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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes index 6833f05..d7b82bc 100644 --- a/.gitattributes +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -1,3 +1,4 @@ -* text=auto -*.txt text -*.md text +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf @@ -1,29 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Importance of Being Earnest, by Oscar Wilde - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: The Importance of Being Earnest - A Trivial Comedy for Serious People - -Author: Oscar Wilde - -Release Date: March 8, 1997 [eBook #844] -[Most recently updated: February 13, 2021] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: David Price - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST *** - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 844 *** @@ -3913,357 +3888,4 @@ my life the vital Importance of Being Earnest. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Importance of Being Earnest<br /> -A Trivial Comedy for Serious People</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Oscar Wilde</div> -<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0'>Release Date: March 8, 1997 [eBook #844]<br /> -[Most recently updated: February 13, 2021]</div> -<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> -<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: David Price</div> -<div style='margin-top:2em;margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST ***</div> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 844 ***</div> <h1>The Importance of Being Earnest</h1> @@ -71,14 +51,14 @@ A Trivial Comedy for Serious People</div> <h2>THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY</h2> -<p>John Worthing, J.P.<br /> -Algernon Moncrieff<br /> -Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.<br /> -Merriman, Butler<br /> -Lane, Manservant<br /> -Lady Bracknell<br /> -Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax<br /> -Cecily Cardew<br /> +<p>John Worthing, J.P.<br > +Algernon Moncrieff<br > +Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.<br > +Merriman, Butler<br > +Lane, Manservant<br > +Lady Bracknell<br > +Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax<br > +Cecily Cardew<br > Miss Prism, Governess </p> @@ -108,20 +88,20 @@ Street, W.</a> <p>* * * * * </p> -<p>John Worthing, J.P.: Mr. George Alexander.<br /> -Algernon Moncrieff: Mr. Allen Aynesworth.<br /> -Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.: Mr. H. H. Vincent.<br /> -Merriman: Mr. Frank Dyall.<br /> -Lane: Mr. F. Kinsey Peile.<br /> -Lady Bracknell: Miss Rose Leclercq.<br /> -Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax: Miss Irene Vanbrugh.<br /> -Cecily Cardew: Miss Evelyn Millard.<br /> +<p>John Worthing, J.P.: Mr. George Alexander.<br > +Algernon Moncrieff: Mr. Allen Aynesworth.<br > +Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.: Mr. H. H. Vincent.<br > +Merriman: Mr. Frank Dyall.<br > +Lane: Mr. F. Kinsey Peile.<br > +Lady Bracknell: Miss Rose Leclercq.<br > +Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax: Miss Irene Vanbrugh.<br > +Cecily Cardew: Miss Evelyn Millard.<br > Miss Prism: Mrs. George Canninge. </p> <div class="chapter"> -<h2><a name="chap01"></a>FIRST ACT</h2> +<h2><a id="chap01"></a>FIRST ACT</h2> <h3>SCENE</h3> @@ -134,83 +114,83 @@ adjoining room. has ceased, <b>Algernon</b> enters.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Did you hear what I was playing, Lane? </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I’m sorry for that, for your sake. I don’t play accurately—any one can play accurately—but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Yes, sir. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell? </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.] Oh! . . . by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Why is it that at a bachelor’s establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising as that? </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > I believe it <i>is</i> a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Languidly<i>.</i>] I don’t know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Thank you, sir. [<b>Lane</b> goes out.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Lane’s views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders don’t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility. @@ -219,7 +199,7 @@ as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility. <p>[Enter <b>Lane</b>.] </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Mr. Ernest Worthing. </p> @@ -229,96 +209,96 @@ Mr. Ernest Worthing. <p>[<b>Lane</b> goes out<i>.</i>] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? Eating as usual, I see, Algy! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Stiffly<i>.</i>] I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o’clock. Where have you been since last Thursday? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Sitting down on the sofa.] In the country. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > What on earth do you do there? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Pulling off his gloves<i>.</i>] When one is in town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is excessively boring. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > And who are the people you amuse? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Airily<i>.</i>] Oh, neighbours, neighbours. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > How immensely you must amuse them! [Goes over and takes sandwich.] By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these cups? Why cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young? Who is coming to tea? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > How perfectly delightful! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won’t quite approve of your being here. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > May I ask why? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town expressly to propose to her. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I thought you had come up for pleasure? . . . I call that business. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > How utterly unromantic you are! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I really don’t see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. @@ -326,68 +306,68 @@ The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I’ll certainly try to forget the fact. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven—[<b>Jack</b> puts out his hand to take a sandwich. <b>Algernon</b> at once interferes.] Please don’t touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta. [Takes one and eats it.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, you have been eating them all the time. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt. [Takes plate from below.] Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Advancing to table and helping himself.] And very good bread and butter it is too. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are not married to her already, and I don’t think you ever will be. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Why on earth do you say that? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don’t think it right. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, that is nonsense! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > It isn’t. It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place. In the second place, I don’t give my consent. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Your consent! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily. [Rings bell.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily! I don’t know any one of the name of Cecily. </p> @@ -395,26 +375,26 @@ don’t know any one of the name of Cecily. <p>[Enter <b>Lane</b>.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-room the last time he dined here. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Yes, sir. [<b>Lane</b> goes out.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than usually hard up. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found. </p> @@ -422,56 +402,56 @@ There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found. takes it at once. <b>Lane</b> goes out.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. [Opens case and examines it.] However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn’t yours after all. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Of course it’s mine. [Moving to him.] You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside. It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn’t. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn’t read. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I am quite aware of the fact, and I don’t propose to discuss modern culture. It isn’t the sort of thing one should talk of in private. I simply want my cigarette case back. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes; but this isn’t your cigarette case. This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn’t know any one of that name. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Your aunt! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells. Just give it back to me, Algy. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Retreating to back of sofa.] But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells? [Reading.] ‘From little Cecily with her fondest love.’ </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.] My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that @@ -479,7 +459,7 @@ every aunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd! For Heaven’s sake give me back my cigarette case. [Follows <b>Algernon</b> round the room.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle? ‘From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.’ There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, @@ -487,11 +467,11 @@ should call her own nephew her uncle, I can’t quite make out. Besides, your name isn’t Jack at all; it is Ernest. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > It isn’t Ernest; it’s Jack. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to every one as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life. It is perfectly @@ -502,49 +482,49 @@ ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else. [Puts the card in his pocket.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle. Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at once. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn’t a dentist. It produces a false impression. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, that is exactly what dentists always do. Now, go on! Tell me the whole thing. I may mention that I have always suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; and I am quite sure of it now. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I’ll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, produce my cigarette case first. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Here it is. [Hands cigarette case.] Now produce your explanation, and pray make it improbable. [Sits on sofa.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation at all. In fact it’s perfectly ordinary. Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss @@ -553,22 +533,22 @@ that you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place in the country under the charge of her admirable governess, Miss Prism. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Where is that place in the country, by the way? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > That is nothing to you, dear boy. You are not going to be invited . . . I may tell you candidly that the place is not in Shropshire. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I suspected that, my dear fellow! I have Bunburyed all over Shropshire on two separate occasions. Now, go on. Why are you Ernest in town and Jack in the country? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > My dear Algy, I don’t know whether you will be able to understand my real motives. You are hardly serious enough. When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects. It’s @@ -579,16 +559,16 @@ the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes. That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > That wouldn’t be at all a bad thing. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don’t try it. You should leave that to people who haven’t been at a University. They do it so well in the daily papers. What you really are is a Bunburyist. I was quite @@ -596,11 +576,11 @@ right in saying you were a Bunburyist. You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > What on earth do you mean? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like. I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go @@ -610,20 +590,20 @@ wouldn’t be able to dine with you at Willis’s to-night, for I have been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I haven’t asked you to dine with me anywhere to-night. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I know. You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations. It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I haven’t the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind. To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one’s own relations. In the second place, whenever I do dine there I am @@ -638,7 +618,7 @@ public. Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying. I want to tell you the rules. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I’m not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I’ll kill him in any case. Cecily is a little too much interested in him. It is rather a bore. So I am going to get rid of @@ -646,38 +626,38 @@ Ernest. And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr. . . . with your invalid friend who has the absurd name. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury. A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won’t want to know Bunbury. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Then your wife will. You don’t seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Sententiously.] That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the corrupt French Drama has been propounding for the last fifty years. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > For heaven’s sake, don’t try to be cynical. It’s perfectly easy to be cynical. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > My dear fellow, it isn’t easy to be anything nowadays. There’s such a lot of beastly competition about. [The sound of an electric bell is heard.] Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that @@ -686,11 +666,11 @@ can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis’s? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I suppose so, if you want to. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them. </p> @@ -698,7 +678,7 @@ meals. It is so shallow of them. <p>[Enter <b>Lane</b>.] </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax. </p> @@ -706,38 +686,38 @@ Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax. <b>Gwendolen</b>.] </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I’m feeling very well, Aunt Augusta. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > That’s not quite the same thing. In fact the two things rarely go together. [Sees <b>Jack</b> and bows to him with icy coldness.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [To <b>Gwendolen</b>.] Dear me, you are smart! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. Worthing? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > You’re quite perfect, Miss Fairfax. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions. [<b>Gwendolen</b> and <b>Jack</b> sit down together in the corner.] </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > I’m sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn’t been there since her poor husband’s death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger. @@ -745,59 +725,59 @@ And now I’ll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over to tea-table.] </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Won’t you come and sit here, Gwendolen? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Thanks, mamma, I’m quite comfortable where I am. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Picking up empty plate in horror.] Good heavens! Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > [Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. I went down twice. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > No cucumbers! </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > No, sir. Not even for ready money. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > That will do, Lane, thank you. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Thank you, sir. [Goes out.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > It certainly has changed its colour. From what cause I, of course, cannot say. [<b>Algernon</b> crosses and hands tea.] Thank you. I’ve quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar. She @@ -805,32 +785,32 @@ is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. It’s delightful to watch them. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after all. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Frowning.] I hope not, Algernon. It would put my table completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately he is accustomed to that. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again. [Exchanges glances with <b>Jack</b>.] They seem to think I should be with him. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with @@ -845,7 +825,7 @@ the season when every one has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I’ll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he’ll be all right by Saturday. Of course the music is a great difficulty. You see, if one plays good music, people @@ -854,7 +834,7 @@ I’ll run over the programme I’ve drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you. [Rising, and following <b>Algernon</b>.] I’m sure the programme will be delightful, after a few expurgations. French songs I cannot possibly allow. People always seem to think @@ -863,7 +843,7 @@ which is worse. But German sounds a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed, I believe is so. Gwendolen, you will accompany me. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Certainly, mamma. </p> @@ -871,40 +851,40 @@ Certainly, mamma. <b>Gwendolen</b> remains behind.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Pray don’t talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else. And that makes me so nervous. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I <i>do</i> mean something else. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I thought so. In fact, I am never wrong. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > And I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady Bracknell’s temporary absence . . . </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I would certainly advise you to do so. Mamma has a way of coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak to her about. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Nervously.] Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired you more than any girl . . . I have ever met since . . . I met you. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact. And I often wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative. For me you have always had an irresistible fascination. Even before I met you I was far from indifferent to @@ -917,58 +897,58 @@ first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > You really love me, Gwendolen? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Passionately! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Darling! You don’t know how happy you’ve made me. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > My own Ernest! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > But you don’t really mean to say that you couldn’t love me if my name wasn’t Ernest? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > But your name is Ernest. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you mean to say you couldn’t love me then? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Glibly.] Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don’t much care about the name of Ernest . . . I don’t think the name suits me at all. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. It produces vibrations. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Jack? . . . No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations . . . I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually @@ -978,90 +958,90 @@ know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment’s solitude. The only really safe name is Ernest. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Gwendolen, I must get christened at once—I mean we must get married at once. There is no time to be lost. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Married, Mr. Worthing? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Astounded.] Well . . . surely. You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I adore you. But you haven’t proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subject has not even been touched on. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well . . . may I propose to you now? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I think it would be an admirable opportunity. And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly before-hand that I am fully determined to accept you. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Gwendolen! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > You know what I have got to say to you. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Yes, but you don’t say it. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Gwendolen, will you marry me? [Goes on his knees.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Of course I will, darling. How long you have been about it! I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > My own one, I have never loved any one in the world but you. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my brother Gerald does. All my girl-friends tell me so. What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest! They are quite, quite, blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present. [Enter <b>Lady Bracknell</b>.] </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Mamma! [He tries to rise; she restrains him.] I must beg you to retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Finished what, may I ask? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma. [They rise together.] </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one. When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or @@ -1071,33 +1051,33 @@ Worthing. While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Reproachfully.] Mamma! </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > In the carriage, Gwendolen! [<b>Gwendolen</b> goes to the door. She and <b>Jack</b> blow kisses to each other behind <b>Lady Bracknell’s</b> back. <b>Lady Bracknell</b> looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was. Finally turns round.] Gwendolen, the carriage! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Yes, mamma. [Goes out, looking back at <b>Jack</b>.] </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Sitting down.] You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing. </p> <p>[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Pencil and note-book in hand.] I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready to @@ -1105,30 +1085,30 @@ enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, yes, I must admit I smoke. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is. How old are you? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Twenty-nine. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > A very good age to be married at. I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [After some hesitation.] I know nothing, Lady Bracknell. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in @@ -1137,150 +1117,150 @@ would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square. What is your income? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Between seven and eight thousand a year. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Makes a note in her book.] In land, or in investments? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > In investments, chiefly. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of one during one’s lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one’s death, land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it up. That’s all that can be said about land. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don’t depend on that for my real income. In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the only people who make anything out of it. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > A country house! How many bedrooms? Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the country. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady Bloxham. Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months’ notice. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Lady Bloxham? I don’t know her. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady considerably advanced in years. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character. What number in Belgrave Square? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > 149. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Shaking her head.] The unfashionable side. I thought there was something. However, that could easily be altered. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Do you mean the fashion, or the side? </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Sternly.] Both, if necessary, I presume. What are your politics? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a Liberal Unionist. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or come in the evening, at any rate. Now to minor matters. Are your parents living? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I have lost both my parents. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I am afraid I really don’t know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents. It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me . . . I don’t actually know who I am by birth. I was . . . well, I was found. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Found! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Gravely.] In a hand-bag. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > A hand-bag? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Very seriously.] Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a hand-bag—a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handles to it—an ordinary hand-bag in fact. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > In the cloak-room at Victoria Station. It was given to him in mistake for his own. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > The cloak-room at Victoria Station? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Yes. The Brighton line. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the @@ -1293,24 +1273,24 @@ now—but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognised position in good society. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? I need hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen’s happiness. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, I don’t see how I could possibly manage to do that. I can produce the hand-bag at any moment. It is in my dressing-room at home. I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Me, sir! What has it to do with me? You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter—a girl brought up with the utmost care—to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance @@ -1320,7 +1300,7 @@ with a parcel? Good morning, Mr. Worthing! <p>[<b>Lady Bracknell</b> sweeps out in majestic indignation.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Good morning! [<b>Algernon</b>, from the other room, strikes up the Wedding March. Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door.] For goodness’ sake don’t play that ghastly tune, Algy. How idiotic you are! @@ -1329,13 +1309,13 @@ sake don’t play that ghastly tune, Algy. How idiotic you are! <p>[The music stops and <b>Algernon</b> enters cheerily.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Didn’t it go off all right, old boy? You don’t mean to say Gwendolen refused you? I know it is a way she has. She is always refusing people. I think it is most ill-natured of her. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet. As far as she is concerned, we are engaged. Her mother is perfectly unbearable. Never met such a Gorgon . . . I don’t really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady @@ -1344,203 +1324,203 @@ rather unfair . . . I beg your pardon, Algy, I suppose I shouldn’t talk about your own aunt in that way before you. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, that is nonsense! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > It isn’t! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, I won’t argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > That is exactly what things were originally made for. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Upon my word, if I thought that, I’d shoot myself . . . [A pause.] You don’t think there is any chance of Gwendolen becoming like her mother in about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algy? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Is that clever? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true as any observation in civilised life should be. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can’t go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few fools left. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > We have. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > The fools? Oh! about the clever people, of course. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > What fools! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your being Ernest in town, and Jack in the country? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [In a very patronising manner.] My dear fellow, the truth isn’t quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl. What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, that is nonsense. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > What about your brother? What about the profligate Ernest? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid of him. I’ll say he died in Paris of apoplexy. Lots of people die of apoplexy, quite suddenly, don’t they? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes, but it’s hereditary, my dear fellow. It’s a sort of thing that runs in families. You had much better say a severe chill. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > You are sure a severe chill isn’t hereditary, or anything of that kind? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Of course it isn’t! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Very well, then. My poor brother Ernest is carried off suddenly, in Paris, by a severe chill. That gets rid of him. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > But I thought you said that . . . Miss Cardew was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest? Won’t she feel his loss a good deal? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, that is all right. Cecily is not a silly romantic girl, I am glad to say. She has got a capital appetite, goes long walks, and pays no attention at all to her lessons. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I would rather like to see Cecily. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I will take very good care you never do. She is excessively pretty, and she is only just eighteen. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively pretty ward who is only just eighteen? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh! one doesn’t blurt these things out to people. Cecily and Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends. I’ll bet you anything you like that half an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other sister. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first. Now, my dear boy, if we want to get a good table at Willis’s, we really must go and dress. Do you know it is nearly seven? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Irritably.] Oh! It always is nearly seven. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, I’m hungry. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I never knew you when you weren’t . . . </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > What shall we do after dinner? Go to a theatre? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh no! I loathe listening. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, let us go to the Club? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, no! I hate talking. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, we might trot round to the Empire at ten? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, no! I can’t bear looking at things. It is so silly. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, what shall we do? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Nothing! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. </p> @@ -1548,36 +1528,36 @@ where there is no definite object of any kind. <p>[Enter <b>Lane</b>.] </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Miss Fairfax. </p> <p>[Enter <b>Gwendolen</b>. <b>Lane</b> goes out.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Gwendolen, upon my word! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Algy, kindly turn your back. I have something very particular to say to Mr. Worthing. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Really, Gwendolen, I don’t think I can allow this at all. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life. You are not quite old enough to do that. [<b>Algernon</b> retires to the fireplace.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > My own darling! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on mamma’s face I fear we never shall. Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them. The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out. @@ -1587,11 +1567,11 @@ one else, and marry often, nothing that she can possibly do can alter my eternal devotion to you. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Dear Gwendolen! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my nature. Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination. The simplicity of your character makes @@ -1599,7 +1579,7 @@ you exquisitely incomprehensible to me. Your town address at the Albany I have. What is your address in the country? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire. </p> @@ -1607,49 +1587,49 @@ The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire. writes the address on his shirt-cuff. Then picks up the Railway Guide.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > There is a good postal service, I suppose? It may be necessary to do something desperate. That of course will require serious consideration. I will communicate with you daily. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > My own one! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > How long do you remain in town? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Till Monday. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Good! Algy, you may turn round now. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Thanks, I’ve turned round already. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > You may also ring the bell. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Certainly. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [To <b>Lane</b>, who now enters.] I will see Miss Fairfax out. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Yes, sir. [<b>Jack</b> and <b>Gwendolen</b> go off.] </p> @@ -1658,74 +1638,74 @@ to be surmised that they are bills, as <b>Algernon</b>, after looking at the envelopes, tears them up.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > A glass of sherry, Lane. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Yes, sir. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > To-morrow, Lane, I’m going Bunburying. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Yes, sir. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I shall probably not be back till Monday. You can put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits . . . </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > Yes, sir. [Handing sherry.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > It never is, sir. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Lane, you’re a perfect pessimist. </p> -<p>LANE.<br /> +<p>LANE.<br > I do my best to give satisfaction, sir. </p> <p>[Enter <b>Jack</b>. <b>Lane</b> goes off.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > There’s a sensible, intellectual girl! the only girl I ever cared for in my life. [<b>Algernon</b> is laughing immoderately.] What on earth are you so amused at? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Oh, I’m a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > If you don’t take care, your friend Bunbury will get you into a serious scrape some day. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I love scrapes. They are the only things that are never serious. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, that’s nonsense, Algy. You never talk anything but nonsense. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Nobody ever does. </p> @@ -1740,7 +1720,7 @@ lights a cigarette, reads his shirt-cuff, and smiles.] <div class="chapter"> -<h2><a name="chap02"></a>SECOND ACT</h2> +<h2><a id="chap02"></a>SECOND ACT</h2> <h3>SCENE</h3> @@ -1753,55 +1733,55 @@ Basket chairs, and a table covered with books, are set under a large yew-tree. back watering flowers.] </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Calling.] Cecily, Cecily! Surely such a utilitarian occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Moulton’s duty than yours? Especially at a moment when intellectual pleasures await you. Your German grammar is on the table. Pray open it at page fifteen. We will repeat yesterday’s lesson. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Coming over very slowly.] But I don’t like German. It isn’t at all a becoming language. I know perfectly well that I look quite plain after my German lesson. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Child, you know how anxious your guardian is that you should improve yourself in every way. He laid particular stress on your German, as he was leaving for town yesterday. Indeed, he always lays stress on your German when he is leaving for town. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious! Sometimes he is so serious that I think he cannot be quite well. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Drawing herself up.] Your guardian enjoys the best of health, and his gravity of demeanour is especially to be commended in one so comparatively young as he is. I know no one who has a higher sense of duty and responsibility. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I suppose that is why he often looks a little bored when we three are together. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Cecily! I am surprised at you. Mr. Worthing has many troubles in his life. Idle merriment and triviality would be out of place in his conversation. You must remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man his brother. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man, his brother, to come down here sometimes. We might have a good influence over him, Miss Prism. I am sure you certainly would. You know German, and geology, and things of that kind influence a man very much. [<b>Cecily</b> begins to write in her diary.] </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Shaking her head.] I do not think that even I could produce any effect on a character that according to his own brother’s admission is irretrievably weak and vacillating. Indeed I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him. @@ -1811,122 +1791,122 @@ your diary, Cecily. I really don’t see why you should keep a diary at all. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my life. If I didn’t write them down, I should probably forget all about them. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that we all carry about with us. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never happened, and couldn’t possibly have happened. I believe that Memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume novels that Mudie sends us. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily. I wrote one myself in earlier days. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully clever you are! I hope it did not end happily? I don’t like novels that end happily. They depress me so much. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. And was your novel ever published? </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Alas! no. The manuscript unfortunately was abandoned. [<b>Cecily</b> starts.] I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid. To your work, child, these speculations are profitless. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Smiling.] But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the garden. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Rising and advancing.] Dr. Chasuble! This is indeed a pleasure. </p> <p>[Enter <b>Canon Chasuble</b>.] </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, you are, I trust, well? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. I think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a headache. Indeed I was thinking about that, and not about my German lesson, when the Rector came in. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh, I am afraid I am. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism’s pupil, I would hang upon her lips. [<b>Miss Prism</b> glares.] I spoke metaphorically.—My metaphor was drawn from bees. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has not returned from town yet? </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > We do not expect him till Monday afternoon. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London. He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to be. But I must not disturb Egeria and her pupil any longer. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Egeria? My name is Lætitia, Doctor. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > [Bowing.] A classical allusion merely, drawn from the Pagan authors. I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong? </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you. I find I have a headache after all, and a walk might do it good. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. We might go as far as the schools and back. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your Political Economy in my absence. The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side. @@ -1935,7 +1915,7 @@ sensational. Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side. <p>[Goes down the garden with <b>Dr. Chasuble</b>.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Picks up books and throws them back on table.] Horrid Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid German! </p> @@ -1943,36 +1923,36 @@ Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid German! <p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b> with a card on a salver.] </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He has brought his luggage with him. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Takes the card and reads it.] ‘Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany, W.’ Uncle Jack’s brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town? </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him. </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Yes, Miss. </p> <p>[<b>Merriman</b> goes off.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like every one else. </p> @@ -1980,185 +1960,185 @@ am so afraid he will look just like every one else. <p>[Enter <b>Algernon</b>, very gay and debonnair.] He does! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Raising his hat.] You are my little cousin Cecily, I’m sure. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall for my age. [<b>Algernon</b> is rather taken aback.] But I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from your card, are Uncle Jack’s brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. You mustn’t think that I am wicked. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Looks at her in amazement.] Oh! Of course I have been rather reckless. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I am glad to hear it. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I don’t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > It is much pleasanter being here with you. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I can’t understand how you are here at all. Uncle Jack won’t be back till Monday afternoon. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning. I have a business appointment that I am anxious . . . to miss? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Couldn’t you miss it anywhere but in London? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > No: the appointment is in London. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives. I know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > About my what? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy your outfit. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I certainly wouldn’t let Jack buy my outfit. He has no taste in neckties at all. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I don’t think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Australia! I’d sooner die. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Oh, well! The accounts I have received of Australia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging. This world is good enough for me, cousin Cecily. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Yes, but are you good enough for it? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I’m afraid I’m not that. That is why I want you to reform me. You might make that your mission, if you don’t mind, cousin Cecily. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I’m afraid I’ve no time, this afternoon. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think you should try. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I will. I feel better already. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > You are looking a little worse. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > That is because I am hungry. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals. Won’t you come in? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole first? I never have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > A Marechal Niel? [Picks up scissors.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > No, I’d sooner have a pink rose. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Why? [Cuts a flower.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I don’t think it can be right for you to talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such things to me. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady. [<b>Cecily</b> puts the rose in his buttonhole.] You are the prettiest girl I ever saw. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh, I don’t think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn’t know what to talk to him about. </p> @@ -2167,18 +2147,18 @@ know what to talk to him about. return.] </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. You should get married. A misanthrope I can understand—a womanthrope, never! </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > [With a scholar’s shudder.] Believe me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase. The precept as well as the practice of the Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Sententiously.] That is obviously the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day. And you do not seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent @@ -2186,26 +2166,26 @@ public temptation. Men should be more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels astray. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > But is a man not equally attractive when married? </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > No married man is ever attractive except to his wife. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > And often, I’ve been told, not even to her. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman. Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness can be trusted. Young women are green. [<b>Dr. Chasuble</b> starts.] I spoke horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn from fruits. But where is Cecily? </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Perhaps she followed us to the schools. </p> @@ -2213,98 +2193,98 @@ Perhaps she followed us to the schools. deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves.] </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Mr. Worthing! </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Mr. Worthing? </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > This is indeed a surprise. We did not look for you till Monday afternoon. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Shakes <b>Miss Prism’s</b> hand in a tragic manner.] I have returned sooner than I expected. Dr. Chasuble, I hope you are well? </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not betoken some terrible calamity? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > My brother. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > More shameful debts and extravagance? </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Still leading his life of pleasure? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Shaking his head.] Dead! </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Your brother Ernest dead? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Quite dead. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > What a lesson for him! I trust he will profit by it. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence. You have at least the consolation of knowing that you were always the most generous and forgiving of brothers. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Poor Ernest! He had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blow. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Very sad indeed. Were you with him at the end? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > No. He died abroad; in Paris, in fact. I had a telegram last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Was the cause of death mentioned? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > A severe chill, it seems. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > As a man sows, so shall he reap. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > [Raising his hand.] Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity! None of us are perfect. I myself am peculiarly susceptible to draughts. Will the interment take place here? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > No. He seems to have expressed a desire to be buried in Paris. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > In Paris! [Shakes his head.] I fear that hardly points to any very serious state of mind at the last. You would no doubt wish me to make some slight allusion to this tragic domestic affliction next Sunday. [<b>Jack</b> presses @@ -2317,148 +2297,148 @@ Society for the Prevention of Discontent among the Upper Orders. The Bishop, who was present, was much struck by some of the analogies I drew. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Ah! that reminds me, you mentioned christenings I think, Dr. Chasuble? I suppose you know how to christen all right? [<b>Dr. Chasuble</b> looks astounded.] I mean, of course, you are continually christening, aren’t you? </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector’s most constant duties in this parish. I have often spoken to the poorer classes on the subject. But they don’t seem to know what thrift is. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > But is there any particular infant in whom you are interested, Mr. Worthing? Your brother was, I believe, unmarried, was he not? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh yes. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Bitterly.] People who live entirely for pleasure usually are. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > But it is not for any child, dear Doctor. I am very fond of children. No! the fact is, I would like to be christened myself, this afternoon, if you have nothing better to do. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been christened already? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I don’t remember anything about it. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > But have you any grave doubts on the subject? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I certainly intend to have. Of course I don’t know if the thing would bother you in any way, or if you think I am a little too old now. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Not at all. The sprinkling, and, indeed, the immersion of adults is a perfectly canonical practice. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Immersion! </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling is all that is necessary, or indeed I think advisable. Our weather is so changeable. At what hour would you wish the ceremony performed? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh, I might trot round about five if that would suit you. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Perfectly, perfectly! In fact I have two similar ceremonies to perform at that time. A case of twins that occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your own estate. Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hard-working man. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh! I don’t see much fun in being christened along with other babies. It would be childish. Would half-past five do? </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Admirably! Admirably! [Takes out watch.] And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind. </p> <p>[Enter <b>Cecily</b> from the house.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you back. But what horrid clothes you have got on! Do go and change them. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Cecily! </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > My child! my child! [<b>Cecily</b> goes towards <b>Jack</b>; he kisses her brow in a melancholy manner.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy! You look as if you had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you. Who do you think is in the dining-room? Your brother! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Who? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > What nonsense! I haven’t got a brother. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh, don’t say that. However badly he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your brother. You couldn’t be so heartless as to disown him. I’ll tell him to come out. And you will shake hands with him, won’t you, Uncle Jack? [Runs back into the house.] </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > These are very joyful tidings. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > After we had all been resigned to his loss, his sudden return seems to me peculiarly distressing. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > My brother is in the dining-room? I don’t know what it all means. I think it is perfectly absurd. </p> @@ -2467,97 +2447,97 @@ it is perfectly absurd. to <b>Jack</b>.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Good heavens! [Motions <b>Algernon</b> away.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, and that I intend to lead a better life in the future. [<b>Jack</b> glares at him and does not take his hand.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother’s hand? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think his coming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in every one. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often. And surely there must be much good in one who is kind to an invalid, and leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, and his terrible state of health. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Bunbury! Well, I won’t have him talk to you about Bunbury or about anything else. It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. But I must say that I think that Brother John’s coldness to me is peculiarly painful. I expected a more enthusiastic welcome, especially considering it is the first time I have come here. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Uncle Jack, if you don’t shake hands with Ernest I will never forgive you. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Never forgive me? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Never, never, never! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it. [Shakes with <b>Algernon</b> and glares.] </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > It’s pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation? I think we might leave the two brothers together. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Cecily, you will come with us. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task of reconciliation is over. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear child. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > We must not be premature in our judgments. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I feel very happy. [They all go off except <b>Jack</b> and <b>Algernon</b>.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as soon as possible. I don’t allow any Bunburying here. </p> @@ -2565,112 +2545,112 @@ I don’t allow any Bunburying here. <p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>.] </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > I have put Mr. Ernest’s things in the room next to yours, sir. I suppose that is all right? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > What? </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Mr. Ernest’s luggage, sir. I have unpacked it and put it in the room next to your own. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > His luggage? </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case, two hat-boxes, and a large luncheon-basket. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I am afraid I can’t stay more than a week this time. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Merriman, order the dog-cart at once. Mr. Ernest has been suddenly called back to town. </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Yes, sir. [Goes back into the house.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > What a fearful liar you are, Jack. I have not been called back to town at all. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Yes, you have. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I haven’t heard any one call me. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Your duty as a gentleman calls you back. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I can quite understand that. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, Cecily is a darling. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that. I don’t like it. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, I don’t like your clothes. You look perfectly ridiculous in them. Why on earth don’t you go up and change? It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually staying for a whole week with you in your house as a guest. I call it grotesque. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > You are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a guest or anything else. You have got to leave . . . by the four-five train. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I certainly won’t leave you so long as you are in mourning. It would be most unfriendly. If I were in mourning you would stay with me, I suppose. I should think it very unkind if you didn’t. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, will you go if I change my clothes? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes, if you are not too long. I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, at any rate, that is better than being always over-dressed as you are. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence in my garden utterly absurd. However, you have got to catch the four-five, and I hope you will have a pleasant journey back to town. This Bunburying, as you call it, @@ -2680,7 +2660,7 @@ has not been a great success for you. <p>[Goes into the house.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I think it has been a great success. I’m in love with Cecily, and that is everything. </p> @@ -2690,74 +2670,74 @@ begins to water the flowers.] But I must see her before I go, and make arrangements for another Bunbury. Ah, there she is. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh, I merely came back to water the roses. I thought you were with Uncle Jack. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > He’s gone to order the dog-cart for me. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > He’s going to send me away. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Then have we got to part? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I am afraid so. It’s a very painful parting. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a very brief space of time. The absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity. But even a momentary separation from anyone to whom one has just been introduced is almost unbearable. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Thank you. </p> <p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>.] </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > The dog-cart is at the door, sir. [<b>Algernon</b> looks appealingly at <b>Cecily</b>.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > It can wait, Merriman for . . . five minutes. </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Yes, Miss. [Exit <b>Merriman</b>.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I state quite frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every way the visible personification of absolute perfection. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest. If you will allow me, I will copy your remarks into my diary. [Goes over to table and begins writing in diary.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Do you really keep a diary? I’d give anything to look at it. May I? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh no. [Puts her hand over it.] You see, it is simply a very young girl’s record of her own thoughts and impressions, and consequently meant for publication. When it appears in volume form I hope you will order a copy. But @@ -2766,77 +2746,77 @@ reached ‘absolute perfection’. You can go on. I am quite ready for more. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Somewhat taken aback.] Ahem! Ahem! </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh, don’t cough, Ernest. When one is dictating one should speak fluently and not cough. Besides, I don’t know how to spell a cough. [Writes as <b>Algernon</b> speaks.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Speaking very rapidly.] Cecily, ever since I first looked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I don’t think that you should tell me that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. Hopelessly doesn’t seem to make much sense, does it? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Cecily! </p> <p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>.] </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > The dog-cart is waiting, sir. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Tell it to come round next week, at the same hour. </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > [Looks at <b>Cecily</b>, who makes no sign.] Yes, sir. </p> <p>[<b>Merriman</b> retires.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knew you were staying on till next week, at the same hour. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Oh, I don’t care about Jack. I don’t care for anybody in the whole world but you. I love you, Cecily. You will marry me, won’t you? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > You silly boy! Of course. Why, we have been engaged for the last three months. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > For the last three months? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > But how did we become engaged? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us that he had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you of course have formed the chief topic of conversation between myself and Miss Prism. And of course a man who is much @@ -2845,11 +2825,11 @@ him, after all. I daresay it was foolish of me, but I fell in love with you, Ernest. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Darling! And when was the engagement actually settled? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > On the 14th of February last. Worn out by your entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter one way or the other, and after a long struggle with myself I accepted you under this dear old tree here. The @@ -2857,90 +2837,90 @@ next day I bought this little ring in your name, and this is the little bangle with the true lover’s knot I promised you always to wear. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Did I give you this? It’s very pretty, isn’t it? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Yes, you’ve wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It’s the excuse I’ve always given for your leading such a bad life. And this is the box in which I keep all your dear letters. [Kneels at table, opens box, and produces letters tied up with blue ribbon.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > My letters! But, my own sweet Cecily, I have never written you any letters. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest. I remember only too well that I was forced to write your letters for you. I wrote always three times a week, and sometimes oftener. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Oh, do let me read them, Cecily? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh, I couldn’t possibly. They would make you far too conceited. [Replaces box.] The three you wrote me after I had broken off the engagement are so beautiful, and so badly spelled, that even now I can hardly read them without crying a little. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > But was our engagement ever broken off? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Of course it was. On the 22nd of last March. You can see the entry if you like. [Shows diary.] ‘To-day I broke off my engagement with Ernest. I feel it is better to do so. The weather still continues charming.’ </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > But why on earth did you break it off? What had I done? I had done nothing at all. Cecily, I am very much hurt indeed to hear you broke it off. Particularly when the weather was so charming. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > It would hardly have been a really serious engagement if it hadn’t been broken off at least once. But I forgave you before the week was out. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Crossing to her, and kneeling.] What a perfect angel you are, Cecily. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > You dear romantic boy. [He kisses her, she puts her fingers through his hair.] I hope your hair curls naturally, does it? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes, darling, with a little help from others. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I am so glad. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > You’ll never break off our engagement again, Cecily? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I don’t think I could break it off now that I have actually met you. Besides, of course, there is the question of your name. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes, of course. [Nervously.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had always been a girlish dream of mine to love some one whose name was Ernest. [<b>Algernon</b> rises, <b>Cecily</b> also.] There is something in that name that seems to inspire @@ -2948,24 +2928,24 @@ absolute confidence. I pity any poor married woman whose husband is not called Ernest. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > But, my dear child, do you mean to say you could not love me if I had some other name? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > But what name? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Oh, any name you like—Algernon—for instance . . . </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > But I don’t like the name of Algernon. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really can’t see why you should object to the name of Algernon. It is not at all a bad name. In fact, it is rather an aristocratic name. Half of the chaps who get into the @@ -2973,49 +2953,49 @@ Bankruptcy Court are called Algernon. But seriously, Cecily . . . [Moving to her] . . . if my name was Algy, couldn’t you love me? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Rising.] I might respect you, Ernest, I might admire your character, but I fear that I should not be able to give you my undivided attention. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Ahem! Cecily! [Picking up hat.] Your Rector here is, I suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice of all the rites and ceremonials of the Church? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned man. He has never written a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I must see him at once on a most important christening—I mean on most important business. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I shan’t be away more than half an hour. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Considering that we have been engaged since February the 14th, and that I only met you to-day for the first time, I think it is rather hard that you should leave me for so long a period as half an hour. Couldn’t you make it twenty minutes? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I’ll be back in no time. </p> <p>[Kisses her and rushes down the garden.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > What an impetuous boy he is! I like his hair so much. I must enter his proposal in my diary. </p> @@ -3023,29 +3003,29 @@ in my diary. <p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>.] </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing. On very important business, Miss Fairfax states. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Isn’t Mr. Worthing in his library? </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of the Rectory some time ago. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing is sure to be back soon. And you can bring tea. </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Yes, Miss. [Goes out.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Miss Fairfax! I suppose one of the many good elderly women who are associated with Uncle Jack in some of his philanthropic work in London. I don’t quite like women who are interested in philanthropic work. I think it is so @@ -3055,7 +3035,7 @@ forward of them. <p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>.] </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Miss Fairfax. </p> @@ -3065,56 +3045,56 @@ Miss Fairfax. <p>[Exit <b>Merriman</b>.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Advancing to meet her.] Pray let me introduce myself to you. My name is Cecily Cardew. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Cecily Cardew? [Moving to her and shaking hands.] What a very sweet name! Something tells me that we are going to be great friends. I like you already more than I can say. My first impressions of people are never wrong. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > How nice of you to like me so much after we have known each other such a comparatively short time. Pray sit down. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Still standing up.] I may call you Cecily, may I not? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > With pleasure! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > And you will always call me Gwendolen, won’t you? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > If you wish. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Then that is all quite settled, is it not? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I hope so. [A pause. They both sit down together.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Perhaps this might be a favourable opportunity for my mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. You have never heard of papa, I suppose? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I don’t think so. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad to say, is entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it should be. The home seems to me to be the proper sphere for the man. And certainly once a man begins to neglect his domestic duties he @@ -3124,46 +3104,46 @@ remarkably strict, has brought me up to be extremely short-sighted; it is part of her system; so do you mind my looking at you through my glasses? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh! not at all, Gwendolen. I am very fond of being looked at. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [After examining <b>Cecily</b> carefully through a lorgnette.] You are here on a short visit, I suppose. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh no! I live here. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Severely.] Really? Your mother, no doubt, or some female relative of advanced years, resides here also? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh no! I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Indeed? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism, has the arduous task of looking after me. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Your guardian? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Yes, I am Mr. Worthing’s ward. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight. [Rising and going to her.] I am @@ -3174,12 +3154,12 @@ to be—and not quite so very alluring in appearance. In fact, if I may speak candidly— </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Pray do! I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that you were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for your age. Ernest has a strong upright nature. He is the very soul of truth and honour. Disloyalty would be as @@ -3190,28 +3170,28 @@ painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Yes. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is my guardian. It is his brother—his elder brother. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Sitting down again.] Ernest never mentioned to me that he had a brother. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I am sorry to say they have not been on good terms for a long time. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Ah! that accounts for it. And now that I think of it I have never heard any man mention his brother. The subject seems distasteful to most men. Cecily, you have lifted a load from my mind. I was growing almost anxious. It would have @@ -3220,33 +3200,33 @@ not? Of course you are quite, quite sure that it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is your guardian? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Quite sure. [A pause.] In fact, I am going to be his. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Inquiringly.] I beg your pardon? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Rather shy and confidingly.] Dearest Gwendolen, there is no reason why I should make a secret of it to you. Our little county newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week. Mr. Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Quite politely, rising.] My darling Cecily, I think there must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to me. The announcement will appear in the <i>Morning Post</i> on Saturday at the latest. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Very politely, rising.] I am afraid you must be under some misconception. Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago. [Shows diary.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Examines diary through her lorgnettte carefully.] It is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday afternoon at 5.30. If you would care to verify the incident, pray do so. [Produces diary of her own.] I @@ -3255,35 +3235,35 @@ read in the train. I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any disappointment to you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > It would distress me more than I can tell you, dear Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly has changed his mind. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Meditatively.] If the poor fellow has been entrapped into any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty to rescue him at once, and with a firm hand. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Thoughtfully and sadly.] Whatever unfortunate entanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach him with it after we are married. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement? You are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one’s mind. It becomes a pleasure. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into an engagement? How dare you? This is no time for wearing the shallow mask of manners. When I see a spade I call it a spade. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Satirically.] I am glad to say that I have never seen a spade. It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different. </p> @@ -3293,87 +3273,87 @@ cloth, and plate stand. <b>Cecily</b> is about to retort. The presence of the servants exercises a restraining influence, under which both girls chafe.] </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Sternly, in a calm voice.] Yes, as usual. [<b>Merriman</b> begins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause. <b>Cecily</b> and <b>Gwendolen</b> glare at each other.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, Miss Cardew? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh! yes! a great many. From the top of one of the hills quite close one can see five counties. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Five counties! I don’t think I should like that; I hate crowds. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Sweetly.] I suppose that is why you live in town? [<b>Gwendolen</b> bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously with her parasol.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Looking round.] Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss Cardew. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I had no idea there were any flowers in the country. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are in London. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does. The country always bores me to death. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural depression, is it not? I believe the aristocracy are suffering very much from it just at present. It is almost an epidemic amongst them, I have been told. May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [With elaborate politeness.] Thank you. [Aside.] Detestable girl! But I require tea! </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Sweetly.] Sugar? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Superciliously.] No, thank you. Sugar is not fashionable any more. [<b>Cecily</b> looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Severely.] Cake or bread and butter? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [In a bored manner.] Bread and butter, please. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the tray.] Hand that to Miss Fairfax. </p> @@ -3383,25 +3363,25 @@ the tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake. Rises in indignation.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Rising.] To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I would not go. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters. My first impressions of people are invariably right. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of a similar character to make in the neighbourhood. @@ -3410,143 +3390,143 @@ neighbourhood. <p>[Enter <b>Jack</b>.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Catching sight of him.] Ernest! My own Ernest! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Gwendolen! Darling! [Offers to kiss her.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Draws back.] A moment! May I ask if you are engaged to be married to this young lady? [Points to <b>Cecily</b>.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Laughing.] To dear little Cecily! Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Thank you. You may! [Offers her cheek.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Very sweetly.] I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is my guardian, Mr. John Worthing. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I beg your pardon? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > This is Uncle Jack. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Receding.] Jack! Oh! </p> <p>[Enter <b>Algernon</b>.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Here is Ernest. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Goes straight over to <b>Cecily</b> without noticing any one else.] My own love! [Offers to kiss her.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Drawing back.] A moment, Ernest! May I ask you—are you engaged to be married to this young lady? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Looking round.] To what young lady? Good heavens! Gwendolen! </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Laughing.] Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Thank you. [Presenting her cheek to be kissed.] You may. [<b>Algernon</b> kisses her.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Breaking away from <b>Algernon</b>.] Algernon Moncrieff! Oh! [The two girls move towards each other and put their arms round each other’s waists as if for protection.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Are you called Algernon? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I cannot deny it. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Oh! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Is your name really John? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Standing rather proudly.] I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It has been John for years. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [To <b>Gwendolen</b>.] A gross deception has been practised on both of us. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > My poor wounded Cecily! </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > My sweet wronged Gwendolen! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Slowly and seriously.] You will call me sister, will you not? [They embrace. <b>Jack</b> and <b>Algernon</b> groan and walk up and down.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Rather brightly.] There is just one question I would like to be allowed to ask my guardian. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I would like to be permitted to put to you. Where is your brother Ernest? We are both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of some importance to us to know where your brother Ernest is at present. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Slowly and hesitatingly.] Gwendolen—Cecily—it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite @@ -3556,141 +3536,141 @@ brother in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever having one in the future. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Surprised.] No brother at all? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Cheerily.] None! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [Severely.] Had you never a brother of any kind? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Pleasantly.] Never. Not even of any kind. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is engaged to be married to any one. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find herself in. Is it? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to come after us there. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > No, men are so cowardly, aren’t they? </p> <p>[They retire into the house with scornful looks.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, you’ve no right whatsoever to Bunbury here. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven’t got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial nature. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. You won’t be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy. And a very good thing too. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Your brother is a little off colour, isn’t he, dear Jack? You won’t be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing either. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I don’t think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Well, that is no business of yours. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. [Begins to eat muffins.] It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stock-brokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating @@ -3698,46 +3678,46 @@ muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. [Rising.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Rising.] Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins from <b>Algernon</b>.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Offering tea-cake.] I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don’t like tea-cake. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > That may be. But the muffins are the same. [He seizes the muffin-dish from <b>Jack</b>.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Algy, I wish to goodness you would go. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > You can’t possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It’s absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We @@ -3748,15 +3728,15 @@ never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes, but I have not been christened for years. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell. You can hardly have @@ -3764,40 +3744,40 @@ forgotten that some one very closely connected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > It usen’t to be, I know—but I daresay it is now. Science is always making wonderful improvements in things. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Picking up the muffin-dish.] Oh, that is nonsense; you are always talking nonsense. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish you wouldn’t. There are only two left. [Takes them.] I told you I was particularly fond of muffins. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > But I hate tea-cake. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don’t want you here. Why don’t you go! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I haven’t quite finished my tea yet! and there is still one muffin left. [<b>Jack</b> groans, and sinks into a chair. <b>Algernon</b> still continues eating.] @@ -3810,7 +3790,7 @@ eating.] <div class="chapter"> -<h2><a name="chap03"></a>THIRD ACT</h2> +<h2><a id="chap03"></a>THIRD ACT</h2> <h3>SCENE</h3> @@ -3821,130 +3801,130 @@ eating.] garden.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [After a pause.] They don’t seem to notice us at all. Couldn’t you cough? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > But I haven’t got a cough. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > They’re looking at us. What effrontery! </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > They’re approaching. That’s very forward of them. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Let us preserve a dignified silence. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Certainly. It’s the only thing to do now. [Enter <b>Jack</b> followed by <b>Algernon</b>. They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > A most distasteful one. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > But we will not be the first to speak. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Certainly not. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian’s brother? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [To <b>Gwendolen</b>.] That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Yes, dear, if you can believe him. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I don’t. But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. [Moving to <b>Cecily</b>.] Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing’s. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Then you think we should forgive them? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Yes. I mean no. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant one. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Could we not both speak at the same time? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > An excellent idea! I nearly always speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the time from me? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Certainly. [<b>Gwendolen</b> beats time with uplifted finger.] </p> @@ -3956,41 +3936,41 @@ insuperable barrier. That is all! we are going to be christened this afternoon. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [To <b>Jack</b>.] For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I am. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [To <b>Algernon</b>.] To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I am! </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > We are. [Clasps hands with <b>Algernon</b>.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [To <b>Jack</b>.] Darling! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [To <b>Cecily</b>.] Darling! [They fall into each other’s arms.] </p> @@ -3998,11 +3978,11 @@ nothing. situation.] </p> -<p>MERRIMAN.<br /> +<p>MERRIMAN.<br > Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Good heavens! </p> @@ -4010,15 +3990,15 @@ Good heavens! <b>Merriman</b>.] </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Gwendolen! What does this mean? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old. [Turns to <b>Jack</b>.] Apprised, sir, of my daughter’s sudden flight by her trusty @@ -4032,56 +4012,56 @@ that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment. On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen, Lady Bracknell! </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > You are nothing of the kind, sir. And now, as regards Algernon! . . . Algernon! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes, Aunt Augusta. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Stammering.] Oh! No! Bunbury doesn’t live here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? His death must have been extremely sudden. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > [Airily.] Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > What did he die of? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Exploded! Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage? I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If so, he is well punished for his morbidity. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out! The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean—so Bunbury died. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice. And now that we have finally got @@ -4090,24 +4070,24 @@ whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward. [<b>Lady Bracknell</b> bows coldly to <b>Cecily</b>.] </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > I beg your pardon? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down.] I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me @@ -4119,44 +4099,44 @@ no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was a Terminus. [<b>Jack</b> looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [In a clear, cold voice.] Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. But what proof have I of their authenticity? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period. They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Grimly.] I have known strange errors in that publication. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Miss Cardew’s family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Markby, Markby, and Markby? A firm of the very highest position in their profession. Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markby’s is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. So far I am satisfied. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Very irritably.] How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell! I have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew’s birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English variety. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I am not myself in favour of premature experiences. [Rises, looks at her watch.] Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure. We have @@ -4164,12 +4144,12 @@ not a moment to lose. As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds. That is all. Goodbye, Lady Bracknell. So pleased to have seen you. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Sitting down again.] A moment, Mr. Worthing. A hundred and thirty thousand pounds! And in the Funds! Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her. Few girls of the present day have any really solid @@ -4182,11 +4162,11 @@ very brief space of time. I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own husband did not know her. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > And after six months nobody knew her. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Glares at <b>Jack</b> for a few moments. Then bends, with a practised smile, to <b>Cecily</b>.] Kindly turn round, sweet child. [<b>Cecily</b> turns completely round.] No, the side view is what I want. [<b>Cecily</b> presents @@ -4196,20 +4176,20 @@ its want of profile. The chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn. They are worn very high, just at present. Algernon! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Yes, Aunt Augusta! </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew’s profile. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world. And I don’t care twopence about social possibilities. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only people who can’t get into it do that. [To <b>Cecily</b>.] Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon. But I do not approve of @@ -4218,69 +4198,69 @@ kind. But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way. Well, I suppose I must give my consent. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Thank you, Aunt Augusta. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Cecily, you may kiss me! </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > [Kisses her.] Thank you, Lady Bracknell. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Thank you, Aunt Augusta. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Thank you, Aunt Augusta. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Thank you, Aunt Augusta. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the question. I am Miss Cardew’s guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age. That consent I absolutely decline to give. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Upon what grounds may I ask? Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, but he looks everything. What more can one desire? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character. I suspect him of being untruthful. [<b>Algernon</b> and <b>Cecily</b> look at him in indignant amazement.] </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impossible! He is an Oxonian. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother. Under @@ -4295,27 +4275,27 @@ don’t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Ahem! Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I have decided entirely to overlook my nephew’s conduct to you. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. My own decision, however, is unalterable. I decline to give my consent. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [To <b>Cecily</b>.] Come here, sweet child. [<b>Cecily</b> goes over.] How old are you, dear? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty when I go to evening parties. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration. Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating . . . [In a meditative manner.] Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties. @@ -4324,13 +4304,13 @@ restraints of tutelage. So I don’t think your guardian’s consent is, after all, a matter of any importance. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her grandfather’s will Miss Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > That does not seem to me to be a grave objection. Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton @@ -4341,52 +4321,52 @@ you mention than she is at present. There will be a large accumulation of property. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Of course I could, Cecily. You know I could. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn’t wait all that time. I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody. It always makes me rather cross. I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the question. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Then what is to be done, Cecily? </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > I don’t know, Mr. Moncrieff. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five—a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature—I would beg of you to reconsider your decision. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands. The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Rising and drawing herself up.] You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose for himself. [Pulls out her watch.] Come, dear, [<b>Gwendolen</b> rises] we have already missed five, if not six, trains. To miss any more might expose @@ -4396,37 +4376,37 @@ us to comment on the platform. <p>[Enter <b>Dr. Chasuble</b>.] </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Everything is quite ready for the christenings. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > The christenings, sir! Is not that somewhat premature? </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > [Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to <b>Jack</b> and <b>Algernon</b>.] Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > At their age? The idea is grotesque and irreligious! Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized. I will not hear of such excesses. Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your time and money. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Am I to understand then that there are to be no christenings at all this afternoon? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I don’t think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing. They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons. However, as your present mood seems to be one @@ -4435,58 +4415,58 @@ been informed by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Starting.] Miss Prism! Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism? </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way to join her. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Pray allow me to detain you for a moment. This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself. Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with education? </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > [Somewhat indignantly.] She is the most cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of respectability. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > It is obviously the same person. May I ask what position she holds in your household? </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > [Severely.] I am a celibate, madam. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Interposing.] Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew’s esteemed governess and valued companion. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once. Let her be sent for. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > [Looking off.] She approaches; she is nigh. </p> <p>[Enter <b>Miss Prism</b> hurriedly.] </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon. I have been waiting for you there for an hour and three-quarters. [Catches sight of <b>Lady Bracknell</b>, who has fixed her with a stony glare. <b>Miss Prism</b> grows pale and quails. She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape.] </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [In a severe, judicial voice.] Prism! [<b>Miss Prism</b> bows her head in shame.] Come here, Prism! [<b>Miss Prism</b> approaches in a humble manner.] Prism! Where is that baby? [General consternation. The <b>Canon</b> starts back @@ -4503,7 +4483,7 @@ indignation.] But the baby was not there! [Every one looks at <b>Miss Prism</b>.] Prism! Where is that baby? [A pause.] </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know. I only wish I did. The plain facts of the case are these. On the morning of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby out @@ -4514,45 +4494,45 @@ which I never can forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript in the basinette, and placed the baby in the hand-bag. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Who has been listening attentively.] But where did you deposit the hand-bag? </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me. I insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bag that contained that infant. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > I left it in the cloak-room of one of the larger railway stations in London. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > What railway station? </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Quite crushed.] Victoria. The Brighton line. [Sinks into a chair.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > I must retire to my room for a moment. Gwendolen, wait here for me. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life. [Exit <b>Jack</b> in great excitement.] </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell? </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble. I need hardly tell you that in families of high position strange coincidences are not supposed to occur. They are hardly considered the thing. @@ -4562,39 +4542,39 @@ hardly considered the thing. looks up.] </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > Your guardian has a very emotional nature. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > This noise is extremely unpleasant. It sounds as if he was having an argument. I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing. </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > [Looking up.] It has stopped now. [The noise is redoubled.] </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > I wish he would arrive at some conclusion. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. [Enter <b>Jack</b> with a hand-bag of black leather in his hand.] </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Rushing over to <b>Miss Prism</b>.] Is this the hand-bag, Miss Prism? Examine it carefully before you speak. The happiness of more than one life depends on your answer. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Calmly.] It seems to be mine. Yes, here is the injury it received through the upsetting of a Gower Street omnibus in younger and happier days. Here is the stain on the lining caused by the explosion of a temperance beverage, an @@ -4604,47 +4584,47 @@ is undoubtedly mine. I am delighted to have it so unexpectedly restored to me. It has been a great inconvenience being without it all these years. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [In a pathetic voice.] Miss Prism, more is restored to you than this hand-bag. I was the baby you placed in it. </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Amazed.] You? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Embracing her.] Yes . . . mother! </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Recoiling in indignant astonishment.] Mr. Worthing! I am unmarried! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Unmarried! I do not deny that is a serious blow. But after all, who has the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered? Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly? Why should there be one law for men, and another for women? Mother, I forgive you. [Tries to embrace her again.] </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Still more indignant.] Mr. Worthing, there is some error. [Pointing to <b>Lady Bracknell</b>.] There is the lady who can tell you who you really are. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [After a pause.] Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am? </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > I am afraid that the news I have to give you will not altogether please you. You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon’s elder brother. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Algy’s elder brother! Then I have a brother after all. I knew I had a brother! I always said I had a brother! Cecily,—how could you have ever doubted that I had a brother? [Seizes hold of <b>Algernon</b>.] Dr. Chasuble, @@ -4654,7 +4634,7 @@ more respect in the future. You have never behaved to me like a brother in all your life. </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit. I did my best, however, though I was out of practice. </p> @@ -4662,74 +4642,74 @@ out of practice. <p>[Shakes hands.] </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > [To <b>Jack</b>.] My own! But what own are you? What is your Christian name, now that you have become some one else? </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Good heavens! . . . I had quite forgotten that point. Your decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable, I suppose? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I never change, except in my affections. </p> -<p>CECILY.<br /> +<p>CECILY.<br > What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Then the question had better be cleared up at once. Aunt Augusta, a moment. At the time when Miss Prism left me in the hand-bag, had I been christened already? </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Every luxury that money could buy, including christening, had been lavished on you by your fond and doting parents. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Then I was christened! That is settled. Now, what name was I given? Let me know the worst. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Being the eldest son you were naturally christened after your father. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > [Irritably.] Yes, but what was my father’s Christian name? </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > [Meditatively.] I cannot at the present moment recall what the General’s Christian name was. But I have no doubt he had one. He was eccentric, I admit. But only in later years. And that was the result of the Indian climate, and marriage, and indigestion, and other things of that kind. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Algy! Can’t you recollect what our father’s Christian name was? </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms. He died before I was a year old. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > His name would appear in the Army Lists of the period, I suppose, Aunt Augusta? </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life. But I have no doubt his name would appear in any military directory. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > The Army Lists of the last forty years are here. These delightful records should have been my constant study. [Rushes to bookcase and tears the books out.] M. Generals . . . Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names they @@ -4740,49 +4720,49 @@ my name was Ernest, didn’t I? Well, it is Ernest after all. I mean it naturally is Ernest. </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > Yes, I remember now that the General was called Ernest, I knew I had some particular reason for disliking the name. </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > Ernest! My own Ernest! I felt from the first that you could have no other name! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. Can you forgive me? </p> -<p>GWENDOLEN.<br /> +<p>GWENDOLEN.<br > I can. For I feel that you are sure to change. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > My own one! </p> -<p>CHASUBLE.<br /> +<p>CHASUBLE.<br > [To <b>Miss Prism</b>.] Lætitia! [Embraces her] </p> -<p>MISS PRISM.<br /> +<p>MISS PRISM.<br > [Enthusiastically.] Frederick! At last! </p> -<p>ALGERNON.<br /> +<p>ALGERNON.<br > Cecily! [Embraces her.] At last! </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > Gwendolen! [Embraces her.] At last! </p> -<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br /> +<p>LADY BRACKNELL.<br > My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of triviality. </p> -<p>JACK.<br /> +<p>JACK.<br > On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I’ve now realised for the first time in my life the vital Importance of Being Earnest. </p> @@ -4793,446 +4773,6 @@ TABLEAU </div><!--end chapter--> -<div style='display:block;margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST ***</div> -<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0;'>This file should be named 844-h.htm or 844-h.zip</div> -<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0;'>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in https://www.gutenberg.org/8/4/844/</div> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize -this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +this book outside of the United States should confirm copyright status under the laws that apply to them. @@ -1,2 +1,2 @@ Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for -eBook #844 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/844) +book #844 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/844) diff --git a/old/844.txt b/old/844.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 554b433..0000000 --- a/old/844.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3496 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Importance of Being Earnest, by Oscar -Wilde - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - - - - -Title: The Importance of Being Earnest - A Trivial Comedy for Serious People - - -Author: Oscar Wilde - - - -Release Date: August 29, 2006 [eBook #844] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST*** - - - - - - -Transcribed from the 1915 Methuen & Co. Ltd. edition by David Price, -email ccx074@pglaf.org - - - - - -The Importance of Being Earnest -A Trivial Comedy for Serious People - - -THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY - - -John Worthing, J.P. -Algernon Moncrieff -Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D. -Merriman, Butler -Lane, Manservant -Lady Bracknell -Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax -Cecily Cardew -Miss Prism, Governess - - - - -THE SCENES OF THE PLAY - - -ACT I. Algernon Moncrieff's Flat in Half-Moon Street, W. - -ACT II. The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton. - -ACT III. Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton. - -TIME: The Present. - - - - -LONDON: ST. JAMES'S THEATRE - - -Lessee and Manager: Mr. George Alexander - -February 14th, 1895 - -* * * * * - -John Worthing, J.P.: Mr. George Alexander. -Algernon Moncrieff: Mr. Allen Aynesworth. -Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.: Mr. H. H. Vincent. -Merriman: Mr. Frank Dyall. -Lane: Mr. F. Kinsey Peile. -Lady Bracknell: Miss Rose Leclercq. -Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax: Miss Irene Vanbrugh. -Cecily Cardew: Miss Evelyn Millard. -Miss Prism: Mrs. George Canninge. - - - - -FIRST ACT - - -SCENE - - -Morning-room in Algernon's flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is -luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard in -the adjoining room. - -[Lane is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has -ceased, Algernon enters.] - -Algernon. Did you hear what I was playing, Lane? - -Lane. I didn't think it polite to listen, sir. - -Algernon. I'm sorry for that, for your sake. I don't play -accurately--any one can play accurately--but I play with wonderful -expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I -keep science for Life. - -Lane. Yes, sir. - -Algernon. And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the -cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell? - -Lane. Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.] - -Algernon. [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.] Oh! . . . -by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when -Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of -champagne are entered as having been consumed. - -Lane. Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint. - -Algernon. Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants -invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information. - -Lane. I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have -often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a -first-rate brand. - -Algernon. Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising as that? - -Lane. I believe it _is_ a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very -little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been -married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between -myself and a young person. - -Algernon. [Languidly_._] I don't know that I am much interested in your -family life, Lane. - -Lane. No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of -it myself. - -Algernon. Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you. - -Lane. Thank you, sir. [Lane goes out.] - -Algernon. Lane's views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the -lower orders don't set us a good example, what on earth is the use of -them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral -responsibility. - -[Enter Lane.] - -Lane. Mr. Ernest Worthing. - -[Enter Jack.] - -[Lane goes out_._] - -Algernon. How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town? - -Jack. Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? -Eating as usual, I see, Algy! - -Algernon. [Stiffly_._] I believe it is customary in good society to -take some slight refreshment at five o'clock. Where have you been since -last Thursday? - -Jack. [Sitting down on the sofa.] In the country. - -Algernon. What on earth do you do there? - -Jack. [Pulling off his gloves_._] When one is in town one amuses -oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is -excessively boring. - -Algernon. And who are the people you amuse? - -Jack. [Airily_._] Oh, neighbours, neighbours. - -Algernon. Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire? - -Jack. Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them. - -Algernon. How immensely you must amuse them! [Goes over and takes -sandwich.] By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not? - -Jack. Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these cups? Why -cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young? Who -is coming to tea? - -Algernon. Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen. - -Jack. How perfectly delightful! - -Algernon. Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won't -quite approve of your being here. - -Jack. May I ask why? - -Algernon. My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly -disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you. - -Jack. I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town expressly to -propose to her. - -Algernon. I thought you had come up for pleasure? . . . I call that -business. - -Jack. How utterly unromantic you are! - -Algernon. I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very -romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite -proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then -the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. -If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact. - -Jack. I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was -specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously -constituted. - -Algernon. Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are -made in Heaven--[Jack puts out his hand to take a sandwich. Algernon at -once interferes.] Please don't touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are -ordered specially for Aunt Augusta. [Takes one and eats it.] - -Jack. Well, you have been eating them all the time. - -Algernon. That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt. [Takes -plate from below.] Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is -for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter. - -Jack. [Advancing to table and helping himself.] And very good bread and -butter it is too. - -Algernon. Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to -eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are -not married to her already, and I don't think you ever will be. - -Jack. Why on earth do you say that? - -Algernon. Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt -with. Girls don't think it right. - -Jack. Oh, that is nonsense! - -Algernon. It isn't. It is a great truth. It accounts for the -extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place. In -the second place, I don't give my consent. - -Jack. Your consent! - -Algernon. My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before I -allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of -Cecily. [Rings bell.] - -Jack. Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy, by -Cecily! I don't know any one of the name of Cecily. - -[Enter Lane.] - -Algernon. Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking- -room the last time he dined here. - -Lane. Yes, sir. [Lane goes out.] - -Jack. Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I -wish to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing frantic -letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large -reward. - -Algernon. Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than -usually hard up. - -Jack. There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is -found. - -[Enter Lane with the cigarette case on a salver. Algernon takes it at -once. Lane goes out.] - -Algernon. I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. [Opens -case and examines it.] However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look -at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn't yours after all. - -Jack. Of course it's mine. [Moving to him.] You have seen me with it a -hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written -inside. It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette -case. - -Algernon. Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one -should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture -depends on what one shouldn't read. - -Jack. I am quite aware of the fact, and I don't propose to discuss -modern culture. It isn't the sort of thing one should talk of in -private. I simply want my cigarette case back. - -Algernon. Yes; but this isn't your cigarette case. This cigarette case -is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn't -know any one of that name. - -Jack. Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt. - -Algernon. Your aunt! - -Jack. Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells. -Just give it back to me, Algy. - -Algernon. [Retreating to back of sofa.] But why does she call herself -little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells? -[Reading.] 'From little Cecily with her fondest love.' - -Jack. [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.] My dear fellow, what on -earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. -That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for -herself. You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your -aunt! That is absurd! For Heaven's sake give me back my cigarette case. -[Follows Algernon round the room.] - -Algernon. Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle? 'From little -Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.' There is no -objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no -matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I -can't quite make out. Besides, your name isn't Jack at all; it is -Ernest. - -Jack. It isn't Ernest; it's Jack. - -Algernon. You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you -to every one as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as -if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest-looking person I ever -saw in my life. It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn't -Ernest. It's on your cards. Here is one of them. [Taking it from -case.] 'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.' I'll keep this as a -proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or -to Gwendolen, or to any one else. [Puts the card in his pocket.] - -Jack. Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the -cigarette case was given to me in the country. - -Algernon. Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small -Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle. -Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at once. - -Jack. My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. It is -very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces -a false impression. - -Algernon. Well, that is exactly what dentists always do. Now, go on! -Tell me the whole thing. I may mention that I have always suspected you -of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; and I am quite sure of it -now. - -Jack. Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist? - -Algernon. I'll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression -as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are Ernest in town -and Jack in the country. - -Jack. Well, produce my cigarette case first. - -Algernon. Here it is. [Hands cigarette case.] Now produce your -explanation, and pray make it improbable. [Sits on sofa.] - -Jack. My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation -at all. In fact it's perfectly ordinary. Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who -adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to his -grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew. Cecily, who addresses me as her -uncle from motives of respect that you could not possibly appreciate, -lives at my place in the country under the charge of her admirable -governess, Miss Prism. - -Algernon. Where is that place in the country, by the way? - -Jack. That is nothing to you, dear boy. You are not going to be invited -. . . I may tell you candidly that the place is not in Shropshire. - -Algernon. I suspected that, my dear fellow! I have Bunburyed all over -Shropshire on two separate occasions. Now, go on. Why are you Ernest in -town and Jack in the country? - -Jack. My dear Algy, I don't know whether you will be able to understand -my real motives. You are hardly serious enough. When one is placed in -the position of guardian, one has to adopt a very high moral tone on all -subjects. It's one's duty to do so. And as a high moral tone can hardly -be said to conduce very much to either one's health or one's happiness, -in order to get up to town I have always pretended to have a younger -brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the -most dreadful scrapes. That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and -simple. - -Algernon. The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would -be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete -impossibility! - -Jack. That wouldn't be at all a bad thing. - -Algernon. Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don't -try it. You should leave that to people who haven't been at a -University. They do it so well in the daily papers. What you really are -is a Bunburyist. I was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist. You -are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know. - -Jack. What on earth do you mean? - -Algernon. You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, -in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like. I -have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order -that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose. Bunbury -is perfectly invaluable. If it wasn't for Bunbury's extraordinary bad -health, for instance, I wouldn't be able to dine with you at Willis's to- -night, for I have been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a -week. - -Jack. I haven't asked you to dine with me anywhere to-night. - -Algernon. I know. You are absurdly careless about sending out -invitations. It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so much -as not receiving invitations. - -Jack. You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta. - -Algernon. I haven't the smallest intention of doing anything of the -kind. To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite -enough to dine with one's own relations. In the second place, whenever I -do dine there I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent -down with either no woman at all, or two. In the third place, I know -perfectly well whom she will place me next to, to-night. She will place -me next Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the -dinner-table. That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent -. . . and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase. The amount -of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly -scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one's clean linen in -public. Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I -naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying. I want to tell you the -rules. - -Jack. I'm not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going -to kill my brother, indeed I think I'll kill him in any case. Cecily is -a little too much interested in him. It is rather a bore. So I am going -to get rid of Ernest. And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr. -. . . with your invalid friend who has the absurd name. - -Algernon. Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever -get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very -glad to know Bunbury. A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a -very tedious time of it. - -Jack. That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and -she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I -certainly won't want to know Bunbury. - -Algernon. Then your wife will. You don't seem to realise, that in -married life three is company and two is none. - -Jack. [Sententiously.] That, my dear young friend, is the theory that -the corrupt French Drama has been propounding for the last fifty years. - -Algernon. Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the -time. - -Jack. For heaven's sake, don't try to be cynical. It's perfectly easy -to be cynical. - -Algernon. My dear fellow, it isn't easy to be anything nowadays. There's -such a lot of beastly competition about. [The sound of an electric bell -is heard.] Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors, -ever ring in that Wagnerian manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for -ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to -Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis's? - -Jack. I suppose so, if you want to. - -Algernon. Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are -not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them. - -[Enter Lane.] - -Lane. Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax. - -[Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady Bracknell and -Gwendolen.] - -Lady Bracknell. Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving -very well. - -Algernon. I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. That's not quite the same thing. In fact the two things -rarely go together. [Sees Jack and bows to him with icy coldness.] - -Algernon. [To Gwendolen.] Dear me, you are smart! - -Gwendolen. I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. Worthing? - -Jack. You're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax. - -Gwendolen. Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for -developments, and I intend to develop in many directions. [Gwendolen and -Jack sit down together in the corner.] - -Lady Bracknell. I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was -obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor -husband's death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty -years younger. And now I'll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice -cucumber sandwiches you promised me. - -Algernon. Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over to tea-table.] - -Lady Bracknell. Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen? - -Gwendolen. Thanks, mamma, I'm quite comfortable where I am. - -Algernon. [Picking up empty plate in horror.] Good heavens! Lane! Why -are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially. - -Lane. [Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, -sir. I went down twice. - -Algernon. No cucumbers! - -Lane. No, sir. Not even for ready money. - -Algernon. That will do, Lane, thank you. - -Lane. Thank you, sir. [Goes out.] - -Algernon. I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no -cucumbers, not even for ready money. - -Lady Bracknell. It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some -crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for -pleasure now. - -Algernon. I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief. - -Lady Bracknell. It certainly has changed its colour. From what cause I, -of course, cannot say. [Algernon crosses and hands tea.] Thank you. -I've quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon. I am going to send you -down with Mary Farquhar. She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to -her husband. It's delightful to watch them. - -Algernon. I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the -pleasure of dining with you to-night after all. - -Lady Bracknell. [Frowning.] I hope not, Algernon. It would put my -table completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. -Fortunately he is accustomed to that. - -Algernon. It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible -disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say -that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again. [Exchanges glances with -Jack.] They seem to think I should be with him. - -Lady Bracknell. It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer -from curiously bad health. - -Algernon. Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid. - -Lady Bracknell. Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time -that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. -This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way -approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. -Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health -is the primary duty of life. I am always telling that to your poor -uncle, but he never seems to take much notice . . . as far as any -improvement in his ailment goes. I should be much obliged if you would -ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on -Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me. It is my last -reception, and one wants something that will encourage conversation, -particularly at the end of the season when every one has practically said -whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much. - -Algernon. I'll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, -and I think I can promise you he'll be all right by Saturday. Of course -the music is a great difficulty. You see, if one plays good music, -people don't listen, and if one plays bad music people don't talk. But -I'll run over the programme I've drawn out, if you will kindly come into -the next room for a moment. - -Lady Bracknell. Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you. -[Rising, and following Algernon.] I'm sure the programme will be -delightful, after a few expurgations. French songs I cannot possibly -allow. People always seem to think that they are improper, and either -look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse. But German -sounds a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed, I believe is so. -Gwendolen, you will accompany me. - -Gwendolen. Certainly, mamma. - -[Lady Bracknell and Algernon go into the music-room, Gwendolen remains -behind.] - -Jack. Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax. - -Gwendolen. Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. -Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain -that they mean something else. And that makes me so nervous. - -Jack. I do mean something else. - -Gwendolen. I thought so. In fact, I am never wrong. - -Jack. And I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady -Bracknell's temporary absence . . . - -Gwendolen. I would certainly advise you to do so. Mamma has a way of -coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak to her -about. - -Jack. [Nervously.] Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired -you more than any girl . . . I have ever met since . . . I met you. - -Gwendolen. Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact. And I often wish -that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative. For me you -have always had an irresistible fascination. Even before I met you I was -far from indifferent to you. [Jack looks at her in amazement.] We live, -as I hope you know, Mr. Worthing, in an age of ideals. The fact is -constantly mentioned in the more expensive monthly magazines, and has -reached the provincial pulpits, I am told; and my ideal has always been -to love some one of the name of Ernest. There is something in that name -that inspires absolute confidence. The moment Algernon first mentioned -to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love -you. - -Jack. You really love me, Gwendolen? - -Gwendolen. Passionately! - -Jack. Darling! You don't know how happy you've made me. - -Gwendolen. My own Ernest! - -Jack. But you don't really mean to say that you couldn't love me if my -name wasn't Ernest? - -Gwendolen. But your name is Ernest. - -Jack. Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you -mean to say you couldn't love me then? - -Gwendolen. [Glibly.] Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, -and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all -to the actual facts of real life, as we know them. - -Jack. Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don't much care -about the name of Ernest . . . I don't think the name suits me at all. - -Gwendolen. It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music -of its own. It produces vibrations. - -Jack. Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of -other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name. - -Gwendolen. Jack? . . . No, there is very little music in the name Jack, -if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no -vibrations . . . I have known several Jacks, and they all, without -exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious -domesticity for John! And I pity any woman who is married to a man -called John. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing -pleasure of a single moment's solitude. The only really safe name is -Ernest. - -Jack. Gwendolen, I must get christened at once--I mean we must get -married at once. There is no time to be lost. - -Gwendolen. Married, Mr. Worthing? - -Jack. [Astounded.] Well . . . surely. You know that I love you, and -you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely -indifferent to me. - -Gwendolen. I adore you. But you haven't proposed to me yet. Nothing -has been said at all about marriage. The subject has not even been -touched on. - -Jack. Well . . . may I propose to you now? - -Gwendolen. I think it would be an admirable opportunity. And to spare -you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to -tell you quite frankly before-hand that I am fully determined to accept -you. - -Jack. Gwendolen! - -Gwendolen. Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me? - -Jack. You know what I have got to say to you. - -Gwendolen. Yes, but you don't say it. - -Jack. Gwendolen, will you marry me? [Goes on his knees.] - -Gwendolen. Of course I will, darling. How long you have been about it! -I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose. - -Jack. My own one, I have never loved any one in the world but you. - -Gwendolen. Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my brother -Gerald does. All my girl-friends tell me so. What wonderfully blue eyes -you have, Ernest! They are quite, quite, blue. I hope you will always -look at me just like that, especially when there are other people -present. [Enter Lady Bracknell.] - -Lady Bracknell. Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent -posture. It is most indecorous. - -Gwendolen. Mamma! [He tries to rise; she restrains him.] I must beg -you to retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not -quite finished yet. - -Lady Bracknell. Finished what, may I ask? - -Gwendolen. I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma. [They rise together.] - -Lady Bracknell. Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one. When you do -become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit -him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young -girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It is -hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself . . . -And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing. While I am -making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the -carriage. - -Gwendolen. [Reproachfully.] Mamma! - -Lady Bracknell. In the carriage, Gwendolen! [Gwendolen goes to the -door. She and Jack blow kisses to each other behind Lady Bracknell's -back. Lady Bracknell looks vaguely about as if she could not understand -what the noise was. Finally turns round.] Gwendolen, the carriage! - -Gwendolen. Yes, mamma. [Goes out, looking back at Jack.] - -Lady Bracknell. [Sitting down.] You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing. - -[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.] - -Jack. Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing. - -Lady Bracknell. [Pencil and note-book in hand.] I feel bound to tell -you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I -have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together, -in fact. However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your -answers be what a really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke? - -Jack. Well, yes, I must admit I smoke. - -Lady Bracknell. I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an -occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it -is. How old are you? - -Jack. Twenty-nine. - -Lady Bracknell. A very good age to be married at. I have always been of -opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either -everything or nothing. Which do you know? - -Jack. [After some hesitation.] I know nothing, Lady Bracknell. - -Lady Bracknell. I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything -that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic -fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern -education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, -education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a -serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of -violence in Grosvenor Square. What is your income? - -Jack. Between seven and eight thousand a year. - -Lady Bracknell. [Makes a note in her book.] In land, or in investments? - -Jack. In investments, chiefly. - -Lady Bracknell. That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected -of one during one's lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one's -death, land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one -position, and prevents one from keeping it up. That's all that can be -said about land. - -Jack. I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, -about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don't depend on that for my -real income. In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the -only people who make anything out of it. - -Lady Bracknell. A country house! How many bedrooms? Well, that point -can be cleared up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? A girl -with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected -to reside in the country. - -Jack. Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year -to Lady Bloxham. Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six -months' notice. - -Lady Bracknell. Lady Bloxham? I don't know her. - -Jack. Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady considerably -advanced in years. - -Lady Bracknell. Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of -character. What number in Belgrave Square? - -Jack. 149. - -Lady Bracknell. [Shaking her head.] The unfashionable side. I thought -there was something. However, that could easily be altered. - -Jack. Do you mean the fashion, or the side? - -Lady Bracknell. [Sternly.] Both, if necessary, I presume. What are -your politics? - -Jack. Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a Liberal Unionist. - -Lady Bracknell. Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or come -in the evening, at any rate. Now to minor matters. Are your parents -living? - -Jack. I have lost both my parents. - -Lady Bracknell. To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a -misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Who was your father? -He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was he born in what the Radical -papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the -aristocracy? - -Jack. I am afraid I really don't know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I -said I had lost my parents. It would be nearer the truth to say that my -parents seem to have lost me . . . I don't actually know who I am by -birth. I was . . . well, I was found. - -Lady Bracknell. Found! - -Jack. The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable -and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, -because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his -pocket at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside -resort. - -Lady Bracknell. Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class -ticket for this seaside resort find you? - -Jack. [Gravely.] In a hand-bag. - -Lady Bracknell. A hand-bag? - -Jack. [Very seriously.] Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a hand-bag--a -somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handles to it--an ordinary -hand-bag in fact. - -Lady Bracknell. In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew -come across this ordinary hand-bag? - -Jack. In the cloak-room at Victoria Station. It was given to him in -mistake for his own. - -Lady Bracknell. The cloak-room at Victoria Station? - -Jack. Yes. The Brighton line. - -Lady Bracknell. The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel -somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any -rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to -display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds -one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution. And I presume you -know what that unfortunate movement led to? As for the particular -locality in which the hand-bag was found, a cloak-room at a railway -station might serve to conceal a social indiscretion--has probably, -indeed, been used for that purpose before now--but it could hardly be -regarded as an assured basis for a recognised position in good society. - -Jack. May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? I need hardly -say I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen's happiness. - -Lady Bracknell. I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and -acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort -to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is -quite over. - -Jack. Well, I don't see how I could possibly manage to do that. I can -produce the hand-bag at any moment. It is in my dressing-room at home. I -really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell. - -Lady Bracknell. Me, sir! What has it to do with me? You can hardly -imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only -daughter--a girl brought up with the utmost care--to marry into a cloak- -room, and form an alliance with a parcel? Good morning, Mr. Worthing! - -[Lady Bracknell sweeps out in majestic indignation.] - -Jack. Good morning! [Algernon, from the other room, strikes up the -Wedding March. Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door.] For -goodness' sake don't play that ghastly tune, Algy. How idiotic you are! - -[The music stops and Algernon enters cheerily.] - -Algernon. Didn't it go off all right, old boy? You don't mean to say -Gwendolen refused you? I know it is a way she has. She is always -refusing people. I think it is most ill-natured of her. - -Jack. Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet. As far as she is -concerned, we are engaged. Her mother is perfectly unbearable. Never -met such a Gorgon . . . I don't really know what a Gorgon is like, but I -am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one. In any case, she is a monster, -without being a myth, which is rather unfair . . . I beg your pardon, -Algy, I suppose I shouldn't talk about your own aunt in that way before -you. - -Algernon. My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. It is the -only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a -tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to -live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. - -Jack. Oh, that is nonsense! - -Algernon. It isn't! - -Jack. Well, I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue -about things. - -Algernon. That is exactly what things were originally made for. - -Jack. Upon my word, if I thought that, I'd shoot myself . . . [A pause.] -You don't think there is any chance of Gwendolen becoming like her mother -in about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algy? - -Algernon. All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. -No man does. That's his. - -Jack. Is that clever? - -Algernon. It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true as any observation -in civilised life should be. - -Jack. I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. -You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has -become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few -fools left. - -Algernon. We have. - -Jack. I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about? - -Algernon. The fools? Oh! about the clever people, of course. - -Jack. What fools! - -Algernon. By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your being -Ernest in town, and Jack in the country? - -Jack. [In a very patronising manner.] My dear fellow, the truth isn't -quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl. What -extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman! - -Algernon. The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if -she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain. - -Jack. Oh, that is nonsense. - -Algernon. What about your brother? What about the profligate Ernest? - -Jack. Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid of him. I'll -say he died in Paris of apoplexy. Lots of people die of apoplexy, quite -suddenly, don't they? - -Algernon. Yes, but it's hereditary, my dear fellow. It's a sort of -thing that runs in families. You had much better say a severe chill. - -Jack. You are sure a severe chill isn't hereditary, or anything of that -kind? - -Algernon. Of course it isn't! - -Jack. Very well, then. My poor brother Ernest to carried off suddenly, -in Paris, by a severe chill. That gets rid of him. - -Algernon. But I thought you said that . . . Miss Cardew was a little too -much interested in your poor brother Ernest? Won't she feel his loss a -good deal? - -Jack. Oh, that is all right. Cecily is not a silly romantic girl, I am -glad to say. She has got a capital appetite, goes long walks, and pays -no attention at all to her lessons. - -Algernon. I would rather like to see Cecily. - -Jack. I will take very good care you never do. She is excessively -pretty, and she is only just eighteen. - -Algernon. Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively -pretty ward who is only just eighteen? - -Jack. Oh! one doesn't blurt these things out to people. Cecily and -Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends. I'll bet -you anything you like that half an hour after they have met, they will be -calling each other sister. - -Algernon. Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of -other things first. Now, my dear boy, if we want to get a good table at -Willis's, we really must go and dress. Do you know it is nearly seven? - -Jack. [Irritably.] Oh! It always is nearly seven. - -Algernon. Well, I'm hungry. - -Jack. I never knew you when you weren't . . . - -Algernon. What shall we do after dinner? Go to a theatre? - -Jack. Oh no! I loathe listening. - -Algernon. Well, let us go to the Club? - -Jack. Oh, no! I hate talking. - -Algernon. Well, we might trot round to the Empire at ten? - -Jack. Oh, no! I can't bear looking at things. It is so silly. - -Algernon. Well, what shall we do? - -Jack. Nothing! - -Algernon. It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don't mind -hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. - -[Enter Lane.] - -Lane. Miss Fairfax. - -[Enter Gwendolen. Lane goes out.] - -Algernon. Gwendolen, upon my word! - -Gwendolen. Algy, kindly turn your back. I have something very -particular to say to Mr. Worthing. - -Algernon. Really, Gwendolen, I don't think I can allow this at all. - -Gwendolen. Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards -life. You are not quite old enough to do that. [Algernon retires to the -fireplace.] - -Jack. My own darling! - -Gwendolen. Ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on -mamma's face I fear we never shall. Few parents nowadays pay any regard -to what their children say to them. The old-fashioned respect for the -young is fast dying out. Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I -lost at the age of three. But although she may prevent us from becoming -man and wife, and I may marry some one else, and marry often, nothing -that she can possibly do can alter my eternal devotion to you. - -Jack. Dear Gwendolen! - -Gwendolen. The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma, -with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my -nature. Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination. The -simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to -me. Your town address at the Albany I have. What is your address in the -country? - -Jack. The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire. - -[Algernon, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, and -writes the address on his shirt-cuff. Then picks up the Railway Guide.] - -Gwendolen. There is a good postal service, I suppose? It may be -necessary to do something desperate. That of course will require serious -consideration. I will communicate with you daily. - -Jack. My own one! - -Gwendolen. How long do you remain in town? - -Jack. Till Monday. - -Gwendolen. Good! Algy, you may turn round now. - -Algernon. Thanks, I've turned round already. - -Gwendolen. You may also ring the bell. - -Jack. You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling? - -Gwendolen. Certainly. - -Jack. [To Lane, who now enters.] I will see Miss Fairfax out. - -Lane. Yes, sir. [Jack and Gwendolen go off.] - -[Lane presents several letters on a salver to Algernon. It is to be -surmised that they are bills, as Algernon, after looking at the -envelopes, tears them up.] - -Algernon. A glass of sherry, Lane. - -Lane. Yes, sir. - -Algernon. To-morrow, Lane, I'm going Bunburying. - -Lane. Yes, sir. - -Algernon. I shall probably not be back till Monday. You can put up my -dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits . . . - -Lane. Yes, sir. [Handing sherry.] - -Algernon. I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane. - -Lane. It never is, sir. - -Algernon. Lane, you're a perfect pessimist. - -Lane. I do my best to give satisfaction, sir. - -[Enter Jack. Lane goes off.] - -Jack. There's a sensible, intellectual girl! the only girl I ever cared -for in my life. [Algernon is laughing immoderately.] What on earth are -you so amused at? - -Algernon. Oh, I'm a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all. - -Jack. If you don't take care, your friend Bunbury will get you into a -serious scrape some day. - -Algernon. I love scrapes. They are the only things that are never -serious. - -Jack. Oh, that's nonsense, Algy. You never talk anything but nonsense. - -Algernon. Nobody ever does. - -[Jack looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room. Algernon lights a -cigarette, reads his shirt-cuff, and smiles.] - -ACT DROP - - - - -SECOND ACT - - -SCENE - - -Garden at the Manor House. A flight of grey stone steps leads up to the -house. The garden, an old-fashioned one, full of roses. Time of year, -July. Basket chairs, and a table covered with books, are set under a -large yew-tree. - -[Miss Prism discovered seated at the table. Cecily is at the back -watering flowers.] - -Miss Prism. [Calling.] Cecily, Cecily! Surely such a utilitarian -occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Moulton's duty than -yours? Especially at a moment when intellectual pleasures await you. -Your German grammar is on the table. Pray open it at page fifteen. We -will repeat yesterday's lesson. - -Cecily. [Coming over very slowly.] But I don't like German. It isn't -at all a becoming language. I know perfectly well that I look quite -plain after my German lesson. - -Miss Prism. Child, you know how anxious your guardian is that you should -improve yourself in every way. He laid particular stress on your German, -as he was leaving for town yesterday. Indeed, he always lays stress on -your German when he is leaving for town. - -Cecily. Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious! Sometimes he is so serious -that I think he cannot be quite well. - -Miss Prism. [Drawing herself up.] Your guardian enjoys the best of -health, and his gravity of demeanour is especially to be commended in one -so comparatively young as he is. I know no one who has a higher sense of -duty and responsibility. - -Cecily. I suppose that is why he often looks a little bored when we -three are together. - -Miss Prism. Cecily! I am surprised at you. Mr. Worthing has many -troubles in his life. Idle merriment and triviality would be out of -place in his conversation. You must remember his constant anxiety about -that unfortunate young man his brother. - -Cecily. I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man, his -brother, to come down here sometimes. We might have a good influence -over him, Miss Prism. I am sure you certainly would. You know German, -and geology, and things of that kind influence a man very much. [Cecily -begins to write in her diary.] - -Miss Prism. [Shaking her head.] I do not think that even I could -produce any effect on a character that according to his own brother's -admission is irretrievably weak and vacillating. Indeed I am not sure -that I would desire to reclaim him. I am not in favour of this modern -mania for turning bad people into good people at a moment's notice. As a -man sows so let him reap. You must put away your diary, Cecily. I -really don't see why you should keep a diary at all. - -Cecily. I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my -life. If I didn't write them down, I should probably forget all about -them. - -Miss Prism. Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that we all carry about -with us. - -Cecily. Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never -happened, and couldn't possibly have happened. I believe that Memory is -responsible for nearly all the three-volume novels that Mudie sends us. - -Miss Prism. Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily. -I wrote one myself in earlier days. - -Cecily. Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully clever you are! I -hope it did not end happily? I don't like novels that end happily. They -depress me so much. - -Miss Prism. The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what -Fiction means. - -Cecily. I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. And was your novel -ever published? - -Miss Prism. Alas! no. The manuscript unfortunately was abandoned. -[Cecily starts.] I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid. To -your work, child, these speculations are profitless. - -Cecily. [Smiling.] But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the -garden. - -Miss Prism. [Rising and advancing.] Dr. Chasuble! This is indeed a -pleasure. - -[Enter Canon Chasuble.] - -Chasuble. And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, you are, I trust, -well? - -Cecily. Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. I -think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the -Park, Dr. Chasuble. - -Miss Prism. Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache. - -Cecily. No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that -you had a headache. Indeed I was thinking about that, and not about my -German lesson, when the Rector came in. - -Chasuble. I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive. - -Cecily. Oh, I am afraid I am. - -Chasuble. That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism's -pupil, I would hang upon her lips. [Miss Prism glares.] I spoke -metaphorically.--My metaphor was drawn from bees. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, I -suppose, has not returned from town yet? - -Miss Prism. We do not expect him till Monday afternoon. - -Chasuble. Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London. He is -not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all accounts, that -unfortunate young man his brother seems to be. But I must not disturb -Egeria and her pupil any longer. - -Miss Prism. Egeria? My name is Laetitia, Doctor. - -Chasuble. [Bowing.] A classical allusion merely, drawn from the Pagan -authors. I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong? - -Miss Prism. I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you. I find -I have a headache after all, and a walk might do it good. - -Chasuble. With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. We might go as far -as the schools and back. - -Miss Prism. That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your -Political Economy in my absence. The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee -you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. Even these metallic -problems have their melodramatic side. - -[Goes down the garden with Dr. Chasuble.] - -Cecily. [Picks up books and throws them back on table.] Horrid -Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid German! - -[Enter Merriman with a card on a salver.] - -Merriman. Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He -has brought his luggage with him. - -Cecily. [Takes the card and reads it.] 'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The -Albany, W.' Uncle Jack's brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in -town? - -Merriman. Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned -that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he was anxious to -speak to you privately for a moment. - -Cecily. Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better -talk to the housekeeper about a room for him. - -Merriman. Yes, Miss. - -[Merriman goes off.] - -Cecily. I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather -frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like every one else. - -[Enter Algernon, very gay and debonnair.] He does! - -Algernon. [Raising his hat.] You are my little cousin Cecily, I'm sure. - -Cecily. You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. In fact, -I believe I am more than usually tall for my age. [Algernon is rather -taken aback.] But I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from your card, -are Uncle Jack's brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest. - -Algernon. Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. You mustn't -think that I am wicked. - -Cecily. If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in -a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double -life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That -would be hypocrisy. - -Algernon. [Looks at her in amazement.] Oh! Of course I have been -rather reckless. - -Cecily. I am glad to hear it. - -Algernon. In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in -my own small way. - -Cecily. I don't think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure -it must have been very pleasant. - -Algernon. It is much pleasanter being here with you. - -Cecily. I can't understand how you are here at all. Uncle Jack won't be -back till Monday afternoon. - -Algernon. That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go up by the -first train on Monday morning. I have a business appointment that I am -anxious . . . to miss? - -Cecily. Couldn't you miss it anywhere but in London? - -Algernon. No: the appointment is in London. - -Cecily. Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a -business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of -life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives. I -know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating. - -Algernon. About my what? - -Cecily. Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy your outfit. - -Algernon. I certainly wouldn't let Jack buy my outfit. He has no taste -in neckties at all. - -Cecily. I don't think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack is sending -you to Australia. - -Algernon. Australia! I'd sooner die. - -Cecily. Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that you would have -to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia. - -Algernon. Oh, well! The accounts I have received of Australia and the -next world, are not particularly encouraging. This world is good enough -for me, cousin Cecily. - -Cecily. Yes, but are you good enough for it? - -Algernon. I'm afraid I'm not that. That is why I want you to reform me. -You might make that your mission, if you don't mind, cousin Cecily. - -Cecily. I'm afraid I've no time, this afternoon. - -Algernon. Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon? - -Cecily. It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think you should try. - -Algernon. I will. I feel better already. - -Cecily. You are looking a little worse. - -Algernon. That is because I am hungry. - -Cecily. How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered that when one -is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome -meals. Won't you come in? - -Algernon. Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole first? I never have any -appetite unless I have a buttonhole first. - -Cecily. A Marechal Niel? [Picks up scissors.] - -Algernon. No, I'd sooner have a pink rose. - -Cecily. Why? [Cuts a flower.] - -Algernon. Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily. - -Cecily. I don't think it can be right for you to talk to me like that. -Miss Prism never says such things to me. - -Algernon. Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady. [Cecily puts the -rose in his buttonhole.] You are the prettiest girl I ever saw. - -Cecily. Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare. - -Algernon. They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be -caught in. - -Cecily. Oh, I don't think I would care to catch a sensible man. I -shouldn't know what to talk to him about. - -[They pass into the house. Miss Prism and Dr. Chasuble return.] - -Miss Prism. You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. You should get -married. A misanthrope I can understand--a womanthrope, never! - -Chasuble. [With a scholar's shudder.] Believe me, I do not deserve so -neologistic a phrase. The precept as well as the practice of the -Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony. - -Miss Prism. [Sententiously.] That is obviously the reason why the -Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day. And you do not -seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persistently remaining single, a -man converts himself into a permanent public temptation. Men should be -more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels astray. - -Chasuble. But is a man not equally attractive when married? - -Miss Prism. No married man is ever attractive except to his wife. - -Chasuble. And often, I've been told, not even to her. - -Miss Prism. That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman. -Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness can be trusted. Young -women are green. [Dr. Chasuble starts.] I spoke horticulturally. My -metaphor was drawn from fruits. But where is Cecily? - -Chasuble. Perhaps she followed us to the schools. - -[Enter Jack slowly from the back of the garden. He is dressed in the -deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves.] - -Miss Prism. Mr. Worthing! - -Chasuble. Mr. Worthing? - -Miss Prism. This is indeed a surprise. We did not look for you till -Monday afternoon. - -Jack. [Shakes Miss Prism's hand in a tragic manner.] I have returned -sooner than I expected. Dr. Chasuble, I hope you are well? - -Chasuble. Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not betoken -some terrible calamity? - -Jack. My brother. - -Miss Prism. More shameful debts and extravagance? - -Chasuble. Still leading his life of pleasure? - -Jack. [Shaking his head.] Dead! - -Chasuble. Your brother Ernest dead? - -Jack. Quite dead. - -Miss Prism. What a lesson for him! I trust he will profit by it. - -Chasuble. Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence. You have at -least the consolation of knowing that you were always the most generous -and forgiving of brothers. - -Jack. Poor Ernest! He had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blow. - -Chasuble. Very sad indeed. Were you with him at the end? - -Jack. No. He died abroad; in Paris, in fact. I had a telegram last -night from the manager of the Grand Hotel. - -Chasuble. Was the cause of death mentioned? - -Jack. A severe chill, it seems. - -Miss Prism. As a man sows, so shall he reap. - -Chasuble. [Raising his hand.] Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity! None -of us are perfect. I myself am peculiarly susceptible to draughts. Will -the interment take place here? - -Jack. No. He seems to have expressed a desire to be buried in Paris. - -Chasuble. In Paris! [Shakes his head.] I fear that hardly points to -any very serious state of mind at the last. You would no doubt wish me -to make some slight allusion to this tragic domestic affliction next -Sunday. [Jack presses his hand convulsively.] My sermon on the meaning -of the manna in the wilderness can be adapted to almost any occasion, -joyful, or, as in the present case, distressing. [All sigh.] I have -preached it at harvest celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on days -of humiliation and festal days. The last time I delivered it was in the -Cathedral, as a charity sermon on behalf of the Society for the -Prevention of Discontent among the Upper Orders. The Bishop, who was -present, was much struck by some of the analogies I drew. - -Jack. Ah! that reminds me, you mentioned christenings I think, Dr. -Chasuble? I suppose you know how to christen all right? [Dr. Chasuble -looks astounded.] I mean, of course, you are continually christening, -aren't you? - -Miss Prism. It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector's most constant -duties in this parish. I have often spoken to the poorer classes on the -subject. But they don't seem to know what thrift is. - -Chasuble. But is there any particular infant in whom you are interested, -Mr. Worthing? Your brother was, I believe, unmarried, was he not? - -Jack. Oh yes. - -Miss Prism. [Bitterly.] People who live entirely for pleasure usually -are. - -Jack. But it is not for any child, dear Doctor. I am very fond of -children. No! the fact is, I would like to be christened myself, this -afternoon, if you have nothing better to do. - -Chasuble. But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been christened already? - -Jack. I don't remember anything about it. - -Chasuble. But have you any grave doubts on the subject? - -Jack. I certainly intend to have. Of course I don't know if the thing -would bother you in any way, or if you think I am a little too old now. - -Chasuble. Not at all. The sprinkling, and, indeed, the immersion of -adults is a perfectly canonical practice. - -Jack. Immersion! - -Chasuble. You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling is all that is -necessary, or indeed I think advisable. Our weather is so changeable. At -what hour would you wish the ceremony performed? - -Jack. Oh, I might trot round about five if that would suit you. - -Chasuble. Perfectly, perfectly! In fact I have two similar ceremonies -to perform at that time. A case of twins that occurred recently in one -of the outlying cottages on your own estate. Poor Jenkins the carter, a -most hard-working man. - -Jack. Oh! I don't see much fun in being christened along with other -babies. It would be childish. Would half-past five do? - -Chasuble. Admirably! Admirably! [Takes out watch.] And now, dear Mr. -Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would -merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us -bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. - -Miss Prism. This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind. - -[Enter Cecily from the house.] - -Cecily. Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you back. But what horrid -clothes you have got on! Do go and change them. - -Miss Prism. Cecily! - -Chasuble. My child! my child! [Cecily goes towards Jack; he kisses her -brow in a melancholy manner.] - -Cecily. What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy! You look as if -you had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you. Who do you -think is in the dining-room? Your brother! - -Jack. Who? - -Cecily. Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago. - -Jack. What nonsense! I haven't got a brother. - -Cecily. Oh, don't say that. However badly he may have behaved to you in -the past he is still your brother. You couldn't be so heartless as to -disown him. I'll tell him to come out. And you will shake hands with -him, won't you, Uncle Jack? [Runs back into the house.] - -Chasuble. These are very joyful tidings. - -Miss Prism. After we had all been resigned to his loss, his sudden -return seems to me peculiarly distressing. - -Jack. My brother is in the dining-room? I don't know what it all means. -I think it is perfectly absurd. - -[Enter Algernon and Cecily hand in hand. They come slowly up to Jack.] - -Jack. Good heavens! [Motions Algernon away.] - -Algernon. Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that I am -very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, and that I intend to -lead a better life in the future. [Jack glares at him and does not take -his hand.] - -Cecily. Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother's hand? - -Jack. Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think his coming down -here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why. - -Cecily. Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in every one. Ernest -has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom -he goes to visit so often. And surely there must be much good in one who -is kind to an invalid, and leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed -of pain. - -Jack. Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he? - -Cecily. Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, and his terrible -state of health. - -Jack. Bunbury! Well, I won't have him talk to you about Bunbury or -about anything else. It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic. - -Algernon. Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. But I -must say that I think that Brother John's coldness to me is peculiarly -painful. I expected a more enthusiastic welcome, especially considering -it is the first time I have come here. - -Cecily. Uncle Jack, if you don't shake hands with Ernest I will never -forgive you. - -Jack. Never forgive me? - -Cecily. Never, never, never! - -Jack. Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it. [Shakes with -Algernon and glares.] - -Chasuble. It's pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation? -I think we might leave the two brothers together. - -Miss Prism. Cecily, you will come with us. - -Cecily. Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task of reconciliation is -over. - -Chasuble. You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear child. - -Miss Prism. We must not be premature in our judgments. - -Cecily. I feel very happy. [They all go off except Jack and Algernon.] - -Jack. You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as soon -as possible. I don't allow any Bunburying here. - -[Enter Merriman.] - -Merriman. I have put Mr. Ernest's things in the room next to yours, sir. -I suppose that is all right? - -Jack. What? - -Merriman. Mr. Ernest's luggage, sir. I have unpacked it and put it in -the room next to your own. - -Jack. His luggage? - -Merriman. Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case, two hat-boxes, -and a large luncheon-basket. - -Algernon. I am afraid I can't stay more than a week this time. - -Jack. Merriman, order the dog-cart at once. Mr. Ernest has been -suddenly called back to town. - -Merriman. Yes, sir. [Goes back into the house.] - -Algernon. What a fearful liar you are, Jack. I have not been called -back to town at all. - -Jack. Yes, you have. - -Algernon. I haven't heard any one call me. - -Jack. Your duty as a gentleman calls you back. - -Algernon. My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures -in the smallest degree. - -Jack. I can quite understand that. - -Algernon. Well, Cecily is a darling. - -Jack. You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that. I don't like it. - -Algernon. Well, I don't like your clothes. You look perfectly -ridiculous in them. Why on earth don't you go up and change? It is -perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually -staying for a whole week with you in your house as a guest. I call it -grotesque. - -Jack. You are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a guest -or anything else. You have got to leave . . . by the four-five train. - -Algernon. I certainly won't leave you so long as you are in mourning. It -would be most unfriendly. If I were in mourning you would stay with me, -I suppose. I should think it very unkind if you didn't. - -Jack. Well, will you go if I change my clothes? - -Algernon. Yes, if you are not too long. I never saw anybody take so -long to dress, and with such little result. - -Jack. Well, at any rate, that is better than being always over-dressed -as you are. - -Algernon. If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it -by being always immensely over-educated. - -Jack. Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your -presence in my garden utterly absurd. However, you have got to catch the -four-five, and I hope you will have a pleasant journey back to town. This -Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a great success for you. - -[Goes into the house.] - -Algernon. I think it has been a great success. I'm in love with Cecily, -and that is everything. - -[Enter Cecily at the back of the garden. She picks up the can and begins -to water the flowers.] But I must see her before I go, and make -arrangements for another Bunbury. Ah, there she is. - -Cecily. Oh, I merely came back to water the roses. I thought you were -with Uncle Jack. - -Algernon. He's gone to order the dog-cart for me. - -Cecily. Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive? - -Algernon. He's going to send me away. - -Cecily. Then have we got to part? - -Algernon. I am afraid so. It's a very painful parting. - -Cecily. It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for -a very brief space of time. The absence of old friends one can endure -with equanimity. But even a momentary separation from anyone to whom one -has just been introduced is almost unbearable. - -Algernon. Thank you. - -[Enter Merriman.] - -Merriman. The dog-cart is at the door, sir. [Algernon looks appealingly -at Cecily.] - -Cecily. It can wait, Merriman for . . . five minutes. - -Merriman. Yes, Miss. [Exit Merriman.] - -Algernon. I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I state quite -frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every way the visible -personification of absolute perfection. - -Cecily. I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest. If you -will allow me, I will copy your remarks into my diary. [Goes over to -table and begins writing in diary.] - -Algernon. Do you really keep a diary? I'd give anything to look at it. -May I? - -Cecily. Oh no. [Puts her hand over it.] You see, it is simply a very -young girl's record of her own thoughts and impressions, and consequently -meant for publication. When it appears in volume form I hope you will -order a copy. But pray, Ernest, don't stop. I delight in taking down -from dictation. I have reached 'absolute perfection'. You can go on. I -am quite ready for more. - -Algernon. [Somewhat taken aback.] Ahem! Ahem! - -Cecily. Oh, don't cough, Ernest. When one is dictating one should speak -fluently and not cough. Besides, I don't know how to spell a cough. -[Writes as Algernon speaks.] - -Algernon. [Speaking very rapidly.] Cecily, ever since I first looked -upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to love you -wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. - -Cecily. I don't think that you should tell me that you love me wildly, -passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. Hopelessly doesn't seem to make -much sense, does it? - -Algernon. Cecily! - -[Enter Merriman.] - -Merriman. The dog-cart is waiting, sir. - -Algernon. Tell it to come round next week, at the same hour. - -Merriman. [Looks at Cecily, who makes no sign.] Yes, sir. - -[Merriman retires.] - -Cecily. Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knew you were -staying on till next week, at the same hour. - -Algernon. Oh, I don't care about Jack. I don't care for anybody in the -whole world but you. I love you, Cecily. You will marry me, won't you? - -Cecily. You silly boy! Of course. Why, we have been engaged for the -last three months. - -Algernon. For the last three months? - -Cecily. Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday. - -Algernon. But how did we become engaged? - -Cecily. Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us that he -had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you of course have -formed the chief topic of conversation between myself and Miss Prism. And -of course a man who is much talked about is always very attractive. One -feels there must be something in him, after all. I daresay it was -foolish of me, but I fell in love with you, Ernest. - -Algernon. Darling! And when was the engagement actually settled? - -Cecily. On the 14th of February last. Worn out by your entire ignorance -of my existence, I determined to end the matter one way or the other, and -after a long struggle with myself I accepted you under this dear old tree -here. The next day I bought this little ring in your name, and this is -the little bangle with the true lover's knot I promised you always to -wear. - -Algernon. Did I give you this? It's very pretty, isn't it? - -Cecily. Yes, you've wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It's the excuse -I've always given for your leading such a bad life. And this is the box -in which I keep all your dear letters. [Kneels at table, opens box, and -produces letters tied up with blue ribbon.] - -Algernon. My letters! But, my own sweet Cecily, I have never written -you any letters. - -Cecily. You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest. I remember only too -well that I was forced to write your letters for you. I wrote always -three times a week, and sometimes oftener. - -Algernon. Oh, do let me read them, Cecily? - -Cecily. Oh, I couldn't possibly. They would make you far too conceited. -[Replaces box.] The three you wrote me after I had broken off the -engagement are so beautiful, and so badly spelled, that even now I can -hardly read them without crying a little. - -Algernon. But was our engagement ever broken off? - -Cecily. Of course it was. On the 22nd of last March. You can see the -entry if you like. [Shows diary.] 'To-day I broke off my engagement with -Ernest. I feel it is better to do so. The weather still continues -charming.' - -Algernon. But why on earth did you break it off? What had I done? I -had done nothing at all. Cecily, I am very much hurt indeed to hear you -broke it off. Particularly when the weather was so charming. - -Cecily. It would hardly have been a really serious engagement if it -hadn't been broken off at least once. But I forgave you before the week -was out. - -Algernon. [Crossing to her, and kneeling.] What a perfect angel you -are, Cecily. - -Cecily. You dear romantic boy. [He kisses her, she puts her fingers -through his hair.] I hope your hair curls naturally, does it? - -Algernon. Yes, darling, with a little help from others. - -Cecily. I am so glad. - -Algernon. You'll never break off our engagement again, Cecily? - -Cecily. I don't think I could break it off now that I have actually met -you. Besides, of course, there is the question of your name. - -Algernon. Yes, of course. [Nervously.] - -Cecily. You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had always been a -girlish dream of mine to love some one whose name was Ernest. [Algernon -rises, Cecily also.] There is something in that name that seems to -inspire absolute confidence. I pity any poor married woman whose husband -is not called Ernest. - -Algernon. But, my dear child, do you mean to say you could not love me -if I had some other name? - -Cecily. But what name? - -Algernon. Oh, any name you like--Algernon--for instance . . . - -Cecily. But I don't like the name of Algernon. - -Algernon. Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really -can't see why you should object to the name of Algernon. It is not at -all a bad name. In fact, it is rather an aristocratic name. Half of the -chaps who get into the Bankruptcy Court are called Algernon. But -seriously, Cecily . . . [Moving to her] . . . if my name was Algy, -couldn't you love me? - -Cecily. [Rising.] I might respect you, Ernest, I might admire your -character, but I fear that I should not be able to give you my undivided -attention. - -Algernon. Ahem! Cecily! [Picking up hat.] Your Rector here is, I -suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice of all the rites and -ceremonials of the Church? - -Cecily. Oh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned man. He has never -written a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows. - -Algernon. I must see him at once on a most important christening--I mean -on most important business. - -Cecily. Oh! - -Algernon. I shan't be away more than half an hour. - -Cecily. Considering that we have been engaged since February the 14th, -and that I only met you to-day for the first time, I think it is rather -hard that you should leave me for so long a period as half an hour. -Couldn't you make it twenty minutes? - -Algernon. I'll be back in no time. - -[Kisses her and rushes down the garden.] - -Cecily. What an impetuous boy he is! I like his hair so much. I must -enter his proposal in my diary. - -[Enter Merriman.] - -Merriman. A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing. On very -important business, Miss Fairfax states. - -Cecily. Isn't Mr. Worthing in his library? - -Merriman. Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of the Rectory some -time ago. - -Cecily. Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing is sure to be -back soon. And you can bring tea. - -Merriman. Yes, Miss. [Goes out.] - -Cecily. Miss Fairfax! I suppose one of the many good elderly women who -are associated with Uncle Jack in some of his philanthropic work in -London. I don't quite like women who are interested in philanthropic -work. I think it is so forward of them. - -[Enter Merriman.] - -Merriman. Miss Fairfax. - -[Enter Gwendolen.] - -[Exit Merriman.] - -Cecily. [Advancing to meet her.] Pray let me introduce myself to you. -My name is Cecily Cardew. - -Gwendolen. Cecily Cardew? [Moving to her and shaking hands.] What a -very sweet name! Something tells me that we are going to be great -friends. I like you already more than I can say. My first impressions -of people are never wrong. - -Cecily. How nice of you to like me so much after we have known each -other such a comparatively short time. Pray sit down. - -Gwendolen. [Still standing up.] I may call you Cecily, may I not? - -Cecily. With pleasure! - -Gwendolen. And you will always call me Gwendolen, won't you? - -Cecily. If you wish. - -Gwendolen. Then that is all quite settled, is it not? - -Cecily. I hope so. [A pause. They both sit down together.] - -Gwendolen. Perhaps this might be a favourable opportunity for my -mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. You have never heard -of papa, I suppose? - -Cecily. I don't think so. - -Gwendolen. Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad to say, is -entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it should be. The home seems -to me to be the proper sphere for the man. And certainly once a man -begins to neglect his domestic duties he becomes painfully effeminate, -does he not? And I don't like that. It makes men so very attractive. -Cecily, mamma, whose views on education are remarkably strict, has -brought me up to be extremely short-sighted; it is part of her system; so -do you mind my looking at you through my glasses? - -Cecily. Oh! not at all, Gwendolen. I am very fond of being looked at. - -Gwendolen. [After examining Cecily carefully through a lorgnette.] You -are here on a short visit, I suppose. - -Cecily. Oh no! I live here. - -Gwendolen. [Severely.] Really? Your mother, no doubt, or some female -relative of advanced years, resides here also? - -Cecily. Oh no! I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations. - -Gwendolen. Indeed? - -Cecily. My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism, has the -arduous task of looking after me. - -Gwendolen. Your guardian? - -Cecily. Yes, I am Mr. Worthing's ward. - -Gwendolen. Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a -ward. How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. I am not -sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed -delight. [Rising and going to her.] I am very fond of you, Cecily; I -have liked you ever since I met you! But I am bound to state that now -that I know that you are Mr. Worthing's ward, I cannot help expressing a -wish you were--well, just a little older than you seem to be--and not -quite so very alluring in appearance. In fact, if I may speak candidly-- - -Cecily. Pray do! I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to -say, one should always be quite candid. - -Gwendolen. Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that you -were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for your age. Ernest -has a strong upright nature. He is the very soul of truth and honour. -Disloyalty would be as impossible to him as deception. But even men of -the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the -influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less than Ancient -History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. -If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable. - -Cecily. I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest? - -Gwendolen. Yes. - -Cecily. Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is my guardian. It is -his brother--his elder brother. - -Gwendolen. [Sitting down again.] Ernest never mentioned to me that he -had a brother. - -Cecily. I am sorry to say they have not been on good terms for a long -time. - -Gwendolen. Ah! that accounts for it. And now that I think of it I have -never heard any man mention his brother. The subject seems distasteful -to most men. Cecily, you have lifted a load from my mind. I was growing -almost anxious. It would have been terrible if any cloud had come across -a friendship like ours, would it not? Of course you are quite, quite -sure that it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is your guardian? - -Cecily. Quite sure. [A pause.] In fact, I am going to be his. - -Gwendolen. [Inquiringly.] I beg your pardon? - -Cecily. [Rather shy and confidingly.] Dearest Gwendolen, there is no -reason why I should make a secret of it to you. Our little county -newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week. Mr. Ernest Worthing -and I are engaged to be married. - -Gwendolen. [Quite politely, rising.] My darling Cecily, I think there -must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to me. The -announcement will appear in the _Morning Post_ on Saturday at the latest. - -Cecily. [Very politely, rising.] I am afraid you must be under some -misconception. Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago. [Shows -diary.] - -Gwendolen. [Examines diary through her lorgnettte carefully.] It is -certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday -afternoon at 5.30. If you would care to verify the incident, pray do so. -[Produces diary of her own.] I never travel without my diary. One -should always have something sensational to read in the train. I am so -sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any disappointment to you, but I am afraid I -have the prior claim. - -Cecily. It would distress me more than I can tell you, dear Gwendolen, -if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I feel bound to -point out that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly has changed his -mind. - -Gwendolen. [Meditatively.] If the poor fellow has been entrapped into -any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty to rescue him at once, -and with a firm hand. - -Cecily. [Thoughtfully and sadly.] Whatever unfortunate entanglement my -dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach him with it after we -are married. - -Gwendolen. Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement? You -are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a -moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure. - -Cecily. Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into an -engagement? How dare you? This is no time for wearing the shallow mask -of manners. When I see a spade I call it a spade. - -Gwendolen. [Satirically.] I am glad to say that I have never seen a -spade. It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different. - -[Enter Merriman, followed by the footman. He carries a salver, table -cloth, and plate stand. Cecily is about to retort. The presence of the -servants exercises a restraining influence, under which both girls -chafe.] - -Merriman. Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss? - -Cecily. [Sternly, in a calm voice.] Yes, as usual. [Merriman begins to -clear table and lay cloth. A long pause. Cecily and Gwendolen glare at -each other.] - -Gwendolen. Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, Miss -Cardew? - -Cecily. Oh! yes! a great many. From the top of one of the hills quite -close one can see five counties. - -Gwendolen. Five counties! I don't think I should like that; I hate -crowds. - -Cecily. [Sweetly.] I suppose that is why you live in town? [Gwendolen -bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously with her parasol.] - -Gwendolen. [Looking round.] Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss -Cardew. - -Cecily. So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax. - -Gwendolen. I had no idea there were any flowers in the country. - -Cecily. Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are in -London. - -Gwendolen. Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist -in the country, if anybody who is anybody does. The country always bores -me to death. - -Cecily. Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural depression, -is it not? I believe the aristocracy are suffering very much from it -just at present. It is almost an epidemic amongst them, I have been -told. May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax? - -Gwendolen. [With elaborate politeness.] Thank you. [Aside.] Detestable -girl! But I require tea! - -Cecily. [Sweetly.] Sugar? - -Gwendolen. [Superciliously.] No, thank you. Sugar is not fashionable -any more. [Cecily looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs and puts four -lumps of sugar into the cup.] - -Cecily. [Severely.] Cake or bread and butter? - -Gwendolen. [In a bored manner.] Bread and butter, please. Cake is -rarely seen at the best houses nowadays. - -Cecily. [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the tray.] Hand -that to Miss Fairfax. - -[Merriman does so, and goes out with footman. Gwendolen drinks the tea -and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches out her hand to the -bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake. Rises in -indignation.] - -Gwendolen. You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I -asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I am -known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary -sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far. - -Cecily. [Rising.] To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the -machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I would not -go. - -Gwendolen. From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt that you -were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters. My first -impressions of people are invariably right. - -Cecily. It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your -valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of a similar character -to make in the neighbourhood. - -[Enter Jack.] - -Gwendolen. [Catching sight of him.] Ernest! My own Ernest! - -Jack. Gwendolen! Darling! [Offers to kiss her.] - -Gwendolen. [Draws back.] A moment! May I ask if you are engaged to be -married to this young lady? [Points to Cecily.] - -Jack. [Laughing.] To dear little Cecily! Of course not! What could -have put such an idea into your pretty little head? - -Gwendolen. Thank you. You may! [Offers her cheek.] - -Cecily. [Very sweetly.] I knew there must be some misunderstanding, -Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is -my guardian, Mr. John Worthing. - -Gwendolen. I beg your pardon? - -Cecily. This is Uncle Jack. - -Gwendolen. [Receding.] Jack! Oh! - -[Enter Algernon.] - -Cecily. Here is Ernest. - -Algernon. [Goes straight over to Cecily without noticing any one else.] -My own love! [Offers to kiss her.] - -Cecily. [Drawing back.] A moment, Ernest! May I ask you--are you -engaged to be married to this young lady? - -Algernon. [Looking round.] To what young lady? Good heavens! -Gwendolen! - -Cecily. Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen. - -Algernon. [Laughing.] Of course not! What could have put such an idea -into your pretty little head? - -Cecily. Thank you. [Presenting her cheek to be kissed.] You may. -[Algernon kisses her.] - -Gwendolen. I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The -gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff. - -Cecily. [Breaking away from Algernon.] Algernon Moncrieff! Oh! [The -two girls move towards each other and put their arms round each other's -waists as if for protection.] - -Cecily. Are you called Algernon? - -Algernon. I cannot deny it. - -Cecily. Oh! - -Gwendolen. Is your name really John? - -Jack. [Standing rather proudly.] I could deny it if I liked. I could -deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It has been -John for years. - -Cecily. [To Gwendolen.] A gross deception has been practised on both of -us. - -Gwendolen. My poor wounded Cecily! - -Cecily. My sweet wronged Gwendolen! - -Gwendolen. [Slowly and seriously.] You will call me sister, will you -not? [They embrace. Jack and Algernon groan and walk up and down.] - -Cecily. [Rather brightly.] There is just one question I would like to -be allowed to ask my guardian. - -Gwendolen. An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there is just one question -I would like to be permitted to put to you. Where is your brother -Ernest? We are both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it -is a matter of some importance to us to know where your brother Ernest is -at present. - -Jack. [Slowly and hesitatingly.] Gwendolen--Cecily--it is very painful -for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life -that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really -quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind. However, I will tell -you quite frankly that I have no brother Ernest. I have no brother at -all. I never had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not the -smallest intention of ever having one in the future. - -Cecily. [Surprised.] No brother at all? - -Jack. [Cheerily.] None! - -Gwendolen. [Severely.] Had you never a brother of any kind? - -Jack. [Pleasantly.] Never. Not even of any kind. - -Gwendolen. I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is -engaged to be married to any one. - -Cecily. It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to -find herself in. Is it? - -Gwendolen. Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to come -after us there. - -Cecily. No, men are so cowardly, aren't they? - -[They retire into the house with scornful looks.] - -Jack. This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I -suppose? - -Algernon. Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most -wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life. - -Jack. Well, you've no right whatsoever to Bunbury here. - -Algernon. That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one -chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that. - -Jack. Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens! - -Algernon. Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to -have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about Bunburying. -What on earth you are serious about I haven't got the remotest idea. -About everything, I should fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial -nature. - -Jack. Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this -wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. You -won't be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to -do, dear Algy. And a very good thing too. - -Algernon. Your brother is a little off colour, isn't he, dear Jack? You -won't be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked -custom was. And not a bad thing either. - -Jack. As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your -taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. -To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward. - -Algernon. I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a -brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax. -To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin. - -Jack. I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her. - -Algernon. Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her. - -Jack. There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew. - -Algernon. I don't think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss -Fairfax being united. - -Jack. Well, that is no business of yours. - -Algernon. If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it. [Begins to -eat muffins.] It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only -people like stock-brokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties. - -Jack. How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this -horrible trouble, I can't make out. You seem to me to be perfectly -heartless. - -Algernon. Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter -would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite -calmly. It is the only way to eat them. - -Jack. I say it's perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under -the circumstances. - -Algernon. When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles -me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as any one who knows me -intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At -the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I -am particularly fond of muffins. [Rising.] - -Jack. [Rising.] Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in -that greedy way. [Takes muffins from Algernon.] - -Algernon. [Offering tea-cake.] I wish you would have tea-cake instead. -I don't like tea-cake. - -Jack. Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own -garden. - -Algernon. But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat -muffins. - -Jack. I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. -That is a very different thing. - -Algernon. That may be. But the muffins are the same. [He seizes the -muffin-dish from Jack.] - -Jack. Algy, I wish to goodness you would go. - -Algernon. You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. -It's absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except -vegetarians and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements -with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of -Ernest. - -Jack. My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I -made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself -at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would -wish it. We can't both be christened Ernest. It's absurd. Besides, I -have a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at -all that I have ever been christened by anybody. I should think it -extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely -different in your case. You have been christened already. - -Algernon. Yes, but I have not been christened for years. - -Jack. Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing. - -Algernon. Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are -not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think -it rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very -unwell. You can hardly have forgotten that some one very closely -connected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a -severe chill. - -Jack. Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary. - -Algernon. It usen't to be, I know--but I daresay it is now. Science is -always making wonderful improvements in things. - -Jack. [Picking up the muffin-dish.] Oh, that is nonsense; you are -always talking nonsense. - -Algernon. Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish you wouldn't. -There are only two left. [Takes them.] I told you I was particularly -fond of muffins. - -Jack. But I hate tea-cake. - -Algernon. Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for -your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality! - -Jack. Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don't want you here. -Why don't you go! - -Algernon. I haven't quite finished my tea yet! and there is still one -muffin left. [Jack groans, and sinks into a chair. Algernon still -continues eating.] - -ACT DROP - - - - -THIRD ACT - - -SCENE - - -Morning-room at the Manor House. - -[Gwendolen and Cecily are at the window, looking out into the garden.] - -Gwendolen. The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, -as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some -sense of shame left. - -Cecily. They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance. - -Gwendolen. [After a pause.] They don't seem to notice us at all. -Couldn't you cough? - -Cecily. But I haven't got a cough. - -Gwendolen. They're looking at us. What effrontery! - -Cecily. They're approaching. That's very forward of them. - -Gwendolen. Let us preserve a dignified silence. - -Cecily. Certainly. It's the only thing to do now. [Enter Jack followed -by Algernon. They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British -Opera.] - -Gwendolen. This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect. - -Cecily. A most distasteful one. - -Gwendolen. But we will not be the first to speak. - -Cecily. Certainly not. - -Gwendolen. Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. -Much depends on your reply. - -Cecily. Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, -kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my -guardian's brother? - -Algernon. In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you. - -Cecily. [To Gwendolen.] That certainly seems a satisfactory -explanation, does it not? - -Gwendolen. Yes, dear, if you can believe him. - -Cecily. I don't. But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his -answer. - -Gwendolen. True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity -is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me -for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an -opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible? - -Jack. Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax? - -Gwendolen. I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to -crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. [Moving to -Cecily.] Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially -Mr. Worthing's. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it. - -Cecily. I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His voice -alone inspires one with absolute credulity. - -Gwendolen. Then you think we should forgive them? - -Cecily. Yes. I mean no. - -Gwendolen. True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that -one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task is not a -pleasant one. - -Cecily. Could we not both speak at the same time? - -Gwendolen. An excellent idea! I nearly always speak at the same time as -other people. Will you take the time from me? - -Cecily. Certainly. [Gwendolen beats time with uplifted finger.] - -Gwendolen and Cecily [Speaking together.] Your Christian names are still -an insuperable barrier. That is all! - -Jack and Algernon [Speaking together.] Our Christian names! Is that -all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon. - -Gwendolen. [To Jack.] For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible -thing? - -Jack. I am. - -Cecily. [To Algernon.] To please me you are ready to face this fearful -ordeal? - -Algernon. I am! - -Gwendolen. How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where -questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us. - -Jack. We are. [Clasps hands with Algernon.] - -Cecily. They have moments of physical courage of which we women know -absolutely nothing. - -Gwendolen. [To Jack.] Darling! - -Algernon. [To Cecily.] Darling! [They fall into each other's arms.] - -[Enter Merriman. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.] - -Merriman. Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell! - -Jack. Good heavens! - -[Enter Lady Bracknell. The couples separate in alarm. Exit Merriman.] - -Lady Bracknell. Gwendolen! What does this mean? - -Gwendolen. Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, -mamma. - -Lady Bracknell. Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation -of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness -in the old. [Turns to Jack.] Apprised, sir, of my daughter's sudden -flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a -small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy -father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a -more than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on -the Influence of a permanent income on Thought. I do not propose to -undeceive him. Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question. I -would consider it wrong. But of course, you will clearly understand that -all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately -from this moment. On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm. - -Jack. I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen, Lady Bracknell! - -Lady Bracknell. You are nothing of the kind, sir. And now, as regards -Algernon! . . . Algernon! - -Algernon. Yes, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid -friend Mr. Bunbury resides? - -Algernon. [Stammering.] Oh! No! Bunbury doesn't live here. Bunbury -is somewhere else at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead. - -Lady Bracknell. Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? His death must have -been extremely sudden. - -Algernon. [Airily.] Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean poor -Bunbury died this afternoon. - -Lady Bracknell. What did he die of? - -Algernon. Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded. - -Lady Bracknell. Exploded! Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage? -I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If -so, he is well punished for his morbidity. - -Algernon. My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out! The doctors -found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean--so Bunbury -died. - -Lady Bracknell. He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of -his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last -to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice. -And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. -Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now -holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner? - -Jack. That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward. [Lady Bracknell bows -coldly to Cecily.] - -Algernon. I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. I beg your pardon? - -Cecily. Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell. - -Lady Bracknell. [With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down.] -I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of -this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that -go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics -have laid down for our guidance. I think some preliminary inquiry on my -part would not be out of place. Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all -connected with any of the larger railway stations in London? I merely -desire information. Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any -families or persons whose origin was a Terminus. [Jack looks perfectly -furious, but restrains himself.] - -Jack. [In a clear, cold voice.] Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter of -the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, -Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B. - -Lady Bracknell. That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses always -inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. But what proof have I of their -authenticity? - -Jack. I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period. They -are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell. - -Lady Bracknell. [Grimly.] I have known strange errors in that -publication. - -Jack. Miss Cardew's family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and -Markby. - -Lady Bracknell. Markby, Markby, and Markby? A firm of the very highest -position in their profession. Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. -Markby's is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. So far I am -satisfied. - -Jack. [Very irritably.] How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell! I -have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of -Miss Cardew's birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, -confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English variety. - -Lady Bracknell. Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps -somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I am not myself in favour of -premature experiences. [Rises, looks at her watch.] Gwendolen! the time -approaches for our departure. We have not a moment to lose. As a matter -of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little -fortune? - -Jack. Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds. That -is all. Goodbye, Lady Bracknell. So pleased to have seen you. - -Lady Bracknell. [Sitting down again.] A moment, Mr. Worthing. A -hundred and thirty thousand pounds! And in the Funds! Miss Cardew seems -to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her. Few girls of -the present day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities -that last, and improve with time. We live, I regret to say, in an age of -surfaces. [To Cecily.] Come over here, dear. [Cecily goes across.] -Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as -Nature might have left it. But we can soon alter all that. A thoroughly -experienced French maid produces a really marvellous result in a very -brief space of time. I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, -and after three months her own husband did not know her. - -Jack. And after six months nobody knew her. - -Lady Bracknell. [Glares at Jack for a few moments. Then bends, with a -practised smile, to Cecily.] Kindly turn round, sweet child. [Cecily -turns completely round.] No, the side view is what I want. [Cecily -presents her profile.] Yes, quite as I expected. There are distinct -social possibilities in your profile. The two weak points in our age are -its want of principle and its want of profile. The chin a little higher, -dear. Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn. They are worn -very high, just at present. Algernon! - -Algernon. Yes, Aunt Augusta! - -Lady Bracknell. There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew's -profile. - -Algernon. Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole -world. And I don't care twopence about social possibilities. - -Lady Bracknell. Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only -people who can't get into it do that. [To Cecily.] Dear child, of -course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon. -But I do not approve of mercenary marriages. When I married Lord -Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed for a moment -of allowing that to stand in my way. Well, I suppose I must give my -consent. - -Algernon. Thank you, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. Cecily, you may kiss me! - -Cecily. [Kisses her.] Thank you, Lady Bracknell. - -Lady Bracknell. You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future. - -Cecily. Thank you, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon. - -Algernon. Thank you, Aunt Augusta. - -Cecily. Thank you, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long -engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each -other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable. - -Jack. I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this -engagement is quite out of the question. I am Miss Cardew's guardian, -and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age. That -consent I absolutely decline to give. - -Lady Bracknell. Upon what grounds may I ask? Algernon is an extremely, -I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, -but he looks everything. What more can one desire? - -Jack. It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady -Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at -all of his moral character. I suspect him of being untruthful. [Algernon -and Cecily look at him in indignant amazement.] - -Lady Bracknell. Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impossible! He is an -Oxonian. - -Jack. I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This -afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important question -of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false -pretence of being my brother. Under an assumed name he drank, I've just -been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, -Brut, '89; wine I was specially reserving for myself. Continuing his -disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in -alienating the affections of my only ward. He subsequently stayed to -tea, and devoured every single muffin. And what makes his conduct all -the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first -that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don't -intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so -myself yesterday afternoon. - -Lady Bracknell. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I have -decided entirely to overlook my nephew's conduct to you. - -Jack. That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. My own decision, -however, is unalterable. I decline to give my consent. - -Lady Bracknell. [To Cecily.] Come here, sweet child. [Cecily goes -over.] How old are you, dear? - -Cecily. Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty -when I go to evening parties. - -Lady Bracknell. You are perfectly right in making some slight -alteration. Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her -age. It looks so calculating . . . [In a meditative manner.] Eighteen, -but admitting to twenty at evening parties. Well, it will not be very -long before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage. So -I don't think your guardian's consent is, after all, a matter of any -importance. - -Jack. Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it -is only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her grandfather's -will Miss Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five. - -Lady Bracknell. That does not seem to me to be a grave objection. Thirty- -five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the -very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty- -five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own -knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of -forty, which was many years ago now. I see no reason why our dear Cecily -should not be even still more attractive at the age you mention than she -is at present. There will be a large accumulation of property. - -Cecily. Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five? - -Algernon. Of course I could, Cecily. You know I could. - -Cecily. Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn't wait all that time. -I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody. It always makes me rather -cross. I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in -others, and waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the question. - -Algernon. Then what is to be done, Cecily? - -Cecily. I don't know, Mr. Moncrieff. - -Lady Bracknell. My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively -that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five--a remark which I am bound -to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature--I would beg of -you to reconsider your decision. - -Jack. But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own -hands. The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most -gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward. - -Lady Bracknell. [Rising and drawing herself up.] You must be quite -aware that what you propose is out of the question. - -Jack. Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward -to. - -Lady Bracknell. That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen. -Algernon, of course, can choose for himself. [Pulls out her watch.] -Come, dear, [Gwendolen rises] we have already missed five, if not six, -trains. To miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform. - -[Enter Dr. Chasuble.] - -Chasuble. Everything is quite ready for the christenings. - -Lady Bracknell. The christenings, sir! Is not that somewhat premature? - -Chasuble. [Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to Jack and Algernon.] -Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism. - -Lady Bracknell. At their age? The idea is grotesque and irreligious! -Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized. I will not hear of such excesses. -Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the -way in which you wasted your time and money. - -Chasuble. Am I to understand then that there are to be no christenings -at all this afternoon? - -Jack. I don't think that, as things are now, it would be of much -practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble. - -Chasuble. I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing. -They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have -completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons. However, as your -present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the -church at once. Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-opener that -for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the -vestry. - -Lady Bracknell. [Starting.] Miss Prism! Did I hear you mention a Miss -Prism? - -Chasuble. Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way to join her. - -Lady Bracknell. Pray allow me to detain you for a moment. This matter -may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself. Is -this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with -education? - -Chasuble. [Somewhat indignantly.] She is the most cultivated of ladies, -and the very picture of respectability. - -Lady Bracknell. It is obviously the same person. May I ask what -position she holds in your household? - -Chasuble. [Severely.] I am a celibate, madam. - -Jack. [Interposing.] Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last -three years Miss Cardew's esteemed governess and valued companion. - -Lady Bracknell. In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once. -Let her be sent for. - -Chasuble. [Looking off.] She approaches; she is nigh. - -[Enter Miss Prism hurriedly.] - -Miss Prism. I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon. I -have been waiting for you there for an hour and three-quarters. [Catches -sight of Lady Bracknell, who has fixed her with a stony glare. Miss -Prism grows pale and quails. She looks anxiously round as if desirous to -escape.] - -Lady Bracknell. [In a severe, judicial voice.] Prism! [Miss Prism bows -her head in shame.] Come here, Prism! [Miss Prism approaches in a -humble manner.] Prism! Where is that baby? [General consternation. The -Canon starts back in horror. Algernon and Jack pretend to be anxious to -shield Cecily and Gwendolen from hearing the details of a terrible public -scandal.] Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell's -house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator -that contained a baby of the male sex. You never returned. A few weeks -later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, -the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a -remote corner of Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a -three-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality. [Miss -Prism starts in involuntary indignation.] But the baby was not there! -[Every one looks at Miss Prism.] Prism! Where is that baby? [A pause.] - -Miss Prism. Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know. I -only wish I did. The plain facts of the case are these. On the morning -of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I -prepared as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator. I had also -with me a somewhat old, but capacious hand-bag in which I had intended to -place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had written during my -few unoccupied hours. In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I -never can forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript in the basinette, -and placed the baby in the hand-bag. - -Jack. [Who has been listening attentively.] But where did you deposit -the hand-bag? - -Miss Prism. Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing. - -Jack. Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me. I -insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bag that contained that -infant. - -Miss Prism. I left it in the cloak-room of one of the larger railway -stations in London. - -Jack. What railway station? - -Miss Prism. [Quite crushed.] Victoria. The Brighton line. [Sinks into -a chair.] - -Jack. I must retire to my room for a moment. Gwendolen, wait here for -me. - -Gwendolen. If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my -life. [Exit Jack in great excitement.] - -Chasuble. What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell? - -Lady Bracknell. I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble. I need hardly -tell you that in families of high position strange coincidences are not -supposed to occur. They are hardly considered the thing. - -[Noises heard overhead as if some one was throwing trunks about. Every -one looks up.] - -Cecily. Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated. - -Chasuble. Your guardian has a very emotional nature. - -Lady Bracknell. This noise is extremely unpleasant. It sounds as if he -was having an argument. I dislike arguments of any kind. They are -always vulgar, and often convincing. - -Chasuble. [Looking up.] It has stopped now. [The noise is redoubled.] - -Lady Bracknell. I wish he would arrive at some conclusion. - -Gwendolen. This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. [Enter Jack -with a hand-bag of black leather in his hand.] - -Jack. [Rushing over to Miss Prism.] Is this the hand-bag, Miss Prism? -Examine it carefully before you speak. The happiness of more than one -life depends on your answer. - -Miss Prism. [Calmly.] It seems to be mine. Yes, here is the injury it -received through the upsetting of a Gower Street omnibus in younger and -happier days. Here is the stain on the lining caused by the explosion of -a temperance beverage, an incident that occurred at Leamington. And -here, on the lock, are my initials. I had forgotten that in an -extravagant mood I had had them placed there. The bag is undoubtedly -mine. I am delighted to have it so unexpectedly restored to me. It has -been a great inconvenience being without it all these years. - -Jack. [In a pathetic voice.] Miss Prism, more is restored to you than -this hand-bag. I was the baby you placed in it. - -Miss Prism. [Amazed.] You? - -Jack. [Embracing her.] Yes . . . mother! - -Miss Prism. [Recoiling in indignant astonishment.] Mr. Worthing! I am -unmarried! - -Jack. Unmarried! I do not deny that is a serious blow. But after all, -who has the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered? Cannot -repentance wipe out an act of folly? Why should there be one law for -men, and another for women? Mother, I forgive you. [Tries to embrace -her again.] - -Miss Prism. [Still more indignant.] Mr. Worthing, there is some error. -[Pointing to Lady Bracknell.] There is the lady who can tell you who you -really are. - -Jack. [After a pause.] Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but -would you kindly inform me who I am? - -Lady Bracknell. I am afraid that the news I have to give you will not -altogether please you. You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs. -Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon's elder brother. - -Jack. Algy's elder brother! Then I have a brother after all. I knew I -had a brother! I always said I had a brother! Cecily,--how could you -have ever doubted that I had a brother? [Seizes hold of Algernon.] Dr. -Chasuble, my unfortunate brother. Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother. -Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother. Algy, you young scoundrel, you will -have to treat me with more respect in the future. You have never behaved -to me like a brother in all your life. - -Algernon. Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit. I did my best, -however, though I was out of practice. - -[Shakes hands.] - -Gwendolen. [To Jack.] My own! But what own are you? What is your -Christian name, now that you have become some one else? - -Jack. Good heavens! . . . I had quite forgotten that point. Your -decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable, I suppose? - -Gwendolen. I never change, except in my affections. - -Cecily. What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen! - -Jack. Then the question had better be cleared up at once. Aunt Augusta, -a moment. At the time when Miss Prism left me in the hand-bag, had I -been christened already? - -Lady Bracknell. Every luxury that money could buy, including -christening, had been lavished on you by your fond and doting parents. - -Jack. Then I was christened! That is settled. Now, what name was I -given? Let me know the worst. - -Lady Bracknell. Being the eldest son you were naturally christened after -your father. - -Jack. [Irritably.] Yes, but what was my father's Christian name? - -Lady Bracknell. [Meditatively.] I cannot at the present moment recall -what the General's Christian name was. But I have no doubt he had one. -He was eccentric, I admit. But only in later years. And that was the -result of the Indian climate, and marriage, and indigestion, and other -things of that kind. - -Jack. Algy! Can't you recollect what our father's Christian name was? - -Algernon. My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms. He died -before I was a year old. - -Jack. His name would appear in the Army Lists of the period, I suppose, -Aunt Augusta? - -Lady Bracknell. The General was essentially a man of peace, except in -his domestic life. But I have no doubt his name would appear in any -military directory. - -Jack. The Army Lists of the last forty years are here. These delightful -records should have been my constant study. [Rushes to bookcase and -tears the books out.] M. Generals . . . Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what -ghastly names they have--Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncrieff! Lieutenant -1840, Captain, Lieutenant-Colonel, Colonel, General 1869, Christian -names, Ernest John. [Puts book very quietly down and speaks quite -calmly.] I always told you, Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn't I? -Well, it is Ernest after all. I mean it naturally is Ernest. - -Lady Bracknell. Yes, I remember now that the General was called Ernest, -I knew I had some particular reason for disliking the name. - -Gwendolen. Ernest! My own Ernest! I felt from the first that you could -have no other name! - -Jack. Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly -that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. Can you -forgive me? - -Gwendolen. I can. For I feel that you are sure to change. - -Jack. My own one! - -Chasuble. [To Miss Prism.] Laetitia! [Embraces her] - -Miss Prism. [Enthusiastically.] Frederick! At last! - -Algernon. Cecily! [Embraces her.] At last! - -Jack. Gwendolen! [Embraces her.] At last! - -Lady Bracknell. My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of -triviality. - -Jack. On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I've now realised for the first -time in my life the vital Importance of Being Earnest. - -TABLEAU - - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST*** - - -******* This file should be named 844.txt or 844.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/8/4/844 - - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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Do not change or edit the -header without written permission. - -Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the -eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is -important information about your specific rights and restrictions in -how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a -donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. - - -**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** - -**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** - -*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** - - -Title: The Importance of Being Earnest - -Author: Oscar Wilde - -Release Date: March, 1997 [EBook #844] -[This file was first posted on March 8, 1997] -[Most recently updated: June 2, 2004] - -Edition: 10 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: US-ASCII - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST *** - - - - - -Transcribed by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk - - - - - -The Importance of Being Earnest -A Trivial Comedy for Serious People - - - - -THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY - - -John Worthing, J.P. -Algernon Moncrieff -Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D. -Merriman, Butler -Lane, Manservant -Lady Bracknell -Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax -Cecily Cardew -Miss Prism, Governess - - - - -THE SCENES OF THE PLAY - - -ACT I. Algernon Moncrieff's Flat in Half-Moon Street, W. - -ACT II. The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton. - -ACT III. Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton. - -TIME: The Present. - - - - -LONDON: ST. JAMES'S THEATRE - - -Lessee and Manager: Mr. George Alexander - -February 14th, 1895 - -* * * * * - -John Worthing, J.P.: Mr. George Alexander. -Algernon Moncrieff: Mr. Allen Aynesworth. -Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.: Mr. H. H. Vincent. -Merriman: Mr. Frank Dyall. -Lane: Mr. F. Kinsey Peile. -Lady Bracknell: Miss Rose Leclercq. -Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax: Miss Irene Vanbrugh. -Cecily Cardew: Miss Evelyn Millard. -Miss Prism: Mrs. George Canninge. - - - - -FIRST ACT - - -SCENE - -Morning-room in Algernon's flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is -luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is -heard in the adjoining room. - -[Lane is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music -has ceased, Algernon enters.] - -Algernon. Did you hear what I was playing, Lane? - -Lane. I didn't think it polite to listen, sir. - -Algernon. I'm sorry for that, for your sake. I don't play -accurately--any one can play accurately--but I play with wonderful -expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my -forte. I keep science for Life. - -Lane. Yes, sir. - -Algernon. And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the -cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell? - -Lane. Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.] - -Algernon. [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.] -Oh! . . . by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday -night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, -eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed. - -Lane. Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint. - -Algernon. Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants -invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information. - -Lane. I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I -have often observed that in married households the champagne is -rarely of a first-rate brand. - -Algernon. Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising as that? - -Lane. I believe it _is_ a very pleasant state, sir. I have had -very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only -been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding -between myself and a young person. - -Algernon. [Languidly.] I don't know that I am much interested in -your family life, Lane. - -Lane. No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think -of it myself. - -Algernon. Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you. - -Lane. Thank you, sir. [Lane goes out.] - -Algernon. Lanes views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if -the lower orders don't set us a good example, what on earth is the -use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of -moral responsibility. - -[Enter Lane.] - -Lane. Mr. Ernest Worthing. - -[Enter Jack.] - -[Lane goes out.] - -Algernon. How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town? - -Jack. Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? -Eating as usual, I see, Algy! - -Algernon. [Stiffly.] I believe it is customary in good society to -take some slight refreshment at five o'clock. Where have you been -since last Thursday? - -Jack. [Sitting down on the sofa.] In the country. - -Algernon. What on earth do you do there? - -Jack. [Pulling off his gloves.] When one is in town one amuses -oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is -excessively boring. - -Algernon. And who are the people you amuse? - -Jack. [Airily.] Oh, neighbours, neighbours. - -Algernon. Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire? - -Jack. Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them. - -Algernon. How immensely you must amuse them! [Goes over and takes -sandwich.] By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not? - -Jack. Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these -cups? Why cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in -one so young? Who is coming to tea? - -Algernon. Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen. - -Jack. How perfectly delightful! - -Algernon. Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta -won't quite approve of your being here. - -Jack. May I ask why? - -Algernon. My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is -perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen -flirts with you. - -Jack. I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town -expressly to propose to her. - -Algernon. I thought you had come up for pleasure? . . . I call that -business. - -Jack. How utterly unromantic you are! - -Algernon. I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is -very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a -definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I -believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of -romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try -to forget the fact. - -Jack. I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was -specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously -constituted. - -Algernon. Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. -Divorces are made in Heaven--[Jack puts out his hand to take a -sandwich. Algernon at once interferes.] Please don't touch the -cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta. -[Takes one and eats it.] - -Jack. Well, you have been eating them all the time. - -Algernon. That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt. -[Takes plate from below.] Have some bread and butter. The bread -and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and -butter. - -Jack. [Advancing to table and helping himself.] And very good -bread and butter it is too. - -Algernon. Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were -going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her -already. You are not married to her already, and I don't think you -ever will be. - -Jack. Why on earth do you say that? - -Algernon. Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they -flirt with. Girls don't think it right. - -Jack. Oh, that is nonsense! - -Algernon. It isn't. It is a great truth. It accounts for the -extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place. -In the second place, I don't give my consent. - -Jack. Your consent! - -Algernon. My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before -I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole -question of Cecily. [Rings bell.] - -Jack. Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy, -by Cecily! I don't know any one of the name of Cecily. - -[Enter Lane.] - -Algernon. Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the -smoking-room the last time he dined here. - -Lane. Yes, sir. [Lane goes out.] - -Jack. Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this -time? I wish to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing -frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly -offering a large reward. - -Algernon. Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more -than usually hard up. - -Jack. There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing -is found. - -[Enter Lane with the cigarette case on a salver. Algernon takes it -at once. Lane goes out.] - -Algernon. I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. -[Opens case and examines it.] However, it makes no matter, for, now -that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn't -yours after all. - -Jack. Of course it's mine. [Moving to him.] You have seen me with -it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is -written inside. It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private -cigarette case. - -Algernon. Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what -one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern -culture depends on what one shouldn't read. - -Jack. I am quite aware of the fact, and I don't propose to discuss -modern culture. It isn't the sort of thing one should talk of in -private. I simply want my cigarette case back. - -Algernon. Yes; but this isn't your cigarette case. This cigarette -case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said -you didn't know any one of that name. - -Jack. Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt. - -Algernon. Your aunt! - -Jack. Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge -Wells. Just give it back to me, Algy. - -Algernon. [Retreating to back of sofa.] But why does she call -herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge -Wells? [Reading.] 'From little Cecily with her fondest love.' - -Jack. [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.] My dear fellow, what -on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not -tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide -for herself. You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly -like your aunt! That is absurd! For Heaven's sake give me back my -cigarette case. [Follows Algernon round the room.] - -Algernon. Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle? 'From -little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.' There -is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an -aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her -uncle, I can't quite make out. Besides, your name isn't Jack at -all; it is Ernest. - -Jack. It isn't Ernest; it's Jack. - -Algernon. You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced -you to every one as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You -look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest-looking -person I ever saw in my life. It is perfectly absurd your saying -that your name isn't Ernest. It's on your cards. Here is one of -them. [Taking it from case.] 'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The -Albany.' I'll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever -you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else. -[Puts the card in his pocket.] - -Jack. Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and -the cigarette case was given to me in the country. - -Algernon. Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your -small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear -uncle. Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at -once. - -Jack. My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. It -is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It -produces a false impression, - -Algernon. Well, that is exactly what dentists always do. Now, go -on! Tell me the whole thing. I may mention that I have always -suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; and I am -quite sure of it now. - -Jack. Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist? - -Algernon. I'll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable -expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are -Ernest in town and Jack in the country. - -Jack. Well, produce my cigarette case first. - -Algernon. Here it is. [Hands cigarette case.] Now produce your -explanation, and pray make it improbable. [Sits on sofa.] - -Jack. My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my -explanation at all. In fact it's perfectly ordinary. Old Mr. -Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in -his will guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew. -Cecily, who addresses me as her uncle from motives of respect that -you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place in the country -under the charge of her admirable governess, Miss Prism. - -Algernon. Where is that place in the country, by the way? - -Jack. That is nothing to you, dear boy. You are not going to be -invited . . . I may tell you candidly that the place is not in -Shropshire. - -Algernon. I suspected that, my dear fellow! I have Bunburyed all -over Shropshire on two separate occasions. Now, go on. Why are you -Ernest in town and Jack in the country? - -Jack. My dear Algy, I don't know whether you will be able to -understand my real motives. You are hardly serious enough. When -one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to adopt a very -high moral tone on all subjects. It's one's duty to do so. And as -a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce very much to either -one's health or one's happiness, in order to get up to town I have -always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest, -who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes. -That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple. - -Algernon. The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life -would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a -complete impossibility! - -Jack. That wouldn't be at all a bad thing. - -Algernon. Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. -Don't try it. You should leave that to people who haven't been at a -University. They do it so well in the daily papers. What you -really are is a Bunburyist. I was quite right in saying you were a -Bunburyist. You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know. - -Jack. What on earth do you mean? - -Algernon. You have invented a very useful younger brother called -Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as -you like. I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called -Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the country -whenever I choose. Bunbury is perfectly invaluable. If it wasn't -for Bunbury's extraordinary bad health, for instance, I wouldn't be -able to dine with you at Willis's to-night, for I have been really -engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week. - -Jack. I haven't asked you to dine with me anywhere to-night. - -Algernon. I know. You are absurdly careless about sending out -invitations. It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so -much as not receiving invitations. - -Jack. You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta. - -Algernon. I haven't the smallest intention of doing anything of the -kind. To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is -quite enough to dine with one's own relations. In the second place, -whenever I do dine there I am always treated as a member of the -family, and sent down with either no woman at all, or two. In the -third place, I know perfectly well whom she will place me next to, -to-night. She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who always flirts -with her own husband across the dinner-table. That is not very -pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of -thing is enormously on the increase. The amount of women in London -who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks -so bad. It is simply washing one's clean linen in public. Besides, -now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to -talk to you about Bunburying. I want to tell you the rules. - -Jack. I'm not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am -going to kill my brother, indeed I think I'll kill him in any case. -Cecily is a little too much interested in him. It is rather a bore. -So I am going to get rid of Ernest. And I strongly advise you to do -the same with Mr . . . with your invalid friend who has the absurd -name. - -Algernon. Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you -ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will -be very glad to know Bunbury. A man who marries without knowing -Bunbury has a very tedious time of it. - -Jack. That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, -and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I -certainly won't want to know Bunbury. - -Algernon. Then your wife will. You don't seem to realise, that in -married life three is company and two is none. - -Jack. [Sententiously.] That, my dear young friend, is the theory -that the corrupt French Drama has been propounding for the last -fifty years. - -Algernon. Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half -the time. - -Jack. For heaven's sake, don't try to be cynical. It's perfectly -easy to be cynical. - -Algernon. My dear fellow, it isn't easy to be anything nowadays. -There's such a lot of beastly competition about. [The sound of an -electric bell is heard.] Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only -relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian manner. Now, -if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have an -opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night -at Willis's? - -Jack. I suppose so, if you want to. - -Algernon. Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who -are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them. - -[Enter Lane.] - -Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax. - -[Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady Bracknell and -Gwendolen.] - -Lady Bracknell. Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are -behaving very well. - -Algernon. I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. That's not quite the same thing. In fact the two -things rarely go together. [Sees Jack and bows to him with icy -coldness.] - -Algernon. [To Gwendolen.] Dear me, you are smart! - -Gwendolen. I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. Worthing? - -Jack. You're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax. - -Gwendolen. Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for -developments, and I intend to develop in many directions. -[Gwendolen and Jack sit down together in the corner.] - -Lady Bracknell. I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I -was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since -her poor husband's death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks -quite twenty years younger. And now I'll have a cup of tea, and one -of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me. - -Algernon. Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over to tea-table.] - -Lady Bracknell. Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen? - -Gwendolen. Thanks, mamma, I'm quite comfortable where I am. - -Algernon. [Picking up empty plate in horror.] Good heavens! Lane! -Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially. - -Lane. [Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the market this -morning, sir. I went down twice. - -Algernon. No cucumbers! - -Lane. No, sir. Not even for ready money. - -Algernon. That will do, Lane, thank you. - -Lane. Thank you, sir. [Goes out.] - -Algernon. I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being -no cucumbers, not even for ready money. - -Lady Bracknell. It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some -crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely -for pleasure now. - -Algernon. I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief. - -Lady Bracknell. It certainly has changed its colour. From what -cause I, of course, cannot say. [Algernon crosses and hands tea.] -Thank you. I've quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon. I am -going to send you down with Mary Farquhar. She is such a nice -woman, and so attentive to her husband. It's delightful to watch -them. - -Algernon. I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the -pleasure of dining with you to-night after all. - -Lady Bracknell. [Frowning.] I hope not, Algernon. It would put my -table completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. -Fortunately he is accustomed to that. - -Algernon. It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible -disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to -say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again. [Exchanges -glances with Jack.] They seem to think I should be with him. - -Lady Bracknell. It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to -suffer from curiously bad health. - -Algernon. Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid. - -Lady Bracknell. Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high -time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live -or to die. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor -do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I -consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be -encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty of life. I am -always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take -much notice . . . as far as any improvement in his ailment goes. I -should be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be -kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to -arrange my music for me. It is my last reception, and one wants -something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end -of the season when every one has practically said whatever they had -to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much. - -Algernon. I'll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still -conscious, and I think I can promise you he'll be all right by -Saturday. Of course the music is a great difficulty. You see, if -one plays good music, people don't listen, and if one plays bad -music people don't talk. But I'll run over the programme I've drawn -out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment. - -Lady Bracknell. Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you. -[Rising, and following Algernon.] I'm sure the programme will be -delightful, after a few expurgations. French songs I cannot -possibly allow. People always seem to think that they are improper, -and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse. -But German sounds a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed, I -believe is so. Gwendolen, you will accompany me. - -Gwendolen. Certainly, mamma. - -[Lady Bracknell and Algernon go into the music-room, Gwendolen -remains behind.] - -Jack. Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax. - -Gwendolen. Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. -Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite -certain that they mean something else. And that makes me so -nervous. - -Jack. I do mean something else. - -Gwendolen. I thought so. In fact, I am never wrong. - -Jack. And I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady -Bracknell's temporary absence . . . - -Gwendolen. I would certainly advise you to do so. Mamma has a way -of coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak -to her about. - -Jack. [Nervously.] Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have -admired you more than any girl . . . I have ever met since . . . I -met you. - -Gwendolen. Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact. And I often -wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative. -For me you have always had an irresistible fascination. Even before -I met you I was far from indifferent to you. [Jack looks at her in -amazement.] We live, as I hope you know, Mr Worthing, in an age of -ideals. The fact is constantly mentioned in the more expensive -monthly magazines, and has reached the provincial pulpits, I am -told; and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name of -Ernest. There is something in that name that inspires absolute -confidence. The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a -friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you. - -Jack. You really love me, Gwendolen? - -Gwendolen. Passionately! - -Jack. Darling! You don't know how happy you've made me. - -Gwendolen. My own Ernest! - -Jack. But you don't really mean to say that you couldn't love me if -my name wasn't Ernest? - -Gwendolen. But your name is Ernest. - -Jack. Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do -you mean to say you couldn't love me then? - -Gwendolen. [Glibly.] Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical -speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little -reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them. - -Jack. Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don't much -care about the name of Ernest . . . I don't think the name suits me -at all. - -Gwendolen. It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a -music of its own. It produces vibrations. - -Jack. Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are -lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a -charming name. - -Gwendolen. Jack? . . . No, there is very little music in the name -Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces -absolutely no vibrations . . . I have known several Jacks, and they -all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack -is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity any woman who is -married to a man called John. She would probably never be allowed -to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment's solitude. The -only really safe name is Ernest - -Jack. Gwendolen, I must get christened at once--I mean we must get -married at once. There is no time to be lost. - -Gwendolen. Married, Mr. Worthing? - -Jack. [Astounded.] Well . . . surely. You know that I love you, -and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not -absolutely indifferent to me. - -Gwendolen. I adore you. But you haven't proposed to me yet. -Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subject has not -even been touched on. - -Jack. Well . . . may I propose to you now? - -Gwendolen. I think it would be an admirable opportunity. And to -spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only -fair to tell you quite frankly before-hand that I am fully -determined to accept you. - -Jack. Gwendolen! - -Gwendolen. Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me? - -Jack. You know what I have got to say to you. - -Gwendolen. Yes, but you don't say it. - -Jack. Gwendolen, will you marry me? [Goes on his knees.] - -Gwendolen. Of course I will, darling. How long you have been about -it! I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to -propose. - -Jack. My own one, I have never loved any one in the world but you. - -Gwendolen. Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my -brother Gerald does. All my girl-friends tell me so. What -wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest! They are quite, quite, -blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially -when there are other people present. [Enter Lady Bracknell.] - -Lady Bracknell. Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent -posture. It is most indecorous. - -Gwendolen. Mamma! [He tries to rise; she restrains him.] I must -beg you to retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing -has not quite finished yet. - -Lady Bracknell. Finished what, may I ask? - -Gwendolen. I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma. [They rise -together.] - -Lady Bracknell. Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one. When -you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his -health permit him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement -should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, -as the case may be. It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed -to arrange for herself . . . And now I have a few questions to put -to you, Mr. Worthing. While I am making these inquiries, you, -Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage. - -Gwendolen. [Reproachfully.] Mamma! - -Lady Bracknell. In the carriage, Gwendolen! [Gwendolen goes to the -door. She and Jack blow kisses to each other behind Lady -Bracknell's back. Lady Bracknell looks vaguely about as if she -could not understand what the noise was. Finally turns round.] -Gwendolen, the carriage! - -Gwendolen. Yes, mamma. [Goes out, looking back at Jack.] - -Lady Bracknell. [Sitting down.] You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing. - -[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.] - -Jack. Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing. - -Lady Bracknell. [Pencil and note-book in hand.] I feel bound to -tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, -although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We -work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready to enter your -name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother -requires. Do you smoke? - -Jack. Well, yes, I must admit I smoke. - -Lady Bracknell. I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an -occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London -as it is. How old are you? - -Jack. Twenty-nine. - -Lady Bracknell. A very good age to be married at. I have always -been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know -either everything or nothing. Which do you know? - -Jack. [After some hesitation.] I know nothing, Lady Bracknell. - -Lady Bracknell. I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of -anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a -delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole -theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in -England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If -it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and -probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square. What is your -income? - -Jack. Between seven and eight thousand a year. - -Lady Bracknell. [Makes a note in her book.] In land, or in -investments? - -Jack. In investments, chiefly. - -Lady Bracknell. That is satisfactory. What between the duties -expected of one during one's lifetime, and the duties exacted from -one after one's death, land has ceased to be either a profit or a -pleasure. It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it -up. That's all that can be said about land. - -Jack. I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to -it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don't depend on -that for my real income. In fact, as far as I can make out, the -poachers are the only people who make anything out of it. - -Lady Bracknell. A country house! How many bedrooms? Well, that -point can be cleared up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? -A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly -be expected to reside in the country. - -Jack. Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the -year to Lady Bloxham. Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, -at six months' notice. - -Lady Bracknell. Lady Bloxham? I don't know her. - -Jack. Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady considerably -advanced in years. - -Lady Bracknell. Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability -of character. What number in Belgrave Square? - -Jack. 149. - -Lady Bracknell. [Shaking her head.] The unfashionable side. I -thought there was something. However, that could easily be altered. - -Jack. Do you mean the fashion, or the side? - -Lady Bracknell. [Sternly.] Both, if necessary, I presume. What -are your polities? - -Jack. Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a Liberal -Unionist. - -Lady Bracknell. Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or -come in the evening, at any rate. Now to minor matters. Are your -parents living? - -Jack. I have lost both my parents. - -Lady Bracknell. To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded -as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Who was your -father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was he born in what -the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from -the ranks of the aristocracy? - -Jack. I am afraid I really don't know. The fact is, Lady -Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents. It would be nearer the -truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me . . . I don't -actually know who I am by birth. I was . . . well, I was found. - -Lady Bracknell. Found! - -Jack. The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very -charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of -Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for -Worthing in his pocket at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. -It is a seaside resort. - -Lady Bracknell. Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first- -class ticket for this seaside resort find you? - -Jack. [Gravely.] In a hand-bag. - -Lady Bracknell. A hand-bag? - -Jack. [Very seriously.] Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a hand-bag-- -a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handles to it--an -ordinary hand-bag in fact. - -Lady Bracknell. In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, -Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag? - -Jack. In the cloak-room at Victoria Station. It was given to him -in mistake for his own. - -Lady Bracknell. The cloak-room at Victoria Station? - -Jack. Yes. The Brighton line. - -Lady Bracknell. The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I -feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, -or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, -seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of -family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French -Revolution. And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement -led to? As for the particular locality in which the hand-bag was -found, a cloak-room at a railway station might serve to conceal a -social indiscretion--has probably, indeed, been used for that -purpose before now-but it could hardly be regarded as an assured -basis for a recognised position in good society. - -Jack. May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? I need -hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen's -happiness. - -Lady Bracknell. I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try -and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a -definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, -before the season is quite over. - -Jack. Well, I don't see how I could possibly manage to do that. I -can produce the hand-bag at any moment. It is in my dressing-room -at home. I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell. - -Lady Bracknell. Me, sir! What has it to do with me? You can -hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our -only daughter--a girl brought up with the utmost care--to marry into -a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel? Good morning, Mr. -Worthing! - -[Lady Bracknell sweeps out in majestic indignation.] - -Jack. Good morning! [Algernon, from the other room, strikes up the -Wedding March. Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door.] -For goodness' sake don't play that ghastly tune, Algy. How idiotic -you are! - -[The music stops and Algernon enters cheerily.] - -Algernon. Didn't it go off all right, old boy? You don't mean to -say Gwendolen refused you? I know it is a way she has. She is -always refusing people. I think it is most ill-natured of her. - -Jack. Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet. As far as she is -concerned, we are engaged. Her mother is perfectly unbearable. -Never met such a Gorgon . . . I don't really know what a Gorgon is -like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one. In any case, -she is a monster, without being a myth, which is rather unfair . . . -I beg your pardon, Algy, I suppose I shouldn't talk about your own -aunt in that way before you. - -Algernon. My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. It is -the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are -simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest -knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to -die. - -Jack. Oh, that is nonsense! - -Algernon. It isn't! - -Jack. Well, I won't argue about the matter. You always want to -argue about things. - -Algernon. That is exactly what things were originally made for. - -Jack. Upon my word, if I thought that, I'd shoot myself . . . [A -pause.] You don't think there is any chance of Gwendolen becoming -like her mother in about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algy? - -Algernon. All women become like their mothers. That is their -tragedy. No man does. That's his. - -Jack. Is that clever? - -Algernon. It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true as any -observation in civilised life should be. - -Jack. I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever -nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The -thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we -had a few fools left. - -Algernon. We have. - -Jack. I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk -about? - -Algernon. The fools? Oh! about the clever people, of course. - -Jack. What fools! - -Algernon. By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your -being Ernest in town, and Jack in the country? - -Jack. [In a very patronising manner.] My dear fellow, the truth -isn't quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined -girl. What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to -a woman! - -Algernon. The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, -if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain. - -Jack. Oh, that is nonsense. - -Algernon. What about your brother? What about the profligate -Ernest? - -Jack. Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid of him. -I'll say he died in Paris of apoplexy. Lots of people die of -apoplexy, quite suddenly, don't they? - -Algernon. Yes, but it's hereditary, my dear fellow. It's a sort of -thing that runs in families. You had much better say a severe -chill. - -Jack. You are sure a severe chill isn't hereditary, or anything of -that kind? - -Algernon. Of course it isn't! - -Jack. Very well, then. My poor brother Ernest to carried off -suddenly, in Paris, by a severe chill. That gets rid of him. - -Algernon. But I thought you said that . . . Miss Cardew was a -little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest? Won't she -feel his loss a good deal? - -Jack. Oh, that is all right. Cecily is not a silly romantic girl, -I am glad to say. She has got a capital appetite, goes long walks, -and pays no attention at all to her lessons. - -Algernon. I would rather like to see Cecily. - -Jack. I will take very good care you never do. She is excessively -pretty, and she is only just eighteen. - -Algernon. Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively -pretty ward who is only just eighteen? - -Jack. Oh! one doesn't blurt these things out to people. Cecily and -Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends. I'll -bet you anything you like that half an hour after they have met, -they will be calling each other sister. - -Algernon. Women only do that when they have called each other a lot -of other things first. Now, my dear boy, if we want to get a good -table at Willis's, we really must go and dress. Do you know it is -nearly seven? - -Jack. [Irritably.] Oh! It always is nearly seven. - -Algernon. Well, I'm hungry. - -Jack. I never knew you when you weren't . . . - -Algernon. What shall we do after dinner? Go to a theatre? - -Jack. Oh no! I loathe listening. - -Algernon. Well, let us go to the Club? - -Jack. Oh, no! I hate talking. - -Algernon. Well, we might trot round to the Empire at ten? - -Jack. Oh, no! I can't bear looking at things. It is so silly. - -Algernon. Well, what shall we do? - -Jack. Nothing! - -Algernon. It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don't -mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. - -[Enter Lane.] - -Lane. Miss Fairfax. - -[Enter Gwendolen. Lane goes out.] - -Algernon. Gwendolen, upon my word! - -Gwendolen. Algy, kindly turn your back. I have something very -particular to say to Mr. Worthing. - -Algernon. Really, Gwendolen, I don't think I can allow this at all. - -Gwendolen. Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude -towards life. You are not quite old enough to do that. [Algernon -retires to the fireplace.] - -Jack. My own darling! - -Gwendolen. Ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on -mamma's face I fear we never shall. Few parents nowadays pay any -regard to what their children say to them. The old-fashioned -respect for the young is fast dying out. Whatever influence I ever -had over mamma, I lost at the age of three. But although she may -prevent us from becoming man and wife, and I may marry some one -else, and marry often, nothing that she can possibly do can alter my -eternal devotion to you. - -Jack. Dear Gwendolen! - -Gwendolen. The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by -mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper -fibres of my nature. Your Christian name has an irresistible -fascination. The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely -incomprehensible to me. Your town address at the Albany I have. -What is your address in the country? - -Jack. The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire. - -[Algernon, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, and -writes the address on his shirt-cuff. Then picks up the Railway -Guide.] - -Gwendolen. There is a good postal service, I suppose? It may be -necessary to do something desperate. That of course will require -serious consideration. I will communicate with you daily. - -Jack. My own one! - -Gwendolen. How long do you remain in town? - -Jack. Till Monday. - -Gwendolen. Good! Algy, you may turn round now. - -Algernon. Thanks, I've turned round already. - -Gwendolen. You may also ring the bell. - -Jack. You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling? - -Gwendolen. Certainly. - -Jack. [To Lane, who now enters.] I will see Miss Fairfax out. - -Lane. Yes, sir. [Jack and Gwendolen go off.] - -[Lane presents several letters on a salver to Algernon. It is to be -surmised that they are bills, as Algernon, after looking at the -envelopes, tears them up.] - -Algernon. A glass of sherry, Lane. - -Lane. Yes, sir. - -Algernon. To-morrow, Lane, I'm going Bunburying. - -Lane. Yes, sir. - -Algernon. I shall probably not be back till Monday. You can put up -my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits . . . - -Lane. Yes, sir. [Handing sherry.] - -Algernon. I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane. - -Lane. It never is, sir. - -Algernon. Lane, you're a perfect pessimist. - -Lane. I do my best to give satisfaction, sir. - -[Enter Jack. Lane goes off.] - -Jack. There's a sensible, intellectual girl! the only girl I ever -cared for in my life. [Algernon is laughing immoderately.] What on -earth are you so amused at? - -Algernon. Oh, I'm a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all. - -Jack. If you don't take care, your friend Bunbury will get you into -a serious scrape some day. - -Algernon. I love scrapes. They are the only things that are never -serious. - -Jack. Oh, that's nonsense, Algy. You never talk anything but -nonsense. - -Algernon. Nobody ever does. - -[Jack looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room. Algernon -lights a cigarette, reads his shirt-cuff, and smiles.] - -ACT DROP - - - - -SECOND ACT - - -SCENE - -Garden at the Manor House. A flight of grey stone steps leads up to -the house. The garden, an old-fashioned one, full of roses. Time -of year, July. Basket chairs, and a table covered with books, are -set under a large yew-tree. - -[Miss Prism discovered seated at the table. Cecily is at the back -watering flowers.] - -Miss Prism. [Calling.] Cecily, Cecily! Surely such a utilitarian -occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Moulton's duty than -yours? Especially at a moment when intellectual pleasures await -you. Your German grammar is on the table. Pray open it at page -fifteen. We will repeat yesterday's lesson. - -Cecily. [Coming over very slowly.] But I don't like German. It -isn't at all a becoming language. I know perfectly well that I look -quite plain after my German lesson. - -Miss Prism. Child, you know how anxious your guardian is that you -should improve yourself in every way. He laid particular stress on -your German, as he was leaving for town yesterday. Indeed, he -always lays stress on your German when he is leaving for town. - -Cecily. Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious! Sometimes he is so -serious that I think he cannot be quite well. - -Miss Prism. [Drawing herself up.] Your guardian enjoys the best of -health, and his gravity of demeanour is especially to be commended -in one so comparatively young as he is. I know no one who has a -higher sense of duty and responsibility. - -Cecily. I suppose that is why he often looks a little bored when we -three are together. - -Miss Prism. Cecily! I am surprised at you. Mr. Worthing has many -troubles in his life. Idle merriment and triviality would be out of -place in his conversation. You must remember his constant anxiety -about that unfortunate young man his brother. - -Cecily. I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man, -his brother, to come down here sometimes. We might have a good -influence over him, Miss Prism. I am sure you certainly would. You -know German, and geology, and things of that kind influence a man -very much. [Cecily begins to write in her diary.] - -Miss Prism. [Shaking her head.] I do not think that even I could -produce any effect on a character that according to his own -brother's admission is irretrievably weak and vacillating. Indeed I -am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him. I am not in favour -of this modern mania for turning bad people into good people at a -moment's notice. As a man sows so let him reap. You must put away -your diary, Cecily. I really don't see why you should keep a diary -at all. - -Cecily. I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of -my life. If I didn't write them down, I should probably forget all -about them. - -Miss Prism. Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that we all carry -about with us. - -Cecily. Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never -happened, and couldn't possibly have happened. I believe that -Memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume novels that -Mudie sends us. - -Miss Prism. Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, -Cecily. I wrote one myself in earlier days. - -Cecily. Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully clever you -are! I hope it did not end happily? I don't like novels that end -happily. They depress me so much. - -Miss Prism. The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is -what Fiction means. - -Cecily. I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. And was your -novel ever published? - -Miss Prism. Alas! no. The manuscript unfortunately was abandoned. -[Cecily starts.] I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid. -To your work, child, these speculations are profitless. - -Cecily. [Smiling.] But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through -the garden. - -Miss Prism. [Rising and advancing.] Dr. Chasuble! This is indeed -a pleasure. - -[Enter Canon Chasuble.] - -Chasuble. And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, you are, I -trust, well? - -Cecily. Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. -I think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you -in the Park, Dr. Chasuble. - -Miss Prism. Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache. - -Cecily. No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively -that you had a headache. Indeed I was thinking about that, and not -about my German lesson, when the Rector came in. - -Chasuble. I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive. - -Cecily. Oh, I am afraid I am. - -Chasuble. That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss -Prism's pupil, I would hang upon her lips. [Miss Prism glares.] I -spoke metaphorically.--My metaphor was drawn from bees. Ahem! Mr. -Worthing, I suppose, has not returned from town yet? - -Miss Prism. We do not expect him till Monday afternoon. - -Chasuble. Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London. -He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all -accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to be. But I -must not disturb Egeria and her pupil any longer. - -Miss Prism. Egeria? My name is Laetitia, Doctor. - -Chasuble. [Bowing.] A classical allusion merely, drawn from the -Pagan authors. I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong? - -Miss Prism. I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you. I -find I have a headache after all, and a walk might do it good. - -Chasuble. With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. We might go as -far as the schools and back. - -Miss Prism. That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your -Political Economy in my absence. The chapter on the Fall of the -Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. Even these -metallic problems have their melodramatic side. - -[Goes down the garden with Dr. Chasuble.] - -Cecily. [Picks up books and throws them back on table.] Horrid -Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid German! - -[Enter Merriman with a card on a salver.] - -Merriman. Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the -station. He has brought his luggage with him. - -Cecily. [Takes the card and reads it.] 'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, -The Albany, W.' Uncle Jack's brother! Did you tell him Mr. -Worthing was in town? - -Merriman. Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I -mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he -was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment. - -Cecily. Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had -better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him. - -Merriman. Yes, Miss. - -[Merriman goes off.] - -Cecily. I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel -rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like every one -else. - -[Enter Algernon, very gay and debonnair.] He does! - -Algernon. [Raising his hat.] You are my little cousin Cecily, I'm -sure. - -Cecily. You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. In -fact, I believe I am more than usually tall for my age. [Algernon -is rather taken aback.] But I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see -from your card, are Uncle Jack's brother, my cousin Ernest, my -wicked cousin Ernest. - -Algernon. Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. You -mustn't think that I am wicked. - -Cecily. If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us -all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading -a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the -time. That would be hypocrisy. - -Algernon. [Looks at her in amazement.] Oh! Of course I have been -rather reckless. - -Cecily. I am glad to hear it. - -Algernon. In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very -bad in my own small way. - -Cecily. I don't think you should be so proud of that, though I am -sure it must have been very pleasant. - -Algernon. It is much pleasanter being here with you. - -Cecily. I can't understand how you are here at all. Uncle Jack -won't be back till Monday afternoon. - -Algernon. That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go up by -the first train on Monday morning. I have a business appointment -that I am anxious . . . to miss? - -Cecily. Couldn't you miss it anywhere but in London? - -Algernon. No: the appointment is in London. - -Cecily. Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a -business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty -of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack -arrives. I know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating. - -Algernon. About my what? - -Cecily. Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy your outfit. - -Algernon. I certainly wouldn't let Jack buy my outfit. He has no -taste in neckties at all. - -Cecily. I don't think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack is -sending you to Australia. - -Algernon. Australia! I'd sooner die. - -Cecily. Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that you would -have to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia. - -Algernon. Oh, well! The accounts I have received of Australia and -the next world, are not particularly encouraging. This world is -good enough for me, cousin Cecily. - -Cecily. Yes, but are you good enough for it? - -Algernon. I'm afraid I'm not that. That is why I want you to -reform me. You might make that your mission, if you don't mind, -cousin Cecily. - -Cecily. I'm afraid I've no time, this afternoon. - -Algernon. Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon? - -Cecily. It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think you should try. - -Algernon. I will. I feel better already. - -Cecily. You are looking a little worse. - -Algernon. That is because I am hungry. - -Cecily. How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered that when -one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and -wholesome meals. Won't you come in? - -Algernon. Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole first? I never -have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first. - -Cecily. A Marechal Niel? [Picks up scissors.] - -Algernon. No, I'd sooner have a pink rose. - -Cecily. Why? [Cuts a flower.] - -Algernon. Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily. - -Cecily. I don't think it can be right for you to talk to me like -that. Miss Prism never says such things to me. - -Algernon. Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady. [Cecily -puts the rose in his buttonhole.] You are the prettiest girl I ever -saw. - -Cecily. Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare. - -Algernon. They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be -caught in. - -Cecily. Oh, I don't think I would care to catch a sensible man. I -shouldn't know what to talk to him about. - -[They pass into the house. Miss Prism and Dr. Chasuble return.] - -Miss Prism. You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. You should -get married. A misanthrope I can understand--a womanthrope, never! - -Chasuble. [With a scholar's shudder.] Believe me, I do not deserve -so neologistic a phrase. The precept as well as the practice of the -Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony. - -Miss Prism. [Sententiously.] That is obviously the reason why the -Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day. And you do -not seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persistently remaining -single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation. -Men should be more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels -astray. - -Chasuble. But is a man not equally attractive when married? - -Miss Prism. No married man is ever attractive except to his wife. - -Chasuble. And often, I've been told, not even to her. - -Miss Prism. That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the -woman. Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness can be -trusted. Young women are green. [Dr. Chasuble starts.] I spoke -horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn from fruits. But where is -Cecily? - -Chasuble. Perhaps she followed us to the schools. - -[Enter Jack slowly from the back of the garden. He is dressed in -the deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves.] - -Miss Prism. Mr. Worthing! - -Chasuble. Mr. Worthing? - -Miss Prism. This is indeed a surprise. We did not look for you -till Monday afternoon. - -Jack. [Shakes Miss Prism's hand in a tragic manner.] I have -returned sooner than I expected. Dr. Chasuble, I hope you are well? - -Chasuble. Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not -betoken some terrible calamity? - -Jack. My brother. - -Miss Prism. More shameful debts and extravagance? - -Chasuble. Still leading his life of pleasure? - -Jack. [Shaking his head.] Dead! - -Chasuble. Your brother Ernest dead? - -Jack. Quite dead. - -Miss Prism. What a lesson for him! I trust he will profit by it. - -Chasuble. Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence. You -have at least the consolation of knowing that you were always the -most generous and forgiving of brothers. - -Jack. Poor Ernest! He had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blow. - -Chasuble. Very sad indeed. Were you with him at the end? - -Jack. No. He died abroad; in Paris, in fact. I had a telegram -last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel. - -Chasuble. Was the cause of death mentioned? - -Jack. A severe chill, it seems. - -Miss Prism. As a man sows, so shall he reap. - -Chasuble. [Raising his hand.] Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity! -None of us are perfect. I myself am peculiarly susceptible to -draughts. Will the interment take place here? - -Jack. No. He seems to have expressed a desire to be buried in -Paris. - -Chasuble. In Paris! [Shakes his head.] I fear that hardly points -to any very serious state of mind at the last. You would no doubt -wish me to make some slight allusion to this tragic domestic -affliction next Sunday. [Jack presses his hand convulsively.] My -sermon on the meaning of the manna in the wilderness can be adapted -to almost any occasion, joyful, or, as in the present case, -distressing. [All sigh.] I have preached it at harvest -celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on days of humiliation -and festal days. The last time I delivered it was in the Cathedral, -as a charity sermon on behalf of the Society for the Prevention of -Discontent among the Upper Orders. The Bishop, who was present, was -much struck by some of the analogies I drew. - -Jack. Ah! that reminds me, you mentioned christenings I think, Dr. -Chasuble? I suppose you know how to christen all right? [Dr. -Chasuble looks astounded.] I mean, of course, you are continually -christening, aren't you? - -Miss Prism. It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector's most -constant duties in this parish. I have often spoken to the poorer -classes on the subject. But they don't seem to know what thrift is. - -Chasuble. But is there any particular infant in whom you are -interested, Mr. Worthing? Your brother was, I believe, unmarried, -was he not? - -Jack. Oh yes. - -Miss Prism. [Bitterly.] People who live entirely for pleasure -usually are. - -Jack. But it is not for any child, dear Doctor. I am very fond of -children. No! the fact is, I would like to be christened myself, -this afternoon, if you have nothing better to do. - -Chasuble. But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been christened -already? - -Jack. I don't remember anything about it. - -Chasuble. But have you any grave doubts on the subject? - -Jack. I certainly intend to have. Of course I don't know if the -thing would bother you in any way, or if you think I am a little too -old now. - -Chasuble. Not at all. The sprinkling, and, indeed, the immersion -of adults is a perfectly canonical practice. - -Jack. Immersion! - -Chasuble. You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling is all that -is necessary, or indeed I think advisable. Our weather is so -changeable. At what hour would you wish the ceremony performed? - -Jack. Oh, I might trot round about five if that would suit you. - -Chasuble. Perfectly, perfectly! In fact I have two similar -ceremonies to perform at that time. A case of twins that occurred -recently in one of the outlying cottages on your own estate. Poor -Jenkins the carter, a most hard-working man. - -Jack. Oh! I don't see much fun in being christened along with -other babies. It would be childish. Would half-past five do? - -Chasuble. Admirably! Admirably! [Takes out watch.] And now, dear -Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. -I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What -seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. - -Miss Prism. This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious -kind. - -[Enter Cecily from the house.] - -Cecily. Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you back. But what -horrid clothes you have got on! Do go and change them. - -Miss Prism. Cecily! - -Chasuble. My child! my child! [Cecily goes towards Jack; he kisses -her brow in a melancholy manner.] - -Cecily. What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy! You look -as if you had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you. -Who do you think is in the dining-room? Your brother! - -Jack. Who? - -Cecily. Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago. - -Jack. What nonsense! I haven't got a brother. - -Cecily. Oh, don't say that. However badly he may have behaved to -you in the past he is still your brother. You couldn't be so -heartless as to disown him. I'll tell him to come out. And you -will shake hands with him, won't you, Uncle Jack? [Runs back into -the house.] - -Chasuble. These are very joyful tidings. - -Miss Prism. After we had all been resigned to his loss, his sudden -return seems to me peculiarly distressing. - -Jack. My brother is in the dining-room? I don't know what it all -means. I think it is perfectly absurd. - -[Enter Algernon and Cecily hand in hand. They come slowly up to -Jack.] - -Jack. Good heavens! [Motions Algernon away.] - -Algernon. Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that -I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, and that I -intend to lead a better life in the future. [Jack glares at him and -does not take his hand.] - -Cecily. Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother's -hand? - -Jack. Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think his coming -down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why. - -Cecily. Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in every one. -Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr. -Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often. And surely there must be -much good in one who is kind to an invalid, and leaves the pleasures -of London to sit by a bed of pain. - -Jack. Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he? - -Cecily. Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, and his -terrible state of health. - -Jack. Bunbury! Well, I won't have him talk to you about Bunbury or -about anything else. It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic. - -Algernon. Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. -But I must say that I think that Brother John's coldness to me is -peculiarly painful. I expected a more enthusiastic welcome, -especially considering it is the first time I have come here. - -Cecily. Uncle Jack, if you don't shake hands with Ernest I will -never forgive you. - -Jack. Never forgive me? - -Cecily. Never, never, never! - -Jack. Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it. [Shakes with -Algernon and glares.] - -Chasuble. It's pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a -reconciliation? I think we might leave the two brothers together. - -Miss Prism. Cecily, you will come with us. - -Cecily. Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task of reconciliation is -over. - -Chasuble. You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear child. - -Miss Prism. We must not be premature in our judgments. - -Cecily. I feel very happy. [They all go off except Jack and -Algernon.] - -Jack. You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as -soon as possible. I don't allow any Bunburying here. - -[Enter Merriman.] - -Merriman. I have put Mr. Ernest's things in the room next to yours, -sir. I suppose that is all right? - -Jack. What? - -Merriman. Mr. Ernest's luggage, sir. I have unpacked it and put it -in the room next to your own. - -Jack. His luggage? - -Merriman. Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case, two hat- -boxes, and a large luncheon-basket. - -Algernon. I am afraid I can't stay more than a week this time. - -Jack. Merriman, order the dog-cart at once. Mr. Ernest has been -suddenly called back to town. - -Merriman. Yes, sir. [Goes back into the house.] - -Algernon. What a fearful liar you are, Jack. I have not been -called back to town at all. - -Jack. Yes, you have. - -Algernon. I haven't heard any one call me. - -Jack. Your duty as a gentleman calls you back. - -Algernon. My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my -pleasures in the smallest degree. - -Jack. I can quite understand that. - -Algernon. Well, Cecily is a darling. - -Jack. You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that. I don't like -it. - -Algernon. Well, I don't like your clothes. You look perfectly -ridiculous in them. Why on earth don't you go up and change? It is -perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually -staying for a whole week with you in your house as a guest. I call -it grotesque. - -Jack. You are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a -guest or anything else. You have got to leave . . . by the four- -five train. - -Algernon. I certainly won't leave you so long as you are in -mourning. It would be most unfriendly. If I were in mourning you -would stay with me, I suppose. I should think it very unkind if you -didn't. - -Jack. Well, will you go if I change my clothes? - -Algernon. Yes, if you are not too long. I never saw anybody take -so long to dress, and with such little result. - -Jack. Well, at any rate, that is better than being always over- -dressed as you are. - -Algernon. If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for -it by being always immensely over-educated. - -Jack. Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your -presence in my garden utterly absurd. However, you have got to -catch the four-five, and I hope you will have a pleasant journey -back to town. This Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a great -success for you. - -[Goes into the house.] - -Algernon. I think it has been a great success. I'm in love with -Cecily, and that is everything. - -[Enter Cecily at the back of the garden. She picks up the can and -begins to water the flowers.] But I must see her before I go, and -make arrangements for another Bunbury. Ah, there she is. - -Cecily. Oh, I merely came back to water the roses. I thought you -were with Uncle Jack. - -Algernon. He's gone to order the dog-cart for me. - -Cecily. Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive? - -Algernon. He's going to send me away. - -Cecily. Then have we got to part? - -Algernon. I am afraid so. It's a very painful parting. - -Cecily. It is always painful to part from people whom one has known -for a very brief space of time. The absence of old friends one can -endure with equanimity. But even a momentary separation from anyone -to whom one has just been introduced is almost unbearable. - -Algernon. Thank you. - -[Enter Merriman.] - -Merriman. The dog-cart is at the door, sir. [Algernon looks -appealingly at Cecily.] - -Cecily. It can wait, Merriman for . . . five minutes. - -Merriman. Yes, Miss. [Exit Merriman.] - -Algernon. I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I state quite -frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every way the -visible personification of absolute perfection. - -Cecily. I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest. If -you will allow me, I will copy your remarks into my diary. [Goes -over to table and begins writing in diary.] - -Algernon. Do you really keep a diary? I'd give anything to look at -it. May I? - -Cecily. Oh no. [Puts her hand over it.] You see, it is simply a -very young girl's record of her own thoughts and impressions, and -consequently meant for publication. When it appears in volume form -I hope you will order a copy. But pray, Ernest, don't stop. I -delight in taking down from dictation. I have reached 'absolute -perfection'. You can go on. I am quite ready for more. - -Algernon. [Somewhat taken aback.] Ahem! Ahem! - -Cecily. Oh, don't cough, Ernest. When one is dictating one should -speak fluently and not cough. Besides, I don't know how to spell a -cough. [Writes as Algernon speaks.] - -Algernon. [Speaking very rapidly.] Cecily, ever since I first -looked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to -love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. - -Cecily. I don't think that you should tell me that you love me -wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. Hopelessly doesn't -seem to make much sense, does it? - -Algernon. Cecily! - -[Enter Merriman.] - -Merriman. The dog-cart is waiting, sir. - -Algernon. Tell it to come round next week, at the same hour. - -Merriman. [Looks at Cecily, who makes no sign.] Yes, sir. - -[Merriman retires.] - -Cecily. Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knew you were -staying on till next week, at the same hour. - -Algernon. Oh, I don't care about Jack. I don't care for anybody in -the whole world but you. I love you, Cecily. You will marry me, -won't you? - -Cecily. You silly boy! Of course. Why, we have been engaged for -the last three months. - -Algernon. For the last three months? - -Cecily. Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday. - -Algernon. But how did we become engaged? - -Cecily. Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us that -he had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you of course -have formed the chief topic of conversation between myself and Miss -Prism. And of course a man who is much talked about is always very -attractive. One feels there must be something in him, after all. I -daresay it was foolish of me, but I fell in love with you, Ernest. - -Algernon. Darling! And when was the engagement actually settled? - -Cecily. On the 14th of February last. Worn out by your entire -ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter one way or -the other, and after a long struggle with myself I accepted you -under this dear old tree here. The next day I bought this little -ring in your name, and this is the little bangle with the true -lover's knot I promised you always to wear. - -Algernon. Did I give you this? It's very pretty, isn't it? - -Cecily. Yes, you've wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It's the -excuse I've always given for your leading such a bad life. And this -is the box in which I keep all your dear letters. [Kneels at table, -opens box, and produces letters tied up with blue ribbon.] - -Algernon. My letters! But, my own sweet Cecily, I have never -written you any letters. - -Cecily. You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest. I remember only -too well that I was forced to write your letters for you. I wrote -always three times a week, and sometimes oftener. - -Algernon. Oh, do let me read them, Cecily? - -Cecily. Oh, I couldn't possibly. They would make you far too -conceited. [Replaces box.] The three you wrote me after I had -broken of the engagement are so beautiful, and so badly spelled, -that even now I can hardly read them without crying a little. - -Algernon. But was our engagement ever broken off? - -Cecily. Of course it was. On the 22nd of last March. You can see -the entry if you like. [Shows diary.] 'To-day I broke off my -engagement with Ernest. I feel it is better to do so. The weather -still continues charming.' - -Algernon. But why on earth did you break it off? What had I done? -I had done nothing at all. Cecily, I am very much hurt indeed to -hear you broke it off. Particularly when the weather was so -charming. - -Cecily. It would hardly have been a really serious engagement if it -hadn't been broken off at least once. But I forgave you before the -week was out. - -Algernon. [Crossing to her, and kneeling.] What a perfect angel -you are, Cecily. - -Cecily. You dear romantic boy. [He kisses her, she puts her -fingers through his hair.] I hope your hair curls naturally, does -it? - -Algernon. Yes, darling, with a little help from others. - -Cecily. I am so glad. - -Algernon. You'll never break off our engagement again, Cecily? - -Cecily. I don't think I could break it off now that I have actually -met you. Besides, of course, there is the question of your name. - -Algernon. Yes, of course. [Nervously.] - -Cecily. You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had always been a -girlish dream of mine to love some one whose name was Ernest. -[Algernon rises, Cecily also.] There is something in that name that -seems to inspire absolute confidence. I pity any poor married woman -whose husband is not called Ernest. - -Algernon. But, my dear child, do you mean to say you could not love -me if I had some other name? - -Cecily. But what name? - -Algernon. Oh, any name you like--Algernon--for instance . . . - -Cecily. But I don't like the name of Algernon. - -Algernon. Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really -can't see why you should object to the name of Algernon. It is not -at all a bad name. In fact, it is rather an aristocratic name. -Half of the chaps who get into the Bankruptcy Court are called -Algernon. But seriously, Cecily . . . [Moving to her] . . . if my -name was Algy, couldn't you love me? - -Cecily. [Rising.] I might respect you, Ernest, I might admire your -character, but I fear that I should not be able to give you my -undivided attention. - -Algernon. Ahem! Cecily! [Picking up hat.] Your Rector here is, I -suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice of all the rites and -ceremonials of the Church? - -Cecily. Oh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned man. He has never -written a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows. - -Algernon. I must see him at once on a most important christening--I -mean on most important business. - -Cecily. Oh! - -Algernon. I shan't be away more than half an hour. - -Cecily. Considering that we have been engaged since February the -14th, and that I only met you to-day for the first time, I think it -is rather hard that you should leave me for so long a period as half -an hour. Couldn't you make it twenty minutes? - -Algernon. I'll be back in no time. - -[Kisses her and rushes down the garden.] - -Cecily. What an impetuous boy he is! I like his hair so much. I -must enter his proposal in my diary. - -[Enter Merriman.] - -Merriman. A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing. On -very important business, Miss Fairfax states. - -Cecily. Isn't Mr. Worthing in his library? - -Merriman. Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of the Rectory -some time ago. - -Cecily. Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing is sure to -be back soon. And you can bring tea. - -Merriman. Yes, Miss. [Goes out.] - -Cecily. Miss Fairfax! I suppose one of the many good elderly women -who are associated with Uncle Jack in some of his philanthropic work -in London. I don't quite like women who are interested in -philanthropic work. I think it is so forward of them. - -[Enter Merriman.] - -Merriman. Miss Fairfax. - -[Enter Gwendolen.] - -[Exit Merriman.] - -Cecily. [Advancing to meet her.] Pray let me introduce myself to -you. My name is Cecily Cardew. - -Gwendolen. Cecily Cardew? [Moving to her and shaking hands.] What -a very sweet name! Something tells me that we are going to be great -friends. I like you already more than I can say. My first -impressions of people are never wrong. - -Cecily. How nice of you to like me so much after we have known each -other such a comparatively short time. Pray sit down. - -Gwendolen. [Still standing up.] I may call you Cecily, may I not? - -Cecily. With pleasure! - -Gwendolen. And you will always call me Gwendolen, won't you? - -Cecily. If you wish. - -Gwendolen. Then that is all quite settled, is it not? - -Cecily. I hope so. [A pause. They both sit down together.] - -Gwendolen. Perhaps this might be a favourable opportunity for my -mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. You have never -heard of papa, I suppose? - -Cecily. I don't think so. - -Gwendolen. Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad to say, is -entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it should be. The home -seems to me to be the proper sphere for the man. And certainly once -a man begins to neglect his domestic duties he becomes painfully -effeminate, does he not? And I don't like that. It makes men so -very attractive. Cecily, mamma, whose views on education are -remarkably strict, has brought me up to be extremely short-sighted; -it is part of her system; so do you mind my looking at you through -my glasses? - -Cecily. Oh! not at all, Gwendolen. I am very fond of being looked -at. - -Gwendolen. [After examining Cecily carefully through a lorgnette.] -You are here on a short visit, I suppose. - -Cecily. Oh no! I live here. - -Gwendolen. [Severely.] Really? Your mother, no doubt, or some -female relative of advanced years, resides here also? - -Cecily. Oh no! I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations. - -Gwendolen. Indeed? - -Cecily. My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism, has -the arduous task of looking after me. - -Gwendolen. Your guardian? - -Cecily. Yes, I am Mr. Worthing's ward. - -Gwendolen. Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had -a ward. How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. I -am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of -unmixed delight. [Rising and going to her.] I am very fond of you, -Cecily; I have liked you ever since I met you! But I am bound to -state that now that I know that you are Mr. Worthing's ward, I -cannot help expressing a wish you were--well, just a little older -than you seem to be--and not quite so very alluring in appearance. -In fact, if I may speak candidly - - -Cecily. Pray do! I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant -to say, one should always be quite candid. - -Gwendolen. Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that -you were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for your age. -Ernest has a strong upright nature. He is the very soul of truth -and honour. Disloyalty would be as impossible to him as deception. -But even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely -susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. -Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies us with many most -painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, -History would be quite unreadable. - -Cecily. I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest? - -Gwendolen. Yes. - -Cecily. Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is my guardian. -It is his brother--his elder brother. - -Gwendolen. [Sitting down again.] Ernest never mentioned to me that -he had a brother. - -Cecily. I am sorry to say they have not been on good terms for a -long time. - -Gwendolen. Ah! that accounts for it. And now that I think of it I -have never heard any man mention his brother. The subject seems -distasteful to most men. Cecily, you have lifted a load from my -mind. I was growing almost anxious. It would have been terrible if -any cloud had come across a friendship like ours, would it not? Of -course you are quite, quite sure that it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing -who is your guardian? - -Cecily. Quite sure. [A pause.] In fact, I am going to be his. - -Gwendolen. [Inquiringly.] I beg your pardon? - -Cecily. [Rather shy and confidingly.] Dearest Gwendolen, there is -no reason why I should make a secret of it to you. Our little -county newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week. Mr. -Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married. - -Gwendolen. [Quite politely, rising.] My darling Cecily, I think -there must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to -me. The announcement will appear in the Morning Post on Saturday at -the latest. - -Cecily. [Very politely, rising.] I am afraid you must be under -some misconception. Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago. -[Shows diary.] - -Gwendolen. [Examines diary through her lorgnettte carefully.] It -is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday -afternoon at 5.30. If you would care to verify the incident, pray -do so. [Produces diary of her own.] I never travel without my -diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the -train. I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any disappointment to -you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim. - -Cecily. It would distress me more than I can tell you, dear -Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I -feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly -has changed his mind. - -Gwendolen. [Meditatively.] If the poor fellow has been entrapped -into any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty to rescue him -at once, and with a firm hand. - -Cecily. [Thoughtfully and sadly.] Whatever unfortunate -entanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach -him with it after we are married. - -Gwendolen. Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement? -You are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind it becomes more -than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure. - -Cecily. Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into -an engagement? How dare you? This is no time for wearing the -shallow mask of manners. When I see a spade I call it a spade. - -Gwendolen. [Satirically.] I am glad to say that I have never seen -a spade. It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely -different. - -[Enter Merriman, followed by the footman. He carries a salver, -table cloth, and plate stand. Cecily is about to retort. The -presence of the servants exercises a restraining influence, under -which both girls chafe.] - -Merriman. Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss? - -Cecily. [Sternly, in a calm voice.] Yes, as usual. [Merriman -begins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause. Cecily and -Gwendolen glare at each other.] - -Gwendolen. Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, Miss -Cardew? - -Cecily. Oh! yes! a great many. From the top of one of the hills -quite close one can see five counties. - -Gwendolen. Five counties! I don't think I should like that; I hate -crowds. - -Cecily. [Sweetly.] I suppose that is why you live in town? -[Gwendolen bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously with her -parasol.] - -Gwendolen. [Looking round.] Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss -Cardew. - -Cecily. So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax. - -Gwendolen. I had no idea there were any flowers in the country. - -Cecily. Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are -in London. - -Gwendolen. Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to -exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does. The country -always bores me to death. - -Cecily. Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural -depression, is it not? I believe the aristocracy are suffering very -much from it just at present. It is almost an epidemic amongst -them, I have been told. May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax? - -Gwendolen. [With elaborate politeness.] Thank you. [Aside.] -Detestable girl! But I require tea! - -Cecily. [Sweetly.] Sugar? - -Gwendolen. [Superciliously.] No, thank you. Sugar is not -fashionable any more. [Cecily looks angrily at her, takes up the -tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.] - -Cecily. [Severely.] Cake or bread and butter? - -Gwendolen. [In a bored manner.] Bread and butter, please. Cake is -rarely seen at the best houses nowadays. - -Cecily. [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the tray.] -Hand that to Miss Fairfax. - -[Merriman does so, and goes out with footman. Gwendolen drinks the -tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches out her -hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake. -Rises in indignation.] - -Gwendolen. You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I -asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. -I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the -extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, -you may go too far. - -Cecily. [Rising.] To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the -machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I would -not go. - -Gwendolen. From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt that -you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters. -My first impressions of people are invariably right. - -Cecily. It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your -valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of a similar -character to make in the neighbourhood. - -[Enter Jack.] - -Gwendolen. [Catching sight of him.] Ernest! My own Ernest! - -Jack. Gwendolen! Darling! [Offers to kiss her.] - -Gwendolen. [Draws back.] A moment! May I ask if you are engaged -to be married to this young lady? [Points to Cecily.] - -Jack. [Laughing.] To dear little Cecily! Of course not! What -could have put such an idea into your pretty little head? - -Gwendolen. Thank you. You may! [Offers her cheek.] - -Cecily. [Very sweetly.] I knew there must be some -misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at -present round your waist is my guardian, Mr. John Worthing. - -Gwendolen. I beg your pardon? - -Cecily. This is Uncle Jack. - -Gwendolen. [Receding.] Jack! Oh! - -[Enter Algernon.] - -Cecily. Here is Ernest. - -Algernon. [Goes straight over to Cecily without noticing any one -else.] My own love! [Offers to kiss her.] - -Cecily. [Drawing back.] A moment, Ernest! May I ask you--are you -engaged to be married to this young lady? - -Algernon. [Looking round.] To what young lady? Good heavens! -Gwendolen! - -Cecily. Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen. - -Algernon. [Laughing.] Of course not! What could have put such an -idea into your pretty little head? - -Cecily. Thank you. [Presenting her cheek to be kissed.] You may. -[Algernon kisses her.] - -Gwendolen. I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The -gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon -Moncrieff. - -Cecily. [Breaking away from Algernon.] Algernon Moncrieff! Oh! -[The two girls move towards each other and put their arms round each -other's waists protection.] - -Cecily. Are you called Algernon? - -Algernon. I cannot deny it. - -Cecily. Oh! - -Gwendolen. Is your name really John? - -Jack. [Standing rather proudly.] I could deny it if I liked. I -could deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It -has been John for years. - -Cecily. [To Gwendolen.] A gross deception has been practised on -both of us. - -Gwendolen. My poor wounded Cecily! - -Cecily. My sweet wronged Gwendolen! - -Gwendolen. [Slowly and seriously.] You will call me sister, will -you not? [They embrace. Jack and Algernon groan and walk up and -down.] - -Cecily. [Rather brightly.] There is just one question I would like -to be allowed to ask my guardian. - -Gwendolen. An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there is just one -question I would like to be permitted to put to you. Where is your -brother Ernest? We are both engaged to be married to your brother -Ernest, so it is a matter of some importance to us to know where -your brother Ernest is at present. - -Jack. [Slowly and hesitatingly.] Gwendolen--Cecily--it is very -painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first -time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful -position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of -the kind. However, I will tell you quite frankly that I have no -brother Ernest. I have no brother at all. I never had a brother in -my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever -having one in the future. - -Cecily. [Surprised.] No brother at all? - -Jack. [Cheerily.] None! - -Gwendolen. [Severely.] Had you never a brother of any kind? - -Jack. [Pleasantly.] Never. Not even of an kind. - -Gwendolen. I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of -us is engaged to be married to any one. - -Cecily. It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl -suddenly to find herself in. Is it? - -Gwendolen. Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to -come after us there. - -Cecily. No, men are so cowardly, aren't they? - -[They retire into the house with scornful looks.] - -Jack. This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I -suppose? - -Algernon. Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most -wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life. - -Jack. Well, you've no right whatsoever to Bunbury here. - -Algernon. That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one -chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that. - -Jack. Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens! - -Algernon. Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants -to have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about -Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven't got the -remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy. You have such an -absolutely trivial nature. - -Jack. Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this -wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. -You won't be able to run down to the country quite so often as you -used to do, dear Algy. And a very good thing too. - -Algernon. Your brother is a little off colour, isn't he, dear Jack? -You won't be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your -wicked custom was. And not a bad thing either. - -Jack. As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your -taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite -inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward. - -Algernon. I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a -brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss -Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin. - -Jack. I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love -her. - -Algernon. Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore -her. - -Jack. There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew. - -Algernon. I don't think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and -Miss Fairfax being united. - -Jack. Well, that is no business of yours. - -Algernon. If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it. [Begins -to eat muffins.] It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. -Only people like stock-brokers do that, and then merely at dinner -parties. - -Jack. How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in -this horrible trouble, I can't make out. You seem to me to be -perfectly heartless. - -Algernon. Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The -butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat -muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them. - -Jack. I say it's perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, -under the circumstances. - -Algernon. When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that -consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as any one -who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except -food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I -am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. [Rising.] - -Jack. [Rising.] Well, that is no reason why you should eat them -all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins from Algernon.] - -Algernon. [Offering tea-cake.] I wish you would have tea-cake -instead. I don't like tea-cake. - -Jack. Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his -own garden. - -Algernon. But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat -muffins. - -Jack. I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the -circumstances. That is a very different thing. - -Algernon. That may be. But the muffins are the same. [He seizes -the muffin-dish from Jack.] - -Jack. Algy, I wish to goodness you would go. - -Algernon. You can't possibly ask me to go without having some -dinner. It's absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever -does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides I have just -made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to -six under the name of Ernest. - -Jack. My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the -better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be -christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name of -Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can't both be christened -Ernest. It's absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be -christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I have ever -been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I -never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely different in -your case. You have been christened already. - -Algernon. Yes, but I have not been christened for years. - -Jack. Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important -thing. - -Algernon. Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If -you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I -must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It -might make you very unwell. You can hardly have forgotten that some -one very closely connected with you was very nearly carried off this -week in Paris by a severe chill. - -Jack. Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not -hereditary. - -Algernon. It usen't to be, I know--but I daresay it is now. -Science is always making wonderful improvements in things. - -Jack. [Picking up the muffin-dish.] Oh, that is nonsense; you are -always talking nonsense. - -Algernon. Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish you wouldn't. -There are only two left. [Takes them.] I told you I was -particularly fond of muffins. - -Jack. But I hate tea-cake. - -Algernon. Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up -for your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality! - -Jack. Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don't want you -here. Why don't you go! - -Algernon. I haven't quite finished my tea yet! and there is still -one muffin left. [Jack groans, and sinks into a chair. Algernon -still continues eating.] - -ACT DROP - - - - -THIRD ACT - - -SCENE - -Morning-room at the Manor House. - -[Gwendolen and Cecily are at the window, looking out into the -garden.] - -Gwendolen. The fact that they did not follow us at once into the -house, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that -they have some sense of shame left. - -Cecily. They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance. - -Gwendolen. [After a pause.] They don't seem to notice us at all. -Couldn't you cough? - -Cecily. But I haven't got a cough. - -Gwendolen. They're looking at us. What effrontery! - -Cecily. They're approaching. That's very forward of them. - -Gwendolen. Let us preserve a dignified silence. - -Cecily. Certainly. It's the only thing to do now. [Enter Jack -followed by Algernon. They whistle some dreadful popular air from a -British Opera.] - -Gwendolen. This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant -effect. - -Cecily. A most distasteful one. - -Gwendolen. But we will not be the first to speak. - -Cecily. Certainly not. - -Gwendolen. Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask -you. Much depends on your reply. - -Cecily. Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, -kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be -my guardian's brother? - -Algernon. In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you. - -Cecily. [To Gwendolen.] That certainly seems a satisfactory -explanation, does it not? - -Gwendolen. Yes, dear, if you can believe him. - -Cecily. I don't. But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of -his answer. - -Gwendolen. True. In matters of grave importance, style, not -sincerity is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can -you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order -that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as -often as possible? - -Jack. Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax? - -Gwendolen. I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I -intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. -[Moving to Cecily.] Their explanations appear to be quite -satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing's. That seems to me to have -the stamp of truth upon it. - -Cecily. I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His -voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity. - -Gwendolen. Then you think we should forgive them? - -Cecily. Yes. I mean no. - -Gwendolen. True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake -that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task -is not a pleasant one. - -Cecily. Could we not both speak at the same time? - -Gwendolen. An excellent idea! I nearly always speak at the same -time as other people. Will you take the time from me? - -Cecily. Certainly. [Gwendolen beats time with uplifted finger.] - -Gwendolen and Cecily [Speaking together.] Your Christian names are -still an insuperable barrier. That is all! - -Jack and Algernon [Speaking together.] Our Christian names! Is -that all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon. - -Gwendolen. [To Jack.] For my sake you are prepared to do this -terrible thing? - -Jack. I am. - -Cecily. [To Algernon.] To please me you are ready to face this -fearful ordeal? - -Algernon. I am! - -Gwendolen. How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where -questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond -us. - -Jack. We are. [Clasps hands with Algernon.] - -Cecily. They have moments of physical courage of which we women -know absolutely nothing. - -Gwendolen. [To Jack.] Darling! - -Algernon. [To Cecily.] Darling! [They fall into each other's -arms.] - -[Enter Merriman. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the -situation.] - -Merriman. Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell! - -Jack. Good heavens! - -[Enter Lady Bracknell. The couples separate in alarm. Exit -Merriman.] - -Lady Bracknell. Gwendolen! What does this mean? - -Gwendolen. Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, -mamma. - -Lady Bracknell. Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. -Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of -physical weakness in the old. [Turns to Jack.] Apprised, sir, of -my daughter's sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I -purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a -luggage train. Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the -impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture -by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent -income on Thought. I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed I -have never undeceived him on any question. I would consider it -wrong. But of course, you will clearly understand that all -communication between yourself and my daughter must cease -immediately from this moment. On this point, as indeed on all -points, I am firm. - -Jack. I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen Lady Bracknell! - -Lady Bracknell. You are nothing of the kind, sir. And now, as -regards Algernon! . . . Algernon! - -Algernon. Yes, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid -friend Mr. Bunbury resides? - -Algernon. [Stammering.] Oh! No! Bunbury doesn't live here. -Bunbury is somewhere else at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead, - -Lady Bracknell. Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? His death must -have been extremely sudden. - -Algernon. [Airily.] Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean -poor Bunbury died this afternoon. - -Lady Bracknell. What did he die of? - -Algernon. Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded. - -Lady Bracknell. Exploded! Was he the victim of a revolutionary -outrage? I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social -legislation. If so, he is well punished for his morbidity. - -Algernon. My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out! The -doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean-- -so Bunbury died. - -Lady Bracknell. He seems to have had great confidence in the -opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his -mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under -proper medical advice. And now that we have finally got rid of this -Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose -hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a -peculiarly unnecessary manner? - -Jack. That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward. [Lady Bracknell -bows coldly to Cecily.] - -Algernon. I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. I beg your pardon? - -Cecily. Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady -Bracknell. - -Lady Bracknell. [With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting -down.] I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting -in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number -of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper -average that statistics have laid down for our guidance. I think -some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place. Mr. -Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger -railway stations in London? I merely desire information. Until -yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons -whose origin was a Terminus. [Jack looks perfectly furious, but -restrains himself.] - -Jack. [In a clear, cold voice.] Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter -of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase -Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B. - -Lady Bracknell. That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses -always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. But what proof have I -of their authenticity? - -Jack. I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period. -They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell. - -Lady Bracknell. [Grimly.] I have known strange errors in that -publication. - -Jack. Miss Cardew's family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, -and Markby. - -Lady Bracknell. Markby, Markby, and Markby? A firm of the very -highest position in their profession. Indeed I am told that one of -the Mr. Markby's is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. So -far I am satisfied. - -Jack. [Very irritably.] How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell! -I have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, -certificates of Miss Cardew's birth, baptism, whooping cough, -registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; both the -German and the English variety. - -Lady Bracknell. Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though -perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I am not myself in -favour of premature experiences. [Rises, looks at her watch.] -Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure. We have not a -moment to lose. As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask -you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune? - -Jack. Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds. -That is all. Goodbye, Lady Bracknell. So pleased to have seen you. - -Lady Bracknell. [Sitting down again.] A moment, Mr. Worthing. A -hundred and thirty thousand pounds! And in the Funds! Miss Cardew -seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her. -Few girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of -the qualities that last, and improve with time. We live, I regret -to say, in an age of surfaces. [To Cecily.] Come over here, dear. -[Cecily goes across.] Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and -your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it. But we can -soon alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French maid produces -a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time. I -remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three -months her own husband did not know her. - -Jack. And after six months nobody knew her. - -Lady Bracknell. [Glares at Jack for a few moments. Then bends, -with a practised smile, to Cecily.] Kindly turn round, sweet child. -[Cecily turns completely round.] No, the side view is what I want. -[Cecily presents her profile.] Yes, quite as I expected. There are -distinct social possibilities in your profile. The two weak points -in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile. The -chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the way the -chin is worn. They are worn very high, just at present. Algernon! - -Algernon. Yes, Aunt Augusta! - -Lady Bracknell. There are distinct social possibilities in Miss -Cardew's profile. - -Algernon. Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the -whole world. And I don't care twopence about social possibilities. - -Lady Bracknell. Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. -Only people who can't get into it do that. [To Cecily.] Dear -child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to -depend upon. But I do not approve of mercenary marriages. When I -married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind. But I never -dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way. Well, I -suppose I must give my consent. - -Algernon. Thank you, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. Cecily, you may kiss me! - -Cecily. [Kisses her.] Thank you, Lady Bracknell. - -Lady Bracknell. You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the -future. - -Cecily. Thank you, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. The marriage, I think, had better take place quite -soon. - -Algernon. Thank you, Aunt Augusta. - -Cecily. Thank you, Aunt Augusta. - -Lady Bracknell. To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long -engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each -other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable. - -Jack. I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but -this engagement is quite out of the question. I am Miss Cardew's -guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of -age. That consent I absolutely decline to give. - -Lady Bracknell. Upon what grounds may I ask? Algernon is an -extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. -He has nothing, but he looks everything. What more can one desire? - -Jack. It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady -Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve -at all of his moral character. I suspect him of being untruthful. -[Algernon and Cecily look at him in indignant amazement.] - -Lady Bracknell. Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impossible! He -is an Oxonian. - -Jack. I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This -afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important -question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of -the false pretence of being my brother. Under an assumed name he -drank, I've just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle -of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, '89; wine I was specially reserving for -myself. Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the -course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only -ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single -muffin. And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that -he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, -that I never had a brother, and that I don't intend to have a -brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself -yesterday afternoon. - -Lady Bracknell. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I -have decided entirely to overlook my nephew's conduct to you. - -Jack. That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. My own -decision, however, is unalterable. I decline to give my consent. - -Lady Bracknell. [To Cecily.] Come here, sweet child. [Cecily goes -over.] How old are you, dear? - -Cecily. Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to -twenty when I go to evening parties. - -Lady Bracknell. You are perfectly right in making some slight -alteration. Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about -her age. It looks so calculating . . . [In a meditative manner.] -Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties. Well, it will -not be very long before you are of age and free from the restraints -of tutelage. So I don't think your guardian's consent is, after -all, a matter of any importance. - -Jack. Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, -but it is only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her -grandfather's will Miss Cardew does not come legally of age till she -is thirty-five. - -Lady Bracknell. That does not seem to me to be a grave objection. -Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of -women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, -remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in -point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she -arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now. I see no -reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still more attractive -at the age you mention than she is at present. There will be a -large accumulation of property. - -Cecily. Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five? - -Algernon. Of course I could, Cecily. You know I could. - -Cecily. Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn't wait all that -time. I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody. It always -makes me rather cross. I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do -like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to be married, is -quite out of the question. - -Algernon. Then what is to be done, Cecily? - -Cecily. I don't know, Mr. Moncrieff. - -Lady Bracknell. My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states -positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five--a remark -which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient -nature--I would beg of you to reconsider your decision. - -Jack. But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your -own hands. The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I -will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward. - -Lady Bracknell. [Rising and drawing herself up.] You must be quite -aware that what you propose is out of the question. - -Jack. Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look -forward to. - -Lady Bracknell. That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen. -Algernon, of course, can choose for himself. [Pulls out her watch.] -Come, dear, [Gwendolen rises] we have already missed five, if not -six, trains. To miss any more might expose us to comment on the -platform. - -[Enter Dr. Chasuble.] - -Chasuble. Everything is quite ready for the christenings. - -Lady Bracknell. The christenings, sir! Is not that somewhat -premature? - -Chasuble. [Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to Jack and -Algernon.] Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for -immediate baptism. - -Lady Bracknell. At their age? The idea is grotesque and -irreligious! Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized. I will not -hear of such excesses. Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if -he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your time and -money. - -Chasuble. Am I to understand then that there are to be no -christenings at all this afternoon? - -Jack. I don't think that, as things are now, it would be of much -practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble. - -Chasuble. I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. -Worthing. They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, -views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished -sermons. However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly -secular, I will return to the church at once. Indeed, I have just -been informed by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half -Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry. - -Lady Bracknell. [Starting.] Miss Prism! Did I bear you mention a -Miss Prism? - -Chasuble. Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way to join her. - -Lady Bracknell. Pray allow me to detain you for a moment. This -matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and -myself. Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely -connected with education? - -Chasuble. [Somewhat indignantly.] She is the most cultivated of -ladies, and the very picture of respectability. - -Lady Bracknell. It is obviously the same person. May I ask what -position she holds in your household? - -Chasuble. [Severely.] I am a celibate, madam. - -Jack. [Interposing.] Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the -last three years Miss Cardew's esteemed governess and valued -companion. - -Lady Bracknell. In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at -once. Let her be sent for. - -Chasuble. [Looking off.] She approaches; she is nigh. - -[Enter Miss Prism hurriedly.] - -Miss Prism. I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon. -I have been waiting for you there for an hour and three-quarters. -[Catches sight of Lady Bracknell, who has fixed her with a stony -glare. Miss Prism grows pale and quails. She looks anxiously round -as if desirous to escape.] - -Lady Bracknell. [In a severe, judicial voice.] Prism! [Miss Prism -bows her head in shame.] Come here, Prism! [Miss Prism approaches -in a humble manner.] Prism! Where is that baby? [General -consternation. The Canon starts back in horror. Algernon and Jack -pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily and Gwendolen from hearing -the details of a terrible public scandal.] Twenty-eight years ago, -Prism, you left Lord Bracknell's house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor -Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a baby of the -male sex. You never returned. A few weeks later, through the -elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the -perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a -remote corner of Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a three- -volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality. [Miss -Prism starts in involuntary indignation.] But the baby was not -there! [Every one looks at Miss Prism.] Prism! Where is that -baby? [A pause.] - -Miss Prism. Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know. -I only wish I did. The plain facts of the case are these. On the -morning of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my -memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby out in its -perambulator. I had also with me a somewhat old, but capacious -hand-bag in which I had intended to place the manuscript of a work -of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours. In a -moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, -I deposited the manuscript in the basinette, and placed the baby in -the hand-bag. - -Jack. [Who has been listening attentively.] But where did you -deposit the hand-bag? - -Miss Prism. Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing. - -Jack. Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me. I -insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bag that contained -that infant. - -Miss Prism. I left it in the cloak-room of one of the larger -railway stations in London. - -Jack. What railway station? - -Miss Prism. [Quite crushed.] Victoria. The Brighton line. [Sinks -into a chair.] - -Jack. I must retire to my room for a moment. Gwendolen, wait here -for me. - -Gwendolen. If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my -life. [Exit Jack in great excitement.] - -Chasuble. What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell? - -Lady Bracknell. I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble. I need -hardly tell you that in families of high position strange -coincidences are not supposed to occur. They are hardly considered -the thing. - -[Noises heard overhead as if some one was throwing trunks about. -Every one looks up.] - -Cecily. Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated. - -Chasuble. Your guardian has a very emotional nature. - -Lady Bracknell. This noise is extremely unpleasant. It sounds as -if he was having an argument. I dislike arguments of any kind. -They are always vulgar, and often convincing. - -Chasuble. [Looking up.] It has stopped now. [The noise is -redoubled.] - -Lady Bracknell. I wish he would arrive at some conclusion. - -Gwendolen. This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. [Enter -Jack with a hand-bag of black leather in his hand.] - -Jack. [Rushing over to Miss Prism.] Is this the hand-bag, Miss -Prism? Examine it carefully before you speak. The happiness of -more than one life depends on your answer. - -Miss Prism. [Calmly.] It seems to be mine. Yes, here is the -injury it received through the upsetting of a Gower Street omnibus -in younger and happier days. Here is the stain on the lining caused -by the explosion of a temperance beverage, an incident that occurred -at Leamington. And here, on the lock, are my initials. I had -forgotten that in an extravagant mood I had had them placed there. -The bag is undoubtedly mine. I am delighted to have it so -unexpectedly restored to me. It has been a great inconvenience -being without it all these years. - -Jack. [In a pathetic voice.] Miss Prism, more is restored to you -than this hand-bag. I was the baby you placed in it. - -Miss Prism. [Amazed.] You? - -Jack. [Embracing her.] Yes . . . mother! - -Miss Prism. [Recoiling in indignant astonishment.] Mr. Worthing! -I am unmarried! - -Jack. Unmarried! I do not deny that is a serious blow. But after -all, who has the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered? -Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly? Why should there be one -law for men, and another for women? Mother, I forgive you. [Tries -to embrace her again.] - -Miss Prism. [Still more indignant.] Mr. Worthing, there is some -error. [Pointing to Lady Bracknell.] There is the lady who can -tell you who you really are. - -Jack. [After a pause.] Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, -but would you kindly inform me who I am? - -Lady Bracknell. I am afraid that the news I have to give you will -not altogether please you. You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs. -Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon's elder brother. - -Jack. Algy's elder brother! Then I have a brother after all. I -knew I had a brother! I always said I had a brother! Cecily,--how -could you have ever doubted that I had a brother? [Seizes hold of -Algernon.] Dr. Chasuble, my unfortunate brother. Miss Prism, my -unfortunate brother. Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother. Algy, you -young scoundrel, you will have to treat me with more respect in the -future. You have never behaved to me like a brother in all your -life. - -Algernon. Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit. I did my best, -however, though I was out of practice. - -[Shakes hands.] - -Gwendolen. [To Jack.] My own! But what own are you? What is your -Christian name, now that you have become some one else? - -Jack. Good heavens! . . . I had quite forgotten that point. Your -decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable, I suppose? - -Gwendolen. I never change, except in my affections. - -Cecily. What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen! - -Jack. Then the question had better be cleared up at once. Aunt -Augusta, a moment. At the time when Miss Prism left me in the hand- -bag, had I been christened already? - -Lady Bracknell. Every luxury that money could buy, including -christening, had been lavished on you by your fond and doting -parents. - -Jack. Then I was christened! That is settled. Now, what name was -I given? Let me know the worst. - -Lady Bracknell. Being the eldest son you were naturally christened -after your father. - -Jack. [Irritably.] Yes, but what was my father's Christian name? - -Lady Bracknell. [Meditatively.] I cannot at the present moment -recall what the General's Christian name was. But I have no doubt -he had one. He was eccentric, I admit. But only in later years. -And that was the result of the Indian climate, and marriage, and -indigestion, and other things of that kind. - -Jack. Algy! Can't you recollect what our father's Christian name -was? - -Algernon. My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms. He -died before I was a year old. - -Jack. His name would appear in the Army Lists of the period, I -suppose, Aunt Augusta? - -Lady Bracknell. The General was essentially a man of peace, except -in his domestic life. But I have no doubt his name would appear in -any military directory. - -Jack. The Army Lists of the last forty years are here. These -delightful records should have been my constant study. [Rushes to -bookcase and tears the books out.] M. Generals . . . Mallam, -Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names they have--Markby, Migsby, -Mobbs, Moncrieff! Lieutenant 1840, Captain, Lieutenant-Colonel, -Colonel, General 1869, Christian names, Ernest John. [Puts book -very quietly down and speaks quite calmly.] I always told you, -Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn't I? Well, it is Ernest after -all. I mean it naturally is Ernest. - -Lady Bracknell. Yes, I remember now that the General was called -Ernest, I knew I had some particular reason for disliking the name. - -Gwendolen. Ernest! My own Ernest! I felt from the first that you -could have no other name! - -Jack. Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out -suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the -truth. Can you forgive me? - -Gwendolen. I can. For I feel that you are sure to change. - -Jack. My own one! - -Chasuble. [To Miss Prism.] Laetitia! [Embraces her] - -Miss Prism. [Enthusiastically.] Frederick! At last! - -Algernon. Cecily! [Embraces her.] At last! - -Jack. Gwendolen! [Embraces her.] At last! - -Lady Bracknell. My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of -triviality. - -Jack. On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I've now realised for the -first time in my life the vital Importance of Being Earnest. - -TABLEAU - - - - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST *** - -This file should be named tiobe10.txt or tiobe10.zip -Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, tiobe11.txt -VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, tiobe10a.txt - -Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US -unless a copyright notice is included. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* - diff --git a/old/tiobe10.zip b/old/tiobe10.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index f26c5d5..0000000 --- a/old/tiobe10.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/tiobe10h.htm b/old/tiobe10h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index ce38f42..0000000 --- a/old/tiobe10h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2787 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html - PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" - "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> -<html> -<head> -<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> -<title>The Importance of Being Earnest</title> - <style type="text/css"> -/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ -<!-- - P { margin-top: .75em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: .75em; - } - H1, H2, H3, H4 { - text-align: center; /* all headings aligned centered */ - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - } - BODY{margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; - } - .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ - // --> - /* XML end ]]>*/ - </style> -</head> -<body> -<h2> -<a href="#startoftext">The Importance of Being Earnest, by Oscar Wilde</a> -</h2> -<pre> -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Importance of Being Earnest, by Oscar Wilde - -Copyright laws are changing all over the world. 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You can also find out about how to make a -donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. - - -**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** - -**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** - -*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** - - -Title: The Importance of Being Earnest - -Author: Oscar Wilde - -Release Date: March, 1997 [EBook #844] -[This file was first posted on March 8, 1997] -[Most recently updated: June 2, 2004] - -Edition: 10 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: US-ASCII -</pre> -<p><a name="startoftext"></a></p> -<p>Transcribed by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk</p> -<h1>The Importance of Being Earnest<br /> -A Trivial Comedy for Serious People</h1> -<h2>THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY</h2> -<p>John Worthing, J.P.<br /> -Algernon Moncrieff<br /> -Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.<br /> -Merriman, Butler<br /> -Lane, Manservant<br /> -Lady Bracknell<br /> -Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax<br /> -Cecily Cardew<br /> -Miss Prism, Governess</p> -<h2>THE SCENES OF THE PLAY</h2> -<p>ACT I. Algernon Moncrieff’s Flat in Half-Moon Street, -W.</p> -<p>ACT II. The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton.</p> -<p>ACT III. Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton.</p> -<p>TIME: The Present.</p> -<h2>LONDON: ST. JAMES’S THEATRE</h2> -<p>Lessee and Manager: Mr. George Alexander</p> -<p>February 14th, 1895</p> -<p>* * * * *</p> -<p>John Worthing, J.P.: Mr. George Alexander.<br /> -Algernon Moncrieff: Mr. Allen Aynesworth.<br /> -Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.: Mr. H. H. Vincent.<br /> -Merriman: Mr. Frank Dyall.<br /> -Lane: Mr. F. Kinsey Peile.<br /> -Lady Bracknell: Miss Rose Leclercq.<br /> -Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax: Miss Irene Vanbrugh.<br /> -Cecily Cardew: Miss Evelyn Millard.<br /> -Miss Prism: Mrs. George Canninge.</p> -<h2>FIRST ACT</h2> -<h3>SCENE</h3> -<p>Morning-room in Algernon’s flat in Half-Moon Street. -The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound -of a piano is heard in the adjoining room.</p> -<p>[<b>Lane</b> is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the -music has ceased, <b>Algernon</b> enters.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I’m sorry for that, for your sake. -I don’t play accurately—any one can play accurately—but -I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, -sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Yes, sir.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> And, speaking of the science of Life, have -you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on -the sofa.] Oh! . . . by the way, Lane, I see from your book that -on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with -me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Why is it that at a bachelor’s establishment -the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for -information.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> I attribute it to the superior quality of the -wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the -champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising -as that?</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> I believe it <i>is</i> a very pleasant state, -sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the -present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence -of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Languidly.] I don’t know that -I am much interested in your family life, Lane.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. -I never think of it myself.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Very natural, I am sure. That will do, -Lane, thank you.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Thank you, sir. [<b>Lane</b> goes out.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Lanes views on marriage seem somewhat lax. -Really, if the lower orders don’t set us a good example, what -on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely -no sense of moral responsibility.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Lane</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Mr. Ernest Worthing.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Jack</b>.]</p> -<p>[<b>Lane</b> goes out.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings -you up to town?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should -bring one anywhere? Eating as usual, I see, Algy!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Stiffly.] I believe it is customary -in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o’clock. -Where have you been since last Thursday?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Sitting down on the sofa.] In the country.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> What on earth do you do there?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Pulling off his gloves.] When one is in -town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses -other people. It is excessively boring.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> And who are the people you amuse?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Airily.] Oh, neighbours, neighbours.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of -them.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> How immensely you must amuse them! [Goes -over and takes sandwich.] By the way, Shropshire is your county, -is it not?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. -Hallo! Why all these cups? Why cucumber sandwiches? -Why such reckless extravagance in one so young? Who is coming -to tea?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> How perfectly delightful!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid -Aunt Augusta won’t quite approve of your being here.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> May I ask why?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen -is perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen -flirts with you.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come -up to town expressly to propose to her.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I thought you had come up for pleasure? . -. . I call that business.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> How utterly unromantic you are!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I really don’t see anything romantic -in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there -is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be -accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement -is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. -If ever I get married, I’ll certainly try to forget the fact.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The -Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so -curiously constituted.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. -Divorces are made in Heaven—[<b>Jack</b> puts out his hand to -take a sandwich. <b>Algernon</b> at once interferes.] Please -don’t touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially -for Aunt Augusta. [Takes one and eats it.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, you have been eating them all the time.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> That is quite a different matter. She -is my aunt. [Takes plate from below.] Have some bread and -butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen -is devoted to bread and butter.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Advancing to table and helping himself.] -And very good bread and butter it is too.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as -if you were going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married -to her already. You are not married to her already, and I don’t -think you ever will be.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Why on earth do you say that?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, in the first place girls never marry -the men they flirt with. Girls don’t think it right.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, that is nonsense!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> It isn’t. It is a great truth. -It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees -all over the place. In the second place, I don’t give my -consent.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Your consent!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. -And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole -question of Cecily. [Rings bell.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Cecily! What on earth do you mean? -What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily! I don’t know any one -of the name of Cecily.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Lane</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing -left in the smoking-room the last time he dined here.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Yes, sir. [<b>Lane</b> goes out.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case -all this time? I wish to goodness you had let me know. I -have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I -was very nearly offering a large reward.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, I wish you would offer one. I -happen to be more than usually hard up.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> There is no good offering a large reward now that -the thing is found.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Lane</b> with the cigarette case on a salver. <b>Algernon</b> -takes it at once. <b>Lane</b> goes out.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, -I must say. [Opens case and examines it.] However, it makes -no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that -the thing isn’t yours after all.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Of course it’s mine. [Moving to him.] -You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever -to read what is written inside. It is a very ungentlemanly thing -to read a private cigarette case.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule -about what one should read and what one shouldn’t. More -than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn’t read.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I am quite aware of the fact, and I don’t -propose to discuss modern culture. It isn’t the sort of -thing one should talk of in private. I simply want my cigarette -case back.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes; but this isn’t your cigarette case. -This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, -and you said you didn’t know any one of that name.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be -my aunt.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Your aunt!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. -Lives at Tunbridge Wells. Just give it back to me, Algy.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Retreating to back of sofa.] But why -does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at -Tunbridge Wells? [Reading.] ‘From little Cecily with -her fondest love.’</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.] My -dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, -some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt -may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that every -aunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd! For -Heaven’s sake give me back my cigarette case. [Follows <b>Algernon</b> -round the room.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes. But why does your aunt call you -her uncle? ‘From little Cecily, with her fondest love to -her dear Uncle Jack.’ There is no objection, I admit, to -an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size -may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can’t quite make -out. Besides, your name isn’t Jack at all; it is Ernest.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> It isn’t Ernest; it’s Jack.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> You have always told me it was Ernest. -I have introduced you to every one as Ernest. You answer to the -name of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You -are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life. It -is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn’t Ernest. -It’s on your cards. Here is one of them. [Taking it -from case.] ‘Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.’ -I’ll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you -attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else. -[Puts the card in his pocket.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the -country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, but that does not account for the fact -that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you -her dear uncle. Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing -out at once.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were -a dentist. It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn’t -a dentist. It produces a false impression,</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, that is exactly what dentists always -do. Now, go on! Tell me the whole thing. I may mention -that I have always suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; -and I am quite sure of it now.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I’ll reveal to you the meaning of that -incomparable expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me -why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, produce my cigarette case first.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Here it is. [Hands cigarette case.] -Now produce your explanation, and pray make it improbable. [Sits -on sofa.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about -my explanation at all. In fact it’s perfectly ordinary. -Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made -me in his will guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew. -Cecily, who addresses me as her uncle from motives of respect that you -could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place in the country under -the charge of her admirable governess, Miss Prism.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Where is that place in the country, by the -way?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> That is nothing to you, dear boy. You are -not going to be invited . . . I may tell you candidly that the place -is not in Shropshire.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I suspected that, my dear fellow! I -have Bunburyed all over Shropshire on two separate occasions. -Now, go on. Why are you Ernest in town and Jack in the country?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> My dear Algy, I don’t know whether you will -be able to understand my real motives. You are hardly serious -enough. When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has -to adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects. It’s one’s -duty to do so. And as a high moral tone can hardly be said to -conduce very much to either one’s health or one’s happiness, -in order to get up to town I have always pretended to have a younger -brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into -the most dreadful scrapes. That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth -pure and simple.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> The truth is rarely pure and never simple. -Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature -a complete impossibility!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> That wouldn’t be at all a bad thing.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear -fellow. Don’t try it. You should leave that to people -who haven’t been at a University. They do it so well in -the daily papers. What you really are is a Bunburyist. I -was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist. You are one of -the most advanced Bunburyists I know.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> What on earth do you mean?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> You have invented a very useful younger brother -called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often -as you like. I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called -Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever -I choose. Bunbury is perfectly invaluable. If it wasn’t -for Bunbury’s extraordinary bad health, for instance, I wouldn’t -be able to dine with you at Willis’s to-night, for I have been -really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I haven’t asked you to dine with me anywhere -to-night.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I know. You are absurdly careless about -sending out invitations. It is very foolish of you. Nothing -annoys people so much as not receiving invitations.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I haven’t the smallest intention of -doing anything of the kind. To begin with, I dined there on Monday, -and once a week is quite enough to dine with one’s own relations. -In the second place, whenever I do dine there I am always treated as -a member of the family, and sent down with either no woman at all, or -two. In the third place, I know perfectly well whom she will place -me next to, to-night. She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who -always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table. That -is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and -that sort of thing is enormously on the increase. The amount of -women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. -It looks so bad. It is simply washing one’s clean linen -in public. Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist -I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying. I want to tell -you the rules.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I’m not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen -accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I’ll -kill him in any case. Cecily is a little too much interested in -him. It is rather a bore. So I am going to get rid of Ernest. -And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr . . . with your invalid -friend who has the absurd name.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, -and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, -you will be very glad to know Bunbury. A man who marries without -knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> That is nonsense. If I marry a charming -girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life -that I would marry, I certainly won’t want to know Bunbury.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Then your wife will. You don’t -seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Sententiously.] That, my dear young friend, -is the theory that the corrupt French Drama has been propounding for -the last fifty years.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes; and that the happy English home has proved -in half the time.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> For heaven’s sake, don’t try to be -cynical. It’s perfectly easy to be cynical.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> My dear fellow, it isn’t easy to be -anything nowadays. There’s such a lot of beastly competition -about. [The sound of an electric bell is heard.] Ah! that -must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring -in that Wagnerian manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for -ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, -may I dine with you to-night at Willis’s?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I suppose so, if you want to.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, but you must be serious about it. -I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow -of them.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Lane</b>.]</p> -<p>Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.</p> -<p>[<b>Algernon</b> goes forward to meet them. Enter <b>Lady Bracknell</b> -and <b>Gwendolen</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope -you are behaving very well.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I’m feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> That’s not quite the same thing. -In fact the two things rarely go together. [Sees <b>Jack</b> and -bows to him with icy coldness.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [To <b>Gwendolen</b>.] Dear me, you -are smart!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. Worthing?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> You’re quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Oh! I hope I am not that. It would -leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions. -[<b>Gwendolen</b> and <b>Jack</b> sit down together in the corner.]</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I’m sorry if we are a little late, -Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn’t -been there since her poor husband’s death. I never saw a -woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger. And now -I’ll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches -you promised me.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over -to tea-table.]</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Won’t you come and sit here, Gwendolen?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Thanks, mamma, I’m quite comfortable -where I am.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Picking up empty plate in horror.] -Good heavens! Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? -I ordered them specially.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> [Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the -market this morning, sir. I went down twice.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> No cucumbers!</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> No, sir. Not even for ready money.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> That will do, Lane, thank you.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Thank you, sir. [Goes out.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about -there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> It really makes no matter, Algernon. -I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living -entirely for pleasure now.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I hear her hair has turned quite gold from -grief.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> It certainly has changed its colour. -From what cause I, of course, cannot say. [<b>Algernon</b> crosses -and hands tea.] Thank you. I’ve quite a treat for -you to-night, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary -Farquhar. She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. -It’s delightful to watch them.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to -give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after all.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Frowning.] I hope not, Algernon. -It would put my table completely out. Your uncle would have to -dine upstairs. Fortunately he is accustomed to that.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, -a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram -to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again. [Exchanges -glances with <b>Jack</b>.] They seem to think I should be with -him.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury -seems to suffer from curiously bad health.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think -it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going -to live or to die. This shilly-shallying with the question is -absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with -invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly -a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty -of life. I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never -seems to take much notice . . . as far as any improvement in his ailment -goes. I should be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from -me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely -on you to arrange my music for me. It is my last reception, and -one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at -the end of the season when every one has practically said whatever they -had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I’ll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, -if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he’ll -be all right by Saturday. Of course the music is a great difficulty. -You see, if one plays good music, people don’t listen, and if -one plays bad music people don’t talk. But I’ll run -over the programme I’ve drawn out, if you will kindly come into -the next room for a moment.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Thank you, Algernon. It is very -thoughtful of you. [Rising, and following <b>Algernon</b>.] -I’m sure the programme will be delightful, after a few expurgations. -French songs I cannot possibly allow. People always seem to think -that they are improper, and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or -laugh, which is worse. But German sounds a thoroughly respectable -language, and indeed, I believe is so. Gwendolen, you will accompany -me.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Certainly, mamma.</p> -<p>[<b>Lady Bracknell</b> and <b>Algernon</b> go into the music-room, -<b>Gwendolen</b> remains behind.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Pray don’t talk to me about the weather, -Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I -always feel quite certain that they mean something else. And that -makes me so nervous.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I do mean something else.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I thought so. In fact, I am never wrong.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> And I would like to be allowed to take advantage -of Lady Bracknell’s temporary absence . . .</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I would certainly advise you to do so. -Mamma has a way of coming back suddenly into a room that I have often -had to speak to her about.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Nervously.] Miss Fairfax, ever since I -met you I have admired you more than any girl . . . I have ever met -since . . . I met you.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact. -And I often wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative. -For me you have always had an irresistible fascination. Even before -I met you I was far from indifferent to you. [<b>Jack</b> looks -at her in amazement.] We live, as I hope you know, Mr Worthing, -in an age of ideals. The fact is constantly mentioned in the more -expensive monthly magazines, and has reached the provincial pulpits, -I am told; and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name -of Ernest. There is something in that name that inspires absolute -confidence. The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he -had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> You really love me, Gwendolen?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Passionately!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Darling! You don’t know how happy -you’ve made me.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> My own Ernest!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> But you don’t really mean to say that you -couldn’t love me if my name wasn’t Ernest?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> But your name is Ernest.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was -something else? Do you mean to say you couldn’t love me -then?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Glibly.] Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical -speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little -reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, -I don’t much care about the name of Ernest . . . I don’t -think the name suits me at all.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> It suits you perfectly. It is a divine -name. It has a music of its own. It produces vibrations.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think -there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, -a charming name.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Jack? . . . No, there is very little music -in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. -It produces absolutely no vibrations . . . I have known several Jacks, -and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. -Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity -any woman who is married to a man called John. She would probably -never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment’s -solitude. The only really safe name is Ernest</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Gwendolen, I must get christened at once—I -mean we must get married at once. There is no time to be lost.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Married, Mr. Worthing?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Astounded.] Well . . . surely. You -know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that -you were not absolutely indifferent to me.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I adore you. But you haven’t -proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage. -The subject has not even been touched on.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well . . . may I propose to you now?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I think it would be an admirable opportunity. -And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think -it only fair to tell you quite frankly before-hand that I am fully determined -to accept you.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Gwendolen!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say -to me?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> You know what I have got to say to you.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Yes, but you don’t say it.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Gwendolen, will you marry me? [Goes on his -knees.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Of course I will, darling. How long -you have been about it! I am afraid you have had very little experience -in how to propose.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> My own one, I have never loved any one in the -world but you.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Yes, but men often propose for practice. -I know my brother Gerald does. All my girl-friends tell me so. -What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest! They are quite, quite, -blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially -when there are other people present. [Enter <b>Lady Bracknell</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from -this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Mamma! [He tries to rise; she restrains -him.] I must beg you to retire. This is no place for you. -Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Finished what, may I ask?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma. -[They rise together.]</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Pardon me, you are not engaged to any -one. When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, -should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact. An -engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, -as the case may be. It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed -to arrange for herself . . . And now I have a few questions to put to -you, Mr. Worthing. While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, -will wait for me below in the carriage.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Reproachfully.] Mamma!</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> In the carriage, Gwendolen! [<b>Gwendolen</b> -goes to the door. She and <b>Jack</b> blow kisses to each other -behind <b>Lady Bracknell’s</b> back. <b>Lady Bracknell</b> -looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was. -Finally turns round.] Gwendolen, the carriage!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Yes, mamma. [Goes out, looking back -at <b>Jack</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Sitting down.] You can take a -seat, Mr. Worthing.</p> -<p>[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Pencil and note-book in hand.] -I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible -young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton -has. We work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready -to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate -mother requires. Do you smoke?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I am glad to hear it. A man should -always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many -idle men in London as it is. How old are you?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Twenty-nine.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> A very good age to be married at. -I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married -should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [After some hesitation.] I know nothing, -Lady Bracknell.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I am pleased to hear it. I do -not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance -is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. -The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately -in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. -If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and -probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square. What is -your income?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Between seven and eight thousand a year.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Makes a note in her book.] In -land, or in investments?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> In investments, chiefly.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> That is satisfactory. What between -the duties expected of one during one’s lifetime, and the duties -exacted from one after one’s death, land has ceased to be either -a profit or a pleasure. It gives one position, and prevents one -from keeping it up. That’s all that can be said about land.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I have a country house with some land, of course, -attached to it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don’t -depend on that for my real income. In fact, as far as I can make -out, the poachers are the only people who make anything out of it.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> A country house! How many bedrooms? -Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards. You have a town -house, I hope? A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, -could hardly be expected to reside in the country.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it -is let by the year to Lady Bloxham. Of course, I can get it back -whenever I like, at six months’ notice.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Lady Bloxham? I don’t know -her.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, she goes about very little. She is a -lady considerably advanced in years.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of -respectability of character. What number in Belgrave Square?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> 149.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Shaking her head.] The unfashionable -side. I thought there was something. However, that could -easily be altered.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Do you mean the fashion, or the side?</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Sternly.] Both, if necessary, -I presume. What are your polities?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, I am afraid I really have none. I -am a Liberal Unionist.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Oh, they count as Tories. They -dine with us. Or come in the evening, at any rate. Now to -minor matters. Are your parents living?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I have lost both my parents.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may -be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. -Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. -Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, -or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I am afraid I really don’t know. The -fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents. It would -be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me . . -. I don’t actually know who I am by birth. I was . . . well, -I was found.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Found!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of -a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the -name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for -Worthing in his pocket at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. -It is a seaside resort.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Where did the charitable gentleman who -had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Gravely.] In a hand-bag.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> A hand-bag?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Very seriously.] Yes, Lady Bracknell. -I was in a hand-bag—a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, -with handles to it—an ordinary hand-bag in fact.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> In what locality did this Mr. James, -or Thomas, Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> In the cloak-room at Victoria Station. It -was given to him in mistake for his own.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> The cloak-room at Victoria Station?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Yes. The Brighton line.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, -I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. -To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles -or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies -of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French -Revolution. And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement -led to? As for the particular locality in which the hand-bag was -found, a cloak-room at a railway station might serve to conceal a social -indiscretion—has probably, indeed, been used for that purpose -before now-but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a -recognised position in good society.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> May I ask you then what you would advise me to -do? I need hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensure -Gwendolen’s happiness.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, -to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a -definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before -the season is quite over.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, I don’t see how I could possibly manage -to do that. I can produce the hand-bag at any moment. It -is in my dressing-room at home. I really think that should satisfy -you, Lady Bracknell.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Me, sir! What has it to do with -me? You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream -of allowing our only daughter—a girl brought up with the utmost -care—to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel? -Good morning, Mr. Worthing!</p> -<p>[<b>Lady Bracknell</b> sweeps out in majestic indignation.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Good morning! [<b>Algernon</b>, from the -other room, strikes up the Wedding March. Jack looks perfectly -furious, and goes to the door.] For goodness’ sake don’t -play that ghastly tune, Algy. How idiotic you are!</p> -<p>[The music stops and <b>Algernon</b> enters cheerily.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Didn’t it go off all right, old boy? -You don’t mean to say Gwendolen refused you? I know it is -a way she has. She is always refusing people. I think it -is most ill-natured of her.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet. As -far as she is concerned, we are engaged. Her mother is perfectly -unbearable. Never met such a Gorgon . . . I don’t really -know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell -is one. In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which -is rather unfair . . . I beg your pardon, Algy, I suppose I shouldn’t -talk about your own aunt in that way before you.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. -It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations -are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest -knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, that is nonsense!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> It isn’t!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, I won’t argue about the matter. -You always want to argue about things.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> That is exactly what things were originally -made for.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Upon my word, if I thought that, I’d shoot -myself . . . [A pause.] You don’t think there is any chance -of Gwendolen becoming like her mother in about a hundred and fifty years, -do you, Algy?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> All women become like their mothers. -That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Is that clever?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true -as any observation in civilised life should be.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody -is clever nowadays. You can’t go anywhere without meeting -clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. -I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> We have.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I should extremely like to meet them. What -do they talk about?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> The fools? Oh! about the clever people, -of course.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> What fools!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth -about your being Ernest in town, and Jack in the country?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [In a very patronising manner.] My dear -fellow, the truth isn’t quite the sort of thing one tells to a -nice, sweet, refined girl. What extraordinary ideas you have about -the way to behave to a woman!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> The only way to behave to a woman is to make -love to her, if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, that is nonsense.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> What about your brother? What about -the profligate Ernest?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got -rid of him. I’ll say he died in Paris of apoplexy. -Lots of people die of apoplexy, quite suddenly, don’t they?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, but it’s hereditary, my dear fellow. -It’s a sort of thing that runs in families. You had much -better say a severe chill.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> You are sure a severe chill isn’t hereditary, -or anything of that kind?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Of course it isn’t!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Very well, then. My poor brother Ernest -to carried off suddenly, in Paris, by a severe chill. That gets -rid of him.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> But I thought you said that . . . Miss Cardew -was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest? -Won’t she feel his loss a good deal?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, that is all right. Cecily is not a silly -romantic girl, I am glad to say. She has got a capital appetite, -goes long walks, and pays no attention at all to her lessons.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I would rather like to see Cecily.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I will take very good care you never do. -She is excessively pretty, and she is only just eighteen.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have -an excessively pretty ward who is only just eighteen?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh! one doesn’t blurt these things out to -people. Cecily and Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely -great friends. I’ll bet you anything you like that half -an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other sister.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Women only do that when they have called each -other a lot of other things first. Now, my dear boy, if we want -to get a good table at Willis’s, we really must go and dress. -Do you know it is nearly seven?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Irritably.] Oh! It always is nearly -seven.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, I’m hungry.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I never knew you when you weren’t . . .</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> What shall we do after dinner? Go to -a theatre?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh no! I loathe listening.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, let us go to the Club?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, no! I hate talking.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, we might trot round to the Empire at -ten?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, no! I can’t bear looking at things. -It is so silly.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, what shall we do?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Nothing!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> It is awfully hard work doing nothing. -However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object -of any kind.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Lane</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Miss Fairfax.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Gwendolen</b>. <b>Lane</b> goes out.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Gwendolen, upon my word!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Algy, kindly turn your back. I have -something very particular to say to Mr. Worthing.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Really, Gwendolen, I don’t think I can -allow this at all.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral -attitude towards life. You are not quite old enough to do that. -[<b>Algernon</b> retires to the fireplace.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> My own darling!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Ernest, we may never be married. From -the expression on mamma’s face I fear we never shall. Few -parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them. -The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out. Whatever -influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the age of three. But -although she may prevent us from becoming man and wife, and I may marry -some one else, and marry often, nothing that she can possibly do can -alter my eternal devotion to you.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Dear Gwendolen!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> The story of your romantic origin, as related -to me by mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the -deeper fibres of my nature. Your Christian name has an irresistible -fascination. The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely -incomprehensible to me. Your town address at the Albany I have. -What is your address in the country?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire.</p> -<p>[<b>Algernon</b>, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, -and writes the address on his shirt-cuff. Then picks up the Railway -Guide.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> There is a good postal service, I suppose? -It may be necessary to do something desperate. That of course -will require serious consideration. I will communicate with you -daily.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> My own one!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> How long do you remain in town?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Till Monday.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Good! Algy, you may turn round now.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Thanks, I’ve turned round already.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> You may also ring the bell.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> You will let me see you to your carriage, my own -darling?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Certainly.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [To <b>Lane</b>, who now enters.] I will -see Miss Fairfax out.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Yes, sir. [<b>Jack</b> and <b>Gwendolen</b> -go off.]</p> -<p>[<b>Lane</b> presents several letters on a salver to <b>Algernon</b>. -It is to be surmised that they are bills, as <b>Algernon</b>, after -looking at the envelopes, tears them up.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> A glass of sherry, Lane.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Yes, sir.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> To-morrow, Lane, I’m going Bunburying.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Yes, sir.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I shall probably not be back till Monday. -You can put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury -suits . . .</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> Yes, sir. [Handing sherry.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> It never is, sir.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Lane, you’re a perfect pessimist.</p> -<p><b>Lane.</b> I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Jack</b>. <b>Lane</b> goes off.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> There’s a sensible, intellectual girl! the -only girl I ever cared for in my life. [<b>Algernon</b> is laughing -immoderately.] What on earth are you so amused at?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Oh, I’m a little anxious about poor -Bunbury, that is all.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> If you don’t take care, your friend Bunbury -will get you into a serious scrape some day.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I love scrapes. They are the only things -that are never serious.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, that’s nonsense, Algy. You never -talk anything but nonsense.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Nobody ever does.</p> -<p>[<b>Jack</b> looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room. -<b>Algernon</b> lights a cigarette, reads his shirt-cuff, and smiles.]</p> -<p>ACT DROP</p> -<h2>SECOND ACT</h2> -<h3>SCENE</h3> -<p>Garden at the Manor House. A flight of grey stone steps leads -up to the house. The garden, an old-fashioned one, full of roses. -Time of year, July. Basket chairs, and a table covered with books, -are set under a large yew-tree.</p> -<p>[<b>Miss Prism</b> discovered seated at the table. <b>Cecily</b> -is at the back watering flowers.]</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Calling.] Cecily, Cecily! Surely -such a utilitarian occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Moulton’s -duty than yours? Especially at a moment when intellectual pleasures -await you. Your German grammar is on the table. Pray open -it at page fifteen. We will repeat yesterday’s lesson.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Coming over very slowly.] But I don’t -like German. It isn’t at all a becoming language. -I know perfectly well that I look quite plain after my German lesson.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Child, you know how anxious your guardian -is that you should improve yourself in every way. He laid particular -stress on your German, as he was leaving for town yesterday. Indeed, -he always lays stress on your German when he is leaving for town.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious! Sometimes -he is so serious that I think he cannot be quite well.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Drawing herself up.] Your guardian -enjoys the best of health, and his gravity of demeanour is especially -to be commended in one so comparatively young as he is. I know -no one who has a higher sense of duty and responsibility.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I suppose that is why he often looks a little -bored when we three are together.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Cecily! I am surprised at you. -Mr. Worthing has many troubles in his life. Idle merriment and -triviality would be out of place in his conversation. You must -remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man his brother.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate -young man, his brother, to come down here sometimes. We might -have a good influence over him, Miss Prism. I am sure you certainly -would. You know German, and geology, and things of that kind influence -a man very much. [<b>Cecily</b> begins to write in her diary.]</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Shaking her head.] I do not think -that even I could produce any effect on a character that according to -his own brother’s admission is irretrievably weak and vacillating. -Indeed I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him. I am -not in favour of this modern mania for turning bad people into good -people at a moment’s notice. As a man sows so let him reap. -You must put away your diary, Cecily. I really don’t see -why you should keep a diary at all.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful -secrets of my life. If I didn’t write them down, I should -probably forget all about them.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that -we all carry about with us.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that -have never happened, and couldn’t possibly have happened. -I believe that Memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume -novels that Mudie sends us.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume -novel, Cecily. I wrote one myself in earlier days.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully -clever you are! I hope it did not end happily? I don’t -like novels that end happily. They depress me so much.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. -That is what Fiction means.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. -And was your novel ever published?</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Alas! no. The manuscript unfortunately -was abandoned. [<b>Cecily</b> starts.] I use the word in -the sense of lost or mislaid. To your work, child, these speculations -are profitless.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Smiling.] But I see dear Dr. Chasuble -coming up through the garden.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Rising and advancing.] Dr. Chasuble! -This is indeed a pleasure.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Canon Chasuble</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, -you are, I trust, well?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight -headache. I think it would do her so much good to have a short -stroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about -a headache.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt -instinctively that you had a headache. Indeed I was thinking about -that, and not about my German lesson, when the Rector came in.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh, I am afraid I am.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> That is strange. Were I fortunate enough -to be Miss Prism’s pupil, I would hang upon her lips. [<b>Miss -Prism</b> glares.] I spoke metaphorically.—My metaphor was -drawn from bees. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has not -returned from town yet?</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> We do not expect him till Monday afternoon.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday -in London. He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, -as, by all accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to -be. But I must not disturb Egeria and her pupil any longer.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Egeria? My name is Lætitia, -Doctor.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Bowing.] A classical allusion merely, -drawn from the Pagan authors. I shall see you both no doubt at -Evensong?</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll -with you. I find I have a headache after all, and a walk might -do it good.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. -We might go as far as the schools and back.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> That would be delightful. Cecily, -you will read your Political Economy in my absence. The chapter -on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. -Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side.</p> -<p>[Goes down the garden with <b>Dr. Chasuble</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Picks up books and throws them back on table.] -Horrid Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid -German!</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b> with a card on a salver.]</p> -<p><b>Merriman</b>. Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from -the station. He has brought his luggage with him.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Takes the card and reads it.] ‘Mr. -Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany, W.’ Uncle Jack’s -brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town?</p> -<p><b>Merriman</b>. Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. -I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said -he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. -I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him.</p> -<p><b>Merriman</b>. Yes, Miss.</p> -<p>[<b>Merriman</b> goes off.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I have never met any really wicked person before. -I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like -every one else.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Algernon</b>, very gay and debonnair.] He does!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Raising his hat.] You are my little -cousin Cecily, I’m sure.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> You are under some strange mistake. I -am not little. In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall -for my age. [<b>Algernon</b> is rather taken aback.] But -I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from your card, are Uncle -Jack’s brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin -Cecily. You mustn’t think that I am wicked.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> If you are not, then you have certainly been -deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have -not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really -good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Looks at her in amazement.] Oh! -Of course I have been rather reckless.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I am glad to hear it.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> In fact, now you mention the subject, I have -been very bad in my own small way.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I don’t think you should be so proud of -that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> It is much pleasanter being here with you.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I can’t understand how you are here at -all. Uncle Jack won’t be back till Monday afternoon.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> That is a great disappointment. I am -obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning. I have -a business appointment that I am anxious . . . to miss?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Couldn’t you miss it anywhere but in London?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> No: the appointment is in London.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Well, I know, of course, how important it is -not to keep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense -of the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle -Jack arrives. I know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> About my what?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy -your outfit.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I certainly wouldn’t let Jack buy my -outfit. He has no taste in neckties at all.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I don’t think you will require neckties. -Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Australia! I’d sooner die.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, -that you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and -Australia.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Oh, well! The accounts I have received -of Australia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging. -This world is good enough for me, cousin Cecily.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Yes, but are you good enough for it?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I’m afraid I’m not that. -That is why I want you to reform me. You might make that your -mission, if you don’t mind, cousin Cecily.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I’m afraid I’ve no time, this afternoon.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, would you mind my reforming myself this -afternoon?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think -you should try.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I will. I feel better already.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> You are looking a little worse.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> That is because I am hungry.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered -that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular -and wholesome meals. Won’t you come in?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole -first? I never have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> A Marechal Niel? [Picks up scissors.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> No, I’d sooner have a pink rose.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Why? [Cuts a flower.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I don’t think it can be right for you -to talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such things to -me.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady. -[<b>Cecily</b> puts the rose in his buttonhole.] You are the prettiest -girl I ever saw.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> They are a snare that every sensible man would -like to be caught in.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh, I don’t think I would care to catch -a sensible man. I shouldn’t know what to talk to him about.</p> -<p>[They pass into the house. <b>Miss Prism</b> and <b>Dr. Chasuble</b> -return.]</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. -You should get married. A misanthrope I can understand—a -womanthrope, never!</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [With a scholar’s shudder.] Believe -me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase. The precept as well -as the practice of the Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Sententiously.] That is obviously -the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present -day. And you do not seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persistently -remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation. -Men should be more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels -astray.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> But is a man not equally attractive when married?</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> No married man is ever attractive except -to his wife.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> And often, I’ve been told, not even -to her.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> That depends on the intellectual sympathies -of the woman. Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness -can be trusted. Young women are green. [<b>Dr. Chasuble</b> -starts.] I spoke horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn -from fruits. But where is Cecily?</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Perhaps she followed us to the schools.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Jack</b> slowly from the back of the garden. He is -dressed in the deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves.]</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Mr. Worthing!</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Mr. Worthing?</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> This is indeed a surprise. We did -not look for you till Monday afternoon.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Shakes <b>Miss Prism’s</b> hand in a tragic -manner.] I have returned sooner than I expected. Dr. Chasuble, -I hope you are well?</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe -does not betoken some terrible calamity?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> My brother.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> More shameful debts and extravagance?</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Still leading his life of pleasure?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Shaking his head.] Dead!</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Your brother Ernest dead?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Quite dead.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> What a lesson for him! I trust he -will profit by it.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence. -You have at least the consolation of knowing that you were always the -most generous and forgiving of brothers.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Poor Ernest! He had many faults, but it -is a sad, sad blow.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Very sad indeed. Were you with him at -the end?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> No. He died abroad; in Paris, in fact. -I had a telegram last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Was the cause of death mentioned?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> A severe chill, it seems.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> As a man sows, so shall he reap.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Raising his hand.] Charity, dear Miss -Prism, charity! None of us are perfect. I myself am peculiarly -susceptible to draughts. Will the interment take place here?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> No. He seems to have expressed a desire -to be buried in Paris.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> In Paris! [Shakes his head.] I -fear that hardly points to any very serious state of mind at the last. -You would no doubt wish me to make some slight allusion to this tragic -domestic affliction next Sunday. [<b>Jack</b> presses his hand -convulsively.] My sermon on the meaning of the manna in the wilderness -can be adapted to almost any occasion, joyful, or, as in the present -case, distressing. [All sigh.] I have preached it at harvest -celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on days of humiliation and -festal days. The last time I delivered it was in the Cathedral, -as a charity sermon on behalf of the Society for the Prevention of Discontent -among the Upper Orders. The Bishop, who was present, was much -struck by some of the analogies I drew.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Ah! that reminds me, you mentioned christenings -I think, Dr. Chasuble? I suppose you know how to christen all -right? [<b>Dr. Chasuble</b> looks astounded.] I mean, of -course, you are continually christening, aren’t you?</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector’s -most constant duties in this parish. I have often spoken to the -poorer classes on the subject. But they don’t seem to know -what thrift is.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> But is there any particular infant in whom -you are interested, Mr. Worthing? Your brother was, I believe, -unmarried, was he not?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh yes.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Bitterly.] People who live entirely -for pleasure usually are.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> But it is not for any child, dear Doctor. -I am very fond of children. No! the fact is, I would like to be -christened myself, this afternoon, if you have nothing better to do.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been christened -already?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I don’t remember anything about it.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> But have you any grave doubts on the subject?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I certainly intend to have. Of course I -don’t know if the thing would bother you in any way, or if you -think I am a little too old now.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Not at all. The sprinkling, and, indeed, -the immersion of adults is a perfectly canonical practice.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Immersion!</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling -is all that is necessary, or indeed I think advisable. Our weather -is so changeable. At what hour would you wish the ceremony performed?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh, I might trot round about five if that would -suit you.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Perfectly, perfectly! In fact I have -two similar ceremonies to perform at that time. A case of twins -that occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your own estate. -Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hard-working man.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh! I don’t see much fun in being -christened along with other babies. It would be childish. -Would half-past five do?</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Admirably! Admirably! [Takes out -watch.] And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer -into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much -bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings -in disguise.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> This seems to me a blessing of an extremely -obvious kind.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Cecily</b> from the house.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you -back. But what horrid clothes you have got on! Do go and -change them.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Cecily!</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> My child! my child! [<b>Cecily</b> goes -towards <b>Jack</b>; he kisses her brow in a melancholy manner.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look -happy! You look as if you had toothache, and I have got such a -surprise for you. Who do you think is in the dining-room? -Your brother!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Who?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Your brother Ernest. He arrived about -half an hour ago.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> What nonsense! I haven’t got a brother.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh, don’t say that. However badly -he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your brother. -You couldn’t be so heartless as to disown him. I’ll -tell him to come out. And you will shake hands with him, won’t -you, Uncle Jack? [Runs back into the house.]</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> These are very joyful tidings.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> After we had all been resigned to his loss, -his sudden return seems to me peculiarly distressing.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> My brother is in the dining-room? I don’t -know what it all means. I think it is perfectly absurd.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Algernon</b> and <b>Cecily</b> hand in hand. They -come slowly up to <b>Jack</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Good heavens! [Motions <b>Algernon</b> away.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Brother John, I have come down from town to -tell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, -and that I intend to lead a better life in the future. [<b>Jack</b> -glares at him and does not take his hand.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your -own brother’s hand?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Nothing will induce me to take his hand. -I think his coming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well -why.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some -good in every one. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor -invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often. And -surely there must be much good in one who is kind to an invalid, and -leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, -and his terrible state of health.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Bunbury! Well, I won’t have him talk -to you about Bunbury or about anything else. It is enough to drive -one perfectly frantic.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Of course I admit that the faults were all -on my side. But I must say that I think that Brother John’s -coldness to me is peculiarly painful. I expected a more enthusiastic -welcome, especially considering it is the first time I have come here.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Uncle Jack, if you don’t shake hands with -Ernest I will never forgive you.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Never forgive me?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Never, never, never!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it. -[Shakes with <b>Algernon</b> and glares.]</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> It’s pleasant, is it not, to see so -perfect a reconciliation? I think we might leave the two brothers -together.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Cecily, you will come with us.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task -of reconciliation is over.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear -child.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> We must not be premature in our judgments.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I feel very happy. [They all go off except -<b>Jack</b> and <b>Algernon</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of -this place as soon as possible. I don’t allow any Bunburying -here.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Merriman</b>. I have put Mr. Ernest’s things in the -room next to yours, sir. I suppose that is all right?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> What?</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> Mr. Ernest’s luggage, sir. I have -unpacked it and put it in the room next to your own.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> His luggage?</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case, -two hat-boxes, and a large luncheon-basket.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I am afraid I can’t stay more than a -week this time.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Merriman, order the dog-cart at once. Mr. -Ernest has been suddenly called back to town.</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> Yes, sir. [Goes back into the house.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> What a fearful liar you are, Jack. I -have not been called back to town at all.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Yes, you have.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I haven’t heard any one call me.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Your duty as a gentleman calls you back.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> My duty as a gentleman has never interfered -with my pleasures in the smallest degree.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I can quite understand that.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, Cecily is a darling.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that. -I don’t like it.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, I don’t like your clothes. -You look perfectly ridiculous in them. Why on earth don’t -you go up and change? It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning -for a man who is actually staying for a whole week with you in your -house as a guest. I call it grotesque.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> You are certainly not staying with me for a whole -week as a guest or anything else. You have got to leave . . . -by the four-five train.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I certainly won’t leave you so long -as you are in mourning. It would be most unfriendly. If -I were in mourning you would stay with me, I suppose. I should -think it very unkind if you didn’t.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, will you go if I change my clothes?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, if you are not too long. I never -saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, at any rate, that is better than being always -over-dressed as you are.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, -I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, -and your presence in my garden utterly absurd. However, you have -got to catch the four-five, and I hope you will have a pleasant journey -back to town. This Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a -great success for you.</p> -<p>[Goes into the house.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I think it has been a great success. -I’m in love with Cecily, and that is everything.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Cecily</b> at the back of the garden. She picks up -the can and begins to water the flowers.] But I must see her before -I go, and make arrangements for another Bunbury. Ah, there she -is.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh, I merely came back to water the roses. -I thought you were with Uncle Jack.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> He’s gone to order the dog-cart for -me.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> He’s going to send me away.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Then have we got to part?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I am afraid so. It’s a very painful -parting.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> It is always painful to part from people whom -one has known for a very brief space of time. The absence of old -friends one can endure with equanimity. But even a momentary separation -from anyone to whom one has just been introduced is almost unbearable.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Thank you.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> The dog-cart is at the door, sir. [<b>Algernon</b> -looks appealingly at <b>Cecily</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> It can wait, Merriman for . . . five minutes.</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> Yes, Miss. [Exit <b>Merriman</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if -I state quite frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every -way the visible personification of absolute perfection.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I think your frankness does you great credit, -Ernest. If you will allow me, I will copy your remarks into my -diary. [Goes over to table and begins writing in diary.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Do you really keep a diary? I’d -give anything to look at it. May I?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh no. [Puts her hand over it.] -You see, it is simply a very young girl’s record of her own thoughts -and impressions, and consequently meant for publication. When -it appears in volume form I hope you will order a copy. But pray, -Ernest, don’t stop. I delight in taking down from dictation. -I have reached ‘absolute perfection’. You can go on. -I am quite ready for more.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Somewhat taken aback.] Ahem! -Ahem!</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh, don’t cough, Ernest. When one -is dictating one should speak fluently and not cough. Besides, -I don’t know how to spell a cough. [Writes as <b>Algernon</b> -speaks.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Speaking very rapidly.] Cecily, ever -since I first looked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I -have dared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I don’t think that you should tell me -that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. -Hopelessly doesn’t seem to make much sense, does it?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Cecily!</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> The dog-cart is waiting, sir.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Tell it to come round next week, at the same -hour.</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> [Looks at <b>Cecily</b>, who makes no sign.] -Yes, sir.</p> -<p>[<b>Merriman</b> retires.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he -knew you were staying on till next week, at the same hour.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Oh, I don’t care about Jack. I -don’t care for anybody in the whole world but you. I love -you, Cecily. You will marry me, won’t you?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> You silly boy! Of course. Why, we -have been engaged for the last three months.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> For the last three months?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> But how did we become engaged?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed -to us that he had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you -of course have formed the chief topic of conversation between myself -and Miss Prism. And of course a man who is much talked about is -always very attractive. One feels there must be something in him, -after all. I daresay it was foolish of me, but I fell in love -with you, Ernest.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Darling! And when was the engagement -actually settled?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> On the 14th of February last. Worn out -by your entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter -one way or the other, and after a long struggle with myself I accepted -you under this dear old tree here. The next day I bought this -little ring in your name, and this is the little bangle with the true -lover’s knot I promised you always to wear.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Did I give you this? It’s very -pretty, isn’t it?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Yes, you’ve wonderfully good taste, Ernest. -It’s the excuse I’ve always given for your leading such -a bad life. And this is the box in which I keep all your dear -letters. [Kneels at table, opens box, and produces letters tied -up with blue ribbon.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> My letters! But, my own sweet Cecily, -I have never written you any letters.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest. -I remember only too well that I was forced to write your letters for -you. I wrote always three times a week, and sometimes oftener.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Oh, do let me read them, Cecily?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh, I couldn’t possibly. They would -make you far too conceited. [Replaces box.] The three you -wrote me after I had broken of the engagement are so beautiful, and -so badly spelled, that even now I can hardly read them without crying -a little.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> But was our engagement ever broken off?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Of course it was. On the 22nd of last -March. You can see the entry if you like. [Shows diary.] -‘To-day I broke off my engagement with Ernest. I feel it -is better to do so. The weather still continues charming.’</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> But why on earth did you break it off? -What had I done? I had done nothing at all. Cecily, I am -very much hurt indeed to hear you broke it off. Particularly when -the weather was so charming.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> It would hardly have been a really serious engagement -if it hadn’t been broken off at least once. But I forgave -you before the week was out.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Crossing to her, and kneeling.] What -a perfect angel you are, Cecily.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> You dear romantic boy. [He kisses her, -she puts her fingers through his hair.] I hope your hair curls -naturally, does it?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, darling, with a little help from others.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I am so glad.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> You’ll never break off our engagement -again, Cecily?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I don’t think I could break it off now -that I have actually met you. Besides, of course, there is the -question of your name.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, of course. [Nervously.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had -always been a girlish dream of mine to love some one whose name was -Ernest. [<b>Algernon</b> rises, <b>Cecily</b> also.] There -is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute confidence. -I pity any poor married woman whose husband is not called Ernest.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> But, my dear child, do you mean to say you -could not love me if I had some other name?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> But what name?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Oh, any name you like—Algernon—for -instance . . .</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> But I don’t like the name of Algernon.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, -I really can’t see why you should object to the name of Algernon. -It is not at all a bad name. In fact, it is rather an aristocratic -name. Half of the chaps who get into the Bankruptcy Court are -called Algernon. But seriously, Cecily . . . [Moving to her] . -. . if my name was Algy, couldn’t you love me?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Rising.] I might respect you, Ernest, -I might admire your character, but I fear that I should not be able -to give you my undivided attention.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Ahem! Cecily! [Picking up hat.] -Your Rector here is, I suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice -of all the rites and ceremonials of the Church?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned -man. He has never written a single book, so you can imagine how -much he knows.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I must see him at once on a most important -christening—I mean on most important business.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I shan’t be away more than half an hour.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Considering that we have been engaged since -February the 14th, and that I only met you to-day for the first time, -I think it is rather hard that you should leave me for so long a period -as half an hour. Couldn’t you make it twenty minutes?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I’ll be back in no time.</p> -<p>[Kisses her and rushes down the garden.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> What an impetuous boy he is! I like his -hair so much. I must enter his proposal in my diary.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. -Worthing. On very important business, Miss Fairfax states.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Isn’t Mr. Worthing in his library?</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of -the Rectory some time ago.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing -is sure to be back soon. And you can bring tea.</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> Yes, Miss. [Goes out.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Miss Fairfax! I suppose one of the many -good elderly women who are associated with Uncle Jack in some of his -philanthropic work in London. I don’t quite like women who -are interested in philanthropic work. I think it is so forward -of them.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> Miss Fairfax.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Gwendolen</b>.]</p> -<p>[Exit <b>Merriman</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Advancing to meet her.] Pray let me introduce -myself to you. My name is Cecily Cardew.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Cecily Cardew? [Moving to her and shaking -hands.] What a very sweet name! Something tells me that -we are going to be great friends. I like you already more than -I can say. My first impressions of people are never wrong.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> How nice of you to like me so much after we -have known each other such a comparatively short time. Pray sit -down.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Still standing up.] I may call you -Cecily, may I not?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> With pleasure!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> And you will always call me Gwendolen, won’t -you?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> If you wish.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Then that is all quite settled, is it not?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I hope so. [A pause. They both sit -down together.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Perhaps this might be a favourable opportunity -for my mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. -You have never heard of papa, I suppose?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I don’t think so.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad -to say, is entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it should -be. The home seems to me to be the proper sphere for the man. -And certainly once a man begins to neglect his domestic duties he becomes -painfully effeminate, does he not? And I don’t like that. -It makes men so very attractive. Cecily, mamma, whose views on -education are remarkably strict, has brought me up to be extremely short-sighted; -it is part of her system; so do you mind my looking at you through my -glasses?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh! not at all, Gwendolen. I am very fond -of being looked at.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [After examining <b>Cecily</b> carefully -through a lorgnette.] You are here on a short visit, I suppose.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh no! I live here.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Severely.] Really? Your mother, -no doubt, or some female relative of advanced years, resides here also?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh no! I have no mother, nor, in fact, -any relations.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Indeed?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss -Prism, has the arduous task of looking after me.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Your guardian?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Yes, I am Mr. Worthing’s ward.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Oh! It is strange he never mentioned -to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows -more interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news -inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight. [Rising and going -to her.] I am very fond of you, Cecily; I have liked you ever -since I met you! But I am bound to state that now that I know -that you are Mr. Worthing’s ward, I cannot help expressing a wish -you were—well, just a little older than you seem to be—and -not quite so very alluring in appearance. In fact, if I may speak -candidly -</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Pray do! I think that whenever one has -anything unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, -I wish that you were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for -your age. Ernest has a strong upright nature. He is the -very soul of truth and honour. Disloyalty would be as impossible -to him as deception. But even men of the noblest possible moral -character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical -charms of others. Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies -us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were -not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Yes.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is -my guardian. It is his brother—his elder brother.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Sitting down again.] Ernest never -mentioned to me that he had a brother.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I am sorry to say they have not been on good -terms for a long time.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Ah! that accounts for it. And now that -I think of it I have never heard any man mention his brother. -The subject seems distasteful to most men. Cecily, you have lifted -a load from my mind. I was growing almost anxious. It would -have been terrible if any cloud had come across a friendship like ours, -would it not? Of course you are quite, quite sure that it is not -Mr. Ernest Worthing who is your guardian?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Quite sure. [A pause.] In fact, -I am going to be his.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Inquiringly.] I beg your pardon?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Rather shy and confidingly.] Dearest -Gwendolen, there is no reason why I should make a secret of it to you. -Our little county newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week. -Mr. Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Quite politely, rising.] My darling -Cecily, I think there must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing -is engaged to me. The announcement will appear in the <i>Morning -Post</i> on Saturday at the latest.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Very politely, rising.] I am afraid you -must be under some misconception. Ernest proposed to me exactly -ten minutes ago. [Shows diary.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Examines diary through her lorgnettte carefully.] -It is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday -afternoon at 5.30. If you would care to verify the incident, pray -do so. [Produces diary of her own.] I never travel without -my diary. One should always have something sensational to read -in the train. I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any disappointment -to you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> It would distress me more than I can tell you, -dear Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but -I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly -has changed his mind.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Meditatively.] If the poor fellow -has been entrapped into any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty -to rescue him at once, and with a firm hand.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Thoughtfully and sadly.] Whatever unfortunate -entanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach him -with it after we are married.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement? -You are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind it becomes more -than a moral duty to speak one’s mind. It becomes a pleasure.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped -Ernest into an engagement? How dare you? This is no time -for wearing the shallow mask of manners. When I see a spade I -call it a spade.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Satirically.] I am glad to say that -I have never seen a spade. It is obvious that our social spheres -have been widely different.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>, followed by the footman. He carries -a salver, table cloth, and plate stand. <b>Cecily</b> is about -to retort. The presence of the servants exercises a restraining -influence, under which both girls chafe.]</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Sternly, in a calm voice.] Yes, as usual. -[<b>Merriman</b> begins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause. -<b>Cecily</b> and <b>Gwendolen</b> glare at each other.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, -Miss Cardew?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh! yes! a great many. From the top of -one of the hills quite close one can see five counties.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Five counties! I don’t think -I should like that; I hate crowds.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Sweetly.] I suppose that is why you live -in town? [<b>Gwendolen</b> bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously -with her parasol.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Looking round.] Quite a well-kept -garden this is, Miss Cardew.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I had no idea there were any flowers in the -country.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, -as people are in London.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Personally I cannot understand how anybody -manages to exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does. -The country always bores me to death.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural -depression, is it not? I believe the aristocracy are suffering -very much from it just at present. It is almost an epidemic amongst -them, I have been told. May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [With elaborate politeness.] Thank -you. [Aside.] Detestable girl! But I require tea!</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Sweetly.] Sugar?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Superciliously.] No, thank you. -Sugar is not fashionable any more. [<b>Cecily</b> looks angrily at her, -takes up the tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Severely.] Cake or bread and butter?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [In a bored manner.] Bread and butter, -please. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it -on the tray.] Hand that to Miss Fairfax.</p> -<p>[<b>Merriman</b> does so, and goes out with footman. <b>Gwendolen</b> -drinks the tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches -out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake. -Rises in indignation.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, -and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given -me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and -the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, -you may go too far.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Rising.] To save my poor, innocent, trusting -boy from the machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to -which I would not go.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. -I felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived -in such matters. My first impressions of people are invariably -right.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing -on your valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of a -similar character to make in the neighbourhood.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Jack</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Catching sight of him.] Ernest! -My own Ernest!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Gwendolen! Darling! [Offers to kiss -her.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Draws back.] A moment! May I -ask if you are engaged to be married to this young lady? [Points -to <b>Cecily</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Laughing.] To dear little Cecily! -Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty -little head?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Thank you. You may! [Offers her -cheek.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Very sweetly.] I knew there must be some -misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at -present round your waist is my guardian, Mr. John Worthing.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I beg your pardon?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> This is Uncle Jack.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Receding.] Jack! Oh!</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Algernon</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Here is Ernest.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Goes straight over to <b>Cecily</b> without -noticing any one else.] My own love! [Offers to kiss her.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Drawing back.] A moment, Ernest! -May I ask you—are you engaged to be married to this young lady?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Looking round.] To what young lady? -Good heavens! Gwendolen!</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Laughing.] Of course not! What -could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Thank you. [Presenting her cheek to be -kissed.] You may. [<b>Algernon</b> kisses her.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I felt there was some slight error, Miss -Cardew. The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. -Algernon Moncrieff.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Breaking away from <b>Algernon</b>.] -Algernon Moncrieff! Oh! [The two girls move towards each -other and put their arms round each other’s waists protection.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Are you called Algernon?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I cannot deny it.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Oh!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Is your name really John?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Standing rather proudly.] I could deny -it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my -name certainly is John. It has been John for years.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [To <b>Gwendolen</b>.] A gross deception -has been practised on both of us.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> My poor wounded Cecily!</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> My sweet wronged Gwendolen!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Slowly and seriously.] You will call -me sister, will you not? [They embrace. <b>Jack</b> and -<b>Algernon</b> groan and walk up and down.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Rather brightly.] There is just one question -I would like to be allowed to ask my guardian.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there -is just one question I would like to be permitted to put to you. -Where is your brother Ernest? We are both engaged to be married -to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of some importance to us to -know where your brother Ernest is at present.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Slowly and hesitatingly.] Gwendolen—Cecily—it -is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is -the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful -position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the -kind. However, I will tell you quite frankly that I have no brother -Ernest. I have no brother at all. I never had a brother -in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever -having one in the future.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Surprised.] No brother at all?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Cheerily.] None!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [Severely.] Had you never a brother -of any kind?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Pleasantly.] Never. Not even of an -kind.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that -neither of us is engaged to be married to any one.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> It is not a very pleasant position for a young -girl suddenly to find herself in. Is it?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Let us go into the house. They will -hardly venture to come after us there.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> No, men are so cowardly, aren’t they?</p> -<p>[They retire into the house with scornful looks.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> This ghastly state of things is what you call -Bunburying, I suppose?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it -is. The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, you’ve no right whatsoever to Bunbury -here.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury -anywhere one chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, one must be serious about something, -if one wants to have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious -about Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven’t -got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy. -You have such an absolutely trivial nature.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the -whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite -exploded. You won’t be able to run down to the country quite -so often as you used to do, dear Algy. And a very good thing too.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Your brother is a little off colour, isn’t -he, dear Jack? You won’t be able to disappear to London -quite so frequently as your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing -either.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must -say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is -quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I can see no possible defence at all for your -deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like -Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. -I love her.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. -I adore her.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> There is certainly no chance of your marrying -Miss Cardew.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I don’t think there is much likelihood, -Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Well, that is no business of yours.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk -about it. [Begins to eat muffins.] It is very vulgar to -talk about one’s business. Only people like stock-brokers -do that, and then merely at dinner parties.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when -we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem -to me to be perfectly heartless.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated -manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should -always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating -muffins at all, under the circumstances.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing -that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as -any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except -food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because -I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. -[Rising.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Rising.] Well, that is no reason why you -should eat them all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins from <b>Algernon</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Offering tea-cake.] I wish you would -have tea-cake instead. I don’t like tea-cake.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his -own muffins in his own garden.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> But you have just said it was perfectly heartless -to eat muffins.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under -the circumstances. That is a very different thing.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> That may be. But the muffins are the -same. [He seizes the muffin-dish from <b>Jack</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> You can’t possibly ask me to go without -having some dinner. It’s absurd. I never go without -my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like -that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble -to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense -the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble -to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name -of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can’t both -be christened Ernest. It’s absurd. Besides, I have -a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence -at all that I have ever been christened by anybody. I should think -it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It -is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, but I have not been christened for years.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Yes, but you have been christened. That -is the important thing.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Quite so. So I know my constitution -can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your ever having -been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing -on it now. It might make you very unwell. You can hardly -have forgotten that some one very closely connected with you was very -nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill -was not hereditary.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> It usen’t to be, I know—but I -daresay it is now. Science is always making wonderful improvements -in things.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Picking up the muffin-dish.] Oh, that is -nonsense; you are always talking nonsense.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Jack, you are at the muffins again! -I wish you wouldn’t. There are only two left. [Takes -them.] I told you I was particularly fond of muffins.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> But I hate tea-cake.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to -be served up for your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Algernon! I have already told you to go. -I don’t want you here. Why don’t you go!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I haven’t quite finished my tea yet! -and there is still one muffin left. [<b>Jack</b> groans, and sinks -into a chair. <b>Algernon</b> still continues eating.]</p> -<p>ACT DROP</p> -<h2>THIRD ACT</h2> -<h3>SCENE</h3> -<p>Morning-room at the Manor House.</p> -<p>[<b>Gwendolen</b> and <b>Cecily</b> are at the window, looking out -into the garden.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> The fact that they did not follow us at once -into the house, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show -that they have some sense of shame left.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> They have been eating muffins. That looks -like repentance.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [After a pause.] They don’t seem -to notice us at all. Couldn’t you cough?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> But I haven’t got a cough.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> They’re looking at us. What effrontery!</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> They’re approaching. That’s -very forward of them.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Let us preserve a dignified silence.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Certainly. It’s the only thing to -do now. [Enter <b>Jack</b> followed by <b>Algernon</b>. -They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> This dignified silence seems to produce an -unpleasant effect.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> A most distasteful one.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> But we will not be the first to speak.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Certainly not.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular -to ask you. Much depends on your reply.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. -Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Why did -you pretend to be my guardian’s brother?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> In order that I might have an opportunity -of meeting you.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [To <b>Gwendolen</b>.] That certainly -seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Yes, dear, if you can believe him.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I don’t. But that does not affect -the wonderful beauty of his answer.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> True. In matters of grave importance, -style, not sincerity is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation -can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in -order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see -me as often as possible?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. -But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German -scepticism. [Moving to <b>Cecily</b>.] Their explanations -appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing’s. -That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff -said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Then you think we should forgive them?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Yes. I mean no.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> True! I had forgotten. There -are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us -should tell them? The task is not a pleasant one.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Could we not both speak at the same time?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> An excellent idea! I nearly always -speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the time -from me?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Certainly. [<b>Gwendolen</b> beats time -with uplifted finger.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen</b> and <b>Cecily</b> [Speaking together.] Your -Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That is all!</p> -<p><b>Jack</b> and <b>Algernon</b> [Speaking together.] -Our Christian names! Is that all? But we are going to be -christened this afternoon.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [To <b>Jack</b>.] For my sake you are -prepared to do this terrible thing?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I am.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [To <b>Algernon</b>.] To please me you -are ready to face this fearful ordeal?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I am!</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> How absurd to talk of the equality of the -sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are -infinitely beyond us.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> We are. [Clasps hands with <b>Algernon</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> They have moments of physical courage of which -we women know absolutely nothing.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [To <b>Jack</b>.] Darling!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [To <b>Cecily</b>.] Darling! [They -fall into each other’s arms.]</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Merriman</b>. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing -the situation.]</p> -<p><b>Merriman.</b> Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Good heavens!</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Lady Bracknell</b>. The couples separate in alarm. -Exit <b>Merriman</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Gwendolen! What does this mean?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Merely that I am engaged to be married to -Mr. Worthing, mamma.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Come here. Sit down. Sit -down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay -in the young, of physical weakness in the old. [Turns to <b>Jack</b>.] -Apprised, sir, of my daughter’s sudden flight by her trusty maid, -whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her -at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy father is, I am glad to -say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually -lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence -of a permanent income on Thought. I do not propose to undeceive -him. Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question. -I would consider it wrong. But of course, you will clearly understand -that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately -from this moment. On this point, as indeed on all points, I am -firm.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen Lady Bracknell!</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> You are nothing of the kind, sir. -And now, as regards Algernon! . . . Algernon!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, Aunt Augusta.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> May I ask if it is in this house that -your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Stammering.] Oh! No! Bunbury -doesn’t live here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present. -In fact, Bunbury is dead,</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? -His death must have been extremely sudden.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> [Airily.] Oh! I killed Bunbury -this afternoon. I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> What did he die of?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Exploded! Was he the victim of -a revolutionary outrage? I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was -interested in social legislation. If so, he is well punished for -his morbidity.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found -out! The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is -what I mean—so Bunbury died.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> He seems to have had great confidence -in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he -made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and -acted under proper medical advice. And now that we have finally -got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young -person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to -me a peculiarly unnecessary manner?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward. -[<b>Lady Bracknell</b> bows coldly to <b>Cecily</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt -Augusta.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I beg your pardon?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, -Lady Bracknell.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [With a shiver, crossing to the sofa -and sitting down.] I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly -exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the -number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the -proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance. -I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place. -Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger -railway stations in London? I merely desire information. -Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons -whose origin was a Terminus. [<b>Jack</b> looks perfectly furious, -but restrains himself.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [In a clear, cold voice.] Miss Cardew is -the grand-daughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, -S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> That sounds not unsatisfactory. -Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. -But what proof have I of their authenticity?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of -the period. They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Grimly.] I have known strange -errors in that publication.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Miss Cardew’s family solicitors are Messrs. -Markby, Markby, and Markby.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Markby, Markby, and Markby? A -firm of the very highest position in their profession. Indeed -I am told that one of the Mr. Markby’s is occasionally to be seen -at dinner parties. So far I am satisfied.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Very irritably.] How extremely kind of -you, Lady Bracknell! I have also in my possession, you will be -pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew’s birth, baptism, -whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; -both the German and the English variety.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Ah! A life crowded with incident, I -see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I -am not myself in favour of premature experiences. [Rises, looks -at her watch.] Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure. -We have not a moment to lose. As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, -I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds -in the Funds. That is all. Goodbye, Lady Bracknell. -So pleased to have seen you.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Sitting down again.] A moment, -Mr. Worthing. A hundred and thirty thousand pounds! And -in the Funds! Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young -lady, now that I look at her. Few girls of the present day have -any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve -with time. We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces. -[To <b>Cecily</b>.] Come over here, dear. [<b>Cecily</b> -goes across.] Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your -hair seems almost as Nature might have left it. But we can soon -alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French maid produces -a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time. I remember -recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own -husband did not know her.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> And after six months nobody knew her.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Glares at <b>Jack</b> for a few moments. -Then bends, with a practised smile, to <b>Cecily</b>.] Kindly -turn round, sweet child. [<b>Cecily</b> turns completely round.] -No, the side view is what I want. [<b>Cecily</b> presents her -profile.] Yes, quite as I expected. There are distinct social -possibilities in your profile. The two weak points in our age -are its want of principle and its want of profile. The chin a -little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the way the chin -is worn. They are worn very high, just at present. Algernon!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Yes, Aunt Augusta!</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> There are distinct social possibilities -in Miss Cardew’s profile.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest -girl in the whole world. And I don’t care twopence about -social possibilities.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Never speak disrespectfully of Society, -Algernon. Only people who can’t get into it do that. -[To <b>Cecily</b>.] Dear child, of course you know that Algernon -has nothing but his debts to depend upon. But I do not approve -of mercenary marriages. When I married Lord Bracknell I had no -fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing -that to stand in my way. Well, I suppose I must give my consent.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Thank you, Aunt Augusta.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Cecily, you may kiss me!</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> [Kisses her.] Thank you, Lady Bracknell.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> You may also address me as Aunt Augusta -for the future.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Thank you, Aunt Augusta.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> The marriage, I think, had better take -place quite soon.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Thank you, Aunt Augusta.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Thank you, Aunt Augusta.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> To speak frankly, I am not in favour -of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding -out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never -advisable.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, -but this engagement is quite out of the question. I am Miss Cardew’s -guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of -age. That consent I absolutely decline to give.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Upon what grounds may I ask? Algernon -is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young -man. He has nothing, but he looks everything. What more -can one desire?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> It pains me very much to have to speak frankly -to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do -not approve at all of his moral character. I suspect him of being -untruthful. [<b>Algernon</b> and <b>Cecily</b> look at him in -indignant amazement.]</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? -Impossible! He is an Oxonian.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I fear there can be no possible doubt about the -matter. This afternoon during my temporary absence in London on -an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house -by means of the false pretence of being my brother. Under an assumed -name he drank, I’ve just been informed by my butler, an entire -pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, ’89; wine I was specially -reserving for myself. Continuing his disgraceful deception, he -succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections -of my only ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every -single muffin. And what makes his conduct all the more heartless -is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, -that I never had a brother, and that I don’t intend to have a -brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself -yesterday afternoon.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Ahem! Mr. Worthing, after careful -consideration I have decided entirely to overlook my nephew’s -conduct to you.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. -My own decision, however, is unalterable. I decline to give my -consent.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [To <b>Cecily</b>.] Come here, -sweet child. [<b>Cecily</b> goes over.] How old are you, -dear?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always -admit to twenty when I go to evening parties.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> You are perfectly right in making some -slight alteration. Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate -about her age. It looks so calculating . . . [In a meditative -manner.] Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties. -Well, it will not be very long before you are of age and free from the -restraints of tutelage. So I don’t think your guardian’s -consent is, after all, a matter of any importance.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting -you again, but it is only fair to tell you that according to the terms -of her grandfather’s will Miss Cardew does not come legally of -age till she is thirty-five.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> That does not seem to me to be a grave -objection. Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London -society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their -own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton -is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five -ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago -now. I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still -more attractive at the age you mention than she is at present. -There will be a large accumulation of property.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Of course I could, Cecily. You know -I could.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn’t -wait all that time. I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody. -It always makes me rather cross. I am not punctual myself, I know, -but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to be married, -is quite out of the question.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Then what is to be done, Cecily?</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> I don’t know, Mr. Moncrieff.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew -states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five—a -remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient -nature—I would beg of you to reconsider your decision.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely -in your own hands. The moment you consent to my marriage with -Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance -with my ward.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Rising and drawing herself up.] -You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of -us can look forward to.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> That is not the destiny I propose for -Gwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose for himself. -[Pulls out her watch.] Come, dear, [<b>Gwendolen</b> rises] we -have already missed five, if not six, trains. To miss any more -might expose us to comment on the platform.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Dr. Chasuble</b>.]</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Everything is quite ready for the christenings.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> The christenings, sir! Is not -that somewhat premature?</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to <b>Jack</b> -and <b>Algernon</b>.] Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire -for immediate baptism.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> At their age? The idea is grotesque -and irreligious! Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized. -I will not hear of such excesses. Lord Bracknell would be highly -displeased if he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your -time and money.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Am I to understand then that there are to -be no christenings at all this afternoon?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I don’t think that, as things are now, it -would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> I am grieved to hear such sentiments from -you, Mr. Worthing. They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, -views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons. -However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I -will return to the church at once. Indeed, I have just been informed -by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been -waiting for me in the vestry.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Starting.] Miss Prism! -Did I bear you mention a Miss Prism?</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way -to join her.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Pray allow me to detain you for a moment. -This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell -and myself. Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely -connected with education?</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Somewhat indignantly.] She is the most -cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of respectability.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> It is obviously the same person. -May I ask what position she holds in your household?</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Severely.] I am a celibate, madam.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Interposing.] Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, -has been for the last three years Miss Cardew’s esteemed governess -and valued companion.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> In spite of what I hear of her, I must -see her at once. Let her be sent for.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Looking off.] She approaches; she is -nigh.</p> -<p>[Enter <b>Miss Prism</b> hurriedly.]</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> I was told you expected me in the vestry, -dear Canon. I have been waiting for you there for an hour and -three-quarters. [Catches sight of <b>Lady Bracknell</b>, who has -fixed her with a stony glare. <b>Miss Prism</b> grows pale and -quails. She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape.]</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [In a severe, judicial voice.] -Prism! [<b>Miss Prism</b> bows her head in shame.] Come -here, Prism! [<b>Miss Prism</b> approaches in a humble manner.] -Prism! Where is that baby? [General consternation. -The <b>Canon</b> starts back in horror. <b>Algernon</b> and <b>Jack</b> -pretend to be anxious to shield <b>Cecily</b> and <b>Gwendolen</b> from -hearing the details of a terrible public scandal.] Twenty-eight -years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell’s house, Number 104, -Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a -baby of the male sex. You never returned. A few weeks later, -through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the -perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote -corner of Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a three-volume -novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality. [<b>Miss -Prism</b> starts in involuntary indignation.] But the baby was -not there! [Every one looks at <b>Miss Prism</b>.] Prism! -Where is that baby? [A pause.]</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that -I do not know. I only wish I did. The plain facts of the -case are these. On the morning of the day you mention, a day that -is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby -out in its perambulator. I had also with me a somewhat old, but -capacious hand-bag in which I had intended to place the manuscript of -a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours. -In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, -I deposited the manuscript in the basinette, and placed the baby in -the hand-bag.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Who has been listening attentively.] But -where did you deposit the hand-bag?</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance -to me. I insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bag that -contained that infant.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> I left it in the cloak-room of one of the -larger railway stations in London.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> What railway station?</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Quite crushed.] Victoria. The -Brighton line. [Sinks into a chair.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> I must retire to my room for a moment. Gwendolen, -wait here for me.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> If you are not too long, I will wait here -for you all my life. [Exit <b>Jack</b> in great excitement.]</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell?</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble. -I need hardly tell you that in families of high position strange coincidences -are not supposed to occur. They are hardly considered the thing.</p> -<p>[Noises heard overhead as if some one was throwing trunks about. -Every one looks up.]</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> Your guardian has a very emotional nature.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> This noise is extremely unpleasant. -It sounds as if he was having an argument. I dislike arguments -of any kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing.</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [Looking up.] It has stopped now. -[The noise is redoubled.]</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I wish he would arrive at some conclusion.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> This suspense is terrible. I hope it -will last. [Enter <b>Jack</b> with a hand-bag of black leather -in his hand.]</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Rushing over to <b>Miss Prism</b>.] Is -this the hand-bag, Miss Prism? Examine it carefully before you -speak. The happiness of more than one life depends on your answer.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Calmly.] It seems to be mine. -Yes, here is the injury it received through the upsetting of a Gower -Street omnibus in younger and happier days. Here is the stain -on the lining caused by the explosion of a temperance beverage, an incident -that occurred at Leamington. And here, on the lock, are my initials. -I had forgotten that in an extravagant mood I had had them placed there. -The bag is undoubtedly mine. I am delighted to have it so unexpectedly -restored to me. It has been a great inconvenience being without -it all these years.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [In a pathetic voice.] Miss Prism, more -is restored to you than this hand-bag. I was the baby you placed -in it.</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Amazed.] You?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Embracing her.] Yes . . . mother!</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Recoiling in indignant astonishment.] -Mr. Worthing! I am unmarried!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Unmarried! I do not deny that is a serious -blow. But after all, who has the right to cast a stone against -one who has suffered? Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly? -Why should there be one law for men, and another for women? Mother, -I forgive you. [Tries to embrace her again.]</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Still more indignant.] Mr. Worthing, -there is some error. [Pointing to <b>Lady Bracknell</b>.] -There is the lady who can tell you who you really are.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [After a pause.] Lady Bracknell, I hate -to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> I am afraid that the news I have to -give you will not altogether please you. You are the son of my -poor sister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon’s elder -brother.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Algy’s elder brother! Then I have -a brother after all. I knew I had a brother! I always said -I had a brother! Cecily,—how could you have ever doubted -that I had a brother? [Seizes hold of <b>Algernon</b>.] -Dr. Chasuble, my unfortunate brother. Miss Prism, my unfortunate -brother. Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother. Algy, you young -scoundrel, you will have to treat me with more respect in the future. -You have never behaved to me like a brother in all your life.</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit. -I did my best, however, though I was out of practice.</p> -<p>[Shakes hands.]</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> [To <b>Jack</b>.] My own! But -what own are you? What is your Christian name, now that you have -become some one else?</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Good heavens! . . . I had quite forgotten that -point. Your decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable, -I suppose?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I never change, except in my affections.</p> -<p><b>Cecily.</b> What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Then the question had better be cleared up at -once. Aunt Augusta, a moment. At the time when Miss Prism -left me in the hand-bag, had I been christened already?</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Every luxury that money could buy, including -christening, had been lavished on you by your fond and doting parents.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Then I was christened! That is settled. -Now, what name was I given? Let me know the worst.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Being the eldest son you were naturally -christened after your father.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> [Irritably.] Yes, but what was my father’s -Christian name?</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> [Meditatively.] I cannot at the -present moment recall what the General’s Christian name was. -But I have no doubt he had one. He was eccentric, I admit. -But only in later years. And that was the result of the Indian -climate, and marriage, and indigestion, and other things of that kind.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Algy! Can’t you recollect what our -father’s Christian name was?</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> My dear boy, we were never even on speaking -terms. He died before I was a year old.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> His name would appear in the Army Lists of the -period, I suppose, Aunt Augusta?</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> The General was essentially a man of -peace, except in his domestic life. But I have no doubt his name -would appear in any military directory.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> The Army Lists of the last forty years are here. -These delightful records should have been my constant study. [Rushes -to bookcase and tears the books out.] M. Generals . . . Mallam, -Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names they have—Markby, Migsby, -Mobbs, Moncrieff! Lieutenant 1840, Captain, Lieutenant-Colonel, -Colonel, General 1869, Christian names, Ernest John. [Puts book -very quietly down and speaks quite calmly.] I always told you, -Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn’t I? Well, it is Ernest -after all. I mean it naturally is Ernest.</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> Yes, I remember now that the General -was called Ernest, I knew I had some particular reason for disliking -the name.</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> Ernest! My own Ernest! I felt -from the first that you could have no other name!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to -find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but -the truth. Can you forgive me?</p> -<p><b>Gwendolen.</b> I can. For I feel that you are sure -to change.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> My own one!</p> -<p><b>Chasuble.</b> [To <b>Miss Prism</b>.] Lætitia! -[Embraces her]</p> -<p><b>Miss Prism.</b> [Enthusiastically.] Frederick! -At last!</p> -<p><b>Algernon.</b> Cecily! [Embraces her.] At last!</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> Gwendolen! [Embraces her.] At last!</p> -<p><b>Lady Bracknell.</b> My nephew, you seem to be displaying -signs of triviality.</p> -<p><b>Jack.</b> On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I’ve now -realised for the first time in my life the vital Importance of Being -Earnest.</p> -<p>TABLEAU</p> -<p>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST ***</p> -<pre> - -******This file should be named tiobe10h.htm or tiobe10h.zip****** -Corrected EDITIONS of our EBooks get a new NUMBER, tiobe11h.htm -VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, tiobe10ah.htm - -Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US -unless a copyright notice is included. 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