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+Project Gutenberg's Roughing It, Part 1., by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Roughing It, Part 1.
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: July 2, 2004 [EBook #8582]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUGHING IT, PART 1. ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+ ROUGHING IT
+
+ by Mark Twain
+
+ 1880
+
+ Part 1.
+
+ TO
+ CALVIN H. HIGBIE,
+ Of California,
+ an Honest Man, a Genial Comrade, and a Steadfast Friend.
+ THIS BOOK IS INSCRIBED
+ By the Author,
+ In Memory of the Curious Time
+ When We Two
+ WERE MILLIONAIRES FOR TEN DAYS.
+
+
+
+
+ ROUGHING IT
+
+ BY
+ MARK TWAIN.
+ (SAMUEL L. CLEMENS.)
+
+
+
+ PREFATORY.
+
+This book is merely a personal narrative, and not a pretentious history
+or a philosophical dissertation. It is a record of several years of
+variegated vagabondizing, and its object is rather to help the resting
+reader while away an idle hour than afflict him with metaphysics, or goad
+him with science. Still, there is information in the volume; information
+concerning an interesting episode in the history of the Far West, about
+which no books have been written by persons who were on the ground in
+person, and saw the happenings of the time with their own eyes. I allude
+to the rise, growth and culmination of the silver-mining fever in Nevada
+-a curious episode, in some respects; the only one, of its peculiar kind,
+that has occurred in the land; and the only one, indeed, that is likely
+to occur in it.
+
+Yes, take it all around, there is quite a good deal of information in the
+book. I regret this very much; but really it could not be helped:
+information appears to stew out of me naturally, like the precious ottar
+of roses out of the otter. Sometimes it has seemed to me that I would
+give worlds if I could retain my facts; but it cannot be. The more I calk
+up the sources, and the tighter I get, the more I leak wisdom. Therefore,
+I can only claim indulgence at the hands of the reader, not
+justification.
+
+THE AUTHOR.
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+CHAPTER I.
+My Brother appointed Secretary of Nevada--I Envy His Prospective
+Adventures--Am Appointed Private Secretary Under Him--My Contentment
+Complete--Packed in One Hour--Dreams and Visions--On the Missouri River
+--A Bully Boat
+
+CHAPTER II.
+Arrive at St. Joseph--Only Twenty-five Pounds Baggage Allowed--Farewell
+to Kid Gloves and Dress Coats--Armed to the Teeth--The "Allen"--A
+Cheerful Weapon--Persuaded to Buy a Mule--Schedule of Luxuries--We Leave
+the "States"--"Our Coach"--Mails for the Indians--Between a Wink and an
+Earthquake--A Modern Sphynx and How She Entertained Us--A Sociable Heifer
+
+CHAPTER III.
+"The Thoroughbrace is Broke"--Mails Delivered Properly--Sleeping Under
+Difficulties--A Jackass Rabbit Meditating, and on Business--A Modern
+Gulliver--Sage-brush--Overcoats as an Article of Diet--Sad Fate of a
+Camel--Warning to Experimenters
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+Making Our Bed--Assaults by the Unabridged--At a Station--Our Driver a
+Great and Shining Dignitary--Strange Place for a Frontyard
+--Accommodations--Double Portraits--An Heirloom--Our Worthy Landlord
+--"Fixings and Things"--An Exile--Slumgullion--A Well Furnished Table--The
+Landlord Astonished--Table Etiquette--Wild Mexican Mules--Stage-coaching
+and Railroading
+
+CHAPTER V.
+New Acquaintances--The Cayote--A Dog's Experiences--A Disgusted Dog--The
+Relatives of the Cayote--Meals Taken Away from Home
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+The Division Superintendent--The Conductor--The Driver--One Hundred and
+Fifty Miles' Drive Without Sleep--Teaching a Subordinate--Our Old Friend
+Jack and a Pilgrim--Ben Holliday Compared to Moses
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+Overland City--Crossing the Platte--Bemis's Buffalo Hunt--Assault by a
+Buffalo--Bemis's Horse Goes Crazy--An Impromptu Circus--A New Departure
+--Bemis Finds Refuge in a Tree--Escapes Finally by a Wonderful Method
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+The Pony Express--Fifty Miles Without Stopping--"Here he Comes"--Alkali
+Water--Riding an Avalanche--Indian Massacre
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+Among the Indians--An Unfair Advantage--Laying on our Arms--A Midnight
+Murder--Wrath of Outlaws--A Dangerous, yet Valuable Citizen
+
+CHAPTER X.
+History of Slade--A Proposed Fist-fight--Encounter with Jules--Paradise
+of Outlaws--Slade as Superintendent--As Executioner--A Doomed Whisky
+Seller--A Prisoner--A Wife's Bravery--An Ancient Enemy Captured--Enjoying
+a Luxury--Hob-nobbing with Slade--Too Polite--A Happy Escape
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+Slade in Montana--"On a Spree"--In Court--Attack on a Judge--Arrest by
+the Vigilantes--Turn out of the Miners--Execution of Slade--Lamentations
+of His Wife--Was Slade a Coward?
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+A Mormon Emigrant Train--The Heart of the Rocky Mountains--Pure
+Saleratus--A Natural Ice-House--An Entire Inhabitant--In Sight of
+"Eternal Snow"--The South Pass--The Parting Streams--An Unreliable Letter
+Carrier--Meeting of Old Friends--A Spoiled Watermelon--Down the
+Mountain--A Scene of Desolation--Lost in the Dark--Unnecessary Advice
+--U.S. Troops and Indians--Sublime Spectacle--Another Delusion Dispelled
+--Among the Angels
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+Mormons and Gentiles--Exhilarating Drink, and its Effect on Bemis--Salt
+Lake City--A Great Contrast--A Mormon Vagrant--Talk with a Saint--A Visit
+to the "King"--A Happy Simile
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+Mormon Contractors--How Mr. Street Astonished Them--The Case Before
+Brigham Young, and How he Disposed of it--Polygamy Viewed from a New
+Position
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+A Gentile Den--Polygamy Discussed--Favorite Wife and D. 4--Hennery for
+Retired Wives--Children Need Marking--Cost of a Gift to No. 6
+--A Penny-whistle Gift and its Effects--Fathering the Foundlings
+--It Resembled Him--The Family Bedstead
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+The Mormon Bible--Proofs of its Divinity--Plagiarism of its Authors
+--Story of Nephi--Wonderful Battle--Kilkenny Cats Outdone
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+Three Sides to all Questions--Everything "A Quarter"--Shriveled Up
+--Emigrants and White Shirts at a Discount--"Forty-Niners"--Above Par--Real
+Happiness
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+Alkali Desert--Romance of Crossing Dispelled--Alkali Dust--Effect on the
+Mules--Universal Thanksgiving
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+The Digger Indians Compared with the Bushmen of Africa--Food, Life and
+Characteristics--Cowardly Attack on a Stage Coach--A Brave Driver--The
+Noble Red Man
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+The Great American Desert--Forty Miles on Bones--Lakes Without Outlets
+--Greely's Remarkable Ride--Hank Monk, the Renowned Driver--Fatal Effects
+of "Corking" a Story--Bald-Headed Anecdote
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+Alkali Dust--Desolation and Contemplation--Carson City--Our Journey
+Ended--We are Introduced to Several Citizens--A Strange Rebuke--A Washoe
+Zephyr at Play--Its Office Hours--Governor's Palace--Government Offices
+--Our French Landlady Bridget O'Flannigan--Shadow Secrets--Cause for a
+Disturbance at Once--The Irish Brigade--Mrs. O'Flannigan's Boarders--The
+Surveying Expedition--Escape of the Tarantulas
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+The Son of a Nabob--Start for Lake Tahoe--Splendor of the Views--Trip on
+the Lake--Camping Out--Reinvigorating Climate--Clearing a Tract of Land
+--Securing a Title--Outhouse and Fences
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+A Happy Life--Lake Tahoe and its Moods--Transparency of the Waters--A
+Catastrophe--Fire! Fire!--A Magnificent Spectacle--Homeless Again--We
+take to the Lake--A Storm--Return to Carson
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+Resolve to Buy a Horse--Horsemanship in Carson--A Temptation--Advice
+Given Me Freely--I Buy the Mexican Plug--My First Ride--A Good Bucker--I
+Loan the Plug--Experience of Borrowers--Attempts to Sell--Expense of the
+Experiment--A Stranger Taken In
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+The Mormons in Nevada--How to Persuade a Loan from Them--Early History of
+the Territory--Silver Mines Discovered--The New Territorial Government--A
+Foreign One and a Poor One--Its Funny Struggles for Existence--No Credit,
+no Cash--Old Abe Currey Sustains it and its Officers--Instructions and
+Vouchers--An Indian's Endorsement--Toll-Gates
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+The Silver Fever--State of the Market--Silver Bricks--Tales Told--Off for
+the Humboldt Mines
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+Our manner of going--Incidents of the Trip--A Warm but Too Familiar a
+Bedfellow--Mr. Ballou Objects--Sunshine amid Clouds--Safely Arrived
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+Arrive at the Mountains--Building Our Cabin--My First Prospecting Tour
+--My First Gold Mine--Pockets Filled With Treasures--Filtering the News to
+My Companions--The Bubble Pricked--All Not Gold That Glitters
+
+CHAPTER XXIX.
+Out Prospecting--A Silver Mine At Last--Making a Fortune With Sledge and
+Drill--A Hard Road to Travel--We Own in Claims--A Rocky Country
+
+CHAPTER XXX.
+Disinterested Friends--How "Feet" Were Sold--We Quit Tunnelling--A Trip
+to Esmeralda--My Companions--An Indian Prophesy--A Flood--Our Quarters
+During It
+
+CHAPTER XXXI.
+The Guests at "Honey Lake Smith's"--"Bully Old Arkansas"--"Our Landlord"
+--Determined to Fight--The Landlord's Wife--The Bully Conquered by Her
+--Another Start--Crossing the Carson--A Narrow Escape--Following Our Own
+Track--A New Guide--Lost in the Snow
+
+CHAPTER XXXII.
+Desperate Situation--Attempts to Make a Fire--Our Horses leave us--We
+Find Matches--One, Two, Three and the Last--No Fire--Death Seems
+Inevitable--We Mourn Over Our Evil Lives--Discarded Vices--We Forgive
+Each Other--An Affectionate Farewell--The Sleep of Oblivion
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII.
+Return of Consciousness--Ridiculous Developments--A Station House--Bitter
+Feelings--Fruits of Repentance--Resurrected Vices
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV.
+About Carson--General Buncombe--Hyde vs. Morgan--How Hyde Lost His Ranch
+--The Great Landslide Case--The Trial--General Buncombe in Court--A
+Wonderful Decision--A Serious Afterthought
+
+CHAPTER XXXV.
+A New Travelling Companion--All Full and No Accommodations--How Captain
+Nye found Room--and Caused Our Leaving to be Lamented--The Uses of
+Tunnelling--A Notable Example--We Go into the "Claim" Business and Fail
+--At the Bottom
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI.
+A Quartz Mill--Amalgamation--"Screening Tailings"--First Quartz Mill in
+Nevada--Fire Assay--A Smart Assayer--I stake for an advance
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII.
+The Whiteman Cement Mine--Story of its Discovery--A Secret Expedition--A
+Nocturnal Adventure--A Distressing Position--A Failure and a Week's
+Holiday
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII.
+Mono Lake--Shampooing Made Easy--Thoughtless Act of Our Dog and the
+Results--Lye Water--Curiosities of the Lake--Free Hotel--Some Funny
+Incidents a Little Overdrawn
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX.
+Visit to the Islands in Lake Mono--Ashes and Desolation--Life Amid Death
+Our Boat Adrift--A Jump For Life--A Storm On the Lake--A Mass of Soap
+Suds--Geological Curiosities--A Week On the Sierras--A Narrow Escape From
+a Funny Explosion--"Stove Heap Gone"
+
+CHAPTER XL.
+The "Wide West" Mine--It is "Interviewed" by Higbie--A Blind Lead--Worth
+a Million--We are Rich At Last--Plans for the Future
+
+CHAPTER XLI.
+A Rheumatic Patient--Day Dreams--An Unfortunate Stumble--I Leave
+Suddenly--Another Patient--Higbie in the Cabin--Our Balloon Bursted
+--Worth Nothing--Regrets and Explanations--Our Third Partner
+
+CHAPTER XLII.
+What to do Next?--Obstacles I Had Met With--"Jack of All Trades"--Mining
+Again--Target Shooting--I Turn City Editor--I Succeed Finely
+
+CHAPTER XLIII.
+My Friend Boggs--The School Report--Boggs Pays Me An Old Debt--Virginia
+City
+
+CHAPTER XLIV.
+Flush Times--Plenty of Stock--Editorial Puffing--Stocks Given Me--Salting
+Mines--A Tragedian In a New Role
+
+CHAPTER XLV.
+Flush Times Continue--Sanitary Commission Fund--Wild Enthusiasm of the
+People--Would not wait to Contribute--The Sanitary Flour Sack--It is
+Carried to Gold Hill and Dayton--Final Reception in Virginia--Results of
+the Sale--A Grand Total
+
+CHAPTER XLVI.
+The Nabobs of Those Days--John Smith as a Traveler--Sudden Wealth--A
+Sixty-Thousand-Dollar Horse--A Smart Telegraph Operator--A Nabob in New
+York City--Charters an Omnibus--"Walk in, It's All Free"--"You Can't Pay
+a Cent"--"Hold On, Driver, I Weaken"--Sociability of New Yorkers
+
+CHAPTER XLVII.
+Buck Fanshaw's Death--The Cause Thereof--Preparations for His Burial
+--Scotty Briggs the Committee Man--He Visits the Minister--Scotty Can't
+Play His Hand--The Minister Gets Mixed--Both Begin to See--"All Down
+Again But Nine"--Buck Fanshaw as a Citizen--How To "Shook Your Mother"
+--The Funeral--Scotty Briggs as a Sunday School Teacher
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII.
+The First Twenty-Six Graves in Nevada--The Prominent Men of the County
+--The Man Who Had Killed His Dozen--Trial by Jury--Specimen Jurors--A
+Private Grave Yard--The Desperadoes--Who They Killed--Waking up the Weary
+Passenger--Satisfaction Without Fighting
+
+CHAPTER XLIX.
+Fatal Shooting Affray--Robbery and Desperate Affray--A Specimen City
+Official--A Marked Man--A Street Fight--Punishment of Crime
+
+CHAPTER L.
+Captain Ned Blakely--Bill Nookes Receives Desired Information--Killing of
+Blakely's Mate--A Walking Battery--Blakely Secures Nookes--Hang First and
+Be Tried Afterwards--Captain Blakely as a Chaplain--The First Chapter of
+Genesis Read at a Hanging--Nookes Hung--Blakely's Regrets
+
+CHAPTER LI.
+The Weekly Occidental--A Ready Editor--A Novel--A Concentration of
+Talent--The Heroes and the Heroines--The Dissolute Author Engaged
+--Extraordinary Havoc With the Novel--A Highly Romantic Chapter--The Lovers
+Separated--Jonah Out-done--A Lost Poem--The Aged Pilot Man--Storm On the
+Erie Canal--Dollinger the Pilot Man--Terrific Gale--Danger Increases--A
+Crisis Arrived--Saved as if by a Miracle
+
+CHAPTER LII.
+Freights to California--Silver Bricks--Under Ground Mines--Timber
+Supports--A Visit to the Mines--The Caved Mines--Total of Shipments in
+1863
+
+CHAPTER LIII.
+Jim Blaine and his Grandfather's Ram--Filkin's Mistake--Old Miss Wagner
+and her Glass Eye--Jacobs, the Coffin Dealer--Waiting for a Customer--His
+Bargain With Old Robbins--Robbins Sues for Damage and Collects--A New Use
+for Missionaries--The Effect--His Uncle Lem. and the Use Providence Made
+of Him--Sad Fate of Wheeler--Devotion of His Wife--A Model Monument--What
+About the Ram?
+
+CHAPTER LIV.
+Chinese in Virginia City--Washing Bills--Habit of Imitation--Chinese
+Immigration--A Visit to Chinatown--Messrs. Ah Sing, Hong Wo, See Yup, &c.
+
+CHAPTER LV.
+Tired of Virginia City--An Old Schoolmate--A Two Years' Loan--Acting as
+an Editor--Almost Receive an Offer--An Accident--Three Drunken Anecdotes
+--Last Look at Mt. Davidson--A Beautiful Incident
+
+CHAPTER LVI.
+Off for San Francisco--Western and Eastern Landscapes--The Hottest place
+on Earth--Summer and Winter
+
+CHAPTER LVII.
+California--Novelty of Seeing a Woman--"Well if it ain't a Child!"--One
+Hundred and Fifty Dollars for a Kiss--Waiting for a turn
+
+CHAPTER LVIII.
+Life in San Francisco--Worthless Stocks--My First Earthquake--Reportorial
+Instincts--Effects of the Shocks--Incidents and Curiosities--Sabbath
+Breakers--The Lodger and the Chambermaid--A Sensible Fashion to Follow
+--Effects of the Earthquake on the Ministers
+
+CHAPTER LIX.
+Poor Again--Slinking as a Business--A Model Collector--Misery loves
+Company--Comparing Notes for Comfort--A Streak of Luck--Finding a Dime
+--Wealthy by Comparison--Two Sumptuous Dinners
+
+CHAPTER LX.
+An Old Friend--An Educated Miner--Pocket Mining--Freaks of Fortune
+
+CHAPTER LXI.
+Dick Baker and his Cat--Tom Quartz's Peculiarities--On an Excursion
+--Appearance On His Return--A Prejudiced Cat--Empty Pockets and a Roving
+Life
+
+CHAPTER LXII.
+Bound for the Sandwich Islands--The Three Captains--The Old Admiral--His
+Daily Habits--His Well Fought Fields--An Unexpected Opponent--The Admiral
+Overpowered--The Victor Declared a Hero
+
+CHAPTER LXIII.
+Arrival at the Islands--Honolulu--What I Saw There--Dress and Habits of
+the Inhabitants--The Animal Kingdom--Fruits and Delightful Effects
+
+CHAPTER LXIV.
+An Excursion--Captain Phillips and his Turn-Out--A Horseback Ride--A
+Vicious Animal--Nature and Art--Interesting Ruins--All Praise to the
+Missionaries
+
+CHAPTER LXV.
+Interesting Mementoes and Relics--An Old Legend of a Frightful Leap--An
+Appreciative Horse--Horse Jockeys and Their Brothers--A New Trick--A Hay
+Merchant--Good Country for Horse Lovers
+
+CHAPTER LXVI.
+A Saturday Afternoon--Sandwich Island Girls on a Frolic--The Poi
+Merchant--Grand Gala Day--A Native Dance--Church Membership--Cats and
+Officials--An Overwhelming Discovery
+
+CHAPTER LXVII.
+The Legislature of the Island--What Its President Has Seen--Praying for
+an Enemy--Women's Rights--Romantic Fashions--Worship of the Shark--Desire
+for Dress--Full Dress--Not Paris Style--Playing Empire--Officials and
+Foreign Ambassadors--Overwhelming Magnificence
+
+CHAPTER LXVIII.
+A Royal Funeral--Order of Procession--Pomp and Ceremony--A Striking
+Contrast--A Sick Monarch--Human Sacrifices at His Death--Burial Orgies
+
+CHAPTER LXIX.
+"Once more upon the Waters."--A Noisy Passenger--Several Silent Ones--A
+Moonlight Scene--Fruits and Plantations
+
+CHAPTER LXX.
+A Droll Character--Mrs. Beazely and Her Son--Meditations on Turnips--A
+Letter from Horace Greeley--An Indignant Rejoinder--The Letter Translated
+but too Late
+
+CHAPTER LXXI.
+Kealakekua Bay--Death of Captain Cook--His Monument--Its Construction--On
+Board the Schooner
+
+CHAPTER LXXII.
+Young Kanakas in New England--A Temple Built by Ghosts--Female Bathers--I
+Stood Guard--Women and Whiskey--A Fight for Religion--Arrival of
+Missionaries
+
+CHAPTER LXXIII.
+Native Canoes--Surf Bathing--A Sanctuary--How Built--The Queen's Rock
+--Curiosities--Petrified Lava
+
+CHAPTER LXXIV.
+Visit to the Volcano--The Crater--Pillar of Fire--Magnificent Spectacle
+--A Lake of Fire
+
+CHAPTER LXXV.
+The North Lake--Fountains of Fire--Streams of Burning Lava--Tidal Waves
+
+CHAPTER LXXVI.
+A Reminiscence--Another Horse Story--My Ride with the Retired Milk Horse
+--A Picnicing Excursion--Dead Volcano of Holeakala--Comparison with
+Vesuvius--An Inside View
+
+CHAPTER LXXVII.
+A Curious Character--A Series of Stories--Sad Fate of a Liar--Evidence of
+Insanity
+
+CHAPTER LXXVIII.
+Return to San Francisco--Ship Amusements--Preparing for Lecturing
+--Valuable Assistance Secured--My First Attempt--The Audience Carried
+--"All's Well that Ends Well."
+
+CHAPTER LXXIX.
+Highwaymen--A Predicament--A Huge Joke--Farewell to California--At Home
+Again--Great Changes. Moral.
+
+
+
+APPENDIX.
+A.--Brief Sketch of Mormon History
+B.--The Mountain Meadows Massacre
+C.--Concerning a Frightful Assassination that was never Consummated
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+My brother had just been appointed Secretary of Nevada Territory--an
+office of such majesty that it concentrated in itself the duties and
+dignities of Treasurer, Comptroller, Secretary of State, and Acting
+Governor in the Governor's absence. A salary of eighteen hundred dollars
+a year and the title of "Mr. Secretary," gave to the great position an
+air of wild and imposing grandeur. I was young and ignorant, and I
+envied my brother. I coveted his distinction and his financial splendor,
+but particularly and especially the long, strange journey he was going to
+make, and the curious new world he was going to explore. He was going to
+travel! I never had been away from home, and that word "travel" had a
+seductive charm for me. Pretty soon he would be hundreds and hundreds of
+miles away on the great plains and deserts, and among the mountains of
+the Far West, and would see buffaloes and Indians, and prairie dogs, and
+antelopes, and have all kinds of adventures, and may be get hanged or
+scalped, and have ever such a fine time, and write home and tell us all
+about it, and be a hero. And he would see the gold mines and the silver
+mines, and maybe go about of an afternoon when his work was done, and
+pick up two or three pailfuls of shining slugs, and nuggets of gold and
+silver on the hillside. And by and by he would become very rich, and
+return home by sea, and be able to talk as calmly about San Francisco and
+the ocean, and "the isthmus" as if it was nothing of any consequence to
+have seen those marvels face to face. What I suffered in contemplating
+his happiness, pen cannot describe. And so, when he offered me, in cold
+blood, the sublime position of private secretary under him, it appeared
+to me that the heavens and the earth passed away, and the firmament was
+rolled together as a scroll! I had nothing more to desire. My
+contentment was complete.
+
+At the end of an hour or two I was ready for the journey. Not much
+packing up was necessary, because we were going in the overland stage
+from the Missouri frontier to Nevada, and passengers were only allowed a
+small quantity of baggage apiece. There was no Pacific railroad in those
+fine times of ten or twelve years ago--not a single rail of it.
+I only proposed to stay in Nevada three months--I had no thought of
+staying longer than that. I meant to see all I could that was new and
+strange, and then hurry home to business. I little thought that I would
+not see the end of that three-month pleasure excursion for six or seven
+uncommonly long years!
+
+I dreamed all night about Indians, deserts, and silver bars, and in due
+time, next day, we took shipping at the St. Louis wharf on board a
+steamboat bound up the Missouri River.
+
+We were six days going from St. Louis to "St. Jo."--a trip that was so
+dull, and sleepy, and eventless that it has left no more impression on my
+memory than if its duration had been six minutes instead of that many
+days. No record is left in my mind, now, concerning it, but a confused
+jumble of savage-looking snags, which we deliberately walked over with
+one wheel or the other; and of reefs which we butted and butted, and then
+retired from and climbed over in some softer place; and of sand-bars
+which we roosted on occasionally, and rested, and then got out our
+crutches and sparred over.
+
+In fact, the boat might almost as well have gone to St. Jo. by land, for
+she was walking most of the time, anyhow--climbing over reefs and
+clambering over snags patiently and laboriously all day long. The
+captain said she was a "bully" boat, and all she wanted was more "shear"
+and a bigger wheel. I thought she wanted a pair of stilts, but I had the
+deep sagacity not to say so.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+The first thing we did on that glad evening that landed us at St. Joseph
+was to hunt up the stage-office, and pay a hundred and fifty dollars
+apiece for tickets per overland coach to Carson City, Nevada.
+
+The next morning, bright and early, we took a hasty breakfast, and
+hurried to the starting-place. Then an inconvenience presented itself
+which we had not properly appreciated before, namely, that one cannot
+make a heavy traveling trunk stand for twenty-five pounds of baggage
+--because it weighs a good deal more. But that was all we could take
+--twenty-five pounds each. So we had to snatch our trunks open, and make a
+selection in a good deal of a hurry. We put our lawful twenty-five
+pounds apiece all in one valise, and shipped the trunks back to St. Louis
+again. It was a sad parting, for now we had no swallow-tail coats and
+white kid gloves to wear at Pawnee receptions in the Rocky Mountains, and
+no stove-pipe hats nor patent-leather boots, nor anything else necessary
+to make life calm and peaceful. We were reduced to a war-footing. Each
+of us put on a rough, heavy suit of clothing, woolen army shirt and
+"stogy" boots included; and into the valise we crowded a few white
+shirts, some under-clothing and such things. My brother, the Secretary,
+took along about four pounds of United States statutes and six pounds of
+Unabridged Dictionary; for we did not know--poor innocents--that such
+things could be bought in San Francisco on one day and received in Carson
+City the next. I was armed to the teeth with a pitiful little Smith &
+Wesson's seven-shooter, which carried a ball like a homoeopathic pill,
+and it took the whole seven to make a dose for an adult. But I thought
+it was grand. It appeared to me to be a dangerous weapon. It only had
+one fault--you could not hit anything with it. One of our "conductors"
+practiced awhile on a cow with it, and as long as she stood still and
+behaved herself she was safe; but as soon as she went to moving about,
+and he got to shooting at other things, she came to grief. The Secretary
+had a small-sized Colt's revolver strapped around him for protection
+against the Indians, and to guard against accidents he carried it
+uncapped. Mr. George Bemis was dismally formidable. George Bemis was
+our fellow-traveler.
+
+We had never seen him before. He wore in his belt an old original
+"Allen" revolver, such as irreverent people called a "pepper-box." Simply
+drawing the trigger back, cocked and fired the pistol. As the trigger
+came back, the hammer would begin to rise and the barrel to turn over,
+and presently down would drop the hammer, and away would speed the ball.
+To aim along the turning barrel and hit the thing aimed at was a feat
+which was probably never done with an "Allen" in the world. But George's
+was a reliable weapon, nevertheless, because, as one of the stage-drivers
+afterward said, "If she didn't get what she went after, she would fetch
+something else." And so she did. She went after a deuce of spades nailed
+against a tree, once, and fetched a mule standing about thirty yards to
+the left of it. Bemis did not want the mule; but the owner came out with
+a double-barreled shotgun and persuaded him to buy it, anyhow. It was a
+cheerful weapon--the "Allen." Sometimes all its six barrels would go off
+at once, and then there was no safe place in all the region round about,
+but behind it.
+
+We took two or three blankets for protection against frosty weather in
+the mountains. In the matter of luxuries we were modest--we took none
+along but some pipes and five pounds of smoking tobacco. We had two
+large canteens to carry water in, between stations on the Plains, and we
+also took with us a little shot-bag of silver coin for daily expenses in
+the way of breakfasts and dinners.
+
+By eight o'clock everything was ready, and we were on the other side of
+the river. We jumped into the stage, the driver cracked his whip, and we
+bowled away and left "the States" behind us. It was a superb summer
+morning, and all the landscape was brilliant with sunshine. There was a
+freshness and breeziness, too, and an exhilarating sense of emancipation
+from all sorts of cares and responsibilities, that almost made us feel
+that the years we had spent in the close, hot city, toiling and slaving,
+had been wasted and thrown away. We were spinning along through Kansas,
+and in the course of an hour and a half we were fairly abroad on the
+great Plains. Just here the land was rolling--a grand sweep of regular
+elevations and depressions as far as the eye could reach--like the
+stately heave and swell of the ocean's bosom after a storm. And
+everywhere were cornfields, accenting with squares of deeper green, this
+limitless expanse of grassy land. But presently this sea upon dry ground
+was to lose its "rolling" character and stretch away for seven hundred
+miles as level as a floor!
+
+Our coach was a great swinging and swaying stage, of the most sumptuous
+description--an imposing cradle on wheels. It was drawn by six handsome
+horses, and by the side of the driver sat the "conductor," the legitimate
+captain of the craft; for it was his business to take charge and care of
+the mails, baggage, express matter, and passengers. We three were the
+only passengers, this trip. We sat on the back seat, inside. About all
+the rest of the coach was full of mail bags--for we had three days'
+delayed mails with us. Almost touching our knees, a perpendicular wall
+of mail matter rose up to the roof. There was a great pile of it
+strapped on top of the stage, and both the fore and hind boots were full.
+We had twenty-seven hundred pounds of it aboard, the driver said--"a
+little for Brigham, and Carson, and 'Frisco, but the heft of it for the
+Injuns, which is powerful troublesome 'thout they get plenty of truck to
+read." But as he just then got up a fearful convulsion of his countenance
+which was suggestive of a wink being swallowed by an earthquake, we
+guessed that his remark was intended to be facetious, and to mean that we
+would unload the most of our mail matter somewhere on the Plains and
+leave it to the Indians, or whosoever wanted it.
+
+We changed horses every ten miles, all day long, and fairly flew over the
+hard, level road. We jumped out and stretched our legs every time the
+coach stopped, and so the night found us still vivacious and unfatigued.
+
+After supper a woman got in, who lived about fifty miles further on, and
+we three had to take turns at sitting outside with the driver and
+conductor. Apparently she was not a talkative woman. She would sit
+there in the gathering twilight and fasten her steadfast eyes on a
+mosquito rooting into her arm, and slowly she would raise her other hand
+till she had got his range, and then she would launch a slap at him that
+would have jolted a cow; and after that she would sit and contemplate the
+corpse with tranquil satisfaction--for she never missed her mosquito; she
+was a dead shot at short range. She never removed a carcase, but left
+them there for bait. I sat by this grim Sphynx and watched her kill
+thirty or forty mosquitoes--watched her, and waited for her to say
+something, but she never did. So I finally opened the conversation
+myself. I said:
+
+"The mosquitoes are pretty bad, about here, madam."
+
+"You bet!"
+
+"What did I understand you to say, madam?"
+
+"You BET!"
+
+Then she cheered up, and faced around and said:
+
+"Danged if I didn't begin to think you fellers was deef and dumb. I did,
+b'gosh. Here I've sot, and sot, and sot, a-bust'n muskeeters and
+wonderin' what was ailin' ye. Fust I thot you was deef and dumb, then I
+thot you was sick or crazy, or suthin', and then by and by I begin to
+reckon you was a passel of sickly fools that couldn't think of nothing to
+say. Wher'd ye come from?"
+
+The Sphynx was a Sphynx no more! The fountains of her great deep were
+broken up, and she rained the nine parts of speech forty days and forty
+nights, metaphorically speaking, and buried us under a desolating deluge
+of trivial gossip that left not a crag or pinnacle of rejoinder
+projecting above the tossing waste of dislocated grammar and decomposed
+pronunciation!
+
+How we suffered, suffered, suffered! She went on, hour after hour, till
+I was sorry I ever opened the mosquito question and gave her a start.
+She never did stop again until she got to her journey's end toward
+daylight; and then she stirred us up as she was leaving the stage (for we
+were nodding, by that time), and said:
+
+"Now you git out at Cottonwood, you fellers, and lay over a couple o'
+days, and I'll be along some time to-night, and if I can do ye any good
+by edgin' in a word now and then, I'm right thar. Folks'll tell you't
+I've always ben kind o' offish and partic'lar for a gal that's raised in
+the woods, and I am, with the rag-tag and bob-tail, and a gal has to be,
+if she wants to be anything, but when people comes along which is my
+equals, I reckon I'm a pretty sociable heifer after all."
+
+We resolved not to "lay by at Cottonwood."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+About an hour and a half before daylight we were bowling along smoothly
+over the road--so smoothly that our cradle only rocked in a gentle,
+lulling way, that was gradually soothing us to sleep, and dulling our
+consciousness--when something gave away under us! We were dimly aware of
+it, but indifferent to it. The coach stopped. We heard the driver and
+conductor talking together outside, and rummaging for a lantern, and
+swearing because they could not find it--but we had no interest in
+whatever had happened, and it only added to our comfort to think of those
+people out there at work in the murky night, and we snug in our nest with
+the curtains drawn. But presently, by the sounds, there seemed to be an
+examination going on, and then the driver's voice said:
+
+"By George, the thoroughbrace is broke!"
+
+This startled me broad awake--as an undefined sense of calamity is always
+apt to do. I said to myself: "Now, a thoroughbrace is probably part of a
+horse; and doubtless a vital part, too, from the dismay in the driver's
+voice. Leg, maybe--and yet how could he break his leg waltzing along
+such a road as this? No, it can't be his leg. That is impossible,
+unless he was reaching for the driver. Now, what can be the
+thoroughbrace of a horse, I wonder? Well, whatever comes, I shall not
+air my ignorance in this crowd, anyway."
+
+Just then the conductor's face appeared at a lifted curtain, and his
+lantern glared in on us and our wall of mail matter. He said:
+"Gents, you'll have to turn out a spell. Thoroughbrace is broke."
+
+We climbed out into a chill drizzle, and felt ever so homeless and
+dreary. When I found that the thing they called a "thoroughbrace" was
+the massive combination of belts and springs which the coach rocks itself
+in, I said to the driver:
+
+"I never saw a thoroughbrace used up like that, before, that I can
+remember. How did it happen?"
+
+"Why, it happened by trying to make one coach carry three days' mail
+--that's how it happened," said he. "And right here is the very direction
+which is wrote on all the newspaper-bags which was to be put out for the
+Injuns for to keep 'em quiet. It's most uncommon lucky, becuz it's so
+nation dark I should 'a' gone by unbeknowns if that air thoroughbrace
+hadn't broke."
+
+I knew that he was in labor with another of those winks of his, though I
+could not see his face, because he was bent down at work; and wishing him
+a safe delivery, I turned to and helped the rest get out the mail-sacks.
+It made a great pyramid by the roadside when it was all out. When they
+had mended the thoroughbrace we filled the two boots again, but put no
+mail on top, and only half as much inside as there was before. The
+conductor bent all the seat-backs down, and then filled the coach just
+half full of mail-bags from end to end. We objected loudly to this, for
+it left us no seats. But the conductor was wiser than we, and said a bed
+was better than seats, and moreover, this plan would protect his
+thoroughbraces. We never wanted any seats after that. The lazy bed was
+infinitely preferable. I had many an exciting day, subsequently, lying
+on it reading the statutes and the dictionary, and wondering how the
+characters would turn out.
+
+The conductor said he would send back a guard from the next station to
+take charge of the abandoned mail-bags, and we drove on.
+
+It was now just dawn; and as we stretched our cramped legs full length on
+the mail sacks, and gazed out through the windows across the wide wastes
+of greensward clad in cool, powdery mist, to where there was an expectant
+look in the eastern horizon, our perfect enjoyment took the form of a
+tranquil and contented ecstasy. The stage whirled along at a spanking
+gait, the breeze flapping curtains and suspended coats in a most
+exhilarating way; the cradle swayed and swung luxuriously, the pattering
+of the horses' hoofs, the cracking of the driver's whip, and his "Hi-yi!
+g'lang!" were music; the spinning ground and the waltzing trees appeared
+to give us a mute hurrah as we went by, and then slack up and look after
+us with interest, or envy, or something; and as we lay and smoked the
+pipe of peace and compared all this luxury with the years of tiresome
+city life that had gone before it, we felt that there was only one
+complete and satisfying happiness in the world, and we had found it.
+
+After breakfast, at some station whose name I have forgotten, we three
+climbed up on the seat behind the driver, and let the conductor have our
+bed for a nap. And by and by, when the sun made me drowsy, I lay down on
+my face on top of the coach, grasping the slender iron railing, and slept
+for an hour or more. That will give one an appreciable idea of those
+matchless roads. Instinct will make a sleeping man grip a fast hold of
+the railing when the stage jolts, but when it only swings and sways, no
+grip is necessary. Overland drivers and conductors used to sit in their
+places and sleep thirty or forty minutes at a time, on good roads, while
+spinning along at the rate of eight or ten miles an hour. I saw them do
+it, often. There was no danger about it; a sleeping man will seize the
+irons in time when the coach jolts. These men were hard worked, and it
+was not possible for them to stay awake all the time.
+
+By and by we passed through Marysville, and over the Big Blue and Little
+Sandy; thence about a mile, and entered Nebraska. About a mile further
+on, we came to the Big Sandy--one hundred and eighty miles from St.
+Joseph.
+
+As the sun was going down, we saw the first specimen of an animal known
+familiarly over two thousand miles of mountain and desert--from Kansas
+clear to the Pacific Ocean--as the "jackass rabbit." He is well named.
+He is just like any other rabbit, except that he is from one third to
+twice as large, has longer legs in proportion to his size, and has the
+most preposterous ears that ever were mounted on any creature but a
+jackass.
+
+When he is sitting quiet, thinking about his sins, or is absent-minded or
+unapprehensive of danger, his majestic ears project above him
+conspicuously; but the breaking of a twig will scare him nearly to death,
+and then he tilts his ears back gently and starts for home. All you can
+see, then, for the next minute, is his long gray form stretched out
+straight and "streaking it" through the low sage-brush, head erect, eyes
+right, and ears just canted a little to the rear, but showing you where
+the animal is, all the time, the same as if he carried a jib. Now and
+then he makes a marvelous spring with his long legs, high over the
+stunted sage-brush, and scores a leap that would make a horse envious.
+Presently he comes down to a long, graceful "lope," and shortly he
+mysteriously disappears. He has crouched behind a sage-bush, and will
+sit there and listen and tremble until you get within six feet of him,
+when he will get under way again. But one must shoot at this creature
+once, if he wishes to see him throw his heart into his heels, and do the
+best he knows how. He is frightened clear through, now, and he lays his
+long ears down on his back, straightens himself out like a yard-stick
+every spring he makes, and scatters miles behind him with an easy
+indifference that is enchanting.
+
+Our party made this specimen "hump himself," as the conductor said. The
+secretary started him with a shot from the Colt; I commenced spitting at
+him with my weapon; and all in the same instant the old "Allen's" whole
+broadside let go with a rattling crash, and it is not putting it too
+strong to say that the rabbit was frantic! He dropped his ears, set up
+his tail, and left for San Francisco at a speed which can only be
+described as a flash and a vanish! Long after he was out of sight we
+could hear him whiz.
+
+I do not remember where we first came across "sage-brush," but as I have
+been speaking of it I may as well describe it.
+
+This is easily done, for if the reader can imagine a gnarled and
+venerable live oak-tree reduced to a little shrub two feet-high, with its
+rough bark, its foliage, its twisted boughs, all complete, he can picture
+the "sage-brush" exactly. Often, on lazy afternoons in the mountains, I
+have lain on the ground with my face under a sage-bush, and entertained
+myself with fancying that the gnats among its foliage were liliputian
+birds, and that the ants marching and countermarching about its base were
+liliputian flocks and herds, and myself some vast loafer from Brobdignag
+waiting to catch a little citizen and eat him.
+
+It is an imposing monarch of the forest in exquisite miniature, is the
+"sage-brush." Its foliage is a grayish green, and gives that tint to
+desert and mountain. It smells like our domestic sage, and "sage-tea"
+made from it taste like the sage-tea which all boys are so well
+acquainted with. The sage-brush is a singularly hardy plant, and grows
+right in the midst of deep sand, and among barren rocks, where nothing
+else in the vegetable world would try to grow, except "bunch-grass."
+--["Bunch-grass" grows on the bleak mountain-sides of Nevada and
+neighboring territories, and offers excellent feed for stock, even in the
+dead of winter, wherever the snow is blown aside and exposes it;
+notwithstanding its unpromising home, bunch-grass is a better and more
+nutritious diet for cattle and horses than almost any other hay or grass
+that is known--so stock-men say.]--The sage-bushes grow from three to
+six or seven feet apart, all over the mountains and deserts of the Far
+West, clear to the borders of California. There is not a tree of any
+kind in the deserts, for hundreds of miles--there is no vegetation at all
+in a regular desert, except the sage-brush and its cousin the
+"greasewood," which is so much like the sage-brush that the difference
+amounts to little. Camp-fires and hot suppers in the deserts would be
+impossible but for the friendly sage-brush. Its trunk is as large as a
+boy's wrist (and from that up to a man's arm), and its crooked branches
+are half as large as its trunk--all good, sound, hard wood, very like
+oak.
+
+When a party camps, the first thing to be done is to cut sage-brush; and
+in a few minutes there is an opulent pile of it ready for use. A hole a
+foot wide, two feet deep, and two feet long, is dug, and sage-brush
+chopped up and burned in it till it is full to the brim with glowing
+coals. Then the cooking begins, and there is no smoke, and consequently
+no swearing. Such a fire will keep all night, with very little
+replenishing; and it makes a very sociable camp-fire, and one around
+which the most impossible reminiscences sound plausible, instructive, and
+profoundly entertaining.
+
+Sage-brush is very fair fuel, but as a vegetable it is a distinguished
+failure. Nothing can abide the taste of it but the jackass and his
+illegitimate child the mule. But their testimony to its nutritiousness
+is worth nothing, for they will eat pine knots, or anthracite coal, or
+brass filings, or lead pipe, or old bottles, or anything that comes
+handy, and then go off looking as grateful as if they had had oysters for
+dinner. Mules and donkeys and camels have appetites that anything will
+relieve temporarily, but nothing satisfy.
+
+In Syria, once, at the head-waters of the Jordan, a camel took charge of
+my overcoat while the tents were being pitched, and examined it with a
+critical eye, all over, with as much interest as if he had an idea of
+getting one made like it; and then, after he was done figuring on it as
+an article of apparel, he began to contemplate it as an article of diet.
+He put his foot on it, and lifted one of the sleeves out with his teeth,
+and chewed and chewed at it, gradually taking it in, and all the while
+opening and closing his eyes in a kind of religious ecstasy, as if he had
+never tasted anything as good as an overcoat before, in his life. Then
+he smacked his lips once or twice, and reached after the other sleeve.
+Next he tried the velvet collar, and smiled a smile of such contentment
+that it was plain to see that he regarded that as the daintiest thing
+about an overcoat. The tails went next, along with some percussion caps
+and cough candy, and some fig-paste from Constantinople. And then my
+newspaper correspondence dropped out, and he took a chance in that
+--manuscript letters written for the home papers. But he was treading on
+dangerous ground, now. He began to come across solid wisdom in those
+documents that was rather weighty on his stomach; and occasionally he
+would take a joke that would shake him up till it loosened his teeth; it
+was getting to be perilous times with him, but he held his grip with good
+courage and hopefully, till at last he began to stumble on statements
+that not even a camel could swallow with impunity. He began to gag and
+gasp, and his eyes to stand out, and his forelegs to spread, and in about
+a quarter of a minute he fell over as stiff as a carpenter's work-bench,
+and died a death of indescribable agony. I went and pulled the
+manuscript out of his mouth, and found that the sensitive creature had
+choked to death on one of the mildest and gentlest statements of fact
+that I ever laid before a trusting public.
+
+I was about to say, when diverted from my subject, that occasionally one
+finds sage-bushes five or six feet high, and with a spread of branch and
+foliage in proportion, but two or two and a half feet is the usual
+height.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+As the sun went down and the evening chill came on, we made preparation
+for bed. We stirred up the hard leather letter-sacks, and the knotty
+canvas bags of printed matter (knotty and uneven because of projecting
+ends and corners of magazines, boxes and books). We stirred them up and
+redisposed them in such a way as to make our bed as level as possible.
+And we did improve it, too, though after all our work it had an upheaved
+and billowy look about it, like a little piece of a stormy sea. Next we
+hunted up our boots from odd nooks among the mail-bags where they had
+settled, and put them on. Then we got down our coats, vests, pantaloons
+and heavy woolen shirts, from the arm-loops where they had been swinging
+all day, and clothed ourselves in them--for, there being no ladies either
+at the stations or in the coach, and the weather being hot, we had looked
+to our comfort by stripping to our underclothing, at nine o'clock in the
+morning. All things being now ready, we stowed the uneasy Dictionary
+where it would lie as quiet as possible, and placed the water-canteens
+and pistols where we could find them in the dark. Then we smoked a final
+pipe, and swapped a final yarn; after which, we put the pipes, tobacco
+and bag of coin in snug holes and caves among the mail-bags, and then
+fastened down the coach curtains all around, and made the place as "dark
+as the inside of a cow," as the conductor phrased it in his picturesque
+way. It was certainly as dark as any place could be--nothing was even
+dimly visible in it. And finally, we rolled ourselves up like
+silk-worms, each person in his own blanket, and sank peacefully to sleep.
+
+Whenever the stage stopped to change horses, we would wake up, and try to
+recollect where we were--and succeed--and in a minute or two the stage
+would be off again, and we likewise. We began to get into country, now,
+threaded here and there with little streams. These had high, steep banks
+on each side, and every time we flew down one bank and scrambled up the
+other, our party inside got mixed somewhat. First we would all be down
+in a pile at the forward end of the stage, nearly in a sitting posture,
+and in a second we would shoot to the other end, and stand on our heads.
+And we would sprawl and kick, too, and ward off ends and corners of
+mail-bags that came lumbering over us and about us; and as the dust rose
+from the tumult, we would all sneeze in chorus, and the majority of us
+would grumble, and probably say some hasty thing, like: "Take your elbow
+out of my ribs!--can't you quit crowding?"
+
+Every time we avalanched from one end of the stage to the other, the
+Unabridged Dictionary would come too; and every time it came it damaged
+somebody. One trip it "barked" the Secretary's elbow; the next trip it
+hurt me in the stomach, and the third it tilted Bemis's nose up till he
+could look down his nostrils--he said. The pistols and coin soon settled
+to the bottom, but the pipes, pipe-stems, tobacco and canteens clattered
+and floundered after the Dictionary every time it made an assault on us,
+and aided and abetted the book by spilling tobacco in our eyes, and water
+down our backs.
+
+Still, all things considered, it was a very comfortable night. It wore
+gradually away, and when at last a cold gray light was visible through
+the puckers and chinks in the curtains, we yawned and stretched with
+satisfaction, shed our cocoons, and felt that we had slept as much as was
+necessary. By and by, as the sun rose up and warmed the world, we pulled
+off our clothes and got ready for breakfast. We were just pleasantly in
+time, for five minutes afterward the driver sent the weird music of his
+bugle winding over the grassy solitudes, and presently we detected a low
+hut or two in the distance. Then the rattling of the coach, the clatter
+of our six horses' hoofs, and the driver's crisp commands, awoke to a
+louder and stronger emphasis, and we went sweeping down on the station at
+our smartest speed. It was fascinating--that old overland stagecoaching.
+
+We jumped out in undress uniform. The driver tossed his gathered reins
+out on the ground, gaped and stretched complacently, drew off his heavy
+buckskin gloves with great deliberation and insufferable dignity--taking
+not the slightest notice of a dozen solicitous inquires after his health,
+and humbly facetious and flattering accostings, and obsequious tenders of
+service, from five or six hairy and half-civilized station-keepers and
+hostlers who were nimbly unhitching our steeds and bringing the fresh
+team out of the stables--for in the eyes of the stage-driver of that day,
+station-keepers and hostlers were a sort of good enough low creatures,
+useful in their place, and helping to make up a world, but not the kind
+of beings which a person of distinction could afford to concern himself
+with; while, on the contrary, in the eyes of the station-keeper and the
+hostler, the stage-driver was a hero--a great and shining dignitary, the
+world's favorite son, the envy of the people, the observed of the
+nations. When they spoke to him they received his insolent silence
+meekly, and as being the natural and proper conduct of so great a man;
+when he opened his lips they all hung on his words with admiration (he
+never honored a particular individual with a remark, but addressed it
+with a broad generality to the horses, the stables, the surrounding
+country and the human underlings); when he discharged a facetious
+insulting personality at a hostler, that hostler was happy for the day;
+when he uttered his one jest--old as the hills, coarse, profane, witless,
+and inflicted on the same audience, in the same language, every time his
+coach drove up there--the varlets roared, and slapped their thighs, and
+swore it was the best thing they'd ever heard in all their lives. And
+how they would fly around when he wanted a basin of water, a gourd of the
+same, or a light for his pipe!--but they would instantly insult a
+passenger if he so far forgot himself as to crave a favor at their hands.
+They could do that sort of insolence as well as the driver they copied it
+from--for, let it be borne in mind, the overland driver had but little
+less contempt for his passengers than he had for his hostlers.
+
+The hostlers and station-keepers treated the really powerful conductor of
+the coach merely with the best of what was their idea of civility, but
+the driver was the only being they bowed down to and worshipped. How
+admiringly they would gaze up at him in his high seat as he gloved
+himself with lingering deliberation, while some happy hostler held the
+bunch of reins aloft, and waited patiently for him to take it! And how
+they would bombard him with glorifying ejaculations as he cracked his
+long whip and went careering away.
+
+The station buildings were long, low huts, made of sundried, mud-colored
+bricks, laid up without mortar (adobes, the Spaniards call these bricks,
+and Americans shorten it to 'dobies). The roofs, which had no slant to
+them worth speaking of, were thatched and then sodded or covered with a
+thick layer of earth, and from this sprung a pretty rank growth of weeds
+and grass. It was the first time we had ever seen a man's front yard on
+top of his house. The building consisted of barns, stable-room for
+twelve or fifteen horses, and a hut for an eating-room for passengers.
+This latter had bunks in it for the station-keeper and a hostler or two.
+You could rest your elbow on its eaves, and you had to bend in order to
+get in at the door. In place of a window there was a square hole about
+large enough for a man to crawl through, but this had no glass in it.
+There was no flooring, but the ground was packed hard. There was no
+stove, but the fire-place served all needful purposes. There were no
+shelves, no cupboards, no closets. In a corner stood an open sack of
+flour, and nestling against its base were a couple of black and venerable
+tin coffee-pots, a tin teapot, a little bag of salt, and a side of bacon.
+
+
+By the door of the station-keeper's den, outside, was a tin wash-basin,
+on the ground. Near it was a pail of water and a piece of yellow bar
+soap, and from the eaves hung a hoary blue woolen shirt, significantly
+--but this latter was the station-keeper's private towel, and only two
+persons in all the party might venture to use it--the stage-driver and
+the conductor. The latter would not, from a sense of decency; the former
+would not, because did not choose to encourage the advances of a
+station-keeper. We had towels--in the valise; they might as well have
+been in Sodom and Gomorrah. We (and the conductor) used our
+handkerchiefs, and the driver his pantaloons and sleeves. By the door,
+inside, was fastened a small old-fashioned looking-glass frame, with two
+little fragments of the original mirror lodged down in one corner of it.
+This arrangement afforded a pleasant double-barreled portrait of you when
+you looked into it, with one half of your head set up a couple of inches
+above the other half. From the glass frame hung the half of a comb by a
+string--but if I had to describe that patriarch or die, I believe I would
+order some sample coffins.
+
+It had come down from Esau and Samson, and had been accumulating hair
+ever since--along with certain impurities. In one corner of the room
+stood three or four rifles and muskets, together with horns and pouches
+of ammunition. The station-men wore pantaloons of coarse, country-woven
+stuff, and into the seat and the inside of the legs were sewed ample
+additions of buckskin, to do duty in place of leggings, when the man rode
+horseback--so the pants were half dull blue and half yellow, and
+unspeakably picturesque. The pants were stuffed into the tops of high
+boots, the heels whereof were armed with great Spanish spurs, whose
+little iron clogs and chains jingled with every step. The man wore a
+huge beard and mustachios, an old slouch hat, a blue woolen shirt, no
+suspenders, no vest, no coat--in a leathern sheath in his belt, a great
+long "navy" revolver (slung on right side, hammer to the front), and
+projecting from his boot a horn-handled bowie-knife. The furniture of
+the hut was neither gorgeous nor much in the way. The rocking-chairs and
+sofas were not present, and never had been, but they were represented by
+two three-legged stools, a pine-board bench four feet long, and two empty
+candle-boxes. The table was a greasy board on stilts, and the
+table-cloth and napkins had not come--and they were not looking for them,
+either. A battered tin platter, a knife and fork, and a tin pint cup,
+were at each man's place, and the driver had a queens-ware saucer that
+had seen better days. Of course this duke sat at the head of the table.
+There was one isolated piece of table furniture that bore about it a
+touching air of grandeur in misfortune. This was the caster. It was
+German silver, and crippled and rusty, but it was so preposterously out
+of place there that it was suggestive of a tattered exiled king among
+barbarians, and the majesty of its native position compelled respect even
+in its degradation.
+
+There was only one cruet left, and that was a stopperless, fly-specked,
+broken-necked thing, with two inches of vinegar in it, and a dozen
+preserved flies with their heels up and looking sorry they had invested
+there.
+
+The station-keeper upended a disk of last week's bread, of the shape and
+size of an old-time cheese, and carved some slabs from it which were as
+good as Nicholson pavement, and tenderer.
+
+He sliced off a piece of bacon for each man, but only the experienced old
+hands made out to eat it, for it was condemned army bacon which the
+United States would not feed to its soldiers in the forts, and the stage
+company had bought it cheap for the sustenance of their passengers and
+employees. We may have found this condemned army bacon further out on
+the plains than the section I am locating it in, but we found it--there
+is no gainsaying that.
+
+Then he poured for us a beverage which he called "Slum gullion," and it
+is hard to think he was not inspired when he named it. It really
+pretended to be tea, but there was too much dish-rag, and sand, and old
+bacon-rind in it to deceive the intelligent traveler.
+
+He had no sugar and no milk--not even a spoon to stir the ingredients
+with.
+
+We could not eat the bread or the meat, nor drink the "slumgullion." And
+when I looked at that melancholy vinegar-cruet, I thought of the anecdote
+(a very, very old one, even at that day) of the traveler who sat down to
+a table which had nothing on it but a mackerel and a pot of mustard. He
+asked the landlord if this was all. The landlord said:
+
+"All! Why, thunder and lightning, I should think there was mackerel
+enough there for six."
+
+"But I don't like mackerel."
+
+"Oh--then help yourself to the mustard."
+
+In other days I had considered it a good, a very good, anecdote, but
+there was a dismal plausibility about it, here, that took all the humor
+out of it.
+
+Our breakfast was before us, but our teeth were idle.
+
+I tasted and smelt, and said I would take coffee, I believed. The
+station-boss stopped dead still, and glared at me speechless. At last,
+when he came to, he turned away and said, as one who communes with
+himself upon a matter too vast to grasp:
+
+"Coffee! Well, if that don't go clean ahead of me, I'm d---d!"
+
+We could not eat, and there was no conversation among the hostlers and
+herdsmen--we all sat at the same board. At least there was no
+conversation further than a single hurried request, now and then, from
+one employee to another. It was always in the same form, and always
+gruffly friendly. Its western freshness and novelty startled me, at
+first, and interested me; but it presently grew monotonous, and lost its
+charm. It was:
+
+"Pass the bread, you son of a skunk!" No, I forget--skunk was not the
+word; it seems to me it was still stronger than that; I know it was, in
+fact, but it is gone from my memory, apparently. However, it is no
+matter--probably it was too strong for print, anyway. It is the landmark
+in my memory which tells me where I first encountered the vigorous new
+vernacular of the occidental plains and mountains.
+
+We gave up the breakfast, and paid our dollar apiece and went back to our
+mail-bag bed in the coach, and found comfort in our pipes. Right here we
+suffered the first diminution of our princely state. We left our six
+fine horses and took six mules in their place. But they were wild
+Mexican fellows, and a man had to stand at the head of each of them and
+hold him fast while the driver gloved and got himself ready. And when at
+last he grasped the reins and gave the word, the men sprung suddenly away
+from the mules' heads and the coach shot from the station as if it had
+issued from a cannon. How the frantic animals did scamper! It was a
+fierce and furious gallop--and the gait never altered for a moment till
+we reeled off ten or twelve miles and swept up to the next collection of
+little station-huts and stables.
+
+So we flew along all day. At 2 P.M. the belt of timber that fringes the
+North Platte and marks its windings through the vast level floor of the
+Plains came in sight. At 4 P.M. we crossed a branch of the river, and
+at 5 P.M. we crossed the Platte itself, and landed at Fort Kearney,
+fifty-six hours out from St. Joe--THREE HUNDRED MILES!
+
+Now that was stage-coaching on the great overland, ten or twelve years
+ago, when perhaps not more than ten men in America, all told, expected to
+live to see a railroad follow that route to the Pacific. But the
+railroad is there, now, and it pictures a thousand odd comparisons and
+contrasts in my mind to read the following sketch, in the New York Times,
+of a recent trip over almost the very ground I have been describing. I
+can scarcely comprehend the new state of things:
+
+ "ACROSS THE CONTINENT.
+
+ "At 4.20 P.M., Sunday, we rolled out of the station at Omaha, and
+ started westward on our long jaunt. A couple of hours out, dinner
+ was announced--an "event" to those of us who had yet to experience
+ what it is to eat in one of Pullman's hotels on wheels; so, stepping
+ into the car next forward of our sleeping palace, we found ourselves
+ in the dining-car. It was a revelation to us, that first dinner on
+ Sunday. And though we continued to dine for four days, and had as
+ many breakfasts and suppers, our whole party never ceased to admire
+ the perfection of the arrangements, and the marvelous results
+ achieved. Upon tables covered with snowy linen, and garnished with
+ services of solid silver, Ethiop waiters, flitting about in spotless
+ white, placed as by magic a repast at which Delmonico himself could
+ have had no occasion to blush; and, indeed, in some respects it
+ would be hard for that distinguished chef to match our menu; for, in
+ addition to all that ordinarily makes up a first-chop dinner, had we
+ not our antelope steak (the gormand who has not experienced this
+ --bah! what does he know of the feast of fat things?) our delicious
+ mountain-brook trout, and choice fruits and berries, and (sauce
+ piquant and unpurchasable!) our sweet-scented, appetite-compelling
+ air of the prairies?
+
+ "You may depend upon it, we all did justice to the good things, and
+ as we washed them down with bumpers of sparkling Krug, whilst we
+ sped along at the rate of thirty miles an hour, agreed it was the
+ fastest living we had ever experienced. (We beat that, however, two
+ days afterward when we made twenty-seven miles in twenty-seven
+ minutes, while our Champagne glasses filled to the brim spilled not
+ a drop!) After dinner we repaired to our drawing-room car, and, as
+ it was Sabbath eve, intoned some of the grand old hymns--"Praise God
+ from whom," etc.; "Shining Shore," "Coronation," etc.--the voices of
+ the men singers and of the women singers blending sweetly in the
+ evening air, while our train, with its great, glaring Polyphemus
+ eye, lighting up long vistas of prairie, rushed into the night and
+ the Wild. Then to bed in luxurious couches, where we slept the
+ sleep of the just and only awoke the next morning (Monday) at eight
+ o'clock, to find ourselves at the crossing of the North Platte,
+ three hundred miles from Omaha--fifteen hours and forty minutes
+ out."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+Another night of alternate tranquillity and turmoil. But morning came,
+by and by. It was another glad awakening to fresh breezes, vast expanses
+of level greensward, bright sunlight, an impressive solitude utterly
+without visible human beings or human habitations, and an atmosphere of
+such amazing magnifying properties that trees that seemed close at hand
+were more than three mile away. We resumed undress uniform, climbed
+a-top of the flying coach, dangled our legs over the side, shouted
+occasionally at our frantic mules, merely to see them lay their ears back
+and scamper faster, tied our hats on to keep our hair from blowing away,
+and leveled an outlook over the world-wide carpet about us for things new
+and strange to gaze at. Even at this day it thrills me through and
+through to think of the life, the gladness and the wild sense of freedom
+that used to make the blood dance in my veins on those fine overland
+mornings!
+
+Along about an hour after breakfast we saw the first prairie-dog
+villages, the first antelope, and the first wolf. If I remember rightly,
+this latter was the regular cayote (pronounced ky-o-te) of the farther
+deserts. And if it was, he was not a pretty creature or respectable
+either, for I got well acquainted with his race afterward, and can speak
+with confidence. The cayote is a long, slim, sick and sorry-looking
+skeleton, with a gray wolf-skin stretched over it, a tolerably bushy tail
+that forever sags down with a despairing expression of forsakenness and
+misery, a furtive and evil eye, and a long, sharp face, with slightly
+lifted lip and exposed teeth. He has a general slinking expression all
+over. The cayote is a living, breathing allegory of Want. He is always
+hungry.
+
+He is always poor, out of luck and friendless. The meanest creatures
+despise him, and even the fleas would desert him for a velocipede. He is
+so spiritless and cowardly that even while his exposed teeth are
+pretending a threat, the rest of his face is apologizing for it. And he
+is so homely!--so scrawny, and ribby, and coarse-haired, and pitiful.
+When he sees you he lifts his lip and lets a flash of his teeth out, and
+then turns a little out of the course he was pursuing, depresses his head
+a bit, and strikes a long, soft-footed trot through the sage-brush,
+glancing over his shoulder at you, from time to time, till he is about
+out of easy pistol range, and then he stops and takes a deliberate survey
+of you; he will trot fifty yards and stop again--another fifty and stop
+again; and finally the gray of his gliding body blends with the gray of
+the sage-brush, and he disappears. All this is when you make no
+demonstration against him; but if you do, he develops a livelier interest
+in his journey, and instantly electrifies his heels and puts such a deal
+of real estate between himself and your weapon, that by the time you have
+raised the hammer you see that you need a minie rifle, and by the time
+you have got him in line you need a rifled cannon, and by the time you
+have "drawn a bead" on him you see well enough that nothing but an
+unusually long-winded streak of lightning could reach him where he is
+now. But if you start a swift-footed dog after him, you will enjoy it
+ever so much--especially if it is a dog that has a good opinion of
+himself, and has been brought up to think he knows something about speed.
+
+The cayote will go swinging gently off on that deceitful trot of his, and
+every little while he will smile a fraudful smile over his shoulder that
+will fill that dog entirely full of encouragement and worldly ambition,
+and make him lay his head still lower to the ground, and stretch his neck
+further to the front, and pant more fiercely, and stick his tail out
+straighter behind, and move his furious legs with a yet wilder frenzy,
+and leave a broader and broader, and higher and denser cloud of desert
+sand smoking behind, and marking his long wake across the level plain!
+And all this time the dog is only a short twenty feet behind the cayote,
+and to save the soul of him he cannot understand why it is that he cannot
+get perceptibly closer; and he begins to get aggravated, and it makes him
+madder and madder to see how gently the cayote glides along and never
+pants or sweats or ceases to smile; and he grows still more and more
+incensed to see how shamefully he has been taken in by an entire
+stranger, and what an ignoble swindle that long, calm, soft-footed trot
+is; and next he notices that he is getting fagged, and that the cayote
+actually has to slacken speed a little to keep from running away from
+him--and then that town-dog is mad in earnest, and he begins to strain
+and weep and swear, and paw the sand higher than ever, and reach for the
+cayote with concentrated and desperate energy. This "spurt" finds him
+six feet behind the gliding enemy, and two miles from his friends. And
+then, in the instant that a wild new hope is lighting up his face, the
+cayote turns and smiles blandly upon him once more, and with a something
+about it which seems to say: "Well, I shall have to tear myself away from
+you, bub--business is business, and it will not do for me to be fooling
+along this way all day"--and forthwith there is a rushing sound, and the
+sudden splitting of a long crack through the atmosphere, and behold that
+dog is solitary and alone in the midst of a vast solitude!
+
+It makes his head swim. He stops, and looks all around; climbs the
+nearest sand-mound, and gazes into the distance; shakes his head
+reflectively, and then, without a word, he turns and jogs along back to
+his train, and takes up a humble position under the hindmost wagon, and
+feels unspeakably mean, and looks ashamed, and hangs his tail at
+half-mast for a week. And for as much as a year after that, whenever
+there is a great hue and cry after a cayote, that dog will merely glance
+in that direction without emotion, and apparently observe to himself,
+"I believe I do not wish any of the pie."
+
+The cayote lives chiefly in the most desolate and forbidding desert,
+along with the lizard, the jackass-rabbit and the raven, and gets an
+uncertain and precarious living, and earns it. He seems to subsist
+almost wholly on the carcases of oxen, mules and horses that have dropped
+out of emigrant trains and died, and upon windfalls of carrion, and
+occasional legacies of offal bequeathed to him by white men who have been
+opulent enough to have something better to butcher than condemned army
+bacon.
+
+He will eat anything in the world that his first cousins, the
+desert-frequenting tribes of Indians will, and they will eat anything
+they can bite. It is a curious fact that these latter are the only
+creatures known to history who will eat nitro-glycerine and ask for more
+if they survive.
+
+The cayote of the deserts beyond the Rocky Mountains has a peculiarly
+hard time of it, owing to the fact that his relations, the Indians, are
+just as apt to be the first to detect a seductive scent on the desert
+breeze, and follow the fragrance to the late ox it emanated from, as he
+is himself; and when this occurs he has to content himself with sitting
+off at a little distance watching those people strip off and dig out
+everything edible, and walk off with it. Then he and the waiting ravens
+explore the skeleton and polish the bones. It is considered that the
+cayote, and the obscene bird, and the Indian of the desert, testify their
+blood kinship with each other in that they live together in the waste
+places of the earth on terms of perfect confidence and friendship, while
+hating all other creature and yearning to assist at their funerals. He
+does not mind going a hundred miles to breakfast, and a hundred and fifty
+to dinner, because he is sure to have three or four days between meals,
+and he can just as well be traveling and looking at the scenery as lying
+around doing nothing and adding to the burdens of his parents.
+
+We soon learned to recognize the sharp, vicious bark of the cayote as it
+came across the murky plain at night to disturb our dreams among the
+mail-sacks; and remembering his forlorn aspect and his hard fortune, made
+shift to wish him the blessed novelty of a long day's good luck and a
+limitless larder the morrow.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+Our new conductor (just shipped) had been without sleep for twenty hours.
+Such a thing was very frequent. From St. Joseph, Missouri, to
+Sacramento, California, by stage-coach, was nearly nineteen hundred
+miles, and the trip was often made in fifteen days (the cars do it in
+four and a half, now), but the time specified in the mail contracts, and
+required by the schedule, was eighteen or nineteen days, if I remember
+rightly. This was to make fair allowance for winter storms and snows,
+and other unavoidable causes of detention. The stage company had
+everything under strict discipline and good system. Over each two
+hundred and fifty miles of road they placed an agent or superintendent,
+and invested him with great authority. His beat or jurisdiction of two
+hundred and fifty miles was called a "division." He purchased horses,
+mules harness, and food for men and beasts, and distributed these things
+among his stage stations, from time to time, according to his judgment of
+what each station needed. He erected station buildings and dug wells.
+He attended to the paying of the station-keepers, hostlers, drivers and
+blacksmiths, and discharged them whenever he chose. He was a very, very
+great man in his "division"--a kind of Grand Mogul, a Sultan of the
+Indies, in whose presence common men were modest of speech and manner,
+and in the glare of whose greatness even the dazzling stage-driver
+dwindled to a penny dip. There were about eight of these kings, all
+told, on the overland route.
+
+Next in rank and importance to the division-agent came the "conductor."
+His beat was the same length as the agent's--two hundred and fifty miles.
+He sat with the driver, and (when necessary) rode that fearful distance,
+night and day, without other rest or sleep than what he could get perched
+thus on top of the flying vehicle. Think of it! He had absolute charge
+of the mails, express matter, passengers and stage, coach, until he
+delivered them to the next conductor, and got his receipt for them.
+
+Consequently he had to be a man of intelligence, decision and
+considerable executive ability. He was usually a quiet, pleasant man,
+who attended closely to his duties, and was a good deal of a gentleman.
+It was not absolutely necessary that the division-agent should be a
+gentleman, and occasionally he wasn't. But he was always a general in
+administrative ability, and a bull-dog in courage and determination
+--otherwise the chieftainship over the lawless underlings of the overland
+service would never in any instance have been to him anything but an
+equivalent for a month of insolence and distress and a bullet and a
+coffin at the end of it. There were about sixteen or eighteen conductors
+on the overland, for there was a daily stage each way, and a conductor on
+every stage.
+
+Next in real and official rank and importance, after the conductor, came
+my delight, the driver--next in real but not in apparent importance--for
+we have seen that in the eyes of the common herd the driver was to the
+conductor as an admiral is to the captain of the flag-ship. The driver's
+beat was pretty long, and his sleeping-time at the stations pretty short,
+sometimes; and so, but for the grandeur of his position his would have
+been a sorry life, as well as a hard and a wearing one. We took a new
+driver every day or every night (for they drove backward and forward over
+the same piece of road all the time), and therefore we never got as well
+acquainted with them as we did with the conductors; and besides, they
+would have been above being familiar with such rubbish as passengers,
+anyhow, as a general thing. Still, we were always eager to get a sight
+of each and every new driver as soon as the watch changed, for each and
+every day we were either anxious to get rid of an unpleasant one, or
+loath to part with a driver we had learned to like and had come to be
+sociable and friendly with. And so the first question we asked the
+conductor whenever we got to where we were to exchange drivers, was
+always, "Which is him?" The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not
+know, then, that it would go into a book some day. As long as everything
+went smoothly, the overland driver was well enough situated, but if a
+fellow driver got sick suddenly it made trouble, for the coach must go
+on, and so the potentate who was about to climb down and take a luxurious
+rest after his long night's siege in the midst of wind and rain and
+darkness, had to stay where he was and do the sick man's work. Once, in
+the Rocky Mountains, when I found a driver sound asleep on the box, and
+the mules going at the usual break-neck pace, the conductor said never
+mind him, there was no danger, and he was doing double duty--had driven
+seventy-five miles on one coach, and was now going back over it on this
+without rest or sleep. A hundred and fifty miles of holding back of six
+vindictive mules and keeping them from climbing the trees! It sounds
+incredible, but I remember the statement well enough.
+
+The station-keepers, hostlers, etc., were low, rough characters, as
+already described; and from western Nebraska to Nevada a considerable
+sprinkling of them might be fairly set down as outlaws--fugitives from
+justice, criminals whose best security was a section of country which was
+without law and without even the pretence of it. When the
+"division-agent" issued an order to one of these parties he did it with
+the full understanding that he might have to enforce it with a navy
+six-shooter, and so he always went "fixed" to make things go along
+smoothly.
+
+Now and then a division-agent was really obliged to shoot a hostler
+through the head to teach him some simple matter that he could have
+taught him with a club if his circumstances and surroundings had been
+different. But they were snappy, able men, those division-agents, and
+when they tried to teach a subordinate anything, that subordinate
+generally "got it through his head."
+
+A great portion of this vast machinery--these hundreds of men and
+coaches, and thousands of mules and horses--was in the hands of Mr. Ben
+Holliday. All the western half of the business was in his hands. This
+reminds me of an incident of Palestine travel which is pertinent here, so
+I will transfer it just in the language in which I find it set down in my
+Holy Land note-book:
+
+ No doubt everybody has heard of Ben Holliday--a man of prodigious
+ energy, who used to send mails and passengers flying across the
+ continent in his overland stage-coaches like a very whirlwind--two
+ thousand long miles in fifteen days and a half, by the watch! But
+ this fragment of history is not about Ben Holliday, but about a
+ young New York boy by the name of Jack, who traveled with our small
+ party of pilgrims in the Holy Land (and who had traveled to
+ California in Mr. Holliday's overland coaches three years before,
+ and had by no means forgotten it or lost his gushing admiration of
+ Mr. H.) Aged nineteen. Jack was a good boy--a good-hearted and
+ always well-meaning boy, who had been reared in the city of New
+ York, and although he was bright and knew a great many useful
+ things, his Scriptural education had been a good deal neglected--to
+ such a degree, indeed, that all Holy Land history was fresh and new
+ to him, and all Bible names mysteries that had never disturbed his
+ virgin ear.
+
+ Also in our party was an elderly pilgrim who was the reverse of
+ Jack, in that he was learned in the Scriptures and an enthusiast
+ concerning them. He was our encyclopedia, and we were never tired
+ of listening to his speeches, nor he of making them. He never
+ passed a celebrated locality, from Bashan to Bethlehem, without
+ illuminating it with an oration. One day, when camped near the
+ ruins of Jericho, he burst forth with something like this:
+
+ "Jack, do you see that range of mountains over yonder that bounds
+ the Jordan valley? The mountains of Moab, Jack! Think of it, my
+ boy--the actual mountains of Moab--renowned in Scripture history!
+ We are actually standing face to face with those illustrious crags
+ and peaks--and for all we know" [dropping his voice impressively],
+ "our eyes may be resting at this very moment upon the spot WHERE
+ LIES THE MYSTERIOUS GRAVE OF MOSES! Think of it, Jack!"
+
+ "Moses who?" (falling inflection).
+
+ "Moses who! Jack, you ought to be ashamed of yourself--you ought to
+ be ashamed of such criminal ignorance. Why, Moses, the great guide,
+ soldier, poet, lawgiver of ancient Israel! Jack, from this spot
+ where we stand, to Egypt, stretches a fearful desert three hundred
+ miles in extent--and across that desert that wonderful man brought
+ the children of Israel!--guiding them with unfailing sagacity for
+ forty years over the sandy desolation and among the obstructing
+ rocks and hills, and landed them at last, safe and sound, within
+ sight of this very spot; and where we now stand they entered the
+ Promised Land with anthems of rejoicing! It was a wonderful,
+ wonderful thing to do, Jack! Think of it!"
+
+ "Forty years? Only three hundred miles? Humph! Ben Holliday would
+ have fetched them through in thirty-six hours!"
+
+The boy meant no harm. He did not know that he had said anything that
+was wrong or irreverent. And so no one scolded him or felt offended with
+him--and nobody could but some ungenerous spirit incapable of excusing
+the heedless blunders of a boy.
+
+At noon on the fifth day out, we arrived at the "Crossing of the South
+Platte," alias "Julesburg," alias "Overland City," four hundred and
+seventy miles from St. Joseph--the strangest, quaintest, funniest
+frontier town that our untraveled eyes had ever stared at and been
+astonished with.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+It did seem strange enough to see a town again after what appeared to us
+such a long acquaintance with deep, still, almost lifeless and houseless
+solitude! We tumbled out into the busy street feeling like meteoric
+people crumbled off the corner of some other world, and wakened up
+suddenly in this. For an hour we took as much interest in Overland City
+as if we had never seen a town before. The reason we had an hour to
+spare was because we had to change our stage (for a less sumptuous
+affair, called a "mud-wagon") and transfer our freight of mails.
+
+Presently we got under way again. We came to the shallow, yellow, muddy
+South Platte, with its low banks and its scattering flat sand-bars and
+pigmy islands--a melancholy stream straggling through the centre of the
+enormous flat plain, and only saved from being impossible to find with
+the naked eye by its sentinel rank of scattering trees standing on either
+bank. The Platte was "up," they said--which made me wish I could see it
+when it was down, if it could look any sicker and sorrier. They said it
+was a dangerous stream to cross, now, because its quicksands were liable
+to swallow up horses, coach and passengers if an attempt was made to ford
+it. But the mails had to go, and we made the attempt. Once or twice in
+midstream the wheels sunk into the yielding sands so threateningly that
+we half believed we had dreaded and avoided the sea all our lives to be
+shipwrecked in a "mud-wagon" in the middle of a desert at last. But we
+dragged through and sped away toward the setting sun.
+
+Next morning, just before dawn, when about five hundred and fifty miles
+from St. Joseph, our mud-wagon broke down. We were to be delayed five or
+six hours, and therefore we took horses, by invitation, and joined a
+party who were just starting on a buffalo hunt. It was noble sport
+galloping over the plain in the dewy freshness of the morning, but our
+part of the hunt ended in disaster and disgrace, for a wounded buffalo
+bull chased the passenger Bemis nearly two miles, and then he forsook his
+horse and took to a lone tree. He was very sullen about the matter for
+some twenty-four hours, but at last he began to soften little by little,
+and finally he said:
+
+"Well, it was not funny, and there was no sense in those gawks making
+themselves so facetious over it. I tell you I was angry in earnest for
+awhile. I should have shot that long gangly lubber they called Hank, if
+I could have done it without crippling six or seven other people--but of
+course I couldn't, the old 'Allen's' so confounded comprehensive. I wish
+those loafers had been up in the tree; they wouldn't have wanted to laugh
+so. If I had had a horse worth a cent--but no, the minute he saw that
+buffalo bull wheel on him and give a bellow, he raised straight up in the
+air and stood on his heels. The saddle began to slip, and I took him
+round the neck and laid close to him, and began to pray. Then he came
+down and stood up on the other end awhile, and the bull actually stopped
+pawing sand and bellowing to contemplate the inhuman spectacle.
+
+"Then the bull made a pass at him and uttered a bellow that sounded
+perfectly frightful, it was so close to me, and that seemed to literally
+prostrate my horse's reason, and make a raving distracted maniac of him,
+and I wish I may die if he didn't stand on his head for a quarter of a
+minute and shed tears. He was absolutely out of his mind--he was, as
+sure as truth itself, and he really didn't know what he was doing. Then
+the bull came charging at us, and my horse dropped down on all fours and
+took a fresh start--and then for the next ten minutes he would actually
+throw one hand-spring after another so fast that the bull began to get
+unsettled, too, and didn't know where to start in--and so he stood there
+sneezing, and shovelling dust over his back, and bellowing every now and
+then, and thinking he had got a fifteen-hundred dollar circus horse for
+breakfast, certain. Well, I was first out on his neck--the horse's, not
+the bull's--and then underneath, and next on his rump, and sometimes head
+up, and sometimes heels--but I tell you it seemed solemn and awful to be
+ripping and tearing and carrying on so in the presence of death, as you
+might say. Pretty soon the bull made a snatch for us and brought away
+some of my horse's tail (I suppose, but do not know, being pretty busy at
+the time), but something made him hungry for solitude and suggested to
+him to get up and hunt for it.
+
+"And then you ought to have seen that spider legged old skeleton go! and
+you ought to have seen the bull cut out after him, too--head down, tongue
+out, tail up, bellowing like everything, and actually mowing down the
+weeds, and tearing up the earth, and boosting up the sand like a
+whirlwind! By George, it was a hot race! I and the saddle were back on
+the rump, and I had the bridle in my teeth and holding on to the pommel
+with both hands. First we left the dogs behind; then we passed a jackass
+rabbit; then we overtook a cayote, and were gaining on an antelope when
+the rotten girth let go and threw me about thirty yards off to the left,
+and as the saddle went down over the horse's rump he gave it a lift with
+his heels that sent it more than four hundred yards up in the air, I wish
+I may die in a minute if he didn't. I fell at the foot of the only
+solitary tree there was in nine counties adjacent (as any creature could
+see with the naked eye), and the next second I had hold of the bark with
+four sets of nails and my teeth, and the next second after that I was
+astraddle of the main limb and blaspheming my luck in a way that made my
+breath smell of brimstone. I had the bull, now, if he did not think of
+one thing. But that one thing I dreaded. I dreaded it very seriously.
+There was a possibility that the bull might not think of it, but there
+were greater chances that he would. I made up my mind what I would do in
+case he did. It was a little over forty feet to the ground from where I
+sat. I cautiously unwound the lariat from the pommel of my saddle----"
+
+"Your saddle? Did you take your saddle up in the tree with you?"
+
+"Take it up in the tree with me? Why, how you talk. Of course I didn't.
+No man could do that. It fell in the tree when it came down."
+
+"Oh--exactly."
+
+"Certainly. I unwound the lariat, and fastened one end of it to the
+limb. It was the very best green raw-hide, and capable of sustaining
+tons. I made a slip-noose in the other end, and then hung it down to see
+the length. It reached down twenty-two feet--half way to the ground.
+I then loaded every barrel of the Allen with a double charge. I felt
+satisfied. I said to myself, if he never thinks of that one thing that I
+dread, all right--but if he does, all right anyhow--I am fixed for him.
+But don't you know that the very thing a man dreads is the thing that
+always happens? Indeed it is so. I watched the bull, now, with anxiety
+--anxiety which no one can conceive of who has not been in such a
+situation and felt that at any moment death might come. Presently a
+thought came into the bull's eye. I knew it! said I--if my nerve fails
+now, I am lost. Sure enough, it was just as I had dreaded, he started in
+to climb the tree----"
+
+"What, the bull?"
+
+"Of course--who else?"
+
+"But a bull can't climb a tree."
+
+"He can't, can't he? Since you know so much about it, did you ever see a
+bull try?"
+
+"No! I never dreamt of such a thing."
+
+"Well, then, what is the use of your talking that way, then? Because you
+never saw a thing done, is that any reason why it can't be done?"
+
+"Well, all right--go on. What did you do?"
+
+"The bull started up, and got along well for about ten feet, then slipped
+and slid back. I breathed easier. He tried it again--got up a little
+higher--slipped again. But he came at it once more, and this time he was
+careful. He got gradually higher and higher, and my spirits went down
+more and more. Up he came--an inch at a time--with his eyes hot, and his
+tongue hanging out. Higher and higher--hitched his foot over the stump
+of a limb, and looked up, as much as to say, 'You are my meat, friend.'
+Up again--higher and higher, and getting more excited the closer he got.
+He was within ten feet of me! I took a long breath,--and then said I,
+'It is now or never.' I had the coil of the lariat all ready; I paid it
+out slowly, till it hung right over his head; all of a sudden I let go of
+the slack, and the slipnoose fell fairly round his neck! Quicker than
+lightning I out with the Allen and let him have it in the face. It was
+an awful roar, and must have scared the bull out of his senses. When the
+smoke cleared away, there he was, dangling in the air, twenty foot from
+the ground, and going out of one convulsion into another faster than you
+could count! I didn't stop to count, anyhow--I shinned down the tree and
+shot for home."
+
+"Bemis, is all that true, just as you have stated it?"
+
+"I wish I may rot in my tracks and die the death of a dog if it isn't."
+
+"Well, we can't refuse to believe it, and we don't. But if there were
+some proofs----"
+
+"Proofs! Did I bring back my lariat?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Did I bring back my horse?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Did you ever see the bull again?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Well, then, what more do you want? I never saw anybody as particular as
+you are about a little thing like that."
+
+I made up my mind that if this man was not a liar he only missed it by
+the skin of his teeth. This episode reminds me of an incident of my
+brief sojourn in Siam, years afterward. The European citizens of a town
+in the neighborhood of Bangkok had a prodigy among them by the name of
+Eckert, an Englishman--a person famous for the number, ingenuity and
+imposing magnitude of his lies. They were always repeating his most
+celebrated falsehoods, and always trying to "draw him out" before
+strangers; but they seldom succeeded. Twice he was invited to the house
+where I was visiting, but nothing could seduce him into a specimen lie.
+One day a planter named Bascom, an influential man, and a proud and
+sometimes irascible one, invited me to ride over with him and call on
+Eckert. As we jogged along, said he:
+
+"Now, do you know where the fault lies? It lies in putting Eckert on his
+guard. The minute the boys go to pumping at Eckert he knows perfectly
+well what they are after, and of course he shuts up his shell. Anybody
+might know he would. But when we get there, we must play him finer than
+that. Let him shape the conversation to suit himself--let him drop it or
+change it whenever he wants to. Let him see that nobody is trying to
+draw him out. Just let him have his own way. He will soon forget
+himself and begin to grind out lies like a mill. Don't get impatient
+--just keep quiet, and let me play him. I will make him lie. It does seem
+to me that the boys must be blind to overlook such an obvious and simple
+trick as that."
+
+Eckert received us heartily--a pleasant-spoken, gentle-mannered creature.
+We sat in the veranda an hour, sipping English ale, and talking about the
+king, and the sacred white elephant, the Sleeping Idol, and all manner of
+things; and I noticed that my comrade never led the conversation himself
+or shaped it, but simply followed Eckert's lead, and betrayed no
+solicitude and no anxiety about anything. The effect was shortly
+perceptible. Eckert began to grow communicative; he grew more and more
+at his ease, and more and more talkative and sociable. Another hour
+passed in the same way, and then all of a sudden Eckert said:
+
+"Oh, by the way! I came near forgetting. I have got a thing here to
+astonish you. Such a thing as neither you nor any other man ever heard
+of--I've got a cat that will eat cocoanut! Common green cocoanut--and
+not only eat the meat, but drink the milk. It is so--I'll swear to it."
+
+A quick glance from Bascom--a glance that I understood--then:
+
+"Why, bless my soul, I never heard of such a thing. Man, it is
+impossible."
+
+"I knew you would say it. I'll fetch the cat."
+
+He went in the house. Bascom said:
+
+"There--what did I tell you? Now, that is the way to handle Eckert. You
+see, I have petted him along patiently, and put his suspicions to sleep.
+I am glad we came. You tell the boys about it when you go back. Cat eat
+a cocoanut--oh, my! Now, that is just his way, exactly--he will tell the
+absurdest lie, and trust to luck to get out of it again.
+
+"Cat eat a cocoanut--the innocent fool!"
+
+Eckert approached with his cat, sure enough.
+
+Bascom smiled. Said he:
+
+"I'll hold the cat--you bring a cocoanut."
+
+Eckert split one open, and chopped up some pieces. Bascom smuggled a
+wink to me, and proffered a slice of the fruit to puss. She snatched it,
+swallowed it ravenously, and asked for more!
+
+We rode our two miles in silence, and wide apart. At least I was silent,
+though Bascom cuffed his horse and cursed him a good deal,
+notwithstanding the horse was behaving well enough. When I branched off
+homeward, Bascom said:
+
+"Keep the horse till morning. And--you need not speak of this
+--foolishness to the boys."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+In a little while all interest was taken up in stretching our necks and
+watching for the "pony-rider"--the fleet messenger who sped across the
+continent from St. Joe to Sacramento, carrying letters nineteen hundred
+miles in eight days! Think of that for perishable horse and human flesh
+and blood to do! The pony-rider was usually a little bit of a man,
+brimful of spirit and endurance. No matter what time of the day or night
+his watch came on, and no matter whether it was winter or summer,
+raining, snowing, hailing, or sleeting, or whether his "beat" was a level
+straight road or a crazy trail over mountain crags and precipices, or
+whether it led through peaceful regions or regions that swarmed with
+hostile Indians, he must be always ready to leap into the saddle and be
+off like the wind! There was no idling-time for a pony-rider on duty.
+He rode fifty miles without stopping, by daylight, moonlight, starlight,
+or through the blackness of darkness--just as it happened. He rode a
+splendid horse that was born for a racer and fed and lodged like a
+gentleman; kept him at his utmost speed for ten miles, and then, as he
+came crashing up to the station where stood two men holding fast a fresh,
+impatient steed, the transfer of rider and mail-bag was made in the
+twinkling of an eye, and away flew the eager pair and were out of sight
+before the spectator could get hardly the ghost of a look. Both rider
+and horse went "flying light." The rider's dress was thin, and fitted
+close; he wore a "round-about," and a skull-cap, and tucked his
+pantaloons into his boot-tops like a race-rider. He carried no arms--he
+carried nothing that was not absolutely necessary, for even the postage
+on his literary freight was worth five dollars a letter.
+
+He got but little frivolous correspondence to carry--his bag had business
+letters in it, mostly. His horse was stripped of all unnecessary weight,
+too. He wore a little wafer of a racing-saddle, and no visible blanket.
+He wore light shoes, or none at all. The little flat mail-pockets
+strapped under the rider's thighs would each hold about the bulk of a
+child's primer. They held many and many an important business chapter
+and newspaper letter, but these were written on paper as airy and thin as
+gold-leaf, nearly, and thus bulk and weight were economized. The
+stage-coach traveled about a hundred to a hundred and twenty-five miles
+a day (twenty-four hours), the pony-rider about two hundred and fifty.
+There were about eighty pony-riders in the saddle all the time, night and
+day, stretching in a long, scattering procession from Missouri to
+California, forty flying eastward, and forty toward the west, and among
+them making four hundred gallant horses earn a stirring livelihood and
+see a deal of scenery every single day in the year.
+
+We had had a consuming desire, from the beginning, to see a pony-rider,
+but somehow or other all that passed us and all that met us managed to
+streak by in the night, and so we heard only a whiz and a hail, and the
+swift phantom of the desert was gone before we could get our heads out of
+the windows. But now we were expecting one along every moment, and would
+see him in broad daylight. Presently the driver exclaims:
+
+"HERE HE COMES!"
+
+Every neck is stretched further, and every eye strained wider. Away
+across the endless dead level of the prairie a black speck appears
+against the sky, and it is plain that it moves. Well, I should think so!
+
+In a second or two it becomes a horse and rider, rising and falling,
+rising and falling--sweeping toward us nearer and nearer--growing more
+and more distinct, more and more sharply defined--nearer and still
+nearer, and the flutter of the hoofs comes faintly to the ear--another
+instant a whoop and a hurrah from our upper deck, a wave of the rider's
+hand, but no reply, and man and horse burst past our excited faces, and
+go winging away like a belated fragment of a storm!
+
+So sudden is it all, and so like a flash of unreal fancy, that but for
+the flake of white foam left quivering and perishing on a mail-sack after
+the vision had flashed by and disappeared, we might have doubted whether
+we had seen any actual horse and man at all, maybe.
+
+We rattled through Scott's Bluffs Pass, by and by. It was along here
+somewhere that we first came across genuine and unmistakable alkali water
+in the road, and we cordially hailed it as a first-class curiosity, and a
+thing to be mentioned with eclat in letters to the ignorant at home.
+This water gave the road a soapy appearance, and in many places the
+ground looked as if it had been whitewashed. I think the strange alkali
+water excited us as much as any wonder we had come upon yet, and I know
+we felt very complacent and conceited, and better satisfied with life
+after we had added it to our list of things which we had seen and some
+other people had not. In a small way we were the same sort of simpletons
+as those who climb unnecessarily the perilous peaks of Mont Blanc and the
+Matterhorn, and derive no pleasure from it except the reflection that it
+isn't a common experience. But once in a while one of those parties
+trips and comes darting down the long mountain-crags in a sitting
+posture, making the crusted snow smoke behind him, flitting from bench to
+bench, and from terrace to terrace, jarring the earth where he strikes,
+and still glancing and flitting on again, sticking an iceberg into
+himself every now and then, and tearing his clothes, snatching at things
+to save himself, taking hold of trees and fetching them along with him,
+roots and all, starting little rocks now and then, then big boulders,
+then acres of ice and snow and patches of forest, gathering and still
+gathering as he goes, adding and still adding to his massed and sweeping
+grandeur as he nears a three thousand-foot precipice, till at last he
+waves his hat magnificently and rides into eternity on the back of a
+raging and tossing avalanche!
+
+This is all very fine, but let us not be carried away by excitement, but
+ask calmly, how does this person feel about it in his cooler moments next
+day, with six or seven thousand feet of snow and stuff on top of him?
+
+We crossed the sand hills near the scene of the Indian mail robbery and
+massacre of 1856, wherein the driver and conductor perished, and also all
+the passengers but one, it was supposed; but this must have been a
+mistake, for at different times afterward on the Pacific coast I was
+personally acquainted with a hundred and thirty-three or four people who
+were wounded during that massacre, and barely escaped with their lives.
+There was no doubt of the truth of it--I had it from their own lips. One
+of these parties told me that he kept coming across arrow-heads in his
+system for nearly seven years after the massacre; and another of them
+told me that he was struck so literally full of arrows that after the
+Indians were gone and he could raise up and examine himself, he could not
+restrain his tears, for his clothes were completely ruined.
+
+The most trustworthy tradition avers, however, that only one man, a
+person named Babbitt, survived the massacre, and he was desperately
+wounded. He dragged himself on his hands and knee (for one leg was
+broken) to a station several miles away. He did it during portions of
+two nights, lying concealed one day and part of another, and for more
+than forty hours suffering unimaginable anguish from hunger, thirst and
+bodily pain. The Indians robbed the coach of everything it contained,
+including quite an amount of treasure.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+We passed Fort Laramie in the night, and on the seventh morning out we
+found ourselves in the Black Hills, with Laramie Peak at our elbow
+(apparently) looming vast and solitary--a deep, dark, rich indigo blue in
+hue, so portentously did the old colossus frown under his beetling brows
+of storm-cloud. He was thirty or forty miles away, in reality, but he
+only seemed removed a little beyond the low ridge at our right. We
+breakfasted at Horse-Shoe Station, six hundred and seventy-six miles out
+from St. Joseph. We had now reached a hostile Indian country, and during
+the afternoon we passed Laparelle Station, and enjoyed great discomfort
+all the time we were in the neighborhood, being aware that many of the
+trees we dashed by at arm's length concealed a lurking Indian or two.
+During the preceding night an ambushed savage had sent a bullet through
+the pony-rider's jacket, but he had ridden on, just the same, because
+pony-riders were not allowed to stop and inquire into such things except
+when killed. As long as they had life enough left in them they had to
+stick to the horse and ride, even if the Indians had been waiting for
+them a week, and were entirely out of patience. About two hours and a
+half before we arrived at Laparelle Station, the keeper in charge of it
+had fired four times at an Indian, but he said with an injured air that
+the Indian had "skipped around so's to spile everything--and ammunition's
+blamed skurse, too." The most natural inference conveyed by his manner of
+speaking was, that in "skipping around," the Indian had taken an unfair
+advantage.
+
+The coach we were in had a neat hole through its front--a reminiscence of
+its last trip through this region. The bullet that made it wounded the
+driver slightly, but he did not mind it much. He said the place to keep
+a man "huffy" was down on the Southern Overland, among the Apaches,
+before the company moved the stage line up on the northern route. He
+said the Apaches used to annoy him all the time down there, and that he
+came as near as anything to starving to death in the midst of abundance,
+because they kept him so leaky with bullet holes that he "couldn't hold
+his vittles."
+
+This person's statement were not generally believed.
+
+We shut the blinds down very tightly that first night in the hostile
+Indian country, and lay on our arms. We slept on them some, but most of
+the time we only lay on them. We did not talk much, but kept quiet and
+listened. It was an inky-black night, and occasionally rainy. We were
+among woods and rocks, hills and gorges--so shut in, in fact, that when
+we peeped through a chink in a curtain, we could discern nothing. The
+driver and conductor on top were still, too, or only spoke at long
+intervals, in low tones, as is the way of men in the midst of invisible
+dangers. We listened to rain-drops pattering on the roof; and the
+grinding of the wheels through the muddy gravel; and the low wailing of
+the wind; and all the time we had that absurd sense upon us, inseparable
+from travel at night in a close-curtained vehicle, the sense of remaining
+perfectly still in one place, notwithstanding the jolting and swaying of
+the vehicle, the trampling of the horses, and the grinding of the wheels.
+We listened a long time, with intent faculties and bated breath; every
+time one of us would relax, and draw a long sigh of relief and start to
+say something, a comrade would be sure to utter a sudden "Hark!" and
+instantly the experimenter was rigid and listening again. So the
+tiresome minutes and decades of minutes dragged away, until at last our
+tense forms filmed over with a dulled consciousness, and we slept, if one
+might call such a condition by so strong a name--for it was a sleep set
+with a hair-trigger. It was a sleep seething and teeming with a weird
+and distressful confusion of shreds and fag-ends of dreams--a sleep that
+was a chaos. Presently, dreams and sleep and the sullen hush of the
+night were startled by a ringing report, and cloven by such a long, wild,
+agonizing shriek! Then we heard--ten steps from the stage--
+
+"Help! help! help!" [It was our driver's voice.]
+
+"Kill him! Kill him like a dog!"
+
+"I'm being murdered! Will no man lend me a pistol?"
+
+"Look out! head him off! head him off!"
+
+[Two pistol shots; a confusion of voices and the trampling of many feet,
+as if a crowd were closing and surging together around some object;
+several heavy, dull blows, as with a club; a voice that said appealingly,
+"Don't, gentlemen, please don't--I'm a dead man!" Then a fainter groan,
+and another blow, and away sped the stage into the darkness, and left the
+grisly mystery behind us.]
+
+What a startle it was! Eight seconds would amply cover the time it
+occupied--maybe even five would do it. We only had time to plunge at a
+curtain and unbuckle and unbutton part of it in an awkward and hindering
+flurry, when our whip cracked sharply overhead, and we went rumbling and
+thundering away, down a mountain "grade."
+
+We fed on that mystery the rest of the night--what was left of it, for it
+was waning fast. It had to remain a present mystery, for all we could
+get from the conductor in answer to our hails was something that sounded,
+through the clatter of the wheels, like "Tell you in the morning!"
+
+So we lit our pipes and opened the corner of a curtain for a chimney, and
+lay there in the dark, listening to each other's story of how he first
+felt and how many thousand Indians he first thought had hurled themselves
+upon us, and what his remembrance of the subsequent sounds was, and the
+order of their occurrence. And we theorized, too, but there was never a
+theory that would account for our driver's voice being out there, nor yet
+account for his Indian murderers talking such good English, if they were
+Indians.
+
+So we chatted and smoked the rest of the night comfortably away, our
+boding anxiety being somehow marvelously dissipated by the real presence
+of something to be anxious about.
+
+We never did get much satisfaction about that dark occurrence. All that
+we could make out of the odds and ends of the information we gathered in
+the morning, was that the disturbance occurred at a station; that we
+changed drivers there, and that the driver that got off there had been
+talking roughly about some of the outlaws that infested the region ("for
+there wasn't a man around there but had a price on his head and didn't
+dare show himself in the settlements," the conductor said); he had talked
+roughly about these characters, and ought to have "drove up there with
+his pistol cocked and ready on the seat alongside of him, and begun
+business himself, because any softy would know they would be laying for
+him."
+
+That was all we could gather, and we could see that neither the conductor
+nor the new driver were much concerned about the matter. They plainly
+had little respect for a man who would deliver offensive opinions of
+people and then be so simple as to come into their presence unprepared to
+"back his judgment," as they pleasantly phrased the killing of any
+fellow-being who did not like said opinions. And likewise they plainly
+had a contempt for the man's poor discretion in venturing to rouse the
+wrath of such utterly reckless wild beasts as those outlaws--and the
+conductor added:
+
+"I tell you it's as much as Slade himself want to do!"
+
+This remark created an entire revolution in my curiosity. I cared
+nothing now about the Indians, and even lost interest in the murdered
+driver. There was such magic in that name, SLADE! Day or night, now, I
+stood always ready to drop any subject in hand, to listen to something
+new about Slade and his ghastly exploits. Even before we got to Overland
+City, we had begun to hear about Slade and his "division" (for he was a
+"division-agent") on the Overland; and from the hour we had left Overland
+City we had heard drivers and conductors talk about only three things
+--"Californy," the Nevada silver mines, and this desperado Slade. And a
+deal the most of the talk was about Slade. We had gradually come to have
+a realizing sense of the fact that Slade was a man whose heart and hands
+and soul were steeped in the blood of offenders against his dignity; a
+man who awfully avenged all injuries, affront, insults or slights, of
+whatever kind--on the spot if he could, years afterward if lack of
+earlier opportunity compelled it; a man whose hate tortured him day and
+night till vengeance appeased it--and not an ordinary vengeance either,
+but his enemy's absolute death--nothing less; a man whose face would
+light up with a terrible joy when he surprised a foe and had him at a
+disadvantage. A high and efficient servant of the Overland, an outlaw
+among outlaws and yet their relentless scourge, Slade was at once the
+most bloody, the most dangerous and the most valuable citizen that
+inhabited the savage fastnesses of the mountains.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+Really and truly, two thirds of the talk of drivers and conductors had
+been about this man Slade, ever since the day before we reached
+Julesburg. In order that the eastern reader may have a clear conception
+of what a Rocky Mountain desperado is, in his highest state of
+development, I will reduce all this mass of overland gossip to one
+straightforward narrative, and present it in the following shape:
+
+Slade was born in Illinois, of good parentage. At about twenty-six years
+of age he killed a man in a quarrel and fled the country. At St. Joseph,
+Missouri, he joined one of the early California-bound emigrant trains,
+and was given the post of train-master. One day on the plains he had an
+angry dispute with one of his wagon-drivers, and both drew their
+revolvers. But the driver was the quicker artist, and had his weapon
+cocked first. So Slade said it was a pity to waste life on so small a
+matter, and proposed that the pistols be thrown on the ground and the
+quarrel settled by a fist-fight. The unsuspecting driver agreed, and
+threw down his pistol--whereupon Slade laughed at his simplicity, and
+shot him dead!
+
+He made his escape, and lived a wild life for awhile, dividing his time
+between fighting Indians and avoiding an Illinois sheriff, who had been
+sent to arrest him for his first murder. It is said that in one Indian
+battle he killed three savages with his own hand, and afterward cut their
+ears off and sent them, with his compliments, to the chief of the tribe.
+
+Slade soon gained a name for fearless resolution, and this was sufficient
+merit to procure for him the important post of overland division-agent at
+Julesburg, in place of Mr. Jules, removed. For some time previously, the
+company's horses had been frequently stolen, and the coaches delayed, by
+gangs of outlaws, who were wont to laugh at the idea of any man's having
+the temerity to resent such outrages. Slade resented them promptly.
+
+The outlaws soon found that the new agent was a man who did not fear
+anything that breathed the breath of life. He made short work of all
+offenders. The result was that delays ceased, the company's property was
+let alone, and no matter what happened or who suffered, Slade's coaches
+went through, every time! True, in order to bring about this wholesome
+change, Slade had to kill several men--some say three, others say four,
+and others six--but the world was the richer for their loss. The first
+prominent difficulty he had was with the ex-agent Jules, who bore the
+reputation of being a reckless and desperate man himself. Jules hated
+Slade for supplanting him, and a good fair occasion for a fight was all
+he was waiting for. By and by Slade dared to employ a man whom Jules had
+once discharged. Next, Slade seized a team of stage-horses which he
+accused Jules of having driven off and hidden somewhere for his own use.
+War was declared, and for a day or two the two men walked warily about
+the streets, seeking each other, Jules armed with a double-barreled shot
+gun, and Slade with his history-creating revolver. Finally, as Slade
+stepped into a store Jules poured the contents of his gun into him from
+behind the door. Slade was plucky, and Jules got several bad pistol
+wounds in return.
+
+Then both men fell, and were carried to their respective lodgings, both
+swearing that better aim should do deadlier work next time. Both were
+bedridden a long time, but Jules got to his feet first, and gathering his
+possessions together, packed them on a couple of mules, and fled to the
+Rocky Mountains to gather strength in safety against the day of
+reckoning. For many months he was not seen or heard of, and was
+gradually dropped out of the remembrance of all save Slade himself. But
+Slade was not the man to forget him. On the contrary, common report said
+that Slade kept a reward standing for his capture, dead or alive!
+
+After awhile, seeing that Slade's energetic administration had restored
+peace and order to one of the worst divisions of the road, the overland
+stage company transferred him to the Rocky Ridge division in the Rocky
+Mountains, to see if he could perform a like miracle there. It was the
+very paradise of outlaws and desperadoes. There was absolutely no
+semblance of law there. Violence was the rule. Force was the only
+recognized authority. The commonest misunderstandings were settled on
+the spot with the revolver or the knife. Murders were done in open day,
+and with sparkling frequency, and nobody thought of inquiring into them.
+It was considered that the parties who did the killing had their private
+reasons for it; for other people to meddle would have been looked upon as
+indelicate. After a murder, all that Rocky Mountain etiquette required
+of a spectator was, that he should help the gentleman bury his game
+--otherwise his churlishness would surely be remembered against him the
+first time he killed a man himself and needed a neighborly turn in
+interring him.
+
+Slade took up his residence sweetly and peacefully in the midst of this
+hive of horse-thieves and assassins, and the very first time one of them
+aired his insolent swaggerings in his presence he shot him dead! He
+began a raid on the outlaws, and in a singularly short space of time he
+had completely stopped their depredations on the stage stock, recovered a
+large number of stolen horses, killed several of the worst desperadoes of
+the district, and gained such a dread ascendancy over the rest that they
+respected him, admired him, feared him, obeyed him! He wrought the same
+marvelous change in the ways of the community that had marked his
+administration at Overland City. He captured two men who had stolen
+overland stock, and with his own hands he hanged them. He was supreme
+judge in his district, and he was jury and executioner likewise--and not
+only in the case of offences against his employers, but against passing
+emigrants as well. On one occasion some emigrants had their stock lost
+or stolen, and told Slade, who chanced to visit their camp. With a
+single companion he rode to a ranch, the owners of which he suspected,
+and opening the door, commenced firing, killing three, and wounding the
+fourth.
+
+From a bloodthirstily interesting little Montana book.--["The Vigilantes
+of Montana," by Prof. Thos. J. Dimsdale.]--I take this paragraph:
+
+ "While on the road, Slade held absolute sway. He would ride down to
+ a station, get into a quarrel, turn the house out of windows, and
+ maltreat the occupants most cruelly. The unfortunates had no means
+ of redress, and were compelled to recuperate as best they could."
+
+On one of these occasions, it is said he killed the father of the fine
+little half-breed boy Jemmy, whom he adopted, and who lived with his
+widow after his execution. Stories of Slade's hanging men, and of
+innumerable assaults, shootings, stabbings and beatings, in which he was
+a principal actor, form part of the legends of the stage line. As for
+minor quarrels and shootings, it is absolutely certain that a minute
+history of Slade's life would be one long record of such practices.
+
+Slade was a matchless marksman with a navy revolver. The legends say
+that one morning at Rocky Ridge, when he was feeling comfortable, he saw
+a man approaching who had offended him some days before--observe the fine
+memory he had for matters like that--and, "Gentlemen," said Slade,
+drawing, "it is a good twenty-yard shot--I'll clip the third button on
+his coat!" Which he did. The bystanders all admired it. And they all
+attended the funeral, too.
+
+On one occasion a man who kept a little whisky-shelf at the station did
+something which angered Slade--and went and made his will. A day or two
+afterward Slade came in and called for some brandy. The man reached
+under the counter (ostensibly to get a bottle--possibly to get something
+else), but Slade smiled upon him that peculiarly bland and satisfied
+smile of his which the neighbors had long ago learned to recognize as a
+death-warrant in disguise, and told him to "none of that!--pass out the
+high-priced article." So the poor bar-keeper had to turn his back and
+get the high-priced brandy from the shelf; and when he faced around again
+he was looking into the muzzle of Slade's pistol. "And the next
+instant," added my informant, impressively, "he was one of the deadest
+men that ever lived."
+
+The stage-drivers and conductors told us that sometimes Slade would leave
+a hated enemy wholly unmolested, unnoticed and unmentioned, for weeks
+together--had done it once or twice at any rate. And some said they
+believed he did it in order to lull the victims into unwatchfulness, so
+that he could get the advantage of them, and others said they believed he
+saved up an enemy that way, just as a schoolboy saves up a cake, and made
+the pleasure go as far as it would by gloating over the anticipation.
+One of these cases was that of a Frenchman who had offended Slade.
+To the surprise of everybody Slade did not kill him on the spot, but let
+him alone for a considerable time. Finally, however, he went to the
+Frenchman's house very late one night, knocked, and when his enemy opened
+the door, shot him dead--pushed the corpse inside the door with his foot,
+set the house on fire and burned up the dead man, his widow and three
+children! I heard this story from several different people, and they
+evidently believed what they were saying. It may be true, and it may
+not. "Give a dog a bad name," etc.
+
+Slade was captured, once, by a party of men who intended to lynch him.
+They disarmed him, and shut him up in a strong log-house, and placed a
+guard over him. He prevailed on his captors to send for his wife, so
+that he might have a last interview with her. She was a brave, loving,
+spirited woman. She jumped on a horse and rode for life and death.
+When she arrived they let her in without searching her, and before the
+door could be closed she whipped out a couple of revolvers, and she and
+her lord marched forth defying the party. And then, under a brisk fire,
+they mounted double and galloped away unharmed!
+
+In the fulness of time Slade's myrmidons captured his ancient enemy
+Jules, whom they found in a well-chosen hiding-place in the remote
+fastnesses of the mountains, gaining a precarious livelihood with his
+rifle. They brought him to Rocky Ridge, bound hand and foot, and
+deposited him in the middle of the cattle-yard with his back against a
+post. It is said that the pleasure that lit Slade's face when he heard
+of it was something fearful to contemplate. He examined his enemy to see
+that he was securely tied, and then went to bed, content to wait till
+morning before enjoying the luxury of killing him. Jules spent the night
+in the cattle-yard, and it is a region where warm nights are never known.
+In the morning Slade practised on him with his revolver, nipping the
+flesh here and there, and occasionally clipping off a finger, while Jules
+begged him to kill him outright and put him out of his misery. Finally
+Slade reloaded, and walking up close to his victim, made some
+characteristic remarks and then dispatched him. The body lay there half
+a day, nobody venturing to touch it without orders, and then Slade
+detailed a party and assisted at the burial himself. But he first cut
+off the dead man's ears and put them in his vest pocket, where he carried
+them for some time with great satisfaction. That is the story as I have
+frequently heard it told and seen it in print in California newspapers.
+It is doubtless correct in all essential particulars.
+
+In due time we rattled up to a stage-station, and sat down to
+breakfast with a half-savage, half-civilized company of armed and
+bearded mountaineers, ranchmen and station employees. The most
+gentlemanly-appearing, quiet and affable officer we had yet found along
+the road in the Overland Company's service was the person who sat at the
+head of the table, at my elbow. Never youth stared and shivered as I did
+when I heard them call him SLADE!
+
+Here was romance, and I sitting face to face with it!--looking upon it
+--touching it--hobnobbing with it, as it were! Here, right by my side, was
+the actual ogre who, in fights and brawls and various ways, had taken the
+lives of twenty-six human beings, or all men lied about him! I suppose I
+was the proudest stripling that ever traveled to see strange lands and
+wonderful people.
+
+He was so friendly and so gentle-spoken that I warmed to him in
+spite of his awful history. It was hardly possible to realize that
+this pleasant person was the pitiless scourge of the outlaws, the
+raw-head-and-bloody-bones the nursing mothers of the mountains terrified
+their children with. And to this day I can remember nothing remarkable
+about Slade except that his face was rather broad across the cheek bones,
+and that the cheek bones were low and the lips peculiarly thin and
+straight. But that was enough to leave something of an effect upon me,
+for since then I seldom see a face possessing those characteristics
+without fancying that the owner of it is a dangerous man.
+
+The coffee ran out. At least it was reduced to one tin-cupful, and Slade
+was about to take it when he saw that my cup was empty.
+
+He politely offered to fill it, but although I wanted it, I politely
+declined. I was afraid he had not killed anybody that morning, and might
+be needing diversion. But still with firm politeness he insisted on
+filling my cup, and said I had traveled all night and better deserved it
+than he--and while he talked he placidly poured the fluid, to the last
+drop. I thanked him and drank it, but it gave me no comfort, for I could
+not feel sure that he would not be sorry, presently, that he had given it
+away, and proceed to kill me to distract his thoughts from the loss.
+But nothing of the kind occurred. We left him with only twenty-six dead
+people to account for, and I felt a tranquil satisfaction in the thought
+that in so judiciously taking care of No. 1 at that breakfast-table I had
+pleasantly escaped being No. 27. Slade came out to the coach and saw us
+off, first ordering certain rearrangements of the mail-bags for our
+comfort, and then we took leave of him, satisfied that we should hear of
+him again, some day, and wondering in what connection.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Roughing It, Part 1.
+by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
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