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diff --git a/858-h/858-h.htm b/858-h/858-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b73bf10 --- /dev/null +++ b/858-h/858-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3170 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Stage-land by Jerome K. Jerome + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Stage-Land, by Jerome K. Jerome + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Stage-Land + +Author: Jerome K. Jerome + +Release Date: July 27, 2008 [EBook #858] +Last Updated: January 15, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK STAGE-LAND *** + + + + +Produced by Ron Burkey, Amy Thomte, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + STAGE-LAND. + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + by Jerome K. Jerome + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h4> + TO <br /> THAT HIGHLY RESPECTABLE BUT UNNECESSARILY <br /> RETIRING + INDIVIDUAL, <br /> OF WHOM <br /> WE HEAR SO MUCH <br /> BUT <br /> SEE SO + LITTLE, <br /> "THE EARNEST STUDENT OF THE DRAMA," <br /> THIS <br /> + (COMPARATIVELY) TRUTHFUL LITTLE BOOK <br /> IS LOVINGLY DEDICATED. + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> <b>STAGE-LAND.</b> </a> + </p> + <br /> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> THE HERO. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> THE VILLAIN. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> THE HEROINE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> THE COMIC MAN. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> THE LAWYER. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> THE ADVENTURESS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> THE SERVANT-GIRL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> THE CHILD. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> THE COMIC LOVERS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> THE PEASANTS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> THE GOOD OLD MAN. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> THE IRISHMAN. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> THE DETECTIVE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> THE SAILOR. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h1> + STAGE-LAND. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE HERO. + </h2> + <p> + His name is George, generally speaking. "Call me George!" he says to the + heroine. She calls him George (in a very low voice, because she is so + young and timid). Then he is happy. + </p> + <p> + The stage hero never has any work to do. He is always hanging about and + getting into trouble. His chief aim in life is to be accused of crimes he + has never committed, and if he can muddle things up with a corpse in some + complicated way so as to get himself reasonably mistaken for the murderer, + he feels his day has not been wasted. + </p> + <p> + He has a wonderful gift of speech and a flow of language calculated to + strike terror to the bravest heart. It is a grand thing to hear him + bullyragging the villain. + </p> + <p> + The stage hero is always entitled to "estates," chiefly remarkable for + their high state of cultivation and for the eccentric ground plan of the + "manor house" upon them. The house is never more than one story high, but + it makes up in green stuff over the porch what it lacks in size and + convenience. + </p> + <p> + The chief drawback in connection with it, to our eyes, is that all the + inhabitants of the neighboring village appear to live in the front garden, + but the hero evidently thinks it rather nice of them, as it enables him to + make speeches to them from the front doorstep—his favorite + recreation. + </p> + <p> + There is generally a public-house immediately opposite. This is handy. + </p> + <p> + These "estates" are a great anxiety to the stage hero. He is not what you + would call a business man, as far as we can judge, and his attempts to + manage his own property invariably land him in ruin and distraction. His + "estates," however, always get taken away from him by the villain before + the first act is over, and this saves him all further trouble with regard + to them until the end of the play, when he gets saddled with them once + more. + </p> + <p> + Not but what it must be confessed that there is much excuse for the poor + fellow's general bewilderment concerning his affairs and for his legal + errors and confusions generally. Stage "law" may not be quite the most + fearful and wonderful mystery in the whole universe, but it's near it—very + near it. We were under the impression at one time that we ourselves knew + something—just a little—about statutory and common law, but + after paying attention to the legal points of one or two plays we found + that we were mere children at it. + </p> + <p> + We thought we would not be beaten, and we determined to get to the bottom + of stage law and to understand it; but after some six months' effort our + brain (a singularly fine one) began to soften, and we abandoned the study, + believing it would come cheaper in the end to offer a suitable reward, of + about 50,000 pounds or 60,000 pounds, say, to any one who would explain it + to us. + </p> + <p> + The reward has remained unclaimed to the present day and is still open. + </p> + <p> + One gentleman did come to our assistance a little while ago, but his + explanations only made the matter more confusing to our minds than it was + before. He was surprised at what he called our density, and said the thing + was all clear and simple to him. But we discovered afterward that he was + an escaped lunatic. + </p> + <p> + The only points of stage "law" on which we are at all clear are as + follows: + </p> + <p> + That if a man dies without leaving a will, then all his property goes to + the nearest villain. + </p> + <p> + But if a man dies and leaves a will, then all his property goes to whoever + can get possession of that will. + </p> + <p> + That the accidental loss of the three-and-sixpenny copy of a marriage + certificate annuls the marriage. + </p> + <p> + That the evidence of one prejudiced witness of shady antecedents is quite + sufficient to convict the most stainless and irreproachable gentleman of + crimes for the committal of which he could have had no possible motive. + </p> + <p> + But that this evidence may be rebutted years afterward, and the conviction + quashed without further trial by the unsupported statement of the comic + man. + </p> + <p> + That if A forges B's name to a check, then the law of the land is that B + shall be sentenced to ten years' penal servitude. + </p> + <p> + That ten minutes' notice is all that is required to foreclose a mortgage. + </p> + <p> + That all trials of criminal cases take place in the front parlor of the + victim's house, the villain acting as counsel, judge, and jury rolled into + one, and a couple of policemen being told off to follow his instructions. + </p> + <p> + These are a few of the more salient features of stage "law" so far as we + have been able to grasp it up to the present; but as fresh acts and + clauses and modifications appear to be introduced for each new play, we + have abandoned all hope of ever being able to really comprehend the + subject. + </p> + <p> + To return to our hero, the state of the law, as above sketched, naturally + confuses him, and the villain, who is the only human being who does seem + to understand stage legal questions, is easily able to fleece and ruin + him. The simple-minded hero signs mortgages, bills of sale, deeds of gift, + and such like things, under the impression that he is playing some sort of + a round game; and then when he cannot pay the interest they take his wife + and children away from him and turn him adrift into the world. + </p> + <p> + Being thrown upon his own resources, he naturally starves. + </p> + <p> + He can make long speeches, he can tell you all his troubles, he can stand + in the lime-light and strike attitudes, he can knock the villain down, and + he can defy the police, but these requirements are not much in demand in + the labor market, and as they are all he can do or cares to do, he finds + earning his living a much more difficult affair than he fancied. + </p> + <p> + There is a deal too much hard work about it for him. He soon gives up + trying it at all, and prefers to eke out an uncertain existence by + sponging upon good-natured old Irish women and generous but weak-minded + young artisans who have left their native village to follow him and enjoy + the advantage of his company and conversation. + </p> + <p> + And so he drags out his life during the middle of the piece, raving at + fortune, raging at humanity, and whining about his miseries until the last + act. + </p> + <p> + Then he gets back those "estates" of his into his possession once again, + and can go back to the village and make more moral speeches and be happy. + </p> + <p> + Moral speeches are undoubtedly his leading article, and of these, it must + be owned, he has an inexhaustible stock. He is as chock-full of noble + sentiments as a bladder is of wind. They are weak and watery sentiments of + the sixpenny tea-meeting order. We have a dim notion that we have heard + them before. The sound of them always conjures up to our mind the vision + of a dull long room, full of oppressive silence, broken only by the + scratching of steel pens and an occasional whispered "Give us a suck, + Bill. You know I always liked you;" or a louder "Please, sir, speak to + Jimmy Boggles. He's a-jogging my elbow." + </p> + <p> + The stage hero, however, evidently regards these meanderings as gems of + brilliant thought, fresh from the philosophic mine. + </p> + <p> + The gallery greets them with enthusiastic approval. They are a + warm-hearted people, galleryites, and they like to give a hearty welcome + to old friends. + </p> + <p> + And then, too, the sentiments are so good and a British gallery is so + moral. We doubt if there could be discovered on this earth any body of + human beings half so moral—so fond of goodness, even when it is slow + and stupid—so hateful of meanness in word or deed—as a modern + theatrical gallery. + </p> + <p> + The early Christian martyrs were sinful and worldly compared with an + Adelphi gallery. + </p> + <p> + The stage hero is a very powerful man. You wouldn't think it to look at + him, but you wait till the heroine cries "Help! Oh, George, save me!" or + the police attempt to run him in. Then two villains, three extra hired + ruffians and four detectives are about his fighting-weight. + </p> + <p> + If he knocks down less than three men with one blow, he fears that he must + be ill, and wonders "Why this strange weakness?" + </p> + <p> + The hero has his own way of making love. He always does it from behind. + The girl turns away from him when he begins (she being, as we have said, + shy and timid), and he takes hold of her hands and breathes his attachment + down her back. + </p> + <p> + The stage hero always wears patent-leather boots, and they are always + spotlessly clean. Sometimes he is rich and lives in a room with seven + doors to it, and at other times he is starving in a garret; but in either + event he still wears brand-new patent-leather boots. + </p> + <p> + He might raise at least three-and-sixpence on those boots, and when the + baby is crying for food, it occurs to us that it would be better if, + instead of praying to Heaven, he took off those boots and pawned them; but + this does not seem to occur to him. + </p> + <p> + He crosses the African desert in patent-leather boots, does the stage + hero. He takes a supply with him when he is wrecked on an uninhabited + island. He arrives from long and trying journeys; his clothes are ragged + and torn, but his boots are new and shiny. He puts on patent-leather boots + to tramp through the Australian bush, to fight in Egypt, to discover the + north pole. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes he is a gold-digger, sometimes a dock laborer, sometimes a + soldier, sometimes a sailor, but whatever he is he wears patent-leather + boots. + </p> + <p> + He goes boating in patent leather boots, he plays cricket in them; he goes + fishing and shooting in them. He will go to heaven in patent-leather boots + or he will decline the invitation. + </p> + <p> + The stage hero never talks in a simple, straightforward way, like a mere + ordinary mortal. + </p> + <p> + "You will write to me when you are away, dear, won't you?" says the + heroine. + </p> + <p> + A mere human being would reply: + </p> + <p> + "Why, of course I shall, ducky, every day." + </p> + <p> + But the stage hero is a superior creature. He says: + </p> + <p> + "Dost see yonder star, sweet?" + </p> + <p> + She looks up and owns that she does see yonder star; and then off he + starts and drivels on about that star for full five minutes, and says he + will cease to write to her when that pale star has fallen from its place + amid the firmament of heaven. + </p> + <p> + The result of a long course of acquaintanceship with stage heroes has + been, so far as we are concerned, to create a yearning for a new kind of + stage hero. What we would like for a change would be a man who wouldn't + cackle and brag quite so much, but who was capable of taking care of + himself for a day without getting into trouble. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE VILLAIN. + </h2> + <p> + He wears a clean collar and smokes a cigarette; that is how we know he is + a villain. In real life it is often difficult to tell a villain from an + honest man, and this gives rise to mistakes; but on the stage, as we have + said villains wear clean collars and smoke cigarettes, and thus all fear + of blunder is avoided. + </p> + <p> + It is well that the rule does not hold off the stage, or good men might be + misjudged. We ourselves, for instance, wear a clean collar—sometimes. + </p> + <p> + It might be very awkward for our family, especially on Sundays. + </p> + <p> + He has no power of repartee, has the stage villain. All the good people in + the play say rude and insulting things to him, and smack at him, and score + off him all through the act, but he can never answer them back—can + never think of anything clever to say in return. + </p> + <p> + "Ha! ha! wait till Monday week," is the most brilliant retort that he can + make, and he has to get into a corner by himself to think of even that. + </p> + <p> + The stage villain's career is always very easy and prosperous up to within + a minute of the end of each act. Then he gets suddenly let in, generally + by the comic man. It always happens so. Yet the villain is always + intensely surprised each time. He never seems to learn anything from + experience. + </p> + <p> + A few years ago the villain used to be blessed with a hopeful and + philosophical temperament, which enabled him to bear up under these + constantly recurring disappointments and reverses. It was "no matter," he + would say. Crushed for the moment though he might be, his buoyant heart + never lost courage. He had a simple, child-like faith in Providence. "A + time will come," he would remark, and this idea consoled him. + </p> + <p> + Of late, however, this trusting hopefulness of his, as expressed in the + beautiful lines we have quoted, appears to have forsaken him. We are sorry + for this. We always regarded it as one of the finest traits in his + character. + </p> + <p> + The stage villain's love for the heroine is sublime in its steadfastness. + She is a woman of lugubrious and tearful disposition, added to which she + is usually incumbered with a couple of priggish and highly objectionable + children, and what possible attraction there is about her we ourselves can + never understand; but the stage villain—well, there, he is fairly + mashed on her. + </p> + <p> + Nothing can alter his affection. She hates him and insults him to an + extent that is really unladylike. Every time he tries to explain his + devotion to her, the hero comes in and knocks him down in the middle of + it, or the comic man catches him during one or the other of his harassing + love-scenes with her, and goes off and tells the "villagers" or the + "guests," and they come round and nag him (we should think that the + villain must grow to positively dislike the comic man before the piece is + over). + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding all this he still hankers after her and swears she shall + be his. He is not a bad-looking fellow, and from what we know of the + market, we should say there are plenty of other girls who would jump at + him; yet for the sake of settling down with this dismal young female as + his wife, he is prepared to go through a laborious and exhaustive course + of crime and to be bullied and insulted by every one he meets. His love + sustains him under it all. He robs and forges, and cheats, and lies, and + murders, and arsons. If there were any other crimes he could commit to win + her affection, he would, for her sweet sake, commit them cheerfully. But + he doesn't know any others—at all events, he is not well up in any + others—and she still does not care for him, and what is he to do? + </p> + <p> + It is very unfortunate for both of them. It is evident to the merest + spectator that the lady's life would be much happier if the villain did + not love her quite so much; and as for him, his career might be calmer and + less criminal but for his deep devotion to her. + </p> + <p> + You see, it is having met her in early life that is the cause of all the + trouble. He first saw her when she was a child, and he loved her, "ay, + even then." Ah, and he would have worked—slaved for her, and have + made her rich and happy. He might perhaps even have been a good man. + </p> + <p> + She tries to soothe him. She says she loathed him with an unspeakable + horror from the first moment that her eyes met his revolting form. She + says she saw a hideous toad once in a nasty pond, and she says that rather + would she take that noisome reptile and clasp its slimy bosom to her own + than tolerate one instant's touch from his (the villain's) arms. + </p> + <p> + This sweet prattle of hers, however, only charms him all the more. He says + he will win her yet. + </p> + <p> + Nor does the villain seem much happier in his less serious love episodes. + After he has indulged in a little badinage of the above character with his + real lady-love, the heroine, he will occasionally try a little light + flirtation passage with her maid or lady friend. + </p> + <p> + The maid or friend does not waste time in simile or in metaphor. She calls + him a black-hearted scoundrel and clumps him over the head. + </p> + <p> + Of recent years it has been attempted to cheer the stage villain's + loveless life by making the village clergyman's daughter gone on him. But + it is generally about ten years ago when even she loved him, and her love + has turned to hate by the time the play opens; so that on the whole his + lot can hardly be said to have been much improved in this direction. + </p> + <p> + Not but what it must be confessed that her change of feeling is, under the + circumstances, only natural. He took her away from her happy, peaceful + home when she was very young and brought her up to this wicked overgrown + London. He did not marry her. There is no earthly reason why he should not + have married her. She must have been a fine girl at that time (and she is + a good-looking woman as it is, with dash and go about her), and any other + man would have settled down cozily with her and have led a simple, + blameless life. + </p> + <p> + But the stage villain is built cussed. + </p> + <p> + He ill-uses this female most shockingly—not for any cause or motive + whatever; indeed, his own practical interests should prompt him to treat + her well and keep friends with her—but from the natural cussedness + to which we have just alluded. When he speaks to her he seizes her by the + wrist and breathes what he's got to say into her ear, and it tickles and + revolts her. + </p> + <p> + The only thing in which he is good to her is in the matter of dress. He + does not stint her in dress. + </p> + <p> + The stage villain is superior to the villain of real life. The villain of + real life is actuated by mere sordid and selfish motives. The stage + villain does villainy, not for any personal advantage to himself, but + merely from the love of the thing as an art. Villainy is to him its own + reward; he revels in it. + </p> + <p> + "Better far be poor and villainous," he says to himself, "than possess all + the wealth of the Indies with a clear conscience. I will be a villain," he + cries. "I will, at great expense and inconvenience to myself, murder the + good old man, get the hero accused of the crime, and make love to his wife + while he is in prison. It will be a risky and laborious business for me + from beginning to end, and can bring me no practical advantage whatever. + The girl will call me insulting names when I pay her a visit, and will + push me violently in the chest when I get near her; her golden-haired + infant will say I am a bad man and may even refuse to kiss me. The comic + man will cover me with humorous opprobrium, and the villagers will get a + day off and hang about the village pub and hoot me. Everybody will see + through my villainy, and I shall be nabbed in the end. I always am. But it + is no matter, I will be a villain—ha! ha!" + </p> + <p> + On the whole, the stage villain appears to us to be a rather badly used + individual. He never has any "estates" or property himself, and his only + chance of getting on in the world is to sneak the hero's. He has an + affectionate disposition, and never having any wife of his own he is + compelled to love other people's; but his affection is ever unrequited, + and everything comes wrong for him in the end. + </p> + <p> + Our advice to stage villains generally, after careful observation of + (stage) life and (stage) human nature, is as follows: + </p> + <p> + Never be a stage villain at all if you can help it. The life is too + harassing and the remuneration altogether disproportionate to the risks + and labor. + </p> + <p> + If you have run away with the clergyman's daughter and she still clings to + you, do not throw her down in the center of the stage and call her names. + It only irritates her, and she takes a dislike to you and goes and warns + the other girl. + </p> + <p> + Don't have too many accomplices; and if you have got them, don't keep + sneering at them and bullying them. A word from them can hang you, and yet + you do all you can to rile them. Treat them civilly and let them have + their fair share of the swag. + </p> + <p> + Beware of the comic man. When you are committing a murder or robbing a + safe you never look to see where the comic man is. You are so careless in + that way. On the whole, it might be as well if you murdered the comic man + early in the play. + </p> + <p> + Don't make love to the hero's wife. She doesn't like you; how can you + expect her to? Besides, it isn't proper. Why don't you get a girl of your + own? + </p> + <p> + Lastly, don't go down to the scenes of your crimes in the last act. You + always will do this. We suppose it is some extra cheap excursion down + there that attracts you. But take our advice and don't go. That is always + where you get nabbed. The police know your habits from experience. They do + not trouble to look for you. They go down in the last act to the old hall + or the ruined mill where you did the deed and wait for you. + </p> + <p> + In nine cases out of ten you would get off scot-free but for this idiotic + custom of yours. Do keep away from the place. Go abroad or to the sea-side + when the last act begins and stop there till it is over. You will be safe + then. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE HEROINE. + </h2> + <p> + She is always in trouble—and don't she let you know it, too! Her + life is undeniably a hard one. Nothing goes right with her. We all have + our troubles, but the stage heroine never has anything else. If she only + got one afternoon a week off from trouble or had her Sundays free it would + be something. + </p> + <p> + But no; misfortune stalks beside her from week's beginning to week's end. + </p> + <p> + After her husband has been found guilty of murder, which is about the + least thing that can ever happen to him, and her white-haired father has + become a bankrupt and has died of a broken heart, and the home of her + childhood has been sold up, then her infant goes and contracts a lingering + fever. + </p> + <p> + She weeps a good deal during the course of her troubles, which we suppose + is only natural enough, poor woman. But it is depressing from the point of + view of the audience, and we almost wish before the evening is out that + she had not got quite so much trouble. + </p> + <p> + It is over the child that she does most of her weeping. The child has a + damp time of it altogether. We sometimes wonder that it never catches + rheumatism. + </p> + <p> + She is very good, is the stage heroine. The comic man expresses a belief + that she is a born angel. She reproves him for this with a tearful smile + (it wouldn't be her smile if it wasn't tearful). + </p> + <p> + "Oh, no," she says (sadly of course); "I have many, many faults." + </p> + <p> + We rather wish that she would show them a little more. Her excessive + goodness seems somehow to pall upon us. Our only consolation while + watching her is that there are not many good women off the stage. Life is + bad enough as it is; if there were many women in real life as good as the + stage heroine, it would be unbearable. + </p> + <p> + The stage heroine's only pleasure in life is to go out in a snow-storm + without an umbrella and with no bonnet on. She has a bonnet, we know + (rather a tasteful little thing); we have seen it hanging up behind the + door of her room; but when she comes out for a night stroll during a heavy + snow-storm (accompanied by thunder), she is most careful to leave it at + home. Maybe she fears the snow will spoil it, and she is a careful girl. + </p> + <p> + She always brings her child out with her on these occasions. She seems to + think that it will freshen it up. The child does not appreciate the snow + as much as she does. He says it's cold. + </p> + <p> + One thing that must irritate the stage heroine very much on these + occasions is the way in which the snow seems to lie in wait for her and + follow her about. It is quite a fine night before she comes on the scene: + the moment she appears it begins to snow. It snows heavily all the while + she remains about, and the instant she goes it clears up again and keeps + dry for the rest of the evening. + </p> + <p> + The way the snow "goes" for that poor woman is most unfair. It always + snows much heavier in the particular spot where she is sitting than it + does anywhere else in the whole street. Why, we have sometimes seen a + heroine sitting in the midst of a blinding snow-storm while the other side + of the road was as dry as a bone. And it never seemed to occur to her to + cross over. + </p> + <p> + We have even known a more than unusually malignant snow-storm to follow a + heroine three times round the stage and then go off (R.) with her. + </p> + <p> + Of course you can't get away from a snow-storm like that! A stage + snow-storm is the kind of snow-storm that would follow you upstairs and + want to come into bed with you. + </p> + <p> + Another curious thing about these stage snow-storms is that the moon is + always shining brightly through the whole of them. And it shines only on + the heroine, and it follows her about just like the snow does. + </p> + <p> + Nobody fully understands what a wonderful work of nature the moon is + except people acquainted with the stage. Astronomy teaches you something + about the moon, but you learn a good deal more from a few visits to a + theater. You will find from the latter that the moon only shines on heroes + and heroines, with perhaps an occasional beam on the comic man: it always + goes out when it sees the villain coming. + </p> + <p> + It is surprising, too, how quickly the moon can go out on the stage. At + one moment it is riding in full radiance in the midst of a cloudless sky, + and the next instant it is gone! Just as though it had been turned off at + a meter. It makes you quite giddy at first until you get used to it. + </p> + <p> + The stage heroine is inclined to thoughtfulness rather than gayety. + </p> + <p> + In her cheerful moments the stage heroine thinks she sees the spirit of + her mother, or the ghost of her father, or she dreams of her dead baby. + </p> + <p> + But this is only in her very merry moods. As a rule, she is too much + occupied with weeping to have time for frivolous reflections. + </p> + <p> + She has a great flow of language and a wonderful gift of metaphor and + simile—more forcible than elegant—and this might be rather + trying in a wife under ordinary circumstances. But as the hero is + generally sentenced to ten years' penal servitude on his wedding-morn, he + escapes for a period from a danger that might well appall a less fortunate + bridegroom. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes the stage heroine has a brother, and if so he is sure to be + mistaken for her lover. We never came across a brother and sister in real + life who ever gave the most suspicious person any grounds for mistaking + them for lovers; but the stage brother and sister are so affectionate that + the error is excusable. + </p> + <p> + And when the mistake does occur and the husband comes in suddenly and + finds them kissing and raves she doesn't turn round and say: + </p> + <p> + "Why, you silly cuckoo, it's only my brother." + </p> + <p> + That would be simple and sensible, and would not suit the stage heroine at + all. No; she does all in her power to make everybody believe it is true, + so that she can suffer in silence. + </p> + <p> + She does so love to suffer. + </p> + <p> + Marriage is undoubtedly a failure in the case of the stage heroine. + </p> + <p> + If the stage heroine were well advised she would remain single. Her + husband means well. He is decidedly affectionate. But he is unfortunate + and inexperienced in worldly affairs. Things come right for him at the end + of the play, it is true; but we would not recommend the heroine to place + too much reliance upon the continuance of this happy state of affairs. + From what we have seen of her husband and his business capabilities during + the five acts preceding, we are inclined to doubt the possibility of his + being anything but unfortunate to the end of his career. + </p> + <p> + True, he has at last got his "rights" (which he would never have lost had + he had a head instead of a sentimental bladder on his shoulders), the + Villain is handcuffed, and he and the heroine have settled down + comfortably next door to the comic man. + </p> + <p> + But this heavenly existence will never last. The stage hero was built for + trouble, and he will be in it again in another month, you bet. They'll get + up another mortgage for him on the "estates;" and he won't know, bless + you, whether he really did sign it or whether he didn't, and out he will + go. + </p> + <p> + And he'll slop his name about to documents without ever looking to see + what he's doing, and be let in for Lord knows what; and another wife will + turn up for him that he had married when a boy and forgotten all about. + </p> + <p> + And the next corpse that comes to the village he'll get mixed up with—sure + to—and have it laid to his door, and there'll be all the old + business over again. + </p> + <p> + No, our advice to the stage heroine is to get rid of the hero as soon as + possible, marry the villain, and go and live abroad somewhere where the + comic man won't come fooling around. + </p> + <p> + She will be much happier. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE COMIC MAN. + </h2> + <h3> + He follows the hero all over the world. This is rough on the hero. + </h3> + <p> + What makes him so gone on the hero is that when they were boys together + the hero used to knock him down and kick him. The comic man remembers this + with a glow of pride when he is grown up, and it makes him love the hero + and determine to devote his life to him. + </p> + <p> + He is a man of humble station—the comic man. The village blacksmith + or a peddler. You never see a rich or aristocratic comic man on the stage. + You can have your choice on the stage; you can be funny and of lowly + origin, or you can be well-to-do and without any sense of humor. Peers and + policemen are the people most utterly devoid of humor on the stage. + </p> + <p> + The chief duty of the comic man's life is to make love to servant-girls, + and they slap his face; but it does not discourage him; he seems to be + more smitten by them than ever. + </p> + <p> + The comic man is happy under any fate, and he says funny things at + funerals and when the bailiffs are in the house or the hero is waiting to + be hanged. + </p> + <p> + This sort of man is rather trying in real life. In real life such a man + would probably be slaughtered to death and buried at an early period of + his career, but on the stage they put up with him. + </p> + <p> + He is very good, is the comic man. He can't bear villainy. To thwart + villainy is his life's ambition, and in this noble object fortune backs + him up grandly. Bad people come and commit their murders and thefts right + under his nose, so that he can denounce them in the last act. + </p> + <p> + They never see him there, standing close beside them, while they are + performing these fearful crimes. + </p> + <p> + It is marvelous how short-sighted people on the stage are. We always + thought that the young lady in real life was moderately good at not seeing + folks she did not want to when they were standing straight in front of + her, but her affliction in this direction is as nothing compared with that + of her brothers and sisters on the stage. + </p> + <p> + These unfortunate people come into rooms where there are crowds of people + about—people that it is most important that they should see, and + owing to not seeing whom they get themselves into fearful trouble, and + they never notice any of them. They talk to somebody opposite, and they + can't see a third person that is standing bang between the two of them. + </p> + <p> + You might fancy they wore blinkers. + </p> + <p> + Then, again, their hearing is so terribly weak. It really ought to be seen + to. People talk and chatter at the very top of their voices close behind + them, and they never hear a word—don't know anybody's there, even. + After it has been going on for half an hour, and the people "up stage" + have made themselves hoarse with shouting, and somebody has been + boisterously murdered and all the furniture upset, then the people "down + stage" "think they hear a noise." + </p> + <p> + The comic man always rows with his wife if he is married or with his + sweetheart if he is not married. They quarrel all day long. It must be a + trying life, you would think, but they appear to like it. + </p> + <p> + How the comic man lives and supports his wife (she looks as if it wanted + something to support her, too) and family is always a mystery to us. As we + have said, he is not a rich man and he never seems to earn any money. + Sometimes he keeps a shop, and in the way he manages business it must be + an expensive thing to keep, for he never charges anybody for anything, he + is so generous. All his customers seem to be people more or less in + trouble, and he can't find it in his heart to ask them to pay for their + goods under such distressing circumstances. + </p> + <p> + He stuffs their basket full with twice as much as they came to buy, pushes + their money back into their hands, and wipes away a tear. + </p> + <p> + Why doesn't a comic man come and set up a grocery store in our + neighborhood? + </p> + <p> + When the shop does not prove sufficiently profitable (as under the + above-explained method sometimes happens to be the case) the comic man's + wife seeks to add to the income by taking in lodgers. This is a bad move + on her part, for it always ends in the lodgers taking her in. The hero and + heroine, who seem to have been waiting for something of the sort, + immediately come and take possession of the whole house. + </p> + <p> + Of course the comic man could not think of charging for mere board and + lodging the man who knocked him down when they were boys together! + Besides, was not the heroine (now the hero's wife) the sweetest and the + blithest girl in all the village of Deepdale? (They must have been a + gloomy band, the others!) How can any one with a human heart beneath his + bosom suggest that people like that should pay for their rest and washing? + The comic man is shocked at his wife for even thinking of such a thing, + and the end of it is that Mr. and Mrs. Hero live there for the rest of the + play rent free; coals, soap, candles, and hair-oil for the child being + provided for them on the same terms. + </p> + <p> + The hero raises vague and feeble objections to this arrangement now and + again. He says he will not hear of such a thing, that he will stay no + longer to be a burden upon these honest folk, but will go forth unto the + roadside and there starve. The comic man has awful work with him, but wins + at last and persuades the noble fellow to stop on and give the place + another trial. + </p> + <p> + When, a morning or so after witnessing one of these beautiful scenes, our + own landlady knocks at our door and creates a disturbance over a paltry + matter of three or four weeks' rent, and says she'll have her money or out + we go that very day, and drifts slowly away down toward the kitchen, + abusing us in a rising voice as she descends, then we think of these + things and grow sad. + </p> + <p> + It is the example of the people round him that makes the comic man so + generous. Everybody is generous on the stage. They are giving away their + purses all day long; that is the regulation "tip" on the stage—one's + purse. The moment you hear a tale of woe, you grab it out of your pocket, + slap it in to the woe-er's palm, grip his hand, dash away a tear, and + exit; you don't even leave yourself a 'bus fare home. You walk back + quickly and get another purse. + </p> + <p> + Middle-class people and others on the stage who are short of purses have + to content themselves with throwing about rolls of bank-notes and tipping + servants with five-pound checks. Very stingy people on the stage have been + known to be so cussed mean as to give away mere sovereigns. + </p> + <p> + But they are generally only villains or lords that descend to this sort of + thing. Respectable stage folk never offer anything less than a purse. + </p> + <p> + The recipient is very grateful on receiving the purse (he never looks + inside) and thinks that Heaven ought to reward the donor. They get a lot + of work out of Heaven on the stage. Heaven does all the odd jobs for them + that they don't want to go to the trouble and expense of doing for + themselves. Heaven's chief duty on the stage is to see to the repayment of + all those sums of money that are given or lent to the good people. It is + generally requested to do this to the tune of a "thousand-fold"—an + exorbitant rate when you come to think of it. + </p> + <p> + Heaven is also expected to take care that the villain gets properly + cursed, and to fill up its spare time by bringing misfortune upon the + local landlord. It has to avenge everybody and to help all the good people + whenever they are in trouble. And they keep it going in this direction. + </p> + <p> + And when the hero leaves for prison Heaven has to take care of his wife + and child till he comes out; and if this isn't a handful for it, we don't + know what would be! + </p> + <p> + Heaven on the stage is always on the side of the hero and heroine and + against the police. + </p> + <p> + Occasionally, of late years, the comic man has been a bad man, but you + can't hate him for it. What if he does ruin the hero and rob the heroine + and help to murder the good old man? He does it all in such a genial, + light-hearted spirit that it is not in one's heart to feel angry with him. + It is the way in which a thing is done that makes all the difference. + </p> + <p> + Besides, he can always round on his pal, the serious villain, at the end, + and that makes it all right. + </p> + <p> + The comic man is not a sportsman. If he goes out shooting, we know that + when he returns we shall hear that he has shot the dog. If he takes his + girl out on the river he upsets her (literally we mean). The comic man + never goes out for a day's pleasure without coming home a wreck. + </p> + <p> + If he merely goes to tea with his girl at her mother's, he swallows a + muffin and chokes himself. + </p> + <p> + The comic man is not happy in his married life, nor does it seem to us + that he goes the right way to be so. He calls his wife "his old Dutch + clock," "the old geyser," and such like terms of endearment, and addresses + her with such remarks as "Ah, you old cat," "You ugly old nutmeg grater," + "You orangamatang, you!" etc., etc. + </p> + <p> + Well, you know that is not the way to make things pleasant about a house. + </p> + <p> + Still, with all his faults we like the comic man. He is not always in + trouble and he does not make long speeches. + </p> + <p> + Let us bless him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE LAWYER. + </h2> + <p> + He is very old, and very long, and very thin. He has white hair. He + dresses in the costume of the last generation but seven. He has bushy + eyebrows and is clean shaven. His chin itches considerably, so that he has + to be always scratching it. His favorite remark is "Ah!" + </p> + <p> + In real life we have heard of young solicitors, of foppish solicitors, of + short solicitors; but on the stage they are always very thin and very old. + The youngest stage solicitor we ever remember to have seen looked about + sixty—the oldest about a hundred and forty-five. + </p> + <p> + By the bye, it is never very safe to judge people's ages on the stage by + their personal appearance. We have known old ladies who looked seventy, if + they were a day, turn out to be the mothers of boys of fourteen, while the + middle-aged husband of the young wife generally gives one the idea of + ninety. + </p> + <p> + Again, what appears at first sight to be a comfortable-looking and + eminently respectable elderly lady is often discovered to be, in reality, + a giddy, girlish, and inexperienced young thing, the pride of the village + or the darling of the regiment. + </p> + <p> + So, too, an exceptionally stout and short-winded old gentleman, who looks + as if he had been living too well and taking too little exercise for the + last forty-five years, is not the heavy father, as you might imagine if + you judged from mere external evidence, but a wild, reckless boy. + </p> + <p> + You would not think so to look at him, but his only faults are that he is + so young and light-headed. There is good in him, however, and he will no + doubt be steady enough when he grows up. All the young men of the + neighborhood worship him and the girls love him. + </p> + <p> + "Here he comes," they say; "dear, dear old Jack—Jack, the darling + boy—the headstrong youth—Jack, the leader of our juvenile + sports—Jack, whose childish innocence wins all hearts. Three cheers + for dancing, bright-eyed Jack!" + </p> + <p> + On the other hand, ladies with the complexion of eighteen are, you learn + as the story progresses, quite elderly women, the mothers of middle-aged + heroes. + </p> + <p> + The experienced observer of stage-land never jumps to conclusions from + what he sees. He waits till he is told things. + </p> + <p> + The stage lawyer never has any office of his own. He transacts all his + business at his clients' houses. He will travel hundreds of miles to tell + them the most trivial piece of legal information. + </p> + <p> + It never occurs to him how much simpler it would be to write a letter. The + item for "traveling expenses" in his bill of costs must be something + enormous. + </p> + <p> + There are two moments in the course of his client's career that the stage + lawyer particularly enjoys. The first is when the client comes + unexpectedly into a fortune; the second when he unexpectedly loses it. + </p> + <p> + In the former case, upon learning the good news the stage lawyer at once + leaves his business and hurries off to the other end of the kingdom to + bear the glad tidings. He arrives at the humble domicile of the + beneficiary in question, sends up his card, and is ushered into the front + parlor. He enters mysteriously and sits left—client sits right. An + ordinary, common lawyer would come to the point at once, state the matter + in a plain, business-like way, and trust that he might have the pleasure + of representing, etc., etc.; but such simple methods are not those of the + stage lawyer. He looks at the client and says: + </p> + <p> + "You had a father." + </p> + <p> + The client starts. How on earth did this calm, thin, keen-eyed old man in + black know that he had a father? He shuffles and stammers, but the quiet, + impenetrable lawyer fixes his cold, glassy eye on him, and he is helpless. + Subterfuge, he feels, is useless, and amazed, bewildered at the knowledge + of his most private affairs possessed by his strange visitant, he admits + the fact: he had a father. + </p> + <p> + The lawyer smiles with a quiet smile of triumph and scratches his chin. + </p> + <p> + "You had a mother, too, if I am informed correctly," he continues. + </p> + <p> + It is idle attempting to escape this man's supernatural acuteness, and the + client owns up to having had a mother also. + </p> + <p> + From this the lawyer goes on to communicate to the client, as a great + secret, the whole of his (the client's) history from his cradle upward, + and also the history of his nearer relatives, and in less than half an + hour from the old man's entrance, or say forty minutes at the outside, the + client almost knows what the business is about. + </p> + <p> + On the other occasion, when the client has lost his fortune, the stage + lawyer is even still happier. He comes down himself to tell the misfortune + (he would not miss the job for worlds), and he takes care to choose the + most unpropitious moment possible for breaking the news. On the eldest + daughter's birthday, when there is a big party on, is his favorite time. + He comes in about midnight and tells them just as they are going down to + supper. + </p> + <p> + He has no idea of business hours, has the stage lawyer—to make the + thing as unpleasant as possible seems to be his only anxiety. + </p> + <p> + If he cannot work it for a birthday, then he waits till there's a wedding + on, and gets up early in the morning on purpose to run down and spoil the + show. To enter among a crowd of happy, joyous fellow-creatures and leave + them utterly crushed and miserable is the stage lawyer's hobby. + </p> + <p> + The stage lawyer is a very talkative gentleman. He regards the telling of + his client's most private affairs to every stranger that he meets as part + of his professional duties. A good gossip with a few chance acquaintances + about the family secrets of his employers is food and drink for the stage + lawyer. + </p> + <p> + They all go about telling their own and their friends' secrets to perfect + strangers on the stage. Whenever two people have five minutes to spare on + the stage they tell each other the story of their lives. "Sit down and I + will tell you the story of my life" is the stage equivalent for the "Come + and have a drink" of the outside world. + </p> + <p> + The good stage lawyer has generally nursed the heroine on his knee when a + baby (when she was a baby, we mean)—when she was only so high. It + seems to have been a part of his professional duties. The good stage + lawyer also kisses all the pretty girls in the play and is expected to + chuck the housemaid under the chin. It is good to be a good stage lawyer. + </p> + <p> + The good stage lawyer also wipes away a tear when sad things happen; and + he turns away to do this and blows his nose, and says he thinks he has a + fly in his eye. This touching trait in his character is always held in + great esteem by the audience and is much applauded. + </p> + <p> + The good stage lawyer is never by any chance a married man. (Few good men + are, so we gather from our married lady friends.) He loved in early life + the heroine's mother. That "sainted woman" (tear and nose business) died + and is now among the angels—the gentleman who did marry her, by the + bye, is not quite so sure about this latter point, but the lawyer is fixed + on the idea. + </p> + <p> + In stage literature of a frivolous nature the lawyer is a very different + individual. In comedy he is young, he possesses chambers, and he is + married (there is no doubt about this latter fact); and his wife and his + mother-in-law spend most of the day in his office and make the dull old + place quite lively for him. + </p> + <p> + He only has one client. She is a nice lady and affable, but her + antecedents are doubtful, and she seems to be no better than she ought to + be—possibly worse. But anyhow she is the sole business that the poor + fellow has—is, in fact, his only source of income, and might, one + would think, under such circumstances be accorded a welcome by his family. + But his wife and his mother-in-law, on the contrary, take a violent + dislike to her, and the lawyer has to put her in the coal-scuttle or lock + her up in the safe whenever he hears either of these female relatives of + his coming up the stairs. + </p> + <p> + We should not care to be the client of a farcical comedy stage lawyer. + Legal transactions are trying to the nerves under the most favorable + circumstances; conducted by a farcical stage lawyer, the business would be + too exciting for us. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ADVENTURESS. + </h2> + <p> + She sits on a table and smokes a cigarette. A cigarette on the stage is + always the badge of infamy. + </p> + <p> + In real life the cigarette is usually the hall-mark of the particularly + mild and harmless individual. It is the dissipation of the Y.M.C.A.; the + innocent joy of the pure-hearted boy long ere the demoralizing influence + of our vaunted civilization has dragged him down into the depths of the + short clay. + </p> + <p> + But behind the cigarette on the stage lurks ever black-hearted villainy + and abandoned womanhood. + </p> + <p> + The adventuress is generally of foreign extraction. They do not make bad + women in England—the article is entirely of continental manufacture + and has to be imported. She speaks English with a charming little French + accent, and she makes up for this by speaking French with a good sound + English one. + </p> + <p> + She seems a smart business woman, and she would probably get on very well + if it were not for her friends and relations. Friends and relations are a + trying class of people even in real life, as we all know, but the friends + and relations of the stage adventuress are a particularly irritating lot. + They never leave her; never does she get a day or an hour off from them. + Wherever she goes, there the whole tribe goes with her. + </p> + <p> + They all go with her in a body when she calls on her young man, and it is + as much as she can do to persuade them to go into the next room even for + five minutes, and give her a chance. When she is married they come and + live with her. + </p> + <p> + They know her dreadful secret and it keeps them in comfort for years. + Knowing somebody's secret seems, on the stage, to be one of the most + profitable and least exhausting professions going. + </p> + <p> + She is fond of married life, is the adventuress, and she goes in for it + pretty extensively. She has husbands all over the globe, most of them in + prison, but they escape and turn up in the last act and spoil all the poor + girl's plans. That is so like husbands—no consideration, no thought + for their poor wives. They are not a prepossessing lot, either, those + early husbands of hers. What she could have seen in them to induce her to + marry them is indeed a mystery. + </p> + <p> + The adventuress dresses magnificently. Where she gets the money from we + never could understand, for she and her companions are always more or less + complaining of being "stone broke." Dressmakers must be a trusting people + where she comes from. + </p> + <p> + The adventuress is like the proverbial cat as regards the number of lives + she is possessed of. You never know when she is really dead. Most people + like to die once and have done with it, but the adventuress, after once or + twice trying it, seems to get quite to like it, and goes on giving way to + it, and then it grows upon her until she can't help herself, and it + becomes a sort of craving with her. + </p> + <p> + This habit of hers is, however, a very trying one for her friends and + husbands—it makes things so uncertain. Something ought to be done to + break her of it. Her husbands, on hearing that she is dead, go into + raptures and rush off and marry other people, and then just as they are + starting off on their new honeymoon up she crops again, as fresh as paint. + It is really most annoying. + </p> + <p> + For ourselves, were we the husband of a stage adventuress we should never, + after what we have seen of the species, feel quite justified in believing + her to be dead unless we had killed and buried her ourselves; and even + then we should be more easy in our minds if we could arrange to sit on her + grave for a week or so afterward. These women are so artful! + </p> + <p> + But it is not only the adventuress who will persist in coming to life + again every time she is slaughtered. They all do it on the stage. They are + all so unreliable in this respect. It must be most disheartening to the + murderers. + </p> + <p> + And then, again, it is something extraordinary, when you come to think of + it, what a tremendous amount of killing some of them can stand and still + come up smiling in the next act, not a penny the worse for it. They get + stabbed, and shot, and thrown over precipices thousands of feet high and, + bless you, it does them good—it is like a tonic to them. + </p> + <p> + As for the young man that is coming home to see his girl, you simply can't + kill him. Achilles was a summer rose compared with him. Nature and mankind + have not sufficient materials in hand as yet to kill that man. Science has + but the strength of a puling babe against his invulnerability. You can + waste your time on earthquakes and shipwrecks, volcanic eruptions, floods, + explosions, railway accidents, and such like sort of things, if you are + foolish enough to do so; but it is no good your imagining that anything of + the kind can hurt him, because it can't. + </p> + <p> + There will be thousands of people killed, thousands in each instance, but + one human being will always escape, and that one human being will be the + stage young man who is coming home to see his girl. + </p> + <p> + He is forever being reported as dead, but it always turns out to be + another fellow who was like him or who had on his (the young man's) hat. + He is bound to be out of it, whoever else may be in. + </p> + <p> + "If I had been at my post that day," he explains to his sobbing mother, "I + should have been blown up, but the Providence that watches over good men + had ordained that I should be laying blind drunk in Blogg's saloon at the + time the explosion took place, and so the other engineer, who had been + doing my work when it was his turn to be off, was killed along with the + whole of the crew." + </p> + <p> + "Ah, thank Heaven, thank Heaven for that!" ejaculates the pious old lady, + and the comic man is so overcome with devout joy that he has to relieve + his overstrained heart by drawing his young woman on one side and grossly + insulting her. + </p> + <p> + All attempts to kill this young man ought really to be given up now. The + job has been tried over and over again by villains and bad people of all + kinds, but no one has ever succeeded. There has been an amount of energy + and ingenuity expended in seeking to lay up that one man which, properly + utilized, might have finished off ten million ordinary mortals. It is sad + to think of so much wasted effort. + </p> + <p> + He, the young man coming home to see his girl, need never take an + insurance ticket or even buy a <i>Tit Bits</i>. It would be needless + expenditure in his case. + </p> + <p> + On the other hand, and to make matters equal, as it were, there are some + stage people so delicate that it is next door to impossible to keep them + alive. + </p> + <p> + The inconvenient husband is a most pathetic example of this. Medical + science is powerless to save that man when the last act comes round; + indeed, we doubt whether medical science, in its present state of + development, could even tell what is the matter with him or why he dies at + all. He looks healthy and robust enough and nobody touches him, yet down + he drops, without a word of warning, stone-dead, in the middle of the + floor—he always dies in the middle of the floor. Some folks like to + die in bed, but stage people don't. They like to die on the floor. We all + have our different tastes. + </p> + <p> + The adventuress herself is another person who dies with remarkable ease. + We suppose in her case it is being so used to it that makes her so quick + and clever at it. There is no lingering illness and doctors' bills and + upsetting of the whole household arrangements about her method. One walk + round the stage and the thing is done. + </p> + <p> + All bad characters die quickly on the stage. Good characters take a long + time over it, and have a sofa down in the drawing-room to do it on, and + have sobbing relatives and good old doctors fooling around them, and can + smile and forgive everybody. Bad stage characters have to do the whole + job, dying speech and all, in about ten seconds, and do it with all their + clothes on into the bargain, which must make it most uncomfortable. + </p> + <p> + It is repentance that kills off the bad people in plays. They always + repent, and the moment they repent they die. Repentance on the stage seems + to be one of the most dangerous things a man can be taken with. Our advice + to stage wicked people would undoubtedly be, "Never repent. If you value + your life, don't repent. It always means sudden death!" + </p> + <p> + To return to our adventuress. She is by no means a bad woman. There is + much good in her. This is more than proved by the fact that she learns to + love the hero before she dies; for no one but a really good woman capable + of extraordinary patience and gentleness could ever, we are convinced, + grow to feel any other sentiment for that irritating ass, than a desire to + throw bricks at him. + </p> + <p> + The stage adventuress would be a much better woman, too, if it were not + for the heroine. The adventuress makes the most complete arrangements for + being noble and self-sacrificing—that is, for going away and never + coming back, and is just about to carry them out, when the heroine, who + has a perfect genius for being in the wrong place at the right time, comes + in and spoils it all. No stage adventuress can be good while the heroine + is about. The sight of the heroine rouses every bad feeling in her breast. + </p> + <p> + We can sympathize with her in this respect. The heroine often affects + ourselves in precisely the same way. + </p> + <p> + There is a good deal to be said in favor of the adventuress. True, she + possesses rather too much sarcasm and repartee to make things quite + agreeable round the domestic hearth, and when she has got all her clothes + on there is not much room left in the place for anybody else; but taken on + the whole she is decidedly attractive. She has grit and go in her. She is + alive. She can do something to help herself besides calling for "George." + </p> + <p> + She has not got a stage child—if she ever had one, she has left it + on somebody else's doorstep which, presuming there was no water handy to + drown it in, seems to be about the most sensible thing she could have done + with it. She is not oppressively good. + </p> + <p> + She never wants to be "unhanded" or "let to pass." + </p> + <p> + She is not always being shocked or insulted by people telling her that + they love her; she does not seem to mind it if they do. She is not always + fainting, and crying, and sobbing, and wailing, and moaning, like the good + people in the play are. + </p> + <p> + Oh, they do have an unhappy time of it—the good people in plays! + Then she is the only person in the piece who can sit on the comic man. + </p> + <p> + We sometimes think it would be a fortunate thing—for him—if + they allowed her to marry and settle down quietly with the hero. She might + make a man of him in time. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE SERVANT-GIRL. + </h2> + <p> + There are two types of servant-girl to be met with on the stage. This is + an unusual allowance for one profession. + </p> + <p> + There is the lodging-house slavey. She has a good heart and a smutty face + and is always dressed according to the latest fashion in scarecrows. Her + leading occupation is the cleaning of boots. She cleans boots all over the + house, at all hours of the day. She comes and sits down on the hero's + breakfast-table and cleans them over the poor fellow's food. She comes + into the drawing-room cleaning boots. + </p> + <p> + She has her own method of cleaning them, too. She rubs off the mud, puts + on the blacking, and polishes up all with the same brush. They take an + enormous amount of polishing. She seems to do nothing else all day long + but walk about shining one boot, and she breathes on it and rubs it till + you wonder there is any leather left, yet it never seems to get any + brighter, nor, indeed, can you expect it to, for when you look close you + see it is a patent-leather boot that she has been throwing herself away + upon all this time. + </p> + <p> + Somebody has been having a lark with the poor girl. + </p> + <p> + The lodging-house slavey brushes her hair with the boot brush and blacks + the end of her nose with it. + </p> + <p> + We were acquainted with a lodging-house slavey once—a real one, we + mean. She was the handmaiden at a house in Bloomsbury where we once hung + out. She was untidy in her dress, it is true, but she had not quite that + castaway and gone-to-sleep-in-a-dust-bin appearance that we, an earnest + student of the drama, felt she ought to present, and we questioned her one + day on the subject. + </p> + <p> + "How is it, Sophronia," we said, "that you distantly resemble a human + being instead of giving one the idea of an animated rag-shop? Don't you + ever polish your nose with the blacking-brush, or rub coal into your head, + or wash your face in treacle, or put skewers into your hair, or anything + of that sort, like they do on the stage?" + </p> + <p> + She said: "Lord love you, what should I want to go and be a bally idiot + like that for?" + </p> + <p> + And we have not liked to put the question elsewhere since then. + </p> + <p> + The other type of servant-girl on the stage—the villa servant-girl—is + a very different personage. She is a fetching little thing, dresses + bewitchingly, and is always clean. Her duties are to dust the legs of the + chairs in the drawing-room. That is the only work she ever has to do, but + it must be confessed she does that thoroughly. She never comes into the + room without dusting the legs of these chairs, and she dusts them again + before she goes out. + </p> + <p> + If anything ought to be free from dust in a stage house, it should be the + legs of the drawing-room chairs. + </p> + <p> + She is going to marry the man-servant, is the stage servant-girl, as soon + as they have saved up sufficient out of their wages to buy a hotel. They + think they will like to keep a hotel. They don't understand a bit about + the business, which we believe is a complicated one, but this does not + trouble them in the least. + </p> + <p> + They quarrel a good deal over their love-making, do the stage servant-girl + and her young man, and they always come into the drawing-room to do it. + They have got the kitchen, and there is the garden (with a fountain and + mountains in the background—you can see it through the window), but + no! no place in or about the house is good enough for them to quarrel in + except the drawing-room. They quarrel there so vigorously that it even + interferes with the dusting of the chair-legs. + </p> + <p> + She ought not to be long in saving up sufficient to marry on, for the + generosity of people on the stage to the servants there makes one + seriously consider the advisability of ignoring the unremunerative + professions of ordinary life and starting a new and more promising career + as a stage servant. + </p> + <p> + No one ever dreams of tipping the stage servant with less than a sovereign + when they ask her if her mistress is at home or give her a letter to post, + and there is quite a rush at the end of the piece to stuff five-pound + notes into her hand. The good old man gives her ten. + </p> + <p> + The stage servant is very impudent to her mistress, and the master—he + falls in love with her and it does upset the house so. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes the servant-girl is good and faithful, and then she is Irish. + All good servant-girls on the stage are Irish. + </p> + <p> + All the male visitors are expected to kiss the stage servant-girl when + they come into the house, and to dig her in the ribs and to say: "Do you + know, Jane, I think you're an uncommonly nice girl—click." They + always say this, and she likes it. + </p> + <p> + Many years ago, when we were young, we thought we would see if things were + the same off the stage, and the next time we called at a certain friend's + house we tried this business on. + </p> + <p> + She wasn't quite so dazzlingly beautiful as they are on the stage, but we + passed that. She showed us up into the drawing-room, and then said she + would go and tell her mistress we were there. + </p> + <p> + We felt this was the time to begin. We skipped between her and the door. + We held our hat in front of us, cocked our head on one side, and said: + "Don't go! don't go!" + </p> + <p> + The girl seemed alarmed. We began to get a little nervous ourselves, but + we had begun it and we meant to go through with it. + </p> + <p> + We said, "Do you know, Jane" (her name wasn't Jane, but that wasn't our + fault), "do you know, Jane, I think you're an uncommonly nice girl," and + we said "click," and dug her in the ribs with our elbow, and then chucked + her under the chin. The whole thing seemed to fall flat. There was nobody + there to laugh or applaud. We wished we hadn't done it. It seemed stupid + when you came to think of it. We began to feel frightened. The business + wasn't going as we expected; but we screwed up our courage and went on. + </p> + <p> + We put on the customary expression of comic imbecility and beckoned the + girl to us. We have never seen this fail on the stage. + </p> + <p> + But this girl seemed made wrong. She got behind the sofa and screamed + "Help!" + </p> + <p> + We have never known them to do this on the stage, and it threw us out in + our plans. We did not know exactly what to do. We regretted that we had + ever begun this job and heartily wished ourselves out of it. But it + appeared foolish to pause then, when we were more than half-way through, + and we made a rush to get it over. + </p> + <p> + We chivvied the girl round the sofa and caught her near the door and + kissed her. She scratched our face, yelled police, murder, and fire, and + fled from the room. + </p> + <p> + Our friend came in almost immediately. He said: + </p> + <p> + "I say, J., old man, are you drunk?" + </p> + <p> + We told him no, that we were only a student of the drama. His wife then + entered in a towering passion. She didn't ask us if we were drunk. She + said: + </p> + <p> + "How dare you come here in this state!" + </p> + <p> + We endeavored unsuccessfully to induce her to believe that we were sober, + and we explained that our course of conduct was what was always pursued on + the stage. + </p> + <p> + She said she didn't care what was done on the stage, it wasn't going to be + pursued in her house; and that if her husband's friends couldn't behave as + gentlemen they had better stop away. + </p> + <p> + The following morning we received a letter from a firm of solicitors in + Lincoln's Inn with reference, so they put it, to the brutal and unprovoked + assault committed by us on the previous afternoon upon the person of their + client, Miss Matilda Hemmings. The letter stated that we had punched Miss + Hemmings in the side, struck her under the chin, and afterward, seizing + her as she was leaving the room, proceeded to commit a gross assault, into + the particulars of which it was needless for them to enter at greater + length. + </p> + <p> + It added that if we were prepared to render an ample written apology and + to pay 50 pounds compensation, they would advise their client, Miss + Matilda Hemmings, to allow the matter to drop; otherwise criminal + proceedings would at once be commenced against us. + </p> + <p> + We took the letter to our own solicitors and explained the circumstances + to them. They said it seemed to be a very sad case, but advised us to pay + the 50 pounds, and we borrowed the money and did so. + </p> + <p> + Since then we have lost faith, somehow, in the British drama as a guide to + the conduct of life. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE CHILD. + </h2> + <h3> + It is nice and quiet and it talks prettily. + </h3> + <p> + We have come across real infants now and then in the course of visits to + married friends; they have been brought to us from outlying parts of the + house and introduced to us for our edification; and we have found them + gritty and sticky. Their boots have usually been muddy, and they have + wiped them up against our new trousers. And their hair has suggested the + idea that they have been standing on their heads in the dust-bin. + </p> + <p> + And they have talked to us—but not prettily, not at all—rather + rude we should call it. + </p> + <p> + But the stage child is very different. It is clean and tidy. You can touch + it anywhere and nothing comes off. Its face glows with soap and water. + From the appearance of its hands it is evident that mud-pies and tar are + joys unknown to it. As for its hair, there is something uncanny about its + smoothness and respectability. Even its boot-laces are done up. + </p> + <p> + We have never seen anything like the stage child outside a theater + excepting one—that was on the pavement in front of a tailor's shop + in Tottenham Court Road. He stood on a bit of round wood, and it was + fifteen and nine, his style. + </p> + <p> + We thought in our ignorance prior to this that there could not be anything + in the world like the stage child, but you see we were mistaken. + </p> + <p> + The stage child is affectionate to its parents and its nurse and is + respectful in its demeanor toward those whom Providence has placed in + authority over it; and so far it is certainly much to be preferred to the + real article. It speaks of its male and female progenitors as "dear, dear + papa" and "dear, dear mamma," and it refers to its nurse as "darling + nursey." We are connected with a youthful child ourselves—a real one—a + nephew. He alludes to his father (when his father is not present) as "the + old man," and always calls the nurse "old nut-crackers." Why cannot they + make real children who say "dear, dear mamma" and "dear, dear papa?" + </p> + <p> + The stage child is much superior to the live infant in every way. The + stage child does not go rampaging about a house and screeching and yelling + till nobody knows whether they are on their heads or their heels. + </p> + <p> + A stage child does not get up at five o'clock in the morning to practice + playing on a penny whistle. A stage child never wants a bicycle and drives + you mad about it. A stage child does not ask twenty complicated questions + a minute about things that you don't understand, and then wind up by + asking why you don't seem to know anything, and why wouldn't anybody teach + you anything when you were a little boy. + </p> + <p> + The stage child does not wear a hole in the seat of its knickerbockers and + have to have a patch let in. The stage child comes downstairs on its feet. + </p> + <p> + The stage child never brings home six other children to play at horses in + the front garden, and then wants to know if they can all come in to tea. + The stage child never has the wooping-cough, and the measles, and every + other disease that it can lay its hands on, and be laid up with them one + after the other and turn the house upside down. + </p> + <p> + The stage child's department in the scheme of life is to harrow up its + mother's feelings by ill-timed and uncalled-for questions about its + father. It always wants to know, before a roomful of people, where "dear + papa" is, and why he has left dear mamma; when, as all the guests know, + the poor man is doing his two years' hard or waiting to be hanged. It + makes everybody so uncomfortable. + </p> + <p> + It is always harrowing up somebody—the stage child; it really ought + not to be left about as it is. When it has done upsetting its mother it + fishes out some broken-hearted maid, who has just been cruelly severed + forever from her lover, and asks her in a high falsetto voice why she + doesn't get married, and prattles to her about love, and domestic bliss, + and young men, and any other subject it can think of particularly + calculated to lacerate the poor girl's heart until her brain nearly gives + way. + </p> + <p> + After that it runs amuck up and down the whole play and makes everybody + sit up all round. It asks eminently respectable old maids if they wouldn't + like to have a baby; and it wants to know why bald-headed old men have + left off wearing hair, and why other old gentlemen have red noses and if + they were always that color. + </p> + <p> + In some plays it so happens that the less said about the origin and source + of the stage child the better; and in such cases nothing will appear so + important to that contrary brat as to know, in the middle of an + evening-party, who its father was! + </p> + <p> + Everybody loves the stage child. They catch it up in their bosoms every + other minute and weep over it. They take it in turns to do this. + </p> + <p> + Nobody—on the stage, we mean—ever has enough of the stage + child. Nobody ever tells the stage child to "shut up" or to "get out of + this." Nobody ever clumps the stage child over the head. + </p> + <p> + When the real child goes to the theater it must notice these things and + wish it were a stage child. + </p> + <p> + The stage child is much admired by the audience. Its pathos makes them + weep; its tragedy thrills them; its declamation—as for instance when + it takes the center of the stage and says it will kill the wicked man, and + the police, and everybody who hurts its mar—stirs them like a + trumpet note; and its light comedy is generally held to be the most truly + humorous thing in the whole range of dramatic art. + </p> + <p> + But there are some people so strangely constituted that they do not + appreciate the stage child; they do not comprehend its uses; they do not + understand its beauties. We should not be angry with them. We should the + rather pity them. + </p> + <p> + We ourselves had a friend once who suffered from this misfortune. He was a + married man, and Providence had been very gracious, very good to him: he + had been blessed with eleven children, and they were all growing up well + and strong. + </p> + <p> + The "baby" was eleven weeks old, and then came the twins, who were getting + on for fifteen months and were cutting their double teeth nicely. The + youngest girl was three; there were five boys aged seven, eight, nine, + ten, and twelve respectively—good enough lads, but—well, + there, boys will be boys, you know; we were just the same ourselves when + we were young. The two eldest were both very pleasant girls, as their + mother said; the only pity was that they would quarrel so with each other. + </p> + <p> + We never knew a healthier set of boys and girls. They were so full of + energy and dash. + </p> + <p> + Our friend was very much out of sorts one evening when we called on him. + It was holiday-time and wet weather. He had been at home all day, and so + had all the children. He was telling his wife when we entered the room + that if the holidays were to last much longer and those twins did not + hurry up and get their teeth quickly, he should have to go away and join + the County Council. He could not stand the racket. + </p> + <p> + His wife said she could not see what he had to complain of. She was sure + better-hearted children no man could have. + </p> + <p> + Our friend said he didn't care a straw about their hearts. It was their + legs and arms and lungs that were driving him crazy. + </p> + <p> + He also said that he would go out with us and get away from it for a bit, + or he should go mad. + </p> + <p> + He proposed a theater, and we accordingly made our way toward the Strand. + Our friend, in closing the door behind him, said he could not tell us what + a relief it was to get away from those children. He said he loved children + very much indeed, but that it was a mistake to have too much of anything, + however much you liked it, and that he had come to the conclusion that + twenty-two hours a day of them was enough for any one. + </p> + <p> + He said he did not want to see another child or hear another child until + he got home. He wanted to forget that there were such things as children + in the world. + </p> + <p> + We got up to the Strand and dropped into the first theater we came to. The + curtain went up, and on the stage was a small child standing in its + nightshirt and screaming for its mother. + </p> + <p> + Our friend looked, said one word and bolted, and we followed. + </p> + <p> + We went a little further and dropped into another theater. + </p> + <p> + Here there were two children on the stage. Some grown-up people were + standing round them listening, in respectful attitudes, while the children + talked. They appeared to be lecturing about something. + </p> + <p> + Again we fled, swearing, and made our way to a third theater. They were + all children there. It was somebody or other's Children's Company + performing an opera, or pantomime, or something of that sort. + </p> + <p> + Our friend said he would not venture into another theater. He said he had + heard there were places called music-halls, and he begged us to take him + to one of these and not to tell his wife. + </p> + <p> + We inquired of a policeman and found that there really were such places, + and we took him into one. + </p> + <p> + The first thing we saw were two little boys doing tricks on a horizontal + bar. + </p> + <p> + Our friend was about to repeat his customary programme of flying and + cursing, but we restrained him. We assured him that he would really see a + grown-up person if he waited a bit, so he sat out the boys and also their + little sister on a bicycle and waited for the next item. + </p> + <p> + It turned out to be an infant phenomenon who sang and danced in fourteen + different costumes, and we once more fled. + </p> + <p> + Our friend said he could not go home in the state he was then; he felt + sure he should kill the twins if he did. He pondered for awhile, and then + he thought he would go and hear some music. He said he thought a little + music would soothe and ennoble him—make him feel more like a + Christian than he did at that precise moment. + </p> + <p> + We were near St. James' Hall, so we went in there. + </p> + <p> + The hall was densely crowded, and we had great difficulty in forcing our + way to our seats. We reached them at length, and then turned our eyes + toward the orchestra. + </p> + <p> + "The marvelous boy pianist—only ten years old!" was giving a + recital. + </p> + <p> + Then our friend rose and said he thought he would give it up and go home. + </p> + <p> + We asked him if he would like to try any other place of amusement, but he + said "No." He said that when you came to think of it, it seemed a waste of + money for a man with eleven children of his own to go about to places of + entertainment nowadays. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE COMIC LOVERS. + </h2> + <p> + Oh, they are funny! The comic lovers' mission in life is to serve as a + sort of "relief" to the misery caused the audience by the other characters + in the play; and all that is wanted now is something that will be a relief + to the comic lovers. + </p> + <p> + They have nothing to do with the play, but they come on immediately after + anything very sad has happened and make love. This is why we watch sad + scenes on the stage with such patience. We are not eager for them to be + got over. Maybe they are very uninteresting scenes, as well as sad ones, + and they make us yawn; but we have no desire to see them hurried through. + The longer they take the better pleased we are: we know that when they are + finished the comic lovers will come on. + </p> + <p> + They are always very rude to each other, the comic lovers. Everybody is + more or less rude and insulting to every body else on the stage; they call + it repartee there! We tried the effect of a little stage "repartee" once + upon some people in real life, and we wished we hadn't afterward. It was + too subtle for them. They summoned us before a magistrate for "using + language calculated to cause a breach of the peace." We were fined 2 + pounds and costs! + </p> + <p> + They are more lenient to "wit and humor" on the stage, and know how to + encourage the art of vituperation. But the comic lovers carry the practice + almost to excess. They are more than rude—they are abusive. They + insult each other from morning to night. What their married life will be + like we shudder to think! + </p> + <p> + In the various slanging matches and bullyragging competitions which form + their courtship it is always the maiden that is most successful. Against + her merry flow of invective and her girlish wealth of offensive + personalities the insolence and abuse of her boyish adorer cannot stand + for one moment. + </p> + <p> + To give an idea of how the comic lovers woo, we perhaps cannot do better + than subjoin the following brief example: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + <i>SCENE: Main thoroughfare in populous district of London. Time: + Noon. Not a soul to be seen anywhere.</i> + + <i>Enter comic loveress R., walking in the middle of the road.</i> + + <i>Enter comic lover L., also walking in the middle of the road.</i> + + <i>They neither see the other until they bump against each other in + the center.</i> +</pre> + <p> + HE. Why, Jane! Who'd a' thought o' meeting you here! + </p> + <p> + SHE. You evidently didn't—stoopid! + </p> + <p> + HE. Halloo! got out o' bed the wrong side again? I say, Jane, if you go on + like that you'll never get a man to marry you. + </p> + <p> + SHE. So I thought when I engaged myself to you. + </p> + <p> + HE. Oh! come, Jane, don't be hard. + </p> + <p> + SHE. Well, one of us must be hard. You're soft enough. + </p> + <p> + HE. Yes, I shouldn't want to marry you if I weren't. Ha! ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + SHE. Oh, you gibbering idiot! (<i>Said archly.</i>) + </p> + <p> + HE. So glad I am. We shall make a capital match (<i>attempts to kiss her</i>). + </p> + <p> + SHE (<i>slipping away</i>). Yes, and you'll find I'm a match that can + strike (<i>fetches him a violent blow over the side if the head</i>). + </p> + <p> + HE (<i>holding his jaw—in a literal sense, we mean</i>). I can't + help feeling smitten by her. + </p> + <p> + SHE. Yes, I'm a bit of a spanker, ain't I? + </p> + <p> + HE. Spanker. I call you a regular stunner. You've nearly made me silly. + </p> + <p> + SHE (<i>laughing playfully</i>). No, nature did that for you, Joe, long + ago. + </p> + <p> + HE. Ah, well, you've made me smart enough now, you boss-eyed old cow, you! + </p> + <p> + SHE. Cow! am I? Ah, I suppose that's what makes me so fond of a calf, you + German sausage on legs! You— + </p> + <p> + HE. Go along. Your mother brought you up on sour milk. + </p> + <p> + SHE. Yah! They weaned you on thistles, didn't they? + </p> + <p> + And so on, with such like badinage do they hang about in the middle of + that road, showering derision and contumely upon each other for full ten + minutes, when, with one culminating burst of mutual abuse, they go off + together fighting and the street is left once more deserted. + </p> + <p> + It is very curious, by the bye, how deserted all public places become + whenever a stage character is about. It would seem as though ordinary + citizens sought to avoid them. We have known a couple of stage villains to + have Waterloo Bridge, Lancaster Place, and a bit of the Strand entirely to + themselves for nearly a quarter of an hour on a summer's afternoon while + they plotted a most diabolical outrage. + </p> + <p> + As for Trafalgar Square, the hero always chooses that spot when he wants + to get away from the busy crowd and commune in solitude with his own + bitter thoughts; and the good old lawyer leaves his office and goes there + to discuss any very delicate business over which he particularly does not + wish to be disturbed. + </p> + <p> + And they all make speeches there to an extent sufficient to have turned + the hair of the late lamented Sir Charles Warren White with horror. But it + is all right, because there is nobody near to hear them. As far as the eye + can reach, not a living thing is to be seen. Northumberland Avenue, the + Strand, and St. Martin's Lane are simply a wilderness. The only sign of + life about is a 'bus at the top of Whitehall, and it appears to be + blocked. + </p> + <p> + How it has managed to get blocked we cannot say. It has the whole road to + itself, and is, in fact, itself the only traffic for miles round. Yet + there it sticks for hours. The police make no attempt to move it on and + the passengers seem quite contented. + </p> + <p> + The Thames Embankment is an even still more lonesome and desolate part. + Wounded (stage) spirits fly from the haunts of men and, leaving the hard, + cold world far, far behind them, go and die in peace on the Thames + Embankment. And other wanderers, finding their skeletons afterward, bury + them there and put up rude crosses over the graves to mark the spot. + </p> + <p> + The comic lovers are often very young, and when people on the stage are + young they <i>are</i> young. He is supposed to be about sixteen and she is + fifteen. But they both talk as if they were not more than seven. + </p> + <p> + In real life "boys" of sixteen know a thing or two, we have generally + found. The average "boy" of sixteen nowadays usually smokes cavendish and + does a little on the Stock Exchange or makes a book; and as for love! he + has quite got over it by that age. On the stage, however, the new-born + babe is not in it for innocence with the boy lover of sixteen. + </p> + <p> + So, too, with the maiden. Most girls of fifteen off the stage, so our + experience goes, know as much as there is any actual necessity for them to + know, Mr. Gilbert notwithstanding; but when we see a young lady of fifteen + on the stage we wonder where her cradle is. + </p> + <p> + The comic lovers do not have the facilities for love-making that the hero + and heroine do. The hero and heroine have big rooms to make love in, with + a fire and plenty of easy-chairs, so that they can sit about in + picturesque attitudes and do it comfortably. Or if they want to do it out + of doors they have a ruined abbey, with a big stone seat in the center, + and moonlight. + </p> + <p> + The comic lovers, on the other hand, have to do it standing up all the + time, in busy streets, or in cheerless-looking and curiously narrow rooms + in which there is no furniture whatever and no fire. + </p> + <p> + And there is always a tremendous row going on in the house when the comic + lovers are making love. Somebody always seems to be putting up pictures in + the next room, and putting them up boisterously, too, so that the comic + lovers have to shout at each other. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE PEASANTS. + </h2> + <p> + They are so clean. We have seen peasantry off the stage, and it has + presented an untidy—occasionally a disreputable and unwashed—appearance; + but the stage peasant seems to spend all his wages on soap and hair-oil. + </p> + <p> + They are always round the corner—or rather round the two corners—and + they come on in a couple of streams and meet in the center; and when they + are in their proper position they smile. + </p> + <p> + There is nothing like the stage peasants' smile in this world—nothing + so perfectly inane, so calmly imbecile. + </p> + <p> + They are so happy. They don't look it, but we know they are because they + say so. If you don't believe them, they dance three steps to the right and + three steps to the left back again. They can't help it. It is because they + are so happy. + </p> + <p> + When they are more than usually rollicking they stand in a semicircle, + with their hands on each other's shoulders, and sway from side to side, + trying to make themselves sick. But this is only when they are simply + bursting with joy. + </p> + <p> + Stage peasants never have any work to do. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes we see them going to work, sometimes coming home from work, but + nobody has ever seen them actually at work. They could not afford to work—it + would spoil their clothes. + </p> + <p> + They are very sympathetic, are stage peasants. They never seem to have any + affairs of their own to think about, but they make up for this by taking a + three-hundred-horse-power interest in things in which they have no earthly + concern. + </p> + <p> + What particularly rouses them is the heroine's love affairs. They could + listen to them all day. + </p> + <p> + They yearn to hear what she said to him and to be told what he replied to + her, and they repeat it to each other. + </p> + <p> + In our own love-sick days we often used to go and relate to various people + all the touching conversations that took place between our lady-love and + ourselves; but our friends never seemed to get excited over it. On the + contrary, a casual observer might even have been led to the idea that they + were bored by our recital. And they had trains to catch and men to meet + before we had got a quarter through the job. + </p> + <p> + Ah, how often in those days have we yearned for the sympathy of a stage + peasantry, who would have crowded round us, eager not to miss one word of + the thrilling narrative, who would have rejoiced with us with an + encouraging laugh, and have condoled with us with a grieved "Oh," and who + would have gone off, when we had had enough of them, singing about it. + </p> + <p> + By the way, this is a very beautiful trait in the character of the stage + peasantry, their prompt and unquestioning compliance with the slightest + wish of any of the principals. + </p> + <p> + "Leave me, friends," says the heroine, beginning to make preparations for + weeping, and before she can turn round they are clean gone—one lot + to the right, evidently making for the back entrance of the public-house, + and the other half to the left, where they visibly hide themselves behind + the pump and wait till somebody else wants them. + </p> + <p> + The stage peasantry do not talk much, their strong point being to listen. + When they cannot get any more information about the state of the heroine's + heart, they like to be told long and complicated stories about wrongs done + years ago to people that they never heard of. They seem to be able to + grasp and understand these stories with ease. This makes the audience + envious of them. + </p> + <p> + When the stage peasantry do talk, however, they soon make up for lost + time. They start off all together with a suddenness that nearly knocks you + over. + </p> + <p> + They all talk. Nobody listens. Watch any two of them. They are both + talking as hard as they can go. They have been listening quite enough to + other people: you can't expect them to listen to each other. But the + conversation under such conditions must be very trying. + </p> + <p> + And then they flirt so sweetly! so idyllicly! + </p> + <p> + It has been our privilege to see real peasantry flirt, and it has always + struck us as a singularly solid and substantial affair—makes one + think, somehow, of a steam-roller flirting with a cow—but on the + stage it is so sylph-like. She has short skirts, and her stockings are so + much tidier and better fitting than these things are in real peasant life, + and she is arch and coy. She turns away from him and laughs—such a + silvery laugh. And he is ruddy and curly haired and has on such a + beautiful waistcoat! how can she help but love him? And he is so tender + and devoted and holds her by the waist; and she slips round and comes up + the other side. Oh, it is so bewitching! + </p> + <p> + The stage peasantry like to do their love-making as much in public as + possible. Some people fancy a place all to themselves for this sort of + thing—where nobody else is about. We ourselves do. But the stage + peasant is more sociably inclined. Give him the village green, just + outside the public-house, or the square on market-day to do his spooning + in. + </p> + <p> + They are very faithful, are stage peasants. No jilting, no fickleness, no + breach of promise. If the gentleman in pink walks out with the lady in + blue in the first act, pink and blue will be married in the end. He sticks + to her all through and she sticks to him. + </p> + <p> + Girls in yellow may come and go, girls in green may laugh and dance—the + gentleman in pink heeds them not. Blue is his color, and he never leaves + it. He stands beside it, he sits beside it. He drinks with her, he smiles + with her, he laughs with her, he dances with her, he comes on with her, he + goes off with her. + </p> + <p> + When the time comes for talking he talks to her and only her, and she + talks to him and only him. Thus there is no jealousy, no quarreling. But + we should prefer an occasional change ourselves. + </p> + <p> + There are no married people in stage villages and no children + (consequently, of course—happy village! oh, to discover it and spend a + month there!). There are just the same number of men as there are women in + all stage villages, and they are all about the same age and each young man + loves some young woman. But they never marry. + </p> + <p> + They talk a lot about it, but they never do it. The artful beggars! They + see too much what it's like among the principals. + </p> + <p> + The stage peasant is fond of drinking, and when he drinks he likes to let + you know he is drinking. None of your quiet half-pint inside the bar for + him. He likes to come out in the street and sing about it and do tricks + with it, such as turning it topsy-turvy over his head. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding all this he is moderate, mind you. You can't say he takes + too much. One small jug of ale among forty is his usual allowance. + </p> + <p> + He has a keen sense of humor and is easily amused. There is something + almost pathetic about the way he goes into convulsions of laughter over + such very small jokes. How a man like that would enjoy a real joke! One + day he will perhaps hear a real joke. Who knows? It will, however, + probably kill him. One grows to love the stage peasant after awhile. He is + so good, so child-like, so unworldly. He realizes one's ideal of + Christianity. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GOOD OLD MAN. + </h2> + <h3> + He has lost his wife. But he knows where she is—among the angels! + </h3> + <p> + She isn't all gone, because the heroine has her hair. "Ah, you've got your + mother's hair," says the good old man, feeling the girl's head all over as + she kneels beside him. Then they all wipe away a tear. + </p> + <p> + The people on the stage think very highly of the good old man, but they + don't encourage him much after the first act. He generally dies in the + first act. + </p> + <p> + If he does not seem likely to die they murder him. + </p> + <p> + He is a most unfortunate old gentleman. Anything he is mixed up in seems + bound to go wrong. If he is manager or director of a bank, smash it goes + before even one act is over. His particular firm is always on the verge of + bankruptcy. We have only to be told that he has put all his savings into a + company—no matter how sound and promising an affair it may always + have been and may still seem—to know that that company is a "goner." + </p> + <p> + No power on earth can save it after once the good old man has become a + shareholder. + </p> + <p> + If we lived in stage-land and were asked to join any financial scheme, our + first question would be: + </p> + <p> + "Is the good old man in it?" If so, that would decide us. + </p> + <p> + When the good old man is a trustee for any one he can battle against + adversity much longer. He is a plucky old fellow, and while that trust + money lasts he keeps a brave heart and fights on boldly. It is not until + he has spent the last penny of it that he gives way. + </p> + <p> + It then flashes across the old man's mind that his motives for having + lived in luxury upon that trust money for years may possibly be + misunderstood. The world—the hollow, heartless world—will call + it a swindle and regard him generally as a precious old fraud. + </p> + <p> + This idea quite troubles the good old man. + </p> + <p> + But the world really ought not to blame him. No one, we are sure, could be + more ready and willing to make amends (when found out); and to put matters + right he will cheerfully sacrifice his daughter's happiness and marry her + to the villain. + </p> + <p> + The villain, by the way, has never a penny to bless himself with, and + cannot even pay his own debts, let alone helping anybody else out of a + scrape. But the good old man does not think of this. + </p> + <p> + Our own personal theory, based upon a careful comparison of similarities, + is that the good old man is in reality the stage hero grown old. There is + something about the good old man's chuckle-headed simplicity, about his + helpless imbecility, and his irritating damtom foolishness that is + strangely suggestive of the hero. + </p> + <p> + He is just the sort of old man that we should imagine the hero would + develop into. + </p> + <p> + We may, of course, be wrong; but that is our idea. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE IRISHMAN. + </h2> + <p> + He says "Shure" and "Bedad" and in moments of exultation "Beghorra." That + is all the Irish he knows. + </p> + <p> + He is very poor, but scrupulously honest. His great ambition is to pay his + rent, and he is devoted to his landlord. + </p> + <p> + He is always cheerful and always good. We never knew a bad Irishman on the + stage. Sometimes a stage Irishman seems to be a bad man—such as the + "agent" or the "informer"—but in these cases it invariably turns out + in the end that this man was all along a Scotchman, and thus what had been + a mystery becomes clear and explicable. + </p> + <p> + The stage Irishman is always doing the most wonderful things imaginable. + We do not see him do those wonderful things. He does them when nobody is + by and tells us all about them afterward: that is how we know of them. + </p> + <p> + We remember on one occasion, when we were young and somewhat + inexperienced, planking our money down and going into a theater solely and + purposely to see the stage Irishman do the things he was depicted as doing + on the posters outside. + </p> + <p> + They were really marvelous, the things he did on that poster. + </p> + <p> + In the right-hand upper corner he appeared running across country on all + fours, with a red herring sticking out from his coat-tails, while far + behind came hounds and horsemen hunting him. But their chance of ever + catching him up was clearly hopeless. + </p> + <p> + To the left he was represented as running away over one of the wildest and + most rugged bits of landscape we have ever seen with a very big man on his + back. Six policemen stood scattered about a mile behind him. They had + evidently been running after him, but had at last given up the pursuit as + useless. + </p> + <p> + In the center of the poster he was having a friendly fight with seventeen + ladies and gentlemen. Judging from the costumes, the affair appeared to be + a wedding. A few of the guests had already been killed and lay dead about + the floor. The survivors, however, were enjoying themselves immensely, and + of all that gay group he was the gayest. + </p> + <p> + At the moment chosen by the artist, he had just succeeded in cracking the + bridegroom's skull. + </p> + <p> + "We must see this," said we to ourselves. "This is good." And we had a + bob's worth. + </p> + <p> + But he did not do any of the things that we have mentioned, after all—at + least, we mean we did not see him do any of them. It seems he did them + "off," and then came on and told his mother all about it afterward. + </p> + <p> + He told it very well, but somehow or other we were disappointed. We had so + reckoned on that fight. + </p> + <p> + By the bye, we have noticed, even among the characters of real life, a + tendency to perform most of their wonderful feats "off." + </p> + <p> + It has been our privilege since then to gaze upon many posters on which + have been delineated strange and moving stage events. + </p> + <p> + We have seen the hero holding the villain up high above his head, and + throwing him about that carelessly that we have felt afraid he would break + something with him. + </p> + <p> + We have seen a heroine leaping from the roof of a house on one side of the + street and being caught by the comic man standing on the roof of a house + on the other side of the street and thinking nothing of it. + </p> + <p> + We have seen railway trains rushing into each other at the rate of sixty + miles an hour. We have seen houses blown up by dynamite two hundred feet + into the air. We have seen the defeat of the Spanish Armada, the + destruction of Pompeii, and the return of the British army from Egypt in + one "set" each. + </p> + <p> + Such incidents as earthquakes, wrecks in mid-ocean, revolutions and + battles we take no note of, they being commonplace and ordinary. + </p> + <p> + But we do not go inside to see these things now. We have two looks at the + poster instead; it is more satisfying. + </p> + <p> + The Irishman, to return to our friend, is very fond of whisky—the + stage Irishman, we mean. Whisky is forever in his thoughts—and often + in other places belonging to him, besides. + </p> + <p> + The fashion in dress among stage Irishmen is rather picturesque than neat. + Tailors must have a hard time of it in stage Ireland. + </p> + <p> + The stage Irishman has also an original taste in hats. He always wears a + hat without a crown; whether to keep his head cool or with any political + significance we cannot say. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DETECTIVE. + </h2> + <p> + Ah! he is a cute one, he is. Possibly in real life he would not be deemed + anything extraordinary, but by contrast with the average of stage men and + women, any one who is not a born fool naturally appears somewhat + Machiavellian. + </p> + <p> + He is the only man in the play who does not swallow all the villain tells + him and believe it, and come up with his mouth open for more. He is the + only man who can see through the disguise of an overcoat and a new hat. + </p> + <p> + There is something very wonderful about the disguising power of cloaks and + hats upon the stage. This comes from the habit people on the stage have of + recognizing their friends, not by their faces and voices, but by their + cloaks and hats. + </p> + <p> + A married man on the stage knows his wife, because he knows she wears a + blue ulster and a red bonnet. The moment she leaves off that blue ulster + and red bonnet he is lost and does not know where she is. + </p> + <p> + She puts on a yellow cloak and a green hat, and coming in at another door + says she is a lady from the country, and does he want a housekeeper? + </p> + <p> + Having lost his beloved wife, and feeling that there is no one now to keep + the children quiet, he engages her. She puzzles him a good deal, this new + housekeeper. There is something about her that strangely reminds him of + his darling Nell—maybe her boots and dress, which she has not had + time to change. + </p> + <p> + Sadly the slow acts pass away until one day, as it is getting near + closing-time, she puts on the blue ulster and the red bonnet again and + comes in at the old original door. + </p> + <p> + Then he recognizes her and asks her where she has been all these cruel + years. + </p> + <p> + Even the bad people, who as a rule do possess a little sense—indeed, + they are the only persons in the play who ever pretend to any—are + deceived by singularly thin disguises. + </p> + <p> + The detective comes in to their secret councils, with his hat drawn down + over his eyes, and followed by the hero speaking in a squeaky voice; and + the villains mistake them for members of the band and tell them all their + plans. + </p> + <p> + If the villains can't get themselves found out that way, then they go into + a public tea-garden and recount their crimes to one another in a loud tone + of voice. + </p> + <p> + They evidently think that it is only fair to give the detective a chance. + </p> + <p> + The detective must not be confounded with the policeman. The stage + policeman is always on the side of the villain; the detective backs + virtue. + </p> + <p> + The stage detective is, in fact, the earthly agent of a discerning and + benevolent Providence. He stands by and allows vice to be triumphant and + the good people to be persecuted for awhile without interference. Then + when he considers that we have all had about enough of it (to which + conclusion, by the bye, he arrives somewhat late) he comes forward, + handcuffs the bad people, sorts out and gives back to the good people all + their various estates and wives, promises the chief villain twenty years' + penal servitude, and all is joy. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE SAILOR. + </h2> + <p> + He does suffer so with his trousers. He has to stop and pull them up about + twice every minute. + </p> + <p> + One of these days, if he is not careful, there will be an accident happen + to those trousers. + </p> + <p> + If the stage sailor will follow our advice, he will be warned in time and + will get a pair of braces. + </p> + <p> + Sailors in real life do not have nearly so much trouble with their + trousers as sailors on the stage do. Why is this? We have seen a good deal + of sailors in real life, but on only one occasion, that we can remember, + did we ever see a real sailor pull his trousers up. + </p> + <p> + And then he did not do it a bit like they do it on the stage. + </p> + <p> + The stage sailor places his right hand behind him and his left in front, + leaps up into the air, kicks out his leg behind in a gay and bird-like + way, and the thing is done. + </p> + <p> + The real sailor that we saw began by saying a bad word. Then he leaned up + against a brick wall and undid his belt, pulled up his "bags" as he stood + there (he never attempted to leap up into the air), tucked in his jersey, + shook his legs, and walked on. + </p> + <p> + It was a most unpicturesque performance to watch. + </p> + <p> + The thing that the stage sailor most craves in this life is that somebody + should shiver his timbers. + </p> + <p> + "Shiver my timbers!" is the request he makes to every one he meets. But + nobody ever does it. + </p> + <p> + His chief desire with regard to the other people in the play is that they + should "belay there, avast!" We do not know how this is done; but the + stage sailor is a good and kindly man, and we feel convinced he would not + recommend the exercise if it were not conducive to piety and health. + </p> + <p> + The stage sailor is good to his mother and dances the hornpipe + beautifully. We have never found a real sailor who could dance a hornpipe, + though we have made extensive inquiries throughout the profession. We were + introduced to a ship's steward who offered to do us a cellar-flap for a + pot of four-half, but that was not what we wanted. + </p> + <p> + The stage sailor is gay and rollicking: the real sailors we have met have + been, some of them, the most worthy and single-minded of men, but they + have appeared sedate rather than gay, and they haven't rollicked much. + </p> + <p> + The stage sailor seems to have an easy time of it when at sea. The hardest + work we have ever seen him do then has been folding up a rope or dusting + the sides of the ship. + </p> + <p> + But it is only in his very busy moments that he has to work to this + extent; most of his time is occupied in chatting with the captain. + </p> + <p> + By the way, speaking of the sea, few things are more remarkable in their + behavior than a stage sea. It must be difficult to navigate in a stage + sea, the currents are so confusing. + </p> + <p> + As for the waves, there is no knowing how to steer for them; they are so + tricky. At one moment they are all on the larboard, the sea on the other + side of the vessel being perfectly calm, and the next instant they have + crossed over and are all on the starboard, and before the captain can + think how to meet this new dodge, the whole ocean has slid round and got + itself into a heap at the back of him. + </p> + <p> + Seamanship is useless against such very unprofessional conduct as this, + and the vessel is wrecked. + </p> + <p> + A wreck at (stage) sea is a truly awful sight. The thunder and lightning + never leave off for an instant; the crew run round and round the mast and + scream; the heroine, carrying the stage child in her arms and with her + back hair down, rushes about and gets in everybody's way. The comic man + alone is calm! + </p> + <p> + The next instant the bulwarks fall down flat on the deck and the mast goes + straight up into the sky and disappears, then the water reaches the powder + magazine and there is a terrific explosion. + </p> + <p> + This is followed by a sound as of linen sheets being ripped up, and the + passengers and crew hurry downstairs into the cabin, evidently with the + idea of getting out of the way of the sea, which has climbed up and is now + level with the deck. + </p> + <p> + The next moment the vessel separates in the middle and goes off R. and L., + so as to make room for a small boat containing the heroine, the child, the + comic man, and one sailor. + </p> + <p> + The way small boats are managed at (stage) sea is even more wonderful than + the way in which ships are sailed. + </p> + <p> + To begin with, everybody sits sideways along the middle of the boat, all + facing the starboard. They do not attempt to row. One man does all the + work with one scull. This scull he puts down through the water till it + touches the bed of the ocean, and then he shoves. + </p> + <p> + "Deep-sea punting" would be the technical term for the method, we presume. + </p> + <p> + In this way do they toil—or rather, to speak correctly, does the one + man toil—through the awful night, until with joy they see before + them the light-house rocks. + </p> + <p> + The light-house keeper comes out with a lantern. The boat is run in among + the breakers and all are saved. + </p> + <p> + And then the band plays. + </p> + <p> + THE END. <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Stage-Land, by Jerome K. 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