of all ages and both +sexes. Finally, when nobody else was there, Angelica liked her cousin +well enough. + +King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and withal so fond of good +dinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook Marmitonio), +that it was supposed he could not live long. Now the idea of anything +happening to the King struck the artful Prime Minister and the designing +old lady-in-waiting with terror. For, thought Glumboso and the Countess, +'when Prince Giglio marries his cousin and comes to the throne, what a +pretty position we shall be in, whom he dislikes, and who have always +been unkind to him. We shall lose our places in a trice; Mrs. Gruffanuff +will have to give up all the jewels, laces, snuff-boxes, rings, and +watches which belonged to the Queen, Giglio's mother; and Glumboso will +be forced to refund two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine +hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, +thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, money left to Prince Giglio +by his poor dear father.' + +So the Lady of Honour and the Prime Minister hated Giglio because they +had done him a wrong; and these unprincipled people invented a hundred +cruel stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence the King, Queen, +and Princess against him; how he was so ignorant that he could not spell +the commonest words, and actually wrote Valoroso Valloroso, and spelt +Angelica with two l's; how he drank a great deal too much wine at +dinner, and was always idling in the stables with the grooms; how he +owed ever so much money at the pastry-cook's and the haberdasher's; how +he used to go to sleep at church; how he was fond of playing cards with +the pages. So did the Queen like playing cards; so did the King go +to sleep at church, and eat and drink too much; and, if Giglio owed +a trifle for tarts, who owed him two hundred and seventeen thousand +millions nine hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and +thirty-nine pounds, thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I should +like to know? Detractors and tale-bearers (in my humble opinion) had +much better look at HOME. All this backbiting and slandering had effect +upon Princess Angelica, who began to look coldly on her cousin, then to +laugh at him and scorn him for being so stupid, then to sneer at him for +having vulgar associates; and at Court balls, dinners, and so forth, +to treat him so unkindly that poor Giglio became quite ill, took to his +bed, and sent for the doctor. + +His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons for +disliking his nephew; and as for those innocent readers who ask why?--I +beg (with the permission of their dear parents) to refer them to +Shakespeare's pages, where they will read why King John disliked Prince +Arthur. With the Queen, his royal but weak-minded aunt, when Giglio was +out of sight he was out of mind. While she had her whist and her evening +parties, she cared for little else. + +I dare say TWO VILLAINS, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor Pildrafto, +the Court Physician, had killed Giglio right out, but he only bled +and physicked him so severely that the Prince was kept to his room for +several months, and grew as thin as a post. + +Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came to the Court of +Paflagonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and who was +Painter in Ordinary to the King of Crim Tartary, Paflagonia's neighbour. +Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the Court, who were delighted with his works; +for even Countess Gruffanuff looked young and Glumboso good-humoured +in his pictures. 'He flatters very much,' some people said. 'Nay!' says +Princess Angelica, 'I am above flattery, and I think he did not make my +picture handsome enough. I can't bear to hear a man of genius unjustly +cried down, and I hope my dear papa will make Lorenzo a knight of his +Order of the Cucumber.' + +The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed Her Royal Highness +could draw so BEAUTIFULLY that the idea of her taking lessons was +absurd, yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and it was wonderful, +AS LONG AS SHE PAINTED IN HIS STUDIO, what beautiful pictures she made! +Some of the performances were engraved for the Book of Beauty: others +were sold for enormous sums at Charity Bazaars. She wrote the +SIGNATURES under the drawings, no doubt, but I think I know who-did +the pictures--this artful painter, who had come with other designs on +Angelica than merely to teach her to draw. + +One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait of a young man in +armour, with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an expression at +once melancholy and interesting. + +'Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?' asked the Princess. + +'I never saw anyone so handsome,' says Countess Gruffanuff (the old +humbug). + +'That,' said the painter, 'that, Madam, is the portrait of my august +young master, his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, +Duke of Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, and Knight Grand Cross +of the Order of the Pumpkin. That is the order of the Pumpkin glittering +on his manly breast, and received by His Royal Highness from his august +father, His Majesty King PADELLA I., for his gallantry at the battle +of Rimbombamento, when he slew with his own princely hand the King +of Ograria and two hundred and eleven giants of the two hundred and +eighteen who formed the King's bodyguard. The remainder were destroyed +by the brave Crim Tartar army after an obstinate combat, in which the +Crim Tartars suffered severely.' + +What a Prince! thought Angelica: so brave--so calm-looking--so +young--what a hero! + +'He is as accomplished as he is brave,' continued the Court Painter. +'He knows all languages perfectly: sings deliciously: plays every +instrument: composes operas which have been acted a thousand nights +running at the Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, and danced in a ballet +there before the King and Queen; in which he looked so beautiful, that +his cousin, the lovely daughter of the King of Circassia, died for love +of him.' + +'Why did he not marry the poor Princess?' asked Angelica, with a sigh. + +'Because they were FIRST COUSINS, Madam, and the clergy forbid these +unions,' said the Painter. 'And, besides, the young Prince had given his +royal heart ELSEWHERE.' + +'And to whom?' asked Her Royal Highness. + +'I am not at liberty to mention the Princess's name,' answered the +Painter. + +'But you may tell me the first letter of it,' gasped out the Princess. + +'That Your Royal Highness is at liberty to guess,' said Lorenzo. + +'Does it begin with a Z?' asked Angelica. + +The Painter said it wasn't a Z; then she tried a Y; then an X; then a W, +and went so backwards through almost the whole alphabet. + +When she came to D, and it wasn't D, she grew very excited; when she +came to C, and it wasn't C, she was still more nervous; when she came +to B, AND IT WASN'T B, 'O dearest Gruffanuff,' she said, 'lend me your +smelling-bottle!' and, hiding her head in the Countess's shoulder, she +faintly whispered, 'Ah, Signor, can it be A?' + +'It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal Master's orders, tell Your +Royal Highness the Princess's name, whom he fondly, madly, devotedly, +rapturously loves, I may show you her portrait,' says this slyboots: +and leading the Princess up to a gilt frame, he drew a curtain which was +before it. + +O goodness! the frame contained A LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw her +own face! + + + + +VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL + +The Court Painter of His Majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned to +that monarch's dominions, carrying away a number of sketches which he +had made in the Paflagonian capital (you know, of course, my dears, that +the name of that capital is Blombodinga); but the most charming of all +his pieces was a portrait of the Princess Angelica, which all the Crim +Tartar nobles came to see. With this work the King was so delighted, +that he decorated the Painter with his Order of the Pumpkin (sixth +class) and the artist became Sir Tomaso Lorenzo, K.P., thenceforth. + +King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, besides a +handsome order for money, for he painted the King, Queen, and principal +nobility while at Blombodinga, and became all the fashion, to the +perfect rage of all the artists in Paflagonia, where the King used to +point to the portrait of Prince Bulbo, which Sir Tomaso had left behind +him, and say 'Which among you can paint a picture like that?' + +It hung in the royal parlour over the royal sideboard, and Princess +Angelica could always look at it as she sat making the tea. Each day it +seemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the Princess grew so fond +of looking at it, that she would often spill the tea over the cloth, at +which her father and mother would wink and wag their heads, and say to +each other, 'Aha! we see how things are going.' + +In the meantime poor Giglio lay upstairs very sick in his chamber, +though he took all the doctor's horrible medicines like a good young +lad; as I hope YOU do, my dears, when you are ill and mamma sends for +the medical man. And the only person who visited Giglio (besides his +friend the captain of the guard, who was almost always busy or on +parade), was little Betsinda the housemaid, who used to do his bedroom +and sitting-room out, bring him his gruel, and warm his bed. + +When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and evening, Prince +Giglio used to say, 'Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the Princess Angelica?' + +And Betsinda used to answer, 'The Princess is very well, thank you, my +Lord.' And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, if Angelica were sick, +I am sure _I_ should not be very well. + +Then Giglio would say, 'Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked for +me today?' And Betsinda would answer, 'No, my Lord, not today'; or, 'she +was very busy practicing the piano when I saw her'; or, 'she was writing +invitations for an evening party, and did not speak to me'; or make some +excuse or other, not strictly consonant with truth: for Betsinda was +such a good-natured creature that she strove to do everything to prevent +annoyance to Prince Giglio, and even brought him up roast chicken and +jellies from the kitchen (when the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio was +getting better), saying, 'that the Princess had made the jelly, or the +bread-sauce, with her own hands, on purpose for Giglio.' + +When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to mend immediately; +and gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last bone of the +chicken--drumsticks, merry-thought, sides'-bones, back, pope's nose, +and all--thanking his dear Angelica; and he felt so much better the next +day, that he dressed and went downstairs, where, whom should he meet +but Angelica going into the drawing-room? All the covers were off the +chairs, the chandeliers taken out of the bags, the damask curtains +uncovered, the work and things carried away, and the handsomest albums +on the tables. Angelica had her hair in papers: in a word, it was +evident there was going to be a party. + +'Heavens, Giglio!' cries Angelica: 'YOU here in such a dress! What a +figure you are!' + +'Yes, dear Angelica, I am come downstairs, and feel so well today, +thanks to the FOWL and the JELLY.' + +'What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them in that +rude way?' says Angelica. + +'Why, didn't--didn't you send them, Angelica dear?' says Giglio. + +'I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio dear,' says she, mocking +him, '_I_ was engaged in getting the rooms ready for His Royal Highness +the Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay my papa's Court a +visit.' + +'The--Prince--of--Crim--Tartary!' Giglio said, aghast. + +'Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary,' says Angelica, mocking him. 'I dare +say you never heard of such a country. What DID you ever hear of? You +don't know whether Crim Tartary is on the Red Sea or on the Black Sea, I +dare say.' + +'Yes, I do, it's on the Red Sea,' says Giglio, at which the Princess +burst out laughing at him, and said, 'Oh, you ninny! You are so +ignorant, you are really not fit for society! You know nothing but about +horses and dogs, and are only fit to dine in a mess-room with my Royal +father's heaviest dragoons. Don't look so surprised at me, sir: go +and put your best clothes on to receive the Prince, and let me get the +drawing-room ready.' + +Giglio said, 'Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn't think this of you. THIS +wasn't your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I gave you +mine in the garden, and you gave me that k--' + +But what k was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, cried, +'Get out, you saucy, rude creature! How dare you to remind me of your +rudeness? As for your little trumpery twopenny ring, there, sir, there!' +And she flung it out of the window. + +'It was my mother's marriage-ring,' cried Giglio. + +'_I_ don't care whose marriage-ring it was,' cries Angelica. 'Marry the +person who picks it up if she's a woman; you shan't marry ME. And give +me back MY ring. I've no patience with people who boast about the things +they give away! _I_ know who'll give me much finer things than you ever +gave me. A beggarly ring indeed, not worth five shillings!' + +Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her was a +fairy ring: if a man wore it, it made all the women in love with him; +if a woman, all the gentlemen. The Queen, Giglio's mother, quite an +ordinary-looking person, was admired immensely whilst she wore this +ring, and her husband was frantic when she was ill. But when she called +her little Giglio to her, and put the ring on his finger, King Savio did +not seem to care for his wife so much any more, but transferred all his +love to little Giglio. So did everybody love him as long as he had the +ring; but when, as quite a child, he gave it to Angelica, people began +to love and admire HER; and Giglio, as the saying is, played only second +fiddle. + +'Yes,' says Angelica, going on in her foolish ungrateful way. '_I_ +know who'll give me much finer things than your beggarly little pearl +nonsense.' + +'Very good, miss! You may take back your ring too!' says Giglio, his +eyes flashing fire at her, and then, as his eyes had been suddenly +opened, he cried out, 'Ha! what does this mean? Is THIS the woman I have +been in love with all my life? Have I been such a ninny as to throw away +my regard upon you? Why--actually--yes--you are a little crooked!' + +'Oh, you wretch!' cries Angelica. + +'And, upon my conscience, you--you squint a little.' + +'Eh!' cries Angelica. + +'And your hair is red--and you are marked with the smallpox--and what? +you have three false teeth--and one leg shorter than the other!' + +'You brute, you brute, you!' Angelica screamed out: and as she seized +the ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three smacks on the +face, and would have pulled the hair off his head had he not started +laughing, and crying-- + +'Oh dear me, Angelica, don't pull out MY hair, it hurts! You might +remove a great deal of YOUR OWN, as I perceive, without scissors or +pulling at all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! ho he he!' + +And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage; when, +with a low bow, and dressed in his Court habit, Count Gambabella, +the first lord-in-waiting, entered and said, 'Royal Highnesses! Their +Majesties expect you in the Pink Throne-room, where they await the +arrival of the Prince of CRIM TARTARY.' + + + + +VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO CAME TO +COURT + +Prince Bulbo's arrival had set all the court in a flutter: everybody was +ordered to put his or her best clothes on: the footmen had their gala +liveries; the Lord Chancellor his new wig; the Guards their last +new tunics; and Countess Gruffanuff, you may be sure, was glad of an +opportunity of decorating HER old person with her finest things. She was +walking through the court of the Palace on her way to wait upon Their +Majesties, when she espied something glittering on the pavement, and +bade the boy in buttons who was holding up her train, to go and pick up +the article shining yonder. He was an ugly little wretch, in some of the +late groom-porter's old clothes cut down, and much too tight for him; +and yet, when he had taken up the ring (as it turned out to be), and was +carrying it to his mistress, she thought he looked like a little cupid. +He gave the ring to her; it was a trumpery little thing enough, but too +small for any of her old knuckles, so she put it into her pocket. + +'Oh, mum!' says the boy, looking at her 'how--how beyoutiful you do +look, mum, today, mum!' + +'And you, too, Jacky,' she was going to say; but, looking down +at him--no, he was no longer good-looking at all--but only the +carroty-haired little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is welcome +from the ugliest of men or boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding the boy hold +up her train, walked on in high good-humour. The guards saluted her +with peculiar respect. Captain Hedzoff, in the anteroom, said, 'My +dear madam, you look like an angel today.' And so, bowing and smirking, +Gruffanuff went in and took her place behind her Royal Master and +Mistress, who were in the throne-room, awaiting the Prince of Crim +Tartary. Princess Angelica sat at their feet, and behind the King's +chair stood Prince Giglio, looking very savage. + +The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron +Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying the +most beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his travelling +costume, and his hair, as you see, was a little in disorder. 'I have +ridden three hundred miles since breakfast,' said he, 'so eager was I to +behold the Prin--the Court and august family of Paflagonia, and I could +not wait one minute before appearing in Your Majesties' presences.' + +Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of contemptuous +laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so flurried, that they +did not hear this little outbreak. 'Your R. H. is welcome in any dress,' +says the King. 'Glumboso, a chair for His Royal Highness.' + +'Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court dress,' says Princess +Angelica, smiling graciously. + +'Ah! but you should see my other clothes,' said the Prince. 'I should +have had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought them. Who's +that laughing?' + +It was Giglio laughing. 'I was laughing,' he said, 'because you said +just now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess, that you +could not wait to change your dress; and now you say you come in those +clothes because you have no others.' + +'And who are you?' says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely. + +'My father was King of this country, and I am his only son, Prince!' +replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness. + +'Ha!' said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the former, +collecting himself, said, 'Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to introduce to +Your Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal Highness Prince Giglio! +Know each other! Embrace each other! Giglio, give His Royal Highness +your hand!' and Giglio, giving his hand, squeezed poor Bulbo's until the +tears ran out of his eyes. Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royal +visitor, and placed it on the platform on which the King, Queen, and +Prince were seated; but the chair was on the edge of the platform, and +as Bulbo sat down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over and +over, and bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder at this +disaster, but it was with laughter; so did all the Court when Prince +Bulbo got up; for though when he entered the room he appeared not very +ridiculous, as he stood up from his fall for a moment he looked so +exceedingly plain and foolish, that nobody could help laughing at him. +When he had entered the room, he was observed to carry a rose in his +hand, which fell out of it as he tumbled. + +'My rose! my rose!' cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed forwards and +picked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it in his waistcoat. +Then people wondered why they had laughed; there was nothing +particularly ridiculous in him. He was rather short, rather stout, +rather red-haired, but, in fine, for a Prince, not so bad. + +So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the Crim +Tartar officers with those of Paflagonia--Giglio very comfortable with +Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such tender eyes, +that her heart was all in a flutter. 'Oh, dear Prince,' she said, 'how +could you speak so haughtily in presence of Their Majesties? I protest I +thought I should have fainted.' + +'I should have caught you in my arms,' said Giglio, looking raptures. + +'Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?' says Gruff. + + +'Because I hate him,' says Gil. + +'You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica,' cries +Gruffanuff, putting her handkerchief to her eyes. + +'I did, but I love her no more!' Giglio cried. 'I despise her! Were she +heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her and scorn her. +But why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I am too weak to recover +it--I am alone, and have no friend.' + +'Oh, say not so, dear Prince!' says Gruffanuff. + +'Besides,' says he, 'I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE that I would +not change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!' + +'What are you two people chattering about there?' says the Queen, who +was rather good-natured, though not overburthened with wisdom. 'It is +time to dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his room. Prince, +if your clothes have not come, we shall be very happy to see you as you +are.' But when Prince Bulbo got to his bedroom, his luggage was there +and unpacked; and the hairdresser coming in, cut and curled him entirely +to his own satisfaction; and when the dinner-bell rang, the Royal +company had not to wait above five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo +appeared, during which time the King, who could not bear to wait, grew +as sulky as possible. As for Giglio, he never left Madam Gruffanuff all +this time, but stood with her in the embrasure of a window, paying her +compliments. At length the Groom of the Chambers announced His Royal +Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary! and the noble company went into the +royal dining-room. It was quite a small party; only the King and Queen, +the Princess, whom Bulbo took out, the two Princes, Countess Gruffanuff, +Glumboso the Prime Minister, and Prince Bulbo's chamberlain. You may be +sure they had a very good dinner--let every boy or girl think of what he +or she likes best, and fancy it on the table.* + + *Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children + saying what they like best for dinner. + +The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of Crimea, +who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes off his plate, +except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent a quantity of stuffing +and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio only burst out a-laughing +as the Crimean Prince wiped his shirt-front and face with his scented +pocket-handkerchief. He did not make Prince Bulbo any apology. When the +Prince looked at him, Giglio would not look that way. When Prince Bulbo +said, 'Prince Giglio, may I have the honour of taking a glass of wine +with you?' Giglio WOULDN'T answer. All his talk and his eyes were for +Countess Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased with Giglio's +attentions--the vain old creature! When he was not complimenting her, +he was making fun of Prince Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was always +tapping him with her fan, and saying--'Oh, you satirical Prince! Oh, +fie, the Prince will hear!' 'Well, I don't mind,' says Giglio, louder +still. The King and Queen luckily did not hear; for Her Majesty was a +little deaf, and the King thought so much about his own dinner, and, +besides, made such a dreadful noise, hobgobbling in eating it, that +he heard nothing else. After dinner, His Majesty and the Queen went to +sleep in their arm-chairs. + +This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, plying +that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira, champagne, marsala, +cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which Master Bulbo drank without +stint. But in plying his guest, Giglio was obliged to drink himself, +and, I am sorry to say, took more than was good for him, so that the +young men were very noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladies +after dinner; and dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, my +darlings, you shall hear! + +Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and singing, +and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when the footman +brought it, and he laughed out of place, and talked absurdly, and fell +asleep and snored horridly. Booh, the nasty pig! But as he lay there +stretched on the pink satin sofa, Angelica still persisted in thinking +him the most beautiful of human beings. No doubt the magic rose which +Bulbo wore caused this infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she the +first young woman who has thought a silly fellow charming? + +Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too, +every moment began to find more lovely. He paid the most outrageous +compliments to her:--There never was such a darling--Older than he +was?--Fiddle-de-dee! He would marry her--he would have nothing but her! + +To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful hussy +actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, 'This is to give +notice that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby +promise to marry the charming and virtuous Barbara Griselda, Countess +Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq.' + +'What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?' says Giglio, who was +lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table. + +'Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and +blankets to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and Queen are +both asleep, and your Royal Highness's order will do.' + +So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed the +order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you may fancy +what airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce out of the room +before the Queen herself, as now she was the wife of the RIGHTFUL King +of Paflagonia! She would not speak to Glumboso, whom she thought a +brute, for depriving her DEAR HUSBAND of the crown! And when candles +came, and she had helped to undress the Queen and Princess, she went +into her own room, and actually practiced on a sheet of paper, 'Griselda +Paflagonia,' 'Barbara Regina,' 'Griselda Barbara, Paf. Reg.,' and I +don't know what signatures besides, against the day when she should be +Queen, forsooth! + + + + +IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN + +Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and the +Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented Betsinda. +'Betsinda!' she said, 'you dressed my hair very nicely today; I promised +you a little present. Here are five sh--no, here is a pretty little +ring, that I picked--that I have had some time.' And she gave Betsinda +the ring she had picked up in the court. It fitted Betsinda exactly. + +'It's like the ring the Princess used to wear,' says the maid. + +'No such thing,' says Gruffanuff, 'I have had it this ever so long. +There, tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it's a very cold night +(the snow was beating in at the window), you may go and warm dear Prince +Giglio's bed, like a good girl, and then you may unrip my green silk, +and then you can just do me up a little cap for the morning, and then +you can mend that hole in my silk stocking, and then you can go to +bed, Betsinda. Mind I shall want my cup of tea at five o'clock in the +morning.' + +'I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds, Ma'am,' says +Betsinda. + +Gruffanuff, for reply, said, 'Hau-au-ho!--Grauhawhoo!--Hong-hrho!' In +fact, she was snoring sound asleep. + +Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the Princess is +next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the coals to the kitchen, +and filled the royal warming-pan. + +Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there must +have been something very captivating about her this evening, for all +the women in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse her. The +housekeeper said she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the upper-housemaid +asked, how dare she wear such ringlets and ribbons, it was quite +improper! The cook (for there was a woman-cook as well as a man-cook) +said to the kitchen-maid that she never could see anything in that +creetur: but as for the men, every one of them, Coachman, John, Buttons, +the page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Crim Tartary's valet, started up, +and said-- + + 'My eyes!' } + 'O mussey!' } 'What a pretty girl Betsinda is!' + 'O jemmany!' } + 'O ciel!' } + +'Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!' says +Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the young +gentlemen playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first to Prince +Giglio's bed, which she warmed, and then to Prince Bulbo's room. + +He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, 'O! O! O! +O! O! O! what a beyou--oo--ootiful creature you are! You angel--you +peri--you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul--thy Bulbo, too! Fly to the +desert, fly with me! I never saw a young gazelle to glad me with its +dark blue eye that had eyes like shine. Thou nymph of beauty, take, take +this young heart. A truer never did itself sustain within a soldier's +waistcoat. Be mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal +father will approve our union; and, as for that little carroty-haired +Angelica, I do not care a fig for her any more.' + +'Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please,' said Betsinda, +with the warming-pan. + +But Bulbo said, 'No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou lovely, +blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the Royal Bulbo lies, +the trembling captive of Betsinda's eyes.' + +And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that Betsinda, +who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the warming-pan, which, I +promise you, made him cry 'O-o-o-o!' in a very different manner. + +Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him from +the next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon as he saw +what was taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on Bulbo, kicked him +in the rudest manner up to the ceiling, and went on kicking him till his +hair was quite out of curl. + +Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the kicking +certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so droll! When Giglio +had done knocking him up and down to the ground, and whilst he went into +a corner rubbing himself, what do you think Giglio does? He goes down on +his own knees to Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart, +and offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda's condition, who had +been in love with the Prince ever since she first saw him in the palace +garden, when she was quite a little child. + +'Oh, divine Betsinda!' says the Prince, 'how have I lived fifteen years +in thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman in all +Europe, Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only it is not +yet discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? Pish! Gruffanuff? +Phoo! The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my Queen. Thou art the real Angelica, +because thou art really angelic.' + +'Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid,' says Betsinda, looking, +however, very much pleased. + +'Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?' continues +Giglio. 'Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and bring me jelly +and roast chicken?' + +'Yes, dear Prince, I did,' says Betsinda, 'and I sewed Your Royal +Highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal Highness,' +cries this artless maiden. + +When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda, heard +this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances which she flung +upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and tore quantities of hair +out of his head, till it all covered the room like so much tow. + +Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes were +going on with their conversation, and as they began now to quarrel and +be very fierce with one another, she thought proper to run away. + +'You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner there; +of course you will give me satisfaction for insulting Betsinda. YOU dare +to kneel down at Princess Giglio's knees and kiss her hand!' + +'She's not Princess Giglio!' roars out Bulbo. 'She shall be Princess +Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo.' + +'You are engaged to my cousin!' bellows out Giglio. 'I hate your +cousin,' says Bulbo. + +'You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!' cries Giglio in a +fury. + +'I'll have your life.' + +'I'll run you through.' + +'I'll cut your throat.' + +'I'll blow your brains out.' + +'I'll knock your head off.' + +'I'll send a friend to you in the morning.' + +'I'll send a bullet into you in the afternoon.' + +'We'll meet again,' says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo's face; and +seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, forsooth, Betsinda +had carried it, and rushed downstairs. What should he see on the landing +but His Majesty talking to Betsinda, whom he called by all sorts of fond +names. His Majesty had heard a row in the building, so he stated, and +smelling something burning, had come out to see what the matter was. + +'It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir,' says Betsinda. + +'Charming chambermaid,' says the King (like all the rest of them), +'never mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged autocrat, who +has been considered not ill-looking in his time.' + +'Oh, sir! what will Her Majesty say?' cries Betsinda. + +'Her Majesty!' laughs the monarch. 'Her Majesty be hanged. Am I not +Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, hangmen--ha? +Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not sacks to sew up wives +withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt be mine own,--your mistress +straightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the sharer of my heart and +throne.' + +When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the respect +usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and knocked down the +King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master Giglio took to his +heels and ran away, and Betsinda went off screaming, and the Queen, +Gruffanuff, and the Princess, all came out of their rooms. Fancy their +feelings on beholding their husband, father, sovereign, in this posture! + + + + +X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION + +As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself +and stood up. 'Ho! my captain of the guards!' His Majesty exclaimed, +stamping his royal feet with rage. O piteous spectacle! the King's nose +was bent quite crooked by the blow of Prince Giglio! His Majesty ground +his teeth with rage. 'Hedzoff,' he said, taking a death-warrant out of +his dressing-gown pocket, 'Hedzoff, good Hedzoff, seize upon the Prince. +Thou'lt find him in his chamber two pair up. But now he dared, with +sacrilegious hand, to strike the sacred night-cap of a king--Hedzoff, +and floor me with a warming-pan! Away, no more demur, the villain dies! +See it be done, or else,--h'm--ha!--h'm! mind shine own eyes!' and +followed by the ladies, and lifting up the tails of his dressing-gown, +the King entered his own apartment. + +Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a sincere love for +Giglio. 'Poor, poor Giglio!' he said, the tears rolling over his manly +face, and dripping down his moustachios; 'my noble young Prince, is it +my hand must lead thee to death?' + +'Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff,' said a female voice. It was +Gruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard the +noise. 'The King said you were to hang the Prince. Well, hang the +Prince.' + +'I don't understand you,' says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever man. + +'You Gaby! he didn't say WHICH Prince,' says Gruffanuff. + +'No; he didn't say which, certainly,' said Hedzoff. + +'Well then, take Bulbo, and hang HIM!' + +When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to dance about for joy. +'Obedience is a soldier's honour,' says he. 'Prince Bulbo's head will do +capitally,' and he went to arrest the Prince the very first thing next +morning. + +He knocked at the door. 'Who's there?' says Bulbo. 'Captain Hedzoff? +Step in, pray, my good Captain; I'm delighted to see you; I have been +expecting you.' + +'Have you?' says Hedzoff. + +'Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me,' says the Prince. + +'I beg Your Royal Highness's pardon, but you will have to act for +yourself, and it's a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz.' + +The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. 'Of +course, Captain,' says he, 'you are come about that affair with Prince +Giglio?' + +'Precisely,' says Hedzoff, 'that affair of Prince Giglio.' + +'Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?' asks Bulbo. 'I'm a pretty +good hand with both, and I'll do for Prince Giglio as sure as my name is +My Royal Highness Prince Bulbo.' + +'There's some mistake, my Lord,' says the Captain. 'The business is done +with AXES among us.' + +'Axes? That's sharp work,' says Bulbo. 'Call my Chamberlain, he'll be my +second, and in ten minutes, I flatter myself, you'll see Master Giglio's +head off his impertinent shoulders. I'm hungry for his blood Hoooo, aw!' +and he looked as savage as an ogre. + +'I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you prisoner, +and hand you over to--to the executioner.' + +'Pooh, pooh, my good man!--Stop, I say,--ho!--hulloa!' was all that +this luckless Prince was enabled to say, for Hedzoff's guards seizing +him, tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, and carried him to the +place of execution. + +The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, and +took a pinch of snuff and said, 'So much for Giglio. Now let's go to +breakfast.' + +The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner to the Sheriff, with +the fatal order, + +'AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE BEARER'S HEAD. 'VALOROSO XXIV.' + +'It's a mistake,' says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand the +business in the least. + +'Poo--poo--pooh,' says the Sheriff. 'Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. Jack +Ketch!' + +And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with a +block and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should be wanted. + +But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda. + + + + +XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA + +Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the King, and knew that +Giglio must come to grief, got up very early the next morning, and went +to devise some plans for rescuing her darling husband, as the silly old +thing insisted on calling him. She found him walking up and down the +garden, thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda (TINDER and WINDA were all he +could find), and indeed having forgotten all about the past evening, +except that Betsinda was the most lovely of beings. + +'Well, dear Giglio,' says Gruff. + +'Well, dear Gruffy,' says Giglio, only HE was quite satirical. + +'I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. You +must fly the country for a while.' + +'What scrape?--fly the country? Never without her I love, Countess,' +says Giglio. + +'No, she will accompany you, dear Prince,' she says, in her most coaxing +accents. 'First, we must get the jewels belonging to our royal parents. +and those of her and his present Majesty. Here is the key, duck; they +are all yours, you know, by right, for you are the rightful King of +Paflagonia, and your wife will be the rightful Queen.' + +'Will she?' says Giglio. + +'Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso's apartment, where, +under his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the amount of +L2I7,000,000,987,439, 13S. 6 1/2d., all belonging to you, for he took +it out of your royal father's room on the day of his death. With this we +will fly.' + +'WE will fly?' says Giglio. + +'Yes, you and your bride--your affianced love--your Gruffy!' says the +Countess, with a languishing leer. + +'YOU my bride!' says Giglio. 'You, you hideous old woman!' + +'Oh, you--you wretch! didn't you give me this paper promising marriage?' +cries Gruff. + +'Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and Betsinda only!' And in a +fit of terror he ran from her as quickly as he could. + +'He! he! he!' shrieks out Gruff; 'a promise is a promise if there are +laws in Paflagonia! And as for that monster, that wretch, that fiend, +that ugly little vixen--as for that upstart, that ingrate, that beast, +Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little difficulty in discovering +her whereabouts. He may look very long before finding HER, I warrant. He +little knows that Miss Betsinda is--' + +Is--what? Now, you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five in winter's +morning to bring her cruel mistress her tea; and instead of finding +her in a good humour, found Gruffy as cross as two sticks. The Countess +boxed Betsinda's ears half a dozen times whilst she was dressing; but +as poor little Betsinda was used to this kind of treatment, she did not +feel any special alarm. 'And now,' says she, 'when Her Majesty rings her +bell twice, I'll trouble you, miss, to attend.' + +So when the Queen's bell rang twice, Betsinda came to Her Majesty and +made a pretty little curtsey. The Queen, the Princess, and Gruffanuff +were all three in the room. As soon as they saw her they began, + +'You wretch!' says the Queen. + +'You little vulgar thing!' says the Princess. + +'You beast!' says Gruffanuff. + +'Get out of my sight!' says the Queen. + +'Go away with you, do!' says the Princess. + +'Quit the premises!' says Gruffanuff. + +'Alas! and woe is me!' very lamentable events had occurred to Betsinda +that morning, and all in consequence of that fatal warming-pan business +of the previous night. The King had offered to marry her; of course Her +Majesty the Queen was jealous: Bulbo had fallen in love with her; of +course Angelica was furious: Giglio was in love with her, and oh, what a +fury Gruffy was in! + + 'Take off that {cap } I gave you,' + {petticoat} they said, all + {gown } at once, + and began tearing the clothes off poor Betsinda. + + 'How (the King?' } cried the Queen, + dare you {Prince Bulbo?' } the Princess, and + flirt with {Prince Giglio?'} Countess. + +'Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and turn her +out of it!' cries the Queen. + +'Mind she does not go with MY shoes on, which I lent her so kindly,' +says the Princess; and indeed the Princess's shoes were a great deal too +big for Betsinda. + +'Come with me, you filthy hussy!' and taking up the Queen's poker, the +cruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room. + +The Countess went to the glass box in which she had kept Betsinda's old +cloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, 'Take those rags, you little +beggar creature, and strip off everything belonging to honest people, +and go about your business'; and she actually tore off the poor little +delicate thing's back almost all her things, and told her to be off out +of the house. + +Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which were +embroidered the letters PRIN. . . ROSAL. . . and then came a great rent. + +As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey sandal? +the string was still to it, so she hung it round her neck. + +'Won't you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if you +please, mum?' cried the poor child. + +'No, you wicked beast!' says Gruffanuff, driving her along with the +poker--driving her down the cold stairs--driving her through the cold +hall--flinging her out into the cold street, so that the knocker itself +shed tears to see her! + +But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and she +wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and was gone! + + +'And now let us think about breakfast,' says the greedy Queen. + +'What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or the peagreen?' says +Angelica. 'Which do you think the dear Prince will like best?' + +'Mrs. V.!' sings out the King from his dressing-room, 'let us have +sausages for breakfast! Remember we have Prince Bulbo staying with us!' + +And they all went to get ready. + +Nine o'clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and no +Prince Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing and humming: the muffins were +smoking--such a heap of muffins! the eggs were done, there was a pot +of raspberry jam, and coffee, and a beautiful chicken and tongue on the +side-table. Marmitonio the cook brought in the sausages. Oh, how nice +they smelt! + +'Where is Bulbo?' said the King. 'John, where is His Royal Highness?' +John said he had a took hup His Roilighnessesses shaving-water, and +his clothes and things, and he wasn't in his room, which he sposed His +Royliness was just stepped trout. + +'Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!' says the King, +sticking his fork into a sausage. 'My dear, take one. Angelica, won't +you have a saveloy?' The Princess took one, being very fond of them; and +at this moment Glumboso entered with Captain Hedzoff, both looking very +much disturbed. + +'I am afraid Your Majesty--' cries Glumboso. + +'No business before breakfast, Glum!' says the King.' Breakfast first, +business next. Mrs. V., some more sugar!' + +'Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too late,' +says Glumboso. 'He--he--he'll be hanged at half-past nine.' + +'Don't talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, vulgar +man you,' cries the Princess. 'John, some mustard. Pray who is to be +hanged?' + +'Sire, it is the Prince,' whispers Glumboso to the King. + +'Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you!' says His Majesty, +quite sulky. + +'We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it,' says the Minister. 'His +father, King Padella. . .' + +'His father, King WHO?' says the King. 'King Padella is not Giglio's +father. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio's father.' + +'It's Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not Prince Giglio,' says the +Prime Minister. + +'You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the ugly one,' says Hedzoff. +'I didn't, of course, think Your Majesty intended to murder your own +flesh and blood!' + +The King for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff's head. +The Princess cried out 'Hee-kareekaree!' and fell down in a fainting +fit. + +'Turn the cock of the urn upon Her Royal Highness,' said the King, +and the boiling water gradually revived her. His Majesty looked at +his watch, compared it by the clock in the parlour, and by that of the +church in the square opposite; then he wound it up; then he looked at it +again. 'The great question is,' says he, 'am I fast or am I slow? If I'm +slow, we may as well go on with breakfast. If I'm fast, why, there +is just the possibility of saving Prince Bulbo. It's a doosid awkward +mistake, and upon my word, Hedzoff, I have the greatest mind to have you +hanged too.' + +'Sire, I did but my duty; a soldier has but his orders. I didn't expect +after forty-seven years of faithful service that my sovereign would +think of putting me to a felon's death!' + +'A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can't you see that while you are +talking my Bulbo is being hung?' screamed the Princess. + +'By Jove! she's always right, that girl, and I'm so absent,' says the +King, looking at his watch again. 'Ha! there go the drums! What a doosid +awkward thing though!' + +'Oh, papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let me run with it,' cries +the Princess--and she got a sheet of paper, and pen and ink, and laid +them before the King. + +'Confound it! where are my spectacles?' the Monarch exclaimed. +'Angelica! go up into my bedroom, look under my pillow, not your +mamma's; there you'll see my keys. Bring them down to me, and--Well, +well! what impetuous things these girls are!' Angelica was gone, and had +run up panting to the bedroom, and found the keys, and was back again +before the King had finished a muffin. 'Now, love,' says he, 'you must +go all the way back for my desk, in which my spectacles are. If you +would but have heard me out. . . Be hanged to her! There she is off +again. Angelica! ANGELICA!' When His Majesty called in his LOUD voice, +she knew she must obey, and came back. + +'My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, SHUT THE +DOOR. That's a darling. That's all.' At last the keys and the desk and +the spectacles were got, and the King mended his pen, and signed his +name to a reprieve, and Angelica ran with it as swift as the wind. +'You'd better stay, my love, and finish the muffins. There's no use +going. Be sure it's too late. Hand me over that raspberry jam, please,' +said the Monarch. 'Bong! Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew it +was.' + +Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, and +down High Street, and through the Market-place, and down to the left, +and over the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back again, and round +by the Castle, and so along by the Haberdasher's on the right, opposite +the lamp-post, and round the square, and she came--she came to the +EXECUTION PLACE, where she saw Bulbo laying his head on the block!!! The +executioner raised his axe, but at that moment the Princess came panting +up and cried 'Reprieve!' 'Reprieve!' screamed the Princess. 'Reprieve!' +shouted all the people. Up the scaffold stairs she sprang, with the +agility of a lighter of lamps; and flinging herself in Bulbo's arms, +regardless of all ceremony, she cried out, 'Oh, my Prince! my lord! my +love! my Bulbo! Thine Angelica has been in time to save thy precious +existence, sweet rosebud; to prevent thy being nipped in thy young +bloom! Had aught befallen thee, Angelica too had died, and welcomed +death that joined her to her Bulbo.' + +'H'm! there's no accounting for tastes,' said Bulbo, looking so very +much puzzled and uncomfortable that the Princess, in tones of tenderest +strain, asked the cause of his disquiet. + +'I tell you what it is, Angelica,' said he, 'since I came here +yesterday, there has been such a row, and disturbance, and quarrelling, +and fighting, and chopping of heads off, and the deuce to pay, that I am +inclined to go back to Crim Tartary.' + +'But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though wherever thou art is Crim +Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo!' + +'Well, well, I suppose we must be married,' says Bulbo. 'Doctor, you +came to read the Funeral Service--read the Marriage Service, will you? +What must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica, and then, in the name of +peace and quietness, do let us go back to breakfast.' + +Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the time of the dismal +ceremony. It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother that he +ought never to part with it. So he had kept it between his teeth, even +when he laid his poor head upon the block, hoping vaguely that some +chance would turn up in his favour. As he began to speak to Angelica, +he forgot about the rose, and of course it dropped out of his mouth. +The romantic Princess instantly stooped and seized it. 'Sweet rose!' she +exclaimed, 'that bloomed upon my Bulbo's lip, never, never will I part +from thee!' and she placed it in her bosom. And you know Bulbo COULDN'T +ask her to give the rose back again. And they went to breakfast; and as +they walked, it appeared to Bulbo that Angelica became more exquisitely +lovely every moment. + +He was frantic until they were married; and now, strange to say, it was +Angelica who didn't care about him! He knelt down, he kissed her hand, +he prayed and begged; he cried with admiration; while she for her part +said she really thought they might wait; it seemed to her he was not +handsome any more--no, not at all, quite the reverse; and not clever, +no, very stupid; and not well bred, like Giglio; no, on the contrary, +dreadfully vul-- + +What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out 'POOH, stuff!' in a +terrible voice. 'We will have no more of this shilly-shallying! Call the +Archbishop, and let the Prince and Princess be married offhand!' + +So, married they were, and I am sure for my part I trust they will be +happy. + + + + +XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER + +Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town gates, and +so on the great Crim Tartary road, the very way on which Giglio too +was going. 'Ah!' thought she, as the diligence passed her, of which the +conductor was blowing a delightful tune on his horn, 'how I should like +to be on that coach!' But the coach and the jingling horses were very +soon gone. She little knew who was in it, though very likely she was +thinking of him all the time. + +Then came an empty cart, returning from market; and the driver being +a kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging along the road +with bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a seat. He said he lived on +the confines of the forest, where his old father was a woodman, and, if +she liked, he would take her so far on her road. All roads were the same +to little Betsinda, so she very thankfully took this one. + +And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some bread +and cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that she was very cold +and melancholy. When after travelling on and on, evening came, and all +the black pines were bending with snow, and there, at last, was the +comfortable light beaming in the woodman's windows; and so they arrived, +and went into his cottage. He was an old man, and had a number of +children, who were just at supper, with nice hot bread-and-milk, when +their elder brother arrived with the cart. And they jumped and clapped +their hands; for they were good children; and he had brought them toys +from the town. And when they saw the pretty stranger, they ran to +her, and brought her to the fire, and rubbed her poor little feet, and +brought her bread and milk. + +'Look, father!' they said to the old woodman, 'look at this poor girl, +and see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as white as our milk! +And look and see what an odd cloak she has, just like the bit of velvet +that hangs up in our cupboard, and which you found that day the little +cubs were killed by King Padella, in the forest! And look, why, bless +us all! she has got round her neck just such another little shoe as +that you brought home, and have shown us so often--a little blue velvet +shoe!' + +'What,' said the old woodman, 'what is all this about a shoe and a +cloak?' + +And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a little +child, at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the persons who +had taken care of her had--had been angry with her, for no fault, she +hoped, of her own. And they had sent her away with her old clothes--and +here, in fact, she was. She remembered having been in a forest--and +perhaps it was a dream--it was so very odd and strange--having lived in +a cave with lions there; and, before that, having lived in a very, very +fine house, as fine as the King's, in the town. + +When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite curious +to see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, and took out of +a stocking a five-shilling piece of King Cavolfiore, and vowed it was +exactly like the young woman. And then he produced the shoe and piece +of velvet which he had kept so long, and compared them with the things +which Betsinda wore. In Betsinda's little shoe was written, 'Hopkins, +maker to the Royal Family'; so in the other shoe was written, 'Hopkins, +maker to the Royal Family.' In the inside of Betsinda's piece of +cloak was embroidered, 'PRIN ROSAL'; in the other piece of cloak was +embroidered 'CESS BA. NO. 246.' So that when put together you read, +'PRINCESS ROSALBA. NO. 246.' + +On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, saying, +'O my Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my rightful Queen of Crim +Tartary,--I hail thee--I acknowledge thee--I do thee homage!' And in +token of his fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three times on the +ground, and put the Princess's foot on his head. + +'Why,' said she, 'my good woodman, you must be a nobleman of my royal +father's Court!' For in her lowly retreat, and under the name of +Betsinda, HER MAJESTY, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, had read of the +customs of all foreign courts and nations. + +'Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege--the poor Lord Spinachi +once--the humble woodman these fifteen years syne. Ever since the tyrant +Padella (may ruin overtake the treacherous knave!) dismissed me from my +post of First Lord.' + +'First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snuffbox? I mind +me! Thou heldest these posts under our royal Sire. They are restored to +thee, Lord Spinachi! I make thee knight of the second class of our Order +of the Pumpkin (the first class being reserved for crowned heads alone). +Rise, Marquis of Spinachi!' And with indescribable majesty, the Queen, +who had no sword handy, waved the pewter spoon with which she had been +taking her bread-and-milk, over the bald head of the old nobleman, whose +tears absolutely made a puddle on the ground, and whose dear children +went to bed that night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina, +and Ottavia degli Spinachi! + +The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history, and noble families +of her empire, was wonderful. 'The House of Broccoli should remain +faithful to us,' she said; 'they were ever welcome at our Court. Have +the Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to the Rising Sun? The family +of Sauerkraut must sure be with us--they were ever welcome in the halls +of King Cavolfiore.' And so she went on enumerating quite a list of +the nobility and gentry of Crim Tartary, so admirably had Her Majesty +profited by her studies while in exile. + +The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer for them all; that the +whole country groaned under Padella's tyranny, and longed to return to +its rightful sovereign; and late as it was, he sent his children, who +knew the forest well, to summon this nobleman and that; and when his +eldest son, who had been rubbing the horse down and giving him his +supper, came into the house for his own, the Marquis told him to put his +boots on, and a saddle on the mare, and ride hither and thither to such +and such people. + + +When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, he too +knelt down and put her royal foot on his head; he too bedewed the ground +with his tears; he was frantically in love with her, as everybody now +was who saw her: so were the young Lords Bartolomeo and Ubaldo, who +punched each other's little heads out of jealousy; and so, when they +came from east and west at the summons of the Marquis degli Spinachi, +were the Crim Tartar Lords who still remained faithful to the House of +Cavolfiore. They were such very old gentlemen for the most part that Her +Majesty never suspected their absurd passion, and went among them quite +unaware of the havoc her beauty was causing, until an old blind Lord who +had joined her party told her what the truth was; after which, for fear +of making the people too much in love with her, she always wore a veil. +She went about privately, from one nobleman's castle to another; and +they visited among themselves again, and had meetings, and composed +proclamations and counter-proclamations, and distributed all the best +places of the kingdom amongst one another, and selected who of the +opposition party should be executed when the Queen came to her own. And +so in about a year they were ready to move. + +The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of very feeble old fogies +for the most part; they went about the country waving their old swords +and flags, and calling 'God save the Queen!' and King Padella happening +to be absent upon an invasion, they had their own way for a little, +and to be sure the people were very enthusiastic whenever they saw the +Queen; otherwise the vulgar took matters very quietly, for they said, +as far as they could recollect, they were pretty well as much taxed in +Cavolfiore's time, as now in Padella's. + + + + +XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT HOGGINARMO + +Her Majesty, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her followers +Knights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls, and Baronets; and they had +a little court for her, and made her a little crown of gilt paper, and a +robe of cotton velvet; and they quarrelled about the places to be given +away in her court, and about rank and precedence and dignities;--you +can't think how they quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of her +honours before she had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimes +even to be a lady's-maid again. But we must all do our duty in our +respective stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform hers. + +We have said how it happened that none of the Usurper's troops came out +to oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as nimbly as the +gout of the principal commanders allowed: it consisted of twice as many +officers as soldiers: and at length passed near the estates of one of +the most powerful noblemen of the country, who had not declared for the +Queen, but of whom her party had hopes, as he was always quarrelling +with King Padella. + +When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say he +would wait upon Her Majesty: he was a most powerful warrior, and his +name was Count Hogginarmo, whose helmet it took two strong negroes to +carry. He knelt down before her and said, 'Madam and liege lady! it +becomes the great nobles of the Crimean realm to show every outward sign +of respect to the wearer of the Crown, whoever that may be. We testify +to our own nobility in acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bends +the knee to the first of the aristocracy of his country.' + +Rosalba said, 'The bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly kind.' But +she felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his eyes scowled +at her from between his whiskers, which grew up to them. + +'The first Count of the Empire, madam,' he went on, 'salutes the +Sovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the not more noble lady! +Madam, my hand is free, and I offer it, and my heart and my sword to +your service! My three wives lie buried in my ancestral vaults. The +third perished but a year since; and this heart pines for a consort! +Deign to be mine, and I swear to bring to your bridal table the head of +King Padella, the eyes and nose of his son Prince Bulbo, the right hand +and ears of the usurping Sovereign of Paflagonia, which country shall +thenceforth be an appanage to your--to OUR Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo is +not accustomed to be denied. Indeed I cannot contemplate the possibility +of a refusal: for frightful will be the result; dreadful the murders; +furious the devastations; horrible the tyranny; tremendous the tortures, +misery, taxation, which the people of this realm will endure, if +Hogginarmo's wrath be aroused! I see consent in Your Majesty's lovely +eyes--their glances fill my soul with rapture!' + +'Oh, sir!' Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright. 'Your +Lordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry to tell you that I have a +prior attachment to a young gentleman by the name of--Prince Giglio--and +never--never can marry any one but him.' + +Who can describe Hogginarmo's wrath at this remark? Rising up from the +ground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out of his mouth, from +which at the same time issued remarks and language, so LOUD, +VIOLENT, AND IMPROPER, that this pen shall never repeat them! +'R-r-r-r-rr--Rejected! Fiends and perdition! The bold Hogginarmo +rejected! All the world shall hear of my rage; and you, madam, you above +all shall rue it!' And kicking the two negroes before him, he rushed +away, his whiskers streaming in the wind. + +Her Majesty's Privy Council was in a dreadful panic when they saw +Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering rage, making +footballs of the poor negroes--a panic which the events justified. They +marched off from Hogginarmo's park very crestfallen; and in another +half-hour they were met by that rapacious chieftain with a few of his +followers, who cut, slashed, charged, whacked, banged, and pommelled +amongst them, took the Queen prisoner, and drove the Army of Fidelity to +I don't know where. + +Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to see her. +'Get a horse-van!' he said to his grooms, 'clap the hussy into it, and +send her, with my compliments, to His Majesty King Padella.' + +Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full of servile +compliments and loathsome flatteries to King Padella, for whose life, +and that of his royal family, the HYPOCRITICAL HUMBUG pretended to offer +the most fulsome prayers. And Hogginarmo promised speedily to pay his +humble homage at his august master's throne, of which he begged leave to +be counted the most loyal and constant defender. Such a WARY old BIRD +as King Padella was not to be caught by Master Hogginarmo's CHAFF and we +shall hear presently how the tyrant treated his upstart vassal. No, no; +depend on's, two such rogues do not trust one another. + +So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and driven +along in the dark ever so many miles to the Court, where King Padella +had now arrived, having vanquished all his enemies, murdered most of +them, and brought some of the richest into captivity with him for the +purpose of torturing them and finding out where they had hidden their +money. + +Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which she was +thrust; a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, mice, toads, frogs, +mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and every kind of horror. No light +was let into it, otherwise the gaolers might have seen her and fallen in +love with her, as an owl that lived up in the roof of the tower did, and +a cat, you know, who can see in the dark, and having set its green eyes +on Rosalba, never would be got to go back to the turnkey's wife to whom +it belonged. And the toads in the dungeon came and kissed her feet, +and the vipers wound round her neck and arms, and never hurt her, so +charming was this poor Princess in the midst of her misfortunes. + +At last, after she had been kept in this place EVER SO LONG, the door of +the dungeon opened, and the terrible KING PADELLA came in. + +But what he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, as we +must now back to Prince Giglio. + + + + +XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO + +The idea of marrying such an old creature as Gruffanuff frightened +Prince Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed his trunks, +fetched in a couple of porters, and was off to the diligence office in a +twinkling. + +It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not dawdle over +his luggage, and took the early coach, for as soon as the mistake about +Prince Bulbo was found out, that cruel Glumboso sent up a couple of +policemen to Prince Giglio's room, with orders that he should be carried +to Newgate, and his head taken off before twelve o'clock. But the coach +was out of the Paflagonian dominions before two o'clock; and I dare say +the express that was sent after Prince Giglio did not ride very quick, +for many people in Paflagonia had a regard for Giglio, as the son of +their old sovereign; a Prince who, with all his weaknesses, was very +much better than his brother, the usurping, lazy, careless, passionate, +tyrannical, reigning monarch. That Prince busied himself with the balls, +fetes, masquerades, hunting-parties, and so forth, which he thought +proper to give on occasion of his daughter's marriage to Prince Bulbo; +and let us trust was not sorry in his own heart that his brother's son +had escaped the scaffold. + +It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, and +Giglio, who gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was very glad to get a +comfortable place in the coupe of the diligence, where he sat with the +conductor and another gentleman. At the first stage from Blombodinga, +as they stopped to change horses, there came up to the diligence a very +ordinary, vulgar-looking woman, with a bag under her arm, who asked +for a place. All the inside places were taken, and the young woman was +informed that if she wished to travel, she must go upon the roof; and +the passenger inside with Giglio (a rude person, I should think), put +his head out of the window, and said, 'Nice weather for travelling +outside! I wish you a pleasant journey, my dear.' The poor woman coughed +very much, and Giglio pitied her. 'I will give up my place to her,' +says he, 'rather than she should travel in the cold air with that horrid +cough.' On which the vulgar traveller said, 'YOU'D keep her warm, I am +sure, if it's a MUFF she wants.' On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxed +his ears, hit him in the eye, and gave this vulgar person a warning +never to call him MUFF again. + +Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the diligence, and made +himself very comfortable in the straw. + +The vulgar traveller got down only at the next station, and Giglio took +his place again, and talked to the person next to him. She appeared +to be a most agreeable, well-informed, and entertaining female. They +travelled together till night, and she gave Giglio all sorts of things +out of the bag which she carried, and which indeed seemed to contain the +most wonderful collection of articles. He was thirsty--out there came a +pint bottle of Bass's pale ale, and a silver mug! Hungry--she took out +a cold fowl, some slices of ham, bread, salt, and a most delicious piece +of cold plum-pudding, and a little glass of brandy afterwards. + +As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to Giglio on +a variety of subjects, in which the poor Prince showed his ignorance as +much as she did her capacity. He owned, with many blushes, how ignorant +he was; on which the lady said, 'My dear Gigl--my good Mr. Giles, you +are a young man, and have plenty of time before you. You have nothing to +do but to improve yourself. Who knows but that you may find use for your +knowledge some day? When--when you may be wanted at home, as some people +may be.' + +'Good heavens, madam!' says he, 'do you know me?' + +'I know a number of funny things,' says the lady. 'I have been at some +people's christenings, and turned away from other folks' doors. I have +seen some people spoilt by good fortune, and others, as I hope, improved +by hardship. I advise you to stay at the town where the coach stops for +the night. Stay there and study, and remember your old friend to whom +you were kind.' + +'And who is my old friend?' asked Giglio. + +'When you want anything,' says the lady, 'look in this bag, which I +leave to you as a present, and be grateful to--' + +'To whom, madam?' says he. + +'To the Fairy Blackstick,' says the lady, flying out of the window. And +then Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where the lady was? + +'What lady?' says the man; 'there has been no lady in this coach, except +the old woman, who got out at the last stage.' And Giglio thought he +had been dreaming. But there was the bag which Blackstick had given him +lying on his lap; and when he came to the town he took it in his hand +and went into the inn. + +They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio, when he woke in the +morning, fancying himself in the Royal Palace at home, called, 'John, +Charles, Thomas! My chocolate--my dressing-gown--my slippers'; but +nobody came. There was no bell, so he went and bawled out for water on +the top of the stairs. + +The landlady came up. + +'What are you a hollering and a bellaring for here, young man?' says +she. + +'There's no warm water--no servants; my boots are not even cleaned.' + +'He, he! Clean 'em yourself,' says the landlady. 'You young students +give yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such impudence.' + +'I'll quit the house this instant,' says Giglio. + +'The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. All my +rooms is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as you.' + +'You may well keep the Bear Inn,' said Giglio. 'You should have yourself +painted as the sign.' + +The landlady of the Bear went away GROWLING. And Giglio returned to his +room, where the first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying on the table, +which seemed to give a little hop as he came in. 'I hope it has some +breakfast in it,' says Giglio, 'for I have only a very little +money left.' But on opening the bag, what do you think was there? A +blacking-brush and a pot of Warren's jet, and on the pot was written: + + Poor young men their boots must black: + Use me and cork me and put me back. + +So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush and the +bottle into the bag. + +When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little hop, and +he went to it and took out-- + +1. A tablecloth and a napkin. + +2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar. + +4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair of +sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked G. + +11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin. + +14. A jug full of delicious cream. + +15. A canister with black tea and green. + +16. A large tea-urn and boiling water. + +17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done. + +18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter. + +19. A brown loaf. + +And if he hadn't enough now for a good breakfast, I should like to know +who ever had one? + +Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back into +the bag, and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to say that this +celebrated university town was called Bosforo. + +He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools, paid his bill at the +inn, and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet-bag, and not +forgetting, we may be sure, his OTHER bag. + +When he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled with his +best clothes, he found it contained only books. And in the first of them +which he opened there was written-- + +Clothes for the back, books for the head: Read and remember them when +they are read. + +And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student's cap and +gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, and a Johnson's +dictionary, which was very useful to him, as his spelling had been sadly +neglected. + +So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard for a whole year, +during which 'Mr. Giles' was quite an example to all the students in the +University of Bosforo. He never got into any riots or disturbances. The +Professors all spoke well of him, and the students liked him too; so +that, when at examination, he took all the prizes, viz. + + {The Spelling Prize {The French Prize + {The Writing Prize {The Arithmetic Prize + {The History Prize {The Latin Prize + {The Catechism Prize {The Good Conduct Prize, + +all his fellow-students said, 'Hurrah! Hurray for Giles! Giles is +the boy--the student's joy! Hurray for Giles!' And he brought quite a +quantity of medals, crowns, books, and tokens of distinction home to his +lodgings. + +One day after the Examinations, as he was diverting himself at a +coffee-house with two friends--(Did I tell you that in his bag, every +Saturday night, he found just enough to pay his bills, with a guinea +over, for pocket-money? Didn't I tell you? Well, he did, as sure as twice +twenty makes forty-five)--he chanced to look in the Bosforo Chronicle, +and read off, quite easily (for he could spell, read, and write the +longest words now), the following:-- + +'ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE.--One of the most extraordinary adventures that +we have ever heard has set the neighbouring country of Crim Tartary in a +state of great excitement. + +'It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign of Crim +Tartary, His Majesty King PADELLA, took possession of the throne, after +having vanquished, in the terrific battle of Blunderbusco, the late +King CAVOLFIORE, that Prince's only child, the Princess Rosalba, was not +found in the royal palace, of which King Padella took possession, and, +it was said, had strayed into the forest (being abandoned by all her +attendants) where she had been eaten up by those ferocious lions, the +last pair of which were captured some time since, and brought to the +Tower, after killing several hundred persons. + +'His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the world, +was grieved at the accident which had occurred to the harmless little +Princess, for whom His Majesty's known benevolence would certainly have +provided a fitting establishment. But her death seemed to be certain. +The mangled remains of a cloak, and a little shoe, were found in the +forest, during a hunting-party, in which the intrepid sovereign of +Crim Tartary slew two of the lions' cubs with his own spear. And these +interesting relics of an innocent little creature were carried home +and kept by their finder, the Baron Spinachi, formerly an officer in +Cavolfiore's household. The Baron was disgraced in consequence of his +known legitimist opinions, and has lived for some time in the humble +capacity of a wood-cutter, in a forest on the outskirts of the Kingdom +of Crim Tartary. + +'Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of gentlemen, attached +to the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying, "God save Rosalba, +the first Queen of Crim Tartary!" and surrounding a lady whom report +describes as "BEAUTIFUL EXCEEDINGLY." Her history MAY be authentic, is +certainly most romantic. + +'The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was brought out +of the forest, fifteen years since, by a lady in a car drawn by dragons +(this account is certainly IMPROBABLE), that she was left in the Palace +Garden of Blombodinga, where Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica, +now married to His Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, +found the child, and, with THAT ELEGANT BENEVOLENCE which has always +distinguished the heiress of the throne of Paflagonia, gave the little +outcast a SHELTER AND A HOME! Her parentage not being known, and her +garb very humble, the foundling was educated in the Palace in a menial +capacity, under the name of BETSINDA. + +'She did not give satisfaction, and was dismissed, carrying with her, +certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe, which she had on when first +found. According to her statement she quitted Blombodinga about a year +ago, since which time she has been with the Spinachi family. On the +very same morning the Prince Giglio, nephew to the King of Paflagonia, +a young Prince whose character for TALENT and ORDER were, to say truth, +none of the HIGHEST, also quitted Blombodinga, and has not been since +heard of!' + +'What an extraordinary story!' said Smith and Jones, two young students, +Giglio's especial friends. + +'Ha! what is this?' Giglio went on, reading-- + +'SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS.--We hear that the troop under Baron Spinachi +has been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General Count Hogginarmo, +and the soidisant Princess is sent a prisoner to the capital. + +'UNIVERSITY NEWS.--Yesterday, at the Schools, the distinguished young +student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was complimented by +the Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with the highest University +honour--the wooden spoon.' + +'Never mind that stuff,' says GILES, greatly disturbed. 'Come home +with me, my friends. Gallant Smith! intrepid Jones! friends of my +studies--partakers of my academic toils--I have that to tell which shall +astonish your honest minds.' + +'Go it, old boy!' cries the impetuous Smith. + +'Talk away, my buck!' says Jones, a lively fellow. + +With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their natural, but +no more seemly, familiarity. 'Jones, Smith, my good friends,' said the +PRINCE, 'disguise is henceforth useless; I am no more the humble student +Giles, I am the descendant of a royal line.' + +'Atavis edite regibus, I know, old co--' cried Jones. He was going to +say old cock, but a flash from THE ROYAL EYE again awed him. + +'Friends,' continued the Prince, 'I am that Giglio, I am, in fact, +Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public street. Jones, thou +true heart! My faithless uncle, when I was a baby, filched from me that +brave crown my father left me, bred me, all young and careless of my +rights, like unto hapless Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; and had I any +thoughts about my wrongs, soothed me with promises of near redress. I +should espouse his daughter, young Angelica; we two indeed should reign +in Paflagonia. His words were false--false as Angelica's heart!--false +as Angelica's hair, colour, front teeth! She looked with her skew eyes +upon young Bulbo, Crim Tartary's stupid heir, and she preferred him.' +Twas then I turned my eyes upon Betsinda--Rosalba, as she now is. And +I saw in her the blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maiden +modesty; the nymph that my fond heart had ever woo'd in dreams,' etc. +etc. + +(I don't give this speech, which was very fine, but very long; and +though Smith and Jones knew nothing about the circumstances, my dear +reader does, so I go on.) + +The Prince and his young friends hastened home to his apartment, +highly excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by the ROYAL NARRATOR'S +admirable manner of recounting it, and they ran up to his room where he +had worked so hard at his books. + +On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the Prince could +not help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and what do you think +he found in it? + +A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded, cut-and-thrust +sword, and on the sheath was embroidered 'ROSALBA FOR EVER!' + +He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole room, and +called out 'Rosalba for ever!' Smith and Jones following him, but quite +respectfully this time, and taking the time from His Royal Highness. + +And now his trunk opened with a sudden pony, and out there came three +ostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful shining steel +helmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a complete suit of armour. + +The books on Giglio's shelves were all gone. Where there had been some +great dictionaries, Giglio's friends found two pairs of jack-boots +labelled, 'Lieutenant Smith,' '--Jones, Esq.,' which fitted them to a +nicety. Besides, there were helmets, back and breast plates, swords, +etc., just like in Mr. G. P. R. James's novels; and that evening three +cavaliers might have been seen issuing from the gates of Bosforo, in +whom the porters, proctors, etc., never thought of recognising the young +Prince and his friends. + +They got horses at a livery stable-keeper's, and never drew bridle +until they reached the last town on the frontier before you come to Crim +Tartary. Here, as their animals were tired, and the cavaliers hungry, +they stopped and refreshed at an hostel. I could make a chapter of this +if I were like some writers, but I like to cram my measure tight down, +you see, and give you a great deal for your money, and, in a word, they +had some bread and cheese and ale upstairs on the balcony of the inn. +As they were drinking, drums and trumpets sounded nearer and nearer, +the marketplace was filled with soldiers, and His Royal Highness looking +forth, recognised the Paflagonian banners, and the Paflagonian national +air which the bands were playing. + +The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up Giglio +exclaimed, on beholding their leader, 'Whom do I see? Yes! No! It is, +it is! Phoo! No, it can't be! Yes! It is my friend, my gallant faithful +veteran, Captain Hedzoff! Ho! Hedzoff! Knowest thou not thy Prince, thy +Giglio? Good Corporal, methinks we once were friends. Ha, Sergeant, an' +my memory serves me right, we have had many a bout at singlestick.' + +'I' faith, we have, a many, good my Lord,' says the Sergeant. + +'Tell me, what means this mighty armament,' continued His Royal Highness +from the balcony, 'and whither march my Paflagonians?' + +Hedzoff's head fell. 'My Lord,' he said, 'we march as the allies of +great Padella, Crim Tartary's monarch.' + +'Crim Tartary's usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary's grim tyrant, +honest Hedzoff!' said the Prince, on the balcony, quite sarcastically. + +'A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders: mine are to help His +Majesty Padella. And also (though alack that I should say it!) to seize +wherever I should light upon him.' + +'First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!' exclaimed His Royal Highness. + +'--On the body of GIGLIO, whilome Prince of Paflagonia' Hedzoff went on, +with indescribable emotion. 'My Prince, give up your sword without ado. +Look! we are thirty thousand men to one!' + +'Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!' cried the Prince; and +stepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, WITHOUT +PREPARATION, delivered a speech so magnificent, that no report can do +justice to it. It was all in blank verse (in which, from this time, he +invariably spoke, as more becoming his majestic station). It lasted for +three days and three nights, during which not a single person who heard +him was tired, or remarked the difference between daylight and dark. +The soldiers only cheering tremendously, when occasionally, once in nine +hours, the Prince paused to suck an orange, which Jones took out of the +bag. He explained, in terms which we say we shall not attempt to convey, +the whole history of the previous transaction, and his determination not +only not to give up his sword, but to assume his rightful crown; and +at the end of this extraordinary, this truly GIGANTIC effort, Captain +Hedzoff flung up his helmet, and cried, 'Hurray! Hurray! Long live King +Giglio!' + +Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at College! + +When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the army, and +their Sovereign himself did not disdain a little! And now it was with +some alarm that Captain Hedzoff told him his division was only the +advanced guard of the Paflagonian contingent, hastening to King +Padella's aid; the main force being a day's march in the rear under His +Royal Highness Prince Bulbo. + +'We will wait here, good friend, to beat the Prince,' His Majesty said, +'and THEN will make his royal father wince.' + + + + +XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA + +King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those which she +had received from the various princes who, as we have seen, had fallen +in love with her. His Majesty was a widower, and offered to marry his +fair captive that instant, but she declined his invitation in her usual +polite gentle manner, stating that Prince Giglio was her love, and +that any other union was out of the question. Having tried tears and +supplications in vain, this violent-tempered monarch menaced her with +threats and tortures; but she declared she would rather suffer all these +than accept the hand of her father's murderer, who left her finally, +uttering the most awful imprecations, and bidding her prepare for death +on the following morning. + +All night long the King spent in advising how he should get rid of this +obdurate young creature. Cutting off her head was much too easy a death +for her; hanging was so common in His Majesty's dominions that it no +longer afforded him any sport; finally, he bethought himself of a pair +of fierce lions which had lately been sent to him as presents, and he +determined, with these ferocious brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down. +Adjoining his castle was an amphitheatre where the Prince indulged in +bull-baiting, rat-hunting, and other ferocious sports. The two lions +were kept in a cage under this place; their roaring might be heard over +the whole city, the inhabitants of which, I am sorry to say, thronged in +numbers to see a poor young lady gobbled up by two wild beasts. + +The King took his place in the royal box, having the officers of his +Court around and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon whom His Majesty +was observed to look very fiercely; the fact is, royal spies had told +the monarch of Hogginarmo's behaviour, his proposals to Rosalba, and his +offer to fight for the crown. Black as thunder looked King Padella at +this proud noble, as they sat in the front seats of the theatre waiting +to see the tragedy whereof poor Rosalba was to be the heroine. + +At length that Princess was brought out in her nightgown, with all her +beautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so pretty that even +the beef-eaters and keepers of the wild animals wept plentifully at +seeing her. And she walked with her poor little feet (only luckily the +arena was covered with sawdust), and went and leaned up against a great +stone in the centre of the amphitheatre, round which the Court and the +people were seated in boxes, with bars before them, for fear of +the great, fierce, red-maned, black-throated, long-tailed, roaring, +bellowing, rushing lions. And now the gates were opened, and with a +wurrawarrurawarar two great lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed out of +their den, where they had been kept for three weeks on nothing but a +little toast-and-water, and dashed straight up to the stone where poor +Rosalba was waiting. Commend her to your patron saints, all you kind +people, for she is in a dreadful state! + +There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the fierce King +Padella even felt a little compassion. But Count Hogginarmo, seated by +His Majesty, roared out 'Hurray! Now for it! Soo-soo-soo!' that nobleman +being uncommonly angry still at Rosalba's refusal of him. + +But O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O extraordinary +coincidence, which I am sure none of you could BY ANY POSSIBILITY have +divined! When the lions came to Rosalba, instead of devouring her with +their great teeth, it was with kisses they gobbled her up! They licked +her pretty feet, they nuzzled their noses in her lap, they moo'd, they +seemed to say, 'Dear, dear sister don't you recollect your brothers in +the forest?' And she put her pretty white arms round their tawny necks, +and kissed them. + +King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo was +extremely disgusted. 'Pooh!' the Count cried. 'Gammon!' exclaimed his +Lordship.' These lions are tame beasts come from Wombwell's or Astley's. +It is a shame to put people off in this way. I believe they are little +boys dressed up in door-mats. They are no lions at all.' + +'Ha!' said the King, 'you dare to say "gammon" to your Sovereign, do +you? These lions are no lions at all, aren't they? Ho! my beef-eaters! +Ho! my bodyguard! Take this Count Hogginarmo and fling him into the +circus! Give him a sword and buckler, let him keep his armour on, and +his weather-eye out, and fight these lions.' + +The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked scowling +round at the King and his attendants. 'Touch me not, dogs!' he said, +'or by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will gore you! Your Majesty thinks +Hogginarmo is afraid? No, not of a hundred thousand lions! Follow me +down into the circus, King Padella, and match thyself against one of +yon brutes. Thou darest not. Let them both come on, then!' And opening a +grating of the box, he jumped lightly down into the circus. + + WURRA WURRA WURRA WUR-AW-AW-AW!!! + In about two minutes + The Count Hogginarmo was + GOBBLED UP + by + those lions, + bones, boots, and all, + and + There was an + End of him. + +At this, the King said, 'Serve him right, the rebellious ruffian! And +now, as those lions won't eat that young woman--' + +'Let her off!--let her off!' cried the crowd. + +'NO!' roared the King. 'Let the beef-eaters go down and chop her into +small pieces. If the lions defend her, let the archers shoot them to +death. That hussy shall die in tortures!' + +'A-a-ah!' cried the crowd. 'Shame! shame!' + +'Who dares cry out shame?' cried the furious potentate (so little can +tyrants command their passions). 'Fling any scoundrel who says a word +down among the lions!' + +I warrant you there was a dead silence then, which was broken by a Pang +arang pang pangkarangpang, and a Knight and a Herald rode in at the +further end of the circus: the Knight, in full armour, with his vizor +up, and bearing a letter on the point of his lance. + +'Ha!' exclaimed the King, 'by my fey, 'tis Elephant and Castle, +pursuivant of my brother of Paflagonia; and the Knight, an' my memory +serves me, is the gallant Captain Hedzoff! What news from Paflagonia, +gallant Hedzoff? Elephant and Castle, beshrew me, thy trumpeting must +have made thee thirsty. What will my trusty herald like to drink?' + +'Bespeaking first safe conduct from your Lordship,' said Captain +Hedzoff, 'before we take a drink of anything, permit us to deliver our +King's message.' + +'My Lordship, ha!' said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. 'That title +soundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned King. Straightway +speak out your message, Knight and Herald!' + +Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the King's +balcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and bade him begin. + +Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, took a +large sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to read:-- + +'O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these presents, that we, Giglio, +King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign Prince of Turkey +and the Sausage Islands, having assumed our rightful throne and title, +long time falsely borne by our usurping Uncle, styling himself King of +Paflagonia--' + +'Ha!' growled Padella. + +'Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King of Crim +Tartary--' + +The King's curses were dreadful. 'Go on, Elephant and Castle!' said the +intrepid Hedzoff. + +'--To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and rightful +Sovereign, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore her to her royal +throne: in default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the said Padella sneak, +traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I challenge him to meet me, with +fists or with pistols, with battle-axe or sword, with blunderbuss or +singlestick, alone or at the head of his army, on foot or on horseback; +and will prove my words upon his wicked ugly body!' + +'God save the King!' said Captain Hedzoff, executing a demivolte, two +semilunes, and three caracols. + +'Is that all?' said Padella, with the terrific calm of concentrated +fury. + +'That, sir, is all my royal master's message. Here is His Majesty's +letter in autograph, and here is his glove, and if any gentleman of +Crim Tartary chooses to find fault with His Majesty's expressions, I, +Tuffskin Hedzoff, Captain of the Guard, am very much at his service,' +and he waved his lance, and looked at the assembly all round. + +'And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son's +father-in-law, to this rubbish?' asked the King. + +'The King's uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly wore,' +said Hedzoff gravely. 'He and his axminister, Glumboso, are now in +prison waiting the sentence of my royal master. After the battle of +Bombardaro--' + +'Of what?' asked the surprised Padella. + +'Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present Majesty, would have +performed prodigies of velour, but that the whole of his uncle's army +came over to our side, with the exception of Prince Bulbo.' + +'Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!' cried Padella. + +'Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir; but I caught +him. The Prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most terrific +tortures await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba's head is injured.' + +'Do they?' exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly LIVID +with rage.' Do they indeed? So much the worse for Bulbo. I've twenty +sons as lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as fit to reign as Bulbo. +Whip, whack, flog, starve, rack, punish, torture Bulbo--break all his +bones--roast him or flay him alive--pull all his pretty teeth out one by +one! But justly dear as Bulbo is to me,--joy of my eyes, fond treasure +of my soul!--Ha, ha, ha, ha! revenge is dearer still. Ho! tortures, +rack-men, executioners--light up the fires and make the pincers hot! get +lots of boiling lead!--Bring out ROSALBA!' + + + + +XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO + +Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel command, +having done his duty in delivering the message with which his royal +master had entrusted him. Of course he was very sorry for Rosalba, but +what could he do? + +So he returned to King Giglio's camp, and found the young monarch in a +disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the royal tent. His +Majesty's agitation was not appeased by the news that was brought by +his ambassador. 'The brutal ruthless ruffian royal wretch!' Giglio +exclaimed. 'As England's poesy has well remarked, "The man that lays +his hand upon a woman, save in the way of kindness, is a villain." Ha, +Hedzoff!' + +'That he is, your Majesty,' said the attendant. + +'And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and didn't the soothing +oil--the emollient oil, refuse to boil, good Hedzoff--and to spoil the +fairest lady ever eyes did look on?' + +'Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a beauteous lady +boiling down; I took your royal message to Padella, and bore his back +to you. I told him you would hold Prince Bulbo answerable. He only said +that he had twenty sons as good as Bulbo, and forthwith he bade the +ruthless executioners proceed.' + +'O cruel father--O unhappy son!' cried the King. 'Go, some of you, and +bring Prince Bulbo hither.' + +Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. Though a +prisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because his mind was at +rest, and all the fighting was over, and he was playing at marbles with +his guards when the King sent for him. + +'Oh, my poor Bulbo,' said His Majesty, with looks of infinite +compassion, 'hast thou heard the news?' (for you see Giglio wanted to +break the thing gently to the Prince), 'thy brutal father has condemned +Rosalba--p-p-p-ut her to death, P-p-p-prince Bulbo!' + +'What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo,' cried out Bulbo. 'Betsinda! pretty +Betsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the dearest little girl in the world. +I love her better twenty thousand times even than Angelica,' and he went +on expressing his grief in so hearty and unaffected a manner that the +King was quite touched by it, and said, shaking Bulbo's hand, that he +wished he had known Bulbo sooner. + +Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered to come +and sit with His Majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, and console him. +The ROYAL KINDNESS supplied Bulbo with a cigar; he had not had one, he +said, since he was taken prisoner. + +And now think what must have been the feelings of the most MERCIFUL OF +MONARCHS, when he informed his prisoner that, in consequence of King +Padella's cruel and DASTARDLY BEHAVIOUR to Rosalba, Prince Bulbo must +instantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not restrain his tears, +nor could the Grenadiers, nor the officers, nor could Bulbo himself, +when the matter was explained to him, and he was brought to understand +that His Majesty's promise, of course, was ABOVE EVERY THING, and Bulbo +must submit. So poor Bulbo was led out, Hedzoff trying to console him, +by pointing out that if he had won the battle of Bombardaro, he might +have hanged Prince Giglio. 'Yes! But that is no comfort to me now!' said +poor Bulbo; nor indeed was it, poor fellow! + +He was told the business would be done the next morning at eight, and +was taken back to his dungeon, where every attention was paid to him. +The gaoler's wife sent him tea, and the turnkey's daughter begged him +to write his name in her album, where a many gentlemen had written it on +like occasions! 'Bother your album!' says Bulbo. The Undertaker came and +measured him for the handsomest coffin which money could buy--even this +didn't console Bulbo. The Cook brought him dishes which he once used to +like; but he wouldn't touch them: he sat down and began writing an adieu +to Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawing +nearer to next morning. The Barber came in at night, and offered to +shave him for the next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and went +on writing a few words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept always +ticking, and the hands hopping nearer and nearer to next morning. He got +up on the top of a hatbox, on the top of a chair, on the top of his bed, +on the top of his table, and looked out to see whether he might escape +as the clock kept always ticking and the hands drawing nearer, and +nearer, and nearer. + +But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping another: and +the town clock struck seven. So he got into bed for a little sleep, but +the gaoler came and woke him, and said, 'Git up, your Royal Ighness, if +you please, it's TEN MINUTES TO EIGHT!' + +So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his clothes (the lazy boy), +and he shook himself, and said he didn't mind about dressing, or having +any breakfast, thank you; and he saw the soldiers who had come for him. +'Lead on!' he said; and they led the way, deeply affected; and they came +into the courtyard, and out into the square, and there was King Giglio +come to take leave of him, and His Majesty most kindly shook hands with +him, and the 'Take off that marched on:--when hark! + +Haw--wurraw--wurraw--aworr! + +A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding into the +town, frightening away the boys, and even the beadle and policeman, but +ROSALBA! + +The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court of +Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, the lions made +a dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six beef-eaters in a jiffy, and +away they went with Rosalba on the back of one of them, and they carried +her, turn and turn about, till they came to the city where Prince +Giglio's army was encamped. + +When the KING heard of the QUEEN'S arrival, you may think how he rushed +out of his breakfast-room to hand Her Majesty off her lion! The lions +were grown as fat as pigs now, having had Hogginarmo and all those +beefeaters, and were so tame, anybody might pat them. + +While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped the Princess, Bulbo, +for his part, rushed up and kissed the lion. He flung his arms round the +forest monarch; he hugged him, and laughed and cried for joy. 'Oh, you +darling old beast, oh, how glad I am to see you, and the dear, dear +Bets--that is, Rosalba.' + +'What, is it you? poor Bulbo!' said the Queen.' Oh, how glad I am to see +you,' and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio slapped him most +kindly on the back, and said, 'Bulbo, my boy, I am delighted, for your +sake, that Her Majesty has arrived.' + +'So am I,' said Bulbo; 'and YOU KNOW WHY.' Captain Hedzoff here came up. +'Sire, it is half-past eight: shall we proceed with the execution?' + +'Execution! what for?' asked Bulbo. + +'An officer only knows his orders,' replied Captain Hedzoff, showing his +warrant, on which His Majesty King Giglio smilingly said, 'Prince Bulbo +was reprieved this time,' and most graciously invited him to breakfast. + + + + +XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT + +As soon as King Padella heard, what we know already, that his victim, +the lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, His Majesty's fury knew no bounds, +and he pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chamberlain, and every officer +of the Crown whom he could set eyes on, into the cauldron of boiling oil +prepared for the Princess. Then he ordered out his whole army, horse, +foot, and artillery; and set forth at the head of an innumerable host, +and I should think twenty thousand drummers, trumpeters, and fifers. + +King Giglio's advance guard, you may be sure, kept that monarch +acquainted with the enemy's dealings, and he was in nowise disconcerted. +He was much too polite to alarm the Princess, his lovely guest, with +any unnecessary rumours of battles impending; on the contrary, he did +everything to amuse and divert her; gave her a most elegant breakfast, +dinner, lunch, and got up a ball for her that evening, when he danced +with her every single dance. + +Poor Bulbo was taken into favour again, and allowed to go quite free +now. He had new clothes given him, was called 'My good cousin' by His +Majesty, and was treated with the greatest distinction by everybody. +But it was easy to see he was very melancholy. The fact is, the sight of +Betsinda, who looked perfectly lovely in an elegant new dress, set +poor Bulbo frantic in love with her again. And he never thought about +Angelica, now Princess Bulbo, whom he had left at home, and who, as we +know, did not care much about him. + +The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosalba, remarked with +wonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba told him how she had got it +from Gruffanuff, who no doubt had picked it up when Angelica flung it +away. + +'Yes,' says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young people, +and who had very likely certain plans regarding them. 'That ring I gave +the Queen, Giglio's mother, who was not, saving your presence, a very +wise woman; it is enchanted, and whoever wears it looks beautiful in the +eyes of the world, I made poor Prince Bulbo, when he was christened, the +present of a rose which made him look handsome while he had it; but he +gave it to Angelica, who instantly looked beautiful again, whilst Bulbo +relapsed into his natural plainness.' + +'Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure,' says Giglio, with a low bow. 'She is +beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any enchanted aid.' + +'Oh, sir!' said Rosalba. + +'Take off the ring and try,' said the King, and resolutely drew the ring +off her finger. In HIS eyes she looked just as handsome as before! + +The King was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so dangerous +and made all the people so mad about Rosalba; but being a Prince of +great humour, and good humour too, he cast eyes upon a poor youth who +happened to be looking on very disconsolately, and said-- + +'Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring. The Princess Rosalba +makes it a present to you.' + +The magic properties of this ring were uncommonly strong, for no sooner +had Bulbo put it on, but lo and behold, he appeared a personable, +agreeable young Prince enough--with a fine complexion, fair hair, rather +stout, and with bandy legs; but these were encased in such a beautiful +pair of yellow morocco boots that nobody remarked them. And Bulbo's +spirits rose up almost immediately after he had looked in the glass, and +he talked to their Majesties in the most lively, agreeable manner, and +danced opposite the Queen with one of the prettiest maids of honour, and +after looking at Her Majesty, could not help saying-- + +'How very odd! she is very pretty, but not so EXTRAORDINARILY handsome.' + +'Oh no, by no means!' says the Maid of Honour. + +'But what care I, dear sir,' says the Queen, who overheard them, 'if YOU +think I am good-looking enough?' + +His Majesty's glance in reply to this affectionate speech was such that +no painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick said, 'Bless you, my +darling children! Now you are united and happy; and now you see what I +said from the first, that a little misfortune has done you both good. +YOU, Giglio, had you been bred in prosperity, would scarcely have +learned to read or write--you would have been idle and extravagant, and +could not have been a good King as now you will be. You, Rosalba, would +have been so flattered, that your little head might have been turned +like Angelica's, who thought herself too good for Giglio.' + +'As if anybody could be good enough for HIM,' cried Rosalba. + +'Oh, you, you darling!' says Giglio. And so she was; and he was just +holding out his arms in order to give her a hug before the whole +company, when a messenger came rushing in, and said, 'My Lord, the +enemy!' + +'To arms!' cries Giglio. + +'Oh, mercy!' says Rosalba, and fainted of course. + +He snatched one kiss from her lips, and rushed FORTH TO THE FIELD of +battle! + +The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armour, which was not +only embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to your eyes to +look at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and sword-proof; so that in the +midst of the very hottest battles His Majesty rode about as calmly as if +he had been a British Grenadier at Alma. Were I engaged in fighting for +my country, _I_ should like such a suit of armour as Prince Giglio wore; +but, you know, he was a Prince of a fairy tale, and they always have +these wonderful things. + +Besides the fairy armour, the Prince had a fairy horse, which would +gallop at any pace you pleased; and a fairy sword, which would lengthen +and run through a whole regiment of enemies at once. With such a weapon +at command, I wonder, for my part, he thought of ordering his army out; +but forth they all came, in magnificent new uniforms, Hedzoff and the +Prince's two college friends each commanding a division, and His Majesty +prancing in person at the head of them all. + +Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear friends, would +I not now entertain you with the account of a most tremendous shindy? +Should not fine blows be struck? dreadful wounds be delivered? arrows +darken the air? cannon balls crash through the battalions? cavalry +charge infantry? infantry pitch into cavalry? bugles blow; drums beat; +horses neigh; fifes sing; soldiers roar, swear, hurray; officers shout +out 'Forward, my men!' 'This way, lads!' 'Give it 'em, boys!' 'Fight for +King Giglio, and the cause of right!' 'King Padella for ever!' Would I +not describe all this, I say, and in the very finest language too? But +this humble pen does not possess the skill necessary for the description +of combats. In a word, the overthrow of King Padella's army was so +complete, that if they had been Russians you could not have wished them +to be more utterly smashed and confounded. + +As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of velour much more +considerable than could be expected of a royal ruffian and usurper, +who had such a bad cause, and who was so cruel to women,--as for King +Padella, I say, when his army ran away, the King ran away too, kicking +his first general, Prince Punchikoff, from his saddle, and galloping +away on the Prince's horse, having, indeed, had twenty-five or +twenty-six of his own shot under him. Hedzoff coming up, and finding +Punchikoff down, as you may imagine, very speedily disposed of HIM. +Meanwhile King Padella was scampering off as hard as his horse could +lay legs to ground. Fast as he scampered, I promise you somebody else +galloped faster; and that individual, as no doubt you are aware, was the +Royal Giglio, who kept bawling out, 'Stay, traitor! Turn, miscreant, and +defend thyself! Stand, tyrant, coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cut +thy ugly head from thy usurping shoulders!' And, with his fairy sword, +which elongated itself at will, His Majesty kept poking and prodding +Padella in the back, until that wicked monarch roared with anguish. + +When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt Prince +Giglio a prodigious crack over the sconce with his battle-axe, a most +enormous weapon, which had cut down I don't know how many regiments in +the course of the afternoon. But, Law bless you! though the blow fell +right down on His Majesty's helmet, it made no more impression than if +Padella had struck him with a pat of butter: his battle-axe crumpled up +in Padella's hand, and the Royal Giglio laughed for very scorn at the +impotent efforts of that atrocious usurper. + +At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar monarch was justly +irritated. 'If,' says he to Giglio, 'you ride a fairy horse, and wear +fairy armour, what on earth is the use of my hitting you? I may as well +give myself up a prisoner at once. Your Majesty won't, I suppose, be so +mean as to strike a poor fellow who can't strike again?' + +The justice of Padella's remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. 'Do you +yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?' says he. + +'Of course I do,' says Padella. + +'Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful Queen, and give up the +crown and all your treasures to your rightful mistress?' + +'If I must, I must,' says Padella, who was naturally very sulky. + +By this time King Giglio's aides-de-camp had come up, whom His Majesty +ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands behind him, and +bound his legs tight under his horse, having set him with his face to +the tail; and in this fashion he was led back to King Giglio's quarters, +and thrust into the very dungeon where young Bulbo had been confined. + +Padella (who was a very different person in the depth of his distress, +to Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar crown), now most +affectionately and earnestly asked to see his son--his dear eldest +boy--his darling Bulbo; and that good-natured young man never once +reproached his haughty parent for his unkind conduct the day before, +when he would have left Bulbo to be shot without any pity, but came to +see his father, and spoke to him through the grating of the door, beyond +which he was not allowed to go; and brought him some sandwiches from the +grand supper which His Majesty was giving above stairs, in honour of the +brilliant victory which had just been achieved. + +'I cannot stay with you long, sir,' says Bulbo, who was in his best ball +dress, as he handed his father in the prog, 'I am engaged to dance the +next quadrille with Her Majesty Queen Rosalba, and I hear the fiddles +playing at this very moment.' + +So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the wretched Padella ate his +solitary supper in silence and tears. + +All was now joy in King Giglio's circle. Dancing, feasting, fun, +illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. The people +through whose villages they passed were ordered to illuminate their +cottages at night, and scatter flowers on the roads during the day. They +were requested, and I promise you they did not like to refuse, to serve +the troops liberally with eatables and wine; besides, the army was +enriched by the immense quantity of plunder which was found in King +Padella's camp, and taken from his soldiers; who (after they had given +up everything) were allowed to fraternise with the conquerors; and the +united forces marched back by easy stages towards King Giglio's capital, +his royal banner and that of Queen Rosalba being carried in front of the +troops. Hedzoff was made a Duke and a Field-Marshal. Smith and Jones +were promoted to be Earls; the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and the +Paflagonian decoration of the Cucumber were freely distributed by their +Majesties to the army. Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian Ribbon of +the Cucumber across her riding-habit, whilst King Giglio never appeared +without the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. How the people cheered them as +they rode along side by side! They were pronounced to be the handsomest +couple ever seen: that was a matter of course; but they really WERE very +handsome, and, had they been otherwise, would have looked so, they were +so happy! Their Majesties were never separated during the whole day, but +breakfasted, dined, and supped together always, and rode side by side, +interchanging elegant compliments, and indulging in the most delightful +conversation. At night, Her Majesty's ladies of honour (who had +all rallied round her the day after King Padella's defeat) came and +conducted her to the apartments prepared for her; whilst King Giglio, +surrounded by his gentlemen, withdrew to his own Royal quarters. It was +agreed they should be married as soon as they reached the capital, and +orders were dispatched to the Archbishop of Blombodinga, to hold himself +in readiness to perform the interesting ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carried +the message, and gave instructions to have the Royal Castle splendidly +refurnished and painted afresh. The Duke seized Glumboso, the Ex-Prime +Minister, and made him refund that considerable sum of money which the +old scoundrel had secreted out of the late King's treasure. He also +clapped Valoroso into prison (who, by the way, had been dethroned +for some considerable period past), and when the Ex-Monarch weakly +remonstrated, Hedzoff said, 'A soldier, sir, knows but his duty; my +orders are to lock you up along with the Ex-King Padella, whom I have +brought hither a prisoner under guard.' So these two Ex-Royal personages +were sent for a year to the House of Correction, and thereafter were +obliged to become monks of the severest Order of Flagellants, in which +state, by fasting, by vigils, by flogging (which they administered +to one another, humbly but resolutely), no doubt they exhibited a +repentance for their past misdeeds, usurpations, and private and public +crimes. + +As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never had an +opportunity to steal any more. + + + + +XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL + +The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young King and Queen had +certainly won their respective crowns back, would come not unfrequently, +to pay them a little visit--as they were riding in their triumphal +progress towards Giglio's capital--change her wand into a pony, and +travel by their Majesties' side, giving them the very best advice. I am +not sure that King Giglio did not think the Fairy and her advice rather +a bore, fancying it was his own velour and merits which had put him on +his throne, and conquered Padella: and, in fine, I fear he rather gave +himself airs towards his best friend and patroness. She exhorted him to +deal justly by his subjects, to draw mildly on the taxes, never to break +his promise when he had once given it--and in all respects to be a good +King. + +'A good King, my dear Fairy!' cries Rosalba. 'Of course he will. Break +his promise! can you fancy my Giglio would ever do anything so improper, +so unlike him? No! never!' And she looked fondly towards Giglio, whom +she thought a pattern of perfection. + +'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how to +manage my government, and warning me to keep my word? Does she suppose +that I am not a man of sense, and a man of honour?' asks Giglio testily. +'Methinks she rather presumes upon her position.' + +'Hush! dear Giglio,' says Rosalba. 'You know Blackstick has been very +kind to us, and we must not offend her.' But the Fairy was not listening +to Giglio's testy observations, she had fallen back, and was trotting +on her pony now, by Master Bulbo's side, who rode a donkey, and made +himself generally beloved in the army by his cheerfulness, kindness, and +good-humour to everybody. He was eager to see his darling Angelica. He +thought there never was such a charming being. Blackstick did not tell +him it was the possession of the magic rose that made Angelica so lovely +in his eyes. She brought him the very best accounts of his little wife, +whose misfortunes and humiliations had indeed very greatly improved +her; and, you see, she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a +minute, and be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from Bulbo +to Angelica, and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that young man upon +his journey. + +When the Royal party arrived at the last stage before you reach +Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there with her +lady of honour by her side, but the Princess Angelica! She rushed into +her husband's arms, scarcely stopping to make a passing curtsey to the +King and Queen. She had no eyes but for Bulbo, who appeared perfectly +lovely to her on account of the fairy ring which he wore; whilst she +herself, wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, seemed entirely beautiful +to the enraptured Bulbo. + +A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal party, of which the +Archbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff, Countess Gruffanuff, and all +our friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated on the left of +King Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. You could hear the +joy-bells ringing in the capital, and the guns which the citizens were +firing off in honour of their Majesties. + +'What can have induced that hideous old Gruffanuff to dress herself up +in such an absurd way? Did you ask her to be your bridesmaid, my dear?' +says Giglio to Rosalba. 'What a figure of fun Gruffy is!' + +Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties, between the Archbishop and +the Lord Chancellor, and a figure of fun she certainly was, for she was +dressed in a low white silk dress, with lace over, a wreath of white +roses on her wig, a splendid lace veil, and her yellow old neck was +covered with diamonds. She ogled the King in such a manner that His +Majesty burst out laughing. + +'Eleven o'clock!' cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell of +Blombodinga tolled that hour. 'Gentlemen and ladies, we must be +starting. Archbishop, you must be at church, I think, before twelve?' + +'We must be at church before twelve,' sighs out Gruffanuff in a +languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan. + +'And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions,' cries Giglio, +with an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba. + +'Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!' exclaims Gruffanuff; 'and can it +be that this happy moment at length has arrived--' + +'Of course it has arrived,' says the King. + +'--and that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my adored +Giglio!' continues Gruffanuff. 'Lend me a smelling-bottle, somebody. I +certainly shall faint with joy.' + +'YOU my bride?' roars out Giglio. + +'YOU marry my Prince?' cried poor little Rosalba. + +'Pooh! Nonsense! The woman's mad!' exclaims the King. And all the +courtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions, marks of +surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder. + +'I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am not?' +shrieks out Gruffanuff. 'I should like to know if King Giglio is a +gentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice in Paflagonia? Lord +Chancellor! my Lord Archbishop! will your Lordships sit by and see a +poor, fond, confiding, tender creature put upon? Has not Prince Giglio +promised to marry his Barbara? Is not this Giglio's signature? Does not +this paper declare that he is mine, and only mine?' And she handed +to his Grace the Archbishop the document which the Prince signed +that evening when she wore the magic ring, and Giglio drank so much +champagne. And the old Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses, read-- + +"'This is to give notice, that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of +Paflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming Barbara Griselda, +Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq." + +'H'm,' says the Archbishop, 'the document is certainly a--a document.' + +'Phoo!' says the Lord Chancellor, 'the signature is not in His Majesty's +handwriting.' Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, Giglio had made an +immense improvement in caligraphy. + +'Is it your handwriting, Giglio?' cries the Fairy Blackstick, with an +awful severity of countenance. + +'Y--y--y--es,' poor Giglio gasps out, 'I had quite forgotten the +confounded paper: she can't mean to hold me by it. You old wretch, what +will you take to let me off? Help the Queen, some one--Her Majesty has +fainted.' + +'Chop her head off!'} exclaim the impetuous 'Smother the old witch!' } +Hedzoff, the ardent Smith, and 'Pitch her into the river!'} the faithful +Jones. + +But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the Archbishop's neck, and bellowed +out, 'Justice, justice, my Lord Chancellor!' so loudly, that her +piercing shrieks caused everybody to pause. As for Rosalba, she was +borne away lifeless by her ladies; and you may imagine the look of agony +which Giglio cast towards that lovely being, as his hope, his joy, his +darling, his all in all, was thus removed, and in her place the horrid +old Gruffanuff rushed up to his side, and once more shrieked out, +'Justice, justice!' + +'Won't you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid?' says Giglio; 'two +hundred and eighteen thousand millions, or thereabouts. It's a handsome +sum.' + +'I will have that and you too!' says Gruffanuff. + +'Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain,' gasps out Giglio. + +'I will wear them by my Giglio's side!' says Gruffanuff. + +'Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths, nineteen-twentieths, of my +kingdom do, Countess?' asks the trembling monarch. + +'What were all Europe to me without YOU, my Giglio?' cries Gruff, +kissing his hand. + +'I won't, I can't, I shan't,--I'll resign the crown first,' shouts +Giglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff clung to it. + +'I have a competency, my love,' she says, 'and with thee and a cottage +thy Barbara will be happy.' + +Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. 'I will not marry her,' +says he. 'Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me counsel?' And as he spoke he looked +wildly round at the severe face of the Fairy Blackstick. + +"'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to keep my +word? Does she suppose that I am not a man of honour?"' said the Fairy, +quoting Giglio's own haughty words. He quailed under the brightness +of her eyes; he felt that there was no escape for him from that awful +inquisition. + +'Well, Archbishop,' said he in a dreadful voice, that made his Grace +start, 'since this Fairy has led me to the height of happiness but to +dash me down into the depths of despair, since I am to lose Rosalba, let +me at least keep my honour. Get up, Countess, and let us be married; I +can keep my word, but I can die afterwards.' + +'Oh, dear Giglio,' cries Gruffanuff, skipping up, 'I knew, I knew I +could trust thee--I knew that my Prince was the soul of honour. Jump +into your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and let us go to church at +once; and as for dying, dear Giglio, no, no:--thou wilt forget that +insignificant little chambermaid of a Queen--thou wilt live to be +consoled by thy Barbara! She wishes to be a Queen, and not a Queen +Dowager, my gracious Lord!' And hanging upon poor Giglio's arm, and +leering and grinning in his face in the most disgusting manner, this old +wretch tripped off in her white satin shoes, and jumped into the very +carriage which had been got ready to convey Giglio and Rosalba to +church. The cannons roared again, the bells pealed triple-bobmajors, the +people came out flinging flowers upon the path of the royal bride and +bridegroom, and Gruff looked out of the gilt coach window and bowed and +grinned to them. Phoo! the horrid old wretch! + + + + +XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME + +The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess Rosalba +prodigious strength of mind, and that highly principled young +woman presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of which Fairy +Blackstick, by a precious essence which the Fairy always carried in her +pocket, awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying, and bemoaning +herself, and fainting again, as many young women would have done, +Rosalba remembered that she owed an example of firmness to her subjects; +and though she loved Giglio more than her life, was determined, as she +told the Fairy, not to interfere between him and justice, or to cause +him to break his royal word. + +'I cannot marry him, but I shall love him always,' says she to +Blackstick; 'I will go and be present at his marriage with the Countess, +and sign the book, and wish them happy with all my heart. I will see, +when I get home, whether I cannot make the new Queen some handsome +presents. The Crim Tartary crown diamonds are uncommonly fine, and I +shall never have any use for them. I will live and die unmarried like +Queen Elizabeth, and, of course, I shall leave my crown to Giglio when +I quit this world. Let us go and see them married, my dear Fairy, let me +say one last farewell to him; and then, if you please, I will return to +my own dominions.' + +So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at once +changed her wand into a very comfortable coach-and-four, with a steady +coachman, and two respectable footmen behind, and the Fairy and Rosalba +got into the coach, which Angelica and Bulbo entered after them. As +for honest Bulbo, he was blubbering in the most pathetic manner, quite +overcome by Rosalba's misfortune. She was touched by the honest fellow's +sympathy, promised to restore to him the confiscated estates of Duke +Padella his father, and created him, as he sat there in the coach, +Prince, Highness, and First Grandee of the Crim Tartar Empire. The +coach moved on, and, being a fairy coach, soon came up with the bridal +procession. + +Before the ceremony at church it was the custom in Paflagonia, as it is +in other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to sign the Contract +of Marriage, which was to be witnessed by the Chancellor, Minister, Lord +Mayor, and principal officers of state. Now, as the royal palace was +being painted and furnished anew, it was not ready for the reception of +the King and his bride, who proposed at first to take up their residence +at the Prince's palace, that one which Valoroso occupied when Angelica +was born, and before he usurped the throne. + +So the marriage party drove up to the palace: the dignitaries got out of +their carriages and stood aside: poor Rosalba stepped out of her coach, +supported by Bulbo, and stood almost fainting up against the railings +so as to have a last look of her dear Giglio. As for Blackstick, she, +according to her custom, had flown out of the coach window in some +inscrutable manner, and was now standing at the palace door. + +Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride on his arm, looking +as pale as if he was going to execution. He only frowned at the Fairy +Blackstick--he was angry with her, and thought she came to insult his +misery. + +'Get out of the way, pray,' says Gruffanuff haughtily. 'I wonder why you +are always poking your nose into other people's affairs?' + +'Are you determined to make this poor young man unhappy?' says +Blackstick. + +'To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours? Pray, madam, don't say +"you" to a Queen,' cries Gruffanuff. + +'You won't take the money he offered you?' + +'No.' + +'You won't let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated him when +you made him sign the paper?' + +'Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!' cries Gruffanuff. And the +policemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her wand the Fairy +struck them all like so many statues in their places. + +'You won't take anything in exchange for your bond, Mrs. Gruffanuff,' +cries the Fairy, with awful severity. 'I speak for the last time.' + +'No!' shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. 'I'll have my husband, +my husband, my husband!' + +'YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!' the Fairy Blackstick cried; and advancing +a step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER. + +As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open mouth +opened still wider, and uttered a roar which made everybody start. +The eyes rolled wildly; the arms and legs uncurled themselves, writhed +about, and seemed to lengthen with each twist; the knocker expanded into +a figure in yellow livery, six feet high; the screws by which it was +fixed to the door unloosed themselves, and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once more +trod the threshold off which he had been lifted more than twenty years +ago! + +'Master's not at home,' says Jenkins, just in his old voice; and Mrs. +Jenkins, giving a dreadful YOUP, fell down in a fit, in which nobody +minded her. + +For everybody was shouting, 'Huzzay! huzzay!' 'Hip, hip, hurray!' 'Long +live the King and Queen!' 'Were such things ever seen?' 'No, never, +never, never!' 'The Fairy Blackstick for ever!' + +The bells were ringing double peals, the guns roaring and banging most +prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing everybody; the Lord Chancellor was +flinging up his wig and shouting like a madman; Hedzoff had got the +Archbishop round the waist, and they were dancing a jig for joy; and as +for Giglio, I leave you to imagine what HE was doing, and if he kissed +Rosalba once, twice--twenty thousand times, I'm sure I don't think he +was wrong. + +So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he had been +accustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the book, and then +they went to church and were married, and the Fairy Blackstick sailed +away on her cane, and was never more heard of in Paflagonia. + +and here ends the Fireside Pantomime. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Rose and the Ring, by +William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ROSE AND THE RING *** + +***** This file should be named 897.txt or 897.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/8/9/897/ + +Produced by Dianne Bean and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +This etext was prepared by Dianne Bean, Chino Valley, Arizona. + + + + + +The Rose and the Ring by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +PRELUDE + +It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season +in a foreign city where there were many English children. + +In that city, if you wanted to give a child's party, you could +not even get a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night +characters--those funny painted pictures of the King, the Queen, +the Lover, the Lady, the Dandy, the Captain, and so on-- with +which our young ones are wont to recreate themselves at this +festive time. + +My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that +lived in the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my +young charges (it was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and +Messrs. Spillmann, two of the best pastrycooks in Christendom, +have their shop on the ground floor): Miss Bunch, I say, begged +me to draw a set of Twelfth-Night characters for the amusement of +our young people. + +She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having +looked at the characters, she and I composed a history about +them, which was recited to the little folks at night, and served +as our FIRESIDE PANTOMIME. + +Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and +Bulbo, Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the +Hall Porter created a considerable sensation; and the wrath of +Countess Gruffanuff was received with extreme pleasure. + +If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others +be amused also? In a few days Dr. Birch's young friends will be +expected to reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn +everything that is useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers +continue the business of their little lives. + +But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and +be as pleasant as we can. And you elder folk--a little joking, +and dancing, and fooling will do even you no harm. The author +wishes you a merry Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fireside +Pantomime. + +W. M. THACKERAY. December 1854. + + + +CONTENTS + +I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SATE DOWN TO BREAKFAST + +II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT +WITHOUT + +III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO +MANY GRAND PERSONAGES BESIDES + +IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S +CHRISTENING + +V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID + +VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF + +VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL + +VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO +CAME TO COURT + +IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING-PAN + +X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION + +XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA + +XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER + +XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT +HOGGINARMO + +XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO + +XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA + +XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO + +XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT + +XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL + +XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME + + + +THE ROSE AND THE RING + + + +I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SATE DOWN TO BREAKFAST + +This is Valoroso XXIV., King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen +and only child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the +letter which announces to His Majesty a proposed visit from +Prince Bulbo, heir of Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. +Remark the delight upon the monarch's royal features. He is so +absorbed in the perusal of the King of Crim Tartary's letter, +that he allows his eggs to get cold, and leaves his august +muffins untasted. + +'What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!' cries +Princess Angelica; 'so handsome, so accomplished, so witty--the +conqueror of Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!' + +'Who told you of him, my dear?' asks His Majesty. + +'A little bird,' says Angelica. + +'Poor Giglio!' says mamma, pouring out the tea. + +'Bother Giglio!' cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which +rustled with a thousand curl-papers. + +'I wish,' growls the King--'I wish Giglio was. . .' + +'Was better? Yes, dear, he is better,' says the Queen. +'Angelica's little maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my +room this morning with my early tea.' + +'You are always drinking tea,' said the monarch, with a scowl. + +'It is better than drinking port or brandy and water;' replies +Her Majesty. + +'Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea,' +said the King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his +temper. 'Angelica! I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your +milliners' bills are long enough. My dear Queen, you must see +and have some parties. I prefer dinners, but of course you will +be for balls. Your everlasting blue velvet quite tires me: and, +my love, I should like you to have a new necklace. Order one. +Not more than a hundred or a hundred and fifty thousand pounds.' + +'And Giglio, dear?' says the Queen. + +'GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE--' + +'Oh, sir,' screams Her Majesty. 'Your own nephew! our late +King's only son.' + +'Giglio may go to the tailor's, and order the bills to be sent in +to Glumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. +He need want for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for +pocket-money, my dear; and you may as well order yourself +bracelets while you are about the necklace, Mrs. V.' + +Her Majesty, or MRS. V., as the monarch facetiously called her +(for even royalty will have its sport, and this august family +were very much attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her +arm round her daughter's waist, they quitted the breakfast-room +in order to make all things ready for the princely stranger. + +When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of +the HUSBAND and FATHER fled--the pride of the KING fled--the MAN +was alone. Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would describe +Valoroso's torments in the choicest language; in which I would +also depict his flashing eye, his distended nostril--his +dressing-gown, pocket-handkerchief, and boots. But I need not +say I have NOT the pen of that novelist; suffice it to say, +Valoroso was alone. + +He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many +egg-cups with which his princely board was served for the matin +meal, drew out a bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and +emptied the cup several times, and laid it down with a hoarse +'Ha, ha, ha! now Valoroso is a man again!' + +'But oh!' he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), 'ere I +was a king, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I +detested the hot brandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but +nature's rill. It dashes not more quickly o'er the rocks than I +did, as, with blunderbuss in hand, I brushed away the early +morning dew, and shot the partridge, snipe, or antlered deer! +Ah! well may England's dramatist remark, "Uneasy lies the head +that wears a crown!" Why did I steal my nephew's, my young +Giglio's--? Steal! said I? no, no, no, not steal, not steal. +Let me withdraw that odious expression. I took, and on my manly +head I set, the royal crown of Paflagonia; I took, and with my +royal arm I wield, the sceptral rod of Paflagonia; I took, and in +my outstretched hand I hold, the royal orb of Paflagonia! Could +a poor boy, a snivelling, drivelling boy--was in his nurse's arms +but yesterday, and cried for sugarplums and puled for pap--bear +up the awful weight of crown, orb, sceptre? gird on the sword my +royal fathers wore, and meet in fight the tough Crimean foe?' + +And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we +need not say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had +got it was his duty to keep, and that, if at one time he had +entertained ideas of a certain restitution, which shall be +nameless, the prospect by a CERTAIN MARRIAGE of uniting two +crowns and two nations which had been engaged in bloody and +expensive wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans had been, +put the idea of Giglio's restoration to the throne out of the +question: nay, were his own brother, King Savio, alive, he would +certainly will the crown from his own son in order to bring about +such a desirable union. + +Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we +wish is right! The King took courage, read the papers, finished +his muffins and eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. +The Queen, after thinking whether she should go up and see +Giglio, who had been sick, thought 'Not now. Business first; +pleasure afterwards. I will go and see dear Giglio this +afternoon; and now I will drive to the jeweller's, to look for +the necklace and bracelets.' The Princess went up into her own +room, and made Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and +as for Giglio, they forgot him as much as I forget what I had for +dinner last Tuesday twelve-month. + + + +II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT +WITHOUT + +Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have +been one of those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not +settled; for when King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of +the kingdom, and guardian of Savio's orphan infant, this +unfaithful regent took no sort of regard of the late monarch's +will; had himself proclaimed sovereign of Paflagonia under the +title of King Valoroso XXIV., had a most splendid coronation, and +ordered all the nobles of the kingdom to pay him homage. So long +as Valoroso gave them plenty of balls at Court, plenty of money +and lucrative places, the Paflagonian nobility did not care who +was king; and as for the people, in those early times, they were +equally indifferent. The Prince Giglio, by reason of his tender +age at his royal father's death, did not feel the loss of his +crown and empire. As long as he had plenty of toys and +sweetmeats, a holiday five times a week and a horse and gun to go +out shooting when he grew a little older, and, above all, the +company of his darling cousin, the King's only child, poor Giglio +was perfectly contented; nor did he envy his uncle the royal +robes and sceptre, the great hot uncomfortable throne of state, +and the enormous cumbersome crown in which that monarch appeared +from morning till night. King Valoroso's portrait has been left +to us; and I think you will agree with me that he must have been +sometimes RATHER TIRED of his velvet, and his diamonds, and his +ermine, and his grandeur. I shouldn't like to sit in that +stifling robe with such a thing as that on my head. + +No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her youth; for +though she grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as +shown in her portrait, are certainly PLEASING. If she was fond +of flattery, scandal, cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently +with her infirmities, which, after all, may be no greater than +our own. She was kind to her nephew; and if she had any scruples +of conscience about her husband's taking the young Prince's +crown, consoled herself by thinking that the King, though a +usurper, was a most respectable man, and that at his death Prince +Giglio would be restored to his throne, and share it with his +cousin, whom he loved so fondly. + +The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most +cheerfully swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands +the monarch left all the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso +wanted was plenty of money, plenty of hunting, plenty of +flattery, and as little trouble as possible. As long as he had +his sport, this monarch cared little how his people paid for it: +he engaged in some wars, and of course the Paflagonian newspapers +announced that he had gained prodigious victories: he had +statues erected to himself in every city of the empire; and of +course his pictures placed everywhere, and in all the +print-shops: he was Valoroso the Magnanimous, Valoroso the +Victorious, Valoroso the Great, and so forth;--for even in these +early times courtiers and people knew how to flatter. + +This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, +you may be sure, was a paragon in the courtiers' eyes, in her +parents', and in her own. It was said she had the longest hair, +the largest eyes, the slimmest waist, the smallest foot, and the +most lovely complexion of any young lady in the Paflagonian +dominions. Her accomplishments were announced to be even +superior to her beauty; and governesses used to shame their idle +pupils by telling them what Princess Angelica could do. She +could play the most difficult pieces of music at sight. She +could answer any one of Mangnall's Questions. She knew every +date in the history of Paflagonia, and every other country. She +knew French, English, Italian, German, Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, +Latin, Cappadocian, Samothracian, Aegean, and Crim Tartar. In a +word, she was a most accomplished young creature; and her +governess and lady-in-waiting was the severe Countess Gruffanuff. + + +Would you not fancy, from this picture, that Gruffanuff must have +been a person of highest birth? She looks so haughty that I +should have thought her a princess at the very least, with a +pedigree reaching as far back as the Deluge. But this lady was +no better born than many other ladies who give themselves airs; +and all sensible people laughed at her absurd pretensions. The +fact is, she had been maid-servant to the Queen when Her Majesty +was only Princess, and her husband had been head footman; but +after his death or DISAPPEARANCE, of which you shall hear +presently, this Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and +wheedling her royal mistress, became a favourite with the Queen +(who was rather a weak woman), and Her Majesty gave her a title, +and made her nursery governess to the Princess. + +And now I must tell you about the Princess's learning and +accomplishments, for which she had such a wonderful character. +Clever Angelica certainly was, but as IDLE as POSSIBLE. Play at +sight, indeed! she could play one or two pieces, and pretend that +she had never seen them before; she could answer half a dozen +Mangnall's Questions; but then you must take care to ask the +RIGHT ones. As for her languages, she had masters in plenty, but +I doubt whether she knew more than a few phrases in each, for all +her presence; and as for her embroidery and her drawing, she +showed beautiful specimens, it is true, but WHO DID THEM? + +This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back +ever so far, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK. + + + +III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO +MANY GRAND PERSONAGES BESIDES + +Between the kingdoms of Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived +a mysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the +Fairy Blackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch which she +carried; on which she rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other +excursions of business or pleasure, and with which she performed +her wonders. + +When she was young, and had been first taught the art of +conjuring by the necromancer, her father, she was always +practicing her skill, whizzing about from one kingdom to another +upon her black stick, and conferring her fairy favours upon this +Prince or that. She had scores of royal godchildren; turned +numberless wicked people into beasts, birds, millstones, clocks, +pumps, boot jacks, umbrellas, or other absurd shapes; and, in a +word, was one of the most active and officious of the whole +College of fairies. + +But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I suppose +Blackstick grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, 'What good +am I doing by sending this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? +by fixing a black pudding on to that booby's nose? by causing +diamonds and pearls to drop from one little girl's mouth, and +vipers and toads from another's? I begin to think I do as much +harm as good by my performances. I might as well shut my +incantations up, and allow things to take their natural course. + +'There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio's wife, and +Duke Padella's wife, I gave them each a present, which was to +render them charming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure +the affection of those gentlemen as long as they lived. What +good did my Rose and my Ring do these two women? None on earth. +From having all their whims indulged by their husbands, they +became capricious, lazy, ill-humoured, absurdly vain, and leered +and languished, and fancied themselves irresistibly beautiful, +when they were really quite old and hideous, the ridiculous +creatures! They used actually to patronise me when I went to pay +them a visit--ME, the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom +of the necromancers, and could have turned them into baboons, and +all their diamonds into strings of onions, by a single wave of my +rod!' So she locked up her books in her cupboard, declined +further magical performances, and scarcely used her wand at all +except as a cane to walk about with. + +So when Duke Padella's lady had a little son (the Duke was at +that time only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), +Blackstick, although invited to the christening, would not so +much as attend; but merely sent her compliments and a silver +papboat for the baby, which was really not worth a couple of +guineas. About the same time the Queen of Paflagonia presented +His Majesty with a son and heir; and guns were fired, the capital +illuminated, and no end of feasts ordained to celebrate the young +Prince's birth. It was thought the fairy, who was asked to be +his godmother, would at least have presented him with an +invisible jacket, a flying horse, a Fortunatus's purse, or some +other valuable token of her favour; but instead, Blackstick went +up to the cradle of the child Giglio, when everybody was admiring +him and complimenting his royal papa and mamma, and said, 'My +poor child, the best thing I can send you is a little +MISFORTUNE'; and this was all she would utter, to the disgust of +Giglio's parents, who died very soon after, when Giglio's uncle +took the throne, as we read in Chapter I. + +In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a +christening of his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy Blackstick, who +had been invited, was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio's +case. Whilst everybody was expatiating over the beauty of the +darling child, and congratulating its parents, the Fairy +Blackstick looked very sadly at the baby and its mother, and +said, 'My good woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, and no +more minded a Queen than a washerwoman)--my good woman, these +people who are following you will be the first to turn against +you; and as for this little lady, the best thing I can wish her +is a LITTLE MISFORTUNE.' So she touched Rosalba with her black +wand, looked severely at the courtiers, motioned the Queen an +adieu with her hand, and sailed slowly up into the air out of the +window. + +When she was gone, the Court people, who had been awed and silent +in her presence, began to speak. 'What an odious Fairy she is +(they said)--a pretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she went to the King +of Paflagonia's christening, and pretended to do all sorts of +things for that family; and what has happened--the Prince, her +godson, has been turned off his throne by his uncle. Would we +allow our sweet Princess to be deprived of her rights by any +enemy? Never, never, never, never!' + +And they all shouted in a chorus, 'Never, never, never, never!' + +Now, I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers show +their fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore's vassals, the Duke +Padella just mentioned, rebelled against the King, who went out +to chastise his rebellious subject. 'Any one rebel against our +beloved and august Monarch!' cried the courtiers; 'any one resist +HIM? Pooh! He is invincible, irresistible. He will bring home +Padella a prisoner, and tie him to a donkey's tail, and drive him +round the town, saying, "This is the way the Great Cavolfiore +treats rebels."' + +The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the poor Queen, who +was a very timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill +that I am sorry to say she died; leaving injunctions with her +ladies to take care of the dear little Rosalba.--Of course they +said they would. Of course they vowed they would die rather than +any harm should happen to the Princess. At first the Crim Tartar +Court Journal stated that the King was obtaining great victories +over the audacious rebel: then it was announced that the troops +of the infamous Padella were in flight: then it was said that the +royal army would soon come up with the enemy, and then--then the +news came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slain by His +Majesty, King Padella the First! + +At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to the +conquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on +all the best articles in the palace; and poor little Rosalba was +left there quite alone-- quite alone; and she toddled from one +room to another, crying, 'Countess! Duchess!' (Only she said +'Tountess, Duttess,' not being able to speak plain) 'bring me my +mutton sop; my Royal Highness hungy! Tountess! Duttess!' And she +went from the private apartments into the throne-room and nobody +was there;--and thence into the ballroom and nobody was +there;--and thence into the pages' room and nobody was there; +--and she toddled down the great staircase into the hall and +nobody was there;--and the door was open, and she went into the +court, and into the garden, and thence into the wilderness, and +thence into the forest where the wild beasts live, and was never +heard of any more! + +A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the +wood in the mouths of two lionesses' cubs whom KING PADELLA and a +royal hunting party shot--for he was King now, and reigned over +Crim Tartary. 'So the poor little Princess is done for,' said +he; 'well, what's done can't be helped. Gentlemen, let us go to +luncheon!' And one of the courtiers took up the shoe and put it +in his pocket. And there was an end of Rosalba! + + + +IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S +CHRISTENING + +When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did not +ask the Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave +orders to their porter absolutely to refuse her if she called. +This porter's name was Gruffanuff, and he had been selected for +the post by their Royal Highnesses because he was a very tall +fierce man, who could say 'Not at home' to a tradesman or an +unwel come visitor with a rudeness which frightened most such +persons away. He was the husband of that Countess whose picture +we have just seen, and as long as they were together they +quarrelled from morning till night. Now this fellow tried his +rudeness once too often, as you shall hear. For the Fairy +Blackstick coming to call upon the Prince and Princess, who were +actually sitting at the open drawing-room window, Gruffanuff not +only denied them, but made the most ODIOUS VULGAR SIGN as he was +going to slam the door in the Fairy's face! 'Git away, hold +Blackstick!' said he. 'I tell you, Master and Missis ain't at +home to you;' and he was, as we have said, GOING to slam the +door. + +But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut; and +Gruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in the most +abominable way, and asking the Fairy 'whether she thought he was +a going to stay at that there door hall day?' + +'You ARE going to stay at that door all day and all night, and +for many a long year,' the Fairy said, very majestically; and +Gruffanuff, coming out of the door, straddling before it with his +great calves, burst out laughing, and cried, 'Ha, ha, ha! this is +a good un! Ha--ah--what's this? Let me down--O--o-- H'm!' and +then he was dumb! + +For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising +off the ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as +if a screw ran into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, +and was pinned to the door; and then his arms flew up over his +head; and his legs, after writhing about wildly, twisted under +his body; and he felt cold, cold, growing over him, as if he was +turning into metal; and he said, 'O--o--H'm!' and could say no +more, because he was dumb. + +He WAS turned into metal! He was, from being BRAZEN, BRASS! He +was neither more nor less than a knocker! And there he was, +nailed to the door in the blazing summer day, till he burned +almost red-hot; and there he was, nailed to the door all the +bitter winter nights, till his brass nose was dropping with +icicles. And the postman came and rapped at him, and the +vulgarest boy with a letter came and hit him up against the door. +And the King and Queen (Princess and Prince they were then) +coming home from a walk that evening, the King said, 'Hullo, my +dear! you have had a new knocker put on the door. Why, it's +rather like our porter in the face! What has become of that +boozy vagabond?' And the house-maid came and scrubbed his nose +with sandpaper; and once, when the Princess Angelica's little +sister was born, he was tied up in an old kid glove; and, another +night, some LARKING young men tried to wrench him off, and put +him to the most excruciating agony with a turn screw. And then +the Queen had a fancy to have the colour of the door altered; and +the painters dabbed him over the mouth and eyes, and nearly +choked him, as they painted him pea-green. I warrant he had +leisure to repent of having been rude to the Fairy Blackstick! + +As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he was always +guzzling beer at the public-house, and notoriously quarrelling +with his wife, and in debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he +had run away from all these evils, and emigrated to Australia or +America. And when the Prince and Princess chose to become King +and Queen, they left their old house, and nobody thought of the +porter any more. + + + +V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID + +One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, she +was walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, +the governess, holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet +complexion from the freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to +feed the swans and ducks in the royal pond. + +They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up +to them such a funny little girl! She had a great quantity of +hair blowing about her chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she +had not been washed or combed for ever so long. She wore a +ragged bit of a cloak, and had only one shoe on. + +'You little wretch, who let you in here?' asked Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +'Div me dat bun,' said the little girl, 'me vely hungy.' + +'Hungry! what is that?' asked Princess Angelica, and gave the +child the bun. + +'Oh, Princess!' says Mrs. Gruffanuff, 'how good, how kind, how +truly angelical you are! See, Your Majesties,' she said to the +King and Queen, who now came up, along with their nephew, Prince +Giglio, 'how kind the Princess is! She met this little dirty +wretch in the garden--I can't tell how she came in here, or why +the guards did not shoot her dead at the gate!--and the dear +darling of a Princess has given her the whole of her bun!' + +'I didn't want it,' said Angelical + +'But you are a darling little angel all the same,' says the +governess. + +'Yes; I know I am,' said Angelical 'Dirty little girl, don't you +think I am very pretty?' Indeed, she had on the finest of little +dresses and hats; and, as her hair was carefully curled, she +really looked very well. + +'Oh, pooty, pooty!' says the little girl, capering about, +laughing, and dancing, and munching her bun; and as she ate it +she began to sing, 'Oh, what fun to have a plum bun! how I wis it +never was done!' At which, and her funny accent, Angelica, +Giglio, and the King and Queen began to laugh very merrily. + +'I can dance as well as sing,' says the little girl. 'I can +dance, and I can sing, and I can do all sorts of ting.' And she +ran to a flower-bed, and pulling a few polyanthuses, +rhododendrons, and other flowers, made herself a little wreath, +and danced before the King and Queen so drolly and prettily, that +everybody was delighted. + +'Who was your mother--who were your relations, little girl?' said +the Queen. + +The little girl said, 'Little lion was my brudder; great big +lioness my mudder; neber heard of any udder.' And she capered +away on her one shoe, and everybody was exceedingly diverted. + +So Angelica said to the Queen, 'Mamma, my parrot flew away +yesterday out of its cage, and I don't care any more for any of +my toys; and I think this funny little dirty child will amuse me. +I will take her home, and give her some of my old frocks.' + +'Oh, the generous darling!' says Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +'Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of,' +Angelica went on; 'and she shall be my little maid. Will you +come home with me, little dirty girl?' + +The child clapped her hands, and said, 'Go home with you--yes! +You pooty Princess!--Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress!' + +And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the +palace, where, when she was washed and combed, and had one of the +Princess's frocks given to her, she looked as handsome as +Angelica, almost. Not that Angelica ever thought so; for this +little lady never imagined that anybody in the world could be as +pretty, as good, or as clever as herself. In order that the +little girl should not become too proud and conceited, Mrs. +Gruffanuff took her old ragged mantle and one shoe, and put them +into a glass box, with a card laid upon them, upon which was +written, 'These were the old clothes in which little BETSINDA was +found when the great goodness and admirable kindness of Her Royal +Highness the Princess Angelica received this little outcast.' +And the date was added, and the box locked up. + +For a while little Betsinda was a great favourite with the +Princess, and she danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, +to amuse her mistress. But then the Princess got a monkey, and +afterwards a little dog, and afterwards a doll, and did not care +for Betsinda any more, who became very melancholy and quiet, and +sang no more funny songs, because nobody cared to hear her. And +then, as she grew older, she was made a little lady's-maid to the +Princess; and though she had no wages, she worked and mended, and +put Angelica's hair in papers, and was never cross when scolded, +and was always eager to please her mistress, and was always up +early and to bed late, and at hand when wanted, and in fact +became a perfect little maid. So the two girls grew up, and, +when the Princess came out, Betsinda was never tired of waiting +on her; and made her dresses better than the best milliner, and +was useful in a hundred ways. Whilst the Princess was having her +masters, Betsinda would sit and watch them; and in this way she +picked up a great deal of learn ing; for she was always awake, +though her mistress was not, and listened to the wise professors +when Angelica was yawning or thinking of the next ball. And when +the dancing-master came, Betsinda learned along with Angelica; +and when the music-master came, she watched him, and practiced +the Princess's pieces when Angelica was away at balls and +parties; and when the drawing-master came, she took note of all +he said and did; and the same with French, Italian, and all other +languages--she learned them from the teacher who came to +Angelica. When the Princess was going out of an evening she +would say, 'My good Betsinda, you may as well finish what I have +begun.' 'Yes, miss,' Betsinda would say, and sit down very +cheerful, not to FINISH what Angelica began, but to DO it. + +For instance, the Princess would begin a head of a warrior, let +us say, and when it was begun it was something like this-- + +But when it was done, the warrior was like this-- + +(only handsomer still if possible), and the Princess put her name +to the drawing; and the Court and King and Queen, and above all +poor Giglio, admired the picture of all things, and said, 'Was +there ever a genius like Angelica?' So, I am sorry to say, was +it with the Princess's embroidery and other accomplishments; and +Angelica actually believed that she did these things herself, and +received all the flattery of the Court as if every word of it was +true. Thus she began to think that there was no young woman in +all the world equal to herself, and that no young man was good +enough for her. As for Betsinda, as she heard none of these +praises, she was not puffed up by them, and being a most +grateful, good-natured girl, she was only too anxious to do +everything which might give her mistress pleasure. Now you begin +to perceive that Angelica had faults of her own, and was by no +means such a wonder of wonders as people represented Her Royal +Highness to be. + + + +VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF + +And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the +reigning monarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in +page seven, that as long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good +horse to ride, and money in his pocket, or rather to take out of +his pocket, for he was very good-natured, my young Prince did not +care for the loss of his crown and sceptre, being a thoughtless +youth, not much inclined to politics or any kind of learning. So +his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio would not learn classics or +mathematics, and the Lord Chancellor of Paflagonia, SQUARETOSO, +pulled a very long face because the Prince could not be got to +study the Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other +hand, the King's gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt +pupil; the dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant +and assiduous scholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave +the most flattering reports of the Prince's skill; so did the +Groom of the Tennis Court; and as for the Captain of the Guard +and Fencing Master, the VALIANT and VETERAN Count KUTASOFF +HEDZOFF, he avowed that since he ran the General of Crim Tartary, +the dreadful Grumbuskin, through the body, he never had +encountered so expert a swordsman as Prince Giglio. + +I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the +Prince and Princess walking together in the palace garden, and +because Giglio kissed Angelica's hand in a polite manner. In the +first place they are cousins; next, the Queen is walking in the +garden too (you cannot see her, for she happens to be behind that +tree), and Her Majesty always wished that Angelica and Giglio +should marry: so did Giglio: so did Angelica sometimes, for she +thought her cousin very handsome, brave, and good-natured: but +then you know she was so clever and knew so many things, and poor +Giglio knew nothing, and had no conversation. When they looked +at the stars, what did Giglio know of the heavenly bodies? Once, +when on a sweet night in a balcony where they were standing, +Angelica said, 'There is the Bear.' 'Where?' says Giglio. +'Don't be afraid, Angelica! if a dozen bears come, I will kill +them rather than they shall hurt you.' 'Oh, you silly creature!' +says she; 'you are very good, but you are not very wise.' When +they looked at the flowers, Giglio was utterly unacquainted with +botany, and had never heard of Linnaeus. When the butterflies +passed, Giglio knew nothing about them, being as ignorant of +entomology as I am of algebra. So you see, Angelica, though she +liked Giglio pretty well, despised him on account of his +ignorance. I think she probably valued HER OWN LEARNING rather +too much; but to think too well of one's self is the fault of +people of all ages and both sexes. Finally, when nobody else was +there, Angelica liked her cousin well enough. + +King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and withal so fond of +good dinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook +Marmitonio), that it was supposed he could not live long. Now +the idea of anything happening to the King struck the artful +Prime Minister and the designing old lady-in-waiting with terror. +For, thought Glumboso and the Countess, 'when Prince Giglio +marries his cousin and comes to the throne, what a pretty +position we shall be in, whom he dislikes, and who have always +been unkind to him. We shall lose our places in a trice; Mrs. +Gruffanuff will have to give up all the jewels, laces, +snuff-boxes, rings, and watches which belonged to the Queen, +Giglio's mother; and Glumboso will be forced to refund two +hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine hundred and +eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, +thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, money left to Prince +Giglio by his poor dear father.' + +So the Lady of Honour and the Prime Minister hated Giglio because +they had done him a wrong; and these unprincipled people invented +a hundred cruel stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence +the King, Queen, and Princess against him; how he was so ignorant +that he could not spell the commonest words, and actually wrote +Valoroso Valloroso, and spelt Angelica with two l's; how he drank +a great deal too much wine at dinner, and was always idling in +the stables with the grooms; how he owed ever so much money at +the pastry-cook's and the haberdasher's; how he used to go to +sleep at church; how he was fond of playing cards with the pages. +So did the Queen like playing cards; so did the King go to sleep +at church, and eat and drink too much; and, if Giglio owed a +trifle for tarts, who owed him two hundred and seventeen thousand +millions nine hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and +thirty-nine pounds, thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I +should like to know? Detractors and tale-bearers (in my humble +opinion) had much better look at HOME. All this backbiting and +slandering had effect upon Princess Angelica, who began to look +coldly on her cousin, then to laugh at him and scorn him for +being so stupid, then to sneer at him for having vulgar +associates; and at Court balls, dinners, and so forth, to treat +him so unkindly that poor Giglio became quite ill, took to his +bed, and sent for the doctor. + +His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons +for disliking his nephew; and as for those innocent readers who +ask why?--I beg (with the permission of their dear parents) to +refer them to Shakespeare's pages, where they will read why King +John disliked Prince Arthur. With the Queen, his royal but +weak-minded aunt, when Giglio was out of sight he was out of +mind. While she had her whist and her evening parties, she cared +for little else. + +I dare say TWO VILLAINS, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor +Pildrafto, the Court Physician, had killed Giglio right out, but +he only bled and physicked him so severely that the Prince was +kept to his room for several months, and grew as thin as a post. + +Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came to the Court of +Paflagonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and +who was Painter in Ordinary to the King of Crim Tartary, +Paflagonia's neighbour. Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the Court, +who were delighted with his works; for even Countess Gruffanuff +looked young and Glumboso good-humoured in his pictures. 'He +flatters very much,' some people said. 'Nay!' says Princess +Angelica, 'I am above flattery, and I think he did not make my +picture handsome enough. I can't bear to hear a man of genius +unjustly cried down, and I hope my dear papa will make Lorenzo a +knight of his Order of the Cucumber.' + +The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed Her Royal +Highness could draw so BEAUTIFULLY that the idea of her taking +lessons was absurd, yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and +it was wonderful, AS LONG AS SHE PAINTED IN HIS STUDIO, what +beautiful pictures she made! Some of the performances were +engraved for the Book of Beauty: others were sold for enormous +sums at Charity Bazaars. She wrote the SIGNATURES under the +drawings, no doubt, but I think I know who-did the pictures--this +artful painter, who had come with other designs on Angelica than +merely to teach her to draw. + +One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait of a young man in +armour, with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an +expression at once melancholy and interesting. + +'Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?' asked the Princess. + +"I never saw anyone so handsome,' says Countess Gruffanuff (the +old humbug). + +'That,' said the painter, 'that, Madam, is the portrait of my +august young master, his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of +Crim Tartary, Duke of Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, +and Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the Pumpkin. That is the +order of the Pumpkin glittering on his manly breast, and received +by His Royal Highness from his august father, His Majesty King +PADELLA I., for his gallantry at the battle of Rimbombamento, +when he slew with his own princely hand the King of Ograria and +two hundred and eleven giants of the two hundred and eighteen who +formed the King's bodyguard. The remainder were destroyed by the +brave Crim Tartar army after an obstinate combat, in which the +Crim Tartars suffered severely.' + +What a Prince! thought Angelica: so brave--so calm-looking--so +young--what a hero! + +'He is as accomplished as he is brave,' continued the Court +Painter. 'He knows all languages perfectly: sings deliciously: +plays every instrument: composes operas which have been acted a +thousand nights running at the Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, +and danced in a ballet there before the King and Queen; in which +he looked so beautiful, that his cousin, the lovely daughter of +the King of Circassia, died for love of him.' + +'Why did he not marry the poor Princess?' asked Angelica, with a +sigh. + +'Because they were FIRST COUSINS, Madam, and the clergy forbid +these unions,' said the Painter. 'And, besides, the young Prince +had given his royal heart ELSEWHERE.' + +'And to whom?' asked Her Royal Highness. + +'I am not at liberty to mention the Princess's name,' answered +the Painter. + +'But you may tell me the first letter of it,' gasped out the +Princess. + +'That Your Royal Highness is at liberty to guess,' said Lorenzo. + +'Does it begin with a Z?' asked Angelica. + +The Painter said it wasn't a Z; then she tried a Y; then an X; +then a W, and went so backwards through almost the whole +alphabet. + +When she came to D, and it wasn't D, she grew very excited; when +she came to C, and it wasn't C, she was still more nervous; when +she came to B, AND IT WASN'T B, 'O dearest Gruffanuff,' she said, +'lend me your smelling-bottle!' and, hiding her head in the +Countess's shoulder, she faintly whispered, 'Ah, Signor, can it +be A?' + +'It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal Master's orders, +tell Your Royal Highness the Princess's name, whom he fondly, +madly, devotedly, rapturously loves, I may show you her +portrait,' says this slyboots: and leading the Princess up to a +gilt frame, he drew a curtain which was before it. + +O goodness! the frame contained A LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw +her own face! + + + +VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL + +The Court Painter of His Majesty the King of Crim Tartary +returned to that monarch's dominions, carrying away a number of +sketches which he had made in the Paflagonian capital (you know, +of course, my dears, that the name of that capital is +Blombodinga); but the most charming of all his pieces was a +portrait of the Princess Angelica, which all the Crim Tartar +nobles came to see. With this work the King was so delighted, +that he decorated the Painter with his Order of the Pumpkin +(sixth class) and the artist became Sir Tomaso Lorenzo, K.P., +thenceforth. + +King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, +besides a handsome order for money, for he painted the King, +Queen, and principal nobility while at Blombodinga, and became +all the fashion, to the perfect rage of all the artists in +Paflagonia, where the King used to point to the portrait of +Prince Bulbo, which Sir Tomaso had left behind him, and say +'Which among you can paint a picture like that?' + +It hung in the royal parlour over the royal sideboard, and +Princess Angelica could always look at it as she sat making the +tea. Each day it seemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the +Princess grew so fond of looking at it, that she would often +spill the tea over the cloth, at which her father and mother +would wink and wag their heads, and say to each other, 'Aha! we +see how things are going.' + +In the meantime poor Giglio lay upstairs very sick in his +chamber, though he took all the doctor's horrible medicines like +a good young lad; as I hope YOU do, my dears, when you are ill +and mamma sends for the medical man. And the only person who +visited Giglio (besides his friend the captain of the guard, who +was almost always busy or on parade), was little Betsinda the +housemaid, who used to do his bedroom and sitting-room out, bring +him his gruel, and warm his bed. + +When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and evening, +Prince Giglio used to say, 'Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the +Princess Angelica?' + +And Betsinda used to answer, 'The Princess is very well, thank +you, my Lord.' And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, if +Angelica were sick, I am sure _I_ should not be very well. + +Then Giglio would say, 'Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked +for me today?' And Betsinda would answer, 'No, my Lord, not +today'; or, 'she was very busy practicing the piano when I saw +her'; or, 'she was writing invitations for an evening party, and +did not speak to me'; or make some excuse or other, not strictly +consonant with truth: for Betsinda was such a good-natured +creature that she strove to do everything to prevent annoyance to +Prince Giglio, and even brought him up roast chicken and jellies +from the kitchen (when the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio was +getting better), saying, 'that the Princess had made the jelly, +or the bread-sauce, with her own hands, on purpose for Giglio.' + +When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to mend +immediately; and gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last +bone of the chicken--drumsticks, merry-thought, sides'-bones, +back, pope's nose, and all--thanking his dear Angelica; and he +felt so much better the next day, that he dressed and went +downstairs, where, whom should he meet but Angelica going into +the drawing-room? All the covers were off the chairs, the +chandeliers taken out of the bags, the damask curtains uncovered, +the work and things carried away, and the handsomest albums on +the tables. Angelica had her hair in papers: in a word, it was +evident there was going to be a party. + +'Heavens, Giglio!' cries Angelica: 'YOU here in such a dress! +What a figure you are!' + +'Yes, dear Angelica, I am come downstairs, and feel so well +today, thanks to the FOWL and the JELLY.' + +'What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them +in that rude way?' says Angelica. + +'Why, didn't--didn't you send them, Angelica dear?' says Giglio. + +'I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio dear,' says she, +mocking him, '_I_ was engaged in getting the rooms ready for His +Royal Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay +my papa's Court a visit.' + +'The--Prince--of--Crim--Tartary! ' Giglio said, aghast. + +'Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary,' says Angelica, mocking him. +'I dare say you never heard of such a country. What DID you ever +hear of? You don't know whether Crim Tartary is on the Red Sea +or on the Black Sea, I dare say.' + +'Yes, I do, it's on the Red Sea,' says Giglio, at which the +Princess burst out laughing at him, and said, 'Oh, you ninny! You +are so ignorant, you are really not fit for society! You know +nothing but about horses and dogs, and are only fit to dine in a +mess-room with my Royal father's heaviest dragoons. Don't look +so surprised at me, sir: go and put your best clothes on to +receive the Prince, and let me get the drawing-room ready.' + +Giglio said, 'Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn't think this of you. +THIS wasn't your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I +gave you mine in the garden, and you gave me that k--' + +But what k was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, +cried, 'Get out, you saucy, rude creature! How dare you to +remind me of your rudeness? As for your little trumpery twopenny +ring, there, sir, there!' And she flung it out of the window. + +'It was my mother's marriage-ring,' cried Giglio. + +'_I_ don't care whose marriage-ring it was,' cries Angelica. +'Marry the person who picks it up if she's a woman; you shan't +marry ME. And give me back MY ring. I've no patience with +people who boast about the things they give away! _I_ know who'll +give me much finer things than you ever gave me. A beggarly ring +indeed, not worth five shillings!' + +Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her +was a fairy ring: if a man wore it, it made all the women in +love with him; if a woman, all the gentlemen. The Queen, +Giglio's mother, quite an ordinary-looking person, was admired +immensely whilst she wore this ring, and her husband was frantic +when she was ill. But when she called her little Giglio to her, +and put the ring on his finger, King Savio did not seem to care +for his wife so much any more, but transferred all his love to +little Giglio. So did everybody love him as long as he had the +ring; but when, as quite a child, he gave it to Angelica, people +began to love and admire HER; and Giglio, as the saying is, +played only second fiddle. + +'Yes,' says Angelica, going on in her foolish ungrateful way. +'_I_ know who'll give me much finer things than your beggarly +little pearl nonsense.' + +'Very good, miss! You may take back your ring too!' says Giglio, +his eyes flashing fire at her, and then, as his eyes had been +suddenly opened, he cried out, 'Ha! what does this mean? Is THIS +the woman I have been in love with all my life? Have I been such +a ninny as to throw away my regard upon you? Why-- actually-- +yes--you are a little crooked!' + +'Oh, you wretch!' cries Angelica. + +'And, upon my conscience, you--you squint a little.' + +'Eh!' cries Angelica. + +'And your hair is red--and you are marked with the smallpox--and +what? you have three false teeth--and one leg shorter than the +other!' + +'You brute, you brute, you!' Angelica screamed out: and as she +seized the ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three +smacks on the face, and would have pulled the hair off his head +had he not started laughing, and crying-- + +'Oh dear me, Angelica, don't pull out MY hair, it hurts! You +might remove a great deal of YOUR OWN, as I perceive, without +scissors or pulling at all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! ho he he!' + +And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage; +when, with a low bow, and dressed in his Court habit, Count +Gambabella, the first lord-in-waiting, entered and said, 'Royal +Highnesses! Their Majesties expect you in the Pink Throne-room, +where they await the arrival of the Prince of CRIM TARTARY.' + + + +VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO +CAME TO COURT + +Prince Bulbo's arrival had set all the court in a flutter: +everybody was ordered to put his or her best clothes on: the +footmen had their gala liveries; the Lord Chancellor his new wig; +the Guards their last new tunics; and Countess Gruffanuff, you +may be sure, was glad of an opportunity of decorating HER old +person with her finest things. She was walking through the court +of the Palace on her way to wait upon Their Majesties, when she +espied something glittering on the pavement, and bade the boy in +buttons who was holding up her train, to go and pick up the +article shining yonder. He was an ugly little wretch, in some of +the late groom-porter's old clothes cut down, and much too tight +for him; and yet, when he had taken up the ring (as it turned out +to be), and was carrying it to his mistress, she thought he +looked like a little cupid. He gave the ring to her; it was a +trumpery little thing enough, but too small for any of her old +knuckles, so she put it into her pocket. + +'Oh, mum!' says the boy, looking at her 'how--how beyoutiful you +do look, mum, today, mum!' + +'And you, too, Jacky,' she was going to say; but, looking down at +him--no, he was no longer good-looking at all--but only the +carroty-haired little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is +welcome from the ugliest of men or boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding +the boy hold up her train, walked on in high good-humour. The +guards saluted her with peculiar respect. Captain Hedzoff, in +the anteroom, said, 'My dear madam, you look like an angel +today.' And so, bowing and smirking, Gruffanuff went in and took +her place behind her Royal Master and Mistress, who were in the +throne-room, awaiting the Prince of Crim Tartary. Princess +Angelica sat at their feet, and behind the King's chair stood +Prince Giglio, looking very savage. + +The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron +Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying +the most beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his +travelling costume, and his hair, as you see, was a little in +disorder. 'I have ridden three hundred miles since breakfast,' +said he, 'so eager was I to behold the Prin--the Court and august +family of Paflagonia, and I could not wait one minute before +appearing in Your Majesties' presences.' + +Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of +contemptuous laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so +flurried, that they did not hear this little outbreak. 'Your R. +H. is welcome in any dress,' says the King. 'Glumboso, a chair +for His Royal Highness.' + +'Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court dress,' says +Princess Angelica, smiling graciously. + +'Ah! but you should see my other clothes,' said the Prince. 'I +should have had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought +them. Who's that laughing?' + +It was Giglio laughing. 'I was laughing,' he said, 'because you +said just now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess, +that you could not wait to change your dress; and now you say you +come in those clothes because you have no others.' + +'And who are you?' says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely. + +'My father was King of this country, and I am his only son, +Prince!' replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness. + +'Ha!' said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the +former, collecting himself, said, 'Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to +introduce to Your Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal +Highness Prince Giglio! Know each other! Embrace each other! +Giglio, give His Royal Highness your hand!' and Giglio, giving +his hand, squeezed poor Bulbo's until the tears ran out of his +eyes. Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royal visitor, and +placed it on the platform on which the King, Queen, and Prince +were seated; but the chair was on the edge of the platform, and +as Bulbo sat down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over +and over, and bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder +at this disaster, but it was with laughter; so did all the Court +when Prince Bulbo got up; for though when he entered the room he +appeared not very ridiculous, as he stood up from his fall for a +moment he looked so exceedingly plain and foolish, that nobody +could help laughing at him. When he had entered the room, he was +observed to carry a rose in his hand, which fell out of it as he +tumbled. + +'My rose! my rose!' cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed +forwards and picked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it +in his waistcoat. Then people wondered why they had laughed; +there was nothing particularly ridiculous in him. He was rather +short, rather stout, rather red-haired, but, in fine, for a +Prince, not so bad. + +So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the Crim +Tartar officers with those of Paflagonia--Giglio very comfortable +with Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such +tender eyes, that her heart was all in a flutter. 'Oh, dear +Prince,' she said, 'how could you speak so haughtily in presence +of Their Majesties? I protest I thought I should have fainted.' + +'I should have caught you in my arms,' said Giglio, looking +raptures. + +'Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?' says Gruff. + + +'Because I hate him,' says Gil. + +'You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica,' cries +Gruffanuff, putting her handkerchief to her eyes. + +'I did, but I love her no more!' Giglio cried. 'I despise her! +Were she heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her +and scorn her. But why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I +am too weak to recover it--I am alone, and have no friend.' + +'Oh, say not so, dear Prince!' says Gruffanuff. + +'Besides,' says he, 'I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE that I +would not change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!' + +'What are you two people chattering about there?' says the Queen, +who was rather good-natured, though not overburthened with +wisdom. 'It is time to dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince +Bulbo to his room. Prince, if your clothes have not come, we +shall be very happy to see you as you are.' But when Prince +Bulbo got to his bedroom, his luggage was there and unpacked; and +the hairdresser coming in, cut and curled him entirely to his own +satisfaction; and when the dinner-bell rang, the Royal company +had not to wait above five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo +appeared, during which time the King, who could not bear to wait, +grew as sulky as possible. As for Giglio, he never left Madam +Gruffanuff all this time, but stood with her in the embrasure of +a window, paying her compliments. At length the Groom of the +Chambers announced His Royal Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary! +and the noble company went into the royal dining-room. It was +quite a small party; only the King and Queen, the Princess, whom +Bulbo took out, the two Princes, Countess Gruffanuff, Glumboso +the Prime Minister, and Prince Bulbo's chamberlain. You may be +sure they had a very good dinner--let every boy or girl think of +what he or she likes best, and fancy it on the table.* + +*Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children saying +what they like best for dinner. + +The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of +Crimea, who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes +off his plate, except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent +a quantity of stuffing and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio +only burst out a-laughing as the Crimean Prince wiped his +shirt-front and face with his scented pocket-handkerchief. He +did not make Prince Bulbo any apology. When the Prince looked at +him, Giglio would not look that way. When Prince Bulbo said, +'Prince Giglio, may I have the honour of taking a glass of wine +with you?' Giglio WOULDN'T answer. All his talk and his eyes +were for Countess Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased +with Giglio's attentions--the vain old creature! When he was not +complimenting her, he was making fun of Prince Bulbo, so loud +that Gruffanuff was always tapping him with her fan, and +saying--'Oh, you satirical Prince! Oh, fie, the Prince will +hear!' 'Well, I don't mind,' says Giglio, louder still. The +King and Queen luckily did not hear; for Her Majesty was a little +deaf, and the King thought so much about his own dinner, and, +besides, made such a dreadful noise, hobgobbling in eating it, +that he heard nothing else. After dinner, His Majesty and the +Queen went to sleep in their arm-chairs. + +This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, +plying that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira, +champagne, marsala, cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which +Master Bulbo drank without stint. But in plying his guest, +Giglio was obliged to drink himself, and, I am sorry to say, took +more than was good for him, so that the young men were very +noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladies after +dinner; and dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, my +darlings, you shall hear! + +Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and +singing, and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when +the footman brought it, and he laughed out of place, and talked +absurdly, and fell asleep and snored horridly. Booh, the nasty +pig! But as he lay there stretched on the pink satin sofa, +Angelica still persisted in thinking him the most beautiful of +human beings. No doubt the magic rose which Bulbo wore caused +this infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she the first young +woman who has thought a silly fellow charming? + +Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too, +every moment began to find more lovely. He paid the most +outrageous compliments to her:--There never was such a +darling--Older than he was?--Fiddle-de-dee! He would marry +her--he would have nothing but her! + +To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful +hussy actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, 'This is +to give notice that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of +Paflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming and virtuous +Barbara Griselda, Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late +Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq.' + +'What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?' says Giglio, +who was lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table. + +'Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and +blankets to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and +Queen are both asleep, and your Royal Highness's order will do.' + +So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed +the order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you +may fancy what airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce +out of the room before the Queen herself, as now she was the wife +of the RIGHTFUL King of Paflagonia! She would not speak to +Glumboso, whom she thought a brute, for depriving her DEAR +HUSBAND of the crown! And when candles came, and she had helped +to undress the Queen and Princess, she went into her own room, +and actually practiced on a sheet of paper, 'Griselda +Paflagonia,' 'Barbara Regina,' 'Griselda Barbara, Paf. Reg.,' and +I don't know what signatures besides, against the day when she +should be Queen, forsooth! + + + +IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN + +Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and +the Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented +Betsinda. 'Betsinda!' she said, 'you dressed my hair very nicely +today; I promised you a little present. Here are five sh--no, +here is a pretty little ring, that I picked-- that I have had +some time.' And she gave Betsinda the ring she had picked up in +the court. It fitted Betsinda exactly. + +'It's like the ring the Princess used to wear,' says the maid. + +'No such thing,' says Gruffanuff, 'I have had it this ever so +long. There, tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it's a +very cold night (the snow was beating in at the window), you may +go and warm dear Prince Giglio's bed, like a good girl, and then +you may unrip my green silk, and then you can just do me up a +little cap for the morning, and then you can mend that hole in my +silk stocking, and then you can go to bed, Betsinda. Mind I +shall want my cup of tea at five o'clock in the morning.' + +'I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds, +Ma'am,' says Betsinda. + +Gruffanuff, for reply, said, 'Hau-au-ho!--Grauhawhoo!--Hong- +hrho!' In fact, she was snoring sound asleep. + +Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the +Princess is next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the +coals to the kitchen, and filled the royal warming-pan. + +Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there +must have been something very captivating about her this evening, +for all the women in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse +her. The housekeeper said she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the +upper-housemaid asked, how dare she wear such ringlets and +ribbons, it was quite improper! The cook (for there was a +woman-cook as well as a man-cook) said to the kitchen-maid that +she never could see anything in that creetur: but as for the +men, every one of them, Coachman, John, Buttons, the page, and +Monsieur, the Prince of Crim Tartary's valet, started up, and +said-- + +'My eyes!' } +'O mussey!' } 'What a pretty girl Betsinda is!' +'O jemmany!' } +'O ciel!' } + +'Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!' +says Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the +young gentlemen playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first +to Prince Giglio's bed, which she warmed, and then to Prince +Bulbo's room. + +He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, 'O! +O! O! O! O! O! what a beyou--oo--ootiful creature you are! You +angel--you peri--you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul--thy Bulbo, +too! Fly to the desert, fly with me! I never saw a young +gazelle to glad me with its dark blue eye that had eyes like +shine. Thou nymph of beauty, take, take this young heart. A +truer never did itself sustain within a soldier's waistcoat. Be +mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal father +will approve our union; and, as for that little carroty-haired +Angelica, I do not care a fig for her any more.' + +'Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please,' said +Betsinda, with the warming-pan. + +But Bulbo said, 'No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou +lovely, blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the +Royal Bulbo lies, the trembling captive of Betsinda's eyes.' + +And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that +Betsinda, who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the +warming-pan, which, I promise you, made him cry 'O-o-o-o!' in a +very different manner. + +Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him +from the next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon +as he saw what was taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on +Bulbo, kicked him in the rudest manner up to the ceiling, and +went on kicking him till his hair was quite out of curl. + +Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the +kicking certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so +droll! When Giglio had done knocking him up and down to the +ground, and whilst he went into a corner rubbing himself, what do +you think Giglio does? He goes down on his own knees to +Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart, and +offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda's condition, who +had been in love with the Prince ever since she first saw him in +the palace garden, when she was quite a little child. + +'Oh, divine Betsinda!' says the Prince, 'how have I lived fifteen +years in thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman +in all Europe, Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only +it is not yet discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? +Pish! Gruffanuff? Phoo! The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my +Queen. Thou art the real Angelica, because thou art really +angelic.' + +'Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid,' says Betsinda, +looking, however, very much pleased. + +'Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?' +continues Giglio. 'Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and +bring me jelly and roast chicken?' + +'Yes, dear Prince, I did,' says Betsinda, 'and I sewed Your Royal +Highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal +Highness,' cries this artless maiden. + +When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda, +heard this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances +which she flung upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and +tore quantities of hair out of his head, till it all covered the +room like so much tow. + +Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes +were going on with their conversation, and as they began now to +quarrel and be very fierce with one another, she thought proper +to run away. + +'You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner +there; of course you will give me satisfaction for insulting +Betsinda. YOU dare to kneel down at Princess Giglio's knees and +kiss her hand!' + +'She's not Princess Giglio!' roars out Bulbo. 'She shall be +Princess Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo.' + +'You are engaged to my cousin!' bellows out Giglio. 'I hate your +cousin,' says Bulbo. + +'You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!' cries Giglio +in a fury. + +'I'll have your life.' + +'I'll run you through.' + +'I'll cut your throat.' + +'I'll blow your brains out.' + +'I'll knock your head off.' + +'I'll send a friend to you in the morning.' + +'I'll send a bullet into you in the afternoon.' + +'We'll meet again,' says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo's +face; and seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, +forsooth, Betsinda had carried it, and rushed downstairs. What +should he see on the landing but His Majesty talking to Betsinda, +whom he called by all sorts of fond names. His Majesty had heard +a row in the building, so he stated, and smelling something +burning, had come out to see what the matter was. + +'It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir,' says Betsinda. + +'Charming chambermaid,' says the King (like all the rest of +them), 'never mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged +autocrat, who has been considered not ill-looking in his time.' + +'Oh, sir! what will Her Majesty say?' cries Betsinda. + +'Her Majesty!' laughs the monarch. 'Her Majesty be hanged. Am I +not Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, +hangmen--ha? Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not +sacks to sew up wives withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt +be mine own,--your mistress straightway in a sack is sewn, and +thou the sharer of my heart and throne.' + +When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the +respect usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and +knocked down the King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master +Giglio took to his heels and ran away, and Betsinda went off +screaming, and the Queen, Gruffanuff, and the Princess, all came +out of their rooms. Fancy their feelings on beholding their +husband, father, sovereign, in this posture! + + + +X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION + +As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself +and stood up. 'Ho! my captain of the guards!' His Majesty +exclaimed, stamping his royal feet with rage. O piteous +spectacle! the King's nose was bent quite crooked by the blow of +Prince Giglio! His Majesty ground his teeth with rage. +'Hedzoff,' he said, taking a death-warrant out of his +dressing-gown pocket, 'Hedzoff, good Hedzoff, seize upon the +Prince. Thou'lt find him in his chamber two pair up. But now he +dared, with sacrilegious hand, to strike the sacred night-cap of +a king--Hedzoff, and floor me with a warming-pan! Away, no more +demur, the villain dies! See it be done, or else,--h'm-- +ha!--h'm! mind shine own eyes!' and followed by the ladies, and +lifting up the tails of his dressing-gown, the King entered his +own apartment. + +Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a sincere love for +Giglio. 'Poor, poor Giglio!' he said, the tears rolling over his +manly face, and dripping down his moustachios; 'my noble young +Prince, is it my hand must lead thee to death?' + +'Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff,' said a female voice. It was +Gruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard +the noise. 'The King said you were to hang the Prince. Well, +hang the Prince.' + +'I don't understand you,' says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever +man. + +'You Gaby! he didn't say WHICH Prince,' says Gruffanuff. + +'No; he didn't say which, certainly,' said Hedzoff. + +'Well then, take Bulbo, and hang HIM!' + +When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to dance about for joy. +'Obedience is a soldier's honour,' says he. 'Prince Bulbo's head +will do capitally,' and he went to arrest the Prince the very +first thing next morning. + +He knocked at the door. 'Who's there?' says Bulbo. 'Captain +Hedzoff? Step in, pray, my good Captain; I'm delighted to see +you; I have been expecting you.' + +'Have you?' says Hedzoff. + +'Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me,' says the Prince. + +'I beg Your Royal Highness's pardon, but you will have to act for +yourself, and it's a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz.' + +The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. +'Of course, Captain,' says he, 'you are come about that affair +with Prince Giglio?' + +'Precisely,' says Hedzoff, 'that affair of Prince Giglio.' + +'Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?' asks Bulbo. 'I'm a +pretty good hand with both, and I'll do for Prince Giglio as sure +as my name is My Royal Highness Prince Bulbo.' + +'There's some mistake, my Lord,' says the Captain. 'The business +is done with AXES among us.' + +'Axes? That's sharp work,' says Bulbo. 'Call my Chamberlain, +he'll be my second, and in ten minutes, I flatter myself, you'll +see Master Giglio's head off his impertinent shoulders. I'm +hungry for his blood Hoooo, aw!' and he looked as savage as an +ogre. + +'I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you +prisoner, and hand you over to--to the executioner.' + +'Pooh, pooh, my good man!--Stop, I say,--ho!-- hulloa!' was all +that this luckless Prince was enabled to say, for Hedzoff's +guards seizing him, tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, +and carried him to the place of execution. + +The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, +and took a pinch of snuff and said, 'So much for Giglio. Now +let's go to breakfast.' + +The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner to the Sheriff, +with the fatal order, + +'AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE BEARER'S HEAD. + 'VALOROSO XXIV.' + +'It's a mistake,' says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand the +business in the least. + +'Poo--poo--pooh,' says the Sheriff. 'Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. +Jack Ketch!' + +And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with +a block and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should +be wanted. + +But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda. + + + +XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA + +Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the King, and +knew that Giglio must come to grief, got up very early the next +morning, and went to devise some plans for rescuing her darling +husband, as the silly old thing insisted on calling him. She +found him walking up and down the garden, thinking of a rhyme for +Betsinda (TINDER and WINDA were all he could find), and indeed +having forgotten all about the past evening, except that Betsinda +was the most lovely of beings. + +'Well, dear Giglio,' says Gruff. + +'Well, dear Gruffy,' says Giglio, only HE was quite satirical. + +'I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. +You must fly the country for a while.' + +'What scrape?--fly the country? Never without her I love, +Countess,' says Giglio. + +'No, she will accompany you, dear Prince,' she says, in her most +coaxing accents. 'First, we must get the jewels belonging to our +royal parents. and those of her and his present Majesty. Here +is the key, duck; they are all yours, you know, by right, for you +are the rightful King of Paflagonia, and your wife will be the +rightful Queen.' + +'Will she?' says Giglio. + +'Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso's apartment, +where, under his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the +amount of L2I7,000,000,987,439, 13S. 6 1/2d., all belonging to +you, for he took it out of your royal father's room on the day of +his death. With this we will fly.' + +'WE will fly?' says Giglio. + +'Yes, you and your bride--your affianced love--your Gruffy!' says +the Countess, with a languishing leer. + +'YOU my bride!' says Giglio. 'You, you hideous old woman!' + +'Oh, you--you wretch! didn't you give me this paper promising +marriage?' cries Gruff. + +'Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and Betsinda only!' +And in a fit of terror he ran from her as quickly as he could. + +'He! he! he!' shrieks out Gruff; 'a promise is a promise if there +are laws in Paflagonia! And as for that monster, that wretch, +that fiend, that ugly little vixen--as for that upstart, that +ingrate, that beast, Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little +difficulty in discovering her whereabouts. He may look very long +before finding HER, I warrant. He little knows that Miss +Betsinda is--' + +Is--what? Now, you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five in +winter's morning to bring her cruel mistress her tea; and instead +of finding her in a good humour, found Gruffy as cross as two +sticks. The Countess boxed Betsinda's ears half a dozen times +whilst she was dressing; but as poor little Betsinda was used to +this kind of treatment, she did not feel any special alarm. 'And +now,' says she, 'when Her Majesty rings her bell twice, I'll +trouble you, miss, to attend.' + +So when the Queen's bell rang twice, Betsinda came to Her Majesty +and made a pretty little curtsey. The Queen, the Princess, and +Gruffanuff were all three in the room. As soon as they saw her +they began, + +'You wretch!' says the Queen. + +'You little vulgar thing!' says the Princess. + +'You beast!' says Gruffanuff. + +'Get out of my sight!' says the Queen. + +'Go away with you, do!' says the Princess. + +'Quit the premises!' says Gruffanuff. + +'Alas! and woe is me!' very lamentable events had occurred to +Betsinda that morning, and all in consequence of that fatal +warming-pan business of the previous night. The King had offered +to marry her; of course Her Majesty the Queen was jealous: Bulbo +had fallen in love with her; of course Angelica was furious: +Giglio was in love with her, and oh, what a fury Gruffy was in! + +'Take off that {cap } I gave you,' + {petticoat} they said, all + {gown } at once, +and began tearing the clothes off poor Betsinda. + +'How (the King?' } cried the Queen, +dare you {Prince Bulbo?' } the Princess, and +flirt with {Prince Giglio?'} Countess. + +'Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and +turn her out of it!' cries the Queen. + +'Mind she does not go with MY shoes on, which I lent her so +kindly,' says the Princess; and indeed the Princess's shoes were +a great deal too big for Betsinda. + +'Come with me, you filthy hussy!' and taking up the Queen's +poker, the cruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room. + +The Countess went to the glass box in which she had kept +Betsinda's old cloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, 'Take +those rags, you little beggar creature, and strip off everything +belonging to honest people, and go about your business'; and she +actually tore off the poor little delicate thing's back almost +all her things, and told her to be off out of the house. + +Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which were +embroidered the letters PRIN. . . ROSAL. . . and then came a +great rent. + +As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey +sandal? the string was still to it, so she hung it round her +neck. + +'Won't you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if +you please, mum?' cried the poor child. + +'No, you wicked beast!' says Gruffanuff, driving her along with +the poker--driving her down the cold stairs--driving her through +the cold hall--flinging her out into the cold street, so that the +knocker itself shed tears to see her! + +But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and +she wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and was gone! + + +'And now let us think about breakfast,' says the greedy Queen. + +'What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or the peagreen?' +says Angelica. 'Which do you think the dear Prince will like +best?' + +'Mrs. V.!' sings out the King from his dressing-room, 'let us +have sausages for breakfast! Remember we have Prince Bulbo +staying with us!' + +And they all went to get ready. + +Nine o'clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and +no Prince Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing and humming: the +muffins were smoking--such a heap of muffins! the eggs were done, +there was a pot of raspberry jam, and coffee, and a beautiful +chicken and tongue on the side-table. Marmitonio the cook +brought in the sausages. Oh, how nice they smelt! + +'Where is Bulbo?' said the King. 'John, where is His Royal +Highness?' John said he had a took hup His Roilighnessesses +shaving-water, and his clothes and things, and he wasn't in his +room, which he sposed His Royliness was just stepped trout. + +'Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!' says the +King, sticking his fork into a sausage. 'My dear, take one. +Angelica, won't you have a saveloy?' The Princess took one, +being very fond of them; and at this moment Glumboso entered with +Captain Hedzoff, both looking very much disturbed. + +'I am afraid Your Majesty--' cries Glumboso. + +'No business before breakfast, Glum!' says the King.' Breakfast +first, business next. Mrs. V., some more sugar!' + +'Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too +late,' says Glumboso. 'He--he--he'll be hanged at half-past +nine.' + +'Don't talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, +vulgar man you,' cries the Princess. 'John, some mustard. Pray +who is to be hanged?' + +'Sire, it is the Prince,' whispers Glumboso to the King. + +'Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you!' says His +Majesty, quite sulky. + +'We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it,' says the Minister. +'His father, King Padella. . .' + +'His father, King WHO?' says the King. 'King Padella is not +Giglio's father. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio's father.' + +'It's Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not Prince Giglio,' +says the Prime Minister. + +'You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the ugly one,' says +Hedzoff. 'I didn't, of course, think Your Majesty intended to +murder your own flesh and blood! ' + +The King for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff's +head. The Princess cried out 'Hee-kareekaree!' and fell down in +a fainting fit. + +'Turn the cock of the urn upon Her Royal Highness,' said the +King, and the boiling water gradually revived her. His Majesty +looked at his watch, compared it by the clock in the parlour, and +by that of the church in the square opposite; then he wound it +up; then he looked at it again. 'The great question is,' says +he, 'am I fast or am I slow? If I'm slow, we may as well go on +with breakfast. If I'm fast, why, there is just the possibility +of saving Prince Bulbo. It's a doosid awkward mistake, and upon +my word, Hedzoff, I have the greatest mind to have you hanged +too.' + +'Sire, I did but my duty; a soldier has but his orders. I didn't +expect after forty-seven years of faithful service that my +sovereign would think of putting me to a felon's death!' + +'A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can't you see that while +you are talking my Bulbo is being hung?' screamed the Princess. + +'By Jove! she's always right, that girl, and I'm so absent,' says +the King, looking at his watch again. 'Ha! there go the drums! +What a doosid awkward thing though!' + +'Oh, papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let me run with +it,' cries the Princess--and she got a sheet of paper, and pen +and ink, and laid them before the King. + +'Confound it! where are my spectacles?' the Monarch exclaimed. +'Angelica! go up into my bedroom, look under my pillow, not your +mamma's; there you'll see my keys. Bring them down to me, +and--Well, well! what impetuous things these girls are!' +Angelica was gone, and had run up panting to the bedroom, and +found the keys, and was back again before the King had finished a +muffin. 'Now, love,' says he, 'you must go all the way back for +my desk, in which my spectacles are. If you would but have heard +me out. . . Be hanged to her! There she is off again. Angelica! +ANGELICA!' When His Majesty called in his LOUD voice, she knew +she must obey, and came back. + +'My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, +SHUT THE DOOR. That's a darling. That's all.' At last the +keys and the desk and the spectacles were got, and the King +mended his pen, and signed his name to a reprieve, and Angelica +ran with it as swift as the wind. 'You'd better stay, my love, +and finish the muffins. There's no use going. Be sure it's too +late. Hand me over that raspberry jam, please,' said the +Monarch. 'Bong! Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew it +was.' + +Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, +and down High Street, and through the Market-place, and down to +the left, and over the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back +again, and round by the Castle, and so along by the Haberdasher's +on the right, opposite the lamp-post, and round the square, and +she came--she came to the EXECUTION PLACE, where she saw Bulbo +laying his head on the block!!! The executioner raised his axe, +but at that moment the Princess came panting up and cried +'Reprieve!' 'Reprieve!' screamed the Princess. 'Reprieve!' +shouted all the people. Up the scaffold stairs she sprang, with +the agility of a lighter of lamps; and flinging herself in +Bulbo's arms, regardless of all ceremony, she cried out, 'Oh, my +Prince! my lord! my love! my Bulbo! Thine Angelica has been in +time to save thy precious existence, sweet rosebud; to prevent +thy being nipped in thy young bloom! Had aught befallen thee, +Angelica too had died, and welcomed death that joined her to her +Bulbo.' + +'H'm! there's no accounting for tastes,' said Bulbo, looking so +very much puzzled and uncomfortable that the Princess, in tones +of tenderest strain, asked the cause of his disquiet. + +'I tell you what it is, Angelica,' said he, 'since I came here +yesterday, there has been such a row, and disturbance, and +quarrelling, and fighting, and chopping of heads off, and the +deuce to pay, that I am inclined to go back to Crim Tartary.' + +'But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though wherever thou art is +Crim Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo!' + +'Well, well, I suppose we must be married,' says Bulbo. 'Doctor, +you came to read the Funeral Service--read the Marriage Service, +will you? What must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica, and +then, in the name of peace and quietness, do let us go back to +breakfast.' + +Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the time of the dismal +ceremony. It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother +that he ought never to part with it. So he had kept it between +his teeth, even when he laid his poor head upon the block, hoping +vaguely that some chance would turn up in his favour. As he +began to speak to Angelica, he forgot about the rose, and of +course it dropped out of his mouth. The romantic Princess +instantly stooped and seized it. 'Sweet rose!' she exclaimed, +'that bloomed upon my Bulbo's lip, never, never will I part from +thee!' and she placed it in her bosom. And you know Bulbo +COULDN'T ask her to give the rose back again. And they went to +breakfast; and as they walked, it appeared to Bulbo that Angelica +became more exquisitely lovely every moment. + +He was frantic until they were married; and now, strange to say, +it was Angelica who didn't care about him! He knelt down, he +kissed her hand, he prayed and begged; he cried with admiration; +while she for her part said she really thought they might wait; +it seemed to her he was not handsome any more--no, not at all, +quite the reverse; and not clever, no, very stupid; and not well +bred, like Giglio; no, on the contrary, dreadfully vul-- + +What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out 'POOH, stuff!' +in a terrible voice. 'We will have no more of this +shilly-shallying! Call the Archbishop, and let the Prince and +Princess be married offhand!' + +So, married they were, and I am sure for my part I trust they +will be happy. + + + +XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER + +Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town +gates, and so on the great Crim Tartary road, the very way on +which Giglio too was going. 'Ah!' thought she, as the diligence +passed her, of which the conductor was blowing a delightful tune +on his horn, 'how I should like to be on that coach!' But the +coach and the jingling horses were very soon gone. She little +knew who was in it, though very likely she was thinking of him +all the time. + +Then came an empty cart, returning from market; and the driver +being a kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging +along the road with bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a +seat. He said he lived on the confines of the forest, where his +old father was a woodman, and, if she liked, he would take her so +far on her road. All roads were the same to little Betsinda, so +she very thankfully took this one. + +And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some +bread and cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that she +was very cold and melancholy. When after travelling on and on, +evening came, and all the black pines were bending with snow, and +there, at last, was the comfortable light beaming in the +woodman's windows; and so they arrived, and went into his +cottage. He was an old man, and had a number of children, who +were just at supper, with nice hot bread-and-milk, when their +elder brother arrived with the cart. And they jumped and clapped +their hands; for they were good children; and he had brought them +toys from the town. And when they saw the pretty stranger, they +ran to her, and brought her to the fire, and rubbed her poor +little feet, and brought her bread and milk. + +'Look, father!' they said to the old woodman, 'look at this poor +girl, and see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as white +as our milk! And look and see what an odd cloak she has, just +like the bit of velvet that hangs up in our cupboard, and which +you found that day the little cubs were killed by King Padella, +in the forest! And look, why, bless us all! she has got round +her neck just such another little shoe as that you brought home, +and have shown us so often--a little blue velvet shoe!' + +'What,' said the old woodman, 'what is all this about a shoe and +a cloak?' + +And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a +little child, at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the +persons who had taken care of her had--had been angry with her, +for no fault, she hoped, of her own. And they had sent her away +with her old clothes--and here, in fact, she was. She remembered +having been in a forest--and perhaps it was a dream--it was so +very odd and strange--having lived in a cave with lions there; +and, before that, having lived in a very, very fine house, as +fine as the King's, in the town. + +When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite +curious to see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, +and took out of a stocking a five-shilling piece of King +Cavolfiore, and vowed it was exactly like the young woman. And +then he produced the shoe and piece of velvet which he had kept +so long, and compared them with the things which Betsinda wore. +In Betsinda's little shoe was written, 'Hopkins, maker to the +Royal Family'; so in the other shoe was written, 'Hopkins, maker +to the Royal Family.' In the inside of Betsinda's piece of cloak +was embroidered, 'PRIN ROSAL'; in the other piece of cloak was +embroidered 'CESS BA. NO. 246.' So that when put together you +read, 'PRINCESS ROSALBA. NO. 246.' + +On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, +saying, 'O my Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my rightful +Queen of Crim Tartary,--I hail thee--I acknowledge thee--I do +thee homage!' And in token of his fealty, he rubbed his +venerable nose three times on the ground, and put the Princess's +foot on his head. + +'Why,' said she, 'my good woodman, you must be a nobleman of my +royal father's Court!' For in her lowly retreat, and under the +name of Betsinda, HER MAJESTY, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, +had read of the customs of all foreign courts and nations. + +'Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege--the poor Lord Spinachi +once--the humble woodman these fifteen years syne. Ever since +the tyrant Padella (may ruin overtake the treacherous knave!) +dismissed me from my post of First Lord.' + +'First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snuffbox? I +mind me! Thou heldest these posts under our royal Sire. They +are restored to thee, Lord Spinachi! I make thee knight of the +second class of our Order of the Pumpkin (the first class being +reserved for crowned heads alone). Rise, Marquis of Spinachi!' +And with indescribable majesty, the Queen, who had no sword +handy, waved the pewter spoon with which she had been taking her +bread-and-milk, over the bald head of the old nobleman, whose +tears absolutely made a puddle on the ground, and whose dear +children went to bed that night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, +Ubaldo, Catarina, and Ottavia degli Spinachi! + +The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history, and noble +families of her empire, was wonderful. 'The House of Broccoli +should remain faithful to us,' she said; 'they were ever welcome +at our Court. Have the Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to +the Rising Sun? The family of Sauerkraut must sure be with +us--they were ever welcome in the halls of King Cavolfiore.' And +so she went on enumerating quite a list of the nobility and +gentry of Crim Tartary, so admirably had Her Majesty profited by +her studies while in exile. + +The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer for them all; +that the whole country groaned under Padella's tyranny, and +longed to return to its rightful sovereign; and late as it was, +he sent his children, who knew the forest well, to summon this +nobleman and that; and when his eldest son, who had been rubbing +the horse down and giving him his supper, came into the house for +his own, the Marquis told him to put his boots on, and a saddle +on the mare, and ride hither and thither to such and such people. + + +When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, +he too knelt down and put her royal foot on his head; he too +bedewed the ground with his tears; he was frantically in love +with her, as everybody now was who saw her: so were the young +Lords Bartolomeo and Ubaldo, who punched each other's little +heads out of jealousy; and so, when they came from east and west +at the summons of the Marquis degli Spinachi, were the Crim +Tartar Lords who still remained faithful to the House of +Cavolfiore. They were such very old gentlemen for the most part +that Her Majesty never suspected their absurd passion, and went +among them quite unaware of the havoc her beauty was causing, +until an old blind Lord who had joined her party told her what +the truth was; after which, for fear of making the people too +much in love with her, she always wore a veil. She went about +privately, from one nobleman's castle to another; and they +visited among themselves again, and had meetings, and composed +proclamations and counterproclamations, and distributed all the +best places of the kingdom amongst one another, and selected who +of the opposition party should be executed when the Queen came to +her own. And so in about a year they were ready to move. + +The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of very feeble old +fogies for the most part; they went about the country waving +their old swords and flags, and calling 'God save the Queen!' and +King Padella happening to be absent upon an invasion, they had +their own way for a little, and to be sure the people were very +enthusiastic whenever they saw the Queen; otherwise the vulgar +took matters very quietly, for they said, as far as they could +recollect, they were pretty well as much taxed in Cavolfiore's +time, as now in Padella's. + + + +XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT +HOGGINARMO + +Her Majesty, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her +followers Knights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls, and +Baronets; and they had a little court for her, and made her a +little crown of gilt paper, and a robe of cotton velvet; and they +quarrelled about the places to be given away in her court, and +about rank and precedence and dignities;--you can't think how +they quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of her honours +before she had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimes +even to be a lady's-maid again. But we must all do our duty in +our respective stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform +hers. + +We have said how it happened that none of the Usurper's troops +came out to oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as +nimbly as the gout of the principal commanders allowed: it +consisted of twice as many officers as soldiers: and at length +passed near the estates of one of the most powerful noblemen of +the country, who had not declared for the Queen, but of whom her +party had hopes, as he was always quarrelling with King Padella. + +When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say +he would wait upon Her Majesty: he was a most powerful warrior, +and his name was Count Hogginarmo, whose helmet it took two +strong negroes to carry. He knelt down before her and said, +'Madam and liege lady! it becomes the great nobles of the Crimean +realm to show every outward sign of respect to the wearer of the +Crown, whoever that may be. We testify to our own nobility in +acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bends the knee to the +first of the aristocracy of his country.' + +Rosalba said, 'The bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly kind.' +But she felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his +eyes scowled at her from between his whiskers, which grew up to +them. + +'The first Count of the Empire, madam,' he went on, 'salutes the +Sovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the not more noble +lady! Madam, my hand is free, and I offer it, and my heart and +my sword to your service! My three wives lie buried in my +ancestral vaults. The third perished but a year since; and this +heart pines for a consort! Deign to be mine, and I swear to +bring to your bridal table the head of King Padella, the eyes and +nose of his son Prince Bulbo, the right hand and ears of the +usurping Sovereign of Paflagonia, which country shall thenceforth +be an appanage to your--to OUR Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo is not +accustomed to be denied. Indeed I cannot contemplate the +possibility of a refusal: for frightful will be the result; +dreadful the murders; furious the devastations; horrible the +tyranny; tremendous the tortures, misery, taxation, which the +people of this realm will endure, if Hogginarmo's wrath be +aroused! I see consent in Your Majesty's lovely eyes-- their +glances fill my soul with rapture!' + +'Oh, sir!' Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright. +'Your Lordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry to tell you +that I have a prior attachment to a young gentleman by the name +of--Prince Giglio--and never--never can marry any one but him.' + +Who can describe Hogginarmo's wrath at this remark? Rising up +from the ground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out +of his mouth, from which at the same time issued remarks and +language, so LOUD, VIOLENT, AND IMPROPER, that this pen shall +never repeat them! 'R-r-r-r-rr--Rejected! Fiends and +perdition! The bold Hogginarmo rejected! All the world shall +hear of my rage; and you, madam, you above all shall rue it!' +And kicking the two negroes before him, he rushed away, his +whiskers streaming in the wind. + +Her Majesty's Privy Council was in a dreadful panic when they +saw Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering +rage, making footballs of the poor negroes--a panic which the +events justified. They marched off from Hogginarmo's park very +crestfallen; and in another halfhour they were met by that +rapacious chieftain with a few of his followers, who cut, +slashed, charged, whacked, banged, and pommelled amongst them, +took the Queen prisoner, and drove the Army of Fidelity to I +don't know where. + +Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to +see her. 'Get a horse-van!' he said to his grooms, 'clap the +hussy into it, and send her, with my compliments, to His +Majesty King Padella.' + +Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full +of servile compliments and loathsome flatteries to King +Padella, for whose life, and that of his royal family, the +HYPOCRITICAL HUMBUG pretended to offer the most fulsome +prayers. And Hogginarmo promised speedily to pay his humble +homage at his august master's throne, of which he begged leave +to be counted the most loyal and constant defender. Such a +WARY old BIRD as King Padella was not to be caught by Master +Hogginarmo's CHAFF and we shall hear presently how the tyrant +treated his upstart vassal. No, no; depend on's, two such +rogues do not trust one another. + +So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and +driven along in the dark ever so many miles to the Court, where +King Padella had now arrived, having vanquished all his +enemies, murdered most of them, and brought some of the richest +into captivity with him for the purpose of torturing them and +finding out where they had hidden their money. + +Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which +she was thrust; a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, +mice, toads, frogs, mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and +every kind of horror. No light was let into it, otherwise the +gaolers might have seen her and fallen in love with her, as an +owl that lived up in the roof of the tower did, and a cat, you +know, who can see in the dark, and having set its green eyes on +Rosalba, never would be got to go back to the turnkey's wife to +whom it belonged. And the toads in the dungeon came and kissed +her feet, and the vipers wound round her neck and arms, and +never hurt her, so charming was this poor Princess in the midst +of her misfortunes. + +At last, after she had been kept in this place EVER SO LONG, +the door of the dungeon opened, and the terrible KING PADELLA +came in. + +But what he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, +as we must now back to Prince Giglio. + + + +XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO + +The idea of marrying such an old creature as Gruffanuff +frightened Prince Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed +his trunks, fetched in a couple of porters, and was off to the +diligence office in a twinkling. + +It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not +dawdle over his luggage, and took the early coach, for as soon +as the mistake about Prince Bulbo was found out, that cruel +Glumboso sent up a couple of policemen to Prince Giglio's room, +with orders that he should be carried to Newgate, and his head +taken off before twelve o'clock. But the coach was out of the +Paflagonian dominions before two o'clock; and I dare say the +express that was sent after Prince Giglio did not ride very +quick, for many people in Paflagonia had a regard for Giglio, +as the son of their old sovereign; a Prince who, with all his +weaknesses, was very much better than his brother, the +usurping, lazy, careless, passionate, tyrannical, reigning +monarch. That Prince busied himself with the balls, fetes, +masquerades, hunting-parties, and so forth, which he thought +proper to give on occasion of his daughter's marriage to Prince +Bulbo; and let us trust was not sorry in his own heart that his +brother's son had escaped the scaffold. + +It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, and +Giglio, who gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was very glad to +get a comfortable place in the coupe of the diligence, where he +sat with the conductor and another gentleman. At the first +stage from Blombodinga, as they stopped to change horses, there +came up to the diligence a very ordinary, vulgar-looking woman, +with a bag under her arm, who asked for a place. All the +inside places were taken, and the young woman was informed that +if she wished to travel, she must go upon the roof; and the +passenger inside with Giglio (a rude person, I should think), +put his head out of the window, and said, 'Nice weather for +travelling outside! I wish you a pleasant journey, my dear.' +The poor woman coughed very much, and Giglio pitied her. 'I +will give up my place to her,' says he, 'rather than she should +travel in the cold air with that horrid cough.' On which the +vulgar traveller said, 'YOU'D keep her warm, I am sure, if it's +a MUFF she wants.' On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxed his +ears, hit him in the eye, and gave this vulgar person a warning +never to call him MUFF again. + +Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the diligence, and +made himself very comfortable in the straw. + +The vulgar traveller got down only at the next station, and +Giglio took his place again, and talked to the person next to +him. She appeared to be a most agreeable, well-informed, and +entertaining female. They travelled together till night, and +she gave Giglio all sorts of things out of the bag which she +carried, and which indeed seemed to contain the most wonderful +collection of articles. He was thirsty--out there came a pint +bottle of Bass's pale ale, and a silver mug! Hungry--she took +out a cold fowl, some slices of ham, bread, salt, and a most +delicious piece of cold plum-pudding, and a little glass of +brandy afterwards. + +As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to +Giglio on a variety of subjects, in which the poor Prince +showed his ignorance as much as she did her capacity. He +owned, with many blushes, how ignorant he was; on which the +lady said, 'My dear Gigl-- my good Mr. Giles, you are a young +man, and have plenty of time before you. You have nothing to +do but to improve yourself. Who knows but that you may find +use for your knowledge some day? When--when you may be wanted +at home, as some people may be.' + +'Good heavens, madam!' says he, 'do you know me?' + +'I know a number of funny things,' says the lady. 'I have been +at some people's christenings, and turned away from other +folks' doors. I have seen some people spoilt by good fortune, +and others, as I hope, improved by hardship. I advise you to +stay at the town where the coach stops for the night. Stay +there and study, and remember your old friend to whom you were +kind.' + +'And who is my old friend?' asked Giglio. + +'When you want anything,' says the lady, 'look in this bag, +which I leave to you as a present, and be grateful to--' + +'To whom, madam?' says he. + +'To the Fairy Blackstick,' says the lady, flying out of the +window. And then Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where +the lady was? + +'What lady?' says the man; 'there has been no lady in this +coach, except the old woman, who got out at the last stage.' +And Giglio thought he had been dreaming. But there was the bag +which Blackstick had given him lying on his lap; and when he +came to the town he took it in his hand and went into the inn. + +They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio, when he woke in +the morning, fancying himself in the Royal Palace at home, +called, 'John, Charles, Thomas! My chocolate--my +dressing-gown--my slippers'; but nobody came. There was no +bell, so he went and bawled out for water on the top of the +stairs. + +The landlady came up. + +'What are you a hollering and a bellaring for here, young man?' +says she. + +'There's no warm water--no servants; my boots are not even +cleaned.' + +'He, he! Clean 'em yourself,' says the landlady. 'You young +students give yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such +impudence.' + +'I'll quit the house this instant,' says Giglio. + +'The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. +All my rooms is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as +you.' + +'You may well keep the Bear Inn,' said Giglio. 'You should have +yourself painted as the sign.' + +The landlady of the Bear went away GROWLING. And Giglio +returned to his room, where the first thing he saw was the +fairy bag lying on the table, which seemed to give a little hop +as he came in. 'I hope it has some breakfast in it,' says +Giglio, 'for I have only a very little money left.' But on +opening the bag, what do you think was there? A blackingbrush +and a pot of Warren's jet, and on the pot was written + +Poor young men their boots must black: +Use me and cork me and put me back. + +So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush +and the bottle into the bag. + +When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little +hop, and he went to it and took out-- + +1. A tablecloth and a napkin. + +2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar. + +4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair +of sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked G. + +11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin. + +14. A jug full of delicious cream. + +15. A canister with black tea and green. + +16. A large tea-urn and boiling water. + +17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done. + +18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter. + +19. A brown loaf. + +And if he hadn't enough now for a good breakfast, I should like +to know who ever had one? + +Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back +into the bag, and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to +say that this celebrated university town was called Bosforo. + +He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools, paid his bill at +the inn, and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet-bag, +and not forgetting, we may be sure, his OTHER bag. + +When he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled +with his best clothes, he found it contained only books. And +in the first of them which he opened there was written-- + +Clothes for the back, books for the head: +Read and remember them when they are read. + +And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student's +cap and gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, +and a Johnson's dictionary, which was very useful to him, as +his spelling had been sadly neglected. + +So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard for a whole +year, during which 'Mr. Giles' was quite an example to all the +students in the University of Bosforo. He never got into any +riots or disturbances. The Professors all spoke well of him, +and the students liked him too; so that, when at examination, +he took all the prizes, viz.-- + +{The Spelling Prize {The French Prize +{The Writing Prize {The Arithmetic Prize +{The History Prize {The Latin Prize +{The Catechism Prize {The Good Conduct Prize, + +all his fellow-students said, 'Hurrah! Hurray for Giles! Giles +is the boy--the student's joy! Hurray for Giles!' And he +brought quite a quantity of medals, crowns, books, and tokens +of distinction home to his lodgings. + +One day after the Examinations, as he was diverting himself at +a coffee-house with two friends--(Did I tell you that in his +bag, every Saturday night, he found just enough to pay his +bills, with a guinea over, for pocketmoney? Didn't I tell you? +Well, he did, as sure as twice twenty makes forty-five)--he +chanced to look in the Bosforo Chronicle, and read off, quite +easily (for he could spell, read, and write the longest words +now), the following:-- + +'ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE.--One of the most extraordinary +adventures that we have ever heard has set the neighbouring +country of Crim Tartary in a state of great excitement. + +'It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign +of Crim Tartary, His Majesty King PADELLA, took possession of +the throne, after having vanquished, in the terrific battle of +Blunderbusco, the late King CAVOLFIORE, that Prince's only +child, the Princess Rosalba, was not found in the royal palace, +of which King Padella took possession, and, it was said, had +strayed into the forest (being abandoned by all her attendants) +where she had been eaten up by those ferocious lions, the last +pair of which were captured some time since, and brought to the +Tower, after killing several hundred persons. + +'His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the +world, was grieved at the accident which had occurred to the +harmless little Princess, for whom His Majesty's known +benevolence would certainly have provided a fitting +establishment. But her death seemed to be certain. The +mangled remains of a cloak, and a little shoe, were found in +the forest, during a hunting-party, in which the intrepid +sovereign of Crim Tartary slew two of the lions' cubs with his +own spear. And these interesting relics of an innocent little +creature were carried home and kept by their finder, the Baron +Spinachi, formerly an officer in Cavolfiore's household. The +Baron was disgraced in consequence of his known legitimist +opinions, and has lived for some time in the humble capacity of +a wood-cutter, in a forest on the outskirts of the Kingdom of +Crim Tartary. + +'Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of gentlemen, +attached to the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying, "God +save Rosalba, the first Queen of Crim Tartary!" and surrounding +a lady whom report describes as "BEAUTIFUL EXCEEDINGLY." Her +history MAY be authentic, is certainly most romantic. + +'The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was +brought out of the forest, fifteen years since, by a lady in a +car drawn by dragons (this account is certainly IMPROBABLE), +that she was left in the Palace Garden of Blombodinga, where +Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica, now married to His +Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, found the +child, and, with THAT ELEGANT BENEVOLENCE which has always +distinguished the heiress of the throne of Paflagonia, gave the +little outcast a SHELTER AND A HOME! Her parentage not being +known, and her garb very humble, the foundling was educated in +the Palace in a menial capacity, under the name of BETSINDA. + +'She did not give satisfaction, and was dismissed, carrying +with her, certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe, which she had +on when first found. According to her statement she quitted +Blombodinga about a year ago, since which time she has been +with the Spinachi family. On the very same morning the Prince +Giglio, nephew to the King of Paflagonia, a young Prince whose +character for TALENT and ORDER were, to say truth, none of the +HIGHEST, also quitted Blombodinga, and has not been since heard +of!' + +'What an extraordinary story!' said Smith and Jones, two young +students, Giglio's especial friends. + +'Ha! what is this? ' Giglio went on, reading-- + +'SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS.--We hear that the troop under Baron +Spinachi has been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General +Count Hogginarmo, and the soidisant Princess is sent a prisoner +to the capital. + +'UNIVERSITY NEWS.--Yesterday, at the Schools, the distinguished +young student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was +complimented by the Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with +the highest University honour--the wooden spoon.' + +'Never mind that stuff,' says GILES, greatly disturbed. 'Come +home with me, my friends. Gallant Smith! intrepid Jones! +friends of my studies--partakers of my academic toils--I have +that to tell which shall astonish your honest minds.' + +'Go it, old boy!' cries the impetuous Smith. + +'Talk away, my buck!' says Jones, a lively fellow. + +With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their +natural, but no more seemly, familiarity. 'Jones, Smith, my +good friends,' said the PRINCE, 'disguise is henceforth +useless; I am no more the humble student Giles, I am the +descendant of a royal line.' + +'Atavis edite regibus, I know, old co--' cried Jones. He was +going to say old cock, but a flash from THE ROYAL EYE again +awed him. + +'Friends,' continued the Prince, 'I am that Giglio, I am, in +fact, Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public +street. Jones, thou true heart! My faithless uncle, when I +was a baby, filched from me that brave crown my father left me, +bred me, all young and careless of my rights, like unto hapless +Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; and had I any thoughts about my +wrongs, soothed me with promises of near redress. I should +espouse his daughter, young Angelica; we two indeed should +reign in Paflagonia. His words were false--false as Angelica's +heart!--false as Angelica's hair, colour, front teeth! She +looked with her skew eyes upon young Bulbo, Crim Tartary's +stupid heir, and she preferred him.' Twas then I turned my +eyes upon Betsinda--Rosalba, as she now is. And I saw in her +the blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maiden modesty; +the nymph that my fond heart had ever woo'd in dreams,' etc. +etc. + +(I don't give this speech, which was very fine, but very long; +and though Smith and Jones knew nothing about the +circumstances, my dear reader does, so I go on.) + +The Prince and his young friends hastened home to his +apartment, highly excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by +the ROYAL NARRATOR'S admirable manner of recounting it, and +they ran up to his room where he had worked so hard at his +books. + +On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the Prince +could not help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and +what do you think he found in it? + +A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded, +cut-and-thrust sword, and on the sheath was embroidered +'ROSALBA FOR EVER!' + +He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole +room, and called out 'Rosalba for ever!' Smith and Jones +following him, but quite respectfully this time, and taking the +time from His Royal Highness. + +And now his trunk opened with a sudden pony, and out there came +three ostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful +shining steel helmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a +complete suit of armour. + +The books on Giglio's shelves were all gone. Where there had +been some great dictionaries, Giglio's friends found two pairs +of jack-boots labelled, 'Lieutenant Smith,' '--Jones, Esq.,' +which fitted them to a nicety. Besides, there were helmets, +back and breast plates, swords, etc., just like in Mr. G. P. R. +James's novels; and that evening three cavaliers might have +been seen issuing from the gates of Bosforo, in whom the +porters, proctors, etc., never thought of recognising the young +Prince and his friends. + +They got horses at a livery stable-keeper's, and never drew +bridle until they reached the last town on the frontier before +you come to Crim Tartary. Here, as their animals were tired, +and the cavaliers hungry, they stopped and refreshed at an +hostel. I could make a chapter of this if I were like some +writers, but I like to cram my measure tight down, you see, and +give you a great deal for your money, and, in a word, they had +some bread and cheese and ale upstairs on the balcony of the +inn. As they were drinking, drums and trumpets sounded nearer +and nearer, the marketplace was filled with soldiers, and His +Royal Highness looking forth, recognised the Paflagonian +banners, and the Paflagonian national air which the bands were +playing. + +The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up +Giglio exclaimed, on beholding their leader, 'Whom do I see? +Yes! No! It is, it is! Phoo! No, it can't be! Yes! It is +my friend, my gallant faithful veteran, Captain Hedzoff! Ho! +Hedzoff! Knowest thou not thy Prince, thy Giglio? Good +Corporal, methinks we once were friends. Ha, Sergeant, an' my +memory serves me right, we have had many a bout at +singlestick.' + +'I' faith, we have, a many, good my Lord,' says the Sergeant. + +'Tell me, what means this mighty armament,' continued His Royal +Highness from the balcony, 'and whither march my Paflagonians?' + +Hedzoff's head fell. 'My Lord,' he said, 'we march as the +allies of great Padella, Crim Tartary's monarch.' + +'Crim Tartary's usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary's grim +tyrant, honest Hedzoff!' said the Prince, on the balcony, quite +sarcastically. + +'A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders: mine are to +help His Majesty Padella. And also (though alack that I should +say it!) to seize wherever I should light upon him.' + +'First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!' exclaimed His Royal +Highness. + +'--On the body of GIGLIO, whilome Prince of Paflagonia' Hedzoff +went on, with indescribable emotion. 'My Prince, give up your +sword without ado. Look! we are thirty thousand men to one!' + +'Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!' cried the Prince; +and stepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, +WITHOUT PREPARATION, delivered a speech so magnificent, that no +report can do justice to it. It was all in blank verse (in +which, from this time, he invariably spoke, as more becoming +his majestic station). It lasted for three days and three +nights, during which not a single person who heard him was +tired, or remarked the difference between daylight and dark. +The soldiers only cheering tremendously, when occasionally, +once in nine hours, the Prince paused to suck an orange, which +Jones took out of the bag. He explained, in terms which we say +we shall not attempt to convey, the whole history of the +previous transaction, and his determination not only not to +give up his sword, but to assume his rightful crown; and at the +end of this extraordinary, this truly GIGANTIC effort, Captain +Hedzoff flung up his helmet, and cried, 'Hurray! Hurray! Long +live King Giglio!' + +Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at +College! + +When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the +army, and their Sovereign himself did not disdain a little! And +now it was with some alarm that Captain Hedzoff told him his +division was only the advanced guard of the Paflagonian +contingent, hastening to King Padella's aid; the main force +being a day's march in the rear under His Royal Highness Prince +Bulbo. + +'We will wait here, good friend, to beat the Prince,' His +Majesty said, 'and THEN will make his royal father wince.' + + + +XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA + +King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those +which she had received from the various princes who, as we have +seen, had fallen in love with her. His Majesty was a widower, +and offered to marry his fair captive that instant, but she +declined his invitation in her usual polite gentle manner, +stating that Prince Giglio was her love, and that any other +union was out of the question. Having tried tears and +supplications in vain, this violent-tempered monarch menaced +her with threats and tortures; but she declared she would +rather suffer all these than accept the hand of her father's +murderer, who left her finally, uttering the most awful +imprecations, and bidding her prepare for death on the +following morning. + +All night long the King spent in advising how he should get rid +of this obdurate young creature. Cutting off her head was much +too easy a death for her; hanging was so common in His +Majesty's dominions that it no longer afforded him any sport; +finally, he bethought himself of a pair of fierce lions which +had lately been sent to him as presents, and he determined, +with these ferocious brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down. +Adjoining his castle was an amphitheatre where the Prince +indulged in bull-baiting, rat-hunting, and other ferocious +sports. The two lions were kept in a cage under this place; +their roaring might be heard over the whole city, the +inhabitants of which, I am sorry to say, thronged in numbers to +see a poor young lady gobbled up by two wild beasts. + +The King took his place in the royal box, having the officers +of his Court around and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon +whom His Majesty was observed to look very fiercely; the fact +is, royal spies had told the monarch of Hogginarmo's behaviour, +his proposals to Rosalba, and his offer to fight for the crown. +Black as thunder looked King Padella at this proud noble, as +they sat in the front seats of the theatre waiting to see the +tragedy whereof poor Rosalba was to be the heroine. + +At length that Princess was brought out in her nightgown, with +all her beautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so +pretty that even the beef-eaters and keepers of the wild +animals wept plentifully at seeing her. And she walked with +her poor little feet (only luckily the arena was covered with +sawdust), and went and leaned up against a great stone in the +centre of the amphitheatre, round which the Court and the +people were seated in boxes, with bars before them, for fear of +the great, fierce, red-maned, black-throated, long-tailed, +roaring, bellowing, rushing lions. And now the gates were +opened, and with a wurrawarrurawarar two great lean, hungry, +roaring lions rushed out of their den, where they had been kept +for three weeks on nothing but a little toast-and-water, and +dashed straight up to the stone where poor Rosalba was waiting. +Commend her to your patron saints, all you kind people, for she +is in a dreadful state! + +There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the +fierce King Padella even felt a little compassion. But Count +Hogginarmo, seated by His Majesty, roared out 'Hurray! Now for +it! Soo-soo-soo!' that nobleman being uncommonly angry still +at Rosalba's refusal of him. + +But O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O +extraordinary coincidence, which I am sure none of you could BY +ANY POSSIBILITY have divined! When the lions came to Rosalba, +instead of devouring her with their great teeth, it was with +kisses they gobbled her up! They licked her pretty feet, they +nuzzled their noses in her lap, they moo'd, they seemed to say, +'Dear, dear sister don't you recollect your brothers in the +forest?' And she put her pretty white arms round their tawny +necks, and kissed them. + +King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo +was extremely disgusted. 'Pooh!' the Count cried. 'Gammon!' +exclaimed his Lordship.' These lions are tame beasts come from +Wombwell's or Astley's. It is a shame to put people off in +this way. I believe they are little boys dressed up in +door-mats. They are no lions at all.' + +'Ha!' said the King, 'you dare to say "gammon" to your +Sovereign, do you? These lions are no lions at all, aren't +they? Ho! my beef-eaters! Ho! my bodyguard! Take this Count +Hogginarmo and fling him into the circus! Give him a sword and +buckler, let him keep his armour on, and his weather-eye out, +and fight these lions.' + +The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked +scowling round at the King and his attendants. 'Touch me not, +dogs!' he said, 'or by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will gore you! +Your Majesty thinks Hogginarmo is afraid? No, not of a hundred +thousand lions! Follow me down into the circus, King Padella, +and match thyself against one of yon brutes. Thou darest not. +Let them both come on, then!' And opening a grating of the +box, he jumped lightly down into the circus. + +WURRA WURRA WURRA WUR-AW-AW-AW!!! + In about two minutes + The Count Hogginarmo was + GOBBLED UP + by + those lions, + bones, boots, and all, + and + There was an + End of him. + +At this, the King said, 'Serve him right, the rebellious +ruffian! And now, as those lions won't eat that young woman--' + +'Let her off!--let her off!' cried the crowd. + +'NO! ' roared the King. 'Let the beef-eaters go down and chop +her into small pieces. If the lions defend her, let the +archers shoot them to death. That hussy shall die in +tortures!' + +'A-a-ah!' cried the crowd. 'Shame! shame!' + +'Who dares cry out shame?' cried the furious potentate (so +little can tyrants command their passions). 'Fling any +scoundrel who says a word down among the lions!' + +I warrant you there was a dead silence then, which was broken +by a Pang arang pang pangkarangpang, and a Knight and a Herald +rode in at the further end of the circus: the Knight, in full +armour, with his vizor up, and bearing a letter on the point of +his lance. + +'Ha!' exclaimed the King, 'by my fey, 'tis Elephant and Castle, +pursuivant of my brother of Paflagonia; and the Knight, an' my +memory serves me, is the gallant Captain Hedzoff! What news +from Paflagonia, gallant Hedzoff? Elephant and Castle, beshrew +me, thy trumpeting must have made thee thirsty. What will my +trusty herald like to drink?' + +'Bespeaking first safe conduct from your Lordship,' said +Captain Hedzoff, 'before we take a drink of anything, permit us +to deliver our King's message.' + +'My Lordship, ha!' said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. +'That title soundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned +King. Straightway speak out your message, Knight and Herald!' + +Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the +King's balcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and bade him +begin. + +Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, +took a large sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to +read:-- + +'O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these presents, that we, +Giglio, King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign +Prince of Turkey and the Sausage Islands, having assumed our +rightful throne and title, long time falsely borne by our +usurping Uncle, styling himself King of Paflagonia--' + +'Ha!' growled Padella. + +'Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King +of Crim Tartary--' + +The King's curses were dreadful. 'Go on, Elephant and Castle!' +said the intrepid Hedzoff. + +'--To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and +rightful Sovereign, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore +her to her royal throne: in default of which, I, Giglio, +proclaim the said Padella sneak, traitor, humbug, usurper, and +coward. I challenge him to meet me, with fists or with +pistols, with battle-axe or sword, with blunderbuss or +singlestick, alone or at the head of his army, on foot or on +horseback; and will prove my words upon his wicked ugly body!' + +'God save the King!' said Captain Hedzoff, executing a +demivolte, two semilunes, and three caracols. + +'Is that all?' said Padella, with the terrific calm of +concentrated fury. + +'That, sir, is all my royal master's message. Here is His +Majesty's letter in autograph, and here is his glove, and if +any gentleman of Crim Tartary chooses to find fault with His +Majesty's expressions, I, Tuffskin Hedzoff, Captain of the +Guard, am very much at his service,' and he waved his lance, +and looked at the assembly all round. + +'And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son's +father-in-law, to this rubbish?' asked the King. + +'The King's uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly +wore,' said Hedzoff gravely. 'He and his axminister, Glumboso, +are now in prison waiting the sentence of my royal master. +After the battle of Bombardaro--' + +'Of what?' asked the surprised Padella. + +'Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present Majesty, would have +performed prodigies of velour, but that the whole of his +uncle's army came over to our side, with the exception of +Prince Bulbo.' + +'Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!' cried Padella. + +'Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir; but I +caught him. The Prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most +terrific tortures await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba's +head is injured.' + +'Do they?' exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly +LIVID with rage.' Do they indeed? So much the worse for Bulbo. +I've twenty sons as lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as +fit to reign as Bulbo. Whip, whack, flog, starve, rack, +punish, torture Bulbo--break all his bones--roast him or flay +him alive--pull all his pretty teeth out one by one! But +justly dear as Bulbo is to me,--joy of my eyes, fond treasure +of my soul!--Ha, ha, ha, ha! revenge is dearer still. Ho! +tortures, rack-men, executioners--light up the fires and make +the pincers hot! get lots of boiling lead!--Bring out ROSALBA!' + + + +XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO + +Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel +command, having done his duty in delivering the message with +which his royal master had entrusted him. Of course he was +very sorry for Rosalba, but what could he do? + +So he returned to King Giglio's camp, and found the young +monarch in a disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the +royal tent. His Majesty's agitation was not appeased by the +news that was brought by his ambassador. 'The brutal ruthless +ruffian royal wretch!' Giglio exclaimed. 'As England's poesy +has well remarked, "The man that lays his hand upon a woman, +save in the way of kindness, is a villain." Ha, Hedzoff!' + +'That he is, your Majesty,' said the attendant. + +'And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and didn't the +soothing oil--the emollient oil, refuse to boil, good +Hedzoff--and to spoil the fairest lady ever eyes did look on?' + +'Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a +beauteous lady boiling down; I took your royal message to +Padella, and bore his back to you. I told him you would hold +Prince Bulbo answerable. He only said that he had twenty sons +as good as Bulbo, and forthwith he bade the ruthless +executioners proceed.' + +'O cruel father--O unhappy son!' cried the King. 'Go, some of +you, and bring Prince Bulbo hither.' + +Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. +Though a prisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because +his mind was at rest, and all the fighting was over, and he was +playing at marbles with his guards when the King sent for him. + +'Oh, my poor Bulbo,' said His Majesty, with looks of infinite +compassion, 'hast thou heard the news?' (for you see Giglio +wanted to break the thing gently to the Prince), 'thy brutal +father has condemned Rosalba--p-p-p-ut her to death, +P-p-p-prince Bulbo! ' + +'What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo,' cried out Bulbo. +'Betsinda! pretty Betsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the dearest +little girl in the world. I love her better twenty thousand +times even than Angelica,' and he went on expressing his grief +in so hearty and unaffected a manner that the King was quite +touched by it, and said, shaking Bulbo's hand, that he wished +he had known Bulbo sooner. + +Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered +to come and sit with His Majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, +and console him. The ROYAL KINDNESS supplied Bulbo with a +cigar; he had not had one, he said, since he was taken +prisoner. + +And now think what must have been the feelings of the most +MERCIFUL OF MONARCHS, when he informed his prisoner that, in +consequence of King Padella's cruel and DASTARDLY BEHAVIOUR to +Rosalba, Prince Bulbo must instantly be executed! The noble +Giglio could not restrain his tears, nor could the Grenadiers, +nor the officers, nor could Bulbo himself, when the matter was +explained to him, and he was brought to understand that His +Majesty's promise, of course, was ABOVE EVERY THING, and Bulbo +must submit. So poor Bulbo was led out, Hedzoff trying to +console him, by pointing out that if he had won the battle of +Bombardaro, he might have hanged Prince Giglio. 'Yes! But that +is no comfort to me now!' said poor Bulbo; nor indeed was it, +poor fellow! + +He was told the business would be done the next morning at +eight, and was taken back to his dungeon, where every attention +was paid to him. The gaoler's wife sent him tea, and the +turnkey's daughter begged him to write his name in her album, +where a many gentlemen had written it on like occasions! +'Bother your album!' says Bulbo. The Undertaker came and +measured him for the handsomest coffin which money could buy +--even this didn't console Bulbo. The Cook brought him dishes +which he once used to like; but he wouldn't touch them: he sat +down and began writing an adieu to Angelica, as the clock kept +always ticking, and the hands drawing nearer to next morning. +The Barber came in at night, and offered to shave him for the +next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and went on writing a +few words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept always +ticking, and the hands hopping nearer and nearer to next +morning. He got up on the top of a hatbox, on the top of a +chair, on the top of his bed, on the top of his table, and +looked out to see whether he might escape as the clock kept +always ticking and the hands drawing nearer, and nearer, and +nearer. + +But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping +another: and the town clock struck seven. So he got into bed +for a little sleep, but the gaoler came and woke him, and said, +'Git up, your Royal Ighness, if you please, it's TEN MINUTES TO +EIGHT!' + +So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his clothes (the +lazy boy), and he shook himself, and said he didn't mind about +dressing, or having any breakfast, thank you; and he saw the +soldiers who had come for him. 'Lead on!' he said; and they +led the way, deeply affected; and they came into the courtyard, +and out into the square, and there was King Giglio come to take +leave of him, and His Majesty most kindly shook hands with him, +and the 'Take off that marched on:--when hark! + +Haw--wurraw--wurraw--aworr! + +A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding +into the town, frightening away the boys, and even the beadle +and policeman, but ROSALBA! + +The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court +of Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, +the lions made a dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six +beef-eaters in a jiffy, and away they went with Rosalba on the +back of one of them, and they carried her, turn and turn about, +till they came to the city where Prince Giglio's army was +encamped. + +When the KING heard of the QUEEN'S arrival, you may think how +he rushed out of his breakfast-room to hand Her Majesty off her +lion! The lions were grown as fat as pigs now, having had +Hogginarmo and all those beefeaters, and were so tame, anybody +might pat them. + +While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped the Princess, +Bulbo, for his part, rushed up and kissed the lion. He flung +his arms round the forest monarch; he hugged him, and laughed +and cried for joy. 'Oh, you darling old beast, oh, how glad I +am to see you, and the dear, dear Bets--that is, Rosalba.' + +'What, is it you? poor Bulbo!' said the Queen.' Oh, how glad I +am to see you,' and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio +slapped him most kindly on the back, and said, 'Bulbo, my boy, +I am delighted, for your sake, that Her Majesty has arrived.' + +'So am I,' said Bulbo; 'and YOU KNOW WHY.' Captain Hedzoff +here came up. 'Sire, it is half-past eight: shall we proceed +with the execution? ' + +'Execution! what for?' asked Bulbo. + +'An officer only knows his orders,' replied Captain Hedzoff, +showing his warrant, on which His Majesty King Giglio smilingly +said, 'Prince Bulbo was reprieved this time,' and most +graciously invited him to breakfast. + + + +XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT + +As soon as King Padella heard, what we know already, that his +victim, the lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, His Majesty's fury +knew no bounds, and he pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord +Chamberlain, and every officer of the Crown whom he could set +eyes on, into the cauldron of boiling oil prepared for the +Princess. Then he ordered out his whole army, horse, foot, and +artillery; and set forth at the head of an innumerable host, +and I should think twenty thousand drummers, trumpeters, and +fifers. + +King Giglio's advance guard, you may be sure, kept that monarch +acquainted with the enemy's dealings, and he was in nowise +disconcerted. He was much too polite to alarm the Princess, +his lovely guest, with any unnecessary rumours of battles +impending; on the contrary, he did everything to amuse and +divert her; gave her a most elegant breakfast, dinner, lunch, +and got up a ball for her that evening, when he danced with her +every single dance. + +Poor Bulbo was taken into favour again, and allowed to go quite +free now. He had new clothes given him, was called 'My good +cousin' by His Majesty, and was treated with the greatest +distinction by everybody. But it was easy to see he was very +melancholy. The fact is, the sight of Betsinda, who looked +perfectly lovely in an elegant new dress, set poor Bulbo +frantic in love with her again. And he never thought about +Angelica, now Princess Bulbo, whom he had left at home, and +who, as we know, did not care much about him. + +The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosalba, remarked +with wonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba told him how +she had got it from Gruffanuff, who no doubt had picked it up +when Angelica flung it away. + +'Yes,' says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young +people, and who had very likely certain plans regarding them. +'That ring I gave the Queen, Giglio's mother, who was not, +saving your presence, a very wise woman; it is enchanted, and +whoever wears it looks beautiful in the eyes of the world, I +made poor Prince Bulbo, when he was christened, the present of +a rose which made him look handsome while he had it; but he +gave it to Angelica, who instantly looked beautiful again, +whilst Bulbo relapsed into his natural plainness.' + +'Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure,' says Giglio, with a low +bow. 'She is beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any +enchanted aid.' + +'Oh, sir!' said Rosalba. + +'Take off the ring and try,' said the King, and resolutely drew +the ring off her finger. In HIS eyes she looked just as +handsome as before! + +The King was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so +dangerous and made all the people so mad about Rosalba; but +being a Prince of great humour, and good humour too, he cast +eyes upon a poor youth who happened to be looking on very +disconsolately, and said-- + +'Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring. The Princess +Rosalba makes it a present to you.' + +The magic properties of this ring were uncommonly strong, for +no sooner had Bulbo put it on, but lo and behold, he appeared a +personable, agreeable young Prince enough--with a fine +complexion, fair hair, rather stout, and with bandy legs; but +these were encased in such a beautiful pair of yellow morocco +boots that nobody remarked them. And Bulbo's spirits rose up +almost immediately after he had looked in the glass, and he +talked to their Majesties in the most lively, agreeable manner, +and danced opposite the Queen with one of the prettiest maids +of honour, and after looking at Her Majesty, could not help +saying-- + +'How very odd! she is very pretty, but not so EXTRAORDINARILY +handsome.' + +'Oh no, by no means!' says the Maid of Honour. + +'But what care I, dear sir,' says the Queen, who overheard +them, 'if YOU think I am good-looking enough?' + +His Majesty's glance in reply to this affectionate speech was +such that no painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick +said, 'Bless you, my darling children! Now you are united and +happy; and now you see what I said from the first, that a +little misfortune has done you both good. YOU, Giglio, had you +been bred in prosperity, would scarcely have learned to read or +write--you would have been idle and extravagant, and could not +have been a good King as now you will be. You, Rosalba, would +have been so flattered, that your little head might have been +turned like Angelica's, who thought herself too good for +Giglio.' + +'As if anybody could be good enough for HIM,' cried Rosalba. + +'Oh, you, you darling!' says Giglio. And so she was; and he +was just holding out his arms in order to give her a hug before +the whole company, when a messenger came rushing in, and said, +'My Lord, the enemy!' + +'To arms!' cries Giglio. + +'Oh, mercy!' says Rosalba, and fainted of course. + +He snatched one kiss from her lips, and rushed FORTH TO THE +FIELD of battle! + +The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armour, which +was not only embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to +your eyes to look at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and +sword-proof; so that in the midst of the very hottest battles +His Majesty rode about as calmly as if he had been a British +Grenadier at Alma. Were I engaged in fighting for my country, +_I_ should like such a suit of armour as Prince Giglio wore; +but, you know, he was a Prince of a fairy tale, and they always +have these wonderful things. + +Besides the fairy armour, the Prince had a fairy horse, which +would gallop at any pace you pleased; and a fairy sword, which +would lengthen and run through a whole regiment of enemies at +once. With such a weapon at command, I wonder, for my part, he +thought of ordering his army out; but forth they all came, in +magnificent new uniforms, Hedzoff and the Prince's two college +friends each commanding a division, and His Majesty prancing in +person at the head of them all. + +Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear +friends, would I not now entertain you with the account of a +most tremendous shindy? Should not fine blows be struck? +dreadful wounds be delivered? arrows darken the air? cannon +balls crash through the battalions? cavalry charge infantry? +infantry pitch into cavalry? bugles blow; drums beat; horses +neigh; fifes sing; soldiers roar, swear, hurray; officers shout +out 'Forward, my men!' 'This way, lads!' 'Give it 'em, boys!' +'Fight for King Giglio, and the cause of right!' 'King Padella +for ever!' Would I not describe all this, I say, and in the +very finest language too? But this humble pen does not possess +the skill necessary for the description of combats. In a word, +the overthrow of King Padella's army was so complete, that if +they had been Russians you could not have wished them to be +more utterly smashed and confounded. + +As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of velour +much more considerable than could be expected of a royal +ruffian and usurper, who had such a bad cause, and who was so +cruel to women,--as for King Padella, I say, when his army ran +away, the King ran away too, kicking his first general, Prince +Punchikoff, from his saddle, and galloping away on the Prince's +horse, having, indeed, had twenty-five or twenty-six of his own +shot under him. Hedzoff coming up, and finding Punchikoff +down, as you may imagine, very speedily disposed of HIM. +Meanwhile King Padella was scampering off as hard as his horse +could lay legs to ground. Fast as he scampered, I promise you +somebody else galloped faster; and that individual, as no doubt +you are aware, was the Royal Giglio, who kept bawling out, +'Stay, traitor! Turn, miscreant, and defend thyself! Stand, +tyrant, coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cut thy ugly head +from thy usurping shoulders!' And, with his fairy sword, which +elongated itself at will, His Majesty kept poking and prodding +Padella in the back, until that wicked monarch roared with +anguish. + +When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt +Prince Giglio a prodigious crack over the sconce with his +battle-axe, a most enormous weapon, which had cut down I don't +know how many regiments in the course of the afternoon. But, +Law bless you! though the blow fell right down on His Majesty's +helmet, it made no more impression than if Padella had struck +him with a pat of butter: his battle-axe crumpled up in +Padella's hand, and the Royal Giglio laughed for very scorn at +the impotent efforts of that atrocious usurper. + +At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar monarch was +justly irritated. 'If,' says he to Giglio, 'you ride a fairy +horse, and wear fairy armour, what on earth is the use of my +hitting you? I may as well give myself up a prisoner at once. +Your Majesty won't, I suppose, be so mean as to strike a poor +fellow who can't strike again?' + +The justice of Padella's remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. +'Do you yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?' says he. + +'Of course I do,' says Padella. + +'Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful Queen, and give up +the crown and all your treasures to your rightful mistress?' + +'If I must, I must,' says Padella, who was naturally very +sulky. + +By this time King Giglio's aides-de-camp had come up, whom His +Majesty ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands +behind him, and bound his legs tight under his horse, having +set him with his face to the tail; and in this fashion he was +led back to King Giglio's quarters, and thrust into the very +dungeon where young Bulbo had been confined. + +Padella (who was a very different person in the depth of his +distress, to Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar +crown), now most affectionately and earnestly asked to see his +son--his dear eldest boy--his darling Bulbo; and that +good-natured young man never once reproached his haughty parent +for his unkind conduct the day before, when he would have left +Bulbo to be shot without any pity, but came to see his father, +and spoke to him through the grating of the door, beyond which +he was not allowed to go; and brought him some sandwiches from +the grand supper which His Majesty was giving above stairs, in +honour of the brilliant victory which had just been achieved. + +'I cannot stay with you long, sir,' says Bulbo, who was in his +best ball dress, as he handed his father in the prog, 'I am +engaged to dance the next quadrille with Her Majesty Queen +Rosalba, and I hear the fiddles playing at this very moment.' + +So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the wretched Padella +ate his solitary supper in silence and tears. + +All was now joy in King Giglio's circle. Dancing, feasting, +fun, illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. +The people through whose villages they passed were ordered to +illuminate their cottages at night, and scatter flowers on the +roads during the day. They were requested, and I promise you +they did not like to refuse, to serve the troops liberally with +eatables and wine; besides, the army was enriched by the +immense quantity of plunder which was found in King Padella's +camp, and taken from his soldiers; who (after they had given up +everything) were allowed to fraternise with the conquerors; and +the united forces marched back by easy stages towards King +Giglio's capital, his royal banner and that of Queen Rosalba +being carried in front of the troops. Hedzoff was made a Duke +and a FieldMarshal. Smith and Jones were promoted to be Earls; +the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and the Paflagonian +decoration of the Cucumber were freely distributed by their +Majesties to the army. Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian +Ribbon of the Cucumber across her riding-habit, whilst King +Giglio never appeared without the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. +How the people cheered them as they rode along side by side! +They were pronounced to be the handsomest couple ever seen: +that was a matter of course; but they really WERE very +handsome, and, had they been otherwise, would have looked so, +they were so happy! Their Majesties were never separated +during the whole day, but breakfasted, dined, and supped +together always, and rode side by side, interchanging elegant +compliments, and indulging in the most delightful conversation. +At night, Her Majesty's ladies of honour (who had all rallied +round her the day after King Padella's defeat) came and +conducted her to the apartments prepared for her; whilst King +Giglio, surrounded by his gentlemen, withdrew to his own Royal +quarters. It was agreed they should be married as soon as they +reached the capital, and orders were dispatched to the +Archbishop of Blombodinga, to hold himself in readiness to +perform the interesting ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carried the +message, and gave instructions to have the Royal Castle +splendidly refurnished and painted afresh. The Duke seized +Glumboso, the Ex-Prime Minister, and made him refund that +considerable sum of money which the old scoundrel had secreted +out of the late King's treasure. He also clapped Valoroso into +prison (who, by the way, had been dethroned for some +considerable period past), and when the Ex-Monarch weakly +remonstrated, Hedzoff said, 'A soldier, sir, knows but his +duty; my orders are to lock you up along with the Ex-King +Padella, whom I have brought hither a prisoner under guard.' +So these two Ex-Royal personages were sent for a year to the +House of Correction, and thereafter were obliged to become +monks of the severest Order of Flagellants, in which state, by +fasting, by vigils, by flogging (which they administered to one +another, humbly but resolutely), no doubt they exhibited a +repentance for their past misdeeds, usurpations, and private +and public crimes. + +As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never +had an opportunity to steal any more. + + + +XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL + +The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young King and Queen +had certainly won their respective crowns back, would come not +unfrequently, to pay them a little visit--as they were riding +in their triumphal progress towards Giglio's capital--change +her wand into a pony, and travel by their Majesties' side, +giving them the very best advice. I am not sure that King +Giglio did not think the Fairy and her advice rather a bore, +fancying it was his own velour and merits which had put him on +his throne, and conquered Padella: and, in fine, I fear he +rather gave himself airs towards his best friend and patroness. +She exhorted him to deal justly by his subjects, to draw mildly +on the taxes, never to break his promise when he had once given +it--and in all respects to be a good King. + +'A good King, my dear Fairy!' cries Rosalba. 'Of course he +will. Break his promise! can you fancy my Giglio would ever do +anything so improper, so unlike him? No! never!' And she +looked fondly towards Giglio, whom she thought a pattern of +perfection. + +'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how +to manage my government, and warning me to keep my word? Does +she suppose that I am not a man of sense, and a man of honour?' +asks Giglio testily. 'Methinks she rather presumes upon her +position.' + +'Hush! dear Giglio,' says Rosalba. 'You know Blackstick has +been very kind to us, and we must not offend her.' But the +Fairy was not listening to Giglio's testy observations, she had +fallen back, and was trotting on her pony now, by Master +Bulbo's side, who rode a donkey, and made himself generally +beloved in the army by his cheerfulness, kindness, and +good-humour to everybody. He was eager to see his darling +Angelica. He thought there never was such a charming being. +Blackstick did not tell him it was the possession of the magic +rose that made Angelica so lovely in his eyes. She brought him +the very best accounts of his little wife, whose misfortunes +and humiliations had indeed very greatly improved her; and, you +see, she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a +minute, and be back in no time, and so carry polite messages +from Bulbo to Angelica, and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort +that young man upon his journey. + +When the Royal party arrived at the last stage before you reach +Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there +with her lady of honour by her side, but the Princess Angelica! +She rushed into her husband's arms, scarcely stopping to make a +passing curtsey to the King and Queen. She had no eyes but for +Bulbo, who appeared perfectly lovely to her on account of the +fairy ring which he wore; whilst she herself, wearing the magic +rose in her bonnet, seemed entirely beautiful to the enraptured +Bulbo. + +A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal party, of which the +Archbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff, Countess Gruffanuff, +and all our friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated +on the left of King Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. +You could hear the joy-bells ringing in the capital, and the +guns which the citizens were firing off in honour of their +Majesties. + +'What can have induced that hideous old Gruffanuff to dress +herself up in such an absurd way? Did you ask her to be your +bridesmaid, my dear?' says Giglio to Rosalba. 'What a figure +of fun Gruffy is!' + +Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties, between the +Archbishop and the Lord Chancellor, and a figure of fun she +certainly was, for she was dressed in a low white silk dress, +with lace over, a wreath of white roses on her wig, a splendid +lace veil, and her yellow old neck was covered with diamonds. +She ogled the King in such a manner that His Majesty burst out +laughing. + +'Eleven o'clock!' cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell of +Blombodinga tolled that hour. 'Gentlemen and ladies, we must +be starting. Archbishop, you must be at church, I think, +before twelve?' + +'We must be at church before twelve,' sighs out Gruffanuff in a +languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan. + +'And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions,' cries +Giglio, with an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba. + +'Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!' exclaims Gruffanuff; 'and +can it be that this happy moment at length has arrived--' + +'Of course it has arrived,' says the King. + +'--and that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my +adored Giglio!' continues Gruffanuff. 'Lend me a +smelling-bottle, somebody. I certainly shall faint with joy.' + +'YOU my bride?' roars out Giglio. + +'YOU marry my Prince?' cried poor little Rosalba. + +'Pooh! Nonsense! The woman's mad!' exclaims the King. And all +the courtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions, +marks of surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder. + +'I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am +not?' shrieks out Gruffanuff. 'I should like to know if King +Giglio is a gentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice +in Paflagonia? Lord Chancellor! my Lord Archbishop! will your +Lordships sit by and see a poor, fond, confiding, tender +creature put upon? Has not Prince Giglio promised to marry his +Barbara? Is not this Giglio's signature? Does not this paper +declare that he is mine, and only mine?' And she handed to his +Grace the Archbishop the document which the Prince signed that +evening when she wore the magic ring, and Giglio drank so much +champagne. And the old Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses, +read-- "'This is to give notice, that I, Giglio, only son of +Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming +Barbara Griselda, Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late +Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq." + +'H'm,' says the Archbishop, 'the document is certainly a--a +document.' + +'Phoo!' says the Lord Chancellor, 'the signature is not in His +Majesty's handwriting.' Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, +Giglio had made an immense improvement in caligraphy. + +'Is it your handwriting, Giglio?' cries the Fairy Blackstick, +with an awful severity of countenance. + +'Y--y--y--es,' poor Giglio gasps out, 'I had quite forgotten +the confounded paper: she can't mean to hold me by it. You +old wretch, what will you take to let me off? Help the Queen, +some one--Her Majesty has fainted.' + + 'Chop her head off!'} exclaim the impetuous + 'Smother the old witch!' } Hedzoff, the ardent Smith, and +'Pitch her into the river!'} the faithful Jones. + +But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the Archbishop's neck, and +bellowed out, 'Justice, justice, my Lord Chancellor!' so +loudly, that her piercing shrieks caused everybody to pause. +As for Rosalba, she was borne away lifeless by her ladies; and +you may imagine the look of agony which Giglio cast towards +that lovely being, as his hope, his joy, his darling, his all +in all, was thus removed, and in her place the horrid old +Gruffanuff rushed up to his side, and once more shrieked out, +'Justice, justice!' + +'Won't you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid?' says +Giglio; 'two hundred and eighteen thousand millions, or +thereabouts. It's a handsome sum.' + +'I will have that and you too!' says Gruffanuff. + +'Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain,' gasps out +Giglio. + +'I will wear them by my Giglio's side!' says Gruffanuff. + +'Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths, nineteen-twentieths, +of my kingdom do, Countess?' asks the trembling monarch. + +'What were all Europe to me without YOU, my Giglio?' cries +Gruff, kissing his hand. + +'I won't, I can't, I shan't,--I'll resign the crown first,' +shouts Giglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff clung to it. + +'I have a competency, my love,' she says, 'and with thee and a +cottage thy Barbara will be happy.' + +Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. 'I will not marry +her,' says he. 'Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me counsel?' And as he +spoke he looked wildly round at the severe face of the Fairy +Blackstick. + +"'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to +keep my word? Does she suppose that I am not a man of +honour?"' said the Fairy, quoting Giglio's own haughty words. +He quailed under the brightness of her eyes; he felt that there +was no escape for him from that awful inquisition. + +'Well, Archbishop,' said he in a dreadful voice, that made his +Grace start, 'since this Fairy has led me to the height of +happiness but to dash me down into the depths of despair, since +I am to lose Rosalba, let me at least keep my honour. Get up, +Countess, and let us be married; I can keep my word, but I can +die afterwards.' + +'Oh, dear Giglio,' cries Gruffanuff, skipping up, 'I knew, I +knew I could trust thee--I knew that my Prince was the soul of +honour. Jump into your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and +let us go to church at once; and as for dying, dear Giglio, no, +no:--thou wilt forget that insignificant little chambermaid of +a Queen--thou wilt live to be consoled by thy Barbara! She +wishes to be a Queen, and not a Queen Dowager, my gracious +Lord!' And hanging upon poor Giglio's arm, and leering and +grinning in his face in the most disgusting manner, this old +wretch tripped off in her white satin shoes, and jumped into +the very carriage which had been got ready to convey Giglio and +Rosalba to church. The cannons roared again, the bells pealed +triple-bobmajors, the people came out flinging flowers upon the +path of the royal bride and bridegroom, and Gruff looked out of +the gilt coach window and bowed and grinned to them. Phoo! the +horrid old wretch! + + + +XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME + +The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess +Rosalba prodigious strength of mind, and that highly principled +young woman presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of +which Fairy Blackstick, by a precious essence which the Fairy +always carried in her pocket, awakened her. Instead of tearing +her hair, crying, and bemoaning herself, and fainting again, as +many young women would have done, Rosalba remembered that she +owed an example of firmness to her subjects; and though she +loved Giglio more than her life, was determined, as she told +the Fairy, not to interfere between him and justice, or to +cause him to break his royal word. + +'I cannot marry him, but I shall love him always,' says she to +Blackstick; 'I will go and be present at his marriage with the +Countess, and sign the book, and wish them happy with all my +heart. I will see, when I get home, whether I cannot make the +new Queen some handsome presents. The Crim Tartary crown +diamonds are uncommonly fine, and I shall never have any use +for them. I will live and die unmarried like Queen Elizabeth, +and, of course, I shall leave my crown to Giglio when I quit +this world. Let us go and see them married, my dear Fairy, let +me say one last farewell to him; and then, if you please, I +will return to my own dominions.' + +So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at +once changed her wand into a very comfortable coach-and-four, +with a steady coachman, and two respectable footmen behind, and +the Fairy and Rosalba got into the coach, which Angelica and +Bulbo entered after them. As for honest Bulbo, he was +blubbering in the most pathetic manner, quite overcome by +Rosalba's misfortune. She was touched by the honest fellow's +sympathy, promised to restore to him the confiscated estates of +Duke Padella his father, and created him, as he sat there in +the coach, Prince, Highness, and First Grandee of the Crim +Tartar Empire. The coach moved on, and, being a fairy coach, +soon came up with the bridal procession. + +Before the ceremony at church it was the custom in Paflagonia, +as it is in other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to +sign the Contract of Marriage, which was to be witnessed by +the Chancellor, Minister, Lord Mayor, and principal officers of +state. Now, as the royal palace was being painted and +furnished anew, it was not ready for the reception of the King +and his bride, who proposed at first to take up their residence +at the Prince's palace, that one which Valoroso occupied when +Angelica was born, and before he usurped the throne. + +So the marriage party drove up to the palace: the dignitaries +got out of their carriages and stood aside: poor Rosalba +stepped out of her coach, supported by Bulbo, and stood almost +fainting up against the railings so as to have a last look of +her dear Giglio. As for Blackstick, she, according to her +custom, had flown out of the coach window in some inscrutable +manner, and was now standing at the palace door. + +Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride on his arm, +looking as pale as if he was going to execution. He only +frowned at the Fairy Blackstick--he was angry with her, and +thought she came to insult his misery. + +'Get out of the way, pray,' says Gruffanuff haughtily. 'I +wonder why you are always poking your nose into other people's +affairs?' + +'Are you determined to make this poor young man unhappy?' says +Blackstick. + +'To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours? Pray, +madam, don't say "you" to a Queen,' cries Gruffanuff. + +'You won't take the money he offered you?' + +'No.' + +'You won't let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated +him when you made him sign the paper?' + +'Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!' cries Gruffanuff. +And the policemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her +wand the Fairy struck them all like so many statues in their +places. + +'You won't take anything in exchange for your bond, Mrs. +Gruffanuff,' cries the Fairy, with awful severity. 'I speak +for the last time.' + +'No!' shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. 'I'll have +my husband, my husband, my husband!' + +'YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!' the Fairy Blackstick cried; and +advancing a step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER. + +As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open +mouth opened still wider, and uttered a roar which made +everybody start. The eyes rolled wildly; the arms and legs +uncurled themselves, writhed about, and seemed to lengthen +with each twist; the knocker expanded into a figure in yellow +livery, six feet high; the screws by which it was fixed to the +door unloosed themselves, and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once more trod +the threshold off which he had been lifted more than twenty +years ago! + +'Master's not at home,' says Jenkins, just in his old voice; +and Mrs. Jenkins, giving a dreadful YOUP, fell down in a fit, +in which nobody minded her. + +For everybody was shouting, 'Huzzay! huzzay!' 'Hip, hip, +hurray!' 'Long live the King and Queen!' 'Were such things ever +seen?' 'No, never, never, never!' 'The Fairy Blackstick for +ever!' + +The bells were ringing double peals, the guns roaring and +banging most prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing everybody; the +Lord Chancellor was flinging up his wig and shouting like a +madman; Hedzoff had got the Archbishop round the waist, and +they were dancing a jig for joy; and as for Giglio, I leave you +to imagine what HE was doing, and if he kissed Rosalba once, +twice--twenty thousand times, I'm sure I don't think he was +wrong. + +So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he +had been accustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the +book, and then they went to church and were married, and the +Fairy Blackstick sailed away on her cane, and was never more +heard of in Paflagonia. + +and here ends the Fireside Pantomime. + + + + + +End Project Gutenberg Etext of The Rose and the Ring + diff --git a/old/rsrng10.zip b/old/rsrng10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7bb2e4f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/rsrng10.zip |