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diff --git a/old/882.txt b/old/882.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a1fa71e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/882.txt @@ -0,0 +1,27083 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Sketches by Boz, by Charles Dickens + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Sketches by Boz + illustrative of everyday life and every-day people + + +Author: Charles Dickens + + + +Release Date: December 6, 2009 [eBook #882] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES BY BOZ*** + + +Transcribed from the 1903 Chapman and Hall edition by David Price, email +ccx074@pglaf.org + + + + + + SKETCHES BY BOZ + + + Illustrative of Every-Day Life + and Every-Day People + + * * * * * + + By CHARLES DICKENS + + * * * * * + + _With Illustrations by George Cruickshank and Phiz_ + + * * * * * + + LONDON: CHAPMAN & HALL, LD. + NEW YORK: CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS + 1903 + + + + +PREFACE + + +The whole of these Sketches were written and published, one by one, when +I was a very young man. They were collected and republished while I was +still a very young man; and sent into the world with all their +imperfections (a good many) on their heads. + +They comprise my first attempts at authorship--with the exception of +certain tragedies achieved at the mature age of eight or ten, and +represented with great applause to overflowing nurseries. I am conscious +of their often being extremely crude and ill-considered, and bearing +obvious marks of haste and inexperience; particularly in that section of +the present volume which is comprised under the general head of Tales. + +But as this collection is not originated now, and was very leniently and +favourably received when it was first made, I have not felt it right +either to remodel or expunge, beyond a few words and phrases here and +there. + + + + +OUR PARISH + + +CHAPTER I--THE BEADLE. THE PARISH ENGINE. THE SCHOOLMASTER + + +How much is conveyed in those two short words--'The Parish!' And with +how many tales of distress and misery, of broken fortune and ruined +hopes, too often of unrelieved wretchedness and successful knavery, are +they associated! A poor man, with small earnings, and a large family, +just manages to live on from hand to mouth, and to procure food from day +to day; he has barely sufficient to satisfy the present cravings of +nature, and can take no heed of the future. His taxes are in arrear, +quarter-day passes by, another quarter-day arrives: he can procure no +more quarter for himself, and is summoned by--the parish. His goods are +distrained, his children are crying with cold and hunger, and the very +bed on which his sick wife is lying, is dragged from beneath her. What +can he do? To whom is he to apply for relief? To private charity? To +benevolent individuals? Certainly not--there is his parish. There are +the parish vestry, the parish infirmary, the parish surgeon, the parish +officers, the parish beadle. Excellent institutions, and gentle, +kind-hearted men. The woman dies--she is buried by the parish. The +children have no protector--they are taken care of by the parish. The +man first neglects, and afterwards cannot obtain, work--he is relieved by +the parish; and when distress and drunkenness have done their work upon +him, he is maintained, a harmless babbling idiot, in the parish asylum. + +The parish beadle is one of the most, perhaps _the_ most, important +member of the local administration. He is not so well off as the +churchwardens, certainly, nor is he so learned as the vestry-clerk, nor +does he order things quite so much his own way as either of them. But +his power is very great, notwithstanding; and the dignity of his office +is never impaired by the absence of efforts on his part to maintain it. +The beadle of our parish is a splendid fellow. It is quite delightful to +hear him, as he explains the state of the existing poor laws to the deaf +old women in the board-room passage on business nights; and to hear what +he said to the senior churchwarden, and what the senior churchwarden said +to him; and what 'we' (the beadle and the other gentlemen) came to the +determination of doing. A miserable-looking woman is called into the +boardroom, and represents a case of extreme destitution, affecting +herself--a widow, with six small children. 'Where do you live?' inquires +one of the overseers. 'I rents a two-pair back, gentlemen, at Mrs. +Brown's, Number 3, Little King William's-alley, which has lived there +this fifteen year, and knows me to be very hard-working and industrious, +and when my poor husband was alive, gentlemen, as died in the +hospital'--'Well, well,' interrupts the overseer, taking a note of the +address, 'I'll send Simmons, the beadle, to-morrow morning, to ascertain +whether your story is correct; and if so, I suppose you must have an +order into the House--Simmons, go to this woman's the first thing +to-morrow morning, will you?' Simmons bows assent, and ushers the woman +out. Her previous admiration of 'the board' (who all sit behind great +books, and with their hats on) fades into nothing before her respect for +her lace-trimmed conductor; and her account of what has passed inside, +increases--if that be possible--the marks of respect, shown by the +assembled crowd, to that solemn functionary. As to taking out a summons, +it's quite a hopeless case if Simmons attends it, on behalf of the +parish. He knows all the titles of the Lord Mayor by heart; states the +case without a single stammer: and it is even reported that on one +occasion he ventured to make a joke, which the Lord Mayor's head footman +(who happened to be present) afterwards told an intimate friend, +confidentially, was almost equal to one of Mr. Hobler's. + +See him again on Sunday in his state-coat and cocked-hat, with a +large-headed staff for show in his left hand, and a small cane for use in +his right. How pompously he marshals the children into their places! and +how demurely the little urchins look at him askance as he surveys them +when they are all seated, with a glare of the eye peculiar to beadles! +The churchwardens and overseers being duly installed in their curtained +pews, he seats himself on a mahogany bracket, erected expressly for him +at the top of the aisle, and divides his attention between his +prayer-book and the boys. Suddenly, just at the commencement of the +communion service, when the whole congregation is hushed into a profound +silence, broken only by the voice of the officiating clergyman, a penny +is heard to ring on the stone floor of the aisle with astounding +clearness. Observe the generalship of the beadle. His involuntary look +of horror is instantly changed into one of perfect indifference, as if he +were the only person present who had not heard the noise. The artifice +succeeds. After putting forth his right leg now and then, as a feeler, +the victim who dropped the money ventures to make one or two distinct +dives after it; and the beadle, gliding softly round, salutes his little +round head, when it again appears above the seat, with divers double +knocks, administered with the cane before noticed, to the intense delight +of three young men in an adjacent pew, who cough violently at intervals +until the conclusion of the sermon. + +Such are a few traits of the importance and gravity of a parish beadle--a +gravity which has never been disturbed in any case that has come under +our observation, except when the services of that particularly useful +machine, a parish fire-engine, are required: then indeed all is bustle. +Two little boys run to the beadle as fast as their legs will carry them, +and report from their own personal observation that some neighbouring +chimney is on fire; the engine is hastily got out, and a plentiful supply +of boys being obtained, and harnessed to it with ropes, away they rattle +over the pavement, the beadle, running--we do not exaggerate--running at +the side, until they arrive at some house, smelling strongly of soot, at +the door of which the beadle knocks with considerable gravity for +half-an-hour. No attention being paid to these manual applications, and +the turn-cock having turned on the water, the engine turns off amidst the +shouts of the boys; it pulls up once more at the work-house, and the +beadle 'pulls up' the unfortunate householder next day, for the amount of +his legal reward. We never saw a parish engine at a regular fire but +once. It came up in gallant style--three miles and a half an hour, at +least; there was a capital supply of water, and it was first on the spot. +Bang went the pumps--the people cheered--the beadle perspired profusely; +but it was unfortunately discovered, just as they were going to put the +fire out, that nobody understood the process by which the engine was +filled with water; and that eighteen boys, and a man, had exhausted +themselves in pumping for twenty minutes, without producing the slightest +effect! + +The personages next in importance to the beadle, are the master of the +workhouse and the parish schoolmaster. The vestry-clerk, as everybody +knows, is a short, pudgy little man, in black, with a thick gold +watch-chain of considerable length, terminating in two large seals and a +key. He is an attorney, and generally in a bustle; at no time more so, +than when he is hurrying to some parochial meeting, with his gloves +crumpled up in one hand, and a large red book under the other arm. As to +the churchwardens and overseers, we exclude them altogether, because all +we know of them is, that they are usually respectable tradesmen, who wear +hats with brims inclined to flatness, and who occasionally testify in +gilt letters on a blue ground, in some conspicuous part of the church, to +the important fact of a gallery having being enlarged and beautified, or +an organ rebuilt. + +The master of the workhouse is not, in our parish--nor is he usually in +any other--one of that class of men the better part of whose existence +has passed away, and who drag out the remainder in some inferior +situation, with just enough thought of the past, to feel degraded by, and +discontented with the present. We are unable to guess precisely to our +own satisfaction what station the man can have occupied before; we should +think he had been an inferior sort of attorney's clerk, or else the +master of a national school--whatever he was, it is clear his present +position is a change for the better. His income is small certainly, as +the rusty black coat and threadbare velvet collar demonstrate: but then +he lives free of house-rent, has a limited allowance of coals and +candles, and an almost unlimited allowance of authority in his petty +kingdom. He is a tall, thin, bony man; always wears shoes and black +cotton stockings with his surtout; and eyes you, as you pass his +parlour-window, as if he wished you were a pauper, just to give you a +specimen of his power. He is an admirable specimen of a small tyrant: +morose, brutish, and ill-tempered; bullying to his inferiors, cringing to +his superiors, and jealous of the influence and authority of the beadle. + +Our schoolmaster is just the very reverse of this amiable official. He +has been one of those men one occasionally hears of, on whom misfortune +seems to have set her mark; nothing he ever did, or was concerned in, +appears to have prospered. A rich old relation who had brought him up, +and openly announced his intention of providing for him, left him +10,000_l._ in his will, and revoked the bequest in a codicil. Thus +unexpectedly reduced to the necessity of providing for himself, he +procured a situation in a public office. The young clerks below him, +died off as if there were a plague among them; but the old fellows over +his head, for the reversion of whose places he was anxiously waiting, +lived on and on, as if they were immortal. He speculated and lost. He +speculated again and won--but never got his money. His talents were +great; his disposition, easy, generous and liberal. His friends profited +by the one, and abused the other. Loss succeeded loss; misfortune +crowded on misfortune; each successive day brought him nearer the verge +of hopeless penury, and the quondam friends who had been warmest in their +professions, grew strangely cold and indifferent. He had children whom +he loved, and a wife on whom he doted. The former turned their backs on +him; the latter died broken-hearted. He went with the stream--it had +ever been his failing, and he had not courage sufficient to bear up +against so many shocks--he had never cared for himself, and the only +being who had cared for him, in his poverty and distress, was spared to +him no longer. It was at this period that he applied for parochial +relief. Some kind-hearted man who had known him in happier times, +chanced to be churchwarden that year, and through his interest he was +appointed to his present situation. + +He is an old man now. Of the many who once crowded round him in all the +hollow friendship of boon-companionship, some have died, some have fallen +like himself, some have prospered--all have forgotten him. Time and +misfortune have mercifully been permitted to impair his memory, and use +has habituated him to his present condition. Meek, uncomplaining, and +zealous in the discharge of his duties, he has been allowed to hold his +situation long beyond the usual period; and he will no doubt continue to +hold it, until infirmity renders him incapable, or death releases him. +As the grey-headed old man feebly paces up and down the sunny side of the +little court-yard between school hours, it would be difficult, indeed, +for the most intimate of his former friends to recognise their once gay +and happy associate, in the person of the Pauper Schoolmaster. + + + +CHAPTER II--THE CURATE. THE OLD LADY. THE HALF-PAY CAPTAIN + + +We commenced our last chapter with the beadle of our parish, because we +are deeply sensible of the importance and dignity of his office. We will +begin the present, with the clergyman. Our curate is a young gentleman +of such prepossessing appearance, and fascinating manners, that within +one month after his first appearance in the parish, half the young-lady +inhabitants were melancholy with religion, and the other half, desponding +with love. Never were so many young ladies seen in our parish church on +Sunday before; and never had the little round angels' faces on Mr. +Tomkins's monument in the side aisle, beheld such devotion on earth as +they all exhibited. He was about five-and-twenty when he first came to +astonish the parishioners. He parted his hair on the centre of his +forehead in the form of a Norman arch, wore a brilliant of the first +water on the fourth finger of his left hand (which he always applied to +his left cheek when he read prayers), and had a deep sepulchral voice of +unusual solemnity. Innumerable were the calls made by prudent mammas on +our new curate, and innumerable the invitations with which he was +assailed, and which, to do him justice, he readily accepted. If his +manner in the pulpit had created an impression in his favour, the +sensation was increased tenfold, by his appearance in private circles. +Pews in the immediate vicinity of the pulpit or reading-desk rose in +value; sittings in the centre aisle were at a premium: an inch of room in +the front row of the gallery could not be procured for love or money; and +some people even went so far as to assert, that the three Miss Browns, +who had an obscure family pew just behind the churchwardens', were +detected, one Sunday, in the free seats by the communion-table, actually +lying in wait for the curate as he passed to the vestry! He began to +preach extempore sermons, and even grave papas caught the infection. He +got out of bed at half-past twelve o'clock one winter's night, to +half-baptise a washerwoman's child in a slop-basin, and the gratitude of +the parishioners knew no bounds--the very churchwardens grew generous, +and insisted on the parish defraying the expense of the watch-box on +wheels, which the new curate had ordered for himself, to perform the +funeral service in, in wet weather. He sent three pints of gruel and a +quarter of a pound of tea to a poor woman who had been brought to bed of +four small children, all at once--the parish were charmed. He got up a +subscription for her--the woman's fortune was made. He spoke for one +hour and twenty-five minutes, at an anti-slavery meeting at the Goat and +Boots--the enthusiasm was at its height. A proposal was set on foot for +presenting the curate with a piece of plate, as a mark of esteem for his +valuable services rendered to the parish. The list of subscriptions was +filled up in no time; the contest was, not who should escape the +contribution, but who should be the foremost to subscribe. A splendid +silver inkstand was made, and engraved with an appropriate inscription; +the curate was invited to a public breakfast, at the before-mentioned +Goat and Boots; the inkstand was presented in a neat speech by Mr. +Gubbins, the ex-churchwarden, and acknowledged by the curate in terms +which drew tears into the eyes of all present--the very waiters were +melted. + +One would have supposed that, by this time, the theme of universal +admiration was lifted to the very pinnacle of popularity. No such thing. +The curate began to cough; four fits of coughing one morning between the +Litany and the Epistle, and five in the afternoon service. Here was a +discovery--the curate was consumptive. How interestingly melancholy! If +the young ladies were energetic before, their sympathy and solicitude now +knew no bounds. Such a man as the curate--such a dear--such a perfect +love--to be consumptive! It was too much. Anonymous presents of +black-currant jam, and lozenges, elastic waistcoats, bosom friends, and +warm stockings, poured in upon the curate until he was as completely +fitted out with winter clothing, as if he were on the verge of an +expedition to the North Pole: verbal bulletins of the state of his health +were circulated throughout the parish half-a-dozen times a day; and the +curate was in the very zenith of his popularity. + +About this period, a change came over the spirit of the parish. A very +quiet, respectable, dozing old gentleman, who had officiated in our +chapel-of-ease for twelve years previously, died one fine morning, +without having given any notice whatever of his intention. This +circumstance gave rise to counter-sensation the first; and the arrival of +his successor occasioned counter-sensation the second. He was a pale, +thin, cadaverous man, with large black eyes, and long straggling black +hair: his dress was slovenly in the extreme, his manner ungainly, his +doctrines startling; in short, he was in every respect the antipodes of +the curate. Crowds of our female parishioners flocked to hear him; at +first, because he was _so_ odd-looking, then because his face was _so_ +expressive, then because he preached _so_ well; and at last, because they +really thought that, after all, there was something about him which it +was quite impossible to describe. As to the curate, he was all very +well; but certainly, after all, there was no denying that--that--in +short, the curate wasn't a novelty, and the other clergyman was. The +inconstancy of public opinion is proverbial: the congregation migrated +one by one. The curate coughed till he was black in the face--it was in +vain. He respired with difficulty--it was equally ineffectual in +awakening sympathy. Seats are once again to be had in any part of our +parish church, and the chapel-of-ease is going to be enlarged, as it is +crowded to suffocation every Sunday! + +The best known and most respected among our parishioners, is an old lady, +who resided in our parish long before our name was registered in the list +of baptisms. Our parish is a suburban one, and the old lady lives in a +neat row of houses in the most airy and pleasant part of it. The house +is her own; and it, and everything about it, except the old lady herself, +who looks a little older than she did ten years ago, is in just the same +state as when the old gentleman was living. The little front parlour, +which is the old lady's ordinary sitting-room, is a perfect picture of +quiet neatness; the carpet is covered with brown Holland, the glass and +picture-frames are carefully enveloped in yellow muslin; the table-covers +are never taken off, except when the leaves are turpentined and +bees'-waxed, an operation which is regularly commenced every other +morning at half-past nine o'clock--and the little nicknacks are always +arranged in precisely the same manner. The greater part of these are +presents from little girls whose parents live in the same row; but some +of them, such as the two old-fashioned watches (which never keep the same +time, one being always a quarter of an hour too slow, and the other a +quarter of an hour too fast), the little picture of the Princess +Charlotte and Prince Leopold as they appeared in the Royal Box at Drury +Lane Theatre, and others of the same class, have been in the old lady's +possession for many years. Here the old lady sits with her spectacles +on, busily engaged in needlework--near the window in summer time; and if +she sees you coming up the steps, and you happen to be a favourite, she +trots out to open the street-door for you before you knock, and as you +must be fatigued after that hot walk, insists on your swallowing two +glasses of sherry before you exert yourself by talking. If you call in +the evening you will find her cheerful, but rather more serious than +usual, with an open Bible on the table, before her, of which 'Sarah,' who +is just as neat and methodical as her mistress, regularly reads two or +three chapters in the parlour aloud. + +The old lady sees scarcely any company, except the little girls before +noticed, each of whom has always a regular fixed day for a periodical +tea-drinking with her, to which the child looks forward as the greatest +treat of its existence. She seldom visits at a greater distance than the +next door but one on either side; and when she drinks tea here, Sarah +runs out first and knocks a double-knock, to prevent the possibility of +her 'Missis's' catching cold by having to wait at the door. She is very +scrupulous in returning these little invitations, and when she asks Mr. +and Mrs. So-and-so, to meet Mr. and Mrs. Somebody-else, Sarah and she +dust the urn, and the best china tea-service, and the Pope Joan board; +and the visitors are received in the drawing-room in great state. She +has but few relations, and they are scattered about in different parts of +the country, and she seldom sees them. She has a son in India, whom she +always describes to you as a fine, handsome fellow--so like the profile +of his poor dear father over the sideboard, but the old lady adds, with a +mournful shake of the head, that he has always been one of her greatest +trials; and that indeed he once almost broke her heart; but it pleased +God to enable her to get the better of it, and she would prefer your +never mentioning the subject to her again. She has a great number of +pensioners: and on Saturday, after she comes back from market, there is a +regular levee of old men and women in the passage, waiting for their +weekly gratuity. Her name always heads the list of any benevolent +subscriptions, and hers are always the most liberal donations to the +Winter Coal and Soup Distribution Society. She subscribed twenty pounds +towards the erection of an organ in our parish church, and was so +overcome the first Sunday the children sang to it, that she was obliged +to be carried out by the pew-opener. Her entrance into church on Sunday +is always the signal for a little bustle in the side aisle, occasioned by +a general rise among the poor people, who bow and curtsey until the +pew-opener has ushered the old lady into her accustomed seat, dropped a +respectful curtsey, and shut the door: and the same ceremony is repeated +on her leaving church, when she walks home with the family next door but +one, and talks about the sermon all the way, invariably opening the +conversation by asking the youngest boy where the text was. + +Thus, with the annual variation of a trip to some quiet place on the +sea-coast, passes the old lady's life. It has rolled on in the same +unvarying and benevolent course for many years now, and must at no +distant period be brought to its final close. She looks forward to its +termination, with calmness and without apprehension. She has everything +to hope and nothing to fear. + +A very different personage, but one who has rendered himself very +conspicuous in our parish, is one of the old lady's next-door neighbours. +He is an old naval officer on half-pay, and his bluff and unceremonious +behaviour disturbs the old lady's domestic economy, not a little. In the +first place, he _will_ smoke cigars in the front court, and when he wants +something to drink with them--which is by no means an uncommon +circumstance--he lifts up the old lady's knocker with his walking-stick, +and demands to have a glass of table ale, handed over the rails. In +addition to this cool proceeding, he is a bit of a Jack of all trades, or +to use his own words, 'a regular Robinson Crusoe;' and nothing delights +him better than to experimentalise on the old lady's property. One +morning he got up early, and planted three or four roots of full-grown +marigolds in every bed of her front garden, to the inconceivable +astonishment of the old lady, who actually thought when she got up and +looked out of the window, that it was some strange eruption which had +come out in the night. Another time he took to pieces the eight-day +clock on the front landing, under pretence of cleaning the works, which +he put together again, by some undiscovered process, in so wonderful a +manner, that the large hand has done nothing but trip up the little one +ever since. Then he took to breeding silk-worms, which he _would_ bring +in two or three times a day, in little paper boxes, to show the old lady, +generally dropping a worm or two at every visit. The consequence was, +that one morning a very stout silk-worm was discovered in the act of +walking up-stairs--probably with the view of inquiring after his friends, +for, on further inspection, it appeared that some of his companions had +already found their way to every room in the house. The old lady went to +the seaside in despair, and during her absence he completely effaced the +name from her brass door-plate, in his attempts to polish it with +aqua-fortis. + +But all this is nothing to his seditious conduct in public life. He +attends every vestry meeting that is held; always opposes the constituted +authorities of the parish, denounces the profligacy of the churchwardens, +contests legal points against the vestry-clerk, will make the +tax-gatherer call for his money till he won't call any longer, and then +he sends it: finds fault with the sermon every Sunday, says that the +organist ought to be ashamed of himself, offers to back himself for any +amount to sing the psalms better than all the children put together, male +and female; and, in short, conducts himself in the most turbulent and +uproarious manner. The worst of it is, that having a high regard for the +old lady, he wants to make her a convert to his views, and therefore +walks into her little parlour with his newspaper in his hand, and talks +violent politics by the hour. He is a charitable, open-hearted old +fellow at bottom, after all; so, although he puts the old lady a little +out occasionally, they agree very well in the main, and she laughs as +much at each feat of his handiwork when it is all over, as anybody else. + + + +CHAPTER III--THE FOUR SISTERS + + +The row of houses in which the old lady and her troublesome neighbour +reside, comprises, beyond all doubt, a greater number of characters +within its circumscribed limits, than all the rest of the parish put +together. As we cannot, consistently with our present plan, however, +extend the number of our parochial sketches beyond six, it will be better +perhaps, to select the most peculiar, and to introduce them at once +without further preface. + +The four Miss Willises, then, settled in our parish thirteen years ago. +It is a melancholy reflection that the old adage, 'time and tide wait for +no man,' applies with equal force to the fairer portion of the creation; +and willingly would we conceal the fact, that even thirteen years ago the +Miss Willises were far from juvenile. Our duty as faithful parochial +chroniclers, however, is paramount to every other consideration, and we +are bound to state, that thirteen years since, the authorities in +matrimonial cases, considered the youngest Miss Willis in a very +precarious state, while the eldest sister was positively given over, as +being far beyond all human hope. Well, the Miss Willises took a lease of +the house; it was fresh painted and papered from top to bottom: the paint +inside was all wainscoted, the marble all cleaned, the old grates taken +down, and register-stoves, you could see to dress by, put up; four trees +were planted in the back garden, several small baskets of gravel +sprinkled over the front one, vans of elegant furniture arrived, spring +blinds were fitted to the windows, carpenters who had been employed in +the various preparations, alterations, and repairs, made confidential +statements to the different maid-servants in the row, relative to the +magnificent scale on which the Miss Willises were commencing; the +maid-servants told their 'Missises,' the Missises told their friends, and +vague rumours were circulated throughout the parish, that No. 25, in +Gordon-place, had been taken by four maiden ladies of immense property. + +At last, the Miss Willises moved in; and then the 'calling' began. The +house was the perfection of neatness--so were the four Miss Willises. +Everything was formal, stiff, and cold--so were the four Miss Willises. +Not a single chair of the whole set was ever seen out of its place--not a +single Miss Willis of the whole four was ever seen out of hers. There +they always sat, in the same places, doing precisely the same things at +the same hour. The eldest Miss Willis used to knit, the second to draw, +the two others to play duets on the piano. They seemed to have no +separate existence, but to have made up their minds just to winter +through life together. They were three long graces in drapery, with the +addition, like a school-dinner, of another long grace afterwards--the +three fates with another sister--the Siamese twins multiplied by two. +The eldest Miss Willis grew bilious--the four Miss Willises grew bilious +immediately. The eldest Miss Willis grew ill-tempered and religious--the +four Miss Willises were ill-tempered and religious directly. Whatever +the eldest did, the others did, and whatever anybody else did, they all +disapproved of; and thus they vegetated--living in Polar harmony among +themselves, and, as they sometimes went out, or saw company 'in a +quiet-way' at home, occasionally icing the neighbours. Three years +passed over in this way, when an unlooked for and extraordinary +phenomenon occurred. The Miss Willises showed symptoms of summer, the +frost gradually broke up; a complete thaw took place. Was it possible? +one of the four Miss Willises was going to be married! + +Now, where on earth the husband came from, by what feelings the poor man +could have been actuated, or by what process of reasoning the four Miss +Willises succeeded in persuading themselves that it was possible for a +man to marry one of them, without marrying them all, are questions too +profound for us to resolve: certain it is, however, that the visits of +Mr. Robinson (a gentleman in a public office, with a good salary and a +little property of his own, besides) were received--that the four Miss +Willises were courted in due form by the said Mr Robinson--that the +neighbours were perfectly frantic in their anxiety to discover which of +the four Miss Willises was the fortunate fair, and that the difficulty +they experienced in solving the problem was not at all lessened by the +announcement of the eldest Miss Willis,--'_We_ are going to marry Mr. +Robinson.' + +It was very extraordinary. They were so completely identified, the one +with the other, that the curiosity of the whole row--even of the old lady +herself--was roused almost beyond endurance. The subject was discussed +at every little card-table and tea-drinking. The old gentleman of +silk-worm notoriety did not hesitate to express his decided opinion that +Mr. Robinson was of Eastern descent, and contemplated marrying the whole +family at once; and the row, generally, shook their heads with +considerable gravity, and declared the business to be very mysterious. +They hoped it might all end well;--it certainly had a very singular +appearance, but still it would be uncharitable to express any opinion +without good grounds to go upon, and certainly the Miss Willises were +_quite_ old enough to judge for themselves, and to be sure people ought +to know their own business best, and so forth. + +At last, one fine morning, at a quarter before eight o'clock, A.M., two +glass-coaches drove up to the Miss Willises' door, at which Mr. Robinson +had arrived in a cab ten minutes before, dressed in a light-blue coat and +double-milled kersey pantaloons, white neckerchief, pumps, and +dress-gloves, his manner denoting, as appeared from the evidence of the +housemaid at No. 23, who was sweeping the door-steps at the time, a +considerable degree of nervous excitement. It was also hastily reported +on the same testimony, that the cook who opened the door, wore a large +white bow of unusual dimensions, in a much smarter head-dress than the +regulation cap to which the Miss Willises invariably restricted the +somewhat excursive tastes of female servants in general. + +The intelligence spread rapidly from house to house. It was quite clear +that the eventful morning had at length arrived; the whole row stationed +themselves behind their first and second floor blinds, and waited the +result in breathless expectation. + +At last the Miss Willises' door opened; the door of the first glass-coach +did the same. Two gentlemen, and a pair of ladies to correspond--friends +of the family, no doubt; up went the steps, bang went the door, off went +the first class-coach, and up came the second. + +The street door opened again; the excitement of the whole row +increased--Mr. Robinson and the eldest Miss Willis. 'I thought so,' said +the lady at No. 19; 'I always said it was _Miss_ Willis!'--'Well, I +never!' ejaculated the young lady at No. 18 to the young lady at No. +17.--'Did you ever, dear!' responded the young lady at No. 17 to the +young lady at No. 18. 'It's too ridiculous!' exclaimed a spinster of an +_un_certain age, at No. 16, joining in the conversation. But who shall +portray the astonishment of Gordon-place, when Mr. Robinson handed in +_all_ the Miss Willises, one after the other, and then squeezed himself +into an acute angle of the glass-coach, which forthwith proceeded at a +brisk pace, after the other glass-coach, which other glass-coach had +itself proceeded, at a brisk pace, in the direction of the parish church! +Who shall depict the perplexity of the clergyman, when _all_ the Miss +Willises knelt down at the communion-table, and repeated the responses +incidental to the marriage service in an audible voice--or who shall +describe the confusion which prevailed, when--even after the difficulties +thus occasioned had been adjusted--_all_ the Miss Willises went into +hysterics at the conclusion of the ceremony, until the sacred edifice +resounded with their united wailings! + +As the four sisters and Mr. Robinson continued to occupy the same house +after this memorable occasion, and as the married sister, whoever she +was, never appeared in public without the other three, we are not quite +clear that the neighbours ever would have discovered the real Mrs. +Robinson, but for a circumstance of the most gratifying description, +which _will_ happen occasionally in the best-regulated families. Three +quarter-days elapsed, and the row, on whom a new light appeared to have +been bursting for some time, began to speak with a sort of implied +confidence on the subject, and to wonder how Mrs. Robinson--the youngest +Miss Willis that was--got on; and servants might be seen running up the +steps, about nine or ten o'clock every morning, with 'Missis's +compliments, and wishes to know how Mrs. Robinson finds herself this +morning?' And the answer always was, 'Mrs. Robinson's compliments, and +she's in very good spirits, and doesn't find herself any worse.' The +piano was heard no longer, the knitting-needles were laid aside, drawing +was neglected, and mantua-making and millinery, on the smallest scale +imaginable, appeared to have become the favourite amusement of the whole +family. The parlour wasn't quite as tidy as it used to be, and if you +called in the morning, you would see lying on a table, with an old +newspaper carelessly thrown over them, two or three particularly small +caps, rather larger than if they had been made for a moderate-sized doll, +with a small piece of lace, in the shape of a horse-shoe, let in behind: +or perhaps a white robe, not very large in circumference, but very much +out of proportion in point of length, with a little tucker round the top, +and a frill round the bottom; and once when we called, we saw a long +white roller, with a kind of blue margin down each side, the probable use +of which, we were at a loss to conjecture. Then we fancied that Dr. +Dawson, the surgeon, &c., who displays a large lamp with a different +colour in every pane of glass, at the corner of the row, began to be +knocked up at night oftener than he used to be; and once we were very +much alarmed by hearing a hackney-coach stop at Mrs. Robinson's door, at +half-past two o'clock in the morning, out of which there emerged a fat +old woman, in a cloak and night-cap, with a bundle in one hand, and a +pair of pattens in the other, who looked as if she had been suddenly +knocked up out of bed for some very special purpose. + +When we got up in the morning we saw that the knocker was tied up in an +old white kid glove; and we, in our innocence (we were in a state of +bachelorship then), wondered what on earth it all meant, until we heard +the eldest Miss Willis, _in propria persona_ say, with great dignity, in +answer to the next inquiry, '_My_ compliments, and Mrs. Robinson's doing +as well as can be expected, and the little girl thrives wonderfully.' +And then, in common with the rest of the row, our curiosity was +satisfied, and we began to wonder it had never occurred to us what the +matter was, before. + + + +CHAPTER IV--THE ELECTION FOR BEADLE + + +A great event has recently occurred in our parish. A contest of +paramount interest has just terminated; a parochial convulsion has taken +place. It has been succeeded by a glorious triumph, which the +country--or at least the parish--it is all the same--will long remember. +We have had an election; an election for beadle. The supporters of the +old beadle system have been defeated in their stronghold, and the +advocates of the great new beadle principles have achieved a proud +victory. + +Our parish, which, like all other parishes, is a little world of its own, +has long been divided into two parties, whose contentions, slumbering for +a while, have never failed to burst forth with unabated vigour, on any +occasion on which they could by possibility be renewed. Watching-rates, +lighting-rates, paving-rates, sewer's-rates, church-rates, +poor's-rates--all sorts of rates, have been in their turns the subjects +of a grand struggle; and as to questions of patronage, the asperity and +determination with which they have been contested is scarcely credible. + +The leader of the official party--the steady advocate of the +churchwardens, and the unflinching supporter of the overseers--is an old +gentleman who lives in our row. He owns some half a dozen houses in it, +and always walks on the opposite side of the way, so that he may be able +to take in a view of the whole of his property at once. He is a tall, +thin, bony man, with an interrogative nose, and little restless perking +eyes, which appear to have been given him for the sole purpose of peeping +into other people's affairs with. He is deeply impressed with the +importance of our parish business, and prides himself, not a little, on +his style of addressing the parishioners in vestry assembled. His views +are rather confined than extensive; his principles more narrow than +liberal. He has been heard to declaim very loudly in favour of the +liberty of the press, and advocates the repeal of the stamp duty on +newspapers, because the daily journals who now have a monopoly of the +public, never give _verbatim_ reports of vestry meetings. He would not +appear egotistical for the world, but at the same time he must say, that +there are _speeches_--that celebrated speech of his own, on the +emoluments of the sexton, and the duties of the office, for +instance--which might be communicated to the public, greatly to their +improvement and advantage. + +His great opponent in public life is Captain Purday, the old naval +officer on half-pay, to whom we have already introduced our readers. The +captain being a determined opponent of the constituted authorities, +whoever they may chance to be, and our other friend being their steady +supporter, with an equal disregard of their individual merits, it will +readily be supposed, that occasions for their coming into direct +collision are neither few nor far between. They divided the vestry +fourteen times on a motion for heating the church with warm water instead +of coals: and made speeches about liberty and expenditure, and +prodigality and hot water, which threw the whole parish into a state of +excitement. Then the captain, when he was on the visiting committee, and +his opponent overseer, brought forward certain distinct and specific +charges relative to the management of the workhouse, boldly expressed his +total want of confidence in the existing authorities, and moved for 'a +copy of the recipe by which the paupers' soup was prepared, together with +any documents relating thereto.' This the overseer steadily resisted; he +fortified himself by precedent, appealed to the established usage, and +declined to produce the papers, on the ground of the injury that would be +done to the public service, if documents of a strictly private nature, +passing between the master of the workhouse and the cook, were to be thus +dragged to light on the motion of any individual member of the vestry. +The motion was lost by a majority of two; and then the captain, who never +allows himself to be defeated, moved for a committee of inquiry into the +whole subject. The affair grew serious: the question was discussed at +meeting after meeting, and vestry after vestry; speeches were made, +attacks repudiated, personal defiances exchanged, explanations received, +and the greatest excitement prevailed, until at last, just as the +question was going to be finally decided, the vestry found that somehow +or other, they had become entangled in a point of form, from which it was +impossible to escape with propriety. So, the motion was dropped, and +everybody looked extremely important, and seemed quite satisfied with the +meritorious nature of the whole proceeding. + +This was the state of affairs in our parish a week or two since, when +Simmons, the beadle, suddenly died. The lamented deceased had +over-exerted himself, a day or two previously, in conveying an aged +female, highly intoxicated, to the strong room of the work-house. The +excitement thus occasioned, added to a severe cold, which this +indefatigable officer had caught in his capacity of director of the +parish engine, by inadvertently playing over himself instead of a fire, +proved too much for a constitution already enfeebled by age; and the +intelligence was conveyed to the Board one evening that Simmons had died, +and left his respects. + +The breath was scarcely out of the body of the deceased functionary, when +the field was filled with competitors for the vacant office, each of whom +rested his claims to public support, entirely on the number and extent of +his family, as if the office of beadle were originally instituted as an +encouragement for the propagation of the human species. 'Bung for +Beadle. Five small children!'--'Hopkins for Beadle. Seven small +children!!'--'Timkins for Beadle. Nine small children!!!' Such were the +placards in large black letters on a white ground, which were plentifully +pasted on the walls, and posted in the windows of the principal shops. +Timkins's success was considered certain: several mothers of families +half promised their votes, and the nine small children would have run +over the course, but for the production of another placard, announcing +the appearance of a still more meritorious candidate. 'Spruggins for +Beadle. Ten small children (two of them twins), and a wife!!!' There +was no resisting this; ten small children would have been almost +irresistible in themselves, without the twins, but the touching +parenthesis about that interesting production of nature, and the still +more touching allusion to Mrs. Spruggins, must ensure success. Spruggins +was the favourite at once, and the appearance of his lady, as she went +about to solicit votes (which encouraged confident hopes of a still +further addition to the house of Spruggins at no remote period), +increased the general prepossession in his favour. The other candidates, +Bung alone excepted, resigned in despair. The day of election was fixed; +and the canvass proceeded with briskness and perseverance on both sides. + +The members of the vestry could not be supposed to escape the contagious +excitement inseparable from the occasion. The majority of the lady +inhabitants of the parish declared at once for Spruggins; and the +_quondam_ overseer took the same side, on the ground that men with large +families always had been elected to the office, and that although he must +admit, that, in other respects, Spruggins was the least qualified +candidate of the two, still it was an old practice, and he saw no reason +why an old practice should be departed from. This was enough for the +captain. He immediately sided with Bung, canvassed for him personally in +all directions, wrote squibs on Spruggins, and got his butcher to skewer +them up on conspicuous joints in his shop-front; frightened his +neighbour, the old lady, into a palpitation of the heart, by his awful +denunciations of Spruggins's party; and bounced in and out, and up and +down, and backwards and forwards, until all the sober inhabitants of the +parish thought it inevitable that he must die of a brain fever, long +before the election began. + +The day of election arrived. It was no longer an individual struggle, +but a party contest between the ins and outs. The question was, whether +the withering influence of the overseers, the domination of the +churchwardens, and the blighting despotism of the vestry-clerk, should be +allowed to render the election of beadle a form--a nullity: whether they +should impose a vestry-elected beadle on the parish, to do their bidding +and forward their views, or whether the parishioners, fearlessly +asserting their undoubted rights, should elect an independent beadle of +their own. + +The nomination was fixed to take place in the vestry, but so great was +the throng of anxious spectators, that it was found necessary to adjourn +to the church, where the ceremony commenced with due solemnity. The +appearance of the churchwardens and overseers, and the ex-churchwardens +and ex-overseers, with Spruggins in the rear, excited general attention. +Spruggins was a little thin man, in rusty black, with a long pale face, +and a countenance expressive of care and fatigue, which might either be +attributed to the extent of his family or the anxiety of his feelings. +His opponent appeared in a cast-off coat of the captain's--a blue coat +with bright buttons; white trousers, and that description of shoes +familiarly known by the appellation of 'high-lows.' There was a serenity +in the open countenance of Bung--a kind of moral dignity in his confident +air--an 'I wish you may get it' sort of expression in his eye--which +infused animation into his supporters, and evidently dispirited his +opponents. + +The ex-churchwarden rose to propose Thomas Spruggins for beadle. He had +known him long. He had had his eye upon him closely for years; he had +watched him with twofold vigilance for months. (A parishioner here +suggested that this might be termed 'taking a double sight,' but the +observation was drowned in loud cries of 'Order!') He would repeat that +he had had his eye upon him for years, and this he would say, that a more +well-conducted, a more well-behaved, a more sober, a more quiet man, with +a more well-regulated mind, he had never met with. A man with a larger +family he had never known (cheers). The parish required a man who could +be depended on ('Hear!' from the Spruggins side, answered by ironical +cheers from the Bung party). Such a man he now proposed ('No,' 'Yes'). +He would not allude to individuals (the ex-churchwarden continued, in the +celebrated negative style adopted by great speakers). He would not +advert to a gentleman who had once held a high rank in the service of his +majesty; he would not say, that that gentleman was no gentleman; he would +not assert, that that man was no man; he would not say, that he was a +turbulent parishioner; he would not say, that he had grossly misbehaved +himself, not only on this, but on all former occasions; he would not say, +that he was one of those discontented and treasonable spirits, who +carried confusion and disorder wherever they went; he would not say, that +he harboured in his heart envy, and hatred, and malice, and all +uncharitableness. No! He wished to have everything comfortable and +pleasant, and therefore, he would say--nothing about him (cheers). + +The captain replied in a similar parliamentary style. He would not say, +he was astonished at the speech they had just heard; he would not say, he +was disgusted (cheers). He would not retort the epithets which had been +hurled against him (renewed cheering); he would not allude to men once in +office, but now happily out of it, who had mismanaged the workhouse, +ground the paupers, diluted the beer, slack-baked the bread, boned the +meat, heightened the work, and lowered the soup (tremendous cheers). He +would not ask what such men deserved (a voice, 'Nothing a-day, and find +themselves!'). He would not say, that one burst of general indignation +should drive them from the parish they polluted with their presence +('Give it him!'). He would not allude to the unfortunate man who had +been proposed--he would not say, as the vestry's tool, but as Beadle. He +would not advert to that individual's family; he would not say, that nine +children, twins, and a wife, were very bad examples for pauper imitation +(loud cheers). He would not advert in detail to the qualifications of +Bung. The man stood before him, and he would not say in his presence, +what he might be disposed to say of him, if he were absent. (Here Mr. +Bung telegraphed to a friend near him, under cover of his hat, by +contracting his left eye, and applying his right thumb to the tip of his +nose). It had been objected to Bung that he had only five children +('Hear, hear!' from the opposition). Well; he had yet to learn that the +legislature had affixed any precise amount of infantine qualification to +the office of beadle; but taking it for granted that an extensive family +were a great requisite, he entreated them to look to facts, and compare +_data_, about which there could be no mistake. Bung was 35 years of age. +Spruggins--of whom he wished to speak with all possible respect--was 50. +Was it not more than possible--was it not very probable--that by the time +Bung attained the latter age, he might see around him a family, even +exceeding in number and extent, that to which Spruggins at present laid +claim (deafening cheers and waving of handkerchiefs)? The captain +concluded, amidst loud applause, by calling upon the parishioners to +sound the tocsin, rush to the poll, free themselves from dictation, or be +slaves for ever. + +On the following day the polling began, and we never have had such a +bustle in our parish since we got up our famous anti-slavery petition, +which was such an important one, that the House of Commons ordered it to +be printed, on the motion of the member for the district. The captain +engaged two hackney-coaches and a cab for Bung's people--the cab for the +drunken voters, and the two coaches for the old ladies, the greater +portion of whom, owing to the captain's impetuosity, were driven up to +the poll and home again, before they recovered from their flurry +sufficiently to know, with any degree of clearness, what they had been +doing. The opposite party wholly neglected these precautions, and the +consequence was, that a great many ladies who were walking leisurely up +to the church--for it was a very hot day--to vote for Spruggins, were +artfully decoyed into the coaches, and voted for Bung. The captain's +arguments, too, had produced considerable effect: the attempted influence +of the vestry produced a greater. A threat of exclusive dealing was +clearly established against the vestry-clerk--a case of heartless and +profligate atrocity. It appeared that the delinquent had been in the +habit of purchasing six penn'orth of muffins, weekly, from an old woman +who rents a small house in the parish, and resides among the original +settlers; on her last weekly visit, a message was conveyed to her through +the medium of the cook, couched in mysterious terms, but indicating with +sufficient clearness, that the vestry-clerk's appetite for muffins, in +future, depended entirely on her vote on the beadleship. This was +sufficient: the stream had been turning previously, and the impulse thus +administered directed its final course. The Bung party ordered one +shilling's-worth of muffins weekly for the remainder of the old woman's +natural life; the parishioners were loud in their exclamations; and the +fate of Spruggins was sealed. + +It was in vain that the twins were exhibited in dresses of the same +pattern, and night-caps, to match, at the church door: the boy in Mrs. +Spruggins's right arm, and the girl in her left--even Mrs. Spruggins +herself failed to be an object of sympathy any longer. The majority +attained by Bung on the gross poll was four hundred and twenty-eight, and +the cause of the parishioners triumphed. + + + +CHAPTER V--THE BROKER'S MAN + + +The excitement of the late election has subsided, and our parish being +once again restored to a state of comparative tranquillity, we are +enabled to devote our attention to those parishioners who take little +share in our party contests or in the turmoil and bustle of public life. +And we feel sincere pleasure in acknowledging here, that in collecting +materials for this task we have been greatly assisted by Mr. Bung +himself, who has imposed on us a debt of obligation which we fear we can +never repay. The life of this gentleman has been one of a very chequered +description: he has undergone transitions--not from grave to gay, for he +never was grave--not from lively to severe, for severity forms no part of +his disposition; his fluctuations have been between poverty in the +extreme, and poverty modified, or, to use his own emphatic language, +'between nothing to eat and just half enough.' He is not, as he forcibly +remarks, 'one of those fortunate men who, if they were to dive under one +side of a barge stark-naked, would come up on the other with a new suit +of clothes on, and a ticket for soup in the waistcoat-pocket:' neither is +he one of those, whose spirit has been broken beyond redemption by +misfortune and want. He is just one of the careless, good-for-nothing, +happy fellows, who float, cork-like, on the surface, for the world to +play at hockey with: knocked here, and there, and everywhere: now to the +right, then to the left, again up in the air, and anon to the bottom, but +always reappearing and bounding with the stream buoyantly and merrily +along. Some few months before he was prevailed upon to stand a contested +election for the office of beadle, necessity attached him to the service +of a broker; and on the opportunities he here acquired of ascertaining +the condition of most of the poorer inhabitants of the parish, his +patron, the captain, first grounded his claims to public support. Chance +threw the man in our way a short time since. We were, in the first +instance, attracted by his prepossessing impudence at the election; we +were not surprised, on further acquaintance, to find him a shrewd, +knowing fellow, with no inconsiderable power of observation; and, after +conversing with him a little, were somewhat struck (as we dare say our +readers have frequently been in other cases) with the power some men seem +to have, not only of sympathising with, but to all appearance of +understanding feelings to which they themselves are entire strangers. We +had been expressing to the new functionary our surprise that he should +ever have served in the capacity to which we have just adverted, when we +gradually led him into one or two professional anecdotes. As we are +induced to think, on reflection, that they will tell better in nearly his +own words, than with any attempted embellishments of ours, we will at +once entitle them. + + MR BUNG'S NARRATIVE + +'It's very true, as you say, sir,' Mr. Bung commenced, 'that a broker's +man's is not a life to be envied; and in course you know as well as I do, +though you don't say it, that people hate and scout 'em because they're +the ministers of wretchedness, like, to poor people. But what could I +do, sir? The thing was no worse because I did it, instead of somebody +else; and if putting me in possession of a house would put me in +possession of three and sixpence a day, and levying a distress on another +man's goods would relieve my distress and that of my family, it can't be +expected but what I'd take the job and go through with it. I never liked +it, God knows; I always looked out for something else, and the moment I +got other work to do, I left it. If there is anything wrong in being the +agent in such matters--not the principal, mind you--I'm sure the +business, to a beginner like I was, at all events, carries its own +punishment along with it. I wished again and again that the people would +only blow me up, or pitch into me--that I wouldn't have minded, it's all +in my way; but it's the being shut up by yourself in one room for five +days, without so much as an old newspaper to look at, or anything to see +out o' the winder but the roofs and chimneys at the back of the house, or +anything to listen to, but the ticking, perhaps, of an old Dutch clock, +the sobbing of the missis, now and then, the low talking of friends in +the next room, who speak in whispers, lest "the man" should overhear +them, or perhaps the occasional opening of the door, as a child peeps in +to look at you, and then runs half-frightened away--it's all this, that +makes you feel sneaking somehow, and ashamed of yourself; and then, if +it's wintertime, they just give you fire enough to make you think you'd +like more, and bring in your grub as if they wished it 'ud choke you--as +I dare say they do, for the matter of that, most heartily. If they're +very civil, they make you up a bed in the room at night, and if they +don't, your master sends one in for you; but there you are, without being +washed or shaved all the time, shunned by everybody, and spoken to by no +one, unless some one comes in at dinner-time, and asks you whether you +want any more, in a tone as much to say, "I hope you don't," or, in the +evening, to inquire whether you wouldn't rather have a candle, after +you've been sitting in the dark half the night. When I was left in this +way, I used to sit, think, think, thinking, till I felt as lonesome as a +kitten in a wash-house copper with the lid on; but I believe the old +brokers' men who are regularly trained to it, never think at all. I have +heard some on 'em say, indeed, that they don't know how! + +'I put in a good many distresses in my time (continued Mr. Bung), and in +course I wasn't long in finding, that some people are not as much to be +pitied as others are, and that people with good incomes who get into +difficulties, which they keep patching up day after day and week after +week, get so used to these sort of things in time, that at last they come +scarcely to feel them at all. I remember the very first place I was put +in possession of, was a gentleman's house in this parish here, that +everybody would suppose couldn't help having money if he tried. I went +with old Fixem, my old master, 'bout half arter eight in the morning; +rang the area-bell; servant in livery opened the door: "Governor at +home?"--"Yes, he is," says the man; "but he's breakfasting just now." +"Never mind," says Fixem, "just you tell him there's a gentleman here, as +wants to speak to him partickler." So the servant he opens his eyes, and +stares about him all ways--looking for the gentleman, as it struck me, +for I don't think anybody but a man as was stone-blind would mistake +Fixem for one; and as for me, I was as seedy as a cheap cowcumber. +Hows'ever, he turns round, and goes to the breakfast-parlour, which was a +little snug sort of room at the end of the passage, and Fixem (as we +always did in that profession), without waiting to be announced, walks in +arter him, and before the servant could get out, "Please, sir, here's a +man as wants to speak to you," looks in at the door as familiar and +pleasant as may be. "Who the devil are you, and how dare you walk into a +gentleman's house without leave?" says the master, as fierce as a bull in +fits. "My name," says Fixem, winking to the master to send the servant +away, and putting the warrant into his hands folded up like a note, "My +name's Smith," says he, "and I called from Johnson's about that business +of Thompson's."--"Oh," says the other, quite down on him directly, "How +_is_ Thompson?" says he; "Pray sit down, Mr. Smith: John, leave the +room." Out went the servant; and the gentleman and Fixem looked at one +another till they couldn't look any longer, and then they varied the +amusements by looking at me, who had been standing on the mat all this +time. "Hundred and fifty pounds, I see," said the gentleman at last. +"Hundred and fifty pound," said Fixem, "besides cost of levy, sheriff's +poundage, and all other incidental expenses."--"Um," says the gentleman, +"I shan't be able to settle this before to-morrow afternoon."--"Very +sorry; but I shall be obliged to leave my man here till then," replies +Fixem, pretending to look very miserable over it. "That's very +unfort'nate," says the gentleman, "for I have got a large party here +to-night, and I'm ruined if those fellows of mine get an inkling of the +matter--just step here, Mr. Smith," says he, after a short pause. So +Fixem walks with him up to the window, and after a good deal of +whispering, and a little chinking of suverins, and looking at me, he +comes back and says, "Bung, you're a handy fellow, and very honest I +know. This gentleman wants an assistant to clean the plate and wait at +table to-day, and if you're not particularly engaged," says old Fixem, +grinning like mad, and shoving a couple of suverins into my hand, "he'll +be very glad to avail himself of your services." Well, I laughed: and +the gentleman laughed, and we all laughed; and I went home and cleaned +myself, leaving Fixem there, and when I went back, Fixem went away, and I +polished up the plate, and waited at table, and gammoned the servants, +and nobody had the least idea I was in possession, though it very nearly +came out after all; for one of the last gentlemen who remained, came +down-stairs into the hall where I was sitting pretty late at night, and +putting half-a-crown into my hand, says, "Here, my man," says he, "run +and get me a coach, will you?" I thought it was a do, to get me out of +the house, and was just going to say so, sulkily enough, when the +gentleman (who was up to everything) came running down-stairs, as if he +was in great anxiety. "Bung," says he, pretending to be in a consuming +passion. "Sir," says I. "Why the devil an't you looking after that +plate?"--"I was just going to send him for a coach for me," says the +other gentleman. "And I was just a-going to say," says I--"Anybody else, +my dear fellow," interrupts the master of the house, pushing me down the +passage to get out of the way--"anybody else; but I have put this man in +possession of all the plate and valuables, and I cannot allow him on any +consideration whatever, to leave the house. Bung, you scoundrel, go and +count those forks in the breakfast-parlour instantly." You may be sure I +went laughing pretty hearty when I found it was all right. The money was +paid next day, with the addition of something else for myself, and that +was the best job that I (and I suspect old Fixem too) ever got in that +line. + +'But this is the bright side of the picture, sir, after all,' resumed Mr. +Bung, laying aside the knowing look and flash air, with which he had +repeated the previous anecdote--'and I'm sorry to say, it's the side one +sees very, very seldom, in comparison with the dark one. The civility +which money will purchase, is rarely extended to those who have none; and +there's a consolation even in being able to patch up one difficulty, to +make way for another, to which very poor people are strangers. I was +once put into a house down George's-yard--that little dirty court at the +back of the gas-works; and I never shall forget the misery of them +people, dear me! It was a distress for half a year's rent--two pound +ten, I think. There was only two rooms in the house, and as there was no +passage, the lodgers up-stairs always went through the room of the people +of the house, as they passed in and out; and every time they did +so--which, on the average, was about four times every quarter of an +hour--they blowed up quite frightful: for their things had been seized +too, and included in the inventory. There was a little piece of enclosed +dust in front of the house, with a cinder-path leading up to the door, +and an open rain-water butt on one side. A dirty striped curtain, on a +very slack string, hung in the window, and a little triangular bit of +broken looking-glass rested on the sill inside. I suppose it was meant +for the people's use, but their appearance was so wretched, and so +miserable, that I'm certain they never could have plucked up courage to +look themselves in the face a second time, if they survived the fright of +doing so once. There was two or three chairs, that might have been +worth, in their best days, from eightpence to a shilling a-piece; a small +deal table, an old corner cupboard with nothing in it, and one of those +bedsteads which turn up half way, and leave the bottom legs sticking out +for you to knock your head against, or hang your hat upon; no bed, no +bedding. There was an old sack, by way of rug, before the fireplace, and +four or five children were grovelling about, among the sand on the floor. +The execution was only put in, to get 'em out of the house, for there was +nothing to take to pay the expenses; and here I stopped for three days, +though that was a mere form too: for, in course, I knew, and we all knew, +they could never pay the money. In one of the chairs, by the side of the +place where the fire ought to have been, was an old 'ooman--the ugliest +and dirtiest I ever see--who sat rocking herself backwards and forwards, +backwards and forwards, without once stopping, except for an instant now +and then, to clasp together the withered hands which, with these +exceptions, she kept constantly rubbing upon her knees, just raising and +depressing her fingers convulsively, in time to the rocking of the chair. +On the other side sat the mother with an infant in her arms, which cried +till it cried itself to sleep, and when it 'woke, cried till it cried +itself off again. The old 'ooman's voice I never heard: she seemed +completely stupefied; and as to the mother's, it would have been better +if she had been so too, for misery had changed her to a devil. If you +had heard how she cursed the little naked children as was rolling on the +floor, and seen how savagely she struck the infant when it cried with +hunger, you'd have shuddered as much as I did. There they remained all +the time: the children ate a morsel of bread once or twice, and I gave +'em best part of the dinners my missis brought me, but the woman ate +nothing; they never even laid on the bedstead, nor was the room swept or +cleaned all the time. The neighbours were all too poor themselves to +take any notice of 'em, but from what I could make out from the abuse of +the woman up-stairs, it seemed the husband had been transported a few +weeks before. When the time was up, the landlord and old Fixem too, got +rather frightened about the family, and so they made a stir about it, and +had 'em taken to the workhouse. They sent the sick couch for the old +'ooman, and Simmons took the children away at night. The old 'ooman went +into the infirmary, and very soon died. The children are all in the +house to this day, and very comfortable they are in comparison. As to +the mother, there was no taming her at all. She had been a quiet, +hard-working woman, I believe, but her misery had actually drove her +wild; so after she had been sent to the house of correction half-a-dozen +times, for throwing inkstands at the overseers, blaspheming the +churchwardens, and smashing everybody as come near her, she burst a +blood-vessel one mornin', and died too; and a happy release it was, both +for herself and the old paupers, male and female, which she used to tip +over in all directions, as if they were so many skittles, and she the +ball. + +'Now this was bad enough,' resumed Mr. Bung, taking a half-step towards +the door, as if to intimate that he had nearly concluded. 'This was bad +enough, but there was a sort of quiet misery--if you understand what I +mean by that, sir--about a lady at one house I was put into, as touched +me a good deal more. It doesn't matter where it was exactly: indeed, I'd +rather not say, but it was the same sort o' job. I went with Fixem in +the usual way--there was a year's rent in arrear; a very small +servant-girl opened the door, and three or four fine-looking little +children was in the front parlour we were shown into, which was very +clean, but very scantily furnished, much like the children themselves. +"Bung," says Fixem to me, in a low voice, when we were left alone for a +minute, "I know something about this here family, and my opinion is, it's +no go." "Do you think they can't settle?" says I, quite anxiously; for I +liked the looks of them children. Fixem shook his head, and was just +about to reply, when the door opened, and in come a lady, as white as +ever I see any one in my days, except about the eyes, which were red with +crying. She walked in, as firm as I could have done; shut the door +carefully after her, and sat herself down with a face as composed as if +it was made of stone. "What is the matter, gentlemen?" says she, in a +surprisin' steady voice. "_Is_ this an execution?" "It is, mum," says +Fixem. The lady looked at him as steady as ever: she didn't seem to have +understood him. "It is, mum," says Fixem again; "this is my warrant of +distress, mum," says he, handing it over as polite as if it was a +newspaper which had been bespoke arter the next gentleman. + +'The lady's lip trembled as she took the printed paper. She cast her eye +over it, and old Fixem began to explain the form, but saw she wasn't +reading it, plain enough, poor thing. "Oh, my God!" says she, suddenly +a-bursting out crying, letting the warrant fall, and hiding her face in +her hands. "Oh, my God! what will become of us!" The noise she made, +brought in a young lady of about nineteen or twenty, who, I suppose, had +been a-listening at the door, and who had got a little boy in her arms: +she sat him down in the lady's lap, without speaking, and she hugged the +poor little fellow to her bosom, and cried over him, till even old Fixem +put on his blue spectacles to hide the two tears, that was a-trickling +down, one on each side of his dirty face. "Now, dear ma," says the young +lady, "you know how much you have borne. For all our sakes--for pa's +sake," says she, "don't give way to this!"--"No, no, I won't!" says the +lady, gathering herself up, hastily, and drying her eyes; "I am very +foolish, but I'm better now--much better." And then she roused herself +up, went with us into every room while we took the inventory, opened all +the drawers of her own accord, sorted the children's little clothes to +make the work easier; and, except doing everything in a strange sort of +hurry, seemed as calm and composed as if nothing had happened. When we +came down-stairs again, she hesitated a minute or two, and at last says, +"Gentlemen," says she, "I am afraid I have done wrong, and perhaps it may +bring you into trouble. I secreted just now," she says, "the only +trinket I have left in the world--here it is." So she lays down on the +table a little miniature mounted in gold. "It's a miniature," she says, +"of my poor dear father! I little thought once, that I should ever thank +God for depriving me of the original, but I do, and have done for years +back, most fervently. Take it away, sir," she says, "it's a face that +never turned from me in sickness and distress, and I can hardly bear to +turn from it now, when, God knows, I suffer both in no ordinary degree." +I couldn't say nothing, but I raised my head from the inventory which I +was filling up, and looked at Fixem; the old fellow nodded to me +significantly, so I ran my pen through the "_Mini_" I had just written, +and left the miniature on the table. + +'Well, sir, to make short of a long story, I was left in possession, and +in possession I remained; and though I was an ignorant man, and the +master of the house a clever one, I saw what he never did, but what he +would give worlds now (if he had 'em) to have seen in time. I saw, sir, +that his wife was wasting away, beneath cares of which she never +complained, and griefs she never told. I saw that she was dying before +his eyes; I knew that one exertion from him might have saved her, but he +never made it. I don't blame him: I don't think he _could_ rouse +himself. She had so long anticipated all his wishes, and acted for him, +that he was a lost man when left to himself. I used to think when I +caught sight of her, in the clothes she used to wear, which looked shabby +even upon her, and would have been scarcely decent on any one else, that +if I was a gentleman it would wring my very heart to see the woman that +was a smart and merry girl when I courted her, so altered through her +love for me. Bitter cold and damp weather it was, yet, though her dress +was thin, and her shoes none of the best, during the whole three days, +from morning to night, she was out of doors running about to try and +raise the money. The money _was_ raised and the execution was paid out. +The whole family crowded into the room where I was, when the money +arrived. The father was quite happy as the inconvenience was removed--I +dare say he didn't know how; the children looked merry and cheerful +again; the eldest girl was bustling about, making preparations for the +first comfortable meal they had had since the distress was put in; and +the mother looked pleased to see them all so. But if ever I saw death in +a woman's face, I saw it in hers that night. + +'I was right, sir,' continued Mr. Bung, hurriedly passing his coat-sleeve +over his face; 'the family grew more prosperous, and good fortune +arrived. But it was too late. Those children are motherless now, and +their father would give up all he has since gained--house, home, goods, +money: all that he has, or ever can have, to restore the wife he has +lost.' + + + +CHAPTER VI--THE LADIES' SOCIETIES + + +Our Parish is very prolific in ladies' charitable institutions. In +winter, when wet feet are common, and colds not scarce, we have the +ladies' soup distribution society, the ladies' coal distribution society, +and the ladies' blanket distribution society; in summer, when stone +fruits flourish and stomach aches prevail, we have the ladies' +dispensary, and the ladies' sick visitation committee; and all the year +round we have the ladies' child's examination society, the ladies' bible +and prayer-book circulation society, and the ladies' childbed-linen +monthly loan society. The two latter are decidedly the most important; +whether they are productive of more benefit than the rest, it is not for +us to say, but we can take upon ourselves to affirm, with the utmost +solemnity, that they create a greater stir and more bustle, than all the +others put together. + +We should be disposed to affirm, on the first blush of the matter, that +the bible and prayer-book society is not so popular as the childbed-linen +society; the bible and prayer-book society has, however, considerably +increased in importance within the last year or two, having derived some +adventitious aid from the factious opposition of the child's examination +society; which factious opposition originated in manner following:--When +the young curate was popular, and all the unmarried ladies in the parish +took a serious turn, the charity children all at once became objects of +peculiar and especial interest. The three Miss Browns (enthusiastic +admirers of the curate) taught, and exercised, and examined, and +re-examined the unfortunate children, until the boys grew pale, and the +girls consumptive with study and fatigue. The three Miss Browns stood it +out very well, because they relieved each other; but the children, having +no relief at all, exhibited decided symptoms of weariness and care. The +unthinking part of the parishioners laughed at all this, but the more +reflective portion of the inhabitants abstained from expressing any +opinion on the subject until that of the curate had been clearly +ascertained. + +The opportunity was not long wanting. The curate preached a charity +sermon on behalf of the charity school, and in the charity sermon +aforesaid, expatiated in glowing terms on the praiseworthy and +indefatigable exertions of certain estimable individuals. Sobs were +heard to issue from the three Miss Browns' pew; the pew-opener of the +division was seen to hurry down the centre aisle to the vestry door, and +to return immediately, bearing a glass of water in her hand. A low +moaning ensued; two more pew-openers rushed to the spot, and the three +Miss Browns, each supported by a pew-opener, were led out of the church, +and led in again after the lapse of five minutes with white +pocket-handkerchiefs to their eyes, as if they had been attending a +funeral in the churchyard adjoining. If any doubt had for a moment +existed, as to whom the allusion was intended to apply, it was at once +removed. The wish to enlighten the charity children became universal, +and the three Miss Browns were unanimously besought to divide the school +into classes, and to assign each class to the superintendence of two +young ladies. + +A little learning is a dangerous thing, but a little patronage is more +so; the three Miss Browns appointed all the old maids, and carefully +excluded the young ones. Maiden aunts triumphed, mammas were reduced to +the lowest depths of despair, and there is no telling in what act of +violence the general indignation against the three Miss Browns might have +vented itself, had not a perfectly providential occurrence changed the +tide of public feeling. Mrs. Johnson Parker, the mother of seven +extremely fine girls--all unmarried--hastily reported to several other +mammas of several other unmarried families, that five old men, six old +women, and children innumerable, in the free seats near her pew, were in +the habit of coming to church every Sunday, without either bible or +prayer-book. Was this to be borne in a civilised country? Could such +things be tolerated in a Christian land? Never! A ladies' bible and +prayer-book distribution society was instantly formed: president, Mrs. +Johnson Parker; treasurers, auditors, and secretary, the Misses Johnson +Parker: subscriptions were entered into, books were bought, all the +free-seat people provided therewith, and when the first lesson was given +out, on the first Sunday succeeding these events, there was such a +dropping of books, and rustling of leaves, that it was morally impossible +to hear one word of the service for five minutes afterwards. + +The three Miss Browns, and their party, saw the approaching danger, and +endeavoured to avert it by ridicule and sarcasm. Neither the old men nor +the old women could read their books, now they had got them, said the +three Miss Browns. Never mind; they could learn, replied Mrs. Johnson +Parker. The children couldn't read either, suggested the three Miss +Browns. No matter; they could be taught, retorted Mrs. Johnson Parker. +A balance of parties took place. The Miss Browns publicly +examined--popular feeling inclined to the child's examination society. +The Miss Johnson Parkers publicly distributed--a reaction took place in +favour of the prayer-book distribution. A feather would have turned the +scale, and a feather did turn it. A missionary returned from the West +Indies; he was to be presented to the Dissenters' Missionary Society on +his marriage with a wealthy widow. Overtures were made to the Dissenters +by the Johnson Parkers. Their object was the same, and why not have a +joint meeting of the two societies? The proposition was accepted. The +meeting was duly heralded by public announcement, and the room was +crowded to suffocation. The Missionary appeared on the platform; he was +hailed with enthusiasm. He repeated a dialogue he had heard between two +negroes, behind a hedge, on the subject of distribution societies; the +approbation was tumultuous. He gave an imitation of the two negroes in +broken English; the roof was rent with applause. From that period we +date (with one trifling exception) a daily increase in the popularity of +the distribution society, and an increase of popularity, which the feeble +and impotent opposition of the examination party, has only tended to +augment. + +Now, the great points about the childbed-linen monthly loan society are, +that it is less dependent on the fluctuations of public opinion than +either the distribution or the child's examination; and that, come what +may, there is never any lack of objects on which to exercise its +benevolence. Our parish is a very populous one, and, if anything, +contributes, we should be disposed to say, rather more than its due share +to the aggregate amount of births in the metropolis and its environs. +The consequence is, that the monthly loan society flourishes, and invests +its members with a most enviable amount of bustling patronage. The +society (whose only notion of dividing time, would appear to be its +allotment into months) holds monthly tea-drinkings, at which the monthly +report is received, a secretary elected for the month ensuing, and such +of the monthly boxes as may not happen to be out on loan for the month, +carefully examined. + +We were never present at one of these meetings, from all of which it is +scarcely necessary to say, gentlemen are carefully excluded; but Mr. Bung +has been called before the board once or twice, and we have his authority +for stating, that its proceedings are conducted with great order and +regularity: not more than four members being allowed to speak at one time +on any pretence whatever. The regular committee is composed exclusively +of married ladies, but a vast number of young unmarried ladies of from +eighteen to twenty-five years of age, respectively, are admitted as +honorary members, partly because they are very useful in replenishing the +boxes, and visiting the confined; partly because it is highly desirable +that they should be initiated, at an early period, into the more serious +and matronly duties of after-life; and partly, because prudent mammas +have not unfrequently been known to turn this circumstance to wonderfully +good account in matrimonial speculations. + +In addition to the loan of the monthly boxes (which are always painted +blue, with the name of the society in large white letters on the lid), +the society dispense occasional grants of beef-tea, and a composition of +warm beer, spice, eggs, and sugar, commonly known by the name of +'candle,' to its patients. And here again the services of the honorary +members are called into requisition, and most cheerfully conceded. +Deputations of twos or threes are sent out to visit the patients, and on +these occasions there is such a tasting of candle and beef-tea, such a +stirring about of little messes in tiny saucepans on the hob, such a +dressing and undressing of infants, such a tying, and folding, and +pinning; such a nursing and warming of little legs and feet before the +fire, such a delightful confusion of talking and cooking, bustle, +importance, and officiousness, as never can be enjoyed in its full extent +but on similar occasions. + +In rivalry of these two institutions, and as a last expiring effort to +acquire parochial popularity, the child's examination people determined, +the other day, on having a grand public examination of the pupils; and +the large school-room of the national seminary was, by and with the +consent of the parish authorities, devoted to the purpose. Invitation +circulars were forwarded to all the principal parishioners, including, of +course, the heads of the other two societies, for whose especial behoof +and edification the display was intended; and a large audience was +confidently anticipated on the occasion. The floor was carefully +scrubbed the day before, under the immediate superintendence of the three +Miss Browns; forms were placed across the room for the accommodation of +the visitors, specimens in writing were carefully selected, and as +carefully patched and touched up, until they astonished the children who +had written them, rather more than the company who read them; sums in +compound addition were rehearsed and re-rehearsed until all the children +had the totals by heart; and the preparations altogether were on the most +laborious and most comprehensive scale. The morning arrived: the +children were yellow-soaped and flannelled, and towelled, till their +faces shone again; every pupil's hair was carefully combed into his or +her eyes, as the case might be; the girls were adorned with snow-white +tippets, and caps bound round the head by a single purple ribbon: the +necks of the elder boys were fixed into collars of startling dimensions. + +The doors were thrown open, and the Misses Brown and Co. were discovered +in plain white muslin dresses, and caps of the same--the child's +examination uniform. The room filled: the greetings of the company were +loud and cordial. The distributionists trembled, for their popularity +was at stake. The eldest boy fell forward, and delivered a propitiatory +address from behind his collar. It was from the pen of Mr. Henry Brown; +the applause was universal, and the Johnson Parkers were aghast. The +examination proceeded with success, and terminated in triumph. The +child's examination society gained a momentary victory, and the Johnson +Parkers retreated in despair. + +A secret council of the distributionists was held that night, with Mrs. +Johnson Parker in the chair, to consider of the best means of recovering +the ground they had lost in the favour of the parish. What could be +done? Another meeting! Alas! who was to attend it? The Missionary +would not do twice; and the slaves were emancipated. A bold step must be +taken. The parish must be astonished in some way or other; but no one +was able to suggest what the step should be. At length, a very old lady +was heard to mumble, in indistinct tones, 'Exeter Hall.' A sudden light +broke in upon the meeting. It was unanimously resolved, that a +deputation of old ladies should wait upon a celebrated orator, imploring +his assistance, and the favour of a speech; and the deputation should +also wait on two or three other imbecile old women, not resident in the +parish, and entreat their attendance. The application was successful, +the meeting was held; the orator (an Irishman) came. He talked of green +isles--other shores--vast Atlantic--bosom of the deep--Christian +charity--blood and extermination--mercy in hearts--arms in hands--altars +and homes--household gods. He wiped his eyes, he blew his nose, and he +quoted Latin. The effect was tremendous--the Latin was a decided hit. +Nobody knew exactly what it was about, but everybody knew it must be +affecting, because even the orator was overcome. The popularity of the +distribution society among the ladies of our parish is unprecedented; and +the child's examination is going fast to decay. + + + +CHAPTER VII--OUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR + + +We are very fond of speculating as we walk through a street, on the +character and pursuits of the people who inhabit it; and nothing so +materially assists us in these speculations as the appearance of the +house doors. The various expressions of the human countenance afford a +beautiful and interesting study; but there is something in the +physiognomy of street-door knockers, almost as characteristic, and nearly +as infallible. Whenever we visit a man for the first time, we +contemplate the features of his knocker with the greatest curiosity, for +we well know, that between the man and his knocker, there will inevitably +be a greater or less degree of resemblance and sympathy. + +For instance, there is one description of knocker that used to be common +enough, but which is fast passing away--a large round one, with the jolly +face of a convivial lion smiling blandly at you, as you twist the sides +of your hair into a curl or pull up your shirt-collar while you are +waiting for the door to be opened; we never saw that knocker on the door +of a churlish man--so far as our experience is concerned, it invariably +bespoke hospitality and another bottle. + +No man ever saw this knocker on the door of a small attorney or +bill-broker; they always patronise the other lion; a heavy +ferocious-looking fellow, with a countenance expressive of savage +stupidity--a sort of grand master among the knockers, and a great +favourite with the selfish and brutal. + +Then there is a little pert Egyptian knocker, with a long thin face, a +pinched-up nose, and a very sharp chin; he is most in vogue with your +government-office people, in light drabs and starched cravats; little +spare, priggish men, who are perfectly satisfied with their own opinions, +and consider themselves of paramount importance. + +We were greatly troubled a few years ago, by the innovation of a new kind +of knocker, without any face at all, composed of a wreath depending from +a hand or small truncheon. A little trouble and attention, however, +enabled us to overcome this difficulty, and to reconcile the new system +to our favourite theory. You will invariably find this knocker on the +doors of cold and formal people, who always ask you why you _don't_ come, +and never say _do_. + +Everybody knows the brass knocker is common to suburban villas, and +extensive boarding-schools; and having noticed this genus we have +recapitulated all the most prominent and strongly-defined species. + +Some phrenologists affirm, that the agitation of a man's brain by +different passions, produces corresponding developments in the form of +his skull. Do not let us be understood as pushing our theory to the full +length of asserting, that any alteration in a man's disposition would +produce a visible effect on the feature of his knocker. Our position +merely is, that in such a case, the magnetism which must exist between a +man and his knocker, would induce the man to remove, and seek some +knocker more congenial to his altered feelings. If you ever find a man +changing his habitation without any reasonable pretext, depend upon it, +that, although he may not be aware of the fact himself, it is because he +and his knocker are at variance. This is a new theory, but we venture to +launch it, nevertheless, as being quite as ingenious and infallible as +many thousands of the learned speculations which are daily broached for +public good and private fortune-making. + +Entertaining these feelings on the subject of knockers, it will be +readily imagined with what consternation we viewed the entire removal of +the knocker from the door of the next house to the one we lived in, some +time ago, and the substitution of a bell. This was a calamity we had +never anticipated. The bare idea of anybody being able to exist without +a knocker, appeared so wild and visionary, that it had never for one +instant entered our imagination. + +We sauntered moodily from the spot, and bent our steps towards +Eaton-square, then just building. What was our astonishment and +indignation to find that bells were fast becoming the rule, and knockers +the exception! Our theory trembled beneath the shock. We hastened home; +and fancying we foresaw in the swift progress of events, its entire +abolition, resolved from that day forward to vent our speculations on our +next-door neighbours in person. The house adjoining ours on the left +hand was uninhabited, and we had, therefore, plenty of leisure to observe +our next-door neighbours on the other side. + +The house without the knocker was in the occupation of a city clerk, and +there was a neatly-written bill in the parlour window intimating that +lodgings for a single gentleman were to be let within. + +It was a neat, dull little house, on the shady side of the way, with new, +narrow floorcloth in the passage, and new, narrow stair-carpets up to the +first floor. The paper was new, and the paint was new, and the furniture +was new; and all three, paper, paint, and furniture, bespoke the limited +means of the tenant. There was a little red and black carpet in the +drawing-room, with a border of flooring all the way round; a few stained +chairs and a pembroke table. A pink shell was displayed on each of the +little sideboards, which, with the addition of a tea-tray and caddy, a +few more shells on the mantelpiece, and three peacock's feathers +tastefully arranged above them, completed the decorative furniture of the +apartment. + +This was the room destined for the reception of the single gentleman +during the day, and a little back room on the same floor was assigned as +his sleeping apartment by night. + +The bill had not been long in the window, when a stout, good-humoured +looking gentleman, of about five-and-thirty, appeared as a candidate for +the tenancy. Terms were soon arranged, for the bill was taken down +immediately after his first visit. In a day or two the single gentleman +came in, and shortly afterwards his real character came out. + +First of all, he displayed a most extraordinary partiality for sitting up +till three or four o'clock in the morning, drinking whiskey-and-water, +and smoking cigars; then he invited friends home, who used to come at ten +o'clock, and begin to get happy about the small hours, when they evinced +their perfect contentment by singing songs with half-a-dozen verses of +two lines each, and a chorus of ten, which chorus used to be shouted +forth by the whole strength of the company, in the most enthusiastic and +vociferous manner, to the great annoyance of the neighbours, and the +special discomfort of another single gentleman overhead. + +Now, this was bad enough, occurring as it did three times a week on the +average, but this was not all; for when the company _did_ go away, +instead of walking quietly down the street, as anybody else's company +would have done, they amused themselves by making alarming and frightful +noises, and counterfeiting the shrieks of females in distress; and one +night, a red-faced gentleman in a white hat knocked in the most urgent +manner at the door of the powdered-headed old gentleman at No. 3, and +when the powdered-headed old gentleman, who thought one of his married +daughters must have been taken ill prematurely, had groped down-stairs, +and after a great deal of unbolting and key-turning, opened the street +door, the red-faced man in the white hat said he hoped he'd excuse his +giving him so much trouble, but he'd feel obliged if he'd favour him with +a glass of cold spring water, and the loan of a shilling for a cab to +take him home, on which the old gentleman slammed the door and went +up-stairs, and threw the contents of his water jug out of window--very +straight, only it went over the wrong man; and the whole street was +involved in confusion. + +A joke's a joke; and even practical jests are very capital in their way, +if you can only get the other party to see the fun of them; but the +population of our street were so dull of apprehension, as to be quite +lost to a sense of the drollery of this proceeding: and the consequence +was, that our next-door neighbour was obliged to tell the single +gentleman, that unless he gave up entertaining his friends at home, he +really must be compelled to part with him. + +The single gentleman received the remonstrance with great good-humour, +and promised from that time forward, to spend his evenings at a +coffee-house--a determination which afforded general and unmixed +satisfaction. + +The next night passed off very well, everybody being delighted with the +change; but on the next, the noises were renewed with greater spirit than +ever. The single gentleman's friends being unable to see him in his own +house every alternate night, had come to the determination of seeing him +home every night; and what with the discordant greetings of the friends +at parting, and the noise created by the single gentleman in his passage +up-stairs, and his subsequent struggles to get his boots off, the evil +was not to be borne. So, our next-door neighbour gave the single +gentleman, who was a very good lodger in other respects, notice to quit; +and the single gentleman went away, and entertained his friends in other +lodgings. + +The next applicant for the vacant first floor, was of a very different +character from the troublesome single gentleman who had just quitted it. +He was a tall, thin, young gentleman, with a profusion of brown hair, +reddish whiskers, and very slightly developed moustaches. He wore a +braided surtout, with frogs behind, light grey trousers, and wash-leather +gloves, and had altogether rather a military appearance. So unlike the +roystering single gentleman. Such insinuating manners, and such a +delightful address! So seriously disposed, too! When he first came to +look at the lodgings, he inquired most particularly whether he was sure +to be able to get a seat in the parish church; and when he had agreed to +take them, he requested to have a list of the different local charities, +as he intended to subscribe his mite to the most deserving among them. + +Our next-door neighbour was now perfectly happy. He had got a lodger at +last, of just his own way of thinking--a serious, well-disposed man, who +abhorred gaiety, and loved retirement. He took down the bill with a +light heart, and pictured in imagination a long series of quiet Sundays, +on which he and his lodger would exchange mutual civilities and Sunday +papers. + +The serious man arrived, and his luggage was to arrive from the country +next morning. He borrowed a clean shirt, and a prayer-book, from our +next-door neighbour, and retired to rest at an early hour, requesting +that he might be called punctually at ten o'clock next morning--not +before, as he was much fatigued. + +He _was_ called, and did not answer: he was called again, but there was +no reply. Our next-door neighbour became alarmed, and burst the door +open. The serious man had left the house mysteriously; carrying with him +the shirt, the prayer-book, a teaspoon, and the bedclothes. + +Whether this occurrence, coupled with the irregularities of his former +lodger, gave our next-door neighbour an aversion to single gentlemen, we +know not; we only know that the next bill which made its appearance in +the parlour window intimated generally, that there were furnished +apartments to let on the first floor. The bill was soon removed. The +new lodgers at first attracted our curiosity, and afterwards excited our +interest. + +They were a young lad of eighteen or nineteen, and his mother, a lady of +about fifty, or it might be less. The mother wore a widow's weeds, and +the boy was also clothed in deep mourning. They were poor--very poor; +for their only means of support arose from the pittance the boy earned, +by copying writings, and translating for booksellers. + +They had removed from some country place and settled in London; partly +because it afforded better chances of employment for the boy, and partly, +perhaps, with the natural desire to leave a place where they had been in +better circumstances, and where their poverty was known. They were proud +under their reverses, and above revealing their wants and privations to +strangers. How bitter those privations were, and how hard the boy worked +to remove them, no one ever knew but themselves. Night after night, two, +three, four hours after midnight, could we hear the occasional raking up +of the scanty fire, or the hollow and half-stifled cough, which indicated +his being still at work; and day after day, could we see more plainly +that nature had set that unearthly light in his plaintive face, which is +the beacon of her worst disease. + +Actuated, we hope, by a higher feeling than mere curiosity, we contrived +to establish, first an acquaintance, and then a close intimacy, with the +poor strangers. Our worst fears were realised; the boy was sinking fast. +Through a part of the winter, and the whole of the following spring and +summer, his labours were unceasingly prolonged: and the mother attempted +to procure needle-work, embroidery--anything for bread. + +A few shillings now and then, were all she could earn. The boy worked +steadily on; dying by minutes, but never once giving utterance to +complaint or murmur. + +One beautiful autumn evening we went to pay our customary visit to the +invalid. His little remaining strength had been decreasing rapidly for +two or three days preceding, and he was lying on the sofa at the open +window, gazing at the setting sun. His mother had been reading the Bible +to him, for she closed the book as we entered, and advanced to meet us. + +'I was telling William,' she said, 'that we must manage to take him into +the country somewhere, so that he may get quite well. He is not ill, you +know, but he is not very strong, and has exerted himself too much +lately.' Poor thing! The tears that streamed through her fingers, as +she turned aside, as if to adjust her close widow's cap, too plainly +showed how fruitless was the attempt to deceive herself. + +We sat down by the head of the sofa, but said nothing, for we saw the +breath of life was passing gently but rapidly from the young form before +us. At every respiration, his heart beat more slowly. + +The boy placed one hand in ours, grasped his mother's arm with the other, +drew her hastily towards him, and fervently kissed her cheek. There was +a pause. He sunk back upon his pillow, and looked long and earnestly in +his mother's face. + +'William, William!' murmured the mother, after a long interval, 'don't +look at me so--speak to me, dear!' + +The boy smiled languidly, but an instant afterwards his features resolved +into the same cold, solemn gaze. + +'William, dear William! rouse yourself; don't look at me so, love--pray +don't! Oh, my God! what shall I do!' cried the widow, clasping her hands +in agony--'my dear boy! he is dying!' The boy raised himself by a +violent effort, and folded his hands together--'Mother! dear, dear +mother, bury me in the open fields--anywhere but in these dreadful +streets. I should like to be where you can see my grave, but not in +these close crowded streets; they have killed me; kiss me again, mother; +put your arm round my neck--' + +He fell back, and a strange expression stole upon his features; not of +pain or suffering, but an indescribable fixing of every line and muscle. + +The boy was dead. + + + + +SCENES + + +CHAPTER I--THE STREETS--MORNING + + +The appearance presented by the streets of London an hour before sunrise, +on a summer's morning, is most striking even to the few whose unfortunate +pursuits of pleasure, or scarcely less unfortunate pursuits of business, +cause them to be well acquainted with the scene. There is an air of +cold, solitary desolation about the noiseless streets which we are +accustomed to see thronged at other times by a busy, eager crowd, and +over the quiet, closely-shut buildings, which throughout the day are +swarming with life and bustle, that is very impressive. + +The last drunken man, who shall find his way home before sunlight, has +just staggered heavily along, roaring out the burden of the drinking song +of the previous night: the last houseless vagrant whom penury and police +have left in the streets, has coiled up his chilly limbs in some paved +comer, to dream of food and warmth. The drunken, the dissipated, and the +wretched have disappeared; the more sober and orderly part of the +population have not yet awakened to the labours of the day, and the +stillness of death is over the streets; its very hue seems to be imparted +to them, cold and lifeless as they look in the grey, sombre light of +daybreak. The coach-stands in the larger thoroughfares are deserted: the +night-houses are closed; and the chosen promenades of profligate misery +are empty. + +An occasional policeman may alone be seen at the street corners, +listlessly gazing on the deserted prospect before him; and now and then a +rakish-looking cat runs stealthily across the road and descends his own +area with as much caution and slyness--bounding first on the water-butt, +then on the dust-hole, and then alighting on the flag-stones--as if he +were conscious that his character depended on his gallantry of the +preceding night escaping public observation. A partially opened +bedroom-window here and there, bespeaks the heat of the weather, and the +uneasy slumbers of its occupant; and the dim scanty flicker of the +rushlight, through the window-blind, denotes the chamber of watching or +sickness. With these few exceptions, the streets present no signs of +life, nor the houses of habitation. + +An hour wears away; the spires of the churches and roofs of the principal +buildings are faintly tinged with the light of the rising sun; and the +streets, by almost imperceptible degrees, begin to resume their bustle +and animation. Market-carts roll slowly along: the sleepy waggoner +impatiently urging on his tired horses, or vainly endeavouring to awaken +the boy, who, luxuriously stretched on the top of the fruit-baskets, +forgets, in happy oblivion, his long-cherished curiosity to behold the +wonders of London. + +Rough, sleepy-looking animals of strange appearance, something between +ostlers and hackney-coachmen, begin to take down the shutters of early +public-houses; and little deal tables, with the ordinary preparations for +a street breakfast, make their appearance at the customary stations. +Numbers of men and women (principally the latter), carrying upon their +heads heavy baskets of fruit, toil down the park side of Piccadilly, on +their way to Covent-garden, and, following each other in rapid +succession, form a long straggling line from thence to the turn of the +road at Knightsbridge. + +Here and there, a bricklayer's labourer, with the day's dinner tied up in +a handkerchief, walks briskly to his work, and occasionally a little knot +of three or four schoolboys on a stolen bathing expedition rattle merrily +over the pavement, their boisterous mirth contrasting forcibly with the +demeanour of the little sweep, who, having knocked and rung till his arm +aches, and being interdicted by a merciful legislature from endangering +his lungs by calling out, sits patiently down on the door-step, until the +housemaid may happen to awake. + +Covent-garden market, and the avenues leading to it, are thronged with +carts of all sorts, sizes, and descriptions, from the heavy lumbering +waggon, with its four stout horses, to the jingling costermonger's cart, +with its consumptive donkey. The pavement is already strewed with +decayed cabbage-leaves, broken hay-bands, and all the indescribable +litter of a vegetable market; men are shouting, carts backing, horses +neighing, boys fighting, basket-women talking, piemen expatiating on the +excellence of their pastry, and donkeys braying. These and a hundred +other sounds form a compound discordant enough to a Londoner's ears, and +remarkably disagreeable to those of country gentlemen who are sleeping at +the Hummums for the first time. + +Another hour passes away, and the day begins in good earnest. The +servant of all work, who, under the plea of sleeping very soundly, has +utterly disregarded 'Missis's' ringing for half an hour previously, is +warned by Master (whom Missis has sent up in his drapery to the +landing-place for that purpose), that it's half-past six, whereupon she +awakes all of a sudden, with well-feigned astonishment, and goes +down-stairs very sulkily, wishing, while she strikes a light, that the +principle of spontaneous combustion would extend itself to coals and +kitchen range. When the fire is lighted, she opens the street-door to +take in the milk, when, by the most singular coincidence in the world, +she discovers that the servant next door has just taken in her milk too, +and that Mr. Todd's young man over the way, is, by an equally +extraordinary chance, taking down his master's shutters. The inevitable +consequence is, that she just steps, milk-jug in hand, as far as next +door, just to say 'good morning' to Betsy Clark, and that Mr. Todd's +young man just steps over the way to say 'good morning' to both of 'em; +and as the aforesaid Mr. Todd's young man is almost as good-looking and +fascinating as the baker himself, the conversation quickly becomes very +interesting, and probably would become more so, if Betsy Clark's Missis, +who always will be a-followin' her about, didn't give an angry tap at her +bedroom window, on which Mr. Todd's young man tries to whistle coolly, as +he goes back to his shop much faster than he came from it; and the two +girls run back to their respective places, and shut their street-doors +with surprising softness, each of them poking their heads out of the +front parlour window, a minute afterwards, however, ostensibly with the +view of looking at the mail which just then passes by, but really for the +purpose of catching another glimpse of Mr. Todd's young man, who being +fond of mails, but more of females, takes a short look at the mails, and +a long look at the girls, much to the satisfaction of all parties +concerned. + +The mail itself goes on to the coach-office in due course, and the +passengers who are going out by the early coach, stare with astonishment +at the passengers who are coming in by the early coach, who look blue and +dismal, and are evidently under the influence of that odd feeling +produced by travelling, which makes the events of yesterday morning seem +as if they had happened at least six months ago, and induces people to +wonder with considerable gravity whether the friends and relations they +took leave of a fortnight before, have altered much since they have left +them. The coach-office is all alive, and the coaches which are just +going out, are surrounded by the usual crowd of Jews and nondescripts, +who seem to consider, Heaven knows why, that it is quite impossible any +man can mount a coach without requiring at least sixpenny-worth of +oranges, a penknife, a pocket-book, a last year's annual, a pencil-case, +a piece of sponge, and a small series of caricatures. + +Half an hour more, and the sun darts his bright rays cheerfully down the +still half-empty streets, and shines with sufficient force to rouse the +dismal laziness of the apprentice, who pauses every other minute from his +task of sweeping out the shop and watering the pavement in front of it, +to tell another apprentice similarly employed, how hot it will be to-day, +or to stand with his right hand shading his eyes, and his left resting on +the broom, gazing at the 'Wonder,' or the 'Tally-ho,' or the 'Nimrod,' or +some other fast coach, till it is out of sight, when he re-enters the +shop, envying the passengers on the outside of the fast coach, and +thinking of the old red brick house 'down in the country,' where he went +to school: the miseries of the milk and water, and thick bread and +scrapings, fading into nothing before the pleasant recollection of the +green field the boys used to play in, and the green pond he was caned for +presuming to fall into, and other schoolboy associations. + +Cabs, with trunks and band-boxes between the drivers' legs and outside +the apron, rattle briskly up and down the streets on their way to the +coach-offices or steam-packet wharfs; and the cab-drivers and +hackney-coachmen who are on the stand polish up the ornamental part of +their dingy vehicles--the former wondering how people can prefer 'them +wild beast cariwans of homnibuses, to a riglar cab with a fast trotter,' +and the latter admiring how people can trust their necks into one of +'them crazy cabs, when they can have a 'spectable 'ackney cotche with a +pair of 'orses as von't run away with no vun;' a consolation +unquestionably founded on fact, seeing that a hackney-coach horse never +was known to run at all, 'except,' as the smart cabman in front of the +rank observes, 'except one, and _he_ run back'ards.' + +The shops are now completely opened, and apprentices and shopmen are +busily engaged in cleaning and decking the windows for the day. The +bakers' shops in town are filled with servants and children waiting for +the drawing of the first batch of rolls--an operation which was performed +a full hour ago in the suburbs: for the early clerk population of Somers +and Camden towns, Islington, and Pentonville, are fast pouring into the +city, or directing their steps towards Chancery-lane and the Inns of +Court. Middle-aged men, whose salaries have by no means increased in the +same proportion as their families, plod steadily along, apparently with +no object in view but the counting-house; knowing by sight almost +everybody they meet or overtake, for they have seen them every morning +(Sunday excepted) during the last twenty years, but speaking to no one. +If they do happen to overtake a personal acquaintance, they just exchange +a hurried salutation, and keep walking on either by his side, or in front +of him, as his rate of walking may chance to be. As to stopping to shake +hands, or to take the friend's arm, they seem to think that as it is not +included in their salary, they have no right to do it. Small office lads +in large hats, who are made men before they are boys, hurry along in +pairs, with their first coat carefully brushed, and the white trousers of +last Sunday plentifully besmeared with dust and ink. It evidently +requires a considerable mental struggle to avoid investing part of the +day's dinner-money in the purchase of the stale tarts so temptingly +exposed in dusty tins at the pastry-cooks' doors; but a consciousness of +their own importance and the receipt of seven shillings a-week, with the +prospect of an early rise to eight, comes to their aid, and they +accordingly put their hats a little more on one side, and look under the +bonnets of all the milliners' and stay-makers' apprentices they +meet--poor girls!--the hardest worked, the worst paid, and too often, the +worst used class of the community. + +Eleven o'clock, and a new set of people fill the streets. The goods in +the shop-windows are invitingly arranged; the shopmen in their white +neckerchiefs and spruce coats, look as it they couldn't clean a window if +their lives depended on it; the carts have disappeared from +Covent-garden; the waggoners have returned, and the costermongers +repaired to their ordinary 'beats' in the suburbs; clerks are at their +offices, and gigs, cabs, omnibuses, and saddle-horses, are conveying +their masters to the same destination. The streets are thronged with a +vast concourse of people, gay and shabby, rich and poor, idle and +industrious; and we come to the heat, bustle, and activity of NOON. + + + +CHAPTER II--THE STREETS--NIGHT + + +But the streets of London, to be beheld in the very height of their +glory, should be seen on a dark, dull, murky winter's night, when there +is just enough damp gently stealing down to make the pavement greasy, +without cleansing it of any of its impurities; and when the heavy lazy +mist, which hangs over every object, makes the gas-lamps look brighter, +and the brilliantly-lighted shops more splendid, from the contrast they +present to the darkness around. All the people who are at home on such a +night as this, seem disposed to make themselves as snug and comfortable +as possible; and the passengers in the streets have excellent reason to +envy the fortunate individuals who are seated by their own firesides. + +In the larger and better kind of streets, dining parlour curtains are +closely drawn, kitchen fires blaze brightly up, and savoury steams of hot +dinners salute the nostrils of the hungry wayfarer, as he plods wearily +by the area railings. In the suburbs, the muffin boy rings his way down +the little street, much more slowly than he is wont to do; for Mrs. +Macklin, of No. 4, has no sooner opened her little street-door, and +screamed out 'Muffins!' with all her might, than Mrs. Walker, at No. 5, +puts her head out of the parlour-window, and screams 'Muffins!' too; and +Mrs. Walker has scarcely got the words out of her lips, than Mrs. Peplow, +over the way, lets loose Master Peplow, who darts down the street, with a +velocity which nothing but buttered muffins in perspective could possibly +inspire, and drags the boy back by main force, whereupon Mrs. Macklin and +Mrs. Walker, just to save the boy trouble, and to say a few neighbourly +words to Mrs. Peplow at the same time, run over the way and buy their +muffins at Mrs. Peplow's door, when it appears from the voluntary +statement of Mrs. Walker, that her 'kittle's jist a-biling, and the cups +and sarsers ready laid,' and that, as it was such a wretched night out o' +doors, she'd made up her mind to have a nice, hot, comfortable cup o' +tea--a determination at which, by the most singular coincidence, the +other two ladies had simultaneously arrived. + +After a little conversation about the wretchedness of the weather and the +merits of tea, with a digression relative to the viciousness of boys as a +rule, and the amiability of Master Peplow as an exception, Mrs. Walker +sees her husband coming down the street; and as he must want his tea, +poor man, after his dirty walk from the Docks, she instantly runs across, +muffins in hand, and Mrs. Macklin does the same, and after a few words to +Mrs. Walker, they all pop into their little houses, and slam their little +street-doors, which are not opened again for the remainder of the +evening, except to the nine o'clock 'beer,' who comes round with a +lantern in front of his tray, and says, as he lends Mrs. Walker +'Yesterday's 'Tiser,' that he's blessed if he can hardly hold the pot, +much less feel the paper, for it's one of the bitterest nights he ever +felt, 'cept the night when the man was frozen to death in the +Brick-field. + +After a little prophetic conversation with the policeman at the +street-corner, touching a probable change in the weather, and the +setting-in of a hard frost, the nine o'clock beer returns to his master's +house, and employs himself for the remainder of the evening, in +assiduously stirring the tap-room fire, and deferentially taking part in +the conversation of the worthies assembled round it. + +The streets in the vicinity of the Marsh-gate and Victoria Theatre +present an appearance of dirt and discomfort on such a night, which the +groups who lounge about them in no degree tend to diminish. Even the +little block-tin temple sacred to baked potatoes, surmounted by a +splendid design in variegated lamps, looks less gay than usual, and as to +the kidney-pie stand, its glory has quite departed. The candle in the +transparent lamp, manufactured of oil-paper, embellished with +'characters,' has been blown out fifty times, so the kidney-pie merchant, +tired with running backwards and forwards to the next wine-vaults, to get +a light, has given up the idea of illumination in despair, and the only +signs of his 'whereabout,' are the bright sparks, of which a long +irregular train is whirled down the street every time he opens his +portable oven to hand a hot kidney-pie to a customer. + +Flat-fish, oyster, and fruit vendors linger hopelessly in the kennel, in +vain endeavouring to attract customers; and the ragged boys who usually +disport themselves about the streets, stand crouched in little knots in +some projecting doorway, or under the canvas blind of a cheesemonger's, +where great flaring gas-lights, unshaded by any glass, display huge piles +of blight red and pale yellow cheeses, mingled with little fivepenny dabs +of dingy bacon, various tubs of weekly Dorset, and cloudy rolls of 'best +fresh.' + +Here they amuse themselves with theatrical converse, arising out of their +last half-price visit to the Victoria gallery, admire the terrific +combat, which is nightly encored, and expatiate on the inimitable manner +in which Bill Thompson can 'come the double monkey,' or go through the +mysterious involutions of a sailor's hornpipe. + +It is nearly eleven o'clock, and the cold thin rain which has been +drizzling so long, is beginning to pour down in good earnest; the +baked-potato man has departed--the kidney-pie man has just walked away +with his warehouse on his arm--the cheesemonger has drawn in his blind, +and the boys have dispersed. The constant clicking of pattens on the +slippy and uneven pavement, and the rustling of umbrellas, as the wind +blows against the shop-windows, bear testimony to the inclemency of the +night; and the policeman, with his oilskin cape buttoned closely round +him, seems as he holds his hat on his head, and turns round to avoid the +gust of wind and rain which drives against him at the street-corner, to +be very far from congratulating himself on the prospect before him. + +The little chandler's shop with the cracked bell behind the door, whose +melancholy tinkling has been regulated by the demand for quarterns of +sugar and half-ounces of coffee, is shutting up. The crowds which have +been passing to and fro during the whole day, are rapidly dwindling away; +and the noise of shouting and quarrelling which issues from the +public-houses, is almost the only sound that breaks the melancholy +stillness of the night. + +There was another, but it has ceased. That wretched woman with the +infant in her arms, round whose meagre form the remnant of her own scanty +shawl is carefully wrapped, has been attempting to sing some popular +ballad, in the hope of wringing a few pence from the compassionate +passer-by. A brutal laugh at her weak voice is all she has gained. The +tears fall thick and fast down her own pale face; the child is cold and +hungry, and its low half-stifled wailing adds to the misery of its +wretched mother, as she moans aloud, and sinks despairingly down, on a +cold damp door-step. + +Singing! How few of those who pass such a miserable creature as this, +think of the anguish of heart, the sinking of soul and spirit, which the +very effort of singing produces. Bitter mockery! Disease, neglect, and +starvation, faintly articulating the words of the joyous ditty, that has +enlivened your hours of feasting and merriment, God knows how often! It +is no subject of jeering. The weak tremulous voice tells a fearful tale +of want and famishing; and the feeble singer of this roaring song may +turn away, only to die of cold and hunger. + +One o'clock! Parties returning from the different theatres foot it +through the muddy streets; cabs, hackney-coaches, carriages, and theatre +omnibuses, roll swiftly by; watermen with dim dirty lanterns in their +hands, and large brass plates upon their breasts, who have been shouting +and rushing about for the last two hours, retire to their +watering-houses, to solace themselves with the creature comforts of pipes +and purl; the half-price pit and box frequenters of the theatres throng +to the different houses of refreshment; and chops, kidneys, rabbits, +oysters, stout, cigars, and 'goes' innumerable, are served up amidst a +noise and confusion of smoking, running, knife-clattering, and +waiter-chattering, perfectly indescribable. + +The more musical portion of the play-going community betake themselves to +some harmonic meeting. As a matter of curiosity let us follow them +thither for a few moments. + +In a lofty room of spacious dimensions, are seated some eighty or a +hundred guests knocking little pewter measures on the tables, and +hammering away, with the handles of their knives, as if they were so many +trunk-makers. They are applauding a glee, which has just been executed +by the three 'professional gentlemen' at the top of the centre table, one +of whom is in the chair--the little pompous man with the bald head just +emerging from the collar of his green coat. The others are seated on +either side of him--the stout man with the small voice, and the +thin-faced dark man in black. The little man in the chair is a most +amusing personage,--such condescending grandeur, and _such_ a voice! + +'Bass!' as the young gentleman near us with the blue stock forcibly +remarks to his companion, 'bass! I b'lieve you; he can go down lower +than any man: so low sometimes that you can't hear him.' And so he does. +To hear him growling away, gradually lower and lower down, till he can't +get back again, is the most delightful thing in the world, and it is +quite impossible to witness unmoved the impressive solemnity with which +he pours forth his soul in 'My 'art's in the 'ighlands,' or 'The brave +old Hoak.' The stout man is also addicted to sentimentality, and warbles +'Fly, fly from the world, my Bessy, with me,' or some such song, with +lady-like sweetness, and in the most seductive tones imaginable. + +'Pray give your orders, gen'l'm'n--pray give your orders,'--says the +pale-faced man with the red head; and demands for 'goes' of gin and +'goes' of brandy, and pints of stout, and cigars of peculiar mildness, +are vociferously made from all parts of the room. The 'professional +gentlemen' are in the very height of their glory, and bestow +condescending nods, or even a word or two of recognition, on the +better-known frequenters of the room, in the most bland and patronising +manner possible. + +The little round-faced man, with the small brown surtout, white stockings +and shoes, is in the comic line; the mixed air of self-denial, and mental +consciousness of his own powers, with which he acknowledges the call of +the chair, is particularly gratifying. 'Gen'l'men,' says the little +pompous man, accompanying the word with a knock of the president's hammer +on the table--'Gen'l'men, allow me to claim your attention--our friend, +Mr. Smuggins, will oblige.'--'Bravo!' shout the company; and Smuggins, +after a considerable quantity of coughing by way of symphony, and a most +facetious sniff or two, which afford general delight, sings a comic song, +with a fal-de-ral--tol-de-ral chorus at the end of every verse, much +longer than the verse itself. It is received with unbounded applause, +and after some aspiring genius has volunteered a recitation, and failed +dismally therein, the little pompous man gives another knock, and says +'Gen'l'men, we will attempt a glee, if you please.' This announcement +calls forth tumultuous applause, and the more energetic spirits express +the unqualified approbation it affords them, by knocking one or two stout +glasses off their legs--a humorous device; but one which frequently +occasions some slight altercation when the form of paying the damage is +proposed to be gone through by the waiter. + +Scenes like these are continued until three or four o'clock in the +morning; and even when they close, fresh ones open to the inquisitive +novice. But as a description of all of them, however slight, would +require a volume, the contents of which, however instructive, would be by +no means pleasing, we make our bow, and drop the curtain. + + + +CHAPTER III--SHOPS AND THEIR TENANTS + + +What inexhaustible food for speculation, do the streets of London afford! +We never were able to agree with Sterne in pitying the man who could +travel from Dan to Beersheba, and say that all was barren; we have not +the slightest commiseration for the man who can take up his hat and +stick, and walk from Covent-garden to St. Paul's Churchyard, and back +into the bargain, without deriving some amusement--we had almost said +instruction--from his perambulation. And yet there are such beings: we +meet them every day. Large black stocks and light waistcoats, jet canes +and discontented countenances, are the characteristics of the race; other +people brush quickly by you, steadily plodding on to business, or +cheerfully running after pleasure. These men linger listlessly past, +looking as happy and animated as a policeman on duty. Nothing seems to +make an impression on their minds: nothing short of being knocked down by +a porter, or run over by a cab, will disturb their equanimity. You will +meet them on a fine day in any of the leading thoroughfares: peep through +the window of a west-end cigar shop in the evening, if you can manage to +get a glimpse between the blue curtains which intercept the vulgar gaze, +and you see them in their only enjoyment of existence. There they are +lounging about, on round tubs and pipe boxes, in all the dignity of +whiskers, and gilt watch-guards; whispering soft nothings to the young +lady in amber, with the large ear-rings, who, as she sits behind the +counter in a blaze of adoration and gas-light, is the admiration of all +the female servants in the neighbourhood, and the envy of every +milliner's apprentice within two miles round. + +One of our principal amusements is to watch the gradual progress--the +rise or fall--of particular shops. We have formed an intimate +acquaintance with several, in different parts of town, and are perfectly +acquainted with their whole history. We could name off-hand, twenty at +least, which we are quite sure have paid no taxes for the last six years. +They are never inhabited for more than two months consecutively, and, we +verily believe, have witnessed every retail trade in the directory. + +There is one, whose history is a sample of the rest, in whose fate we +have taken especial interest, having had the pleasure of knowing it ever +since it has been a shop. It is on the Surrey side of the water--a +little distance beyond the Marsh-gate. It was originally a substantial, +good-looking private house enough; the landlord got into difficulties, +the house got into Chancery, the tenant went away, and the house went to +ruin. At this period our acquaintance with it commenced; the paint was +all worn off; the windows were broken, the area was green with neglect +and the overflowings of the water-butt; the butt itself was without a +lid, and the street-door was the very picture of misery. The chief +pastime of the children in the vicinity had been to assemble in a body on +the steps, and to take it in turn to knock loud double knocks at the +door, to the great satisfaction of the neighbours generally, and +especially of the nervous old lady next door but one. Numerous +complaints were made, and several small basins of water discharged over +the offenders, but without effect. In this state of things, the +marine-store dealer at the corner of the street, in the most obliging +manner took the knocker off, and sold it: and the unfortunate house +looked more wretched than ever. + +We deserted our friend for a few weeks. What was our surprise, on our +return, to find no trace of its existence! In its place was a handsome +shop, fast approaching to a state of completion, and on the shutters were +large bills, informing the public that it would shortly be opened with +'an extensive stock of linen-drapery and haberdashery.' It opened in due +course; there was the name of the proprietor 'and Co.' in gilt letters, +almost too dazzling to look at. Such ribbons and shawls! and two such +elegant young men behind the counter, each in a clean collar and white +neckcloth, like the lover in a farce. As to the proprietor, he did +nothing but walk up and down the shop, and hand seats to the ladies, and +hold important conversations with the handsomest of the young men, who +was shrewdly suspected by the neighbours to be the 'Co.' We saw all this +with sorrow; we felt a fatal presentiment that the shop was doomed--and +so it was. Its decay was slow, but sure. Tickets gradually appeared in +the windows; then rolls of flannel, with labels on them, were stuck +outside the door; then a bill was pasted on the street-door, intimating +that the first floor was to let unfurnished; then one of the young men +disappeared altogether, and the other took to a black neckerchief, and +the proprietor took to drinking. The shop became dirty, broken panes of +glass remained unmended, and the stock disappeared piecemeal. At last +the company's man came to cut off the water, and then the linen-draper +cut off himself, leaving the landlord his compliments and the key. + +The next occupant was a fancy stationer. The shop was more modestly +painted than before, still it was neat; but somehow we always thought, as +we passed, that it looked like a poor and struggling concern. We wished +the man well, but we trembled for his success. He was a widower +evidently, and had employment elsewhere, for he passed us every morning +on his road to the city. The business was carried on by his eldest +daughter. Poor girl! she needed no assistance. We occasionally caught a +glimpse of two or three children, in mourning like herself, as they sat +in the little parlour behind the shop; and we never passed at night +without seeing the eldest girl at work, either for them, or in making +some elegant little trifle for sale. We often thought, as her pale face +looked more sad and pensive in the dim candle-light, that if those +thoughtless females who interfere with the miserable market of poor +creatures such as these, knew but one-half of the misery they suffer, and +the bitter privations they endure, in their honourable attempts to earn a +scanty subsistence, they would, perhaps, resign even opportunities for +the gratification of vanity, and an immodest love of self-display, rather +than drive them to a last dreadful resource, which it would shock the +delicate feelings of these _charitable_ ladies to hear named. + +But we are forgetting the shop. Well, we continued to watch it, and +every day showed too clearly the increasing poverty of its inmates. The +children were clean, it is true, but their clothes were threadbare and +shabby; no tenant had been procured for the upper part of the house, from +the letting of which, a portion of the means of paying the rent was to +have been derived, and a slow, wasting consumption prevented the eldest +girl from continuing her exertions. Quarter-day arrived. The landlord +had suffered from the extravagance of his last tenant, and he had no +compassion for the struggles of his successor; he put in an execution. +As we passed one morning, the broker's men were removing the little +furniture there was in the house, and a newly-posted bill informed us it +was again 'To Let.' What became of the last tenant we never could learn; +we believe the girl is past all suffering, and beyond all sorrow. God +help her! We hope she is. + +We were somewhat curious to ascertain what would be the next stage--for +that the place had no chance of succeeding now, was perfectly clear. The +bill was soon taken down, and some alterations were being made in the +interior of the shop. We were in a fever of expectation; we exhausted +conjecture--we imagined all possible trades, none of which were perfectly +reconcilable with our idea of the gradual decay of the tenement. It +opened, and we wondered why we had not guessed at the real state of the +case before. The shop--not a large one at the best of times--had been +converted into two: one was a bonnet-shape maker's, the other was opened +by a tobacconist, who also dealt in walking-sticks and Sunday newspapers; +the two were separated by a thin partition, covered with tawdry striped +paper. + +The tobacconist remained in possession longer than any tenant within our +recollection. He was a red-faced, impudent, good-for-nothing dog, +evidently accustomed to take things as they came, and to make the best of +a bad job. He sold as many cigars as he could, and smoked the rest. He +occupied the shop as long as he could make peace with the landlord, and +when he could no longer live in quiet, he very coolly locked the door, +and bolted himself. From this period, the two little dens have undergone +innumerable changes. The tobacconist was succeeded by a theatrical +hair-dresser, who ornamented the window with a great variety of +'characters,' and terrific combats. The bonnet-shape maker gave place to +a greengrocer, and the histrionic barber was succeeded, in his turn, by a +tailor. So numerous have been the changes, that we have of late done +little more than mark the peculiar but certain indications of a house +being poorly inhabited. It has been progressing by almost imperceptible +degrees. The occupiers of the shops have gradually given up room after +room, until they have only reserved the little parlour for themselves. +First there appeared a brass plate on the private door, with 'Ladies' +School' legibly engraved thereon; shortly afterwards we observed a second +brass plate, then a bell, and then another bell. + +When we paused in front of our old friend, and observed these signs of +poverty, which are not to be mistaken, we thought as we turned away, that +the house had attained its lowest pitch of degradation. We were wrong. +When we last passed it, a 'dairy' was established in the area, and a +party of melancholy-looking fowls were amusing themselves by running in +at the front door, and out at the back one. + + + +CHAPTER IV--SCOTLAND-YARD + + +Scotland-yard is a small--a very small-tract of land, bounded on one side +by the river Thames, on the other by the gardens of Northumberland House: +abutting at one end on the bottom of Northumberland-street, at the other +on the back of Whitehall-place. When this territory was first +accidentally discovered by a country gentleman who lost his way in the +Strand, some years ago, the original settlers were found to be a tailor, +a publican, two eating-house keepers, and a fruit-pie maker; and it was +also found to contain a race of strong and bulky men, who repaired to the +wharfs in Scotland-yard regularly every morning, about five or six +o'clock, to fill heavy waggons with coal, with which they proceeded to +distant places up the country, and supplied the inhabitants with fuel. +When they had emptied their waggons, they again returned for a fresh +supply; and this trade was continued throughout the year. + +As the settlers derived their subsistence from ministering to the wants +of these primitive traders, the articles exposed for sale, and the places +where they were sold, bore strong outward marks of being expressly +adapted to their tastes and wishes. The tailor displayed in his window a +Lilliputian pair of leather gaiters, and a diminutive round frock, while +each doorpost was appropriately garnished with a model of a coal-sack. +The two eating-house keepers exhibited joints of a magnitude, and +puddings of a solidity, which coalheavers alone could appreciate; and the +fruit-pie maker displayed on his well-scrubbed window-board large white +compositions of flour and dripping, ornamented with pink stains, giving +rich promise of the fruit within, which made their huge mouths water, as +they lingered past. + +But the choicest spot in all Scotland-yard was the old public-house in +the corner. Here, in a dark wainscoted-room of ancient appearance, +cheered by the glow of a mighty fire, and decorated with an enormous +clock, whereof the face was white, and the figures black, sat the lusty +coalheavers, quaffing large draughts of Barclay's best, and puffing forth +volumes of smoke, which wreathed heavily above their heads, and involved +the room in a thick dark cloud. From this apartment might their voices +be heard on a winter's night, penetrating to the very bank of the river, +as they shouted out some sturdy chorus, or roared forth the burden of a +popular song; dwelling upon the last few words with a strength and length +of emphasis which made the very roof tremble above them. + +Here, too, would they tell old legends of what the Thames was in ancient +times, when the Patent Shot Manufactory wasn't built, and Waterloo-bridge +had never been thought of; and then they would shake their heads with +portentous looks, to the deep edification of the rising generation of +heavers, who crowded round them, and wondered where all this would end; +whereat the tailor would take his pipe solemnly from his mouth, and say, +how that he hoped it might end well, but he very much doubted whether it +would or not, and couldn't rightly tell what to make of it--a mysterious +expression of opinion, delivered with a semi-prophetic air, which never +failed to elicit the fullest concurrence of the assembled company; and so +they would go on drinking and wondering till ten o'clock came, and with +it the tailor's wife to fetch him home, when the little party broke up, +to meet again in the same room, and say and do precisely the same things, +on the following evening at the same hour. + +About this time the barges that came up the river began to bring vague +rumours to Scotland-yard of somebody in the city having been heard to +say, that the Lord Mayor had threatened in so many words to pull down the +old London-bridge, and build up a new one. At first these rumours were +disregarded as idle tales, wholly destitute of foundation, for nobody in +Scotland-yard doubted that if the Lord Mayor contemplated any such dark +design, he would just be clapped up in the Tower for a week or two, and +then killed off for high treason. + +By degrees, however, the reports grew stronger, and more frequent, and at +last a barge, laden with numerous chaldrons of the best Wallsend, brought +up the positive intelligence that several of the arches of the old bridge +were stopped, and that preparations were actually in progress for +constructing the new one. What an excitement was visible in the old +tap-room on that memorable night! Each man looked into his neighbour's +face, pale with alarm and astonishment, and read therein an echo of the +sentiments which filled his own breast. The oldest heaver present proved +to demonstration, that the moment the piers were removed, all the water +in the Thames would run clean off, and leave a dry gully in its place. +What was to become of the coal-barges--of the trade of Scotland-yard--of +the very existence of its population? The tailor shook his head more +sagely than usual, and grimly pointing to a knife on the table, bid them +wait and see what happened. He said nothing--not he; but if the Lord +Mayor didn't fall a victim to popular indignation, why he would be rather +astonished; that was all. + +They did wait; barge after barge arrived, and still no tidings of the +assassination of the Lord Mayor. The first stone was laid: it was done +by a Duke--the King's brother. Years passed away, and the bridge was +opened by the King himself. In course of time, the piers were removed; +and when the people in Scotland-yard got up next morning in the confident +expectation of being able to step over to Pedlar's Acre without wetting +the soles of their shoes, they found to their unspeakable astonishment +that the water was just where it used to be. + +A result so different from that which they had anticipated from this +first improvement, produced its full effect upon the inhabitants of +Scotland-yard. One of the eating-house keepers began to court public +opinion, and to look for customers among a new class of people. He +covered his little dining-tables with white cloths, and got a painter's +apprentice to inscribe something about hot joints from twelve to two, in +one of the little panes of his shop-window. Improvement began to march +with rapid strides to the very threshold of Scotland-yard. A new market +sprung up at Hungerford, and the Police Commissioners established their +office in Whitehall-place. The traffic in Scotland-yard increased; fresh +Members were added to the House of Commons, the Metropolitan +Representatives found it a near cut, and many other foot passengers +followed their example. + +We marked the advance of civilisation, and beheld it with a sigh. The +eating-house keeper who manfully resisted the innovation of table-cloths, +was losing ground every day, as his opponent gained it, and a deadly feud +sprung up between them. The genteel one no longer took his evening's +pint in Scotland-yard, but drank gin and water at a 'parlour' in +Parliament-street. The fruit-pie maker still continued to visit the old +room, but he took to smoking cigars, and began to call himself a +pastrycook, and to read the papers. The old heavers still assembled +round the ancient fireplace, but their talk was mournful: and the loud +song and the joyous shout were heard no more. + +And what is Scotland-yard now? How have its old customs changed; and how +has the ancient simplicity of its inhabitants faded away! The old +tottering public-house is converted into a spacious and lofty +'wine-vaults;' gold leaf has been used in the construction of the letters +which emblazon its exterior, and the poet's art has been called into +requisition, to intimate that if you drink a certain description of ale, +you must hold fast by the rail. The tailor exhibits in his window the +pattern of a foreign-looking brown surtout, with silk buttons, a fur +collar, and fur cuffs. He wears a stripe down the outside of each leg of +his trousers: and we have detected his assistants (for he has assistants +now) in the act of sitting on the shop-board in the same uniform. + +At the other end of the little row of houses a boot-maker has established +himself in a brick box, with the additional innovation of a first floor; +and here he exposes for sale, boots--real Wellington boots--an article +which a few years ago, none of the original inhabitants had ever seen or +heard of. It was but the other day, that a dress-maker opened another +little box in the middle of the row; and, when we thought that the spirit +of change could produce no alteration beyond that, a jeweller appeared, +and not content with exposing gilt rings and copper bracelets out of +number, put up an announcement, which still sticks in his window, that +'ladies' ears may be pierced within.' The dress-maker employs a young +lady who wears pockets in her apron; and the tailor informs the public +that gentlemen may have their own materials made up. + +Amidst all this change, and restlessness, and innovation, there remains +but one old man, who seems to mourn the downfall of this ancient place. +He holds no converse with human kind, but, seated on a wooden bench at +the angle of the wall which fronts the crossing from Whitehall-place, +watches in silence the gambols of his sleek and well-fed dogs. He is the +presiding genius of Scotland-yard. Years and years have rolled over his +head; but, in fine weather or in foul, hot or cold, wet or dry, hail, +rain, or snow, he is still in his accustomed spot. Misery and want are +depicted in his countenance; his form is bent by age, his head is grey +with length of trial, but there he sits from day to day, brooding over +the past; and thither he will continue to drag his feeble limbs, until +his eyes have closed upon Scotland-yard, and upon the world together. + +A few years hence, and the antiquary of another generation looking into +some mouldy record of the strife and passions that agitated the world in +these times, may glance his eye over the pages we have just filled: and +not all his knowledge of the history of the past, not all his +black-letter lore, or his skill in book-collecting, not all the dry +studies of a long life, or the dusty volumes that have cost him a +fortune, may help him to the whereabouts, either of Scotland-yard, or of +any one of the landmarks we have mentioned in describing it. + + + +CHAPTER V--SEVEN DIALS + + +We have always been of opinion that if Tom King and the Frenchman had not +immortalised Seven Dials, Seven Dials would have immortalised itself. +Seven Dials! the region of song and poetry--first effusions, and last +dying speeches: hallowed by the names of Catnach and of Pitts--names that +will entwine themselves with costermongers, and barrel-organs, when penny +magazines shall have superseded penny yards of song, and capital +punishment be unknown! + +Look at the construction of the place. The Gordian knot was all very +well in its way: so was the maze of Hampton Court: so is the maze at the +Beulah Spa: so were the ties of stiff white neckcloths, when the +difficulty of getting one on, was only to be equalled by the apparent +impossibility of ever getting it off again. But what involutions can +compare with those of Seven Dials? Where is there such another maze of +streets, courts, lanes, and alleys? Where such a pure mixture of +Englishmen and Irishmen, as in this complicated part of London? We +boldly aver that we doubt the veracity of the legend to which we have +adverted. We _can_ suppose a man rash enough to inquire at random--at a +house with lodgers too--for a Mr. Thompson, with all but the certainty +before his eyes, of finding at least two or three Thompsons in any house +of moderate dimensions; but a Frenchman--a Frenchman in Seven Dials! +Pooh! He was an Irishman. Tom King's education had been neglected in +his infancy, and as he couldn't understand half the man said, he took it +for granted he was talking French. + +The stranger who finds himself in 'The Dials' for the first time, and +stands Belzoni-like, at the entrance of seven obscure passages, uncertain +which to take, will see enough around him to keep his curiosity and +attention awake for no inconsiderable time. From the irregular square +into which he has plunged, the streets and courts dart in all directions, +until they are lost in the unwholesome vapour which hangs over the +house-tops, and renders the dirty perspective uncertain and confined; and +lounging at every corner, as if they came there to take a few gasps of +such fresh air as has found its way so far, but is too much exhausted +already, to be enabled to force itself into the narrow alleys around, are +groups of people, whose appearance and dwellings would fill any mind but +a regular Londoner's with astonishment. + +On one side, a little crowd has collected round a couple of ladies, who +having imbibed the contents of various 'three-outs' of gin and bitters in +the course of the morning, have at length differed on some point of +domestic arrangement, and are on the eve of settling the quarrel +satisfactorily, by an appeal to blows, greatly to the interest of other +ladies who live in the same house, and tenements adjoining, and who are +all partisans on one side or other. + +'Vy don't you pitch into her, Sarah?' exclaims one half-dressed matron, +by way of encouragement. 'Vy don't you? if _my_ 'usband had treated her +with a drain last night, unbeknown to me, I'd tear her precious eyes +out--a wixen!' + +'What's the matter, ma'am?' inquires another old woman, who has just +bustled up to the spot. + +'Matter!' replies the first speaker, talking _at_ the obnoxious +combatant, 'matter! Here's poor dear Mrs. Sulliwin, as has five blessed +children of her own, can't go out a charing for one arternoon, but what +hussies must be a comin', and 'ticing avay her oun' 'usband, as she's +been married to twelve year come next Easter Monday, for I see the +certificate ven I vas a drinkin' a cup o' tea vith her, only the werry +last blessed Ven'sday as ever was sent. I 'appen'd to say promiscuously, +"Mrs. Sulliwin," says I--' + +'What do you mean by hussies?' interrupts a champion of the other party, +who has evinced a strong inclination throughout to get up a branch fight +on her own account ('Hooroar,' ejaculates a pot-boy in parenthesis, 'put +the kye-bosk on her, Mary!'), 'What do you mean by hussies?' reiterates +the champion. + +'Niver mind,' replies the opposition expressively, 'niver mind; _you_ go +home, and, ven you're quite sober, mend your stockings.' + +This somewhat personal allusion, not only to the lady's habits of +intemperance, but also to the state of her wardrobe, rouses her utmost +ire, and she accordingly complies with the urgent request of the +bystanders to 'pitch in,' with considerable alacrity. The scuffle became +general, and terminates, in minor play-bill phraseology, with 'arrival of +the policemen, interior of the station-house, and impressive +_denouement_.' + +In addition to the numerous groups who are idling about the gin-shops and +squabbling in the centre of the road, every post in the open space has +its occupant, who leans against it for hours, with listless perseverance. +It is odd enough that one class of men in London appear to have no +enjoyment beyond leaning against posts. We never saw a regular +bricklayer's labourer take any other recreation, fighting excepted. Pass +through St. Giles's in the evening of a week-day, there they are in their +fustian dresses, spotted with brick-dust and whitewash, leaning against +posts. Walk through Seven Dials on Sunday morning: there they are again, +drab or light corduroy trousers, Blucher boots, blue coats, and great +yellow waistcoats, leaning against posts. The idea of a man dressing +himself in his best clothes, to lean against a post all day! + +The peculiar character of these streets, and the close resemblance each +one bears to its neighbour, by no means tends to decrease the +bewilderment in which the unexperienced wayfarer through 'the Dials' +finds himself involved. He traverses streets of dirty, straggling +houses, with now and then an unexpected court composed of buildings as +ill-proportioned and deformed as the half-naked children that wallow in +the kennels. Here and there, a little dark chandler's shop, with a +cracked bell hung up behind the door to announce the entrance of a +customer, or betray the presence of some young gentleman in whom a +passion for shop tills has developed itself at an early age: others, as +if for support, against some handsome lofty building, which usurps the +place of a low dingy public-house; long rows of broken and patched +windows expose plants that may have flourished when 'the Dials' were +built, in vessels as dirty as 'the Dials' themselves; and shops for the +purchase of rags, bones, old iron, and kitchen-stuff, vie in cleanliness +with the bird-fanciers and rabbit-dealers, which one might fancy so many +arks, but for the irresistible conviction that no bird in its proper +senses, who was permitted to leave one of them, would ever come back +again. Brokers' shops, which would seem to have been established by +humane individuals, as refuges for destitute bugs, interspersed with +announcements of day-schools, penny theatres, petition-writers, mangles, +and music for balls or routs, complete the 'still life' of the subject; +and dirty men, filthy women, squalid children, fluttering shuttlecocks, +noisy battledores, reeking pipes, bad fruit, more than doubtful oysters, +attenuated cats, depressed dogs, and anatomical fowls, are its cheerful +accompaniments. + +If the external appearance of the houses, or a glance at their +inhabitants, present but few attractions, a closer acquaintance with +either is little calculated to alter one's first impression. Every room +has its separate tenant, and every tenant is, by the same mysterious +dispensation which causes a country curate to 'increase and multiply' +most marvellously, generally the head of a numerous family. + +The man in the shop, perhaps, is in the baked 'jemmy' line, or the +fire-wood and hearth-stone line, or any other line which requires a +floating capital of eighteen-pence or thereabouts: and he and his family +live in the shop, and the small back parlour behind it. Then there is an +Irish labourer and _his_ family in the back kitchen, and a jobbing +man--carpet-beater and so forth--with _his_ family in the front one. In +the front one-pair, there's another man with another wife and family, and +in the back one-pair, there's 'a young 'oman as takes in tambour-work, +and dresses quite genteel,' who talks a good deal about 'my friend,' and +can't 'a-bear anything low.' The second floor front, and the rest of the +lodgers, are just a second edition of the people below, except a +shabby-genteel man in the back attic, who has his half-pint of coffee +every morning from the coffee-shop next door but one, which boasts a +little front den called a coffee-room, with a fireplace, over which is an +inscription, politely requesting that, 'to prevent mistakes,' customers +will 'please to pay on delivery.' The shabby-genteel man is an object of +some mystery, but as he leads a life of seclusion, and never was known to +buy anything beyond an occasional pen, except half-pints of coffee, penny +loaves, and ha'porths of ink, his fellow-lodgers very naturally suppose +him to be an author; and rumours are current in the Dials, that he writes +poems for Mr. Warren. + +Now anybody who passed through the Dials on a hot summer's evening, and +saw the different women of the house gossiping on the steps, would be apt +to think that all was harmony among them, and that a more primitive set +of people than the native Diallers could not be imagined. Alas! the man +in the shop ill-treats his family; the carpet-beater extends his +professional pursuits to his wife; the one-pair front has an undying feud +with the two-pair front, in consequence of the two-pair front persisting +in dancing over his (the one-pair front's) head, when he and his family +have retired for the night; the two-pair back will interfere with the +front kitchen's children; the Irishman comes home drunk every other +night, and attacks everybody; and the one-pair back screams at +everything. Animosities spring up between floor and floor; the very +cellar asserts his equality. Mrs. A. 'smacks' Mrs. B.'s child for +'making faces.' Mrs. B. forthwith throws cold water over Mrs. A.'s child +for 'calling names.' The husbands are embroiled--the quarrel becomes +general--an assault is the consequence, and a police-officer the result. + + + +CHAPTER VI--MEDITATIONS IN MONMOUTH-STREET + + +We have always entertained a particular attachment towards +Monmouth-street, as the only true and real emporium for second-hand +wearing apparel. Monmouth-street is venerable from its antiquity, and +respectable from its usefulness. Holywell-street we despise; the +red-headed and red-whiskered Jews who forcibly haul you into their +squalid houses, and thrust you into a suit of clothes, whether you will +or not, we detest. + +The inhabitants of Monmouth-street are a distinct class; a peaceable and +retiring race, who immure themselves for the most part in deep cellars, +or small back parlours, and who seldom come forth into the world, except +in the dusk and coolness of the evening, when they may be seen seated, in +chairs on the pavement, smoking their pipes, or watching the gambols of +their engaging children as they revel in the gutter, a happy troop of +infantine scavengers. Their countenances bear a thoughtful and a dirty +cast, certain indications of their love of traffic; and their habitations +are distinguished by that disregard of outward appearance and neglect of +personal comfort, so common among people who are constantly immersed in +profound speculations, and deeply engaged in sedentary pursuits. + +We have hinted at the antiquity of our favourite spot. 'A +Monmouth-street laced coat' was a by-word a century ago; and still we +find Monmouth-street the same. Pilot great-coats with wooden buttons, +have usurped the place of the ponderous laced coats with full skirts; +embroidered waistcoats with large flaps, have yielded to double-breasted +checks with roll-collars; and three-cornered hats of quaint appearance, +have given place to the low crowns and broad brims of the coachman +school; but it is the times that have changed, not Monmouth-street. +Through every alteration and every change, Monmouth-street has still +remained the burial-place of the fashions; and such, to judge from all +present appearances, it will remain until there are no more fashions to +bury. + +We love to walk among these extensive groves of the illustrious dead, and +to indulge in the speculations to which they give rise; now fitting a +deceased coat, then a dead pair of trousers, and anon the mortal remains +of a gaudy waistcoat, upon some being of our own conjuring up, and +endeavouring, from the shape and fashion of the garment itself, to bring +its former owner before our mind's eye. We have gone on speculating in +this way, until whole rows of coats have started from their pegs, and +buttoned up, of their own accord, round the waists of imaginary wearers; +lines of trousers have jumped down to meet them; waistcoats have almost +burst with anxiety to put themselves on; and half an acre of shoes have +suddenly found feet to fit them, and gone stumping down the street with a +noise which has fairly awakened us from our pleasant reverie, and driven +us slowly away, with a bewildered stare, an object of astonishment to the +good people of Monmouth-street, and of no slight suspicion to the +policemen at the opposite street corner. + +We were occupied in this manner the other day, endeavouring to fit a pair +of lace-up half-boots on an ideal personage, for whom, to say the truth, +they were full a couple of sizes too small, when our eyes happened to +alight on a few suits of clothes ranged outside a shop-window, which it +immediately struck us, must at different periods have all belonged to, +and been worn by, the same individual, and had now, by one of those +strange conjunctions of circumstances which will occur sometimes, come to +be exposed together for sale in the same shop. The idea seemed a +fantastic one, and we looked at the clothes again with a firm +determination not to be easily led away. No, we were right; the more we +looked, the more we were convinced of the accuracy of our previous +impression. There was the man's whole life written as legibly on those +clothes, as if we had his autobiography engrossed on parchment before us. + +The first was a patched and much-soiled skeleton suit; one of those +straight blue cloth cases in which small boys used to be confined, before +belts and tunics had come in, and old notions had gone out: an ingenious +contrivance for displaying the full symmetry of a boy's figure, by +fastening him into a very tight jacket, with an ornamental row of buttons +over each shoulder, and then buttoning his trousers over it, so as to +give his legs the appearance of being hooked on, just under the armpits. +This was the boy's dress. It had belonged to a town boy, we could see; +there was a shortness about the legs and arms of the suit; and a bagging +at the knees, peculiar to the rising youth of London streets. A small +day-school he had been at, evidently. If it had been a regular boys' +school they wouldn't have let him play on the floor so much, and rub his +knees so white. He had an indulgent mother too, and plenty of halfpence, +as the numerous smears of some sticky substance about the pockets, and +just below the chin, which even the salesman's skill could not succeed in +disguising, sufficiently betokened. They were decent people, but not +overburdened with riches, or he would not have so far outgrown the suit +when he passed into those corduroys with the round jacket; in which he +went to a boys' school, however, and learnt to write--and in ink of +pretty tolerable blackness, too, if the place where he used to wipe his +pen might be taken as evidence. + +A black suit and the jacket changed into a diminutive coat. His father +had died, and the mother had got the boy a message-lad's place in some +office. A long-worn suit that one; rusty and threadbare before it was +laid aside, but clean and free from soil to the last. Poor woman! We +could imagine her assumed cheerfulness over the scanty meal, and the +refusal of her own small portion, that her hungry boy might have enough. +Her constant anxiety for his welfare, her pride in his growth mingled +sometimes with the thought, almost too acute to bear, that as he grew to +be a man his old affection might cool, old kindnesses fade from his mind, +and old promises be forgotten--the sharp pain that even then a careless +word or a cold look would give her--all crowded on our thoughts as +vividly as if the very scene were passing before us. + +These things happen every hour, and we all know it; and yet we felt as +much sorrow when we saw, or fancied we saw--it makes no difference +which--the change that began to take place now, as if we had just +conceived the bare possibility of such a thing for the first time. The +next suit, smart but slovenly; meant to be gay, and yet not half so +decent as the threadbare apparel; redolent of the idle lounge, and the +blackguard companions, told us, we thought, that the widow's comfort had +rapidly faded away. We could imagine that coat--imagine! we could see +it; we _had_ seen it a hundred times--sauntering in company with three or +four other coats of the same cut, about some place of profligate resort +at night. + +We dressed, from the same shop-window in an instant, half a dozen boys of +from fifteen to twenty; and putting cigars into their mouths, and their +hands into their pockets, watched them as they sauntered down the street, +and lingered at the corner, with the obscene jest, and the oft-repeated +oath. We never lost sight of them, till they had cocked their hats a +little more on one side, and swaggered into the public-house; and then we +entered the desolate home, where the mother sat late in the night, alone; +we watched her, as she paced the room in feverish anxiety, and every now +and then opened the door, looked wistfully into the dark and empty +street, and again returned, to be again and again disappointed. We +beheld the look of patience with which she bore the brutish threat, nay, +even the drunken blow; and we heard the agony of tears that gushed from +her very heart, as she sank upon her knees in her solitary and wretched +apartment. + +A long period had elapsed, and a greater change had taken place, by the +time of casting off the suit that hung above. It was that of a stout, +broad-shouldered, sturdy-chested man; and we knew at once, as anybody +would, who glanced at that broad-skirted green coat, with the large metal +buttons, that its wearer seldom walked forth without a dog at his heels, +and some idle ruffian, the very counterpart of himself, at his side. The +vices of the boy had grown with the man, and we fancied his home then--if +such a place deserve the name. + +We saw the bare and miserable room, destitute of furniture, crowded with +his wife and children, pale, hungry, and emaciated; the man cursing their +lamentations, staggering to the tap-room, from whence he had just +returned, followed by his wife and a sickly infant, clamouring for bread; +and heard the street-wrangle and noisy recrimination that his striking +her occasioned. And then imagination led us to some metropolitan +workhouse, situated in the midst of crowded streets and alleys, filled +with noxious vapours, and ringing with boisterous cries, where an old and +feeble woman, imploring pardon for her son, lay dying in a close dark +room, with no child to clasp her hand, and no pure air from heaven to fan +her brow. A stranger closed the eyes that settled into a cold unmeaning +glare, and strange ears received the words that murmured from the white +and half-closed lips. + +A coarse round frock, with a worn cotton neckerchief, and other articles +of clothing of the commonest description, completed the history. A +prison, and the sentence--banishment or the gallows. What would the man +have given then, to be once again the contented humble drudge of his +boyish years; to have been restored to life, but for a week, a day, an +hour, a minute, only for so long a time as would enable him to say one +word of passionate regret to, and hear one sound of heartfelt forgiveness +from, the cold and ghastly form that lay rotting in the pauper's grave! +The children wild in the streets, the mother a destitute widow; both +deeply tainted with the deep disgrace of the husband and father's name, +and impelled by sheer necessity, down the precipice that had led him to a +lingering death, possibly of many years' duration, thousands of miles +away. We had no clue to the end of the tale; but it was easy to guess +its termination. + +We took a step or two further on, and by way of restoring the naturally +cheerful tone of our thoughts, began fitting visionary feet and legs into +a cellar-board full of boots and shoes, with a speed and accuracy that +would have astonished the most expert artist in leather, living. There +was one pair of boots in particular--a jolly, good-tempered, +hearty-looking pair of tops, that excited our warmest regard; and we had +got a fine, red-faced, jovial fellow of a market-gardener into them, +before we had made their acquaintance half a minute. They were just the +very thing for him. There was his huge fat legs bulging over the tops, +and fitting them too tight to admit of his tucking in the loops he had +pulled them on by; and his knee-cords with an interval of stocking; and +his blue apron tucked up round his waist; and his red neckerchief and +blue coat, and a white hat stuck on one side of his head; and there he +stood with a broad grin on his great red face, whistling away, as if any +other idea but that of being happy and comfortable had never entered his +brain. + +This was the very man after our own heart; we knew all about him; we had +seen him coming up to Covent-garden in his green chaise-cart, with the +fat, tubby little horse, half a thousand times; and even while we cast an +affectionate look upon his boots, at that instant, the form of a +coquettish servant-maid suddenly sprung into a pair of Denmark satin +shoes that stood beside them, and we at once recognised the very girl who +accepted his offer of a ride, just on this side the Hammersmith +suspension-bridge, the very last Tuesday morning we rode into town from +Richmond. + +A very smart female, in a showy bonnet, stepped into a pair of grey cloth +boots, with black fringe and binding, that were studiously pointing out +their toes on the other side of the top-boots, and seemed very anxious to +engage his attention, but we didn't observe that our friend the +market-gardener appeared at all captivated with these blandishments; for +beyond giving a knowing wink when they first began, as if to imply that +he quite understood their end and object, he took no further notice of +them. His indifference, however, was amply recompensed by the excessive +gallantry of a very old gentleman with a silver-headed stick, who +tottered into a pair of large list shoes, that were standing in one +corner of the board, and indulged in a variety of gestures expressive of +his admiration of the lady in the cloth boots, to the immeasurable +amusement of a young fellow we put into a pair of long-quartered pumps, +who we thought would have split the coat that slid down to meet him, with +laughing. + +We had been looking on at this little pantomime with great satisfaction +for some time, when, to our unspeakable astonishment, we perceived that +the whole of the characters, including a numerous _corps de ballet_ of +boots and shoes in the background, into which we had been hastily +thrusting as many feet as we could press into the service, were arranging +themselves in order for dancing; and some music striking up at the +moment, to it they went without delay. It was perfectly delightful to +witness the agility of the market-gardener. Out went the boots, first on +one side, then on the other, then cutting, then shuffling, then setting +to the Denmark satins, then advancing, then retreating, then going round, +and then repeating the whole of the evolutions again, without appearing +to suffer in the least from the violence of the exercise. + +Nor were the Denmark satins a bit behindhand, for they jumped and bounded +about, in all directions; and though they were neither so regular, nor so +true to the time as the cloth boots, still, as they seemed to do it from +the heart, and to enjoy it more, we candidly confess that we preferred +their style of dancing to the other. But the old gentleman in the list +shoes was the most amusing object in the whole party; for, besides his +grotesque attempts to appear youthful, and amorous, which were +sufficiently entertaining in themselves, the young fellow in the pumps +managed so artfully that every time the old gentleman advanced to salute +the lady in the cloth boots, he trod with his whole weight on the old +fellow's toes, which made him roar with anguish, and rendered all the +others like to die of laughing. + +We were in the full enjoyment of these festivities when we heard a +shrill, and by no means musical voice, exclaim, 'Hope you'll know me +agin, imperence!' and on looking intently forward to see from whence the +sound came, we found that it proceeded, not from the young lady in the +cloth boots, as we had at first been inclined to suppose, but from a +bulky lady of elderly appearance who was seated in a chair at the head of +the cellar-steps, apparently for the purpose of superintending the sale +of the articles arranged there. + +A barrel-organ, which had been in full force close behind us, ceased +playing; the people we had been fitting into the shoes and boots took to +flight at the interruption; and as we were conscious that in the depth of +our meditations we might have been rudely staring at the old lady for +half an hour without knowing it, we took to flight too, and were soon +immersed in the deepest obscurity of the adjacent 'Dials.' + + + +CHAPTER VII--HACKNEY-COACH STANDS + + +We maintain that hackney-coaches, properly so called, belong solely to +the metropolis. We may be told, that there are hackney-coach stands in +Edinburgh; and not to go quite so far for a contradiction to our +position, we may be reminded that Liverpool, Manchester, 'and other large +towns' (as the Parliamentary phrase goes), have _their_ hackney-coach +stands. We readily concede to these places the possession of certain +vehicles, which may look almost as dirty, and even go almost as slowly, +as London hackney-coaches; but that they have the slightest claim to +compete with the metropolis, either in point of stands, drivers, or +cattle, we indignantly deny. + +Take a regular, ponderous, rickety, London hackney-coach of the old +school, and let any man have the boldness to assert, if he can, that he +ever beheld any object on the face of the earth which at all resembles +it, unless, indeed, it were another hackney-coach of the same date. We +have recently observed on certain stands, and we say it with deep regret, +rather dapper green chariots, and coaches of polished yellow, with four +wheels of the same colour as the coach, whereas it is perfectly notorious +to every one who has studied the subject, that every wheel ought to be of +a different colour, and a different size. These are innovations, and, +like other miscalled improvements, awful signs of the restlessness of the +public mind, and the little respect paid to our time-honoured +institutions. Why should hackney-coaches be clean? Our ancestors found +them dirty, and left them so. Why should we, with a feverish wish to +'keep moving,' desire to roll along at the rate of six miles an hour, +while they were content to rumble over the stones at four? These are +solemn considerations. Hackney-coaches are part and parcel of the law of +the land; they were settled by the Legislature; plated and numbered by +the wisdom of Parliament. + +Then why have they been swamped by cabs and omnibuses? Or why should +people be allowed to ride quickly for eightpence a mile, after Parliament +had come to the solemn decision that they should pay a shilling a mile +for riding slowly? We pause for a reply;--and, having no chance of +getting one, begin a fresh paragraph. + +Our acquaintance with hackney-coach stands is of long standing. We are a +walking book of fares, feeling ourselves, half bound, as it were, to be +always in the right on contested points. We know all the regular +watermen within three miles of Covent-garden by sight, and should be +almost tempted to believe that all the hackney-coach horses in that +district knew us by sight too, if one-half of them were not blind. We +take great interest in hackney-coaches, but we seldom drive, having a +knack of turning ourselves over when we attempt to do so. We are as +great friends to horses, hackney-coach and otherwise, as the renowned Mr. +Martin, of costermonger notoriety, and yet we never ride. We keep no +horse, but a clothes-horse; enjoy no saddle so much as a saddle of +mutton; and, following our own inclinations, have never followed the +hounds. Leaving these fleeter means of getting over the ground, or of +depositing oneself upon it, to those who like them, by hackney-coach +stands we take our stand. + +There is a hackney-coach stand under the very window at which we are +writing; there is only one coach on it now, but it is a fair specimen of +the class of vehicles to which we have alluded--a great, lumbering, +square concern of a dingy yellow colour (like a bilious brunette), with +very small glasses, but very large frames; the panels are ornamented with +a faded coat of arms, in shape something like a dissected bat, the +axletree is red, and the majority of the wheels are green. The box is +partially covered by an old great-coat, with a multiplicity of capes, and +some extraordinary-looking clothes; and the straw, with which the canvas +cushion is stuffed, is sticking up in several places, as if in rivalry of +the hay, which is peeping through the chinks in the boot. The horses, +with drooping heads, and each with a mane and tail as scanty and +straggling as those of a worn-out rocking-horse, are standing patiently +on some damp straw, occasionally wincing, and rattling the harness; and +now and then, one of them lifts his mouth to the ear of his companion, as +if he were saying, in a whisper, that he should like to assassinate the +coachman. The coachman himself is in the watering-house; and the +waterman, with his hands forced into his pockets as far as they can +possibly go, is dancing the 'double shuffle,' in front of the pump, to +keep his feet warm. + +The servant-girl, with the pink ribbons, at No. 5, opposite, suddenly +opens the street-door, and four small children forthwith rush out, and +scream 'Coach!' with all their might and main. The waterman darts from +the pump, seizes the horses by their respective bridles, and drags them, +and the coach too, round to the house, shouting all the time for the +coachman at the very top, or rather very bottom of his voice, for it is a +deep bass growl. A response is heard from the tap-room; the coachman, in +his wooden-soled shoes, makes the street echo again as he runs across it; +and then there is such a struggling, and backing, and grating of the +kennel, to get the coach-door opposite the house-door, that the children +are in perfect ecstasies of delight. What a commotion! The old lady, +who has been stopping there for the last month, is going back to the +country. Out comes box after box, and one side of the vehicle is filled +with luggage in no time; the children get into everybody's way, and the +youngest, who has upset himself in his attempts to carry an umbrella, is +borne off wounded and kicking. The youngsters disappear, and a short +pause ensues, during which the old lady is, no doubt, kissing them all +round in the back parlour. She appears at last, followed by her married +daughter, all the children, and both the servants, who, with the joint +assistance of the coachman and waterman, manage to get her safely into +the coach. A cloak is handed in, and a little basket, which we could +almost swear contains a small black bottle, and a paper of sandwiches. +Up go the steps, bang goes the door, 'Golden-cross, Charing-cross, Tom,' +says the waterman; 'Good-bye, grandma,' cry the children, off jingles the +coach at the rate of three miles an hour, and the mamma and children +retire into the house, with the exception of one little villain, who runs +up the street at the top of his speed, pursued by the servant; not +ill-pleased to have such an opportunity of displaying her attractions. +She brings him back, and, after casting two or three gracious glances +across the way, which are either intended for us or the potboy (we are +not quite certain which), shuts the door, and the hackney-coach stand is +again at a standstill. + +We have been frequently amused with the intense delight with which 'a +servant of all work,' who is sent for a coach, deposits herself inside; +and the unspeakable gratification which boys, who have been despatched on +a similar errand, appear to derive from mounting the box. But we never +recollect to have been more amused with a hackney-coach party, than one +we saw early the other morning in Tottenham-court-road. It was a +wedding-party, and emerged from one of the inferior streets near +Fitzroy-square. There were the bride, with a thin white dress, and a +great red face; and the bridesmaid, a little, dumpy, good-humoured young +woman, dressed, of course, in the same appropriate costume; and the +bridegroom and his chosen friend, in blue coats, yellow waist-coats, +white trousers, and Berlin gloves to match. They stopped at the corner +of the street, and called a coach with an air of indescribable dignity. +The moment they were in, the bridesmaid threw a red shawl, which she had, +no doubt, brought on purpose, negligently over the number on the door, +evidently to delude pedestrians into the belief that the hackney-coach +was a private carriage; and away they went, perfectly satisfied that the +imposition was successful, and quite unconscious that there was a great +staring number stuck up behind, on a plate as large as a schoolboy's +slate. A shilling a mile!--the ride was worth five, at least, to them. + +What an interesting book a hackney-coach might produce, if it could carry +as much in its head as it does in its body! The autobiography of a +broken-down hackney-coach, would surely be as amusing as the +autobiography of a broken-down hackneyed dramatist; and it might tell as +much of its travels _with_ the pole, as others have of their expeditions +_to_ it. How many stories might be related of the different people it +had conveyed on matters of business or profit--pleasure or pain! And how +many melancholy tales of the same people at different periods! The +country-girl--the showy, over-dressed woman--the drunken prostitute! The +raw apprentice--the dissipated spendthrift--the thief! + +Talk of cabs! Cabs are all very well in cases of expedition, when it's a +matter of neck or nothing, life or death, your temporary home or your +long one. But, besides a cab's lacking that gravity of deportment which +so peculiarly distinguishes a hackney-coach, let it never be forgotten +that a cab is a thing of yesterday, and that he never was anything +better. A hackney-cab has always been a hackney-cab, from his first +entry into life; whereas a hackney-coach is a remnant of past gentility, +a victim to fashion, a hanger-on of an old English family, wearing their +arms, and, in days of yore, escorted by men wearing their livery, +stripped of his finery, and thrown upon the world, like a once-smart +footman when he is no longer sufficiently juvenile for his office, +progressing lower and lower in the scale of four-wheeled degradation, +until at last it comes to--_a stand_! + + + +CHAPTER VIII--DOCTORS' COMMONS + + +Walking without any definite object through St. Paul's Churchyard, a +little while ago, we happened to turn down a street entitled +'Paul's-chain,' and keeping straight forward for a few hundred yards, +found ourself, as a natural consequence, in Doctors' Commons. Now +Doctors' Commons being familiar by name to everybody, as the place where +they grant marriage-licenses to love-sick couples, and divorces to +unfaithful ones; register the wills of people who have any property to +leave, and punish hasty gentlemen who call ladies by unpleasant names, we +no sooner discovered that we were really within its precincts, than we +felt a laudable desire to become better acquainted therewith; and as the +first object of our curiosity was the Court, whose decrees can even +unloose the bonds of matrimony, we procured a direction to it; and bent +our steps thither without delay. + +Crossing a quiet and shady court-yard, paved with stone, and frowned upon +by old red brick houses, on the doors of which were painted the names of +sundry learned civilians, we paused before a small, green-baized, +brass-headed-nailed door, which yielding to our gentle push, at once +admitted us into an old quaint-looking apartment, with sunken windows, +and black carved wainscoting, at the upper end of which, seated on a +raised platform, of semicircular shape, were about a dozen solemn-looking +gentlemen, in crimson gowns and wigs. + +At a more elevated desk in the centre, sat a very fat and red-faced +gentleman, in tortoise-shell spectacles, whose dignified appearance +announced the judge; and round a long green-baized table below, something +like a billiard-table without the cushions and pockets, were a number of +very self-important-looking personages, in stiff neckcloths, and black +gowns with white fur collars, whom we at once set down as proctors. At +the lower end of the billiard-table was an individual in an arm-chair, +and a wig, whom we afterwards discovered to be the registrar; and seated +behind a little desk, near the door, were a respectable-looking man in +black, of about twenty-stone weight or thereabouts, and a fat-faced, +smirking, civil-looking body, in a black gown, black kid gloves, knee +shorts, and silks, with a shirt-frill in his bosom, curls on his head, +and a silver staff in his hand, whom we had no difficulty in recognising +as the officer of the Court. The latter, indeed, speedily set our mind +at rest upon this point, for, advancing to our elbow, and opening a +conversation forthwith, he had communicated to us, in less than five +minutes, that he was the apparitor, and the other the court-keeper; that +this was the Arches Court, and therefore the counsel wore red gowns, and +the proctors fur collars; and that when the other Courts sat there, they +didn't wear red gowns or fur collars either; with many other scraps of +intelligence equally interesting. Besides these two officers, there was +a little thin old man, with long grizzly hair, crouched in a remote +corner, whose duty, our communicative friend informed us, was to ring a +large hand-bell when the Court opened in the morning, and who, for aught +his appearance betokened to the contrary, might have been similarly +employed for the last two centuries at least. + +The red-faced gentleman in the tortoise-shell spectacles had got all the +talk to himself just then, and very well he was doing it, too, only he +spoke very fast, but that was habit; and rather thick, but that was good +living. So we had plenty of time to look about us. There was one +individual who amused us mightily. This was one of the bewigged +gentlemen in the red robes, who was straddling before the fire in the +centre of the Court, in the attitude of the brazen Colossus, to the +complete exclusion of everybody else. He had gathered up his robe +behind, in much the same manner as a slovenly woman would her petticoats +on a very dirty day, in order that he might feel the full warmth of the +fire. His wig was put on all awry, with the tail straggling about his +neck; his scanty grey trousers and short black gaiters, made in the worst +possible style, imported an additional inelegant appearance to his +uncouth person; and his limp, badly-starched shirt-collar almost obscured +his eyes. We shall never be able to claim any credit as a physiognomist +again, for, after a careful scrutiny of this gentleman's countenance, we +had come to the conclusion that it bespoke nothing but conceit and +silliness, when our friend with the silver staff whispered in our ear +that he was no other than a doctor of civil law, and heaven knows what +besides. So of course we were mistaken, and he must be a very talented +man. He conceals it so well though--perhaps with the merciful view of +not astonishing ordinary people too much--that you would suppose him to +be one of the stupidest dogs alive. + +The gentleman in the spectacles having concluded his judgment, and a few +minutes having been allowed to elapse, to afford time for the buzz of the +Court to subside, the registrar called on the next cause, which was 'the +office of the Judge promoted by Bumple against Sludberry.' A general +movement was visible in the Court, at this announcement, and the obliging +functionary with silver staff whispered us that 'there would be some fun +now, for this was a brawling case.' + +We were not rendered much the wiser by this piece of information, till we +found by the opening speech of the counsel for the promoter, that, under +a half-obsolete statute of one of the Edwards, the court was empowered to +visit with the penalty of excommunication, any person who should be +proved guilty of the crime of 'brawling,' or 'smiting,' in any church, or +vestry adjoining thereto; and it appeared, by some eight-and-twenty +affidavits, which were duly referred to, that on a certain night, at a +certain vestry-meeting, in a certain parish particularly set forth, +Thomas Sludberry, the party appeared against in that suit, had made use +of, and applied to Michael Bumple, the promoter, the words 'You be +blowed;' and that, on the said Michael Bumple and others remonstrating +with the said Thomas Sludberry, on the impropriety of his conduct, the +said Thomas Sludberry repeated the aforesaid expression, 'You be blowed;' +and furthermore desired and requested to know, whether the said Michael +Bumple 'wanted anything for himself;' adding, 'that if the said Michael +Bumple did want anything for himself, he, the said Thomas Sludberry, was +the man to give it him;' at the same time making use of other heinous and +sinful expressions, all of which, Bumple submitted, came within the +intent and meaning of the Act; and therefore he, for the soul's health +and chastening of Sludberry, prayed for sentence of excommunication +against him accordingly. + +Upon these facts a long argument was entered into, on both sides, to the +great edification of a number of persons interested in the parochial +squabbles, who crowded the court; and when some very long and grave +speeches had been made _pro_ and _con_, the red-faced gentleman in the +tortoise-shell spectacles took a review of the case, which occupied half +an hour more, and then pronounced upon Sludberry the awful sentence of +excommunication for a fortnight, and payment of the costs of the suit. +Upon this, Sludberry, who was a little, red-faced, sly-looking, +ginger-beer seller, addressed the court, and said, if they'd be good +enough to take off the costs, and excommunicate him for the term of his +natural life instead, it would be much more convenient to him, for he +never went to church at all. To this appeal the gentleman in the +spectacles made no other reply than a look of virtuous indignation; and +Sludberry and his friends retired. As the man with the silver staff +informed us that the court was on the point of rising, we retired +too--pondering, as we walked away, upon the beautiful spirit of these +ancient ecclesiastical laws, the kind and neighbourly feelings they are +calculated to awaken, and the strong attachment to religious institutions +which they cannot fail to engender. + +We were so lost in these meditations, that we had turned into the street, +and run up against a door-post, before we recollected where we were +walking. On looking upwards to see what house we had stumbled upon, the +words 'Prerogative-Office,' written in large characters, met our eye; and +as we were in a sight-seeing humour and the place was a public one, we +walked in. + +The room into which we walked, was a long, busy-looking place, +partitioned off, on either side, into a variety of little boxes, in which +a few clerks were engaged in copying or examining deeds. Down the centre +of the room were several desks nearly breast high, at each of which, +three or four people were standing, poring over large volumes. As we +knew that they were searching for wills, they attracted our attention at +once. + +It was curious to contrast the lazy indifference of the attorneys' clerks +who were making a search for some legal purpose, with the air of +earnestness and interest which distinguished the strangers to the place, +who were looking up the will of some deceased relative; the former +pausing every now and then with an impatient yawn, or raising their heads +to look at the people who passed up and down the room; the latter +stooping over the book, and running down column after column of names in +the deepest abstraction. + +There was one little dirty-faced man in a blue apron, who after a whole +morning's search, extending some fifty years back, had just found the +will to which he wished to refer, which one of the officials was reading +to him in a low hurried voice from a thick vellum book with large clasps. +It was perfectly evident that the more the clerk read, the less the man +with the blue apron understood about the matter. When the volume was +first brought down, he took off his hat, smoothed down his hair, smiled +with great self-satisfaction, and looked up in the reader's face with the +air of a man who had made up his mind to recollect every word he heard. +The first two or three lines were intelligible enough; but then the +technicalities began, and the little man began to look rather dubious. +Then came a whole string of complicated trusts, and he was regularly at +sea. As the reader proceeded, it was quite apparent that it was a +hopeless case, and the little man, with his mouth open and his eyes fixed +upon his face, looked on with an expression of bewilderment and +perplexity irresistibly ludicrous. + +A little further on, a hard-featured old man with a deeply-wrinkled face, +was intently perusing a lengthy will with the aid of a pair of horn +spectacles: occasionally pausing from his task, and slily noting down +some brief memorandum of the bequests contained in it. Every wrinkle +about his toothless mouth, and sharp keen eyes, told of avarice and +cunning. His clothes were nearly threadbare, but it was easy to see that +he wore them from choice and not from necessity; all his looks and +gestures down to the very small pinches of snuff which he every now and +then took from a little tin canister, told of wealth, and penury, and +avarice. + +As he leisurely closed the register, put up his spectacles, and folded +his scraps of paper in a large leathern pocket-book, we thought what a +nice hard bargain he was driving with some poverty-stricken legatee, who, +tired of waiting year after year, until some life-interest should fall +in, was selling his chance, just as it began to grow most valuable, for a +twelfth part of its worth. It was a good speculation--a very safe one. +The old man stowed his pocket-book carefully in the breast of his +great-coat, and hobbled away with a leer of triumph. That will had made +him ten years younger at the lowest computation. + +Having commenced our observations, we should certainly have extended them +to another dozen of people at least, had not a sudden shutting up and +putting away of the worm-eaten old books, warned us that the time for +closing the office had arrived; and thus deprived us of a pleasure, and +spared our readers an infliction. + +We naturally fell into a train of reflection as we walked homewards, upon +the curious old records of likings and dislikings; of jealousies and +revenges; of affection defying the power of death, and hatred pursued +beyond the grave, which these depositories contain; silent but striking +tokens, some of them, of excellence of heart, and nobleness of soul; +melancholy examples, others, of the worst passions of human nature. How +many men as they lay speechless and helpless on the bed of death, would +have given worlds but for the strength and power to blot out the silent +evidence of animosity and bitterness, which now stands registered against +them in Doctors' Commons! + + + +CHAPTER IX--LONDON RECREATIONS + + +The wish of persons in the humbler classes of life, to ape the manners +and customs of those whom fortune has placed above them, is often the +subject of remark, and not unfrequently of complaint. The inclination +may, and no doubt does, exist to a great extent, among the small +gentility--the would-be aristocrats--of the middle classes. Tradesmen +and clerks, with fashionable novel-reading families, and +circulating-library-subscribing daughters, get up small assemblies in +humble imitation of Almack's, and promenade the dingy 'large room' of +some second-rate hotel with as much complacency as the enviable few who +are privileged to exhibit their magnificence in that exclusive haunt of +fashion and foolery. Aspiring young ladies, who read flaming accounts of +some 'fancy fair in high life,' suddenly grow desperately charitable; +visions of admiration and matrimony float before their eyes; some +wonderfully meritorious institution, which, by the strangest accident in +the world, has never been heard of before, is discovered to be in a +languishing condition: Thomson's great room, or Johnson's nursery-ground, +is forthwith engaged, and the aforesaid young ladies, from mere charity, +exhibit themselves for three days, from twelve to four, for the small +charge of one shilling per head! With the exception of these classes of +society, however, and a few weak and insignificant persons, we do not +think the attempt at imitation to which we have alluded, prevails in any +great degree. The different character of the recreations of different +classes, has often afforded us amusement; and we have chosen it for the +subject of our present sketch, in the hope that it may possess some +amusement for our readers. + +If the regular City man, who leaves Lloyd's at five o'clock, and drives +home to Hackney, Clapton, Stamford-hill, or elsewhere, can be said to +have any daily recreation beyond his dinner, it is his garden. He never +does anything to it with his own hands; but he takes great pride in it +notwithstanding; and if you are desirous of paying your addresses to the +youngest daughter, be sure to be in raptures with every flower and shrub +it contains. If your poverty of expression compel you to make any +distinction between the two, we would certainly recommend your bestowing +more admiration on his garden than his wine. He always takes a walk +round it, before he starts for town in the morning, and is particularly +anxious that the fish-pond should be kept specially neat. If you call on +him on Sunday in summer-time, about an hour before dinner, you will find +him sitting in an arm-chair, on the lawn behind the house, with a straw +hat on, reading a Sunday paper. A short distance from him you will most +likely observe a handsome paroquet in a large brass-wire cage; ten to one +but the two eldest girls are loitering in one of the side walks +accompanied by a couple of young gentlemen, who are holding parasols over +them--of course only to keep the sun off--while the younger children, +with the under nursery-maid, are strolling listlessly about, in the +shade. Beyond these occasions, his delight in his garden appears to +arise more from the consciousness of possession than actual enjoyment of +it. When he drives you down to dinner on a week-day, he is rather +fatigued with the occupations of the morning, and tolerably cross into +the bargain; but when the cloth is removed, and he has drank three or +four glasses of his favourite port, he orders the French windows of his +dining-room (which of course look into the garden) to be opened, and +throwing a silk handkerchief over his head, and leaning back in his +arm-chair, descants at considerable length upon its beauty, and the cost +of maintaining it. This is to impress you--who are a young friend of the +family--with a due sense of the excellence of the garden, and the wealth +of its owner; and when he has exhausted the subject, he goes to sleep. + +There is another and a very different class of men, whose recreation is +their garden. An individual of this class, resides some short distance +from town--say in the Hampstead-road, or the Kilburn-road, or any other +road where the houses are small and neat, and have little slips of back +garden. He and his wife--who is as clean and compact a little body as +himself--have occupied the same house ever since he retired from business +twenty years ago. They have no family. They once had a son, who died at +about five years old. The child's portrait hangs over the mantelpiece in +the best sitting-room, and a little cart he used to draw about, is +carefully preserved as a relic. + +In fine weather the old gentleman is almost constantly in the garden; and +when it is too wet to go into it, he will look out of the window at it, +by the hour together. He has always something to do there, and you will +see him digging, and sweeping, and cutting, and planting, with manifest +delight. In spring-time, there is no end to the sowing of seeds, and +sticking little bits of wood over them, with labels, which look like +epitaphs to their memory; and in the evening, when the sun has gone down, +the perseverance with which he lugs a great watering-pot about is +perfectly astonishing. The only other recreation he has, is the +newspaper, which he peruses every day, from beginning to end, generally +reading the most interesting pieces of intelligence to his wife, during +breakfast. The old lady is very fond of flowers, as the hyacinth-glasses +in the parlour-window, and geranium-pots in the little front court, +testify. She takes great pride in the garden too: and when one of the +four fruit-trees produces rather a larger gooseberry than usual, it is +carefully preserved under a wine-glass on the sideboard, for the +edification of visitors, who are duly informed that Mr. So-and-so planted +the tree which produced it, with his own hands. On a summer's evening, +when the large watering-pot has been filled and emptied some fourteen +times, and the old couple have quite exhausted themselves by trotting +about, you will see them sitting happily together in the little +summerhouse, enjoying the calm and peace of the twilight, and watching +the shadows as they fall upon the garden, and gradually growing thicker +and more sombre, obscure the tints of their gayest flowers--no bad emblem +of the years that have silently rolled over their heads, deadening in +their course the brightest hues of early hopes and feelings which have +long since faded away. These are their only recreations, and they +require no more. They have within themselves, the materials of comfort +and content; and the only anxiety of each, is to die before the other. + +This is no ideal sketch. There _used_ to be many old people of this +description; their numbers may have diminished, and may decrease still +more. Whether the course female education has taken of late +days--whether the pursuit of giddy frivolities, and empty nothings, has +tended to unfit women for that quiet domestic life, in which they show +far more beautifully than in the most crowded assembly, is a question we +should feel little gratification in discussing: we hope not. + +Let us turn now, to another portion of the London population, whose +recreations present about as strong a contrast as can well be +conceived--we mean the Sunday pleasurers; and let us beg our readers to +imagine themselves stationed by our side in some well-known rural +'Tea-gardens.' + +The heat is intense this afternoon, and the people, of whom there are +additional parties arriving every moment, look as warm as the tables +which have been recently painted, and have the appearance of being +red-hot. What a dust and noise! Men and women--boys and +girls--sweethearts and married people--babies in arms, and children in +chaises--pipes and shrimps--cigars and periwinkles--tea and tobacco. +Gentlemen, in alarming waistcoats, and steel watch-guards, promenading +about, three abreast, with surprising dignity (or as the gentleman in the +next box facetiously observes, 'cutting it uncommon fat!')--ladies, with +great, long, white pocket-handkerchiefs like small table-cloths, in their +hands, chasing one another on the grass in the most playful and +interesting manner, with the view of attracting the attention of the +aforesaid gentlemen--husbands in perspective ordering bottles of +ginger-beer for the objects of their affections, with a lavish disregard +of expense; and the said objects washing down huge quantities of +'shrimps' and 'winkles,' with an equal disregard of their own bodily +health and subsequent comfort--boys, with great silk hats just balanced +on the top of their heads, smoking cigars, and trying to look as if they +liked them--gentlemen in pink shirts and blue waistcoats, occasionally +upsetting either themselves, or somebody else, with their own canes. + +Some of the finery of these people provokes a smile, but they are all +clean, and happy, and disposed to be good-natured and sociable. Those +two motherly-looking women in the smart pelisses, who are chatting so +confidentially, inserting a 'ma'am' at every fourth word, scraped an +acquaintance about a quarter of an hour ago: it originated in admiration +of the little boy who belongs to one of them--that diminutive specimen of +mortality in the three-cornered pink satin hat with black feathers. The +two men in the blue coats and drab trousers, who are walking up and down, +smoking their pipes, are their husbands. The party in the opposite box +are a pretty fair specimen of the generality of the visitors. These are +the father and mother, and old grandmother: a young man and woman, and an +individual addressed by the euphonious title of 'Uncle Bill,' who is +evidently the wit of the party. They have some half-dozen children with +them, but it is scarcely necessary to notice the fact, for that is a +matter of course here. Every woman in 'the gardens,' who has been +married for any length of time, must have had twins on two or three +occasions; it is impossible to account for the extent of juvenile +population in any other way. + +Observe the inexpressible delight of the old grandmother, at Uncle Bill's +splendid joke of 'tea for four: bread-and-butter for forty;' and the loud +explosion of mirth which follows his wafering a paper 'pigtail' on the +waiter's collar. The young man is evidently 'keeping company' with Uncle +Bill's niece: and Uncle Bill's hints--such as 'Don't forget me at the +dinner, you know,' 'I shall look out for the cake, Sally,' 'I'll be +godfather to your first--wager it's a boy,' and so forth, are equally +embarrassing to the young people, and delightful to the elder ones. As +to the old grandmother, she is in perfect ecstasies, and does nothing but +laugh herself into fits of coughing, until they have finished the +'gin-and-water warm with,' of which Uncle Bill ordered 'glasses round' +after tea, 'just to keep the night air out, and to do it up comfortable +and riglar arter sitch an as-tonishing hot day!' + +It is getting dark, and the people begin to move. The field leading to +town is quite full of them; the little hand-chaises are dragged wearily +along, the children are tired, and amuse themselves and the company +generally by crying, or resort to the much more pleasant expedient of +going to sleep--the mothers begin to wish they were at home +again--sweethearts grow more sentimental than ever, as the time for +parting arrives--the gardens look mournful enough, by the light of the +two lanterns which hang against the trees for the convenience of +smokers--and the waiters who have been running about incessantly for the +last six hours, think they feel a little tired, as they count their +glasses and their gains. + + + +CHAPTER X--THE RIVER + + +'Are you fond of the water?' is a question very frequently asked, in hot +summer weather, by amphibious-looking young men. 'Very,' is the general +reply. 'An't you?'--'Hardly ever off it,' is the response, accompanied +by sundry adjectives, expressive of the speaker's heartfelt admiration of +that element. Now, with all respect for the opinion of society in +general, and cutter clubs in particular, we humbly suggest that some of +the most painful reminiscences in the mind of every individual who has +occasionally disported himself on the Thames, must be connected with his +aquatic recreations. Who ever heard of a successful water-party?--or to +put the question in a still more intelligible form, who ever saw one? We +have been on water excursions out of number, but we solemnly declare that +we cannot call to mind one single occasion of the kind, which was not +marked by more miseries than any one would suppose could be reasonably +crowded into the space of some eight or nine hours. Something has always +gone wrong. Either the cork of the salad-dressing has come out, or the +most anxiously expected member of the party has not come out, or the most +disagreeable man in company would come out, or a child or two have fallen +into the water, or the gentleman who undertook to steer has endangered +everybody's life all the way, or the gentlemen who volunteered to row +have been 'out of practice,' and performed very alarming evolutions, +putting their oars down into the water and not being able to get them up +again, or taking terrific pulls without putting them in at all; in either +case, pitching over on the backs of their heads with startling violence, +and exhibiting the soles of their pumps to the 'sitters' in the boat, in +a very humiliating manner. + +We grant that the banks of the Thames are very beautiful at Richmond and +Twickenham, and other distant havens, often sought though seldom reached; +but from the 'Red-us' back to Blackfriars-bridge, the scene is +wonderfully changed. The Penitentiary is a noble building, no doubt, and +the sportive youths who 'go in' at that particular part of the river, on +a summer's evening, may be all very well in perspective; but when you are +obliged to keep in shore coming home, and the young ladies will colour +up, and look perseveringly the other way, while the married dittos cough +slightly, and stare very hard at the water, you feel awkward--especially +if you happen to have been attempting the most distant approach to +sentimentality, for an hour or two previously. + +Although experience and suffering have produced in our minds the result +we have just stated, we are by no means blind to a proper sense of the +fun which a looker-on may extract from the amateurs of boating. What can +be more amusing than Searle's yard on a fine Sunday morning? It's a +Richmond tide, and some dozen boats are preparing for the reception of +the parties who have engaged them. Two or three fellows in great rough +trousers and Guernsey shirts, are getting them ready by easy stages; now +coming down the yard with a pair of sculls and a cushion--then having a +chat with the 'Jack,' who, like all his tribe, seems to be wholly +incapable of doing anything but lounging about--then going back again, +and returning with a rudder-line and a stretcher--then solacing +themselves with another chat--and then wondering, with their hands in +their capacious pockets, 'where them gentlemen's got to as ordered the +six.' One of these, the head man, with the legs of his trousers +carefully tucked up at the bottom, to admit the water, we presume--for it +is an element in which he is infinitely more at home than on land--is +quite a character, and shares with the defunct oyster-swallower the +celebrated name of 'Dando.' Watch him, as taking a few minutes' respite +from his toils, he negligently seats himself on the edge of a boat, and +fans his broad bushy chest with a cap scarcely half so furry. Look at +his magnificent, though reddish whiskers, and mark the somewhat native +humour with which he 'chaffs' the boys and 'prentices, or cunningly +gammons the gen'lm'n into the gift of a glass of gin, of which we verily +believe he swallows in one day as much as any six ordinary men, without +ever being one atom the worse for it. + +But the party arrives, and Dando, relieved from his state of uncertainty, +starts up into activity. They approach in full aquatic costume, with +round blue jackets, striped shirts, and caps of all sizes and patterns, +from the velvet skull-cap of French manufacture, to the easy head-dress +familiar to the students of the old spelling-books, as having, on the +authority of the portrait, formed part of the costume of the Reverend Mr. +Dilworth. + +This is the most amusing time to observe a regular Sunday water-party. +There has evidently been up to this period no inconsiderable degree of +boasting on everybody's part relative to his knowledge of navigation; the +sight of the water rapidly cools their courage, and the air of +self-denial with which each of them insists on somebody else's taking an +oar, is perfectly delightful. At length, after a great deal of changing +and fidgeting, consequent upon the election of a stroke-oar: the +inability of one gentleman to pull on this side, of another to pull on +that, and of a third to pull at all, the boat's crew are seated. 'Shove +her off!' cries the cockswain, who looks as easy and comfortable as if he +were steering in the Bay of Biscay. The order is obeyed; the boat is +immediately turned completely round, and proceeds towards +Westminster-bridge, amidst such a splashing and struggling as never was +seen before, except when the Royal George went down. 'Back wa'ater, +sir,' shouts Dando, 'Back wa'ater, you sir, aft;' upon which everybody +thinking he must be the individual referred to, they all back water, and +back comes the boat, stern first, to the spot whence it started. 'Back +water, you sir, aft; pull round, you sir, for'ad, can't you?' shouts +Dando, in a frenzy of excitement. 'Pull round, Tom, can't you?' +re-echoes one of the party. 'Tom an't for'ad,' replies another. 'Yes, +he is,' cries a third; and the unfortunate young man, at the imminent +risk of breaking a blood-vessel, pulls and pulls, until the head of the +boat fairly lies in the direction of Vauxhall-bridge. 'That's right--now +pull all on you!' shouts Dando again, adding, in an under-tone, to +somebody by him, 'Blowed if hever I see sich a set of muffs!' and away +jogs the boat in a zigzag direction, every one of the six oars dipping +into the water at a different time; and the yard is once more clear, +until the arrival of the next party. + +A well-contested rowing-match on the Thames, is a very lively and +interesting scene. The water is studded with boats of all sorts, kinds, +and descriptions; places in the coal-barges at the different wharfs are +let to crowds of spectators, beer and tobacco flow freely about; men, +women, and children wait for the start in breathless expectation; cutters +of six and eight oars glide gently up and down, waiting to accompany +their _proteges_ during the race; bands of music add to the animation, if +not to the harmony of the scene; groups of watermen are assembled at the +different stairs, discussing the merits of the respective candidates; and +the prize wherry, which is rowed slowly about by a pair of sculls, is an +object of general interest. + +Two o'clock strikes, and everybody looks anxiously in the direction of +the bridge through which the candidates for the prize will +come--half-past two, and the general attention which has been preserved +so long begins to flag, when suddenly a gun is heard, and a noise of +distant hurra'ing along each bank of the river--every head is bent +forward--the noise draws nearer and nearer--the boats which have been +waiting at the bridge start briskly up the river, and a well-manned +galley shoots through the arch, the sitters cheering on the boats behind +them, which are not yet visible. + +'Here they are,' is the general cry--and through darts the first boat, +the men in her, stripped to the skin, and exerting every muscle to +preserve the advantage they have gained--four other boats follow close +astern; there are not two boats' length between them--the shouting is +tremendous, and the interest intense. 'Go on, Pink'--'Give it her, +Red'--'Sulliwin for ever'--'Bravo! George'--'Now, Tom, +now--now--now--why don't your partner stretch out?'--'Two pots to a pint +on Yellow,' &c., &c. Every little public-house fires its gun, and hoists +its flag; and the men who win the heat, come in, amidst a splashing and +shouting, and banging and confusion, which no one can imagine who has not +witnessed it, and of which any description would convey a very faint +idea. + +One of the most amusing places we know is the steam-wharf of the London +Bridge, or St. Katharine's Dock Company, on a Saturday morning in summer, +when the Gravesend and Margate steamers are usually crowded to excess; +and as we have just taken a glance at the river above bridge, we hope our +readers will not object to accompany us on board a Gravesend packet. + +Coaches are every moment setting down at the entrance to the wharf, and +the stare of bewildered astonishment with which the 'fares' resign +themselves and their luggage into the hands of the porters, who seize all +the packages at once as a matter of course, and run away with them, +heaven knows where, is laughable in the extreme. A Margate boat lies +alongside the wharf, the Gravesend boat (which starts first) lies +alongside that again; and as a temporary communication is formed between +the two, by means of a plank and hand-rail, the natural confusion of the +scene is by no means diminished. + +'Gravesend?' inquires a stout father of a stout family, who follow him, +under the guidance of their mother, and a servant, at the no small risk +of two or three of them being left behind in the confusion. 'Gravesend?' + +'Pass on, if you please, sir,' replies the attendant--'other boat, sir.' + +Hereupon the stout father, being rather mystified, and the stout mother +rather distracted by maternal anxiety, the whole party deposit themselves +in the Margate boat, and after having congratulated himself on having +secured very comfortable seats, the stout father sallies to the chimney +to look for his luggage, which he has a faint recollection of having +given some man, something, to take somewhere. No luggage, however, +bearing the most remote resemblance to his own, in shape or form, is to +be discovered; on which the stout father calls very loudly for an +officer, to whom he states the case, in the presence of another father of +another family--a little thin man--who entirely concurs with him (the +stout father) in thinking that it's high time something was done with +these steam companies, and that as the Corporation Bill failed to do it, +something else must; for really people's property is not to be sacrificed +in this way; and that if the luggage isn't restored without delay, he +will take care it shall be put in the papers, for the public is not to be +the victim of these great monopolies. To this, the officer, in his turn, +replies, that that company, ever since it has been St. Kat'rine's Dock +Company, has protected life and property; that if it had been the London +Bridge Wharf Company, indeed, he shouldn't have wondered, seeing that the +morality of that company (they being the opposition) can't be answered +for, by no one; but as it is, he's convinced there must be some mistake, +and he wouldn't mind making a solemn oath afore a magistrate that the +gentleman'll find his luggage afore he gets to Margate. + +Here the stout father, thinking he is making a capital point, replies, +that as it happens, he is not going to Margate at all, and that +'Passenger to Gravesend' was on the luggage, in letters of full two +inches long; on which the officer rapidly explains the mistake, and the +stout mother, and the stout children, and the servant, are hurried with +all possible despatch on board the Gravesend boat, which they reached +just in time to discover that their luggage is there, and that their +comfortable seats are not. Then the bell, which is the signal for the +Gravesend boat starting, begins to ring most furiously: and people keep +time to the bell, by running in and out of our boat at a double-quick +pace. The bell stops; the boat starts: people who have been taking leave +of their friends on board, are carried away against their will; and +people who have been taking leave of their friends on shore, find that +they have performed a very needless ceremony, in consequence of their not +being carried away at all. The regular passengers, who have season +tickets, go below to breakfast; people who have purchased morning papers, +compose themselves to read them; and people who have not been down the +river before, think that both the shipping and the water, look a great +deal better at a distance. + +When we get down about as far as Blackwall, and begin to move at a +quicker rate, the spirits of the passengers appear to rise in proportion. +Old women who have brought large wicker hand-baskets with them, set +seriously to work at the demolition of heavy sandwiches, and pass round a +wine-glass, which is frequently replenished from a flat bottle like a +stomach-warmer, with considerable glee: handing it first to the gentleman +in the foraging-cap, who plays the harp--partly as an expression of +satisfaction with his previous exertions, and partly to induce him to +play 'Dumbledumbdeary,' for 'Alick' to dance to; which being done, Alick, +who is a damp earthy child in red worsted socks, takes certain small +jumps upon the deck, to the unspeakable satisfaction of his family +circle. Girls who have brought the first volume of some new novel in +their reticule, become extremely plaintive, and expatiate to Mr. Brown, +or young Mr. O'Brien, who has been looking over them, on the blueness of +the sky, and brightness of the water; on which Mr. Brown or Mr. O'Brien, +as the case may be, remarks in a low voice that he has been quite +insensible of late to the beauties of nature, that his whole thoughts and +wishes have centred in one object alone--whereupon the young lady looks +up, and failing in her attempt to appear unconscious, looks down again; +and turns over the next leaf with great difficulty, in order to afford +opportunity for a lengthened pressure of the hand. + +Telescopes, sandwiches, and glasses of brandy-and-water cold without, +begin to be in great requisition; and bashful men who have been looking +down the hatchway at the engine, find, to their great relief, a subject +on which they can converse with one another--and a copious one +too--Steam. + +'Wonderful thing steam, sir.' 'Ah! (a deep-drawn sigh) it is indeed, +sir.' 'Great power, sir.' 'Immense--immense!' 'Great deal done by +steam, sir.' 'Ah! (another sigh at the immensity of the subject, and a +knowing shake of the head) you may say that, sir.' 'Still in its +infancy, they say, sir.' Novel remarks of this kind, are generally the +commencement of a conversation which is prolonged until the conclusion of +the trip, and, perhaps, lays the foundation of a speaking acquaintance +between half-a-dozen gentlemen, who, having their families at Gravesend, +take season tickets for the boat, and dine on board regularly every +afternoon. + + + +CHAPTER XI--ASTLEY'S + + +We never see any very large, staring, black Roman capitals, in a book, or +shop-window, or placarded on a wall, without their immediately recalling +to our mind an indistinct and confused recollection of the time when we +were first initiated in the mysteries of the alphabet. We almost fancy +we see the pin's point following the letter, to impress its form more +strongly on our bewildered imagination; and wince involuntarily, as we +remember the hard knuckles with which the reverend old lady who instilled +into our mind the first principles of education for ninepence per week, +or ten and sixpence per quarter, was wont to poke our juvenile head +occasionally, by way of adjusting the confusion of ideas in which we were +generally involved. The same kind of feeling pursues us in many other +instances, but there is no place which recalls so strongly our +recollections of childhood as Astley's. It was not a 'Royal +Amphitheatre' in those days, nor had Ducrow arisen to shed the light of +classic taste and portable gas over the sawdust of the circus; but the +whole character of the place was the same, the pieces were the same, the +clown's jokes were the same, the riding-masters were equally grand, the +comic performers equally witty, the tragedians equally hoarse, and the +'highly-trained chargers' equally spirited. Astley's has altered for the +better--we have changed for the worse. Our histrionic taste is gone, and +with shame we confess, that we are far more delighted and amused with the +audience, than with the pageantry we once so highly appreciated. + +We like to watch a regular Astley's party in the Easter or Midsummer +holidays--pa and ma, and nine or ten children, varying from five foot six +to two foot eleven: from fourteen years of age to four. We had just +taken our seat in one of the boxes, in the centre of the house, the other +night, when the next was occupied by just such a party as we should have +attempted to describe, had we depicted our _beau ideal_ of a group of +Astley's visitors. + +First of all, there came three little boys and a little girl, who, in +pursuance of pa's directions, issued in a very audible voice from the +box-door, occupied the front row; then two more little girls were ushered +in by a young lady, evidently the governess. Then came three more little +boys, dressed like the first, in blue jackets and trousers, with lay-down +shirt-collars: then a child in a braided frock and high state of +astonishment, with very large round eyes, opened to their utmost width, +was lifted over the seats--a process which occasioned a considerable +display of little pink legs--then came ma and pa, and then the eldest +son, a boy of fourteen years old, who was evidently trying to look as if +he did not belong to the family. + +The first five minutes were occupied in taking the shawls off the little +girls, and adjusting the bows which ornamented their hair; then it was +providentially discovered that one of the little boys was seated behind a +pillar and could not see, so the governess was stuck behind the pillar, +and the boy lifted into her place. Then pa drilled the boys, and +directed the stowing away of their pocket-handkerchiefs, and ma having +first nodded and winked to the governess to pull the girls' frocks a +little more off their shoulders, stood up to review the little troop--an +inspection which appeared to terminate much to her own satisfaction, for +she looked with a complacent air at pa, who was standing up at the +further end of the seat. Pa returned the glance, and blew his nose very +emphatically; and the poor governess peeped out from behind the pillar, +and timidly tried to catch ma's eye, with a look expressive of her high +admiration of the whole family. Then two of the little boys who had been +discussing the point whether Astley's was more than twice as large as +Drury Lane, agreed to refer it to 'George' for his decision; at which +'George,' who was no other than the young gentleman before noticed, waxed +indignant, and remonstrated in no very gentle terms on the gross +impropriety of having his name repeated in so loud a voice at a public +place, on which all the children laughed very heartily, and one of the +little boys wound up by expressing his opinion, that 'George began to +think himself quite a man now,' whereupon both pa and ma laughed too; and +George (who carried a dress cane and was cultivating whiskers) muttered +that 'William always was encouraged in his impertinence;' and assumed a +look of profound contempt, which lasted the whole evening. + +The play began, and the interest of the little boys knew no bounds. Pa +was clearly interested too, although he very unsuccessfully endeavoured +to look as if he wasn't. As for ma, she was perfectly overcome by the +drollery of the principal comedian, and laughed till every one of the +immense bows on her ample cap trembled, at which the governess peeped out +from behind the pillar again, and whenever she could catch ma's eye, put +her handkerchief to her mouth, and appeared, as in duty bound, to be in +convulsions of laughter also. Then when the man in the splendid armour +vowed to rescue the lady or perish in the attempt, the little boys +applauded vehemently, especially one little fellow who was apparently on +a visit to the family, and had been carrying on a child's flirtation, the +whole evening, with a small coquette of twelve years old, who looked like +a model of her mamma on a reduced scale; and who, in common with the +other little girls (who generally speaking have even more coquettishness +about them than much older ones), looked very properly shocked, when the +knight's squire kissed the princess's confidential chambermaid. + +When the scenes in the circle commenced, the children were more delighted +than ever; and the wish to see what was going forward, completely +conquering pa's dignity, he stood up in the box, and applauded as loudly +as any of them. Between each feat of horsemanship, the governess leant +across to ma, and retailed the clever remarks of the children on that +which had preceded: and ma, in the openness of her heart, offered the +governess an acidulated drop, and the governess, gratified to be taken +notice of, retired behind her pillar again with a brighter countenance: +and the whole party seemed quite happy, except the exquisite in the back +of the box, who, being too grand to take any interest in the children, +and too insignificant to be taken notice of by anybody else, occupied +himself, from time to time, in rubbing the place where the whiskers ought +to be, and was completely alone in his glory. + +We defy any one who has been to Astley's two or three times, and is +consequently capable of appreciating the perseverance with which +precisely the same jokes are repeated night after night, and season after +season, not to be amused with one part of the performances at least--we +mean the scenes in the circle. For ourself, we know that when the hoop, +composed of jets of gas, is let down, the curtain drawn up for the +convenience of the half-price on their ejectment from the ring, the +orange-peel cleared away, and the sawdust shaken, with mathematical +precision, into a complete circle, we feel as much enlivened as the +youngest child present; and actually join in the laugh which follows the +clown's shrill shout of 'Here we are!' just for old acquaintance' sake. +Nor can we quite divest ourself of our old feeling of reverence for the +riding-master, who follows the clown with a long whip in his hand, and +bows to the audience with graceful dignity. He is none of your +second-rate riding-masters in nankeen dressing-gowns, with brown frogs, +but the regular gentleman-attendant on the principal riders, who always +wears a military uniform with a table-cloth inside the breast of the +coat, in which costume he forcibly reminds one of a fowl trussed for +roasting. He is--but why should we attempt to describe that of which no +description can convey an adequate idea? Everybody knows the man, and +everybody remembers his polished boots, his graceful demeanour, stiff, as +some misjudging persons have in their jealousy considered it, and the +splendid head of black hair, parted high on the forehead, to impart to +the countenance an appearance of deep thought and poetic melancholy. His +soft and pleasing voice, too, is in perfect unison with his noble +bearing, as he humours the clown by indulging in a little badinage; and +the striking recollection of his own dignity, with which he exclaims, +'Now, sir, if you please, inquire for Miss Woolford, sir,' can never be +forgotten. The graceful air, too, with which he introduces Miss Woolford +into the arena, and, after assisting her to the saddle, follows her fairy +courser round the circle, can never fail to create a deep impression in +the bosom of every female servant present. + +When Miss Woolford, and the horse, and the orchestra, all stop together +to take breath, he urbanely takes part in some such dialogue as the +following (commenced by the clown): 'I say, sir!'--'Well, sir?' (it's +always conducted in the politest manner.)--'Did you ever happen to hear I +was in the army, sir?'--'No, sir.'--'Oh, yes, sir--I can go through my +exercise, sir.'--'Indeed, sir!'--'Shall I do it now, sir?'--'If you +please, sir; come, sir--make haste' (a cut with the long whip, and 'Ha' +done now--I don't like it,' from the clown). Here the clown throws +himself on the ground, and goes through a variety of gymnastic +convulsions, doubling himself up, and untying himself again, and making +himself look very like a man in the most hopeless extreme of human agony, +to the vociferous delight of the gallery, until he is interrupted by a +second cut from the long whip, and a request to see 'what Miss Woolford's +stopping for?' On which, to the inexpressible mirth of the gallery, he +exclaims, 'Now, Miss Woolford, what can I come for to go, for to fetch, +for to bring, for to carry, for to do, for you, ma'am?' On the lady's +announcing with a sweet smile that she wants the two flags, they are, +with sundry grimaces, procured and handed up; the clown facetiously +observing after the performance of the latter ceremony--'He, he, oh! I +say, sir, Miss Woolford knows me; she smiled at me.' Another cut from +the whip, a burst from the orchestra, a start from the horse, and round +goes Miss Woolford again on her graceful performance, to the delight of +every member of the audience, young or old. The next pause affords an +opportunity for similar witticisms, the only additional fun being that of +the clown making ludicrous grimaces at the riding-master every time his +back is turned; and finally quitting the circle by jumping over his head, +having previously directed his attention another way. + +Did any of our readers ever notice the class of people, who hang about +the stage-doors of our minor theatres in the daytime? You will rarely +pass one of these entrances without seeing a group of three or four men +conversing on the pavement, with an indescribable public-house-parlour +swagger, and a kind of conscious air, peculiar to people of this +description. They always seem to think they are exhibiting; the lamps +are ever before them. That young fellow in the faded brown coat, and +very full light green trousers, pulls down the wristbands of his check +shirt, as ostentatiously as if it were of the finest linen, and cocks the +white hat of the summer-before-last as knowingly over his right eye, as +if it were a purchase of yesterday. Look at the dirty white Berlin +gloves, and the cheap silk handkerchief stuck in the bosom of his +threadbare coat. Is it possible to see him for an instant, and not come +to the conclusion that he is the walking gentleman who wears a blue +surtout, clean collar, and white trousers, for half an hour, and then +shrinks into his worn-out scanty clothes: who has to boast night after +night of his splendid fortune, with the painful consciousness of a pound +a-week and his boots to find; to talk of his father's mansion in the +country, with a dreary recollection of his own two-pair back, in the New +Cut; and to be envied and flattered as the favoured lover of a rich +heiress, remembering all the while that the ex-dancer at home is in the +family way, and out of an engagement? + +Next to him, perhaps, you will see a thin pale man, with a very long +face, in a suit of shining black, thoughtfully knocking that part of his +boot which once had a heel, with an ash stick. He is the man who does +the heavy business, such as prosy fathers, virtuous servants, curates, +landlords, and so forth. + +By the way, talking of fathers, we should very much like to see some +piece in which all the dramatis personae were orphans. Fathers are +invariably great nuisances on the stage, and always have to give the hero +or heroine a long explanation of what was done before the curtain rose, +usually commencing with 'It is now nineteen years, my dear child, since +your blessed mother (here the old villain's voice falters) confided you +to my charge. You were then an infant,' &c., &c. Or else they have to +discover, all of a sudden, that somebody whom they have been in constant +communication with, during three long acts, without the slightest +suspicion, is their own child: in which case they exclaim, 'Ah! what do I +see? This bracelet! That smile! These documents! Those eyes! Can I +believe my senses?--It must be!--Yes--it is, it is my child!'--'My +father!' exclaims the child; and they fall into each other's arms, and +look over each other's shoulders, and the audience give three rounds of +applause. + +To return from this digression, we were about to say, that these are the +sort of people whom you see talking, and attitudinising, outside the +stage-doors of our minor theatres. At Astley's they are always more +numerous than at any other place. There is generally a groom or two, +sitting on the window-sill, and two or three dirty shabby-genteel men in +checked neckerchiefs, and sallow linen, lounging about, and carrying, +perhaps, under one arm, a pair of stage shoes badly wrapped up in a piece +of old newspaper. Some years ago we used to stand looking, open-mouthed, +at these men, with a feeling of mysterious curiosity, the very +recollection of which provokes a smile at the moment we are writing. We +could not believe that the beings of light and elegance, in milk-white +tunics, salmon-coloured legs, and blue scarfs, who flitted on sleek +cream-coloured horses before our eyes at night, with all the aid of +lights, music, and artificial flowers, could be the pale, +dissipated-looking creatures we beheld by day. + +We can hardly believe it now. Of the lower class of actors we have seen +something, and it requires no great exercise of imagination to identify +the walking gentleman with the 'dirty swell,' the comic singer with the +public-house chairman, or the leading tragedian with drunkenness and +distress; but these other men are mysterious beings, never seen out of +the ring, never beheld but in the costume of gods and sylphs. With the +exception of Ducrow, who can scarcely be classed among them, who ever +knew a rider at Astley's, or saw him but on horseback? Can our friend in +the military uniform ever appear in threadbare attire, or descend to the +comparatively un-wadded costume of every-day life? Impossible! We +cannot--we will not--believe it. + + + +CHAPTER XII--GREENWICH FAIR + + +If the Parks be 'the lungs of London,' we wonder what Greenwich Fair +is--a periodical breaking out, we suppose, a sort of spring-rash: a three +days' fever, which cools the blood for six months afterwards, and at the +expiration of which London is restored to its old habits of plodding +industry, as suddenly and completely as if nothing had ever happened to +disturb them. + +In our earlier days, we were a constant frequenter of Greenwich Fair, for +years. We have proceeded to, and returned from it, in almost every +description of vehicle. We cannot conscientiously deny the charge of +having once made the passage in a spring-van, accompanied by thirteen +gentlemen, fourteen ladies, an unlimited number of children, and a barrel +of beer; and we have a vague recollection of having, in later days, found +ourself the eighth outside, on the top of a hackney-coach, at something +past four o'clock in the morning, with a rather confused idea of our own +name, or place of residence. We have grown older since then, and quiet, +and steady: liking nothing better than to spend our Easter, and all our +other holidays, in some quiet nook, with people of whom we shall never +tire; but we think we still remember something of Greenwich Fair, and of +those who resort to it. At all events we will try. + +The road to Greenwich during the whole of Easter Monday, is in a state of +perpetual bustle and noise. Cabs, hackney-coaches, 'shay' carts, +coal-waggons, stages, omnibuses, sociables, gigs, donkey-chaises--all +crammed with people (for the question never is, what the horse can draw, +but what the vehicle will hold), roll along at their utmost speed; the +dust flies in clouds, ginger-beer corks go off in volleys, the balcony of +every public-house is crowded with people, smoking and drinking, half the +private houses are turned into tea-shops, fiddles are in great request, +every little fruit-shop displays its stall of gilt gingerbread and penny +toys; turnpike men are in despair; horses won't go on, and wheels will +come off; ladies in 'carawans' scream with fright at every fresh +concussion, and their admirers find it necessary to sit remarkably close +to them, by way of encouragement; servants-of-all-work, who are not +allowed to have followers, and have got a holiday for the day, make the +most of their time with the faithful admirer who waits for a stolen +interview at the corner of the street every night, when they go to fetch +the beer--apprentices grow sentimental, and straw-bonnet makers kind. +Everybody is anxious to get on, and actuated by the common wish to be at +the fair, or in the park, as soon as possible. + +Pedestrians linger in groups at the roadside, unable to resist the +allurements of the stout proprietress of the 'Jack-in-the-box, three +shies a penny,' or the more splendid offers of the man with three +thimbles and a pea on a little round board, who astonishes the bewildered +crowd with some such address as, 'Here's the sort o' game to make you +laugh seven years arter you're dead, and turn ev'ry air on your ed gray +vith delight! Three thimbles and vun little pea--with a vun, two, three, +and a two, three, vun: catch him who can, look on, keep your eyes open, +and niver say die! niver mind the change, and the expense: all fair and +above board: them as don't play can't vin, and luck attend the ryal +sportsman! Bet any gen'lm'n any sum of money, from harf-a-crown up to a +suverin, as he doesn't name the thimble as kivers the pea!' Here some +greenhorn whispers his friend that he distinctly saw the pea roll under +the middle thimble--an impression which is immediately confirmed by a +gentleman in top-boots, who is standing by, and who, in a low tone, +regrets his own inability to bet, in consequence of having unfortunately +left his purse at home, but strongly urges the stranger not to neglect +such a golden opportunity. The 'plant' is successful, the bet is made, +the stranger of course loses: and the gentleman with the thimbles +consoles him, as he pockets the money, with an assurance that it's 'all +the fortin of war! this time I vin, next time you vin: niver mind the +loss of two bob and a bender! Do it up in a small parcel, and break out +in a fresh place. Here's the sort o' game,' &c.--and the eloquent +harangue, with such variations as the speaker's exuberant fancy suggests, +is again repeated to the gaping crowd, reinforced by the accession of +several new-comers. + +The chief place of resort in the daytime, after the public-houses, is the +park, in which the principal amusement is to drag young ladies up the +steep hill which leads to the Observatory, and then drag them down again, +at the very top of their speed, greatly to the derangement of their curls +and bonnet-caps, and much to the edification of lookers-on from below. +'Kiss in the Ring,' and 'Threading my Grandmother's Needle,' too, are +sports which receive their full share of patronage. Love-sick swains, +under the influence of gin-and-water, and the tender passion, become +violently affectionate: and the fair objects of their regard enhance the +value of stolen kisses, by a vast deal of struggling, and holding down of +heads, and cries of 'Oh! Ha' done, then, George--Oh, do tickle him for +me, Mary--Well, I never!' and similar Lucretian ejaculations. Little old +men and women, with a small basket under one arm, and a wine-glass, +without a foot, in the other hand, tender 'a drop o' the right sort' to +the different groups; and young ladies, who are persuaded to indulge in a +drop of the aforesaid right sort, display a pleasing degree of reluctance +to taste it, and cough afterwards with great propriety. + +The old pensioners, who, for the moderate charge of a penny, exhibit the +mast-house, the Thames and shipping, the place where the men used to hang +in chains, and other interesting sights, through a telescope, are asked +questions about objects within the range of the glass, which it would +puzzle a Solomon to answer; and requested to find out particular houses +in particular streets, which it would have been a task of some difficulty +for Mr. Horner (not the young gentleman who ate mince-pies with his +thumb, but the man of Colosseum notoriety) to discover. Here and there, +where some three or four couple are sitting on the grass together, you +will see a sun-burnt woman in a red cloak 'telling fortunes' and +prophesying husbands, which it requires no extraordinary observation to +describe, for the originals are before her. Thereupon, the lady +concerned laughs and blushes, and ultimately buries her face in an +imitation cambric handkerchief, and the gentleman described looks +extremely foolish, and squeezes her hand, and fees the gipsy liberally; +and the gipsy goes away, perfectly satisfied herself, and leaving those +behind her perfectly satisfied also: and the prophecy, like many other +prophecies of greater importance, fulfils itself in time. + +But it grows dark: the crowd has gradually dispersed, and only a few +stragglers are left behind. The light in the direction of the church +shows that the fair is illuminated; and the distant noise proves it to be +filling fast. The spot, which half an hour ago was ringing with the +shouts of boisterous mirth, is as calm and quiet as if nothing could ever +disturb its serenity: the fine old trees, the majestic building at their +feet, with the noble river beyond, glistening in the moonlight, appear in +all their beauty, and under their most favourable aspect; the voices of +the boys, singing their evening hymn, are borne gently on the air; and +the humblest mechanic who has been lingering on the grass so pleasant to +the feet that beat the same dull round from week to week in the paved +streets of London, feels proud to think as he surveys the scene before +him, that he belongs to the country which has selected such a spot as a +retreat for its oldest and best defenders in the decline of their lives. + +Five minutes' walking brings you to the fair; a scene calculated to +awaken very different feelings. The entrance is occupied on either side +by the vendors of gingerbread and toys: the stalls are gaily lighted up, +the most attractive goods profusely disposed, and unbonneted young +ladies, in their zeal for the interest of their employers, seize you by +the coat, and use all the blandishments of 'Do, dear'--'There's a +love'--'Don't be cross, now,' &c., to induce you to purchase half a pound +of the real spice nuts, of which the majority of the regular fair-goers +carry a pound or two as a present supply, tied up in a cotton +pocket-handkerchief. Occasionally you pass a deal table, on which are +exposed pen'orths of pickled salmon (fennel included), in little white +saucers: oysters, with shells as large as cheese-plates, and divers +specimens of a species of snail (_wilks_, we think they are called), +floating in a somewhat bilious-looking green liquid. Cigars, too, are in +great demand; gentlemen must smoke, of course, and here they are, two a +penny, in a regular authentic cigar-box, with a lighted tallow candle in +the centre. + +Imagine yourself in an extremely dense crowd, which swings you to and +fro, and in and out, and every way but the right one; add to this the +screams of women, the shouts of boys, the clanging of gongs, the firing +of pistols, the ringing of bells, the bellowings of speaking-trumpets, +the squeaking of penny dittos, the noise of a dozen bands, with three +drums in each, all playing different tunes at the same time, the +hallooing of showmen, and an occasional roar from the wild-beast shows; +and you are in the very centre and heart of the fair. + +This immense booth, with the large stage in front, so brightly +illuminated with variegated lamps, and pots of burning fat, is +'Richardson's,' where you have a melodrama (with three murders and a +ghost), a pantomime, a comic song, an overture, and some incidental +music, all done in five-and-twenty minutes. + +The company are now promenading outside in all the dignity of wigs, +spangles, red-ochre, and whitening. See with what a ferocious air the +gentleman who personates the Mexican chief, paces up and down, and with +what an eye of calm dignity the principal tragedian gazes on the crowd +below, or converses confidentially with the harlequin! The four clowns, +who are engaged in a mock broadsword combat, may be all very well for the +low-minded holiday-makers; but these are the people for the reflective +portion of the community. They look so noble in those Roman dresses, +with their yellow legs and arms, long black curly heads, bushy eyebrows, +and scowl expressive of assassination, and vengeance, and everything else +that is grand and solemn. Then, the ladies--were there ever such +innocent and awful-looking beings; as they walk up and down the platform +in twos and threes, with their arms round each other's waists, or leaning +for support on one of those majestic men! Their spangled muslin dresses +and blue satin shoes and sandals (a _leetle_ the worse for wear) are the +admiration of all beholders; and the playful manner in which they check +the advances of the clown, is perfectly enchanting. + +'Just a-going to begin! Pray come for'erd, come for'erd,' exclaims the +man in the countryman's dress, for the seventieth time: and people force +their way up the steps in crowds. The band suddenly strikes up, the +harlequin and columbine set the example, reels are formed in less than no +time, the Roman heroes place their arms a-kimbo, and dance with +considerable agility; and the leading tragic actress, and the gentleman +who enacts the 'swell' in the pantomime, foot it to perfection. 'All in +to begin,' shouts the manager, when no more people can be induced to +'come for'erd,' and away rush the leading members of the company to do +the dreadful in the first piece. + +A change of performance takes place every day during the fair, but the +story of the tragedy is always pretty much the same. There is a rightful +heir, who loves a young lady, and is beloved by her; and a wrongful heir, +who loves her too, and isn't beloved by her; and the wrongful heir gets +hold of the rightful heir, and throws him into a dungeon, just to kill +him off when convenient, for which purpose he hires a couple of +assassins--a good one and a bad one--who, the moment they are left alone, +get up a little murder on their own account, the good one killing the bad +one, and the bad one wounding the good one. Then the rightful heir is +discovered in prison, carefully holding a long chain in his hands, and +seated despondingly in a large arm-chair; and the young lady comes in to +two bars of soft music, and embraces the rightful heir; and then the +wrongful heir comes in to two bars of quick music (technically called 'a +hurry'), and goes on in the most shocking manner, throwing the young lady +about as if she was nobody, and calling the rightful heir +'Ar-recreant--ar-wretch!' in a very loud voice, which answers the double +purpose of displaying his passion, and preventing the sound being +deadened by the sawdust. The interest becomes intense; the wrongful heir +draws his sword, and rushes on the rightful heir; a blue smoke is seen, a +gong is heard, and a tall white figure (who has been all this time, +behind the arm-chair, covered over with a table-cloth), slowly rises to +the tune of 'Oft in the stilly night.' This is no other than the ghost +of the rightful heir's father, who was killed by the wrongful heir's +father, at sight of which the wrongful heir becomes apoplectic, and is +literally 'struck all of a heap,' the stage not being large enough to +admit of his falling down at full length. Then the good assassin +staggers in, and says he was hired in conjunction with the bad assassin, +by the wrongful heir, to kill the rightful heir; and he's killed a good +many people in his time, but he's very sorry for it, and won't do so any +more--a promise which he immediately redeems, by dying off hand without +any nonsense about it. Then the rightful heir throws down his chain; and +then two men, a sailor, and a young woman (the tenantry of the rightful +heir) come in, and the ghost makes dumb motions to them, which they, by +supernatural interference, understand--for no one else can; and the ghost +(who can't do anything without blue fire) blesses the rightful heir and +the young lady, by half suffocating them with smoke: and then a +muffin-bell rings, and the curtain drops. + +The exhibitions next in popularity to these itinerant theatres are the +travelling menageries, or, to speak more intelligibly, the 'Wild-beast +shows,' where a military band in beef-eater's costume, with leopard-skin +caps, play incessantly; and where large highly-coloured representations +of tigers tearing men's heads open, and a lion being burnt with red-hot +irons to induce him to drop his victim, are hung up outside, by way of +attracting visitors. + +The principal officer at these places is generally a very tall, hoarse +man, in a scarlet coat, with a cane in his hand, with which he +occasionally raps the pictures we have just noticed, by way of +illustrating his description--something in this way. 'Here, here, here; +the lion, the lion (tap), exactly as he is represented on the canvas +outside (three taps): no waiting, remember; no deception. The +fe-ro-cious lion (tap, tap) who bit off the gentleman's head last +Cambervel vos a twelvemonth, and has killed on the awerage three keepers +a-year ever since he arrived at matoority. No extra charge on this +account recollect; the price of admission is only sixpence.' This +address never fails to produce a considerable sensation, and sixpences +flow into the treasury with wonderful rapidity. + +The dwarfs are also objects of great curiosity, and as a dwarf, a +giantess, a living skeleton, a wild Indian, 'a young lady of singular +beauty, with perfectly white hair and pink eyes,' and two or three other +natural curiosities, are usually exhibited together for the small charge +of a penny, they attract very numerous audiences. The best thing about a +dwarf is, that he has always a little box, about two feet six inches +high, into which, by long practice, he can just manage to get, by +doubling himself up like a boot-jack; this box is painted outside like a +six-roomed house, and as the crowd see him ring a bell, or fire a pistol +out of the first-floor window, they verily believe that it is his +ordinary town residence, divided like other mansions into drawing-rooms, +dining-parlour, and bedchambers. Shut up in this case, the unfortunate +little object is brought out to delight the throng by holding a facetious +dialogue with the proprietor: in the course of which, the dwarf (who is +always particularly drunk) pledges himself to sing a comic song inside, +and pays various compliments to the ladies, which induce them to 'come +for'erd' with great alacrity. As a giant is not so easily moved, a pair +of indescribables of most capacious dimensions, and a huge shoe, are +usually brought out, into which two or three stout men get all at once, +to the enthusiastic delight of the crowd, who are quite satisfied with +the solemn assurance that these habiliments form part of the giant's +everyday costume. + +The grandest and most numerously-frequented booth in the whole fair, +however, is 'The Crown and Anchor'--a temporary ball-room--we forget how +many hundred feet long, the price of admission to which is one shilling. +Immediately on your right hand as you enter, after paying your money, is +a refreshment place, at which cold beef, roast and boiled, French rolls, +stout, wine, tongue, ham, even fowls, if we recollect right, are +displayed in tempting array. There is a raised orchestra, and the place +is boarded all the way down, in patches, just wide enough for a country +dance. + +There is no master of the ceremonies in this artificial Eden--all is +primitive, unreserved, and unstudied. The dust is blinding, the heat +insupportable, the company somewhat noisy, and in the highest spirits +possible: the ladies, in the height of their innocent animation, dancing +in the gentlemen's hats, and the gentlemen promenading 'the gay and +festive scene' in the ladies' bonnets, or with the more expensive +ornaments of false noses, and low-crowned, tinder-box-looking hats: +playing children's drums, and accompanied by ladies on the penny trumpet. + +The noise of these various instruments, the orchestra, the shouting, the +'scratchers,' and the dancing, is perfectly bewildering. The dancing, +itself, beggars description--every figure lasts about an hour, and the +ladies bounce up and down the middle, with a degree of spirit which is +quite indescribable. As to the gentlemen, they stamp their feet against +the ground, every time 'hands four round' begins, go down the middle and +up again, with cigars in their mouths, and silk handkerchiefs in their +hands, and whirl their partners round, nothing loth, scrambling and +falling, and embracing, and knocking up against the other couples, until +they are fairly tired out, and can move no longer. The same scene is +repeated again and again (slightly varied by an occasional 'row') until a +late hour at night: and a great many clerks and 'prentices find +themselves next morning with aching heads, empty pockets, damaged hats, +and a very imperfect recollection of how it was they did _not_ get home. + + + +CHAPTER XIII--PRIVATE THEATRES + + + 'RICHARD THE THIRD.--DUKE OF GLO'STER 2_l._; EARL OF RICHMOND, 1_l_; + DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM, 15_s._; CATESBY, 12_s._; TRESSEL, 10_s._ 6_d._; + LORD STANLEY, 5_s._; LORD MAYOR OF LONDON, 2_s._ 6_d._' + +Such are the written placards wafered up in the gentlemen's +dressing-room, or the green-room (where there is any), at a private +theatre; and such are the sums extracted from the shop-till, or +overcharged in the office expenditure, by the donkeys who are prevailed +upon to pay for permission to exhibit their lamentable ignorance and +boobyism on the stage of a private theatre. This they do, in proportion +to the scope afforded by the character for the display of their +imbecility. For instance, the Duke of Glo'ster is well worth two pounds, +because he has it all to himself; he must wear a real sword, and what is +better still, he must draw it, several times in the course of the piece. +The soliloquies alone are well worth fifteen shillings; then there is the +stabbing King Henry--decidedly cheap at three-and-sixpence, that's +eighteen-and-sixpence; bullying the coffin-bearers--say eighteen-pence, +though it's worth much more--that's a pound. Then the love scene with +Lady Ann, and the bustle of the fourth act can't be dear at ten shillings +more--that's only one pound ten, including the 'off with his +head!'--which is sure to bring down the applause, and it is very easy to +do--'Orf with his ed' (very quick and loud;--then slow and +sneeringly)--'So much for Bu-u-u-uckingham!' Lay the emphasis on the +'uck;' get yourself gradually into a corner, and work with your right +hand, while you're saying it, as if you were feeling your way, and it's +sure to do. The tent scene is confessedly worth half-a-sovereign, and so +you have the fight in, gratis, and everybody knows what an effect may be +produced by a good combat. One--two--three--four--over; then, +one--two--three--four--under; then thrust; then dodge and slide about; +then fall down on one knee; then fight upon it, and then get up again and +stagger. You may keep on doing this, as long as it seems to take--say +ten minutes--and then fall down (backwards, if you can manage it without +hurting yourself), and die game: nothing like it for producing an effect. +They always do it at Astley's and Sadler's Wells, and if they don't know +how to do this sort of thing, who in the world does? A small child, or a +female in white, increases the interest of a combat materially--indeed, +we are not aware that a regular legitimate terrific broadsword combat +could be done without; but it would be rather difficult, and somewhat +unusual, to introduce this effect in the last scene of Richard the Third, +so the only thing to be done, is, just to make the best of a bad bargain, +and be as long as possible fighting it out. + +The principal patrons of private theatres are dirty boys, low +copying-clerks, in attorneys' offices, capacious-headed youths from city +counting-houses, Jews whose business, as lenders of fancy dresses, is a +sure passport to the amateur stage, shop-boys who now and then mistake +their masters' money for their own; and a choice miscellany of idle +vagabonds. The proprietor of a private theatre may be an +ex-scene-painter, a low coffee-house-keeper, a disappointed eighth-rate +actor, a retired smuggler, or uncertificated bankrupt. The theatre +itself may be in Catherine-street, Strand, the purlieus of the city, the +neighbourhood of Gray's-inn-lane, or the vicinity of Sadler's Wells; or +it may, perhaps, form the chief nuisance of some shabby street, on the +Surrey side of Waterloo-bridge. + +The lady performers pay nothing for their characters, and it is needless +to add, are usually selected from one class of society; the audiences are +necessarily of much the same character as the performers, who receive, in +return for their contributions to the management, tickets to the amount +of the money they pay. + +All the minor theatres in London, especially the lowest, constitute the +centre of a little stage-struck neighbourhood. Each of them has an +audience exclusively its own; and at any you will see dropping into the +pit at half-price, or swaggering into the back of a box, if the price of +admission be a reduced one, divers boys of from fifteen to twenty-one +years of age, who throw back their coat and turn up their wristbands, +after the portraits of Count D'Orsay, hum tunes and whistle when the +curtain is down, by way of persuading the people near them, that they are +not at all anxious to have it up again, and speak familiarly of the +inferior performers as Bill Such-a-one, and Ned So-and-so, or tell each +other how a new piece called _The Unknown Bandit of the Invisible +Cavern_, is in rehearsal; how Mister Palmer is to play _The Unknown +Bandit_; how Charley Scarton is to take the part of an English sailor, +and fight a broadsword combat with six unknown bandits, at one and the +same time (one theatrical sailor is always equal to half a dozen men at +least); how Mister Palmer and Charley Scarton are to go through a double +hornpipe in fetters in the second act; how the interior of the invisible +cavern is to occupy the whole extent of the stage; and other +town-surprising theatrical announcements. These gentlemen are the +amateurs--the _Richards_, _Shylocks_, _Beverleys_, and _Othellos_--the +_Young Dorntons_, _Rovers_, _Captain Absolutes_, and _Charles +Surfaces_--a private theatre. + +See them at the neighbouring public-house or the theatrical coffee-shop! +They are the kings of the place, supposing no real performers to be +present; and roll about, hats on one side, and arms a-kimbo, as if they +had actually come into possession of eighteen shillings a-week, and a +share of a ticket night. If one of them does but know an Astley's +supernumerary he is a happy fellow. The mingled air of envy and +admiration with which his companions will regard him, as he converses +familiarly with some mouldy-looking man in a fancy neckerchief, whose +partially corked eyebrows, and half-rouged face, testify to the fact of +his having just left the stage or the circle, sufficiently shows in what +high admiration these public characters are held. + +With the double view of guarding against the discovery of friends or +employers, and enhancing the interest of an assumed character, by +attaching a high-sounding name to its representative, these geniuses +assume fictitious names, which are not the least amusing part of the +play-bill of a private theatre. Belville, Melville, Treville, Berkeley, +Randolph, Byron, St. Clair, and so forth, are among the humblest; and the +less imposing titles of Jenkins, Walker, Thomson, Barker, Solomons, &c., +are completely laid aside. There is something imposing in this, and it +is an excellent apology for shabbiness into the bargain. A shrunken, +faded coat, a decayed hat, a patched and soiled pair of trousers--nay, +even a very dirty shirt (and none of these appearances are very uncommon +among the members of the _corps dramatique_), may be worn for the purpose +of disguise, and to prevent the remotest chance of recognition. Then it +prevents any troublesome inquiries or explanations about employment and +pursuits; everybody is a gentleman at large, for the occasion, and there +are none of those unpleasant and unnecessary distinctions to which even +genius must occasionally succumb elsewhere. As to the ladies (God bless +them), they are quite above any formal absurdities; the mere circumstance +of your being behind the scenes is a sufficient introduction to their +society--for of course they know that none but strictly respectable +persons would be admitted into that close fellowship with them, which +acting engenders. They place implicit reliance on the manager, no doubt; +and as to the manager, he is all affability when he knows you well,--or, +in other words, when he has pocketed your money once, and entertains +confident hopes of doing so again. + +A quarter before eight--there will be a full house to-night--six parties +in the boxes, already; four little boys and a woman in the pit; and two +fiddles and a flute in the orchestra, who have got through five overtures +since seven o'clock (the hour fixed for the commencement of the +performances), and have just begun the sixth. There will be plenty of +it, though, when it does begin, for there is enough in the bill to last +six hours at least. + +That gentleman in the white hat and checked shirt, brown coat and brass +buttons, lounging behind the stage-box on the O. P. side, is Mr. Horatio +St. Julien, alias Jem Larkins. His line is genteel comedy--his father's, +coal and potato. He _does_ Alfred Highflier in the last piece, and very +well he'll do it--at the price. The party of gentlemen in the opposite +box, to whom he has just nodded, are friends and supporters of Mr. +Beverley (otherwise Loggins), the _Macbeth_ of the night. You observe +their attempts to appear easy and gentlemanly, each member of the party, +with his feet cocked upon the cushion in front of the box! They let them +do these things here, upon the same humane principle which permits poor +people's children to knock double knocks at the door of an empty +house--because they can't do it anywhere else. The two stout men in the +centre box, with an opera-glass ostentatiously placed before them, are +friends of the proprietor--opulent country managers, as he confidentially +informs every individual among the crew behind the curtain--opulent +country managers looking out for recruits; a representation which Mr. +Nathan, the dresser, who is in the manager's interest, and has just +arrived with the costumes, offers to confirm upon oath if +required--corroborative evidence, however, is quite unnecessary, for the +gulls believe it at once. + +The stout Jewess who has just entered, is the mother of the pale, bony +little girl, with the necklace of blue glass beads, sitting by her; she +is being brought up to 'the profession.' Pantomime is to be her line, +and she is coming out to-night, in a hornpipe after the tragedy. The +short thin man beside Mr. St. Julien, whose white face is so deeply +seared with the small-pox, and whose dirty shirt-front is inlaid with +open-work, and embossed with coral studs like ladybirds, is the low +comedian and comic singer of the establishment. The remainder of the +audience--a tolerably numerous one by this time--are a motley group of +dupes and blackguards. + +The foot-lights have just made their appearance: the wicks of the six +little oil lamps round the only tier of boxes, are being turned up, and +the additional light thus afforded serves to show the presence of dirt, +and absence of paint, which forms a prominent feature in the audience +part of the house. As these preparations, however, announce the speedy +commencement of the play, let us take a peep 'behind,' previous to the +ringing-up. + +The little narrow passages beneath the stage are neither especially clean +nor too brilliantly lighted; and the absence of any flooring, together +with the damp mildewy smell which pervades the place, does not conduce in +any great degree to their comfortable appearance. Don't fall over this +plate basket--it's one of the 'properties'--the caldron for the witches' +cave; and the three uncouth-looking figures, with broken clothes-props in +their hands, who are drinking gin-and-water out of a pint pot, are the +weird sisters. This miserable room, lighted by candles in sconces placed +at lengthened intervals round the wall, is the dressing-room, common to +the gentlemen performers, and the square hole in the ceiling is _the_ +trap-door of the stage above. You will observe that the ceiling is +ornamented with the beams that support the boards, and tastefully hung +with cobwebs. + +The characters in the tragedy are all dressed, and their own clothes are +scattered in hurried confusion over the wooden dresser which surrounds +the room. That snuff-shop-looking figure, in front of the glass, is +_Banquo_: and the young lady with the liberal display of legs, who is +kindly painting his face with a hare's foot, is dressed for _Fleance_. +The large woman, who is consulting the stage directions in Cumberland's +edition of _Macbeth_, is the _Lady Macbeth_ of the night; she is always +selected to play the part, because she is tall and stout, and _looks_ a +little like Mrs. Siddons--at a considerable distance. That +stupid-looking milksop, with light hair and bow legs--a kind of man whom +you can warrant town-made--is fresh caught; he plays _Malcolm_ to-night, +just to accustom himself to an audience. He will get on better by +degrees; he will play _Othello_ in a month, and in a month more, will +very probably be apprehended on a charge of embezzlement. The black-eyed +female with whom he is talking so earnestly, is dressed for the +'gentlewoman.' It is _her_ first appearance, too--in that character. +The boy of fourteen who is having his eyebrows smeared with soap and +whitening, is _Duncan_, King of Scotland; and the two dirty men with the +corked countenances, in very old green tunics, and dirty drab boots, are +the 'army.' + +'Look sharp below there, gents,' exclaims the dresser, a red-headed and +red-whiskered Jew, calling through the trap, 'they're a-going to ring up. +The flute says he'll be blowed if he plays any more, and they're getting +precious noisy in front.' A general rush immediately takes place to the +half-dozen little steep steps leading to the stage, and the heterogeneous +group are soon assembled at the side scenes, in breathless anxiety and +motley confusion. + +'Now,' cries the manager, consulting the written list which hangs behind +the first P. S, wing, 'Scene 1, open country--lamps down--thunder and +lightning--all ready, White?' [This is addressed to one of the army.] +'All ready.'--'Very well. Scene 2, front chamber. Is the front chamber +down?'--'Yes.'--'Very well.'--'Jones' [to the other army who is up in the +flies]. 'Hallo!'--'Wind up the open country when we ring up.'--'I'll +take care.'--'Scene 3, back perspective with practical bridge. Bridge +ready, White? Got the tressels there?'--'All right.' + +'Very well. Clear the stage,' cries the manager, hastily packing every +member of the company into the little space there is between the wings +and the wall, and one wing and another. 'Places, places. Now then, +Witches--Duncan--Malcolm--bleeding officer--where's the bleeding +officer?'--'Here!' replies the officer, who has been rose-pinking for the +character. 'Get ready, then; now, White, ring the second music-bell.' +The actors who are to be discovered, are hastily arranged, and the actors +who are not to be discovered place themselves, in their anxiety to peep +at the house, just where the audience can see them. The bell rings, and +the orchestra, in acknowledgment of the call, play three distinct chords. +The bell rings--the tragedy (!) opens--and our description closes. + + + +CHAPTER XIV--VAUXHALL-GARDENS BY DAY + + +There was a time when if a man ventured to wonder how Vauxhall-gardens +would look by day, he was hailed with a shout of derision at the +absurdity of the idea. Vauxhall by daylight! A porter-pot without +porter, the House of Commons without the Speaker, a gas-lamp without the +gas--pooh, nonsense, the thing was not to be thought of. It was +rumoured, too, in those times, that Vauxhall-gardens by day, were the +scene of secret and hidden experiments; that there, carvers were +exercised in the mystic art of cutting a moderate-sized ham into slices +thin enough to pave the whole of the grounds; that beneath the shade of +the tall trees, studious men were constantly engaged in chemical +experiments, with the view of discovering how much water a bowl of negus +could possibly bear; and that in some retired nooks, appropriated to the +study of ornithology, other sage and learned men were, by a process known +only to themselves, incessantly employed in reducing fowls to a mere +combination of skin and bone. + +Vague rumours of this kind, together with many others of a similar +nature, cast over Vauxhall-gardens an air of deep mystery; and as there +is a great deal in the mysterious, there is no doubt that to a good many +people, at all events, the pleasure they afforded was not a little +enhanced by this very circumstance. + +Of this class of people we confess to having made one. We loved to +wander among these illuminated groves, thinking of the patient and +laborious researches which had been carried on there during the day, and +witnessing their results in the suppers which were served up beneath the +light of lamps and to the sound of music at night. The temples and +saloons and cosmoramas and fountains glittered and sparkled before our +eyes; the beauty of the lady singers and the elegant deportment of the +gentlemen, captivated our hearts; a few hundred thousand of additional +lamps dazzled our senses; a bowl or two of punch bewildered our brains; +and we were happy. + +In an evil hour, the proprietors of Vauxhall-gardens took to opening them +by day. We regretted this, as rudely and harshly disturbing that veil of +mystery which had hung about the property for many years, and which none +but the noonday sun, and the late Mr. Simpson, had ever penetrated. We +shrunk from going; at this moment we scarcely know why. Perhaps a morbid +consciousness of approaching disappointment--perhaps a fatal +presentiment--perhaps the weather; whatever it was, we did _not_ go until +the second or third announcement of a race between two balloons tempted +us, and we went. + +We paid our shilling at the gate, and then we saw for the first time, +that the entrance, if there had been any magic about it at all, was now +decidedly disenchanted, being, in fact, nothing more nor less than a +combination of very roughly-painted boards and sawdust. We glanced at +the orchestra and supper-room as we hurried past--we just recognised +them, and that was all. We bent our steps to the firework-ground; there, +at least, we should not be disappointed. We reached it, and stood rooted +to the spot with mortification and astonishment. _That_ the Moorish +tower--that wooden shed with a door in the centre, and daubs of crimson +and yellow all round, like a gigantic watch-case! _That_ the place where +night after night we had beheld the undaunted Mr. Blackmore make his +terrific ascent, surrounded by flames of fire, and peals of artillery, +and where the white garments of Madame Somebody (we forget even her name +now), who nobly devoted her life to the manufacture of fireworks, had so +often been seen fluttering in the wind, as she called up a red, blue, or +party-coloured light to illumine her temple! _That_ the--but at this +moment the bell rung; the people scampered away, pell-mell, to the spot +from whence the sound proceeded; and we, from the mere force of habit, +found ourself running among the first, as if for very life. + +It was for the concert in the orchestra. A small party of dismal men in +cocked hats were 'executing' the overture to _Tancredi_, and a numerous +assemblage of ladies and gentlemen, with their families, had rushed from +their half-emptied stout mugs in the supper boxes, and crowded to the +spot. Intense was the low murmur of admiration when a particularly small +gentleman, in a dress coat, led on a particularly tall lady in a blue +sarcenet pelisse and bonnet of the same, ornamented with large white +feathers, and forthwith commenced a plaintive duet. + +We knew the small gentleman well; we had seen a lithographed semblance of +him, on many a piece of music, with his mouth wide open as if in the act +of singing; a wine-glass in his hand; and a table with two decanters and +four pine-apples on it in the background. The tall lady, too, we had +gazed on, lost in raptures of admiration, many and many a time--how +different people _do_ look by daylight, and without punch, to be sure! +It was a beautiful duet: first the small gentleman asked a question, and +then the tall lady answered it; then the small gentleman and the tall +lady sang together most melodiously; then the small gentleman went +through a little piece of vehemence by himself, and got very tenor +indeed, in the excitement of his feelings, to which the tall lady +responded in a similar manner; then the small gentleman had a shake or +two, after which the tall lady had the same, and then they both merged +imperceptibly into the original air: and the band wound themselves up to +a pitch of fury, and the small gentleman handed the tall lady out, and +the applause was rapturous. + +The comic singer, however, was the especial favourite; we really thought +that a gentleman, with his dinner in a pocket-handkerchief, who stood +near us, would have fainted with excess of joy. A marvellously facetious +gentleman that comic singer is; his distinguishing characteristics are, a +wig approaching to the flaxen, and an aged countenance, and he bears the +name of one of the English counties, if we recollect right. He sang a +very good song about the seven ages, the first half-hour of which +afforded the assembly the purest delight; of the rest we can make no +report, as we did not stay to hear any more. + +We walked about, and met with a disappointment at every turn; our +favourite views were mere patches of paint; the fountain that had +sparkled so showily by lamp-light, presented very much the appearance of +a water-pipe that had burst; all the ornaments were dingy, and all the +walks gloomy. There was a spectral attempt at rope-dancing in the little +open theatre. The sun shone upon the spangled dresses of the performers, +and their evolutions were about as inspiriting and appropriate as a +country-dance in a family vault. So we retraced our steps to the +firework-ground, and mingled with the little crowd of people who were +contemplating Mr. Green. + +Some half-dozen men were restraining the impetuosity of one of the +balloons, which was completely filled, and had the car already attached; +and as rumours had gone abroad that a Lord was 'going up,' the crowd were +more than usually anxious and talkative. There was one little man in +faded black, with a dirty face and a rusty black neckerchief with a red +border, tied in a narrow wisp round his neck, who entered into +conversation with everybody, and had something to say upon every remark +that was made within his hearing. He was standing with his arms folded, +staring up at the balloon, and every now and then vented his feelings of +reverence for the aeronaut, by saying, as he looked round to catch +somebody's eye, 'He's a rum 'un is Green; think o' this here being +up'ards of his two hundredth ascent; ecod, the man as is ekal to Green +never had the toothache yet, nor won't have within this hundred year, and +that's all about it. When you meets with real talent, and native, too, +encourage it, that's what I say;' and when he had delivered himself to +this effect, he would fold his arms with more determination than ever, +and stare at the balloon with a sort of admiring defiance of any other +man alive, beyond himself and Green, that impressed the crowd with the +opinion that he was an oracle. + +'Ah, you're very right, sir,' said another gentleman, with his wife, and +children, and mother, and wife's sister, and a host of female friends, in +all the gentility of white pocket-handkerchiefs, frills, and spencers, +'Mr. Green is a steady hand, sir, and there's no fear about him.' + +'Fear!' said the little man: 'isn't it a lovely thing to see him and his +wife a going up in one balloon, and his own son and _his_ wife a jostling +up against them in another, and all of them going twenty or thirty mile +in three hours or so, and then coming back in pochayses? I don't know +where this here science is to stop, mind you; that's what bothers me.' + +Here there was a considerable talking among the females in the spencers. + +'What's the ladies a laughing at, sir?' inquired the little man, +condescendingly. + +'It's only my sister Mary,' said one of the girls, 'as says she hopes his +lordship won't be frightened when he's in the car, and want to come out +again.' + +'Make yourself easy about that there, my dear,' replied the little man. +'If he was so much as to move a inch without leave, Green would jist +fetch him a crack over the head with the telescope, as would send him +into the bottom of the basket in no time, and stun him till they come +down again.' + +'Would he, though?' inquired the other man. + +'Yes, would he,' replied the little one, 'and think nothing of it, +neither, if he was the king himself. Green's presence of mind is +wonderful.' + +Just at this moment all eyes were directed to the preparations which were +being made for starting. The car was attached to the second balloon, the +two were brought pretty close together, and a military band commenced +playing, with a zeal and fervour which would render the most timid man in +existence but too happy to accept any means of quitting that particular +spot of earth on which they were stationed. Then Mr. Green, sen., and +his noble companion entered one car, and Mr. Green, jun., and _his_ +companion the other; and then the balloons went up, and the aerial +travellers stood up, and the crowd outside roared with delight, and the +two gentlemen who had never ascended before, tried to wave their flags, +as if they were not nervous, but held on very fast all the while; and the +balloons were wafted gently away, our little friend solemnly protesting, +long after they were reduced to mere specks in the air, that he could +still distinguish the white hat of Mr. Green. The gardens disgorged +their multitudes, boys ran up and down screaming 'bal-loon;' and in all +the crowded thoroughfares people rushed out of their shops into the +middle of the road, and having stared up in the air at two little black +objects till they almost dislocated their necks, walked slowly in again, +perfectly satisfied. + +The next day there was a grand account of the ascent in the morning +papers, and the public were informed how it was the finest day but four +in Mr. Green's remembrance; how they retained sight of the earth till +they lost it behind the clouds; and how the reflection of the balloon on +the undulating masses of vapour was gorgeously picturesque; together with +a little science about the refraction of the sun's rays, and some +mysterious hints respecting atmospheric heat and eddying currents of air. + +There was also an interesting account how a man in a boat was distinctly +heard by Mr. Green, jun., to exclaim, 'My eye!' which Mr. Green, jun., +attributed to his voice rising to the balloon, and the sound being thrown +back from its surface into the car; and the whole concluded with a slight +allusion to another ascent next Wednesday, all of which was very +instructive and very amusing, as our readers will see if they look to the +papers. If we have forgotten to mention the date, they have only to wait +till next summer, and take the account of the first ascent, and it will +answer the purpose equally well. + + + +CHAPTER XV--EARLY COACHES + + +We have often wondered how many months' incessant travelling in a +post-chaise it would take to kill a man; and wondering by analogy, we +should very much like to know how many months of constant travelling in a +succession of early coaches, an unfortunate mortal could endure. +Breaking a man alive upon the wheel, would be nothing to breaking his +rest, his peace, his heart--everything but his fast--upon four; and the +punishment of Ixion (the only practical person, by-the-bye, who has +discovered the secret of the perpetual motion) would sink into utter +insignificance before the one we have suggested. If we had been a +powerful churchman in those good times when blood was shed as freely as +water, and men were mowed down like grass, in the sacred cause of +religion, we would have lain by very quietly till we got hold of some +especially obstinate miscreant, who positively refused to be converted to +our faith, and then we would have booked him for an inside place in a +small coach, which travelled day and night: and securing the remainder of +the places for stout men with a slight tendency to coughing and spitting, +we would have started him forth on his last travels: leaving him +mercilessly to all the tortures which the waiters, landlords, coachmen, +guards, boots, chambermaids, and other familiars on his line of road, +might think proper to inflict. + +Who has not experienced the miseries inevitably consequent upon a summons +to undertake a hasty journey? You receive an intimation from your place +of business--wherever that may be, or whatever you may be--that it will +be necessary to leave town without delay. You and your family are +forthwith thrown into a state of tremendous excitement; an express is +immediately dispatched to the washerwoman's; everybody is in a bustle; +and you, yourself, with a feeling of dignity which you cannot altogether +conceal, sally forth to the booking-office to secure your place. Here a +painful consciousness of your own unimportance first rushes on your +mind--the people are as cool and collected as if nobody were going out of +town, or as if a journey of a hundred odd miles were a mere nothing. You +enter a mouldy-looking room, ornamented with large posting-bills; the +greater part of the place enclosed behind a huge, lumbering, rough +counter, and fitted up with recesses that look like the dens of the +smaller animals in a travelling menagerie, without the bars. Some +half-dozen people are 'booking' brown-paper parcels, which one of the +clerks flings into the aforesaid recesses with an air of recklessness +which you, remembering the new carpet-bag you bought in the morning, feel +considerably annoyed at; porters, looking like so many Atlases, keep +rushing in and out, with large packages on their shoulders; and while you +are waiting to make the necessary inquiries, you wonder what on earth the +booking-office clerks can have been before they were booking-office +clerks; one of them with his pen behind his ear, and his hands behind +him, is standing in front of the fire, like a full-length portrait of +Napoleon; the other with his hat half off his head, enters the +passengers' names in the books with a coolness which is inexpressibly +provoking; and the villain whistles--actually whistles--while a man asks +him what the fare is outside, all the way to Holyhead!--in frosty +weather, too! They are clearly an isolated race, evidently possessing no +sympathies or feelings in common with the rest of mankind. Your turn +comes at last, and having paid the fare, you tremblingly inquire--'What +time will it be necessary for me to be here in the morning?'--'Six +o'clock,' replies the whistler, carelessly pitching the sovereign you +have just parted with, into a wooden bowl on the desk. 'Rather before +than arter,' adds the man with the semi-roasted unmentionables, with just +as much ease and complacency as if the whole world got out of bed at +five. You turn into the street, ruminating as you bend your steps +homewards on the extent to which men become hardened in cruelty, by +custom. + +If there be one thing in existence more miserable than another, it most +unquestionably is the being compelled to rise by candlelight. If you +have ever doubted the fact, you are painfully convinced of your error, on +the morning of your departure. You left strict orders, overnight, to be +called at half-past four, and you have done nothing all night but doze +for five minutes at a time, and start up suddenly from a terrific dream +of a large church-clock with the small hand running round, with +astonishing rapidity, to every figure on the dial-plate. At last, +completely exhausted, you fall gradually into a refreshing sleep--your +thoughts grow confused--the stage-coaches, which have been 'going off' +before your eyes all night, become less and less distinct, until they go +off altogether; one moment you are driving with all the skill and +smartness of an experienced whip--the next you are exhibiting _a la_ +Ducrow, on the off-leader; anon you are closely muffled up, inside, and +have just recognised in the person of the guard an old schoolfellow, +whose funeral, even in your dream, you remember to have attended eighteen +years ago. At last you fall into a state of complete oblivion, from +which you are aroused, as if into a new state of existence, by a singular +illusion. You are apprenticed to a trunk-maker; how, or why, or when, or +wherefore, you don't take the trouble to inquire; but there you are, +pasting the lining in the lid of a portmanteau. Confound that other +apprentice in the back shop, how he is hammering!--rap, rap, rap--what an +industrious fellow he must be! you have heard him at work for half an +hour past, and he has been hammering incessantly the whole time. Rap, +rap, rap, again--he's talking now--what's that he said? Five o'clock! +You make a violent exertion, and start up in bed. The vision is at once +dispelled; the trunk-maker's shop is your own bedroom, and the other +apprentice your shivering servant, who has been vainly endeavouring to +wake you for the last quarter of an hour, at the imminent risk of +breaking either his own knuckles or the panels of the door. + +You proceed to dress yourself, with all possible dispatch. The flaring +flat candle with the long snuff, gives light enough to show that the +things you want, are not where they ought to be, and you undergo a +trifling delay in consequence of having carefully packed up one of your +boots in your over-anxiety of the preceding night. You soon complete +your toilet, however, for you are not particular on such an occasion, and +you shaved yesterday evening; so mounting your Petersham great-coat, and +green travelling shawl, and grasping your carpet-bag in your right hand, +you walk lightly down-stairs, lest you should awaken any of the family, +and after pausing in the common sitting-room for one moment, just to have +a cup of coffee (the said common sitting-room looking remarkably +comfortable, with everything out of its place, and strewed with the +crumbs of last night's supper), you undo the chain and bolts of the +street-door, and find yourself fairly in the street. + +A thaw, by all that is miserable! The frost is completely broken up. You +look down the long perspective of Oxford-street, the gas-lights +mournfully reflected on the wet pavement, and can discern no speck in the +road to encourage the belief that there is a cab or a coach to be +had--the very coachmen have gone home in despair. The cold sleet is +drizzling down with that gentle regularity, which betokens a duration of +four-and-twenty hours at least; the damp hangs upon the house-tops and +lamp-posts, and clings to you like an invisible cloak. The water is +'coming in' in every area, the pipes have burst, the water-butts are +running over; the kennels seem to be doing matches against time, +pump-handles descend of their own accord, horses in market-carts fall +down, and there's no one to help them up again, policemen look as if they +had been carefully sprinkled with powdered glass; here and there a +milk-woman trudges slowly along, with a bit of list round each foot to +keep her from slipping; boys who 'don't sleep in the house,' and are not +allowed much sleep out of it, can't wake their masters by thundering at +the shop-door, and cry with the cold--the compound of ice, snow, and +water on the pavement, is a couple of inches thick--nobody ventures to +walk fast to keep himself warm, and nobody could succeed in keeping +himself warm if he did. + +It strikes a quarter past five as you trudge down Waterloo-place on your +way to the Golden Cross, and you discover, for the first time, that you +were called about an hour too early. You have not time to go back; there +is no place open to go into, and you have, therefore, no resource but to +go forward, which you do, feeling remarkably satisfied with yourself, and +everything about you. You arrive at the office, and look wistfully up +the yard for the Birmingham High-flier, which, for aught you can see, may +have flown away altogether, for preparations appear to be on foot for the +departure of any vehicle in the shape of a coach. You wander into the +booking-office, which with the gas-lights and blazing fire, looks quite +comfortable by contrast--that is to say, if any place _can_ look +comfortable at half-past five on a winter's morning. There stands the +identical book-keeper in the same position as if he had not moved since +you saw him yesterday. As he informs you, that the coach is up the yard, +and will be brought round in about a quarter of an hour, you leave your +bag, and repair to 'The Tap'--not with any absurd idea of warming +yourself, because you feel such a result to be utterly hopeless, but for +the purpose of procuring some hot brandy-and-water, which you do,--when +the kettle boils! an event which occurs exactly two minutes and a half +before the time fixed for the starting of the coach. + +The first stroke of six, peals from St. Martin's church steeple, just as +you take the first sip of the boiling liquid. You find yourself at the +booking-office in two seconds, and the tap-waiter finds himself much +comforted by your brandy-and-water, in about the same period. The coach +is out; the horses are in, and the guard and two or three porters, are +stowing the luggage away, and running up the steps of the booking-office, +and down the steps of the booking-office, with breathless rapidity. The +place, which a few minutes ago was so still and quiet, is now all bustle; +the early vendors of the morning papers have arrived, and you are +assailed on all sides with shouts of '_Times_, gen'lm'n, _Times_,' +'Here's _Chron--Chron--Chron_,' '_Herald_, ma'am,' 'Highly interesting +murder, gen'lm'n,' 'Curious case o' breach o' promise, ladies.' The +inside passengers are already in their dens, and the outsides, with the +exception of yourself, are pacing up and down the pavement to keep +themselves warm; they consist of two young men with very long hair, to +which the sleet has communicated the appearance of crystallised rats' +tails; one thin young woman cold and peevish, one old gentleman ditto +ditto, and something in a cloak and cap, intended to represent a military +officer; every member of the party, with a large stiff shawl over his +chin, looking exactly as if he were playing a set of Pan's pipes. + +'Take off the cloths, Bob,' says the coachman, who now appears for the +first time, in a rough blue great-coat, of which the buttons behind are +so far apart, that you can't see them both at the same time. 'Now, +gen'lm'n,' cries the guard, with the waybill in his hand. 'Five minutes +behind time already!' Up jump the passengers--the two young men smoking +like lime-kilns, and the old gentleman grumbling audibly. The thin young +woman is got upon the roof, by dint of a great deal of pulling, and +pushing, and helping and trouble, and she repays it by expressing her +solemn conviction that she will never be able to get down again. + +'All right,' sings out the guard at last, jumping up as the coach starts, +and blowing his horn directly afterwards, in proof of the soundness of +his wind. 'Let 'em go, Harry, give 'em their heads,' cries the +coachman--and off we start as briskly as if the morning were 'all right,' +as well as the coach: and looking forward as anxiously to the termination +of our journey, as we fear our readers will have done, long since, to the +conclusion of our paper. + + + +CHAPTER XVI--OMNIBUSES + + +It is very generally allowed that public conveyances afford an extensive +field for amusement and observation. Of all the public conveyances that +have been constructed since the days of the Ark--we think that is the +earliest on record--to the present time, commend us to an omnibus. A +long stage is not to be despised, but there you have only six insides, +and the chances are, that the same people go all the way with you--there +is no change, no variety. Besides, after the first twelve hours or so, +people get cross and sleepy, and when you have seen a man in his +nightcap, you lose all respect for him; at least, that is the case with +us. Then on smooth roads people frequently get prosy, and tell long +stories, and even those who don't talk, may have very unpleasant +predilections. We once travelled four hundred miles, inside a +stage-coach, with a stout man, who had a glass of rum-and-water, warm, +handed in at the window at every place where we changed horses. This was +decidedly unpleasant. We have also travelled occasionally, with a small +boy of a pale aspect, with light hair, and no perceptible neck, coming up +to town from school under the protection of the guard, and directed to be +left at the Cross Keys till called for. This is, perhaps, even worse +than rum-and-water in a close atmosphere. Then there is the whole train +of evils consequent on a change of the coachman; and the misery of the +discovery--which the guard is sure to make the moment you begin to +doze--that he wants a brown-paper parcel, which he distinctly remembers +to have deposited under the seat on which you are reposing. A great deal +of bustle and groping takes place, and when you are thoroughly awakened, +and severely cramped, by holding your legs up by an almost supernatural +exertion, while he is looking behind them, it suddenly occurs to him that +he put it in the fore-boot. Bang goes the door; the parcel is +immediately found; off starts the coach again; and the guard plays the +key-bugle as loud as he can play it, as if in mockery of your +wretchedness. + +Now, you meet with none of these afflictions in an omnibus; sameness +there can never be. The passengers change as often in the course of one +journey as the figures in a kaleidoscope, and though not so glittering, +are far more amusing. We believe there is no instance on record, of a +man's having gone to sleep in one of these vehicles. As to long stories, +would any man venture to tell a long story in an omnibus? and even if he +did, where would be the harm? nobody could possibly hear what he was +talking about. Again; children, though occasionally, are not often to be +found in an omnibus; and even when they are, if the vehicle be full, as +is generally the case, somebody sits upon them, and we are unconscious of +their presence. Yes, after mature reflection, and considerable +experience, we are decidedly of opinion, that of all known vehicles, from +the glass-coach in which we were taken to be christened, to that sombre +caravan in which we must one day make our last earthly journey, there is +nothing like an omnibus. + +We will back the machine in which we make our daily peregrination from +the top of Oxford-street to the city, against any 'buss' on the road, +whether it be for the gaudiness of its exterior, the perfect simplicity +of its interior, or the native coolness of its cad. This young gentleman +is a singular instance of self-devotion; his somewhat intemperate zeal on +behalf of his employers, is constantly getting him into trouble, and +occasionally into the house of correction. He is no sooner emancipated, +however, than he resumes the duties of his profession with unabated +ardour. His principal distinction is his activity. His great boast is, +'that he can chuck an old gen'lm'n into the buss, shut him in, and rattle +off, afore he knows where it's a-going to'--a feat which he frequently +performs, to the infinite amusement of every one but the old gentleman +concerned, who, somehow or other, never can see the joke of the thing. + +We are not aware that it has ever been precisely ascertained, how many +passengers our omnibus will contain. The impression on the cad's mind +evidently is, that it is amply sufficient for the accommodation of any +number of persons that can be enticed into it. 'Any room?' cries a hot +pedestrian. 'Plenty o' room, sir,' replies the conductor, gradually +opening the door, and not disclosing the real state of the case, until +the wretched man is on the steps. 'Where?' inquires the entrapped +individual, with an attempt to back out again. 'Either side, sir,' +rejoins the cad, shoving him in, and slamming the door. 'All right, +Bill.' Retreat is impossible; the new-comer rolls about, till he falls +down somewhere, and there he stops. + +As we get into the city a little before ten, four or five of our party +are regular passengers. We always take them up at the same places, and +they generally occupy the same seats; they are always dressed in the same +manner, and invariably discuss the same topics--the increasing rapidity +of cabs, and the disregard of moral obligations evinced by omnibus men. +There is a little testy old man, with a powdered head, who always sits on +the right-hand side of the door as you enter, with his hands folded on +the top of his umbrella. He is extremely impatient, and sits there for +the purpose of keeping a sharp eye on the cad, with whom he generally +holds a running dialogue. He is very officious in helping people in and +out, and always volunteers to give the cad a poke with his umbrella, when +any one wants to alight. He usually recommends ladies to have sixpence +ready, to prevent delay; and if anybody puts a window down, that he can +reach, he immediately puts it up again. + +'Now, what are you stopping for?' says the little man every morning, the +moment there is the slightest indication of 'pulling up' at the corner of +Regent-street, when some such dialogue as the following takes place +between him and the cad: + +'What are you stopping for?' + +Here the cad whistles, and affects not to hear the question. + +'I say [a poke], what are you stopping for?' + +'For passengers, sir. Ba--nk.--Ty.' + +'I know you're stopping for passengers; but you've no business to do so. +_Why_ are you stopping?' + +'Vy, sir, that's a difficult question. I think it is because we perfer +stopping here to going on.' + +'Now mind,' exclaims the little old man, with great vehemence, 'I'll pull +you up to-morrow; I've often threatened to do it; now I will.' + +'Thankee, sir,' replies the cad, touching his hat with a mock expression +of gratitude;--'werry much obliged to you indeed, sir.' Here the young +men in the omnibus laugh very heartily, and the old gentleman gets very +red in the face, and seems highly exasperated. + +The stout gentleman in the white neckcloth, at the other end of the +vehicle, looks very prophetic, and says that something must shortly be +done with these fellows, or there's no saying where all this will end; +and the shabby-genteel man with the green bag, expresses his entire +concurrence in the opinion, as he has done regularly every morning for +the last six months. + +A second omnibus now comes up, and stops immediately behind us. Another +old gentleman elevates his cane in the air, and runs with all his might +towards our omnibus; we watch his progress with great interest; the door +is opened to receive him, he suddenly disappears--he has been spirited +away by the opposition. Hereupon the driver of the opposition taunts our +people with his having 'regularly done 'em out of that old swell,' and +the voice of the 'old swell' is heard, vainly protesting against this +unlawful detention. We rattle off, the other omnibus rattles after us, +and every time we stop to take up a passenger, they stop to take him too; +sometimes we get him; sometimes they get him; but whoever don't get him, +say they ought to have had him, and the cads of the respective vehicles +abuse one another accordingly. + +As we arrive in the vicinity of Lincoln's-inn-fields, Bedford-row, and +other legal haunts, we drop a great many of our original passengers, and +take up fresh ones, who meet with a very sulky reception. It is rather +remarkable, that the people already in an omnibus, always look at +newcomers, as if they entertained some undefined idea that they have no +business to come in at all. We are quite persuaded the little old man +has some notion of this kind, and that he considers their entry as a sort +of negative impertinence. + +Conversation is now entirely dropped; each person gazes vacantly through +the window in front of him, and everybody thinks that his opposite +neighbour is staring at him. If one man gets out at Shoe-lane, and +another at the corner of Farringdon-street, the little old gentleman +grumbles, and suggests to the latter, that if he had got out at Shoe-lane +too, he would have saved them the delay of another stoppage; whereupon +the young men laugh again, and the old gentleman looks very solemn, and +says nothing more till he gets to the Bank, when he trots off as fast as +he can, leaving us to do the same, and to wish, as we walk away, that we +could impart to others any portion of the amusement we have gained for +ourselves. + + + +CHAPTER XVII--THE LAST CAB-DRIVER, AND THE FIRST OMNIBUS CAD + + +Of all the cabriolet-drivers whom we have ever had the honour and +gratification of knowing by sight--and our acquaintance in this way has +been most extensive--there is one who made an impression on our mind +which can never be effaced, and who awakened in our bosom a feeling of +admiration and respect, which we entertain a fatal presentiment will +never be called forth again by any human being. He was a man of most +simple and prepossessing appearance. He was a brown-whiskered, +white-hatted, no-coated cabman; his nose was generally red, and his +bright blue eye not unfrequently stood out in bold relief against a black +border of artificial workmanship; his boots were of the Wellington form, +pulled up to meet his corduroy knee-smalls, or at least to approach as +near them as their dimensions would admit of; and his neck was usually +garnished with a bright yellow handkerchief. In summer he carried in his +mouth a flower; in winter, a straw--slight, but, to a contemplative mind, +certain indications of a love of nature, and a taste for botany. + +His cabriolet was gorgeously painted--a bright red; and wherever we went, +City or West End, Paddington or Holloway, North, East, West, or South, +there was the red cab, bumping up against the posts at the street +corners, and turning in and out, among hackney-coaches, and drays, and +carts, and waggons, and omnibuses, and contriving by some strange means +or other, to get out of places which no other vehicle but the red cab +could ever by any possibility have contrived to get into at all. Our +fondness for that red cab was unbounded. How we should have liked to +have seen it in the circle at Astley's! Our life upon it, that it should +have performed such evolutions as would have put the whole company to +shame--Indian chiefs, knights, Swiss peasants, and all. + +Some people object to the exertion of getting into cabs, and others +object to the difficulty of getting out of them; we think both these are +objections which take their rise in perverse and ill-conditioned minds. +The getting into a cab is a very pretty and graceful process, which, when +well performed, is essentially melodramatic. First, there is the +expressive pantomime of every one of the eighteen cabmen on the stand, +the moment you raise your eyes from the ground. Then there is your own +pantomime in reply--quite a little ballet. Four cabs immediately leave +the stand, for your especial accommodation; and the evolutions of the +animals who draw them, are beautiful in the extreme, as they grate the +wheels of the cabs against the curb-stones, and sport playfully in the +kennel. You single out a particular cab, and dart swiftly towards it. +One bound, and you are on the first step; turn your body lightly round to +the right, and you are on the second; bend gracefully beneath the reins, +working round to the left at the same time, and you are in the cab. +There is no difficulty in finding a seat: the apron knocks you +comfortably into it at once, and off you go. + +The getting out of a cab is, perhaps, rather more complicated in its +theory, and a shade more difficult in its execution. We have studied the +subject a great deal, and we think the best way is, to throw yourself +out, and trust to chance for alighting on your feet. If you make the +driver alight first, and then throw yourself upon him, you will find that +he breaks your fall materially. In the event of your contemplating an +offer of eightpence, on no account make the tender, or show the money, +until you are safely on the pavement. It is very bad policy attempting +to save the fourpence. You are very much in the power of a cabman, and +he considers it a kind of fee not to do you any wilful damage. Any +instruction, however, in the art of getting out of a cab, is wholly +unnecessary if you are going any distance, because the probability is, +that you will be shot lightly out before you have completed the third +mile. + +We are not aware of any instance on record in which a cab-horse has +performed three consecutive miles without going down once. What of that? +It is all excitement. And in these days of derangement of the nervous +system and universal lassitude, people are content to pay handsomely for +excitement; where can it be procured at a cheaper rate? + +But to return to the red cab; it was omnipresent. You had but to walk +down Holborn, or Fleet-street, or any of the principal thoroughfares in +which there is a great deal of traffic, and judge for yourself. You had +hardly turned into the street, when you saw a trunk or two, lying on the +ground: an uprooted post, a hat-box, a portmanteau, and a carpet-bag, +strewed about in a very picturesque manner: a horse in a cab standing by, +looking about him with great unconcern; and a crowd, shouting and +screaming with delight, cooling their flushed faces against the glass +windows of a chemist's shop.--'What's the matter here, can you tell +me?'--'O'ny a cab, sir.'--'Anybody hurt, do you know?'--'O'ny the fare, +sir. I see him a turnin' the corner, and I ses to another gen'lm'n +"that's a reg'lar little oss that, and he's a comin' along rayther sweet, +an't he?"--"He just is," ses the other gen'lm'n, ven bump they cums agin +the post, and out flies the fare like bricks.' Need we say it was the +red cab; or that the gentleman with the straw in his mouth, who emerged +so coolly from the chemist's shop and philosophically climbing into the +little dickey, started off at full gallop, was the red cab's licensed +driver? + +The ubiquity of this red cab, and the influence it exercised over the +risible muscles of justice itself, was perfectly astonishing. You walked +into the justice-room of the Mansion-house; the whole court resounded +with merriment. The Lord Mayor threw himself back in his chair, in a +state of frantic delight at his own joke; every vein in Mr. Hobler's +countenance was swollen with laughter, partly at the Lord Mayor's +facetiousness, but more at his own; the constables and police-officers +were (as in duty bound) in ecstasies at Mr. Hobler and the Lord Mayor +combined; and the very paupers, glancing respectfully at the beadle's +countenance, tried to smile, as even he relaxed. A tall, weazen-faced +man, with an impediment in his speech, would be endeavouring to state a +case of imposition against the red cab's driver; and the red cab's +driver, and the Lord Mayor, and Mr. Hobler, would be having a little fun +among themselves, to the inordinate delight of everybody but the +complainant. In the end, justice would be so tickled with the red +cab-driver's native humour, that the fine would be mitigated, and he +would go away full gallop, in the red cab, to impose on somebody else +without loss of time. + +The driver of the red cab, confident in the strength of his own moral +principles, like many other philosophers, was wont to set the feelings +and opinions of society at complete defiance. Generally speaking, +perhaps, he would as soon carry a fare safely to his destination, as he +would upset him--sooner, perhaps, because in that case he not only got +the money, but had the additional amusement of running a longer heat +against some smart rival. But society made war upon him in the shape of +penalties, and he must make war upon society in his own way. This was +the reasoning of the red cab-driver. So, he bestowed a searching look +upon the fare, as he put his hand in his waistcoat pocket, when he had +gone half the mile, to get the money ready; and if he brought forth +eightpence, out he went. + +The last time we saw our friend was one wet evening in +Tottenham-court-road, when he was engaged in a very warm and somewhat +personal altercation with a loquacious little gentleman in a green coat. +Poor fellow! there were great excuses to be made for him: he had not +received above eighteenpence more than his fare, and consequently +laboured under a great deal of very natural indignation. The dispute had +attained a pretty considerable height, when at last the loquacious little +gentleman, making a mental calculation of the distance, and finding that +he had already paid more than he ought, avowed his unalterable +determination to 'pull up' the cabman in the morning. + +'Now, just mark this, young man,' said the little gentleman, 'I'll pull +you up to-morrow morning.' + +'No! will you though?' said our friend, with a sneer. + +'I will,' replied the little gentleman, 'mark my words, that's all. If I +live till to-morrow morning, you shall repent this.' + +There was a steadiness of purpose, and indignation of speech, about the +little gentleman, as he took an angry pinch of snuff, after this last +declaration, which made a visible impression on the mind of the red +cab-driver. He appeared to hesitate for an instant. It was only for an +instant; his resolve was soon taken. + +'You'll pull me up, will you?' said our friend. + +'I will,' rejoined the little gentleman, with even greater vehemence an +before. + +'Very well,' said our friend, tucking up his shirt sleeves very calmly. +'There'll be three veeks for that. Wery good; that'll bring me up to the +middle o' next month. Three veeks more would carry me on to my birthday, +and then I've got ten pound to draw. I may as well get board, lodgin', +and washin', till then, out of the county, as pay for it myself; +consequently here goes!' + +So, without more ado, the red cab-driver knocked the little gentleman +down, and then called the police to take himself into custody, with all +the civility in the world. + +A story is nothing without the sequel; and therefore, we may state, that +to our certain knowledge, the board, lodging, and washing were all +provided in due course. We happen to know the fact, for it came to our +knowledge thus: We went over the House of Correction for the county of +Middlesex shortly after, to witness the operation of the silent system; +and looked on all the 'wheels' with the greatest anxiety, in search of +our long-lost friend. He was nowhere to be seen, however, and we began +to think that the little gentleman in the green coat must have relented, +when, as we were traversing the kitchen-garden, which lies in a +sequestered part of the prison, we were startled by hearing a voice, +which apparently proceeded from the wall, pouring forth its soul in the +plaintive air of 'All round my hat,' which was then just beginning to +form a recognised portion of our national music. + +We started.--'What voice is that?' said we. The Governor shook his head. + +'Sad fellow,' he replied, 'very sad. He positively refused to work on +the wheel; so, after many trials, I was compelled to order him into +solitary confinement. He says he likes it very much though, and I am +afraid he does, for he lies on his back on the floor, and sings comic +songs all day!' + +Shall we add, that our heart had not deceived us and that the comic +singer was no other than our eagerly-sought friend, the red cab-driver? + +We have never seen him since, but we have strong reason to suspect that +this noble individual was a distant relative of a waterman of our +acquaintance, who, on one occasion, when we were passing the coach-stand +over which he presides, after standing very quietly to see a tall man +struggle into a cab, ran up very briskly when it was all over (as his +brethren invariably do), and, touching his hat, asked, as a matter of +course, for 'a copper for the waterman.' Now, the fare was by no means a +handsome man; and, waxing very indignant at the demand, he +replied--'Money! What for? Coming up and looking at me, I +suppose!'--'Vell, sir,' rejoined the waterman, with a smile of immovable +complacency, '_that's_ worth twopence.' + +The identical waterman afterwards attained a very prominent station in +society; and as we know something of his life, and have often thought of +telling what we _do_ know, perhaps we shall never have a better +opportunity than the present. + +Mr. William Barker, then, for that was the gentleman's name, Mr. William +Barker was born--but why need we relate where Mr. William Barker was +born, or when? Why scrutinise the entries in parochial ledgers, or seek +to penetrate the Lucinian mysteries of lying-in hospitals? Mr. William +Barker _was_ born, or he had never been. There is a son--there was a +father. There is an effect--there was a cause. Surely this is +sufficient information for the most Fatima-like curiosity; and, if it be +not, we regret our inability to supply any further evidence on the point. +Can there be a more satisfactory, or more strictly parliamentary course? +Impossible. + +We at once avow a similar inability to record at what precise period, or +by what particular process, this gentleman's patronymic, of William +Barker, became corrupted into 'Bill Boorker.' Mr. Barker acquired a high +standing, and no inconsiderable reputation, among the members of that +profession to which he more peculiarly devoted his energies; and to them +he was generally known, either by the familiar appellation of 'Bill +Boorker,' or the flattering designation of 'Aggerawatin Bill,' the latter +being a playful and expressive _sobriquet_, illustrative of Mr. Barker's +great talent in 'aggerawatin' and rendering wild such subjects of her +Majesty as are conveyed from place to place, through the instrumentality +of omnibuses. Of the early life of Mr. Barker little is known, and even +that little is involved in considerable doubt and obscurity. A want of +application, a restlessness of purpose, a thirsting after porter, a love +of all that is roving and cadger-like in nature, shared in common with +many other great geniuses, appear to have been his leading +characteristics. The busy hum of a parochial free-school, and the shady +repose of a county gaol, were alike inefficacious in producing the +slightest alteration in Mr. Barker's disposition. His feverish +attachment to change and variety nothing could repress; his native daring +no punishment could subdue. + +If Mr. Barker can be fairly said to have had any weakness in his earlier +years, it was an amiable one--love; love in its most comprehensive +form--a love of ladies, liquids, and pocket-handkerchiefs. It was no +selfish feeling; it was not confined to his own possessions, which but +too many men regard with exclusive complacency. No; it was a nobler +love--a general principle. It extended itself with equal force to the +property of other people. + +There is something very affecting in this. It is still more affecting to +know, that such philanthropy is but imperfectly rewarded. Bow-street, +Newgate, and Millbank, are a poor return for general benevolence, +evincing itself in an irrepressible love for all created objects. Mr. +Barker felt it so. After a lengthened interview with the highest legal +authorities, he quitted his ungrateful country, with the consent, and at +the expense, of its Government; proceeded to a distant shore; and there +employed himself, like another Cincinnatus, in clearing and cultivating +the soil--a peaceful pursuit, in which a term of seven years glided +almost imperceptibly away. + +Whether, at the expiration of the period we have just mentioned, the +British Government required Mr. Barker's presence here, or did not +require his residence abroad, we have no distinct means of ascertaining. +We should be inclined, however, to favour the latter position, inasmuch +as we do not find that he was advanced to any other public post on his +return, than the post at the corner of the Haymarket, where he officiated +as assistant-waterman to the hackney-coach stand. Seated, in this +capacity, on a couple of tubs near the curbstone, with a brass plate and +number suspended round his neck by a massive chain, and his ankles +curiously enveloped in haybands, he is supposed to have made those +observations on human nature which exercised so material an influence +over all his proceedings in later life. + +Mr. Barker had not officiated for many months in this capacity, when the +appearance of the first omnibus caused the public mind to go in a new +direction, and prevented a great many hackney-coaches from going in any +direction at all. The genius of Mr. Barker at once perceived the whole +extent of the injury that would be eventually inflicted on cab and coach +stands, and, by consequence, on watermen also, by the progress of the +system of which the first omnibus was a part. He saw, too, the necessity +of adopting some more profitable profession; and his active mind at once +perceived how much might be done in the way of enticing the youthful and +unwary, and shoving the old and helpless, into the wrong buss, and +carrying them off, until, reduced to despair, they ransomed themselves by +the payment of sixpence a-head, or, to adopt his own figurative +expression in all its native beauty, 'till they was rig'larly done over, +and forked out the stumpy.' + +An opportunity for realising his fondest anticipations, soon presented +itself. Rumours were rife on the hackney-coach stands, that a buss was +building, to run from Lisson-grove to the Bank, down Oxford-street and +Holborn; and the rapid increase of busses on the Paddington-road, +encouraged the idea. Mr. Barker secretly and cautiously inquired in the +proper quarters. The report was correct; the 'Royal William' was to make +its first journey on the following Monday. It was a crack affair +altogether. An enterprising young cabman, of established reputation as a +dashing whip--for he had compromised with the parents of three scrunched +children, and just 'worked out' his fine for knocking down an old +lady--was the driver; and the spirited proprietor, knowing Mr. Barker's +qualifications, appointed him to the vacant office of cad on the very +first application. The buss began to run, and Mr. Barker entered into a +new suit of clothes, and on a new sphere of action. + +To recapitulate all the improvements introduced by this extraordinary man +into the omnibus system--gradually, indeed, but surely--would occupy a +far greater space than we are enabled to devote to this imperfect memoir. +To him is universally assigned the original suggestion of the practice +which afterwards became so general--of the driver of a second buss +keeping constantly behind the first one, and driving the pole of his +vehicle either into the door of the other, every time it was opened, or +through the body of any lady or gentleman who might make an attempt to +get into it; a humorous and pleasant invention, exhibiting all that +originality of idea, and fine, bold flow of spirits, so conspicuous in +every action of this great man. + +Mr. Barker had opponents of course; what man in public life has not? But +even his worst enemies cannot deny that he has taken more old ladies and +gentlemen to Paddington who wanted to go to the Bank, and more old ladies +and gentlemen to the Bank who wanted to go to Paddington, than any six +men on the road; and however much malevolent spirits may pretend to doubt +the accuracy of the statement, they well know it to be an established +fact, that he has forcibly conveyed a variety of ancient persons of +either sex, to both places, who had not the slightest or most distant +intention of going anywhere at all. + +Mr. Barker was the identical cad who nobly distinguished himself, some +time since, by keeping a tradesman on the step--the omnibus going at full +speed all the time--till he had thrashed him to his entire satisfaction, +and finally throwing him away, when he had quite done with him. Mr. +Barker it _ought_ to have been, who honestly indignant at being +ignominiously ejected from a house of public entertainment, kicked the +landlord in the knee, and thereby caused his death. We say it _ought_ to +have been Mr. Barker, because the action was not a common one, and could +have emanated from no ordinary mind. + +It has now become matter of history; it is recorded in the Newgate +Calendar; and we wish we could attribute this piece of daring heroism to +Mr. Barker. We regret being compelled to state that it was not performed +by him. Would, for the family credit we could add, that it was achieved +by his brother! + +It was in the exercise of the nicer details of his profession, that Mr. +Barker's knowledge of human nature was beautifully displayed. He could +tell at a glance where a passenger wanted to go to, and would shout the +name of the place accordingly, without the slightest reference to the +real destination of the vehicle. He knew exactly the kind of old lady +that would be too much flurried by the process of pushing in and pulling +out of the caravan, to discover where she had been put down, until too +late; had an intuitive perception of what was passing in a passenger's +mind when he inwardly resolved to 'pull that cad up to-morrow morning;' +and never failed to make himself agreeable to female servants, whom he +would place next the door, and talk to all the way. + +Human judgment is never infallible, and it would occasionally happen that +Mr. Barker experimentalised with the timidity or forbearance of the wrong +person, in which case a summons to a Police-office, was, on more than one +occasion, followed by a committal to prison. It was not in the power of +trifles such as these, however, to subdue the freedom of his spirit. As +soon as they passed away, he resumed the duties of his profession with +unabated ardour. + +We have spoken of Mr. Barker and of the red cab-driver, in the past +tense. Alas! Mr. Barker has again become an absentee; and the class of +men to which they both belonged is fast disappearing. Improvement has +peered beneath the aprons of our cabs, and penetrated to the very +innermost recesses of our omnibuses. Dirt and fustian will vanish before +cleanliness and livery. Slang will be forgotten when civility becomes +general: and that enlightened, eloquent, sage, and profound body, the +Magistracy of London, will be deprived of half their amusement, and half +their occupation. + + + +CHAPTER XVIII--A PARLIAMENTARY SKETCH + + +We hope our readers will not be alarmed at this rather ominous title. We +assure them that we are not about to become political, neither have we +the slightest intention of being more prosy than usual--if we can help +it. It has occurred to us that a slight sketch of the general aspect of +'the House,' and the crowds that resort to it on the night of an +important debate, would be productive of some amusement: and as we have +made some few calls at the aforesaid house in our time--have visited it +quite often enough for our purpose, and a great deal too often for our +personal peace and comfort--we have determined to attempt the +description. Dismissing from our minds, therefore, all that feeling of +awe, which vague ideas of breaches of privilege, Serjeant-at-Arms, heavy +denunciations, and still heavier fees, are calculated to awaken, we enter +at once into the building, and upon our subject. + +Half-past four o'clock--and at five the mover of the Address will be 'on +his legs,' as the newspapers announce sometimes by way of novelty, as if +speakers were occasionally in the habit of standing on their heads. The +members are pouring in, one after the other, in shoals. The few +spectators who can obtain standing-room in the passages, scrutinise them +as they pass, with the utmost interest, and the man who can identify a +member occasionally, becomes a person of great importance. Every now and +then you hear earnest whispers of 'That's Sir John Thomson.' 'Which? him +with the gilt order round his neck?' 'No, no; that's one of the +messengers--that other with the yellow gloves, is Sir John Thomson.' +'Here's Mr. Smith.' 'Lor!' 'Yes, how d'ye do, sir?--(He is our new +member)--How do you do, sir?' Mr. Smith stops: turns round with an air +of enchanting urbanity (for the rumour of an intended dissolution has +been very extensively circulated this morning); seizes both the hands of +his gratified constituent, and, after greeting him with the most +enthusiastic warmth, darts into the lobby with an extraordinary display +of ardour in the public cause, leaving an immense impression in his +favour on the mind of his 'fellow-townsman.' + +The arrivals increase in number, and the heat and noise increase in very +unpleasant proportion. The livery servants form a complete lane on +either side of the passage, and you reduce yourself into the smallest +possible space to avoid being turned out. You see that stout man with +the hoarse voice, in the blue coat, queer-crowned, broad-brimmed hat, +white corduroy breeches, and great boots, who has been talking +incessantly for half an hour past, and whose importance has occasioned no +small quantity of mirth among the strangers. That is the great +conservator of the peace of Westminster. You cannot fail to have +remarked the grace with which he saluted the noble Lord who passed just +now, or the excessive dignity of his air, as he expostulates with the +crowd. He is rather out of temper now, in consequence of the very +irreverent behaviour of those two young fellows behind him, who have done +nothing but laugh all the time they have been here. + +'Will they divide to-night, do you think, Mr. ---' timidly inquires a +little thin man in the crowd, hoping to conciliate the man of office. + +'How _can_ you ask such questions, sir?' replies the functionary, in an +incredibly loud key, and pettishly grasping the thick stick he carries in +his right hand. 'Pray do not, sir. I beg of you; pray do not, sir.' +The little man looks remarkably out of his element, and the uninitiated +part of the throng are in positive convulsions of laughter. + +Just at this moment some unfortunate individual appears, with a very +smirking air, at the bottom of the long passage. He has managed to elude +the vigilance of the special constable downstairs, and is evidently +congratulating himself on having made his way so far. + +'Go back, sir--you must _not_ come here,' shouts the hoarse one, with +tremendous emphasis of voice and gesture, the moment the offender catches +his eye. + +The stranger pauses. + +'Do you hear, sir--will you go back?' continues the official dignitary, +gently pushing the intruder some half-dozen yards. + +'Come, don't push me,' replies the stranger, turning angrily round. + +'I will, sir.' + +'You won't, sir.' + +'Go out, sir.' + +'Take your hands off me, sir.' + +'Go out of the passage, sir.' + +'You're a Jack-in-office, sir.' + +'A what?' ejaculates he of the boots. + +'A Jack-in-office, sir, and a very insolent fellow,' reiterates the +stranger, now completely in a passion. + +'Pray do not force me to put you out, sir,' retorts the other--'pray do +not--my instructions are to keep this passage clear--it's the Speaker's +orders, sir.' + +'D-n the Speaker, sir!' shouts the intruder. + +'Here, Wilson!--Collins!' gasps the officer, actually paralysed at this +insulting expression, which in his mind is all but high treason; 'take +this man out--take him out, I say! How dare you, sir?' and down goes the +unfortunate man five stairs at a time, turning round at every stoppage, +to come back again, and denouncing bitter vengeance against the +commander-in-chief, and all his supernumeraries. + +'Make way, gentlemen,--pray make way for the Members, I beg of you!' +shouts the zealous officer, turning back, and preceding a whole string of +the liberal and independent. + +You see this ferocious-looking gentleman, with a complexion almost as +sallow as his linen, and whose large black moustache would give him the +appearance of a figure in a hairdresser's window, if his countenance +possessed the thought which is communicated to those waxen caricatures of +the human face divine. He is a militia-officer, and the most amusing +person in the House. Can anything be more exquisitely absurd than the +burlesque grandeur of his air, as he strides up to the lobby, his eyes +rolling like those of a Turk's head in a cheap Dutch clock? He never +appears without that bundle of dirty papers which he carries under his +left arm, and which are generally supposed to be the miscellaneous +estimates for 1804, or some equally important documents. He is very +punctual in his attendance at the House, and his self-satisfied +'He-ar-He-ar,' is not unfrequently the signal for a general titter. + +This is the gentleman who once actually sent a messenger up to the +Strangers' gallery in the old House of Commons, to inquire the name of an +individual who was using an eye-glass, in order that he might complain to +the Speaker that the person in question was quizzing him! On another +occasion, he is reported to have repaired to Bellamy's kitchen--a +refreshment-room, where persons who are not Members are admitted on +sufferance, as it were--and perceiving two or three gentlemen at supper, +who, he was aware, were not Members, and could not, in that place, very +well resent his behaviour, he indulged in the pleasantry of sitting with +his booted leg on the table at which they were supping! He is generally +harmless, though, and always amusing. + +By dint of patience, and some little interest with our friend the +constable, we have contrived to make our way to the Lobby, and you can +just manage to catch an occasional glimpse of the House, as the door is +opened for the admission of Members. It is tolerably full already, and +little groups of Members are congregated together here, discussing the +interesting topics of the day. + +That smart-looking fellow in the black coat with velvet facings and +cuffs, who wears his _D'Orsay_ hat so rakishly, is 'Honest Tom,' a +metropolitan representative; and the large man in the cloak with the +white lining--not the man by the pillar; the other with the light hair +hanging over his coat collar behind--is his colleague. The quiet +gentlemanly-looking man in the blue surtout, gray trousers, white +neckerchief and gloves, whose closely-buttoned coat displays his manly +figure and broad chest to great advantage, is a very well-known +character. He has fought a great many battles in his time, and conquered +like the heroes of old, with no other arms than those the gods gave him. +The old hard-featured man who is standing near him, is really a good +specimen of a class of men, now nearly extinct. He is a county Member, +and has been from time whereof the memory of man is not to the contrary. +Look at his loose, wide, brown coat, with capacious pockets on each side; +the knee-breeches and boots, the immensely long waistcoat, and silver +watch-chain dangling below it, the wide-brimmed brown hat, and the white +handkerchief tied in a great bow, with straggling ends sticking out +beyond his shirt-frill. It is a costume one seldom sees nowadays, and +when the few who wear it have died off, it will be quite extinct. He can +tell you long stories of Fox, Pitt, Sheridan, and Canning, and how much +better the House was managed in those times, when they used to get up at +eight or nine o'clock, except on regular field-days, of which everybody +was apprised beforehand. He has a great contempt for all young Members +of Parliament, and thinks it quite impossible that a man can say anything +worth hearing, unless he has sat in the House for fifteen years at least, +without saying anything at all. He is of opinion that 'that young +Macaulay' was a regular impostor; he allows, that Lord Stanley may do +something one of these days, but 'he's too young, sir--too young.' He is +an excellent authority on points of precedent, and when he grows +talkative, after his wine, will tell you how Sir Somebody Something, when +he was whipper-in for the Government, brought four men out of their beds +to vote in the majority, three of whom died on their way home again; how +the House once divided on the question, that fresh candles be now brought +in; how the Speaker was once upon a time left in the chair by accident, +at the conclusion of business, and was obliged to sit in the House by +himself for three hours, till some Member could be knocked up and brought +back again, to move the adjournment; and a great many other anecdotes of +a similar description. + +There he stands, leaning on his stick; looking at the throng of +Exquisites around him with most profound contempt; and conjuring up, +before his mind's eye, the scenes he beheld in the old House, in days +gone by, when his own feelings were fresher and brighter, and when, as he +imagines, wit, talent, and patriotism flourished more brightly too. + +You are curious to know who that young man in the rough great-coat is, +who has accosted every Member who has entered the House since we have +been standing here. He is not a Member; he is only an 'hereditary +bondsman,' or, in other words, an Irish correspondent of an Irish +newspaper, who has just procured his forty-second frank from a Member +whom he never saw in his life before. There he goes again--another! +Bless the man, he has his hat and pockets full already. + +We will try our fortune at the Strangers' gallery, though the nature of +the debate encourages very little hope of success. What on earth are you +about? Holding up your order as if it were a talisman at whose command +the wicket would fly open? Nonsense. Just preserve the order for an +autograph, if it be worth keeping at all, and make your appearance at the +door with your thumb and forefinger expressively inserted in your +waistcoat-pocket. This tall stout man in black is the door-keeper. 'Any +room?' 'Not an inch--two or three dozen gentlemen waiting down-stairs on +the chance of somebody's going out.' Pull out your purse--'Are you +_quite_ sure there's no room?'--'I'll go and look,' replies the +door-keeper, with a wistful glance at your purse, 'but I'm afraid there's +not.' He returns, and with real feeling assures you that it is morally +impossible to get near the gallery. It is of no use waiting. When you +are refused admission into the Strangers' gallery at the House of +Commons, under such circumstances, you may return home thoroughly +satisfied that the place must be remarkably full indeed. {122} + +Retracing our steps through the long passage, descending the stairs, and +crossing Palace-yard, we halt at a small temporary doorway adjoining the +King's entrance to the House of Lords. The order of the serjeant-at-arms +will admit you into the Reporters' gallery, from whence you can obtain a +tolerably good view of the House. Take care of the stairs, they are none +of the best; through this little wicket--there. As soon as your eyes +become a little used to the mist of the place, and the glare of the +chandeliers below you, you will see that some unimportant personage on +the Ministerial side of the House (to your right hand) is speaking, +amidst a hum of voices and confusion which would rival Babel, but for the +circumstance of its being all in one language. + +The 'hear, hear,' which occasioned that laugh, proceeded from our warlike +friend with the moustache; he is sitting on the back seat against the +wall, behind the Member who is speaking, looking as ferocious and +intellectual as usual. Take one look around you, and retire! The body +of the House and the side galleries are full of Members; some, with their +legs on the back of the opposite seat; some, with theirs stretched out to +their utmost length on the floor; some going out, others coming in; all +talking, laughing, lounging, coughing, oh-ing, questioning, or groaning; +presenting a conglomeration of noise and confusion, to be met with in no +other place in existence, not even excepting Smithfield on a market-day, +or a cock-pit in its glory. + +But let us not omit to notice Bellamy's kitchen, or, in other words, the +refreshment-room, common to both Houses of Parliament, where +Ministerialists and Oppositionists, Whigs and Tories, Radicals, Peers, +and Destructives, strangers from the gallery, and the more favoured +strangers from below the bar, are alike at liberty to resort; where +divers honourable members prove their perfect independence by remaining +during the whole of a heavy debate, solacing themselves with the creature +comforts; and whence they are summoned by whippers-in, when the House is +on the point of dividing; either to give their 'conscientious votes' on +questions of which they are conscientiously innocent of knowing anything +whatever, or to find a vent for the playful exuberance of their +wine-inspired fancies, in boisterous shouts of 'Divide,' occasionally +varied with a little howling, barking, crowing, or other ebullitions of +senatorial pleasantry. + +When you have ascended the narrow staircase which, in the present +temporary House of Commons, leads to the place we are describing, you +will probably observe a couple of rooms on your right hand, with tables +spread for dining. Neither of these is the kitchen, although they are +both devoted to the same purpose; the kitchen is further on to our left, +up these half-dozen stairs. Before we ascend the staircase, however, we +must request you to pause in front of this little bar-place with the +sash-windows; and beg your particular attention to the steady, +honest-looking old fellow in black, who is its sole occupant. Nicholas +(we do not mind mentioning the old fellow's name, for if Nicholas be not +a public man, who is?--and public men's names are public +property)--Nicholas is the butler of Bellamy's, and has held the same +place, dressed exactly in the same manner, and said precisely the same +things, ever since the oldest of its present visitors can remember. An +excellent servant Nicholas is--an unrivalled compounder of +salad-dressing--an admirable preparer of soda-water and lemon--a special +mixer of cold grog and punch--and, above all, an unequalled judge of +cheese. If the old man have such a thing as vanity in his composition, +this is certainly his pride; and if it be possible to imagine that +anything in this world could disturb his impenetrable calmness, we should +say it would be the doubting his judgment on this important point. + +We needn't tell you all this, however, for if you have an atom of +observation, one glance at his sleek, knowing-looking head and face--his +prim white neckerchief, with the wooden tie into which it has been +regularly folded for twenty years past, merging by imperceptible degrees +into a small-plaited shirt-frill--and his comfortable-looking form +encased in a well-brushed suit of black--would give you a better idea of +his real character than a column of our poor description could convey. + +Nicholas is rather out of his element now; he cannot see the kitchen as +he used to in the old House; there, one window of his glass-case opened +into the room, and then, for the edification and behoof of more juvenile +questioners, he would stand for an hour together, answering deferential +questions about Sheridan, and Percival, and Castlereagh, and Heaven knows +who beside, with manifest delight, always inserting a 'Mister' before +every commoner's name. + +Nicholas, like all men of his age and standing, has a great idea of the +degeneracy of the times. He seldom expresses any political opinions, but +we managed to ascertain, just before the passing of the Reform Bill, that +Nicholas was a thorough Reformer. What was our astonishment to discover +shortly after the meeting of the first reformed Parliament, that he was a +most inveterate and decided Tory! It was very odd: some men change their +opinions from necessity, others from expediency, others from inspiration; +but that Nicholas should undergo any change in any respect, was an event +we had never contemplated, and should have considered impossible. His +strong opinion against the clause which empowered the metropolitan +districts to return Members to Parliament, too, was perfectly +unaccountable. + +We discovered the secret at last; the metropolitan Members always dined +at home. The rascals! As for giving additional Members to Ireland, it +was even worse--decidedly unconstitutional. Why, sir, an Irish Member +would go up there, and eat more dinner than three English Members put +together. He took no wine; drank table-beer by the half-gallon; and went +home to Manchester-buildings, or Millbank-street, for his +whiskey-and-water. And what was the consequence? Why, the concern +lost--actually lost, sir--by his patronage. A queer old fellow is +Nicholas, and as completely a part of the building as the house itself. +We wonder he ever left the old place, and fully expected to see in the +papers, the morning after the fire, a pathetic account of an old +gentleman in black, of decent appearance, who was seen at one of the +upper windows when the flames were at their height, and declared his +resolute intention of falling with the floor. He must have been got out +by force. However, he was got out--here he is again, looking as he +always does, as if he had been in a bandbox ever since the last session. +There he is, at his old post every night, just as we have described him: +and, as characters are scarce, and faithful servants scarcer, long may he +be there, say we! + +Now, when you have taken your seat in the kitchen, and duly noticed the +large fire and roasting-jack at one end of the room--the little table for +washing glasses and draining jugs at the other--the clock over the window +opposite St. Margaret's Church--the deal tables and wax candles--the +damask table-cloths and bare floor--the plate and china on the tables, +and the gridiron on the fire; and a few other anomalies peculiar to the +place--we will point out to your notice two or three of the people +present, whose station or absurdities render them the most worthy of +remark. + +It is half-past twelve o'clock, and as the division is not expected for +an hour or two, a few Members are lounging away the time here in +preference to standing at the bar of the House, or sleeping in one of the +side galleries. That singularly awkward and ungainly-looking man, in the +brownish-white hat, with the straggling black trousers which reach about +half-way down the leg of his boots, who is leaning against the +meat-screen, apparently deluding himself into the belief that he is +thinking about something, is a splendid sample of a Member of the House +of Commons concentrating in his own person the wisdom of a constituency. +Observe the wig, of a dark hue but indescribable colour, for if it be +naturally brown, it has acquired a black tint by long service, and if it +be naturally black, the same cause has imparted to it a tinge of rusty +brown; and remark how very materially the great blinker-like spectacles +assist the expression of that most intelligent face. Seriously speaking, +did you ever see a countenance so expressive of the most hopeless extreme +of heavy dulness, or behold a form so strangely put together? He is no +great speaker: but when he _does_ address the House, the effect is +absolutely irresistible. + +The small gentleman with the sharp nose, who has just saluted him, is a +Member of Parliament, an ex-Alderman, and a sort of amateur fireman. He, +and the celebrated fireman's dog, were observed to be remarkably active +at the conflagration of the two Houses of Parliament--they both ran up +and down, and in and out, getting under people's feet, and into +everybody's way, fully impressed with the belief that they were doing a +great deal of good, and barking tremendously. The dog went quietly back +to his kennel with the engine, but the gentleman kept up such an +incessant noise for some weeks after the occurrence, that he became a +positive nuisance. As no more parliamentary fires have occurred, +however, and as he has consequently had no more opportunities of writing +to the newspapers to relate how, by way of preserving pictures he cut +them out of their frames, and performed other great national services, he +has gradually relapsed into his old state of calmness. + +That female in black--not the one whom the Lord's-Day-Bill Baronet has +just chucked under the chin; the shorter of the two--is 'Jane:' the Hebe +of Bellamy's. Jane is as great a character as Nicholas, in her way. Her +leading features are a thorough contempt for the great majority of her +visitors; her predominant quality, love of admiration, as you cannot fail +to observe, if you mark the glee with which she listens to something the +young Member near her mutters somewhat unintelligibly in her ear (for his +speech is rather thick from some cause or other), and how playfully she +digs the handle of a fork into the arm with which he detains her, by way +of reply. + +Jane is no bad hand at repartees, and showers them about, with a degree +of liberality and total absence of reserve or constraint, which +occasionally excites no small amazement in the minds of strangers. She +cuts jokes with Nicholas, too, but looks up to him with a great deal of +respect--the immovable stolidity with which Nicholas receives the +aforesaid jokes, and looks on, at certain pastoral friskings and rompings +(Jane's only recreations, and they are very innocent too) which +occasionally take place in the passage, is not the least amusing part of +his character. + +The two persons who are seated at the table in the corner, at the farther +end of the room, have been constant guests here, for many years past; and +one of them has feasted within these walls, many a time, with the most +brilliant characters of a brilliant period. He has gone up to the other +House since then; the greater part of his boon companions have shared +Yorick's fate, and his visits to Bellamy's are comparatively few. + +If he really be eating his supper now, at what hour can he possibly have +dined! A second solid mass of rump-steak has disappeared, and he eat the +first in four minutes and three quarters, by the clock over the window. +Was there ever such a personification of Falstaff! Mark the air with +which he gloats over that Stilton, as he removes the napkin which has +been placed beneath his chin to catch the superfluous gravy of the steak, +and with what gusto he imbibes the porter which has been fetched, +expressly for him, in the pewter pot. Listen to the hoarse sound of that +voice, kept down as it is by layers of solids, and deep draughts of rich +wine, and tell us if you ever saw such a perfect picture of a regular +_gourmand_; and whether he is not exactly the man whom you would pitch +upon as having been the partner of Sheridan's parliamentary carouses, the +volunteer driver of the hackney-coach that took him home, and the +involuntary upsetter of the whole party? + +What an amusing contrast between his voice and appearance, and that of +the spare, squeaking old man, who sits at the same table, and who, +elevating a little cracked bantam sort of voice to its highest pitch, +invokes damnation upon his own eyes or somebody else's at the +commencement of every sentence he utters. 'The Captain,' as they call +him, is a very old frequenter of Bellamy's; much addicted to stopping +'after the House is up' (an inexpiable crime in Jane's eyes), and a +complete walking reservoir of spirits and water. + +The old Peer--or rather, the old man--for his peerage is of comparatively +recent date--has a huge tumbler of hot punch brought him; and the other +damns and drinks, and drinks and damns, and smokes. Members arrive every +moment in a great bustle to report that 'The Chancellor of the +Exchequer's up,' and to get glasses of brandy-and-water to sustain them +during the division; people who have ordered supper, countermand it, and +prepare to go down-stairs, when suddenly a bell is heard to ring with +tremendous violence, and a cry of 'Di-vi-sion!' is heard in the passage. +This is enough; away rush the members pell-mell. The room is cleared in +an instant; the noise rapidly dies away; you hear the creaking of the +last boot on the last stair, and are left alone with the leviathan of +rump-steaks. + + + +CHAPTER XIX--PUBLIC DINNERS + + +All public dinners in London, from the Lord Mayor's annual banquet at +Guildhall, to the Chimney-sweepers' anniversary at White Conduit House; +from the Goldsmiths' to the Butchers', from the Sheriffs' to the Licensed +Victuallers'; are amusing scenes. Of all entertainments of this +description, however, we think the annual dinner of some public charity +is the most amusing. At a Company's dinner, the people are nearly all +alike--regular old stagers, who make it a matter of business, and a thing +not to be laughed at. At a political dinner, everybody is disagreeable, +and inclined to speechify--much the same thing, by-the-bye; but at a +charity dinner you see people of all sorts, kinds, and descriptions. The +wine may not be remarkably special, to be sure, and we have heard some +hardhearted monsters grumble at the collection; but we really think the +amusement to be derived from the occasion, sufficient to counterbalance +even these disadvantages. + +Let us suppose you are induced to attend a dinner of this +description--'Indigent Orphans' Friends' Benevolent Institution,' we +think it is. The name of the charity is a line or two longer, but never +mind the rest. You have a distinct recollection, however, that you +purchased a ticket at the solicitation of some charitable friend: and you +deposit yourself in a hackney-coach, the driver of which--no doubt that +you may do the thing in style--turns a deaf ear to your earnest +entreaties to be set down at the corner of Great Queen-street, and +persists in carrying you to the very door of the Freemasons', round which +a crowd of people are assembled to witness the entrance of the indigent +orphans' friends. You hear great speculations as you pay the fare, on +the possibility of your being the noble Lord who is announced to fill the +chair on the occasion, and are highly gratified to hear it eventually +decided that you are only a 'wocalist.' + +The first thing that strikes you, on your entrance, is the astonishing +importance of the committee. You observe a door on the first landing, +carefully guarded by two waiters, in and out of which stout gentlemen +with very red faces keep running, with a degree of speed highly +unbecoming the gravity of persons of their years and corpulency. You +pause, quite alarmed at the bustle, and thinking, in your innocence, that +two or three people must have been carried out of the dining-room in +fits, at least. You are immediately undeceived by the +waiter--'Up-stairs, if you please, sir; this is the committee-room.' +Up-stairs you go, accordingly; wondering, as you mount, what the duties +of the committee can be, and whether they ever do anything beyond +confusing each other, and running over the waiters. + +Having deposited your hat and cloak, and received a remarkably small +scrap of pasteboard in exchange (which, as a matter of course, you lose, +before you require it again), you enter the hall, down which there are +three long tables for the less distinguished guests, with a cross table +on a raised platform at the upper end for the reception of the very +particular friends of the indigent orphans. Being fortunate enough to +find a plate without anybody's card in it, you wisely seat yourself at +once, and have a little leisure to look about you. Waiters, with +wine-baskets in their hands, are placing decanters of sherry down the +tables, at very respectable distances; melancholy-looking salt-cellars, +and decayed vinegar-cruets, which might have belonged to the parents of +the indigent orphans in their time, are scattered at distant intervals on +the cloth; and the knives and forks look as if they had done duty at +every public dinner in London since the accession of George the First. +The musicians are scraping and grating and screwing tremendously--playing +no notes but notes of preparation; and several gentlemen are gliding +along the sides of the tables, looking into plate after plate with +frantic eagerness, the expression of their countenances growing more and +more dismal as they meet with everybody's card but their own. + +You turn round to take a look at the table behind you, and--not being in +the habit of attending public dinners--are somewhat struck by the +appearance of the party on which your eyes rest. One of its principal +members appears to be a little man, with a long and rather inflamed face, +and gray hair brushed bolt upright in front; he wears a wisp of black +silk round his neck, without any stiffener, as an apology for a +neckerchief, and is addressed by his companions by the familiar +appellation of 'Fitz,' or some such monosyllable. Near him is a stout +man in a white neckerchief and buff waistcoat, with shining dark hair, +cut very short in front, and a great, round, healthy-looking face, on +which he studiously preserves a half sentimental simper. Next him, +again, is a large-headed man, with black hair and bushy whiskers; and +opposite them are two or three others, one of whom is a little +round-faced person, in a dress-stock and blue under-waistcoat. There is +something peculiar in their air and manner, though you could hardly +describe what it is; you cannot divest yourself of the idea that they +have come for some other purpose than mere eating and drinking. You have +no time to debate the matter, however, for the waiters (who have been +arranged in lines down the room, placing the dishes on table) retire to +the lower end; the dark man in the blue coat and bright buttons, who has +the direction of the music, looks up to the gallery, and calls out 'band' +in a very loud voice; out burst the orchestra, up rise the visitors, in +march fourteen stewards, each with a long wand in his hand, like the evil +genius in a pantomime; then the chairman, then the titled visitors; they +all make their way up the room, as fast as they can, bowing, and smiling, +and smirking, and looking remarkably amiable. The applause ceases, grace +is said, the clatter of plates and dishes begins; and every one appears +highly gratified, either with the presence of the distinguished visitors, +or the commencement of the anxiously-expected dinner. + +As to the dinner itself--the mere dinner--it goes off much the same +everywhere. Tureens of soup are emptied with awful rapidity--waiters +take plates of turbot away, to get lobster-sauce, and bring back plates +of lobster-sauce without turbot; people who can carve poultry, are great +fools if they own it, and people who can't have no wish to learn. The +knives and forks form a pleasing accompaniment to Auber's music, and +Auber's music would form a pleasing accompaniment to the dinner, if you +could hear anything besides the cymbals. The substantials +disappear--moulds of jelly vanish like lightning--hearty eaters wipe +their foreheads, and appear rather overcome by their recent +exertions--people who have looked very cross hitherto, become remarkably +bland, and ask you to take wine in the most friendly manner possible--old +gentlemen direct your attention to the ladies' gallery, and take great +pains to impress you with the fact that the charity is always peculiarly +favoured in this respect--every one appears disposed to become +talkative--and the hum of conversation is loud and general. + +'Pray, silence, gentlemen, if you please, for _Non nobis_!' shouts the +toast-master with stentorian lungs--a toast-master's shirt-front, +waistcoat, and neckerchief, by-the-bye, always exhibit three distinct +shades of cloudy-white.--'Pray, silence, gentlemen, for _Non nobis_!' +The singers, whom you discover to be no other than the very party that +excited your curiosity at first, after 'pitching' their voices +immediately begin _too-too_ing most dismally, on which the regular old +stagers burst into occasional cries of--'Sh--Sh--waiters!--Silence, +waiters--stand still, waiters--keep back, waiters,' and other exorcisms, +delivered in a tone of indignant remonstrance. The grace is soon +concluded, and the company resume their seats. The uninitiated portion +of the guests applaud _Non nobis_ as vehemently as if it were a capital +comic song, greatly to the scandal and indignation of the regular diners, +who immediately attempt to quell this sacrilegious approbation, by cries +of 'Hush, hush!' whereupon the others, mistaking these sounds for hisses, +applaud more tumultuously than before, and, by way of placing their +approval beyond the possibility of doubt, shout '_Encore_!' most +vociferously. + +The moment the noise ceases, up starts the toast-master:--'Gentlemen, +charge your glasses, if you please!' Decanters having been handed about, +and glasses filled, the toast-master proceeds, in a regular ascending +scale:--'Gentlemen--_air_--you--all charged? +Pray--silence--gentlemen--for--the cha-i-r!' The chairman rises, and, +after stating that he feels it quite unnecessary to preface the toast he +is about to propose, with any observations whatever, wanders into a maze +of sentences, and flounders about in the most extraordinary manner, +presenting a lamentable spectacle of mystified humanity, until he arrives +at the words, 'constitutional sovereign of these realms,' at which +elderly gentlemen exclaim 'Bravo!' and hammer the table tremendously with +their knife-handles. 'Under any circumstances, it would give him the +greatest pride, it would give him the greatest pleasure--he might almost +say, it would afford him satisfaction [cheers] to propose that toast. +What must be his feelings, then, when he has the gratification of +announcing, that he has received her Majesty's commands to apply to the +Treasurer of her Majesty's Household, for her Majesty's annual donation +of 25_l._ in aid of the funds of this charity!' This announcement (which +has been regularly made by every chairman, since the first foundation of +the charity, forty-two years ago) calls forth the most vociferous +applause; the toast is drunk with a great deal of cheering and knocking; +and 'God save the Queen' is sung by the 'professional gentlemen;' the +unprofessional gentlemen joining in the chorus, and giving the national +anthem an effect which the newspapers, with great justice, describe as +'perfectly electrical.' + +The other 'loyal and patriotic' toasts having been drunk with all due +enthusiasm, a comic song having been well sung by the gentleman with the +small neckerchief, and a sentimental one by the second of the party, we +come to the most important toast of the evening--'Prosperity to the +charity.' Here again we are compelled to adopt newspaper phraseology, +and to express our regret at being 'precluded from giving even the +substance of the noble lord's observations.' Suffice it to say, that the +speech, which is somewhat of the longest, is rapturously received; and +the toast having been drunk, the stewards (looking more important than +ever) leave the room, and presently return, heading a procession of +indigent orphans, boys and girls, who walk round the room, curtseying, +and bowing, and treading on each other's heels, and looking very much as +if they would like a glass of wine apiece, to the high gratification of +the company generally, and especially of the lady patronesses in the +gallery. _Exeunt_ children, and re-enter stewards, each with a blue +plate in his hand. The band plays a lively air; the majority of the +company put their hands in their pockets and look rather serious; and the +noise of sovereigns, rattling on crockery, is heard from all parts of the +room. + +After a short interval, occupied in singing and toasting, the secretary +puts on his spectacles, and proceeds to read the report and list of +subscriptions, the latter being listened to with great attention. 'Mr. +Smith, one guinea--Mr. Tompkins, one guinea--Mr. Wilson, one guinea--Mr. +Hickson, one guinea--Mr. Nixon, one guinea--Mr. Charles Nixon, one +guinea--[hear, hear!]--Mr. James Nixon, one guinea--Mr. Thomas Nixon, one +pound one [tremendous applause]. Lord Fitz Binkle, the chairman of the +day, in addition to an annual donation of fifteen pounds--thirty guineas +[prolonged knocking: several gentlemen knock the stems off their +wine-glasses, in the vehemence of their approbation]. Lady, Fitz Binkle, +in addition to an annual donation of ten pound--twenty pound' [protracted +knocking and shouts of 'Bravo!'] The list being at length concluded, the +chairman rises, and proposes the health of the secretary, than whom he +knows no more zealous or estimable individual. The secretary, in +returning thanks, observes that _he_ knows no more excellent individual +than the chairman--except the senior officer of the charity, whose health +_he_ begs to propose. The senior officer, in returning thanks, observes +that _he_ knows no more worthy man than the secretary--except Mr. Walker, +the auditor, whose health _he_ begs to propose. Mr. Walker, in returning +thanks, discovers some other estimable individual, to whom alone the +senior officer is inferior--and so they go on toasting and lauding and +thanking: the only other toast of importance being 'The Lady Patronesses +now present!' on which all the gentlemen turn their faces towards the +ladies' gallery, shouting tremendously; and little priggish men, who have +imbibed more wine than usual, kiss their hands and exhibit distressing +contortions of visage. + +We have protracted our dinner to so great a length, that we have hardly +time to add one word by way of grace. We can only entreat our readers +not to imagine, because we have attempted to extract some amusement from +a charity dinner, that we are at all disposed to underrate, either the +excellence of the benevolent institutions with which London abounds, or +the estimable motives of those who support them. + + + +CHAPTER XX--THE FIRST OF MAY + + + 'Now ladies, up in the sky-parlour: only once a year, if you please!' + + YOUNG LADY WITH BRASS LADLE. + + 'Sweep--sweep--sw-e-ep!' + + ILLEGAL WATCHWORD. + +The first of May! There is a merry freshness in the sound, calling to +our minds a thousand thoughts of all that is pleasant in nature and +beautiful in her most delightful form. What man is there, over whose +mind a bright spring morning does not exercise a magic +influence--carrying him back to the days of his childish sports, and +conjuring up before him the old green field with its gently-waving trees, +where the birds sang as he has never heard them since--where the +butterfly fluttered far more gaily than he ever sees him now, in all his +ramblings--where the sky seemed bluer, and the sun shone more +brightly--where the air blew more freshly over greener grass, and +sweeter-smelling flowers--where everything wore a richer and more +brilliant hue than it is ever dressed in now! Such are the deep feelings +of childhood, and such are the impressions which every lovely object +stamps upon its heart! The hardy traveller wanders through the maze of +thick and pathless woods, where the sun's rays never shone, and heaven's +pure air never played; he stands on the brink of the roaring waterfall, +and, giddy and bewildered, watches the foaming mass as it leaps from +stone to stone, and from crag to crag; he lingers in the fertile plains +of a land of perpetual sunshine, and revels in the luxury of their balmy +breath. But what are the deep forests, or the thundering waters, or the +richest landscapes that bounteous nature ever spread, to charm the eyes, +and captivate the senses of man, compared with the recollection of the +old scenes of his early youth? Magic scenes indeed; for the fancies of +childhood dressed them in colours brighter than the rainbow, and almost +as fleeting! + +In former times, spring brought with it not only such associations as +these, connected with the past, but sports and games for the +present--merry dances round rustic pillars, adorned with emblems of the +season, and reared in honour of its coming. Where are they now! Pillars +we have, but they are no longer rustic ones; and as to dancers, they are +used to rooms, and lights, and would not show well in the open air. +Think of the immorality, too! What would your sabbath enthusiasts say, +to an aristocratic ring encircling the Duke of York's column in +Carlton-terrace--a grand _poussette_ of the middle classes, round +Alderman Waithman's monument in Fleet-street,--or a general +hands-four-round of ten-pound householders, at the foot of the Obelisk in +St. George's-fields? Alas! romance can make no head against the riot +act; and pastoral simplicity is not understood by the police. + +Well; many years ago we began to be a steady and matter-of-fact sort of +people, and dancing in spring being beneath our dignity, we gave it up, +and in course of time it descended to the sweeps--a fall certainly, +because, though sweeps are very good fellows in their way, and moreover +very useful in a civilised community, they are not exactly the sort of +people to give the tone to the little elegances of society. The sweeps, +however, got the dancing to themselves, and they kept it up, and handed +it down. This was a severe blow to the romance of spring-time, but, it +did not entirely destroy it, either; for a portion of it descended to the +sweeps with the dancing, and rendered them objects of great interest. A +mystery hung over the sweeps in those days. Legends were in existence of +wealthy gentlemen who had lost children, and who, after many years of +sorrow and suffering, had found them in the character of sweeps. Stories +were related of a young boy who, having been stolen from his parents in +his infancy, and devoted to the occupation of chimney-sweeping, was sent, +in the course of his professional career, to sweep the chimney of his +mother's bedroom; and how, being hot and tired when he came out of the +chimney, he got into the bed he had so often slept in as an infant, and +was discovered and recognised therein by his mother, who once every year +of her life, thereafter, requested the pleasure of the company of every +London sweep, at half-past one o'clock, to roast beef, plum-pudding, +porter, and sixpence. + +Such stories as these, and there were many such, threw an air of mystery +round the sweeps, and produced for them some of those good effects which +animals derive from the doctrine of the transmigration of souls. No one +(except the masters) thought of ill-treating a sweep, because no one knew +who he might be, or what nobleman's or gentleman's son he might turn out. +Chimney-sweeping was, by many believers in the marvellous, considered as +a sort of probationary term, at an earlier or later period of which, +divers young noblemen were to come into possession of their rank and +titles: and the profession was held by them in great respect accordingly. + +We remember, in our young days, a little sweep about our own age, with +curly hair and white teeth, whom we devoutly and sincerely believed to be +the lost son and heir of some illustrious personage--an impression which +was resolved into an unchangeable conviction on our infant mind, by the +subject of our speculations informing us, one day, in reply to our +question, propounded a few moments before his ascent to the summit of the +kitchen chimney, 'that he believed he'd been born in the vurkis, but he'd +never know'd his father.' We felt certain, from that time forth, that he +would one day be owned by a lord: and we never heard the church-bells +ring, or saw a flag hoisted in the neighbourhood, without thinking that +the happy event had at last occurred, and that his long-lost parent had +arrived in a coach and six, to take him home to Grosvenor-square. He +never came, however; and, at the present moment, the young gentleman in +question is settled down as a master sweep in the neighbourhood of +Battle-bridge, his distinguishing characteristics being a decided +antipathy to washing himself, and the possession of a pair of legs very +inadequate to the support of his unwieldy and corpulent body. + +The romance of spring having gone out before our time, we were fain to +console ourselves as we best could with the uncertainty that enveloped +the birth and parentage of its attendant dancers, the sweeps; and we +_did_ console ourselves with it, for many years. But, even this wicked +source of comfort received a shock from which it has never recovered--a +shock which has been in reality its death-blow. We could not disguise +from ourselves the fact that whole families of sweeps were regularly born +of sweeps, in the rural districts of Somers Town and Camden Town--that +the eldest son succeeded to the father's business, that the other +branches assisted him therein, and commenced on their own account; that +their children again, were educated to the profession; and that about +their identity there could be no mistake whatever. We could not be +blind, we say, to this melancholy truth, but we could not bring ourselves +to admit it, nevertheless, and we lived on for some years in a state of +voluntary ignorance. We were roused from our pleasant slumber by certain +dark insinuations thrown out by a friend of ours, to the effect that +children in the lower ranks of life were beginning to _choose_ +chimney-sweeping as their particular walk; that applications had been +made by various boys to the constituted authorities, to allow them to +pursue the object of their ambition with the full concurrence and +sanction of the law; that the affair, in short, was becoming one of mere +legal contract. We turned a deaf ear to these rumours at first, but +slowly and surely they stole upon us. Month after month, week after +week, nay, day after day, at last, did we meet with accounts of similar +applications. The veil was removed, all mystery was at an end, and +chimney-sweeping had become a favourite and chosen pursuit. There is no +longer any occasion to steal boys; for boys flock in crowds to bind +themselves. The romance of the trade has fled, and the chimney-sweeper +of the present day, is no more like unto him of thirty years ago, than is +a Fleet-street pickpocket to a Spanish brigand, or Paul Pry to Caleb +Williams. + +This gradual decay and disuse of the practice of leading noble youths +into captivity, and compelling them to ascend chimneys, was a severe +blow, if we may so speak, to the romance of chimney-sweeping, and to the +romance of spring at the same time. But even this was not all, for some +few years ago the dancing on May-day began to decline; small sweeps were +observed to congregate in twos or threes, unsupported by a 'green,' with +no 'My Lord' to act as master of the ceremonies, and no 'My Lady' to +preside over the exchequer. Even in companies where there was a 'green' +it was an absolute nothing--a mere sprout--and the instrumental +accompaniments rarely extended beyond the shovels and a set of Panpipes, +better known to the many, as a 'mouth-organ.' + +These were signs of the times, portentous omens of a coming change; and +what was the result which they shadowed forth? Why, the master sweeps, +influenced by a restless spirit of innovation, actually interposed their +authority, in opposition to the dancing, and substituted a dinner--an +anniversary dinner at White Conduit House--where clean faces appeared in +lieu of black ones smeared with rose pink; and knee cords and tops +superseded nankeen drawers and rosetted shoes. + +Gentlemen who were in the habit of riding shy horses; and steady-going +people who have no vagrancy in their souls, lauded this alteration to the +skies, and the conduct of the master sweeps was described beyond the +reach of praise. But how stands the real fact? Let any man deny, if he +can, that when the cloth had been removed, fresh pots and pipes laid upon +the table, and the customary loyal and patriotic toasts proposed, the +celebrated Mr. Sluffen, of Adam-and-Eve-court, whose authority not the +most malignant of our opponents can call in question, expressed himself +in a manner following: 'That now he'd cotcht the cheerman's hi, he vished +he might be jolly vell blessed, if he worn't a goin' to have his innings, +vich he vould say these here obserwashuns--that how some mischeevus coves +as know'd nuffin about the consarn, had tried to sit people agin the +mas'r swips, and take the shine out o' their bis'nes, and the bread out +o' the traps o' their preshus kids, by a makin' o' this here remark, as +chimblies could be as vell svept by 'sheenery as by boys; and that the +makin' use o' boys for that there purpuss vos barbareous; vereas, he 'ad +been a chummy--he begged the cheerman's parding for usin' such a wulgar +hexpression--more nor thirty year--he might say he'd been born in a +chimbley--and he know'd uncommon vell as 'sheenery vos vus nor o' no use: +and as to kerhewelty to the boys, everybody in the chimbley line know'd +as vell as he did, that they liked the climbin' better nor nuffin as +vos.' From this day, we date the total fall of the last lingering +remnant of May-day dancing, among the _elite_ of the profession: and from +this period we commence a new era in that portion of our spring +associations which relates to the first of May. + +We are aware that the unthinking part of the population will meet us +here, with the assertion, that dancing on May-day still continues--that +'greens' are annually seen to roll along the streets--that youths in the +garb of clowns, precede them, giving vent to the ebullitions of their +sportive fancies; and that lords and ladies follow in their wake. + +Granted. We are ready to acknowledge that in outward show, these +processions have greatly improved: we do not deny the introduction of +solos on the drum; we will even go so far as to admit an occasional +fantasia on the triangle, but here our admissions end. We positively +deny that the sweeps have art or part in these proceedings. We +distinctly charge the dustmen with throwing what they ought to clear +away, into the eyes of the public. We accuse scavengers, brickmakers, +and gentlemen who devote their energies to the costermongering line, with +obtaining money once a-year, under false pretences. We cling with +peculiar fondness to the custom of days gone by, and have shut out +conviction as long as we could, but it has forced itself upon us; and we +now proclaim to a deluded public, that the May-day dancers are _not_ +sweeps. The size of them, alone, is sufficient to repudiate the idea. +It is a notorious fact that the widely-spread taste for register-stoves +has materially increased the demand for small boys; whereas the men, who, +under a fictitious character, dance about the streets on the first of May +nowadays, would be a tight fit in a kitchen flue, to say nothing of the +parlour. This is strong presumptive evidence, but we have positive +proof--the evidence of our own senses. And here is our testimony. + +Upon the morning of the second of the merry month of May, in the year of +our Lord one thousand eight hundred and thirty-six, we went out for a +stroll, with a kind of forlorn hope of seeing something or other which +might induce us to believe that it was really spring, and not Christmas. +After wandering as far as Copenhagen House, without meeting anything +calculated to dispel our impression that there was a mistake in the +almanacks, we turned back down Maidenlane, with the intention of passing +through the extensive colony lying between it and Battle-bridge, which is +inhabited by proprietors of donkey-carts, boilers of horse-flesh, makers +of tiles, and sifters of cinders; through which colony we should have +passed, without stoppage or interruption, if a little crowd gathered +round a shed had not attracted our attention, and induced us to pause. + +When we say a 'shed,' we do not mean the conservatory sort of building, +which, according to the old song, Love tenanted when he was a young man, +but a wooden house with windows stuffed with rags and paper, and a small +yard at the side, with one dust-cart, two baskets, a few shovels, and +little heaps of cinders, and fragments of china and tiles, scattered +about it. Before this inviting spot we paused; and the longer we looked, +the more we wondered what exciting circumstance it could be, that induced +the foremost members of the crowd to flatten their noses against the +parlour window, in the vain hope of catching a glimpse of what was going +on inside. After staring vacantly about us for some minutes, we +appealed, touching the cause of this assemblage, to a gentleman in a suit +of tarpaulin, who was smoking his pipe on our right hand; but as the only +answer we obtained was a playful inquiry whether our mother had disposed +of her mangle, we determined to await the issue in silence. + +Judge of our virtuous indignation, when the street-door of the shed +opened, and a party emerged therefrom, clad in the costume and emulating +the appearance, of May-day sweeps! + +The first person who appeared was 'my lord,' habited in a blue coat and +bright buttons, with gilt paper tacked over the seams, yellow +knee-breeches, pink cotton stockings, and shoes; a cocked hat, ornamented +with shreds of various-coloured paper, on his head, a _bouquet_ the size +of a prize cauliflower in his button-hole, a long Belcher handkerchief in +his right hand, and a thin cane in his left. A murmur of applause ran +through the crowd (which was chiefly composed of his lordship's personal +friends), when this graceful figure made his appearance, which swelled +into a burst of applause as his fair partner in the dance bounded forth +to join him. Her ladyship was attired in pink crape over bed-furniture, +with a low body and short sleeves. The symmetry of her ankles was +partially concealed by a very perceptible pair of frilled trousers; and +the inconvenience which might have resulted from the circumstance of her +white satin shoes being a few sizes too large, was obviated by their +being firmly attached to her legs with strong tape sandals. + +Her head was ornamented with a profusion of artificial flowers; and in +her hand she bore a large brass ladle, wherein to receive what she +figuratively denominated 'the tin.' The other characters were a young +gentleman in girl's clothes and a widow's cap; two clowns who walked upon +their hands in the mud, to the immeasurable delight of all the +spectators; a man with a drum; another man with a flageolet; a dirty +woman in a large shawl, with a box under her arm for the money,--and +last, though not least, the 'green,' animated by no less a personage than +our identical friend in the tarpaulin suit. + +The man hammered away at the drum, the flageolet squeaked, the shovels +rattled, the 'green' rolled about, pitching first on one side and then on +the other; my lady threw her right foot over her left ankle, and her left +foot over her right ankle, alternately; my lord ran a few paces forward, +and butted at the 'green,' and then a few paces backward upon the toes of +the crowd, and then went to the right, and then to the left, and then +dodged my lady round the 'green;' and finally drew her arm through his, +and called upon the boys to shout, which they did lustily--for this was +the dancing. + +We passed the same group, accidentally, in the evening. We never saw a +'green' so drunk, a lord so quarrelsome (no: not even in the house of +peers after dinner), a pair of clowns so melancholy, a lady so muddy, or +a party so miserable. + +How has May-day decayed! + + + +CHAPTER XXI--BROKERS' AND MARINE-STORE SHOPS + + +When we affirm that brokers' shops are strange places, and that if an +authentic history of their contents could be procured, it would furnish +many a page of amusement, and many a melancholy tale, it is necessary to +explain the class of shops to which we allude. Perhaps when we make use +of the term 'Brokers' Shop,' the minds of our readers will at once +picture large, handsome warehouses, exhibiting a long perspective of +French-polished dining-tables, rosewood chiffoniers, and mahogany +wash-hand-stands, with an occasional vista of a four-post bedstead and +hangings, and an appropriate foreground of dining-room chairs. Perhaps +they will imagine that we mean an humble class of second-hand furniture +repositories. Their imagination will then naturally lead them to that +street at the back of Long-acre, which is composed almost entirely of +brokers' shops; where you walk through groves of deceitful, showy-looking +furniture, and where the prospect is occasionally enlivened by a bright +red, blue, and yellow hearth-rug, embellished with the pleasing device of +a mail-coach at full speed, or a strange animal, supposed to have been +originally intended for a dog, with a mass of worsted-work in his mouth, +which conjecture has likened to a basket of flowers. + +This, by-the-bye, is a tempting article to young wives in the humbler +ranks of life, who have a first-floor front to furnish--they are lost in +admiration, and hardly know which to admire most. The dog is very +beautiful, but they have a dog already on the best tea-tray, and two more +on the mantel-piece. Then, there is something so genteel about that +mail-coach; and the passengers outside (who are all hat) give it such an +air of reality! + +The goods here are adapted to the taste, or rather to the means, of cheap +purchasers. There are some of the most beautiful _looking_ Pembroke +tables that were ever beheld: the wood as green as the trees in the Park, +and the leaves almost as certain to fall off in the course of a year. +There is also a most extensive assortment of tent and turn-up bedsteads, +made of stained wood, and innumerable specimens of that base imposition +on society--a sofa bedstead. + +A turn-up bedstead is a blunt, honest piece of furniture; it may be +slightly disguised with a sham drawer; and sometimes a mad attempt is +even made to pass it off for a book-case; ornament it as you will, +however, the turn-up bedstead seems to defy disguise, and to insist on +having it distinctly understood that he is a turn-up bedstead, and +nothing else--that he is indispensably necessary, and that being so +useful, he disdains to be ornamental. + +How different is the demeanour of a sofa bedstead! Ashamed of its real +use, it strives to appear an article of luxury and gentility--an attempt +in which it miserably fails. It has neither the respectability of a +sofa, nor the virtues of a bed; every man who keeps a sofa bedstead in +his house, becomes a party to a wilful and designing fraud--we question +whether you could insult him more, than by insinuating that you entertain +the least suspicion of its real use. + +To return from this digression, we beg to say, that neither of these +classes of brokers' shops, forms the subject of this sketch. The shops +to which we advert, are immeasurably inferior to those on whose outward +appearance we have slightly touched. Our readers must often have +observed in some by-street, in a poor neighbourhood, a small dirty shop, +exposing for sale the most extraordinary and confused jumble of old, +worn-out, wretched articles, that can well be imagined. Our wonder at +their ever having been bought, is only to be equalled by our astonishment +at the idea of their ever being sold again. On a board, at the side of +the door, are placed about twenty books--all odd volumes; and as many +wine-glasses--all different patterns; several locks, an old earthenware +pan, full of rusty keys; two or three gaudy chimney-ornaments--cracked, +of course; the remains of a lustre, without any drops; a round frame like +a capital O, which has once held a mirror; a flute, complete with the +exception of the middle joint; a pair of curling-irons; and a tinder-box. +In front of the shop-window, are ranged some half-dozen high-backed +chairs, with spinal complaints and wasted legs; a corner cupboard; two or +three very dark mahogany tables with flaps like mathematical problems; +some pickle-jars, some surgeons' ditto, with gilt labels and without +stoppers; an unframed portrait of some lady who flourished about the +beginning of the thirteenth century, by an artist who never flourished at +all; an incalculable host of miscellanies of every description, including +bottles and cabinets, rags and bones, fenders and street-door knockers, +fire-irons, wearing apparel and bedding, a hall-lamp, and a room-door. +Imagine, in addition to this incongruous mass, a black doll in a white +frock, with two faces--one looking up the street, and the other looking +down, swinging over the door; a board with the squeezed-up inscription +'Dealer in marine stores,' in lanky white letters, whose height is +strangely out of proportion to their width; and you have before you +precisely the kind of shop to which we wish to direct your attention. + +Although the same heterogeneous mixture of things will be found at all +these places, it is curious to observe how truly and accurately some of +the minor articles which are exposed for sale--articles of wearing +apparel, for instance--mark the character of the neighbourhood. Take +Drury-Lane and Covent-garden for example. + +This is essentially a theatrical neighbourhood. There is not a potboy in +the vicinity who is not, to a greater or less extent, a dramatic +character. The errand-boys and chandler's-shop-keepers' sons, are all +stage-struck: they 'gets up' plays in back kitchens hired for the +purpose, and will stand before a shop-window for hours, contemplating a +great staring portrait of Mr. Somebody or other, of the Royal Coburg +Theatre, 'as he appeared in the character of Tongo the Denounced.' The +consequence is, that there is not a marine-store shop in the +neighbourhood, which does not exhibit for sale some faded articles of +dramatic finery, such as three or four pairs of soiled buff boots with +turn-over red tops, heretofore worn by a 'fourth robber,' or 'fifth mob;' +a pair of rusty broadswords, a few gauntlets, and certain resplendent +ornaments, which, if they were yellow instead of white, might be taken +for insurance plates of the Sun Fire-office. There are several of these +shops in the narrow streets and dirty courts, of which there are so many +near the national theatres, and they all have tempting goods of this +description, with the addition, perhaps, of a lady's pink dress covered +with spangles; white wreaths, stage shoes, and a tiara like a tin lamp +reflector. They have been purchased of some wretched supernumeraries, or +sixth-rate actors, and are now offered for the benefit of the rising +generation, who, on condition of making certain weekly payments, +amounting in the whole to about ten times their value, may avail +themselves of such desirable bargains. + +Let us take a very different quarter, and apply it to the same test. +Look at a marine-store dealer's, in that reservoir of dirt, drunkenness, +and drabs: thieves, oysters, baked potatoes, and pickled +salmon--Ratcliff-highway. Here, the wearing apparel is all nautical. +Rough blue jackets, with mother-of-pearl buttons, oil-skin hats, coarse +checked shirts, and large canvas trousers that look as if they were made +for a pair of bodies instead of a pair of legs, are the staple +commodities. Then, there are large bunches of cotton +pocket-handkerchiefs, in colour and pattern unlike any one ever saw +before, with the exception of those on the backs of the three young +ladies without bonnets who passed just now. The furniture is much the +same as elsewhere, with the addition of one or two models of ships, and +some old prints of naval engagements in still older frames. In the +window, are a few compasses, a small tray containing silver watches in +clumsy thick cases; and tobacco-boxes, the lid of each ornamented with a +ship, or an anchor, or some such trophy. A sailor generally pawns or +sells all he has before he has been long ashore, and if he does not, some +favoured companion kindly saves him the trouble. In either case, it is +an even chance that he afterwards unconsciously repurchases the same +things at a higher price than he gave for them at first. + +Again: pay a visit with a similar object, to a part of London, as unlike +both of these as they are to each other. Cross over to the Surrey side, +and look at such shops of this description as are to be found near the +King's Bench prison, and in 'the Rules.' How different, and how +strikingly illustrative of the decay of some of the unfortunate residents +in this part of the metropolis! Imprisonment and neglect have done their +work. There is contamination in the profligate denizens of a debtor's +prison; old friends have fallen off; the recollection of former +prosperity has passed away; and with it all thoughts for the past, all +care for the future. First, watches and rings, then cloaks, coats, and +all the more expensive articles of dress, have found their way to the +pawnbroker's. That miserable resource has failed at last, and the sale +of some trifling article at one of these shops, has been the only mode +left of raising a shilling or two, to meet the urgent demands of the +moment. Dressing-cases and writing-desks, too old to pawn but too good +to keep; guns, fishing-rods, musical instruments, all in the same +condition; have first been sold, and the sacrifice has been but slightly +felt. But hunger must be allayed, and what has already become a habit, +is easily resorted to, when an emergency arises. Light articles of +clothing, first of the ruined man, then of his wife, at last of their +children, even of the youngest, have been parted with, piecemeal. There +they are, thrown carelessly together until a purchaser presents himself, +old, and patched and repaired, it is true; but the make and materials +tell of better days; and the older they are, the greater the misery and +destitution of those whom they once adorned. + + + +CHAPTER XXII--GIN-SHOPS + + +It is a remarkable circumstance, that different trades appear to partake +of the disease to which elephants and dogs are especially liable, and to +run stark, staring, raving mad, periodically. The great distinction +between the animals and the trades, is, that the former run mad with a +certain degree of propriety--they are very regular in their +irregularities. We know the period at which the emergency will arise, +and provide against it accordingly. If an elephant run mad, we are all +ready for him--kill or cure--pills or bullets, calomel in conserve of +roses, or lead in a musket-barrel. If a dog happen to look unpleasantly +warm in the summer months, and to trot about the shady side of the +streets with a quarter of a yard of tongue hanging out of his mouth, a +thick leather muzzle, which has been previously prepared in compliance +with the thoughtful injunctions of the Legislature, is instantly clapped +over his head, by way of making him cooler, and he either looks +remarkably unhappy for the next six weeks, or becomes legally insane, and +goes mad, as it were, by Act of Parliament. But these trades are as +eccentric as comets; nay, worse, for no one can calculate on the +recurrence of the strange appearances which betoken the disease. +Moreover, the contagion is general, and the quickness with which it +diffuses itself, almost incredible. + +We will cite two or three cases in illustration of our meaning. Six or +eight years ago, the epidemic began to display itself among the +linen-drapers and haberdashers. The primary symptoms were an inordinate +love of plate-glass, and a passion for gas-lights and gilding. The +disease gradually progressed, and at last attained a fearful height. +Quiet, dusty old shops in different parts of town, were pulled down; +spacious premises with stuccoed fronts and gold letters, were erected +instead; floors were covered with Turkey carpets; roofs supported by +massive pillars; doors knocked into windows; a dozen squares of glass +into one; one shopman into a dozen; and there is no knowing what would +have been done, if it had not been fortunately discovered, just in time, +that the Commissioners of Bankruptcy were as competent to decide such +cases as the Commissioners of Lunacy, and that a little confinement and +gentle examination did wonders. The disease abated. It died away. A +year or two of comparative tranquillity ensued. Suddenly it burst out +again amongst the chemists; the symptoms were the same, with the addition +of a strong desire to stick the royal arms over the shop-door, and a +great rage for mahogany, varnish, and expensive floor-cloth. Then, the +hosiers were infected, and began to pull down their shop-fronts with +frantic recklessness. The mania again died away, and the public began to +congratulate themselves on its entire disappearance, when it burst forth +with tenfold violence among the publicans, and keepers of 'wine vaults.' +From that moment it has spread among them with unprecedented rapidity, +exhibiting a concatenation of all the previous symptoms; onward it has +rushed to every part of town, knocking down all the old public-houses, +and depositing splendid mansions, stone balustrades, rosewood fittings, +immense lamps, and illuminated clocks, at the corner of every street. + +The extensive scale on which these places are established, and the +ostentatious manner in which the business of even the smallest among them +is divided into branches, is amusing. A handsome plate of ground glass +in one door directs you 'To the Counting-house;' another to the 'Bottle +Department; a third to the 'Wholesale Department;' a fourth to 'The Wine +Promenade;' and so forth, until we are in daily expectation of meeting +with a 'Brandy Bell,' or a 'Whiskey Entrance.' Then, ingenuity is +exhausted in devising attractive titles for the different descriptions of +gin; and the dram-drinking portion of the community as they gaze upon the +gigantic black and white announcements, which are only to be equalled in +size by the figures beneath them, are left in a state of pleasing +hesitation between 'The Cream of the Valley,' 'The Out and Out,' 'The No +Mistake,' 'The Good for Mixing,' 'The real Knock-me-down,' 'The +celebrated Butter Gin,' 'The regular Flare-up,' and a dozen other, +equally inviting and wholesome _liqueurs_. Although places of this +description are to be met with in every second street, they are +invariably numerous and splendid in precise proportion to the dirt and +poverty of the surrounding neighbourhood. The gin-shops in and near +Drury-Lane, Holborn, St. Giles's, Covent-garden, and Clare-market, are +the handsomest in London. There is more of filth and squalid misery near +those great thorough-fares than in any part of this mighty city. + +We will endeavour to sketch the bar of a large gin-shop, and its ordinary +customers, for the edification of such of our readers as may not have had +opportunities of observing such scenes; and on the chance of finding one +well suited to our purpose, we will make for Drury-Lane, through the +narrow streets and dirty courts which divide it from Oxford-street, and +that classical spot adjoining the brewery at the bottom of +Tottenham-court-road, best known to the initiated as the 'Rookery.' + +The filthy and miserable appearance of this part of London can hardly be +imagined by those (and there are many such) who have not witnessed it. +Wretched houses with broken windows patched with rags and paper: every +room let out to a different family, and in many instances to two or even +three--fruit and 'sweet-stuff' manufacturers in the cellars, barbers and +red-herring vendors in the front parlours, cobblers in the back; a +bird-fancier in the first floor, three families on the second, starvation +in the attics, Irishmen in the passage, a 'musician' in the front +kitchen, and a charwoman and five hungry children in the back one--filth +everywhere--a gutter before the houses and a drain behind--clothes drying +and slops emptying, from the windows; girls of fourteen or fifteen, with +matted hair, walking about barefoot, and in white great-coats, almost +their only covering; boys of all ages, in coats of all sizes and no coats +at all; men and women, in every variety of scanty and dirty apparel, +lounging, scolding, drinking, smoking, squabbling, fighting, and +swearing. + +You turn the corner. What a change! All is light and brilliancy. The +hum of many voices issues from that splendid gin-shop which forms the +commencement of the two streets opposite; and the gay building with the +fantastically ornamented parapet, the illuminated clock, the plate-glass +windows surrounded by stucco rosettes, and its profusion of gas-lights in +richly-gilt burners, is perfectly dazzling when contrasted with the +darkness and dirt we have just left. The interior is even gayer than the +exterior. A bar of French-polished mahogany, elegantly carved, extends +the whole width of the place; and there are two side-aisles of great +casks, painted green and gold, enclosed within a light brass rail, and +bearing such inscriptions, as 'Old Tom, 549;' 'Young Tom, 360;' 'Samson, +1421'--the figures agreeing, we presume, with 'gallons,' understood. +Beyond the bar is a lofty and spacious saloon, full of the same enticing +vessels, with a gallery running round it, equally well furnished. On the +counter, in addition to the usual spirit apparatus, are two or three +little baskets of cakes and biscuits, which are carefully secured at top +with wicker-work, to prevent their contents being unlawfully abstracted. +Behind it, are two showily-dressed damsels with large necklaces, +dispensing the spirits and 'compounds.' They are assisted by the +ostensible proprietor of the concern, a stout, coarse fellow in a fur +cap, put on very much on one side to give him a knowing air, and to +display his sandy whiskers to the best advantage. + +The two old washerwomen, who are seated on the little bench to the left +of the bar, are rather overcome by the head-dresses and haughty demeanour +of the young ladies who officiate. They receive their half-quartern of +gin and peppermint, with considerable deference, prefacing a request for +'one of them soft biscuits,' with a 'Jist be good enough, ma'am.' They +are quite astonished at the impudent air of the young fellow in a brown +coat and bright buttons, who, ushering in his two companions, and walking +up to the bar in as careless a manner as if he had been used to green and +gold ornaments all his life, winks at one of the young ladies with +singular coolness, and calls for a 'kervorten and a three-out-glass,' +just as if the place were his own. 'Gin for you, sir?' says the young +lady when she has drawn it: carefully looking every way but the right +one, to show that the wink had no effect upon her. 'For me, Mary, my +dear,' replies the gentleman in brown. 'My name an't Mary as it +happens,' says the young girl, rather relaxing as she delivers the +change. 'Well, if it an't, it ought to be,' responds the irresistible +one; 'all the Marys as ever _I_ see, was handsome gals.' Here the young +lady, not precisely remembering how blushes are managed in such cases, +abruptly ends the flirtation by addressing the female in the faded +feathers who has just entered, and who, after stating explicitly, to +prevent any subsequent misunderstanding, that 'this gentleman pays,' +calls for 'a glass of port wine and a bit of sugar.' + +Those two old men who came in 'just to have a drain,' finished their +third quartern a few seconds ago; they have made themselves crying drunk; +and the fat comfortable-looking elderly women, who had 'a glass of +rum-srub' each, having chimed in with their complaints on the hardness of +the times, one of the women has agreed to stand a glass round, jocularly +observing that 'grief never mended no broken bones, and as good people's +wery scarce, what I says is, make the most on 'em, and that's all about +it!' a sentiment which appears to afford unlimited satisfaction to those +who have nothing to pay. + +It is growing late, and the throng of men, women, and children, who have +been constantly going in and out, dwindles down to two or three +occasional stragglers--cold, wretched-looking creatures, in the last +stage of emaciation and disease. The knot of Irish labourers at the +lower end of the place, who have been alternately shaking hands with, and +threatening the life of each other, for the last hour, become furious in +their disputes, and finding it impossible to silence one man, who is +particularly anxious to adjust the difference, they resort to the +expedient of knocking him down and jumping on him afterwards. The man in +the fur cap, and the potboy rush out; a scene of riot and confusion +ensues; half the Irishmen get shut out, and the other half get shut in; +the potboy is knocked among the tubs in no time; the landlord hits +everybody, and everybody hits the landlord; the barmaids scream; the +police come in; the rest is a confused mixture of arms, legs, staves, +torn coats, shouting, and struggling. Some of the party are borne off to +the station-house, and the remainder slink home to beat their wives for +complaining, and kick the children for daring to be hungry. + +We have sketched this subject very slightly, not only because our limits +compel us to do so, but because, if it were pursued farther, it would be +painful and repulsive. Well-disposed gentlemen, and charitable ladies, +would alike turn with coldness and disgust from a description of the +drunken besotted men, and wretched broken-down miserable women, who form +no inconsiderable portion of the frequenters of these haunts; forgetting, +in the pleasant consciousness of their own rectitude, the poverty of the +one, and the temptation of the other. Gin-drinking is a great vice in +England, but wretchedness and dirt are a greater; and until you improve +the homes of the poor, or persuade a half-famished wretch not to seek +relief in the temporary oblivion of his own misery, with the pittance +which, divided among his family, would furnish a morsel of bread for +each, gin-shops will increase in number and splendour. If Temperance +Societies would suggest an antidote against hunger, filth, and foul air, +or could establish dispensaries for the gratuitous distribution of +bottles of Lethe-water, gin-palaces would be numbered among the things +that were. + + + +CHAPTER XXIII--THE PAWNBROKER'S SHOP + + +Of the numerous receptacles for misery and distress with which the +streets of London unhappily abound, there are, perhaps, none which +present such striking scenes as the pawnbrokers' shops. The very nature +and description of these places occasions their being but little known, +except to the unfortunate beings whose profligacy or misfortune drives +them to seek the temporary relief they offer. The subject may appear, at +first sight, to be anything but an inviting one, but we venture on it +nevertheless, in the hope that, as far as the limits of our present paper +are concerned, it will present nothing to disgust even the most +fastidious reader. + +There are some pawnbrokers' shops of a very superior description. There +are grades in pawning as in everything else, and distinctions must be +observed even in poverty. The aristocratic Spanish cloak and the +plebeian calico shirt, the silver fork and the flat iron, the muslin +cravat and the Belcher neckerchief, would but ill assort together; so, +the better sort of pawnbroker calls himself a silver-smith, and decorates +his shop with handsome trinkets and expensive jewellery, while the more +humble money-lender boldly advertises his calling, and invites +observation. It is with pawnbrokers' shops of the latter class, that we +have to do. We have selected one for our purpose, and will endeavour to +describe it. + +The pawnbroker's shop is situated near Drury-Lane, at the corner of a +court, which affords a side entrance for the accommodation of such +customers as may be desirous of avoiding the observation of the +passers-by, or the chance of recognition in the public street. It is a +low, dirty-looking, dusty shop, the door of which stands always +doubtfully, a little way open: half inviting, half repelling the +hesitating visitor, who, if he be as yet uninitiated, examines one of the +old garnet brooches in the window for a minute or two with affected +eagerness, as if he contemplated making a purchase; and then looking +cautiously round to ascertain that no one watches him, hastily slinks in: +the door closing of itself after him, to just its former width. The shop +front and the window-frames bear evident marks of having been once +painted; but, what the colour was originally, or at what date it was +probably laid on, are at this remote period questions which may be asked, +but cannot be answered. Tradition states that the transparency in the +front door, which displays at night three red balls on a blue ground, +once bore also, inscribed in graceful waves, the words 'Money advanced on +plate, jewels, wearing apparel, and every description of property,' but a +few illegible hieroglyphics are all that now remain to attest the fact. +The plate and jewels would seem to have disappeared, together with the +announcement, for the articles of stock, which are displayed in some +profusion in the window, do not include any very valuable luxuries of +either kind. A few old china cups; some modern vases, adorned with +paltry paintings of three Spanish cavaliers playing three Spanish +guitars; or a party of boors carousing: each boor with one leg painfully +elevated in the air, by way of expressing his perfect freedom and gaiety; +several sets of chessmen, two or three flutes, a few fiddles, a +round-eyed portrait staring in astonishment from a very dark ground; some +gaudily-bound prayer-books and testaments, two rows of silver watches +quite as clumsy and almost as large as Ferguson's first; numerous +old-fashioned table and tea spoons, displayed, fan-like, in half-dozens; +strings of coral with great broad gilt snaps; cards of rings and +brooches, fastened and labelled separately, like the insects in the +British Museum; cheap silver penholders and snuff-boxes, with a masonic +star, complete the jewellery department; while five or six beds in smeary +clouded ticks, strings of blankets and sheets, silk and cotton +handkerchiefs, and wearing apparel of every description, form the more +useful, though even less ornamental, part, of the articles exposed for +sale. An extensive collection of planes, chisels, saws, and other +carpenters' tools, which have been pledged, and never redeemed, form the +foreground of the picture; while the large frames full of ticketed +bundles, which are dimly seen through the dirty casement up-stairs--the +squalid neighbourhood--the adjoining houses, straggling, shrunken, and +rotten, with one or two filthy, unwholesome-looking heads thrust out of +every window, and old red pans and stunted plants exposed on the +tottering parapets, to the manifest hazard of the heads of the +passers-by--the noisy men loitering under the archway at the corner of +the court, or about the gin-shop next door--and their wives patiently +standing on the curb-stone, with large baskets of cheap vegetables slung +round them for sale, are its immediate auxiliaries. + +If the outside of the pawnbroker's shop be calculated to attract the +attention, or excite the interest, of the speculative pedestrian, its +interior cannot fail to produce the same effect in an increased degree. +The front door, which we have before noticed, opens into the common shop, +which is the resort of all those customers whose habitual acquaintance +with such scenes renders them indifferent to the observation of their +companions in poverty. The side door opens into a small passage from +which some half-dozen doors (which may be secured on the inside by bolts) +open into a corresponding number of little dens, or closets, which face +the counter. Here, the more timid or respectable portion of the crowd +shroud themselves from the notice of the remainder, and patiently wait +until the gentleman behind the counter, with the curly black hair, +diamond ring, and double silver watch-guard, shall feel disposed to +favour them with his notice--a consummation which depends considerably on +the temper of the aforesaid gentleman for the time being. + +At the present moment, this elegantly-attired individual is in the act of +entering the duplicate he has just made out, in a thick book: a process +from which he is diverted occasionally, by a conversation he is carrying +on with another young man similarly employed at a little distance from +him, whose allusions to 'that last bottle of soda-water last night,' and +'how regularly round my hat he felt himself when the young 'ooman gave +'em in charge,' would appear to refer to the consequences of some stolen +joviality of the preceding evening. The customers generally, however, +seem unable to participate in the amusement derivable from this source, +for an old sallow-looking woman, who has been leaning with both arms on +the counter with a small bundle before her, for half an hour previously, +suddenly interrupts the conversation by addressing the jewelled +shopman--'Now, Mr. Henry, do make haste, there's a good soul, for my two +grandchildren's locked up at home, and I'm afeer'd of the fire.' The +shopman slightly raises his head, with an air of deep abstraction, and +resumes his entry with as much deliberation as if he were engraving. +'You're in a hurry, Mrs. Tatham, this ev'nin', an't you?' is the only +notice he deigns to take, after the lapse of five minutes or so. 'Yes, I +am indeed, Mr. Henry; now, do serve me next, there's a good creetur. I +wouldn't worry you, only it's all along o' them botherin' children.' +'What have you got here?' inquires the shopman, unpinning the +bundle--'old concern, I suppose--pair o' stays and a petticut. You must +look up somethin' else, old 'ooman; I can't lend you anything more upon +them; they're completely worn out by this time, if it's only by putting +in, and taking out again, three times a week.' 'Oh! you're a rum un, you +are,' replies the old woman, laughing extremely, as in duty bound; 'I +wish I'd got the gift of the gab like you; see if I'd be up the spout so +often then! No, no; it an't the petticut; it's a child's frock and a +beautiful silk ankecher, as belongs to my husband. He gave four shillin' +for it, the werry same blessed day as he broke his arm.'--'What do you +want upon these?' inquires Mr. Henry, slightly glancing at the articles, +which in all probability are old acquaintances. 'What do you want upon +these?'--'Eighteenpence.'--'Lend you ninepence.'--'Oh, make it a +shillin'; there's a dear--do now?'--'Not another farden.'--'Well, I +suppose I must take it.' The duplicate is made out, one ticket pinned on +the parcel, the other given to the old woman; the parcel is flung +carelessly down into a corner, and some other customer prefers his claim +to be served without further delay. + +The choice falls on an unshaven, dirty, sottish-looking fellow, whose +tarnished paper-cap, stuck negligently over one eye, communicates an +additionally repulsive expression to his very uninviting countenance. He +was enjoying a little relaxation from his sedentary pursuits a quarter of +an hour ago, in kicking his wife up the court. He has come to redeem +some tools:--probably to complete a job with, on account of which he has +already received some money, if his inflamed countenance and drunken +staggers may be taken as evidence of the fact. Having waited some little +time, he makes his presence known by venting his ill-humour on a ragged +urchin, who, being unable to bring his face on a level with the counter +by any other process, has employed himself in climbing up, and then +hooking himself on with his elbows--an uneasy perch, from which he has +fallen at intervals, generally alighting on the toes of the person in his +immediate vicinity. In the present case, the unfortunate little wretch +has received a cuff which sends him reeling to this door; and the donor +of the blow is immediately the object of general indignation. + +'What do you strike the boy for, you brute?' exclaims a slipshod woman, +with two flat irons in a little basket. 'Do you think he's your wife, +you willin?' 'Go and hang yourself!' replies the gentleman addressed, +with a drunken look of savage stupidity, aiming at the same time a blow +at the woman which fortunately misses its object. 'Go and hang yourself; +and wait till I come and cut you down.'--'Cut you down,' rejoins the +woman, 'I wish I had the cutting of you up, you wagabond! (loud.) Oh! +you precious wagabond! (rather louder.) Where's your wife, you willin? +(louder still; women of this class are always sympathetic, and work +themselves into a tremendous passion on the shortest notice.) Your poor +dear wife as you uses worser nor a dog--strike a woman--you a man! (very +shrill;) I wish I had you--I'd murder you, I would, if I died for +it!'--'Now be civil,' retorts the man fiercely. 'Be civil, you wiper!' +ejaculates the woman contemptuously. 'An't it shocking?' she continues, +turning round, and appealing to an old woman who is peeping out of one of +the little closets we have before described, and who has not the +slightest objection to join in the attack, possessing, as she does, the +comfortable conviction that she is bolted in. 'Ain't it shocking, ma'am? +(Dreadful! says the old woman in a parenthesis, not exactly knowing what +the question refers to.) He's got a wife, ma'am, as takes in mangling, +and is as 'dustrious and hard-working a young 'ooman as can be, (very +fast) as lives in the back parlour of our 'ous, which my husband and me +lives in the front one (with great rapidity)--and we hears him a beaten' +on her sometimes when he comes home drunk, the whole night through, and +not only a beaten' her, but beaten' his own child too, to make her more +miserable--ugh, you beast! and she, poor creater, won't swear the peace +agin him, nor do nothin', because she likes the wretch arter all--worse +luck!' Here, as the woman has completely run herself out of breath, the +pawnbroker himself, who has just appeared behind the counter in a gray +dressing-gown, embraces the favourable opportunity of putting in a +word:--'Now I won't have none of this sort of thing on my premises!' he +interposes with an air of authority. 'Mrs. Mackin, keep yourself to +yourself, or you don't get fourpence for a flat iron here; and Jinkins, +you leave your ticket here till you're sober, and send your wife for them +two planes, for I won't have you in my shop at no price; so make yourself +scarce, before I make you scarcer.' + +This eloquent address produces anything but the effect desired; the women +rail in concert; the man hits about him in all directions, and is in the +act of establishing an indisputable claim to gratuitous lodgings for the +night, when the entrance of his wife, a wretched, worn-out woman, +apparently in the last stage of consumption, whose face bears evident +marks of recent ill-usage, and whose strength seems hardly equal to the +burden--light enough, God knows!--of the thin, sickly child she carries +in her arms, turns his cowardly rage in a safer direction. 'Come home, +dear,' cries the miserable creature, in an imploring tone; '_do_ come +home, there's a good fellow, and go to bed.'--'Go home yourself,' rejoins +the furious ruffian. 'Do come home quietly,' repeats the wife, bursting +into tears. 'Go home yourself,' retorts the husband again, enforcing his +argument by a blow which sends the poor creature flying out of the shop. +Her 'natural protector' follows her up the court, alternately venting his +rage in accelerating her progress, and in knocking the little scanty blue +bonnet of the unfortunate child over its still more scanty and +faded-looking face. + +In the last box, which is situated in the darkest and most obscure corner +of the shop, considerably removed from either of the gas-lights, are a +young delicate girl of about twenty, and an elderly female, evidently her +mother from the resemblance between them, who stand at some distance +back, as if to avoid the observation even of the shopman. It is not +their first visit to a pawnbroker's shop, for they answer without a +moment's hesitation the usual questions, put in a rather respectful +manner, and in a much lower tone than usual, of 'What name shall I +say?--Your own property, of course?--Where do you live?--Housekeeper or +lodger?' They bargain, too, for a higher loan than the shopman is at +first inclined to offer, which a perfect stranger would be little +disposed to do; and the elder female urges her daughter on, in scarcely +audible whispers, to exert her utmost powers of persuasion to obtain an +advance of the sum, and expatiate on the value of the articles they have +brought to raise a present supply upon. They are a small gold chain and +a 'Forget me not' ring: the girl's property, for they are both too small +for the mother; given her in better times; prized, perhaps, once, for the +giver's sake, but parted with now without a struggle; for want has +hardened the mother, and her example has hardened the girl, and the +prospect of receiving money, coupled with a recollection of the misery +they have both endured from the want of it--the coldness of old +friends--the stern refusal of some, and the still more galling compassion +of others--appears to have obliterated the consciousness of +self-humiliation, which the idea of their present situation would once +have aroused. + +In the next box, is a young female, whose attire, miserably poor, but +extremely gaudy, wretchedly cold, but extravagantly fine, too plainly +bespeaks her station. The rich satin gown with its faded trimmings, the +worn-out thin shoes, and pink silk stockings, the summer bonnet in +winter, and the sunken face, where a daub of rouge only serves as an +index to the ravages of squandered health never to be regained, and lost +happiness never to be restored, and where the practised smile is a +wretched mockery of the misery of the heart, cannot be mistaken. There +is something in the glimpse she has just caught of her young neighbour, +and in the sight of the little trinkets she has offered in pawn, that +seems to have awakened in this woman's mind some slumbering recollection, +and to have changed, for an instant, her whole demeanour. Her first +hasty impulse was to bend forward as if to scan more minutely the +appearance of her half-concealed companions; her next, on seeing them +involuntarily shrink from her, to retreat to the back of the box, cover +her face with her hands, and burst into tears. + +There are strange chords in the human heart, which will lie dormant +through years of depravity and wickedness, but which will vibrate at last +to some slight circumstance apparently trivial in itself, but connected +by some undefined and indistinct association, with past days that can +never be recalled, and with bitter recollections from which the most +degraded creature in existence cannot escape. + +There has been another spectator, in the person of a woman in the common +shop; the lowest of the low; dirty, unbonneted, flaunting, and slovenly. +Her curiosity was at first attracted by the little she could see of the +group; then her attention. The half-intoxicated leer changed to an +expression of something like interest, and a feeling similar to that we +have described, appeared for a moment, and only a moment, to extend +itself even to her bosom. + +Who shall say how soon these women may change places? The last has but +two more stages--the hospital and the grave. How many females situated +as her two companions are, and as she may have been once, have terminated +the same wretched course, in the same wretched manner! One is already +tracing her footsteps with frightful rapidity. How soon may the other +follow her example! How many have done the same! + + + +CHAPTER XXIV--CRIMINAL COURTS + + +We shall never forget the mingled feelings of awe and respect with which +we used to gaze on the exterior of Newgate in our schoolboy days. How +dreadful its rough heavy walls, and low massive doors, appeared to +us--the latter looking as if they were made for the express purpose of +letting people in, and never letting them out again. Then the fetters +over the debtors' door, which we used to think were a _bona fide_ set of +irons, just hung up there, for convenience' sake, ready to be taken down +at a moment's notice, and riveted on the limbs of some refractory felon! +We were never tired of wondering how the hackney-coachmen on the opposite +stand could cut jokes in the presence of such horrors, and drink pots of +half-and-half so near the last drop. + +Often have we strayed here, in sessions time, to catch a glimpse of the +whipping-place, and that dark building on one side of the yard, in which +is kept the gibbet with all its dreadful apparatus, and on the door of +which we half expected to see a brass plate, with the inscription 'Mr. +Ketch;' for we never imagined that the distinguished functionary could by +possibility live anywhere else! The days of these childish dreams have +passed away, and with them many other boyish ideas of a gayer nature. +But we still retain so much of our original feeling, that to this hour we +never pass the building without something like a shudder. + +What London pedestrian is there who has not, at some time or other, cast +a hurried glance through the wicket at which prisoners are admitted into +this gloomy mansion, and surveyed the few objects he could discern, with +an indescribable feeling of curiosity? The thick door, plated with iron +and mounted with spikes, just low enough to enable you to see, leaning +over them, an ill-looking fellow, in a broad-brimmed hat, Belcher +handkerchief and top-boots: with a brown coat, something between a +great-coat and a 'sporting' jacket, on his back, and an immense key in +his left hand. Perhaps you are lucky enough to pass, just as the gate is +being opened; then, you see on the other side of the lodge, another gate, +the image of its predecessor, and two or three more turnkeys, who look +like multiplications of the first one, seated round a fire which just +lights up the whitewashed apartment sufficiently to enable you to catch a +hasty glimpse of these different objects. We have a great respect for +Mrs. Fry, but she certainly ought to have written more romances than Mrs. +Radcliffe. + +We were walking leisurely down the Old Bailey, some time ago, when, as we +passed this identical gate, it was opened by the officiating turnkey. We +turned quickly round, as a matter of course, and saw two persons +descending the steps. We could not help stopping and observing them. + +They were an elderly woman, of decent appearance, though evidently poor, +and a boy of about fourteen or fifteen. The woman was crying bitterly; +she carried a small bundle in her hand, and the boy followed at a short +distance behind her. Their little history was obvious. The boy was her +son, to whose early comfort she had perhaps sacrificed her own--for whose +sake she had borne misery without repining, and poverty without a +murmur--looking steadily forward to the time, when he who had so long +witnessed her struggles for himself, might be enabled to make some +exertions for their joint support. He had formed dissolute connexions; +idleness had led to crime; and he had been committed to take his trial +for some petty theft. He had been long in prison, and, after receiving +some trifling additional punishment, had been ordered to be discharged +that morning. It was his first offence, and his poor old mother, still +hoping to reclaim him, had been waiting at the gate to implore him to +return home. + +We cannot forget the boy; he descended the steps with a dogged look, +shaking his head with an air of bravado and obstinate determination. +They walked a few paces, and paused. The woman put her hand upon his +shoulder in an agony of entreaty, and the boy sullenly raised his head as +if in refusal. It was a brilliant morning, and every object looked fresh +and happy in the broad, gay sunlight; he gazed round him for a few +moments, bewildered with the brightness of the scene, for it was long +since he had beheld anything save the gloomy walls of a prison. Perhaps +the wretchedness of his mother made some impression on the boy's heart; +perhaps some undefined recollection of the time when he was a happy +child, and she his only friend, and best companion, crowded on him--he +burst into tears; and covering his face with one hand, and hurriedly +placing the other in his mother's, walked away with her. + +Curiosity has occasionally led us into both Courts at the Old Bailey. +Nothing is so likely to strike the person who enters them for the first +time, as the calm indifference with which the proceedings are conducted; +every trial seems a mere matter of business. There is a great deal of +form, but no compassion; considerable interest, but no sympathy. Take +the Old Court for example. There sit the judges, with whose great +dignity everybody is acquainted, and of whom therefore we need say no +more. Then, there is the Lord Mayor in the centre, looking as cool as a +Lord Mayor _can_ look, with an immense _bouquet_ before him, and habited +in all the splendour of his office. Then, there are the Sheriffs, who +are almost as dignified as the Lord Mayor himself; and the Barristers, +who are quite dignified enough in their own opinion; and the spectators, +who having paid for their admission, look upon the whole scene as if it +were got up especially for their amusement. Look upon the whole group in +the body of the Court--some wholly engrossed in the morning papers, +others carelessly conversing in low whispers, and others, again, quietly +dozing away an hour--and you can scarcely believe that the result of the +trial is a matter of life or death to one wretched being present. But +turn your eyes to the dock; watch the prisoner attentively for a few +moments; and the fact is before you, in all its painful reality. Mark +how restlessly he has been engaged for the last ten minutes, in forming +all sorts of fantastic figures with the herbs which are strewed upon the +ledge before him; observe the ashy paleness of his face when a particular +witness appears, and how he changes his position and wipes his clammy +forehead, and feverish hands, when the case for the prosecution is +closed, as if it were a relief to him to feel that the jury knew the +worst. + +The defence is concluded; the judge proceeds to sum up the evidence; and +the prisoner watches the countenances of the jury, as a dying man, +clinging to life to the very last, vainly looks in the face of his +physician for a slight ray of hope. They turn round to consult; you can +almost hear the man's heart beat, as he bites the stalk of rosemary, with +a desperate effort to appear composed. They resume their places--a dead +silence prevails as the foreman delivers in the verdict--'Guilty!' A +shriek bursts from a female in the gallery; the prisoner casts one look +at the quarter from whence the noise proceeded; and is immediately +hurried from the dock by the gaoler. The clerk directs one of the +officers of the Court to 'take the woman out,' and fresh business is +proceeded with, as if nothing had occurred. + +No imaginary contrast to a case like this, could be as complete as that +which is constantly presented in the New Court, the gravity of which is +frequently disturbed in no small degree, by the cunning and pertinacity +of juvenile offenders. A boy of thirteen is tried, say for picking the +pocket of some subject of her Majesty, and the offence is about as +clearly proved as an offence can be. He is called upon for his defence, +and contents himself with a little declamation about the jurymen and his +country--asserts that all the witnesses have committed perjury, and hints +that the police force generally have entered into a conspiracy 'again' +him. However probable this statement may be, it fails to convince the +Court, and some such scene as the following then takes place: + +_Court_: Have you any witnesses to speak to your character, boy? + +_Boy_: Yes, my Lord; fifteen gen'lm'n is a vaten outside, and vos a vaten +all day yesterday, vich they told me the night afore my trial vos a +comin' on. + +_Court_. Inquire for these witnesses. + +Here, a stout beadle runs out, and vociferates for the witnesses at the +very top of his voice; for you hear his cry grow fainter and fainter as +he descends the steps into the court-yard below. After an absence of +five minutes, he returns, very warm and hoarse, and informs the Court of +what it knew perfectly well before--namely, that there are no such +witnesses in attendance. Hereupon, the boy sets up a most awful howling; +screws the lower part of the palms of his hands into the corners of his +eyes; and endeavours to look the picture of injured innocence. The jury +at once find him 'guilty,' and his endeavours to squeeze out a tear or +two are redoubled. The governor of the gaol then states, in reply to an +inquiry from the bench, that the prisoner has been under his care twice +before. This the urchin resolutely denies in some such terms as--'S'elp +me, gen'lm'n, I never vos in trouble afore--indeed, my Lord, I never vos. +It's all a howen to my having a twin brother, vich has wrongfully got +into trouble, and vich is so exactly like me, that no vun ever knows the +difference atween us.' + +This representation, like the defence, fails in producing the desired +effect, and the boy is sentenced, perhaps, to seven years' +transportation. Finding it impossible to excite compassion, he gives +vent to his feelings in an imprecation bearing reference to the eyes of +'old big vig!' and as he declines to take the trouble of walking from the +dock, is forthwith carried out, congratulating himself on having +succeeded in giving everybody as much trouble as possible. + + + +CHAPTER XXV--A VISIT TO NEWGATE + + +'The force of habit' is a trite phrase in everybody's mouth; and it is +not a little remarkable that those who use it most as applied to others, +unconsciously afford in their own persons singular examples of the power +which habit and custom exercise over the minds of men, and of the little +reflection they are apt to bestow on subjects with which every day's +experience has rendered them familiar. If Bedlam could be suddenly +removed like another Aladdin's palace, and set down on the space now +occupied by Newgate, scarcely one man out of a hundred, whose road to +business every morning lies through Newgate-street, or the Old Bailey, +would pass the building without bestowing a hasty glance on its small, +grated windows, and a transient thought upon the condition of the unhappy +beings immured in its dismal cells; and yet these same men, day by day, +and hour by hour, pass and repass this gloomy depository of the guilt and +misery of London, in one perpetual stream of life and bustle, utterly +unmindful of the throng of wretched creatures pent up within it--nay, not +even knowing, or if they do, not heeding, the fact, that as they pass one +particular angle of the massive wall with a light laugh or a merry +whistle, they stand within one yard of a fellow-creature, bound and +helpless, whose hours are numbered, from whom the last feeble ray of hope +has fled for ever, and whose miserable career will shortly terminate in a +violent and shameful death. Contact with death even in its least +terrible shape, is solemn and appalling. How much more awful is it to +reflect on this near vicinity to the dying--to men in full health and +vigour, in the flower of youth or the prime of life, with all their +faculties and perceptions as acute and perfect as your own; but dying, +nevertheless--dying as surely--with the hand of death imprinted upon them +as indelibly--as if mortal disease had wasted their frames to shadows, +and corruption had already begun! + +It was with some such thoughts as these that we determined, not many +weeks since, to visit the interior of Newgate--in an amateur capacity, of +course; and, having carried our intention into effect, we proceed to lay +its results before our readers, in the hope--founded more upon the nature +of the subject, than on any presumptuous confidence in our own +descriptive powers--that this paper may not be found wholly devoid of +interest. We have only to premise, that we do not intend to fatigue the +reader with any statistical accounts of the prison; they will be found at +length in numerous reports of numerous committees, and a variety of +authorities of equal weight. We took no notes, made no memoranda, +measured none of the yards, ascertained the exact number of inches in no +particular room: are unable even to report of how many apartments the +gaol is composed. + +We saw the prison, and saw the prisoners; and what we did see, and what +we thought, we will tell at once in our own way. + +Having delivered our credentials to the servant who answered our knock at +the door of the governor's house, we were ushered into the 'office;' a +little room, on the right-hand side as you enter, with two windows +looking into the Old Bailey: fitted up like an ordinary attorney's +office, or merchant's counting-house, with the usual fixtures--a +wainscoted partition, a shelf or two, a desk, a couple of stools, a pair +of clerks, an almanack, a clock, and a few maps. After a little delay, +occasioned by sending into the interior of the prison for the officer +whose duty it was to conduct us, that functionary arrived; a +respectable-looking man of about two or three and fifty, in a +broad-brimmed hat, and full suit of black, who, but for his keys, would +have looked quite as much like a clergyman as a turnkey. We were +disappointed; he had not even top-boots on. Following our conductor by a +door opposite to that at which we had entered, we arrived at a small +room, without any other furniture than a little desk, with a book for +visitors' autographs, and a shelf, on which were a few boxes for papers, +and casts of the heads and faces of the two notorious murderers, Bishop +and Williams; the former, in particular, exhibiting a style of head and +set of features, which might have afforded sufficient moral grounds for +his instant execution at any time, even had there been no other evidence +against him. Leaving this room also, by an opposite door, we found +ourself in the lodge which opens on the Old Bailey; one side of which is +plentifully garnished with a choice collection of heavy sets of irons, +including those worn by the redoubtable Jack Sheppard--genuine; and those +_said_ to have been graced by the sturdy limbs of the no less celebrated +Dick Turpin--doubtful. From this lodge, a heavy oaken gate, bound with +iron, studded with nails of the same material, and guarded by another +turnkey, opens on a few steps, if we remember right, which terminate in a +narrow and dismal stone passage, running parallel with the Old Bailey, +and leading to the different yards, through a number of tortuous and +intricate windings, guarded in their turn by huge gates and gratings, +whose appearance is sufficient to dispel at once the slightest hope of +escape that any new-comer may have entertained; and the very recollection +of which, on eventually traversing the place again, involves one in a +maze of confusion. + +It is necessary to explain here, that the buildings in the prison, or in +other words the different wards--form a square, of which the four sides +abut respectively on the Old Bailey, the old College of Physicians (now +forming a part of Newgate-market), the Sessions-house, and +Newgate-street. The intermediate space is divided into several paved +yards, in which the prisoners take such air and exercise as can be had in +such a place. These yards, with the exception of that in which prisoners +under sentence of death are confined (of which we shall presently give a +more detailed description), run parallel with Newgate-street, and +consequently from the Old Bailey, as it were, to Newgate-market. The +women's side is in the right wing of the prison nearest the +Sessions-house. As we were introduced into this part of the building +first, we will adopt the same order, and introduce our readers to it +also. + +Turning to the right, then, down the passage to which we just now +adverted, omitting any mention of intervening gates--for if we noticed +every gate that was unlocked for us to pass through, and locked again as +soon as we had passed, we should require a gate at every comma--we came +to a door composed of thick bars of wood, through which were discernible, +passing to and fro in a narrow yard, some twenty women: the majority of +whom, however, as soon as they were aware of the presence of strangers, +retreated to their wards. One side of this yard is railed off at a +considerable distance, and formed into a kind of iron cage, about five +feet ten inches in height, roofed at the top, and defended in front by +iron bars, from which the friends of the female prisoners communicate +with them. In one corner of this singular-looking den, was a yellow, +haggard, decrepit old woman, in a tattered gown that had once been black, +and the remains of an old straw bonnet, with faded ribbon of the same +hue, in earnest conversation with a young girl--a prisoner, of course--of +about two-and-twenty. It is impossible to imagine a more +poverty-stricken object, or a creature so borne down in soul and body, by +excess of misery and destitution, as the old woman. The girl was a +good-looking, robust female, with a profusion of hair streaming about in +the wind--for she had no bonnet on--and a man's silk pocket-handkerchief +loosely thrown over a most ample pair of shoulders. The old woman was +talking in that low, stifled tone of voice which tells so forcibly of +mental anguish; and every now and then burst into an irrepressible sharp, +abrupt cry of grief, the most distressing sound that ears can hear. The +girl was perfectly unmoved. Hardened beyond all hope of redemption, she +listened doggedly to her mother's entreaties, whatever they were: and, +beyond inquiring after 'Jem,' and eagerly catching at the few halfpence +her miserable parent had brought her, took no more apparent interest in +the conversation than the most unconcerned spectators. Heaven knows +there were enough of them, in the persons of the other prisoners in the +yard, who were no more concerned by what was passing before their eyes, +and within their hearing, than if they were blind and deaf. Why should +they be? Inside the prison, and out, such scenes were too familiar to +them, to excite even a passing thought, unless of ridicule or contempt +for feelings which they had long since forgotten. + +A little farther on, a squalid-looking woman in a slovenly, +thick-bordered cap, with her arms muffled in a large red shawl, the +fringed ends of which straggled nearly to the bottom of a dirty white +apron, was communicating some instructions to _her_ visitor--her daughter +evidently. The girl was thinly clad, and shaking with the cold. Some +ordinary word of recognition passed between her and her mother when she +appeared at the grating, but neither hope, condolence, regret, nor +affection was expressed on either side. The mother whispered her +instructions, and the girl received them with her pinched-up, +half-starved features twisted into an expression of careful cunning. It +was some scheme for the woman's defence that she was disclosing, perhaps; +and a sullen smile came over the girl's face for an instant, as if she +were pleased: not so much at the probability of her mother's liberation, +as at the chance of her 'getting off' in spite of her prosecutors. The +dialogue was soon concluded; and with the same careless indifference with +which they had approached each other, the mother turned towards the inner +end of the yard, and the girl to the gate at which she had entered. + +The girl belonged to a class--unhappily but too extensive--the very +existence of which, should make men's hearts bleed. Barely past her +childhood, it required but a glance to discover that she was one of those +children, born and bred in neglect and vice, who have never known what +childhood is: who have never been taught to love and court a parent's +smile, or to dread a parent's frown. The thousand nameless endearments +of childhood, its gaiety and its innocence, are alike unknown to them. +They have entered at once upon the stern realities and miseries of life, +and to their better nature it is almost hopeless to appeal in +after-times, by any of the references which will awaken, if it be only +for a moment, some good feeling in ordinary bosoms, however corrupt they +may have become. Talk to _them_ of parental solicitude, the happy days +of childhood, and the merry games of infancy! Tell them of hunger and +the streets, beggary and stripes, the gin-shop, the station-house, and +the pawnbroker's, and they will understand you. + +Two or three women were standing at different parts of the grating, +conversing with their friends, but a very large proportion of the +prisoners appeared to have no friends at all, beyond such of their old +companions as might happen to be within the walls. So, passing hastily +down the yard, and pausing only for an instant to notice the little +incidents we have just recorded, we were conducted up a clean and +well-lighted flight of stone stairs to one of the wards. There are +several in this part of the building, but a description of one is a +description of the whole. + +It was a spacious, bare, whitewashed apartment, lighted, of course, by +windows looking into the interior of the prison, but far more light and +airy than one could reasonably expect to find in such a situation. There +was a large fire with a deal table before it, round which ten or a dozen +women were seated on wooden forms at dinner. Along both sides of the +room ran a shelf; below it, at regular intervals, a row of large hooks +were fixed in the wall, on each of which was hung the sleeping mat of a +prisoner: her rug and blanket being folded up, and placed on the shelf +above. At night, these mats are placed on the floor, each beneath the +hook on which it hangs during the day; and the ward is thus made to +answer the purposes both of a day-room and sleeping apartment. Over the +fireplace, was a large sheet of pasteboard, on which were displayed a +variety of texts from Scripture, which were also scattered about the room +in scraps about the size and shape of the copy-slips which are used in +schools. On the table was a sufficient provision of a kind of stewed +beef and brown bread, in pewter dishes, which are kept perfectly bright, +and displayed on shelves in great order and regularity when they are not +in use. + +The women rose hastily, on our entrance, and retired in a hurried manner +to either side of the fireplace. They were all cleanly--many of them +decently--attired, and there was nothing peculiar, either in their +appearance or demeanour. One or two resumed the needlework which they +had probably laid aside at the commencement of their meal; others gazed +at the visitors with listless curiosity; and a few retired behind their +companions to the very end of the room, as if desirous to avoid even the +casual observation of the strangers. Some old Irish women, both in this +and other wards, to whom the thing was no novelty, appeared perfectly +indifferent to our presence, and remained standing close to the seats +from which they had just risen; but the general feeling among the females +seemed to be one of uneasiness during the period of our stay among them: +which was very brief. Not a word was uttered during the time of our +remaining, unless, indeed, by the wardswoman in reply to some question +which we put to the turnkey who accompanied us. In every ward on the +female side, a wardswoman is appointed to preserve order, and a similar +regulation is adopted among the males. The wardsmen and wardswomen are +all prisoners, selected for good conduct. They alone are allowed the +privilege of sleeping on bedsteads; a small stump bedstead being placed +in every ward for that purpose. On both sides of the gaol, is a small +receiving-room, to which prisoners are conducted on their first +reception, and whence they cannot be removed until they have been +examined by the surgeon of the prison. {161} + +Retracing our steps to the dismal passage in which we found ourselves at +first (and which, by-the-bye, contains three or four dark cells for the +accommodation of refractory prisoners), we were led through a narrow yard +to the 'school'--a portion of the prison set apart for boys under +fourteen years of age. In a tolerable-sized room, in which were +writing-materials and some copy-books, was the schoolmaster, with a +couple of his pupils; the remainder having been fetched from an adjoining +apartment, the whole were drawn up in line for our inspection. There +were fourteen of them in all, some with shoes, some without; some in +pinafores without jackets, others in jackets without pinafores, and one +in scarce anything at all. The whole number, without an exception we +believe, had been committed for trial on charges of pocket-picking; and +fourteen such terrible little faces we never beheld.--There was not one +redeeming feature among them--not a glance of honesty--not a wink +expressive of anything but the gallows and the hulks, in the whole +collection. As to anything like shame or contrition, that was entirely +out of the question. They were evidently quite gratified at being +thought worth the trouble of looking at; their idea appeared to be, that +we had come to see Newgate as a grand affair, and that they were an +indispensable part of the show; and every boy as he 'fell in' to the +line, actually seemed as pleased and important as if he had done +something excessively meritorious in getting there at all. We never +looked upon a more disagreeable sight, because we never saw fourteen such +hopeless creatures of neglect, before. + +On either side of the school-yard is a yard for men, in one of +which--that towards Newgate-street--prisoners of the more respectable +class are confined. Of the other, we have little description to offer, +as the different wards necessarily partake of the same character. They +are provided, like the wards on the women's side, with mats and rugs, +which are disposed of in the same manner during the day; the only very +striking difference between their appearance and that of the wards +inhabited by the females, is the utter absence of any employment. +Huddled together on two opposite forms, by the fireside, sit twenty men +perhaps; here, a boy in livery; there, a man in a rough great-coat and +top-boots; farther on, a desperate-looking fellow in his shirt-sleeves, +with an old Scotch cap upon his shaggy head; near him again, a tall +ruffian, in a smock-frock; next to him, a miserable being of distressed +appearance, with his head resting on his hand;--all alike in one respect, +all idle and listless. When they do leave the fire, sauntering moodily +about, lounging in the window, or leaning against the wall, vacantly +swinging their bodies to and fro. With the exception of a man reading an +old newspaper, in two or three instances, this was the case in every ward +we entered. + +The only communication these men have with their friends, is through two +close iron gratings, with an intermediate space of about a yard in width +between the two, so that nothing can be handed across, nor can the +prisoner have any communication by touch with the person who visits him. +The married men have a separate grating, at which to see their wives, but +its construction is the same. + +The prison chapel is situated at the back of the governor's house: the +latter having no windows looking into the interior of the prison. +Whether the associations connected with the place--the knowledge that +here a portion of the burial service is, on some dreadful occasions, +performed over the quick and not upon the dead--cast over it a still more +gloomy and sombre air than art has imparted to it, we know not, but its +appearance is very striking. There is something in a silent and deserted +place of worship, solemn and impressive at any time; and the very +dissimilarity of this one from any we have been accustomed to, only +enhances the impression. The meanness of its appointments--the bare and +scanty pulpit, with the paltry painted pillars on either side--the +women's gallery with its great heavy curtain--the men's with its +unpainted benches and dingy front--the tottering little table at the +altar, with the commandments on the wall above it, scarcely legible +through lack of paint, and dust and damp--so unlike the velvet and +gilding, the marble and wood, of a modern church--are strange and +striking. There is one object, too, which rivets the attention and +fascinates the gaze, and from which we may turn horror-stricken in vain, +for the recollection of it will haunt us, waking and sleeping, for a long +time afterwards. Immediately below the reading-desk, on the floor of the +chapel, and forming the most conspicuous object in its little area, is +_the condemned pew_; a huge black pen, in which the wretched people, who +are singled out for death, are placed on the Sunday preceding their +execution, in sight of all their fellow-prisoners, from many of whom they +may have been separated but a week before, to hear prayers for their own +souls, to join in the responses of their own burial service, and to +listen to an address, warning their recent companions to take example by +their fate, and urging themselves, while there is yet time--nearly +four-and-twenty hours--to 'turn, and flee from the wrath to come!' +Imagine what have been the feelings of the men whom that fearful pew has +enclosed, and of whom, between the gallows and the knife, no mortal +remnant may now remain! Think of the hopeless clinging to life to the +last, and the wild despair, far exceeding in anguish the felon's death +itself, by which they have heard the certainty of their speedy +transmission to another world, with all their crimes upon their heads, +rung into their ears by the officiating clergyman! + +At one time--and at no distant period either--the coffins of the men +about to be executed, were placed in that pew, upon the seat by their +side, during the whole service. It may seem incredible, but it is true. +Let us hope that the increased spirit of civilisation and humanity which +abolished this frightful and degrading custom, may extend itself to other +usages equally barbarous; usages which have not even the plea of utility +in their defence, as every year's experience has shown them to be more +and more inefficacious. + +Leaving the chapel, descending to the passage so frequently alluded to, +and crossing the yard before noticed as being allotted to prisoners of a +more respectable description than the generality of men confined here, +the visitor arrives at a thick iron gate of great size and strength. +Having been admitted through it by the turnkey on duty, he turns sharp +round to the left, and pauses before another gate; and, having passed +this last barrier, he stands in the most terrible part of this gloomy +building--the condemned ward. + +The press-yard, well known by name to newspaper readers, from its +frequent mention in accounts of executions, is at the corner of the +building, and next to the ordinary's house, in Newgate-street: running +from Newgate-street, towards the centre of the prison, parallel with +Newgate-market. It is a long, narrow court, of which a portion of the +wall in Newgate-street forms one end, and the gate the other. At the +upper end, on the left hand--that is, adjoining the wall in +Newgate-street--is a cistern of water, and at the bottom a double grating +(of which the gate itself forms a part) similar to that before described. +Through these grates the prisoners are allowed to see their friends; a +turnkey always remaining in the vacant space between, during the whole +interview. Immediately on the right as you enter, is a building +containing the press-room, day-room, and cells; the yard is on every side +surrounded by lofty walls guarded by _chevaux de frise_; and the whole is +under the constant inspection of vigilant and experienced turnkeys. + +In the first apartment into which we were conducted--which was at the top +of a staircase, and immediately over the press-room--were five-and-twenty +or thirty prisoners, all under sentence of death, awaiting the result of +the recorder's report--men of all ages and appearances, from a hardened +old offender with swarthy face and grizzly beard of three days' growth, +to a handsome boy, not fourteen years old, and of singularly youthful +appearance even for that age, who had been condemned for burglary. There +was nothing remarkable in the appearance of these prisoners. One or two +decently-dressed men were brooding with a dejected air over the fire; +several little groups of two or three had been engaged in conversation at +the upper end of the room, or in the windows; and the remainder were +crowded round a young man seated at a table, who appeared to be engaged +in teaching the younger ones to write. The room was large, airy, and +clean. There was very little anxiety or mental suffering depicted in the +countenance of any of the men;--they had all been sentenced to death, it +is true, and the recorder's report had not yet been made; but, we +question whether there was a man among them, notwithstanding, who did not +_know_ that although he had undergone the ceremony, it never was intended +that his life should be sacrificed. On the table lay a Testament, but +there were no tokens of its having been in recent use. + +In the press-room below, were three men, the nature of whose offence +rendered it necessary to separate them, even from their companions in +guilt. It is a long, sombre room, with two windows sunk into the stone +wall, and here the wretched men are pinioned on the morning of their +execution, before moving towards the scaffold. The fate of one of these +prisoners was uncertain; some mitigatory circumstances having come to +light since his trial, which had been humanely represented in the proper +quarter. The other two had nothing to expect from the mercy of the +crown; their doom was sealed; no plea could be urged in extenuation of +their crime, and they well knew that for them there was no hope in this +world. 'The two short ones,' the turnkey whispered, 'were dead men.' + +The man to whom we have alluded as entertaining some hopes of escape, was +lounging, at the greatest distance he could place between himself and his +companions, in the window nearest to the door. He was probably aware of +our approach, and had assumed an air of courageous indifference; his face +was purposely averted towards the window, and he stirred not an inch +while we were present. The other two men were at the upper end of the +room. One of them, who was imperfectly seen in the dim light, had his +back towards us, and was stooping over the fire, with his right arm on +the mantel-piece, and his head sunk upon it. The other was leaning on +the sill of the farthest window. The light fell full upon him, and +communicated to his pale, haggard face, and disordered hair, an +appearance which, at that distance, was ghastly. His cheek rested upon +his hand; and, with his face a little raised, and his eyes wildly staring +before him, he seemed to be unconsciously intent on counting the chinks +in the opposite wall. We passed this room again afterwards. The first +man was pacing up and down the court with a firm military step--he had +been a soldier in the foot-guards--and a cloth cap jauntily thrown on one +side of his head. He bowed respectfully to our conductor, and the salute +was returned. The other two still remained in the positions we have +described, and were as motionless as statues. {165} + +A few paces up the yard, and forming a continuation of the building, in +which are the two rooms we have just quitted, lie the condemned cells. +The entrance is by a narrow and obscure stair-case leading to a dark +passage, in which a charcoal stove casts a lurid tint over the objects in +its immediate vicinity, and diffuses something like warmth around. From +the left-hand side of this passage, the massive door of every cell on the +story opens; and from it alone can they be approached. There are three +of these passages, and three of these ranges of cells, one above the +other; but in size, furniture and appearance, they are all precisely +alike. Prior to the recorder's report being made, all the prisoners +under sentence of death are removed from the day-room at five o'clock in +the afternoon, and locked up in these cells, where they are allowed a +candle until ten o'clock; and here they remain until seven next morning. +When the warrant for a prisoner's execution arrives, he is removed to the +cells and confined in one of them until he leaves it for the scaffold. +He is at liberty to walk in the yard; but, both in his walks and in his +cell, he is constantly attended by a turnkey who never leaves him on any +pretence. + +We entered the first cell. It was a stone dungeon, eight feet long by +six wide, with a bench at the upper end, under which were a common rug, a +bible, and prayer-book. An iron candlestick was fixed into the wall at +the side; and a small high window in the back admitted as much air and +light as could struggle in between a double row of heavy, crossed iron +bars. It contained no other furniture of any description. + +Conceive the situation of a man, spending his last night on earth in this +cell. Buoyed up with some vague and undefined hope of reprieve, he knew +not why--indulging in some wild and visionary idea of escaping, he knew +not how--hour after hour of the three preceding days allowed him for +preparation, has fled with a speed which no man living would deem +possible, for none but this dying man can know. He has wearied his +friends with entreaties, exhausted the attendants with importunities, +neglected in his feverish restlessness the timely warnings of his +spiritual consoler; and, now that the illusion is at last dispelled, now +that eternity is before him and guilt behind, now that his fears of death +amount almost to madness, and an overwhelming sense of his helpless, +hopeless state rushes upon him, he is lost and stupefied, and has neither +thoughts to turn to, nor power to call upon, the Almighty Being, from +whom alone he can seek mercy and forgiveness, and before whom his +repentance can alone avail. + +Hours have glided by, and still he sits upon the same stone bench with +folded arms, heedless alike of the fast decreasing time before him, and +the urgent entreaties of the good man at his side. The feeble light is +wasting gradually, and the deathlike stillness of the street without, +broken only by the rumbling of some passing vehicle which echoes +mournfully through the empty yards, warns him that the night is waning +fast away. The deep bell of St. Paul's strikes--one! He heard it; it +has roused him. Seven hours left! He paces the narrow limits of his +cell with rapid strides, cold drops of terror starting on his forehead, +and every muscle of his frame quivering with agony. Seven hours! He +suffers himself to be led to his seat, mechanically takes the bible which +is placed in his hand, and tries to read and listen. No: his thoughts +will wander. The book is torn and soiled by use--and like the book he +read his lessons in, at school, just forty years ago! He has never +bestowed a thought upon it, perhaps, since he left it as a child: and yet +the place, the time, the room--nay, the very boys he played with, crowd +as vividly before him as if they were scenes of yesterday; and some +forgotten phrase, some childish word, rings in his ears like the echo of +one uttered but a minute since. The voice of the clergyman recalls him +to himself. He is reading from the sacred book its solemn promises of +pardon for repentance, and its awful denunciation of obdurate men. He +falls upon his knees and clasps his hands to pray. Hush! what sound was +that? He starts upon his feet. It cannot be two yet. Hark! Two +quarters have struck;--the third--the fourth. It is! Six hours left. +Tell him not of repentance! Six hours' repentance for eight times six +years of guilt and sin! He buries his face in his hands, and throws +himself on the bench. + +Worn with watching and excitement, he sleeps, and the same unsettled +state of mind pursues him in his dreams. An insupportable load is taken +from his breast; he is walking with his wife in a pleasant field, with +the bright sky above them, and a fresh and boundless prospect on every +side--how different from the stone walls of Newgate! She is looking--not +as she did when he saw her for the last time in that dreadful place, but +as she used when he loved her--long, long ago, before misery and +ill-treatment had altered her looks, and vice had changed his nature, and +she is leaning upon his arm, and looking up into his face with tenderness +and affection--and he does _not_ strike her now, nor rudely shake her +from him. And oh! how glad he is to tell her all he had forgotten in +that last hurried interview, and to fall on his knees before her and +fervently beseech her pardon for all the unkindness and cruelty that +wasted her form and broke her heart! The scene suddenly changes. He is +on his trial again: there are the judge and jury, and prosecutors, and +witnesses, just as they were before. How full the court is--what a sea +of heads--with a gallows, too, and a scaffold--and how all those people +stare at _him_! Verdict, 'Guilty.' No matter; he will escape. + +The night is dark and cold, the gates have been left open, and in an +instant he is in the street, flying from the scene of his imprisonment +like the wind. The streets are cleared, the open fields are gained and +the broad, wide country lies before him. Onward he dashes in the midst +of darkness, over hedge and ditch, through mud and pool, bounding from +spot to spot with a speed and lightness, astonishing even to himself. At +length he pauses; he must be safe from pursuit now; he will stretch +himself on that bank and sleep till sunrise. + +A period of unconsciousness succeeds. He wakes, cold and wretched. The +dull, gray light of morning is stealing into the cell, and falls upon the +form of the attendant turnkey. Confused by his dreams, he starts from +his uneasy bed in momentary uncertainty. It is but momentary. Every +object in the narrow cell is too frightfully real to admit of doubt or +mistake. He is the condemned felon again, guilty and despairing; and in +two hours more will be dead. + + + + +CHARACTERS + + +CHAPTER I--THOUGHTS ABOUT PEOPLE + + +It is strange with how little notice, good, bad, or indifferent, a man +may live and die in London. He awakens no sympathy in the breast of any +single person; his existence is a matter of interest to no one save +himself; he cannot be said to be forgotten when he dies, for no one +remembered him when he was alive. There is a numerous class of people in +this great metropolis who seem not to possess a single friend, and whom +nobody appears to care for. Urged by imperative necessity in the first +instance, they have resorted to London in search of employment, and the +means of subsistence. It is hard, we know, to break the ties which bind +us to our homes and friends, and harder still to efface the thousand +recollections of happy days and old times, which have been slumbering in +our bosoms for years, and only rush upon the mind, to bring before it +associations connected with the friends we have left, the scenes we have +beheld too probably for the last time, and the hopes we once cherished, +but may entertain no more. These men, however, happily for themselves, +have long forgotten such thoughts. Old country friends have died or +emigrated; former correspondents have become lost, like themselves, in +the crowd and turmoil of some busy city; and they have gradually settled +down into mere passive creatures of habit and endurance. + +We were seated in the enclosure of St. James's Park the other day, when +our attention was attracted by a man whom we immediately put down in our +own mind as one of this class. He was a tall, thin, pale person, in a +black coat, scanty gray trousers, little pinched-up gaiters, and brown +beaver gloves. He had an umbrella in his hand--not for use, for the day +was fine--but, evidently, because he always carried one to the office in +the morning. He walked up and down before the little patch of grass on +which the chairs are placed for hire, not as if he were doing it for +pleasure or recreation, but as if it were a matter of compulsion, just as +he would walk to the office every morning from the back settlements of +Islington. It was Monday; he had escaped for four-and-twenty hours from +the thraldom of the desk; and was walking here for exercise and +amusement--perhaps for the first time in his life. We were inclined to +think he had never had a holiday before, and that he did not know what to +do with himself. Children were playing on the grass; groups of people +were loitering about, chatting and laughing; but the man walked steadily +up and down, unheeding and unheeded his spare, pale face looking as if it +were incapable of bearing the expression of curiosity or interest. + +There was something in the man's manner and appearance which told us, we +fancied, his whole life, or rather his whole day, for a man of this sort +has no variety of days. We thought we almost saw the dingy little back +office into which he walks every morning, hanging his hat on the same +peg, and placing his legs beneath the same desk: first, taking off that +black coat which lasts the year through, and putting on the one which did +duty last year, and which he keeps in his desk to save the other. There +he sits till five o'clock, working on, all day, as regularly as the dial +over the mantel-piece, whose loud ticking is as monotonous as his whole +existence: only raising his head when some one enters the counting-house, +or when, in the midst of some difficult calculation, he looks up to the +ceiling as if there were inspiration in the dusty skylight with a green +knot in the centre of every pane of glass. About five, or half-past, he +slowly dismounts from his accustomed stool, and again changing his coat, +proceeds to his usual dining-place, somewhere near Bucklersbury. The +waiter recites the bill of fare in a rather confidential manner--for he +is a regular customer--and after inquiring 'What's in the best cut?' and +'What was up last?' he orders a small plate of roast beef, with greens, +and half-a-pint of porter. He has a small plate to-day, because greens +are a penny more than potatoes, and he had 'two breads' yesterday, with +the additional enormity of 'a cheese' the day before. This important +point settled, he hangs up his hat--he took it off the moment he sat +down--and bespeaks the paper after the next gentleman. If he can get it +while he is at dinner, he eats with much greater zest; balancing it +against the water-bottle, and eating a bit of beef, and reading a line or +two, alternately. Exactly at five minutes before the hour is up, he +produces a shilling, pays the reckoning, carefully deposits the change in +his waistcoat-pocket (first deducting a penny for the waiter), and +returns to the office, from which, if it is not foreign post night, he +again sallies forth, in about half an hour. He then walks home, at his +usual pace, to his little back room at Islington, where he has his tea; +perhaps solacing himself during the meal with the conversation of his +landlady's little boy, whom he occasionally rewards with a penny, for +solving problems in simple addition. Sometimes, there is a letter or two +to take up to his employer's, in Russell-square; and then, the wealthy +man of business, hearing his voice, calls out from the +dining-parlour,--'Come in, Mr. Smith:' and Mr. Smith, putting his hat at +the feet of one of the hall chairs, walks timidly in, and being +condescendingly desired to sit down, carefully tucks his legs under his +chair, and sits at a considerable distance from the table while he drinks +the glass of sherry which is poured out for him by the eldest boy, and +after drinking which, he backs and slides out of the room, in a state of +nervous agitation from which he does not perfectly recover, until he +finds himself once more in the Islington-road. Poor, harmless creatures +such men are; contented but not happy; broken-spirited and humbled, they +may feel no pain, but they never know pleasure. + +Compare these men with another class of beings who, like them, have +neither friend nor companion, but whose position in society is the result +of their own choice. These are generally old fellows with white heads +and red faces, addicted to port wine and Hessian boots, who from some +cause, real or imaginary--generally the former, the excellent reason +being that they are rich, and their relations poor--grow suspicious of +everybody, and do the misanthropical in chambers, taking great delight in +thinking themselves unhappy, and making everybody they come near, +miserable. You may see such men as these, anywhere; you will know them +at coffee-houses by their discontented exclamations and the luxury of +their dinners; at theatres, by their always sitting in the same place and +looking with a jaundiced eye on all the young people near them; at +church, by the pomposity with which they enter, and the loud tone in +which they repeat the responses; at parties, by their getting cross at +whist and hating music. An old fellow of this kind will have his +chambers splendidly furnished, and collect books, plate, and pictures +about him in profusion; not so much for his own gratification, as to be +superior to those who have the desire, but not the means, to compete with +him. He belongs to two or three clubs, and is envied, and flattered, and +hated by the members of them all. Sometimes he will be appealed to by a +poor relation--a married nephew perhaps--for some little assistance: and +then he will declaim with honest indignation on the improvidence of young +married people, the worthlessness of a wife, the insolence of having a +family, the atrocity of getting into debt with a hundred and twenty-five +pounds a year, and other unpardonable crimes; winding up his exhortations +with a complacent review of his own conduct, and a delicate allusion to +parochial relief. He dies, some day after dinner, of apoplexy, having +bequeathed his property to a Public Society, and the Institution erects a +tablet to his memory, expressive of their admiration of his Christian +conduct in this world, and their comfortable conviction of his happiness +in the next. + +But, next to our very particular friends, hackney-coachmen, cabmen and +cads, whom we admire in proportion to the extent of their cool impudence +and perfect self-possession, there is no class of people who amuse us +more than London apprentices. They are no longer an organised body, +bound down by solemn compact to terrify his Majesty's subjects whenever +it pleases them to take offence in their heads and staves in their hands. +They are only bound, now, by indentures, and, as to their valour, it is +easily restrained by the wholesome dread of the New Police, and a +perspective view of a damp station-house, terminating in a police-office +and a reprimand. They are still, however, a peculiar class, and not the +less pleasant for being inoffensive. Can any one fail to have noticed +them in the streets on Sunday? And were there ever such harmless efforts +at the grand and magnificent as the young fellows display! We walked +down the Strand, a Sunday or two ago, behind a little group; and they +furnished food for our amusement the whole way. They had come out of +some part of the city; it was between three and four o'clock in the +afternoon; and they were on their way to the Park. There were four of +them, all arm-in-arm, with white kid gloves like so many bridegrooms, +light trousers of unprecedented patterns, and coats for which the English +language has yet no name--a kind of cross between a great-coat and a +surtout, with the collar of the one, the skirts of the other, and pockets +peculiar to themselves. + +Each of the gentlemen carried a thick stick, with a large tassel at the +top, which he occasionally twirled gracefully round; and the whole four, +by way of looking easy and unconcerned, were walking with a paralytic +swagger irresistibly ludicrous. One of the party had a watch about the +size and shape of a reasonable Ribstone pippin, jammed into his +waistcoat-pocket, which he carefully compared with the clocks at St. +Clement's and the New Church, the illuminated clock at Exeter 'Change, +the clock of St. Martin's Church, and the clock of the Horse Guards. +When they at last arrived in St. James's Park, the member of the party +who had the best-made boots on, hired a second chair expressly for his +feet, and flung himself on this two-pennyworth of sylvan luxury with an +air which levelled all distinctions between Brookes's and Snooks's, +Crockford's and Bagnigge Wells. + +We may smile at such people, but they can never excite our anger. They +are usually on the best terms with themselves, and it follows almost as a +matter of course, in good humour with every one about them. Besides, +they are always the faint reflection of higher lights; and, if they do +display a little occasional foolery in their own proper persons, it is +surely more tolerable than precocious puppyism in the Quadrant, whiskered +dandyism in Regent-street and Pall-mall, or gallantry in its dotage +anywhere. + + + +CHAPTER II--A CHRISTMAS DINNER + + +Christmas time! That man must be a misanthrope indeed, in whose breast +something like a jovial feeling is not roused--in whose mind some +pleasant associations are not awakened--by the recurrence of Christmas. +There are people who will tell you that Christmas is not to them what it +used to be; that each succeeding Christmas has found some cherished hope, +or happy prospect, of the year before, dimmed or passed away; that the +present only serves to remind them of reduced circumstances and +straitened incomes--of the feasts they once bestowed on hollow friends, +and of the cold looks that meet them now, in adversity and misfortune. +Never heed such dismal reminiscences. There are few men who have lived +long enough in the world, who cannot call up such thoughts any day in the +year. Then do not select the merriest of the three hundred and +sixty-five for your doleful recollections, but draw your chair nearer the +blazing fire--fill the glass and send round the song--and if your room be +smaller than it was a dozen years ago, or if your glass be filled with +reeking punch, instead of sparkling wine, put a good face on the matter, +and empty it off-hand, and fill another, and troll off the old ditty you +used to sing, and thank God it's no worse. Look on the merry faces of +your children (if you have any) as they sit round the fire. One little +seat may be empty; one slight form that gladdened the father's heart, and +roused the mother's pride to look upon, may not be there. Dwell not upon +the past; think not that one short year ago, the fair child now resolving +into dust, sat before you, with the bloom of health upon its cheek, and +the gaiety of infancy in its joyous eye. Reflect upon your present +blessings--of which every man has many--not on your past misfortunes, of +which all men have some. Fill your glass again, with a merry face and +contented heart. Our life on it, but your Christmas shall be merry, and +your new year a happy one! + +Who can be insensible to the outpourings of good feeling, and the honest +interchange of affectionate attachment, which abound at this season of +the year? A Christmas family-party! We know nothing in nature more +delightful! There seems a magic in the very name of Christmas. Petty +jealousies and discords are forgotten; social feelings are awakened, in +bosoms to which they have long been strangers; father and son, or brother +and sister, who have met and passed with averted gaze, or a look of cold +recognition, for months before, proffer and return the cordial embrace, +and bury their past animosities in their present happiness. Kindly +hearts that have yearned towards each other, but have been withheld by +false notions of pride and self-dignity, are again reunited, and all is +kindness and benevolence! Would that Christmas lasted the whole year +through (as it ought), and that the prejudices and passions which deform +our better nature, were never called into action among those to whom they +should ever be strangers! + +The Christmas family-party that we mean, is not a mere assemblage of +relations, got up at a week or two's notice, originating this year, +having no family precedent in the last, and not likely to be repeated in +the next. No. It is an annual gathering of all the accessible members +of the family, young or old, rich or poor; and all the children look +forward to it, for two months beforehand, in a fever of anticipation. +Formerly, it was held at grandpapa's; but grandpapa getting old, and +grandmamma getting old too, and rather infirm, they have given up +house-keeping, and domesticated themselves with uncle George; so, the +party always takes place at uncle George's house, but grandmamma sends in +most of the good things, and grandpapa always _will_ toddle down, all the +way to Newgate-market, to buy the turkey, which he engages a porter to +bring home behind him in triumph, always insisting on the man's being +rewarded with a glass of spirits, over and above his hire, to drink 'a +merry Christmas and a happy new year' to aunt George. As to grandmamma, +she is very secret and mysterious for two or three days beforehand, but +not sufficiently so, to prevent rumours getting afloat that she has +purchased a beautiful new cap with pink ribbons for each of the servants, +together with sundry books, and pen-knives, and pencil-cases, for the +younger branches; to say nothing of divers secret additions to the order +originally given by aunt George at the pastry-cook's, such as another +dozen of mince-pies for the dinner, and a large plum-cake for the +children. + +On Christmas-eve, grandmamma is always in excellent spirits, and after +employing all the children, during the day, in stoning the plums, and all +that, insists, regularly every year, on uncle George coming down into the +kitchen, taking off his coat, and stirring the pudding for half an hour +or so, which uncle George good-humouredly does, to the vociferous delight +of the children and servants. The evening concludes with a glorious game +of blind-man's-buff, in an early stage of which grandpapa takes great +care to be caught, in order that he may have an opportunity of displaying +his dexterity. + +On the following morning, the old couple, with as many of the children as +the pew will hold, go to church in great state: leaving aunt George at +home dusting decanters and filling casters, and uncle George carrying +bottles into the dining-parlour, and calling for corkscrews, and getting +into everybody's way. + +When the church-party return to lunch, grandpapa produces a small sprig +of mistletoe from his pocket, and tempts the boys to kiss their little +cousins under it--a proceeding which affords both the boys and the old +gentleman unlimited satisfaction, but which rather outrages grandmamma's +ideas of decorum, until grandpapa says, that when he was just thirteen +years and three months old, _he_ kissed grandmamma under a mistletoe too, +on which the children clap their hands, and laugh very heartily, as do +aunt George and uncle George; and grandmamma looks pleased, and says, +with a benevolent smile, that grandpapa was an impudent young dog, on +which the children laugh very heartily again, and grandpapa more heartily +than any of them. + +But all these diversions are nothing to the subsequent excitement when +grandmamma in a high cap, and slate-coloured silk gown; and grandpapa +with a beautifully plaited shirt-frill, and white neckerchief; seat +themselves on one side of the drawing-room fire, with uncle George's +children and little cousins innumerable, seated in the front, waiting the +arrival of the expected visitors. Suddenly a hackney-coach is heard to +stop, and uncle George, who has been looking out of the window, exclaims +'Here's Jane!' on which the children rush to the door, and helter-skelter +down-stairs; and uncle Robert and aunt Jane, and the dear little baby, +and the nurse, and the whole party, are ushered up-stairs amidst +tumultuous shouts of 'Oh, my!' from the children, and frequently repeated +warnings not to hurt baby from the nurse. And grandpapa takes the child, +and grandmamma kisses her daughter, and the confusion of this first entry +has scarcely subsided, when some other aunts and uncles with more cousins +arrive, and the grown-up cousins flirt with each other, and so do the +little cousins too, for that matter, and nothing is to be heard but a +confused din of talking, laughing, and merriment. + +A hesitating double knock at the street-door, heard during a momentary +pause in the conversation, excites a general inquiry of 'Who's that?' and +two or three children, who have been standing at the window, announce in +a low voice, that it's 'poor aunt Margaret.' Upon which, aunt George +leaves the room to welcome the new-comer; and grandmamma draws herself +up, rather stiff and stately; for Margaret married a poor man without her +consent, and poverty not being a sufficiently weighty punishment for her +offence, has been discarded by her friends, and debarred the society of +her dearest relatives. But Christmas has come round, and the unkind +feelings that have struggled against better dispositions during the year, +have melted away before its genial influence, like half-formed ice +beneath the morning sun. It is not difficult in a moment of angry +feeling for a parent to denounce a disobedient child; but, to banish her +at a period of general good-will and hilarity, from the hearth, round +which she has sat on so many anniversaries of the same day, expanding by +slow degrees from infancy to girlhood, and then bursting, almost +imperceptibly, into a woman, is widely different. The air of conscious +rectitude, and cold forgiveness, which the old lady has assumed, sits ill +upon her; and when the poor girl is led in by her sister, pale in looks +and broken in hope--not from poverty, for that she could bear, but from +the consciousness of undeserved neglect, and unmerited unkindness--it is +easy to see how much of it is assumed. A momentary pause succeeds; the +girl breaks suddenly from her sister and throws herself, sobbing, on her +mother's neck. The father steps hastily forward, and takes her husband's +hand. Friends crowd round to offer their hearty congratulations, and +happiness and harmony again prevail. + +As to the dinner, it's perfectly delightful--nothing goes wrong, and +everybody is in the very best of spirits, and disposed to please and be +pleased. Grandpapa relates a circumstantial account of the purchase of +the turkey, with a slight digression relative to the purchase of previous +turkeys, on former Christmas-days, which grandmamma corroborates in the +minutest particular. Uncle George tells stories, and carves poultry, and +takes wine, and jokes with the children at the side-table, and winks at +the cousins that are making love, or being made love to, and exhilarates +everybody with his good humour and hospitality; and when, at last, a +stout servant staggers in with a gigantic pudding, with a sprig of holly +in the top, there is such a laughing, and shouting, and clapping of +little chubby hands, and kicking up of fat dumpy legs, as can only be +equalled by the applause with which the astonishing feat of pouring +lighted brandy into mince-pies, is received by the younger visitors. +Then the dessert!--and the wine!--and the fun! Such beautiful speeches, +and _such_ songs, from aunt Margaret's husband, who turns out to be such +a nice man, and _so_ attentive to grandmamma! Even grandpapa not only +sings his annual song with unprecedented vigour, but on being honoured +with an unanimous _encore_, according to annual custom, actually comes +out with a new one which nobody but grandmamma ever heard before; and a +young scapegrace of a cousin, who has been in some disgrace with the old +people, for certain heinous sins of omission and commission--neglecting +to call, and persisting in drinking Burton Ale--astonishes everybody into +convulsions of laughter by volunteering the most extraordinary comic +songs that ever were heard. And thus the evening passes, in a strain of +rational good-will and cheerfulness, doing more to awaken the sympathies +of every member of the party in behalf of his neighbour, and to +perpetuate their good feeling during the ensuing year, than half the +homilies that have ever been written, by half the Divines that have ever +lived. + + + +CHAPTER III--THE NEW YEAR + + +Next to Christmas-day, the most pleasant annual epoch in existence is the +advent of the New Year. There are a lachrymose set of people who usher +in the New Year with watching and fasting, as if they were bound to +attend as chief mourners at the obsequies of the old one. Now, we cannot +but think it a great deal more complimentary, both to the old year that +has rolled away, and to the New Year that is just beginning to dawn upon +us, to see the old fellow out, and the new one in, with gaiety and glee. + +There must have been some few occurrences in the past year to which we +can look back, with a smile of cheerful recollection, if not with a +feeling of heartfelt thankfulness. And we are bound by every rule of +justice and equity to give the New Year credit for being a good one, +until he proves himself unworthy the confidence we repose in him. + +This is our view of the matter; and entertaining it, notwithstanding our +respect for the old year, one of the few remaining moments of whose +existence passes away with every word we write, here we are, seated by +our fireside on this last night of the old year, one thousand eight +hundred and thirty-six, penning this article with as jovial a face as if +nothing extraordinary had happened, or was about to happen, to disturb +our good humour. + +Hackney-coaches and carriages keep rattling up the street and down the +street in rapid succession, conveying, doubtless, smartly-dressed +coachfuls to crowded parties; loud and repeated double knocks at the +house with green blinds, opposite, announce to the whole neighbourhood +that there's one large party in the street at all events; and we saw +through the window, and through the fog too, till it grew so thick that +we rung for candles, and drew our curtains, pastry-cooks' men with green +boxes on their heads, and rout-furniture-warehouse-carts, with cane seats +and French lamps, hurrying to the numerous houses where an annual +festival is held in honour of the occasion. + +We can fancy one of these parties, we think, as well as if we were duly +dress-coated and pumped, and had just been announced at the drawing-room +door. + +Take the house with the green blinds for instance. We know it is a +quadrille party, because we saw some men taking up the front drawing-room +carpet while we sat at breakfast this morning, and if further evidence be +required, and we must tell the truth, we just now saw one of the young +ladies 'doing' another of the young ladies' hair, near one of the bedroom +windows, in an unusual style of splendour, which nothing else but a +quadrille party could possibly justify. + +The master of the house with the green blinds is in a public office; we +know the fact by the cut of his coat, the tie of his neckcloth, and the +self-satisfaction of his gait--the very green blinds themselves have a +Somerset House air about them. + +Hark!--a cab! That's a junior clerk in the same office; a tidy sort of +young man, with a tendency to cold and corns, who comes in a pair of +boots with black cloth fronts, and brings his shoes in his coat-pocket, +which shoes he is at this very moment putting on in the hall. Now he is +announced by the man in the passage to another man in a blue coat, who is +a disguised messenger from the office. + +The man on the first landing precedes him to the drawing-room door. 'Mr. +Tupple!' shouts the messenger. 'How _are_ you, Tupple?' says the master +of the house, advancing from the fire, before which he has been talking +politics and airing himself. 'My dear, this is Mr. Tupple (a courteous +salute from the lady of the house); Tupple, my eldest daughter; Julia, my +dear, Mr. Tupple; Tupple, my other daughters; my son, sir;' Tupple rubs +his hands very hard, and smiles as if it were all capital fun, and keeps +constantly bowing and turning himself round, till the whole family have +been introduced, when he glides into a chair at the corner of the sofa, +and opens a miscellaneous conversation with the young ladies upon the +weather, and the theatres, and the old year, and the last new murder, and +the balloon, and the ladies' sleeves, and the festivities of the season, +and a great many other topics of small talk. + +More double knocks! what an extensive party! what an incessant hum of +conversation and general sipping of coffee! We see Tupple now, in our +mind's eye, in the height of his glory. He has just handed that stout +old lady's cup to the servant; and now, he dives among the crowd of young +men by the door, to intercept the other servant, and secure the +muffin-plate for the old lady's daughter, before he leaves the room; and +now, as he passes the sofa on his way back, he bestows a glance of +recognition and patronage upon the young ladies as condescending and +familiar as if he had known them from infancy. + +Charming person Mr. Tupple--perfect ladies' man--such a delightful +companion, too! Laugh!--nobody ever understood papa's jokes half so well +as Mr. Tupple, who laughs himself into convulsions at every fresh burst +of facetiousness. Most delightful partner! talks through the whole set! +and although he does seem at first rather gay and frivolous, so romantic +and with so _much_ feeling! Quite a love. No great favourite with the +young men, certainly, who sneer at, and affect to despise him; but +everybody knows that's only envy, and they needn't give themselves the +trouble to depreciate his merits at any rate, for Ma says he shall be +asked to every future dinner-party, if it's only to talk to people +between the courses, and distract their attention when there's any +unexpected delay in the kitchen. + +At supper, Mr. Tupple shows to still greater advantage than he has done +throughout the evening, and when Pa requests every one to fill their +glasses for the purpose of drinking happiness throughout the year, Mr. +Tupple is _so_ droll: insisting on all the young ladies having their +glasses filled, notwithstanding their repeated assurances that they never +can, by any possibility, think of emptying them and subsequently begging +permission to say a few words on the sentiment which has just been +uttered by Pa--when he makes one of the most brilliant and poetical +speeches that can possibly be imagined, about the old year and the new +one. After the toast has been drunk, and when the ladies have retired, +Mr. Tupple requests that every gentleman will do him the favour of +filling his glass, for he has a toast to propose: on which all the +gentlemen cry 'Hear! hear!' and pass the decanters accordingly: and Mr. +Tupple being informed by the master of the house that they are all +charged, and waiting for his toast, rises, and begs to remind the +gentlemen present, how much they have been delighted by the dazzling +array of elegance and beauty which the drawing-room has exhibited that +night, and how their senses have been charmed, and their hearts +captivated, by the bewitching concentration of female loveliness which +that very room has so recently displayed. (Loud cries of 'Hear!') Much +as he (Tupple) would be disposed to deplore the absence of the ladies, on +other grounds, he cannot but derive some consolation from the reflection +that the very circumstance of their not being present, enables him to +propose a toast, which he would have otherwise been prevented from +giving--that toast he begs to say is--'The Ladies!' (Great applause.) +The Ladies! among whom the fascinating daughters of their excellent host, +are alike conspicuous for their beauty, their accomplishments, and their +elegance. He begs them to drain a bumper to 'The Ladies, and a happy new +year to them!' (Prolonged approbation; above which the noise of the +ladies dancing the Spanish dance among themselves, overhead, is +distinctly audible.) + +The applause consequent on this toast, has scarcely subsided, when a +young gentleman in a pink under-waistcoat, sitting towards the bottom of +the table, is observed to grow very restless and fidgety, and to evince +strong indications of some latent desire to give vent to his feelings in +a speech, which the wary Tupple at once perceiving, determines to +forestall by speaking himself. He, therefore, rises again, with an air +of solemn importance, and trusts he may be permitted to propose another +toast (unqualified approbation, and Mr. Tupple proceeds). He is sure +they must all be deeply impressed with the hospitality--he may say the +splendour--with which they have been that night received by their worthy +host and hostess. (Unbounded applause.) Although this is the first +occasion on which he has had the pleasure and delight of sitting at that +board, he has known his friend Dobble long and intimately; he has been +connected with him in business--he wishes everybody present knew Dobble +as well as he does. (A cough from the host.) He (Tupple) can lay his +hand upon his (Tupple's) heart, and declare his confident belief that a +better man, a better husband, a better father, a better brother, a better +son, a better relation in any relation of life, than Dobble, never +existed. (Loud cries of 'Hear!') They have seen him to-night in the +peaceful bosom of his family; they should see him in the morning, in the +trying duties of his office. Calm in the perusal of the morning papers, +uncompromising in the signature of his name, dignified in his replies to +the inquiries of stranger applicants, deferential in his behaviour to his +superiors, majestic in his deportment to the messengers. (Cheers.) When +he bears this merited testimony to the excellent qualities of his friend +Dobble, what can he say in approaching such a subject as Mrs. Dobble? Is +it requisite for him to expatiate on the qualities of that amiable woman? +No; he will spare his friend Dobble's feelings; he will spare the +feelings of his friend--if he will allow him to have the honour of +calling him so--Mr. Dobble, junior. (Here Mr. Dobble, junior, who has +been previously distending his mouth to a considerable width, by +thrusting a particularly fine orange into that feature, suspends +operations, and assumes a proper appearance of intense melancholy). He +will simply say--and he is quite certain it is a sentiment in which all +who hear him will readily concur--that his friend Dobble is as superior +to any man he ever knew, as Mrs. Dobble is far beyond any woman he ever +saw (except her daughters); and he will conclude by proposing their +worthy 'Host and Hostess, and may they live to enjoy many more new +years!' + +The toast is drunk with acclamation; Dobble returns thanks, and the whole +party rejoin the ladies in the drawing-room. Young men who were too +bashful to dance before supper, find tongues and partners; the musicians +exhibit unequivocal symptoms of having drunk the new year in, while the +company were out; and dancing is kept up, until far in the first morning +of the new year. + +We have scarcely written the last word of the previous sentence, when the +first stroke of twelve, peals from the neighbouring churches. There +certainly--we must confess it now--is something awful in the sound. +Strictly speaking, it may not be more impressive now, than at any other +time; for the hours steal as swiftly on, at other periods, and their +flight is little heeded. But, we measure man's life by years, and it is +a solemn knell that warns us we have passed another of the landmarks +which stands between us and the grave. Disguise it as we may, the +reflection will force itself on our minds, that when the next bell +announces the arrival of a new year, we may be insensible alike of the +timely warning we have so often neglected, and of all the warm feelings +that glow within us now. + + + +CHAPTER IV--MISS EVANS AND THE EAGLE + + +Mr. Samuel Wilkins was a carpenter, a journeyman carpenter of small +dimensions, decidedly below the middle size--bordering, perhaps, upon the +dwarfish. His face was round and shining, and his hair carefully twisted +into the outer corner of each eye, till it formed a variety of that +description of semi-curls, usually known as 'aggerawators.' His earnings +were all-sufficient for his wants, varying from eighteen shillings to one +pound five, weekly--his manner undeniable--his sabbath waistcoats +dazzling. No wonder that, with these qualifications, Samuel Wilkins +found favour in the eyes of the other sex: many women have been +captivated by far less substantial qualifications. But, Samuel was proof +against their blandishments, until at length his eyes rested on those of +a Being for whom, from that time forth, he felt fate had destined him. +He came, and conquered--proposed, and was accepted--loved, and was +beloved. Mr. Wilkins 'kept company' with Jemima Evans. + +Miss Evans (or Ivins, to adopt the pronunciation most in vogue with her +circle of acquaintance) had adopted in early life the useful pursuit of +shoe-binding, to which she had afterwards superadded the occupation of a +straw-bonnet maker. Herself, her maternal parent, and two sisters, +formed an harmonious quartett in the most secluded portion of +Camden-town; and here it was that Mr. Wilkins presented himself, one +Monday afternoon, in his best attire, with his face more shining and his +waistcoat more bright than either had ever appeared before. The family +were just going to tea, and were _so_ glad to see him. It was quite a +little feast; two ounces of seven-and-sixpenny green, and a quarter of a +pound of the best fresh; and Mr. Wilkins had brought a pint of shrimps, +neatly folded up in a clean belcher, to give a zest to the meal, and +propitiate Mrs. Ivins. Jemima was 'cleaning herself' up-stairs; so Mr. +Samuel Wilkins sat down and talked domestic economy with Mrs. Ivins, +whilst the two youngest Miss Ivinses poked bits of lighted brown paper +between the bars under the kettle, to make the water boil for tea. + +'I wos a thinking,' said Mr. Samuel Wilkins, during a pause in the +conversation--'I wos a thinking of taking J'mima to the Eagle +to-night.'--'O my!' exclaimed Mrs. Ivins. 'Lor! how nice!' said the +youngest Miss Ivins. 'Well, I declare!' added the youngest Miss Ivins +but one. 'Tell J'mima to put on her white muslin, Tilly,' screamed Mrs. +Ivins, with motherly anxiety; and down came J'mima herself soon +afterwards in a white muslin gown carefully hooked and eyed, a little red +shawl, plentifully pinned, a white straw bonnet trimmed with red ribbons, +a small necklace, a large pair of bracelets, Denmark satin shoes, and +open-worked stockings; white cotton gloves on her fingers, and a cambric +pocket-handkerchief, carefully folded up, in her hand--all quite genteel +and ladylike. And away went Miss J'mima Ivins and Mr. Samuel Wilkins, +and a dress-cane, with a gilt knob at the top, to the admiration and envy +of the street in general, and to the high gratification of Mrs. Ivins, +and the two youngest Miss Ivinses in particular. They had no sooner +turned into the Pancras-road, than who should Miss J'mima Ivins stumble +upon, by the most fortunate accident in the world, but a young lady as +she knew, with _her_ young man!--And it is so strange how things do turn +out sometimes--they were actually going to the Eagle too. So Mr. Samuel +Wilkins was introduced to Miss J'mima Ivins's friend's young man, and +they all walked on together, talking, and laughing, and joking away like +anything; and when they got as far as Pentonville, Miss Ivins's friend's +young man _would_ have the ladies go into the Crown, to taste some shrub, +which, after a great blushing and giggling, and hiding of faces in +elaborate pocket-handkerchiefs, they consented to do. Having tasted it +once, they were easily prevailed upon to taste it again; and they sat out +in the garden tasting shrub, and looking at the Busses alternately, till +it was just the proper time to go to the Eagle; and then they resumed +their journey, and walked very fast, for fear they should lose the +beginning of the concert in the Rotunda. + +'How ev'nly!' said Miss J'mima Ivins, and Miss J'mima Ivins's friend, +both at once, when they had passed the gate and were fairly inside the +gardens. There were the walks, beautifully gravelled and planted--and +the refreshment-boxes, painted and ornamented like so many +snuff-boxes--and the variegated lamps shedding their rich light upon the +company's heads--and the place for dancing ready chalked for the +company's feet--and a Moorish band playing at one end of the gardens--and +an opposition military band playing away at the other. Then, the waiters +were rushing to and fro with glasses of negus, and glasses of +brandy-and-water, and bottles of ale, and bottles of stout; and +ginger-beer was going off in one place, and practical jokes were going on +in another; and people were crowding to the door of the Rotunda; and in +short the whole scene was, as Miss J'mima Ivins, inspired by the novelty, +or the shrub, or both, observed--'one of dazzling excitement.' As to the +concert-room, never was anything half so splendid. There was an +orchestra for the singers, all paint, gilding, and plate-glass; and such +an organ! Miss J'mima Ivins's friend's young man whispered it had cost +'four hundred pound,' which Mr. Samuel Wilkins said was 'not dear +neither;' an opinion in which the ladies perfectly coincided. The +audience were seated on elevated benches round the room, and crowded into +every part of it; and everybody was eating and drinking as comfortably as +possible. Just before the concert commenced, Mr. Samuel Wilkins ordered +two glasses of rum-and-water 'warm with--' and two slices of lemon, for +himself and the other young man, together with 'a pint o' sherry wine for +the ladies, and some sweet carraway-seed biscuits;' and they would have +been quite comfortable and happy, only a strange gentleman with large +whiskers _would_ stare at Miss J'mima Ivins, and another gentleman in a +plaid waistcoat _would_ wink at Miss J'mima Ivins's friend; on which Miss +Jemima Ivins's friend's young man exhibited symptoms of boiling over, and +began to mutter about 'people's imperence,' and 'swells out o' luck;' and +to intimate, in oblique terms, a vague intention of knocking somebody's +head off; which he was only prevented from announcing more emphatically, +by both Miss J'mima Ivins and her friend threatening to faint away on the +spot if he said another word. + +The concert commenced--overture on the organ. 'How solemn!' exclaimed +Miss J'mima Ivins, glancing, perhaps unconsciously, at the gentleman with +the whiskers. Mr. Samuel Wilkins, who had been muttering apart for some +time past, as if he were holding a confidential conversation with the +gilt knob of the dress-cane, breathed hard-breathing vengeance, +perhaps,--but said nothing. 'The soldier tired,' Miss Somebody in white +satin. 'Ancore!' cried Miss J'mima Ivins's friend. 'Ancore!' shouted +the gentleman in the plaid waistcoat immediately, hammering the table +with a stout-bottle. Miss J'mima Ivins's friend's young man eyed the man +behind the waistcoat from head to foot, and cast a look of interrogative +contempt towards Mr. Samuel Wilkins. Comic song, accompanied on the +organ. Miss J'mima Ivins was convulsed with laughter--so was the man +with the whiskers. Everything the ladies did, the plaid waistcoat and +whiskers did, by way of expressing unity of sentiment and congeniality of +soul; and Miss J'mima Ivins, and Miss J'mima Ivins's friend, grew lively +and talkative, as Mr. Samuel Wilkins, and Miss J'mima Ivins's friend's +young man, grew morose and surly in inverse proportion. + +Now, if the matter had ended here, the little party might soon have +recovered their former equanimity; but Mr. Samuel Wilkins and his friend +began to throw looks of defiance upon the waistcoat and whiskers. And +the waistcoat and whiskers, by way of intimating the slight degree in +which they were affected by the looks aforesaid, bestowed glances of +increased admiration upon Miss J'mima Ivins and friend. The concert and +vaudeville concluded, they promenaded the gardens. The waistcoat and +whiskers did the same; and made divers remarks complimentary to the +ankles of Miss J'mima Ivins and friend, in an audible tone. At length, +not satisfied with these numerous atrocities, they actually came up and +asked Miss J'mima Ivins, and Miss J'mima Ivins's friend, to dance, +without taking no more notice of Mr. Samuel Wilkins, and Miss J'mima +Ivins's friend's young man, than if they was nobody! + +'What do you mean by that, scoundrel!' exclaimed Mr. Samuel Wilkins, +grasping the gilt-knobbed dress-cane firmly in his right hand. 'What's +the matter with _you_, you little humbug?' replied the whiskers. 'How +dare you insult me and my friend?' inquired the friend's young man. 'You +and your friend be hanged!' responded the waistcoat. 'Take that,' +exclaimed Mr. Samuel Wilkins. The ferrule of the gilt-knobbed dress-cane +was visible for an instant, and then the light of the variegated lamps +shone brightly upon it as it whirled into the air, cane and all. 'Give +it him,' said the waistcoat. 'Horficer!' screamed the ladies. Miss +J'mima Ivins's beau, and the friend's young man, lay gasping on the +gravel, and the waistcoat and whiskers were seen no more. + +Miss J'mima Ivins and friend being conscious that the affray was in no +slight degree attributable to themselves, of course went into hysterics +forthwith; declared themselves the most injured of women; exclaimed, in +incoherent ravings, that they had been suspected--wrongfully +suspected--oh! that they should ever have lived to see the day--and so +forth; suffered a relapse every time they opened their eyes and saw their +unfortunate little admirers; and were carried to their respective abodes +in a hackney-coach, and a state of insensibility, compounded of shrub, +sherry, and excitement. + + + +CHAPTER V--THE PARLOUR ORATOR + + +We had been lounging one evening, down Oxford-street, Holborn, Cheapside, +Coleman-street, Finsbury-square, and so on, with the intention of +returning westward, by Pentonville and the New-road, when we began to +feel rather thirsty, and disposed to rest for five or ten minutes. So, +we turned back towards an old, quiet, decent public-house, which we +remembered to have passed but a moment before (it was not far from the +City-road), for the purpose of solacing ourself with a glass of ale. The +house was none of your stuccoed, French-polished, illuminated palaces, +but a modest public-house of the old school, with a little old bar, and a +little old landlord, who, with a wife and daughter of the same pattern, +was comfortably seated in the bar aforesaid--a snug little room with a +cheerful fire, protected by a large screen: from behind which the young +lady emerged on our representing our inclination for a glass of ale. + +'Won't you walk into the parlour, sir?' said the young lady, in seductive +tones. + +'You had better walk into the parlour, sir,' said the little old +landlord, throwing his chair back, and looking round one side of the +screen, to survey our appearance. + +'You had much better step into the parlour, sir,' said the little old +lady, popping out her head, on the other side of the screen. + +We cast a slight glance around, as if to express our ignorance of the +locality so much recommended. The little old landlord observed it; +bustled out of the small door of the small bar; and forthwith ushered us +into the parlour itself. + +It was an ancient, dark-looking room, with oaken wainscoting, a sanded +floor, and a high mantel-piece. The walls were ornamented with three or +four old coloured prints in black frames, each print representing a naval +engagement, with a couple of men-of-war banging away at each other most +vigorously, while another vessel or two were blowing up in the distance, +and the foreground presented a miscellaneous collection of broken masts +and blue legs sticking up out of the water. Depending from the ceiling +in the centre of the room, were a gas-light and bell-pull; on each side +were three or four long narrow tables, behind which was a thickly-planted +row of those slippery, shiny-looking wooden chairs, peculiar to +hostelries of this description. The monotonous appearance of the sanded +boards was relieved by an occasional spittoon; and a triangular pile of +those useful articles adorned the two upper corners of the apartment. + +At the furthest table, nearest the fire, with his face towards the door +at the bottom of the room, sat a stoutish man of about forty, whose +short, stiff, black hair curled closely round a broad high forehead, and +a face to which something besides water and exercise had communicated a +rather inflamed appearance. He was smoking a cigar, with his eyes fixed +on the ceiling, and had that confident oracular air which marked him as +the leading politician, general authority, and universal +anecdote-relater, of the place. He had evidently just delivered himself +of something very weighty; for the remainder of the company were puffing +at their respective pipes and cigars in a kind of solemn abstraction, as +if quite overwhelmed with the magnitude of the subject recently under +discussion. + +On his right hand sat an elderly gentleman with a white head, and +broad-brimmed brown hat; on his left, a sharp-nosed, light-haired man in +a brown surtout reaching nearly to his heels, who took a whiff at his +pipe, and an admiring glance at the red-faced man, alternately. + +'Very extraordinary!' said the light-haired man after a pause of five +minutes. A murmur of assent ran through the company. + +'Not at all extraordinary--not at all,' said the red-faced man, awakening +suddenly from his reverie, and turning upon the light-haired man, the +moment he had spoken. + +'Why should it be extraordinary?--why is it extraordinary?--prove it to +be extraordinary!' + +'Oh, if you come to that--' said the light-haired man, meekly. + +'Come to that!' ejaculated the man with the red face; 'but we _must_ come +to that. We stand, in these times, upon a calm elevation of intellectual +attainment, and not in the dark recess of mental deprivation. Proof, is +what I require--proof, and not assertions, in these stirring times. +Every gen'lem'n that knows me, knows what was the nature and effect of my +observations, when it was in the contemplation of the Old-street Suburban +Representative Discovery Society, to recommend a candidate for that place +in Cornwall there--I forget the name of it. "Mr. Snobee," said Mr. +Wilson, "is a fit and proper person to represent the borough in +Parliament." "Prove it," says I. "He is a friend to Reform," says Mr. +Wilson. "Prove it," says I. "The abolitionist of the national debt, the +unflinching opponent of pensions, the uncompromising advocate of the +negro, the reducer of sinecures and the duration of Parliaments; the +extender of nothing but the suffrages of the people," says Mr. Wilson. +"Prove it," says I. "His acts prove it," says he. "Prove _them_," says +I. + +'And he could not prove them,' said the red-faced man, looking round +triumphantly; 'and the borough didn't have him; and if you carried this +principle to the full extent, you'd have no debt, no pensions, no +sinecures, no negroes, no nothing. And then, standing upon an elevation +of intellectual attainment, and having reached the summit of popular +prosperity, you might bid defiance to the nations of the earth, and erect +yourselves in the proud confidence of wisdom and superiority. This is my +argument--this always has been my argument--and if I was a Member of the +House of Commons to-morrow, I'd make 'em shake in their shoes with it. +And the red-faced man, having struck the table very hard with his +clenched fist, to add weight to the declaration, smoked away like a +brewery. + +'Well!' said the sharp-nosed man, in a very slow and soft voice, +addressing the company in general, 'I always do say, that of all the +gentlemen I have the pleasure of meeting in this room, there is not one +whose conversation I like to hear so much as Mr. Rogers's, or who is such +improving company.' + +'Improving company!' said Mr. Rogers, for that, it seemed, was the name +of the red-faced man. 'You may say I am improving company, for I've +improved you all to some purpose; though as to my conversation being as +my friend Mr. Ellis here describes it, that is not for me to say anything +about. You, gentlemen, are the best judges on that point; but this I +will say, when I came into this parish, and first used this room, ten +years ago, I don't believe there was one man in it, who knew he was a +slave--and now you all know it, and writhe under it. Inscribe that upon +my tomb, and I am satisfied.' + +'Why, as to inscribing it on your tomb,' said a little greengrocer with a +chubby face, 'of course you can have anything chalked up, as you likes to +pay for, so far as it relates to yourself and your affairs; but, when you +come to talk about slaves, and that there abuse, you'd better keep it in +the family, 'cos I for one don't like to be called them names, night +after night.' + +'You _are_ a slave,' said the red-faced man, 'and the most pitiable of +all slaves.' + +'Werry hard if I am,' interrupted the greengrocer, 'for I got no good out +of the twenty million that was paid for 'mancipation, anyhow.' + +'A willing slave,' ejaculated the red-faced man, getting more red with +eloquence, and contradiction--'resigning the dearest birthright of your +children--neglecting the sacred call of Liberty--who, standing +imploringly before you, appeals to the warmest feelings of your heart, +and points to your helpless infants, but in vain.' + +'Prove it,' said the greengrocer. + +'Prove it!' sneered the man with the red face. 'What! bending beneath +the yoke of an insolent and factious oligarchy; bowed down by the +domination of cruel laws; groaning beneath tyranny and oppression on +every hand, at every side, and in every corner. Prove it!--' The +red-faced man abruptly broke off, sneered melo-dramatically, and buried +his countenance and his indignation together, in a quart pot. + +'Ah, to be sure, Mr. Rogers,' said a stout broker in a large waistcoat, +who had kept his eyes fixed on this luminary all the time he was +speaking. 'Ah, to be sure,' said the broker with a sigh, 'that's the +point.' + +'Of course, of course,' said divers members of the company, who +understood almost as much about the matter as the broker himself. + +'You had better let him alone, Tommy,' said the broker, by way of advice +to the little greengrocer; 'he can tell what's o'clock by an eight-day, +without looking at the minute hand, he can. Try it on, on some other +suit; it won't do with him, Tommy.' + +'What is a man?' continued the red-faced specimen of the species, jerking +his hat indignantly from its peg on the wall. 'What is an Englishman? +Is he to be trampled upon by every oppressor? Is he to be knocked down +at everybody's bidding? What's freedom? Not a standing army. What's a +standing army? Not freedom. What's general happiness? Not universal +misery. Liberty ain't the window-tax, is it? The Lords ain't the +Commons, are they?' And the red-faced man, gradually bursting into a +radiating sentence, in which such adjectives as 'dastardly,' +'oppressive,' 'violent,' and 'sanguinary,' formed the most conspicuous +words, knocked his hat indignantly over his eyes, left the room, and +slammed the door after him. + +'Wonderful man!' said he of the sharp nose. + +'Splendid speaker!' added the broker. + +'Great power!' said everybody but the greengrocer. And as they said it, +the whole party shook their heads mysteriously, and one by one retired, +leaving us alone in the old parlour. + +If we had followed the established precedent in all such instances, we +should have fallen into a fit of musing, without delay. The ancient +appearance of the room--the old panelling of the wall--the chimney +blackened with smoke and age--would have carried us back a hundred years +at least, and we should have gone dreaming on, until the pewter-pot on +the table, or the little beer-chiller on the fire, had started into life, +and addressed to us a long story of days gone by. But, by some means or +other, we were not in a romantic humour; and although we tried very hard +to invest the furniture with vitality, it remained perfectly unmoved, +obstinate, and sullen. Being thus reduced to the unpleasant necessity of +musing about ordinary matters, our thoughts reverted to the red-faced +man, and his oratorical display. + +A numerous race are these red-faced men; there is not a parlour, or +club-room, or benefit society, or humble party of any kind, without its +red-faced man. Weak-pated dolts they are, and a great deal of mischief +they do to their cause, however good. So, just to hold a pattern one up, +to know the others by, we took his likeness at once, and put him in here. +And that is the reason why we have written this paper. + + + +CHAPTER VI--THE HOSPITAL PATIENT + + +In our rambles through the streets of London after evening has set in, we +often pause beneath the windows of some public hospital, and picture to +ourself the gloomy and mournful scenes that are passing within. The +sudden moving of a taper as its feeble ray shoots from window to window, +until its light gradually disappears, as if it were carried farther back +into the room to the bedside of some suffering patient, is enough to +awaken a whole crowd of reflections; the mere glimmering of the +low-burning lamps, which, when all other habitations are wrapped in +darkness and slumber, denote the chamber where so many forms are writhing +with pain, or wasting with disease, is sufficient to check the most +boisterous merriment. + +Who can tell the anguish of those weary hours, when the only sound the +sick man hears, is the disjointed wanderings of some feverish slumberer +near him, the low moan of pain, or perhaps the muttered, long-forgotten +prayer of a dying man? Who, but they who have felt it, can imagine the +sense of loneliness and desolation which must be the portion of those who +in the hour of dangerous illness are left to be tended by strangers; for +what hands, be they ever so gentle, can wipe the clammy brow, or smooth +the restless bed, like those of mother, wife, or child? + +Impressed with these thoughts, we have turned away, through the +nearly-deserted streets; and the sight of the few miserable creatures +still hovering about them, has not tended to lessen the pain which such +meditations awaken. The hospital is a refuge and resting-place for +hundreds, who but for such institutions must die in the streets and +doorways; but what can be the feelings of some outcasts when they are +stretched on the bed of sickness with scarcely a hope of recovery? The +wretched woman who lingers about the pavement, hours after midnight, and +the miserable shadow of a man--the ghastly remnant that want and +drunkenness have left--which crouches beneath a window-ledge, to sleep +where there is some shelter from the rain, have little to bind them to +life, but what have they to look back upon, in death? What are the +unwonted comforts of a roof and a bed, to them, when the recollections of +a whole life of debasement stalk before them; when repentance seems a +mockery, and sorrow comes too late? + +About a twelvemonth ago, as we were strolling through Covent-garden (we +had been thinking about these things over-night), we were attracted by +the very prepossessing appearance of a pickpocket, who having declined to +take the trouble of walking to the Police-office, on the ground that he +hadn't the slightest wish to go there at all, was being conveyed thither +in a wheelbarrow, to the huge delight of a crowd. + +Somehow, we never can resist joining a crowd, so we turned back with the +mob, and entered the office, in company with our friend the pickpocket, a +couple of policemen, and as many dirty-faced spectators as could squeeze +their way in. + +There was a powerful, ill-looking young fellow at the bar, who was +undergoing an examination, on the very common charge of having, on the +previous night, ill-treated a woman, with whom he lived in some court +hard by. Several witnesses bore testimony to acts of the grossest +brutality; and a certificate was read from the house-surgeon of a +neighbouring hospital, describing the nature of the injuries the woman +had received, and intimating that her recovery was extremely doubtful. + +Some question appeared to have been raised about the identity of the +prisoner; for when it was agreed that the two magistrates should visit +the hospital at eight o'clock that evening, to take her deposition, it +was settled that the man should be taken there also. He turned pale at +this, and we saw him clench the bar very hard when the order was given. +He was removed directly afterwards, and he spoke not a word. + +We felt an irrepressible curiosity to witness this interview, although it +is hard to tell why, at this instant, for we knew it must be a painful +one. It was no very difficult matter for us to gain permission, and we +obtained it. + +The prisoner, and the officer who had him in custody, were already at the +hospital when we reached it, and waiting the arrival of the magistrates +in a small room below stairs. The man was handcuffed, and his hat was +pulled forward over his eyes. It was easy to see, though, by the +whiteness of his countenance, and the constant twitching of the muscles +of his face, that he dreaded what was to come. After a short interval, +the magistrates and clerk were bowed in by the house-surgeon and a couple +of young men who smelt very strong of tobacco-smoke--they were introduced +as 'dressers'--and after one magistrate had complained bitterly of the +cold, and the other of the absence of any news in the evening paper, it +was announced that the patient was prepared; and we were conducted to the +'casualty ward' in which she was lying. + +The dim light which burnt in the spacious room, increased rather than +diminished the ghastly appearance of the hapless creatures in the beds, +which were ranged in two long rows on either side. In one bed, lay a +child enveloped in bandages, with its body half-consumed by fire; in +another, a female, rendered hideous by some dreadful accident, was wildly +beating her clenched fists on the coverlet, in pain; on a third, there +lay stretched a young girl, apparently in the heavy stupor often the +immediate precursor of death: her face was stained with blood, and her +breast and arms were bound up in folds of linen. Two or three of the +beds were empty, and their recent occupants were sitting beside them, but +with faces so wan, and eyes so bright and glassy, that it was fearful to +meet their gaze. On every face was stamped the expression of anguish and +suffering. + +The object of the visit was lying at the upper end of the room. She was +a fine young woman of about two or three and twenty. Her long black +hair, which had been hastily cut from near the wounds on her head, +streamed over the pillow in jagged and matted locks. Her face bore deep +marks of the ill-usage she had received: her hand was pressed upon her +side, as if her chief pain were there; her breathing was short and heavy; +and it was plain to see that she was dying fast. She murmured a few +words in reply to the magistrate's inquiry whether she was in great pain; +and, having been raised on the pillow by the nurse, looked vacantly upon +the strange countenances that surrounded her bed. The magistrate nodded +to the officer, to bring the man forward. He did so, and stationed him +at the bedside. The girl looked on with a wild and troubled expression +of face; but her sight was dim, and she did not know him. + +'Take off his hat,' said the magistrate. The officer did as he was +desired, and the man's features were disclosed. + +The girl started up, with an energy quite preternatural; the fire gleamed +in her heavy eyes, and the blood rushed to her pale and sunken cheeks. +It was a convulsive effort. She fell back upon her pillow, and covering +her scarred and bruised face with her hands, burst into tears. The man +cast an anxious look towards her, but otherwise appeared wholly unmoved. +After a brief pause the nature of the errand was explained, and the oath +tendered. + +'Oh, no, gentlemen,' said the girl, raising herself once more, and +folding her hands together; 'no, gentlemen, for God's sake! I did it +myself--it was nobody's fault--it was an accident. He didn't hurt me; he +wouldn't for all the world. Jack, dear Jack, you know you wouldn't!' + +Her sight was fast failing her, and her hand groped over the bedclothes +in search of his. Brute as the man was, he was not prepared for this. +He turned his face from the bed, and sobbed. The girl's colour changed, +and her breathing grew more difficult. She was evidently dying. + +'We respect the feelings which prompt you to this,' said the gentleman +who had spoken first, 'but let me warn you, not to persist in what you +know to be untrue, until it is too late. It cannot save him.' + +'Jack,' murmured the girl, laying her hand upon his arm, 'they shall not +persuade me to swear your life away. He didn't do it, gentlemen. He +never hurt me.' She grasped his arm tightly, and added, in a broken +whisper, 'I hope God Almighty will forgive me all the wrong I have done, +and the life I have led. God bless you, Jack. Some kind gentleman take +my love to my poor old father. Five years ago, he said he wished I had +died a child. Oh, I wish I had! I wish I had!' + +The nurse bent over the girl for a few seconds, and then drew the sheet +over her face. It covered a corpse. + + + +CHAPTER VII--THE MISPLACED ATTACHMENT OF MR. JOHN DOUNCE + + +If we had to make a classification of society, there is a particular kind +of men whom we should immediately set down under the head of 'Old Boys;' +and a column of most extensive dimensions the old boys would require. To +what precise causes the rapid advance of old-boy population is to be +traced, we are unable to determine. It would be an interesting and +curious speculation, but, as we have not sufficient space to devote to it +here, we simply state the fact that the numbers of the old boys have been +gradually augmenting within the last few years, and that they are at this +moment alarmingly on the increase. + +Upon a general review of the subject, and without considering it minutely +in detail, we should be disposed to subdivide the old boys into two +distinct classes--the gay old boys, and the steady old boys. The gay old +boys, are paunchy old men in the disguise of young ones, who frequent the +Quadrant and Regent-street in the day-time: the theatres (especially +theatres under lady management) at night; and who assume all the +foppishness and levity of boys, without the excuse of youth or +inexperience. The steady old boys are certain stout old gentlemen of +clean appearance, who are always to be seen in the same taverns, at the +same hours every evening, smoking and drinking in the same company. + +There was once a fine collection of old boys to be seen round the +circular table at Offley's every night, between the hours of half-past +eight and half-past eleven. We have lost sight of them for some time. +There were, and may be still, for aught we know, two splendid specimens +in full blossom at the Rainbow Tavern in Fleet-street, who always used to +sit in the box nearest the fireplace, and smoked long cherry-stick pipes +which went under the table, with the bowls resting on the floor. Grand +old boys they were--fat, red-faced, white-headed old fellows--always +there--one on one side the table, and the other opposite--puffing and +drinking away in great state. Everybody knew them, and it was supposed +by some people that they were both immortal. + +Mr. John Dounce was an old boy of the latter class (we don't mean +immortal, but steady), a retired glove and braces maker, a widower, +resident with three daughters--all grown up, and all unmarried--in +Cursitor-street, Chancery-lane. He was a short, round, large-faced, +tubbish sort of man, with a broad-brimmed hat, and a square coat; and had +that grave, but confident, kind of roll, peculiar to old boys in general. +Regular as clockwork--breakfast at nine--dress and tittivate a +little--down to the Sir Somebody's Head--a glass of ale and the +paper--come back again, and take daughters out for a walk--dinner at +three--glass of grog and pipe--nap--tea--little walk--Sir Somebody's Head +again--capital house--delightful evenings. There were Mr. Harris, the +law-stationer, and Mr. Jennings, the robe-maker (two jolly young fellows +like himself), and Jones, the barrister's clerk--rum fellow that +Jones--capital company--full of anecdote!--and there they sat every night +till just ten minutes before twelve, drinking their brandy-and-water, and +smoking their pipes, and telling stories, and enjoying themselves with a +kind of solemn joviality particularly edifying. + +Sometimes Jones would propose a half-price visit to Drury Lane or Covent +Garden, to see two acts of a five-act play, and a new farce, perhaps, or +a ballet, on which occasions the whole four of them went together: none +of your hurrying and nonsense, but having their brandy-and-water first, +comfortably, and ordering a steak and some oysters for their supper +against they came back, and then walking coolly into the pit, when the +'rush' had gone in, as all sensible people do, and did when Mr. Dounce +was a young man, except when the celebrated Master Betty was at the +height of his popularity, and then, sir,--then--Mr. Dounce perfectly well +remembered getting a holiday from business; and going to the pit doors at +eleven o'clock in the forenoon, and waiting there, till six in the +afternoon, with some sandwiches in a pocket-handkerchief and some wine in +a phial; and fainting after all, with the heat and fatigue, before the +play began; in which situation he was lifted out of the pit, into one of +the dress boxes, sir, by five of the finest women of that day, sir, who +compassionated his situation and administered restoratives, and sent a +black servant, six foot high, in blue and silver livery, next morning +with their compliments, and to know how he found himself, sir--by G-! +Between the acts Mr. Dounce and Mr. Harris, and Mr. Jennings, used to +stand up, and look round the house, and Jones--knowing fellow that +Jones--knew everybody--pointed out the fashionable and celebrated Lady +So-and-So in the boxes, at the mention of whose name Mr. Dounce, after +brushing up his hair, and adjusting his neckerchief, would inspect the +aforesaid Lady So-and-So through an immense glass, and remark, either, +that she was a 'fine woman--very fine woman, indeed,' or that 'there +might be a little more of her, eh, Jones?' Just as the case might happen +to be. When the dancing began, John Dounce and the other old boys were +particularly anxious to see what was going forward on the stage, and +Jones--wicked dog that Jones--whispered little critical remarks into the +ears of John Dounce, which John Dounce retailed to Mr. Harris and Mr. +Harris to Mr. Jennings; and then they all four laughed, until the tears +ran down out of their eyes. + +When the curtain fell, they walked back together, two and two, to the +steaks and oysters; and when they came to the second glass of +brandy-and-water, Jones--hoaxing scamp, that Jones--used to recount how +he had observed a lady in white feathers, in one of the pit boxes, gazing +intently on Mr. Dounce all the evening, and how he had caught Mr. Dounce, +whenever he thought no one was looking at him, bestowing ardent looks of +intense devotion on the lady in return; on which Mr. Harris and Mr. +Jennings used to laugh very heartily, and John Dounce more heartily than +either of them, acknowledging, however, that the time _had_ been when he +_might_ have done such things; upon which Mr. Jones used to poke him in +the ribs, and tell him he had been a sad dog in his time, which John +Dounce with chuckles confessed. And after Mr. Harris and Mr. Jennings +had preferred their claims to the character of having been sad dogs too, +they separated harmoniously, and trotted home. + +The decrees of Fate, and the means by which they are brought about, are +mysterious and inscrutable. John Dounce had led this life for twenty +years and upwards, without wish for change, or care for variety, when his +whole social system was suddenly upset and turned completely +topsy-turvy--not by an earthquake, or some other dreadful convulsion of +nature, as the reader would be inclined to suppose, but by the simple +agency of an oyster; and thus it happened. + +Mr. John Dounce was returning one night from the Sir Somebody's Head, to +his residence in Cursitor-street--not tipsy, but rather excited, for it +was Mr. Jennings's birthday, and they had had a brace of partridges for +supper, and a brace of extra glasses afterwards, and Jones had been more +than ordinarily amusing--when his eyes rested on a newly-opened +oyster-shop, on a magnificent scale, with natives laid, one deep, in +circular marble basins in the windows, together with little round barrels +of oysters directed to Lords and Baronets, and Colonels and Captains, in +every part of the habitable globe. + +Behind the natives were the barrels, and behind the barrels was a young +lady of about five-and-twenty, all in blue, and all alone--splendid +creature, charming face and lovely figure! It is difficult to say +whether Mr. John Dounce's red countenance, illuminated as it was by the +flickering gas-light in the window before which he paused, excited the +lady's risibility, or whether a natural exuberance of animal spirits +proved too much for that staidness of demeanour which the forms of +society rather dictatorially prescribe. But certain it is, that the lady +smiled; then put her finger upon her lip, with a striking recollection of +what was due to herself; and finally retired, in oyster-like bashfulness, +to the very back of the counter. The sad-dog sort of feeling came +strongly upon John Dounce: he lingered--the lady in blue made no sign. +He coughed--still she came not. He entered the shop. + +'Can you open me an oyster, my dear?' said Mr. John Dounce. + +'Dare say I can, sir,' replied the lady in blue, with playfulness. And +Mr. John Dounce eat one oyster, and then looked at the young lady, and +then eat another, and then squeezed the young lady's hand as she was +opening the third, and so forth, until he had devoured a dozen of those +at eightpence in less than no time. + +'Can you open me half-a-dozen more, my dear?' inquired Mr. John Dounce. + +'I'll see what I can do for you, sir,' replied the young lady in blue, +even more bewitchingly than before; and Mr. John Dounce eat half-a-dozen +more of those at eightpence. + +'You couldn't manage to get me a glass of brandy-and-water, my dear, I +suppose?' said Mr. John Dounce, when he had finished the oysters: in a +tone which clearly implied his supposition that she could. + +'I'll see, sir,' said the young lady: and away she ran out of the shop, +and down the street, her long auburn ringlets shaking in the wind in the +most enchanting manner; and back she came again, tripping over the +coal-cellar lids like a whipping-top, with a tumbler of brandy-and-water, +which Mr. John Dounce insisted on her taking a share of, as it was +regular ladies' grog--hot, strong, sweet, and plenty of it. + +So, the young lady sat down with Mr. John Dounce, in a little red box +with a green curtain, and took a small sip of the brandy-and-water, and a +small look at Mr. John Dounce, and then turned her head away, and went +through various other serio-pantomimic fascinations, which forcibly +reminded Mr. John Dounce of the first time he courted his first wife, and +which made him feel more affectionate than ever; in pursuance of which +affection, and actuated by which feeling, Mr. John Dounce sounded the +young lady on her matrimonial engagements, when the young lady denied +having formed any such engagements at all--she couldn't abear the men, +they were such deceivers; thereupon Mr. John Dounce inquired whether this +sweeping condemnation was meant to include other than very young men; on +which the young lady blushed deeply--at least she turned away her head, +and said Mr. John Dounce had made her blush, so of course she _did_ +blush--and Mr. John Dounce was a long time drinking the brandy-and-water; +and, at last, John Dounce went home to bed, and dreamed of his first +wife, and his second wife, and the young lady, and partridges, and +oysters, and brandy-and-water, and disinterested attachments. + +The next morning, John Dounce was rather feverish with the extra +brandy-and-water of the previous night; and, partly in the hope of +cooling himself with an oyster, and partly with the view of ascertaining +whether he owed the young lady anything, or not, went back to the +oyster-shop. If the young lady had appeared beautiful by night, she was +perfectly irresistible by day; and, from this time forward, a change came +over the spirit of John Dounce's dream. He bought shirt-pins; wore a +ring on his third finger; read poetry; bribed a cheap miniature-painter +to perpetrate a faint resemblance to a youthful face, with a curtain over +his head, six large books in the background, and an open country in the +distance (this he called his portrait); 'went on' altogether in such an +uproarious manner, that the three Miss Dounces went off on small +pensions, he having made the tenement in Cursitor-street too warm to +contain them; and in short, comported and demeaned himself in every +respect like an unmitigated old Saracen, as he was. + +As to his ancient friends, the other old boys, at the Sir Somebody's +Head, he dropped off from them by gradual degrees; for, even when he did +go there, Jones--vulgar fellow that Jones--persisted in asking 'when it +was to be?' and 'whether he was to have any gloves?' together with other +inquiries of an equally offensive nature: at which not only Harris +laughed, but Jennings also; so, he cut the two, altogether, and attached +himself solely to the blue young lady at the smart oyster-shop. + +Now comes the moral of the story--for it has a moral after all. The +last-mentioned young lady, having derived sufficient profit and emolument +from John Dounce's attachment, not only refused, when matters came to a +crisis, to take him for better for worse, but expressly declared, to use +her own forcible words, that she 'wouldn't have him at no price;' and +John Dounce, having lost his old friends, alienated his relations, and +rendered himself ridiculous to everybody, made offers successively to a +schoolmistress, a landlady, a feminine tobacconist, and a housekeeper; +and, being directly rejected by each and every of them, was accepted by +his cook, with whom he now lives, a henpecked husband, a melancholy +monument of antiquated misery, and a living warning to all uxorious old +boys. + + + +CHAPTER VIII--THE MISTAKEN MILLINER. A TALE OF AMBITION + + +Miss Amelia Martin was pale, tallish, thin, and two-and-thirty--what +ill-natured people would call plain, and police reports interesting. She +was a milliner and dressmaker, living on her business and not above it. +If you had been a young lady in service, and had wanted Miss Martin, as a +great many young ladies in service did, you would just have stepped up, +in the evening, to number forty-seven, Drummond-street, George-street, +Euston-square, and after casting your eye on a brass door-plate, one foot +ten by one and a half, ornamented with a great brass knob at each of the +four corners, and bearing the inscription 'Miss Martin; millinery and +dressmaking, in all its branches;' you'd just have knocked two loud +knocks at the street-door; and down would have come Miss Martin herself, +in a merino gown of the newest fashion, black velvet bracelets on the +genteelest principle, and other little elegancies of the most approved +description. + +If Miss Martin knew the young lady who called, or if the young lady who +called had been recommended by any other young lady whom Miss Martin +knew, Miss Martin would forthwith show her up-stairs into the two-pair +front, and chat she would--_so_ kind, and _so_ comfortable--it really +wasn't like a matter of business, she was so friendly; and, then Miss +Martin, after contemplating the figure and general appearance of the +young lady in service with great apparent admiration, would say how well +she would look, to be sure, in a low dress with short sleeves; made very +full in the skirts, with four tucks in the bottom; to which the young +lady in service would reply in terms expressive of her entire concurrence +in the notion, and of the virtuous indignation with which she reflected +on the tyranny of 'Missis,' who wouldn't allow a young girl to wear a +short sleeve of an arternoon--no, nor nothing smart, not even a pair of +ear-rings; let alone hiding people's heads of hair under them frightful +caps. At the termination of this complaint, Miss Amelia Martin would +distantly suggest certain dark suspicions that some people were jealous +on account of their own daughters, and were obliged to keep their +servants' charms under, for fear they should get married first, which was +no uncommon circumstance--leastways she had known two or three young +ladies in service, who had married a great deal better than their +missises, and _they_ were not very good-looking either; and then the +young lady would inform Miss Martin, in confidence, that how one of their +young ladies was engaged to a young man and was a-going to be married, +and Missis was so proud about it there was no bearing of her; but how she +needn't hold her head quite so high neither, for, after all, he was only +a clerk. And, after expressing due contempt for clerks in general, and +the engaged clerk in particular, and the highest opinion possible of +themselves and each other, Miss Martin and the young lady in service +would bid each other good night, in a friendly but perfectly genteel +manner: and the one went back to her 'place,' and the other, to her room +on the second-floor front. + +There is no saying how long Miss Amelia Martin might have continued this +course of life; how extensive a connection she might have established +among young ladies in service; or what amount her demands upon their +quarterly receipts might have ultimately attained, had not an unforeseen +train of circumstances directed her thoughts to a sphere of action very +different from dressmaking or millinery. + +A friend of Miss Martin's who had long been keeping company with an +ornamental painter and decorator's journeyman, at last consented (on +being at last asked to do so) to name the day which would make the +aforesaid journeyman a happy husband. It was a Monday that was appointed +for the celebration of the nuptials, and Miss Amelia Martin was invited, +among others, to honour the wedding-dinner with her presence. It was a +charming party; Somers-town the locality, and a front parlour the +apartment. The ornamental painter and decorator's journeyman had taken a +house--no lodgings nor vulgarity of that kind, but a house--four +beautiful rooms, and a delightful little washhouse at the end of the +passage--which was the most convenient thing in the world, for the +bridesmaids could sit in the front parlour and receive the company, and +then run into the little washhouse and see how the pudding and boiled +pork were getting on in the copper, and then pop back into the parlour +again, as snug and comfortable as possible. And such a parlour as it +was! Beautiful Kidderminster carpet--six bran-new cane-bottomed stained +chairs--three wine-glasses and a tumbler on each sideboard--farmer's girl +and farmer's boy on the mantelpiece: girl tumbling over a stile, and boy +spitting himself, on the handle of a pitchfork--long white dimity +curtains in the window--and, in short, everything on the most genteel +scale imaginable. + +Then, the dinner. There was baked leg of mutton at the top, boiled leg +of mutton at the bottom, pair of fowls and leg of pork in the middle; +porter-pots at the corners; pepper, mustard, and vinegar in the centre; +vegetables on the floor; and plum-pudding and apple-pie and tartlets +without number: to say nothing of cheese, and celery, and water-cresses, +and all that sort of thing. As to the Company! Miss Amelia Martin +herself declared, on a subsequent occasion, that, much as she had heard +of the ornamental painter's journeyman's connexion, she never could have +supposed it was half so genteel. There was his father, such a funny old +gentleman--and his mother, such a dear old lady--and his sister, such a +charming girl--and his brother, such a manly-looking young man--with such +a eye! But even all these were as nothing when compared with his musical +friends, Mr. and Mrs. Jennings Rodolph, from White Conduit, with whom the +ornamental painter's journeyman had been fortunate enough to contract an +intimacy while engaged in decorating the concert-room of that noble +institution. To hear them sing separately, was divine, but when they +went through the tragic duet of 'Red Ruffian, retire!' it was, as Miss +Martin afterwards remarked, 'thrilling.' And why (as Mr. Jennings +Rodolph observed) why were they not engaged at one of the patent +theatres? If he was to be told that their voices were not powerful +enough to fill the House, his only reply was, that he would back himself +for any amount to fill Russell-square--a statement in which the company, +after hearing the duet, expressed their full belief; so they all said it +was shameful treatment; and both Mr. and Mrs. Jennings Rodolph said it +was shameful too; and Mr. Jennings Rodolph looked very serious, and said +he knew who his malignant opponents were, but they had better take care +how far they went, for if they irritated him too much he had not quite +made up his mind whether he wouldn't bring the subject before Parliament; +and they all agreed that it ''ud serve 'em quite right, and it was very +proper that such people should be made an example of.' So Mr. Jennings +Rodolph said he'd think of it. + +When the conversation resumed its former tone, Mr. Jennings Rodolph +claimed his right to call upon a lady, and the right being conceded, +trusted Miss Martin would favour the company--a proposal which met with +unanimous approbation, whereupon Miss Martin, after sundry hesitatings +and coughings, with a preparatory choke or two, and an introductory +declaration that she was frightened to death to attempt it before such +great judges of the art, commenced a species of treble chirruping +containing frequent allusions to some young gentleman of the name of +Hen-e-ry, with an occasional reference to madness and broken hearts. Mr. +Jennings Rodolph frequently interrupted the progress of the song, by +ejaculating 'Beautiful!'--'Charming!'--'Brilliant!'--'Oh! splendid,' &c.; +and at its close the admiration of himself, and his lady, knew no bounds. + +'Did you ever hear so sweet a voice, my dear?' inquired Mr. Jennings +Rodolph of Mrs. Jennings Rodolph. + +'Never; indeed I never did, love,' replied Mrs. Jennings Rodolph. + +'Don't you think Miss Martin, with a little cultivation, would be very +like Signora Marra Boni, my dear?' asked Mr. Jennings Rodolph. + +'Just exactly the very thing that struck me, my love,' answered Mrs. +Jennings Rodolph. + +And thus the time passed away; Mr. Jennings Rodolph played tunes on a +walking-stick, and then went behind the parlour-door and gave his +celebrated imitations of actors, edge-tools, and animals; Miss Martin +sang several other songs with increased admiration every time; and even +the funny old gentleman began singing. His song had properly seven +verses, but as he couldn't recollect more than the first one, he sang +that over seven times, apparently very much to his own personal +gratification. And then all the company sang the national anthem with +national independence--each for himself, without reference to the +other--and finally separated: all declaring that they never had spent so +pleasant an evening: and Miss Martin inwardly resolving to adopt the +advice of Mr. Jennings Rodolph, and to 'come out' without delay. + +Now, 'coming out,' either in acting, or singing, or society, or +facetiousness, or anything else, is all very well, and remarkably +pleasant to the individual principally concerned, if he or she can but +manage to come out with a burst, and being out, to keep out, and not go +in again; but, it does unfortunately happen that both consummations are +extremely difficult to accomplish, and that the difficulties, of getting +out at all in the first instance, and if you surmount them, of keeping +out in the second, are pretty much on a par, and no slight ones +either--and so Miss Amelia Martin shortly discovered. It is a singular +fact (there being ladies in the case) that Miss Amelia Martin's principal +foible was vanity, and the leading characteristic of Mrs. Jennings +Rodolph an attachment to dress. Dismal wailings were heard to issue from +the second-floor front of number forty-seven, Drummond-street, +George-street, Euston-square; it was Miss Martin practising. +Half-suppressed murmurs disturbed the calm dignity of the White Conduit +orchestra at the commencement of the season. It was the appearance of +Mrs. Jennings Rodolph in full dress, that occasioned them. Miss Martin +studied incessantly--the practising was the consequence. Mrs. Jennings +Rodolph taught gratuitously now and then--the dresses were the result. + +Weeks passed away; the White Conduit season had begun, and progressed, +and was more than half over. The dressmaking business had fallen off, +from neglect; and its profits had dwindled away almost imperceptibly. A +benefit-night approached; Mr. Jennings Rodolph yielded to the earnest +solicitations of Miss Amelia Martin, and introduced her personally to the +'comic gentleman' whose benefit it was. The comic gentleman was all +smiles and blandness--he had composed a duet, expressly for the occasion, +and Miss Martin should sing it with him. The night arrived; there was an +immense room--ninety-seven sixpenn'orths of gin-and-water, thirty-two +small glasses of brandy-and-water, five-and-twenty bottled ales, and +forty-one neguses; and the ornamental painter's journeyman, with his wife +and a select circle of acquaintance, were seated at one of the +side-tables near the orchestra. The concert began. +Song--sentimental--by a light-haired young gentleman in a blue coat, and +bright basket buttons--[applause]. Another song, doubtful, by another +gentleman in another blue coat and more bright basket buttons--[increased +applause]. Duet, Mr. Jennings Rodolph, and Mrs. Jennings Rodolph, 'Red +Ruffian, retire!'--[great applause]. Solo, Miss Julia Montague +(positively on this occasion only)--'I am a Friar'--[enthusiasm]. +Original duet, comic--Mr. H. Taplin (the comic gentleman) and Miss +Martin--'The Time of Day.' 'Brayvo!--Brayvo!' cried the ornamental +painter's journeyman's party, as Miss Martin was gracefully led in by the +comic gentleman. 'Go to work, Harry,' cried the comic gentleman's +personal friends. 'Tap-tap-tap,' went the leader's bow on the +music-desk. The symphony began, and was soon afterwards followed by a +faint kind of ventriloquial chirping, proceeding apparently from the +deepest recesses of the interior of Miss Amelia Martin. 'Sing +out'--shouted one gentleman in a white great-coat. 'Don't be afraid to +put the steam on, old gal,' exclaimed another, 'S-s-s-s-s-s-s'-went the +five-and-twenty bottled ales. 'Shame, shame!' remonstrated the +ornamental painter's journeyman's party--'S-s-s-s' went the bottled ales +again, accompanied by all the gins, and a majority of the brandies. + +'Turn them geese out,' cried the ornamental painter's journeyman's party, +with great indignation. + +'Sing out,' whispered Mr. Jennings Rodolph. + +'So I do,' responded Miss Amelia Martin. + +'Sing louder,' said Mrs. Jennings Rodolph. + +'I can't,' replied Miss Amelia Martin. + +'Off, off, off,' cried the rest of the audience. + +'Bray-vo!' shouted the painter's party. It wouldn't do--Miss Amelia +Martin left the orchestra, with much less ceremony than she had entered +it; and, as she couldn't sing out, never came out. The general good +humour was not restored until Mr. Jennings Rodolph had become purple in +the face, by imitating divers quadrupeds for half an hour, without being +able to render himself audible; and, to this day, neither has Miss Amelia +Martin's good humour been restored, nor the dresses made for and +presented to Mrs. Jennings Rodolph, nor the local abilities which Mr. +Jennings Rodolph once staked his professional reputation that Miss Martin +possessed. + + + +CHAPTER IX--THE DANCING ACADEMY + + +Of all the dancing academies that ever were established, there never was +one more popular in its immediate vicinity than Signor Billsmethi's, of +the 'King's Theatre.' It was not in Spring-gardens, or Newman-street, or +Berners-street, or Gower-street, or Charlotte-street, or Percy-street, or +any other of the numerous streets which have been devoted time out of +mind to professional people, dispensaries, and boarding-houses; it was +not in the West-end at all--it rather approximated to the eastern portion +of London, being situated in the populous and improving neighbourhood of +Gray's-inn-lane. It was not a dear dancing academy--four-and-sixpence a +quarter is decidedly cheap upon the whole. It was _very_ select, the +number of pupils being strictly limited to seventy-five, and a quarter's +payment in advance being rigidly exacted. There was public tuition and +private tuition--an assembly-room and a parlour. Signor Billsmethi's +family were always thrown in with the parlour, and included in parlour +price; that is to say, a private pupil had Signor Billsmethi's parlour to +dance _in_, and Signor Billsmethi's family to dance _with_; and when he +had been sufficiently broken in in the parlour, he began to run in +couples in the assembly-room. + +Such was the dancing academy of Signor Billsmethi, when Mr. Augustus +Cooper, of Fetter-lane, first saw an unstamped advertisement walking +leisurely down Holborn-hill, announcing to the world that Signor +Billsmethi, of the King's Theatre, intended opening for the season with a +Grand Ball. + +Now, Mr. Augustus Cooper was in the oil and colour line--just of age, +with a little money, a little business, and a little mother, who, having +managed her husband and _his_ business in his lifetime, took to managing +her son and _his_ business after his decease; and so, somehow or other, +he had been cooped up in the little back parlour behind the shop on +week-days, and in a little deal box without a lid (called by courtesy a +pew) at Bethel Chapel, on Sundays, and had seen no more of the world than +if he had been an infant all his days; whereas Young White, at the +gas-fitter's over the way, three years younger than him, had been flaring +away like winkin'--going to the theatre--supping at harmonic +meetings--eating oysters by the barrel--drinking stout by the +gallon--even out all night, and coming home as cool in the morning as if +nothing had happened. So Mr. Augustus Cooper made up his mind that he +would not stand it any longer, and had that very morning expressed to his +mother a firm determination to be 'blowed,' in the event of his not being +instantly provided with a street-door key. And he was walking down +Holborn-hill, thinking about all these things, and wondering how he could +manage to get introduced into genteel society for the first time, when +his eyes rested on Signor Billsmethi's announcement, which it immediately +struck him was just the very thing he wanted; for he should not only be +able to select a genteel circle of acquaintance at once, out of the +five-and-seventy pupils at four-and-sixpence a quarter, but should +qualify himself at the same time to go through a hornpipe in private +society, with perfect ease to himself and great delight to his friends. +So, he stopped the unstamped advertisement--an animated sandwich, +composed of a boy between two boards--and having procured a very small +card with the Signor's address indented thereon, walked straight at once +to the Signor's house--and very fast he walked too, for fear the list +should be filled up, and the five-and-seventy completed, before he got +there. The Signor was at home, and, what was still more gratifying, he +was an Englishman! Such a nice man--and so polite! The list was not +full, but it was a most extraordinary circumstance that there was only +just one vacancy, and even that one would have been filled up, that very +morning, only Signor Billsmethi was dissatisfied with the reference, and, +being very much afraid that the lady wasn't select, wouldn't take her. + +'And very much delighted I am, Mr. Cooper,' said Signor Billsmethi, 'that +I did _not_ take her. I assure you, Mr. Cooper--I don't say it to +flatter you, for I know you're above it--that I consider myself extremely +fortunate in having a gentleman of your manners and appearance, sir.' + +'I am very glad of it too, sir,' said Augustus Cooper. + +'And I hope we shall be better acquainted, sir,' said Signor Billsmethi. + +'And I'm sure I hope we shall too, sir,' responded Augustus Cooper. Just +then, the door opened, and in came a young lady, with her hair curled in +a crop all over her head, and her shoes tied in sandals all over her +ankles. + +'Don't run away, my dear,' said Signor Billsmethi; for the young lady +didn't know Mr. Cooper was there when she ran in, and was going to run +out again in her modesty, all in confusion-like. 'Don't run away, my +dear,' said Signor Billsmethi, 'this is Mr. Cooper--Mr. Cooper, of +Fetter-lane. Mr. Cooper, my daughter, sir--Miss Billsmethi, sir, who I +hope will have the pleasure of dancing many a quadrille, minuet, gavotte, +country-dance, fandango, double-hornpipe, and farinagholkajingo with you, +sir. She dances them all, sir; and so shall you, sir, before you're a +quarter older, sir.' + +And Signor Bellsmethi slapped Mr. Augustus Cooper on the back, as if he +had known him a dozen years,--so friendly;--and Mr. Cooper bowed to the +young lady, and the young lady curtseyed to him, and Signor Billsmethi +said they were as handsome a pair as ever he'd wish to see; upon which +the young lady exclaimed, 'Lor, pa!' and blushed as red as Mr. Cooper +himself--you might have thought they were both standing under a red lamp +at a chemist's shop; and before Mr. Cooper went away it was settled that +he should join the family circle that very night--taking them just as +they were--no ceremony nor nonsense of that kind--and learn his positions +in order that he might lose no time, and be able to come out at the +forthcoming ball. + +Well; Mr. Augustus Cooper went away to one of the cheap shoemakers' shops +in Holborn, where gentlemen's dress-pumps are seven-and-sixpence, and +men's strong walking just nothing at all, and bought a pair of the +regular seven-and-sixpenny, long-quartered, town-mades, in which he +astonished himself quite as much as his mother, and sallied forth to +Signor Billsmethi's. There were four other private pupils in the +parlour: two ladies and two gentlemen. Such nice people! Not a bit of +pride about them. One of the ladies in particular, who was in training +for a Columbine, was remarkably affable; and she and Miss Billsmethi took +such an interest in Mr. Augustus Cooper, and joked, and smiled, and +looked so bewitching, that he got quite at home, and learnt his steps in +no time. After the practising was over, Signor Billsmethi, and Miss +Billsmethi, and Master Billsmethi, and a young lady, and the two ladies, +and the two gentlemen, danced a quadrille--none of your slipping and +sliding about, but regular warm work, flying into corners, and diving +among chairs, and shooting out at the door,--something like dancing! +Signor Billsmethi in particular, notwithstanding his having a little +fiddle to play all the time, was out on the landing every figure, and +Master Billsmethi, when everybody else was breathless, danced a hornpipe, +with a cane in his hand, and a cheese-plate on his head, to the +unqualified admiration of the whole company. Then, Signor Billsmethi +insisted, as they were so happy, that they should all stay to supper, and +proposed sending Master Billsmethi for the beer and spirits, whereupon +the two gentlemen swore, 'strike 'em wulgar if they'd stand that;' and +were just going to quarrel who should pay for it, when Mr. Augustus +Cooper said he would, if they'd have the kindness to allow him--and they +_had_ the kindness to allow him; and Master Billsmethi brought the beer +in a can, and the rum in a quart pot. They had a regular night of it; +and Miss Billsmethi squeezed Mr. Augustus Cooper's hand under the table; +and Mr. Augustus Cooper returned the squeeze, and returned home too, at +something to six o'clock in the morning, when he was put to bed by main +force by the apprentice, after repeatedly expressing an uncontrollable +desire to pitch his revered parent out of the second-floor window, and to +throttle the apprentice with his own neck-handkerchief. + +Weeks had worn on, and the seven-and-sixpenny town-mades had nearly worn +out, when the night arrived for the grand dress-ball at which the whole +of the five-and-seventy pupils were to meet together, for the first time +that season, and to take out some portion of their respective +four-and-sixpences in lamp-oil and fiddlers. Mr. Augustus Cooper had +ordered a new coat for the occasion--a two-pound-tenner from Turnstile. +It was his first appearance in public; and, after a grand Sicilian +shawl-dance by fourteen young ladies in character, he was to open the +quadrille department with Miss Billsmethi herself, with whom he had +become quite intimate since his first introduction. It _was_ a night! +Everything was admirably arranged. The sandwich-boy took the hats and +bonnets at the street-door; there was a turn-up bedstead in the back +parlour, on which Miss Billsmethi made tea and coffee for such of the +gentlemen as chose to pay for it, and such of the ladies as the gentlemen +treated; red port-wine negus and lemonade were handed round at +eighteen-pence a head; and in pursuance of a previous engagement with the +public-house at the corner of the street, an extra potboy was laid on for +the occasion. In short, nothing could exceed the arrangements, except +the company. Such ladies! Such pink silk stockings! Such artificial +flowers! Such a number of cabs! No sooner had one cab set down a couple +of ladies, than another cab drove up and set down another couple of +ladies, and they all knew: not only one another, but the majority of the +gentlemen into the bargain, which made it all as pleasant and lively as +could be. Signor Billsmethi, in black tights, with a large blue bow in +his buttonhole, introduced the ladies to such of the gentlemen as were +strangers: and the ladies talked away--and laughed they did--it was +delightful to see them. + +As to the shawl-dance, it was the most exciting thing that ever was +beheld; there was such a whisking, and rustling, and fanning, and getting +ladies into a tangle with artificial flowers, and then disentangling them +again! And as to Mr. Augustus Cooper's share in the quadrille, he got +through it admirably. He was missing from his partner, now and then, +certainly, and discovered on such occasions to be either dancing with +laudable perseverance in another set, or sliding about in perspective, +without any definite object; but, generally speaking, they managed to +shove him through the figure, until he turned up in the right place. Be +this as it may, when he had finished, a great many ladies and gentlemen +came up and complimented him very much, and said they had never seen a +beginner do anything like it before; and Mr. Augustus Cooper was +perfectly satisfied with himself, and everybody else into the bargain; +and 'stood' considerable quantities of spirits-and-water, negus, and +compounds, for the use and behoof of two or three dozen very particular +friends, selected from the select circle of five-and-seventy pupils. + +Now, whether it was the strength of the compounds, or the beauty of the +ladies, or what not, it did so happen that Mr. Augustus Cooper +encouraged, rather than repelled, the very flattering attentions of a +young lady in brown gauze over white calico who had appeared particularly +struck with him from the first; and when the encouragements had been +prolonged for some time, Miss Billsmethi betrayed her spite and jealousy +thereat by calling the young lady in brown gauze a 'creeter,' which +induced the young lady in brown gauze to retort, in certain sentences +containing a taunt founded on the payment of four-and-sixpence a quarter, +which reference Mr. Augustus Cooper, being then and there in a state of +considerable bewilderment, expressed his entire concurrence in. Miss +Billsmethi, thus renounced, forthwith began screaming in the loudest key +of her voice, at the rate of fourteen screams a minute; and being +unsuccessful, in an onslaught on the eyes and face, first of the lady in +gauze and then of Mr. Augustus Cooper, called distractedly on the other +three-and-seventy pupils to furnish her with oxalic acid for her own +private drinking; and, the call not being honoured, made another rush at +Mr. Cooper, and then had her stay-lace cut, and was carried off to bed. +Mr. Augustus Cooper, not being remarkable for quickness of apprehension, +was at a loss to understand what all this meant, until Signor Billsmethi +explained it in a most satisfactory manner, by stating to the pupils, +that Mr. Augustus Cooper had made and confirmed divers promises of +marriage to his daughter on divers occasions, and had now basely deserted +her; on which, the indignation of the pupils became universal; and as +several chivalrous gentlemen inquired rather pressingly of Mr. Augustus +Cooper, whether he required anything for his own use, or, in other words, +whether he 'wanted anything for himself,' he deemed it prudent to make a +precipitate retreat. And the upshot of the matter was, that a lawyer's +letter came next day, and an action was commenced next week; and that Mr. +Augustus Cooper, after walking twice to the Serpentine for the purpose of +drowning himself, and coming twice back without doing it, made a +confidante of his mother, who compromised the matter with twenty pounds +from the till: which made twenty pounds four shillings and sixpence paid +to Signor Billsmethi, exclusive of treats and pumps. And Mr. Augustus +Cooper went back and lived with his mother, and there he lives to this +day; and as he has lost his ambition for society, and never goes into the +world, he will never see this account of himself, and will never be any +the wiser. + + + +CHAPTER X--SHABBY-GENTEEL PEOPLE + + +There are certain descriptions of people who, oddly enough, appear to +appertain exclusively to the metropolis. You meet them, every day, in +the streets of London, but no one ever encounters them elsewhere; they +seem indigenous to the soil, and to belong as exclusively to London as +its own smoke, or the dingy bricks and mortar. We could illustrate the +remark by a variety of examples, but, in our present sketch, we will only +advert to one class as a specimen--that class which is so aptly and +expressively designated as 'shabby-genteel.' + +Now, shabby people, God knows, may be found anywhere, and genteel people +are not articles of greater scarcity out of London than in it; but this +compound of the two--this shabby-gentility--is as purely local as the +statue at Charing-cross, or the pump at Aldgate. It is worthy of remark, +too, that only men are shabby-genteel; a woman is always either dirty and +slovenly in the extreme, or neat and respectable, however +poverty-stricken in appearance. A very poor man, 'who has seen better +days,' as the phrase goes, is a strange compound of dirty-slovenliness +and wretched attempts at faded smartness. + +We will endeavour to explain our conception of the term which forms the +title of this paper. If you meet a man, lounging up Drury-Lane, or +leaning with his back against a post in Long-acre, with his hands in the +pockets of a pair of drab trousers plentifully besprinkled with +grease-spots: the trousers made very full over the boots, and ornamented +with two cords down the outside of each leg--wearing, also, what has been +a brown coat with bright buttons, and a hat very much pinched up at the +side, cocked over his right eye--don't pity him. He is not +shabby-genteel. The 'harmonic meetings' at some fourth-rate +public-house, or the purlieus of a private theatre, are his chosen +haunts; he entertains a rooted antipathy to any kind of work, and is on +familiar terms with several pantomime men at the large houses. But, if +you see hurrying along a by-street, keeping as close as he can to the +area-railings, a man of about forty or fifty, clad in an old rusty suit +of threadbare black cloth which shines with constant wear as if it had +been bees-waxed--the trousers tightly strapped down, partly for the look +of the thing and partly to keep his old shoes from slipping off at the +heels,--if you observe, too, that his yellowish-white neckerchief is +carefully pinned up, to conceal the tattered garment underneath, and that +his hands are encased in the remains of an old pair of beaver gloves, you +may set him down as a shabby-genteel man. A glance at that depressed +face, and timorous air of conscious poverty, will make your heart +ache--always supposing that you are neither a philosopher nor a political +economist. + +We were once haunted by a shabby-genteel man; he was bodily present to +our senses all day, and he was in our mind's eye all night. The man of +whom Sir Walter Scott speaks in his Demonology, did not suffer half the +persecution from his imaginary gentleman-usher in black velvet, that we +sustained from our friend in quondam black cloth. He first attracted our +notice, by sitting opposite to us in the reading-room at the British +Museum; and what made the man more remarkable was, that he always had +before him a couple of shabby-genteel books--two old dog's-eared folios, +in mouldy worm-eaten covers, which had once been smart. He was in his +chair, every morning, just as the clock struck ten; he was always the +last to leave the room in the afternoon; and when he did, he quitted it +with the air of a man who knew not where else to go, for warmth and +quiet. There he used to sit all day, as close to the table as possible, +in order to conceal the lack of buttons on his coat: with his old hat +carefully deposited at his feet, where he evidently flattered himself it +escaped observation. + +About two o'clock, you would see him munching a French roll or a penny +loaf; not taking it boldly out of his pocket at once, like a man who knew +he was only making a lunch; but breaking off little bits in his pocket, +and eating them by stealth. He knew too well it was his dinner. + +When we first saw this poor object, we thought it quite impossible that +his attire could ever become worse. We even went so far, as to speculate +on the possibility of his shortly appearing in a decent second-hand suit. +We knew nothing about the matter; he grew more and more shabby-genteel +every day. The buttons dropped off his waistcoat, one by one; then, he +buttoned his coat; and when one side of the coat was reduced to the same +condition as the waistcoat, he buttoned it over--on the other side. He +looked somewhat better at the beginning of the week than at the +conclusion, because the neckerchief, though yellow, was not quite so +dingy; and, in the midst of all this wretchedness, he never appeared +without gloves and straps. He remained in this state for a week or two. +At length, one of the buttons on the back of the coat fell off, and then +the man himself disappeared, and we thought he was dead. + +We were sitting at the same table about a week after his disappearance, +and as our eyes rested on his vacant chair, we insensibly fell into a +train of meditation on the subject of his retirement from public life. +We were wondering whether he had hung himself, or thrown himself off a +bridge--whether he really was dead or had only been arrested--when our +conjectures were suddenly set at rest by the entry of the man himself. +He had undergone some strange metamorphosis, and walked up the centre of +the room with an air which showed he was fully conscious of the +improvement in his appearance. It was very odd. His clothes were a +fine, deep, glossy black; and yet they looked like the same suit; nay, +there were the very darns with which old acquaintance had made us +familiar. The hat, too--nobody could mistake the shape of that hat, with +its high crown gradually increasing in circumference towards the top. +Long service had imparted to it a reddish-brown tint; but, now, it was as +black as the coat. The truth flashed suddenly upon us--they had been +'revived.' It is a deceitful liquid that black and blue reviver; we have +watched its effects on many a shabby-genteel man. It betrays its victims +into a temporary assumption of importance: possibly into the purchase of +a new pair of gloves, or a cheap stock, or some other trifling article of +dress. It elevates their spirits for a week, only to depress them, if +possible, below their original level. It was so in this case; the +transient dignity of the unhappy man decreased, in exact proportion as +the 'reviver' wore off. The knees of the unmentionables, and the elbows +of the coat, and the seams generally, soon began to get alarmingly white. +The hat was once more deposited under the table, and its owner crept into +his seat as quietly as ever. + +There was a week of incessant small rain and mist. At its expiration the +'reviver' had entirely vanished, and the shabby-genteel man never +afterwards attempted to effect any improvement in his outward appearance. + +It would be difficult to name any particular part of town as the +principal resort of shabby-genteel men. We have met a great many persons +of this description in the neighbourhood of the inns of court. They may +be met with, in Holborn, between eight and ten any morning; and whoever +has the curiosity to enter the Insolvent Debtors' Court will observe, +both among spectators and practitioners, a great variety of them. We +never went on 'Change, by any chance, without seeing some shabby-genteel +men, and we have often wondered what earthly business they can have +there. They will sit there, for hours, leaning on great, dropsical, +mildewed umbrellas, or eating Abernethy biscuits. Nobody speaks to them, +nor they to any one. On consideration, we remember to have occasionally +seen two shabby-genteel men conversing together on 'Change, but our +experience assures us that this is an uncommon circumstance, occasioned +by the offer of a pinch of snuff, or some such civility. + +It would be a task of equal difficulty, either to assign any particular +spot for the residence of these beings, or to endeavour to enumerate +their general occupations. We were never engaged in business with more +than one shabby-genteel man; and he was a drunken engraver, and lived in +a damp back-parlour in a new row of houses at Camden-town, half street, +half brick-field, somewhere near the canal. A shabby-genteel man may +have no occupation, or he may be a corn agent, or a coal agent, or a wine +merchant, or a collector of debts, or a broker's assistant, or a +broken-down attorney. He may be a clerk of the lowest description, or a +contributor to the press of the same grade. Whether our readers have +noticed these men, in their walks, as often as we have, we know not; this +we know--that the miserably poor man (no matter whether he owes his +distresses to his own conduct, or that of others) who feels his poverty +and vainly strives to conceal it, is one of the most pitiable objects in +human nature. Such objects, with few exceptions, are shabby-genteel +people. + + + +CHAPTER XI--MAKING A NIGHT OF IT + + +Damon and Pythias were undoubtedly very good fellows in their way: the +former for his extreme readiness to put in special bail for a friend: and +the latter for a certain trump-like punctuality in turning up just in the +very nick of time, scarcely less remarkable. Many points in their +character have, however, grown obsolete. Damons are rather hard to find, +in these days of imprisonment for debt (except the sham ones, and they +cost half-a-crown); and, as to the Pythiases, the few that have existed +in these degenerate times, have had an unfortunate knack of making +themselves scarce, at the very moment when their appearance would have +been strictly classical. If the actions of these heroes, however, can +find no parallel in modern times, their friendship can. We have Damon +and Pythias on the one hand. We have Potter and Smithers on the other; +and, lest the two last-mentioned names should never have reached the ears +of our unenlightened readers, we can do no better than make them +acquainted with the owners thereof. + +Mr. Thomas Potter, then, was a clerk in the city, and Mr. Robert Smithers +was a ditto in the same; their incomes were limited, but their friendship +was unbounded. They lived in the same street, walked into town every +morning at the same hour, dined at the same slap-bang every day, and +revelled in each other's company very night. They were knit together by +the closest ties of intimacy and friendship, or, as Mr. Thomas Potter +touchingly observed, they were 'thick-and-thin pals, and nothing but it.' +There was a spice of romance in Mr. Smithers's disposition, a ray of +poetry, a gleam of misery, a sort of consciousness of he didn't exactly +know what, coming across him he didn't precisely know why--which stood +out in fine relief against the off-hand, dashing, +amateur-pickpocket-sort-of-manner, which distinguished Mr. Potter in an +eminent degree. + +The peculiarity of their respective dispositions, extended itself to +their individual costume. Mr. Smithers generally appeared in public in a +surtout and shoes, with a narrow black neckerchief and a brown hat, very +much turned up at the sides--peculiarities which Mr. Potter wholly +eschewed, for it was his ambition to do something in the celebrated +'kiddy' or stage-coach way, and he had even gone so far as to invest +capital in the purchase of a rough blue coat with wooden buttons, made +upon the fireman's principle, in which, with the addition of a +low-crowned, flower-pot-saucer-shaped hat, he had created no +inconsiderable sensation at the Albion in Little Russell-street, and +divers other places of public and fashionable resort. + +Mr. Potter and Mr. Smithers had mutually agreed that, on the receipt of +their quarter's salary, they would jointly and in company 'spend the +evening'--an evident misnomer--the spending applying, as everybody knows, +not to the evening itself but to all the money the individual may chance +to be possessed of, on the occasion to which reference is made; and they +had likewise agreed that, on the evening aforesaid, they would 'make a +night of it'--an expressive term, implying the borrowing of several hours +from to-morrow morning, adding them to the night before, and +manufacturing a compound night of the whole. + +The quarter-day arrived at last--we say at last, because quarter-days are +as eccentric as comets: moving wonderfully quick when you have a good +deal to pay, and marvellously slow when you have a little to receive. +Mr. Thomas Potter and Mr. Robert Smithers met by appointment to begin the +evening with a dinner; and a nice, snug, comfortable dinner they had, +consisting of a little procession of four chops and four kidneys, +following each other, supported on either side by a pot of the real +draught stout, and attended by divers cushions of bread, and wedges of +cheese. + +When the cloth was removed, Mr. Thomas Potter ordered the waiter to bring +in, two goes of his best Scotch whiskey, with warm water and sugar, and a +couple of his 'very mildest' Havannahs, which the waiter did. Mr. Thomas +Potter mixed his grog, and lighted his cigar; Mr. Robert Smithers did the +same; and then, Mr. Thomas Potter jocularly proposed as the first toast, +'the abolition of all offices whatever' (not sinecures, but +counting-houses), which was immediately drunk by Mr. Robert Smithers, +with enthusiastic applause. So they went on, talking politics, puffing +cigars, and sipping whiskey-and-water, until the 'goes'--most +appropriately so called--were both gone, which Mr. Robert Smithers +perceiving, immediately ordered in two more goes of the best Scotch +whiskey, and two more of the very mildest Havannahs; and the goes kept +coming in, and the mild Havannahs kept going out, until, what with the +drinking, and lighting, and puffing, and the stale ashes on the table, +and the tallow-grease on the cigars, Mr. Robert Smithers began to doubt +the mildness of the Havannahs, and to feel very much as if he had been +sitting in a hackney-coach with his back to the horses. + +As to Mr. Thomas Potter, he _would_ keep laughing out loud, and +volunteering inarticulate declarations that he was 'all right;' in proof +of which, he feebly bespoke the evening paper after the next gentleman, +but finding it a matter of some difficulty to discover any news in its +columns, or to ascertain distinctly whether it had any columns at all, +walked slowly out to look for the moon, and, after coming back quite pale +with looking up at the sky so long, and attempting to express mirth at +Mr. Robert Smithers having fallen asleep, by various galvanic chuckles, +laid his head on his arm, and went to sleep also. When he awoke again, +Mr. Robert Smithers awoke too, and they both very gravely agreed that it +was extremely unwise to eat so many pickled walnuts with the chops, as it +was a notorious fact that they always made people queer and sleepy; +indeed, if it had not been for the whiskey and cigars, there was no +knowing what harm they mightn't have done 'em. So they took some coffee, +and after paying the bill,--twelve and twopence the dinner, and the odd +tenpence for the waiter--thirteen shillings in all--started out on their +expedition to manufacture a night. + +It was just half-past eight, so they thought they couldn't do better than +go at half-price to the slips at the City Theatre, which they did +accordingly. Mr. Robert Smithers, who had become extremely poetical +after the settlement of the bill, enlivening the walk by informing Mr. +Thomas Potter in confidence that he felt an inward presentiment of +approaching dissolution, and subsequently embellishing the theatre, by +falling asleep with his head and both arms gracefully drooping over the +front of the boxes. + +Such was the quiet demeanour of the unassuming Smithers, and such were +the happy effects of Scotch whiskey and Havannahs on that interesting +person! But Mr. Thomas Potter, whose great aim it was to be considered +as a 'knowing card,' a 'fast-goer,' and so forth, conducted himself in a +very different manner, and commenced going very fast indeed--rather too +fast at last, for the patience of the audience to keep pace with him. On +his first entry, he contented himself by earnestly calling upon the +gentlemen in the gallery to 'flare up,' accompanying the demand with +another request, expressive of his wish that they would instantaneously +'form a union,' both which requisitions were responded to, in the manner +most in vogue on such occasions. + +'Give that dog a bone!' cried one gentleman in his shirt-sleeves. + +'Where have you been a having half a pint of intermediate beer?' cried a +second. 'Tailor!' screamed a third. 'Barber's clerk!' shouted a fourth. +'Throw him O--VER!' roared a fifth; while numerous voices concurred in +desiring Mr. Thomas Potter to 'go home to his mother!' All these taunts +Mr. Thomas Potter received with supreme contempt, cocking the low-crowned +hat a little more on one side, whenever any reference was made to his +personal appearance, and, standing up with his arms a-kimbo, expressing +defiance melodramatically. + +The overture--to which these various sounds had been an _ad libitum_ +accompaniment--concluded, the second piece began, and Mr. Thomas Potter, +emboldened by impunity, proceeded to behave in a most unprecedented and +outrageous manner. First of all, he imitated the shake of the principal +female singer; then, groaned at the blue fire; then, affected to be +frightened into convulsions of terror at the appearance of the ghost; +and, lastly, not only made a running commentary, in an audible voice, +upon the dialogue on the stage, but actually awoke Mr. Robert Smithers, +who, hearing his companion making a noise, and having a very indistinct +notion where he was, or what was required of him, immediately, by way of +imitating a good example, set up the most unearthly, unremitting, and +appalling howling that ever audience heard. It was too much. 'Turn them +out!' was the general cry. A noise, as of shuffling of feet, and men +being knocked up with violence against wainscoting, was heard: a hurried +dialogue of 'Come out?'--'I won't!'--'You shall!'--'I shan't!'--'Give me +your card, Sir?'--'You're a scoundrel, Sir!' and so forth, succeeded. A +round of applause betokened the approbation of the audience, and Mr. +Robert Smithers and Mr. Thomas Potter found themselves shot with +astonishing swiftness into the road, without having had the trouble of +once putting foot to ground during the whole progress of their rapid +descent. + +Mr. Robert Smithers, being constitutionally one of the slow-goers, and +having had quite enough of fast-going, in the course of his recent +expulsion, to last until the quarter-day then next ensuing at the very +least, had no sooner emerged with his companion from the precincts of +Milton-street, than he proceeded to indulge in circuitous references to +the beauties of sleep, mingled with distant allusions to the propriety of +returning to Islington, and testing the influence of their patent Bramahs +over the street-door locks to which they respectively belonged. Mr. +Thomas Potter, however, was valorous and peremptory. They had come out +to make a night of it: and a night must be made. So Mr. Robert Smithers, +who was three parts dull, and the other dismal, despairingly assented; +and they went into a wine-vaults, to get materials for assisting them in +making a night; where they found a good many young ladies, and various +old gentlemen, and a plentiful sprinkling of hackney-coachmen and +cab-drivers, all drinking and talking together; and Mr. Thomas Potter and +Mr. Robert Smithers drank small glasses of brandy, and large glasses of +soda, until they began to have a very confused idea, either of things in +general, or of anything in particular; and, when they had done treating +themselves they began to treat everybody else; and the rest of the +entertainment was a confused mixture of heads and heels, black eyes and +blue uniforms, mud and gas-lights, thick doors, and stone paving. + +Then, as standard novelists expressively inform us--'all was a blank!' +and in the morning the blank was filled up with the words +'STATION-HOUSE,' and the station-house was filled up with Mr. Thomas +Potter, Mr. Robert Smithers, and the major part of their wine-vault +companions of the preceding night, with a comparatively small portion of +clothing of any kind. And it was disclosed at the Police-office, to the +indignation of the Bench, and the astonishment of the spectators, how one +Robert Smithers, aided and abetted by one Thomas Potter, had knocked down +and beaten, in divers streets, at different times, five men, four boys, +and three women; how the said Thomas Potter had feloniously obtained +possession of five door-knockers, two bell-handles, and a bonnet; how +Robert Smithers, his friend, had sworn, at least forty pounds' worth of +oaths, at the rate of five shillings apiece; terrified whole streets full +of Her Majesty's subjects with awful shrieks and alarms of fire; +destroyed the uniforms of five policemen; and committed various other +atrocities, too numerous to recapitulate. And the magistrate, after an +appropriate reprimand, fined Mr. Thomas Potter and Mr. Thomas Smithers +five shillings each, for being, what the law vulgarly terms, drunk; and +thirty-four pounds for seventeen assaults at forty shillings a-head, with +liberty to speak to the prosecutors. + +The prosecutors _were_ spoken to, and Messrs. Potter and Smithers lived +on credit, for a quarter, as best they might; and, although the +prosecutors expressed their readiness to be assaulted twice a week, on +the same terms, they have never since been detected in 'making a night of +it.' + + + +CHAPTER XII--THE PRISONERS' VAN + + +We were passing the corner of Bow-street, on our return from a lounging +excursion the other afternoon, when a crowd, assembled round the door of +the Police-office, attracted our attention. We turned up the street +accordingly. There were thirty or forty people, standing on the pavement +and half across the road; and a few stragglers were patiently stationed +on the opposite side of the way--all evidently waiting in expectation of +some arrival. We waited too, a few minutes, but nothing occurred; so, we +turned round to an unshorn, sallow-looking cobbler, who was standing next +us with his hands under the bib of his apron, and put the usual question +of 'What's the matter?' The cobbler eyed us from head to foot, with +superlative contempt, and laconically replied 'Nuffin.' + +Now, we were perfectly aware that if two men stop in the street to look +at any given object, or even to gaze in the air, two hundred men will be +assembled in no time; but, as we knew very well that no crowd of people +could by possibility remain in a street for five minutes without getting +up a little amusement among themselves, unless they had some absorbing +object in view, the natural inquiry next in order was, 'What are all +these people waiting here for?'--'Her Majesty's carriage,' replied the +cobbler. This was still more extraordinary. We could not imagine what +earthly business Her Majesty's carriage could have at the Public Office, +Bow-street. We were beginning to ruminate on the possible causes of such +an uncommon appearance, when a general exclamation from all the boys in +the crowd of 'Here's the wan!' caused us to raise our heads, and look up +the street. + +The covered vehicle, in which prisoners are conveyed from the +police-offices to the different prisons, was coming along at full speed. +It then occurred to us, for the first time, that Her Majesty's carriage +was merely another name for the prisoners' van, conferred upon it, not +only by reason of the superior gentility of the term, but because the +aforesaid van is maintained at Her Majesty's expense: having been +originally started for the exclusive accommodation of ladies and +gentlemen under the necessity of visiting the various houses of call +known by the general denomination of 'Her Majesty's Gaols.' + +The van drew up at the office-door, and the people thronged round the +steps, just leaving a little alley for the prisoners to pass through. +Our friend the cobbler, and the other stragglers, crossed over, and we +followed their example. The driver, and another man who had been seated +by his side in front of the vehicle, dismounted, and were admitted into +the office. The office-door was closed after them, and the crowd were on +the tiptoe of expectation. + +After a few minutes' delay, the door again opened, and the two first +prisoners appeared. They were a couple of girls, of whom the +elder--could not be more than sixteen, and the younger of whom had +certainly not attained her fourteenth year. That they were sisters, was +evident, from the resemblance which still subsisted between them, though +two additional years of depravity had fixed their brand upon the elder +girl's features, as legibly as if a red-hot iron had seared them. They +were both gaudily dressed, the younger one especially; and, although +there was a strong similarity between them in both respects, which was +rendered the more obvious by their being handcuffed together, it is +impossible to conceive a greater contrast than the demeanour of the two +presented. The younger girl was weeping bitterly--not for display, or in +the hope of producing effect, but for very shame: her face was buried in +her handkerchief: and her whole manner was but too expressive of bitter +and unavailing sorrow. + +'How long are you for, Emily?' screamed a red-faced woman in the crowd. +'Six weeks and labour,' replied the elder girl with a flaunting laugh; +'and that's better than the stone jug anyhow; the mill's a deal better +than the Sessions, and here's Bella a-going too for the first time. Hold +up your head, you chicken,' she continued, boisterously tearing the other +girl's handkerchief away; 'Hold up your head, and show 'em your face. I +an't jealous, but I'm blessed if I an't game!'--'That's right, old gal,' +exclaimed a man in a paper cap, who, in common with the greater part of +the crowd, had been inexpressibly delighted with this little +incident.--'Right!' replied the girl; 'ah, to be sure; what's the odds, +eh?'--'Come! In with you,' interrupted the driver. 'Don't you be in a +hurry, coachman,' replied the girl, 'and recollect I want to be set down +in Cold Bath Fields--large house with a high garden-wall in front; you +can't mistake it. Hallo. Bella, where are you going to--you'll pull my +precious arm off?' This was addressed to the younger girl, who, in her +anxiety to hide herself in the caravan, had ascended the steps first, and +forgotten the strain upon the handcuff. 'Come down, and let's show you +the way.' And after jerking the miserable girl down with a force which +made her stagger on the pavement, she got into the vehicle, and was +followed by her wretched companion. + +These two girls had been thrown upon London streets, their vices and +debauchery, by a sordid and rapacious mother. What the younger girl was +then, the elder had been once; and what the elder then was, the younger +must soon become. A melancholy prospect, but how surely to be realised; +a tragic drama, but how often acted! Turn to the prisons and police +offices of London--nay, look into the very streets themselves. These +things pass before our eyes, day after day, and hour after hour--they +have become such matters of course, that they are utterly disregarded. +The progress of these girls in crime will be as rapid as the flight of a +pestilence, resembling it too in its baneful influence and wide-spreading +infection. Step by step, how many wretched females, within the sphere of +every man's observation, have become involved in a career of vice, +frightful to contemplate; hopeless at its commencement, loathsome and +repulsive in its course; friendless, forlorn, and unpitied, at its +miserable conclusion! + +There were other prisoners--boys of ten, as hardened in vice as men of +fifty--a houseless vagrant, going joyfully to prison as a place of food +and shelter, handcuffed to a man whose prospects were ruined, character +lost, and family rendered destitute, by his first offence. Our +curiosity, however, was satisfied. The first group had left an +impression on our mind we would gladly have avoided, and would willingly +have effaced. + +The crowd dispersed; the vehicle rolled away with its load of guilt and +misfortune; and we saw no more of the Prisoners' Van. + + + + +TALES + + +CHAPTER I--THE BOARDING-HOUSE + + +CHAPTER I. + + +Mrs. Tibbs was, beyond all dispute, the most tidy, fidgety, thrifty +little personage that ever inhaled the smoke of London; and the house of +Mrs. Tibbs was, decidedly, the neatest in all Great Coram-street. The +area and the area-steps, and the street-door and the street-door steps, +and the brass handle, and the door-plate, and the knocker, and the +fan-light, were all as clean and bright, as indefatigable white-washing, +and hearth-stoning, and scrubbing and rubbing, could make them. The +wonder was, that the brass door-plate, with the interesting inscription +'MRS. TIBBS,' had never caught fire from constant friction, so +perseveringly was it polished. There were meat-safe-looking blinds in +the parlour-windows, blue and gold curtains in the drawing-room, and +spring-roller blinds, as Mrs. Tibbs was wont in the pride of her heart to +boast, 'all the way up.' The bell-lamp in the passage looked as clear as +a soap-bubble; you could see yourself in all the tables, and +French-polish yourself on any one of the chairs. The banisters were +bees-waxed; and the very stair-wires made your eyes wink, they were so +glittering. + +Mrs. Tibbs was somewhat short of stature, and Mr. Tibbs was by no means a +large man. He had, moreover, very short legs, but, by way of +indemnification, his face was peculiarly long. He was to his wife what +the 0 is in 90--he was of some importance _with_ her--he was nothing +without her. Mrs. Tibbs was always talking. Mr. Tibbs rarely spoke; +but, if it were at any time possible to put in a word, when he should +have said nothing at all, he had that talent. Mrs. Tibbs detested long +stories, and Mr. Tibbs had one, the conclusion of which had never been +heard by his most intimate friends. It always began, 'I recollect when I +was in the volunteer corps, in eighteen hundred and six,'--but, as he +spoke very slowly and softly, and his better half very quickly and +loudly, he rarely got beyond the introductory sentence. He was a +melancholy specimen of the story-teller. He was the wandering Jew of +Joe Millerism. + +Mr. Tibbs enjoyed a small independence from the pension-list--about +43_l._ 15_s._ 10_d._ a year. His father, mother, and five interesting +scions from the same stock, drew a like sum from the revenue of a +grateful country, though for what particular service was never known. +But, as this said independence was not quite sufficient to furnish two +people with _all_ the luxuries of this life, it had occurred to the busy +little spouse of Tibbs, that the best thing she could do with a legacy of +700_l._, would be to take and furnish a tolerable house--somewhere in +that partially-explored tract of country which lies between the British +Museum, and a remote village called Somers-town--for the reception of +boarders. Great Coram-street was the spot pitched upon. The house had +been furnished accordingly; two female servants and a boy engaged; and an +advertisement inserted in the morning papers, informing the public that +'Six individuals would meet with all the comforts of a cheerful musical +home in a select private family, residing within ten minutes' walk +of'--everywhere. Answers out of number were received, with all sorts of +initials; all the letters of the alphabet seemed to be seized with a +sudden wish to go out boarding and lodging; voluminous was the +correspondence between Mrs. Tibbs and the applicants; and most profound +was the secrecy observed. 'E.' didn't like this; 'I.' couldn't think of +putting up with that; 'I. O. U.' didn't think the terms would suit him; +and 'G. R.' had never slept in a French bed. The result, however, was, +that three gentlemen became inmates of Mrs. Tibbs's house, on terms which +were 'agreeable to all parties.' In went the advertisement again, and a +lady with her two daughters, proposed to increase--not their families, +but Mrs. Tibbs's. + +'Charming woman, that Mrs. Maplesone!' said Mrs. Tibbs, as she and her +spouse were sitting by the fire after breakfast; the gentlemen having +gone out on their several avocations. 'Charming woman, indeed!' repeated +little Mrs. Tibbs, more by way of soliloquy than anything else, for she +never thought of consulting her husband. 'And the two daughters are +delightful. We must have some fish to-day; they'll join us at dinner for +the first time.' + +Mr. Tibbs placed the poker at right angles with the fire shovel, and +essayed to speak, but recollected he had nothing to say. + +'The young ladies,' continued Mrs. T., 'have kindly volunteered to bring +their own piano.' + +Tibbs thought of the volunteer story, but did not venture it. + +A bright thought struck him-- + +'It's very likely--' said he. + +'Pray don't lean your head against the paper,' interrupted Mrs. Tibbs; +'and don't put your feet on the steel fender; that's worse.' + +Tibbs took his head from the paper, and his feet from the fender, and +proceeded. 'It's very likely one of the young ladies may set her cap at +young Mr. Simpson, and you know a marriage--' + +'A what!' shrieked Mrs. Tibbs. Tibbs modestly repeated his former +suggestion. + +'I beg you won't mention such a thing,' said Mrs. T. 'A marriage, indeed +to rob me of my boarders--no, not for the world.' + +Tibbs thought in his own mind that the event was by no means unlikely, +but, as he never argued with his wife, he put a stop to the dialogue, by +observing it was 'time to go to business.' He always went out at ten +o'clock in the morning, and returned at five in the afternoon, with an +exceedingly dirty face, and smelling mouldy. Nobody knew what he was, or +where he went; but Mrs. Tibbs used to say with an air of great +importance, that he was engaged in the City. + +The Miss Maplesones and their accomplished parent arrived in the course +of the afternoon in a hackney-coach, and accompanied by a most +astonishing number of packages. Trunks, bonnet-boxes, muff-boxes and +parasols, guitar-cases, and parcels of all imaginable shapes, done up in +brown paper, and fastened with pins, filled the passage. Then, there was +such a running up and down with the luggage, such scampering for warm +water for the ladies to wash in, and such a bustle, and confusion, and +heating of servants, and curling-irons, as had never been known in Great +Coram-street before. Little Mrs. Tibbs was quite in her element, +bustling about, talking incessantly, and distributing towels and soap, +like a head nurse in a hospital. The house was not restored to its usual +state of quiet repose, until the ladies were safely shut up in their +respective bedrooms, engaged in the important occupation of dressing for +dinner. + +'Are these gals 'andsome?' inquired Mr. Simpson of Mr. Septimus Hicks, +another of the boarders, as they were amusing themselves in the +drawing-room, before dinner, by lolling on sofas, and contemplating their +pumps. + +'Don't know,' replied Mr. Septimus Hicks, who was a tallish, white-faced +young man, with spectacles, and a black ribbon round his neck instead of +a neckerchief--a most interesting person; a poetical walker of the +hospitals, and a 'very talented young man.' He was fond of 'lugging' +into conversation all sorts of quotations from Don Juan, without +fettering himself by the propriety of their application; in which +particular he was remarkably independent. The other, Mr. Simpson, was +one of those young men, who are in society what walking gentlemen are on +the stage, only infinitely worse skilled in his vocation than the most +indifferent artist. He was as empty-headed as the great bell of St. +Paul's; always dressed according to the caricatures published in the +monthly fashion; and spelt Character with a K. + +'I saw a devilish number of parcels in the passage when I came home,' +simpered Mr. Simpson. + +'Materials for the toilet, no doubt,' rejoined the Don Juan reader. + + --'Much linen, lace, and several pair + Of stockings, slippers, brushes, combs, complete; + With other articles of ladies fair, + To keep them beautiful, or leave them neat.' + +'Is that from Milton?' inquired Mr. Simpson. + +'No--from Byron,' returned Mr. Hicks, with a look of contempt. He was +quite sure of his author, because he had never read any other. 'Hush! +Here come the gals,' and they both commenced talking in a very loud key. + +'Mrs. Maplesone and the Miss Maplesones, Mr. Hicks. Mr. Hicks--Mrs. +Maplesone and the Miss Maplesones,' said Mrs. Tibbs, with a very red +face, for she had been superintending the cooking operations below +stairs, and looked like a wax doll on a sunny day. 'Mr. Simpson, I beg +your pardon--Mr. Simpson--Mrs. Maplesone and the Miss Maplesones'--and +_vice versa_. The gentlemen immediately began to slide about with much +politeness, and to look as if they wished their arms had been legs, so +little did they know what to do with them. The ladies smiled, curtseyed, +and glided into chairs, and dived for dropped pocket-handkerchiefs: the +gentlemen leant against two of the curtain-pegs; Mrs. Tibbs went through +an admirable bit of serious pantomime with a servant who had come up to +ask some question about the fish-sauce; and then the two young ladies +looked at each other; and everybody else appeared to discover something +very attractive in the pattern of the fender. + +'Julia, my love,' said Mrs. Maplesone to her youngest daughter, in a tone +loud enough for the remainder of the company to hear--'Julia.' + +'Yes, Ma.' + +'Don't stoop.'--This was said for the purpose of directing general +attention to Miss Julia's figure, which was undeniable. Everybody looked +at her, accordingly, and there was another pause. + +'We had the most uncivil hackney-coachman to-day, you can imagine,' said +Mrs. Maplesone to Mrs. Tibbs, in a confidential tone. + +'Dear me!' replied the hostess, with an air of great commiseration. She +couldn't say more, for the servant again appeared at the door, and +commenced telegraphing most earnestly to her 'Missis.' + +'I think hackney-coachmen generally _are_ uncivil,' said Mr. Hicks in his +most insinuating tone. + +'Positively I think they are,' replied Mrs. Maplesone, as if the idea had +never struck her before. + +'And cabmen, too,' said Mr. Simpson. This remark was a failure, for no +one intimated, by word or sign, the slightest knowledge of the manners +and customs of cabmen. + +'Robinson, what _do_ you want?' said Mrs. Tibbs to the servant, who, by +way of making her presence known to her mistress, had been giving sundry +hems and sniffs outside the door during the preceding five minutes. + +'Please, ma'am, master wants his clean things,' replied the servant, +taken off her guard. The two young men turned their faces to the window, +and 'went off' like a couple of bottles of ginger-beer; the ladies put +their handkerchiefs to their mouths; and little Mrs. Tibbs bustled out of +the room to give Tibbs his clean linen,--and the servant warning. + +Mr. Calton, the remaining boarder, shortly afterwards made his +appearance, and proved a surprising promoter of the conversation. Mr. +Calton was a superannuated beau--an old boy. He used to say of himself +that although his features were not regularly handsome, they were +striking. They certainly were. It was impossible to look at his face +without being reminded of a chubby street-door knocker, half-lion +half-monkey; and the comparison might be extended to his whole character +and conversation. He had stood still, while everything else had been +moving. He never originated a conversation, or started an idea; but if +any commonplace topic were broached, or, to pursue the comparison, if +anybody _lifted him up_, he would hammer away with surprising rapidity. +He had the tic-douloureux occasionally, and then he might be said to be +muffled, because he did not make quite as much noise as at other times, +when he would go on prosing, rat-tat-tat the same thing over and over +again. He had never been married; but he was still on the look-out for a +wife with money. He had a life interest worth about 300_l._ a year--he +was exceedingly vain, and inordinately selfish. He had acquired the +reputation of being the very pink of politeness, and he walked round the +park, and up Regent-street, every day. + +This respectable personage had made up his mind to render himself +exceedingly agreeable to Mrs. Maplesone--indeed, the desire of being as +amiable as possible extended itself to the whole party; Mrs. Tibbs having +considered it an admirable little bit of management to represent to the +gentlemen that she had _some_ reason to believe the ladies were fortunes, +and to hint to the ladies, that all the gentlemen were 'eligible.' A +little flirtation, she thought, might keep her house full, without +leading to any other result. + +Mrs. Maplesone was an enterprising widow of about fifty: shrewd, +scheming, and good-looking. She was amiably anxious on behalf of her +daughters; in proof whereof she used to remark, that she would have no +objection to marry again, if it would benefit her dear girls--she could +have no other motive. The 'dear girls' themselves were not at all +insensible to the merits of 'a good establishment.' One of them was +twenty-five; the other, three years younger. They had been at different +watering-places, for four seasons; they had gambled at libraries, read +books in balconies, sold at fancy fairs, danced at assemblies, talked +sentiment--in short, they had done all that industrious girls could +do--but, as yet, to no purpose. + +'What a magnificent dresser Mr. Simpson is!' whispered Matilda Maplesone +to her sister Julia. + +'Splendid!' returned the youngest. The magnificent individual alluded to +wore a maroon-coloured dress-coat, with a velvet collar and cuffs of the +same tint--very like that which usually invests the form of the +distinguished unknown who condescends to play the 'swell' in the +pantomime at 'Richardson's Show.' + +'What whiskers!' said Miss Julia. + +'Charming!' responded her sister; 'and what hair!' His hair was like a +wig, and distinguished by that insinuating wave which graces the shining +locks of those _chef-d'oeuvres_ of art surmounting the waxen images in +Bartellot's window in Regent-street; his whiskers meeting beneath his +chin, seemed strings wherewith to tie it on, ere science had rendered +them unnecessary by her patent invisible springs. + +'Dinner's on the table, ma'am, if you please,' said the boy, who now +appeared for the first time, in a revived black coat of his master's. + +'Oh! Mr. Calton, will you lead Mrs. Maplesone?--Thank you.' Mr. Simpson +offered his arm to Miss Julia; Mr. Septimus Hicks escorted the lovely +Matilda; and the procession proceeded to the dining-room. Mr. Tibbs was +introduced, and Mr. Tibbs bobbed up and down to the three ladies like a +figure in a Dutch clock, with a powerful spring in the middle of his +body, and then dived rapidly into his seat at the bottom of the table, +delighted to screen himself behind a soup-tureen, which he could just see +over, and that was all. The boarders were seated, a lady and gentleman +alternately, like the layers of bread and meat in a plate of sandwiches; +and then Mrs. Tibbs directed James to take off the covers. Salmon, +lobster-sauce, giblet-soup, and the usual accompaniments were discovered: +potatoes like petrifactions, and bits of toasted bread, the shape and +size of blank dice. + +'Soup for Mrs. Maplesone, my dear,' said the bustling Mrs. Tibbs. She +always called her husband 'my dear' before company. Tibbs, who had been +eating his bread, and calculating how long it would be before he should +get any fish, helped the soup in a hurry, made a small island on the +table-cloth, and put his glass upon it, to hide it from his wife. + +'Miss Julia, shall I assist you to some fish?' + +'If you please--very little--oh! plenty, thank you' (a bit about the size +of a walnut put upon the plate). + +'Julia is a _very_ little eater,' said Mrs. Maplesone to Mr. Calton. + +The knocker gave a single rap. He was busy eating the fish with his +eyes: so he only ejaculated, 'Ah!' + +'My dear,' said Mrs. Tibbs to her spouse after every one else had been +helped, 'what do _you_ take?' The inquiry was accompanied with a look +intimating that he mustn't say fish, because there was not much left. +Tibbs thought the frown referred to the island on the table-cloth; he +therefore coolly replied, 'Why--I'll take a little--fish, I think.' + +'Did you say fish, my dear?' (another frown). + +'Yes, dear,' replied the villain, with an expression of acute hunger +depicted in his countenance. The tears almost started to Mrs. Tibbs's +eyes, as she helped her 'wretch of a husband,' as she inwardly called +him, to the last eatable bit of salmon on the dish. + +'James, take this to your master, and take away your master's knife.' +This was deliberate revenge, as Tibbs never could eat fish without one. +He was, however, constrained to chase small particles of salmon round and +round his plate with a piece of bread and a fork, the number of +successful attempts being about one in seventeen. + +'Take away, James,' said Mrs. Tibbs, as Tibbs swallowed the fourth +mouthful--and away went the plates like lightning. + +'I'll take a bit of bread, James,' said the poor 'master of the house,' +more hungry than ever. + +'Never mind your master now, James,' said Mrs. Tibbs, 'see about the +meat.' This was conveyed in the tone in which ladies usually give +admonitions to servants in company, that is to say, a low one; but which, +like a stage whisper, from its peculiar emphasis, is most distinctly +heard by everybody present. + +A pause ensued, before the table was replenished--a sort of parenthesis +in which Mr. Simpson, Mr. Calton, and Mr. Hicks, produced respectively a +bottle of sauterne, bucellas, and sherry, and took wine with +everybody--except Tibbs. No one ever thought of him. + +Between the fish and an intimated sirloin, there was a prolonged +interval. + +Here was an opportunity for Mr. Hicks. He could not resist the +singularly appropriate quotation-- + + 'But beef is rare within these oxless isles; + Goats' flesh there is, no doubt, and kid, and mutton, + And when a holiday upon them smiles, + A joint upon their barbarous spits they put on.' + +'Very ungentlemanly behaviour,' thought little Mrs. Tibbs, 'to talk in +that way.' + +'Ah,' said Mr. Calton, filling his glass. 'Tom Moore is my poet.' + +'And mine,' said Mrs. Maplesone. + +'And mine,' said Miss Julia. + +'And mine,' added Mr. Simpson. + +'Look at his compositions,' resumed the knocker. + +'To be sure,' said Simpson, with confidence. + +'Look at Don Juan,' replied Mr. Septimus Hicks. + +'Julia's letter,' suggested Miss Matilda. + +'Can anything be grander than the Fire Worshippers?' inquired Miss Julia. + +'To be sure,' said Simpson. + +'Or Paradise and the Peri,' said the old beau. + +'Yes; or Paradise and the Peer,' repeated Simpson, who thought he was +getting through it capitally. + +'It's all very well,' replied Mr. Septimus Hicks, who, as we have before +hinted, never had read anything but Don Juan. 'Where will you find +anything finer than the description of the siege, at the commencement of +the seventh canto?' + +'Talking of a siege,' said Tibbs, with a mouthful of bread--'when I was +in the volunteer corps, in eighteen hundred and six, our commanding +officer was Sir Charles Rampart; and one day, when we were exercising on +the ground on which the London University now stands, he says, says he, +Tibbs (calling me from the ranks), Tibbs--' + +'Tell your master, James,' interrupted Mrs. Tibbs, in an awfully distinct +tone, 'tell your master if he _won't_ carve those fowls, to send them to +me.' The discomfited volunteer instantly set to work, and carved the +fowls almost as expeditiously as his wife operated on the haunch of +mutton. Whether he ever finished the story is not known but, if he did, +nobody heard it. + +As the ice was now broken, and the new inmates more at home, every member +of the company felt more at ease. Tibbs himself most certainly did, +because he went to sleep immediately after dinner. Mr. Hicks and the +ladies discoursed most eloquently about poetry, and the theatres, and +Lord Chesterfield's Letters; and Mr. Calton followed up what everybody +said, with continuous double knocks. Mrs. Tibbs highly approved of every +observation that fell from Mrs. Maplesone; and as Mr. Simpson sat with a +smile upon his face and said 'Yes,' or 'Certainly,' at intervals of about +four minutes each, he received full credit for understanding what was +going forward. The gentlemen rejoined the ladies in the drawing-room +very shortly after they had left the dining-parlour. Mrs. Maplesone and +Mr. Calton played cribbage, and the 'young people' amused themselves with +music and conversation. The Miss Maplesones sang the most fascinating +duets, and accompanied themselves on guitars, ornamented with bits of +ethereal blue ribbon. Mr. Simpson put on a pink waistcoat, and said he +was in raptures; and Mr. Hicks felt in the seventh heaven of poetry or +the seventh canto of Don Juan--it was the same thing to him. Mrs. Tibbs +was quite charmed with the newcomers; and Mr. Tibbs spent the evening in +his usual way--he went to sleep, and woke up, and went to sleep again, +and woke at supper-time. + + * * * * * + +We are not about to adopt the licence of novel-writers, and to let 'years +roll on;' but we will take the liberty of requesting the reader to +suppose that six months have elapsed, since the dinner we have described, +and that Mrs. Tibbs's boarders have, during that period, sang, and +danced, and gone to theatres and exhibitions, together, as ladies and +gentlemen, wherever they board, often do. And we will beg them, the +period we have mentioned having elapsed, to imagine farther, that Mr. +Septimus Hicks received, in his own bedroom (a front attic), at an early +hour one morning, a note from Mr. Calton, requesting the favour of seeing +him, as soon as convenient to himself, in his (Calton's) dressing-room on +the second-floor back. + +'Tell Mr. Calton I'll come down directly,' said Mr. Septimus to the boy. +'Stop--is Mr. Calton unwell?' inquired this excited walker of hospitals, +as he put on a bed-furniture-looking dressing-gown. + +'Not as I knows on, sir,' replied the boy. ' Please, sir, he looked +rather rum, as it might be.' + +'Ah, that's no proof of his being ill,' returned Hicks, unconsciously. +'Very well: I'll be down directly.' Downstairs ran the boy with the +message, and down went the excited Hicks himself, almost as soon as the +message was delivered. 'Tap, tap.' 'Come in.'--Door opens, and +discovers Mr. Calton sitting in an easy chair. Mutual shakes of the hand +exchanged, and Mr. Septimus Hicks motioned to a seat. A short pause. +Mr. Hicks coughed, and Mr. Calton took a pinch of snuff. It was one of +those interviews where neither party knows what to say. Mr. Septimus +Hicks broke silence. + +'I received a note--' he said, very tremulously, in a voice like a Punch +with a cold. + +'Yes,' returned the other, 'you did.' + +'Exactly.' + +'Yes.' + +Now, although this dialogue must have been satisfactory, both gentlemen +felt there was something more important to be said; therefore they did as +most men in such a situation would have done--they looked at the table +with a determined aspect. The conversation had been opened, however, and +Mr. Calton had made up his mind to continue it with a regular double +knock. He always spoke very pompously. + +'Hicks,' said he, 'I have sent for you, in consequence of certain +arrangements which are pending in this house, connected with a marriage.' + +'With a marriage!' gasped Hicks, compared with whose expression of +countenance, Hamlet's, when he sees his father's ghost, is pleasing and +composed. + +'With a marriage,' returned the knocker. 'I have sent for you to prove +the great confidence I can repose in you.' + +'And will you betray me?' eagerly inquired Hicks, who in his alarm had +even forgotten to quote. + +'_I_ betray _you_! Won't _you_ betray_ me_?' + +'Never: no one shall know, to my dying day, that you had a hand in the +business,' responded the agitated Hicks, with an inflamed countenance, +and his hair standing on end as if he were on the stool of an +electrifying machine in full operation. + +'People must know that, some time or other--within a year, I imagine,' +said Mr. Calton, with an air of great self-complacency. 'We _may_ have +a family.' + +'_We_!--That won't affect you, surely?' + +'The devil it won't!' + +'No! how can it?' said the bewildered Hicks. Calton was too much +inwrapped in the contemplation of his happiness to see the equivoque +between Hicks and himself; and threw himself back in his chair. 'Oh, +Matilda!' sighed the antique beau, in a lack-a-daisical voice, and +applying his right hand a little to the left of the fourth button of his +waistcoat, counting from the bottom. 'Oh, Matilda!' + +'What Matilda?' inquired Hicks, starting up. + +'Matilda Maplesone,' responded the other, doing the same. + +'I marry her to-morrow morning,' said Hicks. + +'It's false,' rejoined his companion: 'I marry her!' + +'You marry her?' + +'I marry her!' + +'You marry Matilda Maplesone?' + +'Matilda Maplesone.' + +'_Miss_ Maplesone marry _you_?' + +'Miss Maplesone! No; Mrs. Maplesone.' + +'Good Heaven!' said Hicks, falling into his chair: 'You marry the mother, +and I the daughter!' + +'Most extraordinary circumstance!' replied Mr. Calton, 'and rather +inconvenient too; for the fact is, that owing to Matilda's wishing to +keep her intention secret from her daughters until the ceremony had taken +place, she doesn't like applying to any of her friends to give her away. +I entertain an objection to making the affair known to my acquaintance +just now; and the consequence is, that I sent to you to know whether +you'd oblige me by acting as father.' + +'I should have been most happy, I assure you,' said Hicks, in a tone of +condolence; 'but, you see, I shall be acting as bridegroom. One +character is frequently a consequence of the other; but it is not usual +to act in both at the same time. There's Simpson--I have no doubt he'll +do it for you.' + +'I don't like to ask him,' replied Calton, 'he's such a donkey.' + +Mr. Septimus Hicks looked up at the ceiling, and down at the floor; at +last an idea struck him. 'Let the man of the house, Tibbs, be the +father,' he suggested; and then he quoted, as peculiarly applicable to +Tibbs and the pair-- + + 'Oh Powers of Heaven! what dark eyes meets she there? + 'Tis--'tis her father's--fixed upon the pair.' + +'The idea has struck me already,' said Mr. Calton: 'but, you see, +Matilda, for what reason I know not, is very anxious that Mrs. Tibbs +should know nothing about it, till it's all over. It's a natural +delicacy, after all, you know.' + +'He's the best-natured little man in existence, if you manage him +properly,' said Mr. Septimus Hicks. 'Tell him not to mention it to his +wife, and assure him she won't mind it, and he'll do it directly. My +marriage is to be a secret one, on account of the mother and _my_ father; +therefore he must be enjoined to secrecy.' + +A small double knock, like a presumptuous single one, was that instant +heard at the street-door. It was Tibbs; it could be no one else; for no +one else occupied five minutes in rubbing his shoes. He had been out to +pay the baker's bill. + +'Mr. Tibbs,' called Mr. Calton in a very bland tone, looking over the +banisters. + +'Sir!' replied he of the dirty face. + +'Will you have the kindness to step up-stairs for a moment?' + +'Certainly, sir,' said Tibbs, delighted to be taken notice of. The +bedroom-door was carefully closed, and Tibbs, having put his hat on the +floor (as most timid men do), and been accommodated with a seat, looked +as astounded as if he were suddenly summoned before the familiars of the +Inquisition. + +'A rather unpleasant occurrence, Mr. Tibbs,' said Calton, in a very +portentous manner, 'obliges me to consult you, and to beg you will not +communicate what I am about to say, to your wife.' + +Tibbs acquiesced, wondering in his own mind what the deuce the other +could have done, and imagining that at least he must have broken the best +decanters. + +Mr. Calton resumed; 'I am placed, Mr. Tibbs, in rather an unpleasant +situation.' + +Tibbs looked at Mr. Septimus Hicks, as if he thought Mr. H.'s being in +the immediate vicinity of his fellow-boarder might constitute the +unpleasantness of his situation; but as he did not exactly know what to +say, he merely ejaculated the monosyllable 'Lor!' + +'Now,' continued the knocker, 'let me beg you will exhibit no +manifestations of surprise, which may be overheard by the domestics, when +I tell you--command your feelings of astonishment--that two inmates of +this house intend to be married to-morrow morning.' And he drew back his +chair, several feet, to perceive the effect of the unlooked-for +announcement. + +If Tibbs had rushed from the room, staggered down-stairs, and fainted in +the passage--if he had instantaneously jumped out of the window into the +mews behind the house, in an agony of surprise--his behaviour would have +been much less inexplicable to Mr. Calton than it was, when he put his +hands into his inexpressible-pockets, and said with a half-chuckle, 'Just +so.' + +'You are not surprised, Mr. Tibbs?' inquired Mr. Calton. + +'Bless you, no, sir,' returned Tibbs; 'after all, its very natural. When +two young people get together, you know--' + +'Certainly, certainly,' said Calton, with an indescribable air of +self-satisfaction. + +'You don't think it's at all an out-of-the-way affair then?' asked Mr. +Septimus Hicks, who had watched the countenance of Tibbs in mute +astonishment. + +'No, sir,' replied Tibbs; 'I was just the same at his age.' He actually +smiled when he said this. + +'How devilish well I must carry my years!' thought the delighted old +beau, knowing he was at least ten years older than Tibbs at that moment. + +'Well, then, to come to the point at once,' he continued, 'I have to ask +you whether you will object to act as father on the occasion?' + +'Certainly not,' replied Tibbs; still without evincing an atom of +surprise. + +'You will not?' + +'Decidedly not,' reiterated Tibbs, still as calm as a pot of porter with +the head off. + +Mr. Calton seized the hand of the petticoat-governed little man, and +vowed eternal friendship from that hour. Hicks, who was all admiration +and surprise, did the same. + +'Now, confess,' asked Mr. Calton of Tibbs, as he picked up his hat, 'were +you not a little surprised?' + +'I b'lieve you!' replied that illustrious person, holding up one hand; 'I +b'lieve you! When I first heard of it.' + +'So sudden,' said Septimus Hicks. + +'So strange to ask _me_, you know,' said Tibbs. + +'So odd altogether!' said the superannuated love-maker; and then all +three laughed. + +'I say,' said Tibbs, shutting the door which he had previously opened, +and giving full vent to a hitherto corked-up giggle, 'what bothers me is, +what _will_ his father say?' + +Mr. Septimus Hicks looked at Mr. Calton. + +'Yes; but the best of it is,' said the latter, giggling in his turn, 'I +haven't got a father--he! he! he!' + +'You haven't got a father. No; but _he_ has,' said Tibbs. + +'_Who_ has?' inquired Septimus Hicks. + +'Why, _him_.' + +'Him, who? Do you know my secret? Do you mean me?' + +'You! No; you know who I mean,' returned Tibbs with a knowing wink. + +'For Heaven's sake, whom do you mean?' inquired Mr. Calton, who, like +Septimus Hicks, was all but out of his senses at the strange confusion. + +'Why Mr. Simpson, of course,' replied Tibbs; 'who else could I mean?' + +'I see it all,' said the Byron-quoter; 'Simpson marries Julia Maplesone +to-morrow morning!' + +'Undoubtedly,' replied Tibbs, thoroughly satisfied, 'of course he does.' + +It would require the pencil of Hogarth to illustrate--our feeble pen is +inadequate to describe--the expression which the countenances of Mr. +Calton and Mr. Septimus Hicks respectively assumed, at this unexpected +announcement. Equally impossible is it to describe, although perhaps it +is easier for our lady readers to imagine, what arts the three ladies +could have used, so completely to entangle their separate partners. +Whatever they were, however, they were successful. The mother was +perfectly aware of the intended marriage of both daughters; and the young +ladies were equally acquainted with the intention of their estimable +parent. They agreed, however, that it would have a much better +appearance if each feigned ignorance of the other's engagement; and it +was equally desirable that all the marriages should take place on the +same day, to prevent the discovery of one clandestine alliance, operating +prejudicially on the others. Hence, the mystification of Mr. Calton and +Mr. Septimus Hicks, and the pre-engagement of the unwary Tibbs. + +On the following morning, Mr. Septimus Hicks was united to Miss Matilda +Maplesone. Mr. Simpson also entered into a 'holy alliance' with Miss +Julia; Tibbs acting as father, 'his first appearance in that character.' +Mr. Calton, not being quite so eager as the two young men, was rather +struck by the double discovery; and as he had found some difficulty in +getting any one to give the lady away, it occurred to him that the best +mode of obviating the inconvenience would be not to take her at all. The +lady, however, 'appealed,' as her counsel said on the trial of the cause, +_Maplesone_ v. _Calton_, for a breach of promise, 'with a broken heart, +to the outraged laws of her country.' She recovered damages to the +amount of 1,000_l._ which the unfortunate knocker was compelled to pay. +Mr. Septimus Hicks having walked the hospitals, took it into his head to +walk off altogether. His injured wife is at present residing with her +mother at Boulogne. Mr. Simpson, having the misfortune to lose his wife +six weeks after marriage (by her eloping with an officer during his +temporary sojourn in the Fleet Prison, in consequence of his inability to +discharge her little mantua-maker's bill), and being disinherited by his +father, who died soon afterwards, was fortunate enough to obtain a +permanent engagement at a fashionable haircutter's; hairdressing being a +science to which he had frequently directed his attention. In this +situation he had necessarily many opportunities of making himself +acquainted with the habits, and style of thinking, of the exclusive +portion of the nobility of this kingdom. To this fortunate circumstance +are we indebted for the production of those brilliant efforts of genius, +his fashionable novels, which so long as good taste, unsullied by +exaggeration, cant, and quackery, continues to exist, cannot fail to +instruct and amuse the thinking portion of the community. + +It only remains to add, that this complication of disorders completely +deprived poor Mrs. Tibbs of all her inmates, except the one whom she +could have best spared--her husband. That wretched little man returned +home, on the day of the wedding, in a state of partial intoxication; and, +under the influence of wine, excitement, and despair, actually dared to +brave the anger of his wife. Since that ill-fated hour he has constantly +taken his meals in the kitchen, to which apartment, it is understood, his +witticisms will be in future confined: a turn-up bedstead having been +conveyed there by Mrs. Tibbs's order for his exclusive accommodation. It +is possible that he will be enabled to finish, in that seclusion, his +story of the volunteers. + +The advertisement has again appeared in the morning papers. Results must +be reserved for another chapter. + + +CHAPTER THE SECOND. + + +'Well!' said little Mrs. Tibbs to herself, as she sat in the front +parlour of the Coram-street mansion one morning, mending a piece of +stair-carpet off the first Landings;--'Things have not turned out so +badly, either, and if I only get a favourable answer to the +advertisement, we shall be full again.' + +Mrs. Tibbs resumed her occupation of making worsted lattice-work in the +carpet, anxiously listening to the twopenny postman, who was hammering +his way down the street, at the rate of a penny a knock. The house was +as quiet as possible. There was only one low sound to be heard--it was +the unhappy Tibbs cleaning the gentlemen's boots in the back kitchen, and +accompanying himself with a buzzing noise, in wretched mockery of humming +a tune. + +The postman drew near the house. He paused--so did Mrs. Tibbs. A +knock--a bustle--a letter--post-paid. + + 'T. I. presents compt. to I. T. and T. I. begs To say that i see the + advertisement And she will Do Herself the pleasure of calling On you + at 12 o'clock to-morrow morning. + + 'T. I. as To apologise to I. T. for the shortness Of the notice But i + hope it will not unconvenience you. + + 'I remain yours Truly + 'Wednesday evening.' + +Little Mrs. Tibbs perused the document, over and over again; and the more +she read it, the more was she confused by the mixture of the first and +third person; the substitution of the 'i' for the 'T. I.;' and the +transition from the 'I. T.' to the 'You.' The writing looked like a +skein of thread in a tangle, and the note was ingeniously folded into a +perfect square, with the direction squeezed up into the right-hand +corner, as if it were ashamed of itself. The back of the epistle was +pleasingly ornamented with a large red wafer, which, with the addition of +divers ink-stains, bore a marvellous resemblance to a black beetle +trodden upon. One thing, however, was perfectly clear to the perplexed +Mrs. Tibbs. Somebody was to call at twelve. The drawing-room was +forthwith dusted for the third time that morning; three or four chairs +were pulled out of their places, and a corresponding number of books +carefully upset, in order that there might be a due absence of formality. +Down went the piece of stair-carpet before noticed, and up ran Mrs. Tibbs +'to make herself tidy.' + +The clock of New Saint Pancras Church struck twelve, and the Foundling, +with laudable politeness, did the same ten minutes afterwards, Saint +something else struck the quarter, and then there arrived a single lady +with a double knock, in a pelisse the colour of the interior of a damson +pie; a bonnet of the same, with a regular conservatory of artificial +flowers; a white veil, and a green parasol, with a cobweb border. + +The visitor (who was very fat and red-faced) was shown into the +drawing-room; Mrs. Tibbs presented herself, and the negotiation +commenced. + +'I called in consequence of an advertisement,' said the stranger, in a +voice as if she had been playing a set of Pan's pipes for a fortnight +without leaving off. + +'Yes!' said Mrs. Tibbs, rubbing her hands very slowly, and looking the +applicant full in the face--two things she always did on such occasions. + +'Money isn't no object whatever to me,' said the lady, 'so much as living +in a state of retirement and obtrusion.' + +Mrs. Tibbs, as a matter of course, acquiesced in such an exceedingly +natural desire. + +'I am constantly attended by a medical man,' resumed the pelisse wearer; +'I have been a shocking unitarian for some time--I, indeed, have had very +little peace since the death of Mr. Bloss.' + +Mrs. Tibbs looked at the relict of the departed Bloss, and thought he +must have had very little peace in his time. Of course she could not say +so; so she looked very sympathising. + +'I shall be a good deal of trouble to you,' said Mrs. Bloss; 'but, for +that trouble I am willing to pay. I am going through a course of +treatment which renders attention necessary. I have one mutton-chop in +bed at half-past eight, and another at ten, every morning.' + +Mrs. Tibbs, as in duty bound, expressed the pity she felt for anybody +placed in such a distressing situation; and the carnivorous Mrs. Bloss +proceeded to arrange the various preliminaries with wonderful despatch. +'Now mind,' said that lady, after terms were arranged; 'I am to have the +second-floor front, for my bed-room?' + +'Yes, ma'am.' + +'And you'll find room for my little servant Agnes?' + +'Oh! certainly.' + +'And I can have one of the cellars in the area for my bottled porter.' + +'With the greatest pleasure;--James shall get it ready for you by +Saturday.' + +'And I'll join the company at the breakfast-table on Sunday morning,' +said Mrs. Bloss. 'I shall get up on purpose.' + +'Very well,' returned Mrs. Tibbs, in her most amiable tone; for +satisfactory references had 'been given and required,' and it was quite +certain that the new-comer had plenty of money. 'It's rather singular,' +continued Mrs. Tibbs, with what was meant for a most bewitching smile, +'that we have a gentleman now with us, who is in a very delicate state of +health--a Mr. Gobler.--His apartment is the back drawing-room.' + +'The next room?' inquired Mrs. Bloss. + +'The next room,' repeated the hostess. + +'How very promiscuous!' ejaculated the widow. + +'He hardly ever gets up,' said Mrs. Tibbs in a whisper. + +'Lor!' cried Mrs. Bloss, in an equally low tone. + +'And when he is up,' said Mrs. Tibbs, 'we never can persuade him to go to +bed again.' + +'Dear me!' said the astonished Mrs. Bloss, drawing her chair nearer Mrs. +Tibbs. 'What is his complaint?' + +'Why, the fact is,' replied Mrs. Tibbs, with a most communicative air, +'he has no stomach whatever.' + +'No what?' inquired Mrs. Bloss, with a look of the most indescribable +alarm. + +'No stomach,' repeated Mrs. Tibbs, with a shake of the head. + +'Lord bless us! what an extraordinary case!' gasped Mrs. Bloss, as if she +understood the communication in its literal sense, and was astonished at +a gentleman without a stomach finding it necessary to board anywhere. + +'When I say he has no stomach,' explained the chatty little Mrs. Tibbs, +'I mean that his digestion is so much impaired, and his interior so +deranged, that his stomach is not of the least use to him;--in fact, it's +an inconvenience.' + +'Never heard such a case in my life!' exclaimed Mrs. Bloss. 'Why, he's +worse than I am.' + +'Oh, yes!' replied Mrs. Tibbs;--'certainly.' She said this with great +confidence, for the damson pelisse suggested that Mrs. Bloss, at all +events, was not suffering under Mr. Gobler's complaint. + +'You have quite incited my curiosity,' said Mrs. Bloss, as she rose to +depart. 'How I long to see him!' + +'He generally comes down, once a week,' replied Mrs. Tibbs; 'I dare say +you'll see him on Sunday.' With this consolatory promise Mrs. Bloss was +obliged to be contented. She accordingly walked slowly down the stairs, +detailing her complaints all the way; and Mrs. Tibbs followed her, +uttering an exclamation of compassion at every step. James (who looked +very gritty, for he was cleaning the knives) fell up the kitchen-stairs, +and opened the street-door; and, after mutual farewells, Mrs. Bloss +slowly departed, down the shady side of the street. + +It is almost superfluous to say, that the lady whom we have just shown +out at the street-door (and whom the two female servants are now +inspecting from the second-floor windows) was exceedingly vulgar, +ignorant, and selfish. Her deceased better-half had been an eminent +cork-cutter, in which capacity he had amassed a decent fortune. He had +no relative but his nephew, and no friend but his cook. The former had +the insolence one morning to ask for the loan of fifteen pounds; and, by +way of retaliation, he married the latter next day; he made a will +immediately afterwards, containing a burst of honest indignation against +his nephew (who supported himself and two sisters on 100_l._ a year), and +a bequest of his whole property to his wife. He felt ill after +breakfast, and died after dinner. There is a mantelpiece-looking tablet +in a civic parish church, setting forth his virtues, and deploring his +loss. He never dishonoured a bill, or gave away a halfpenny. + +The relict and sole executrix of this noble-minded man was an odd mixture +of shrewdness and simplicity, liberality and meanness. Bred up as she +had been, she knew no mode of living so agreeable as a boarding-house: +and having nothing to do, and nothing to wish for, she naturally imagined +she must be ill--an impression which was most assiduously promoted by her +medical attendant, Dr. Wosky, and her handmaid Agnes: both of whom, +doubtless for good reasons, encouraged all her extravagant notions. + +Since the catastrophe recorded in the last chapter, Mrs. Tibbs had been +very shy of young-lady boarders. Her present inmates were all lords of +the creation, and she availed herself of the opportunity of their +assemblage at the dinner-table, to announce the expected arrival of Mrs. +Bloss. The gentlemen received the communication with stoical +indifference, and Mrs. Tibbs devoted all her energies to prepare for the +reception of the valetudinarian. The second-floor front was scrubbed, +and washed, and flannelled, till the wet went through to the drawing-room +ceiling. Clean white counterpanes, and curtains, and napkins, +water-bottles as clear as crystal, blue jugs, and mahogany furniture, +added to the splendour, and increased the comfort, of the apartment. The +warming-pan was in constant requisition, and a fire lighted in the room +every day. The chattels of Mrs. Bloss were forwarded by instalments. +First, there came a large hamper of Guinness's stout, and an umbrella; +then, a train of trunks; then, a pair of clogs and a bandbox; then, an +easy chair with an air-cushion; then, a variety of suspicious-looking +packages; and--'though last not least'--Mrs. Bloss and Agnes: the latter +in a cherry-coloured merino dress, open-work stockings, and shoes with +sandals: like a disguised Columbine. + +The installation of the Duke of Wellington, as Chancellor of the +University of Oxford, was nothing, in point of bustle and turmoil, to the +installation of Mrs. Bloss in her new quarters. True, there was no +bright doctor of civil law to deliver a classical address on the +occasion; but there were several other old women present, who spoke quite +as much to the purpose, and understood themselves equally well. The +chop-eater was so fatigued with the process of removal that she declined +leaving her room until the following morning; so a mutton-chop, pickle, a +pill, a pint bottle of stout, and other medicines, were carried up-stairs +for her consumption. + +'Why, what _do_ you think, ma'am?' inquired the inquisitive Agnes of her +mistress, after they had been in the house some three hours; 'what _do_ +you think, ma'am? the lady of the house is married.' + +'Married!' said Mrs. Bloss, taking the pill and a draught of +Guinness--'married! Unpossible!' + +'She is indeed, ma'am,' returned the Columbine; 'and her husband, ma'am, +lives--he--he--he--lives in the kitchen, ma'am.' + +'In the kitchen!' + +'Yes, ma'am: and he--he--he--the housemaid says, he never goes into the +parlour except on Sundays; and that Ms. Tibbs makes him clean the +gentlemen's boots; and that he cleans the windows, too, sometimes; and +that one morning early, when he was in the front balcony cleaning the +drawing-room windows, he called out to a gentleman on the opposite side +of the way, who used to live here--"Ah! Mr. Calton, sir, how are you?"' +Here the attendant laughed till Mrs. Bloss was in serious apprehension of +her chuckling herself into a fit. + +'Well, I never!' said Mrs. Bloss. + +'Yes. And please, ma'am, the servants gives him gin-and-water sometimes; +and then he cries, and says he hates his wife and the boarders, and wants +to tickle them.' + +'Tickle the boarders!' exclaimed Mrs. Bloss, seriously alarmed. + +'No, ma'am, not the boarders, the servants.' + +'Oh, is that all!' said Mrs. Bloss, quite satisfied. + +'He wanted to kiss me as I came up the kitchen-stairs, just now,' said +Agnes, indignantly; 'but I gave it him--a little wretch!' + +This intelligence was but too true. A long course of snubbing and +neglect; his days spent in the kitchen, and his nights in the turn-up +bedstead, had completely broken the little spirit that the unfortunate +volunteer had ever possessed. He had no one to whom he could detail his +injuries but the servants, and they were almost of necessity his chosen +confidants. It is no less strange than true, however, that the little +weaknesses which he had incurred, most probably during his military +career, seemed to increase as his comforts diminished. He was actually a +sort of journeyman Giovanni of the basement story. + +The next morning, being Sunday, breakfast was laid in the front parlour +at ten o'clock. Nine was the usual time, but the family always +breakfasted an hour later on sabbath. Tibbs enrobed himself in his +Sunday costume--a black coat, and exceedingly short, thin trousers; with +a very large white waistcoat, white stockings and cravat, and Blucher +boots--and mounted to the parlour aforesaid. Nobody had come down, and +he amused himself by drinking the contents of the milkpot with a +teaspoon. + +A pair of slippers were heard descending the stairs. Tibbs flew to a +chair; and a stern-looking man, of about fifty, with very little hair on +his head, and a Sunday paper in his hand, entered the room. + +'Good morning, Mr. Evenson,' said Tibbs, very humbly, with something +between a nod and a bow. + +'How do you do, Mr. Tibbs?' replied he of the slippers, as he sat himself +down, and began to read his paper without saying another word. + +'Is Mr. Wisbottle in town to-day, do you know, sir?' inquired Tibbs, just +for the sake of saying something. + +'I should think he was,' replied the stern gentleman. 'He was whistling +"The Light Guitar," in the next room to mine, at five o'clock this +morning.' + +'He's very fond of whistling,' said Tibbs, with a slight smirk. + +'Yes--I ain't,' was the laconic reply. + +Mr. John Evenson was in the receipt of an independent income, arising +chiefly from various houses he owned in the different suburbs. He was +very morose and discontented. He was a thorough radical, and used to +attend a great variety of public meetings, for the express purpose of +finding fault with everything that was proposed. Mr. Wisbottle, on the +other hand, was a high Tory. He was a clerk in the Woods and Forests +Office, which he considered rather an aristocratic employment; he knew +the peerage by heart, and, could tell you, off-hand, where any +illustrious personage lived. He had a good set of teeth, and a capital +tailor. Mr. Evenson looked on all these qualifications with profound +contempt; and the consequence was that the two were always disputing, +much to the edification of the rest of the house. It should be added, +that, in addition to his partiality for whistling, Mr. Wisbottle had a +great idea of his singing powers. There were two other boarders, besides +the gentleman in the back drawing-room--Mr. Alfred Tomkins and Mr. +Frederick O'Bleary. Mr. Tomkins was a clerk in a wine-house; he was a +connoisseur in paintings, and had a wonderful eye for the picturesque. +Mr. O'Bleary was an Irishman, recently imported; he was in a perfectly +wild state; and had come over to England to be an apothecary, a clerk in +a government office, an actor, a reporter, or anything else that turned +up--he was not particular. He was on familiar terms with two small Irish +members, and got franks for everybody in the house. He felt convinced +that his intrinsic merits must procure him a high destiny. He wore +shepherd's-plaid inexpressibles, and used to look under all the ladies' +bonnets as he walked along the streets. His manners and appearance +reminded one of Orson. + +'Here comes Mr. Wisbottle,' said Tibbs; and Mr. Wisbottle forthwith +appeared in blue slippers, and a shawl dressing-gown, whistling '_Di +piacer_.' + +'Good morning, sir,' said Tibbs again. It was almost the only thing he +ever said to anybody. + +'How are you, Tibbs?' condescendingly replied the amateur; and he walked +to the window, and whistled louder than ever. + +'Pretty air, that!' said Evenson, with a snarl, and without taking his +eyes off the paper. + +'Glad you like it,' replied Wisbottle, highly gratified. + +'Don't you think it would sound better, if you whistled it a little +louder?' inquired the mastiff. + +'No; I don't think it would,' rejoined the unconscious Wisbottle. + +'I'll tell you what, Wisbottle,' said Evenson, who had been bottling up +his anger for some hours--'the next time you feel disposed to whistle +"The Light Guitar" at five o'clock in the morning, I'll trouble you to +whistle it with your head out o' window. If you don't, I'll learn the +triangle--I will, by--' + +The entrance of Mrs. Tibbs (with the keys in a little basket) interrupted +the threat, and prevented its conclusion. + +Mrs. Tibbs apologised for being down rather late; the bell was rung; +James brought up the urn, and received an unlimited order for dry toast +and bacon. Tibbs sat down at the bottom of the table, and began eating +water-cresses like a Nebuchadnezzar. Mr. O'Bleary appeared, and Mr. +Alfred Tomkins. The compliments of the morning were exchanged, and the +tea was made. + +'God bless me!' exclaimed Tomkins, who had been looking out at the +window. 'Here--Wisbottle--pray come here--make haste.' + +Mr. Wisbottle started from the table, and every one looked up. + +'Do you see,' said the connoisseur, placing Wisbottle in the right +position--'a little more this way: there--do you see how splendidly the +light falls upon the left side of that broken chimney-pot at No. 48?' + +'Dear me! I see,' replied Wisbottle, in a tone of admiration. + +'I never saw an object stand out so beautifully against the clear sky in +my life,' ejaculated Alfred. Everybody (except John Evenson) echoed the +sentiment; for Mr. Tomkins had a great character for finding out beauties +which no one else could discover--he certainly deserved it. + +'I have frequently observed a chimney-pot in College-green, Dublin, which +has a much better effect,' said the patriotic O'Bleary, who never allowed +Ireland to be outdone on any point. + +The assertion was received with obvious incredulity, for Mr. Tomkins +declared that no other chimney-pot in the United Kingdom, broken or +unbroken, could be so beautiful as the one at No. 48. + +The room-door was suddenly thrown open, and Agnes appeared, leading in +Mrs. Bloss, who was dressed in a geranium-coloured muslin gown, and +displayed a gold watch of huge dimensions; a chain to match; and a +splendid assortment of rings, with enormous stones. A general rush was +made for a chair, and a regular introduction took place. Mr. John +Evenson made a slight inclination of the head; Mr. Frederick O'Bleary, +Mr. Alfred Tomkins, and Mr. Wisbottle, bowed like the mandarins in a +grocer's shop; Tibbs rubbed hands, and went round in circles. He was +observed to close one eye, and to assume a clock-work sort of expression +with the other; this has been considered as a wink, and it has been +reported that Agnes was its object. We repel the calumny, and challenge +contradiction. + +Mrs. Tibbs inquired after Mrs. Bloss's health in a low tone. Mrs. Bloss, +with a supreme contempt for the memory of Lindley Murray, answered the +various questions in a most satisfactory manner; and a pause ensued, +during which the eatables disappeared with awful rapidity. + +'You must have been very much pleased with the appearance of the ladies +going to the Drawing-room the other day, Mr. O'Bleary?' said Mrs. Tibbs, +hoping to start a topic. + +'Yes,' replied Orson, with a mouthful of toast. + +'Never saw anything like it before, I suppose?' suggested Wisbottle. + +'No--except the Lord Lieutenant's levees,' replied O'Bleary. + +'Are they at all equal to our drawing-rooms?' + +'Oh, infinitely superior!' + +'Gad! I don't know,' said the aristocratic Wisbottle, 'the Dowager +Marchioness of Publiccash was most magnificently dressed, and so was the +Baron Slappenbachenhausen.' + +'What was he presented on?' inquired Evenson. + +'On his arrival in England.' + +'I thought so,' growled the radical; 'you never hear of these fellows +being presented on their going away again. They know better than that.' + +'Unless somebody pervades them with an apintment,' said Mrs. Bloss, +joining in the conversation in a faint voice. + +'Well,' said Wisbottle, evading the point, 'it's a splendid sight.' + +'And did it never occur to you,' inquired the radical, who never would be +quiet; 'did it never occur to you, that you pay for these precious +ornaments of society?' + +'It certainly _has_ occurred to me,' said Wisbottle, who thought this +answer was a poser; 'it _has_ occurred to me, and I am willing to pay for +them.' + +'Well, and it has occurred to me too,' replied John Evenson, 'and I ain't +willing to pay for 'em. Then why should I?--I say, why should I?' +continued the politician, laying down the paper, and knocking his +knuckles on the table. 'There are two great principles--demand--' + +'A cup of tea if you please, dear,' interrupted Tibbs. + +'And supply--' + +'May I trouble you to hand this tea to Mr. Tibbs?' said Mrs. Tibbs, +interrupting the argument, and unconsciously illustrating it. + +The thread of the orator's discourse was broken. He drank his tea and +resumed the paper. + +'If it's very fine,' said Mr. Alfred Tomkins, addressing the company in +general, 'I shall ride down to Richmond to-day, and come back by the +steamer. There are some splendid effects of light and shade on the +Thames; the contrast between the blueness of the sky and the yellow water +is frequently exceedingly beautiful.' Mr. Wisbottle hummed, 'Flow on, +thou shining river.' + +'We have some splendid steam-vessels in Ireland,' said O'Bleary. + +'Certainly,' said Mrs. Bloss, delighted to find a subject broached in +which she could take part. + +'The accommodations are extraordinary,' said O'Bleary. + +'Extraordinary indeed,' returned Mrs. Bloss. 'When Mr. Bloss was alive, +he was promiscuously obligated to go to Ireland on business. I went with +him, and raly the manner in which the ladies and gentlemen were +accommodated with berths, is not creditable.' + +Tibbs, who had been listening to the dialogue, looked aghast, and evinced +a strong inclination to ask a question, but was checked by a look from +his wife. Mr. Wisbottle laughed, and said Tomkins had made a pun; and +Tomkins laughed too, and said he had not. + +The remainder of the meal passed off as breakfasts usually do. +Conversation flagged, and people played with their teaspoons. The +gentlemen looked out at the window; walked about the room; and, when they +got near the door, dropped off one by one. Tibbs retired to the back +parlour by his wife's orders, to check the green-grocer's weekly account; +and ultimately Mrs. Tibbs and Mrs. Bloss were left alone together. + +'Oh dear!' said the latter, 'I feel alarmingly faint; it's very +singular.' (It certainly was, for she had eaten four pounds of solids +that morning.) 'By-the-bye,' said Mrs. Bloss, 'I have not seen Mr. +What's-his-name yet.' + +'Mr. Gobler?' suggested Mrs. Tibbs. + +'Yes.' + +'Oh!' said Mrs. Tibbs, 'he is a most mysterious person. He has his meals +regularly sent up-stairs, and sometimes don't leave his room for weeks +together.' + +'I haven't seen or heard nothing of him,' repeated Mrs. Bloss. + +'I dare say you'll hear him to-night,' replied Mrs. Tibbs; 'he generally +groans a good deal on Sunday evenings.' + +'I never felt such an interest in any one in my life,' ejaculated Mrs. +Bloss. A little double-knock interrupted the conversation; Dr. Wosky was +announced, and duly shown in. He was a little man with a red +face--dressed of course in black, with a stiff white neckerchief. He had +a very good practice, and plenty of money, which he had amassed by +invariably humouring the worst fancies of all the females of all the +families he had ever been introduced into. Mrs. Tibbs offered to retire, +but was entreated to stay. + +'Well, my dear ma'am, and how are we?' inquired Wosky, in a soothing +tone. + +'Very ill, doctor--very ill,' said Mrs. Bloss, in a whisper + +'Ah! we must take care of ourselves;--we must, indeed,' said the +obsequious Wosky, as he felt the pulse of his interesting patient. + +'How is our appetite?' + +Mrs. Bloss shook her head. + +'Our friend requires great care,' said Wosky, appealing to Mrs. Tibbs, +who of course assented. 'I hope, however, with the blessing of +Providence, that we shall be enabled to make her quite stout again.' +Mrs. Tibbs wondered in her own mind what the patient would be when she +was made quite stout. + +'We must take stimulants,' said the cunning Wosky--'plenty of +nourishment, and, above all, we must keep our nerves quiet; we positively +must not give way to our sensibilities. We must take all we can get,' +concluded the doctor, as he pocketed his fee, 'and we must keep quiet.' + +'Dear man!' exclaimed Mrs. Bloss, as the doctor stepped into the +carriage. + +'Charming creature indeed--quite a lady's man!' said Mrs. Tibbs, and Dr. +Wosky rattled away to make fresh gulls of delicate females, and pocket +fresh fees. + +As we had occasion, in a former paper, to describe a dinner at Mrs. +Tibbs's; and as one meal went off very like another on all ordinary +occasions; we will not fatigue our readers by entering into any other +detailed account of the domestic economy of the establishment. We will +therefore proceed to events, merely premising that the mysterious tenant +of the back drawing-room was a lazy, selfish hypochondriac; always +complaining and never ill. As his character in many respects closely +assimilated to that of Mrs. Bloss, a very warm friendship soon sprung up +between them. He was tall, thin, and pale; he always fancied he had a +severe pain somewhere or other, and his face invariably wore a pinched, +screwed-up expression; he looked, indeed, like a man who had got his feet +in a tub of exceedingly hot water, against his will. + +For two or three months after Mrs. Bloss's first appearance in +Coram-street, John Evenson was observed to become, every day, more +sarcastic and more ill-natured; and there was a degree of additional +importance in his manner, which clearly showed that he fancied he had +discovered something, which he only wanted a proper opportunity of +divulging. He found it at last. + +One evening, the different inmates of the house were assembled in the +drawing-room engaged in their ordinary occupations. Mr. Gobler and Mrs. +Bloss were sitting at a small card-table near the centre window, playing +cribbage; Mr. Wisbottle was describing semicircles on the music-stool, +turning over the leaves of a book on the piano, and humming most +melodiously; Alfred Tomkins was sitting at the round table, with his +elbows duly squared, making a pencil sketch of a head considerably larger +than his own; O'Bleary was reading Horace, and trying to look as if he +understood it; and John Evenson had drawn his chair close to Mrs. Tibbs's +work-table, and was talking to her very earnestly in a low tone. + +'I can assure you, Mrs. Tibbs,' said the radical, laying his forefinger +on the muslin she was at work on; 'I can assure you, Mrs. Tibbs, that +nothing but the interest I take in your welfare would induce me to make +this communication. I repeat, I fear Wisbottle is endeavouring to gain +the affections of that young woman, Agnes, and that he is in the habit of +meeting her in the store-room on the first floor, over the leads. From +my bedroom I distinctly heard voices there, last night. I opened my door +immediately, and crept very softly on to the landing; there I saw Mr. +Tibbs, who, it seems, had been disturbed also.--Bless me, Mrs. Tibbs, you +change colour!' + +'No, no--it's nothing,' returned Mrs. T. in a hurried manner; 'it's only +the heat of the room.' + +'A flush!' ejaculated Mrs. Bloss from the card-table; 'that's good for +four.' + +'If I thought it was Mr. Wisbottle,' said Mrs. Tibbs, after a pause, 'he +should leave this house instantly.' + +'Go!' said Mrs. Bloss again. + +'And if I thought,' continued the hostess with a most threatening air, +'if I thought he was assisted by Mr. Tibbs--' + +'One for his nob!' said Gobler. + +'Oh,' said Evenson, in a most soothing tone--he liked to make +mischief--'I should hope Mr. Tibbs was not in any way implicated. He +always appeared to me very harmless.' + +'I have generally found him so,' sobbed poor little Mrs. Tibbs; crying +like a watering-pot. + +'Hush! hush! pray--Mrs. Tibbs--consider--we shall be observed--pray, +don't!' said John Evenson, fearing his whole plan would be interrupted. +'We will set the matter at rest with the utmost care, and I shall be most +happy to assist you in doing so.' Mrs. Tibbs murmured her thanks. + +'When you think every one has retired to rest to-night,' said Evenson +very pompously, 'if you'll meet me without a light, just outside my +bedroom door, by the staircase window, I think we can ascertain who the +parties really are, and you will afterwards be enabled to proceed as you +think proper.' + +Mrs. Tibbs was easily persuaded; her curiosity was excited, her jealousy +was roused, and the arrangement was forthwith made. She resumed her +work, and John Evenson walked up and down the room with his hands in his +pockets, looking as if nothing had happened. The game of cribbage was +over, and conversation began again. + +'Well, Mr. O'Bleary,' said the humming-top, turning round on his pivot, +and facing the company, 'what did you think of Vauxhall the other night?' + +'Oh, it's very fair,' replied Orson, who had been enthusiastically +delighted with the whole exhibition. + +'Never saw anything like that Captain Ross's set-out--eh?' + +'No,' returned the patriot, with his usual reservation--'except in +Dublin.' + +'I saw the Count de Canky and Captain Fitzthompson in the Gardens,' said +Wisbottle; 'they appeared much delighted.' + +'Then it _must_ be beautiful,' snarled Evenson. + +'I think the white bears is partickerlerly well done,' suggested Mrs. +Bloss. 'In their shaggy white coats, they look just like Polar +bears--don't you think they do, Mr. Evenson?' + +'I think they look a great deal more like omnibus cads on all fours,' +replied the discontented one. + +'Upon the whole, I should have liked our evening very well,' gasped +Gobler; 'only I caught a desperate cold which increased my pain +dreadfully! I was obliged to have several shower-baths, before I could +leave my room.' + +'Capital things those shower-baths!' ejaculated Wisbottle. + +'Excellent!' said Tomkins. + +'Delightful!' chimed in O'Bleary. (He had once seen one, outside a +tinman's.) + +'Disgusting machines!' rejoined Evenson, who extended his dislike to +almost every created object, masculine, feminine, or neuter. + +'Disgusting, Mr. Evenson!' said Gobler, in a tone of strong +indignation.--'Disgusting! Look at their utility--consider how many +lives they have saved by promoting perspiration.' + +'Promoting perspiration, indeed,' growled John Evenson, stopping short in +his walk across the large squares in the pattern of the carpet--'I was +ass enough to be persuaded some time ago to have one in my bedroom. +'Gad, I was in it once, and it effectually cured _me_, for the mere sight +of it threw me into a profuse perspiration for six months afterwards.' + +A titter followed this announcement, and before it had subsided James +brought up 'the tray,' containing the remains of a leg of lamb which had +made its _debut_ at dinner; bread; cheese; an atom of butter in a forest +of parsley; one pickled walnut and the third of another; and so forth. +The boy disappeared, and returned again with another tray, containing +glasses and jugs of hot and cold water. The gentlemen brought in their +spirit-bottles; the housemaid placed divers plated bedroom candlesticks +under the card-table; and the servants retired for the night. + +Chairs were drawn round the table, and the conversation proceeded in the +customary manner. John Evenson, who never ate supper, lolled on the +sofa, and amused himself by contradicting everybody. O'Bleary ate as +much as he could conveniently carry, and Mrs. Tibbs felt a due degree of +indignation thereat; Mr. Gobler and Mrs. Bloss conversed most +affectionately on the subject of pill-taking, and other innocent +amusements; and Tomkins and Wisbottle 'got into an argument;' that is to +say, they both talked very loudly and vehemently, each flattering himself +that he had got some advantage about something, and neither of them +having more than a very indistinct idea of what they were talking about. +An hour or two passed away; and the boarders and the plated candlesticks +retired in pairs to their respective bedrooms. John Evenson pulled off +his boots, locked his door, and determined to sit up until Mr. Gobler had +retired. He always sat in the drawing-room an hour after everybody else +had left it, taking medicine, and groaning. + +Great Coram-street was hushed into a state of profound repose: it was +nearly two o'clock. A hackney-coach now and then rumbled slowly by; and +occasionally some stray lawyer's clerk, on his way home to Somers-town, +struck his iron heel on the top of the coal-cellar with a noise +resembling the click of a smoke-Jack. A low, monotonous, gushing sound +was heard, which added considerably to the romantic dreariness of the +scene. It was the water 'coming in' at number eleven. + +'He must be asleep by this time,' said John Evenson to himself, after +waiting with exemplary patience for nearly an hour after Mr. Gobler had +left the drawing-room. He listened for a few moments; the house was +perfectly quiet; he extinguished his rushlight, and opened his bedroom +door. The staircase was so dark that it was impossible to see anything. + +'S-s-s!' whispered the mischief-maker, making a noise like the first +indication a catherine-wheel gives of the probability of its going off. + +'Hush!' whispered somebody else. + +'Is that you, Mrs. Tibbs?' + +'Yes, sir.' + +'Where?' + +'Here;' and the misty outline of Mrs. Tibbs appeared at the staircase +window, like the ghost of Queen Anne in the tent scene in Richard. + +'This way, Mrs. Tibbs,' whispered the delighted busybody: 'give me your +hand--there! Whoever these people are, they are in the store-room now, +for I have been looking down from my window, and I could see that they +accidentally upset their candlestick, and are now in darkness. You have +no shoes on, have you?' + +'No,' said little Mrs. Tibbs, who could hardly speak for trembling. + +'Well; I have taken my boots off, so we can go down, close to the +store-room door, and listen over the banisters;' and down-stairs they +both crept accordingly, every board creaking like a patent mangle on a +Saturday afternoon. + +'It's Wisbottle and somebody, I'll swear,' exclaimed the radical in an +energetic whisper, when they had listened for a few moments. + +'Hush--pray let's hear what they say!' exclaimed Mrs. Tibbs, the +gratification of whose curiosity was now paramount to every other +consideration. + +'Ah! if I could but believe you,' said a female voice coquettishly, 'I'd +be bound to settle my missis for life.' + +'What does she say?' inquired Mr. Evenson, who was not quite so well +situated as his companion. + +'She says she'll settle her missis's life,' replied Mrs. Tibbs. 'The +wretch! they're plotting murder.' + +'I know you want money,' continued the voice, which belonged to Agnes; +'and if you'd secure me the five hundred pound, I warrant she should take +fire soon enough.' + +'What's that?' inquired Evenson again. He could just hear enough to want +to hear more. + +'I think she says she'll set the house on fire,' replied the affrighted +Mrs. Tibbs. 'But thank God I'm insured in the Phoenix!' + +'The moment I have secured your mistress, my dear,' said a man's voice in +a strong Irish brogue, 'you may depend on having the money.' + +'Bless my soul, it's Mr. O'Bleary!' exclaimed Mrs. Tibbs, in a +parenthesis. + +'The villain!' said the indignant Mr. Evenson. + +'The first thing to be done,' continued the Hibernian, 'is to poison Mr. +Gobler's mind.' + +'Oh, certainly,' returned Agnes. + +'What's that?' inquired Evenson again, in an agony of curiosity and a +whisper. + +'He says she's to mind and poison Mr. Gobler,' replied Mrs. Tibbs, aghast +at this sacrifice of human life. + +'And in regard of Mrs. Tibbs,' continued O'Bleary.--Mrs. Tibbs shuddered. + +'Hush!' exclaimed Agnes, in a tone of the greatest alarm, just as Mrs. +Tibbs was on the extreme verge of a fainting fit. 'Hush!' + +'Hush!' exclaimed Evenson, at the same moment to Mrs. Tibbs. + +'There's somebody coming _up_-stairs,' said Agnes to O'Bleary. + +'There's somebody coming _down_-stairs,' whispered Evenson to Mrs. Tibbs. + +'Go into the parlour, sir,' said Agnes to her companion. 'You will get +there, before whoever it is, gets to the top of the kitchen stairs.' + +'The drawing-room, Mrs. Tibbs!' whispered the astonished Evenson to his +equally astonished companion; and for the drawing-room they both made, +plainly hearing the rustling of two persons, one coming down-stairs, and +one coming up. + +'What can it be?' exclaimed Mrs. Tibbs. 'It's like a dream. I wouldn't +be found in this situation for the world!' + +'Nor I,' returned Evenson, who could never bear a joke at his own +expense. 'Hush! here they are at the door.' + +'What fun!' whispered one of the new-comers.--It was Wisbottle. + +'Glorious!' replied his companion, in an equally low tone.--This was +Alfred Tomkins. 'Who would have thought it?' + +'I told you so,' said Wisbottle, in a most knowing whisper. 'Lord bless +you, he has paid her most extraordinary attention for the last two +months. I saw 'em when I was sitting at the piano to-night.' + +'Well, do you know I didn't notice it?' interrupted Tomkins. + +'Not notice it!' continued Wisbottle. 'Bless you; I saw him whispering +to her, and she crying; and then I'll swear I heard him say something +about to-night when we were all in bed.' + +'They're talking of _us_!' exclaimed the agonised Mrs. Tibbs, as the +painful suspicion, and a sense of their situation, flashed upon her mind. + +'I know it--I know it,' replied Evenson, with a melancholy consciousness +that there was no mode of escape. + +'What's to be done? we cannot both stop here!' ejaculated Mrs. Tibbs, in +a state of partial derangement. + +'I'll get up the chimney,' replied Evenson, who really meant what he +said. + +'You can't,' said Mrs. Tibbs, in despair. 'You can't--it's a register +stove.' + +'Hush!' repeated John Evenson. + +'Hush--hush!' cried somebody down-stairs. + +'What a d-d hushing!' said Alfred Tomkins, who began to get rather +bewildered. + +'There they are!' exclaimed the sapient Wisbottle, as a rustling noise +was heard in the store-room. + +'Hark!' whispered both the young men. + +'Hark!' repeated Mrs. Tibbs and Evenson. + +'Let me alone, sir,' said a female voice in the store-room. + +'Oh, Hagnes!' cried another voice, which clearly belonged to Tibbs, for +nobody else ever owned one like it, 'Oh, Hagnes--lovely creature!' + +'Be quiet, sir!' (A bounce.) + +'Hag--' + +'Be quiet, sir--I am ashamed of you. Think of your wife, Mr. Tibbs. Be +quiet, sir!' + +'My wife!' exclaimed the valorous Tibbs, who was clearly under the +influence of gin-and-water, and a misplaced attachment; 'I ate her! Oh, +Hagnes! when I was in the volunteer corps, in eighteen hundred and--' + +'I declare I'll scream. Be quiet, sir, will you?' (Another bounce and a +scuffle.) + +'What's that?' exclaimed Tibbs, with a start. + +'What's what?' said Agnes, stopping short. + +'Why that!' + +'Ah! you have done it nicely now, sir,' sobbed the frightened Agnes, as a +tapping was heard at Mrs. Tibbs's bedroom door, which would have beaten +any dozen woodpeckers hollow. + +'Mrs. Tibbs! Mrs. Tibbs!' called out Mrs. Bloss. 'Mrs. Tibbs, pray get +up.' (Here the imitation of a woodpecker was resumed with tenfold +violence.) + +'Oh, dear--dear!' exclaimed the wretched partner of the depraved Tibbs. +'She's knocking at my door. We must be discovered! What will they +think?' + +'Mrs. Tibbs! Mrs. Tibbs!' screamed the woodpecker again. + +'What's the matter!' shouted Gobler, bursting out of the back +drawing-room, like the dragon at Astley's. + +'Oh, Mr. Gobler!' cried Mrs. Bloss, with a proper approximation to +hysterics; 'I think the house is on fire, or else there's thieves in it. +I have heard the most dreadful noises!' + +'The devil you have!' shouted Gobler again, bouncing back into his den, +in happy imitation of the aforesaid dragon, and returning immediately +with a lighted candle. 'Why, what's this? Wisbottle! Tomkins! +O'Bleary! Agnes! What the deuce! all up and dressed?' + +'Astonishing!' said Mrs. Bloss, who had run down-stairs, and taken Mr. +Gobler's arm. + +'Call Mrs. Tibbs directly, somebody,' said Gobler, turning into the front +drawing-room.--'What! Mrs. Tibbs and Mr. Evenson!!' + +'Mrs. Tibbs and Mr. Evenson!' repeated everybody, as that unhappy pair +were discovered: Mrs. Tibbs seated in an arm-chair by the fireplace, and +Mr. Evenson standing by her side. + +We must leave the scene that ensued to the reader's imagination. We +could tell, how Mrs. Tibbs forthwith fainted away, and how it required +the united strength of Mr. Wisbottle and Mr. Alfred Tomkins to hold her +in her chair; how Mr. Evenson explained, and how his explanation was +evidently disbelieved; how Agnes repelled the accusations of Mrs. Tibbs +by proving that she was negotiating with Mr. O'Bleary to influence her +mistress's affections in his behalf; and how Mr. Gobler threw a damp +counterpane on the hopes of Mr. O'Bleary by avowing that he (Gobler) had +already proposed to, and been accepted by, Mrs. Bloss; how Agnes was +discharged from that lady's service; how Mr. O'Bleary discharged himself +from Mrs. Tibbs's house, without going through the form of previously +discharging his bill; and how that disappointed young gentleman rails +against England and the English, and vows there is no virtue or fine +feeling extant, 'except in Ireland.' We repeat that we _could_ tell all +this, but we love to exercise our self-denial, and we therefore prefer +leaving it to be imagined. + +The lady whom we have hitherto described as Mrs. Bloss, is no more. Mrs. +Gobler exists: Mrs. Bloss has left us for ever. In a secluded retreat in +Newington Butts, far, far removed from the noisy strife of that great +boarding-house, the world, the enviable Gobler and his pleasing wife +revel in retirement: happy in their complaints, their table, and their +medicine, wafted through life by the grateful prayers of all the +purveyors of animal food within three miles round. + +We would willingly stop here, but we have a painful duty imposed upon us, +which we must discharge. Mr. and Mrs. Tibbs have separated by mutual +consent, Mrs. Tibbs receiving one moiety of 43_l._ 15_s._ 10_d._, which +we before stated to be the amount of her husband's annual income, and Mr. +Tibbs the other. He is spending the evening of his days in retirement; +and he is spending also, annually, that small but honourable +independence. He resides among the original settlers at Walworth; and it +has been stated, on unquestionable authority, that the conclusion of the +volunteer story has been heard in a small tavern in that respectable +neighbourhood. + +The unfortunate Mrs. Tibbs has determined to dispose of the whole of her +furniture by public auction, and to retire from a residence in which she +has suffered so much. Mr. Robins has been applied to, to conduct the +sale, and the transcendent abilities of the literary gentlemen connected +with his establishment are now devoted to the task of drawing up the +preliminary advertisement. It is to contain, among a variety of +brilliant matter, seventy-eight words in large capitals, and six original +quotations in inverted commas. + + + +CHAPTER II--MR. MINNS AND HIS COUSIN + + +Mr. Augustus Minns was a bachelor, of about forty as he said--of about +eight-and-forty as his friends said. He was always exceedingly clean, +precise, and tidy; perhaps somewhat priggish, and the most retiring man +in the world. He usually wore a brown frock-coat without a wrinkle, +light inexplicables without a spot, a neat neckerchief with a remarkably +neat tie, and boots without a fault; moreover, he always carried a brown +silk umbrella with an ivory handle. He was a clerk in Somerset-house, +or, as he said himself, he held 'a responsible situation under +Government.' He had a good and increasing salary, in addition to some +10,000_l._ of his own (invested in the funds), and he occupied a first +floor in Tavistock-street, Covent-garden, where he had resided for twenty +years, having been in the habit of quarrelling with his landlord the +whole time: regularly giving notice of his intention to quit on the first +day of every quarter, and as regularly countermanding it on the second. +There were two classes of created objects which he held in the deepest +and most unmingled horror; these were dogs, and children. He was not +unamiable, but he could, at any time, have viewed the execution of a dog, +or the assassination of an infant, with the liveliest satisfaction. +Their habits were at variance with his love of order; and his love of +order was as powerful as his love of life. Mr. Augustus Minns had no +relations, in or near London, with the exception of his cousin, Mr. +Octavius Budden, to whose son, whom he had never seen (for he disliked +the father), he had consented to become godfather by proxy. Mr. Budden +having realised a moderate fortune by exercising the trade or calling of +a corn-chandler, and having a great predilection for the country, had +purchased a cottage in the vicinity of Stamford-hill, whither he retired +with the wife of his bosom, and his only son, Master Alexander Augustus +Budden. One evening, as Mr. and Mrs. B. were admiring their son, +discussing his various merits, talking over his education, and disputing +whether the classics should be made an essential part thereof, the lady +pressed so strongly upon her husband the propriety of cultivating the +friendship of Mr. Minns in behalf of their son, that Mr. Budden at last +made up his mind, that it should not be his fault if he and his cousin +were not in future more intimate. + +'I'll break the ice, my love,' said Mr. Budden, stirring up the sugar at +the bottom of his glass of brandy-and-water, and casting a sidelong look +at his spouse to see the effect of the announcement of his determination, +'by asking Minns down to dine with us, on Sunday.' + +'Then pray, Budden, write to your cousin at once,' replied Mrs. Budden. +'Who knows, if we could only get him down here, but he might take a fancy +to our Alexander, and leave him his property?--Alick, my dear, take your +legs off the rail of the chair!' + +'Very true,' said Mr. Budden, musing, 'very true indeed, my love!' On +the following morning, as Mr. Minns was sitting at his breakfast-table, +alternately biting his dry toast and casting a look upon the columns of +his morning paper, which he always read from the title to the printer's +name, he heard a loud knock at the street-door; which was shortly +afterwards followed by the entrance of his servant, who put into his +hands a particularly small card, on which was engraven in immense +letters, 'Mr. Octavius Budden, Amelia Cottage (Mrs. B.'s name was +Amelia), Poplar-walk, Stamford-hill.' + +'Budden!' ejaculated Minns, 'what can bring that vulgar man here!--say +I'm asleep--say I'm out, and shall never be home again--anything to keep +him down-stairs.' + +'But please, sir, the gentleman's coming up,' replied the servant, and +the fact was made evident, by an appalling creaking of boots on the +staircase accompanied by a pattering noise; the cause of which, Minns +could not, for the life of him, divine. + +'Hem--show the gentleman in,' said the unfortunate bachelor. Exit +servant, and enter Octavius preceded by a large white dog, dressed in a +suit of fleecy hosiery, with pink eyes, large ears, and no perceptible +tail. + +The cause of the pattering on the stairs was but too plain. Mr. Augustus +Minns staggered beneath the shock of the dog's appearance. + +'My dear fellow, how are you?' said Budden, as he entered. + +He always spoke at the top of his voice, and always said the same thing +half-a-dozen times. + +'How are you, my hearty?' + +'How do you do, Mr. Budden?--pray take a chair!' politely stammered the +discomfited Minns. + +'Thank you--thank you--well--how are you, eh?' + +'Uncommonly well, thank you,' said Minns, casting a diabolical look at +the dog, who, with his hind legs on the floor, and his fore paws resting +on the table, was dragging a bit of bread and butter out of a plate, +preparatory to devouring it, with the buttered side next the carpet. + +'Ah, you rogue!' said Budden to his dog; 'you see, Minns, he's like me, +always at home, eh, my boy!--Egad, I'm precious hot and hungry! I've +walked all the way from Stamford-hill this morning.' + +'Have you breakfasted?' inquired Minns. + +'Oh, no!--came to breakfast with you; so ring the bell, my dear fellow, +will you? and let's have another cup and saucer, and the cold ham.--Make +myself at home, you see!' continued Budden, dusting his boots with a +table-napkin. 'Ha!--ha!--ha!--'pon my life, I'm hungry.' + +Minns rang the bell, and tried to smile. + +'I decidedly never was so hot in my life,' continued Octavius, wiping his +forehead; 'well, but how are you, Minns? 'Pon my soul, you wear +capitally!' + +'D'ye think so?' said Minns; and he tried another smile. + +''Pon my life, I do!' + +'Mrs. B. and--what's his name--quite well?' + +'Alick--my son, you mean; never better--never better. But at such a +place as we've got at Poplar-walk, you know, he couldn't be ill if he +tried. When I first saw it, by Jove! it looked so knowing, with the +front garden, and the green railings and the brass knocker, and all +that--I really thought it was a cut above me.' + +'Don't you think you'd like the ham better,' interrupted Minns, 'if you +cut it the other way?' He saw, with feelings which it is impossible to +describe, that his visitor was cutting or rather maiming the ham, in +utter violation of all established rules. + +'No, thank ye,' returned Budden, with the most barbarous indifference to +crime, 'I prefer it this way, it eats short. But I say, Minns, when will +you come down and see us? You will be delighted with the place; I know +you will. Amelia and I were talking about you the other night, and +Amelia said--another lump of sugar, please; thank ye--she said, don't you +think you could contrive, my dear, to say to Mr. Minns, in a friendly +way--come down, sir--damn the dog! he's spoiling your curtains, +Minns--ha!--ha!--ha!' Minns leaped from his seat as though he had +received the discharge from a galvanic battery. + +'Come out, sir!--go out, hoo!' cried poor Augustus, keeping, +nevertheless, at a very respectful distance from the dog; having read of +a case of hydrophobia in the paper of that morning. By dint of great +exertion, much shouting, and a marvellous deal of poking under the tables +with a stick and umbrella, the dog was at last dislodged, and placed on +the landing outside the door, where he immediately commenced a most +appalling howling; at the same time vehemently scratching the paint off +the two nicely-varnished bottom panels, until they resembled the interior +of a backgammon-board. + +'A good dog for the country that!' coolly observed Budden to the +distracted Minns, 'but he's not much used to confinement. But now, +Minns, when will you come down? I'll take no denial, positively. Let's +see, to-day's Thursday.--Will you come on Sunday? We dine at five, don't +say no--do.' + +After a great deal of pressing, Mr. Augustus Minns, driven to despair, +accepted the invitation, and promised to be at Poplar-walk on the ensuing +Sunday, at a quarter before five to the minute. + +'Now mind the direction,' said Budden: 'the coach goes from the +Flower-pot, in Bishopsgate-street, every half hour. When the coach stops +at the Swan, you'll see, immediately opposite you, a white house.' + +'Which is your house--I understand,' said Minns, wishing to cut short the +visit, and the story, at the same time. + +'No, no, that's not mine; that's Grogus's, the great ironmonger's. I was +going to say--you turn down by the side of the white house till you can't +go another step further--mind that!--and then you turn to your right, by +some stables--well; close to you, you'll see a wall with "Beware of the +Dog" written on it in large letters--(Minns shuddered)--go along by the +side of that wall for about a quarter of a mile--and anybody will show +you which is my place.' + +'Very well--thank ye--good-bye.' + +'Be punctual.' + +'Certainly: good morning.' + +'I say, Minns, you've got a card.' + +'Yes, I have; thank ye.' And Mr. Octavius Budden departed, leaving his +cousin looking forward to his visit on the following Sunday, with the +feelings of a penniless poet to the weekly visit of his Scotch landlady. + +Sunday arrived; the sky was bright and clear; crowds of people were +hurrying along the streets, intent on their different schemes of pleasure +for the day; everything and everybody looked cheerful and happy except +Mr. Augustus Minns. + +The day was fine, but the heat was considerable; when Mr. Minns had +fagged up the shady side of Fleet-street, Cheapside, and +Threadneedle-street, he had become pretty warm, tolerably dusty, and it +was getting late into the bargain. By the most extraordinary good +fortune, however, a coach was waiting at the Flower-pot, into which Mr. +Augustus Minns got, on the solemn assurance of the cad that the vehicle +would start in three minutes--that being the very utmost extremity of +time it was allowed to wait by Act of Parliament. A quarter of an hour +elapsed, and there were no signs of moving. Minns looked at his watch +for the sixth time. + +'Coachman, are you going or not?' bawled Mr. Minns, with his head and +half his body out of the coach window. + +'Di-rectly, sir,' said the coachman, with his hands in his pockets, +looking as much unlike a man in a hurry as possible. + +'Bill, take them cloths off.' Five minutes more elapsed: at the end of +which time the coachman mounted the box, from whence he looked down the +street, and up the street, and hailed all the pedestrians for another +five minutes. + +'Coachman! if you don't go this moment, I shall get out,' said Mr. Minns, +rendered desperate by the lateness of the hour, and the impossibility of +being in Poplar-walk at the appointed time. + +'Going this minute, sir,' was the reply;--and, accordingly, the machine +trundled on for a couple of hundred yards, and then stopped again. Minns +doubled himself up in a corner of the coach, and abandoned himself to his +fate, as a child, a mother, a bandbox and a parasol, became his +fellow-passengers. + +The child was an affectionate and an amiable infant; the little dear +mistook Minns for his other parent, and screamed to embrace him. + +'Be quiet, dear,' said the mamma, restraining the impetuosity of the +darling, whose little fat legs were kicking, and stamping, and twining +themselves into the most complicated forms, in an ecstasy of impatience. +'Be quiet, dear, that's not your papa.' + +'Thank Heaven I am not!' thought Minns, as the first gleam of pleasure he +had experienced that morning shone like a meteor through his +wretchedness. + +Playfulness was agreeably mingled with affection in the disposition of +the boy. When satisfied that Mr. Minns was not his parent, he +endeavoured to attract his notice by scraping his drab trousers with his +dirty shoes, poking his chest with his mamma's parasol, and other +nameless endearments peculiar to infancy, with which he beguiled the +tediousness of the ride, apparently very much to his own satisfaction. + +When the unfortunate gentleman arrived at the Swan, he found to his great +dismay, that it was a quarter past five. The white house, the stables, +the 'Beware of the Dog,'--every landmark was passed, with a rapidity not +unusual to a gentleman of a certain age when too late for dinner. After +the lapse of a few minutes, Mr. Minns found himself opposite a yellow +brick house with a green door, brass knocker, and door-plate, green +window-frames and ditto railings, with 'a garden' in front, that is to +say, a small loose bit of gravelled ground, with one round and two +scalene triangular beds, containing a fir-tree, twenty or thirty bulbs, +and an unlimited number of marigolds. The taste of Mr. and Mrs. Budden +was further displayed by the appearance of a Cupid on each side of the +door, perched upon a heap of large chalk flints, variegated with pink +conch-shells. His knock at the door was answered by a stumpy boy, in +drab livery, cotton stockings and high-lows, who, after hanging his hat +on one of the dozen brass pegs which ornamented the passage, denominated +by courtesy 'The Hall,' ushered him into a front drawing-room commanding +a very extensive view of the backs of the neighbouring houses. The usual +ceremony of introduction, and so forth, over, Mr. Minns took his seat: +not a little agitated at finding that he was the last comer, and, somehow +or other, the Lion of about a dozen people, sitting together in a small +drawing-room, getting rid of that most tedious of all time, the time +preceding dinner. + +'Well, Brogson,' said Budden, addressing an elderly gentleman in a black +coat, drab knee-breeches, and long gaiters, who, under pretence of +inspecting the prints in an Annual, had been engaged in satisfying +himself on the subject of Mr. Minns's general appearance, by looking at +him over the tops of the leaves--'Well, Brogson, what do ministers mean +to do? Will they go out, or what?' + +'Oh--why--really, you know, I'm the last person in the world to ask for +news. Your cousin, from his situation, is the most likely person to +answer the question.' + +Mr. Minns assured the last speaker, that although he was in +Somerset-house, he possessed no official communication relative to the +projects of his Majesty's Ministers. But his remark was evidently +received incredulously; and no further conjectures being hazarded on the +subject, a long pause ensued, during which the company occupied +themselves in coughing and blowing their noses, until the entrance of +Mrs. Budden caused a general rise. + +The ceremony of introduction being over, dinner was announced, and +down-stairs the party proceeded accordingly--Mr. Minns escorting Mrs. +Budden as far as the drawing-room door, but being prevented, by the +narrowness of the staircase, from extending his gallantry any farther. +The dinner passed off as such dinners usually do. Ever and anon, amidst +the clatter of knives and forks, and the hum of conversation, Mr. B.'s +voice might be heard, asking a friend to take wine, and assuring him he +was glad to see him; and a great deal of by-play took place between Mrs. +B. and the servants, respecting the removal of the dishes, during which +her countenance assumed all the variations of a weather-glass, from +'stormy' to 'set fair.' + +Upon the dessert and wine being placed on the table, the servant, in +compliance with a significant look from Mrs. B., brought down 'Master +Alexander,' habited in a sky-blue suit with silver buttons; and +possessing hair of nearly the same colour as the metal. After sundry +praises from his mother, and various admonitions as to his behaviour from +his father, he was introduced to his godfather. + +'Well, my little fellow--you are a fine boy, ain't you?' said Mr. Minns, +as happy as a tomtit on birdlime. + +'Yes.' + +'How old are you?' + +'Eight, next We'nsday. How old are _you_?' + +'Alexander,' interrupted his mother, 'how dare you ask Mr. Minns how old +he is!' + +'He asked me how old _I_ was,' said the precocious child, to whom Minns +had from that moment internally resolved that he never would bequeath one +shilling. As soon as the titter occasioned by the observation had +subsided, a little smirking man with red whiskers, sitting at the bottom +of the table, who during the whole of dinner had been endeavouring to +obtain a listener to some stories about Sheridan, called, out, with a +very patronising air, 'Alick, what part of speech is _be_.' + +'A verb.' + +'That's a good boy,' said Mrs. Budden, with all a mother's pride. + +'Now, you know what a verb is?' + +'A verb is a word which signifies to be, to do, or to suffer; as, I am--I +rule--I am ruled. Give me an apple, Ma.' + +'I'll give you an apple,' replied the man with the red whiskers, who was +an established friend of the family, or in other words was always invited +by Mrs. Budden, whether Mr. Budden liked it or not, 'if you'll tell me +what is the meaning of _be_.' + +'Be?' said the prodigy, after a little hesitation--'an insect that +gathers honey.' + +'No, dear,' frowned Mrs. Budden; 'B double E is the substantive.' + +'I don't think he knows much yet about _common_ substantives,' said the +smirking gentleman, who thought this an admirable opportunity for letting +off a joke. 'It's clear he's not very well acquainted with _proper +names_. He! he! he!' + +'Gentlemen,' called out Mr. Budden, from the end of the table, in a +stentorian voice, and with a very important air, 'will you have the +goodness to charge your glasses? I have a toast to propose.' + +'Hear! hear!' cried the gentlemen, passing the decanters. After they had +made the round of the table, Mr. Budden proceeded--'Gentlemen; there is +an individual present--' + +'Hear! hear!' said the little man with red whiskers. + +'_Pray_ be quiet, Jones,' remonstrated Budden. + +'I say, gentlemen, there is an individual present,' resumed the host, 'in +whose society, I am sure we must take great delight--and--and--the +conversation of that individual must have afforded to every one present, +the utmost pleasure.' ['Thank Heaven, he does not mean me!' thought +Minns, conscious that his diffidence and exclusiveness had prevented his +saying above a dozen words since he entered the house.] 'Gentlemen, I am +but a humble individual myself, and I perhaps ought to apologise for +allowing any individual feeling of friendship and affection for the +person I allude to, to induce me to venture to rise, to propose the +health of that person--a person that, I am sure--that is to say, a person +whose virtues must endear him to those who know him--and those who have +not the pleasure of knowing him, cannot dislike him.' + +'Hear! hear!' said the company, in a tone of encouragement and approval. + +'Gentlemen,' continued Budden, 'my cousin is a man who--who is a relation +of my own.' (Hear! hear!) Minns groaned audibly. 'Who I am most happy +to see here, and who, if he were not here, would certainly have deprived +us of the great pleasure we all feel in seeing him. (Loud cries of +hear!) Gentlemen, I feel that I have already trespassed on your +attention for too long a time. With every feeling--of--with every +sentiment of--of--' + +'Gratification'--suggested the friend of the family. + +'--Of gratification, I beg to propose the health of Mr. Minns.' + +'Standing, gentlemen!' shouted the indefatigable little man with the +whiskers--'and with the honours. Take your time from me, if you please. +Hip! hip! hip!--Za!--Hip! hip! hip!--Za!--Hip hip!--Za-a-a!' + +All eyes were now fixed on the subject of the toast, who by gulping down +port wine at the imminent hazard of suffocation, endeavoured to conceal +his confusion. After as long a pause as decency would admit, he rose, +but, as the newspapers sometimes say in their reports, 'we regret that we +are quite unable to give even the substance of the honourable gentleman's +observations.' The words 'present company--honour--present occasion,' +and 'great happiness'--heard occasionally, and repeated at intervals, +with a countenance expressive of the utmost confusion and misery, +convinced the company that he was making an excellent speech; and, +accordingly, on his resuming his seat, they cried 'Bravo!' and manifested +tumultuous applause. Jones, who had been long watching his opportunity, +then darted up. + +'Budden,' said he, 'will you allow _me_ to propose a toast?' + +'Certainly,' replied Budden, adding in an under-tone to Minns right +across the table, 'Devilish sharp fellow that: you'll be very much +pleased with his speech. He talks equally well on any subject.' Minns +bowed, and Mr. Jones proceeded: + +'It has on several occasions, in various instances, under many +circumstances, and in different companies, fallen to my lot to propose a +toast to those by whom, at the time, I have had the honour to be +surrounded, I have sometimes, I will cheerfully own--for why should I +deny it?--felt the overwhelming nature of the task I have undertaken, and +my own utter incapability to do justice to the subject. If such have +been my feelings, however, on former occasions, what must they be +now--now--under the extraordinary circumstances in which I am placed. +(Hear! hear!) To describe my feelings accurately, would be impossible; +but I cannot give you a better idea of them, gentlemen, than by referring +to a circumstance which happens, oddly enough, to occur to my mind at the +moment. On one occasion, when that truly great and illustrious man, +Sheridan, was--' + +Now, there is no knowing what new villainy in the form of a joke would +have been heaped on the grave of that very ill-used man, Mr. Sheridan, if +the boy in drab had not at that moment entered the room in a breathless +state, to report that, as it was a very wet night, the nine o'clock stage +had come round, to know whether there was anybody going to town, as, in +that case, he (the nine o'clock) had room for one inside. + +Mr. Minns started up; and, despite countless exclamations of surprise, +and entreaties to stay, persisted in his determination to accept the +vacant place. But, the brown silk umbrella was nowhere to be found; and +as the coachman couldn't wait, he drove back to the Swan, leaving word +for Mr. Minns to 'run round' and catch him. However, as it did not occur +to Mr. Minns for some ten minutes or so, that he had left the brown silk +umbrella with the ivory handle in the other coach, coming down; and, +moreover, as he was by no means remarkable for speed, it is no matter of +surprise that when he accomplished the feat of 'running round' to the +Swan, the coach--the last coach--had gone without him. + +It was somewhere about three o'clock in the morning, when Mr. Augustus +Minns knocked feebly at the street-door of his lodgings in +Tavistock-street, cold, wet, cross, and miserable. He made his will next +morning, and his professional man informs us, in that strict confidence +in which we inform the public, that neither the name of Mr. Octavius +Budden, nor of Mrs. Amelia Budden, nor of Master Alexander Augustus +Budden, appears therein. + + + +CHAPTER III--SENTIMENT + + +The Miss Crumptons, or to quote the authority of the inscription on the +garden-gate of Minerva House, Hammersmith, 'The Misses Crumpton,' were +two unusually tall, particularly thin, and exceedingly skinny personages: +very upright, and very yellow. Miss Amelia Crumpton owned to +thirty-eight, and Miss Maria Crumpton admitted she was forty; an +admission which was rendered perfectly unnecessary by the self-evident +fact of her being at least fifty. They dressed in the most interesting +manner--like twins! and looked as happy and comfortable as a couple of +marigolds run to seed. They were very precise, had the strictest +possible ideas of propriety, wore false hair, and always smelt very +strongly of lavender. + +Minerva House, conducted under the auspices of the two sisters, was a +'finishing establishment for young ladies,' where some twenty girls of +the ages of from thirteen to nineteen inclusive, acquired a smattering of +everything, and a knowledge of nothing; instruction in French and +Italian, dancing lessons twice a-week; and other necessaries of life. +The house was a white one, a little removed from the roadside, with close +palings in front. The bedroom windows were always left partly open, to +afford a bird's-eye view of numerous little bedsteads with very white +dimity furniture, and thereby impress the passer-by with a due sense of +the luxuries of the establishment; and there was a front parlour hung +round with highly varnished maps which nobody ever looked at, and filled +with books which no one ever read, appropriated exclusively to the +reception of parents, who, whenever they called, could not fail to be +struck with the very deep appearance of the place. + +'Amelia, my dear,' said Miss Maria Crumpton, entering the school-room one +morning, with her false hair in papers: as she occasionally did, in order +to impress the young ladies with a conviction of its reality. 'Amelia, +my dear, here is a most gratifying note I have just received. You +needn't mind reading it aloud.' + +Miss Amelia, thus advised, proceeded to read the following note with an +air of great triumph: + + 'Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., M.P., presents his compliments to + Miss Crumpton, and will feel much obliged by Miss Crumpton's calling + on him, if she conveniently can, to-morrow morning at one o'clock, as + Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., M.P., is anxious to see Miss Crumpton + on the subject of placing Miss Brook Dingwall under her charge. + + 'Adelphi. + + 'Monday morning.' + +'A Member of Parliament's daughter!' ejaculated Amelia, in an ecstatic +tone. + +'A Member of Parliament's daughter!' repeated Miss Maria, with a smile of +delight, which, of course, elicited a concurrent titter of pleasure from +all the young ladies. + +'It's exceedingly delightful!' said Miss Amelia; whereupon all the young +ladies murmured their admiration again. Courtiers are but school-boys, +and court-ladies school-girl's. + +So important an announcement at once superseded the business of the day. +A holiday was declared, in commemoration of the great event; the Miss +Crumptons retired to their private apartment to talk it over; the smaller +girls discussed the probable manners and customs of the daughter of a +Member of Parliament; and the young ladies verging on eighteen wondered +whether she was engaged, whether she was pretty, whether she wore much +bustle, and many other _whethers_ of equal importance. + +The two Miss Crumptons proceeded to the Adelphi at the appointed time +next day, dressed, of course, in their best style, and looking as amiable +as they possibly could--which, by-the-bye, is not saying much for them. +Having sent in their cards, through the medium of a red-hot looking +footman in bright livery, they were ushered into the august presence of +the profound Dingwall. + +Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., M.P., was very haughty, solemn, and +portentous. He had, naturally, a somewhat spasmodic expression of +countenance, which was not rendered the less remarkable by his wearing an +extremely stiff cravat. He was wonderfully proud of the M.P. attached to +his name, and never lost an opportunity of reminding people of his +dignity. He had a great idea of his own abilities, which must have been +a great comfort to him, as no one else had; and in diplomacy, on a small +scale, in his own family arrangements, he considered himself unrivalled. +He was a county magistrate, and discharged the duties of his station with +all due justice and impartiality; frequently committing poachers, and +occasionally committing himself. Miss Brook Dingwall was one of that +numerous class of young ladies, who, like adverbs, may be known by their +answering to a commonplace question, and doing nothing else. + +On the present occasion, this talented individual was seated in a small +library at a table covered with papers, doing nothing, but trying to look +busy, playing at shop. Acts of Parliament, and letters directed to +'Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., M.P.,' were ostentatiously scattered +over the table; at a little distance from which, Mrs. Brook Dingwall was +seated at work. One of those public nuisances, a spoiled child, was +playing about the room, dressed after the most approved fashion--in a +blue tunic with a black belt--a quarter of a yard wide, fastened with an +immense buckle--looking like a robber in a melodrama, seen through a +diminishing glass. + +After a little pleasantry from the sweet child, who amused himself by +running away with Miss Maria Crumpton's chair as fast as it was placed +for her, the visitors were seated, and Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., +opened the conversation. + +He had sent for Miss Crumpton, he said, in consequence of the high +character he had received of her establishment from his friend, Sir +Alfred Muggs. + +Miss Crumpton murmured her acknowledgments to him (Muggs), and Cornelius +proceeded. + +'One of my principal reasons, Miss Crumpton, for parting with my +daughter, is, that she has lately acquired some sentimental ideas, which +it is most desirable to eradicate from her young mind.' (Here the little +innocent before noticed, fell out of an arm-chair with an awful crash.) + +'Naughty boy!' said his mamma, who appeared more surprised at his taking +the liberty of falling down, than at anything else; 'I'll ring the bell +for James to take him away.' + +'Pray don't check him, my love,' said the diplomatist, as soon as he +could make himself heard amidst the unearthly howling consequent upon the +threat and the tumble. 'It all arises from his great flow of spirits.' +This last explanation was addressed to Miss Crumpton. + +'Certainly, sir,' replied the antique Maria: not exactly seeing, however, +the connexion between a flow of animal spirits, and a fall from an +arm-chair. + +Silence was restored, and the M.P. resumed: 'Now, I know nothing so +likely to effect this object, Miss Crumpton, as her mixing constantly in +the society of girls of her own age; and, as I know that in your +establishment she will meet such as are not likely to contaminate her +young mind, I propose to send her to you.' + +The youngest Miss Crumpton expressed the acknowledgments of the +establishment generally. Maria was rendered speechless by bodily pain. +The dear little fellow, having recovered his animal spirits, was standing +upon her most tender foot, by way of getting his face (which looked like +a capital O in a red-lettered play-bill) on a level with the +writing-table. + +'Of course, Lavinia will be a parlour boarder,' continued the enviable +father; 'and on one point I wish my directions to be strictly observed. +The fact is, that some ridiculous love affair, with a person much her +inferior in life, has been the cause of her present state of mind. +Knowing that of course, under your care, she can have no opportunity of +meeting this person, I do not object to--indeed, I should rather +prefer--her mixing with such society as you see yourself.' + +This important statement was again interrupted by the high-spirited +little creature, in the excess of his joyousness breaking a pane of +glass, and nearly precipitating himself into an adjacent area. James was +rung for; considerable confusion and screaming succeeded; two little blue +legs were seen to kick violently in the air as the man left the room, and +the child was gone. + +'Mr. Brook Dingwall would like Miss Brook Dingwall to learn everything,' +said Mrs. Brook Dingwall, who hardly ever said anything at all. + +'Certainly,' said both the Miss Crumptons together. + +'And as I trust the plan I have devised will be effectual in weaning my +daughter from this absurd idea, Miss Crumpton,' continued the legislator, +'I hope you will have the goodness to comply, in all respects, with any +request I may forward to you.' + +The promise was of course made; and after a lengthened discussion, +conducted on behalf of the Dingwalls with the most becoming diplomatic +gravity, and on that of the Crumptons with profound respect, it was +finally arranged that Miss Lavinia should be forwarded to Hammersmith on +the next day but one, on which occasion the half-yearly ball given at the +establishment was to take place. It might divert the dear girl's mind. +This, by the way, was another bit of diplomacy. + +Miss Lavinia was introduced to her future governess, and both the Miss +Crumptons pronounced her 'a most charming girl;' an opinion which, by a +singular coincidence, they always entertained of any new pupil. + +Courtesies were exchanged, acknowledgments expressed, condescension +exhibited, and the interview terminated. + +Preparations, to make use of theatrical phraseology, 'on a scale of +magnitude never before attempted,' were incessantly made at Minerva House +to give every effect to the forthcoming ball. The largest room in the +house was pleasingly ornamented with blue calico roses, plaid tulips, and +other equally natural-looking artificial flowers, the work of the young +ladies themselves. The carpet was taken up, the folding-doors were taken +down, the furniture was taken out, and rout-seats were taken in. The +linen-drapers of Hammersmith were astounded at the sudden demand for blue +sarsenet ribbon, and long white gloves. Dozens of geraniums were +purchased for bouquets, and a harp and two violins were bespoke from +town, in addition to the grand piano already on the premises. The young +ladies who were selected to show off on the occasion, and do credit to +the establishment, practised incessantly, much to their own satisfaction, +and greatly to the annoyance of the lame old gentleman over the way; and +a constant correspondence was kept up, between the Misses Crumpton and +the Hammersmith pastrycook. + +The evening came; and then there was such a lacing of stays, and tying of +sandals, and dressing of hair, as never can take place with a proper +degree of bustle out of a boarding-school. The smaller girls managed to +be in everybody's way, and were pushed about accordingly; and the elder +ones dressed, and tied, and flattered, and envied, one another, as +earnestly and sincerely as if they had actually _come out_. + +'How do I look, dear?' inquired Miss Emily Smithers, the belle of the +house, of Miss Caroline Wilson, who was her bosom friend, because she was +the ugliest girl in Hammersmith, or out of it. + +'Oh! charming, dear. How do I?' + +'Delightful! you never looked so handsome,' returned the belle, adjusting +her own dress, and not bestowing a glance on her poor companion. + +'I hope young Hilton will come early,' said another young lady to Miss +somebody else, in a fever of expectation. + +'I'm sure he'd be highly flattered if he knew it,' returned the other, +who was practising _l'ete_. + +'Oh! he's so handsome,' said the first. + +'Such a charming person!' added a second. + +'Such a _distingue_ air!' said a third. + +'Oh, what _do_ you think?' said another girl, running into the room; +'Miss Crumpton says her cousin's coming.' + +'What! Theodosius Butler?' said everybody in raptures. + +'Is _he_ handsome?' inquired a novice. + +'No, not particularly handsome,' was the general reply; 'but, oh, so +clever!' + +Mr. Theodosius Butler was one of those immortal geniuses who are to be +met with in almost every circle. They have, usually, very deep, +monotonous voices. They always persuade themselves that they are +wonderful persons, and that they ought to be very miserable, though they +don't precisely know why. They are very conceited, and usually possess +half an idea; but, with enthusiastic young ladies, and silly young +gentlemen, they are very wonderful persons. The individual in question, +Mr. Theodosius, had written a pamphlet containing some very weighty +considerations on the expediency of doing something or other; and as +every sentence contained a good many words of four syllables, his +admirers took it for granted that he meant a good deal. + +'Perhaps that's he,' exclaimed several young ladies, as the first pull of +the evening threatened destruction to the bell of the gate. + +An awful pause ensued. Some boxes arrived and a young lady--Miss Brook +Dingwall, in full ball costume, with an immense gold chain round her +neck, and her dress looped up with a single rose; an ivory fan in her +hand, and a most interesting expression of despair in her face. + +The Miss Crumptons inquired after the family, with the most excruciating +anxiety, and Miss Brook Dingwall was formally introduced to her future +companions. The Miss Crumptons conversed with the young ladies in the +most mellifluous tones, in order that Miss Brook Dingwall might be +properly impressed with their amiable treatment. + +Another pull at the bell. Mr. Dadson the writing-master, and his wife. +The wife in green silk, with shoes and cap-trimmings to correspond: the +writing-master in a white waistcoat, black knee-shorts, and ditto silk +stockings, displaying a leg large enough for two writing-masters. The +young ladies whispered one another, and the writing-master and his wife +flattered the Miss Crumptons, who were dressed in amber, with long +sashes, like dolls. + +Repeated pulls at the bell, and arrivals too numerous to particularise: +papas and mammas, and aunts and uncles, the owners and guardians of the +different pupils; the singing-master, Signor Lobskini, in a black wig; +the piano-forte player and the violins; the harp, in a state of +intoxication; and some twenty young men, who stood near the door, and +talked to one another, occasionally bursting into a giggle. A general +hum of conversation. Coffee handed round, and plentifully partaken of by +fat mammas, who looked like the stout people who come on in pantomimes +for the sole purpose of being knocked down. + +The popular Mr. Hilton was the next arrival; and he having, at the +request of the Miss Crumptons, undertaken the office of Master of the +Ceremonies, the quadrilles commenced with considerable spirit. The young +men by the door gradually advanced into the middle of the room, and in +time became sufficiently at ease to consent to be introduced to partners. +The writing-master danced every set, springing about with the most +fearful agility, and his wife played a rubber in the back-parlour--a +little room with five book-shelves, dignified by the name of the study. +Setting her down to whist was a half-yearly piece of generalship on the +part of the Miss Crumptons; it was necessary to hide her somewhere, on +account of her being a fright. + +The interesting Lavinia Brook Dingwall was the only girl present, who +appeared to take no interest in the proceedings of the evening. In vain +was she solicited to dance; in vain was the universal homage paid to her +as the daughter of a member of parliament. She was equally unmoved by +the splendid tenor of the inimitable Lobskini, and the brilliant +execution of Miss Laetitia Parsons, whose performance of 'The +Recollections of Ireland' was universally declared to be almost equal to +that of Moscheles himself. Not even the announcement of the arrival of +Mr. Theodosius Butler could induce her to leave the corner of the back +drawing-room in which she was seated. + +'Now, Theodosius,' said Miss Maria Crumpton, after that enlightened +pamphleteer had nearly run the gauntlet of the whole company, 'I must +introduce you to our new pupil.' + +Theodosius looked as if he cared for nothing earthly. + +'She's the daughter of a member of parliament,' said Maria.--Theodosius +started. + +'And her name is--?' he inquired. + +'Miss Brook Dingwall.' + +'Great Heaven!' poetically exclaimed Theodosius, in a low tone. + +Miss Crumpton commenced the introduction in due form. Miss Brook +Dingwall languidly raised her head. + +'Edward!' she exclaimed, with a half-shriek, on seeing the well-known +nankeen legs. + +Fortunately, as Miss Maria Crumpton possessed no remarkable share of +penetration, and as it was one of the diplomatic arrangements that no +attention was to be paid to Miss Lavinia's incoherent exclamations, she +was perfectly unconscious of the mutual agitation of the parties; and +therefore, seeing that the offer of his hand for the next quadrille was +accepted, she left him by the side of Miss Brook Dingwall. + +'Oh, Edward!' exclaimed that most romantic of all romantic young ladies, +as the light of science seated himself beside her, 'Oh, Edward, is it +you?' + +Mr. Theodosius assured the dear creature, in the most impassioned manner, +that he was not conscious of being anybody but himself. + +'Then why--why--this disguise? Oh! Edward M'Neville Walter, what have I +not suffered on your account?' + +'Lavinia, hear me,' replied the hero, in his most poetic strain. 'Do not +condemn me unheard. If anything that emanates from the soul of such a +wretch as I, can occupy a place in your recollection--if any being, so +vile, deserve your notice--you may remember that I once published a +pamphlet (and paid for its publication) entitled "Considerations on the +Policy of Removing the Duty on Bees'-wax."' + +'I do--I do!' sobbed Lavinia. + +'That,' continued the lover, 'was a subject to which your father was +devoted heart and soul.' + +'He was--he was!' reiterated the sentimentalist. + +'I knew it,' continued Theodosius, tragically; 'I knew it--I forwarded +him a copy. He wished to know me. Could I disclose my real name? +Never! No, I assumed that name which you have so often pronounced in +tones of endearment. As M'Neville Walter, I devoted myself to the +stirring cause; as M'Neville Walter I gained your heart; in the same +character I was ejected from your house by your father's domestics; and +in no character at all have I since been enabled to see you. We now meet +again, and I proudly own that I am--Theodosius Butler.' + +The young lady appeared perfectly satisfied with this argumentative +address, and bestowed a look of the most ardent affection on the immortal +advocate of bees'-wax. + +'May I hope,' said he, 'that the promise your father's violent behaviour +interrupted, may be renewed?' + +'Let us join this set,' replied Lavinia, coquettishly--for girls of +nineteen _can_ coquette. + +'No,' ejaculated he of the nankeens. 'I stir not from this spot, +writhing under this torture of suspense. May I--may I--hope?' + +'You may.' + +'The promise is renewed?' + +'It is.' + +'I have your permission?' + +'You have.' + +'To the fullest extent?' + +'You know it,' returned the blushing Lavinia. The contortions of the +interesting Butler's visage expressed his raptures. + +We could dilate upon the occurrences that ensued. How Mr. Theodosius and +Miss Lavinia danced, and talked, and sighed for the remainder of the +evening--how the Miss Crumptons were delighted thereat. How the +writing-master continued to frisk about with one-horse power, and how his +wife, from some unaccountable freak, left the whist-table in the little +back-parlour, and persisted in displaying her green head-dress in the +most conspicuous part of the drawing-room. How the supper consisted of +small triangular sandwiches in trays, and a tart here and there by way of +variety; and how the visitors consumed warm water disguised with lemon, +and dotted with nutmeg, under the denomination of negus. These, and +other matters of as much interest, however, we pass over, for the purpose +of describing a scene of even more importance. + +A fortnight after the date of the ball, Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., +M.P., was seated at the same library-table, and in the same room, as we +have before described. He was alone, and his face bore an expression of +deep thought and solemn gravity--he was drawing up 'A Bill for the better +observance of Easter Monday.' + +The footman tapped at the door--the legislator started from his reverie, +and 'Miss Crumpton' was announced. Permission was given for Miss +Crumpton to enter the _sanctum_; Maria came sliding in, and having taken +her seat with a due portion of affectation, the footman retired, and the +governess was left alone with the M.P. Oh! how she longed for the +presence of a third party! Even the facetious young gentleman would have +been a relief. + +Miss Crumpton began the duet. She hoped Mrs. Brook Dingwall and the +handsome little boy were in good health. + +They were. Mrs. Brook Dingwall and little Frederick were at Brighton. + +'Much obliged to you, Miss Crumpton,' said Cornelius, in his most +dignified manner, 'for your attention in calling this morning. I should +have driven down to Hammersmith, to see Lavinia, but your account was so +very satisfactory, and my duties in the House occupy me so much, that I +determined to postpone it for a week. How has she gone on?' + +'Very well indeed, sir,' returned Maria, dreading to inform the father +that she had gone off. + +'Ah, I thought the plan on which I proceeded would be a match for her.' + +Here was a favourable opportunity to say that somebody else had been a +match for her. But the unfortunate governess was unequal to the task. + +'You have persevered strictly in the line of conduct I prescribed, Miss +Crumpton?' + +'Strictly, sir.' + +'You tell me in your note that her spirits gradually improved.' + +'Very much indeed, sir.' + +'To be sure. I was convinced they would.' + +'But I fear, sir,' said Miss Crumpton, with visible emotion, 'I fear the +plan has not succeeded, quite so well as we could have wished.' + +No!' exclaimed the prophet. 'Bless me! Miss Crumpton, you look alarmed. +What has happened?' + +'Miss Brook Dingwall, sir--' + +'Yes, ma'am?' + +'Has gone, sir'--said Maria, exhibiting a strong inclination to faint. + +'Gone!' + +'Eloped, sir.' + +'Eloped!--Who with--when--where--how?' almost shrieked the agitated +diplomatist. + +The natural yellow of the unfortunate Maria's face changed to all the +hues of the rainbow, as she laid a small packet on the member's table. + +He hurriedly opened it. A letter from his daughter, and another from +Theodosius. He glanced over their contents--'Ere this reaches you, far +distant--appeal to feelings--love to distraction--bees'-wax--slavery,' +&c., &c. He dashed his hand to his forehead, and paced the room with +fearfully long strides, to the great alarm of the precise Maria. + +'Now mind; from this time forward,' said Mr. Brook Dingwall, suddenly +stopping at the table, and beating time upon it with his hand; 'from this +time forward, I never will, under any circumstances whatever, permit a +man who writes pamphlets to enter any other room of this house but the +kitchen.--I'll allow my daughter and her husband one hundred and fifty +pounds a-year, and never see their faces again: and, damme! ma'am, I'll +bring in a bill for the abolition of finishing-schools.' + +Some time has elapsed since this passionate declaration. Mr. and Mrs. +Butler are at present rusticating in a small cottage at Ball's-pond, +pleasantly situated in the immediate vicinity of a brick-field. They +have no family. Mr. Theodosius looks very important, and writes +incessantly; but, in consequence of a gross combination on the part of +publishers, none of his productions appear in print. His young wife +begins to think that ideal misery is preferable to real unhappiness; and +that a marriage, contracted in haste, and repented at leisure, is the +cause of more substantial wretchedness than she ever anticipated. + +On cool reflection, Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., M.P., was reluctantly +compelled to admit that the untoward result of his admirable arrangements +was attributable, not to the Miss Crumptons, but his own diplomacy. He, +however, consoles himself, like some other small diplomatists, by +satisfactorily proving that if his plans did not succeed, they ought to +have done so. Minerva House is _in status quo_, and 'The Misses +Crumpton' remain in the peaceable and undisturbed enjoyment of all the +advantages resulting from their Finishing-School. + + + +CHAPTER IV--THE TUGGSES AT RAMSGATE + + +Once upon a time there dwelt, in a narrow street on the Surrey side of +the water, within three minutes' walk of old London Bridge, Mr. Joseph +Tuggs--a little dark-faced man, with shiny hair, twinkling eyes, short +legs, and a body of very considerable thickness, measuring from the +centre button of his waistcoat in front, to the ornamental buttons of his +coat behind. The figure of the amiable Mrs. Tuggs, if not perfectly +symmetrical, was decidedly comfortable; and the form of her only +daughter, the accomplished Miss Charlotte Tuggs, was fast ripening into +that state of luxuriant plumpness which had enchanted the eyes, and +captivated the heart, of Mr. Joseph Tuggs in his earlier days. Mr. Simon +Tuggs, his only son, and Miss Charlotte Tuggs's only brother, was as +differently formed in body, as he was differently constituted in mind, +from the remainder of his family. There was that elongation in his +thoughtful face, and that tendency to weakness in his interesting legs, +which tell so forcibly of a great mind and romantic disposition. The +slightest traits of character in such a being, possess no mean interest +to speculative minds. He usually appeared in public, in capacious shoes +with black cotton stockings; and was observed to be particularly attached +to a black glazed stock, without tie or ornament of any description. + +There is perhaps no profession, however useful; no pursuit, however +meritorious; which can escape the petty attacks of vulgar minds. Mr. +Joseph Tuggs was a grocer. It might be supposed that a grocer was beyond +the breath of calumny; but no--the neighbours stigmatised him as a +chandler; and the poisonous voice of envy distinctly asserted that he +dispensed tea and coffee by the quartern, retailed sugar by the ounce, +cheese by the slice, tobacco by the screw, and butter by the pat. These +taunts, however, were lost upon the Tuggses. Mr. Tuggs attended to the +grocery department; Mrs. Tuggs to the cheesemongery; and Miss Tuggs to +her education. Mr. Simon Tuggs kept his father's books, and his own +counsel. + +One fine spring afternoon, the latter gentleman was seated on a tub of +weekly Dorset, behind the little red desk with a wooden rail, which +ornamented a corner of the counter; when a stranger dismounted from a +cab, and hastily entered the shop. He was habited in black cloth, and +bore with him, a green umbrella, and a blue bag. + +'Mr. Tuggs?' said the stranger, inquiringly. + +'_My_ name is Tuggs,' replied Mr. Simon. + +'It's the other Mr. Tuggs,' said the stranger, looking towards the glass +door which led into the parlour behind the shop, and on the inside of +which, the round face of Mr. Tuggs, senior, was distinctly visible, +peeping over the curtain. + +Mr. Simon gracefully waved his pen, as if in intimation of his wish that +his father would advance. Mr. Joseph Tuggs, with considerable celerity, +removed his face from the curtain and placed it before the stranger. + +'I come from the Temple,' said the man with the bag. + +'From the Temple!' said Mrs. Tuggs, flinging open the door of the little +parlour and disclosing Miss Tuggs in perspective. + +'From the Temple!' said Miss Tuggs and Mr. Simon Tuggs at the same +moment. + +'From the Temple!' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs, turning as pale as a Dutch +cheese. + +'From the Temple,' repeated the man with the bag; 'from Mr. Cower's, the +solicitor's. Mr. Tuggs, I congratulate you, sir. Ladies, I wish you joy +of your prosperity! We have been successful.' And the man with the bag +leisurely divested himself of his umbrella and glove, as a preliminary to +shaking hands with Mr. Joseph Tuggs. + +Now the words 'we have been successful,' had no sooner issued from the +mouth of the man with the bag, than Mr. Simon Tuggs rose from the tub of +weekly Dorset, opened his eyes very wide, gasped for breath, made figures +of eight in the air with his pen, and finally fell into the arms of his +anxious mother, and fainted away without the slightest ostensible cause +or pretence. + +'Water!' screamed Mrs. Tuggs. + +'Look up, my son,' exclaimed Mr. Tuggs. + +'Simon! dear Simon!' shrieked Miss Tuggs. + +'I'm better now,' said Mr. Simon Tuggs. 'What! successful!' And then, +as corroborative evidence of his being better, he fainted away again, and +was borne into the little parlour by the united efforts of the remainder +of the family, and the man with the bag. + +To a casual spectator, or to any one unacquainted with the position of +the family, this fainting would have been unaccountable. To those who +understood the mission of the man with the bag, and were moreover +acquainted with the excitability of the nerves of Mr. Simon Tuggs, it was +quite comprehensible. A long-pending lawsuit respecting the validity of +a will, had been unexpectedly decided; and Mr. Joseph Tuggs was the +possessor of twenty thousand pounds. + +A prolonged consultation took place, that night, in the little parlour--a +consultation that was to settle the future destinies of the Tuggses. The +shop was shut up, at an unusually early hour; and many were the +unavailing kicks bestowed upon the closed door by applicants for +quarterns of sugar, or half-quarterns of bread, or penn'orths of pepper, +which were to have been 'left till Saturday,' but which fortune had +decreed were to be left alone altogether. + +'We must certainly give up business,' said Miss Tuggs. + +'Oh, decidedly,' said Mrs. Tuggs. + +'Simon shall go to the bar,' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs. + +'And I shall always sign myself "Cymon" in future,' said his son. + +'And I shall call myself Charlotta,' said Miss Tuggs. + +'And you must always call _me_ "Ma," and father "Pa,"' said Mrs. Tuggs. + +'Yes, and Pa must leave off all his vulgar habits,' interposed Miss +Tuggs. + +'I'll take care of all that,' responded Mr. Joseph Tuggs, complacently. +He was, at that very moment, eating pickled salmon with a pocket-knife. + +'We must leave town immediately,' said Mr. Cymon Tuggs. + +Everybody concurred that this was an indispensable preliminary to being +genteel. The question then arose, Where should they go? + +'Gravesend?' mildly suggested Mr. Joseph Tuggs. The idea was unanimously +scouted. Gravesend was _low_. + +'Margate?' insinuated Mrs. Tuggs. Worse and worse--nobody there, but +tradespeople. + +'Brighton?' Mr. Cymon Tuggs opposed an insurmountable objection. All +the coaches had been upset, in turn, within the last three weeks; each +coach had averaged two passengers killed, and six wounded; and, in every +case, the newspapers had distinctly understood that 'no blame whatever +was attributable to the coachman.' + +'Ramsgate?' ejaculated Mr. Cymon, thoughtfully. To be sure; how stupid +they must have been, not to have thought of that before! Ramsgate was +just the place of all others. + +Two months after this conversation, the City of London Ramsgate steamer +was running gaily down the river. Her flag was flying, her band was +playing, her passengers were conversing; everything about her seemed gay +and lively.--No wonder--the Tuggses were on board. + +'Charming, ain't it?' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs, in a bottle-green +great-coat, with a velvet collar of the same, and a blue travelling-cap +with a gold band. + +'Soul-inspiring,' replied Mr. Cymon Tuggs--he was entered at the bar. +'Soul-inspiring!' + +'Delightful morning, sir!' said a stoutish, military-looking gentleman in +a blue surtout buttoned up to his chin, and white trousers chained down +to the soles of his boots. + +Mr. Cymon Tuggs took upon himself the responsibility of answering the +observation. 'Heavenly!' he replied. + +'You are an enthusiastic admirer of the beauties of Nature, sir?' said +the military gentleman. + +'I am, sir,' replied Mr. Cymon Tuggs. + +'Travelled much, sir?' inquired the military gentleman. + +'Not much,' replied Mr. Cymon Tuggs. + +'You've been on the continent, of course?' inquired the military +gentleman. + +'Not exactly,' replied Mr. Cymon Tuggs--in a qualified tone, as if he +wished it to be implied that he had gone half-way and come back again. + +'You of course intend your son to make the grand tour, sir?' said the +military gentleman, addressing Mr. Joseph Tuggs. + +As Mr. Joseph Tuggs did not precisely understand what the grand tour was, +or how such an article was manufactured, he replied, 'Of course.' Just +as he said the word, there came tripping up, from her seat at the stern +of the vessel, a young lady in a puce-coloured silk cloak, and boots of +the same; with long black ringlets, large black eyes, brief petticoats, +and unexceptionable ankles. + +'Walter, my dear,' said the young lady to the military gentleman. + +'Yes, Belinda, my love,' responded the military gentleman to the +black-eyed young lady. + +'What have you left me alone so long for?' said the young lady. 'I have +been stared out of countenance by those rude young men.' + +'What! stared at?' exclaimed the military gentleman, with an emphasis +which made Mr. Cymon Tuggs withdraw his eyes from the young lady's face +with inconceivable rapidity. 'Which young men--where?' and the military +gentleman clenched his fist, and glared fearfully on the cigar-smokers +around. + +'Be calm, Walter, I entreat,' said the young lady. + +'I won't,' said the military gentleman. + +'Do, sir,' interposed Mr. Cymon Tuggs. 'They ain't worth your notice.' + +'No--no--they are not, indeed,' urged the young lady. + +'I _will_ be calm,' said the military gentleman. 'You speak truly, sir. +I thank you for a timely remonstrance, which may have spared me the guilt +of manslaughter.' Calming his wrath, the military gentleman wrung Mr. +Cymon Tuggs by the hand. + +'My sister, sir!' said Mr. Cymon Tuggs; seeing that the military +gentleman was casting an admiring look towards Miss Charlotta. + +'My wife, ma'am--Mrs. Captain Waters,' said the military gentleman, +presenting the black-eyed young lady. + +'My mother, ma'am--Mrs. Tuggs,' said Mr. Cymon. The military gentleman +and his wife murmured enchanting courtesies; and the Tuggses looked as +unembarrassed as they could. + +'Walter, my dear,' said the black-eyed young lady, after they had sat +chatting with the Tuggses some half-hour. + +'Yes, my love,' said the military gentleman. + +'Don't you think this gentleman (with an inclination of the head towards +Mr. Cymon Tuggs) is very much like the Marquis Carriwini?' + +'Lord bless me, very!' said the military gentleman. + +'It struck me, the moment I saw him,' said the young lady, gazing +intently, and with a melancholy air, on the scarlet countenance of Mr. +Cymon Tuggs. Mr. Cymon Tuggs looked at everybody; and finding that +everybody was looking at him, appeared to feel some temporary difficulty +in disposing of his eyesight. + +'So exactly the air of the marquis,' said the military gentleman. + +'Quite extraordinary!' sighed the military gentleman's lady. + +'You don't know the marquis, sir?' inquired the military gentleman. + +Mr. Cymon Tuggs stammered a negative. + +'If you did,' continued Captain Walter Waters, 'you would feel how much +reason you have to be proud of the resemblance--a most elegant man, with +a most prepossessing appearance.' + +'He is--he is indeed!' exclaimed Belinda Waters energetically. As her +eye caught that of Mr. Cymon Tuggs, she withdrew it from his features in +bashful confusion. + +All this was highly gratifying to the feelings of the Tuggses; and when, +in the course of farther conversation, it was discovered that Miss +Charlotta Tuggs was the _fac simile_ of a titled relative of Mrs. Belinda +Waters, and that Mrs. Tuggs herself was the very picture of the Dowager +Duchess of Dobbleton, their delight in the acquisition of so genteel and +friendly an acquaintance, knew no bounds. Even the dignity of Captain +Walter Waters relaxed, to that degree, that he suffered himself to be +prevailed upon by Mr. Joseph Tuggs, to partake of cold pigeon-pie and +sherry, on deck; and a most delightful conversation, aided by these +agreeable stimulants, was prolonged, until they ran alongside Ramsgate +Pier. + +'Good-bye, dear!' said Mrs. Captain Waters to Miss Charlotta Tuggs, just +before the bustle of landing commenced; 'we shall see you on the sands in +the morning; and, as we are sure to have found lodgings before then, I +hope we shall be inseparables for many weeks to come.' + +'Oh! I hope so,' said Miss Charlotta Tuggs, emphatically. + +'Tickets, ladies and gen'lm'n,' said the man on the paddle-box. + +'Want a porter, sir?' inquired a dozen men in smock-frocks. + +'Now, my dear!' said Captain Waters. + +'Good-bye!' said Mrs. Captain Waters--'good-bye, Mr. Cymon!' and with a +pressure of the hand which threw the amiable young man's nerves into a +state of considerable derangement, Mrs. Captain Waters disappeared among +the crowd. A pair of puce-coloured boots were seen ascending the steps, +a white handkerchief fluttered, a black eye gleamed. The Waterses were +gone, and Mr. Cymon Tuggs was alone in a heartless world. + +Silently and abstractedly, did that too sensitive youth follow his +revered parents, and a train of smock-frocks and wheelbarrows, along the +pier, until the bustle of the scene around, recalled him to himself. The +sun was shining brightly; the sea, dancing to its own music, rolled +merrily in; crowds of people promenaded to and fro; young ladies +tittered; old ladies talked; nursemaids displayed their charms to the +greatest possible advantage; and their little charges ran up and down, +and to and fro, and in and out, under the feet, and between the legs, of +the assembled concourse, in the most playful and exhilarating manner. +There were old gentlemen, trying to make out objects through long +telescopes; and young ones, making objects of themselves in open +shirt-collars; ladies, carrying about portable chairs, and portable +chairs carrying about invalids; parties, waiting on the pier for parties +who had come by the steam-boat; and nothing was to be heard but talking, +laughing, welcoming, and merriment. + +'Fly, sir?' exclaimed a chorus of fourteen men and six boys, the moment +Mr. Joseph Tuggs, at the head of his little party, set foot in the +street. + +'Here's the gen'lm'n at last!' said one, touching his hat with mock +politeness. 'Werry glad to see you, sir,--been a-waitin' for you these +six weeks. Jump in, if you please, sir!' + +'Nice light fly and a fast trotter, sir,' said another: 'fourteen mile a +hour, and surroundin' objects rendered inwisible by ex-treme welocity!' + +'Large fly for your luggage, sir,' cried a third. 'Werry large fly here, +sir--reg'lar bluebottle!' + +'Here's _your_ fly, sir!' shouted another aspiring charioteer, mounting +the box, and inducing an old grey horse to indulge in some imperfect +reminiscences of a canter. 'Look at him, sir!--temper of a lamb and +haction of a steam-ingein!' + +Resisting even the temptation of securing the services of so valuable a +quadruped as the last named, Mr. Joseph Tuggs beckoned to the proprietor +of a dingy conveyance of a greenish hue, lined with faded striped calico; +and, the luggage and the family having been deposited therein, the animal +in the shafts, after describing circles in the road for a quarter of an +hour, at last consented to depart in quest of lodgings. + +'How many beds have you got?' screamed Mrs. Tuggs out of the fly, to the +woman who opened the door of the first house which displayed a bill +intimating that apartments were to be let within. + +'How many did you want, ma'am?' was, of course, the reply. + +'Three.' + +'Will you step in, ma'am?' Down got Mrs. Tuggs. The family were +delighted. Splendid view of the sea from the front windows--charming! A +short pause. Back came Mrs. Tuggs again.--One parlour and a mattress. + +'Why the devil didn't they say so at first?' inquired Mr. Joseph Tuggs, +rather pettishly. + +'Don't know,' said Mrs. Tuggs. + +'Wretches!' exclaimed the nervous Cymon. Another bill--another stoppage. +Same question--same answer--similar result. + +'What do they mean by this?' inquired Mr. Joseph Tuggs, thoroughly out of +temper. + +'Don't know,' said the placid Mrs. Tuggs. + +'Orvis the vay here, sir,' said the driver, by way of accounting for the +circumstance in a satisfactory manner; and off they went again, to make +fresh inquiries, and encounter fresh disappointments. + +It had grown dusk when the 'fly'--the rate of whose progress greatly +belied its name--after climbing up four or five perpendicular hills, +stopped before the door of a dusty house, with a bay window, from which +you could obtain a beautiful glimpse of the sea--if you thrust half of +your body out of it, at the imminent peril of falling into the area. +Mrs. Tuggs alighted. One ground-floor sitting-room, and three cells with +beds in them up-stairs. A double-house. Family on the opposite side. +Five children milk-and-watering in the parlour, and one little boy, +expelled for bad behaviour, screaming on his back in the passage. + +'What's the terms?' said Mrs. Tuggs. The mistress of the house was +considering the expediency of putting on an extra guinea; so, she coughed +slightly, and affected not to hear the question. + +'What's the terms?' said Mrs. Tuggs, in a louder key. + +'Five guineas a week, ma'am, _with_ attendance,' replied the +lodging-house keeper. (Attendance means the privilege of ringing the +bell as often as you like, for your own amusement.) + +'Rather dear,' said Mrs. Tuggs. 'Oh dear, no, ma'am!' replied the +mistress of the house, with a benign smile of pity at the ignorance of +manners and customs, which the observation betrayed. 'Very cheap!' + +Such an authority was indisputable. Mrs. Tuggs paid a week's rent in +advance, and took the lodgings for a month. In an hour's time, the +family were seated at tea in their new abode. + +'Capital srimps!' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs. + +Mr. Cymon eyed his father with a rebellious scowl, as he emphatically +said '_Shrimps_.' + +'Well, then, shrimps,' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs. 'Srimps or shrimps, don't +much matter.' + +There was pity, blended with malignity, in Mr. Cymon's eye, as he +replied, 'Don't matter, father! What would Captain Waters say, if he +heard such vulgarity?' + +'Or what would dear Mrs. Captain Waters say,' added Charlotta, 'if she +saw mother--ma, I mean--eating them whole, heads and all!' + +'It won't bear thinking of!' ejaculated Mr. Cymon, with a shudder. 'How +different,' he thought, 'from the Dowager Duchess of Dobbleton!' + +'Very pretty woman, Mrs. Captain Waters, is she not, Cymon?' inquired +Miss Charlotta. + +A glow of nervous excitement passed over the countenance of Mr. Cymon +Tuggs, as he replied, 'An angel of beauty!' + +'Hallo!' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs. 'Hallo, Cymon, my boy, take care. +Married lady, you know;' and he winked one of his twinkling eyes +knowingly. + +'Why,' exclaimed Cymon, starting up with an ebullition of fury, as +unexpected as alarming, 'why am I to be reminded of that blight of my +happiness, and ruin of my hopes? Why am I to be taunted with the +miseries which are heaped upon my head? Is it not enough to--to--to--' +and the orator paused; but whether for want of words, or lack of breath, +was never distinctly ascertained. + +There was an impressive solemnity in the tone of this address, and in the +air with which the romantic Cymon, at its conclusion, rang the bell, and +demanded a flat candlestick, which effectually forbade a reply. He +stalked dramatically to bed, and the Tuggses went to bed too, half an +hour afterwards, in a state of considerable mystification and perplexity. + +If the pier had presented a scene of life and bustle to the Tuggses on +their first landing at Ramsgate, it was far surpassed by the appearance +of the sands on the morning after their arrival. It was a fine, bright, +clear day, with a light breeze from the sea. There were the same ladies +and gentlemen, the same children, the same nursemaids, the same +telescopes, the same portable chairs. The ladies were employed in +needlework, or watch-guard making, or knitting, or reading novels; the +gentlemen were reading newspapers and magazines; the children were +digging holes in the sand with wooden spades, and collecting water +therein; the nursemaids, with their youngest charges in their arms, were +running in after the waves, and then running back with the waves after +them; and, now and then, a little sailing-boat either departed with a gay +and talkative cargo of passengers, or returned with a very silent and +particularly uncomfortable-looking one. + +'Well, I never!' exclaimed Mrs. Tuggs, as she and Mr. Joseph Tuggs, and +Miss Charlotta Tuggs, and Mr. Cymon Tuggs, with their eight feet in a +corresponding number of yellow shoes, seated themselves on four +rush-bottomed chairs, which, being placed in a soft part of the sand, +forthwith sunk down some two feet and a half--'Well, I never!' + +Mr. Cymon, by an exertion of great personal strength, uprooted the +chairs, and removed them further back. + +'Why, I'm blessed if there ain't some ladies a-going in!' exclaimed Mr. +Joseph Tuggs, with intense astonishment. + +'Lor, pa!' exclaimed Miss Charlotta. + +'There _is_, my dear,' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs. And, sure enough, four +young ladies, each furnished with a towel, tripped up the steps of a +bathing-machine. In went the horse, floundering about in the water; +round turned the machine; down sat the driver; and presently out burst +the young ladies aforesaid, with four distinct splashes. + +'Well, that's sing'ler, too!' ejaculated Mr. Joseph Tuggs, after an +awkward pause. Mr. Cymon coughed slightly. + +'Why, here's some gentlemen a-going in on this side!' exclaimed Mrs. +Tuggs, in a tone of horror. + +Three machines--three horses--three flounderings--three turnings +round--three splashes--three gentlemen, disporting themselves in the +water like so many dolphins. + +'Well, _that's_ sing'ler!' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs again. Miss Charlotta +coughed this time, and another pause ensued. It was agreeably broken. + +'How d'ye do, dear? We have been looking for you, all the morning,' said +a voice to Miss Charlotta Tuggs. Mrs. Captain Waters was the owner of +it. + +'How d'ye do?' said Captain Walter Waters, all suavity; and a most +cordial interchange of greetings ensued. + +'Belinda, my love,' said Captain Walter Waters, applying his glass to his +eye, and looking in the direction of the sea. + +'Yes, my dear,' replied Mrs. Captain Waters. + +'There's Harry Thompson!' + +'Where?' said Belinda, applying her glass to her eye. + +'Bathing.' + +'Lor, so it is! He don't see us, does he?' + +'No, I don't think he does' replied the captain. 'Bless my soul, how +very singular!' + +'What?' inquired Belinda. + +'There's Mary Golding, too.' + +'Lor!--where?' (Up went the glass again.) + +'There!' said the captain, pointing to one of the young ladies before +noticed, who, in her bathing costume, looked as if she was enveloped in a +patent Mackintosh, of scanty dimensions. + +'So it is, I declare!' exclaimed Mrs. Captain Waters. 'How very curious +we should see them both!' + +'Very,' said the captain, with perfect coolness. + +'It's the reg'lar thing here, you see,' whispered Mr. Cymon Tuggs to his +father. + +'I see it is,' whispered Mr. Joseph Tuggs in reply. 'Queer, +though--ain't it?' Mr. Cymon Tuggs nodded assent. + +'What do you think of doing with yourself this morning?' inquired the +captain. 'Shall we lunch at Pegwell?' + +'I should like that very much indeed,' interposed Mrs. Tuggs. She had +never heard of Pegwell; but the word 'lunch' had reached her ears, and it +sounded very agreeably. + +'How shall we go?' inquired the captain; 'it's too warm to walk.' + +'A shay?' suggested Mr. Joseph Tuggs. + +'Chaise,' whispered Mr. Cymon. + +'I should think one would be enough,' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs aloud, quite +unconscious of the meaning of the correction. 'However, two shays if you +like.' + +'I should like a donkey _so_ much,' said Belinda. + +'Oh, so should I!' echoed Charlotta Tuggs. + +'Well, we can have a fly,' suggested the captain, 'and you can have a +couple of donkeys.' + +A fresh difficulty arose. Mrs. Captain Waters declared it would be +decidedly improper for two ladies to ride alone. The remedy was obvious. +Perhaps young Mr. Tuggs would be gallant enough to accompany them. + +Mr. Cymon Tuggs blushed, smiled, looked vacant, and faintly protested +that he was no horseman. The objection was at once overruled. A fly was +speedily found; and three donkeys--which the proprietor declared on his +solemn asseveration to be 'three parts blood, and the other corn'--were +engaged in the service. + +'Kim up!' shouted one of the two boys who followed behind, to propel the +donkeys, when Belinda Waters and Charlotta Tuggs had been hoisted, and +pushed, and pulled, into their respective saddles. + +'Hi--hi--hi!' groaned the other boy behind Mr. Cymon Tuggs. Away went +the donkey, with the stirrups jingling against the heels of Cymon's +boots, and Cymon's boots nearly scraping the ground. + +'Way--way! Wo--o--o--!' cried Mr. Cymon Tuggs as well as he could, in +the midst of the jolting. + +'Don't make it gallop!' screamed Mrs. Captain Waters, behind. + +'My donkey _will_ go into the public-house!' shrieked Miss Tuggs in the +rear. + +'Hi--hi--hi!' groaned both the boys together; and on went the donkeys as +if nothing would ever stop them. + +Everything has an end, however; even the galloping of donkeys will cease +in time. The animal which Mr. Cymon Tuggs bestrode, feeling sundry +uncomfortable tugs at the bit, the intent of which he could by no means +divine, abruptly sidled against a brick wall, and expressed his +uneasiness by grinding Mr. Cymon Tuggs's leg on the rough surface. Mrs. +Captain Waters's donkey, apparently under the influence of some +playfulness of spirit, rushed suddenly, head first, into a hedge, and +declined to come out again: and the quadruped on which Miss Tuggs was +mounted, expressed his delight at this humorous proceeding by firmly +planting his fore-feet against the ground, and kicking up his hind-legs +in a very agile, but somewhat alarming manner. + +This abrupt termination to the rapidity of the ride, naturally occasioned +some confusion. Both the ladies indulged in vehement screaming for +several minutes; and Mr. Cymon Tuggs, besides sustaining intense bodily +pain, had the additional mental anguish of witnessing their distressing +situation, without having the power to rescue them, by reason of his leg +being firmly screwed in between the animal and the wall. The efforts of +the boys, however, assisted by the ingenious expedient of twisting the +tail of the most rebellious donkey, restored order in a much shorter time +than could have reasonably been expected, and the little party jogged +slowly on together. + +'Now let 'em walk,' said Mr. Cymon Tuggs. 'It's cruel to overdrive 'em.' + +'Werry well, sir,' replied the boy, with a grin at his companion, as if +he understood Mr. Cymon to mean that the cruelty applied less to the +animals than to their riders. + +'What a lovely day, dear!' said Charlotta. + +'Charming; enchanting, dear!' responded Mrs. Captain Waters. + +'What a beautiful prospect, Mr. Tuggs!' + +Cymon looked full in Belinda's face, as he responded--'Beautiful, +indeed!' The lady cast down her eyes, and suffered the animal she was +riding to fall a little back. Cymon Tuggs instinctively did the same. + +There was a brief silence, broken only by a sigh from Mr. Cymon Tuggs. + +'Mr. Cymon,' said the lady suddenly, in a low tone, 'Mr. Cymon--I am +another's.' + +Mr. Cymon expressed his perfect concurrence in a statement which it was +impossible to controvert. + +'If I had not been--' resumed Belinda; and there she stopped. + +'What--what?' said Mr. Cymon earnestly. 'Do not torture me. What would +you say?' + +'If I had not been'--continued Mrs. Captain Waters--'if, in earlier life, +it had been my fate to have known, and been beloved by, a noble youth--a +kindred soul--a congenial spirit--one capable of feeling and appreciating +the sentiments which--' + +'Heavens! what do I hear?' exclaimed Mr. Cymon Tuggs. 'Is it possible! +can I believe my--Come up!' (This last unsentimental parenthesis was +addressed to the donkey, who, with his head between his fore-legs, +appeared to be examining the state of his shoes with great anxiety.) + +'Hi--hi--hi,' said the boys behind. 'Come up,' expostulated Cymon Tuggs +again. 'Hi--hi--hi,' repeated the boys. And whether it was that the +animal felt indignant at the tone of Mr. Tuggs's command, or felt alarmed +by the noise of the deputy proprietor's boots running behind him; or +whether he burned with a noble emulation to outstrip the other donkeys; +certain it is that he no sooner heard the second series of 'hi--hi's,' +than he started away, with a celerity of pace which jerked Mr. Cymon's +hat off, instantaneously, and carried him to the Pegwell Bay hotel in no +time, where he deposited his rider without giving him the trouble of +dismounting, by sagaciously pitching him over his head, into the very +doorway of the tavern. + +Great was the confusion of Mr. Cymon Tuggs, when he was put right end +uppermost, by two waiters; considerable was the alarm of Mrs. Tuggs in +behalf of her son; agonizing were the apprehensions of Mrs. Captain +Waters on his account. It was speedily discovered, however, that he had +not sustained much more injury than the donkey--he was grazed, and the +animal was grazing--and then it _was_ a delightful party to be sure! Mr. +and Mrs. Tuggs, and the captain, had ordered lunch in the little garden +behind:--small saucers of large shrimps, dabs of butter, crusty loaves, +and bottled ale. The sky was without a cloud; there were flower-pots and +turf before them; the sea, from the foot of the cliff, stretching away as +far as the eye could discern anything at all; vessels in the distance +with sails as white, and as small, as nicely-got-up cambric +handkerchiefs. The shrimps were delightful, the ale better, and the +captain even more pleasant than either. Mrs. Captain Waters was in +_such_ spirits after lunch!--chasing, first the captain across the turf, +and among the flower-pots; and then Mr. Cymon Tuggs; and then Miss Tuggs; +and laughing, too, quite boisterously. But as the captain said, it +didn't matter; who knew what they were, there? For all the people of the +house knew, they might be common people. To which Mr. Joseph Tuggs +responded, 'To be sure.' And then they went down the steep wooden steps +a little further on, which led to the bottom of the cliff; and looked at +the crabs, and the seaweed, and the eels, till it was more than fully +time to go back to Ramsgate again. Finally, Mr. Cymon Tuggs ascended the +steps last, and Mrs. Captain Waters last but one; and Mr. Cymon Tuggs +discovered that the foot and ankle of Mrs. Captain Waters, were even more +unexceptionable than he had at first supposed. + +Taking a donkey towards his ordinary place of residence, is a very +different thing, and a feat much more easily to be accomplished, than +taking him from it. It requires a great deal of foresight and presence +of mind in the one case, to anticipate the numerous flights of his +discursive imagination; whereas, in the other, all you have to do, is, to +hold on, and place a blind confidence in the animal. Mr. Cymon Tuggs +adopted the latter expedient on his return; and his nerves were so little +discomposed by the journey, that he distinctly understood they were all +to meet again at the library in the evening. + +The library was crowded. There were the same ladies, and the same +gentlemen, who had been on the sands in the morning, and on the pier the +day before. There were young ladies, in maroon-coloured gowns and black +velvet bracelets, dispensing fancy articles in the shop, and presiding +over games of chance in the concert-room. There were marriageable +daughters, and marriage-making mammas, gaming and promenading, and +turning over music, and flirting. There were some male beaux doing the +sentimental in whispers, and others doing the ferocious in moustache. +There were Mrs. Tuggs in amber, Miss Tuggs in sky-blue, Mrs. Captain +Waters in pink. There was Captain Waters in a braided surtout; there was +Mr. Cymon Tuggs in pumps and a gilt waistcoat; there was Mr. Joseph Tuggs +in a blue coat and a shirt-frill. + +'Numbers three, eight, and eleven!' cried one of the young ladies in the +maroon-coloured gowns. + +'Numbers three, eight, and eleven!' echoed another young lady in the same +uniform. + +'Number three's gone,' said the first young lady. 'Numbers eight and +eleven!' + +'Numbers eight and eleven!' echoed the second young lady. + +'Number eight's gone, Mary Ann,' said the first young lady. + +'Number eleven!' screamed the second. + +'The numbers are all taken now, ladies, if you please,' said the first. +The representatives of numbers three, eight, and eleven, and the rest of +the numbers, crowded round the table. + +'Will you throw, ma'am?' said the presiding goddess, handing the dice-box +to the eldest daughter of a stout lady, with four girls. + +There was a profound silence among the lookers-on. + +'Throw, Jane, my dear,' said the stout lady. An interesting display of +bashfulness--a little blushing in a cambric handkerchief--a whispering to +a younger sister. + +'Amelia, my dear, throw for your sister,' said the stout lady; and then +she turned to a walking advertisement of Rowlands' Macassar Oil, who +stood next her, and said, 'Jane is so _very_ modest and retiring; but I +can't be angry with her for it. An artless and unsophisticated girl is +_so_ truly amiable, that I often wish Amelia was more like her sister!' + +The gentleman with the whiskers whispered his admiring approval. + +'Now, my dear!' said the stout lady. Miss Amelia threw--eight for her +sister, ten for herself. + +'Nice figure, Amelia,' whispered the stout lady to a thin youth beside +her. + +'Beautiful!' + +'And _such_ a spirit! I am like you in that respect. I can _not_ help +admiring that life and vivacity. Ah! (a sigh) I wish I could make poor +Jane a little more like my dear Amelia!' + +The young gentleman cordially acquiesced in the sentiment; both he, and +the individual first addressed, were perfectly contented. + +'Who's this?' inquired Mr. Cymon Tuggs of Mrs. Captain Waters, as a short +female, in a blue velvet hat and feathers, was led into the orchestra, by +a fat man in black tights and cloudy Berlins. + +'Mrs. Tippin, of the London theatres,' replied Belinda, referring to the +programme of the concert. + +The talented Tippin having condescendingly acknowledged the clapping of +hands, and shouts of 'bravo!' which greeted her appearance, proceeded to +sing the popular cavatina of 'Bid me discourse,' accompanied on the piano +by Mr. Tippin; after which, Mr. Tippin sang a comic song, accompanied on +the piano by Mrs. Tippin: the applause consequent upon which, was only to +be exceeded by the enthusiastic approbation bestowed upon an air with +variations on the guitar, by Miss Tippin, accompanied on the chin by +Master Tippin. + +Thus passed the evening; thus passed the days and evenings of the +Tuggses, and the Waterses, for six weeks. Sands in the morning--donkeys +at noon--pier in the afternoon--library at night--and the same people +everywhere. + +On that very night six weeks, the moon was shining brightly over the calm +sea, which dashed against the feet of the tall gaunt cliffs, with just +enough noise to lull the old fish to sleep, without disturbing the young +ones, when two figures were discernible--or would have been, if anybody +had looked for them--seated on one of the wooden benches which are +stationed near the verge of the western cliff. The moon had climbed +higher into the heavens, by two hours' journeying, since those figures +first sat down--and yet they had moved not. The crowd of loungers had +thinned and dispersed; the noise of itinerant musicians had died away; +light after light had appeared in the windows of the different houses in +the distance; blockade-man after blockade-man had passed the spot, +wending his way towards his solitary post; and yet those figures had +remained stationary. Some portions of the two forms were in deep shadow, +but the light of the moon fell strongly on a puce-coloured boot and a +glazed stock. Mr. Cymon Tuggs and Mrs. Captain Waters were seated on +that bench. They spoke not, but were silently gazing on the sea. + +'Walter will return to-morrow,' said Mrs. Captain Waters, mournfully +breaking silence. + +Mr. Cymon Tuggs sighed like a gust of wind through a forest of gooseberry +bushes, as he replied, 'Alas! he will.' + +'Oh, Cymon!' resumed Belinda, 'the chaste delight, the calm happiness, of +this one week of Platonic love, is too much for me!' Cymon was about to +suggest that it was too little for him, but he stopped himself, and +murmured unintelligibly. + +'And to think that even this gleam of happiness, innocent as it is,' +exclaimed Belinda, 'is now to be lost for ever!' + +'Oh, do not say for ever, Belinda,' exclaimed the excitable Cymon, as two +strongly-defined tears chased each other down his pale face--it was so +long that there was plenty of room for a chase. 'Do not say for ever!' + +'I must,' replied Belinda. + +'Why?' urged Cymon, 'oh why? Such Platonic acquaintance as ours is so +harmless, that even your husband can never object to it.' + +'My husband!' exclaimed Belinda. 'You little know him. Jealous and +revengeful; ferocious in his revenge--a maniac in his jealousy! Would +you be assassinated before my eyes?' Mr. Cymon Tuggs, in a voice broken +by emotion, expressed his disinclination to undergo the process of +assassination before the eyes of anybody. + +'Then leave me,' said Mrs. Captain Waters. 'Leave me, this night, for +ever. It is late: let us return.' + +Mr. Cymon Tuggs sadly offered the lady his arm, and escorted her to her +lodgings. He paused at the door--he felt a Platonic pressure of his +hand. 'Good night,' he said, hesitating. + +'Good night,' sobbed the lady. Mr. Cymon Tuggs paused again. + +'Won't you walk in, sir?' said the servant. Mr. Tuggs hesitated. Oh, +that hesitation! He _did_ walk in. + +'Good night!' said Mr. Cymon Tuggs again, when he reached the +drawing-room. + +'Good night!' replied Belinda; 'and, if at any period of my life, +I--Hush!' The lady paused and stared with a steady gaze of horror, on +the ashy countenance of Mr. Cymon Tuggs. There was a double knock at the +street-door. + +'It is my husband!' said Belinda, as the captain's voice was heard below. + +'And my family!' added Cymon Tuggs, as the voices of his relatives +floated up the staircase. + +'The curtain! The curtain!' gasped Mrs. Captain Waters, pointing to the +window, before which some chintz hangings were closely drawn. + +'But I have done nothing wrong,' said the hesitating Cymon. + +'The curtain!' reiterated the frantic lady: 'you will be murdered.' This +last appeal to his feelings was irresistible. The dismayed Cymon +concealed himself behind the curtain with pantomimic suddenness. + +Enter the captain, Joseph Tuggs, Mrs. Tuggs, and Charlotta. + +'My dear,' said the captain, 'Lieutenant, Slaughter.' Two iron-shod +boots and one gruff voice were heard by Mr. Cymon to advance, and +acknowledge the honour of the introduction. The sabre of the lieutenant +rattled heavily upon the floor, as he seated himself at the table. Mr. +Cymon's fears almost overcame his reason. + +'The brandy, my dear!' said the captain. Here was a situation! They +were going to make a night of it! And Mr. Cymon Tuggs was pent up behind +the curtain and afraid to breathe! + +'Slaughter,' said the captain, 'a cigar?' + +Now, Mr. Cymon Tuggs never could smoke without feeling it indispensably +necessary to retire, immediately, and never could smell smoke without a +strong disposition to cough. The cigars were introduced; the captain was +a professed smoker; so was the lieutenant; so was Joseph Tuggs. The +apartment was small, the door was closed, the smoke powerful: it hung in +heavy wreaths over the room, and at length found its way behind the +curtain. Cymon Tuggs held his nose, his mouth, his breath. It was all +of no use--out came the cough. + +'Bless my soul!' said the captain, 'I beg your pardon, Miss Tuggs. You +dislike smoking?' + +'Oh, no; I don't indeed,' said Charlotta. + +'It makes you cough.' + +'Oh dear no.' + +'You coughed just now.' + +'Me, Captain Waters! Lor! how can you say so?' + +'Somebody coughed,' said the captain. + +'I certainly thought so,' said Slaughter. No; everybody denied it. + +'Fancy,' said the captain. + +'Must be,' echoed Slaughter. + +Cigars resumed--more smoke--another cough--smothered, but violent. + +'Damned odd!' said the captain, staring about him. + +'Sing'ler!' ejaculated the unconscious Mr. Joseph Tuggs. + +Lieutenant Slaughter looked first at one person mysteriously, then at +another: then, laid down his cigar, then approached the window on tiptoe, +and pointed with his right thumb over his shoulder, in the direction of +the curtain. + +'Slaughter!' ejaculated the captain, rising from table, 'what do you +mean?' + +The lieutenant, in reply, drew back the curtain and discovered Mr. Cymon +Tuggs behind it: pallid with apprehension, and blue with wanting to +cough. + +'Aha!' exclaimed the captain, furiously. 'What do I see? Slaughter, +your sabre!' + +'Cymon!' screamed the Tuggses. + +'Mercy!' said Belinda. + +'Platonic!' gasped Cymon. + +'Your sabre!' roared the captain: 'Slaughter--unhand me--the villain's +life!' + +'Murder!' screamed the Tuggses. + +'Hold him fast, sir!' faintly articulated Cymon. + +'Water!' exclaimed Joseph Tuggs--and Mr. Cymon Tuggs and all the ladies +forthwith fainted away, and formed a tableau. + +Most willingly would we conceal the disastrous termination of the six +weeks' acquaintance. A troublesome form, and an arbitrary custom, +however, prescribe that a story should have a conclusion, in addition to +a commencement; we have therefore no alternative. Lieutenant Slaughter +brought a message--the captain brought an action. Mr. Joseph Tuggs +interposed--the lieutenant negotiated. When Mr. Cymon Tuggs recovered +from the nervous disorder into which misplaced affection, and exciting +circumstances, had plunged him, he found that his family had lost their +pleasant acquaintance; that his father was minus fifteen hundred pounds; +and the captain plus the precise sum. The money was paid to hush the +matter up, but it got abroad notwithstanding; and there are not wanting +some who affirm that three designing impostors never found more easy +dupes, than did Captain Waters, Mrs. Waters, and Lieutenant Slaughter, in +the Tuggses at Ramsgate. + + + +CHAPTER V--HORATIO SPARKINS + + +'Indeed, my love, he paid Teresa very great attention on the last +assembly night,' said Mrs. Malderton, addressing her spouse, who, after +the fatigues of the day in the City, was sitting with a silk handkerchief +over his head, and his feet on the fender, drinking his port;--'very +great attention; and I say again, every possible encouragement ought to +be given him. He positively must be asked down here to dine.' + +'Who must?' inquired Mr. Malderton. + +'Why, you know whom I mean, my dear--the young man with the black +whiskers and the white cravat, who has just come out at our assembly, and +whom all the girls are talking about. Young--dear me! what's his +name?--Marianne, what _is_ his name?' continued Mrs. Malderton, +addressing her youngest daughter, who was engaged in netting a purse, and +looking sentimental. + +'Mr. Horatio Sparkins, ma,' replied Miss Marianne, with a sigh. + +'Oh! yes, to be sure--Horatio Sparkins,' said Mrs. Malderton. 'Decidedly +the most gentleman-like young man I ever saw. I am sure in the +beautifully-made coat he wore the other night, he looked like--like--' + +'Like Prince Leopold, ma--so noble, so full of sentiment!' suggested +Marianne, in a tone of enthusiastic admiration. + +'You should recollect, my dear,' resumed Mrs. Malderton, 'that Teresa is +now eight-and-twenty; and that it really is very important that something +should be done.' + +Miss Teresa Malderton was a very little girl, rather fat, with vermilion +cheeks, but good-humoured, and still disengaged, although, to do her +justice, the misfortune arose from no lack of perseverance on her part. +In vain had she flirted for ten years; in vain had Mr. and Mrs. Malderton +assiduously kept up an extensive acquaintance among the young eligible +bachelors of Camberwell, and even of Wandsworth and Brixton; to say +nothing of those who 'dropped in' from town. Miss Malderton was as well +known as the lion on the top of Northumberland House, and had an equal +chance of 'going off.' + +'I am quite sure you'd like him,' continued Mrs. Malderton, 'he is so +gentlemanly!' + +'So clever!' said Miss Marianne. + +'And has such a flow of language!' added Miss Teresa. + +'He has a great respect for you, my dear,' said Mrs. Malderton to her +husband. Mr. Malderton coughed, and looked at the fire. + +'Yes I'm sure he's very much attached to pa's society,' said Miss +Marianne. + +'No doubt of it,' echoed Miss Teresa. + +'Indeed, he said as much to me in confidence,' observed Mrs. Malderton. + +'Well, well,' returned Mr. Malderton, somewhat flattered; 'if I see him +at the assembly to-morrow, perhaps I'll ask him down. I hope he knows we +live at Oak Lodge, Camberwell, my dear?' + +'Of course--and that you keep a one-horse carriage.' + +'I'll see about it,' said Mr. Malderton, composing himself for a nap; +'I'll see about it.' + +Mr. Malderton was a man whose whole scope of ideas was limited to +Lloyd's, the Exchange, the India House, and the Bank. A few successful +speculations had raised him from a situation of obscurity and comparative +poverty, to a state of affluence. As frequently happens in such cases, +the ideas of himself and his family became elevated to an extraordinary +pitch as their means increased; they affected fashion, taste, and many +other fooleries, in imitation of their betters, and had a very decided +and becoming horror of anything which could, by possibility, be +considered low. He was hospitable from ostentation, illiberal from +ignorance, and prejudiced from conceit. Egotism and the love of display +induced him to keep an excellent table: convenience, and a love of good +things of this life, ensured him plenty of guests. He liked to have +clever men, or what he considered such, at his table, because it was a +great thing to talk about; but he never could endure what he called +'sharp fellows.' Probably, he cherished this feeling out of compliment +to his two sons, who gave their respected parent no uneasiness in that +particular. The family were ambitious of forming acquaintances and +connexions in some sphere of society superior to that in which they +themselves moved; and one of the necessary consequences of this desire, +added to their utter ignorance of the world beyond their own small +circle, was, that any one who could lay claim to an acquaintance with +people of rank and title, had a sure passport to the table at Oak Lodge, +Camberwell. + +The appearance of Mr. Horatio Sparkins at the assembly, had excited no +small degree of surprise and curiosity among its regular frequenters. +Who could he be? He was evidently reserved, and apparently melancholy. +Was he a clergyman?--He danced too well. A barrister?--He said he was +not called. He used very fine words, and talked a great deal. Could he +be a distinguished foreigner, come to England for the purpose of +describing the country, its manners and customs; and frequenting public +balls and public dinners, with the view of becoming acquainted with high +life, polished etiquette, and English refinement?--No, he had not a +foreign accent. Was he a surgeon, a contributor to the magazines, a +writer of fashionable novels, or an artist?--No; to each and all of these +surmises, there existed some valid objection.--'Then,' said everybody, +'he must be _somebody_.'--'I should think he must be,' reasoned Mr. +Malderton, within himself, 'because he perceives our superiority, and +pays us so much attention.' + +The night succeeding the conversation we have just recorded, was +'assembly night.' The double-fly was ordered to be at the door of Oak +Lodge at nine o'clock precisely. The Miss Maldertons were dressed in +sky-blue satin trimmed with artificial flowers; and Mrs. M. (who was a +little fat woman), in ditto ditto, looked like her eldest daughter +multiplied by two. Mr. Frederick Malderton, the eldest son, in +full-dress costume, was the very _beau ideal_ of a smart waiter; and Mr. +Thomas Malderton, the youngest, with his white dress-stock, blue coat, +bright buttons, and red watch-ribbon, strongly resembled the portrait of +that interesting, but rash young gentleman, George Barnwell. Every +member of the party had made up his or her mind to cultivate the +acquaintance of Mr. Horatio Sparkins. Miss Teresa, of course, was to be +as amiable and interesting as ladies of eight-and-twenty on the look-out +for a husband, usually are. Mrs. Malderton would be all smiles and +graces. Miss Marianne would request the favour of some verses for her +album. Mr. Malderton would patronise the great unknown by asking him to +dinner. Tom intended to ascertain the extent of his information on the +interesting topics of snuff and cigars. Even Mr. Frederick Malderton +himself, the family authority on all points of taste, dress, and +fashionable arrangement; who had lodgings of his own in town; who had a +free admission to Covent-garden theatre; who always dressed according to +the fashions of the months; who went up the water twice a-week in the +season; and who actually had an intimate friend who once knew a gentleman +who formerly lived in the Albany,--even he had determined that Mr. +Horatio Sparkins must be a devilish good fellow, and that he would do him +the honour of challenging him to a game at billiards. + +The first object that met the anxious eyes of the expectant family on +their entrance into the ball-room, was the interesting Horatio, with his +hair brushed off his forehead, and his eyes fixed on the ceiling, +reclining in a contemplative attitude on one of the seats. + +'There he is, my dear,' whispered Mrs. Malderton to Mr. Malderton. + +'How like Lord Byron!' murmured Miss Teresa. + +'Or Montgomery!' whispered Miss Marianne. + +'Or the portraits of Captain Cook!' suggested Tom. + +'Tom--don't be an ass!' said his father, who checked him on all +occasions, probably with a view to prevent his becoming 'sharp'--which +was very unnecessary. + +The elegant Sparkins attitudinised with admirable effect, until the +family had crossed the room. He then started up, with the most natural +appearance of surprise and delight; accosted Mrs. Malderton with the +utmost cordiality; saluted the young ladies in the most enchanting +manner; bowed to, and shook hands with Mr. Malderton, with a degree of +respect amounting almost to veneration; and returned the greetings of the +two young men in a half-gratified, half-patronising manner, which fully +convinced them that he must be an important, and, at the same time, +condescending personage. + +'Miss Malderton,' said Horatio, after the ordinary salutations, and +bowing very low, 'may I be permitted to presume to hope that you will +allow me to have the pleasure--' + +'I don't _think_ I am engaged,' said Miss Teresa, with a dreadful +affectation of indifference--'but, really--so many--' + +Horatio looked handsomely miserable. + +'I shall be most happy,' simpered the interesting Teresa, at last. +Horatio's countenance brightened up, like an old hat in a shower of rain. + +'A very genteel young man, certainly!' said the gratified Mr. Malderton, +as the obsequious Sparkins and his partner joined the quadrille which was +just forming. + +'He has a remarkably good address,' said Mr. Frederick. + +'Yes, he is a prime fellow,' interposed Tom, who always managed to put +his foot in it--'he talks just like an auctioneer.' + +'Tom!' said his father solemnly, 'I think I desired you, before, not to +be a fool.' Tom looked as happy as a cock on a drizzly morning. + +'How delightful!' said the interesting Horatio to his partner, as they +promenaded the room at the conclusion of the set--'how delightful, how +refreshing it is, to retire from the cloudy storms, the vicissitudes, and +the troubles, of life, even if it be but for a few short fleeting +moments: and to spend those moments, fading and evanescent though they +be, in the delightful, the blessed society of one individual--whose +frowns would be death, whose coldness would be madness, whose falsehood +would be ruin, whose constancy would be bliss; the possession of whose +affection would be the brightest and best reward that Heaven could bestow +on man?' + +'What feeling! what sentiment!' thought Miss Teresa, as she leaned more +heavily on her companion's arm. + +'But enough--enough!' resumed the elegant Sparkins, with a theatrical +air. 'What have I said? what have I--I--to do with sentiments like +these! Miss Malderton'--here he stopped short--'may I hope to be +permitted to offer the humble tribute of--' + +'Really, Mr. Sparkins,' returned the enraptured Teresa, blushing in the +sweetest confusion, 'I must refer you to papa. I never can, without his +consent, venture to--' + +'Surely he cannot object--' + +'Oh, yes. Indeed, indeed, you know him not!' interrupted Miss Teresa, +well knowing there was nothing to fear, but wishing to make the interview +resemble a scene in some romantic novel. + +'He cannot object to my offering you a glass of negus,' returned the +adorable Sparkins, with some surprise. + +'Is that all?' thought the disappointed Teresa. 'What a fuss about +nothing!' + +'It will give me the greatest pleasure, sir, to see you to dinner at Oak +Lodge, Camberwell, on Sunday next at five o'clock, if you have no better +engagement,' said Mr. Malderton, at the conclusion of the evening, as he +and his sons were standing in conversation with Mr. Horatio Sparkins. + +Horatio bowed his acknowledgments, and accepted the flattering +invitation. + +'I must confess,' continued the father, offering his snuff-box to his new +acquaintance, 'that I don't enjoy these assemblies half so much as the +comfort--I had almost said the luxury--of Oak Lodge. They have no great +charms for an elderly man.' + +'And after all, sir, what is man?' said the metaphysical Sparkins. 'I +say, what is man?' + +'Ah! very true,' said Mr. Malderton; 'very true.' + +'We know that we live and breathe,' continued Horatio; 'that we have +wants and wishes, desires and appetites--' + +'Certainly,' said Mr. Frederick Malderton, looking profound. + +'I say, we know that we exist,' repeated Horatio, raising his voice, 'but +there we stop; there, is an end to our knowledge; there, is the summit of +our attainments; there, is the termination of our ends. What more do we +know?' + +'Nothing,' replied Mr. Frederick--than whom no one was more capable of +answering for himself in that particular. Tom was about to hazard +something, but, fortunately for his reputation, he caught his father's +angry eye, and slunk off like a puppy convicted of petty larceny. + +'Upon my word,' said Mr. Malderton the elder, as they were returning home +in the fly, 'that Mr. Sparkins is a wonderful young man. Such surprising +knowledge! such extraordinary information! and such a splendid mode of +expressing himself!' + +'I think he must be somebody in disguise,' said Miss Marianne. 'How +charmingly romantic!' + +'He talks very loud and nicely,' timidly observed Tom, 'but I don't +exactly understand what he means.' + +'I almost begin to despair of your understanding anything, Tom,' said his +father, who, of course, had been much enlightened by Mr. Horatio +Sparkins's conversation. + +'It strikes me, Tom,' said Miss Teresa, 'that you have made yourself very +ridiculous this evening.' + +'No doubt of it,' cried everybody--and the unfortunate Tom reduced +himself into the least possible space. That night, Mr. and Mrs. +Malderton had a long conversation respecting their daughter's prospects +and future arrangements. Miss Teresa went to bed, considering whether, +in the event of her marrying a title, she could conscientiously encourage +the visits of her present associates; and dreamed, all night, of +disguised noblemen, large routs, ostrich plumes, bridal favours, and +Horatio Sparkins. + +Various surmises were hazarded on the Sunday morning, as to the mode of +conveyance which the anxiously-expected Horatio would adopt. Did he keep +a gig?--was it possible he could come on horseback?--or would he +patronize the stage? These, and other various conjectures of equal +importance, engrossed the attention of Mrs. Malderton and her daughters +during the whole morning after church. + +'Upon my word, my dear, it's a most annoying thing that that vulgar +brother of yours should have invited himself to dine here to-day,' said +Mr. Malderton to his wife. 'On account of Mr. Sparkins's coming down, I +purposely abstained from asking any one but Flamwell. And then to think +of your brother--a tradesman--it's insufferable! I declare I wouldn't +have him mention his shop, before our new guest--no, not for a thousand +pounds! I wouldn't care if he had the good sense to conceal the disgrace +he is to the family; but he's so fond of his horrible business, that he +_will_ let people know what he is.' + +Mr. Jacob Barton, the individual alluded to, was a large grocer; so +vulgar, and so lost to all sense of feeling, that he actually never +scrupled to avow that he wasn't above his business: 'he'd made his money +by it, and he didn't care who know'd it.' + +'Ah! Flamwell, my dear fellow, how d'ye do?' said Mr. Malderton, as a +little spoffish man, with green spectacles, entered the room. 'You got +my note?' + +'Yes, I did; and here I am in consequence.' + +'You don't happen to know this Mr. Sparkins by name? You know +everybody?' + +Mr. Flamwell was one of those gentlemen of remarkably extensive +information whom one occasionally meets in society, who pretend to know +everybody, but in reality know nobody. At Malderton's, where any stories +about great people were received with a greedy ear, he was an especial +favourite; and, knowing the kind of people he had to deal with, he +carried his passion of claiming acquaintance with everybody, to the most +immoderate length. He had rather a singular way of telling his greatest +lies in a parenthesis, and with an air of self-denial, as if he feared +being thought egotistical. + +'Why, no, I don't know him by that name,' returned Flamwell, in a low +tone, and with an air of immense importance. 'I have no doubt I know +him, though. Is he tall?' + +'Middle-sized,' said Miss Teresa. + +'With black hair?' inquired Flamwell, hazarding a bold guess. + +'Yes,' returned Miss Teresa, eagerly. + +'Rather a snub nose?' + +'No,' said the disappointed Teresa, 'he has a Roman nose.' + +'I said a Roman nose, didn't I?' inquired Flamwell. 'He's an elegant +young man?' + +'Oh, certainly.' + +'With remarkably prepossessing manners?' + +'Oh, yes!' said all the family together. 'You must know him.' + +'Yes, I thought you knew him, if he was anybody,' triumphantly exclaimed +Mr. Malderton. 'Who d'ye think he is?' + +'Why, from your description,' said Flamwell, ruminating, and sinking his +voice, almost to a whisper, 'he bears a strong resemblance to the +Honourable Augustus Fitz-Edward Fitz-John Fitz-Osborne. He's a very +talented young man, and rather eccentric. It's extremely probable he may +have changed his name for some temporary purpose.' + +Teresa's heart beat high. Could he be the Honourable Augustus +Fitz-Edward Fitz-John Fitz-Osborne! What a name to be elegantly engraved +upon two glazed cards, tied together with a piece of white satin ribbon! +'The Honourable Mrs. Augustus Fitz-Edward Fitz-John Fitz-Osborne!' The +thought was transport. + +'It's five minutes to five,' said Mr. Malderton, looking at his watch: 'I +hope he's not going to disappoint us.' + +'There he is!' exclaimed Miss Teresa, as a loud double-knock was heard at +the door. Everybody endeavoured to look--as people when they +particularly expect a visitor always do--as if they were perfectly +unsuspicious of the approach of anybody. + +The room-door opened--'Mr. Barton!' said the servant. + +'Confound the man!' murmured Malderton. 'Ah! my dear sir, how d'ye do! +Any news?' + +'Why no,' returned the grocer, in his usual bluff manner. 'No, none +partickler. None that I am much aware of. How d'ye do, gals and boys? +Mr. Flamwell, sir--glad to see you.' + +'Here's Mr. Sparkins!' said Tom, who had been looking out at the window, +'on _such_ a black horse!' There was Horatio, sure enough, on a large +black horse, curvetting and prancing along, like an Astley's +supernumerary. After a great deal of reining in, and pulling up, with +the accompaniments of snorting, rearing, and kicking, the animal +consented to stop at about a hundred yards from the gate, where Mr. +Sparkins dismounted, and confided him to the care of Mr. Malderton's +groom. The ceremony of introduction was gone through, in all due form. +Mr. Flamwell looked from behind his green spectacles at Horatio with an +air of mysterious importance; and the gallant Horatio looked unutterable +things at Teresa. + +'Is he the Honourable Mr. Augustus What's-his-name?' whispered Mrs. +Malderton to Flamwell, as he was escorting her to the dining-room. + +'Why, no--at least not exactly,' returned that great authority--'not +exactly.' + +'Who _is_ he then?' + +'Hush!' said Flamwell, nodding his head with a grave air, importing that +he knew very well; but was prevented, by some grave reasons of state, +from disclosing the important secret. It might be one of the ministers +making himself acquainted with the views of the people. + +'Mr. Sparkins,' said the delighted Mrs. Malderton, 'pray divide the +ladies. John, put a chair for the gentleman between Miss Teresa and Miss +Marianne.' This was addressed to a man who, on ordinary occasions, acted +as half-groom, half-gardener; but who, as it was important to make an +impression on Mr. Sparkins, had been forced into a white neckerchief and +shoes, and touched up, and brushed, to look like a second footman. + +The dinner was excellent; Horatio was most attentive to Miss Teresa, and +every one felt in high spirits, except Mr. Malderton, who, knowing the +propensity of his brother-in-law, Mr. Barton, endured that sort of agony +which the newspapers inform us is experienced by the surrounding +neighbourhood when a pot-boy hangs himself in a hay-loft, and which is +'much easier to be imagined than described.' + +'Have you seen your friend, Sir Thomas Noland, lately, Flamwell?' +inquired Mr. Malderton, casting a sidelong look at Horatio, to see what +effect the mention of so great a man had upon him. + +'Why, no--not very lately. I saw Lord Gubbleton the day before +yesterday.' + +'All! I hope his lordship is very well?' said Malderton, in a tone of +the greatest interest. It is scarcely necessary to say that, until that +moment, he had been quite innocent of the existence of such a person. + +'Why, yes; he was very well--very well indeed. He's a devilish good +fellow. I met him in the City, and had a long chat with him. Indeed, +I'm rather intimate with him. I couldn't stop to talk to him as long as +I could wish, though, because I was on my way to a banker's, a very rich +man, and a member of Parliament, with whom I am also rather, indeed I may +say very, intimate.' + +'I know whom you mean,' returned the host, consequentially--in reality +knowing as much about the matter as Flamwell himself.--'He has a capital +business.' + +This was touching on a dangerous topic. + +'Talking of business,' interposed Mr. Barton, from the centre of the +table. 'A gentleman whom you knew very well, Malderton, before you made +that first lucky spec of yours, called at our shop the other day, and--' + +'Barton, may I trouble you for a potato?' interrupted the wretched master +of the house, hoping to nip the story in the bud. + +'Certainly,' returned the grocer, quite insensible of his +brother-in-law's object--'and he said in a very plain manner--' + +'_Floury_, if you please,' interrupted Malderton again; dreading the +termination of the anecdote, and fearing a repetition of the word 'shop.' + +'He said, says he,' continued the culprit, after despatching the potato; +'says he, how goes on your business? So I said, jokingly--you know my +way--says I, I'm never above my business, and I hope my business will +never be above me. Ha, ha!' + +'Mr. Sparkins,' said the host, vainly endeavouring to conceal his dismay, +'a glass of wine?' + +'With the utmost pleasure, sir.' + +'Happy to see you.' + +'Thank you.' + +'We were talking the other evening,' resumed the host, addressing +Horatio, partly with the view of displaying the conversational powers of +his new acquaintance, and partly in the hope of drowning the grocer's +stories--'we were talking the other night about the nature of man. Your +argument struck me very forcibly.' + +'And me,' said Mr. Frederick. Horatio made a graceful inclination of the +head. + +'Pray, what is your opinion of woman, Mr. Sparkins?' inquired Mrs. +Malderton. The young ladies simpered. + +'Man,' replied Horatio, 'man, whether he ranged the bright, gay, flowery +plains of a second Eden, or the more sterile, barren, and I may say, +commonplace regions, to which we are compelled to accustom ourselves, in +times such as these; man, under any circumstances, or in any +place--whether he were bending beneath the withering blasts of the frigid +zone, or scorching under the rays of a vertical sun--man, without woman, +would be--alone.' + +'I am very happy to find you entertain such honourable opinions, Mr. +Sparkins,' said Mrs. Malderton. + +'And I,' added Miss Teresa. Horatio looked his delight, and the young +lady blushed. + +'Now, it's my opinion--' said Mr. Barton. + +'I know what you're going to say,' interposed Malderton, determined not +to give his relation another opportunity, 'and I don't agree with you.' + +'What!' inquired the astonished grocer. + +'I am sorry to differ from you, Barton,' said the host, in as positive a +manner as if he really were contradicting a position which the other had +laid down, 'but I cannot give my assent to what I consider a very +monstrous proposition.' + +'But I meant to say--' + +'You never can convince me,' said Malderton, with an air of obstinate +determination. 'Never.' + +'And I,' said Mr. Frederick, following up his father's attack, 'cannot +entirely agree in Mr. Sparkins's argument.' + +'What!' said Horatio, who became more metaphysical, and more +argumentative, as he saw the female part of the family listening in +wondering delight--'what! Is effect the consequence of cause? Is cause +the precursor of effect?' + +'That's the point,' said Flamwell. + +'To be sure,' said Mr. Malderton. + +'Because, if effect is the consequence of cause, and if cause does +precede effect, I apprehend you are wrong,' added Horatio. + +'Decidedly,' said the toad-eating Flamwell. + +'At least, I apprehend that to be the just and logical deduction?' said +Sparkins, in a tone of interrogation. + +'No doubt of it,' chimed in Flamwell again. 'It settles the point.' + +'Well, perhaps it does,' said Mr. Frederick; 'I didn't see it before.' + +'I don't exactly see it now,' thought the grocer; 'but I suppose it's all +right.' + +'How wonderfully clever he is!' whispered Mrs. Malderton to her +daughters, as they retired to the drawing-room. + +'Oh, he's quite a love!' said both the young ladies together; 'he talks +like an oracle. He must have seen a great deal of life.' + +The gentlemen being left to themselves, a pause ensued, during which +everybody looked very grave, as if they were quite overcome by the +profound nature of the previous discussion. Flamwell, who had made up +his mind to find out who and what Mr. Horatio Sparkins really was, first +broke silence. + +'Excuse me, sir,' said that distinguished personage, 'I presume you have +studied for the bar? I thought of entering once, myself--indeed, I'm +rather intimate with some of the highest ornaments of that distinguished +profession.' + +'N-no!' said Horatio, with a little hesitation; 'not exactly.' + +'But you have been much among the silk gowns, or I mistake?' inquired +Flamwell, deferentially. + +'Nearly all my life,' returned Sparkins. + +The question was thus pretty well settled in the mind of Mr. Flamwell. +He was a young gentleman 'about to be called.' + +'I shouldn't like to be a barrister,' said Tom, speaking for the first +time, and looking round the table to find somebody who would notice the +remark. + +No one made any reply. + +'I shouldn't like to wear a wig,' said Tom, hazarding another +observation. + +'Tom, I beg you will not make yourself ridiculous,' said his father. +'Pray listen, and improve yourself by the conversation you hear, and +don't be constantly making these absurd remarks.' + +'Very well, father,' replied the unfortunate Tom, who had not spoken a +word since he had asked for another slice of beef at a quarter-past five +o'clock, P.M., and it was then eight. + +'Well, Tom,' observed his good-natured uncle, 'never mind! _I_ think +with you. I shouldn't like to wear a wig. I'd rather wear an apron.' + +Mr. Malderton coughed violently. Mr. Barton resumed--'For if a man's +above his business--' + +The cough returned with tenfold violence, and did not cease until the +unfortunate cause of it, in his alarm, had quite forgotten what he +intended to say. + +'Mr. Sparkins,' said Flamwell, returning to the charge, 'do you happen to +know Mr. Delafontaine, of Bedford-square?' + +'I have exchanged cards with him; since which, indeed, I have had an +opportunity of serving him considerably,' replied Horatio, slightly +colouring; no doubt, at having been betrayed into making the +acknowledgment. + +'You are very lucky, if you have had an opportunity of obliging that +great man,' observed Flamwell, with an air of profound respect. + +'I don't know who he is,' he whispered to Mr. Malderton, confidentially, +as they followed Horatio up to the drawing-room. 'It's quite clear, +however, that he belongs to the law, and that he is somebody of great +importance, and very highly connected.' + +'No doubt, no doubt,' returned his companion. + +The remainder of the evening passed away most delightfully. Mr. +Malderton, relieved from his apprehensions by the circumstance of Mr. +Barton's falling into a profound sleep, was as affable and gracious as +possible. Miss Teresa played the 'Fall of Paris,' as Mr. Sparkins +declared, in a most masterly manner, and both of them, assisted by Mr. +Frederick, tried over glees and trios without number; they having made +the pleasing discovery that their voices harmonised beautifully. To be +sure, they all sang the first part; and Horatio, in addition to the +slight drawback of having no ear, was perfectly innocent of knowing a +note of music; still, they passed the time very agreeably, and it was +past twelve o'clock before Mr. Sparkins ordered the +mourning-coach-looking steed to be brought out--an order which was only +complied with, on the distinct understanding that he was to repeat his +visit on the following Sunday. + +'But, perhaps, Mr. Sparkins will form one of our party to-morrow +evening?' suggested Mrs. M. 'Mr. Malderton intends taking the girls to +see the pantomime.' Mr. Sparkins bowed, and promised to join the party +in box 48, in the course of the evening. + +'We will not tax you for the morning,' said Miss Teresa, bewitchingly; +'for ma is going to take us to all sorts of places, shopping. I know +that gentlemen have a great horror of that employment.' Mr. Sparkins +bowed again, and declared that he should be delighted, but business of +importance occupied him in the morning. Flamwell looked at Malderton +significantly.--'It's term time!' he whispered. + +At twelve o'clock on the following morning, the 'fly' was at the door of +Oak Lodge, to convey Mrs. Malderton and her daughters on their expedition +for the day. They were to dine and dress for the play at a friend's +house. First, driving thither with their band-boxes, they departed on +their first errand to make some purchases at Messrs. Jones, Spruggins, +and Smith's, of Tottenham-court-road; after which, they were to go to +Redmayne's in Bond-street; thence, to innumerable places that no one ever +heard of. The young ladies beguiled the tediousness of the ride by +eulogising Mr. Horatio Sparkins, scolding their mamma for taking them so +far to save a shilling, and wondering whether they should ever reach +their destination. At length, the vehicle stopped before a dirty-looking +ticketed linen-draper's shop, with goods of all kinds, and labels of all +sorts and sizes, in the window. There were dropsical figures of seven +with a little three-farthings in the corner; 'perfectly invisible to the +naked eye;' three hundred and fifty thousand ladies' boas, _from_ one +shilling and a penny halfpenny; real French kid shoes, at two and +ninepence per pair; green parasols, at an equally cheap rate; and 'every +description of goods,' as the proprietors said--and they must know +best--'fifty per cent. under cost price.' + +'Lor! ma, what a place you have brought us to!' said Miss Teresa; 'what +_would_ Mr. Sparkins say if he could see us!' + +'Ah! what, indeed!' said Miss Marianne, horrified at the idea. + +'Pray be seated, ladies. What is the first article?' inquired the +obsequious master of the ceremonies of the establishment, who, in his +large white neckcloth and formal tie, looked like a bad 'portrait of a +gentleman' in the Somerset-house exhibition. + +'I want to see some silks,' answered Mrs. Malderton. + +'Directly, ma'am.--Mr. Smith! Where _is_ Mr. Smith?' + +'Here, sir,' cried a voice at the back of the shop. + +'Pray make haste, Mr. Smith,' said the M.C. 'You never are to be found +when you're wanted, sir.' + +Mr. Smith, thus enjoined to use all possible despatch, leaped over the +counter with great agility, and placed himself before the newly-arrived +customers. Mrs. Malderton uttered a faint scream; Miss Teresa, who had +been stooping down to talk to her sister, raised her head, and +beheld--Horatio Sparkins! + +'We will draw a veil,' as novel-writers say, over the scene that ensued. +The mysterious, philosophical, romantic, metaphysical Sparkins--he who, +to the interesting Teresa, seemed like the embodied idea of the young +dukes and poetical exquisites in blue silk dressing-gowns, and ditto +ditto slippers, of whom she had read and dreamed, but had never expected +to behold, was suddenly converted into Mr. Samuel Smith, the assistant at +a 'cheap shop;' the junior partner in a slippery firm of some three +weeks' existence. The dignified evanishment of the hero of Oak Lodge, on +this unexpected recognition, could only be equalled by that of a furtive +dog with a considerable kettle at his tail. All the hopes of the +Maldertons were destined at once to melt away, like the lemon ices at a +Company's dinner; Almack's was still to them as distant as the North +Pole; and Miss Teresa had as much chance of a husband as Captain Ross had +of the north-west passage. + +Years have elapsed since the occurrence of this dreadful morning. The +daisies have thrice bloomed on Camberwell-green; the sparrows have thrice +repeated their vernal chirps in Camberwell-grove; but the Miss Maldertons +are still unmated. Miss Teresa's case is more desperate than ever; but +Flamwell is yet in the zenith of his reputation; and the family have the +same predilection for aristocratic personages, with an increased aversion +to anything _low_. + + + +CHAPTER VI--THE BLACK VEIL + + +One winter's evening, towards the close of the year 1800, or within a +year or two of that time, a young medical practitioner, recently +established in business, was seated by a cheerful fire in his little +parlour, listening to the wind which was beating the rain in pattering +drops against the window, or rumbling dismally in the chimney. The night +was wet and cold; he had been walking through mud and water the whole +day, and was now comfortably reposing in his dressing-gown and slippers, +more than half asleep and less than half awake, revolving a thousand +matters in his wandering imagination. First, he thought how hard the +wind was blowing, and how the cold, sharp rain would be at that moment +beating in his face, if he were not comfortably housed at home. Then, +his mind reverted to his annual Christmas visit to his native place and +dearest friends; he thought how glad they would all be to see him, and +how happy it would make Rose if he could only tell her that he had found +a patient at last, and hoped to have more, and to come down again, in a +few months' time, and marry her, and take her home to gladden his lonely +fireside, and stimulate him to fresh exertions. Then, he began to wonder +when his first patient would appear, or whether he was destined, by a +special dispensation of Providence, never to have any patients at all; +and then, he thought about Rose again, and dropped to sleep and dreamed +about her, till the tones of her sweet merry voice sounded in his ears, +and her soft tiny hand rested on his shoulder. + +There _was_ a hand upon his shoulder, but it was neither soft nor tiny; +its owner being a corpulent round-headed boy, who, in consideration of +the sum of one shilling per week and his food, was let out by the parish +to carry medicine and messages. As there was no demand for the medicine, +however, and no necessity for the messages, he usually occupied his +unemployed hours--averaging fourteen a day--in abstracting peppermint +drops, taking animal nourishment, and going to sleep. + +'A lady, sir--a lady!' whispered the boy, rousing his master with a +shake. + +'What lady?' cried our friend, starting up, not quite certain that his +dream was an illusion, and half expecting that it might be Rose +herself.--'What lady? Where?' + +'_There_, sir!' replied the boy, pointing to the glass door leading into +the surgery, with an expression of alarm which the very unusual +apparition of a customer might have tended to excite. + +The surgeon looked towards the door, and started himself, for an instant, +on beholding the appearance of his unlooked-for visitor. + +It was a singularly tall woman, dressed in deep mourning, and standing so +close to the door that her face almost touched the glass. The upper part +of her figure was carefully muffled in a black shawl, as if for the +purpose of concealment; and her face was shrouded by a thick black veil. +She stood perfectly erect, her figure was drawn up to its full height, +and though the surgeon felt that the eyes beneath the veil were fixed on +him, she stood perfectly motionless, and evinced, by no gesture whatever, +the slightest consciousness of his having turned towards her. + +'Do you wish to consult me?' he inquired, with some hesitation, holding +open the door. It opened inwards, and therefore the action did not alter +the position of the figure, which still remained motionless on the same +spot. + +She slightly inclined her head, in token of acquiescence. + +'Pray walk in,' said the surgeon. + +The figure moved a step forward; and then, turning its head in the +direction of the boy--to his infinite horror--appeared to hesitate. + +'Leave the room, Tom,' said the young man, addressing the boy, whose +large round eyes had been extended to their utmost width during this +brief interview. 'Draw the curtain, and shut the door.' + +The boy drew a green curtain across the glass part of the door, retired +into the surgery, closed the door after him, and immediately applied one +of his large eyes to the keyhole on the other side. + +The surgeon drew a chair to the fire, and motioned the visitor to a seat. +The mysterious figure slowly moved towards it. As the blaze shone upon +the black dress, the surgeon observed that the bottom of it was saturated +with mud and rain. + +'You are very wet,' be said. + +'I am,' said the stranger, in a low deep voice. + +'And you are ill?' added the surgeon, compassionately, for the tone was +that of a person in pain. + +'I am,' was the reply--'very ill; not bodily, but mentally. It is not +for myself, or on my own behalf,' continued the stranger, 'that I come to +you. If I laboured under bodily disease, I should not be out, alone, at +such an hour, or on such a night as this; and if I were afflicted with +it, twenty-four hours hence, God knows how gladly I would lie down and +pray to die. It is for another that I beseech your aid, sir. I may be +mad to ask it for him--I think I am; but, night after night, through the +long dreary hours of watching and weeping, the thought has been ever +present to my mind; and though even _I_ see the hopelessness of human +assistance availing him, the bare thought of laying him in his grave +without it makes my blood run cold!' And a shudder, such as the surgeon +well knew art could not produce, trembled through the speaker's frame. + +There was a desperate earnestness in this woman's manner, that went to +the young man's heart. He was young in his profession, and had not yet +witnessed enough of the miseries which are daily presented before the +eyes of its members, to have grown comparatively callous to human +suffering. + +'If,' he said, rising hastily, 'the person of whom you speak, be in so +hopeless a condition as you describe, not a moment is to be lost. I will +go with you instantly. Why did you not obtain medical advice before?' + +'Because it would have been useless before--because it is useless even +now,' replied the woman, clasping her hands passionately. + +The surgeon gazed, for a moment, on the black veil, as if to ascertain +the expression of the features beneath it: its thickness, however, +rendered such a result impossible. + +'You _are_ ill,' he said, gently, 'although you do not know it. The +fever which has enabled you to bear, without feeling it, the fatigue you +have evidently undergone, is burning within you now. Put that to your +lips,' he continued, pouring out a glass of water--'compose yourself for +a few moments, and then tell me, as calmly as you can, what the disease +of the patient is, and how long he has been ill. When I know what it is +necessary I should know, to render my visit serviceable to him, I am +ready to accompany you.' + +The stranger lifted the glass of water to her mouth, without raising the +veil; put it down again untasted; and burst into tears. + +'I know,' she said, sobbing aloud, 'that what I say to you now, seems +like the ravings of fever. I have been told so before, less kindly than +by you. I am not a young woman; and they do say, that as life steals on +towards its final close, the last short remnant, worthless as it may seem +to all beside, is dearer to its possessor than all the years that have +gone before, connected though they be with the recollection of old +friends long since dead, and young ones--children perhaps--who have +fallen off from, and forgotten one as completely as if they had died too. +My natural term of life cannot be many years longer, and should be dear +on that account; but I would lay it down without a sigh--with +cheerfulness--with joy--if what I tell you now, were only false, or +imaginary. To-morrow morning he of whom I speak will be, I _know_, +though I would fain think otherwise, beyond the reach of human aid; and +yet, to-night, though he is in deadly peril, you must not see, and could +not serve, him.' + +'I am unwilling to increase your distress,' said the surgeon, after a +short pause, 'by making any comment on what you have just said, or +appearing desirous to investigate a subject you are so anxious to +conceal; but there is an inconsistency in your statement which I cannot +reconcile with probability. This person is dying to-night, and I cannot +see him when my assistance might possibly avail; you apprehend it will be +useless to-morrow, and yet you would have me see him then! If he be, +indeed, as dear to you, as your words and manner would imply, why not try +to save his life before delay and the progress of his disease render it +impracticable?' + +'God help me!' exclaimed the woman, weeping bitterly, 'how can I hope +strangers will believe what appears incredible, even to myself? You will +_not_ see him then, sir?' she added, rising suddenly. + +'I did not say that I declined to see him,' replied the surgeon; 'but I +warn you, that if you persist in this extraordinary procrastination, and +the individual dies, a fearful responsibility rests with you.' + +'The responsibility will rest heavily somewhere,' replied the stranger +bitterly. 'Whatever responsibility rests with me, I am content to bear, +and ready to answer.' + +'As I incur none,' continued the surgeon, 'by acceding to your request, I +will see him in the morning, if you leave me the address. At what hour +can he be seen?' + +'_Nine_,' replied the stranger. + +'You must excuse my pressing these inquiries,' said the surgeon. 'But is +he in your charge now?' + +'He is not,' was the rejoinder. + +'Then, if I gave you instructions for his treatment through the night, +you could not assist him?' + +The woman wept bitterly, as she replied, 'I could not.' + +Finding that there was but little prospect of obtaining more information +by prolonging the interview; and anxious to spare the woman's feelings, +which, subdued at first by a violent effort, were now irrepressible and +most painful to witness; the surgeon repeated his promise of calling in +the morning at the appointed hour. His visitor, after giving him a +direction to an obscure part of Walworth, left the house in the same +mysterious manner in which she had entered it. + +It will be readily believed that so extraordinary a visit produced a +considerable impression on the mind of the young surgeon; and that he +speculated a great deal and to very little purpose on the possible +circumstances of the case. In common with the generality of people, he +had often heard and read of singular instances, in which a presentiment +of death, at a particular day, or even minute, had been entertained and +realised. At one moment he was inclined to think that the present might +be such a case; but, then, it occurred to him that all the anecdotes of +the kind he had ever heard, were of persons who had been troubled with a +foreboding of their own death. This woman, however, spoke of another +person--a man; and it was impossible to suppose that a mere dream or +delusion of fancy would induce her to speak of his approaching +dissolution with such terrible certainty as she had spoken. It could not +be that the man was to be murdered in the morning, and that the woman, +originally a consenting party, and bound to secrecy by an oath, had +relented, and, though unable to prevent the commission of some outrage on +the victim, had determined to prevent his death if possible, by the +timely interposition of medical aid? The idea of such things happening +within two miles of the metropolis appeared too wild and preposterous to +be entertained beyond the instant. Then, his original impression that +the woman's intellects were disordered, recurred; and, as it was the only +mode of solving the difficulty with any degree of satisfaction, he +obstinately made up his mind to believe that she was mad. Certain +misgivings upon this point, however, stole upon his thoughts at the time, +and presented themselves again and again through the long dull course of +a sleepless night; during which, in spite of all his efforts to the +contrary, he was unable to banish the black veil from his disturbed +imagination. + +The back part of Walworth, at its greatest distance from town, is a +straggling miserable place enough, even in these days; but, +five-and-thirty years ago, the greater portion of it was little better +than a dreary waste, inhabited by a few scattered people of questionable +character, whose poverty prevented their living in any better +neighbourhood, or whose pursuits and mode of life rendered its solitude +desirable. Very many of the houses which have since sprung up on all +sides, were not built until some years afterwards; and the great majority +even of those which were sprinkled about, at irregular intervals, were of +the rudest and most miserable description. + +The appearance of the place through which he walked in the morning, was +not calculated to raise the spirits of the young surgeon, or to dispel +any feeling of anxiety or depression which the singular kind of visit he +was about to make, had awakened. Striking off from the high road, his +way lay across a marshy common, through irregular lanes, with here and +there a ruinous and dismantled cottage fast falling to pieces with decay +and neglect. A stunted tree, or pool of stagnant water, roused into a +sluggish action by the heavy rain of the preceding night, skirted the +path occasionally; and, now and then, a miserable patch of garden-ground, +with a few old boards knocked together for a summer-house, and old +palings imperfectly mended with stakes pilfered from the neighbouring +hedges, bore testimony, at once to the poverty of the inhabitants, and +the little scruple they entertained in appropriating the property of +other people to their own use. Occasionally, a filthy-looking woman +would make her appearance from the door of a dirty house, to empty the +contents of some cooking utensil into the gutter in front, or to scream +after a little slip-shod girl, who had contrived to stagger a few yards +from the door under the weight of a sallow infant almost as big as +herself; but, scarcely anything was stirring around: and so much of the +prospect as could be faintly traced through the cold damp mist which hung +heavily over it, presented a lonely and dreary appearance perfectly in +keeping with the objects we have described. + +After plodding wearily through the mud and mire; making many inquiries +for the place to which he had been directed; and receiving as many +contradictory and unsatisfactory replies in return; the young man at +length arrived before the house which had been pointed out to him as the +object of his destination. It was a small low building, one story above +the ground, with even a more desolate and unpromising exterior than any +he had yet passed. An old yellow curtain was closely drawn across the +window up-stairs, and the parlour shutters were closed, but not fastened. +The house was detached from any other, and, as it stood at an angle of a +narrow lane, there was no other habitation in sight. + +When we say that the surgeon hesitated, and walked a few paces beyond the +house, before he could prevail upon himself to lift the knocker, we say +nothing that need raise a smile upon the face of the boldest reader. The +police of London were a very different body in that day; the isolated +position of the suburbs, when the rage for building and the progress of +improvement had not yet begun to connect them with the main body of the +city and its environs, rendered many of them (and this in particular) a +place of resort for the worst and most depraved characters. Even the +streets in the gayest parts of London were imperfectly lighted, at that +time; and such places as these, were left entirely to the mercy of the +moon and stars. The chances of detecting desperate characters, or of +tracing them to their haunts, were thus rendered very few, and their +offences naturally increased in boldness, as the consciousness of +comparative security became the more impressed upon them by daily +experience. Added to these considerations, it must be remembered that +the young man had spent some time in the public hospitals of the +metropolis; and, although neither Burke nor Bishop had then gained a +horrible notoriety, his own observation might have suggested to him how +easily the atrocities to which the former has since given his name, might +be committed. Be this as it may, whatever reflection made him hesitate, +he _did_ hesitate: but, being a young man of strong mind and great +personal courage, it was only for an instant;--he stepped briskly back +and knocked gently at the door. + +A low whispering was audible, immediately afterwards, as if some person +at the end of the passage were conversing stealthily with another on the +landing above. It was succeeded by the noise of a pair of heavy boots +upon the bare floor. The door-chain was softly unfastened; the door +opened; and a tall, ill-favoured man, with black hair, and a face, as the +surgeon often declared afterwards, as pale and haggard, as the +countenance of any dead man he ever saw, presented himself. + +'Walk in, sir,' he said in a low tone. + +The surgeon did so, and the man having secured the door again, by the +chain, led the way to a small back parlour at the extremity of the +passage. + +'Am I in time?' + +'Too soon!' replied the man. The surgeon turned hastily round, with a +gesture of astonishment not unmixed with alarm, which he found it +impossible to repress. + +'If you'll step in here, sir,' said the man, who had evidently noticed +the action--'if you'll step in here, sir, you won't be detained five +minutes, I assure you.' + +The surgeon at once walked into the room. The man closed the door, and +left him alone. + +It was a little cold room, with no other furniture than two deal chairs, +and a table of the same material. A handful of fire, unguarded by any +fender, was burning in the grate, which brought out the damp if it served +no more comfortable purpose, for the unwholesome moisture was stealing +down the walls, in long slug-like tracks. The window, which was broken +and patched in many places, looked into a small enclosed piece of ground, +almost covered with water. Not a sound was to be heard, either within +the house, or without. The young surgeon sat down by the fireplace, to +await the result of his first professional visit. + +He had not remained in this position many minutes, when the noise of some +approaching vehicle struck his ear. It stopped; the street-door was +opened; a low talking succeeded, accompanied with a shuffling noise of +footsteps, along the passage and on the stairs, as if two or three men +were engaged in carrying some heavy body to the room above. The creaking +of the stairs, a few seconds afterwards, announced that the new-comers +having completed their task, whatever it was, were leaving the house. +The door was again closed, and the former silence was restored. + +Another five minutes had elapsed, and the surgeon had resolved to explore +the house, in search of some one to whom he might make his errand known, +when the room-door opened, and his last night's visitor, dressed in +exactly the same manner, with the veil lowered as before, motioned him to +advance. The singular height of her form, coupled with the circumstance +of her not speaking, caused the idea to pass across his brain for an +instant, that it might be a man disguised in woman's attire. The +hysteric sobs which issued from beneath the veil, and the convulsive +attitude of grief of the whole figure, however, at once exposed the +absurdity of the suspicion; and he hastily followed. + +The woman led the way up-stairs to the front room, and paused at the +door, to let him enter first. It was scantily furnished with an old deal +box, a few chairs, and a tent bedstead, without hangings or cross-rails, +which was covered with a patchwork counterpane. The dim light admitted +through the curtain which he had noticed from the outside, rendered the +objects in the room so indistinct, and communicated to all of them so +uniform a hue, that he did not, at first, perceive the object on which +his eye at once rested when the woman rushed frantically past him, and +flung herself on her knees by the bedside. + +Stretched upon the bed, closely enveloped in a linen wrapper, and covered +with blankets, lay a human form, stiff and motionless. The head and +face, which were those of a man, were uncovered, save by a bandage which +passed over the head and under the chin. The eyes were closed. The left +arm lay heavily across the bed, and the woman held the passive hand. + +The surgeon gently pushed the woman aside, and took the hand in his. + +'My God!' he exclaimed, letting it fall involuntarily--'the man is dead!' + +The woman started to her feet and beat her hands together. + +'Oh! don't say so, sir,' she exclaimed, with a burst of passion, +amounting almost to frenzy. 'Oh! don't say so, sir! I can't bear it! +Men have been brought to life, before, when unskilful people have given +them up for lost; and men have died, who might have been restored, if +proper means had been resorted to. Don't let him lie here, sir, without +one effort to save him! This very moment life may be passing away. Do +try, sir,--do, for Heaven's sake!'--And while speaking, she hurriedly +chafed, first the forehead, and then the breast, of the senseless form +before her; and then, wildly beat the cold hands, which, when she ceased +to hold them, fell listlessly and heavily back on the coverlet. + +'It is of no use, my good woman,' said the surgeon, soothingly, as he +withdrew his hand from the man's breast. 'Stay--undraw that curtain!' + +'Why?' said the woman, starting up. + +'Undraw that curtain!' repeated the surgeon in an agitated tone. + +'I darkened the room on purpose,' said the woman, throwing herself before +him as he rose to undraw it.--'Oh! sir, have pity on me! If it can be of +no use, and he is really dead, do not expose that form to other eyes than +mine!' + +'This man died no natural or easy death,' said the surgeon. 'I _must_ +see the body!' With a motion so sudden, that the woman hardly knew that +he had slipped from beside her, he tore open the curtain, admitted the +full light of day, and returned to the bedside. + +'There has been violence here,' he said, pointing towards the body, and +gazing intently on the face, from which the black veil was now, for the +first time, removed. In the excitement of a minute before, the female +had thrown off the bonnet and veil, and now stood with her eyes fixed +upon him. Her features were those of a woman about fifty, who had once +been handsome. Sorrow and weeping had left traces upon them which not +time itself would ever have produced without their aid; her face was +deadly pale; and there was a nervous contortion of the lip, and an +unnatural fire in her eye, which showed too plainly that her bodily and +mental powers had nearly sunk, beneath an accumulation of misery. + +'There has been violence here,' said the surgeon, preserving his +searching glance. + +'There has!' replied the woman. + +'This man has been murdered.' + +'That I call God to witness he has,' said the woman, passionately; +'pitilessly, inhumanly murdered!' + +'By whom?' said the surgeon, seizing the woman by the arm. + +'Look at the butchers' marks, and then ask me!' she replied. + +The surgeon turned his face towards the bed, and bent over the body which +now lay full in the light of the window. The throat was swollen, and a +livid mark encircled it. The truth flashed suddenly upon him. + +'This is one of the men who were hanged this morning!' he exclaimed, +turning away with a shudder. + +'It is,' replied the woman, with a cold, unmeaning stare. + +'Who was he?' inquired the surgeon. + +'_My son_,' rejoined the woman; and fell senseless at his feet. + +It was true. A companion, equally guilty with himself, had been +acquitted for want of evidence; and this man had been left for death, and +executed. To recount the circumstances of the case, at this distant +period, must be unnecessary, and might give pain to some persons still +alive. The history was an every-day one. The mother was a widow without +friends or money, and had denied herself necessaries to bestow them on +her orphan boy. That boy, unmindful of her prayers, and forgetful of the +sufferings she had endured for him--incessant anxiety of mind, and +voluntary starvation of body--had plunged into a career of dissipation +and crime. And this was the result; his own death by the hangman's +hands, and his mother's shame, and incurable insanity. + +For many years after this occurrence, and when profitable and arduous +avocations would have led many men to forget that such a miserable being +existed, the young surgeon was a daily visitor at the side of the +harmless mad woman; not only soothing her by his presence and kindness, +but alleviating the rigour of her condition by pecuniary donations for +her comfort and support, bestowed with no sparing hand. In the transient +gleam of recollection and consciousness which preceded her death, a +prayer for his welfare and protection, as fervent as mortal ever +breathed, rose from the lips of this poor friendless creature. That +prayer flew to Heaven, and was heard. The blessings he was instrumental +in conferring, have been repaid to him a thousand-fold; but, amid all the +honours of rank and station which have since been heaped upon him, and +which he has so well earned, he can have no reminiscence more gratifying +to his heart than that connected with The Black Veil. + + + +CHAPTER VII--THE STEAM EXCURSION + + +Mr. Percy Noakes was a law student, inhabiting a set of chambers on the +fourth floor, in one of those houses in Gray's-inn-square which command +an extensive view of the gardens, and their usual adjuncts--flaunting +nursery-maids, and town-made children, with parenthetical legs. Mr. +Percy Noakes was what is generally termed--'a devilish good fellow.' He +had a large circle of acquaintance, and seldom dined at his own expense. +He used to talk politics to papas, flatter the vanity of mammas, do the +amiable to their daughters, make pleasure engagements with their sons, +and romp with the younger branches. Like those paragons of perfection, +advertising footmen out of place, he was always 'willing to make himself +generally useful.' If any old lady, whose son was in India, gave a ball, +Mr. Percy Noakes was master of the ceremonies; if any young lady made a +stolen match, Mr. Percy Noakes gave her away; if a juvenile wife +presented her husband with a blooming cherub, Mr. Percy Noakes was either +godfather, or deputy-godfather; and if any member of a friend's family +died, Mr. Percy Noakes was invariably to be seen in the second mourning +coach, with a white handkerchief to his eyes, sobbing--to use his own +appropriate and expressive description--'like winkin'!' + +It may readily be imagined that these numerous avocations were rather +calculated to interfere with Mr. Percy Noakes's professional studies. +Mr. Percy Noakes was perfectly aware of the fact, and had, therefore, +after mature reflection, made up his mind not to study at all--a laudable +determination, to which he adhered in the most praiseworthy manner. His +sitting-room presented a strange chaos of dress-gloves, boxing-gloves, +caricatures, albums, invitation-cards, foils, cricket-bats, cardboard +drawings, paste, gum, and fifty other miscellaneous articles, heaped +together in the strangest confusion. He was always making something for +somebody, or planning some party of pleasure, which was his great +_forte_. He invariably spoke with astonishing rapidity; was smart, +spoffish, and eight-and-twenty. + +'Splendid idea, 'pon my life!' soliloquised Mr. Percy Noakes, over his +morning coffee, as his mind reverted to a suggestion which had been +thrown out on the previous night, by a lady at whose house he had spent +the evening. 'Glorious idea!--Mrs. Stubbs.' + +'Yes, sir,' replied a dirty old woman with an inflamed countenance, +emerging from the bedroom, with a barrel of dirt and cinders.--This was +the laundress. 'Did you call, sir?' + +'Oh! Mrs. Stubbs, I'm going out. If that tailor should call again, +you'd better say--you'd better say I'm out of town, and shan't be back +for a fortnight; and if that bootmaker should come, tell him I've lost +his address, or I'd have sent him that little amount. Mind he writes it +down; and if Mr. Hardy should call--you know Mr. Hardy?' + +'The funny gentleman, sir?' + +'Ah! the funny gentleman. If Mr. Hardy should call, say I've gone to +Mrs. Taunton's about that water-party.' + +'Yes, sir.' + +'And if any fellow calls, and says he's come about a steamer, tell him to +be here at five o'clock this afternoon, Mrs. Stubbs.' + +'Very well, sir.' + +Mr. Percy Noakes brushed his hat, whisked the crumbs off his +inexpressibles with a silk handkerchief, gave the ends of his hair a +persuasive roll round his forefinger, and sallied forth for Mrs. +Taunton's domicile in Great Marlborough-street, where she and her +daughters occupied the upper part of a house. She was a good-looking +widow of fifty, with the form of a giantess and the mind of a child. The +pursuit of pleasure, and some means of killing time, were the sole end of +her existence. She doted on her daughters, who were as frivolous as +herself. + +A general exclamation of satisfaction hailed the arrival of Mr. Percy +Noakes, who went through the ordinary salutations, and threw himself into +an easy chair near the ladies' work-table, with the ease of a regularly +established friend of the family. Mrs. Taunton was busily engaged in +planting immense bright bows on every part of a smart cap on which it was +possible to stick one; Miss Emily Taunton was making a watch-guard; Miss +Sophia was at the piano, practising a new song--poetry by the young +officer, or the police-officer, or the custom-house officer, or some +other interesting amateur. + +'You good creature!' said Mrs. Taunton, addressing the gallant Percy. +'You really are a good soul! You've come about the water-party, I know.' + +'I should rather suspect I had,' replied Mr. Noakes, triumphantly. 'Now, +come here, girls, and I'll tell you all about it.' Miss Emily and Miss +Sophia advanced to the table. + +'Now,' continued Mr. Percy Noakes, 'it seems to me that the best way will +be, to have a committee of ten, to make all the arrangements, and manage +the whole set-out. Then, I propose that the expenses shall be paid by +these ten fellows jointly.' + +'Excellent, indeed!' said Mrs. Taunton, who highly approved of this part +of the arrangements. + +'Then, my plan is, that each of these ten fellows shall have the power of +asking five people. There must be a meeting of the committee, at my +chambers, to make all the arrangements, and these people shall be then +named; every member of the committee shall have the power of +black-balling any one who is proposed; and one black ball shall exclude +that person. This will ensure our having a pleasant party, you know.' + +'What a manager you are!' interrupted Mrs. Taunton again. + +'Charming!' said the lovely Emily. + +'I never did!' ejaculated Sophia. + +'Yes, I think it'll do,' replied Mr. Percy Noakes, who was now quite in +his element. 'I think it'll do. Then you know we shall go down to the +Nore, and back, and have a regular capital cold dinner laid out in the +cabin before we start, so that everything may be ready without any +confusion; and we shall have the lunch laid out, on deck, in those little +tea-garden-looking concerns by the paddle-boxes--I don't know what you +call 'em. Then, we shall hire a steamer expressly for our party, and a +band, and have the deck chalked, and we shall be able to dance quadrilles +all day; and then, whoever we know that's musical, you know, why they'll +make themselves useful and agreeable; and--and--upon the whole, I really +hope we shall have a glorious day, you know!' + +The announcement of these arrangements was received with the utmost +enthusiasm. Mrs. Taunton, Emily, and Sophia, were loud in their praises. + +'Well, but tell me, Percy,' said Mrs. Taunton, 'who are the ten gentlemen +to be?' + +'Oh! I know plenty of fellows who'll be delighted with the scheme,' +replied Mr. Percy Noakes; 'of course we shall have--' + +'Mr. Hardy!' interrupted the servant, announcing a visitor. Miss Sophia +and Miss Emily hastily assumed the most interesting attitudes that could +be adopted on so short a notice. + +'How are you?' said a stout gentleman of about forty, pausing at the door +in the attitude of an awkward harlequin. This was Mr. Hardy, whom we +have before described, on the authority of Mrs. Stubbs, as 'the funny +gentleman.' He was an Astley-Cooperish Joe Miller--a practical joker, +immensely popular with married ladies, and a general favourite with young +men. He was always engaged in some pleasure excursion or other, and +delighted in getting somebody into a scrape on such occasions. He could +sing comic songs, imitate hackney-coachmen and fowls, play airs on his +chin, and execute concertos on the Jews'-harp. He always eat and drank +most immoderately, and was the bosom friend of Mr. Percy Noakes. He had +a red face, a somewhat husky voice, and a tremendous laugh. + +'How _are_ you?' said this worthy, laughing, as if it were the finest +joke in the world to make a morning call, and shaking hands with the +ladies with as much vehemence as if their arms had been so many +pump-handles. + +'You're just the very man I wanted,' said Mr. Percy Noakes, who proceeded +to explain the cause of his being in requisition. + +'Ha! ha! ha!' shouted Hardy, after hearing the statement, and receiving a +detailed account of the proposed excursion. 'Oh, capital! glorious! +What a day it will be! what fun!--But, I say, when are you going to begin +making the arrangements?' + +'No time like the present--at once, if you please.' + +'Oh, charming!' cried the ladies. 'Pray, do!' + +Writing materials were laid before Mr. Percy Noakes, and the names of the +different members of the committee were agreed on, after as much +discussion between him and Mr. Hardy as if the fate of nations had +depended on their appointment. It was then agreed that a meeting should +take place at Mr. Percy Noakes's chambers on the ensuing Wednesday +evening at eight o'clock, and the visitors departed. + +Wednesday evening arrived; eight o'clock came, and eight members of the +committee were punctual in their attendance. Mr. Loggins, the solicitor, +of Boswell-court, sent an excuse, and Mr. Samuel Briggs, the ditto of +Furnival's Inn, sent his brother: much to his (the brother's) +satisfaction, and greatly to the discomfiture of Mr. Percy Noakes. +Between the Briggses and the Tauntons there existed a degree of +implacable hatred, quite unprecedented. The animosity between the +Montagues and Capulets, was nothing to that which prevailed between these +two illustrious houses. Mrs. Briggs was a widow, with three daughters +and two sons; Mr. Samuel, the eldest, was an attorney, and Mr. Alexander, +the youngest, was under articles to his brother. They resided in +Portland-street, Oxford-street, and moved in the same orbit as the +Tauntons--hence their mutual dislike. If the Miss Briggses appeared in +smart bonnets, the Miss Tauntons eclipsed them with smarter. If Mrs. +Taunton appeared in a cap of all the hues of the rainbow, Mrs. Briggs +forthwith mounted a toque, with all the patterns of the kaleidoscope. If +Miss Sophia Taunton learnt a new song, two of the Miss Briggses came out +with a new duet. The Tauntons had once gained a temporary triumph with +the assistance of a harp, but the Briggses brought three guitars into the +field, and effectually routed the enemy. There was no end to the rivalry +between them. + +Now, as Mr. Samuel Briggs was a mere machine, a sort of self-acting legal +walking-stick; and as the party was known to have originated, however +remotely, with Mrs. Taunton, the female branches of the Briggs family had +arranged that Mr. Alexander should attend, instead of his brother; and as +the said Mr. Alexander was deservedly celebrated for possessing all the +pertinacity of a bankruptcy-court attorney, combined with the obstinacy +of that useful animal which browses on the thistle, he required but +little tuition. He was especially enjoined to make himself as +disagreeable as possible; and, above all, to black-ball the Tauntons at +every hazard. + +The proceedings of the evening were opened by Mr. Percy Noakes. After +successfully urging on the gentlemen present the propriety of their +mixing some brandy-and-water, he briefly stated the object of the +meeting, and concluded by observing that the first step must be the +selection of a chairman, necessarily possessing some arbitrary--he +trusted not unconstitutional--powers, to whom the personal direction of +the whole of the arrangements (subject to the approval of the committee) +should be confided. A pale young gentleman, in a green stock and +spectacles of the same, a member of the honourable society of the Inner +Temple, immediately rose for the purpose of proposing Mr. Percy Noakes. +He had known him long, and this he would say, that a more honourable, a +more excellent, or a better-hearted fellow, never existed.--(Hear, hear!) +The young gentleman, who was a member of a debating society, took this +opportunity of entering into an examination of the state of the English +law, from the days of William the Conqueror down to the present period; +he briefly adverted to the code established by the ancient Druids; +slightly glanced at the principles laid down by the Athenian law-givers; +and concluded with a most glowing eulogium on pic-nics and constitutional +rights. + +Mr. Alexander Briggs opposed the motion. He had the highest esteem for +Mr. Percy Noakes as an individual, but he did consider that he ought not +to be intrusted with these immense powers--(oh, oh!)--He believed that in +the proposed capacity Mr. Percy Noakes would not act fairly, impartially, +or honourably; but he begged it to be distinctly understood, that he said +this, without the slightest personal disrespect. Mr. Hardy defended his +honourable friend, in a voice rendered partially unintelligible by +emotion and brandy-and-water. The proposition was put to the vote, and +there appearing to be only one dissentient voice, Mr. Percy Noakes was +declared duly elected, and took the chair accordingly. + +The business of the meeting now proceeded with rapidity. The chairman +delivered in his estimate of the probable expense of the excursion, and +every one present subscribed his portion thereof. The question was put +that 'The Endeavour' be hired for the occasion; Mr. Alexander Briggs +moved as an amendment, that the word 'Fly' be substituted for the word +'Endeavour'; but after some debate consented to withdraw his opposition. +The important ceremony of balloting then commenced. A tea-caddy was +placed on a table in a dark corner of the apartment, and every one was +provided with two backgammon men, one black and one white. + +The chairman with great solemnity then read the following list of the +guests whom he proposed to introduce:--Mrs. Taunton and two daughters, +Mr. Wizzle, Mr. Simson. The names were respectively balloted for, and +Mrs. Taunton and her daughters were declared to be black-balled. Mr. +Percy Noakes and Mr. Hardy exchanged glances. + +'Is your list prepared, Mr. Briggs?' inquired the chairman. + +'It is,' replied Alexander, delivering in the following:--'Mrs. Briggs +and three daughters, Mr. Samuel Briggs.' The previous ceremony was +repeated, and Mrs. Briggs and three daughters were declared to be +black-balled. Mr. Alexander Briggs looked rather foolish, and the +remainder of the company appeared somewhat overawed by the mysterious +nature of the proceedings. + +The balloting proceeded; but, one little circumstance which Mr. Percy +Noakes had not originally foreseen, prevented the system from working +quite as well as he had anticipated. Everybody was black-balled. Mr. +Alexander Briggs, by way of retaliation, exercised his power of exclusion +in every instance, and the result was, that after three hours had been +consumed in hard balloting, the names of only three gentlemen were found +to have been agreed to. In this dilemma what was to be done? either the +whole plan must fall to the ground, or a compromise must be effected. +The latter alternative was preferable; and Mr. Percy Noakes therefore +proposed that the form of balloting should be dispensed with, and that +every gentleman should merely be required to state whom he intended to +bring. The proposal was acceded to; the Tauntons and the Briggses were +reinstated; and the party was formed. + +The next Wednesday was fixed for the eventful day, and it was unanimously +resolved that every member of the committee should wear a piece of blue +sarsenet ribbon round his left arm. It appeared from the statement of +Mr. Percy Noakes, that the boat belonged to the General Steam Navigation +Company, and was then lying off the Custom-house; and, as he proposed +that the dinner and wines should be provided by an eminent city purveyor, +it was arranged that Mr. Percy Noakes should be on board by seven o'clock +to superintend the arrangements, and that the remaining members of the +committee, together with the company generally, should be expected to +join her by nine o'clock. More brandy-and-water was despatched; several +speeches were made by the different law students present; thanks were +voted to the chairman; and the meeting separated. + +The weather had been beautiful up to this period, and beautiful it +continued to be. Sunday passed over, and Mr. Percy Noakes became +unusually fidgety--rushing, constantly, to and from the Steam Packet +Wharf, to the astonishment of the clerks, and the great emolument of the +Holborn cabmen. Tuesday arrived, and the anxiety of Mr. Percy Noakes +knew no bounds. He was every instant running to the window, to look out +for clouds; and Mr. Hardy astonished the whole square by practising a new +comic song for the occasion, in the chairman's chambers. + +Uneasy were the slumbers of Mr. Percy Noakes that night; he tossed and +tumbled about, and had confused dreams of steamers starting off, and +gigantic clocks with the hands pointing to a quarter-past nine, and the +ugly face of Mr. Alexander Briggs looking over the boat's side, and +grinning, as if in derision of his fruitless attempts to move. He made a +violent effort to get on board, and awoke. The bright sun was shining +cheerfully into the bedroom, and Mr. Percy Noakes started up for his +watch, in the dreadful expectation of finding his worst dreams realised. + +It was just five o'clock. He calculated the time--he should be a good +half-hour dressing himself; and as it was a lovely morning, and the tide +would be then running down, he would walk leisurely to Strand-lane, and +have a boat to the Custom-house. + +He dressed himself, took a hasty apology for a breakfast, and sallied +forth. The streets looked as lonely and deserted as if they had been +crowded, overnight, for the last time. Here and there, an early +apprentice, with quenched-looking sleepy eyes, was taking down the +shutters of a shop; and a policeman or milkwoman might occasionally be +seen pacing slowly along; but the servants had not yet begun to clean the +doors, or light the kitchen fires, and London looked the picture of +desolation. At the corner of a by-street, near Temple-bar, was stationed +a 'street-breakfast.' The coffee was boiling over a charcoal fire, and +large slices of bread and butter were piled one upon the other, like +deals in a timber-yard. The company were seated on a form, which, with a +view both to security and comfort, was placed against a neighbouring +wall. Two young men, whose uproarious mirth and disordered dress bespoke +the conviviality of the preceding evening, were treating three 'ladies' +and an Irish labourer. A little sweep was standing at a short distance, +casting a longing eye at the tempting delicacies; and a policeman was +watching the group from the opposite side of the street. The wan looks +and gaudy finery of the thinly-clad women contrasted as strangely with +the gay sunlight, as did their forced merriment with the boisterous +hilarity of the two young men, who, now and then, varied their amusements +by 'bonneting' the proprietor of this itinerant coffee-house. + +Mr. Percy Noakes walked briskly by, and when he turned down Strand-lane, +and caught a glimpse of the glistening water, he thought he had never +felt so important or so happy in his life. + +'Boat, sir?' cried one of the three watermen who were mopping out their +boats, and all whistling. 'Boat, sir?' + +'No,' replied Mr. Percy Noakes, rather sharply; for the inquiry was not +made in a manner at all suitable to his dignity. + +'Would you prefer a wessel, sir?' inquired another, to the infinite +delight of the 'Jack-in-the-water.' + +Mr. Percy Noakes replied with a look of supreme contempt. + +'Did you want to be put on board a steamer, sir?' inquired an old +fireman-waterman, very confidentially. He was dressed in a faded red +suit, just the colour of the cover of a very old Court-guide. + +'Yes, make haste--the Endeavour--off the Custom-house.' + +'Endeavour!' cried the man who had convulsed the 'Jack' before. 'Vy, I +see the Endeavour go up half an hour ago.' + +'So did I,' said another; 'and I should think she'd gone down by this +time, for she's a precious sight too full of ladies and gen'lemen.' + +Mr. Percy Noakes affected to disregard these representations, and stepped +into the boat, which the old man, by dint of scrambling, and shoving, and +grating, had brought up to the causeway. 'Shove her off!' cried Mr. +Percy Noakes, and away the boat glided down the river; Mr. Percy Noakes +seated on the recently mopped seat, and the watermen at the stairs +offering to bet him any reasonable sum that he'd never reach the +'Custum-us.' + +'Here she is, by Jove!' said the delighted Percy, as they ran alongside +the Endeavour. + +'Hold hard!' cried the steward over the side, and Mr. Percy Noakes jumped +on board. + +'Hope you will find everything as you wished, sir. She looks uncommon +well this morning.' + +'She does, indeed,' replied the manager, in a state of ecstasy which it +is impossible to describe. The deck was scrubbed, and the seats were +scrubbed, and there was a bench for the band, and a place for dancing, +and a pile of camp-stools, and an awning; and then Mr. Percy Noakes +bustled down below, and there were the pastrycook's men, and the +steward's wife, laying out the dinner on two tables the whole length of +the cabin; and then Mr. Percy Noakes took off his coat and rushed +backwards and forwards, doing nothing, but quite convinced he was +assisting everybody; and the steward's wife laughed till she cried, and +Mr. Percy Noakes panted with the violence of his exertions. And then the +bell at London-bridge wharf rang; and a Margate boat was just starting; +and a Gravesend boat was just starting, and people shouted, and porters +ran down the steps with luggage that would crush any men but porters; and +sloping boards, with bits of wood nailed on them, were placed between the +outside boat and the inside boat; and the passengers ran along them, and +looked like so many fowls coming out of an area; and then, the bell +ceased, and the boards were taken away, and the boats started, and the +whole scene was one of the most delightful bustle and confusion. + +The time wore on; half-past eight o'clock arrived; the pastry-cook's men +went ashore; the dinner was completely laid out; and Mr. Percy Noakes +locked the principal cabin, and put the key in his pocket, in order that +it might be suddenly disclosed, in all its magnificence, to the eyes of +the astonished company. The band came on board, and so did the wine. + +Ten minutes to nine, and the committee embarked in a body. There was Mr. +Hardy, in a blue jacket and waistcoat, white trousers, silk stockings, +and pumps--in full aquatic costume, with a straw hat on his head, and an +immense telescope under his arm; and there was the young gentleman with +the green spectacles, in nankeen inexplicables, with a ditto waistcoat +and bright buttons, like the pictures of Paul--not the saint, but he of +Virginia notoriety. The remainder of the committee, dressed in white +hats, light jackets, waistcoats, and trousers, looked something between +waiters and West India planters. + +Nine o'clock struck, and the company arrived in shoals. Mr. Samuel +Briggs, Mrs. Briggs, and the Misses Briggs, made their appearance in a +smart private wherry. The three guitars, in their respective dark green +cases, were carefully stowed away in the bottom of the boat, accompanied +by two immense portfolios of music, which it would take at least a week's +incessant playing to get through. The Tauntons arrived at the same +moment with more music, and a lion--a gentleman with a bass voice and an +incipient red moustache. The colours of the Taunton party were pink; +those of the Briggses a light blue. The Tauntons had artificial flowers +in their bonnets; here the Briggses gained a decided advantage--they wore +feathers. + +'How d'ye do, dear?' said the Misses Briggs to the Misses Taunton. (The +word 'dear' among girls is frequently synonymous with 'wretch.') + +'Quite well, thank you, dear,' replied the Misses Taunton to the Misses +Briggs; and then, there was such a kissing, and congratulating, and +shaking of hands, as might have induced one to suppose that the two +families were the best friends in the world, instead of each wishing the +other overboard, as they most sincerely did. + +Mr. Percy Noakes received the visitors, and bowed to the strange +gentleman, as if he should like to know who he was. This was just what +Mrs. Taunton wanted. Here was an opportunity to astonish the Briggses. + +'Oh! I beg your pardon,' said the general of the Taunton party, with a +careless air.--'Captain Helves--Mr. Percy Noakes--Mrs. Briggs--Captain +Helves.' + +Mr. Percy Noakes bowed very low; the gallant captain did the same with +all due ferocity, and the Briggses were clearly overcome. + +'Our friend, Mr. Wizzle, being unfortunately prevented from coming,' +resumed Mrs. Taunton, 'I did myself the pleasure of bringing the captain, +whose musical talents I knew would be a great acquisition.' + +'In the name of the committee I have to thank you for doing so, and to +offer you welcome, sir,' replied Percy. (Here the scraping was renewed.) +'But pray be seated--won't you walk aft? Captain, will you conduct Miss +Taunton?--Miss Briggs, will you allow me?' + +'Where could they have picked up that military man?' inquired Mrs. Briggs +of Miss Kate Briggs, as they followed the little party. + +'I can't imagine,' replied Miss Kate, bursting with vexation; for the +very fierce air with which the gallant captain regarded the company, had +impressed her with a high sense of his importance. + +Boat after boat came alongside, and guest after guest arrived. The +invites had been excellently arranged: Mr. Percy Noakes having considered +it as important that the number of young men should exactly tally with +that of the young ladies, as that the quantity of knives on board should +be in precise proportion to the forks. + +'Now, is every one on board?' inquired Mr. Percy Noakes. The committee +(who, with their bits of blue ribbon, looked as if they were all going to +be bled) bustled about to ascertain the fact, and reported that they +might safely start. + +'Go on!' cried the master of the boat from the top of one of the +paddle-boxes. + +'Go on!' echoed the boy, who was stationed over the hatchway to pass the +directions down to the engineer; and away went the vessel with that +agreeable noise which is peculiar to steamers, and which is composed of a +mixture of creaking, gushing, clanging, and snorting. + +'Hoi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-o-i-i-i!' shouted half-a-dozen voices from a boat, a +quarter of a mile astern. + +'Ease her!' cried the captain: 'do these people belong to us, sir?' + +'Noakes,' exclaimed Hardy, who had been looking at every object far and +near, through the large telescope, 'it's the Fleetwoods and the +Wakefields--and two children with them, by Jove!' + +'What a shame to bring children!' said everybody; 'how very +inconsiderate!' + +'I say, it would be a good joke to pretend not to see 'em, wouldn't it?' +suggested Hardy, to the immense delight of the company generally. A +council of war was hastily held, and it was resolved that the newcomers +should be taken on board, on Mr. Hardy solemnly pledging himself to tease +the children during the whole of the day. + +'Stop her!' cried the captain. + +'Stop her!' repeated the boy; whizz went the steam, and all the young +ladies, as in duty bound, screamed in concert. They were only appeased +by the assurance of the martial Helves, that the escape of steam +consequent on stopping a vessel was seldom attended with any great loss +of human life. + +Two men ran to the side; and after some shouting, and swearing, and +angling for the wherry with a boat-hook, Mr. Fleetwood, and Mrs. +Fleetwood, and Master Fleetwood, and Mr. Wakefield, and Mrs. Wakefield, +and Miss Wakefield, were safely deposited on the deck. The girl was +about six years old, the boy about four; the former was dressed in a +white frock with a pink sash and dog's-eared-looking little spencer: a +straw bonnet and green veil, six inches by three and a half; the latter, +was attired for the occasion in a nankeen frock, between the bottom of +which, and the top of his plaid socks, a considerable portion of two +small mottled legs was discernible. He had a light blue cap with a gold +band and tassel on his head, and a damp piece of gingerbread in his hand, +with which he had slightly embossed his countenance. + +The boat once more started off; the band played 'Off she goes:' the major +part of the company conversed cheerfully in groups; and the old gentlemen +walked up and down the deck in pairs, as perseveringly and gravely as if +they were doing a match against time for an immense stake. They ran +briskly down the Pool; the gentlemen pointed out the Docks, the Thames +Police-office, and other elegant public edifices; and the young ladies +exhibited a proper display of horror at the appearance of the +coal-whippers and ballast-heavers. Mr. Hardy told stories to the married +ladies, at which they laughed very much in their pocket-handkerchiefs, +and hit him on the knuckles with their fans, declaring him to be 'a +naughty man--a shocking creature'--and so forth; and Captain Helves gave +slight descriptions of battles and duels, with a most bloodthirsty air, +which made him the admiration of the women, and the envy of the men. +Quadrilling commenced; Captain Helves danced one set with Miss Emily +Taunton, and another set with Miss Sophia Taunton. Mrs. Taunton was in +ecstasies. The victory appeared to be complete; but alas! the +inconstancy of man! Having performed this necessary duty, he attached +himself solely to Miss Julia Briggs, with whom he danced no less than +three sets consecutively, and from whose side he evinced no intention of +stirring for the remainder of the day. + +Mr. Hardy, having played one or two very brilliant fantasias on the +Jews'-harp, and having frequently repeated the exquisitely amusing joke +of slily chalking a large cross on the back of some member of the +committee, Mr. Percy Noakes expressed his hope that some of their musical +friends would oblige the company by a display of their abilities. + +'Perhaps,' he said in a very insinuating manner, 'Captain Helves will +oblige us?' Mrs. Taunton's countenance lighted up, for the captain only +sang duets, and couldn't sing them with anybody but one of her daughters. + +'Really,' said that warlike individual, 'I should be very happy, 'but--' + +'Oh! pray do,' cried all the young ladies. + +'Miss Emily, have you any objection to join in a duet?' + +'Oh! not the slightest,' returned the young lady, in a tone which clearly +showed she had the greatest possible objection. + +'Shall I accompany you, dear?' inquired one of the Miss Briggses, with +the bland intention of spoiling the effect. + +'Very much obliged to you, Miss Briggs,' sharply retorted Mrs. Taunton, +who saw through the manoeuvre; 'my daughters always sing without +accompaniments.' + +'And without voices,' tittered Mrs. Briggs, in a low tone. + +'Perhaps,' said Mrs. Taunton, reddening, for she guessed the tenor of the +observation, though she had not heard it clearly--'Perhaps it would be as +well for some people, if their voices were not quite so audible as they +are to other people.' + +'And, perhaps, if gentlemen who are kidnapped to pay attention to some +persons' daughters, had not sufficient discernment to pay attention to +other persons' daughters,' returned Mrs. Briggs, 'some persons would not +be so ready to display that ill-temper which, thank God, distinguishes +them from other persons.' + +'Persons!' ejaculated Mrs. Taunton. + +'Persons,' replied Mrs. Briggs. + +'Insolence!' + +'Creature!' + +'Hush! hush!' interrupted Mr. Percy Noakes, who was one of the very few +by whom this dialogue had been overheard. 'Hush!--pray, silence for the +duet.' + +After a great deal of preparatory crowing and humming, the captain began +the following duet from the opera of 'Paul and Virginia,' in that +grunting tone in which a man gets down, Heaven knows where, without the +remotest chance of ever getting up again. This, in private circles, is +frequently designated 'a bass voice.' + + 'See (sung the captain) from o--ce--an ri--sing + Bright flames the or--b of d--ay. + From yon gro--ove, the varied so--ongs--' + +Here, the singer was interrupted by varied cries of the most dreadful +description, proceeding from some grove in the immediate vicinity of the +starboard paddle-box. + +'My child!' screamed Mrs. Fleetwood. 'My child! it is his voice--I know +it.' + +Mr. Fleetwood, accompanied by several gentlemen, here rushed to the +quarter from whence the noise proceeded, and an exclamation of horror +burst from the company; the general impression being, that the little +innocent had either got his head in the water, or his legs in the +machinery. + +'What is the matter?' shouted the agonised father, as he returned with +the child in his arms. + +'Oh! oh! oh!' screamed the small sufferer again. + +'What is the matter, dear?' inquired the father once more--hastily +stripping off the nankeen frock, for the purpose of ascertaining whether +the child had one bone which was not smashed to pieces. + +'Oh! oh!--I'm so frightened!' + +'What at, dear?--what at?' said the mother, soothing the sweet infant. + +'Oh! he's been making such dreadful faces at me,' cried the boy, +relapsing into convulsions at the bare recollection. + +'He!--who?' cried everybody, crowding round him. + +'Oh!--him!' replied the child, pointing at Hardy, who affected to be the +most concerned of the whole group. + +The real state of the case at once flashed upon the minds of all present, +with the exception of the Fleetwoods and the Wakefields. The facetious +Hardy, in fulfilment of his promise, had watched the child to a remote +part of the vessel, and, suddenly appearing before him with the most +awful contortions of visage, had produced his paroxysm of terror. Of +course, he now observed that it was hardly necessary for him to deny the +accusation; and the unfortunate little victim was accordingly led below, +after receiving sundry thumps on the head from both his parents, for +having the wickedness to tell a story. + +This little interruption having been adjusted, the captain resumed, and +Miss Emily chimed in, in due course. The duet was loudly applauded, and, +certainly, the perfect independence of the parties deserved great +commendation. Miss Emily sung her part, without the slightest reference +to the captain; and the captain sang so loud, that he had not the +slightest idea what was being done by his partner. After having gone +through the last few eighteen or nineteen bars by himself, therefore, he +acknowledged the plaudits of the circle with that air of self-denial +which men usually assume when they think they have done something to +astonish the company. + +'Now,' said Mr. Percy Noakes, who had just ascended from the fore-cabin, +where he had been busily engaged in decanting the wine, 'if the Misses +Briggs will oblige us with something before dinner, I am sure we shall be +very much delighted.' + +One of those hums of admiration followed the suggestion, which one +frequently hears in society, when nobody has the most distant notion what +he is expressing his approval of. The three Misses Briggs looked +modestly at their mamma, and the mamma looked approvingly at her +daughters, and Mrs. Taunton looked scornfully at all of them. The Misses +Briggs asked for their guitars, and several gentlemen seriously damaged +the cases in their anxiety to present them. Then, there was a very +interesting production of three little keys for the aforesaid cases, and +a melodramatic expression of horror at finding a string broken; and a +vast deal of screwing and tightening, and winding, and tuning, during +which Mrs. Briggs expatiated to those near her on the immense difficulty +of playing a guitar, and hinted at the wondrous proficiency of her +daughters in that mystic art. Mrs. Taunton whispered to a neighbour that +it was 'quite sickening!' and the Misses Taunton looked as if they knew +how to play, but disdained to do it. + +At length, the Misses Briggs began in real earnest. It was a new Spanish +composition, for three voices and three guitars. The effect was +electrical. All eyes were turned upon the captain, who was reported to +have once passed through Spain with his regiment, and who must be well +acquainted with the national music. He was in raptures. This was +sufficient; the trio was encored; the applause was universal; and never +had the Tauntons suffered such a complete defeat. + +'Bravo! bravo!' ejaculated the captain;--'bravo!' + +'Pretty! isn't it, sir?' inquired Mr. Samuel Briggs, with the air of a +self-satisfied showman. By-the-bye, these were the first words he had +been heard to utter since he left Boswell-court the evening before. + +'De-lightful!' returned the captain, with a flourish, and a military +cough;--'de-lightful!' + +'Sweet instrument!' said an old gentleman with a bald head, who had been +trying all the morning to look through a telescope, inside the glass of +which Mr. Hardy had fixed a large black wafer. + +'Did you ever hear a Portuguese tambourine?' inquired that jocular +individual. + +'Did _you_ ever hear a tom-tom, sir?' sternly inquired the captain, who +lost no opportunity of showing off his travels, real or pretended. + +'A what?' asked Hardy, rather taken aback. + +'A tom-tom.' + +'Never!' + +'Nor a gum-gum?' + +'Never!' + +'What _is_ a gum-gum?' eagerly inquired several young ladies. + +'When I was in the East Indies,' replied the captain--(here was a +discovery--he had been in the East Indies!)--'when I was in the East +Indies, I was once stopping a few thousand miles up the country, on a +visit at the house of a very particular friend of mine, Ram Chowdar Doss +Azuph Al Bowlar--a devilish pleasant fellow. As we were enjoying our +hookahs, one evening, in the cool verandah in front of his villa, we were +rather surprised by the sudden appearance of thirty-four of his +Kit-ma-gars (for he had rather a large establishment there), accompanied +by an equal number of Con-su-mars, approaching the house with a +threatening aspect, and beating a tom-tom. The Ram started up--' + +'Who?' inquired the bald gentleman, intensely interested. + +'The Ram--Ram Chowdar--' + +'Oh!' said the old gentleman, 'beg your pardon; pray go on.' + +'--Started up and drew a pistol. "Helves," said he, "my boy,"--he always +called me, my boy--"Helves," said he, "do you hear that tom-tom?" "I +do," said I. His countenance, which before was pale, assumed a most +frightful appearance; his whole visage was distorted, and his frame +shaken by violent emotions. "Do you see that gum-gum?" said he. "No," +said I, staring about me. "You don't?" said he. "No, I'll be damned if +I do," said I; "and what's more, I don't know what a gum-gum is," said I. +I really thought the Ram would have dropped. He drew me aside, and with +an expression of agony I shall never forget, said in a low whisper--' + +'Dinner's on the table, ladies,' interrupted the steward's wife. + +'Will you allow me?' said the captain, immediately suiting the action to +the word, and escorting Miss Julia Briggs to the cabin, with as much ease +as if he had finished the story. + +'What an extraordinary circumstance!' ejaculated the same old gentleman, +preserving his listening attitude. + +'What a traveller!' said the young ladies. + +'What a singular name!' exclaimed the gentlemen, rather confused by the +coolness of the whole affair. + +'I wish he had finished the story,' said an old lady. 'I wonder what a +gum-gum really is?' + +'By Jove!' exclaimed Hardy, who until now had been lost in utter +amazement, 'I don't know what it may be in India, but in England I think +a gum-gum has very much the same meaning as a hum-bug.' + +'How illiberal! how envious!' cried everybody, as they made for the +cabin, fully impressed with a belief in the captain's amazing adventures. +Helves was the sole lion for the remainder of the day--impudence and the +marvellous are pretty sure passports to any society. + +The party had by this time reached their destination, and put about on +their return home. The wind, which had been with them the whole day, was +now directly in their teeth; the weather had become gradually more and +more overcast; and the sky, water, and shore, were all of that dull, +heavy, uniform lead-colour, which house-painters daub in the first +instance over a street-door which is gradually approaching a state of +convalescence. It had been 'spitting' with rain for the last half-hour, +and now began to pour in good earnest. The wind was freshening very +fast, and the waterman at the wheel had unequivocally expressed his +opinion that there would shortly be a squall. A slight emotion on the +part of the vessel, now and then, seemed to suggest the possibility of +its pitching to a very uncomfortable extent in the event of its blowing +harder; and every timber began to creak, as if the boat were an overladen +clothes-basket. Sea-sickness, however, is like a belief in ghosts--every +one entertains some misgivings on the subject, but few will acknowledge +any. The majority of the company, therefore, endeavoured to look +peculiarly happy, feeling all the while especially miserable. + +'Don't it rain?' inquired the old gentleman before noticed, when, by dint +of squeezing and jamming, they were all seated at table. + +'I think it does--a little,' replied Mr. Percy Noakes, who could hardly +hear himself speak, in consequence of the pattering on the deck. + +'Don't it blow?' inquired some one else. + +'No, I don't think it does,' responded Hardy, sincerely wishing that he +could persuade himself that it did not; for he sat near the door, and was +almost blown off his seat. + +'It'll soon clear up,' said Mr. Percy Noakes, in a cheerful tone. + +'Oh, certainly!' ejaculated the committee generally. + +'No doubt of it!' said the remainder of the company, whose attention was +now pretty well engrossed by the serious business of eating, carving, +taking wine, and so forth. + +The throbbing motion of the engine was but too perceptible. There was a +large, substantial, cold boiled leg of mutton, at the bottom of the +table, shaking like blancmange; a previously hearty sirloin of beef +looked as if it had been suddenly seized with the palsy; and some +tongues, which were placed on dishes rather too large for them, went +through the most surprising evolutions; darting from side to side, and +from end to end, like a fly in an inverted wine-glass. Then, the sweets +shook and trembled, till it was quite impossible to help them, and people +gave up the attempt in despair; and the pigeon-pies looked as if the +birds, whose legs were stuck outside, were trying to get them in. The +table vibrated and started like a feverish pulse, and the very legs were +convulsed--everything was shaking and jarring. The beams in the roof of +the cabin seemed as if they were put there for the sole purpose of giving +people head-aches, and several elderly gentlemen became ill-tempered in +consequence. As fast as the steward put the fire-irons up, they _would_ +fall down again; and the more the ladies and gentlemen tried to sit +comfortably on their seats, the more the seats seemed to slide away from +the ladies and gentlemen. Several ominous demands were made for small +glasses of brandy; the countenances of the company gradually underwent +most extraordinary changes; one gentleman was observed suddenly to rush +from table without the slightest ostensible reason, and dart up the steps +with incredible swiftness: thereby greatly damaging both himself and the +steward, who happened to be coming down at the same moment. + +The cloth was removed; the dessert was laid on the table; and the glasses +were filled. The motion of the boat increased; several members of the +party began to feel rather vague and misty, and looked as if they had +only just got up. The young gentleman with the spectacles, who had been +in a fluctuating state for some time--at one moment bright, and at +another dismal, like a revolving light on the sea-coast--rashly announced +his wish to propose a toast. After several ineffectual attempts to +preserve his perpendicular, the young gentleman, having managed to hook +himself to the centre leg of the table with his left hand, proceeded as +follows: + +'Ladies and gentlemen. A gentleman is among us--I may say a +stranger--(here some painful thought seemed to strike the orator; he +paused, and looked extremely odd)--whose talents, whose travels, whose +cheerfulness--' + +'I beg your pardon, Edkins,' hastily interrupted Mr. Percy +Noakes,--'Hardy, what's the matter?' + +'Nothing,' replied the 'funny gentleman,' who had just life enough left +to utter two consecutive syllables. + +'Will you have some brandy?' + +'No!' replied Hardy in a tone of great indignation, and looking as +comfortable as Temple-bar in a Scotch mist; 'what should I want brandy +for?' + +'Will you go on deck?' + +'No, I will _not_.' This was said with a most determined air, and in a +voice which might have been taken for an imitation of anything; it was +quite as much like a guinea-pig as a bassoon. + +'I beg your pardon, Edkins,' said the courteous Percy; 'I thought our +friend was ill. Pray go on.' + +A pause. + +'Pray go on.' + +'Mr. Edkins _is_ gone,' cried somebody. + +'I beg your pardon, sir,' said the steward, running up to Mr. Percy +Noakes, 'I beg your pardon, sir, but the gentleman as just went on +deck--him with the green spectacles--is uncommon bad, to be sure; and the +young man as played the wiolin says, that unless he has some brandy he +can't answer for the consequences. He says he has a wife and two +children, whose werry subsistence depends on his breaking a wessel, and +he expects to do so every moment. The flageolet's been werry ill, but +he's better, only he's in a dreadful prusperation.' + +All disguise was now useless; the company staggered on deck; the +gentlemen tried to see nothing but the clouds; and the ladies, muffled up +in such shawls and cloaks as they had brought with them, lay about on the +seats, and under the seats, in the most wretched condition. Never was +such a blowing, and raining, and pitching, and tossing, endured by any +pleasure party before. Several remonstrances were sent down below, on +the subject of Master Fleetwood, but they were totally unheeded in +consequence of the indisposition of his natural protectors. That +interesting child screamed at the top of his voice, until he had no voice +left to scream with; and then, Miss Wakefield began, and screamed for the +remainder of the passage. + +Mr. Hardy was observed, some hours afterwards, in an attitude which +induced his friends to suppose that he was busily engaged in +contemplating the beauties of the deep; they only regretted that his +taste for the picturesque should lead him to remain so long in a +position, very injurious at all times, but especially so, to an +individual labouring under a tendency of blood to the head. + +The party arrived off the Custom-house at about two o'clock on the +Thursday morning dispirited and worn out. The Tauntons were too ill to +quarrel with the Briggses, and the Briggses were too wretched to annoy +the Tauntons. One of the guitar-cases was lost on its passage to a +hackney-coach, and Mrs. Briggs has not scrupled to state that the +Tauntons bribed a porter to throw it down an area. Mr. Alexander Briggs +opposes vote by ballot--he says from personal experience of its +inefficacy; and Mr. Samuel Briggs, whenever he is asked to express his +sentiments on the point, says he has no opinion on that or any other +subject. + +Mr. Edkins--the young gentleman in the green spectacles--makes a speech +on every occasion on which a speech can possibly be made: the eloquence +of which can only be equalled by its length. In the event of his not +being previously appointed to a judgeship, it is probable that he will +practise as a barrister in the New Central Criminal Court. + +Captain Helves continued his attention to Miss Julia Briggs, whom he +might possibly have espoused, if it had not unfortunately happened that +Mr. Samuel arrested him, in the way of business, pursuant to instructions +received from Messrs. Scroggins and Payne, whose town-debts the gallant +captain had condescended to collect, but whose accounts, with the +indiscretion sometimes peculiar to military minds, he had omitted to keep +with that dull accuracy which custom has rendered necessary. Mrs. +Taunton complains that she has been much deceived in him. He introduced +himself to the family on board a Gravesend steam-packet, and certainly, +therefore, ought to have proved respectable. + +Mr. Percy Noakes is as light-hearted and careless as ever. + + + +CHAPTER VIII--THE GREAT WINGLEBURY DUEL + + +The little town of Great Winglebury is exactly forty-two miles and +three-quarters from Hyde Park corner. It has a long, straggling, quiet +High-street, with a great black and white clock at a small red Town-hall, +half-way up--a market-place--a cage--an assembly-room--a church--a +bridge--a chapel--a theatre--a library--an inn--a pump--and a +Post-office. Tradition tells of a 'Little Winglebury,' down some +cross-road about two miles off; and, as a square mass of dirty paper, +supposed to have been originally intended for a letter, with certain +tremulous characters inscribed thereon, in which a lively imagination +might trace a remote resemblance to the word 'Little,' was once stuck up +to be owned in the sunny window of the Great Winglebury Post-office, from +which it only disappeared when it fell to pieces with dust and extreme +old age, there would appear to be some foundation for the legend. Common +belief is inclined to bestow the name upon a little hole at the end of a +muddy lane about a couple of miles long, colonised by one wheelwright, +four paupers, and a beer-shop; but, even this authority, slight as it is, +must be regarded with extreme suspicion, inasmuch as the inhabitants of +the hole aforesaid, concur in opining that it never had any name at all, +from the earliest ages down to the present day. + +The Winglebury Arms, in the centre of the High-street, opposite the small +building with the big clock, is the principal inn of Great +Winglebury--the commercial-inn, posting-house, and excise-office; the +'Blue' house at every election, and the judges' house at every assizes. +It is the head-quarters of the Gentlemen's Whist Club of Winglebury Blues +(so called in opposition to the Gentlemen's Whist Club of Winglebury +Buffs, held at the other house, a little further down): and whenever a +juggler, or wax-work man, or concert-giver, takes Great Winglebury in his +circuit, it is immediately placarded all over the town that Mr. +So-and-so, 'trusting to that liberal support which the inhabitants of +Great Winglebury have long been so liberal in bestowing, has at a great +expense engaged the elegant and commodious assembly-rooms, attached to +the Winglebury Arms.' The house is a large one, with a red brick and +stone front; a pretty spacious hall, ornamented with evergreen plants, +terminates in a perspective view of the bar, and a glass case, in which +are displayed a choice variety of delicacies ready for dressing, to catch +the eye of a new-comer the moment he enters, and excite his appetite to +the highest possible pitch. Opposite doors lead to the 'coffee' and +'commercial' rooms; and a great wide, rambling staircase,--three stairs +and a landing--four stairs and another landing--one step and another +landing--half-a-dozen stairs and another landing--and so on--conducts to +galleries of bedrooms, and labyrinths of sitting-rooms, denominated +'private,' where you may enjoy yourself, as privately as you can in any +place where some bewildered being walks into your room every five +minutes, by mistake, and then walks out again, to open all the doors +along the gallery until he finds his own. + +Such is the Winglebury Arms, at this day, and such was the Winglebury +Arms some time since--no matter when--two or three minutes before the +arrival of the London stage. Four horses with cloths on--change for a +coach--were standing quietly at the corner of the yard surrounded by a +listless group of post-boys in shiny hats and smock-frocks, engaged in +discussing the merits of the cattle; half a dozen ragged boys were +standing a little apart, listening with evident interest to the +conversation of these worthies; and a few loungers were collected round +the horse-trough, awaiting the arrival of the coach. + +The day was hot and sunny, the town in the zenith of its dulness, and +with the exception of these few idlers, not a living creature was to be +seen. Suddenly, the loud notes of a key-bugle broke the monotonous +stillness of the street; in came the coach, rattling over the uneven +paving with a noise startling enough to stop even the large-faced clock +itself. Down got the outsides, up went the windows in all directions, +out came the waiters, up started the ostlers, and the loungers, and the +post-boys, and the ragged boys, as if they were electrified--unstrapping, +and unchaining, and unbuckling, and dragging willing horses out, and +forcing reluctant horses in, and making a most exhilarating bustle. +'Lady inside, here!' said the guard. 'Please to alight, ma'am,' said the +waiter. 'Private sitting-room?' interrogated the lady. 'Certainly, +ma'am,' responded the chamber-maid. 'Nothing but these 'ere trunks, +ma'am?' inquired the guard. 'Nothing more,' replied the lady. Up got +the outsides again, and the guard, and the coachman; off came the cloths, +with a jerk; 'All right,' was the cry; and away they went. The loungers +lingered a minute or two in the road, watching the coach until it turned +the corner, and then loitered away one by one. The street was clear +again, and the town, by contrast, quieter than ever. + +'Lady in number twenty-five,' screamed the landlady.--'Thomas!' + +'Yes, ma'am.' + +'Letter just been left for the gentleman in number nineteen. Boots at +the Lion left it. No answer.' + +'Letter for you, sir,' said Thomas, depositing the letter on number +nineteen's table. + +'For me?' said number nineteen, turning from the window, out of which he +had been surveying the scene just described. + +'Yes, sir,'--(waiters always speak in hints, and never utter complete +sentences,)--'yes, sir,--Boots at the Lion, sir,--Bar, sir,--Missis said +number nineteen, sir--Alexander Trott, Esq., sir?--Your card at the bar, +sir, I think, sir?' + +'My name _is_ Trott,' replied number nineteen, breaking the seal. 'You +may go, waiter.' The waiter pulled down the window-blind, and then +pulled it up again--for a regular waiter must do something before he +leaves the room--adjusted the glasses on the side-board, brushed a place +that was _not_ dusty, rubbed his hands very hard, walked stealthily to +the door, and evaporated. + +There was, evidently, something in the contents of the letter, of a +nature, if not wholly unexpected, certainly extremely disagreeable. Mr. +Alexander Trott laid it down, and took it up again, and walked about the +room on particular squares of the carpet, and even attempted, though +unsuccessfully, to whistle an air. It wouldn't do. He threw himself +into a chair, and read the following epistle aloud:-- + + 'Blue Lion and Stomach-warmer, + 'Great Winglebury. + '_Wednesday Morning_. + + 'Sir. Immediately on discovering your intentions, I left our + counting-house, and followed you. I know the purport of your + journey;--that journey shall never be completed. + + 'I have no friend here, just now, on whose secrecy I can rely. This + shall be no obstacle to my revenge. Neither shall Emily Brown be + exposed to the mercenary solicitations of a scoundrel, odious in her + eyes, and contemptible in everybody else's: nor will I tamely submit + to the clandestine attacks of a base umbrella-maker. + + 'Sir. From Great Winglebury church, a footpath leads through four + meadows to a retired spot known to the townspeople as Stiffun's + Acre.' [Mr. Trott shuddered.] 'I shall be waiting there alone, at + twenty minutes before six o'clock to-morrow morning. Should I be + disappointed in seeing you there, I will do myself the pleasure of + calling with a horsewhip. + + 'HORACE HUNTER. + + 'PS. There is a gunsmiths in the High-street; and they won't sell + gunpowder after dark--you understand me. + + 'PPS. You had better not order your breakfast in the morning until + you have met me. It may be an unnecessary expense.' + +'Desperate-minded villain! I knew how it would be!' ejaculated the +terrified Trott. 'I always told father, that once start me on this +expedition, and Hunter would pursue me like the Wandering Jew. It's bad +enough as it is, to marry with the old people's commands, and without the +girl's consent; but what will Emily think of me, if I go down there +breathless with running away from this infernal salamander? What _shall_ +I do? What _can_ I do? If I go back to the city, I'm disgraced for +ever--lose the girl--and, what's more, lose the money too. Even if I did +go on to the Browns' by the coach, Hunter would be after me in a +post-chaise; and if I go to this place, this Stiffun's Acre (another +shudder), I'm as good as dead. I've seen him hit the man at the +Pall-mall shooting-gallery, in the second button-hole of the waistcoat, +five times out of every six, and when he didn't hit him there, he hit him +in the head.' With this consolatory reminiscence Mr. Alexander Trott +again ejaculated, 'What shall I do?' + +Long and weary were his reflections, as, burying his face in his hand, he +sat, ruminating on the best course to be pursued. His mental +direction-post pointed to London. He thought of the 'governor's' anger, +and the loss of the fortune which the paternal Brown had promised the +paternal Trott his daughter should contribute to the coffers of his son. +Then the words 'To Brown's' were legibly inscribed on the said +direction-post, but Horace Hunter's denunciation rung in his ears;--last +of all it bore, in red letters, the words, 'To Stiffun's Acre;' and then +Mr. Alexander Trott decided on adopting a plan which he presently +matured. + +First and foremost, he despatched the under-boots to the Blue Lion and +Stomach-warmer, with a gentlemanly note to Mr. Horace Hunter, intimating +that he thirsted for his destruction and would do himself the pleasure of +slaughtering him next morning, without fail. He then wrote another +letter, and requested the attendance of the other boots--for they kept a +pair. A modest knock at the room door was heard. 'Come in,' said Mr. +Trott. A man thrust in a red head with one eye in it, and being again +desired to 'come in,' brought in the body and the legs to which the head +belonged, and a fur cap which belonged to the head. + +'You are the upper-boots, I think?' inquired Mr. Trott. + +'Yes, I am the upper-boots,' replied a voice from inside a velveteen +case, with mother-of-pearl buttons--'that is, I'm the boots as b'longs to +the house; the other man's my man, as goes errands and does odd jobs. +Top-boots and half-boots, I calls us.' + +'You're from London?' inquired Mr. Trott. + +'Driv a cab once,' was the laconic reply. + +'Why don't you drive it now?' asked Mr. Trott. + +'Over-driv the cab, and driv over a 'ooman,' replied the top-boots, with +brevity. + +'Do you know the mayor's house?' inquired Mr. Trott. + +'Rather,' replied the boots, significantly, as if he had some good reason +to remember it. + +'Do you think you could manage to leave a letter there?' interrogated +Trott. + +'Shouldn't wonder,' responded boots. + +'But this letter,' said Trott, holding a deformed note with a paralytic +direction in one hand, and five shillings in the other--'this letter is +anonymous.' + +'A--what?' interrupted the boots. + +'Anonymous--he's not to know who it comes from.' + +'Oh! I see,' responded the reg'lar, with a knowing wink, but without +evincing the slightest disinclination to undertake the charge--'I +see--bit o' Sving, eh?' and his one eye wandered round the room, as if in +quest of a dark lantern and phosphorus-box. 'But, I say!' he continued, +recalling the eye from its search, and bringing it to bear on Mr. Trott. +'I say, he's a lawyer, our mayor, and insured in the County. If you've a +spite agen him, you'd better not burn his house down--blessed if I don't +think it would be the greatest favour you could do him.' And he chuckled +inwardly. + +If Mr. Alexander Trott had been in any other situation, his first act +would have been to kick the man down-stairs by deputy; or, in other +words, to ring the bell, and desire the landlord to take his boots off. +He contented himself, however, with doubling the fee and explaining that +the letter merely related to a breach of the peace. The top-boots +retired, solemnly pledged to secrecy; and Mr. Alexander Trott sat down to +a fried sole, maintenon cutlet, Madeira, and sundries, with greater +composure than he had experienced since the receipt of Horace Hunter's +letter of defiance. + +The lady who alighted from the London coach had no sooner been installed +in number twenty-five, and made some alteration in her travelling-dress, +than she indited a note to Joseph Overton, esquire, solicitor, and mayor +of Great Winglebury, requesting his immediate attendance on private +business of paramount importance--a summons which that worthy functionary +lost no time in obeying; for after sundry openings of his eyes, divers +ejaculations of 'Bless me!' and other manifestations of surprise, he took +his broad-brimmed hat from its accustomed peg in his little front office, +and walked briskly down the High-street to the Winglebury Arms; through +the hall and up the staircase of which establishment he was ushered by +the landlady, and a crowd of officious waiters, to the door of number +twenty-five. + +'Show the gentleman in,' said the stranger lady, in reply to the foremost +waiter's announcement. The gentleman was shown in accordingly. + +The lady rose from the sofa; the mayor advanced a step from the door; and +there they both paused, for a minute or two, looking at one another as if +by mutual consent. The mayor saw before him a buxom, richly-dressed +female of about forty; the lady looked upon a sleek man, about ten years +older, in drab shorts and continuations, black coat, neckcloth, and +gloves. + +'Miss Julia Manners!' exclaimed the mayor at length, 'you astonish me.' + +'That's very unfair of you, Overton,' replied Miss Julia, 'for I have +known you, long enough, not to be surprised at anything you do, and you +might extend equal courtesy to me.' + +'But to run away--actually run away--with a young man!' remonstrated the +mayor. + +'You wouldn't have me actually run away with an old one, I presume?' was +the cool rejoinder. + +'And then to ask me--me--of all people in the world--a man of my age and +appearance--mayor of the town--to promote such a scheme!' pettishly +ejaculated Joseph Overton; throwing himself into an arm-chair, and +producing Miss Julia's letter from his pocket, as if to corroborate the +assertion that he _had_ been asked. + +'Now, Overton,' replied the lady, 'I want your assistance in this matter, +and I must have it. In the lifetime of that poor old dear, Mr. +Cornberry, who--who--' + +'Who was to have married you, and didn't, because he died first; and who +left you his property unencumbered with the addition of himself,' +suggested the mayor. + +'Well,' replied Miss Julia, reddening slightly, 'in the lifetime of the +poor old dear, the property had the incumbrance of your management; and +all I will say of that, is, that I only wonder it didn't die of +consumption instead of its master. You helped yourself then:--help me +now.' + +Mr. Joseph Overton was a man of the world, and an attorney; and as +certain indistinct recollections of an odd thousand pounds or two, +appropriated by mistake, passed across his mind he hemmed deprecatingly, +smiled blandly, remained silent for a few seconds; and finally inquired, +'What do you wish me to do?' + +'I'll tell you,' replied Miss Julia--'I'll tell you in three words. Dear +Lord Peter--' + +'That's the young man, I suppose--' interrupted the mayor. + +'That's the young Nobleman,' replied the lady, with a great stress on the +last word. 'Dear Lord Peter is considerably afraid of the resentment of +his family; and we have therefore thought it better to make the match a +stolen one. He left town, to avoid suspicion, on a visit to his friend, +the Honourable Augustus Flair, whose seat, as you know, is about thirty +miles from this, accompanied only by his favourite tiger. We arranged +that I should come here alone in the London coach; and that he, leaving +his tiger and cab behind him, should come on, and arrive here as soon as +possible this afternoon.' + +'Very well,' observed Joseph Overton, 'and then he can order the chaise, +and you can go on to Gretna Green together, without requiring the +presence or interference of a third party, can't you?' + +'No,' replied Miss Julia. 'We have every reason to believe--dear Lord +Peter not being considered very prudent or sagacious by his friends, and +they having discovered his attachment to me--that, immediately on his +absence being observed, pursuit will be made in this direction:--to elude +which, and to prevent our being traced, I wish it to be understood in +this house, that dear Lord Peter is slightly deranged, though perfectly +harmless; and that I am, unknown to him, awaiting his arrival to convey +him in a post-chaise to a private asylum--at Berwick, say. If I don't +show myself much, I dare say I can manage to pass for his mother.' + +The thought occurred to the mayor's mind that the lady might show herself +a good deal without fear of detection; seeing that she was about double +the age of her intended husband. He said nothing, however, and the lady +proceeded. + +'With the whole of this arrangement dear Lord Peter is acquainted; and +all I want you to do, is, to make the delusion more complete by giving it +the sanction of your influence in this place, and assigning this as a +reason to the people of the house for my taking the young gentleman away. +As it would not be consistent with the story that I should see him until +after he has entered the chaise, I also wish you to communicate with him, +and inform him that it is all going on well.' + +'Has he arrived?' inquired Overton. + +'I don't know,' replied the lady. + +'Then how am I to know!' inquired the mayor. 'Of course he will not give +his own name at the bar.' + +'I begged him, immediately on his arrival, to write you a note,' replied +Miss Manners; 'and to prevent the possibility of our project being +discovered through its means, I desired him to write anonymously, and in +mysterious terms, to acquaint you with the number of his room.' + +'Bless me!' exclaimed the mayor, rising from his seat, and searching his +pockets--'most extraordinary circumstance--he has arrived--mysterious +note left at my house in a most mysterious manner, just before +yours--didn't know what to make of it before, and certainly shouldn't +have attended to it.--Oh! here it is.' And Joseph Overton pulled out of +an inner coat-pocket the identical letter penned by Alexander Trott. 'Is +this his lordship's hand?' + +'Oh yes,' replied Julia; 'good, punctual creature! I have not seen it +more than once or twice, but I know he writes very badly and very large. +These dear, wild young noblemen, you know, Overton--' + +'Ay, ay, I see,' replied the mayor.--'Horses and dogs, play and +wine--grooms, actresses, and cigars--the stable, the green-room, the +saloon, and the tavern; and the legislative assembly at last.' + +'Here's what he says,' pursued the mayor; '"Sir,--A young gentleman in +number nineteen at the Winglebury Arms, is bent on committing a rash act +to-morrow morning at an early hour." (That's good--he means marrying.) +"If you have any regard for the peace of this town, or the preservation +of one--it may be two--human lives"--What the deuce does he mean by +that?' + +'That he's so anxious for the ceremony, he will expire if it's put off, +and that I may possibly do the same,' replied the lady with great +complacency. + +'Oh! I see--not much fear of that;--well--"two human lives, you will +cause him to be removed to-night." (He wants to start at once.) "Fear +not to do this on your responsibility: for to-morrow the absolute +necessity of the proceeding will be but too apparent. Remember: number +nineteen. The name is Trott. No delay; for life and death depend upon +your promptitude." Passionate language, certainly. Shall I see him?' + +'Do,' replied Miss Julia; 'and entreat him to act his part well. I am +half afraid of him. Tell him to be cautious.' + +'I will,' said the mayor. + +'Settle all the arrangements.' + +'I will,' said the mayor again. + +'And say I think the chaise had better be ordered for one o'clock.' + +'Very well,' said the mayor once more; and, ruminating on the absurdity +of the situation in which fate and old acquaintance had placed him, he +desired a waiter to herald his approach to the temporary representative +of number nineteen. + +The announcement, 'Gentleman to speak with you, sir,' induced Mr. Trott +to pause half-way in the glass of port, the contents of which he was in +the act of imbibing at the moment; to rise from his chair; and retreat a +few paces towards the window, as if to secure a retreat, in the event of +the visitor assuming the form and appearance of Horace Hunter. One +glance at Joseph Overton, however, quieted his apprehensions. He +courteously motioned the stranger to a seat. The waiter, after a little +jingling with the decanter and glasses, consented to leave the room; and +Joseph Overton, placing the broad-brimmed hat on the chair next him, and +bending his body gently forward, opened the business by saying in a very +low and cautious tone, + +'My lord--' + +'Eh?' said Mr. Alexander Trott, in a loud key, with the vacant and +mystified stare of a chilly somnambulist. + +'Hush--hush!' said the cautious attorney: 'to be sure--quite right--no +titles here--my name is Overton, sir.' + +'Overton?' + +'Yes: the mayor of this place--you sent me a letter with anonymous +information, this afternoon.' + +'I, sir?' exclaimed Trott with ill-dissembled surprise; for, coward as he +was, he would willingly have repudiated the authorship of the letter in +question. 'I, sir?' + +'Yes, you, sir; did you not?' responded Overton, annoyed with what he +supposed to be an extreme degree of unnecessary suspicion. 'Either this +letter is yours, or it is not. If it be, we can converse securely upon +the subject at once. If it be not, of course I have no more to say.' + +'Stay, stay,' said Trott, 'it _is_ mine; I _did_ write it. What could I +do, sir? I had no friend here.' + +'To be sure, to be sure,' said the mayor, encouragingly, 'you could not +have managed it better. Well, sir; it will be necessary for you to leave +here to-night in a post-chaise and four. And the harder the boys drive, +the better. You are not safe from pursuit.' + +'Bless me!' exclaimed Trott, in an agony of apprehension, 'can such +things happen in a country like this? Such unrelenting and cold-blooded +hostility!' He wiped off the concentrated essence of cowardice that was +oozing fast down his forehead, and looked aghast at Joseph Overton. + +'It certainly is a very hard case,' replied the mayor with a smile, +'that, in a free country, people can't marry whom they like, without +being hunted down as if they were criminals. However, in the present +instance the lady is willing, you know, and that's the main point, after +all.' + +'Lady willing,' repeated Trott, mechanically. 'How do you know the +lady's willing?' + +'Come, that's a good one,' said the mayor, benevolently tapping Mr. Trott +on the arm with his broad-brimmed hat; 'I have known her, well, for a +long time; and if anybody could entertain the remotest doubt on the +subject, I assure you I have none, nor need you have.' + +'Dear me!' said Mr. Trott, ruminating. 'This is _very_ extraordinary!' + +'Well, Lord Peter,' said the mayor, rising. + +'Lord Peter?' repeated Mr. Trott. + +'Oh--ah, I forgot. Mr. Trott, then--Trott--very good, ha! ha!--Well, +sir, the chaise shall be ready at half-past twelve.' + +'And what is to become of me until then?' inquired Mr. Trott, anxiously. +'Wouldn't it save appearances, if I were placed under some restraint?' + +'Ah!' replied Overton, 'very good thought--capital idea indeed. I'll +send somebody up directly. And if you make a little resistance when we +put you in the chaise it wouldn't be amiss--look as if you didn't want to +be taken away, you know.' + +'To be sure,' said Trott--'to be sure.' + +'Well, my lord,' said Overton, in a low tone, 'until then, I wish your +lordship a good evening.' + +'Lord--lordship?' ejaculated Trott again, falling back a step or two, and +gazing, in unutterable wonder, on the countenance of the mayor. + +'Ha-ha! I see, my lord--practising the madman?--very good indeed--very +vacant look--capital, my lord, capital--good evening, Mr.--Trott--ha! ha! +ha!' + +'That mayor's decidedly drunk,' soliloquised Mr. Trott, throwing himself +back in his chair, in an attitude of reflection. + +'He is a much cleverer fellow than I thought him, that young nobleman--he +carries it off uncommonly well,' thought Overton, as he went his way to +the bar, there to complete his arrangements. This was soon done. Every +word of the story was implicitly believed, and the one-eyed boots was +immediately instructed to repair to number nineteen, to act as custodian +of the person of the supposed lunatic until half-past twelve o'clock. In +pursuance of this direction, that somewhat eccentric gentleman armed +himself with a walking-stick of gigantic dimensions, and repaired, with +his usual equanimity of manner, to Mr. Trott's apartment, which he +entered without any ceremony, and mounted guard in, by quietly depositing +himself on a chair near the door, where he proceeded to beguile the time +by whistling a popular air with great apparent satisfaction. + +'What do you want here, you scoundrel?' exclaimed Mr. Alexander Trott, +with a proper appearance of indignation at his detention. + +The boots beat time with his head, as he looked gently round at Mr. Trott +with a smile of pity, and whistled an _adagio_ movement. + +'Do you attend in this room by Mr. Overton's desire?' inquired Trott, +rather astonished at the man's demeanour. + +'Keep yourself to yourself, young feller,' calmly responded the boots, +'and don't say nothing to nobody.' And he whistled again. + +'Now mind!' ejaculated Mr. Trott, anxious to keep up the farce of wishing +with great earnestness to fight a duel if they'd let him. 'I protest +against being kept here. I deny that I have any intention of fighting +with anybody. But as it's useless contending with superior numbers, I +shall sit quietly down.' + +'You'd better,' observed the placid boots, shaking the large stick +expressively. + +'Under protest, however,' added Alexander Trott, seating himself with +indignation in his face, but great content in his heart. 'Under +protest.' + +'Oh, certainly!' responded the boots; 'anything you please. If you're +happy, I'm transported; only don't talk too much--it'll make you worse.' + +'Make me worse?' exclaimed Trott, in unfeigned astonishment: 'the man's +drunk!' + +'You'd better be quiet, young feller,' remarked the boots, going through +a threatening piece of pantomime with the stick. + +'Or mad!' said Mr. Trott, rather alarmed. 'Leave the room, sir, and tell +them to send somebody else.' + +'Won't do!' replied the boots. + +'Leave the room!' shouted Trott, ringing the bell violently: for he began +to be alarmed on a new score. + +'Leave that 'ere bell alone, you wretched loo-nattic!' said the boots, +suddenly forcing the unfortunate Trott back into his chair, and +brandishing the stick aloft. 'Be quiet, you miserable object, and don't +let everybody know there's a madman in the house.' + +'He _is_ a madman! He _is_ a madman!' exclaimed the terrified Mr. Trott, +gazing on the one eye of the red-headed boots with a look of abject +horror. + +'Madman!' replied the boots, 'dam'me, I think he _is_ a madman with a +vengeance! Listen to me, you unfortunate. Ah! would you?' [a slight tap +on the head with the large stick, as Mr. Trott made another move towards +the bell-handle] 'I caught you there! did I?' + +'Spare my life!' exclaimed Trott, raising his hands imploringly. + +'I don't want your life,' replied the boots, disdainfully, 'though I +think it 'ud be a charity if somebody took it.' + +'No, no, it wouldn't,' interrupted poor Mr. Trott, hurriedly, 'no, no, it +wouldn't! I--I-'d rather keep it!' + +'O werry well,' said the boots: 'that's a mere matter of taste--ev'ry one +to his liking. Hows'ever, all I've got to say is this here: You sit +quietly down in that chair, and I'll sit hoppersite you here, and if you +keep quiet and don't stir, I won't damage you; but, if you move hand or +foot till half-past twelve o'clock, I shall alter the expression of your +countenance so completely, that the next time you look in the glass +you'll ask vether you're gone out of town, and ven you're likely to come +back again. So sit down.' + +'I will--I will,' responded the victim of mistakes; and down sat Mr. +Trott and down sat the boots too, exactly opposite him, with the stick +ready for immediate action in case of emergency. + +Long and dreary were the hours that followed. The bell of Great +Winglebury church had just struck ten, and two hours and a half would +probably elapse before succour arrived. + +For half an hour, the noise occasioned by shutting up the shops in the +street beneath, betokened something like life in the town, and rendered +Mr. Trott's situation a little less insupportable; but, when even these +ceased, and nothing was heard beyond the occasional rattling of a +post-chaise as it drove up the yard to change horses, and then drove away +again, or the clattering of horses' hoofs in the stables behind, it +became almost unbearable. The boots occasionally moved an inch or two, +to knock superfluous bits of wax off the candles, which were burning low, +but instantaneously resumed his former position; and as he remembered to +have heard, somewhere or other, that the human eye had an unfailing +effect in controlling mad people, he kept his solitary organ of vision +constantly fixed on Mr. Alexander Trott. That unfortunate individual +stared at his companion in his turn, until his features grew more and +more indistinct--his hair gradually less red--and the room more misty and +obscure. Mr. Alexander Trott fell into a sound sleep, from which he was +awakened by a rumbling in the street, and a cry of 'Chaise-and-four for +number twenty-five!' A bustle on the stairs succeeded; the room door was +hastily thrown open; and Mr. Joseph Overton entered, followed by four +stout waiters, and Mrs. Williamson, the stout landlady of the Winglebury +Arms. + +'Mr. Overton!' exclaimed Mr. Alexander Trott, jumping up in a frenzy. +'Look at this man, sir; consider the situation in which I have been +placed for three hours past--the person you sent to guard me, sir, was a +madman--a madman--a raging, ravaging, furious madman.' + +'Bravo!' whispered Mr. Overton. + +'Poor dear!' said the compassionate Mrs. Williamson, 'mad people always +thinks other people's mad.' + +'Poor dear!' ejaculated Mr. Alexander Trott. 'What the devil do you mean +by poor dear! Are you the landlady of this house?' + +'Yes, yes,' replied the stout old lady, 'don't exert yourself, there's a +dear! Consider your health, now; do.' + +'Exert myself!' shouted Mr. Alexander Trott; 'it's a mercy, ma'am, that I +have any breath to exert myself with! I might have been assassinated +three hours ago by that one-eyed monster with the oakum head. How dare +you have a madman, ma'am--how dare you have a madman, to assault and +terrify the visitors to your house?' + +'I'll never have another,' said Mrs. Williamson, casting a look of +reproach at the mayor. + +'Capital, capital,' whispered Overton again, as he enveloped Mr. +Alexander Trott in a thick travelling-cloak. + +'Capital, sir!' exclaimed Trott, aloud; 'it's horrible. The very +recollection makes me shudder. I'd rather fight four duels in three +hours, if I survived the first three, than I'd sit for that time face to +face with a madman.' + +'Keep it up, my lord, as you go down-stairs,' whispered Overton, 'your +bill is paid, and your portmanteau in the chaise.' And then he added +aloud, 'Now, waiters, the gentleman's ready.' + +At this signal, the waiters crowded round Mr. Alexander Trott. One took +one arm; another, the other; a third, walked before with a candle; the +fourth, behind with another candle; the boots and Mrs. Williamson brought +up the rear; and down-stairs they went: Mr. Alexander Trott expressing +alternately at the very top of his voice either his feigned reluctance to +go, or his unfeigned indignation at being shut up with a madman. + +Mr. Overton was waiting at the chaise-door, the boys were ready mounted, +and a few ostlers and stable nondescripts were standing round to witness +the departure of 'the mad gentleman.' Mr. Alexander Trott's foot was on +the step, when he observed (which the dim light had prevented his doing +before) a figure seated in the chaise, closely muffled up in a cloak like +his own. + +'Who's that?' he inquired of Overton, in a whisper. + +'Hush, hush,' replied the mayor: 'the other party of course.' + +'The other party!' exclaimed Trott, with an effort to retreat. + +'Yes, yes; you'll soon find that out, before you go far, I should +think--but make a noise, you'll excite suspicion if you whisper to me so +much.' + +'I won't go in this chaise!' shouted Mr. Alexander Trott, all his +original fears recurring with tenfold violence. 'I shall be +assassinated--I shall be--' + +'Bravo, bravo,' whispered Overton. 'I'll push you in.' + +'But I won't go,' exclaimed Mr. Trott. 'Help here, help! They're +carrying me away against my will. This is a plot to murder me.' + +'Poor dear!' said Mrs. Williamson again. + +'Now, boys, put 'em along,' cried the mayor, pushing Trott in and +slamming the door. 'Off with you, as quick as you can, and stop for +nothing till you come to the next stage--all right!' + +'Horses are paid, Tom,' screamed Mrs. Williamson; and away went the +chaise, at the rate of fourteen miles an hour, with Mr. Alexander Trott +and Miss Julia Manners carefully shut up in the inside. + +Mr. Alexander Trott remained coiled up in one corner of the chaise, and +his mysterious companion in the other, for the first two or three miles; +Mr. Trott edging more and more into his corner, as he felt his companion +gradually edging more and more from hers; and vainly endeavouring in the +darkness to catch a glimpse of the furious face of the supposed Horace +Hunter. + +'We may speak now,' said his fellow-traveller, at length; 'the post-boys +can neither see nor hear us.' + +'That's not Hunter's voice!'--thought Alexander, astonished. + +'Dear Lord Peter!' said Miss Julia, most winningly: putting her arm on +Mr. Trott's shoulder. 'Dear Lord Peter. Not a word?' + +'Why, it's a woman!' exclaimed Mr. Trott, in a low tone of excessive +wonder. + +'Ah! Whose voice is that?' said Julia; ''tis not Lord Peter's.' + +'No,--it's mine,' replied Mr. Trott. + +'Yours!' ejaculated Miss Julia Manners; 'a strange man! Gracious heaven! +How came you here!' + +'Whoever you are, you might have known that I came against my will, +ma'am,' replied Alexander, 'for I made noise enough when I got in.' + +'Do you come from Lord Peter?' inquired Miss Manners. + +'Confound Lord Peter,' replied Trott pettishly. 'I don't know any Lord +Peter. I never heard of him before to-night, when I've been Lord Peter'd +by one and Lord Peter'd by another, till I verily believe I'm mad, or +dreaming--' + +'Whither are we going?' inquired the lady tragically. + +'How should _I_ know, ma'am?' replied Trott with singular coolness; for +the events of the evening had completely hardened him. + +'Stop stop!' cried the lady, letting down the front glasses of the +chaise. + +'Stay, my dear ma'am!' said Mr. Trott, pulling the glasses up again with +one hand, and gently squeezing Miss Julia's waist with the other. 'There +is some mistake here; give me till the end of this stage to explain my +share of it. We must go so far; you cannot be set down here alone, at +this hour of the night.' + +The lady consented; the mistake was mutually explained. Mr. Trott was a +young man, had highly promising whiskers, an undeniable tailor, and an +insinuating address--he wanted nothing but valour, and who wants that +with three thousand a-year? The lady had this, and more; she wanted a +young husband, and the only course open to Mr. Trott to retrieve his +disgrace was a rich wife. So, they came to the conclusion that it would +be a pity to have all this trouble and expense for nothing; and that as +they were so far on the road already, they had better go to Gretna Green, +and marry each other; and they did so. And the very next preceding entry +in the Blacksmith's book, was an entry of the marriage of Emily Brown +with Horace Hunter. Mr. Hunter took his wife home, and begged pardon, +and _was_ pardoned; and Mr. Trott took _his_ wife home, begged pardon +too, and was pardoned also. And Lord Peter, who had been detained beyond +his time by drinking champagne and riding a steeple-chase, went back to +the Honourable Augustus Flair's, and drank more champagne, and rode +another steeple-chase, and was thrown and killed. And Horace Hunter took +great credit to himself for practising on the cowardice of Alexander +Trott; and all these circumstances were discovered in time, and carefully +noted down; and if you ever stop a week at the Winglebury Arms, they will +give you just this account of The Great Winglebury Duel. + + + +CHAPTER IX--MRS. JOSEPH PORTER + + +Most extensive were the preparations at Rose Villa, Clapham Rise, in the +occupation of Mr. Gattleton (a stock-broker in especially comfortable +circumstances), and great was the anxiety of Mr. Gattleton's interesting +family, as the day fixed for the representation of the Private Play which +had been 'many months in preparation,' approached. The whole family was +infected with the mania for Private Theatricals; the house, usually so +clean and tidy, was, to use Mr. Gattleton's expressive description, +'regularly turned out o' windows;' the large dining-room, dismantled of +its furniture, and ornaments, presented a strange jumble of flats, flies, +wings, lamps, bridges, clouds, thunder and lightning, festoons and +flowers, daggers and foil, and various other messes in theatrical slang +included under the comprehensive name of 'properties.' The bedrooms were +crowded with scenery, the kitchen was occupied by carpenters. Rehearsals +took place every other night in the drawing-room, and every sofa in the +house was more or less damaged by the perseverance and spirit with which +Mr. Sempronius Gattleton, and Miss Lucina, rehearsed the smothering scene +in 'Othello'--it having been determined that that tragedy should form the +first portion of the evening's entertainments. + +'When we're a _leetle_ more perfect, I think it will go admirably,' said +Mr. Sempronius, addressing his _corps dramatique_, at the conclusion of +the hundred and fiftieth rehearsal. In consideration of his sustaining +the trifling inconvenience of bearing all the expenses of the play, Mr. +Sempronius had been, in the most handsome manner, unanimously elected +stage-manager. 'Evans,' continued Mr. Gattleton, the younger, addressing +a tall, thin, pale young gentleman, with extensive whiskers--'Evans, you +play _Roderigo_ beautifully.' + +'Beautifully,' echoed the three Miss Gattletons; for Mr. Evans was +pronounced by all his lady friends to be 'quite a dear.' He looked so +interesting, and had such lovely whiskers: to say nothing of his talent +for writing verses in albums and playing the flute! _Roderigo_ simpered +and bowed. + +'But I think,' added the manager, 'you are hardly perfect in +the--fall--in the fencing-scene, where you are--you understand?' + +'It's very difficult,' said Mr. Evans, thoughtfully; 'I've fallen about, +a good deal, in our counting-house lately, for practice, only I find it +hurts one so. Being obliged to fall backward you see, it bruises one's +head a good deal.' + +'But you must take care you don't knock a wing down,' said Mr. Gattleton, +the elder, who had been appointed prompter, and who took as much interest +in the play as the youngest of the company. 'The stage is very narrow, +you know.' + +'Oh! don't be afraid,' said Mr. Evans, with a very self-satisfied air; 'I +shall fall with my head "off," and then I can't do any harm.' + +'But, egad,' said the manager, rubbing his hands, 'we shall make a +decided hit in "Masaniello." Harleigh sings that music admirably.' + +Everybody echoed the sentiment. Mr. Harleigh smiled, and looked +foolish--not an unusual thing with him--hummed' Behold how brightly +breaks the morning,' and blushed as red as the fisherman's nightcap he +was trying on. + +'Let's see,' resumed the manager, telling the number on his fingers, 'we +shall have three dancing female peasants, besides _Fenella_, and four +fishermen. Then, there's our man Tom; he can have a pair of ducks of +mine, and a check shirt of Bob's, and a red nightcap, and he'll do for +another--that's five. In the choruses, of course, we can sing at the +sides; and in the market-scene we can walk about in cloaks and things. +When the revolt takes place, Tom must keep rushing in on one side and out +on the other, with a pickaxe, as fast as he can. The effect will be +electrical; it will look exactly as if there were an immense number of +'em. And in the eruption-scene we must burn the red fire, and upset the +tea-trays, and make all sorts of noises--and it's sure to do.' + +'Sure! sure!' cried all the performers _una voce_--and away hurried Mr. +Sempronius Gattleton to wash the burnt cork off his face, and superintend +the 'setting up' of some of the amateur-painted, but +never-sufficiently-to-be-admired, scenery. + +Mrs. Gattleton was a kind, good-tempered, vulgar soul, exceedingly fond +of her husband and children, and entertaining only three dislikes. In +the first place, she had a natural antipathy to anybody else's unmarried +daughters; in the second, she was in bodily fear of anything in the shape +of ridicule; lastly--almost a necessary consequence of this feeling--she +regarded, with feelings of the utmost horror, one Mrs. Joseph Porter over +the way. However, the good folks of Clapham and its vicinity stood very +much in awe of scandal and sarcasm; and thus Mrs. Joseph Porter was +courted, and flattered, and caressed, and invited, for much the same +reason that induces a poor author, without a farthing in his pocket, to +behave with extraordinary civility to a twopenny postman. + +'Never mind, ma,' said Miss Emma Porter, in colloquy with her respected +relative, and trying to look unconcerned; 'if they had invited me, you +know that neither you nor pa would have allowed me to take part in such +an exhibition.' + +'Just what I should have thought from your high sense of propriety,' +returned the mother. 'I am glad to see, Emma, you know how to designate +the proceeding.' Miss P., by-the-bye, had only the week before made 'an +exhibition' of herself for four days, behind a counter at a fancy fair, +to all and every of her Majesty's liege subjects who were disposed to pay +a shilling each for the privilege of seeing some four dozen girls +flirting with strangers, and playing at shop. + +'There!' said Mrs. Porter, looking out of window; 'there are two rounds +of beef and a ham going in--clearly for sandwiches; and Thomas, the +pastry-cook, says, there have been twelve dozen tarts ordered, besides +blancmange and jellies. Upon my word! think of the Miss Gattletons in +fancy dresses, too!' + +'Oh, it's too ridiculous!' said Miss Porter, hysterically. + +'I'll manage to put them a little out of conceit with the business, +however,' said Mrs. Porter; and out she went on her charitable errand. + +'Well, my dear Mrs. Gattleton,' said Mrs. Joseph Porter, after they had +been closeted for some time, and when, by dint of indefatigable pumping, +she had managed to extract all the news about the play, 'well, my dear, +people may say what they please; indeed we know they will, for some folks +are _so_ ill-natured. Ah, my dear Miss Lucina, how d'ye do? I was just +telling your mamma that I have heard it said, that--' + +'What?' + +'Mrs. Porter is alluding to the play, my dear,' said Mrs. Gattleton; 'she +was, I am sorry to say, just informing me that--' + +'Oh, now pray don't mention it,' interrupted Mrs. Porter; 'it's most +absurd--quite as absurd as young What's-his-name saying he wondered how +Miss Caroline, with such a foot and ankle, could have the vanity to play +_Fenella_.' + +'Highly impertinent, whoever said it,' said Mrs. Gattleton, bridling up. + +'Certainly, my dear,' chimed in the delighted Mrs. Porter; 'most +undoubtedly! Because, as I said, if Miss Caroline _does_ play _Fenella_, +it doesn't follow, as a matter of course, that she should think she has a +pretty foot;--and then--such puppies as these young men are--he had the +impudence to say, that--' + +How far the amiable Mrs. Porter might have succeeded in her pleasant +purpose, it is impossible to say, had not the entrance of Mr. Thomas +Balderstone, Mrs. Gattleton's brother, familiarly called in the family +'Uncle Tom,' changed the course of conversation, and suggested to her +mind an excellent plan of operation on the evening of the play. + +Uncle Tom was very rich, and exceedingly fond of his nephews and nieces: +as a matter of course, therefore, he was an object of great importance in +his own family. He was one of the best-hearted men in existence: always +in a good temper, and always talking. It was his boast that he wore +top-boots on all occasions, and had never worn a black silk neckerchief; +and it was his pride that he remembered all the principal plays of +Shakspeare from beginning to end--and so he did. The result of this +parrot-like accomplishment was, that he was not only perpetually quoting +himself, but that he could never sit by, and hear a misquotation from the +'Swan of Avon' without setting the unfortunate delinquent right. He was +also something of a wag; never missed an opportunity of saying what he +considered a good thing, and invariably laughed until he cried at +anything that appeared to him mirth-moving or ridiculous. + +'Well, girls!' said Uncle Tom, after the preparatory ceremony of kissing +and how-d'ye-do-ing had been gone through--'how d'ye get on? Know your +parts, eh?--Lucina, my dear, act II., scene I--place, left-cue--"Unknown +fate,"--What's next, eh?--Go on--"The Heavens--"' + +'Oh, yes,' said Miss Lucina, 'I recollect-- + + "The heavens forbid + But that our loves and comforts should increase + Even as our days do grow!"' + +'Make a pause here and there,' said the old gentleman, who was a great +critic. '"But that our loves and comforts should increase"--emphasis on +the last syllable, "crease,"--loud "even,"--one, two, three, four; then +loud again, "as our days do grow;" emphasis on _days_. That's the way, +my dear; trust to your uncle for emphasis. Ah! Sem, my boy, how are +you?' + +'Very well, thankee, uncle,' returned Mr. Sempronius, who had just +appeared, looking something like a ringdove, with a small circle round +each eye: the result of his constant corking. 'Of course we see you on +Thursday.' + +'Of course, of course, my dear boy.' + +'What a pity it is your nephew didn't think of making you prompter, Mr. +Balderstone!' whispered Mrs. Joseph Porter; 'you would have been +invaluable.' + +'Well, I flatter myself, I _should_ have been tolerably up to the thing,' +responded Uncle Tom. + +'I must bespeak sitting next you on the night,' resumed Mrs. Porter; 'and +then, if our dear young friends here, should be at all wrong, you will be +able to enlighten me. I shall be so interested.' + +'I am sure I shall be most happy to give you any assistance in my power' + +'Mind, it's a bargain.' + +'Certainly.' + +'I don't know how it is,' said Mrs. Gattleton to her daughters, as they +were sitting round the fire in the evening, looking over their parts, +'but I really very much wish Mrs. Joseph Porter wasn't coming on +Thursday. I am sure she's scheming something.' + +'She can't make us ridiculous, however,' observed Mr. Sempronius +Gattleton, haughtily. + +The long-looked-for Thursday arrived in due course, and brought with it, +as Mr. Gattleton, senior, philosophically observed, 'no disappointments, +to speak of.' True, it was yet a matter of doubt whether _Cassio_ would +be enabled to get into the dress which had been sent for him from the +masquerade warehouse. It was equally uncertain whether the principal +female singer would be sufficiently recovered from the influenza to make +her appearance; Mr. Harleigh, the _Masaniello_ of the night, was hoarse, +and rather unwell, in consequence of the great quantity of lemon and +sugar-candy he had eaten to improve his voice; and two flutes and a +violoncello had pleaded severe colds. What of that? the audience were +all coming. Everybody knew his part: the dresses were covered with +tinsel and spangles; the white plumes looked beautiful; Mr. Evans had +practised falling until he was bruised from head to foot and quite +perfect; _Iago_ was sure that, in the stabbing-scene, he should make 'a +decided hit.' A self-taught deaf gentleman, who had kindly offered to +bring his flute, would be a most valuable addition to the orchestra; Miss +Jenkins's talent for the piano was too well known to be doubted for an +instant; Mr. Cape had practised the violin accompaniment with her +frequently; and Mr. Brown, who had kindly undertaken, at a few hours' +notice, to bring his violoncello, would, no doubt, manage extremely well. + +Seven o'clock came, and so did the audience; all the rank and fashion of +Clapham and its vicinity was fast filling the theatre. There were the +Smiths, the Gubbinses, the Nixons, the Dixons, the Hicksons, people with +all sorts of names, two aldermen, a sheriff in perspective, Sir Thomas +Glumper (who had been knighted in the last reign for carrying up an +address on somebody's escaping from nothing); and last, not least, there +were Mrs. Joseph Porter and Uncle Tom, seated in the centre of the third +row from the stage; Mrs. P. amusing Uncle Tom with all sorts of stories, +and Uncle Tom amusing every one else by laughing most immoderately. + +Ting, ting, ting! went the prompter's bell at eight o'clock precisely, +and dash went the orchestra into the overture to 'The Men of Prometheus.' +The pianoforte player hammered away with laudable perseverance; and the +violoncello, which struck in at intervals, 'sounded very well, +considering.' The unfortunate individual, however, who had undertaken to +play the flute accompaniment 'at sight,' found, from fatal experience, +the perfect truth of the old adage, 'ought of sight, out of mind;' for +being very near-sighted, and being placed at a considerable distance from +his music-book, all he had an opportunity of doing was to play a bar now +and then in the wrong place, and put the other performers out. It is, +however, but justice to Mr. Brown to say that he did this to admiration. +The overture, in fact, was not unlike a race between the different +instruments; the piano came in first by several bars, and the violoncello +next, quite distancing the poor flute; for the deaf gentleman _too-too'd_ +away, quite unconscious that he was at all wrong, until apprised, by the +applause of the audience, that the overture was concluded. A +considerable bustle and shuffling of feet was then heard upon the stage, +accompanied by whispers of 'Here's a pretty go!--what's to be done?' &c. +The audience applauded again, by way of raising the spirits of the +performers; and then Mr. Sempronius desired the prompter, in a very +audible voice, to 'clear the stage, and ring up.' + +Ting, ting, ting! went the bell again. Everybody sat down; the curtain +shook; rose sufficiently high to display several pair of yellow boots +paddling about; and there remained. + +Ting, ting, ting! went the bell again. The curtain was violently +convulsed, but rose no higher; the audience tittered; Mrs. Porter looked +at Uncle Tom; Uncle Tom looked at everybody, rubbing his hands, and +laughing with perfect rapture. After as much ringing with the little +bell as a muffin-boy would make in going down a tolerably long street, +and a vast deal of whispering, hammering, and calling for nails and cord, +the curtain at length rose, and discovered Mr. Sempronius Gattleton +_solus_, and decked for _Othello_. After three distinct rounds of +applause, during which Mr. Sempronius applied his right hand to his left +breast, and bowed in the most approved manner, the manager advanced and +said: + +'Ladies and Gentlemen--I assure you it is with sincere regret, that I +regret to be compelled to inform you, that _Iago_ who was to have played +Mr. Wilson--I beg your pardon, Ladies and Gentlemen, but I am naturally +somewhat agitated (applause)--I mean, Mr. Wilson, who was to have played +_Iago_, is--that is, has been--or, in other words, Ladies and Gentlemen, +the fact is, that I have just received a note, in which I am informed +that _Iago_ is unavoidably detained at the Post-office this evening. +Under these circumstances, I trust--a--a--amateur performance--a--another +gentleman undertaken to read the part--request indulgence for a short +time--courtesy and kindness of a British audience.' Overwhelming +applause. Exit Mr. Sempronius Gattleton, and curtain falls. + +The audience were, of course, exceedingly good-humoured; the whole +business was a joke; and accordingly they waited for an hour with the +utmost patience, being enlivened by an interlude of rout-cakes and +lemonade. It appeared by Mr. Sempronius's subsequent explanation, that +the delay would not have been so great, had it not so happened that when +the substitute _Iago_ had finished dressing, and just as the play was on +the point of commencing, the original _Iago_ unexpectedly arrived. The +former was therefore compelled to undress, and the latter to dress for +his part; which, as he found some difficulty in getting into his clothes, +occupied no inconsiderable time. At last, the tragedy began in real +earnest. It went off well enough, until the third scene of the first +act, in which _Othello_ addresses the Senate: the only remarkable +circumstance being, that as _Iago_ could not get on any of the stage +boots, in consequence of his feet being violently swelled with the heat +and excitement, he was under the necessity of playing the part in a pair +of Wellingtons, which contrasted rather oddly with his richly embroidered +pantaloons. When _Othello_ started with his address to the Senate (whose +dignity was represented by, the _Duke_, _a_ carpenter, two men engaged on +the recommendation of the gardener, and a boy), Mrs. Porter found the +opportunity she so anxiously sought. + +Mr. Sempronius proceeded: + + '"Most potent, grave, and reverend signiors, + My very noble and approv'd good masters, + That I have ta'en away this old man's daughter, + It is most true;--rude am I in my speech--"' + +'Is that right?' whispered Mrs. Porter to Uncle Tom. + +'No.' + +'Tell him so, then.' + +'I will. Sem!' called out Uncle Tom, 'that's wrong, my boy.' + +'What's wrong, uncle?' demanded _Othello_, quite forgetting the dignity +of his situation. + +'You've left out something. "True I have married--"' + +'Oh, ah!' said Mr. Sempronius, endeavouring to hide his confusion as much +and as ineffectually as the audience attempted to conceal their +half-suppressed tittering, by coughing with extraordinary violence-- + + --'"true I have married her;-- + The very head and front of my offending + Hath this extent; no more." + +(_Aside_) Why don't you prompt, father?' + +'Because I've mislaid my spectacles,' said poor Mr. Gattleton, almost +dead with the heat and bustle. + +'There, now it's "rude am I,"' said Uncle Tom. + +'Yes, I know it is,' returned the unfortunate manager, proceeding with +his part. + +It would be useless and tiresome to quote the number of instances in +which Uncle Tom, now completely in his element, and instigated by the +mischievous Mrs. Porter, corrected the mistakes of the performers; +suffice it to say, that having mounted his hobby, nothing could induce +him to dismount; so, during the whole remainder of the play, he performed +a kind of running accompaniment, by muttering everybody's part as it was +being delivered, in an under-tone. The audience were highly amused, Mrs. +Porter delighted, the performers embarrassed; Uncle Tom never was better +pleased in all his life; and Uncle Tom's nephews and nieces had never, +although the declared heirs to his large property, so heartily wished him +gathered to his fathers as on that memorable occasion. + +Several other minor causes, too, united to damp the ardour of the +_dramatis personae_. None of the performers could walk in their tights, +or move their arms in their jackets; the pantaloons were too small, the +boots too large, and the swords of all shapes and sizes. Mr. Evans, +naturally too tall for the scenery, wore a black velvet hat with immense +white plumes, the glory of which was lost in 'the flies;' and the only +other inconvenience of which was, that when it was off his head he could +not put it on, and when it was on he could not take it off. +Notwithstanding all his practice, too, he fell with his head and +shoulders as neatly through one of the side scenes, as a harlequin would +jump through a panel in a Christmas pantomime. The pianoforte player, +overpowered by the extreme heat of the room, fainted away at the +commencement of the entertainments, leaving the music of 'Masaniello' to +the flute and violoncello. The orchestra complained that Mr. Harleigh +put them out, and Mr. Harleigh declared that the orchestra prevented his +singing a note. The fishermen, who were hired for the occasion, revolted +to the very life, positively refusing to play without an increased +allowance of spirits; and, their demand being complied with, getting +drunk in the eruption-scene as naturally as possible. The red fire, +which was burnt at the conclusion of the second act, not only nearly +suffocated the audience, but nearly set the house on fire into the +bargain; and, as it was, the remainder of the piece was acted in a thick +fog. + +In short, the whole affair was, as Mrs. Joseph Porter triumphantly told +everybody, 'a complete failure.' The audience went home at four o'clock +in the morning, exhausted with laughter, suffering from severe headaches, +and smelling terribly of brimstone and gunpowder. The Messrs. Gattleton, +senior and junior, retired to rest, with the vague idea of emigrating to +Swan River early in the ensuing week. + +Rose Villa has once again resumed its wonted appearance; the dining-room +furniture has been replaced; the tables are as nicely polished as +formerly; the horsehair chairs are ranged against the wall, as regularly +as ever; Venetian blinds have been fitted to every window in the house to +intercept the prying gaze of Mrs. Joseph Porter. The subject of +theatricals is never mentioned in the Gattleton family, unless, indeed, +by Uncle Tom, who cannot refrain from sometimes expressing his surprise +and regret at finding that his nephews and nieces appear to have lost the +relish they once possessed for the beauties of Shakspeare, and quotations +from the works of that immortal bard. + + + +CHAPTER X--A PASSAGE IN THE LIFE OF MR. WATKINS TOTTLE + + +CHAPTER THE FIRST + + +Matrimony is proverbially a serious undertaking. Like an over-weening +predilection for brandy-and-water, it is a misfortune into which a man +easily falls, and from which he finds it remarkably difficult to +extricate himself. It is of no use telling a man who is timorous on +these points, that it is but one plunge, and all is over. They say the +same thing at the Old Bailey, and the unfortunate victims derive as much +comfort from the assurance in the one case as in the other. + +Mr. Watkins Tottle was a rather uncommon compound of strong uxorious +inclinations, and an unparalleled degree of anti-connubial timidity. He +was about fifty years of age; stood four feet six inches and +three-quarters in his socks--for he never stood in stockings at +all--plump, clean, and rosy. He looked something like a vignette to one +of Richardson's novels, and had a clean-cravatish formality of manner, +and kitchen-pokerness of carriage, which Sir Charles Grandison himself +might have envied. He lived on an annuity, which was well adapted to the +individual who received it, in one respect--it was rather small. He +received it in periodical payments on every alternate Monday; but he ran +himself out, about a day after the expiration of the first week, as +regularly as an eight-day clock; and then, to make the comparison +complete, his landlady wound him up, and he went on with a regular tick. + +Mr. Watkins Tottle had long lived in a state of single blessedness, as +bachelors say, or single cursedness, as spinsters think; but the idea of +matrimony had never ceased to haunt him. Wrapt in profound reveries on +this never-failing theme, fancy transformed his small parlour in +Cecil-street, Strand, into a neat house in the suburbs; the +half-hundredweight of coals under the kitchen-stairs suddenly sprang up +into three tons of the best Walls-end; his small French bedstead was +converted into a regular matrimonial four-poster; and in the empty chair +on the opposite side of the fireplace, imagination seated a beautiful +young lady, with a very little independence or will of her own, and a +very large independence under a will of her father's. + +'Who's there?' inquired Mr. Watkins Tottle, as a gentle tap at his +room-door disturbed these meditations one evening. + +'Tottle, my dear fellow, how _do_ you do?' said a short elderly gentleman +with a gruffish voice, bursting into the room, and replying to the +question by asking another. + +'Told you I should drop in some evening,' said the short gentleman, as he +delivered his hat into Tottle's hand, after a little struggling and +dodging. + +'Delighted to see you, I'm sure,' said Mr. Watkins Tottle, wishing +internally that his visitor had 'dropped in' to the Thames at the bottom +of the street, instead of dropping into his parlour. The fortnight was +nearly up, and Watkins was hard up. + +'How is Mrs. Gabriel Parsons?' inquired Tottle. + +'Quite well, thank you,' replied Mr. Gabriel Parsons, for that was the +name the short gentleman revelled in. Here there was a pause; the short +gentleman looked at the left hob of the fireplace; Mr. Watkins Tottle +stared vacancy out of countenance. + +'Quite well,' repeated the short gentleman, when five minutes had +expired. 'I may say remarkably well.' And he rubbed the palms of his +hands as hard as if he were going to strike a light by friction. + +'What will you take?' inquired Tottle, with the desperate suddenness of a +man who knew that unless the visitor took his leave, he stood very little +chance of taking anything else. + +'Oh, I don't know--have you any whiskey?' + +'Why,' replied Tottle, very slowly, for all this was gaining time, 'I +_had_ some capital, and remarkably strong whiskey last week; but it's all +gone--and therefore its strength--' + +'Is much beyond proof; or, in other words, impossible to be proved,' said +the short gentleman; and he laughed very heartily, and seemed quite glad +the whiskey had been drunk. Mr. Tottle smiled--but it was the smile of +despair. When Mr. Gabriel Parsons had done laughing, he delicately +insinuated that, in the absence of whiskey, he would not be averse to +brandy. And Mr. Watkins Tottle, lighting a flat candle very +ostentatiously; and displaying an immense key, which belonged to the +street-door, but which, for the sake of appearances, occasionally did +duty in an imaginary wine-cellar; left the room to entreat his landlady +to charge their glasses, and charge them in the bill. The application +was successful; the spirits were speedily called--not from the vasty +deep, but the adjacent wine-vaults. The two short gentlemen mixed their +grog; and then sat cosily down before the fire--a pair of shorts, airing +themselves. + +'Tottle,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, 'you know my way--off-hand, open, say +what I mean, mean what I say, hate reserve, and can't bear affectation. +One, is a bad domino which only hides what good people have about 'em, +without making the bad look better; and the other is much about the same +thing as pinking a white cotton stocking to make it look like a silk one. +Now listen to what I'm going to say.' + +Here, the little gentleman paused, and took a long pull at his +brandy-and-water. Mr. Watkins Tottle took a sip of his, stirred the +fire, and assumed an air of profound attention. + +'It's of no use humming and ha'ing about the matter,' resumed the short +gentleman.--'You want to get married.' + +'Why,' replied Mr. Watkins Tottle evasively; for he trembled violently, +and felt a sudden tingling throughout his whole frame; 'why--I should +certainly--at least, I _think_ I should like--' + +'Won't do,' said the short gentleman.--'Plain and free--or there's an end +of the matter. Do you want money?' + +'You know I do.' + +'You admire the sex?' + +'I do.' + +'And you'd like to be married?' + +'Certainly.' + +'Then you shall be. There's an end of that.' Thus saying, Mr. Gabriel +Parsons took a pinch of snuff, and mixed another glass. + +'Let me entreat you to be more explanatory,' said Tottle. 'Really, as +the party principally interested, I cannot consent to be disposed of, in +this way.' + +'I'll tell you,' replied Mr. Gabriel Parsons, warming with the subject, +and the brandy-and-water--'I know a lady--she's stopping with my wife +now--who is just the thing for you. Well educated; talks French; plays +the piano; knows a good deal about flowers, and shells, and all that sort +of thing; and has five hundred a year, with an uncontrolled power of +disposing of it, by her last will and testament.' + +'I'll pay my addresses to her,' said Mr. Watkins Tottle. 'She isn't +_very_ young--is she?' + +'Not very; just the thing for you. I've said that already.' + +'What coloured hair has the lady?' inquired Mr. Watkins Tottle. + +'Egad, I hardly recollect,' replied Gabriel, with coolness. 'Perhaps I +ought to have observed, at first, she wears a front.' + +'A what?' ejaculated Tottle. + +'One of those things with curls, along here,' said Parsons, drawing a +straight line across his forehead, just over his eyes, in illustration of +his meaning. 'I know the front's black; I can't speak quite positively +about her own hair; because, unless one walks behind her, and catches a +glimpse of it under her bonnet, one seldom sees it; but I should say that +it was _rather_ lighter than the front--a shade of a greyish tinge, +perhaps.' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle looked as if he had certain misgivings of mind. Mr. +Gabriel Parsons perceived it, and thought it would be safe to begin the +next attack without delay. + +'Now, were you ever in love, Tottle?' he inquired. + +Mr. Watkins Tottle blushed up to the eyes, and down to the chin, and +exhibited a most extensive combination of colours as he confessed the +soft impeachment. + +'I suppose you popped the question, more than once, when you were a +young--I beg your pardon--a younger--man,' said Parsons. + +'Never in my life!' replied his friend, apparently indignant at being +suspected of such an act. 'Never! The fact is, that I entertain, as you +know, peculiar opinions on these subjects. I am not afraid of ladies, +young or old--far from it; but, I think, that in compliance with the +custom of the present day, they allow too much freedom of speech and +manner to marriageable men. Now, the fact is, that anything like this +easy freedom I never could acquire; and as I am always afraid of going +too far, I am generally, I dare say, considered formal and cold.' + +'I shouldn't wonder if you were,' replied Parsons, gravely; 'I shouldn't +wonder. However, you'll be all right in this case; for the strictness +and delicacy of this lady's ideas greatly exceed your own. Lord bless +you, why, when she came to our house, there was an old portrait of some +man or other, with two large, black, staring eyes, hanging up in her +bedroom; she positively refused to go to bed there, till it was taken +down, considering it decidedly wrong.' + +'I think so, too,' said Mr. Watkins Tottle; 'certainly.' + +'And then, the other night--I never laughed so much in my life'--resumed +Mr. Gabriel Parsons; 'I had driven home in an easterly wind, and caught a +devil of a face-ache. Well; as Fanny--that's Mrs. Parsons, you know--and +this friend of hers, and I, and Frank Ross, were playing a rubber, I +said, jokingly, that when I went to bed I should wrap my head in Fanny's +flannel petticoat. She instantly threw up her cards, and left the room.' + +'Quite right!' said Mr. Watkins Tottle; 'she could not possibly have +behaved in a more dignified manner. What did you do?' + +'Do?--Frank took dummy; and I won sixpence.' + +'But, didn't you apologise for hurting her feelings?' + +'Devil a bit. Next morning at breakfast, we talked it over. She +contended that any reference to a flannel petticoat was improper;--men +ought not to be supposed to know that such things were. I pleaded my +coverture; being a married man.' + +'And what did the lady say to that?' inquired Tottle, deeply interested. + +'Changed her ground, and said that Frank being a single man, its +impropriety was obvious.' + +'Noble-minded creature!' exclaimed the enraptured Tottle. + +'Oh! both Fanny and I said, at once, that she was regularly cut out for +you.' + +A gleam of placid satisfaction shone on the circular face of Mr. Watkins +Tottle, as he heard the prophecy. + +'There's one thing I can't understand,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as he +rose to depart; 'I cannot, for the life and soul of me, imagine how the +deuce you'll ever contrive to come together. The lady would certainly go +into convulsions if the subject were mentioned.' Mr. Gabriel Parsons sat +down again, and laughed until he was weak. Tottle owed him money, so he +had a perfect right to laugh at Tottle's expense. + +Mr. Watkins Tottle feared, in his own mind, that this was another +characteristic which he had in common with this modern Lucretia. He, +however, accepted the invitation to dine with the Parsonses on the next +day but one, with great firmness: and looked forward to the introduction, +when again left alone, with tolerable composure. + +The sun that rose on the next day but one, had never beheld a sprucer +personage on the outside of the Norwood stage, than Mr. Watkins Tottle; +and when the coach drew up before a cardboard-looking house with +disguised chimneys, and a lawn like a large sheet of green letter-paper, +he certainly had never lighted to his place of destination a gentleman +who felt more uncomfortable. + +The coach stopped, and Mr. Watkins Tottle jumped--we beg his +pardon--alighted, with great dignity. 'All right!' said he, and away +went the coach up the hill with that beautiful equanimity of pace for +which 'short' stages are generally remarkable. + +Mr. Watkins Tottle gave a faltering jerk to the handle of the garden-gate +bell. He essayed a more energetic tug, and his previous nervousness was +not at all diminished by hearing the bell ringing like a fire alarum. + +'Is Mr. Parsons at home?' inquired Tottle of the man who opened the gate. +He could hardly hear himself speak, for the bell had not yet done +tolling. + +'Here I am,' shouted a voice on the lawn,--and there was Mr. Gabriel +Parsons in a flannel jacket, running backwards and forwards, from a +wicket to two hats piled on each other, and from the two hats to the +wicket, in the most violent manner, while another gentleman with his coat +off was getting down the area of the house, after a ball. When the +gentleman without the coat had found it--which he did in less than ten +minutes--he ran back to the hats, and Gabriel Parsons pulled up. Then, +the gentleman without the coat called out 'play,' very loudly, and +bowled. Then Mr. Gabriel Parsons knocked the ball several yards, and +took another run. Then, the other gentleman aimed at the wicket, and +didn't hit it; and Mr. Gabriel Parsons, having finished running on his +own account, laid down the bat and ran after the ball, which went into a +neighbouring field. They called this cricket. + +'Tottle, will you "go in?"' inquired Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as he +approached him, wiping the perspiration off his face. + +Mr. Watkins Tottle declined the offer, the bare idea of accepting which +made him even warmer than his friend. + +'Then we'll go into the house, as it's past four, and I shall have to +wash my hands before dinner,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons. 'Here, I hate +ceremony, you know! Timson, that's Tottle--Tottle, that's Timson; bred +for the church, which I fear will never be bread for him;' and he +chuckled at the old joke. Mr. Timson bowed carelessly. Mr. Watkins +Tottle bowed stiffly. Mr. Gabriel Parsons led the way to the house. He +was a rich sugar-baker, who mistook rudeness for honesty, and abrupt +bluntness for an open and candid manner; many besides Gabriel mistake +bluntness for sincerity. + +Mrs. Gabriel Parsons received the visitors most graciously on the steps, +and preceded them to the drawing-room. On the sofa, was seated a lady of +very prim appearance, and remarkably inanimate. She was one of those +persons at whose age it is impossible to make any reasonable guess; her +features might have been remarkably pretty when she was younger, and they +might always have presented the same appearance. Her complexion--with a +slight trace of powder here and there--was as clear as that of a +well-made wax doll, and her face as expressive. She was handsomely +dressed, and was winding up a gold watch. + +'Miss Lillerton, my dear, this is our friend Mr. Watkins Tottle; a very +old acquaintance I assure you,' said Mrs. Parsons, presenting the +Strephon of Cecil-street, Strand. The lady rose, and made a deep +courtesy; Mr. Watkins Tottle made a bow. + +'Splendid, majestic creature!' thought Tottle. + +Mr. Timson advanced, and Mr. Watkins Tottle began to hate him. Men +generally discover a rival, instinctively, and Mr. Watkins Tottle felt +that his hate was deserved. + +'May I beg,' said the reverend gentleman,--'May I beg to call upon you, +Miss Lillerton, for some trifling donation to my soup, coals, and blanket +distribution society?' + +'Put my name down, for two sovereigns, if you please,' responded Miss +Lillerton. + +'You are truly charitable, madam,' said the Reverend Mr. Timson, 'and we +know that charity will cover a multitude of sins. Let me beg you to +understand that I do not say this from the supposition that you have many +sins which require palliation; believe me when I say that I never yet met +any one who had fewer to atone for, than Miss Lillerton.' + +Something like a bad imitation of animation lighted up the lady's face, +as she acknowledged the compliment. Watkins Tottle incurred the sin of +wishing that the ashes of the Reverend Charles Timson were quietly +deposited in the churchyard of his curacy, wherever it might be. + +'I'll tell you what,' interrupted Parsons, who had just appeared with +clean hands, and a black coat, 'it's my private opinion, Timson, that +your "distribution society" is rather a humbug.' + +'You are so severe,' replied Timson, with a Christian smile: he disliked +Parsons, but liked his dinners. + +'So positively unjust!' said Miss Lillerton. + +'Certainly,' observed Tottle. The lady looked up; her eyes met those of +Mr. Watkins Tottle. She withdrew them in a sweet confusion, and Watkins +Tottle did the same--the confusion was mutual. + +'Why,' urged Mr. Parsons, pursuing his objections, 'what on earth is the +use of giving a man coals who has nothing to cook, or giving him blankets +when he hasn't a bed, or giving him soup when he requires substantial +food?--"like sending them ruffles when wanting a shirt." Why not give +'em a trifle of money, as I do, when I think they deserve it, and let +them purchase what they think best? Why?--because your subscribers +wouldn't see their names flourishing in print on the church-door--that's +the reason.' + +'Really, Mr. Parsons, I hope you don't mean to insinuate that I wish to +see _my_ name in print, on the church-door,' interrupted Miss Lillerton. + +'I hope not,' said Mr. Watkins Tottle, putting in another word, and +getting another glance. + +'Certainly not,' replied Parsons. 'I dare say you wouldn't mind seeing +it in writing, though, in the church register--eh?' + +'Register! What register?' inquired the lady gravely. + +'Why, the register of marriages, to be sure,' replied Parsons, chuckling +at the sally, and glancing at Tottle. Mr. Watkins Tottle thought he +should have fainted for shame, and it is quite impossible to imagine what +effect the joke would have had upon the lady, if dinner had not been, at +that moment, announced. Mr. Watkins Tottle, with an unprecedented effort +of gallantry, offered the tip of his little finger; Miss Lillerton +accepted it gracefully, with maiden modesty; and they proceeded in due +state to the dinner-table, where they were soon deposited side by side. +The room was very snug, the dinner very good, and the little party in +spirits. The conversation became pretty general, and when Mr. Watkins +Tottle had extracted one or two cold observations from his neighbour, and +had taken wine with her, he began to acquire confidence rapidly. The +cloth was removed; Mrs. Gabriel Parsons drank four glasses of port on the +plea of being a nurse just then; and Miss Lillerton took about the same +number of sips, on the plea of not wanting any at all. At length, the +ladies retired, to the great gratification of Mr. Gabriel Parsons, who +had been coughing and frowning at his wife, for half-an-hour +previously--signals which Mrs. Parsons never happened to observe, until +she had been pressed to take her ordinary quantum, which, to avoid giving +trouble, she generally did at once. + +'What do you think of her?' inquired Mr. Gabriel Parsons of Mr. Watkins +Tottle, in an under-tone. + +'I dote on her with enthusiasm already!' replied Mr. Watkins Tottle. + +'Gentlemen, pray let us drink "the ladies,"' said the Reverend Mr. +Timson. + +'The ladies!' said Mr. Watkins Tottle, emptying his glass. In the +fulness of his confidence, he felt as if he could make love to a dozen +ladies, off-hand. + +'Ah!' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, 'I remember when I was a young man--fill +your glass, Timson.' + +'I have this moment emptied it.' + +'Then fill again.' + +'I will,' said Timson, suiting the action to the word. + +'I remember,' resumed Mr. Gabriel Parsons, 'when I was a younger man, +with what a strange compound of feelings I used to drink that toast, and +how I used to think every woman was an angel.' + +'Was that before you were married?' mildly inquired Mr. Watkins Tottle. + +'Oh! certainly,' replied Mr. Gabriel Parsons. 'I have never thought so +since; and a precious milksop I must have been, ever to have thought so +at all. But, you know, I married Fanny under the oddest, and most +ridiculous circumstances possible.' + +'What were they, if one may inquire?' asked Timson, who had heard the +story, on an average, twice a week for the last six months. Mr. Watkins +Tottle listened attentively, in the hope of picking up some suggestion +that might be useful to him in his new undertaking. + +'I spent my wedding-night in a back-kitchen chimney,' said Parsons, by +way of a beginning. + +'In a back-kitchen chimney!' ejaculated Watkins Tottle. 'How dreadful!' + +'Yes, it wasn't very pleasant,' replied the small host. 'The fact is, +Fanny's father and mother liked me well enough as an individual, but had +a decided objection to my becoming a husband. You see, I hadn't any +money in those days, and they had; and so they wanted Fanny to pick up +somebody else. However, we managed to discover the state of each other's +affections somehow. I used to meet her, at some mutual friends' parties; +at first we danced together, and talked, and flirted, and all that sort +of thing; then, I used to like nothing so well as sitting by her side--we +didn't talk so much then, but I remember I used to have a great notion of +looking at her out of the extreme corner of my left eye--and then I got +very miserable and sentimental, and began to write verses, and use +Macassar oil. At last I couldn't bear it any longer, and after I had +walked up and down the sunny side of Oxford-street in tight boots for a +week--and a devilish hot summer it was too--in the hope of meeting her, I +sat down and wrote a letter, and begged her to manage to see me +clandestinely, for I wanted to hear her decision from her own mouth. I +said I had discovered, to my perfect satisfaction, that I couldn't live +without her, and that if she didn't have me, I had made up my mind to +take prussic acid, or take to drinking, or emigrate, so as to take myself +off in some way or other. Well, I borrowed a pound, and bribed the +housemaid to give her the note, which she did.' + +'And what was the reply?' inquired Timson, who had found, before, that to +encourage the repetition of old stories is to get a general invitation. + +'Oh, the usual one! Fanny expressed herself very miserable; hinted at +the possibility of an early grave; said that nothing should induce her to +swerve from the duty she owed her parents; implored me to forget her, and +find out somebody more deserving, and all that sort of thing. She said +she could, on no account, think of meeting me unknown to her pa and ma; +and entreated me, as she should be in a particular part of Kensington +Gardens at eleven o'clock next morning, not to attempt to meet her +there.' + +'You didn't go, of course?' said Watkins Tottle. + +'Didn't I?--Of course I did. There she was, with the identical housemaid +in perspective, in order that there might be no interruption. We walked +about, for a couple of hours; made ourselves delightfully miserable; and +were regularly engaged. Then, we began to "correspond"--that is to say, +we used to exchange about four letters a day; what we used to say in 'em +I can't imagine. And I used to have an interview, in the kitchen, or the +cellar, or some such place, every evening. Well, things went on in this +way for some time; and we got fonder of each other every day. At last, +as our love was raised to such a pitch, and as my salary had been raised +too, shortly before, we determined on a secret marriage. Fanny arranged +to sleep at a friend's, on the previous night; we were to be married +early in the morning; and then we were to return to her home and be +pathetic. She was to fall at the old gentleman's feet, and bathe his +boots with her tears; and I was to hug the old lady and call her +"mother," and use my pocket-handkerchief as much as possible. Married we +were, the next morning; two girls-friends of Fanny's--acting as +bridesmaids; and a man, who was hired for five shillings and a pint of +porter, officiating as father. Now, the old lady unfortunately put off +her return from Ramsgate, where she had been paying a visit, until the +next morning; and as we placed great reliance on her, we agreed to +postpone our confession for four-and-twenty hours. My newly-made wife +returned home, and I spent my wedding-day in strolling about +Hampstead-heath, and execrating my father-in-law. Of course, I went to +comfort my dear little wife at night, as much as I could, with the +assurance that our troubles would soon be over. I opened the +garden-gate, of which I had a key, and was shown by the servant to our +old place of meeting--a back kitchen, with a stone-floor and a dresser: +upon which, in the absence of chairs, we used to sit and make love.' + +'Make love upon a kitchen-dresser!' interrupted Mr. Watkins Tottle, whose +ideas of decorum were greatly outraged. + +'Ah! On a kitchen-dresser!' replied Parsons. 'And let me tell you, old +fellow, that, if you were really over head-and-ears in love, and had no +other place to make love in, you'd be devilish glad to avail yourself of +such an opportunity. However, let me see;--where was I?' + +'On the dresser,' suggested Timson. + +'Oh--ah! Well, here I found poor Fanny, quite disconsolate and +uncomfortable. The old boy had been very cross all day, which made her +feel still more lonely; and she was quite out of spirits. So, I put a +good face on the matter, and laughed it off, and said we should enjoy the +pleasures of a matrimonial life more by contrast; and, at length, poor +Fanny brightened up a little. I stopped there, till about eleven +o'clock, and, just as I was taking my leave for the fourteenth time, the +girl came running down the stairs, without her shoes, in a great fright, +to tell us that the old villain--Heaven forgive me for calling him so, +for he is dead and gone now!--prompted I suppose by the prince of +darkness, was coming down, to draw his own beer for supper--a thing he +had not done before, for six months, to my certain knowledge; for the +cask stood in that very back kitchen. If he discovered me there, +explanation would have been out of the question; for he was so +outrageously violent, when at all excited, that he never would have +listened to me. There was only one thing to be done. The chimney was a +very wide one; it had been originally built for an oven; went up +perpendicularly for a few feet, and then shot backward and formed a sort +of small cavern. My hopes and fortune--the means of our joint existence +almost--were at stake. I scrambled in like a squirrel; coiled myself up +in this recess; and, as Fanny and the girl replaced the deal +chimney-board, I could see the light of the candle which my unconscious +father-in-law carried in his hand. I heard him draw the beer; and I +never heard beer run so slowly. He was just leaving the kitchen, and I +was preparing to descend, when down came the infernal chimney-board with +a tremendous crash. He stopped and put down the candle and the jug of +beer on the dresser; he was a nervous old fellow, and any unexpected +noise annoyed him. He coolly observed that the fire-place was never +used, and sending the frightened servant into the next kitchen for a +hammer and nails, actually nailed up the board, and locked the door on +the outside. So, there was I, on my wedding-night, in the light +kerseymere trousers, fancy waistcoat, and blue coat, that I had been +married in in the morning, in a back-kitchen chimney, the bottom of which +was nailed up, and the top of which had been formerly raised some fifteen +feet, to prevent the smoke from annoying the neighbours. And there,' +added Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as he passed the bottle, 'there I remained +till half-past seven the next morning, when the housemaid's sweetheart, +who was a carpenter, unshelled me. The old dog had nailed me up so +securely, that, to this very hour, I firmly believe that no one but a +carpenter could ever have got me out.' + +'And what did Mrs. Parsons's father say, when he found you were married?' +inquired Watkins Tottle, who, although he never saw a joke, was not +satisfied until he heard a story to the very end. + +'Why, the affair of the chimney so tickled his fancy, that he pardoned us +off-hand, and allowed us something to live on till he went the way of all +flesh. I spent the next night in his second-floor front, much more +comfortably than I had spent the preceding one; for, as you will probably +guess--' + +'Please, sir, missis has made tea,' said a middle-aged female servant, +bobbing into the room. + +'That's the very housemaid that figures in my story,' said Mr. Gabriel +Parsons. 'She went into Fanny's service when we were first married, and +has been with us ever since; but I don't think she has felt one atom of +respect for me since the morning she saw me released, when she went into +violent hysterics, to which she has been subject ever since. Now, shall +we join the ladies?' + +'If you please,' said Mr. Watkins Tottle. + +'By all means,' added the obsequious Mr. Timson; and the trio made for +the drawing-room accordingly. + +Tea being concluded, and the toast and cups having been duly handed, and +occasionally upset, by Mr. Watkins Tottle, a rubber was proposed. They +cut for partners--Mr. and Mrs. Parsons; and Mr. Watkins Tottle and Miss +Lillerton. Mr. Timson having conscientious scruples on the subject of +card-playing, drank brandy-and-water, and kept up a running spar with Mr. +Watkins Tottle. The evening went off well; Mr. Watkins Tottle was in +high spirits, having some reason to be gratified with his reception by +Miss Lillerton; and before he left, a small party was made up to visit +the Beulah Spa on the following Saturday. + +'It's all right, I think,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons to Mr. Watkins Tottle +as he opened the garden gate for him. + +'I hope so,' he replied, squeezing his friend's hand. + +'You'll be down by the first coach on Saturday,' said Mr. Gabriel +Parsons. + +'Certainly,' replied Mr. Watkins Tottle. 'Undoubtedly.' + +But fortune had decreed that Mr. Watkins Tottle should not be down by the +first coach on Saturday. His adventures on that day, however, and the +success of his wooing, are subjects for another chapter. + + +CHAPTER THE SECOND + + +'The first coach has not come in yet, has it, Tom?' inquired Mr. Gabriel +Parsons, as he very complacently paced up and down the fourteen feet of +gravel which bordered the 'lawn,' on the Saturday morning which had been +fixed upon for the Beulah Spa jaunt. + +'No, sir; I haven't seen it,' replied a gardener in a blue apron, who let +himself out to do the ornamental for half-a-crown a day and his 'keep.' + +'Time Tottle was down,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, ruminating--'Oh, here +he is, no doubt,' added Gabriel, as a cab drove rapidly up the hill; and +he buttoned his dressing-gown, and opened the gate to receive the +expected visitor. The cab stopped, and out jumped a man in a coarse +Petersham great-coat, whity-brown neckerchief, faded black suit, +gamboge-coloured top-boots, and one of those large-crowned hats, formerly +seldom met with, but now very generally patronised by gentlemen and +costermongers. + +'Mr. Parsons?' said the man, looking at the superscription of a note he +held in his hand, and addressing Gabriel with an inquiring air. + +'_My_ name is Parsons,' responded the sugar-baker. + +'I've brought this here note,' replied the individual in the painted +tops, in a hoarse whisper: 'I've brought this here note from a gen'lm'n +as come to our house this mornin'.' + +'I expected the gentleman at my house,' said Parsons, as he broke the +seal, which bore the impression of her Majesty's profile as it is seen on +a sixpence. + +'I've no doubt the gen'lm'n would ha' been here, replied the stranger, +'if he hadn't happened to call at our house first; but we never trusts no +gen'lm'n furder nor we can see him--no mistake about that there'--added +the unknown, with a facetious grin; 'beg your pardon, sir, no offence +meant, only--once in, and I wish you may--catch the idea, sir?' + +Mr. Gabriel Parsons was not remarkable for catching anything suddenly, +but a cold. He therefore only bestowed a glance of profound astonishment +on his mysterious companion, and proceeded to unfold the note of which he +had been the bearer. Once opened and the idea was caught with very +little difficulty. Mr. Watkins Tottle had been suddenly arrested for +33_l._ 10_s._ 4_d._, and dated his communication from a lock-up house in +the vicinity of Chancery-lane. + +'Unfortunate affair this!' said Parsons, refolding the note. + +'Oh! nothin' ven you're used to it,' coolly observed the man in the +Petersham. + +'Tom!' exclaimed Parsons, after a few minutes' consideration, 'just put +the horse in, will you?--Tell the gentleman that I shall be there almost +as soon as you are,' he continued, addressing the sheriff-officer's +Mercury. + +'Werry well,' replied that important functionary; adding, in a +confidential manner, 'I'd adwise the gen'lm'n's friends to settle. You +see it's a mere trifle; and, unless the gen'lm'n means to go up afore the +court, it's hardly worth while waiting for detainers, you know. Our +governor's wide awake, he is. I'll never say nothin' agin him, nor no +man; but he knows what's o'clock, he does, uncommon.' Having delivered +this eloquent, and, to Parsons, particularly intelligible harangue, the +meaning of which was eked out by divers nods and winks, the gentleman in +the boots reseated himself in the cab, which went rapidly off, and was +soon out of sight. Mr. Gabriel Parsons continued to pace up and down the +pathway for some minutes, apparently absorbed in deep meditation. The +result of his cogitations seemed to be perfectly satisfactory to himself, +for he ran briskly into the house; said that business had suddenly +summoned him to town; that he had desired the messenger to inform Mr. +Watkins Tottle of the fact; and that they would return together to +dinner. He then hastily equipped himself for a drive, and mounting his +gig, was soon on his way to the establishment of Mr. Solomon Jacobs, +situate (as Mr. Watkins Tottle had informed him) in Cursitor-street, +Chancery-lane. + +When a man is in a violent hurry to get on, and has a specific object in +view, the attainment of which depends on the completion of his journey, +the difficulties which interpose themselves in his way appear not only to +be innumerable, but to have been called into existence especially for the +occasion. The remark is by no means a new one, and Mr. Gabriel Parsons +had practical and painful experience of its justice in the course of his +drive. There are three classes of animated objects which prevent your +driving with any degree of comfort or celerity through streets which are +but little frequented--they are pigs, children, and old women. On the +occasion we are describing, the pigs were luxuriating on cabbage-stalks, +and the shuttlecocks fluttered from the little deal battledores, and the +children played in the road; and women, with a basket in one hand, and +the street-door key in the other, _would_ cross just before the horse's +head, until Mr. Gabriel Parsons was perfectly savage with vexation, and +quite hoarse with hoi-ing and imprecating. Then, when he got into +Fleet-street, there was 'a stoppage,' in which people in vehicles have +the satisfaction of remaining stationary for half an hour, and envying +the slowest pedestrians; and where policemen rush about, and seize hold +of horses' bridles, and back them into shop-windows, by way of clearing +the road and preventing confusion. At length Mr. Gabriel Parsons turned +into Chancery-lane, and having inquired for, and been directed to +Cursitor-street (for it was a locality of which he was quite ignorant), +he soon found himself opposite the house of Mr. Solomon Jacobs. +Confiding his horse and gig to the care of one of the fourteen boys who +had followed him from the other side of Blackfriars-bridge on the chance +of his requiring their services, Mr. Gabriel Parsons crossed the road and +knocked at an inner door, the upper part of which was of glass, grated +like the windows of this inviting mansion with iron bars--painted white +to look comfortable. + +The knock was answered by a sallow-faced, red-haired, sulky boy, who, +after surveying Mr. Gabriel Parsons through the glass, applied a large +key to an immense wooden excrescence, which was in reality a lock, but +which, taken in conjunction with the iron nails with which the panels +were studded, gave the door the appearance of being subject to warts. + +'I want to see Mr. Watkins Tottle,' said Parsons. + +'It's the gentleman that come in this morning, Jem,' screamed a voice +from the top of the kitchen-stairs, which belonged to a dirty woman who +had just brought her chin to a level with the passage-floor. 'The +gentleman's in the coffee-room.' + +'Up-stairs, sir,' said the boy, just opening the door wide enough to let +Parsons in without squeezing him, and double-locking it the moment he had +made his way through the aperture--'First floor--door on the left.' + +Mr. Gabriel Parsons thus instructed, ascended the uncarpeted and +ill-lighted staircase, and after giving several subdued taps at the +before-mentioned 'door on the left,' which were rendered inaudible by the +hum of voices within the room, and the hissing noise attendant on some +frying operations which were carrying on below stairs, turned the handle, +and entered the apartment. Being informed that the unfortunate object of +his visit had just gone up-stairs to write a letter, he had leisure to +sit down and observe the scene before him. + +The room--which was a small, confined den--was partitioned off into +boxes, like the common-room of some inferior eating-house. The dirty +floor had evidently been as long a stranger to the scrubbing-brush as to +carpet or floor-cloth: and the ceiling was completely blackened by the +flare of the oil-lamp by which the room was lighted at night. The gray +ashes on the edges of the tables, and the cigar ends which were +plentifully scattered about the dusty grate, fully accounted for the +intolerable smell of tobacco which pervaded the place; and the empty +glasses and half-saturated slices of lemon on the tables, together with +the porter pots beneath them, bore testimony to the frequent libations in +which the individuals who honoured Mr. Solomon Jacobs by a temporary +residence in his house indulged. Over the mantel-shelf was a paltry +looking-glass, extending about half the width of the chimney-piece; but +by way of counterpoise, the ashes were confined by a rusty fender about +twice as long as the hearth. + +From this cheerful room itself, the attention of Mr. Gabriel Parsons was +naturally directed to its inmates. In one of the boxes two men were +playing at cribbage with a very dirty pack of cards, some with blue, some +with green, and some with red backs--selections from decayed packs. The +cribbage board had been long ago formed on the table by some ingenious +visitor with the assistance of a pocket-knife and a two-pronged fork, +with which the necessary number of holes had been made in the table at +proper distances for the reception of the wooden pegs. In another box a +stout, hearty-looking man, of about forty, was eating some dinner which +his wife--an equally comfortable-looking personage--had brought him in a +basket: and in a third, a genteel-looking young man was talking +earnestly, and in a low tone, to a young female, whose face was concealed +by a thick veil, but whom Mr. Gabriel Parsons immediately set down in his +own mind as the debtor's wife. A young fellow of vulgar manners, dressed +in the very extreme of the prevailing fashion, was pacing up and down the +room, with a lighted cigar in his mouth and his hands in his pockets, +ever and anon puffing forth volumes of smoke, and occasionally applying, +with much apparent relish, to a pint pot, the contents of which were +'chilling' on the hob. + +'Fourpence more, by gum!' exclaimed one of the cribbage-players, lighting +a pipe, and addressing his adversary at the close of the game; 'one 'ud +think you'd got luck in a pepper-cruet, and shook it out when you wanted +it.' + +'Well, that a'n't a bad un,' replied the other, who was a horse-dealer +from Islington. + +'No; I'm blessed if it is,' interposed the jolly-looking fellow, who, +having finished his dinner, was drinking out of the same glass as his +wife, in truly conjugal harmony, some hot gin-and-water. The faithful +partner of his cares had brought a plentiful supply of the +anti-temperance fluid in a large flat stone bottle, which looked like a +half-gallon jar that had been successfully tapped for the dropsy. +'You're a rum chap, you are, Mr. Walker--will you dip your beak into +this, sir?' + +'Thank'ee, sir,' replied Mr. Walker, leaving his box, and advancing to +the other to accept the proffered glass. 'Here's your health, sir, and +your good 'ooman's here. Gentlemen all--yours, and better luck still. +Well, Mr. Willis,' continued the facetious prisoner, addressing the young +man with the cigar, 'you seem rather down to-day--floored, as one may +say. What's the matter, sir? Never say die, you know.' + +'Oh! I'm all right,' replied the smoker. 'I shall be bailed out +to-morrow.' + +'Shall you, though?' inquired the other. 'Damme, I wish I could say the +same. I am as regularly over head and ears as the Royal George, and +stand about as much chance of being _bailed out_. Ha! ha! ha!' + +'Why,' said the young man, stopping short, and speaking in a very loud +key, 'look at me. What d'ye think I've stopped here two days for?' + +''Cause you couldn't get out, I suppose,' interrupted Mr. Walker, winking +to the company. 'Not that you're exactly obliged to stop here, only you +can't help it. No compulsion, you know, only you must--eh?' + +'A'n't he a rum un?' inquired the delighted individual, who had offered +the gin-and-water, of his wife. + +'Oh, he just is!' replied the lady, who was quite overcome by these +flashes of imagination. + +'Why, my case,' frowned the victim, throwing the end of his cigar into +the fire, and illustrating his argument by knocking the bottom of the pot +on the table, at intervals,--'my case is a very singular one. My +father's a man of large property, and I am his son.' + +'That's a very strange circumstance!' interrupted the jocose Mr. Walker, +_en passant_. + +'--I am his son, and have received a liberal education. I don't owe no +man nothing--not the value of a farthing, but I was induced, you see, to +put my name to some bills for a friend--bills to a large amount, I may +say a very large amount, for which I didn't receive no consideration. +What's the consequence?' + +'Why, I suppose the bills went out, and you came in. The acceptances +weren't taken up, and you were, eh?' inquired Walker. + +'To be sure,' replied the liberally educated young gentleman. 'To be +sure; and so here I am, locked up for a matter of twelve hundred pound.' + +'Why don't you ask your old governor to stump up?' inquired Walker, with +a somewhat sceptical air. + +'Oh! bless you, he'd never do it,' replied the other, in a tone of +expostulation--'Never!' + +'Well, it is very odd to--be--sure,' interposed the owner of the flat +bottle, mixing another glass, 'but I've been in difficulties, as one may +say, now for thirty year. I went to pieces when I was in a milk-walk, +thirty year ago; arterwards, when I was a fruiterer, and kept a spring +wan; and arter that again in the coal and 'tatur line--but all that time +I never see a youngish chap come into a place of this kind, who wasn't +going out again directly, and who hadn't been arrested on bills which +he'd given a friend and for which he'd received nothing whatsomever--not +a fraction.' + +'Oh! it's always the cry,' said Walker. 'I can't see the use on it; +that's what makes me so wild. Why, I should have a much better opinion +of an individual, if he'd say at once in an honourable and gentlemanly +manner as he'd done everybody he possibly could.' + +'Ay, to be sure,' interposed the horse-dealer, with whose notions of +bargain and sale the axiom perfectly coincided, 'so should I.' The young +gentleman, who had given rise to these observations, was on the point of +offering a rather angry reply to these sneers, but the rising of the +young man before noticed, and of the female who had been sitting by him, +to leave the room, interrupted the conversation. She had been weeping +bitterly, and the noxious atmosphere of the room acting upon her excited +feelings and delicate frame, rendered the support of her companion +necessary as they quitted it together. + +There was an air of superiority about them both, and something in their +appearance so unusual in such a place, that a respectful silence was +observed until the _whirr--r--bang_ of the spring door announced that +they were out of hearing. It was broken by the wife of the ex-fruiterer. + +'Poor creetur!' said she, quenching a sigh in a rivulet of gin-and-water. +'She's very young.' + +'She's a nice-looking 'ooman too,' added the horse-dealer. + +'What's he in for, Ikey?' inquired Walker, of an individual who was +spreading a cloth with numerous blotches of mustard upon it, on one of +the tables, and whom Mr. Gabriel Parsons had no difficulty in recognising +as the man who had called upon him in the morning. + +'Vy,' responded the factotum, 'it's one of the rummiest rigs you ever +heard on. He come in here last Vensday, which by-the-bye he's a-going +over the water to-night--hows'ever that's neither here nor there. You +see I've been a going back'ards and for'ards about his business, and ha' +managed to pick up some of his story from the servants and them; and so +far as I can make it out, it seems to be summat to this here effect--' + +'Cut it short, old fellow,' interrupted Walker, who knew from former +experience that he of the top-boots was neither very concise nor +intelligible in his narratives. + +'Let me alone,' replied Ikey, 'and I'll ha' wound up, and made my lucky +in five seconds. This here young gen'lm'n's father--so I'm told, mind +ye--and the father o' the young voman, have always been on very bad, +out-and-out, rig'lar knock-me-down sort o' terms; but somehow or another, +when he was a wisitin' at some gentlefolk's house, as he knowed at +college, he came into contract with the young lady. He seed her several +times, and then he up and said he'd keep company with her, if so be as +she vos agreeable. Vell, she vos as sweet upon him as he vos upon her, +and so I s'pose they made it all right; for they got married 'bout six +months arterwards, unbeknown, mind ye, to the two fathers--leastways so +I'm told. When they heard on it--my eyes, there was such a combustion! +Starvation vos the very least that vos to be done to 'em. The young +gen'lm'n's father cut him off vith a bob, 'cos he'd cut himself off vith +a wife; and the young lady's father he behaved even worser and more +unnat'ral, for he not only blow'd her up dreadful, and swore he'd never +see her again, but he employed a chap as I knows--and as you knows, Mr. +Valker, a precious sight too well--to go about and buy up the bills and +them things on which the young husband, thinking his governor 'ud come +round agin, had raised the vind just to blow himself on vith for a time; +besides vich, he made all the interest he could to set other people agin +him. Consequence vos, that he paid as long as he could; but things he +never expected to have to meet till he'd had time to turn himself round, +come fast upon him, and he vos nabbed. He vos brought here, as I said +afore, last Vensday, and I think there's about--ah, half-a-dozen +detainers agin him down-stairs now. I have been,' added Ikey, 'in the +purfession these fifteen year, and I never met vith such windictiveness +afore!' + +'Poor creeturs!' exclaimed the coal-dealer's wife once more: again +resorting to the same excellent prescription for nipping a sigh in the +bud. 'Ah! when they've seen as much trouble as I and my old man here +have, they'll be as comfortable under it as we are.' + +'The young lady's a pretty creature,' said Walker, 'only she's a little +too delicate for my taste--there ain't enough of her. As to the young +cove, he may be very respectable and what not, but he's too down in the +mouth for me--he ain't game.' + +'Game!' exclaimed Ikey, who had been altering the position of a +green-handled knife and fork at least a dozen times, in order that he +might remain in the room under the pretext of having something to do. +'He's game enough ven there's anything to be fierce about; but who could +be game as you call it, Mr. Walker, with a pale young creetur like that, +hanging about him?--It's enough to drive any man's heart into his boots +to see 'em together--and no mistake at all about it. I never shall +forget her first comin' here; he wrote to her on the Thursday to come--I +know he did, 'cos I took the letter. Uncommon fidgety he was all day to +be sure, and in the evening he goes down into the office, and he says to +Jacobs, says he, "Sir, can I have the loan of a private room for a few +minutes this evening, without incurring any additional expense--just to +see my wife in?" says he. Jacobs looked as much as to say--"Strike me +bountiful if you ain't one of the modest sort!" but as the gen'lm'n who +had been in the back parlour had just gone out, and had paid for it for +that day, he says--werry grave--"Sir," says he, "it's agin our rules to +let private rooms to our lodgers on gratis terms, but," says he, "for a +gentleman, I don't mind breaking through them for once." So then he +turns round to me, and says, "Ikey, put two mould candles in the back +parlour, and charge 'em to this gen'lm'n's account," vich I did. Vell, +by-and-by a hackney-coach comes up to the door, and there, sure enough, +was the young lady, wrapped up in a hopera-cloak, as it might be, and all +alone. I opened the gate that night, so I went up when the coach come, +and he vos a waitin' at the parlour door--and wasn't he a trembling, +neither? The poor creetur see him, and could hardly walk to meet him. +"Oh, Harry!" she says, "that it should have come to this; and all for my +sake," says she, putting her hand upon his shoulder. So he puts his arm +round her pretty little waist, and leading her gently a little way into +the room, so that he might be able to shut the door, he says, so kind and +soft-like--"Why, Kate," says he--' + +'Here's the gentleman you want,' said Ikey, abruptly breaking off in his +story, and introducing Mr. Gabriel Parsons to the crest-fallen Watkins +Tottle, who at that moment entered the room. Watkins advanced with a +wooden expression of passive endurance, and accepted the hand which Mr. +Gabriel Parsons held out. + +'I want to speak to you,' said Gabriel, with a look strongly expressive +of his dislike of the company. + +'This way,' replied the imprisoned one, leading the way to the front +drawing-room, where rich debtors did the luxurious at the rate of a +couple of guineas a day. + +'Well, here I am,' said Mr. Watkins, as he sat down on the sofa; and +placing the palms of his hands on his knees, anxiously glanced at his +friend's countenance. + +'Yes; and here you're likely to be,' said Gabriel, coolly, as he rattled +the money in his unmentionable pockets, and looked out of the window. + +'What's the amount with the costs?' inquired Parsons, after an awkward +pause. + +'Have you any money?' + +'Nine and sixpence halfpenny.' + +Mr. Gabriel Parsons walked up and down the room for a few seconds, before +he could make up his mind to disclose the plan he had formed; he was +accustomed to drive hard bargains, but was always most anxious to conceal +his avarice. At length he stopped short, and said, 'Tottle, you owe me +fifty pounds.' + +'I do.' + +'And from all I see, I infer that you are likely to owe it to me.' + +'I fear I am.' + +'Though you have every disposition to pay me if you could?' + +'Certainly.' + +'Then,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, 'listen: here's my proposition. You +know my way of old. Accept it--yes or no--I will or I won't. I'll pay +the debt and costs, and I'll lend you 10_l._ more (which, added to your +annuity, will enable you to carry on the war well) if you'll give me your +note of hand to pay me one hundred and fifty pounds within six months +after you are married to Miss Lillerton.' + +'My dear--' + +'Stop a minute--on one condition; and that is, that you propose to Miss +Lillerton at once.' + +'At once! My dear Parsons, consider.' + +'It's for you to consider, not me. She knows you well from reputation, +though she did not know you personally until lately. Notwithstanding all +her maiden modesty, I think she'd be devilish glad to get married out of +hand with as little delay as possible. My wife has sounded her on the +subject, and she has confessed.' + +'What--what?' eagerly interrupted the enamoured Watkins. + +'Why,' replied Parsons, 'to say exactly what she has confessed, would be +rather difficult, because they only spoke in hints, and so forth; but my +wife, who is no bad judge in these cases, declared to me that what she +had confessed was as good as to say that she was not insensible of your +merits--in fact, that no other man should have her.' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle rose hastily from his seat, and rang the bell. + +'What's that for?' inquired Parsons. + +'I want to send the man for the bill stamp,' replied Mr. Watkins Tottle. + +'Then you've made up your mind?' + +'I have,'--and they shook hands most cordially. The note of hand was +given--the debt and costs were paid--Ikey was satisfied for his trouble, +and the two friends soon found themselves on that side of Mr. Solomon +Jacobs's establishment, on which most of his visitors were very happy +when they found themselves once again--to wit, the _out_side. + +'Now,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as they drove to Norwood together--'you +shall have an opportunity to make the disclosure to-night, and mind you +speak out, Tottle.' + +'I will--I will!' replied Watkins, valorously. + +'How I should like to see you together,' ejaculated Mr. Gabriel +Parsons.--'What fun!' and he laughed so long and so loudly, that he +disconcerted Mr. Watkins Tottle, and frightened the horse. + +'There's Fanny and your intended walking about on the lawn,' said +Gabriel, as they approached the house. 'Mind your eye, Tottle.' + +'Never fear,' replied Watkins, resolutely, as he made his way to the spot +where the ladies were walking. + +'Here's Mr. Tottle, my dear,' said Mrs. Parsons, addressing Miss +Lillerton. The lady turned quickly round, and acknowledged his courteous +salute with the same sort of confusion that Watkins had noticed on their +first interview, but with something like a slight expression of +disappointment or carelessness. + +'Did you see how glad she was to see you?' whispered Parsons to his +friend. + +'Why, I really thought she looked as if she would rather have seen +somebody else,' replied Tottle. + +'Pooh, nonsense!' whispered Parsons again--'it's always the way with the +women, young or old. They never show how delighted they are to see those +whose presence makes their hearts beat. It's the way with the whole sex, +and no man should have lived to your time of life without knowing it. +Fanny confessed it to me, when we were first married, over and over +again--see what it is to have a wife.' + +'Certainly,' whispered Tottle, whose courage was vanishing fast. + +'Well, now, you'd better begin to pave the way,' said Parsons, who, +having invested some money in the speculation, assumed the office of +director. + +'Yes, yes, I will--presently,' replied Tottle, greatly flurried. + +'Say something to her, man,' urged Parsons again. 'Confound it! pay her +a compliment, can't you?' + +'No! not till after dinner,' replied the bashful Tottle, anxious to +postpone the evil moment. + +'Well, gentlemen,' said Mrs. Parsons, 'you are really very polite; you +stay away the whole morning, after promising to take us out, and when you +do come home, you stand whispering together and take no notice of us.' + +'We were talking of the _business_, my dear, which detained us this +morning,' replied Parsons, looking significantly at Tottle. + +'Dear me! how very quickly the morning has gone,' said Miss Lillerton, +referring to the gold watch, which was wound up on state occasions, +whether it required it or not. + +'I think it has passed very slowly,' mildly suggested Tottle. + +('That's right--bravo!') whispered Parsons. + +'Indeed!' said Miss Lillerton, with an air of majestic surprise. + +'I can only impute it to my unavoidable absence from your society, +madam,' said Watkins, 'and that of Mrs. Parsons.' + +During this short dialogue, the ladies had been leading the way to the +house. + +'What the deuce did you stick Fanny into that last compliment for?' +inquired Parsons, as they followed together; 'it quite spoilt the +effect.' + +'Oh! it really would have been too broad without,' replied Watkins +Tottle, 'much too broad!' + +'He's mad!' Parsons whispered his wife, as they entered the drawing-room, +'mad from modesty.' + +'Dear me!' ejaculated the lady, 'I never heard of such a thing.' + +'You'll find we have quite a family dinner, Mr. Tottle,' said Mrs. +Parsons, when they sat down to table: 'Miss Lillerton is one of us, and, +of course, we make no stranger of you.' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle expressed a hope that the Parsons family never would +make a stranger of him; and wished internally that his bashfulness would +allow him to feel a little less like a stranger himself. + +'Take off the covers, Martha,' said Mrs. Parsons, directing the shifting +of the scenery with great anxiety. The order was obeyed, and a pair of +boiled fowls, with tongue and et ceteras, were displayed at the top, and +a fillet of veal at the bottom. On one side of the table two green +sauce-tureens, with ladles of the same, were setting to each other in a +green dish; and on the other was a curried rabbit, in a brown suit, +turned up with lemon. + +'Miss Lillerton, my dear,' said Mrs. Parsons, 'shall I assist you?' + +'Thank you, no; I think I'll trouble Mr. Tottle.' + +Watkins started--trembled--helped the rabbit--and broke a tumbler. The +countenance of the lady of the house, which had been all smiles +previously, underwent an awful change. + +'Extremely sorry,' stammered Watkins, assisting himself to currie and +parsley and butter, in the extremity of his confusion. + +'Not the least consequence,' replied Mrs. Parsons, in a tone which +implied that it was of the greatest consequence possible,--directing +aside the researches of the boy, who was groping under the table for the +bits of broken glass. + +'I presume,' said Miss Lillerton, 'that Mr. Tottle is aware of the +interest which bachelors usually pay in such cases; a dozen glasses for +one is the lowest penalty.' + +Mr. Gabriel Parsons gave his friend an admonitory tread on the toe. Here +was a clear hint that the sooner he ceased to be a bachelor and +emancipated himself from such penalties, the better. Mr. Watkins Tottle +viewed the observation in the same light, and challenged Mrs. Parsons to +take wine, with a degree of presence of mind, which, under all the +circumstances, was really extraordinary. + +'Miss Lillerton,' said Gabriel, 'may I have the pleasure?' + +'I shall be most happy.' + +'Tottle, will you assist Miss Lillerton, and pass the decanter. Thank +you.' (The usual pantomimic ceremony of nodding and sipping gone +through)-- + +'Tottle, were you ever in Suffolk?' inquired the master of the house, who +was burning to tell one of his seven stock stories. + +'No,' responded Watkins, adding, by way of a saving clause, 'but I've +been in Devonshire.' + +'Ah!' replied Gabriel, 'it was in Suffolk that a rather singular +circumstance happened to me many years ago. Did you ever happen to hear +me mention it?' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle _had_ happened to hear his friend mention it some four +hundred times. Of course he expressed great curiosity, and evinced the +utmost impatience to hear the story again. Mr. Gabriel Parsons forthwith +attempted to proceed, in spite of the interruptions to which, as our +readers must frequently have observed, the master of the house is often +exposed in such cases. We will attempt to give them an idea of our +meaning. + +'When I was in Suffolk--' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons. + +'Take off the fowls first, Martha,' said Mrs. Parsons. 'I beg your +pardon, my dear.' + +'When I was in Suffolk,' resumed Mr. Parsons, with an impatient glance at +his wife, who pretended not to observe it, 'which is now years ago, +business led me to the town of Bury St. Edmund's. I had to stop at the +principal places in my way, and therefore, for the sake of convenience, I +travelled in a gig. I left Sudbury one dark night--it was winter +time--about nine o'clock; the rain poured in torrents, the wind howled +among the trees that skirted the roadside, and I was obliged to proceed +at a foot-pace, for I could hardly see my hand before me, it was so +dark--' + +'John,' interrupted Mrs. Parsons, in a low, hollow voice, 'don't spill +that gravy.' + +'Fanny,' said Parsons impatiently, 'I wish you'd defer these domestic +reproofs to some more suitable time. Really, my dear, these constant +interruptions are very annoying.' + +'My dear, I didn't interrupt you,' said Mrs. Parsons. + +'But, my dear, you _did_ interrupt me,' remonstrated Mr. Parsons. + +'How very absurd you are, my love! I must give directions to the +servants; I am quite sure that if I sat here and allowed John to spill +the gravy over the new carpet, you'd be the first to find fault when you +saw the stain to-morrow morning.' + +'Well,' continued Gabriel with a resigned air, as if he knew there was no +getting over the point about the carpet, 'I was just saying, it was so +dark that I could hardly see my hand before me. The road was very +lonely, and I assure you, Tottle (this was a device to arrest the +wandering attention of that individual, which was distracted by a +confidential communication between Mrs. Parsons and Martha, accompanied +by the delivery of a large bunch of keys), I assure you, Tottle, I became +somehow impressed with a sense of the loneliness of my situation--' + +'Pie to your master,' interrupted Mrs. Parsons, again directing the +servant. + +'Now, pray, my dear,' remonstrated Parsons once more, very pettishly. +Mrs. P. turned up her hands and eyebrows, and appealed in dumb show to +Miss Lillerton. 'As I turned a corner of the road,' resumed Gabriel, +'the horse stopped short, and reared tremendously. I pulled up, jumped +out, ran to his head, and found a man lying on his back in the middle of +the road, with his eyes fixed on the sky. I thought he was dead; but no, +he was alive, and there appeared to be nothing the matter with him. He +jumped up, and putting his hand to his chest, and fixing upon me the most +earnest gaze you can imagine, exclaimed--' + +'Pudding here,' said Mrs. Parsons. + +'Oh! it's no use,' exclaimed the host, now rendered desperate. 'Here, +Tottle; a glass of wine. It's useless to attempt relating anything when +Mrs. Parsons is present.' + +This attack was received in the usual way. Mrs. Parsons talked _to_ Miss +Lillerton and _at_ her better half; expatiated on the impatience of men +generally; hinted that her husband was peculiarly vicious in this +respect, and wound up by insinuating that she must be one of the best +tempers that ever existed, or she never could put up with it. Really +what she had to endure sometimes, was more than any one who saw her in +every-day life could by possibility suppose.--The story was now a painful +subject, and therefore Mr. Parsons declined to enter into any details, +and contented himself by stating that the man was a maniac, who had +escaped from a neighbouring mad-house. + +The cloth was removed; the ladies soon afterwards retired, and Miss +Lillerton played the piano in the drawing-room overhead, very loudly, for +the edification of the visitor. Mr. Watkins Tottle and Mr. Gabriel +Parsons sat chatting comfortably enough, until the conclusion of the +second bottle, when the latter, in proposing an adjournment to the +drawing-room, informed Watkins that he had concerted a plan with his +wife, for leaving him and Miss Lillerton alone, soon after tea. + +'I say,' said Tottle, as they went up-stairs, 'don't you think it would +be better if we put it off till-till-to-morrow?' + +'Don't _you_ think it would have been much better if I had left you in +that wretched hole I found you in this morning?' retorted Parsons +bluntly. + +'Well--well--I only made a suggestion,' said poor Watkins Tottle, with a +deep sigh. + +Tea was soon concluded, and Miss Lillerton, drawing a small work-table on +one side of the fire, and placing a little wooden frame upon it, +something like a miniature clay-mill without the horse, was soon busily +engaged in making a watch-guard with brown silk. + +'God bless me!' exclaimed Parsons, starting up with well-feigned +surprise, 'I've forgotten those confounded letters. Tottle, I know +you'll excuse me.' + +If Tottle had been a free agent, he would have allowed no one to leave +the room on any pretence, except himself. As it was, however, he was +obliged to look cheerful when Parsons quitted the apartment. + +He had scarcely left, when Martha put her head into the room, +with--'Please, ma'am, you're wanted.' + +Mrs. Parsons left the room, shut the door carefully after her, and Mr. +Watkins Tottle was left alone with Miss Lillerton. + +For the first five minutes there was a dead silence.--Mr. Watkins Tottle +was thinking how he should begin, and Miss Lillerton appeared to be +thinking of nothing. The fire was burning low; Mr. Watkins Tottle +stirred it, and put some coals on. + +'Hem!' coughed Miss Lillerton; Mr. Watkins Tottle thought the fair +creature had spoken. 'I beg your pardon,' said he. + +'Eh?' + +'I thought you spoke.' + +'No.' + +'Oh!' + +'There are some books on the sofa, Mr. Tottle, if you would like to look +at them,' said Miss Lillerton, after the lapse of another five minutes. + +'No, thank you,' returned Watkins; and then he added, with a courage +which was perfectly astonishing, even to himself, 'Madam, that is Miss +Lillerton, I wish to speak to you.' + +'To me!' said Miss Lillerton, letting the silk drop from her hands, and +sliding her chair back a few paces.--'Speak--to me!' + +'To you, madam--and on the subject of the state of your affections.' The +lady hastily rose and would have left the room; but Mr. Watkins Tottle +gently detained her by the hand, and holding it as far from him as the +joint length of their arms would permit, he thus proceeded: 'Pray do not +misunderstand me, or suppose that I am led to address you, after so short +an acquaintance, by any feeling of my own merits--for merits I have none +which could give me a claim to your hand. I hope you will acquit me of +any presumption when I explain that I have been acquainted through Mrs. +Parsons, with the state--that is, that Mrs. Parsons has told me--at +least, not Mrs. Parsons, but--' here Watkins began to wander, but Miss +Lillerton relieved him. + +'Am I to understand, Mr. Tottle, that Mrs. Parsons has acquainted you +with my feeling--my affection--I mean my respect, for an individual of +the opposite sex?' + +'She has.' + +'Then, what?' inquired Miss Lillerton, averting her face, with a girlish +air, 'what could induce _you_ to seek such an interview as this? What +can your object be? How can I promote your happiness, Mr. Tottle?' + +Here was the time for a flourish--'By allowing me,' replied Watkins, +falling bump on his knees, and breaking two brace-buttons and a +waistcoat-string, in the act--'By allowing me to be your slave, your +servant--in short, by unreservedly making me the confidant of your +heart's feelings--may I say for the promotion of your own happiness--may +I say, in order that you may become the wife of a kind and affectionate +husband?' + +'Disinterested creature!' exclaimed Miss Lillerton, hiding her face in a +white pocket-handkerchief with an eyelet-hole border. + +Mr. Watkins Tottle thought that if the lady knew all, she might possibly +alter her opinion on this last point. He raised the tip of her middle +finger ceremoniously to his lips, and got off his knees, as gracefully as +he could. 'My information was correct?' he tremulously inquired, when he +was once more on his feet. + +'It was.' Watkins elevated his hands, and looked up to the ornament in +the centre of the ceiling, which had been made for a lamp, by way of +expressing his rapture. + +'Our situation, Mr. Tottle,' resumed the lady, glancing at him through +one of the eyelet-holes, 'is a most peculiar and delicate one.' + +'It is,' said Mr. Tottle. + +'Our acquaintance has been of _so_ short duration,' said Miss Lillerton. + +'Only a week,' assented Watkins Tottle. + +'Oh! more than that,' exclaimed the lady, in a tone of surprise. + +'Indeed!' said Tottle. + +'More than a month--more than two months!' said Miss Lillerton. + +'Rather odd, this,' thought Watkins. + +'Oh!' he said, recollecting Parsons's assurance that she had known him +from report, 'I understand. But, my dear madam, pray, consider. The +longer this acquaintance has existed, the less reason is there for delay +now. Why not at once fix a period for gratifying the hopes of your +devoted admirer?' + +'It has been represented to me again and again that this is the course I +ought to pursue,' replied Miss Lillerton, 'but pardon my feelings of +delicacy, Mr. Tottle--pray excuse this embarrassment--I have peculiar +ideas on such subjects, and I am quite sure that I never could summon up +fortitude enough to name the day to my future husband.' + +'Then allow _me_ to name it,' said Tottle eagerly. + +'I should like to fix it myself,' replied Miss Lillerton, bashfully, 'but +I cannot do so without at once resorting to a third party.' + +'A third party!' thought Watkins Tottle; 'who the deuce is that to be, I +wonder!' + +'Mr. Tottle,' continued Miss Lillerton, 'you have made me a most +disinterested and kind offer--that offer I accept. Will you at once be +the bearer of a note from me to--to Mr. Timson?' + +'Mr. Timson!' said Watkins. + +'After what has passed between us,' responded Miss Lillerton, still +averting her head, 'you must understand whom I mean; Mr. Timson, +the--the--clergyman.' + +'Mr. Timson, the clergyman!' ejaculated Watkins Tottle, in a state of +inexpressible beatitude, and positive wonder at his own success. 'Angel! +Certainly--this moment!' + +'I'll prepare it immediately,' said Miss Lillerton, making for the door; +'the events of this day have flurried me so much, Mr. Tottle, that I +shall not leave my room again this evening; I will send you the note by +the servant.' + +'Stay,--stay,' cried Watkins Tottle, still keeping a most respectful +distance from the lady; 'when shall we meet again?' + +'Oh! Mr. Tottle,' replied Miss Lillerton, coquettishly, 'when _we_ are +married, I can never see you too often, nor thank you too much;' and she +left the room. + +Mr. Watkins Tottle flung himself into an arm-chair, and indulged in the +most delicious reveries of future bliss, in which the idea of 'Five +hundred pounds per annum, with an uncontrolled power of disposing of it +by her last will and testament,' was somehow or other the foremost. He +had gone through the interview so well, and it had terminated so +admirably, that he almost began to wish he had expressly stipulated for +the settlement of the annual five hundred on himself. + +'May I come in?' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, peeping in at the door. + +'You may,' replied Watkins. + +'Well, have you done it?' anxiously inquired Gabriel. + +'Have I done it!' said Watkins Tottle. 'Hush--I'm going to the +clergyman.' + +'No!' said Parsons. 'How well you have managed it!' + +'Where does Timson live?' inquired Watkins. + +'At his uncle's,' replied Gabriel, 'just round the lane. He's waiting +for a living, and has been assisting his uncle here for the last two or +three months. But how well you have done it--I didn't think you could +have carried it off so!' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle was proceeding to demonstrate that the Richardsonian +principle was the best on which love could possibly be made, when he was +interrupted by the entrance of Martha, with a little pink note folded +like a fancy cocked-hat. + +'Miss Lillerton's compliments,' said Martha, as she delivered it into +Tottle's hands, and vanished. + +'Do you observe the delicacy?' said Tottle, appealing to Mr. Gabriel +Parsons. '_Compliments_, not _love_, by the servant, eh?' + +Mr. Gabriel Parsons didn't exactly know what reply to make, so he poked +the forefinger of his right hand between the third and fourth ribs of Mr. +Watkins Tottle. + +'Come,' said Watkins, when the explosion of mirth, consequent on this +practical jest, had subsided, 'we'll be off at once--let's lose no time.' + +'Capital!' echoed Gabriel Parsons; and in five minutes they were at the +garden-gate of the villa tenanted by the uncle of Mr. Timson. + +'Is Mr. Charles Timson at home?' inquired Mr. Watkins Tottle of Mr. +Charles Timson's uncle's man. + +'Mr. Charles _is_ at home,' replied the man, stammering; 'but he desired +me to say he couldn't be interrupted, sir, by any of the parishioners.' + +'_I_ am not a parishioner,' replied Watkins. + +'Is Mr. Charles writing a sermon, Tom?' inquired Parsons, thrusting +himself forward. + +'No, Mr. Parsons, sir; he's not exactly writing a sermon, but he is +practising the violoncello in his own bedroom, and gave strict orders not +to be disturbed.' + +'Say I'm here,' replied Gabriel, leading the way across the garden; 'Mr. +Parsons and Mr. Tottle, on private and particular business.' + +They were shown into the parlour, and the servant departed to deliver his +message. The distant groaning of the violoncello ceased; footsteps were +heard on the stairs; and Mr. Timson presented himself, and shook hands +with Parsons with the utmost cordiality. + +'Game!' exclaimed Ikey, who had been altering the position of a +green-handled knife and fork at least a dozen times, in order that he +might remain in the room under the pretext of having something to do. +'He's game enough ven there's anything to be fierce about; but who could +be game as you call it, Mr. Walker, with a pale young creetur like that, +hanging about him?--It's enough to drive any man's heart into his boots +to see 'em together--and no mistake at all about it. I never shall +forget her first comin' here; he wrote to her on the Thursday to come--I +know he did, 'cos I took the letter. Uncommon fidgety he was all day to +be sure, and in the evening he goes down into the office, and he says to +Jacobs, says he, "Sir, can I have the loan of a private room for a few +minutes this evening, without incurring any additional expense--just to +see my wife in?" says he. Jacobs looked as much as to say--"Strike me +bountiful if you ain't one of the modest sort!" but as the gen'lm'n who +had been in the back parlour had just gone out, and had paid for it for +that day, he says--werry grave--"Sir," says he, "it's agin our rules to +let private rooms to our lodgers on gratis terms, but," says he, "for a +gentleman, I don't mind breaking through them for once." So then he +turns found to me, and says, "Ikey, put two mould candles in the back +parlour, and charge 'em to this gen'lm'n's account," vich I did. Vell, +by-and-by a hackney-coach comes up to the door, and there, sure enough, +was the young lady, wrapped up in a hopera-cloak, as it might be, and all +alone. I opened the gate that night, so I went up when the coach come, +and he vos a waitin' at the parlour door--and wasn't he a trembling, +neither? The poor creetur see him, and could hardly walk to meet him. +"Oh, Harry!" she says, "that it should have come to this; and all for my +sake," says she, putting her hand upon his shoulder. So he puts his arm +round her pretty little waist, and leading her gently a little way into +the room, so that he might be able to shut the door, he says, so kind and +soft-like--"Why, Kate," says he--' + +'Here's the gentleman you want,' said Ikey, abruptly breaking off in his +story, and introducing Mr. Gabriel Parsons to the crest-fallen Watkins +Tottle, who at that moment entered the room. Watkins advanced with a +wooden expression of passive endurance, and accepted the hand which Mr. +Gabriel Parsons held out. + +'I want to speak to you,' said Gabriel, with a look strongly expressive +of his dislike of the company. + +'This way,' replied the imprisoned one, leading the way to the front +drawing-room, where rich debtors did the luxurious at the rate of a +couple of guineas a day. + +'Well, here I am,' said Mr. Watkins, as he sat down on the sofa; and +placing the palms of his hands on his knees, anxiously glanced at his +friend's countenance. + +'Yes; and here you're likely to be,' said Gabriel, coolly, as he rattled +the money in his unmentionable pockets, and looked out of the window. + +'What's the amount with the costs?' inquired Parsons, after an awkward +pause. + +'Have you any money?' + +'Nine and sixpence halfpenny.' + +Mr. Gabriel Parsons walked up and down the room for a few seconds, before +he could make up his mind to disclose the plan he had formed; he was +accustomed to drive hard bargains, but was always most anxious to conceal +his avarice. At length he stopped short, and said, 'Tottle, you owe me +fifty pounds.' + +'I do.' + +'And from all I see, I infer that you are likely to owe it to me.' + +'I fear I am.' + +'Though you have every disposition to pay me if you could?' + +'Certainly.' + +'Then,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, 'listen: here's my proposition. You +know my way of old. Accept it--yes or no--I will or I won't. I'll pay +the debt and costs, and I'll lend you 10_l._ more (which, added to your +annuity, will enable you to carry on the war well) if you'll give me your +note of hand to pay me one hundred and fifty pounds within six months +after you are married to Miss Lillerton.' + +'My dear--' + +'Stop a minute--on one condition; and that is, that you propose to Miss +Lillerton at once.' + +'At once! My dear Parsons, consider.' + +'It's for you to consider, not me. She knows you well from reputation, +though she did not know you personally until lately. Notwithstanding all +her maiden modesty, I think she'd be devilish glad to get married out of +hand with as little delay as possible. My wife has sounded her on the +subject, and she has confessed.' + +'What--what?' eagerly interrupted the enamoured Watkins. + +'Why,' replied Parsons, 'to say exactly what she has confessed, would be +rather difficult, because they only spoke in hints, and so forth; but my +wife, who is no bad judge in these cases, declared to me that what she +had confessed was as good as to say that she was not insensible of your +merits--in fact, that no other man should have her.' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle rose hastily from his seat, and rang the bell. + +'What's that for?' inquired Parsons. + +'I want to send the man for the bill stamp,' replied Mr. Watkins Tottle. + +'Then you've made up your mind?' + +'I have,'--and they shook hands most cordially. The note of hand was +given--the debt and costs were paid--Ikey was satisfied for his trouble, +and the two friends soon found themselves on that side of Mr. Solomon +Jacobs's establishment, on which most of his visitors were very happy +when they found themselves once again--to wit, the outside. + +'Now,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as they drove to Norwood together--'you +shall have an opportunity to make the disclosure to-night, and mind you +speak out, Tottle.' + +'I will--I will!' replied Watkins, valorously. + +'How I should like to see you together,' ejaculated Mr. Gabriel +Parsons.--'What fun!' and he laughed so long and so loudly, that he +disconcerted Mr. Watkins Tottle, and frightened the horse. + +'There's Fanny and your intended walking about on the lawn,' said +Gabriel, as they approached the house. 'Mind your eye, Tottle.' + +'Never fear,' replied Watkins, resolutely, as he made his way to the spot +where the ladies were walking. + +'Here's Mr. Tottle, my dear,' said Mrs. Parsons, addressing Miss +Lillerton. The lady turned quickly round, and acknowledged his courteous +salute with the same sort of confusion that Watkins had noticed on their +first interview, but with something like a slight expression of +disappointment or carelessness. + +'Did you see how glad she was to see you?' whispered Parsons to his +friend. + +'Why, I really thought she looked as if she would rather have seen +somebody else,' replied Tottle. + +'Pooh, nonsense!' whispered Parsons again--'it's always the way with the +women, young or old. They never show how delighted they are to see those +whose presence makes their hearts beat. It's the way with the whole sex, +and no man should have lived to your time of life without knowing it. +Fanny confessed it to me, when we were first married, over and over +again--see what it is to have a wife.' + +'Certainly,' whispered Tottle, whose courage was vanishing fast. + +'Well, now, you'd better begin to pave the way,' said Parsons, who, +having invested some money in the speculation, assumed the office of +director. + +'Yes, yes, I will--presently,' replied Tottle, greatly flurried. + +'Say something to her, man,' urged Parsons again. 'Confound it! pay her +a compliment, can't you?' + +'No! not till after dinner,' replied the bashful Tottle, anxious to +postpone the evil moment. + +'Well, gentlemen,' said Mrs. Parsons, 'you are really very polite; you +stay away the whole morning, after promising to take us out, and when you +do come home, you stand whispering together and take no notice of us.' + +'We were talking of the _business_, my dear, which detained us this +morning,' replied Parsons, looking significantly at Tottle. + +'Dear me! how very quickly the morning has gone,' said Miss Lillerton, +referring to the gold watch, which was wound up on state occasions, +whether it required it or not. + +'I think it has passed very slowly,' mildly suggested Tottle. + +('That's right--bravo!') whispered Parsons. + +'Indeed!' said Miss Lillerton, with an air of majestic surprise. + +'I can only impute it to my unavoidable absence from your society, +madam,' said Watkins, 'and that of Mrs. Parsons.' + +During this short dialogue, the ladies had been leading the way to the +house. + +'What the deuce did you stick Fanny into that last compliment for?' +inquired Parsons, as they followed together; 'it quite spoilt the +effect.' + +'Oh! it really would have been too broad without,' replied Watkins +Tottle, 'much too broad!' + +'He's mad!' Parsons whispered his wife, as they entered the drawing-room, +'mad from modesty.' + +'Dear me!' ejaculated the lady, 'I never heard of such a thing.' + +'You'll find we have quite a family dinner, Mr. Tottle,' said Mrs. +Parsons, when they sat down to table: 'Miss Lillerton is one of us, and, +of course, we make no stranger of you.' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle expressed a hope that the Parsons family never would +make a stranger of him; and wished internally that his bashfulness would +allow him to feel a little less like a stranger himself. + +'Take off the covers, Martha,' said Mrs. Parsons, directing the shifting +of the scenery with great anxiety. The order was obeyed, and a pair of +boiled fowls, with tongue and et ceteras, were displayed at the top, and +a fillet of veal at the bottom. On one side of the table two green +sauce-tureens, with ladles of the same, were setting to each other in a +green dish; and on the other was a curried rabbit, in a brown suit, +turned up with lemon. + +'Miss Lillerton, my dear,' said Mrs. Parsons, 'shall I assist you?' + +'Thank you, no; I think I'll trouble Mr. Tottle.' + +Watkins started--trembled--helped the rabbit--and broke a tumbler. The +countenance of the lady of the house, which had been all smiles +previously, underwent an awful change. + +'Extremely sorry,' stammered Watkins, assisting himself to currie and +parsley and butter, in the extremity of his confusion. + +'Not the least consequence,' replied Mrs. Parsons, in a tone which +implied that it was of the greatest consequence possible,--directing +aside the researches of the boy, who was groping under the table for the +bits of broken glass. + +'I presume,' said Miss Lillerton, 'that Mr. Tottle is aware of the +interest which bachelors usually pay in such cases; a dozen glasses for +one is the lowest penalty.' + +Mr. Gabriel Parsons gave his friend an admonitory tread on the toe. Here +was a clear hint that the sooner he ceased to be a bachelor and +emancipated himself from such penalties, the better. Mr. Watkins Tottle +viewed the observation in the same light, and challenged Mrs. Parsons to +take wine, with a degree of presence of mind, which, under all the +circumstances, was really extraordinary. + +'Miss Lillerton,' said Gabriel, 'may I have the pleasure?' + +'I shall be most happy.' + +'Tottle, will you assist Miss Lillerton, and pass the decanter. Thank +you.' (The usual pantomimic ceremony of nodding and sipping gone +through)-- + +'Tottle, were you ever in Suffolk?' inquired the master of the house, who +was burning to tell one of his seven stock stories. + +'No,' responded Watkins, adding, by way of a saving clause, 'but I've +been in Devonshire.' + +'Ah!' replied Gabriel, 'it was in Suffolk that a rather singular +circumstance happened to me many years ago. Did you ever happen to hear +me mention it?' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle _had_ happened to hear his friend mention it some four +hundred times. Of course he expressed great curiosity, and evinced the +utmost impatience to hear the story again. Mr. Gabriel Parsons forthwith +attempted to proceed, in spite of the interruptions to which, as our +readers must frequently have observed, the master of the house is often +exposed in such cases. We will attempt to give them an idea of our +meaning. + +'When I was in Suffolk--' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons. + +'Take off the fowls first, Martha,' said Mrs. Parsons. 'I beg your +pardon, my dear.' + +'When I was in Suffolk,' resumed Mr. Parsons, with an impatient glance at +his wife, who pretended not to observe it, 'which is now years ago, +business led me to the town of Bury St. Edmund's. I had to stop at the +principal places in my way, and therefore, for the sake of convenience, I +travelled in a gig. I left Sudbury one dark night--it was winter +time--about nine o'clock; the rain poured in torrents, the wind howled +among the trees that skirted the roadside, and I was obliged to proceed +at a foot-pace, for I could hardly see my hand before me, it was so +dark--' + +'John,' interrupted Mrs. Parsons, in a low, hollow voice, 'don't spill +that gravy.' + +'Fanny,' said Parsons impatiently, 'I wish you'd defer these domestic +reproofs to some more suitable time. Really, my dear, these constant +interruptions are very annoying.' + +'My dear, I didn't interrupt you,' said Mrs. Parsons. + +'But, my dear, you did interrupt me,' remonstrated Mr. Parsons. + +'How very absurd you are, my love! I must give directions to the +servants; I am quite sure that if I sat here and allowed John to spill +the gravy over the new carpet, you'd be the first to find fault when you +saw the stain to-morrow morning.' + +'Well,' continued Gabriel with a resigned air, as if he knew there was no +getting over the point about the carpet, 'I was just saying, it was so +dark that I could hardly see my hand before me. The road was very +lonely, and I assure you, Tottle (this was a device to arrest the +wandering attention of that individual, which was distracted by a +confidential communication between Mrs. Parsons and Martha, accompanied +by the delivery of a large bunch of keys), I assure you, Tottle, I became +somehow impressed with a sense of the loneliness of my situation--' + +'Pie to your master,' interrupted Mrs. Parsons, again directing the +servant. + +'Now, pray, my dear,' remonstrated Parsons once more, very pettishly. +Mrs. P. turned up her hands and eyebrows, and appealed in dumb show to +Miss Lillerton. 'As I turned a corner of the road,' resumed Gabriel, +'the horse stopped short, and reared tremendously. I pulled up, jumped +out, ran to his head, and found a man lying on his back in the middle of +the road, with his eyes fixed on the sky. I thought he was dead; but no, +he was alive, and there appeared to be nothing the matter with him. He +jumped up, and potting his hand to his chest, and fixing upon me the most +earnest gaze you can imagine, exclaimed--'Pudding here,' said Mrs. +Parsons. + +'Oh! it's no use,' exclaimed the host, now rendered desperate. 'Here, +Tottle; a glass of wine. It's useless to attempt relating anything when +Mrs. Parsons is present.' + +This attack was received in the usual way. Mrs. Parsons talked _to_ Miss +Lillerton and _at_ her better half; expatiated on the impatience of men +generally; hinted that her husband was peculiarly vicious in this +respect, and wound up by insinuating that she must be one of the best +tempers that ever existed, or she never could put up with it. Really +what she had to endure sometimes, was more than any one who saw her in +every-day life could by possibility suppose.--The story was now a painful +subject, and therefore Mr. Parsons declined to enter into any details, +and contented himself by stating that the man was a maniac, who had +escaped from a neighbouring mad-house. + +The cloth was removed; the ladies soon afterwards retired, and Miss +Lillerton played the piano in the drawing-room overhead, very loudly, for +the edification of the visitor. Mr. Watkins Tottle and Mr. Gabriel +Parsons sat chatting comfortably enough, until the conclusion of the +second bottle, when the latter, in proposing an adjournment to the +drawing-room, informed Watkins that he had concerted a plan with his +wife, for leaving him and Miss Lillerton alone, soon after tea. + +'I say,' said Tottle, as they went up-stairs, 'don't you think it would +be better if we put it off till-till-to-morrow?' + +'Don't _you_ think it would have been much better if I had left you in +that wretched hole I found you in this morning?' retorted Parsons +bluntly. + +'Well--well--I only made a suggestion,' said poor Watkins Tottle, with a +deep sigh. + +Tea was soon concluded, and Miss Lillerton, drawing a small work-table on +one side of the fire, and placing a little wooden frame upon it, +something like a miniature clay-mill without the horse, was soon busily +engaged in making a watch-guard with brown silk. + +'God bless me!' exclaimed Parsons, starting up with well-feigned +surprise, 'I've forgotten those confounded letters. Tottle, I know +you'll excuse me.' + +If Tottle had been a free agent, he would have allowed no one to leave +the room on any pretence, except himself. As it was, however, he was +obliged to look cheerful when Parsons quitted the apartment. + +He had scarcely left, when Martha put her head into the room, +with--'Please, ma'am, you're wanted.' + +Mrs. Parsons left the room, shut the door carefully after her, and Mr. +Watkins Tottle was left alone with Miss Lillerton. + +For the first five minutes there was a dead silence.--Mr. Watkins Tottle +was thinking how he should begin, and Miss Lillerton appeared to be +thinking of nothing. The fire was burning low; Mr. Watkins Tottle +stirred it, and put some coals on. + +'Hem!' coughed Miss Lillerton; Mr. Watkins Tottle thought the fair +creature had spoken. 'I beg your pardon,' said he. + +'Eh?' + +'I thought you spoke.' + +'No.' + +'Oh!' + +'There are some books on the sofa, Mr. Tottle, if you would like to look +at them,' said Miss Lillerton, after the lapse of another five minutes. + +'No, thank you,' returned Watkins; and then he added, with a courage +which was perfectly astonishing, even to himself, 'Madam, that is Miss +Lillerton, I wish to speak to you.' + +'To me!' said Miss Lillerton, letting the silk drop from her hands, and +sliding her chair back a few paces.--'Speak--to me!' + +'To you, madam--and on the subject of the state of your affections.' The +lady hastily rose and would have left the room; but Mr. Watkins Tottle +gently detained her by the hand, and holding it as far from him as the +joint length of their arms would permit, he thus proceeded: 'Pray do not +misunderstand me, or suppose that I am led to address you, after so short +an acquaintance, by any feeling of my own merits--for merits I have none +which could give me a claim to your hand. I hope you will acquit me of +any presumption when I explain that I have been acquainted through Mrs. +Parsons, with the state--that is, that Mrs. Parsons has told me--at +least, not Mrs. Parsons, but--' here Watkins began to wander, but Miss +Lillerton relieved him. + +'Am I to understand, Mr. Tottle, that Mrs. Parsons has acquainted you +with my feeling--my affection--I mean my respect, for an individual of +the opposite sex?' + +'She has.' + +'Then, what?' inquired Miss Lillerton, averting her face, with a girlish +air, 'what could induce _you_ to seek such an interview as this? What +can your object be? How can I promote your happiness, Mr. Tottle?' + +Here was the time for a flourish--'By allowing me,' replied Watkins, +falling bump on his knees, and breaking two brace-buttons and a +waistcoat-string, in the act--'By allowing me to be your slave, your +servant--in short, by unreservedly making me the confidant of your +heart's feelings--may I say for the promotion of your own happiness--may +I say, in order that you may become the wife of a kind and affectionate +husband?' + +'Disinterested creature!' exclaimed Miss Lillerton, hiding her face in a +white pocket-handkerchief with an eyelet-hole border. + +Mr. Watkins Tottle thought that if the lady knew all, she might possibly +alter her opinion on this last point. He raised the tip of her middle +finger ceremoniously to his lips, and got off his knees, as gracefully as +he could. 'My information was correct?' he tremulously inquired, when he +was once more on his feet. + +'It was.' Watkins elevated his hands, and looked up to the ornament in +the centre of the ceiling, which had been made for a lamp, by way of +expressing his rapture. + +'Our situation, Mr. Tottle,' resumed the lady, glancing at him through +one of the eyelet-holes, 'is a most peculiar. and delicate one.' + +'It is,' said Mr. Tottle. + +'Our acquaintance has been of _so_ short duration,' said Miss Lillerton. + +'Only a week,' assented Watkins Tottle. + +'Oh! more than that,' exclaimed the lady, in a tone of surprise. + +'Indeed!' said Tottle. + +'More than a month--more than two months!' said Miss Lillerton. + +'Rather odd, this,' thought Watkins. + +'Oh!' he said, recollecting Parsons's assurance that she had known him +from report, 'I understand. But, my dear madam, pray, consider. The +longer this acquaintance has existed, the less reason is I there for +delay now. Why not at once fix a period for gratifying the hopes of your +devoted admirer?' + +'It has been represented to me again and again that this is the course I +ought to pursue,' replied Miss Lillerton, 'but pardon my feelings of +delicacy, Mr. Tottle--pray excuse this embarrassment--I have peculiar +ideas on such subjects, and I am quite sure that I never could summon up +fortitude enough to name the day to my future husband.' + +'Then allow _me_ to name it,' said Tottle eagerly. + +'I should like to fix it myself,' replied Miss Lillerton, bashfully, but +I cannot do so without at once resorting to a third party.' + +'A third party!' thought Watkins Tottle; 'who the deuce is that to be, I +wonder!' + +'Mr. Tottle,' continued Miss Lillerton, 'you have made me a most +disinterested and kind offer--that offer I accept. Will you at once be +the bearer of a note from me to--to Mr. Timson?' + +'Mr. Timson!' said Watkins. + +'After what has passed between us,' responded Miss Lillerton, still +averting her head, 'you must understand whom I mean; Mr. Timson, +the--the--clergyman.' + +'Mr. Timson, the clergyman!' ejaculated Watkins Tottle, in a state of +inexpressible beatitude, and positive wonder at his own success. 'Angel! +Certainly--this moment!' + +'I'll prepare it immediately,' said Miss Lillerton, making for the door; +'the events of this day have flurried me so much, Mr. Tottle, that I +shall not leave my room again this evening; I will send you the note by +the servant.' + +'Stay,--stay,' cried Watkins Tottle, still keeping a most respectful +distance from the lady; 'when shall we meet again?' + +'Oh! Mr. Tottle,' replied Miss Lillerton, coquettishly, 'when we are +married, I can never see you too often, nor thank you too much;' and she +left the room. + +Mr. Watkins Tottle flung himself into an arm-chair, and indulged in the +most delicious reveries of future bliss, in which the idea of 'Five +hundred pounds per annum, with an uncontrolled power of disposing of it +by her last will and testament,' was somehow or other the foremost. He +had gone through the interview so well, and it had terminated so +admirably, that he almost began to wish he had expressly stipulated for +the settlement of the annual five hundred on himself. + +'May I come in?' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, peeping in at the door. + +'You may,' replied Watkins. + +'Well, have you done it?' anxiously inquired Gabriel. + +'Have I done it!' said Watkins Tottle. 'Hush--I'm going to the +clergyman.' + +'No!' said Parsons. 'How well you have managed it!' + +'Where does Timson live?' inquired Watkins. + +'At his uncle's,' replied Gabriel, 'just round the lane. He's waiting +for a living, and has been assisting his uncle here for the last two or +three months. But how well you have done it--I didn't think you could +have carried it off so!' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle was proceeding to demonstrate that the Richardsonian +principle was the best on which love could possibly be made, when he was +interrupted by the entrance of Martha, with a little pink note folded +like a fancy cocked-hat. + +'Miss Lillerton's compliments,' said Martha, as she delivered it into +Tottle's hands, and vanished. + +'Do you observe the delicacy?' said Tottle, appealing to Mr. Gabriel +Parsons. '_Compliments_, not _love_, by the servant, eh?' + +Mr. Gabriel Parsons didn't exactly know what reply to make, so he poked +the forefinger of his right hand between the third and fourth ribs of Mr. +Watkins Tottle. + +'Come,' said Watkins, when the explosion of mirth, consequent on this +practical jest, had subsided, 'we'll be off at once--let's lose no time.' + +'Capital!' echoed Gabriel Parsons; and in five minutes they were at the +garden-gate of the villa tenanted by the uncle of Mr. Timson. + +'Is Mr. Charles Timson at home?' inquired Mr. Watkins Tottle of Mr. +Charles Timson's uncle's man. + +'Mr. Charles _is_ at home,' replied the man, stammering; 'but he desired +me to say he couldn't be interrupted, sir, by any of the parishioners.' + +'_I_ am not a parishioner,' replied Watkins. + +'Is Mr. Charles writing a sermon, Tom?' inquired Parsons, thrusting +himself forward. + +'No, Mr. Parsons, sir; he's not exactly writing a sermon, but he is +practising the violoncello in his own bedroom, and gave strict orders not +to be disturbed.' + +'Say I'm here,' replied Gabriel, leading the way across the garden; 'Mr. +Parsons and Mr. Tottle, on private and particular business.' + +They were shown into the parlour, and the servant departed to deliver his +message. The distant groaning of the violoncello ceased; footsteps were +heard on the stairs; and Mr. Timson presented himself, and shook hands +with Parsons with the utmost cordiality. + +'How do you do, sir?' said Watkins Tottle, with great solemnity. + +'How do _you_ do, sir?' replied Timson, with as much coldness as if it +were a matter of perfect indifference to him how he did, as it very +likely was. + +'I beg to deliver this note to you,' said Watkins Tottle, producing the +cocked-hat. + +'From Miss Lillerton!' said Timson, suddenly changing colour. 'Pray sit +down.' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle sat down; and while Timson perused the note, fixed his +eyes on an oyster-sauce-coloured portrait of the Archbishop of +Canterbury, which hung over the fireplace. + +Mr. Timson rose from his seat when he had concluded the note, and looked +dubiously at Parsons. 'May I ask,' he inquired, appealing to Watkins +Tottle, 'whether our friend here is acquainted with the object of your +visit?' + +'Our friend is in _my_ confidence,' replied Watkins, with considerable +importance. + +'Then, sir,' said Timson, seizing both Tottle's hands, 'allow me in his +presence to thank you most unfeignedly and cordially, for the noble part +you have acted in this affair.' + +'He thinks I recommended him,' thought Tottle. 'Confound these fellows! +they never think of anything but their fees.' + +'I deeply regret having misunderstood your intentions, my dear sir,' +continued Timson. 'Disinterested and manly, indeed! There are very few +men who would have acted as you have done.' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle could not help thinking that this last remark was +anything but complimentary. He therefore inquired, rather hastily, 'When +is it to be?' + +'On Thursday,' replied Timson,--'on Thursday morning at half-past eight.' + +'Uncommonly early,' observed Watkins Tottle, with an air of triumphant +self-denial. 'I shall hardly be able to get down here by that hour.' +(This was intended for a joke.) + +'Never mind, my dear fellow,' replied Timson, all suavity, shaking hands +with Tottle again most heartily, 'so long as we see you to breakfast, you +know--' + +'Eh!' said Parsons, with one of the most extraordinary expressions of +countenance that ever appeared in a human face. + +'What!' ejaculated Watkins Tottle, at the same moment. + +'I say that so long as we see you to breakfast,' replied Timson, 'we will +excuse your being absent from the ceremony, though of course your +presence at it would give us the utmost pleasure.' + +Mr. Watkins Tottle staggered against the wall, and fixed his eyes on +Timson with appalling perseverance. + +'Timson,' said Parsons, hurriedly brushing his hat with his left arm, +'when you say "us," whom do you mean?' + +Mr. Timson looked foolish in his turn, when he replied, 'Why--Mrs. Timson +that will be this day week: Miss Lillerton that is--' + +'Now don't stare at that idiot in the corner,' angrily exclaimed Parsons, +as the extraordinary convulsions of Watkins Tottle's countenance excited +the wondering gaze of Timson,--'but have the goodness to tell me in three +words the contents of that note?' + +'This note,' replied Timson, 'is from Miss Lillerton, to whom I have been +for the last five weeks regularly engaged. Her singular scruples and +strange feeling on some points have hitherto prevented my bringing the +engagement to that termination which I so anxiously desire. She informs +me here, that she sounded Mrs. Parsons with the view of making her her +confidante and go-between, that Mrs. Parsons informed this elderly +gentleman, Mr. Tottle, of the circumstance, and that he, in the most kind +and delicate terms, offered to assist us in any way, and even undertook +to convey this note, which contains the promise I have long sought in +vain--an act of kindness for which I can never be sufficiently grateful.' + +'Good night, Timson,' said Parsons, hurrying off, and carrying the +bewildered Tottle with him. + +'Won't you stay--and have something?' said Timson. + +'No, thank ye,' replied Parsons; 'I've had quite enough;' and away he +went, followed by Watkins Tottle in a state of stupefaction. + +Mr. Gabriel Parsons whistled until they had walked some quarter of a mile +past his own gate, when he suddenly stopped, and said-- + +'You are a clever fellow, Tottle, ain't you?' + +'I don't know,' said the unfortunate Watkins. + +'I suppose you'll say this is Fanny's fault, won't you?' inquired +Gabriel. + +'I don't know anything about it,' replied the bewildered Tottle. + +'Well,' said Parsons, turning on his heel to go home, 'the next time you +make an offer, you had better speak plainly, and don't throw a chance +away. And the next time you're locked up in a spunging-house, just wait +there till I come and take you out, there's a good fellow.' + +How, or at what hour, Mr. Watkins Tottle returned to Cecil-street is +unknown. His boots were seen outside his bedroom-door next morning; but +we have the authority of his landlady for stating that he neither emerged +therefrom nor accepted sustenance for four-and-twenty hours. At the +expiration of that period, and when a council of war was being held in +the kitchen on the propriety of summoning the parochial beadle to break +his door open, he rang his bell, and demanded a cup of milk-and-water. +The next morning he went through the formalities of eating and drinking +as usual, but a week afterwards he was seized with a relapse, while +perusing the list of marriages in a morning paper, from which he never +perfectly recovered. + +A few weeks after the last-named occurrence, the body of a gentleman +unknown, was found in the Regent's canal. In the trousers-pockets were +four shillings and threepence halfpenny; a matrimonial advertisement from +a lady, which appeared to have been cut out of a Sunday paper: a +tooth-pick, and a card-case, which it is confidently believed would have +led to the identification of the unfortunate gentleman, but for the +circumstance of there being none but blank cards in it. Mr. Watkins +Tottle absented himself from his lodgings shortly before. A bill, which +has not been taken up, was presented next morning; and a bill, which has +not been taken down, was soon afterwards affixed in his parlour-window. + + + +CHAPTER XI--THE BLOOMSBURY CHRISTENING + + +Mr. Nicodemus Dumps, or, as his acquaintance called him, 'long Dumps,' +was a bachelor, six feet high, and fifty years old: cross, cadaverous, +odd, and ill-natured. He was never happy but when he was miserable; and +always miserable when he had the best reason to be happy. The only real +comfort of his existence was to make everybody about him wretched--then +he might be truly said to enjoy life. He was afflicted with a situation +in the Bank worth five hundred a-year, and he rented a 'first-floor +furnished,' at Pentonville, which he originally took because it commanded +a dismal prospect of an adjacent churchyard. He was familiar with the +face of every tombstone, and the burial service seemed to excite his +strongest sympathy. His friends said he was surly--he insisted he was +nervous; they thought him a lucky dog, but he protested that he was 'the +most unfortunate man in the world.' Cold as he was, and wretched as he +declared himself to be, he was not wholly unsusceptible of attachments. +He revered the memory of Hoyle, as he was himself an admirable and +imperturbable whist-player, and he chuckled with delight at a fretful and +impatient adversary. He adored King Herod for his massacre of the +innocents; and if he hated one thing more than another, it was a child. +However, he could hardly be said to hate anything in particular, because +he disliked everything in general; but perhaps his greatest antipathies +were cabs, old women, doors that would not shut, musical amateurs, and +omnibus cads. He subscribed to the 'Society for the Suppression of Vice' +for the pleasure of putting a stop to any harmless amusements; and he +contributed largely towards the support of two itinerant methodist +parsons, in the amiable hope that if circumstances rendered any people +happy in this world, they might perchance be rendered miserable by fears +for the next. + +Mr. Dumps had a nephew who had been married about a year, and who was +somewhat of a favourite with his uncle, because he was an admirable +subject to exercise his misery-creating powers upon. Mr. Charles +Kitterbell was a small, sharp, spare man, with a very large head, and a +broad, good-humoured countenance. He looked like a faded giant, with the +head and face partially restored; and he had a cast in his eye which +rendered it quite impossible for any one with whom he conversed to know +where he was looking. His eyes appeared fixed on the wall, and he was +staring you out of countenance; in short, there was no catching his eye, +and perhaps it is a merciful dispensation of Providence that such eyes +are not catching. In addition to these characteristics, it may be added +that Mr. Charles Kitterbell was one of the most credulous and +matter-of-fact little personages that ever took _to_ himself a wife, and +_for_ himself a house in Great Russell-street, Bedford-square. (Uncle +Dumps always dropped the 'Bedford-square,' and inserted in lieu thereof +the dreadful words 'Tottenham-court-road.') + +'No, but, uncle, 'pon my life you must--you must promise to be +godfather,' said Mr. Kitterbell, as he sat in conversation with his +respected relative one morning. + +'I cannot, indeed I cannot,' returned Dumps. + +'Well, but why not? Jemima will think it very unkind. It's very little +trouble.' + +'As to the trouble,' rejoined the most unhappy man in existence, 'I don't +mind that; but my nerves are in that state--I cannot go through the +ceremony. You know I don't like going out.--For God's sake, Charles, +don't fidget with that stool so; you'll drive me mad.' Mr. Kitterbell, +quite regardless of his uncle's nerves, had occupied himself for some ten +minutes in describing a circle on the floor with one leg of the +office-stool on which he was seated, keeping the other three up in the +air, and holding fast on by the desk. + +'I beg your pardon, uncle,' said Kitterbell, quite abashed, suddenly +releasing his hold of the desk, and bringing the three wandering legs +back to the floor, with a force sufficient to drive them through it. + +'But come, don't refuse. If it's a boy, you know, we must have two +godfathers.' + +'_If_ it's a boy!' said Dumps; 'why can't you say at once whether it _is_ +a boy or not?' + +'I should be very happy to tell you, but it's impossible I can undertake +to say whether it's a girl or a boy, if the child isn't born yet.' + +'Not born yet!' echoed Dumps, with a gleam of hope lighting up his +lugubrious visage. 'Oh, well, it _may_ be a girl, and then you won't +want me; or if it is a boy, it _may_ die before it is christened.' + +'I hope not,' said the father that expected to be, looking very grave. + +'I hope not,' acquiesced Dumps, evidently pleased with the subject. He +was beginning to get happy. 'I hope not, but distressing cases +frequently occur during the first two or three days of a child's life; +fits, I am told, are exceedingly common, and alarming convulsions are +almost matters of course.' + +'Lord, uncle!' ejaculated little Kitterbell, gasping for breath. + +'Yes; my landlady was confined--let me see--last Tuesday: an uncommonly +fine boy. On the Thursday night the nurse was sitting with him upon her +knee before the fire, and he was as well as possible. Suddenly he became +black in the face, and alarmingly spasmodic. The medical man was +instantly sent for, and every remedy was tried, but--' + +'How frightful!' interrupted the horror-stricken Kitterbell. + +'The child died, of course. However, your child _may_ not die; and if it +should be a boy, and should _live_ to be christened, why I suppose I must +be one of the sponsors.' Dumps was evidently good-natured on the faith +of his anticipations. + +'Thank you, uncle,' said his agitated nephew, grasping his hand as warmly +as if he had done him some essential service. 'Perhaps I had better not +tell Mrs. K. what you have mentioned.' + +'Why, if she's low-spirited, perhaps you had better not mention the +melancholy case to her,' returned Dumps, who of course had invented the +whole story; 'though perhaps it would be but doing your duty as a husband +to prepare her for the _worst_.' + +A day or two afterwards, as Dumps was perusing a morning paper at the +chop-house which he regularly frequented, the following-paragraph met his +eyes:-- + + '_Births_.--On Saturday, the 18th inst., in Great Russell-street, the + lady of Charles Kitterbell, Esq., of a son.' + +'It _is_ a boy!' he exclaimed, dashing down the paper, to the +astonishment of the waiters. 'It _is_ a boy!' But he speedily regained +his composure as his eye rested on a paragraph quoting the number of +infant deaths from the bills of mortality. + +Six weeks passed away, and as no communication had been received from the +Kitterbells, Dumps was beginning to flatter himself that the child was +dead, when the following note painfully resolved his doubts:-- + + '_Great Russell-street_, + _Monday morning_. + + 'DEAR UNCLE,--You will be delighted to hear that my dear Jemima has + left her room, and that your future godson is getting on capitally. + He was very thin at first, but he is getting much larger, and nurse + says he is filling out every day. He cries a good deal, and is a + very singular colour, which made Jemima and me rather uncomfortable; + but as nurse says it's natural, and as of course we know nothing + about these things yet, we are quite satisfied with what nurse says. + We think he will be a sharp child; and nurse says she's sure he will, + because he never goes to sleep. You will readily believe that we are + all very happy, only we're a little worn out for want of rest, as he + keeps us awake all night; but this we must expect, nurse says, for + the first six or eight months. He has been vaccinated, but in + consequence of the operation being rather awkwardly performed, some + small particles of glass were introduced into the arm with the + matter. Perhaps this may in some degree account for his being rather + fractious; at least, so nurse says. We propose to have him + christened at twelve o'clock on Friday, at Saint George's church, in + Hart-street, by the name of Frederick Charles William. Pray don't be + later than a quarter before twelve. We shall have a very few friends + in the evening, when of course we shall see you. I am sorry to say + that the dear boy appears rather restless and uneasy to-day: the + cause, I fear, is fever. + + 'Believe me, dear Uncle, + 'Yours affectionately, + 'CHARLES KITTERBELL. + + 'P.S.--I open this note to say that we have just discovered the cause + of little Frederick's restlessness. It is not fever, as I + apprehended, but a small pin, which nurse accidentally stuck in his + leg yesterday evening. We have taken it out, and he appears more + composed, though he still sobs a good deal.' + +It is almost unnecessary to say that the perusal of the above interesting +statement was no great relief to the mind of the hypochondriacal Dumps. +It was impossible to recede, however, and so he put the best face--that +is to say, an uncommonly miserable one--upon the matter; and purchased a +handsome silver mug for the infant Kitterbell, upon which he ordered the +initials 'F. C. W. K.,' with the customary untrained grape-vine-looking +flourishes, and a large full stop, to be engraved forthwith. + +Monday was a fine day, Tuesday was delightful, Wednesday was equal to +either, and Thursday was finer than ever; four successive fine days in +London! Hackney-coachmen became revolutionary, and crossing-sweepers +began to doubt the existence of a First Cause. The _Morning Herald_ +informed its readers that an old woman in Camden Town had been heard to +say that the fineness of the season was 'unprecedented in the memory of +the oldest inhabitant;' and Islington clerks, with large families and +small salaries, left off their black gaiters, disdained to carry their +once green cotton umbrellas, and walked to town in the conscious pride of +white stockings and cleanly brushed Bluchers. Dumps beheld all this with +an eye of supreme contempt--his triumph was at hand. He knew that if it +had been fine for four weeks instead of four days, it would rain when he +went out; he was lugubriously happy in the conviction that Friday would +be a wretched day--and so it was. 'I knew how it would be,' said Dumps, +as he turned round opposite the Mansion-house at half-past eleven o'clock +on the Friday morning. 'I knew how it would be. _I_ am concerned, and +that's enough;'--and certainly the appearance of the day was sufficient +to depress the spirits of a much more buoyant-hearted individual than +himself. It had rained, without a moment's cessation, since eight +o'clock; everybody that passed up Cheapside, and down Cheapside, looked +wet, cold, and dirty. All sorts of forgotten and long-concealed +umbrellas had been put into requisition. Cabs whisked about, with the +'fare' as carefully boxed up behind two glazed calico curtains as any +mysterious picture in any one of Mrs. Radcliffe's castles; omnibus horses +smoked like steam-engines; nobody thought of 'standing up' under doorways +or arches; they were painfully convinced it was a hopeless case; and so +everybody went hastily along, jumbling and jostling, and swearing and +perspiring, and slipping about, like amateur skaters behind wooden chairs +on the Serpentine on a frosty Sunday. + +Dumps paused; he could not think of walking, being rather smart for the +christening. If he took a cab he was sure to be spilt, and a +hackney-coach was too expensive for his economical ideas. An omnibus was +waiting at the opposite corner--it was a desperate case--he had never +heard of an omnibus upsetting or running away, and if the cad did knock +him down, he could 'pull him up' in return. + +'Now, sir!' cried the young gentleman who officiated as 'cad' to the +'Lads of the Village,' which was the name of the machine just noticed. +Dumps crossed. + +'This vay, sir!' shouted the driver of the 'Hark-away,' pulling up his +vehicle immediately across the door of the opposition--'This vay, +sir--he's full.' Dumps hesitated, whereupon the 'Lads of the Village' +commenced pouring out a torrent of abuse against the 'Hark-away;' but the +conductor of the 'Admiral Napier' settled the contest in a most +satisfactory manner, for all parties, by seizing Dumps round the waist, +and thrusting him into the middle of his vehicle which had just come up +and only wanted the sixteenth inside. + +'All right,' said the 'Admiral,' and off the thing thundered, like a +fire-engine at full gallop, with the kidnapped customer inside, standing +in the position of a half doubled-up bootjack, and falling about with +every jerk of the machine, first on the one side, and then on the other, +like a 'Jack-in-the-green,' on May-day, setting to the lady with a brass +ladle. + +'For Heaven's sake, where am I to sit?' inquired the miserable man of an +old gentleman, into whose stomach he had just fallen for the fourth time. + +'Anywhere but on my _chest_, sir,' replied the old gentleman in a surly +tone. + +'Perhaps the _box_ would suit the gentleman better,' suggested a very +damp lawyer's clerk, in a pink shirt, and a smirking countenance. + +After a great deal of struggling and falling about, Dumps at last managed +to squeeze himself into a seat, which, in addition to the slight +disadvantage of being between a window that would not shut, and a door +that must be open, placed him in close contact with a passenger, who had +been walking about all the morning without an umbrella, and who looked as +if he had spent the day in a full water-butt--only wetter. + +'Don't bang the door so,' said Dumps to the conductor, as he shut it +after letting out four of the passengers; I am very nervous--it destroys +me.' + +'Did any gen'lm'n say anythink?' replied the cad, thrusting in his head, +and trying to look as if he didn't understand the request. + +'I told you not to bang the door so!' repeated Dumps, with an expression +of countenance like the knave of clubs, in convulsions. + +'Oh! vy, it's rather a sing'ler circumstance about this here door, sir, +that it von't shut without banging,' replied the conductor; and he opened +the door very wide, and shut it again with a terrific bang, in proof of +the assertion. + +'I beg your pardon, sir,' said a little prim, wheezing old gentleman, +sitting opposite Dumps, 'I beg your pardon; but have you ever observed, +when you have been in an omnibus on a wet day, that four people out of +five always come in with large cotton umbrellas, without a handle at the +top, or the brass spike at the bottom?' + +'Why, sir,' returned Dumps, as he heard the clock strike twelve, 'it +never struck me before; but now you mention it, I--Hollo! hollo!' shouted +the persecuted individual, as the omnibus dashed past Drury-lane, where +he had directed to be set down.--'Where is the cad?' + +'I think he's on the box, sir,' said the young gentleman before noticed +in the pink shirt, which looked like a white one ruled with red ink. + +'I want to be set down!' said Dumps in a faint voice, overcome by his +previous efforts. + +'I think these cads want to be _set down_,' returned the attorney's +clerk, chuckling at his sally. + +'Hollo!' cried Dumps again. + +'Hollo!' echoed the passengers. The omnibus passed St. Giles's church. + +'Hold hard!' said the conductor; 'I'm blowed if we ha'n't forgot the +gen'lm'n as vas to be set down at Doory-lane.--Now, sir, make haste, if +you please,' he added, opening the door, and assisting Dumps out with as +much coolness as if it was 'all right.' Dumps's indignation was for once +getting the better of his cynical equanimity. 'Drury-lane!' he gasped, +with the voice of a boy in a cold bath for the first time. + +'Doory-lane, sir?--yes, sir,--third turning on the right-hand side, sir.' + +Dumps's passion was paramount: he clutched his umbrella, and was striding +off with the firm determination of not paying the fare. The cad, by a +remarkable coincidence, happened to entertain a directly contrary +opinion, and Heaven knows how far the altercation would have proceeded, +if it had not been most ably and satisfactorily brought to a close by the +driver. + +'Hollo!' said that respectable person, standing up on the box, and +leaning with one hand on the roof of the omnibus. 'Hollo, Tom! tell the +gentleman if so be as he feels aggrieved, we will take him up to the +Edge-er (Edgeware) Road for nothing, and set him down at Doory-lane when +we comes back. He can't reject that, anyhow.' + +The argument was irresistible: Dumps paid the disputed sixpence, and in a +quarter of an hour was on the staircase of No. 14, Great Russell-street. + +Everything indicated that preparations were making for the reception of +'a few friends' in the evening. Two dozen extra tumblers, and four ditto +wine-glasses--looking anything but transparent, with little bits of straw +in them on the slab in the passage, just arrived. There was a great +smell of nutmeg, port wine, and almonds, on the staircase; the covers +were taken off the stair-carpet, and the figure of Venus on the first +landing looked as if she were ashamed of the composition-candle in her +right hand, which contrasted beautifully with the lamp-blacked drapery of +the goddess of love. The female servant (who looked very warm and +bustling) ushered Dumps into a front drawing-room, very prettily +furnished, with a plentiful sprinkling of little baskets, paper +table-mats, china watchmen, pink and gold albums, and rainbow-bound +little books on the different tables. + +'Ah, uncle!' said Mr. Kitterbell, 'how d'ye do? Allow me--Jemima, my +dear--my uncle. I think you've seen Jemima before, sir?' + +'Have had the _pleasure_,' returned big Dumps, his tone and look making +it doubtful whether in his life he had ever experienced the sensation. + +'I'm sure,' said Mrs. Kitterbell, with a languid smile, and a slight +cough. 'I'm sure--hem--any friend--of Charles's--hem--much less a +relation, is--' + +'I knew you'd say so, my love,' said little Kitterbell, who, while he +appeared to be gazing on the opposite houses, was looking at his wife +with a most affectionate air: 'Bless you!' The last two words were +accompanied with a simper, and a squeeze of the hand, which stirred up +all Uncle Dumps's bile. + +'Jane, tell nurse to bring down baby,' said Mrs. Kitterbell, addressing +the servant. Mrs. Kitterbell was a tall, thin young lady, with very +light hair, and a particularly white face--one of those young women who +almost invariably, though one hardly knows why, recall to one's mind the +idea of a cold fillet of veal. Out went the servant, and in came the +nurse, with a remarkably small parcel in her arms, packed up in a blue +mantle trimmed with white fur.--This was the baby. + +'Now, uncle,' said Mr. Kitterbell, lifting up that part of the mantle +which covered the infant's face, with an air of great triumph, '_Who_ do +you think he's like?' + +'He! he! Yes, who?' said Mrs. K., putting her arm through her husband's, +and looking up into Dumps's face with an expression of as much interest +as she was capable of displaying. + +'Good God, how small he is!' cried the amiable uncle, starting back with +well-feigned surprise; '_remarkably_ small indeed.' + +'Do you think so?' inquired poor little Kitterbell, rather alarmed. +'He's a monster to what he was--ain't he, nurse?' + +'He's a dear,' said the nurse, squeezing the child, and evading the +question--not because she scrupled to disguise the fact, but because she +couldn't afford to throw away the chance of Dumps's half-crown. + +'Well, but who is he like?' inquired little Kitterbell. + +Dumps looked at the little pink heap before him, and only thought at the +moment of the best mode of mortifying the youthful parents. + +'I really don't know _who_ he's like,' he answered, very well knowing the +reply expected of him. + +'Don't you think he's like _me_?' inquired his nephew with a knowing air. + +'Oh, _decidedly_ not!' returned Dumps, with an emphasis not to be +misunderstood. 'Decidedly not like you.--Oh, certainly not.' + +'Like Jemima?' asked Kitterbell, faintly. + +'Oh, dear no; not in the least. I'm no judge, of course, in such cases; +but I really think he's more like one of those little carved +representations that one sometimes sees blowing a trumpet on a +tombstone!' The nurse stooped down over the child, and with great +difficulty prevented an explosion of mirth. Pa and ma looked almost as +miserable as their amiable uncle. + +'Well!' said the disappointed little father, 'you'll be better able to +tell what he's like by-and-by. You shall see him this evening with his +mantle off.' + +'Thank you,' said Dumps, feeling particularly grateful. + +'Now, my love,' said Kitterbell to his wife, 'it's time we were off. +We're to meet the other godfather and the godmother at the church, +uncle,--Mr. and Mrs. Wilson from over the way--uncommonly nice people. +My love, are you well wrapped up?' + +'Yes, dear.' + +'Are you sure you won't have another shawl?' inquired the anxious +husband. + +'No, sweet,' returned the charming mother, accepting Dumps's proffered +arm; and the little party entered the hackney-coach that was to take them +to the church; Dumps amusing Mrs. Kitterbell by expatiating largely on +the danger of measles, thrush, teeth-cutting, and other interesting +diseases to which children are subject. + +The ceremony (which occupied about five minutes) passed off without +anything particular occurring. The clergyman had to dine some distance +from town, and had two churchings, three christenings, and a funeral to +perform in something less than an hour. The godfathers and godmother, +therefore, promised to renounce the devil and all his works--'and all +that sort of thing'--as little Kitterbell said--'in less than no time;' +and with the exception of Dumps nearly letting the child fall into the +font when he handed it to the clergyman, the whole affair went off in the +usual business-like and matter-of-course manner, and Dumps re-entered the +Bank-gates at two o'clock with a heavy heart, and the painful conviction +that he was regularly booked for an evening party. + +Evening came--and so did Dumps's pumps, black silk stockings, and white +cravat which he had ordered to be forwarded, per boy, from Pentonville. +The depressed godfather dressed himself at a friend's counting-house, +from whence, with his spirits fifty degrees below proof, he sallied +forth--as the weather had cleared up, and the evening was tolerably +fine--to walk to Great Russell-street. Slowly he paced up Cheapside, +Newgate-street, down Snow-hill, and up Holborn ditto, looking as grim as +the figure-head of a man-of-war, and finding out fresh causes of misery +at every step. As he was crossing the corner of Hatton-garden, a man +apparently intoxicated, rushed against him, and would have knocked him +down, had he not been providentially caught by a very genteel young man, +who happened to be close to him at the time. The shock so disarranged +Dumps's nerves, as well as his dress, that he could hardly stand. The +gentleman took his arm, and in the kindest manner walked with him as far +as Furnival's Inn. Dumps, for about the first time in his life, felt +grateful and polite; and he and the gentlemanly-looking young man parted +with mutual expressions of good will. + +'There are at least some well-disposed men in the world,' ruminated the +misanthropical Dumps, as he proceeded towards his destination. + +Rat--tat--ta-ra-ra-ra-ra-rat--knocked a hackney-coachman at Kitterbell's +door, in imitation of a gentleman's servant, just as Dumps reached it; +and out came an old lady in a large toque, and an old gentleman in a blue +coat, and three female copies of the old lady in pink dresses, and shoes +to match. + +'It's a large party,' sighed the unhappy godfather, wiping the +perspiration from his forehead, and leaning against the area-railings. +It was some time before the miserable man could muster up courage to +knock at the door, and when he did, the smart appearance of a +neighbouring greengrocer (who had been hired to wait for seven and +sixpence, and whose calves alone were worth double the money), the lamp +in the passage, and the Venus on the landing, added to the hum of many +voices, and the sound of a harp and two violins, painfully convinced him +that his surmises were but too well founded. + +'How are you?' said little Kitterbell, in a greater bustle than ever, +bolting out of the little back parlour with a cork-screw in his hand, and +various particles of sawdust, looking like so many inverted commas, on +his inexpressibles. + +'Good God!' said Dumps, turning into the aforesaid parlour to put his +shoes on, which he had brought in his coat-pocket, and still more +appalled by the sight of seven fresh-drawn corks, and a corresponding +number of decanters. 'How many people are there up-stairs?' + +'Oh, not above thirty-five. We've had the carpet taken up in the back +drawing-room, and the piano and the card-tables are in the front. Jemima +thought we'd better have a regular sit-down supper in the front parlour, +because of the speechifying, and all that. But, Lord! uncle, what's the +matter?' continued the excited little man, as Dumps stood with one shoe +on, rummaging his pockets with the most frightful distortion of visage. +'What have you lost? Your pocket-book?' + +'No,' returned Dumps, diving first into one pocket and then into the +other, and speaking in a voice like Desdemona with the pillow over her +mouth. + +'Your card-case? snuff-box? the key of your lodgings?' continued +Kitterbell, pouring question on question with the rapidity of lightning. + +'No! no!' ejaculated Dumps, still diving eagerly into his empty pockets. + +'Not--not--the _mug_ you spoke of this morning?' + +'Yes, the _mug_!' replied Dumps, sinking into a chair. + +'How _could_ you have done it?' inquired Kitterbell. 'Are you sure you +brought it out?' + +'Yes! yes! I see it all!' said Dumps, starting up as the idea flashed +across his mind; 'miserable dog that I am--I was born to suffer. I see +it all: it was the gentlemanly-looking young man!' + +'Mr. Dumps!' shouted the greengrocer in a stentorian voice, as he ushered +the somewhat recovered godfather into the drawing-room half an hour after +the above declaration. 'Mr. Dumps!'--everybody looked at the door, and +in came Dumps, feeling about as much out of place as a salmon might be +supposed to be on a gravel-walk. + +'Happy to see you again,' said Mrs. Kitterbell, quite unconscious of the +unfortunate man's confusion and misery; 'you must allow me to introduce +you to a few of our friends:--my mamma, Mr. Dumps--my papa and sisters.' +Dumps seized the hand of the mother as warmly as if she was his own +parent, bowed _to_ the young ladies, and _against_ a gentleman behind +him, and took no notice whatever of the father, who had been bowing +incessantly for three minutes and a quarter. + +'Uncle,' said little Kitterbell, after Dumps had been introduced to a +select dozen or two, 'you must let me lead you to the other end of the +room, to introduce you to my friend Danton. Such a splendid fellow!--I'm +sure you'll like him--this way,'--Dumps followed as tractably as a tame +bear. + +Mr. Danton was a young man of about five-and-twenty, with a considerable +stock of impudence, and a very small share of ideas: he was a great +favourite, especially with young ladies of from sixteen to twenty-six +years of age, both inclusive. He could imitate the French-horn to +admiration, sang comic songs most inimitably, and had the most +insinuating way of saying impertinent nothings to his doting female +admirers. He had acquired, somehow or other, the reputation of being a +great wit, and, accordingly, whenever he opened his mouth, everybody who +knew him laughed very heartily. + +The introduction took place in due form. Mr. Danton bowed, and twirled a +lady's handkerchief, which he held in his hand, in a most comic way. +Everybody smiled. + +'Very warm,' said Dumps, feeling it necessary to say something. + +'Yes. It was warmer yesterday,' returned the brilliant Mr. Danton.--A +general laugh. + +'I have great pleasure in congratulating you on your first appearance in +the character of a father, sir,' he continued, addressing +Dumps--'godfather, I mean.'--The young ladies were convulsed, and the +gentlemen in ecstasies. + +A general hum of admiration interrupted the conversation, and announced +the entrance of nurse with the baby. An universal rush of the young +ladies immediately took place. (Girls are always _so_ fond of babies in +company.) + +'Oh, you dear!' said one. + +'How sweet!' cried another, in a low tone of the most enthusiastic +admiration. + +'Heavenly!' added a third. + +'Oh! what dear little arms!' said a fourth, holding up an arm and fist +about the size and shape of the leg of a fowl cleanly picked. + +'Did you ever!'--said a little coquette with a large bustle, who looked +like a French lithograph, appealing to a gentleman in three +waistcoats--'Did you ever!' + +'Never, in my life,' returned her admirer, pulling up his collar. + +'Oh! _do_ let me take it, nurse,' cried another young lady. 'The love!' + +'Can it open its eyes, nurse?' inquired another, affecting the utmost +innocence.--Suffice it to say, that the single ladies unanimously voted +him an angel, and that the married ones, _nem. con._, agreed that he was +decidedly the finest baby they had ever beheld--except their own. + +The quadrilles were resumed with great spirit. Mr. Danton was +universally admitted to be beyond himself; several young ladies enchanted +the company and gained admirers by singing 'We met'--'I saw her at the +Fancy Fair'--and other equally sentimental and interesting ballads. 'The +young men,' as Mrs. Kitterbell said, 'made themselves very agreeable;' +the girls did not lose their opportunity; and the evening promised to go +off excellently. Dumps didn't mind it: he had devised a plan for +himself--a little bit of fun in his own way--and he was almost happy! He +played a rubber and lost every point Mr. Danton said he could not have +lost every point, because he made a point of losing: everybody laughed +tremendously. Dumps retorted with a better joke, and nobody smiled, with +the exception of the host, who seemed to consider it his duty to laugh +till he was black in the face, at everything. There was only one +drawback--the musicians did not play with quite as much spirit as could +have been wished. The cause, however, was satisfactorily explained; for +it appeared, on the testimony of a gentleman who had come up from +Gravesend in the afternoon, that they had been engaged on board a steamer +all day, and had played almost without cessation all the way to +Gravesend, and all the way back again. + +The 'sit-down supper' was excellent; there were four barley-sugar temples +on the table, which would have looked beautiful if they had not melted +away when the supper began; and a water-mill, whose only fault was that +instead of going round, it ran over the table-cloth. Then there were +fowls, and tongue, and trifle, and sweets, and lobster salad, and potted +beef--and everything. And little Kitterbell kept calling out for clean +plates, and the clean plates did not come: and then the gentlemen who +wanted the plates said they didn't mind, they'd take a lady's; and then +Mrs. Kitterbell applauded their gallantry, and the greengrocer ran about +till he thought his seven and sixpence was very hardly earned; and the +young ladies didn't eat much for fear it shouldn't look romantic, and the +married ladies eat as much as possible, for fear they shouldn't have +enough; and a great deal of wine was drunk, and everybody talked and +laughed considerably. + +'Hush! hush!' said Mr. Kitterbell, rising and looking very important. +'My love (this was addressed to his wife at the other end of the table), +take care of Mrs. Maxwell, and your mamma, and the rest of the married +ladies; the gentlemen will persuade the young ladies to fill their +glasses, I am sure.' + +'Ladies and gentlemen,' said long Dumps, in a very sepulchral voice and +rueful accent, rising from his chair like the ghost in Don Juan, 'will +you have the kindness to charge your glasses? I am desirous of proposing +a toast.' + +A dead silence ensued, and the glasses were filled--everybody looked +serious. + +'Ladies and gentlemen,' slowly continued the ominous Dumps, 'I'--(here +Mr. Danton imitated two notes from the French-horn, in a very loud key, +which electrified the nervous toast-proposer, and convulsed his +audience). + +'Order! order!' said little Kitterbell, endeavouring to suppress his +laughter. + +'Order!' said the gentlemen. + +'Danton, be quiet,' said a particular friend on the opposite side of the +table. + +'Ladies and gentlemen,' resumed Dumps, somewhat recovered, and not much +disconcerted, for he was always a pretty good hand at a speech--'In +accordance with what is, I believe, the established usage on these +occasions, I, as one of the godfathers of Master Frederick Charles +William Kitterbell--(here the speaker's voice faltered, for he remembered +the mug)--venture to rise to propose a toast. I need hardly say that it +is the health and prosperity of that young gentleman, the particular +event of whose early life we are here met to celebrate--(applause). +Ladies and gentlemen, it is impossible to suppose that our friends here, +whose sincere well-wishers we all are, can pass through life without some +trials, considerable suffering, severe affliction, and heavy +losses!'--Here the arch-traitor paused, and slowly drew forth a long, +white pocket-handkerchief--his example was followed by several ladies. +'That these trials may be long spared them is my most earnest prayer, my +most fervent wish (a distinct sob from the grandmother). I hope and +trust, ladies and gentlemen, that the infant whose christening we have +this evening met to celebrate, may not be removed from the arms of his +parents by premature decay (several cambrics were in requisition): that +his young and now _apparently_ healthy form, may not be wasted by +lingering disease. (Here Dumps cast a sardonic glance around, for a +great sensation was manifest among the married ladies.) You, I am sure, +will concur with me in wishing that he may live to be a comfort and a +blessing to his parents. ("Hear, hear!" and an audible sob from Mr. +Kitterbell.) But should he not be what we could wish--should he forget +in after times the duty which he owes to them--should they unhappily +experience that distracting truth, "how sharper than a serpent's tooth it +is to have a thankless child"'--Here Mrs. Kitterbell, with her +handkerchief to her eyes, and accompanied by several ladies, rushed from +the room, and went into violent hysterics in the passage, leaving her +better half in almost as bad a condition, and a general impression in +Dumps's favour; for people like sentiment, after all. + +It need hardly be added, that this occurrence quite put a stop to the +harmony of the evening. Vinegar, hartshorn, and cold water, were now as +much in request as negus, rout-cakes, and _bon-bons_ had been a short +time before. Mrs. Kitterbell was immediately conveyed to her apartment, +the musicians were silenced, flirting ceased, and the company slowly +departed. Dumps left the house at the commencement of the bustle, and +walked home with a light step, and (for him) a cheerful heart. His +landlady, who slept in the next room, has offered to make oath that she +heard him laugh, in his peculiar manner, after he had locked his door. +The assertion, however, is so improbable, and bears on the face of it +such strong evidence of untruth, that it has never obtained credence to +this hour. + +The family of Mr. Kitterbell has considerably increased since the period +to which we have referred; he has now two sons and a daughter; and as he +expects, at no distant period, to have another addition to his blooming +progeny, he is anxious to secure an eligible godfather for the occasion. +He is determined, however, to impose upon him two conditions. He must +bind himself, by a solemn obligation, not to make any speech after +supper; and it is indispensable that he should be in no way connected +with 'the most miserable man in the world.' + + + +CHAPTER XII--THE DRUNKARD'S DEATH + + +We will be bold to say, that there is scarcely a man in the constant +habit of walking, day after day, through any of the crowded thoroughfares +of London, who cannot recollect among the people whom he 'knows by +sight,' to use a familiar phrase, some being of abject and wretched +appearance whom he remembers to have seen in a very different condition, +whom he has observed sinking lower and lower, by almost imperceptible +degrees, and the shabbiness and utter destitution of whose appearance, at +last, strike forcibly and painfully upon him, as he passes by. Is there +any man who has mixed much with society, or whose avocations have caused +him to mingle, at one time or other, with a great number of people, who +cannot call to mind the time when some shabby, miserable wretch, in rags +and filth, who shuffles past him now in all the squalor of disease and +poverty, with a respectable tradesman, or clerk, or a man following some +thriving pursuit, with good prospects, and decent means?--or cannot any +of our readers call to mind from among the list of their _quondam_ +acquaintance, some fallen and degraded man, who lingers about the +pavement in hungry misery--from whom every one turns coldly away, and who +preserves himself from sheer starvation, nobody knows how? Alas! such +cases are of too frequent occurrence to be rare items in any man's +experience; and but too often arise from one cause--drunkenness--that +fierce rage for the slow, sure poison, that oversteps every other +consideration; that casts aside wife, children, friends, happiness, and +station; and hurries its victims madly on to degradation and death. + +Some of these men have been impelled, by misfortune and misery, to the +vice that has degraded them. The ruin of worldly expectations, the death +of those they loved, the sorrow that slowly consumes, but will not break +the heart, has driven them wild; and they present the hideous spectacle +of madmen, slowly dying by their own hands. But by far the greater part +have wilfully, and with open eyes, plunged into the gulf from which the +man who once enters it never rises more, but into which he sinks deeper +and deeper down, until recovery is hopeless. + +Such a man as this once stood by the bedside of his dying wife, while his +children knelt around, and mingled loud bursts of grief with their +innocent prayers. The room was scantily and meanly furnished; and it +needed but a glance at the pale form from which the light of life was +fast passing away, to know that grief, and want, and anxious care, had +been busy at the heart for many a weary year. An elderly woman, with her +face bathed in tears, was supporting the head of the dying woman--her +daughter--on her arm. But it was not towards her that the was face +turned; it was not her hand that the cold and trembling fingers clasped; +they pressed the husband's arm; the eyes so soon to be closed in death +rested on his face, and the man shook beneath their gaze. His dress was +slovenly and disordered, his face inflamed, his eyes bloodshot and heavy. +He had been summoned from some wild debauch to the bed of sorrow and +death. + +A shaded lamp by the bed-side cast a dim light on the figures around, and +left the remainder of the room in thick, deep shadow. The silence of +night prevailed without the house, and the stillness of death was in the +chamber. A watch hung over the mantel-shelf; its low ticking was the +only sound that broke the profound quiet, but it was a solemn one, for +well they knew, who heard it, that before it had recorded the passing of +another hour, it would beat the knell of a departed spirit. + +It is a dreadful thing to wait and watch for the approach of death; to +know that hope is gone, and recovery impossible; and to sit and count the +dreary hours through long, long nights--such nights as only watchers by +the bed of sickness know. It chills the blood to hear the dearest +secrets of the heart--the pent-up, hidden secrets of many years--poured +forth by the unconscious, helpless being before you; and to think how +little the reserve and cunning of a whole life will avail, when fever and +delirium tear off the mask at last. Strange tales have been told in the +wanderings of dying men; tales so full of guilt and crime, that those who +stood by the sick person's couch have fled in horror and affright, lest +they should be scared to madness by what they heard and saw; and many a +wretch has died alone, raving of deeds the very name of which has driven +the boldest man away. + +But no such ravings were to be heard at the bed-side by which the +children knelt. Their half-stifled sobs and moaning alone broke the +silence of the lonely chamber. And when at last the mother's grasp +relaxed, and, turning one look from the children to the father, she +vainly strove to speak, and fell backward on the pillow, all was so calm +and tranquil that she seemed to sink to sleep. They leant over her; they +called upon her name, softly at first, and then in the loud and piercing +tones of desperation. But there was no reply. They listened for her +breath, but no sound came. They felt for the palpitation of the heart, +but no faint throb responded to the touch. That heart was broken, and +she was dead! + +The husband sunk into a chair by the bed-side, and clasped his hands upon +his burning forehead. He gazed from child to child, but when a weeping +eye met his, he quailed beneath its look. No word of comfort was +whispered in his ear, no look of kindness lighted on his face. All +shrunk from and avoided him; and when at last he staggered from the room, +no one sought to follow or console the widower. + +The time had been when many a friend would have crowded round him in his +affliction, and many a heartfelt condolence would have met him in his +grief. Where were they now? One by one, friends, relations, the +commonest acquaintance even, had fallen off from and deserted the +drunkard. His wife alone had clung to him in good and evil, in sickness +and poverty, and how had he rewarded her? He had reeled from the tavern +to her bed-side in time to see her die. + +He rushed from the house, and walked swiftly through the streets. +Remorse, fear, shame, all crowded on his mind. Stupefied with drink, and +bewildered with the scene he had just witnessed, he re-entered the tavern +he had quitted shortly before. Glass succeeded glass. His blood +mounted, and his brain whirled round. Death! Every one must die, and +why not _she_? She was too good for him; her relations had often told +him so. Curses on them! Had they not deserted her, and left her to +whine away the time at home? Well--she was dead, and happy perhaps. It +was better as it was. Another glass--one more! Hurrah! It was a merry +life while it lasted; and he would make the most of it. + +Time went on; the three children who were left to him, grew up, and were +children no longer. The father remained the same--poorer, shabbier, and +more dissolute-looking, but the same confirmed and irreclaimable +drunkard. The boys had, long ago, run wild in the streets, and left him; +the girl alone remained, but she worked hard, and words or blows could +always procure him something for the tavern. So he went on in the old +course, and a merry life he led. + +One night, as early as ten o'clock--for the girl had been sick for many +days, and there was, consequently, little to spend at the +public-house--he bent his steps homeward, bethinking himself that if he +would have her able to earn money, it would be as well to apply to the +parish surgeon, or, at all events, to take the trouble of inquiring what +ailed her, which he had not yet thought it worth while to do. It was a +wet December night; the wind blew piercing cold, and the rain poured +heavily down. He begged a few halfpence from a passer-by, and having +bought a small loaf (for it was his interest to keep the girl alive, if +he could), he shuffled onwards as fast as the wind and rain would let +him. + +At the back of Fleet-street, and lying between it and the water-side, are +several mean and narrow courts, which form a portion of Whitefriars: it +was to one of these that he directed his steps. + +The alley into which he turned, might, for filth and misery, have +competed with the darkest corner of this ancient sanctuary in its +dirtiest and most lawless time. The houses, varying from two stories in +height to four, were stained with every indescribable hue that long +exposure to the weather, damp, and rottenness can impart to tenements +composed originally of the roughest and coarsest materials. The windows +were patched with paper, and stuffed with the foulest rags; the doors +were falling from their hinges; poles with lines on which to dry clothes, +projected from every casement, and sounds of quarrelling or drunkenness +issued from every room. + +The solitary oil lamp in the centre of the court had been blown out, +either by the violence of the wind or the act of some inhabitant who had +excellent reasons for objecting to his residence being rendered too +conspicuous; and the only light which fell upon the broken and uneven +pavement, was derived from the miserable candles that here and there +twinkled in the rooms of such of the more fortunate residents as could +afford to indulge in so expensive a luxury. A gutter ran down the centre +of the alley--all the sluggish odours of which had been called forth by +the rain; and as the wind whistled through the old houses, the doors and +shutters creaked upon their hinges, and the windows shook in their +frames, with a violence which every moment seemed to threaten the +destruction of the whole place. + +The man whom we have followed into this den, walked on in the darkness, +sometimes stumbling into the main gutter, and at others into some branch +repositories of garbage which had been formed by the rain, until he +reached the last house in the court. The door, or rather what was left +of it, stood ajar, for the convenience of the numerous lodgers; and he +proceeded to grope his way up the old and broken stair, to the attic +story. + +He was within a step or two of his room door, when it opened, and a girl, +whose miserable and emaciated appearance was only to be equalled by that +of the candle which she shaded with her hand, peeped anxiously out. + +'Is that you, father?' said the girl. + +'Who else should it be?' replied the man gruffly. 'What are you +trembling at? It's little enough that I've had to drink to-day, for +there's no drink without money, and no money without work. What the +devil's the matter with the girl?' + +'I am not well, father--not at all well,' said the girl, bursting into +tears. + +'Ah!' replied the man, in the tone of a person who is compelled to admit +a very unpleasant fact, to which he would rather remain blind, if he +could. 'You must get better somehow, for we must have money. You must +go to the parish doctor, and make him give you some medicine. They're +paid for it, damn 'em. What are you standing before the door for? Let +me come in, can't you?' + +'Father,' whispered the girl, shutting the door behind her, and placing +herself before it, 'William has come back.' + +'Who!' said the man with a start. + +'Hush,' replied the girl, 'William; brother William.' + +'And what does he want?' said the man, with an effort at +composure--'money? meat? drink? He's come to the wrong shop for that, if +he does. Give me the candle--give me the candle, fool--I ain't going to +hurt him.' He snatched the candle from her hand, and walked into the +room. + +Sitting on an old box, with his head resting on his hand, and his eyes +fixed on a wretched cinder fire that was smouldering on the hearth, was a +young man of about two-and-twenty, miserably clad in an old coarse jacket +and trousers. He started up when his father entered. + +'Fasten the door, Mary,' said the young man hastily--'Fasten the door. +You look as if you didn't know me, father. It's long enough, since you +drove me from home; you may well forget me.' + +'And what do you want here, now?' said the father, seating himself on a +stool, on the other side of the fireplace. 'What do you want here, now?' + +'Shelter,' replied the son. 'I'm in trouble: that's enough. If I'm +caught I shall swing; that's certain. Caught I shall be, unless I stop +here; that's _as_ certain. And there's an end of it.' + +'You mean to say, you've been robbing, or murdering, then?' said the +father. + +'Yes, I do,' replied the son. 'Does it surprise you, father?' He looked +steadily in the man's face, but he withdrew his eyes, and bent them on +the ground. + +'Where's your brothers?' he said, after a long pause. + +'Where they'll never trouble you,' replied his son: 'John's gone to +America, and Henry's dead.' + +'Dead!' said the father, with a shudder, which even he could not express. + +'Dead,' replied the young man. 'He died in my arms--shot like a dog, by +a gamekeeper. He staggered back, I caught him, and his blood trickled +down my hands. It poured out from his side like water. He was weak, and +it blinded him, but he threw himself down on his knees, on the grass, and +prayed to God, that if his mother was in heaven, He would hear her +prayers for pardon for her youngest son. "I was her favourite boy, +Will," he said, "and I am glad to think, now, that when she was dying, +though I was a very young child then, and my little heart was almost +bursting, I knelt down at the foot of the bed, and thanked God for having +made me so fond of her as to have never once done anything to bring the +tears into her eyes. O Will, why was she taken away, and father left?" +There's his dying words, father,' said the young man; 'make the best you +can of 'em. You struck him across the face, in a drunken fit, the +morning we ran away; and here's the end of it.' + +The girl wept aloud; and the father, sinking his head upon his knees, +rocked himself to and fro. + +'If I am taken,' said the young man, 'I shall be carried back into the +country, and hung for that man's murder. They cannot trace me here, +without your assistance, father. For aught I know, you may give me up to +justice; but unless you do, here I stop, until I can venture to escape +abroad.' + +For two whole days, all three remained in the wretched room, without +stirring out. On the third evening, however, the girl was worse than she +had been yet, and the few scraps of food they had were gone. It was +indispensably necessary that somebody should go out; and as the girl was +too weak and ill, the father went, just at nightfall. + +He got some medicine for the girl, and a trifle in the way of pecuniary +assistance. On his way back, he earned sixpence by holding a horse; and +he turned homewards with enough money to supply their most pressing wants +for two or three days to come. He had to pass the public-house. He +lingered for an instant, walked past it, turned back again, lingered once +more, and finally slunk in. Two men whom he had not observed, were on +the watch. They were on the point of giving up their search in despair, +when his loitering attracted their attention; and when he entered the +public-house, they followed him. + +'You'll drink with me, master,' said one of them, proffering him a glass +of liquor. + +'And me too,' said the other, replenishing the glass as soon as it was +drained of its contents. + +The man thought of his hungry children, and his son's danger. But they +were nothing to the drunkard. He _did_ drink; and his reason left him. + +'A wet night, Warden,' whispered one of the men in his ear, as he at +length turned to go away, after spending in liquor one-half of the money +on which, perhaps, his daughter's life depended. + +'The right sort of night for our friends in hiding, Master Warden,' +whispered the other. + +'Sit down here,' said the one who had spoken first, drawing him into a +corner. 'We have been looking arter the young un. We came to tell him, +it's all right now, but we couldn't find him 'cause we hadn't got the +precise direction. But that ain't strange, for I don't think he know'd +it himself, when he come to London, did he?' + +'No, he didn't,' replied the father. + +The two men exchanged glances. + +'There's a vessel down at the docks, to sail at midnight, when it's high +water,' resumed the first speaker, 'and we'll put him on board. His +passage is taken in another name, and what's better than that, it's paid +for. It's lucky we met you.' + +'Very,' said the second. + +'Capital luck,' said the first, with a wink to his companion. + +'Great,' replied the second, with a slight nod of intelligence. + +'Another glass here; quick'--said the first speaker. And in five minutes +more, the father had unconsciously yielded up his own son into the +hangman's hands. + +Slowly and heavily the time dragged along, as the brother and sister, in +their miserable hiding-place, listened in anxious suspense to the +slightest sound. At length, a heavy footstep was heard upon the stair; +it approached nearer; it reached the landing; and the father staggered +into the room. + +The girl saw that he was intoxicated, and advanced with the candle in her +hand to meet him; she stopped short, gave a loud scream, and fell +senseless on the ground. She had caught sight of the shadow of a man +reflected on the floor. They both rushed in, and in another instant the +young man was a prisoner, and handcuffed. + +'Very quietly done,' said one of the men to his companion, 'thanks to the +old man. Lift up the girl, Tom--come, come, it's no use crying, young +woman. It's all over now, and can't be helped.' + +The young man stooped for an instant over the girl, and then turned +fiercely round upon his father, who had reeled against the wall, and was +gazing on the group with drunken stupidity. + +'Listen to me, father,' he said, in a tone that made the drunkard's flesh +creep. 'My brother's blood, and mine, is on your head: I never had kind +look, or word, or care, from you, and alive or dead, I never will forgive +you. Die when you will, or how, I will be with you. I speak as a dead +man now, and I warn you, father, that as surely as you must one day stand +before your Maker, so surely shall your children be there, hand in hand, +to cry for judgment against you.' He raised his manacled hands in a +threatening attitude, fixed his eyes on his shrinking parent, and slowly +left the room; and neither father nor sister ever beheld him more, on +this side of the grave. + +When the dim and misty light of a winter's morning penetrated into the +narrow court, and struggled through the begrimed window of the wretched +room, Warden awoke from his heavy sleep, and found himself alone. He +rose, and looked round him; the old flock mattress on the floor was +undisturbed; everything was just as he remembered to have seen it last: +and there were no signs of any one, save himself, having occupied the +room during the night. He inquired of the other lodgers, and of the +neighbours; but his daughter had not been seen or heard of. He rambled +through the streets, and scrutinised each wretched face among the crowds +that thronged them, with anxious eyes. But his search was fruitless, and +he returned to his garret when night came on, desolate and weary. + +For many days he occupied himself in the same manner, but no trace of his +daughter did he meet with, and no word of her reached his ears. At +length he gave up the pursuit as hopeless. He had long thought of the +probability of her leaving him, and endeavouring to gain her bread in +quiet, elsewhere. She had left him at last to starve alone. He ground +his teeth, and cursed her! + +He begged his bread from door to door. Every halfpenny he could wring +from the pity or credulity of those to whom he addressed himself, was +spent in the old way. A year passed over his head; the roof of a jail +was the only one that had sheltered him for many months. He slept under +archways, and in brickfields--anywhere, where there was some warmth or +shelter from the cold and rain. But in the last stage of poverty, +disease, and houseless want, he was a drunkard still. + +At last, one bitter night, he sunk down on a door-step faint and ill. +The premature decay of vice and profligacy had worn him to the bone. His +cheeks were hollow and livid; his eyes were sunken, and their sight was +dim. His legs trembled beneath his weight, and a cold shiver ran through +every limb. + +And now the long-forgotten scenes of a misspent life crowded thick and +fast upon him. He thought of the time when he had a home--a happy, +cheerful home--and of those who peopled it, and flocked about him then, +until the forms of his elder children seemed to rise from the grave, and +stand about him--so plain, so clear, and so distinct they were that he +could touch and feel them. Looks that he had long forgotten were fixed +upon him once more; voices long since hushed in death sounded in his ears +like the music of village bells. But it was only for an instant. The +rain beat heavily upon him; and cold and hunger were gnawing at his heart +again. + +He rose, and dragged his feeble limbs a few paces further. The street +was silent and empty; the few passengers who passed by, at that late +hour, hurried quickly on, and his tremulous voice was lost in the +violence of the storm. Again that heavy chill struck through his frame, +and his blood seemed to stagnate beneath it. He coiled himself up in a +projecting doorway, and tried to sleep. + +But sleep had fled from his dull and glazed eyes. His mind wandered +strangely, but he was awake, and conscious. The well-known shout of +drunken mirth sounded in his ear, the glass was at his lips, the board +was covered with choice rich food--they were before him: he could see +them all, he had but to reach out his hand, and take them--and, though +the illusion was reality itself, he knew that he was sitting alone in the +deserted street, watching the rain-drops as they pattered on the stones; +that death was coming upon him by inches--and that there were none to +care for or help him. + +Suddenly he started up, in the extremity of terror. He had heard his own +voice shouting in the night air, he knew not what, or why. Hark! A +groan!--another! His senses were leaving him: half-formed and incoherent +words burst from his lips; and his hands sought to tear and lacerate his +flesh. He was going mad, and he shrieked for help till his voice failed +him. + +He raised his head, and looked up the long dismal street. He recollected +that outcasts like himself, condemned to wander day and night in those +dreadful streets, had sometimes gone distracted with their own +loneliness. He remembered to have heard many years before that a +homeless wretch had once been found in a solitary corner, sharpening a +rusty knife to plunge into his own heart, preferring death to that +endless, weary, wandering to and fro. In an instant his resolve was +taken, his limbs received new life; he ran quickly from the spot, and +paused not for breath until he reached the river-side. + +He crept softly down the steep stone stairs that lead from the +commencement of Waterloo Bridge, down to the water's level. He crouched +into a corner, and held his breath, as the patrol passed. Never did +prisoner's heart throb with the hope of liberty and life half so eagerly +as did that of the wretched man at the prospect of death. The watch +passed close to him, but he remained unobserved; and after waiting till +the sound of footsteps had died away in the distance, he cautiously +descended, and stood beneath the gloomy arch that forms the landing-place +from the river. + +The tide was in, and the water flowed at his feet. The rain had ceased, +the wind was lulled, and all was, for the moment, still and quiet--so +quiet, that the slightest sound on the opposite bank, even the rippling +of the water against the barges that were moored there, was distinctly +audible to his ear. The stream stole languidly and sluggishly on. +Strange and fantastic forms rose to the surface, and beckoned him to +approach; dark gleaming eyes peered from the water, and seemed to mock +his hesitation, while hollow murmurs from behind, urged him onwards. He +retreated a few paces, took a short run, desperate leap, and plunged into +the river. + +Not five seconds had passed when he rose to the water's surface--but what +a change had taken place in that short time, in all his thoughts and +feelings! Life--life in any form, poverty, misery, starvation--anything +but death. He fought and struggled with the water that closed over his +head, and screamed in agonies of terror. The curse of his own son rang +in his ears. The shore--but one foot of dry ground--he could almost +touch the step. One hand's breadth nearer, and he was saved--but the +tide bore him onward, under the dark arches of the bridge, and he sank to +the bottom. + +Again he rose, and struggled for life. For one instant--for one brief +instant--the buildings on the river's banks, the lights on the bridge +through which the current had borne him, the black water, and the +fast-flying clouds, were distinctly visible--once more he sunk, and once +again he rose. Bright flames of fire shot up from earth to heaven, and +reeled before his eyes, while the water thundered in his ears, and +stunned him with its furious roar. + +A week afterwards the body was washed ashore, some miles down the river, +a swollen and disfigured mass. Unrecognised and unpitied, it was borne +to the grave; and there it has long since mouldered away! + + + + +SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN + + + TO THE YOUNG LADIES + OF THE + United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland; + ALSO + THE YOUNG LADIES + OF + THE PRINCIPALITY OF WALES, + AND LIKEWISE + THE YOUNG LADIES + RESIDENT IN THE ISLES OF + GUERNSEY, JERSEY, ALDERNEY, AND SARK, + THE HUMBLE DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED ADMIRER, + +SHEWETH,-- + +THAT your Dedicator has perused, with feelings of virtuous indignation, a +work purporting to be 'Sketches of Young Ladies;' written by Quiz, +illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume, square twelvemo. + +THAT after an attentive and vigilant perusal of the said work, your +Dedicator is humbly of opinion that so many libels, upon your Honourable +sex, were never contained in any previously published work, in twelvemo +or any other mo. + +THAT in the title page and preface to the said work, your Honourable sex +are described and classified as animals; and although your Dedicator is +not at present prepared to deny that you _are_ animals, still he humbly +submits that it is not polite to call you so. + +THAT in the aforesaid preface, your Honourable sex are also described as +Troglodites, which, being a hard word, may, for aught your Honourable sex +or your Dedicator can say to the contrary, be an injurious and +disrespectful appellation. + +THAT the author of the said work applied himself to his task in malice +prepense and with wickedness aforethought; a fact which, your Dedicator +contends, is sufficiently demonstrated, by his assuming the name of Quiz, +which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a foregone conclusion, and implies +an intention of quizzing. + +THAT in the execution of his evil design, the said Quiz, or author of the +said work, must have betrayed some trust or confidence reposed in him by +some members of your Honourable sex, otherwise he never could have +acquired so much information relative to the manners and customs of your +Honourable sex in general. + +THAT actuated by these considerations, and further moved by various +slanders and insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained in the +said work, square twelvemo, entitled 'Sketches of Young Ladies,' your +Dedicator ventures to produce another work, square twelvemo, entitled +'Sketches of Young Gentlemen,' of which he now solicits your acceptance +and approval. + +THAT as the Young Ladies are the best companions of the Young Gentlemen, +so the Young Gentlemen should be the best companions of the Young Ladies; +and extending the comparison from animals (to quote the disrespectful +language of the said Quiz) to inanimate objects, your Dedicator humbly +suggests, that such of your Honourable sex as purchased the bane should +possess themselves of the antidote, and that those of your Honourable sex +who were not rash enough to take the first, should lose no time in +swallowing the last,--prevention being in all cases better than cure, as +we are informed upon the authority, not only of general acknowledgment, +but also of traditionary wisdom. + +THAT with reference to the said bane and antidote, your Dedicator has no +further remarks to make, than are comprised in the printed directions +issued with Doctor Morison's pills; namely, that whenever your Honourable +sex take twenty-five of Number, 1, you will be pleased to take fifty of +Number 2, without delay. + + And your Dedicator shall ever pray, &c. + + + +THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +We found ourself seated at a small dinner party the other day, opposite a +stranger of such singular appearance and manner, that he irresistibly +attracted our attention. + +This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a promise of +light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed of a very +velvet-like, soft-looking countenance. We do not use the latter term +invidiously, but merely to denote a pair of smooth, plump, +highly-coloured cheeks of capacious dimensions, and a mouth rather +remarkable for the fresh hue of the lips than for any marked or striking +expression it presented. His whole face was suffused with a crimson +blush, and bore that downcast, timid, retiring look, which betokens a man +ill at ease with himself. + +There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a passing +remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to the bashful young +gentleman, on his first appearance in the drawing-room above-stairs, into +which he was no sooner introduced, than making his way towards us who +were standing in a window, and wholly neglecting several persons who +warmly accosted him, he seized our hand with visible emotion, and pressed +it with a convulsive grasp for a good couple of minutes, after which he +dived in a nervous manner across the room, oversetting in his way a fine +little girl of six years and a quarter old--and shrouding himself behind +some hangings, was seen no more, until the eagle eye of the hostess +detecting him in his concealment, on the announcement of dinner, he was +requested to pair off with a lively single lady, of two or three and +thirty. + +This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would have +gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us in high +respect, and for that reason been desirous of our acquaintance, if we had +not suspected from the first, that the young gentleman, in making a +desperate effort to get through the ceremony of introduction, had, in the +bewilderment of his ideas, shaken hands with us at random. This +impression was fully confirmed by the subsequent behaviour of the bashful +young gentleman in question, which we noted particularly, with the view +of ascertaining whether we were right in our conjecture. + +The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident misgivings, and +turning sharp round to pay attention to some observation of his +loquacious neighbour, overset his bread. There was nothing very bad in +this, and if he had had the presence of mind to let it go, and say +nothing about it, nobody but the man who had laid the cloth would have +been a bit the wiser; but the young gentleman in various semi-successful +attempts to prevent its fall, played with it a little, as gentlemen in +the streets may be seen to do with their hats on a windy day, and then +giving the roll a smart rap in his anxiety to catch it, knocked it with +great adroitness into a tureen of white soup at some distance, to the +unspeakable terror and disturbance of a very amiable bald gentleman, who +was dispensing the contents. We thought the bashful young gentleman +would have gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon the violent +rush of blood to his face at the occurrence of this catastrophe. + +From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the fancy, that it +was 'all up' with the bashful young gentleman, and so indeed it was. +Several benevolent persons endeavoured to relieve his embarrassment by +taking wine with him, but finding that it only augmented his sufferings, +and that after mingling sherry, champagne, hock, and moselle together, he +applied the greater part of the mixture externally, instead of +internally, they gradually dropped off, and left him to the exclusive +care of the talkative lady, who, not noting the wildness of his eye, +firmly believed she had secured a listener. He broke a glass or two in +the course of the meal, and disappeared shortly afterwards; it is +inferred that he went away in some confusion, inasmuch as he left the +house in another gentleman's coat, and the footman's hat. + +This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent +characteristics of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and as this +portable volume will be the great text-book of young ladies in all future +generations, we record them here for their guidance and behoof. + +If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, chance to +stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his acquaintance, +nothing can exceed his confusion and agitation. His first impulse is to +make a great variety of bows, and dart past them, which he does until, +observing that they wish to stop, but are uncertain whether to do so or +not, he makes several feints of returning, which causes them to do the +same; and at length, after a great quantity of unnecessary dodging and +falling up against the other passengers, he returns and shakes hands most +affectionately with all of them, in doing which he knocks out of their +grasp sundry little parcels, which he hastily picks up, and returns very +muddy and disordered. The chances are that the bashful young gentleman +then observes it is very fine weather, and being reminded that it has +only just left off raining for the first time these three days, he +blushes very much, and smiles as if he had said a very good thing. The +young lady who was most anxious to speak, here inquires, with an air of +great commiseration, how his dear sister Harriet is to-day; to which the +young gentleman, without the slightest consideration, replies with many +thanks, that she is remarkably well. 'Well, Mr. Hopkins!' cries the +young lady, 'why, we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and have been +perfectly miserable about her.' 'Oh, ah,' says the young gentleman, 'so +she was. Oh, she's very ill, very ill indeed.' The young gentleman then +shakes his head, and looks very desponding (he has been smiling +perpetually up to this time), and after a short pause, gives his glove a +great wrench at the wrist, and says, with a strong emphasis on the +adjective, '_Good_ morning, _good_ morning.' And making a great number +of bows in acknowledgment of several little messages to his sister, walks +backward a few paces, and comes with great violence against a lamp-post, +knocking his hat off in the contact, which in his mental confusion and +bodily pain he is going to walk away without, until a great roar from a +carter attracts his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile +cheerfully to the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he has the +satisfaction of seeing, are all laughing heartily. + +At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always remains as near +the entrance of the room as possible, from which position he smiles at +the people he knows as they come in, and sometimes steps forward to shake +hands with more intimate friends: a process which on each repetition +seems to turn him a deeper scarlet than before. He declines dancing the +first set or two, observing, in a faint voice, that he would rather wait +a little; but at length is absolutely compelled to allow himself to be +introduced to a partner, when he is led, in a great heat and blushing +furiously, across the room to a spot where half-a-dozen unknown ladies +are congregated together. + +'Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next quadrille.' +Miss Lambert inclines her head graciously. Mr. Hopkins bows, and his +fair conductress disappears, leaving Mr. Hopkins, as he too well knows, +to make himself agreeable. The young lady more than half expects that +the bashful young gentleman will say something, and the bashful young +gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks whether he has got anything to +say, which, upon mature reflection, he is rather disposed to conclude he +has not, since nothing occurs to him. Meanwhile, the young lady, after +several inspections of her _bouquet_, all made in the expectation that +the bashful young gentleman is going to talk, whispers her mamma, who is +sitting next her, which whisper the bashful young gentleman immediately +suspects (and possibly with very good reason) must be about _him_. In +this comfortable condition he remains until it is time to 'stand up,' +when murmuring a 'Will you allow me?' he gives the young lady his arm, +and after inquiring where she will stand, and receiving a reply that she +has no choice, conducts her to the remotest corner of the quadrille, and +making one attempt at conversation, which turns out a desperate failure, +preserves a profound silence until it is all over, when he walks her +twice round the room, deposits her in her old seat, and retires in +confusion. + +A married bashful gentleman--for these bashful gentlemen do get married +sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a mystery to us--a married +bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear bold by contrast, or +merges her proper importance in his own insignificance. Bashful young +gentlemen should be cured, or avoided. They are never hopeless, and +never will be, while female beauty and attractions retain their +influence, as any young lady will find, who may think it worth while on +this confident assurance to take a patient in hand. + + + +THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +Out-and-out young gentlemen may be divided into two classes--those who +have something to do, and those who have nothing. I shall commence with +the former, because that species come more frequently under the notice of +young ladies, whom it is our province to warn and to instruct. + +The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, his +instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one general +direction to 'make that what's-a-name a regular bang-up sort of thing.' +For some years past, the favourite costume of the out-and-out young +gentleman has been a rough pilot coat, with two gilt hooks and eyes to +the velvet collar; buttons somewhat larger than crown-pieces; a black or +fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a wide-brimmed hat, with a low crown; +tightish inexpressibles, and iron-shod boots. Out of doors he sometimes +carries a large ash stick, but only on special occasions, for he prefers +keeping his hands in his coat pockets. He smokes at all hours, of +course, and swears considerably. + +The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city counting-house or +solicitor's office, in which he does as little as he possibly can: his +chief places of resort are, the streets, the taverns, and the theatres. +In the streets at evening time, out-and-out young gentlemen have a +pleasant custom of walking six or eight abreast, thus driving females and +other inoffensive persons into the road, which never fails to afford them +the highest satisfaction, especially if there be any immediate danger of +their being run over, which enhances the fun of the thing materially. In +all places of public resort, the out-and-outers are careful to select +each a seat to himself, upon which he lies at full length, and (if the +weather be very dirty, but not in any other case) he lies with his knees +up, and the soles of his boots planted firmly on the cushion, so that if +any low fellow should ask him to make room for a lady, he takes ample +revenge upon her dress, without going at all out of his way to do it. He +always sits with his hat on, and flourishes his stick in the air while +the play is proceeding, with a dignified contempt of the performance; if +it be possible for one or two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a +little crowding in the passages, they are quite in their element, +squeezing, pushing, whooping, and shouting in the most humorous manner +possible. If they can only succeed in irritating the gentleman who has a +family of daughters under his charge, they are like to die with laughing, +and boast of it among their companions for a week afterwards, adding, +that one or two of them were 'devilish fine girls,' and that they really +thought the youngest would have fainted, which was the only thing wanted +to render the joke complete. + +If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, of course +he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they (poor things!) +having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too weak-spirited and moping +for him. Sometimes, however, on a birth-day or at Christmas-time, he +cannot very well help accompanying them to a party at some old friend's, +with which view he comes home when they have been dressed an hour or two, +smelling very strongly of tobacco and spirits, and after exchanging his +rough coat for some more suitable attire (in which however he loses +nothing of the out-and-outer), gets into the coach and grumbles all the +way at his own good nature: his bitter reflections aggravated by the +recollection, that Tom Smith has taken the chair at a little impromptu +dinner at a fighting man's, and that a set-to was to take place on a +dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother-in-law, which is +probably 'coming off' at that very instant. + +As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease in ladies' +society, he shrinks into a corner of the drawing-room when they reach the +friend's, and unless one of his sisters is kind enough to talk to him, +remains there without being much troubled by the attentions of other +people, until he espies, lingering outside the door, another gentleman, +whom he at once knows, by his air and manner (for there is a kind of +free-masonry in the craft), to be a brother out-and-outer, and towards +whom he accordingly makes his way. Conversation being soon opened by +some casual remark, the second out-and-outer confidentially informs the +first, that he is one of the rough sort and hates that kind of thing, +only he couldn't very well be off coming; to which the other replies, +that that's just his case--'and I'll tell you what,' continues the +out-and-outer in a whisper, 'I should like a glass of warm brandy and +water just now,'--'Or a pint of stout and a pipe,' suggests the other +out-and-outer. + +The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls; each of +them says at the same moment, that he sees the other understands what's +what: and they become fast friends at once, more especially when it +appears, that the second out-and-outer is no other than a gentleman, long +favourably known to his familiars as 'Mr. Warmint Blake,' who upon divers +occasions has distinguished himself in a manner that would not have +disgraced the fighting man, and who--having been a pretty long time about +town--had the honour of once shaking hands with the celebrated Mr. +Thurtell himself. + +At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves, brightening up +very much when the ladies leave the table, and proclaiming aloud their +intention of beginning to spend the evening--a process which is generally +understood to be satisfactorily performed, when a great deal of wine is +drunk and a great deal of noise made, both of which feats the out-and-out +young gentlemen execute to perfection. Having protracted their sitting +until long after the host and the other guests have adjourned to the +drawing-room, and finding that they have drained the decanters empty, +they follow them thither with complexions rather heightened, and faces +rather bloated with wine; and the agitated lady of the house whispers her +friends as they waltz together, to the great terror of the whole room, +that 'both Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins are very nice sort of young men in +their way, only they are eccentric persons, and unfortunately _rather too +wild_!' + +The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed of +persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above earning any, +enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how. These respectable gentlemen, +without aiming quite so much at the out-and-out in external appearance, +are distinguished by all the same amiable and attractive characteristics, +in an equal or perhaps greater degree, and now and then find their way +into society, through the medium of the other class of out-and-out young +gentlemen, who will sometimes carry them home, and who usually pay their +tavern bills. As they are equally gentlemanly, clever, witty, +intelligent, wise, and well-bred, we need scarcely have recommended them +to the peculiar consideration of the young ladies, if it were not that +some of the gentle creatures whom we hold in such high respect, are +perhaps a little too apt to confound a great many heavier terms with the +light word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth to take in a +strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude of +construction. + + + +THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +We know--and all people know--so many specimens of this class, that in +selecting the few heads our limits enable us to take from a great number, +we have been induced to give the very friendly young gentleman the +preference over many others, to whose claims upon a more cursory view of +the question we had felt disposed to assign the priority. + +The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to everybody, but he +attaches himself particularly to two, or at most to three families: +regulating his choice by their dinners, their circle of acquaintance, or +some other criterion in which he has an immediate interest. He is of any +age between twenty and forty, unmarried of course, must be fond of +children, and is expected to make himself generally useful if possible. +Let us illustrate our meaning by an example, which is the shortest mode +and the clearest. + +We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we had lost +sight for some years, and who--expressing a strong anxiety to renew our +former intimacy--urged us to dine with him on an early day, that we might +talk over old times. We readily assented, adding, that we hoped we +should be alone. 'Oh, certainly, certainly,' said our friend, 'not a +soul with us but Mincin.' 'And who is Mincin?' was our natural inquiry. +'O don't mind him,' replied our friend, 'he's a most particular friend of +mine, and a very friendly fellow you will find him;' and so he left us. + +'We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented ourselves at the +house next day, when, after a hearty welcome, our friend motioned towards +a gentleman who had been previously showing his teeth by the fireplace, +and gave us to understand that it was Mr. Mincin, of whom he had spoken. +It required no great penetration on our part to discover at once that Mr. +Mincin was in every respect a very friendly young gentleman. + +'I am delighted,' said Mincin, hastily advancing, and pressing our hand +warmly between both of his, 'I am delighted, I am sure, to make your +acquaintance--(here he smiled)--very much delighted indeed--(here he +exhibited a little emotion)--I assure you that I have looked forward to +it anxiously for a very long time:' here he released our hands, and +rubbing his own, observed, that the day was severe, but that he was +delighted to perceive from our appearance that it agreed with us +wonderfully; and then went on to observe, that, notwithstanding the +coldness of the weather, he had that morning seen in the paper an +exceedingly curious paragraph, to the effect, that there was now in the +garden of Mr. Wilkins of Chichester, a pumpkin, measuring four feet in +height, and eleven feet seven inches in circumference, which he looked +upon as a very extraordinary piece of intelligence. We ventured to +remark, that we had a dim recollection of having once or twice before +observed a similar paragraph in the public prints, upon which Mr. Mincin +took us confidentially by the button, and said, Exactly, exactly, to be +sure, we were very right, and he wondered what the editors meant by +putting in such things. Who the deuce, he should like to know, did they +suppose cared about them? that struck him as being the best of it. + +The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr. Mincin's +friendliness, as will readily be supposed, suffered no diminution in +consequence; he exerted much strength and skill in wheeling a large +easy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated in it, carefully +closed the door, stirred the fire, and looked to the windows to see that +they admitted no air; having satisfied himself upon all these points, he +expressed himself quite easy in his mind, and begged to know how she +found herself to-day. Upon the lady's replying very well, Mr. Mincin +(who it appeared was a medical gentleman) offered some general remarks +upon the nature and treatment of colds in the head, which occupied us +agreeably until dinner-time. During the meal, he devoted himself to +complimenting everybody, not forgetting himself, so that we were an +uncommonly agreeable quartette. + +'I'll tell you what, Capper,' said Mr. Mincin to our host, as he closed +the room door after the lady had retired, 'you have very great reason to +be fond of your wife. Sweet woman, Mrs. Capper, sir!' 'Nay, Mincin--I +beg,' interposed the host, as we were about to reply that Mrs. Capper +unquestionably was particularly sweet. 'Pray, Mincin, don't.' 'Why +not?' exclaimed Mr. Mincin, 'why not? Why should you feel any delicacy +before your old friend--_our_ old friend, if I may be allowed to call you +so, sir; why should you, I ask?' We of course wished to know why he +should also, upon which our friend admitted that Mrs. Capper _was_ a very +sweet woman, at which admission Mr. Mincin cried 'Bravo!' and begged to +propose Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm, whereupon our host said, +'Thank you, Mincin,' with deep feeling; and gave us, in a low voice, to +understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper's cousin's life no less +than fourteen times in a year and a half, which he considered no common +circumstance--an opinion to which we most cordially subscribed. + +Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with conversation, Mr. +Mincin's extreme friendliness became every moment more apparent; he was +so amazingly friendly, indeed, that it was impossible to talk about +anything in which he had not the chief concern. We happened to allude to +some affairs in which our friend and we had been mutually engaged nearly +fourteen years before, when Mr. Mincin was all at once reminded of a joke +which our friend had made on that day four years, which he positively +must insist upon telling--and which he did tell accordingly, with many +pleasant recollections of what he said, and what Mrs. Capper said, and +how he well remembered that they had been to the play with orders on the +very night previous, and had seen Romeo and Juliet, and the pantomime, +and how Mrs. Capper being faint had been led into the lobby, where she +smiled, said it was nothing after all, and went back again, with many +other interesting and absorbing particulars: after which the friendly +young gentleman went on to assure us, that our friend had experienced a +marvellously prophetic opinion of that same pantomime, which was of such +an admirable kind, that two morning papers took the same view next day: +to this our friend replied, with a little triumph, that in that instance +he had some reason to think he had been correct, which gave the friendly +young gentleman occasion to believe that our friend was always correct; +and so we went on, until our friend, filling a bumper, said he must drink +one glass to his dear friend Mincin, than whom he would say no man saved +the lives of his acquaintances more, or had a more friendly heart. +Finally, our friend having emptied his glass, said, 'God bless you, +Mincin,'--and Mr. Mincin and he shook hands across the table with much +affection and earnestness. + +But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited scene like +this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with increased _eclat_. +Mr. Mincin is invited to an evening party with his dear friends the +Martins, where he meets his dear friends the Cappers, and his dear +friends the Watsons, and a hundred other dear friends too numerous to +mention. He is as much at home with the Martins as with the Cappers; but +how exquisitely he balances his attentions, and divides them among his +dear friends! If he flirts with one of the Miss Watsons, he has one +little Martin on the sofa pulling his hair, and the other little Martin +on the carpet riding on his foot. He carries Mrs. Watson down to supper +on one arm, and Miss Martin on the other, and takes wine so judiciously, +and in such exact order, that it is impossible for the most punctilious +old lady to consider herself neglected. If any young lady, being +prevailed upon to sing, become nervous afterwards, Mr. Mincin leads her +tenderly into the next room, and restores her with port wine, which she +must take medicinally. If any gentleman be standing by the piano during +the progress of the ballad, Mr. Mincin seizes him by the arm at one point +of the melody, and softly beating time the while with his head, expresses +in dumb show his intense perception of the delicacy of the passage. If +anybody's self-love is to be flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand. If +anybody's overweening vanity is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit +it. What wonder that people of all stations and ages recognise Mr. +Mincin's friendliness; that he is universally allowed to be handsome as +amiable; that mothers think him an oracle, daughters a dear, brothers a +beau, and fathers a wonder! And who would not have the reputation of the +very friendly young gentleman? + + + +THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +We are rather at a loss to imagine how it has come to pass that military +young gentlemen have obtained so much favour in the eyes of the young +ladies of this kingdom. We cannot think so lightly of them as to suppose +that the mere circumstance of a man's wearing a red coat ensures him a +ready passport to their regard; and even if this were the case, it would +be no satisfactory explanation of the circumstance, because, although the +analogy may in some degree hold good in the case of mail coachmen and +guards, still general postmen wear red coats, and _they_ are not to our +knowledge better received than other men; nor are firemen either, who +wear (or used to wear) not only red coats, but very resplendent and +massive badges besides--much larger than epaulettes. Neither do the +twopenny post-office boys, if the result of our inquiries be correct, +find any peculiar favour in woman's eyes, although they wear very bright +red jackets, and have the additional advantage of constantly appearing in +public on horseback, which last circumstance may be naturally supposed to +be greatly in their favour. + +We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its rise in the +conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and other gentlemen in +red coats on the stage, where they are invariably represented as fine +swaggering fellows, talking of nothing but charming girls, their king and +country, their honour, and their debts, and crowing over the inferior +classes of the community, whom they occasionally treat with a little +gentlemanly swindling, no less to the improvement and pleasure of the +audience, than to the satisfaction and approval of the choice spirits who +consort with them. But we will not devote these pages to our +speculations upon the subject, inasmuch as our business at the present +moment is not so much with the young ladies who are bewitched by her +Majesty's livery as with the young gentlemen whose heads are turned by +it. For 'heads' we had written 'brains;' but upon consideration, we +think the former the more appropriate word of the two. + +These young gentlemen may be divided into two classes--young gentlemen +who are actually in the army, and young gentlemen who, having an intense +and enthusiastic admiration for all things appertaining to a military +life, are compelled by adverse fortune or adverse relations to wear out +their existence in some ignoble counting-house. We will take this latter +description of military young gentlemen first. + +The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are concentrated +in his favourite topic. There is nothing that he is so learned upon as +uniforms; he will tell you, without faltering for an instant, what the +habiliments of any one regiment are turned up with, what regiment wear +stripes down the outside and inside of the leg, and how many buttons the +Tenth had on their coats; he knows to a fraction how many yards and odd +inches of gold lace it takes to make an ensign in the Guards; is deeply +read in the comparative merits of different bands, and the apparelling of +trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in descanting upon 'crack +regiments,' and the 'crack' gentlemen who compose them, of whose +mightiness and grandeur he is never tired of telling. + +We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the other day, +after he had related to us several dazzling instances of the profusion of +half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or nobodies in the articles of +kid gloves and polished boots, that possibly 'cracked' regiments would be +an improvement upon 'crack,' as being a more expressive and appropriate +designation, when he suddenly interrupted us by pulling out his watch, +and observing that he must hurry off to the Park in a cab, or he would be +too late to hear the band play. Not wishing to interfere with so +important an engagement, and being in fact already slightly overwhelmed +by the anecdotes of the honourable ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no +attempt to detain the military young gentleman, but parted company with +ready good-will. + +Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking down +Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we drew near to one +of the little stone places in which a couple of horse soldiers mount +guard in the daytime, we were attracted by the motionless appearance and +eager gaze of a young gentleman, who was devouring both man and horse +with his eyes, so eagerly, that he seemed deaf and blind to all that was +passing around him. We were not much surprised at the discovery that it +was our friend, the military young gentleman, but we _were_ a little +astonished when we returned from a walk to South Lambeth to find him +still there, looking on with the same intensity as before. As it was a +very windy day, we felt bound to awaken the young gentleman from his +reverie, when he inquired of us with great enthusiasm, whether 'that was +not a glorious spectacle,' and proceeded to give us a detailed account of +the weight of every article of the spectacle's trappings, from the man's +gloves to the horse's shoes. + +We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in our daily +walk, and we find it is the custom of military young gentlemen to plant +themselves opposite the sentries, and contemplate them at leisure, in +periods varying from fifteen minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five. +We were much struck a day or two since, by the behaviour of a very +promising young butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which +cannot be too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a prolonged +inspection of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with great +curiosity, and as much composure and indifference as if the man were +wax-work. + +But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this time, and at +the very moment that an apology rises to our lips, he emerges from the +barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison town), and takes the way +towards the high street. He wears his undress uniform, which somewhat +mars the glory of his outward man; but still how great, how grand, he is! +What a happy mixture of ease and ferocity in his gait and carriage, and +how lightly he carries that dreadful sword under his arm, making no more +ado about it than if it were a silk umbrella! The lion is sleeping: only +think if an enemy were in sight, how soon he'd whip it out of the +scabbard, and what a terrible fellow he would be! + +But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and slaughter; and +now he comes in sight of three other military young gentlemen, +arm-in-arm, who are bearing down towards him, clanking their iron heels +on the pavement, and clashing their swords with a noise, which should +cause all peaceful men to quail at heart. They stop to talk. See how +the flaxen-haired young gentleman with the weak legs--he who has his +pocket-handkerchief thrust into the breast of his coat-glares upon the +fainthearted civilians who linger to look upon his glory; how the next +young gentleman elevates his head in the air, and majestically places his +arms a-kimbo, while the third stands with his legs very wide apart, and +clasps his hands behind him. Well may we inquire--not in familiar jest, +but in respectful earnest--if you call that nothing. Oh! if some +encroaching foreign power--the Emperor of Russia, for instance, or any of +those deep fellows, could only see those military young gentlemen as they +move on together towards the billiard-room over the way, wouldn't he +tremble a little! + +And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are by command +of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the garrison--what a splendid +sight it is! How sternly the defenders of their country look round the +house as if in mute assurance to the audience, that they may make +themselves comfortable regarding any foreign invasion, for they (the +military young gentlemen) are keeping a sharp look-out, and are ready for +anything. And what a contrast between them, and that stage-box full of +grey-headed officers with tokens of many battles about them, who have +nothing at all in common with the military young gentlemen, and who--but +for an old-fashioned kind of manly dignity in their looks and +bearing--might be common hard-working soldiers for anything they take the +pains to announce to the contrary! + +Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the flaxen-headed young +gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman recognises them too, +only he doesn't care to show it just now. Very well done indeed! He +talks louder to the little group of military young gentlemen who are +standing by him, and coughs to induce some ladies in the next box but one +to look round, in order that their faces may undergo the same ordeal of +criticism to which they have subjected, in not a wholly inaudible tone, +the majority of the female portion of the audience. Oh! a gentleman in +the same box looks round as if he were disposed to resent this as an +impertinence; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman sees his friends at +once, and hurries away to them with the most charming cordiality. + +Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party, receive +the military young gentleman with great warmth and politeness, and in +five minutes afterwards the military young gentleman, stimulated by the +mamma, introduces the two other military young gentlemen with whom he was +walking in the morning, who take their seats behind the young ladies and +commence conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant bow upon a +rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military young +gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment three +of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the whole world. + + + +THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +Once upon a time--_not_ in the days when pigs drank wine, but in a more +recent period of our history--it was customary to banish politics when +ladies were present. If this usage still prevailed, we should have had +no chapter for political young gentlemen, for ladies would have neither +known nor cared what kind of monster a political young gentleman was. +But as this good custom in common with many others has 'gone out,' and +left no word when it is likely to be home again; as political young +ladies are by no means rare, and political young gentlemen the very +reverse of scarce, we are bound in the strict discharge of our most +responsible duty not to neglect this natural division of our subject. + +If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town (and there +_are_ political young gentlemen in country towns sometimes), he is wholly +absorbed in his politics; as a pair of purple spectacles communicate the +same uniform tint to all objects near and remote, so the political +glasses, with which the young gentleman assists his mental vision, give +to everything the hue and tinge of party feeling. The political young +gentleman would as soon think of being struck with the beauty of a young +lady in the opposite interest, as he would dream of marrying his sister +to the opposite member. + +If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has usually some +vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he cannot very clearly +explain, but which he knows are the right sort of thing, and not to be +very easily got over by the other side. He has also some choice +sentences regarding church and state, culled from the banners in use at +the last election, with which he intersperses his conversation at +intervals with surprising effect. But his great topic is the +constitution, upon which he will declaim, by the hour together, with much +heat and fury; not that he has any particular information on the subject, +but because he knows that the constitution is somehow church and state, +and church and state somehow the constitution, and that the fellows on +the other side say it isn't, which is quite a sufficient reason for him +to say it is, and to stick to it. + +Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the people. If a fight +takes place in a populous town, in which many noses are broken, and a few +windows, the young gentleman throws down the newspaper with a triumphant +air, and exclaims, 'Here's your precious people!' If half-a-dozen boys +run across the course at race time, when it ought to be kept clear, the +young gentleman looks indignantly round, and begs you to observe the +conduct of the people; if the gallery demand a hornpipe between the play +and the afterpiece, the same young gentleman cries 'No' and 'Shame' till +he is hoarse, and then inquires with a sneer what you think of popular +moderation _now_; in short, the people form a never-failing theme for +him; and when the attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells upon it +with great power of eloquence at election time, as he never fails to do, +the young gentleman and his friends, and the body they head, cheer with +great violence against _the other people_, with whom, of course, they +have no possible connexion. In much the same manner the audience at a +theatre never fail to be highly amused with any jokes at the expense of +the public--always laughing heartily at some other public, and never at +themselves. + +If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a very +profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical questions to +put to you, with an infinite variety of possible cases and logical +deductions therefrom. If he be of the utilitarian school, too, which is +more than probable, he is particularly pleasant company, having many +ingenious remarks to offer upon the voluntary principle and various +cheerful disquisitions connected with the population of the country, the +position of Great Britain in the scale of nations, and the balance of +power. Then he is exceedingly well versed in all doctrines of political +economy as laid down in the newspapers, and knows a great many +parliamentary speeches by heart; nay, he has a small stock of aphorisms, +none of them exceeding a couple of lines in length, which will settle the +toughest question and leave you nothing to say. He gives all the young +ladies to understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest woman that ever +lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr. Hawkins the new member, +says he's very well for a representative, all things considered, but he +wants a little calling to account, and he is more than half afraid it +will be necessary to bring him down on his knees for that vote on the +miscellaneous estimates. At this, the young ladies express much +wonderment, and say surely a Member of Parliament is not to be brought +upon his knees so easily; in reply to which the political young gentleman +smiles sternly, and throws out dark hints regarding the speedy arrival of +that day, when Members of Parliament will be paid salaries, and required +to render weekly accounts of their proceedings, at which the young ladies +utter many expressions of astonishment and incredulity, while their +lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little else than blasphemous. + +It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two political young +gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some great question across a +dinner-table; such as, whether, if the public were admitted to +Westminster Abbey for nothing, they would or would not convey small +chisels and hammers in their pockets, and immediately set about chipping +all the noses off the statues; or whether, if they once got into the +Tower for a shilling, they would not insist upon trying the crown on +their own heads, and loading and firing off all the small arms in the +armoury, to the great discomposure of Whitechapel and the Minories. Upon +these, and many other momentous questions which agitate the public mind +in these desperate days, they will discourse with great vehemence and +irritation for a considerable time together, both leaving off precisely +where they began, and each thoroughly persuaded that he has got the +better of the other. + +In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these political young +gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a political allusion, or +anything which can be tortured or construed into being one; when, +thrusting themselves into the very smallest openings for their favourite +discourse, they fall upon the unhappy company tooth and nail. They have +recently had many favourable opportunities of opening in churches, but as +there the clergyman has it all his own way, and must not be contradicted, +whatever politics he preaches, they are fain to hold their tongues until +they reach the outer door, though at the imminent risk of bursting in the +effort. + +As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative parties +concerned, we hope they will henceforth take the hint and discontinue +them, otherwise we now give them warning, that the ladies have our advice +to discountenance such talkers altogether. + + + +THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +Let us make a slight sketch of our amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon. We +are strongly disposed to think, that if we put him in this place, he will +answer our purpose without another word of comment. + +Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his mother, just +within the twopenny-post office circle of three miles from St. +Martin-le-Grand. He wears Indiarubber goloshes when the weather is at +all damp, and always has a silk handkerchief neatly folded up in the +right-hand pocket of his great-coat, to tie over his mouth when he goes +home at night; moreover, being rather near-sighted, he carries spectacles +for particular occasions, and has a weakish tremulous voice, of which he +makes great use, for he talks as much as any old lady breathing. + +The two chief subjects of Felix's discourse, are himself and his mother, +both of whom would appear to be very wonderful and interesting persons. +As Felix and his mother are seldom apart in body, so Felix and his mother +are scarcely ever separate in spirit. If you ask Felix how he finds +himself to-day, he prefaces his reply with a long and minute bulletin of +his mother's state of health; and the good lady in her turn, edifies her +acquaintance with a circumstantial and alarming account, how he sneezed +four times and coughed once after being out in the rain the other night, +but having his feet promptly put into hot water, and his head into a +flannel-something, which we will not describe more particularly than by +this delicate allusion, was happily brought round by the next morning, +and enabled to go to business as usual. + +Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but he has +passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify: there is one +great story in particular, concerning a hackney coachman who wanted to +overcharge him one night for bringing them home from the play, upon which +Felix gave the aforesaid coachman a look which his mother thought would +have crushed him to the earth, but which did not crush him quite, for he +continued to demand another sixpence, notwithstanding that Felix took out +his pocket-book, and, with the aid of a flat candle, pointed out the fare +in print, which the coachman obstinately disregarding, he shut the +street-door with a slam which his mother shudders to think of; and then, +roused to the most appalling pitch of passion by the coachman knocking a +double knock to show that he was by no means convinced, he broke with +uncontrollable force from his parent and the servant girl, and running +into the street without his hat, actually shook his fist at the coachman, +and came back again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon says, looking about +her for a simile, as white as that ceiling. She never will forget his +fury that night, Never! + +To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally looking at +you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has made an end of it, +adds that he looked at every coachman he met for three weeks afterwards, +in hopes that he might see the scoundrel; whereupon Mrs. Nixon, with an +exclamation of terror, requests to know what he would have done to him if +he _had_ seen him, at which Felix smiling darkly and clenching his right +fist, she exclaims, 'Goodness gracious!' with a distracted air, and +insists upon extorting a promise that he never will on any account do +anything so rash, which her dutiful son--it being something more than +three years since the offence was committed--reluctantly concedes, and +his mother, shaking her head prophetically, fears with a sigh that his +spirit will lead him into something violent yet. The discourse then, by +an easy transition, turns upon the spirit which glows within the bosom of +Felix, upon which point Felix himself becomes eloquent, and relates a +thrilling anecdote of the time when he used to sit up till two o'clock in +the morning reading French, and how his mother used to say, 'Felix, you +will make yourself ill, I know you will;' and how _he_ used to say, +'Mother, I don't care--I will do it;' and how at last his mother +privately procured a doctor to come and see him, who declared, the moment +he felt his pulse, that if he had gone on reading one night more--only +one night more--he must have put a blister on each temple, and another +between his shoulders; and who, as it was, sat down upon the instant, and +writing a prescription for a blue pill, said it must be taken +immediately, or he wouldn't answer for the consequences. The recital of +these and many other moving perils of the like nature, constantly harrows +up the feelings of Mr. Nixon's friends. + +Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female acquaintance, being +a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little body, and to the unmarried +girls among them she is constantly vaunting the virtues of her son, +hinting that she will be a very happy person who wins him, but that they +must mind their P's and Q's, for he is very particular, and terribly +severe upon young ladies. At this last caution the young ladies resident +in the same row, who happen to be spending the evening there, put their +pocket-handkerchiefs before their mouths, and are troubled with a short +cough; just then Felix knocks at the door, and his mother drawing the +tea-table nearer the fire, calls out to him as he takes off his boots in +the back parlour that he needn't mind coming in in his slippers, for +there are only the two Miss Greys and Miss Thompson, and she is quite +sure they will excuse _him_, and nodding to the two Miss Greys, she adds, +in a whisper, that Julia Thompson is a great favourite with Felix, at +which intelligence the short cough comes again, and Miss Thompson in +particular is greatly troubled with it, till Felix coming in, very faint +for want of his tea, changes the subject of discourse, and enables her to +laugh out boldly and tell Amelia Grey not to be so foolish. Here they +all three laugh, and Mrs. Nixon says they are giddy girls; in which stage +of the proceedings, Felix, who has by this time refreshened himself with +the grateful herb that 'cheers but not inebriates,' removes his cup from +his countenance and says with a knowing smile, that all girls are; +whereat his admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells him not to be +sly, which calls forth a general laugh from the young ladies, and another +smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly indeed, is perfectly +satisfied. + +Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix insists +upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it on a card. +This process having been performed to the satisfaction of all parties, he +brings down his flute in compliance with a request from the youngest Miss +Grey, and plays divers tunes out of a very small music-book till +supper-time, when he is very facetious and talkative indeed. Finally, +after half a tumblerful of warm sherry and water, he gallantly puts on +his goloshes over his slippers, and telling Miss Thompson's servant to +run on first and get the door open, escorts that young lady to her house, +five doors off: the Miss Greys who live in the next house but one +stopping to peep with merry faces from their own door till he comes back +again, when they call out 'Very well, Mr. Felix,' and trip into the +passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that was ever played. + +Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little priggish +about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all their peculiar +corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed all his female +acquaintance (and they are good judges) have long ago set him down as a +thorough old bachelor. He is a favourite with them however, in a certain +way, as an honest, inoffensive, kind-hearted creature; and as his +peculiarities harm nobody, not even himself, we are induced to hope that +many who are not personally acquainted with him will take our good word +in his behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of his +harmless existence. + + + +THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +There is an amiable kind of young gentleman going about in society, upon +whom, after much experience of him, and considerable turning over of the +subject in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the above appellation. +Young ladies mildly call him a 'sarcastic' young gentleman, or a 'severe' +young gentleman. We, who know better, beg to acquaint them with the +fact, that he is merely a censorious young gentleman, and nothing else. + +The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his familiars of +a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by receiving all +intelligence and expressing all opinions with a dubious sneer, +accompanied with a half smile, expressive of anything you please but +good-humour. This sets people about thinking what on earth the +censorious young gentleman means, and they speedily arrive at the +conclusion that he means something very deep indeed; for they reason in +this way--'This young gentleman looks so very knowing that he must mean +something, and as I am by no means a dull individual, what a very deep +meaning he must have if I can't find it out!' It is extraordinary how +soon a censorious young gentleman may make a reputation in his own small +circle if he bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings +accordingly. + +As young ladies are generally--not curious, but laudably desirous to +acquire information, the censorious young gentleman is much talked about +among them, and many surmises are hazarded regarding him. 'I wonder,' +exclaims the eldest Miss Greenwood, laying down her work to turn up the +lamp, 'I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will ever be married.' 'Bless me, +dear,' cries Miss Marshall, 'what ever made you think of him?' 'Really I +hardly know,' replies Miss Greenwood; 'he is such a very mysterious +person, that I often wonder about him.' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' +replies Miss Marshall, 'and so do I.' Here two other young ladies +profess that they are constantly doing the like, and all present appear +in the same condition except one young lady, who, not scrupling to state +that she considers Mr. Fairfax 'a horror,' draws down all the opposition +of the others, which having been expressed in a great many ejaculatory +passages, such as 'Well, did I ever!'--and 'Lor, Emily, dear!' ma takes +up the subject, and gravely states, that she must say she does not think +Mr. Fairfax by any means a horror, but rather takes him to be a young man +of very great ability; 'and I am quite sure,' adds the worthy lady, 'he +always means a great deal more than he says.' + +The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all people +alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who has been the +subject of conversation! 'Well, it really is curious,' cries ma, 'we +were at that very moment talking about you.' 'You did me great honour,' +replies Mr. Fairfax; 'may I venture to ask what you were saying?' 'Why, +if you must know,' returns the eldest girl, 'we were remarking what a +very mysterious man you are.' 'Ay, ay!' observes Mr. Fairfax, 'Indeed!' +Now Mr. Fairfax says this ay, ay, and indeed, which are slight words +enough in themselves, with so very unfathomable an air, and accompanies +them with such a very equivocal smile, that ma and the young ladies are +more than ever convinced that he means an immensity, and so tell him he +is a very dangerous man, and seems to be always thinking ill of somebody, +which is precisely the sort of character the censorious young gentleman +is most desirous to establish; wherefore he says, 'Oh, dear, no,' in a +tone, obviously intended to mean, 'You have me there,' and which gives +them to understand that they have hit the right nail on the very centre +of its head. + +When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the censorious +young gentleman's behaviour, to the general topics of the day, he +sustains his character to admiration. He considers the new tragedy well +enough for a new tragedy, but Lord bless us--well, no matter; he could +say a great deal on that point, but he would rather not, lest he should +be thought ill-natured, as he knows he would be. 'But is not Mr. +So-and-so's performance truly charming?' inquires a young lady. +'Charming!' replies the censorious young gentleman. 'Oh, dear, yes, +certainly; very charming--oh, very charming indeed.' After this, he +stirs the fire, smiling contemptuously all the while: and a modest young +gentleman, who has been a silent listener, thinks what a great thing it +must be, to have such a critical judgment. Of music, pictures, books, +and poetry, the censorious young gentleman has an equally fine +conception. As to men and women, he can tell all about them at a glance. +'Now let us hear your opinion of young Mrs. Barker,' says some great +believer in the powers of Mr. Fairfax, 'but don't be too severe.' 'I +never am severe,' replies the censorious young gentleman. 'Well, never +mind that now. She is very lady-like, is she not?' 'Lady-like!' repeats +the censorious young gentleman (for he always repeats when he is at a +loss for anything to say). 'Did you observe her manner? Bless my heart +and soul, Mrs. Thompson, did you observe her manner?--that's all I ask.' +'I thought I had done so,' rejoins the poor lady, much perplexed; 'I did +not observe it very closely perhaps.' 'Oh, not very closely,' rejoins +the censorious young gentleman, triumphantly. 'Very good; then _I_ did. +Let us talk no more about her.' The censorious young gentleman purses up +his lips, and nods his head sagely, as he says this; and it is forthwith +whispered about, that Mr. Fairfax (who, though he is a little prejudiced, +must be admitted to be a very excellent judge) has observed something +exceedingly odd in Mrs. Barker's manner. + + + +THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +As one funny young gentleman will serve as a sample of all funny young +Gentlemen we purpose merely to note down the conduct and behaviour of an +individual specimen of this class, whom we happened to meet at an annual +family Christmas party in the course of this very last Christmas that +ever came. + +We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled pleasantly as the +guests talked merrily and the urn steamed cheerily--for, being an +old-fashioned party, there _was_ an urn, and a teapot besides--when there +came a postman's knock at the door, so violent and sudden, that it +startled the whole circle, and actually caused two or three very +interesting and most unaffected young ladies to scream aloud and to +exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and distress, until they had +been several times assured by their respective adorers, that they were in +no danger. We were about to remark that it was surely beyond post-time, +and must have been a runaway knock, when our host, who had hitherto been +paralysed with wonder, sank into a chair in a perfect ecstasy of +laughter, and offered to lay twenty pounds that it was that droll dog +Griggins. He had no sooner said this, than the majority of the company +and all the children of the house burst into a roar of laughter too, as +if some inimitable joke flashed upon them simultaneously, and gave vent +to various exclamations of--To be sure it must be Griggins, and How like +him that was, and What spirits he was always in! with many other +commendatory remarks of the like nature. + +Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely desirous +to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a stout gentleman +with a powdered head, who was sitting with his breeches buckles almost +touching the hob, whispered us he was a wit of the first water, when the +door opened, and Mr. Griggins being announced, presented himself, amidst +another shout of laughter and a loud clapping of hands from the younger +branches. This welcome he acknowledged by sundry contortions of +countenance, imitative of the clown in one of the new pantomimes, which +were so extremely successful, that one stout gentleman rolled upon an +ottoman in a paroxysm of delight, protesting, with many gasps, that if +somebody didn't make that fellow Griggins leave off, he would be the +death of him, he knew. At this the company only laughed more +boisterously than before, and as we always like to accommodate our tone +and spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which we find +ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, 'Oh! capital, capital!' +as loud as any of them. + +When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins received the +welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went through the needful +introductions with much ease and many puns. This ceremony over, he +avowed his intention of sitting in somebody's lap unless the young ladies +made room for him on the sofa, which being done, after a great deal of +tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed himself among them, and likened his +condition to that of love among the roses. At this novel jest we all +roared once more. 'You should consider yourself highly honoured, sir,' +said we. 'Sir,' replied Mr. Griggins, 'you do me proud.' Here everybody +laughed again; and the stout gentleman by the fire whispered in our ear +that Griggins was making a dead set at us. + +The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round game, and +here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy, abstracting other +people's fish, and looking over their hands in the most comical manner. +He made one most excellent joke in snuffing a candle, which was neither +more nor less than setting fire to the hair of a pale young gentleman who +sat next him, and afterwards begging his pardon with considerable humour. +As the young gentleman could not see the joke however, possibly in +consequence of its being on the top of his own head, it did not go off +quite as well as it might have done; indeed, the young gentleman was +heard to murmur some general references to 'impertinence,' and a +'rascal,' and to state the number of his lodgings in an angry tone--a +turn of the conversation which might have been productive of slaughterous +consequences, if a young lady, betrothed to the young gentleman, had not +used her immediate influence to bring about a reconciliation: +emphatically declaring in an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar +edification but audible to the whole table, that if he went on in that +way, she never would think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as +that she must always regard him. At this terrible threat the young +gentleman became calm, and the young lady, overcome by the revulsion of +feeling, instantaneously fainted. + +Mr. Griggins's spirits were slightly depressed for a short period by this +unlooked-for result of such a harmless pleasantry, but being promptly +elevated by the attentions of the host and several glasses of wine, he +soon recovered, and became even more vivacious than before, insomuch that +the stout gentleman previously referred to, assured us that although he +had known him since he was _that_ high (something smaller than a +nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld him in such excellent cue. + +When the round game and several games at blind man's buff which followed +it were all over, and we were going down to supper, the inexhaustible Mr. +Griggins produced a small sprig of mistletoe from his waistcoat pocket, +and commenced a general kissing of the assembled females, which +occasioned great commotion and much excitement. We observed that several +young gentlemen--including the young gentleman with the pale +countenance--were greatly scandalised at this indecorous proceeding, and +talked very big among themselves in corners; and we observed too, that +several young ladies when remonstrated with by the aforesaid young +gentlemen, called each other to witness how they had struggled, and +protested vehemently that it was very rude, and that they were surprised +at Mrs. Brown's allowing it, and that they couldn't bear it, and had no +patience with such impertinence. But such is the gentle and forgiving +nature of woman, that although we looked very narrowly for it, we could +not detect the slightest harshness in the subsequent treatment of Mr. +Griggins. Indeed, upon the whole, it struck us that among the ladies he +seemed rather more popular than before! + +To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would fill such a +tiny volume as this, {429} to the very bottom of the outside cover. How +he drank out of other people's glasses, and ate of other people's bread, +how he frightened into screaming convulsions a little boy who was sitting +up to supper in a high chair, by sinking below the table and suddenly +reappearing with a mask on; how the hostess was really surprised that +anybody could find a pleasure in tormenting children, and how the host +frowned at the hostess, and felt convinced that Mr. Griggins had done it +with the very best intentions; how Mr. Griggins explained, and how +everybody's good-humour was restored but the child's;--to tell these and +a hundred other things ever so briefly, would occupy more of our room and +our readers' patience, than either they or we can conveniently spare. +Therefore we change the subject, merely observing that we have offered no +description of the funny young gentleman's personal appearance, believing +that almost every society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving all +readers to supply the deficiency, according to the particular +circumstances of their particular case. + + + +THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +All gentlemen who love the drama--and there are few gentlemen who are not +attached to the most intellectual and rational of all our amusements--do +not come within this definition. As we have no mean relish for +theatrical entertainments ourself, we are disinterestedly anxious that +this should be perfectly understood. + +The theatrical young gentleman has early and important information on all +theatrical topics. 'Well,' says he, abruptly, when you meet him in the +street, 'here's a pretty to-do. Flimkins has thrown up his part in the +melodrama at the Surrey.'--'And what's to be done?' you inquire with as +much gravity as you can counterfeit. 'Ah, that's the point,' replies the +theatrical young gentleman, looking very serious; 'Boozle declines it; +positively declines it. From all I am told, I should say it was +decidedly in Boozle's line, and that he would be very likely to make a +great hit in it; but he objects on the ground of Flimkins having been put +up in the part first, and says no earthly power shall induce him to take +the character. It's a fine part, too--excellent business, I'm told. He +has to kill six people in the course of the piece, and to fight over a +bridge in red fire, which is as safe a card, you know, as can be. Don't +mention it; but I hear that the last scene, when he is first poisoned, +and then stabbed, by Mrs. Flimkins as Vengedora, will be the greatest +thing that has been done these many years.' With this piece of news, and +laying his finger on his lips as a caution for you not to excite the town +with it, the theatrical young gentleman hurries away. + +The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the different +theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names for them all. Thus +Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane the lane, the Victoria the vic, +and the Olympic the pic. Actresses, too, are always designated by their +surnames only, as Taylor, Nisbett, Faucit, Honey; that talented and +lady-like girl Sheriff, that clever little creature Horton, and so on. +In the same manner he prefixes Christian names when he mentions actors, +as Charley Young, Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul Bedford. When he is +at a loss for a Christian name, the word 'old' applied indiscriminately +answers quite as well: as old Charley Matthews at Vestris's, old Harley, +and old Braham. He has a great knowledge of the private proceedings of +actresses, especially of their getting married, and can tell you in a +breath half-a-dozen who have changed their names without avowing it. +Whenever an alteration of this kind is made in the playbills, he will +remind you that he let you into the secret six months ago. + +The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all that is +connected with the stage department of the different theatres. He would, +at any time, prefer going a street or two out of his way, to omitting to +pass a stage-entrance, into which he always looks with a curious and +searching eye. If he can only identify a popular actor in the street, he +is in a perfect transport of delight; and no sooner meets him, than he +hurries back, and walks a few paces in front of him, so that he can turn +round from time to time, and have a good stare at his features. He looks +upon a theatrical-fund dinner as one of the most enchanting festivities +ever known; and thinks that to be a member of the Garrick Club, and see +so many actors in their plain clothes, must be one of the highest +gratifications the world can bestow. + +The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price visitor at one or +other of the theatres, and has an infinite relish for all pieces which +display the fullest resources of the establishment. He likes to place +implicit reliance upon the play-bills when he goes to see a show-piece, +and works himself up to such a pitch of enthusiasm, as not only to +believe (if the bills say so) that there are three hundred and +seventy-five people on the stage at one time in the last scene, but is +highly indignant with you, unless you believe it also. He considers that +if the stage be opened from the foot-lights to the back wall, in any new +play, the piece is a triumph of dramatic writing, and applauds +accordingly. He has a great notion of trap-doors too; and thinks any +character going down or coming up a trap (no matter whether he be an +angel or a demon--they both do it occasionally) one of the most +interesting feats in the whole range of scenic illusion. + +Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts to +communicate of the private manners and customs of different actors, +which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually communicates to his +partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a supper table. Thus he is +advised, that Mr. Liston always had a footman in gorgeous livery waiting +at the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler, to administer half a +pint or so of spirit to him every time he came off, without which +assistance he must infallibly have fainted. He knows for a fact, that, +after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett is put between two feather +beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is credibly informed, that Mr. +Baker has, for many years, submitted to a course of lukewarm +toast-and-water, to qualify him to sustain his favourite characters. He +looks upon Mr. Fitz Ball as the principal dramatic genius and poet of the +day; but holds that there are great writers extant besides him,--in proof +whereof he refers you to various dramas and melodramas recently produced, +of which he takes in all the sixpenny and three-penny editions as fast as +they appear. + +The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for violence of +emotion and redundancy of action. If a father has to curse a child upon +the stage, he likes to see it done in the thorough-going style, with no +mistake about it: to which end it is essential that the child should +follow the father on her knees, and be knocked violently over on her face +by the old gentleman as he goes into a small cottage, and shuts the door +behind him. He likes to see a blessing invoked upon the young lady, when +the old gentleman repents, with equal earnestness, and accompanied by the +usual conventional forms, which consist of the old gentleman looking +anxiously up into the clouds, as if to see whether it rains, and then +spreading an imaginary tablecloth in the air over the young lady's +head--soft music playing all the while. Upon these, and other points of +a similar kind, the theatrical young gentleman is a great critic indeed. +He is likewise very acute in judging of natural expressions of the +passions, and knows precisely the frown, wink, nod, or leer, which stands +for any one of them, or the means by which it may be converted into any +other: as jealousy, with a good stamp of the right foot, becomes anger; +or wildness, with the hands clasped before the throat, instead of tearing +the wig, is passionate love. If you venture to express a doubt of the +accuracy of any of these portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman +assures you, with a haughty smile, that it always has been done in that +way, and he supposes they are not going to change it at this time of day +to please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply that you suppose +not. + +There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which the +theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to ladies whom he +is most in the habit of entertaining with them; but as we have no space +to recapitulate them at greater length, we must rest content with calling +the attention of the young ladies in general to the theatrical young +gentlemen of their own acquaintance. + + + +THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +Time was, and not very long ago either, when a singular epidemic raged +among the young gentlemen, vast numbers of whom, under the influence of +the malady, tore off their neckerchiefs, turned down their shirt collars, +and exhibited themselves in the open streets with bare throats and +dejected countenances, before the eyes of an astonished public. These +were poetical young gentlemen. The custom was gradually found to be +inconvenient, as involving the necessity of too much clean linen and too +large washing bills, and these outward symptoms have consequently passed +away; but we are disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the number of +poetical young gentlemen is considerably on the increase. + +We know a poetical young gentleman--a very poetical young gentleman. We +do not mean to say that he is troubled with the gift of poesy in any +remarkable degree, but his countenance is of a plaintive and melancholy +cast, his manner is abstracted and bespeaks affliction of soul: he seldom +has his hair cut, and often talks about being an outcast and wanting a +kindred spirit; from which, as well as from many general observations in +which he is wont to indulge, concerning mysterious impulses, and +yearnings of the heart, and the supremacy of intellect gilding all +earthly things with the glowing magic of immortal verse, it is clear to +all his friends that he has been stricken poetical. + +The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is lounging on a +sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or sitting bolt upright in a +high-backed chair, staring with very round eyes at the opposite wall. +When he is in one of these positions, his mother, who is a worthy, +affectionate old soul, will give you a nudge to bespeak your attention +without disturbing the abstracted one, and whisper with a shake of the +head, that John's imagination is at some extraordinary work or other, you +may take her word for it. Hereupon John looks more fiercely intent upon +vacancy than before, and suddenly snatching a pencil from his pocket, +puts down three words, and a cross on the back of a card, sighs deeply, +paces once or twice across the room, inflicts a most unmerciful slap upon +his head, and walks moodily up to his dormitory. + +The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar notions of things +too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed with a poetical obliquity of +vision, would suppose to be rather distorted. For instance, when the +sickening murder and mangling of a wretched woman was affording delicious +food wherewithal to gorge the insatiable curiosity of the public, our +friend the poetical young gentleman was in ecstasies--not of disgust, but +admiration. 'Heavens!' cried the poetical young gentleman, 'how grand; +how great!' We ventured deferentially to inquire upon whom these +epithets were bestowed: our humble thoughts oscillating between the +police officer who found the criminal, and the lock-keeper who found the +head. 'Upon whom!' exclaimed the poetical young gentleman in a frenzy of +poetry, 'Upon whom should they be bestowed but upon the murderer!'--and +thereupon it came out, in a fine torrent of eloquence, that the murderer +was a great spirit, a bold creature full of daring and nerve, a man of +dauntless heart and determined courage, and withal a great casuist and +able reasoner, as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical colloquies +with the great and noble of the land. We held our peace, and meekly +signified our indisposition to controvert these opinions--firstly, +because we were no match at quotation for the poetical young gentleman; +and secondly, because we felt it would be of little use our entering into +any disputation, if we were: being perfectly convinced that the +respectable and immoral hero in question is not the first and will not be +the last hanged gentleman upon whom false sympathy or diseased curiosity +will be plentifully expended. + +This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young gentleman. In his +milder and softer moments he occasionally lays down his neckcloth, and +pens stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a Lady's Magazine, or +the 'Poets' Corner' of some country newspaper; or which, in default of +either vent for his genius, adorn the rainbow leaves of a lady's album. +These are generally written upon some such occasions as contemplating the +Bank of England by midnight, or beholding Saint Paul's in a snow-storm; +and when these gloomy objects fail to afford him inspiration, he pours +forth his soul in a touching address to a violet, or a plaintive lament +that he is no longer a child, but has gradually grown up. + +The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from his +favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding school. He +has a great deal to say too about the world, and is much given to +opining, especially if he has taken anything strong to drink, that there +is nothing in it worth living for. He gives you to understand, however, +that for the sake of society, he means to bear his part in the tiresome +play, manfully resisting the gratification of his own strong desire to +make a premature exit; and consoles himself with the reflection, that +immortality has some chosen nook for himself and the other great spirits +whom earth has chafed and wearied. + +When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives, they are all +superlatives. Everything is of the grandest, greatest, noblest, +mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest, obscurest, vilest, and most +pitiful. He knows no medium: for enthusiasm is the soul of poetry; and +who so enthusiastic as a poetical young gentleman? 'Mr. Milkwash,' says +a young lady as she unlocks her album to receive the young gentleman's +original impromptu contribution, 'how very silent you are! I think you +must be in love.' 'Love!' cries the poetical young gentleman, starting +from his seat by the fire and terrifying the cat who scampers off at full +speed, 'Love! that burning, consuming passion; that ardour of the soul, +that fierce glowing of the heart. Love! The withering, blighting +influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted. Love did you say! +Ha! ha! ha!' + +With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh belonging only to +poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre, and sits down, pen in +hand, to throw off a page or two of verse in the biting, semi-atheistical +demoniac style, which, like the poetical young gentleman himself, is full +of sound and fury, signifying nothing. + + + +THE 'THROWING-OFF' YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +There is a certain kind of impostor--a bragging, vaunting, puffing young +gentleman--against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer part of the +creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our labours. And we +are particularly induced to lay especial stress upon this division of our +subject, by a little dialogue we held some short time ago, with an +esteemed young lady of our acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen +of this class of men. We had been urging all the absurdities of his +conduct and conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities he +constantly recounted--to which indeed we had not scrupled to prefix a +certain hard little word of one syllable and three letters--when our fair +friend, unable to maintain the contest any longer, reluctantly cried, +'Well; he certainly has a habit of throwing-off, but then--' What then? +Throw him off yourself, said we. And so she did, but not at our +instance, for other reasons appeared, and it might have been better if +she had done so at first. + +The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father possessed of vast +property in some remote district of Ireland, that we look with some +suspicion upon all young gentlemen who volunteer this description of +themselves. The deceased grandfather of the throwing-off young gentleman +was a man of immense possessions, and untold wealth; the throwing-off +young gentleman remembers, as well as if it were only yesterday, the +deceased baronet's library, with its long rows of scarce and valuable +books in superbly embossed bindings, arranged in cases, reaching from the +lofty ceiling to the oaken floor; and the fine antique chairs and tables, +and the noble old castle of Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid prospect +of hill and dale, and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the fine hunting +stables and the spacious court-yards, 'and--and--everything upon the same +magnificent scale,' says the throwing-off young gentleman, 'princely; +quite princely. Ah!' And he sighs as if mourning over the fallen +fortunes of his noble house. + +The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at walking, +running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is unrivalled; at all games of +chance or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding, driving, or +amateur theatricals, no one can touch him--that is _could_ not, because +he gives you carefully to understand, lest there should be any +opportunity of testing his skill, that he is quite out of practice just +now, and has been for some years. If you mention any beautiful girl of +your common acquaintance in his hearing, the throwing-off young gentleman +starts, smiles, and begs you not to mind him, for it was quite +involuntary: people do say indeed that they were once engaged, but +no--although she is a very fine girl, he was so situated at that time +that he couldn't possibly encourage the--'but it's of no use talking +about it!' he adds, interrupting himself. 'She has got over it now, and +I firmly hope and trust is happy.' With this benevolent aspiration he +nods his head in a mysterious manner, and whistling the first part of +some popular air, thinks perhaps it will be better to change the subject. + +There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off young +gentleman, which is, that he 'happens to be acquainted' with a most +extraordinary variety of people in all parts of the world. Thus in all +disputed questions, when the throwing-off young gentleman has no argument +to bring forward, he invariably happens to be acquainted with some +distant person, intimately connected with the subject, whose testimony +decides the point against you, to the great--may we say it--to the great +admiration of three young ladies out of every four, who consider the +throwing-off young gentleman a very highly-connected young man, and a +most charming person. + +Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in upon a +little family circle of young ladies who are quietly spending the evening +together, and then indeed is he at the very height and summit of his +glory; for it is to be observed that he by no means shines to equal +advantage in the presence of men as in the society of over-credulous +young ladies, which is his proper element. It is delightful to hear the +number of pretty things the throwing-off young gentleman gives utterance +to, during tea, and still more so to observe the ease with which, from +long practice and study, he delicately blends one compliment to a lady +with two for himself. 'Did you ever see a more lovely blue than this +flower, Mr. Caveton?' asks a young lady who, truth to tell, is rather +smitten with the throwing-off young gentleman. 'Never,' he replies, +bending over the object of admiration, 'never but in your eyes.' 'Oh, +Mr. Caveton,' cries the young lady, blushing of course. 'Indeed I speak +the truth,' replies the throwing-off young gentleman, 'I never saw any +approach to them. I used to think my cousin's blue eyes lovely, but they +grow dim and colourless beside yours.' 'Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr. +Caveton!' replies the young lady, with that perfect artlessness which is +the distinguishing characteristic of all young ladies; 'an affair, of +course.' 'No; indeed, indeed you wrong me,' rejoins the throwing-off +young gentleman with great energy. 'I fervently hope that her attachment +towards me may be nothing but the natural result of our close intimacy in +childhood, and that in change of scene and among new faces she may soon +overcome it. _I_ love her! Think not so meanly of me, Miss Lowfield, I +beseech, as to suppose that title, lands, riches, and beauty, can +influence _my_ choice. The heart, the heart, Miss Lowfield.' Here the +throwing-off young gentleman sinks his voice to a still lower whisper; +and the young lady duly proclaims to all the other young ladies when they +go up-stairs, to put their bonnets on, that Mr. Caveton's relations are +all immensely rich, and that he is hopelessly beloved by title, lands, +riches, and beauty. + +We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our certain +knowledge, was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely able to +recognise a tune by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the guitar when he +had previously satisfied himself that there was not such an instrument +within a mile of the house. + +We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after striking a note +or two upon the piano, and accompanying it correctly (by dint of +laborious practice) with his voice, assure a circle of wondering +listeners that so acute was his ear that he was wholly unable to sing out +of tune, let him try as he would. We have lived to witness the unmasking +of another throwing-off young gentleman, who went out a visiting in a +military cap with a gold band and tassel, and who, after passing +successfully for a captain and being lauded to the skies for his red +whiskers, his bravery, his soldierly bearing and his pride, turned out to +be the dishonest son of an honest linen-draper in a small country town, +and whom, if it were not for this fortunate exposure, we should not yet +despair of encountering as the fortunate husband of some rich heiress. +Ladies, ladies, the throwing-off young gentlemen are often swindlers, and +always fools. So pray you avoid them. + + + +THE YOUNG LADIES' YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +This young gentleman has several titles. Some young ladies consider him +'a nice young man,' others 'a fine young man,' others 'quite a lady's +man,' others 'a handsome man,' others 'a remarkably good-looking young +man.' With some young ladies he is 'a perfect angel,' and with others +'quite a love.' He is likewise a charming creature, a duck, and a dear. + +The young ladies' young gentleman has usually a fresh colour and very +white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he displays on every +possible opportunity. He has brown or black hair, and whiskers of the +same, if possible; but a slight tinge of red, or the hue which is +vulgarly known as _sandy_, is not considered an objection. If his head +and face be large, his nose prominent, and his figure square, he is an +uncommonly fine young man, and worshipped accordingly. Should his +whiskers meet beneath his chin, so much the better, though this is not +absolutely insisted on; but he must wear an under-waistcoat, and smile +constantly. + +There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of ours last +summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest. As we hold that such wild +expeditions should never be indulged in, save by people of the smallest +means, who have no dinner at home, we should indubitably have excused +ourself from attending, if we had not recollected that the projectors of +the excursion were always accompanied on such occasions by a choice +sample of the young ladies' young gentleman, whom we were very anxious to +have an opportunity of meeting. This determined us, and we went. + +We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with a trifling +company of six or eight inside, and a little boy belonging to the +projectors on the box--and to start from the residence of the projectors, +Woburn-place, Russell-square, at half-past ten precisely. We arrived at +the place of rendezvous at the appointed time, and found the glass +coaches and the little boys quite ready, and divers young ladies and +young gentlemen looking anxiously over the breakfast-parlour blinds, who +appeared by no means so much gratified by our approach as we might have +expected, but evidently wished we had been somebody else. Observing that +our arrival in lieu of the unknown occasioned some disappointment, we +ventured to inquire who was yet to come, when we found from the hasty +reply of a dozen voices, that it was no other than the young ladies' +young gentleman. + +'I cannot imagine,' said the mamma, 'what has become of Mr. Balim--always +so punctual, always so pleasant and agreeable. I am sure I can-_not_ +think.' As these last words were uttered in that measured, emphatic +manner which painfully announces that the speaker has not quite made up +his or her mind what to say, but is determined to talk on nevertheless, +the eldest daughter took up the subject, and hoped no accident had +happened to Mr. Balim, upon which there was a general chorus of 'Dear Mr. +Balim!' and one young lady, more adventurous than the rest, proposed that +an express should be straightway sent to dear Mr. Balim's lodgings. +This, however, the papa resolutely opposed, observing, in what a short +young lady behind us termed 'quite a bearish way,' that if Mr. Balim +didn't choose to come, he might stop at home. At this all the daughters +raised a murmur of 'Oh pa!' except one sprightly little girl of eight or +ten years old, who, taking advantage of a pause in the discourse, +remarked, that perhaps Mr. Balim might have been married that +morning--for which impertinent suggestion she was summarily ejected from +the room by her eldest sister. + +We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness, when one of +the little boys, running into the room as airily as little boys usually +run who have an unlimited allowance of animal food in the holidays, and +keep their hands constantly forced down to the bottoms of very deep +trouser-pockets when they take exercise, joyfully announced that Mr. +Balim was at that moment coming up the street in a hackney-cab; and the +intelligence was confirmed beyond all doubt a minute afterwards by the +entry of Mr. Balim himself, who was received with repeated cries of +'Where have you been, you naughty creature?' whereunto the naughty +creature replied, that he had been in bed, in consequence of a late party +the night before, and had only just risen. The acknowledgment awakened a +variety of agonizing fears that he had taken no breakfast; which +appearing after a slight cross-examination to be the real state of the +case, breakfast for one was immediately ordered, notwithstanding Mr. +Balim's repeated protestations that he couldn't think of it. He did +think of it though, and thought better of it too, for he made a +remarkably good meal when it came, and was assiduously served by a select +knot of young ladies. It was quite delightful to see how he ate and +drank, while one pair of fair hands poured out his coffee, and another +put in the sugar, and another the milk; the rest of the company ever and +anon casting angry glances at their watches, and the glass coaches,--and +the little boys looking on in an agony of apprehension lest it should +begin to rain before we set out; it might have rained all day, after we +were once too far to turn back again, and welcome, for aught they cared. + +However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being accommodated +with a hamper between his legs something larger than a wheelbarrow; and +the company being packed as closely as they possibly could in the +carriages, 'according,' as one married lady observed, 'to the immemorial +custom, which was half the diversion of gipsy parties.' Thinking it very +likely it might be (we have never been able to discover the other half), +we submitted to be stowed away with a cheerful aspect, and were fortunate +enough to occupy one corner of a coach in which were one old lady, four +young ladies, and the renowned Mr. Balim the young ladies' young +gentleman. + +We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies' young gentleman +hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a young lady to inquire +whether he had danced to that the night before. 'By Heaven, then, I +did,' replied the young gentleman, 'and with a lovely heiress; a superb +creature, with twenty thousand pounds.' 'You seem rather struck,' +observed another young lady. ''Gad she was a sweet creature,' returned +the young gentleman, arranging his hair. 'Of course _she_ was struck +too?' inquired the first young lady. 'How can you ask, love?' interposed +the second; 'could she fail to be?' 'Well, honestly I think she was,' +observed the young gentleman. At this point of the dialogue, the young +lady who had spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman's right, +struck him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and said he was a +vain man--whereupon the young gentleman insisted on having the rosebud, +and the young lady appealing for help to the other young ladies, a +charming struggle ensued, terminating in the victory of the young +gentleman, and the capture of the rosebud. This little skirmish over, +the married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled sweetly upon +the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt; the young +gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting discussion took place +upon the important point whether the young gentleman was a flirt or not, +which being an agreeable conversation of a light kind, lasted a +considerable time. At length, a short silence occurring, the young +ladies on either side of the young gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep; +and the young gentleman, winking upon us to preserve silence, won a pair +of gloves from each, thereby causing them to wake with equal suddenness +and to scream very loud. The lively conversation to which this +pleasantry gave rise, lasted for the remainder of the ride, and would +have eked out a much longer one. + +We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under such +circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the cork-screw and the +bread. The married gentlemen were unusually thirsty, which they +attributed to the heat of the weather; the little boys ate to +inconvenience; mammas were very jovial, and their daughters very +fascinating; and the attendants being well-behaved men, got exceedingly +drunk at a respectful distance. + +We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that he +flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little group of young +ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he ate from their plates +and drank from their glasses in a manner truly captivating from its +excessive playfulness. His conversation, too, was exceedingly brilliant. +In fact, one elderly lady assured us, that in the course of a little +lively _badinage_ on the subject of ladies' dresses, he had evinced as +much knowledge as if he had been born and bred a milliner. + +As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep after dinner +entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we slipped away alone into a +thicker part of the wood, hoping to fall in with Mr. Balim, the greater +part of the young people having dropped off in twos and threes and the +young ladies' young gentleman among them. Nor were we disappointed, for +we had not walked far, when, peeping through the trees, we discovered him +before us, and truly it was a pleasant thing to contemplate his +greatness. + +The young ladies' young gentleman was seated upon the ground, at the feet +of a few young ladies who were reclining on a bank; he was so profusely +decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers, and other pretty spoils, that he +looked like a lamb--or perhaps a calf would be a better simile--adorned +for the sacrifice. One young lady supported a parasol over his +interesting head, another held his hat, and a third his neck-cloth, which +in romantic fashion he had thrown off; the young gentleman himself, with +his hand upon his breast, and his face moulded into an expression of the +most honeyed sweetness, was warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal +music in praise of female loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect, +that we burst into an involuntary shout of laughter, and made a hasty +retreat. + +What charming fellows these young ladies' young gentlemen are! Ducks, +dears, loves, angels, are all terms inadequate to express their merit. +They are such amazingly, uncommonly, wonderfully, nice men. + + + +CONCLUSION + + +As we have placed before the young ladies so many specimens of young +gentlemen, and have also in the dedication of this volume given them to +understand how much we reverence and admire their numerous virtues and +perfections; as we have given them such strong reasons to treat us with +confidence, and to banish, in our case, all that reserve and distrust of +the male sex which, as a point of general behaviour, they cannot do +better than preserve and maintain--we say, as we have done all this, we +feel that now, when we have arrived at the close of our task, they may +naturally press upon us the inquiry, what particular description of young +gentlemen we can conscientiously recommend. + +Here we are at a loss. We look over our list, and can neither recommend +the bashful young gentleman, nor the out-and-out young gentleman, nor the +very friendly young gentleman, nor the military young gentleman, nor the +political young gentleman, nor the domestic young gentleman, nor the +censorious young gentleman, nor the funny young gentleman, nor the +theatrical young gentleman, nor the poetical young gentleman, nor the +throwing-off young gentleman, nor the young ladies' young gentleman. + +As there are some good points about many of them, which still are not +sufficiently numerous to render any one among them eligible, as a whole, +our respectful advice to the young ladies is, to seek for a young +gentleman who unites in himself the best qualities of all, and the worst +weaknesses of none, and to lead him forthwith to the hymeneal altar, +whether he will or no. And to the young lady who secures him, we beg to +tender one short fragment of matrimonial advice, selected from many sound +passages of a similar tendency, to be found in a letter written by Dean +Swift to a young lady on her marriage. + +'The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and preserve the esteem +of your husband. Neither good-nature nor virtue will suffer him to +_esteem_ you against his judgment; and although he is not capable of +using you ill, yet you will in time grow a thing indifferent and perhaps +contemptible; unless you can supply the loss of youth and beauty with +more durable qualities. You have but a very few years to be young and +handsome in the eyes of the world; and as few months to be so in the eyes +of a husband who is not a fool; for I hope you do not still dream of +charms and raptures, which marriage ever did, and ever will, put a sudden +end to.' + +From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the fortunate +lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that the young gentleman +to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other than ourself. Without +in any way committing ourself upon this point, we have merely to observe, +that we are ready to receive sealed offers containing a full +specification of age, temper, appearance, and condition; but we beg it to +be distinctly understood that we do not pledge ourself to accept the +highest bidder. + +These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs. Chapman and +Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other testimonials of +approbation from the young ladies generally, are respectfully requested +to be addressed. + + + + +SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES + + +AN URGENT REMONSTRANCE, &c. + + + TO THE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND, + (BEING BACHELORS OR WIDOWERS,) + THE REMONSTRANCE OF THEIR FAITHFUL FELLOW-SUBJECT, + +SHEWETH,-- + +THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, Victoria, by the Grace of God of the +United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland Queen, Defender of the Faith, +did, on the 23rd day of November last past, declare and pronounce to Her +Most Honourable Privy Council, Her Majesty's Most Gracious intention of +entering into the bonds of wedlock. + +THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, in so making known Her Most Gracious +intention to Her Most Honourable Privy Council as aforesaid, did use and +employ the words--'It is my intention to ally myself in marriage with +Prince Albert of Saxe Coburg and Gotha.' + +THAT the present is Bissextile, or Leap Year, in which it is held and +considered lawful for any lady to offer and submit proposals of marriage +to any gentleman, and to enforce and insist upon acceptance of the same, +under pain of a certain fine or penalty; to wit, one silk or satin dress +of the first quality, to be chosen by the lady and paid (or owed) for, by +the gentleman. + +THAT these and other the horrors and dangers with which the said +Bissextile, or Leap Year, threatens the gentlemen of England on every +occasion of its periodical return, have been greatly aggravated and +augmented by the terms of Her Majesty's said Most Gracious communication, +which have filled the heads of divers young ladies in this Realm with +certain new ideas destructive to the peace of mankind, that never entered +their imagination before. + +THAT a case has occurred in Camberwell, in which a young lady informed +her Papa that 'she intended to ally herself in marriage' with Mr. Smith +of Stepney; and that another, and a very distressing case, has occurred +at Tottenham, in which a young lady not only stated her intention of +allying herself in marriage with her cousin John, but, taking violent +possession of her said cousin, actually married him. + +THAT similar outrages are of constant occurrence, not only in the capital +and its neighbourhood, but throughout the kingdom, and that unless the +excited female populace be speedily checked and restrained in their +lawless proceedings, most deplorable results must ensue therefrom; among +which may be anticipated a most alarming increase in the population of +the country, with which no efforts of the agricultural or manufacturing +interest can possibly keep pace. + +THAT there is strong reason to suspect the existence of a most extensive +plot, conspiracy, or design, secretly contrived by vast numbers of single +ladies in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, and now +extending its ramifications in every quarter of the land; the object and +intent of which plainly appears to be the holding and solemnising of an +enormous and unprecedented number of marriages, on the day on which the +nuptials of Her said Most Gracious Majesty are performed. + +THAT such plot, conspiracy, or design, strongly savours of Popery, as +tending to the discomfiture of the Clergy of the Established Church, by +entailing upon them great mental and physical exhaustion; and that such +Popish plots are fomented and encouraged by Her Majesty's Ministers, +which clearly appears--not only from Her Majesty's principal Secretary of +State for Foreign Affairs traitorously getting married while holding +office under the Crown; but from Mr. O'Connell having been heard to +declare and avow that, if he had a daughter to marry, she should be +married on the same day as Her said Most Gracious Majesty. + +THAT such arch plots, conspiracies, and designs, besides being fraught +with danger to the Established Church, and (consequently) to the State, +cannot fail to bring ruin and bankruptcy upon a large class of Her +Majesty's subjects; as a great and sudden increase in the number of +married men occasioning the comparative desertion (for a time) of +Taverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, will deprive the +Proprietors of their accustomed profits and returns. And in further +proof of the depth and baseness of such designs, it may be here observed, +that all proprietors of Taverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and +Gaming-Houses, are (especially the last) solemnly devoted to the +Protestant religion. + +FOR all these reasons, and many others of no less gravity and import, an +urgent appeal is made to the gentlemen of England (being bachelors or +widowers) to take immediate steps for convening a Public meeting; To +consider of the best and surest means of averting the dangers with which +they are threatened by the recurrence of Bissextile, or Leap Year, and +the additional sensation created among single ladies by the terms of Her +Majesty's Most Gracious Declaration; To take measures, without delay, for +resisting the said single Ladies, and counteracting their evil designs; +And to pray Her Majesty to dismiss her present Ministers, and to summon +to her Councils those distinguished Gentlemen in various Honourable +Professions who, by insulting on all occasions the only Lady in England +who can be insulted with safety, have given a sufficient guarantee to Her +Majesty's Loving Subjects that they, at least, are qualified to make war +with women, and are already expert in the use of those weapons which are +common to the lowest and most abandoned of the sex. + + + +THE YOUNG COUPLE + + +There is to be a wedding this morning at the corner house in the terrace. +The pastry-cook's people have been there half-a-dozen times already; all +day yesterday there was a great stir and bustle, and they were up this +morning as soon as it was light. Miss Emma Fielding is going to be +married to young Mr. Harvey. + +Heaven alone can tell in what bright colours this marriage is painted +upon the mind of the little housemaid at number six, who has hardly slept +a wink all night with thinking of it, and now stands on the unswept +door-steps leaning upon her broom, and looking wistfully towards the +enchanted house. Nothing short of omniscience can divine what visions of +the baker, or the green-grocer, or the smart and most insinuating +butterman, are flitting across her mind--what thoughts of how she would +dress on such an occasion, if she were a lady--of how she would dress, if +she were only a bride--of how cook would dress, being bridesmaid, +conjointly with her sister 'in place' at Fulham, and how the clergyman, +deeming them so many ladies, would be quite humbled and respectful. What +day-dreams of hope and happiness--of life being one perpetual holiday, +with no master and no mistress to grant or withhold it--of every Sunday +being a Sunday out--of pure freedom as to curls and ringlets, and no +obligation to hide fine heads of hair in caps--what pictures of +happiness, vast and immense to her, but utterly ridiculous to us, +bewilder the brain of the little housemaid at number six, all called into +existence by the wedding at the corner! + +We smile at such things, and so we should, though perhaps for a better +reason than commonly presents itself. It should be pleasant to us to +know that there are notions of happiness so moderate and limited, since +upon those who entertain them, happiness and lightness of heart are very +easily bestowed. + +But the little housemaid is awakened from her reverie, for forth from the +door of the magical corner house there runs towards her, all fluttering +in smart new dress and streaming ribands, her friend Jane Adams, who +comes all out of breath to redeem a solemn promise of taking her in, +under cover of the confusion, to see the breakfast table spread forth in +state, and--sight of sights!--her young mistress ready dressed for +church. + +And there, in good truth, when they have stolen up-stairs on tip-toe and +edged themselves in at the chamber-door--there is Miss Emma 'looking like +the sweetest picter,' in a white chip bonnet and orange flowers, and all +other elegancies becoming a bride, (with the make, shape, and quality of +every article of which the girl is perfectly familiar in one moment, and +never forgets to her dying day)--and there is Miss Emma's mamma in tears, +and Miss Emma's papa comforting her, and saying how that of course she +has been long looking forward to this, and how happy she ought to be--and +there too is Miss Emma's sister with her arms round her neck, and the +other bridesmaid all smiles and tears, quieting the children, who would +cry more but that they are so finely dressed, and yet sob for fear sister +Emma should be taken away--and it is all so affecting, that the two +servant-girls cry more than anybody; and Jane Adams, sitting down upon +the stairs, when they have crept away, declares that her legs tremble so +that she don't know what to do, and that she will say for Miss Emma, that +she never had a hasty word from her, and that she does hope and pray she +may be happy. + +But Jane soon comes round again, and then surely there never was anything +like the breakfast table, glittering with plate and china, and set out +with flowers and sweets, and long-necked bottles, in the most sumptuous +and dazzling manner. In the centre, too, is the mighty charm, the cake, +glistening with frosted sugar, and garnished beautifully. They agree +that there ought to be a little Cupid under one of the barley-sugar +temples, or at least two hearts and an arrow; but, with this exception, +there is nothing to wish for, and a table could not be handsomer. As +they arrive at this conclusion, who should come in but Mr. John! to whom +Jane says that its only Anne from number six; and John says _he_ knows, +for he's often winked his eye down the area, which causes Anne to blush +and look confused. She is going away, indeed; when Mr. John will have it +that she must drink a glass of wine, and he says never mind it's being +early in the morning, it won't hurt her: so they shut the door and pour +out the wine; and Anne drinking lane's health, and adding, 'and here's +wishing you yours, Mr. John,' drinks it in a great many sips,--Mr. John +all the time making jokes appropriate to the occasion. At last Mr. John, +who has waxed bolder by degrees, pleads the usage at weddings, and claims +the privilege of a kiss, which he obtains after a great scuffle; and +footsteps being now heard on the stairs, they disperse suddenly. + +By this time a carriage has driven up to convey the bride to church, and +Anne of number six prolonging the process of 'cleaning her door,' has the +satisfaction of beholding the bride and bridesmaids, and the papa and +mamma, hurry into the same and drive rapidly off. Nor is this all, for +soon other carriages begin to arrive with a posse of company all +beautifully dressed, at whom she could stand and gaze for ever; but +having something else to do, is compelled to take one last long look and +shut the street-door. + +And now the company have gone down to breakfast, and tears have given +place to smiles, for all the corks are out of the long-necked bottles, +and their contents are disappearing rapidly. Miss Emma's papa is at the +top of the table; Miss Emma's mamma at the bottom; and beside the latter +are Miss Emma herself and her husband,--admitted on all hands to be the +handsomest and most interesting young couple ever known. All down both +sides of the table, too, are various young ladies, beautiful to see, and +various young gentlemen who seem to think so; and there, in a post of +honour, is an unmarried aunt of Miss Emma's, reported to possess +unheard-of riches, and to have expressed vast testamentary intentions +respecting her favourite niece and new nephew. This lady has been very +liberal and generous already, as the jewels worn by the bride abundantly +testify, but that is nothing to what she means to do, or even to what she +has done, for she put herself in close communication with the dressmaker +three months ago, and prepared a wardrobe (with some articles worked by +her own hands) fit for a Princess. People may call her an old maid, and +so she may be, but she is neither cross nor ugly for all that; on the +contrary, she is very cheerful and pleasant-looking, and very kind and +tender-hearted: which is no matter of surprise except to those who yield +to popular prejudices without thinking why, and will never grow wiser and +never know better. + +Of all the company though, none are more pleasant to behold or better +pleased with themselves than two young children, who, in honour of the +day, have seats among the guests. Of these, one is a little fellow of +six or eight years old, brother to the bride,--and the other a girl of +the same age, or something younger, whom he calls 'his wife.' The real +bride and bridegroom are not more devoted than they: he all love and +attention, and she all blushes and fondness, toying with a little bouquet +which he gave her this morning, and placing the scattered rose-leaves in +her bosom with nature's own coquettishness. They have dreamt of each +other in their quiet dreams, these children, and their little hearts have +been nearly broken when the absent one has been dispraised in jest. When +will there come in after-life a passion so earnest, generous, and true as +theirs; what, even in its gentlest realities, can have the grace and +charm that hover round such fairy lovers! + +By this time the merriment and happiness of the feast have gained their +height; certain ominous looks begin to be exchanged between the +bridesmaids, and somehow it gets whispered about that the carriage which +is to take the young couple into the country has arrived. Such members +of the party as are most disposed to prolong its enjoyments, affect to +consider this a false alarm, but it turns out too true, being speedily +confirmed, first by the retirement of the bride and a select file of +intimates who are to prepare her for the journey, and secondly by the +withdrawal of the ladies generally. To this there ensues a particularly +awkward pause, in which everybody essays to be facetious, and nobody +succeeds; at length the bridegroom makes a mysterious disappearance in +obedience to some equally mysterious signal; and the table is deserted. + +Now, for at least six weeks last past it has been solemnly devised and +settled that the young couple should go away in secret; but they no +sooner appear without the door than the drawing-room windows are blocked +up with ladies waving their handkerchiefs and kissing their hands, and +the dining-room panes with gentlemen's faces beaming farewell in every +queer variety of its expression. The hall and steps are crowded with +servants in white favours, mixed up with particular friends and relations +who have darted out to say good-bye; and foremost in the group are the +tiny lovers arm in arm, thinking, with fluttering hearts, what happiness +it would be to dash away together in that gallant coach, and never part +again. + +The bride has barely time for one hurried glance at her old home, when +the steps rattle, the door slams, the horses clatter on the pavement, and +they have left it far away. + +A knot of women servants still remain clustered in the hall, whispering +among themselves, and there of course is Anne from number six, who has +made another escape on some plea or other, and been an admiring witness +of the departure. There are two points on which Anne expatiates over and +over again, without the smallest appearance of fatigue or intending to +leave off; one is, that she 'never see in all her life such a--oh such a +angel of a gentleman as Mr. Harvey'--and the other, that she 'can't tell +how it is, but it don't seem a bit like a work-a-day, or a Sunday +neither--it's all so unsettled and unregular.' + + + +THE FORMAL COUPLE + + +The formal couple are the most prim, cold, immovable, and unsatisfactory +people on the face of the earth. Their faces, voices, dress, house, +furniture, walk, and manner, are all the essence of formality, unrelieved +by one redeeming touch of frankness, heartiness, or nature. + +Everything with the formal couple resolves itself into a matter of form. +They don't call upon you on your account, but their own; not to see how +you are, but to show how they are: it is not a ceremony to do honour to +you, but to themselves,--not due to your position, but to theirs. If one +of a friend's children die, the formal couple are as sure and punctual in +sending to the house as the undertaker; if a friend's family be +increased, the monthly nurse is not more attentive than they. The formal +couple, in fact, joyfully seize all occasions of testifying their +good-breeding and precise observance of the little usages of society; and +for you, who are the means to this end, they care as much as a man does +for the tailor who has enabled him to cut a figure, or a woman for the +milliner who has assisted her to a conquest. + +Having an extensive connexion among that kind of people who make +acquaintances and eschew friends, the formal gentleman attends from time +to time a great many funerals, to which he is formally invited, and to +which he formally goes, as returning a call for the last time. Here his +deportment is of the most faultless description; he knows the exact pitch +of voice it is proper to assume, the sombre look he ought to wear, the +melancholy tread which should be his gait for the day. He is perfectly +acquainted with all the dreary courtesies to be observed in a +mourning-coach; knows when to sigh, and when to hide his nose in the +white handkerchief; and looks into the grave and shakes his head when the +ceremony is concluded, with the sad formality of a mute. + +'What kind of funeral was it?' says the formal lady, when he returns +home. 'Oh!' replies the formal gentleman, 'there never was such a gross +and disgusting impropriety; there were no feathers.' 'No feathers!' +cries the lady, as if on wings of black feathers dead people fly to +Heaven, and, lacking them, they must of necessity go elsewhere. Her +husband shakes his head; and further adds, that they had seed-cake +instead of plum-cake, and that it was all white wine. 'All white wine!' +exclaims his wife. 'Nothing but sherry and madeira,' says the husband. +'What! no port?' 'Not a drop.' No port, no plums, and no feathers! +'You will recollect, my dear,' says the formal lady, in a voice of +stately reproof, 'that when we first met this poor man who is now dead +and gone, and he took that very strange course of addressing me at dinner +without being previously introduced, I ventured to express my opinion +that the family were quite ignorant of etiquette, and very imperfectly +acquainted with the decencies of life. You have now had a good +opportunity of judging for yourself, and all I have to say is, that I +trust you will never go to a funeral _there_ again.' 'My dear,' replies +the formal gentleman, 'I never will.' So the informal deceased is cut in +his grave; and the formal couple, when they tell the story of the +funeral, shake their heads, and wonder what some people's feelings _are_ +made of, and what their notions of propriety _can_ be! + +If the formal couple have a family (which they sometimes have), they are +not children, but little, pale, sour, sharp-nosed men and women; and so +exquisitely brought up, that they might be very old dwarfs for anything +that appeareth to the contrary. Indeed, they are so acquainted with +forms and conventionalities, and conduct themselves with such strict +decorum, that to see the little girl break a looking-glass in some wild +outbreak, or the little boy kick his parents, would be to any visitor an +unspeakable relief and consolation. + +The formal couple are always sticklers for what is rigidly proper, and +have a great readiness in detecting hidden impropriety of speech or +thought, which by less scrupulous people would be wholly unsuspected. +Thus, if they pay a visit to the theatre, they sit all night in a perfect +agony lest anything improper or immoral should proceed from the stage; +and if anything should happen to be said which admits of a double +construction, they never fail to take it up directly, and to express by +their looks the great outrage which their feelings have sustained. +Perhaps this is their chief reason for absenting themselves almost +entirely from places of public amusement. They go sometimes to the +Exhibition of the Royal Academy;--but that is often more shocking than +the stage itself, and the formal lady thinks that it really is high time +Mr. Etty was prosecuted and made a public example of. + +We made one at a christening party not long since, where there were +amongst the guests a formal couple, who suffered the acutest torture from +certain jokes, incidental to such an occasion, cut--and very likely dried +also--by one of the godfathers; a red-faced elderly gentleman, who, being +highly popular with the rest of the company, had it all his own way, and +was in great spirits. It was at supper-time that this gentleman came out +in full force. We--being of a grave and quiet demeanour--had been chosen +to escort the formal lady down-stairs, and, sitting beside her, had a +favourable opportunity of observing her emotions. + +We have a shrewd suspicion that, in the very beginning, and in the first +blush--literally the first blush--of the matter, the formal lady had not +felt quite certain whether the being present at such a ceremony, and +encouraging, as it were, the public exhibition of a baby, was not an act +involving some degree of indelicacy and impropriety; but certain we are +that when that baby's health was drunk, and allusions were made, by a +grey-headed gentleman proposing it, to the time when he had dandled in +his arms the young Christian's mother,--certain we are that then the +formal lady took the alarm, and recoiled from the old gentleman as from a +hoary profligate. Still she bore it; she fanned herself with an +indignant air, but still she bore it. A comic song was sung, involving a +confession from some imaginary gentleman that he had kissed a female, and +yet the formal lady bore it. But when at last, the health of the +godfather before-mentioned being drunk, the godfather rose to return +thanks, and in the course of his observations darkly hinted at babies yet +unborn, and even contemplated the possibility of the subject of that +festival having brothers and sisters, the formal lady could endure no +more, but, bowing slightly round, and sweeping haughtily past the +offender, left the room in tears, under the protection of the formal +gentleman. + + + +THE LOVING COUPLE + + +There cannot be a better practical illustration of the wise saw and +ancient instance, that there may be too much of a good thing, than is +presented by a loving couple. Undoubtedly it is meet and proper that two +persons joined together in holy matrimony should be loving, and +unquestionably it is pleasant to know and see that they are so; but there +is a time for all things, and the couple who happen to be always in a +loving state before company, are well-nigh intolerable. + +And in taking up this position we would have it distinctly understood +that we do not seek alone the sympathy of bachelors, in whose objection +to loving couples we recognise interested motives and personal +considerations. We grant that to that unfortunate class of society there +may be something very irritating, tantalising, and provoking, in being +compelled to witness those gentle endearments and chaste interchanges +which to loving couples are quite the ordinary business of life. But +while we recognise the natural character of the prejudice to which these +unhappy men are subject, we can neither receive their biassed evidence, +nor address ourself to their inflamed and angered minds. Dispassionate +experience is our only guide; and in these moral essays we seek no less +to reform hymeneal offenders than to hold out a timely warning to all +rising couples, and even to those who have not yet set forth upon their +pilgrimage towards the matrimonial market. + +Let all couples, present or to come, therefore profit by the example of +Mr. and Mrs. Leaver, themselves a loving couple in the first degree. + +Mr. and Mrs. Leaver are pronounced by Mrs. Starling, a widow lady who +lost her husband when she was young, and lost herself about the +same-time--for by her own count she has never since grown five years +older--to be a perfect model of wedded felicity. 'You would suppose,' +says the romantic lady, 'that they were lovers only just now engaged. +Never was such happiness! They are so tender, so affectionate, so +attached to each other, so enamoured, that positively nothing can be more +charming!' + +'Augusta, my soul,' says Mr. Leaver. 'Augustus, my life,' replies Mrs. +Leaver. 'Sing some little ballad, darling,' quoth Mr. Leaver. 'I +couldn't, indeed, dearest,' returns Mrs. Leaver. 'Do, my dove,' says Mr. +Leaver. 'I couldn't possibly, my love,' replies Mrs. Leaver; 'and it's +very naughty of you to ask me.' 'Naughty, darling!' cries Mr. Leaver. +'Yes, very naughty, and very cruel,' returns Mrs. Leaver, 'for you know I +have a sore throat, and that to sing would give me great pain. You're a +monster, and I hate you. Go away!' Mrs. Leaver has said 'go away,' +because Mr. Leaver has tapped her under the chin: Mr. Leaver not doing as +he is bid, but on the contrary, sitting down beside her, Mrs. Leaver +slaps Mr. Leaver; and Mr. Leaver in return slaps Mrs. Leaver, and it +being now time for all persons present to look the other way, they look +the other way, and hear a still small sound as of kissing, at which Mrs. +Starling is thoroughly enraptured, and whispers her neighbour that if all +married couples were like that, what a heaven this earth would be! + +The loving couple are at home when this occurs, and maybe only three or +four friends are present, but, unaccustomed to reserve upon this +interesting point, they are pretty much the same abroad. Indeed upon +some occasions, such as a pic-nic or a water-party, their lovingness is +even more developed, as we had an opportunity last summer of observing in +person. + +There was a great water-party made up to go to Twickenham and dine, and +afterwards dance in an empty villa by the river-side, hired expressly for +the purpose. Mr. and Mrs. Leaver were of the company; and it was our +fortune to have a seat in the same boat, which was an eight-oared galley, +manned by amateurs, with a blue striped awning of the same pattern as +their Guernsey shirts, and a dingy red flag of the same shade as the +whiskers of the stroke oar. A coxswain being appointed, and all other +matters adjusted, the eight gentlemen threw themselves into strong +paroxysms, and pulled up with the tide, stimulated by the compassionate +remarks of the ladies, who one and all exclaimed, that it seemed an +immense exertion--as indeed it did. At first we raced the other boat, +which came alongside in gallant style; but this being found an unpleasant +amusement, as giving rise to a great quantity of splashing, and rendering +the cold pies and other viands very moist, it was unanimously voted down, +and we were suffered to shoot a-head, while the second boat followed +ingloriously in our wake. + +It was at this time that we first recognised Mr. Leaver. There were two +firemen-watermen in the boat, lying by until somebody was exhausted; and +one of them, who had taken upon himself the direction of affairs, was +heard to cry in a gruff voice, 'Pull away, number two--give it her, +number two--take a longer reach, number two--now, number two, sir, think +you're winning a boat.' The greater part of the company had no doubt +begun to wonder which of the striped Guernseys it might be that stood in +need of such encouragement, when a stifled shriek from Mrs. Leaver +confirmed the doubtful and informed the ignorant; and Mr. Leaver, still +further disguised in a straw hat and no neckcloth, was observed to be in +a fearful perspiration, and failing visibly. Nor was the general +consternation diminished at this instant by the same gentleman (in the +performance of an accidental aquatic feat, termed 'catching a crab') +plunging suddenly backward, and displaying nothing of himself to the +company, but two violently struggling legs. Mrs. Leaver shrieked again +several times, and cried piteously--'Is he dead? Tell me the worst. Is +he dead?' + +Now, a moment's reflection might have convinced the loving wife, that +unless her husband were endowed with some most surprising powers of +muscular action, he never could be dead while he kicked so hard; but +still Mrs. Leaver cried, 'Is he dead? is he dead?' and still everybody +else cried--'No, no, no,' until such time as Mr. Leaver was replaced in a +sitting posture, and his oar (which had been going through all kinds of +wrong-headed performances on its own account) was once more put in his +hand, by the exertions of the two firemen-watermen. Mr. Leaver then +exclaimed, 'Augustus, my child, come to me;' and Mr. Leaver said, +'Augusta, my love, compose yourself, I am not injured.' But Mrs. Leaver +cried again more piteously than before, 'Augustus, my child, come to me;' +and now the company generally, who seemed to be apprehensive that if Mr. +Leaver remained where he was, he might contribute more than his proper +share towards the drowning of the party, disinterestedly took part with +Mrs. Leaver, and said he really ought to go, and that he was not strong +enough for such violent exercise, and ought never to have undertaken it. +Reluctantly, Mr. Leaver went, and laid himself down at Mrs. Leaver's +feet, and Mrs. Leaver stooping over him, said, 'Oh Augustus, how could +you terrify me so?' and Mr. Leaver said, 'Augusta, my sweet, I never +meant to terrify you;' and Mrs. Leaver said, 'You are faint, my dear;' +and Mr. Leaver said, 'I am rather so, my love;' and they were very loving +indeed under Mrs. Leaver's veil, until at length Mr. Leaver came forth +again, and pleasantly asked if he had not heard something said about +bottled stout and sandwiches. + +Mrs. Starling, who was one of the party, was perfectly delighted with +this scene, and frequently murmured half-aside, 'What a loving couple you +are!' or 'How delightful it is to see man and wife so happy together!' +To us she was quite poetical, (for we are a kind of cousins,) observing +that hearts beating in unison like that made life a paradise of sweets; +and that when kindred creatures were drawn together by sympathies so fine +and delicate, what more than mortal happiness did not our souls partake! +To all this we answered 'Certainly,' or 'Very true,' or merely sighed, as +the case might be. At every new act of the loving couple, the widow's +admiration broke out afresh; and when Mrs. Leaver would not permit Mr. +Leaver to keep his hat off, lest the sun should strike to his head, and +give him a brain fever, Mrs. Starling actually shed tears, and said it +reminded her of Adam and Eve. + +The loving couple were thus loving all the way to Twickenham, but when we +arrived there (by which time the amateur crew looked very thirsty and +vicious) they were more playful than ever, for Mrs. Leaver threw stones +at Mr. Leaver, and Mr. Leaver ran after Mrs. Leaver on the grass, in a +most innocent and enchanting manner. At dinner, too, Mr. Leaver _would_ +steal Mrs. Leaver's tongue, and Mrs. Leaver _would_ retaliate upon Mr. +Leaver's fowl; and when Mrs. Leaver was going to take some lobster salad, +Mr. Leaver wouldn't let her have any, saying that it made her ill, and +she was always sorry for it afterwards, which afforded Mrs. Leaver an +opportunity of pretending to be cross, and showing many other +prettinesses. But this was merely the smiling surface of their loves, +not the mighty depths of the stream, down to which the company, to say +the truth, dived rather unexpectedly, from the following accident. It +chanced that Mr. Leaver took upon himself to propose the bachelors who +had first originated the notion of that entertainment, in doing which, he +affected to regret that he was no longer of their body himself, and +pretended grievously to lament his fallen state. This Mrs. Leaver's +feelings could not brook, even in jest, and consequently, exclaiming +aloud, 'He loves me not, he loves me not!' she fell in a very pitiable +state into the arms of Mrs. Starling, and, directly becoming insensible, +was conveyed by that lady and her husband into another room. Presently +Mr. Leaver came running back to know if there was a medical gentleman in +company, and as there was, (in what company is there not?) both Mr. +Leaver and the medical gentleman hurried away together. + +The medical gentleman was the first who returned, and among his intimate +friends he was observed to laugh and wink, and look as unmedical as might +be; but when Mr. Leaver came back he was very solemn, and in answer to +all inquiries, shook his head, and remarked that Augusta was far too +sensitive to be trifled with--an opinion which the widow subsequently +confirmed. Finding that she was in no imminent peril, however, the rest +of the party betook themselves to dancing on the green, and very merry +and happy they were, and a vast quantity of flirtation there was; the +last circumstance being no doubt attributable, partly to the fineness of +the weather, and partly to the locality, which is well known to be +favourable to all harmless recreations. + +In the bustle of the scene, Mr. and Mrs. Leaver stole down to the boat, +and disposed themselves under the awning, Mrs. Leaver reclining her head +upon Mr. Leaver's shoulder, and Mr. Leaver grasping her hand with great +fervour, and looking in her face from time to time with a melancholy and +sympathetic aspect. The widow sat apart, feigning to be occupied with a +book, but stealthily observing them from behind her fan; and the two +firemen-watermen, smoking their pipes on the bank hard by, nudged each +other, and grinned in enjoyment of the joke. Very few of the party +missed the loving couple; and the few who did, heartily congratulated +each other on their disappearance. + + + +THE CONTRADICTORY COUPLE + + +One would suppose that two people who are to pass their whole lives +together, and must necessarily be very often alone with each other, could +find little pleasure in mutual contradiction; and yet what is more common +than a contradictory couple? + +The contradictory couple agree in nothing but contradiction. They return +home from Mrs. Bluebottle's dinner-party, each in an opposite corner of +the coach, and do not exchange a syllable until they have been seated for +at least twenty minutes by the fireside at home, when the gentleman, +raising his eyes from the stove, all at once breaks silence: + +'What a very extraordinary thing it is,' says he, 'that you _will_ +contradict, Charlotte!' '_I_ contradict!' cries the lady, 'but that's +just like you.' 'What's like me?' says the gentleman sharply. 'Saying +that I contradict you,' replies the lady. 'Do you mean to say that you +do _not_ contradict me?' retorts the gentleman; 'do you mean to say that +you have not been contradicting me the whole of this day?' 'Do you mean +to tell me now, that you have not? I mean to tell you nothing of the +kind,' replies the lady quietly; 'when you are wrong, of course I shall +contradict you.' + +During this dialogue the gentleman has been taking his brandy-and-water +on one side of the fire, and the lady, with her dressing-case on the +table, has been curling her hair on the other. She now lets down her +back hair, and proceeds to brush it; preserving at the same time an air +of conscious rectitude and suffering virtue, which is intended to +exasperate the gentleman--and does so. + +'I do believe,' he says, taking the spoon out of his glass, and tossing +it on the table, 'that of all the obstinate, positive, wrong-headed +creatures that were ever born, you are the most so, Charlotte.' +'Certainly, certainly, have it your own way, pray. You see how much _I_ +contradict you,' rejoins the lady. 'Of course, you didn't contradict me +at dinner-time--oh no, not you!' says the gentleman. 'Yes, I did,' says +the lady. 'Oh, you did,' cries the gentleman 'you admit that?' 'If you +call that contradiction, I do,' the lady answers; 'and I say again, +Edward, that when I know you are wrong, I will contradict you. I am not +your slave.' 'Not my slave!' repeats the gentleman bitterly; 'and you +still mean to say that in the Blackburns' new house there are not more +than fourteen doors, including the door of the wine-cellar!' 'I mean to +say,' retorts the lady, beating time with her hair-brush on the palm of +her hand, 'that in that house there are fourteen doors and no more.' +'Well then--' cries the gentleman, rising in despair, and pacing the room +with rapid strides. 'By G-, this is enough to destroy a man's intellect, +and drive him mad!' + +By and by the gentleman comes-to a little, and passing his hand gloomily +across his forehead, reseats himself in his former chair. There is a +long silence, and this time the lady begins. 'I appealed to Mr. Jenkins, +who sat next to me on the sofa in the drawing-room during tea--' +'Morgan, you mean,' interrupts the gentleman. 'I do not mean anything of +the kind,' answers the lady. 'Now, by all that is aggravating and +impossible to bear,' cries the gentleman, clenching his hands and looking +upwards in agony, 'she is going to insist upon it that Morgan is +Jenkins!' 'Do you take me for a perfect fool?' exclaims the lady; 'do +you suppose I don't know the one from the other? Do you suppose I don't +know that the man in the blue coat was Mr. Jenkins?' 'Jenkins in a blue +coat!' cries the gentleman with a groan; 'Jenkins in a blue coat! a man +who would suffer death rather than wear anything but brown!' 'Do you +dare to charge me with telling an untruth?' demands the lady, bursting +into tears. 'I charge you, ma'am,' retorts the gentleman, starting up, +'with being a monster of contradiction, a monster of aggravation, +a--a--a--Jenkins in a blue coat!--what have I done that I should be +doomed to hear such statements!' + +Expressing himself with great scorn and anguish, the gentleman takes up +his candle and stalks off to bed, where feigning to be fast asleep when +the lady comes up-stairs drowned in tears, murmuring lamentations over +her hard fate and indistinct intentions of consulting her brothers, he +undergoes the secret torture of hearing her exclaim between whiles, 'I +know there are only fourteen doors in the house, I know it was Mr. +Jenkins, I know he had a blue coat on, and I would say it as positively +as I do now, if they were the last words I had to speak!' + +If the contradictory couple are blessed with children, they are not the +less contradictory on that account. Master James and Miss Charlotte +present themselves after dinner, and being in perfect good humour, and +finding their parents in the same amiable state, augur from these +appearances half a glass of wine a-piece and other extraordinary +indulgences. But unfortunately Master James, growing talkative upon such +prospects, asks his mamma how tall Mrs. Parsons is, and whether she is +not six feet high; to which his mamma replies, 'Yes, she should think she +was, for Mrs. Parsons is a very tall lady indeed; quite a giantess.' +'For Heaven's sake, Charlotte,' cries her husband, 'do not tell the child +such preposterous nonsense. Six feet high!' 'Well,' replies the lady, +'surely I may be permitted to have an opinion; my opinion is, that she is +six feet high--at least six feet.' 'Now you know, Charlotte,' retorts +the gentleman sternly, 'that that is _not_ your opinion--that you have no +such idea--and that you only say this for the sake of contradiction.' +'You are exceedingly polite,' his wife replies; 'to be wrong about such a +paltry question as anybody's height, would be no great crime; but I say +again, that I believe Mrs. Parsons to be six feet--more than six feet; +nay, I believe you know her to be full six feet, and only say she is not, +because I say she is.' This taunt disposes the gentleman to become +violent, but he cheeks himself, and is content to mutter, in a haughty +tone, 'Six feet--ha! ha! Mrs. Parsons six feet!' and the lady answers, +'Yes, six feet. I am sure I am glad you are amused, and I'll say it +again--six feet.' Thus the subject gradually drops off, and the +contradiction begins to be forgotten, when Master James, with some +undefined notion of making himself agreeable, and putting things to +rights again, unfortunately asks his mamma what the moon's made of; which +gives her occasion to say that he had better not ask her, for she is +always wrong and never can be right; that he only exposes her to +contradiction by asking any question of her; and that he had better ask +his papa, who is infallible, and never can be wrong. Papa, smarting +under this attack, gives a terrible pull at the bell, and says, that if +the conversation is to proceed in this way, the children had better be +removed. Removed they are, after a few tears and many struggles; and Pa +having looked at Ma sideways for a minute or two, with a baleful eye, +draws his pocket-handkerchief over his face, and composes himself for his +after-dinner nap. + +The friends of the contradictory couple often deplore their frequent +disputes, though they rather make light of them at the same time: +observing, that there is no doubt they are very much attached to each +other, and that they never quarrel except about trifles. But neither the +friends of the contradictory couple, nor the contradictory couple +themselves, reflect, that as the most stupendous objects in nature are +but vast collections of minute particles, so the slightest and least +considered trifles make up the sum of human happiness or misery. + + + +THE COUPLE WHO DOTE UPON THEIR CHILDREN + + +The couple who dote upon their children have usually a great many of +them: six or eight at least. The children are either the healthiest in +all the world, or the most unfortunate in existence. In either case, +they are equally the theme of their doting parents, and equally a source +of mental anguish and irritation to their doting parents' friends. + +The couple who dote upon their children recognise no dates but those +connected with their births, accidents, illnesses, or remarkable deeds. +They keep a mental almanack with a vast number of Innocents'-days, all in +red letters. They recollect the last coronation, because on that day +little Tom fell down the kitchen stairs; the anniversary of the Gunpowder +Plot, because it was on the fifth of November that Ned asked whether +wooden legs were made in heaven and cocked hats grew in gardens. Mrs. +Whiffler will never cease to recollect the last day of the old year as +long as she lives, for it was on that day that the baby had the four red +spots on its nose which they took for measles: nor Christmas-day, for +twenty-one days after Christmas-day the twins were born; nor Good Friday, +for it was on a Good Friday that she was frightened by the donkey-cart +when she was in the family way with Georgiana. The movable feasts have +no motion for Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler, but remain pinned down tight and +fast to the shoulders of some small child, from whom they can never be +separated any more. Time was made, according to their creed, not for +slaves but for girls and boys; the restless sands in his glass are but +little children at play. + +As we have already intimated, the children of this couple can know no +medium. They are either prodigies of good health or prodigies of bad +health; whatever they are, they must be prodigies. Mr. Whiffler must +have to describe at his office such excruciating agonies constantly +undergone by his eldest boy, as nobody else's eldest boy ever underwent; +or he must be able to declare that there never was a child endowed with +such amazing health, such an indomitable constitution, and such a +cast-iron frame, as his child. His children must be, in some respect or +other, above and beyond the children of all other people. To such an +extent is this feeling pushed, that we were once slightly acquainted with +a lady and gentleman who carried their heads so high and became so proud +after their youngest child fell out of a two-pair-of-stairs window +without hurting himself much, that the greater part of their friends were +obliged to forego their acquaintance. But perhaps this may be an extreme +case, and one not justly entitled to be considered as a precedent of +general application. + +If a friend happen to dine in a friendly way with one of these couples +who dote upon their children, it is nearly impossible for him to divert +the conversation from their favourite topic. Everything reminds Mr. +Whiffler of Ned, or Mrs. Whiffler of Mary Anne, or of the time before Ned +was born, or the time before Mary Anne was thought of. The slightest +remark, however harmless in itself, will awaken slumbering recollections +of the twins. It is impossible to steer clear of them. They will come +uppermost, let the poor man do what he may. Ned has been known to be +lost sight of for half an hour, Dick has been forgotten, the name of Mary +Anne has not been mentioned, but the twins will out. Nothing can keep +down the twins. + +'It's a very extraordinary thing, Saunders,' says Mr. Whiffler to the +visitor, 'but--you have seen our little babies, the--the--twins?' The +friend's heart sinks within him as he answers, 'Oh, yes--often.' 'Your +talking of the Pyramids,' says Mr. Whiffler, quite as a matter of course, +'reminds me of the twins. It's a very extraordinary thing about those +babies--what colour should you say their eyes were?' 'Upon my word,' the +friend stammers, 'I hardly know how to answer'--the fact being, that +except as the friend does not remember to have heard of any departure +from the ordinary course of nature in the instance of these twins, they +might have no eyes at all for aught he has observed to the contrary. +'You wouldn't say they were red, I suppose?' says Mr. Whiffler. The +friend hesitates, and rather thinks they are; but inferring from the +expression of Mr. Whiffler's face that red is not the colour, smiles with +some confidence, and says, 'No, no! very different from that.' 'What +should you say to blue?' says Mr. Whiffler. The friend glances at him, +and observing a different expression in his face, ventures to say, 'I +should say they _were_ blue--a decided blue.' 'To be sure!' cries Mr. +Whiffler, triumphantly, 'I knew you would! But what should you say if I +was to tell you that the boy's eyes are blue and the girl's hazel, eh?' +'Impossible!' exclaims the friend, not at all knowing why it should be +impossible. 'A fact, notwithstanding,' cries Mr. Whiffler; 'and let me +tell you, Saunders, _that's_ not a common thing in twins, or a +circumstance that'll happen every day.' + +In this dialogue Mrs. Whiffler, as being deeply responsible for the +twins, their charms and singularities, has taken no share; but she now +relates, in broken English, a witticism of little Dick's bearing upon the +subject just discussed, which delights Mr. Whiffler beyond measure, and +causes him to declare that he would have sworn that was Dick's if he had +heard it anywhere. Then he requests that Mrs. Whiffler will tell +Saunders what Tom said about mad bulls; and Mrs. Whiffler relating the +anecdote, a discussion ensues upon the different character of Tom's wit +and Dick's wit, from which it appears that Dick's humour is of a lively +turn, while Tom's style is the dry and caustic. This discussion being +enlivened by various illustrations, lasts a long time, and is only +stopped by Mrs. Whiffler instructing the footman to ring the nursery +bell, as the children were promised that they should come down and taste +the pudding. + +The friend turns pale when this order is given, and paler still when it +is followed up by a great pattering on the staircase, (not unlike the +sound of rain upon a skylight,) a violent bursting open of the +dining-room door, and the tumultuous appearance of six small children, +closely succeeded by a strong nursery-maid with a twin in each arm. As +the whole eight are screaming, shouting, or kicking--some influenced by a +ravenous appetite, some by a horror of the stranger, and some by a +conflict of the two feelings--a pretty long space elapses before all +their heads can be ranged round the table and anything like order +restored; in bringing about which happy state of things both the nurse +and footman are severely scratched. At length Mrs. Whiffler is heard to +say, 'Mr. Saunders, shall I give you some pudding?' A breathless silence +ensues, and sixteen small eyes are fixed upon the guest in expectation of +his reply. A wild shout of joy proclaims that he has said 'No, thank +you.' Spoons are waved in the air, legs appear above the table-cloth in +uncontrollable ecstasy, and eighty short fingers dabble in damson syrup. + +While the pudding is being disposed of, Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler look on +with beaming countenances, and Mr. Whiffler nudging his friend Saunders, +begs him to take notice of Tom's eyes, or Dick's chin, or Ned's nose, or +Mary Anne's hair, or Emily's figure, or little Bob's calves, or Fanny's +mouth, or Carry's head, as the case may be. Whatever the attention of +Mr. Saunders is called to, Mr. Saunders admires of course; though he is +rather confused about the sex of the youngest branches and looks at the +wrong children, turning to a girl when Mr. Whiffler directs his attention +to a boy, and falling into raptures with a boy when he ought to be +enchanted with a girl. Then the dessert comes, and there is a vast deal +of scrambling after fruit, and sudden spirting forth of juice out of +tight oranges into infant eyes, and much screeching and wailing in +consequence. At length it becomes time for Mrs. Whiffler to retire, and +all the children are by force of arms compelled to kiss and love Mr. +Saunders before going up-stairs, except Tom, who, lying on his back in +the hall, proclaims that Mr. Saunders 'is a naughty beast;' and Dick, who +having drunk his father's wine when he was looking another way, is found +to be intoxicated and is carried out, very limp and helpless. + +Mr. Whiffler and his friend are left alone together, but Mr. Whiffler's +thoughts are still with his family, if his family are not with him. +'Saunders,' says he, after a short silence, 'if you please, we'll drink +Mrs. Whiffler and the children.' Mr. Saunders feels this to be a +reproach against himself for not proposing the same sentiment, and drinks +it in some confusion. 'Ah!' Mr. Whiffler sighs, 'these children, +Saunders, make one quite an old man.' Mr. Saunders thinks that if they +were his, they would make him a very old man; but he says nothing. 'And +yet,' pursues Mr. Whiffler, 'what can equal domestic happiness? what can +equal the engaging ways of children! Saunders, why don't you get +married?' Now, this is an embarrassing question, because Mr. Saunders +has been thinking that if he had at any time entertained matrimonial +designs, the revelation of that day would surely have routed them for +ever. 'I am glad, however,' says Mr. Whiffler, 'that you _are_ a +bachelor,--glad on one account, Saunders; a selfish one, I admit. Will +you do Mrs. Whiffler and myself a favour?' Mr. Saunders is +surprised--evidently surprised; but he replies, 'with the greatest +pleasure.' 'Then, will you, Saunders,' says Mr. Whiffler, in an +impressive manner, 'will you cement and consolidate our friendship by +coming into the family (so to speak) as a godfather?' 'I shall be proud +and delighted,' replies Mr. Saunders: 'which of the children is it? +really, I thought they were all christened; or--' 'Saunders,' Mr. +Whiffler interposes, 'they _are_ all christened; you are right. The fact +is, that Mrs. Whiffler is--in short, we expect another.' 'Not a ninth!' +cries the friend, all aghast at the idea. 'Yes, Saunders,' rejoins Mr. +Whiffler, solemnly, 'a ninth. Did we drink Mrs. Whiffler's health? Let +us drink it again, Saunders, and wish her well over it!' + +Doctor Johnson used to tell a story of a man who had but one idea, which +was a wrong one. The couple who dote upon their children are in the same +predicament: at home or abroad, at all times, and in all places, their +thoughts are bound up in this one subject, and have no sphere beyond. +They relate the clever things their offspring say or do, and weary every +company with their prolixity and absurdity. Mr. Whiffler takes a friend +by the button at a street corner on a windy day to tell him a _bon mot_ +of his youngest boy's; and Mrs. Whiffler, calling to see a sick +acquaintance, entertains her with a cheerful account of all her own past +sufferings and present expectations. In such cases the sins of the +fathers indeed descend upon the children; for people soon come to regard +them as predestined little bores. The couple who dote upon their +children cannot be said to be actuated by a general love for these +engaging little people (which would be a great excuse); for they are apt +to underrate and entertain a jealousy of any children but their own. If +they examined their own hearts, they would, perhaps, find at the bottom +of all this, more self-love and egotism than they think of. Self-love +and egotism are bad qualities, of which the unrestrained exhibition, +though it may be sometimes amusing, never fails to be wearisome and +unpleasant. Couples who dote upon their children, therefore, are best +avoided. + + + +THE COOL COUPLE + + +There is an old-fashioned weather-glass representing a house with two +doorways, in one of which is the figure of a gentleman, in the other the +figure of a lady. When the weather is to be fine the lady comes out and +the gentleman goes in; when wet, the gentleman comes out and the lady +goes in. They never seek each other's society, are never elevated and +depressed by the same cause, and have nothing in common. They are the +model of a cool couple, except that there is something of politeness and +consideration about the behaviour of the gentleman in the weather-glass, +in which, neither of the cool couple can be said to participate. + +The cool couple are seldom alone together, and when they are, nothing can +exceed their apathy and dulness: the gentleman being for the most part +drowsy, and the lady silent. If they enter into conversation, it is +usually of an ironical or recriminatory nature. Thus, when the gentleman +has indulged in a very long yawn and settled himself more snugly in his +easy-chair, the lady will perhaps remark, 'Well, I am sure, Charles! I +hope you're comfortable.' To which the gentleman replies, 'Oh yes, he's +quite comfortable quite.' 'There are not many married men, I hope,' +returns the lady, 'who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications as you +do.' 'Nor many wives who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications as +_you_ do, I hope,' retorts the gentleman. 'Whose fault is that?' demands +the lady. The gentleman becoming more sleepy, returns no answer. 'Whose +fault is that?' the lady repeats. The gentleman still returning no +answer, she goes on to say that she believes there never was in all this +world anybody so attached to her home, so thoroughly domestic, so +unwilling to seek a moment's gratification or pleasure beyond her own +fireside as she. God knows that before she was married she never thought +or dreamt of such a thing; and she remembers that her poor papa used to +say again and again, almost every day of his life, 'Oh, my dear Louisa, +if you only marry a man who understands you, and takes the trouble to +consider your happiness and accommodate himself a very little to your +disposition, what a treasure he will find in you!' She supposes her papa +knew what her disposition was--he had known her long enough--he ought to +have been acquainted with it, but what can she do? If her home is always +dull and lonely, and her husband is always absent and finds no pleasure +in her society, she is naturally sometimes driven (seldom enough, she is +sure) to seek a little recreation elsewhere; she is not expected to pine +and mope to death, she hopes. 'Then come, Louisa,' says the gentleman, +waking up as suddenly as he fell asleep, 'stop at home this evening, and +so will I.' 'I should be sorry to suppose, Charles, that you took a +pleasure in aggravating me,' replies the lady; 'but you know as well as I +do that I am particularly engaged to Mrs. Mortimer, and that it would be +an act of the grossest rudeness and ill-breeding, after accepting a seat +in her box and preventing her from inviting anybody else, not to go.' +'Ah! there it is!' says the gentleman, shrugging his shoulders, 'I knew +that perfectly well. I knew you couldn't devote an evening to your own +home. Now all I have to say, Louisa, is this--recollect that _I_ was +quite willing to stay at home, and that it's no fault of _mine_ we are +not oftener together.' + +With that the gentleman goes away to keep an old appointment at his club, +and the lady hurries off to dress for Mrs. Mortimer's; and neither thinks +of the other until by some odd chance they find themselves alone again. + +But it must not be supposed that the cool couple are habitually a +quarrelsome one. Quite the contrary. These differences are only +occasions for a little self-excuse,--nothing more. In general they are +as easy and careless, and dispute as seldom, as any common acquaintances +may; for it is neither worth their while to put each other out of the +way, nor to ruffle themselves. + +When they meet in society, the cool couple are the best-bred people in +existence. The lady is seated in a corner among a little knot of lady +friends, one of whom exclaims, 'Why, I vow and declare there is your +husband, my dear!' 'Whose?--mine?' she says, carelessly. 'Ay, yours, +and coming this way too.' 'How very odd!' says the lady, in a languid +tone, 'I thought he had been at Dover.' The gentleman coming up, and +speaking to all the other ladies and nodding slightly to his wife, it +turns out that he has been at Dover, and has just now returned. 'What a +strange creature you are!' cries his wife; 'and what on earth brought you +here, I wonder?' 'I came to look after you, _of course_,' rejoins her +husband. This is so pleasant a jest that the lady is mightily amused, as +are all the other ladies similarly situated who are within hearing; and +while they are enjoying it to the full, the gentleman nods again, turns +upon his heel, and saunters away. + +There are times, however, when his company is not so agreeable, though +equally unexpected; such as when the lady has invited one or two +particular friends to tea and scandal, and he happens to come home in the +very midst of their diversion. It is a hundred chances to one that he +remains in the house half an hour, but the lady is rather disturbed by +the intrusion, notwithstanding, and reasons within herself,--'I am sure I +never interfere with him, and why should he interfere with me? It can +scarcely be accidental; it never happens that I have a particular reason +for not wishing him to come home, but he always comes. It's very +provoking and tiresome; and I am sure when he leaves me so much alone for +his own pleasure, the least he could do would be to do as much for mine.' +Observing what passes in her mind, the gentleman, who has come home for +his own accommodation, makes a merit of it with himself; arrives at the +conclusion that it is the very last place in which he can hope to be +comfortable; and determines, as he takes up his hat and cane, never to be +so virtuous again. + +Thus a great many cool couples go on until they are cold couples, and the +grave has closed over their folly and indifference. Loss of name, +station, character, life itself, has ensued from causes as slight as +these, before now; and when gossips tell such tales, and aggravate their +deformities, they elevate their hands and eyebrows, and call each other +to witness what a cool couple Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so always were, even in +the best of times. + + + +THE PLAUSIBLE COUPLE + + +The plausible couple have many titles. They are 'a delightful couple,' +an 'affectionate couple,' 'a most agreeable couple, 'a good-hearted +couple,' and 'the best-natured couple in existence.' The truth is, that +the plausible couple are people of the world; and either the way of +pleasing the world has grown much easier than it was in the days of the +old man and his ass, or the old man was but a bad hand at it, and knew +very little of the trade. + +'But is it really possible to please the world!' says some doubting +reader. It is indeed. Nay, it is not only very possible, but very easy. +The ways are crooked, and sometimes foul and low. What then? A man need +but crawl upon his hands and knees, know when to close his eyes and when +his ears, when to stoop and when to stand upright; and if by the world is +meant that atom of it in which he moves himself, he shall please it, +never fear. + +Now, it will be readily seen, that if a plausible man or woman have an +easy means of pleasing the world by an adaptation of self to all its +twistings and twinings, a plausible man _and_ woman, or, in other words, +a plausible couple, playing into each other's hands, and acting in +concert, have a manifest advantage. Hence it is that plausible couples +scarcely ever fail of success on a pretty large scale; and hence it is +that if the reader, laying down this unwieldy volume at the next full +stop, will have the goodness to review his or her circle of acquaintance, +and to search particularly for some man and wife with a large connexion +and a good name, not easily referable to their abilities or their wealth, +he or she (that is, the male or female reader) will certainly find that +gentleman or lady, on a very short reflection, to be a plausible couple. + +The plausible couple are the most ecstatic people living: the most +sensitive people--to merit--on the face of the earth. Nothing clever or +virtuous escapes them. They have microscopic eyes for such endowments, +and can find them anywhere. The plausible couple never fawn--oh no! +They don't even scruple to tell their friends of their faults. One is +too generous, another too candid; a third has a tendency to think all +people like himself, and to regard mankind as a company of angels; a +fourth is kind-hearted to a fault. 'We never flatter, my dear Mrs. +Jackson,' say the plausible couple; 'we speak our minds. Neither you nor +Mr. Jackson have faults enough. It may sound strangely, but it is true. +You have not faults enough. You know our way,--we must speak out, and +always do. Quarrel with us for saying so, if you will; but we repeat +it,--you have not faults enough!' + +The plausible couple are no less plausible to each other than to third +parties. They are always loving and harmonious. The plausible gentleman +calls his wife 'darling,' and the plausible lady addresses him as +'dearest.' If it be Mr. and Mrs. Bobtail Widger, Mrs. Widger is +'Lavinia, darling,' and Mr. Widger is 'Bobtail, dearest.' Speaking of +each other, they observe the same tender form. Mrs. Widger relates what +'Bobtail' said, and Mr. Widger recounts what 'darling' thought and did. + +If you sit next to the plausible lady at a dinner-table, she takes the +earliest opportunity of expressing her belief that you are acquainted +with the Clickits; she is sure she has heard the Clickits speak of +you--she must not tell you in what terms, or you will take her for a +flatterer. You admit a knowledge of the Clickits; the plausible lady +immediately launches out in their praise. She quite loves the Clickits. +Were there ever such true-hearted, hospitable, excellent people--such a +gentle, interesting little woman as Mrs. Clickit, or such a frank, +unaffected creature as Mr. Clickit? were there ever two people, in short, +so little spoiled by the world as they are? 'As who, darling?' cries Mr. +Widger, from the opposite side of the table. 'The Clickits, dearest,' +replies Mrs. Widger. 'Indeed you are right, darling,' Mr. Widger +rejoins; 'the Clickits are a very high-minded, worthy, estimable couple.' +Mrs. Widger remarking that Bobtail always grows quite eloquent upon this +subject, Mr. Widger admits that he feels very strongly whenever such +people as the Clickits and some other friends of his (here he glances at +the host and hostess) are mentioned; for they are an honour to human +nature, and do one good to think of. '_You_ know the Clickits, Mrs. +Jackson?' he says, addressing the lady of the house. 'No, indeed; we +have not that pleasure,' she replies. 'You astonish me!' exclaims Mr. +Widger: 'not know the Clickits! why, you are the very people of all +others who ought to be their bosom friends. You are kindred beings; you +are one and the same thing:--not know the Clickits! Now _will_ you know +the Clickits? Will you make a point of knowing them? Will you meet them +in a friendly way at our house one evening, and be acquainted with them?' +Mrs. Jackson will be quite delighted; nothing would give her more +pleasure. 'Then, Lavinia, my darling,' says Mr. Widger, 'mind you don't +lose sight of that; now, pray take care that Mr. and Mrs. Jackson know +the Clickits without loss of time. Such people ought not to be strangers +to each other.' Mrs. Widger books both families as the centre of +attraction for her next party; and Mr. Widger, going on to expatiate upon +the virtues of the Clickits, adds to their other moral qualities, that +they keep one of the neatest phaetons in town, and have two thousand a +year. + +As the plausible couple never laud the merits of any absent person, +without dexterously contriving that their praises shall reflect upon +somebody who is present, so they never depreciate anything or anybody, +without turning their depreciation to the same account. Their friend, +Mr. Slummery, say they, is unquestionably a clever painter, and would no +doubt be very popular, and sell his pictures at a very high price, if +that cruel Mr. Fithers had not forestalled him in his department of art, +and made it thoroughly and completely his own;--Fithers, it is to be +observed, being present and within hearing, and Slummery elsewhere. Is +Mrs. Tabblewick really as beautiful as people say? Why, there indeed you +ask them a very puzzling question, because there is no doubt that she is +a very charming woman, and they have long known her intimately. She is +no doubt beautiful, very beautiful; they once thought her the most +beautiful woman ever seen; still if you press them for an honest answer, +they are bound to say that this was before they had ever seen our lovely +friend on the sofa, (the sofa is hard by, and our lovely friend can't +help hearing the whispers in which this is said;) since that time, +perhaps, they have been hardly fair judges; Mrs. Tabblewick is no doubt +extremely handsome,--very like our friend, in fact, in the form of the +features,--but in point of expression, and soul, and figure, and air +altogether--oh dear! + +But while the plausible couple depreciate, they are still careful to +preserve their character for amiability and kind feeling; indeed the +depreciation itself is often made to grow out of their excessive sympathy +and good will. The plausible lady calls on a lady who dotes upon her +children, and is sitting with a little girl upon her knee, enraptured by +her artless replies, and protesting that there is nothing she delights in +so much as conversing with these fairies; when the other lady inquires if +she has seen young Mrs. Finching lately, and whether the baby has turned +out a finer one than it promised to be. 'Oh dear!' cries the plausible +lady, 'you cannot think how often Bobtail and I have talked about poor +Mrs. Finching--she is such a dear soul, and was so anxious that the baby +should be a fine child--and very naturally, because she was very much +here at one time, and there is, you know, a natural emulation among +mothers--that it is impossible to tell you how much we have felt for +her.' 'Is it weak or plain, or what?' inquires the other. 'Weak or +plain, my love,' returns the plausible lady, 'it's a fright--a perfect +little fright; you never saw such a miserable creature in all your days. +Positively you must not let her see one of these beautiful dears again, +or you'll break her heart, you will indeed.--Heaven bless this child, see +how she is looking in my face! can you conceive anything prettier than +that? If poor Mrs. Finching could only hope--but that's impossible--and +the gifts of Providence, you know--What _did_ I do with my +pocket-handkerchief!' + +What prompts the mother, who dotes upon her children, to comment to her +lord that evening on the plausible lady's engaging qualities and feeling +heart, and what is it that procures Mr. and Mrs. Bobtail Widger an +immediate invitation to dinner? + + + +THE NICE LITTLE COUPLE + + +A custom once prevailed in old-fashioned circles, that when a lady or +gentleman was unable to sing a song, he or she should enliven the company +with a story. As we find ourself in the predicament of not being able to +describe (to our own satisfaction) nice little couples in the abstract, +we purpose telling in this place a little story about a nice little +couple of our acquaintance. + +Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup are the nice little couple in question. Mr. Chirrup +has the smartness, and something of the brisk, quick manner of a small +bird. Mrs. Chirrup is the prettiest of all little women, and has the +prettiest little figure conceivable. She has the neatest little foot, +and the softest little voice, and the pleasantest little smile, and the +tidiest little curls, and the brightest little eyes, and the quietest +little manner, and is, in short, altogether one of the most engaging of +all little women, dead or alive. She is a condensation of all the +domestic virtues,--a pocket edition of the young man's best companion,--a +little woman at a very high pressure, with an amazing quantity of +goodness and usefulness in an exceedingly small space. Little as she is, +Mrs. Chirrup might furnish forth matter for the moral equipment of a +score of housewives, six feet high in their stockings--if, in the +presence of ladies, we may be allowed the expression--and of +corresponding robustness. + +Nobody knows all this better than Mr. Chirrup, though he rather takes on +that he don't. Accordingly he is very proud of his better-half, and +evidently considers himself, as all other people consider him, rather +fortunate in having her to wife. We say evidently, because Mr. Chirrup +is a warm-hearted little fellow; and if you catch his eye when he has +been slyly glancing at Mrs. Chirrup in company, there is a certain +complacent twinkle in it, accompanied, perhaps, by a half-expressed toss +of the head, which as clearly indicates what has been passing in his mind +as if he had put it into words, and shouted it out through a +speaking-trumpet. Moreover, Mr. Chirrup has a particularly mild and +bird-like manner of calling Mrs. Chirrup 'my dear;' and--for he is of a +jocose turn--of cutting little witticisms upon her, and making her the +subject of various harmless pleasantries, which nobody enjoys more +thoroughly than Mrs. Chirrup herself. Mr. Chirrup, too, now and then +affects to deplore his bachelor-days, and to bemoan (with a marvellously +contented and smirking face) the loss of his freedom, and the sorrow of +his heart at having been taken captive by Mrs. Chirrup--all of which +circumstances combine to show the secret triumph and satisfaction of Mr. +Chirrup's soul. + +We have already had occasion to observe that Mrs. Chirrup is an +incomparable housewife. In all the arts of domestic arrangement and +management, in all the mysteries of confectionery-making, pickling, and +preserving, never was such a thorough adept as that nice little body. +She is, besides, a cunning worker in muslin and fine linen, and a special +hand at marketing to the very best advantage. But if there be one branch +of housekeeping in which she excels to an utterly unparalleled and +unprecedented extent, it is in the important one of carving. A roast +goose is universally allowed to be the great stumbling-block in the way +of young aspirants to perfection in this department of science; many +promising carvers, beginning with legs of mutton, and preserving a good +reputation through fillets of veal, sirloins of beef, quarters of lamb, +fowls, and even ducks, have sunk before a roast goose, and lost caste and +character for ever. To Mrs. Chirrup the resolving a goose into its +smallest component parts is a pleasant pastime--a practical joke--a thing +to be done in a minute or so, without the smallest interruption to the +conversation of the time. No handing the dish over to an unfortunate man +upon her right or left, no wild sharpening of the knife, no hacking and +sawing at an unruly joint, no noise, no splash, no heat, no leaving off +in despair; all is confidence and cheerfulness. The dish is set upon the +table, the cover is removed; for an instant, and only an instant, you +observe that Mrs. Chirrup's attention is distracted; she smiles, but +heareth not. You proceed with your story; meanwhile the glittering knife +is slowly upraised, both Mrs. Chirrup's wrists are slightly but not +ungracefully agitated, she compresses her lips for an instant, then +breaks into a smile, and all is over. The legs of the bird slide gently +down into a pool of gravy, the wings seem to melt from the body, the +breast separates into a row of juicy slices, the smaller and more +complicated parts of his anatomy are perfectly developed, a cavern of +stuffing is revealed, and the goose is gone! + +To dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup is one of the pleasantest things in the +world. Mr. Chirrup has a bachelor friend, who lived with him in his own +days of single blessedness, and to whom he is mightily attached. +Contrary to the usual custom, this bachelor friend is no less a friend of +Mrs. Chirrup's, and, consequently, whenever you dine with Mr. and Mrs. +Chirrup, you meet the bachelor friend. It would put any +reasonably-conditioned mortal into good-humour to observe the entire +unanimity which subsists between these three; but there is a quiet +welcome dimpling in Mrs. Chirrup's face, a bustling hospitality oozing as +it were out of the waistcoat-pockets of Mr. Chirrup, and a patronising +enjoyment of their cordiality and satisfaction on the part of the +bachelor friend, which is quite delightful. On these occasions Mr. +Chirrup usually takes an opportunity of rallying the friend on being +single, and the friend retorts on Mr. Chirrup for being married, at which +moments some single young ladies present are like to die of laughter; and +we have more than once observed them bestow looks upon the friend, which +convinces us that his position is by no means a safe one, as, indeed, we +hold no bachelor's to be who visits married friends and cracks jokes on +wedlock, for certain it is that such men walk among traps and nets and +pitfalls innumerable, and often find themselves down upon their knees at +the altar rails, taking M. or N. for their wedded wives, before they know +anything about the matter. + +However, this is no business of Mr. Chirrup's, who talks, and laughs, and +drinks his wine, and laughs again, and talks more, until it is time to +repair to the drawing-room, where, coffee served and over, Mrs. Chirrup +prepares for a round game, by sorting the nicest possible little fish +into the nicest possible little pools, and calling Mr. Chirrup to assist +her, which Mr. Chirrup does. As they stand side by side, you find that +Mr. Chirrup is the least possible shadow of a shade taller than Mrs. +Chirrup, and that they are the neatest and best-matched little couple +that can be, which the chances are ten to one against your observing with +such effect at any other time, unless you see them in the street +arm-in-arm, or meet them some rainy day trotting along under a very small +umbrella. The round game (at which Mr. Chirrup is the merriest of the +party) being done and over, in course of time a nice little tray appears, +on which is a nice little supper; and when that is finished likewise, and +you have said 'Good night,' you find yourself repeating a dozen times, as +you ride home, that there never was such a nice little couple as Mr. and +Mrs. Chirrup. + +Whether it is that pleasant qualities, being packed more closely in small +bodies than in large, come more readily to hand than when they are +diffused over a wider space, and have to be gathered together for use, we +don't know, but as a general rule,--strengthened like all other rules by +its exceptions,--we hold that little people are sprightly and +good-natured. The more sprightly and good-natured people we have, the +better; therefore, let us wish well to all nice little couples, and hope +that they may increase and multiply. + + + +THE EGOTISTICAL COUPLE + + +Egotism in couples is of two kinds.--It is our purpose to show this by +two examples. + +The egotistical couple may be young, old, middle-aged, well to do, or ill +to do; they may have a small family, a large family, or no family at all. +There is no outward sign by which an egotistical couple may be known and +avoided. They come upon you unawares; there is no guarding against them. +No man can of himself be forewarned or forearmed against an egotistical +couple. + +The egotistical couple have undergone every calamity, and experienced +every pleasurable and painful sensation of which our nature is +susceptible. You cannot by possibility tell the egotistical couple +anything they don't know, or describe to them anything they have not +felt. They have been everything but dead. Sometimes we are tempted to +wish they had been even that, but only in our uncharitable moments, which +are few and far between. + +We happened the other day, in the course of a morning call, to encounter +an egotistical couple, nor were we suffered to remain long in ignorance +of the fact, for our very first inquiry of the lady of the house brought +them into active and vigorous operation. The inquiry was of course +touching the lady's health, and the answer happened to be, that she had +not been very well. 'Oh, my dear!' said the egotistical lady, 'don't +talk of not being well. We have been in _such_ a state since we saw you +last!'--The lady of the house happening to remark that her lord had not +been well either, the egotistical gentleman struck in: 'Never let Briggs +complain of not being well--never let Briggs complain, my dear Mrs. +Briggs, after what I have undergone within these six weeks. He doesn't +know what it is to be ill, he hasn't the least idea of it; not the +faintest conception.'--'My dear,' interposed his wife smiling, 'you talk +as if it were almost a crime in Mr. Briggs not to have been as ill as we +have been, instead of feeling thankful to Providence that both he and our +dear Mrs. Briggs are in such blissful ignorance of real suffering.'--'My +love,' returned the egotistical gentleman, in a low and pious voice, 'you +mistake me;--I feel grateful--very grateful. I trust our friends may +never purchase their experience as dearly as we have bought ours; I hope +they never may!' + +Having put down Mrs. Briggs upon this theme, and settled the question +thus, the egotistical gentleman turned to us, and, after a few +preliminary remarks, all tending towards and leading up to the point he +had in his mind, inquired if we happened to be acquainted with the +Dowager Lady Snorflerer. On our replying in the negative, he presumed we +had often met Lord Slang, or beyond all doubt, that we were on intimate +terms with Sir Chipkins Glogwog. Finding that we were equally unable to +lay claim to either of these distinctions, he expressed great +astonishment, and turning to his wife with a retrospective smile, +inquired who it was that had told that capital story about the mashed +potatoes. 'Who, my dear?' returned the egotistical lady, 'why Sir +Chipkins, of course; how can you ask! Don't you remember his applying it +to our cook, and saying that you and I were so like the Prince and +Princess, that he could almost have sworn we were they?' 'To be sure, I +remember that,' said the egotistical gentleman, 'but are you quite +certain that didn't apply to the other anecdote about the Emperor of +Austria and the pump?' 'Upon my word then, I think it did,' replied his +wife. 'To be sure it did,' said the egotistical gentleman, 'it was +Slang's story, I remember now, perfectly.' However, it turned out, a few +seconds afterwards, that the egotistical gentleman's memory was rather +treacherous, as he began to have a misgiving that the story had been told +by the Dowager Lady Snorflerer the very last time they dined there; but +there appearing, on further consideration, strong circumstantial evidence +tending to show that this couldn't be, inasmuch as the Dowager Lady +Snorflerer had been, on the occasion in question, wholly engrossed by the +egotistical lady, the egotistical gentleman recanted this opinion; and +after laying the story at the doors of a great many great people, happily +left it at last with the Duke of Scuttlewig:--observing that it was not +extraordinary he had forgotten his Grace hitherto, as it often happened +that the names of those with whom we were upon the most familiar footing +were the very last to present themselves to our thoughts. + +It not only appeared that the egotistical couple knew everybody, but that +scarcely any event of importance or notoriety had occurred for many years +with which they had not been in some way or other connected. Thus we +learned that when the well-known attempt upon the life of George the +Third was made by Hatfield in Drury Lane theatre, the egotistical +gentleman's grandfather sat upon his right hand and was the first man who +collared him; and that the egotistical lady's aunt, sitting within a few +boxes of the royal party, was the only person in the audience who heard +his Majesty exclaim, 'Charlotte, Charlotte, don't be frightened, don't be +frightened; they're letting off squibs, they're letting off squibs.' +When the fire broke out, which ended in the destruction of the two Houses +of Parliament, the egotistical couple, being at the time at a +drawing-room window on Blackheath, then and there simultaneously +exclaimed, to the astonishment of a whole party--'It's the House of +Lords!' Nor was this a solitary instance of their peculiar discernment, +for chancing to be (as by a comparison of dates and circumstances they +afterwards found) in the same omnibus with Mr. Greenacre, when he carried +his victim's head about town in a blue bag, they both remarked a singular +twitching in the muscles of his countenance; and walking down Fish Street +Hill, a few weeks since, the egotistical gentleman said to his +lady--slightly casting up his eyes to the top of the Monument--'There's a +boy up there, my dear, reading a Bible. It's very strange. I don't like +it.--In five seconds afterwards, Sir,' says the egotistical gentleman, +bringing his hands together with one violent clap--'the lad was over!' + +Diversifying these topics by the introduction of many others of the same +kind, and entertaining us between whiles with a minute account of what +weather and diet agreed with them, and what weather and diet disagreed +with them, and at what time they usually got up, and at what time went to +bed, with many other particulars of their domestic economy too numerous +to mention; the egotistical couple at length took their leave, and +afforded us an opportunity of doing the same. + +Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone are an egotistical couple of another class, for +all the lady's egotism is about her husband, and all the gentleman's +about his wife. For example:--Mr. Sliverstone is a clerical gentleman, +and occasionally writes sermons, as clerical gentlemen do. If you happen +to obtain admission at the street-door while he is so engaged, Mrs. +Sliverstone appears on tip-toe, and speaking in a solemn whisper, as if +there were at least three or four particular friends up-stairs, all upon +the point of death, implores you to be very silent, for Mr. Sliverstone +is composing, and she need not say how very important it is that he +should not be disturbed. Unwilling to interrupt anything so serious, you +hasten to withdraw, with many apologies; but this Mrs. Sliverstone will +by no means allow, observing, that she knows you would like to see him, +as it is very natural you should, and that she is determined to make a +trial for you, as you are a great favourite. So you are led +up-stairs--still on tip-toe--to the door of a little back room, in which, +as the lady informs you in a whisper, Mr. Sliverstone always writes. No +answer being returned to a couple of soft taps, the lady opens the door, +and there, sure enough, is Mr. Sliverstone, with dishevelled hair, +powdering away with pen, ink, and paper, at a rate which, if he has any +power of sustaining it, would settle the longest sermon in no time. At +first he is too much absorbed to be roused by this intrusion; but +presently looking up, says faintly, 'Ah!' and pointing to his desk with a +weary and languid smile, extends his hand, and hopes you'll forgive him. +Then Mrs. Sliverstone sits down beside him, and taking his hand in hers, +tells you how that Mr. Sliverstone has been shut up there ever since nine +o'clock in the morning, (it is by this time twelve at noon,) and how she +knows it cannot be good for his health, and is very uneasy about it. +Unto this Mr. Sliverstone replies firmly, that 'It must be done;' which +agonizes Mrs. Sliverstone still more, and she goes on to tell you that +such were Mr. Sliverstone's labours last week--what with the buryings, +marryings, churchings, christenings, and all together,--that when he was +going up the pulpit stairs on Sunday evening, he was obliged to hold on +by the rails, or he would certainly have fallen over into his own pew. +Mr. Sliverstone, who has been listening and smiling meekly, says, 'Not +quite so bad as that, not quite so bad!' he admits though, on +cross-examination, that he _was_ very near falling upon the verger who +was following him up to bolt the door; but adds, that it was his duty as +a Christian to fall upon him, if need were, and that he, Mr. Sliverstone, +and (possibly the verger too) ought to glory in it. + +This sentiment communicates new impulse to Mrs. Sliverstone, who launches +into new praises of Mr. Sliverstone's worth and excellence, to which he +listens in the same meek silence, save when he puts in a word of +self-denial relative to some question of fact, as--'Not seventy-two +christenings that week, my dear. Only seventy-one, only seventy-one.' +At length his lady has quite concluded, and then he says, Why should he +repine, why should he give way, why should he suffer his heart to sink +within him? Is it he alone who toils and suffers? What has she gone +through, he should like to know? What does she go through every day for +him and for society? + +With such an exordium Mr. Sliverstone launches out into glowing praises +of the conduct of Mrs. Sliverstone in the production of eight young +children, and the subsequent rearing and fostering of the same; and thus +the husband magnifies the wife, and the wife the husband. + +This would be well enough if Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone kept it to +themselves, or even to themselves and a friend or two; but they do not. +The more hearers they have, the more egotistical the couple become, and +the more anxious they are to make believers in their merits. Perhaps +this is the worst kind of egotism. It has not even the poor excuse of +being spontaneous, but is the result of a deliberate system and malice +aforethought. Mere empty-headed conceit excites our pity, but +ostentatious hypocrisy awakens our disgust. + + + +THE COUPLE WHO CODDLE THEMSELVES + + +Mrs. Merrywinkle's maiden name was Chopper. She was the only child of +Mr. and Mrs. Chopper. Her father died when she was, as the play-books +express it, 'yet an infant;' and so old Mrs. Chopper, when her daughter +married, made the house of her son-in-law her home from that time +henceforth, and set up her staff of rest with Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle. + +Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle are a couple who coddle themselves; and the +venerable Mrs. Chopper is an aider and abettor in the same. + +Mr. Merrywinkle is a rather lean and long-necked gentleman, middle-aged +and middle-sized, and usually troubled with a cold in the head. Mrs. +Merrywinkle is a delicate-looking lady, with very light hair, and is +exceedingly subject to the same unpleasant disorder. The venerable Mrs. +Chopper--who is strictly entitled to the appellation, her daughter not +being very young, otherwise than by courtesy, at the time of her +marriage, which was some years ago--is a mysterious old lady who lurks +behind a pair of spectacles, and is afflicted with a chronic disease, +respecting which she has taken a vast deal of medical advice, and +referred to a vast number of medical books, without meeting any +definition of symptoms that at all suits her, or enables her to say, +'That's my complaint.' Indeed, the absence of authentic information upon +the subject of this complaint would seem to be Mrs. Chopper's greatest +ill, as in all other respects she is an uncommonly hale and hearty +gentlewoman. + +Both Mr. and Mrs. Chopper wear an extraordinary quantity of flannel, and +have a habit of putting their feet in hot water to an unnatural extent. +They likewise indulge in chamomile tea and such-like compounds, and rub +themselves on the slightest provocation with camphorated spirits and +other lotions applicable to mumps, sore-throat, rheumatism, or lumbago. + +Mr. Merrywinkle's leaving home to go to business on a damp or wet morning +is a very elaborate affair. He puts on wash-leather socks over his +stockings, and India-rubber shoes above his boots, and wears under his +waistcoat a cuirass of hare-skin. Besides these precautions, he winds a +thick shawl round his throat, and blocks up his mouth with a large silk +handkerchief. Thus accoutred, and furnished besides with a great-coat +and umbrella, he braves the dangers of the streets; travelling in severe +weather at a gentle trot, the better to preserve the circulation, and +bringing his mouth to the surface to take breath, but very seldom, and +with the utmost caution. His office-door opened, he shoots past his +clerk at the same pace, and diving into his own private room, closes the +door, examines the window-fastenings, and gradually unrobes himself: +hanging his pocket-handkerchief on the fender to air, and determining to +write to the newspapers about the fog, which, he says, 'has really got to +that pitch that it is quite unbearable.' + +In this last opinion Mrs. Merrywinkle and her respected mother fully +concur; for though not present, their thoughts and tongues are occupied +with the same subject, which is their constant theme all day. If anybody +happens to call, Mrs. Merrywinkle opines that they must assuredly be mad, +and her first salutation is, 'Why, what in the name of goodness can bring +you out in such weather? You know you _must_ catch your death.' This +assurance is corroborated by Mrs. Chopper, who adds, in further +confirmation, a dismal legend concerning an individual of her +acquaintance who, making a call under precisely parallel circumstances, +and being then in the best health and spirits, expired in forty-eight +hours afterwards, of a complication of inflammatory disorders. The +visitor, rendered not altogether comfortable perhaps by this and other +precedents, inquires very affectionately after Mr. Merrywinkle, but by so +doing brings about no change of the subject; for Mr. Merrywinkle's name +is inseparably connected with his complaints, and his complaints are +inseparably connected with Mrs. Merrywinkle's; and when these are done +with, Mrs. Chopper, who has been biding her time, cuts in with the +chronic disorder--a subject upon which the amiable old lady never leaves +off speaking until she is left alone, and very often not then. + +But Mr. Merrywinkle comes home to dinner. He is received by Mrs. +Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper, who, on his remarking that he thinks his +feet are damp, turn pale as ashes and drag him up-stairs, imploring him +to have them rubbed directly with a dry coarse towel. Rubbed they are, +one by Mrs. Merrywinkle and one by Mrs. Chopper, until the friction +causes Mr. Merrywinkle to make horrible faces, and look as if he had been +smelling very powerful onions; when they desist, and the patient, +provided for his better security with thick worsted stockings and list +slippers, is borne down-stairs to dinner. Now, the dinner is always a +good one, the appetites of the diners being delicate, and requiring a +little of what Mrs. Merrywinkle calls 'tittivation;' the secret of which +is understood to lie in good cookery and tasteful spices, and which +process is so successfully performed in the present instance, that both +Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle eat a remarkably good dinner, and even the +afflicted Mrs. Chopper wields her knife and fork with much of the spirit +and elasticity of youth. But Mr. Merrywinkle, in his desire to gratify +his appetite, is not unmindful of his health, for he has a bottle of +carbonate of soda with which to qualify his porter, and a little pair of +scales in which to weigh it out. Neither in his anxiety to take care of +his body is he unmindful of the welfare of his immortal part, as he +always prays that for what he is going to receive he may be made truly +thankful; and in order that he may be as thankful as possible, eats and +drinks to the utmost. + +Either from eating and drinking so much, or from being the victim of this +constitutional infirmity, among others, Mr. Merrywinkle, after two or +three glasses of wine, falls fast asleep; and he has scarcely closed his +eyes, when Mrs. Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper fall asleep likewise. It is +on awakening at tea-time that their most alarming symptoms prevail; for +then Mr. Merrywinkle feels as if his temples were tightly bound round +with the chain of the street-door, and Mrs. Merrywinkle as if she had +made a hearty dinner of half-hundredweights, and Mrs. Chopper as if cold +water were running down her back, and oyster-knives with sharp points +were plunging of their own accord into her ribs. Symptoms like these are +enough to make people peevish, and no wonder that they remain so until +supper-time, doing little more than doze and complain, unless Mr. +Merrywinkle calls out very loudly to a servant 'to keep that draught +out,' or rushes into the passage to flourish his fist in the countenance +of the twopenny-postman, for daring to give such a knock as he had just +performed at the door of a private gentleman with nerves. + +Supper, coming after dinner, should consist of some gentle provocative; +and therefore the tittivating art is again in requisition, and +again--done honour to by Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, still comforted and +abetted by Mrs. Chopper. After supper, it is ten to one but the +last-named old lady becomes worse, and is led off to bed with the chronic +complaint in full vigour. Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, having administered +to her a warm cordial, which is something of the strongest, then repair +to their own room, where Mr. Merrywinkle, with his legs and feet in hot +water, superintends the mulling of some wine which he is to drink at the +very moment he plunges into bed, while Mrs. Merrywinkle, in garments +whose nature is unknown to and unimagined by all but married men, takes +four small pills with a spasmodic look between each, and finally comes to +something hot and fragrant out of another little saucepan, which serves +as her composing-draught for the night. + +There is another kind of couple who coddle themselves, and who do so at a +cheaper rate and on more spare diet, because they are niggardly and +parsimonious; for which reason they are kind enough to coddle their +visitors too. It is unnecessary to describe them, for our readers may +rest assured of the accuracy of these general principles:--that all +couples who coddle themselves are selfish and slothful,--that they charge +upon every wind that blows, every rain that falls, and every vapour that +hangs in the air, the evils which arise from their own imprudence or the +gloom which is engendered in their own tempers,--and that all men and +women, in couples or otherwise, who fall into exclusive habits of +self-indulgence, and forget their natural sympathy and close connexion +with everybody and everything in the world around them, not only neglect +the first duty of life, but, by a happy retributive justice, deprive +themselves of its truest and best enjoyment. + + + +THE OLD COUPLE + + +They are grandfather and grandmother to a dozen grown people and have +great-grandchildren besides; their bodies are bent, their hair is grey, +their step tottering and infirm. Is this the lightsome pair whose +wedding was so merry, and have the young couple indeed grown old so soon! + +It seems but yesterday--and yet what a host of cares and griefs are +crowded into the intervening time which, reckoned by them, lengthens out +into a century! How many new associations have wreathed themselves about +their hearts since then! The old time is gone, and a new time has come +for others--not for them. They are but the rusting link that feebly +joins the two, and is silently loosening its hold and dropping asunder. + +It seems but yesterday--and yet three of their children have sunk into +the grave, and the tree that shades it has grown quite old. One was an +infant--they wept for him; the next a girl, a slight young thing too +delicate for earth--her loss was hard indeed to bear. The third, a man. +That was the worst of all, but even that grief is softened now. + +It seems but yesterday--and yet how the gay and laughing faces of that +bright morning have changed and vanished from above ground! Faint +likenesses of some remain about them yet, but they are very faint and +scarcely to be traced. The rest are only seen in dreams, and even they +are unlike what they were, in eyes so old and dim. + +One or two dresses from the bridal wardrobe are yet preserved. They are +of a quaint and antique fashion, and seldom seen except in pictures. +White has turned yellow, and brighter hues have faded. Do you wonder, +child? The wrinkled face was once as smooth as yours, the eyes as +bright, the shrivelled skin as fair and delicate. It is the work of +hands that have been dust these many years. + +Where are the fairy lovers of that happy day whose annual return comes +upon the old man and his wife, like the echo of some village bell which +has long been silent? Let yonder peevish bachelor, racked by rheumatic +pains, and quarrelling with the world, let him answer to the question. +He recollects something of a favourite playmate; her name was Lucy--so +they tell him. He is not sure whether she was married, or went abroad, +or died. It is a long while ago, and he don't remember. + +Is nothing as it used to be; does no one feel, or think, or act, as in +days of yore? Yes. There is an aged woman who once lived servant with +the old lady's father, and is sheltered in an alms-house not far off. +She is still attached to the family, and loves them all; she nursed the +children in her lap, and tended in their sickness those who are no more. +Her old mistress has still something of youth in her eyes; the young +ladies are like what she was but not quite so handsome, nor are the +gentlemen as stately as Mr. Harvey used to be. She has seen a great deal +of trouble; her husband and her son died long ago; but she has got over +that, and is happy now--quite happy. + +If ever her attachment to her old protectors were disturbed by fresher +cares and hopes, it has long since resumed its former current. It has +filled the void in the poor creature's heart, and replaced the love of +kindred. Death has not left her alone, and this, with a roof above her +head, and a warm hearth to sit by, makes her cheerful and contented. +Does she remember the marriage of great-grandmamma? Ay, that she does, +as well--as if it was only yesterday. You wouldn't think it to look at +her now, and perhaps she ought not to say so of herself, but she was as +smart a young girl then as you'd wish to see. She recollects she took a +friend of hers up-stairs to see Miss Emma dressed for church; her name +was--ah! she forgets the name, but she remembers that she was a very +pretty girl, and that she married not long afterwards, and lived--it has +quite passed out of her mind where she lived, but she knows she had a bad +husband who used her ill, and that she died in Lambeth work-house. Dear, +dear, in Lambeth workhouse! + +And the old couple--have they no comfort or enjoyment of existence? See +them among their grandchildren and great-grandchildren; how garrulous +they are, how they compare one with another, and insist on likenesses +which no one else can see; how gently the old lady lectures the girls on +points of breeding and decorum, and points the moral by anecdotes of +herself in her young days--how the old gentleman chuckles over boyish +feats and roguish tricks, and tells long stories of a 'barring-out' +achieved at the school he went to: which was very wrong, he tells the +boys, and never to be imitated of course, but which he cannot help +letting them know was very pleasant too--especially when he kissed the +master's niece. This last, however, is a point on which the old lady is +very tender, for she considers it a shocking and indelicate thing to talk +about, and always says so whenever it is mentioned, never failing to +observe that he ought to be very penitent for having been so sinful. So +the old gentleman gets no further, and what the schoolmaster's niece said +afterwards (which he is always going to tell) is lost to posterity. + +The old gentleman is eighty years old, to-day--'Eighty years old, Crofts, +and never had a headache,' he tells the barber who shaves him (the barber +being a young fellow, and very subject to that complaint). 'That's a +great age, Crofts,' says the old gentleman. 'I don't think it's sich a +wery great age, Sir,' replied the barber. 'Crofts,' rejoins the old +gentleman, 'you're talking nonsense to me. Eighty not a great age?' +'It's a wery great age, Sir, for a gentleman to be as healthy and active +as you are,' returns the barber; 'but my grandfather, Sir, he was +ninety-four.' 'You don't mean that, Crofts?' says the old gentleman. 'I +do indeed, Sir,' retorts the barber, 'and as wiggerous as Julius Caesar, +my grandfather was.' The old gentleman muses a little time, and then +says, 'What did he die of, Crofts?' 'He died accidentally, Sir,' returns +the barber; 'he didn't mean to do it. He always would go a running about +the streets--walking never satisfied _his_ spirit--and he run against a +post and died of a hurt in his chest.' The old gentleman says no more +until the shaving is concluded, and then he gives Crofts half-a-crown to +drink his health. He is a little doubtful of the barber's veracity +afterwards, and telling the anecdote to the old lady, affects to make +very light of it--though to be sure (he adds) there was old Parr, and in +some parts of England, ninety-five or so is a common age, quite a common +age. + +This morning the old couple are cheerful but serious, recalling old times +as well as they can remember them, and dwelling upon many passages in +their past lives which the day brings to mind. The old lady reads aloud, +in a tremulous voice, out of a great Bible, and the old gentleman with +his hand to his ear, listens with profound respect. When the book is +closed, they sit silent for a short space, and afterwards resume their +conversation, with a reference perhaps to their dead children, as a +subject not unsuited to that they have just left. By degrees they are +led to consider which of those who survive are the most like those +dearly-remembered objects, and so they fall into a less solemn strain, +and become cheerful again. + +How many people in all, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and one or +two intimate friends of the family, dine together to-day at the eldest +son's to congratulate the old couple, and wish them many happy returns, +is a calculation beyond our powers; but this we know, that the old couple +no sooner present themselves, very sprucely and carefully attired, than +there is a violent shouting and rushing forward of the younger branches +with all manner of presents, such as pocket-books, pencil-cases, +pen-wipers, watch-papers, pin-cushions, sleeve-buckles, worked-slippers, +watch-guards, and even a nutmeg-grater: the latter article being +presented by a very chubby and very little boy, who exhibits it in great +triumph as an extraordinary variety. The old couple's emotion at these +tokens of remembrance occasions quite a pathetic scene, of which the +chief ingredients are a vast quantity of kissing and hugging, and +repeated wipings of small eyes and noses with small square +pocket-handkerchiefs, which don't come at all easily out of small +pockets. Even the peevish bachelor is moved, and he says, as he presents +the old gentleman with a queer sort of antique ring from his own finger, +that he'll be de'ed if he doesn't think he looks younger than he did ten +years ago. + +But the great time is after dinner, when the dessert and wine are on the +table, which is pushed back to make plenty of room, and they are all +gathered in a large circle round the fire, for it is then--the glasses +being filled, and everybody ready to drink the toast--that two +great-grandchildren rush out at a given signal, and presently return, +dragging in old Jane Adams leaning upon her crutched stick, and trembling +with age and pleasure. Who so popular as poor old Jane, nurse and +story-teller in ordinary to two generations; and who so happy as she, +striving to bend her stiff limbs into a curtsey, while tears of pleasure +steal down her withered cheeks! + +The old couple sit side by side, and the old time seems like yesterday +indeed. Looking back upon the path they have travelled, its dust and +ashes disappear; the flowers that withered long ago, show brightly again +upon its borders, and they grow young once more in the youth of those +about them. + + + +CONCLUSION + + +We have taken for the subjects of the foregoing moral essays, twelve +samples of married couples, carefully selected from a large stock on +hand, open to the inspection of all comers. These samples are intended +for the benefit of the rising generation of both sexes, and, for their +more easy and pleasant information, have been separately ticketed and +labelled in the manner they have seen. + +We have purposely excluded from consideration the couple in which the +lady reigns paramount and supreme, holding such cases to be of a very +unnatural kind, and like hideous births and other monstrous deformities, +only to be discreetly and sparingly exhibited. + +And here our self-imposed task would have ended, but that to those young +ladies and gentlemen who are yet revolving singly round the church, +awaiting the advent of that time when the mysterious laws of attraction +shall draw them towards it in couples, we are desirous of addressing a +few last words. + +Before marriage and afterwards, let them learn to centre all their hopes +of real and lasting happiness in their own fireside; let them cherish the +faith that in home, and all the English virtues which the love of home +engenders, lies the only true source of domestic felicity; let them +believe that round the household gods, contentment and tranquillity +cluster in their gentlest and most graceful forms; and that many weary +hunters of happiness through the noisy world, have learnt this truth too +late, and found a cheerful spirit and a quiet mind only at home at last. + +How much may depend on the education of daughters and the conduct of +mothers; how much of the brightest part of our old national character may +be perpetuated by their wisdom or frittered away by their folly--how much +of it may have been lost already, and how much more in danger of +vanishing every day--are questions too weighty for discussion here, but +well deserving a little serious consideration from all young couples +nevertheless. + +To that one young couple on whose bright destiny the thoughts of nations +are fixed, may the youth of England look, and not in vain, for an +example. From that one young couple, blessed and favoured as they are, +may they learn that even the glare and glitter of a court, the splendour +of a palace, and the pomp and glory of a throne, yield in their power of +conferring happiness, to domestic worth and virtue. From that one young +couple may they learn that the crown of a great empire, costly and +jewelled though it be, gives place in the estimation of a Queen to the +plain gold ring that links her woman's nature to that of tens of +thousands of her humble subjects, and guards in her woman's heart one +secret store of tenderness, whose proudest boast shall be that it knows +no Royalty save Nature's own, and no pride of birth but being the child +of heaven! + +So shall the highest young couple in the land for once hear the truth, +when men throw up their caps, and cry with loving shouts-- + + GOD BLESS THEM. + + + + +THE MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES + + +PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE--ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG + + +Mudfog is a pleasant town--a remarkably pleasant town--situated in a +charming hollow by the side of a river, from which river, Mudfog derives +an agreeable scent of pitch, tar, coals, and rope-yarn, a roving +population in oilskin hats, a pretty steady influx of drunken bargemen, +and a great many other maritime advantages. There is a good deal of +water about Mudfog, and yet it is not exactly the sort of town for a +watering-place, either. Water is a perverse sort of element at the best +of times, and in Mudfog it is particularly so. In winter, it comes +oozing down the streets and tumbling over the fields,--nay, rushes into +the very cellars and kitchens of the houses, with a lavish prodigality +that might well be dispensed with; but in the hot summer weather it +_will_ dry up, and turn green: and, although green is a very good colour +in its way, especially in grass, still it certainly is not becoming to +water; and it cannot be denied that the beauty of Mudfog is rather +impaired, even by this trifling circumstance. Mudfog is a healthy +place--very healthy;--damp, perhaps, but none the worse for that. It's +quite a mistake to suppose that damp is unwholesome: plants thrive best +in damp situations, and why shouldn't men? The inhabitants of Mudfog are +unanimous in asserting that there exists not a finer race of people on +the face of the earth; here we have an indisputable and veracious +contradiction of the vulgar error at once. So, admitting Mudfog to be +damp, we distinctly state that it is salubrious. + +The town of Mudfog is extremely picturesque. Limehouse and Ratcliff +Highway are both something like it, but they give you a very faint idea +of Mudfog. There are a great many more public-houses in Mudfog--more +than in Ratcliff Highway and Limehouse put together. The public +buildings, too, are very imposing. We consider the town-hall one of the +finest specimens of shed architecture, extant: it is a combination of the +pig-sty and tea-garden-box orders; and the simplicity of its design is of +surpassing beauty. The idea of placing a large window on one side of the +door, and a small one on the other, is particularly happy. There is a +fine old Doric beauty, too, about the padlock and scraper, which is +strictly in keeping with the general effect. + +In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assemble together in +solemn council for the public weal. Seated on the massive wooden +benches, which, with the table in the centre, form the only furniture of +the whitewashed apartment, the sage men of Mudfog spend hour after hour +in grave deliberation. Here they settle at what hour of the night the +public-houses shall be closed, at what hour of the morning they shall be +permitted to open, how soon it shall be lawful for people to eat their +dinner on church-days, and other great political questions; and +sometimes, long after silence has fallen on the town, and the distant +lights from the shops and houses have ceased to twinkle, like far-off +stars, to the sight of the boatmen on the river, the illumination in the +two unequal-sized windows of the town-hall, warns the inhabitants of +Mudfog that its little body of legislators, like a larger and +better-known body of the same genus, a great deal more noisy, and not a +whit more profound, are patriotically dozing away in company, far into +the night, for their country's good. + +Among this knot of sage and learned men, no one was so eminently +distinguished, during many years, for the quiet modesty of his appearance +and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the well-known coal-dealer. +However exciting the subject of discussion, however animated the tone of +the debate, or however warm the personalities exchanged, (and even in +Mudfog we get personal sometimes,) Nicholas Tulrumble was always the +same. To say truth, Nicholas, being an industrious man, and always up +betimes, was apt to fall asleep when a debate began, and to remain asleep +till it was over, when he would wake up very much refreshed, and give his +vote with the greatest complacency. The fact was, that Nicholas +Tulrumble, knowing that everybody there had made up his mind beforehand, +considered the talking as just a long botheration about nothing at all; +and to the present hour it remains a question, whether, on this point at +all events, Nicholas Tulrumble was not pretty near right. + +Time, which strews a man's head with silver, sometimes fills his pockets +with gold. As he gradually performed one good office for Nicholas +Tulrumble, he was obliging enough, not to omit the other. Nicholas began +life in a wooden tenement of four feet square, with a capital of two and +ninepence, and a stock in trade of three bushels and a-half of coals, +exclusive of the large lump which hung, by way of sign-board, outside. +Then he enlarged the shed, and kept a truck; then he left the shed, and +the truck too, and started a donkey and a Mrs. Tulrumble; then he moved +again and set up a cart; the cart was soon afterwards exchanged for a +waggon; and so he went on like his great predecessor Whittington--only +without a cat for a partner--increasing in wealth and fame, until at last +he gave up business altogether, and retired with Mrs. Tulrumble and +family to Mudfog Hall, which he had himself erected, on something which +he attempted to delude himself into the belief was a hill, about a +quarter of a mile distant from the town of Mudfog. + +About this time, it began to be murmured in Mudfog that Nicholas +Tulrumble was growing vain and haughty; that prosperity and success had +corrupted the simplicity of his manners, and tainted the natural goodness +of his heart; in short, that he was setting up for a public character, +and a great gentleman, and affected to look down upon his old companions +with compassion and contempt. Whether these reports were at the time +well-founded, or not, certain it is that Mrs. Tulrumble very shortly +afterwards started a four-wheel chaise, driven by a tall postilion in a +yellow cap,--that Mr. Tulrumble junior took to smoking cigars, and +calling the footman a 'feller,'--and that Mr. Tulrumble from that time +forth, was no more seen in his old seat in the chimney-corner of the +Lighterman's Arms at night. This looked bad; but, more than this, it +began to be observed that Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble attended the corporation +meetings more frequently than heretofore; and he no longer went to sleep +as he had done for so many years, but propped his eyelids open with his +two forefingers; that he read the newspapers by himself at home; and that +he was in the habit of indulging abroad in distant and mysterious +allusions to 'masses of people,' and 'the property of the country,' and +'productive power,' and 'the monied interest:' all of which denoted and +proved that Nicholas Tulrumble was either mad, or worse; and it puzzled +the good people of Mudfog amazingly. + +At length, about the middle of the month of October, Mr. Tulrumble and +family went up to London; the middle of October being, as Mrs. Tulrumble +informed her acquaintance in Mudfog, the very height of the fashionable +season. + +Somehow or other, just about this time, despite the health-preserving air +of Mudfog, the Mayor died. It was a most extraordinary circumstance; he +had lived in Mudfog for eighty-five years. The corporation didn't +understand it at all; indeed it was with great difficulty that one old +gentleman, who was a great stickler for forms, was dissuaded from +proposing a vote of censure on such unaccountable conduct. Strange as it +was, however, die he did, without taking the slightest notice of the +corporation; and the corporation were imperatively called upon to elect +his successor. So, they met for the purpose; and being very full of +Nicholas Tulrumble just then, and Nicholas Tulrumble being a very +important man, they elected him, and wrote off to London by the very next +post to acquaint Nicholas Tulrumble with his new elevation. + +Now, it being November time, and Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble being in the +capital, it fell out that he was present at the Lord Mayor's show and +dinner, at sight of the glory and splendour whereof, he, Mr. Tulrumble, +was greatly mortified, inasmuch as the reflection would force itself on +his mind, that, had he been born in London instead of in Mudfog, he might +have been a Lord Mayor too, and have patronized the judges, and been +affable to the Lord Chancellor, and friendly with the Premier, and coldly +condescending to the Secretary to the Treasury, and have dined with a +flag behind his back, and done a great many other acts and deeds which +unto Lord Mayors of London peculiarly appertain. The more he thought of +the Lord Mayor, the more enviable a personage he seemed. To be a King +was all very well; but what was the King to the Lord Mayor! When the +King made a speech, everybody knew it was somebody else's writing; +whereas here was the Lord Mayor, talking away for half an hour-all out of +his own head--amidst the enthusiastic applause of the whole company, +while it was notorious that the King might talk to his parliament till he +was black in the face without getting so much as a single cheer. As all +these reflections passed through the mind of Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble, the +Lord Mayor of London appeared to him the greatest sovereign on the face +of the earth, beating the Emperor of Russia all to nothing, and leaving +the Great Mogul immeasurably behind. + +Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering over these things, and inwardly +cursing the fate which had pitched his coal-shed in Mudfog, when the +letter of the corporation was put into his hand. A crimson flush mantled +over his face as he read it, for visions of brightness were already +dancing before his imagination. + +'My dear,' said Mr. Tulrumble to his wife, 'they have elected me, Mayor +of Mudfog.' + +'Lor-a-mussy!' said Mrs. Tulrumble: 'why what's become of old Sniggs?' + +'The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble,' said Mr. Tulrumble sharply, for he +by no means approved of the notion of unceremoniously designating a +gentleman who filled the high office of Mayor, as 'Old Sniggs,'--'The +late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble, is dead.' + +The communication was very unexpected; but Mrs. Tulrumble only ejaculated +'Lor-a-mussy!' once again, as if a Mayor were a mere ordinary Christian, +at which Mr. Tulrumble frowned gloomily. + +'What a pity 'tan't in London, ain't it?' said Mrs. Tulrumble, after a +short pause; 'what a pity 'tan't in London, where you might have had a +show.' + +'I _might_ have a show in Mudfog, if I thought proper, I apprehend,' said +Mr. Tulrumble mysteriously. + +'Lor! so you might, I declare,' replied Mrs. Tulrumble. + +'And a good one too,' said Mr. Tulrumble. + +'Delightful!' exclaimed Mrs. Tulrumble. + +'One which would rather astonish the ignorant people down there,' said +Mr. Tulrumble. + +'It would kill them with envy,' said Mrs. Tulrumble. + +So it was agreed that his Majesty's lieges in Mudfog should be astonished +with splendour, and slaughtered with envy, and that such a show should +take place as had never been seen in that town, or in any other town +before,--no, not even in London itself. + +On the very next day after the receipt of the letter, down came the tall +postilion in a post-chaise,--not upon one of the horses, but +inside--actually inside the chaise,--and, driving up to the very door of +the town-hall, where the corporation were assembled, delivered a letter, +written by the Lord knows who, and signed by Nicholas Tulrumble, in which +Nicholas said, all through four sides of closely-written, gilt-edged, +hot-pressed, Bath post letter paper, that he responded to the call of his +fellow-townsmen with feelings of heartfelt delight; that he accepted the +arduous office which their confidence had imposed upon him; that they +would never find him shrinking from the discharge of his duty; that he +would endeavour to execute his functions with all that dignity which +their magnitude and importance demanded; and a great deal more to the +same effect. But even this was not all. The tall postilion produced +from his right-hand top-boot, a damp copy of that afternoon's number of +the county paper; and there, in large type, running the whole length of +the very first column, was a long address from Nicholas Tulrumble to the +inhabitants of Mudfog, in which he said that he cheerfully complied with +their requisition, and, in short, as if to prevent any mistake about the +matter, told them over again what a grand fellow he meant to be, in very +much the same terms as those in which he had already told them all about +the matter in his letter. + +The corporation stared at one another very hard at all this, and then +looked as if for explanation to the tall postilion, but as the tall +postilion was intently contemplating the gold tassel on the top of his +yellow cap, and could have afforded no explanation whatever, even if his +thoughts had been entirely disengaged, they contented themselves with +coughing very dubiously, and looking very grave. The tall postilion then +delivered another letter, in which Nicholas Tulrumble informed the +corporation, that he intended repairing to the town-hall, in grand state +and gorgeous procession, on the Monday afternoon next ensuing. At this +the corporation looked still more solemn; but, as the epistle wound up +with a formal invitation to the whole body to dine with the Mayor on that +day, at Mudfog Hall, Mudfog Hill, Mudfog, they began to see the fun of +the thing directly, and sent back their compliments, and they'd be sure +to come. + +Now there happened to be in Mudfog, as somehow or other there does happen +to be, in almost every town in the British dominions, and perhaps in +foreign dominions too--we think it very likely, but, being no great +traveller, cannot distinctly say--there happened to be, in Mudfog, a +merry-tempered, pleasant-faced, good-for-nothing sort of vagabond, with +an invincible dislike to manual labour, and an unconquerable attachment +to strong beer and spirits, whom everybody knew, and nobody, except his +wife, took the trouble to quarrel with, who inherited from his ancestors +the appellation of Edward Twigger, and rejoiced in the _sobriquet_ of +Bottle-nosed Ned. He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent +upon an equally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, +he was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication. He was +a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, a sharp wit, +and a ready head, and could turn his hand to anything when he chose to do +it. He was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would +work away at a cricket-match by the day together,--running, and catching, +and batting, and bowling, and revelling in toil which would exhaust a +galley-slave. He would have been invaluable to a fire-office; never was +a man with such a natural taste for pumping engines, running up ladders, +and throwing furniture out of two-pair-of-stairs' windows: nor was this +the only element in which he was at home; he was a humane society in +himself, a portable drag, an animated life-preserver, and had saved more +people, in his time, from drowning, than the Plymouth life-boat, or +Captain Manby's apparatus. With all these qualifications, +notwithstanding his dissipation, Bottle-nosed Ned was a general +favourite; and the authorities of Mudfog, remembering his numerous +services to the population, allowed him in return to get drunk in his own +way, without the fear of stocks, fine, or imprisonment. He had a general +licence, and he showed his sense of the compliment by making the most of +it. + +We have been thus particular in describing the character and avocations +of Bottle-nosed Ned, because it enables us to introduce a fact politely, +without hauling it into the reader's presence with indecent haste by the +head and shoulders, and brings us very naturally to relate, that on the +very same evening on which Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble and family returned to +Mudfog, Mr. Tulrumble's new secretary, just imported from London, with a +pale face and light whiskers, thrust his head down to the very bottom of +his neckcloth-tie, in at the tap-room door of the Lighterman's Arms, and +inquiring whether one Ned Twigger was luxuriating within, announced +himself as the bearer of a message from Nicholas Tulrumble, Esquire, +requiring Mr. Twigger's immediate attendance at the hall, on private and +particular business. It being by no means Mr. Twigger's interest to +affront the Mayor, he rose from the fireplace with a slight sigh, and +followed the light-whiskered secretary through the dirt and wet of Mudfog +streets, up to Mudfog Hall, without further ado. + +Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in a small cavern with a skylight, +which he called his library, sketching out a plan of the procession on a +large sheet of paper; and into the cavern the secretary ushered Ned +Twigger. + +'Well, Twigger!' said Nicholas Tulrumble, condescendingly. + +There was a time when Twigger would have replied, 'Well, Nick!' but that +was in the days of the truck, and a couple of years before the donkey; +so, he only bowed. + +'I want you to go into training, Twigger,' said Mr. Tulrumble. + +'What for, sir?' inquired Ned, with a stare. + +'Hush, hush, Twigger!' said the Mayor. 'Shut the door, Mr. Jennings. +Look here, Twigger.' + +As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a high closet, and disclosed a +complete suit of brass armour, of gigantic dimensions. + +'I want you to wear this next Monday, Twigger,' said the Mayor. + +'Bless your heart and soul, sir!' replied Ned, 'you might as well ask me +to wear a seventy-four pounder, or a cast-iron boiler.' + +'Nonsense, Twigger, nonsense!' said the Mayor. + +'I couldn't stand under it, sir,' said Twigger; 'it would make mashed +potatoes of me, if I attempted it.' + +'Pooh, pooh, Twigger!' returned the Mayor. 'I tell you I have seen it +done with my own eyes, in London, and the man wasn't half such a man as +you are, either.' + +'I should as soon have thought of a man's wearing the case of an +eight-day clock to save his linen,' said Twigger, casting a look of +apprehension at the brass suit. + +'It's the easiest thing in the world,' rejoined the Mayor. + +'It's nothing,' said Mr. Jennings. + +'When you're used to it,' added Ned. + +'You do it by degrees,' said the Mayor. 'You would begin with one piece +to-morrow, and two the next day, and so on, till you had got it all on. +Mr. Jennings, give Twigger a glass of rum. Just try the breast-plate, +Twigger. Stay; take another glass of rum first. Help me to lift it, Mr. +Jennings. Stand firm, Twigger! There!--it isn't half as heavy as it +looks, is it?' + +Twigger was a good strong, stout fellow; so, after a great deal of +staggering, he managed to keep himself up, under the breastplate, and +even contrived, with the aid of another glass of rum, to walk about in +it, and the gauntlets into the bargain. He made a trial of the helmet, +but was not equally successful, inasmuch as he tipped over instantly,--an +accident which Mr. Tulrumble clearly demonstrated to be occasioned by his +not having a counteracting weight of brass on his legs. + +'Now, wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next,' said Tulrumble, +'and I'll make your fortune.' + +'I'll try what I can do, sir,' said Twigger. + +'It must be kept a profound secret,' said Tulrumble. + +'Of course, sir,' replied Twigger. + +'And you must be sober,' said Tulrumble; 'perfectly sober.' Mr. Twigger +at once solemnly pledged himself to be as sober as a judge, and Nicholas +Tulrumble was satisfied, although, had we been Nicholas, we should +certainly have exacted some promise of a more specific nature; inasmuch +as, having attended the Mudfog assizes in the evening more than once, we +can solemnly testify to having seen judges with very strong symptoms of +dinner under their wigs. However, that's neither here nor there. + +The next day, and the day following, and the day after that, Ned Twigger +was securely locked up in the small cavern with the sky-light, hard at +work at the armour. With every additional piece he could manage to stand +upright in, he had an additional glass of rum; and at last, after many +partial suffocations, he contrived to get on the whole suit, and to +stagger up and down the room in it, like an intoxicated effigy from +Westminster Abbey. + +Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble; never was woman so +charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble's wife. Here was a sight for the common +people of Mudfog! A live man in brass armour! Why, they would go wild +with wonder! + +The day--_the_ Monday--arrived. + +If the morning had been made to order, it couldn't have been better +adapted to the purpose. They never showed a better fog in London on Lord +Mayor's day, than enwrapped the town of Mudfog on that eventful occasion. +It had risen slowly and surely from the green and stagnant water with the +first light of morning, until it reached a little above the lamp-post +tops; and there it had stopped, with a sleepy, sluggish obstinacy, which +bade defiance to the sun, who had got up very blood-shot about the eyes, +as if he had been at a drinking-party over-night, and was doing his day's +work with the worst possible grace. The thick damp mist hung over the +town like a huge gauze curtain. All was dim and dismal. The church +steeples had bidden a temporary adieu to the world below; and every +object of lesser importance--houses, barns, hedges, trees, and +barges--had all taken the veil. + +The church-clock struck one. A cracked trumpet from the front garden of +Mudfog Hall produced a feeble flourish, as if some asthmatic person had +coughed into it accidentally; the gate flew open, and out came a +gentleman, on a moist-sugar coloured charger, intended to represent a +herald, but bearing a much stronger resemblance to a court-card on +horseback. This was one of the Circus people, who always came down to +Mudfog at that time of the year, and who had been engaged by Nicholas +Tulrumble expressly for the occasion. There was the horse, whisking his +tail about, balancing himself on his hind-legs, and flourishing away with +his fore-feet, in a manner which would have gone to the hearts and souls +of any reasonable crowd. But a Mudfog crowd never was a reasonable one, +and in all probability never will be. Instead of scattering the very fog +with their shouts, as they ought most indubitably to have done, and were +fully intended to do, by Nicholas Tulrumble, they no sooner recognized +the herald, than they began to growl forth the most unqualified +disapprobation at the bare notion of his riding like any other man. If +he had come out on his head indeed, or jumping through a hoop, or flying +through a red-hot drum, or even standing on one leg with his other foot +in his mouth, they might have had something to say to him; but for a +professional gentleman to sit astride in the saddle, with his feet in the +stirrups, was rather too good a joke. So, the herald was a decided +failure, and the crowd hooted with great energy, as he pranced +ingloriously away. + +On the procession came. We are afraid to say how many supernumeraries +there were, in striped shirts and black velvet caps, to imitate the +London watermen, or how many base imitations of running-footmen, or how +many banners, which, owing to the heaviness of the atmosphere, could by +no means be prevailed on to display their inscriptions: still less do we +feel disposed to relate how the men who played the wind instruments, +looking up into the sky (we mean the fog) with musical fervour, walked +through pools of water and hillocks of mud, till they covered the +powdered heads of the running-footmen aforesaid with splashes, that +looked curious, but not ornamental; or how the barrel-organ performer put +on the wrong stop, and played one tune while the band played another; or +how the horses, being used to the arena, and not to the streets, would +stand still and dance, instead of going on and prancing;--all of which +are matters which might be dilated upon to great advantage, but which we +have not the least intention of dilating upon, notwithstanding. + +Oh! it was a grand and beautiful sight to behold a corporation in glass +coaches, provided at the sole cost and charge of Nicholas Tulrumble, +coming rolling along, like a funeral out of mourning, and to watch the +attempts the corporation made to look great and solemn, when Nicholas +Tulrumble himself, in the four-wheel chaise, with the tall postilion, +rolled out after them, with Mr. Jennings on one side to look like a +chaplain, and a supernumerary on the other, with an old life-guardsman's +sabre, to imitate the sword-bearer; and to see the tears rolling down the +faces of the mob as they screamed with merriment. This was beautiful! +and so was the appearance of Mrs. Tulrumble and son, as they bowed with +grave dignity out of their coach-window to all the dirty faces that were +laughing around them: but it is not even with this that we have to do, +but with the sudden stopping of the procession at another blast of the +trumpet, whereat, and whereupon, a profound silence ensued, and all eyes +were turned towards Mudfog Hall, in the confident anticipation of some +new wonder. + +'They won't laugh now, Mr. Jennings,' said Nicholas Tulrumble. + +'I think not, sir,' said Mr. Jennings. + +'See how eager they look,' said Nicholas Tulrumble. 'Aha! the laugh will +be on our side now; eh, Mr. Jennings?' + +'No doubt of that, sir,' replied Mr. Jennings; and Nicholas Tulrumble, in +a state of pleasurable excitement, stood up in the four-wheel chaise, and +telegraphed gratification to the Mayoress behind. + +While all this was going forward, Ned Twigger had descended into the +kitchen of Mudfog Hall for the purpose of indulging the servants with a +private view of the curiosity that was to burst upon the town; and, +somehow or other, the footman was so companionable, and the housemaid so +kind, and the cook so friendly, that he could not resist the offer of the +first-mentioned to sit down and take something--just to drink success to +master in. + +So, down Ned Twigger sat himself in his brass livery on the top of the +kitchen-table; and in a mug of something strong, paid for by the +unconscious Nicholas Tulrumble, and provided by the companionable +footman, drank success to the Mayor and his procession; and, as Ned laid +by his helmet to imbibe the something strong, the companionable footman +put it on his own head, to the immeasurable and unrecordable delight of +the cook and housemaid. The companionable footman was very facetious to +Ned, and Ned was very gallant to the cook and housemaid by turns. They +were all very cosy and comfortable; and the something strong went briskly +round. + +At last Ned Twigger was loudly called for, by the procession people: and, +having had his helmet fixed on, in a very complicated manner, by the +companionable footman, and the kind housemaid, and the friendly cook, he +walked gravely forth, and appeared before the multitude. + +The crowd roared--it was not with wonder, it was not with surprise; it +was most decidedly and unquestionably with laughter. + +'What!' said Mr. Tulrumble, starting up in the four-wheel chaise. +'Laughing? If they laugh at a man in real brass armour, they'd laugh +when their own fathers were dying. Why doesn't he go into his place, Mr. +Jennings? What's he rolling down towards us for? he has no business +here!' + +'I am afraid, sir--' faltered Mr. Jennings. + +'Afraid of what, sir?' said Nicholas Tulrumble, looking up into the +secretary's face. + +'I am afraid he's drunk, sir,' replied Mr. Jennings. + +Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at the extraordinary figure that was +bearing down upon them; and then, clasping his secretary by the arm, +uttered an audible groan in anguish of spirit. + +It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigger having full licence to demand a +single glass of rum on the putting on of every piece of the armour, got, +by some means or other, rather out of his calculation in the hurry and +confusion of preparation, and drank about four glasses to a piece instead +of one, not to mention the something strong which went on the top of it. +Whether the brass armour checked the natural flow of perspiration, and +thus prevented the spirit from evaporating, we are not scientific enough +to know; but, whatever the cause was, Mr. Twigger no sooner found himself +outside the gate of Mudfog Hall, than he also found himself in a very +considerable state of intoxication; and hence his extraordinary style of +progressing. This was bad enough, but, as if fate and fortune had +conspired against Nicholas Tulrumble, Mr. Twigger, not having been +penitent for a good calendar month, took it into his head to be most +especially and particularly sentimental, just when his repentance could +have been most conveniently dispensed with. Immense tears were rolling +down his cheeks, and he was vainly endeavouring to conceal his grief by +applying to his eyes a blue cotton pocket-handkerchief with white +spots,--an article not strictly in keeping with a suit of armour some +three hundred years old, or thereabouts. + +'Twigger, you villain!' said Nicholas Tulrumble, quite forgetting his +dignity, 'go back.' + +'Never,' said Ned. 'I'm a miserable wretch. I'll never leave you.' + +The by-standers of course received this declaration with acclamations of +'That's right, Ned; don't!' + +'I don't intend it,' said Ned, with all the obstinacy of a very tipsy +man. 'I'm very unhappy. I'm the wretched father of an unfortunate +family; but I am very faithful, sir. I'll never leave you.' Having +reiterated this obliging promise, Ned proceeded in broken words to +harangue the crowd upon the number of years he had lived in Mudfog, the +excessive respectability of his character, and other topics of the like +nature. + +'Here! will anybody lead him away?' said Nicholas: 'if they'll call on me +afterwards, I'll reward them well.' + +Two or three men stepped forward, with the view of bearing Ned off, when +the secretary interposed. + +'Take care! take care!' said Mr. Jennings. 'I beg your pardon, sir; but +they'd better not go too near him, because, if he falls over, he'll +certainly crush somebody.' + +At this hint the crowd retired on all sides to a very respectful +distance, and left Ned, like the Duke of Devonshire, in a little circle +of his own. + +'But, Mr. Jennings,' said Nicholas Tulrumble, 'he'll be suffocated.' + +'I'm very sorry for it, sir,' replied Mr. Jennings; 'but nobody can get +that armour off, without his own assistance. I'm quite certain of it +from the way he put it on.' + +Here Ned wept dolefully, and shook his helmeted head, in a manner that +might have touched a heart of stone; but the crowd had not hearts of +stone, and they laughed heartily. + +'Dear me, Mr. Jennings,' said Nicholas, turning pale at the possibility +of Ned's being smothered in his antique costume--'Dear me, Mr. Jennings, +can nothing be done with him?' + +'Nothing at all,' replied Ned, 'nothing at all. Gentlemen, I'm an +unhappy wretch. I'm a body, gentlemen, in a brass coffin.' At this +poetical idea of his own conjuring up, Ned cried so much that the people +began to get sympathetic, and to ask what Nicholas Tulrumble meant by +putting a man into such a machine as that; and one individual in a hairy +waistcoat like the top of a trunk, who had previously expressed his +opinion that if Ned hadn't been a poor man, Nicholas wouldn't have dared +do it, hinted at the propriety of breaking the four-wheel chaise, or +Nicholas's head, or both, which last compound proposition the crowd +seemed to consider a very good notion. + +It was not acted upon, however, for it had hardly been broached, when Ned +Twigger's wife made her appearance abruptly in the little circle before +noticed, and Ned no sooner caught a glimpse of her face and form, than +from the mere force of habit he set off towards his home just as fast as +his legs could carry him; and that was not very quick in the present +instance either, for, however ready they might have been to carry _him_, +they couldn't get on very well under the brass armour. So, Mrs. Twigger +had plenty of time to denounce Nicholas Tulrumble to his face: to express +her opinion that he was a decided monster; and to intimate that, if her +ill-used husband sustained any personal damage from the brass armour, she +would have the law of Nicholas Tulrumble for manslaughter. When she had +said all this with due vehemence, she posted after Ned, who was dragging +himself along as best he could, and deploring his unhappiness in most +dismal tones. + +What a wailing and screaming Ned's children raised when he got home at +last! Mrs. Twigger tried to undo the armour, first in one place, and +then in another, but she couldn't manage it; so she tumbled Ned into bed, +helmet, armour, gauntlets, and all. Such a creaking as the bedstead +made, under Ned's weight in his new suit! It didn't break down though; +and there Ned lay, like the anonymous vessel in the Bay of Biscay, till +next day, drinking barley-water, and looking miserable: and every time he +groaned, his good lady said it served him right, which was all the +consolation Ned Twigger got. + +Nicholas Tulrumble and the gorgeous procession went on together to the +town-hall, amid the hisses and groans of all the spectators, who had +suddenly taken it into their heads to consider poor Ned a martyr. +Nicholas was formally installed in his new office, in acknowledgment of +which ceremony he delivered himself of a speech, composed by the +secretary, which was very long, and no doubt very good, only the noise of +the people outside prevented anybody from hearing it, but Nicholas +Tulrumble himself. After which, the procession got back to Mudfog Hall +any how it could; and Nicholas and the corporation sat down to dinner. + +But the dinner was flat, and Nicholas was disappointed. They were such +dull sleepy old fellows, that corporation. Nicholas made quite as long +speeches as the Lord Mayor of London had done, nay, he said the very same +things that the Lord Mayor of London had said, and the deuce a cheer the +corporation gave him. There was only one man in the party who was +thoroughly awake; and he was insolent, and called him Nick. Nick! What +would be the consequence, thought Nicholas, of anybody presuming to call +the Lord Mayor of London 'Nick!' He should like to know what the +sword-bearer would say to that; or the recorder, or the toast-master, or +any other of the great officers of the city. They'd nick him. + +But these were not the worst of Nicholas Tulrumble's doings. If they had +been, he might have remained a Mayor to this day, and have talked till he +lost his voice. He contracted a relish for statistics, and got +philosophical; and the statistics and the philosophy together, led him +into an act which increased his unpopularity and hastened his downfall. + +At the very end of the Mudfog High-street, and abutting on the +river-side, stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashioned low-roofed, +bay-windowed house, with a bar, kitchen, and tap-room all in one, and a +large fireplace with a kettle to correspond, round which the working men +have congregated time out of mind on a winter's night, refreshed by +draughts of good strong beer, and cheered by the sounds of a fiddle and +tambourine: the Jolly Boatmen having been duly licensed by the Mayor and +corporation, to scrape the fiddle and thumb the tambourine from time, +whereof the memory of the oldest inhabitants goeth not to the contrary. +Now Nicholas Tulrumble had been reading pamphlets on crime, and +parliamentary reports,--or had made the secretary read them to him, which +is the same thing in effect,--and he at once perceived that this fiddle +and tambourine must have done more to demoralize Mudfog, than any other +operating causes that ingenuity could imagine. So he read up for the +subject, and determined to come out on the corporation with a burst, the +very next time the licence was applied for. + +The licensing day came, and the red-faced landlord of the Jolly Boatmen +walked into the town-hall, looking as jolly as need be, having actually +put on an extra fiddle for that night, to commemorate the anniversary of +the Jolly Boatmen's music licence. It was applied for in due form, and +was just about to be granted as a matter of course, when up rose Nicholas +Tulrumble, and drowned the astonished corporation in a torrent of +eloquence. He descanted in glowing terms upon the increasing depravity +of his native town of Mudfog, and the excesses committed by its +population. Then, he related how shocked he had been, to see barrels of +beer sliding down into the cellar of the Jolly Boatmen week after week; +and how he had sat at a window opposite the Jolly Boatmen for two days +together, to count the people who went in for beer between the hours of +twelve and one o'clock alone--which, by-the-bye, was the time at which +the great majority of the Mudfog people dined. Then, he went on to +state, how the number of people who came out with beer-jugs, averaged +twenty-one in five minutes, which, being multiplied by twelve, gave two +hundred and fifty-two people with beer-jugs in an hour, and multiplied +again by fifteen (the number of hours during which the house was open +daily) yielded three thousand seven hundred and eighty people with +beer-jugs per day, or twenty-six thousand four hundred and sixty people +with beer-jugs, per week. Then he proceeded to show that a tambourine +and moral degradation were synonymous terms, and a fiddle and vicious +propensities wholly inseparable. All these arguments he strengthened and +demonstrated by frequent references to a large book with a blue cover, +and sundry quotations from the Middlesex magistrates; and in the end, the +corporation, who were posed with the figures, and sleepy with the speech, +and sadly in want of dinner into the bargain, yielded the palm to +Nicholas Tulrumble, and refused the music licence to the Jolly Boatmen. + +But although Nicholas triumphed, his triumph was short. He carried on +the war against beer-jugs and fiddles, forgetting the time when he was +glad to drink out of the one, and to dance to the other, till the people +hated, and his old friends shunned him. He grew tired of the lonely +magnificence of Mudfog Hall, and his heart yearned towards the +Lighterman's Arms. He wished he had never set up as a public man, and +sighed for the good old times of the coal-shop, and the chimney corner. + +At length old Nicholas, being thoroughly miserable, took heart of grace, +paid the secretary a quarter's wages in advance, and packed him off to +London by the next coach. Having taken this step, he put his hat on his +head, and his pride in his pocket, and walked down to the old room at the +Lighterman's Arms. There were only two of the old fellows there, and +they looked coldly on Nicholas as he proffered his hand. + +'Are you going to put down pipes, Mr. Tulrumble?' said one. + +'Or trace the progress of crime to 'bacca?' growled another. + +'Neither,' replied Nicholas Tulrumble, shaking hands with them both, +whether they would or not. 'I've come down to say that I'm very sorry +for having made a fool of myself, and that I hope you'll give me up the +old chair, again.' + +The old fellows opened their eyes, and three or four more old fellows +opened the door, to whom Nicholas, with tears in his eyes, thrust out his +hand too, and told the same story. They raised a shout of joy, that made +the bells in the ancient church-tower vibrate again, and wheeling the old +chair into the warm corner, thrust old Nicholas down into it, and ordered +in the very largest-sized bowl of hot punch, with an unlimited number of +pipes, directly. + +The next day, the Jolly Boatmen got the licence, and the next night, old +Nicholas and Ned Twigger's wife led off a dance to the music of the +fiddle and tambourine, the tone of which seemed mightily improved by a +little rest, for they never had played so merrily before. Ned Twigger +was in the very height of his glory, and he danced hornpipes, and +balanced chairs on his chin, and straws on his nose, till the whole +company, including the corporation, were in raptures of admiration at the +brilliancy of his acquirements. + +Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn't make up his mind to be anything but +magnificent, so he went up to London and drew bills on his father; and +when he had overdrawn, and got into debt, he grew penitent, and came home +again. + +As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, and having had six weeks of public +life, never tried it any more. He went to sleep in the town-hall at the +very next meeting; and, in full proof of his sincerity, has requested us +to write this faithful narrative. We wish it could have the effect of +reminding the Tulrumbles of another sphere, that puffed-up conceit is not +dignity, and that snarling at the little pleasures they were once glad to +enjoy, because they would rather forget the times when they were of lower +station, renders them objects of contempt and ridicule. + +This is the first time we have published any of our gleanings from this +particular source. Perhaps, at some future period, we may venture to +open the chronicles of Mudfog. + + + +FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION +FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING + + +We have made the most unparalleled and extraordinary exertions to place +before our readers a complete and accurate account of the proceedings at +the late grand meeting of the Mudfog Association, holden in the town of +Mudfog; it affords us great happiness to lay the result before them, in +the shape of various communications received from our able, talented, and +graphic correspondent, expressly sent down for the purpose, who has +immortalized us, himself, Mudfog, and the association, all at one and the +same time. We have been, indeed, for some days unable to determine who +will transmit the greatest name to posterity; ourselves, who sent our +correspondent down; our correspondent, who wrote an account of the +matter; or the association, who gave our correspondent something to write +about. We rather incline to the opinion that we are the greatest man of +the party, inasmuch as the notion of an exclusive and authentic report +originated with us; this may be prejudice: it may arise from a +prepossession on our part in our own favour. Be it so. We have no doubt +that every gentleman concerned in this mighty assemblage is troubled with +the same complaint in a greater or less degree; and it is a consolation +to us to know that we have at least this feeling in common with the great +scientific stars, the brilliant and extraordinary luminaries, whose +speculations we record. + +We give our correspondent's letters in the order in which they reached +us. Any attempt at amalgamating them into one beautiful whole, would +only destroy that glowing tone, that dash of wildness, and rich vein of +picturesque interest, which pervade them throughout. + + '_Mudfog_, _Monday night_, _seven o'clock_. + +'We are in a state of great excitement here. Nothing is spoken of, but +the approaching meeting of the association. The inn-doors are thronged +with waiters anxiously looking for the expected arrivals; and the +numerous bills which are wafered up in the windows of private houses, +intimating that there are beds to let within, give the streets a very +animated and cheerful appearance, the wafers being of a great variety of +colours, and the monotony of printed inscriptions being relieved by every +possible size and style of hand-writing. It is confidently rumoured that +Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy have engaged three beds and a +sitting-room at the Pig and Tinder-box. I give you the rumour as it has +reached me; but I cannot, as yet, vouch for its accuracy. The moment I +have been enabled to obtain any certain information upon this interesting +point, you may depend upon receiving it.' + + '_Half-past seven_. + +I have just returned from a personal interview with the landlord of the +Pig and Tinder-box. He speaks confidently of the probability of +Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy taking up their residence at his house +during the sitting of the association, but denies that the beds have been +yet engaged; in which representation he is confirmed by the +chambermaid--a girl of artless manners, and interesting appearance. The +boots denies that it is at all likely that Professors Snore, Doze, and +Wheezy will put up here; but I have reason to believe that this man has +been suborned by the proprietor of the Original Pig, which is the +opposition hotel. Amidst such conflicting testimony it is difficult to +arrive at the real truth; but you may depend upon receiving authentic +information upon this point the moment the fact is ascertained. The +excitement still continues. A boy fell through the window of the +pastrycook's shop at the corner of the High-street about half an hour +ago, which has occasioned much confusion. The general impression is, +that it was an accident. Pray heaven it may prove so!' + + '_Tuesday_, _noon_. + +'At an early hour this morning the bells of all the churches struck seven +o'clock; the effect of which, in the present lively state of the town, +was extremely singular. While I was at breakfast, a yellow gig, drawn by +a dark grey horse, with a patch of white over his right eyelid, proceeded +at a rapid pace in the direction of the Original Pig stables; it is +currently reported that this gentleman has arrived here for the purpose +of attending the association, and, from what I have heard, I consider it +extremely probable, although nothing decisive is yet known regarding him. +You may conceive the anxiety with which we are all looking forward to the +arrival of the four o'clock coach this afternoon. + +'Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no outrage has yet +been committed, owing to the admirable discipline and discretion of the +police, who are nowhere to be seen. A barrel-organ is playing opposite +my window, and groups of people, offering fish and vegetables for sale, +parade the streets. With these exceptions everything is quiet, and I +trust will continue so.' + + '_Five o'clock_. + +'It is now ascertained, beyond all doubt, that Professors Snore, Doze, +and Wheezy will _not_ repair to the Pig and Tinder-box, but have actually +engaged apartments at the Original Pig. This intelligence is +_exclusive_; and I leave you and your readers to draw their own +inferences from it. Why Professor Wheezy, of all people in the world, +should repair to the Original Pig in preference to the Pig and +Tinder-box, it is not easy to conceive. The professor is a man who +should be above all such petty feelings. Some people here openly impute +treachery, and a distinct breach of faith to Professors Snore and Doze; +while others, again, are disposed to acquit them of any culpability in +the transaction, and to insinuate that the blame rests solely with +Professor Wheezy. I own that I incline to the latter opinion; and +although it gives me great pain to speak in terms of censure or +disapprobation of a man of such transcendent genius and acquirements, +still I am bound to say that, if my suspicions be well founded, and if +all the reports which have reached my ears be true, I really do not well +know what to make of the matter. + +'Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, arrived this +afternoon by the four o'clock stage. His complexion is a dark purple, +and he has a habit of sighing constantly. He looked extremely well, and +appeared in high health and spirits. Mr. Woodensconce also came down in +the same conveyance. The distinguished gentleman was fast asleep on his +arrival, and I am informed by the guard that he had been so the whole +way. He was, no doubt, preparing for his approaching fatigues; but what +gigantic visions must those be that flit through the brain of such a man +when his body is in a state of torpidity! + +'The influx of visitors increases every moment. I am told (I know not +how truly) that two post-chaises have arrived at the Original Pig within +the last half-hour, and I myself observed a wheelbarrow, containing three +carpet bags and a bundle, entering the yard of the Pig and Tinder-box no +longer ago than five minutes since. The people are still quietly +pursuing their ordinary occupations; but there is a wildness in their +eyes, and an unwonted rigidity in the muscles of their countenances, +which shows to the observant spectator that their expectations are +strained to the very utmost pitch. I fear, unless some very +extraordinary arrivals take place to-night, that consequences may arise +from this popular ferment, which every man of sense and feeling would +deplore.' + + '_Twenty minutes past six_. + +'I have just heard that the boy who fell through the pastrycook's window +last night has died of the fright. He was suddenly called upon to pay +three and sixpence for the damage done, and his constitution, it seems, +was not strong enough to bear up against the shock. The inquest, it is +said, will be held to-morrow.' + + '_Three-quarters part seven_. + +'Professors Muff and Nogo have just driven up to the hotel door; they at +once ordered dinner with great condescension. We are all very much +delighted with the urbanity of their manners, and the ease with which +they adapt themselves to the forms and ceremonies of ordinary life. +Immediately on their arrival they sent for the head waiter, and privately +requested him to purchase a live dog,--as cheap a one as he could meet +with,--and to send him up after dinner, with a pie-board, a knife and +fork, and a clean plate. It is conjectured that some experiments will be +tried upon the dog to-night; if any particulars should transpire, I will +forward them by express.' + + '_Half-past eight_. + +'The animal has been procured. He is a pug-dog, of rather intelligent +appearance, in good condition, and with very short legs. He has been +tied to a curtain-peg in a dark room, and is howling dreadfully.' + + '_Ten minutes to nine_. + +'The dog has just been rung for. With an instinct which would appear +almost the result of reason, the sagacious animal seized the waiter by +the calf of the leg when he approached to take him, and made a desperate, +though ineffectual resistance. I have not been able to procure admission +to the apartment occupied by the scientific gentlemen; but, judging from +the sounds which reached my ears when I stood upon the landing-place +outside the door, just now, I should be disposed to say that the dog had +retreated growling beneath some article of furniture, and was keeping the +professors at bay. This conjecture is confirmed by the testimony of the +ostler, who, after peeping through the keyhole, assures me that he +distinctly saw Professor Nogo on his knees, holding forth a small bottle +of prussic acid, to which the animal, who was crouched beneath an +arm-chair, obstinately declined to smell. You cannot imagine the +feverish state of irritation we are in, lest the interests of science +should be sacrificed to the prejudices of a brute creature, who is not +endowed with sufficient sense to foresee the incalculable benefits which +the whole human race may derive from so very slight a concession on his +part.' + + '_Nine o'clock_. + +'The dog's tail and ears have been sent down-stairs to be washed; from +which circumstance we infer that the animal is no more. His forelegs +have been delivered to the boots to be brushed, which strengthens the +supposition.' + + '_Half after ten_. + +'My feelings are so overpowered by what has taken place in the course of +the last hour and a half, that I have scarcely strength to detail the +rapid succession of events which have quite bewildered all those who are +cognizant of their occurrence. It appears that the pug-dog mentioned in +my last was surreptitiously obtained,--stolen, in fact,--by some person +attached to the stable department, from an unmarried lady resident in +this town. Frantic on discovering the loss of her favourite, the lady +rushed distractedly into the street, calling in the most heart-rending +and pathetic manner upon the passengers to restore her, her +Augustus,--for so the deceased was named, in affectionate remembrance of +a former lover of his mistress, to whom he bore a striking personal +resemblance, which renders the circumstances additionally affecting. I +am not yet in a condition to inform you what circumstance induced the +bereaved lady to direct her steps to the hotel which had witnessed the +last struggles of her _protege_. I can only state that she arrived +there, at the very instant when his detached members were passing through +the passage on a small tray. Her shrieks still reverberate in my ears! +I grieve to say that the expressive features of Professor Muff were much +scratched and lacerated by the injured lady; and that Professor Nogo, +besides sustaining several severe bites, has lost some handfuls of hair +from the same cause. It must be some consolation to these gentlemen to +know that their ardent attachment to scientific pursuits has alone +occasioned these unpleasant consequences; for which the sympathy of a +grateful country will sufficiently reward them. The unfortunate lady +remains at the Pig and Tinder-box, and up to this time is reported in a +very precarious state. + +'I need scarcely tell you that this unlooked-for catastrophe has cast a +damp and gloom upon us in the midst of our exhilaration; natural in any +case, but greatly enhanced in this, by the amiable qualities of the +deceased animal, who appears to have been much and deservedly respected +by the whole of his acquaintance.' + + '_Twelve o'clock_. + +'I take the last opportunity before sealing my parcel to inform you that +the boy who fell through the pastrycook's window is not dead, as was +universally believed, but alive and well. The report appears to have had +its origin in his mysterious disappearance. He was found half an hour +since on the premises of a sweet-stuff maker, where a raffle had been +announced for a second-hand seal-skin cap and a tambourine; and where--a +sufficient number of members not having been obtained at first--he had +patiently waited until the list was completed. This fortunate discovery +has in some degree restored our gaiety and cheerfulness. It is proposed +to get up a subscription for him without delay. + +'Everybody is nervously anxious to see what to-morrow will bring forth. +If any one should arrive in the course of the night, I have left strict +directions to be called immediately. I should have sat up, indeed, but +the agitating events of this day have been too much for me. + +'No news yet of either of the Professors Snore, Doze, or Wheezy. It is +very strange!' + + '_Wednesday afternoon_. + +'All is now over; and, upon one point at least, I am at length enabled to +set the minds of your readers at rest. The three professors arrived at +ten minutes after two o'clock, and, instead of taking up their quarters +at the Original Pig, as it was universally understood in the course of +yesterday that they would assuredly have done, drove straight to the Pig +and Tinder-box, where they threw off the mask at once, and openly +announced their intention of remaining. Professor Wheezy may reconcile +this very extraordinary conduct with _his_ notions of fair and equitable +dealing, but I would recommend Professor Wheezy to be cautious how he +presumes too far upon his well-earned reputation. How such a man as +Professor Snore, or, which is still more extraordinary, such an +individual as Professor Doze, can quietly allow himself to be mixed up +with such proceedings as these, you will naturally inquire. Upon this +head, rumour is silent; I have my speculations, but forbear to give +utterance to them just now.' + + '_Four o'clock_. + +'The town is filling fast; eighteenpence has been offered for a bed and +refused. Several gentlemen were under the necessity last night of +sleeping in the brick fields, and on the steps of doors, for which they +were taken before the magistrates in a body this morning, and committed +to prison as vagrants for various terms. One of these persons I +understand to be a highly-respectable tinker, of great practical skill, +who had forwarded a paper to the President of Section D. Mechanical +Science, on the construction of pipkins with copper bottoms and +safety-values, of which report speaks highly. The incarceration of this +gentleman is greatly to be regretted, as his absence will preclude any +discussion on the subject. + +'The bills are being taken down in all directions, and lodgings are being +secured on almost any terms. I have heard of fifteen shillings a week +for two rooms, exclusive of coals and attendance, but I can scarcely +believe it. The excitement is dreadful. I was informed this morning +that the civil authorities, apprehensive of some outbreak of popular +feeling, had commanded a recruiting sergeant and two corporals to be +under arms; and that, with the view of not irritating the people +unnecessarily by their presence, they had been requested to take up their +position before daybreak in a turnpike, distant about a quarter of a mile +from the town. The vigour and promptness of these measures cannot be too +highly extolled. + +'Intelligence has just been brought me, that an elderly female, in a +state of inebriety, has declared in the open street her intention to "do" +for Mr. Slug. Some statistical returns compiled by that gentleman, +relative to the consumption of raw spirituous liquors in this place, are +supposed to be the cause of the wretch's animosity. It is added that +this declaration was loudly cheered by a crowd of persons who had +assembled on the spot; and that one man had the boldness to designate Mr. +Slug aloud by the opprobrious epithet of "Stick-in-the-mud!" It is +earnestly to be hoped that now, when the moment has arrived for their +interference, the magistrates will not shrink from the exercise of that +power which is vested in them by the constitution of our common country.' + + '_Half-past ten_. + +'The disturbance, I am happy to inform you, has been completely quelled, +and the ringleader taken into custody. She had a pail of cold water +thrown over her, previous to being locked up, and expresses great +contrition and uneasiness. We are all in a fever of anticipation about +to-morrow; but, now that we are within a few hours of the meeting of the +association, and at last enjoy the proud consciousness of having its +illustrious members amongst us, I trust and hope everything may go off +peaceably. I shall send you a full report of to-morrow's proceedings by +the night coach.' + + '_Eleven o'clock_. + +'I open my letter to say that nothing whatever has occurred since I +folded it up.' + + '_Thursday_. + +'The sun rose this morning at the usual hour. I did not observe anything +particular in the aspect of the glorious planet, except that he appeared +to me (it might have been a delusion of my heightened fancy) to shine +with more than common brilliancy, and to shed a refulgent lustre upon the +town, such as I had never observed before. This is the more +extraordinary, as the sky was perfectly cloudless, and the atmosphere +peculiarly fine. At half-past nine o'clock the general committee +assembled, with the last year's president in the chair. The report of +the council was read; and one passage, which stated that the council had +corresponded with no less than three thousand five hundred and +seventy-one persons, (all of whom paid their own postage,) on no fewer +than seven thousand two hundred and forty-three topics, was received with +a degree of enthusiasm which no efforts could suppress. The various +committees and sections having been appointed, and the more formal +business transacted, the great proceedings of the meeting commenced at +eleven o'clock precisely. I had the happiness of occupying a most +eligible position at that time, in + + +'SECTION A.--ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. +GREAT ROOM, PIG AND TINDER-BOX. + + +_President_--Professor Snore. _Vice-Presidents_--Professors Doze and +Wheezy. + +'The scene at this moment was particularly striking. The sun streamed +through the windows of the apartments, and tinted the whole scene with +its brilliant rays, bringing out in strong relief the noble visages of +the professors and scientific gentlemen, who, some with bald heads, some +with red heads, some with brown heads, some with grey heads, some with +black heads, some with block heads, presented a _coup d'oeil_ which no +eye-witness will readily forget. In front of these gentlemen were papers +and inkstands; and round the room, on elevated benches extending as far +as the forms could reach, were assembled a brilliant concourse of those +lovely and elegant women for which Mudfog is justly acknowledged to be +without a rival in the whole world. The contrast between their fair +faces and the dark coats and trousers of the scientific gentlemen I shall +never cease to remember while Memory holds her seat. + +'Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, occasioned by the +falling down of the greater part of the platforms, to subside, the +president called on one of the secretaries to read a communication +entitled, "Some remarks on the industrious fleas, with considerations on +the importance of establishing infant-schools among that numerous class +of society; of directing their industry to useful and practical ends; and +of applying the surplus fruits thereof, towards providing for them a +comfortable and respectable maintenance in their old age." + +'The author stated, that, having long turned his attention to the moral +and social condition of these interesting animals, he had been induced to +visit an exhibition in Regent-street, London, commonly known by the +designation of "The Industrious Fleas." He had there seen many fleas, +occupied certainly in various pursuits and avocations, but occupied, he +was bound to add, in a manner which no man of well-regulated mind could +fail to regard with sorrow and regret. One flea, reduced to the level of +a beast of burden, was drawing about a miniature gig, containing a +particularly small effigy of His Grace the Duke of Wellington; while +another was staggering beneath the weight of a golden model of his great +adversary Napoleon Bonaparte. Some, brought up as mountebanks and +ballet-dancers, were performing a figure-dance (he regretted to observe, +that, of the fleas so employed, several were females); others were in +training, in a small card-board box, for pedestrians,--mere sporting +characters--and two were actually engaged in the cold-blooded and +barbarous occupation of duelling; a pursuit from which humanity recoiled +with horror and disgust. He suggested that measures should be +immediately taken to employ the labour of these fleas as part and parcel +of the productive power of the country, which might easily be done by the +establishment among them of infant schools and houses of industry, in +which a system of virtuous education, based upon sound principles, should +be observed, and moral precepts strictly inculcated. He proposed that +every flea who presumed to exhibit, for hire, music, or dancing, or any +species of theatrical entertainment, without a licence, should be +considered a vagabond, and treated accordingly; in which respect he only +placed him upon a level with the rest of mankind. He would further +suggest that their labour should be placed under the control and +regulation of the state, who should set apart from the profits, a fund +for the support of superannuated or disabled fleas, their widows and +orphans. With this view, he proposed that liberal premiums should be +offered for the three best designs for a general almshouse; from +which--as insect architecture was well known to be in a very advanced and +perfect state--we might possibly derive many valuable hints for the +improvement of our metropolitan universities, national galleries, and +other public edifices. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to be informed how the ingenious gentleman proposed +to open a communication with fleas generally, in the first instance, so +that they might be thoroughly imbued with a sense of the advantages they +must necessarily derive from changing their mode of life, and applying +themselves to honest labour. This appeared to him, the only difficulty. + +'THE AUTHOR submitted that this difficulty was easily overcome, or rather +that there was no difficulty at all in the case. Obviously the course to +be pursued, if Her Majesty's government could be prevailed upon to take +up the plan, would be, to secure at a remunerative salary the individual +to whom he had alluded as presiding over the exhibition in Regent-street +at the period of his visit. That gentleman would at once be able to put +himself in communication with the mass of the fleas, and to instruct them +in pursuance of some general plan of education, to be sanctioned by +Parliament, until such time as the more intelligent among them were +advanced enough to officiate as teachers to the rest. + +'The President and several members of the section highly complimented the +author of the paper last read, on his most ingenious and important +treatise. It was determined that the subject should be recommended to +the immediate consideration of the council. + +'MR. WIGSBY produced a cauliflower somewhat larger than a +chaise-umbrella, which had been raised by no other artificial means than +the simple application of highly carbonated soda-water as manure. He +explained that by scooping out the head, which would afford a new and +delicious species of nourishment for the poor, a parachute, in principle +something similar to that constructed by M. Garnerin, was at once +obtained; the stalk of course being kept downwards. He added that he was +perfectly willing to make a descent from a height of not less than three +miles and a quarter; and had in fact already proposed the same to the +proprietors of Vauxhall Gardens, who in the handsomest manner at once +consented to his wishes, and appointed an early day next summer for the +undertaking; merely stipulating that the rim of the cauliflower should be +previously broken in three or four places to ensure the safety of the +descent. + +'THE PRESIDENT congratulated the public on the _grand gala_ in store for +them, and warmly eulogised the proprietors of the establishment alluded +to, for their love of science, and regard for the safety of human life, +both of which did them the highest honour. + +'A Member wished to know how many thousand additional lamps the royal +property would be illuminated with, on the night after the descent. + +'MR. WIGSBY replied that the point was not yet finally decided; but he +believed it was proposed, over and above the ordinary illuminations, to +exhibit in various devices eight millions and a-half of additional lamps. + +'The Member expressed himself much gratified with this announcement. + +'MR. BLUNDERUM delighted the section with a most interesting and valuable +paper "on the last moments of the learned pig," which produced a very +strong impression on the assembly, the account being compiled from the +personal recollections of his favourite attendant. The account stated in +the most emphatic terms that the animal's name was not Toby, but Solomon; +and distinctly proved that he could have no near relatives in the +profession, as many designing persons had falsely stated, inasmuch as his +father, mother, brothers and sisters, had all fallen victims to the +butcher at different times. An uncle of his indeed, had with very great +labour been traced to a sty in Somers Town; but as he was in a very +infirm state at the time, being afflicted with measles, and shortly +afterwards disappeared, there appeared too much reason to conjecture that +he had been converted into sausages. The disorder of the learned pig was +originally a severe cold, which, being aggravated by excessive trough +indulgence, finally settled upon the lungs, and terminated in a general +decay of the constitution. A melancholy instance of a presentiment +entertained by the animal of his approaching dissolution, was recorded. +After gratifying a numerous and fashionable company with his +performances, in which no falling off whatever was visible, he fixed his +eyes on the biographer, and, turning to the watch which lay on the floor, +and on which he was accustomed to point out the hour, deliberately passed +his snout twice round the dial. In precisely four-and-twenty hours from +that time he had ceased to exist! + +'PROFESSOR WHEEZY inquired whether, previous to his demise, the animal +had expressed, by signs or otherwise, any wishes regarding the disposal +of his little property. + +'MR. BLUNDERUM replied, that, when the biographer took up the pack of +cards at the conclusion of the performance, the animal grunted several +times in a significant manner, and nodding his head as he was accustomed +to do, when gratified. From these gestures it was understood that he +wished the attendant to keep the cards, which he had ever since done. He +had not expressed any wish relative to his watch, which had accordingly +been pawned by the same individual. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any Member of the section had ever +seen or conversed with the pig-faced lady, who was reported to have worn +a black velvet mask, and to have taken her meals from a golden trough. + +'After some hesitation a Member replied that the pig-faced lady was his +mother-in-law, and that he trusted the President would not violate the +sanctity of private life. + +'THE PRESIDENT begged pardon. He had considered the pig-faced lady a +public character. Would the honourable member object to state, with a +view to the advancement of science, whether she was in any way connected +with the learned pig? + +'The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the question appeared +to involve a suspicion that the learned pig might be his half-brother, he +must decline answering it. + + +'SECTION B.--ANATOMY AND MEDICINE. +COACH-HOUSE, PIG AND TINDER-BOX. + + +_President_--Dr. Toorell. _Vice-Presidents_--Professors Muff and Nogo. + +DR. KUTANKUMAGEN (of Moscow) read to the section a report of a case which +had occurred within his own practice, strikingly illustrative of the +power of medicine, as exemplified in his successful treatment of a +virulent disorder. He had been called in to visit the patient on the 1st +of April, 1837. He was then labouring under symptoms peculiarly alarming +to any medical man. His frame was stout and muscular, his step firm and +elastic, his cheeks plump and red, his voice loud, his appetite good, his +pulse full and round. He was in the constant habit of eating three meals +_per diem_, and of drinking at least one bottle of wine, and one glass of +spirituous liquors diluted with water, in the course of the +four-and-twenty hours. He laughed constantly, and in so hearty a manner +that it was terrible to hear him. By dint of powerful medicine, low +diet, and bleeding, the symptoms in the course of three days perceptibly +decreased. A rigid perseverance in the same course of treatment for only +one week, accompanied with small doses of water-gruel, weak broth, and +barley-water, led to their entire disappearance. In the course of a +month he was sufficiently recovered to be carried down-stairs by two +nurses, and to enjoy an airing in a close carriage, supported by soft +pillows. At the present moment he was restored so far as to walk about, +with the slight assistance of a crutch and a boy. It would perhaps be +gratifying to the section to learn that he ate little, drank little, +slept little, and was never heard to laugh by any accident whatever. + +'DR. W. R. FEE, in complimenting the honourable member upon the +triumphant cure he had effected, begged to ask whether the patient still +bled freely? + +'DR. KUTANKUMAGEN replied in the affirmative. + +'DR. W. R. FEE.--And you found that he bled freely during the whole +course of the disorder? + +'DR. KUTANKUMAGEN.--Oh dear, yes; most freely. + +'DR. NEESHAWTS supposed, that if the patient had not submitted to be bled +with great readiness and perseverance, so extraordinary a cure could +never, in fact, have been accomplished. Dr. Kutankumagen rejoined, +certainly not. + +'MR. KNIGHT BELL (M.R.C.S.) exhibited a wax preparation of the interior +of a gentleman who in early life had inadvertently swallowed a door-key. +It was a curious fact that a medical student of dissipated habits, being +present at the _post mortem_ examination, found means to escape +unobserved from the room, with that portion of the coats of the stomach +upon which an exact model of the instrument was distinctly impressed, +with which he hastened to a locksmith of doubtful character, who made a +new key from the pattern so shown to him. With this key the medical +student entered the house of the deceased gentleman, and committed a +burglary to a large amount, for which he was subsequently tried and +executed. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to know what became of the original key after the +lapse of years. Mr. Knight Bell replied that the gentleman was always +much accustomed to punch, and it was supposed the acid had gradually +devoured it. + +'DR. NEESHAWTS and several of the members were of opinion that the key +must have lain very cold and heavy upon the gentleman's stomach. + +'MR. KNIGHT BELL believed it did at first. It was worthy of remark, +perhaps, that for some years the gentleman was troubled with a +night-mare, under the influence of which he always imagined himself a +wine-cellar door. + +'PROFESSOR MUFF related a very extraordinary and convincing proof of the +wonderful efficacy of the system of infinitesimal doses, which the +section were doubtless aware was based upon the theory that the very +minutest amount of any given drug, properly dispersed through the human +frame, would be productive of precisely the same result as a very large +dose administered in the usual manner. Thus, the fortieth part of a +grain of calomel was supposed to be equal to a five-grain calomel pill, +and so on in proportion throughout the whole range of medicine. He had +tried the experiment in a curious manner upon a publican who had been +brought into the hospital with a broken head, and was cured upon the +infinitesimal system in the incredibly short space of three months. This +man was a hard drinker. He (Professor Muff) had dispersed three drops of +rum through a bucket of water, and requested the man to drink the whole. +What was the result? Before he had drunk a quart, he was in a state of +beastly intoxication; and five other men were made dead drunk with the +remainder. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether an infinitesimal dose of soda-water +would have recovered them? Professor Muff replied that the twenty-fifth +part of a teaspoonful, properly administered to each patient, would have +sobered him immediately. The President remarked that this was a most +important discovery, and he hoped the Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen +would patronize it immediately. + +'A Member begged to be informed whether it would be possible to +administer--say, the twentieth part of a grain of bread and cheese to all +grown-up paupers, and the fortieth part to children, with the same +satisfying effect as their present allowance. + +'PROFESSOR MUFF was willing to stake his professional reputation on the +perfect adequacy of such a quantity of food to the support of human +life--in workhouses; the addition of the fifteenth part of a grain of +pudding twice a week would render it a high diet. + +'PROFESSOR NOGO called the attention of the section to a very +extraordinary case of animal magnetism. A private watchman, being merely +looked at by the operator from the opposite side of a wide street, was at +once observed to be in a very drowsy and languid state. He was followed +to his box, and being once slightly rubbed on the palms of the hands, +fell into a sound sleep, in which he continued without intermission for +ten hours. + + +'SECTION C.--STATISTICS. +HAY-LOFT, ORIGINAL PIG. + + +_President_--Mr. Woodensconce. _Vice-Presidents_--Mr. Ledbrain and Mr. +Timbered. + +'MR. SLUG stated to the section the result of some calculations he had +made with great difficulty and labour, regarding the state of infant +education among the middle classes of London. He found that, within a +circle of three miles from the Elephant and Castle, the following were +the names and numbers of children's books principally in circulation:-- + +'Jack the Giant-killer 7,943 +Ditto and Bean-stalk 8,621 +Ditto and Eleven Brothers 2,845 +Ditto and Jill 1,998 + Total 21,407 + +'He found that the proportion of Robinson Crusoes to Philip Quarlls was +as four and a half to one; and that the preponderance of Valentine and +Orsons over Goody Two Shoeses was as three and an eighth of the former to +half a one of the latter; a comparison of Seven Champions with Simple +Simons gave the same result. The ignorance that prevailed, was +lamentable. One child, on being asked whether he would rather be Saint +George of England or a respectable tallow-chandler, instantly replied, +"Taint George of Ingling." Another, a little boy of eight years old, was +found to be firmly impressed with a belief in the existence of dragons, +and openly stated that it was his intention when he grew up, to rush +forth sword in hand for the deliverance of captive princesses, and the +promiscuous slaughter of giants. Not one child among the number +interrogated had ever heard of Mungo Park,--some inquiring whether he was +at all connected with the black man that swept the crossing; and others +whether he was in any way related to the Regent's Park. They had not the +slightest conception of the commonest principles of mathematics, and +considered Sindbad the Sailor the most enterprising voyager that the +world had ever produced. + +'A Member strongly deprecating the use of all the other books mentioned, +suggested that Jack and Jill might perhaps be exempted from the general +censure, inasmuch as the hero and heroine, in the very outset of the +tale, were depicted as going _up_ a hill to fetch a pail of water, which +was a laborious and useful occupation,--supposing the family linen was +being washed, for instance. + +'MR. SLUG feared that the moral effect of this passage was more than +counterbalanced by another in a subsequent part of the poem, in which +very gross allusion was made to the mode in which the heroine was +personally chastised by her mother + + "'For laughing at Jack's disaster;" + +besides, the whole work had this one great fault, _it was not true_. + +'THE PRESIDENT complimented the honourable member on the excellent +distinction he had drawn. Several other Members, too, dwelt upon the +immense and urgent necessity of storing the minds of children with +nothing but facts and figures; which process the President very forcibly +remarked, had made them (the section) the men they were. + +'MR. SLUG then stated some curious calculations respecting the dogs'-meat +barrows of London. He found that the total number of small carts and +barrows engaged in dispensing provision to the cats and dogs of the +metropolis was, one thousand seven hundred and forty-three. The average +number of skewers delivered daily with the provender, by each dogs'-meat +cart or barrow, was thirty-six. Now, multiplying the number of skewers +so delivered by the number of barrows, a total of sixty-two thousand +seven hundred and forty-eight skewers daily would be obtained. Allowing +that, of these sixty-two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers, +the odd two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight were accidentally +devoured with the meat, by the most voracious of the animals supplied, it +followed that sixty thousand skewers per day, or the enormous number of +twenty-one millions nine hundred thousand skewers annually, were wasted +in the kennels and dustholes of London; which, if collected and +warehoused, would in ten years' time afford a mass of timber more than +sufficient for the construction of a first-rate vessel of war for the use +of her Majesty's navy, to be called "The Royal Skewer," and to become +under that name the terror of all the enemies of this island. + +'MR. X. LEDBRAIN read a very ingenious communication, from which it +appeared that the total number of legs belonging to the manufacturing +population of one great town in Yorkshire was, in round numbers, forty +thousand, while the total number of chair and stool legs in their houses +was only thirty thousand, which, upon the very favourable average of +three legs to a seat, yielded only ten thousand seats in all. From this +calculation it would appear,--not taking wooden or cork legs into the +account, but allowing two legs to every person,--that ten thousand +individuals (one-half of the whole population) were either destitute of +any rest for their legs at all, or passed the whole of their leisure time +in sitting upon boxes. + + +'SECTION D.--MECHANICAL SCIENCE. +COACH-HOUSE, ORIGINAL PIG. + + +_President_--Mr. Carter. _Vice-Presidents_--Mr. Truck and Mr. Waghorn. + +'PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK exhibited an elegant model of a portable railway, +neatly mounted in a green case, for the waistcoat pocket. By attaching +this beautiful instrument to his boots, any Bank or public-office clerk +could transport himself from his place of residence to his place of +business, at the easy rate of sixty-five miles an hour, which, to +gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would be an incalculable advantage. + +'THE PRESIDENT was desirous of knowing whether it was necessary to have a +level surface on which the gentleman was to run. + +'PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK explained that City gentlemen would run in trains, +being handcuffed together to prevent confusion or unpleasantness. For +instance, trains would start every morning at eight, nine, and ten +o'clock, from Camden Town, Islington, Camberwell, Hackney, and various +other places in which City gentlemen are accustomed to reside. It would +be necessary to have a level, but he had provided for this difficulty by +proposing that the best line that the circumstances would admit of, +should be taken through the sewers which undermine the streets of the +metropolis, and which, well lighted by jets from the gas pipes which run +immediately above them, would form a pleasant and commodious arcade, +especially in winter-time, when the inconvenient custom of carrying +umbrellas, now so general, could be wholly dispensed with. In reply to +another question, Professor Queerspeck stated that no substitute for the +purposes to which these arcades were at present devoted had yet occurred +to him, but that he hoped no fanciful objection on this head would be +allowed to interfere with so great an undertaking. + +'MR. JOBBA produced a forcing-machine on a novel plan, for bringing +joint-stock railway shares prematurely to a premium. The instrument was +in the form of an elegant gilt weather-glass, of most dazzling +appearance, and was worked behind, by strings, after the manner of a +pantomime trick, the strings being always pulled by the directors of the +company to which the machine belonged. The quicksilver was so +ingeniously placed, that when the acting directors held shares in their +pockets, figures denoting very small expenses and very large returns +appeared upon the glass; but the moment the directors parted with these +pieces of paper, the estimate of needful expenditure suddenly increased +itself to an immense extent, while the statements of certain profits +became reduced in the same proportion. Mr. Jobba stated that the machine +had been in constant requisition for some months past, and he had never +once known it to fail. + +'A Member expressed his opinion that it was extremely neat and pretty. +He wished to know whether it was not liable to accidental derangement? +Mr. Jobba said that the whole machine was undoubtedly liable to be blown +up, but that was the only objection to it. + +'PROFESSOR NOGO arrived from the anatomical section to exhibit a model of +a safety fire-escape, which could be fixed at any time, in less than half +an hour, and by means of which, the youngest or most infirm persons +(successfully resisting the progress of the flames until it was quite +ready) could be preserved if they merely balanced themselves for a few +minutes on the sill of their bedroom window, and got into the escape +without falling into the street. The Professor stated that the number of +boys who had been rescued in the daytime by this machine from houses +which were not on fire, was almost incredible. Not a conflagration had +occurred in the whole of London for many months past to which the escape +had not been carried on the very next day, and put in action before a +concourse of persons. + +'THE PRESIDENT inquired whether there was not some difficulty in +ascertaining which was the top of the machine, and which the bottom, in +cases of pressing emergency. + +'PROFESSOR NOGO explained that of course it could not be expected to act +quite as well when there was a fire, as when there was not a fire; but in +the former case he thought it would be of equal service whether the top +were up or down.' + + * * * * * + +With the last section our correspondent concludes his most able and +faithful Report, which will never cease to reflect credit upon him for +his scientific attainments, and upon us for our enterprising spirit. It +is needless to take a review of the subjects which have been discussed; +of the mode in which they have been examined; of the great truths which +they have elicited. They are now before the world, and we leave them to +read, to consider, and to profit. + +The place of meeting for next year has undergone discussion, and has at +length been decided, regard being had to, and evidence being taken upon, +the goodness of its wines, the supply of its markets, the hospitality of +its inhabitants, and the quality of its hotels. We hope at this next +meeting our correspondent may again be present, and that we may be once +more the means of placing his communications before the world. Until +that period we have been prevailed upon to allow this number of our +Miscellany to be retailed to the public, or wholesaled to the trade, +without any advance upon our usual price. + +We have only to add, that the committees are now broken up, and that +Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed tranquillity,--that +Professors and Members have had balls, and _soirees_, and suppers, and +great mutual complimentations, and have at length dispersed to their +several homes,--whither all good wishes and joys attend them, until next +year! + + Signed BOZ. + + + +FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION +FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING + + +In October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of recording, at an +enormous expense, and by dint of exertions unnpralleled in the history of +periodical publication, the proceedings of the Mudfog Association for the +Advancement of Everything, which in that month held its first great +half-yearly meeting, to the wonder and delight of the whole empire. We +announced at the conclusion of that extraordinary and most remarkable +Report, that when the Second Meeting of the Society should take place, we +should be found again at our post, renewing our gigantic and spirited +endeavours, and once more making the world ring with the accuracy, +authenticity, immeasurable superiority, and intense remarkability of our +account of its proceedings. In redemption of this pledge, we caused to +be despatched per steam to Oldcastle (at which place this second meeting +of the Society was held on the 20th instant), the same +superhumanly-endowed gentleman who furnished the former report, and +who,--gifted by nature with transcendent abilities, and furnished by us +with a body of assistants scarcely inferior to himself,--has forwarded a +series of letters, which, for faithfulness of description, power of +language, fervour of thought, happiness of expression, and importance of +subject-matter, have no equal in the epistolary literature of any age or +country. We give this gentleman's correspondence entire, and in the +order in which it reached our office. + + '_Saloon of Steamer_, _Thursday night_, _half-past eight_. + +'When I left New Burlington Street this evening in the hackney cabriolet, +number four thousand two hundred and eighty-five, I experienced +sensations as novel as they were oppressive. A sense of the importance +of the task I had undertaken, a consciousness that I was leaving London, +and, stranger still, going somewhere else, a feeling of loneliness and a +sensation of jolting, quite bewildered my thoughts, and for a time +rendered me even insensible to the presence of my carpet-bag and hat-box. +I shall ever feel grateful to the driver of a Blackwall omnibus who, by +thrusting the pole of his vehicle through the small door of the +cabriolet, awakened me from a tumult of imaginings that are wholly +indescribable. But of such materials is our imperfect nature composed! + +'I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, and shall thus +be enabled to give you an account of all that happens in the order of its +occurrence. The chimney is smoking a good deal, and so are the crew; and +the captain, I am informed, is very drunk in a little house upon deck, +something like a black turnpike. I should infer from all I hear that he +has got the steam up. + +'You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made the discovery +that my berth is in the same closet with those engaged by Professor +Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor Grime. Professor Woodensconce has +taken the shelf above me, and Mr. Slug and Professor Grime the two +shelves opposite. Their luggage has already arrived. On Mr. Slug's bed +is a long tin tube of about three inches in diameter, carefully closed at +both ends. What can this contain? Some powerful instrument of a new +construction, doubtless.' + + '_Ten minutes past nine_. + +'Nobody has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh come in my way except +several joints of beef and mutton, from which I conclude that a good +plain dinner has been provided for to-morrow. There is a singular smell +below, which gave me some uneasiness at first; but as the steward says it +is always there, and never goes away, I am quite comfortable again. I +learn from this man that the different sections will be distributed at +the Black Boy and Stomach-ache, and the Boot-jack and Countenance. If +this intelligence be true (and I have no reason to doubt it), your +readers will draw such conclusions as their different opinions may +suggest. + +'I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as the facts come to +my knowledge, in order that my first impressions may lose nothing of +their original vividness. I shall despatch them in small packets as +opportunities arise.' + + '_Half past nine_. + +'Some dark object has just appeared upon the wharf. I think it is a +travelling carriage.' + + '_A quarter to ten_. + +'No, it isn't.' + + '_Half-past ten_. + +The passengers are pouring in every instant. Four omnibuses full have +just arrived upon the wharf, and all is bustle and activity. The noise +and confusion are very great. Cloths are laid in the cabins, and the +steward is placing blue plates--full of knobs of cheese at equal +distances down the centre of the tables. He drops a great many knobs; +but, being used to it, picks them up again with great dexterity, and, +after wiping them on his sleeve, throws them back into the plates. He is +a young man of exceedingly prepossessing appearance--either dirty or a +mulatto, but I think the former. + +'An interesting old gentleman, who came to the wharf in an omnibus, has +just quarrelled violently with the porters, and is staggering towards the +vessel with a large trunk in his arms. I trust and hope that he may +reach it in safety; but the board he has to cross is narrow and slippery. +Was that a splash? Gracious powers! + +'I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is standing upon the +extreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentleman is nowhere to be seen. +The watchman is not sure whether he went down or not, but promises to +drag for him the first thing to-morrow morning. May his humane efforts +prove successful! + +'Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his nightcap on under his +hat. He has ordered a glass of cold brandy and water, with a hard +biscuit and a basin, and has gone straight to bed. What can this mean? + +'The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have already alluded have +come on board, and have all tried their beds, with the exception of +Professor Woodensconce, who sleeps in one of the top ones, and can't get +into it. Mr. Slug, who sleeps in the other top one, is unable to get out +of his, and is to have his supper handed up by a boy. I have had the +honour to introduce myself to these gentlemen, and we have amicably +arranged the order in which we shall retire to rest; which it is +necessary to agree upon, because, although the cabin is very comfortable, +there is not room for more than one gentleman to be out of bed at a time, +and even he must take his boots off in the passage. + +'As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for the passengers' +supper, and are now in course of consumption. Your readers will be +surprised to hear that Professor Woodensconce has abstained from cheese +for eight years, although he takes butter in considerable quantities. +Professor Grime having lost several teeth, is unable, I observe, to eat +his crusts without previously soaking them in his bottled porter. How +interesting are these peculiarities!' + + '_Half-past eleven_. + +'Professors Woodensconce and Grime, with a degree of good humour that +delights us all, have just arranged to toss for a bottle of mulled port. +There has been some discussion whether the payment should be decided by +the first toss or the best out of three. Eventually the latter course +has been determined on. Deeply do I wish that both gentlemen could win; +but that being impossible, I own that my personal aspirations (I speak as +an individual, and do not compromise either you or your readers by this +expression of feeling) are with Professor Woodensconce. I have backed +that gentleman to the amount of eighteenpence.' + + '_Twenty minutes to twelve_. + +'Professor Grime has inadvertently tossed his half-crown out of one of +the cabin-windows, and it has been arranged that the steward shall toss +for him. Bets are offered on any side to any amount, but there are no +takers. + +'Professor Woodensconce has just called "woman;" but the coin having +lodged in a beam, is a long time coming down again. The interest and +suspense of this one moment are beyond anything that can be imagined.' + + '_Twelve o'clock_. + +'The mulled port is smoking on the table before me, and Professor Grime +has won. Tossing is a game of chance; but on every ground, whether of +public or private character, intellectual endowments, or scientific +attainments, I cannot help expressing my opinion that Professor +Woodensconce _ought_ to have come off victorious. There is an exultation +about Professor Grime incompatible, I fear, with true greatness.' + + '_A quarter past twelve_. + +'Professor Grime continues to exult, and to boast of his victory in no +very measured terms, observing that he always does win, and that he knew +it would be a "head" beforehand, with many other remarks of a similar +nature. Surely this gentleman is not so lost to every feeling of decency +and propriety as not to feel and know the superiority of Professor +Woodensconce? Is Professor Grime insane? or does he wish to be reminded +in plain language of his true position in society, and the precise level +of his acquirements and abilities? Professor Grime will do well to look +to this.' + + '_One o'clock_. + +'I am writing in bed. The small cabin is illuminated by the feeble light +of a flickering lamp suspended from the ceiling; Professor Grime is lying +on the opposite shelf on the broad of his back, with his mouth wide open. +The scene is indescribably solemn. The rippling of the tide, the noise +of the sailors' feet overhead, the gruff voices on the river, the dogs on +the shore, the snoring of the passengers, and a constant creaking of +every plank in the vessel, are the only sounds that meet the ear. With +these exceptions, all is profound silence. + +'My curiosity has been within the last moment very much excited. Mr. +Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has cautiously withdrawn the +curtains of his berth, and, after looking anxiously out, as if to satisfy +himself that his companions are asleep, has taken up the tin tube of +which I have before spoken, and is regarding it with great interest. +What rare mechanical combination can be contained in that mysterious +case? It is evidently a profound secret to all.' + + '_A quarter past one_. + +'The behaviour of Mr. Slug grows more and more mysterious. He has +unscrewed the top of the tube, and now renews his observations upon his +companions, evidently to make sure that he is wholly unobserved. He is +clearly on the eve of some great experiment. Pray heaven that it be not +a dangerous one; but the interests of science must be promoted, and I am +prepared for the worst.' + + '_Five minutes later_. + +'He has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll of some +substance, not unlike parchment in appearance, from the tin case. The +experiment is about to begin. I must strain my eyes to the utmost, in +the attempt to follow its minutest operation.' + + '_Twenty minutes before two_. + +'I have at length been enabled to ascertain that the tin tube contains a +few yards of some celebrated plaster, recommended--as I discover on +regarding the label attentively through my eye-glass--as a preservative +against sea-sickness. Mr. Slug has cut it up into small portions, and is +now sticking it over himself in every direction.' + + '_Three o'clock_. + +'Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor, and the machinery +was suddenly put in motion with a noise so appalling, that Professor +Woodensconce (who had ascended to his berth by means of a platform of +carpet-bags arranged by himself on geometrical principals) darted from +his shelf head foremost, and, gaining his feet with all the rapidity of +extreme terror, ran wildly into the ladies' cabin, under the impression +that we were sinking, and uttering loud cries for aid. I am assured that +the scene which ensued baffles all description. There were one hundred +and forty-seven ladies in their respective berths at the time. + +'Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the extreme +ingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes of navigation, that +in whatever part of the vessel a passenger's berth may be situated, the +machinery always appears to be exactly under his pillow. He intends +stating this very beautiful, though simple discovery, to the +association.' + + '_Half-past ten_. + +'We are still in smooth water; that is to say, in as smooth water as a +steam-vessel ever can be, for, as Professor Woodensconce (who has just +woke up) learnedly remarks, another great point of ingenuity about a +steamer is, that it always carries a little storm with it. You can +scarcely conceive how exciting the jerking pulsation of the ship becomes. +It is a matter of positive difficulty to get to sleep.' + + '_Friday afternoon_, _six o'clock_. + +'I regret to inform you that Mr. Slug's plaster has proved of no avail. +He is in great agony, but has applied several large, additional pieces +notwithstanding. How affecting is this extreme devotion to science and +pursuit of knowledge under the most trying circumstances! + +'We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast was one of the +most animated description. Nothing unpleasant occurred until noon, with +the exception of Doctor Foxey's brown silk umbrella and white hat +becoming entangled in the machinery while he was explaining to a knot of +ladies the construction of the steam-engine. I fear the gravy soup for +lunch was injudicious. We lost a great many passengers almost +immediately afterwards.' + + '_Half-past six_. + +'I am again in bed. Anything so heart-rending as Mr. Slug's sufferings +it has never yet been my lot to witness.' + + '_Seven o'clock_. + +'A messenger has just come down for a clean pocket-handkerchief from +Professor Woodensconce's bag, that unfortunate gentleman being quite +unable to leave the deck, and imploring constantly to be thrown +overboard. From this man I understand that Professor Nogo, though in a +state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the hard biscuit and cold +brandy and water, under the impression that they will yet restore him. +Such is the triumph of mind over matter. + +'Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite well; but he _will_ +eat, and it is disagreeable to see him. Has this gentleman no sympathy +with the sufferings of his fellow-creatures? If he has, on what +principle can he call for mutton-chops--and smile?' + + '_Black Boy and Stomach-ache_, + _Oldcastle_, _Saturday noon_. + +'You will be happy to learn that I have at length arrived here in safety. +The town is excessively crowded, and all the private lodgings and hotels +are filled with _savans_ of both sexes. The tremendous assemblage of +intellect that one encounters in every street is in the last degree +overwhelming. + +'Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been fortunate enough +to meet with very comfortable accommodation on very reasonable terms, +having secured a sofa in the first-floor passage at one guinea per night, +which includes permission to take my meals in the bar, on condition that +I walk about the streets at all other times, to make room for other +gentlemen similarly situated. I have been over the outhouses intended to +be devoted to the reception of the various sections, both here and at the +Boot-jack and Countenance, and am much delighted with the arrangements. +Nothing can exceed the fresh appearance of the saw-dust with which the +floors are sprinkled. The forms are of unplaned deal, and the general +effect, as you can well imagine, is extremely beautiful.' + + '_Half-past nine_. + +'The number and rapidity of the arrivals are quite bewildering. Within +the last ten minutes a stage-coach has driven up to the door, filled +inside and out with distinguished characters, comprising Mr. +Muddlebranes, Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X. Misty, Mr. X. X. Misty, +Mr. Purblind, Professor Rummun, The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long +Eers, Professor John Ketch, Sir William Joltered, Doctor Buffer, Mr. +Smith (of London), Mr. Brown (of Edinburgh), Sir Hookham Snivey, and +Professor Pumpkinskull. The ten last-named gentlemen were wet through, +and looked extremely intelligent.' + + '_Sunday_, _two o'clock_, _p.m._ + +'The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, accompanied by Sir William +Joltered, walked and drove this morning. They accomplished the former +feat in boots, and the latter in a hired fly. This has naturally given +rise to much discussion. + +'I have just learnt that an interview has taken place at the Boot-jack +and Countenance between Sowster, the active and intelligent beadle of +this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, who, as your readers are +doubtless aware, is an influential member of the council. I forbear to +communicate any of the rumours to which this very extraordinary +proceeding has given rise until I have seen Sowster, and endeavoured to +ascertain the truth from him.' + + '_Half-past six_. + +'I engaged a donkey-chaise shortly after writing the above, and proceeded +at a brisk trot in the direction of Sowster's residence, passing through +a beautiful expanse of country, with red brick buildings on either side, +and stopping in the marketplace to observe the spot where Mr. Kwakley's +hat was blown off yesterday. It is an uneven piece of paving, but has +certainly no appearance which would lead one to suppose that any such +event had recently occurred there. From this point I proceeded--passing +the gas-works and tallow-melter's--to a lane which had been pointed out +to me as the beadle's place of residence; and before I had driven a dozen +yards further, I had the good fortune to meet Sowster himself advancing +towards me. + +'Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development of that peculiar +conformation of countenance which is vulgarly termed a double chin than I +remember to have ever seen before. He has also a very red nose, which he +attributes to a habit of early rising--so red, indeed, that but for this +explanation I should have supposed it to proceed from occasional +inebriety. He informed me that he did not feel himself at liberty to +relate what had passed between himself and Professor Pumpkinskull, but +had no objection to state that it was connected with a matter of police +regulation, and added with peculiar significance "Never wos sitch times!" + +'You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me considerable +surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that I lost no time in +waiting on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating the object of my visit. +After a few moments' reflection, the Professor, who, I am bound to say, +behaved with the utmost politeness, openly avowed (I mark the passage in +italics) _that he had requested Sowster to attend on the Monday morning +at the Boot-jack and Countenance_, _to keep off the boys_; _and that he +had further desired that the under-beadle might be stationed_, _with the +same object_, _at the Black Boy and Stomach-ache_! + +'Now I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your comments and the +consideration of your readers. I have yet to learn that a beadle, +without the precincts of a church, churchyard, or work-house, and acting +otherwise than under the express orders of churchwardens and overseers in +council assembled, to enforce the law against people who come upon the +parish, and other offenders, has any lawful authority whatever over the +rising youth of this country. I have yet to learn that a beadle can be +called out by any civilian to exercise a domination and despotism over +the boys of Britain. I have yet to learn that a beadle will be permitted +by the commissioners of poor law regulation to wear out the soles and +heels of his boots in illegal interference with the liberties of people +not proved poor or otherwise criminal. I have yet to learn that a beadle +has power to stop up the Queen's highway at his will and pleasure, or +that the whole width of the street is not free and open to any man, boy, +or woman in existence, up to the very walls of the houses--ay, be they +Black Boys and Stomach-aches, or Boot-jacks and Countenances, I care +not.' + + '_Nine o'clock_. + +'I have procured a local artist to make a faithful sketch of the tyrant +Sowster, which, as he has acquired this infamous celebrity, you will no +doubt wish to have engraved for the purpose of presenting a copy with +every copy of your next number. I enclose it. + +[Picture which cannot be reproduced] + +The under-beadle has consented to write his life, but it is to be +strictly anonymous. + +'The accompanying likeness is of course from the life, and complete in +every respect. Even if I had been totally ignorant of the man's real +character, and it had been placed before me without remark, I should have +shuddered involuntarily. There is an intense malignity of expression in +the features, and a baleful ferocity of purpose in the ruffian's eye, +which appals and sickens. His whole air is rampant with cruelty, nor is +the stomach less characteristic of his demoniac propensities.' + + '_Monday_. + +'The great day has at length arrived. I have neither eyes, nor ears, nor +pens, nor ink, nor paper, for anything but the wonderful proceedings that +have astounded my senses. Let me collect my energies and proceed to the +account. + + +'SECTION A.--ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. +FRONT PARLOUR, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. + + +_President_--Sir William Joltered. _Vice-Presidents_--Mr. Muddlebranes +and Mr. Drawley. + +'MR. X. X. MISTY communicated some remarks on the disappearance of +dancing-bears from the streets of London, with observations on the +exhibition of monkeys as connected with barrel-organs. The writer had +observed, with feelings of the utmost pain and regret, that some years +ago a sudden and unaccountable change in the public taste took place with +reference to itinerant bears, who, being discountenanced by the populace, +gradually fell off one by one from the streets of the metropolis, until +not one remained to create a taste for natural history in the breasts of +the poor and uninstructed. One bear, indeed,--a brown and ragged +animal,--had lingered about the haunts of his former triumphs, with a +worn and dejected visage and feeble limbs, and had essayed to wield his +quarter-staff for the amusement of the multitude; but hunger, and an +utter want of any due recompense for his abilities, had at length driven +him from the field, and it was only too probable that he had fallen a +sacrifice to the rising taste for grease. He regretted to add that a +similar, and no less lamentable, change had taken place with reference to +monkeys. These delightful animals had formerly been almost as plentiful +as the organs on the tops of which they were accustomed to sit; the +proportion in the year 1829 (it appeared by the parliamentary return) +being as one monkey to three organs. Owing, however, to an altered taste +in musical instruments, and the substitution, in a great measure, of +narrow boxes of music for organs, which left the monkeys nothing to sit +upon, this source of public amusement was wholly dried up. Considering +it a matter of the deepest importance, in connection with national +education, that the people should not lose such opportunities of making +themselves acquainted with the manners and customs of two most +interesting species of animals, the author submitted that some measures +should be immediately taken for the restoration of these pleasing and +truly intellectual amusements. + +'THE PRESIDENT inquired by what means the honourable member proposed to +attain this most desirable end? + +'THE AUTHOR submitted that it could be most fully and satisfactorily +accomplished, if Her Majesty's Government would cause to be brought over +to England, and maintained at the public expense, and for the public +amusement, such a number of bears as would enable every quarter of the +town to be visited--say at least by three bears a week. No difficulty +whatever need be experienced in providing a fitting place for the +reception of these animals, as a commodious bear-garden could be erected +in the immediate neighbourhood of both Houses of Parliament; obviously +the most proper and eligible spot for such an establishment. + +'PROFESSOR MULL doubted very much whether any correct ideas of natural +history were propagated by the means to which the honourable member had +so ably adverted. On the contrary, he believed that they had been the +means of diffusing very incorrect and imperfect notions on the subject. +He spoke from personal observation and personal experience, when he said +that many children of great abilities had been induced to believe, from +what they had observed in the streets, at and before the period to which +the honourable gentleman had referred, that all monkeys were born in red +coats and spangles, and that their hats and feathers also came by nature. +He wished to know distinctly whether the honourable gentleman attributed +the want of encouragement the bears had met with to the decline of public +taste in that respect, or to a want of ability on the part of the bears +themselves? + +'MR. X. X. MISTY replied, that he could not bring himself to believe but +that there must be a great deal of floating talent among the bears and +monkeys generally; which, in the absence of any proper encouragement, was +dispersed in other directions. + +'PROFESSOR PUMPKINSKULL wished to take that opportunity of calling the +attention of the section to a most important and serious point. The +author of the treatise just read had alluded to the prevalent taste for +bears'-grease as a means of promoting the growth of hair, which +undoubtedly was diffused to a very great and (as it appeared to him) very +alarming extent. No gentleman attending that section could fail to be +aware of the fact that the youth of the present age evinced, by their +behaviour in the streets, and at all places of public resort, a +considerable lack of that gallantry and gentlemanly feeling which, in +more ignorant times, had been thought becoming. He wished to know +whether it were possible that a constant outward application of +bears'-grease by the young gentlemen about town had imperceptibly infused +into those unhappy persons something of the nature and quality of the +bear. He shuddered as he threw out the remark; but if this theory, on +inquiry, should prove to be well founded, it would at once explain a +great deal of unpleasant eccentricity of behaviour, which, without some +such discovery, was wholly unaccountable. + +'THE PRESIDENT highly complimented the learned gentleman on his most +valuable suggestion, which produced the greatest effect upon the +assembly; and remarked that only a week previous he had seen some young +gentlemen at a theatre eyeing a box of ladies with a fierce intensity, +which nothing but the influence of some brutish appetite could possibly +explain. It was dreadful to reflect that our youth were so rapidly +verging into a generation of bears. + +'After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved that this +important question should be immediately submitted to the consideration +of the council. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any gentleman could inform the +section what had become of the dancing-dogs? + +'A MEMBER replied, after some hesitation, that on the day after three +glee-singers had been committed to prison as criminals by a late most +zealous police-magistrate of the metropolis, the dogs had abandoned their +professional duties, and dispersed themselves in different quarters of +the town to gain a livelihood by less dangerous means. He was given to +understand that since that period they had supported themselves by lying +in wait for and robbing blind men's poodles. + +'MR. FLUMMERY exhibited a twig, claiming to be a veritable branch of that +noble tree known to naturalists as the SHAKSPEARE, which has taken root +in every land and climate, and gathered under the shade of its broad +green boughs the great family of mankind. The learned gentleman remarked +that the twig had been undoubtedly called by other names in its time; but +that it had been pointed out to him by an old lady in Warwickshire, where +the great tree had grown, as a shoot of the genuine SHAKSPEARE, by which +name he begged to introduce it to his countrymen. + +'THE PRESIDENT wished to know what botanical definition the honourable +gentleman could afford of the curiosity. + +'MR. FLUMMERY expressed his opinion that it was A DECIDED PLANT. + + +'SECTION B.--DISPLAY OF MODELS AND MECHANICAL SCIENCE. +LARGE ROOM, BOOT-JACK AND COUNTENANCE. + + +_President_--Mr. Mallett. _Vice-Presidents_--Messrs. Leaver and Scroo. + +'MR. CRINKLES exhibited a most beautiful and delicate machine, of little +larger size than an ordinary snuff-box, manufactured entirely by himself, +and composed exclusively of steel, by the aid of which more pockets could +be picked in one hour than by the present slow and tedious process in +four-and-twenty. The inventor remarked that it had been put into active +operation in Fleet Street, the Strand, and other thoroughfares, and had +never been once known to fail. + +'After some slight delay, occasioned by the various members of the +section buttoning their pockets, + +'THE PRESIDENT narrowly inspected the invention, and declared that he had +never seen a machine of more beautiful or exquisite construction. Would +the inventor be good enough to inform the section whether he had taken +any and what means for bringing it into general operation? + +'MR. CRINKLES stated that, after encountering some preliminary +difficulties, he had succeeded in putting himself in communication with +Mr. Fogle Hunter, and other gentlemen connected with the swell mob, who +had awarded the invention the very highest and most unqualified +approbation. He regretted to say, however, that these distinguished +practitioners, in common with a gentleman of the name of Gimlet-eyed +Tommy, and other members of a secondary grade of the profession whom he +was understood to represent, entertained an insuperable objection to its +being brought into general use, on the ground that it would have the +inevitable effect of almost entirely superseding manual labour, and +throwing a great number of highly-deserving persons out of employment. + +'THE PRESIDENT hoped that no such fanciful objections would be allowed to +stand in the way of such a great public improvement. + +'MR. CRINKLES hoped so too; but he feared that if the gentlemen of the +swell mob persevered in their objection, nothing could be done. + +'PROFESSOR GRIME suggested, that surely, in that case, Her Majesty's +Government might be prevailed upon to take it up. + +'MR. CRINKLES said, that if the objection were found to be insuperable he +should apply to Parliament, which he thought could not fail to recognise +the utility of the invention. + +'THE PRESIDENT observed that, up to this time Parliament had certainly +got on very well without it; but, as they did their business on a very +large scale, he had no doubt they would gladly adopt the improvement. +His only fear was that the machine might be worn out by constant working. + +'MR. COPPERNOSE called the attention of the section to a proposition of +great magnitude and interest, illustrated by a vast number of models, and +stated with much clearness and perspicuity in a treatise entitled +"Practical Suggestions on the necessity of providing some harmless and +wholesome relaxation for the young noblemen of England." His proposition +was, that a space of ground of not less than ten miles in length and four +in breadth should be purchased by a new company, to be incorporated by +Act of Parliament, and inclosed by a brick wall of not less than twelve +feet in height. He proposed that it should be laid out with highway +roads, turnpikes, bridges, miniature villages, and every object that +could conduce to the comfort and glory of Four-in-hand Clubs, so that +they might be fairly presumed to require no drive beyond it. This +delightful retreat would be fitted up with most commodious and extensive +stables, for the convenience of such of the nobility and gentry as had a +taste for ostlering, and with houses of entertainment furnished in the +most expensive and handsome style. It would be further provided with +whole streets of door-knockers and bell-handles of extra size, so +constructed that they could be easily wrenched off at night, and +regularly screwed on again, by attendants provided for the purpose, every +day. There would also be gas lamps of real glass, which could be broken +at a comparatively small expense per dozen, and a broad and handsome foot +pavement for gentlemen to drive their cabriolets upon when they were +humorously disposed--for the full enjoyment of which feat live +pedestrians would be procured from the workhouse at a very small charge +per head. The place being inclosed, and carefully screened from the +intrusion of the public, there would be no objection to gentlemen laying +aside any article of their costume that was considered to interfere with +a pleasant frolic, or, indeed, to their walking about without any costume +at all, if they liked that better. In short, every facility of enjoyment +would be afforded that the most gentlemanly person could possibly desire. +But as even these advantages would be incomplete unless there were some +means provided of enabling the nobility and gentry to display their +prowess when they sallied forth after dinner, and as some inconvenience +might be experienced in the event of their being reduced to the necessity +of pummelling each other, the inventor had turned his attention to the +construction of an entirely new police force, composed exclusively of +automaton figures, which, with the assistance of the ingenious Signor +Gagliardi, of Windmill-street, in the Haymarket, he had succeeded in +making with such nicety, that a policeman, cab-driver, or old woman, made +upon the principle of the models exhibited, would walk about until +knocked down like any real man; nay, more, if set upon and beaten by six +or eight noblemen or gentlemen, after it was down, the figure would utter +divers groans, mingled with entreaties for mercy, thus rendering the +illusion complete, and the enjoyment perfect. But the invention did not +stop even here; for station-houses would be built, containing good beds +for noblemen and gentlemen during the night, and in the morning they +would repair to a commodious police office, where a pantomimic +investigation would take place before the automaton magistrates,--quite +equal to life,--who would fine them in so many counters, with which they +would be previously provided for the purpose. This office would be +furnished with an inclined plane, for the convenience of any nobleman or +gentleman who might wish to bring in his horse as a witness; and the +prisoners would be at perfect liberty, as they were now, to interrupt the +complainants as much as they pleased, and to make any remarks that they +thought proper. The charge for these amusements would amount to very +little more than they already cost, and the inventor submitted that the +public would be much benefited and comforted by the proposed arrangement. + +'PROFESSOR NOGO wished to be informed what amount of automaton police +force it was proposed to raise in the first instance. + +'MR. COPPERNOSE replied, that it was proposed to begin with seven +divisions of police of a score each, lettered from A to G inclusive. It +was proposed that not more than half this number should be placed on +active duty, and that the remainder should be kept on shelves in the +police office ready to be called out at a moment's notice. + +'THE PRESIDENT, awarding the utmost merit to the ingenious gentleman who +had originated the idea, doubted whether the automaton police would quite +answer the purpose. He feared that noblemen and gentlemen would perhaps +require the excitement of thrashing living subjects. + +'MR. COPPERNOSE submitted, that as the usual odds in such cases were ten +noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or cab-driver, it could make very +little difference in point of excitement whether the policeman or +cab-driver were a man or a block. The great advantage would be, that a +policeman's limbs might be all knocked off, and yet he would be in a +condition to do duty next day. He might even give his evidence next +morning with his head in his hand, and give it equally well. + +'PROFESSOR MUFF.--Will you allow me to ask you, sir, of what materials it +is intended that the magistrates' heads shall be composed? + +'MR. COPPERNOSE.--The magistrates will have wooden heads of course, and +they will be made of the toughest and thickest materials that can +possibly be obtained. + +'PROFESSOR MUFF.--I am quite satisfied. This is a great invention. + +'PROFESSOR NOGO.--I see but one objection to it. It appears to me that +the magistrates ought to talk. + +'MR. COPPERNOSE no sooner heard this suggestion than he touched a small +spring in each of the two models of magistrates which were placed upon +the table; one of the figures immediately began to exclaim with great +volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen in such a situation, and +the other to express a fear that the policeman was intoxicated. + +'The section, as with one accord, declared with a shout of applause that +the invention was complete; and the President, much excited, retired with +Mr. Coppernose to lay it before the council. On his return, + +'MR. TICKLE displayed his newly-invented spectacles, which enabled the +wearer to discern, in very bright colours, objects at a great distance, +and rendered him wholly blind to those immediately before him. It was, +he said, a most valuable and useful invention, based strictly upon the +principle of the human eye. + +'THE PRESIDENT required some information upon this point. He had yet to +learn that the human eye was remarkable for the peculiarities of which +the honourable gentleman had spoken. + +'MR. TICKLE was rather astonished to hear this, when the President could +not fail to be aware that a large number of most excellent persons and +great statesmen could see, with the naked eye, most marvellous horrors on +West India plantations, while they could discern nothing whatever in the +interior of Manchester cotton mills. He must know, too, with what +quickness of perception most people could discover their neighbour's +faults, and how very blind they were to their own. If the President +differed from the great majority of men in this respect, his eye was a +defective one, and it was to assist his vision that these glasses were +made. + +'MR. BLANK exhibited a model of a fashionable annual, composed of +copper-plates, gold leaf, and silk boards, and worked entirely by milk +and water. + +'MR. PROSEE, after examining the machine, declared it to be so +ingeniously composed, that he was wholly unable to discover how it went +on at all. + +'MR. BLANK.--Nobody can, and that is the beauty of it. + + +'SECTION C.--ANATOMY AND MEDICINE. +BAR ROOM, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. + + +_President_--Dr. Soemup. _Vice-Presidents_--Messrs. Pessell and Mortair. + +'DR. GRUMMIDGE stated to the section a most interesting case of +monomania, and described the course of treatment he had pursued with +perfect success. The patient was a married lady in the middle rank of +life, who, having seen another lady at an evening party in a full suit of +pearls, was suddenly seized with a desire to possess a similar equipment, +although her husband's finances were by no means equal to the necessary +outlay. Finding her wish ungratified, she fell sick, and the symptoms +soon became so alarming, that he (Dr. Grummidge) was called in. At this +period the prominent tokens of the disorder were sullenness, a total +indisposition to perform domestic duties, great peevishness, and extreme +languor, except when pearls were mentioned, at which times the pulse +quickened, the eyes grew brighter, the pupils dilated, and the patient, +after various incoherent exclamations, burst into a passion of tears, and +exclaimed that nobody cared for her, and that she wished herself dead. +Finding that the patient's appetite was affected in the presence of +company, he began by ordering a total abstinence from all stimulants, and +forbidding any sustenance but weak gruel; he then took twenty ounces of +blood, applied a blister under each ear, one upon the chest, and another +on the back; having done which, and administered five grains of calomel, +he left the patient to her repose. The next day she was somewhat low, +but decidedly better, and all appearances of irritation were removed. +The next day she improved still further, and on the next again. On the +fourth there was some appearance of a return of the old symptoms, which +no sooner developed themselves, than he administered another dose of +calomel, and left strict orders that, unless a decidedly favourable +change occurred within two hours, the patient's head should be +immediately shaved to the very last curl. From that moment she began to +mend, and, in less than four-and-twenty hours was perfectly restored. +She did not now betray the least emotion at the sight or mention of +pearls or any other ornaments. She was cheerful and good-humoured, and a +most beneficial change had been effected in her whole temperament and +condition. + +'MR. PIPKIN (M.R.C.S.) read a short but most interesting communication in +which he sought to prove the complete belief of Sir William Courtenay, +otherwise Thorn, recently shot at Canterbury, in the Homoeopathic system. +The section would bear in mind that one of the Homoeopathic doctrines +was, that infinitesimal doses of any medicine which would occasion the +disease under which the patient laboured, supposing him to be in a +healthy state, would cure it. Now, it was a remarkable +circumstance--proved in the evidence--that the deceased Thorn employed a +woman to follow him about all day with a pail of water, assuring her that +one drop (a purely homoeopathic remedy, the section would observe), +placed upon his tongue, after death, would restore him. What was the +obvious inference? That Thorn, who was marching and countermarching in +osier beds, and other swampy places, was impressed with a presentiment +that he should be drowned; in which case, had his instructions been +complied with, he could not fail to have been brought to life again +instantly by his own prescription. As it was, if this woman, or any +other person, had administered an infinitesimal dose of lead and +gunpowder immediately after he fell, he would have recovered forthwith. +But unhappily the woman concerned did not possess the power of reasoning +by analogy, or carrying out a principle, and thus the unfortunate +gentleman had been sacrificed to the ignorance of the peasantry. + + +'SECTION D.--STATISTICS. +OUT-HOUSE, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. + + +_President_--Mr. Slug. _Vice-Presidents_--Messrs. Noakes and Styles. + +'MR. KWAKLEY stated the result of some most ingenious statistical +inquiries relative to the difference between the value of the +qualification of several members of Parliament as published to the world, +and its real nature and amount. After reminding the section that every +member of Parliament for a town or borough was supposed to possess a +clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per annum, the honourable +gentleman excited great amusement and laughter by stating the exact +amount of freehold property possessed by a column of legislators, in +which he had included himself. It appeared from this table, that the +amount of such income possessed by each was 0 pounds, 0 shillings, and 0 +pence, yielding an average of the same. (Great laughter.) It was pretty +well known that there were accommodating gentlemen in the habit of +furnishing new members with temporary qualifications, to the ownership of +which they swore solemnly--of course as a mere matter of form. He argued +from these _data_ that it was wholly unnecessary for members of +Parliament to possess any property at all, especially as when they had +none the public could get them so much cheaper. + + +'SUPPLEMENTARY SECTION, E.--UMBUGOLOGY AND DITCHWATERISICS. + + +_President_--Mr. Grub. _Vice Presidents_--Messrs. Dull and Dummy. + +'A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony with one +eye, which had been seen by the author standing in a butcher's cart at +the corner of Newgate Market. The communication described the author of +the paper as having, in the prosecution of a mercantile pursuit, betaken +himself one Saturday morning last summer from Somers Town to Cheapside; +in the course of which expedition he had beheld the extraordinary +appearance above described. The pony had one distinct eye, and it had +been pointed out to him by his friend Captain Blunderbore, of the Horse +Marines, who assisted the author in his search, that whenever he winked +this eye he whisked his tail (possibly to drive the flies off), but that +he always winked and whisked at the same time. The animal was lean, +spavined, and tottering; and the author proposed to constitute it of the +family of _Fitfordogsmeataurious_. It certainly did occur to him that +there was no case on record of a pony with one clearly-defined and +distinct organ of vision, winking and whisking at the same moment. + +'MR. Q. J. SNUFFLETOFFLE had heard of a pony winking his eye, and +likewise of a pony whisking his tail, but whether they were two ponies or +the same pony he could not undertake positively to say. At all events, +he was acquainted with no authenticated instance of a simultaneous +winking and whisking, and he really could not but doubt the existence of +such a marvellous pony in opposition to all those natural laws by which +ponies were governed. Referring, however, to the mere question of his +one organ of vision, might he suggest the possibility of this pony having +been literally half asleep at the time he was seen, and having closed +only one eye. + +'THE PRESIDENT observed that, whether the pony was half asleep or fast +asleep, there could be no doubt that the association was wide awake, and +therefore that they had better get the business over, and go to dinner. +He had certainly never seen anything analogous to this pony, but he was +not prepared to doubt its existence; for he had seen many queerer ponies +in his time, though he did not pretend to have seen any more remarkable +donkeys than the other gentlemen around him. + +'PROFESSOR JOHN KETCH was then called upon to exhibit the skull of the +late Mr. Greenacre, which he produced from a blue bag, remarking, on +being invited to make any observations that occurred to him, "that he'd +pound it as that 'ere 'spectable section had never seed a more gamerer +cove nor he vos." + +'A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic ensued; and, some +difference of opinion arising respecting the real character of the +deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered a lecture upon the cranium before +him, clearly showing that Mr. Greenacre possessed the organ of +destructiveness to a most unusual extent, with a most remarkable +development of the organ of carveativeness. Sir Hookham Snivey was +proceeding to combat this opinion, when Professor Ketch suddenly +interrupted the proceedings by exclaiming, with great excitement of +manner, "Walker!" + +'THE PRESIDENT begged to call the learned gentleman to order. + +'PROFESSOR KETCH.--"Order be blowed! you've got the wrong un, I tell you. +It ain't no 'ed at all; it's a coker-nut as my brother-in-law has been +a-carvin', to hornament his new baked tatur-stall wots a-comin' down 'ere +vile the 'sociation's in the town. Hand over, vill you?" + +'With these words, Professor Ketch hastily repossessed himself of the +cocoa-nut, and drew forth the skull, in mistake for which he had +exhibited it. A most interesting conversation ensued; but as there +appeared some doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr. Greenacre's, or +a hospital patient's, or a pauper's, or a man's, or a woman's, or a +monkey's, no particular result was obtained.' + + * * * * * + +'I cannot,' says our talented correspondent in conclusion, 'I cannot +close my account of these gigantic researches and sublime and noble +triumphs without repeating a _bon mot_ of Professor Woodensconce's, which +shows how the greatest minds may occasionally unbend when truth can be +presented to listening ears, clothed in an attractive and playful form. +I was standing by, when, after a week of feasting and feeding, that +learned gentleman, accompanied by the whole body of wonderful men, +entered the hall yesterday, where a sumptuous dinner was prepared; where +the richest wines sparkled on the board, and fat bucks--propitiatory +sacrifices to learning--sent forth their savoury odours. "Ah!" said +Professor Woodensconce, rubbing his hands, "this is what we meet for; +this is what inspires us; this is what keeps us together, and beckons us +onward; this is the _spread_ of science, and a glorious spread it is."' + + + +THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE + + +Before we plunge headlong into this paper, let us at once confess to a +fondness for pantomimes--to a gentle sympathy with clowns and +pantaloons--to an unqualified admiration of harlequins and columbines--to +a chaste delight in every action of their brief existence, varied and +many-coloured as those actions are, and inconsistent though they +occasionally be with those rigid and formal rules of propriety which +regulate the proceedings of meaner and less comprehensive minds. We +revel in pantomimes--not because they dazzle one's eyes with tinsel and +gold leaf; not because they present to us, once again, the well-beloved +chalked faces, and goggle eyes of our childhood; not even because, like +Christmas-day, and Twelfth-night, and Shrove-Tuesday, and one's own +birthday, they come to us but once a year;--our attachment is founded on +a graver and a very different reason. A pantomime is to us, a mirror of +life; nay, more, we maintain that it is so to audiences generally, +although they are not aware of it, and that this very circumstance is the +secret cause of their amusement and delight. + +Let us take a slight example. The scene is a street: an elderly +gentleman, with a large face and strongly marked features, appears. His +countenance beams with a sunny smile, and a perpetual dimple is on his +broad, red cheek. He is evidently an opulent elderly gentleman, +comfortable in circumstances, and well-to-do in the world. He is not +unmindful of the adornment of his person, for he is richly, not to say +gaudily, dressed; and that he indulges to a reasonable extent in the +pleasures of the table may be inferred from the joyous and oily manner in +which he rubs his stomach, by way of informing the audience that he is +going home to dinner. In the fulness of his heart, in the fancied +security of wealth, in the possession and enjoyment of all the good +things of life, the elderly gentleman suddenly loses his footing, and +stumbles. How the audience roar! He is set upon by a noisy and +officious crowd, who buffet and cuff him unmercifully. They scream with +delight! Every time the elderly gentleman struggles to get up, his +relentless persecutors knock him down again. The spectators are +convulsed with merriment! And when at last the elderly gentleman does +get up, and staggers away, despoiled of hat, wig, and clothing, himself +battered to pieces, and his watch and money gone, they are exhausted with +laughter, and express their merriment and admiration in rounds of +applause. + +Is this like life? Change the scene to any real street;--to the Stock +Exchange, or the City banker's; the merchant's counting-house, or even +the tradesman's shop. See any one of these men fall,--the more suddenly, +and the nearer the zenith of his pride and riches, the better. What a +wild hallo is raised over his prostrate carcase by the shouting mob; how +they whoop and yell as he lies humbled beneath them! Mark how eagerly +they set upon him when he is down; and how they mock and deride him as he +slinks away. Why, it is the pantomime to the very letter. + +Of all the pantomimic _dramatis personae_, we consider the pantaloon the +most worthless and debauched. Independent of the dislike one naturally +feels at seeing a gentleman of his years engaged in pursuits highly +unbecoming his gravity and time of life, we cannot conceal from ourselves +the fact that he is a treacherous, worldly-minded old villain, constantly +enticing his younger companion, the clown, into acts of fraud or petty +larceny, and generally standing aside to watch the result of the +enterprise. If it be successful, he never forgets to return for his +share of the spoil; but if it turn out a failure, he generally retires +with remarkable caution and expedition, and keeps carefully aloof until +the affair has blown over. His amorous propensities, too, are eminently +disagreeable; and his mode of addressing ladies in the open street at +noon-day is down-right improper, being usually neither more nor less than +a perceptible tickling of the aforesaid ladies in the waist, after +committing which, he starts back, manifestly ashamed (as well he may be) +of his own indecorum and temerity; continuing, nevertheless, to ogle and +beckon to them from a distance in a very unpleasant and immoral manner. + +Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his own social +circle? Is there any man who has not seen them swarming at the west end +of the town on a sunshiny day or a summer's evening, going through the +last-named pantomimic feats with as much liquorish energy, and as total +an absence of reserve, as if they were on the very stage itself? We can +tell upon our fingers a dozen pantaloons of our acquaintance at this +moment--capital pantaloons, who have been performing all kinds of strange +freaks, to the great amusement of their friends and acquaintance, for +years past; and who to this day are making such comical and ineffectual +attempts to be young and dissolute, that all beholders are like to die +with laughter. + +Take that old gentleman who has just emerged from the _Cafe de l'Europe_ +in the Haymarket, where he has been dining at the expense of the young +man upon town with whom he shakes hands as they part at the door of the +tavern. The affected warmth of that shake of the hand, the courteous +nod, the obvious recollection of the dinner, the savoury flavour of which +still hangs upon his lips, are all characteristics of his great +prototype. He hobbles away humming an opera tune, and twirling his cane +to and fro, with affected carelessness. Suddenly he stops--'tis at the +milliner's window. He peeps through one of the large panes of glass; +and, his view of the ladies within being obstructed by the India shawls, +directs his attentions to the young girl with the band-box in her hand, +who is gazing in at the window also. See! he draws beside her. He +coughs; she turns away from him. He draws near her again; she disregards +him. He gleefully chucks her under the chin, and, retreating a few +steps, nods and beckons with fantastic grimaces, while the girl bestows a +contemptuous and supercilious look upon his wrinkled visage. She turns +away with a flounce, and the old gentleman trots after her with a +toothless chuckle. The pantaloon to the life! + +But the close resemblance which the clowns of the stage bear to those of +every-day life is perfectly extraordinary. Some people talk with a sigh +of the decline of pantomime, and murmur in low and dismal tones the name +of Grimaldi. We mean no disparagement to the worthy and excellent old +man when we say that this is downright nonsense. Clowns that beat +Grimaldi all to nothing turn up every day, and nobody patronizes +them--more's the pity! + +'I know who you mean,' says some dirty-faced patron of Mr. +Osbaldistone's, laying down the Miscellany when he has got thus far, and +bestowing upon vacancy a most knowing glance; 'you mean C. J. Smith as +did Guy Fawkes, and George Barnwell at the Garden.' The dirty-faced +gentleman has hardly uttered the words, when he is interrupted by a young +gentleman in no shirt-collar and a Petersham coat. 'No, no,' says the +young gentleman; 'he means Brown, King, and Gibson, at the 'Delphi.' +Now, with great deference both to the first-named gentleman with the +dirty face, and the last-named gentleman in the non-existing +shirt-collar, we do _not_ mean either the performer who so grotesquely +burlesqued the Popish conspirator, or the three unchangeables who have +been dancing the same dance under different imposing titles, and doing +the same thing under various high-sounding names for some five or six +years last past. We have no sooner made this avowal, than the public, +who have hitherto been silent witnesses of the dispute, inquire what on +earth it is we _do_ mean; and, with becoming respect, we proceed to tell +them. + +It is very well known to all playgoers and pantomime-seers, that the +scenes in which a theatrical clown is at the very height of his glory are +those which are described in the play-bills as 'Cheesemonger's shop and +Crockery warehouse,' or 'Tailor's shop, and Mrs. Queertable's +boarding-house,' or places bearing some such title, where the great fun +of the thing consists in the hero's taking lodgings which he has not the +slightest intention of paying for, or obtaining goods under false +pretences, or abstracting the stock-in-trade of the respectable +shopkeeper next door, or robbing warehouse porters as they pass under his +window, or, to shorten the catalogue, in his swindling everybody he +possibly can, it only remaining to be observed that, the more extensive +the swindling is, and the more barefaced the impudence of the swindler, +the greater the rapture and ecstasy of the audience. Now it is a most +remarkable fact that precisely this sort of thing occurs in real life day +after day, and nobody sees the humour of it. Let us illustrate our +position by detailing the plot of this portion of the pantomime--not of +the theatre, but of life. + +The Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, attended by his livery +servant Do'em--a most respectable servant to look at, who has grown grey +in the service of the captain's family--views, treats for, and ultimately +obtains possession of, the unfurnished house, such a number, such a +street. All the tradesmen in the neighbourhood are in agonies of +competition for the captain's custom; the captain is a good-natured, +kind-hearted, easy man, and, to avoid being the cause of disappointment +to any, he most handsomely gives orders to all. Hampers of wine, baskets +of provisions, cart-loads of furniture, boxes of jewellery, supplies of +luxuries of the costliest description, flock to the house of the +Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, where they are received with the +utmost readiness by the highly respectable Do'em; while the captain +himself struts and swaggers about with that compound air of conscious +superiority and general blood-thirstiness which a military captain should +always, and does most times, wear, to the admiration and terror of +plebeian men. But the tradesmen's backs are no sooner turned, than the +captain, with all the eccentricity of a mighty mind, and assisted by the +faithful Do'em, whose devoted fidelity is not the least touching part of +his character, disposes of everything to great advantage; for, although +the articles fetch small sums, still they are sold considerably above +cost price, the cost to the captain having been nothing at all. After +various manoeuvres, the imposture is discovered, Fitz-Fiercy and Do'em +are recognized as confederates, and the police office to which they are +both taken is thronged with their dupes. + +Who can fail to recognize in this, the exact counterpart of the best +portion of a theatrical pantomime--Fitz-Whisker Fiercy by the clown; +Do'em by the pantaloon; and supernumeraries by the tradesmen? The best +of the joke, too, is, that the very coal-merchant who is loudest in his +complaints against the person who defrauded him, is the identical man who +sat in the centre of the very front row of the pit last night and laughed +the most boisterously at this very same thing,--and not so well done +either. Talk of Grimaldi, we say again! Did Grimaldi, in his best days, +ever do anything in this way equal to Da Costa? + +The mention of this latter justly celebrated clown reminds us of his last +piece of humour, the fraudulently obtaining certain stamped acceptances +from a young gentleman in the army. We had scarcely laid down our pen to +contemplate for a few moments this admirable actor's performance of that +exquisite practical joke, than a new branch of our subject flashed +suddenly upon us. So we take it up again at once. + +All people who have been behind the scenes, and most people who have been +before them, know, that in the representation of a pantomime, a good many +men are sent upon the stage for the express purpose of being cheated, or +knocked down, or both. Now, down to a moment ago, we had never been able +to understand for what possible purpose a great number of odd, lazy, +large-headed men, whom one is in the habit of meeting here, and there, +and everywhere, could ever have been created. We see it all, now. They +are the supernumeraries in the pantomime of life; the men who have been +thrust into it, with no other view than to be constantly tumbling over +each other, and running their heads against all sorts of strange things. +We sat opposite to one of these men at a supper-table, only last week. +Now we think of it, he was exactly like the gentlemen with the pasteboard +heads and faces, who do the corresponding business in the theatrical +pantomimes; there was the same broad stolid simper--the same dull leaden +eye--the same unmeaning, vacant stare; and whatever was said, or whatever +was done, he always came in at precisely the wrong place, or jostled +against something that he had not the slightest business with. We looked +at the man across the table again and again; and could not satisfy +ourselves what race of beings to class him with. How very odd that this +never occurred to us before! + +We will frankly own that we have been much troubled with the harlequin. +We see harlequins of so many kinds in the real living pantomime, that we +hardly know which to select as the proper fellow of him of the theatres. +At one time we were disposed to think that the harlequin was neither more +nor less than a young man of family and independent property, who had run +away with an opera-dancer, and was fooling his life and his means away in +light and trivial amusements. On reflection, however, we remembered that +harlequins are occasionally guilty of witty, and even clever acts, and we +are rather disposed to acquit our young men of family and independent +property, generally speaking, of any such misdemeanours. On a more +mature consideration of the subject, we have arrived at the conclusion +that the harlequins of life are just ordinary men, to be found in no +particular walk or degree, on whom a certain station, or particular +conjunction of circumstances, confers the magic wand. And this brings us +to a few words on the pantomime of public and political life, which we +shall say at once, and then conclude--merely premising in this place that +we decline any reference whatever to the columbine, being in no wise +satisfied of the nature of her connection with her parti-coloured lover, +and not feeling by any means clear that we should be justified in +introducing her to the virtuous and respectable ladies who peruse our +lucubrations. + +We take it that the commencement of a Session of Parliament is neither +more nor less than the drawing up of the curtain for a grand comic +pantomime, and that his Majesty's most gracious speech on the opening +thereof may be not inaptly compared to the clown's opening speech of +'Here we are!' 'My lords and gentlemen, here we are!' appears, to our +mind at least, to be a very good abstract of the point and meaning of the +propitiatory address of the ministry. When we remember how frequently +this speech is made, immediately after _the change_ too, the parallel is +quite perfect, and still more singular. + +Perhaps the cast of our political pantomime never was richer than at this +day. We are particularly strong in clowns. At no former time, we should +say, have we had such astonishing tumblers, or performers so ready to go +through the whole of their feats for the amusement of an admiring throng. +Their extreme readiness to exhibit, indeed, has given rise to some +ill-natured reflections; it having been objected that by exhibiting +gratuitously through the country when the theatre is closed, they reduce +themselves to the level of mountebanks, and thereby tend to degrade the +respectability of the profession. Certainly Grimaldi never did this sort +of thing; and though Brown, King, and Gibson have gone to the Surrey in +vacation time, and Mr. C. J. Smith has ruralised at Sadler's Wells, we +find no theatrical precedent for a general tumbling through the country, +except in the gentleman, name unknown, who threw summersets on behalf of +the late Mr. Richardson, and who is no authority either, because he had +never been on the regular boards. + +But, laying aside this question, which after all is a mere matter of +taste, we may reflect with pride and gratification of heart on the +proficiency of our clowns as exhibited in the season. Night after night +will they twist and tumble about, till two, three, and four o'clock in +the morning; playing the strangest antics, and giving each other the +funniest slaps on the face that can possibly be imagined, without +evincing the smallest tokens of fatigue. The strange noises, the +confusion, the shouting and roaring, amid which all this is done, too, +would put to shame the most turbulent sixpenny gallery that ever yelled +through a boxing-night. + +It is especially curious to behold one of these clowns compelled to go +through the most surprising contortions by the irresistible influence of +the wand of office, which his leader or harlequin holds above his head. +Acted upon by this wonderful charm he will become perfectly motionless, +moving neither hand, foot, nor finger, and will even lose the faculty of +speech at an instant's notice; or on the other hand, he will become all +life and animation if required, pouring forth a torrent of words without +sense or meaning, throwing himself into the wildest and most fantastic +contortions, and even grovelling on the earth and licking up the dust. +These exhibitions are more curious than pleasing; indeed, they are rather +disgusting than otherwise, except to the admirers of such things, with +whom we confess we have no fellow-feeling. + +Strange tricks--very strange tricks--are also performed by the harlequin +who holds for the time being the magic wand which we have just mentioned. +The mere waving it before a man's eyes will dispossess his brains of all +the notions previously stored there, and fill it with an entirely new set +of ideas; one gentle tap on the back will alter the colour of a man's +coat completely; and there are some expert performers, who, having this +wand held first on one side and then on the other, will change from side +to side, turning their coats at every evolution, with so much rapidity +and dexterity, that the quickest eye can scarcely detect their motions. +Occasionally, the genius who confers the wand, wrests it from the hand of +the temporary possessor, and consigns it to some new performer; on which +occasions all the characters change sides, and then the race and the hard +knocks begin anew. + +We might have extended this chapter to a much greater length--we might +have carried the comparison into the liberal professions--we might have +shown, as was in fact our original purpose, that each is in itself a +little pantomime with scenes and characters of its own, complete; but, as +we fear we have been quite lengthy enough already, we shall leave this +chapter just where it is. A gentleman, not altogether unknown as a +dramatic poet, wrote thus a year or two ago-- + + 'All the world's a stage, + And all the men and women merely players:' + +and we, tracking out his footsteps at the scarcely-worth-mentioning +little distance of a few millions of leagues behind, venture to add, by +way of new reading, that he meant a Pantomime, and that we are all actors +in The Pantomime of Life. + + + +SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION + + +We have a great respect for lions in the abstract. In common with most +other people, we have heard and read of many instances of their bravery +and generosity. We have duly admired that heroic self-denial and +charming philanthropy which prompts them never to eat people except when +they are hungry, and we have been deeply impressed with a becoming sense +of the politeness they are said to display towards unmarried ladies of a +certain state. All natural histories teem with anecdotes illustrative of +their excellent qualities; and one old spelling-book in particular +recounts a touching instance of an old lion, of high moral dignity and +stern principle, who felt it his imperative duty to devour a young man +who had contracted a habit of swearing, as a striking example to the +rising generation. + +All this is extremely pleasant to reflect upon, and, indeed, says a very +great deal in favour of lions as a mass. We are bound to state, however, +that such individual lions as we have happened to fall in with have not +put forth any very striking characteristics, and have not acted up to the +chivalrous character assigned them by their chroniclers. We never saw a +lion in what is called his natural state, certainly; that is to say, we +have never met a lion out walking in a forest, or crouching in his lair +under a tropical sun, waiting till his dinner should happen to come by, +hot from the baker's. But we have seen some under the influence of +captivity, and the pressure of misfortune; and we must say that they +appeared to us very apathetic, heavy-headed fellows. + +The lion at the Zoological Gardens, for instance. He is all very well; +he has an undeniable mane, and looks very fierce; but, Lord bless us! +what of that? The lions of the fashionable world look just as ferocious, +and are the most harmless creatures breathing. A box-lobby lion or a +Regent-street animal will put on a most terrible aspect, and roar, +fearfully, if you affront him; but he will never bite, and, if you offer +to attack him manfully, will fairly turn tail and sneak off. Doubtless +these creatures roam about sometimes in herds, and, if they meet any +especially meek-looking and peaceably-disposed fellow, will endeavour to +frighten him; but the faintest show of a vigorous resistance is +sufficient to scare them even then. These are pleasant characteristics, +whereas we make it matter of distinct charge against the Zoological lion +and his brethren at the fairs, that they are sleepy, dreamy, sluggish +quadrupeds. + +We do not remember to have ever seen one of them perfectly awake, except +at feeding-time. In every respect we uphold the biped lions against +their four-footed namesakes, and we boldly challenge controversy upon the +subject. + +With these opinions it may be easily imagined that our curiosity and +interest were very much excited the other day, when a lady of our +acquaintance called on us and resolutely declined to accept our refusal +of her invitation to an evening party; 'for,' said she, 'I have got a +lion coming.' We at once retracted our plea of a prior engagement, and +became as anxious to go, as we had previously been to stay away. + +We went early, and posted ourselves in an eligible part of the +drawing-room, from whence we could hope to obtain a full view of the +interesting animal. Two or three hours passed, the quadrilles began, the +room filled; but no lion appeared. The lady of the house became +inconsolable,--for it is one of the peculiar privileges of these lions to +make solemn appointments and never keep them,--when all of a sudden there +came a tremendous double rap at the street-door, and the master of the +house, after gliding out (unobserved as he flattered himself) to peep +over the banisters, came into the room, rubbing his hands together with +great glee, and cried out in a very important voice, 'My dear, +Mr.--(naming the lion) has this moment arrived.' + +Upon this, all eyes were turned towards the door, and we observed several +young ladies, who had been laughing and conversing previously with great +gaiety and good humour, grow extremely quiet and sentimental; while some +young gentlemen, who had been cutting great figures in the facetious and +small-talk way, suddenly sank very obviously in the estimation of the +company, and were looked upon with great coldness and indifference. Even +the young man who had been ordered from the music shop to play the +pianoforte was visibly affected, and struck several false notes in the +excess of his excitement. + +All this time there was a great talking outside, more than once +accompanied by a loud laugh, and a cry of 'Oh! capital! excellent!' from +which we inferred that the lion was jocose, and that these exclamations +were occasioned by the transports of his keeper and our host. Nor were +we deceived; for when the lion at last appeared, we overheard his keeper, +who was a little prim man, whisper to several gentlemen of his +acquaintance, with uplifted hands, and every expression of +half-suppressed admiration, that--(naming the lion again) was in _such_ +cue to-night! + +The lion was a literary one. Of course, there were a vast number of +people present who had admired his roarings, and were anxious to be +introduced to him; and very pleasant it was to see them brought up for +the purpose, and to observe the patient dignity with which he received +all their patting and caressing. This brought forcibly to our mind what +we had so often witnessed at country fairs, where the other lions are +compelled to go through as many forms of courtesy as they chance to be +acquainted with, just as often as admiring parties happen to drop in upon +them. + +While the lion was exhibiting in this way, his keeper was not idle, for +he mingled among the crowd, and spread his praises most industriously. +To one gentleman he whispered some very choice thing that the noble +animal had said in the very act of coming up-stairs, which, of course, +rendered the mental effort still more astonishing; to another he murmured +a hasty account of a grand dinner that had taken place the day before, +where twenty-seven gentlemen had got up all at once to demand an extra +cheer for the lion; and to the ladies he made sundry promises of +interceding to procure the majestic brute's sign-manual for their albums. +Then, there were little private consultations in different corners, +relative to the personal appearance and stature of the lion; whether he +was shorter than they had expected to see him, or taller, or thinner, or +fatter, or younger, or older; whether he was like his portrait, or unlike +it; and whether the particular shade of his eyes was black, or blue, or +hazel, or green, or yellow, or mixture. At all these consultations the +keeper assisted; and, in short, the lion was the sole and single subject +of discussion till they sat him down to whist, and then the people +relapsed into their old topics of conversation--themselves and each +other. + +We must confess that we looked forward with no slight impatience to the +announcement of supper; for if you wish to see a tame lion under +particularly favourable circumstances, feeding-time is the period of all +others to pitch upon. We were therefore very much delighted to observe a +sensation among the guests, which we well knew how to interpret, and +immediately afterwards to behold the lion escorting the lady of the house +down-stairs. We offered our arm to an elderly female of our +acquaintance, who--dear old soul!--is the very best person that ever +lived, to lead down to any meal; for, be the room ever so small, or the +party ever so large, she is sure, by some intuitive perception of the +eligible, to push and pull herself and conductor close to the best dishes +on the table;--we say we offered our arm to this elderly female, and, +descending the stairs shortly after the lion, were fortunate enough to +obtain a seat nearly opposite him. + +Of course the keeper was there already. He had planted himself at +precisely that distance from his charge which afforded him a decent +pretext for raising his voice, when he addressed him, to so loud a key, +as could not fail to attract the attention of the whole company, and +immediately began to apply himself seriously to the task of bringing the +lion out, and putting him through the whole of his manoeuvres. Such +flashes of wit as he elicited from the lion! First of all, they began to +make puns upon a salt-cellar, and then upon the breast of a fowl, and +then upon the trifle; but the best jokes of all were decidedly on the +lobster salad, upon which latter subject the lion came out most +vigorously, and, in the opinion of the most competent authorities, quite +outshone himself. This is a very excellent mode of shining in society, +and is founded, we humbly conceive, upon the classic model of the +dialogues between Mr. Punch and his friend the proprietor, wherein the +latter takes all the up-hill work, and is content to pioneer to the jokes +and repartees of Mr. P. himself, who never fails to gain great credit and +excite much laughter thereby. Whatever it be founded on, however, we +recommend it to all lions, present and to come; for in this instance it +succeeded to admiration, and perfectly dazzled the whole body of hearers. + +When the salt-cellar, and the fowl's breast, and the trifle, and the +lobster salad were all exhausted, and could not afford standing-room for +another solitary witticism, the keeper performed that very dangerous feat +which is still done with some of the caravan lions, although in one +instance it terminated fatally, of putting his head in the animal's +mouth, and placing himself entirely at its mercy. Boswell frequently +presents a melancholy instance of the lamentable results of this +achievement, and other keepers and jackals have been terribly lacerated +for their daring. It is due to our lion to state, that he condescended +to be trifled with, in the most gentle manner, and finally went home with +the showman in a hack cab: perfectly peaceable, but slightly fuddled. + +Being in a contemplative mood, we were led to make some reflections upon +the character and conduct of this genus of lions as we walked homewards, +and we were not long in arriving at the conclusion that our former +impression in their favour was very much strengthened and confirmed by +what we had recently seen. While the other lions receive company and +compliments in a sullen, moody, not to say snarling manner, these appear +flattered by the attentions that are paid them; while those conceal +themselves to the utmost of their power from the vulgar gaze, these court +the popular eye, and, unlike their brethren, whom nothing short of +compulsion will move to exertion, are ever ready to display their +acquirements to the wondering throng. We have known bears of undoubted +ability who, when the expectations of a large audience have been wound up +to the utmost pitch, have peremptorily refused to dance; well-taught +monkeys, who have unaccountably objected to exhibit on the slack wire; +and elephants of unquestioned genius, who have suddenly declined to turn +the barrel-organ; but we never once knew or heard of a biped lion, +literary or otherwise,--and we state it as a fact which is highly +creditable to the whole species,--who, occasion offering, did not seize +with avidity on any opportunity which was afforded him, of performing to +his heart's content on the first violin. + + + +MR. ROBERT BOLTON: THE 'GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS' + + +In the parlour of the Green Dragon, a public-house in the immediate +neighbourhood of Westminster Bridge, everybody talks politics, every +evening, the great political authority being Mr. Robert Bolton, an +individual who defines himself as 'a gentleman connected with the press,' +which is a definition of peculiar indefiniteness. Mr. Robert Bolton's +regular circle of admirers and listeners are an undertaker, a +greengrocer, a hairdresser, a baker, a large stomach surmounted by a +man's head, and placed on the top of two particularly short legs, and a +thin man in black, name, profession, and pursuit unknown, who always sits +in the same position, always displays the same long, vacant face, and +never opens his lips, surrounded as he is by most enthusiastic +conversation, except to puff forth a volume of tobacco smoke, or give +vent to a very snappy, loud, and shrill _hem_! The conversation +sometimes turns upon literature, Mr. Bolton being a literary character, +and always upon such news of the day as is exclusively possessed by that +talented individual. I found myself (of course, accidentally) in the +Green Dragon the other evening, and, being somewhat amused by the +following conversation, preserved it. + +'Can you lend me a ten-pound note till Christmas?' inquired the +hairdresser of the stomach. + +'Where's your security, Mr. Clip?' + +'My stock in trade,--there's enough of it, I'm thinking, Mr. Thicknesse. +Some fifty wigs, two poles, half-a-dozen head blocks, and a dead Bruin.' + +'No, I won't, then,' growled out Thicknesse. 'I lends nothing on the +security of the whigs or the Poles either. As for whigs, they're cheats; +as for the Poles, they've got no cash. I never have nothing to do with +blockheads, unless I can't awoid it (ironically), and a dead bear's about +as much use to me as I could be to a dead bear.' + +'Well, then,' urged the other, 'there's a book as belonged to Pope, +Byron's Poems, valued at forty pounds, because it's got Pope's identical +scratch on the back; what do you think of that for security?' + +'Well, to be sure!' cried the baker. 'But how d'ye mean, Mr. Clip?' + +'Mean! why, that it's got the _hottergruff_ of Pope. + + "Steal not this book, for fear of hangman's rope; + For it belongs to Alexander Pope." + +All that's written on the inside of the binding of the book; so, as my +son says, we're _bound_ to believe it.' + +'Well, sir,' observed the undertaker, deferentially, and in a +half-whisper, leaning over the table, and knocking over the hairdresser's +grog as he spoke, 'that argument's very easy upset.' + +'Perhaps, sir,' said Clip, a little flurried, 'you'll pay for the first +upset afore you thinks of another.' + +'Now,' said the undertaker, bowing amicably to the hairdresser, 'I +_think_, I says I _think_--you'll excuse me, Mr. Clip, I _think_, you +see, that won't go down with the present company--unfortunately, my +master had the honour of making the coffin of that ere Lord's housemaid, +not no more nor twenty year ago. Don't think I'm proud on it, gentlemen; +others might be; but I hate rank of any sort. I've no more respect for a +Lord's footman than I have for any respectable tradesman in this room. I +may say no more nor I have for Mr. Clip! (bowing). Therefore, that ere +Lord must have been born long after Pope died. And it's a logical +interference to defer, that they neither of them lived at the same time. +So what I mean is this here, that Pope never had no book, never seed, +felt, never smelt no book (triumphantly) as belonged to that ere Lord. +And, gentlemen, when I consider how patiently you have 'eared the ideas +what I have expressed, I feel bound, as the best way to reward you for +the kindness you have exhibited, to sit down without saying anything +more--partickler as I perceive a worthier visitor nor myself is just +entered. I am not in the habit of paying compliments, gentlemen; when I +do, therefore, I hope I strikes with double force.' + +'Ah, Mr. Murgatroyd! what's all this about striking with double force?' +said the object of the above remark, as he entered. 'I never excuse a +man's getting into a rage during winter, even when he's seated so close +to the fire as you are. It is very injudicious to put yourself into such +a perspiration. What is the cause of this extreme physical and mental +excitement, sir?' + +Such was the very philosophical address of Mr. Robert Bolton, a +shorthand-writer, as he termed himself--a bit of equivoque passing +current among his fraternity, which must give the uninitiated a vast idea +of the establishment of the ministerial organ, while to the initiated it +signifies that no one paper can lay claim to the enjoyment of their +services. Mr. Bolton was a young man, with a somewhat sickly and very +dissipated expression of countenance. His habiliments were composed of +an exquisite union of gentility, slovenliness, assumption, simplicity, +_newness_, and old age. Half of him was dressed for the winter, the +other half for the summer. His hat was of the newest cut, the D'Orsay; +his trousers had been white, but the inroads of mud and ink, etc., had +given them a pie-bald appearance; round his throat he wore a very high +black cravat, of the most tyrannical stiffness; while his _tout ensemble_ +was hidden beneath the enormous folds of an old brown poodle-collared +great-coat, which was closely buttoned up to the aforesaid cravat. His +fingers peeped through the ends of his black kid gloves, and two of the +toes of each foot took a similar view of society through the extremities +of his high-lows. Sacred to the bare walls of his garret be the +mysteries of his interior dress! He was a short, spare man, of a +somewhat inferior deportment. Everybody seemed influenced by his entry +into the room, and his salutation of each member partook of the +patronizing. The hairdresser made way for him between himself and the +stomach. A minute afterwards he had taken possession of his pint and +pipe. A pause in the conversation took place. Everybody was waiting, +anxious for his first observation. + +'Horrid murder in Westminster this morning,' observed Mr. Bolton. + +Everybody changed their positions. All eyes were fixed upon the man of +paragraphs. + +'A baker murdered his son by boiling him in a copper,' said Mr. Bolton. + +'Good heavens!' exclaimed everybody, in simultaneous horror. + +'Boiled him, gentlemen!' added Mr. Bolton, with the most effective +emphasis; '_boiled_ him!' + +'And the particulars, Mr. B.,' inquired the hairdresser, 'the +particulars?' + +Mr. Bolton took a very long draught of porter, and some two or three +dozen whiffs of tobacco, doubtless to instil into the commercial +capacities of the company the superiority of a gentlemen connected with +the press, and then said-- + +'The man was a baker, gentlemen.' (Every one looked at the baker +present, who stared at Bolton.) 'His victim, being his son, also was +necessarily the son of a baker. The wretched murderer had a wife, whom +he was frequently in the habit, while in an intoxicated state, of +kicking, pummelling, flinging mugs at, knocking down, and half-killing +while in bed, by inserting in her mouth a considerable portion of a sheet +or blanket.' + +The speaker took another draught, everybody looked at everybody else, and +exclaimed, 'Horrid!' + +'It appears in evidence, gentlemen,' continued Mr. Bolton, 'that, on the +evening of yesterday, Sawyer the baker came home in a reprehensible state +of beer. Mrs. S., connubially considerate, carried him in that condition +up-stairs into his chamber, and consigned him to their mutual couch. In +a minute or two she lay sleeping beside the man whom the morrow's dawn +beheld a murderer!' (Entire silence informed the reporter that his +picture had attained the awful effect he desired.) 'The son came home +about an hour afterwards, opened the door, and went up to bed. Scarcely +(gentlemen, conceive his feelings of alarm), scarcely had he taken off +his indescribables, when shrieks (to his experienced ear _maternal_ +shrieks) scared the silence of surrounding night. He put his +indescribables on again, and ran down-stairs. He opened the door of the +parental bed-chamber. His father was dancing upon his mother. What must +have been his feelings! In the agony of the minute he rushed at his male +parent as he was about to plunge a knife into the side of his female. +The mother shrieked. The father caught the son (who had wrested the +knife from the paternal grasp) up in his arms, carried him down-stairs, +shoved him into a copper of boiling water among some linen, closed the +lid, and jumped upon the top of it, in which position he was found with a +ferocious countenance by the mother, who arrived in the melancholy +wash-house just as he had so settled himself. + +'"Where's my boy?" shrieked the mother. + +'"In that copper, boiling," coolly replied the benign father. + +'Struck by the awful intelligence, the mother rushed from the house, and +alarmed the neighbourhood. The police entered a minute afterwards. The +father, having bolted the wash-house door, had bolted himself. They +dragged the lifeless body of the boiled baker from the cauldron, and, +with a promptitude commendable in men of their station, they immediately +carried it to the station-house. Subsequently, the baker was apprehended +while seated on the top of a lamp-post in Parliament Street, lighting his +pipe.' + +The whole horrible ideality of the Mysteries of Udolpho, condensed into +the pithy effect of a ten-line paragraph, could not possibly have so +affected the narrator's auditory. Silence, the purest and most noble of +all kinds of applause, bore ample testimony to the barbarity of the +baker, as well as to Bolton's knack of narration; and it was only broken +after some minutes had elapsed by interjectional expressions of the +intense indignation of every man present. The baker wondered how a +British baker could so disgrace himself and the highly honourable calling +to which he belonged; and the others indulged in a variety of wonderments +connected with the subject; among which not the least wonderment was that +which was awakened by the genius and information of Mr. Robert Bolton, +who, after a glowing eulogium on himself, and his unspeakable influence +with the daily press, was proceeding, with a most solemn countenance, to +hear the pros and cons of the Pope autograph question, when I took up my +hat, and left. + + + +FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD +AGED TWO YEARS AND TWO MONTHS + + +MY CHILD, + +To recount with what trouble I have brought you up--with what an anxious +eye I have regarded your progress,--how late and how often I have sat up +at night working for you,--and how many thousand letters I have received +from, and written to your various relations and friends, many of whom +have been of a querulous and irritable turn,--to dwell on the anxiety and +tenderness with which I have (as far as I possessed the power) inspected +and chosen your food; rejecting the indigestible and heavy matter which +some injudicious but well-meaning old ladies would have had you swallow, +and retaining only those light and pleasant articles which I deemed +calculated to keep you free from all gross humours, and to render you an +agreeable child, and one who might be popular with society in +general,--to dilate on the steadiness with which I have prevented your +annoying any company by talking politics--always assuring you that you +would thank me for it yourself some day when you grew older,--to +expatiate, in short, upon my own assiduity as a parent, is beside my +present purpose, though I cannot but contemplate your fair +appearance--your robust health, and unimpeded circulation (which I take +to be the great secret of your good looks) without the liveliest +satisfaction and delight. + +It is a trite observation, and one which, young as you are, I have no +doubt you have often heard repeated, that we have fallen upon strange +times, and live in days of constant shiftings and changes. I had a +melancholy instance of this only a week or two since. I was returning +from Manchester to London by the Mail Train, when I suddenly fell into +another train--a mixed train--of reflection, occasioned by the dejected +and disconsolate demeanour of the Post-Office Guard. We were stopping at +some station where they take in water, when he dismounted slowly from the +little box in which he sits in ghastly mockery of his old condition with +pistol and blunderbuss beside him, ready to shoot the first highwayman +(or railwayman) who shall attempt to stop the horses, which now travel +(when they travel at all) _inside_ and in a portable stable invented for +the purpose,--he dismounted, I say, slowly and sadly, from his post, and +looking mournfully about him as if in dismal recollection of the old +roadside public-house the blazing fire--the glass of foaming ale--the +buxom handmaid and admiring hangers-on of tap-room and stable, all +honoured by his notice; and, retiring a little apart, stood leaning +against a signal-post, surveying the engine with a look of combined +affliction and disgust which no words can describe. His scarlet coat and +golden lace were tarnished with ignoble smoke; flakes of soot had fallen +on his bright green shawl--his pride in days of yore--the steam condensed +in the tunnel from which we had just emerged, shone upon his hat like +rain. His eye betokened that he was thinking of the coachman; and as it +wandered to his own seat and his own fast-fading garb, it was plain to +see that he felt his office and himself had alike no business there, and +were nothing but an elaborate practical joke. + +As we whirled away, I was led insensibly into an anticipation of those +days to come, when mail-coach guards shall no longer be judges of +horse-flesh--when a mail-coach guard shall never even have seen a +horse--when stations shall have superseded stables, and corn shall have +given place to coke. 'In those dawning times,' thought I, +'exhibition-rooms shall teem with portraits of Her Majesty's favourite +engine, with boilers after Nature by future Landseers. Some Amburgh, yet +unborn, shall break wild horses by his magic power; and in the dress of a +mail-coach guard exhibit his TRAINED ANIMALS in a mock mail-coach. Then, +shall wondering crowds observe how that, with the exception of his whip, +it is all his eye; and crowned heads shall see them fed on oats, and +stand alone unmoved and undismayed, while counters flee affrighted when +the coursers neigh!' + +Such, my child, were the reflections from which I was only awakened then, +as I am now, by the necessity of attending to matters of present though +minor importance. I offer no apology to you for the digression, for it +brings me very naturally to the subject of change, which is the very +subject of which I desire to treat. + +In fact, my child, you have changed hands. Henceforth I resign you to +the guardianship and protection of one of my most intimate and valued +friends, Mr. Ainsworth, with whom, and with you, my best wishes and +warmest feelings will ever remain. I reap no gain or profit by parting +from you, nor will any conveyance of your property be required, for, in +this respect, you have always been literally 'Bentley's' Miscellany, and +never mine. + +Unlike the driver of the old Manchester mail, I regard this altered state +of things with feelings of unmingled pleasure and satisfaction. + +Unlike the guard of the new Manchester mail, _your_ guard is at home in +his new place, and has roystering highwaymen and gallant desperadoes ever +within call. And if I might compare you, my child, to an engine; (not a +Tory engine, nor a Whig engine, but a brisk and rapid locomotive;) your +friends and patrons to passengers; and he who now stands towards you _in +loco parentis_ as the skilful engineer and supervisor of the whole, I +would humbly crave leave to postpone the departure of the train on its +new and auspicious course for one brief instant, while, with hat in hand, +I approach side by side with the friend who travelled with me on the old +road, and presume to solicit favour and kindness in behalf of him and his +new charge, both for their sakes and that of the old coachman, + + BOZ. + + + + +Footnotes: + + +{122} This paper was written before the practice of exhibiting Members +of Parliament, like other curiosities, for the small charge of +half-a-crown, was abolished. + +{161} The regulations of the prison relative to the confinement of +prisoners during the day, their sleeping at night, their taking their +meals, and other matters of gaol economy, have been all altered-greatly +for the better--since this sketch was first published. Even the +construction of the prison itself has been changed. + +{165} These two men were executed shortly afterwards. The other was +respited during his Majesty's pleasure. + +{429} [In its original form.] + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES BY BOZ*** + + +******* This file should be named 882.txt or 882.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/8/8/882 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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