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+Project Gutenberg's Roughing It, Part 2., by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Roughing It, Part 2.
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: July 2, 2004 [EBook #8583]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUGHING IT, PART 2. ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+                              ROUGHING IT
+
+                             by Mark Twain
+
+                                 1880
+
+                                Part 2.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+And sure enough, two or three years afterward, we did hear him again.
+News came to the Pacific coast that the Vigilance Committee in Montana
+(whither Slade had removed from Rocky Ridge) had hanged him.  I find an
+account of the affair in the thrilling little book I quoted a paragraph
+from in the last chapter--"The Vigilantes of Montana; being a Reliable
+Account of the Capture, Trial and Execution of Henry Plummer's Notorious
+Road Agent Band: By Prof. Thos. J. Dimsdale, Virginia City, M.T."
+Mr. Dimsdale's chapter is well worth reading, as a specimen of how the
+people of the frontier deal with criminals when the courts of law prove
+inefficient.  Mr. Dimsdale makes two remarks about Slade, both of which
+are accurately descriptive, and one of which is exceedingly picturesque:
+"Those who saw him in his natural state only, would pronounce him to be a
+kind husband, a most hospitable host and a courteous gentleman; on the
+contrary, those who met him when maddened with liquor and surrounded by a
+gang of armed roughs, would pronounce him a fiend incarnate."  And this:
+"From Fort Kearney, west, he was feared a great deal more than the
+almighty."  For compactness, simplicity and vigor of expression, I will
+"back" that sentence against anything in literature.  Mr. Dimsdale's
+narrative is as follows.  In all places where italics occur, they are
+mine:
+
+      After the execution of the five men on the 14th of January, the
+      Vigilantes considered that their work was nearly ended.  They had
+      freed the country of highwaymen and murderers to a great extent, and
+      they determined that in the absence of the regular civil authority
+      they would establish a People's Court where all offenders should be
+      tried by judge and jury.  This was the nearest approach to social
+      order that the circumstances permitted, and, though strict legal
+      authority was wanting, yet the people were firmly determined to
+      maintain its efficiency, and to enforce its decrees.  It may here be
+      mentioned that the overt act which was the last round on the fatal
+      ladder leading to the scaffold on which Slade perished, was the
+      tearing in pieces and stamping upon a writ of this court, followed
+      by his arrest of the Judge Alex. Davis, by authority of a presented
+      Derringer, and with his own hands.
+
+      J. A. Slade was himself, we have been informed, a Vigilante; he
+      openly boasted of it, and said he knew all that they knew.  He was
+      never accused, or even suspected, of either murder or robbery,
+      committed in this Territory (the latter crime was never laid to his
+      charge, in any place); but that he had killed several men in other
+      localities was notorious, and his bad reputation in this respect was
+      a most powerful argument in determining his fate, when he was
+      finally arrested for the offence above mentioned.  On returning from
+      Milk River he became more and more addicted to drinking, until at
+      last it was a common feat for him and his friends to "take the
+      town."  He and a couple of his dependents might often be seen on one
+      horse, galloping through the streets, shouting and yelling, firing
+      revolvers, etc.  On many occasions he would ride his horse into
+      stores, break up bars, toss the scales out of doors and use most
+      insulting language to parties present.  Just previous to the day of
+      his arrest, he had given a fearful beating to one of his followers;
+      but such was his influence over them that the man wept bitterly at
+      the gallows, and begged for his life with all his power.  It had
+      become quite common, when Slade was on a spree, for the shop-keepers
+      and citizens to close the stores and put out all the lights; being
+      fearful of some outrage at his hands.  For his wanton destruction of
+      goods and furniture, he was always ready to pay, when sober, if he
+      had money; but there were not a few who regarded payment as small
+      satisfaction for the outrage, and these men were his personal
+      enemies.
+
+      From time to time Slade received warnings from men that he well knew
+      would not deceive him, of the certain end of his conduct.  There was
+      not a moment, for weeks previous to his arrest, in which the public
+      did not expect to hear of some bloody outrage.  The dread of his
+      very name, and the presence of the armed band of hangers-on who
+      followed him alone prevented a resistance which must certainly have
+      ended in the instant murder or mutilation of the opposing party.
+
+      Slade was frequently arrested by order of the court whose
+      organization we have described, and had treated it with respect by
+      paying one or two fines and promising to pay the rest when he had
+      money; but in the transaction that occurred at this crisis, he
+      forgot even this caution, and goaded by passion and the hatred of
+      restraint, he sprang into the embrace of death.
+
+      Slade had been drunk and "cutting up" all night.  He and his
+      companions had made the town a perfect hell.  In the morning, J. M.
+      Fox, the sheriff, met him, arrested him, took him into court and
+      commenced reading a warrant that he had for his arrest, by way of
+      arraignment.  He became uncontrollably furious, and seizing the
+      writ, he tore it up, threw it on the ground and stamped upon it.
+
+      The clicking of the locks of his companions' revolvers was instantly
+      heard, and a crisis was expected.  The sheriff did not attempt his
+      retention; but being at least as prudent as he was valiant, he
+      succumbed, leaving Slade the master of the situation and the
+      conqueror and ruler of the courts, law and law-makers.  This was a
+      declaration of war, and was so accepted.  The Vigilance Committee
+      now felt that the question of social order and the preponderance of
+      the law-abiding citizens had then and there to be decided.  They
+      knew the character of Slade, and they were well aware that they must
+      submit to his rule without murmur, or else that he must be dealt
+      with in such fashion as would prevent his being able to wreak his
+      vengeance on the committee, who could never have hoped to live in
+      the Territory secure from outrage or death, and who could never
+      leave it without encountering his friend, whom his victory would
+      have emboldened and stimulated to a pitch that would have rendered
+      them reckless of consequences.  The day previous he had ridden into
+      Dorris's store, and on being requested to leave, he drew his
+      revolver and threatened to kill the gentleman who spoke to him.
+      Another saloon he had led his horse into, and buying a bottle of
+      wine, he tried to make the animal drink it.  This was not considered
+      an uncommon performance, as he had often entered saloons and
+      commenced firing at the lamps, causing a wild stampede.
+
+      A leading member of the committee met Slade, and informed him in the
+      quiet, earnest manner of one who feels the importance of what he is
+      saying: "Slade, get your horse at once, and go home, or there will
+      be ---- to pay."  Slade started and took a long look, with his dark
+      and piercing eyes, at the gentleman.  "What do you mean?"  said he.
+      "You have no right to ask me what I mean," was the quiet reply, "get
+      your horse at once, and remember what I tell you."  After a short
+      pause he promised to do so, and actually got into the saddle; but,
+      being still intoxicated, he began calling aloud to one after another
+      of his friends, and at last seemed to have forgotten the warning he
+      had received and became again uproarious, shouting the name of a
+      well-known courtezan in company with those of two men whom he
+      considered heads of the committee, as a sort of challenge; perhaps,
+      however, as a simple act of bravado.  It seems probable that the
+      intimation of personal danger he had received had not been forgotten
+      entirely; though fatally for him, he took a foolish way of showing
+      his remembrance of it.  He sought out Alexander Davis, the Judge of
+      the Court, and drawing a cocked Derringer, he presented it at his
+      head, and told him that he should hold him as a hostage for his own
+      safety.  As the judge stood perfectly quiet, and offered no
+      resistance to his captor, no further outrage followed on this score.
+      Previous to this, on account of the critical state of affairs, the
+      committee had met, and at last resolved to arrest him.  His
+      execution had not been agreed upon, and, at that time, would have
+      been negatived, most assuredly.  A messenger rode down to Nevada to
+      inform the leading men of what was on hand, as it was desirable to
+      show that there was a feeling of unanimity on the subject, all along
+      the gulch.
+
+      The miners turned out almost en masse, leaving their work and
+      forming in solid column about six hundred strong, armed to the
+      teeth, they marched up to Virginia.  The leader of the body well
+      knew the temper of his men on the subject.  He spurred on ahead of
+      them, and hastily calling a meeting of the executive, he told them
+      plainly that the miners meant "business," and that, if they came up,
+      they would not stand in the street to be shot down by Slade's
+      friends; but that they would take him and hang him.  The meeting was
+      small, as the Virginia men were loath to act at all.  This momentous
+      announcement of the feeling of the Lower Town was made to a cluster
+      of men, who were deliberation behind a wagon, at the rear of a store
+      on Main street.
+
+      The committee were most unwilling to proceed to extremities.  All
+      the duty they had ever performed seemed as nothing to the task
+      before them; but they had to decide, and that quickly.  It was
+      finally agreed that if the whole body of the miners were of the
+      opinion that he should be hanged, that the committee left it in
+      their hands to deal with him.  Off, at hot speed, rode the leader of
+      the Nevada men to join his command.
+
+      Slade had found out what was intended, and the news sobered him
+      instantly.  He went into P. S. Pfouts' store, where Davis was, and
+      apologized for his conduct, saying that he would take it all back.
+
+      The head of the column now wheeled into Wallace street and marched
+      up at quick time.  Halting in front of the store, the executive
+      officer of the committee stepped forward and arrested Slade, who was
+      at once informed of his doom, and inquiry was made as to whether he
+      had any business to settle.  Several parties spoke to him on the
+      subject; but to all such inquiries he turned a deaf ear, being
+      entirely absorbed in the terrifying reflections on his own awful
+      position.  He never ceased his entreaties for life, and to see his
+      dear wife.  The unfortunate lady referred to, between whom and Slade
+      there existed a warm affection, was at this time living at their
+      ranch on the Madison.  She was possessed of considerable personal
+      attractions; tall, well-formed, of graceful carriage, pleasing
+      manners, and was, withal, an accomplished horsewoman.
+
+      A messenger from Slade rode at full speed to inform her of her
+      husband's arrest.  In an instant she was in the saddle, and with all
+      the energy that love and despair could lend to an ardent temperament
+      and a strong physique, she urged her fleet charger over the twelve
+      miles of rough and rocky ground that intervened between her and the
+      object of her passionate devotion.
+
+      Meanwhile a party of volunteers had made the necessary preparations
+      for the execution, in the valley traversed by the branch.  Beneath
+      the site of Pfouts and Russell's stone building there was a corral,
+      the gate-posts of which were strong and high.  Across the top was
+      laid a beam, to which the rope was fastened, and a dry-goods box
+      served for the platform.  To this place Slade was marched,
+      surrounded by a guard, composing the best armed and most numerous
+      force that has ever appeared in Montana Territory.
+
+      The doomed man had so exhausted himself by tears, prayers and
+      lamentations, that he had scarcely strength left to stand under the
+      fatal beam.  He repeatedly exclaimed, "My God! my God! must I die?
+      Oh, my dear wife!"
+
+      On the return of the fatigue party, they encountered some friends of
+      Slade, staunch and reliable citizens and members of the committee,
+      but who were personally attached to the condemned.  On hearing of
+      his sentence, one of them, a stout-hearted man, pulled out his
+      handkerchief and walked away, weeping like a child.  Slade still
+      begged to see his wife, most piteously, and it seemed hard to deny
+      his request; but the bloody consequences that were sure to follow
+      the inevitable attempt at a rescue, that her presence and entreaties
+      would have certainly incited, forbade the granting of his request.
+      Several gentlemen were sent for to see him, in his last moments, one
+      of whom (Judge Davis) made a short address to the people; but in
+      such low tones as to be inaudible, save to a few in his immediate
+      vicinity.  One of his friends, after exhausting his powers of
+      entreaty, threw off his coat and declared that the prisoner could
+      not be hanged until he himself was killed.  A hundred guns were
+      instantly leveled at him; whereupon he turned and fled; but, being
+      brought back, he was compelled to resume his coat, and to give a
+      promise of future peaceable demeanor.
+
+      Scarcely a leading man in Virginia could be found, though numbers of
+      the citizens joined the ranks of the guard when the arrest was made.
+      All lamented the stern necessity which dictated the execution.
+
+      Everything being ready, the command was given, "Men, do your duty,"
+      and the box being instantly slipped from beneath his feet, he died
+      almost instantaneously.
+
+      The body was cut down and carried to the Virginia Hotel, where, in a
+      darkened room, it was scarcely laid out, when the unfortunate and
+      bereaved companion of the deceased arrived, at headlong speed, to
+      find that all was over, and that she was a widow.  Her grief and
+      heart-piercing cries were terrible evidences of the depth of her
+      attachment for her lost husband, and a considerable period elapsed
+      before she could regain the command of her excited feelings.
+
+There is something about the desperado-nature that is wholly
+unaccountable--at least it looks unaccountable.  It is this.  The true
+desperado is gifted with splendid courage, and yet he will take the most
+infamous advantage of his enemy; armed and free, he will stand up before
+a host and fight until he is shot all to pieces, and yet when he is under
+the gallows and helpless he will cry and plead like a child.  Words are
+cheap, and it is easy to call Slade a coward (all executed men who do not
+"die game" are promptly called cowards by unreflecting people), and when
+we read of Slade that he "had so exhausted himself by tears, prayers and
+lamentations, that he had scarcely strength left to stand under the fatal
+beam," the disgraceful word suggests itself in a moment--yet in
+frequently defying and inviting the vengeance of banded Rocky Mountain
+cut-throats by shooting down their comrades and leaders, and never
+offering to hide or fly, Slade showed that he was a man of peerless
+bravery.  No coward would dare that.  Many a notorious coward, many a
+chicken-livered poltroon, coarse, brutal, degraded, has made his dying
+speech without a quaver in his voice and been swung into eternity with
+what looked liked the calmest fortitude, and so we are justified in
+believing, from the low intellect of such a creature, that it was not
+moral courage that enabled him to do it.  Then, if moral courage is not
+the requisite quality, what could it have been that this stout-hearted
+Slade lacked?--this bloody, desperate, kindly-mannered, urbane gentleman,
+who never hesitated to warn his most ruffianly enemies that he would kill
+them whenever or wherever he came across them next!  I think it is a
+conundrum worth investigating.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+Just beyond the breakfast-station we overtook a Mormon emigrant train of
+thirty-three wagons; and tramping wearily along and driving their herd of
+loose cows, were dozens of coarse-clad and sad-looking men, women and
+children, who had walked as they were walking now, day after day for
+eight lingering weeks, and in that time had compassed the distance our
+stage had come in eight days and three hours--seven hundred and
+ninety-eight miles!  They were dusty and uncombed, hatless, bonnetless
+and ragged, and they did look so tired!
+
+After breakfast, we bathed in Horse Creek, a (previously) limpid,
+sparkling stream--an appreciated luxury, for it was very seldom that our
+furious coach halted long enough for an indulgence of that kind.  We
+changed horses ten or twelve times in every twenty-four hours--changed
+mules, rather--six mules--and did it nearly every time in four minutes.
+It was lively work.  As our coach rattled up to each station six
+harnessed mules stepped gayly from the stable; and in the twinkling of an
+eye, almost, the old team was out, and the new one in and we off and away
+again.
+
+During the afternoon we passed Sweetwater Creek, Independence Rock,
+Devil's Gate and the Devil's Gap.  The latter were wild specimens of
+rugged scenery, and full of interest--we were in the heart of the Rocky
+Mountains, now.  And we also passed by "Alkali" or "Soda Lake," and we
+woke up to the fact that our journey had stretched a long way across the
+world when the driver said that the Mormons often came there from Great
+Salt Lake City to haul away saleratus.  He said that a few days gone by
+they had shoveled up enough pure saleratus from the ground (it was a dry
+lake) to load two wagons, and that when they got these two wagons-loads
+of a drug that cost them nothing, to Salt Lake, they could sell it for
+twenty-five cents a pound.
+
+In the night we sailed by a most notable curiosity, and one we had been
+hearing a good deal about for a day or two, and were suffering to see.
+This was what might be called a natural ice-house.  It was August, now,
+and sweltering weather in the daytime, yet at one of the stations the men
+could scape the soil on the hill-side under the lee of a range of
+boulders, and at a depth of six inches cut out pure blocks of ice--hard,
+compactly frozen, and clear as crystal!
+
+Toward dawn we got under way again, and presently as we sat with raised
+curtains enjoying our early-morning smoke and contemplating the first
+splendor of the rising sun as it swept down the long array of mountain
+peaks, flushing and gilding crag after crag and summit after summit, as
+if the invisible Creator reviewed his gray veterans and they saluted with
+a smile, we hove in sight of South Pass City.  The hotel-keeper, the
+postmaster, the blacksmith, the mayor, the constable, the city marshal
+and the principal citizen and property holder, all came out and greeted
+us cheerily, and we gave him good day.  He gave us a little Indian news,
+and a little Rocky Mountain news, and we gave him some Plains information
+in return.  He then retired to his lonely grandeur and we climbed on up
+among the bristling peaks and the ragged clouds.  South Pass City
+consisted of four log cabins, one if which was unfinished, and the
+gentleman with all those offices and titles was the chiefest of the ten
+citizens of the place.  Think of hotel-keeper, postmaster, blacksmith,
+mayor, constable, city marshal and principal citizen all condensed into
+one person and crammed into one skin.  Bemis said he was "a perfect
+Allen's revolver of dignities."  And he said that if he were to die as
+postmaster, or as blacksmith, or as postmaster and blacksmith both, the
+people might stand it; but if he were to die all over, it would be a
+frightful loss to the community.
+
+Two miles beyond South Pass City we saw for the first time that
+mysterious marvel which all Western untraveled boys have heard of and
+fully believe in, but are sure to be astounded at when they see it with
+their own eyes, nevertheless--banks of snow in dead summer time.  We were
+now far up toward the sky, and knew all the time that we must presently
+encounter lofty summits clad in the "eternal snow" which was so common
+place a matter of mention in books, and yet when I did see it glittering
+in the sun on stately domes in the distance and knew the month was August
+and that my coat was hanging up because it was too warm to wear it, I was
+full as much amazed as if I never had heard of snow in August before.
+Truly, "seeing is believing"--and many a man lives a long life through,
+thinking he believes certain universally received and well established
+things, and yet never suspects that if he were confronted by those things
+once, he would discover that he did not really believe them before, but
+only thought he believed them.
+
+In a little while quite a number of peaks swung into view with long claws
+of glittering snow clasping them; and with here and there, in the shade,
+down the mountain side, a little solitary patch of snow looking no larger
+than a lady's pocket-handkerchief but being in reality as large as a
+"public square."
+
+And now, at last, we were fairly in the renowned SOUTH PASS, and whirling
+gayly along high above the common world.  We were perched upon the
+extreme summit of the great range of the Rocky Mountains, toward which we
+had been climbing, patiently climbing, ceaselessly climbing, for days and
+nights together--and about us was gathered a convention of Nature's kings
+that stood ten, twelve, and even thirteen thousand feet high--grand old
+fellows who would have to stoop to see Mount Washington, in the twilight.
+We were in such an airy elevation above the creeping populations of the
+earth, that now and then when the obstructing crags stood out of the way
+it seemed that we could look around and abroad and contemplate the whole
+great globe, with its dissolving views of mountains, seas and continents
+stretching away through the mystery of the summer haze.
+
+As a general thing the Pass was more suggestive of a valley than a
+suspension bridge in the clouds--but it strongly suggested the latter at
+one spot.  At that place the upper third of one or two majestic purple
+domes projected above our level on either hand and gave us a sense of a
+hidden great deep of mountains and plains and valleys down about their
+bases which we fancied we might see if we could step to the edge and look
+over.  These Sultans of the fastnesses were turbaned with tumbled volumes
+of cloud, which shredded away from time to time and drifted off fringed
+and torn, trailing their continents of shadow after them; and catching
+presently on an intercepting peak, wrapped it about and brooded there
+--then shredded away again and left the purple peak, as they had left the
+purple domes, downy and white with new-laid snow.  In passing, these
+monstrous rags of cloud hung low and swept along right over the
+spectator's head, swinging their tatters so nearly in his face that his
+impulse was to shrink when they came closet.  In the one place I speak
+of, one could look below him upon a world of diminishing crags and
+canyons leading down, down, and away to a vague plain with a thread in it
+which was a road, and bunches of feathers in it which were trees,--a
+pretty picture sleeping in the sunlight--but with a darkness stealing
+over it and glooming its features  deeper and deeper under the frown of a
+coming storm; and then, while no film or shadow marred the noon
+brightness of his high perch, he could watch the tempest break forth down
+there and see the lightnings leap from crag to crag and the sheeted rain
+drive along the canyon-sides, and hear the thunders peal and crash and
+roar.  We had this spectacle; a familiar one to many, but to us a
+novelty.
+
+We bowled along cheerily, and presently, at the very summit (though it
+had been all summit to us, and all equally level, for half an hour or
+more), we came to a spring which spent its water through two outlets and
+sent it in opposite directions.  The conductor said that one of those
+streams which we were looking at, was just starting on a journey westward
+to the Gulf of California and the Pacific Ocean, through hundreds and
+even thousands of miles of desert solitudes.  He said that the other was
+just leaving its home among the snow-peaks on a similar journey eastward
+--and we knew that long after we should have forgotten the simple rivulet
+it would still be plodding its patient way down the mountain sides, and
+canyon-beds, and between the banks of the Yellowstone; and by and by
+would join the broad Missouri and flow through unknown plains and deserts
+and unvisited wildernesses; and add a long and troubled pilgrimage among
+snags and wrecks and sandbars; and enter the Mississippi, touch the
+wharves of St. Louis and still drift on, traversing shoals and rocky
+channels, then endless chains of bottomless and ample bends, walled with
+unbroken forests, then mysterious byways and secret passages among woody
+islands, then the chained bends again, bordered with wide levels of
+shining sugar-cane in place of the sombre forests; then by New Orleans
+and still other chains of bends--and finally, after two long months of
+daily and nightly harassment, excitement, enjoyment, adventure, and awful
+peril of parched throats, pumps and evaporation, pass the Gulf and enter
+into its rest upon the bosom of the tropic sea, never to look upon its
+snow-peaks again or regret them.
+
+I freighted a leaf with a mental message for the friends at home, and
+dropped it in the stream.  But I put no stamp on it and it was held for
+postage somewhere.
+
+On the summit we overtook an emigrant train of many wagons, many tired
+men and women, and many a disgusted sheep and cow.
+
+In the wofully dusty horseman in charge of the expedition I recognized
+John -----.  Of all persons in the world to meet on top of the Rocky
+Mountains thousands of miles from home, he was the last one I should have
+looked for.  We were school-boys together and warm friends for years.
+But a boyish prank of mine had disruptured this friendship and it had
+never been renewed.  The act of which I speak was this.  I had been
+accustomed to visit occasionally an editor whose room was in the third
+story of a building and overlooked the street.  One day this editor gave
+me a watermelon which I made preparations to devour on the spot, but
+chancing to look out of the window, I saw John standing directly under it
+and an irresistible desire came upon me to drop the melon on his head,
+which I immediately did.  I was the loser, for it spoiled the melon, and
+John never forgave me and we dropped all intercourse and parted, but now
+met again under these circumstances.
+
+We recognized each other simultaneously, and hands were grasped as warmly
+as if no coldness had ever existed between us, and no allusion was made
+to any.  All animosities were buried and the simple fact of meeting a
+familiar face in that isolated spot so far from home, was sufficient to
+make us forget all things but pleasant ones, and we parted again with
+sincere "good-bye" and "God bless you" from both.
+
+We had been climbing up the long shoulders of the Rocky Mountains for
+many tedious hours--we started down them, now.  And we went spinning away
+at a round rate too.
+
+We left the snowy Wind River Mountains and Uinta Mountains behind, and
+sped away, always through splendid scenery but occasionally through long
+ranks of white skeletons of mules and oxen--monuments of the huge
+emigration of other days--and here and there were up-ended boards or
+small piles of stones which the driver said marked the resting-place of
+more precious remains.
+
+It was the loneliest land for a grave!  A land given over to the cayote
+and the raven--which is but another name for desolation and utter
+solitude.  On damp, murky nights, these scattered skeletons gave forth a
+soft, hideous glow, like very faint spots of moonlight starring the vague
+desert.  It was because of the phosphorus in the bones.  But no
+scientific explanation could keep a body from shivering when he drifted
+by one of those ghostly lights and knew that a skull held it.
+
+At midnight it began to rain, and I never saw anything like it--indeed, I
+did not even see this, for it was too dark.  We fastened down the
+curtains and even caulked them with clothing, but the rain streamed in in
+twenty places, nothwithstanding.  There was no escape.  If one moved his
+feet out of a stream, he brought his body under one; and if he moved his
+body he caught one somewhere else.  If he struggled out of the drenched
+blankets and sat up, he was bound to get one down the back of his neck.
+Meantime the stage was wandering about a plain with gaping gullies in it,
+for the driver could not see an inch before his face nor keep the road,
+and the storm pelted so pitilessly that there was no keeping the horses
+still.  With the first abatement the conductor turned out with lanterns
+to look for the road, and the first dash he made was into a chasm about
+fourteen feet deep, his lantern following like a meteor.  As soon as he
+touched bottom he sang out frantically:
+
+"Don't come here!"
+
+To which the driver, who was looking over the precipice where he had
+disappeared, replied, with an injured air: "Think I'm a dam fool?"
+
+The conductor was more than an hour finding the road--a matter which
+showed us how far we had wandered and what chances we had been taking.
+He traced our wheel-tracks to the imminent verge of danger, in two
+places.  I have always been glad that we were not killed that night.
+I do not know any particular reason, but I have always been glad.
+In the morning, the tenth day out, we crossed Green River, a fine, large,
+limpid stream--stuck in it with the water just up to the top of our
+mail-bed, and waited till extra teams were put on to haul us up the steep
+bank.  But it was nice cool water, and besides it could not find any
+fresh place on us to wet.
+
+At the Green River station we had breakfast--hot biscuits, fresh antelope
+steaks, and coffee--the only decent meal we tasted between the United
+States and Great Salt Lake City, and the only one we were ever really
+thankful for.
+
+Think of the monotonous execrableness of the thirty that went before it,
+to leave this one simple breakfast looming up in my memory like a
+shot-tower after all these years have gone by!
+
+At five P.M.  we reached Fort Bridger, one hundred and seventeen miles
+from the South Pass, and one thousand and twenty-five miles from St.
+Joseph.  Fifty-two miles further on, near the head of Echo Canyon, we met
+sixty United States soldiers from Camp Floyd.  The day before, they had
+fired upon three hundred or four hundred Indians, whom they supposed
+gathered together for no good purpose.  In the fight that had ensued,
+four Indians were captured, and the main body chased four miles, but
+nobody killed.  This looked like business.  We had a notion to get out
+and join the sixty soldiers, but upon reflecting that there were four
+hundred of the Indians, we concluded to go on and join the Indians.
+
+Echo Canyon is twenty miles long.  It was like a long, smooth, narrow
+street, with a gradual descending grade, and shut in by enormous
+perpendicular walls of coarse conglomerate, four hundred feet high in
+many places, and turreted like mediaeval castles.  This was the most
+faultless piece of road in the mountains, and the driver said he would
+"let his team out."  He did, and if the Pacific express trains whiz
+through there now any faster than we did then in the stage-coach, I envy
+the passengers the exhilaration of it.  We fairly seemed to pick up our
+wheels and fly--and the mail matter was lifted up free from everything
+and held in solution!  I am not given to exaggeration, and when I say a
+thing I mean it.
+
+However, time presses.  At four in the afternoon we arrived on the summit
+of Big Mountain, fifteen miles from Salt Lake City, when all the world
+was glorified with the setting sun, and the most stupendous panorama of
+mountain peaks yet encountered burst on our sight.  We looked out upon
+this sublime spectacle from under the arch of a brilliant rainbow!  Even
+the overland stage-driver stopped his horses and gazed!
+
+Half an hour or an hour later, we changed horses, and took supper with a
+Mormon "Destroying Angel."
+
+"Destroying Angels," as I understand it, are Latter-Day Saints who are
+set apart by the Church to conduct permanent disappearances of obnoxious
+citizens.  I had heard a deal about these Mormon Destroying Angels and
+the dark and bloody deeds they had done, and when I entered this one's
+house I had my shudder all ready.  But alas for all our romances, he was
+nothing but a loud, profane, offensive, old blackguard!  He was murderous
+enough, possibly, to fill the bill of a Destroyer, but would you have any
+kind of an Angel devoid of dignity?  Could you abide an Angel in an
+unclean shirt and no suspenders?  Could you respect an Angel with a
+horse-laugh and a swagger like a buccaneer?
+
+There were other blackguards present--comrades of this one.  And there
+was one person that looked like a gentleman--Heber C. Kimball's son, tall
+and well made, and thirty years old, perhaps.  A lot of slatternly women
+flitted hither and thither in a hurry, with coffee-pots, plates of bread,
+and other appurtenances to supper, and these were said to be the wives of
+the Angel--or some of them, at least.  And of course they were; for if
+they had been hired "help" they would not have let an angel from above
+storm and swear at them as he did, let alone one from the place this one
+hailed from.
+
+This was our first experience of the western "peculiar institution," and
+it was not very prepossessing.  We did not tarry long to observe it, but
+hurried on to the home of the Latter-Day Saints, the stronghold of the
+prophets, the capital of the only absolute monarch in America--Great Salt
+Lake City.  As the night closed in we took sanctuary in the Salt Lake
+House and unpacked our baggage.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+We had a fine supper, of the freshest meats and fowls and vegetables--a
+great variety and as great abundance.  We walked about the streets some,
+afterward, and glanced in at shops and stores; and there was fascination
+in surreptitiously staring at every creature we took to be a Mormon.
+This was fairy-land to us, to all intents and purposes--a land of
+enchantment, and goblins, and awful mystery.  We felt a curiosity to ask
+every child how many mothers it had, and if it could tell them apart; and
+we experienced a thrill every time a dwelling-house door opened and shut
+as we passed, disclosing a glimpse of human heads and backs and
+shoulders--for we so longed to have a good satisfying look at a Mormon
+family in all its comprehensive ampleness, disposed in the customary
+concentric rings of its home circle.
+
+By and by the Acting Governor of the Territory introduced us to other
+"Gentiles," and we spent a sociable hour with them.  "Gentiles" are
+people who are not Mormons.  Our fellow-passenger, Bemis, took care of
+himself, during this part of the evening, and did not make an
+overpowering success of it, either, for he came into our room in the
+hotel about eleven o'clock, full of cheerfulness, and talking loosely,
+disjointedly and indiscriminately, and every now and then tugging out a
+ragged word by the roots that had more hiccups than syllables in it.
+This, together with his hanging his coat on the floor on one side of a
+chair, and his vest on the floor on the other side, and piling his pants
+on the floor just in front of the same chair, and then comtemplating the
+general result with superstitious awe, and finally pronouncing it "too
+many for him" and going to bed with his boots on, led us to fear that
+something he had eaten had not agreed with him.
+
+But we knew afterward that it was something he had been drinking.  It was
+the exclusively Mormon refresher, "valley tan."
+
+Valley tan (or, at least, one form of valley tan) is a kind of whisky,
+or first cousin to it; is of Mormon invention and manufactured only in
+Utah.  Tradition says it is made of (imported) fire and brimstone.  If I
+remember rightly no public drinking saloons were allowed in the kingdom
+by Brigham Young, and no private drinking permitted among the faithful,
+except they confined themselves to "valley tan."
+
+Next day we strolled about everywhere through the broad, straight, level
+streets, and enjoyed the pleasant strangeness of a city of fifteen
+thousand inhabitants with no loafers perceptible in it; and no visible
+drunkards or noisy people; a limpid stream rippling and dancing through
+every street in place of a filthy gutter; block after block of trim
+dwellings, built of "frame" and sunburned brick--a great thriving orchard
+and garden behind every one of them, apparently--branches from the street
+stream winding and sparkling among the garden beds and fruit trees--and a
+grand general air of neatness, repair, thrift and comfort, around and
+about and over the whole.  And everywhere were workshops, factories, and
+all manner of industries; and intent faces and busy hands were to be seen
+wherever one looked; and in one's ears was the ceaseless clink of
+hammers, the buzz of trade and the contented hum of drums and fly-wheels.
+
+The armorial crest of my own State consisted of two dissolute bears
+holding up the head of a dead and gone cask between them and making the
+pertinent remark, "UNITED, WE STAND--(hic!)--DIVIDED, WE FALL."  It was
+always too figurative for the author of this book.  But the Mormon crest
+was easy.  And it was simple, unostentatious, and fitted like a glove.
+It was a representation of a GOLDEN BEEHIVE, with the bees all at work!
+
+The city lies in the edge of a level plain as broad as the State of
+Connecticut, and crouches close down to the ground under a curving wall
+of mighty mountains whose heads are hidden in the clouds, and whose
+shoulders bear relics of the snows of winter all the summer long.
+
+Seen from one of these dizzy heights, twelve or fifteen miles off, Great
+Salt Lake City is toned down and diminished till it is suggestive of a
+child's toy-village reposing under the majestic protection of the Chinese
+wall.
+
+On some of those mountains, to the southwest, it had been raining every
+day for two weeks, but not a drop had fallen in the city.  And on hot
+days in late spring and early autumn the citizens could quit fanning and
+growling and go out and cool off by looking at the luxury of a glorious
+snow-storm going on in the mountains.  They could enjoy it at a distance,
+at those seasons, every day, though no snow would fall in their streets,
+or anywhere near them.
+
+Salt Lake City was healthy--an extremely healthy city.
+
+They declared there was only one physician in the place and he was
+arrested every week regularly and held to answer under the vagrant act
+for having "no visible means of support."  They always give you a good
+substantial article of truth in Salt Lake, and good measure and good
+weight, too. [Very often, if you wished to weigh one of their airiest
+little commonplace statements you would want the hay scales.]
+
+We desired to visit the famous inland sea, the American "Dead Sea," the
+great Salt Lake--seventeen miles, horseback, from the city--for we had
+dreamed about it, and thought about it, and talked about it, and yearned
+to see it, all the first part of our trip; but now when it was only arm's
+length away it had suddenly lost nearly every bit of its interest.  And
+so we put it off, in a sort of general way, till next day--and that was
+the last we ever thought of it.  We dined with some hospitable Gentiles;
+and visited the foundation of the prodigious temple; and talked long with
+that shrewd Connecticut Yankee, Heber C. Kimball (since deceased), a
+saint of high degree and a mighty man of commerce.
+
+We saw the "Tithing-House," and the "Lion House," and I do not know or
+remember how many more church and government buildings of various kinds
+and curious names.  We flitted hither and thither and enjoyed every hour,
+and picked up a great deal of useful information and entertaining
+nonsense, and went to bed at night satisfied.
+
+The second day, we made the acquaintance of Mr. Street (since deceased)
+and put on white shirts and went and paid a state visit to the king.
+He seemed a quiet, kindly, easy-mannered, dignified, self-possessed old
+gentleman of fifty-five or sixty, and had a gentle craft in his eye that
+probably belonged there.  He was very simply dressed and was just taking
+off a straw hat as we entered.  He talked about Utah, and the Indians,
+and Nevada, and general American matters and questions, with our
+secretary and certain government officials who came with us.  But he
+never paid any attention to me, notwithstanding I made several attempts
+to "draw him out" on federal politics and his high handed attitude toward
+Congress.  I thought some of the things I said were rather fine.  But he
+merely looked around at me, at distant intervals, something as I have
+seen a benignant old cat look around to see which kitten was meddling
+with her tail.
+
+By and by I subsided into an indignant silence, and so sat until the end,
+hot and flushed, and execrating him in my heart for an ignorant savage.
+But he was calm.  His conversation with those gentlemen flowed on as
+sweetly and peacefully and musically as any summer brook.  When the
+audience was ended and we were retiring from the presence, he put his
+hand on my head, beamed down on me in an admiring way and said to my
+brother:
+
+"Ah--your child, I presume?  Boy, or girl?"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+Mr. Street was very busy with his telegraphic matters--and considering
+that he had eight or nine hundred miles of rugged, snowy, uninhabited
+mountains, and waterless, treeless, melancholy deserts to traverse with
+his wire, it was natural and needful that he should be as busy as
+possible.  He could not go comfortably along and cut his poles by the
+road-side, either, but they had to be hauled by ox teams across those
+exhausting deserts--and it was two days' journey from water to water, in
+one or two of them.  Mr. Street's contract was a vast work, every way one
+looked at it; and yet to comprehend what the vague words "eight hundred
+miles of rugged mountains and dismal deserts" mean, one must go over the
+ground in person--pen and ink descriptions cannot convey the dreary
+reality to the reader.  And after all, Mr. S.'s mightiest difficulty
+turned out to be one which he had never taken into the account at all.
+Unto Mormons he had sub-let the hardest and heaviest half of his great
+undertaking, and all of a sudden they concluded that they were going to
+make little or nothing, and so they tranquilly threw their poles
+overboard in mountain or desert, just as it happened when they took the
+notion, and drove home and went about their customary business!  They
+were under written contract to Mr. Street, but they did not care anything
+for that.  They said they would "admire" to see a "Gentile" force a
+Mormon to fulfil a losing contract in Utah!  And they made themselves
+very merry over the matter.  Street said--for it was he that told us
+these things:
+
+"I was in dismay.  I was under heavy bonds to complete my contract in a
+given time, and this disaster looked very much like ruin.  It was an
+astounding thing; it was such a wholly unlooked-for difficulty, that I
+was entirely nonplussed.  I am a business man--have always been a
+business man--do not know anything but business--and so you can imagine
+how like being struck by lightning it was to find myself in a country
+where written contracts were worthless!--that main security, that
+sheet-anchor, that absolute necessity, of business.  My confidence left
+me. There was no use in making new contracts--that was plain.  I talked
+with first one prominent citizen and then another.  They all sympathized
+with me, first rate, but they did not know how to help me.  But at last a
+Gentile said, 'Go to Brigham Young!--these small fry cannot do you any
+good.'  I did not think much of the idea, for if the law could not help
+me, what could an individual do who had not even anything to do with
+either making the laws or executing them?  He might be a very good
+patriarch of a church and preacher in its tabernacle, but something
+sterner than religion and moral suasion was needed to handle a hundred
+refractory, half-civilized sub-contractors.  But what was a man to do? I
+thought if Mr. Young could not do anything else, he might probably be
+able to give me some advice and a valuable hint or two, and so I went
+straight to him and laid the whole case before him.  He said very little,
+but he showed strong interest all the way through.  He examined all the
+papers in detail, and whenever there seemed anything like a hitch, either
+in the papers or my statement, he would go back and take up the thread
+and follow it patiently out to an intelligent and satisfactory result.
+Then he made a list of the contractors' names.  Finally he said:
+
+"'Mr. Street, this is all perfectly plain.  These contracts are strictly
+and legally drawn, and are duly signed and certified.  These men
+manifestly entered into them with their eyes open.  I see no fault or
+flaw anywhere.'
+
+"Then Mr. Young turned to a man waiting at the other end of the room and
+said: 'Take this list of names to So-and-so, and tell him to have these
+men here at such-and-such an hour.'
+
+"They were there, to the minute.  So was I.  Mr. Young asked them a
+number of questions, and their answers made my statement good.  Then he
+said to them:
+
+"'You signed these contracts and assumed these obligations of your own
+free will and accord?'
+
+"'Yes.'
+
+"'Then carry them out to the letter, if it makes paupers of you!  Go!'
+
+"And they did go, too!  They are strung across the deserts now, working
+like bees.  And I never hear a word out of them.
+
+"There is a batch of governors, and judges, and other officials here,
+shipped from Washington, and they maintain the semblance of a republican
+form of government--but the petrified truth is that Utah is an absolute
+monarchy and Brigham Young is king!"
+
+Mr. Street was a fine man, and I believe his story.  I knew him well
+during several years afterward in San Francisco.
+
+Our stay in Salt Lake City amounted to only two days, and therefore we
+had no time to make the customary inquisition into the workings of
+polygamy and get up the usual statistics and deductions preparatory to
+calling the attention of the nation at large once more to the matter.
+
+I had the will to do it.  With the gushing self-sufficiency of youth I
+was feverish to plunge in headlong and achieve a great reform here--until
+I saw the Mormon women.  Then I was touched.  My heart was wiser than my
+head.  It warmed toward these poor, ungainly and pathetically "homely"
+creatures, and as I turned to hide the generous moisture in my eyes, I
+said, "No--the man that marries one of them has done an act of Christian
+charity which entitles him to the kindly applause of mankind, not their
+harsh censure--and the man that marries sixty of them has done a deed of
+open-handed generosity so sublime that the nations should stand uncovered
+in his presence and worship in silence."
+
+      [For a brief sketch of Mormon history, and the noted Mountain Meadow
+      massacre, see Appendices A and B. ]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+It is a luscious country for thrilling evening stories about
+assassinations of intractable Gentiles.  I cannot easily conceive of
+anything more cosy than the night in Salt Lake which we spent in a
+Gentile den, smoking pipes and listening to tales of how Burton galloped
+in among the pleading and defenceless "Morisites" and shot them down, men
+and women, like so many dogs.  And how Bill Hickman, a Destroying Angel,
+shot Drown and Arnold dead for bringing suit against him for a debt.
+And how Porter Rockwell did this and that dreadful thing.  And how
+heedless people often come to Utah and make remarks about Brigham, or
+polygamy, or some other sacred matter, and the very next morning at
+daylight such parties are sure to be found lying up some back alley,
+contentedly waiting for the hearse.
+
+And the next most interesting thing is to sit and listen to these
+Gentiles talk about polygamy; and how some portly old frog of an elder,
+or a bishop, marries a girl--likes her, marries her sister--likes her,
+marries another sister--likes her, takes another--likes her, marries her
+mother--likes her, marries her father, grandfather, great grandfather,
+and then comes back hungry and asks for more.  And how the pert young
+thing of eleven will chance to be the favorite wife and her own venerable
+grandmother have to rank away down toward D 4 in their mutual husband's
+esteem, and have to sleep in the kitchen, as like as not.  And how this
+dreadful sort of thing, this hiving together in one foul nest of mother
+and daughters, and the making a young daughter superior to her own mother
+in rank and authority, are things which Mormon women submit to because
+their religion teaches them that the more wives a man has on earth, and
+the more children he rears, the higher the place they will all have in
+the world to come--and the warmer, maybe, though they do not seem to say
+anything about that.
+
+According to these Gentile friends of ours, Brigham Young's harem
+contains twenty or thirty wives.  They said that some of them had grown
+old and gone out of active service, but were comfortably housed and cared
+for in the henery--or the Lion House, as it is strangely named.  Along
+with each wife were her children--fifty altogether.  The house was
+perfectly quiet and orderly, when the children were still.  They all took
+their meals in one room, and a happy and home-like sight it was
+pronounced to be.  None of our party got an opportunity to take dinner
+with Mr. Young, but a Gentile by the name of Johnson professed to have
+enjoyed a sociable breakfast in the Lion House.  He gave a preposterous
+account of the "calling of the roll," and other preliminaries, and the
+carnage that ensued when the buckwheat cakes came in.  But he embellished
+rather too much.  He said that Mr. Young told him several smart sayings
+of certain of his "two-year-olds," observing with some pride that for
+many years he had been the heaviest contributor in that line to one of
+the Eastern magazines; and then he wanted to show Mr. Johnson one of the
+pets that had said the last good thing, but he could not find the child.
+
+He searched the faces of the children in detail, but could not decide
+which one it was.  Finally he gave it up with a sigh and said:
+
+"I thought I would know the little cub again but I don't."  Mr. Johnson
+said further, that Mr. Young observed that life was a sad, sad thing
+--"because the joy of every new marriage a man contracted was so apt to be
+blighted by the inopportune funeral of a less recent bride."  And Mr.
+Johnson said that while he and Mr. Young were pleasantly conversing in
+private, one of the Mrs. Youngs came in and demanded a breast-pin,
+remarking that she had found out that he had been giving a breast-pin to
+No. 6, and she, for one, did not propose to let this partiality go on
+without making a satisfactory amount of trouble about it.  Mr. Young
+reminded her that there was a stranger present.  Mrs. Young said that if
+the state of things inside the house was not agreeable to the stranger,
+he could find room outside.  Mr. Young promised the breast-pin, and she
+went away.  But in a minute or two another Mrs. Young came in and
+demanded a breast-pin.  Mr. Young began a remonstrance, but Mrs. Young
+cut him short.  She said No. 6 had got one, and No. 11 was promised one,
+and it was "no use for him to try to impose on her--she hoped she knew
+her rights."  He gave his promise, and she went.  And presently three
+Mrs. Youngs entered in a body and opened on their husband a tempest of
+tears, abuse, and entreaty.  They had heard all about No. 6, No. 11, and
+No. 14.  Three more breast-pins were promised.  They were hardly gone
+when nine more Mrs. Youngs filed into the presence, and a new tempest
+burst forth and raged round about the prophet and his guest.  Nine
+breast-pins were promised, and the weird sisters filed out again.  And in
+came eleven more, weeping and wailing and gnashing their teeth.  Eleven
+promised breast-pins purchased peace once more.
+
+"That is a specimen," said Mr. Young.  "You see how it is.  You see what
+a life I lead.  A man can't be wise all the time.  In a heedless moment I
+gave my darling No. 6--excuse my calling her thus, as her other name has
+escaped me for the moment--a breast-pin.  It was only worth twenty-five
+dollars--that is, apparently that was its whole cost--but its ultimate
+cost was inevitably bound to be a good deal more.  You yourself have seen
+it climb up to six hundred and fifty dollars--and alas, even that is not
+the end!  For I have wives all over this Territory of Utah.  I have
+dozens of wives whose numbers, even, I do not know without looking in the
+family Bible.  They are scattered far and wide among the mountains and
+valleys of my realm.  And mark you, every solitary one of them will hear
+of this wretched breast pin, and every last one of them will have one or
+die.  No. 6's breast pin will cost me twenty-five hundred dollars before
+I see the end of it.  And these creatures will compare these pins
+together, and if one is a shade finer than the rest, they will all be
+thrown on my hands, and I will have to order a new lot to keep peace in
+the family.  Sir, you probably did not know it, but all the time you were
+present with my children your every movement was watched by vigilant
+servitors of mine.  If you had offered to give a child a dime, or a stick
+of candy, or any trifle of the kind, you would have been snatched out of
+the house instantly, provided it could be done before your gift left your
+hand.  Otherwise it would be absolutely necessary for you to make an
+exactly similar gift to all my children--and knowing by experience the
+importance of the thing, I would have stood by and seen to it myself that
+you did it, and did it thoroughly.  Once a gentleman gave one of my
+children a tin whistle--a veritable invention of Satan, sir, and one
+which I have an unspeakable horror of, and so would you if you had eighty
+or ninety children in your house.  But the deed was done--the man
+escaped.  I knew what the result was going to be, and I thirsted for
+vengeance.  I ordered out a flock of Destroying Angels, and they hunted
+the man far into the fastnesses of the Nevada mountains.  But they never
+caught him.  I am not cruel, sir--I am not vindictive except when sorely
+outraged--but if I had caught him, sir, so help me Joseph Smith, I would
+have locked him into the nursery till the brats whistled him to death.
+By the slaughtered body of St. Parley Pratt (whom God assail!) there
+was never anything on this earth like it!  I knew who gave the whistle to
+the child, but I could, not make those jealous mothers believe me.  They
+believed I did it, and the result was just what any man of reflection
+could have foreseen: I had to order a hundred and ten whistles--I think
+we had a hundred and ten children in the house then, but some of them are
+off at college now--I had to order a hundred and ten of those shrieking
+things, and I wish I may never speak another word if we didn't have to
+talk on our fingers entirely, from that time forth until the children got
+tired of the whistles.  And if ever another man gives a whistle to a
+child of mine and I get my hands on him, I will hang him higher than
+Haman!  That is the word with the bark on it!  Shade of Nephi!  You don't
+know anything about married life.  I am rich, and everybody knows it.  I
+am benevolent, and everybody takes advantage of it.  I have a strong
+fatherly instinct and all the foundlings are foisted on me.
+
+"Every time a woman wants to do well by her darling, she puzzles her brain
+to cipher out some scheme for getting it into my hands.  Why, sir, a
+woman came here once with a child of a curious lifeless sort of
+complexion (and so had the woman), and swore that the child was mine and
+she my wife--that I had married her at such-and-such a time in
+such-and-such a place, but she had forgotten her number, and of course I
+could not remember her name.  Well, sir, she called my attention to the
+fact that the child looked like me, and really it did seem to resemble
+me--a common thing in the Territory--and, to cut the story short, I put
+it in my nursery, and she left.  And by the ghost of Orson Hyde, when
+they came to wash the paint off that child it was an Injun!  Bless my
+soul, you don't know anything about married life.  It is a perfect dog's
+life, sir--a perfect dog's life.  You can't economize.  It isn't
+possible.  I have tried keeping one set of bridal attire for all
+occasions.  But it is of no use.  First you'll marry a combination of
+calico and consumption that's as thin as a rail, and next you'll get a
+creature that's nothing more than the dropsy in disguise, and then you've
+got to eke out that bridal dress with an old balloon.  That is the way it
+goes.  And think of the wash-bill--(excuse these tears)--nine hundred and
+eighty-four pieces a week!  No, sir, there is no such a thing as economy
+in a family like mine.  Why, just the one item of cradles--think of it!
+And vermifuge! Soothing syrup!  Teething rings!  And 'papa's watches' for
+the babies to play with!  And things to scratch the furniture with!  And
+lucifer matches for them to eat, and pieces of glass to cut themselves
+with! The item of glass alone would support your family, I venture to
+say, sir. Let me scrimp and squeeze all I can, I still can't get ahead as
+fast as I feel I ought to, with my opportunities.  Bless you, sir, at a
+time when I had seventy-two wives in this house, I groaned under the
+pressure of keeping thousands of dollars tied up in seventy-two bedsteads
+when the money ought to have been out at interest; and I just sold out
+the whole stock, sir, at a sacrifice, and built a bedstead seven feet
+long and ninety-six feet wide.  But it was a failure, sir.  I could not
+sleep. It appeared to me that the whole seventy-two women snored at once.
+The roar was deafening.  And then the danger of it!  That was what I was
+looking at.  They would all draw in their breath at once, and you could
+actually see the walls of the house suck in--and then they would all
+exhale their breath at once, and you could see the walls swell out, and
+strain, and hear the rafters crack, and the shingles grind together. My
+friend, take an old man's advice, and don't encumber yourself with a
+large family--mind, I tell you, don't do it.  In a small family, and in a
+small family only, you will find that comfort and that peace of mind
+which are the best at last of the blessings this world is able to afford
+us, and for the lack of which no accumulation of wealth, and no
+acquisition of fame, power, and greatness can ever compensate us. Take my
+word for it, ten or eleven wives is all you need--never go over it."
+
+Some instinct or other made me set this Johnson down as being unreliable.
+And yet he was a very entertaining person, and I doubt if some of the
+information he gave us could have been acquired from any other source.
+He was a pleasant contrast to those reticent Mormons.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+All men have heard of the Mormon Bible, but few except the "elect" have
+seen it, or, at least, taken the trouble to read it.  I brought away a
+copy from Salt Lake.  The book is a curiosity to me, it is such a
+pretentious affair, and yet so "slow," so sleepy; such an insipid mess of
+inspiration.  It is chloroform in print.  If Joseph Smith composed this
+book, the act was a miracle--keeping awake while he did it was, at any
+rate.  If he, according to tradition, merely translated it from certain
+ancient and mysteriously-engraved plates of copper, which he declares he
+found under a stone, in an out-of-the-way locality, the work of
+translating was equally a miracle, for the same reason.
+
+The book seems to be merely a prosy detail of imaginary history, with the
+Old Testament for a model; followed by a tedious plagiarism of the New
+Testament.  The author labored to give his words and phrases the quaint,
+old-fashioned sound and structure of our King James's translation of the
+Scriptures; and the result is a mongrel--half modern glibness, and half
+ancient simplicity and gravity.  The latter is awkward and constrained;
+the former natural, but grotesque by the contrast.  Whenever he found his
+speech growing too modern--which was about every sentence or two--he
+ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as "exceeding sore," "and it came
+to pass," etc., and made things satisfactory again.  "And it came to
+pass" was his pet.  If he had left that out, his Bible would have been
+only a pamphlet.
+
+The title-page reads as follows:
+
+      THE BOOK OF MORMON: AN ACCOUNT WRITTEN BY THE HAND OF MORMON, UPON
+      PLATES TAKEN FROM THE PLATES OF NEPHI.
+
+      Wherefore it is an abridgment of the record of the people of Nephi,
+      and also of the Lamanites; written to the Lamanites, who are a
+      remnant of the House of Israel; and also to Jew and Gentile; written
+      by way of commandment, and also by the spirit of prophecy and of
+      revelation.  Written and sealed up, and hid up unto the Lord, that
+      they might not be destroyed; to come forth by the gift and power of
+      God unto the interpretation thereof; sealed by the hand of Moroni,
+      and hid up unto the Lord, to come forth in due time by the way of
+      Gentile; the interpretation thereof by the gift of God.  An
+      abridgment taken from the Book of Ether also; which is a record of
+      the people of Jared; who were scattered at the time the Lord
+      confounded the language of the people when they were building a
+      tower to get to Heaven.
+
+"Hid up" is good.  And so is "wherefore"--though why "wherefore"?  Any
+other word would have answered as well--though--in truth it would not
+have sounded so Scriptural.
+
+Next comes:
+
+      THE TESTIMONY OF THREE WITNESSES.
+      Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people unto
+      whom this work shall come, that we, through the grace of God the
+      Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ, have seen the plates which
+      contain this record, which is a record of the people of Nephi, and
+      also of the Lamanites, their brethren, and also of the people of
+      Jared, who came from the tower of which hath been spoken; and we
+      also know that they have been translated by the gift and power of
+      God, for His voice hath declared it unto us; wherefore we know of a
+      surety that the work is true.  And we also testify that we have seen
+      the engravings which are upon the plates; and they have been shown
+      unto us by the power of God, and not of man.  And we declare with
+      words of soberness, that an angel of God came down from heaven, and
+      he brought and laid before our eyes, that we beheld and saw the
+      plates, and the engravings thereon; and we know that it is by the
+      grace of God the Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ, that we beheld
+      and bear record that these things are true; and it is marvellous in
+      our eyes; nevertheless the voice of the Lord commanded us that we
+      should bear record of it; wherefore, to be obedient unto the
+      commandments of God, we bear testimony of these things.  And we know
+      that if we are faithful in Christ, we shall rid our garments of the
+      blood of all men, and be found spotless before the judgment-seat of
+      Christ, and shall dwell with Him eternally in the heavens.  And the
+      honor be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost, which
+      is one God.  Amen.
+                          OLIVER COWDERY,
+                          DAVID WHITMER,
+                          MARTIN HARRIS.
+
+Some people have to have a world of evidence before they can come
+anywhere in the neighborhood of believing anything; but for me, when a
+man tells me that he has "seen the engravings which are upon the plates,"
+and not only that, but an angel was there at the time, and saw him see
+them, and probably took his receipt for it, I am very far on the road to
+conviction, no matter whether I ever heard of that man before or not, and
+even if I do not know the name of the angel, or his nationality either.
+
+Next is this:
+
+      AND ALSO THE TESTIMONY OF EIGHT WITNESSES.
+      Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people unto
+      whom this work shall come, that Joseph Smith, Jr., the translator of
+      this work, has shown unto us the plates of which hath been spoken,
+      which have the appearance of gold; and as many of the leaves as the
+      said Smith has translated, we did handle with our hands; and we also
+      saw the engravings thereon, all of which has the appearance of
+      ancient work, and of curious workmanship.  And this we bear record
+      with words of soberness, that the said Smith has shown unto us, for
+      we have seen and hefted, and know of a surety that the said Smith
+      has got the plates of which we have spoken.  And we give our names
+      unto the world, to witness unto the world that which we have seen;
+      and we lie not, God bearing witness of it.
+                          CHRISTIAN WHITMER,
+                          JACOB WHITMER,
+                          PETER WHITMER, JR.,
+                          JOHN WHITMER,
+                          HIRAM PAGE,
+                          JOSEPH SMITH, SR.,
+                          HYRUM SMITH,
+                          SAMUEL H.  SMITH.
+
+And when I am far on the road to conviction, and eight men, be they
+grammatical or otherwise, come forward and tell me that they have seen
+the plates too; and not only seen those plates but "hefted" them, I am
+convinced.  I could not feel more satisfied and at rest if the entire
+Whitmer family had testified.
+
+The Mormon Bible consists of fifteen "books"--being the books of Jacob,
+Enos, Jarom, Omni, Mosiah, Zeniff, Alma, Helaman, Ether, Moroni, two
+"books" of Mormon, and three of Nephi.
+
+In the first book of Nephi is a plagiarism of the Old Testament, which
+gives an account of the exodus from Jerusalem of the "children of Lehi";
+and it goes on to tell of their wanderings in the wilderness, during
+eight years, and their supernatural protection by one of their number, a
+party by the name of Nephi.  They finally reached the land of
+"Bountiful," and camped by the sea.  After they had remained there "for
+the space of many days"--which is more Scriptural than definite--Nephi
+was commanded from on high to build a ship wherein to "carry the people
+across the waters."  He travestied Noah's ark--but he obeyed orders in
+the matter of the plan.  He finished the ship in a single day, while his
+brethren stood by and made fun of it--and of him, too--"saying, our
+brother is a fool, for he thinketh that he can build a ship."  They did
+not wait for the timbers to dry, but the whole tribe or nation sailed the
+next day.  Then a bit of genuine nature cropped out, and is revealed by
+outspoken Nephi with Scriptural frankness--they all got on a spree!
+They, "and also their wives, began to make themselves merry, insomuch
+that they began to dance, and to sing, and to speak with much rudeness;
+yea, they were lifted up unto exceeding rudeness."
+
+Nephi tried to stop these scandalous proceedings; but they tied him neck
+and heels, and went on with their lark.  But observe how Nephi the
+prophet circumvented them by the aid of the invisible powers:
+
+      And it came to pass that after they had bound me, insomuch that I
+      could not move, the compass, which had been prepared of the Lord,
+      did cease to work; wherefore, they knew not whither they should
+      steer the ship, insomuch that there arose a great storm, yea, a
+      great and terrible tempest, and we were driven back upon the waters
+      for the space of three days; and they began to be frightened
+      exceedingly, lest they should be drowned in the sea; nevertheless
+      they did not loose me.  And on the fourth day, which we had been
+      driven back, the tempest began to be exceeding sore.  And it came to
+      pass that we were about to be swallowed up in the depths of the sea.
+
+Then they untied him.
+
+      And it came to pass after they had loosed me, behold, I took the
+      compass, and it did work whither I desired it.  And it came to pass
+      that I prayed unto the Lord; and after I had prayed, the winds did
+      cease, and the storm did cease, and there was a great calm.
+
+Equipped with their compass, these ancients appear to have had the
+advantage of Noah.
+
+Their voyage was toward a "promised land"--the only name they give it.
+They reached it in safety.
+
+Polygamy is a recent feature in the Mormon religion, and was added by
+Brigham Young after Joseph Smith's death.  Before that, it was regarded
+as an "abomination."  This verse from the Mormon Bible occurs in Chapter
+II. of the book of Jacob:
+
+      For behold, thus saith the Lord, this people begin to wax in
+      iniquity; they understand not the Scriptures; for they seek to
+      excuse themselves in committing whoredoms, because of the things
+      which were written concerning David, and Solomon his son.  Behold,
+      David and Solomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing
+      was abominable before me, saith the Lord; wherefore, thus saith the
+      Lord, I have led this people forth out of the land of Jerusalem, by
+      the power of mine arm, that I might raise up unto me a righteous
+      branch from the fruit of the loins of Joseph.  Wherefore, I the Lord
+      God, will no suffer that this people shall do like unto them of old.
+
+However, the project failed--or at least the modern Mormon end of it--for
+Brigham "suffers" it.  This verse is from the same chapter:
+
+      Behold, the Lamanites your brethren, whom ye hate, because of their
+      filthiness and the cursings which hath come upon their skins, are
+      more righteous than you; for they have not forgotten the commandment
+      of the Lord, which was given unto our fathers, that they should
+      have, save it were one wife; and concubines they should have none.
+
+The following verse (from Chapter IX. of the Book of Nephi) appears to
+contain information not familiar to everybody:
+
+      And now it came to pass that when Jesus had ascended into heaven,
+      the multitude did disperse, and every man did take his wife and his
+      children, and did return to his own home.
+
+      And it came to pass that on the morrow, when the multitude was
+      gathered together, behold, Nephi and his brother whom he had raised
+      from the dead, whose name was Timothy, and also his son, whose name
+      was Jonas, and also Mathoni, and Mathonihah, his brother, and Kumen,
+      and Kumenenhi, and Jeremiah, and Shemnon, and Jonas, and Zedekiah,
+      and Isaiah; now these were the names of the disciples whom Jesus had
+      chosen.
+
+In order that the reader may observe how much more grandeur and
+picturesqueness (as seen by these Mormon twelve) accompanied on of the
+tenderest episodes in the life of our Saviour than other eyes seem to
+have been aware of, I quote the following from the same "book"--Nephi:
+
+      And it came to pass that Jesus spake unto them, and bade them arise.
+      And they arose from the earth, and He said unto them, Blessed are ye
+      because of your faith.  And now behold, My joy is full.  And when He
+      had said these words, He wept, and the multitude bear record of it,
+      and He took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and
+      prayed unto the Father for them.  And when He had done this He wept
+      again, and He spake unto the multitude, and saith unto them, Behold
+      your little ones.  And as they looked to behold, they cast their
+      eyes toward heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw
+      angels descending out of heaven as it were, in the midst of fire;
+      and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they
+      were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto
+      them, and the multitude did see and hear and bear record; and they
+      know that their record is true, for they all of them did see and
+      hear, every man for himself; and they were in number about two
+      thousand and five hundred souls; and they did consist of men, women,
+      and children.
+
+And what else would they be likely to consist of?
+
+The Book of Ether is an incomprehensible medley of if "history," much of
+it relating to battles and sieges among peoples whom the reader has
+possibly never heard of; and who inhabited a country which is not set
+down in the geography.  These was a King with the remarkable name of
+Coriantumr,^^ and he warred with Shared, and Lib, and Shiz, and others,
+in the "plains of Heshlon"; and the "valley of Gilgal"; and the
+"wilderness of Akish"; and the "land of Moran"; and the "plains of
+Agosh"; and "Ogath," and "Ramah," and the "land of Corihor," and the
+"hill Comnor," by "the waters of Ripliancum," etc., etc., etc.  "And it
+came to pass," after a deal of fighting, that Coriantumr, upon making
+calculation of his losses, found that "there had been slain two millions
+of mighty men, and also their wives and their children"--say 5,000,000 or
+6,000,000 in all--"and he began to sorrow in his heart."  Unquestionably
+it was time.  So he wrote to Shiz, asking a cessation of hostilities, and
+offering to give up his kingdom to save his people.  Shiz declined,
+except upon condition that Coriantumr would come and let him cut his head
+off first--a thing which Coriantumr would not do.  Then there was more
+fighting for a season; then four years were devoted to gathering the
+forces for a final struggle--after which ensued a battle, which, I take
+it, is the most remarkable set forth in history,--except, perhaps, that
+of the Kilkenny cats, which it resembles in some respects.  This is the
+account of the gathering and the battle:
+
+      7.  And it came to pass that they did gather together all the
+      people, upon all the face of the land, who had not been slain, save
+      it was Ether.  And it came to pass that Ether did behold all the
+      doings of the people; and he beheld that the people who were for
+      Coriantumr, were gathered together to the army of Coriantumr; and
+      the people who were for Shiz, were gathered together to the army of
+      Shiz; wherefore they were for the space of four years gathering
+      together the people, that they might get all who were upon the face
+      of the land, and that they might receive all the strength which it
+      was possible that they could receive.  And it came to pass that when
+      they were all gathered together, every one to the army which he
+      would, with their wives and their children; both men, women, and
+      children being armed with weapons of war, having shields, and
+      breast-plates, and head-plates, and being clothed after the manner
+      of war, they did march forth one against another, to battle; and
+      they fought all that day, and conquered not.  And it came to pass
+      that when it was night they were weary, and retired to their camps;
+      and after they had retired to their camps, they took up a howling
+      and a lamentation for the loss of the slain of their people; and so
+      great were their cries, their howlings and lamentations, that it did
+      rend the air exceedingly.  And it came to pass that on the morrow
+      they did go again to battle, and great and terrible was that day;
+      nevertheless they conquered not, and when the night came again, they
+      did rend the air with their cries, and their howlings, and their
+      mournings, for the loss of the slain of their people.
+
+      8.  And it came to pass that Coriantumr wrote again an epistle unto
+      Shiz, desiring that he would not come again to battle, but that he
+      would take the kingdom, and spare the lives of the people.  But
+      behold, the Spirit of the Lord had ceased striving with them, and
+      Satan had full power over the hearts of the people, for they were
+      given up unto the hardness of their hearts, and the blindness of
+      their minds that they might be destroyed; wherefore they went again
+      to battle.  And it came to pass that they fought all that day, and
+      when the night came they slept upon their swords; and on the morrow
+      they fought even until the night came; and when the night came they
+      were drunken with anger, even as a man who is drunken with wine; and
+      they slept again upon their swords; and on the morrow they fought
+      again; and when the night came they had all fallen by the sword save
+      it were fifty and two of the people of Coriantumr, and sixty and
+      nine of the people of Shiz.  And it came to pass that they slept
+      upon their swords that night, and on the morrow they fought again,
+      and they contended in their mights with their swords, and with their
+      shields, all that day; and when the night came there were thirty and
+      two of the people of Shiz, and twenty and seven of the people of
+      Coriantumr.
+
+      9.  And it came to pass that they ate and slept, and prepared for
+      death on the morrow.  And they were large and mighty men, as to the
+      strength of men.  And it came to pass that they fought for the space
+      of three hours, and they fainted with the loss of blood.  And it
+      came to pass that when the men of Coriantumr had received sufficient
+      strength, that they could walk, they were about to flee for their
+      lives, but behold, Shiz arose, and also his men, and he swore in his
+      wrath that he would slay Coriantumr, or he would perish by the
+      sword: wherefore he did pursue them, and on the morrow he did
+      overtake them; and they fought again with the sword.  And it came to
+      pass that when they had all fallen by the sword, save it were
+      Coriantumr and Shiz, behold Shiz had fainted with loss of blood.
+      And it came to pass that when Coriantumr had leaned upon his sword,
+      that he rested a little, he smote off the head of Shiz.  And it came
+      to pass that after he had smote off the head of Shiz, that Shiz
+      raised upon his hands and fell; and after that he had struggled for
+      breath, he died.  And it came to pass that Coriantumr fell to the
+      earth, and became as if he had no life.  And the Lord spake unto
+      Ether, and said unto him, go forth.  And he went forth, and beheld
+      that the words of the Lord had all been fulfilled; and he finished
+      his record; and the hundredth part I have not written.
+
+It seems a pity he did not finish, for after all his dreary former
+chapters of commonplace, he stopped just as he was in danger of becoming
+interesting.
+
+The Mormon Bible is rather stupid and tiresome to read, but there is
+nothing vicious in its teachings.  Its code of morals is unobjectionable
+--it is "smouched" [Milton] from the New Testament and no credit given.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+At the end of our two days' sojourn, we left Great Salt Lake City hearty
+and well fed and happy--physically superb but not so very much wiser, as
+regards the "Mormon question," than we were when we arrived, perhaps.
+We had a deal more "information" than we had before, of course, but we
+did not know what portion of it was reliable and what was not--for it all
+came from acquaintances of a day--strangers, strictly speaking.  We were
+told, for instance, that the dreadful "Mountain Meadows Massacre" was the
+work of the Indians entirely, and that the Gentiles had meanly tried to
+fasten it upon the Mormons; we were told, likewise, that the Indians were
+to blame, partly, and partly the Mormons; and we were told, likewise, and
+just as positively, that the Mormons were almost if not wholly and
+completely responsible for that most treacherous and pitiless butchery.
+We got the story in all these different shapes, but it was not till
+several years afterward that Mrs. Waite's book, "The Mormon Prophet,"
+came out with Judge Cradlebaugh's trial of the accused parties in it and
+revealed the truth that the latter version was the correct one and that
+the Mormons were the assassins.  All our "information" had three sides to
+it, and so I gave up the idea that I could settle the "Mormon question"
+in two days.  Still I have seen newspaper correspondents do it in one.
+
+I left Great Salt Lake a good deal confused as to what state of things
+existed there--and sometimes even questioning in my own mind whether a
+state of things existed there at all or not.  But presently I remembered
+with a lightening sense of relief that we had learned two or three
+trivial things there which we could be certain of; and so the two days
+were not wholly lost.  For instance, we had learned that we were at last
+in a pioneer land, in absolute and tangible reality.
+
+The high prices charged for trifles were eloquent of high freights and
+bewildering distances of freightage.  In the east, in those days, the
+smallest moneyed denomination was a penny and it represented the smallest
+purchasable quantity of any commodity.  West of Cincinnati the smallest
+coin in use was the silver five-cent piece and no smaller quantity of an
+article could be bought than "five cents' worth."  In Overland City the
+lowest coin appeared to be the ten-cent piece; but in Salt Lake there did
+not seem to be any money in circulation smaller than a quarter, or any
+smaller quantity purchasable of any commodity than twenty-five cents'
+worth.  We had always been used to half dimes and "five cents' worth" as
+the minimum of financial negotiations; but in Salt Lake if one wanted a
+cigar, it was a quarter; if he wanted a chalk pipe, it was a quarter; if
+he wanted a peach, or a candle, or a newspaper, or a shave, or a little
+Gentile whiskey to rub on his corns to arrest indigestion and keep him
+from having the toothache, twenty-five cents was the price, every time.
+When we looked at the shot-bag of silver, now and then, we seemed to be
+wasting our substance in riotous living, but if we referred to the
+expense account we could see that we had not been doing anything of the
+kind.
+
+But people easily get reconciled to big money and big prices, and fond
+and vain of both--it is a descent to little coins and cheap prices that
+is hardest to bear and slowest to take hold upon one's toleration.  After
+a month's acquaintance with the twenty-five cent minimum, the average
+human being is ready to blush every time he thinks of his despicable
+five-cent days.  How sunburnt with blushes I used to get in gaudy Nevada,
+every time I thought of my first financial experience in Salt Lake.
+It was on this wise (which is a favorite expression of great authors, and
+a very neat one, too, but I never hear anybody say on this wise when they
+are talking).  A young half-breed with a complexion like a yellow-jacket
+asked me if I would have my boots blacked.  It was at the Salt Lake House
+the morning after we arrived.  I said yes, and he blacked them.  Then I
+handed him a silver five-cent piece, with the benevolent air of a person
+who is conferring wealth and blessedness upon poverty and suffering.  The
+yellow-jacket took it with what I judged to be suppressed emotion, and
+laid it reverently down in the middle of his broad hand.  Then he began
+to contemplate it, much as a philosopher contemplates a gnat's ear in the
+ample field of his microscope.  Several mountaineers, teamsters,
+stage-drivers, etc., drew near and dropped into the tableau and fell to
+surveying the money with that attractive indifference to formality which
+is noticeable in the hardy pioneer.  Presently the yellow-jacket handed
+the half dime back to me and told me I ought to keep my money in my
+pocket-book instead of in my soul, and then I wouldn't get it cramped and
+shriveled up so!
+
+What a roar of vulgar laughter there was!  I destroyed the mongrel
+reptile on the spot, but I smiled and smiled all the time I was detaching
+his scalp, for the remark he made was good for an "Injun."
+
+Yes, we had learned in Salt Lake to be charged great prices without
+letting the inward shudder appear on the surface--for even already we had
+overheard and noted the tenor of conversations among drivers, conductors,
+and hostlers, and finally among citizens of Salt Lake, until we were well
+aware that these superior beings despised "emigrants."  We permitted no
+tell-tale shudders and winces in our countenances, for we wanted to seem
+pioneers, or Mormons, half-breeds, teamsters, stage-drivers, Mountain
+Meadow assassins--anything in the world that the plains and Utah
+respected and admired--but we were wretchedly ashamed of being
+"emigrants," and sorry enough that we had white shirts and could not
+swear in the presence of ladies without looking the other way.
+
+And many a time in Nevada, afterwards, we had occasion to remember with
+humiliation that we were "emigrants," and consequently a low and inferior
+sort of creatures.  Perhaps the reader has visited Utah, Nevada, or
+California, even in these latter days, and while communing with himself
+upon the sorrowful banishment of these countries from what he considers
+"the world," has had his wings clipped by finding that he is the one to
+be pitied, and that there are entire populations around him ready and
+willing to do it for him--yea, who are complacently doing it for him
+already, wherever he steps his foot.
+
+Poor thing, they are making fun of his hat; and the cut of his New York
+coat; and his conscientiousness about his grammar; and his feeble
+profanity; and his consumingly ludicrous ignorance of ores, shafts,
+tunnels, and other things which he never saw before, and never felt
+enough interest in to read about.  And all the time that he is thinking
+what a sad fate it is to be exiled to that far country, that lonely land,
+the citizens around him are looking down on him with a blighting
+compassion because he is an "emigrant" instead of that proudest and
+blessedest creature that exists on all the earth, a "FORTY-NINER."
+
+The accustomed coach life began again, now, and by midnight it almost
+seemed as if we never had been out of our snuggery among the mail sacks
+at all.  We had made one alteration, however.  We had provided enough
+bread, boiled ham and hard boiled eggs to last double the six hundred
+miles of staging we had still to do.
+
+And it was comfort in those succeeding days to sit up and contemplate the
+majestic panorama of mountains and valleys spread out below us and eat
+ham and hard boiled eggs while our spiritual natures revelled alternately
+in rainbows, thunderstorms, and peerless sunsets.  Nothing helps scenery
+like ham and eggs.  Ham and eggs, and after these a pipe--an old, rank,
+delicious pipe--ham and eggs and scenery, a "down grade," a flying coach,
+a fragrant pipe and a contented heart--these make happiness.  It is what
+all the ages have struggled for.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+At eight in the morning we reached the remnant and ruin of what had been
+the important military station of "Camp Floyd," some forty-five or fifty
+miles from Salt Lake City.  At four P.M.  we had doubled our distance and
+were ninety or a hundred miles from Salt Lake.  And now we entered upon
+one of that species of deserts whose concentrated hideousness shames the
+diffused and diluted horrors of Sahara--an "alkali" desert.  For
+sixty-eight miles there was but one break in it.  I do not remember that
+this was really a break; indeed it seems to me that it was nothing but a
+watering depot in the midst of the stretch of sixty-eight miles.  If my
+memory serves me, there was no well or spring at this place, but the
+water was hauled there by mule and ox teams from the further side of the
+desert.  There was a stage station there.  It was forty-five miles from
+the beginning of the desert, and twenty-three from the end of it.
+
+We plowed and dragged and groped along, the whole live-long night,
+and at the end of this uncomfortable twelve hours we finished the
+forty-five-mile part of the desert and got to the stage station where the
+imported water was.  The sun was just rising.  It was easy enough to
+cross a desert in the night while we were asleep; and it was pleasant to
+reflect, in the morning, that we in actual person had encountered an
+absolute desert and could always speak knowingly of deserts in presence
+of the ignorant thenceforward.  And it was pleasant also to reflect that
+this was not an obscure, back country desert, but a very celebrated one,
+the metropolis itself, as you may say.  All this was very well and very
+comfortable and satisfactory--but now we were to cross a desert in
+daylight.  This was fine--novel--romantic--dramatically adventurous
+--this, indeed, was worth living for, worth traveling for!  We would
+write home all about it.
+
+This enthusiasm, this stern thirst for adventure, wilted under the sultry
+August sun and did not last above one hour.  One poor little hour--and
+then we were ashamed that we had "gushed" so.  The poetry was all in the
+anticipation--there is none in the reality.  Imagine a vast, waveless
+ocean stricken dead and turned to ashes; imagine this solemn waste tufted
+with ash-dusted sage-bushes; imagine the lifeless silence and solitude
+that belong to such a place; imagine a coach, creeping like a bug through
+the midst of this shoreless level, and sending up tumbled volumes of dust
+as if it were a bug that went by steam; imagine this aching monotony of
+toiling and plowing kept up hour after hour, and the shore still as far
+away as ever, apparently; imagine team, driver, coach and passengers so
+deeply coated with ashes that they are all one colorless color; imagine
+ash-drifts roosting above moustaches and eyebrows like snow accumulations
+on boughs and bushes.  This is the reality of it.
+
+The sun beats down with dead, blistering, relentless malignity; the
+perspiration is welling from every pore in man and beast, but scarcely a
+sign of it finds its way to the surface--it is absorbed before it gets
+there; there is not the faintest breath of air stirring; there is not a
+merciful shred of cloud in all the brilliant firmament; there is not a
+living creature visible in any direction whither one searches the blank
+level that stretches its monotonous miles on every hand; there is not a
+sound--not a sigh--not a whisper--not a buzz, or a whir of wings, or
+distant pipe of bird--not even a sob from the lost souls that doubtless
+people that dead air.  And so the occasional sneezing of the resting
+mules, and the champing of the bits, grate harshly on the grim stillness,
+not dissipating the spell but accenting it and making one feel more
+lonesome and forsaken than before.
+
+The mules, under violent swearing, coaxing and whip-cracking, would make
+at stated intervals a "spurt," and drag the coach a hundred or may be two
+hundred yards, stirring up a billowy cloud of dust that rolled back,
+enveloping the vehicle to the wheel-tops or higher, and making it seem
+afloat in a fog.  Then a rest followed, with the usual sneezing and
+bit-champing.  Then another "spurt" of a hundred yards and another rest at
+the end of it.  All day long we kept this up, without water for the mules
+and without ever changing the team.  At least we kept it up ten hours,
+which, I take it, is a day, and a pretty honest one, in an alkali desert.
+It was from four in the morning till two in the afternoon.  And it was so
+hot! and so close! and our water canteens went dry in the middle of the
+day and we got so thirsty!  It was so stupid and tiresome and dull! and
+the tedious hours did lag and drag and limp along with such a cruel
+deliberation!  It was so trying to give one's watch a good long
+undisturbed spell and then take it out and find that it had been fooling
+away the time and not trying to get ahead any!  The alkali dust cut
+through our lips, it persecuted our eyes, it ate through the delicate
+membranes and made our noses bleed and kept them bleeding--and truly and
+seriously the romance all faded far away and disappeared, and left the
+desert trip nothing but a harsh reality--a thirsty, sweltering, longing,
+hateful reality!
+
+Two miles and a quarter an hour for ten hours--that was what we
+accomplished.  It was hard to bring the comprehension away down to such a
+snail-pace as that, when we had been used to making eight and ten miles
+an hour.  When we reached the station on the farther verge of the desert,
+we were glad, for the first time, that the dictionary was along, because
+we never could have found language to tell how glad we were, in any sort
+of dictionary but an unabridged one with pictures in it.  But there could
+not have been found in a whole library of dictionaries language
+sufficient to tell how tired those mules were after their twenty-three
+mile pull.  To try to give the reader an idea of how thirsty they were,
+would be to "gild refined gold or paint the lily."
+
+Somehow, now that it is there, the quotation does not seem to fit--but no
+matter, let it stay, anyhow.  I think it is a graceful and attractive
+thing, and therefore have tried time and time again to work it in where
+it would fit, but could not succeed.  These efforts have kept my mind
+distracted and ill at ease, and made my narrative seem broken and
+disjointed, in places.  Under these circumstances it seems to me best to
+leave it in, as above, since this will afford at least a temporary
+respite from the wear and tear of trying to "lead up" to this really apt
+and beautiful quotation.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+On the morning of the sixteenth day out from St. Joseph we arrived at the
+entrance of Rocky Canyon, two hundred and fifty miles from Salt Lake.
+It was along in this wild country somewhere, and far from any habitation
+of white men, except the stage stations, that we came across the
+wretchedest type of mankind I have ever seen, up to this writing.  I
+refer to the Goshoot Indians.  From what we could see and all we could
+learn, they are very considerably inferior to even the despised Digger
+Indians of California; inferior to all races of savages on our continent;
+inferior to even the Terra del Fuegans; inferior to the Hottentots, and
+actually inferior in some respects to the Kytches of Africa.  Indeed, I
+have been obliged to look the bulky volumes of Wood's "Uncivilized Races
+of Men" clear through in order to find a savage tribe degraded enough to
+take rank with the Goshoots.  I find but one people fairly open to that
+shameful verdict.  It is the Bosjesmans (Bushmen) of South Africa.  Such
+of the Goshoots as we saw, along the road and hanging about the stations,
+were small, lean, "scrawny" creatures; in complexion a dull black like
+the ordinary American negro; their faces and hands bearing dirt which
+they had been hoarding and accumulating for months, years, and even
+generations, according to the age of the proprietor; a silent, sneaking,
+treacherous looking race; taking note of everything, covertly, like all
+the other "Noble Red Men" that we (do not) read about, and betraying no
+sign in their countenances; indolent, everlastingly patient and tireless,
+like all other Indians; prideless beggars--for if the beggar instinct
+were left out of an Indian he would not "go," any more than a clock
+without a pendulum; hungry, always hungry, and yet never refusing
+anything that a hog would eat, though often eating what a hog would
+decline; hunters, but having no higher ambition than to kill and eat
+jack-ass rabbits,  crickets and grasshoppers, and embezzle carrion from
+the buzzards and cayotes; savages who, when asked if they have the common
+Indian belief in a Great Spirit show a something which almost amounts to
+emotion, thinking whiskey is referred to; a thin, scattering race of
+almost naked black children, these Goshoots are, who produce nothing at
+all, and have no villages, and no gatherings together into strictly
+defined tribal communities--a people whose only shelter is a rag cast on
+a bush to keep off a portion of the snow, and yet who inhabit one of the
+most rocky, wintry, repulsive wastes that our country or any other can
+exhibit.
+
+The Bushmen and our Goshoots are manifestly descended from the self-same
+gorilla, or kangaroo, or Norway rat, which-ever animal--Adam the
+Darwinians trace them to.
+
+One would as soon expect the rabbits to fight as the Goshoots, and yet
+they used to live off the offal and refuse of the stations a few months
+and then come some dark night when no mischief was expected, and burn
+down the buildings and kill the men from ambush as they rushed out.
+And once, in the night, they attacked the stage-coach when a District
+Judge, of Nevada Territory, was the only passenger, and with their first
+volley of arrows (and a bullet or two) they riddled the stage curtains,
+wounded a horse or two and mortally wounded the driver.  The latter was
+full of pluck, and so was his passenger.  At the driver's call Judge Mott
+swung himself out, clambered to the box and seized the reins of the team,
+and away they plunged, through the racing mob of skeletons and under a
+hurtling storm of missiles.  The stricken driver had sunk down on the
+boot as soon as he was wounded, but had held on to the reins and said he
+would manage to keep hold of them until relieved.
+
+And after they were taken from his relaxing grasp, he lay with his head
+between Judge Mott's feet, and tranquilly gave directions about the road;
+he said he believed he could live till the miscreants were outrun and
+left behind, and that if he managed that, the main difficulty would be at
+an end, and then if the Judge drove so and so (giving directions about
+bad places in the road, and general course) he would reach the next
+station without trouble.  The Judge distanced the enemy and at last
+rattled up to the station and knew that the night's perils were done; but
+there was no comrade-in-arms for him to rejoice with, for the soldierly
+driver was dead.
+
+Let us forget that we have been saying harsh things about the Overland
+drivers, now.  The disgust which the Goshoots gave me, a disciple of
+Cooper and a worshipper of the Red Man--even of the scholarly savages in
+the "Last of the Mohicans" who are fittingly associated with backwoodsmen
+who divide each sentence into two equal parts: one part critically
+grammatical, refined and choice of language, and the other part just such
+an attempt to talk like a hunter or a mountaineer, as a Broadway clerk
+might make after eating an edition of Emerson Bennett's works and
+studying frontier life at the Bowery Theatre a couple of weeks--I say
+that the nausea which the Goshoots gave me, an Indian worshipper, set me
+to examining authorities, to see if perchance I had been over-estimating
+the Red Man while viewing him through the mellow moonshine of romance.
+The revelations that came were disenchanting.  It was curious to see how
+quickly the paint and tinsel fell away from him and left him treacherous,
+filthy and repulsive--and how quickly the evidences accumulated that
+wherever one finds an Indian tribe he has only found Goshoots more or
+less modified by circumstances and surroundings--but Goshoots, after all.
+They deserve pity, poor creatures; and they can have mine--at this
+distance.  Nearer by, they never get anybody's.
+
+There is an impression abroad that the Baltimore and Washington Railroad
+Company and many of its employees are Goshoots; but it is an error.
+There is only a plausible resemblance, which, while it is apt enough to
+mislead the ignorant, cannot deceive parties who have contemplated both
+tribes.  But seriously, it was not only poor wit, but very wrong to start
+the report referred to above; for however innocent the motive may have
+been, the necessary effect was to injure the reputation of a class who
+have a hard enough time of it in the pitiless deserts of the Rocky
+Mountains, Heaven knows!  If we cannot find it in our hearts to give
+those poor naked creatures our Christian sympathy and compassion, in
+God's name let us at least not throw mud at them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+On the seventeenth day we passed the highest mountain peaks we had yet
+seen, and although the day was very warm the night that followed upon its
+heels was wintry cold and blankets were next to useless.
+
+On the eighteenth day we encountered the eastward-bound
+telegraph-constructors at Reese River station and sent a message to his
+Excellency Gov. Nye at Carson City (distant one hundred and fifty-six
+miles).
+
+On the nineteenth day we crossed the Great American Desert--forty
+memorable miles of bottomless sand, into which the coach wheels sunk from
+six inches to a foot.  We worked our passage most of the way across.
+That is to say, we got out and walked.  It was a dreary pull and a long
+and thirsty one, for we had no water.  From one extremity of this desert
+to the other, the road was white with the bones of oxen and horses.
+It would hardly be an exaggeration to say that we could have walked the
+forty miles and set our feet on a bone at every step!  The desert was one
+prodigious graveyard.  And the log-chains, wagon tyres, and rotting
+wrecks of vehicles were almost as thick as the bones.  I think we saw
+log-chains enough rusting there in the desert, to reach across any State
+in the Union.  Do not these relics suggest something of an idea of the
+fearful suffering and privation the early emigrants to California
+endured?
+
+At the border of the Desert lies Carson Lake, or The "Sink" of the
+Carson, a shallow, melancholy sheet of water some eighty or a hundred
+miles in circumference.  Carson River empties into it and is lost--sinks
+mysteriously into the earth and never appears in the light of the sun
+again--for the lake has no outlet whatever.
+
+There are several rivers in Nevada, and they all have this mysterious
+fate.  They end in various lakes or "sinks," and that is the last of
+them.  Carson Lake, Humboldt Lake, Walker Lake, Mono Lake, are all great
+sheets of water without any visible outlet.  Water is always flowing into
+them; none is ever seen to flow out of them, and yet they remain always
+level full, neither receding nor overflowing.  What they do with their
+surplus is only known to the Creator.
+
+On the western verge of the Desert we halted a moment at Ragtown.  It
+consisted of one log house and is not set down on the map.
+
+This reminds me of a circumstance.  Just after we left Julesburg, on the
+Platte, I was sitting with the driver, and he said:
+
+"I can tell you a most laughable thing indeed, if you would like to
+listen to it.  Horace Greeley went over this road once.  When he was
+leaving Carson City he told the driver, Hank Monk, that he had an
+engagement to lecture at Placerville and was very anxious to go through
+quick.  Hank Monk cracked his whip and started off at an awful pace.
+The coach bounced up and down in such a terrific way that it jolted the
+buttons all off of Horace's coat, and finally shot his head clean through
+the roof of the stage, and then he yelled at Hank Monk and begged him to
+go easier--said he warn't in as much of a hurry as he was awhile ago.
+But Hank Monk said, 'Keep your seat, Horace, and I'll get you there on
+time'--and you bet you he did, too, what was left of him!"
+
+A day or two after that we picked up a Denver man at the cross roads, and
+he told us a good deal about the country and the Gregory Diggings.
+He seemed a very entertaining person and a man well posted in the affairs
+of Colorado.  By and by he remarked:
+
+"I can tell you a most laughable thing indeed, if you would like to
+listen to it.  Horace Greeley went over this road once.  When he was
+leaving Carson City he told the driver, Hank Monk, that he had an
+engagement to lecture at Placerville and was very anxious to go through
+quick.  Hank Monk cracked his whip and started off at an awful pace.  The
+coach bounced up and down in such a terrific way that it jolted the
+buttons all off of Horace's coat, and finally shot his head clean through
+the roof of the stage, and then he yelled at Hank Monk and begged him to
+go easier--said he warn't in as much of a hurry as he was awhile ago.
+But Hank Monk said, 'Keep your seat, Horace, and I'll get you there on
+time!'--and you bet you he did, too, what was left of him!"
+
+At Fort Bridger, some days after this, we took on board a cavalry
+sergeant, a very proper and soldierly person indeed.  From no other man
+during the whole journey, did we gather such a store of concise and
+well-arranged military information.  It was surprising to find in the
+desolate wilds of our country a man so thoroughly acquainted with
+everything useful to know in his line of life, and yet of such inferior
+rank and unpretentious bearing.  For as much as three hours we listened
+to him with unabated interest.  Finally he got upon the subject of
+trans-continental travel, and presently said:
+
+"I can tell you a very laughable thing indeed, if you would like to
+listen to it.  Horace Greeley went over this road once.  When he was
+leaving Carson City he told the driver, Hank Monk, that he had an
+engagement to lecture at Placerville and was very anxious to go through
+quick.  Hank Monk cracked his whip and started off at an awful pace.  The
+coach bounced up and down in such a terrific way that it jolted the
+buttons all off of Horace's coat, and finally shot his head clean through
+the roof of the stage, and then he yelled at Hank Monk and begged him to
+go easier--said he warn't in as much of a hurry as he was awhile ago.
+But Hank Monk said, 'Keep your seat, Horace, and I'll get you there on
+time!'--and you bet you he did, too, what was left of him!"
+
+When we were eight hours out from Salt Lake City a Mormon preacher got in
+with us at a way station--a gentle, soft-spoken, kindly man, and one whom
+any stranger would warm to at first sight.  I can never forget the pathos
+that was in his voice as he told, in simple language, the story of his
+people's wanderings and unpitied sufferings.  No pulpit eloquence was
+ever so moving and so beautiful as this outcast's picture of the first
+Mormon pilgrimage across the plains, struggling sorrowfully onward to the
+land of its banishment and marking its desolate way with graves and
+watering it with tears.  His words so wrought upon us that it was a
+relief to us all when the conversation drifted into a more cheerful
+channel and the natural features of the curious country we were in came
+under treatment.  One matter after another was pleasantly discussed, and
+at length the stranger said:
+
+"I can tell you a most laughable thing indeed, if you would like to
+listen to it.  Horace Greeley went over this road once.  When he was
+leaving Carson City he told the driver, Hank Monk, that he had an
+engagement to lecture in Placerville, and was very anxious to go through
+quick.  Hank Monk cracked his whip and started off at an awful pace.  The
+coach bounced up and down in such a terrific way that it jolted the
+buttons all off of Horace's coat, and finally shot his head clean through
+the roof of the stage, and then he yelled at Hank Monk and begged him to
+go easier--said he warn't in as much of a hurry as he was awhile ago.
+But Hank Monk said, 'Keep your seat, Horace, and I'll get you there on
+time!'--and you bet you bet you he did, too, what was left of him!"
+
+Ten miles out of Ragtown we found a poor wanderer who had lain down to
+die.  He had walked as long as he could, but his limbs had failed him at
+last.  Hunger and fatigue had conquered him.  It would have been inhuman
+to leave him there.  We paid his fare to Carson and lifted him into the
+coach.  It was some little time before he showed any very decided signs
+of life; but by dint of chafing him and pouring brandy between his lips
+we finally brought him to a languid consciousness.  Then we fed him a
+little, and by and by he seemed to comprehend the situation and a
+grateful light softened his eye.  We made his mail-sack bed as
+comfortable as possible, and constructed a pillow for him with our coats.
+He seemed very thankful.  Then he looked up in our faces, and said in a
+feeble voice that had a tremble of honest emotion in it:
+
+"Gentlemen, I know not who you are, but you have saved my life; and
+although I can never be able to repay you for it, I feel that I can at
+least make one hour of your long journey lighter.  I take it you are
+strangers to this great thorough fare, but I am entirely familiar with
+it.  In this connection I can tell you a most laughable thing indeed, if
+you would like to listen to it.  Horace Greeley----"
+
+I said, impressively:
+
+"Suffering stranger, proceed at your peril.  You see in me the melancholy
+wreck of a once stalwart and magnificent manhood.  What has brought me to
+this?  That thing which you are about to tell.  Gradually but surely,
+that tiresome old anecdote has sapped my strength, undermined my
+constitution, withered my life.  Pity my helplessness.  Spare me only
+just this once, and tell me about young George Washington and his little
+hatchet for a change."
+
+We were saved.  But not so the invalid.  In trying to retain the anecdote
+in his system he strained himself and died in our arms.
+
+I am aware, now, that I ought not to have asked of the sturdiest citizen
+of all that region, what I asked of that mere shadow of a man; for, after
+seven years' residence on the Pacific coast, I know that no passenger or
+driver on the Overland ever corked that anecdote in, when a stranger was
+by, and survived.  Within a period of six years I crossed and recrossed
+the Sierras between Nevada and California thirteen times by stage and
+listened to that deathless incident four hundred and eighty-one or
+eighty-two times.  I have the list somewhere.  Drivers always told it,
+conductors told it, landlords told it, chance passengers told it, the
+very Chinamen and vagrant Indians recounted it.  I have had the same
+driver tell it to me two or three times in the same afternoon.  It has
+come to me in all the multitude of tongues that Babel bequeathed to
+earth, and flavored with whiskey, brandy, beer, cologne, sozodont,
+tobacco, garlic, onions, grasshoppers--everything that has a fragrance to
+it through all the long list of things that are gorged or guzzled by the
+sons of men.  I never have smelt any anecdote as often as I have smelt
+that one; never have smelt any anecdote that smelt so variegated as that
+one.  And you never could learn to know it by its smell, because every
+time you thought you had learned the smell of it, it would turn up with a
+different smell.  Bayard Taylor has written about this hoary anecdote,
+Richardson has published it; so have Jones, Smith, Johnson, Ross Browne,
+and every other correspondence-inditing being that ever set his foot upon
+the great overland road anywhere between Julesburg and San Francisco; and
+I have heard that it is in the Talmud.  I have seen it in print in nine
+different foreign languages; I have been told that it is employed in the
+inquisition in Rome; and I now learn with regret that it is going to be
+set to music.  I do not think that such things are right.
+
+Stage-coaching on the Overland is no more, and stage drivers are a race
+defunct.  I wonder if they bequeathed that bald-headed anecdote to their
+successors, the railroad brakemen and conductors, and if these latter
+still persecute the helpless passenger with it until he concludes, as did
+many a tourist of other days, that the real grandeurs of the Pacific
+coast are not Yo Semite and the Big Trees, but Hank Monk and his
+adventure with Horace Greeley.  [And what makes that worn anecdote the
+more aggravating, is, that the adventure it celebrates never occurred.
+If it were a good anecdote, that seeming demerit would be its chiefest
+virtue, for creative power belongs to greatness; but what ought to be
+done to a man who would wantonly contrive so flat a one as this?  If I
+were to suggest what ought to be done to him, I should be called
+extravagant--but what does the sixteenth chapter of Daniel say?  Aha!]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Roughing It, Part 2.
+by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
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