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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/8688-8.txt b/8688-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..92dbd1a --- /dev/null +++ b/8688-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13149 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Eleven Comedies, by Aristophanes et al + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Eleven Comedies + +Author: Aristophanes et al + +Release Date: August, 2005 [EBook #8688] +[This file was first posted on August 1, 2003] +Last Updated: October 21, 2019 + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO Latin-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE ELEVEN COMEDIES *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Thomas Berger, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + +The Athenian Society + + +ARISTOPHANES + +THE ELEVEN COMEDIES + + +Now For The First Time Literally And Completely Translated From The Greek +Tongue Into English + +With Translator's Foreword An Introduction To Each Comedy And Elucidatory +Notes + + +The First Of Two Volumes + + * * * * * + +CONTENTS OF THE FIRST VOLUME + +Translator's Foreword +Authorities + +THE KNIGHTS +Introduction +Text And Notes + +THE ACHARNIANS +Introduction +Text And Notes + +PEACE +Introduction +Text And Notes + +LYSISTRATA +Introduction +Text And Notes + +THE CLOUDS +Introduction +Text And Notes + +INDEX + + * * * * * + +Translator's Foreword + +Perhaps the first thing to strike us--paradoxical as it may sound to say +so--about the Athenian 'Old Comedy' is its _modernness_. Of its very +nature, satiric drama comes later than Epic and Lyric poetry, Tragedy or +History; Aristophanes follows Homer and Simonides, Sophocles and +Thucydides. Of its essence, it is free from many of the conventions and +restraining influences of earlier forms of literature, and enjoys much of +the liberty of choice of subject and licence of method that marks +present-day conditions of literary production both on and off the stage. +Its very existence presupposes a fuller and bolder intellectual life, a +more advanced and complex city civilization, a keener taste and livelier +faculty of comprehension in the people who appreciate it, than could +anywhere be found at an earlier epoch. Speaking broadly and generally, +the Aristophanic drama has more in common with modern ways of looking at +things, more in common with the conditions of the modern stage, +especially in certain directions--burlesque, extravaganza, musical farce, +and even 'pantomime,' than with the earlier and graver products of the +Greek mind. + +The eleven plays, all that have come down to us out of a total of over +forty staged by our author in the course of his long career, deal with +the events of the day, the incidents and personages of contemporary +Athenian city life, playing freely over the surface of things familiar to +the audience and naturally provoking their interest and rousing their +prejudices, dealing with contemporary local gossip, contemporary art and +literature, and above all contemporary politics, domestic and foreign. +All this _farrago_ of miscellaneous subjects is treated in a frank, +uncompromising spirit of criticism and satire, a spirit of broad fun, +side-splitting laughter and reckless high spirits. Whatever lends itself +to ridicule is instantly seized upon; odd, eccentric and degraded +personalities are caricatured, social foibles and vices pilloried, +pomposity and sententiousness in the verses of the poets, particularly +the tragedians, and most particularly in Euripides--the pet aversion and +constant butt of Aristophanes' satire--are parodied. All is fish that +comes to the Comic dramatists net, anything that will raise a laugh is +fair game. + +"It is difficult to compare the Aristophanic Comedy to any one form of +modern literature, dramatic or other. It perhaps most resembles what we +now call burlesque; but it had also very much in it of broad farce and +comic opera, and something also (in the hits at the fashions and follies +of the day with which it abounded) of the modern pantomime. But it was +something more, and more important to the Athenian public than any or all +of these could have been. Almost always more or less political, and +sometimes intensely personal, and always with some purpose more or less +important underlying its wildest vagaries and coarsest buffooneries, it +supplied the place of the political journal, the literary review, the +popular caricature and the party pamphlet, of our own times. It combined +the attractions and influence of all these; for its grotesque masks and +elaborate 'spectacle' addressed the eye as strongly as the author's +keenest witticisms did the ear of his audience."[1] + +Rollicking, reckless, uproarious fun is the key-note; though a more +serious intention is always latent underneath. Aristophanes was a +strong--sometimes an unscrupulous--partisan; he was an uncompromising +Conservative of the old school, an ardent admirer of the vanishing +aristocratic régime, an anti-Imperialist--'Imperialism' was a +_democratic_ craze at Athens--and never lost an opportunity of throwing +scorn on Cleon the demagogue, his political _bête noïre_ and personal +enemy, Cleon's henchmen of the popular faction, and the War party +generally. Gravity, solemnity, seriousness, are conspicuous by their +absence; even that 'restraint' which is the salient characteristic of +Greek expression in literature no less than in Art, is largely relaxed in +the rough-and-tumble, informal, miscellaneous _modern_ phantasmagoria of +these diverting extravaganzas. + +At the same time we must not be misled by the word 'Comedy' to bring +Aristophanes' work into comparison with what we call Comedy now. This is +quite another thing--confined to a representation of incidents of +private, generally polite life, and made up of the intrigues and +entanglements of social and domestic situations. Such a Comedy the Greeks +did produce, but at a date fifty or sixty years subsequent to +Aristophanes' day, and recognized by themselves as belonging to an +entirely different genre. Hence the distinction drawn between 'The Old +Comedy,' of which Cratinus and his younger contemporaries, Eupolis and +Aristophanes, were the leading representatives, and which was at +high-water mark just before and during the course of the great struggle +of the Peloponnesian War, and 'The New Comedy,' a comedy of manners, the +two chief exponents of which were Philemon and Menander, writing after +Athens had fallen under the Macedonian yoke, and politics were excluded +altogether from the stage. Menander's plays in turn were the originals of +those produced by Plautus and Terence at Rome, whose existing Comedies +afford some faint idea of what the lost masterpieces of their Greek +predecessor must have been. Unlike the 'Old,' the 'New Comedy' had no +Chorus and no 'Parabasis.' + +This remarkable and distinctive feature, by-the-bye, of the Old Comedy, +the 'Parabasis' to wit, calls for a word of explanation. It was a direct +address on the Author's part to the audience, delivered in verse of a +special metre, generally towards the close of the representation, by the +leader of the Chorus, but expressing the personal opinions and +predilections of the poet, and embodying any remarks upon current topics +and any urgent piece of advice which he was particularly anxious to +insist on. Often it was made the vehicle for special appeal to the +sympathetic consideration of the spectators for the play and its merits. +These 'parabases,' so characteristic of the Aristophanic comedy, are +conceived in the brightest and wittiest vein, and abound in topical +allusions and personal hits that must have constituted them perhaps the +most telling part of the whole performance. + +Aristophanes deals with all questions; for him the domain of the Comic +Poet has no limits, his mission is as wide as human nature. It is to +Athens he addresses himself, to the city as a whole; his criticism +embraces morals no less than politics, poetry no less than philosophy; he +does not hesitate to assail the rites and dogmas of Paganism; whatever +affords subject for laughter or vituperation lies within his province; +there he is in his element, scourge in hand, his heart ablaze with +indignation, pitiless, and utterly careless of all social distinctions. + +In Politics Aristophanes belongs to the party of the Aristocracy. He +could not do otherwise, seeing that the democratic principle was then +triumphant; Comedy is never laudatory, it lives upon criticism, it must +bite to the quick to win a hearing; its strength, its vital force is +contradiction. Thus the abuses of democracy and demagogy were the most +favourable element possible for the development of Aristophanes' genius, +just because his merciless satire finds more abundant subject-matter +there than under any other form of civil constitution. Then are we +actually to believe that the necessity of his profession as a comic poet +alone drove him into the faction of the malcontents? This would surely be +to wilfully mistake the dignity of character and consistency of +conviction which are to be found underlying all his productions. +Throughout his long career as a dramatist his predilections always remain +the same, as likewise his antipathies, and in many respects the party he +champions so ardently had claims to be regarded as representing the best +interests of the state. It is but just therefore to proclaim +Aristophanes as having deserved well of his country, and to admit the +genuine courage he displayed in attacking before the people the people's +own favourites, assailing in word those who held the sword. To mock at +the folly of a nation that lets itself be cajoled by vain and empty +flatteries, to preach peace to fellow-citizens enamoured of war, was to +fulfil a dangerous rôle, that would never have appealed, we may feel +sure, to a mere vulgar ambition. + +Moreover his genius, pre-eminently Greek as it is, has an instinctive +horror of all excesses, and hits out at them wherever he marks their +existence, whether amongst the great or the humble of the earth. +Supposing the Aristocracy, having won the victory the Poet desired, had +fallen in turn into oppression and misgovernment, doubtless Aristophanes +would have lashed its members with his most biting sarcasms. It is just +because Liberty is dear to his heart that he hates government by +Demagogues; he would fain free the city from the despotism of a clique of +wretched intriguers that oppressed her. But at the same time the +Aristocracy favoured by our Author was not such as comes by birth and +privilege, but such as is won and maintained by merit and high service to +the state. + +In matters of morality his satires have the same high aims. How should a +corrupted population recover purity, if not by returning to the old +unsullied sources from which earlier generations had drawn their +inspiration? Accordingly we find Aristophanes constantly bringing on the +stage the "men of Marathon," the vigorous generation to which Athens owed +her freedom and her greatness. It is no mere childish commonplace with +our poet, this laudation of a past age; the facts of History prove he was +in the right, all the novelties he condemns were as a matter of fact so +many causes that brought about Athenian decadence. Directly the citizen +receives payment for attending the Assembly, he is no longer a perfectly +free agent in the disposal of his vote; besides, the practice is +equivalent to setting a premium on idleness, and so ruining all proper +activity; a populace maintained by the state loses all energy, falls into +a lethargy and dies. The life of the forum is a formidable solvent of +virtue and vigour; by dint of speechifying, men forget how to act. +Another thing was the introduction of 'the new education,' imported by +'the Sophists,' which substituted for serious studies, definitely limited +and systematically pursued, a crowd of vague and subtle speculations; it +was a mental gymnastic that gave suppleness to the wits, it is true, but +only by corrupting and deteriorating the moral sense, a system that in +the long run was merely destructive. Such, then, was the threefold poison +that was destroying Athenian morality--the triobolus, the noisy +assemblies in the Agora, the doctrines of the Sophists; the antidote was +the recollection of former virtue and past prosperity, which the Poet +systematically revives in contrast with the turpitudes and trivialities +of the present day. There is no turning back the course of history; but +if Aristophanes' efforts have remained abortive, they are not therefore +inglorious. Is the moralist to despair and throw away his pen, because in +so many cases his voice finds no echo? + +Again we find Aristophanes' literary views embodying the same good sense +which led him to see the truth in politics and morals. Here likewise it +is not the individual he attacks; his criticism is general. His adversary +is not the individual Euripides, but under his name depraved taste and +the abandonment of that noble simplicity which had produced the +masterpieces of the age of Pericles. Euripides was no ordinary writer, +that is beyond question; but the very excellence of his qualities made +his influence only the more dangerous. + +Literary reform is closely connected with moral regeneration, the +decadence of the one being both cause and effect of the deterioration of +the other. The author who should succeed in purifying the public taste +would come near restoring to repute healthy and honest views of life. +Aristophanes essayed the task both by criticism and example--by +criticism, directing the shafts of his ridicule at over-emphasis and +over-subtlety, by example, writing himself in inimitable perfection the +beautiful Attic dialect, which was being enervated and effeminated and +spoiled in the hands of his opponents. + +Even the Gods were not spared by the Aristophanic wit and badinage; in +'Plutus,' in 'The Birds,' in 'The Frogs,' we see them very roughly +handled. To wonder at these profane drolleries, however, is to fail +altogether to grasp the privileges of ancient comedy and the very nature +of Athenian society. The Comic Poets exercised unlimited rights of making +fun; we do not read in history of a single one of the class having ever +been called to the bar of justice to answer for the audacity of his +dramatic efforts. The same liberty extended to religious matters; the +Athenian people, keen, delicately organized, quick to see a joke and +loving laughter for its own sake, even when the point told against +themselves, this people of mockers felt convinced the Gods appreciated +raillery just as well as men did. Moreover, the Greeks do not appear to +have had any very strong attachment to Paganism as a matter of dogmatic +belief. To say nothing of the enlightened classes, who saw in this vast +hierarchy of divinities only an ingenious allegory, the populace even was +mainly concerned with the processions and songs and dances, the banquets +and spectacular shows and all the external pomp and splendour of a cult +the magnificence and varied rites of which amused its curiosity. But +serious faith, ardent devotion, dogmatic discussion, is there a trace of +these things? A sensual and poetic type of religion, Paganism was +accepted at Athens only by the imagination, not by the reason; its +ceremonies were duly performed, without any real piety touching the +heart. Thus the audience felt no call to champion the cause of their +deities when held up to ribaldry on the open stage; they left them to +defend themselves--if they could. + +Thus Aristophanes, we see, covered the whole field of thought; he +scourged whatever was vicious or ridiculous, whether before the altars of +the Gods, in the schools of the Sophists, or on the Orators' platform. +But the wider the duty he undertook, the harder it became to fulfil this +duty adequately. How satisfy a public made up of so many and such diverse +elements, so sharply contrasted by birth, fortune, education, opinion, +interest? How hold sway over a body of spectators, who were at the same +time judges? To succeed in the task he was bound to be master of all +styles of diction--at one and the same time a dainty poet and a diverting +buffoon. It is just this universality of genius, this combination of the +most eminent and various qualities, that has won Aristophanes a place +apart among satirists; and if it be true to say that well-written works +never die, the style alone of his Comedies would have assured their +immortality. + +No writer, indeed, has been more pre-eminent in that simple, clear, +precise, elegant diction that is the peculiar glory of Attic literature, +the brilliant yet concise quality of which the authors of no other Greek +city were quite able to attain. He shows, each in its due turn, vigour +and suppleness of language, he exercises a sure and spontaneous choice of +correct terms, the proper combination of harmonious phrases, he goes +straight to his object, he aims well and hits hard, even when he seems to +be merely grazing the surface. Under his apparent negligence lies +concealed the high perfection of accomplished art. This applies to the +dialogues. In the choruses, Aristophanes speaks the tongue of Pindar and +Sophocles; he follows the footsteps of those two mighty masters of the +choric hymn into the highest regions of poetry; his lyric style is bold, +impetuous, abounding in verve and brilliance, yet without the high-flown +inspiration ever involving a lapse from good taste. + +One of the forms in which he is fondest of clothing his conceptions is +allegory; it may truly lie said that the stage of Aristophanes is a +series of caricatures where every idea has taken on a corporeal +presentment and is reproduced under human lineaments. To personify the +abstract notion, to dress it up in the shape of an animated being for its +better comprehension by the public, is in fact a proceeding altogether in +harmony with the customs and conventions of Ancient Comedy. The Comic +Poet never spares us a single detail of everyday life, no matter how +commonplace or degrading; he pushes the materialistic delineation of the +passions and vices to the extreme limit of obscene gesture and the most +cynical shamelessness of word and act. + +This scorn of propriety, this unchecked licence of speech, has often been +made a subject of reproach against Aristophanes, and it appears to the +best modern critics that the poet would have been not a whit less +diverting or effective had he respected the dictates of common decency. +But it is only fair, surely, before finally condemning our Author, to +consider whether the times in which he lived, the origin itself of the +Greek Comedy, and the constitution of the audience, do not entitle him at +any rate to claim the benefit of extenuating circumstances. We must not +forget that Comedy owes its birth to those festivals at which Priapus was +adored side by side with Bacchus, and that 'Phallophoria' (carrying the +symbols of generation in procession) still existed as a religious rite at +the date when Aristophanes was composing his plays. Nor must we forget +that theatrical performances were at Athens forbidden pleasures to women +and children. Above all we should take full account of the code of social +custom and morality then prevailing. The Ancients never understood +modesty quite in the same way as our refined modern civilization does; +they spoke of everything without the smallest reticence, and expressions +which would revolt the least squeamish amongst ourselves did not surprise +or shock the most fastidious. We ought not, therefore, to blame too +severely the Comic Poet, who after all was only following in this respect +the habits of his age; and if his pictures are often repulsively bestial, +let us lay most blame to the account of a state of society which deserved +to be painted in such odiously black colours. Doubtless Aristophanes +might have given less Prominence to these cynical representations, +instead of revelling in them, as he really seems to have done; men of +taste and refinement, and there must have been such even among his +audience, would have thought all the better of him! But it was the +populace filled the bulk of the benches, and the populace loved coarse +laughter and filthy words. The Poet supplied what the majority demanded; +he was not the man to sacrifice one of the easiest and surest means of +winning applause and popularity. + +Aristophanes enjoyed an ample share of glory in his lifetime, and +posterity has ratified the verdict given by his contemporaries. The +epitaph is well-known which Plato composed for him, after his death: "The +Graces, seeking an imperishable sanctuary, found the soul of +Aristophanes." Such eulogy may appear excessive to one who re-peruses +after the lapse of twenty centuries these pictures of a vanished world. +But if, despite the profound differences of custom, taste and opinion +which separate our own age from that of the Greeks, despite the obscurity +of a host of passages whose especial point lay in their reference to some +topic of the moment, and which inevitably leave us cold at the present +day--if, despite all this, we still feel ourselves carried away, charmed, +diverted, dominated by this dazzling _verve_, these copious outpourings +of imagination, wit and poesy, let us try to realize in thought what must +have been the unbounded pleasure of an Athenian audience listening to one +of our Author's satires. Then every detail was realized, every nuance of +criticism appreciated; every allusion told, and the model was often +actually sitting in the semicircle of the auditorium facing the copy at +that time being presented on the stage. "What a passion of excitement! +What transports of enthusiasm and angry protest! What bursts of +uncontrollable merriment! What thunders of applause! How the Comic Poet +must have felt himself a King, indeed, in presence of these popular +storms which, like the god of the sea, he could arouse and allay at his +good will and pleasure!"[2] + +To return for a moment to the coarseness of language so often pointed to +as a blot in Aristophanes. "The great comedian has been censured and +apologized for on this ground, over and over again. His personal +exculpation must always rest upon the fact, that the wildest licence in +which he indulged was not only recognized as permissible, but actually +enjoined as part of the ceremonial at these festivals of Bacchus; that it +was not only in accordance with public taste, but was consecrated as a +part of the national religion.... But the coarseness of Aristophanes is +not corrupting. There is nothing immoral in his plots, nothing really +dangerous in his broadest humour. Compared with some of our old English +dramatists, he is morality itself. And when we remember the plots of some +French and English plays which now attract fashionable audiences, and the +character of some modern French and English novels not unfrequently found +(at any rate in England) upon drawing-room tables, the least that can be +said is, that we had better not cast stones at Aristophanes."[3] +Moreover, it should be borne in mind that Athenian custom did not +sanction the presence of women--at least women of reputable character--at +these performances. + +The particular plays, though none are free from it, which most abound in +this ribald fun--for fun it always is, never mere pruriency for its own +sake, Aristophanes has a deal of the old 'esprit gaulois' about him--are +the 'Peace' and, as might be expected from its theme, lending itself so +readily to suggestive allusions and situations, above all the +'Lysistrata.' The 'Thesmophoriazusae' and 'Ecclesiazusae' also take ample +toll in this sort of the 'risqué' situations incidental to their plots, +the dressing up of men as women in the former, and of women as men in the +latter. Needless to say, no faithful translator will emasculate his +author by expurgation, and the reader will here find Aristophanes' +Comedies as Aristophanes wrote them, not as Mrs. Grundy might wish him to +have written them. + +These performances took place at the Festivals of Dionysus (Bacchus), +either the Great Dionysia or the minor celebration of the Lenaea, and +were in a sense religious ceremonials--at any rate under distinct +religious sanction. The representations were held in the Great Theatre of +Dionysus, under the slope of the Acropolis, extensive remains of which +still exist; several plays were brought out at each festival in +competition, and prizes, first and second, were awarded to the most +successful productions--rewards which were the object of the most intense +ambition. + +Next to nothing is known of the private life of Aristophanes, and that +little, beyond the two or three main facts given below, is highly +dubious, not to say apocryphal. He was born about 444 B.C., probably at +Athens. His father held property in Aegina, and the family may very +likely have come originally from that island. At any rate, this much is +certain, that the author's arch-enemy Cleon made more than one judicial +attempt to prove him of alien birth and therefore not properly entitled +to the rights of Athenian citizenship; but in this he entirely failed. +The great Comedian had three sons, but of these and their career history +says nothing whatever. Such incidents and anecdotes of our author's +literary life as have come down to us are all connected with one or other +of the several plays, and will be found alluded to in the special +Introductions prefixed to these. He died about 380 B.C.--the best and +central years of his life and work thus coinciding with the great +national period of stress and struggle, the Peloponnesian War, 431-404 +B.C. He continued to produce plays for the Athenian stage for the long +period of thirty-seven years; though only eleven Comedies, out of a +reputed total of forty, have survived. + +A word or two as to existing translations of Aristophanes. These, the +English ones at any rate, leave much to be desired; indeed it is not too +much to say that there is no version of our Author in the language which +gives the general reader anything like an adequate notion of these Plays. +We speak of prose renderings. Aristophanes has been far more fortunate in +his verse translators--Mitchell, who published four Comedies in this form +in 1822, old-fashioned, but still helpful, Hookham Frere, five plays +(1871), both scholarly and spirited, and last but not least, Mr. Bickley +Rogers, whose excellent versions have appeared at intervals since 1867. +But from their very nature these cannot afford anything like an exact +idea of the 'ipsissima verba' of the Comedies, while all slur over or +omit altogether passages in any way 'risqué.' There remains only our old +friend 'Bohn' ("The Comedies of Aristophanes; a literal Translation by W. +J. Hickie"), and what stuff 'Bohn' is! By very dint of downright +literalness--though not, by-the-bye, always downright accuracy--any true +notion of the Author's meaning is quite obscured. The letter kills the +spirit. + +The French prose versions are very good. That by C. Poyard (in the series +of "Chefs-d'oeuvre des Littératures Anciennes") combines scholarly +precision with an easy, racy, vernacular style in a way that seems +impossible to any but a French scholar. + +The order here adopted for the successive plays differs slightly from +that observed in most editions; but as these latter do not agree amongst +themselves, this small assumption of licence appears not unwarrantable. +Chronologically 'The Acharnians' (426 B.C.) should come first; but it +seems more convenient to group it with the two other "Comedies of the +War," the whole trilogy dealing with the hardships involved by the +struggle with the Lacedaemonians and the longings of the Athenian people +for the blessings of peace. This leaves 'The Knights' to open the whole +series--the most important politically of all Aristophanes' productions, +embodying as it does his trenchant attack on the great demagogue Cleon +and striking the keynote of the author's general attitude as advocate of +old-fashioned conservatism against the new democracy, its reckless +'Imperialism' and the unscrupulous and self-seeking policy, so the +aristocratic party deemed it, of its accredited leaders. + +Order, as thus rearranged, approximate date, and _motif_ (in brief) of +each of the eleven Comedies are given below: + + 'The Knights': 424 B.C.--eighth year of the War. Attacks Cleon, the + Progressives, and the War policy generally. + + + Comedies of the War:-- + + 'The Acharnians': 426 B.C.--sixth year of the War. Insists on the + miseries consequent on the War, especially affecting the rural + population, as represented by the Acharnian Dicaeopolis and his + fellow demesmen. Incidentally makes fun of the tragedian Euripides. + + 'Peace': 422 B.C.--tenth year of the War. Further insists on the same + theme, and enlarges on the blessings of Peace. The hero Trygaeus + flies to Olympus, mounted on a beetle, to bring back the goddess + Peace to earth. + + 'Lysistrata': 411 B.C.--twenty-first year of the War. A burlesque + conspiracy entered into by the confederated women of Hellas, led by + Lysistrata the Athenian, to compel the men to conclude peace. + + + 'The Clouds': 423 B.C.--satirizes Socrates, the 'Sophists,' and the + 'New Education.' + + 'The Wasps': 422 B.C. Makes fun of the Athenian passion for + litigation, and the unsatisfactory organization of the Courts. + Contains the incident of the mock trial of the thievish house-dog. + + 'The Birds': 414 B.C. Euelpides and Pisthetaerus, disgusted with the + state of things at Athens, build a new and improved city, + Cloud-cuckoo-town, in the kingdom of the birds. Some see an allusion + to the Sicilian expedition, and Alcibiades' Utopian schemes. + + 'The Frogs': 405 B.C. A satire on Euripides and the 'New Tragedy.' + Dionysus, patron of the Drama, dissatisfied with the contemporary + condition of the Art, goes down to Hades to bring back to earth a + poet of the older and worthier school. + + 'The Thesmophoriazusae': 412 B.C. Another literary satire; Euripides, + summoned as a notorious defamer of women to defend himself before the + dames of Athens assembled in solemn conclave at the Thesmophoria, or + festival of Demeter and Persephone, induces his father-in-law, + Mnesilochus, to dress up in women's clothes, penetrate thus disguised + into the assemblage, and plead the poet's cause, but with scant + success. + + 'The Ecclesiazusae': 392 B.C. Pokes fun at the ideal Utopias, such as + Plato's 'Republic,' based on sweeping social and economic changes, + greatly in vogue with the Sophists of the day. The women of the city + disguise themselves as men, slip into the Public Assembly and secure + a majority of votes. They then pass a series of decrees providing for + community of goods and community of women, which produce, + particularly the latter, a number of embarrassing and diverting + consequences. + + 'Plutus': 408 and 388 B.C. A whimsical allegory more than a regular + comedy. Plutus, the god of wealth, has been blinded by Zeus; + discovered in the guise of a ragged beggarman and succoured by + Chremylus, an old man who has ruined himself by generosity to his + friends, he is restored to sight by Aesculapius. He duly rewards + Chremylus, and henceforth apportions this world's goods among mankind + on juster principles--enriching the just, but condemning the unjust + to poverty. + +AUTHORITIES + +List Of Editions, Commentaries, Etc., Used Or Consulted + +Text: edit. Dindorf, Oxford + +Text: edit. Blaydes. 1886. + +Text, with Notes, etc.: edit. Immanuel Bekker. 5 vols. 1829. + +Text, with Notes, etc.: Brunck. + +Text, with (German) Notes, etc.: Separate Plays: edit. Kock. + +Text, with Notes, etc.: Separate Plays: edit. Rev. W. W. Merry. +1887-1901. + +Translation: English, by W. J. Hickie. (Bohn's Classical Library.) + +Translation: English verse, 'Knights,' 'Acharnians,' 'Clouds,' 'Wasps,' +by Mitchell. 1822. + +Translation: English verse, 'Knights,' 'Acharnians,' 'Birds,' 'Frogs,' +'Peace,' by Hookham Frere. 1871. + +Translation: English verse, Various Plays, by B. Bickley Rogers. 1867 +onwards. + +Translation: French, by C. Poyard. ("Chefs-d'oeuvre des Littératures +Anciennes." Paris, Hachette. 1875.) + +Translation: French, by Eugène Talbot, with Preface by Sully Prudhomme. 2 +vols. Paris, Lemerre. 1897. + +Translation: German, by Droysen. + +"Aristophanes" (Ancient Classics for English Readers): edit. W. Lucas +Collins. 1897. + +"Aristophane et l'ancienne Comédie attique," par Auguste Couat. Paris. +1889. + +"Aristophane et les Partis à Athens," par Maurice Croiset. Paris, +Fontemoing. 1906. + +"Beiträge zur inneren Geschichte Athens im Zeitalter des Pelopon. +Krieges," G. Gilbert. Leipzig. 1877. + +"Die attischen Politik seit Perikles," J. Beloch. Leipzig. 1884. + +"Aristophanes und die historische Kritik," Müller-Strübing. Leipzig. +1873. + + + + +Footnotes: + +[1] Ancient Classics for English Readers: Aristophanes, by Lucas Collins, +Introductory Chapter, p. 2. + +[2] "Aristophane": Traduction Nouvelle, par C. Poyard (Paris, 1875): +Introduction. + +[3] Ancient Classics for English Readers: "Aristophanes," by Lucas +Collins. Introductory Chapter, p. 12. + + + + +THE KNIGHTS + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +This was the fourth play in order of time produced by Aristophanes on the +Athenian stage; it was brought out at the Lenaean Festival, in January, +424 B.C. Of the author's previous efforts, two, 'The Revellers' and 'The +Babylonians,' were apparently youthful essays, and are both lost. The +other, 'The Acharnians,' forms the first of the three Comedies dealing +directly with the War and its disastrous effects and urging the +conclusion of Peace; for this reason it is better ranged along with its +sequels, the 'Peace' and the 'Lysistrata,' and considered in conjunction +with them. + +In many respects 'The Knights' may be reckoned the great Comedian's +masterpiece, the direct personal attack on the then all-powerful Cleon, +with its scathing satire and tremendous invective, being one of the most +vigorous and startling things in literature. Already in 'The Acharnians' +he had threatened to "cut up Cleon the Tanner into shoe-leather for the +Knights," and he now proceeds to carry his menace into execution, +"concentrating the whole force of his wit in the most unscrupulous and +merciless fashion against his personal enemy." In the first-mentioned +play Aristophanes had attacked and satirized the whole general policy of +the democratic party--and incidentally Cleon, its leading spirit and +mouthpiece since the death of Pericles; he had painted the miseries of +war and invasion arising from this mistaken and mischievous line of +action, as he regarded it, and had dwelt on the urgent necessity of peace +in the interests of an exhausted country and ruined agriculture. Now he +turns upon Cleon personally, and pays him back a hundredfold for the +attacks the demagogue had made in the Public Assembly on the daring +critic, and the abortive charge which the same unscrupulous enemy had +brought against him in the Courts of having "slandered the city in the +presence of foreigners." "In this bitterness of spirit the play stands in +strong contrast with the good-humoured burlesque of 'The Acharnians' and +the 'Peace,' or, indeed, with any other of the author's productions which +has reached us." + +The characters are five only. First and foremost comes Demos, 'The +People,' typifying the Athenian democracy, a rich householder--a +self-indulgent, superstitious, weak creature. He has had several +overseers or factors in succession, to look after his estate and manage +his slaves. The present one is known as 'the Paphlagonian,' or sometimes +as 'the Tanner,' an unprincipled, lying, cheating, pilfering scoundrel, +fawning and obsequious to his master, insolent towards his subordinates. +Two of these are Nicias and Demosthenes. Here we have real names. Nicias +was High Admiral of the Athenian navy at the time, and Demosthenes one of +his Vice-Admirals; both held still more important commands later in +connection with the Sicilian Expedition of 415-413 B.C. Fear of +consequences apparently prevented the poet from doing the same in the +case of Cleon, who is, of course, intended under the names of 'the +Paphlagonian' and 'the Tanner.' Indeed, so great was the terror inspired +by the great man that no artist was found bold enough to risk his +powerful vengeance by caricaturing his features, and no actor dared to +represent him on the stage. Aristophanes is said to have played the part +himself, with his face, in the absence of a mask, smeared with wine-lees, +roughly mimicking the purple and bloated visage of the demagogue. The +remaining character is 'the Sausage-seller,' who is egged on by Nicias +and Demosthenes to oust 'the Paphlagonian' from Demos' favour by outvying +him in his own arts of impudent flattery, noisy boasting and unscrupulous +allurement. After a fierce and stubbornly contested trial of wits and +interchange of 'Billingsgate,' 'the Sausage-seller' beats his rival at +his own weapons and gains his object; he supplants the disgraced +favourite, who is driven out of the house with ignominy. + +The Comedy takes its title, as was often the case, from the Chorus, which +is composed of Knights--the order of citizens next to the highest at +Athens, and embodying many of the old aristocratic preferences and +prejudices. + +The drama was adjudged the first prize--the 'Satyrs' of Cratinus being +placed second--by acclamation, as such a masterpiece of wit and +intrepidity certainly deserved to be; but, as usual, the political result +was nil. The piece was applauded in the most enthusiastic manner, the +satire on the sovereign multitude was forgiven, and--Cleon remained in as +much favour as ever.[4] + + * * * * * + +THE KNIGHTS + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +DEMOSTHENES. +NICIAS. +AGORACRITUS, a Sausage-seller. +CLEON. +DEMOS, an old man, typifying the Athenian people. +CHORUS OF KNIGHTS. + +SCENE: In front of Demos' house at Athens. + + * * * * * + +THE KNIGHTS + + +DEMOSTHENES. Oh! alas! alas! Oh! woe! oh! woe! Miserable Paphlagonian![5] +may the gods destroy both him and his cursed advice! Since that evil day +when this new slave entered the house he has never ceased belabouring us +with blows. + +NICIAS. May the plague seize him, the arch-fiend--him and his lying +tales! + +DEMOSTHENES. Hah! my poor fellow, what is your condition? + +NICIAS. Very wretched, just like your own. + +DEMOSTHENES. Then come, let us sing a duet of groans in the style of +Olympus.[6] + +DEMOSTHENES AND NICIAS. Boo, hoo! boo, hoo! boo, hoo! boo, hoo! boo, hoo! +boo, hoo!! + +DEMOSTHENES. Bah! 'tis lost labour to weep! Enough of groaning! Let us +consider how to save our pelts. + +NICIAS. But how to do it! Can you suggest anything? + +DEMOSTHENES. Nay! you begin. I cede you the honour. + +NICIAS. By Apollo! no, not I. Come, have courage! Speak, and then I will +say what I think. + +DEMOSTHENES. "Ah! would you but tell me what I should tell you!"[7] + +NICIAS. I dare not. How could I express my thoughts with the pomp of +Euripides? + +DEMOSTHENES. Oh! prithee, spare me! Do not pelt me with those +vegetables,[8] but find some way of leaving our master. + +NICIAS. Well, then! Say "Let-us-bolt," like this, in one breath. + +DEMOSTHENES. I follow you--"Let-us-bolt." + +NICIAS. Now after "Let-us-bolt" say "at-top-speed!" + +DEMOSTHENES. "At-top-speed!" + +NICIAS. Splendid! Just as if you were masturbating yourself; first +slowly, "Let-us-bolt"; then quick and firmly, "at-top-speed!" + +DEMOSTHENES. Let-us-bolt, let-us-bolt-at-top-speed![9] + +NICIAS. Hah! does that not please you? + +DEMOSTHENES. I' faith, yes! yet I fear me your omen bodes no good to my +hide. + +NICIAS. How so? + +DEMOSTHENES. Because hard rubbing abrades the skin when folk masturbate +themselves. + +NICIAS. The best thing we can do for the moment is to throw ourselves at +the feet of the statue of some god. + +DEMOSTHENES. Of which statue? Any statue? Do you then believe there are +gods? + +NICIAS. Certainly. + +DEMOSTHENES. What proof have you? + +NICIAS. The proof that they have taken a grudge against me. Is that not +enough? + +DEMOSTHENES. I'm convinced it is. But to pass on. Do you consent to my +telling the spectators of our troubles? + +NICIAS. 'Twould not be amiss, and we might ask them to show us by their +manner, whether our facts and actions are to their liking. + +DEMOSTHENES. I will begin then. We have a very brutal master, a perfect +glutton for beans,[10] and most bad-tempered; 'tis Demos of the Pnyx,[11] +an intolerable old man and half deaf. The beginning of last month he +bought a slave, a Paphlagonian tanner, an arrant rogue, the incarnation +of calumny. This man of leather knows his old master thoroughly; he plays +the fawning cur, flatters, cajoles; wheedles, and dupes him at will with +little scraps of leavings, which he allows him to get. "Dear Demos," he +will say, "try a single case and you will have done enough; then take +your bath, eat, swallow and devour; here are three obols."[12] Then the +Paphlagonian filches from one of us what we have prepared and makes a +present of it to our old man. T'other day I had just kneaded a Spartan +cake at Pylos;[13] the cunning rogue came behind my back, sneaked it and +offered the cake, which was my invention, in his own name. He keeps us at +a distance and suffers none but himself to wait upon the master; when +Demos is dining, he keeps close to his side with a thong in his hand and +puts the orators to flight. He keeps singing oracles to him, so that the +old man now thinks of nothing but the Sibyl. Then, when he sees him +thoroughly obfuscated, he uses all his cunning and piles up lies and +calumnies against the household; then we are scourged and the +Paphlagonian runs about among the slaves to demand contributions with +threats and gathers 'em in with both hands. He will say, "You see how I +have had Hylas beaten! Either content me or die at once!" We are forced +to give, for else the old man tramples on us and makes us spew forth all +our body contains. There must be an end to it, friend. Let us see! what +can be done? Who will get us out of this mess? + +NICIAS. The best thing, chum, is our famous "Let-us-bolt!" + +DEMOSTHENES. But none can escape the Paphlagonian, his eye is everywhere. +And what a stride! He has one leg on Pylos and the other in the Assembly; +his rump is exactly over the land of the Chaonians, his hands are with +the Aetolians and his mind with the Clopidians.[14] + +NICIAS. 'Tis best then to die; but let us seek the most heroic death. + +DEMOSTHENES. Let me bethink me, what is the most heroic? + +NICIAS. Let us drink the blood of a bull; 'tis the death which +Themistocles chose.[15] + +DEMOSTHENES. No, not that, but a bumper of good unmixed wine in honour of +the Good Genius;[16] perchance we may stumble on a happy thought. + +NICIAS. Look at him! "Unmixed wine!" Your mind is on drink intent? Can a +man strike out a brilliant thought when drunk? + +DEMOSTHENES. Without question. Go, ninny, blow yourself out with water; +do you dare to accuse wine of clouding the reason? Quote me more +marvellous effects than those of wine. Look! when a man drinks, he is +rich, everything he touches succeeds, he gains lawsuits, is happy and +helps his friends. Come, bring hither quick a flagon of wine, that I may +soak my brain and get an ingenious idea. + +NICIAS. Eh, my god! What can your drinking do to help us? + +DEMOSTHENES. Much. But bring it to me, while I take my seat. Once drunk, +I shall strew little ideas, little phrases, little reasonings everywhere. + +NICIAS (_returning with a flagon_). It is lucky I was not caught in the +house stealing the wine. + +DEMOSTHENES. Tell me, what is the Paphlagonian doing now? + +NICIAS. The wretch has just gobbled up some confiscated cakes; he is +drunk and lies at full-length a-snoring on his hides. + +DEMOSTHENES. Very well, come along, pour me out wine and plenty of it. + +NICIAS. Take it and offer a libation to your Good Genius; taste, taste +the liquor of the genial soil of Pramnium.[17] + +DEMOSTHENES. Oh, Good Genius! 'Tis thy will, not mine. + +NICIAS. Prithee, tell me, what is it? + +DEMOSTHENES. Run indoors quick and steal the oracles of the Paphlagonian, +while he is asleep.[18] + +NICIAS. Bless me! I fear this Good Genius will be but a very Bad Genius +for me. + +DEMOSTHENES. And set the flagon near me, that I may moisten my wit to +invent some brilliant notion. + +NICIAS (_enters the house and returns at once_). How the Paphlagonian +grunts and snores! I was able to seize the sacred oracle, which he was +guarding with the greatest care, without his seeing me. + +DEMOSTHENES. Oh! clever fellow! Hand it here, that I may read. Come, pour +me out some drink, bestir yourself! Let me see what there is in it. Oh! +prophecy! Some drink! some drink! Quick! + +NICIAS. Well! what says the oracle? + +DEMOSTHENES. Pour again. + +NICIAS. Is "pour again" in the oracle? + +DEMOSTHENES. Oh, Bacis![19] + +NICIAS. But what is in it? + +DEMOSTHENES. Quick! some drink! + +NICIAS. Bacis is very dry! + +DEMOSTHENES. Oh! miserable Paphlagonian! This then is why you have so +long taken such precautions; your horoscope gave you qualms of terror. + +NICIAS. What does it say? + +DEMOSTHENES. It says here how he must end. + +NICIAS. And how? + +DEMOSTHENES. How? the oracle announces clearly that a dealer in oakum +must first govern the city.[20] + +NICIAS. First dealer. And after him, who? + +DEMOSTHENES. After him, a sheep-dealer.[21] + +NICIAS. Two dealers, eh? And what is this one's fate? + +DEMOSTHENES. To reign until a greater scoundrel than he arises; then he +perishes and in his place the leather-seller appears, the Paphlagonian +robber, the bawler, who roars like a torrent.[22] + +NICIAS. And the leather-seller must destroy the sheep-seller? + +DEMOSTHENES. Yes. + +NICIAS. Oh! woe is me! Where can another seller be found, is there ever a +one left? + +DEMOSTHENES. There is yet one, who plies a firstrate trade. + +NICIAS. Tell me, pray, what is that? + +DEMOSTHENES. You really want to know? + +NICIAS. Yes. + +DEMOSTHENES. Well then! 'tis a sausage-seller who must overthrow him. + +NICIAS. A sausage-seller! Ah! by Posidon! what a fine trade! But where +can this man be found? + +DEMOSTHENES. Let us seek him. + +NICIAS. Lo! there he is, going towards the market-place; 'tis the gods, +the gods who send him! + +DEMOSTHENES. This way, this way, oh, lucky sausage-seller, come forward, +dear friend, our saviour, the saviour of our city. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. What is it? Why do you call me? + +DEMOSTHENES. Come here, come and learn about your good luck, you who are +Fortune's favourite! + +NICIAS. Come! Relieve him of his basket-tray and tell him the oracle of +the god; I will go and look after the Paphlagonian. + +DEMOSTHENES. First put down all your gear, then worship the earth and the +gods. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Tis done. What is the matter? + +DEMOSTHENES. Happiness, riches, power; to-day you have nothing, to-morrow +you will have all, oh! chief of happy Athens. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Why not leave me to wash my tripe and to sell my sausages +instead of making game of me? + +DEMOSTHENES. Oh! the fool! Your tripe! Do you see these tiers of +people?[23] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Yes. + +DEMOSTHENES. You shall be master to them all, governor of the market, of +the harbours, of the Pnyx; you shall trample the Senate under foot, be +able to cashier the generals, load them with fetters, throw them into +gaol, and you will play the debauchee in the Prytaneum.[24] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. What! I? + +DEMOSTHENES. You, without a doubt. But you do not yet see all the glory +awaiting you. Stand on your basket and look at all the islands that +surround Athens.[25] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I see them. What then? + +DEMOSTHENES. Look at the storehouses and the shipping. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Yes, I am looking. + +DEMOSTHENES. Exists there a mortal more blest than you? Furthermore, turn +your right eye towards Caria and your left towards Chalcedon.[26] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Tis then a blessing to squint! + +DEMOSTHENES. No, but 'tis you who are going to trade away all this. +According to the oracle you must become the greatest of men. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Just tell me how a sausage-seller can become a great man. + +DEMOSTHENES. That is precisely why you will be great, because you are a +sad rascal without shame, no better than a common market rogue. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I do not hold myself worthy of wielding power. + +DEMOSTHENES. Oh! by the gods! Why do you not hold yourself worthy? Have +you then such a good opinion of yourself? Come, are you of honest +parentage? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. By the gods! No! of very bad indeed. + +DEMOSTHENES. Spoilt child of fortune, everything fits together to ensure +your greatness. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. But I have not had the least education. I can only read, +and that very badly. + +DEMOSTHENES. That is what may stand in your way, almost knowing how to +read. The demagogues will neither have an educated nor an honest man; +they require an ignoramus and a rogue. But do not, do not let go this +gift, which the oracle promises. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. But what does the oracle say? + +DEMOSTHENES. Faith! it is put together in very fine enigmatical style, as +elegant as it is clear: "When the eagle-tanner with the hooked claws +shall seize a stupid dragon, a blood-sucker, it will be an end to the hot +Paphlagonian pickled garlic. The god grants great glory to the +sausage-sellers unless they prefer to sell their wares." + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. In what way does this concern me? Pray instruct my +ignorance. + +DEMOSTHENES. The eagle-tanner is the Paphlagonian. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. What do the hooked claws mean? + +DEMOSTHENES. It means to say, that he robs and pillages us with his +claw-like hands. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And the dragon? + +DEMOSTHENES. That is quite clear. The dragon is long and so also is the +sausage; the sausage like the dragon is a drinker of blood. Therefore the +oracle says, that the dragon will triumph over the eagle-tanner, if he +does not let himself be cajoled with words. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. The oracles of the gods summon me! Faith! I do not at all +understand how I can be capable of governing the people. + +DEMOSTHENES. Nothing simpler. Continue your trade. Mix and knead together +all the state business as you do for your sausages. To win the people, +always cook them some savoury that pleases them. Besides, you possess all +the attributes of a demagogue; a screeching, horrible voice, a perverse, +cross-grained nature and the language of the market-place. In you all is +united which is needful for governing. The oracles are in your favour, +even including that of Delphi. Come, take a chaplet, offer a libation to +the god of Stupidity[27] and take care to fight vigorously. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Who will be my ally? for the rich fear the Paphlagonian +and the poor shudder at the sight of him. + +DEMOSTHENES. You will have a thousand brave Knights,[28] who detest him, +on your side; also the honest citizens amongst the spectators, those who +are men of brave hearts, and finally myself and the god. Fear not, you +will not see his features, for none have dared to make a mask resembling +him. But the public have wit enough to recognize him.[29] + +NICIAS. Oh! mercy! here is the Paphlagonian! + +CLEON. By the twelve gods! Woe betide you, who have too long been +conspiring against Demos. What means this Chalcidian cup? No doubt you +are provoking the Chalcidians to revolt. You shall be killed, butchered, +you brace of rogues. + +DEMOSTHENES. What! are you for running away? Come, come, stand firm, bold +Sausage-seller, do not betray us. To the rescue, oh! Knights. Now is the +time. Simon, Panaetius,[30] get you to the right wing; they are coming +on; hold tight and return to the charge. I can see the dust of their +horses' hoofs; they are galloping to our aid. Courage! Repel, attack +them, put them to flight. + +CHORUS. Strike, strike the villain, who has spread confusion amongst the +ranks of the Knights, this public robber, this yawning gulf of plunder, +this devouring Charybdis,[31] this villain, this villain, this villain! I +cannot say the word too often, for he _is_ a villain a thousand times a +day. Come, strike, drive, hurl him over and crush him to pieces; hate him +as we hate him; stun him with your blows and your shouts. And beware lest +he escape you; he knows the way Eucrates[32] took straight to a bran sack +for concealment. + +CLEON. Oh! veteran Heliasts,[33] brotherhood of the three obols,[34] whom +I fostered by bawling at random, help me; I am being beaten to death by +rebels. + +CHORUS. And 'tis justice; you devour the public funds that all should +share in; you treat the officers answerable for the revenue like the +fruit of the fig tree, squeezing them to find which are still green or +more or less ripe; and, when you find one simple and timid, you force him +to come from the Chersonese,[35] then you seize him by the middle, +throttle him by the neck, while you twist his shoulder back; he falls and +you devour him.[36] Besides, you know very well how to select from among +the citizens those who are as meek as lambs, rich, without guile and +loathers of lawsuits. + +CLEON. Eh! what! Knights, are you helping them? But, if I am beaten, 'tis +in your cause, for I was going to propose to erect you a statue in the +city in memory of your bravery. + +CHORUS. Oh! the impostor! the dull varlet! See! he treats us like old +dotards and crawls at our feet to deceive us; but the cunning wherein +lies his power shall this time recoil on himself; he trips up himself by +resorting to such artifices. + +CLEON. Oh Citizens! oh people! see how these brutes are bursting my +belly. + +CHORUS. What shouts! but 'tis this very bawling that incessantly upsets +the city! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I can shout too--and so loud that you will flee with +fear. + +CHORUS. If you shout louder than he does, I will strike up the triumphal +hymn; if you surpass him in impudence, the cake is ours. + +CLEON. I denounce this fellow; he has had tasty stews exported from +Athens for the Spartan fleet. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I denounce him, who runs into the Prytaneum with +empty belly and comes out with it full. + +DEMOSTHENES. And by Zeus! he carries off bread, meat, and fish, which is +forbidden. Pericles himself never had this right. + +CLEON. You are travelling the right road to get killed. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I'll bawl three times as loud as you. + +CLEON. I will deafen you with my yells. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I you with my bellowing. + +CLEON. I shall calumniate you, if you become a Strategus.[37] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Dog, I will lay your back open with the lash. + +CLEON. I will make you drop your arrogance. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will baffle your machinations. + +CLEON. Dare to look me in the face! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I too was brought up in the market-place. + +CLEON. I will cut you to shreds if you whisper a word. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will daub you with dung if you open your mouth. + +CLEON. I own I am a thief; do you admit yourself another. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. By our Hermes of the market-place, if caught in the act, +why, I perjure myself before those who saw me. + +CLEON. These are my own special tricks. I will denounce you to the +Prytanes[38] as the owner of sacred tripe, that has not paid tithe. + +CHORUS. Oh! you scoundrel! you impudent bawler! everything is filled with +your daring, all Attica, the Assembly, the Treasury, the decrees, the +tribunals. As a furious torrent you have overthrown our city; your +outcries have deafened Athens and, posted upon a high rock, you have lain +in wait for the tribute moneys as the fisherman does for the tunny-fish. + +CLEON. I know your tricks; 'tis an old plot resoled.[39] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. If you know naught of soling, I understand nothing of +sausages; you, who cut bad leather on the slant to make it look stout and +deceive the country yokels. They had not worn it a day before it had +stretched some two spans. + +DEMOSTHENES 'Tis the very trick he served me; both my neighbours and my +friends laughed heartily at me, and before I reached Pergasae[40] I was +swimming in my shoes. + +CHORUS. Have you not always shown that blatant impudence, which is the +sole strength of our orators? You push it so far, that you, the head of +the State, dare to milk the purses of the opulent aliens and, at sight of +you, the son of Hippodamus[41] melts into tears. But here is another man, +who gives me pleasure, for he is a much greater rascal than you; he will +overthrow you; 'tis easy to see, that he will beat you in roguery, in +brazenness and in clever turns. Come, you, who have been brought up among +the class which to-day gives us all our great men, show us that a liberal +education is mere tomfoolery. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Just hear what sort of fellow that fine citizen is. + +CLEON. Will you not let me speak? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Assuredly not, for I also am a sad rascal. + +CHORUS. If he does not give in at that, tell him your parents were sad +rascals too. + +CLEON. Once more, will you not let me speak? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, by Zeus! + +CLEON. Yes, by Zeus, but you shall! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, by Posidon! We will fight first to see who shall +speak first. + +CLEON. I will die sooner. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will not let you.... + +CHORUS. Let him, in the name of the gods, let him die. + +CLEON. What makes you so bold as to dare to speak to my face? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Tis that I know both how to speak and how to cook. + +CLEON. Hah! the fine speaker! Truly, if some business matter fell your +way, you would know thoroughly well how to attack it, to carve it up +alive! Shall I tell you what has happened to you? Like so many others, +you have gained some petty lawsuit against some alien.[42] Did you drink +enough water to inspire you? Did you mutter over the thing sufficiently +through the night, spout it along the street, recite it to all you met? +Have you bored your friends enough with it? 'Tis then for this you deem +yourself an orator. Ah! poor fool! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And what do you drink yourself then, to be able all alone +by yourself to dumbfound and stupefy the city so with your clamour? + +CLEON. Can you match me with a rival? Me! When I have devoured a good hot +tunny-fish and drunk on top of it a great jar of unmixed wine, I hold up +the Generals of Pylos to public scorn. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I, when I have bolted the tripe of an ox together +with a sow's belly and swallowed the broth as well, I am fit, though +slobbering with grease, to bellow louder than all orators and to terrify +Nicias. + +CHORUS. I admire your language so much; the only thing I do not approve +is that you swallow all the broth yourself. + +CLEON. E'en though you gorged yourself on sea-dogs, you would not beat +the Milesians. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Give me a bullock's breast to devour, and I am a man to +traffic in mines.[43] + +CLEON. I will rush into the Senate and set them all by the ears. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I will lug out your gut to stuff like a sausage. + +CLEON. As for me, I will seize you by the rump and hurl you head foremost +through the door. + +CHORUS. In any case, by Posidon, 'twill only be when you have thrown _me_ +there first.[44] + +CLEON. Beware of the carcan![45] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I denounce you for cowardice. + +CLEON. I will tan your hide. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will flay you and make a thief's pouch with the skin. + +CLEON. I will peg you out on the ground. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will slice you into mince-meat. + +CLEON. I will tear out your eyelashes. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will slit your gullet. + +DEMOSTHENES. We will set his mouth open with a wooden stick as the cooks +do with pigs; we will tear out his tongue, and, looking down his gaping +throat, will see whether his inside has any pimples.[46] + +CHORUS. Thus then at Athens we have something more fiery than fire, more +impudent than impudence itself! 'Tis a grave matter; come, we will push +and jostle him without mercy. There, you grip him tightly under the arms; +if he gives way at the onset, you will find him nothing but a craven; I +know my man. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. That he has been all his life and he has only made +himself a name by reaping another's harvest; and now he has tied up the +ears he gathered over there, he lets them dry and seeks to sell them.[47] + +CLEON. I do not fear you as long as there is a Senate and a people which +stands like a fool, gaping in the air. + +CHORUS. What unparalleled impudence! 'Tis ever the same brazen front. If +I don't hate you, why, I'm ready to take the place of the one blanket +Cratinus wets;[48] I'll offer to play a tragedy by Morsimus.[49] Oh! you +cheat! who turn all into money, who flutter from one extortion to +another; may you disgorge as quickly as you have crammed yourself! Then +only would I sing, "Let us drink, let us drink to this happy event!"[50] +Then even the son of Iulius,[51] the old niggard, would empty his cup +with transports of joy, crying, "Io, Paean! Io, Bacchus!" + +CLEON. By Posidon! You! would you beat me in impudence! If you succeed, +may I no longer have my share of the victims offered to Zeus on the city +altar. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I, I swear by the blows that have so oft rained upon +my shoulders since infancy, and by the knives that have cut me, that I +will show more effrontery than you; as sure as I have rounded this fine +stomach by feeding on the pieces of bread that had cleansed other folk's +greasy fingers.[52] + +CLEON. On pieces of bread, like a dog! Ah! wretch! you have the nature of +a dog and you dare to fight a cynecephalus?[53] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I have many another trick in my sack, memories of my +childhood's days. I used to linger around the cooks and say to them, +"Look, friends, don't you see a swallow? 'tis the herald of springtime." +And while they stood, their noses in the air, I made off with a piece of +meat. + +CHORUS. Oh! most clever man! How well thought out! You did as the eaters +of artichokes, you gathered them before the return of the swallows.[54] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. They could make nothing of it; or, if they suspected a +trick, I hid the meat in my breeches and denied the thing by all the +gods; so that an orator, seeing me at the game, cried, "This child will +get on; he has the mettle that makes a statesman." + +CHORUS. He argued rightly; to steal, perjure yourself and make a receiver +of your rump[55] are three essentials for climbing high. + +CLEON. I will stop your insolence, or rather the insolence of both of +you. I will throw myself upon you like a terrible hurricane ravaging both +land and sea at the will of its fury. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Then I will gather up my sausages and entrust myself to +the kindly waves of fortune so as to make you all the more enraged. + +DEMOSTHENES. And I will watch in the bilges in case the boat should make +water. + +CLEON. No, by Demeter! I swear, 'twill not be with impunity that you have +thieved so many talents from the Athenians.[56] + +CHORUS (_to the Sausage-seller_). Oh! oh! reef your sail a bit! Here is +Boreas blowing calumniously. + +CLEON. I know that you got ten talents out of Potidaea.[57] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Hold! I will give you one; but keep it dark! + +CHORUS. Hah! that will please him mightily; now you can travel under full +sail. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Yes, the wind has lost its violence. + +CLEON. I will bring four suits against you, each of one hundred +talents.[58] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I twenty against you for shirking duty and more than +a thousand for robbery. + +CLEON. I maintain that your parents were guilty of sacrilege against the +goddess.[59] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I, that one of your grandfathers was a satellite.... + +CLEON. To whom? Explain! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. To Byrsina, the mother of Hippias.[60] + +CLEON. You are an impostor. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And you are a rogue. + +CHORUS. Hit him hard. + +CLEON. Oh, oh, dear! The conspirators are murdering me! + +CHORUS. Strike, strike with all your might; bruise his belly, lashing him +with your guts and your tripe; punish him with both arms! Oh! vigorous +assailant and intrepid heart! Have you not routed him totally in this +duel of abuse? how shall I give tongue to my joy and sufficiently praise +you? + +CLEON. Ah! by Demeter! I was not ignorant of this plot against me; I knew +it was forming, that the chariot of war was being put together.[61] + +CHORUS (_to Sausage-seller_). Look out, look out! Come, outfence him with +some wheelwright slang? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. His tricks at Argos do not escape me. Under pretence of +forming an alliance with the Argives, he is hatching a plot with the +Lacedaemonians there; and I know why the bellows are blowing and the +metal that is on the anvil; 'tis the question of the prisoners. + +CHORUS. Well done! Forge on, if he be a wheelwright. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And there are men at Sparta[62] who are hammering the +iron with you; but neither gold nor silver nor prayers nor anything else +shall impede my denouncing your trickery to the Athenians. + +CLEON. As for me, I hasten to the Senate to reveal your plotting, your +nightly gatherings in the city, your trafficking with the Medes and with +the Great King, and all you are foraging for in Boeotia.[63] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. What price then is paid for forage by Boeotians? + +CLEON. Oh! by Heracles! I will tan your hide. + +CHORUS. Come, if you have both wit and heart, now is the time to show it, +as on the day when you hid the meat in your breeches, as you say. Hasten +to the Senate, for he will rush there like a tornado to calumniate us all +and give vent to his fearful bellowings. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I am going, but first I must rid myself of my tripe and +my knives; I will leave them here. + +CHORUS. Stay! rub your neck with lard; in this way you will slip between +the fingers of calumny. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Spoken like a finished master of fence. + +CHORUS. Now, bolt down these cloves of garlic. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Pray, what for? + +CHORUS. Well primed with garlic, you will have greater mettle for the +fight. But hurry, hurry, bestir yourself! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. That's just what I am doing. + +CHORUS. And, above all, bite your foe, rend him to atoms, tear off his +comb[64] and do not return until you have devoured his wattles. Go! make +your attack with a light heart, avenge me and may Zeus guard you! I burn +to see you return the victor and laden with chaplets of glory. And you, +spectators, enlightened critics of all kinds of poetry, lend an ear to my +anapaests.[65] + +CHORUS. Had one of the old authors asked to mount this stage to recite +his verses, he would not have found it hard to persuade me. But our poet +of to-day is likewise worthy of this favour; he shares our hatred, he +dares to tell the truth, he boldly braves both waterspouts and +hurricanes. Many among you, he tells us, have expressed wonder, that he +has not long since had a piece presented in his own name, and have asked +the reason why.[66] This is what he bids us say in reply to your +questions; 'tis not without grounds that he has courted the shade, for, +in his opinion, nothing is more difficult than to cultivate the comic +Muse; many court her, but very few secure her favours. Moreover, he knows +that you are fickle by nature and betray your poets when they grow old. +What fate befell Magnes,[67] when his hair went white? Often enough has +he triumphed over his rivals; he has sung in all keys, played the lyre +and fluttered wings; he turned into a Lydian and even into a gnat, daubed +himself with green to become a frog.[68] All in vain! When young, you +applauded him; in his old age you hooted and mocked him, because his +genius for raillery had gone. Cratinus[69] again was like a torrent of +glory rushing across the plain, uprooting oak, plane tree and rivals and +bearing them pell-mell in its wake. The only songs at the banquet were, +'Doro, shod with lying tales' and 'Adepts of the Lyric Muse';[70] so +great was his renown. Look at him now! he drivels, his lyre has neither +strings nor keys, his voice quivers, but you have no pity for him, and +you let him wander about as he can, like Connas,[71] his temples circled +with a withered chaplet; the poor old fellow is dying of thirst; he who, +in honour of his glorious past, should be in the Prytaneum drinking at +his ease, and instead of trudging the country should be sitting amongst +the first row of the spectators, close to the statue of Dionysus[72] and +loaded with perfumes. Crates,[73] again, have you done hounding him with +your rage and your hisses? True, 'twas but meagre fare that his sterile +Muse could offer you; a few ingenious fancies formed the sole +ingredients, but nevertheless he knew how to stand firm and to recover +from his falls. 'Tis such examples that frighten our poet; in addition, +he would tell himself, that before being a pilot, he must first know how +to row, then to keep watch at the prow, after that how to gauge the +winds, and that only then would he be able to command his vessel.[74] If +then you approve this wise caution and his resolve that he would not bore +you with foolish nonsense, raise loud waves of applause in his favour +this day, so that, at this Lenaean feast, the breath of your favour may +swell the sails of his trumphant galley and the poet may withdraw proud +of his success, with head erect and his face beaming with delight. + +Posidon, god of the racing steed, I salute you, you who delight in their +neighing and in the resounding clatter of their brass-shod hoofs, god of +the swift galleys, which, loaded with mercenaries, cleave the seas with +their azure beaks, god of the equestrian contests, in which young rivals, +eager for glory, ruin themselves for the sake of distinction with their +chariots in the arena, come and direct our chorus; Posidon with the +trident of gold, you, who reign over the dolphins, who are worshipped at +Sunium and at Geraestus[75] beloved of Phormio,[76] and dear to the whole +city above all the immortals, I salute you! + +Let us sing the glory of our forefathers; ever victors, both on land and +sea, they merit that Athens, rendered famous by these, her worthy sons, +should write their deeds upon the sacred peplus.[77] As soon as they saw +the enemy, they at once sprang at him without ever counting his strength. +Should one of them fall in the conflict, he would shake off the dust, +deny his mishap and begin the struggle anew. Not one of these Generals of +old time would have asked Cleaenetus[78] to be fed at the cost of the +state; but our present men refuse to fight, unless they get the honours +of the Prytaneum and precedence in their seats. As for us, we place our +valour gratuitously at the service of Athens and of her gods; our only +hope is, that, should peace ever put a term to our toils, you will not +grudge us our long, scented hair nor our delicate care for our toilet. + +Oh! Pallas, guardian of Athens, you, who reign over the most pious city, +the most powerful, the richest in warriors and in poets, hasten to my +call, bringing in your train our faithful ally in all our expeditions and +combats, Victory, who smiles on our choruses and fights with us against +our rivals. Oh! goddess! manifest yourself to our sight; this day more +than ever we deserve that you should ensure our triumph. + +We will sing likewise the exploits of our steeds! they are worthy of our +praises;[79] in what invasions, what fights have I not seen them helping +us! But especially admirable were they, when they bravely leapt upon the +galleys, taking nothing with them but a coarse wine, some cloves of +garlic and onions; despite this, they nevertheless seized the sweeps just +like men, curved their backs over the thwarts and shouted, "Hippopopoh! +Give way! Come, all pull together! Come, come! How! Samphoras![80] Are +you not rowing?" They rushed down upon the coast of Corinth, and the +youngest hollowed out beds in the sand with their hoofs or went to fetch +coverings; instead of luzern, they had no food but crabs, which they +caught on the strand and even in the sea; so that Theorus causes a +Corinthian[81] crab to say, "'Tis a cruel fate, oh Posidon! neither my +deep hiding-places, whether on land or at sea, can help me to escape the +Knights." + +Welcome, oh, dearest and bravest of men! How distracted I have been +during your absence! But here you are back, safe and sound. Tell us about +the fight you have had. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. The important thing is that I have beaten the Senate.[82] + +CHORUS. All glory to you! Let us burst into shouts of joy! You speak +well, but your deeds are even better. Come, tell me everything in detail; +what a long journey would I not be ready to take to hear your tale! Come, +dear friend, speak with full confidence to your admirers. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. The story is worth hearing. Listen! From here I rushed +straight to the Senate, right in the track of this man; he was already +letting loose the storm, unchaining the lightning, crushing the Knights +beneath huge mountains of calumnies heaped together and having all the +air of truth; he called you conspirators and his lies caught root like +weeds in every mind; dark were the looks on every side and brows were +knitted. When I saw that the Senate listened to him favourably and was +being tricked by his imposture, I said to myself, "Come, gods of rascals +and braggarts, gods of all fools, toad-eaters and braggarts and thou, +market-place, where I was bred from my earliest days, give me unbridled +audacity, an untiring chatter and a shameless voice." No sooner had I +ended this prayer than a lewd man broke wind on my right. "Hah! 'tis a +good omen," said I, and prostrated myself; then I burst open the door by +a vigorous push with my back, and, opening my mouth to the utmost, +shouted, "Senators, I wanted you to be the first to hear the good news; +since the War broke out, I have never seen anchovies at a lower price!" +All faces brightened at once and I was voted a chaplet for my good +tidings; and I added, "With a couple of words I will reveal to you, how +you can have quantities of anchovies for an obol; 'tis to seize on all +the dishes the merchants have." With mouths gaping with admiration, they +applauded me. However, the Paphlagonian winded the matter and, well +knowing the sort of language which pleases the Senate best, said, +"Friends, I am resolved to offer one hundred oxen to the goddess in +recognition of this happy event." The Senate at once veered to his side. +So when I saw myself defeated by this ox filth, I outbade the fellow, +crying, "Two hundred!" And beyond this I moved, that a vow be made to +Diana of a thousand goats if the next day anchovies should only be worth +an obol a hundred. And the Senate looked towards me again. The other, +stunned with the blow, grew delirious in his speech, and at last the +Prytanes and the guards dragged him out. The Senators then stood talking +noisily about the anchovies. Cleon, however, begged them to listen to the +Lacedaemonian envoy, who had come to make proposals of peace; but all +with one accord, cried, "'Tis certainly not the moment to think of peace +now! If anchovies are so cheap, what need have we of peace? Let the war +take its course!" And with loud shouts they demanded that the Prytanes +should close the sitting and then leapt over the rails in all directions. +As for me, I slipped away to buy all the coriander seed and leeks there +were on the market and gave it to them gratis as seasoning for their +anchovies. 'Twas marvellous! They loaded me with praises and caresses; +thus I conquered the Senate with an obol's worth of leeks, and here I am. + +CHORUS. Bravo! you are the spoilt child of Fortune. Ah! our knave has +found his match in another, who has far better tricks in his sack, a +thousand kinds of knaveries and of wily words. But the fight begins +afresh; take care not to weaken; you know that I have long been your most +faithful ally. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! ah! here comes the Paphlagonian! One would say, 'twas +a hurricane lashing the sea and rolling the waves before it in its fury. +He looks as if he wanted to swallow me up alive! Ye gods! what an +impudent knave! + +CLEON. To my aid, my beloved lies! I am going to destroy you, or my name +is lost. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh! how he diverts me with his threats! His bluster makes +me laugh! And I dance the _mothon_ for joy,[83] and sing at the top of my +voice, cuckoo! + +CLEON. Ah! by Demeter! if I do not kill and devour you, may I die! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. If you do not devour me? and I, if I do not drink your +blood to the last drop, and then burst with indigestion. + +CLEON. I, I will strangle you, I swear it by the precedence which Pylos +gained me. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. By the precedence! Ah! might I see you fall from your +precedence into the hindmost seat! + +CLEON. By heaven! I will put you to the torture. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. What a lively wit! Come, what's the best to give you to +eat? What do you prefer? A purse? + +CLEON. I will tear out your inside with my nails. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I will cut off your victuals at the Prytaneum. + +CLEON. I will haul you before Demos, who will mete out justice to you. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I too will drag you before him and belch forth more +calumnies than you. + +CLEON. Why, poor fool, he does not believe you, whereas I play with him +at will. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. So that Demos is your property, your contemptible +creature. + +CLEON. 'Tis because I know the dishes that please him. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And these are little mouthfuls, which you serve to him +like a clever nurse. You chew the pieces and place some in small +quantities in his mouth, while you swallow three parts yourself. + +CLEON. Thanks to my skill, I know exactly how to enlarge or contract this +gullet. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I can do as much with my rump. + +CLEON. Hah! my friend, you tricked me at the Senate, but have a care! Let +us go before Demos. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. That's easily done; come, let's along without delay. + +CLEON. Oh, Demos! Come, I adjure you to help me, my father! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Come, oh, my dear little Demos; come and see how I am +insulted. + +DEMOS. What a hubbub! To the Devil with you, bawlers! alas! my olive +branch, which they have torn down![84] Ah! 'tis you, Paphlagonian. And +who, pray, has been maltreating you? + +CLEON. You are the cause of this man and these young people having +covered me with blows. + +DEMOS. And why? + +CLEON Because you love me passionately, Demos. + +DEMOS. And you, who are you? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. His rival. For many a long year have I loved you, have I +wished to do you honour, I and a crowd of other men of means. But this +rascal here has prevented us. You resemble those young men who do not +know where to choose their lovers; you repulse honest folk; to earn your +favours, one has to be a lamp-seller, a cobbler, a tanner or a currier. + +CLEON. I am the benefactor of the people. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. In what way, an it please you? + +CLEON. In what way? I supplanted the Generals at Pylos, I hurried thither +and I brought back the Laconian captives. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I, whilst simply loitering, cleared off with a pot +from a shop, which another fellow had been boiling. + +CLEON. Demos, convene the assembly at once to decide which of us two +loves you best and most merits your favour. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Yes, yes, provided it be not at the Pnyx. + +DEMOS. I could not sit elsewhere; 'tis at the Pnyx, that you must appear +before me. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! great gods! I am undone! At home this old fellow is +the most sensible of men, but the instant he is seated on those cursed +stone seats,[85] he is there with mouth agape as if he were hanging up +figs by their stems to dry. + +CHORUS. Come, loose all sail. Be bold, skilful in attack and entangle him +in arguments which admit of no reply. It is difficult to beat him, for he +is full of craft and pulls himself out of the worst corners. Collect all +your forces to come forth from this fight covered with glory, but take +care! Let him not assume the attack, get ready your grapples and advance +with your vessel to board him! + +CLEON. Oh! guardian goddess of our city! oh! Athené! if it be true that +next to Lysicles, Cynna and Salabaccha[86] none have done so much good +for the Athenian people as I, suffer me to continue to be fed at the +Prytaneum without working; but if I hate you, if I am not ready to fight +in your defence alone and against all, may I perish, be sawn to bits +alive and my skin be cut up into thongs. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I, Demos, if it be not true, that I love and cherish +you, may I be cooked in a stew; and if that is not saying enough, may I +be grated on this table with some cheese and then hashed, may a hook be +passed through my testicles and let me be dragged thus to the +Ceramicus![87] + +CLEON. Is it possible, Demos, to love you more than I do? And firstly, as +long as you have governed with my consent, have I not filled your +treasury, putting pressure on some, torturing others or begging of them, +indifferent to the opinion of private individuals, and solely anxious to +please you? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. There is nothing so wonderful in all that, Demos; I will +do as much; I will thieve the bread of others to serve up to you. No, he +has neither love for you nor kindly feeling; his only care is to warm +himself with your wood, and I will prove it. You, who, sword in hand, +saved Attica from the Median yoke at Marathon; you, whose glorious +triumphs we love to extol unceasingly, look, he cares little whether he +sees you seated uncomfortably upon a stone; whereas I, I bring you this +cushion, which I have sewn with my own hands. Rise and try this nice soft +seat. Did you not put enough strain on your breeches at Salamis?[88] + +DEMOS. Who are you then? Can you be of the race of Harmodius?[89] Upon my +faith, 'tis nobly done and like a true friend of Demos. + +CLEON. Petty flattery to prove him your goodwill! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. But you have caught him with even smaller baits! + +CLEON. Never had Demos a defender or a friend more devoted than myself; +on my head, on my life, I swear it! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. You pretend to love him and for eight years you have seen +him housed in casks, in crevices and dovecots,[90] where he is blinded +with the smoke, and you lock him in without pity; Archeptolemus brought +peace and you tore it to ribbons; the envoys who come to propose a truce +you drive from the city with kicks in their backsides. + +CLEON. This is that Demos may rule over all the Greeks; for the oracles +predict that, if he is patient, he must one day sit as judge in Arcadia +at five obols per day. Meanwhile, I will nourish him, look after him and, +above all, I will ensure to him his three obols. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, little you care for his reigning in Arcadia, 'tis to +pillage and impose on the allies at will that you reckon; you wish the +War to conceal your rogueries as in a mist, that Demos may see nothing of +them, and harassed by cares, may only depend on yourself for his bread. +But if ever peace is restored to him, if ever he returns to his lands to +comfort himself once more with good cakes, to greet his cherished olives, +he will know the blessings you have kept him out of, even though paying +him a salary; and, filled with hatred and rage, he will rise, burning +with desire to vote against you. You know this only too well; 'tis for +this you rock him to sleep with your lies. + +CLEON. Is it not shameful, that you should dare thus to calumniate me +before Demos, me, to whom Athens, I swear it by Demeter, already owes +more than it ever did to Themistocles? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh! citizens of Argos, do you hear what he says?[91] You +dare to compare yourself to Themistocles, who found our city half empty +and left it full to overflowing, who one day gave us the Piraeus for +dinner,[92] and added fresh fish to all our usual meals.[93] You, on the +contrary, you, who compare yourself with Themistocles, have only sought +to reduce our city in size, to shut it within its walls, to chant oracles +to us. And Themistocles goes into exile, while you gorge yourself on the +most excellent fare. + +CLEON. Oh! Demos! Am I compelled to hear myself thus abused, and merely +because I love you? + +DEMOS. Silence! stop your abuse! All too long have I been your tool. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! my dear little Demos, he is a rogue, who has played +you many a scurvy trick; when your back is turned, he taps at the root +the lawsuits initiated by the peculators, swallows the proceeds wholesale +and helps himself with both hands from the public funds. + +CLEON. Tremble, knave; I will convict you of having stolen thirty +thousand drachmae. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. For a rascal of your kidney, you shout rarely! Well! I am +ready to die if I do not prove that you have accepted more than forty +minae from the Mitylenaeans.[94] + +CHORUS. This indeed may be termed talking. Oh, benefactor of the human +race, proceed and you will be the most illustrious of the Greeks. You +alone shall have sway in Athens, the allies will obey you, and, trident +in hand, you will go about shaking and overturning everything to enrich +yourself. But, stick to your man, let him not go; with lungs like yours +you will soon have him finished. + +CLEON. No, my brave friends, no, you are running too fast; I have done a +sufficiently brilliant deed to shut the mouth of all enemies, so long as +one of the bucklers of Pylos remains. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Of the bucklers! Hold! I stop you there and I hold you +fast. For if it be true, that you love the people, you would not allow +these to be hung up with their rings;[95] but 'tis with an intent you +have done this. Demos, take knowledge of his guilty purpose; in this way +you no longer can punish him at your pleasure. Note the swarm of young +tanners, who really surround him, and close to them the sellers of honey +and cheese; all these are at one with him. Very well! you have but to +frown, to speak of ostracism and they will rush at night to these +bucklers, take them down and seize our granaries. + +DEMOS. Great gods! what! the bucklers retain their rings! Scoundrel! ah! +too long have you had me for your tool, cheated and played with me! + +CLEON. But, dear sir, never you believe all he tells you. Oh! never will +you find a more devoted friend than me; unaided, I have known how to put +down the conspiracies; nothing that is a-hatching in the city escapes me, +and I hasten to proclaim it loudly. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. You are like the fishers for eels; in still waters they +catch nothing, but if they thoroughly stir up the slime, their fishing is +good; in the same way 'tis only in troublous times that you line your +pockets. But come, tell me, you, who sell so many skins, have you ever +made him a present of a pair of soles for his slippers? and you pretend +to love him! + +DEMOS. No, he has never given me any. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. That alone shows up the man; but I, I have bought you +this pair of shoes; accept them. + +DEMOS. None ever, to my knowledge, has merited so much from the people; +you are the most zealous of all men for your country and for my toes. + +CLEON. Can a wretched pair of slippers make you forget all that you owe +me? Is it not I who curbed Gryttus,[96] the filthiest of the lewd, by +depriving him of his citizen rights? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! noble inspector of back passages, let me congratulate +you. Moreover, if you set yourself against this form of lewdness, this +pederasty, 'twas for sheer jealousy, knowing it to be the school for +orators.[97] But you see this poor Demos without a cloak and that at his +age too! so little do you care for him, that in mid-winter you have not +given him a garment with sleeves. Here, Demos, here is one, take it! + +DEMOS. This even Themistocles never thought of; the Piraeus was no doubt +a happy idea, but meseems this tunic is quite as fine an invention. + +CLEON. Must you have recourse to such jackanapes' tricks to supplant me? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, 'tis your own tricks that I am borrowing, just as a +guest, driven by urgent need, seizes some other man's shoes.[98] + +CLEON. Oh! you shall not outdo me in flattery! I am going to hand Demos +this garment; all that remains to you, you rogue, is to go and hang +yourself. + +DEMOS. Faugh! may the plague seize you! You stink of leather +horribly.[99] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Why, 'tis to smother you that he has thrown this cloak +around you on top of the other; and it is not the first plot he has +planned against you. Do you remember the time when silphium[100] was so +cheap? + +DEMOS. Aye, to be sure I do! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Very well! it was Cleon who had caused the price to fall +so low so that all could eat it and the jurymen in the Courts were almost +poisoned with farting in each others' faces. + +DEMOS. Hah! why, indeed, a scavenger told me the same thing. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Were you not yourself in those days quite red in the +gills with farting? + +DEMOS. Why, 'twas a trick worthy of Pyrrandrus![101] + +CLEON. With what other idle trash will you seek to ruin me, you wretch! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh! I shall be more brazen than you, for 'tis the goddess +who has commanded me.[102] + +CLEON. No, on my honour, you will not! Here, Demos, feast on this dish; +it is your salary as a dicast, which you gain through me for doing +naught. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Hold! here is a little box of ointment to rub into the +sores on your legs. + +CLEON. I will pluck out your white hairs and make you young again. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Take this hare's scut to wipe the rheum from your eyes. + +CLEON. When you wipe your nose, clean your fingers on my head. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, on mine. + +CLEON. On mine. (_To the Sausage-seller._) I will have you made a +trierarch[103] and you will get ruined through it; I will arrange that +you are given an old vessel with rotten sails, which you will have to +repair constantly and at great cost. + +CHORUS. Our man is on the boil; enough, enough, he is boiling over; +remove some of the embers from under him and skim off his threats. + +CLEON. I will punish your self-importance; I will crush you with imposts; +I will have you inscribed on the list of the rich. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. For me no threats--only one simple wish. That you may be +having some cuttle-fish fried on the stove just as you are going to set +forth to plead the cause of the Milesians,[104] which, if you gain, means +a talent in your pocket; that you hurry over devouring the fish to rush +off to the Assembly; suddenly you are called and run off with your mouth +full so as not to lose the talent and choke yourself. There! that is my +wish. + +CHORUS. Splendid! by Zeus, Apollo and Demeter! + +DEMOS. Faith! here is an excellent citizen indeed, such as has not been +seen for a long time. 'Tis truly a man of the lowest scum! As for you, +Paphlagonian, who pretend to love me, you only feed me on garlic. Return +me my ring, for you cease to be my steward. + +CLEON. Here it is, but be assured, that if you bereave me of my power, my +successor will be worse than I am. + +DEMOS. This cannot be my ring; I see another device, unless I am going +purblind. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. What was your device? + +DEMOS. A fig-leaf, stuffed with bullock's fat.[105] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, that is not it. + +DEMOS. What is it then? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Tis a gull with beak wide open, haranguing from the top +of a stone.[106] + +DEMOS. Ah! great gods! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. What is the matter? + +DEMOS. Away! away out of my sight! 'Tis not my ring he had, 'twas that of +Cleonymus. (_To the Sausage-seller_.) Hold, I give you this one; you +shall be my steward. + +CLEON. Master, I adjure you, decide nothing till you have heard my +oracles.[107] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And mine. + +CLEON. If you believe him, you will have to suck his tool for him. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. If you listen to him, you'll have to let him skin your +penis to the very stump. + +CLEON. My oracles say that you are to reign over the whole earth, crowned +with chaplets. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And mine say that, clothed in an embroidered purple robe, +you shall pursue Smicythes and her spouse,[108] standing in a chariot of +gold and with a crown on your head. + +DEMOS. Go, fetch me your oracles, that the Paphlagonian may hear them. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Willingly. + +DEMOS. And you yours. + +CLEON. I run. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I run too; nothing could suit me better! + +CHORUS. Oh! happy day for us and for our children, if Cleon perish. Yet +just now I heard some old cross-grained pleaders on the market-place who +hold not this opinion discoursing together. Said they, "If Cleon had not +had the power we should have lacked two most useful tools, the pestle and +the soup-ladle."[109] You also know what a pig's education he has had; +his school-fellows can recall that he only liked the Dorian style and +would study no other; his music-master in displeasure sent him away, +saying: "This youth in matters of harmony, will only learn the Dorian +style because 'tis akin to bribery."[110] + +CLEON. There, behold and look at this heap; and yet I do not bring all. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ugh! I pant and puff under the weight and yet I do not +bring all. + +DEMOS. What are these? + +CLEON. Oracles. + +DEMOS. All these? + +CLEON. Does that astonish you? Why, I have another whole boxful of them. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I the whole of my attics and two rooms besides. + +DEMOS. Come, let us see, whose are these oracles? + +CLEON. Mine are those of Bacis.[111] + +DEMOS (_to the Sausage-seller_). And whose are yours? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Glanis's, the elder brother of Bacis.[112] + +DEMOS. And of what do they speak? + +CLEON. Of Athens, of Pylos, of you, of me, of all. + +DEMOS. And yours? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Of Athens, of lentils, of Lacedaemonians, of fresh +mackerel, of scoundrelly flour-sellers, of you, of me. Ah! ha! now let +him gnaw his own penis with chagrin! + +DEMOS. Come, read them out to me and especially that one I like so much, +which says that I shall become an eagle and soar among the clouds. + +CLEON. Then listen and be attentive! "Son of Erectheus,[113] understand +the meaning of the words, which the sacred tripods set resounding in the +sanctuary of Apollo. Preserve the sacred dog with the jagged teeth, that +barks and howls in your defence; he will ensure you a salary and, if he +fails, will perish as the victim of the swarms of jays that hunt him down +with their screams." + +DEMOS. By Demeter! I do not understand a word of it. What connection is +there between Erectheus, the jays and the dog? + +CLEON. 'Tis I who am the dog, since I bark in your defence. Well! Phoebus +commands you to keep and cherish your dog. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Tis not so spoken by the god; this dog seems to me to +gnaw at the oracles as others gnaw at doorposts. Here is exactly what +Apollo says of the dog. + +DEMOS. Let us hear, but I must first pick up a stone; an oracle which +speaks of a dog might bite me. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. "Son of Erectheus, beware of this Cerberus that enslaves +freemen; he fawns upon you with his tail, when you are dining, but he is +lying in wait to devour your dishes, should you turn your head an +instant; at night he sneaks into the kitchen and, true dog that he is, +licks up with one lap of his tongue both your dishes and ... the +islands."[114] + +DEMOS. Faith, Glanis, you speak better than your brother. + +CLEON. Condescend again to hear me and then judge: "A woman in sacred +Athens will be delivered of a lion, who shall fight for the people +against clouds of gnats with the same ferocity as if he were defending +his whelps; care ye for him, erect wooden walls around him and towers of +brass." Do you understand that? + +DEMOS. Not the least bit in the world. + +CLEON. The god tells you here to look after me, for, 'tis I who am your +lion. + +DEMOS. How! You have become a lion and I never knew a thing about it? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. There is only one thing which he purposely keeps from +you; he does not say what this wall of wood and brass is in which Apollo +warns you to keep and guard him. + +DEMOS. What does the god mean, then? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. He advises you to fit him into a five-holed wooden +collar. + +DEMOS. Hah! I think that oracle is about to be fulfilled. + +CLEON. Do not believe it; these are but jealous crows, that caw against +me; but never cease to cherish your good hawk; never forget that he +brought you those Lacedaemonian fish, loaded with chains.[115] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! if the Paphlagonian ran any risk that day, 'twas +because he was drunk. Oh, too credulous son of Cecrops,[116] do you +accept that as a glorious exploit? A woman would carry a heavy burden if +only a man had put it on her shoulders. But to fight! Go to! he would +shit himself, if ever it came to a tussle. + +CLEON. Note this Pylos in front of Pylos, of which the oracle speaks, +"Pylos is before Pylos."[117] + +DEMOS. How "in front of Pylos"? What does he mean by that? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. He says he will seize upon your bath-tubs.[118] + +DEMOS. Then I shall not bathe to-day. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, as he has stolen our baths. But here is an oracle +about the fleet, to which I beg your best attention. + +DEMOS. Read on! I am listening; let us first see how we are to pay our +sailors.[119] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. "Son of Aegeus,[120] beware of the tricks of the +dog-fox,[121] he bites from the rear and rushes off at full speed; he is +nothing but cunning and perfidy." Do you know what the oracle intends to +say? + +DEMOS. The dog-fox is Philostratus.[122] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, no, 'tis Cleon; he is incessantly asking you for +light vessels to go and collect the tributes, and Apollo advises you not +to grant them. + +DEMOS. What connection is there between a galley and a dog-fox? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. What connection? Why, 'tis quite plain--a galley travels +as fast as a dog. + +DEMOS. Why, then, does the oracle not say dog instead of dog-fox? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Because he compares the soldiers to young foxes, who, +like them, eat the grapes in the fields. + +DEMOS. Good! Well then! how am I to pay the wages of my young foxes? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will undertake that, and in three days too! But listen +to this further oracle, by which Apollo puts you on your guard against +the snares of the greedy fist. + +DEMOS. Of what greedy fist? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. The god in this oracle very clearly points to the hand of +Cleon, who incessantly holds his out, saying, "Fill it." + +CLEON. 'Tis false! Phoebus means the hand of Diopithes.[123] But here I +have a winged oracle, which promises you shall become an eagle and rule +over all the earth. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I have one, which says that you shall be King of the +Earth and of the Sea, and that you shall administer justice in Ecbatana, +eating fine rich stews the while. + +CLEON. I have seen Athené[124] in a dream, pouring out full vials of +riches and health over the people. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I too have seen the goddess, descending from the +Acropolis with an owl perched upon her helmet; on your head she was +pouring out ambrosia, on that of Cleon garlic pickle. + +DEMOS. Truly Glanis is the wisest of men. I shall yield myself to you; +guide me in my old age and educate me anew. + +CLEON. Ah! I adjure you! not yet; wait a little; I will promise to +distribute barley every day. + +DEMOS. Ah! I will not hear another word about barley; you have cheated me +too often already, both you and Theophanes.[125] + +CLEON. Well then! you shall have flour-cakes all piping hot. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will give you cakes too, and nice cooked fish; you will +only have to eat. + +DEMOS. Very well, mind you keep your promises. To whichever of you twain +shall treat me best I hand over the reins of state. + +CLEON. I will be first. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, no, _I_ will. + +CHORUS. Demos, you are our all-powerful sovereign lord; all tremble +before you, yet you are led by the nose. You love to be flattered and +fooled; you listen to the orators with gaping mouth and your mind is led +astray. + +DEMOS. 'Tis rather you who have no brains, if you think me so foolish as +all that; it is with a purpose that I play this idiot's role, for I love +to drink the lifelong day, and so it pleases me to keep a thief for my +minister. When he has thoroughly gorged himself, then I overthrow and +crush him. + +CHORUS. What profound wisdom! If it be really so, why! all is for the +best. Your ministers, then, are your victims, whom you nourish and feed +up expressly in the Pnyx, so that, the day your dinner is ready, you may +immolate the fattest and eat him. + +DEMOS. Look, see how I play with them, while all the time they think +themselves such adepts at cheating me. I have my eye on them when they +thieve, but I do not appear to be seeing them; then I thrust a judgment +down their throat as it were a feather, and force them to vomit up all +they have robbed from me. + +CLEON. Oh! the rascal! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh! the scoundrel! + +CLEON. Demos, all is ready these three hours; I await your orders and I +burn with desire to load you with benefits. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I ten, twelve, a thousand hours, a long, long while, +an infinitely long while. + +DEMOS. As for me, 'tis thirty thousand hours that I have been impatient; +very long, infinitely long that I have cursed you. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Do you know what you had best do? + +DEMOS. If I do not, tell me. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Declare the lists open[126] and we will contend abreast +to determine who shall treat you the best. + +DEMOS. Splendid! Draw back in line![126] + +CLEON. I am ready. + +DEMOS. Off you go! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER (_to Cleon_). I shall not let you get to the tape. + +DEMOS. What fervent lovers! If I am not to-day the happiest of men, 'tis +because I shall be the most disgusted. + +CLEON. Look! 'tis I who am the first to bring you a seat. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I a table. + +CLEON. Hold, here is a cake kneaded of Pylos barley.[127] + +SAUSAGE--SELLER. Here are crusts, which the ivory hand of the goddess has +hallowed.[128] + +DEMOS. Oh! Mighty Athené! How large are your fingers! + +CLEON. This is pea-soup, as exquisite as it is fine; 'tis Pallas the +victorious goddess at Pylos who crushed the peas herself. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh, Demos! the goddess watches over you; she is +stretching forth over your head ... a stew-pan full of broth. + +DEMOS. And should we still be dwelling in this city without this +protecting stew-pan? + +CLEON. Here are some fish, given to you by her who is the terror of our +foes. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. The daughter of the mightiest of the gods sends you this +meat cooked in its own gravy, along with this dish of tripe and some +paunch. + +DEMOS. 'Tis to thank me for the Peplos I offered to her; 'tis well. + +CLEON. The goddess with the terrible plume invites you to eat this long +cake; you will row the harder on it. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Take this also. + +DEMOS. And what shall I do with this tripe? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. She sends it you to belly out your galleys, for she is +always showing her kindly anxiety for our fleet. Now drink this beverage +composed of three parts of water to two of wine. + +DEMOS. Ah! what delicious wine, and how well it stands the water.[129] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Twas the goddess who came from the head of Zeus that +mixed this liquor with her own hands. + +CLEON. Hold, here is a piece of good rich cake. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. But I offer you an entire cake. + +CLEON. But you cannot offer him stewed hare as I do. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! great gods! stewed hare! where shall I find it? Oh! +brain of mine, devise some trick! + +CLEON. Do you see this, poor fellow? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. A fig for that! Here are folk coming to seek me. + +CLEON. Who are they? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Envoys, bearing sacks bulging with money. + +CLEON. (_Hearing money mentioned Clean turns his head, and Agoracritus +seizes the opportunity to snatch away the stewed hare._) Where, where, I +say? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Bah! What's that to you? Will you not even now let the +strangers alone? Demos, do you see this stewed hare which I bring you? + +CLEON. Ah! rascal! you have shamelessly robbed me. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. You have robbed too, you robbed the Laconians at Pylos. + +DEMOS. An you pity me, tell me, how did you get the idea to filch it from +him? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. The idea comes from the goddess; the theft is all my own. + +CLEON. And I had taken such trouble to catch this hare. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. But 'twas I who had it cooked. + +DEMOS (_to Cleon_). Get you gone! My thanks are only for him who served +it. + +CLEON. Ah! wretch! have you beaten me in impudence! + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Well then, Demos, say now, who has treated you best, you +and your stomach? Decide! + +DEMOS. How shall I act here so that the spectators shall approve my +judgment? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will tell you. Without saying anything, go and rummage +through my basket, and then through the Paphlagonian's, and see what is +in them; that's the best way to judge. + +DEMOS. Let us see then, what is there in yours? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Why, 'tis empty, dear little father; I have brought +everything to you. + +DEMOS. This is a basket devoted to the people. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Now hunt through the Paphlagonian's. Well? + +DEMOS. Oh! what a lot of good things! Why! 'tis quite full! Oh! what a +huge great part of this cake he kept for himself! He had only cut off the +least little tiny piece for me. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. But this is what he has always done. Of everything he +took, he only gave you the crumbs, and kept the bulk. + +DEMOS. Oh! rascal! was this the way you robbed me? And I was loading you +with chaplets and gifts! + +CLEON. 'Twas for the public weal I robbed. + +DEMOS (_to Cleon_). Give me back that crown;[130] I will give it to him. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Return it quick, quick, you gallows-bird. + +CLEON. No, for the Pythian oracle has revealed to me the name of him who +shall overthrow me. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. And that name was mine, nothing can be clearer. + +CLEON. Reply and I shall soon see whether you are indeed the man whom the +god intended. Firstly, what school did you attend when a child? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Twas in the kitchens I was taught with cuffs and blows. + +CLEON. What's that you say? Ah! this is truly what the oracle said. And +what did you learn from the master of exercises? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I learnt to take a false oath without a smile, when I had +stolen something. + +CLEON. Oh! Phoebus Apollo, god of Lycia! I am undone! And when you had +become a man, what trade did you follow? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. I sold sausages and did a bit of fornication. + +CLEON. Oh! my god! I am a lost man! Ah! still one slender hope remains. +Tell me, was it on the market-place or near the gates that you sold your +sausages? + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Near the gates, in the market for salted goods. + +CLEON Alas! I see the prophecy of the god is verily come true. Alas! roll +me home.[131] I am a miserable, ruined man. Farewell, my chaplet! 'Tis +death to me to part with you. So you are to belong to another; 'tis +certain he cannot be a greater thief, but perhaps he may be a luckier +one.[132] + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh! Zeus, the protector of Greece! 'tis to you I owe this +victory! + +DEMOSTHENES. Hail! illustrious conqueror, but forget not, that if you +have become a great man, 'tis thanks to me; I ask but a little thing; +appoint me secretary of the law-court in the room of Phanus. + +DEMOS (_to the Sausage-seller_). But what is your name then? Tell me. + +SAUSAGE-SELLER. My name is Agoracritus, because I have always lived on +the market-place in the midst of lawsuits.[133] + +DEMOS. Well then, Agoracritus, I stand by you; as for the Paphlagonian, I +hand him over to your mercy. + +AGORACRITUS. Demos, I will care for you to the best of my power, and all +shall admit that no citizen is more devoted than I to this city of +simpletons. + +CHORUS. What fitter theme for our Muse, at the close as at the beginning +of his work, than this, to sing the hero who drives his swift steeds down +the arena? Why afflict Lysistratus with our satires on his poverty,[134] +and Thumantis,[135] who has not so much as a lodging? He is dying of +hunger and can be seen at Delphi, his face bathed in tears, clinging to +your quiver, oh, Apollo! and supplicating you to take him out of his +misery. + +An insult directed at the wicked is not to be censured; on the contrary, +the honest man, if he has sense, can only applaud. Him, whom I wish to +brand with infamy, is little known himself; 'tis the brother of +Arignotus.[136] I regret to quote this name which is so dear to me, but +whoever can distinguish black from white, or the Orthian mode of music +from others, knows the virtues of Arignotus, whom his brother, +Ariphrades,[137] in no way resembles. He gloats in vice, is not merely a +dissolute man and utterly debauched--but he has actually invented a new +form of vice; for he pollutes his tongue with abominable pleasures in +brothels licking up that nauseous moisture and befouling his beard as he +tickles the lips of lewd women's private parts.[138] Whoever is not +horrified at such a monster shall never drink from the same cup with me. + +At times a thought weighs on me at night; I wonder whence comes this +fearful voracity of Cleonymus.[139] 'Tis said, that when dining with a +rich host, he springs at the dishes with the gluttony of a wild beast and +never leaves the bread-bin until his host seizes him round the knees, +exclaiming, "Go, go, good gentleman, in mercy go, and spare my poor +table!" + +'Tis said that the triremes assembled in council and that the oldest +spoke in these terms, "Are you ignorant, my sisters, of what is plotting +in Athens? They say, that a certain Hyperbolus,[140] a bad citizen and an +infamous scoundrel, asks for a hundred of us to take them to sea against +Chalcedon."[141] All were indignant, and one of them, as yet a virgin, +cried, "May god forbid that I should ever obey him! I would prefer to +grow old in the harbour and be gnawed by worms. No! by the gods I swear +it, Nauphanté, daughter of Nauson, shall never bend to his law; 'tis as +true as I am made of wood and pitch. If the Athenians vote for the +proposal of Hyperbolus, let them! we will hoist full sail and seek refuge +by the temple of Theseus or the shrine of the Euminides.[142] No! he +shall not command us! No! he shall not play with the city to this extent! +Let him sail by himself for Tartarus, if such please him, launching the +boats in which he used to sell his lamps." + +AGORACRITUS. Maintain a holy silence! Keep your mouths from utterance! +call no more witnesses; close these tribunals, which are the delight of +this city, and gather at the theatre to chant the Paean of thanksgiving +to the gods for a fresh favour. + +CHORUS. Oh! torch of sacred Athens, saviour of the Islands, what good +tidings are we to celebrate by letting the blood of the victims flow in +our market-places? + +AGORACRITUS. I have freshened Demos up somewhat on the stove and have +turned his ugliness into beauty. + +CHORUS. I admire your inventive genius; but, where is he? + +AGORACRITUS. He is living in ancient Athens, the city of the garlands of +violets. + +CHORUS. How I should like to see him! What is his dress like, what his +manner? + +AGORACRITUS. He has once more become as he was in the days when he lived +with Aristides and Miltiades. But you will judge for yourselves, for I +hear the vestibule doors opening. Hail with your shouts of gladness the +Athens of old, which now doth reappear to your gaze, admirable, worthy of +the songs of the poets and the home of the illustrious Demos. + +CHORUS. Oh! noble, brilliant Athens, whose brow is wreathed with violets, +show us the sovereign master of this land and of all Greece. + +AGORACRITUS. Lo! here he is coming with his hair held in place with a +golden band and in all the glory of his old-world dress; perfumed with +myrrh, he spreads around him not the odour of lawsuits, but of peace. + +CHORUS. Hail! King of Greece, we congratulate you upon the happiness you +enjoy; it is worthy of this city, worthy of the glory of Marathon. + +DEMOS. Come, Agoracritus, come, my best friend; see the service you have +done me by freshening me up on your stove. + +AGORACRITUS. Ah! if you but remembered what you were formerly and what +you did, you would for a certainty believe me to be a god. + +DEMOS. But what did I? and how was I then? + +AGORACRITUS. Firstly, so soon as ever an orator declared in the assembly +"Demos, I love you ardently; 'tis I alone, who dream of you and watch +over your interests"; at such an exordium you would look like a cock +flapping his wings or a bull tossing his horns. + +DEMOS. What, I? + +AGORACRITUS. Then, after he had fooled you to the hilt, he would go. + +DEMOS. What! they would treat me so, and I never saw it! + +AGORACRITUS. You knew only how to open and close your ears like a +sunshade. + +DEMOS. Was I then so stupid and such a dotard? + +AGORACRITUS. Worse than that; if one of two orators proposed to equip a +fleet for war and the other suggested the use of the same sum for paying +out to the citizens, 'twas the latter who always carried the day. Well! +you droop your head! you turn away your face? + +DEMOS. I redden at my past errors. + +AGORACRITUS. Think no more of them; 'tis not you who are to blame, but +those who cheated you in this sorry fashion. But, come, if some impudent +lawyer dared to say, "Dicasts, you shall have no wheat unless you convict +this accused man!" what would you do? Tell me. + +DEMOS. I would have him removed from the bar, I would bind Hyperbolus +about his neck like a stone and would fling him into the Barathrum.[143] + +AGORACRITUS. Well spoken! but what other measures do you wish to take? + +DEMOS. First, as soon as ever a fleet returns to the harbour, I shall pay +up the rowers in full. + +AGORACRITUS. That will soothe many a worn and chafed bottom. + +DEMOS. Further, the hoplite enrolled for military service shall not get +transferred to another service through favour, but shall stick to that +given him at the outset. + +AGORACRITUS. This will strike the buckler of Cleonymus full in the +centre. + +DEMOS. None shall ascend the rostrum, unless their chins are bearded. + +AGORACRITUS. What then will become of Clisthenes and of Strato?[144] + +DEMOS. I wish only to refer to those youths, who loll about the perfume +shops, babbling at random, "What a clever fellow is Pheax![145] How +cleverly he escaped death! how concise and convincing is his style! what +phrases! how clear and to the point! how well he knows how to quell an +interruption!" + +AGORACRITUS. I thought you were the lover of those pathic minions. + +DEMOS. The gods forefend it! and I will force all such fellows to go +a-hunting instead of proposing decrees. + +AGORACRITUS. In that case, accept this folding-stool, and to carry it +this well-grown, big-testicled slave lad. Besides, you may put him to any +other purpose you please. + +DEMOS. Oh! I am happy indeed to find myself as I was of old! + +AGORACRITUS. Aye, you deem yourself happy, when I shall have handed you +the truces of thirty years. Truces! step forward![146] + +DEMOS. Great gods! how charming they are! Can I do with them as I wish? +where did you discover them, pray? + +AGORACRITUS. 'Twas that Paphlagonian who kept them locked up in his +house, so that you might not enjoy them. As for myself, I give them to +you; take them with you into the country. + +DEMOS. And what punishment will you inflict upon this Paphlagonian, the +cause of all my troubles? + +AGORACRITUS. 'Twill not be over-terrible. I condemn him to follow my old +trade; posted near the gates, he must sell sausages of asses' and +dogs'-meat; perpetually drunk, he will exchange foul language with +prostitutes and will drink nothing but the dirty water from the baths. + +DEMOS. Well conceived! he is indeed fit to wrangle with harlots and +bathmen; as for you, in return for so many blessings, I invite you to +take the place at the Prytaneum which this rogue once occupied. Put on +this frog-green mantle and follow me. As for the other, let 'em take him +away; let him go sell his sausages in full view of the foreigners, whom +he used formerly so wantonly to insult. + + * * * * * + +FINIS OF "THE KNIGHTS" + + * * * * * + +Footnotes: + +[4] Mitchell's "Aristophanes." Preface to "The Knights." + +[5] A generic name, used to denote a slave, because great numbers came +from Paphlagonia, a country in Asia Minor. Aristophanes also plays upon +the word, [Greek: Paphlag_on], Paphlagonian, and the verb, [Greek: +pathlazein], to boil noisily, thus alluding to Cleon's violence and +bluster when speaking. + +[6] A musician, belonging to Phrygia, who had composed melodies intended +to describe pain. + +[7] Line 323 of the 'Hyppolytus,' by Euripides. + +[8] Euripides' mother was said to have sold vegetables on the market. + +[9] The whole of this passage seems a satire on the want of courage shown +by these two generals. History, however, speaks of Nicias as a brave +soldier. + +[10] i.e. living on his salary as a judge. The Athenians used beans for +recording their votes. + +[11] Place where the Public Assembly of Athens, the [Greek: ekkl_esia], +was held. + +[12] This was the salary paid to the Ecclesiasts, the jury of citizens +who tried cases. It was one obol at first, but Cleon had raised it to +three. + +[13] A town in Messina, opposite the little island of Sphacteria; +Demosthenes had seized it, and the Spartans had vainly tried to retake +it, having even been obliged to leave four hundred soldiers shut up in +Sphacteria. Cleon, sent out with additional forces, had forced the +Spartans to capitulate and had thus robbed Demosthenes of the glory of +the capture. (_See_ Introduction.) + +[14] Literally, his rump is among the Chaonians ([Greek: chain_o], to +gape open), because his anus is distended by pederastic practices; his +hands with the Aetolians ([Greek: aite_o], to ask, to beg); his mind with +the Clopidians ([Greek: klept_o], to steal). + +[15] The versions of his death vary. He is said to have taken poison in +order to avoid fighting against Athens. + +[16] A minor god, supposed by the ancients to preside over the life of +each man; each empire, each province, each town had its titular Genius. +Everyone offered sacrifice to his Genius on each anniversary of his birth +with wine, flowers and incense. + +[17] A hill in Asia Minor, near Smyrna. Homer mentions the wine of +Pramnium. + +[18] The common people, who at Athens were as superstitious as everywhere +else, took delight in oracles, especially when they were favourable, and +Cleon served them up to suit their taste and to advance his own ambition. + +[19] Famous seer of Boeotia. + +[20] Eucrates, who was the leading statesman at Athens after Pericles. + +[21] Lysicles, who married the courtesan Aspasia. + +[22] Literally, like Cycloborus, a torrent in Attica. + +[23] He points to the spectators. + +[24] The public meals were given in the Prytaneum; to these were admitted +those whose services merited that they should be fed at the cost of the +State. This distinction depended on the popular vote, and was very often +bestowed on demagogues very unworthy of the privilege. + +[25] Islands of the Aegaean, subject to Athens, which paid considerable +tributes. + +[26] Caria and Chalcedon were at the two extremities of Asia Minor; the +former being at the southern, the latter at the northern end of that +extensive coast. + +[27] As though stupidity were an essential of good government. + +[28] The Athenian citizens were divided into four classes--the +Pentacosiomedimni, who possessed five hundred minae; the Knights, who had +three hundred and were obliged to maintain a charger (hence their name); +the Zeugitae and the Thetes. In Athens, the Knights never had the high +consideration and the share in the magistracy which they enjoyed at Rome. + +[29] It is said that Aristophanes played the part of Cleon himself, as no +one dared to assume the role. (_See_ Introduction.) + +[30] They were two leaders of the knightly order. + +[31] The famous whirlpool, near Sicily. + +[32] Eucrates, the oakum-seller, already mentioned, when the object of a +riot, took refuge in a mill and there hid himself in a sack of bran. + +[33] The chief Athenian tribunal only next in dignity to the Areopagus; +it generally consisted of two hundred members; it tried civil cases of +the greatest importance and some crimes beyond the competence of other +courts, e.g. rape, adultery, extortion. The sittings were in the open +air, hence the name ([Greek: _Elios], the sun). + +[34] The Heliasts' salary. (_See_ above.) + +[35] Tributary to Athens; Olynthus and Potidaea were the chief towns of +this important Peninsula. + +[36] Meaning he frightens him with the menace of judicial prosecution +forces him to purchase silence. + +[37] The strategi were the heads of the military forces. + +[38] They presided at the Public Assemblies; they were also empowered to +try the most important cases. + +[39] An allusion to Cleon's former calling. + +[40] A country deme of Attica. + +[41] Archeptolemus, a resident alien, who lived in Piraeus. He had loaded +Athens with gifts and was nevertheless maltreated by Cleon. + +[42] This was easier than against a citizen because of the inferiority, +in which the pride of the Athenian held those born on other soil. + +[43] When drunk he conceives himself rich and the man to buy up the rich +silver mines of Laurium, in south-east Attica. + +[44] The Chorus throws itself between Cleon and Agoracritus to protect +the latter. + +[45] An iron collar, an instrument of torture and of punishment. + +[46] A disease among swine. + +[47] Cleon wanted the Spartans to purchase the prisoners of Sphacteria +from him. + +[48] With piss--the result of his drunken habits. + +[49] A tragic poet, apparently proverbial for feebleness of style. + +[50] Beginning of a song of Simonides. + +[51] A miser. + +[52] Guests used pieces of bread to wipe their fingers at table. + +[53] 'Dog's head,' a vicious species of ape. + +[54] They were allowed to remain in the ground throughout the winter so +that they might grow tender. + +[55] An allusion to the pederastic habits ascribed to some of the orators +by popular rumour. + +[56] He imputes the crime to Agoracritus of which he is guilty himself. + +[57] A town in Thrace and subject to Athens. It therefore paid tribute to +the latter. It often happened that the demagogues extracted considerable +sums from the tributaries by threats or promises. + +[58] It was customary in Athens for the plaintiff himself to fix the fine +to be paid by the defendant. + +[59] Athené, the tutelary divinity of Athens. + +[60] And wife of Pisistratus. Anything belonging to the ancient tyrants +was hateful to the Athenians. + +[61] An allusion to the language used by the democratic orators, who, to +be better understood by the people, constantly affected the use of terms +belonging to the different trades. + +[62] He accuses Cleon of collusion with the enemy. + +[63] Cleon retorts upon his adversary the charge brought against himself. +The Boeotians were the allies of Sparta. + +[64] Allusion to cock-fighting. + +[65] The tripping metre usually employed in the _parabasis_. + +[66] Hitherto Aristophanes had presented his pieces under an assumed +name. + +[67] A comic poet, who had carried off the prize eleven times; not a +fragment of his works remains to us. + +[68] An allusion to the titles of some of his pieces, viz. "the Flute +Players, the Birds, the Lydians, the Gnats, the Frogs." + +[69] The Comic Poet, rival of Aristophanes, several times referred to +above. + +[70] These were the opening lines of poems by Cratinus, often sung at +festivities. + +[71] A poet, successful at the Olympic games, and in old age reduced to +extreme misery. + +[72] The place of honour in the Dionysiac Theatre, reserved for +distinguished citizens. + +[73] A Comic Poet, who was elegant but cold; he had at first played as an +actor in the pieces of Cratinus. + +[74] Besides the oarsmen and the pilot, there was on the Grecian vessels +a sailor, who stood at the prow to look out for rocks, and another, who +observed the direction of the wind. + +[75] Two promontories, one in Attica, the other in Euboea, on which +temples to Posidon were erected. + +[76] An Athenian general, who had gained several naval victories. He had +contributed to the success of the expedition to Samos (Thucydides, Book +I), and had recently beaten a Peloponnesian fleet (Thucydides, Book II). + +[77] At the Panathenaea, a festival held every fourth year, a peplus, or +sail, was carried with pomp to the Acropolis. On this various +mythological scenes, having reference to Athené, were embroidered--her +exploits against the giants, her fight with Posidon concerning the name +to be given to Athens, etc. It had also become customary to add the names +and the deeds of such citizens as had deserved well of their country. + +[78] Cleaenetus had passed a law to limit the number of citizens to be +fed at the Prytaneum; it may be supposed, that those, who aspired to this +distinction, sought to conciliate Cleaenetus in their favour. + +[79] The Chorus of Knights, not being able to sing their own praises, +feign to divert these to their chargers. + +[80] A horse branded with the obsolete letter [Greek: sán]--[Symbol: +Letter 'san'], as a mark of breed or high quality. + +[81] Crab was no doubt a nickname given to the Corinthians on account of +the position of their city on an isthmus between two seas. In the +'Acharnians' Theorus is mentioned as an ambassador, who had returned from +the King of Persia. + +[82] The Senate was a body composed of five hundred members, elected +annually like the magistrates from the three first classes to the +exclusion of the fourth, the Thetes, which was composed of the poorest +citizens. + +[83] The [Greek: moth_on], a rough, boisterous, obscene dance. + +[84] At the festival of the Pyanepsia, held in honour of Athené as the +protectress of Theseus in his fight with the Minotaur, the children +carried olive branches in procession, round which strips of linen were +wound; they were then fastened up over the entrances of each house. + +[85] On which the citizens sat in the Public Assembly in the Pnyx to hear +the orators. In the centre of the semicircular space the tribune stood, a +square block of stone, [Greek: B_ema], and from this the people were +addressed. + +[86] Lysicles was a dealer in sheep, who had wielded great power in +Athens after the death of Pericles. Cynna and Salabaccha were two +celebrated courtesans. + +[87] Place of interment for those who died for the country. + +[88] Seated on the banks for the rowers. + +[89] Assassin of the tyrant Hippias, the son of Pisistratus. His memory +was held in great honour at Athens. + +[90] Driven out by the invasions of the Peloponnesians, the people of the +outlying districts had been obliged to seek refuge within the walls of +Athens, where they were lodged wherever they could find room. + +[91] A verse borrowed from Euripides' lost play of 'Telephus.' + +[92] Themistocles joined the Piraeus to Athens by the construction of the +Long Walls. + +[93] Which were caught off the Piraeus. + +[94] Mitylené, chief city of the Island of Lesbos, rebelled against the +Athenians and was retaken by Chares. By a popular decree the whole +manhood of the town was to suffer death, but this decree was withdrawn +the next day. Aristophanes insinuates that Cleon, bought over with +Mitylenaean gold, brought about this change of opinion. On the contrary, +Thucydides says that the decree was revoked in spite of Cleon's +opposition. + +[95] When bucklers were hung up as trophies, it was usual to detach the +ring or brace, so as to render them useless for warlike purposes. + +[96] An orator of debauched habits. + +[97] An accusation frequently hurled at the orators. + +[98] Guests took off their shoes before entering the festal hall. + +[99] An allusion to Cleon's former calling of a tanner. + +[100] A plant from Cyrenaïca, which was imported into Athens in large +quantities after the conclusion of a treaty of navigation, which Cleon +made with this country. It was a very highly valued flavouring for +sauces. + +[101] The name of a supposed informer. The adjective, [Greek: pyrrhos], +yellow, the colour of ordure, is contained in the construction of this +name; thus a most disgusting piece of word-play is intended. + +[102] The orators were for ever claiming the protection of Athené. + +[103] A very expensive burden, which was imposed upon the rich citizen. +The trierarchs had to furnish both the equipment of the triremes or +war-galleys and their upkeep. They varied considerably in number and +ended in reaching a total of 1200; the most opulent found the money, and +were later repaid partly and little by little by those not so well +circumstanced. Later it was permissible for anyone, appointed as a +trierarch, to point out someone richer than himself and to ask to have +him take his place with the condition that if the other preferred, he +should exchange fortunes with him and continue his office of trierarch. + +[104] This is an allusion to some extortion of Cleon's. + +[105] The Greek word [Greek: d_emos] means both "The People" and fat, +grease. The pun cannot well be kept in English. + +[106] A voracious bird--in allusion to Cleon's rapacity and to his +loquacity in the Assembly. + +[107] The orators were fond of supporting their arguments with imaginary +oracles--and Cleon was an especial adept at this dodge. + +[108] Smicythes, King of Thrace, spoken of in the oracle as a woman, +doubtless on account of his cowardice. The word pursue is here used in a +double sense, viz. in battle and in law. It is on account of this latter +meaning, that Aristophanes adds "and her spouse," because in cases in +which women were sued at law, their husbands were summoned as conjointly +liable. + +[109] Because he had smashed up and turned upside down the fortunes of +Athens. + +[110] The pun--rather a far-fetched one--is between the words [Greek: +D_orh_osti] (in the Dorian mode) and [Greek: d_orhon] (a bribe). + +[111] A Boeotian soothsayer. + +[112] A name invented by the Sausage-seller on the spur of the moment, to +cap Cleon's boast. + +[113] That is, Athenian; Erectheus was an ancient mythical King of +Athens. + +[114] That is, the tributes paid to Athens by the Aegaean Islands, +whether allies or subjects. + +[115] The Lacedaemonian prisoners from Sphacteria, so often referred to. + +[116] That is, Athenian; Cecrops was the first King of Athens, according +to the legends. + +[117] There were three towns of this name in different parts of Greece. + +[118] There is a pun here which it is impossible to render in English; +the Greek [Greek: Pylos](Pylos) differs by only one letter from the word +meaning a bath-tub ([Greek: Pyelos]). + +[119] Cleon was reproached by his enemies with paying small attention to +the regular payment of the sailors. + +[120] Another poetical term to signify Athenian; Aegeus, an ancient +mythical King of Athens, father of Theseus. + +[121] Impudent as a dog and cunning as a fox. + +[122] An orator and statesman of the day; practically nothing is known +about him. + +[123] Another orator and statesman, accused apparently of taking bribes. + +[124] As pointed out before, the orators were fond of dragging Athené +continually into their speeches. + +[125] One of Cleon's protégés and flatterers. The scholiasts say he was +his secretary. + +[126] Terms borrowed from the circus races. + +[127] That is, at the expense of other folk. + +[128] Pieces of bread, hollowed out, which were filled with mincemeat or +soup. + +[129] Both Greeks and Romans drank their wine mixed with water. + +[130] After his success in the Sphacteria affair Cleon induced the people +to vote him a chaplet of gold. + +[131] That is, by means of the mechanical device of the Greek stage known +as the [Greek: ekkukl_ema]. + +[132] Parody of a well-known verse from Euripides' 'Alcestis.' + +[133] The name Agoracritus is compounded: cf. [Greek: agora], a +market-place, and [Greek: krinein], to judge. + +[134] This grandiloquent opening is borrowed from Pindar. + +[135] Mentioned in the 'Acharnians.' + +[136] A soothsayer. + +[137] A flute-player. + +[138] An allusion to the vice of the 'cunnilingue,' apparently a novel +form of naughtiness at Athens in Aristophanes' day. + +[139] As well known for his gluttony as for his cowardice. + +[140] One of the most noisy demagogues of Cleon's party; he succeeded +him, but was later condemned to ostracism. + +[141] A town in Bithynia, situated at the entrance of the Bosphorus and +nearly opposite Byzantium. It was one of the most important towns in Asia +Minor. Doubtless Hyperbolus only demanded so large a fleet to terrorize +the towns and oppress them at will. + +[142] These temples were inviolable places of refuge, where even slaves +were secure. + +[143] A rocky cleft at the back of the Acropolis into which criminals +were hurled. + +[144] Young and effeminate orators of licentious habits. + +[145] By adroit special pleading he had contrived to get his acquittal, +when charged with a capital offence. + +[146] They were personified on the stage as pretty little _filles de +joie_. + + + + +THE ACHARNIANS + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +This is the first of the series of three Comedies--'The Acharnians,' +'Peace' and 'Lysistrata'--produced at intervals of years, the sixth, +tenth and twenty-first of the Peloponnesian War, and impressing on the +Athenian people the miseries and disasters due to it and to the +scoundrels who by their selfish and reckless policy had provoked it, the +consequent ruin of industry and, above all, agriculture, and the urgency +of asking Peace. In date it is the earliest play brought out by the +author in his own name and his first work of serious importance. It was +acted at the Lenaean Festival, in January, 426 B.C., and gained the first +prize, Cratinus being second. + +Its diatribes against the War and fierce criticism of the general policy +of the War party so enraged Cleon that, as already mentioned, he +endeavoured to ruin the author, who in 'The Knights' retorted by a direct +and savage personal attack on the leader of the democracy. The plot is of +the simplest. Dicaeopolis, an Athenian citizen, but a native of Acharnae, +one of the agricultural _demes_ and one which had especially suffered in +the Lacedaemonian invasions, sick and tired of the ill-success and +miseries of the War, makes up his mind, if he fails to induce the people +to adopt his policy of "peace at any price," to conclude a private and +particular peace of his own to cover himself, his family, and his estate. +The Athenians, momentarily elated by victory and over-persuaded by the +demagogues of the day--Cleon and his henchmen, refuse to hear of such a +thing as coming to terms. Accordingly Dicaeopolis dispatches an envoy to +Sparta on his own account, who comes back presently with a selection of +specimen treaties in his pocket. The old man tastes and tries, special +terms are arranged, and the play concludes with a riotous and uproarious +rustic feast in honour of the blessings of Peace and Plenty. Incidentally +excellent fun is poked at Euripides and his dramatic methods, which +supply matter for so much witty badinage in several others of our +author's pieces. + +Other specially comic incidents are: the scene where the two young +daughters of the famished Megarian are sold in the market at Athens as +sucking-pigs--a scene in which the convenient similarity of the Greek +words signifying a pig and the 'pudendum muliebre' respectively is +utilized in a whole string of ingenious and suggestive 'double entendres' +and ludicrous jokes; another where the Informer, or Market-Spy, is packed +up in a crate as crockery and carried off home by the Boeotian buyer. + +The drama takes its title from the Chorus, composed of old men of +Acharnae. + + * * * * * + +THE ACHARNIANS + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +DICAEOPOLIS. +HERALD. +AMPHITHEUS. +AMBASSADORS. +PSEUDARTABAS. +THEORUS. +WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS. +DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS. +EURIPIDES. +CEPHISOPHON, servant of Euripides. +LAMACHUS. +ATTENDANT OF LAMACHUS. +A MEGARIAN. +MAIDENS, daughters of the Megarian. +A BOEOTIAN. +NICARCHUS. +A HUSBANDMAN. +A BRIDESMAID. +AN INFORMER. +MESSENGERS. +CHORUS OF ACHARNIAN ELDERS. + +SCENE: The Athenian Ecclesia on the Pnyx; afterwards Dicaeopolis' house +in the country. + + * * * * * + +THE ACHARNIANS + + +DICAEOPOLIS[147] (_alone_). What cares have not gnawed at my heart and +how few have been the pleasures in my life! Four, to be exact, while my +troubles have been as countless as the grains of sand on the shore! Let +me see of what value to me have been these few pleasures? Ah! I remember +that I was delighted in soul when Cleon had to disgorge those five +talents;[148] I was in ecstasy and I love the Knights for this deed; 'it +is an honour to Greece.'[149] But the day when I was impatiently awaiting +a piece by Aeschylus,[150] what tragic despair it caused me when the +herald called, "Theognis,[151] introduce your Chorus!" Just imagine how +this blow struck straight at my heart! On the other hand, what joy +Dexitheus caused me at the musical competition, when he played a Boeotian +melody on the lyre! But this year by contrast! Oh! what deadly torture to +hear Chaeris[152] perform the prelude in the Orthian mode![153]--Never, +however, since I began to bathe, has the dust hurt my eyes as it does +to-day. Still it is the day of assembly; all should be here at daybreak, +and yet the Pnyx[154] is still deserted. They are gossiping in the +market-place, slipping hither and thither to avoid the vermilioned +rope.[155] The Prytanes[156] even do not come; they will be late, but +when they come they will push and fight each other for a seat in the +front row. They will never trouble themselves with the question of peace. +Oh! Athens! Athens! As for myself, I do not fail to come here before all +the rest, and now, finding myself alone, I groan, yawn, stretch, break +wind, and know not what to do; I make sketches in the dust, pull out my +loose hairs, muse, think of my fields, long for peace, curse town life +and regret my dear country home,[157] which never told me to 'buy fuel, +vinegar or oil'; there the word 'buy,' which cuts me in two, was unknown; +I harvested everything at will. Therefore I have come to the assembly +fully prepared to bawl, interrupt and abuse the speakers, if they talk of +aught but peace. But here come the Prytanes, and high time too, for it is +midday! As I foretold, hah! is it not so? They are pushing and fighting +for the front seats. + +HERALD. Move on up, move on, move on, to get within the consecrated +area.[158] + +AMPHITHEUS. Has anyone spoken yet? + +HERALD. Who asks to speak? + +AMPHITHEUS. I do. + +HERALD. Your name? + +AMPHITHEUS. Amphitheus. + +HERALD. You are no man.[159] + +AMPHITHEUS. No! I am an immortal! Amphitheus was the son of Ceres and +Triptolemus; of him was born Celeus. Celeus wedded Phaencreté, my +grandmother, whose son was Lucinus, and, being born of him, I am an +immortal; it is to me alone that the gods have entrusted the duty of +treating with the Lacedaemonians. But, citizens, though I am immortal, I +am dying of hunger; the Prytanes give me naught.[160] + +A PRYTANIS. Guards! + +AMPHITHEUS. Oh, Triptolemus and Ceres, do ye thus forsake your own blood? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Prytanes, in expelling this citizen, you are offering an +outrage to the Assembly. He only desired to secure peace for us and to +sheathe the sword. + +PRYTANIS. Sit down and keep silence! + +DICAEOPOLIS. No, by Apollo, will I not, unless you are going to discuss +the question of peace. + +HERALD. The ambassadors, who are returned from the Court of the King! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Of what King? I am sick of all those fine birds, the peacock +ambassadors and their swagger. + +HERALD. Silence! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! oh! by Ecbatana,[161] what assumption! + +AN AMBASSADOR. During the archonship of Euthymenes, you sent us to the +Great King on a salary of two drachmae per diem. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! those poor drachmae! + +AMBASSADOR. We suffered horribly on the plains of the Caÿster, sleeping +under a tent, stretched deliciously on fine chariots, half dead with +weariness. + +DICAEOPOLIS. And I was very much at ease, lying on the straw along the +battlements![162] + +AMBASSADOR. Everywhere we were well received and forced to drink +delicious wine out of golden or crystal flagons.... + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh, city of Cranaus,[163] thy ambassadors are laughing at +thee! + +AMBASSADOR. For great feeders and heavy drinkers are alone esteemed as +men by the barbarians. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Just as here in Athens, we only esteem the most drunken +debauchees. + +AMBASSADOR. At the end of the fourth year we reached the King's Court, +but he had left with his whole army to ease himself, and for the space of +eight months he was thus easing himself in midst of the golden +mountains.[164] + +DICAEOPOLIS. And how long was he replacing his dress? + +AMBASSADOR. The whole period of a full moon; after which he returned to +his palace; then he entertained us and had us served with oxen roasted +whole in an oven. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Who ever saw an oxen baked in an oven? What a lie! + +AMBASSADOR. On my honour, he also had us served with a bird three times +as large as Cleonymus,[165] and called the Boaster. + +DICAEOPOLIS. And do we give you two drachmae, that you should treat us to +all this humbug? + +AMBASSADOR. We are bringing to you, Pseudartabas,[166] the King's Eye. + +DICAEOPOLIS. I would a crow might pluck out thine with his beak, thou +cursed ambassador! + +HERALD. The King's Eye! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Eh! Great gods! Friend, with thy great eye, round like the +hole through which the oarsman passes his sweep, you have the air of a +galley doubling a cape to gain the port. + +AMBASSADOR. Come, Pseudartabas, give forth the message for the Athenians +with which you were charged by the Great King. + +PSEUDARTABAS. Jartaman exarx 'anapissonnai satra.[167] + +AMBASSADOR. Do you understand what he says? + +DICAEOPOLIS. By Apollo, not I! + +AMBASSADOR. He says, that the Great King will send you gold. Come, utter +the word 'gold' louder and more distinctly. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Thou shalt not have gold, thou gaping-arsed Ionian.[168] + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! may the gods forgive me, but that is clear enough. + +AMBASSADOR. What does he say? + +DICAEOPOLIS. That the Ionians are debauchees and idiots, if they expect +to receive gold from the barbarians. + +AMBASSADOR. Not so, he speaks of medimni[169] of gold. + + +DICAEOPOLIS. What medimni? Thou art but a great braggart; but get your +way, I will find out the truth by myself. Come now, answer me clearly, if +you do not wish me to dye your skin red. Will the Great King send us +gold? (_Pseudartabas makes a negative sign._) Then our ambassadors are +seeking to deceive us? (_Pseudartabas signs affirmatively._) These +fellows make signs like any Greek; I am sure that they are nothing but +Athenians. Oh, ho! I recognize one of these eunuchs; it is Clisthenes, +the son of Sibyrtius.[170] Behold the effrontery of this shaven rump! +How! great baboon, with such a beard do you seek to play the eunuch to +us? And this other one? Is it not Straton? + +HERALD. Silence! Let all be seated. The Senate invites the King's Eye to +the Prytaneum.[171] + +DICAEOPOLIS. Is this not sufficient to drive one to hang oneself? Here I +stand chilled to the bone, whilst the doors of the Prytaneum fly wide +open to lodge such rascals. But I will do something great and bold. Where +is Amphitheus? Come and speak with me. + +AMPHITHEUS. Here I am. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Take these eight drachmae and go and conclude a truce with +the Lacedaemonians for me, my wife and my children; I leave you free, my +dear citizens, to send out embassies and to stand gaping in the air. + +HERALD. Bring in Theorus, who has returned from the Court of +Sitalces.[172] + +THEORUS. I am here. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Another humbug! + +THEORUS. We should not have remained long in Thrace.... + +DICAEOPOLIS. Forsooth, no, if you had not been well paid. + +THEORUS. ... If the country had not been covered with snow; the rivers +were ice-bound at the time that Theognis[173] brought out his tragedy +here; during the whole of that time I was holding my own with Sitalces, +cup in hand; and, in truth, he adored you to such a degree, that he wrote +on the walls, "How beautiful are the Athenians!" His son, to whom we gave +the freedom of the city, burned with desire to come here and eat +chitterlings at the feast of the Apaturia;[174] he prayed his father to +come to the aid of his new country and Sitalces swore on his goblet that +he would succour us with such a host that the Athenians would exclaim, +"What a cloud of grasshoppers!" + +DICAEOPOLIS. May I die if I believe a word of what you tell us! Excepting +the grasshoppers, there is not a grain of truth in it all! + +THEORUS. And he has sent you the most warlike soldiers of all Thrace. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Now we shall begin to see clearly. + +HERALD. Come hither, Thracians, whom Theorus brought. + +DICAEOPOLIS. What plague have we here? + +THEORUS. 'Tis the host of the Odomanti.[175] + +DICAEOPOLIS. Of the Odomanti? Tell me what it means. Who has mutilated +their tools like this? + +THEORUS. If they are given a wage of two drachmae, they will put all +Boeotia[176] to fire and sword. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Two drachmae to those circumcised hounds! Groan aloud, ye +people of rowers, bulwark of Athens! Ah! great gods! I am undone; these +Odomanti are robbing me of my garlic![177] Will you give me back my +garlic? + +THEORUS. Oh! wretched man! do not go near them; they have eaten +garlic.[178] + +DICAEOPOLIS. Prytanes, will you let me be treated in this manner, in my +own country and by barbarians? But I oppose the discussion of paying a +wage to the Thracians; I announce an omen; I have just felt a drop of +rain.[179] + +HERALD. Let the Thracians withdraw and return the day after to-morrow; +the Prytanes declare the sitting at an end. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ye gods, what garlic I have lost! But here comes Amphitheus +returned from Lacedaemon. Welcome, Amphitheus. + +AMPHITHEUS. No, there is no welcome for me and I fly as fast as I can, +for I am pursued by the Acharnians. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Why, what has happened? + +AMPHITHEUS. I was hurrying to bring your treaty of truce, but some old +dotards from Acharnae[180] got scent of the thing; they are veterans of +Marathon, tough as oak or maple, of which they are made for sure--rough +and ruthless. They all set to a-crying, "Wretch! you are the bearer of a +treaty, and the enemy has only just cut our vines!" Meanwhile they were +gathering stones in their cloaks, so I fled and they ran after me +shouting. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Let 'em shout as much as they please! But have you brought +me a treaty? + +AMPHITHEUS. Most certainly, here are three samples to select from,[181] +this one is five years old; take it and taste. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Faugh! + +AMPHITHEUS. Well? + +DICAEOPOLIS. It does not please me; it smells of pitch and of the ships +they are fitting out.[182] + +AMPHITHEUS. Here is another, ten years old; taste it. + +DICAEOPOLIS. It smells strongly of the delegates, who go round the towns +to chide the allies for their slowness.[183] + +AMPHITHEUS. This last is a truce of thirty years, both on sea and land. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! by Bacchus! what a bouquet! It has the aroma of nectar +and ambrosia; this does not say to us, "Provision yourselves for three +days." But it lisps the gentle numbers, "Go whither you will."[184] I +accept it, ratify it, drink it at one draught and consign the Acharnians +to limbo. Freed from the war and its ills, I shall keep the Dionysia[185] +in the country. + +AMPHITHEUS. And I shall run away, for I'm mortally afraid of the +Acharnians. + +CHORUS. This way all! Let us follow our man; we will demand him of +everyone we meet; the public weal makes his seizure imperative. Ho, +there! tell me which way the bearer of the truce has gone; he has escaped +us, he has disappeared. Curse old age! When I was young, in the days when +I followed Phayllus,[186] running with a sack of coals on my back, this +wretch would not have eluded my pursuit, let him be as swift as he will; +but now my limbs are stiff; old Lacratides[187] feels his legs are +weighty and the traitor escapes me. No, no, let us follow him; old +Acharnians like ourselves shall not be set at naught by a scoundrel, who +has dared, great gods! to conclude a truce, when I wanted the war +continued with double fury in order to avenge my ruined lands. No mercy +for our foes until I have pierced their hearts like a sharp reed, so that +they dare never again ravage my vineyards. Come, let us seek the rascal; +let us look everywhere, carrying our stones in our hands; let us hunt him +from place to place until we trap him; I could never, never tire of the +delight of stoning him. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Peace! profane men![188] + +CHORUS. Silence all! Friends, do you hear the sacred formula? Here is he, +whom we seek! This way, all! Get out of his way, surely he comes to offer +an oblation. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Peace, profane men! Let the basket-bearer[189] come forward, +and thou, Xanthias, hold the phallus well upright.[190] + +WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS. Daughter, set down the basket and let us begin the +sacrifice. + +DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS. Mother, hand me the ladle, that I may spread the +sauce on the cake. + +DICAEOPOLIS. It is well! Oh, mighty Bacchus, it is with joy that, freed +from military duty, I and all mine perform this solemn rite and offer +thee this sacrifice; grant, that I may keep the rural Dionysia without +hindrance and that this truce of thirty years may be propitious for me. + +WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS. Come, my child, carry the basket gracefully and with +a grave, demure face. Happy he, who shall be your possessor and embrace +you so firmly at dawn,[191] that you belch wind like a weasel. Go +forward, and have a care they don't snatch your jewels in the crowd. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Xanthias, walk behind the basket-bearer and hold the phallus +well erect; I will follow, singing the Phallic hymn; thou, wife, look on +from the top of the terrace.[192] Forward! Oh, Phales,[193] companion of +the orgies of Bacchus, night reveller, god of adultery, friend of young +men, these past six[194] years I have not been able to invoke thee. With +what joy I return to my farmstead, thanks to the truce I have concluded, +freed from cares, from fighting and from Lamachuses![195] How much +sweeter, Phales, oh, Phales, is it to surprise Thratta, the pretty +wood-maid, Strymodorus' slave, stealing wood from Mount Phelleus, to +catch her under the arms, to throw her on the ground and possess her! Oh, +Phales, Phales! If thou wilt drink and bemuse thyself with me, we will +to-morrow consume some good dish in honour of the peace, and I will hang +up my buckler over the smoking hearth. + +CHORUS. It is he, he himself. Stone him, stone him, stone him, strike the +wretch. All, all of you, pelt him, pelt him! + +DICAEOPOLIS. What is this? By Heracles, you will smash my pot.[196] + +CHORUS. It is you that we are stoning, you miserable scoundrel. + +DICAEOPOLIS. And for what sin, Acharnian Elders, tell me that! + +CHORUS. You ask that, you impudent rascal, traitor to your country; you +alone amongst us all have concluded a truce, and you dare to look us in +the face! + +DICAEOPOLIS. But you do not know _why_ I have treated for peace. Listen! + +CHORUS. Listen to you? No, no, you are about to die, we will annihilate +you with our stones. + +DICAEOPOLIS. But first of all, listen. Stop, my friends. + +CHORUS. I will hear nothing; do not address me; I hate you more than I do +Cleon,[197] whom one day I shall flay to make sandals for the Knights. +Listen to your long speeches, after you have treated with the Laconians! +No, I will punish you. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Friends, leave the Laconians out of debate and consider only +whether I have not done well to conclude my truce. + +CHORUS. Done well! when you have treated with a people who know neither +gods, nor truth, nor faith. + +DICAEOPOLIS. We attribute too much to the Laconians; as for myself, I +know that they are not the cause of all our troubles. + +CHORUS. Oh, indeed, rascal! You dare to use such language to me and then +expect me to spare you! + +DICAEOPOLIS. No, no, they are not the cause of all our troubles, and I +who address you claim to be able to prove that they have much to complain +of in us. + +CHORUS. This passes endurance; my heart bounds with fury. Thus you dare +to defend our enemies. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Were my head on the block I would uphold what I say and rely +on the approval of the people. + +CHORUS. Comrades, let us hurl our stones and dye this fellow purple. + +DICAEOPOLIS. What black fire-brand has inflamed your heart! You will not +hear me? You really will not, Acharnians? + +CHORUS. No, a thousand times, no. + +DICAEOPOLIS. This is a hateful injustice. + +CHORUS. May I die, if I listen. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Nay, nay! have mercy, have mercy, Acharnians. + +CHORUS. You shall die. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Well, blood for blood! I will kill your dearest friend. I +have here the hostages of Acharnae;[198] I shall disembowel them. + +CHORUS. Acharnians, what means this threat? Has he got one of our +children in his house? What gives him such audacity? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Stone me, if it please you; I shall avenge myself on this. +(_Shows a basket_.) Let us see whether you have any love for your coals. + +CHORUS. Great gods! this basket is our fellow-citizen. Stop, stop, in +heaven's name! + +DICAEOPOLIS. I shall dismember it despite your cries; I will listen to +nothing. + +CHORUS. How! will you kill this coal-basket, my beloved comrade? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Just now, you did not listen to me. + +CHORUS. Well, speak now, if you will; tell us, tell us you have a +weakness for the Lacedaemonians. I consent to anything; never will I +forsake this dear little basket. + +DICAEOPOLIS. First, throw down your stones. + +CHORUS. There! 'tis done. And you, do you put away your sword. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Let me see that no stones remain concealed in your cloaks. + +CHORUS. They are all on the ground; see how we shake our garments. Come, +no haggling, lay down your sword; we threw away everything while crossing +from one side of the stage to the other.[199] + +DICAEOPOLIS. What cries of anguish you would have uttered had these coals +of Parnes[200] been dismembered, and yet it came very near it; had they +perished, their death would have been due to the folly of their +fellow-citizens. The poor basket was so frightened, look, it has shed a +thick black dust over me, the same as a cuttle-fish does. What an +irritable temper! You shout and throw stones, you will not hear my +arguments--not even when I propose to speak in favour of the +Lacedaemonians with my head on the block; and yet I cling to my life. + +CHORUS. Well then, bring out a block before your door, scoundrel, and let +us hear the good grounds you can give us; I am curious to know them. Now +mind, as you proposed yourself, place your head on the block and speak. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Here is the block; and, though I am but a very sorry +speaker, I wish nevertheless to talk freely of the Lacedaemonians and +without the protection of my buckler. Yet I have many reasons for fear. I +know our rustics; they are delighted if some braggart comes, and rightly +or wrongly loads both them and their city with praise and flattery; they +do not see that such toad-eaters[201] are traitors, who sell them for +gain. As for the old men, I know their weakness; they only seek to +overwhelm the accused with their votes.[202] Nor have I forgotten how +Cleon treated me because of my comedy last year;[203] he dragged me +before the Senate and there he uttered endless slanders against me; 'twas +a tempest of abuse, a deluge of lies. Through what a slough of mud he +dragged me! I nigh perished. Permit me, therefore, before I speak, to +dress in the manner most likely to draw pity. + +CHORUS. What evasions, subterfuges and delays! Hold! here is the sombre +helmet of Pluto with its thick bristling plume; Hieronymus[204] lends it +to you; then open Sisyphus'[205] bag of wiles; but hurry, hurry, pray, +for our discussion does not admit of delay. + +DICAEOPOLIS. The time has come for me to manifest my courage, so I will +go and seek Euripides. Ho! slave, slave! + +SLAVE. Who's there? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Is Euripides at home? + +SLAVE. He is and he isn't; understand that, if you have wit for't. + +DICAEOPOLIS. How? He is and he isn't![206] + +SLAVE. Certainly, old man; busy gathering subtle fancies here and there, +his mind is not in the house, but he himself is; perched aloft, he is +composing a tragedy. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh, Euripides, you are indeed happy to have a slave so quick +at repartee! Now, fellow, call your master. + +SLAVE. Impossible! + +DICAEOPOLIS. So much the worse. But I will not go. Come, let us knock at +the door. Euripides, my little Euripides, my darling Euripides, listen; +never had man greater right to your pity. It is Dicaeopolis of the +Chollidan Deme who calls you. Do you hear? + +EURIPIDES. I have no time to waste. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Very well, have yourself wheeled out here.[207] + +EURIPIDES. Impossible. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Nevertheless.... + +EURIPIDES. Well, let them roll me out; as to coming down, I have not the +time. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Euripides.... + +EURIPIDES. What words strike my ear? + +DICAEOPOLIS. You perch aloft to compose tragedies, when you might just as +well do them on the ground. I am not astonished at your introducing +cripples on the stage.[208] And why dress in these miserable tragic rags? +I do not wonder that your heroes are beggars. But, Euripides, on my knees +I beseech you, give me the tatters of some old piece: for I have to treat +the Chorus to a long speech, and if I do it ill it is all over with me. + +EURIPIDES. What rags do you prefer? Those in which I rigged out +Aeneus[209] on the stage, that unhappy, miserable old man? + +DICAEOPOLIS. No, I want those of some hero still more unfortunate. + +EURIPIDES. Of Phoenix, the blind man? + +DICAEOPOLIS. No, not of Phoenix, you have another hero more unfortunate +than him. + +EURIPIDES. Now, what tatters _does_ he want? Do you mean those of the +beggar Philoctetes? + +DICAEOPOLIS. No, of another far more the mendicant. + +EURIPIDES. Is it the filthy dress of the lame fellow, Bellerophon? + +DICAEOPOLIS. No, 'tis not Bellerophon; he, whom I mean, was not only lame +and a beggar, but boastful and a fine speaker. + +EURIPIDES. Ah! I know, it is Telephus, the Mysian. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Yes, Telephus. Give me his rags, I beg of you. + +EURIPIDES. Slave! give him Telephus' tatters; they are on top of the rags +of Thyestes and mixed with those of Ino. + +SLAVE. Catch hold! here they are. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! Zeus, whose eye pierces everywhere and embraces all, +permit me to assume the most wretched dress on earth. Euripides, cap your +kindness by giving me the little Mysian hat, that goes so well with these +tatters. I must to-day have the look of a beggar; "be what I am, but not +appear to be";[210] the audience will know well who I am, but the Chorus +will be fools enough not to, and I shall dupe 'em with my subtle phrases. + +EURIPIDES. I will give you the hat; I love the clever tricks of an +ingenious brain like yours. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Rest happy, and may it befall Telephus as I wish. Ah! I +already feel myself filled with quibbles. But I must have a beggar's +staff. + +EURIPIDES. Here you are, and now get you gone from this porch. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh, my soul! You see how you are driven from this house, +when I still need so many accessories. But let us be pressing, obstinate, +importunate. Euripides, give me a little basket with a lamp alight +inside. + +EURIPIDES. Whatever do you want such a thing as that for? + +DICAEOPOLIS. I do not need it, but I want it all the same. + +EURIPIDES. You importune me; get you gone! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Alas! may the gods grant you a destiny as brilliant as your +mother's.[211] + +EURIPIDES. Leave me in peace. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! just a little broken cup. + +EURIPIDES. Take it and go and hang yourself. What a tiresome fellow! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! you do not know all the pain you cause me. Dear, good +Euripides, nothing beyond a small pipkin stoppered with a sponge. + +EURIPIDES. Miserable man! You are robbing me of an entire tragedy.[212] +Here, take it and be off. + +DICAEOPOLIS. I am going, but, great gods! I need one thing more; unless I +have it, I am a dead man. Hearken, my little Euripides, only give me this +and I go, never to return. For pity's sake, do give me a few small herbs +for my basket. + +EURIPIDES. You wish to ruin me then. Here, take what you want; but it is +all over with my pieces! + +DICAEOPOLIS. I won't ask another thing; I'm going. I am too importunate +and forget that I rouse against me the hate of kings.--Ah! wretch that I +am! I am lost! I have forgotten one thing, without which all the rest is +as nothing. Euripides, my excellent Euripides, my dear little Euripides, +may I die if I ask you again for the smallest present; only one, the +last, absolutely the last; give me some of the chervil your mother left +you in her will. + +EURIPIDES. Insolent hound! Slave, lock the door. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh, my soul! I must go away without the chervil. Art thou +sensible of the dangerous battle we are about to engage upon in defending +the Lacedaemonians? Courage, my soul, we must plunge into the midst of +it. Dost thou hesitate and art thou fully steeped in Euripides? That's +right! do not falter, my poor heart, and let us risk our head to say what +we hold for truth. Courage and boldly to the front. I wonder I am so +brave! + +CHORUS. What do you purport doing? what are you going to say? What an +impudent fellow! what a brazen heart! To dare to stake his head and +uphold an opinion contrary to that of us all! And he does not tremble to +face this peril! Come, it is you who desired it, speak! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Spectators, be not angered if, although I am a beggar, I +dare in a Comedy to speak before the people of Athens of the public weal; +Comedy too can sometimes discern what is right. I shall not please, but I +shall say what is true. Besides, Cleon shall not be able to accuse me of +attacking Athens before strangers;[213] we are by ourselves at the +festival of the Lenaea; the period when our allies send us their tribute +and their soldiers is not yet. Here is only the pure wheat without chaff; +as to the resident strangers settled among us, they and the citizens are +one, like the straw and the ear. + +I detest the Lacedaemonians with all my heart, and may Posidon, the god +of Taenarus,[214] cause an earthquake and overturn their dwellings! My +vines also have been cut. But come (there are only friends who hear me), +why accuse the Laconians of all our woes? Some men (I do not say the +city, note particularly, that I do not say the city), some wretches, lost +in vices, bereft of honour, who were not even citizens of good stamp, but +strangers, have accused the Megarians of introducing their produce +fraudulently, and not a cucumber, a leveret, a sucking-pig, a clove of +garlic, a lump of salt was seen without its being said, "Halloa! these +come from Megara," and their being instantly confiscated. Thus far the +evil was not serious, and we were the only sufferers. But now some young +drunkards go to Megara and carry off the courtesan Simaetha; the +Megarians, hurt to the quick, run off in turn with two harlots of the +house of Aspasia; and so for three gay women Greece is set ablaze. Then +Pericles, aflame with ire on his Olympian height, let loose the +lightning, caused the thunder to roll, upset Greece and passed an edict, +which ran like the song, "That the Megarians be banished both from our +land and from our markets and from the sea and from the continent."[215] +Meanwhile the Megarians, who were beginning to die of hunger, begged the +Lacedaemonians to bring about the abolition of the decree, of which those +harlots were the cause; several times we refused their demand; and from +that time there was a horrible clatter of arms everywhere. You will say +that Sparta was wrong, but what should she have done? Answer that. +Suppose that a Lacedaemonian had seized a little Seriphian[216] dog on +any pretext and had sold it, would you have endured it quietly? Far from +it, you would at once have sent three hundred vessels to sea, and what an +uproar there would have been through all the city! there 'tis a band of +noisy soldiery, here a brawl about the election of a Trierarch; elsewhere +pay is being distributed, the Pallas figure-heads are being regilded, +crowds are surging under the market porticos, encumbered with wheat that +is being measured, wine-skins, oar-leathers, garlic, olives, onions in +nets; everywhere are chaplets, sprats, flute-girls, black eyes; in the +arsenal bolts are being noisily driven home, sweeps are being made and +fitted with leathers; we hear nothing but the sound of whistles, of +flutes and fifes to encourage the work-folk. That is what you assuredly +would have done, and would not Telephus have done the same? So I come to +my general conclusion; we have no common sense. + +FIRST SEMI-CHORUS. Oh! wretch! oh! infamous man! You are naught but a +beggar and yet you dare to talk to us like this! you insult their +worships the informers! + +SECOND SEMI-CHORUS. By Posidon! he speaks the truth; he has not lied in a +single detail. + +FIRST SEMI-CHORUS. But though it be true, need he say it? But you'll have +no great cause to be proud of your insolence! + +SECOND SEMI-CHORUS. Where are you running to? Don't you move; if you +strike this man I shall be at you. + +FIRST SEMI-CHORUS. Lamachus, whose glance flashes lightning, whose plume +petrifies thy foes, help! Oh! Lamachus, my friend, the hero of my tribe +and all of you, both officers and soldiers, defenders of our walls, come +to my aid; else is it all over with me! + +LAMACHUS. Whence comes this cry of battle? where must I bring my aid? +where must I sow dread? who wants me to uncase my dreadful Gorgon's +head?[217] + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh, Lamachus, great hero! Your plumes and your cohorts +terrify me. + +CHORUS. This man, Lamachus, incessantly abuses Athens. + +LAMACHUS. You are but a mendicant and you dare to use language of this +sort? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh, brave Lamachus, forgive a beggar who speaks at hazard. + +LAMACHUS. But what have you said? Let us hear. + +DICAEOPOLIS. I know nothing about it; the sight of weapons makes me +dizzy. Oh! I adjure you, take that fearful Gorgon somewhat farther away. + +LAMACHUS. There. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Now place it face downwards on the ground. + +LAMACHUS. It is done. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Give me a plume out of your helmet. + +LAMACHUS. Here is a feather. + +DICAEOPOLIS. And hold my head while I vomit; the plumes have turned my +stomach. + +LAMACHUS. Hah! what are you proposing to do? do you want to make yourself +vomit with this feather? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Is it a feather? what bird's? a braggart's? + +LAMACHUS. Ah! ah! I will rip you open. + +DICAEOPOLIS. No, no, Lamachus! Violence is out of place here! But as you +are so strong, why did you not circumcise me? You have all you want for +the operation there. + +LAMACHUS. A beggar dares thus address a general! + +DICAEOPOLIS. How? Am I a beggar? + +LAMACHUS. What are you then? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Who am I? A good citizen, not ambitious; a soldier, who has +fought well since the outbreak of the war, whereas you are but a vile +mercenary. + +LAMACHUS. They elected me.... + +DICAEOPOLIS. Yes, three cuckoos did![218] If I have concluded peace, +'twas disgust that drove me; for I see men with hoary heads in the ranks +and young fellows of your age shirking service. Some are in Thrace +getting an allowance of three drachmae, such fellows as Tisameophoenippus +and Panurgipparchides. The others are with Chares or in Chaonia, men like +Geretotheodorus and Diomialazon; there are some of the same kidney, too, +at Camarina and at Gela,[219] the laughing-stock of all and sundry. + +LAMACHUS. They were elected. + +DICAEOPOLIS. And why do you always receive your pay, when none of these +others ever get any? Speak, Marilades, you have grey hair; well then, +have you ever been entrusted with a mission? See! he shakes his head. Yet +he is an active as well as a prudent man. And you, Dracyllus, Euphorides +or Prinides, have you knowledge of Ecbatana or Chaonia? You say no, do +you not? Such offices are good for the son of Caesyra[220] and Lamachus, +who, but yesterday ruined with debt, never pay their shot, and whom all +their friends avoid as foot passengers dodge the folks who empty their +slops out of window. + +LAMACHUS. Oh! in freedom's name! are such exaggerations to be borne? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Lamachus is well content; no doubt he is well paid, you +know. + +LAMACHUS. But I propose always to war with the Peloponnesians, both at +sea, on land and everywhere to make them tremble, and trounce them +soundly. + +DICAEOPOLIS. For my own part, I make proclamation to all Peloponnesians, +Megarians and Boeotians, that to them my markets are open; but I debar +Lamachus from entering them. + +CHORUS. Convinced by this man's speech, the folk have changed their view +and approve him for having concluded peace. But let us prepare for the +recital of the parabasis.[221] + +Never since our poet presented Comedies, has he praised himself upon the +stage; but, having been slandered by his enemies amongst the volatile +Athenians, accused of scoffing at his country and of insulting the +people, to-day he wishes to reply and regain for himself the inconstant +Athenians. He maintains that he has done much that is good for you; if +you no longer allow yourselves to be too much hoodwinked by strangers or +seduced by flattery, if in politics you are no longer the ninnies you +once were, it is thanks to him. Formerly, when delegates from other +cities wanted to deceive you, they had but to style you, "the people +crowned with violets," and, at the word "violets" you at once sat erect +on the tips of your bums. Or, if to tickle your vanity, someone spoke of +"rich and sleek Athens," in return for that 'sleekness' he would get all, +because he spoke of you as he would have of anchovies in oil. In +cautioning you against such wiles, the poet has done you great service as +well as in forcing you to understand what is really the democratic +principle. Thus, the strangers, who came to pay their tributes, wanted to +see this great poet, who had dared to speak the truth to Athens. And so +far has the fame of his boldness reached that one day the Great King, +when questioning the Lacedaemonian delegates, first asked them which of +the two rival cities was the superior at sea, and then immediately +demanded at which it was that the comic poet directed his biting satire. +"Happy that city," he added, "if it listens to his counsel; it will grow +in power, and its victory is assured." This is why the Lacedaemonians +offer you peace, if you will cede them Aegina; not that they care for the +isle, but they wish to rob you of your poet.[222] As for you, never lose +him, who will always fight for the cause of justice in his Comedies; he +promises you that his precepts will lead you to happiness, though he uses +neither flattery, nor bribery, nor intrigue, nor deceit; instead of +loading you with praise, he will point you to the better way. I scoff at +Cleon's tricks and plotting; honesty and justice shall fight my cause; +never will you find me a political poltroon, a prostitute to the highest +bidder. + +I invoke thee, Acharnian Muse, fierce and fell as the devouring fire; +sudden as the spark that bursts from the crackling oaken coal when roused +by the quickening fan to fry little fishes, while others knead the dough +or whip the sharp Thasian pickle with rapid hand, so break forth, my +Muse, and inspire thy tribesmen with rough, vigorous, stirring strains. + +We others, now old men and heavy with years, we reproach the city; so +many are the victories we have gained for the Athenian fleets that we +well deserve to be cared for in our declining life; yet far from this, we +are ill-used, harassed with law-suits, delivered over to the scorn of +stripling orators. Our minds and bodies being ravaged with age, Posidon +should protect us, yet we have no other support than a staff. When +standing before the judge, we can scarcely stammer forth the fewest +words, and of justice we see but its barest shadow, whereas the accuser, +desirous of conciliating the younger men, overwhelms us with his ready +rhetoric; he drags us before the judge, presses us with questions, lays +traps for us; the onslaught troubles, upsets and rends poor old Tithonus, +who, crushed with age, stands tongue-tied; sentenced to a fine,[223] he +weeps, he sobs and says to his friend, "This fine robs me of the last +trifle that was to have bought my coffin." + +Is this not a scandal? What! the clepsydra[224] is to kill the +white-haired veteran, who, in fierce fighting, has so oft covered himself +with glorious sweat, whose valour at Marathon saved the country! 'Twas we +who pursued on the field of Marathon, whereas now 'tis wretches who +pursue us to the death and crush us! What would Marpsias reply to +this?[225] What an injustice, that a man, bent with age like Thucydides, +should be brow-beaten by this braggart advocate, Cephisodemus,[226] who +is as savage as the Scythian desert he was born in! Is it not to convict +him from the outset? I wept tears of pity when I saw an Archer[227] +maltreat this old man, who, by Ceres, when he was young and the true +Thucydides, would not have permitted an insult from Ceres herself! At +that date he would have floored ten miserable orators, he would have +terrified three thousand Archers with his shouts; he would have pierced +the whole line of the enemy with his shafts. Ah! but if you will not +leave the aged in peace, decree that the advocates be matched; thus the +old man will only be confronted with a toothless greybeard, the young +will fight with the braggart, the ignoble with the son of Clinias[228]; +make a law that in future, the old man can only be summoned and convicted +at the courts by the aged and the young man by the youth. + +DICAEOPOLIS. These are the confines of my market-place. All +Peloponnesians, Megarians, Boeotians, have the right to come and trade +here, provided they sell their wares to me and not to Lamachus. As +market-inspectors I appoint these three whips of Leprean[229] leather, +chosen by lot. Warned away are all informers and all men of Phasis.[230] +They are bringing me the pillar on which the treaty is inscribed[231] and +I shall erect it in the centre of the market, well in sight of all. + +A MEGARIAN. Hail! market of Athens, beloved of Megarians. Let Zeus, the +patron of friendship, witness, I regretted you as a mother mourns her +son. Come, poor little daughters of an unfortunate father, try to find +something to eat; listen to me with the full heed of an empty belly. +Which would you prefer? To be sold or to cry with hunger. + +DAUGHTERS. To be sold, to be sold! + +MEGARIAN. That is my opinion too. But who would make so sorry a deal as +to buy you? Ah! I recall me a Megarian trick; I am going to disguise you +as little porkers, that I am offering for sale. Fit your hands with these +hoofs and take care to appear the issue of a sow of good breed, for, if I +am forced to take you back to the house, by Hermes! you will suffer +cruelly of hunger! Then fix on these snouts and cram yourselves into this +sack. Forget not to grunt and to say wee-wee like the little pigs that +are sacrificed in the Mysteries. I must summon Dicaeopolis. Where is he? +Dicaeopolis, will you buy some nice little porkers? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Who are you? a Megarian? + +MEGARIAN. I have come to your market. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Well, how are things at Megara?[232] + +MEGARIAN. We are crying with hunger at our firesides. + +DICAEOPOLIS. The fireside is jolly enough with a piper. But what else is +doing at Megara, eh? + +MEGARIAN. What else? When I left for the market, the authorities were +taking steps to let us die in the quickest manner. + +DICAEOPOLIS. That is the best way to get you out of all your troubles. + +MEGARIAN. True. + +DICAEOPOLIS. What other news of Megara? What is wheat selling at? + +MEGARIAN. With us it is valued as highly as the very gods in heaven! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Is it salt that you are bringing? + +MEGARIAN. Are you not holding back the salt? + +DICAEOPOLIS. 'Tis garlic then? + +MEGARIAN. What! garlic! do you not at every raid grub up the ground with +your pikes to pull out every single head? + +DICAEOPOLIS. What _do_ you bring then? + +MEGARIAN. Little sows, like those they immolate at the Mysteries. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! very well, show me them. + +MEGARIAN. They are very fine; feel their weight. See! how fat and fine. + +DICAEOPOLIS. But what is this? + +MEGARIAN. A _sow_, for a certainty.[233] + +DICAEOPOLIS. You say a sow! of what country, then? + +MEGARIAN. From Megara. What! is that not a sow then? + +DICAEOPOLIS. No, I don't believe it is. + +MEGARIAN. This is too much! what an incredulous man! He says 'tis not a +sow; but we will stake, an you will, a measure of salt ground up with +thyme, that in good Greek this is called a sow and nothing else. + +DICAEOPOLIS. But a sow of the human kind. + +MEGARIAN. Without question, by Diocles! of my own breed! Well! What think +you? will you hear them squeal? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Well, yes, i' faith, I will. + +MEGARIAN. Cry quickly, wee sowlet; squeak up, hussy, or by Hermes! I take +you back to the house. + +GIRL. Wee-wee, wee-wee! + +MEGARIAN. Is that a little sow, or not? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Yes, it seems so; but let it grow up, and it will be a fine +fat cunt. + +MEGARIAN. In five years it will be just like its mother. + +DICAEOPOLIS. But it cannot be sacrificed. + +MEGARIAN. And why not? + +DICAEOPOLIS. It has no tail.[234] + +MEGARIAN. Because it is quite young, but in good time it will have a big +one, thick and red. + +DICAEOPOLIS. The two are as like as two peas. + +MEGARIAN. They are born of the same father and mother; let them be +fattened, let them grow their bristles, and they will be the finest sows +you can offer to Aphrodité. + +DICAEOPOLIS. But sows are not immolated to Aphrodité. + +MEGARIAN. Not sows to Aphrodité! Why, 'tis the only goddess to whom they +are offered! the flesh of my sows will be excellent on the spit. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Can they eat alone? They no longer need their mother! + +MEGARIAN. Certainly not, nor their father. + +DICAEOPOLIS. What do they like most? + +MEGARIAN. Whatever is given them; but ask for yourself. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Speak! little sow. + +DAUGHTER. Wee-wee, wee-wee! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Can you eat chick-pease?[235] + +DAUGHTER. Wee-wee, wee-wee, wee-wee! + +DICAEOPOLIS. And Attic figs? + +DAUGHTER. Wee-wee, wee-wee! + +DICAEOPOLIS. What sharp squeaks at the name of figs. Come, let some figs +be brought for these little pigs. Will they eat them? Goodness! how they +munch them, what a grinding of teeth, mighty Heracles! I believe those +pigs hail from the land of the Voracians. But surely, 'tis impossible +they have bolted all the figs! + +MEGARIAN. Yes, certainly, bar this one that I took from them. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! what funny creatures! For what sum will you sell them? + +MEGARIAN. I will give you one for a bunch of garlic, and the other, if +you like, for a quart measure of salt. + +DICAEOPOLIS. I buy them of you. Wait for me here. + +MEGARIAN. The deal is done. Hermes, god of good traders, grant I may sell +both my wife and my mother in the same way! + +AN INFORMER. Hi! fellow, what countryman are you? + +MEGARIAN. I am a pig-merchant from Megara. + +INFORMER. I shall denounce both your pigs and yourself as public enemies. + +MEGARIAN. Ah! here our troubles begin afresh! + +INFORMER. Let go that sack. I will punish your Megarian lingo.[236] + +MEGARIAN. Dicaeopolis, Dicaeopolis, they want to denounce me. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Who dares do this thing? Inspectors, drive out the +Informers. Ah! you offer to enlighten us without a lamp![237] + +INFORMER. What! I may not denounce our enemies? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Have a care for yourself, if you don't go off pretty quick +to denounce elsewhere. + +MEGARIAN. What a plague to Athens! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Be reassured, Megarian. Here is the value of your two swine, +the garlic and the salt. Farewell and much happiness! + +MEGARIAN. Ah! we never have that amongst us. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Well! may the inopportune wish apply to myself. + +MEGARIAN. Farewell, dear little sows, and seek, far from your father, to +munch your bread with salt, if they give you any. + +CHORUS. Here is a man truly happy. See how everything succeeds to his +wish. Peacefully seated in his market, he will earn his living; woe to +Ctesias,[238] and all other informers, who dare to enter there! You will +not be cheated as to the value of wares, you will not again see +Prepis[239] wiping his foul rump, nor will Cleonymus[240] jostle you; you +will take your walks, clothed in a fine tunic, without meeting +Hyperbolus[241] and his unceasing quibblings, without being accosted on +the public place by any importunate fellow, neither by Cratinus,[242] +shaven in the fashion of the debauchees, nor by this musician, who +plagues us with his silly improvisations, Artemo, with his arm-pits +stinking as foul as a goat, like his father before him. You will not be +the butt of the villainous Pauson's[243] jeers, nor of Lysistratus,[244] +the disgrace of the Cholargian deme, who is the incarnation of all the +vices, and endures cold and hunger more than thirty days in the month. + +A BOEOTIAN. By Heracles! my shoulder is quite black and blue. Ismenias, +put the penny-royal down there very gently, and all of you, musicians +from Thebes, pipe with your bone flutes into a dog's rump.[245] + +DICAEOPOLIS. Enough, enough, get you gone. Rascally hornets, away with +you! Whence has sprung this accursed swarm of Cheris[246] fellows which +comes assailing my door? + +BOEOTIAN. Ah! by Iolas![247] Drive them off, my dear host, you will +please me immensely; all the way from Thebes, they were there piping +behind me and have completely stripped my penny-royal of its blossom. But +will you buy anything of me, some chickens or some locusts? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! good day, Boeotian, eater of good round loaves.[248] +What do you bring? + +BOEOTIAN. All that is good in Boeotia, marjoram, penny-royal, rush-mats, +lamp-wicks, ducks, jays, woodcocks, waterfowl, wrens, divers. + +DICAEOPOLIS. 'Tis a very hail of birds that beats down on my market. + +BOEOTIAN. I also bring geese, hares, foxes, moles, hedgehogs, cats, +lyres, martins, otters and eels from the Copaic lake.[249] + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! my friend, you, who bring me the most delicious of fish, +let me salute your eels. + +BOEOTIAN. Come, thou, the eldest of my fifty Copaic virgins, come and +complete the joy of our host. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! my well-beloved, thou object of my long regrets, thou +art here at last then, thou, after whom the comic poets sigh, thou, who +art dear to Morychus.[250] Slaves, hither with the stove and the bellows. +Look at this charming eel, that returns to us after six long years of +absence.[251] Salute it, my children; as for myself, I will supply coal +to do honour to the stranger. Take it into my house; death itself could +not separate me from her, if cooked with beet leaves. + +BOEOTIAN. And what will you give me in return? + +DICAEOPOLIS. It will pay for your market dues. And as to the rest, what +do you wish to sell me? + +BOEOTIAN. Why, everything. + +DICAEOPOLIS. On what terms? For ready-money or in wares from these parts? + +BOEOTIAN. I would take some Athenian produce, that we have not got in +Boeotia. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Phaleric anchovies, pottery? + +BOEOTIAN. Anchovies, pottery? But these we have. I want produce that is +wanting with us and that is plentiful here. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! I have the very thing; take away an Informer, packed up +carefully as crockery-ware. + +BOEOTIAN. By the twin gods! I should earn big money, if I took one; I +would exhibit him as an ape full of spite. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Hah! here we have Nicarchus,[252] who comes to denounce you. + +BOEOTIAN. How small he is! + +DICAEOPOLIS. But in his case the whole is one mass of ill-nature. + +NICARCHUS. Whose are these goods? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Mine; they come from Boeotia, I call Zeus to witness. + +NICARCHUS. I denounce them as coming from an enemy's country. + +BOEOTIAN. What! you declare war against birds? + +NICARCHUS. And I am going to denounce you too. + +BOEOTIAN. What harm have I done you? + +NICARCHUS. I will say it for the benefit of those that listen; you +introduce lamp-wicks from an enemy's country. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Then you go as far as denouncing a wick. + +NICARCHUS. It needs but one to set an arsenal afire. + +DICAEOPOLIS. A wick set an arsenal ablaze! But how, great gods? + +NICARCHUS. Should a Boeotian attach it to an insect's wing, and, taking +advantage of a violent north wind, throw it by means of a tube into the +arsenal and the fire once get hold of the vessels, everything would soon +be devoured by the flames. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! wretch! an insect and a wick would devour everything. +(_He strikes him_.) + +NICARCHUS (_to the Chorus_). You will bear witness, that he mishandles +me. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Shut his mouth. Give him some hay; I am going to pack him up +as a vase, that he may not get broken on the road. + +CHORUS. Pack up your goods carefully, friend; that the stranger may not +break it when taking it away. + +DICAEOPOLIS. I shall take great care with it, for one would say he is +cracked already; he rings with a false note, which the gods abhor. + +CHORUS. But what will be done with him? + +DICAEOPOLIS. This is a vase good for all purposes; it will be used as a +vessel for holding all foul things, a mortar for pounding together +law-suits, a lamp for spying upon accounts, and as a cup for the mixing +up and poisoning of everything. + +CHORUS. None could ever trust a vessel for domestic use that has such a +ring about it. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! it is strong, my friend, and will never get broken, if +care is taken to hang it head downwards. + +CHORUS. There! it is well packed now! + +BOEOTIAN. Marry, I will proceed to carry off my bundle. + +CHORUS. Farewell, worthiest of strangers, take this Informer, good for +anything, and fling him where you like. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Bah! this rogue has given me enough trouble to pack! Here! +Boeotian, pick up your pottery. + +BOEOTIAN. Stoop, Ismenias, that I may put it on your shoulder, and be +very careful with it. + +DICAEOPOLIS. You carry nothing worth having; however, take it, for you +will profit by your bargain; the Informers will bring you luck. + +A SERVANT OF LAMACHUS. Dicaeopolis! + +DICAEOPOLIS. What do want crying this gait? + +SERVANT. Lamachus wants to keep the Feast of Cups,[253] and I come by his +order to bid you one drachma for some thrushes and three more for a +Copaic eel. + +DICAEOPOLIS. And who is this Lamachus, who demands an eel? + +SERVANT. 'Tis the terrible, indefatigable Lamachus, he, who is always +brandishing his fearful Gorgon's head and the three plumes which +o'ershadow his helmet. + +DICAEOPOLIS. No, no, he will get nothing, even though he gave me his +buckler. Let him eat salt fish, while he shakes his plumes, and, if he +comes here making any din, I shall call the inspectors. As for myself, I +shall take away all these goods; I go home on thrushes' wings and +blackbirds' pinions.[254] + +CHORUS. You see, citizens, you see the good fortune which this man owes +to his prudence, to his profound wisdom. You see how, since he has +concluded peace, he buys what is useful in the household and good to eat +hot. All good things flow towards him unsought. Never will I welcome the +god of war in my house; never shall he chant the 'Harmodius' at my +table;[255] he is a sot, who comes feasting with those who are +overflowing with good things and brings all sorts of mischief at his +heels. He overthrows, ruins, rips open; 'tis vain to make him a thousand +offers, "be seated, pray, drink this cup, proffered in all friendship," +he burns our vine-stocks and brutally pours out the wine from our +vineyards on the ground. This man, on the other hand, covers his table +with a thousand dishes; proud of his good fortunes, he has had these +feathers cast before his door to show us how he lives. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! Peace! companion of fair Aphrodité and of the sweet +Graces, how charming are your features and yet I never knew it! Would +that Eros might join me to thee, Eros, crowned with roses as Zeuxis[256] +shows him to us! Perhaps I seem somewhat old to you, but I am yet able to +make you a threefold offering; despite my age, I could plant a long row +of vines for you; then beside these some tender cuttings from the fig; +finally a young vine-stock, loaded with fruit and all round the field +olive trees, which would furnish us with oil, wherewith to anoint us both +at the New Moons. + +HERALD. List, ye people! As was the custom of your forebears, empty a +full pitcher of wine at the call of the trumpet; he, who first sees the +bottom, shall get a wine-skin as round and plump as Ctesiphon's belly. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Women, children, have you not heard? Faith! do you not heed +the herald? Quick! let the hares boil and roast merrily; keep them +a-turning; withdraw them from the flame; prepare the chaplets; reach me +the skewers that I may spit the thrushes. + +CHORUS. I envy you your wisdom and even more your good cheer. + +DICAEOPOLIS. What then will you say when you see the thrushes roasting? + +CHORUS. Ah! true indeed! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Slave! stir up the fire. + +CHORUS. See, how he knows his business, what a perfect cook! How well he +understands the way to prepare a good dinner! + +A HUSBANDMAN. Ah! woe is me! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Heracles! What have we here? + +HUSBANDMAN. A most miserable man. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Keep your misery for yourself. + +HUSBANDMAN. Ah! friend! since you alone are enjoying peace, grant me a +part of your truce, were it but five years. + +DICAEOPOLIS. What has happened to you? + +HUSBANDMAN. I am ruined; I have lost a pair of steers. + +DICAEOPOLIS. How? + +HUSBANDMAN. The Boeotians seized them at Phylé.[257] + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! poor wretch! and yet you have not left off white? + +HUSBANDMAN. Their dung made my wealth. + +DICAEOPOLIS. What can I do in the matter? + +HUSBANDMAN. Crying for my beasts has lost me my eyesight. Ah! if you care +for poor Dercetes of Phylé, anoint mine eyes quickly with your balm of +peace. + +DICAEOPOLIS. But, my poor fellow, I do not practise medicine. + +HUSBANDMAN. Come, I adjure you; perchance I shall recover my steers. + +DICAEOPOLIS. 'Tis impossible; away, go and whine to the disciples of +Pittalus.[258] + + +HUSBANDMAN. Grant me but one drop of peace; pour it into this reedlet. + +DICAEOPOLIS. No, not a particle; go a-weeping elsewhere. + +HUSBANDMAN. Oh! oh! oh! my poor beasts! + +CHORUS. This man has discovered the sweetest enjoyment in peace; he will +share it with none. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Pour honey over this tripe; set it before the fire to dry. + +CHORUS. What lofty tones he uses! Did you hear him? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Get the eels on the gridiron! + +CHORUS. You are killing me with hunger; your smoke is choking your +neighbours, and you split our ears with your bawling. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Have this fried and let it be nicely browned. + +A BRIDESMAID. Dicaeopolis! Dicaeopolis! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Who are you? + +BRIDESMAID. A young bridegroom sends you these viands from the marriage +feast. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Whoever he be, I thank him. + +BRIDESMAID. And in return, he prays you to pour a glass of peace into +this vase, that he may not have to go to the front and may stay at home +to do his duty to his young wife. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Take back, take back your viands; for a thousand drachmae I +would not give a drop of peace; but who are you, pray? + +BRIDESMAID. I am the bridesmaid; she wants to say something to you from +the bride privately. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Come, what do you wish to say? (_The bridesmaid whispers in +his ear._) _Ah!_ what a ridiculous demand! The bride burns with longing +to keep by her her husband's weapon. Come! bring hither my truce; to her +alone will I give some of it, for she is a woman, and, as such, should +not suffer under the war. Here, friend, reach hither your vial. And as to +the manner of applying this balm, tell the bride, when a levy of soldiers +is made to rub some in bed on her husband, where most needed. There, +slave, take away my truce! Now, quick hither with the wine-flagon, that I +may fill up the drinking bowls! + +CHORUS. I see a man, striding along apace, with knitted brows; he seems +to us the bearer of terrible tidings. + +HERALD. Oh! toils and battles! 'tis Lamachus! + +LAMACHUS. What noise resounds around my dwelling, where shines the glint +of arms. + +HERALD. The Generals order you forthwith to take your battalions and your +plumes, and, despite the snow, to go and guard our borders. They have +learnt that a band of Boeotians intend taking advantage of the feast of +Cups to invade our country. + +LAMACHUS. Ah! the Generals! they are numerous, but not good for much! +It's cruel, not to be able to enjoy the feast! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! warlike host of Lamachus! + +LAMACHUS. Wretch! do you dare to jeer me? + +DICAEOPOLIS. Do you want to fight this four-winged Geryon? + +LAMACHUS. Oh! oh! what fearful tidings! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! ah! I see another herald running up; what news does he +bring me? + +HERALD. Dicaeopolis! + +DICAEOPOLIS. What is the matter? + +HERALD. Come quickly to the feast and bring your basket and your cup; +'tis the priest of Bacchus who invites you. But hasten, the guests have +been waiting for you a long while. All is ready--couches, tables, +cushions, chaplets, perfumes, dainties and courtesans to boot; biscuits, +cakes, sesamé-bread, tarts, and--lovely dancing women, the sweetest charm +of the festivity. But come with all haste. + +LAMACHUS. Oh! hostile gods! + +DICAEOPOLIS. This is not astounding; you have chosen this huge, great +ugly Gorgon's head for your patron. You, shut the door, and let someone +get ready the meal. + +LAMACHUS. Slave! slave! my knapsack! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Slave! slave! a basket! + +LAMACHUS. Take salt and thyme, slave, and don't forget the onions. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Get some fish for me; I cannot bear onions. + +LAMACHUS. Slave, wrap me up a little stale salt meat in a fig-leaf. + +DICAEOPOLIS. And for me some good greasy tripe in a fig-leaf; I will have +it cooked here. + +LAMACHUS. Bring me the plumes for my helmet. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Bring me wild pigeons and thrushes. + +LAMACHUS. How white and beautiful are these ostrich feathers! + +DICAEOPOLIS. How fat and well browned is the flesh of this wood-pigeon! + +LAMACHUS. Bring me the case for my triple plume. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Pass me over that dish of hare. + +LAMACHUS. _Oh!_ the moths have eaten the hair of my crest! + +DICAEOPOLIS. I shall always eat hare before dinner. + +LAMACHUS. Hi! friend! try not to scoff at my armour. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Hi! friend! will you kindly not stare at my thrushes. + +LAMACHUS. Hi! friend! will you kindly not address me. + +DICAEOPOLIS. I do not address you; I am scolding my slave. Shall we wager +and submit the matter to Lamachus, which of the two is the best to eat, a +locust or a thrush? + +LAMACHUS. Insolent hound! + +DICAEOPOLIS. He much prefers the locusts. + +LAMACHUS. Slave, unhook my spear and bring it to me. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Slave, slave, take the sausage from the fire and bring it to +me. + +LAMACHUS. Come, let me draw my spear from its sheath. Hold it, slave, +hold it tight. + +DICAEOPOLIS. And you, slave, grip, grip well hold of the skewer. + +LAMACHUS. Slave, the bracings for my shield. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Pull the loaves out of the oven and bring me these bracings +of my stomach. + +LAMACHUS. My round buckler with the Gorgon's head. + +DICAEOPOLIS. My round cheese-cake. + +LAMACHUS. What clumsy wit! + +DICAEOPOLIS. What delicious cheese-cake! + +LAMACHUS. Pour oil on the buckler. Hah! hah! I can see an old man who +will be accused of cowardice. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Pour honey on the cake. Hah! hah! I can see an old man who +makes Lamachus of the Gorgon's head weep with rage. + +LAMACHUS. Slave, full war armour. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Slave, my beaker; that is _my_ armour. + +LAMACHUS. With this I hold my ground with any foe. + +DICAEOPOLIS. And I with this with any tosspot. + +LAMACHUS. Fasten the strappings to the buckler; personally I shall carry +the knapsack. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Pack the dinner well into the basket; personally I shall +carry the cloak. + +LAMACHUS. Slave, take up the buckler and let's be off. It is snowing! Ah! +'tis a question of facing the winter. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Take up the basket, 'tis a question of getting to the feast. + +CHORUS. We wish you both joy on your journeys, which differ so much. One +goes to mount guard and freeze, while the other will drink, crowned with +flowers, and then sleep with a young beauty, who will rub his tool for +him. + +I say it freely; may Zeus confound Antimachus, the poet-historian, the +son of Psacas! When Choregus at the Lenaea, alas! alas! he dismissed me +dinnerless. May I see him devouring with his eyes a cuttle-fish, just +served, well cooked, hot and properly salted; and the moment that he +stretches his hand to help himself, may a dog seize it and run off with +it. Such is my first wish. I also hope for him a misfortune at night. +That returning all-fevered from horse practice, he may meet an +Orestes,[259] mad with drink, who breaks open his head; that wishing to +seize a stone, he, in the dark, may pick up a fresh stool, hurl his +missile, miss aim and hit Cratinus.[260] + +SLAVE OF LAMACHUS. Slaves of Lamachus! Water, water in a little pot! Make +it warm, get ready cloths, cerate, greasy wool and bandages for his +ankle. In leaping a ditch, the master has hurt himself against a stake; +he has dislocated and twisted his ankle, broken his head by falling on a +stone, while his Gorgon shot far away from his buckler. His mighty +braggadocio plume rolled on the ground; at this sight he uttered these +doleful words, "Radiant star, I gaze on thee for the last time; my eyes +close to all light, I die." Having said this, he falls into the water, +gets out again, meets some runaways and pursues the robbers with his +spear at their backsides.[261] But here he comes, himself. Get the door +open. + +LAMACHUS. Oh! heavens! oh! heavens! What cruel pain! I faint, I tremble! +Alas! I die! the foe's lance has struck me! But what would hurt me most +would be for Dicaeopolis to see me wounded thus and laugh at my +ill-fortune. + +DICAEOPOLIS (_enters with two courtesans_). Oh! my gods! what bosoms! +Hard as a quince! Come, my treasures, give me voluptuous kisses! Glue +your lips to mine. Haha! I was the first to empty my cup. + +LAMACHUS. Oh! cruel fate! how I suffer! accursed wounds! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Hah! hah! hail! Knight Lamachus! (_Embraces Lamachus._) + +LAMACHUS. By the hostile gods! _(Bites Dicaeopolis.)_ + +DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! great gods! + +LAMACHUS. Why do you embrace me? + +DICAEOPOLIS. And why do you bite me? + +LAMACHUS. 'Twas a cruel score I was paying back! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Scores are not evened at the feast of Cups! + +LAMACHUS. Oh! Paean, Paean! + +DICAEOPOLIS. But to-day is not the feast of Paean. + +LAMACHUS. Oh! support my leg, do; ah! hold it tenderly, my friends! + +DICAEOPOLIS. And you, my darlings, take hold of my tool both of you! + +LAMACHUS. This blow with the stone makes me dizzy; my sight grows dim. + +DICAEOPOLIS. For myself, I want to get to bed; I am bursting with +lustfulness, I want to be fucking in the dark. + +LAMACHUS. Carry me to the surgeon Pittalus. + +DICAEOPOLIS. Take me to the judges. Where is the king of the feast? The +wine-skin is mine! + +LAMACHUS. That spear has pierced my bones; what torture I endure! + +DICAEOPOLIS. You see this empty cup! I triumph! I triumph! + +CHORUS. Old man, I come at your bidding! You triumph! you triumph! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Again I have brimmed my cup with unmixed wine and drained it +at a draught! + +CHORUS. You triumph then, brave champion; thine is the wine-skin! + +DICAEOPOLIS. Follow me, singing "Triumph! Triumph!" + +CHORUS. Aye! we will sing of thee, thee and thy sacred wine-skin, and we +all, as we follow thee, will repeat in thine honour, "Triumph, Triumph!" + + * * * * * + +FINIS OF "THE ACHARNIANS" + + * * * * * + +Footnotes: + +[147] A name invented by Aristophanes and signifying 'a just citizen.' + +[148] Cleon had received five talents from the islanders subject to +Athens, on condition that he should get the tribute payable by them +reduced; when informed of this transaction, the Knights compelled him to +return the money. + +[149] A hemistich borrowed from Euripides' 'Telephus.' + +[150] The tragedies of Aeschylus continued to be played even after the +poet's death, which occurred in 436 B.C., ten years before the production +of the Acharnians. + +[151] A tragic poet, whose pieces were so devoid of warmth and life that +he was nicknamed [Greek: chi_on], i.e. _snow_. + +[152] A bad musician, frequently ridiculed by Aristophanes; he played +both the lyre and the flute. + +[153] A lively and elevated method. + +[154] A hill near the Acropolis, where the Assemblies were held. + +[155] Several means were used to force citizens to attend the assemblies; +the shops were closed; circulation was only permitted in those streets +which led to the Pnyx; finally, a rope covered with vermilion was drawn +round those who dallied in the Agora (the marketplace), and the +late-comers, ear-marked by the imprint of the rope, were fined. + +[156] Magistrates who, with the Archons and the Epistatae, shared the +care of holding and directing the assemblies of the people; they were +fifty in number. + +[157] The Peloponnesian War had already, at the date of the +representation of the 'Acharnians,' lasted five years, 431-426 B.C.; +driven from their lands by the successive Lacedaemonian invasions, the +people throughout the country had been compelled to seek shelter behind +the walls of Athens. + +[158] Shortly before the meeting of the Assembly, a number of young pigs +were immolated and a few drops of their blood were sprinkled on the seats +of the Prytanes; this sacrifice was in honour of Ceres. + +[159] The name, Amphitheus, contains the word, [Greek: Theos], _god_. + +[160] Amongst other duties, it was the office of the Prytanes to look +after the wants of the poor. + +[161] The summer residence of the Great King. + +[162] Referring to the hardships he had endured garrisoning the walls of +Athens during the Lacedaemonian invasions early in the War. + +[163] Cranaus, the second king of Athens, the successor of Cecrops. + +[164] Lucian, in his 'Hermotimus,' speaks of these golden mountains as an +apocryphal land of wonders and prodigies. + +[165] Cleonymus was an Athenian general of exceptionally tall stature; +Aristophanes incessantly rallies him for his cowardice; he had cast away +his buckler in a fight. + +[166] A name borne by certain officials of the King of Persia. The actor +of this part wore a mask, fitted with a single eye of great size. + +[167] Jargon, no doubt meaningless in all languages. + +[168] The Persians styled all Greeks 'Ionians' without distinction; here +the Athenians are intended. + +[169] A Greek measure, containing about six modii. + +[170] Noted for his extreme ugliness and his obscenity. Aristophanes +frequently holds him to scorn in his comedies. + +[171] Ambassadors were entertained there at the public expense. + +[172] King of Thrace. + +[173] The tragic poet. + +[174] A feast lasting three days and celebrated during the month +Pyanepsion (November). The Greek word contains the suggestion of fraud +([Greek: apat_e]). + +[175] A Thracian tribe from the right bank of the Strymon. + +[176] The Boeotians were the allies of Sparta. + +[177] Dicaeopolis had brought a clove of garlic with him to eat during +the Assembly. + +[178] Garlic was given to game-cocks, before setting them at each other, +to give them pluck for the fight. + +[179] At the least unfavourable omen, the sitting of the Assembly was +declared at an end. + +[180] The deme of Acharnae was largely inhabited by charcoal-burners, who +supplied the city with fuel. + +[181] He presents them in the form of wines contained in three separate +skins. + +[182] Meaning, preparations for war. + +[183] Meaning, securing allies for the continuance of the war. + +[184] When Athens sent forth an army, the soldiers were usually ordered +to assemble at some particular spot with provisions for three days. + +[185] These feasts were also called the Anthesteria or Lenaea; the +Lenaeum was a temple to Bacchus, erected outside the city. They took +place during the month Anthesterion (February). + +[186] A celebrated athlete from Croton and a victor at Olympia; he was +equally good as a runner and at the 'five exercises' ([Greek: +pentathlon.]). + +[187] He had been Archon at the time of the battle of Marathon. + +[188] A sacred formula, pronounced by the priest before offering the +sacrifice ([Greek: kan_ephoria]). + +[189] The maiden who carried the basket filled with fruits at the +Dionysia in honour of Bacchus. + +[190] The emblem of the fecundity of nature; it consisted of a +representation, generally grotesquely exaggerated, of the male genital +organs; the phallophori crowned with violets and ivy and their faces +shaded with green foliage, sang improvised airs, called 'Phallics,' full +of obscenity and suggestive 'double entendres.' + +[191] The most propitious moment for Love's gambols, observes the +scholiast. + +[192] Married women did not join in the processions. + +[193] The god of generation, worshipped in the form of a phallus. + +[194] A remark, which fixes the date of the production of the +'Acharnians,' viz. the sixth year of the Peloponnesian War, 426 B.C. + +[195] Lamachus was an Athenian general, who figures later in this comedy. + +[196] At the rural Dionysia a pot of kitchen vegetables was borne in the +procession along with other emblems. + +[197] Cleon the Demagogue was a currier originally by trade. He was the +sworn foe and particular detestation of the Knights or aristocratic party +generally. + +[198] That is, the baskets of charcoal. + +[199] The stage of the Greek theatre was much broader, and at the same +time shallower, than in a modern playhouse. + +[200] A mountain in Attica, in the neighbourhood of Acharnae. + +[201] Orators in the pay of the enemy. + +[202] Satire on the Athenians' addiction to lawsuits. + +[203] 'The Babylonians.' Cleon had denounced Aristophanes to the senate +for having scoffed at Athens before strangers, many of whom were present +at the performance. The play is now lost. + +[204] A tragic poet; we know next to nothing of him or his works. + +[205] Son of Aeolus, renowned in fable for his robberies, and for the +tortures to which he was put by Pluto. He was cunning enough to break +loose out of hell, but Hermes brought him back again. + +[206] This whole scene is directed at Euripides; Aristophanes ridicules +the subtleties of his poetry and the trickeries of his staging, which, +according to him, he only used to attract the less refined among his +audience. + +[207] "Wheeled out"--that is, by means of the [Greek: ekkukl_ema], a +mechanical contrivance of the Greek stage, by which an interior was +shown, the set scene with performers, etc., all complete, being in some +way, which cannot be clearly made out from the descriptions, swung out or +wheeled out on to the main stage. + +[208] Having been lamed, it is of course implied, by tumbling from the +lofty apparatus on which the Author sat perched to write his tragedies. + +[209] Euripides delighted, or was supposed by his critic Aristophanes to +delight, in the representation of misery and wretchedness on the stage. +'Aeneus,' 'Phoenix,' 'Philoctetes,' 'Bellerophon,' 'Telephus,' 'Ino' are +titles of six tragedies of his in this _genre_ of which fragments are +extant. + +[210] Line borrowed from Euripides. A great number of verses are +similarly parodied in this scene. + +[211] Report said that Euripides' mother had sold vegetables on the +market. + +[212] Aristophanes means, of course, to imply that the whole talent of +Euripides lay in these petty details of stage property. + +[213] 'The Babylonians' had been produced at a time of year when Athens +was crowded with strangers; 'The Acharnians,' on the contrary, was played +in December. + +[214] Sparta had been menaced with an earthquake in 427 B.C. Posidon was +'The Earthshaker,' god of earthquakes, as well as of the sea. + +[215] A song by Timocreon the Rhodian, the words of which were +practically identical with Pericles' decree. + +[216] A small and insignificant island, one of the Cyclades, allied with +the Athenians, like most of these islands previous to and during the +first part of the Peloponnesian War. + +[217] A figure of Medusa's head, forming the centre of Lamachus' shield. + +[218] Indicates the character of his election, which was arranged, so +Aristophanes implies, by his partisans. + +[219] Towns in Sicily. There is a pun on the name Gela--[Greek: Gela] and +[Greek: Katagela] (ridiculous)--which it is impossible to keep in +English. Apparently the Athenians had sent embassies to all parts of the +Greek world to arrange treaties of alliance in view of the struggle with +the Lacedaemonians; but only young debauchees of aristocratic connections +had been chosen as envoys. + +[220] A contemporary orator apparently, otherwise unknown. + +[221] The _parabasis_ in the Old Comedy was a sort of address or topical +harangue addressed directly by the poet, speaking by the Chorus, to the +audience. It was nearly always political in bearing, and the subject of +the particular piece was for the time being set aside altogether. + +[222] It will be remembered that Aristophanes owned land in Aegina. + +[223] Everything was made the object of a law-suit at Athens. The old +soldiers, inexpert at speaking, often lost the day. + +[224] A water-clock used to limit the length of speeches in the courts. + +[225] A braggart speaker, fiery and pugnacious. + +[226] Cephisodemus was an Athenian, but through his mother possessed +Scythian blood. + +[227] The city of Athens was policed by Scythian archers. + +[228] Alcibiades. + +[229] The leather market was held at Lepros, outside the city. + +[230] Meaning an informer ([Greek: phain_o], to denounce). + +[231] According to the Athenian custom. + +[232] Megara was allied to Sparta and suffered during the war more than +any other city, because of its proximity to Athens. + +[233]: Throughout this whole scene there is an obscene play upon the word +[Greek: choiros], which means in Greek both 'sow' and 'a woman's organs +of generation.' + +[234] Sacrificial victims were bound to be perfect in every part; an +animal, therefore, without a tail could not be offered. + +[235] The Greek word, [Greek: erebinthos], also means the male sexual +organ. Observe the little pig-girl greets this question with _three_ +affirmative squeaks! + +[236] The Megarians used the Doric dialect. + +[237] A play upon the word [Greek: phainein], which both means _to light_ +and _to denounce_. + +[238] An informer (sycophant), otherwise unknown. + +[239] A debauchee of vile habits; a pathic. + +[240] Mentioned above; he was as proud as he was cowardly. + +[241] An Athenian general, quarrelsome and litigious, and an Informer +into the bargain. + +[242] A comic poet of vile habits. + +[243] A painter. + +[244] A debauchee, a gambler, and always in extreme poverty. + +[245] This kind of flute had a bellows, made of dog-skin, much like the +bagpipes of to-day. + +[246] A flute-player, mentioned above. + +[247] A hero, much honoured in Thebes; nephew of Heracles. + +[248] A form of bread peculiar to Boeotia. + +[249] A lake in Boeotia. + +[250] He was the Lucullus of Athens. + +[251] This again fixes the date of the presentation of the 'Acharnians' +to 426 B.C., the sixth year of the War, since the beginning of which +Boeotia had been closed to the Athenians. + +[252] An Informer. + +[253] The second day of the Dionysia or feasts of Bacchus, kept in the +month Anthesterion (February), and called the Anthesteria. They lasted +three days; the second being the Feast of Cups, a description of which is +to be found at the end of this comedy, the third the Feast of Pans. +Vases, filled with grain of all kinds, were borne in procession and +dedicated to Hermes. + +[254] A parody of some verses from a lost poet. + +[255] A feasting song in honour of Harmodius, the assassin of Hipparchus +the Tyrant, son of Pisistratus. + +[256] The celebrated painter, born at Heraclea, a contemporary of +Aristophanes. + +[257] A deme and frontier fortress of Attica, near the Boeotian border. + +[258] An Athenian physician of the day. + +[259] An allusion to the paroxysms of rage, as represented in many +tragedies familiar to an Athenian audience, of Orestes, the son of +Agamemnon, after he had killed his mother. + +[260] No doubt the comic poet, rival of Aristophanes. + +[261] Unexpected wind-up of the story. Aristophanes intends to deride the +boasting of Lamachus, who was always ascribing to himself most unlikely +exploits. + + + + + +PEACE + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +The 'Peace' was brought out four years after 'The Acharnians' (422 B.C.), +when the War had already lasted ten years. The leading motive is the same +as in the former play--the intense desire of the less excitable and more +moderate-minded citizens for relief from the miseries of war. + +Trygaeus, a rustic patriot, finding no help in men, resolves to ascend to +heaven to expostulate personally with Zeus for allowing this wretched +state of things to continue. With this object he has fed and trained a +gigantic dung-beetle, which he mounts, and is carried, like Bellerophon +on Pegasus, on an aerial journey. Eventually he reaches Olympus, only to +find that the gods have gone elsewhere, and that the heavenly abode is +occupied solely by the demon of War, who is busy pounding up the Greek +States in a huge mortar. However, his benevolent purpose is not in vain; +for learning from Hermes that the goddess Peace has been cast into a pit, +where she is kept a fast prisoner, he calls upon the different peoples of +Hellas to make a united effort and rescue her, and with their help drags +her out and brings her back in triumph to earth. The play concludes with +the restoration of the goddess to her ancient honours, the festivities of +the rustic population and the nuptials of Trygaeus with Opora (Harvest), +handmaiden of Peace, represented as a pretty courtesan. + +Such references as there are to Cleon in this play are noteworthy. The +great Demagogue was now dead, having fallen in the same action as the +rival Spartan general, the renowned Brasidas, before Amphipolis, and +whatever Aristophanes says here of his old enemy is conceived in the +spirit of 'de mortuis nil nisi bonum.' In one scene Hermes is descanting +on the evils which had nearly ruined Athens and declares that 'The +Tanner' was the cause of them all. But Trygaeus interrupts him with the +words: + + "Hold--say not so, good master Hermes; + Let the man rest in peace where now he lies. + He is no longer of our world, but yours." + +Here surely we have a trait of magnanimity on the author's part as +admirable in its way as the wit and boldness of his former attacks had +been in theirs. + + * * * * * + +PEACE + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +TRYGAEUS. +TWO SERVANTS of TRYGAEUS. +MAIDENS, Daughters of TRYGAEUS. +HERMES. +WAR. +TUMULT. +HIEROCLES, a Soothsayer. +A SICKLE-MAKER. +A CREST-MAKER. +A TRUMPET-MAKER. +A HELMET-MAKER. +A SPEAR-MAKER. +SON OF LAMACHUS. +SON OF CLEONYMUS. +CHORUS OF HUSBANDMEN. + +SCENE: A farmyard, two slaves busy beside a dungheap; afterwards, in +Olympus. + + * * * * * + +PEACE + + +FIRST SERVANT. Quick, quick, bring the dung-beetle his cake. + +SECOND SERVANT. Coming, coming. + +FIRST SERVANT. Give it to him, and may it kill him! + +SECOND SERVANT. May he never eat a better. + +FIRST SERVANT. Now give him this other one kneaded up with ass's dung. + +SECOND SERVANT. There! I've done that too. + +FIRST SERVANT. And where's what you gave him just now; surely he can't +have devoured it yet! + +SECOND SERVANT. Indeed he has; he snatched it, rolled it between his feet +and boiled it. + +FIRST SERVANT. Come, hurry up, knead up a lot and knead them stiffly. + +SECOND SERVANT. Oh, scavengers, help me in the name of the gods, if you +do not wish to see me fall down choked. + +FIRST SERVANT. Come, come, another made of the stool of a young +scapegrace catamite. 'Twill be to the beetle's taste; he likes it well +ground.[262] + +SECOND SERVANT. There! I am free at least from suspicion; none will +accuse me of tasting what I mix. + +FIRST SERVANT. Faugh! come, now another! keep on mixing with all your +might. + +SECOND SERVANT. I' faith, no. I can stand this awful cesspool stench no +longer, so I bring you the whole ill-smelling gear. + +FIRST SERVANT. Pitch it down the sewer sooner, and yourself with it. + +SECOND SERVANT. Maybe, one of you can tell me where I can buy a +stopped-up nose, for there is no work more disgusting than to mix food +for a beetle and to carry it to him. A pig or a dog will at least pounce +upon our excrement without more ado, but this foul wretch affects the +disdainful, the spoilt mistress, and won't eat unless I offer him a cake +that has been kneaded for an entire day.... But let us open the door a +bit ajar without his seeing it. Has he done eating? Come, pluck up +courage, cram yourself till you burst! The cursed creature! It wallows in +its food! It grips it between its claws like a wrestler clutching his +opponent, and with head and feet together rolls up its paste like a +ropemaker twisting a hawser. What an indecent, stinking, gluttonous +beast! I know not what angry god let this monster loose upon us, but of a +certainty it was neither Aphrodité nor the Graces. + +FIRST SERVANT. Who was it then? + +SECOND SERVANT. No doubt the Thunderer, Zeus. + +FIRST SERVANT. But perhaps some spectator, some beardless youth, who +thinks himself a sage, will say, "What is this? What does the beetle +mean?" And then an Ionian,[263] sitting next him, will add, "I think 'tis +an allusion to Cleon, who so shamelessly feeds on filth all by +himself."--But now I'm going indoors to fetch the beetle a drink. + +SECOND SERVANT. As for me, I will explain the matter to you all, +children, youths, grown-ups and old men, aye, even to the decrepit +dotards. My master is mad, not as you are, but with another sort of +madness, quite a new kind. The livelong day he looks open-mouthed towards +heaven and never stops addressing Zeus. "Ah! Zeus," he cries, "what are +thy intentions? Lay aside thy besom; do not sweep Greece away!" + +TRYGAEUS. Ah! ah! ah! + +FIRST SERVANT. Hush, hush! Methinks I hear his voice! + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! Zeus, what art thou going to do for our people? Dost thou +not see this, that our cities will soon be but empty husks? + +FIRST SLAVE. As I told you, that is his form of madness. There you have a +sample of his follies. When his trouble first began to seize him, he said +to himself, "By what means could I go straight to Zeus?" Then he made +himself very slender little ladders and so clambered up towards heaven; +but he soon came hurtling down again and broke his head. Yesterday, to +our misfortune, he went out and brought us back this thoroughbred, but +from where I know not, this great beetle, whose groom he has forced me to +become. He himself caresses it as though it were a horse, saying, "Oh! my +little Pegasus,[264] my noble aerial steed, may your wings soon bear me +straight to Zeus!" But what is my master doing? I must stoop down to look +through this hole. Oh! great gods! Here! neighbours, run here quick! here +is my master flying off mounted on his beetle as if on horseback. + +TRYGAEUS. Gently, gently, go easy, beetle; don't start off so proudly, or +trust at first too greatly to your powers; wait till you have sweated, +till the beating of your wings shall make your limb joints supple. Above +all things, don't let off some foul smell, I adjure you; else I would +rather have you stop in the stable altogether. + +SECOND SERVANT. Poor master! Is he crazy? + +TRYGAEUS. Silence! silence! + +SECOND SERVANT (_to Trygaeus_). But why start up into the air on chance? + +TRYGAEUS. 'Tis for the weal of all the Greeks; I am attempting a daring +and novel feat. + +SECOND SERVANT. But what is your purpose? What useless folly! + +TRYGAEUS. No words of ill omen! Give vent to joy and command all men to +keep silence, to close down their drains and privies with new tiles and +to stop their own vent-holes.[265] + +FIRST SERVANT. No, I shall not be silent, unless you tell me where you +are going. + +TRYGAEUS. Why, where am I likely to be going across the sky, if it be not +to visit Zeus? + +FIRST SERVANT. For what purpose? + +TRYGAEUS. I want to ask him what he reckons to do for all the Greeks. + +SECOND SERVANT. And if he doesn't tell you? + +TRYGAEUS. I shall pursue him at law as a traitor who sells Greece to the +Medes.[266] + +SECOND SERVANT. Death seize me, if I let you go. + +TRYGAEUS. It is absolutely necessary. + +SECOND SERVANT. Alas! alas! dear little girls, your father is deserting +you secretly to go to heaven. Ah! poor orphans, entreat him, beseech him. + +LITTLE DAUGHTER. Father! father! what is this I hear? Is it true? What! +you would leave me, you would vanish into the sky, you would go to the +crows?[267] 'Tis impossible! Answer, father, an you love me. + +TRYGAEUS. Yes, I am going. You hurt me too sorely, my daughters, when you +ask me for bread, calling me your daddy, and there is not the ghost of an +obolus in the house; if I succeed and come back, you will have a barley +loaf every morning--and a punch in the eye for sauce! + +LITTLE DAUGHTER. But how will you make the journey? 'Tis not a ship that +will carry you thither. + +TRYGAEUS. No, but this winged steed will. + +LITTLE DAUGHTER. But what an idea, daddy, to harness a beetle, on which +to fly to the gods. + +TRYGAEUS. We see from Aesop's fables that they alone can fly to the abode +of the Immortals.[268] + +LITTLE DAUGHTER. Father, father, 'tis a tale nobody can believe! that +such a stinking creature can have gone to the gods. + +TRYGAEUS. It went to have vengeance on the eagle and break its eggs. + +LITTLE DAUGHTER. Why not saddle Pegasus? you would have a more +_tragic_[269] appearance in the eyes of the gods. + +TRYGAEUS. Eh! don't you see, little fool, that then twice the food would +be wanted? Whereas my beetle devours again as filth what I have eaten +myself. + +LITTLE DAUGHTER. And if it fell into the watery depths of the sea, could +it escape with its wings? + +TRYGAEUS (_showing his penis_). I am fitted with a rudder in case of +need, and my Naxos beetle will serve me as a boat.[270] + +LITTLE DAUGHTER. And what harbour will you put in at? + +TRYGAEUS. Why, is there not the harbour of Cantharos at the Piraeus?[271] + +LITTLE DAUGHTER. Take care not to knock against anything and so fall off +into space; once a cripple, you would be a fit subject for Euripides, who +would put you into a tragedy.[272] + +TRYGAEUS. I'll see to it. Good-bye! (_To the Athenians._) You, for love +of whom I brave these dangers, do ye neither let wind nor go to stool for +the space of three days, for, if, while cleaving the air, my steed should +scent anything, he would fling me head foremost from the summit of my +hopes. Now come, my Pegasus, get a-going with up-pricked ears and make +your golden bridle resound gaily. Eh! what are you doing? What are you up +to? Do you turn your nose towards the cesspools? Come, pluck up a spirit; +rush upwards from the earth, stretch out your speedy wings and make +straight for the palace of Zeus; for once give up foraging in your daily +food.--Hi! you down there, what are you after now? Oh! my god! 'tis a man +emptying his belly in the Piraeus, close to the house where the bad girls +are. But is it my death you seek then, my death? Will you not bury that +right away and pile a great heap of earth upon it and plant wild thyme +therein and pour perfumes on it? If I were to fall from up here and +misfortune happened to me, the town of Chios[273]would owe a fine of five +talents for my death, all along of your cursed rump. Alas! how frightened +I am! oh! I have no heart for jests. Ah! machinist, take great care of +me. There is already a wind whirling round my navel; take great care or, +from sheer fright, I shall form food for my beetle.... But I think I am +no longer far from the gods; aye, that is the dwelling of Zeus, I +perceive. Hullo! Hi! where is the doorkeeper? Will no one open? + + * * * * * + +_The scene changes and heaven is presented._ + +HERMES. Meseems I can sniff a man. (_He perceives Trygaeus astride his +beetle._) Why, what plague is this? + +TRYGAEUS. A horse-beetle. + +HERMES. Oh! impudent, shameless rascal! oh! scoundrel! triple scoundrel! +the greatest scoundrel in the world! how did you come here? Oh! scoundrel +of all scoundrels! your name? Reply. + +TRYGAEUS. Triple scoundrel. + +HERMES. Your country? + +TRYGAEUS. Triple scoundrel. + +HERMES. Your father? + +TRYGAEUS. My father? Triple scoundrel. + +HERMES. By the Earth, you shall die, unless you tell me your name. + +TRYGAEUS. I am Trygaeus of the Athmonian deme, a good vine-dresser, +little addicted to quibbling and not at all an informer. + +HERMES. Why do you come? + +TRYGAEUS. I come to bring you this meat. + +HERMES. Ah! my good friend, did you have a good journey? + +TRYGAEUS. Glutton, be off! I no longer seem a triple scoundrel to you. +Come, call Zeus. + +HERMES. Ah! ah! you are a long way yet from reaching the gods, for they +moved yesterday. + +TRYGAEUS. To what part of the earth? + +HERMES. Eh! of the earth, did you say? + +TRYGAEUS. In short, where are they then? + +HERMES. Very far, very far, right at the furthest end of the dome of +heaven. + +TRYGAEUS. But why have they left you all alone here? + +HERMES. I am watching what remains of the furniture, the little pots and +pans, the bits of chairs and tables, and odd wine-jars. + +TRYGAEUS. And why have the gods moved away? + +HERMES. Because of their wrath against the Greeks. They have located War +in the house they occupied themselves and have given him full power to do +with you exactly as he pleases; then they went as high up as ever they +could, so as to see no more of your fights and to hear no more of your +prayers. + +TRYGAEUS. What reason have they for treating us so? + +HERMES. Because they have afforded you an opportunity for peace more than +once, but you have always preferred war. If the Laconians got the very +slightest advantage, they would exclaim, "By the Twin Brethren! the +Athenians shall smart for this." If, on the contrary, the latter +triumphed and the Laconians came with peace proposals, you would say, "By +Demeter, they want to deceive us. No, by Zeus, we will not hear a word; +they will always be coming as long as we hold Pylos."[274] + +TRYGAEUS. Yes, that is quite the style our folk do talk in. + +HERMES. So that I don't know whether you will ever see Peace again. + +TRYGAEUS. Why, where has she gone to then? + +HERMES. War has cast her into a deep pit. + +TRYGAEUS. Where? + +HERMES. Down there, at the very bottom. And you see what heaps of stones +he has piled over the top, so that you should never pull her out again. + +TRYGAEUS. Tell me, what is War preparing against us? + +HERMES. All I know is that last evening he brought along a huge mortar. + +TRYGAEUS. And what is he going to do with his mortar? + +HERMES. He wants to pound up all the cities of Greece in it.... But I +must say good-bye, for I think he is coming out; what an uproar he is +making! + +TRYGAEUS. Ah! great gods! let us seek safety; meseems I already hear the +noise of this fearful war mortar. + +WAR (_enters carrying a mortar_). Oh! mortals, mortals, wretched mortals, +how your jaws will snap! + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! divine Apollo! what a prodigious big mortar! Oh, what +misery the very sight of War causes me! This then is the foe from whom I +fly, who is so cruel, so formidable, so stalwart, so solid on his legs! + +WAR. Oh! Prasiae![275] thrice wretched, five times, aye, a thousand times +wretched! for thou shalt be destroyed this day. + +TRYGAEUS. This does not yet concern us over much; 'tis only so much the +worse for the Laconians. + +WAR. Oh! Megara! Megara! how utterly are you going to be ground up! what +fine mincemeat[276] are you to be made into! + +TRYGAEUS. Alas! alas! what bitter tears there will be among the +Megarians![277] + +WAR. Oh, Sicily! you too must perish! Your wretched towns shall be grated +like this cheese.[278] Now let us pour some Attic honey[279] into the +mortar. + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! I beseech you! use some other honey; this kind is worth +four obols; be careful, oh! be careful of our Attic honey. + +WAR. Hi! Tumult, you slave there! + +TUMULT. What do you want? + +WAR. Out upon you! You stand there with folded arms. Take this cuff o' +the head for your pains. + +TUMULT. Oh! how it stings! Master, have you got garlic in your fist, I +wonder? + +WAR. Run and fetch me a pestle. + +TUMULT. But we haven't got one; 'twas only yesterday we moved. + +WAR. Go and fetch me one from Athens, and hurry, hurry! + +TUMULT. Aye, I hasten there; if I return without one, I shall have no +cause for laughing. [_Exit._ + +TRYGAEUS. Ah! what is to become of us, wretched mortals that we are? See +the danger that threatens if he returns with the pestle, for War will +quietly amuse himself with pounding all the towns of Hellas to pieces. +Ah! Bacchus! cause this herald of evil to perish on his road! + +WAR. Well! + +TUMULT (_who has returned_). Well, what? + +WAR. You have brought back nothing? + +TUMULT. Alas! the Athenians have lost their pestle--the tanner, who +ground Greece to powder.[280] + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! Athené, venerable mistress! 'tis well for our city he is +dead, and before he could serve us with this hash. + +WAR. Then go and seek one at Sparta and have done with it! + +TUMULT. Aye, aye, master! + +WAR. Be back as quick as ever you can. + +TRYGAEUS (_to the audience_). What is going to happen, friends? 'Tis a +critical hour. Ah! if there is some initiate of Samothrace[281] among +you, 'tis surely the moment to wish this messenger some accident--some +sprain or strain. + +TUMULT (_who returns_). Alas! alas! thrice again, alas! + +WAR. What is it? Again you come back without it? + +TUMULT. The Spartans too have lost their pestle. + +WAR. How, varlet? + +TUMULT. They had lent it to their allies in Thrace,[282] who have lost it +for them. + +TRYGAEUS. Long life to you, Thracians! My hopes revive, pluck up courage, +mortals! + +WAR. Take all this stuff away; I am going in to make a pestle for myself. + +TRYGAEUS. 'Tis now the time to sing as Datis did, as he masturbated +himself at high noon, "Oh pleasure! oh enjoyment! oh delights!" 'Tis now, +oh Greeks! the moment when freed of quarrels and fighting, we should +rescue sweet Peace and draw her out of this pit, before some other pestle +prevents us. Come, labourers, merchants, workmen, artisans, strangers, +whether you be domiciled or not, islanders, come here, Greeks of all +countries, come hurrying here with picks and levers and ropes! 'Tis the +moment to drain a cup in honour of the Good Genius. + +CHORUS. Come hither, all! quick, quick, hasten to the rescue! All peoples +of Greece, now is the time or never, for you to help each other. You see +yourselves freed from battles and all their horrors of bloodshed. The +day, hateful to Lamachus,[283] has come. Come then, what must be done? +Give your orders, direct us, for I swear to work this day without +ceasing, until with the help of our levers and our engines we have drawn +back into light the greatest of all goddesses, her to whom the olive is +so dear. + +TRYGAEUS. Silence! if War should hear your shouts of joy he would bound +forth from his retreat in fury. + +CHORUS. Such a decree overwhelms us with joy; how different to the edict, +which bade us muster with provisions for three days.[284] + + +TRYGAEUS. Let us beware lest the cursed Cerberus[285] prevent us even +from the nethermost hell from delivering the goddess by his furious +howling, just as he did when on earth. + +CHORUS. Once we have hold of her, none in the world will be able to take +her from us. Huzza! huzza![286] + +TRYGAEUS. You will work my death if you don't subdue your shouts. War +will come running out and trample everything beneath his feet. + +CHORUS. Well then! _Let_ him confound, let him trample, let him overturn +everything! We cannot help giving vent to our joy. + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! cruel fate! My friends! in the name of the gods, what +possesses you? Your dancing will wreck the success of a fine undertaking. + +CHORUS. 'Tis not I who want to dance; 'tis my legs that bound with +delight. + +TRYGAEUS. Enough, an you love me, cease your gambols. + +CHORUS. There! Tis over. + +TRYGAEUS. You say so, and nevertheless you go on. + +CHORUS. Yet one more figure and 'tis done. + +TRYGAEUS. Well, just this one; then you must dance no more. + +CHORUS. No, no more dancing, if we can help you. + +TRYGAEUS. But look, you are not stopping even now. + +CHORUS. By Zeus, I am only throwing up my right leg, that's all. + +TRYGAEUS. Come, I grant you that, but pray, annoy me no further. + +CHORUS. Ah! the left leg too will have its fling; well, 'tis but its +right. I am so happy, so delighted at not having to carry my buckler any +more. I sing and I laugh more than if I had cast my old age, as a serpent +does its skin. + +TRYGAEUS. No, 'tis no time for joy yet, for you are not sure of success. +But when you have got the goddess, then rejoice, shout and laugh; +thenceforward you will be able to sail or stay at home, to make love or +sleep, to attend festivals and processions, to play at cottabos,[287] +live like true Sybarites and to shout, Io, io! + +CHORUS. Ah! God grant we may see the blessed day. I have suffered so +much; have so oft slept with Phormio[288] on hard beds. You will no +longer find me an acid, angry, hard judge as heretofore, but will find me +turned indulgent and grown younger by twenty years through happiness. We +have been killing ourselves long enough, tiring ourselves out with going +to the Lyceum[289] and returning laden with spear and buckler.--But what +can we do to please you? Come, speak; for 'tis a good Fate, that has +named you our leader. + +TRYGAEUS. How shall we set about removing these stones? + +HERMES. Rash reprobate, what do you propose doing? + +TRYGAEUS. Nothing bad, as Cillicon said.[290] + + +HERMES. You are undone, you wretch. + +TRYGAEUS. Yes, if the lot had to decide my life, for Hermes would know +how to turn the chance.[291] + +HERMES. You are lost, you are dead. + +TRYGAEUS. On what day? + +HERMES. This instant. + +TRYGAEUS. But I have not provided myself with flour and cheese yet[292] +to start for death. + +HERMES. You _are_ kneaded and ground already, I tell you.[293] + +TRYGAEUS. Hah! I have not yet tasted that gentle pleasure. + +HERMES. Don't you know that Zeus has decreed death for him who is +surprised exhuming Peace? + +TRYGAEUS. What! must I really and truly die? + +HERMES. You must. + +TRYGAEUS. Well then, lend me three drachmae to buy a young pig; I wish to +have myself initiated before I die.[294] + +HERMES. Oh! Zeus, the Thunderer![295] + +TRYGAEUS. I adjure you in the name of the gods, master, don't denounce +us! + +HERMES. I may not, I cannot keep silent. + +TRYGAEUS. In the name of the meats which I brought you so good-naturedly. + +HERMES. Why, wretched man, Zeus will annihilate me, if I do not shout out +at the top of my voice, to inform him what you are plotting. + +TRYGAEUS. Oh, no! don't shout, I beg you, dear little Hermes.... And what +are you doing, comrades? You stand there as though you were stocks and +stones. Wretched men, speak, entreat him at once; otherwise he will be +shouting. + +CHORUS. Oh! mighty Hermes! don't do it; no, don't do it! If ever you have +eaten some young pig, sacrificed by us on your altars, with pleasure, may +this offering not be without value in your sight to-day. + +TRYGAEUS. Do you not hear them wheedling you, mighty god? + +CHORUS. Be not pitiless toward our prayers; permit us to deliver the +goddess. Oh! the most human, the most generous of the gods, be favourable +toward us, if it be true that you detest the haughty crests and proud +brows of Pisander;[296] we shall never cease, oh master, offering you +sacred victims and solemn prayers. + +TRYGAEUS. Have mercy, mercy, let yourself be touched by their words; +never was your worship so dear to them as to-day. + +HERMES. I' truth, never have you been greater thieves.[297] + +TRYGAEUS. I will reveal a great, a terrible conspiracy against the gods +to you. + +HERMES. Hah! speak and perchance I shall let myself be softened. + +TRYGAEUS. Know then, that the Moon and that infamous Sun are plotting +against you, and want to deliver Greece into the hands of the Barbarians. + +HERMES. What for? + +TRYGAEUS. Because it is to you that we sacrifice, whereas the barbarians +worship them; hence they would like to see you destroyed, that they alone +might receive the offerings. + +HERMES. 'Tis then for this reason that these untrustworthy charioteers +have for so long been defrauding us, one of them robbing us of daylight +and the other nibbling away at the other's disk.[298] + +TRYGAEUS. Yes, certainly. So therefore, Hermes, my friend, help us with +your whole heart to find and deliver the captive and we will celebrate +the great Panathenaea[299] in your honour as well as all the festivals of +the other gods; for Hermes shall be the Mysteries, the Dipolia, the +Adonia; everywhere the towns, freed from their miseries, will sacrifice +to Hermes, the Liberator; you will be loaded with benefits of every kind, +and to start with, I offer you this cup for libations as your first +present. + +HERMES. Ah! how golden cups do influence me! Come, friends, get to work. +To the pit quickly, pick in hand and drag away the stones. + +CHORUS. We go, but you, the cleverest of all the gods, supervise our +labours; tell us, good workman as you are, what we must do; we shall obey +your orders with alacrity. + +TRYGAEUS. Quick, reach me your cup, and let us preface our work by +addressing prayers to the gods. + +HERMES. Oh! sacred, sacred libations! Keep silence, oh! ye people! keep +silence! + +TRYGAEUS. Let us offer our libations and our prayers, so that this day +may begin an era of unalloyed happiness for Greece and that he who has +bravely pulled at the rope with us may never resume his buckler. + +CHORUS. Aye, may we pass our lives in peace, caressing our mistresses and +poking the fire. + +TRYGAEUS. May he who would prefer the war, oh Dionysus, be ever drawing +barbed arrows out of his elbows. + +CHORUS. If there be a citizen, greedy for military rank and honours, who +refuses, oh, divine Peace! to restore you to daylight, may he behave as +cowardly as Cleonymus on the battlefield. + +TRYGAEUS. If a lance-maker or a dealer in shields desires war for the +sake of better trade, may he be taken by pirates and eat nothing but +barley. + +CHORUS. If some ambitious man does not help us, because he wants to +become a General, or if a slave is plotting to pass over to the enemy, +let his limbs be broken on the wheel, may he be beaten to death with +rods! As for us, may Fortune favour us! Io! Paean, Io! + +TRYGAEUS. Don't say Paean,[300] but simply, Io. + +CHORUS. Very well, then! Io! Io! I'll simply say, Io! + +TRYGAEUS. To Hermes, the Graces, Hora, Aphrodité, Eros! + +CHORUS. And not to Ares? + +TRYGAEUS. No. + +CHORUS. Nor doubtless to Enyalius? + +TRYGAEUS. No. + +CHORUS. Come, all strain at the ropes to tear away the stones. Pull! + +HERMES. Heave away, heave, heave, oh! + +CHORUS. Come, pull harder, harder. + +HERMES. Heave away, heave, heave, oh! + +CHORUS. Still harder, harder still. + +HERMES. Heave away, heave! Heave away, heave, heave, oh! + +TRYGAEUS. Come, come, there is no working together. Come! all pull at the +same instant! you Boeotians are only pretending. Beware! + +HERMES. Come, heave away, heave! + +CHORUS. Hi! you two pull as well. + +TRYGAEUS. Why, I am pulling, I am hanging on to the rope and straining +till I am almost off my feet; I am working with all my might. + +HERMES. Why does not the work advance then? + +TRYGAEUS. Lamachus, this is too bad! You are in the way, sitting there. +We have no use for your Medusa's head, friend.[301] + +HERMES. But hold, the Argives have not pulled the least bit; they have +done nothing but laugh at us for our pains while they were getting gain +with both hands.[302] + +TRYGAEUS. Ah! my dear sir, the Laconians at all events pull with vigour. + +CHORUS. But look! only those among them who generally hold the +plough-tail show any zeal,[303] while the armourers impede them in their +efforts. + +HERMES. And the Megarians too are doing nothing, yet look how they are +pulling and showing their teeth like famished curs; the poor wretches are +dying of hunger![304] + +TRYGAEUS. This won't do, friends. Come! all together! Everyone to the +work and with a good heart for the business. + +HERMES. Heave away, heave! + +TRYGAEUS. Harder! + +HERMES. Heave away, heave! + +TRYGAEUS. Come on then, by heaven. + +HERMES. Heave away, heave! Heave away, heave! + +CHORUS. This will never do. + +TRYGAEUS. Is it not a shame? some pull one way and others another. You, +Argives there, beware of a thrashing! + +HERMES. Come, put your strength into it. + +TRYGAEUS. Heave away, heave! + +CHORUS. There are many ill-disposed folk among us. + +TRYGAEUS. Do you at least, who long for peace, pull heartily. + +CHORUS. But there are some who prevent us. + +HERMES. Off to the Devil with you, Megarians! The goddess hates you. She +recollects that you were the first to rub her the wrong way. Athenians, +you are not well placed for pulling. There you are too busy with +law-suits; if you really want to free the goddess, get down a little +towards the sea.[305] + +CHORUS. Come, friends, none but husbandmen on the rope. + +HERMES. Ah! that will do ever so much better. + +CHORUS. He says the thing is going well. Come, all of you, together and +with a will. + +TRYGAEUS. 'Tis the husbandmen who are doing all the work. + +CHORUS. Come then, come, and all together! Hah! hah! at last there is +some unanimity in the work. Don't let us give up, let us redouble our +efforts. There! now we have it! Come then, all together! Heave away, +heave! Heave away, heave! Heave away, heave! Heave away, heave! Heave +away, heave! All together! (_Peace is drawn out of the pit._) + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! venerated goddess, who givest us our grapes, where am I to +find the ten-thousand-gallon words[306] wherewith to greet thee? I have +none such at home. Oh! hail to thee, Opora,[307] and thou, Theoria![308] +How beautiful is thy face! How sweet thy breath! What gentle fragrance +comes from thy bosom, gentle as freedom from military duty, as the most +dainty perfumes! + +HERMES. Is it then a smell like a soldier's knapsack? + +CHORUS. Oh! hateful soldier! your hideous satchel makes me sick! it +stinks like the belching of onions, whereas this lovable deity has the +odour of sweet fruits, of festivals, of the Dionysia, of the harmony of +flutes, of the comic poets, of the verses of Sophocles, of the phrases of +Euripides... + +TRYGAEUS. That's a foul calumny, you wretch! She detests that framer of +subtleties and quibbles. + +CHORUS. ... of ivy, of straining-bags for wine, of bleating ewes, of +provision-laden women hastening to the kitchen, of the tipsy servant +wench, of the upturned wine-jar, and of a whole heap of other good +things. + +HERMES. Then look how the reconciled towns chat pleasantly together, how +they laugh; and yet they are all cruelly mishandled; their wounds are +bleeding still. + +TRYGAEUS. But let us also scan the mien of the spectators; we shall thus +find out the trade of each. + +HERMES. Ah! good gods! look at that poor crest-maker, tearing at his +hair,[309] and at that pike-maker, who has just broken wind in yon +sword-cutler's face. + +TRYGAEUS. And do you see with what pleasure this sickle-maker is making +long noses at the spear-maker? + +HERMES. Now ask the husbandmen to be off. + +TRYGAEUS. Listen, good folk! Let the husbandmen take their farming tools +and return to their fields as quick as possible, but without either +sword, spear or javelin. All is as quiet as if Peace had been reigning +for a century. Come, let everyone go till the earth, singing the Paean. + +CHORUS. Oh, thou, whom men of standing desired and who art good to +husbandmen, I have gazed upon thee with delight; and now I go to greet my +vines, to caress after so long an absence the fig trees I planted in my +youth. + +TRYGAEUS. Friends, let us first adore the goddess, who has delivered us +from crests and Gorgons;[310] then let us hurry to our farms, having +first bought a nice little piece of salt fish to eat in the fields. + +HERMES. By Posidon! what a fine crew they make and dense as the crust of +a cake; they are as nimble as guests on their way to a feast. + +TRYGAEUS. See, how their iron spades glitter and how beautifully their +three-pronged mattocks glisten in the sun! How regularly they will align +the plants! I also burn myself to go into the country and to turn over +the earth I have so long neglected.--Friends, do you remember the happy +life that peace afforded us formerly; can you recall the splendid baskets +of figs, both fresh and dried, the myrtles, the sweet wine, the violets +blooming near the spring, and the olives, for which we have wept so much? +Worship, adore the goddess for restoring you so many blessings. + +CHORUS. Hail! hail! thou beloved divinity! thy return overwhelms us with +joy. When far from thee, my ardent wish to see my fields again made me +pine with regret. From thee came all blessings. Oh! much desired Peace! +thou art the sole support of those who spend their lives tilling the +earth. Under thy rule we had a thousand delicious enjoyments at our beck; +thou wert the husbandman's wheaten cake and his safeguard. So that our +vineyards, our young fig-tree woods and all our plantations hail thee +with delight and smile at thy coming. But where was she then, I wonder, +all the long time she spent away from us? Hermes, thou benevolent god, +tell us! + +HERMES. Wise husbandmen, hearken to my words, if you want to know why she +was lost to you. The start of our misfortunes was the exile of +Phidias;[311] Pericles feared he might share his ill-luck, he mistrusted +your peevish nature and, to prevent all danger to himself, he threw out +that little spark, the Megarian decree,[312] set the city aflame, and +blew up the conflagration with a hurricane of war, so that the smoke drew +tears from all Greeks both here and over there. At the very outset of +this fire our vines were a-crackle, our casks knocked together;[313] it +was beyond the power of any man to stop the disaster, and Peace +disappeared. + +TRYGAEUS. That, by Apollo! is what no one ever told me; I could not think +what connection there could be between Phidias and Peace. + +CHORUS. Nor I; I know it now. This accounts for her beauty, if she is +related to him. There are so many things that escape us. + +HERMES. Then, when the towns subject to you saw that you were angered one +against the other and were showing each other your teeth like dogs, they +hatched a thousand plots to pay you no more dues and gained over the +chief citizens of Sparta at the price of gold. They, being as shamelessly +greedy as they were faithless in diplomacy, chased off Peace with +ignominy to let loose War. Though this was profitable to them, 'twas the +ruin of the husbandmen, who were innocent of all blame; for, in revenge, +your galleys went out to devour their figs. + +TRYGAEUS. And 'twas with justice too; did they not break down my black +fig tree, which I had planted and dunged with my own hands? + +CHORUS. Yes, by Zeus! yes, 'twas well done; the wretches broke a chest +for me with stones, which held six medimni of corn. + +HERMES. Then the rural labourers flocked into the city[314] and let +themselves be bought over like the others. Not having even a grape-stone +to munch and longing after their figs, they looked towards the +orators.[315] These well knew that the poor were driven to extremity and +lacked even bread; but they nevertheless drove away the Goddess each time +she reappeared in answer to the wish of the country with their loud +shrieks, that were as sharp as pitchforks; furthermore, they attacked the +well-filled purses of the richest among our allies on the pretence that +they belonged to Brasidas' party.[316] And then you would tear the poor +accused wretch to pieces with your teeth; for the city, all pale with +hunger and cowed with terror, gladly snapped up any calumny that was +thrown it to devour. So the strangers, seeing what terrible blows the +informers dealt, sealed their lips with gold. They grew rich, while you, +alas! you could only see that Greece was going to ruin. 'Twas the tanner +who was the author of all this woe.[317] + +TRYGAEUS. Enough said, Hermes, leave that man in Hades, whither he has +gone; he no longer belongs to us, but rather to yourself.[318] That he +was a cheat, a braggart, a calumniator when alive, why, nothing could be +truer; but anything you might say now would be an insult to one of your +own folk. Oh! venerated Goddess! why art thou silent? + +HERMES. And how could she speak to the spectators? She is too angry at +all that they have made her suffer. + +TRYGAEUS. At least let her speak a little to you, Hermes. + +HERMES. Tell me, my dear, what are your feelings with regard to them? +Come, you relentless foe of all bucklers, speak; I am listening to you. +(_Peace whispers into Hermes' ear._) Is that your grievance against them? +Yes, yes, I understand. Hearken, you folk, this is her complaint. She +says, that after the affair of Pylos[319] she came to you unbidden to +bring you a basket full of truces and that you thrice repulsed her by +your votes in the assembly. + +TRYGAEUS. Yes, we did wrong, but forgive us, for our mind was then +entirely absorbed in leather.[320] + +HERMES. Listen again to what she has just asked me. Who was her greatest +foe here? and furthermore, had she a friend who exerted himself to put an +end to the fighting? + +TRYGAEUS. Her most devoted friend was Cleonymus; it is undisputed. + +HERMES. How then did Cleonymus behave in fights? + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! the bravest of warriors! Only he was not born of the father +he claims; he showed it quick enough in the army by throwing away his +weapons.[321] + +HERMES. There is yet another question she has just put to me. Who rules +now in the rostrum? + +TRYGAEUS. 'Tis Hyperbolus, who now holds empire on the Pnyx. (_To +Peace._) What now? you turn away your head! + +HERMES. She is vexed, that the people should give themselves a wretch of +that kind for their chief. + +TRYGAEUS Oh! we shall not employ him again; but the people, seeing +themselves without a leader, took him haphazard, just as a man, who is +naked, springs upon the first cloak he sees. + +HERMES. She asks, what will be the result of such a choice of the city? + +TRYGAEUS. We shall be more far-seeing in consequence. + +HERMES. And why? + +TRYGAEUS. Because he is a lamp-maker. Formerly we only directed our +business by groping in the dark; now we shall only deliberate by +lamplight. + +HERMES. Oh! oh! what questions she does order me to put to you! + +TRYGAEUS. What are they? + +HERMES. She wants to have news of a whole heap of old-fashioned things +she left here. First of all, how is Sophocles? + +TRYGAEUS. Very well; but something very strange has happened to him. + +HERMES. What then? + +TRYGAEUS. He has turned from Sophocles into Simonides.[322] + +HERMES. Into Simonides? How so? + +TRYGAEUS. Because, though old and broken-down as he is, he would put to +sea on a hurdle to gain an obolus.[323] + +HERMES. And wise Cratinus, is he still alive?[324] + +TRYGAEUS. He died about the time of the Laconian invasion. + +HERMES. How? + +TRYGAEUS. Of a swoon. He could not bear the shock of seeing one of his +casks full of wine broken. Ah! what a number of other misfortunes our +city has suffered! So, dearest mistress, nothing can now separate us from +thee. + +HERMES. If that be so, receive Opora here for a wife; take her to the +country, live with her, and grow fine grapes together.[325] + +TRYGAEUS. Come, my dear friend, come and accept my kisses. Tell me, +Hermes, my master, do you think it would hurt me to fuck her a little, +after so long an abstinence? + +HERMES. No, not if you swallow a potion of penny-royal afterwards.[326] +But hasten to lead Theoria[327] to the Senate; 'twas there she lodged +before. + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! fortunate Senate! Thanks to Theoria, what soups you will +swallow for the space of three days![328] how you will devour meats and +cooked tripe! Come, farewell, friend Hermes! + +HERMES. And to you also, my dear sir, may you have much happiness, and +don't forget me. + +TRYGAEUS. Come, beetle, home, home, and let us fly on a swift wing. + +HERMES. Oh! he is no longer here. + +TRYGAEUS. Where has he gone to then? + +HERMES. He is harnessed to the chariot of Zeus and bears the +thunderbolts. + +TRYGAEUS. But where will the poor wretch get his food? + +HERMES. He will eat Ganymede's ambrosia. + +TRYGAEUS. Very well then, but how am I going to descend? + +HERMES. Oh! never fear, there is nothing simpler; place yourself beside +the goddess. + +TRYGAEUS. Come, my pretty maidens, follow me quickly; there are plenty of +folk awaiting you with standing tools. + +CHORUS. Farewell and good luck be yours! Let us begin by handing over all +this gear to the care of our servants, for no place is less safe than a +theatre; there is always a crowd of thieves prowling around it, seeking +to find some mischief to do. Come, keep a good watch over all this. As +for ourselves, let us explain to the spectators what we have in our +minds, the purpose of our play. + +Undoubtedly the comic poet who mounted the stage to praise himself in the +parabasis would deserve to be handed over to the sticks of the beadles. +Nevertheless, oh Muse, if it be right to esteem the most honest and +illustrious of our comic writers at his proper value, permit our poet to +say that he thinks he has deserved a glorious renown. First of all, 'tis +he who has compelled his rivals no longer to scoff at rags or to war with +lice; and as for those Heracles, always chewing and ever hungry, those +poltroons and cheats who allow themselves to be beaten at will, he was +the first to cover them with ridicule and to chase them from the +stage;[329] he has also dismissed that slave, whom one never failed to +set a-weeping before you, so that his comrade might have the chance of +jeering at his stripes and might ask, "Wretch, what has happened to your +hide? Has the lash rained an army of its thongs on you and laid your back +waste?" After having delivered us from all these wearisome ineptitudes +and these low buffooneries, he has built up for us a great art, like a +palace with high towers, constructed of fine phrases, great thoughts and +of jokes not common on the streets. Moreover 'tis not obscure private +persons or women that he stages in his comedies; but, bold as Heracles, +'tis the very greatest whom he attacks, undeterred by the fetid stink of +leather or the threats of hearts of mud. He has the right to say, "I am +the first ever dared to go straight for that beast with the sharp teeth +and the terrible eyes that flashed lambent fire like those of Cynna,[330] +surrounded by a hundred lewd flatterers, who spittle-licked him to his +heart's content; it had a voice like a roaring torrent, the stench of a +seal, a foul Lamia's testicles and the rump of a camel."[331] + +I did not recoil in horror at the sight of such a monster, but fought him +relentlessly to win your deliverance and that of the Islanders. Such are +the services which should be graven in your recollection and entitle me +to your thanks. Yet I have not been seen frequenting the wrestling school +intoxicated with success and trying to tamper with young boys;[332] but I +took all my theatrical gear[333] and returned straight home. I pained +folk but little and caused them much amusement; my conscience rebuked me +for nothing. Hence both grown men and youths should be on my side and I +likewise invite the bald[334] to give me their votes; for, if I triumph, +everyone will say, both at table and at festivals, "Carry this to the +bald man, give these cakes to the bald one, do not grudge the poet whose +talent shines as bright as his own bare skull the share he deserves." + +Oh, Muse! drive the War far from our city and come to preside over our +dances, if you love me; come and celebrate the nuptials of the gods, the +banquets of us mortals and the festivals of the fortunate; these are the +themes that inspire thy most poetic songs. And should Carcinus come to +beg thee for admission with his sons to thy chorus, refuse all traffic +with them; remember they are but gelded birds, stork-necked dancers, +mannikins about as tall as a pat of goat's dung, in fact machine-made +poets.[335] Contrary to all expectation, the father has at last managed +to finish a piece, but he owns himself a cat strangled it one fine +evening.[336] + +Such are the songs[337] with which the Muse with the glorious hair +inspires the able poet and which enchant the assembled populace, when the +spring swallow twitters beneath the foliage;[338] but the god spare us +from the chorus of Morsimus and that of Melanthius![339] Oh! what a +bitter discordancy grated upon my ears that day when the tragic chorus +was directed by this same Melanthius and his brother, these two +Gorgons,[340] these two harpies, the plague of the seas, whose gluttonous +bellies devour the entire race of fishes, these followers of old women, +these goats with their stinking arm-pits. Oh! Muse, spit upon them +abundantly and keep the feast gaily with me. + +TRYGAEUS. Ah! 'tis a rough job getting to the gods! my legs are as good +as broken through it. How small you were, to be sure, when seen from +heaven! you had all the appearance too of being great rascals; but seen +close, you look even worse. + +SERVANT. Is that you, master? + +TRYGAEUS. So I have been told. + +SERVANT. What has happened to you? + +TRYGAEUS. My legs pain me; it is such a plaguey long journey. + +SERVANT. Oh! do tell me.... + +TRYGAEUS. What? + +SERVANT. Did you see any other man besides yourself strolling about in +heaven? + +TRYGAEUS. No, only the souls of two or three dithyrambic poets. + +SERVANT. What were they doing up there? + +TRYGAEUS. They were seeking to catch some lyric exordia as they flew by +immersed in the billows of the air. + +SERVANT. Is it true, what they tell us, that men are turned into stars +after death? + +TRYGAEUS. Quite true. + +SERVANT. Then who is that star I see over yonder? + +TRYGAEUS. That is Ion of Chios,[341] the author of an ode beginning +"Morning"; as soon as ever he got to heaven, they called him "the Morning +Star." + +SERVANT. And those stars like sparks, that plough up the air as they dart +across the sky?[342] + +TRYGAEUS. They are the rich leaving the feast with a lantern and a light +inside it. But hurry up, show this young girl into my house, clean out +the bath, heat some water and prepare the nuptial couch for herself and +me. When 'tis done, come back here; meanwhile I am off to present this +one to the Senate. + +SERVANT. But where then did you get these pretty chattels? + +TRYGAEUS. Where? why in heaven. + +SERVANT. I would not give more than an obolus for gods who have got to +keeping brothels like us mere mortals. + +TRYGAEUS. They are not all so, but there are some up there too who live +by this trade. + +SERVANT. Come, that's rich! But I bethink me, shall I give her something +to eat? + +TRYGAEUS. No, for she would neither touch bread nor cake; she is used to +licking ambrosia at the table of the gods. + +SERVANT. Well, we can give her something to lick down here too.[343] + +CHORUS. Here is a truly happy old man, as far as I can judge. + +TRYGAEUS. Ah! but what shall I be, when you see me presently dressed for +the wedding? + +CHORUS. Made young again by love and scented with perfumes, your lot will +be one we all shall envy. + +TRYGAEUS. And when I lie beside her and caress her bosoms? + +CHORUS. Oh! then you will be happier than those spinning-tops who call +Carcinus their father.[344] + +TRYGAEUS. And I well deserve it; have I not bestridden a beetle to save +the Greeks, who now, thanks to me, can make love at their ease and sleep +peacefully on their farms? + +SERVANT. The girl has quitted the bath; she is charming from head to +foot, both belly and buttocks; the cake is baked and they are kneading +the sesame-biscuit;[345] nothing is lacking but the bridegroom's penis. + +TRYGAEUS. Let us first hasten to lodge Theoria in the hands of the +Senate. + +SERVANT. But tell me, who is this woman? + +TRYGAEUS. Why, 'tis Theoria, with whom we used formerly to go to +Brauron,[346] to get tipsy and frolic. I had the greatest trouble to get +hold of her. + +SERVANT. Ah! you charmer! what pleasure your pretty bottom will afford me +every four years! + +TRYGAEUS. Let us see, who of you is steady enough to be trusted by the +Senate with the care of this charming wench? Hi! you, friend! what are +you drawing there? + +SERVANT. I am drawing the plan of the tent I wish to erect for myself on +the isthmus.[347] + +TRYGAEUS. Come, who wishes to take the charge of her? No one? Come, +Theoria, I am going to lead you into the midst of the spectators and +confide you to their care. + +SERVANT. Ah! there is one who makes a sign to you. + +TRYGAEUS. Who is it? + +SERVANT. 'Tis Ariphrades. He wishes to take her home at once. + +TRYGAEUS. No, I'm sure he shan't. He would soon have her done for, +licking up all her life juice.[348] Come, Theoria, put down all this +gear.[349]--Senate, Prytanes, look upon Theoria and see what precious +blessings I place in your hands.[350] Hasten to raise its limbs and to +immolate the victim. Admire the fine chimney,[351] it is quite black with +smoke, for 'twas here that the Senate did their cooking before the War. +Now that you have found Theoria again, you can start the most charming +games from to-morrow, wrestling with her on the ground, either on your +hands and feet, or you can lay her on her side, or stand before her with +bent knees, or, well rubbed with oil, you can boldly enter the lists, as +in the Pancratium, belabouring your foe with blows from your fist or +otherwise.[352] The next day you will celebrate equestrian games, in +which the riders will ride side by side, or else the chariot teams, +thrown one on top of another, panting and whinnying, will roll and knock +against each other on the ground, while other rivals, thrown out of their +seats, will fall before reaching the goal, utterly exhausted by their +efforts.--Come, Prytanes, take Theoria. Oh! look how graciously yonder +fellow has received her; you would not have been in such a hurry to +introduce her to the Senate, if nothing were coming to you through +it;[353] you would not have failed to plead some holiday as an excuse. + +CHORUS. Such a man as you assures the happiness of all his +fellow-citizens. + +TRYGAEUS. When you are gathering your vintages you will prize me even +better. + +CHORUS. E'en from to-day we hail you as the deliverer of mankind. + +TRYGAEUS. Wait until you have drunk a beaker of new wine, before you +appraise my true merits. + +CHORUS. Excepting the gods, there is none greater than yourself, and that +will ever be our opinion. + +TRYGAEUS. Yea, Trygaeus of Athmonia has deserved well of you, he has +freed both husbandman and craftsman from the most cruel ills; he has +vanquished Hyperbolus. + +CHORUS. Well then, what must we do now? + +TRYGAEUS. You must offer pots of green-stuff to the goddess to consecrate +her altars. + +CHORUS. Pots of green-stuff[354] as we do to poor Hermes--and even he +thinks the fare but mean? + +TRYGAEUS. What will you offer then? A fatted bull? + +CHORUS. Oh, no! I don't want to start bellowing the battle-cry.[355] + +TRYGAEUS. A great fat swine then? + +CHORUS. No, no. + +TRYGAEUS. Why not? + +CHORUS. We don't want any of the swinishness of Theagenes.[356] + +TRYGAEUS. What other victim do you prefer then? + +CHORUS. A sheep. + +TRYGAEUS. A sheep? + +CHORUS. Yes. + +TRYGAEUS. But you must give the word the Ionic form. + +CHORUS. Purposely. So that if anyone in the assembly says, "We must go to +war," all may start bleating in alarm, "Oï, oï."[357] + +TRYGAEUS. A brilliant idea. + +CHORUS. And we shall all be lambs one toward the other, yea, and milder +still toward the allies. + +TRYGAEUS. Then go for the sheep and haste to bring it back with you; I +will prepare the altar for the sacrifice. + +CHORUS. How everything succeeds to our wish, when the gods are willing +and Fortune favours us! how opportunely everything falls out. + +TRYGAEUS. Nothing could be truer, for look! here stands the altar all +ready at my door. + +CHORUS. Hurry, hurry, for the winds are fickle; make haste, while the +divine will is set on stopping this cruel war and is showering on us the +most striking benefits. + +TRYGAEUS. Here is the basket of barley-seed mingled with salt, the +chaplet and the sacred knife; and there is the fire; so we are only +waiting for the sheep. + +CHORUS. Hasten, hasten, for, if Chaeris sees you, he will come without +bidding, he and his flute; and when you see him puffing and panting and +out of breath, you will have to give him something. + +TRYGAEUS. Come, seize the basket and take the lustral water and hurry to +circle round the altar to the right. + +SERVANT. There! 'tis done. What is your next bidding? + +TRYGAEUS. Hold! I take this fire-brand first and plunge it into the +water. + +SERVANT. Be quick! be quick! Sprinkle the altar. + +TRYGAEUS. Give me some barley-seed, purify yourself and hand me the +basin; then scatter the rest of the barley among the audience. + +SERVANT. 'Tis done. + +TRYGAEUS. You have thrown it? + +SERVANT. Yes, by Hermes! and all the spectators have had their share. + +TRYGAEUS. But not the women? + +SERVANT. Oh! their husbands will give it them this evening.[358] + +TRYGAEUS. Let us pray! Who is here? Are there any good men?[359] + +SERVANT. Come, give, so that I may sprinkle these. Faith! they are indeed +good, brave men. + +TRYGAEUS. You believe so? + +SERVANT. I am sure, and the proof of it is that we have flooded them with +lustral water and they have not budged an inch.[360] + +TRYGAEUS. Come then, to prayers; to prayers, quick!--Oh! Peace, mighty +queen, venerated goddess, thou, who presidest over choruses and at +nuptials, deign to accept the sacrifices we offer thee. + +SERVANT. Receive it, greatly honoured mistress, and behave not like the +coquettes, who half open the door to entice the gallants, draw back when +they are stared at, to return once more if a man passes on. But do not +act like this to us. + +TRYGAEUS. No, but like an honest woman, show thyself to thy worshippers, +who are worn with regretting thee all these thirteen years. Hush the +noise of battle, be a true Lysimacha to us.[361] Put an end to this +tittle-tattle, to this idle babble, that set us defying one another. +Cause the Greeks once more to taste the pleasant beverage of friendship +and temper all hearts with the gentle feeling of forgiveness. Make +excellent commodities flow to our markets, fine heads of garlic, early +cucumbers, apples, pomegranates and nice little cloaks for the slaves; +make them bring geese, ducks, pigeons and larks from Boeotia and baskets +of eels from Lake Copaïs; we shall all rush to buy them, disputing their +possession with Morychus, Teleas, Glaucetes and every other glutton. +Melanthius[362] will arrive on the market last of all; 'twill be, "no +more eels, all sold!" and then he'll start a-groaning and exclaiming as +in his monologue of Medea,[363] "I am dying, I am dying! Alas! I have let +those hidden in the beet escape me!"[364] And won't we laugh? These are +the wishes, mighty goddess, which we pray thee to grant. + +SERVANT. Take the knife and slaughter the sheep like a finished cook. + +TRYGAEUS. No, the goddess does not wish it.[365] + +SERVANT. And why not? + +TRYGAEUS. Blood cannot please Peace, so let us spill none upon her altar. +Therefore go and sacrifice the sheep in the house, cut off the legs and +bring them here; thus the carcase will be saved for the choragus. + +CHORUS. You, who remain here, get chopped wood and everything needed for +the sacrifice ready. + +TRYGAEUS. Don't I look like a diviner preparing his mystic fire? + +CHORUS. Undoubtedly. Will anything that it behoves a wise man to know +escape you? Don't you know all that a man should know, who is +distinguished for his wisdom and inventive daring? + +TRYGAEUS. There! the wood catches. Its smoke blinds poor Stilbides.[366] +I am now going to bring the table and thus be my own slave. + +CHORUS. You have braved a thousand dangers to save your sacred town. All +honour to you! your glory will be ever envied. + +SERVANT. Hold! here are the legs, place them upon the altar. For myself, +I mean to go back to the entrails and the cakes. + +TRYGAEUS. I'll see to those; I want you here. + +SERVANT. Well then, here I am. Do you think I have been long? + +TRYGAEUS. Just get this roasted. Ah! who is this man, crowned with +laurel, who is coming to me? + +SERVANT. He has a self-important look; is he some diviner? + +TRYGAEUS. No, i' faith! 'tis Hierocles. + +SERVANT. Ah! that oracle-monger from Oreus.[367] What is he going to tell +us? + +TRYGAEUS. Evidently he is coming to oppose the peace. + +SERVANT. No, 'tis the odour of the fat that attracts him. + +TRYGAEUS. Let us appear not to see him. + +SERVANT. Very well. + +HIEROCLES. What sacrifice is this? to what god are you offering it? + +TRYGAEUS (_to the servant_). Silence!--(_Aloud._) Look after the roasting +and keep your hands off the meat. + +HIEROCLES. To whom are you sacrificing? Answer me. Ah! the tail[368] is +showing favourable omens. + +SERVANT. Aye, very favourable, oh, loved and mighty Peace! + +HIEROCLES. Come, cut off the first offering[369] and make the oblation. + +TRYGAEUS. 'Tis not roasted enough. + +HIEROCLES. Yea, truly, 'tis done to a turn. + +TRYGAEUS. Mind your own business, friend! (_To the servant._) Cut away. +Where is the table? Bring the libations. + +HIEROCLES. The tongue is cut separately. + +TRYGAEUS. We know all that. But just listen to one piece of advice. + +HIEROCLES. And that is? + +TRYGAEUS. Don't talk, for 'tis divine Peace to whom we are sacrificing. + +HIEROCLES. Oh! wretched mortals, oh, you idiots! + +TRYGAEUS. Keep such ugly terms for yourself. + +HIEROCLES. What! you are so ignorant you don't understand the will of the +gods and you make a treaty, you, who are men, with apes, who are full of +malice![370] + +TRYGAEUS. Ha, ha, ha! + +HIEROCLES. What are you laughing at? + +TRYGAEUS. Ha, ha! your apes amuse me! + +HIEROCLES. You simple pigeons, you trust yourselves to foxes, who are all +craft, both in mind and heart. + +TRYGAEUS. Oh, you trouble-maker! may your lungs get as hot as this meat! + +HIEROCLES. Nay, nay! if only the Nymphs had not fooled Bacis, and Bacis +mortal men; and if the Nymphs had not tricked Bacis a second +time[371].... + +TRYGAEUS. May the plague seize you, if you won't stop wearying us with +your Bacis! + +HIEROCLES. ... it would not have been written in the book of Fate that +the bonds of Peace must be broken; but first.... + +TRYGAEUS. The meat must be dusted with salt. + +HIEROCLES. ... it does not please the blessed gods that we should stop +the War until the wolf uniteth with the sheep. + +TRYGAEUS. How, you cursed animal, could the wolf ever unite with the +sheep? + +HIEROCLES. As long as the wood-bug gives off a fetid odour, when it +flies; as long as the noisy bitch is forced by nature to litter blind +pups, so long shall peace be forbidden. + +TRYGAEUS. Then what should be done? Not to stop the War would be to leave +it to the decision of chance which of the two people should suffer the +most, whereas by uniting under a treaty, we share the empire of Greece. + +HIEROCLES. You will never make the crab walk straight. + +TRYGAEUS. You shall no longer be fed at the Prytaneum; the war done, +oracles are not wanted. + +HIEROCLES. You will never smooth the rough spikes of the hedgehog. + +TRYGAEUS. Will you never stop fooling the Athenians? + +HIEROCLES. What oracle ordered you to burn these joints of mutton in +honour of the gods? + +TRYGAEUS. This grand oracle of Homer's: "Thus vanished the dark +war-clouds and we offered a sacrifice to new-born Peace. When the flame +had consumed the thighs of the victim and its inwards had appeased our +hunger, we poured out the libations of wine." 'Twas I who arranged the +sacred rites, but none offered the shining cup to the diviner.[372] + +HIEROCLES. I care little for that. 'Tis not the Sibyl who spoke it.[373] + +TRYGAEUS. Wise Homer has also said: "He who delights in the horrors of +civil war has neither country nor laws nor home." What noble words! + +HIEROCLES. Beware lest the kite turn your brain and rob.... + +TRYGAEUS. Look out, slave! This oracle threatens our meat. Quick, pour +the libation, and give me some of the inwards. + +HIEROCLES. I too will help myself to a bit, if you like. + +TRYGAEUS. The libation! the libation! + +HIEROCLES. Pour out also for me and give me some of this meat. + +TRYGAEUS. No, the blessed gods won't allow it yet; let us drink; and as +for you, get you gone, for 'tis their will. Mighty Peace! stay ever in +our midst. + +HIEROCLES. Bring the tongue hither. + +TRYGAEUS. Relieve us of your own. + +HIEROCLES. The libation. + +TRYGAEUS. Here! and this into the bargain (_strikes him_). + +HIEROCLES. You will not give me any meat? + +TRYGAEUS. We cannot give you any until the wolf unites with the sheep. + +HIEROCLES. I will embrace your knees. + +TRYGAEUS. 'Tis lost labour, good fellow; you will never smooth the rough +spikes of the hedgehog.... Come, spectators, join us in our feast. + +HIEROCLES. And what am I to do? + +TRYGAEUS. You? go and eat the Sibyl. + +HIEROCLES. No, by the Earth! no, you shall not eat without me; if you do +not give, I take; 'tis common property. + +TRYGAEUS (_to the servant_). Strike, strike this Bacis, this humbugging +soothsayer. + +HIEROCLES. I take to witness.... + +TRYGAEUS. And I also, that you are a glutton and an impostor. Hold him +tight and beat the impostor with a stick. + +SERVANT. You look to that; I will snatch the skin from him, which he has +stolen from us.[374] Are you going to let go that skin, you priest from +hell! do you hear! Oh! what a fine crow has come from Oreus! Stretch your +wings quickly for Elymnium.[375] + +CHORUS. Oh! joy, joy! no more helmet, no more cheese nor onions![376] No, +I have no passion for battles; what I love, is to drink with good +comrades in the corner by the fire when good dry wood, cut in the height +of the summer, is crackling; it is to cook pease on the coals and +beechnuts among the embers; 'tis to kiss our pretty Thracian[377] while +my wife is at the bath. Nothing is more pleasing, when the rain is +sprouting our sowings, than to chat with some friend, saying, "Tell me, +Comarchides, what shall we do? I would willingly drink myself, while the +heavens are watering our fields. Come, wife, cook three measures of +beans, adding to them a little wheat, and give us some figs. Syra! call +Manes off the fields, 'tis impossible to prune the vine or to align the +ridges, for the ground is too wet to-day. Let someone bring me the thrush +and those two chaffinches; there were also some curds and four pieces of +hare, unless the cat stole them last evening, for I know not what the +infernal noise was that I heard in the house. Serve up three of the +pieces for me, slave, and give the fourth to my father. Go and ask +Aeschinades for some myrtle branches with berries on them, and then, for +'tis the same road, you will invite Charinades to come and drink with me +to the honour of the gods who watch over our crops." + +When the grasshopper sings its dulcet tune, I love to see the Lemnian +vines beginning to ripen, for 'tis the earliest plant of all. I love +likewise to watch the fig filling out, and when it has reached maturity I +eat with appreciation and exclaim, "Oh! delightful season!" Then too I +bruise some thyme and infuse it in water. Indeed I grow a great deal +fatter passing the summer this way than in watching a cursed captain with +his three plumes and his military cloak of a startling crimson (he calls +it true Sardian purple), which he takes care to dye himself with Cyzicus +saffron in a battle; then he is the first to run away, shaking his plumes +like a great yellow prancing cock,[378] while I am left to watch the +nets.[379] Once back again in Athens, these brave fellows behave +abominably; they write down these, they scratch through others, and this +backwards and forwards two or three times at random. The departure is set +for to-morrow, and some citizen has brought no provisions, because he +didn't know he had to go; he stops in front of the statue of +Pandion,[380] reads his name, is dumbfounded and starts away at a run, +weeping bitter tears. The townsfolk are less ill-used, but that is how +the husbandmen are treated by these men of war, the hated of the gods and +of men, who know nothing but how to throw away their shield. For this +reason, if it please heaven, I propose to call these rascals to account, +for they are lions in times of peace, but sneaking foxes when it comes to +fighting. + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! oh! what a crowd for the nuptial feast! Here! dust the +tables with this crest, which is good for nothing else now. Halloa! +produce the cakes, the thrushes, plenty of good jugged hare and the +little loaves. + +A SICKLE-MAKER. Trygaeus, where is Trygaeus? + +TRYGAEUS. I am cooking the thrushes. + +SICKLE-MAKER. Trygaeus, my best of friends, what a fine stroke of +business you have done for me by bringing back Peace! Formerly my sickles +would not have sold at an obolus apiece, to-day I am being paid fifty +drachmas for every one. And here is a neighbour who is selling his casks +for the country at three drachmae each. So come, Trygaeus, take as many +sickles and casks as you will for nothing. Accept them for nothing; 'tis +because of our handsome profits on our sales that we offer you these +wedding presents. + +TRYGAEUS. Thanks. Put them all down inside there, and come along quick to +the banquet. Ah! do you see that armourer yonder coming with a wry face? + +A CREST-MAKER. Alas! alas! Trygaeus, you have ruined me utterly. + +TRYGAEUS. What! won't the crests go any more, friend? + +CREST-MAKER. You have killed my business, my livelihood, and that of this +poor lance-maker too. + +TRYGAEUS. Come, come, what are you asking for these two crests? + +CREST-MAKER. What do you bid for them? + +TRYGAEUS. What do I bid? Oh! I am ashamed to say. Still, as the clasp is +of good workmanship, I would give two, even three measures of dried figs; +I could use 'em for dusting the table. + +CREST-MAKER. All right, tell them to bring me the dried figs; 'tis always +better than nothing. + +TRYGAEUS. Take them away, be off with your crests and get you gone; they +are moulting, they are losing all their hair; I would not give a single +fig for them. + +A BREASTPLATE-MAKER. Good gods, what am I going to do with this fine +ten-minae breast-plate, which is so splendidly made? + +TRYGAEUS. Oh, you will lose nothing over it. + +BREASTPLATE-MAKER. I will sell it you at cost price. + +TRYGAEUS. 'Twould be very useful as a night-stool.... + +BREASTPLATE-MAKER. Cease your insults, both to me and my wares. + +TRYGAEUS. ... if propped on three stones. Look, 'tis admirable. + +BREASTPLATE-MAKER. But how can you wipe, idiot? + +TRYGAEUS. I can pass one hand through here, and the other there, and +so.... + +BREASTPLATE-MAKER. What! do you wipe with both hands? + +TRYGAEUS. Aye, so that I may not be accused of robbing the State, by +blocking up an oar-hole in the galley.[381] + +BREASTPLATE-MAKER. So you would pay ten minae[382] for a night-stool? + +TRYGAEUS. Undoubtedly, you rascal. Do you think I would sell my rump for +a thousand drachmae?[383] + +BREASTPLATE-MAKER. Come, have the money paid over to me. + +TRYGAEUS. No, friend; I find it hurts me to sit on. Take it away, I won't +buy. + +A TRUMPET-MAKER. What is to be done with this trumpet, for which I gave +sixty drachmae the other day? + +TRYGAEUS. Pour lead into the hollow and fit a good, long stick to the +top; and you will have a balanced cottabos.[384] + +TRUMPET-MAKER. Ha! would you mock me? + +TRYGAEUS. Well, here's another notion. Pour in lead as I said, add here a +dish hung on strings, and you will have a balance for weighing the figs +which you give your slaves in the fields. + +A HELMET-MAKER. Cursed fate! I am ruined. Here are helmets, for which I +gave a mina each. What am I to do with them? who will buy them? + +TRYGAEUS. Go and sell them to the Egyptians; they will do for measuring +loosening medicines.[385] + +A SPEAR-MAKER. Ah! poor helmet-maker, things are indeed in a bad way. + +TRYGAEUS. That man has no cause for complaint. + +SPEAR-MAKER. But helmets will be no more used. + +TRYGAEUS. Let him learn to fit a handle to them and he can sell them for +more money.[386] + +SPEAR-MAKER. Let us be off, comrade. + +TRYGAEUS. No, I want to buy these spears. + +SPEAR-MAKER. What will you give? + +TRYGAEUS. If they could be split in two, I would take them at a drachma +per hundred to use as vine-props. + +SPEAR-MAKER. The insolent dog! Let us go, friend. + +TRYGAEUS. Ah! here come the guests, children from the table to relieve +themselves; I fancy they also want to hum over what they will be singing +presently. Hi! child! what do you reckon to sing? Stand there and give me +the opening line. + +THE SON OF LAMACHUS. "Glory to the young warriors...." + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! leave off about your young warriors, you little wretch; we +are at peace and you are an idiot and a rascal. + +SON OF LAMACHUS. "The skirmish begins, the hollow bucklers clash against +each other."[387] + +TRYGAEUS. Bucklers! Leave me in peace with your bucklers. + +SON OF LAMACHUS. "And then there came groanings and shouts of victory." + +TRYGAEUS. Groanings! ah! by Bacchus! look out for yourself, you cursed +squaller, if you start wearying us again with your groanings and hollow +bucklers. + +SON OF LAMACHUS. Then what should I sing? Tell me what pleases you. + +TRYGAEUS. "'Tis thus they feasted on the flesh of oxen," or something +similar, as, for instance, "Everything that could tickle the palate was +placed on the table." + +SON OF LAMACHUS. "'Tis thus they feasted on the flesh of oxen and, tired +of warfare, unharnessed their foaming steeds." + +TRYGAEUS. That's splendid; tired of warfare, they seat themselves at +table; sing, sing to us how they still go on eating after they are +satiated. + +SON OF LAMACHUS. "The meal over, they girded themselves ..." + +TRYGAEUS. With good wine, no doubt? + +SON OF LAMACHUS. "... with armour and rushed forth from the towers, and a +terrible shout arose." + +TRYGAEUS. Get you gone, you little scapegrace, you and your battles! You +sing of nothing but warfare. Who is your father then? + +SON OF LAMACHUS. My father? + +TRYGAEUS. Why yes, your father. + +SON OF LAMACHUS. I am Lamachus' son. + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! oh! I could indeed have sworn, when I was listening to you, +that you were the son of some warrior who dreams of nothing but wounds +and bruises, of some Boulomachus or Clausimachus;[388] go and sing your +plaguey songs to the spearmen.... Where is the son of Cleonymus? Sing me +something before going back to the feast. I am at least certain he will +not sing of battles, for his father is far too careful a man. + +SON OF CLEONYMUS. "An inhabitant of Saïs is parading with the spotless +shield which I regret to say I have thrown into a thicket."[389] + +TRYGAEUS. Tell me, you little good-for-nothing, are you singing that for +your father? + +SON or CLEONYMUS. "But I saved my life." + +TRYGAEUS. And dishonoured your family. But let us go in; I am very +certain, that being the son of such a father, you will never forget this +song of the buckler. You, who remain to the feast, 'tis your duty to +devour dish after dish and not to ply empty jaws. Come, put heart into +the work and eat with your mouths full. For, believe me, poor friends, +white teeth are useless furniture, if they chew nothing. + +CHORUS. Never fear; thanks all the same for your good advice. + +TRYGAEUS. You, who yesterday were dying of hunger, come, stuff yourselves +with this fine hare-stew; 'tis not every day that we find cakes lying +neglected. Eat, eat, or I predict you will soon regret it. + +CHORUS. Silence! Keep silence! Here is the bride about to appear! Take +nuptial torches and let all rejoice and join in our songs. Then, when we +have danced, clinked our cups and thrown Hyperbolus through the doorway, +we will carry back all our farming tools to the fields and shall pray the +gods to give wealth to the Greeks and to cause us all to gather in an +abundant barley harvest, enjoy a noble vintage, to grant that we may +choke with good figs, that our wives may prove fruitful, that in fact we +may recover all our lost blessings, and that the sparkling fire may be +restored to the hearth. + +TRYGAEUS. Come, wife, to the fields and seek, my beauty, to brighten and +enliven my nights. Oh! Hymen! oh! Hymenaeus! + +CHORUS. Oh! Hymen! oh! Hymenaeus! oh! thrice happy man, who so well +deserve your good fortune! + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! Hymen! oh! Hymenaeus! + +CHORUS. Oh! Hymen! oh! Hymenaeus! + +FIRST SEMI-CHORUS. What shall we do to her? + +SECOND SEMI-CHORUS. What shall we do to her? + +FIRST SEMI-CHORUS. We will gather her kisses. + +SECOND SEMI-CHORUS. We will gather her kisses. + +CHORUS. Come, comrades, we who are in the first row, let us pick up the +bridegroom and carry him in triumph. Oh! Hymen! oh! Hymenaeus! + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! Hymen! oh! Hymenaeus! + +CHORUS. You shall have a fine house, no cares and the finest of figs. Oh! +Hymen! oh! Hymenaeus! + +TRYGAEUS. Oh! Hymen! oh! Hymenaeus! + +CHORUS. The bridegroom's fig is great and thick; the bride's is very soft +and tender. + +TRYGAEUS. While eating and drinking deep draughts of wine, continue to +repeat: Oh! Hymen! oh! Hymenaeus! + +CHORUS. Oh! Hymen! oh! Hymenaeus! + +TRYGAEUS. Farewell, farewell, my friends. All who come with me shall have +cakes galore. + + * * * * * + +FINIS OF "PEACE" + + * * * * * + +Footnotes: + +[262] An obscene allusion, the faeces of catamites being 'well ground' +from the treatment they are in the habit of submitting to. + +[263] 'Peace' was no doubt produced at the festival of the Apaturia, +which was kept at the end of October, a period when strangers were +numerous in Athens. + +[264] The winged steed of Perseus--an allusion to a lost tragedy of +Euripides, in which Bellerophon was introduced riding on Pegasus. + +[265] Fearing that if it caught a whiff from earth to its liking, the +beetle might descend from the highest heaven to satisfy itself. + +[266] The Persians and the Spartans were not then allied as the Scholiast +states, since a treaty between them was only concluded in 412 B.C., i.e. +eight years after the production of 'Peace'; the great king, however, was +trying to derive advantages out of the dissensions in Greece. + +[267] _Go to the crows_, a proverbial expression equivalent to our _Go to +the devil_. + +[268] Aesop tells us that the eagle and the beetle were at war; the eagle +devoured the beetle's young and the latter got into its nest and tumbled +out its eggs. On this the eagle complained to Zeus, who advised it to lay +its eggs in his bosom; but the beetle flew up to the abode of Zeus, who, +forgetful of the eagle's eggs, at once rose to chase off the +objectionable insect. The eggs fell to earth and were smashed to bits. + +[269] Pegasus is introduced by Euripides both in his 'Andromeda' and his +'Bellerophon.' + +[270] Boats, called 'beetles,' doubtless because in form they resembled +these insects, were built at Naxos. + +[271] Nature had divided the Piraeus into three basins--Cantharos, +Aphrodisium and Zea; [Greek: kántharos] is Greek for a dung-beetle. + +[272] In allusion to Euripides' fondness for introducing lame heroes in +his plays. + +[273] An allusion to the proverbial nickname applied to the +Chians--[Greek: Chios apopat_on], "shitting Chian." On account of their +notoriously pederastic habits, the inhabitants of this island were known +throughout Greece as '_loose-arsed_' Chians, and therefore always on the +point of voiding their faeces. There is a further joke, of course, in +connection with the hundred and one frivolous pretexts which the +Athenians invented for exacting contributions from the maritime allies. + +[274] Masters of Pylos and Sphacteria, the Athenians had brought home the +three hundred prisoners taken in the latter place in 425 B.C.; the +Spartans had several times sent envoys to offer peace and to demand back +both Pylos and the prisoners, but the Athenian pride had caused these +proposals to be long refused. Finally the prisoners had been given up in +423 B.C., but the War was continued nevertheless. + +[275] An important town in Eastern Laconia on the Argolic gulf, +celebrated for a temple where a festival was held annually in honour of +Achilles. It had been taken and pillaged by the Athenians in the second +year of the Peloponnesian War, 430 B.C. As he utters this imprecation, +War throws some leeks, [Greek: prasa], the root-word of the name Prasiae, +into his mortar. + +[276] War throws some garlic into his mortar as emblematical of the city +of Megara, where it was grown in abundance. + +[277] Because the smell of bruised garlic causes the eyes to water. + +[278] He throws cheese into the mortar as emblematical of Sicily, on +account of its rich pastures. + +[279] Emblematical of Athens. The honey of Mount Hymettus was famous. + +[280] Cleon, who had lately fallen before Amphipolis, in 422 B.C. + +[281] An island in the Aegean Sea, on the coast of Thrace and opposite +the mouth of the Hebrus; the Mysteries are said to have found their first +home in this island, where the Cabirian gods were worshipped; this cult, +shrouded in deep mystery to even the initiates themselves, has remained +an almost insoluble problem for the modern critic. It was said that the +wishes of the initiates were always granted, and they were feared as +to-day the _jettatori_ (spell-throwers, casters of the evil eye) in +Sicily are feared. + +[282] Brasidas perished in Thrace in the same battle as Cleon at +Amphipolis, 422 B.C. + +[283] An Athenian general as ambitious as he was brave. In 423 B.C. he +had failed in an enterprise against Heraclea, a storm having destroyed +his fleet. Since then he had distinguished himself in several actions, +and was destined, some years later, to share the command of the +expedition to Sicily with Alcibiades and Nicias. + +[284] Meaning, to start on a military expedition. + +[285] Cleon. + +[286] The Chorus insist on the conventional choric dance. + +[287] One of the most favourite games with the Greeks. A stick was set +upright in the ground and to this the beam of a balance was attached by +its centre. Two vessels were hung from the extremities of the beam so as +to balance; beneath these two other and larger dishes were placed and +filled with water, and in the middle of each a brazen figure, called +Manes, was stood. The game consisted in throwing drops of wine from an +agreed distance into one or the other vessel, so that, dragged downwards +by the weight of the liquor, it bumped against Manes. + +[288] A general of austere habits; he disposed of all his property to pay +the cost of a naval expedition, in which he beat the fleet of the foe off +the promontory of Rhium in 429 B.C. + +[289] The Lyceum was a portico ornamented with paintings and surrounded +with gardens, in which military exercises took place. + +[290] A citizen of Miletus, who betrayed his country to the people of +Priené. When asked what he purposed, he replied, "Nothing bad," which +expression had therefore passed into a proverb. + +[291] Hermes was the god of chance. + +[292] As the soldiers had to do when starting on an expedition. + +[293] That is, you are pedicated. + +[294] The initiated were thought to enjoy greater happiness after death. + +[295] He summons Zeus to reveal Trygaeus' conspiracy. + +[296] An Athenian captain, who later had the recall of Alcibiades decreed +by the Athenian people; in 'The Birds' Aristophanes represents him as a +cowardly braggart. He was the reactionary leader who established the +Oligarchical Government of the Four Hundred, 411 B.C., after the failure +of the Syracusan expedition. + +[297] Among other attributes, Hermes was the god of thieves. + +[298] Alluding to the eclipses of the sun and the moon. + +[299] The Panathenaea were dedicated to Athené, the Mysteries to Demeter, +the Dipolia to Zeus, the Adonia to Aphrodité and Adonis. Trygaeus +promises Hermes that he shall be worshipped in the place of all the other +gods. + +[300] The pun here cannot be kept. The word [Greek: paian], Paean, +resembles [Greek: paiein], to strike; hence the word, as recalling the +blows and wounds of the war, seems of ill omen to Trygaeus. + +[301] The device on his shield was a Gorgon's head. (_See_ 'The +Acharnians.') + +[302] Both Sparta and Athens had sought the alliance of the Argives; they +had kept themselves strictly neutral and had received pay from both +sides. But, the year after the production of 'The Wasps,' they openly +joined Athens, had attacked Epidaurus and got cut to pieces by the +Spartans. + +[303] These are the Spartan prisoners from Sphacteria, who were lying in +gaol at Athens. They were chained fast to large beams of wood. + +[304] 'Twas want of force, not want of will. They had suffered more than +any other people from the war. (_See_ 'The Acharnians.') + +[305] Meaning, look chiefly to your fleet. This was the counsel that +Themistocles frequently gave the Athenians. + +[306] A metaphor referring to the abundant vintages that peace would +assure. + +[307] The goddess of fruits. + +[308] Aristophanes personifies under this name the sacred ceremonies in +general which peace would allow to be celebrated with due pomp. Opora and +Theoria come on the stage in the wake of Peace, clothed and decked out as +courtesans. + +[309] Aristophanes has already shown us the husbandmen and workers in +peaceful trades pulling at the rope to extricate Peace, while the +armourers hindered them by pulling the other way. + +[310] An allusion to Lamachus' shield. + +[311] Having been commissioned to execute a statue of Athené, Phidias was +accused of having stolen part of the gold given him out of the public +treasury for its decoration. Rewarded for his work by calumny and +banishment, he resolved to make a finer statue than his Athené, and +executed one for the temple of Elis, that of the Olympian Zeus, which was +considered one of the wonders of the world. + +[312] He had issued a decree, which forbade the admission of any Megarian +on Attic soil, and also all trade with that people. The Megarians, who +obtained all their provisions from Athens, were thus almost reduced to +starvation. + +[313] That is, the vineyards were ravaged from the very outset of the +war, and this increased the animosity. + +[314] Driven in from the country parts by the Lacedaemonian invaders. + +[315] The demagogues, who distributed the slender dole given to the poor, +and by that means exercised undue power over them. + +[316] Meaning, the side of the Spartans. + +[317] Cleon. + +[318] It was Hermes who conducted the souls of the dead down to the lower +regions. + +[319] The Spartans had thrice offered to make peace after the Pylos +disaster. + +[320] i.e. dominated by Cleon. + +[321] There is a pun here, that cannot be rendered, between [Greek: +apobolimaios], which means, _one who throws away his weapons_, and +[Greek: upobolimaios], which signifies, _a supposititious child_. + +[322] Simonides was very avaricious, and sold his pen to the highest +bidder. It seems that Sophocles had also started writing for gain. + +[323] i.e. he would recoil from no risk to turn an honest penny. + +[324] A comic poet as well known for his love of wine as for his +writings; he died in 431 B.C., the first year of the war, at the age of +ninety-seven. + +[325] Opora was the goddess of fruits. + +[326] The Scholiast says fruit may be eaten with impunity in great +quantities if care is taken to drink a decoction of this herb afterwards. + +[327] Theoria is confided to the care of the Senate, because it was this +body who named the [Greek: The_orhoi], deputies appointed to go and +consult the oracles beyond the Attic borders or to be present at feasts +and games. + +[328] The great festivals, e.g. the Dionysia, lasted three days. Those in +honour of the return of Peace, which was so much desired, could not last +a shorter time. + +[329] In spite of what he says, Aristophanes has not always disdained +this sort of low comedy--for instance, his Heracles in 'The Birds.' + +[330] A celebrated Athenian courtesan of Aristophanes' day. + +[331] Cleon. These four verses are here repeated from the parabasis of +'The Wasps,' produced 423 B.C., the year before this play. + +[332] Shafts aimed at certain poets, who used their renown as a means of +seducing young men to grant them pederastic favours. + +[333] The poet supplied everything needful for the production of his +piece--vases, dresses, masks, etc. + +[334] Aristophanes was bald himself, it would seem. + +[335] Carcinus and his three sons were both poets and dancers. (_See_ the +closing scene of 'The Wasps.') Perhaps relying little on the literary +value of their work, it seems that they sought to please the people by +the magnificence of its staging. + +[336] He had written a piece called 'The Mice,' which he succeeded with +great difficulty in getting played, but it met with no success. + +[337] This passage really follows on the invocation, "_Oh, Muse! drive +the War_," etc., from which indeed it is only divided by the interpolated +criticism aimed at Carcinus. + +[338] The Scholiast informs us that these verses are borrowed from a poet +of the sixth century B.C. + +[339] Sons of Philocles, of the family of Aeschylus, tragic writers, +derided by Aristophanes as bad poets and notorious gluttons. + +[340] The Gorgons were represented with great teeth, and therefore the +same name was given to gluttons. The Harpies, to whom the two voracious +poets are also compared, were monsters with the face of a woman, the body +of a vulture and hooked beak and claws. + +[341] A tragic and dithyrambic poet, who had written many pieces, which +had met with great success at Athens. + +[342] The shooting stars. + +[343] That is, men's tools;--we can set her to 'fellate.' + +[344] It has already been mentioned that the sons of Carcinus were +dancers. + +[345] It was customary at weddings, says Menander, to give the bride a +sesame-cake as an emblem of fruitfulness, because sesame is the most +fruitful of all seeds. + +[346] An Attic town on the east coast, noted for a magnificent temple, in +which stood the statue of Artemis, which Orestes and Iphigenia had +brought from the Tauric Chersonese and also for the Brauronia, festivals +that were celebrated every four years in honour of the goddess. This was +one of the festivals which the Attic people kept with the greatest pomp, +and was an occasion for debauchery. + +[347] Competitors intending to take part in the great Olympic, Isthmian +and other games took with them a tent, wherein to camp in the open. +Further, there is an obscene allusion which the actor indicates by +gesture, pointing to the girl's privates, signifying there is the lodging +where he would fain find a delightful abode. The 'Isthmus' is the +perineum, the narrow space betwixt _anus_ and _cunnus_. + +[348] He was a 'cunnilingue,' as we gather also from what Aristophanes +says of his infamous habits in the 'Knights.' + +[349] Doubtless the vessels and other sacrificial objects and implements +with which Theoria was laden in her character of presiding deity at +religious ceremonies. + +[350] The whole passage is full of obscene _double entendres_. Theoria +throughout is spoken of in words applicable to either of her twofold +character--as a sacred, religious feast, and as a lady of pleasure. + +[351] Where the meats were cooked after sacrifice; Trygaeus points to +Theoria's privates, marking the secondary obscene sense he means to +convey. + +[352] "Or otherwise"--that is, with the standing penis. The whole +sentence contains a series of allusions to different 'modes of love.' + +[353] One of the offices of the Prytanes was to introduce those who asked +admission to the Senate, but it would seem that none could obtain this +favour without payment. Without this, a thousand excuses would be made; +for instance, it would be a public holiday, and consequently the Senate +could receive no one. As there was some festival nearly every day, he +whose purse would not open might have to wait a very long while. + +[354] This was only offered to lesser deities. + +[355] In the Greek we have a play upon the similarity of the words, +[Greek: bous], a bull, and [Greek: boan], to shout the battle cry. + +[356] Theagenes, of the Piraeus, a hideous, coarse, debauched and +evil-living character of the day. + +[357] That is the vocative of [Greek: oïs], [Greek: oïos], the Ionic form +of the word; in Attic Greek it is contracted throughout--[Greek: ois], +[Greek: oios], etc. + +[358] An obscene jest. The Greek word, says the Scholiast, means both +barley and the male organ. + +[359] Before sacrificing, the officiating person asked, "_Who is here?_" +and those present answered, "_Many good men._" + +[360] The actors forming the chorus are meant here. + +[361] Lysimacha is derived from [Greek: luein], to put an end to, and +[Greek: mach_e], fight. + +[362] A tragic poet, reputed a great gourmand. + +[363] A tragedy by Melanthius. + +[364] Eels were cooked with beet.--A parody on some verses in the 'Medea' +of Melanthius. + +[365] As a matter of fact, the Sicyonians, who celebrated the festival of +Peace on the sixteenth day of the month of hecatombeon (July), spilled no +blood upon her altar. + +[366] A celebrated diviner, who had accompanied the Athenians on their +expedition to Sicily. Thus the War was necessary to make his calling pay +and the smoke of the sacrifice offered to Peace must therefore be +unpleasant to him. + +[367] A town in Euboea on the channel which separated that island from +Thessaly. + +[368] When sacrificing, the tail was cut off the victim and thrown into +the fire. From the way in which it burnt the inference was drawn as to +whether or not the sacrifice was agreeable to the deity. + +[369] This was the part that belonged to the priests and diviners. As one +of the latter class, Hierocles is in haste to see this piece cut off. + +[370] The Spartans. + +[371] Emphatic pathos, incomprehensible even to the diviner himself; this +is a satire on the obscure style of the oracles. Bacis was a famous +Boeotian diviner. + +[372] Of course this is not a _bona fide_ quotation, but a whimsical +adaptation of various Homeric verses; the last is a coinage of his own, +and means, that he is to have no part, either in the flesh of the victim +or in the wine of the libations. + +[373] Probably the Sibyl of Delphi is meant. + +[374] The skin of the victim, that is to say. + +[375] A temple of Euboea, close to Oreus. The servant means, "Return +where you came from." + +[376] This was the soldier's usual ration when on duty. + +[377] Slaves often bore the name of the country of their birth. + +[378] Because of the new colour which fear had lent his chlamys. + +[379] Meaning, that he deserts his men in mid-campaign, leaving them to +look after the enemy. + +[380] Ancient King of Athens. This was one of the twelve statues, on the +pedestals of which the names of the soldiers chosen for departure on +service were written. The decrees were also placarded on them. + +[381] The trierarchs stopped up some of the holes made for the oars, in +order to reduce the number of rowers they had to supply for the galleys; +they thus saved the wages of the rowers they dispensed with. + +[382] The mina was equivalent to about £3 10s. + +[383] Which is the same thing, since a mina was worth a hundred drachmae. + +[384] For _cottabos_ see note above, p. 177. [Footnote 287. Transcriber.] + +[385] _Syrmaea_, a kind of purgative syrup much used by the Egyptians, +made of antiscorbutic herbs, such as mustard, horse-radish, etc. + +[386] As wine-pots or similar vessels. + +[387] These verses and those which both Trygaeus and the son of Lamachus +quote afterwards are borrowed from the 'Iliad.' + +[388] Boulomachus is derived from [Greek: boulesthai] and [Greek: mach_e] +to wish for battle; Clausimachus from [Greek: klaein] and [Greek: +mach_e], the tears that battles cost. The same root, [Greek: mach_e], +battle, is also contained in the name Lamachus. + +[389] A distich borrowed from Archilochus, a celebrated poet of the +seventh century B.C., born at Paros, and the author of odes, satires, +epigrams and elegies. He sang his own shame. 'Twas in an expedition +against Saïs, not the town in Egypt as the similarity in name might lead +one to believe, but in Thrace, that he had cast away his buckler. "A +mighty calamity truly!" he says without shame. "I shall buy another." + + + + + +LYSISTRATA + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +The 'Lysistrata,' the third and concluding play of the War and Peace +series, was not produced till ten years later than its predecessor, the +'Peace,' viz. in 411 B.C. It is now the twenty-first year of the War, and +there seems as little prospect of peace as ever. A desperate state of +things demands a desperate remedy, and the Poet proceeds to suggest a +burlesque solution of the difficulty. + +The women of Athens, led by Lysistrata and supported by female delegates +from the other states of Hellas, determine to take matters into their own +hands and force the men to stop the War. They meet in solemn conclave, +and Lysistrata expounds her scheme, the rigorous application to husbands +and lovers of a self-denying ordinance--"we must refrain from the male +organ altogether." Every wife and mistress is to refuse all sexual +favours whatsoever, till the men have come to terms of peace. In cases +where the women _must_ yield 'par force majeure,' then it is to be with +an ill grace and in such a way as to afford the minimum of gratification +to their partner; they are to lie passive and take no more part in the +amorous game than they are absolutely obliged to. By these means +Lysistrata assures them they will very soon gain their end. "If we sit +indoors prettily dressed out in our best transparent silks and prettiest +gewgaws, and with our 'mottes' all nicely depilated, their tools will +stand up so stiff that they will be able to deny us nothing." Such is the +burden of her advice. + +After no little demur, this plan of campaign is adopted, and the +assembled women take a solemn oath to observe the compact faithfully. +Meantime as a precautionary measure they seize the Acropolis, where the +State treasure is kept; the old men of the city assault the doors, but +are repulsed by "the terrible regiment" of women. Before long the device +of the bold Lysistrata proves entirely effective, Peace is concluded, and +the play ends with the hilarious festivities of the Athenian and Spartan +plenipotentiaries in celebration of the event. + +This drama has a double Chorus--of women and of old men, and much +excellent fooling is got out of the fight for possession of the citadel +between the two hostile bands; while the broad jokes and decidedly +suggestive situations arising out of the general idea of the plot +outlined above may be "better imagined than described." + + * * * * * + +LYSISTRATA + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +LYSISTRATA. +CALONICÉ. +MYRRHINÉ. +LAMPITO. +STRATYLLIS. +A MAGISTRATE. +CINESIAS. +A CHILD. +HERALD OF THE LACEDAEMONIANS. +ENVOYS OF THE LACEDAEMONIANS. +POLYCHARIDES. +MARKET LOUNGERS. +A SERVANT. +AN ATHENIAN CITIZEN. +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. +CHORUS OF WOMEN. + +SCENE: In a public square at Athens; afterwards before the gates of the +Acropolis, and finally within the precincts of the citadel. + + * * * * * + +LYSISTRATA + + +LYSISTRATA (_alone_). Ah! if only they had been invited to a Bacchic +revelling, or a feast of Pan or Aphrodité or Genetyllis,[390] why! the +streets would have been impassable for the thronging tambourines! Now +there's never a woman here-ah! except my neighbour Calonicé, whom I see +approaching yonder.... Good day, Calonicé. + +CALONICÉ. Good day, Lysistrata; but pray, why this dark, forbidding face, +my dear? Believe me, you don't look a bit pretty with those black +lowering brows. + +LYSISTRATA. Oh! Calonicé, my heart is on fire; I blush for our sex. Men +_will_ have it we are tricky and sly.... + +CALONICÉ. And they are quite right, upon my word! + +LYSISTRATA. Yet, look you, when the women are summoned to meet for a +matter of the last importance, they lie abed instead of coming. + +CALONICÉ. Oh! they will come, my dear; but 'tis not easy, you know, for +women to leave the house. One is busy pottering about her husband; +another is getting the servant up; a third is putting her child asleep, +or washing the brat or feeding it. + +LYSISTRATA. But I tell you, the business that calls them here is far and +away more urgent. + +CALONICÉ. And why _do_ you summon us, dear Lysistrata? What is it all +about? + +LYSISTRATA. About a big affair.[391] + +CALONICÉ. And is it thick too? + +LYSISTRATA. Yes indeed, both big and great. + +CALONICÉ. And we are not all on the spot! + +LYSISTRATA. Oh! if it were what you suppose, there would be never an +absentee. No, no, it concerns a thing I have turned about and about this +way and that of many sleepless nights. + +CALONICÉ. It must be something mighty fine and subtle for you to have +turned it about so! + +LYSISTRATA. So fine, it means just this, Greece saved by the women! + +CALONICÉ. By women! Why, its salvation hangs on a poor thread then! + +LYSISTRATA. Our country's fortunes depend on us--it is with us to undo +utterly the Peloponnesians.... + +CALONICÉ. That would be a noble deed truly! + +LYSISTRATA. To exterminate the Boeotians to a man! + +CALONICÉ. But surely you would spare the eels.[392] + +LYSISTRATA. For Athens' sake I will never threaten so fell a doom; trust +me for that. However, if the Boeotian and Peloponnesian women join us, +Greece is saved. + +CALONICÉ. But how should women perform so wise and glorious an +achievement, we women who dwell in the retirement of the household, clad +in diaphanous garments of yellow silk and long flowing gowns, decked out +with flowers and shod with dainty little slippers? + +LYSISTRATA. Nay, but those are the very sheet-anchors of our +salvation--those yellow tunics, those scents and slippers, those +cosmetics and transparent robes. + +CALONICÉ. How so, pray? + +LYSISTRATA. There is not a man will wield a lance against another ... + +CALONICÉ. Quick, I will get me a yellow tunic from the dyer's. + +LYSISTRATA. ... or want a shield. + +CALONICÉ. I'll run and put on a flowing gown. + +LYSISTRATA. ... or draw a sword. + +CALONICÉ. I'll haste and buy a pair of slippers this instant. + +LYSISTRATA. Now tell me, would not the women have done best to come? + +CALONICÉ. Why, they should have _flown_ here! + +LYSISTRATA. Ah! my dear, you'll see that like true Athenians, they will +do everything too late[393].... Why, there's not a woman come from the +shoreward parts, not one from Salamis.[394] + +CALONICÉ. But I know for certain they embarked at daybreak. + +LYSISTRATA. And the dames from Acharnae![395] why, I thought they would +have been the very first to arrive. + +CALONICÉ. Theagenes wife[396] at any rate is sure to come; she has +actually been to consult Hecaté.... But look! here are some arrivals--and +there are more behind. Ah! ha! now what countrywomen may they be? + +LYSISTRATA. They are from Anagyra.[397] + +CALONICÉ. Yes! upon my word, 'tis a levy _en masse_ of all the female +population of Anagyra! + +MYRRHINÉ. Are we late, Lysistrata? Tell us, pray; what, not a word? + +LYSISTRATA. I cannot say much for you, Myrrhiné! you have not bestirred +yourself overmuch for an affair of such urgency. + +MYRRHINÉ I could not find my girdle in the dark. However, if the matter +is so pressing, here we are; so speak. + +LYSISTRATA. No, but let us wait a moment more, till the women of Boeotia +arrive and those from the Peloponnese. + +MYRRHINÉ Yes, that is best.... Ah! here comes Lampito. + +LYSISTRATA. Good day, Lampito, dear friend from Lacedaemon. How well and +handsome you look! what a rosy complexion! and how strong you seem; why, +you could strangle a bull surely! + +LAMPITO. Yes, indeed, I really think I could. 'Tis because I do +gymnastics and practise the kick dance.[398] + +LYSISTRATA. And what superb bosoms! + +LAMPITO. La! you are feeling me as if I were a beast for sacrifice. + +LYSISTRATA. And this young woman, what countrywoman is she? + +LAMPITO. She is a noble lady from Boeotia. + +LYSISTRATA. Ah! my pretty Boeotian friend, you are as blooming as a +garden. + +CALONICÉ. Yes, on my word! and the garden is so prettily weeded too![399] + +LYSISTRATA. And who is this? + +LAMPITO. 'Tis an honest woman, by my faith! she comes from Corinth. + +LYSISTRATA. Oh! honest, no doubt then--as honesty goes at Corinth.[400] + +LAMPITO. But who has called together this council of women, pray? + +LYSISTRATA. I have. + +LAMPITO. Well then, tell us what you want of us. + +LYSISTRATA. With pleasure, my dear. + +MYRRHINÉ. What is the most important business you wish to inform us +about? + +LYSISTRATA. I will tell you. But first answer me one question. + +MYRRHINÉ. What is that? + +LYSISTRATA. Don't you feel sad and sorry because the fathers of your +children are far away from you with the army? For I'll undertake, there +is not one of you whose husband is not abroad at this moment. + +CALONICÉ. Mine has been the last five months in Thrace--looking after +Eucrates.[401] + +LYSISTRATA. 'Tis seven long months since mine left me for Pylos.[402] + +LAMPITO. As for mine, if he ever does return from service, he's no sooner +back than he takes down his shield again and flies back to the wars. + +LYSISTRATA. And not so much as the shadow of a lover! Since the day the +Milesians betrayed us, I have never once seen an eight-inch-long +_godemiche_ even, to be a leathern consolation to us poor widows.... Now +tell me, if I have discovered a means of ending the war, will you all +second me? + +MYRRHINÉ. Yes verily, by all the goddesses, I swear I will, though I have +to put my gown in pawn, and drink the money the same day.[403] + +CALONICÉ. And so will I, though I must be split in two like a flat-fish, +and have half myself removed. + +LAMPITO. And I too; why, to secure Peace, I would climb to the top of +Mount Taygetus.[404] + +LYSISTRATA. Then I will out with it at last, my mighty secret! Oh! sister +women, if we would compel our husbands to make peace, we must refrain.... + +MYRRHINÉ. Refrain from what? tell us, tell us! + +LYSISTRATA. But will you do it? + +MYRRHINÉ. We will, we will, though we should die of it. + +LYSISTRATA. We must refrain from the male organ altogether.... Nay, why +do you turn your backs on me? Where are you going? So, you bite your +lips, and shake your heads, eh? Why these pale, sad looks? why these +tears? Come, will you do it--yes or no? Do you hesitate? + +MYRRHINÉ. No, I will not do it; let the War go on. + +LYSISTRATA. And you, my pretty flat-fish, who declared just now they +might split you in two? + +CALONICÉ. Anything, anything but that! Bid me go through the fire, if you +will; but to rob us of the sweetest thing in all the world, my dear, dear +Lysistrata! + +LYSISTRATA. And you? + +MYRRHINÉ. Yes, I agree with the others; I too would sooner go through the +fire. + +LYSISTRATA. Oh, wanton, vicious sex! the poets have done well to make +tragedies upon us; we are good for nothing then but love and +lewdness![405] But you, my dear, you from hardy Sparta, if _you_ join me, +all may yet be well; help me, second me, I conjure you. + +LAMPITO. 'Tis a hard thing, by the two goddesses[406] it is! for a woman +to sleep alone without ever a standing weapon in her bed. But there, +Peace must come first. + +LYSISTRATA. Oh, my dear, my dearest, best friend, you are the only one +deserving the name of woman! + +CALONICÉ. But if--which the gods forbid--we do refrain altogether from +what you say, should we get peace any sooner? + +LYSISTRATA. Of course we should, by the goddesses twain! We need only sit +indoors with painted cheeks, and meet our mates lightly clad in +transparent gowns of Amorgos[407] silk, and with our "mottes" nicely +plucked smooth; then their tools will stand like mad and they will be +wild to lie with us. That will be the time to refuse, and they will +hasten to make peace, I am convinced of that! + +LAMPITO. Yes, just as Menelaus, when he saw Helen's naked bosom, threw +away his sword, they say. + +CALONICÉ. But, poor devils, suppose our husbands go away and leave us. + +LYSISTRATA. Then, as Pherecrates says, we must "flay a skinned dog,"[408] +that's all. + +CALONICÉ. Bah! these proverbs are all idle talk.... But if our husbands +drag us by main force into the bedchamber? + +LYSISTRATA. Hold on to the door posts. + +CALONICÉ. But if they beat us? + +LYSISTRATA. Then yield to their wishes, but with a bad grace; there is no +pleasure for them, when they do it by force. Besides, there are a +thousand ways of tormenting them. Never fear, they'll soon tire of the +game; there's no satisfaction for a man, unless the woman shares it. + +CALONICÉ. Very well, if you _will_ have it so, we agree. + +LAMPITO. For ourselves, no doubt we shall persuade our husbands to +conclude a fair and honest peace; but there is the Athenian populace, how +are we to cure these folk of their warlike frenzy? + +LYSISTRATA. Have no fear; we undertake to make our own people hear +reason. + +LAMPITO. Nay, impossible, so long as they have their trusty ships and the +vast treasures stored in the temple of Athené. + +LYSISTRATA. Ah! but we have seen to that; this very day the Acropolis +will be in our hands. That is the task assigned to the older women; while +we are here in council, they are going, under pretence of offering +sacrifice, to seize the citadel. + +LAMPITO. Well said indeed! so everything is going for the best. + +LYSISTRATA. Come, quick, Lampito, and let us bind ourselves by an +inviolable oath. + +LAMPITO. Recite the terms; we will swear to them. + +LYSISTRATA. With pleasure. Where is our Usheress?[409] Now, what are you +staring at, pray? Lay this shield on the earth before us, its hollow +upwards, and someone bring me the victim's inwards. + +CALONICÉ. Lysistrata, say, what oath are we to swear? + +LYSISTRATA. What oath? Why, in Aeschylus, they sacrifice a sheep, and +swear over a buckler;[410] we will do the same. + +CALONICÉ. No, Lysistrata, one cannot swear peace over a buckler, surely. + +LYSISTRATA. What other oath do you prefer? + +CALONICÉ. Let's take a white horse, and sacrifice it, and swear on its +entrails. + +LYSISTRATA. But where get a white horse from? + +CALONICÉ. Well, what oath shall we take then? + +LYSISTRATA. Listen to me. Let's set a great black bowl on the ground; +let's sacrifice a skin of Thasian[411] wine into it, and take oath not to +add one single drop of water. + +LAMPITO. Ah! that's an oath pleases me more than I can say. + +LYSISTRATA. Let them bring me a bowl and a skin of wine. + +CALONICÉ. Ah! my dears, what a noble big bowl! what a delight 'twill be +to empty it! + +LYSISTRATA. Set the bowl down on the ground, and lay your hands on the +victim.... Almighty goddess, Persuasion, and thou, bowl, boon comrade of +joy and merriment, receive this our sacrifice, and be propitious to us +poor women! + +CALONICÉ. Oh! the fine red blood! how well it flows! + +LAMPITO. And what a delicious savour, by the goddesses twain! + +LYSISTRATA. Now, my dears, let me swear first, if you please. + +CALONICÉ. No, by the goddess of love, let us decide that by lot. + +LYSISTRATA. Come then, Lampito, and all of you, put your hands to the +bowl; and do you, Calonicé, repeat in the name of all the solemn terms I +am going to recite. Then you must all swear, and pledge yourselves by the +same promises.--"_I will have naught to do whether with lover or +husband...._" + +CALONICÉ. _I will have naught to do whether with lover or husband...._ + +LYSISTRATA. _Albeit he come to me with stiff and standing tool...._ + +CALONICÉ. _Albeit he come to me with stiff and standing tool...._ Oh! +Lysistrata, I cannot bear it! + +LYSISTRATA. _I will live at home in perfect chastity...._ + +CALONICÉ. _I will live at home in perfect chastity...._ + +LYSISTRATA. _Beautifully dressed and wearing a saffron-coloured gown...._ + +CALONICÉ. _Beautifully dressed and wearing a saffron-coloured gown...._ + +LYSISTRATA. _To the end I may inspire my husband with the most ardent +longings._ + +CALONICÉ. _To the end I may inspire my husband with the most ardent +longings._ + +LYSISTRATA. _Never will I give myself voluntarily...._ + +CALONICÉ. _Never will I give myself voluntarily...._ + +LYSISTRATA. _And if he has me by force...._ + +CALONICÉ. _And if he has me by force...._ + +LYSISTRATA. _I will be cold as ice, and never stir a limb...._ + +CALONICÉ. _I will be cold as ice, and never stir a limb...._ + +LYSISTRATA. _I will not lift my legs in air...._ + +CALONICÉ. _I will not lift my legs in air...._ + +LYSISTRATA. _Nor will I crouch with bottom upraised, like carven lions on +a knife-handle_. + +CALONICÉ. _Nor will I crouch with bottom upraised, like carven lions on a +knife-handle_. + +LYSISTRATA. _An if I keep my oath, may I be suffered to drink of this +wine._ + +CALONICÉ. _An if I keep my oath, may I be suffered to drink of this +wine_. + +LYSISTRATA. _But if I break it, let my bowl be filled with water_. + +CALONICÉ. _But if I break it, let my bowl be filled with water_. + +LYSISTRATA. Will ye all take this oath? + +MYRRHINÉ. Yes, yes! + +LYSISTRATA. Then lo! I immolate the victim. (_She drinks._) + +CALONICÉ. Enough, enough, my dear; now let us all drink in turn to cement +our friendship. + +LAMPITO. Hark! what do those cries mean? + +LYSISTRATA. 'Tis what I was telling you; the women have just occupied the +Acropolis. So now, Lampito, do you return to Sparta to organize the plot, +while your comrades here remain as hostages. For ourselves, let us away +to join the rest in the citadel, and let us push the bolts well home. + +CALONICÉ. But don't you think the men will march up against us? + +LYSISTRATA. I laugh at them. Neither threats nor flames shall force our +doors; they shall open only on the conditions I have named. + +CALONICÉ. Yes, yes, by the goddess of love! let us keep up our old-time +repute for obstinacy and spite. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN.[412] Go easy, Draces, go easy; why, your shoulder is +all chafed by these plaguey heavy olive stocks. But forward still, +forward, man, as needs must. What unlooked-for things do happen, to be +sure, in a long life! Ah! Strymodorus, who would ever have thought it? +Here we have the women, who used, for our misfortune, to eat our bread +and live in our houses, daring nowadays to lay hands on the holy image of +the goddess, to seize the Acropolis and draw bars and bolts to keep any +from entering! Come, Philurgus man, let's hurry thither; let's lay our +faggots all about the citadel, and on the blazing pile burn with our +hands these vile conspiratresses, one and all--and Lycon's wife, +Lysistrata, first and foremost! Nay, by Demeter, never will I let 'em +laugh at me, whiles I have a breath left in my body. Cleomenes +himself,[413] the first who ever seized our citadel, had to quit it to +his sore dishonour; spite his Lacedaemonian pride, he had to deliver me +up his arms and slink off with a single garment to his back. My word! but +he was filthy and ragged! and what an unkempt beard, to be sure! He had +not had a bath for six long years! Oh! but that was a mighty siege! Our +men were ranged seventeen deep before the gate, and never left their +posts, even to sleep. These women, these enemies of Euripides and all the +gods, shall I do nothing to hinder their inordinate insolence? else let +them tear down my trophies of Marathon. But look ye, to finish our +toilsome climb, we have only this last steep bit left to mount. Verily +'tis no easy job without beasts of burden, and how these logs do bruise +my shoulder! Still let us on, and blow up our fire and see it does not go +out just as we reach our destination. Phew! phew! (_blows the fire_). Oh! +dear! what a dreadful smoke! it bites my eyes like a mad dog. It is +Lemnos[414] fire for sure, or it would never devour my eyelids like this. +Come on, Laches, let's hurry, let's bring succour to the goddess; it's +now or never! Phew! phew! (_blows the fire_). Oh! dear! what a confounded +smoke!--There now, there's our fire all bright and burning, thank the +gods! Now, why not first put down our loads here, then take a +vine-branch, light it at the brazier and hurl it at the gate by way of +battering-ram? If they don't answer our summons by pulling back the +bolts, then we set fire to the woodwork, and the smoke will choke 'em. Ye +gods! what a smoke! Pfaugh! Is there never a Samos general will help me +unload my burden?[415]--Ah! it shall not gall my shoulder any more. +(_Tosses down his wood._) Come, brazier, do your duty, make the embers +flare, that I may kindle a brand; I want to be the first to hurl one. Aid +me, heavenly Victory; let us punish for their insolent audacity the women +who have seized our citadel, and may we raise a trophy of triumph for +success! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN.[416] Oh! my dears, methinks I see fire and smoke; can it +be a conflagration? Let us hurry all we can. Fly, fly, Nicodicé, ere +Calycé and Crityllé perish in the fire, or are stifled in the smoke +raised by these accursed old men and their pitiless laws. But, great +gods, can it be I come too late? Rising at dawn, I had the utmost trouble +to fill this vessel at the fountain. Oh! what a crowd there was, and what +a din! What a rattling of water-pots! Servants and slave-girls pushed and +thronged me! However, here I have it full at last; and I am running to +carry the water to my fellow townswomen, whom our foes are plotting to +burn alive. News has been brought us that a company of old, doddering +greybeards, loaded with enormous faggots, as if they wanted to heat a +furnace, have taken the field, vomiting dreadful threats, crying that +they must reduce to ashes these horrible women. Suffer them not, oh! +goddess, but, of thy grace, may I see Athens and Greece cured of their +warlike folly. 'Tis to this end, oh! thou guardian deity of our city, +goddess of the golden crest, that they have seized thy sanctuary. Be +their friend and ally, Athené, and if any man hurl against them lighted +firebrands, aid us to carry water to extinguish them. + +STRATYLLIS. Let me be, I say. Oh! oh! (_She calls for help._) + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. What is this I see, ye wretched old men? Honest and +pious folk ye cannot be who act so vilely. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah, ha! here's something new! a swarm of women stand +posted outside to defend the gates! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Ah! ah! we frighten you, do we; we seem a mighty host, +yet you do not see the ten-thousandth part of our sex. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ho, Phaedrias! shall we stop their cackle? Suppose one +of us were to break a stick across their backs, eh? + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Let us set down our water-pots on the ground, to be out +of the way, if they should dare to offer us violence. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Let someone knock out two or three teeth for them, as +they did to Bupalus;[417] they won't talk so loud then. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Come on then; I wait you with unflinching foot, and I +will snap off your testicles like a bitch. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Silence! ere my stick has cut short your days. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Now, just you dare to touch Stratyllis with the tip of +your finger! + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. And if I batter you to pieces with my fists, what will +you do? + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. I will tear out your lungs and entrails with my teeth. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Oh! what a clever poet is Euripides! how well he says +that woman is the most shameless of animals. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Let's pick up our water-jars again, Rhodippé. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah! accursed harlot, what do you mean to do here with +your water? + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. And you, old death-in-life, with your fire? Is it to +cremate yourself? + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. I am going to build you a pyre to roast your female +friends upon. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. And I,--I am going to put out your fire. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. You put out my fire--you! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Yes, you shall soon see. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. I don't know what prevents me from roasting you with +this torch. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. I am getting you a bath ready to clean off the filth. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. A bath for me, you dirty slut, you! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Yes, indeed, a nuptial bath--he, he! + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Do you hear that? What insolence! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. I am a free woman, I tell you. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. I will make you hold your tongue, never fear! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Ah, ha! you shall never sit more amongst the +heliasts.[418] + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Burn off her hair for her! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Water, do your office! (_The women pitch the water in +their water-pots over the old men._) + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Oh, dear! oh, dear! oh, dear! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Was it hot? + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Hot, great gods! Enough, enough! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. I'm watering you, to make you bloom afresh. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Alas! I am too dry! Ah, me! how I am trembling with +cold! + +MAGISTRATE. These women, have they made din enough, I wonder, with their +tambourines? bewept Adonis enough upon their terraces?[419] I was +listening to the speeches last assembly day,[420] and Demostratus,[421] +whom heaven confound! was saying we must all go over to Sicily--and lo! +his wife was dancing round repeating: Alas! alas! Adonis, woe is me for +Adonis! + +Demostratus was saying we must levy hoplites at Zacynthus[422]--and lo! +his wife, more than half drunk, was screaming on the house-roof: "Weep, +weep for Adonis!"--while that infamous _Mad Ox_[423] was bellowing away +on his side.--Do ye not blush, ye women, for your wild and uproarious +doings? + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. But you don't know all their effrontery yet! They +abused and insulted us; then soused us with the water in their +water-pots, and have set us wringing out our clothes, for all the world +as if we had bepissed ourselves. + +MAGISTRATE. And 'tis well done too, by Poseidon! We men must share the +blame of their ill conduct; it is we who teach them to love riot and +dissoluteness and sow the seeds of wickedness in their hearts. You see a +husband go into a shop: "Look you, jeweller," says he, "you remember the +necklace you made for my wife. Well, t'other evening, when she was +dancing, the catch came open. Now, I am bound to start for Salamis; will +you make it convenient to go up to-night to make her fastening secure?" +Another will go to a cobbler, a great, strong fellow, with a great, long +tool, and tell him: "The strap of one of my wife's sandals presses her +little toe, which is extremely sensitive; come in about midday to supple +the thing and stretch it." Now see the results. Take my own case--as a +Magistrate I have enlisted rowers; I want money to pay 'em, and lo! the +women clap to the door in my face.[424] But why do we stand here with +arms crossed? Bring me a crowbar; I'll chastise their insolence!--Ho! +there, my fine fellow! (_addressing one of his attendant officers_) what +are you gaping at the crows about? looking for a tavern, I suppose, eh? +Come, crowbars here, and force open the gates. I will put a hand to the +work myself. + +LYSISTRATA. No need to force the gates; I am coming out--here I am. And +why bolts and bars? What we want here is not bolts and bars and locks, +but common sense. + +MAGISTRATE. Really, my fine lady! Where is my officer? I want him to tie +that woman's hands behind her back. + +LYSISTRATA. By Artemis, the virgin goddess! if he touches me with the tip +of his finger, officer of the public peace though he be, let him look out +for himself! + +MAGISTRATE (_to the officer_). How now, are you afraid? Seize her, I tell +you, round the body. Two of you at her, and have done with it! + +FIRST WOMAN. By Pandrosos! if you lay a hand on her, I'll trample you +underfoot till you shit your guts! + +MAGISTRATE. Oh, there! my guts! Where is my other officer? Bind that minx +first, who speaks so prettily! + +SECOND WOMAN. By Phoebé, if you touch her with one finger, you'd better +call quick for a surgeon! + +MAGISTRATE. What do you mean? Officer, where are you got to? Lay hold of +her. Oh! but I'm going to stop your foolishness for you all! + +THIRD WOMAN. By the Tauric Artemis, if you go near her, I'll pull out +your hair, scream as you like. + +MAGISTRATE. Ah! miserable man that I am! My own officers desert me. What +ho! are we to let ourselves be bested by a mob of women? Ho! Scythians +mine, close up your ranks, and forward! + +LYSISTRATA. By the holy goddesses! you'll have to make acquaintance with +four companies of women, ready for the fray and well armed to boot. + +MAGISTRATE. Forward, Scythians, and bind them! + +LYSISTRATA. Forward, my gallant companions; march forth, ye vendors of +grain and eggs, garlic and vegetables, keepers of taverns and bakeries, +wrench and strike and tear; come, a torrent of invective and insult! +(_They beat the officers._) Enough, enough! now retire, never rob the +vanquished! + +MAGISTRATE. Here's a fine exploit for my officers! + +LYSISTRATA. Ah, ha! so you thought you had only to do with a set of +slave-women! you did not know the ardour that fills the bosom of +free-born dames. + +MAGISTRATE. Ardour! yes, by Apollo, ardour enough--especially for the +wine-cup! + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Sir, sir! what use of words? they are of no avail with +wild beasts of this sort. Don't you know how they have just washed us +down--and with no very fragrant soap! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. What would you have? You should never have laid rash +hands on us. If you start afresh, I'll knock your eyes out. My delight is +to stay at home as coy as a young maid, without hurting anybody or moving +any more than a milestone; but 'ware the wasps, if you go stirring up the +wasps' nest! + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah! great gods! how get the better of these ferocious +creatures? 'tis past all bearing! But come, let us try to find out the +reason of the dreadful scourge. With what end in view have they seized +the citadel of Cranaus,[425] the sacred shrine that is raised upon the +inaccessible rock of the Acropolis? Question them; be cautious and not +too credulous. 'Twould be culpable negligence not to pierce the mystery, +if we may. + +MAGISTRATE (_addressing the women_). I would ask you first why ye have +barred our gates. + +LYSISTRATA. To seize the treasury; no more money, no more war. + +MAGISTRATE. Then money is the cause of the War? + +LYSISTRATA. And of all our troubles. 'Twas to find occasion to steal that +Pisander[426] and all the other agitators were for ever raising +revolutions. Well and good! but they'll never get another drachma here. + +MAGISTRATE. What do you propose to do then, pray? + +LYSISTRATA. You ask me that! Why, we propose to administer the treasury +ourselves. + +MAGISTRATE. _You_ do? + +LYSISTRATA. What is there in that to surprise you? Do we not administer +the budget of household expenses? + +MAGISTRATE. But that is not the same thing. + +LYSISTRATA How so--not the same thing? + +MAGISTRATE. It is the treasury supplies the expenses of the War. + +LYSISTRATA. That's our first principle--no War! + +MAGISTRATE. What! and the safety of the city? + +LYSISTRATA. We will provide for that. + +MAGISTRATE You? + +LYSISTRATA Yes, just we. + +MAGISTRATE. What a sorry business! + +LYSISTRATA. Yes, we're going to save you, whether you will or no. + +MAGISTRATE. Oh! the impudence of the creatures! + +LYSISTRATA. You seem annoyed! but there, you've got to come to it. + +MAGISTRATE. But 'tis the very height of iniquity! + +LYSISTRATA. We're going to save you, my man. + +MAGISTRATE. But if I don't want to be saved? + +LYSISTRATA. Why, all the more reason! + +MAGISTRATE. But what a notion, to concern yourselves with questions of +Peace and War! + +LYSISTRATA. We will explain our idea. + +MAGISTRATE. Out with it then; quick, or ... (_threatening her_). + +LYSISTRATA. Listen, and never a movement, please! + +MAGISTRATE. Oh! it is too much for me! I cannot keep my temper! + +A WOMAN. Then look out for yourself; you have more to fear than we have. + +MAGISTRATE. Stop your croaking, old crow, you! (_To Lysistrata._) Now +you, say your say. + +LYSISTRATA. Willingly. All the long time the War has lasted, we have +endured in modest silence all you men did; we never allowed ourselves to +open our lips. We were far from satisfied, for we knew how things were +going; often in our homes we would hear you discussing, upside down and +inside out, some important turn of affairs. Then with sad hearts, but +smiling lips, we would ask you: Well, in to-day's Assembly did they vote +Peace?--But, "Mind your own business!" the husband would growl, "Hold +your tongue, do!" And I would say no more. + +A WOMAN. I would not have held my tongue though, not I! + +MAGISTRATE. You would have been reduced to silence by blows then. + +LYSISTRATA. Well, for my part, I would say no more. But presently I would +come to know you had arrived at some fresh decision more fatally foolish +than ever. "Ah! my dear man," I would say, "what madness next!" But he +would only look at me askance and say: "Just weave your web, do; else +your cheeks will smart for hours. War is men's business!" + +MAGISTRATE. Bravo! well said indeed! + +LYSISTRATA. How now, wretched man? not to let us contend against your +follies, was bad enough! But presently we heard you asking out loud in +the open street: "Is there never a man left in Athens?" and, "No, not +one, not one," you were assured in reply. Then, then we made up our minds +without more delay to make common cause to save Greece. Open your ears to +our wise counsels and hold your tongues, and we may yet put things on a +better footing. + +MAGISTRATE. _You_ put things indeed! Oh! 'tis too much! The insolence of +the creatures! Silence, I say. + +LYSISTRATA. Silence yourself! + +MAGISTRATE. May I die a thousand deaths ere I obey one who wears a veil! + +LYSISTRATA. If that's all that troubles you, here, take my veil, wrap it +round your head, and hold your tongue. Then take this basket; put on a +girdle, card wool, munch beans. The War shall be women's business. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Lay aside your water-pots, we will guard them, we will +help our friends and companions. For myself, I will never weary of the +dance; my knees will never grow stiff with fatigue. I will brave +everything with my dear allies, on whom Nature has lavished virtue, +grace, boldness, cleverness, and whose wisely directed energy is going to +save the State. Oh! my good, gallant Lysistrata, and all my friends, be +ever like a bundle of nettles; never let your anger slacken; the winds of +fortune blow our way. + +LYSISTRATA. May gentle Love and the sweet Cyprian Queen shower seductive +charms on our bosoms and all our person. If only we may stir so amorous a +lust among the men that their tools stand stiff as sticks, we shall +indeed deserve the name of peace-makers among the Greeks. + +MAGISTRATE. How will that be, pray? + +LYSISTRATA. To begin with, we shall not see you any more running like mad +fellows to the Market holding lance in fist. + +A WOMAN. That will be something gained, anyway, by the Paphian goddess, +it will! + +LYSISTRATA. Now we see 'em, mixed up with saucepans and kitchen stuff, +armed to the teeth, looking like wild Corybantes![427] + +MAGISTRATE. Why, of course; that's how brave men should do. + +LYSISTRATA. Oh! but what a funny sight, to behold a man wearing a +Gorgon's-head buckler coming along to buy fish! + +A WOMAN. 'Tother day in the Market I saw a phylarch[428] with flowing +ringlets; he was a-horseback, and was pouring into his helmet the broth +he had just bought at an old dame's stall. There was a Thracian warrior +too, who was brandishing his lance like Tereus in the play;[429] he had +scared a good woman selling figs into a perfect panic, and was gobbling +up all her ripest fruit. + +MAGISTRATE. And how, pray, would you propose to restore peace and order +in all the countries of Greece? + +LYSISTRATA. 'Tis the easiest thing in the world! + +MAGISTRATE. Come, tell us how; I am curious to know. + +LYSISTRATA. When we are winding thread, and it is tangled, we pass the +spool across and through the skein, now this way, now that way; even so, +to finish off the War, we shall send embassies hither and thither and +everywhere, to disentangle matters. + +MAGISTRATE. And 'tis with your yarn, and your skeins, and your spools, +you think to appease so many bitter enmities, you silly women? + +LYSISTRATA. If only you had common sense, you would always do in politics +the same as we do with our yarn. + +MAGISTRATE. Come, how is that, eh? + +LYSISTRATA. First we wash the yarn to separate the grease and filth; do +the same with all bad citizens, sort them out and drive them forth with +rods--'tis the refuse of the city. Then for all such as come crowding up +in search of employments and offices, we must card them thoroughly; then, +to bring them all to the same standard, pitch them pell-mell into the +same basket, resident aliens or no, allies, debtors to the State, all +mixed up together. Then as for our Colonies, you must think of them as so +many isolated hanks; find the ends of the separate threads, draw them to +a centre here, wind them into one, make one great hank of the lot, out of +which the Public can weave itself a good, stout tunic. + +MAGISTRATE. Is it not a sin and a shame to see them carding and winding +the State, these women who have neither art nor part in the burdens of +the War? + +LYSISTRATA. What! wretched man! why, 'tis a far heavier burden to us than +to you. In the first place, we bear sons who go off to fight far away +from Athens. + +MAGISTRATE. Enough said! do not recall sad and sorry memories![430] + +LYSISTRATA. Then secondly, instead of enjoying the pleasures of love and +making the best of our youth and beauty, we are left to languish far from +our husbands, who are all with the army. But say no more of ourselves; +what afflicts me is to see our girls growing old in lonely grief. + +MAGISTRATE. Don't the men grow old too? + +LYSISTRATA. That is not the same thing. When the soldier returns from the +wars, even though he has white hair, he very soon finds a young wife. But +a woman has only one summer; if she does not make hay while the sun +shines, no one will afterwards have anything to say to her, and she +spends her days consulting oracles, that never send her a husband. + +MAGISTRATE. But the old man who can still erect his organ ... + +LYSISTRATA. But you, why don't you get done with it and die? You are +rich; go buy yourself a bier, and I will knead you a honey-cake for +Cerberus. Here, take this garland. (_Drenching him with water._) + +FIRST WOMAN. And this one too. (_Drenching him with water._) + +SECOND WOMAN. And these fillets. (_Drenching him with water._) + +LYSISTRATA. What do you lack more? Step aboard the boat; Charon is +waiting for you, you're keeping him from pushing off. + +MAGISTRATE. To treat me so scurvily! What an insult! I will go show +myself to my fellow-magistrates just as I am. + +LYSISTRATA. What! are you blaming us for not having exposed you according +to custom?[431] Nay, console yourself; we will not fail to offer up the +third-day sacrifice for you, first thing in the morning.[432] + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Awake, friends of freedom; let us hold ourselves aye +ready to act. I suspect a mighty peril; I foresee another Tyranny like +Hippias'.[433] I am sore afraid the Laconians assembled here with +Cleisthenes have, by a stratagem of war, stirred up these women, enemies +of the gods, to seize upon our treasury and the funds whereby I +lived.[434] Is it not a sin and a shame for them to interfere in advising +the citizens, to prate of shields and lances, and to ally themselves with +Laconians, fellows I trust no more than I would so many famished wolves? +The whole thing, my friends, is nothing else but an attempt to +re-establish Tyranny. But I will never submit; I will be on my guard for +the future; I will always carry a blade hidden under myrtle boughs; I +will post myself in the Public Square under arms, shoulder to shoulder +with Aristogiton;[435] and now, to make a start, I must just break a few +of that cursed old jade's teeth yonder. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Nay, never play the brave man, else when you go back +home, your own mother won't know you. But, dear friends and allies, first +let us lay our burdens down; then, citizens all, hear what I have to say. +I have useful counsel to give our city, which deserves it well at my +hands for the brilliant distinctions it has lavished on my girlhood. At +seven years of age, I was bearer of the sacred vessels; at ten, I pounded +barley for the altar of Athené; next, clad in a robe of yellow silk, I +was _little bear_ to Artemis at the Brauronia;[436] presently, grown a +tall, handsome maiden, they put a necklace of dried figs about my neck, +and I was Basket-Bearer.[437] So surely I am bound to give my best advice +to Athens. What matters that I was born a woman, if I can cure your +misfortunes? I pay my share of tolls and taxes, by giving men to the +State. But you, you miserable greybeards, you contribute nothing to the +public charges; on the contrary, you have wasted the treasure of our +forefathers, as it was called, the treasure amassed in the days of the +Persian Wars.[438] You pay nothing at all in return; and into the bargain +you endanger our lives and liberties by your mistakes. Have you one word +to say for yourselves? ... Ah! don't irritate me, you there, or I'll lay +my slipper across your jaws; and it's pretty heavy. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Outrage upon outrage! things are going from bad to +worse. Let us punish the minxes, every one of us that has a man's +appendages to boast of. Come, off with our tunics, for a man must savour +of manhood; come, my friends, let us strip naked from head to foot. +Courage, I say, we who in our day garrisoned Lipsydrion;[439] let us be +young again, and shake off eld. If we give them the least hold over us, +'tis all up! their audacity will know no bounds! We shall see them +building ships, and fighting sea-fights, like Artemisia;[440] nay, if +they want to mount and ride as cavalry, we had best cashier the knights, +for indeed women excel in riding, and have a fine, firm seat for the +gallop.[441] Just think of all those squadrons of Amazons Micon has +painted for us engaged in hand-to-hand combat with men.[442] Come then, +we must e'en fit collars to all these willing necks. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. By the blessed goddesses, if you anger me, I will let +loose the beast of my evil passions, and a very hailstorm of blows will +set you yelling for help. Come, dames, off tunics, and quick's the word; +women must scent the savour of women in the throes of passion.... Now +just you dare to measure strength with me, old greybeard, and I warrant +you you'll never eat garlic or black beans more. No, not a word! my anger +is at boiling point, and I'll do with you what the beetle did with the +eagle's eggs.[443] I laugh at your threats, so long as I have on my side +Lampito here, and the noble Theban, my dear Ismenia.... Pass decree on +decree, you can do us no hurt, you wretch abhorred of all your fellows. +Why, only yesterday, on occasion of the feast of Hecaté, I asked my +neighbours of Boeotia for one of their daughters for whom my girls have a +lively liking--a fine, fat eel to wit; and if they did not refuse, all +along of your silly decrees! We shall never cease to suffer the like, +till someone gives you a neat trip-up and breaks your neck for you! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN (_addressing Lysistrata_). You, Lysistrata, you who are +leader of our glorious enterprise, why do I see you coming towards me +with so gloomy an air? + +LYSISTRATA. 'Tis the behaviour of these naughty women, 'tis the female +heart and female weakness so discourages me. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Tell us, tell us, what is it? + +LYSISTRATA. I only tell the simple truth. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. What has happened so disconcerting; come, tell your +friends. + +LYSISTRATA. Oh! the thing is so hard to tell--yet so impossible to +conceal. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Nay, never seek to hide any ill that has befallen our +cause. + +LYSISTRATA. To blurt it out in a word--we are in heat! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Oh! Zeus, oh! Zeus! + +LYSISTRATA. What use calling upon Zeus? The thing is even as I say. I +cannot stop them any longer from lusting after the men. They are all for +deserting. The first I caught was slipping out by the postern gate near +the cave of Pan; another was letting herself down by a rope and pulley; a +third was busy preparing her escape; while a fourth, perched on a bird's +back, was just taking wing for Orsilochus' house,[444] when I seized her +by the hair. One and all, they are inventing excuses to be off home. +Look! there goes one, trying to get out! Halloa there! whither away so +fast? + +FIRST WOMAN. I want to go home; I have some Miletus wool in the house, +which is getting all eaten up by the worms. + +LYSISTRATA. Bah! you and your worms! go back, I say! + +FIRST WOMAN. I will return immediately, I swear I will by the two +goddesses! I only have just to spread it out on the bed. + +LYSISTRATA. You shall not do anything of the kind! I say, you shall not +go. + +FIRST WOMAN. Must I leave my wool to spoil then? + +LYSISTRATA. Yes, if need be. + +SECOND WOMAN. Unhappy woman that I am! Alas for my flax! I've left it at +home unstript! + +LYSISTRATA. So, here's another trying to escape to go home and strip her +flax forsooth! + +SECOND WOMAN. Oh! I swear by the goddess of light, the instant I have put +it in condition I will come straight back. + +LYSISTRATA. You shall do nothing of the kind! If once you began, others +would want to follow suit. + +THIRD WOMAN. Oh! goddess divine, Ilithyia, patroness of women in labour, +stay, stay the birth, till I have reached a spot less hallowed than +Athene's Mount! + +LYSISTRATA. What mean you by these silly tales? + +THIRD WOMAN. I am going to have a child--now, this minute. + +LYSISTRATA. But you were not pregnant yesterday! + +THIRD WOMAN. Well, I am to-day. Oh! let me go in search of the midwife, +Lysistrata, quick, quick! + +LYSISTRATA. What is this fable you are telling me? Ah! what have you got +there so hard? + +THIRD WOMAN. A male child. + +LYSISTRATA. No, no, by Aphrodité! nothing of the sort! Why, it feels like +something hollow--a pot or a kettle. Oh! you baggage, if you have not got +the sacred helmet of Pallas--and you said you were with child! + +THIRD WOMAN. And so I am, by Zeus, I am! + +LYSISTRATA. Then why this helmet, pray? + +THIRD WOMAN. For fear my pains should seize me in the Acropolis; I mean +to lay my eggs in this helmet, as the doves do. + +LYSISTRATA. Excuses and pretences every word! the thing's as clear as +daylight. Anyway, you must stay here now till the fifth day, your day of +purification. + +THIRD WOMAN. I cannot sleep any more in the Acropolis, now I have seen +the snake that guards the Temple. + +FOURTH WOMAN. Ah! and those confounded owls with their dismal hooting! I +cannot get a wink of rest, and I'm just dying of fatigue. + +LYSISTRATA. You wicked women, have done with your falsehoods! You want +your husbands, that's plain enough. But don't you think they want you +just as badly? They are spending dreadful nights, oh! I know that well +enough. But hold out, my dears, hold out! A little more patience, and the +victory will be ours. An Oracle promises us success, if only we remain +united. Shall I repeat the words? + +FIRST WOMAN. Yes, tell us what the Oracle declares. + +LYSISTRATA. Silence then! Now--"Whenas the swallows, fleeing before the +hoopoes, shall have all flocked together in one place, and shall refrain +them from all amorous commerce, then will be the end of all the ills of +life; yea, and Zeus, which doth thunder in the skies, shall set above +what was erst below...." + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. What! shall the men be underneath? + +LYSISTRATA. "But if dissension do arise among the swallows, and they take +wing from the holy Temple, 'twill be said there is never a more wanton +bird in all the world." + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Ye gods! the prophecy is clear. Nay, never let us be +cast down by calamity! let us be brave to bear, and go back to our posts. +'Twere shameful indeed not to trust the promises of the Oracle. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. I want to tell you a fable they used to relate to me +when I was a little boy. This is it: Once upon a time there was a young +man called Melanion, who hated the thought of marriage so sorely that he +fled away to the wilds. So he dwelt in the mountains, wove himself nets, +kept a dog and caught hares. He never, never came back, he had such a +horror of women. As chaste as Melanion,[445] we loathe the jades just as +much as he did. + +AN OLD MAN. You dear old woman, I would fain kiss you. + +A WOMAN. I will set you crying without onions. + +OLD MAN. ... And give you a sound kicking. + +OLD WOMAN. Ah, ha! what a dense forest you have there! (_Pointing._) + +OLD MAN. So was Myronides one of the best-bearded of men o' this side; +his backside was all black, and he terrified his enemies as much as +Phormio.[446] + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. I want to tell you a fable too, to match yours about +Melanion. Once there was a certain man called Timon,[447] a tough +customer, and a whimsical, a true son of the Furies, with a face that +seemed to glare out of a thorn-bush. He withdrew from the world because +he couldn't abide bad men, after vomiting a thousand curses at 'em. He +had a holy horror of ill-conditioned fellows, but he was mighty tender +towards women. + +A WOMAN. Suppose I up and broke your jaw for you! + +AN OLD MAN. I am not a bit afraid of you. + +A WOMAN. Suppose I let fly a good kick at you? + +OLD MAN. I should see your backside then. + +WOMAN. You would see that, for all my age, it is very well attended to, +and all fresh singed smooth. + +LYSISTRATA. Ho there! come quick, come quick! + +FIRST WOMAN. What is it? Why these cries? + +LYSISTRATA. A man! a man! I see him approaching all afire with the flames +of love. Oh! divine Queen of Cyprus, Paphos and Cythera, I pray you still +be propitious to our emprise. + +FIRST WOMAN. Where is he, this unknown foe? + +LYSISTRATA. Yonder--beside the Temple of Demeter. + +FIRST WOMAN. Yes, indeed, I see him; but who is it? + +LYSISTRATA. Look, look! does any of you recognize him? + +FIRST WOMAN. I do, I do! 'tis my husband Cinesias. + +LYSISTRATA. To work then! Be it your task to inflame and torture and +torment him. Seductions, caresses, provocations, refusals, try every +means! Grant every favour,--always excepting what is forbidden by our +oath on the wine-bowl. + +MYRRHINÉ. Have no fear, I undertake the work. + +LYSISTRATA. Well, I will stay here to help you cajole the man and set his +passions aflame. The rest of you, withdraw. + +CINESIAS. Alas! alas! how I am tortured by spasm and rigid convulsion! +Oh! I am racked on the wheel! + +LYSISTRATA. Who is this that dares to pass our lines? + +CINESIAS. It is I. + +LYSISTRATA. What, a man? + +CINESIAS. Yes, no doubt about it, a man! + +LYSISTRATA. Begone! + +CINESIAS. But who are you that thus repulses me? + +LYSISTRATA. The sentinel of the day. + +CINESIAS. By all the gods, call Myrrhiné hither. + +LYSISTRATA. Call Myrrhiné hither, quotha? And pray, who are you? + +CINESIAS. I am her husband, Cinesias, son of Peon. + +LYSISTRATA. Ah! good day, my dear friend. Your name is not unknown +amongst us. Your wife has it for ever on her lips; and she never touches +an egg or an apple without saying: "'Twill be for Cinesias." + +CINESIAS. Really and truly? + +LYSISTRATA. Yes, indeed, by Aphrodité! And if we fall to talking of men, +quick your wife declares: "Oh! all the rest, they're good for nothing +compared with Cinesias." + +CINESIAS. Oh! I beseech you, go and call her to me. + +LYSISTRATA. And what will you give me for my trouble? + +CINESIAS. + +This, if you like (_handling his tool_). I will give you what I have +there! + +LYSISTRATA. Well, well, I will tell her to come. + +CINESIAS. Quick, oh! be quick! Life has no more charms for me since she +left my house. I am sad, sad, when I go indoors; it all seems so empty; +my victuals have lost their savour. Desire is eating out my heart! + +MYRRHINÉ. I love him, oh! I love him; but he won't let himself be loved. +No! I shall not come. + +CINESIAS. Myrrhiné, my little darling Myrrhiné, what are you saying? Come +down to me quick. + +MYRRHINÉ. No indeed, not I. + +CINESIAS. I call you, Myrrhiné, Myrrhiné; will you not come? + +MYRRHINÉ. Why should you call me? You do not want me. + +CINESIAS. Not want you! Why, my weapon stands stiff with desire! + +MYRRHINÉ. Good-bye. + +CINESIAS. Oh! Myrrhiné, Myrrhiné, in our child's name, hear me; at any +rate hear the child! Little lad, call your mother. + +CHILD. Mammy, mammy, mammy! + +CINESIAS. There, listen! Don't you pity the poor child? It's six days now +you've never washed and never fed the child. + +MYRRHINÉ. Poor darling, your father takes mighty little care of you! + +CINESIAS. Come down, dearest, come down for the child's sake. + +MYRRHINÉ. Ah! what a thing it is to be a mother! Well, well, we must come +down, I suppose. + +CINESIAS. Why, how much younger and prettier she looks! And how she looks +at me so lovingly! Her cruelty and scorn only redouble my passion. + +MYRRHINÉ. You are as sweet as your father is provoking! Let me kiss you, +my treasure, mother's darling! + +CINESIAS. Ah! what a bad thing it is to let yourself be led away by other +women! Why give me such pain and suffering, and yourself into the +bargain? + +MYRRHINÉ. Hands off, sir! + +CINESIAS. Everything is going to rack and ruin in the house. + +MYRRHINÉ. I don't care. + +CINESIAS. But your web that's all being pecked to pieces by the cocks and +hens, don't you care for that? + +MYRRHINÉ. Precious little. + +CINESIAS. And Aphrodite, whose mysteries you have not celebrated for so +long? Oh! won't you come back home? + +MYRRHINÉ. No, at least, not till a sound Treaty put an end to the War. + +CINESIAS. Well, if you wish it so much, why, we'll make it, your Treaty. + +MYRRHINÉ. Well and good! When that's done, I will come home. Till then, I +am bound by an oath. + +CINESIAS. At any rate, let's have a short time together. + +MYRRHINÉ. No, no, no! ... all the same I cannot say I don't love you. + +CINESIAS. You love me? Then why refuse what I ask, my little girl, my +sweet Myrrhiné. + +MYRRHINÉ. You must be joking! What, before the child! + +CINESIAS. Manes, carry the lad home. There, you see, the child is gone; +there's nothing to hinder us; let us to work! + +MYRRHINÉ. But, miserable man, where, where are we to do it? + +CINESIAS. In the cave of Pan; nothing could be better. + +MYRRHINÉ. But how to purify myself, before going back into the citadel? + +CINESIAS. Nothing easier! you can wash at the Clepsydra.[448] + +MYRRHINÉ. But my oath? Do you want me to perjure myself? + +CINESIAS. I take all responsibility; never make yourself anxious. + +MYRRHINÉ. Well, I'll be off, then, and find a bed for us. + +CINESIAS. Oh! 'tis not worth while; we can lie on the ground surely. + +MYRRHINÉ. No, no! bad man as you are, I don't like your lying on the bare +earth. + +CINESIAS. Ah! how the dear girl loves me! + +MYRRHINÉ (_coming back with a bed_). Come, get to bed quick; I am going +to undress. But, plague take it, we must get a mattress. + +CINESIAS. A mattress! Oh! no, never mind! + +MYRRHINÉ. No, by Artemis! lie on the bare sacking, never! That were too +squalid. + +CINESIAS. A kiss! + +MYRRHINÉ. Wait a minute! + +CINESIAS. Oh! by the great gods, be quick back! + +MYRRHINÉ (_coming back with a mattress_). Here is a mattress. Lie down, I +am just going to undress. But, but you've got no pillow. + +CINESIAS. I don't want one, no, no. + +MYRRHINÉ. But _I_ do. + +CINESIAS. Oh! dear, oh, dear! they treat my poor penis for all the world +like Heracles.[449] + +MYRRHINÉ (_coming back with a pillow_). There, lift your head, dear! + +CINESIAS. That's really everything. + +MYRRHINÉ. Is it everything, I wonder. + +CINESIAS. Come, my treasure. + +MYRRHINÉ. I am just unfastening my girdle. But remember what you promised +me about making Peace; mind you keep your word. + +CINESIAS. Yes, yes, upon my life I will. + +MYRRHINÉ. Why, you have no blanket. + +CINESIAS. Great Zeus! what matter of that? 'tis you I want to fuck. + +MYRRHINÉ Never fear--directly, directly! I'll be back in no time. + +CINESIAS. The woman will kill me with her blankets! + +MYRRHINÉ (_coming back with a blanket_). Now, get up for one moment. + +CINESIAS. But I tell you, our friend here is up--all stiff and ready! + +MYRRHINÉ. Would you like me to scent you? + +CINESIAS. No, by Apollo, no, please! + +MYRRHINÉ. Yes, by Aphrodité, but I will, whether you wish it or no. + +CINESIAS. Ah! great Zeus, may she soon be done! + +MYRRHINÉ (_coming back with a flask of perfume_). Hold out your hand; now +rub it in. + +CINESIAS. Oh! in Apollo's name, I don't much like the smell of it; but +perhaps 'twill improve when it's well rubbed in. It does not somehow +smack of the marriage bed! + +MYRRHINÉ. There, what a scatterbrain I am; if I have not brought Rhodian +perfumes![450] + +CINESIAS. Never mind, dearest, let be now. + +MYRRHINÉ. You are joking! + +CINESIAS. Deuce take the man who first invented perfumes, say I! + +MYRRHINÉ (_coming back with another flask_). Here, take this bottle. + +CINESIAS. I have a better all ready for your service, darling. Come, you +provoking creature, to bed with you, and don't bring another thing. + +MYRRHINÉ. Coming, coming; I'm just slipping off my shoes. Dear boy, will +you vote for peace? + +CINESIAS. I'll think about it. (_Myrrhiné runs away._) I'm a dead man, +she is killing me! She has gone, and left me in torment! I must have +someone to fuck, I must! Ah me! the loveliest of women has choused and +cheated me. Poor little lad (_addressing his penis_), how am I to give +you what you want so badly? Where is Cynalopex? quick, man, get him a +nurse, do![451] + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Poor, miserable wretch, baulked in your amorousness! +what tortures are yours! Ah! you fill me with pity. Could any man's back +and loins stand such a strain? His organ stands stiff and rigid, and +there's never a wench to help him! + +CINESIAS. Ye gods in heaven, what pains I suffer! + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Well, there it is; 'tis her doing, that abandoned +hussy! + +CINESIAS. Nay, nay! rather say that sweetest, dearest darling. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. That dearest darling? no, no, that hussy, say I! Zeus, +thou god of the skies, canst not let loose a hurricane, to sweep them all +up into the air, and whirl 'em round, then drop 'em down crash! and +impale them on the point of his weapon! + +A HERALD. Say, where shall I find the Senate and the Prytanes? I am +bearer of despatches. + +MAGISTRATE. But are you a man or a Priapus, pray?[452] + +HERALD. Oh! but he's mighty simple. I am a herald, of course, I swear I +am, and I come from Sparta about making peace. + +MAGISTRATE. But look, you are hiding a lance under your clothes, surely. + +HERALD. No, nothing of the sort. + +MAGISTRATE. Then why do you turn away like that, and hold your cloak out +from your body? Have you gotten swellings in the groin with your journey? + +HERALD. By the twin brethren! the man's an old maniac. + +MAGISTRATE. Ah, ha! my fine lad, why I can see it standing, oh fie! + +HERALD. I tell you no! but enough of this foolery. + +MAGISTRATE. Well, what is it you have there then? + +HERALD. A Lacedaemonian 'skytalé.'[453] + +MAGISTRATE. Oh, indeed, a 'skytalé,' is it? Well, well, speak out +frankly; I know all about these matters. How are things going at Sparta +now? + +HERALD. Why, everything is turned upside down at Sparta; and all the +allies are half dead with lusting. We simply must have Pellené.[454] + +MAGISTRATE. What is the reason of it all? Is it the god Pan's doing? + +HERALD. No, but Lampito's and the Spartan women's, acting at her +instigation; they have denied the men all access to their cunts. + +MAGISTRATE. But whatever do you do? + +HERALD. We are at our wits' end; we walk bent double, just as if we were +carrying lanterns in a wind. The jades have sworn we shall not so much as +touch their cunts till we have all agreed to conclude peace. + +MAGISTRATE. Ha, ha! So I see now, 'tis a general conspiracy embracing all +Greece. Go you back to Sparta and bid them send Envoys with plenary +powers to treat for peace. I will urge our Senators myself to name +Plenipotentiaries from us; and to persuade them, why, I will show them +this. (_Pointing to his erect penis._) + +HERALD. What could be better? I fly at your command. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. No wild beast is there, no flame of fire, more fierce +and untameable than woman; the panther is less savage and shameless. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. And yet you dare to make war upon me, wretch, when you +might have me for your most faithful friend and ally. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Never, never can my hatred cease towards women. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Well, please yourself. Still I cannot bear to leave you +all naked as you are; folks would laugh at me. Come, I am going to put +this tunic on you. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. You are right, upon my word! it was only in my +confounded fit of rage I took it off. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Now at any rate you look like a man, and they won't make +fun of you. Ah! if you had not offended me so badly, I would take out +that nasty insect you have in your eye for you. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah! so that's what was annoying me so! Look, here's a +ring, just remove the insect, and show it me. By Zeus! it has been +hurting my eye this ever so long. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Well, I agree, though your manners are not over and +above pleasant. Oh! what a huge great gnat! just look! It's from +Tricorysus, for sure.[455] + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. A thousand thanks! the creature was digging a regular +well in my eye; now it's gone, my tears flow freely. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. I will wipe them for you--bad, naughty man though you +are. Now, just one kiss. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. No--a kiss, certainly not! + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Just one, whether you like it or not. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Oh! those confounded women! how they do cajole us! How +true the saying: "'Tis impossible to live with the baggages, impossible +to live without 'em"! Come, let us agree for the future not to regard +each other any more as enemies; and to clinch the bargain, let us sing a +choric song. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. We desire, Athenians, to speak ill of no man; but on the +contrary to say much good of everyone, and to _do_ the like. We have had +enough of misfortunes and calamities. Is there any, man or woman, wants a +bit of money--two or three minas or so;[456] well, our purse is full. If +only peace is concluded, the borrower will not have to pay back. Also I'm +inviting to supper a few Carystian friends,[457] who are excellently well +qualified. I have still a drop of good soup left, and a young porker I'm +going to kill, and the flesh will be sweet and tender. I shall expect you +at my house to-day; but first away to the baths with you, you and your +children; then come all of you, ask no one's leave, but walk straight up, +as if you were at home; never fear, the door will be ... shut in your +faces![458] + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah! here come the Envoys from Sparta with their long +flowing beards; why, you would think they wore a cage[459] between their +thighs. (_Enter the Lacedaemonian Envoys._) Hail to you, first of all, +Laconians; then tell us how you fare. + +A LACONIAN. No need for many words; you see what a state we are in. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Alas! the situation grows more and more strained! the +intensity of the thing is just frightful. + +LACONIAN. 'Tis beyond belief. But to work! summon your Commissioners, and +let us patch up the best peace we may. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah! our men too, like wrestlers in the arena, cannot +endure a rag over their bellies; 'tis an athlete's malady, which only +exercise can remedy. + +AN ATHENIAN. Can anybody tell us where Lysistrata is? Surely she will +have some compassion on our condition. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Look! 'tis the very same complaint. (_Addressing the +Athenian._) Don't you feel of mornings a strong nervous tension? + +ATHENIAN. Yes, and a dreadful, dreadful torture it is! Unless peace is +made very soon, we shall find no resource but to fuck Clisthenes.[460] + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Take my advice, and put on your clothes again; one of +the fellows who mutilated the Hermae[461] might see you. + +ATHENIAN. You are right. + +LACONIAN. Quite right. There, I will slip on my tunic. + +ATHENIAN. Oh! what a terrible state we are in! Greeting to you, Laconian +fellow-sufferers. + +LACONIAN (_addressing one of his countrymen_). Ah! my boy, what a thing +it would have been if these fellows had seen us just now when our tools +were on full stand! + +ATHENIAN. Speak out, Laconians, what is it brings you here? + +LACONIAN. We have come to treat for peace. + +ATHENIAN. Well said; we are of the same mind. Better call Lysistrata +then; she is the only person will bring us to terms. + +LACONIAN. Yes, yes--and Lysistratus into the bargain, if you will. + +CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Needless to call her; she has heard your voices, and +here she comes. + +ATHENIAN. Hail, boldest and bravest of womankind! The time is come to +show yourself in turn uncompromising and conciliatory, exacting and +yielding, haughty and condescending. Call up all your skill and +artfulness. Lo! the foremost men in Hellas, seduced by your fascinations, +are agreed to entrust you with the task of ending their quarrels. + +LYSISTRATA. 'Twill be an easy task--if only they refrain from mutual +indulgence in masculine love; if they do, I shall know the fact at once. +Now, where is the gentle goddess Peace? Lead hither the Laconian Envoys. +But, look you, no roughness or violence; our husbands always behaved so +boorishly.[462] Bring them to me with smiles, as women should. If any +refuse to give you his hand, then catch him by the penis and draw him +politely forward. Bring up the Athenians too; you may take them just how +you will. Laconians, approach; and you, Athenians, on my other side. Now +hearken all! I am but a woman; but I have good common sense; Nature has +dowered me with discriminating judgment, which I have yet further +developed, thanks to the wise teachings of my father and the elders of +the city. First I must bring a reproach against you that applies equally +to both sides. At Olympia, and Thermopylae, and Delphi, and a score of +other places too numerous to mention, you celebrate before the same +altars ceremonies common to all Hellenes; yet you go cutting each other's +throats, and sacking Hellenic cities, when all the while the Barbarian is +yonder threatening you! That is my first point. + +ATHENIAN. Ah, ah! concupiscence is killing me! + +LYSISTRATA. Now 'tis to you I address myself, Laconians. Have you +forgotten how Periclides,[463] your own countryman, sat a suppliant +before our altars? How pale he was in his purple robes! He had come to +crave an army of us; 'twas the time when Messenia was pressing you sore, +and the Sea-god was shaking the earth. Cimon marched to your aid at the +head of four thousand hoplites, and saved Lacedaemon. And, after such a +service as that, you ravage the soil of your benefactors! + +ATHENIAN. They do wrong, very wrong, Lysistrata. + +LACONIAN. We do wrong, very wrong. Ah! great gods! what lovely thighs she +has! + +LYSISTRATA. And now a word to the Athenians. Have you no memory left of +how, in the days when ye wore the tunic of slaves, the Laconians came, +spear in hand, and slew a host of Thessalians and partisans of Hippias +the Tyrant? They, and they only, fought on your side on that eventful +day; they delivered you from despotism, and thanks to them our Nation +could change the short tunic of the slave for the long cloak of the free +man. + +LACONIAN. I have never seen a woman of more gracious dignity. + +ATHENIAN. I have never seen a woman with a finer cunt! + +LYSISTRATA. Bound by such ties of mutual kindness, how can you bear to be +at war? Stop, stay the hateful strife, be reconciled; what hinders you? + +LACONIAN. We are quite ready, if they will give us back our rampart. + +LYSISTRATA. What rampart, my dear man? + +LACONIAN. Pylos, which we have been asking for and craving for ever so +long. + +ATHENIAN. In the Sea-god's name, you shall never have it! + +LYSISTRATA. Agree, my friends, agree. + +ATHENIAN. But then what city shall we be able to stir up trouble in? + +LYSISTRATA. Ask for another place in exchange. + +ATHENIAN. Ah! that's the ticket! Well, to begin with, give us Echinus, +the Maliac gulf adjoining, and the two legs of Megara.[464] + +LACONIAN. Oh! surely, surely not all that, my dear sir. + +LYSISTRATA. Come to terms; never make a difficulty of two legs more or +less! + +ATHENIAN. Well, I'm ready now to off coat and cultivate my land. + +LACONIAN. And I too, to dung it to start with. + +LYSISTRATA. That's just what you shall do, once peace is signed. So, if +you really want to make it, go consult your allies about the matter. + +ATHENIAN. What allies, I should like to know? Why, we are _all_ on the +stand; not one but is mad to be fucking. What we all want, is to be abed +with our wives; how should our allies fail to second our project? + +LACONIAN. And ours the same, for certain sure! + +ATHENIANS. The Carystians first and foremost, by the gods! + +LYSISTRATA. Well said, indeed! Now be off to purify yourselves for +entering the Acropolis, where the women invite you to supper; we will +empty our provision baskets to do you honour. At table, you will exchange +oaths and pledges; then each man will go home with his wife. + +ATHENIAN. Come along then, and as quick as may be. + +LACONIAN. Lead on; I'm your man. + +ATHENIAN. Quick, quick's the word, say I. + +CHORUS OF WOMEN. Embroidered stuffs, and dainty tunics, and flowing +gowns, and golden ornaments, everything I have, I offer them you with all +my heart; take them all for your children, for your girls, against they +are chosen "basket-bearers" to the goddess. I invite you every one to +enter, come in and choose whatever you will; there is nothing so well +fastened, you cannot break the seals, and carry away the contents. Look +about you everywhere ... you won't find a blessed thing, unless you have +sharper eyes than mine.[465] And if any of you lacks corn to feed his +slaves and his young and numerous family, why, I have a few grains of +wheat at home; let him take what I have to give, a big twelve-pound loaf +included. So let my poorer neighbours all come with bags and wallets; my +man, Manes, shall give them corn; but I warn them not to come near my +door, or--beware the dog![465] + +A MARKET-LOUNGER. I say, you, open the door! + +A SLAVE. Go your way, I tell you. Why, bless me, they're sitting down +now; I shall have to singe 'em with my torch to make 'em stir! What an +impudent lot of fellows! + +MARKET-LOUNGER. I don't mean to budge. + +SLAVE. Well, as you _must_ stop, and I don't want to offend you--but +you'll see some queer sights. + +MARKET-LOUNGER. Well and good, I've no objection. + +SLAVE. No, no, you must be off--or I'll tear your hair out, I will; be +off, I say, and don't annoy the Laconian Envoys; they're just coming out +from the banquet-hall. + +AN ATHENIAN. Such a merry banquet I've never seen before! The Laconians +were simply charming. After the drink is in, why, we're all wise men, +all. It's only natural, to be sure, for sober, we're all fools. Take my +advice, my fellow-countrymen, our Envoys should always be drunk. We go to +Sparta; we enter the city sober; why, we must be picking a quarrel +directly. We don't understand what they say to us, we imagine a lot they +don't say at all, and we report home all wrong, all topsy-turvy. But, +look you, to-day it's quite different; we're enchanted whatever happens; +instead of Clitagoras, they might sing us Telamon,[466] and we should +clap our hands just the same. A perjury or two into the bargain, la! what +does that matter to merry companions in their cups? + +SLAVE. But here they are back again! Will you begone, you loafing +scoundrels. + +MARKET-LOUNGER. Ah ha! here's the company coming out already. + +A LACONIAN. My dear, sweet friend, come, take your flute in hand; I would +fain dance and sing my best in honour of the Athenians and our noble +selves. + +AN ATHENIAN. Yes, take your flute, i' the gods' name. What a delight to +see him dance! + +CHORUS OF LACONIANS. Oh Mnemosyné! inspire these men, inspire my muse who +knows our exploits and those of the Athenians. With what a godlike ardour +did they swoop down at Artemisium[467] on the ships of the Medes! What a +glorious victory was that! For the soldiers of Leonidas,[468] they were +like fierce wild-boars whetting their tushes. The sweat ran down their +faces, and drenched all their limbs, for verily the Persians were as many +as the sands of the seashore. Oh! Artemis, huntress queen, whose arrows +pierce the denizens of the woods, virgin goddess, be thou favourable to +the Peace we here conclude; through thee may our hearts be long united! +May this treaty draw close for ever the bonds of a happy friendship! No +more wiles and stratagems! Aid us, oh! aid us, maiden huntress! + +LYSISTRATA. All is for the best; and now, Laconians, take your wives away +home with you, and you, Athenians, yours. May husband live happily with +wife, and wife with husband. Dance, dance, to celebrate our bliss, and +let us be heedful to avoid like mistakes for the future. + +CHORUS OF ATHENIANS Appear, appear, dancers, and the Graces with you! Let +us invoke, one and all, Artemis, and her heavenly brother, gracious +Apollo, patron of the dance, and Dionysus, whose eye darts flame, as he +steps forward surrounded by the Maenad maids, and Zeus, who wields the +flashing lightning, and his august, thrice-blessed spouse, the Queen of +Heaven! These let us invoke, and all the other gods, calling all the +inhabitants of the skies to witness the noble Peace now concluded under +the fond auspices of Aphrodité. Io Paean! Io Paean! dance, leap, as in +honour of a victory won. Evoé! Evoé! And you, our Laconian guests, sing +us a new and inspiring strain! + +CHORUS OF LACONIANS. Leave once more, oh! leave once more the noble +height of Taygetus, oh! Muse of Lacedaemon, and join us in singing the +praises of Apollo of Amyclae, and Athena of the Brazen House, and the +gallant twin sons of Tyndarus, who practise arms on the banks of Eurotas +river.[469] Haste, haste hither with nimble-footed pace, let us sing +Sparta, the city that delights in choruses divinely sweet and graceful +dances, when our maidens bound lightly by the river side, like frolicsome +fillies, beating the ground with rapid steps and shaking their long locks +in the wind, as Bacchantes wave their wands in the wild revels of the +Wine-god. At their head, oh! chaste and beauteous goddess, daughter of +Latona, Artemis, do thou lead the song and dance. A fillet binding thy +waving tresses, appear in thy loveliness; leap like a fawn; strike thy +divine hands together to animate the dance, and aid us to renown the +valiant goddess of battles, great Athené of the Brazen House! + + * * * * * + +FINIS OF "LYSISTRATA" + + * * * * * + +Footnotes: + +[390] At Athens more than anywhere the festivals of Bacchus (Dionysus) +were celebrated with the utmost pomp--and also with the utmost licence, +not to say licentiousness. + +Pan---the rustic god and king of the Satyrs; his feast was similarly an +occasion of much coarse self-indulgence. + +Aphrodité Colias--under this name the goddess was invoked by courtesans +as patroness of sensual, physical love. She had a temple on the +promontory of Colias, on the Attic coast--whence the surname. + +The Genetyllides were minor deities, presiding over the act of +generation, as the name indicates. Dogs were offered in sacrifice to +them--presumably because of the lubricity of that animal. + +At the festivals of Dionysus, Pan and Aphrodité women used to perform +lascivious dances to the accompaniment of the beating of tambourines. +Lysistrata implies that the women she had summoned to council cared +really for nothing but wanton pleasures. + +[391] An obscene _double entendre_; Calonicé understands, or pretends to +understand, Lysistrata as meaning a long and thick "membrum virile"! + +[392] The eels from Lake Copaïs in Boeotia were esteemed highly by +epicures. + +[393] This is the reproach Demosthenes constantly levelled against his +Athenian fellow-countrymen--their failure to seize opportunity. + +[394] An island of the Saronic Gulf, lying between Magara and Attica. It +was separated by a narrow strait--scene of the naval battle of Salamis, +in which the Athenians defeated Xerxes--only from the Attic coast, and +was subject to Athens. + +[395] A deme, or township, of Attica, lying five or six miles north of +Athens. The Acharnians were throughout the most extreme partisans of the +warlike party during the Peloponnesian struggle. See 'The Acharnians.' + +[396] The precise reference is uncertain, and where the joke exactly +comes in. The Scholiast says Theagenes was a rich, miserly and +superstitious citizen, who never undertook any enterprise without first +consulting an image of Hecaté, the distributor of honour and wealth +according to popular belief; and his wife would naturally follow her +husband's example. + +[397] A deme of Attica, a small and insignificant community--a 'Little +Pedlington' in fact. + +[398] In allusion to the gymnastic training which was _de rigueur_ at +Sparta for the women no less than the men, and in particular to the dance +of the Lacedaemonian girls, in which the performer was expected to kick +the fundament with the heels--always a standing joke among the Athenians +against their rivals and enemies the Spartans. + +[399] The allusion, of course, is to the 'garden of love,' the female +parts, which it was the custom with the Greek women, as it is with the +ladies of the harem in Turkey to this day, to depilate scrupulously, with +the idea of making themselves more attractive to men. + +[400] Corinth was notorious in the Ancient world for its prostitutes and +general dissoluteness. + +[401] An Athenian general strongly suspected of treachery; Aristophanes +pretends his own soldiers have to see that he does not desert to the +enemy. + +[402] A town and fortress on the west coast of Messenia, south-east part +of Peloponnese, at the northern extremity of the bay of Sphacteria--the +scene by the by of the modern naval battle of Navarino--in Lacedaemonian +territory; it had been seized by the Athenian fleet, and was still in +their possession at the date, 412 B.C., of the representation of the +'Lysistrata,' though two years later, in the twenty-second year of the +War, it was recovered by Sparta. + +[403] The Athenian women, rightly or wrongly, had the reputation of being +over fond of wine. Aristophanes, here and elsewhere, makes many jests on +this weakness of theirs. + +[404] The lofty range of hills overlooking Sparta from the west. + +[405] In the original "we are nothing but Poseidon and a boat"; the +allusion is to a play of Sophocles, now lost, but familiar to +Aristophanes' audience, entitled 'Tyro,' in which the heroine, Tyro, +appears with Poseidon, the sea-god, at the beginning of the tragedy, and +at the close with the two boys she had had by him, whom she exposes in an +open boat. + +[406] "By the two goddesses,"--a woman's oath, which recurs constantly in +this play; the two goddesses are always Demeter and Proserpine. + +[407] One of the Cyclades, between Naxos and Cos, celebrated, like the +latter, for its manufacture of fine, almost transparent silks, worn in +Greece, and later at Rome, by women of loose character. + +[408] The proverb, quoted by Pherecrates, is properly spoken of those who +go out of their way to do a thing already done--"to kill a dead horse," +but here apparently is twisted by Aristophanes into an allusion to the +leathern 'godemiche' mentioned a little above; if the worst comes to the +worst, we must use artificial means. Pherecrates was a comic playwright, +a contemporary of Aristophanes. + +[409] Literally "our Scythian woman." At Athens, policemen and ushers in +the courts were generally Scythians; so the revolting women must have +_their_ Scythian "Usheress" too. + +[410] In allusion to the oath which the seven allied champions before +Thebes take upon a buckler, in Aeschylus' tragedy of 'The Seven against +Thebes,' v. 42. + +[411] A volcanic island in the northern part of the Aegaean, celebrated +for its vineyards. + +[412] The old men are carrying faggots and fire to burn down the gates of +the Acropolis, and supply comic material by their panting and wheezing as +they climb the steep approaches to the fortress and puff and blow at +their fires. Aristophanes gives them names, purely fancy ones--Draces, +Strymodorus, Philurgus, Laches. + +[413] Cleomenes, King of Sparta, had in the preceding century commanded a +Lacedaemonian expedition against Athens. At the invitation of the +Alcmaeonidae, enemies of the sons of Peisistratus, he seized the +Acropolis, but after an obstinately contested siege was forced to +capitulate and retire. + +[414] Lemnos was proverbial with the Greeks for chronic misfortune and a +succession of horrors and disasters. Can any good thing come out of +_Lemnos_? + +[415] That is, a friend of the Athenian people; Samos had just before the +date of the play re-established the democracy and renewed the old +alliance with Athens. + +[416] A second Chorus enters--of women who are hurrying up with water to +extinguish the fire just started by the Chorus of old men. Nicodicé, +Calycé, Crityllé, Rhodippé, are fancy names the poet gives to different +members of the band. Another, Stratyllis, has been stopped by the old men +on her way to rejoin her companions. + +[417] Bupalus was a celebrated contemporary sculptor, a native of +Clazomenae. The satiric poet Hipponax, who was extremely ugly, having +been portrayed by Bupalus as even more unsightly-looking than the +reality, composed against the artist so scurrilous an invective that the +latter hung himself in despair. Apparently Aristophanes alludes here to a +verse in which Hipponax threatened to beat Bupalus. + +[418] The Heliasts at Athens were the body of citizens chosen by lot to +act as jurymen (or, more strictly speaking, as judges and jurymen, the +Dicast, or so-called Judge, being merely President of the Court, the +majority of the Heliasts pronouncing sentence) in the Heliaia, or High +Court, where all offences liable to public prosecution were tried. They +were 6000 in number, divided into ten panels of 500 each, a thousand +being held in reserve to supply occasional vacancies. Each Heliast was +paid three obols for each day's attendance in court. + +[419] Women only celebrated the festivals of Adonis. These rites were not +performed in public, but on the terraces and flat roofs of the houses. + +[420] The Assembly, or Ecclesia, was the General Parliament of the +Athenian people, in which every adult citizen had a vote. It met on the +Pnyx hill, where the assembled Ecclesiasts were addressed from the Bema, +or speaking-block. + +[421] An orator and statesman who had first proposed the disastrous +Sicilian Expedition, of 415-413 B.C. This was on the first day of the +festival of Adonis--ever afterwards regarded by the Athenians as a day of +ill omen. + +[422] An island in the Ionian Sea, on the west of Greece, near +Cephalenia, and an ally of Athens during the Peloponnesian War. + +[423] Cholozyges, a nickname for Demostratus. + +[424] The State treasure was kept in the Acropolis, which the women had +seized. + +[425] The second (mythical) king of Athens, successor of Cecrops. + +[426] The leader of the Revolution which resulted in the temporary +overthrow of the Democracy at Athens (413, 412 B.C.), and the +establishment of the Oligarchy of the Four Hundred. + +[427] Priests of Cybelé, who indulged in wild, frenzied dances, to the +accompaniment of the clashing of cymbals, in their celebrations in honour +of the goddess. + +[428] Captain of a cavalry division; they were chosen from amongst the +_Hippeis_, or 'Knights' at Athens. + +[429] In allusion to a play of Euripides, now lost, with this title. +Tereus was son of Ares and king of the Thracians in Daulis. + +[430] An allusion to the disastrous Sicilian Expedition (415-413 B.C.), +in which many thousands of Athenian citizens perished. + +[431] The dead were laid out at Athens before the house door. + +[432] An offering made to the Manes of the deceased on the third day +after the funeral. + +[433] Hippias and Hipparchus, the two sons of Pisistratus, known as the +Pisistratidae, became Tyrants of Athens upon their father's death in 527 +B.C. In 514 the latter was assassinated by the conspirators, Harmodius +and Aristogiton, who took the opportunity of the Panathenaic festival and +concealed their daggers in myrtle wreaths. They were put to death, but +four years later the surviving Tyrant Hippias was expelled, and the young +and noble martyrs to liberty were ever after held in the highest honour +by their fellow-citizens. Their statues stood in the Agora or Public +Market-Square. + +[434] That is, the three obols paid for attendance as a Heliast at the +High Court. + +[435] See above, under note 3 [433. Transcriber.]. + +[436] The origin of the name was this: in ancient days a tame bear +consecrated to Artemis, the huntress goddess, it seems, devoured a young +girl, whose brothers killed the offender. Artemis was angered and sent a +terrible pestilence upon the city, which only ceased when, by direction +of the oracle, a company of maidens was dedicated to the deity, to act +the part of she-bears in the festivities held annually in her honour at +the _Brauronia_, her festival so named from the deme of Brauron in +Attica. + +[437] The Basket-Bearers, Canephoroi, at Athens were the maidens who, +clad in flowing robes, carried in baskets on their heads the sacred +implements and paraphernalia in procession at the celebrations in honour +of Demeter, Dionysus and Athené. + +[438] A treasure formed by voluntary contributions at the time of the +Persian Wars; by Aristophanes' day it had all been dissipated, through +the influence of successive demagogues, in distributions and gifts to the +public under various pretexts. + +[439] A town and fortress of Southern Attica, in the neighbourhood of +Marathon, occupied by the Alcmaeonidae--the noble family or clan at +Athens banished from the city in 595 B.C., restored 560, but again +expelled by Pisistratus--in the course of their contest with that Tyrant. +Returning to Athens on the death of Hippias (510 B.C.), they united with +the democracy, and the then head of the family, Cleisthenes, gave a new +constitution to the city. + +[440] Queen of Halicarnassus, in Caria; an ally of the Persian King +Xerxes in his invasion of Greece; she fought gallantly at the battle of +Salamis. + +[441] A _double entendre_--with allusion to the posture in sexual +intercourse known among the Greeks as [Greek: hippos], in Latin 'equus,' +the horse, where the woman mounts the man in reversal of the ordinary +position. + +[442] Micon, a famous Athenian painter, decorated the walls of the +Poecilé Stoa, or Painted Porch, at Athens with a series of frescoes +representing the battles of the Amazons with Theseus and the Athenians. + +[443] To avenge itself on the eagle, the beetle threw the former's eggs +out of the nest and broke them. See the Fables of Aesop. + +[444] Keeper of a house of ill fame apparently. + +[445] "As chaste as Melanion" was a Greek proverb. Who Melanion was is +unknown. + +[446] Myronides and Phormio were famous Athenian generals. The former was +celebrated for his conquest of all Boeotia, except Thebes, in 458 B.C.; +the latter, with a fleet of twenty triremes, equipped at his own cost, +defeated a Lacedaemonian fleet of forty-seven sail, in 429. + +[447] Timon, the misanthrope; he was an Athenian and a contemporary of +Aristophanes. Disgusted by the ingratitude of his fellow-citizens and +sickened with repeated disappointments, he retired altogether from +society, admitting no one, it is said, to his intimacy except the +brilliant young statesman Alcibiades. + +[448] A spring so named within the precincts of the Acropolis. + +[449] The comic poets delighted in introducing Heracles (Hercules) on the +stage as an insatiable glutton, whom the other characters were for ever +tantalizing by promising toothsome dishes and then making him wait +indefinitely for their arrival. + +[450] The Rhodian perfumes and unguents were less esteemed than the +Syrian. + +[451] 'Dog-fox,' nickname of a certain notorious Philostratus, keeper of +an Athenian brothel of note in Aristophanes' day. + +[452] The god of gardens--and of lubricity; represented by a grotesque +figure with an enormous penis. + +[453] A staff in use among the Lacedaemonians for writing cipher +despatches. A strip of leather or paper was wound round the 'skytalé,' on +which the required message was written lengthwise, so that when unrolled +it became unintelligible; the recipient abroad had a staff of the same +thickness and pattern, and so was enabled by rewinding the document to +decipher the words. + +[454] A city of Achaia, the acquisition of which had long been an object +of Lacedaemonian ambition. To make the joke intelligible here, we must +suppose Pellené was also the name of some notorious courtesan of the day. + +[455] A deme of Attica, abounding in woods and marshes, where the gnats +were particularly troublesome. There is very likely also an allusion to +the spiteful, teasing character of its inhabitants. + +[456] A mina was a little over £4; 60 minas made a talent. + +[457] Carystus was a city of Euboea notorious for the dissoluteness of +its inhabitants; hence the inclusion of these Carystian youths in the +women's invitation. + +[458] A [Greek: para prosdokian]; i.e. exactly the opposite of the word +expected is used to conclude the sentence--to move the sudden hilarity of +the audience as a finale to the scene. + +[459] A wattled cage or pen for pigs. + +[460] An effeminate, a pathic; failing women, they will have to resort to +pederasty. + +[461] These _Hermae_ were half-length figures of the god Hermes, which +stood at the corners of streets and in public places at Athens. One +night, just before the sailing of the Sicilian Expedition, they were all +mutilated--to the consternation of the inhabitants. Alcibiades and his +wild companions were suspected of the outrage. + +[462] They had repeatedly dismissed with scant courtesy successive +Lacedaemonian embassies coming to propose terms of peace after the +notable Athenian successes at Pylos, when the Island of Sphacteria was +captured and 600 Spartan citizens brought prisoners to Athens. This was +in 425 B.C., the seventh year of the War. + +[463] Chief of the Lacedaemonian embassy which came to Athens, after the +earthquake of 464 B.C., which almost annihilated the town of Sparta, to +invoke the help of the Athenians against the revolted Messenians and +helots. + +[464] Echinus was a town on the Thessalian coast, at the entrance to the +Maliac Gulf, near Thermopylae and opposite the northern end of the +Athenian island of Euboea. By the "legs of Megara" are meant the two +"long walls" or lines of fortification connecting the city of Megara with +its seaport Nisaea--in the same way as Piraeus was joined to Athens. + +[465] Examples of [Greek: para prosdokian] again; see above. + +[466] Clitagoras was a composer of drinking songs, Telamon of war songs. + +[467] Here, off the north coast of Euboea, the Greeks defeated the +Persians in a naval battle, 480 B.C. + +[468] The hero of Thermopylae, where the 300 Athenians arrested the +advance of the invading hosts of Xerxes in the same year. + +[469] Amyclae, an ancient town on the Eurotas within two or three miles +of Sparta, the traditional birthplace of Castor and Pollux; here stood a +famous and magnificent Temple of Apollo. + +"Of the Brazen House," a surname of Athené, from the Temple dedicated to +her worship at Chalcis in Euboea, the walls of which were covered with +plates of brass. + +Sons of Tyndarus, that is, Castor and Pollux, "the great twin brethren," +held in peculiar reverence at Sparta. + + + + + + +THE CLOUDS + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +The satire in this, one of the best known of all Aristophanes' comedies, +is directed against the new schools of philosophy, or perhaps we should +rather say dialectic, which had lately been introduced, mostly from +abroad, at Athens. The doctrines held up to ridicule are those of the +'Sophists'--such men as Thrasymachus from Chalcedon in Bithynia, Gorgias +from Leontini in Sicily, Protagoras from Abdera in Thrace, and other +foreign scholars and rhetoricians who had flocked to Athens as the +intellectual centre of the Hellenic world. Strange to say, Socrates of +all people, the avowed enemy and merciless critic of these men and their +methods, is taken as their representative, and personally attacked with +pitiless raillery. Presumably this was merely because he was the most +prominent and noteworthy teacher and thinker of the day, while his +grotesque personal appearance and startling eccentricities of behaviour +gave a ready handle to caricature. Neither the author nor his audience +took the trouble, or were likely to take the trouble, to discriminate +nicely; there was, of course, a general resemblance between the Socratic +'elenchos' and the methods of the new practitioners of dialectic; and +this was enough for stage purposes. However unjustly, Socrates is taken +as typical of the newfangled sophistical teachers, just as in 'The +Acharnians' Lamachus, with his Gorgon shield, is introduced as +representative of the War party, though that general was not specially +responsible for the continuance of hostilities more than anybody else. + +Aristophanes' point of view, as a member of the aristocratical party and +a fine old Conservative, is that these Sophists, as the professors of the +new education had come to be called, and Socrates as their protagonist, +were insincere and dangerous innovators, corrupting morals, persuading +young men to despise the old-fashioned, home-grown virtues of the State +and teaching a system of false and pernicious tricks of verbal fence +whereby anything whatever could be proved, and the worse be made to seem +the better--provided always sufficient payment were forthcoming. True, +Socrates refused to take money from his pupils, and made it his chief +reproach against the lecturing Sophists that they received fees; but what +of that? The Comedian cannot pay heed to such fine distinctions, but +belabours the whole tribe with indiscriminate raillery and scurrility. + +The play was produced at the Great Dionysia in 423 B.C., but proved +unsuccessful, Cratinus and Amipsias being awarded first and second prize. +This is said to have been due to the intrigues and influence of +Alcibiades, who resented the caricature of himself presented in the +sporting Phidippides. A second edition of the drama was apparently +produced some years later, to which the 'Parabasis' of the play as we +possess it must belong, as it refers to events subsequent to the date +named. + +The plot is briefly as follows: Strepsiades, a wealthy country gentleman, +has been brought to penury and deeply involved in debt by the +extravagance and horsy tastes of his son Phidippides. Having heard of the +wonderful new art of argument, the royal road to success in litigation, +discovered by the Sophists, he hopes that, if only he can enter the +'Phrontisterion,' or Thinking-Shop, of Socrates, he will learn how to +turn the tables on his creditors and avoid paying the debts which are +dragging him down. He joins the school accordingly, but is found too old +and stupid to profit by the lessons. So his son Phidippides is +substituted as a more promising pupil. The latter takes to the new +learning like a duck to water, and soon shows what progress he has made +by beating his father and demonstrating that he is justified by all laws, +divine and human, in what he is doing. This opens the old man's eyes, who +sets fire to the 'Phrontisterion,' and the play ends in a great +conflagration of this home of humbug. + + * * * * * + +THE CLOUDS + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +STREPSIADES. +PHIDIPPIDES. +SERVANT OF STREPSIADES. +SOCRATES. +DISCIPLES OF SOCRATES. +JUST DISCOURSE. +UNJUST DISCOURSE. +PASIAS, a Money-lender. +PASIAS' WITNESS. +AMYNIAS, another Money-lender. +CHAEREPHON. +CHORUS OF CLOUDS. + +SCENE: A sleeping-room in Strepsiades' house; then in front of Socrates' +house. + + * * * * * + +THE CLOUDS + + +STREPSIADES.[470] Great gods! will these nights never end? will daylight +never come? I heard the cock crow long ago and my slaves are snoring +still! Ah! 'twas not so formerly. Curses on the War! has it not done me +ills enough? Now I may not even chastise my own slaves.[471] Again +there's this brave lad, who never wakes the whole long night, but, +wrapped in his five coverlets, farts away to his heart's content. Come! +let me nestle in well and snore too, if it be possible ... oh! misery, +'tis vain to think of sleep with all these expenses, this stable, these +debts, which are devouring me, thanks to this fine cavalier, who only +knows how to look after his long locks, to show himself off in his +chariot and to dream of horses! And I, I am nearly dead, when I see the +moon bringing the third decade in her train[472] and my liability falling +due.... Slave! light the lamp and bring me my tablets. Who are all my +creditors? Let me see and reckon up the interest. What is it I owe? ... +Twelve minae to Pasias.... What! twelve minae to Pasias? ... Why did I +borrow these? Ah! I know! 'Twas to buy that thoroughbred, which cost me +so dear.[473] How I should have prized the stone that had blinded him! + +PHIDIPPIDES (_in his sleep_). That's not fair, Philo! Drive your chariot +straight,[474] I say. + +STREPSIADES. 'Tis this that is destroying me. He raves about horses, even +in his sleep. + +PHIDIPPIDES (_still sleeping_). How many times round the track is the +race for the chariots of war?[475] + +STREPSIADES. 'Tis your own father you are driving to death ... to ruin. +Come! what debt comes next, after that of Pasias? ... Three minae to +Amynias for a chariot and its two wheels. + +PHIDIPPIDES (_still asleep_). Give the horse a good roll in the dust and +lead him home. + +STREPSIADES. Ah! wretched boy! 'tis my money that you are making roll. My +creditors have distrained on my goods, and here are others again, who +demand security for their interest. + +PHIDIPPIDES (_awaking_). What is the matter with you, father, that you +groan and turn about the whole night through? + +STREPSIADES. I have a bum-bailiff in the bedclothes biting me. + +PHIDIPPIDES. For pity's sake, let me have a little sleep. + +STREPSIADES. Very well, sleep on! but remember that all these debts will +fall back on your shoulders. Oh! curses on the go-between who made me +marry your mother! I lived so happily in the country, a commonplace, +everyday life, but a good and easy one--had not a trouble, not a care, +was rich in bees, in sheep and in olives. Then forsooth I must marry the +niece of Megacles, the son of Megacles; I belonged to the country, she +was from the town; she was a haughty, extravagant woman, a true +Coesyra.[476] On the nuptial day, when I lay beside her, I was reeking of +the dregs of the wine-cup, of cheese and of wool; she was redolent with +essences, saffron, tender kisses, the love of spending, of good cheer and +of wanton delights. I will not say she did nothing; no, she worked hard +... to ruin me, and pretending all the while merely to be showing her the +cloak she had woven for me, I said, "Wife, you go too fast about your +work, your threads are too closely woven and you use far too much wool." + +A SLAVE. There is no more oil in the lamp. + +STREPSIADES. Why then did you light such a guzzling lamp? Come here, I am +going to beat you! + +SLAVE. What for? + +STREPSIADES. Because you have put in too thick a wick.... Later, when we +had this boy, what was to be his name? 'Twas the cause of much +quarrelling with my loving wife. She insisted on having some reference to +a horse in his name, that he should be called Xanthippus, Charippus or +Callippides.[477] I wanted to name him Phidonides after his +grandfather.[478] We disputed long, and finally agreed to style him +Phidippides....[479] She used to fondle and coax him, saying, "Oh! what a +joy it will be to me when you have grown up, to see you, like my father, +Megacles,[480] clothed in purple and standing up straight in your chariot +driving your steeds toward the town." And I would say to him, "When, like +your father, you will go, dressed in a skin, to fetch back your goats +from Phelleus."[481] Alas! he never listened to me and his madness for +horses has shattered my fortune. But by dint of thinking the livelong +night, I have discovered a road to salvation, both miraculous and divine. +If he will but follow it, I shall be out of my trouble! First, however, +he must be awakened, but let it be done as gently as possible. How shall +I manage it? Phidippides! my little Phidippides! + +PHIDIPPIDES. What is it, father! + +STREPSIADES. Kiss me and give me your hand. + +PHIDIPPIDES. There! What's it all about? + +STREPSIADES. Tell me! do you love me? + +PHIDIPPIDES. By Posidon, the equestrian Posidon! yes, I swear I do. + +STREPSIADES. Oh, do not, I pray you, invoke this god of horses; 'tis he +who is the cause of all my cares. But if you really love me, and with +your whole heart, my boy, believe me. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Believe you? about what? + +STREPSIADES. Alter your habits forthwith and go and learn what I tell +you. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Say on, what are your orders? + +STREPSIADES. Will you obey me ever so little? + +PHIDIPPIDES. By Bacchus, I will obey you. + +STREPSIADES. Very well then! Look this way. Do you see that little door +and that little house?[482] + +PHIDIPPIDES. Yes, father. But what are you driving at? + +STREPSIADES. That is the school of wisdom. There, they prove that we are +coals enclosed on all sides under a vast extinguisher, which is the +sky.[483] If well paid,[484] these men also teach one how to gain +law-suits, whether they be just or not. + +PHIDIPPIDES. What do they call themselves? + +STREPSIADES. I do not know exactly, but they are deep thinkers and most +admirable people. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Bah! the wretches! I know them; you mean those quacks with +livid faces,[485] those barefoot fellows, such as that miserable Socrates +and Chaerephon.[486] + +STREPSIADES. Silence! say nothing foolish! If you desire your father not +to die of hunger, join their company and let your horses go. + +PHIDIPPIDES. No, by Bacchus! even though you gave me the pheasants that +Leogoras rears. + +STREPSIADES. Oh! my beloved son, I beseech you, go and follow their +teachings. + +PHIDIPPIDES. And what is it I should learn? + +STREPSIADES. 'Twould seem they have two courses of reasoning, the true +and the false, and that, thanks to the false, the worst law-suits can be +gained. If then you learn this science, which is false, I shall not pay +an obolus of all the debts I have contracted on your account. + +PHIDIPPIDES. No, I will not do it. I should no longer dare to look at our +gallant horsemen, when I had so tarnished my fair hue of honour. + +STREPSIADES. Well then, by Demeter! I will no longer support you, neither +you, nor your team, nor your saddle-horse. Go and hang yourself, I turn +you out of house and home. + +PHIDIPPIDES. My uncle Megacles will not leave me without horses; I shall +go to him and laugh at your anger. + +STREPSIADES. One rebuff shall not dishearten me. With the help of the +gods I will enter this school and learn myself. But at my age, memory has +gone and the mind is slow to grasp things. How can all these fine +distinctions, these subtleties be learned? Bah! why should I dally thus +instead of rapping at the door? Slave, slave! (_He knocks and calls._) + +A DISCIPLE. A plague on you! Who are you? + +STREPSIADES. Strepsiades, the son of Phido, of the deme of Cicynna. + +DISCIPLE. 'Tis for sure only an ignorant and illiterate fellow who lets +drive at the door with such kicks. You have brought on a miscarriage--of +an idea! + +STREPSIADES. Pardon me, pray; for I live far away from here in the +country. But tell me, what was the idea that miscarried? + +DISCIPLE. I may not tell it to any but a disciple. + +STREPSIADES. Then tell me without fear, for I have come to study among +you. + +DISCIPLE. Very well then, but reflect, that these are mysteries. Lately, +a flea bit Chaerephon on the brow and then from there sprang on to the +head of Socrates. Socrates asked Chaerephon, "How many times the length +of its legs does a flea jump?" + +STREPSIADES. And how ever did he set about measuring it? + +DISCIPLE. Oh! 'twas most ingenious! He melted some wax, seized the flea +and dipped its two feet in the wax, which, when cooled, left them shod +with true Persian buskins.[487] These he slipped off and with them +measured the distance. + +STREPSIADES. Ah! great Zeus! what a brain! what subtlety! + +DISCIPLE. I wonder what then would you say, if you knew another of +Socrates' contrivances? + +STREPSIADES. What is it? Pray tell me. + +DISCIPLE. Chaerephon of the deme of Sphettia asked him whether he thought +a gnat buzzed through its proboscis or through its rear. + +STREPSIADES. And what did he say about the gnat? + +DISCIPLE. He said that the gut of the gnat was narrow, and that, in +passing through this tiny passage, the air is driven with force towards +the breech; then after this slender channel, it encountered the rump, +which was distended like a trumpet, and there it resounded sonorously. + +STREPSIADES. So the rear of a gnat is a trumpet. Oh! what a splendid +discovery! Thrice happy Socrates! 'Twould not be difficult to succeed in +a law-suit, knowing so much about the gut of a gnat! + +DISCIPLE. Not long ago a lizard caused him the loss of a sublime thought. + +STREPSIADES. In what way, an it please you? + +DISCIPLE. One night, when he was studying the course of the moon and its +revolutions and was gazing open-mouthed at the heavens, a lizard shitted +upon him from the top of the roof. + +STREPSIADES. This lizard, that relieved itself over Socrates, tickles me. + +DISCIPLE. Yesternight we had nothing to eat. + +STREPSIADES. Well! What did he contrive, to secure you some supper? + +DISCIPLE. He spread over the table a light layer of cinders, bending an +iron rod the while; then he took up a pair of compasses and at the same +moment unhooked a piece of the victim which was hanging in the +palaestra.[488] + +STREPSIADES. And we still dare to admire Thales![489] Open, open this +home of knowledge to me quickly! Haste, haste to show me Socrates; I long +to become his disciple. But do, do open the door. (_The disciple admits +Strepsiades._) Ah! by Heracles! what country are those animals from? + +DISCIPLE. Why, what are you astonished at? What do you think they +resemble? + +STREPSIADES. The captives of Pylos.[490] But why do they look so fixedly +on the ground? + +DISCIPLE. They are seeking for what is below the ground. + +STREPSIADES. Ah! 'tis onions they are seeking. Do not give yourselves so +much trouble; I know where there are some, fine and large ones. But what +are those fellows doing, who are bent all double? + +DISCIPLE. They are sounding the abysses of Tartarus.[491] + +STREPSIADES. And what is their rump looking at in the heavens? + +DISCIPLE. It is studying astronomy on its own account. But come in; so +that the master may not find us here. + +STREPSIADES. Not yet, not yet; let them not change their position. I want +to tell them my own little matter. + +DISCIPLE. But they may not stay too long in the open air and away from +school. + +STREPSIADES. In the name of all the gods, what is that? Tell me. +(_Pointing to a celestial globe._) + +DISCIPLE. That is astronomy. + +STREPSIADES. And that? (_Pointing to a map._) + +DISCIPLE. Geometry. + +STREPSIADES. What is that used for? + +DISCIPLE. To measure the land. + +STREPSIADES. But that is apportioned by lot.[492] + +DISCIPLE. No, no, I mean the entire earth. + +STREPSIADES. Ah! what a funny thing! How generally useful indeed is this +invention! + +DISCIPLE. There is the whole surface of the earth. Look! Here is Athens. + +STREPSIADES. Athens! you are mistaken; I see no courts sitting.[493] + +DISCIPLE. Nevertheless it is really and truly the Attic territory. + +STREPSIADES. And where are my neighbours of Cicynna? + +DISCIPLE. They live here. This is Euboea; you see this island, that is so +long and narrow. + +STREPSIADES. I know. 'Tis we and Pericles, who have stretched it by dint +of squeezing it.[494] And where is Lacedaemon? + +DISCIPLE. Lacedaemon? Why, here it is, look. + +STREPSIADES. How near it is to us! Think it well over, it must be removed +to a greater distance. + +DISCIPLE. But, by Zeus, that is not possible. + +STREPSIADES. Then, woe to you! And who is this man suspended up in a +basket? + +DISCIPLE. 'Tis _he himself_. + +STREPSIADES. Who himself? + +DISCIPLE. Socrates. + +STREPSIADES. Socrates! Oh! I pray you, call him right loudly for me. + +DISCIPLE. Call him yourself; I have no time to waste. + +STREPSIADES. Socrates! my little Socrates! + +SOCRATES. Mortal, what do you want with me? + +STREPSIADES. First, what are you doing up there? Tell me, I beseech you. + +SOCRATES. I traverse the air and contemplate the sun. + +STREPSIADES. Thus 'tis not on the solid ground, but from the height of +this basket, that you slight the gods, if indeed....[495] + +SOCRATES. I have to suspend my brain and mingle the subtle essence of my +mind with this air, which is of the like nature, in order to clearly +penetrate the things of heaven.[496] I should have discovered nothing, +had I remained on the ground to consider from below the things that are +above; for the earth by its force attracts the sap of the mind to itself. +'Tis just the same with the water-cress.[497] + +STREPSIADES. What? Does the mind attract the sap of the water-cress? Ah! +my dear little Socrates, come down to me! I have come to ask you for +lessons. + +SOCRATES. And for what lessons? + +STREPSIADES. I want to learn how to speak. I have borrowed money, and my +merciless creditors do not leave me a moment's peace; all my goods are at +stake. + +SOCRATES. And how was it you did not see that you were getting so much +into debt? + +STREPSIADES. My ruin has been the madness for horses, a most rapacious +evil; but teach me one of your two methods of reasoning, the one whose +object is not to repay anything, and, may the gods bear witness, that I +am ready to pay any fee you may name. + +SOCRATES. By which gods will you swear? To begin with, the gods are not a +coin current with us. + +STREPSIADES. But what do you swear by then? By the iron money of +Byzantium?[498] + +SOCRATES. Do you really wish to know the truth of celestial matters? + +STREPSIADES. Why, truly, if 'tis possible. + +SOCRATES. ... and to converse with the clouds, who are our genii? + +STREPSIADES. Without a doubt. + +SOCRATES. Then be seated on this sacred couch. + +STREPSIADES. I am seated. + +SOCRATES. Now take this chaplet. + +STREPSIADES. Why a chaplet? Alas! Socrates, would you sacrifice me, like +Athamas?[499] + +SOCRATES. No, these are the rites of initiation. + +STREPSIADES. And what is it I am to gain? + +SOCRATES. You will become a thorough rattle-pate, a hardened old stager, +the fine flour of the talkers.... But come, keep quiet. + +STREPSIADES. By Zeus! You lie not! Soon I shall be nothing but +wheat-flour, if you powder me in this fashion.[500] + +SOCRATES. Silence, old man, give heed to the prayers.... Oh! most mighty +king, the boundless air, that keepest the earth suspended in space, thou +bright Aether and ye venerable goddesses, the Clouds, who carry in your +loins the thunder and the lightning, arise, ye sovereign powers and +manifest yourselves in the celestial spheres to the eyes of the sage. + +STREPSIADES. Not yet! Wait a bit, till I fold my mantle double, so as not +to get wet. And to think that I did not even bring my travelling cap! +What a misfortune! + +SOCRATES. Come, oh! Clouds, whom I adore, come and show yourselves to +this man, whether you be resting on the sacred summits of Olympus, +crowned with hoar-frost, or tarrying in the gardens of Ocean, your +father, forming sacred choruses with the Nymphs; whether you be gathering +the waves of the Nile in golden vases or dwelling in the Maeotic marsh or +on the snowy rocks of Mimas, hearken to my prayer and accept my offering. +May these sacrifices be pleasing to you. + +CHORUS. Eternal Clouds, let us appear, let us arise from the roaring +depths of Ocean, our father; let us fly towards the lofty mountains, +spread our damp wings over their forest-laden summits, whence we will +dominate the distant valleys, the harvest fed by the sacred earth, the +murmur of the divine streams and the resounding waves of the sea, which +the unwearying orb lights up with its glittering beams. But let us shake +off the rainy fogs, which hide our immortal beauty and sweep the earth +from afar with our gaze. + +SOCRATES. Oh, venerated goddesses, yes, you are answering my call! (_To +Strepsiades._) Did you hear their voices mingling with the awful growling +of the thunder? + +STREPSIADES. Oh! adorable Clouds, I revere you and I too am going to let +off _my_ thunder, so greatly has your own affrighted me. Faith! whether +permitted or not, I must, I must shit! + +SOCRATES. No scoffing; do not copy those accursed comic poets. Come, +silence! a numerous host of goddesses approaches with songs. + +CHORUS. Virgins, who pour forth the rains, let us move toward Attica, the +rich country of Pallas, the home of the brave; let us visit the dear land +of Cecrops, where the secret rites[501] are celebrated, where the +mysterious sanctuary flies open to the initiate.... What victims are +offered there to the deities of heaven! What glorious temples! What +statues! What holy prayers to the rulers of Olympus! At every season +nothing but sacred festivals, garlanded victims, are to be seen. Then +Spring brings round again the joyous feasts of Dionysus, the harmonious +contests of the choruses and the serious melodies of the flute. + +STREPSIADES. By Zeus! Tell me, Socrates, I pray you, who are these women, +whose language is so solemn; can they be demigoddesses? + +SOCRATES. Not at all. They are the Clouds of heaven, great goddesses for +the lazy; to them we owe all, thoughts, speeches, trickery, roguery, +boasting, lies, sagacity. + +STREPSIADES. Ah! that was why, as I listened to them, my mind spread out +its wings; it burns to babble about trifles, to maintain worthless +arguments, to voice its petty reasons, to contradict, to tease some +opponent. But are they not going to show themselves? I should like to see +them, were it possible. + +SOCRATES. Well, look this way in the direction of Parnes;[502] I already +see those who are slowly descending. + +STREPSIADES. But where, where? Show them to me. + +SOCRATES. They are advancing in a throng, following an oblique path +across the dales and thickets. + +STREPSIADES. 'Tis strange! I can see nothing. + +SOCRATES. There, close to the entrance. + +STREPSIADES. Hardly, if at all, can I distinguish them. + +SOCRATES. You _must_ see them clearly now, unless your eyes are filled +with gum as thick as pumpkins. + +STREPSIADES. Aye, undoubtedly! Oh! the venerable goddesses! Why, they +fill up the entire stage. + +SOCRATES. And you did not know, you never suspected, that they were +goddesses? + +STREPSIADES. No, indeed; methought the Clouds were only fog, dew and +vapour. + +SOCRATES. But what you certainly do not know is that they are the support +of a crowd of quacks, both the diviners, who were sent to Thurium,[503] +the notorious physicians, the well-combed fops, who load their fingers +with rings down to the nails, and the baggarts, who write dithyrambic +verses, all these are idlers whom the Clouds provide a living for, +because they sing them in their verses. + +STREPSIADES. 'Tis then for this that they praise "the rapid flight of the +moist clouds, which veil the brightness of day" and "the waving locks of +the hundred-headed Typho" and "the impetuous tempests, which float +through the heavens, like birds of prey with aerial wings, loaded with +mists" and "the rains, the dew, which the clouds outpour."[504] As a +reward for these fine phrases they bolt well-grown, tasty mullet and +delicate thrushes. + +SOCRATES. Yes, thanks to these. And is it not right and meet? + +STREPSIADES. Tell me then why, if these really are the Clouds, they so +very much resemble mortals. This is not their usual form. + +SOCRATES. What are they like then? + +STREPSIADES. I don't know exactly; well, they are like great packs of +wool, but not like women--no, not in the least.... And these have noses. + +SOCRATES. Answer my questions. + +STREPSIADES. Willingly! Go on, I am listening. + +SOCRATES. Have you not sometimes seen clouds in the sky like a centaur, a +leopard, a wolf or a bull? + +STREPSIADES. Why, certainly I have, but what then? + +SOCRATES. They take what metamorphosis they like. If they see a debauchee +with long flowing locks and hairy as a beast, like the son of +Xenophantes,[505] they take the form of a Centaur[506] in derision of his +shameful passion. + +STREPSIADES. And when they see Simon, that thiever of public money, what +do they do then? + +SOCRATES. To picture him to the life, they turn at once into wolves. + +STREPSIADES. So that was why yesterday, when they saw Cleonymus,[507] who +cast away his buckler because he is the veriest poltroon amongst men, +they changed into deer. + +SOCRATES. And to-day they have seen Clisthenes;[508] you see ... they are +women. + +STREPSIADES. Hail, sovereign goddesses, and if ever you have let your +celestial voice be heard by mortal ears, speak to me, oh! speak to me, ye +all-powerful queens. + +CHORUS. Hail! veteran of the ancient times, you who burn to instruct +yourself in fine language. And you, great high-priest of subtle nonsense, +tell us your desire. To you and Prodicus[509] alone of all the hollow +orationers of to-day have we lent an ear--to Prodicus, because of his +knowledge and his great wisdom, and to you, because you walk with head +erect, a confident look, barefooted, resigned to everything and proud of +our protection. + +STREPSIADES. Oh! Earth! What august utterances! how sacred! how wondrous! + +SOCRATES. That is because these are the only goddesses; all the rest are +pure myth. + +STREPSIADES. But by the Earth! is our Father, Zeus, the Olympian, not a +god? + +SOCRATES. Zeus! what Zeus? Are you mad? There is no Zeus. + +STREPSIADES. What are you saying now? Who causes the rain to fall? Answer +me that! + +SOCRATES. Why, 'tis these, and I will prove it. Have you ever seen it +raining without clouds? Let Zeus then cause rain with a clear sky and +without their presence! + +STREPSIADES. By Apollo! that is powerfully argued! For my own part, I +always thought it was Zeus pissing into a sieve. But tell me, who is it +makes the thunder, which I so much dread? + +SOCRATES. 'Tis these, when they roll one over the other. + +STREPSIADES. But how can that be? you most daring among men! + +SOCRATES. Being full of water, and forced to move along, they are of +necessity precipitated in rain, being fully distended with moisture from +the regions where they have been floating; hence they bump each other +heavily and burst with great noise. + +STREPSIADES. But is it not Zeus who forces them to move? + +SOCRATES. Not at all; 'tis aerial Whirlwind. + +STREPSIADES. The Whirlwind! ah! I did not know that. So Zeus, it seems, +has no existence, and 'tis the Whirlwind that reigns in his stead? But +you have not yet told me what makes the roll of the thunder? + +SOCRATES. Have you not understood me then? I tell you, that the Clouds, +when full of rain, bump against one another, and that, being inordinately +swollen out, they burst with a great noise. + +STREPSIADES. How can you make me credit that? + +SOCRATES. Take yourself as an example. When you have heartily gorged on +stew at the Panathenaea, you get throes of stomach-ache and then suddenly +your belly resounds with prolonged growling. + +STREPSIADES. Yes, yes, by Apollo! I suffer, I get colic, then the stew +sets a-growling like thunder and finally bursts forth with a terrific +noise. At first, 'tis but a little gurgling _pappax, pappax_! then it +increases, _papapappax!_ and when I seek relief, why, 'tis thunder +indeed, _papapappax! pappax!! papapappax!!!_ just like the clouds. + +SOCRATES. Well then, reflect what a noise is produced by your belly, +which is but small. Shall not the air, which is boundless, produce these +mighty claps of thunder? + +STREPSIADES. But tell me this. Whence comes the lightning, the dazzling +flame, which at times consumes the man it strikes, at others hardly +singes him. Is it not plain, that 'tis Zeus hurling it at the perjurers? + +SOCRATES. Out upon the fool! the driveller! he still savours of the +golden age! If Zeus strikes at the perjurers, why has he not blasted +Simon, Cleonymus and Theorus?[510] Of a surety, greater perjurers cannot +exist. No, he strikes his own Temple, and Sunium, the promontory of +Athens,[511] and the towering oaks. Now, why should he do that? An oak is +no perjurer. + +STREPSIADES. I cannot tell, but it seems to me well argued. What is the +thunder then? + +SOCRATES. When a dry wind ascends to the Clouds and gets shut into them, +it blows them out like a bladder; finally, being too confined, it bursts +them, escapes with fierce violence and a roar to flash into flame by +reason of its own impetuosity. + +STREPSIADES. Forsooth, 'tis just what happened to me one day. 'Twas at +the feast of Zeus! I was cooking a sow's belly for my family and I had +forgotten to slit it open. It swelled out and, suddenly bursting, +discharged itself right into my eyes and burnt my face. + +CHORUS. Oh, mortal! you, who desire to instruct yourself in our great +wisdom, the Athenians, the Greeks will envy you your good fortune. Only +you must have the memory and ardour for study, you must know how to stand +the tests, hold your own, go forward without feeling fatigue, caring but +little for food, abstaining from wine, gymnastic exercises and other +similar follies, in fact, you must believe as every man of intellect +should, that the greatest of all blessings is to live and think more +clearly than the vulgar herd, to shine in the contests of words. + +STREPSIADES. If it be a question of hardiness for labour, of spending +whole nights at work, of living sparingly, of fighting my stomach and +only eating chick-pease, rest assured, I am as hard as an anvil. + +SOCRATES. Henceforward, following our example, you will recognize no +other gods but Chaos, the Clouds and the Tongue, these three alone. + +STREPSIADES. I would not speak to the others, even if I should meet them +in the street; not a single sacrifice, not a libation, not a grain of +incense for them! + +CHORUS. Tell us boldly then what you want of us; you cannot fail to +succeed, if you honour and revere us and if you are resolved to become a +clever man. + +STREPSIADES. Oh, sovereign goddesses, 'tis but a very small favour that I +ask of you; grant that I may distance all the Greeks by a hundred stadia +in the art of speaking. + +CHORUS. We grant you this, and henceforward no eloquence shall more often +succeed with the people than your own. + +STREPSIADES. May the god shield me from possessing great eloquence! 'Tis +not what I want. I want to be able to turn bad lawsuits to my own +advantage and to slip through the fingers of my creditors. + +CHORUS. It shall be as you wish, for your ambitions are modest. Commit +yourself fearlessly to our ministers, the sophists. + +STREPSIADES. This will I do, for I trust in you. Moreover there is no +drawing back, what with these cursed horses and this marriage, which has +eaten up my vitals. So let them do with me as they will; I yield my body +to them. Come blows, come hunger, thirst, heat or cold, little matters it +to me; they may flay me, if I only escape my debts, if only I win the +reputation of being a bold rascal, a fine speaker, impudent, shameless, a +braggart, and adept at stringing lies, an old stager at quibbles, a +complete table of the laws, a thorough rattle, a fox to slip through any +hole; supple as a leathern strap, slippery as an eel, an artful fellow, a +blusterer, a villain; a knave with a hundred faces, cunning, intolerable, +a gluttonous dog. With such epithets do I seek to be greeted; on these +terms, they can treat me as they choose, and, if they wish, by Demeter! +they can turn me into sausages and serve me up to the philosophers. + +CHORUS. Here have we a bold and well-disposed pupil indeed. When we shall +have taught you, your glory among the mortals will reach even to the +skies. + +STREPSIADES. Wherein will that profit me? + +CHORUS. You will pass your whole life among us and will be the most +envied of men. + +STREPSIADES. Shall I really ever see such happiness? + +CHORUS. Clients will be everlastingly besieging your door in crowds, +burning to get at you, to explain their business to you and to consult +you about their suits, which, in return for your ability, will bring you +in great sums. But, Socrates, begin the lessons you want to teach this +old man; rouse his mind, try the strength of his intelligence. + +SOCRATES. Come, tell me the kind of mind you have; 'tis important I know +this, that I may order my batteries against you in a new fashion. + +STREPSIADES. Eh, what! in the name of the gods, are you purposing to +assault me then? + +SOCRATES. No. I only wish to ask you some questions. Have you any memory? + +STREPSIADES. That depends: if anything is owed me, my memory is +excellent, but if I owe, alas! I have none whatever. + +SOCRATES. Have you a natural gift for speaking? + +STREPSIADES. For speaking, no; for cheating, yes. + +SOCRATES. How will you be able to learn then? + +STREPSIADES. Very easily, have no fear. + +SOCRATES. Thus, when I throw forth some philosophical thought anent +things celestial, you will seize it in its very flight? + +STREPSIADES. Then I am to snap up wisdom much as a dog snaps up a morsel? + +SOCRATES. Oh! the ignoramus! the barbarian! I greatly fear, old man, +'twill be needful for me to have recourse to blows. Now, let me hear what +you do when you are beaten. + +STREPSIADES. I receive the blow, then wait a moment, take my witnesses +and finally summon my assailant at law. + +SOCRATES. Come, take off your cloak. + +STREPSIADES. Have I robbed you of anything? + +SOCRATES. No, but 'tis usual to enter the school without your cloak. + +STREPSIADES. But I am not come here to look for stolen goods. + +SOCRATES. Off with it, fool! + +STREPSIADES. Tell me, if I prove thoroughly attentive and learn with +zeal, which of your disciples shall I resemble, do you think? + +SOCRATES. You will be the image of Chaerephon. + +STREPSIADES. Ah! unhappy me! I shall then be but half alive? + +SOCRATES. A truce to this chatter! follow me and no more of it. + +STREPSIADES. First give me a honey-cake, for to descend down there sets +me all a-tremble; meseems 'tis the cave of Trophonius. + +SOCRATES. But get in with you! What reason have you for thus dallying at +the door? + +CHORUS. Good luck! you have courage; may you succeed, you, who, though +already so advanced in years, wish to instruct your mind with new studies +and practise it in wisdom! + +CHORUS (_Parabasis_). Spectators! By Bacchus, whose servant I am, I will +frankly tell you the truth. May I secure both victory and renown as +certainly as I hold you for adept critics and as I regard this comedy as +my best. I wished to give you the first view of a work, which had cost me +much trouble, but I withdrew, unjustly beaten by unskilful rivals.[512] +'Tis you, oh, enlightened public, for whom I have prepared my piece, that +I reproach with this. Nevertheless I shall never willingly cease to seek +the approval of the discerning. I have not forgotten the day, when men, +whom one is happy to have for an audience, received my 'Young Man' and my +'Debauchee'[513] with so much favour in this very place. Then as yet +virgin, my Muse had not attained the legal age for maternity;[514] she +had to expose her first-born for another to adopt, and it has since grown +up under your generous patronage. Ever since you have as good as sworn me +your faithful alliance. Thus, like Electra[515] of the poets, my comedy +has come to seek you to-day, hoping again to encounter such enlightened +spectators. As far away as she can discern her Orestes, she will be able +to recognize him by his curly head. And note her modest demeanour! She +has not sewn on a piece of hanging leather, thick and reddened at the +end,[516] to cause laughter among the children; she does not rail at the +bald, neither does she dance the cordax;[517] no old man is seen, who, +while uttering his lines, batters his questioner with a stick to make his +poor jests pass muster.[518] She does not rush upon the scene carrying a +torch and screaming, 'La, la! la, la!' No, she relies upon herself and +her verses.... My value is so well known, that I take no further pride in +it. I do not seek to deceive you, by reproducing the same subjects two or +three times; I always invent fresh themes to present before you, themes +that have no relation to each other and that are all clever. I attacked +Cleon[519] to his face and when he was all-powerful; but he has fallen, +and now I have no desire to kick him when he is down. My rivals, on the +contrary, once that this wretched Hyperbolus has given them the cue, have +never ceased setting upon both him and his mother. First Eupolis +presented his 'Maricas';[520] this was simply my 'Knights,' whom this +plagiarist had clumsily furbished up again by adding to the piece an old +drunken woman, so that she might dance the cordax. 'Twas an old idea, +taken from Phrynichus, who caused his old hag to be devoured by a monster +of the deep.[521] Then Hermippus[522] fell foul of Hyperbolus and now all +the others fall upon him and repeat my comparison of the eels. May those +who find amusement in their pieces not be pleased with mine, but as for +you, who love and applaud my inventions, why, posterity will praise your +good taste. + +Oh, ruler of Olympus, all-powerful king of the gods, great Zeus, it is +thou whom I first invoke; protect this chorus; and thou too, Posidon, +whose dread trident upheaves at the will of thy anger both the bowels of +the earth and the salty waves of the ocean. I invoke my illustrious +father, the divine Aether, the universal sustainer of life, and Phoebus, +who, from the summit of his chariot, sets the world aflame with his +dazzling rays, Phoebus, a mighty deity amongst the gods and adored +amongst mortals. + +Most wise spectators, lend us all your attention. Give heed to our just +reproaches. There exist no gods to whom this city owes more than it does +to us, whom alone you forget. Not a sacrifice, not a libation is there +for those who protect you! Have you decreed some mad expedition? Well! we +thunder or we fall down in rain. When you chose that enemy of heaven, the +Paphlagonian tanner,[523] for a general, we knitted our brow, we caused +our wrath to break out; the lightning shot forth, the thunder pealed, the +moon deserted her course and the sun at once veiled his beam threatening +no longer to give you light, if Cleon became general. Nevertheless you +elected him; 'tis said, Athens never resolves upon some fatal step but +the gods turn these errors into her greatest gain. Do you wish that this +election should even now be a success for you? 'Tis a very simple thing +to do; condemn this rapacious gull named Cleon[524] for bribery and +extortion, fit a wooden collar tight round his neck, and your error will +be rectified and the commonweal will at once regain its old prosperity. + +Aid me also, Phoebus, god of Delos, who reignest on the cragged peaks of +Cynthia;[525] and thou, happy virgin,[526] to whom the Lydian damsels +offer pompous sacrifice in a temple of gold; and thou, goddess of our +country, Athené, armed with the aegis, the protectress of Athens; and +thou, who, surrounded by the Bacchanals of Delphi, roamest over the rocks +of Parnassus shaking the flame of thy resinous torch, thou, Bacchus, the +god of revel and joy. + +As we were preparing to come here, we were hailed by the Moon and were +charged to wish joy and happiness both to the Athenians and to their +allies; further, she said that she was enraged and that you treated her +very shamefully, her, who does not pay you in words alone, but who +renders you all real benefits. Firstly, thanks to her, you save at least +a drachma each month for lights, for each, as he is leaving home at +night, says, "Slave, buy no torches, for the moonlight is +beautiful,"--not to name a thousand other benefits. Nevertheless you do +not reckon the days correctly and your calendar is naught but +confusion.[527] Consequently the gods load her with threats each time +they get home and are disappointed of their meal, because the festival +has not been kept in the regular order of time. When you should be +sacrificing, you are putting to the torture or administering justice. And +often, we others, the gods, are fasting in token of mourning for the +death of Memnon or Sarpedon,[528] while you are devoting yourselves to +joyous libations. 'Tis for this, that last year, when the lot would have +invested Hyperbolus[529] with the duty of Amphictyon, we took his crown +from him, to teach him that time must be divided according to the phases +of the moon. + +SOCRATES. By Respiration, the Breath of Life! By Chaos! By the Air! I +have never seen a man so gross, so inept, so stupid, so forgetful. All +the little quibbles, which I teach him, he forgets even before he has +learnt them. Yet I will not give it up, I will make him come out here +into the open air. Where are you, Strepsiades? Come, bring your couch out +here. + +STREPSIADES. But the bugs will not allow me to bring it. + +SOCRATES. Have done with such nonsense! place it there and pay attention. + +STREPSIADES. Well, here I am. + +SOCRATES. Good! Which science of all those you have never been taught, do +you wish to learn first? The measures, the rhythms or the verses? + +STREPSIADES. Why, the measures; the flour dealer cheated me out of two +_choenixes_ the other day. + +SOCRATES. 'Tis not about that I ask you, but which, according to you, is +the best measure, the trimeter or the tetrameter?[530] + +STREPSIADES. The one I prefer is the semisextarius. + +SOCRATES. You talk nonsense, my good fellow. + +STREPSIADES. I will wager your tetrameter is the semisextarius.[531] + +SOCRATES. Plague seize the dunce and the fool! Come, perchance you will +learn the rhythms quicker. + +STREPSIADES. Will the rhythms supply me with food? + +SOCRATES. First they will help you to be pleasant in company, then to +know what is meant by oenoplian rhythm[532] and what by the +dactylic.[533] + +STREPSIADES. Of the dactyl? I know that quite well. + +SOCRATES. What is it then? + +STREPSIADES. Why, 'tis this finger; formerly, when a child, I used this +one.[534] + +SOCRATES. You are as low-minded as you are stupid. + +STREPSIADES. But, wretched man, I do not want to learn all this. + +SOCRATES. Then what _do_ you want to know? + +STREPSIADES. Not that, not that, but the art of false reasoning. + +SOCRATES. But you must first learn other things. Come, what are the male +quadrupeds? + +STREPSIADES. Oh! I know the males thoroughly. Do you take me for a fool +then? The ram, the buck, the bull, the dog, the pigeon. + +SOCRATES. Do you see what you are doing; is not the female pigeon called +the same as the male? + +STREPSIADES. How else? Come now? + +SOCRATES. How else? With you then 'tis pigeon and pigeon! + +STREPSIADES. 'Tis true, by Posidon! but what names do you want me to give +them? + +SOCRATES. Term the female pigeonnette and the male pigeon. + +STREPSIADES. Pigeonnette! hah! by the Air! That's splendid! for that +lesson bring out your kneading-trough and I will fill him with flour to +the brim. + +SOCRATES. There you are wrong again; you make _trough_ masculine and it +should be feminine. + +STREPSIADES. What? if I say _him_, do I make the _trough_ masculine? + +SOCRATES. Assuredly! would you not say him for Cleonymus? + +STREPSIADES. Well? + +SOCRATES. Then trough is of the same gender as Cleonymus? + +STREPSIADES. Oh! good sir! Cleonymus never had a kneading-trough;[535] he +used a round mortar for the purpose. But come, tell me what I _should_ +say? + +SOCRATES. For trough you should say _her_ as you would for Sostraté.[536] + +STREPSIADES. _Her_? + +SOCRATES. In this manner you make it truly female. + +STREPSIADES. That's it! _Her_ for trough and _her_ for Cleonymus.[537] + +SOCRATES. Now I must teach you to distinguish the masculine proper names +from those that are feminine. + +STREPSIADES. Ah! I know the female names well. + +SOCRATES. Name some then. + +STREPSIADES. Lysilla, Philinna, Clitagora, Demetria. + +SOCRATES. And what are masculine names? + +STREPSIADES. They are countless--Philoxenus, Melesias, Amynias. + +SOCRATES. But, wretched man, the last two are not masculine. + +STREPSIADES. You do not reckon them masculine? + +SOCRATES. Not at all. If you met Amynias, how would you hail him? + +STREPSIADES. How? Why, I should shout, "Hi! hither, Amyni_a_!"[538] + +SOCRATES. Do you see? 'tis a female name that you give him. + +STREPSIADES. And is it not rightly done, since he refuses military +service? But what use is there in learning what we all know? + +SOCRATES. You know nothing about it. Come, lie down there. + +STREPSIADES. What for? + +SOCRATES. Ponder awhile over matters that interest you. + +STREPSIADES. Oh! I pray you, not there! but, if I must lie down and +ponder, let me lie on the ground. + +SOCRATES. 'Tis out of the question. Come! on to the couch! + +STREPSIADES. What cruel fate! What a torture the bugs will this day put +me to! + +SOCRATES. Ponder and examine closely, gather your thoughts together, let +your mind turn to every side of things; if you meet with a difficulty, +spring quickly to some other idea; above all, keep your eyes away from +all gentle sleep. + +STREPSIADES. Oh, woe, woe! oh, woe, woe! + +SOCRATES. What ails you? why do you cry so? + +STREPSIADES. Oh! I am a dead man! Here are these cursed Corinthians[539] +advancing upon me from all corners of the couch; they are biting me, they +are gnawing at my sides, they are drinking all my blood, they are +twitching off my testicles, they are exploring all up my back, they are +killing me! + +SOCRATES. Not so much wailing and clamour, if you please. + +STREPSIADES. How can I obey? I have lost my money and my complexion, my +blood and my slippers, and to cap my misery, I must keep awake on this +couch, when scarce a breath of life is left in me. + +SOCRATES. Well now! what are you doing? are you reflecting? + +STREPSIADES. Yes, by Posidon! + +SOCRATES. What about? + +STREPSIADES. Whether the bugs will not entirely devour me. + +SOCRATES. May death seize you, accursed man! + +STREPSIADES. Ah! it has already. + +SOCRATES. Come, no giving way! Cover up your head; the thing to do is to +find an ingenious alternative. + +STREPSIADES. An alternative! ah! I only wish one would come to me from +within these coverlets! + +SOCRATES. Hold! let us see what our fellow is doing. Ho! you! are you +asleep? + +STREPSIADES. No, by Apollo! + +SOCRATES. Have you got hold of anything? + +STREPSIADES. No, nothing whatever. + +SOCRATES. Nothing at all! + +STREPSIADES. No, nothing but my tool, which I've got in my hand. + +SOCRATES. Are you not going to cover your head immediately and ponder? + +STREPSIADES. Over what? Come, Socrates, tell me. + +SOCRATES. Think first what you want, and then tell me. + +STREPSIADES. But I have told you a thousand times what I want. 'Tis not +to pay any of my creditors. + +SOCRATES. Come, wrap yourself up; concentrate your mind, which wanders +too lightly, study every detail, scheme and examine thoroughly. + +STREPSIADES. Oh, woe! woe! oh dear! oh dear! + +SOCRATES. Keep yourself quiet, and if any notion troubles you, put it +quickly aside, then resume it and think over it again. + +STREPSIADES. My dear little Socrates! + +SOCRATES. What is it, old greybeard? + +STREPSIADES. I have a scheme for not paying my debts. + +SOCRATES. Let us hear it. + +STREPSIADES. Tell me, if I purchased a Thessalian witch, I could make the +moon descend during the night and shut it, like a mirror, into a round +box and there keep it carefully.... + +SOCRATES. How would you gain by that? + +STREPSIADES. How? Why, if the moon did not rise, I would have no interest +to pay. + +SOCRATES. Why so? + +STREPSIADES. Because money is lent by the month. + +SOCRATES. Good! but I am going to propose another trick to you. If you +were condemned to pay five talents, how would you manage to quash that +verdict? Tell me. + +STREPSIADES. How? how? I don't know, I must think. + +SOCRATES. Do you always shut your thoughts within yourself. Let your +ideas fly in the air, like a may-bug, tied by the foot with a thread. + +STREPSIADES. I have found a very clever way to annul that conviction; you +will admit that much yourself. + +SOCRATES. What is it? + +STREPSIADES. Have you ever seen a beautiful, transparent stone at the +druggists, with which you may kindle fire? + +SOCRATES. You mean a crystal lens.[540] + +STREPSIADES. Yes. + +SOCRATES. Well, what then? + +STREPSIADES. If I placed myself with this stone in the sun and a long way +off from the clerk, while he was writing out the conviction, I could make +all the wax, upon which the words were written, melt. + +SOCRATES. Well thought out, by the Graces! + +STREPSIADES. Ah! I am delighted to have annulled the decree that was to +cost me five talents. + +SOCRATES. Come, take up this next question quickly. + +STREPSIADES. Which? + +SOCRATES. If, when summoned to court, you were in danger of losing your +case for want of witnesses, how would you make the conviction fall upon +your opponent? + +STREPSIADES. 'Tis very simple and most easy. + +SOCRATES. Let me hear. + +STREPSIADES. This way. If another case had to be pleaded before mine was +called, I should run and hang myself. + +SOCRATES. You talk rubbish! + +STREPSIADES. Not so, by the gods! if I was dead, no action could lie +against me. + +SOCRATES. You are merely beating the air. Begone! I will give you no more +lessons. + +STREPSIADES. Why not? Oh! Socrates! in the name of the gods! + +SOCRATES. But you forget as fast as you learn. Come, what was the thing I +taught you first? Tell me. + +STREPSIADES. Ah! let me see. What was the first thing? What was it then? +Ah! that thing in which we knead the bread, oh! my god! what do you call +it? + +SOCRATES. Plague take the most forgetful and silliest of old addlepates! + +STREPSIADES. Alas! what a calamity! what will become of me? I am undone +if I do not learn how to ply my tongue. Oh! Clouds! give me good advice. + +CHORUS. Old man, we counsel you, if you have brought up a son, to send +him to learn in your stead. + +STREPSIADES. Undoubtedly I have a son, as well endowed as the best, but +he is unwilling to learn. What will become of me? + +CHORUS. And you don't make him obey you? + +STREPSIADES. You see, he is big and strong; moreover, through his mother +he is a descendant of those fine birds, the race of Coesyra.[541] +Nevertheless, I will go and find him, and if he refuses, I will turn him +out of the house. Go in, Socrates, and wait for me awhile. + +CHORUS (_to Socrates_). Do you understand, that, thanks to us, you will +be loaded with benefits? Here is a man, ready to obey you in all things. +You see how he is carried away with admiration and enthusiasm. Profit by +it to clip him as short as possible; fine chances are all too quickly +gone. + +STREPSIADES. No, by the Clouds! you stay no longer here; go and devour +the ruins of your uncle Megacles' fortune. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Oh! my poor father! what has happened to you? By the +Olympian Zeus! you are no longer in your senses! + +STREPSIADES. See! see! "the Olympian Zeus." Oh! the fool! to believe in +Zeus at your age! + +PHIDIPPIDES. What is there in that to make you laugh? + +STREPSIADES. You are then a tiny little child, if you credit such +antiquated rubbish! But come here, that I may teach you; I will tell you +something very necessary to know to be a man; but you will not repeat it +to anybody. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Come, what is it? + +STREPSIADES. Just now you swore by Zeus. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Aye, that I did. + +STREPSIADES. Do you see how good it is to learn? Phidippides, there is no +Zeus. + +PHIDIPPIDES. What is there then? + +STREPSIADES. 'Tis the Whirlwind, that has driven out Jupiter and is King +now. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Go to! what drivel! + +STREPSIADES. Know it to be the truth. + +PHIDIPPIDES. And who says so? + +STREPSIADES. 'Tis Socrates, the Melian,[542] and Chaerephon, who knows +how to measure the jump of a flea. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Have you reached such a pitch of madness that you believe +those bilious fellows? + +STREPSIADES. Use better language, and do not insult men who are clever +and full of wisdom, who, to economize, are never shaved, shun the +gymnasia and never go to the baths, while you, you only await my death to +eat up my wealth. But come, come as quickly as you can to learn in my +stead. + +PHIDIPPIDES. And what good can be learnt of them? + +STREPSIADES. What good indeed? Why, all human knowledge. Firstly, you +will know yourself grossly ignorant. But await me here awhile. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Alas! what is to be done? My father has lost his wits. Must +I have him certificated for lunacy, or must I order his coffin? + +STREPSIADES. Come! what kind of bird is this? tell me. + +PHIDIPPIDES. A pigeon. + +STREPSIADES. Good! And this female? + +PHIDIPPIDES. A pigeon. + +STREPSIADES. The same for both? You make me laugh! For the future you +will call this one a pigeonnette and the other a pigeon. + +PHIDIPPIDES. A pigeonnette! These then are the fine things you have just +learnt at the school of these sons of the Earth![543] + +STREPSIADES. And many others; but what I learnt I forgot at once, because +I am too old. + +PHIDIPPIDES. So this is why you have lost your cloak? + +STREPSIADES. I have not lost it, I have consecrated it to Philosophy. + +PHIDIPPIDES. And what have you done with your sandals, you poor fool? + +STREPSIADES. If I have lost them, it is for what was necessary, just as +Pericles did.[544] But come, move yourself, let us go in; if necessary, +do wrong to obey your father. When you were six years old and still +lisped, 'twas I who obeyed you. I remember at the feasts of Zeus you had +a consuming wish for a little chariot and I bought it for you with the +first obolus which I received as a juryman in the Courts. + +PHIDIPPIDES. You will soon repent of what you ask me to do. + +STREPSIADES. Oh! now I am happy! He obeys. Here, Socrates, here! Come out +quick! Here I am bringing you my son; he refused, but I have persuaded +him. + +SOCRATES. Why, he is but a child yet. He is not used to these baskets, in +which we suspend our minds.[545] + +PHIDIPPIDES. To make you better used to them, I would you were hung. + +STREPSIADES. A curse upon you! you insult your master! + +SOCRATES. "I would you were hung!" What a stupid speech! and so +emphatically spoken! How can one ever get out of an accusation with such +a tone, summon witnesses or touch or convince? And yet when we think, +Hyperbolus learnt all this for one talent! + +STREPSIADES. Rest undisturbed and teach him. 'Tis a most intelligent +nature. Even when quite little he amused himself at home with making +houses, carving boats, constructing little chariots of leather, and +understood wonderfully how to make frogs out of pomegranate rinds. Teach +him both methods of reasoning, the strong and also the weak, which by +false arguments triumphs over the strong; if not the two, at least the +false, and that in every possible way. + +SOCRATES. 'Tis Just and Unjust Discourse themselves that shall instruct +him.[546] + +STREPSIADES. I go, but forget it not, he must always, always be able to +confound the true. + +JUST DISCOURSE. Come here! Shameless as you may be, will you dare to show +your face to the spectators? + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Take me where you list. I seek a throng, so that I may +the better annihilate you. + +JUST DISCOURSE. Annihilate me! Do you forget who you are? + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. I am Reasoning. + +JUST DISCOURSE. Yes, the weaker Reasoning.[547] + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. But I triumph over you, who claim to be the stronger. + +JUST DISCOURSE. By what cunning shifts, pray? + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. By the invention of new maxims. + +JUST DISCOURSE. ... which are received with favour by these fools. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Say rather, by these wiseacres. + +JUST DISCOURSE. I am going to destroy you mercilessly. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. How pray? Let us see you do it. + +JUST DISCOURSE. By saying what is true. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. I shall retort and shall very soon have the better of +you. First, I maintain that justice has no existence. + +JUST DISCOURSE. Has no existence? + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. No existence! Why, where are they? + +JUST DISCOURSE. With the gods. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. How then, if justice exists, was Zeus not put to death +for having put his father in chains? + +JUST DISCOURSE. Bah! this is enough to turn my stomach! A basin, quick! + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. You are an old driveller and stupid withal. + +JUST DISCOURSE. And you a debauchee and a shameless fellow. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Hah! What sweet expressions! + +JUST DISCOURSE. An impious buffoon! + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. You crown me with roses and with lilies. + +JUST DISCOURSE. A parricide. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Why, you shower gold upon me. + +JUST DISCOURSE. Formerly, 'twas a hailstorm of blows. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. I deck myself with your abuse. + +JUST DISCOURSE. What impudence! + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. What tomfoolery! + +JUST DISCOURSE. 'Tis because of you that the youth no longer attends the +schools. The Athenians will soon recognize what lessons you teach those +who are fools enough to believe you. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. You are overwhelmed with wretchedness. + +JUST DISCOURSE. And you, you prosper. Yet you were poor when you said, "I +am the Mysian Telephus,"[548] and used to stuff your wallet with maxims +of Pandeletus[549] to nibble at. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Oh! the beautiful wisdom, of which you are now +boasting! + +JUST DISCOURSE. Madman! But yet madder the city that keeps you, you, the +corrupter of its youth! + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. 'Tis not you who will teach this young man; you are as +old and out of date as Saturn. + +JUST DISCOURSE. Nay, it will certainly be I, if he does not wish to be +lost and to practise verbosity only. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE (_to Phidippides_). Come hither and leave him to beat +the air. + +JUST DISCOURSE (_to Unjust Discourse_). Evil be unto you, if you touch +him. + +CHORUS. A truce to your quarrellings and abuse! But expound, you, what +you taught us formerly, and you, your new doctrine. Thus, after hearing +each of you argue, he will be able to choose betwixt the two schools. + +JUST DISCOURSE. I am quite agreeable. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. And I too. + +CHORUS. Who is to speak first? + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Let it be my opponent, he has my full consent; then I +will follow upon the very ground he shall have chosen and shall shatter +him with a hail of new ideas and subtle fancies; if after that he dares +to breathe another word, I shall sting him in the face and in the eyes +with our maxims, which are as keen as the sting of a wasp, and he will +die. + +CHORUS. Here are two rivals confident in their powers of oratory and in +the thoughts over which they have pondered so long. Let us see which will +come triumphant out of the contest. This wisdom, for which my friends +maintain such a persistent fight, is in great danger. Come then, you, who +crowned men of other days with so many virtues, plead the cause dear to +you, make yourself known to us. + +JUST DISCOURSE. Very well, I will tell you what was the old education, +when I used to teach justice with so much success and when modesty was +held in veneration. Firstly, it was required of a child, that it should +not utter a word. In the street, when they went to the music-school, all +the youths of the same district marched lightly clad and ranged in good +order, even when the snow was falling in great flakes. At the master's +house they had to stand, their legs apart, and they were taught to sing +either, "Pallas, the Terrible, who overturneth cities," or "A noise +resounded from afar"[550] in the solemn tones of the ancient harmony. If +anyone indulged in buffoonery or lent his voice any of the soft +inflexions, like those which to-day the disciples of Phrynis[551] take so +much pains to form, he was treated as an enemy of the Muses and +belaboured with blows. In the wrestling school they would sit with +outstretched legs and without display of any indecency to the curious. +When they rose, they would smooth over the sand, so as to leave no trace +to excite obscene thoughts. Never was a child rubbed with oil below the +belt; the rest of their bodies thus retained its fresh bloom and down, +like a velvety peach. They were not to be seen approaching a lover and +themselves rousing his passion by soft modulation of the voice and +lustful gaze. At table, they would not have dared, before those older +than themselves, to have taken a radish, an aniseed or a leaf of parsley, +and much less eat fish or thrushes or cross their legs. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. What antiquated rubbish! Have we got back to the days +of the festivals of Zeus Polieus,[552] to the Buphonia, to the time of +the poet Cecydes[553] and the golden cicadas?[554] + +JUST DISCOURSE. 'Tis nevertheless by suchlike teaching I built up the men +of Marathon. But you, you teach the children of to-day to bundle +themselves quickly into their clothes, and I am enraged when I see them +at the Panathenaea forgetting Athené while they dance, and covering +themselves with their bucklers. Hence, young man, dare to range yourself +beside me, who follow justice and truth; you will then be able to shun +the public place, to refrain from the baths, to blush at all that is +shameful, to fire up if your virtue is mocked at, to give place to your +elders, to honour your parents, in short, to avoid all that is evil. Be +modesty itself, and do not run to applaud the dancing girls; if you +delight in such scenes, some courtesan will cast you her apple and your +reputation will be done for. Do not bandy words with your father, nor +treat him as a dotard, nor reproach the old man, who has cherished you, +with his age. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. If you listen to him, by Bacchus! you will be the image +of the sons of Hippocrates[555] and will be called _mother's great +ninny_. + +JUST DISCOURSE. No, but you will pass your days at the gymnasia, glowing +with strength and health; you will not go to the public place to cackle +and wrangle as is done nowadays; you will not live in fear that you may +be dragged before the courts for some trifle exaggerated by quibbling. +But you will go down to the Academy[556] to run beneath the sacred olives +with some virtuous friend of your own age, your head encircled with the +white reed, enjoying your ease and breathing the perfume of the yew and +of the fresh sprouts of the poplar, rejoicing in the return of springtide +and gladly listening to the gentle rustle of the plane-tree and the elm. +If you devote yourself to practising my precepts, your chest will be +stout, your colour glowing, your shoulders broad, your tongue short, your +hips muscular, but your penis small. But if you follow the fashions of +the day, you will be pallid in hue, have narrow shoulders, a narrow +chest, a long tongue, small hips and a big tool; you will know how to +spin forth long-winded arguments on law. You will be persuaded also to +regard as splendid everything that is shameful and as shameful everything +that is honourable; in a word, you will wallow in debauchery like +Antimachus.[557] + +CHORUS. How beautiful, high-souled, brilliant is this wisdom that you +practise! What a sweet odour of honesty is emitted by your discourse! +Happy were those men of other days who lived when you were honoured! And +you, seductive talker, come, find some fresh arguments, for your rival +has done wonders. Bring out against him all the battery of your wit, if +you desire to beat him and not to be laughed out of court. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. At last! I was choking with impatience, I was burning +to upset all his arguments! If I am called the Weaker Reasoning in the +schools, 'tis precisely because I was the first before all others to +discover the means to confute the laws and the decrees of justice. To +invoke solely the weaker arguments and yet triumph is a talent worth more +than a hundred thousand drachmae. But see how I shall batter down the +sort of education of which he is so proud. Firstly, he forbids you to +bathe in hot water. What grounds have you for condemning hot baths? + +JUST DISCOURSE. Because they are baneful and enervate men. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Enough said! Oh! you poor wrestler! From the very +outset I have seized you and hold you round the middle; you cannot escape +me. Tell me, of all the sons of Zeus, who had the stoutest heart, who +performed the most doughty deeds? + +JUST DISCOURSE. None, in my opinion, surpassed Heracles. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Where have you ever seen cold baths called 'Baths of +Heracles'?[558] And yet who was braver than he? + +JUST DISCOURSE. 'Tis because of such quibbles, that the baths are seen +crowded with young folk, who chatter there the livelong day while the +gymnasia remain empty. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Next you condemn the habit of frequenting the +market-place, while I approve this. If it were wrong Homer would never +have made Nestor[559] speak in public as well as all his wise heroes. As +for the art of speaking, he tells you, young men should not practise it; +I hold the contrary. Furthermore he preaches chastity to them. Both +precepts are equally harmful. Have you ever seen chastity of any use to +anyone? Answer and try to confute me. + +JUST DISCOURSE. To many; for instance, Peleus won a sword thereby.[560] + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. A sword! Ah! what a fine present to make him! Poor +wretch! Hyperbolus, the lamp-seller, thanks to his villainy, has gained +more than ... I do not know how many talents, but certainly no sword. + +JUST DISCOURSE. Peleus owed it to his chastity that he became the husband +of Thetis.[561] + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. ... who left him in the lurch, for he was not the most +ardent; in those nocturnal sports between two sheets, which so please +women, he possessed but little merit. Get you gone, you are but an old +fool. But you, young man, just consider a little what this temperance +means and the delights of which it deprives you--young fellows, women, +play, dainty dishes, wine, boisterous laughter. And what is life worth +without these? Then, if you happen to commit one of these faults inherent +in human weakness, some seduction or adultery, and you are caught in the +act, you are lost, if you cannot speak. But follow my teaching and you +will be able to satisfy your passions, to dance, to laugh, to blush at +nothing. Are you surprised in adultery? Then up and tell the husband you +are not guilty, and recall to him the example of Zeus, who allowed +himself to be conquered by love and by women. Being but a mortal, can you +be stronger than a god? + +JUST DISCOURSE. And if your pupil gets impaled, his hairs plucked out, +and he is seared with a hot ember,[562] how are you going to prove to him +that he is not a filthy debauchee? + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. And wherein lies the harm of being so? + +JUST DISCOURSE. Is there anything worse than to have such a character? + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Now what will you say, if I beat you even on this +point? + +JUST DISCOURSE. I should certainly have to be silent then. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Well then, reply! Our advocates, what are they? + +JUST DISCOURSE. Low scum. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Nothing is more true. And our tragic poets? + +JUST DISCOURSE. Low scum. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Well said again. And our demagogues? + +JUST DISCOURSE. Low scum. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. You admit that you have spoken nonsense. And the +spectators, what are they for the most part? Look at them. + +JUST DISCOURSE. I am looking at them. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. Well! What do you see? + +JUST DISCOURSE. By the gods, they are nearly all low scum. See, this one +I know to be such and that one and that other with the long hair. + +UNJUST DISCOURSE. What have you to say, then? + +JUST DISCOURSE. I am beaten. Debauchees! in the name of the gods, receive +my cloak;[563] I pass over to your ranks. + +SOCRATES. Well then! do you take away your son or do you wish me to teach +him how to speak? + +STREPSIADES. Teach him, chastise him and do not fail to sharpen his +tongue well, on one side for petty law-suits and on the other for +important cases. + +SOCRATES. Make yourself easy, I shall return to you an accomplished +sophist. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Very pale then and thoroughly hang-dog-looking. + +STREPSIADES. Take him with you. + +PHIDIPPIDES. I do assure you, you will repent it. + +CHORUS. Judges, we are all about to tell you what you will gain by +awarding us the crown as equity requires of you. In spring, when you wish +to give your fields the first dressing, we will rain upon you first; the +others shall wait. Then we will watch over your corn and over your +vine-stocks; they will have no excess to fear, neither of heat nor of +wet. But if a mortal dares to insult the goddesses of the Clouds, let him +think of the ills we shall pour upon him. For him neither wine nor any +harvest at all! Our terrible slings will mow down his young olive plants +and his vines. If he is making bricks, it will rain, and our round +hailstones will break the tiles of his roof. If he himself marries or any +of his relations or friends, we shall cause rain to fall the whole night +long. Verily, he would prefer to live in Egypt[564] than to have given +this iniquitous verdict. + +STREPSIADES. Another four, three, two days, then the eve, then the day, +the fatal day of payment! I tremble, I quake, I shudder, for 'tis the day +of the old moon and the new.[565] Then all my creditors take the oath, +pay their deposits,[566] swear my downfall and my ruin. As for me, I +beseech them to be reasonable, to be just, "My friend, do not demand this +sum, wait a little for this other and give me time for this third one." +Then they will pretend that at this rate they will never be repaid, will +accuse me of bad faith and will threaten me with the law. Well then, let +them sue me! I care nothing for that, if only Phidippides has learnt to +speak fluently. I go to find out, let me knock at the door of the +school.... Ho! slave, slave! + +SOCRATES. Welcome! Strepsiades! + +STREPSIADES. Welcome! Socrates! But first take this sack (_offers him a +sack of flour_); it is right to reward the master with some present. And +my son, whom you took off lately, has he learnt this famous reasoning, +tell me. + +SOCRATES. He has learnt it. + +STREPSIADES. What a good thing! Oh! thou divine Knavery! + +SOCRATES. You will win just as many causes as you choose. + +STREPSIADES. Even if I have borrowed before witnesses? + +SOCRATES. So much the better, even if there are a thousand of 'em! + +STREPSIADES. Then I am going to shout with all my might. "Woe to the +usurers, woe to their capital and their interest and their compound +interest! You shall play me no more bad turns. My son is being taught +there, his tongue is being sharpened into a double-edged weapon; he is my +defender, the saviour of my house, the ruin of my foes! His poor father +was crushed down with misfortune and he delivers him." Go and call him to +me quickly. Oh! my child! my dear little one! run forward to your +father's voice! + +SOCRATES. Here he is. + +STREPSIADES. Oh, my friend, my dearest friend! + +SOCRATES. Take your son, and get you gone. + +STREPSIADES. Oh, my son! oh! oh! what a pleasure to see your pallor! You +are ready first to deny and then to contradict; 'tis as clear as noon. +What a child of your country you are! How your lips quiver with the +famous, "What have you to say now?" How well you know, I am certain, to +put on the look of a victim, when it is you who are making both victims +and dupes! and what a truly Attic glance! Come, 'tis for you to save me, +seeing it is you who have ruined me. + +PHIDIPPIDES. What is it you fear then? + +STREPSIADES. The day of the old and the new. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Is there then a day of the old and the new? + +STREPSIADES. The day on which they threaten to pay deposit against me. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Then so much the worse for those who have deposited! for +'tis not possible for one day to be two. + +STREPSIADES. What? + +PHIDIPPIDES. Why, undoubtedly, unless a woman can be both old and young +at the same time. + +STREPSIADES. But so runs the law. + +PHIDIPPIDES. I think the meaning of the law is quite misunderstood. + +STREPSIADES. What does it mean? + +PHIDIPPIDES. Old Solon loved the people. + +STREPSIADES. What has that to do with the old day and the new? + +PHIDIPPIDES. He has fixed two days for the summons, the last day of the +old moon and the first day of the new; but the deposits must only be paid +on the first day of the new moon. + +STREPSIADES. And why did he also name the last day of the old? + +PHIDIPPIDES. So, my dear sir, that the debtors, being there the day +before, might free themselves by mutual agreement, or that else, if not, +the creditor might begin his action on the morning of the new moon. + +STREPSIADES. Why then do the magistrates have the deposits paid on the +last of the month and not the next day? + +PHIDIPPIDES. I think they do as the gluttons do, who are the first to +pounce upon the dishes. Being eager to carry off these deposits, they +have them paid in a day too soon. + +STREPSIADES. Splendid! Ah! poor brutes,[567] who serve for food to us +clever folk! You are only down here to swell the number, true blockheads, +sheep for shearing, heap of empty pots! Hence I will sound the note of +victory for my son and myself. "Oh! happy, Strepsiades! what cleverness +is thine! and what a son thou hast here!" Thus my friends and my +neighbours will say, jealous at seeing me gain all my suits. But come in, +I wish to regale you first. + +PASIAS (_to his witness_). A man should never lend a single obolus. +'Twould be better to put on a brazen face at the outset than to get +entangled in such matters. I want to see my money again and I bring you +here to-day to attest the loan. I am going to make a foe of a neighbour; +but, as long as I live, I do not wish my country to have to blush for me. +Come, I am going to summon Strepsiades. + +STREPSIADES. Who is this? + +PASIAS. ... for the old day and the new. + +STREPSIADES. I call you to witness, that he has named two days. What do +you want of me? + +PASIAS. I claim of you the twelve minae, which you borrowed from me to +buy the dapple-grey horse. + +STREPSIADES. A horse! do you hear him? I, who detest horses, as is well +known. + +PASIAS. I call Zeus to witness, that you swore by the gods to return them +to me. + +STREPSIADES. Because at that time, by Zeus! Phidippides did not yet know +the irrefutable argument. + +PASIAS. Would you deny the debt on that account? + +STREPSIADES. If not, what use is his science to me? + +PASIAS. Will you dare to swear by the gods that you owe me nothing? + +STREPSIADES. By which gods? + +PASIAS. By Zeus, Hermes and Posidon! + +STREPSIADES. Why, I would give three obols for the pleasure of swearing +by them. + +PASIAS. Woe upon you, impudent knave! + +STREPSIADES. Oh! what a fine wine-skin you would make if flayed! + +PASIAS. Heaven! he jeers at me! + +STREPSIADES. It would hold six gallons easily. + +PASIAS. By great Zeus! by all the gods! you shall not scoff at me with +impunity. + +STREPSIADES. Ah! how you amuse me with your gods! how ridiculous it seems +to a sage to hear Zeus invoked. + +PASIAS. Your blasphemies will one day meet their reward. But, come, will +you repay me my money, yes or no? Answer me, that I may go. + +STREPSIADES. Wait a moment, I am going to give you a distinct answer. +(_Goes indoors and returns immediately with a kneading-trough._) + +PASIAS. What do you think he will do? + +WITNESS. He will pay the debt. + +STREPSIADES. Where is the man who demands money? Tell me, what is this? + +PASIAS. Him? Why he is your kneading-trough. + +STREPSIADES. And you dare to demand money of me, when you are so +ignorant? I will not return an obolus to anyone who says _him_ instead of +_her_ for a kneading-trough. + +PASIAS. You will not repay? + +STREPSIADES. Not if I know it. Come, an end to this, pack off as quick as +you can. + +PASIAS. I go, but, may I die, if it be not to pay my deposit for a +summons. + +STREPSIADES. Very well! 'Twill be so much more to the bad to add to the +twelve minae. But truly it makes me sad, for I do pity a poor simpleton +who says _him_ for a kneading-trough. + +AMYNIAS. Woe! ah woe is me! + +STREPSIADES. Hold! who is this whining fellow? Can it be one of the gods +of Carcinus?[568] + +AMYNIAS. Do you want to know who I am? I am a man of misfortune! + +STREPSIADES. Get on your way then. + +AMYNIAS. Oh! cruel god! Oh Fate, who hath broken the wheels of my +chariot! Oh, Pallas, thou hast undone me![569] + +STREPSIADES. What ill has Tlepolemus done you? + +AMYNIAS. Instead of jeering me, friend, make your son return me the money +he has had of me; I am already unfortunate enough. + +STREPSIADES. What money? + +AMYNIAS. The money he borrowed of me. + +STREPSIADES. You have indeed had misfortune, it seems to me. + +AMYNIAS. Yes, by the gods! I have been thrown from a chariot. + +STREPSIADES. Why then drivel as if you had fallen from an ass?[570] + +AMYNIAS. Am I drivelling because I demand my money? + +STREPSIADES. No, no, you cannot be in your right senses. + +AMYNIAS. Why? + +STREPSIADES. No doubt your poor wits have had a shake. + +AMYNIAS. But by Hermes! I will sue you at law, if you do not pay me. + +STREPSIADES. Just tell me; do you think it is always fresh water that +Zeus lets fall every time it rains, or is it always the same water that +the sun pumps over the earth? + +AMYNIAS. I neither know, nor care. + +STREPSIADES. And actually you would claim the right to demand your money, +when you know not a syllable of these celestial phenomena? + +AMYNIAS. If you are short, pay me the interest, at any rate. + +STREPSIADES. What kind of animal is interest? + +AMYNIAS. What? Does not the sum borrowed go on growing, growing every +month, each day as the time slips by? + +STREPSIADES. Well put. But do you believe there is more water in the sea +now than there was formerly? + +AMYNIAS. No, 'tis just the same quantity. It cannot increase. + +STREPSIADES. Thus, poor fool, the sea, that receives the rivers, never +grows, and yet you would have your money grow? Get you gone, away with +you, quick! Ho! bring me the ox-goad! + +AMYNIAS. Hither! you witnesses there! + +STREPSIADES. Come, what are you waiting for? Will you not budge, old nag! + +AMYNIAS. What an insult! + +STREPSIADES. Unless you get a-trotting, I shall catch you and prick up +your behind, you sorry packhorse! Ah! you start, do you? I was about to +drive you pretty fast, I tell you--you and your wheels and your chariot! + +CHORUS. Whither does the passion of evil lead! here is a perverse old +man, who wants to cheat his creditors; but some mishap, which will +speedily punish this rogue for his shameful schemings, cannot fail to +overtake him from to-day. For a long time he has been burning to have his +son know how to fight against all justice and right and to gain even the +most iniquitous causes against his adversaries every one. I think this +wish is going to be fulfilled. But mayhap, mayhap, he will soon wish his +son were dumb rather! + +STREPSIADES. Oh! oh! neighbours, kinsmen, fellow-citizens, help! help! to +the rescue, I am being beaten! Oh! my head! oh! my jaw! Scoundrel! do you +beat your own father! + +PHIDIPPIDES. Yes, father, I do. + +STREPSIADES. See! he admits he is beating me. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Undoubtedly I do. + +STREPSIADES. You villain, you parricide, you gallows-bird! + +PHIDIPPIDES. Go on, repeat your epithets, call me a thousand other names, +an it please you. The more you curse, the greater my amusement! + +STREPSIADES. Oh! you infamous cynic! + +PHIDIPPIDES. How fragrant the perfume breathed forth in your words. + +STREPSIADES. Do you beat your own father? + +PHIDIPPIDES. Aye, by Zeus! and I am going to show you that I do right in +beating you. + +STREPSIADES. Oh, wretch! can it be right to beat a father? + +PHIDIPPIDES. I will prove it to you, and you shall own yourself +vanquished. + +STREPSIADES. Own myself vanquished on a point like this? + +PHIDIPPIDES. 'Tis the easiest thing in the world. Choose whichever of the +two reasonings you like. + +STREPSIADES. Of which reasonings? + +PHIDIPPIDES. The Stronger and the Weaker. + +STREPSIADES. Miserable fellow! Why, 'tis I who had you taught how to +refute what is right, and now you would persuade me it is right a son +should beat his father. + +PHIDIPPIDES. I think I shall convince you so thoroughly that, when you +have heard me, you will not have a word to say. + +STREPSIADES. Well, I am curious to hear what you have to say. + +CHORUS. Consider well, old man, how you can best triumph over him. His +brazenness shows me that he thinks himself sure of his case; he has some +argument which gives him nerve. Note the confidence in his look! But how +did the fight begin? tell the Chorus; you cannot help doing that much. + +STREPSIADES. I will tell you what was the start of the quarrel. At the +end of the meal you wot of, I bade him take his lyre and sing me the air +of Simonides, which tells of the fleece of the ram.[571] He replied +bluntly, that it was stupid, while drinking, to play the lyre and sing, +like a woman when she is grinding barley. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Why, by rights I ought to have beaten and kicked you the +very moment you told me to sing! + +STREPSIADES. That is just how he spoke to me in the house, furthermore he +added, that Simonides was a detestable poet. However, I mastered myself +and for a while said nothing. Then I said to him, 'At least, take a +myrtle branch and recite a passage from Aeschylus to me.'--'For my own +part,' he at once replied, 'I look upon Aeschylus as the first of poets, +for his verses roll superbly; 'tis nothing but incoherence, bombast and +turgidness.' Yet still I smothered my wrath and said, 'Then recite one of +the famous pieces from the modern poets.' Then he commenced a piece in +which Euripides shows, oh! horror! a brother, who violates his own +uterine sister.[572] Then I could no longer restrain myself, and attacked +him with the most injurious abuse; naturally he retorted; hard words were +hurled on both sides, and finally he sprang at me, broke my bones, bore +me to earth, strangled and started killing me! + +PHIDIPPIDES. I was right. What! not praise Euripides, the greatest of our +poets! + +STREPSIADES. He the greatest of our poets! Ah! if I but dared to speak! +but the blows would rain upon me harder than ever. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Undoubtedly, and rightly too. + +STREPSIADES. Rightly! oh! what impudence! to me, who brought you up! when +you could hardly lisp, I guessed what you wanted. If you said _broo, +broo_, well, I brought you your milk; if you asked for _mam mam_, I gave +you bread; and you had no sooner said, _caca_, than I took you outside +and held you out. And just now, when you were strangling me, I shouted, I +bellowed that I would let all go; and you, you scoundrel, had not the +heart to take me outside, so that here, though almost choking, I was +compelled to ease myself. + +CHORUS. Young men, your hearts must be panting with impatience. What is +Phidippides going to say? If, after such conduct, he proves he has done +well, I would not give an obolus for the hide of old men. Come, you, who +know how to brandish and hurl the keen shafts of the new science, find a +way to convince us, give your language an appearance of truth. + +PHIDIPPIDES. How pleasant it is to know these clever new inventions and +to be able to defy the established laws! When I thought only about +horses, I was not able to string three words together without a mistake, +but now that the master has altered and improved me and that I live in +this world of subtle thought, of reasoning and of meditation, I count on +being able to prove satisfactorily that I have done well to thrash my +father. + +STREPSIADES. Mount your horse! By Zeus! I would rather defray the keep of +a four-in-hand team than be battered with blows. + +PHIDIPPIDES. I revert to what I was saying when you interrupted me. And +first, answer me, did you beat me in my childhood? + +STREPSIADES. Why, assuredly, for your good and in your own best interest. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Tell me, is it not right, that in turn I should beat you for +your good? since it is for a man's own best interest to be beaten. What! +must your body be free of blows, and not mine? am I not free-born too? +the children are to weep and the fathers go free? + +STREPSIADES. But... + +PHIDIPPIDES. You will tell me, that according to the law, 'tis the lot of +children to be beaten. But I reply that the old men are children twice +over and that it is far more fitting to chastise them than the young, for +there is less excuse for their faults. + +STREPSIADES. But the law nowhere admits that fathers should be treated +thus. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Was not the legislator who carried this law a man like you +and me? In those days he got men to believe him; then why should not I +too have the right to establish for the future a new law, allowing +children to beat their fathers in turn? We make you a present of all the +blows which were received before this law, and admit that you thrashed us +with impunity. But look how the cocks and other animals fight with their +fathers; and yet what difference is there betwixt them and ourselves, +unless it be that they do not propose decrees? + +STREPSIADES. But if you imitate the cocks in all things, why don't you +scratch up the dunghill, why don't you sleep on a perch? + +PHIDIPPIDES. That has no bearing on the case, good sir; Socrates would +find no connection, I assure you. + +STREPSIADES. Then do not beat at all, for otherwise you have only +yourself to blame afterwards. + +PHIDIPPIDES. What for? + +STREPSIADES. I have the right to chastise you, and you to chastise your +son, if you have one. + +PHIDIPPIDES. And if I have not, I shall have cried in vain, and you will +die laughing in my face. + +STREPSIADES. What say you, all here present? It seems to me that he is +right, and I am of opinion that they should be accorded their right. If +we think wrongly, 'tis but just we should be beaten. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Again, consider this other point. + +STREPSIADES. 'Twill be the death of me. + +PHIDIPPIDES. But you will certainly feel no more anger because of the +blows I have given you. + +STREPSIADES. Come, show me what profit I shall gain from it. + +PHIDIPPIDES. I shall beat my mother just as I have you. + +STREPSIADES. What do you say? what's that you say? Hah! this is far worse +still. + +PHIDIPPIDES. And what if I prove to you by our school reasoning, that one +ought to beat one's mother? + +STREPSIADES. Ah! if you do that, then you will only have to throw +yourself along with Socrates and his reasoning, into the Barathrum.[573] +Oh! Clouds! all our troubles emanate from you, from you, to whom I +entrusted myself, body and soul. + +CHORUS. No, you alone are the cause, because you have pursued the path of +evil. + +STREPSIADES. Why did you not say so then, instead of egging on a poor +ignorant old man? + +CHORUS. We always act thus, when we see a man conceive a passion for what +is evil; we strike him with some terrible disgrace, so that he may learn +to fear the gods. + +STREPSIADES. Alas! oh Clouds! 'tis hard indeed, but 'tis just! I ought +not to have cheated my creditors.... But come, my dear son, come with me +to take vengeance on this wretched Chaerephon and on Socrates, who have +deceived us both. + +PHIDIPPIDES. I shall do nothing against our masters. + +STREPSIADES. Oh! show some reverence for ancestral Zeus! + +PHIDIPPIDES. Mark him and his ancestral Zeus! What a fool you are! Does +any such being as Zeus exist? + +STREPSIADES. Why, assuredly. + +PHIDIPPIDES. No, a thousand times no! The ruler of the world is the +Whirlwind, that has unseated Zeus. + +STREPSIADES. He has not dethroned him. I believed it, because of this +whirligig here. Unhappy wretch that I am! I have taken a piece of clay to +be a god. + +PHIDIPPIDES. Very well! Keep your stupid nonsense for your own +consumption. (_Exit_.) + +STREPSIADES. Oh! what madness! I had lost my reason when I threw over the +gods through Socrates' seductive phrases. Oh! good Hermes, do not destroy +me in your wrath. Forgive me; their babbling had driven me crazy. Be my +councillor. Shall I pursue them at law or shall I...? Order and I +obey.--You are right, no law-suit; but up! let us burn down the home of +those praters. Here, Xanthias, here! take a ladder, come forth and arm +yourself with an axe; now mount upon the school, demolish the roof, if +you love your master, and may the house fall in upon them, Ho! bring me a +blazing torch! There is more than one of them, arch-impostors as they +are, on whom I am determined to have vengeance. + +A DISCIPLE. Oh! oh! + +STREPSIADES. Come, torch, do your duty! Burst into full flame! + +DISCIPLE. What are you up to? + +STREPSIADES. What am I up to? Why, I am entering upon a subtle argument +with the beams of the house. + +SECOND DISCIPLE. Hullo! hullo! who is burning down our house? + +STREPSIADES. The man whose cloak you have appropriated. + +SECOND DISCIPLE. But we are dead men, dead men! + +STREPSIADES. That is just exactly what I hope, unless my axe plays me +false, or I fall and break my neck. + +SOCRATES. Hi! you fellow on the roof, what are you doing up there? + +STREPSIADES. I traverse the air and contemplate the sun.[574] + +SOCRATES. Ah! ah! woe is upon me! I am suffocating! + +CHAEREPHON. Ah! you insulted the gods! Ah! you studied the face of the +moon! Chase them, strike and beat them down! Forward! they have richly +deserved their fate--above all, by reason of their blasphemies. + +CHORUS. So let the Chorus file off the stage. Its part is played. + + * * * * * + +FINIS OF "THE CLOUDS" + + * * * * * + +Footnotes: + +[470] He is in one bed and his son is in another; slaves are sleeping +near them. It is night-time. + +[471] The punishment most frequently inflicted upon slaves in the towns +was to send them into the country to work in the fields, but at the +period when the 'Clouds' was presented, 424 B.C., the invasions of the +Peloponnesians forbade the pursuit of agriculture. Moreover, there +existed the fear, that if the slaves were punished too harshly, they +might go over to the enemy. + +[472] Among the Greeks, each month was divided into three decades. The +last of the month was called [Greek: en_e kai nea], the day of the old +and the new or the day of the new moon, and on that day interest, which +it was customary to pay monthly, became due. + +[473] Literally, the horse marked with the [Greek: koppa] ([Symbol: +Letter 'koppa']), a letter of the older Greek alphabet, afterwards +disused, which distinguished the thoroughbreds. + +[474] Phidippides dreams that he is driving in a chariot race, and that +an opponent is trying to cut into his track. + +[475] There was a prize specially reserved for war-chariots in the games +of the Athenian hippodrome; being heavier than the chariots generally +used, they doubtless had to cover a lesser number of laps, which explains +Phidippides' question. + +[476] The wife of Alcmaeon, a descendant of Nestor, who, driven from +Messenia by the Heraclidae, came to settle in Athens in the twelfth +century, and was the ancestor of the great family of the Alcmaeonidae, +Pericles and Alcibiades belonged to it. + +[477] The Greek word for horse is [Greek: hippos]. + +[478] Derived from [Greek: pheidesthai], to save. + +[479] The name Phidippides contains both words, [Greek: hippos], horse, +and [Greek: pheidesthai], to save, and was therefore a compromise arrived +at between the two parents. + +[480] The heads of the family of the Alcmaeonidae bore the name of +Megacles from generation to generation. + +[481] A mountain in Attica. + +[482] Aristophanes represents everything belonging to Socrates as being +mean, even down to his dwelling. + +[483] Crates ascribes the same doctrine in one of his plays to the +Pythagorean Hippo, of Samos. + +[484] This is pure calumny. Socrates accepted no payment. + +[485] Here the poet confounds Socrates' disciples with the Stoics. +Contrary to the text, Socrates held that a man should care for his bodily +health. + +[486] One of Socrates' pupils. + +[487] Female footwear. They were a sort of light slipper and white in +colour. + +[488] He calls off their attention by pretending to show them a +geometrical problem and seizes the opportunity to steal something for +supper. The young men who gathered together in the palaestra, or +gymnastic school, were wont there to offer sacrifices to the gods before +beginning the exercises. The offerings consisted of smaller victims, such +as lambs, fowl, geese, etc., and the flesh afterwards was used for their +meal (_vide_ Plato in the 'Lysias'). It is known that Socrates taught +wherever he might happen to be, in the palaestra as well as elsewhere. + +[489] The first of the seven sages, born at Miletus. + +[490] Because of their wretched appearance. The Laconians, blockaded in +Sphacteria, had suffered sorely from famine. + +[491] In fact, this was one of the chief accusations brought against +Socrates by Miletus and Anytus; he was reproached for probing into the +mysteries of nature. + +[492] When the Athenians captured a town, they divided its lands by lot +among the poorer Athenian citizens. + +[493] An allusion to the Athenian love of law-suits and litigation. + +[494] When originally conquered by Pericles, the island of Euboea, off +the coasts of Boeotia and Attica, had been treated with extreme +harshness. + +[495] Is about to add, "you believe in them at all," but checks himself. + +[496] This was the doctrine of Anaximenes. + +[497] The scholiast explains that water-cress robs all plants that grow +in its vicinity of their moisture and that they consequently soon wither +and die. + +[498] In the other Greek towns, the smaller coins were of copper. + +[499] Athamas, King of Thebes. An allusion to a tragedy by Sophocles, in +which Athamas is dragged before the altar of Zeus with his head circled +with a chaplet, to be there sacrificed; he is, however, saved by +Heracles. + +[500] No doubt Socrates sprinkled flour over the head of Strepsiades in +the same manner as was done with the sacrificial victims. + +[501] The mysteries of Eleusis celebrated in the Temple of Demeter. + +[502] A mountain of Attica, north of Athens. + +[503] Sybaris, a town of Magna Graecia (Lucania), destroyed by the +Crotoniates in 709 B.C., was rebuilt by the Athenians under the name of +Thurium in 444 B.C. Ten diviners had been sent with the Athenian +settlers. + +[504] A parody of the dithyrambic style. + +[505] Hieronymus, a dithyrambic poet and reputed an infamous pederast. + +[506] When guests at the nuptials of Pirithous, King of the Lapithae, and +Hippodamia, they wanted to carry off and violate the bride. That, +according to legend, was the origin of their war against the Lapithae. +Hieronymus is likened to the Centaurs on account of his bestial passion. + +[507] A general, incessantly scoffed at by Aristophanes because of his +cowardice. + +[508] Aristophanes frequently mentions him as an effeminate and debauched +character. + +[509] A celebrated sophist, born at Ceos, and a disciple of Protagoras. +When sent on an embassy by his compatriots to Athens, he there publicly +preached on eloquence, and had for his disciples Euripides, Isocrates and +even Socrates. His "fifty drachmae lecture" has been much spoken of; that +sum had to be paid to hear it. + +[510] These three men have already been referred to. + +[511] A promontory of Attica (the modern Cape Colonna) about fifty miles +from the Piraeus. Here stood a magnificent Temple, dedicated to Athené. + +[512] The opening portion of the parabasis belongs to a second edition of +the 'Clouds.' Aristophanes had been defeated by Cratinus and Amipsias, +whose pieces, called the 'Bottle' and 'Connus,' had been crowned in +preference to the 'Clouds,' which, it is said, was not received any +better at its second representation. + +[513] Two characters introduced into the 'Daedalians' by Aristophanes in +strong contrast to each other. Some fragments only of this piece remain +to us. + +[514] It was only at the age of thirty, according to some, of forty, +according to others, that a man could present a piece in his own name. +The 'Daedalians' had appeared under the auspices of Cleonides and +Chalistrates, whom we find again later as actors in Aristophanes' pieces. + +[515] Allusion to the recognition of Orestes by Electra at her brother's +tomb. (_See_ the 'Choëphorae' of Aeschylus.) + +[516] An image of the penis, drooping in this case, instead of standing, +carried as a phallic emblem in the Dionysiac processions. + +[517] A licentious dance. + +[518] This coarse way of exciting laughter, says the scholiast, had been +used by Eupolis, the comic writer, a rival of Aristophanes. + +[519] In the 'Knights.' + +[520] Presented in 421 B.C. The 'Clouds' having been played a second time +in 419 B.C., one may conclude that this piece had appeared a third time +on the Athenian stage. + +[521] Doubtless a parody of the legend of Andromeda. + +[522] A poet of the older comedy, who had written forty plays. It is said +that he dared to accuse Aspasia, the mistress of Pericles, of impiety and +the practice of prostitution. + +[523] Cleon. + +[524] This part of the parabasis belongs to the first edition of the +'Clouds,' since Aristophanes here speaks of Cleon as alive. + +[525] A mountain in Delos, dedicated to Apollo and Diana. + +[526] Artemis. + +[527] An allusion to the reform, which the astronomer Meton had wanted to +introduce into the calendar. Cleostratus of Tenedos, at the beginning of +the fifth century, had devised the _octaeteris_, or cycle of eight years, +and this had been generally adopted. This is how this system arrived at +an agreement between the solar and the lunar periods: 8 solar years +containing 2922 days, while 8 lunar years only contain 2832 days, there +was a difference of 90 days, for which Cleostratus compensated by +intercalating 3 months of 30 days each, which were placed after the +third, fifth and eighth year of the cycle. Hence these years had an extra +month each. But in this system, the lunar months had been reckoned as 354 +days, whereas they are really 354 days, 8 hours, 48 minutes. To rectify +this minor error Meton invented a cycle of 19 years, which bears his +name. This new system which he tried to introduce naturally caused some +disturbance in the order of the festivals, and for this or some other +reason his system was not adopted. The octaeteris continued to be used +for all public purposes, the only correction being, that three extra days +were added to every second octaeteris. + +[528] Both sons of Zeus. + +[529] Hyperbolus had supported Meton in his desire for reform. Having +been sent as the Athenian deputy to the council of the Amphictyons, he +should, like his colleagues, have returned to Athens with his head +wreathed with laurel. It is said the wind took this from him; the Clouds +boast of the achievement. + +[530] These are poetical measures; Strepsiades thinks measures of +capacity are meant. + +[531] Containing four _choenixes_. + +[532] So called from its stirring, warlike character; it was composed of +two dactyls and a spondee, followed again by two dactyls and a spondee. + +[533] Composed of dactyls and anapaests. + +[534] [Greek: Daktylos] means, of course, both _dactyl_, name of a +metrical foot, and finger. Strepsiades presents his middle finger, with +the other fingers and thumb bent under in an indecent gesture meant to +suggest the penis and testicles. The Romans for this reason called the +middle finger 'digitus infamis,' the _unseemly finger_. The Emperor Nero +is said to have offered his hand to courtiers to kiss sometimes in this +indecent way. + +[535] Meaning he was too poor, Aristophanes represents him as a glutton +and a parasite. + +[536] A woman's name. + +[537] He is classed as a woman because of his cowardice and effeminacy. + +[538] In Greek, the vocative of Amynias is Amynia; thus it has a feminine +termination. + +[539] The Corinthians, the allies of Sparta, ravaged Attica. [Greek: +Kor], the first portion of the Greek word, is the root of the word which +means a bug in the same language. + +[540] Mirrors, or burning glasses, are meant, such as those used by +Archimedes two centuries later at the siege of Syracuse, when he set the +Roman fleet on fire from the walls of the city. + +[541] That is, the family of the Alcmaeonidae; Coesyra was wife of +Alcmaeon. + +[542] Socrates was an Athenian; but the atheist Diagoras, known as 'the +enemy of the gods' hailed from the island of Melos. Strepsiades, +crediting Socrates with the same incredulity, assigns him the same +birthplace. + +[543] i.e. the enemies of the gods. An allusion to the giants, the sons +of Earth, who had endeavoured to scale heaven. + +[544] Pericles had squandered all the wealth accumulated in the Acropolis +upon the War. When he handed in his accounts, he refused to explain the +use of a certain twenty talents and simply said, "_I spent them on what +was necessary_." Upon hearing of this reply, the Lacedaemonians, who were +already discontented with their kings, Cleandrides and Plistoanax, whom +they accused of carrying on the war in Attica with laxness, exiled the +first-named and condemned the second to payment of a fine of fifteen +talents for treachery. In fact, the Spartans were convinced that Pericles +had kept silent as to what he had done with the twenty talents, because +he did not want to say openly, "_I gave this sum to the Kings of +Lacedaemon_." + +[545] The basket in which Aristophanes shows us Socrates suspended to +bring his mind nearer to the subtle regions of air. + +[546] The scholiast tells us that Just Discourse and Unjust Discourse +were brought upon the stage in cages, like cocks that are going to fight. +Perhaps they were even dressed up as cocks, or at all events wore cocks' +heads as their masks. + +[547] In the language of the schools of philosophy just reasoning was +called 'the stronger'--[Greek: ho kreitt_on logos], unjust reasoning, +'the weaker'--[Greek: ho h_ett_on logos]. + +[548] A character in one of the tragedies of Aeschylus, a beggar and a +clever, plausible speaker. + +[549] A sycophant and a quibbler, renowned for his unparalleled bad faith +in the law-suits he was perpetually bringing forward. + +[550] The opening words of two hymns, attributed to Lamprocles, an +ancient lyric poet, the son or the pupil of Medon. + +[551] A poet and musician of Mitylené, who gained the prize of the lyre +at the Panathenaea in 457 B.C. He lived at the Court of Hiero, where, +Suidas says, he was at first a slave and the cook. He added two strings +to the lyre, which hitherto had had only seven. He composed effeminate +airs of a style unknown before his day. + +[552] Zeus had a temple in the citadel of Athens under the name of +Polieus or protector of the city; bullocks were sacrificed to him +(Buphonia). In the days of Aristophanes, these feasts had become +neglected. + +[553] One of the oldest of the dithyrambic poets. + +[554] Used by the ancient Athenians to keep their hair in place. The +custom was said to have a threefold significance; by it the Athenians +wanted to show that they were musicians, autochthons (i.e. indigenous to +the country) and worshippers of Apollo. Indeed, grasshoppers were +considered to sing with harmony; they swarmed on Attic soil and were +sacred to Phoebus, the god of music. + +[555] Telesippus, Demophon and Pericles by name; they were a byword at +Athens for their stupidity. Hippocrates was a general. + +[556] The famous gardens of the Academia, just outside the walls of +Athens; they included gymnasia, lecture halls, libraries and picture +galleries. Near by was a wood of sacred olives. + +[557] Apparently the historian of that name is meant; in any case it +cannot refer to the celebrated epic poet, author of the 'Thebaïs.' + +[558] Among the Greeks, hot springs bore the generic name of 'Baths of +Heracles.' A legend existed that these had gushed forth spontaneously +beneath the tread of the hero, who would plunge into them and there +regain fresh strength to continue his labours. + +[559] King of Pylos, according to Homer, the wisest of all the Greeks. + +[560] Peleus, son of Aeacus, having resisted the appeals of Astydamia, +the wife of Acastus, King of Iolchos, was denounced to her husband by her +as having wished to seduce her, so that she might be avenged for his +disdain. Acastus in his anger took Peleus to hunt with him on Mount +Pelion, there deprived him of his weapons and left him a prey to wild +animals. He was about to die, when Hermes brought him a sword forged by +Hephaestus. + +[561] Thetis, to escape the solicitations of Peleus, assumed in turn the +form of a bird, of a tree, and finally of a tigress; but Peleus learnt of +Proteus the way of compelling Thetis to yield to his wishes. The gods +were present at his nuptials and made the pair rich presents. + +[562] According to the scholiast, an adulterer was punished in the +following manner: a radish was forced up his rectum, then every hair was +torn out round that region, and the portion so treated was then covered +with burning embers. + +[563] Having said this, Just Discourse threw his cloak into the +amphitheatre and took a seat with the spectators. + +[564] Because it never rains there; for all other reasons residence in +Egypt was looked upon as undesirable. + +[565] That is, the last day of the month. + +[566] By Athenian law, if anyone summoned another to appear before the +Courts, he was obliged to deposit a sum sufficient to cover the costs of +procedure. + +[567] He points to an earthenware sphere, placed at the entrance of +Socrates' dwelling, and which was intended to represent the Whirlwind, +the deity of the philosophers. This sphere took the place of the column +which the Athenians generally dedicated to Apollo, and which stood in the +vestibule of their houses. + +[568] An Athenian poet, who is said to have left one hundred and sixty +tragedies behind him; he only once carried off the prize. Doubtless he +had introduced gods or demi-gods bewailing themselves into one of his +tragedies. + +[569] This exclamation, "Oh! Pallas, thou hast undone me!" and the reply +of Strepsiades are borrowed, says the scholiast, from a tragedy by +Xenocles, the son of Carcinus. Alcmena is groaning over the death of her +brother, Licymnius, who had been killed by Tlepolemus. + +[570] A proverb, applied to foolish people. + +[571] The ram of Phryxus, the golden fleece of which was hung up on a +beech tree in a field dedicated to Ares in Colchis. + +[572] The subject of Euripides' 'Aeolus.' Since among the Athenians it +was lawful to marry a half-sister, if not born of the same mother, +Strepsiades mentions here that it was his _uterine_ sister, whom Macareus +dishonoured, thus committing both rape and incest. + +[573] A cleft in the rocks at the back of the Acropolis at Athens, into +which criminals were hurled. + +[574] He repeats the words of Socrates at their first interview, in +mockery. + + + + +INDEX + + +A + +Academia, gardens of +Acharnae, hostages of +--inhabitants of +--township of +Acharnians, date fixed +--date of +Adonis, festivals of +Adultery, punishment of +Aegaean, Islands of +Aegeus, a mythical king +Aeschylus, character from +--plays after death +Aesop, Fable of +Aetolian, meaning of +Age fixed for playwrights +Agoracritus, crime imputed +--meaning of +Alcibiades, his father +Amorgos silks +Amphitheus, play on word +Amyclae, town near Sparta +Anagyra, town, an obstacle +Anapaests, reference to +Anaximenes, doctrine of +Andromeda, legend parodied +Anthesteria. See Dionysia +Antimachus, the historian +Apaturia, a feast +--festival of +Aphrodité Colias, the goddess of sensual love +Archeptolemus, treatment of +Archers, as policemen +Archilochus, singer of his own shame +Archimedes, fires Roman fleet +Argives (the), their misfortune +Army, Athenian +Artemesia, the Queen +Artemis, the huntress +Artemisium, naval battle of +Artichokes, to make tender +Arignotus, a soothsayer +Ariphrades, obscene habits +--a flute-player +Aristogiton, a conspirator +Aristophanes, anonymity of +--bald +--defeated +--land-owner +Assemblies, forced attendance of citizens +Athamas, a condemned king +Athené, the goddess +--protection claimed +--seen in dream +Athenian women, fond of wine + +B + +"Babylonians," (The), a lost play +Bacchus, festivals of +Bacis, a soothsayer +Bagpipes, ancient +Barathrum, cleft of rock +--place of execution +Basket-bearers, the +Baths of Heracles +Beans, used for voting +Beetle, flying on a +Beetles, names of boats +Blackmail +Blankets, soiled with urine +Blood, unspilled in sacrifice +Boasting derided +Boeotians, the +Boulomachus, meaning of +Boy's name, dispute over +Brasidas, fell in Thrace +Brauron, its temple +"Brazen House," the +Bread, used for finger-wiping +Buckler, swearing over +Bucklers, as trophies +Bupalus, the sculptor +Byrsina, why hateful + +C + +Cabirian gods, mysteries of +Caesyra, an orator +Cage (a) for pigs +Calendar, reform of +Captives of Pylos +Captured towns +Carcinus, a fecund poet +Carcinus and sons, literary insufficiency of +Caria, situation of +Carystus, dissolute city +Catamite, faeces of +Cecrops, legend of +Cecydes, ancient poet +Centaur, legend of +Cephisodemus, an advocate +Ceramicus, burial-place +Ceremonies (sacred) personified +Ceres, sacrificed pigs +Chaerephon, disciple of Socrates +Chaeris, musician ridiculed +Chalcedon, situation of +--the town of +Chaonian, obscene allusion +Chargers, praise of their exploits +Charybdis, the whirlpool +Chastity, reward of +Cheese, as an emblem +Chersonese, towns of +Chians, obscene name of +Children, in procession +Chimney, obscene sense +Cholozyges, mad ox +Chorus (the) protects Agoracritus +Cicadas, use and significance +Cillicon, a traitor +Circus-races, terms of +Citizens (Athenian), four classes of +Clausimachus, meaning of +Cleaenetus, the law as to feeding +Cleomenes, King of Sparta +Cleon, allusion to treachery of +--dead +--disgorges tribute +--exhortation of +--foe of the aristocrats +--his former calling +--his retort +--ill results of reign +--leather-smelling +--mentioned +--the author of woe +--the rôle of +--the use of oracles +--unpaid sailors' wages +--vote of people +Cleonymus +--classed as a woman +--glutton and parasite +--ill-famed +--a general +Clepsydra, a spring +Clisthenes, a debauchee +--an effeminate +--an ill-famed orator +--a low personage +Clitagoras, song writer +Clopidian, meaning of +Cock-fighting, allusion to +Coesyra, wife of Alcmaeon +Collar (iron) for torturing +Connas, a poet +Copper-coins +Cordax (the), licentious dance +Corinth, nickname of +--mentioned +Corinthians, allies of Sparta +Corybantes, priests +Cottabos, a favourite game +Country-home, ousted from +Crab, nickname of Corinth +Cranaus, citadel of +--the King +Crates, a comic poet, character of +Cratinus, a bad living poet +--first lines of poems +--poet and lover of wine +--reference to +--rival to Aristophanes +'Clouds,' the first edition +Crows, go to the, explained +Ctesias, an informer +Cunnilingue, vice of +Cyclocorus, a torrent +Cynecephalus, species of ape +Cynna, a courtesan +--famous courtesan +Cynthia, a mountain + +D + +Dactyl, the double meaning of +'Daedalians,' a lost play +Dance, an obscene +--the kick +Dances, lascivious +Dawn, the, time for love +Dead (the), a custom +Demagogues, secret of power +Demos, double meaning of +Demosthenes, a reproach of +Demostratus, a statesman +Depilation, referred to +Diagoras, the atheist +Dicaeopolis, meaning of +Dionysia, feasts +--the basket-bearer +Dionysus, statue of, place of honour +Diopithes, a bribe-taker +Discourse, Just and Unjust +Dog, a skinned, proverb +"Dog-fox," a brothel-keeper +--meaning of +Dogs, lubricity of +Dolphins, where worshipped +Double meanings, obscene +Dream, a +Drunken habits, results of + +E + +Eagle and beetle, a fable +Earth, sons of the +Earthquakes, Sparta menaced +Ecbatana, King's residence +Ecclesia, the, or Parliament +Ecclesiasts, their salary +Echinus, town of +Eclipses, allusion to +Eels, certain, esteemed +--with beet +Egypt, residence in +Election, character of +Electra, reference to +Eleusis, mysteries of +Elymnium, a temple +Embassies, dismissed +Erectheus, identity of +Eucrates, Athenian general +--hiding-place of +--statesman +Euminides, temples of refuge +Eupolis, a comic writer +Euripides, a line from +--"Aeolus," subject of +--his mother +--his talent +--lost tragedy of +--parodied +--satirised +--verse from +Expedition, starting on + +F + +Fear, colour of +Feast of Cups +Fellation, alluded to +Festivals, three days +Fine, fixed by plaintiff +Finger, the, obscene allusion +Fleet (the), counsel concerning +Formula, a sacred + +G + +Gallop (the), in sexual intercourse +Games, war chariots in +"Garden of love," weeded +Garlic, an emblem +--for game-cocks +--the smell of +Genetyllides, minor deities +Genius, Good, explained +Glanis, invented name +"Goddesses (by the two)" +_Godemiché_, alluded to +Gods, the, belief in +Gorgon's head +Gorgons (the), name for gluttons +Grasshoppers +Greek stage, device of +Greenstuff, offered to gods +Gryttus, an orator +Gull, allusion to Cleon + +H + +Harmodius, assassin esteemed +--song in honour +Harpies (the), symbol of voracity +Heliasts, the, at Athens +--tribunal of +Hermippus, celebrated comic poet +Hephaestus, sword of +Heracles, as a glutton +_Hermae_, figures of the god +Hermes, conducts dead souls +--god of chance, and thieves +promised worship +Hieronymus, an obscure poet +--poet and pederast +Hippias, the Tyranny of +Hippocrates, sons of the general +Hipponax, satiric poet, ugliness of +Homeric verses, adapted +Hippo of Samos, doctrine +Honey, emblem of honey +Horse, marking of +Horses, good breed +Hyperbolus, a demagogue +--a general + +I + +Iliad, the, verses from +Incest with rape +Informers warned off +Initiated (the), after death +Invasion, result of +Iolas, a Theban hero +Ion (of Chios), a successful poet +Ionians, meaning +Isthmus, obscene pun + +J + +Jargon, meaningless +Jest, an obscene +_Judicatum solvi_ at Athens +Julius, a miser + +K + +Kneaded (to be), obscene +"Knockabouts," ancient + +L + +Lacratides, Archon +Lamachus, a brave general +Lame heroes, in plays +Lamprocles, a lyric poet +Language, used by orators +Laurel, the, carried off by wind +Law-costs, defendants' +Lawsuit against aliens +Lawsuits, Athenians' love of +--pretexts for +Leather, dominated by +--the market +Lemnos, ominous of misfortune +Lenaea. See Dionysia +Leonidas, hero of Thermopylae +"Let us drink," a song +Lipsydrion, fortified town +Loaves, Boeotian +"_Love and lewdness_" +Lyceum (the) +Lysicles, dealer in sheep +--husband of Aspasia +Lysimacha, derivation of +Lysistratus, a debauchee +--poverty of + +M + +Macareus rapes sister +_Mad Ox_, a nickname +Magnes, the comic poet +Male sexual organ, pun on +"_Many good men_" +"Maricas," play by Eupolis +Marpsias, an orator +Medimni, a measure +Megacles, family name +Megara, ally to Sparta +Megarians, boycotted +--(the), their sufferings +Melanion, chaste as +Melanthius, "Medea," tragedy by +--poet and gourmand +_Membrum virile_, punned upon +Micon, famous painter +Mice (the), a play +Mina, value of +Mines (silver), source of wealth +Mirrors, or burning glasses +Mitylené, city of +Modes of love, allusions to different +Month (the), how divided +Moon, the old and new +Mothon, an obscene dance +Morsimus, the poet +Morychus of Athens +Mountains, the golden +Mount Taygetus +Myronides, famous general +Mysian Telephus (the) + +N + +Names, fancy +Navarino, Battle of +Nero, Emperor, his finger +Nestor, the wise king +Nicarchus, an informer +Nicias, Greek general, satire on courage of + +O + +Oath, over a buckler +Obolus, "the honest penny" +Odomanti, a tribe +Offering, the priest's part +Old men, ridiculed +Olive branches, when carried +Olympus, a musician +Omens, their effect +Opora, the goddess +Opportunity, neglected +Opposite (the) to word expected +Oracles, belief in +--obscurity satirised +Orators, pederastic habits of +Orestes, symbol of rage +Oreus, a town +Orsilochus, brothel-keeper +Orthian mode, described + +P + +Pan, King of the Satyrs +Panathenaea, a festival +--(the), promised to Hermes +Pandeletus, renowned quibbler +Pandion, statue of +Paphlagonian tanner +--meaning of +Parabis, character of +Parliament (the), Athenian +Parnes, mountain of +Pauson, a painter +Peace, efforts for +Pederasty, school for oratory +Pegasus, in Euripides +--steed of Perseus +Peleus, accused of seduction +Pellené, a city, also name of courtesan +Penis, the drooping, as emblem +Penny royal, effect on fruit-eating +Peplus, the sacred, uses of +Pericles, maltreats conquered people +--squanders wealth +Periclides, chief of embassy +Persian buskins +Persians, alliance with Spartans +Perfumes, Rhodian +Pergasae +Phales, god of generation +Phallus (the), an emblem +Phallics. See Phallus +Phayllus, an athlete +Pheax, special pleader +Phelleus, a mountain +Pherecrates, playwright +Phidias, reward of work +Philocles, sons of +Philostratus, identity lost +Phormio, a great general +--a successful general +--famous admiral +Phrynis, poet and musician +Phryxus, ram of +Phylarch, cavalry captain +Phylé, a fortress of Attica +Pigs immolated +Pillar, used for treaties +Pimples, a swinish disease +Pindar, borrowed from +Piraeus, the +Pisander, a braggart captain +--revolutionary leader +Pittalus, a physician +Pleasures, wanton +Pnyx, purpose used for +Poetry, measures of +Poets, seduce young men +--supply theatrical gear +"_Poseidon and boat_" +Posidon, god of earthquakes +Potidaea, a tributary town +Pramnium, wine or +Prasiae, a town +Prepis, a vile pathic +Priapus, god of gardens +Prisoners, objects of sale +Prisoners, Spartan +Processions, barred to married women +Prodicus, celebrated sophist +Prytanes, duties of +--(the), their functions +Prytaneum, meals, why given +Pseudartabas, the King's Eye +Pun, far-fetched +--of ill omen +--on "father" and cowardice +--on word Pylos +Punishment (of slaves) +Pyanepsia, a festival +Pylos, history of +--barley, meaning +--the affair of +--towns of +Pyrrandrus, origin of name +Pythagorean doctrine + +Q + +Question before sacrificing + +R + +Radishes, used as punishment +Rape and incest +Reasoning, names for + +S + +Salabaccha, famous courtesan +Salamis, the island of +Samos, friend to Athens +Samothrace, the island of +Samphoras, mark of horses +"Scythian woman" +Semi-sextarius, the +Senate, admission to +--how composed +Seriphian, island of +Sesame-cake, emblem of fecundity +Shoes, taken off +Sibyrtius, the son of +Sicilian Expedition (the) +Sicily, towns of +Sicyonians, blood in sacrifice +Silphium, a plant +Simonides, a timeserver +--song-writer +Sisters, marriage of half- +Sisyphus, his cunning +Sitalces, a king +_Skytalé_, used for despatches +Slaves, names of +Smicythes, the King +Socrates, basket used for meditation +--calumniated +--chief accusation against +--his birthplace +--his meanness +--taught everywhere +--teaching _re_ bodily health +--sprinkles flour +--words mocked at +Soldiers, inexpert at speaking +Soldier's nation +Sophocles, writing for gain +Sow, obscene pun on word +Spartans (the), prisoners +--malicious +Speeches, limited by clocks +Sphere, earthenware +Stage (the Greek), contrivance of +--(the), of theatre +State treasure +Stealing, under pretence of teaching +Steeds, exploits of +Stilbides, a diviner +Stone seats, where used +Strangers, at Athens +Strategi (the) +Strato, orator of ill-fame +Stupidity, in government +Suidas, referred to +Sunium, temple of +Sybaris, a town +Sybil (the), of Delphi +Syrmaea, a purgative + +T + +Tail, when burning +Tails, animals without +Tambourines, with lewd dancing +Telamon, war-song writer +--"Telephus," a lost play +--Tents at Olympic games +"Tereus," a lost play +Thales, mentioned +Thasian wine +Theagenes, an evil liver +--wife +Themistocles, work for Athens +--death, 33 +Theognis, a poet sans life +Theophanes, identity of +Theoria, why in care of Senate +Thetis, solicited by Peleus +Thucydides, references to +Thumantis unhoused +Timocreon, song of +Timon, the misanthrope +Toad-eaters, orators +Treachery, reward of +Tributes, paid to Athens +Trierarch, duties of +Tricorysus, gnat-haunted +Truces, how personified +Tyndarus, sons of + +V + +Vegetables, at feast of Dionysia +Vessels (Grecian), allusion to crew +Vintages, result of peace +Violation of brides, origin of war +Vocative (the), in Ionic + +W + +Wages of rowers, how avoided +War-chariots, prize for +War, hardships +--results of, Peloponnesian +"Wasps (The)," verses from +Water-cress, depredations of +Wealth, given to traitors +Whirlwind, the, as deity +"_Who is here?_" +Wind, the, snatches off laurel +Wine, water in +Wines, symbolic +Women, Athenian, love of wine +--lascivious dancing +Women, loose, wear silk +Wrestling school, place of pederasty + +X + +_Xenocles_, a line from + +Z + +Zacynthus, an island +Zeus, appealed to +--sons of +Zeus Polieus +Zeuxis, the painter + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE ELEVEN COMEDIES *** + +This file should be named 8688-8.txt or 8688-8.zip + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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