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+**The Project Gutenberg Etext of Philosophy 4, by Owen Wister**
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+Philosophy 4
+A Story of Harvard University
+
+
+by Owen Wister
+
+March, 1997 [Etext #862]
+
+
+**The Project Gutenberg Etext of Philosophy 4, by Owen Wister**
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+
+PHILOSOPHY 4
+A STORY OF HARVARD UNIVERSITY
+
+BY OWEN WISTER
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+
+
+Two frowning boys sat in their tennis flannels beneath the glare of lamp
+and gas. Their leather belts were loosened, their soft pink shirts
+unbuttoned at the collar. They were listening with gloomy voracity to
+the instruction of a third. They sat at a table bared of its customary
+sporting ornaments, and from time to time they questioned, sucked their
+pencils, and scrawled vigorous, laconic notes. Their necks and faces
+shone with the bloom of out-of-doors. Studious concentration was
+evidently a painful novelty to their features. Drops of perspiration
+came one by one from their matted hair, and their hands dampened the
+paper upon which they wrote. The windows stood open wide to the May
+darkness, but nothing came in save heat and insects; for spring, being
+behind time, was making up with a sultry burst at the end, as a delayed
+train makes the last few miles high above schedule speed. Thus it has
+been since eight o'clock. Eleven was daintily striking now. Its
+diminutive sonority might have belonged to some church-bell far distant
+across the Cambridge silence; but it was on a shelf in the room,--a
+timepiece of Gallic design, representing Mephistopheles, who caressed
+the world in his lap. And as the little strokes boomed, eight--nine--
+ten--eleven, the voice of the instructor steadily continued thus:--
+
+"By starting from the Absolute Intelligence, the chief cravings of the
+reason, after unity and spirituality, receive due satisfaction.
+Something transcending the Objective becomes possible. In the Cogito
+the relation of subject and object is implied as the primary condition
+of all knowledge. Now, Plato never--"
+
+"Skip Plato," interrupted one of the boys. "You gave us his points
+yesterday."
+
+"Yep," assented the other, rattling through the back pages of his notes.
+"Got Plato down cold somewhere,--oh, here. He never caught on to the
+subjective, any more than the other Greek bucks. Go on to the next
+chappie."
+
+"If you gentlemen have mastered the--the Grreek bucks," observed the
+instructor, with sleek intonation, "we--"
+
+"Yep," said the second tennis boy, running a rapid judicial eye over his
+back notes, "you've put us on to their curves enough. Go on."
+
+The instructor turned a few pages forward in the thick book of his own
+neat type-written notes and then resumed,--
+
+"The self-knowledge of matter in motion."
+
+"Skip it," put in the first tennis boy.
+
+"We went to those lectures ourselves," explained the second, whirling
+through another dishevelled notebook. "Oh, yes. Hobbes and his gang.
+There is only one substance, matter, but it doesn't strictly exist.
+Bodies exist. We've got Hobbes. Go on."
+
+The instructor went forward a few pages more in his exhaustive volume.
+He had attended all the lectures but three throughout the year, taking
+them down in short-hand. Laryngitis had kept him from those three, to
+which however, he had sent a stenographic friend so that the chain was
+unbroken. He now took up the next philosopher on the list; but his
+smooth discourse was, after a short while, rudely shaken. It was the
+second tennis boy questioning severely the doctrines imparted.
+
+"So he says color is all your eye, and shape isn't? and substance
+isn't?"
+
+"Do you mean he claims," said the first boy, equally resentful, "that if
+we were all extinguished the world would still be here, only there'd be
+no difference between blue and pink, for instance?"
+
+"The reason is clear," responded the tutor, blandly. He adjusted his
+eyeglasses, placed their elastic cord behind his ear, and referred to
+his notes. "It is human sight that distinguishes between colors. If
+human sight be eliminated from the universe, nothing remains to make the
+distinction, and consequently there will be none. Thus also is it with
+sounds. If the universe contains no ear to hear the sound, the sound
+has no existence."
+
+"Why?" said both the tennis boys at once.
+
+The tutor smiled. "Is it not clear," said he, "that there can be no
+sound if it is not heard!"
+
+"No," they both returned, "not in the least clear."
+
+"It's clear enough what he's driving at of course, "pursued the first
+boy. "Until the waves of sound or light or what not hit us through our
+senses, our brains don't experience the sensations of sound or light or
+what not, and so, of course, we can't know about them--not until they
+reach us."
+
+"Precisely," said the tutor. He had a suave and slightly alien accent.
+
+"Well, just tell me how that proves a thunder-storm in a desert island
+makes no noise."
+
+"If a thing is inaudible--" began the tutor,
+
+"That's mere juggling!" vociferated the boy," That's merely the same
+kind of toy-shop brain-trick you gave us out of Greek philosophy
+yesterday, They said there was no such thing as motion because at every
+instant of time the moving body had to be somewhere, so how could it get
+anywhere else? Good Lord! I can make up foolishness like that myself.
+For instance: A moving body can never stop. Why? Why, because at every
+instant of time it must be going at a certain rate, so how can it ever
+get slower? Pooh!" He stopped. He had been gesticulating with one
+hand, which he now jammed wrathfully into his pocket.
+
+The tutor must have derived great pleasure from his own smile, for he
+prolonged and deepened and variously modified it while his shiny little
+calculating eyes travelled from one to the other of his ruddy scholars.
+He coughed, consulted his notes, and went through all the paces of
+superiority. "I can find nothing about a body's being unable to stop,"
+said he, gently. "If logic makes no appeal to you, gentlemen--"
+
+"Oh, bunch!" exclaimed the second tennis boy, in the slang of his
+period, which was the early eighties. "Look here. Color has no
+existence outside of our brain - that's the idea?"
+
+The tutor bowed.
+
+"And sound hasn't? and smell hasn't? and taste hasn't?"
+
+The tutor had repeated his little bow after each.
+
+"And that's because they depend on our senses? Very well. But he
+claims solidity and shape and distance do exist independently of us. If
+we all died, they'd he here just the same, though the others wouldn't. A
+flower would go on growing, but it would stop smelling. Very well. Now
+you tell me how we ascertain solidity. By the touch, don't we? Then, if
+there was nobody to touch an object, what then? Seems to me touch is
+just as much of a sense as your nose is." (He meant no personality, but
+the first boy choked a giggle as the speaker hotly followed up his
+thought.)" Seems to me by his reasoning that in a desert island there'd
+be nothing it all--smells or shapes--not even an island. Seems to me
+that's what you call logic."
+
+The tutor directed his smile at the open window. "Berkeley--" said he.
+
+"By Jove!" said the other boy, not heeding him, "and here's another
+point: if color is entirely in my brain, why don't that ink-bottle and
+this shirt look alike to me? They ought to. And why don't a Martini
+cocktail and a cup of coffee taste the same to my tongue?" "Berkeley,"
+attempted the tutor, "demonstrates--"
+
+"Do you mean to say," the boy rushed on, "that there is no eternal
+quality in all these things which when it meets my perceptions compels
+me to see differences?"
+
+The tutor surveyed his notes. "I can discover no such suggestions here
+as you are pleased to make" said he. "But your orriginal researches,"
+he continued most obsequiously, "recall our next subject,--Berkeley and
+the Idealists." And he smoothed out his notes.
+
+"Let's see," said the second boy, pondering; "I went to two or three
+lectures about that time. Berkeley--Berkeley. Didn't he--oh, yes! he
+did. He went the whole hog. Nothing's anywhere except in your ideas.
+You think the table's there, but it isn't. There isn't any table."
+
+The first boy slapped his leg and lighted a cigarette. "I remember,"
+said he. "Amounts to this: If I were to stop thinking about you, you'd
+evaporate."
+
+"Which is balls," observed the second boy, judicially, again in the
+slang of his period, "and can be proved so. For you're not always
+thinking about me, and I've never evaporated once."
+
+The first boy, after a slight wink at the second, addressed the tutor.
+"Supposing you were to happen to forget yourself," said he to that sleek
+gentleman, "would you evaporate?"
+
+The tutor turned his little eyes doubtfully upon the tennis boys, but
+answered, reciting the language of his notes: "The idealistic theory
+does not apply to the thinking ego, but to the world of external
+phenomena. The world exists in our conception of it.
+
+"Then," said the second boy, "when a thing is inconceivable?"
+
+"It has no existence," replied the tutor, complacently.
+
+"But a billion dollars is inconceivable," retorted the boy. "No mind
+can take in a sum of that size; but it exists."
+
+"Put that down! put that down!" shrieked the other boy. "You've struck
+something. If we get Berkeley on the paper, I'll run that in." He
+wrote rapidly, and then took a turn around the room, frowning as he
+walked. "The actuality of a thing," said he, summing his clever
+thoughts up, "is not disproved by its being inconceivable. Ideas alone
+depend upon thought for their existence. There! Anybody can get off
+stuff like that by the yard." He picked up a cork and a foot-rule,
+tossed the cork, and sent it flying out of the window with the
+foot-rule.
+
+"Skip Berkeley," said the other boy.
+
+"How much more is there?"
+
+"Necessary and accidental truths," answered the tutor, reading the
+subjects from his notes. "Hume and the causal law. The duality, or
+multiplicity, of the ego."
+
+"The hard-boiled ego," commented the boy the ruler; and he batted a
+swooping June-bug into space.
+
+"Sit down, idiot," said his sprightly mate."
+
+Conversation ceased. Instruction went forward. Their pencils worked.
+The causal law, etc., went into their condensed notes like Liebig's
+extract of beef, and drops of perspiration continued to trickle from
+their matted hair.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+
+
+Bertie and Billy were sophomores. They had been alive for twenty years,
+and were young. Their tutor was also a sophomore. He too had been
+alive for twenty years, but never yet had become young. Bertie and
+Billy had colonial names (Rogers, I think, and Schuyler), but the
+tutor's name was Oscar Maironi, and he was charging his pupils five
+dollars an hour each for his instruction. Do not think this excessive.
+Oscar could have tutored a whole class of irresponsibles, and by that
+arrangement have earned probably more; but Bertie and Billy had
+preempted him on account of his fame or high standing and accuracy, and
+they could well afford it. All three sophomores alike had happened to
+choose Philosophy 4 as one of their elective courses, and all alike were
+now face to face with the Day of Judgment. The final examinations had
+begun. Oscar could lay his hand upon his studious heart and await the
+Day of Judgment like--I had nearly said a Christian! His notes were
+full: Three hundred pages about Zeno and Parmenides and the rest, almost
+every word as it had come from the professor's lips. And his memory was
+full, too, flowing like a player's lines. With the right cue he could
+recite instantly: "An important application of this principle, with
+obvious reference to Heracleitos, occurs in Aristotle, who says--" He
+could do this with the notes anywhere. I am sure you appreciate Oscar
+and his great power of acquiring facts. So he was ready, like the wise
+virgins of parable. Bertie and Billy did not put one in mind of virgins:
+although they had burned considerable midnight oil, it had not been to
+throw light upon Philosophy 4. In them the mere word Heracleitos had
+raised a chill no later than yesterday,--the chill of the unknown. They
+had not attended the lectures on the "Greek bucks." Indeed, profiting
+by their privilege of voluntary recitations, they had dropped in but
+seldom on Philosophy 4. These blithe grasshoppers had danced and sung
+away the precious storing season, and now that the bleak hour of
+examinations was upon them, their waked-up hearts had felt aghast at the
+sudden vision of their ignorance. It was on a Monday noon that this
+feeling came fully upon them, as they read over the names of the
+philosophers. Thursday was the day of the examination. "Who's
+Anaxagoras?" Billy had inquired of Bertie. "I'll tell you," said
+Bertie, "if you'll tell me who Epicharmos of Kos was." And upon this
+they embraced with helpless laughter. Then they reckoned up the hours
+left for them to learn Epicharmos of Kos in,--between Monday noon and
+Thursday morning at nine,--and their quailing chill increased. A tutor
+must be called in at once. So the grasshoppers, having money, sought
+out and quickly purchased the ant.
+
+Closeted with Oscar and his notes, they had, as Bertie put it, salted
+down the early Greek bucks by seven on Monday evening. By the same
+midnight they had, as Billy expressed it, called the turn on Plato.
+Tuesday was a second day of concentrated swallowing. Oscar had taken
+them through the thought of many centuries. There had been
+intermissions for lunch and dinner only; and the weather was exceedingly
+hot. The pale-skinned Oscar stood this strain better than the
+unaccustomed Bertie and Billy. Their jovial eyes had grown hollow
+to-night, although their minds were going gallantly, as you have
+probably noticed. Their criticisms, slangy and abrupt, struck the
+scholastic Oscar as flippancies which he must indulge, since the pay was
+handsome. That these idlers should jump in with doubts and questions
+not contained in his sacred notes raised in him feelings betrayed just
+once in that remark about "orriginal rresearch."
+
+"Nine--ten--eleven--twelve," went the little timepiece; and Oscar rose.
+
+"Gentlemen," he said, closing the sacred notes, "we have finished the
+causal law."
+
+"That's the whole business except the ego racket, isn't it?" said Billy.
+
+"The duality, or multiplicity of the ego remains," Oscar replied.
+
+"Oh, I know its name. It ought to be a soft snap after what we've had."
+
+"Unless it's full of dates and names you've got to know," said Bertie.
+
+"Don't believe it is," Billy answered. "I heard him at it once." (This
+meant that Billy had gone to a lecture lately.) "It's all about Who am
+I? and How do I do it?" Billy added.
+
+"Hm!" said Bertie. "Hm! Subjective and objective again, I suppose,
+only applied to oneself. You see, that table is objective. I can stand
+off and judge it. It's outside of me; has nothing to do with me. That's
+easy. But my opinion of--well, my--well, anything in my nature--"
+
+"Anger when it's time to get up," suggested Billy.
+
+"An excellent illustration," said Bertie. "That is subjective in me.
+Similar to your dislike of water as a beverage. That is subjective in
+you. But here comes the twist. I can think of my own anger and judge
+it, just as if it were an outside thing, like a table. I can compare it
+with itself on different mornings or with other people's anger. And I
+trust that you can do the same with your thirst."
+
+"Yes," said Billy; "I recognize that it is greater at times and less at
+others."
+
+"Very well, There you are. Duality of the ego."
+
+"Subject and object," said Billy. "Perfectly true, and very queer when
+you try to think of it. Wonder how far it goes? Of course, one can
+explain the body's being an object to the brain inside it. That's mind
+and matter over again. But when my own mind and thought, can become
+objects to themselves--I wonder how far that does go?" he broke off
+musingly. "What useless stuff!" he ended.
+
+"Gentlemen," said Oscar, who had been listening to them with patient,
+Oriental diversion, "I--"
+
+"Oh," said Bertie, remembering him. "Look here. We mustn't keep you
+up. We're awfully obliged for the way you are putting us on to this.
+You're saving our lives. Ten to-morrow for a grand review of the whole
+course."
+
+"And the multiplicity of the ego?" inquired Oscar.
+
+"Oh, I forgot. Well, it's too late tonight. Is it much? Are there
+many dates and names and things?"
+
+"It is more of a general inquiry and analysis," replied Oscar. "But it
+is forty pages of my notes." And he smiled.
+ "Well, look here. It would be nice to have to-morrow clear for
+review. We're not tired. You leave us your notes and go to bed."
+
+Oscar's hand almost moved to cover and hold his precious property, for
+this instinct was the deepest in him. But it did not so move, because
+his intelligence controlled his instinct nearly, though not quite,
+always. His shiny little eyes, however, became furtive and
+antagonistic--something the boys did not at first make out.
+
+Oscar gave himself a moment of silence. "I could not brreak my rule,"
+said he then. "I do not ever leave my notes with anybody. Mr.
+Woodridge asked for my History 3 notes, and Mr. Bailey wanted my notes
+for Fine Arts 1, and I could not let them have them. If Mr. Woodridge
+was to hear--"
+
+"But what in the dickens are you afraid of?"
+
+"Well, gentlemen, I would rather not. You would take good care, I know,
+but there are sometimes things which happen that we cannot help. One
+time a fire--"
+
+At this racial suggestion both boys made the room joyous with mirth.
+Oscar stood uneasily contemplating them. He would never be able to
+understand them, not as long as he lived, nor they him. When their
+mirth Was over he did somewhat better, but it was tardy. You see, he
+was not a specimen of the first rank, or he would have said at once what
+he said now: "I wish to study my notes a little myself, gentlemen."
+
+"Go along, Oscar, with your inflammable notes, go along!" said Bertie,
+in supreme good-humor. "And we'll meet to-morrow at ten--if there
+hasn't been a fire--Better keep your notes in the bath, Oscar."
+
+In as much haste as could be made with a good appearance, Oscar buckled
+his volume in its leather cover, gathered his hat and pencil, and,
+bidding his pupils a very good night, sped smoothly out of the room.
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+
+
+Oscar Maironi was very poor. His thin gray suit in summer resembled his
+thick gray suit in winter. It does not seem that he had more than two;
+but he had a black coat and waistcoat, and a narrow-brimmed, shiny hat
+to go with these, and one pair of patent-leather shoes that laced, and
+whose long soles curved upward at the toe like the rockers of a
+summer-hotel chair. These holiday garments served him in all seasons;
+and when you saw him dressed in them, and seated in a car bound for Park
+Square, you knew he was going into Boston, where he would read
+manuscript essays on Botticelli or Pico della Mirandola, or manuscript
+translations of Armenian folksongs; read these to ecstatic, dim-eyed
+ladies in Newbury Street, who would pour him cups of tea when it was
+over, and speak of his earnestness after he was gone. It did not do the
+ladies any harm; but I am not sure that it was the best thing for Oscar.
+It helped him feel every day, as he stepped along to recitations with
+his elbow clamping his books against his ribs and his heavy black curls
+bulging down from his gray slouch hat to his collar, how meritorious he
+was compared with Bertie and Billy--with all Berties and Billies. He
+may have been. Who shall say? But I will say at once that chewing the
+cud of one's own virtue gives a sour stomach.
+
+Bertie's and Billy's parents owned town and country houses in New York.
+The parents of Oscar had come over in the steerage. Money filled the
+pockets of Bertie and Billy; therefore were their heads empty of money
+and full of less cramping thoughts. Oscar had fallen upon the reverse
+of this fate. Calculation was his second nature. He had given his
+education to himself; he had for its sake toiled, traded, outwitted, and
+saved. He had sent himself to college, where most of the hours not
+given to education and more education, went to toiling and more toiling,
+that he might pay his meagre way through the college world. He had a
+cheaper room and ate cheaper meals than was necessary. He tutored, and
+he wrote college specials for several newspapers. His chief relaxation
+was the praise of the ladies in Newbury Street. These told him of the
+future which awaited him, and when they gazed upon his features were put
+in mind of the dying Keats. Not that Oscar was going to die in the
+least. Life burned strong in him. There were sly times when he took
+what he had saved by his cheap meals and room and went to Boston with
+it, and for a few hours thoroughly ceased being ascetic. Yet Oscar felt
+meritorious when he considered Bertie and Billy; for, like the
+socialists, merit with him meant not being able to live as well as your
+neighbor. You will think that I have given to Oscar what is familiarly
+termed a black eye. But I was once inclined to applaud his struggle for
+knowledge, until I studied him close and perceived that his love was not
+for the education he was getting. Bertie and Billy loved play for
+play's own sake, and in play forgot themselves, like the wholesome young
+creatures that they were. Oscar had one love only: through all his days
+whatever he might forget, he would remember himself; through all his
+days he would make knowledge show that self off. Thank heaven, all the
+poor students in Harvard College were not Oscars! I loved some of them
+as much as I loved Bertie and Billy. So there is no black eye about it.
+Pity Oscar, if you like; but don't be so mushy as to admire him as he
+stepped along in the night, holding his notes, full of his knowledge,
+thinking of Bertie and Billy, conscious of virtue, and smiling his
+smile. They were not conscious of any virtue, were Bertie and Billy,
+nor were they smiling. They were solemnly eating up together a box of
+handsome strawberries and sucking the juice from their reddened thumbs.
+
+"Rather mean not to make him wait and have some of these after his hard
+work on us," said Bertie. "I'd forgotten about them--"
+
+"He ran out before you could remember, anyway," said Billy.
+
+"Wasn't he absurd about his old notes? "Bertie went on, a new
+strawberry in his mouth. "We don't need them, though. With to-morrow
+we'll get this course down cold."
+
+"Yes, to-morrow," sighed Billy. "It's awful to think of another day of
+this kind."
+
+"Horrible," assented Bertie.
+
+"He knows a lot. He's extraordinary," said Billy.
+
+"Yes, he is. He can talk the actual words of the notes. Probably he
+could teach the course himself. I don't suppose he buys any
+strawberries, even when they get ripe and cheap here. What's the matter
+with you?"
+
+Billy had broken suddenly into merriment. "I don't believe Oscar owns a
+bath," he explained.
+
+"By Jove! so his notes will burn in spite of everything!" And both of
+the tennis boys shrieked foolishly.
+
+Then Billy began taking his clothes off, strewing them in the
+window-seat, or anywhere that they happened to drop; and Bertie, after
+hitting another cork or two out of the window with the tennis racket,
+departed to his own room on another floor and left Billy to immediate
+and deep slumber. This was broken for a few moments when Billy's
+room-mate returned happy from an excursion which had begun in the
+morning.
+
+The room-mate sat on Billy's feet until that gentleman showed
+consciousness.
+
+"I've done it, said the room-mate, then.
+
+"The hell you have!"
+
+"You couldn't do it."
+
+"The hell I couldn't!"
+
+"Great dinner."
+
+"The hell it was!"
+
+"Soft-shell crabs, broiled live lobster, salmon, grass-plover,
+dough-birds, rum omelette. Bet you five dollars you can't find it."
+
+"Take you. Got to bed." And Billy fell again into deep, immediate
+slumber.
+
+The room-mate went out into the sitting room, and noting the signs there
+of the hard work which had gone on during his absence, was glad that he
+did not take Philosophy 4. He was soon asleep also.
+
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+
+
+Billy got up early. As he plunged into his cold bath he envied his
+room-mate, who could remain at rest indefinitely, while his own hard lot
+was hurrying him to prayers and breakfast and Oscar's inexorable notes.
+He sighed once more as he looked at the beauty of the new morning and
+felt its air upon his cheeks. He and Bertie belonged to the same
+club-table, and they met there mournfully over the oatmeal. This very
+hour to-morrow would see them eating their last before the examination
+in Philosophy 4. And nothing pleasant was going to happen
+between,--nothing that they could dwell upon with the slightest
+satisfaction. Nor had their sleep entirely refreshed them. Their eyes
+were not quite right, and their hair, though it was brushed, showed
+fatigue of the nerves in a certain inclination to limpness and disorder.
+
+
+ "Epicharmos of Kos
+ Was covered with moss,"
+
+remarked Billy.
+
+
+ "Thales and Zeno
+ Were duffers at keno,"
+
+added Bertie.
+
+In the hours of trial they would often express their education thus.
+
+"Philosophers I have met," murmured Billy, with scorn And they ate
+silently for some time.
+
+"There's one thing that's valuable," said Bertie next. "When they
+spring those tricks on you about the flying arrow not moving, and all
+the rest, and prove it all right by logic, you learn what pure logic
+amounts to when it cuts loose from common sense. And Oscar thinks it's
+immense. We shocked him."
+
+"He's found the Bird-in-Hand!" cried Billy, quite suddenly.
+
+"Oscar?" said Bertie, with an equal shout.
+
+"No, John. John has. Came home last night and waked me up and told
+me."
+
+"Good for John," remarked Bertie, pensively.
+
+Now, to the undergraduate mind of that day the Bird-in-Hand tavern was
+what the golden fleece used to be to the Greeks,-- a sort of shining,
+remote, miraculous thing, difficult though not impossible to find, for
+which expeditions were fitted out. It was reported to be somewhere in
+the direction of Quincy, and in one respect it resembled a ghost: you
+never saw a man who had seen it himself; it was always his cousin, or
+his elder brother in '79. But for the successful explorer a dinner and
+wines were waiting at the Bird-in-Hand more delicious than anything
+outside of Paradise. You will realize, therefore, what a thing it was
+to have a room-mate who had attained. If Billy had not been so
+dog-tired last night, he would have sat up and made John tell him
+everything from beginning to end.
+
+"Soft-shell crabs, broiled live lobster, salmon, grass-plover,
+dough-birds, and rum omelette," he was now reciting to Bertie.
+
+"They say the rum there is old Jamaica brought in slave-ships," said
+Bertie, reverently.
+
+"I've heard he has white port of 1820," said Billy; "and claret and
+champagne."
+
+Bertie looked out of the window. "This is the finest day there's been,"
+said he. Then he looked at his watch. It was twenty-five minutes
+before Oscar. Then he looked Billy hard in the eye. "Have you any
+sand?" he inquired.
+
+It was a challenge to Billy's manhood. "Sand!" he yelled, sitting up.
+
+Both of them in an instant had left the table and bounded out of the
+house. "I'll meet you at Pike's," said Billy to Bertie. "Make him give
+us the black gelding."
+
+"Might as well bring our notes along," Bertie called after his rushing
+friend; "and get John to tell you the road."
+
+To see their haste, as the two fled in opposite directions upon their
+errands, you would have supposed them under some crying call of
+obligation, or else to be escaping from justice.
+
+Twenty minutes later they were seated behind the black gelding and bound
+on their journey in search of the bird-in-Hand. Their notes in
+Philosophy 4 were stowed under the buggy-seat.
+
+"Did Oscar see you?" Bertie inquired.
+
+"Not he," cried Billy, joyously.
+
+"Oscar will wonder," said Bertie; and he gave the black gelding a
+triumphant touch with the whip.
+
+You see, it was Oscar that had made them run go; or, rather, it was Duty
+and Fate walking in Oscar's displeasing likeness. Nothing easier,
+nothing more reasonable, than to see the tutor and tell him they should
+not need him to-day. But that would have spoiled everything. They did
+not know it, but deep in their childlike hearts was a delicious sense
+that in thus unaccountably disappearing they had won a great game, had
+got away ahead of Duty and Fate. After all it did bear some resemblance
+to an escape from justice. .
+
+Could he have known this, Oscar would have felt more superior than ever.
+Punctually at the hour agreed, ten o'clock he rapped at Billy's door and
+stood waiting, his leather wallet of notes nipped safe between elbow and
+ribs. Then he knocked again. Then he tried the door, and as it was
+open, he walked deferentially into the sitting room. Sonorous snores
+came from one of the bedrooms. Oscar peered in and saw John; but he saw
+no Billy in the other bed. Then, always deferential, he sat down in the
+sitting room and watched a couple of prettily striped coats hanging in a
+half-open closet.
+
+At that moment the black gelding was flirtatiously crossing the
+drawbridge over the Charles on the Allston Road. The gelding knew the
+clank of those suspending chains and the slight unsteadiness of the
+meeting halves of the bridge as well as it knew oats. But it could not
+enjoy its own entirely premeditated surprise quite so much as Bertie and
+Billy were enjoying their entirely unpremeditated flight from Oscar. The
+wind rippled on the water; down at the boat-house Smith was helping some
+one embark in a single scull; they saw the green meadows toward
+Brighton; their foreheads felt cool and unvexed, and each new minute had
+the savor of fresh forbidden fruit.
+
+"How do we go?" said Bertie.
+
+"I forgot I had a bet with John until I had waked him," said Billy. "He
+bet me five last night I couldn't find it, and I took him. Of course,
+after that I had no right to ask him anything, and he thought I was
+funny. He said I couldn't find out if the landlady's hair was her own.
+I went him another five on that."
+
+"How do you say we ought to go?" said Bertie, presently.
+
+"Quincy, I'm sure."
+
+They were now crossing the Albany tracks at Allston. "We're going to
+get there," said Bertie; and he turned the black gelding toward
+Brookline and Jamaica Plain.
+
+The enchanting day surrounded them. The suburban houses, even the
+suburban street-cars, seemed part of one great universal plan of
+enjoyment. Pleasantness so radiated from the boys' faces and from their
+general appearance of clean white flannel trousers and soft clean shirts
+of pink and blue that a driver on a passing car leaned to look after
+them with a smile and a butcher hailed them with loud brotherhood from
+his cart. They turned a corner, and from a long way off came the sight
+of the tower of Memorial Hall. Plain above all intervening tenements
+and foliage it rose. Over there beneath its shadow were examinations
+and Oscar. It caught Billy's roving eye, and he nudged Bertie, pointing
+silently to it. "Ha, ha!" sang Bertie. And beneath his light whip the
+gelding sprang forward into its stride.
+
+
+The clocks of Massachusetts struck eleven. Oscar rose doubtfully from
+his chair in Billy's study. Again he looked into Billy's bedroom and at
+the empty bed. Then he went for a moment and watched the still forcibly
+sleeping John. He turned his eyes this way and that, and after standing
+for a while moved quietly back to his chair and sat down with the
+leather wallet of notes on his lap, his knees together, and his
+unblocked shoes touching. In due time the clocks of Massachusetts
+struck noon.
+
+
+In a meadow where a brown amber stream ran, lay Bertie and Billy on the
+grass. Their summer coats were off, their belts loosened. They watched
+with eyes half closed the long water-weeds moving gently as the current
+waved and twined them. The black gelding, brought along a farm road and
+through a gate, waited at its ease in the field beside a stone wall. Now
+and then it stretched and cropped a young leaf from a vine that grew
+over the wall, and now and then the want wind brought down the fruit
+blossoms all over the meadow. They fell from the tree where Bertie and
+Billy lay, and the boys brushed them from their faces. Not very far
+away was Blue Hill, softly shining; and crows high up in the air came
+from it occasionally across here.
+
+By one o'clock a change had come in Billy's room. Oscar during that
+hour had opened his satchel of philosophy upon his lap and read his
+notes attentively. Being almost word perfect in many parts of them, he
+now spent his unexpected leisure in acquiring accurately the language of
+still further paragraphs." The sharp line of demarcation which
+Descartes drew between consciousness and the material world," whispered
+Oscar with satisfaction, and knew that if Descartes were on the
+examination paper he could start with this and go on for nearly twenty
+lines before he would have to use any words of his own. As he
+memorized, the chambermaid, who had come to do the bedrooms three times
+already and had gone away again, now returned and no longer restrained
+her indignation. "Get up Mr. Blake! " she vociferated to the sleeping
+John; "you ought to be ashamed!" And she shook the bedstead. Thus John
+had come to rise and discover Oscar. The patient tutor explained
+himself as John listened in his pyjamas.
+
+"Why, I'm sorry," said he, "but I don't believe they'll get back very
+soon."
+
+"They have gone away?" asked Oscar, sharply.
+
+"Ah--yes," returned the reticent John. "An unexpected matter of
+importance."
+
+"But, my dear sir, those gentlemen know nothing! Philosophy 4 is
+tomorrow, and they know nothing."
+
+"They'll have to stand it, then," said John, with a grin.
+
+"And my time. I am waiting here. I am engaged to teach them. I have
+been waiting here since ten. They engaged me all day and this evening.
+
+"I don't believe there's the slightest use in your waiting now, you
+know. They'll probably let you know when they come back."
+
+"Probably! But they have engaged my time. The girl knows I was here
+ready at ten. I call you to witness that you found me waiting, ready at
+any time."
+
+John in his pyjamas stared at Oscar. "Why, of course they'll pay you
+the whole thing," said he, coldly; "stay here if you prefer." And he
+went into the bathroom and closed the door.
+
+The tutor stood awhile, holding his notes and turning his little eyes
+this way and that. His young days had been dedicated to getting the
+better of his neighbor, because otherwise his neighbor would get the
+better of him. Oscar had never suspected the existence of boys like
+John and Bertie and Billy. He stood holding his notes, and then,
+buckling them up once more, he left the room with evidently reluctant
+steps. It was at this time that the clocks struck one.
+
+
+In their field among the soft new grass sat Bertie and Billy some ten
+yards apart, each with his back against an apple tree. Each had his
+notes and took his turn at questioning the other. Thus the names of the
+Greek philosophers with their dates and doctrines were shouted gayly in
+the meadow. The foreheads of the boys were damp to-day, as they had
+been last night, and their shirts were opened to the air; but it was the
+sun that made them hot now, and no lamp or gas; and already they looked
+twice as alive as they had looked at breakfast. There they sat, while
+their memories gripped the summarized list of facts essential, facts to
+be known accurately; the simple, solid, raw facts, which, should they
+happen to come on the examination paper, no skill could evade nor any
+imagination supply. But this study was no longer dry and dreadful to
+them: they had turned it to a sporting event. "What about Heracleitos?"
+Billy as catechist would put at Bertie. "Eternal flux," Bertie would
+correctly snap back at Billy. Or, if he got it mixed up, and replied,
+"Everything is water," which was the doctrine of another Greek, then
+Billy would credit himself with twenty-five cents on a piece of paper.
+Each ran a memorandum of this kind; and you can readily see how spirited
+a character metaphysics would assume under such conditions.
+
+"I'm going in," said Bertie, suddenly, as Billy was crediting himself
+with a fifty-cent gain. "What's your score?"
+
+"Two seventy-five, counting your break on Parmenides. It'II be cold."
+
+"No, it won't. Well, I'm only a quarter behind you." And Bertie puffed
+off his shoes. Soon he splashed into the stream where the bend made a
+hole of some depth.
+
+"Cold?" inquired Billy on the bank. Bertie closed his eyes dreamily.
+"Delicious," said he, and sank luxuriously beneath the surface with slow
+strokes.
+
+Billy had his clothes off in a moment, and, taking the plunge, screamed
+loudly "You liar!" he yelled, as he came up. And he made for Bertie.
+
+Delight rendered Bertie weak and helpless; he was caught and ducked; and
+after some vigorous wrestling both came out of the icy water.
+
+"Now we've got no towels, you fool," said Billy.
+
+"Use your notes," said Bertie, and he rolled in the grass. Then they
+chased each other round the apple trees, and the black gelding watched
+them by the wall, its ears well forward.
+
+While they were dressing they discovered it was half-past one, and
+became instantly famished. "We should have brought lunch along," they
+told each other. But they forgot that no such thing as lunch could have
+induced them to delay their escape from Cambridge for a moment this
+morning. "What do you suppose Oscar is doing now?" Billy inquired of
+Bertie, as they led the black gelding back to the road; and Bertie
+laughed like an infant. "Gentlemen," said he, in Oscar's manner, "we
+now approach the multiplicity of the ego." The black gelding must have
+thought it had humorists to deal with this day.
+
+
+Oscar, as a matter of fact, was eating his cheap lunch away over in
+Cambridge. There was cold mutton, and boiled potatoes with hard brown
+spots in them, and large picked cucumbers; and the salt was damp and
+would not shake out through the holes in the top of the bottle. But
+Oscar ate two helps of everything with a good appetite, and between
+whiles looked at his notes, which lay open beside him on the table. At
+the stroke of two he was again knocking at his pupils' door. But no
+answer came. John had gone away somewhere for indefinite hours and the
+door was locked. So Oscar wrote: "Called, two p.m.," on a scrap of
+envelope, signed his name, and put it through the letter-slit. It
+crossed his mind to hunt other pupils for his vacant time, but he
+decided against this at once, and returned to his own room. Three
+o'clock found him back at the door, knocking scrupulously, The idea of
+performing his side of the contract, of tendering his goods and standing
+ready at all times to deliver them, was in his commercially mature mind.
+This time he had brought a neat piece of paper with him, and wrote upon
+it, "Called, three P.M.," and signed it as before, and departed to his
+room with a sense of fulfilled obligations.
+
+
+Bertie and Billy had lunched at Mattapan quite happily on cold ham, cold
+pie, and doughnuts. Mattapan, not being accustomed to such lilies of
+the field, stared at their clothes and general glory, but observed that
+they could eat the native bill-of-fare as well as anybody. They found
+some good, cool beer, moreover, and spoke to several people of the
+Bird-in-Hand, and got several answers: for instance, that the
+Bird-in-Hand was at Hingham; that it was at Nantasket; that they had
+better inquire for it at South Braintree; that they had passed it a mile
+back; and that there was no such place. If you would gauge the
+intelligence of our population, inquire your way in a rural
+neighborhood. With these directions they took up their journey after an
+hour and a half,--a halt made chiefly for the benefit of the black
+gelding, whom they looked after as much as they did themselves. For a
+while they discussed club matters seriously, as both of them were
+officers of certain organizations, chosen so on account of their
+recognized executive gifts. These questions settled, they resumed the
+lighter theme of philosophy, and made it (as Billy observed) a near
+thing for the Causal law. But as they drove along, their minds left
+this topic on the abrupt discovery that the sun was getting down out of
+the sky, and they asked each other where they were and what they should
+do. They pulled up at some cross-roads and debated this with growing
+uneasiness. Behind them lay the way to Cambridge, - not very clear, to
+be sure; but you could always go where you had come from, Billy seemed
+to think. He asked, "How about Cambridge and a little Oscar to finish
+off with?" Bertie frowned. This would be failure. Was Billy willing
+to go back and face John the successful?
+
+"It would only cost me five dollars," said Billy.
+
+"Ten," Bertie corrected. He recalled to Billy the matter about the
+landlady's hair.
+
+"By Jove, that's so!" cried Billy, brightening. It seemed conclusive.
+But he grew cloudy again the next moment. He was of opinion that one
+could go too far in a thing.
+
+"Where's your sand?" said Bertie.
+
+Billy made an unseemly rejoinder, but even in the making was visited by
+inspiration. He saw the whole thing as it really was. "By Jove!" said
+he, "we couldn't get back in time for dinner."
+
+"There's my bonny boy!" said Bertie, with pride; and he touched up the
+black gelding. Uneasiness had left both of them. Cambridge was
+manifestly impossible; an error in judgment; food compelled them to seek
+the Bird-in-Hand. "We'll try Quincy, anyhow," Bertie said. Billy
+suggested that they inquire of people on the road. This provided a new
+sporting event: they could bet upon the answers. Now, the roads, not
+populous at noon, had grown solitary in the sweetness of the long
+twilight. Voices of birds there were; and little, black, quick brooks,
+full to the margin grass, shot under the roadway through low bridges.
+Through the web of young foliage the sky shone saffron, and frogs piped
+in the meadow swamps. No cart or carriage appeared, however, and the
+bets languished. Bertie, driving with one hand, was buttoning his coat
+with the other, when the black gelding leaped from the middle of the
+road to the turf and took to backing. The buggy reeled; but the driver
+was skilful, and fifteen seconds of whip and presence of mind brought it
+out smoothly. Then the cause of all this spoke to them from a gate.
+
+"Come as near spillin' as you boys wanted, I guess," remarked the cause.
+
+They looked, and saw him in huge white shirt-sleeves, shaking with
+joviality. "If you kep' at it long enough you might a-most learn to
+drive a horse," he continued, eying Bertie. This came as near direct
+praise as the true son of our soil--Northern or Southern--often thinks
+well of. Bertie was pleased, but made a modest observation, and "Are we
+near the tavern?" he asked. "Bird-in-Hand!" the son of the soil echoed;
+and he contemplated them from his gate. That's me," he stated, with
+complacence. "Bill Diggs of the Bird-in-Hand has been me since April,
+'65." His massy hair had been yellow, his broad body must have weighed
+two hundred and fifty pounds, his face was canny, red, and somewhat
+clerical, resembling Henry Ward Beecher's.
+
+"Trout," he said, pointing to a basket by the gate. "For your dinner.
+"Then he climbed heavily but skilfully down and picked up the basket and
+a rod. "Folks round here say," said he, "that there ain't no more trout
+up them meadows. They've been a-sayin' that since '74; and I've been
+a-sayin' it myself, when judicious." Here he shook slightly and opened
+the basket. "Twelve," he said. "Sixteen yesterday. Now you go along
+and turn in the first right-hand turn, and I'll be up with you soon.
+Maybe you might make room for the trout." Room for him as well, they
+assured him; they were in luck to find him, they explained. "Well, I
+guess I'll trust my neck with you," he said to Bertie, the skillful
+driver; "'tain't five minutes' risk." The buggy leaned, and its springs
+bent as he climbed in, wedging his mature bulk between their slim
+shapes. The gelding looked round the shaft at them. "Protestin', are
+you?" he said to it. "These light-weight stoodents spile you!" So the
+gelding went on, expressing, however, by every line of its body, a sense
+of outraged justice. The boys related their difficult search, and
+learned that any mention of the name of Diggs would have brought them
+straight. "Bill Higgs of the Bird-in-Hand was my father, and my
+grandf'ther, and his father; and has been me sence I come back from the
+war and took the business in '65. I'm not commonly to be met out this
+late. About fifteen minutes earlier is my time for gettin' back, unless
+I'm plannin' for a jamboree. But to-night I got to settin' and watchin'
+that sunset, and listenin' to a darned red-winged blackbird, and I guess
+Mrs. Higgs has decided to expect me somewheres about noon to-morrow or
+Friday. Say, did Johnnie send you? "When he found that John had in a
+measure been responsible for their journey, he filled with gayety. "Oh,
+Johnnie's a bird!" said he. "He's that demure on first appearance.
+Walked in last evening and wanted dinner. Did he tell you what he ate?
+Guess he left out what he drank. Yes, he's demure."
+
+You might suppose that upon their landlord's safe and sober return
+fifteen minutes late, instead of on the expected noon of Thursday or
+Friday, their landlady would show signs of pleasure; but Mrs. Diggs from
+the porch threw an uncordial eye at the three arriving in the buggy.
+Here were two more like Johnnie of last night. She knew them by the
+clothes they wore and by the confidential tones of her husband's voice
+as he chatted to them. He had been old enough to know better for twenty
+years. But for twenty years he had taken the same extreme joy in the
+company of Johnnies, and they were bad for his health. Her final proof
+that they belonged to this hated breed was when Mr. Diggs thumped the
+trout down on the porch, and after briefly remarking, "Half of 'em
+boiled, and half broiled with bacon," himself led away the gelding to
+the stable instead of intrusting it to his man Silas.
+
+"You may set in the parlor," said Mrs. Diggs, and departed stiffly with
+the basket of trout.
+
+"It's false," said Billy, at once.
+
+Bertie did not grasp his thought.
+
+"Her hair," said Billy. And certainly it was an unusual-looking
+arrangement.
+
+Presently, as they sat near a parlor organ in the presence of earnest
+family portraits, Bertie made a new poem for Billy,--
+
+ "Said Aristotle unto Plato,
+ 'Have another sweet potato? '"
+
+And Billy responded, -
+
+ "Said Plato unto Aristotle,
+ 'Thank you, I prefer the bottle.'"
+
+"In here, are you?" said their beaming host at the door. "Now, I think
+you'd find my department of the premises cosier, so to speak." He
+nudged Bertie. "Do you boys guess it's too early in the season for a
+silver-fizz?"
+
+
+We must not wholly forget Oscar in Cambridge. During the afternoon he
+had not failed in his punctuality; two more neat witnesses to this lay
+on the door-mat beneath the letter-slit of Billy's room, And at the
+appointed hour after dinner a third joined them, making five. John
+found these cards when he came home to go to bed, and picked them up and
+stuck them ornamentally in Billy's looking-glass, as a greeting when
+Billy should return, The eight o'clock visit was the last that Oscar
+paid to the locked door, He remained through the evening in his own
+room, studious, contented, unventilated, indulging in his thick notes,
+and also in the thought of Billy's and Bertie's eleventh-hour
+scholarship, "Even with another day," he told himself, "those young men
+could not have got fifty per cent," In those times this was the passing
+mark. To-day I believe you get an A, or a B, or some other letter
+denoting your rank. In due time Oscar turned out his gas and got into
+his bed ; and the clocks of Massachusetts struck midnight.
+
+Mrs. Diggs of the Bird-in-Hand had retired at eleven, furious with rage,
+but firm in dignity in spite of a sudden misadventure. Her hair, being
+the subject of a sporting event, had remained steadily fixed in Billy's
+mind,--steadily fixed throughout an entertainment which began at an
+early hour to assume the features of a celebration. One silver-fizz
+before dinner is nothing; but dinner did not come at once, and the boys
+were thirsty. The hair of Mrs. Diggs had caught Billy's eye again
+immediately upon her entrance to inform them that the meal was ready;
+and whenever she reentered with a new course from the kitchen, Billy's
+eye wandered back to it, although Mr. Diggs had become full of anecdotes
+about the Civil War. It was partly Grecian: a knot stood out behind to
+a considerable distance. But this was not the whole plan. From front to
+back ran a parting, clear and severe, and curls fell from this to the
+temples in a manner called, I believe, by the enlightened, a l'Anne
+d'Autriche. The color was gray, to be sure; but this propriety did not
+save the structure from Billy's increasing observation. As bottles came
+to stand on the table in greater numbers, the closer and the more
+solemnly did Billy continue to follow the movements of Mrs. Diggs. They
+would without doubt have noticed him and his foreboding gravity but for
+Mr. Diggs's experiences in the Civil War.
+
+The repast was finished--so far as eating went. Mrs. Diggs with
+changeless dudgeon was removing and washing the dishes. At the
+revellers' elbows stood the 1820 port in its fine, fat, old, dingy
+bottle, going pretty fast. Mr. Diggs was nearing the end of Antietam."
+That morning of the 18th, while McClellan was holdin' us squattin' and
+cussin'," he was saying to Bertie, when some sort of shuffling sound in
+the corner caught their attention. We can never know how it happened.
+Billy ought to know, but does not, and Mrs. Diggs allowed no subsequent
+reference to the casualty. But there she stood with her entire hair at
+right angles. The Grecian knot extended above her left ear, and her
+nose stuck through one set of Anne d'Autriche. Beside her Billy stood,
+solemn as a stone, yet with a sort of relief glazed upon his face.
+
+Mr. Diggs sat straight up at the vision of his spouse. "Flouncing
+Florence!" was his exclamation. "Gee-whittaker, Mary, if you ain't the
+most unmitigated sight!" And wind then left him.
+
+Mary's reply arrived in tones like a hornet stinging slowly and often.
+"Mr. Diggs, I have put up with many things, and am expecting to put up
+with many more. But you'd behave better if you consorted with
+gentlemen."
+
+The door slammed and she was gone. Not a word to either of the boys,
+not even any notice of them. It was thorough, and silence consequently
+held them for a moment.
+
+"He didn't mean anything," said Bertie, growing partially responsible.
+
+"Didn't mean anything," repeated Billy, like a lesson.
+
+"I'll take him and he'll apologize," Bertie pursued, walking over to
+Billy.
+
+"He'll apologize," went Billy, like a cheerful piece of mechanism.
+Responsibility was still quite distant from him.
+
+Mr. Diggs got his wind back. "Better not," he advised in something near
+a whisper. "Better not go after her. Her father was a fightin'
+preacher, and she's--well, begosh! she's a chip of the old pulpit." And
+he rolled his eye towards the door. Another door slammed somewhere
+above, and they gazed at each other, did Bertie and Mr. Diggs. Then Mr.
+Diggs, still gazing at Bertie, beckoned to him with a speaking eye and a
+crooked finger; and as he beckoned, Bertie approached like a conspirator
+and sat down close to him. "Begosh!" whispered Mr. Diggs.
+"Unmitigated." And at this he and Bertie laid their heads down on the
+table and rolled about in spasms.
+
+Billy from his corner seemed to become aware of them. With his eye
+fixed upon them like a statue, he came across the room, and, sitting
+down near them with formal politeness, observed, "Was you ever to the
+battle of Antietam?" This sent them beyond the limit; and they rocked
+their heads on the table and wept as if they would expire.
+
+Thus the three remained, during what space of time is not known: the two
+upon the table, convalescent with relapses, and Billy like a seated
+idol, unrelaxed at his vigil. The party was seen through the windows by
+Silas, coming from the stable to inquire if the gelding should not be
+harnessed. Silas leaned his face to the pane, and envy spoke plainly in
+it. "O my! O my!" he mentioned aloud to himself. So we have the whole
+household: Mrs. Diggs reposing scornfully in an upper chamber; all parts
+of the tavern darkened, save the one lighted room; the three inside that
+among their bottles, with the one outside looking covetously in at them;
+and the gelding stamping in the stable.
+
+But Silas, since he could not share, was presently of opinion that this
+was enough for one sitting, and he tramped heavily upon the porch. This
+brought Bertie back to the world of reality, and word was given to fetch
+the gelding. The host was in no mood to part with them, and spoke of
+comfortable beds and breakfast as early as they liked; but Bertie had
+become entirely responsible. Billy was helped in, Silas was liberally
+thanked, and they drove away beneath the stars, leaving behind them
+golden opinions, and a host who decided not to disturb his helpmate by
+retiring to rest in their conjugal bed.
+
+Bertie had forgotten, but the playful gelding had not. When they came
+abreast of that gate where Diggs of the Bird-in-Hand had met them at
+sunset, Bertie was only aware that a number of things had happened at
+once, and that he had stopped the horse after about twenty yards of
+battle. Pride filled him, but emptied away in the same instant, for a
+voice on the road behind him spoke inquiringly through the darkness.
+
+"Did any one fall out?" said the voice. "Who fell out?"
+
+"Billy!" shrieked Bertie, cold all over. "Billy, are you hurt "
+
+"Did Billy fall out?" said the voice, with plaintive cadence. "Poor
+Billy!"
+
+"He can't be," muttered Bertie. "Are you?" he loudly repeated.
+
+There was no answer: but steps came along the road as Bertie checked and
+pacified the gelding. Then Billy appeared by the wheel. "Poor Billy
+fell out," he said mildly. He held something up, which Bertie took. It
+had been Billy's straw hat, now a brimless fabric of ruin. Except for
+smirches and one inexpressible rent which dawn revealed to Bertie a
+little later, there were no further injuries, and Billy got in and took
+his seat quite competently.
+
+Bertie drove the gelding with a firm hand after this. They passed
+through the cool of the unseen meadow swamps, and heard the sound of the
+hollow bridges as they crossed them, and now and then the gulp of some
+pouring brook. They went by the few lights of Mattapan, seeing from
+some points on their way the beacons of the harbor, and again the
+curving line of lamps that drew the outline of some village built upon a
+hill. Dawn showed them Jamaica Pond, smooth and breezeless, and
+encircled with green skeins of foliage, delicate and new. Here
+multitudinous birds were chirping their tiny, overwhelming chorus. When
+at length, across the flat suburban spaces, they again sighted Memorial
+tower, small in the distance, the sun was lighting it.
+
+Confronted by this, thoughts of hitherto banished care, and of the
+morrow that was now to-day, and of Philosophy 4 coming in a very few
+hours, might naturally have arisen and darkened the end of their
+pleasant excursion. Not so, however. Memorial tower suggested another
+line of argument. It was Billy who spoke, as his eyes first rested upon
+that eminent pinnacle of Academe.
+
+"Well, John owes me five dollars."
+
+"Ten, you mean."
+
+"Ten? How?"
+
+"Why, her hair. And it was easily worth twenty."
+
+Billy turned his head and looked suspiciously at Bertie. "What did I
+do?" he asked.
+
+"Do! Don't you know?"
+
+Billy in all truth did not,
+
+"Phew!" went Bertie. "Well, I don't, either. Didn't see it. Saw the
+consequences, though. Don't you remember being ready to apologize? What
+do you remember, anyhow?"
+
+Billy consulted his recollections with care: they seemed to break off at
+the champagne. That was early. Bertie was astonished. Did not Billy
+remember singing "Brace up and dress the Countess," and "A noble lord
+the Earl of Leicester"? He had sung them quite in his usual manner,
+conversing freely between whiles. In fact, to see and hear him, no one
+would have suspected-- "It must have been that extra silver-fizz you
+took before dinner," said Bertie. "Yes," said Billy;" that's what it
+must have been." Bertie supplied the gap in his memory,--a matter of
+several hours, it seemed. During most of this time Billy had met the
+demands of each moment quite like his usual agreeable self--a
+sleep-walking state. It was only when the hair incident was reached
+that his conduct had noticeably crossed the line. He listened to all
+this with interest intense.
+
+"John does owe me ten, I think," said he.
+
+"I say so," declared Bertie. "When do you begin to remember again?"
+
+"After I got in again at the gate. Why did I get out?"
+
+"You fell out, man."
+
+Billy was incredulous.
+
+"You did. You tore your clothes wide open."
+
+Billy, looking at his trousers, did not see it.
+
+"Rise, and I'll show you," said Bertie.
+
+"Goodness gracious!" said Billy.
+
+Thus discoursing, they reached Harvard Square. Not your Harvard Square,
+gentle reader, that place populous with careless youths and careful
+maidens and reticent persons with books, but one of sleeping windows and
+clear, cool air and few sounds; a Harvard Square of emptiness and
+conspicuous sparrows and milk wagons and early street-car conductors in
+long coats going to their breakfast; and over all this the sweetness of
+the arching elms.
+
+As the gelding turned down toward Pike's, the thin old church clock
+struck. "Always sounds," said Billy, "like cambric tea."
+
+"Cambridge tea," said Bertie.
+
+"Walk close behind me," said Billy, as they came away from the livery
+stable. "Then they won't see the hole."
+
+Bertie did so; but the hole was seen by the street-car conductors and
+the milkmen, and these sympathetic hearts smiled at the sight of the
+marching boys, and loved them without knowing any more of them than
+this. They reached their building and separated.
+
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+
+
+One hour later they met. Shaving and a cold bath and summer flannels,
+not only clean but beautiful, invested them with the radiant innocence
+of flowers. It was still too early for their regular breakfast, and
+they sat down to eggs and coffee at the Holly Tree.
+
+"I waked John up," said Billy." He is satisfied."
+
+"Let's have another order," said Bertie. "These eggs are delicious."
+Each of them accordingly ate four eggs and drank two cups of coffee.
+
+"Oscar called five times," said Billy; and he threw down those cards
+which Oscar had so neatly written.
+
+"There's multiplicity of the ego for you!" said Bertie.
+
+Now, inspiration is a strange thing, and less obedient even than love to
+the will of man. It will decline to come when you prepare for it with
+the loftiest intentions, and, lo! at an accidental word it will suddenly
+fill you, as at this moment it filled Billy.
+
+"By gum!" said he, laying his fork down. "Multiplicity of the ego. Look
+here. I fall out of a buggy and ask--"
+
+"By gum!" said Bertie, now also visited by inspiration.
+
+"Don't you see?" said Billy.
+
+"I see a whole lot more," said Bertie, with excitement. "I had to tell
+you about your singing." And the two burst into a flare of talk. To
+hear such words as cognition, attention, retention, entity, and
+identity, freely mingled with such other words as silver-fizz and false
+hair, brought John, the egg-and-coffee man, as near surprise as his
+impregnable nature permitted. Thus they finished their large breakfast,
+and hastened to their notes for a last good bout at memorizing
+Epicharmos of Kos and his various brethren. The appointed hour found
+them crossing the college yard toward a door inside which Philosophy 4
+awaited them: three hours of written examination! But they looked more
+roseate and healthy than most of the anxious band whose steps were
+converging to that same gate of judgment. Oscar, meeting them on the
+way, gave them his deferential "Good morning," and trusted that the
+gentlemen felt easy. Quite so, they told him, and bade him feel easy
+about his pay, for which they were, of course, responsible. Oscar
+wished them good luck and watched them go to their desks with his Iittle
+eyes, smiling in his particular manner. Then he dismissed them from his
+mind, and sat with a faint remnant of his smile, fluently writing his
+perfectly accurate answer to the first question upon the examination
+paper.
+
+Here is that paper. You will not be able to answer all the questions,
+probably, but you may be glad to know what such things are like.
+
+
+ PHILOSOPHY 4
+
+
+1. Thales, Zeno, Parmenides, Heracleitos, Anaxagoras. State briefly
+the doctrine of each.
+
+2. Phenomenon, noumenon. Discuss these terms. Name their modern
+descendants.
+
+3. Thought=Being. Assuming this, state the difference, if any, between
+(1) memory and anticipation; (2) sleep and waking.
+
+4. Democritus, Pythagoras, Bacon. State the relation between them. In
+what terms must the objective world ultimately be stated? Why?
+
+5. Experience is the result of time and space being included in the
+nature of mind. Discuss this.
+
+6. Nihil est in intellectu quod non prius fuerit in sensibus. Whose
+doctrine? Discuss it.
+
+7. What is the inherent limitation in all ancient philosophy? Who
+first removed it?
+
+8. Mind is expressed through what? Matter through what? Is speech the
+result or the cause of thought?
+
+9. Discuss the nature of the ego.
+
+10. According to Plato, Locke,ĘBerkeley, where would the sweetness of a
+honeycomb reside? Where would its shape? its weight? Where do you
+think these properties reside?
+
+
+Ten questions, and no Epicharmos of Kos. But no examination paper asks
+everything, and this one did ask a good deal. Bertie and Billy wrote
+the full time allotted, and found that they could have filled an hour
+more without coming to the end of their thoughts. Comparing notes at
+lunch, their information was discovered to have been lacking here and
+there. Nevertheless, it was no failure; their inner convictions were
+sure of fifty per cent at least, and this was all they asked of the
+gods. "I was ripping about the ego," said Bertie. "I was rather
+splendid myself," said Billy, "when I got going. And I gave him a huge
+steer about memory." After lunch both retired to their beds and fell
+into sweet oblivion until seven o'clock, when they rose and dined, and
+after playing a little poker went to bed again pretty early.
+
+Some six mornings later, when the Professor returned their papers to
+them, their minds were washed almost as clear of Plato and Thales as
+were their bodies of yesterday's dust. The dates and doctrines, hastily
+memorized to rattle off upon the great occasion, lay only upon the
+surface of their minds, and after use they quickly evaporated. To their
+pleasure and most genuine astonishment, the Professor paid them high
+compliments. Bertie's discussion of the double personality had been the
+most intelligent which had come in from any of the class. The
+illustration of the intoxicated hack-driver who had fallen from his hack
+and inquired who it was that had fallen, and then had pitied himself,
+was, said the Professor, as original and perfect an illustration of our
+subjective-objectivity as he had met with in all his researches. And
+Billy's suggestions concerning the inherency of time and space in the
+mind the Professor had also found very striking and independent,
+particularly his reasoning based upon the well-known distortions of time
+and space which hashish and other drugs produce in us. This was the
+sort of thing which the Professor had wanted from his students: free
+comment and discussions, the spirit of the course, rather than any
+strict adherence to the letter. He had constructed his questions to
+elicit as much individual discussion as possible and had been somewhat
+disappointed in his hopes.
+
+Yes, Bertie and Billy were astonished. But their astonishment did not
+equal that of Oscar, who had answered many of the questions in the
+Professor's own language. Oscar received seventy-five per cent for this
+achievement--a good mark. But Billy's mark was eighty-six and Bertie's
+ninety. "There is some mistake," said Oscar to them when they told him
+; and he hastened to the Professor with his tale. "There is no
+mistake," said the Professor. Oscar smiled with increased deference.
+"But," he urged, "I assure you, sir, those young men knew absolutely
+nothing. I was their tutor, and they knew nothing at all. I taught
+them all their information myself." "In that case," replied the
+Professor, not pleased with Oscar's tale-bearing, "you must have given
+them more than you could spare. Good morning."
+
+Oscar never understood. But he graduated considerably higher than
+Bertie and Billy, who were not able to discover many other courses so
+favorable to "orriginal rresearch" as was Philosophy 4. That is twenty
+years ago, To-day Bertie is treasurer of the New Amsterdam Trust
+Company, in Wall Street; Billy is superintendent of passenger traffic of
+the New York and Chicago Air Line. Oscar is successful too. He has
+acquired a lot of information. His smile is unchanged. He has
+published a careful work entitled "The Minor Poets of Cinquecento," and
+he writes book reviews for the Evening Post.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Philosophy 4, by Owen Wister
+
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