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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/8399-8.txt b/8399-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c1f684e --- /dev/null +++ b/8399-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13274 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Manners and Social Usages, by Mrs. John M. E. W. Sherwood + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Manners and Social Usages + +Author: Mrs. John M. E. W. Sherwood + +Release Date: June, 2005 [EBook #8399] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on July 7, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-Latin-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES *** + + + + +Produced by Holly Ingraham. + + + + +[frontispiece]THE MODERN DINNER-TABLE. + +MANNERS +AND +SOCIAL USAGES +BY +MRS. JOHN SHERWOOD M.E.W. + +AUTHOR OF "A TRANSPLANTED ROSE" + +"Manners are the shadows of great virtues."--Whateley + +"Solid Fashion is funded politeness."--Emerson + +NEW AND ENLARGED EDITION, REVISED BY THE AUTHOR + +JUN 11 1887 + + + + +PG TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES: + +This etiquette manual was probably originally a series of columns +in a newspaper or a magazine like Harper's, as the chapters on +weddings in the different seasons refer to how the fashions have +changed since the last one--by the original copyright, 1884, +though the book version appeared in 1887. Notable features among +the usual: how to dance the German, or Cotillon; remarks and four +chapters on English, French, or others in contrast to American +customs, making it a guide to European manners; proper behavior +for the single woman past girlhood; appropriate costumes for many +occasions; three chapters on staff and servants. + + +PREFACE. + +There is no country where there are so many people asking what is +"proper to do," or, indeed, where there are so many genuinely +anxious to do the proper thing, as in the vast conglomerate which +we call the United States of America. The newness of our country +is perpetually renewed by the sudden making of fortunes, and by +the absence of a hereditary, reigning set. There is no aristocracy +here which has the right and title to set the fashions. + +But a "reigning set," whether it depend upon hereditary right or +adventitious wealth, if it be possessed of a desire to lead and a +disposition to hospitality, becomes for a period the dictator of +fashion to a large number of lookers-on. The travelling world, +living far from great centres, goes to Newport, Saratoga, New +York, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and gazes on what is +called the latest American fashion. This, though exploited by what +we may call for the sake of distinction the "newer set," is +influenced and shaped in some degree by people of native +refinement and taste, and that wide experience which is gained by +travel and association with broad and cultivated minds. They +counteract the tendency to vulgarity, which is the great danger of +a newly launched society, so that our social condition improves, +rather than retrogrades, with every decade. + +There may be many social purists who will disagree with us in this +statement. Men and women educated in the creeds of the Old World, +with the good blood of a long ancestry of quiet ladies and +gentlemen, find modern American society, particularly in New York +and at Newport, fast, furious, and vulgar. There are, of course, +excesses committed everywhere in the name of fashion; but we +cannot see that they are peculiar to America. We can only answer +that the creed of fashion is one of perpetual change. There is a +Council of Trent, we may say, every five years, perhaps even every +two years, in our new and changeful country, and we learn that, +follow as we may either the grand old etiquette of England or the +more gay and shifting social code of France, we still must make an +original etiquette of our own. Our political system alone, where +the lowest may rise to the highest preferment, upsets in a measure +all that the Old World insists upon in matters of precedence and +formality. Certain immutable principles remain common to all +elegant people who assume to gather society about them, and who +wish to enter its portals; the absent-minded scholar from his +library should not ignore them, the fresh young farmer from the +countryside feels and recognizes their importance. If we are to +live together in unity we must make society a pleasant thing, we +must obey certain formal rules, and these rules must conform to +the fashion of the period. + +And it is in no way derogatory to a new country like our own if on +some minor points of etiquette we presume to differ from the older +world. We must fit our garments to the climate, our manners to our +fortunes and to our daily lives. There are, however, faults and +inelegancies of which foreigners accuse us which we may do well to +consider. One of these is the greater freedom allowed in the +manners of our young women a freedom which, as our New World fills +up with people of foreign birth, cannot but lead to social +disturbances. Other national faults, which English writers and +critics kindly point out, are our bumptiousness, our spread- +eagleism, and our too great familiarity and lack of dignity, etc. + +Instead of growing angry over these criticisms, perhaps we might +as well look into the matter dispassionately, and see if we cannot +turn the advice in some degree to our advantage. We can, however, +decide for ourselves on certain points of etiquette which we +borrow from nobody; they are a part of our great nation, of our +republican institutions, and of that continental hospitality which +gives a home to the Russian, the German, the Frenchman, the +Irishman, man, and the "heathen Chinee." A somewhat wide and +elastic code, as boundless as the prairies, can alone meet the +needs of these different citizens. The old traditions of stately +manners, so common to the Washington and Jefferson days, have +almost died out here, as similar manners have died out all over +the world. The war of 1861 swept away what little was left of that +once important American fact--a grandfather. We began all over +again; and now there comes up from this newer world a flood of +questions: How shall we manage all this? How shall we use a fork? +When wear a dress-coat? How and when and on whom shall we leave +our cards? How long and for whom shall we wear mourning? What is +the etiquette of a wedding? How shall we give a dinner-party? +The young housekeeper of Kansas writes as to the manners she shall +teach to her children; the miner's wife, having become rich, asks +how she shall arrange her house, call on her neighbors, write her +letters? Many an anxious girl writes as to the propriety of +"driving out with a gentleman," etc. In fact, there is one great +universal question, What is the etiquette of good society? + +Not a few people have tried to answer these questions, and have +broken down in the attempt. Many have made valuable manuals, as +far as they went; but writers on etiquette commonly fail, for one +or two different reasons. Many attempt to write who know nothing +of good society by experience, and their books are full of +ludicrous errors. Others have had the disadvantage of knowing too +much, of ignoring the beginning of things, of supposing that the +person who reads will take much for granted. For a person who has +an intuitive knowledge of etiquette, who has been brought up from +his mother's knee in the best society, has always known what to +do, how to dress, to whom to bow, to write in the simplest way +about etiquette would be impossible; he would never know how +little the reader, to whose edification he was addressing himself, +knew of the matter. + +If, however, an anxious inquirer should write and ask if "mashed +potato must be eaten with a knife or a fork," or if "napkins and +finger bowls can be used at breakfast," those questions he can +answer. + +It is with an effort to answer thousands of these questions, +written in good faith to Harper's Bazar, that this book is +undertaken. The simplicity, the directness, and the evident desire +"to improve," which characterize these anonymous letters, are all +much to be commended. Many people have found themselves suddenly +conquerors of material wealth, the most successful colonists in +the world, the heirs of a great inheritance, the builders of a new +empire. There is a true refinement manifested in their questions. +Not only do men and women like to behave properly themselves, but +all desire to know what is the best school of manners, that they +may educate their children therein. Such minds are the best +conservators of law and order. It is not a communistic spirit that +asks, "How can I do this thing in a better way?" It is that wise +and liberal conservatism which includes reverence for law, respect +for age, belief in religion, and a desire for a refined society. A +book on etiquette, however patiently considered and honestly +written, must have many shortcomings, and contain disputed +testimony. All we can do is endeavor to mention those fashions and +customs which we believe to be the best, remembering always, as we +have said, that the great law of change goes on forever, that our +stately grandfathers had fashions which we should now consider +gross and unbecoming, while we have customs, particularly of +speech, which would have shocked them. This law of change is not +only one which time modifies, but with us the South, the North, +the East, and the West differ as to certain points of etiquette. +All, however, agree in saying that there is a good society in +America whose mandates are supreme. All feel that the well-bred +man or woman is a "recognized institution." Everybody laughed at +the mistakes of Daisy Miller, and saw wherein she and her mother +were wrong. Independent American girls may still choose to travel +without a chaperon, but they must be prepared to fight a +well-founded prejudice if they do. There is a recognition of the +necessity of good manners, and a profound conviction, let us hope, +that a graceful manner is the outcropping of a well-regulated mind +and of a good heart. + +CONTENTS. + +CHAPTER ... PAGE +I. Women as Leaders ... 13 +II. Optional Civilities ... 29 +III. Good and Bad Society ... 36 +IV. On Introducing People ... 44 +V. Visiting ... 58 +VI. Invitations, Acceptances, and Regrets ... 66 +VII. Cards of Compliment, Courtesy, Condolence, and Congratulation +... 74 +VIII. The Etiquette of Weddings ... 82 +IX. Who Pays for the Cards ... 94 +X. Weddings after Easter ... 102 +XI. Summer Weddings ... 110 +XII Autumn Weddings ... 117 +XIII. Before the Wedding and After ... 125 +XIV. Gold, Silver, and Tin Weddings ... 133 +XV. The Etiquette of Balls ... 142 +XVI. Fashionable Dancing ... 150 +XVII. Letters and Letter Writing ... 159 +XVIII. Costly thy Habit ... 167 +XlX. Dressing for Driving ... 174 +XX. Incongruities of Dress ... 181 +XXI. Etiquette of Mourning ... 188 +XXII. Mourning and Funeral Usages ... 200 +XXIII. Letters of Condolence ... 207 +XXIV. Chaperons and Their Duties ... 214 +XXV. Etiquette for Elderly Girls ... 223 +XXVI. New Year's Calls ... 230 +XXVII. Matin‚es And Soir‚es ... 239 +XXVIII. Afternoon Tea ... 247 +XXIX. Caudle And Christening Cups and Ceremonies ... 255 +XXX. Modern Dinner Table ... 261 +XXXI. Laying the Dinner-table ... 269 +XXXII. Favors and Bonbonni‚res ... 277 +XXXIII. Dinner Table Novelites ... 285 +XXXIV. Summer Dinners ... 292 +XXXV. Luncheons, Informal and Social ... 300 +XXXVI. Supper Parties ... 307 +XXXVII. Simple Dinners ... 314 +XXXVIII. The Small Talk of Society ... 320 +XXXIX. Garden Parties ... 328 +XL. Silver Weddings and Other Wedding Anniversaries ... 335 +XLI. Spring And Summer Entertainments ... 343 +XLII. Floral Tributes and Decorations ... 353 +XLIII. The Fork and the Spoon ... 359 +XLIV. Napkins and Table-cloths ... 364 +XLV. Servants, their Dress and Duties ... 371 +XLVI. House with One Servant ... 380 +XLVII. House with Two Servants ... 886 +XLVIII. House with Many Servants ... 394 +XLIX. Manners: A Study For The Awkward and the Shy ... 401 +L. How To Treat A Guest ... 408 +LI. Lady And Gentleman ... 415 +LIL The Manners of the Past ... 424 +LIII. The Manners of the Optimist ... 484 +LIV. The Manners of the Sympathetic ... 441 +LV. Certain Questions Answered ... 450 +LVI. English Table Manners and Social Usages. ... 457 +LVII. American And English Etiquette Contrasted ... 465 +LVIII. How To Treat English People ... 473 +LIX. A Foreign Table D'H“te, and Casino Life Abroad ... 480 + + + + +MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. + +CHAPTER I. +WOMEN AS LEADERS. + +Nothing strikes the foreigner so much (since the days of De +Tocqueville, the first to mention it) as the prominent position of +woman in the best society of America. She has almost no position +in the political world. She is not a leader, an _intrigante_ in +politics, as she is in France. We have no Madame de Stael, no +Princess Belgioso, here to make and unmake our Presidents; but +women do all the social work, which in Europe is done not only by +women, but by young bachelors and old ones, statesmen, princes, +ambassadors, and _attaches_. Officials are connected with every +court whose business it is to visit, write and answer invitations, +leave cards, call, and perform all the multifarious duties of the +social world. + +In America, the lady of the house does all this. Her men are all +in business or in pleasure, her sons are at work or off yachting. +They cannot spend time to make their dinner calls--"Mamma, please +leave my cards" is the legend written on their banners. + +Thus to women, as the conductors of social politics, is committed +the card--that pasteboard protocol, whose laws are well defined +in every land but our own. + +Now, in ten different books on etiquette which we have consulted +we find ten different opinions upon the subject of first calls, as +between two women. We cannot, therefore, presume to decide where +so many doctors disagree, but give the commonly received opinions +as expressed by the customs of New York society. + +When should a lady call first upon a new and a desirable +acquaintance? Not hastily. She should have met the new and +desirable acquaintance, should have been properly introduced, +should feel sure that her acquaintance is desired. The oldest +resident, the one most prominent in fashion, should call first; +but, if there is no such distinction, two women need not forever +stand at bay each waiting for the other to call. A very admirable +and polite expedient has been: substituted for a first call in the +sending out of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady who +wishes to begin her social life, we will say, in a new city. These +may or may not be accompanied by the card of some well-known +friend. If these cards bring the desired visits or the cards of +the desired guests, the beginner may feel that she has started on +her society career with no loss of self respect. Those who do not +respond are generally in a minority. Too much haste in making new +acquaintances, however--"pushing," as it is called-cannot be too +much deprecated. + +First calls should be returned within a week. If a lady is invited +to any entertainment by a new acquaintance, whether the invitation +come through a friend or not, she should immediately leave cards, +and send either a regret or an acceptance. To lose time in this +matter is a great rudeness. Whether she attend the entertainment +or not, she should call after it within a week. Then, having done +all that is polite, and having shown herself a woman of +good-breeding, she can keep up the acquaintance or not as she +pleases. Sometimes there are reasons why a lady does not wish to +keep up the acquaintance, but she must not, for her own sake, be +oblivious to the politeness extended. Some very rude people in New +York have sent back invitations, or failed to recognize the first +attempt at civility, saying, "We don't know the people." This is +not the way to discourage unpleasant familiarity. In New York, +Boston, and Philadelphia, and in the large cities of the West, and +generally in the country: towns, residents call first upon +new-comers; but in Washington this custom is reversed, and the +new-comer calls first upon the resident. Every one--officials of +the highest down to the lowest grade returns these cards. The +visitor generally finds himself invited to the receptions of the +President and his Cabinet, etc. This arrangement is so convenient +that it is a thousand pities it does not go into operation all +over the country, particularly in those large cities where the +resident cannot know if her dearest friend be in town unless +informed in some such way of the fact. + +This does not, as might be supposed, expose society to the +intrusion of unwelcome visitors. Tact, which is the only guide +through the mazes of society, will enable a woman to avoid +anything like an unwelcome intimacy or a doubtful acquaintance, +even if such a person should "call first." + +Now the question comes up, and here doctors disagree: When may a +lady call by proxy, or when may she send her card, or when must +she call in person? + +After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and inquire if +the hostess is at home. For other entertainments it is allowed, in +New York, that the lady call by proxy, or that she simply send her +card. In sending to inquire for a person's health, cards may be +sent by a servant, with a kindly message. + +No first visit should, however, be returned by card only; this +would be considered a slight, unless followed by an invitation. +The size of New York, the great distances, the busy life of a +woman of charities, large family, and immense circle of +acquaintances may render a personal visit almost impossible. She +may be considered to have done her duty if she in her turn asks +her new acquaintance to call on her on a specified day, if she is +not herself able to call. + +Bachelors should leave cards (if they ever leave any) on the +master and mistress of the house, and, in America, upon the young +ladies. A gentleman does not turn down the corners of his +card--indeed, that fashion has become almost obsolete, except, +perhaps, where a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has +called in person. The plainer the card the better. A small, thin +card for a gentleman, not glazed, with his name in small script +and his address well engraved in the corner, is in good taste. A +lady's card should be larger, but not glazed or ornamented in any +way. It is a rule with sticklers for good-breeding that after any +entertainment a gentleman should leave his card in person, +although, as we have said, he often commits it to some feminine +agency. + +No gentleman should call on a lady unless she asks him to do so, +or unless he brings a letter of introduction, or unless he is +taken by a lady who is sufficiently intimate to invite him to +call. A lady should say to a gentleman, if she wishes him to call, +"I hope that we shall see you," or, "I am at home on Monday," or +something of that sort. If he receives an invitation to dinner or +to a ball from a stranger, he is bound to send an immediate +answer, call the very next day, leave his card, and then to call +after the entertainment. + +This, at least, is foreign etiquette, and we cannot do better than +import it. This rule holds good for the entertainments of +bachelors, who should leave their cards on each other after an +entertainment, unless the intimacy is so great that no card- +leaving is expected. + +When a lady returns to town, after an absence in Europe or in the +country, it is strict etiquette that she should leave cards on all +her acquaintances and friends if she expects to entertain or to +lead a gay, social winter; but as distances in our great cities +are formidable, as all ladies do not keep a carriage, as most +ladies have a great deal else to do besides making visits, this +long and troublesome process is sometimes simplified by giving a +tea or a series of teas, which enables the lady, by staying at +home on one evening of a week, or two or three afternoons of a +month, to send out her cards to that effect, and to thus show her +friends that she at least remembers them. As society and +card-leaving thus become rapidly complicated, a lady should have a +visiting-book, into which her list is carefully copied, with +spaces for days and future engagements. + +A servant must be taught to receive the cards at the door, +remember messages, and recollect for whom they are left, as it is +not proper in calling upon Mrs. Brown at a private house to write +her name on your card. At a crowded hotel this may be allowed, but +it is not etiquette in visiting at private houses. In returning +visits, observe the exact etiquette of the person who has left the +first card. A call must not be returned with a card only, or a +card by a call. If a person send you a card by post, return a card +by post; if a personal visit is made, return it by a personal +visit; if your acquaintance leave cards only, without inquiring if +you are at home, return the same courtesy. If she has left the +cards of the gentlemen of her family, return those of the +gentlemen of your family. + +A young lady's card should almost always be accompanied by that of +her mother or her chaperon. It is well, on her entrance into +society, that the name of the young lady be engraved on her +mother's card. After she has been out a year, she may leave her +own card only. Here American etiquette begins to differ from +English etiquette. In London, on the other hand, no young lady +leaves her card: if she is motherless, her name is engraved +beneath the name of her father, and the card of her chaperon is +left with both until she becomes a maiden lady of somewhat mature +if uncertain age. + +It is rare now to see the names of both husband and wife engraved +on one card, as "Mr. and Mrs. Brown." The lady has her own card, +"Mrs. Octavius Brown," or with the addition, "The Misses Brown." +Her husband has his separate card; each of the sons has his own +card. No titles are used on visiting-cards in America, save +military, naval, or judicial ones; and, indeed, many of our most +distinguished judges have had cards printed simply with the name, +without prefix or affix. "Mr. Webster," "Mr. Winthrop," "Henry +Clay" are well-known instances of simplicity. But a woman must +always use the prefix "Mrs." or "Miss." A gentleman may or may not +use the prefix "Mr.," as he pleases, but women must treat +themselves with more respect. No card is less proper than one +which is boldly engraved "Gertrude F. Brown;" it should be "Miss +Gertrude F. Brown." + +A married lady always bears her husband's name, during his life, +on her card. Some discussion is now going on as to whether she +should continue to call herself "Mrs. Octavius Brown" or "Mrs. +Mary Brown" after his death. The burden of opinion is in favor of +the latter--particularly as a son may bear his father's name, so +there will be two Mrs. Octavius Browns. No lady wishes to be known +as "old Mrs. Octavius Brown," and as we do not use the convenient +title of Dowager, we may as well take the alternative of the +Christian name. We cannot say "Mrs. Octavius Brown, Jr.," if the +husband has ceased to be a junior. Many married ladies hesitate to +discard the name by which they have always been known. Perhaps the +simple "Mrs. Brown" is the best, after all. No lady should leave +cards upon an unmarried gentleman, except in the case of his +having given entertainments at which ladies were present. Then the +lady of the house should drive to his door with the cards of +herself and family, allowing the footman to leave them. + +The young ladies' names, in such a case as this, should be +engraven on their mother's card. + +"We have no leisure class," as Henry James says in his brilliant +"International Episode;" but still young men should try to make +time to call on those who entertain them, showing by some sort of +personal attention their gratitude for the politeness shown them. +American young men are, as a rule, very remiss about this matter +of calling on the hostess whose hospitality they accept. + +A gentleman should not call on a young lady without asking for her +mother or her chaperon. Nor should he leave cards for her alone, +but always leave one for her mother. + +Ladies can, and often do, write informal invitations on the +visiting-card. To teas, readings, and small parties, may be added +the day of reception. It is convenient and proper to send these +cards by post. Everything can be sent by post now, except an +invitation to dinner, and that must always be sent by private +hand, and an answer must be immediately returned in the same +formal manner. + +After balls, amateur concerts, theatrical parties, garden-parties, +or "at homes," cards should be left by all invited guests within a +week after the invitation, particularly if the invited guest has +been obliged to decline. These cards may be left without inquiring +for the hostess, if time presses; but it is more polite to inquire +for the hostess, even if it is not her day. If it is her reception +day, it would be rude not to inquire, enter, and pay a personal +visit. After a dinner, one must inquire for the hostess and pay a +personal visit. It is necessary to mention this fact, because so +many ladies have got into the habit (having large acquaintances) +of leaving or sending cards in by a footman, without inquiring for +the hostess (who is generally not at home), that there has grown +up a confusion, which leads to offence being taken where none is +meant. + +It is not considered necessary to leave cards after a tea. A lady +leaves her cards as she enters the hall, pays her visit, and the +etiquette of a visiting acquaintance is thus established for a +year. She should, however, give a tea herself, asking all her +entertainers. + +If a lady has been invited to a tea or other entertainment through +a friend without having known her hostess, she is bound to call +soon; but if the invitation is not followed up by a return card or +another invitation, she must understand that the acquaintance is +at an end. She may, however, invite her new friend, within a +reasonable time, to some entertainment at her own house, and if +that is accepted, the acquaintance goes on. It is soon ascertained +by a young woman who begins life in a new city whether her new +friends intend to be friendly or the reverse. A resident of a town +or village can call, with propriety, on any new-comer. The +newcomer must return this call; but, if she does not desire a +further acquaintance, this can be the end of it. The time of +calling must in every town be settled by the habits of the place; +after two o'clock and before six is, however, generally safe. + +In England they have a pleasant fashion of calling to inquire for +invalids or afflicted friends, and of pencilling the words "kind +inquiries." It has not obtained that popularity in America which +it deserves, and it would be well to introduce it. If a lady call +on a person who is a stranger to her, and if she has difficulty in +impressing her name on the servant, she sends up her card, while +she waits to see if the lady will receive her. But she must never +on any occasion hand her own card to her hostess. If she enters +the parlor and finds her hostess there, she must introduce herself +by pronouncing her own name distinctly. If she is acquainted with +the lady, she simply gives her name to the servant, and does not +send up her card. + +Wedding-cards have great prominence in America, but we ignore +those elaborate funeral-cards and christening-cards, and printed +cards with announcements of engagements, and many other cards +fashionable abroad. With us the cards of the bride and her +parents, and sometimes of the _fianc‚_, are sent to all friends +before the wedding, and those of the invitation to the wedding to +a few only, it may be, or to all, as the family desire. After the +marriage, the cards of the married pair, with their address, are +sent to all whose acquaintance is desired. + +Husbands and wives rarely call together in America, although there +is no law against their doing so. It is unusual because, as we +have said, we have no "leisure class." Gentlemen are privileged to +call on Sunday, after church, and on Sunday evenings. A mother and +daughter should call together, or, if the mother is an invalid, +the daughter can call, leaving her mother's card. + +"Not at home" is a proper formula, if ladies are not receiving; +nor does it involve a falsehood. It merely means that the lady is +not at home to company. The servant should also add, "Mrs. Brown +receives on Tuesdays," if the lady has a day. Were not ladies able +to deny themselves to callers there would be no time in crowded +cities for any sort of work, or repose, or leisure for self- +improvement. For, with the many idle people who seek to rid +themselves of the pain and penalty of their own vapid society by +calling and making somebody else entertain them, with the +wandering book-agents and beggars, or with even the overflow of +society, a lady would find her existence muddled away by the +poorest and most abject of occupations--that of receiving a number +of inconsiderate, and perhaps impertinent, wasters of time. + +It is well for all house-keepers to devote one day in the week to +the reception of visitors--the morning to tradespeople and those +who may wish to see her on business, and the afternoon to those +who call socially. It saves her time and simplifies matters. + +Nothing is more vulgar than that a caller should ask the servant +where his mistress is, when she went out, when she will be in, how +soon she will be down, etc. All that a well-bred servant should +say to such questions is, "I do not know, madam." A mistress +should inform her servant after breakfast _what he is to say_ to +all comers. It is very offensive to a visitor to be let in, and +then be told that she cannot see the lady of the house. She feels +personally insulted, and as if, had she been some other person, +the lady of the house would perhaps have seen her. + +If a servant, evidently ignorant and uncertain of his mistress and +her wishes, says, "I will see if Mrs. Brown will see you," and +ushers you into the parlor, it is only proper to go in and wait. +But it is always well to say, "If Mrs. Brown is going out, is +dressing, or is otherwise engaged, ask her not to trouble herself +to come down." Mrs. Brown will be very much obliged to you. In +calling on a friend who is staying with people with whom you are +not acquainted, always leave a card for the lady of the house. The +lack of this attention is severely felt by new people who may +entertain a fashionable woman as their guest--one who receives +many calls from those who do not know her hostess. It is never +proper to call on a guest without asking for the hostess. + +Again, if the hostess be a very fashionable woman, and the visitor +decidedly not so, it is equally vulgar to make one's friend who +may be a guest in the house a sort of entering wedge for an +acquaintance; a card should be left, but unaccompanied by any +request to see the lady of the house. This every lady will at once +understand. A lady who has a guest staying with her who receives +really calls should always try to place a parlor at her disposal +where she can see her friends alone, unless she be a very young +person, to whom the chaperonage of the hostess is indispensable. + +If the lady of the house is in the drawing-room when the visitor +arrives to call on her guest, she is, of course, introduced and +says a few words; and if she is not in the room, the guest should +inquire of the visitor if the lady of the house will see him or +her, thus giving her a chance to accept or decline. + +In calling on the sons or the daughters of the house, every +visitor should leave a card for the father and mother. If ladies +are at home, cards should be left for the gentlemen of the family. + +In Europe a young man is not allowed to ask for the young ladies +of the house in formal parlance, nor is he allowed to leave a card +on them--socially in Europe the "_jeune fille_" has no existence. +He calls on the mother or chaperon; the young lady may be sent +for, but he must not inquire for her first. Even if she is a young +lady at the head of a house, he is not allowed to call upon her +without some preliminaries; some amiable female friend must manage +to bring them together. + +In America the other extreme has led to a very vicious system of +etiquette, by which young ladies are recognized as altogether +leaders of society, receiving the guests and pushing their mothers +into the background. It would amaze a large number of ambitious +young ladies to be told that it was not proper that young men +should call on them and be received by them alone. But the +solution would seem to be that the mother or chaperon should +advance to her proper place in this country, and while taking care +of her daughter, appearing with her in public, and receiving +visits with her, still permit that good-natured and well-intended +social intercourse between young men and women which is so seldom +abused, and which has led to so many happy marriages. It is one of +the points yet debatable how much liberty should be allowed young +ladies. Certainly, however, we do not wish to hold our young girls +up to the scorn and ridicule of the novelist or the foreign critic +by ignoring what has been a recognized tenet of good manners since +society was formed. The fact that the chaperon is a necessary +institution, and that to married ladies and to elderly ladies +should be paid all due respect, is a subject of which we shall +treat later. No young lady who is visiting in a strange city or +country town should ever receive the visits of gentlemen without +asking her hostess and her daughters to come down and be +introduced to them; nor should she ever invite such persons to +call without asking her hostess if it would be agreeable. To +receive an ordinary acquaintance at any hour, even that of the +afternoon reception, without her hostess would be very bad +manners. We fear the practice is too common, however. How much +worse to receive a lover, or a gentleman who may aspire to the +honor of becoming one, at unusual hours, without saying anything +to the lady of the house! Too many young American girls are in the +habit of doing so: making of their friend's house a convenience by +which an acquaintance with a young man may be carried on--a young +man too, perhaps, who has been forbidden her own home. + +A bride receives her callers after she has settled down in her +married home just as any lady does. There is no particular +etiquette observed. She sends out cards for two or three reception +days, and her friends and new acquaintances call or send cards on +these days. She must not, however, call on her friends until they +have called upon her. + +As many of these callers--friends, perhaps, of the bridegroom--are +unknown to the bride, it is well to have a servant announce the +names; and they should also leave their cards in the hall that she +may be able to know where to return the visits. + +What has so far been said will serve to give a general idea of the +card and its uses, and of the duties which it imposes upon +different members of society. Farther on in this volume we will +take up, in much more particular fashion, the matters only alluded +to in this opening chapter. + +We may say that cards have changed less in the history of +etiquette and fashion than anything else. They, the shifting +pasteboards, are in style about what they were fifty--nay, a +hundred--years ago. + +The plain, unglazed card with fine engraved script cannot be +improved upon. The passing fashion for engraved autographs, for +old English, for German text, all these fashions have had but a +brief hour. Nothing is in worse taste than for an American to put +a coat-of-arms on his card. It only serves to make him ridiculous. + +A lady should send up her card by a servant, but not deliver it to +the lady of the house; a card is yourself, therefore if you meet a +lady, she does not want two of you. If you wish to leave your +address, leave a card on the hall table. One does right in leaving +a card on the hall table at a reception, and one need not call +again. An invitation to one's house cancels all indebtedness. If a +card is left on a lady's reception, she should make the next call, +although many busy society women now never make calls, except when +they receive invitations to afternoon teas or receptions. + +When a gentleman calls on ladies who are at home, if he knows them +well he does not send up a card; the servant announces his name. +If he does not know them well, he does send up a card. One card is +sufficient, but he can inquire for them all. In leaving cards it +is not necessary to leave seven or eight, but it is customary to +leave two--one for the lady of the house, the other for the rest +of the family or the stranger who is within their gates. If a +gentleman wishes particularly to call on any one member, he says +so to the servant, as "Take my card up to Miss Jones," and he +adds, "I should like to see all the ladies if they are at home." +The trouble in answering this question is that authorities differ. +We give the latest London and New York fashion, so far as we know, +and also what we believe to be the common-sense view. A gentleman +can ask first for the lady of the house, then for any other member +of the family, but he need never leave more than two cards. He +must in this, as in all etiquette, exercise common-sense. No one +can define all the ten thousand little points. + +CHAPTER II. +OPTIONAL CIVILITIES. + +There are many optional civilities in life which add very much to +its charm if observed, but which cannot be called indispensable. +To those which are harmless and graceful we shall give a cursory +glance, and to those which are doubtful and perhaps harmful we +shall also briefly allude, leaving it to the common-sense of the +reader as to whether he will hereafter observe in his own manners +these so-called optional civilities. + +In France, when a gentleman takes off his hat in a windy street or +in an exposed passage-way, and holds it in his hand while talking +to a lady, she always says, "_Couvrez vous_" (I beg of you not to +stand uncovered). A kind-hearted woman says this to a boatman, a +coachman, a man of low degree, who always takes off his hat when a +lady speaks to him. Now in our country, unfortunately, the cabmen +have such bad manners that a lady seldom has the opportunity of +this optional civility, for, unlike a similar class in Europe, +those who serve you for your money in America often throw in a +good deal of incivility with the service, and no book of etiquette +is more needed than one which should teach shop-girls and shop-men +the beauty and advantages of a respectful manner. If men who drive +carriages and street cabs would learn the most advantageous way of +making money, they would learn to touch their hats to a lady when +she speaks to them or gives an order. It is always done in the Old +World, and this respectful air adds infinitely to the pleasures of +foreign travel. + +In all foreign hotels the landlords enforce such respect on the +part of the waiters to the guests of the hotel that if two +complaints are made of incivility, the man or woman complained of +is immediately dismissed. In a livery-stable, if the hired +coachman is complained of for an uncivil answer, or even a silence +which is construed as incivility, he is immediately discharged. On +the lake of Como, if a lady steps down to a wharf to hire a boat, +every boatman takes off his cap until she has finished speaking, +and remains uncovered until she asks him to put on his hat. + +Now optional civilities, such as saying to one's inferior, "Do not +stand without your hat," to one's equal, "Do not rise, I beg of +you," "Do not come out in the rain to put me in my carriage," +naturally occur to the kind-hearted, but they may be cultivated. +It used to be enumerated among the uses of foreign travel that a +man went away a bear and came home a gentleman. It is not natural +to the Anglo-Saxon race to be overpolite. They have no _petits +soins_. A husband in France moves out an easy-chair for his wife, +and sets a footstool for every lady. He hands her the morning +paper, he brings a shawl if there is danger of a draught, he +kisses her hand when he comes in, and he tries to make himself +agreeable to her in the matter of these little optional +civilities. It has the most charming effect upon all domestic +life, and we find a curious allusion to the politeness observed by +French sons towards their mothers and fathers in one of Moliere's +comedies, where a prodigal son observes to his father, who comes +to denounce him, "Pray, sir, take a chair," says Prodigal; "you +could scold me so much more at your ease if you were seated." + +If this was a piece of optional civility which had in it a bit of +sarcasm, we can readily see that civility lends great strength to +satire, and take a hint from it in our treatment of rude people. A +lady once entering a crowded shop, where the women behind the +counter were singularly inattentive and rude even for America, +remarked to one young woman who was lounging on the counter, and +who did not show any particular desire to serve her, + +"My dear, you make me a convert to the Saturday-afternoon +early-closing rule, and to the plan for providing seats for +saleswomen, for I see that fatigue has impaired your usefulness to +your employer." + +The lounger started to her feet with flashing eyes. "I am as +strong as you are," said she, very indignantly. + +"Then save yourself a report at the desk by showing me some lace," +said the lady, in a soft voice, with a smile. + +She was served after this with alacrity. In America we are all +workers; we have no privileged class; we are earning money in +various servitudes, called variously law, medicine, divinity, +literature, art, mercantile business, or as clerks, servants, +seamstresses, and nurses, and we owe it to our work to do it not +only honestly but pleasantly. It is absolutely necessary to +success in the last-mentioned profession that a woman have a +pleasant manner, and it is a part of the instruction of the +training-school of nurses, that of civility. It is not every one +who has a fascinating manner. What a great gift of fortune it is! +But it is in every one's power to try and cultivate a civil +manner. + +In the matter of "keeping a hotel"--a slang expression which has +become a proverb--how well the women in Europe understand their +business, and how poorly the women in America understand theirs! +In England and all over the Continent the newly arrived stranger +is received by a woman neatly dressed, with pleasant, respectful +manners, who is overflowing with optional civilities. She conducts +the lady to her room, asks if she will have the blinds drawn or +open, if she will have hot water or cold, if she would like a cup +of tea, etc.; sends a neat chambermaid to her to take her orders, +gets her pen and paper for her notes--in fact, treats her as a +lady should treat a guest. Even in very rural districts the +landlady comes out to her own door to meet the stranger, holds her +neat hand to assist her to alight, and performs for her all the +service she can while she is under her roof. + +In America a lady may alight in what is called a tavern, weary, +travel-stained, and with a headache. She is shown into a +waiting-room where sits, perhaps, an overdressed female in a +rocking-chair violently fanning herself. She learns that this is +the landlady. She asks if she can have a room, some hot water, +etc. The answer may be, "I don't know; I don't have to work; +perhaps Jim will tell you." And it is to the man of the house that +the traveller must apply. It is a favorable sign that American men +are never ashamed to labor, although they may not overflow with +civility. It is a very unfavorable sign for the women of America +when they are afraid or ashamed of work, and when they hesitate to +do that which is nearest them with civility and interest. + +Another test of self-respect, and one which is sometimes lacking +in those whom the world calls fashionable, those who have the +possessions which the majority of us desire, fine houses, fine +clothes, wealth, good position, etc., is the lack or the presence +of "fine courtesy," which shall treat every one so that he or she +is entirely at ease. + +"Society is the intercourse of persons on a footing of apparent +equality," and if so, any one in it who treats other people so as +to make them uncomfortable is manifestly unfit for society. Now an +optional courtesy should be the unfailing custom of such a woman, +we will say, one who has the power of giving pain by a slight, who +can wound _amour propre_ in the shy, can make a _d‚butante_ +stammer and blush, can annoy a shy youth by a sneer. How many a +girl has had her society life ruined by the cruelty of a society +leader! how many a young man has had his blood frozen by a +contemptuous smile at his awkwardness! How much of the native +good-will of an impulsive person has been frozen into a caustic +and sardonic temper by the lack of a little optional civility? The +servant who comes for a place, and seats herself while the lady +who speaks to her is standing, is wanting in optional civility. +She sins from ignorance, and should be kindly told of her offence, +and taught better manners. The rich woman who treats a guest +impolitely, the landlady who sits in her rocking-chair while the +traveller waits for those comforts which her house of call +invites, all are guilty of the same offence. It hurts the landlady +and the servant more nearly than it does the rich woman, because +it renders their self-imposed task of getting a living the more +difficult, but it is equally reprehensible in all three. + +Good manners are said to be the result of a kind heart and careful +home training; bad manners, the result of a coarse nature and +unwise training. We are prone to believe that bad manners in +Americans are almost purely from want of thought. There is no more +generous, kindly, or better people in the world than the standard +American, but he is often an untrained creature. The thousands of +emigrants who land on our shores, with privileges which they never +thought to have thrust upon them, how can they immediately learn +good manners? In the Old World tradition of power is still so +fresh that they have to learn respect for their employers there. +Here there are no such traditions. + +The first duty, then, it would seem, both for those to whom +fortune has been kind and for those who are still courting her +favors, would be to study optional civility; not only the +decencies of life, but a little more. Not only be virtuous, but +have the shadows of virtue. Be polite, be engaging; give a cordial +bow, a gracious smile; make sunshine in a shady place. Begin at +home with your optional civility. Not only avoid those serious +breaches of manners which should cause a man to kick another man +down-stairs, but go further than good manners--have _better_ +manners. Let men raise their hats to women, give up seats in cars, +kiss the hand of an elderly lady if she confers the honor of her +acquaintance upon them, protect the weak, assist the fallen, and +cultivate civility; in every class of life this would oil the +wheels; and especially let American women seek to mend their +manners. + +Optional civility does not in any way include familiarity. We +doubt whether it is not the best of all armor against it. +Familiarity is "bad style." It is not civility which causes one +lady to say to another, "Your bonnet is very unbecoming; let me +beg of you to go to another milliner." That is familiarity, which +however much it may be supposed to be excess of friendship, is +generally either caused by spite or by a deficiency of respect The +latter is never pardonable. It is in doubtful taste to warn people +of their faults, to comment upon their lack of taste, to carry +them disagreeable tidings, under the name of friendship. On the +Continent, where diffidence is unknown, where a man, whoever he +may be, has a right to speak to his fellow-man (if he does it +civilly), where a woman finds other women much more polite to her +than women are to each other in this country, there is no +familiarity. It is almost an insult to touch the person; for +instance, no one places his hand on the arm or shoulder of another +person unless there is the closest intimacy; but everywhere there +is an optional civility freely given between poor and poor, rich +and poor, rich and rich, superiors and inferiors, between equals. +It would be pleasant to follow this out in detail, the results are +so agreeable and so honorable. + +CHAPTER III. +GOOD AND BAD SOCIETY. + +Many of our correspondents ask us to define what is meant by the +terms "good society" and "bad society." They say that they read in +the newspapers of the "good society" in New York and Washington +and Newport, and that it is a record of drunkenness, flirtation, +bad manners and gossip, backbiting, divorce, and slander. They +read that the fashionable people at popular resorts commit all +sorts of vulgarities, such as talking aloud at the opera, and +disturbing their neighbors; that young men go to a dinner, get +drunk, and break glasses; and one ingenuous young girl remarks, +"We do not call that good society in Atlanta." + +Such a letter might have been written to that careful chronicler +of "good society" in the days of Charles II., old Pepys of courtly +fame. The young maiden of Hertfordshire, far from the Court, might +well have thought of Rochester and such "gay sparks," and the +ladies who threw glasses of wine at them, as not altogether +well-bred, nor entitled to admission into "good society." We +cannot blame her. + +It is the old story. Where, too, as in our land, pleasure and +luxury rule a certain set who enjoy no tradition of good manners, +the contradiction in terms is the more apparent. Even the external +forms of respect to good manners are wanting. No such overt +vulgarity, for instance, as talking aloud at the opera will ever +be endured in London, because a powerful class of really well-born +and well-bred people will hiss it down, and insist on the quiet +which music, of all other things, demands. That is what we mean by +a tradition of good manners. + +In humbler society, we may say as in the household of a Scotch +peasant, such as was the father of Carlyle, the breaches of +manners which are often seen in fashionable society would never +occur. They would appear perfectly impossible to a person who had +a really good heart and a gentle nature. The manners of a young +man of fashion who keeps his hat on when speaking to a lady, who +would smoke in her face, and would appear indifferent to her +comfort at a supper-table, who would be contradictory and +neglectful--such manners would have been impossible to Thomas or +John Carlyle, reared as they were in the humblest poverty. It was +the "London swell" who dared to be rude in their day as now. + +But this impertinence and arrogance of fashion should not prevent +the son of a Scotch peasant from acquiring, or attempting to +acquire, the conventional habits and manners of a gentleman. If he +have already the grace of high culture, he should seek to add to +it the knowledge of social laws, which will render him an +agreeable person to be met in society. He must learn how to write +a graceful note, and to answer his invitations promptly; he must +learn the etiquette of dress and of leaving cards; he must learn +how to eat his dinner gracefully, and, even if he sees in good +society men of external polish guilty of a rudeness which would +have shocked the man who in the Scotch Highlands fed and milked +the cows, he still must not forget that society demands something +which was not found in the farm-yard. Carlyle, himself the +greatest radical and democrat in the world, found that life at +Craigenputtock would not do all for him, that he must go to London +and Edinburgh to rub off his solitary neglect of manners, and +strive to be like other people. On the other band, the Queen of +England has just refused to receive the Duke of Marlborough +because he notoriously ill-treated the best of wives, and had +been, in all his relations of life, what they call in England a +"cad." She has even asked him to give back the Star and Garter, +the insignia once worn by the great duke, which has never fallen +on shoulders so unworthy as those of the late Marquis of +Blandford, now Duke of Marlborough. For all this the world has +great reason to thank the Queen, for the present duke has been +always in "good society," and such is the reverence felt for rank +and for hereditary name in England that he might have continued in +the most fashionable circles for all his bad behaviour, still +being courted for name and title, had not the highest lady in the +land rebuked him. + +She has refused to receive the friends of the Prince of Wales, +particularly some of his American favorites, this good Queen, +because she esteems good manners and a virtuous life as a part of +good society. + +Now, those who are not "in society" are apt to mistake all that is +excessive, all that is boorish, all that is snobbish, all that is +aggressive, as being a part of that society. In this they are +wrong. No one estimates the grandeur of the ocean by the rubbish +thrown up on the shore. Fashionable society, good society, the +best society, is composed of the very best people, the most +polished and accomplished, religious, moral, and charitable. + +The higher the civilization, therefore, the better the society, +it being always borne in mind that there will be found, here and +there, the objectionable outgrowths of a false luxury and of an +insincere culture. No doubt, among the circles of the highest +nobility, while the king and queen may be people of simple and +unpretending manners, there may be some arrogant and +self-sufficient master of ceremonies, some Malvolio whose +pomposity is in strange contrast to the good-breeding of Olivia. +It is the lesser star which twinkles most. The "School for +Scandal" is a lasting picture of the folly and frivolity of a +certain phase of London society in the past, and it repeats itself +in every decade. There is always a Mrs. Candour, a Sir Benjamin +Backbite, and a scandalous college at Newport, in New York, +Milwaukee, Philadelphia, Boston, Baltimore, Chicago, Saratoga, +Long Branch, wherever society congregates. It is the necessary +imperfection, the seamy side. Such is the reverse of the pattern. +Unfortunately, the right side is not so easily described. The +colors of a beautiful bit of brocade are, when seen as a whole, so +judiciously blended that they can hardly be pronounced upon +individually: one only admires the _tout ensemble_, and that +uncritically, perhaps. + +That society is bad whose members, however tenacious they be of +forms of etiquette and elaborate ceremonials, have one code of +manners for those whom they deem their equals, and another for +those whom they esteem to be of less importance to them by reason +of age, pecuniary condition, or relative social influence. Bad +manners are apt to prove the concomitant of a mind and disposition +that are none too good, and the fashionable woman who slights and +wounds people because they cannot minister to her ambition, +challenges a merciless criticism of her own moral shortcomings. A +young girl who is impertinent or careless in her demeanor to her +mother or her mother's friends; who goes about without a chaperon +and talks slang; who is careless in her bearing towards young men, +permitting them to treat her as if she were one of themselves; +who accepts the attention of a young man of bad character or +dissipated habits because he happens to be rich; who is loud in +dress and rough in manner--such a young girl is "bad society," be +she the daughter of an earl or a butcher. There are many such +instances of audacity in the so-called "good society" of America, +but such people do not spoil it; they simply isolate themselves. + +A young man is "bad society" who is indifferent to those older +than himself, who neglects to acknowledge invitations, who sits +while a lady stands, who goes to a ball and does not speak to his +host, who is selfish, who is notoriously immoral and careless of +his good name, and who throws discredit on his father and mother +by showing his ill-breeding. No matter how rich, how externally +agreeable to those whom he may wish to court, no matter how much +varnish of outward manner such a man may possess, he is "bad +society." + +A parvenue who assumes to keep other people out of the society +which she has just conquered, whose thoughts are wholly upon +social success (which means, with her, knowing somebody who has +heretofore refused to know her), who is climbing, and throwing +backward looks of disdain upon those who also climb--such a woman, +unfortunately too common in America, is, when she happens to have +achieved a fashionable position, one of the worst instances of bad +society. She may be very prominent, powerful, and influential. She +may have money and "entertain," and people desirous of being +amused may court her, and her bad manners will be accepted by the +careless observer as one of the concomitants of fashion. The +reverse is true. She is an interloper in the circles of good +society, and the old fable of the ass in the lion's skin fits her +precisely. Many a duchess in England is such an interloper; her +supercilious airs betray the falsity of her politeness, but she is +obliged by the rules of the Court at which she has been educated +to "behave like a lady;" she has to counterfeit good-breeding; she +cannot, she dare not, behave as a woman who has suddenly become +rich may sometimes, nay does, behave in American society, and +still be received. + +It will thus be seen, as has been happily expressed, that "fashion +has many classes, and many rules of probation and admission." A +young person ignorant of its laws should not be deluded, however, +by false appearances. If a young girl comes from the most secluded +circles to Saratoga, and sees some handsome, well-dressed, +conspicuous woman much courted, lionized, as it were, and observes +in her what seems to be insolent pretence, unkindness, frivolity, +and superciliousness, let her inquire and wait before she accepts +this bit of brass for pure gold. Emerson defines "sterling fashion +as funded talent." Its objects may be frivolous or objectless; +but, in the long-run, its purposes are neither frivolous nor +accidental. It is an effort for good society; it is the bringing +together of admirable men and women in a pleasant way. +Good-breeding, personal superiority, beauty, genius, culture, are +all very good things. Every one delights in a person of charming +manners. Some people will forgive very great derelictions in a +person who has charming manners, but the truly good society is the +society of those who have virtue and good manners both. + +Some Englishman asked an American, "What sort of a country is +America?" "It is a country where everybody can tread on +everybody's toes," was the answer. + +It is very bad society where any one wishes to tread on his +neighbor's toes, and worse yet where there is a disposition to +feel aggrieved, or to show that one feels aggrieved. There are +certain people new in society who are always having their toes +trodden upon. They say: "Mrs. Brown snubbed me; Mrs. Smith does +not wish to know me; Mrs. Thompson ought to have invited me. I am +as good as any of them." This is very bad society. No woman with +self-respect will ever say such things. If one meets with +rudeness, take no revenge, cast no aspersions. Wit and tact, +accomplishments and social talents, may have elevated some woman +to a higher popularity than another, but no woman will gain that +height by complaining. Command of temper, delicacy of feeling, and +elegance of manner--all these are demanded of the persons who +become leaders of society, and would remain so. They alone are +"good society." Their imitators may masquerade for a time, and +tread on toes, and fling scorn and insult about them while in a +false and insecure supremacy; but such pretenders to the throne +are soon unseated. There is a dreadful Sedan and Strasburg +awaiting them. They distrust their own flatterers; their +"appanage" is not a solid one. + +People who are looking on at society from a distance must remember +that women of the world are not always worldly women. They forget +that brilliancy in society may be accompanied by the best heart +and the sternest principle. The best people of the world are those +who know the world best. They recognize the fact that this world +should be known and served and treated with as much respect and +sincerity as that other world, which is to be our reward for +having conquered the one in which we live now. + +CHAPTER IV. +ON INTRODUCING PEOPLE. + +A lady in her own house can in these United States do pretty much +as she pleases, but there is one thing in which our cultivated and +exclusive city fashionable society seems agreed, and that is, that +she must not introduce two ladies who reside in the same town. It +is an awkward and an embarrassing restriction, particularly as the +other rule, which renders it easy enough--the English rule--that +the "roof is an introduction," and that visitors can converse +without further notice, is not understood. So awkward, however, +are Americans about this, that even in very good houses one lady +has spoken to another, perhaps to a young girl, and has received +no answer, "because she had not been introduced;" but this state +of ignorance is, fortunately, not very common. It should be met by +the surprised rejoinder of the Hoosier school-mistress: "Don't yer +know enough to speak when yer spoken to?" Let every woman +remember, whether she is from the backwoods, or from the most +fashionable city house, that no such casual conversation can hurt +her. It does not involve the further acquaintance of these two +persons. They may cease to know each other when they go down the +front steps; and it would be kinder if they would both relieve the +lady of the house of their joint entertainment by joining in the +conversation, or even speaking to each other. + +A hostess in this land is sometimes young, embarrassed, and not +fluent. The presence of two ladies with whom she is not very well +acquainted herself, and both of whom she must entertain, presents +a fearful dilemma. It is a kindness to her, which should outweigh +the dangers of making an acquaintance in "another set," if those +ladies converse a little with each other. + +If one lady desires to be introduced to another, the hostess +should ask if she may do so, of course unobtrusively. Sometimes +this places one lady in an unlucky position towards another. She +does not know exactly what to do. Mrs. So-and-so may have the gift +of exclusiveness, and may desire that Mrs. That-and-that shall not +have the privilege of bowing to her. Gurowski says, in his very +clever book on America, that snobbishness is a peculiarity of the +fashionable set in America, because they do not know where they +stand. It is the peculiarity of vulgar people everywhere, whether +they sit on thrones or keep liquor-shops; snobs are born--not +made. If, ever, a lady has this gift or this drawback of +exclusiveness, it is wrong to invade her privacy by introducing +people to her. + +Introducing should not be indiscriminately done either at home or +in society by any lady, however kind-hearted. Her own position +must be maintained, and that may demand a certain loyalty to her +own set. She must be careful how she lets loose on society an +undesirable or aggressive man, for instance, or a great bore, or a +vulgar, irritating woman. These will all be social obstacles to +the young ladies of her family, whom she must first consider. She +must not add to the embarrassments of a lady who has already too +large a visiting list. Unsolicited introductions are bad for both +parties. Some large-hearted women of society are too generous by +half in this way. A lady should by adroit questions find out how a +new acquaintance would be received, whether or not it is the +desire of both parties to know each other; for, if there is the +slightest doubt existing on this point, she will be blamed by +both. It is often the good-natured desire of a sympathetic person +that the people whom she knows well should know each other. She +therefore strives to bring them together at lunch or dinner, but +perhaps finds out afterwards that one of the ladies has particular +objections to knowing the other, and she is not thanked. The +disaffected lady shows her displeasure by being impolite to the +pushing lady, as she may consider her. Had no introduction taken +place, she argues, she might have Still enjoyed a reputation for +politeness. Wary women of the world are therefore very shy of +introducing two women to each other. + +This is the awkward side. The more agreeable and, we may say, +humane side has its thousands and thousands of supporters, who +believe that a friendly introduction hurts no one; but we are now +not talking of kindness, but of etiquette, which is decidedly +opposed to indiscriminate introductions. + +Society is such a complicated organization, and its laws are so +lamentably unwritten, yet so deeply engraved on certain minds, +that these things become important to those who are always winding +and unwinding the chains of fashion. + +It is therefore well to state it as a received rule that no +gentleman should ever be introduced to a lady unless her +permission has been asked, and she be given an opportunity to +refuse; and that no woman should be introduced formally to another +woman unless the introducer has consulted the wishes of both +women. No delicate-minded person would ever intrude herself upon +the notice of a person to whom she had been casually introduced in +a friend's drawing-room; but all the world, unfortunately, is not +made up of delicate-minded persons. + +In making an introduction, the gentleman is presented to the lady +with some such informal speech as this: "Mrs. A, allow me to +present Mr. B;" or, "Mrs. A, Mr. B desires the honor of knowing +you." In introducing two women, present the younger to the older +woman, the question of rank not holding good in our society where +the position of the husband, be he judge, general, senator, or +president even, does not give his wife fashionable position. She +may be of far less importance in the great world of society than +some Mrs. Smith, who, having nothing else, is set down as of the +highest rank in that unpublished but well-known book of heraldry +which is so thoroughly understood in America as a tradition. It is +the proper thing for a gentleman to ask a mutual friend or an +acquaintance to introduce him to a lady, and there are few +occasions when this request is refused. In our crowded ballrooms, +chaperons often ask young men if they will be introduced to their +charges. It is better before asking the young men of this present +luxurious age, if they will not only be introduced, but if they +propose to dance, with the young lady, else that young person may +be mortified by a snub. It is painful to record, as we must, that +the age of chivalry is past, and that at a gay ball young men +appear as supremely selfish, and desire generally only +introductions to the reigning belle, or to an heiress, not +deigning to look at the humble wall-flower, who is neither, but +whose womanhood should command respect. Ballroom introductions are +supposed to mean, on the part of the gentleman, either an +intention to dance with the young lady, to walk with her, or to +talk to her through one dance, or to show her some attention. + +Men scarcely ever ask to be introduced to each other, but if a +lady, through some desire of her own, wishes to present them, she +should never be met by indifference on their part. Men have a +right to be exclusive as to their acquaintances, of course; but at +a lady's table, or in her parlor, they should never openly show +distaste for each other's society before her. + +In America it is the fashion to shake hands, and most women, if +desirous of being cordial, extend their hands even on a first +introduction; but it is, perhaps, more elegant to make a bow only, +at a first introduction. + +In her own house a hostess should always extend her hand to a +person brought to her by a mutual friend, and introduced for the +first time. At a dinner-party, a few minutes before dinner, the +hostess introduces to a lady the gentleman who is to take her down +to the dining-room, but makes no further introductions, except in +the case of a distinguished stranger, to whom all the company are +introduced. Here people, as we have said, are shy of speaking, but +they should not be, for the room where they meet is a sufficient +guarantee that they can converse without any loss of dignity. + +At large gatherings in the country it is proper for the lady to +introduce her guests to each other, and it is perfectly proper to +do this without asking permission of either party. A mother always +introduces her son or daughter, a husband his wife, or a wife her +husband, without asking permission. + +A gentleman, after being introduced to a lady, must wait for her +to bow first before he ventures to claim her as an acquaintance. + +This is Anglo-Saxon etiquette. On the Continent, however, the +gentleman bows first. There the matter of the raising the hat is +also important. An American gentleman takes his hat quite off to a +lady; a foreigner raises it but slightly, and bows with a +deferential air. Between ladies but slightly acquainted, and just +introduced, a very formal bow is all that is proper; acquaintances +and friends bow and smile; intimate male friends simply nod, but +all gentlemen with ladies raise the hat and bow if the lady +recognizes a friend. + +Introductions which take place out-of-doors, as on the lawn-tennis +ground, in the hunting field, in the street, or in any casual way, +are not to be taken as necessarily formal, unless the lady chooses +so to consider them. The same may be said of introductions at a +watering-place, where a group of ladies walking together may meet +other ladies or gentlemen, and join forces for a walk or drive. +Introductions are needful, and should be made by the oldest lady +of the party, but are not to be considered as making an +acquaintance necessary between the parties if neither should +afterwards wish it. It is universally conceded now that this sort +of casual introduction does not involve either lady in the +net-work of a future acquaintance; nor need a lady recognize a +gentleman, if she does not choose to do so, after a watering-place +introduction. It is always, however, more polite to bow; that +civility hurts no one. + +There are in our new country many women who consider themselves +fashionable leaders--members of an exclusive set--and who fear if +they should know some other women out of that set that they would +imperil their social standing. These people have no titles by +which they can be known, so they preserve their exclusiveness by +disagreeable manners, as one would hedge a garden by a border of +prickly-pear. The result is that much ill-feeling is engendered in +society, and people whom these old aristocrats call the "_nouveaux +riches_," "parvenus," etc., are always having their feelings hurt. +The fact remains that the best-bred and most truly aristocratic +people do not find it necessary to hurt any one's feelings. An +introduction never harms anybody, and a woman with the slightest +tact can keep off a vulgar and a pushing person without being +rude. It is to be feared that there are vulgar natures among those +who aspire to be considered exclusive, and that they are gratified +if they can presumably increase their own importance by seeming +exclusive; but it is not necessary to dwell on such people. + +The place given here to the ill-bred is only conceded to them that +one may realize the great demands made upon the tact and the good +feeling of a hostess. She must have a quick apprehension; she may +and will remember, however, that it is very easily forgiven, this +kind-heartedness--that it is better to sin against etiquette than +to do an unkind thing. + +Great pains should be taken by a hostess to introduce shy people. +Young people are those whose pleasure must depend on +introductions. + +It is well for a lady in presenting two strangers to say something +which may break the ice, and make the conversation easy and +agreeable; as, for instance, "Mrs. Smith, allow me to present Mr. +Brown, who has just arrived from New Zealand;" or, "Mrs. Jones, +allow me to present Mrs. Walsingham, of Washington--or San +Francisco," so that the two may naturally have a question and +answer ready with which to step over the threshold of conversation +without tripping. + +At a five-o'clock tea or a large reception there are reasons why a +lady cannot introduce any one but the daughter or sister whom she +has in charge. A lady who comes and knows no one sometimes goes +away feeling that her hostess has been inattentive, because no one +has spoken to her. She remembers Europe, where the roof-tree has +been an introduction, and where people spoke kindly to her and did +not pass her by. Dinner-parties in stiff and formal London have +this great attraction: a gentleman steps up and speaks to a lady, +although they have never met before, and often takes her down to +dinner without an introduction. The women chat after dinner like +old friends; every one knows that the roof is a sufficient +guarantee. This is as it should be; but great awkwardness results +in the United States if one lady speaks to another and receives no +answer. "Pray, can you tell me who the pianist is?" said a leader +of society to a young girl near her at a private concert. The +young lady looked distressed and blushed, and did not answer. +Having seen a deaf-mute in the room whom she knew, the speaker +concluded that this young lady belonged to that class of persons, +and was very much surprised when later the hostess brought up this +silent personage and introduced her. + +"I could not speak to you before because I had not been +introduced--but the pianist is Mr. Mills," remarked this +punctilious person. "I, however, could speak to you, although we +had not been formally presented. The roof was a sufficient +guarantee of your respectability, and I thought from your not +answering that you were deaf and dumb," said the lady. + +The rebuke was deserved. Common-sense must interpret etiquette; +"nice customs courtesy to great kings." Society depends upon its +social soothsayers for all that is good in it. A disagreeable +woman can always find precedents for being formal and chilling; a +fine-tempered woman can always find reasons enough for being +agreeable. A woman would rather be a benediction than a curse, one +would think. We hold it proper, all things considered, that at +dinner-parties and receptions a hostess may introduce her friends +to each other. So long as there is embarrassment, or the mistake +made by the young lady above mentioned who would not answer a +civil question; so long as these mistakes and others are made, and +the result be stupidity and gloom, and a party silent and +thumb-twisting, instead of gayly conversing, as it should be; so +long as people do not come together easily--it is manifestly +proper that the hostess should put her finger on the social +pendulum, and give it a swing to start the conversational clock. +All well-bred people recognize the propriety of speaking to even +an enemy at a dinner-party, although they would suffer no +recognition an hour later. The same principle holds good, of +course, if, in the true exercise of her hospitality, the hostess +should introduce some person whom she would like to commend. These +are the exceptions which form the rule. + +Care should be taken in presenting foreigners to young ladies; +sometimes titles are dubious. Here, a hostess is to be forgiven if +she positively declines. She may say, politely, "I hardly think I +know you well enough to dare to present you to that young lady. +You must wait until her parents (or guardians, or chaperon) will +present you." + +But the numbers of agreeable people who are ready and waiting to +be introduced are many. The woman of literary distinction and the +possessor of an honored name may be invincibly shy and afraid to +speak; while her next neighbor, knowing her fame perhaps, and +anxious to make her acquaintance, misconstrues shyness for +pride--a masquerade which bashfulness sometimes plays; so two +people, with volumes to say to each other, remain silent as +fishes, until the kindly magician comes along, and, by the open +sesame of an introduction, unlocks the treasure which has been so +deftly hidden. A woman of fashion may enter an assembly of +thinkers and find herself dreaded and shunned, until some kind +word creates the _entente cordiale_. In the social entertainments +of New York, the majority prefer those where the hostess +introduces her guests--under, of course, these wise and proper +limitations. + +As for forms of introduction, the simplest are best. A lady should +introduce her husband as "Mr. Brown," "General Brown," "Judge +Brown." If he has a title she is always to give it to him. Our +simple forms of titular respect have been condemned abroad, and we +are accused of being all "colonels" and "generals;" but a wife +should still give her husband his title. In addressing the +President we say "Mr. President," but his wife should say, "Allow +me to introduce the President to you." The modesty of Mrs. Grant, +however, never allowed her to call her many-titled husband +anything but "Mr. Grant," which had, in her case, a sweetness +above all etiquette. + +Introductions in the homely German fatherland are universal, +everybody pronouncing to everybody else the name of the lady to +whom he is talking; and among our German fellow-citizens we often +see a gentleman convoying a lady through a crowded assemblage, +introducing her to everybody. It is a simple, cordial, and +pleasant thing enough, as with them the acquaintance stops there; +and a bow and smile hurt nobody. + +No one of heart or mind need feel afraid to talk and be agreeable, +whether introduced or not, at a friend's house; even if she meets +with the rebuff of a deaf-and-dumb neighbor, she need not feel +heart-broken: she is right, and her stiff acquaintance is wrong. + +If a gentleman asks to be presented to a lady, she should signify +her assent in a pleasant way, and pay her hostess, through whom +the request comes, the compliment of at least seeming to be +gratified at the introduction. Our American ladies are sometimes a +little lacking in cordiality of manner, often receiving a new +acquaintance with that part of their conformation which is known +as the "cold shoulder." A brusque discourtesy is bad, a very +effusive courtesy and a too low bow are worse, and an overwhelming +and patronizing manner is atrocious. The proper salutation lies +just between the two extremes: the_ juste milieu_ is the proper +thing always. In seeking introductions for ourselves, while we +need not be shy of making a first visit or asking for an +introduction, we must still beware of "push." There are instincts +in the humblest understanding which will tell us where to draw the +line. If a person is socially more prominent than ourselves, or +more distinguished in any way, we should not be violently anxious +to take the first step; we should wait until some happy chance +brought us together, for we must be as firm in our self-respect as +our neighbor is secure in her exalted position. Wealth has +heretofore had very little power to give a person an exclusively +fashionable position. Character, breeding, culture, good +connections--all must help. An aristocrat who is such by virtue of +an old and honored name which has never been tarnished is a power +in the newest society as in the oldest; but it is a shadowy power, +felt rather than described. Education is always a power. + +To be sure, there is a tyranny in large cities of what is known as +the "fashionable set," formed of people willing to spend money; +who make a sort of alliance, offensive and defensive; who can give +balls and parties and keep certain people out; who have the place +which many covet; who are too much feared and dreaded. If those +who desire an introduction to this set strive for it too much, +they will be sure to be snubbed; for this circle lives by +snubbing. If such an aspirant will wait patiently, either the +whole autocratic set of ladies will disband--for such sets +disentangle easily--or else they in their turn will come knocking +at the door and ask to be received. _L'art de tenir salon_ is not +acquired in an hour. It takes many years for a new and an +uninstructed set to surmount all the little awkwardnesses, the +dubious points of etiquette, that come up in every new shuffle of +the social cards; but a modest and serene courtesy, a civility +which is not servile, will be a good introduction into any +society. + +And it is well to have that philosophical spirit which puts the +best possible interpretation upon the conduct of others. Be not in +haste to consider yourself neglected. Self-respect does not easily +receive an insult. A lady who is fully aware of her own +respectability, who has always lived in the best society, is never +afraid to bow or call first, or to introduce the people whom she +may desire should know each other. She perhaps presumes on her +position, but it is very rare that such a person offends; for tact +is almost always the concomitant of social success. + +There has been a movement lately towards the stately bows and +courtesies of the past in our recent importation of Old-World +fashions. A lady silently courtesies when introduced, a gentleman +makes a deep bow without speaking. We have had the custom of +hand-shaking--and a very good custom it is--but perhaps the latest +fashion in ceremonious introduction forbids it. If a gentleman +carries his crush hat, and a lady her fan and a bouquet, +hand-shaking may not be perfectly convenient. However, if a lady +or gentleman extends a hand, it should be taken cordially. Always +respond to the greeting in the key-note of the giver. + +CHAPTER V. +VISITING. + +No term admits of a wider interpretation than this; no subject is +capable of a greater number of subdivisions. The matter of formal +visiting has led to the writing of innumerable books. The decay of +social visiting is a cause of regret to all the old-fashioned +people who remember how agreeable it was; but our cities have +grown too large for it, and in our villages the population changes +too quickly. The constant effort to make the two systems shake +hands, to add cordiality to formality, and to provide for all the +forced conditions of a rapidly growing and constantly changing +society, these are but a few of the difficulties attending this +subject. + +The original plan of an acquaintance in a formal city circle was +to call once or twice a year on all one's friends personally, with +the hope and the remote expectation of finding two or three at +home. When society was smaller in New York, this was possible, but +it soon grew to be impossible, as in all large cities. This +finally led to the establishment of a reception day which held +good all winter. That became impossible and tiresome, and was +narrowed down to four Tuesdays, perhaps, in one month; that +resolved itself into one or two five-o'clock teas; and then again, +if a lady got lame or lazy or luxurious, even the last easy method +of receiving her friends became too onerous, and cards were left +or sent in an envelope. + +Now, according to the strict rules of etiquette, one card a year +left at the door, or one sent in an envelope, continues the +acquaintance. We can never know what sudden pressure of calamity, +what stringent need of economy, what exigencies of work, may +prompt a lady to give up her visiting for a season. Even when +there is no apparent cause, society must ask no questions, but +must acquiesce in the most good-natured view of the subject. + +Still, there must be uniformity. We are not pleased to receive +Mrs. Brown's card by post, and then to meet her making a personal +visit to our next neighbor. We all wish to receive our personal +visits, and if a lady cannot call on all her formal acquaintances +once, she had better call on none. + +If she gives one reception a year and invites all her "list," she +is then at liberty to refrain from either calling or sending a +card, unless she is asked to a wedding or dinner, a ladies' lunch +or a christening, or receives some very particular invitation +which she must return by an early personal call--the very formal +and the punctilious say within a week, but that is often +impossible. + +And if a lady have a day, the call should be made on that day; it +is rude to ignore the intimation. One should try to call on a +reception day. But here in a crowded city another complication +comes in. If a lady have four Thursdays in January and several +other ladies have Thursdays, it may be impossible to reach all +those ladies on their reception day. There is nothing for it, +then, but to good-naturedly apologize, and to regret that calling +hours are now reduced to between four and six in large cities. + +Some people have too many acquaintances. If they hope to do +anything in the world but drive about and leave cards, they must +exonerate themselves from blame by giving a reception, having a +day or an evening for receiving, and then trust to the good-nature +of society, or its forgetfulness, which is about the same thing, +to excuse them. + +Happy those ladies who can give up an evening a week to their +friends; that rubs out the score on the social slate, besides +giving a number of people a chance to spend a very agreeable hour +in that society which gathers around a hospitable lamp. + +The danger of this kind of hospitality is that it is abused by +bores, who are too apt to congregate in numbers, and to wear out +the lady of the house by using her parlor as a spot where they are +safe from the rain and cold and free to bestow their tediousness +on anybody, herself included. Then a lady after committing herself +to a reception evening often wishes to go out herself. It requires +unselfishness to give up an evening to that large circle, some of +whom forget it, some go elsewhere, some come too often, and +sometimes, alas! no on e calls. These are the drawbacks of an +"evening at home." However, it is a laudable custom; one could +wish it were more common. + +No one can forget the eloquent thanks of such men as Horace +Walpole, and other persons of distinction, to the Misses Berry, in +London, who kept up their evening receptions for sixty years. But, +from the trials of those who have too much visiting, we turn to +the people who have all the means and appliances of visiting and +no one to visit. + +The young married woman who comes to New York, or any other large +city, often passes years of loneliness before she has made her +acquaintances. She is properly introduced, we will say by her +mother-in-law or some other friend, and then, after a round of +visits in which she has but, perhaps, imperfectly apprehended the +positions and names of her new acquaintances, she has a long +illness, or she is called into mourning, or the cares of the +nursery surround her, and she is shut out from society until it +has forgotten her; and when she is ready to emerge, it is +difficult for her to find her place again in the visiting-book. If +she is energetic and clever, she surmounts this difficulty by +giving a series of receptions, or engaging in charities, or +working on some committee, making herself of use to society in +some way; and thus picks up her dropped stitches. But some young +women are without the courage and tact to do this thing; they +wait, expecting that society will find them out, and, taking them +up, will do all the work and leave them to accept or refuse +civilities as they please. Society never does this; it has too +much on its hands; a few conspicuously beautiful and gifted people +may occasionally receive such an ovation, but it is not for the +rank and file. + +Every young woman should try to make at least one personal visit +to those who are older than herself, and she should show charity +towards those who do not return this visit immediately. Of course, +she has a right to be piqued if her visit be persistently ignored; +and she should not press herself upon a cold or indifferent +acquaintance, but she should be slow to wrath; and if she is once +invited to the older lady's house, it is worth a dozen calls so +far as the intention of civility is concerned. + +It is proper to call in person, or to leave a card, after an +acquaintance has lost a relative, after an engagement is +announced, after a marriage has taken place, after a return from +Europe, and of course after an invitation has been extended; but, +as society grows larger and larger, the first four visits may be +omitted, and cards sent if it is impossible to pay the visits +personally. Most ladies in large cities are invisible except on +their days; in this way alone can they hope to have any time for +their own individual tastes, be these what they may--china +painting, authorship, embroidery, or music. So the formal visiting +gets to be a mere matter of card-leaving; and the witty author who +suggested that there should be a "clearing-house for cards," and +who hailed the Casino at Newport as a good institution for the +same, was not without genius. One hates to lose time in this world +while greasing the machinery, and the formal, perfunctory +card-leaving is little else. + +Could we all have abundant leisure and be sure to find our friends +at home, what more agreeable business than visiting? To wander +from one pleasant interior to another, to talk a little harmless +gossip, to hear the last _mot_, the best piece of news, to see +one's friends, their children, and the stranger within their +gates--all this is charming; it is the Utopia of society; it would +be the apotheosis of visiting--if there were such a thing! + +Unfortunately, it is impossible. There may be here and there a +person of such exalted leisure that he can keep his accounts to +society marked in one of those purple satin manuals stamped +"Visites," and make the proper marks every day under the heads of +"address," "received," "returned visits," and "reception days," +but he is a _rara avis_. + +Certain rules are, however, immutable. A first call from a new +acquaintance should be speedily returned. These are formal calls, +and should be made in person between the hours of four and six in +New York and other large cities. Every town has its own hours for +receiving, however. When calling for the first time on several +ladies not mother and daughters in one family, a card should be +left on each. In the first call of the season, a lady leaves her +own card and those of her husband, sons, and daughters. + +A lady has a right to leave her card without asking for the lady +of the house if it is not her day, or if there is any reason--such +as bad weather, pressure of engagements, or the like--which +renders time an important matter. + +If ladies are receiving, and she is admitted, the visitor should +leave her husband's cards for the gentlemen of the family on the +hall table. Strangers staying in town who wish to be called upon +should send their cards by post, with address attached, to those +whom they would like to see. There is no necessity of calling +after a tea or general reception if one has attended the +festivity, or has left or sent a card on that day. + +For reception days a lady wears a plain, dark, rich dress, taking +care, however, never to be overdressed at home. She rises when her +visitors enter, and is careful to seat her friends so that she can +have a word with each. If this is impossible, she keeps her eye on +the recent arrivals to be sure to speak to every one. She is to be +forgiven if she pays more attention to the aged, to some +distinguished stranger, or to some one who has the still higher +claim of misfortune, or to one of a modest and shrinking +temperament, than to one young, gay, fashionable, and rich. If she +neglects these fortunate visitors they will not feel it; if she +bows low to them and neglects the others, she betrays that she is +a snob. If a lady is not sure that she is known by name to her +hostess, she should not fail to pronounce her own name. Many +ladies send their cards to the young brides who have come into a +friend's family, and yet who are without personal acquaintance. +Many, alas! forget faces, so that a name quickly pronounced is a +help. In the event of an exchange of calls between two ladies who +have never met (and this has gone on for years in New York, +sometimes until death has removed one forever), they should take +an early opportunity of speaking to each other at some friend's +house; the younger should approach the elder and introduce +herself; it is always regarded as a kindness; or the one who has +received the first attention should be the first to speak. + +It is well always to leave a card in the hall even if one is +received, as it assists the lady's memory in her attempts to +return these civilities. Cards of condolence must be returned by a +mourning-card sent in an envelope at such reasonable time after +the death of a relative as one can determine again to take up the +business of society. When the separate card of a lady is left, +with her reception day printed in one corner, two cards of her +husband should be left, one for the lady, the other for the +master, of the house; but after the first call of the season, it +is not necessary to leave the husband's card, except after a +dinner invitation. It is a convenience, although not a universal +custom, to have the joint names of husband and wife, as "Dr. and +Mrs. J. B. Watson," printed on one card, to use as a card of +condolence or congratulation, but not as a visiting-card. These +cards are used as "P. P. C." cards, and can be sent in an envelope +by post. Society is rapidly getting over its prejudice against +sending cards by post. In Europe it is always done, and it is much +safer. Etiquette and hospitality have been reduced to a system in +the Old World. It would be much more convenient could we do that +here. Ceremonious visiting is the machinery by which an +acquaintance is kept up in a circle too large for social visiting; +but every lady should try to make one or two informal calls each +winter on intimate friends. These calls can be made in the morning +in the plainest walking-dress, and are certainly the most +agreeable and flattering of all visits. + +CHAPTER VI. +INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES, AND REGRETS. + +The engraving of invitation-cards has become the important +function of more than one enterprising firm in every city, so that +it seems unnecessary to say more than that the most plain and +simple style of engraving the necessary words is all that is +requisite. + +The English ambassador at Rome has a plain, stiff, unglazed card +of a large size, on which is engraved, + + Sir Augustus and Lady Paget + request the pleasure of ______ company + on Thursday evening, November fifteenth, at ten o'clock. + The favor of an answer is requested. + +The lady of the house writes the name of the invited guest in the +blank space left before the word "company." Many entertainers in +America keep these blanks, or half-engraved invitations, always on +hand, and thus save themselves the trouble of writing the whole +card. + +Sometimes, however, ladies prefer to write their own dinner +invitations. The formula should always be, + + Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown + request the pleasure of + Mr. and Mrs. Jones's company at dinner. + November fifteenth, at seven o'clock, + 132 Blank St. West. + +These invitations should be immediately answered, and with a +peremptory acceptance or a regret. Never enter into any discussion +or prevision with a dinner invitation. Never write, saying "you +will come if you do not have to leave town," or that you will "try +to come," or, if you are a married pair, that you will "one of you +come." Your hostess wants to know exactly who is coming and who +isn't, that she may arrange her table accordingly. Simply say, + + Mr. and Mrs. James Jones + accept with pleasure the polite invitation of + Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown for dinner + on November fifteenth, + at seven o'clock. + +Or if it is written in the first person, accept in the same +informal manner, but quickly and decisively. + +After having accepted a dinner invitation, if illness or any other +cause interfere with your going to the dinner, send all immediate +note to your hostess, that she may fill your place. Never +selfishly keep the place open for yourself if there is a doubt +about your going. It has often made or marred the pleasure of a +dinner-party, this hesitancy on the part of a guest to send in +time to her hostess her regrets, caused by the illness of her +child, or the coming on of a cold, or a death in the family, or +any other calamity. Remember always that a dinner is a most formal +affair, that it is the highest social compliment, that its happy +fulfilment is of the greatest importance to the hostess, and that +it must be met in the same formal spirit. It precludes, on her +part, the necessity of having to make a first call if she be the +older resident, although she generally calls first. Some young +neophytes in society, having been asked to a dinner where the +elderly lady who gave it had forgotten to enclose her card, asked +if they should call afterwards. Of course they were bound to do +so, although their hostess should have called or enclosed her +card. However, one invitation to dinner is better than many cards +as a social compliment. + +We have been asked by many, "To whom should the answer to an +invitation be addressed?" If Mr. and Mrs. Brown invite you, answer +Mr. and Mrs. Brown. If Mrs. John Jones asks you to a wedding, +answer Mrs. John Jones. Another of our correspondents asks, "Shall +I respond to the lady of the house or to the bride if asked to a +wedding?" This seems so impossible a confusion that we should not +think of mentioning so self-evident a fact had not the doubt +arisen. One has nothing to say to the bride in answering such an +invitation; the answer is to be sent to the hostess, who writes. + +Always carefully observe the formula of your invitation, and +answer it exactly. As to the card of the English ambassador, a +gentleman should write: "Mr. Algernon Gracie will do himself the +honor to accept the invitation of Sir Augustus and Lady Paget." In +America he would be a trifle less formal, saying, "Mr. Algernon +Gracie will have much pleasure in accepting the polite invitation +of Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown." We notice that on all English cards +the "R.S.V.P." is omitted, and that a plain line of English script +is engraved, saying, "The favor of an answer is requested." + +In this country the invitations to a dinner are always in the name +of both host and hostess, but invitations to a ball, "at home," a +tea, or garden-party, are in the name of the hostess alone. At a +wedding the names of both host and hostess are given. And if a +father entertains for his daughters, he being a widower, his name +appears alone for her wedding; but if his eldest daughter presides +over his household, his and her name appear together for dinners, +receptions, and "at homes." Many widowed fathers, however, omit +the names of their daughters on the invitation. A young lady at +the head of her father's house may, if she is no longer very +young, issue her own cards for a tea. It is never proper for very +young ladies to invite gentlemen in their own name to visit at the +house, call on them, or to come to dinner. The invitation must +come from the father, mother, or chaperon. + +At the Assembly, Patriarchs', Charity ball, or any public affair, +the word "ball" is used, but no lady invites you to a "ball" at +her own house. The words "At Home," with "Cotillion" or "Dancing" +in one corner, and the hour and date, alone are necessary. If it +is to be a small, informal dance, the word "Informal" should be +engraved in one corner. Officers of the army and navy giving a +ball, members of the hunt, bachelors, members of a club, heads of +committees, always "request the pleasure," or, "the honor of your +company." It is not proper for a gentleman to describe himself as +"at home;" he must "request the pleasure." A rich bachelor of +Utopia who gave many entertainments made this mistake, and sent a +card--"Mr. Horatio Brown. At Home. Tuesday, November fourteenth. +Tea at four"--to a lady who had been an ambassadress. She +immediately replied: "Mrs. Rousby is very glad to hear that Mr. +Horatio Brown is at home--she hopes that he will stay there; but +of what possible consequence is that to Mrs. Rousby?" This was a +piece of rough wit, but it told the young man of his mistake. +Another card, issued with the singular formula, "Mrs. Ferguson +hopes to see Mrs. Rousby at the church," on the occasion of the +wedding of a daughter, brought forth the rebuke, "Nothing is so +deceitful as human hope," The phrase is an improper one. Mrs. +Ferguson should have "requested the pleasure." + +In asking for an invitation to a ball for friends, ladies must be +cautious not to intrude too far, or to feel offended if refused. +Often a hostess has a larger list than she can fill, and she is +not able to ask all whom she would wish to invite. Therefore a +very great discretion is to be observed on the part of those who +ask a favor. A lady may always request an invitation for +distinguished strangers, or for a young dancing man if she can +answer for him in every way, but rarely for a married couple, and +almost never for a couple living in the same city, unless newly +arrived. + +Invitations to evening or day receptions are generally "at home" +cards. A lady may use her own visiting cards for five-o'clock tea. +For other entertainments, "Music," "Lawn-tennis," "Garden-party," +"Readings and Recitals," may be engraved in one corner, or written +in by the lady herself. + +As for wedding invitations, they are almost invariably sent out by +the parents of the bride, engraved in small script on note-paper. +The style can always be obtained of a fashionable engraver. They +should be sent out a fortnight before the wedding-day, and are not +to be answered unless the guests are requested to attend a +"sit-down" breakfast, when the answer must be as explicit as to a +dinner. Those who cannot attend the wedding send or leave their +visiting-cards either on the day of the wedding or soon after. +Invitations to a luncheon are generally written by the hostess on +note-paper, and should be rather informal, as luncheon is an +informal meal. However, nowadays ladies' luncheons have become +such grand, consequential, and expensive affairs, that invitations +are engraved and sent out a fortnight in advance, and answered +immediately. There is the same etiquette as at dinner observed at +these formal luncheons. There is such a thing, however, as a +"stand-up" luncheon--a sort of reception with banquet, from which +one could absent one's self without being missed. + +Punctuality in keeping all engagements is a feature of a well-bred +character, in society as well as in business, and it cannot be too +thoroughly insisted upon. + +In sending a "regret" be particular to word your note most +respectfully. Never write the word "regrets" on your card unless +you wish to insult your hostess. Send a card without any +pencilling upon it, or write a note, thus: "Mrs. Brown regrets +that a previous engagement will deprive her of the pleasure of +accepting the polite invitation of Mrs. Jones." + +No one should, in the matter of accepting or refusing an +invitation, economize his politeness. It is better to err on the +other side. Your friend has done his best in inviting you. + +The question is often asked us, "Should invitations be sent to +people in mourning?" Of course they should. No one would knowingly +intrude on a house in which there is or has been death within a +month; but after that, although it is an idle compliment, it is +one which must be paid; it is a part of the machinery of society. +As invitations are now directed by the hundreds by hired +amanuenses, a lady should carefully revise her list, in order that +no names of persons deceased may be written on her cards; but the +members of the family who remain, and who have suffered a loss, +should be carefully remembered, and should not be pained by seeing +the name of one who has departed included in the invitations or +wedding-cards. People in deep mourning are not invited to dinners +or luncheons, but for weddings and large entertainments cards are +sent as a token of remembrance and compliment. After a year of +mourning the bereaved family should send out cards with a narrow +black edge to all who have remembered them. + +Let it be understood that in all countries a card sent by a +private hand in an envelope is equivalent to a visit. In England +one sent by post is equivalent to a visit, excepting after a +dinner. Nothing is pencilled on a card sent by post, except the +three letters "P.P.C." No such words as "accepts," "declines," +"regrets" should be written on a card. As much ill-will is +engendered in New York by the loss of cards for large receptions +and the like, some of which the messenger-boys fling into the +gutter, it is a thousand pities that we cannot agree to send all +invitations by mail. People always get letters that are sent by +post, particularly those which they could do without. Why should +they not get their more interesting letters that contain +invitations? It is considered thoroughly respectful in England, +and as our people are fond of copying that stately etiquette, why +should they not follow this sensible part of it? + +It is in every sense as complimentary to send a letter by the post +as by the dirty fingers of a hired messenger. Very few people in +this country can afford to send by their own servants, who, again, +rarely find the right address. + +CHAPTER VII. +CARDS OF COMPLIMENT, COURTESY, CONDOLENCE, AND CONGRATULATION. + +A distinguished lady of New York, on recovering from a severe +illness, issued a card which is a new departure. In admiring its +fitness and the need which has existed for just such a card, we +wonder that none of us have before invented something so compact +and stately, pleasing and proper--that her thought had not been +our thought. It reads thus, engraved in elegant script, plain and +modest: "Mrs. ____ presents her compliments and thanks for recent +kind inquiries." This card, sent in an envelope which bears the +family crest as a seal, reached all those who had left cards and +inquiries for a useful and eminent member of society, who lay for +weeks trembling between life and death. + +This card is an attention to her large circle of anxious friends +which only a kind-hearted woman would have thought of, and yet the +thought was all; for after that the engraver and the secretary +could do the rest, showing what a labor-saving invention it is to +a busy woman who is not yet sufficiently strong to write notes to +all who had felt for her severe suffering. The first joy of +convalescence is of gratitude, and the second that we have created +an interest and compassion among our friends, and that we were not +alone as we struggled with disease. Therefore we may well +recommend that this card should become a fashion. It meets a +universal want. + +This may be called one of the "cards of compliment"--a phase of +card-leaving to which we have hardly reached in this country. It +is even more, it is a heartfelt and friendly blossom of etiquette, +"just out," as we say of the apple-blossoms. + +Now as to the use of it by the afflicted: why would it not be well +for persons who have lost a friend also to have such a card +engraved? "Mr. R____ begs to express his thanks for your kind +sympathy in his recent bereavement," etc. It would save a world of +letter-writing to a person who does not care to write letters, and +it would be a very pleasant token to receive when all other such +tokens are impossible. For people leave their cards on a mourner, +and never know whether they have been received or not. +Particularly is this true of apartment-houses; and when people +live in hotels, who knows whether the card ever reaches its +destination? We generally find that it has not done so, if we have +the courage to make the inquiry. + +Those cards which we send by a servant to make the necessary +inquiries for a sick friend, for the happy mother and the new-born +baby, are essentially "cards of compliment." In excessively +ceremonious circles the visits of ceremony on these occasions are +very elaborate--as at the Court of Spain, for instance; and a lady +of New York was once much amused at receiving the card of a superb +Spanish official, who called on her newly arrived daughter when +the latter was three days old, leaving a card for the "new +daughter." He of course left a card for the happy mamma, and did +not ask to go farther than the door, but he came in state. + +In England the "family" were wont to send christening cards after +a birth, but this has never been the fashion in this country, and +it is disappearing in England. The complimentary card issued for +such events is now generally an invitation to partake of caudle--a +very delicious porridge made of oatmeal and raisins, brandy, +spices, and sugar, and formally served in the lady's chamber +before the month's seclusion is broken. It will be remembered that +Tom Thumb was dropped into a bowl of fermity, which many +antiquarians suppose to have been caudle. Nowadays a caudle party +is a very gay, dressy affair, and given about six weeks after +young master or mistress is ready to be congratulated or condoled +with on his or her entrance upon this mundane sphere. We find in +English books of etiquette very formal directions as to these +cards of compliment. "Cards to inquire after friends during +illness must be left in person, and not sent by post. On a lady's +visiting-card must be written above the printed name, 'To +inquire,' and nothing else should be added to these words." + +For the purpose of returning thanks, printed cards are sold, with +the owner's name written above the printed words. These printed +cards are generally sent by post, as they are despatched while the +person inquired after is still an invalid. These cards are also +used to convey the intelligence of the sender's recovery. +Therefore they would not be sent while the person was in danger or +seriously ill. But this has always seemed to us a very poor and. +business-like way of returning "kind inquiries." The printed card +looks cheap. Far better the engraved and carefully prepared card +of Mrs. ____, which has the effect of a personal compliment. + +We do not in this country send those hideous funeral or memorial +cards which are sold in England at every stationer's to apprise +one's friends of a death in the family. There is no need of this, +as the newspapers spread the sad intelligence. + +There is, however, a very elaborate paper called a "_faire part_," +issued in both England and France after a death, in which the +mourner announces to you the lamented decease of some person +connected with him. Also on the occasion of a marriage, these +elaborate papers, engraved on a large sheet of letter-paper, are +sent to all one's acquaintances in England and on the Continent. + +Visits of condolence can begin the week after the event which +occasions them. Personal visits are only made by relatives or very +intimate friends, who will of course be their own judges of the +propriety of speaking fully of the grief which has desolated the +house. The cards are left at the door by the person inquiring for +the afflicted persons, and one card is as good as half a dozen. It +is not necessary to deluge a mourning family with cards. These +cards need not be returned for a year, unless our suggestion be +followed, and the card engraved as we have indicated, and then +sent by post. It is not yet a fashion, but it is in the air, and +deserves to be one. + +Cards of congratulation are left in person, and if the ladies are +at home the visitor should go in, and be hearty in his or her good +wishes. For such visits a card sent by post would, among intimate +friends, be considered cold-blooded. It must at least be left in +person. + +Now as to cards of ceremony. These are to be forwarded to those +who have sent invitations to weddings, carefully addressed to the +person who invites you; also after an entertainment to which you +have been asked, within a week after a dinner (this must be a +personal visit), and on the lady's "day," if she has one; and we +may add here that if on making a call a lady sees that she is not +recognized, she should hasten to give her name. (This in answer to +many inquiries.) Only calls of pure ceremony are made by handing +in cards, as at a tea or general reception, etc. When cards have +been left once in the season they need not be left again. + +Under the mixed heads of courtesy and compliment should be those +calls made to formally announce a betrothal. The parents leave the +cards of the betrothed pair, with their own, on all the +connections and friends of the two families. This is a formal +announcement, and all who receive this intimation should make a +congratulatory visit if possible. + +As young people are often asked without their parents, the +question arises, What should the parents do to show their sense of +this attention? They should leave or send their cards with those +of their children who have received the invitation. These are +cards of courtesy. Cards ought not to be left on the daughters of +a family without also including the parents in courteous +formality. Gentlemen, when calling on any number of ladies, send +in only one card, and cards left on a reception day where a person +is visiting are not binding on the visitor to return. No separate +card is left on a guest on reception days. + +When returning visits of ceremony, as the first visit after a +letter of introduction, or as announcing your arrival in town or +your intended departure, one may leave a card at the door without +inquiring for the lady. + +Attention to these little things is a proof at once of +self-respect and of respect for one's friends. They soon become +easy matters of habit, and of memory. To the well-bred they are +second nature. No one who is desirous of pleasing in society +should neglect them. + +A lady should never call on a gentleman unless professionally or +officially. She should knock at his door, send in her card, and be +as ceremonious as possible, if lawyer, doctor, or clergyman. On +entering a crowded drawing-room it may be impossible to find the +hostess at once, so that in many fine houses in New York the +custom of announcing the name has become a necessary fashion. It +is impossible to attempt to be polite without cultivating a good +memory. The absent or self-absorbed person who forgets names and +faces, who recalls unlucky topics, confuses relationships, speaks +of the dead as if they were living, or talks about an unlucky +adventure in the family, who plunges into personalities, who +metaphorically treads on a person's toes, will never succeed in +society. He must consider his "cards of courtesy." + +The French talk of "_la politesse du foyer_." They are full of it. +Small sacrifices, little courtesies, a kindly spirit, +insignificant attentions, self-control, an allowance for the +failings of others--these go to make up the elegance of life. True +politeness has its roots very deep. We should not cultivate +politeness merely from a wish to please, but because we would +consider the feelings and spare the time of others. Cards of +compliment and courtesy, therefore, save time as well as express a +kindly remembrance. Everything in our busy world--or "whirl," as +some people call it--that does these two things is a valuable +discovery. + +A card of courtesy is always sent with flowers, books, +bonbonnieres, game, sweetmeats, fruits--any of the small gifts +which are freely offered among intimate friends. But in +acknowledging these gifts or attentions a card is not a sufficient +return. Nor is it proper to write "regrets" or "accepts" on a +card. A note should be written in either case. + +A card of any sort must be scrupulously plain. Wedding cards +should be as simple and unostentatious as possible. + +The ceremony of paying visits and of leaving cards has been +decided by the satirist as meaningless, stupid, and useless; but +it underlies the very structure of society. Visits of form, visits +of ceremony, are absolutely necessary. You can hardly invite +people to your house until you have called and have left a card. +And thus one has a safeguard against intrusive and undesirable +acquaintances. To stop an acquaintance, one has but to stop +leaving cards. It is thus done quietly but securely. + +Gentlemen who have no time to call should be represented by their +cards. These may well be trusted to the hands of wife, mother, +daughter, sister, but should be punctiliously left. + +The card may well be noted as belonging only to a high order of +development. No monkey, no "missing link," no Zulu, no savage, +carries a card. It is the tool of civilization, its "field-mark +and device." It may be improved; it may be, and has been, abused; +but it cannot be dispensed with under our present environment. + +CHAPTER VIII. +THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. + +Scarcely a week passes during the year that the fashionable +journals do not publish "answers to correspondents" on that +subject of all others most interesting to young ladies, the +etiquette of weddings. No book can tell the plain truth with +sufficient emphasis, that the etiquette at a grand wedding is +always the same. The next day some one writes to a newspaper +again, + +"Shall the bridegroom wear a dress-coat at the hour of eleven +A.M., and who pays for the wedding-cards?" The wedding of to-day +in England has "set the fashion" for America. No man ever puts on +a dress-coat before his seven-o'clock dinner, therefore every +bridegroom is dressed in a frock-coat and light trousers of any +pattern he pleases; in other words, he wears a formal morning +dress, drives to the church with his best man, and awaits the +arrival of the bride in the vestry-room. He may wear gloves or not +as he chooses. The best man is the intimate friend, sometimes the +brother, of the groom. He accompanies him to the church, as we +have said, follows him to the altar, stands at his right hand a +little behind him, and holds his hat during the marriage-service. +After that is ended he pays the clergyman's fee, accompanies, in a +coup‚ by himself, the bridal party home, and then assists the +ushers to introduce friends to the bridal pair. + +The bridegroom is allowed to make what presents he pleases to the +bride, and to send something in the nature of a fan, a locket, a +ring, or a bouquet to the bridesmaids; he has also to buy the +wedding-ring, and, of course, he sends a bouquet to the bride; but +he is not to furnish cards or carriages or the wedding-breakfast; +this is all done by the bride's family. In England the groom is +expected to drive the bride away in his own carriage, but in +America even that is not often allowed. + +The bride meantime is dressed in gorgeous array, generally in +white satin, with veil of point-lace and orange blossoms, and is +driven to the church in a carriage with her father, who gives her +away. Her mother and other relatives having preceded her take the +front seats. Her bridesmaids should also precede her, and await +her in the chancel of the church. + +The ushers then proceed to form the procession with which almost +all city weddings are begun. The ushers first, two and two; then +the bridesmaids, two and two; then some pretty +children--bridesmaids under ten; and then the bride, leaning on +her father's right arm. Sometimes the child bridesmaids precede +the others. As the cortege reaches the lowest altar-step the +ushers break ranks and go to the right and left; the bridesmaids +also separate, going to the right and left, leaving a space for +the bridal pair. As the bride reaches the lowest step the +bridegroom advances, takes her by her right hand, and conducts her +to the altar, where they both kneel. The clergyman, being already +in his place, signifies to them when to rise, and then proceeds to +make the twain one. + +The bridal pair walk down the aisle arm-in-arm, and are +immediately conducted to the carriage and driven home; the rest +follow. In some cases, but rarely in this country, a bridal +register is signed in the vestry. + +Formerly brides removed the whole glove; now they adroitly cut the +finger of the left-hand glove, so that they can remove that +without pulling off the whole glove for the ring. Such is a church +wedding, performed a thousand times alike. The organ peals forth +the wedding-march, the clergyman pronounces the necessary vows to +slow music, or not, as the contracting parties please. Music, +however, adds very much to this ceremony. In a marriage at home, +the bridesmaids and best man are usually dispensed with. The +clergyman enters and faces the company, the bridal pair follow and +face him. After the ceremony the clergyman retires, and the wedded +pair receive congratulations. + +An attempt has been made in America to introduce the English +fashion of a wedding-breakfast. It is not as yet acclimated, but +it is, perhaps, well to describe here the proper etiquette. The +gentlemen and ladies who are asked to this breakfast should be +apprised of that honor a fortnight in advance, and should accept +or decline immediately, as it has all the formality of a dinner, +and seats are, of course, very important. On arriving at the house +where the breakfast is to be held, the gentlemen leave their hats +in the hall, but ladies do not remove their bonnets. After +greeting the bride and bridegroom, and the father and mother, the +company converse for a few moments until breakfast is announced. +Then the bride and groom go first, followed by the bride's father +with the groom's mother, then the groom's father with the bride's +mother, then the best man with the first bridesmaid, then the +bridesmaids with attendant gentlemen, who have been invited for +this honor, and then the other invited guests, as the bride's +mother has arranged. Coffee and tea are not offered, but bouillon, +salads, birds, oysters, and other hot and cold dishes, ices, +jellies, etc., are served at this breakfast, together with +champagne and other wines, and finally the wedding-cake is set +before the bride, and she cuts a slice. + +The health of the bride and groom is then proposed by the +gentleman chosen for this office, generally the father of the +groom, and responded to by the father of the bride. The groom is +sometimes expected to respond, and he proposes the health of the +bridesmaids, for which the best man returns thanks. Unless all are +unusually happy speakers, this is apt to be awkward, and +"stand-up" breakfasts are far more commonly served, as the French +say, _en buffet_. In the first place, the possibility of asking +more people commends this latter practice, and it is far less +trouble to serve a large, easy collation to a number of people +standing about than to furnish what is really a dinner to a number +sitting down. + +Wedding presents are sent any time within two months before the +wedding, the earlier the better, as many brides like to arrange +their own tables artistically, if the presents are shown. Also, +all brides should write a personal note thanking each giver for +his gift, be it large or small. + +All persons who send gifts should be invited to the wedding and to +the reception, although the converse of this proposition does not +hold true; for not all who are asked to the wedding are expected +to send gifts. + +Wedding presents have now become almost absurdly gorgeous. The old +fashion, which was started among the frugal Dutch, of giving the +young couple their household gear and a sum of money with which to +begin, has now degenerated into a very bold display of wealth and +ostentatious generosity, so that friends of moderate means are +afraid to send anything. Even the cushion on which a wealthy bride +in New York was lately expected to kneel was so elaborately +embroidered with pearls that she visibly hesitated to press it +with her knee at the altar. Silver and gold services, too precious +to be trusted to ordinary lock and key, are displayed at the +wedding and immediately sent off to some convenient safe. This is +one of the necessary and inevitable overgrowths of a luxury which +we have not yet learned to manage. In France they do things +better, those nearest of kin subscribing a sum of money, which is +sent to the bride's mother, who expends it in the bridal +trousseau, or in jewels or silver, as the bride pleases. + +So far has this custom transcended good taste that now many +persons of refined minds hesitate to show the presents. + +After giving an hour and a half to her guests, the bride retires +to change her dress; generally her most intimate friends accompany +her. She soon returns in her travelling-dress, and is met at the +foot of the stairs by the groom, who has also changed his dress. +The father, mother, and intimate friends kiss the bride, and, as +the happy pair drive off, a shower of satin slippers and rice +follows them. If one slipper alights on the top of the carriage, +luck is assured to them forever. + +Wedding-cake is no longer sent about. It is neatly packed in +boxes; each guest takes one, if she likes, as she leaves the +house. + +Wedding-favors made of white ribbon and artificial flowers are +indispensable in England, but America has had the good taste to +abjure them until lately. Such ornaments are used for the horses' +ears and the servants' coats in this country. Here the groom wears +a _boutonniere_ of natural flowers. + +A widow should never be accompanied by bridesmaids, or wear a veil +or orange-blossoms at her marriage. She should at church wear a +colored silk and a bonnet. She should be attended by her father, +brother, or some near friend. + +It is proper for her to remove her first wedding-ring, as the +wearing of that cannot but be painful to the bridegroom. + +If married at home, the widow bride may wear a light silk and be +bonnetless, but she should not indulge in any of the signs of +first bridal. + +It is an exploded idea that of allowing every one to kiss the +bride. It is only meet that the near relatives do that. + +The formula for wedding-cards is generally this: + + Mr. and Mrs. Brown + request the pleasure of your company + at the wedding of their daughter Maria to John Stanley, + at Ascension Church, + on Tuesday, November fifteenth, + at two o'clock. + +These invitations are engraved on note-paper. + +If friends are invited to a wedding-breakfast or a reception at +the house, that fact is stated on a separate card, which is +enclosed in the same envelope. + +Of course in great cities, with a large acquaintance, many are +asked to the church and not to the house. This fact should never +give offence. + +The smaller card runs in this fashion: + + Reception at + 99 B Street, at half-past two. + +To these invitations the invited guests make no response save to +go or to leave cards. All invited guests, however, are expected to +call on the young couple and to invite them during the year. + +Of course there are quieter weddings and very simple arrangements +as to serving refreshments: a wedding-cake and a decanter of +sherry often are alone offered to the witnesses of a wedding. + +Many brides prefer to be married in travelling-dress and hat, and +leave immediately, without congratulations. + +The honey-moon in our busy land is usually only a fortnight in the +sky, and some few bridal pairs prefer to spend it at the quiet +country house of a friend, as is the English fashion. But others +make a hurried trip to Niagara, or to the Thousand Islands, or go +to Europe, as the case may be. It is extraordinary that none stay +at home; in beginning a new life all agree that a change of place +is the first requisite. + +After the return home, bridal dinners and parties are offered to +the bride, and she is treated with distinction for three months. +Her path is often strewed with flowers from the church to her own +door, and it is, metaphorically, so adorned during the first few +weeks of married life. Every one hastens to welcome her to her new +condition, and she has but to smile and accept the amiable +congratulations and attentions which are showered upon her. Let +her parents remember, however, in sending cards after the wedding, +to let the bride's friends know where she can be found in her +married estate. + +Now as to the time for the marriage. There is something +exquisitely poetical in the idea of a June wedding. It is the very +month for the softer emotions and for the wedding journey. In +England it is the favorite month for marriages. May is considered +unlucky, and in an old almanac of 1678 we find the following +notice: "Times prohibiting marriage: Marriage comes in on the 13th +day of January and at Septuagesima Sunday; it is out again until +Low Sunday, at which time it comes in again and goes not out until +Rogation Sunday. Thence it is forbidden until Trinity Sunday, from +whence it is unforbidden until Advent Sunday; but then it goes out +and comes not in again until the 18th of January next following." + +Our brides have, however, all seasons for their own, excepting +May, as we have said, and Friday, an unlucky day. The month of +roses has very great recommendations. The ceremony is apt to be +performed in the country at a pretty little church, which lends +its altar-rails gracefully to wreaths, and whose Gothic windows +open upon green lawns and trim gardens. The bride and her maids +can walk over the delicate sward without soiling their slippers, +and an opportunity offers for carrying parasols made entirely of +flowers. But if it is too far to walk, the bride is driven to +church in her father's carriage with him alone, her mother, +sisters, and bridesmaids having preceded her. In England etiquette +requires that the bride and groom should depart from the church in +the groom's carriage. It is strict etiquette there that the groom +furnish the carriage with which they return to the +wedding-breakfast and afterwards depart in state, with many +wedding-favors on the horses' heads, and huge white bouquets on +the breasts of coachman and footman. + +It is in England, also, etiquette to drive with four horses to the +place where the honey-moon is to be spent; but in America the +drive is generally to the nearest railway-station. + +Let us give a further sketch of the duties of the best man. He +accompanies the groom to the church and stands near him, waiting +at the altar, until the bride arrives; then he holds the groom's +hat. He signs the register afterwards as witness, and pays the +clergyman's fee, and then follows the bridal procession out of the +church, joining the party at the house, where he still further +assists the groom by presenting the guests. The bridesmaids +sometimes form a line near the door at a June wedding, allowing +the bride to walk through this pretty alley-way to the church. + +The bridegroom's relatives sit at the right of the altar or +communion rails, thus being on the bridegroom's right hand, and +those of the bride sit on the left, at the bride's left hand. The +bridegroom and best man stand on the clergyman's left hand at the +altar. The bride is taken by her right hand by the groom, and of +course stands on his left hand; her father stands a little behind +her. Sometimes the female relatives stand in the chancel with the +bridal group, but this, can only happen in a very large church; +and the rector must arrange this, as in high churches the +marriages take place outside the chancel. + +After the ceremony is over the clergyman bends over and +congratulates the young people. The bride then takes the left arm +of the groom, and passes down the aisle, followed by her +bridesmaids and the ushers. + +Some of our correspondents have no good asked us what the best man +is doing at this moment? Probably waiting in the vestry, or, if +not, he hurries down a side aisle, gets into a carriage, and +drives to the house where the wedding reception is to be held. + +October is a good month for both city and country weddings. In our +climate, the brilliant October days, not too warm, are admirable +for the city guests, who are invited to a country place for the +wedding, and certainly it is a pleasant season for the wedding +journey. Travelling costumes for brides in England are very +elegant, even showy. Velvet, and even light silks and satins, are +used; but in our country plain cloth and cashmere costumes are +more proper and more fashionable. + +For weddings in families where a death has recently occurred, all +friends, even the widowed mother, should lay aside their mourning +for the ceremony, appearing in colors. It is considered unlucky +and inappropriate to wear black at a wedding. In our country a +widowed mother appears at her daughter's wedding in purple velvet +or silk; in England she wears deep cardinal red, which is +considered, under these circumstances, to be mourning, or proper +for a person who is in mourning. + +We should add that ushers and groomsmen are unknown at an English +wedding. The sexton of the church performs the functions which are +attended to here by ushers. + +Note.--The young people who are about to be married make a list +together as to whom cards should be sent, and all cards go from +the young lady's family. No one thinks it strange to get cards for +a wedding. A young lady should write a note of thanks to every one +who sends her a present before she leaves home; all her husband's +friends, relatives, etc., all her own, and to people whom she does +not know these notes should especially be written, as their gifts +may be prompted by a sense of kindness to her parents or her +_fianc‚_, which she should recognize. It is better taste to write +these notes on note-paper than on cards. It is not necessary to +send cards to each member of a family; include them all under the +head of "Mr. and Mrs. Brown and family." It would be proper for a +young lady to send her cards to a physician under whose care she +has been if she was acquainted with him socially, but it is not +expected when the acquaintance is purely professional. A +fashionable and popular physician would be swamped with +wedding-cards if that were the custom. If, however, one wishes to +show gratitude and remembrance, there would be no impropriety in +sending cards to such a gentleman. + +CHAPTER IX. +"WHO PAYS FOR THE CARDS?" + +We have received a number of letters from our correspondents +asking whether the groom pays for the wedding cards. This question +we have answered so often in the negative that we think it well to +explain the philosophy of the etiquette of weddings, which is +remotely founded on the early savage history of mankind, and which +bears fruit in our later and more complex civilization, still +reminding us of the past. In early and in savage days the man +sought his bride heroically, and carried her off by force. The +Tartar still does this, and the idea only was improved in +patriarchal days by the purchase of the bride by the labor of her +husband, or by his wealth in flocks and herds. It is still a +theory that the bride is thus carried off. Always, therefore, the +idea has been cherished that the bride is something carefully +guarded, and the groom is looked upon as a sort of friendly enemy, +who comes to take away the much-prized object from her loving and +jealous family. Thus the long-cherished theory bears fruit in the +English ceremonial, where the only carriage furnished by the groom +is the one in which he drives the bride away to the spending of +the honeymoon. Up to that time he has had no rights of +proprietorship. Even this is not allowed in America among +fashionable people, the bride's father sending them in his own +carriage on the first stage of their journey. It is not etiquette +for the groom to furnish anything for his own wedding but the ring +and a bouquet for the bride, presents for the bridesmaids and the +best man, and some token to the ushers. He pays the clergyman. + +He should _not_ pay for the cards, the carriages, the +entertainment, or anything connected with the wedding. This is +decided in the high court of etiquette. That is the province of +the family of the bride, and should be insisted upon. If they are +not able to do this, there should be no wedding and no cards. It +is better for a portionless girl to go to the altar in a +travelling dress, and to send out no sort of invitations or +wedding cards, than to allow the groom to pay for them. This is +not to the disparagement of the rights of the groom. It is simply +a proper and universal etiquette. + +At the altar the groom, if he is a millionaire, makes his wife his +equal by saying, "With all my worldly goods I thee endow;" but +until he has uttered these words she has no claim on his purse for +clothes, or cards, or household furnishing, or anything but those +articles which come under the head of such gifts as it is a +lover's province to give. + +A very precise, old-time aristocrat of New York broke her +daughter's engagement to a gentleman because he brought her a +dress from Paris. She said, if he did not know enough _not_ to +give her daughter clothes while she was under her roof, he should +not have her. This is an exaggerated feeling, but the principle is +a sound one. The position of a woman is so delicate, the relations +of engaged people so uncertain, that it would bring about an +awkwardness if the gentleman were to pay for the shoes, the gowns, +the cards of his betrothed. + +Suppose, as was the case twice last winter, that an engagement of +marriage is broken after the cards are out. Who is to repay the +bridegroom if _he_ has paid for the cards? Should the father of +the bride send him a check? That would be very insulting, yet a +family would feel nervous about being under pecuniary indebtedness +to a discarded son-in-law. The lady can return her ring and the +gifts her lover has made her; they have suffered no contact that +will injure them. But she could not return shoes or gowns or +bonnets. + +It is therefore wisely ordered by etiquette that the lover be +allowed to pay for nothing that could not be returned to him +without loss, if the engagement were dissolved, even on the +wedding morning. + +Of course in primitive life the lover may pay for his lady-love, +as we will say in the case of a pair of young people who come +together in a humble station. Such marriages are common in +America, and many of these pairs have mounted to the very highest +social rank. But they must not attempt anything which is in +imitation of the etiquette of fashionable life unless they can do +it well and thoroughly. + +Nothing is more honorable than a marriage celebrated in the +presence only of father, mother, and priest. Two young people +unwilling or unable to have splendid dresses, equipages, cards, +and ceremony, can always be married this way, and go to the Senate +or White House afterwards. They are not hampered by it hereafter. +But the bride should never forget her dignity. She should never +let the groom pay for cards, or for anything, unless it is the +marriage license, wherever it is needful in this country, and the +clergyman's fee. If she does, she puts herself in a false +position. + +A very sensible observer, writing of America and its young people, +and the liberty allowed them, says "the liberty, or the license, +of our youth will have to be curtailed. As our society becomes +complex and artificial, like older societies in Europe, our +children will be forced to approximate to them in status, and +parents will have to waken to a sense of their responsibilities." + +This is a remark which applies at once to that liberty permitted +to engaged couples in rural neighborhoods, where the young girl is +allowed to go on a journey at her lover's expense. A girl's +natural protectors should know better than to allow this. They +know that her purity is her chief attraction to man, and that a +certain coyness and virginal freshness are the dowry she should +bring her future husband. Suppose that this engagement is broken +off. How will she be accepted by another lover after having +enjoyed the hospitality of the first? Would it not always make a +disagreeable feeling between the two men, although No. 2 might +have perfect respect for the girl? + +Etiquette may sometimes make blunders, but it is generally based +on a right principle, and here it is undoubtedly founded in truth +and justice. In other countries this truth is so fully realized +that daughters are guarded by the vigilance of parents almost to +the verge of absurdity. A young girl is never allowed to go out +alone, and no man is permitted to enter the household until his +character has undergone the closest scrutiny. Marriage is a unique +contract, and all the various wrongs caused by hasty marriages, +all the troubles before the courts, all the divorces, are +multiplied by the carelessness of American parents, who, +believing, and truly believing, in the almost universal purity of +their daughters, are careless of the fold, not remembering the one +black sheep. + +This evil of excessive liberty and of the loose etiquette of our +young people cannot be rooted out by laws. It must begin at the +hearth-stone, Family life must be reformed; young ladies must be +brought up with greater strictness. The bloom of innocence should +not be brushed off by careless hands. If a mother leaves her +daughter matronless, to receive attentions without her dignified +presence, she opens the door to an unworthy man, who may mean +marriage or not. He may be a most unsuitable husband even if he +_does_ mean marriage. If he takes the young lady about, paying for +her cab hire, her theatre tickets, and her journeyings, and then +drops her, whom have they to thank but themselves that her bloom +is brushed off, that her character suffers, that she is made +ridiculous, and marries some one whom she does not love, for a +home. + +Men, as they look back on their own varied experience, are apt to +remember with great respect the women who were cold and distant. +They love the fruit which hung the highest, the flower which was +guarded, and which did not grow under their feet in the highway. +They look back with vague wonder that they were ever infatuated +with a fast girl who matured into a vulgar woman. + +And we must remember what a fatal effect upon marriage is the +loosing of the ties of respect. Love without trust is without +respect, and if a lover has not respected his _fianc‚e_, he will +never respect his wife. + +It is the privilege of the bride to name the wedding day, and of +her father and mother to pay for her trousseau. After the wedding +invitations are issued she does not appear in public. + +The members of the bride's family go to the church before the +bride; the bridegroom and his best man await them at the altar. + +The bride comes last, with her father or brother, who is to give +her away. She is joined at the altar step by her _fianc‚_, who +takes her hand, and then she becomes his for life. + +All these trifles mean much, as any one can learn who goes through +with the painful details of a divorce suit. + +Now when the circle of friends on both sides is very extensive, it +has of late become customary to send invitations to some who are +not called to the wedding breakfast to attend the ceremony in +church. This sometimes takes the place of issuing cards. No one +thinks of calling on the newly married who has not received either +an invitation to the ceremony at church or cards after their +establishment in their new home. + +Now one of our correspondents writes to us, "Who pays for the +_after_-cards?" In most cases these are ordered with the other +cards, and the bride's mother pays for them. But if they are +ordered after the marriage, the groom may pay for these as he +would pay for his wife's ordinary expenses. Still, it is stricter +etiquette that even these should be paid for by the bride's +family. + +People who are asked to the wedding send cards to the house if +they cannot attend, and in any case send or leave cards within ten +days after, unless they are in very deep mourning, when a +dispensation is granted them. + +The etiquette of a wedding at home does not differ at all from the +etiquette of a wedding in church with regard to cards. A great +confusion seems to exist in the minds of some of our +correspondents as to whom they shall send their return cards on +being invited to a wedding. Some ask: "Shall I send them to the +bride, as I do not know her mother?" Certainly not; send them to +whomsoever invites you. Afterwards call on the bride or send her +cards, but the first and important card goes to the lady who gives +the wedding. + +The order of the religious part of the ceremony is fixed by the +church in which it occurs. The groom must call on the rector or +clergyman, see the organist, and make what arrangements the bride +pleases, but, we repeat, all _expenses_, excepting the fee to the +clergyman, are borne by the bride's family. + +The sexton should see to it that the white ribbon is stretched +across the aisle, that the awning and carpet are in place, and it +would be well if the police regulations could extend to the group +of idlers who crowd around the church door, to the great +inconvenience of the guests. + +A wedding invitation requires no answer, unless it be to a +sit-down wedding breakfast. Cards left afterwards are +all-sufficient. The separate cards of the bride and groom are no +longer included in the invitation. Nothing black in the way of +dress but the gentlemen's coats is admissible at a wedding. + +CHAPTER X. +WEDDINGS AFTER EASTER. + +We may expect a great deal of color in the coming bridal +trousseau, beginning at the altar. The bridesmaids have thus lost +one chance of distinguishing themselves by a different and a +colored dress. But although some eccentric brides may choose to be +married in pink, we cannot but believe, from the beautiful dresses +which we have seen, that the greater number will continue to be +wedded in white; therefore dressmakers need not turn pale. + +And all our brides may rejoice that they are not French brides. It +is very troublesome to be married in France, especially if one of +the high contracting parties be a foreigner. A certificate of +baptism is required, together with that of the marriage of the +father and mother, and a written consent of the grandfather and +grandmother, if either is alive and the parents dead. The names of +the parties are then put up on the door of the _mairie_, or +mayor's office, for eleven days. + +In England there are four ways of getting married. The first is by +special license, which enables two people to be married at any +time and at any place; but this is very expensive, costing fifty +pounds, and is only obtainable through an archbishop. Then there +is the ordinary license, which can be procured either at Doctors' +Commons or through a clergyman, who must also be a surrogate, and +resident in the diocese where the marriage is to take place; both +parties must swear that they are of age, or, if minors, that they +have the consent of their parents. But to be married by banns is +considered the most orthodox as well as the most economical way of +proceeding. The banns must be published in the church of the +parish in which the lady lives for three consecutive Sundays prior +to the marriage, also the same law holds good for the gentleman, +and the parties must have resided fifteen days in the parish. Or +the knot may be tied at a licensed chapel, or at the office of a +registrar, notice being given three weeks previously. + +We merely quote these safeguards against imprudent marriages to +show our brides how free they are. And perhaps, as we sometimes +find, they are too free; there is danger that there may be too +much ease in tying the knot that so many wish untied later, +judging from the frequency of divorce. + +However, we will not throw a damper on that occasion which for +whirl and bustle and gayety and excitement is not equalled by any +other day in a person's life. The city wedding in New York is +marked first by the arrival of the caterer, who comes to spread +the wedding breakfast; and later on by the florist, who appears to +decorate the rooms, to hang the floral bell, or to spread the +floral umbrella, or to build a grotto of flowers in the bow-window +where the happy couple shall stand. Some of the latest freaks in +floral fashion cause a bower of tall-growing ferns to be +constructed, the ferns meeting over the bridal pair. This is, of +course, supposing that the wedding takes place at home. Then +another construction is a house entirely of roses, large enough to +hold the bride and bridegroom. This is first built of bamboo or +light wood, then covered thick with roses, and is very beautiful +and almost too fragrant. If some one had not suggested +"bathing-house," as he looked at this floral door to matrimony, it +would have been perfect. It also looks a little like a +confessional. Perhaps a freer sweep is better for both bride and +groom. There should not be a close atmosphere, or too many +overfragrant flowers; for at a home wedding, however well the +arrangements have been anticipated, there is always a little time +spent in waiting for the bride, a few presents arrive late, and +there is always a slight confusion, so that the mamma is apt to be +nervous and flushed, and the bride agitated. + +A church wedding involves a great deal more trouble with carriages +for the bridesmaids and for the family, and for the bride and her +father, who must go together to the church. + +Fortunately there is no stern law, if every one is late at church, +for the hour appointed, as in England. There the law would read, +"The rite of marriage is to be performed between the hours of 8 +A.M. and noon, upon pain of suspension and felony with fourteen +years' transportation." Such is the stern order to the officiating +priests. + +The reason for this curious custom and the terrible penalty +awaiting its infringement is traceable, it is said, to the wrongs +committed on innocent parties by the "hedge" parsons. Also, alas! +because our English ancestors were apt to be drunk after midday, +and unable to take an oath. + +Here the guests arrive first at the church. The groom emerges from +the vestry, supported by his best man, and then the organ strikes +up the Wedding March. + +Two little girls, beautifully dressed in Kate Greenaway hats and +white gowns, and with immense sashes, carrying bouquets, come in +first; then the bridesmaids, who form an avenue. Then the bride +and her father walk up to the altar, where the groom claims her, +and her father steps back. The bride stands on the left hand of +the bridegroom; her first bridesmaid advances nearly behind her, +ready to receive the glove and bouquet. After the ceremony is +over, the bride and groom walk down the aisle first, and the +children follow; after them the bridesmaids, then the ushers, then +the father and mother, and so on. Sometimes the ushers go first, +to be ready to cloak the bride, open the doors, keep back the +people, and generally preserve order. + +The signing of the register in the vestry is not an American +custom, but it is now the fashion to have a highly illuminated +parchment certificate signed by the newly married pair, with two +or three witnesses, the bridesmaids, the best man, the father and +mother, and so on, generally being the attesting parties. + +If a sit-down wedding breakfast has been arranged, it occurs about +half an hour after the parties return from church. An attempt is +being made to return to the manners of the past, and for the +bridegroom (_… la_ Sir Charles Grandison) to wait on the guests +with a napkin on his arm. This often makes much amusement, and +breaks in on the formality. Of course his waiting is very much of +a sinecure and a joke. + +The table for a wedding breakfast of this sort should be of a +horseshoe shape. But for a city wedding, where many guests are to +be invited in a circle which is forever widening, this sort of an +exclusive breakfast is almost impossible, and a large table is +generally spread, where the guests go in uninvited, and are helped +by the waiters. + +Eight bridesmaids is a fashionable number; and the bride has, of +course, the privilege of choosing the dresses. The prettiest +toilettes we have seen were of heliotrope _gaze_ over satin; and +again clover red, lighted up with white lace. The bonnets were of +white chip, with feathers of red, for this last dress; broad hats +of yellow satin, with yellow plumes, will surmount the heliotrope +bridesmaids. One set of bridesmaids will wear Nile-green dresses, +with pink plumes in their coiffures; another set, probably those +with the pink bride, will be in white satin and silver. + +A bride's dress has lately been ornamented with orange blossoms +and lilacs. The veil was fastened on with orange flowers; the +corsage bouquet was of orange flowers and lilacs mixed; the lace +over-dress was caught up with lilac sprays; the hand bouquet +wholly of lilacs; The gardener's success in producing these dwarf +bushes covered with white lilacs has given us the beautiful flower +in great perfection. Cowslips are to be used as corsage and hand +bouquets for bridesmaids' dresses, the dresses being of pale blue +surah, with yellow satin Gainsborough hats, and yellow plumes. +White gloves and shoes are proper for brides. The white undressed +kid or Swedish glove will be the favorite; and high princesse +dresses with long sleeves are still pronounced the best style. + +As for wedding presents, great favor is shown to jewelry and +articles somewhat out of the common. Vases of costly workmanship, +brass wine-coolers, enamelled glass frames, small mirrors set in +silver, belt clasps, pins of every sort of conceit for the hair, +choice old Louis Treize silver boxes of curious design, and +watches, even old miniatures, are all of the order of things most +desired. So many of our spring brides are going immediately to +Europe that it seems absurd to load them down with costly dinner +sets, or the usual lamps and pepper-casters. These may come later. +How much prettier to give the bride something she can wear! + +Wedding presents, if shown, will be in the second-story front +room, spread on tables and surrounded by flowers. Some brides will +give an afternoon tea the day before to show the presents to a few +intimate friends. Each present will bear the name of the giver on +his or her card. + +One bride intends to make a most original innovation. Instead of +going immediately out of town, she will remain at home and attend +the Bachelors' Ball, in the evening, leaving for Philadelphia at +three in the morning. At several of the church weddings the guests +are only bidden there; there will be no reception. + +Widows who are to be married again should be reminded that they +can neither have wedding favors nor wear a veil or orange +blossoms. A widow bride should wear a bonnet, she should have no +bridesmaids, and a peach-blossom silk or velvet is a very pretty +dress. At a certain up-town wedding all the gentlemen will wear a +wedding favor excepting the groom. He always wears only a flower. + +Wedding favors should be made of white ribbon and silver leaves. +Large bouquets of white flowers should ornament the ears of the +horses and the coats of the coachmen and footmen. + +It is a matter of taste whether the bride wears her gloves to the +altar or whether she goes up with uncovered hands. "High-Church" +brides prefer the latter custom, The bride carries a prayer-book, +if she prefers, instead of a bouquet. The Holy Communion is +administered to the married pair if they desire it. + +One correspondent inquires, "Who should be asked to a wedding?" We +should say all your visiting list, or none. There is an unusual +feeling about being left out at a wedding, and no explanation that +it is "a small and not general invitation" seems to satisfy those +who are thus passed over. It is much better to offend no one on so +important an occasion. + +Wedding cards and wedding stationery have not altered at all. The +simple styles are the best. The bridal linen should be marked with +the maiden name of the bride. + +If brides could only find out some way to let their friends know +where they are to be found after marriage it, would be a great +convenience. + +The newest style of engagement ring is a diamond and a ruby, or a +diamond and a sapphire, set at right angles or diagonally. Bangles +with the bridal monogram set in jewels are very pretty, and a +desirable ornament for the bridesmaids' gifts, serving as a +memento and a particularly neat ornament. They seem to have +entirely superseded the locket. The bride's name cut in silver or +gold serves for a lace pin, and is quite effective. + +CHAPTER XI. +SUMMER WEDDINGS. + +A new fashion in the engraving of the wedding note-paper is the +first novelty of the early summer wedding. The card is entirely +discarded, and sheets of note-paper, with the words of the +invitation in _very fine_ running script, are now universally +used, without crests or ciphers. We are glad to see that the very +respectful form of invitation, "Mr. and Mrs. John H. Brown request +the honor of your presence," etc., is returning to fashionable +favor. It never should have gone out. Nothing is more +self-respecting than respect, and when we ask our friends to visit +us we can well afford to be unusually courteous. The brief, curt, +and not too friendly announcement, "Mr. and Mrs. John H. Brown +request your presence," etc., etc., may well yield to the much +more elegant and formal compliment. + +From high social authority in New York we have an invitation much +simpler and more cordial, also worthy of imitation: "Mr. and Mrs. +Winslow Appleblossom request the pleasure of your company at the +wedding reception of their daughter, on Tuesday afternoon June the +sixteenth." This is without cards or names, presuming that the +latter will follow later on. + +Another very comprehensive and useful announcement of a wedding, +from a lady living out of town, conveys, however, on one sheet of +paper the desired information of where to find the bride: + + _Mrs. Seth Osborne + announces the marriage of her daughter + Margu‚rite + to + Mr. Joseph Wendon, + on + Wednesday, September the ninth, + at + Bristol, Connecticut. + + At Home after January first, + at 758 Wood Street._ + +This card of announcement is a model of conciseness, and answers +the oft-repeated question, "Where shall we go to find the married +couple next winter?" + +In arranging the house for the spring wedding the florists have +hit upon a new device of having only _one_ flower in masses; so we +hear of the apple-blossom wedding, the lilac wedding, the lily +wedding, the rose wedding and the daffodil wedding, the violet +wedding, and the daisy wedding. So well has this been carried out +that at a recent daisy wedding the bride's lace and diamond +ornaments bore the daisy pattern, and each bridesmaid received a +daisy pin with diamond centre. + +This fashion of massing a single flower has its advantages when +that flower is the beautiful feathery lilac, as ornamental as a +plume; but it is not to be commended when flowers are as sombre as +the violet, which nowadays suggests funerals. Daffodils are lovely +and original, and apple-blossoms make a hall in a Queen Anne +mansion very decorative. No one needs to be told that roses look +better for being massed, and it is a pretty conceit for a bride to +make the flower which was the ornament of her wedding _her_ flower +for life. + +The passion for little girls as bridesmaids receives much +encouragement at the spring and summer weddings. One is reminded +of the children weddings of the fifteenth century, as these +darlings, wearing Kate Greenaway hats, walk up the aisle, +preceding the bride. The young brother of the bride, a mere boy, +who, in the fatherless condition of his sister, recently gave her +away, also presented a touching picture. It has become a fashion +now to invoke youth as well as age to give the blessings once +supposed to be alone at the beck and call of those whom Time had +sanctified. + +The bridal dresses are usually of white satin and point lace, a +preference for tulle veils being very evident. A pin for the veil, +with a diamond ornament, and five large diamonds hanging by little +chains, makes a very fine effect, and is a novelty. The groom at a +recent wedding gave cat's-eyes set round with diamonds to his +ushers for scarf pins, the cat's-eye being considered a very lucky +stone. + +The ushers and the groom wear very large _boutonnieres_ of +stephanotis and gardenias, or equally large bunches of +lilies-of-the-valley, in their button-holes. + +At one of the country weddings of the spring a piper in full +Scotch costume discoursed most eloquent music on the lawn during +the wedding ceremony. This was a compliment to the groom, who is a +captain in a Highland regiment. + +A prevailing fashion for wedding presents is to give heavy pieces +of furniture, such as sideboards, writing-tables, cabinets, and +pianos. + +A favorite dress for travelling is heliotrope cashmere, with +bonnet to match. For a dark bride nothing is more becoming than +dark blue tailormade with white vest and sailor collar. Gray +cashmere with steel passementerie has also been much in vogue. A +light gray mohair, trimmed with lace of the same color, was also +much admired. + +We have mentioned the surroundings of the brides, but have not +spoken of the background. A screen hung with white and purple +lilacs formed the background of one fair bride, a hanging curtain +of Jacque-minot roses formed the appropriate setting of another. +Perhaps the most regal of these floral screens was one formed of +costly orchids, each worth a fortune. One of the most beautiful of +the spring wedding dresses was made of cream-white satin over a +tulle petticoat, the tulle being held down by a long diagonal band +of broad pearl embroidery, the satin train trimmed with bows of +ribbon in true-lovers' knots embroidered in seed-pearls; a shower +of white lilacs trimmed one side of the skirt. + +Another simple dress was made of white silk, trimmed with old +Venetian point, the train of striped ivory point and white satin +depending _… la_ Watteau from the shoulders, and fastened at the +point of the waist. At the side three large pleats formed a +drapery, which was fringed with orange-blossoms. + +From England we hear of the most curious combinations as to +travelling-dresses. Biscuit-colored canvas, embroidered around the +polonaise in green and gold, while the skirt is edged with a broad +band of green velvet. The new woollen laces of all colors make a +very good effect in the "going-away dress" of a bride. + +We are often asked by summer brides whether they should wear +bonnets or round hats for their travelling-dress. We +unhesitatingly say bonnets. A very pretty wedding bonnet is made +of lead-colored beads without foundation, light and transparent; +strings of red velvet and a bunch of red plums complete this +bonnet. Gold-colored straw, trimmed with gold-brown velvet and +black net, makes a pretty travelling-bonnet. Open-work black straw +trimmed with black lace and red roses, very high in the crown, +with a "split front," is a very becoming and appropriate bonnet +for a spring costume. + +A pretty dress for the child bridemaids is a pink faille slip +covered with dotted muslin, not tied in at the waist, and the +broadest of high Gainsborough hats of pale pink silk with immense +bows, from the well-known pictures of Gainsborough's pretty women. + +But if a summer bride must travel in a bonnet, there is no reason +that her trousseau should not contain a large Leghorn hat, the +straw caught up on the back in long loops, the spaces between +filled in with bows of heliotrope ribbon. The crown should be +covered with white ostrich tips. This is a very becoming hat for a +lawn party. + +It would be a charming addition to our well-known and somewhat +worn-out Wedding-March, always played as the bride walks up the +aisle, if a chorus of choir boys would sing an epithalamium, as is +now done in England. These fresh young voices hailing the youthful +couple would be in keeping with the child bridesmaids and the +youthful brothers. Nay, they would suggest those frescoes of the +Italian villas where Hymen and Cupid, two immortal boys, always +precede the happy pair. + +It is a pleasant part of weddings everywhere that the faithful +domestics who have loved the bride from childhood are expected to +assist by their presence at the ceremony, each wearing a wedding +favor made by the fair hand of the bride herself. An amusing +anecdote is told of a Yorkshire coachman, who, newly arrived in +America, was to drive the bride to church. Not knowing him, +particularly as he was a new addition to the force, the bride sent +him his favor by the hands of her maid. But Yorkshire decided +stoutly against receiving such a vicarious offering, and remarked, +"Tell she I'd rather 'ave it from she." And so "she" was obliged +to come down and affix the favor to his livery coat, or he would +have resigned the "ribbons." The nurses, the cook, the maids, and +the men-servants in England always expect a wedding favor and a +small gratuity at a wedding, and in this country should be +remembered by a box of cake, and possibly by a new dress, cap, or +bonnet, or something to recall the day. + +The plan of serving the refreshments at a buffet all through the +reception retains its place as the most convenient and appropriate +of forms. The wedding breakfast, where toasts are drunk and +speeches made, is practicable in England, but hardly here, where +we are not to the manner born. The old trained domestics who serve +such a feast can not be invented at will in America, so that it is +better to allow our well-filled tables to remain heavily laden, as +they are, with dainties which defy competition, served by a corps +of waiters. + +The pretty plan of cutting the bride cake and hunting for a ring +has been long exploded, as the bridesmaids declare that it ruins +their gloves, and that in these days of eighteen buttons it is too +much trouble to take off and put on a glove for the sake of +finding a ring in a bit of greasy pastry. However, it might +supplement a wedding supper. + +CHAPTER XII. +AUTUMN WEDDINGS. + +The first thing which strikes the eye of the fortunate person who +is invited to see the bridal gifts is the predominance of +silver-ware. We have now passed the age of bronze and that of +brass, and silver holds the first place of importance. Not only +the coffee and tea sets, but the dinner sets and the whole +furniture of the writing-table, and even brooms and brushes, are +made with repouss‚ silver handles--the last, of course, for the +toilette, as for dusting velvet, feathers, bonnets, etc. + +The oxidized, ugly, discolored silver is not so fashionable as it +was, and the beautiful, bright, highly polished silver, with its +own natural and unmatchable color, has come in. The salvers afford +a splendid surface for a monogram, which is now copied from the +old Dutch silver, and bears many a true-lovers' knot, and every +sort and kind of ornamentation; sometimes even a little verse, or +posy, as it was called in olden time. One tea-caddy at a recent +wedding bore the following almost obsolete rhyme, which Corydon +might have sent to Phyllis in pastoral times: + + "My heart to you is given; + Oh do give yours to me: + We'll lock them up together, + And throw away the key." + +It should be added that the silver tea-caddy was in the shape of a +heart, and that it had a key. Very dear to the heart of a +housewife is the tea-caddy which can be locked. + +Another unique present was a gold tea scoop of ancient pattern, +probably once a baby's pap spoon. There were also apostle-spoons, +and little silver canoes and other devices to hold cigarettes and +ashes; little mysterious boxes for the toilette, to hold the tongs +for curling hair, and hair-pins; mirror frames, and even +chair-backs and tables--all of silver. + +Several beautiful umbrellas, with all sorts of handles, recalled +the anecdote of the man who said he first saw his wife in a storm, +married her in a storm, lived with her in a hurricane, but buried +her in pleasant weather; parasols with jewelled handles, and +beautiful painted fans, are also favorite offerings to the newly +married. + +Friends conspire to make their offerings together, so that there +may be no duplicates, and no pieces in the silver service which do +not match. This is a very excellent plan. Old pieces like silver +tankards, Queen Anne silver, and the ever beautiful Baltimore +workmanship, are highly prized. + +It is no longer the fashion to display the presents at the +wedding. They are arranged in an upper room, and shown to a few +friends of the bride the day before the ceremony. Nor is it the +fashion for the bride to wear many jewels. These are reserved for +her first appearance as a married woman. + +Clusters of diamond stars, daisies, or primroses that can be +grouped together are now favorite gifts. In this costly gift +several friends join again, as in the silver presentation. Diamond +bracelets that can be used as necklaces are also favorite +presents. All sorts of vases, bits of china, cloisonn‚, clocks +(although there is not such a stampede of clocks and lamps as a +few years ago), choice etchings framed, and embroidered +table-cloths, doyleys, and useful coverings for bureau and +wash-stands, are in order. + +The bride now prefers simplicity in her dress--splendid and costly +simplicity. An elegant white-satin and a tulle veil, the latter +very full, the former extremely long and with a sweeping train, +high corsage, and long sleeves, long white gloves, and perhaps a +flower in the hair--such is the latest fashion for an autumn +bride. The young ladies say they prefer that their magnificence +should wait for the days after marriage, when their jewels can be +worn. There is great sense in this, for a bride is interesting +enough when she is simply attired. + +The solemnization of the marriage should be in a church, and a +high ecclesiastical functionary should be asked to solemnize it. +The guests are brought in by the ushers, who, by the way, now wear +pearl-colored kid-gloves, embroidered in black, as do the groom +and best man. The front seats are reserved for the relatives and +intimate friends, and the head usher has a paper on which are +written the names of people entitled to these front seats. The +seats thus reserved have a white ribbon as a line of demarcation. +Music should usher in the bride. + +The fashion of bridesmaids has gone out temporarily, and one +person, generally a sister, alone accompanies the bride to the +altar as her female aid. The bride, attended by her father or near +friend, comes in last, after the ushers. After her mother, sister, +and family have preceded her, these near relatives group +themselves about the altar steps. Her sister, or one bridesmaid, +stands near her at the altar rail, and kneels with her and the +bridegroom, as does the best man. The groom takes his bride from +the hand of her father or nearest friend, who then retires and +stands a little behind the bridal pair. He must be near enough to +respond quickly when he hears the words, "Who giveth this woman to +be married to this man?" The bride and groom walk out together +after the ceremony, followed by the nearest relatives, and proceed +to the home where the wedding breakfast is served. Here the bridal +pair stand under an arch of autumn-leaves, golden-rod, asters, and +other seasonable flowers, and receive their friends, who are +presented by the ushers. + +The father and mother do not take any stated position on this +occasion, but mingle with the guests, and form a part of the +company. In an opulent countryhouse, if the day is fine, little +tables are set out on the lawn, the ladies seat themselves around, +and the gentlemen carry the refreshments to them; or the piazzas +are beautifully decorated with autumn boughs and ferns, flowers, +evergreens, and the refreshments are served there. If it is a bad +day, of course the usual arrangements of a crowded buffet are in +order; there is no longer a "sit-down" wedding breakfast; it does +not suit our American ideas, as recent experiments have proved. We +have many letters asking if the gentlemen of the bride's family +should wear gloves. They should, and, as we have indicated, they +should be of pearl-colored kid, embroidered in the seams with +black. + +The one bridesmaid must be dressed in colors. At a recent very +fashionable wedding the bridesmaid wore bright buttercup yellow, a +real Directoire dress, white lace skirt, yellow bodice, hat +trimmed with yellow--a very picturesque, pretty costume. The silk +stockings and slippers were of yellow, the hat of Leghorn, very +large, turned up at one side, yellow plumes, and long streamers of +yellow-velvet ribbon. Yellow is now esteemed a favorite color and +a fortunate one. It once was deemed the synonym for envy, but that +has passed away. + +The carrying of an ivory prayer-book was found to be attended with +inconvenience, therefore was discontinued. Still, if a young lady +wishes to have her prayer-book associated with her vows at the +altar, she can properly carry it. Brides are, however, leaving +their bouquets at home, as the immense size of a modern bouquet +interfered with the giving and taking of the ring. + +A very pretty bit of ornamentation for an autumn wedding is the +making of a piece of tapestry of autumn leaves to hang behind the +bride as she receives. This can be done by sewing the leaves on a +piece of drugget on which some artist has drawn a clever sketch +with chalk and charcoal. We have seen some really elaborate and +artistic groups done in this way by earnest and unselfish girl +friends. Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet and Ophelia, Tristan and Iseult, +can thus be made to serve as decorations. + +The walls of the church can, of course, be exquisitely decorated +with palms in an Oriental pattern, flowers, and leaves. The season +is one when nature's bounty is so profuse that even the fruits can +be pressed into service. Care should be taken not to put too many +tuberoses about, for the perfume is sickening to some. + +The engagement ring should be worn on the third finger of the left +hand. It should have a solitaire stone--either a diamond or a +colored stone. Colored stones and diamonds, set diagonally, as a +sapphire and a diamond, are also worn; but not a pearl, as, +according to the German idea, "pearls are tears for a bride." The +wedding ring is entirely different, being merely a plain gold +ring, not very wide nor a square band, as it was a few years +since, and the engagement ring is worn as a guard above the +wedding ring. It is not usual for the bride expectant to give a +ring to her intended husband, but many girls like to give an +engagement gift to their betrothed. Inside the engagement ring is +the date of the engagement and the initials of each of the +contracting parties. The wedding ring has the date of the marriage +and the initials. + +If the marriage takes place at home, the bride and groom enter +together, and take their place before the clergyman, who has +already entered; then come the father and mother and other +friends. A pair of hassocks should be arranged for the bridal pair +to kneel upon, and the father should be near to allow the +clergyman to see him when he asks for his authority. + +For autumn weddings nothing is so pretty for the travelling-dress +as a tailor-made costume of very light cloth, with sacque to match +for a cold day. No travelling-dress should of itself be too heavy, +as our railway carriages are kept so very warm. + +We have been asked to define the meaning of the word "honeymoon." +It comes from the Germans, who drank mead, or metheglin--a +beverage made of honey--for thirty days after the wedding. + +The bride-cake is no longer cut and served at weddings; the +present of cake in boxes has superseded that. At the wedding +breakfast the ices are now packed in fancy boxes, which bear +nuptial mottoes and orange-blossoms and violets on their surfaces. +As the ring is the expressive emblem of the perpetuity of the +compact, and as the bride-cake and customary libations form +significant symbols of the nectar sweets of matrimony, it will not +do to banish the cake altogether, although few people eat it, and +few wish to carry it away. + +Among the Romans, June was considered the most propitious month +for marriage; but with the Anglo-Saxons October has always been a +favorite and auspicious season. We find that the festival has +always been observed in very much the same way, whether druidical, +pagan, or Christian. + +We have been asked, Who shall conduct the single bridesmaid to the +altar? It should be the brother of the groom, her own _fianc‚_, or +some chosen friend--never the best man; he does not leave his +friend the groom until he sees him fairly launched on that hopeful +but uncertain sea whose reverses and whose smiles are being +constantly tempted. + +"That man must lead a happy life + Who is directed by a wife. + Who's freed from matrimonial claims + Is sure to suffer for his pains." + +This is a "posy" for some October silver. + +CHAPTER XIII. +BEFORE THE WEDDING AND AFTER. + +The reception of an engaged girl by the family of her future +husband should be most cordial, and no time should be lost in +giving her a warm welcome. It is the moment of all others when she +will feet such a welcome most gratefully, and when any neglect +will be certain to give her the keenest unhappiness. + +It is the fashion for the mother of the groom to invite both the +family of the expectant bride and herself to a dinner as soon as +possible after the formal announcement of the engagement. The two +families should meet and should make friendships at once. This is +important. + +It is to these near relatives that the probable date of the +wedding-day is first whispered, in time to allow of much +consultation and preparation in the selection of wedding gifts. In +opulent families each has sometimes given the young couple a +silver dinner service and much silver besides, and the rooms of +the bride's father's house look like a jeweller's shop when the +presents are shown. All the magnificent ormolu ornaments for the +chimney-piece, handsome clocks and lamps, fans in large +quantities, spoons, forks by the hundred, and of late years the +fine gilt ornaments, furniture, camel's-hair shawls, +bracelets--all are piled up in most admired confusion. And when +the invitations are out, then come in the outer world with their +more hastily procured gifts; rare specimens of china, little +paintings, ornaments for the person--all, all are in order. + +A present is generally packed where it is bought, and sent with +the giver's card from the shop to the bride directly. She should +always acknowledge its arrival by a personal note written by +herself. A young bride once gave mortal offence by not thus +acknowledging her gifts. She said she had so many that she could +not find time to write the notes, which was naturally considered +boastful and most ungracious. + +Gifts which owe their value to the personal taste or industry of +the friend who sends are particularly complimentary. A piece of +embroidery, a painting, a water-color, are most flattering gifts, +as they betoken a long and predetermined interest. + +No friend should be deterred from sending a small present, one not +representing a money value, because other and richer people can +send a more expensive one. Often the little gift remains as a most +endearing and useful souvenir. + +As for showing the wedding gifts, that is a thing which must be +left to individual taste. Some people disapprove of it, and +consider it ostentatious; others have a large room devoted to the +display of the presents, and it is certainly amusing to examine +them. + +As for the conduct of the betrothed pair during their engagement, +our American mammas are apt to be somewhat more lenient in their +views of the liberty to be allowed than are the English. With the +latter, no young lady is allowed to drive alone with her _fianc‚_; +there must be a servant in attendance. No young lady must visit in +the family of her _fianc‚_, unless he has a mother to receive her. +Nor is she allowed to go to the theatre alone with him, or to +travel under his escort, to stop at the same hotel, or to relax +one of those rigid rules which a severe chaperon would enforce; +and it must be allowed that this severe and careful attention to +appearances is in the best taste. + +As for the engagement-ring, modern fashion prescribes a diamond +solitaire, which may range in price from two hundred and fifty to +two thousand dollars. The matter of presentation is a secret +between the engaged pair. + +Evening weddings do not differ from day weddings essentially, +except that the bridegroom wears evening dress. + +If the wedding is at home, the space where the bridal party is to +stand is usually marked off by a ribbon, and the clergyman comes +down in his robes before the bridal pair; they face him, and he +faces the company. Hassocks are prepared for them to kneel upon. +After the ceremony the clergyman retires, and the bridal party +take his place, standing to receive their friends' +congratulations. + +Should there be dancing at a wedding, it is proper for the bride +to open the first quadrille with the best man, the groom dancing +with the first bridesmaid. It is not, however, very customary for +a bride to dance, or for dancing to occur at an evening wedding, +but it is not a bad old custom. + +After the bridal pair return from their wedding-tour, the +bridesmaids each give them a dinner or a party, or show some +attention, if they are so situated that they can do so. The +members of the two families, also, each give a dinner to the young +couple. + +It is now a very convenient and pleasant custom for the bride to +announce with her wedding-cards two or more reception days during +the winter after her marriage, on which her friends can call upon +her. The certainty of finding a bride at home is very pleasing. On +these occasions she does not wear her wedding-dress, but receives +as if she had entered society as one of its members. The wedding +trappings are all put away, and she wears a dark silk, which may +be as handsome as she chooses. As for wearing her wedding-dress to +balls or dinners after her marriage, it is perfectly proper to do +so, if she divests herself of her veil and her orange-blossoms. + +The bride should be very attentive and conciliatory to all her +husband's friends, They will look with interest upon her from the +moment they hear of the engagement, and it is in the worst taste +for her to show indifference to them. + +Quiet weddings, either in church or at the house, are very much +preferred by some families. Indeed, the French, from whom we have +learned many--and might learn more--lessons of grace and good +taste, infinitely prefer them. + +For a quiet wedding the bride dresses in a travelling dress and +bonnet, and departs for her wedding-tour. It is the custom in +England, as we have said, for the bride and groom to drive off in +their own carriage, which is dressed with white ribbons, the +coach-man and groom wearing white bouquets, and favors adorning +the horses' ears, and for them to take a month's honeymoon. There +also the bride (if she be Hannah Rothschild or the Baroness +Burdett-Coutts) gives her bridesmaids very elegant presents, as a +locket or a bracelet, while the groom gives the best man a +scarf-pin or some gift. The American custom is not so universal. +However, either bride or groom gives something to the bridesmaid +and a scarf-pin to each usher. Thus a wedding becomes a very +expensive and elaborate affair, which quiet and economical people +are sometimes obliged to avoid. + +After the marriage invitations are issued, the lady does not +appear in public. + +The period of card-leaving after a wedding is not yet definitely +fixed. Some authorities say ten days, but that in a crowded city, +and with an immense acquaintance, would be quite impossible. + +If only invited to the church, many ladies consider that they +perform their whole duty by leaving a card sometime during the +winter, and including the young couple in their subsequent +invitations. Very rigorous people call, however, within ten days, +and if invited to the house, the call is still more imperative, +and should be made soon after the wedding. + +But if a young couple do not send their future address, but only +invite one to a church-wedding, there is often a very serious +difficulty in knowing where to call, and the first visit must be +indefinitely postponed until they send cards notifying their +friends of their whereabouts. + +Wedding invitations require no answer. But people living at a +distance, who cannot attend the wedding, should send their cards +by mail, to assure the hosts that the invitation has been +received. The usual form for wedding-cards is this: + + Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Chapman + request your presence at the + marriage of their daughter, on Wednesday evening, + November fourth, at eight o'clock. + Grace Church. + +The card of the young lady, that of her intended husband, and +another card to the favored-- + + At Home + after the ceremony, + 7 East Market Street-- + +is also enclosed. + +People with a large acquaintance cannot always invite all their +friends, of course, to a wedding reception, and therefore invite +all to the church. Sometimes people who are to give a small +wedding at home request an answer to the wedding invitation; in +that case, of course, an answer should be sent, and people should +be very careful not to ignore these flattering invitations. Any +carelessness is inexcusable when so important an event is on the +_tapis_. Bridesmaids, if prevented by illness or sudden +bereavement from officiating, should notify the bride as soon as +possible, as it is a difficult thing after a bridal cort‚ge is +arranged to reorganize it. + +As to the wedding-tour, it is no longer considered obligatory, nor +is the seclusion of the honey-moon demanded. A very fashionable +girl who married an Englishman last summer at Newport returned in +three days to take her own house at Newport, and to receive and +give out invitations. If the newly married pair thus begin +house-keeping in their own way, they generally issue a few "At +Home" cards, and thereby open an easy door for future +hospitalities. Certainly the once perfunctory bridal tour is no +longer deemed essential, and the more sensible fashion exists of +the taking of a friend's house a few miles out of town for a +month. + +If the bridal pair go to a watering-place during their early +married days, they should be very careful of outward display of +tenderness. + +Such exhibitions in the cars or in public places as one often +sees, of the bride laying her head on her husband's shoulder, +holding hands, or kissing, are at once vulgar and indecent. All +public display of an affectionate nature should be sedulously +avoided. The affections are too sacred for such outward showing, +and the lookers-on are in a very disagreeable position. The French +call love-making _l'...... deux_, and no egotism is agreeable. +People who see a pair of young doves cooing in public are apt to +say that a quarrel is not far off. It is possible for a lover to +show every attention, every assiduity, and not to overdo his +demonstrations. It is quite possible for the lady to be fond of +her husband without committing the slightest offence against good +taste. + +The young couple are not expected, unless Fortune has been +exceptionally kind, to be immediately responsive in the matter of +entertainments. The outer world is only too happy to entertain +them. Nothing can be more imprudent than for a young couple to +rush into expenditures which may endanger their future happiness +and peace of mind, nor should they feel that they are obliged at +once to return the dinners and the parties given to them. The time +will come, doubtless, when they will be able to do so. + +But the announcement of a day on which the bride will receive her +friends is almost indispensable. The refreshments on these +occasions should not exceed tea and cake, or, at the most, punch, +tea, chocolate, and cakes, which may stand on a table at one end +of the room, or may be handed by a waiter. Bouillon, on a cold day +of winter, is also in order, and is perhaps the most serviceable +of all simple refreshments. For in giving a "four-o'clock tea," or +several day receptions, a large entertainment is decidedly vulgar. + +CHAPTER XIV. +GOLD, SILVER, AND TIN WEDDINGS. + +Very few people have the golden opportunity of living together for +fifty years in the holy estate of matrimony. When they have +overcome in so great a degree the many infirmities of the flesh, +and the common incompatibility of tempers, they deserve to be +congratulated, and to have a wedding festivity which shall be as +ceremonious as the first one, and twice as impressive. But what +shall we give them? + +The gifts of gold must be somewhat circumscribed, and therefore +the injunction, so severe and so unalterable, which holds good at +tin and silver weddings, that no presents must be given of any +other metal than that designated by the day, does not hold good at +a golden wedding. A card printed in gold letters, announcing that +John Anderson and Mary Brown were married, for instance, in 1830, +and will celebrate their golden wedding in 1880, is generally the +only golden manifestation. One of the cards recently issued reads +in this way: + + 1831. 1881. + + _Mr. and Mrs. John Anderson, + At Home November twenty-first, 1881, + Golden Wedding, + 17 Carmichael Street, +at eight o'clock._ + +All done in gold, on white, thick English paper, that is nearly +all the exhibition of gold necessary at a golden wedding, unless +some friend gives the aged bride a present of jewellery. The bride +receives her children and grandchildren dressed in some article +which she wore at her first wedding, if any remain. Sometimes a +veil, or a handkerchief, or a fan, scarcely ever the whole dress, +has lasted fifty years, and she holds a bouquet of white flowers. +A wedding-cake is prepared with a ring in it, and on the frosting +is the date, and the monogram of the two, who have lived together +so long. + +These golden weddings are apt to be sad. It is not well for the +old to keep anniversaries--too many ghosts come to the feast. +Still, if people are happy enough to wish to do so, there can be +no harm in it. Their surroundings may possibly surpass their +fondest dreams, but as it regards themselves, the contrast is +painful. They have little in common with bridal joys, and unless +it is the wish of some irrepressible descendant, few old couples +care to celebrate the golden wedding save in their hearts. If they +have started at the foot of the ladder, and have risen, they may +not wish to remember their early struggles; if they have started +high, and have gradually sunk into poverty or ill health, they +certainly do not wish to photograph those better days by the +fierce light of an anniversary, It is only the very exceptionally +good, happy, and serene people who can afford to celebrate a +golden wedding. + +Far otherwise with the silver wedding, which comes in this country +while people are still young, in the very prime of life, With much +before them, and when to stop midway to take an account of one's +friends and one's blessings is a wise and a pleasant thing. The +cards are issued, printed in silver, somewhat in this style: + + 1856. 1881. + +_Mr. and Mrs. Carter +request the pleasure of your company +on Wednesday, October the twenty-seventh, +at eight o'clock. +Silver Wedding. + +John Carter. Sarah Smith._ + +Such, at least, is one form. Many people do not, however, add +their names at the end; while, again, some go even farther; and +transcribe the marriage notice from the newspaper of the period. + +Gifts of silver being comparatively inexpensive, and always +useful, almost all friends who are invited send a gift of +silver-ware, marked "Silver Wedding" or, still better, marked +with an appropriate motto, and the initials of the pair, engraved +in a true-lover's knot. + +In old Dutch silver these pretty monograms and the lover's knot +are very common. This was probably put upon the original wedding +silver, and we know that the art was studied by such men as +Albrecht Drer, Benvenuto Cellini, and Rubens, for we find among +their drawings many monograms and such devices. It adds very much +to the beauty of a piece of silver to bear such engraving, and it +is always well to add a motto, or a "posy," as the bid phrase has +it, thus investing the gift with a personal interest, in our +absence of armorial bearings. Since many pretty ornaments come in +silver, it is possible to vary the gifts by sometimes presenting +_flacons_ (a pendant _flacon_ for the _chatelaine_: some very +artistic things come in this pretty ornament now, with colored +plaques representing antique figures, etc.). Sometimes a costly +intaglio is sunk in silver and set as a pin. Clocks of silver, +bracelets, statuary in silver, necklaces, picture-frames, and +filigree pendants hanging to silver necklaces which resemble +pearls; beautiful jewel-cases and boxes for the toilet; +dressing-cases well furnished with silver; hand-mirrors set in +fretted silver; bracelets, pendant seals, and medallions in high +relief--all come now for gifts in the second precious metal. A +very pretty gift was designed by a young artist for his mother on +the celebration of her silver wedding. It was a monogram and +love-knot after the fashion of the seventeenth century, and made, +when joined, a superb belt-clasp, each little ornament of the +relief repeating the two dates. Mantle clasps of solid silver +ornamented with precious stones, and known in the Middle Ages as +_fermillets_, are pretty presents, and these ornaments can be also +enriched with gold and enamel without losing their silver +character. Chimerical animals and floral ornaments are often used +in enriching these _agrafes_. + +Mirrors set in silver are very handsome for the toilet-table; +also, brushes and combs can be made of it. All silver is apt to +tarnish, but a dip in water and ammonia cleans it at once, and few +people now like the white foamy silver; that which has assumed a +gray tint is much more admired. Indeed, artistic jewellers have +introduced the hammered silver, which looks like an old tin +teapot, and to the admirers of the real silver tint is very ugly; +but it renders the wearing of a silver _chƒtelaine_ very much +easier, for the chains and ornaments which a lady now wears on her +belt are sure to grow daily into the fashion. Silver parasol +handles are also very fashionable. We have enlarged upon this +subject of gifts of silver in answer to several questions as to +what it is proper to give at a silver wedding. Of course the +wealthy can send pitchers, vases, vegetable dishes, soup tureens, +and waiters. All the beautiful things which are now made by our +silversmiths are tempting to the purse. There are also handsome +silver necklaces, holding old and rare coins, and curious watches +of silver, resembling fruits, nuts, and animals. The farther back +we go in the history of silver-ware, the better models we are sure +to obtain. + +As for the entertainment, it includes the inevitable cake, of +course, and the bride puts the knife into it as she did +twenty-five years ago. The ring is eagerly sought for. Then a +large and plentiful repast is offered, exactly like that of any +reception-table. Champagne is in order, healths are drunk, and +speeches made at most of these silver weddings. + +Particularly delightful are silver weddings which are celebrated +in the country, especially if the house is large enough to hold a +number of guests. Then many a custom can be observed of peculiar +significance and friendliness; everybody can help to prepare the +feast, decorate the house with flowers, and save the bride from +those tearful moments which come with any retrospect. All should +try to make the scene a merry one, for there is no other reason +for its celebration. + +Tin weddings, which occur after ten years have passed over two +married heads, are signals for a general frolic. Not only are the +usual tin utensils which can be used for the kitchen and household +purposes offered, but fantastic designs and ornaments are gotten +up for the purpose of raising a laugh. One young bride received a +handsome check from her father-in-law, who labelled it "Tin," and +sent it to her in a tin pocket-book elaborately constructed for +the purpose. One very pretty tin fender was constructed for the +fireplace of another, and was not so ugly. A tin screen, tin +chandeliers, tin fans, and tin tables have been offered. If these +serve no other purpose, they do admirably for theatrical +properties later, if the family like private plays, etc., at home. + +Wooden weddings occur after five years of marriage, and afford the +bride much refurnishing of the kitchen, and nowadays some +beautiful presents of wood-carving. The wooden wedding, which was +begun in jest with a step-ladder and a rolling-pin several years +ago, now threatens to become a very splendid anniversary indeed, +since the art of carving in wood is so popular, and so much +practised by men and women. Every one is ready for a carved box, +picture-frame, screen, sideboard, chair, bureau, dressing-table, +crib, or bedstead. Let no one be afraid to offer a bit of wood +artistically carved. Everything is in order but wooden nutmegs; +they are ruled out. + +At one of the golden weddings of the Rothschilds we read of such +presents as a solid gold dinner service; a chased cup of Benvenuto +Cellini in solid gold, enriched with precious stones; a box, with +cover of gold, in the early Renaissance, with head of Marie de +Medicis in oxidized gold; of rings from Cyprus, containing +sapphires from the tombs of the Crusaders; of solid crystals cut +in drinking cups, with handles of gold; of jade goblets set in +gold saucers; of singing-birds in gold; and of toilet appliances, +all in solid gold, not to speak of chains, rings, etc. This is +luxury, and as such to be commended to those who can afford it. +But it must entail great inconvenience. Gold is so valuable that a +small piece of it goes a great way, and even a Rothschild would +not like to leave out a gold dressing-case, lest it might tempt +the most honest of waiting-women. + +No doubt some of our millionaire Americans can afford such golden +wedding-presents, but of course they are rare, and even if common, +would be less in keeping than some less magnificent gifts. Our +republican simplicity would be outraged and shocked at seeing so +much coin of the realm kept out of circulation. + +There are, however, should we wish to make a present to a bride of +fifty years' standing, many charming bits of gold jewellery very +becoming, very artistic, and not too expensive for a moderate +purse. There are the delicate productions of Castellani, the gold +and enamel of Venice, the gold-work of several different colors +which has become so artistic; there are the modern antiques, +copied from the Phoenician jewellery found at Cyprus--these made +into pins for the cap, pendants for the neck, rings and bracelets, +boxes for the holding of small sweetmeats, so fashionable many +years ago, are pretty presents for an elderly lady. For a +gentleman it is more difficult to find souvenirs. We must +acknowledge that it is always difficult to select a present for a +gentleman. Unless he has as many feet as Briareus had hands, or +unless he is a centipede, he cannot wear all the slippers given to +him; and the shirt-studs and sleeve-buttons are equally +burdensome. Rings are now fortunately in fashion, and can be as +expensive as one pleases. But one almost regrets the disuse of +snuff, as that gave occasion for many beautiful boxes. It would be +difficult to find, however, such gold snuffboxes as were once +handed round among monarchs and among wealthy snuffers. The giving +of wedding-presents has had to endure many changes since its first +beginning, which was a wise and generous desire to help the young +pair to begin house-keeping. It has become now an occasion of +ostentation. So with the gifts at the gold and silver weddings. +They have almost ceased to be friendly offerings, and are oftener +a proof of the giver's wealth than of his love. + +No wonder that some delicate-minded people, wishing to celebrate +their silver wedding, cause a line to be printed on their +invitations, "No presents received." + +Foreigners have a beautiful custom, which we have not, of +remembering every fˆte day, every birthday, every saint's day, in +a friend's calendar. A bouquet, a present of fruit, a kind note, a +little celebration which costs nothing, occurs in every family on +papa's birthday or mamma's fˆte day. But as we have nothing of +that sort, and as most people prefer that, as in the case of the +hero of the _Pirates_, a birthday shall only come once in four +years, it is well for us to celebrate the tin, silver, and golden +weddings. + +The twentieth anniversary of one's wedding is never celebrated. It +is considered very unlucky to do so. The Scotch think one or the +other will die within the year if the twentieth anniversary is +even alluded to. + +CHAPTER XV. +THE ETIQUETTE OF BALLS. + +A hostess must not use the word "ball" on her invitation-cards. +She may say, + +_Mrs. John Brown requests the pleasure of the company of + Mr. and Mrs. Amos Smith + on Thursday evening, November twenty-second, + at nine o'clock. + +Dancing. R.S.V.P._ + +Or, + +_Mrs. John Brown + At Home + Thursday evening, November twenty-second, + at nine o'clock. + +Cotillion at ten. R. S. V. P._ + +But she should not indicate further the purpose of her party. In +New York, where young ladies are introduced to society by means of +a ball at Delmonico's, the invitation is frequently worded, + +_Mr. and Mrs. Amos Smith request the pleasure +of your company + Thursday evening, November twenty-second, + at nine o'clock. + + Delmonico' s._ + +The card of the young d‚butante is sometimes (although not always) +enclosed. + +If these invitations are sent to new acquaintances, or to +strangers in town, the card of the gentleman is enclosed to +gentlemen, that of both the gentleman and his wife to ladies and +gentlemen, if it is a first invitation. + +A ballroom should be very well lighted, exceedingly well +ventilated, and very gayly dressed. It is the height of the gayety +of the day; and although dinner calls for handsome dress, a ball +demands it. Young persons of slender figure prefer light, +diaphanous dresses; the chaperons can wear heavy velvet and +brocade. Jewels are in order. A profusion of flowers in the hands +of the women should add their brightness and perfume to the rooms. +The great number of bouquets sent to a d‚butante is often +embarrassing. The present fashion is to have them hung, by +different ribbons, on the arm, so that they look as if almost a +trimming to the dress. + +Gentlemen who have not selected partners before the ball come to +their hostess and ask to be presented to ladies who will dance +with them. As a hostess cannot leave her place while receiving, +and people come at all hours to a ball, she generally asks two or +three well-known society friends to receive with her, who will +take this part of her duty off her hands, for no hostess likes to +see "wall-flowers" at her ball: she wishes all her young people to +enjoy themselves. Well-bred young men always say to the hostess +that they beg of her to introduce them to ladies who may be +without partners, as they would gladly make themselves useful to +her. After dancing with a lady, and walking about the room with +her for a few times, a gentleman is at perfect liberty to take the +young lady back to her chaperon and plead another engagement. + +A great drawback to balls in America is the lack of convenience +for those who wish to remain seated. In Europe, where the elderly +are first considered, seats are placed around the room, somewhat +high, for the chaperons, and at their feet sit the debutantes. +These red-covered sofas, in two tiers, as it were, are brought in +by the upholsterer (as we hire chairs for the crowded _musicales_ +or readings so common in large cities), and are very convenient. +It is strange that all large halls are not furnished with them, as +they make every one comfortable at very little expense, and add to +the appearance of the room. A row of well-dressed ladies, in +velvet, brocade, and diamonds, some with white hair, certainly +forms a very distinguished background for those who sit at their +feet. + +Supper is generally served all the evening from a table on which +flowers, fruits, candelabra, silver, and glass are displayed, and +which is loaded with hot oysters, boned turkey, salmon, game +_pƒt‚s_, salads, ices, jellies, and fruits, from the commencement +of the evening. A hot supper, with plentiful cups of bouillon, is +served again for those who dance the german. + +But if the hostess so prefer, the supper is not served until she +gives the word, when her husband leads the way with the most +distinguished lady present, the rest of the company following. The +hostess rarely goes in to supper until every one has been served. +She takes the opportunity of walking about her ballroom to see if +every one is happy and attended to. If she does go to supper, it +is in order to accompany some distinguished guest--like the +President, for instance. This is, however, a point which may be +left to the tact of the hostess. + +A young lady is not apt to forget her ballroom engagements, but +she should be sure not to do so. She must be careful not to offend +one gentleman by refusing to dance with him, and then accepting +the offer of another. Such things, done by frivolous girls, injure +a young man's feelings unnecessarily, and prove that the young +lady has not had the training of a gentlewoman. A young man should +not forget if he has asked a young lady for the german. He must +send her a bouquet, and be on hand to dance with her. If kept away +by sickness, or a death in his family, he must send her a note +before the appointed hour. + +It is not necessary to take leave of your hostess at a ball. All +that she requires of you is to bow to her on entering, and to make +yourself as agreeable and happy as you can while in her house. + +Young men are not always as polite as they should be at balls. +They ought, if well-bred, to look about, and see if any lady has +been left unattended at supper, to ask if they can go for +refreshments, if they can lead a lady to a seat, go for a +carriage, etc. It is not an impertinence for a young man thus to +speak to a lady older than himself, even if he has not been +introduced; the roof is a sufficient introduction for any such +purpose. + +The first persons asked to dance by the young gentlemen invited to +a house should be the daughters of the house. To them and to their +immediate relatives and friends must the first attentions be paid. + +It is not wise for young ladies to join in every dance, nor should +a young chaperon dance, leaving her proteg‚e sitting. The very bad +American custom of sending several young girls to a ball with a +very young chaperon--perhaps one of their number who has just been +married--has led to great vulgarity in our American city life, not +to say to that general misapprehension of foreigners which offends +without correcting our national vanity. A mother should endeavor +to attend balls with her daughters, and to stay as long as they +do. But many mothers say, "We are not invited: there is not room +for us." Then her daughters should not accept. It is a very poor +American custom not to invite the mothers. Let a lady give two or +three balls, if her list is so large that she can only invite the +daughters. If it be absolutely necessary to limit the invitations, +the father should go with the daughters, for who else is to escort +them to their carriage, take care of them if they faint, or look +to their special or accidental wants? The fact that a few +established old veterans of society insist upon "lagging +superfluous on the stage" should not deter ladies who entertain +from being true to the ideas of the best society, which certainly +are in favor of chaperonage. + +A lady should not overcrowd her rooms. To put five hundred people +into a hot room, with no chairs to rest in, and little air to +breathe, is to apply a very cruel test to friendship. It is this +impossibility of putting one's "five hundred dear friends" into a +narrow house which has led to the giving of balls at public +rooms--an innovation which shocked a French woman of rank who +married an American. "You have no safeguard for society in +America," she observed, "but your homes. No aristocracy, no king, +no courts, no traditions, but the sacred one of home. Now, do you +not run great risks when you abandon your homes, and bring out +your girls at a hotel?" There is something in her wise remarks; +and with the carelessness of chaperonage in cities which are now +largely populated by irresponsible foreigners the dangers +increase. + +The first duty of a gentleman on entering a ballroom is to make +his bow to the lady of the house and to her daughters; he should +then strive to find his host--a very difficult business sometimes. +Young men are to be very much censured, however, who do not find +out their host, and insist on being presented to him. +Paterfamilias in America is sometimes thought to hold a very +insignificant place in his own house, and be good for nothing but +to draw checks. This is indicative of a very low social condition, +and no man invited to a gentleman's house should leave it until he +has made his bow to the head thereof. + +It is proper for intimate friends to ask for invitations for other +friends to a ball, particularly for young gentlemen who are +"dancing men." More prudence should be exercised in asking in +behalf of ladies, but the hostess has always the privilege of +saying that her list is full, if she does not wish to invite her +friends' friends. No offence should be taken if this refusal be +given politely. In a majority of luxurious houses a tea-room is +open from the beginning to the end of a ball, frequently on the +second story, where bouillon, tea, coffee, and macaroons are in +order, or a plate of sandwiches, or any such light refreshment, +for those who do not wish a heavy supper. A large bowl of iced +lemonade is also in this room--a most grateful refreshment after +leaving a hot ballroom. + +The practice of putting crash over carpets has proved so unhealthy +to the dancers, on account of the fine fuzz which rises from it in +dancing, that it is now almost wholly abandoned; and parquet +floors are becoming so common, and the dancing on them is so much +more agreeable in every way, that ladies have their heavy parlor +carpets taken up before a ball rather than lay a crash. + +A smoking-room, up or down stairs, is set apart for the gentlemen, +where, in some houses, cigars and brandy and effervescent waters +are furnished. If this provision be not made, it is the height of +indelicacy for gentlemen to smoke in the dressing-rooms. + +The bad conduct of young men at large balls, where they abuse +their privileges by smoking, getting drunk at supper, eating +unreasonably, blockading the tables, and behaving in an unseemly +manner, even coming to blows in the supper-rooms, has been dwelt +upon in the annals of the past, which annals ever remain a +disgrace to the young fashionables of any city. Happily, such +breaches of decorum are now so rare that there is no need to touch +upon them here. + +Many of our correspondents ask the embarrassing question, "Who is +it proper to invite to a first ball?" This is a question which +cannot be answered in a general way. The tact and delicacy of the +host must decide it. + +At public balls there should be managers, ushers, stewards, and, +if possible, a committee of ladies to receive. It is very much +more conducive to the elegance of a ball if there be a recognized +hostess, or committee of hostesses: the very aspect of the room is +thus improved. And to a stranger from another city these ladies +should be hospitable, taking care that she be introduced and +treated with suitable attention. + +An awning and carpet should be placed at the front entrance of a +house in which a ball is to be given, to protect the guests +against the weather and the gaze of the crowd of by-standers who +always gather in a great city to see the well-dressed ladies +alight. Unfortunately, in a heavy rain these awnings are most +objectionable; they are not water-proof, and as soon as they are +thoroughly wet they afford no protection whatever. + +The cotillion styled the German was first danced by the German +court just after the battle of Waterloo, probably at the ball at +Aix-la-Chapelle given to the allied sovereigns. Favors are given +merely to promote enjoyment and to give variety. It is not +necessary that people be matrimonially engaged to dance it. One +engages his partner for it as for any other dance. It had been +fashionable in Europe many years before it came to this country, +but has been danced here for over forty years, first coming out at +Washington. + +CHAPTER XVI. +FASHIONABLE DANCING. + +The return to quadrilles at some of the latest balls at +Delmonico's in the winter of 1884 was an important epoch in the +history of dancing, reiterating the well-known proverb of the +dressmakers that everything comes round in fifty years. Fashion +seems to be perennial in this way, for it is almost fifty +years--certainly forty--since the quadrille was at the height of +fashion. In Germany, where they dance for dancing's sake, the +quadrille was long ago voted _rococo_ and stiff. In England and at +court balls it served always as a way, a dignified manner, for +sovereigns and people of inconveniently high rank to begin a ball, +to open a festivity, and it had a sporadic existence in the +country and at Washington even during the years when the Lancers, +a much livelier dance, had chased it away from the New York balls +for a long period of time. + +The quadrille is a stately and a conversational dance. The figures +are accurate, and every one should know them well enough to +respond to the voice of the leader. But inasmuch as the figures +are always calling one away from his partner, the first law is to +have a large supply of small-talk, so that, on rejoining, a remark +and a smile may make up for lost time. A calm, graceful carriage, +the power to make an elegant courtesy, are necessary to a lady. No +one in these days takes steps; a sort of galop is, however, +allowed in the rapid figures of the quadrille. A defiant manner, +sometimes assumed by a bashful man, is out of place, although +there are certain figures which make a man feel rather defiant. +One of these is where he is obliged, as _cavalier seul_, to +advance to three ladies, who frequently laugh at him. Then a man +should equally avoid a boisterous demeanor in a quadrille; not +swinging the lady round too gayly. It is never a romping dance, +like the Virginia reel, for instance. + +All people are apt to walk through a quadrille slowly, to music, +until they come to the "ladies' chain" or the "promenade." It is, +however, permissible to add a little swinging-step and a graceful +dancing-movement to this stately promenade. A quadrille cannot go +on evenly if any confusion arises from the ignorance, obstinacy, +or inattention of one of the dancers. It is proper, therefore, if +ignorant of the figures, to consult a dancing-master and to learn +them. It is a most valuable dance, as all ages, sizes, and +conditions of men and women can join in it. The young, old, stout, +thin, lazy, active, maimed, or single, _without loss of caste_, +can dance a quadrille. No one looks ridiculous dancing a +quadrille. It is decidedly easier than the German, makes a break +in a _tˆte-…-tˆte_ conversation, and enables a gentleman to be +polite to a lady who may not be a good dancer for waltz or polka. +The morality of round dances seems now to be little questioned. At +any rate, young girls in the presence of their mothers are not +supposed to come to harm from their enjoyment. Dancing is one of +the oldest, the most historical, forms of amusement. Even Socrates +learned to dance. There is no longer an excommunication on the +waltz, that dance which Byron abused. + +In England the _valse … deux temps_ is still the most fashionable, +as it always will be the most beautiful, of dances. Some of the +critics of all countries have said that only Germans, Russians, +and Americans can dance it. The Germans dance it very quickly, +with a great deal of motion, but render it elegant by slacking the +pace every now and then. The Russians waltz so quietly, on the +contrary, that they can go round the room holding a brimming glass +of champagne without spilling a drop. This evenness in waltzing is +very graceful, and can only be reached by long practice, a good +ear for music, and a natural gracefulness. Young Americans, who, +as a rule, are the best dancers in the world, achieve this step to +admiration. It is the gentleman's duty in any round dance to guide +his fair companion gracefully; he must not risk a collision or the +chance of a fall. A lady should never waltz if she feels dizzy. It +is a sign of disease of the heart, and has brought on death. +Neither should she step flat-footed, and make her partner carry +her round; but must do her part of the work, and dance lightly and +well, or not at all. Then, again, neither should her partner waltz +on the tip of his toes, nor lift his partner too much off the +floor; all should be smooth, graceful, delicate. + +The American dance of the season is, however, the polka--not the +old-fashioned "heel and toe," but the step, quick and gay, of the +Sclavonic nationalities. It may be danced slowly or quickly. It is +always, however, a spirited step, and the music is undoubtedly +pretty. The dancing-masters describe the step of a polka as being +a "hop, three glides, and a rest," and the music is two-four time. +In order to apply the step to the music one must make it in +four-eight time, counting four to each measure of the music, each +measure taking about a second of time by the watch. The polka +redowa and the polka mazourka are modifications of this step to +different times. + +The galop is another fashionable dance this winter. It is very +easy, and is danced to very quick music; it is inspiriting at the +end of a ball. + +The _minuet de la cour_ was first danced in the ancient province +of Poitou, France. In Paris, in 1653, Louis XIV., who was +passionately fond of it, danced it to perfection. In 1710, Marcel, +the renowned dancing-master, introduced it into England. Then it +went out for many years, until Queen Victoria revived it at a _bal +costum‚_ at Buckingham Palace in 1845. In New York it was revived +and ardently practised for Mrs. W. K. Vanderbilt's splendid fancy +ball in 1883, and it was much admired. There seems no reason why +the grace, the dignity, the continuous movement; the courtesy, the +_pas grace_, the skilfully-managed train, the play with the fan, +should not commend this elegant dance to even our republican +dancers; but it has not been danced this winter. It is possibly +too much trouble. A dancing-master worked all winter to teach it +to the performers of the last season. + +To make a courtesy (or, as we are fond of saying, a _curtsy_) +properly is a very difficult art, yet all who dance the quadrille +must learn it. To courtesy to her partner the lady steps off with +the right foot, carrying nearly all her weight upon it, at the +same time raising the heel of the left foot, thus placing herself +in the second position, facing her partner, counting _one_. She +then glides the left foot backward and across till the toe of the +left foot is directly behind the right heel, the feet about one +half of the length of the foot apart. This glide commences on the +ball of the left foot, and terminates with both feet flat upon the +floor, and the transfer of the weight to the backward foot. The +bending of the knees and the casting down of the eyes begin with +the commencement of the glide with the left foot, and the +genuflection is steadily continued until the left foot reaches the +position required, counting _two_; then, without changing the +weight from the backward foot, she gradually rises, at the same +time raising the forward heel and lifting the eyes, until she +recovers her full height, counting _three_; and finally transfers +the weight to the forward foot, counting _four_. Such is the +elaborate and the graceful courtesy. It should be studied with a +master. + +The "German" (the "Cotillon," as the French call it) is, however, +and probably long will be, the most fashionable dance in society. +It ends every ball in New York, Washington, Boston, Philadelphia, +and Newport; it is a part of the business of life, and demands +consummate skill in its leadership. Any number may join in it; it +often reaches twice around a large ballroom. All the couples in it +are regarded as introduced to each other. No lady can refuse to +dance with any gentleman who is brought to her in the German. So +long as she remains in the charmed circle she must dance with any +one in it. Therefore the German must only be introduced at select +assemblies, not at a public ball. The leader opens the German by +motioning to certain couples to make a _tour de valse_ round the +room. + +Many of our correspondents write to ask us what are the latest and +the favorite figures in the German. This is a difficult question +to answer, as the leader always has his own favorite figures. The +German generally begins with _l'avant trois double_, which may be +generally described thus: the leader, having performed the _tour +de valse_ with his partner, leaves her, and brings forward two +other ladies; his lady brings forward two other gentlemen; the two +_trios_ place themselves opposite each other, then forward and +back, and each gentleman with the lady in front of him performs a +_tour de valse_. Should the company be large, two or more couples +may start together, each couple choosing other ladies and +gentlemen in the same manner as the first couple. Then comes _La +Chaise_ after the _tour de valse_. The leader places his partner +in a chair in the centre of the room; he then brings forward two +gentlemen and presents them to the lady, who chooses one of them, +after which he seats the gentleman who is rejected, and brings to +him two ladies; he also selects a partner, and the leader dances +with the refused lady to her place. This figure may be danced by +any number of couples. + +_Les Drapeaux_ is a favorite figure. Five or six duplicate sets of +small flags of national or fancy devices must be in readiness. The +leader takes a flag of each pattern, and his partner takes the +duplicate. They perform a _tour de valse_. The conductor then +presents his flags to five or six ladies, and his partner presents +the corresponding flags to as many gentlemen. The gentlemen then +seek the ladies having the duplicates, and with them perform a +_tour de valse_, waving the flags as they dance. Repeated by all +the couples. + +_Les Bouquets_ brings in the favors. A number of small bouquets +and boutonnieres are placed upon a table or in a basket. The first +couple perform a _tour de valse_; they then separate. The +gentleman takes a bouquet, and the lady a boutonniere. They now +select new partners, to whom they present the bouquet and +boutonniere, the lady attaching the boutonniere to the gentleman's +coat. They perform a _tour de valse_ with their new partners. +Repeated by all the couples. Other favors are frequently +substituted for bouquets and boutonnieres, such as rosettes, +miniature flags, artificial butterflies, badges, sashes, bonbons, +little bells (the latter being attached to small pieces of ribbon +and pinned to the coat or dress), scarf-pins, bangles, fans, caps, +imitation antique coins, breastpins, lace pins, lockets; and even +gifts of great value, such as shawls, scarfs, vases, +picture-frames, writing-desks, and chairs (represented, of course, +by tickets) have been this winter introduced in the german. But +the cheap, light, fantastic things are the best, and contribute +more to the amusement of the company. + +Some of the figures of the German border on the romp. One of these +is called _La Corde_. A rope is stretched by the leading couple +across the room, and the gentlemen jump over it to reach their +partners. Much amusement is occasioned by the tripping of +gentlemen who are thrown by the intentional raising of the rope. +After all have reached their partners they perform a _tour de +valse_, and regain their seats. This is a figure not to be +commended. Still less is the figure called _Les Masques_. The +gentlemen put on masques resembling "Bully Bottom" and other +grotesque faces and heads of animals. They raise these heads above +a screen, the ladies choosing partners without knowing them; the +gentlemen remain _en masque_ until the termination of the _tour de +valse_. This figure was danced at Delmonico's and at the Brunswick +last winter, and the mammas complained that the fun grew rather +too fast and furious. _Les Rubans_ is a very pretty figure. Six +ribbons, each about a yard in length, and of various colors, are +attached to one end of a stick about twenty-four inches in length, +also a duplicate set of ribbons, attached to another stick, must +be in readiness. The first couple perform a _tour de valse_, then +separate; the gentleman takes one set of ribbons, and stops +successively in front of the ladies whom he desires to select to +take part in the figure; each of these ladies rises and takes hold +of the loose end of the ribbon; the first lady takes the other set +of ribbons, bringing forward the six gentlemen in the same manner. +The first couple conduct the ladies and gentlemen towards each +other, and each gentleman dances with the lady holding the ribbon +duplicate of his own; the first gentleman dances with his partner. + +We might go on indefinitely with these figures, but have no more +space. The position of a dancer should be learned with the aid of +a teacher. The upper part of the body should be quiet; the head +held in a natural position, neither turned to one side nor the +other; the eyes neither cast down nor up. The gentleman should put +his arm firmly around a lady's waist, not holding her too close, +but firmly holding her right hand with his left one; the lady +turns the palm of her right hand downward; her right arm should be +nearly straight, but not stiff. The gentleman's left arm should be +slightly bent, his elbow inclined slightly backward. It is very +inelegant, however--indeed, vulgar--to place the joined hands +against the gentleman's side or hip; they should be kept clear of +the body. The step should be in unison; if the gentleman bends his +right elbow too much, he draws the lady's left shoulder against +his right, thereby drawing the lady too close. The gentleman's +right shoulder and the lady's left should be as far apart as the +other shoulders. If a gentleman does not hold his partner +properly, thereby causing her either to struggle to be free or +else to dance wildly for want of proper support, if he permits +himself and partner to collide with other couples, he cannot be +considered a good dancer. + +CHAPTER XVII. +LETTERS AND LETTER-WRITING. + +The person who can write a graceful note is always spoken of with +phrases of commendation. The epistolary art is said to be +especially feminine, and the novelists and essayists are full of +compliments to the sex, which is alternately praised and +objurgated, as man feels well or ill. Bulwer says: "A woman is the +genius of epistolary communication. Even men write better to a +woman than to one of their own sex. No doubt they conjure up, +while writing, the loving, listening face, the tender, pardoning +heart, the ready tear of sympathy, and passionate confidences of +heart and brain flow rapidly from the pen." But there is no such +thing now as an "epistolary style." Our immediate ancestors wrote +better and longer letters than we do. They covered three pages of +large letter-paper with crow-quill handwriting, folded the paper +neatly, tucked one edge beneath the other (for there were no +envelopes), and then sealed it with a wafer or with sealing-wax. +To send one of these epistles was expensive--twenty-five cents +from New York to Boston. However, the electric telegraph and cheap +postage and postal-cards may have been said, in a way, to have +ruined correspondence in the old sense; lovers and fond mothers +doubtless still write long letters, but the business of the +letter-writer proper is at an end. The writing of notes has, +however, correspondingly increased; and the last ten years have +seen a profuse introduction of emblazoned crest and cipher, +pictorial design, and elaborate monogram in the corners of +ordinary note-paper. The old illuminated missal of the monks, the +fancy of the Japanese, the ever-ready taste of the French, all +have been exhausted to satisfy that always hungry caprice which +calls for something new. + +The frequency with which notes upon business and pleasure must fly +across a city and a continent has done away, also, with the +sealing-wax, whose definite, red, clear, oval was a fixture with +our grandfathers, and which is still the only elegant, formal, and +ceremonious way acknowledged in England, of sealing a letter. + +There were, however, serious objections to the use of wax in this +country, which were discovered during the early voyages to +California. The intense heat of the Isthmus of Panama melted the +wax, and letters were irretrievably glued together, to the loss of +the address and the confusion of the postmaster. So the glued +envelope--common, cheap, and necessary--became the almost +prevailing fashion for all notes as well as letters. + +The taste for colored note-paper with flowers in the corner was +common among the belles of thirty years ago--the "rose-colored +and scented _billet-doux_" is often referred to in the novels of +that period. But colored note-paper fell into disuse long ago, and +for the last few years we have not seen the heavy tints. A few +pale greens, grays, blues, and lilacs have, indeed, found a place +in fashionable stationery, and a deep coffee-colored, heavy paper +had a little run about three years ago; but at the present moment +no color that is appreciable is considered stylish, unless it be +_‚cru_, which is only a creamy white. + +A long truce is at last bidden to the fanciful, emblazoned, and +colored monogram; the crest and cipher are laid on the shelf, and +ladies have simply the address of their city residence, or the +name of their country place, printed in one corner (generally in +color), or, latest device of fashion, a fac-simile of their +initials, carefully engraved, and dashed across the corner of the +note-paper. The day of the week, also copied from their own +handwriting, is often impressed upon the square cards now so much +in use for short notes, or on the note-paper. + +There is one fashion which has never changed, and will never +change, which is always in good taste, and which, perhaps, would +be to-day the most perfect of all styles, and that is, good, +plain, thick, English notepaper, folded square, put in a square +envelope, and sealed with red sealing-wax which bears the imprint +of the writer's coat of arms. No one can make any mistake who uses +such stationery as this in any part of the world. On such paper +and in such form are ambassadors' notes written; on such paper and +in such style would the Princess Louise write her notes. + +However, there is no law against the monogram. Many ladies still +prefer it, and always use the paper which has become familiar to +their friends. It is, however, a past rather than a present +fashion. + +The plan of having all the note-paper marked with the address is +an admirable one, for it effectually reminds the person who +receives the note where the answer should be sent--information of +which some ladies forget the importance, and which should always +be written, if not printed, at the head of a letter. It also gives +a stylish finish to the appearance of the note-paper, is simple, +unpretending, and useful. + +The ink should invariably be black. From the very superior, +lasting qualities of a certain purple fluid, which never became +thick in the inkstand, certain ladies, a few years ago, used the +purple and lilac inks very much. But they are not elegant; they +are not in fashion; the best note-writers do not use them. The +plain black ink, which gives the written characters great +distinctness, is the only fashionable medium. + +Every lady should study to acquire an elegant, free, and educated +hand; there is nothing so useful, so sure to commend the writer +everywhere, as such a chirography; while a cramped, poor, +slovenly, uneducated, unformed handwriting is sure to produce the +impression upon the reader that those qualities are more or less +indicative of the writer's character. The angular English hand is +at present the fashion, although less legible and not more +beautiful than the round hand. We cannot enter into that great +question as to whether or not handwriting is indicative of +character; but we hold that a person's notes are generally +characteristic, and that a neat, flowing, graceful hand, and a +clean sheet, free from blots, are always agreeable to the eye. The +writer of notes, also, must carefully discriminate between the +familiar note and the note of ceremony, and should learn how to +write both. + +Custom demands that we begin all notes in the first person, with +the formula of "My dear Mrs. Smith," and that we close with the +expressions, "Yours cordially," "Yours with much regard," etc. The +laws of etiquette do not permit us to use numerals, as 3, 4, 5, +but demand that we write out _three, four, five_. No abbreviations +are allowed in a note to a friend, as, "Sd be glad to see you;" one +must write out, "I should be glad to see you." The older +letter-writers were punctilious about writing the first word of +the page below the last line of the page preceding it. The date +should follow the signing of the name. + +A great and very common mistake existing among careless +letter-writers is the confusion of the first and third persons; as +a child would write, "Miss Lucy Clark will be happy to come to +dinner, but I am going somewhere else." This is, of course, wildly +ignorant and improper. + +A note in answer to an invitation should be written in the third +person, if the invitation be in the third person. No +abbreviations, no visible hurry, but an elaborate and finished +ceremony should mark such epistles. For instance, an acceptance of +a dinner invitation must be written in this form: + +_Mr. and Mrs. Cadogan +have great pleasure in accepting the polite +invitation of +Mr. and Mrs. Sutherland +for dinner on the seventeenth inst., at seven o'clock. +18 Lombard Square. +July sixth._ + +One lady in New York was known to answer a dinner invitation +simply with the words, "Come with pleasure." It is unnecessary to +add that she was never invited again. + +It is impossible to give persons minute directions as to the style +of a note, for that must be the outgrowth of years of careful +education, training, and good mental powers. "To write a pretty +note" is also somewhat of a gift. Some young men and young girls +find it very easy, others can scarcely acquire the power. It is, +however, absolutely necessary to strive for it. + +In the first place, arrange your ideas, know what you want to say, +and approach the business of writing a note with a certain +thoughtfulness. If it is necessary to write it hastily, summon all +your powers of mind, and try to make it brief, intelligible, and +comprehensive. + +Above all things, _spell correctly_. A word badly spelled stands +out like a blot on a familiar or a ceremonious note. + +Do not send a blurred, blotted, slovenly note to any one; it will +remain to call up a certain prejudice against you in the mind of +the recipient. The fashion is not now, as it once was, imperative +that a margin be left around the edge of the paper. People now +write all over the paper, and thus abolish a certain elegance +which the old letters undoubtedly possessed. But postage is a +consideration, and all we can ask of the youthful letter-writers +is that they will not _cross_ their letters. Plaid letters are the +horror of all people who have not the eyes of a hawk. + +No letter or note should be written on ruled paper. To do so is +both inelegant and unfashionable, and savors of the school-room. +Every young person should learn to write without lines. + +The square cards are much used, and are quite large enough for the +transmission of all that a lady ordinarily wishes to say in giving +or accepting an invitation. The day of the week and the address +are often printed on the card. + +Square envelopes have also driven the long ones from the table of +the elegant note-writer, and the custom of closing all ceremonious +notes with sealing-wax is still adhered to by the most fastidious. +It would be absurd, however, to say that it is nearly as common as +the more convenient habit of moistening the gummed envelope, but +it is far more elegant, and every young person should learn how to +seal a note properly. To get a good impression from an engraved +stone seal, anoint it lightly with linseed-oil, to keep the wax +from adhering; then dust it with rouge powder to take off the +gloss, and press it quickly, but firmly, on the melted wax. + +Dates and numerical designations, such as the number of a house, +may be written in Arabic figures, but quantities should be +expressed in words. Few abbreviations are respectful. A married +lady should always be addressed with the prefix of her husband's +Christian name. + +In this country, where we have no titles, it is the custom to +abbreviate everything except the title of "Reverend," which we +always give to the clergy. But it would be better if we made a +practice of giving to each person his special title, and to all +returned ambassadors, members of Congress, and members of the +Legislature the title of "Honorable." The Roman Catholic clergy +and the bishops of the Episcopal and Methodist churches should be +addressed by their proper titles, and a note should be, like a +salutation, infused with respect. It honors the writer and the +person to whom it is written, while a careless letter may injure +both. + +CHAPTER XVIII. +COSTLY THY HABIT. + +We are often asked as to the appropriate dress to be worn at +afternoon tea, at balls, at dinners, christenings, etc. + +Neatness and simple elegance should always characterize a lady, +and after that she may be as expensive as she pleases, if only at +the right time. And we may say here that simplicity and plainness +characterize many a rich woman in a high place; and one can always +tell a real lady from an imitation one by her style of dress. +Vulgarity is readily seen even under a costly garment. There +should be harmony and fitness, and suitability as to age and times +and seasons. Every one can avoid vulgarity and slovenliness; and +in these days, when the fashions travel by telegraph, one can be +_… la mode_. + +French women have a genius for dress. An old or a middle-aged +woman understands how to make the best of herself in the assorting +and harmonizing of colors; she never commits the mistake of making +herself too youthful. In our country we often see an old woman +bedizened like a _Figurante_, imagining that she shall gain the +graces of youth by borrowing its garments. All this aping of +youthful dress "multiplies the wrinkles of old age, and makes its +decay more conspicuous." + +For balls in this country, elderly women are not expected to go in +low neck unless they wish to, so that the chaperon can wear a +dress such as she would wear at a dinner--either a velvet or +brocade, cut in Pompadour shape, with a profusion of beautiful +lace. All her ornaments should match in character, and she should +be as unlike her charge as possible. The young girls look best in +light gossamer material, in tulle, crepe, or tarlatan, in pale +light colors or in white, while an elderly, stout woman never +looks so badly as in low-necked light-colored silks or satins, +Young women look well in natural flowers; elderly women, in +feathers and jewelled head-dresses. + +If elderly women with full figure wear low-necked dresses, a lace +shawl or scarf, or something of that sort, should be thrown over +the neck; and the same advice might be given to thin and scrawny +figures. A lady writes to us as to what dress should be worn at +her child's christening. We should advise a high-necked dark silk; +it may be of as handsome material as she chooses, but it should be +plain and neat in general effect. No woman should overdress in her +own house; it is the worst taste. All dress should correspond to +the spirit of the entertainment given. Light-colored silks, +sweeping trains, bonnets very gay and garnished with feathers, +lace parasols, and light gloves, are fit for carriages at the +races, but they are out of place for walking in the streets. They +may do for a wedding reception, but they are not fit for a picnic +or an excursion. Lawn parties, flower shows, and promenade +concerts, should all be dressed for in a gay, bright fashion; and +the costumes for these and for yachting purposes may be as +effective and coquettish as possible; but for church, for +readings, for a morning concert, for a walk, or a morning call on +foot, a tailor-made costume, with plain, dark hat, is the most to +be admired. Never wear a "dressy" bonnet in the street. + +The costumes for picnics, excursions, journeys; and the sea-side +should be of a strong fabric, simple cut, and plain color. Things +which will wash are better for our climate. Serge, tweed, and +piqu‚ are the best. + +A morning dress for a late breakfast may be as luxurious as one +pleases. The modern fashion of imitation lace put on in great +quantities over a foulard or a gingham, a muslin or a cotton, made +up prettily, is suitable for women of all ages; but an old +"company dress" furbished up to do duty at a watering-place is +terrible, and not to be endured. + +It has been the fashion this season to wear full-dress at +weddings. The bride and her maids have appeared with low neck and +short sleeves in the cold morning air at several fashionable +churches. The groom at the same time wearing morning costume. It +is an era of low necks. The pendulum of fashion is swinging that +way. We have spoken of this before, so only record the fact that +the low neck will prevail in many summer evening dresses as well +as for morning weddings. + +The very tight fashion of draping skirts should make all women +very careful as to the way they sit down. Some Frenchman said he +could tell a gentleman by his walk; another has lately said that +he can tell a lady by the way she sits down. A woman is allowed +much less freedom of posture than a man. He may change his +position as he likes, and loll or lounge, cross his legs, or even +nurse his foot if he pleases; but a woman must have grace and +dignity; in every gesture she must be "ladylike." Any one who has +seen a great actress like Modjeska sit down will know what an +acquired grace it is. + +A woman should remember that she "belongs to a sex which cannot +afford to be grotesque." There should never be rowdiness or +carelessness. + +The mania for extravagant dress on the stage, the _pieces des +robes_, is said to be one of the greatest enemies of the +legitimate drama. The leading lady must have a conspicuous display +of elaborate gowns, the latest inventions of the modistes. In +Paris these stage costumes set the fashions, and bonnets and caps +and gowns become individualized by their names. They look very +well on the wearers, but they look very badly on some elderly, +plain, middle-aged, stout woman who has adopted them. + +Plain satins and velvet, rich and dark brocades, made by an +artist, make any one look well. The elderly woman should be able +to move without effort or strain of any kind; a black silk well +made is indispensable; and even "a celebrity of a by-gone day" may +be made to look handsome by a judicious but not too brilliant +toilette. + +The dress called "complimentary mourning," which is rather a +contradiction in terms, is now made very elegant and dressy. Black +and white in all the changes, and black bugles and bead trimming, +all the shades of lilac and of purple, are considered by the +French as proper colors and trimmings in going out of black; while +for full mourning the English still preserve the cap, weepers, and +veil, the plain muslin collar and cuffs, the crape dress, large +black silk cloak, crape bonnet and veil. + +Heavy, ostentatious, and expensive habiliments are often worn in +mourning, but they are not in the best taste. The plain-surfaced +black silks are commendable. + +For afternoon tea in this country the hostess generally wears a +handsome high-necked gown, often a combination of stamped or +brocaded velvet, satin, and silk. She rarely wears what in England +is called a "tea-gown," which is a semi-loose garment. For +visiting at afternoon teas no change is made from the ordinary +walking dress, unless the three or four ladies who help receive +come in handsome reception dresses. A skirt of light brocade with +a dark velvet over-dress is very much worn at these receptions, +and if made by a French artist is a beautiful dress. These dark +velvets are usually made high, with a very rich lace ruff. + +The high Medicean collar and pretty Medicean cap of velvet are in +great favor with the middle-aged ladies of the present day, and +are a very becoming style of dress for the opera. The present +fashion of full dress at the opera, while it may not improve the +music, certainly makes the house look very pretty and stately. + +Too many dresses are a mistake, even for an opulent woman. They +get out of fashion, and excepting for a girl going out to many +balls they are entirely unnecessary. A girl who is dancing needs +to be perpetually renewed, for she should be always fresh, and the +"wear and tear" of the cotillion is enormous. There is nothing so +poor as a dirty, faded, and patched-up ball-dress; the dancer had +better stay at home than wear such. + +The fashion of sleeves should be considered. A stout woman looks +very badly in a loose sleeve of hanging lace which only reaches +the elbow. It makes the arm look twice as large. She should wear, +for a thin sleeve, black lace to the wrist, with bands of velvet +running down, to diminish the size of the arm. All those lace +sleeves to the elbow, with drops of gold, or steel trimming, or +jets, are very unbecoming; no one but the slight should wear them. + +Tight lacing is also very unbecoming to those who usually adopt +it--women of thirty-eight or forty who are growing a little stout. +In thus trussing themselves up they simply get an unbecoming +redness of the face, and are not the handsome, comfortable-looking +creatures which Heaven intended they should be. Two or three +beautiful women well known in society killed themselves last year +by tight lacing. The effect of an inch less waist was not apparent +enough to make this a wise sacrifice of health and ease of +breathing. + +At a lady's lunch party, which is always an occasion for handsome +dress, and where bonnets are always worn, the faces of those who +are too tightly dressed always show the strain by a most +unbecoming flush; and as American rooms are always too warm, the +suffering must be enormous. + +It is a very foolish plan, also, to starve one's self, or +"_bant_," for a graceful thinness; women only grow wrinkled, show +crow's-feet under the eyes, and look less young than those who let +themselves alone. + +A gorgeously dressed woman in the proper place is a fine sight. A +well-dressed woman is she who understands herself and her +surroundings. + +CHAPTER XIX. +DRESSING FOR DRIVING. + +No one who has seen the coaching parade in New York can have +failed to observe the extraordinary change which has come over the +fashion in dress for this conspicuous occasion. Formerly ladies +wore black silks, or some dark or low-toned color in woollen or +cotton or silk; and a woman who should have worn a white dress on +top of a coach would, ten years ago, have been thought to make +herself undesirably conspicuous. + +Now the brightest colored and richest silks, orange, blue, pink, +and lilac dresses, trimmed with lace flounces, dinner dresses, in +fact--all the charming confections of Worth or Piugat--are freely +displayed on the coach-tops, with the utmost graciousness, for +every passer-by to comment on. The lady on the top of a coach +without a mantle appears very much as she would at a full-dress +ball or dinner. She then complains that sometimes ill-natured +remarks float up from the gazers, and that the ladies are +insulted. The fashion began at Longchamps and at Ascot, where, +especially at the former place, a lady was privileged to sit in +her victoria, with her lilac silk full ruffled to the waist, in +the most perfect and aristocratic seclusion. Then the fast set of +the Prince of Wales took it up, and plunged into rivalry in +dressing for the public procession through the London streets, +where a lady became as prominent an object of observation as the +Lord Mayor's coach. It has been taken up and developed in America +until it has reached a climax of splendor and, if we may say so, +inappropriateness, that is characteristic of the following of +foreign fashions in this country. How can a white satin, trimmed +with lace, or an orange silk, be the dress in which a lady should +meet the sun, the rain, or the dust of a coaching expedition? Is +it the dress in which she feels that she ought to meet the gaze of +a mixed assemblage in a crowded hotel or in a much frequented +thoroughfare? What change of dress can there be left for the +drawing-room? + +We are glad to see that the Princess of Wales, whose taste seems +to be as nearly perfect as may be, has determined to set her +pretty face against this exaggerated use of color. She appeared +recently in London, on top of a coach, in a suit of navy-blue +flannel. Again, she and the Empress of Austria are described as +wearing dark, neat suits of _drap d'‚t‚_, and also broadcloth +dresses. One can see the delicate figures and refined features of +these two royal beauties in this neat and inconspicuous dress, +and, when they are contrasted with the flaunting pink and white +and lace and orange dresses of those who are not royal, how vulgar +the extravagance in color becomes! + +Our grandmothers travelled in broadcloth riding-habits, and we +often pity them for the heat and the distress which they must have +endured in the heavy, high-fitting, long-sleeved garments; yet we +cannot but think they would have looked better on top of a coach +than their granddaughters--who should remember, when they complain +of the rude remarks, that we have no aristocracy here whose +feelings the mob is obliged to respect, and that the plainer their +dress the less apt they will be to hear unpleasant epithets +applied to them. In the present somewhat aggressive Amazonian +fashion, when a woman drives a man in her pony phaeton (he sitting +several inches below her), there is no doubt much audacity +unintentionally suggested by a gay dress. A vulgar man, seeing a +lady in white velvet, Spanish lace, a large hat--in what he +considers a "loud" dress--does not have the idea of modesty or of +refinement conveyed to his mind by the sight; he is very apt to +laugh, and to say something not wholly respectful. Then the lady +says, "With how little respect women are treated in large cities, +or at Newport, or at Saratoga!" Were she more plainly dressed, in +a dark foulard or an inconspicuous flannel or cloth dress, with +her hat simply arranged, she would be quite as pretty and better +fitted for the matter she has in hand, and very much less exposed +to invidious comment. Women dress plainly enough when tempting the +"salt-sea wave," and also when on horseback. Nothing could be +simpler than the riding-habit, and yet is there any dress so +becoming? But on the coach they should not be too fine. + +Of course, women can dress as they please, but if they please to +dress conspicuously they must be ready to take the consequences. A +few years ago no lady would venture into the street unless a +mantle or a scarf covered her shoulders. It was a lady-like +precaution. Then came the inglorious days of the "tied-backs," a +style of dress most unbecoming to the figure, and now happily no +more. This preposterous fashion had, no doubt, its influence on +the manners of the age. + +Better far, if women would parade their charms, the courtly +dresses of those beauties of Bird-cage Walk, by St. James's Park, +where "Lady Betty Modish" was born--full, long, _bouffant_ +brocades, hair piled high, long and graceful scarfs, and gloves +reaching to the elbow. Even the rouge and powder were a mask to +hide the cheek which did or did not blush when bold eyes were +fastened upon it. Let us not be understood, however, as extolling +these. The nineteenth-century beauty mounts a coach with none of +these aids to shyness. No suggestion of hiding any of her charms +occurs to her. She goes out on the box seat without cloak or +shawl, or anything but a hat on the back of her head and a gay +parasol between her and a possible thunder-storm. These ladies are +not members of an acclimatization society. They cannot bring about +a new climate. Do they not suffer from cold? Do not the breezes go +through them? Answer, all ye pneumonias and diphtherias and +rheumatisms! + +There is no delicacy in the humor with which the funny papers and +the caricaturists treat these very exaggerated costumes. No +delicacy is required. A change to a quieter style of dress would +soon abate this treatment of which so many ladies complain. Let +them dress like the Princess of Wales and the Empress of Austria, +when in the conspicuous high-relief of the coach, and the result +will be that ladies, married or single, will not be subjected to +the insults of which so many of them complain, and of which the +papers are full after every coaching parade. + +Lady riders are seldom obliged to complain of the incivility of a +passer-by. Theirs are modest figures, and, as a general thing +nowadays, they ride well. A lady can alight from her horse and +walk about in a crowded place without hearing an offensive word: +she is properly dressed for her exercise. + +Nor, again, is a young lady in a lawn-tennis suit assailed by the +impertinent criticisms of a mixed crowd of by-standers. Thousands +play at Newport, Saratoga, and other places of resort, with +thousands looking on, and no one utters a word of rebuke. The +short flannel skirt and close Jersey are needed for the active +runner, and her somewhat eccentric appearance is condoned. It is +not considered an exhibition or a show, but a good, healthy game +of physical exercise. People feel an interest and a pleasure in +it. It is like the old-fashioned merry-making of the May-pole, the +friendly jousts of neighbors on the common play-ground of the +neighborhood, with the dances under the walnut-trees of sunny +Provence. The game is an invigorating one, and even those who do +not know it are pleased with its animation. We have hitherto +neglected that gymnastic culture which made the Greeks the +graceful people they were, and which contributed to the +cultivation of the mind. + +Nobody finds anything to laugh at in either of these costumes; but +when people see a ball-dress mounted high on a coach they are very +apt to laugh at it; and women seldom come home from a coaching +parade without a tingling cheek and a feeling of shame because of +some comment upon their dress and appearance. A young lady drove +up, last summer, to the Ocean House at Newport in a pony phaeton, +and was offended because a gentleman on the piazza said, "That +girl has a very small waist, and she means us to see it." Who was +to blame? The young lady was dressed in a very conspicuous manner: +she had neither mantle nor jacket about her, and she probably did +mean that her waist should be seen. + +There is a growing objection all over the world to the hour-glass +shape once so fashionable, and we ought to welcome it as the best +evidence of a tendency towards a more sensible form of dress, as +well as one more conducive to health and the wholesome discharge +of a woman's natural and most important functions. But if a woman +laces herself into a sixteen-inch belt, and then clothes herself +in brocade, satin, and bright colors, and makes herself +conspicuous, she should not object to the fact that men, seeing +her throw aside her mantle, comment upon her charms in no measured +terms. She has no one to blame but herself. + +We might add that by this over-dressing women deprive themselves +of the advantage of contrast in style. Lace, in particular, is for +the house and for the full-dress dinner or ball. So are the light, +gay silks, which have no fitness of fold or of texture for the +climbing of a coach. If bright colors are desired, let ladies +choose the merinos and nuns' veilings for coaching dresses; or, +better still, let them dress in dark colors, in plain and +inconspicuous dresses, which do not seem to defy both dust and sun +and rain as well. On top of a coach they are far more exposed to +the elements than when on the deck of a yacht. + +Nor, because the fast set of the Prince of Wales do so in London, +is there any reason why American women should appear on top of a +coach dressed in red velvet and white satin. Let them remember the +fact that the Queen had placed Windsor Castle at the disposal of +the Prince for his use during Ascot week, but that when she +learned that two somewhat conspicuous American beauties were +expected, she rescinded the loan and told the Prince to entertain +his guests elsewhere. + +CHAPTER XX. +INCONGRUITIES OF DRESS. + +We are all aware of the value of a costume, such as the dress of +the Pompadour era: the Swiss peasant's bodice, the Normandy cap, +the _faldetta_ of the Maltese, the Hungarian national dress, the +early English, the Puritan square-cut, the Spanish mantilla, the +Roman scarf and white cap--all these come before us; and as we +mention each characteristic garment there steps out on the canvas +of memory a neat little figure, in which every detail from shoe to +head-dress is harmonious. + +No one in his wildest dreams, however, could set out with the +picture of a marquise, and top it off with a Normandy cap. Nor +could he put powder on the dark hair of the jaunty little +Hungarian. The beauty of these costumes is seen in each as a +whole, and not in the parts separately. The marquise must wear +pink or blue, or some light color; she must have the long waist, +the square-cut corsage, the large hoop, the neat slipper, with +rosette and high heel, the rouge and patches to supplement her +powdered hair, or she is no marquise. + +The Swiss peasant must have the short skirt, the white chemisette, +the black velvet bodice, the cross and ribbon, the coarse shoes, +and the head-dress of her canton; the Normandy peasant her dark, +striking dress, her high-heeled, gold-buckled shoe, and her white +apron; the Hungarian her neat, military scarlet jacket, braided +with gold, her scant petticoat and military boot, her high cap and +feather. The dress of the English peasant, known now as the +"Mother Hubbard" hat and cloak, very familiar to the students of +costumes as belonging to the countrywomen of Shakspeare's time, +demands the short, bunched-up petticoat and high-heeled, high-cut +shoes to make it perfect. + +We live in an age, however, when fashion, irrespective of artistic +principle, mixes up all these costumes, and borrows a hat here and +a shoe there, the effect of each garment, diverted from its +original intention, being lost. + +If "all things by their season seasoned are," so is all dress (or +it should be) seasonable and comprehensive, congruous and +complete. The one great secret of the success of the French as +artists and magicians of female costume is that they consider the +_entire figure_ and its demands, the conditions of life and of +luxury, the propriety of the substance, and the needs of the +wearer. A lady who is to tread a velvet carpet or a parqueted +floor does not need a wooden shoe; she needs a satin slipper or +boot. Yet in the modern drawing-room we sometimes see a young lady +dancing in a heavy Balmoral boot which is only fitted for the bogs +and heather of a Scotch tramp. The presence of a short dress in a +drawing-room, or of a long train in the street, is part of the +general incongruity of dress. + +The use of the ulster and the Derby hat became apparent on English +yachts, where women learned to put themselves in the attitude of +men, and very properly adopted the storm jib; but, if one of those +women had been told that she would, sooner or later, appear in +this dress in the streets of London, she would have been shocked. + +In the days of the French emigration, when highborn ladies escaped +on board friendly vessels in the harbor of Honfleur, many of them +had on the long-waisted and full-skirted overcoats of their +husbands, who preferred to shiver rather than endure the pain of +seeing their wives suffer from cold. These figures were observed +by London tailors and dress-makers, and out of them grew the +English pelisse which afterwards came into fashion. On a stout +Englishwoman the effect was singularly absurd, and many of the +early caricatures give us the benefit of this incongruity; for +although a small figure looks well in a pelisse, a stout one never +does. The Englishwoman who weighs two or three hundred pounds +should wear a sacque, a shawl, or a loose cloak, instead of a +tight-waisted pelisse. However, we are diverging. The sense of the +_personally becoming_ is still another branch of the great subject +of dress. A velvet dress, for instance, demands for its trimmings +expensive and real lace. It should not be supplemented by Breton +or imitation Valenciennes. All the very pretty imitation laces are +appropriate for cheap silks, poplins, summer fabrics, or dresses +of light and airy material; but if the substance of the dress be +of the richest, the lace should be in keeping with it. + +So, also, in respect to jewellery: no cheap or imitation jewellery +should be worn with an expensive dress. It is as foreign to good +taste as it would be for a man to dress his head and body in the +most fashionable of hats and coats, and his legs in white duck. +There is incongruity in the idea. + +The same incongruity applies to a taste for which our countrymen +have often been blamed--a desire for the magnificent, A woman who +puts on diamonds, real lace, and velvets in the morning at a +summer watering-place is decidedly incongruous. Far better be +dressed in a gingham, with Hamburg embroidery, and a straw hat +with a handkerchief tied round it, now so pretty and so +fashionable. She is then ready for the ocean or for the mountain +drive, the scramble or the sail. Her boots should be strong, her +gloves long and stout. She thus adapts her attire to the occasion. +In the evening she will have an opportunity for the delicate boot +and the trailing gauze or silk, or that deft combination of all +the materials known as a "Worth Costume." + +In buying a hat a woman should stand before a long Psyche glass, +and see herself from head to foot. Often a very pretty bonnet or +hat which becomes the face is absolutely dreadful in that wavy +outline which is perceptible to those who consider the effect as a +whole. All can remember how absurd a large figure looked in the +round poke hat and the delicate Fanchon bonnet, and the same +result is brought about by the round hat. A large figure should be +topped by a Gainsborough or Rubens hat, with nodding plumes. Then +the effect is excellent and the proportions are preserved. + +Nothing can be more incongruous, again, than a long, slim, +aesthetic figure with a head-gear so disproportionately large as +to suggest a Sandwich-Islander with his head-dress of mats. The +"aesthetic craze" has, however, brought in one improvement in +costume. It is the epauletted sleeve, which gives expansion to so +many figures which are, unfortunately, too narrow. All +physiologists are speculating on the growing narrowness of chest +in the Anglo-Saxon race. It is singularly apparent in America. To +remedy this, some ingenious dress-maker devised a little puff at +the top of the arm, which is most becoming. It is also well +adapted to the "cloth of gold" costume of the days of Francis I., +which modern luxury so much affects. It is a Frond sort of +costume, this nineteenth-century dress, and can well borrow some +of the festive features of the sixteenth and seventeenth +centuries, if they be not incongruous. We, like those rich nobles +and prosperous burghers, have lighted on piping times of peace; we +have found a new India of our own; our galleons come laden with +the spoils of all countries; we are rich, and we are able to wear +velvet and brocade. + +But we should be as true as they to the proprieties of dress. In +the ancient burgher days the richest citizen was not permitted to +wear velvet; he had his own picturesque collar, his dark-cloth +suit, his becoming hat. He had no idea of aping the cian, with his +long hat and feather. We are all patricians; we can wear either +the sober suit or the gay one; but do let us avoid incongruity. + +A woman, in dressing herself for an evening of festivity, should +remember that, from her ear-rings to her fan, all must suggest and +convey the idea of luxury. A wooden fan is very pretty in the +morning at a watering-place, but it will not do in the evening. +None of the modern _chƒtelaine_ arrangements, however ornamental, +are appropriate for evening use. The _chƒtelaine_ meant originally +the chain on which the lady of the house wore her keys; therefore +its early association of usefulness remains: it is not luxurious +in intention, however much modern fashion may have adorned it. + +Many a fashion has, it is true, risen from a low estate. The Order +of the Garter tells of a monarch's caprice; the shoe-buckle and +the horseshoe have crept up into the highest rank of ornaments. +But as it takes three generations to make a gentleman, so does it +take several decades to give nobility to low-born ornament. We +must not try to force things. + +A part of the growing and sad incongruity of modern dress appears +in the unavoidable awkwardness of a large number of bouquets. A +belle cannot leave the insignia of belledom at home, nor can she +be so unkind as to carry Mr. Smith's flowers and ignore Mr. +Brown's; so she appears with her arms and hands full, to the +infinite detriment of her dress and general effect. Some +arrangement might be devised whereby such trophies could be +dragged in the train of the high-priestess of fashion. + +A little reading, a little attention to the study of costume (a +beautiful study, by-the-way), would soon teach a young woman to +avoid the incongruous in dress. Some people have taste as a +natural gift: they know how to dress from a consultation with +their inner selves. Others, alas! are entirely without it. The +people who make hats and coats and dresses for us are generally +without any comprehension of the history of dress. To them the hat +of the Roundhead and that of the Cavalier have the same meaning. +To all people of taste and reading, however, they are very +different, and all artists know that the costumes which retain +their hold on the world have been preferred and have endured +because of their fitness to conditions of climate and the grace +and ease with which they were worn. + +CHAPTER XXI. +ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING. + +There is no possibility of touching upon the subject of death and +burial, and the conditions under which funerals should be +conducted, without hurting some one's feelings. The Duke of +Sutherland's attempt in England to do away with the dreadful shape +which causes a shudder to all who have lost a friend--that of the +coffin--was called irreverent, because he suggested that the dead +should be buried in wicker-work baskets, with fern-leaves for +shrouds, so that the poor clay might the more easily return to +mother earth. Those who favor cremation suffer again a still more +frantic disesteem; and yet every one deplores the present gloomy +apparatus and dismal observances of our occasions of mourning. + +Death is still to the most Christian and resigned heart a very +terrible fact, a shock to all who live, and its surroundings, do +what we will, are painful. "I smell the mould above the rose," +says Hood, in his pathetic lines on his daughter's death. +Therefore, we have a difficulty to contend with in the wearing of +black, which is of itself, to begin with, negatory of our +professed belief in the resurrection. We confess the logic of +despair when we drape ourselves in its gloomy folds. The dress +which we should wear, one would think, might be blue, the color of +the sky, or white, in token of light which the redeemed soul has +reached. + +Custom, which makes slaves of us all, has decreed that we shall +wear black, as a mark of respect to those we have lost, and as a +shroud for ourselves, protesting against the gentle ministration +of light and cheerfulness with which our Lord ever strives to +reach us. This is one side of the question; but, again, one word +as to its good offices. A mourning dress does protect a woman +while in deepest grief against the untimely gayety of a passing +stranger. It is a wall, a cell of refuge. Behind a black veil she +can hide herself as she goes out for business or recreation, +fearless of any intrusion. + +The black veil, on the other hand, is most unhealthy: it harms the +eyes and it injures the skin. As it rubs against the nose and +forehead it is almost certain to cause abrasions, and often makes +an annoying sore. To the eyes enfeebled by weeping it is sure to +be dangerous, and most oculists now forbid it. + +The English, from whom we borrow our fashion in funeral matters, +have a limitation provided by social law which is a useful thing. +They now decree that crape shall only be worn six months, even for +the nearest relative, and that the duration of mourning shall not +exceed a year. A wife's mourning for her husband is the most +conventionally deep mourning allowed, and every one who has seen +an English widow will agree that she makes a "hearse" of herself. +Bombazine and crape, a widow's cap; and a long; thick veil--such +is the modern English idea. Some widows even have the cap made of +black _crˆpe lisse_, but it is generally of white. In this country +a widow's first mourning dresses are covered almost entirely with +crape, a most costly and disagreeable material, easily ruined by +the dampness and dust--a sort of penitential and self-mortifying +dress, and very ugly and very expensive. There are now, however, +other and more agreeable fabrics which also bear the dead black, +lustreless look which is alone considered respectful to the dead, +and which are not so costly as crape, or so disagreeable to wear. +The Henrietta cloth and imperial serges are chosen for heavy +winter dresses, while for those of less weight are tamise cloth, +Bayonnaise, grenadine, nuns' veiling, and the American silk. + +Our mourning usages are not overloaded with what may be called the +pomp, pride, and circumstance of woe which characterize English +funerals. Indeed, so overdone are mourning ceremonies in +England--what with the hired mutes, the nodding plumes, the costly +coffin, and the gifts of gloves and bands and rings, etc.--that +Lady Georgiana Milnor, of Nunappleton, in York, a great friend of +the Archbishop, wrote a book against the abuse, ordered her own +body to be buried in a pine coffin, and forbade her servants and +relatives to wear mourning. Her wishes were carried out to the +letter. A black, cloth-covered casket with silver mountings is +considered in the best taste, and the pall-bearers are given at +most a white scarf and a pair of black gloves. Even this is not +always done. At one time the traffic in these returned bands and +gloves was quite a fortune to the undertaker. Mourning is very +expensive, and often costs a family more than they can well +afford; but it is a sacrifice that even the poorest gladly make, +and those who can least afford it often wear the best mourning, so +tyrannical is custom. They consider it--by what process of +reasoning no one can understand, unless it be out of a hereditary +belief that we hold in the heathen idea of propitiating the manes +of the departed--an act of disrespect to the memory of the dead if +the living are not clad in gloomy black. + +However, our business is with the etiquette of mourning. Widows +wear deep mourning, consisting of woollen stuffs and crape, for +about two years, and sometimes for life, in America. Children wear +the same for parents for one year, and then lighten it with black +silk, trimmed with crape. Half-mourning gradations of gray, +purple, or lilac have been abandoned, and, instead, combinations +of black and white are used. Complimentary mourning is black silk +without crape. The French have three grades of mourning--deep, +ordinary, and half mourning. In deep mourning, woollen cloths only +are worn; in ordinary mourning, silk and woollen; in half +mourning, gray and violet. An American lady is always shocked at +the gayety and cheerfulness of French mourning. In France, +etiquette prescribes mourning for a husband for one year and six +weeks--that is, six months of deep mourning, six of ordinary, and +six weeks of half mourning. For a wife, a father, or a mother, six +months--three deep and three half mourning; for a grandparent, two +months and a half of slight mourning; for a brother or a sister, +two months, one of which is in deep mourning; for an uncle or an +aunt, three weeks of ordinary black. In America, with no fixity of +rule, ladies have been known to go into deepest mourning for their +own relatives or those of their husbands, or for people, perhaps, +whom they have never seen, and have remained as gloomy monuments +of bereavement for seven or ten years, constantly in black; then, +on losing a child or a relative dearly loved, they have no +extremity of dress left to express the real grief which fills +their lives--no deeper black to go into. This complimentary +mourning should be, as in the French custom, limited to two or +three weeks. The health of a delicate child has been known to be +seriously affected by the constant spectacle of his mother in deep +mourning. + +The period of a mourner's retirement from the world has been very +much shortened of late. For one year no formal visiting is +undertaken, nor is there any gayety in the house. Black is often +worn for a husband or wife two years, for parents one year, and +for brothers and sisters one year; a heavy black is lightened +after that period. Ladies are beginning to wear a small black +gauze veil over the face, and are in the habit of throwing the +heavy crape veil back over the hat. It is also proper to wear a +quiet black dress when going to a funeral, although this is not +absolutely necessary. + +Friends should call on the bereaved family within a month, not +expecting, of course, to see them. Kind notes expressing sympathy +are most welcome to the afflicted from intimate friends, and gifts +of flowers, or any testimonial of sympathy, are thoughtful and +appropriate. Cards and note-paper are now put into mourning by +those who desire to express conventionally their regret for the +dead; but very broad borders of black look like ostentation, and +are in undoubted bad taste. No doubt all these things are proper +enough in their way, but a narrow border of black tells the story +of loss as well as an inch of coal-black gloom. The fashion of +wearing handkerchiefs which are made with a two-inch square of +white cambric and a four-inch border of black may well be +deprecated. A gay young widow at Washington was once seen dancing +at a reception, a few months after the death of her soldier +husband, with a long black veil on, and holding in her +black-gloved hand one of these handkerchiefs, which looked as if +it had been dipped in ink. "She should have dipped it in blood," +said a by-stander. Under such circumstances we learn how much +significance is to be attached to the grief expressed by a +mourning veil. + +The mourning which soldiers, sailors, and courtiers wear has +something pathetic and effective about it. A flag draped with +crape, a gray cadet-sleeve with a black band, or a long piece of +crape about the left arm of a senator, a black weed on a hat, +these always touch us. They would even appear to suggest that the +lighter the black, the more fully the feeling of the heart is +expressed. If we love our dead, there is no danger that we shall +forget them. "The customary suit of solemn black" is not needed +when we can wear it in our hearts. + +For lighter mourning jet is used on silk, and there is no doubt +that it makes a very handsome dress. It is a singular fact that +there is a certain comfort to some people in wearing very handsome +black. Worth, on being asked to dress an American widow whom he +had never seen, sent for her photograph, for he said that he +wished to see "whether she was the sort of woman who would relish +a becoming black." + +Very elegant dresses are made with jet embroidery on crape--the +beautiful soft French crape--but lace is never "mourning." Even +the French, who have very light ideas on the subject, do not trim +the most ornamental dresses with lace during the period of even +second mourning, except when they put the woolen yak lace on a +cloth cloak or mantilla. During a very dressy half mourning, +however, black lace may be worn on white silk; but this is +questionable. Diamond ornaments set in black enamel are allowed +even in the deepest mourning, and also pearls set in black. The +initials of the deceased, in black brilliants or pearls, are now +set in lockets and sleeve-buttons, or pins. Gold ornaments are +never worn in mourning. + +White silk, embroidered with black jet, is used in the second +stage of court mourning, with black gloves. Deep red is deemed in +England a proper alternative for mourning black, if the wearer be +called upon to go to a wedding during the period of the first +year's mourning. At St. George's, Hanover Square, therefore, one +may often see a widow assisting at the wedding of a daughter or a +son, and dressed in a superb red brocade or velvet, which, +directly the wedding is over, she will discard for her solemn +black. + +The question of black gloves is one which troubles all who are +obliged to wear mourning through the heat of summer. The black kid +glove is painfully warm and smutty, disfiguring the hand and +soiling the handkerchief and face. The Swedish kid glove is now +much more in vogue, and the silk glove is made with such neatness +and with such a number of buttons that it is equally stylish, and +much cooler and more agreeable. + +Mourning bonnets are worn rather larger than ordinary bonnets. In +England they are still made of the old-fashioned cottage shape, +and are very useful in carrying the heavy veil and in shading the +face. The Queen has always worn this style of bonnet. Her widow's +cap has never been laid aside, and with her long veil of white +falling down her back when she appears at court, it makes the most +becoming dress that she has ever worn. For such a grief as hers +there is something appropriate and dignified in her adherence to +the mourning-dress. It fully expresses her sad isolation: for a +queen can have no near friends. The whole English nation has +sympathized with her grief, and commended her black dress. Nor can +we criticise the grief which causes a mother to wear mourning for +her children. If it be any comfort to her to wrap herself in +crape, she ought to do so. The world has no right to quarrel with +those who prefer to put ashes on their heads. + +But for the mockery, the conventional absurdities, and the +affectations which so readily lend themselves to caricature in the +name of mourning, no condemnation can be too strong. There is a +ghoul-like ghastliness in talking about "ornamental," or +"becoming," or "complimentary" mourning. People of sense, of +course, manage to dress without going to extremities in either +direction. We see many a pale-faced mourner whose quiet +mourning-dress tells the story of bereavement without giving us +the painful feeling that crape is too thick, or bombazine too +heavy, for comfort. Exaggeration is to be deprecated in mourning +as in everything. + +The discarding of mourning should be effected by gradations. It +shocks persons of good taste to see a light-hearted young widow +jump into colors, as if she had been counting the hours. If black +is to be dispensed with, let its retirement be slowly and +gracefully marked by quiet costumes, as the feeling of grief, +yielding to the kindly influence of time, is shaded off into +resignation and cheerfulness. We do not forget our dead, but we +mourn for them with a feeling which no longer partakes of anguish. + +Before a funeral the ladies of a family see no one but the most +intimate friends. The gentlemen, of course, must see the clergyman +and officials who manage the ceremony. It is now the almost +universal practice to carry the remains to a church, where the +friends of the family can pay the last tribute of respect without +crowding into a private house. Pallbearers are invited by note, +and assemble at the house of the deceased, accompanying the +remains, after the ceremonies at the church, to their final +resting-place. The nearest lady friends seldom go to the church or +to the grave. This is, however, entirely a matter of feeling, and +they can go if they wish. After the funeral only the members of +the family return to the house, and it is not expected that a +bereaved wife or mother will see any one other than the members of +her family for several weeks. + +The preparations for a funeral in the house are committed to the +care of an undertaker, who removes the furniture from the +drawing-room, filling all the space possible with camp-stools. The +clergyman reads the service at the head of the coffin, the +relatives being grouped around. The body, if not disfigured by +disease, is often dressed in the clothes worn in life, and laid in +an open casket, as if reposing on a sofa, and all friends are +asked to take a last look. It is, however, a somewhat ghastly +proceeding to try to make the dead look like the living. The body +of a man is usually dressed in black. A young boy is laid out in +his every-day clothes, but surely the young of both sexes look +more fitly clad in the white cashmere robe. + +The custom of decorating the coffin with flowers is a beautiful +one, but has been, in large cities, so overdone, and so purely a +matter of money, that now the request is generally made that no +flowers be sent. + +In England a lady of the court wears, for her parent, crape and +bombazine (or its equivalent in any lustreless cloth) for three +months. She goes nowhere during that period. After that she wears +lustreless silks, trimmed with crape and jet, and goes to court if +commanded. She can also go to concerts without violating +etiquette, or to family weddings. After six months she again +reduces her mourning to black and white, and can attend the +"drawing-room" or go to small dinners. For a husband the time is +exactly doubled, but in neither case should the widow be seen at a +ball, a theatre, or an opera until after one year has elapsed. + +In this country no person in mourning for a parent, a child, a +brother, or a husband, is expected to be seen at a concert, a +dinner, a party, or at any other place of public amusement, before +three months have passed, After that one may be seen at a concert. +But to go to the opera, or a dinner, or a party, before six months +have elapsed, is considered heartless and disrespectful. Indeed, a +deep mourning-dress at such a place is an unpleasant anomaly. If +one choose, as many do, not to wear mourning, then they can go +unchallenged to any place of amusement, for they have asserted +their right to be independent; but if they put on mourning they +must respect its etiquette, By many who sorrow deeply, and who +regard the crape and solemn dress as a mark of respect to the +dead, it is deemed almost a sin for a woman to go into the street, +to drive, or to walk, for two years, without a deep crape veil +over her face. It is a common remark of the censorious that a +person who lightens her mourning before that time "did not care +much for the deceased;" and many people hold the fact that a widow +or an orphan wears her crape for two years to be greatly to her +credit. + +Of course, no one can say that a woman should not wear mourning +all her life if she choose, but it is a serious question whether +in so doing she does not injure the welfare and happiness of the +living. Children, as we have said, are often strangely affected by +this shrouding of their mothers, and men always dislike it. + +Common-sense and common decency, however, should restrain the +frivolous from engaging much in the amusements and gayeties of +life before six months have passed after the death of any near +friend. If they pretend to wear black at all, they cannot be too +scrupulous in respecting the restraint which it imposes. + +CHAPTER XXII. +MOURNING AND FUNERAL USAGES. + +Nothing in our country is more undecided in the public mind than +the etiquette of mourning. It has not yet received that hereditary +and positive character which makes the slightest departure from +received custom so reprehensible in England. We have not the +mutes, or the nodding feathers of the hearse, that still form part +of the English funeral equipage; nor is the rank of the poor clay +which travels to its last home illustrated by the pomp and +ceremony of its departure. Still, in answer to some pertinent +questions, we will offer a few desultory remarks, beginning with +the end, as it were--the return of the mourner to the world. + +When persons who have been in mourning wish to re-enter society, +they should leave cards on all their friends and acquaintances, as +an intimation that they are equal to the paying and receiving of +calls. Until this intimation is given, society will not venture to +intrude upon the mourner's privacy. In eases where cards of +inquiry have been left, with the words "To inquire" written on the +top of the card, these cards should be replied to by cards with +"Thanks for kind inquiries" written upon them; but if cards for +inquiry had not been left, this form can be omitted. + +Of course there is a kind of complimentary mourning which does not +necessitate seclusion--that which is worn out of respect to a +husband's relative whom one may never have seen. But no one +wearing a heavy crape veil should go to a gay reception, a +wedding, or a theatre; the thing is incongruous. Still less should +mourning prevent one from taking proper recreation: the more the +heart aches, the more should one try to gain cheerfulness and +composure, to hear music, to see faces which one loves: this is a +duty, not merely a wise and sensible rule. Yet it is well to have +some established customs as to visiting and dress in order that +the gay and the heartless may in observing them avoid that which +shocks every one--an appearance of lack of respect to the memory +of the dead--that all society may move on in decency and order, +which is the object and end of the study of etiquette. + +A heartless wife who, instead of being grieved at the death of her +husband, is rejoiced at it, should be taught that society will not +respect her unless she pays to the memory of the man whose name +she bears that "homage which vice pays to virtue," a commendable +respect to the usages of society in the matter of mourning and of +retirement from the world. Mourning garments have this use, that +they are a shield to the real mourner, and they are often a +curtain of respectability to the person who should be a mourner +but is not. We shall therefore borrow from the best English and +American authorities what we believe to be the most recent usages +in the etiquette of mourning. + +As for periods of mourning, we are told that a widow's mourning +should last eighteen months, although in England it is somewhat +lightened in twelve. For the first six months the dress should be +of crape cloth, or Henrietta cloth covered entirely with crape, +collar and cuffs of white crape, a crape bonnet with a long crape +veil, and a widow's cap of white crape if preferred. In America, +however, widows' caps are not as universally worn as in England. +Dull black kid gloves are worn in first mourning; after that +_gants de Suede_ or silk gloves are proper, particularly in +summer. After six months' mourning the crape can be removed, and +grenadine, copeau fringe, and dead trimmings used, if the smell of +crape is offensive, as it is to some people. After twelve months +the widow's cap is left off, and the heavy veil is exchanged for a +lighter one, and the dress can be of silk grenadine, plain black +gros-grain, or crape-trimmed cashmere with jet trimmings, and +crˆpe lisse about the neck and sleeves. + +All kinds of black fur and seal-skin are worn in deep mourning. + +Mourning for a father or mother should last one year. During half +a year should be worn Henrietta cloth or serge trimmed with crape, +at first with black tulle at the wrists and neck. A deep veil is +worn at the back of the bonnet, but not over the head or face like +the widow's veil, which covers the entire person when down. This +fashion is very much objected to by doctors, who think many +diseases of the eye come by this means, and advise for common use +thin nun's-veiling instead of crape, which sheds its pernicious +dye into the sensitive nostrils, producing catarrhal disease as +well as blindness and cataract of the eye. It is a thousand pities +that fashion dictates the crape veil, but so it is. It is the very +banner of woe, and no one has the courage to go without it. We can +only suggest to mourners wearing it that they should pin a small +veil of black tulle over the eyes and nose, and throw back the +heavy crape as often as possible, for health's sake. + +Jet ornaments alone should be worn for eighteen months, unless +diamonds set as mementoes are used. For half-mourning, a bonnet of +silk or chip, trimmed with crape and ribbon. Mourning flowers, and +crˆpe lisse at the hands and wrists, lead the way to gray, mauve, +and white-and-black toilettes after the second year. + +Mourning for a brother or sister may be the same; for a stepfather +or stepmother the same; for grandparents the same; but the +duration may be shorter. In England this sort of respectful +mourning only lasts three months. + +Mourning for children should last nine months, The first three the +dress should be crape-trimmed, the mourning less deep than that +for a husband. No one is ever ready to take off mourning; +therefore these rules have this advantage--they enable the friends +around a grief-stricken mother to tell her when is the time to +make her dress more cheerful, which she is bound to do for the +sake of the survivors, many of whom are perhaps affected for life +by seeing a mother always in black. It is well for mothers to +remember this when sorrow for a lost child makes all the earth +seem barren to them. + +We are often asked whether letters of condolence should be written +on black-edged paper. Decidedly not, unless the writer is in +black. The telegraph now flashes messages of respect and sympathy +across sea and land like a voice from the heart. Perhaps it is +better than any other word of sympathy, although all who can +should write to a bereaved person. There is no formula possible +for these letters; they must be left to the individual's good +taste, and perhaps the simplest and least conventional are the +best. A card with a few words pencilled on it has often been the +best letter of condolence. + +In France a long and deeply edged mourning letter or address, +called a _faire part_, is sent to every one known to the family to +advise them of a death. In this country that is not done, although +some mention of the deceased is generally sent to friends in +Europe who would not otherwise hear of the death. + +Wives wear mourning for the relatives of their husbands precisely +as they would for their own, as would husbands for the relatives +of their wives. Widowers wear mourning for their wives two years +in England; here only one year. Widowers go into society at a much +earlier date than widows, it being a received rule that all +gentlemen in mourning for relatives go into society very much +sooner than ladies. + +Ladies of the family attend the funeral of a relative if they are +able to do so, and wear their deepest mourning. Servants are +usually put in mourning for the head of the family--sometimes for +any member of it. They should wear a plain black livery and weeds +on their hats; the inside lining of the family carriage should +also be of black. + +The period of mourning for an aunt or uncle or cousin is of three +months' duration, and that time at least should elapse before the +family go out or into gay company, or are seen at theatres or +operas, etc. + +We now come to the saddest part of our subject, the consideration +of the dead body, so dear, yet so soon to leave us; so familiar, +yet so far away--the cast-off dress, the beloved clay. Dust to +dust, ashes to ashes! + +As for the coffin, it is simpler than formerly; and, while lined +with satin and made with care, it is plain on the outside--black +cloth, with silver plate for the name, and silver handles, being +in the most modern taste. There are but few of the "trappings of +woe." At the funeral of General Grant, twice a President, and +regarded as the saviour of his country, there was a gorgeous +catafalque of purple velvet, but at the ordinary funeral there are +none of these trappings. If our richest citizen were to die +to-morrow, he would probably be buried plainly. Yet it is touching +to see with what fidelity the poorest creature tries to "bury her +dead dacent." The destitute Irish woman begs for a few dollars for +this sacred duty, and seldom in vain. It is a duty for the rich to +put down ostentation in funerals, for it is an expense which comes +heavily on those who have poverty added to grief. + +In dressing the remains for the grave, those of a man are usually +"clad in his habit as he lived." For a woman, tastes differ: a +white robe and cap, not necessarily shroudlike, are decidedly +unexceptionable. For young persons and children white cashmere +robes and flowers are always most appropriate. + +The late cardinal, whose splendid obsequies and whose regal "lying +in state" were in keeping with his high rank and the gorgeous +ceremonial of his Church, was strongly opposed to the profuse use +of flowers at funerals, and requested that none be sent to deck +his lifeless clay. He was a modest and humble man, and always on +the right side in these things; therefore let his advice prevail. +A few flowers placed in the dead hand, perhaps a simple wreath, +but not those unmeaning memorials which have become to real +mourners such sad perversities of good taste, such a misuse of +flowers. Let those who can afford to send such things devote the +money to the use of poor mothers who cannot afford to buy a coffin +for a dead child or a coat for a living one. + +In the course of a month after a death all friends of the deceased +are expected to leave cards on the survivors, and it is +discretionary whether these be written on or not. These cards +should be carefully preserved, that, when the mourner is ready to +return to the world, they may be properly acknowledged. + +CHAPTER XXIII. +LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE. + +Probably no branch of the epistolary art has ever given to +friendly hearts so much perplexity as that which has to do with +writing to friends in affliction. It is delightful to sit down and +wish anybody joy; to overflow with congratulatory phrases over a +favorable bit of news; to say how glad you are that your friend is +engaged or married, or has inherited a fortune, has written a +successful book, or has painted an immortal picture. Joy opens the +closet of language, and the gems of expression are easily found; +but the fountain of feeling being chilled by the uncongenial +atmosphere of grief, by the sudden horror of death, or the more +terrible breath of dishonor or shame, or even by the cold blast of +undeserved misfortune, leaves the individual sympathizer in a mood +of perplexity and of sadness which is of itself a most +discouraging frame of mind for the inditing of a letter. + +And yet we sympathize with our friend: we desire to tell him so. +We want to say, "My friend, your grief is my grief; nothing can +hurt you that does not hurt me. I cannot, of course, enter into +all your feelings, but to stand by and see you hurt, and remain +unmoved myself, is impossible." All this we wish to say; but how +shall we say it that our words may not hurt him a great deal more +than he is hurt already? How shall we lay our hand so tenderly on +that sore spot that we may not inflict a fresh wound? How can we +say to a mother who bends over a fresh grave, that we regret the +loss she has sustained in the death of her child? Can language +measure the depth, the height, the immensity, the bitterness of +that grief? What shall we say that is not trite and +commonplace--even unfeeling? Shall we be pagan, and say that "whom +the gods love die young," or Christian, and remark that "God does +not willingly afflict the children of men?" She has thought of +that, she has heard it, alas! often before--but too often, as she +thinks now. + +Shall we tell her what she has lost--how good, how loving, how +brave, how admirable was the spirit which has just left the flesh? +Alas! how well she knows that! How her tears well up as she +remembers the silent fortitude, the heroic patience under the pain +that was to kill! Shall we quote ancient philosophers and modern +poets? They have all dwelt at greater or less length upon death +and the grave. Or shall we say, in simple and unpremeditated +words, the thoughts which fill our own minds? + +The person who has to write this letter may be a ready writer, who +finds fit expression at the point of his pen, and who overflows +with the language of consolation--such a one needs no advice; but +to the hundreds who do need help we would say that the simplest +expressions are the best. A distant friend, upon one of these +occasions, wrote a letter as brief as brief might be, but of its +kind altogether perfect. It ran thus: "I have heard of your great +grief, and I send you a simple pressure of the hand." Coming from +a gay and volatile person, it had for the mourner great +consolation; pious quotations, and even the commonplaces of +condolence, would have seemed forced. Undoubtedly those persons do +us great good, or they wish to, who tell us to be resigned--that +we have deserved this affliction; that we suffer now, but that our +present sufferings are nothing to what our future sufferings shall +be; that we are only entering the portals of agony, and that every +day will reveal to us the magnitude of our loss. Such is the +formula which certain persons use, under the title of "letters of +condolence." It is the wine mixed with gall which they gave our +Lord to drink; and as He refused it, so may we. There are, no +doubt, persons of a gloomy and a religious temperament combined +who delight in such phrases; who quote the least consolatory of +the texts of Scripture; who roll our grief as a sweet morsel under +their tongues; who really envy the position of chief mourner as +one of great dignity and considerable consequence; who consider +crape and bombazine as a sort of royal mantle conferring +distinction. There are many such people in the world. Dickens and +Anthony Trollope have put them into novels--solemn and ridiculous +Malvolios; they exist in nature, in literature, and in art. It +adds a new terror to death when we reflect that such persons will +not fail to make it the occasion of letter-writing. + +But those who write to us strongly and cheerfully, who do not +dwell so much on our grief as on our remaining duties--they are +the people who help us. To advise a mourner to go out into the +sun, to resume his work, to help the poor, and, above all, to +carry on the efforts, to emulate the virtues of the deceased--this +is comfort. It is a very dear and consoling thing to a bereaved +friend to hear the excellence of the departed extolled, to read +and re-read all of the precious testimony which is borne by +outsiders to the saintly life ended--and there are few so +hard-hearted as not to find something good to say of the dead: it +is the impulse of human nature; it underlies all our philosophy +and our religion; it is the "stretching out of a hand," and it +comforts the afflicted. But what shall we say to those on whom +disgrace has laid its heavy, defiling hand? Is it well to write to +them at all? Shall we not be mistaken for those who prowl like +jackals round a grave, and will not our motives be misunderstood? +Is not sympathy sometimes malice in disguise? Does not the phrase +"I am so sorry for you!" sometimes sound like "I am so glad for +myself?" Undoubtedly it does; but a sincere friend should not be +restrained, through fear that his motive may be mistaken, from +saying that he wishes to bear some part of the burden. Let him +show that the unhappy man is in his thoughts, that he would like +to help, that he would be glad to see him, or take him out, or +send him a book, or at least write him a letter. Such a wish as +this will hurt no one. + +Philosophy--some quaint and dry bit of old Seneca, or modern +Rochefoucauld--has often helped a struggling heart when disgrace, +deserved or undeserved, has placed the soul in gyves of iron. +Sympathetic persons, of narrow minds and imperfect education, +often have the gift of being able to say most consolatory things. +Irish servants, for instance, rarely hurt the feelings of a +mourner. They burst out in the language of Nature, and, if it is +sometimes grotesque, it is almost always comforting. It is the +educated and conscientious person who finds the writing of a +letter of condolence difficult. + +Perhaps much of our dread of death is the result of a false +education, and the wearing of black may after all be a mistake. At +the moment when we need bright colors, fresh flowers, sunshine, +and beauty, we hide ourselves behind crape veils and make our +garments heavy with ashes; but as it is conventional it is in one +way a protection, and is therefore proper. No one feels like +varying the expressions of a grief which has the Anglo-Saxon +seriousness in it, the Scandinavian melancholy of a people from +whom Nature hides herself behind a curtain of night. To the sunny +and graceful Greek the road of the dead was the Via Felice; it was +the happy way, the gate of flowers; the tombs were furnished as +the houses were, with images of the beloved, and the veriest +trifles which the deceased had loved. One wonders, as the tomb of +a child is opened on the road out of Tanagra, near Athens, and the +toys and hobby-horse and little shoes are found therein, if, after +all, that father and mother were not wiser than we who, like +Constance, "stuff out his vacant garments with his form." Is there +not something quite unenlightened in the persistence with which we +connect death with gloom? + +Our correspondents often ask us when a letter of condolence should +be written? As soon as possible. Do not be afraid to intrude on +any grief, It is generally a welcome distraction; to even the most +morbid mourner, to read a letter; and those who are So stunned by +grief as not to be able to write or to read will always have some +willing soul near them who will read and answer for them. + +The afflicted, however, should never be expected to answer +letters, They can and should receive the kindest and the most +prompt that their friends can indite, Often a phrase on which the +writer has built no hope may be the airy-bridge over which the +sorrowing soul returns slowly and blindly to peace and +resignation. Who would miss the chance, be it one in ten thousand, +of building such a bridge? Those who have suffered and been +strong, those whom we love and respect, those who have the honest +faith in human nature which enables them to read aright the riddle +of this strange world, those who by faith walk over burning +ploughshares and dread no evil, those are the people who write the +best letters of condolence. They do not dwell on our grief, or +exaggerate it, although they are evidently writing to us with a +lump in the throat and a tear in the eye--they do not say so, but +we feel it. They tell us of the certain influence of time, which +will change our present grief into our future joy. They say a few +beautiful words of the friend whom we have lost, recount their own +loss in him in a few fitting words of earnest sympathy which may +carry consolation, if only by the wish of the writer. They beg of +us to be patient. God has brought life and immortality to light +through death, and to those whom "he has thought worthy to +endure," this thought may ever form the basis of a letter of +condolence. + +"Give me," said the dying Herder, "a great thought, that I may +console myself with that." It is a present of no mean value, a +great thought; and if every letter of condolence could bear with +it one broad phrase of honest sympathy it would be a blessed +instrumentality for carrying patience and resignation, peace and +comfort, into those dark places where the sufferer is eating his +heart out with grief, or where Rachel "weeps for her children, and +will not be comforted, because they are not." + +CHAPTER XXIV. +CHAPERONS AND THEIR DUTIES. + +It is strange that the Americans, so prone to imitate British +customs, have been slow to adopt that law of English society which +pronounces a chaperon an indispensable adjunct of every unmarried +young woman. + +The readers of "Little Dorrit" will recall the exceedingly witty +sketch of Mrs. General, who taught her young ladies to form their +mouths into a lady-like pattern by saying "papa, potatoes, prunes, +and prism." Dickens knew very little of society, and cared very +little for its laws, and his ladies and gentlemen were pronounced +in England to be as great failures as his Little Nells and Dick +Swivellers were successes; but he recognized the universality of +chaperons. His portrait of Mrs. General (the first luxury which +Mr. Dorrit allowed himself after inheriting his fortune) shows how +universal is the necessity of a chaperon in English society, and +on the Continent, to the proper introduction of young ladies, and +how entirely their "style" depends upon their chaperon. Of course +Dickens made her funny, of course he made her ridiculous, but he +put her there. An American novelist would not have thought it +worth mentioning, nor would an American papa with two motherless +daughters have thought it necessary, if he travelled with them, to +have a chaperon for his daughters. + +Of course, a mother is the natural chaperon of her daughters, and +if she understand her duties and the usages of society there is +nothing further to be said. But the trouble is that many American +mothers are exceedingly careless on this point. We need not point +to the wonderful Mrs. Miller--Daisy's mother--in Henry James, +Jr.'s, photograph of a large class of American matrons--a woman +who loved her daughter, knew how to take care of her when she was +ill, but did not know in the least how to take care of her when +she was well; who allowed her to go about with young men alone, to +"get engaged," if so she pleased, and who, arriving at a party +after her daughter had appeared, rather apologized for coming at +all. All this is notoriously true, and comes of our crude +civilization. It is the transition state. Until we learn better, +we must expect to be laughed at on the Pincian Hill, and we must +expect English novelists to paint pictures of us which we resent, +and French dramatists to write plays in which we see ourselves +held up as savages. + +Europeans have been in the habit of taking care of young girls, as +if they were the precious porcelain of human clay. The American +mamma treats her beautiful daughter as if she were a very common +piece of delft indeed, and as if she could drift down the stream +of life, knocking all other vessels to pieces, but escaping injury +to herself. + +Owing to the very remarkable and strong sense of propriety which +American women innately possess--their truly healthy love of +virtue, the absence of any morbid suspicion of wrong--this rule +has worked better than any one would have dared hope. Owing, also, +to the exceptionally respectful and chivalrous nature of American +men, it has been possible for a young lady to travel unattended +from Maine to Georgia, or anywhere within the new geographical +limits of our social growth. Mr. Howells founded a romance upon +this principle, that American women do not need a chaperon. Yet we +must remember that all the black sheep are not killed yet, and we +must also remember that propriety must be more attended to as we +cease to be a young and primitive nation, and as we enter the +lists of the rich, cultivated, luxurious people of the earth. + +Little as we may care for the opinion of foreigners we do not wish +our young ladies to appear in their eyes in a false attitude, and +one of the first necessities of a proper attitude, one of the +first demands of a polished society, is the presence of a +chaperon. She should be a lady old enough to be the mother of her +charge, and of unexceptionable manner. She must know society +thoroughly herself, and respect its laws. She should be above the +suspicion of reproach in character, and devoted to her work. In +England there are hundreds of widows of half-pay +officers--well-born, well-trained, well-educated women--who can be +hired for money, as was Mrs. General, to play this part. There is +no such class in America, but there is almost always a lady who +will gladly perform the task of chaperoning motherless girls +without remuneration. + +It is not considered proper in England for a widowed father to +place an unmarried daughter at the head of his house without the +companionship of a resident chaperon, and there are grave +objections to its being done here. We have all known instances +where such liberty has been very bad for young girls, and where it +has led to great scandals which the presence of a chaperon would +have averted. + +The duties of a chaperon are very hard and unremitting, and +sometimes very disagreeable. She must accompany her young lady +everywhere; she must sit in the parlor when she receives +gentlemen; she must go with her to the skating-rink, the ball, the +party, the races, the dinners, and especially to theatre parties; +she must preside at the table, and act the part of a mother, so +far as she can; she must watch the characters of the men who +approach her charge, and endeavor to save the inexperienced girl +from the dangers of a bad marriage, if possible. To perform this +feat, and not to degenerate into a Spanish duenna, a dragon, or a +Mrs. General--who was simply a fool--is a very difficult task. + +No doubt a vivacious American girl, with all her inherited hatred +of authority, is a troublesome charge. All young people are +rebels. They dislike being watched and guarded. They have no idea +what Hesperidean fruit they are, and they object to the dragon +decidedly. + +But a wise, well-tempered woman can manage the situation. If she +have tact, a chaperon will add very much to the happiness of her +young charge. She will see that the proper men are introduced; +that her young lady is provided with a partner for the german; +that she is asked to nice places; that she goes well dressed and +properly accompanied; that she gives the return ball herself in +handsome style. + +"I owe," said a wealthy widower in New York, whose daughters all +made remarkably happy marriages--"I owe all their happiness to +Mrs. Constant, whom I was so fortunate as to secure as their +chaperon. She knew society (which I did not), as if it were in her +pocket. She knew exactly what girls ought to do, and she was so +agreeable herself that they never disliked having her with them. +She was very rigid, too, and would not let them stay late at +balls; but they loved and respected her so much that they never +rebelled, and now they love her as if she were really their +mother." + +A woman of elegant manners and of charming character, who will +submit to the slavery--for it is little less--of being a chaperon, +is hard to find; yet every motherless family should try to secure +such a person. In travelling in Europe, an accomplished chaperon +can do more for young girls than any amount of fortune. She has +the thing they want--that is, knowledge. With her they can go +everywhere--to picture-galleries, theatres, public and private +balls, and into society, if they wish it. It is "etiquette" to +have a chaperon, and it is the greatest violation of it not to +have one. + +If a woman is protected by the armor of work, she can dispense +with a chaperon. The young artist goes about her copying +unquestioned, but in society, with its different laws, she must be +under the care of an older woman than herself. + +A chaperon is indispensable to an engaged girl. The mother, or +some lady friend, should always accompany a young _fianc‚e_ on her +journeys to the various places of amusement and to the +watering-places. + +Nothing is more vulgar in the eyes of our modern society than for +an engaged couple to travel together or to go to the theatre +unaccompanied, as was the primitive custom. This will, we know, +shock many Americans, and be called a "foolish following of +foreign fashions." But it is true; and, if it were only for the +"looks of the thing," it is more decent, more elegant, and more +correct for the young couple to be accompanied by a chaperon until +married. Society allows an engaged girl to drive with her _fianc‚_ +in an open carriage, but it does not approve of his taking her in +a close carriage to an evening party. + +There are non-resident chaperons who are most popular and most +useful. Thus, one mamma or elderly lady may chaperon a number of +young ladies to a dinner, or a drive on a coach, a sail down the +bay, or a ball at West Point. This lady looks after all her young +charges, and attends to their propriety and their happiness. She +is the guardian angel, for the moment, of their conduct. It is a +care which young men always admire and respect--this of a kind, +well-bred chaperon, who does not allow the youthful spirits of her +charges to run away with them. + +The chaperon, if an intelligent woman, and with the sort of social +talent which a chaperon ought to have, is the best friend of a +family of shy girls. She brings them forward, and places them in a +position in which they can enjoy society; for there is a great +deal of tact required in a large city to make a retiring girl +enjoy herself. Society demands a certain amount of handling, which +only the social expert understands. To this the chaperon should be +equal. There are some women who have a social talent which is +simply Napoleonic. They manage it as a great general does his +_corps de bataille_. + +Again, there are bad chaperons. A flirtatious married woman who is +thinking of herself only, and who takes young girls about merely +to enable herself to lead a gay life (and the world is full of +such women), is worse than no chaperon at all. She is not a +protection to the young lady, and she disgusts the honorable men +who would like to approach her charge. A very young chaperon, bent +on pleasure, who undertakes to make respectable the coaching +party, but who has no dignity of character to impress upon it, is +a very poor one. Many of the most flagrant violations of +propriety, in what is called the fashionable set, have arisen from +this choice of young chaperons, which is a mere begging of the +question, and no chaperonage at all. + +Too much champagne is drunk, too late hours are kept, silly +stories are circulated, and appearances are disregarded by these +gay girls and their young chaperons; and yet they dislike very +much to see themselves afterwards held up to ridicule in the pages +of a magazine by an Englishman, whose every sentiment of +propriety, both educated and innate, has been shocked by their +conduct. + +A young Frenchman who visited America a few years ago formed the +worst judgment of American women because he met one alone at an +artist's studio. He misinterpreted the profoundly sacred and +corrective influences of art. It had not occurred to the lady that +if she went to see a picture she would be suspected of wishing to +see the artist. Still, the fact that such a mistake could be made +should render ladies careful of even the appearance of evil. + +A chaperon should in her turn remember that she must not open a +letter, She must not exercise an unwise surveillance. She must not +_suspect_ her charge. All that sort of Spanish _espionage_ is +always outwitted. The most successful chaperons are those who love +their young charges, respect them, try to be in every way what the +mother would have been. Of course, all relations of this sort are +open to many drawbacks on both sides, but it is not impossible +that it may be an agreeable relation, if both parties exercise a +little tact. + +In selecting a chaperon for a young charge, let parents or +guardians be very particular as to the past history of the lady. +If she has ever been talked about, ever suffered the bad +reputation of flirt or coquette, do not think of placing her in +that position. Clubs have long memories, and the fate of more than +one young heiress has been imperilled by an injudicious choice of +a chaperon. If any woman should have a spotless record and +admirable character it should be the chaperon. It will tell +against her charge if she have not. Certain needy women who have +been ladies, and who precariously attach to society through their +families, are always seeking for some young heiress. These women +are very poor chaperons, and should be avoided. + +This business of chaperonage is a point which demands attention on +the part of careless American mothers. No mother should be +oblivious of her duty in this respect. It does not imply that she +doubts her daughter's honor or truth, or that she thinks she needs +watching, but it is proper and respectable and necessary that she +should appear by her daughter's side in society. The world is full +of traps. It is impossible to be too careful of the reputation of +a young lady, and it improves the tone of society vastly if an +elegant and respectable woman of middle age accompanies every +young party. It goes far to silence the ceaseless clatter of +gossip; it is the antidote to scandal; it makes the air clearer; +and, above all, it improves the character, the manners, and +elevates the minds of the young people who are so happy as to +enjoy the society and to feel the authority of a cultivated, wise, +and good chaperon. + +CHAPTER XXV. +ETIQUETTE FOR ELDERLY GIRLS. + +A brisk correspondent writes to us that she finds our restrictions +as to the etiquette which single women should follow somewhat +embarrassing. Being now thirty-five, and at the head of her +father's house, with no intention of ever marrying, she asks if +she requires a chaperon; if it is necessary that she should +observe the severe self-denial of not entering an artist's studio +without a guardian angel; if she must never allow a gentleman to +pay for her theatre tickets; if she must, in short, assume a +matron's place in the world, and never enjoy a matron's freedom. + +From her letter we can but believe that this young lady of +thirty-five is a very attractive person, and that she does "not +look her age." Still, as she is at the head of her father's house, +etiquette does yield a point and allows her to judge for herself +as to the proprieties which must bend to her. Of course with every +year of a woman's life after twenty-five she becomes less and less +the subject of chaperonage. For one thing, she is better able to +judge of the world and its temptations; in the second place, a +certain air which may not be less winning, but which is certainly +more mature, has replaced the wild grace of a giddy girlhood. She +has, with the assumption of years, taken on a dignity which, in +its way, is fully the compensation for some lost bloom. Many +people prefer it. + +But we must say here that she is not yet, in European opinion, +emancipated from that guardianship which society dispenses with +for the youngest widow. She must have a "companion" if she is a +rich woman; and if she is a poor one she must join some party of +friends when she travels. She can travel abroad with her maid, but +in Paris and other Continental cities a woman still young-looking +had better not do this. She is not safe from insult nor from +injurious suspicion if she signs herself "Miss" Smith, and is +without her mother, an elderly friend, a companion, or party. + +In America a woman can go anywhere and do almost anything without +fear of insult. But in Europe, where the custom of chaperonage is +so universal, she must be more circumspect. + +As to visiting an artist's studio alone, there is in art itself an +ennobling and purifying influence which should be a protection. +But we must not forget that saucy book by Maurice Sand, in which +its author says that the first thing he observed in America was +that women (even respectable ones) went alone to artists' studios. +It would seem wiser, therefore, that a lady, though thirty-five, +should be attended in her visits to studios by a friend or +companion. This simple expedient "silences envious tongues," and +avoids even the remotest appearance of evil. + +In the matter of paying for tickets, if a lady of thirty-five +wishes to allow a gentleman to pay for her admission to +picture-galleries and theatres she has an indisputable right to do +so. But we are not fighting for a right, only defining a law of +etiquette, when we say that it is not generally allowed in the +best society, abroad or here. In the case of young girls it is +quite unallowable, but in the case of a lady of thirty-five it may +be permitted as a sort of _camaraderie_, as one college friend may +pay for another. The point is, however, a delicate one. Men, in +the freedom of their clubs, recount to each other the clever +expedients which many women of society use to extort from them +boxes for the opera and suppers at Delmonico's. A woman should +remember that it may sometimes be very inconvenient to young men +who are invited by her to go to concerts and theatres to pay for +these pleasures. Many a poor fellow who has become a defaulter has +to thank for it the lady who first asked him to take her to +Delmonico's to supper. He was ashamed to tell her that he was +poor, and he stole that he might not seem a churl. + +Another phase of the subject is that a lady in permitting a +gentleman to expend money for her pleasures assumes an obligation +to him which time and chance may render oppressive. + +With an old friend, however, one whose claim to friendship is well +established, the conditions are changed. In his case there can be +no question of obligation, and a woman may accept unhesitatingly +any of those small attentions and kindnesses which friendly +feeling may prompt him to offer to her. + +Travelling alone with a gentleman escort was at one time allowed +in the West. A Kentucky woman of that historic period, "before the +war," would not have questioned the propriety of it, and a Western +man of to-day still has the desire to pay everything, everywhere, +"for a lady." + +The increase in the population of the Western States and the +growth of a wealthy and fashionable society in the large towns +have greatly modified this spirit of unwise chivalry, and such +customs are passing away even on the frontier. Mr. Howells's +novel, "The Lady of the Aroostook," has acquainted American +readers with the unkind criticism to which a young lady who +travels in Europe without a chaperon is subjected, and we believe +that there are few mammas who would desire to see their daughters +in the position of Miss Lydia Blood. + +"An old maid," as our correspondent playfully calls herself, may +do almost anything without violating etiquette, if she consents to +become a chaperon, and takes with her a younger person. Thus an +aunt and niece can travel far and wide; the position of an elder +sister is always dignified; the youthful head of a house has a +right to assert herself--she must do it--therefore etiquette bows +to her (as "nice customs courtesy to great kings"). + +There is very much in the appearance of a woman. It is a part of +the injustice of nature that some people look coquettish who are +not so. Bad taste in dress, a high color, a natural flow of +spirits, or a loud laugh have often caused a very good woman to be +misinterpreted. Such a woman should be able to sit in judgment +upon herself; and remembering that in a great city, at a crowded +theatre, or at a watering-place, judgments must be hasty and +superficial, she should tone down her natural exuberance, and take +with her a female companion who is of a different type from +herself. Calm and cold Puritanical people may not be more +respectable than the fresh-colored and laughing "old maids" of +thirty-five, but they look more so, and in this world women must +consult appearances. An elderly girl must ever think how she +looks. A woman who at a watering-place dresses conspicuously, +wears a _peignoir_ to breakfast, dyes her hair, or looks as if she +did, ties a white blond veil over her locks and sits on a hotel +piazza, showing her feet, may be the best, the most cultivated +woman in the house, but a superficial observer will not think so. +In the mind of every passer-by will lurk the feeling that she +lacks the first grace of womanhood, modesty--and in the criticism +of a crowd there is strength. A man passing such a person, and +contrasting her with modestly dressed and unobtrusive ladies, +would naturally form an unfavorable opinion of her; and were she +alone, and her name entered on the books of the house as "Miss" +Smith, he would not be too severe if he thought her decidedly +eccentric, and certainly "bad style." If, however, "Miss" Smith +were very plain and quiet, and dressed simply and in good taste, +or if she sat on the sands looking at the sea, or attended an +invalid or a younger friend, then Miss Smith might be as +independent as she pleased: she would suffer from no injurious +comments. Even the foreigner, who does not believe in the +eccentricities of the English _mees_, would have no word to say +against her. A good-looking elderly girl might say, "There is, +then, a premium on ugliness;" but that we do not mean. Handsome +women can conduct themselves so well that the breath of reproach +need not and does not touch them, and ugly women may and do +sometimes gain an undeserved reproach. + +There are some people who are born with what we call, for want of +a better name, a pinchbeck air. Their jewellery never looks like +real gold; their manner is always bad; they have the _faux air_ of +fashion, not the real one. Such people, especially if single, +receive many a snub which they do not deserve, and to a woman of +this style a companion is almost necessary. Fortunately there are +almost always _two_ women who can join forces in travelling or in +living together, and the independence of such a couple is +delightful. We have repeated testimony in English literature of +the pleasant lives of the Ladies of Llangollen, of the lives of +Miss Jewsbury and Lady Morgan, and of the model sisters Berry. In +our own country we have almost abolished the idea that a companion +is necessary for women of talent who are physicians or artists or +musicians; but to those who are still in the trammels of private +life we can say that the presence of a companion need not destroy +their liberty, and it may add very much to their respectability +and happiness. There is, no doubt, a great pleasure in the added +freedom of life which comes to an elderly girl. "I can wear a +velvet dress now," said an exceedingly handsome woman on her +thirtieth birthday. In England an unmarried woman of fifty is +called "_Mrs._," if she prefers that title. So many delightful +women are late in loving, so many are true to some buried love, so +many are "elderly girls" from choice, and from no neglect of the +stronger sex, that to them should be accorded all the respect +which is supposed to accrue naturally to the married. "It takes a +very superior woman to be an old maid," said Miss Sedgwick. + +CHAPTER XXVI. +NEW-YEAR'S CALLS. + +"Le jour de l'an," as the French call the first day of January, is +indeed the principal day of the year to those who still keep up +the custom of calling and receiving calls. But in New York it is a +custom which is in danger of falling into desuetude, owing to the +size of the city and the growth of its population. There are, +however, other towns and "much country" (as the Indians say) +outside of New York, and there are still hospitable boards at +which the happy and the light-hearted, the gay and the thoughtful, +may meet and exchange wishes for a happy New-Year. + +To those who receive calls we would say that it is well, if +possible, to have every arrangement made two or three days before +New-Year's, as the visiting begins early--sometimes at eleven +o'clock--if the caller means to make a goodly day. A lady should +have her hair dressed for the day when she rises, and if her dress +be not too elaborate she should put it on then, so that she may be +in the drawing-room when the first visitor arrives. In regard to +the question of dress, we should say that for elderly ladies black +satin or velvet, or any of the combination dresses so fashionable +now, with handsome lace, and Swedish gloves of pearl or tan color +(not white kids; these are decidedly rococo, and not in fashion), +would be appropriate. A black satin, well made, and trimmed with +beaded _passementerie_, is perhaps the handsomest dress that could +be worn by any one. Brocaded silk, plain gros grain, anything that +a lady would wear at the wedding reception of her daughter is +suitable, although a plain dress is in better taste. + +For young ladies nothing is so pretty as a dress of light cashmere +and silk, cut high at the throat. These dresses, in the very +pretty tints worn now, are extremely becoming, warm-looking, and +appropriate for a reception, when the door is being often opened. +White dresses of thick silk or cashmere, trimmed around the neck +with lace, are also very elegant. In all countries young married +women are allowed to be as magnificent as a picture of Marie de +Medici, and can wear on New-Year's day rose-colored and white +brocaded silks, with pearl trimmings, or plain ciel blue, or +prawn-colored silk over white, or embossed velvet, or what they +please, so that the dress is cut high, and has sleeves to the +elbow. Each lady should have near her an ermine cloak, or a small +camel's-hair shawl in case of draughts. It is not good taste to +wear low-necked or sleeveless dresses during the day-time. They +are worn by brides on their wedding-day sometimes, but at +receptions or on New-Year's day scarcely ever. + +While much magnificence is permissible, still a plain black or +dark silk dress, if well made, with fresh ruffles at neck and +wrists, is quite as proper as anything else, and men generally +admire it more. But where a lady has several daughters to receive +with her, she should study the effect of her rooms, and dress the +young ladies in prettily contrasting colors. This may be cheaply +done by using the soft, fine merinoes, which are to be had in all +the delicate and fashionable shades. Short dresses of this +material are much used; but now that imported dresses are so +easily obtained, a mother with many daughters to dress cannot do +better than buy costumes similar to those worn by economical +French ladies on their _jour de l'an_. One article of dress is _de +rigeur_. With whatever style of costume, gloves must be worn. + +A lady who expects to have many calls, and who wishes to offer +refreshments, should have hot tea and coffee and a bowl of punch +on a convenient table; or, better still, a silver kettle filled +with bouillon standing in the hall, so that a gentleman coming in +or going out can take a cup of it unsolicited. If she lives in an +English basement house, this table can be in the lower +dining-room. In a house three rooms deep the table and all the +refreshments can be in the usual dining-room or in the upper +back-parlor. Of course, her "grand spread" can be as gorgeous as +she pleases. Hot oysters, salads, boned turkey, quail, and hot +terrapin, with wines _ad libitum_, are offered by the wealthy; but +this is a difficult table to keep in order when ten men call at +one o'clock, and forty at four, and none between. The best table +is one which is furnished with boned turkey, jellied tongues, and +_pƒt‚s_, sandwiches, and similar dishes, with cake and fruit as +decorative additions. The modern and admirable adjunct of a +spirit-lamp under a teakettle keeps the bouillon, tea, and coffee +always hot, and these, with the teacups necessary to serve them, +should be on a small table at one side. A maid-servant, neatly +dressed, should be in constant attendance on this table, and a +man-servant or two will be needed to attend the door and to wait +at table. + +The man at the door should have a silver tray or card-basket in +which to receive the cards of visitors. If a gentleman is not +known to the lady of the house, he sends in his card; otherwise he +leaves it with the waiter, who deposits it in some receptacle +where it should be kept until the lady has leisure to examine the +cards of all her guests. If a gentleman is calling on a young +lady, and is not known to the hostess, he sends in his card to the +former, who presents him to the hostess and to all the ladies +present. If the room is full, an introduction to the hostess only +is necessary. If the room is comparatively empty, it is much +kinder to present a gentleman to each lady, as it tends to make +conversation general. As a guest is about to depart, he should be +invited to take some refreshment, and be conducted towards the +dining-room for that purpose. This hospitality should never be +urged, as man is a creature who dines, and is seldom willing to +allow a luncheon to spoil a dinner. In a country neighborhood, +however, or after a long walk, a visitor is almost always glad to +break his fast and enjoy a pickled oyster, a sandwich, or a cup of +bouillon. + +The etiquette of New-Year's day commands, peremptorily, that a +gentleman shall not be asked to take off his overcoat nor to be +relieved of his hat. He will probably prefer to wear his overcoat, +and to carry his hat in his hand during his brief visit. If he +wishes to dispose of either, he will do so in the hall; but on +that point he is a free moral agent, and it is not a part of the +duty of a hostess to suggest what he shall do with his clothes. + +Many letters come to us asking "What subjects should be talked +about during a New-Year's call." Alas! we can only suggest the +weather and the good wishes appropriate to the season. The +conversation is apt to be fragmentary. One good _mot_ was evolved +a few years ago, when roads were snowy and ways were foul. A +gentleman complained of the mud and the dirty streets. "Yes," said +the lady, "but it is very bright overhead." "I am not going that +way," replied the gentleman. + +A gentleman should not be urged to stay when he calls. He has +generally but five minutes in which to express a desire that old +and pleasant memories shall be continued, that new and cordial +friendships shall be formed, and after that compliment, which +every wall-bred man pays a lady, "How remarkably well you are +looking to-day!" he wishes to be off. + +In France it is the custom for a gentleman to wear a dress-coat +when calling on a great public functionary on New-Year's day, but +it is not so in America. Here he should, wear the dress in which +he would make an ordinary morning visit. When he enters a room he +should not remove his gloves, nor should he say, as he greets his +hostess, "Excuse my glove." He should take her gloved hand in his +and give it a cordial pressure, according to our pleasant American +fashion. When leaving, the ceremony is very brief--simply, +"Good-morning," or "Good-evening," as the case may be. + +It is proper for gentlemen to call late in the evening of +New-Year's day, and calls are made during the ensuing evenings by +people who are otherwise occupied in the daytime. If the family +are at dinner, or the lady is fatigued with the day's duties, the +servant must say at the door that Mrs._____ desires to be excused. +He must not present the card to her, and thus oblige her to send +to her visitor a message which might be taken as a personal +affront. But she must have the servant instructed to refuse all at +certain hours; then none can be offended. + +Many ladies in New York are no longer "at home" on New-Year's day; +and when this is the case a basket is tied at the door to receive +cards. They do this because so many gentlemen have given up the +custom of calling that it seems to be dying out, and all their +preparations for a reception become a hollow mockery. How many +weary women have sat with novel in hand and luncheon-table spread, +waiting for the callers who did not come! The practice of sending +cards to gentlemen, stating that a lady would be at home on +New-Year's day, has also very much gone out of fashion, owing to +the fact that gentlemen frequently did not respond to them. + +It is, however, proper that a married lady returning to her home +after a long absence in Europe, or one who has changed her +residence, or who is living at a hotel or boarding-house (or who +is visiting friends), should send her card to those gentlemen whom +she wishes to receive. It must be remembered that many gentlemen, +generally those no longer young, still like very much the fashion +of visiting on New-Year's day, and go to see as many people as +they can in a brief winter's sunshine. These gentlemen deplore the +basket at the door, and the decadence of the old custom in New +York. Family friends and old friends, those whom they never see at +any other time, are to be seen--or they should be seen, so these +old friends think--on New-Year's day. + +A personal call is more agreeable than a card. Let a gentleman +call, and in person, or take no notice of the day. So say the most +trustworthy authorities, and their opinion has an excellent +foundation of common-sense. + +Could we only go back to the old Dutch town where the custom +started, where all animosities were healed, all offences +forgotten, on New-Year's day, when the good Dutch housewives made +their own cakes and spiced the loving-cup, when all the women +stayed at home to receive and all the men called, what a different +New-Year's day we should enjoy in New York. Nowadays, two or three +visitors arrive before the hostess is ready to receive them; then +one comes after she has appeared, vanishes, and she remains alone +for two hours; then forty come. She remembers none of their names, +and has no rational or profitable conversation with any of them. + +But for the abusers of New-Year's day, the pretenders who, with no +right to call, come in under cover of the general hospitality of +the season--the bores, who on this day, as on all days, are only +tiresome--we have no salve, no patent cure. A hostess must receive +them with the utmost suavity, and be as amiable and agreeable as +possible. + +New-Year's day is a very brilliant one at Washington. All the +world calls on the President at twelve o'clock; the diplomats in +full dress, officers of the army and navy in full uniform, and the +other people grandly attired. Later, the heads of departments, +cabinet ministers, judges, etc., receive the lesser lights of +society. + +In Paris the same etiquette is observed, and every clerk calls on +his chief. + +In a small city or village etiquette manages itself, and ladies +have only to let it be known that they will be at home, with hot +coffee and oysters, to receive the most agreeable kind of +callers--those who come because they really wish to pay a visit, +to express goodwill, and to ask for that expression of friendship +which our reserved Anglo-Saxon natures are so prone to withhold. + +In New York a few years ago the temperance people made a great +onslaught on ladies who invited young men to drink on New-Year's +day. It was said to lead to much disorder and intemperance; and +so, from fear of causing one's brother to sin, many have banished +the familiar punch-bowl. In a number of well-known houses in New +York no luncheon is offered, and a cup of bouillon or coffee and a +sandwich is the usual refreshment in the richest and most stylish +houses. It will be seen, therefore, that it is a day of largest +liberty. There are no longer any sumptuary laws; but it is +impossible to say why ladies of the highest fashion in New York do +not still make it a gala-day. The multiplicity of other +entertainments, the unseen yet all-powerful influence of fashion, +these things mould the world insensibly. Yet in a thousand homes, +thousands of cordial hands will be extended on the great First of +January, and to all of them we wish a Happy New Year. + +CHAPTER XXVII. +MATINES AND SOIRES. + +A matin‚e in America means an afternoon performance at the theatre +of a play or opera. In Europe it has a wider significance, any +social gathering before dinner in France being called a _matin‚e_, +as any party after dinner is called a _soir‚e_. + +The improper application of another foreign word was strikingly +manifested in the old fashion of calling the President's evening +receptions _levees_. The term "levee," as originally used, meant +literally a king's getting up. When he arose, and while he was +dressing, such of his courtiers as were privileged to approach him +at this hour gathered in an anteroom-waiting to assist at his +toilet, to wish him good morning, or perhaps prefer a request. In +time this morning gathering grew to be an important court +ceremonial, and some one ignorant of the meaning of the word named +President Jackson's evening receptions "the President's levees." +So with the word _matin‚e_. First used to indicate a day reception +at court, it has now grown to mean a day performance at a theatre. +Sometimes a lady, bolder than her neighbors, issues an invitation +for "a _matin‚e dansante_," or "a _matin‚e musicale_," but this +descriptive style is not common. + +There are many advantages in a morning party. It affords to ladies +who do not go to evening receptions the pleasure of meeting +informally, and is also a well-chosen occasion for introducing a +new pianist or singer. + +For a busy woman of fashion nothing can be more conveniently timed +than a _matin‚e_, which begins at two and ends at four or half +past. It does not interfere with a five-o'clock tea or a drive in +the park, nor unfit her for a dinner or an evening entertainment. +Two o'clock is also a very good hour for a large and informal +general lunch, if a lady wishes to avoid the expense, formality, +and trouble of a "sit-down" lunch. + +While the busy ladies can go to a _matin‚e_, the busy gentleman +cannot; and as men of leisure in America are few, a morning +entertainment at a theatre or in society is almost always an +assemblage of women. To avoid this inequality of sex, many ladies +have their _matin‚e_s on some one of the national +holidays--Washington's Birthday, Thanksgiving, or Decoration-day. +On these occasions a _matin‚e_, even in busy New York, is well +attended by gentlemen. + +When, as sometimes happens, a prince, a duke, an archbishop, an +author of celebrity, a Tom Hughes, a Lord Houghton, a Dean +Stanley, or some descendant of our French allies at Yorktown, +comes on a visit to our country, one of the most satisfactory +forms of entertainment that we can offer to him is a morning +reception. At an informal _matin‚e_ we may bring to meet him such +authors, artists, clergymen, lawyers, editors, statesmen, rich and +public-spirited citizens, and beautiful and cultivated women of +society, as we may be fortunate enough to know. + +The primary business of society is to bring together the various +elements of which it is made up--its strongest motive should be to +lighten up the momentous business of life by an easy and friendly +intercourse and interchange of ideas. + +But if we hope to bring about us men of mind and distinction, our +object must be not only to be amused but to amuse. + +To persuade those elderly men who are maintaining the great +American name at its present high place in the Pantheon of nations +to spend a couple of hours at a _matin‚e_, we must offer some +tempting bait as an equivalent. A lady who entertained Dean +Stanley said that she particularly enjoyed her own _matin‚e_ given +for him, because through his name she for the first time induced +the distinguished clergy of New York to come to her house. + +Such men are not tempted by the frivolities of a fashionable +social life that lives by its vanity, its excitement, its rivalry +and flirtation. Not that all fashionable society is open to such +reproach, but its tendency is to lightness and emptiness; and we +rarely find really valuable men who seek it. Therefore a lady who +would make her house attractive to the best society must offer it +something higher than that to which we may give the generic title +fashion. Dress, music, dancing, supper, are delightful +accessories-they are ornaments and stimulants, not requisites. For +a good society we need men and women who are "good company," as +they say in England--men and women who can talk. Nor is the +advantage all on one side. The free play of brain, taste, and +feeling is a most important refreshment to a man who works hard, +whether in the pulpit or in Wall Street, in the editorial chair or +at the dull grind of authorship. The painter should wash his +brushes and strive for some intercourse of abiding value with +those whose lives differ from his own. The woman who works should +also look upon the _divertissements_ of society as needed +recreation, fruitful, may be, of the best culture. + +On the other hand, no society is perfect without the elements of +beauty, grace, taste, refinement, and luxury. We must bring all +these varied potentialities together if we would have a real and +living social life. For that brilliant thing that we call society +is a finely-woven fabric of threads of different sizes and colors +of contrasting shades. It is not intrigue, or the display of +wealth, or morbid excitement that must bind together this social +fabric, but sympathy, that pleasant thing which refines and +refreshes, and "knits up the ravelled sleeve of care," and leaves +us strong for the battle of life. + +And in no modern form of entertainment can we better produce this +finer atmosphere, this desirable sympathy between the world of +fashion and that of thought, than by _matin‚es_, when given under +favorable circumstances. To be sure, if we gave one every day it +would be necessary, as we have said, to dispense with a large +number of gentlemen; but the occasional _matinee_ is apt to catch +some very good specimens of the _genus homo_, and sometimes the +best specimens. It is proper to offer a very substantial _buffet, +as people rarely lunch before two o'clock, and will be glad of a +bit of bird, a cup of bouillon, or a leaf of salad. It is much +better to offer such an entertainment earlier than the +five-o'clock tea; at which hour people are saving their appetites +for dinner. + +A _soir‚e_ is a far more difficult affair, and calls for more +subtle treatment. It should be, not a ball, but what was formerly +called an "evening party." It need not exclude dancing, but +dancing is not its excuse for being. It means a very bright +_conversazione_, or a reading, or a _musicale_, with pretty +evening dress (not necessarily ball dress), a supper, and early +hours. Such, at least, was its early significance abroad. + +It has this advantage in New York, that it does attract gentlemen. +They like very much the easy-going, early-houred _soir‚e_. We +mean, of course, those gentlemen who no longer care for balls, and +if aristocracy is to be desired, "the rule of the best," at +American entertainments, all aspirants for social distinction +should try to propitiate those men who are being driven from the +ballroom by the insolence and pretension of the lower elements of +fashionable society. In Europe, the very qualities which make a +man great in the senate, the field, or the chamber of commerce, +give him a corresponding eminence in the social world. Many a +gray-mustached veteran in Paris leads the german. A senator of +France aspires to appear well in the boudoir. With these men +social dexterity is a requisite to success, and is cultivated as a +duty. It is not so here, for the two great factors of success in +America, wealth and learning, do not always fit a man for society, +and still less does society adapt itself to them. + +The _soir‚e_, if properly conducted, is an entertainment to which +can be brought the best elements of our society: elderly, +thoughtful, and educated men. A lady should not, however, in the +matter of dress, confound a _soir‚e_ with a concert or reception. +It is the height of impropriety to wear a bonnet to the former, as +has been done in New York, to the everlasting disgust of the +hostess. + +When a hostess takes the pains to issue an invitation to a +_soir‚e_ a week or a fortnight before it is to occur, she should +be repaid by the careful dressing and early arrival of her guests. +It may be proper to go to an evening reception in a bonnet, but +never to a _soir‚e_ or an evening party. + +There is no doubt that wealth has become a power in American +society, and that we are in danger of feeling that, if we have not +wealth, we can give neither _matin‚es_ nor _soir‚es_; but this is +a mistake. Of course the possession of wealth is most desirable. +Money is power, and when it is well earned it is a noble power; +but it does not command all those advantages which are the very +essence of social intercourse. It may pamper the appetite, but it +does not always feed the mind. There is still a corner left for +those that have but little money. A lady can give a _matinee_ or a +_soiree_ in a small house with very little expenditure of money; +and if she has the inspiration of the model entertainer, every one +whom she honors with an invitation will flock to her small and +unpretending _menage_. There are numbers of people in our large +cities who can give great balls, dazzle the eye, confuse and +delight the senses, drown us in a sensuous luxury; but how few +there are who, in a back street and in a humble house, light that +lamp by which the Misses Berry summoned to their little parlor the +cleverest and best people! + +The elegant, the unpretentious, the quiet _soir‚e_ to which the +woman of fashion shall welcome the _litt‚rateur_ and the artist, +the aristocrat who is at the top of the social tree and the +millionaire who reached his culmination yesterday, would seem to +be that _Ultima Thule_ for which all people have been sighing ever +since society was first thought of. There are some Americans who +are so foolish as to affect the pride of the hereditary +aristocracies, and who have some fancied traditional standard by +which they think to keep their blue blood pure. A good old +grandfather who had talent, or patriotism, or broad views of +statesmanship, "who did the state some service," is a relation to +be proud of, but his descendants should take care to show, by some +more personal excellence than that of a social exclusiveness, +their appreciation of his honesty and ability. What our +grandfathers were, a thousand new-comers now are. They made their +way--the early American men--untrammelled by class restraints; +they arrived at wealth and distinction and social eminence by +their own merits; they toiled for the money which buys for their +grandsons purple and fine linen. And could they see the pure and +perfect snob who now sometimes bears the name which they left so +unsullied, they would be exasperated and ashamed, Of course, a +certain exclusiveness must mark all our _matin‚es_ and _soir‚es_; +they would fail of the chief element of diversion if we invited +everybody. Let us, therefore, make sure of the aesthetic and +intellectual, the sympathetic and the genial, and sift out the +pretentious and the impure. The rogues, the pretenders, the +adventurers who push into the penetralia of our social circles are +many, and it is to the exclusion of such that a hostess should +devote herself. + +It is said that all women are born aristocrats, and it is +sometimes said in the same tone with which the speaker afterwards +adds that all women are born fools. A woman, from her finer sense, +enjoys luxury, fine clothing, gorgeous houses, and all the +refinements that money can buy; but even the most idle and +luxurious and foolish woman desires that higher luxury which art +and intelligence and delicate appreciation can alone bring; the +two are necessary to each other. To a hostess the difficulty of +entertaining in such a manner as to unite in a perfect whole the +financiers, the philosophers, the cultivated foreigners, the +people of fashion, the sympathetic and the artistic is very great; +but a hostess may bring about the most genial democracy at the +modern _matin‚e_ or _soir‚e_ if she manages properly. + +CHAPTER XXVIII. +AFTERNOON TEA. + +The five-o'clock tea began in England, and is continued there, as +a needed refreshment after a day's hunting, driving, or +out-of-door exercise, before dressing for dinner--that very late +dinner of English fashion. It is believed that the Princess of +Wales set the fashion by receiving in her boudoir at some +countryhouse in a very becoming "tea gown," which every lady knows +to be the most luxurious change from the tight riding-habit or +carriage-dress. Her friends came in, by her gracious invitation, +to her sanctum, between five and seven, to take a cup of tea with +her. The London belles were glad to have an excuse for a new +entertainment, and gradually it grew to be a fashion, at which +people talked so fast and so loud as to suggest the noise of a +drum--a kettledrum, the most rattling of all drums. Then it was +remembered that an old-fashioned entertainment was called a drum, +and the tea suggested kettle, and the name fitted the +circumstances. In England, where economy is so much the fashion, +it was finally pronounced an excellent excuse for the suppression +of expense, and it came over to New York during a calamitous +period, just after "Black Friday." Ladies were glad to assemble +their friends at an hour convenient for their servants, and with +an entertainment inexpensive to their husbands. So a kettledrum +became the most fashionable of entertainments. People after a +while forgot its origin, and gave a splendid ball by daylight, +with every luxury of the season, and called it tea at five +o'clock, or else paid off all their social obligations by one +sweeping "tea," which cost them nothing but the lighting of the +gas and the hiring of an additional waiter. They became so popular +that they defeated themselves, and ladies had to encompass five, +six, sometimes nine teas of an afternoon, and the whole of a cold +Saturday--the favorite day for teas--was spent in a carriage +trying to accomplish the impossible. + +The only "afternoon tea" that should prevail in a large city like +New York is that given by one or two ladies who are usually "at +home" at five o'clock every afternoon. If there is a well-known +house where the hostess has the firmness and the hospitality to be +always seated in front of her blazing urn at that hour, she is +sure of a crowd of gentlemen visitors, who come from down-town +glad of a cup of tea and a chat and rest between work and dinner. +The sight of a pretty girl making tea is always dear to the +masculine heart. Many of our young lawyers, brokers, and gay men +of the hunt like a cup of hot tea at five o'clock. The mistake was +in the perversion of the idea, the making it the occasion for the +official presentation of a daughter, or the excuse for other and +more elaborate entertainments. So, although many a house is opened +this winter at the same convenient hour, and with perhaps only the +bouillon and tea-kettle and bit of cake or sandwich (for really no +one wants more refreshment than this before dinner and after +luncheon), the name of these afternoon entertainments has been by +mutual consent dropped, and we no longer see the word "kettledrum" +or "afternoon tea" on a card, but simply the date and the hour. + +There is a great deal to be said in this matter on both sides. The +primal idea was a good one. To have a gathering of people without +the universal oyster was at first a great relief. The people who +had not money for grand "spreads" were enabled to show to their +more opulent neighbors that they too had the spirit of +hospitality. All who have spent a winter in Rome remember the +frugal entertainment offered, so that an artist with no plentiful +purse could still ask a prince to visit him. It became the +reproach of Americans that they alone were ashamed to be poor, and +that, unless they could offer an expensive supper, dinner, or +luncheon, they could not ask their friends to come to see them. +Then, again, the doctors, it was urged, had discovered that tea +was the best stimulant for the athlete and for the brain-worker. +English "breakfast tea" kept nobody awake, and was the most +delightful of appetizers. The cup of tea and a sandwich taken at +five o'clock spoiled no one's dinner. The ladies of the house +began these entertainments, modestly receiving in plain but pretty +dresses; their guests were asked to come in walking-dress. But +soon the other side of the story began to tell. A lady going in +velvet and furs into a heated room, where gas added its discomfort +to the subterranean fires of a furnace, drank her hot cup of tea, +and came out to take a dreadful cold. Her walking dress was +manifestly a dress inappropriate to a kettledrum. Then the hostess +and the guests both became more dressy, the afternoon tea lost its +primitive character and became a gay reception. Then, again, the +nerves! The doctors condemn even the afternoon cup of tea, and +declare that it is the foundation of much of the nervous +prostration, the sleeplessness, and the nameless misery of our +overexcited and careworn oxygen driven people. We are overworked, +no doubt. We are an overcivilized set, particularly in the large +cities, and every one must decide for himself or herself if "tea" +is not an insidious enemy. That the introduction of an informal +and healthful and inexpensive way of entertaining is a grand +desideratum no one can fail to observe and allow. But with the +growth of an idea the tea blossomed into a supper, and the little +knot into a crowd, and of course the name became a misnomer. + +The ideal entertainment would seem to be a gathering between four +and seven, which is thoroughly understood to be a large +gas-lighted party, which a lady enters properly dressed for a hot +room, having a cloak which she can throw off in the hall, and +where she can make her call long or short, as she pleases, and can +find a cup of hot bouillon if she is cold, or tea if she prefers +it, or a more elaborate lunch if her hostess pleases; and this +ideal entertainment is _not_ afternoon tea; it is a _reception_. +It is well enough indicated by the date on the card, and does not +need a name. + +The abuse of the "afternoon tea" was that it took the place of +other entertainments. It has almost ruined the early evening +party, which was so pleasant a feature of the past. People who +could well afford to give breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and balls, +where men and women could meet each other, and talk, and know each +other well, did not give them; they gave an afternoon tea. + +It may be because we have no "leisure class" that we do not give +breakfasts. In all our Anglomania it is strange that we have not +copied that plain, informal thing, an English breakfast, such as +Sydney Smith was wont to give. Mr. Webster writes home in 1839: +"In England the rule of politeness is to be quiet, act naturally, +take no airs, and make no bustle. This perfect politeness has cost +a great deal of drill." He delighted in the English breakfasts, +where he met "Boz," Tom Moore, Wordsworth, Rogers (who never gave +any entertainment but breakfasts). We are all workers in America, +yet we might have an occasional breakfast-party. Dinners and +ladies' lunches we know very well how to give, and there are +plenty of them. Perhaps the only objection to them is their +oversumptuousness. The ideal dinners of the past at Washington, +with the old Virginia hospitality, the oysters, terrapin, wild +turkeys, venison, served by negro cooks and waiters, the hostess +keeping the idea of agreeability before her, instead of caring +principally for her china, her glass, and her table-cloth. These +gave way long ago in New York to the greater luxury of the +prosperous city, and if there was any loss, it was in the +conversation. New York women have been forced into a life of +overdressing, dancing, visiting, shopping, gaining the +accomplishments, and showing them off, and leading the life of +society at its height; the men have been overwhelmingly engaged in +commerce, and later in Wall Street. No wonder that four o'clock +was an hour at which both paused, and called for a "cup of tea." + +Nor because the name has passed away-temporarily, perhaps--will +the fashion pass. People will still gather around the steaming +urn. Young ladies find it a very pretty recreation to make the +tea-table attractive with the floral arrangements, the basket of +cake, the sandwiches, the silver tea-caddy, the alcohol lamp +burning under the silver or copper kettle, the padded "cozy" to +keep the tea warm, the long table around which young gentlemen and +young ladies can sit, while mamma, patient American +mamma--receives the elder people in the parlor. + +It is no longer the elderly lady who presides at the tea-kettle; +the tabbies do not make or drink the teas; the younger pussies are +the queens of four-o'clock tea. It is whispered that it is a +convenient _alias_ for flirtation, or something even sweeter--that +many engagements have been made at "four-o'clock teas." + +Certainly it is a very good opportunity for showing one's +tea-cups. The handsome china can be displayed at a four-o'clock +tea, if it is not too large, to the best advantage. The very early +assumption of a grand social entertainment under the name of +"four-o'clock tea" rather blotted out one of the prettiest +features of the English tea, that of the graceful garment the _tea +gown_. + +Tea gowns in France, under the _r‚gime_ of Worth, have become most +luxurious garments. They are made of silk, satin, velvet, and +lined with delicate surah. They are trimmed with real and +imitation lace, and are of the most delicate shades of pink, blue, +lavender, and pearl-color; cascades of lace extend down the front. +In these, made loose to the figure, but still very elegant and +most becoming, do the English princess, the duchess, and the +Continental coroneted or royal dame, or the queen of fashion, +receive their guests at afternoon tea. No wonder that in each +bridal trousseau do we read of the wonderful "tea gowns." In +America ladies have been in the habit of always receiving in the +tight-fitting and elegant combinations of silk, surah, brocade, +velvet, and cashmere which fill the wardrobe of modern fashion. +The dresses of delicate cashmere, so becoming to young girls, are +always very much patronized for afternoon tea. Indeed, the young +lady dressed for afternoon tea was dressed for dinner. In this, as +our American afternoon teas have been managed, the American young +lady was right, for it is not _convenable_, according to European +ideas, to wear a loose flowing robe of the tea-gown pattern out of +one's bedroom or boudoir. It has been done by ignorant people at a +watering-place, but it never looks well. It is really an undress, +although lace and satin may be used in its composition. A plain, +high, and tight-fitting g‚arment is much the more elegant dress +for the afternoon teas as we give them. + +Call it what you will--reception, kettledrum, afternoon tea, or +something without a name--we have unconsciously, imitating a very +different sort of informal gathering, gained an easy and a +sensible entertainment in society, from four to seven; which seems +to address itself to all kinds of needs. We are prone in America +(so foreigners say) to overdo a thing--perhaps, also, to underdo +it. Be that as it may, all agree with Lord Houghton, who laughed +at the phrase, that we know how "to have a good time." + +CHAPTER XXIX. +CAUDLE AND CHRISTENING CUPS AND CEREMONIES. + +We are asked by many young mammas as to the meaning of the phrase +"caudle parties." + +Formerly the persons who called to congratulate the happy +possessor of a new boy or girl were offered mulled wine and +plum-cake. Some early chronicler thinks that the two got mixed, +and that caudle was the result. + +Certain it is that a most delicious beverage, a kind of oatmeal +gruel, boiled "two days," with raisins and spices, and fine old +Madeira (some say rum) added, makes a dish fit to set before a +king, and is offered now to the callers on a young mamma. The old +English custom was to have this beverage served three days after +the arrival of the little stranger. The caudle-cups, preserved in +many an old family, are now eagerly sought after as curiosities; +they have two handles, so they could be passed from one to +another. They were handed down as heirlooms when these candle +parties were more fashionable than they have been, until a recent +date. Now there is a decided idea of reintroducing them. In those +days the newly-made papa also entertained his friends with a stag +party, when bachelors and also Benedicks were invited to eat +buttered toast, which was sugared and spread in a mighty +punch-bowl, over which boiling-hot beer was poured. After the +punch-bowl was emptied, each guest placed a piece of money in the +bowl for the nurse. Strong ale was brewed, and a pipe of wine laid +by to be drunk on the majority of the child. + +This greasy mess is fortunately now extinct, but the caudle, a +really delicious dish or drink, is the fashion again. It is +generally offered when master or miss is about six weeks old, and +mamma receives her friends in a tea gown or some pretty +convalescent wrap, very often made of velvet or plush cut in the +form of a belted-in jacket and skirt, or in one long princesse +robe, elaborately trimmed with cascades of lace down the front. +The baby is, of course, shown, but not much handled. Some parents +have the christening and the caudle party together, but of this, +it is said, the Church does not approve. + +The selection of god-parents is always a delicate task. It is a +very great compliment, of course, to ask any one to stand in this +relation, highly regarded in England, but not so much thought of +here. Formerly there were always two godfathers and two +godmothers, generally chosen from friends and relations, who were +expected to watch over the religious education of the young child, +and to see that he was, in due time, confirmed. In all old +countries this relationship lasts through life; kindly help and +counsel being given to the child by the godfather--even to +adoption in many instances--should the parents die. But in our new +country, with the absence of an established Church, and with our +belief in the power of every man to take care of himself, this +beautiful relationship has been neglected. We are glad to see by +our letters that it is being renewed, and that people are thinking +more of these time-honored connections. + +After a birth, friends and acquaintances should call and send in +their cards, or send them by their servants, with kind inquiries. +When the mother is ready to see her friends, she should, if she +wishes, signify that time by sending out cards for a "caudle +party." But let her be rather deliberate about this unless she has +a mother, or aunt, or sister to take all the trouble for her. + +The godfather and godmother generally give some little present; a +silver cup or porringer, knife, fork, and spoon, silver basin, +coral tooth-cutter, or coral and bells, were the former gifts; +but, nowadays, we hear of one wealthy godfather who left a check +for $100,000 in the baby's cradle; and it is not unusual for those +who can do so to make some very valuable investment for the child, +particularly if he bears the name of the godfather. + +Some people--indeed, most people--take their children to church to +be baptized, and then give a luncheon at home afterwards to which +all are invited, especially the officiating clergyman and his +wife, as well as the sponsors. The presents should be given at +this time. Old-fashioned people give the baby some salt and an egg +for good luck, and are particular that he should be carried +up-stairs before he is carried down, and that when he goes out +first he shall be carried to the house of some near and dear +relative. + +Confirmation is in the Episcopal Church the sequel to baptism; and +in France this is a beautiful and very important ceremony. In the +month of May the streets are filled with white doves--young girls, +all in muslin and lace veils, going with their mothers or +chaperons to be confirmed. Here the duty of the godfather or the +godmother comes in; and if a child is an orphan, or has careless +or irreligious parents, the Church holds the godparent responsible +that these children be brought to the bishop to be confirmed. + +Notices of confirmation to be held are always given out in the +various churches some weeks prior to the event; and persons +desirous of being admitted to the rite are requested to make known +their wish and to give their names to their clergyman. Classes are +formed, and instruction and preparation given during the weeks +preceding the day which the bishop has appointed. In England a +noble English lady is as much concerned for her goddaughter +through all this important period as she is for her daughter. In +France the obligation is also considered sacred. We have known of +a lady who made the journey from Montpellier to Paris--although +she could scarcely afford the expense--to attend the confirmation +of her goddaughter, although the young girl had a father and +mother. + +It is a ceremony well worth seeing, either in England or France. +The girls walk in long processions through the streets; the dress +uniformly of white with long veils. Youths follow in black suits, +black ties, and gloves; they enter one aisle of the church, the +girls the other. When the time arrives for the laying on of hands, +the girls go first, two and two; they give their card or +certificate into the hands of the bishop's chaplain, who stands +near to receive them. The candidates kneel before the bishop, who +lays his hands severally on their heads. + +Of course persons not belonging to the Episcopal Church do not +observe this rite. But as a belief in baptism is almost universal, +there is no reason why the godfather and godmother should not be +chosen and adhered to. We always name our children, or we are apt +to, for some dear friend; and we would all gladly believe that +such a friendship, begun at the altar when he is being consecrated +to a Christian life, may go with him and be a help to the dear +little man. In our belligerent independence and our freedom from +creeds and cant we have thrown away too much, and can afford to +reassert our belief in and respect for a few old customs. + +Royalty has always been a respecter of these powers. King Edward +VI. and his sisters were each baptized when only three days old, +and the ceremony, which lasted between two and three days, took +place at night, by torch-light. The child was carried under a +canopy, preceded by gentlemen bearing in state the sponsors' +gifts, and attended by a flourish of trumpets. + +At a modern caudle party the invitations are sent out a week in +advance, and read thus: + +_"Mr. and Mrs. Brown request the pleasure of your company on +Tuesday afternoon, at three o'clock. 18 West Kent Street. Caudle. +'No presents are expected.'_" + +For the honor of being a godfather one receives a note in the +first person, asking the friend to assume that kindly office, and +also mentioning the fact that the name will be so and so. If the +baby is named for the godfather, a very handsome present is +usually made; if not, the godfather or godmother still sends some +little token of regard. This, however, is entirely a matter of +fancy. No one is obliged to give a present, of course. + +The baby at his christening is shown off in a splendid robe, very +much belaced and embroidered, and it is to be feared that it is a +day of disturbance for him. Babies should not be too much excited; +a quiet and humdrum existence, a not too showy nurse, and regular +hours are conducive to a good constitution for these delicate +visitors. The gay dresses and jingling ornaments of the Roman +nurses are now denounced by the foreign doctors as being too +exciting to the little eyes that are looking out on a new world. +They are very pretty and picturesque, and many a travelling mamma +goes into a large outlay for these bright colors and for the +peasant jewelry. The practice of making a child ride backward in a +push-wagon is also sternly denounced by modern physicians. + +Fashionable mammas who give caudle parties should remember that in +our harsh climate maternity is beset by much feebleness as to +nerves in both mother and child; therefore a long seclusion in the +nursery is advised before the dangerous period of entertaining +one's friends begins. Let the caudle party wait, and the +christening be done quietly in one's own bedroom, if the infant is +feeble. Show off the young stranger at a later date: an ounce of +prevention is worth a pound of cure. + +CHAPTER XXX. +THE MODERN DINNER-TABLE. + +The appointments of the modern dinner-table strikingly indicate +that growth of luxury of which the immediate past has been so +fruitful. Up to twenty years ago a dinner, even in the house of a +merchant prince, was a plain affair. There was a white tablecloth +of double damask; there were large, handsome napkins; there was a +rich service of solid silver, and perhaps some good china. +Flowers, if used at all, were not in profusion; and as for +glasses, only a few of plain white, or perhaps a green or a red +one for claret or hock, were placed at the side of the plate. + +Of course there were variations and exceptions to this rule, but +they were few and far between. One man, or often one maid-servant, +waited at the table; and, as a protection for the table-cloth, +mats were used, implying the fear that the dish brought from the +top of the kitchen-range, if set down, would leave a spot or +stain. All was on a simple or economical plan. The grand dinners +were served by caterers, who sent their men to wait at them, which +led to the remark, often laughed at as showing English stupidity, +made by the Marquis of Hartington when he visited New York at the +time of our war. As he looked at old Peter Van Dyck and his +colored assistants, whom he had seen at every house at which he +had dined, he remarked, "How much all your servants resemble each +other in America!" It was really an unintentional sarcasm, but it +might well have suggested to our _nouveaux riches_ the propriety +of having their own trained servants to do the work of their +houses instead of these outside men. A degree of elegance which we +have not as a nation even yet attained is that of having a +well-trained corps of domestic servants. + +A mistress of a house should be capable of teaching her servants +the method of laying a table and attending it, if she has to take, +as we commonly must, the uneducated Irishman from his native bogs +as a house-servant. If she employs the accomplished and +well-recommended foreign servant, he is too apt to disarrange her +establishment by disparaging the scale on which it is conducted, +and to engender a spirit of discontent in her household. Servants +of a very high class, who can assume the entire management of +affairs, are only possible to people of great wealth, and they +become tyrants, and wholly detestable to the master and mistress +after a short slavery. One New York butler lately refused to wash +dishes, telling his mistress that it would ruin his finger-nails. +But this man was a consummate servant, who laid the table and +attended it, with an ease and grace that gave his mistress that +pleasant feeling of certainty that all would go well, which is the +most comfortable of all feelings to a hostess, and without which +dinner-giving is annoyance beyond all words. + +The arrangement of a dinner-table and the waiting upon it are the +most important of all the duties of a servant or servants, and any +betrayal of ignorance, any nervousness or noise, any accident, are +to be deplored, showing as they do want of experience and lack of +training. + +No one wishes to invite his friends to be uncomfortable. Those +dreadful dinners which Thackeray describes, at which people with +small incomes tried to rival those of large means, will forever +remain in the minds of his readers as among the most painful of +all revelations of sham. We should be real first, and ornamental +afterwards. + +In a wealthy family a butler and two footmen are employed, and it +is their duty to work together in harmony, the butler having +control. The two footmen lay the table, the butler looking on to +see that it is properly done. The butler takes care of the wine, +and stands behind his mistress's chair. Where only one man is +employed, the whole duty devolves upon him, and he has generally +the assistance of the parlor-maid. Where there is only a +maid-servant, the mistress of the house must see that all +necessary arrangements are made. + +The introduction of the extension-table into our long, narrow +dining-rooms has led to the expulsion of the pretty round-table, +which is of all others the most cheerful. The extension-table, +however, is almost inevitable, and one of the ordinary size, with +two leaves added, will seat twelve people. The public caterers say +that every additional leaf gives room for four more people, but +the hostess, in order to avoid crowding, would be wise if she +tested this with her dining-room chairs. New York dinner-parties +are often crowded, sixteen being sometimes asked when the table +will only accommodate fourteen. This is a mistake, as heat and +crowding should be avoided. In country houses, or in Philadelphia, +Boston, Washington, and other cities where the dining-rooms are +ordinarily larger than those in a New York house, the danger of +crowding, of heat, and want of ventilation, is more easily +avoided; but in a gas-lighted, furnace-heated room in New York the +sufferings of the diners-out are sometimes terrible. + +The arrangements for the dinner, whether the party be ten or +twenty, should be the same. Much has been said about the number to +be invited, and there is an old saw that one should not invite +"fewer than the Graces nor more than the Muses." This partiality +to uneven numbers refers to the difficulty of seating a party of +eight, in which case, if the host and hostess take the head and +foot of the table, two gentlemen and two ladies will come +together. But the number of the Graces being three, no worse +number than that could be selected for a dinner-party; and nine +would be equally uncomfortable at an extension-table, as it would +be necessary to seat three on one side and four on the other. Ten +is a good number for a small dinner, and easy to manage. One +servant can wait on ten people, and do it well, if well-trained. +Twenty-four people often sit down at a modern dinner-table, and +are well served by a butler and two men, though some luxurious +dinner-givers have a man behind each chair. This, however, is +ostentation. + +A lady, if she issue invitations for a dinner of ten or twenty, +should do so a fortnight in advance, and should have her cards +engraved thus: + +_Mr. and Mrs. James Norman +request the pleasure of +Mr. and Mrs. John Brown's company at dinner +on Thursday, February eighth, +at seven o'clock._ + +These engraved forms, on note-paper, filled up with the necessary +time and date, are very convenient and elegant, and should be +answered by the fortunate recipient immediately, in the most +formal manner, and the engagement should be scrupulously kept if +accepted. If the subsequent illness or death of relatives, or any +other cause, renders this impossible, the hostess should be +immediately notified. + +A gentleman is never invited without his wife, nor a lady without +her husband, unless great intimacy exists between the parties, and +the sudden need of another guest makes the request imperative. + +The usual hour for dinner-parties in America is seven o'clock; but +whatever the hour, the guests should take care to be punctual to +the minute. In the hall the gentleman should find a card with his +name, and that of the lady whom he is to take in, written on it, +and also a small _boutonniere_, which he places in his +button-hole. On entering the drawing-room the lady goes first, not +taking her husband's arm. If the gentleman is not acquainted with +the lady whom he is to take in to dinner, he asks his hostess to +present him to her, and he endeavors to place himself on an +agreeeble footing with her before they enter the dining-room. + +When the last guest has arrived, dinner is ready, and the butler +makes his announcement. The host leads the way, with the lady to +whom the dinner is given, and the hostess follows last, with the +gentleman whom she wishes to honor. + +The people who enter a modern dining-room find a picture before +them, which is the result of painstaking thought, taste, and +experience, and, like all works of art, worthy of study. + +The first thought of the observer is, "What a splendid bit of +color!" The open-work, white tablecloth lies on a red ground, and +above it rests a mat of red velvet, embroidered with peacock's +feathers and gold lace. Above this stands a large silver salver or +oblong tray, lined with reflecting glass, on which Dresden swan +and silver lilies seem floating in a veritable lake. In the middle +of this long tray stands a lofty vase of silver or crystal, with +flowers and fruit cunningly disposed in it, and around it are +placed tropical vines. At each of the four corners of the table +stand four ruby glass flagons set in gold, standards of beautiful +and rare designs. Cups or silver-gilt vases, with centres of cut +glass, hold the bonbons and smaller fruits. Four candelabra hold +up red wax-candles with red shades, and flat, glass troughs, +filled with flowers, stand opposite each place, grouped in a +floral pattern. + +At each place, as the servant draws back the chair, the guest sees +a bewildering number of glass goblets, wine and champagne glasses, +several forks, knives, and spoons, and a majolica plate holding +oysters on the half shell, with a bit of lemon in the centre of +the plate. The napkin, deftly folded, holds a dinner-roll, which +the guest immediately removes. The servants then, seeing all the +guests seated, pass red and black pepper, in silver pepper-pots, +on a silver tray. A small, peculiarly-shaped fork is laid by each +plate, at the right hand, for the oysters. Although some ladies +now have all their forks laid on the left hand of the plate, this, +however, is not usual. After the oysters are eaten, the plates are +removed, and two kinds of soup are passed--a white and a brown +soup. + +During this part of the dinner the guest has time to look at the +beautiful Queen Anne silver, the handsome lamps, if lamps are used +(we may mention the fact that about twenty-six candles will well +light a dinner of sixteen persons), and the various colors of lamp +and candle shades. Then the beauty of the flowers, and, as the +dinner goes on, the variety of the modern Dresden china, the +Sevres, the Royal Worcester, and the old blue can be discussed and +admired. + +The service is _… la Russe_; that is, everything is handed by the +servants. Nothing is seen on the table except the wines (and only +a few of these), the bonbons, and the fruit. No greasy dishes are +allowed. Each lady has a bouquet, possibly a painted reticule of +silk filled with sugar-plums, and sometimes a pretty fan or ribbon +with her name or monogram painted on it. + +At his right hand each guest finds a goblet of elegantly-engraved +glass for water, two of the broad, flat, flaring shape of the +modern champagne glass (although some people are using the long +vase-like glass of the past for champagne), a beautiful Bohemian +green glass, apparently set with gems, for the hock, a ruby-red +glass for the claret, two other large white claret or Burgundy +glasses, and three wine-glasses of cut or engraved glass. +Harlequin glasses, which give to the table the effect of a bed of +tulips, are in fashion for those who delight in color and variety. + +The hostess may prefer the modern napery, so exquisitely +embroidered in gold thread, which affords an opportunity to show +the family coat of arms, or the heraldic animals--the lion and the +two-headed eagle and the griffin--intertwined in graceful shapes +around the whole edge of the table and on the napkins. + +As the dinner goes on the guest revels in unexpected surprises in +the beauty of the plates, some of which look as if made of solid +gold; and when the Roman punch is served it comes in the heart of +a red, red rose, or in the bosom of a swan, or the cup of a lily, +or the "right little, tight little" life-saying boat. Faience, +china, glass, and ice are all pressed into the service of the +Roman punch, and sometimes the prettiest dish of all is hewn out +of ice. + +We will try to see how all this picture is made, beginning at the +laying of the table, the process of which we will explain in +detail in the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI. LAYING THE DINNER-TABLE. + +The table, after being drawn out to its proper length, should be +covered with a cotton-flannel tablecloth--white, if the table-cover +is the ordinary damask; red, if the open work table-cover is to be +used. This broad cotton flannel can be bought for eighty cents a +yard. The table-cloth, if of white damask, should be perfectly +ironed, with one long fold down the middle, which must serve the +butler for his mathematical centre. No one can be astray in using +fine white damask. If a lady wishes to have the more rare Russian +embroidery, the gold embroidered on the open-work table-cloth, she +can do so, but let her not put any cloth on her table _that will not +wash_. The mixed-up things trimmed with velvet or satin or ribbon, +which are occasionally seen on vulgar tables, are detestable. + +The butler then lays the red velvet carpet, or mat, or ornamental +cover--whatever it may be called--down the centre of the table, to +afford a relief of color to the _‚pergne_. + +This is a mere fanciful adjunct, and may be used or not; but it has +a very pretty effect over an openwork, white table-cloth, with the +silver tray of the _‚pergne_ resting upon it. In many families there +are silver _‚pergnes_ which are heirlooms. These are now valued for +old association's sake; as are the silver candlesticks and silver +_compotiers_. But where a family does not possess these table +ornaments, a centre piece of glass is used. The flat basket of +flowers, over which the guests could talk, has been discarded, and +the ornaments of a dinner-table are apt to be high, including the +lamps and candelabra which at present replace gas. + +The table-cloth being laid, the centre and side ornaments placed, +the butler sees that each footman has a clean towel on his arm, and +then proceeds to unlock the plate chest and the glass closet. +Measuring with his hand, from the edge of the table to the end of +his middle finger, he places the first glass. This measurement is +continued around the table, and secures a uniform line for the water +goblet, and the claret, wine, hock, and champagne glasses, which are +grouped about it. He then causes a plate to be put at each place, +large enough to hold the majolica plate with the oysters, which will +come later. One footman is detailed to fold the napkins, which +should be large, thick, fine, and serviceable for this stage of the +dinner. The napkins are not folded in any hotel device, but simply +in a three-cornered pyramid that will stand holding the roll or +bread. The knives, forks, and spoons, each of which is wiped by the +footman with his clean towel, so that no dampness of his own hand +shall mar their sparkling cleanliness, are then distributed. These +should be all of silver; two knives, three forks, and a soup-spoon +being the usual number laid at each plate. + +Before each plate is placed a little salt-cellar, either of silver +or china, in some fanciful shape. Tiny wheelbarrows are much used. A +_carafe_ holding water should be put on very late, and be fresh from +the ice-chest. + +Very thin glasses are now used for choice sherry and Madeira, and +are not put on until the latter part of the dinner, as they may be +broken. + +Menu-holders or card-holders of china or silver are often placed +before each plate, to hold the card on which the name of the guest +is printed and the bill of fare from which he is to choose. These +may be dispensed with, however, and the menu and name laid on each +plate. + +The butler now turns his attention to his sideboards and tables, +from whence he is to draw his supplies. Many people make a most +ostentatious display of plate and china on their sideboards, and if +one has pretty things why not show them? The poorer and more modest +have, on their sideboards, simply the things which will be needed. +But there should be a row of large forks, a row of large knives, a +row of small ones, a row of table-spoons, sauce-ladles, dessert- +spoons, fish-slice and fork, a few tumblers, rows of claret, sherry, +and Madeira glasses, and the reserve of dinner-plates. + +On another table or sideboard should be placed the finger-bowls and +glass dessert-plates, the smaller spoons and coffee cups and +saucers. On the table nearest the door should be the carving-knives +and the first dinner-plates to be used. Here the head footman or the +butler divides the fish and carves the _piece de resistance_, the +fillet of beef, the haunch of venison, the turkey, or the saddle of +mutton. It is from this side-table that all the dinner should be +served; if the dining-room is small, the table can be placed in the +hall or adjacent pantry. As the fish is being served, the first +footman should offer Chablis, or some kind of white wine; with the +soup, sherry; with the roast, claret and champagne, each guest being +asked if he will have dry or sweet champagne. + +As the plates are removed they should not be kept in the dining- +room, but sent to the kitchen immediately, a maid standing outside +to receive them, so that no disorder of the dinner may reach the +senses of the guests, nor even an unpleasant odor. As each plate is +removed a fresh plate must be put in its place--generally a very +beautiful piece of Sevres, decorated with a landscape, flowers, or +faces. + +Sparkling wines, hock and champagne, are not decanted, but are kept +in ice-pails, and opened as required. On the sideboard is placed the +wine decanted for Use, and poured out as needed; after the game has +been handed, decanters of choice Madeira and port are placed before +the host, who sends them round to his guests. + +In England a very useful little piece of furniture, called a dinner- +wagon, is in order. This is a series of open shelves, on which are +placed the extra napkins or _serviettes_ to be used; for in England +the first heavy napkin is taken away, and a more delicate one +brought with the Roman punch, with the game another, and with the +ices still another. On this dinner-wagon are placed all the dessert- +plates and the finger-glasses. On the plate which is to serve for +the ice is a gold ice-spoon, and a silver dessert-knife and fork +accompany the finger-bowl and glass plate. This dinner-wagon also +holds the salad-bowl and spoon, of silver, the salad-plates, and the +silver bread-basket, in which should be thin slices of brown bread- +and-butter. A china dish in three compartments, with cheese and +butter and biscuits to be passed with the salad, the extra sauces, +the jellies for the meats, the relishes, the radishes and celery, +the olives and the sifted sugar-all things needed as accessaries of +the dinner-table-can be put on this dinner-wagon, or _‚tagere_, as +it is called in France. + +No table-spoons should be laid on the table, except those to be used +for soup, as the style of serving _… la Russe_ precludes their being +needed; and the extra spoons, cruets, and casters are put on the +sideboard. + +To wait on a large dinner-party the attendants average one to every +three people, and when only a butler and one footman are kept, it is +necessary to hire additional servants. + +Previous to the announcement of the dinner, the footman places the +soup-tureens and the soup-plates on the side-table. As soon as the +oysters are eaten, and the plates removed, the butler begins with +the soup, and sends it round by two footmen, one on each side, each +carrying two plates. Each footman should approach the guests on the +left, so that the right hand may be used for taking the plate. Half +a ladleful of soup is quite enough to serve. + +Some ladies never allow their butler to do anything but hand the +wine, which he does at the _right_ hand (not the left), asking each +person if he will have Sauterne, dry or sweet champagne, claret, +Burgundy, and so on. But really clever butlers serve the soup, +carve, and pour out the wine as well. An inexperienced servant +should never serve the wine; it must be done briskly and neatly, not +explosively or carelessly. The overfilling of the glass should be +avoided, and servants should be watched, to see that they give +champagne only to those who wish it, and that they do not overfill +glasses for ladies, who rarely drink anything. + +A large plate-basket or two, for removing dishes and silver that +have been used, are necessary, and should not be forgotten. The +butler rings a bell which communicates with the kitchen when he +requires anything, and after each _entr‚e_ or course he thus gives +the signal to the cook to send up another. + +Hot dinner-plates are prepared when the fish is removed, and on +these hot plates the butler serves all the meats; the guests are +also served with hot plates before the _entr‚es_, except _p t‚ de +foie gras_, for which a cold plate is necessary. + +Some discretion should be shown by the servant who passes the +_entr‚es_. A large table-spoon and fork should be placed on the +dish, and the dish then held low, so that the guest may help himself +easily, the servant standing at his left hand. He should always have +a small napkin over his hand as he passes a dish. A napkin should +also be wrapped around the champagne bottle, as it is often dripping +with moisture from the ice-chest. It is the butler's duty to make +the salad, which he should do about half an hour before dinner. +There are now so many provocatives of appetite that it would seem as +if we were all, after the manner of Heliogabalus, determined to eat +and die. The best of these is the Roman punch, which, coming after +the heavy roasts, prepares the palate and stomach for the canvas- +back ducks or other game. Then comes the salad and cheese, then the +ices and sweets, and then _cheese savourie_ or _cheese fondu_. This +is only toasted cheese, in a very elegant form, and is served in +little silver shells, sometimes as early in the dinner as just after +the oysters, but the favorite time is after the sweets. + +The dessert is followed by the _liqueurs_, which should be poured +into very small glasses, and handed by the butler on a small silver +waiter. When the ices are removed, a dessert-plate of glass, with a +finger-bowl, is placed before each person, with two glasses, one for +sherry, the other for claret or Burgundy, and the grapes, peaches, +pears, and other fruits are then passed. After the fruits go round, +the sugar-plums and a little dried ginger--a very pleasant conserve +--are passed before the coffee. + +The hostess makes the sign for retiring, and the dinner breaks up. +The gentlemen are left to wine and cigars, _liqueurs_ and cognac, +and the ladies retire to the drawing-room to chat and take their +coffee. + +In the selection of the floral decoration for the table the lady of +the house has the final voice. Flowers which have a very heavy +fragrance should not be used. That roses and pinks, violets and +lilacs, are suitable, goes without saying, for they are always +delightful; but the heavy tropical odors of jasmine, orange-blossom, +hyacinth, and tuberose should be avoided. A very pretty decoration +is obtained by using flowers of one color, such as Jacqueminot +roses, or scarlet carnations, which, if placed in the gleaming +crystal glass, produce a very brilliant and beautiful effect. + +Flowers should not be put on the table until just before dinner is +served, as they are apt to be wilted by the heat and the lights. + +We have used the English term footman to indicate what is usually +called a waiter in this country. A waiter in England is a hired +hotel-hand, not a private servant. + +Much taste and ingenuity are expended on the selection of favors for +ladies, and these pretty fancies--_bonbonnieres_, painted ribbons +and reticules, and fans covered with flowers--add greatly to the +elegance and luxury of our modern dinner-table. + +A less reasonable conceit is that of having toys--such as imitation +musical instruments, crackers which make an unpleasant detonation, +imitations of negro minstrels, balloons, flags, and pasteboard +lobsters, toads, and insects--presented to each lady. These articles +are neither tasteful nor amusing, and have "no excuse for being" +except that they afford an opportunity for the expenditure of more +money. + +CHAPTER XXXII. FAVORS AND BONBONNIERES. + +Truly "the world is very young for its age." We are never too old to +admire a pretty favor or a tasteful _bonbonniere_; and, looking back +over the season, we remember, as among the most charming of the +favors, those with flowers painted upon silken banners, with the +owner's name intertwined. The technical difficulties of painting +upon silk are somewhat conquered, one would think, in looking at the +endless devices composed of satin and painted flowers on the lunch- +tables. Little boxes covered with silk, in eight and six sided +forms, with panels let in, on which are painted acorns and oak +leaves, rosebuds or lilies, and always the name or the cipher of the +recipient, are very pretty. The Easter-egg has long been a favorite +offering in silk, satin, plush, and velvet, in covered, egg-shaped +boxes containing bonbons; these, laid in a nest of gold and silver +threads in a _cloisonn‚_ basket, afford a very pretty souvenir to +carry home from a luncheon. + +Menu-holders of delicate gilt-work are also added to the other +favors. These pretty little things sometimes uphold a photograph, or +a porcelain plate on which is painted the lady's name, and also a +few flowers. The little porcelain cards are not larger than a +visiting-card, and are often very artistic. The famous and familiar +horseshoe, in silver or silver-gilt, holding up the menu-card, is +another pretty favor, and a very nice one to carry home, as it +becomes a penholder when it is put on the writing-table. Wire rests, +shaped like those used for muskets in barracks yards, are also used +for the name and menu-cards. Plateaus, shells, baskets, figurettes, +vases holding flowers, dolphins, Tritons, swan, sea animals (in +crockery), roses which open and disclose the sugarplums, sprays of +coral, and gilt conch-shells, are all pretty, especially when filled +with flowers. + +Baskets in various styles are often seen. One tied with a broad +ribbon at the side is very useful as a work-basket afterwards. +Open-work baskets, lined with crimson or scarlet or pink or blue +plush, with another lining of silver paper to protect the plums, are +very tasteful. A very pretty basket is one hung between three gilt +handles or poles, and filled with flowers or candies. Silvered and +gilded beetles, or butterflies, fastened on the outside, have a +fanciful effect. + +Moss-covered trays holding dried grasses and straw, and piles of +chocolates that suggest ammunition, are decorative and effective. + +Wheelbarrows of tiny size for flowers are a favorite conceit. They +are made of straw-work, entirely gilded, or painted black or brown, +and picked out with gold; or perhaps pale green, with a bordering of +brown. A very pretty one may be made of old cigarbox wood; on one +side a monogram painted in red and gold, on the other a spray of +autumn leaves. Carved-wood barrows fitted with tin inside may hold a +growing plant--stephanotis, hyacinths, ferns, ivy, or any other +hardy plant--and are very pleasing souvenirs. + +The designs for reticules and _chƒtelaines_ are endless. At a very +expensive luncheon, to which twenty-four ladies sat down, a silk +reticule a foot square, filled with Maillard's confections and +decorated with an exquisitely painted landscape effect, was +presented to each guest. These lovely reticules may be any shape, +and composed of almost any material. A very handsome style is an +eight-sided, melon-shaped bag of black satin, with a decoration of +bunches of scarlet flowers painted or embroidered. Silk braided with +gold, brocade, and plush combined, and Turkish towelling with an +_applique‚_ of brilliant color, are all suitable and effective. + +In the winter a shaded satin muff, in which was hidden a +_bonbonniere_, was the present that made glad the hearts of twenty- +eight ladies. These are easily made in the house, and a plush muff +with a bird's head is a favorite "favor." + +A pair of bellows is a pretty and inexpensive _bonbonniere_. They +can be bought at the confectioner's, and are more satisfactory than +when made at home; but if one is ingenious, it is possible, with a +little pasteboard, gilt paper, silk, and glue, to turn out a very +pretty little knickknack of this kind. However, the French do these +things so much better than we do that a lady giving a lunch-party +had better buy all her favors at some wholesale place. There is a +real economy in buying such articles at the wholesale stores, for +the retail dealers double the price. + +Bronze, iron, and glass are all pressed into the service, and +occasionally we have at a lunch a whole military armament of cannon, +muskets, swords, bronze helmets, whole suits of armor, tazza for +jewellery, miniature cases, inkstands, and powder-boxes, all to hold +a few sugar-plums. + +At a christening party all the favors savor of the nursery--splendid +cradles of flowers, a bassinet of brilliante trimmed with ribbons +for a _bonbonniere_, powder-boxes, puffs, little socks filled with +sugar instead of little feet, an infant's cloak standing on end +(really over pasteboard), an infant's hood, and even the flannel +shirt has been copied. Of course the baptismal dish and silver cup +are easily imitated. + +Perfumery is introduced in little cut-glass bottles, in leaden tubes +like paint tubes, in perfumed artificial flowers, in _sachets_ of +powder, and in the handles of fans. + +Boxes of satinwood, small wood covers for music and blotting cases, +painted by hand, are rather pretty favors. The plain boxes and book +covers can be bought and ornamented by the young artists of the +family. Nothing is prettier than an owl sitting on an ivy vine for +one of these. The owl, indeed, plays a very conspicuous part at the +modern dinner-table and luncheon. His power of looking wise and +being foolish at the same time fits him for modern society. He +enters it as a pepper-caster, a feathered _bonbonniere_, a pickle- +holder (in china), and is drawn, painted, and photographed in every +style. A pun is made on his name: "Should owled acquaintance be +forgot?" etc. He is a favorite in jewellery, and is often carved in +jade. Indeed, the owl is having his day, having had the night always +to himself. + +The squirrel, the dog, "the frog that would a-wooing go," the white +duck, the pig, and the mouse, are all represented in china, and in +the various silks and gauzes of French taste, or in their native +skins, or in any of the disguises that people may fancy. Bears with +ragged staffs stand guard over a plate of modern faience, as they do +over the gates of Warwick Castle. Cats mewing, catching mice, +playing on the Jews-harp, elephants full of choicest confectionery, +lions and tigers with chocolate insides, and even the marked face +and long hair of Oscar Wilde, the last holding within its ample +cranium caraway-seeds instead of brains, played their part as +favors. + +The green enamelled dragon-fly, grasshoppers and beetles, flies and +wasps, moths and butterflies, bright-tinted mandarin ducks, +peacocks, and ostriches, tortoises cut in pebbles or made of +pasteboard, shrimps and crabs, do all coldly furnish forth the +lunch-table as favors and _bonbonnieres_. Then come plaster or +pasteboard gondolas, skiffs, wherries, steamships, and ferry-boats, +all made with wondrous skill and freighted with caramels. Imitation +rackets, battledoor and shuttlecock, hoops and sticks, castanets, +cup and ball, tambourines, guitars, violins, hand-organs, banjos, +and drums, all have their little day as fashionable favors. + +Little statuettes of Kate Greenaway's quaint children now appear as +favors, and are very charming. Nor is that "flexible curtain," the +fan, left out. Those of paper, pretty but not expensive, are very +common favors. But the opulent offer pretty satin fans painted with +the recipient's monogram, or else a fan which will match flowers and +dress. Fans of lace, and of tortoise-shell and carved ivory and +sandal-wood, are sometimes presented, but they are too ostentatious. +Let us say to the givers of feasts, be not too magnificent, but if +you give a fan, give one that is good for something, not a thing +which breaks with the "first fall." + +A very pretty set of favors, called "fairies," are little groups of +children painted on muslin, with a background of ribbon. The muslin +is so thin that the children seem floating on air. The lady's name +is also painted on the ribbon. + +We find that favors for gentlemen, such as sunflowers, pin-cushions, +small purses, scarf-pins, and sleeve-buttons, are more useful than +those bestowed upon ladies, but not so ornamental. + +Very pretty baskets, called _huits_ (the baskets used by the vine- +growers to carry earth for the roots of the vines), are made of +straw ornamented with artificial flowers and grasses, and filled +with bonbons. + +Little Leghorn hats trimmed with pompons of muslin, blue, pink, or +white, are filled with natural flowers and hung on the arm. These +are a lovely variation. + +Fruits--the apple, pear, orange, and plum, delightfully realistic-- +are made of composition, and open to disclose most unexpected seeds. + +At trowel, a knife, fork, and spoon, of artistically painted wood, +and a pair of oars, all claim a passing notice as artistic +novelties. + +Bags of plush, and silk embroidered with daisies, are very handsome +and expensive favors; heavily trimmed with lace, they cost four +dollars apiece, but are sold a little cheaper by the dozen. Blue +sashes, with flowers painted on paper (and attached to the sash a +paper on which may be written the menu), cost eighteen dollars a +dozen. A dish of snails, fearfully realistic, can be bought for one +dollar a plate, fruits for eighteen dollars a dozen, and fans +anywhere from twelve up to a hundred dollars a dozen. + +A thousand dollars is not an unusual price for a luncheon, including +flowers and favors, for eighteen to twenty-four guests. Indeed, a +luncheon was given last winter for which the hostess offered a prize +for copies in miniature of the musical instruments used in +"Patience." They were furnished to her for three hundred dollars. +The names of these now almost obsolete instruments were rappaka, +tibia, archlute, tambour, kiffar, quinteme, rebel, tuckin, +archviola, lyre, serpentine, chluy, viola da gamba, balalaika, gong, +ravanastron, monochord, shopkar. The "archlute" is the mandolin. +They represented all countries, and were delicate specimens of toy +handiwork. + +We have not entered into the vast field of glass, china, porcelain, +_cloisonn‚_, Dresden, faience jugs, boxes, plates, bottles, and +vases, which are all used as favors. Indeed, it would be impossible +to describe half of the fancies which minister to modern +extravagance. The _bonbonniere_ can cost anything, from five to five +hundred dollars; fifty dollars for a satin box filled with candy is +not an uncommon price. Sometimes, when the box is of oxidized +silver--a quaint copy of the antique from Benvenuto Cellini--this +price is not too much; but when it is a thing which tarnishes in a +month, it seems ridiculously extravagant. + +We have seen very pretty and artistic cheap favors. Reticules made +of bright cotton, or silk handkerchiefs with borders; cards painted +by the artists of the family; palm-leaf fans covered with real +flowers, or painted with imitation ones; sunflowers made of +pasteboard, with portfolios behind them; pretty little parasols of +flowers; Little Red Riding-hood, officiating as a receptacle for +stray pennies; Japanese teapots, with the "cozy" made at home; +little doyleys wrought with delightful designs from "Pretty Peggy," +and numberless other graceful and charming trifles. + +CHAPTER XXXIII. DINNER-TABLE NOVELTIES. + +One would think that modern luxury had reached its ultimatum in the +delicate refinements of dinner-giving, but each dinner-table reveals +the fact that this is an inexhaustible subject. The floral world is +capable of an infinity of surprises, and the last one is a cameo of +flowers on a door, shaped like a four-leaved clover. The guests are +thus assured of good-luck. The horseshoe having been so much used +that it is now almost obsolete, except in jewelry, the clover-leaf +has come in. A very beautiful dinner far up Fifth Avenue had this +winter an entirely new idea, inasmuch as the flowers were put +overhead. The delicate vine, resembling green asparagus in its +fragility, was suspended from the chandelier to the four corners of +the room, and on it were hung delicate roses, lilies-of-the-valley, +pinks, and fragrant jasmine, which sent down their odors, and +occasionally dropped themselves into a lady's lap. This is an +exquisite bit of luxury. + +Then the arrival, two months before Easter, of the fragrant, +beautiful Easter lilies has added a magnificent and stately effect +to the central bouquets. It has been found that the island of +Bermuda is a great reservoir of these bulbs, which are sent up, like +their unfragrant rivals the onions, by the barrelful. Even a piece +of a bulb will produce from three to five lilies, so that these fine +flowers are more cheap and plenty in January than usually in April. +A dining-room, square in shape, hung with richly-embroidered, old- +gold tapestry, with a round table set for twenty, with silver and +glass and a great bunch of lilies and green ferns in the middle, and +a "crazy quilt" of flowers over one's head, may well reproduce the +sense of dreamland which modern luxury is trying to follow. + +Truly we live in the days of Aladdin. Six weeks after the ground was +broken in Secretary Whitney's garden in Washington for his ballroom, +the company assembled in a magnificent apartment with fluted gold- +ceiling and crimson brocade hangings, bronzes, statues, and Dresden +candlesticks, and a large wood fire at one end, in which logs six +feet long were burning--all looking as if it were part of an old +baronial castle of the Middle Ages. + +The florists will furnish you red clovers in January if you give +your order in October. Great bunches of flowers, of a pure scarlet +unmixed with any other color, are very fashionable, and the effect +in a softly-lighted room is most startling and beautiful. + +The lighting of rooms by means of lamps and candles is giving +hostesses great annoyance. There is scarcely a dinner-party but the +candles set fire to their fringed shades, and a conflagration +ensues. Then the new lamps, which give such a resplendent light, +have been known to melt the metal about the wick, and the +consequences have been disastrous. The next move will probably be +the dipping of the paper in some asbestos or other anti-inflammable +substance, so that there will be no danger of fire at the dinner- +table. The screens put over the candles should not have this paper- +fringe; it is very dangerous. But if a candle screen takes fire, +have the coolness to let it burn itself up without touching it, as +thus it will be entirely innocuous, although rather appalling to +look at. Move a plate under it to catch the flying fragments, and no +harm will be done; but a well-intentioned effort to blow it out or +to remove it generally results in a very much more wide-spread +conflagration. + +China and glass go on improving; and there are jewelled goblets and +centre-pieces of yellow glass covered with gold and what looks like +jewels. Knives and forks are now to be had with crystal handles set +in silver, very ornamental and clean-looking; these come from +Bohemia. The endless succession of beautiful plates are more and +more Japanese in tone. + +Satsuma vases and jugs are often sent to a lady, full of beautiful +roses, thus making a lasting souvenir of what would be a perishable +gift. These Satsuma jugs are excellent things in which to plant +hyacinths, and they look well in the centre of the dinner-table with +these flowers growing in them. + +Faded flowers can be entirely restored to freshness by clipping the +stems and putting them in very hot water; then set them away from +the gas and furnace heat, and they come on the dinner-table fresh +for several days after their disappearance in disgrace as faded or +jaded bouquets. Flowers thus restored have been put in a cold +library, where the water, once hot, has frozen stiff, and yet have +borne these two extremes of temperature without loss of beauty--in +fact, have lasted presentably from Monday morning to Saturday night. +What flowers cannot stand is the air we all live in--at what cost to +our freshness we find out in the spring--the overheated furnace and +gas-laden air of the modern dining-room. The secret of the hot-water +treatment is said to be this: the sap is sent up into the flower +instead of lingering in the stems. Roses respond to this treatment +wonderfully. + +The fashion of wearing low-necked dresses at dinner has become so +pronounced that the moralists begin to issue weekly essays against +this revival as if it had never been done before. Our virtuous +grandmothers would be astonished to hear that their ball-dresses +(never cut high) were so immoral and indecent. The fact remains that +a sleeveless gown, cut in a Pompadour form, is far more of a +revelation of figure than a low-necked dinner-dress properly made. +There is no line of the figure so dear to the artist as that one +revealed from the nape of the neck to the shoulder. A beautiful back +is the delight of the sculptor. No lady who understands the fine-art +of dress would ever have her gown cut too low: it is ugly, besides +being immodest. The persons who bring discredit on fashion are those +who misinterpret it. The truly artistic modiste cuts a low-necked +dress to reveal the fine lines of the back, but it is never in +France cut too low in front. The excessive heat of an American +dining-room makes this dress very much more comfortable than the +high dresses which were brought in several years ago, because a +princess had a goitre which she wished to disguise: + +No fulminations against fashion have ever effected reforms. We must +take fashion as we find it, and strive to mould dress to our own +style, not slavishly adhering to, but respectfully following, the +reigning mode, remembering that all writings and edicts against this +sub-ruler of the world are like sunbeams falling on a stone wall. +The sunbeams vanish, but the stone wall remains. + +The modern married belle at a dinner is apt to be dressed in white, +with much crystal trimming, with feathers in her hair, and with +diamonds on her neck and arms, and a pair of long, brown Swedish +gloves drawn up to her shoulders; a feather fan of ostrich feathers +hangs at her side by a ribbon or a chain of diamonds and pearls. The +long, brown Swedish gloves are an anomaly; they do not suit the rest +of this exquisite dress, but fashion decrees that they shall be +worn, and therefore they are worn. + +The fine, stately fashion of wearing feathers in the hair has +returned, and it is becoming to middle-aged women. It gives them a +queenly air. Young girls look better for the simplest head-gear; +they wear their hair high or low as they consider becoming. + +Monstrous and inconvenient bouquets are again the fashion, and a +very ugly fashion it is. A lady does not know what to do with her +two or three bouquets at a musicale or a dinner, so they are laid +away on a table. The only thing that can be done is to sit after +dinner with them in her lap, and the _prima donna_ at a musicale +lays hers on the grand piano. + +More and more is it becoming the fashion to have music at the end of +a dinner in the drawing-room, instead of having it played during +dinner. Elocutionists are asked in to amuse the guests, who, having +been fed on terrapin and canvas-back ducks, are not supposed to be +in a talking mood. This may be overdone. Many people like to talk +after dinner with the people who are thus accidentally brought +together; for in our large cities the company assembled about a +dinner-table are very often fresh acquaintances who like to improve +that opportunity to know each other better. + +We have spoken of the dress of ladies, which, if we were to pursue, +would lead us into all the details of velvet, satin, and brocade, +and would be a departure from our subject; let us therefore glance +at the gentlemen at a modern, most modern, dinner. The vests are cut +very low, and exhibit a piqu‚ embroidered shirt front held by one +stud, generally a cat's-eye; however, three studs are permissible. +White plain-pleated linen, with enamel studs resembling linen, is +also very fashionable. A few young men, sometimes called dudes--no +one knows why--wear pink coral studs or pearls, generally black +pearls. Elderly gentlemen content themselves with plain-pleated +shirt-fronts and white ties, indulging even in wearing their watches +in the old way, as fashion has reintroduced the short vest-chain so +long banished. + +It is pleasant to see the old-fashioned gold chain for the neck +reappearing. It always had a pretty effect, and is now much worn to +support the locket, cross, or medallion portrait which ladies wear +after the Louis Quinze fashion. Gold is more becoming to dark +complexions than pearls, and many ladies hail this return to gold +necklaces with much delight. + +Gentlemen now wear pearl-colored gloves embroidered in black to +dinners, and do not remove them until they sit down to table. Seal +rings for the third finger are replacing the sunken jewels in dead +gold which have been so fashionable for several years for gentlemen. + +All the ornamentation of the dinner-table is high this winter--high +candlesticks, high vases, high glasses for the flowers, and tall +glass compotiers. Salt-cellars are looking up; and a favorite device +is a silver vase, about two inches high, with a shell for salt. + +Silver and silver-gilt dishes, having been banished for five years, +are now reasserting their pre-eminent fitness for the modern dinner- +table. People grew tired of silver, and banished it to the plate- +chest. Now all the old pieces are being burnished up and +reappearing; and happy the hostess who has some real old Queen Anne. +As the silver dollar loses caste, the silver soup tureen, or, as the +French say, the _soupiere_ (and it is a good word), rises in +fashion, and the teapot of our grandmothers resumes its honored +place. + +CHAPTER XXXIV. SUMMER DINNERS. + +There is a season when the lingerers in town accept with pleasure an +invitation to the neighboring country house, where the lucky +suburban cit likes to entertain his friends. It is to be doubted, +however, whether hospitality is an unmixed pleasure to those who +extend it. With each blessing of prosperity comes an attendant evil, +and a lady who has a country house has always to face the fact that +her servants are apt to decamp in a body on Saturday night, and +leave her to take care of her guests as best she may. The nearer to +town the greater the necessity for running a servant's omnibus, +which shall take the departing offender to the train, and speed the +arrival of her successor. + +No lady should attempt to entertain in the country who has not a +good cook and a very competent waiter or waitress. The latter, if +well trained, is in every respect as good as a man, and in some +respects more desirable; women-servants are usually quiet, neater +than men-servants, as a rule, and require less waiting upon. Both +men and women should be required to wear shoes that do not creak, +and to be immaculately neat in their attire. Maid-servants should +always wear caps and white aprons, and men dress-coats, white +cravats, and perfectly fresh linen. + +As the dinners of the opulent, who have butler, waiters, French +cook, etc., are quite able to take care of themselves, we prefer to +answer the inquiries of those of our correspondents who live in a +simple manner, with two or three servants, and who wish to entertain +with hospitality and without great expense. + +The dining-room of many country houses is small, and not cheerfully +furnished. The houses built recently are improved in this respect, +however, and now we will imagine a large room that has a pretty +outlook on the Hudson, carpeted with fragrant matting, or with a +hard-wood floor, on which lie India rugs. The table should be oval, +as that shape brings guests near to each other. The table-cloth +should be of white damask, and as fresh as sweet clover, for dinner: +colored cloths are permissible only for breakfast and tea. The +chairs should be easy, with high, slanting backs. For summer, cane +chairs are much the most comfortable, although those covered with +leather are very nice. Some people prefer arm-chairs at dinner, but +the arms are inconvenient to many, and, besides, take a great deal +of room. The armless dinner-chairs are the best. + +Now, as a dinner in the country generally occurs after the gentlemen +come from town, the matter of light has to be considered. If our +late brilliant sunsets do not supply enough, how shall we light our +summer dinners? Few country houses have gas. Even if they have, it +would be very hot, and attract mosquitoes. + +Candles are very pretty, but exceedingly troublesome. The wind blows +the flame to and fro; the insects flutter into the light; an unhappy +moth seats himself on the wick, and burning into an unsightly +cadaver makes a gutter down one side; the little red-paper shades +take fire, and there is a general conflagration. Yet light is +positively necessary to digestion, and no party can be cheerful +without it. Therefore, try carcel or moderator lamps with pretty +transparent shades, or a hanging lamp with ground-glass shade. These +lamps, filled with kerosene--and it must be done neatly, so that it +will not smell--are the best lamps for the country dinner. If +possible, however, have a country dinner by the light of day; it is +much more cheerful. + +Now for the ornamentation of the dinner. Let it be of flowers--wild +ones, if possible, grasses, clovers, buttercups, and a few fragrant +roses or garden flowers. There is no end to the cheap decorative +china articles that are sold now for the use of flowers. A +contemporary mentions orchids placed in baskets on the shoulders of +Arcadian peasants; lilies-of-the-valley, with leaves as pale as +their flowers, wheeled in barrows by Cupids or set in china +slippers; crocuses grown in a china pot shaped like a thumbed copy +of Victor Hugo's "Notre Dame de Paris;" or white tulips in a cluster +of three gilt _sabots_, large enough to form a capital flower-stand, +mounted on gilt, rustic branches. Stout pitchers, glass bowls, china +bowls, and even old teapots, make pretty bouquet-holders. The Greek +vase, the classic-shaped, old-fashioned champagne glass, are, +however, unrivalled for the light grasses, field daisies, and fresh +garden flowers. + +Pretty, modern English china, the cheap "old blue," the white and +gold, or the French, with a colored border, are all good enough for +a country dinner; for if people have two houses, they do not like to +take their fragile, expensive china to the country. Prettily-shaped +tureens and vegetable dishes add very much to the comfort and +happiness of the diners, and fortunately they are cheap and easily +obtained. Glass should always be thin and fine, and tea and coffee +cups delicate to the lip: avoid the thick crockery of a hotel. + +For a country dinner the table should be set near a window, or +windows, if possible; in fine weather, in the hall or on the wide +veranda. If the veranda have long windows, the servant can pass in +and out easily. There should be a side-board and a side, table, +relays of knives, forks and spoons, dishes and glasses not in use, +and a table from which the servant can help the soup and carve the +joint, as on a hot day no one wishes to see these two dishes on the +table. A maid-servant should be taught by her mistress how to carve, +in order to save time and trouble. Soup for a country dinner should +be clear bouillon, with macaroni and cheese, _creme d'asperge_, or +Julienne, which has in it all the vegetables of the season. Heavy +mock-turtle, bean soup, or ox-tail are not in order for a country +dinner. If the lady of the house have a talent for cookery, she +should have her soups made the day before, all the grease removed +when the stock is cold, and season them herself. + +It is better in a country house to have some cold dish that will +serve as a resource if the cook should leave. Melton veal, which can +be prepared on Monday and which will last until Saturday, is an +excellent stand-by; and a cold boiled or roast ham should always be +on the side-board. A hungry man can make a comfortable dinner of +cold ham and a baked potato. + +Every country householder should try to have a vegetable garden, for +pease, beans, young turnips, and salads fresh gathered are very +superior to those which even the best grocer furnishes. And of all +the luxuries of a country dinner the fresh vegetables are the +greatest. Especially does the tired citizen, fed on the esculents of +the corner grocery, delight in the green pease, the crisp lettuce, +the undefiled strawberries. One old epicure of New York asks of his +country friends only a piece of boiled salt pork with vegetables, a +potato salad, some cheese, five large strawberries, and a cup of +coffee. The large family of salads help to make the country dinner +delightful. Given a clear beef soup, a slice of fresh-boiled salmon, +a bit of spring lamb with mint sauce, some green pease and fresh +potatoes, a salad of lettuce, or sliced tomatoes, or potatoes with a +bit of onion, and you have a dinner fit for a Brillat-Savarin; or +vary it with a pair of boiled chickens, and a _jardiniere_ made of +all the pease, beans, potatoes, cauliflower, fresh beets, of the day +before, simply treated to a bath of vinegar and oil and pepper and +salt. The lady who has conquered the salad question may laugh at the +caprices of cooks, and defy the hour at which the train leaves. + +What so good as an egg salad for a hungry company? Boil the eggs +hard and slice them, cover with a _mayonnaise_ dressing, and put a +few lettuce leaves about the plate, and you have a sustaining meal. + +Many families have cold meats and warm vegetables for their midday +dinner during the summer. This is not healthy. Let all the dinner be +cold if the meats are; and a dinner of cold roast beef, of salad, +and cold asparagus, dressed with pepper, oil, and vinegar, is not a +bad meal. + +It is better for almost everybody, however, to eat a hot dinner, +even in hot weather, as the digestion is aided by the friendly power +of the caloric. Indeed dyspepsia, almost universal with Americans, +is attributed to the habit which prevails in this country above all +others of drinking ice-water. + +_Carafes_ of ice-water, a silver dish for ice, and a pair of ice- +tongs, should be put on the table for a summer dinner. For desserts +there is an almost endless succession, and with cream in her dairy, +and a patent ice-cream freezer in her _cuisine_, the house-keeper +need not lack delicate and delicious dishes of berries and fruits. +No hot puddings should be served, or heavy pies; but the fruit tart +is an excellent sweet, and should be made _… ravir_; the pastry +should melt in the mouth, and the fruit be stewed with a great deal +of sugar. Cream should be put on the table in large glass pitchers, +for it is a great luxury of the country and of the summer season. + +The cold custards, Charlotte-Russe, and creams stiffened with +gelatine and delicately flavored, are very nice for a summer dinner. +So is home-made cake, when well made: this, indeed, is always its +only "excuse for being." + +Stewed fruit is a favorite dessert in England, and the gooseberry, +which here is but little used, is much liked there. Americans prefer +to eat fruit fresh, and therefore have not learned to stew it. +Stewing is, however, a branch of cookery well worth the attention of +a first-class house-keeper. It makes even the canned abominations +better, and the California canned apricot stewed with sugar is one +of the most delightful of sweets, and very wholesome; canned peaches +stewed with sugar lose the taste of tin, which sets the teeth on +edge, and stewed currants are delicious. + +Every house-keeper should learn to cook macaroni well. It is worth +while to spend an hour at Martinelli's, for this Italian staple is +economical, and extremely palatable if properly prepared. Rice, too, +should have a place in a summer bill of fare, as an occasional +substitute for potatoes, which some people cannot eat. + +For summer dinners there should never be anything on the table when +the guests sit down but the flowers and the dessert, the ice- +pitchers or _carafes_, and bowls of ice, the glass, china, and +silver: the last three should all be simple, and not profuse. + +Many families now, fearing burglars, use only plated spoons, knives, +forks, and dishes at their country houses. Modern plate is so very +good that there is less objection to this than formerly; but the +genuine house-keeper loves the real silver spoons and forks, and +prefers to use them. + +The ostentatious display of silver, however, is bad taste at a +country dinner. Glass dishes are much more elegant and appropriate, +and quite expensive enough to bear the title of luxuries. + +Avoid all greasy and heavy dishes. Good roast beef, mutton, lamb, +veal, chickens, and fresh fish are always in order, for the system +craves the support of these solids in summer as well as in winter; +but do not offer pork, unless in the most delicate form, and then in +small quantities. Fried salt pork, if not too fat, is always a +pleasant addition to the broiled bird. + +Broiled fish, broiled chicken, broiled ham, broiled steaks and +chops, are always satisfactory. The grid-iron made St. Lawrence fit +for Heaven, and its qualities have been elevating and refining ever +since. Nothing can be less healthy or less agreeable to the taste at +a summer dinner than fried food. The frying-pan should have been +thrown into the fire long ago, and burned up. + +The house-keeper living near the sea has an ample store to choose +from in the toothsome crab, clam, lobster, and other crustacea. The +fresh fish, the roast clams, etc., take the place of the devilled +kidneys and broiled bones of the winter. But every housewife should +study the markets of her neighborhood. In many rural districts the +butchers give away, or throw to the dogs, sweetbreads and other +morsels which are the very essence of luxury. Calf's head is +rejected by the rural buyer, and a Frenchman who had the +_physiologie du go–t_ at his finger-ends, declared that in a country +place, not five miles from New York, he gave luxurious dinners on +what the butcher threw away. + +CHAPTER XXXV. LUNCHEONS, INFORMAL AND SOCIAL. + +The informal lunch is perhaps less understood in this country than +in any other, because it is rarely necessary. In the country it is +called early dinner, children's dinner, or ladies' dinner; in the +city, when the gentlemen are all down town, then blossoms out the +elaborate ladies' lunch. + +But in England, at a country house, and indeed in London, luncheon +is a recognized and very delightful meal, at which the most +distinguished men and women meet over a joint and a cherry tart, and +talk and laugh for an hour without the restraint of the late and +formal dinner. + +It occupies a prominent place in the history of hospitality, and +Lord Houghton, among others, was famous for his unceremonious +lunches. As it is understood to be an informal meal, the invitations +are generally sent only a short time before the day for which the +recipient is invited, and are written in the first person. Lord +Houghton's were apt to be simply, "Come and lunch with me to-morrow." +At our prominent places of summer resort, ladies who have +houses of their own generally give their male friends a _carte +blanche_ invitation to luncheon. They are expected to avail +themselves of it without ceremony, and at Newport the table is +always laid with the "extra knife and fork," or two or three, as may +be thought necessary. Ladies, however, should be definitely asked to +this meal as to others. + +It is a very convenient meal, as it permits of an irregular number, +of a superfluity of ladies or gentlemen; it is chatty and easy, and +is neither troublesome nor expensive. + +The hour of luncheon is stated, but severe punctuality is not +insisted upon. A guest who is told that he may drop in at half-past +one o'clock every day will be forgiven if he comes as late as two. + +Ladies may come in their hats or bonnets; gentlemen in lawn-tennis +suits, if they wish. It is incumbent upon the hostess but not upon +the host to be present. It is quite immaterial where the guests sit, +and they go in separately, not arm-in-arm. + +Either white or colored table-cloths are equally proper, and some +people use the bare mahogany, but this is unusual. + +The most convenient and easy-going luncheons are served from the +buffet or side-table, and the guests help themselves to cold ham, +tongue, roast beef, etc. The fruit and wine and bread should stand +on the table. + +Each chair has in front of it two plates, a napkin with bread, two +knives, two forks and spoons, a small salt-cellar, and three +glasses--a tumbler for water, a claret glass, and a sherry glass. + +Bouillon is sometimes offered in summer, but not often. If served +well, it should be in cups. Dishes of dressed salad, a cold fowl, +game, or hot chops, can be put before the hostess or passed by the +servant. Soup and fish are never offered at these luncheons. Some +people prefer a hot lunch, and chops, birds on toast, or a +beefsteak, with mashed potatoes, asparagus, or green pease, are +suitable dishes. + +It is proper at a country place to offer a full luncheon, or to have +a cold joint on the sideboard; and after the more serious part of +the luncheon has been removed, the hostess can dismiss the servants, +and serve the ice-cream or tart herself, with the assistance of her +guests. Clean plates, knives, and forks should be in readiness. + +In England a "hot joint" is always served from the sideboard. In +fact, an English luncheon is exactly what a plain American dinner +was formerly--a roast of mutton or beef, a few vegetables, a tart, +some fruit, and a glass of sherry. But we have changed the practice +considerably, and now our luxurious country offers nothing plain. + +In this country one waiter generally remains during the whole meal, +and serves the table as he would at dinner--only with less ceremony. +It is perfectly proper at luncheon for any one to rise and help +himself to what he wishes. + +Tea and coffee are never served after luncheon in the drawing-room +or dining-room. People are not expected to remain long after +luncheon, as the lady of the house may have engagements for the +afternoon. + +In many houses the butler arranges the luncheon, table with flowers +or fruit, plates of thin bread-and butter, jellies, creams, cakes, +and preserves, a dish of cold salmon _mayonnaise_, and decanters of +sherry and claret. He places a cold ham or chicken on the sideboard, +and a pitcher of ice-water on a side-table, and then leaves the +dining-room, and takes no heed of the baser wants of humanity until +dinner-time. An underman or footman takes the place of this lofty +being, and waits at table. + +In more modest houses, where there is only a maid-servant or one +man, all arrangements for the luncheon and for expected guests +should be made immediately after breakfast. + +If the children dine with the family at luncheon, it, of course, +becomes an important meal, and should include one hot dish and a +simple dessert. + +It is well for people living in the country, and with a certain +degree of style, to study up the methods of making salads and cold +dishes, for these come in so admirably for luncheon that they often +save a hostess great mortification. By attention to small details a +very humble repast may be most elegant. A silver bread-basket for +the thin slices of bread, a pretty cheese-dish, a napkin around the +cheese, pats of butter in a pretty dish, flowers in vases, fruits +neatly served--these things cost little, but they add a zest to the +pleasures of the table. + +If a hot luncheon is served, it is not etiquette to put the +vegetables on the table as at dinner; they should be handed by the +waiter. The luncheon-table is already full of the articles for +dessert, and there is no place for the vegetables. The hot _entr‚es_ +or cold _entr‚es_ are placed before the master or mistress, and each +guest is asked what he prefers. The whole aspect of luncheon is thus +made perfectly informal. + +If a lady gives a more formal lunch, and has it served _… la Russe_, +the first _entr‚e_--let us say chops and green pease--is handed by +the waiter, commencing with the lady who sits on the right hand of +the master of the house. This is followed by vegetables. Plates +having been renewed, a salad and some cold ham can be offered. The +waiter fills the glasses with sherry, or offers claret. When +champagne is served at lunch, it is immediately after the first dish +has been served, and claret and sherry are not then given unless +asked for. + +After the salad a fresh plate, with a dessert-spoon and small fork +upon it, is placed before each person. The ice-cream, pie, or +pudding is then placed in front of the hostess, who cuts it, and +puts a portion on each plate. After these dainties have been +discussed, a glass plate, _serviette_, and finger-bowl are placed +before each guest for fruit. The servant takes the plate from his +mistress after she has filled it, and hands it to the lady of first +consideration, and so on. When only members of the family are +present at luncheon, the mistress of the house is helped first. + +Fruit tarts, pudding, sweet omelette, jellies, blancmange, and ice- +cream are all proper dessert for luncheon; also luncheon cake, or +the plainer sorts of loaf-cake. + +It is well in all households, if possible, for the children to +breakfast and lunch with their parents. The teaching of table +manners cannot be begun too soon. But children should never be +allowed to trouble guests. If not old enough to behave well at +table, guests should not be invited to the meals at which they are +present. It is very trying to parents, guests, and servants. + +When luncheon is to be an agreeable social repast, which guests are +expected to share, then the children should dine elsewhere. No +mother succeeds better in the rearing of her children than she who +has a nursery dining-room, where, under her own eye, her bantlings +are properly fed. It is not so much trouble, either, as one would +think. + +Table mats are no longer used in stylish houses, either at luncheon +or at dinner. The waiter should have a coarse towel in the butler's +pantry, and wipe each dish before he puts it on the table. + +Menu-cards are never used at luncheon. Salt-cellars and small water +_carafes_ may be placed up and down the luncheon-table. + +In our country, where servants run away and leave their mistress +when she is expecting guests, it is well to be able to improvise a +dish from such materials as may be at hand. Nothing is better than a +cod _mayonnaise_. A cod boiled in the morning is a friend in the +afternoon. When it is cold remove the skin and bones. For sauce put +some thick cream in a porcelain saucepan, and thicken it with corn- +flour which has been mixed with cold water. When it begins to boil, +stir in the beaten yolks of two eggs. As it cools, beat it well to +prevent it from becoming lumpy, and when nearly cold, stir in the +juice of two lemons, a little tarragon vinegar, a pinch of salt, and +a _soup‡on_ of Cayenne pepper. Peel and slice some very ripe +tomatoes or cold potatoes; steep them in vinegar, with Cayenne, +powdered ginger, and plenty of salt; lay these around the fish, and +cover with the cream sauce. This makes a very elegant cold dish for +luncheon. The tomatoes or potatoes should be taken out of the +vinegar and carefully drained before they are placed around the +fish. + +Some giblets carefully saved from the ducks, geese, or chickens of +yesterday's dinner should be stewed in good beef stock, and then set +away to cool. Put them in a stewpan with dried split pease, and boil +them until they are reduced to pulp; serve this mixture hot on +toast, and, if properly flavored with salt and pepper, you have a +good luncheon dish. + +Vegetable salads of beet-root, potatoes, and lettuce are always +delicious, and the careful housewife who rises early in the morning +and provides a round of cold corned beef, plenty of bread, and a +luncheon cake, need not regret the ephemeral cook, or fear the +coming city guest. + +Every country housewife should learn to garnish dishes with capers, +a border of water-cresses, plain parsley, or vegetables cut into +fancy forms. + +Potatoes, eggs, and cold hashed meats, in their unadorned +simplicity, do not come under the head of luxuries. But if the +hashed meat is carefully warmed and well flavored, and put on toast, +if the potatoes are chopped and browned and put around the meat, if +the eggs are boiled, sliced, and laid around as a garnish, and a few +capers and a border of parsley added, you have a Delmonico ragout +that Brillat-Savarin would have enjoyed. + +CHAPTER XXXVI. SUPPER-PARTIES. + +After a long retirement into the shades, the supper-party, the +"sit-down Supper," once so dear to our ancestors, has been again revived. +Leaders of society at Newport have found that, after the hearty +lunch which everybody eats there at one or three o'clock the twelve +or fourteen course dinner at seven o'clock, is too much; that people +come home reluctantly from their ocean drive to dress; and last +summer, in consequence, invitations were issued for suppers at nine +or half-past nine. The suppers at private houses, which had +previously fallen out of fashion by reason of the convenience and +popularity of the great restaurants, were resumed. The very late +dinners in large cities have, no doubt, also prevented the supper +from being a favorite entertainment; but there is no reason (except +the disapproval of doctors) why suppers should not be in fashion in +the country, or where people dine early. In England, where +digestions are better than here, and where people eat more heavily, +"the supper-tray" is an institution, and suppers are generally +spread in every English country house; and we may acknowledge the +fact that the supper--the little supper so dear to the hearts of our +friends of the last century--seems to be coming again into fashion +here. Nothing can be more significant than that _Harper's Bazar_ +receives many letters asking for directions for setting the table +for supper, and for the proper service of the meats which are to +gayly cover the cloth and enrich this always pleasant repast. + +In a general way the same service is proper at a supper as at a +dinner, with the single exception of the soup-plates. Oysters on the +half-shell and bouillon served in cups are the first two courses. If +a hot supper is served, the usual dishes are sweetbreads, with green +pease, _c“telettes … la financiere_, and some sort of game in +season, such as reed-birds in autumn, canvas-back ducks, venison, or +woodcock; salads of every kind are in order, and are often served +with the game. Then ices and fruit follow. Cheese is rarely offered, +although some _gourmets_ insist that a little is necessary with the +salad. + +After each course all the dishes and knives and forks that have been +in use are replaced by fresh ones, and the order and neatness of the +table preserved to the end of the supper. We would think it +unnecessary to mention this most obvious detail of table decorum, +had not several correspondents asked to be informed concerning it. + +There is, of course, the informal supper, at which the dishes are +all placed on a table together, as for a supper at a large ball. +Meats, dressed salmon, chicken _croquettes_, salads, jellies, and +ices are a part of the alarming _m‚lange_ of which a guest is +expected to partake, with only such discrimination as may be +dictated by prudence or inclination. But this is not the "sit down," +elegant supper so worthy to be revived, with its courses and its +etiquette and its brilliant conversation, which was the delight of +our grandmothers. + +A large centre-piece of flowers, with fruit and candies in glass +_compotiers_, and high forms of _nougat_, and other sugar devices, +are suitable standards for an elegant supper-table. Three sorts of +wine may be placed on the table in handsome decanters--sherry, or +Madeira, and Burgundy. The guests find oysters on the half-shell, +with little fish forks, all ready for them. The napkin and bread are +laid at the side or in front of each plate. These plates being +removed, other plain plates are put in their place, and cups of +bouillon are served, with gold teaspoons. This course passed, other +plates are put before the guest, and some chicken _croquettes_ or +lobster _farci_ is passed. Sherry or Madeira should already have +been served with the Oysters. With the third course iced champagne +is offered. Then follow game, or fried oysters, salads, and a slice +of _pƒt‚ de foie gras_, with perhaps tomato salad; and subsequently +ices, jellies, fruit, and coffee, and for the gentlemen a glass of +brandy or cordial. Each course is taken away before the next is +presented. Birds and salad are served together. + +There is a much simpler supper possible, which is often offered by a +hospitable hostess after the opera or theatre. It consists of a few +Oysters, a pair of cold roast chickens, a dish of lobster or plain +salad, with perhaps a glass of champagne, and one sort of ice-cream, +and involves very little trouble or expense, and can be safely said +to give as much pleasure as the more sumptuous feast. This informal +refreshment is often placed on a red table-cloth, with a dish of +oranges and apples in the centre of the table, and one servant is +sufficient. There should be, however, the same etiquette as to the +changing of plates, knives, and forks, etc., as in the more +elaborate meal. + +The good house-keeper who gives a supper every evening to her hungry +family may learn many an appetizing device by reading English books +of cookery on this subject. A hashed dish of the meat left from +dinner, garnished with parsley, a potato salad, a few slices of cold +corned beef or ham, some pickled tongues, bread, butter, and cheese, +with ale or cider, is the supper offered at nearly every English +house in the country. + +The silver and glass, the china and the fruit, should be as +carefully attended to as for a dinner, and everything as neat and as +elegant as possible, even at an informal supper. + +Oysters, that universal food of the American, are invaluable for a +supper. Fried oysters diffuse a disagreeable odor through the house, +therefore they are not as convenient in a private dwelling as +scalloped oysters, which can be prepared in the afternoon, and which +send forth no odor when cooking. Broiled oysters are very delicate, +and are a favorite dish at an informal supper. Broiled birds and +broiled bones are great delicacies, but they must be prepared by a +very good cook. Chicken in various forms hashed, fried, cold, or in +salad--is useful; veal may be utilized for all these things, if +chicken is not forthcoming. The delicately treated chicken livers +also make a very good dish, and mushrooms on toast are perfect in +their season. Hot vegetables are never served, except green pease +with some other dish. + +Beef, except in the form of a fillet, is never seen at a "sit-down" +supper, and even a fillet is rather too heavy. Lobster in every form +is a favorite supper delicacy, and the grouse; snipe, woodcock, +teal; canvasback, and squab on toast, are always in order. + +In these days of Italian warehouses and imported delicacies, the +pressed and jellied meats, _pƒt‚s_, sausages, and spiced tongues +furnish a variety for a cold supper. No supper is perfect without a +salad. + +The Romans made much of this meal, and among their delicacies were +the ass, the dog, and the snail, sea-hedgehogs, oysters, asparagus, +venison, wild boar, sea-nettles, fish, fowl, game, and cakes. The +Germans to-day eat wild boar, head-cheese, pickles, goose's flesh +dried, sausages, cheese, and salads for supper, and wash down with +beer. The French, under Louis XIV., began to make the supper their +most finished meal. They used gold and silver dishes, crystal cups +and goblets, exquisite grapes crowned the _‚pergne_, and choicest +fruits were served in golden dishes. The cooks sent up piquant +sauces for the delicately cooked meats, the wines were drunk hot and +spiced. The latter are taken iced now. Many old house-keepers, +however, serve a rich, hot-mulled port for a winter supper. It is a +delicious and not unhealthy beverage, and can be easily prepared. + +The doctors, as we have said, condemn a late supper, but the pros +and cons of this subject admit of discussion. Every one, indeed, +must decide for himself. + +Few people can undergo excitement of an evening--an opera or play or +concert, or even the pleasant conversation of an evening party-- +without feeling hungry. With many, if such an appetite is not +appeased it will cause sleeplessness. To eat lightly and to drink +lightly at supper is a natural instinct with people if they expect +to go to bed at once; but excitement is a great aid to digestion, +and a heavy supper sometimes gives no inconvenience. + +Keats seems to have had a vision of a modern supper-table when he +wrote: + +"soft he set A table, and ...threw thereon A cloth of woven +crimson, gold, and jet; ...from forth the closet brought a heap Of +candied apple, quince, and plum, and gourd, With jellies soother +than the creamy curd, And lucent syrops, tinct with cinnamon, Manna +and dates: ...spiced dainties every one." + +The supper being a meal purely of luxury should be very dainty. +Everything should be tasteful and appetizing; the wines should be +excellent, the claret not too cool, the champagne _frapp‚_, or +almost so, the Madeira and the port the temperature of the room, and +the sherry cool. If punch is served, it should be at the end of the +supper. + +Many indulgent hostesses now allow young gentlemen to smoke a +cigarette at the supper-table, after the eating and drinking is at +an end, rather than break up the delicious flow of conversation +which at the close of a supper seems to be at its best. This, +however, should not be done unless every lady at the table +acquiesces, as the smell of tobacco-smoke sometimes gives women an +unpleasant sensation. + +Suppers at balls and parties include now all sorts of cold and hot +dishes, even a haunch of venison, and a fillet of beef, with +truffles; a cold salmon dressed with a green sauce; oysters in every +form except raw--they are not served at balls; salads of every +description; boned and truffled turkey and chicken; _pƒt‚s_ of game; +cold partridges and grouse; _pƒt‚ de foie gras_; our American +specialty, hot canvas-back duck; and the Baltimore turtle, terrapin, +oyster and game patties; bonbons, ices, biscuits, creams, jellies, +and fruits, with champagne, and sometimes, of later years, claret +and Moselle cup, and champagne-cup--beverages which were not until +lately known in America, except at gentlemen's clubs and on board +yachts, but which are very agreeable mixtures, and gaining in favor. +Every lady should know how to mix cup, as it is convenient both for +supper and lawn-tennis parties, and is preferable in its effects to +the heavier article so common at parties--punch. + +CHAPTER XXXVII. SIMPLE DINNERS. + +To achieve a perfect little dinner with small means at command is +said to be a great intellectual feat. Dinner means so much--a French +cook, several accomplished servants, a very well-stocked china +closet, plate chest, and linen chest, and flowers, wines, bonbons, +and so on. But we have known many simple little dinners given by +young couples with small means which were far more enjoyable than +the gold and silver "diamond" dinners. + +Given, first, a knowledge of _how to do it_; a good cook (not a +_cordon bleu_); a neat maid-servant in cap and apron--if the lady +can carve (which all ladies should know how to do); if the gentleman +has a good bottle of claret, and another of champagne--or neither, +if he disapproves of them; if the house is neatly and quietly +furnished, with the late magazines on the table; if the welcome is +cordial, and there is no noise, no fussy pretence--these little +dinners are very enjoyable, and every one is anxious to be invited +to them. + +But people are frightened off from simple entertainments by the +splendor of the great luxurious dinners given by the very rich. It +is a foolish fear. The lady who wishes to give a simple but good +dinner has first to consult what is _seasonable_. She must offer the +dinner of the season, not seek for those strawberries in February +which are always sour, nor peaches in June, nor pease at Christmas. +Forced fruit is never good. + +For an autumnal small dinner here is a very good _menu_: + +Sherry./Oysters on the half-shell./Chablis, Soupe … la Reine. +Blue-fish, broiled./Hock, Filet de Boeuf aux Champignons./Champagne + +Or, + +Roast Beef or Mutton./Claret. Roast Partridges./ Burgundy, or Sherry +Salad of Tomatoes. Cheese./Liqueurs + +Of course, in these days, claret and champagne are considered quite +enough for a small dinner, and one need not offer the other wines. +Or, as Mrs. Henderson says in her admirable cook-book, a very good +dinner maybe given with claret alone. A table claret to add to the +water is almost the only wine drunk in France or Italy at an +every-day dinner. Of course no wine at all is expected at the tables +of those whose principles forbid alcoholic beverages, and who +nevertheless give excellent dinners without them. + +A perfectly fresh white damask table-cloth, napkins of equally +delicate fabric, spotless glass and silver, pretty china, perhaps +one high glass dish crowned with fruit and flowers--sometimes only +the fruit--chairs that are comfortable, a room not too warm, the +dessert served in good taste, but not overloaded--this is all one +needs. The essentials of a good dinner are but few. + +The informal dinner invitations should be written by the lady +herself in the first person. She may send for her friends only a few +days before she wants them to come. She should be ready five minutes +before her guests arrive, and in the parlor, serene and cool, +"mistress of herself, though china fall." She should see herself +that the dinner-table is properly laid, the champagne and sherry +thoroughly cooled, the places marked out, and, above all, the guests +properly seated. + +"Ay, there's the rub." To invite the proper people to meet each +other, to seat them so that they can have an agreeable conversation, +that is the trying and crucial test. Little dinners are social; +little dinners are informal; little dinners make people friends. And +we do not mean _little_ in regard to numbers or to the amount of +good food; we mean _simple_ dinners. + +All the good management of a young hostess or an old one cannot +prevent accident, however. The cook may get drunk; the waiter may +fall and break a dozen of the best plates; the husband may be kept +down town late, and be dressing in the very room where the ladies +are to take off their cloaks (American houses are frightfully +inconvenient in this respect). All that the hostess can do is to +preserve an invincible calm, and try not to care--at least not to +show that she cares. But after a few attempts the giving of a simple +dinner becomes very easy, and it is the best compliment to a +stranger. A gentleman travelling to see the customs of a country is +much more pleased to be asked to a modest repast where he meets his +hostess and her family than to a state dinner where he is ticketed +off and made merely one at a banquet. + +Then the limitations of a dinner can be considered. It is not kind +to keep guests more than an hour, or two hours at the most, at +table. French dinners rarely exceed an hour. English dinners are too +long and too heavy, although the conversation is apt to be +brilliant. At a simple dinner one can make it short. + +It is better to serve coffee in the drawing-room, although if the +host and hostess are agreed on this point, and the ladies can stand +smoke, it is served at table, and the gentlemen light their +cigarettes. In some houses smoking is forbidden in the dining-room. + +The practice of the ladies retiring first is an English one, and the +French consider it barbarous. Whether we are growing more French or +not, we seem to be beginning to do away with the separation after +dinner. + +It is the custom at informal dinners for the lady to help the soup +and for the gentleman to carve; therefore the important dishes are +put on the table. But the servants who wait should be taught to have +sidetables and sideboards so well placed that anything can be +removed immediately after it is finished. A screen is a very useful +adjunct in a dining-room. + +Inefficient servants have a disagreeable habit of running in and out +of the dining-room in search of something that should have been in +readiness; therefore the lady of the house had better see beforehand +that French rolls are placed under every napkin, and a silver basket +full of them ready in reserve. Also large slices of fresh soft bread +should be on the side table, as every one does not like hard bread, +and should be offered a choice. + +The powdered sugar, the butter, the caster, the olives, the +relishes, should all be thought of and placed where each can be +readily found. Servants should be taught to be noiseless, and to +avoid a hurried manner. In placing anything on or taking anything +off a table a servant should never reach across a person seated at +table for that purpose. However hurried the servant may be, or +however near at hand the article, she should be taught to walk +quietly to the left hand of each guest to remove things, while she +should pass everything in the same manner, giving the guest the +option of using his right hand with which to help himself. Servants +should have a silver or plated knife-tray to remove the gravy-spoon +and carving knife and fork before removing the platter. All the +silver should be thus removed; it makes a table much neater. +Servants should be taught to put a plate and spoon and fork at every +place before each course. + +After the meats and before the pie, pudding, or ices, the table +should be carefully cleared of everything but fruit and flowers--all +plates, glasses, carafes, salt-cellars, knives and forks, and +whatever pertains to the dinner should be removed, and the table- +cloth well cleared with brush or crumb-scraper on a silver waiter, +and then the plates, glasses, spoons, and forks laid at each plate +for the dessert. If this is done every day, it adds to a common +dinner, and trains the waitress to her work. + +The dinner, the dishes, and the plates should all be hot. The +ordinary plate-warmer is now superseded by something far better, in +which a hot brick is introduced. The most _recherch‚_ dinner is +spoiled if hot mutton is put on a cold plate. The silver dishes +should be heated by hot water in the kitchen, the hot dinner plates +must be forthcoming from the plate-warmer, nor must the roasts or +_entr‚es_ be allowed to cool on their way from the kitchen to the +dining-room. A servant should have a thumb napkin with which to hand +the hot dishes, and a clean towel behind the screen with which to +wipe the platters which have been sent up on the dumb-waiter. On +these trifles depend the excellence of the simple dinner. + +CHAPTER XXXVIII. THE SMALL-TALK OF SOCIETY. + +One of the cleverest questions asked lately is, "What shall I talk +about at a dinner-party?" Now if there is a woman in the world who +does not know what to talk about, is it not a very difficult thing +to tell her? One can almost as well answer such a question as, "What +shall I see out of my eyes?" + +Yet our young lady is not the first person who has dilated of late +years upon the "decay of conversation," nor the only one who has +sometimes felt the heaviness of silence descend upon her at a modern +dinner. No doubt this same great and unanswerable question has been +asked by many a traveller who, for the first time, has sat next an +Englishman of good family (perhaps even with a handle to his name), +who has answered all remarks by the proverbial but unsympathetic +"Oh!" Indeed, it is to be feared that it is a fashion for young men +nowadays to appear listless, to conceal what ideas they may happen +to have, to try to appear stupid, if they are not so, throwing all +the burden of the conversation on the lively, vivacious, good- +humored girl, or the more accomplished married woman, who may be the +next neighbor. Women's wits are proverbially quick, they talk +readily, they read and think more than the average young man of +fashion is prone to do; the result is a quick and a ready tongue. +Yet the art of keeping up a flow of agreeable and incessant small- +talk, not too heavy, not pretentious or egotistical, not scandalous, +and not commonplace, is an art that is rare, and hardly to be prized +too highly. + +It has been well said that there is a great difference between a +brilliant conversationalist and a ready small-talker. The former is +apt to be feared, and to produce a silence around him. We all +remember Macaulay and "his brilliant flashes of silence." We all +know that there are talkers so distinguished that you must not ask +both of them to dinner on the same day lest they silence each other, +while we know others who bring to us just an average amount of tact, +facility of expression, geniality, and a pleasant gift at a +quotation, a bit of repartee; such a person we call a ready small- +talker, a "most agreeable person," one who frightens nobody and who +has a great popularity. Such a one has plenty of small change, very +useful, and more easy to handle than the very large cheek of the +conversationalist, who is a millionaire as to his memory, learning, +and power of rhetoric, but who cannot and will not indulge in small- +talk. We respect the one; we like the other. The first point to be +considered, if one has no inspiration in regard to small-talk, would +seem to be this; try to consider what subject would most interest +the person next to you. There are people who have no other talent, +whom we never call clever, but who do possess this instinct, and who +can talk most sympathetically, while knowing scarcely anything about +the individual addressed. There are others who are deficient in this +gift, who can only say "Really" and "Indeed." These "Really" and +"Indeed" and "Oh" people are the despair of the dinner-giver. The +gay, chatty, light-hearted people who can glide into a conversation +easily, are the best of dinner-table companions, even if they do +sometimes talk too much about the weather and such commonplaces. + +It is a good plan for a shy young person, who has no confidence in +her own powers of conversation, to fortify herself with several +topics of general interest, such as the last new novel, the last +opera, the best and newest gallery of pictures, or the flower in +fashion; and to invent a formula, if words are wanting in her +organization, as to how these subjects should be introduced and +handled. Many ideas will occur to her, and she can silently arrange +them. Then she may keep these as a reserve force, using them only +when the conversation drops, or she is unexpectedly brought to the +necessity of keeping up the ball alone. Some people use this power +rather unfairly, leading the conversation up to the point where they +wish to enter; but these are not the people who need help--they can +take care of themselves. After talking awhile in a perfunctory +manner, many a shy young person has been astonished by a sudden rush +of brilliant ideas, and finds herself talking naturally and well +without effort. It is like the launching of a ship; certain blocks +of shyness and habits of mental reserve are knocked away, and the +brave frigate _Small-Talk_ takes the water like a thing of life. + +It demands much tact and cleverness to touch upon the ordinary +events of the day at a mixed dinner, because, in the first place, +nothing should be said which can hurt any one's feelings, politics, +religion, and the stock market being generally ruled out; nor should +one talk about that which everybody knows, for such small-talk is +impertinent and irritating. No one wishes to be told that which he +already understands better, perhaps, than we do. Nor are matters of +too private a nature, such as one's health, or one's servants, or +one's disappointments, still less one's good deeds, to be talked +about. + +Commonplace people also sometimes try society very much by their own +inane and wholly useless criticisms. Supposing we take up music, it +is far more agreeable to hear a person say, "How do you like +Nilsson?" than to hear him say, "I like Nilsson, and I have these +reasons for liking her." Let that come afterwards. When a person +really qualified to discuss artists, or literary people, or artistic +points, talks sensibly and in a chatty, easy way about them, it is +the perfection of conversation; but when one wholly and utterly +incompetent to do so lays down the law on such subjects he or she +becomes a bore. But if the young person who does not know how to +talk treats these questions interrogatively, ten chances to one, +unless she is seated next an imbecile, she will get some very good +and light small-talk out of her next neighbor. She may give a modest +personal opinion, or narrate her own sensations at the opera, if she +can do so without egotism, and she should always show a desire to be +answered. If music and literature fail, let her try the subjects of +dancing, polo-playing, and lawn-tennis. A very good story was told +of a bright New York girl and a very haw-haw-stupid Englishman at a +Newport dinner. The Englishman had said "Oh," and "Really," and +"Quite so," to everything which this bright girl had asked him, when +finally, very tired and very angry, she said, "Were you ever thrown +in the hunting-field, and was your head hurt?" The man turned and +gazed admiringly. "Now you've got me," was the reply. And he talked +all the rest of the dinner of his croppers. Perhaps it may not be +necessary or useful often to unlock so rich a _r‚pertoire_ as this; +but it was a very welcome relief to this young lady not to do all +the talking during three hours. + +After a first introduction there is, no doubt, some difficulty in +starting a conversation. The weather, the newspaper, the last +accident, the little dog, the bric-…-brac, the love of horses, etc., +are good and unfailing resources, except that very few people have +the readiness to remember this wealth of subjects at once. To +recollect a thing apropos of the moment is the gift of ready-witted +people alone, and how many remember, hours after, a circumstance +which would have told at that particular moment of embarrassment +when one stood twiddling his hat, and another twisted her +handkerchief. The French call "_l'esprit d'escalier_"--the "wit of +the staircase"--the gift of remembering the good thing you might +have said in the drawing-room, just too late, as you go up-stairs. +However, two new people generally overcome this moment of +embarrassment, and then some simple offer of service, such as, "Can +I get you a chair?" "Is that window too cold?" "Can I bring you some +tea?" occurs, and then the small-talk follows. + +The only curious part of this subject is that so little skill is +shown by the average talker in weaving facts and incidents into his +treatment of subjects of everyday character, and that he brings so +little intelligence to bear on his discussion of them. It is not +given to every one to be brilliant and amusing, but, with a little +thought, passing events may always give rise to pleasant +conversation. We have lately been visited by a succession of +brilliant sunsets, concerning which there have been various +theories. This has been a charming subject for conversation, yet at +the average dinner we have heard but few persons mention this +interesting topic. Perhaps one is afraid to start a conversation +upon celestial scenery at a modern dinner. The things may seem too +remote, yet it would not be a bad idea. + +Gossip may promote small-talk among those who are very intimate and +who live in a narrow circle. But how profoundly uninteresting is it +to an outsider!--how useless to the real man or woman of the world! +That is, unless it is literary, musical, artistic gossip. Scandal +ruins conversation, and should never be included even in a +definition of small-talk. Polite, humorous, vivacious, speculative, +dry, sarcastic, epigrammatic, intellectual, and practical people all +meet around a dinner-table, and much agreeable small-talk should be +the result. It is unfortunately true that there is sometimes a +failure in this respect. Let a hostess remember one thing: there is +no chance for vivacity of intellect if her room is too warm; her +flowers and her guests will wilt together. There are those also who +prefer her good dishes to talking, and the old gentleman in _Punch_ +who rebuked his lively neighbor for talking while there were "such +_entr‚es_ coming in" has his counterparts among ourselves. + +Some shy talkers have a sort of empirical way of starting a subject +with a question like this: "Do you know the meaning and derivation +of the term 'bric-…-brac?'" "Do you believe in ghosts?" "What do you +think of a ladies' club?" "Do you believe in chance?" "Is there more +talent displayed in learning the violin than in playing a first-rate +game of chess?" etc. + +These are intellectual conundrums, and may be repeated indefinitely +where the person questioned is disposed to answer. With a flow of +good spirits and the feeling of case which comes from a knowledge of +society, such questions often bring out what Margaret Fuller called +"good talk." + +But if your neighbor says "Oh," "Really," "Indeed," "I don't know," +then the best way is to be purely practical, and talk of the chairs +and tables, and the existing order of things, the length of trains, +or the shortness of the dresses of the young ladies at the last +ball, the prevailing idea that "ice-water is unhealthy," and other +such extremely easy ideas. The sound of one's own voice is generally +very sweet in one's own ears; let every lady try to cultivate a +pleasant voice for those of other people, and also an agreeable and +accurate pronunciation. The veriest nothings sound well when thus +spoken. The best way to learn how to talk is, of course, to learn +how to think: from full wells one brings up buckets full of clear +water, but there can be small-talk without much thought. The fact +remains that brilliant thinkers and scholars are not always good +talkers, and there is no harm in the cultivation of the art of +conversation, no harm in a little "cramming," if a person is afraid +that language is not his strong point. The merest trifle generally +suffices to start the flow of small-talk, and the person who can use +this agreeable weapon of society is always popular and very much +courted. + +CHAPTER XXXIX. GARDEN-PARTIES. + +Many of our correspondents ask us, "What shall we order for a +garden-party?" We must answer that the first thing to order is a +fine day. In these fortunate days the morning revelations of Old +Probabilities give us an almost exact knowledge of what of rain or +sunshine the future has in store. + +A rain or tornado which starts from Alaska, where the weather is +made nowadays, will almost certainly be here on the third day; so +the hostess who is willing to send a hasty bidding can perhaps avoid +rain. It is the custom, however, to send invitations for these +garden-parties a fortnight before they are to occur. At Newport they +are arranged weeks beforehand, and if the weather is bad the +entertainment takes place in-doors. + +When invitations are given to a suburban place to which people are +expected to go by rail or any public means of conveyance, a card +should also be sent stating the hours at which trains leave, which +train or boat to take, and any other information that may add to the +comfort of the guest. These invitations are engraved, and printed on +note-paper, which should be perfectly plain, or bear the family +crest in water-mark only, and read somewhat as follows: + +_Mr. and Mrs. Edwin Smith request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. +Conway Brown's company on Tuesday, the thirtieth of July, at four +o'clock. + +Garden Party. Yonkers, New York._ + +Then, on the card enclosed, might be printed, + +_Carriages will meet the 3.30 train from Grand Central Depot._ + +If the invitation is to a country place not easy of access, still +more explicit directions should be given. + +The garden-party proper is always held entirely in the open air. In +England the refreshments are served under a _marquee_ in the +grounds, and in that inclement clime no one seems to think it a +hardship if a shower of rain comes down, and ruins fine silks and +beautiful bonnets. But in our fine sunshiny land we are very much +afraid of rain, and our malarious soil is not considered always +safe, so that the thoughtful hostess often has her table in-doors, +piazzas filled with chairs, Turkey rugs laid down on the grass, and +every preparation made that the elderly and timid and rheumatic may +enjoy the garden-party without endangering their health. + +A hostess should see that her lawn-tennis ground is in order, the +croquet laid out, and the archery tools all in place, so that her +guests may amuse themselves with these different games. Sometimes +balls and races are added to these amusements, and often a platform +is laid for dancing, if the turf be not sufficiently dry. A band of +musicians is essential to a very elegant and successful garden- +party, and a varied selection of music, grave and gay, should be +rendered. Although at a dinner-party there is reason to fear that an +orchestra may be a nuisance, at a garden-party the open air and +space are sufficient guarantees against this danger. + +If the hostess wishes her entertainment to be served out-of-doors, +of course all the dishes must be cold. Salads, cold birds, and ham, +tongue, and _pƒt‚ de foie gras_, cold _pƒt‚s_, and salmon dressed +with a green sauce, jellies, Charlottes, ices, cakes, punch, and +champagne, are the proper things to offer. A cup of hot tea should +be always ready in the house for those who desire it. + +At a garden-party proper the hostess receives out on the lawn, +wearing her hat or bonnet, and takes it for granted that the party +will be entirely out-of-doors. The carriages, however, drive up to +the door, and the ladies can go up-stairs and deposit their wraps +and brush off the dust, if they wish. A servant should be in +attendance to show the guests to that part of the grounds in which +the lady is receiving. + +At Newport these parties are generally conducted on the principle of +an afternoon tea, and after the mistress of the house has received +her guests, they wander through the grounds, and, when weary, return +to the house for refreshment. _Pƒt‚ de foie gras_, sandwiches, cold +birds, plates of delicious jellied tongue, lobster salad, and +sometimes hot cakes and hot broiled chicken, are served at these +high teas. Coffee and tea and wine are also offered, but these are +at mixed entertainments which have grown out of the somewhat unusual +hours observed at Newport in the season. + +There is a sort of public garden-party in this country which +prevails on semi-official occasions, such as the laying of a +foundation-stone for a public building, the birthday of a prominent +individual, a Sunday-school festival, or an entertainment given to a +public functionary. These are banquets, and for them the invitations +are somewhat general, and should be officially issued. For the +private garden-party it is proper for a lady to ask for an +invitation for a friend, as there is always plenty of room; but it +should also be observed that where this request is not answered +affirmatively, offence should not be taken. It is sometimes very +difficult for a lady to understand why her request for an invitation +to her friend is refused; but she should never take the refusal as a +discourtesy to herself. There may be reasons which cannot be +explained. + +Ladies always wear bonnets at a garden-party, and the sensible +fashion of short dresses has hitherto prevailed; but it is rumored +that a recent edict of the Princess of Wales against short dresses +at her garden-parties will find followers on this side of the water, +notably at Newport, which out-Herods Herod in its respect to English +fashions. + +Indeed, a long dress is very pretty on the grass and under the +trees. At Buckingham Palace a garden-party given to the Viceroy of +Egypt several years ago presented a very Watteau-like picture. +Worth's handsomest dresses were freely displayed, and the lovely +grounds and old trees at the back of the palace were in fine full +dress for the occasion. + +In fact, England is the land for garden-parties, with its turf of +velvet softness, its flowing lime-trees, its splendid old oaks, and +its finished landscape gardening. There are but few places as yet in +America which afford the clipped-box avenues, the arcades of +blossoming rose-vines, the pleached alleys, the finely kept and +perfect gravel-walks, or, Better than all, the quiet, old-fashioned +gardens, down which the ladies may walk, rivals of the flowers. + +But there are some such places; and a green lawn, a few trees, a +good prospect, a fine day, and something to eat, are really all the +absolute requirements for a garden-party. In the neighborhood of New +York very charming garden-parties have been given: at the Brooklyn +Navy-yard and the camp of the soldier, at the head-quarters of the +officers of marines, and at the ever-lovely Governor's Island. + +Up the Hudson, out at Orange (with its multitudinous pretty +settlements), all along the coast of Long Island, the garden-party +is almost imperatively necessary. The owner of a fine place is +expected to allow the unfortunates who must stay in town at least +one sniff of his roses and new-mown hay. + +Lawn-tennis has had a great share in making the garden-party +popular; and in remote country places ladies should learn how to +give these parties, and, with very little trouble, make the most of +our fine climate. There is no doubt that a little awkwardness is to +be overcome in the beginning, for no one knows exactly what to do. +Deprived of the friendly shelter of a house, guests wander forlornly +about; but a graceful and ready hostess will soon suggest that a +croquet or lawn-tennis party be formed, or that a contest at archery +be entered upon, or that even a card-party is in order, or that a +game of checkers can be played under the trees. + +Servants should be taught to preserve the proprieties of the feast, +if the meal be served under the trees. There should be no piles of +dishes, knives, forks, or spoons, visible on the green grass; +baskets should be in readiness to carry off everything as soon as +used. There should be a sufficient quantity of glass and china in +use, and plenty of napkins, so that there need be no delay. The +lemonade and punch bowls should be replenished from the dining-room +as soon as they show signs of depletion, and a set of neat maid- +servants can be advantageously employed in watching the table, and +seeing that the cups, spoons, plates, wine-glasses, and forks are in +sufficient quantity and clean. If tea is served, maid-servants are +better than men, as they are careful that the tea is hot, and the +spoons, cream, and sugar forthcoming. Fruit is an agreeable addition +to a garden-party entertainment, and pines, melons, peaches, grapes, +strawberries, are all served in their season. Pains should be taken +to have these fruits of the very best that can be obtained. + +Claret-cup, champagne-cup, and soda-water, brandy and shandy-gaff, +are provided on a separate table for the gentlemen; Apollinaris +water, and the various aerated waters so fashionable now, are also +provided. Although gentlemen help themselves, it is necessary to +have a servant in attendance to remove the wine-glasses, tumblers, +and goblets as they are used, and to replenish the decanters and +pitchers as they are emptied, and to supply fresh glasses. Many +hospitable hosts offer their guests old Madeira, sherry, and port. + +The decanters are placed on the regular luncheon-table, and glasses +of wine are carried by servants, on silver trays, to the ladies who +are sitting on the piazzas and under the trees. Small thin tumblers +are used for the claret and champagne cup, which should be held in +silver or glass pitchers. + +If strawberries and cream are served, a small napkin should be put +between the saucer and plate, and a dessert spoon and fork handed +with each plate. + +The servants who carry about refreshments from the tent or the table +where they are served should be warned to be very careful in this +part of the service, as many a fine gown has been spoiled, by a dish +of strawberries and cream or a glass of punch or lemonade being +overturned, through a servant's want of care. + +Ices are now served at garden-parties in small paper cups placed on +ice-plates--a fashion which is very neat, and which saves much of +the _mussiness_ which has heretofore been a feature of these +entertainments. Numbers of small tables should be brought with the +camp-stools, and placed at convenient intervals, where the guests +can deposit their plates. + +A lady should not use her handsome glass or china at these _al +fresco_ entertainments. It is sure to be broken. It is better to +hire all the necessary glass, silver, and china from the caterer, as +it saves a world of counting and trouble. + +No doubt the garden-party is a troublesome affair, particularly if +the refreshments are out-of-doors, but it is very beautiful and very +amusing, and worth all the trouble. It is just as pleasant, however, +if the table is in-doors. + +CHAPTER XL. SILVER WEDDINGS AND OTHER WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. + +A very sensible reform is now being attempted in the matter of +silver weddings. It was once a demand on the purse of at least fifty +dollars to receive an invitation to a silver wedding, because every +one was expected to send a piece of silver. Some very rich houses in +New York are stocked with silver with the elaborate inscription, +"Silver Wedding." To the cards of to-day is appended, "No presents +received," which is a relief to the impecunious. + +These cards are on plain white or silver-gray paper, engraved in +silver letters, with the name of the lady as she was known before +marriage appended below that of her husband; the date of the +marriage is also added below the names. + +The entertainment for a silver wedding, to be perfect, should occur +at exactly the hour at which the marriage took place; but as that +has been found to be inconvenient, the marriage hour is ignored, and +the party takes place in the evening generally, and with all the +characteristics of a modern party. The "bridal pair" stand together, +of course, to receive, and as many of the original party of the +groomsmen and bridesmaids as can be got together should be induced +to form a part of the group. There can be no objection to the +sending of flowers, and particular friends who wish can, of course, +send other gifts, but there should be no _obligation_. We may say +here that the custom of giving bridal gifts has become an outrageous +abuse of a good idea. From being a pretty custom which had its basis +in the excellent system of our Dutch ancestors, who combined to help +the young couple by presents of bed and table linen and necessary +table furniture and silver, it has now sometimes degenerated into a +form of ostentation, and is a great tax on the friends of the bride. +People in certain relations to the family are even expected to send +certain gifts. It has been known to be the case that the bride +allowed some officious friend to suggest that she should have +silver, or pearls, or diamonds; and a rich old bachelor uncle is +sure to be told what is expected from him. But when a couple have +reached their silver wedding, and are able and willing to celebrate +it, it may be supposed that they are beyond the necessity of +appealing to the generosity of their friends; therefore it is a good +custom to have this phrase added to the silver-wedding invitation, +"No presents received." + +The question has been asked if the ceremony should be performed over +again. We should say decidedly not, for great danger has accrued to +thoughtless persons in thus tampering with the wedding ceremony. Any +one who has read Mrs. Oliphant's beautiful story of "Madonna Mary" +will be struck at once with this danger. It is not safe, even in the +most playful manner, to imitate that legal form on which all +society, property, legitimacy, and the safety of home hang. + +Now as to the dress of the bride of twenty-five years, we should +say, "Any color but black." There is an old superstition against +connecting black with weddings. A silver gray, trimmed with steel +and lace, has lately been used with much success as a second bridal +dress. Still less should the dress be white; that has become so +canonized as the wedding dress of a virgin bride that it is not even +proper for a widow to wear it on her second marriage. The shades of +rose-color, crimson, or those beautiful modern combinations of +velvet and brocade which suit so many matronly women, are all +appropriate silver-wedding dresses. + +Ladies should not wear jewelry in the morning, particularly at their +own houses; so if the wedding is celebrated in the morning, the +hostess should take care not to be too splendid. + +Evening weddings are, in these anniversaries, far more agreeable, +and can be celebrated with more elaborate dressing. It is now so +much the fashion to wear low-necked dresses (sleeveless dresses were +worn by bridesmaids at an evening wedding recently) that the bride +of twenty-five years can appear, if she chooses, in a low-cut short- +sleeved dinner dress and diamonds in the evening. As for the groom, +he should be in full evening dress, immaculate white tie, and pearl- +colored kid gloves. He plays, as he does at the wedding, but a +secondary part. Indeed, it has been jocosely said that he sometimes +poses as a victim. In savage communities and among the birds it is +the male who wears the fine clothes; in Christian society it is the +male who dresses in black, putting the fine feathers on his wife. It +is to her that all the honors are paid, he playing for the time but +a secondary part. In savage communities she would dig the earth, +wait upon her lord, and stand behind him while he eats; in the +modern silver wedding he helps her to fried oysters and champagne, +and stands while she sits. + +Now as to who shall be invited. A correspondent writes asking if a +silver wedding celebrated in a new home would not be a good +opportunity for making the "first onset of hospitality," inviting +those neighbors who were not known before, or at least who were not +visiting acquaintances. We should think it a very happy idea. It is +a compliment to ask one's friends and neighbors to any ceremony or +anniversary in which our own deep feelings are concerned, such as a +christening, a child's wedding, and the celebration of a birthday. +Why not still more when a married pair have weathered the storms of +twenty-five years? People fully aware of their own respectability +should never be afraid to bow first, speak first, or call first. +Courtesy is the most cosmopolitan of good qualities, and politeness +is one of the seven capital virtues. No people giving such an +invitation need be hurt if it is received coldly. They only thus +find out which of their new neighbors are the most worth +cultivating. This sort of courtesy is as far as possible from the +dreadful word "pushing." As dress was made to dignify the human +body, so a generous courtesy clothes the mind. Let no one be afraid +of draping the spirit with this purple and gold. + +And in all fresh neighborhoods the new-comers should try to +cultivate society. There is something in its attrition which +stimulates the mind. Society brightens up the wits, and causes the +dullest mind to bring its treasures to the surface. + +The wedding anniversaries seem to begin with the fifth one--the +wooden wedding. Here unique and appropriate presents seem to be very +cheap. Cedar tubs and bowls and pails, wooden baskets filled with +flowers, Shaker rocking-chairs and seats for the veranda, carved +tables, cabinets of oak, wall brackets, paintings on wood, water- +colors framed in wood-carvings in bog oak, and even a load of +kindling wood, have been acceptably offered. The bride can dress as +gayly as she pleases at this early anniversary. Then comes the tin +wedding, which now is very much welcomed for the pretty tin +candlesticks that it brings, fresh from London furnishers. + +We hear of gorgeous silver weddings in California, that land of gold +and silver, where the display of toilettes each represented a large +fortune. But, after all, _the sentiment_ is the thing, + +"As when, amid the rites divine, I took thy troth, and plighted mine +To thee, sweet wife, my second ring A token and a pledge I bring. +This ring shall wed, till death us part, Thy riper virtues to my +heart--Those virtues which, before untried, The wife has added to +the bride." + +The golden wedding is a rare festivity--the great marriage bell made +of wheat fully ripe; sheaves of corn; roses of the pure gold-color +(the Marshal Niel is the golden-wedding flower _par excellence_). We +can well imagine the parlors beautifully decorated with autumn +leaves and evergreens, the children grouped about the aged pair, +perhaps even a great-grandchild as a child bridesmaid, a bridal +bouquet in the aged white hand. We can fancy nothing more poetical +and pathetic than this festivity. + +Whether or not a ring should be given by the husband to the wife on +this occasion we must leave to the individual taste of the parties. +No doubt it is a pleasant occasion for the gift, + +"If she, by merit since disclosed, +Proved twice the woman I supposed," + +there is no doubt that she deserves another ring. We have read +somewhere of a crown-diamond wedding; it is the sixty-fifth +anniversary. Iron weddings are, we believe, the fifteenth +anniversary. With silver, golden, and diamond weddings we are +tolerably familiar, but, so far as we know, a crown-diamond wedding +such as was celebrated a short time ago at Maebuell, in the island +of Alsen, is a ceremony altogether without precedent in matrimonial +annals. Having completed their sixty-fifth year of conjugal bliss, +Claus Jacobsen and his venerable spouse were solemnly blessed by the +parson of their parish, and went, for the fifth time in their long +wedded life, through the form of mutual troth-plighting before the +altar at which they had for the first time been united before the +battle of Waterloo was fought. The united age of this crown- +diamantine couple amount to _one hundred and seventy-eight years_! + +We doubt if this constant pair needed any ring to remind them of +their wedded duty. It is strange that the origin of the wedding ring +is lost in obscurity. The "fyancel," or wedding ring, is doubtless +of Roman origin, and was originally given at the betrothal as a +pledge of the engagement. Juvenal says that at the commencement of +the Christian era a man placed a ring on the finger of the lady whom +he betrothed. In olden times the delivery of a signet-ring was a +sign of confidence. The ring is a symbol of eternity and constancy. +That it was placed on the woman's left hand denotes her subjection, +and on the ring finger because it pressed a vein which communicates +directly with the heart. So universal is the custom of wearing the +wedding ring among Jews and Christians that no married woman is ever +seen without her plain gold circlet, and she regards the loss of it +as a sinister omen; and many women never remove it. This is, +however, foolish, and it should be taken off and put on several +times at first, so that any subsequent removal or loss need not jar +painfully on the feelings. + +The bride-cake cut by the bride, with the wedding ring for some +fortunate future spouse, seems to be still potent. The twenty-five- +year-old bride should cut a few pieces, then leave others to pass +it; it is a day on which she should be waited upon. + +Some persons, in celebrating their twenty-fifth wedding day, also +repeat their wedding journey, and we know a very pleasant little +route in England called the "silver-wedding journey," but this is, +of course, a matter so entirely personal that it cannot be +universally recommended. + +The most graceful silver-wedding custom is for the bride and +bridegroom to receive the greetings of their friends at first +formally, then to leave the marriage bell or canopy of flowers and +to go about among the company, becoming again host and hostess. They +should spare their children, friends, and themselves tears and sad +recollections. Some opulent brides and bridegrooms make it a silver +wedding indeed by sending substantial presents to those who started +in life with them but have been less fortunate than themselves. + +CHAPTER XLI. SPRING AND SUMMER ENTERTAINMENTS. + +As the season advances and the country bursts into glorious sudden +spring, the garden party, the country dinner, the horseback +excursions, and the asparagus parties, the hunts and the yacht +voyages, the lawn-tennis and archery, the visits to the polo ground, +and the delights of a visit to the friends who live within an hour +of the city, at Orange and at Morristown, on the seagirt shore of +Long Island or up the Hudson, begin to loom up before the city-bound +worthy, and to throw a "rose hue o'er his russet cares." + +Now the first question with the neophyte who would go to the hunts +(for they "break the ice" in more senses than one), as the first of +the spring out-of-door entertainments, is, What does a young girl +require who would "ride to hounds"? for "pale Diana," chaste and +fair, no longer hunts on foot, as she did in the days of Acteon. + +She must have two thorough-bred hunters. She must have a groom, an +English habit, a carefully-considered outfit, and she must be a +perfect and a fearless horsewoman, and not mind a "cropper." One of +the young riders at the Meadow Brook Hunt was thrown over her +horse's head into a ditch last spring, and got up declaring she was +not even bruised. Yes, she must learn even how to fall off her horse +without breaking her ribs or her nose. It is an expensive amusement +to be Diana nowadays. The result, however, of long practice on +horseback seems to be that a woman becomes almost a centaur, and +more fearless than a man. Then the hunt includes as its adjuncts to +the young ladies certain men in pink. They "form" on a roadside, and +the master of the hunt says, "Ladies and gentlemen, will you hunt?" +and he motions to the whipper-in--a gallant creature in pink also-- +to "throw off the dogs." + +Then the prettiest forty dogs, all spotted, start on their mad +career. It is a beautiful sight, with the red-coated huntsmen +following, and it looks as if the real fox would be attainable after +a time, instead of the farce of an anise-seed bag which now serves +to make the ghost of a scent. The low, soft hat is a favorite with +our young riders, but there is this to say for the hard hat, it does +break a fall. Many a fair forehead has been saved from a terrible +scar by the resistant hard hat. + +The habit of riding every day and of getting thoroughly accustomed +to one's seat should precede the daring attempt at a break-neck +"jump." No one should pretend to hunt who has not a good seat, a good +horse, and plenty of nerve. Much less should an incompetent rider +venture on a friend's horse. It has been said in England that "a man +will forgive you for breaking his own neck, but not that of his +favorite hunter." + +As the day for driving has come, many correspondents write to ask +what is the best style of equipage for a young man. We can only say +that a tilbury and one horse is very showy, that a dog-cart is the +most "knowing," that a high chariot is very stately, but that the +two-seated Park wagon is the most appropriate in which to take out a +lady. There should always be a servant behind. The art of driving is +simple enough, but requires much practice. The good driver should +understand his horse well, and turn his curves gently and slowly; he +must know how to harness and unharness a horse, and be ready to mend +any trifling disarrangement if there is a break. + +Now as to driving in a carriage with ladies, a correspondent writes +to ask the etiquette which should govern a gentleman's conduct. He +takes his seat with his back to the horses, opposite the ladies, nor +should he assume to sit beside a lady unless requested to do so. +When the carriage stops, he should jump out and assist her to +alight, walking with her up her own steps, and ringing the bell. In +entering the carriage he should put his left foot on the step, and +enter the carriage with his right foot. This is, however, supposing +that he sits facing the horses; if he sits with his back to the +horses, he reverses the process. A gentleman should avoid treading +on ladies' dresses, or shutting them in the door. Ladies who have +country-houses should learn to drive as well as to ride. Indeed, in +these days when young women drive alone in the Park in their pony +phaetons and little carts, we need hardly advise that they should +learn to drive well. + +As to boating, which is practised so largely by men, we hear of but +few ladies who pull the oar about New York; but doubtless it will be +done on inland streams and lakes. One gentleman should stay in the +boat and help to steady it, unless the oarswomen are very expert. +Short dresses and round hats should be worn, with no superincumbent +drapery, As the seat of honor in a boat is that occupied by the +stroke oar, it is etiquette for the owner of the boat to offer it to +his friend if he be a rower. + +The asparagus party is a sort of a long picnic, in which a party of +friends join, and drive or ride out to some convenient inn where a +good dinner can be served, with the advantage of the early vegetable +cut directly from the ground. As Long Island is famous for its +asparagus, these parties from New York generally select some +convenient locality there, near enough to the city to be not too +fatiguing a drive. + +The new passion for driving a coach has now become so much of an +American taste that we need not describe the pastime here. At least +four coaches will start from New York for some neighboring town-New +Rochelle, Yonkers, etc.--during the summer, and there is no better +way of spending a May day than on top of one. As for _al fresco_ +entertainments, game pie, patties, cold beef, pressed tongue, potted +meats, sandwiches, _pƒt‚ de foie gras_, champagne, are all taken out +in hampers, and served on top of the coach by the obedient valets at +the races, for those parties who go out with four horses and a +London coach to see the favorite run. + +We are often asked what would be the appropriate costume for a lawn +party, and we can only answer that the costumes for these parties +should be of a useful character. If it is a lawn party at a very +elegant house, at Newport or up the Hudson, it may be, however, of a +delicacy and elegance not proper if one is asked out in the country +merely to "have a good time," when a person would be exposed to the +weather, the wear and tear of games, and of a long day in the sun, +Thick boots are indispensable. But if one is invited to a wedding in +the country, even if the "lawn" is to play a decided part in the +entertainment, one must dress very handsomely. At the regular lawn +party the lady of the house and her daughters should receive on the +lawn in their bonnets. + +Yachting is a favorite "summer entertainment," and for those who +love the sea it is unparalleled for its excitement, Yachting dresses +should be made of serge or tweed, and possess warmth and durability, +and young women can trim them according to taste with the name and +insignia of their favorite yacht. + +For a lawn-tennis party the players dress in flannels made for the +purpose, and for a lady the jersey is indispensable, as giving so +much freedom to the arms. These parties begin in May at all the +country-houses and country parks about our larger towns, and +certainly furnish as much healthful amusement as anything can do. + +Archery has not yet become acclimated in America, but there are +clubs in certain circles which promise a future for this game. + +Now for those who go to country-houses to stay "over Sunday," as is +the fashion about New York, let us give one word of advice. Always +hold yourself at the disposal of those at whose house you are +staying. If they propose a plan of action for you, fall in with it. +If your visit is prolonged for a week, endeavor to amuse yourself as +much as possible. Do not let your hostess see that you are dependent +on her for amusement. Remember, however welcome you may be, you are +not always wanted. A good hostess also learns when to let her guests +alone. A gentleman visitor who neither shoots, fishes, boats, reads, +writes letters, nor does anything but hang about, letting himself be +"amused," is an intolerable nuisance. He had better go to the +billiard-room and practice caroms by himself, or retire to the +stables and smoke. + +A lady visitor should show a similar tact in retiring to her own +room to read or write letters, allowing her hostess to have her +mornings or her afternoons to herself, as she pleases. Some people +are "born visitors." They have the genius of tact to perceive, the +genius of finesse to execute, case and frankness of manner, a +knowledge of the world that nothing can surprise, a calmness of +temper that nothing can disturb, and a kindness of disposition that +can never be exhausted. Such a visitor is greatly in demand +everywhere. + +A good-natured host and hostess place everything at the disposal of +a visitor--their horses, carriages, books, and grounds. And here the +utmost delicacy should be observed. Never ride a horse too fast or +too far. Never take the coachman beyond his usual limits. Never +pluck a flower in the ornamental grounds without asking permission, +for in these days of ornamental and fanciful gardening it is +necessary to be careful and remember that each flower is a tint in a +well-considered picture. Never dog's-ear or disfigure the books, or +leave them lying about; if you take them from their shelves, put +them back. Be thoughtful in your treatment of the servants, and give +those who immediately wait upon you some small gratuity. And if +family prayers are read, always try to be present. + +So much for the possibility of a "summer entertainment" at a +country-house, one of the most agreeable of all, if the apple- +blossoms are just out, and the charm of spring is over the whole +scene. + +We hear of a "rustic masquerade" as one of the spring entertainments +at a country-house in Orange. This, it would seem, might be very +suitable all over the country, if woods and water are near enough +for the shepherds and shepherdesses. A copy of the garden parties +which made Boucher the painter that he was, and in which we almost +hear the wind rustling through the sedge, the refreshing murmur of +the fountain, and see the gayly dressed marquise put her violet +slipper on the turf, and the elegant and stately gentlemen as they +light up the neighboring arbor with their fine silk coats in his +pictures--a copy of such garden parties as those which made +Watteau's fame (he has put them all on the fans, and the young +people have only to copy them)--this would indeed be a "rustic +masquerade," which might amuse and "draw" for a charity. Many of our +country towns on the borders of lakes, many of the places near New +York in their own fine grounds, would offer a terrestrial paradise +for such a garden party. + +To drive out to Jerome Park to breakfast, to get the early +strawberry and the delicious cream--this is a spring entertainment +which many of our business men indulge in, coming back to their work +in New York refreshed and invigorated. The men of pleasure of this +period have, as they have always had, an ample provision of +amusement--not always the most useful, it is true--yet we are glad +to see that the out-of-door excitements begin to distance the +excitements of the gaming-table. Betting on the turf is not carried +to the ruinous extent here that it is in England, while the polo, +the base-ball, the boating, and the "riding to hounds "--open to +ridicule as it is, in some ways of looking at it--are all healthful. +The spring season has its little dinners, lunches, and weddings, but +very few evening entertainments. + +After a young girl has ransacked the fashionable world all winter, +and been at all the fˆtes and balls, concerts, operas, and suppers, +she does not care for parties in May. Such infatuated ardor for +amusement would make sad havoc of her charms if she did. It is quite +enough if she finishes her exciting winter with a fancy dance or +private theatricals at some charitable entertainment. + +A high tea is served in courses like a dinner, excepting with less +formality. The lady sits at one end of the table with the silver +tea-tray before her, while the gentleman has before him cold +chicken, or even, perhaps, a hot dish like roast partridges, to +carve. Frequently scalloped oysters are passed, and always salads, +so that those who are in the habit of dining at that hour have a +solid meal. There are hot cakes and biscuits and sweetmeats on the +table, so that it is really the old-fashioned tea of our +grandmothers re-enforced by some solid dishes. It is intended to +save the servants trouble on Sunday evening, but it is really more +trouble to them as now served, as it gives the waiter additional +dishes to wash, and quite as much service. It saves the cook, +however. + +CHAPTER XLII. FLORAL TRIBUTES AND DECORATIONS. + +When every steamer leaving these shores goes out laden with people +who are weighed down with flowers, it cannot but be a severe tax on +the ingenuity of the florist to devise novel and appropriate forms +for the typical basket that shall say _bon voyage_ in a thousand new +ways. Floral ships, anchors, stars, crosses, mottoes, monograms, and +even the national flag, have been used for these steamer +decorations. + +But the language of flowers, so thoroughly understood among the +Persians that a single flower expresses a complete declaration of +love, an offer of marriage, and, presumably, a hint at the +settlement, is, with our more practical visionaries and enthusiasts +of the nineteenth century, rather an echo of the stock market than a +poetical fancy. We fear that no prima donna looks at her flowers +without a thought of how much they have cost, and that the belle +estimates her bouquet according to the commercial value of a lily- +of-the-valley as compared with that of a Jacqueminot rose, rather +than as flowers simply. It is a pity that the overwhelming luxury of +an extravagant period involves in its all-powerful grasp even the +flowers of the field, those generous gifts of sunshine and of rain. + +But so it is. It is a well-known fact that the lady who will give +her order three months in advance for the flowers needed for her +daughter's wedding, or for any other grand ceremonial, can, by +offering a sufficiently large amount of money, command any flower +she wishes. Even daisies and buttercups, red clover and white, the +delicate forget-me-not of the garden, nasturtiums and marigolds, the +shy and tender anemone, the dandelion and lilacs and lilies-of-the- +valley, may be forced into unnatural bloom in January. It is a +favorite caprice to put the field-flowers of June on a lunch-table +in January. + +This particular table is the greatest of all the consumers of +flowers, therefore we may begin by describing some of the new +fancies developed by that extraordinarily luxurious meal. A lady's +lunch must show not only baskets of magnificent flowers up and down +the table; but it must also bear a basket or a bouquet for each +lady. + +One of the most regal lunches, given to twenty-eight ladies, set the +fashion for using little gilt baskets, with covers opening on either +side of the handle--the kind of basket, of a larger size, in which, +in New England and in Old England, Dame Trot carried her +multifarious parcels home from market. These pretty and useful +baskets had on each side a bunch of flowers peeping out through the +open cover, and on the gilt handle was tied a ribbon corresponding +in color to the flowers. One of them, having soft pink rosebuds of +exceeding size and loveliness on one side and a bunch of lilies-of- +the-valley on the other, with a bow of pink satin ribbon on the +handle, was as pretty a picture as ever Kate Greenaway devised. +Another, showing the strong contrast of purple pansies and yellow +daffodils, and tied with a lovely purple satin ribbon, was a dream +of rich color. + +The stiff, formal, flat bouquets of yellow daffodils and bunches of +violets, tied with purple ribbon, make a very fine effect laid in +regular order at each plate. Repetition of a favorite idea in +flowers is not ugly, although it seems at first very far from the +primeval and delicious confusion in which nature throws her bouquets +down upon upland and meadow. + +In the arrangement of roses the most varied and whimsical fancies +may be displayed, although the most gorgeous effect is produced, +perhaps, by massing a single color or group. A basket of the pink +Gloire de Paris, however, with its redundant green foliage, +alternated with deep-red Jacqueminots, is a very splendid fancy, and +will fill a room with fragrance. In February these roses cost two +dollars apiece, and it was no rare sight to see four or six baskets, +each containing forty roses, on one table during the winter of 1884. + +We advise all ladies going into the country to purchase some of the +little "Dame Trot" baskets, as they will be lovely when filled with +wild-flowers during the summer. Indeed, the gilt basket, fitted with +a tin pan to hold earth or water, is such a cheap and pretty +receptacle for either growing or cut flowers that it ought to be a +belonging of every dinner-table. + +From the lunch-table, with its baskets and floral fancies, we come +to the dinner-table. Here the space is so valuable that the floral +bag, an ingenious plan by which roses may be hung at the side of the +wearer, has been invented. This is a novel and very pretty way of +wearing flowers. The roses or other flowers are tied together with +wires, in the shape of a reticule, and a ribbon and pin provided, so +that the lady may fasten her floral trophy at her side. The baskets +of flowers and the adornments of the _‚pergne_ for a dinner are very +apt to be all of one flower. If mixed, they are of two sorts, as +yellow roses and red ones, or white and pink, or, may be, half of +lilacs and half of roses, or purple pansies and bright yellow +flowers. Some tables are set with scarlet carnations alone, and the +effect is very fine. + +For wedding decorations, houses are now filled with palm-trees in +pots and orange-trees in full bearing. An entire suite of rooms is +made into a bower of large-leaved plants. Mirrors are covered with +vines, wreaths, and climbing roses, trained across a trellis of +wire. The bride stands under a floral umbrella, which juts out into +the room. The monograms of bride and bridegroom are put in floral +shields against the wall, like the _cartouche_ on which the names +and the titles of an Egyptian king are emblazoned in the solitude of +the Pyramids. The bouquets carried by brides and bridesmaids are now +extraordinarily large, measuring a foot or more across the top. + +Tulips have always been favorite ornaments for the dinner-table. +These flowers, so fine in drawing and so splendid in color, produce +an extremely brilliant effect in large masses. As Easter approaches, +lilies come in for especial notice, and the deep Japan cup-lily, +grouped with the stately callas, and the garden-lily, with its long +yellow stamens and rich perfume, worthily fill the _‚pergnes_. + +Hyacinths are lovely harbingers of spring, and are beautiful in +color; but there is a strong objection to this flower as a +decoration, its heavy perfume being unpleasant to some people. + +A fish-basket filled with bunches of lilies, mignonette, deep pink +moss-roses shaded to the pale tints of the rose known as the +Baroness de Rothschild, with a glowing centre of warm red +Jacqueminots and a fringe of purple pansies and Mar‚chal Niels, was +one of many beautiful floral ornaments on a magnificent dinner- +table. + +In spite of the attempt to prevent the extravagant use of flowers at +funerals, we still see on those sad occasions some new and rather +poetic ideas expressed by floral emblems. One of these, called the +"Gates Ajar," was very beautiful: the "gates" panelled with lilies, +and surmounted by doves holding sprays of passion-vines in their +beaks. + +Palms crossed, and clasped by roses and ribbons, an oblique cross of +roses lying on a bed of ivy, a basket made of ivy and autumn leaves, +holding a sheaf of grain and a sickle of violets, an ivy pillow with +a cross of flowers on one side, a bunch of pansies held by a knot of +ribbon at one corner, a cross made of ivy alone, a "harvest-field" +made of ears of wheat, are some of the many new funereal designs +which break the monotony of the dreadful white crosses, crowns, and +anchors, hearts and wreaths, of the past. + +It is no longer necessary to exclude color from these tributes to +the dead. Indeed, some of the most beautiful designs noticed at +recent funerals have been composed of colored flowers. + +For a christening, a floral cradle or swinging hammock, a bowl, a +silver cup full of the tiniest flowers, are all favorite designs. A +large table of flowers, with the baby's initials in the centre, was +sent to one happy young mother on a recent auspicious occasion; and +far more lovely was a manger of flowers, with the "Star of the East" +hanging above it, all made of that pretty white flower the Star of +Bethlehem. + +Strange contrasts of flowers have been made: purple lilacs and the +blue forget-me-nots were a favorite combination--"stylish, not +pretty," was the whispered criticism. + +The yellow marigold, a sort of small sunflower, has been the +favorite "caprice" for _bouquets de corsage_. This is as near to an +actual sunflower as the aesthetes have ventured to approach. With +us, perhaps, there is no more splendid yellow than this marigold, +and it admirably sets off a black or sage green dress. + +An extravagant lady, at a ball, wore around her white dress skirt a +fringe of real violets. Although less effective than the artificial +ones, they had a pretty appearance until they drooped and faded. +This adornment cost one hundred and fifty dollars. + +A rainbow has been attempted in flowers, but with poor success. It +will look like a ribbon--a very handsome ribbon, no doubt; but the +_arc-en-ciel_ evades reproduction, even in the transcendent +prismatic colors of flowers. + +Ribbons have been used with flowers, and add much to their effect; +for, since the Arcadian days of Rosalind and Celia, a flower, a +ribbon, and a pretty girl, have been associated with each other in +prose, poetry, painting, and romance. + +The hanging-baskets, filled with blooming plants, trailers, and +ferns, have been much used at weddings to add to the bower-like +appearance of the rooms; and altars and steps of churches have been +richly adorned with flowering plants and palm-trees and other +luxuriant foliage. + +The prices paid for flowers have been enormous. One thousand dollars +for the floral decorations for a single dinner has not been an +uncommon price. But the expenditure of such large sums for flowers +has not been unprofitable. The flowers grow finer every day, and, as +an enterprising florist, who had given a "rose tea" to his patrons, +remarked, "Every large order inspires us to produce a finer flower." + +CHAPTER XLIII. THE FORK AND THE SPOON. + +A correspondent writes, "How shall I carry my fork to my mouth?" The +fork should be raised laterally to the mouth with the right hand; +the elbow should never be crooked, so as to bring the hand round at +a right angle, or the fork directly opposite the mouth. The mother +cannot begin too early to inculcate good manners at the table, and +among the first things that young children should learn is the +proper use of the fork. + +Again, the fork should not be overloaded. To take meat and +vegetables and pack them on the poor fork, as if it were a beast of +burden, is a common American vulgarity, born of our hurried way of +eating at railway-stations and hotels. But it is an unhealthy and an +ill-mannered habit. To take but little on the fork at a time, a +moderate mouthful, shows good manners and refinement. The knife must +never be put into the mouth at any time--that is a remnant of +barbarism. + +Another correspondent asks, "Should cheese be eaten with a fork?" We +say, decidedly, "Yes," although good authorities declare that it may +be put on a morsel of bread with a knife, and thus conveyed to the +mouth. Of course we refer to the soft cheeses--like Gorgonzola, +Brie, cream-cheese, Neufchatel, Limburger, and the like--which are +hardly more manageable than butter. Of the hard cheeses, one may +convey a morsel to the month with the thumb and forefinger; but, as +a general rule, it is better to use the fork. + +Now as to the spoon: it is to be used for soup, for strawberries and +cream, for all stewed fruit and preserves, and for melons, which, +from their juiciness, cannot be conveniently eaten with a fork. +Peaches and cream, all the "wet dishes," as Mrs. Glasse was wont to +call them, must be eaten with a spoon. Roman punch is always eaten +with a spoon. + +On elegant tables, each plate or "cover" is accompanied by two large +silver knives, a small silver knife and fork for fish, a small fork +for the oysters on the half-shell, a large table-spoon for soup, and +three large forks. The napkin is folded in the centre, with a piece +of bread in it. As the dinner progresses, the knife and fork and +spoon which have been used are taken away with the plate. This saves +confusion, and the servant has not to bring fresh knives and forks +all the time. Fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork; for +if it is full of bones, like shad, for instance, it is very +difficult to manage it without the aid of a knife. + +For sweetbreads, cutlets, roast beef, etc., the knife is also +necessary; but for the _croquettes_, _rissoles_, _bouch‚es … la +Reine_, _timbales_, and dishes of that class, the fork alone is +needed. A majority of the made dishes in which the French excel are +to be eaten with the fork. + +After the dinner has been eaten, and the dessert reached, we must +see to it that everything is cleared off but the table-cloth, which +is now never removed. A dessert-plate is put before each guest, and +a gold or silver spoon, a silver dessert spoon and fork, and often a +queer little combination of fork and spoon, called an "ice-spoon." + +In England, strawberries are always served with the green stems, and +each one is taken up with the fingers, dipped in sugar, and thus +eaten. Many foreigners pour wine over their strawberries, and then +eat them with a fork, but this seems to be detrimental to the +natural flavor of the king of berries. + +Pears and apples should be peeled with a silver knife, cut into +quarters, and then picked up with the fingers. Oranges should be +peeled, and cut or separated, as the eater chooses. Grapes should be +eaten from behind the half-closed hand, the stones and skin falling +into the fingers unobserved, and thence to the plate. Never swallow +the stones of small fruits; it is extremely dangerous. The pineapple +is almost the only fruit which requires both knife and fork. + +So much has the fork come into use of late that a wit observed that +he took everything with it but afternoon tea. The thick chocolate, +he observed, often served at afternoon entertainments, could be +eaten comfortably with a fork, particularly the whipped cream on top +of it. + +A knife and fork are both used in eating salad, if it is not cut up +before serving. A large lettuce leaf cannot be easily managed +without a knife, and of course the fork must be used to carry it to +the mouth. Thus, as bread, butter, and cheese are served with the +salad, the salad knife and fork are really essential. Salt-cellars +are now placed at each plate, and it is not improper to take salt +with your knife. + +Dessert-spoons and small forks do not form a part of the original +"cover;" that is, they are not put on at the beginning of the +dinner, but are placed before the guests according as they are +needed; as, for instance, when the Roman punch arrives before the +game, and afterwards when the plum-pudding or pastry is served +before the ices. + +The knives and forks are placed on each side of the plate, ready for +the hand. + +For the coffee after dinner a very small spoon is served, as a large +one would be out of place in the small cups that are used. Indeed, +the variety of forks and spoons now in use on a well-furnished table +is astonishing. + +One of our esteemed correspondents asks, "How much soup should be +given to each person?" A half-ladleful is quite enough, unless it is +a country dinner, where a full ladleful may be given without +offence; but do not fill the soup-plate. + +In carving a joint of fowl the host ought to make sure of the +condition of both knife and fork. Of course a good carver sees to +both before dinner. The knife should be of the best cutlery, well +sharpened, and the fork long, strong, and furnished with a guard. + +In using the spoon be very careful not to put it too far into the +mouth. It is a fashion with children to polish their spoons in a +somewhat savage fashion, but the guest at a dinner-party should +remember, in the matter of the dessert-spoon especially (which is a +rather large implement for the mouth), not to allow even the +clogging influences of cabinet pudding to induce him to give his +spoon too much leeway; as in all etiquette of the table, the spoon +has its difficulties and dangers. Particularly has the soup-spoon +its Scylla and Charybdis, and if a careless eater make a hissing +sound as he eats his soup, the well-bred diner-out looks round with +dismay. + +There are always people happy in their fashion of eating, as in +everything else. There is no such infallible proof of good-breeding +and of early usage as the conduct of a man or woman at dinner. But, +as every one has not had the advantage of early training, it is well +to study these minute points of table etiquette, that one may learn +how to eat without offending the sensibility of the well-bred. +Especially study the fork and the spoon. There is, no doubt, a great +diversity of opinion on the Continent with regard to the fork. It is +a common German fashion, even with princes, to put the knife into +the month. Italians are not always particular as to its use, and +cultivated Russians, Swedes, Poles, and Danes often eat with their +knives or forks indiscriminately. + +But Austria, which follows French fashions, the Anglo-Saxon race in +England, America, and the colonies, all French people, and those +elegant Russians who emulate French manners, deem the fork the +proper medium of communication between the plate and the mouth. + +CHAPTER XLIV. NAPKINS AND TABLE-CLOTHS. + +The elegance of a table depends essentially upon its napery. The +plainest of meals is made a banquet if the linen be fresh, fine, and +smooth, and the most sumptuous repast can be ruined by a soiled and +crumpled table-cloth. The housewife who wishes to conduct her house +in elegance must make up her mind to use five or six sets of +napkins, and to have several dozens of each ready for possible +demands. + +A napkin should never be put on the table a second time until it has +been rewashed; therefore, napkin-rings should be abandoned-- +relegated to the nursery tea-table. + +Breakfast napkins are of a smaller size than dinner napkins, and are +very pretty if they bear the initial letter of the family in the +centre. Those of fine, double damask, with a simple design, such as +a snow-drop or a mathematical figure, to match the table-cloth, are +also pretty. In the end, the economy in the wear pays a young house- +keeper to invest well in the best of napery--double damask, good +Irish linen. Never buy poor or cheap napkins; they are worn out +almost immediately by washing. + +Coarse, heavy napkins are perhaps proper for the nursery and +children's table. If children dine with their parents, they should +have a special set of napkins for their use, and some very careful +mammas make these with tapes to tie around the youthful necks. It is +better in a large family, where there are children, to have heavy +and coarse table-linen for every-day use. It is not an economy to +buy colored cloths, for they must be washed as often as if they were +white, and no color stands the hard usage of the laundry as well as +pure white. + +Colored napery is, therefore, the luxury of a well-appointed country +house, and has its use in making the breakfast and luncheon table +look a little unlike the dinner. Never use a parti-colored damask +for the dinner-table. + +Those breakfast cloths of pink, or yellow, or light-blue and white, +or drab, are very pretty with napkins to match; but after having +been washed a few times they become very dull in tint, and are not +as agreeable to the eye as white, which grows whiter with every +summer's bleaching. Ladies who live in the city should try to send +all their napery to the country at least once a year, and let it lie +on the grass for a good bleaching. It seems to keep cleaner +afterwards. + +For dinner, large and handsome napkins, carefully ironed and folded +simply, with a piece of bread inside, should lie at each plate. +These should be removed when the fruit course is brought, and with +each finger-bowl should be a colored napkin, with which to dry the +fingers. + +Pretty little fanciful doyleys are now also put under the finger- +bowl, merely to be looked at. Embroidered with quaint designs, these +little three-inch things are very ornamental; but the real and +serviceable doyley should not be forgotten, and may be laid either +beside or over the top of the finger-bowl. + +Many ladies are so extravagant that they have a second napkin of +small size put on for that part of the dessert which precedes the +fruit, but this involves so much trouble to both the guest and the +waiter that it is not ordinarily done. + +The napkins made at Berlin, with drawn thread and knotted fringe and +lace effects, are very handsome. They are also made at the South +Kensington schools, and in Paris, and by the Decorative Art Society +in New York, and are beautifully wrought with monogram and crest in +red, white, and blue thread. But no napkin is ever more thoroughly +elegant than the very thick, fine, and substantial plain damask, +which becomes more pure and smooth every time that it is cleansed. + +However, as one of our great dinner-givers in New York has ordered +twenty-four dozen of the handsome, drawn-thread napkins from one +establishment at Berlin, we must conclude that they will become the +fashion. + +When breakfast is made a formal meal--that is, when company is +invited to come at a stated hour-_-serviettes_, or large dinner- +napkins, must be placed at each plate, as for a dinner. But they are +never used at a "stand-up" breakfast, nor are doyleys or finger- +bowls. + +If any accident happens, such as the spilling of a glass of wine or +the upsetting of a plate, the _d‚bris_ should be carefully cleared +away, and the waiter should spread a clean napkin over the +desecrated table-cloth. Large, white napkins are invariably used at +luncheon, and the smaller ones kept for breakfast and tea. Some +ladies like the little, fringed napkins for tea, but to look well +these must be very carefully washed and ironed. + +Never fasten your napkin around your neck; lay it across your knees, +convenient to the hand, and lift one corner only to wipe the mouth. +Men who wear a mustache are permitted to "saw" the mouth with the +napkin, as if it were a bearing-rein, but for ladies this would look +too masculine. + +Napkins at hotels are now folded, in a half-wet condition, into all +sorts of shapes: a goose, a swan, a ship, a high boot, are all +favorite and fanciful designs; but this is a dirty fashion, +requiring the manipulation of hands which are not always fresh, and +as the napkin must be damp at the folding, it is not always dry when +shaken out. Nothing is so unhealthy as a damp napkin; it causes +agony to a delicate and nervous lady, a man with the rose-cold, a +person with neuralgia or rheumatism, and is offensive to every one. +Never allow a napkin to be placed on the table until it has been +well aired. There is often a conspiracy between the waiter and the +laundress in great houses, both wishing to shirk work, the result of +which is that the napkins, not prepared at the proper time, are put +on the table damp. + +A house-keeper should have a large chest to contain napery which is +not to be used every day. This reserved linen should be washed and +aired once a year at least, to keep it from moulding and becoming +yellow. + +Our Dutch ancestors were very fond of enriching a chest of this +kind, and many housewives in New York and Albany are to-day using +linen brought from Holland three hundred years ago. + +The napery made in Ireland has, however, in our day taken the place +of that manufactured in other countries. It is good, cheap, and +sometimes very handsome, and if it can be bought unadulterated with +cotton it will last many years. + +Very little starch should be put in napkins. No one wishes to wipe a +delicate lip on a board, and a stiff napkin is very like that +commodity. + +At dinner-parties in England, in the days of William the Fourth, a +napkin was handed with each plate. As the guest took his plate and +new napkin, he allowed the one which he had used to fall to the +floor, and when he went away from the table he left a snowy pile of +napery behind him. + +The use of linen for the table is one of the oldest of fashions, The +early Italian tables were served with such beautiful lace-worked +napkins that we cannot equal them to-day. Queen Elizabeth's napkins +were edged with lace made in Flanders, and were an important item of +expense in her day-book. + +Fringed, embroidered, and colored napkins made of silk are used by +Chinese and Japanese magnates. These articles may be washed, and are +restored to their original purity by detergent agents that are +unknown to us. The Chinese also use little napkins of paper, which +are very convenient for luncheon baskets and picnics. + +One of our correspondents asks us if she should fold her napkin +before leaving the table. At a fashionable meal, no. At a social tea +or breakfast, yes, if her hostess does so. There is no absolute law +on this subject. + +At a fashionable dinner no one folds his napkin. He lets it drop to +the floor, or lays it by the side of his plate unfolded. When the +fruit napkin is brought he takes it from the glass plate on which it +is laid, and either places it at his right hand or across his knee, +and the "illuminated rag," as some wit called the little embroidered +doyley, which is not meant for use, is, after having been examined +and admired, laid on the table, beside the finger-bowl. These pretty +little trifles can serve several times the purpose of ornamenting +the finger-bowl. + +Napkins, when laid away in a chest or drawer, should have some +pleasant, cleanly herb like lavender or sweet-grass, or the old- +fashioned clover, or bags of Oriental orris-root, put between them, +that they may come to the table smelling of these delicious scents. + +Nothing is more certain to destroy the appetite of a nervous +dyspeptic than a napkin that smells of greasy soap. There is a +laundry soap now in use which leaves a very unpleasant odor in the +linen, and napkins often smell so strongly of it as to take away the +desire for food. + +Perhaps the influence of Delmonico upon the public has been in +nothing more strongly shown than in the effect produced by his +always immaculate napery. It was not common in American eating- +houses, when he began, to offer clean table-cloths and clean +napkins. Now no decent diner will submit to any other than a clean +napkin. Every lady, therefore, who aspires to elegant housekeeping, +should remember that she must never allow the same napkin to be put +on her table twice. Once used, it must be sent to the laundry before +it is put on the table again. + +CHAPTER XLV. SERVANTS, THEIR DRESS AND DUTIES. + +As we read that a West Point hotel-keeper has recently dismissed all +his waiters who would not shave off their mustaches, we must begin +to believe that the heretofore heedless American is considering the +appearance of his house and carriage-servants. In the early days of +the republic, before Thomas Jefferson tied his horse's rein to the +palings of the fence and sauntered into the Capitol to be +inaugurated, the aristocrats of the various cities had a livery for +their servants. But after such a dash of cold water in the face of +established usage by the Chief Magistrate of the Country, many of +the old forms and customs of Colonial times fell into disuse, and +among others the wearing of a livery by serving-men. A constantly +declining grade of shabbiness was the result of this, as the driver +of the horses wore a coat and hat of the same style as his master, +only less clean and new. Like many of our American ideas so good in +theory, the outcome of this attempt at "Liberty, Equality, and +Fraternity," was neither conducive to neatness nor elegance. + +But so strongly was the prejudice against liveries instilled into +the public mind that only seven years ago a gentleman of the most +aristocratic circle of aristocratic Philadelphia declared that he +refrained from having a liveried servant behind his carriage from +fear of shocking public opinion. In New York the presence of a +large, foreign, social element long ago brought about a revulsion of +opinion in this matter, and now most persons who desire a neat, +plain, and appropriate style of dress for their coachmen and footmen +put them in a livery, for which the master pays. Those who are +particular in such matters do not allow a waiter or a footman to +wear a mustache, and require all men-servants to be clean-shaven, +except the coachman, who is permitted to wear whiskers. Each must +have his hair cut short, and the waiter must wear white gloves while +waiting at table or when handing refreshments; even a glass of water +on a silver salver must be brought with a gloved hand. + +Many ladies have much trouble in impressing upon their men-servants +the necessity for personal neatness. The ordinary attire of a butler +is a black dress-coat, with white cravat and white cotton gloves. A +waiter who attends the door in a large establishment, and who is one +of many servants, is usually in a quiet livery--a frock-coat with +brass buttons, and a striped waistcoat. Some families affect the +scarlet waistcoat for their footman, which, indeed, may be used with +very good effect for the negro servant. + +Neatness is indispensable; a slovenly and inattentive servant +betrays a slovenly household. Yet servants often do their employers +great injustice. They are slow to respond to the bell, they give +uncivil answers, they deny one person and admit another, they fail +to deliver notes, they are insolent, they neglect the orders of the +mistress when she is out. We cannot expect perfection in our +domestic service, but it is possible, by painstaking and patient +teaching, to create a respectable and helpful serving class. +Servants are very apt to take their tone from their employers--to be +civil if they are civil, and insolent if they are insolent. The head +of the house is very apt to be copied by his flunkies. One primal +law we must mention--a hostess should never reprove her servants in +the presence of her guests; it is cruel both to guest and servant, +and always shows the hostess in an unamiable light. Whatever may go +wrong, the lady of the house should remain calm; if she is +anguished, who can be happy? + +We have not here, nominally, that helpful treasure known in England +as the parlor-maid. We call her a waitress, and expect her to do all +the work of one floor. Such a person can be trained by a good +housekeeper to be a most admirable servant. She must be told to rise +early, to attend to the sweeping of the door-steps, to open the +blinds, to light the fires, and to lay the breakfast-table. She must +appear in a neat calico dress, white apron and cap, and wait upon +the family at breakfast. After breakfast, the gentlemen will expect +her to brush their hats, to bring overcoats and overshoes, and to +find the umbrellas. She must answer the door-bell as well, so should +be nimble-footed and quick-witted. When breakfast is over, she must +remove the dishes and wash them, clean the silver, and prepare for +the next meal. In well-regulated households there is a day for +sweeping, a day for silver cleaning, a clay for mirror-polishing, +and another for making bright and neat the fireplaces; but each one +of these duties requires a certain share of attention every day. The +parlor must be dusted, and the fires attended to, of course, so the +parlor-maid, or the waitress, in a large family has much to do. The +best girls for this arduous situation are English, but they are very +difficult to procure. The Germans are not apt to remain long with +one family. The best available parlor-maids are Irishwomen who have +lived some time in this country. + +A servant often sins from ignorance, therefore time spent in +teaching her is not wasted. She should be supplied with such +utensils as facilitate work, and one very good house-keeper declares +that the virtue of a waitress depends upon an infinity of crash. And +there is no doubt that a large supply of towels is a constant +suggestion of cleanliness that is a great moral support to a +waitress. + +In these days, when parlors are filled with bric-…-brac, a parlor- +maid has no time to do laundry-work, except such part of it as may +pertain to her personally. The best of all arrangements is to hire a +laundress, who will do all the washing of the house. Even in a very +economical household this has been found to be the best plan, +otherwise there is always an unexplained delay when the bell rings. +The appearance at the door of a dishevelled maid, with arms covered +with soapsuds, is not ornamental. If a cook can be found who will +also undertake to do the washing and ironing, it is a better and +more satisfactory arrangement. But in our growing prosperity this +functionary has assumed new and extraordinary importance, and will +do nothing but cook. + +A young house-keeper beginning her life in a great city finds +herself frequently confronted with the necessity of having four +servants--a cook, a laundress, a waiter or parlor-maid (sometimes +both), and a chamber-maid. None of these excellent auxiliaries is +willing to do the other's work: they generally quarrel. So the first +experience of house-keeping is not agreeable. But it is possible to +find two servants who, if properly trained, will do all the service +of a small family, and do it well. + +The mistress must carefully define the work of each, or else hire +them with the understanding that neither shall ever say, "This is +not my work." It is sometimes quite impossible to define what is the +exact duty of each servant. Our house-keeping in this country is so +chaotic, and our frequent changes of house and fortune cause it to +partake so much of the nature of a provisional government, that +every woman must be a Louis Napoleon, and ready for a _coup d'‚tat_ +at any moment. + +The one thing which every lady must firmly demand from her servants +is respect. The harassed and troubled American woman who has to cope +with the worst servants in the world--the ill-trained, incapable, +and vicious peasantry of Europe, who come here to be "as good as +anybody," and who see that it is easily possible to make a living in +America whether they are respectful or not--that woman has a very +arduous task to perform. + +But she must gain at least outward respect by insisting upon having +it, and by showing her servants that she regards it as even a +greater desideratum than the efficient discharge of duties. The +mistress must not lose her temper. She must be calm, imperturbable, +and dignified, always. If she gives an order, she must insist, at +whatever personal cost, that it shall be obeyed. Pertinacity and +inflexibility on this point are well bestowed. + +Where there are children, the nurse is, of course, a most important +part of the household, and often gives more trouble than any of the +other servants, for she is usually an elderly person, impatient of +control, and "set in her ways." The mistress must make her obey at +once. Nurses are only human, and can be made to conform to the rules +by which humanity is governed. + +Ladies have adopted for their nurses the French style of dress--dark +stuff gowns, white aprons, and caps. French nurses are, indeed, very +much the fashion, as it is deemed all-important that children should +learn to speak French as soon as they can articulate. But it is so +difficult to find a French nurse who will speak the truth that many +mothers have renounced the accomplished Gaul and hired the Anglo- +Saxon, who is often not more veracious. + +No doubt there was better service when servants were fewer, and when +the mistress looked well after the ways of her household, and +performed certain domestic duties herself. In those early days it +was she who made the best pastry and sweetmeats. It was she who +wrought at the quilting-frame and netted the best bed-curtains. It +was she who darned the table-cloth, with a neatness and exactness +that made the very imperfection a beauty. It was she who made the +currant wine and the blackberry cordial. She knew all the secrets of +clear starching, and taught the ignorant how to do their work +through her educated intelligence. She had, however, native +Americans to teach, and not Irish, Germans, or Swedes. Now, few +native-born Americans will become servants, and the difficulties of +the mistress are thereby increased. + +A servant cannot be too carefully taught her duty to visitors. +Having first ascertained whether her mistress is at home or not, in +order to save a lady the trouble of alighting from her carriage, she +should answer the ring of the door-bell without loss of time. She +should treat all callers with respect and civility, but at the same +time she should be able to discriminate between friend and foe, and +not unwarily admit those innumerable cheats, frauds, and beggars +who, in a respectable garb, force an entrance to one's house for the +purpose of theft, or perhaps to sell a cement for broken crockery, +or the last thing in hair-dye. + +Conscientious servants who comprehend their duties, and who try to +perform them, should, after a certain course of discipline, be +allowed to follow their own methods of working. Interference and +fault-finding injure the temper of an inferior; while suspicion is +bad for anybody, and especially operates against the making of a +good servant. + +To assure your servants that you believe them to be honest is to fix +in them the habit of honesty. To respect their rights, their hours +of recreation, their religion, their feelings, to wish them good- +night and good-morning (after the pretty German fashion), to assist +them in the writing of their letters and in the proper investment of +their earnings, to teach them to read and write and to make their +clothes, so that they may be useful to themselves when they leave +servitude--all this is the pleasurable duty of a good mistress, and +such a course makes good servants. + +All ignorant natures seek a leader; all servants like to be +commanded by a strong, honest, fair, judicious mistress. They seek +her praise; they fear her censure, not as slaves dread the whip of +the tyrant, but as soldiers respect their superior officer. Bad +temper, injustice, and tyranny make eye-service, but not heart- +service. + +Irresolute persons who do not know their own minds, and cannot +remember their own orders, make very poor masters and mistresses. It +is better that they should give up the business of house-keeping, +and betake themselves to the living in hotels or boarding-houses +with which our English cousins taunt us, little knowing that the +nomadic life they condemn is the outcome of their own failure to +make good citizens of those offscourings of jail and poorhouse and +Irish shanty which they send to us under the guise of domestic +servants. + +Familiarity with servants always arouses their contempt; a mistress +can be kind without being familiar. She must remember that the +servant looks up to her over the great gulf of a different condition +of life and habit--over the great gulf of ignorance, and that, in +the order of nature, she should respect not only the person in +authority, but the being, as superior to herself. This salutary +influence is thrown away if the mistress descend to familiarity and +intimacy. Certain weak mistresses vary their attitude towards their +servants, first assuming a familiarity of manner which is +disgusting, and which the servant does not mistake for kindness, and +then a tyrannical severity which is as unreasonable as the +familiarity, and, like it, is only a spasm of an ill-regulated mind. + +Servants should wear thin shoes in the house, and be told to step +lightly, not to slam doors, or drop china, or to rattle forks and +spoons. A quiet servant is the most certain of domestic blessings. +Neatness, good manners, and faithfulness have often insured a stupid +servant of no great efficiency a permanent home with a family. If to +these qualities be added a clear head, an active body, and a +respectful manner, we have that rare article--a perfect servant. + +CHAPTER XLVI. THE HOUSE WITH ONE SERVANT. + +Many large families in this country employ but one servant. Although +when life was simpler it was somewhat easier than it is now to +conduct a house with such assistance as may be offered by a maid-of- +all-work, it was necessary even then for the ladies of the house to +do some portion of the lighter domestic work. + +It is a very good plan, when there are several daughters in the +family, to take turns each to test her talent as a house-keeper and +organizer. If, however, the mistress keep the reins in her own +hands, she can detail one of these young ladies to sweep and dust +the parlors, another to attend to the breakfast dishes, another to +make sure that the maid has not neglected any necessary cleansing of +the bedrooms. + +A mother with young children must have a thoroughly defined and +understood system for the daily work to render it possible for one +servant to perform it all. + +The maid must rise very early on Monday morning, and do some part of +the laundry work before breakfast. Many old American servants (when +there were such) put the clothes in water to soak, and sometimes to +boil, on Sunday night, that night not having the religious +significance in New England that Saturday night had. + +Nowadays, however, Irish girls expect to have a holiday every other +Sunday afternoon and evening, and it would probably be vain to +expect this service of them. But at least they should rise by five +o'clock, and do two hours' good work before it is time to prepare +the breakfast and lay the table. + +A neat-handed Phyllis will have a clean gown, cap, and apron hanging +in the kitchen closet, and slip them on before she carries in the +breakfast, which she has cooked and must serve. Some girls show +great tact in this matter of appearing neat at the right time, but +many of them have to be taught by the mistress to have a clean cap +and apron in readiness. The mistress usually furnishes these items +of her maid's attire, and they should be the property of the +mistress, and remain in the family through all changes of servants. +They can be bought at almost any repository conducted in the +interest of charity for less than they can be made at home, and a +dozen of them in a house greatly improves the appearance of the +servants. + +The cook, having prepared the breakfast and waited at table, places +in front of her mistress a neat, wooden tub, with a little cotton- +yarn mop and two clean towels, and then retreats to the kitchen with +the heavy dishes and knives and forks. The lady proceeds to wash the +glass, silver, and china, draining the things on a waiter, and +wiping them on her dainty linen towels. It is not a disagreeable +operation, and all gentlemen say they like to eat and drink from +utensils which have been washed by a lady. + +Having put away the glass and china, the lady shakes the table- +cloth, folds it, and puts it away. She then takes a light brush +broom and sweeps the dining-room, and dusts it carefully, opening a +window to air the apartment. When this is done she sets the parlor +in order. The maid-of-all-work should, in the mean time, make a +visit to the bedrooms, and do the heavy work of turning mattresses +and making beds. When this is accomplished she must return to the +kitchen, and after carefully cleaning the pots and kettles that have +been in use for the morning meal, devote an undivided attention to +her arduous duties as laundress. A plain dinner for washing-day--a +beefsteak and some boiled potatoes, a salad, and a pie or pudding +made on the preceding Saturday--is all that should be required of a +maid-of-all-work on Monday. + +The afternoon must be spent in finishing the washing, hanging out +the clothes, and preparing the tea--an easy and informal meal, which +should consist of something easy to cook; for, after all that she +has done during the day, this hard-worked girl must "tidy up" her +kitchen before she can enjoy a well-earned repose. It is so annoying +to a maid-of-all-work to be obliged to open the door for visitors +that ladies often have a little girl or boy for this purpose. In the +country it can be more easily managed. + +Tuesday is ironing-day all over the world, and the maid must be +assisted in this time of emergency by her mistress. Most ladies +understand the process of clear starching and the best method of +ironing fine clothing; if they do not, they should. In fact, a good +house-keeper should know everything; and when a lady gives her +attention to this class of household duties she is invariably more +successful in performing them than a person of less education and +intelligence. + +On Wednesday the maid must bake a part of the bread, cake, and pies +that will be required during the week. In this the mistress helps, +making the light pastry, stoning the raisins, washing the currants, +and beating the eggs. Very often a lady fond of cookery makes all +her dainty dishes, her desserts, and her cakes and pies. She should +help herself with all sorts of mechanical appliances. She should +have the best of egg-beaters, sugar-sifters, bowls in plenty, and +towels and aprons _ad libitum_. She has, if she be a systematic +house-keeper, a store closet, which is her pride, with its neat, +labelled spice-boxes, and its pots of pickles and preserves which +she has made herself, and which, therefore, must be nice. + +The cooking of meat is a thing which so affects the health of people +that every lady should study it thoroughly. No roasts should be +baked. The formulary sounds like a contradiction; but it is the +custom in houses where the necessity of saving labor is an important +consideration, to put the meat that should be roasted in the oven +and bake it. This is very improper, as it dries up all the juice, +which is the life-giving, life-sustaining property of the meat. + +Let every young house-keeper buy a Dutch oven, and either roast the +meat before the coals of a good wood fire, or before the grating of +a range, in which coals take the place of wood. By this method she +saves those properties of a piece of roast beef which are the most +valuable. Otherwise her roast meat will be a chip, a tasteless and a +dry morsel, unpalatable and indigestible. + +The cooking of vegetables is also to be studied; potatoes should not +be over-boiled or underdone, as they are exceedingly unhealthy if +not properly cooked. Bread must be well kneaded and delicately +baked; a woman who understands the uses of fire--and every +householder should--has stolen the secret of Prometheus. + +On Thursday the maid must sweep the house thoroughly, if there are +heavy carpets, as this is work for the strong-armed and the strong- +handed. The mistress can follow with the dusting-brush and the +cloth, and, again, the maid may come in her footstep with step- +ladder, and wipe off mirrors and windows. + +Many ladies have a different calendar from this, and prefer to have +their work done on different days; but whatever may be the system +for the management of a house, it should be strictly carried out, +and all the help that may accrue from punctuality and order rendered +to a maid in the discharge of her arduous and multifarious duties. + +Most families have a sort of general house-cleaning on Friday: +floors are scrubbed and brasses cleaned, the silver given a better +cleansing, and the closets examined, the knives are scoured more +thoroughly, and the lady puts her linen-closet in order, throwing +sweet lavender between the sheets. On Saturday more bread and cake +are baked, the Sunday's dinner prepared, that the maid may have her +Sunday afternoon out, and the busy week is ended with a clean +kitchen, a well-swept and garnished house, and all the cooking done +except the Sunday meat and vegetables. + +To conduct the business of a house through the week, with three +meals each day, and all the work well done; by one maid, is a very +creditable thing to the mistress. The "order which is Heaven's first +law" must be her chief help in this difficult matter; she must be +willing to do much of the light work herself, and she must have a +young, strong, willing maid. + +CHAPTER XLVII. THE HOUSE WITH TWO SERVANTS. + +The great problem of the young or middle-aged house-keeper in large +cities is how to form a neat, happy, comfortable home, and so to +order the house that two servants can accomplish all its work. + +These two servants we call the cook and the waiter, and they must do +all that there is to do, including the washing. + +When life was simpler, this was done without murmuring; but now it +is difficult to find good and trained servants, particularly in New +York, who will fill such places. For to perform the work of a +family--to black the boots, sweep and wash the sidewalk, attend the +door and lay the table, help with the washing and ironing, and make +the fires, as well as sweep and dust, and take care of the silver-- +would seem to require the hands of Briareus. + +It is better to hire a girl "for general house-work," and train her +for her work as waitress, than to take one who has clone nothing +else but wait at table. Be particular, when engaging a girl, to tell +her what she has to do, as many of the lofty kind object +particularly to blacking boots; and as it must be done, it is better +to define it at once. + +A girl filling this position should have, first, the advantage of +system, and the family must keep regular hours. She must rise at +six, or earlier, if necessary, open the front-door and parlor- +blinds, and the dining-room windows, and then proceed to cleanse the +front steps and sidewalk, polish the bell-pull, and make all tidy +about the mats. She must next make the fires, if fires are used in +the house, and carry down the ashes, carefully depositing them where +they will not communicate fire. She must then gather the boots and +shoes from the doors of the sleeping-rooms, and take them to the +laundry, where she should brush them, having a closet there for her +brushes and blacking. Having replaced the boots beside the +respective doors to which they belong, she should make herself neat +and clean, put on her cap and apron, and then prepare for laying the +table for breakfast. This she does not do until she has brushed up +the floor, caused the fire to burn brightly, and in all respects +made the dining-room respectable. + +The laying of the table must be a careful and neat operation; a +clean cloth should be put on, with the fold regularly running down +the middle of the table, the silver and glass and china placed +neatly and in order, the urn-lamp lighted, and the water put to +boil, the napkins fresh and well-folded, and the chairs drawn up in +order on either side. It is well worth a mistress's while to preside +at this work for two or three mornings, to see that her maid +understands her wishes. + +All being in order, the maid may ring a bell, or knock at the doors, +or rouse the family as they may wish. When breakfast is over she +removes the dishes, and washes the silver and china in the pantry. +After putting everything away, and opening a window in the dining- +room, she proceeds to the bedrooms. + +Every one should, before leaving his bedroom, open a window and turn +back the clothes, to air the room and the bed thoroughly. If this +has been neglected, it is the servant's business to do it, and to +make the beds, wash the basins, and leave everything very clean. She +must also dust the bureaus and tables and chairs, hang up the +dresses, put away the shoes, and set everything in order. + +She then descends to the parlor floor, and makes it neat, and thence +to the kitchen, where, if she has time, she does a little washing; +but if there is to be luncheon or early dinner, she cannot do much +until that is prepared, particularly if it is her duty to answer a +bell. In a doctor's house, or in a house where there are many calls, +some one to attend exclusively at the door is almost indispensable. + +After the early dinner or lunch, the maid has a few hours' washing +and ironing before getting ready for the late dinner or tea, which +is the important meal of the day. If she is systematic, and the +family are punctual, a girl can do a great deal of washing and +ironing on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, even if she has to answer +the bell; but if she is not systematic, and the meals are not at +regular hours, she cannot do much. + +On Thursday, which we have already designated as sweeping day, she +must sweep the whole house, all the carpets, shake the rugs in the +back yard, shake and sweep down the heavy curtains, and dust the +mirror-frames with a long feather-duster. The mistress can help her +by insisting that her family shall leave their rooms early, and by +herself refusing to see visitors on sweeping day. + +On Friday, in addition to the usual daily work, the silver must be +polished, the brass rubbed, and the closets (which, in the hurry of +the week's work, may have been neglected), carefully cleaned and +ventilated, On Friday afternoon the napkins and towels should be +washed. + +On Saturday these should be ironed, and everything, so far as +possible, made ready for Sunday. + +The cook, meantime, should rise even earlier than the waiter; should +descend in time to receive the milkman, the iceman, and the +breadman; should unlock the basement-door, sweep out the hall, and +take in the barrels which have been left out with the ashes and +other refuse. + +A cook should be instructed never to give away the beef-dripping, +as, if clarified in cold water, it is excellent for frying oysters, +etc., and saves butter. The cook should air the kitchen and laundry, +build the fire in the range, and sweep carefully before she begins +to cook. + +A careful house-keeper takes care that her cook shall make her +toilet in her room, _not_ in the kitchen. Particularly should she be +made to arrange her hair upstairs, as some cooks have an exceedingly +nasty habit of combing their hair in the kitchen. It will repay a +house-keeper to make several visits to the kitchen at unexpected +hours. + +Cooks vary so decidedly in their way of preparing meals that no +general directions can be given; but the best should be made to +follow certain rules, and the worst should be watched and guarded. A +great cleanliness as to pots and kettles, particularly the +teakettle, should be insisted upon, and the closets, pails, barrels, +etc., be carefully watched. Many a case of typhoid fever can be +traced to the cook's slop-pail, or closets, or sink, and no lady +should be careless of looking into all these places. + +A cook, properly trained, can get up a good breakfast out of remains +of the dinner of the preceding day, or some picked-up cod-fish, +toast, potatoes sliced and fried, or mashed, boiled, stewed, or +baked. The making of good clear coffee is not often understood by +the green Irish cook. The mistress must teach her this useful art, +and also how to make good tea, although the latter is generally made +on the table. + +With the sending up of the breakfast comes the first chance of a +collision between cook and waiter; and disagreeable, bad-tempered +servants make much of this opportunity. The cook in city houses puts +the dinner on the dumb-waiter and sends it up to the waiter, who +takes it off. All the heavy meat-dishes and the greasy plates are +sent down to the cook to wash, and herein lies many a grievance +which the mistress can anticipate and prevent by forbidding the use +of the dumb-waiter if it leads to quarrelling, and by making the +maids carry all the plates and dishes up and down. This course of +treatment will soon cure them of their little tempers. + +In plain households the cook has much less to do than the waiter; +she should therefore undertake the greater part of the washing and +ironing. Many very good cooks will do all the washing and ironing +except the table linen and the towels used by the waiter; and if +this arrangement is made at first, no trouble ensues. The great +trouble in most households comes from the fact that the work is not +definitely divided, and that one servant declares that the other is +imposing upon her. + +If a mistress is fair, honorable, strict, and attentive, she can +thus carry on a large household (if there are no young children) +with two energetic servants. She cannot, of course, have elegant +house-keeping; it is a very arduous undertaking to conduct a city +house with the assistance of only two people. Many young house- +keepers become discouraged, and many old ones do so as well, and +send the washing and ironing to a public laundry. But as small +incomes are the rule, and as most people must economize, it has been +done, and it can be done. The mistress will find it to her advantage +to have a very great profusion of towels and dusters, and also to +supply the kitchen with every requisite utensil for cooking a good +dinner, or for the execution of the ordinary daily work--such tools +as an ice-hammer, a can-opener, plenty of corkscrews, a knife- +sharpener and several large, strong knives, a meat-chopper and +bread-baskets, stone pots and jars. The modern refrigerator has +simplified kitchen-work very much, and no one who has lived long +enough to remember when it was not used can fail to bless its airy +and cool closets and its orderly arrangements. + +The "privileges" of these hard-worked servants should be respected. +"An evening a week, and every other Sunday afternoon," is a formula +not to be forgotten. Consider what it is to them! Perhaps a visit to +a sick sister or mother, a recreation much needed, a simple +pleasure, but one which is to them what a refreshing book, a visit +to the opera, or a drive in the park, is to their employers. Only a +very cruel mistress will ever fail to keep her promise to a faithful +servant on these too infrequent holidays. + +The early Sunday dinner is an inconvenience, but it is due to the +girls who count on their "Sunday out" to have it always punctually +given to them. + +Many devout Catholics make their church-going somewhat inconvenient, +but they should not be thwarted in it. It is to them something more +than it is to Protestants, and a devout Catholic is to be respected +and believed in. No doubt there are very bad-tempered and +disagreeable girls who make a pretence of religion, but the mistress +should be slow to condemn, lest she wrong one who is sincerely +pious. + +In sickness, Irish girls are generally kind and accommodating, being +themselves unselfish, and are apt to show a better spirit in a time +of trouble than the Swedes, the Germans, or the Scotch, although the +latter are possessed of more intelligence, and are more readily +trained to habits of order and system. The warm heart and the +confused brain, the want of truth, of the average Irish servant will +perplex and annoy while it touches the sympathies of a woman of +generous spirit. + +The women who would make the best house-servants are New England +girls who have been brought up in poor but comfortable homes. But +they will not be servants. They have imbibed the foolish idea that +the position of a girl who does house-work is inferior in gentility +to that of one who works in a factory, or a printing-office, or a +milliner's shop. It is a great mistake, and one which fills the +country with incapable wives for the working-man; for a woman who +cannot make bread or cook a decent dinner is a fraud if she marry a +poor man who expects her to do it. + +That would be a good and a great woman who would preach a crusade +against this false doctrine--who would say to the young women of her +neighborhood, "I will give a marriage portion to any of you who will +go into domestic service, become good cooks and waiters, and will +bring me your certificates of efficiency at the end of five years." + +And if those who employ could have these clear brains and thrifty +hands, how much more would they be willing to give in dollars and +cents a month! + +CHAPTER XLVIII. THE HOUSE WITH MANY SERVANTS. + +A lady who assumes the control of an elegant house without previous +training had better, for a year at least, employ an English house- +keeper, who will teach her the system necessary to make so many +servants work properly together; for, unless she knows how to manage +them, each servant will be a trouble instead of a help, and there +will be no end to that exasperating complaint, "That is not _my_ +work." + +The English house-keeper is given full power by her mistress to hire +and discharge servants, to arrange their meals, their hours, and +their duties, so as to make the domestic wheels run smoothly, and to +achieve that perfection of service which all who have stayed in an +English house can appreciate. She is a personage of much importance +in the house. She generally dresses in _moire antique_, and is lofty +in her manners. She alone, except the maid, approaches the mistress, +and receives such general orders as that lady may choose to give. +The house-keeper has her own room, where she takes her meals alone, +or invites those whom she wishes to eat with her. Thus we see in +English novels that the children sometimes take tea "in the house- +keeper's room." It is generally a comfortable and snug place. + +But in this country very few such house-keepers can be found. The +best that can be done is to secure the services of an efficient +person content to be a servant herself, who will be a care-taker, +and will train the butler, the footmen, and the maid-servants in +their respective duties. + +Twelve servants are not infrequently employed in large houses in +this country, and in New York and at Newport often a larger number. +These, with the staff of assistants required to cook and wash for +them, form a large force for a lady to control. + +The house-keeper should hire the cook and scullery-maid, and be +responsible for them; she orders the dinner (if the lady chooses); +she gives out the stores; the house linen is under her charge, and +she must attend to mending and replenishing it; she must watch over +the china and silver, and every day visit all the bedrooms to see +that the chamber-maids have done their duty, and that writing-paper +and ink and pens are laid on the tables of invited guests, and that +candles, matches, and soap and towels are in their respective +places. + +A house-keeper should be able to make fine desserts, and to attend +to all the sewing of the family, with the assistance of a maid--that +is, the mending, and the hemming of the towels, etc. She should be +firm and methodical, with a natural habit of command, and impartial +in her dealings, but strict and exacting; she should compel each +servant to do his duty, as she represents the mistress, and should +be invested with her authority. + +It is she who must receive the dessert when it comes from the +dining-room, watch the half-emptied bottles of wine, which men- +servants nearly always appropriate for their own use, and be, in all +respects, a watch-dog for her master, as in large families servants +are prone to steal all that may fall in their way. + +Unfortunately a bad house-keeper is worse than none, and can steal +to her heart's content. Such a one, hired by a careless, pleasure- +loving lady in New York, stole in a twelvemonth enough to live on +for several years. + +The house-keeper and the butler are seldom friends, and consequently +many people consider it wise to hire a married couple competent to +perform the duties of these two positions. If the two are honest, +this is an excellent arrangement. + +The butler is answerable for the property put in his charge, and for +the proper performance of the duties of the footmen under his +control. He must be the judge of what men can and should do. He is +given the care of the wine, although every gentleman should keep the +keys, only giving just so much to the butler as he intends shall be +used each day. The plate is given to the butler, and he is made +responsible for any articles missing; he also sees to the pantry, +but has a maid or a footman to wash the dishes and cleanse the +silver. All the arrangements for dinner devolve upon him, and when +it is served he stands behind his mistress's chair. He looks after +the footman who answers the bell, and takes care that he shall be +properly dressed and at his post. + +In houses where there are two or three footmen the butler serves +breakfast, luncheon, tea, and dinner, assisted by such of his +acolytes as he may choose. He should also wait upon his master, if +required, see that the library and smoking-room are aired and in +order, the newspaper brought in, the magazines cut, and the paper- +knife in its place. Many gentlemen in this country send their +butlers to market, and leave entirely to them the arrangement of the +table. + +If there is but one footman in a large house, the butler has a great +deal to do, particularly if the family be a hospitable one. When the +footman is out with the carriage the butler answers the front-door +bell, but in very elegant houses there are generally two footmen, as +this is not strictly the duty of a butler. + +A lady's-maid is indispensable to ladies who visit much, but this +class of servant is the most difficult to manage. Ladies'-maids must +be told, when hired, that they can have no such position in America +as they have in England: that they must make their own beds, wash +their own clothing, and eat with the other servants. They must be +first-rate hair-dressers, good packers of trunks, and understand +dress-making and fine starching, and be amiable, willing, and +pleasant. A woman who combines these qualifications commands very +high wages, and expects, as her perquisite, her mistress's cast-off +dresses. + +French maids are in great demand, as they have a natural taste in +all things pertaining to dress and the toilet, but they are apt to +be untruthful and treacherous. If a lady can get a peasant girl from +some rural district, she will find her a most useful and valuable +maid after she has been taught. + +Many ladies educate some clever girl who has been maid for the +position of house-keeper, and such a person, who can be trusted to +hire an assistant, becomes invaluable. She often accomplishes all +the dress-making and sewing for the household, and her salary of +thirty dollars a month is well earned. + +As the duties of a lady's-maid, where there are young ladies, +include attending them in the streets and to parties, she should be +a person of unquestioned respectability. The maid should bring up +the hot water for her ladies, and an early cup of tea, prepare their +bath, assist at their toilet, put their clothes away, be ready to +aid in every change of dress, put out their various dresses for +riding, dining, walking, and for afternoon tea, dress their hair for +dinner, and be ready to find for them their gloves, shoes, and other +belongings. + +A maid can be, and generally is, the most disagreeable of creatures; +but some ladies have the tact to make good servants out of most +unpromising materials. + +The maid, if she does not accompany her mistress to a party and wait +for her in the dressing-room, should await her arrival at home, +assist her to undress, comb and brush her hair, and get ready the +bath. She should also have a cup of hot tea or chocolate in +readiness for her. She must keep her clothes in order, sew new +ruffles in her dresses, and do all the millinery and dress-making +required of her. + +Very often the maid is required to attend to the bric-…-brac and +pretty ornaments of the mantel, to keep fresh flowers in the +drawing-room or bedroom, and, above all, to wash the pet dog. As +almost all women are fond of dogs, this is not a disagreeable duty +to a French maid, and she gives Fifine his bath without grumbling. +But if she be expected to speak French to the children, she +sometimes rebels, particularly if she and the nurse should not be +good friends. + +A lady, in hiring a maid, should specify the extra duties she will +be required to perform, and thus give her the option of refusing the +situation. If she accepts it, she must be made strictly to account +for any neglect or omission of her work. A maid with an indulgent +mistress is free in the evenings, after eight o'clock, and every +Sunday afternoon. + +In families where there are many children, two nurses are frequently +required--a head nurse and an assistant. + +The nursery governess is much oftener employed now in this country +than in former years. This position is often filled by well-mannered +and well-educated young women, who are the daughters of poor men, +and obliged to earn their own living. These young women, if they are +good and amiable, are invaluable to their mistresses. They perform +the duties of a nurse, wash and dress the children, eat with them +and teach them, the nursery-maid doing the coarse, rough work of the +nursery. If a good nursery governess can be found, she is worth her +weight in gold to her employer. She should not cat with the +servants; there should be a separate table for her and her charges. +This meal is prepared by the kitchen-maid, who is a very important +functionary, almost an under-cook, as the chief cook in such an +establishment as we are describing is absorbed in the composition of +the grand dishes and dinners. + +The kitchen-maid should be a good plain-cook, and clever in making +the dishes suitable for children. Much of the elementary cooking for +the dining-room, such as the foundation for sauces and soups, and +the roasted and boiled joints, is required of her, and she also +cooks the servants' dinner, which should be an entirely different +meal from that served in the dining-room. Nine meals a day are +usually cooked in a family living in this manner--breakfast for +servants, children, and the master and mistress, three; children's +dinner, servants' dinner, and luncheon, another three; and the grand +dinner at seven, the children's tea, and the servants' supper, the +remaining three. + +Where two footmen are in attendance, the head footman attends the +door, waits on his mistress when she drives out, carries notes, +assists the butler, lays the table and clears it, and washes glass, +china, and silver. The under-footman rises at six, makes fires, +cleans boots, trims and cleans the lamps, opens the shutters and the +front-door, sweeps down the steps, and, indeed, does the rougher +part of the work before the other servants begin their daily duties. +Each should be without mustache, clean shaven, and clad in neat +livery. His linen and white neck-tie should be, when he appears to +wait on the family at table or in any capacity, immaculate. + +The servants' meals should be punctual and plenteous, although not +luxurious. It is a bad plan to feed servants on the luxuries of the +master's table, but a good cook will be able to compound dishes for +the kitchen that will be savory and palatable. + +CHAPTER XLIX. MANNERS.--A STUDY FOR THE AWKWARD AND THE SHY. + +It is a comfort to those of us who have felt the cold perspiration +start on the brow, at the prospect of entering an unaccustomed +sphere, to remember that the best men and women whom the world has +known have been, in their day, afflicted with shyness. Indeed, it is +to the past that we must refer when the terrible disease seizes us, +when the tongue becomes dry in the mouth, the hands tremble, and the +knees knock together. + +Who does not pity the trembling boy when, on the evening of his +first party, he succumbs to this dreadful malady? The color comes in +spots on his face, and his hands are cold and clammy. He sits down +on the stairs and wishes he were dead. A strange sensation is +running down his back. "Come, Peter, cheer up," his mother says, not +daring to tell him how she sympathizes with him. He is afraid to be +afraid, he is ashamed to be ashamed. Nothing can equal this moment +of agony. The whole room looks black before him as some chipper +little girl, who knows not the meaning of the word "embarrassment," +comes to greet him. He crawls off to the friendly shelter of a group +of boys, and sees the "craven of the playground, the dunce of the +school," with a wonderful self-possession, lead off in the german +with the prettiest girl. As he grows older, and becomes the young +man whose duty it is to go to dinners and afternoon parties, this +terrible weakness will again overcome him. He has done well at +college, can make a very good speech at the club suppers, but at the +door of a parlor he feels himself a drivelling idiot. He assumes a +courage, if he has it not, and dashes into a room (which is full of +people) as he would attack a forlorn hope. There is safety in +numbers, and he retires to a corner. + +When he goes to a tea-party a battery of feminine eyes gazes at him +with a critical perception of his youth and rawness. Knowing that he +ought to be supremely graceful and serene, he stumbles over a +footstool, and hears a suppressed giggle. He reaches his hostess, +and wishes she were the "cannon's mouth," in order that his +sufferings might be ended; but she is not. His agony is to last the +whole evening. Tea-parties are eternal: they never end; they are +like the old-fashioned ideas of a future state of torment--they grow +hotter and more stifling. As the evening advances towards eternity +he upsets the cream-jug. He summons all his will-power, or he would +run away. No; retreat is impossible. One must die at the post of +duty. He thinks of all the formulas of courage--"None but the brave +deserve the fair," "He either fears his fate too much, or his +deserts are small," "There is no such coward as self-consciousness," +etc. But these maxima are of no avail. His feet are feet of clay, +not good to stand on, only good to stumble with. His hands are cold, +tremulous, and useless. There is a very disagreeable feeling in the +back of his neck, and a spinning sensation about the brain. A queer +rumbling seizes his ears. He has heard that "conscience makes +cowards of us all." What mortal sin has he committed? His moral +sense answers back, "None. You are only that poor creature, a +bashful youth." And he bravely calls on all his nerves, muscles, and +brains to help him through this ordeal. He sees the pitying eyes of +the woman to whom he is talking turn away from his countenance (on +which he knows that all his miserable shyness has written itself in +legible characters). "And this humiliation, too?" he asks of +himself, as she brings him the usual refuge of the awkward--a +portfolio of photographs to look at. Women are seldom troubled, at +the age at which men suffer, with bashfulness or awkwardness. It is +as if Nature thus compensated the weaker vessel. Cruel are those +women, however, and most to be reprobated, who laugh at a bashful +man! + +The sufferings of a shy man would fill a volume. It is a nervous +seizure for which no part of his organization is to blame; he cannot +reason it away, he can only crush it by enduring it: "To bear is to +conquer our Fate." Some men, finding the play not worth the candle, +give up society and the world; others go on, suffer, and come out +cool veterans who fear no tea-party, however overwhelming it may be. + +It is the proper province of parents to have their children taught +all the accomplishments of the body, that they, like the ancient +Greeks, may know that every muscle will obey the brain. A shy, +awkward boy should be trained in dancing, fencing, boxing; he should +be instructed in music, elocution, and public speaking; he should be +sent into society, whatever it may cost him at first, as certainly +as he should be sent to the dentist's. His present sufferings may +save him from lifelong annoyance. + +To the very best men--the most learned, the most graceful, the most +eloquent, the most successful--has come at some one time or other +the dreadful agony of bashfulness. Indeed, it is the higher order of +man being that it most surely attacks; it is the precursor of many +excellences, and, like the knight's vigil, if patiently and bravely +borne, the knight is twice the hero. It is this recollection, which +can alone assuage the sufferer, that he should always carry with +him. He should remember that the compound which he calls himself is +of all things most mixed. + +"The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together." +Two antagonistic races--it may be his Grandfather Brown and his +Grandmother Williams--are struggling in him for the mastery; and +their exceedingly opposite natures are pulling his arms and legs +asunder. He has to harmonize this antagonism before he becomes +himself, and it adds much to his confusion to see that poor little +pretender, Tom Titmouse, talking and laughing and making merry. +There are, however, no ancestral diversities fighting for the +possession of Tom Titmouse. The grandfathers and grandmothers of Tom +Titmouse were not people of strong character; they were a decorous +race on both sides, with no heavy intellectual burdens, good enough +people who wore well. But does our bashful man know this? No. He +simply remembers a passage in the "Odyssey" which Tom Titmouse could +not construe, but which the bashful man read, to the delight of the +tutor: + +"O gods! How beloved he is, and how honored by all men to whatsoever +land or city he comes! He brings much booty from Troy, but we, +having accomplished the same journey, are returning home having +empty hands!" And this messenger from Troy is Tom Titmouse! + +Not that all poor scholars and inferior men have fine manners, nor +do all good scholars and superior men fail in the drawing-room. No +rule is without an exception. It is, however, a comfort to those who +are awkward and shy to remember that many of the great and good and +superior men who live in history have suffered, even as they suffer, +from the pin-pricks of bashfulness. The first refuge of the +inexperienced, bashful person is often to assume a manner of extreme +hauteur. This is, perhaps, a natural fence--or defence; it is, +indeed, a very convenient armor, and many a woman has fought her +battle behind it through life. No doubt it is the armor of the many +so-called frigid persons, male and female, who must either suffer +the pangs of bashfulness, or affect a coldness which they do not +feel. Some people are naturally encased in a column of ice which +they cannot break, but within is a fountain which would burst out at +the lips in words of kindliness if only the tongue could speak them. +These limitations of nature are very strange; we cannot explain +them. It is only by referring to Grandfather Brown and Grandmother +Williams again that we understand them at all. One person will be +furnished with very large feet and very small hands, with a head +disproportionately large for the body, or one as remarkably small. +Differences of race must account for these eccentricities of nature; +we cannot otherwise explain them, nor the mental antagonisms, But +the awkward and the shy do not always take refuge in a cold manner; +Sometimes they study manner as they would the small-sword exercise, +and exploit it-with equal fervor. Exaggeration of manner is quite as +common a refuge for these unfortunates as the other extreme of +calmness. They render themselves ridiculous by the lowness of their +bows and the vivid picturesqueness of their speech. They, as it +were, burst the bounds of the calyx, and the flower opens too wide. +Symmetry is lost, graceful outline is destroyed. Many a bashful man, +thinking of Tom Titmouse, has become an acrobat in his determination +to be lively and easy. He should remember the _juste milieu_, +recommended by Shakespeare when he says, + +"They are as sick that surfeit with too much. As they that starve +with nothing." + +The happy people who are born unconscious of their bodies, who grow +through life more and more graceful, easy, cordial, and agreeable; +the happy few Who were never bashful, never nervous, never had +clammy hands, they need not read these pages--they are not written +for such blessed eyes. It is for the well-meaning, but shy and +awkward, people that the manners of artificial society are most +useful. + +For the benefit of such persons we must "improve a ceremonial nicety +into a substantial duty," else we shall see a cultivated scholar +confused before a set of giggling girls, and a man who is all +Wisdom, valor and learning, playing the donkey at an evening party. +If he lack the inferior arts of polite behavior, who will take the +trouble to discover a Sir Walter Raleigh behind his cravat? + +A man who is constrained, uneasy, and ungraceful, can spoil the +happiness of a dozen people. Therefore he is bound to create an +artificial manner, if a natural one does not come to him, +remembering always that "manners are shadows of virtues." + +The manners of artificial society have this to commend them: they +meditate the greatest good to the greatest number. We do not like +the word "artificial," or to commend anything which is supposed to +be the antipodes of the word "sincere," but it is a recipe, a +doctor's prescription that we are recommending as a cure for a +disease. "Good manners are to special societies what good morals are +to society in general--their cement and their security. True +politeness creates perfect ease and freedom; it and its essence is +to treat others as you would have others treat you." Therefore, as +you know how embarrassing embarrassment is to everybody else, strive +not to be embarrassed. + +CHAPTER L. HOW TO TREAT A GUEST. + +No one possessed of his senses would invite a person to his country +house for the purpose of making him unhappy. At least so we should +say at first thought. But it is an obvious fact that very many +guests are invited to the country houses of their friends, and are +made extremely miserable while there. They have to rise at unusual +hours, eat when they are not hungry, drive or walk or play tennis +when they would prefer to do everything else, and they are obliged +to give up those hours which are precious to them for other duties +or pleasures; so that many people, after an experience of visiting, +are apt to say, "No more of the slavery of visiting for me, if you +please!" + +Now the English in their vast country houses have reduced the custom +of visiting and receiving their friends to a system. They are said +to be in all respects the best hosts in the world, the masters of +the letting-alone system. A man who owns a splendid place near +London invites a guest for three days or more, and carefully +suggests when he shall come and when he shall go--a very great point +in hospitality. He is invited to come by the three o'clock train on +Monday, and to leave by the four o'clock train on Thursday. That +means that he shall arrive before dinner on Monday, and leave after +luncheon on Thursday. If a guest cannot accede to these hours, he +must write and say so. Once arrived, he rarely meets his host or +hostess until dinner-time. He is conducted to his room, a cup of tea +with some light refreshment is provided, and the well-bred servant +in attendance says at what hour before dinner he will be received in +the drawing-room. It is possible that some member of the family may +be disengaged and may propose a drive before dinner, but this is not +often done; the guest is left to himself or herself until dinner. +General and Mrs. Grant were shown to their rooms at Windsor Castle, +and locked up there, when they visited the Queen, until the steward +came to tell them that dinner would be served in half an hour; they +were then conducted to the grand salon, where the Queen presently +entered. In less stately residences very much the same ceremony is +observed. The hostess, after dinner and before the separation for +the night, tells her guests that horses will be at their disposal +the next morning, and also asks if they would like to play lawn- +tennis, if they wish to explore the park, at what hour they will +breakfast, or if they will breakfast in their rooms. "Luncheon is at +one; and she will be happy to see them at that informal meal." + +Thus the guest has before him the enviable privilege of spending the +day as he pleases. He need not talk unless he choose; he may take a +book and wander off under the trees; he may take a horse and explore +the county, or he may drive in a victoria, phaeton, or any other +sort of carriage. To a lady who has her letters to write, her novel +to read, or her early headache to manage, this liberty is precious. + +It must also be said that no one is allowed to feel neglected in an +English house. If a lady guest says, "I am a stranger; I should like +to see your fine house and your lovely park," some one is found to +accompany her. Seldom the hostess, for she has much else to do; but +there is often a single sister, a cousin, or a very intelligent +governess, who is summoned. In our country we cannot offer our +guests all these advantages; we can, however, offer them their +freedom, and give them, with our limited hospitality, their choice +of hours for breakfast and their freedom from our society. + +But the questioner may ask, Why invite guests, unless we wish to see +them? We do wish to see them--a part of the day, not the whole day. +No one can sit and talk all day. The hostess should have her +privilege of retiring after the mid-day meal, with her novel, for a +nap, and so should the guest: Well-bred people understand all this, +and are glad to give up the pleasure of social intercourse for an +hour of solitude. There is nothing so sure to repay one in the long +run as these quiet hours. + +If a lady invites another to visit her at Newport or Saratoga, she +should evince her thought for her guest's comfort by providing her +with horses and carriage to pay her own visits, to take her own +drives, or to do her shopping. Of course, the pleasure of two +friends is generally to be together, and to do the same things; but +sometimes it is quite the reverse. + +The tastes and habits of two people staying in the same house may be +very different, and each should respect the peculiarities of the +other. It costs little time and no money for an opulent Newport +hostess to find out what her guest wishes to do with her day, and +she can easily, with a little tact, allow her to be happy in her own +way. + +Gentlemen understand this much better than ladies, and a gentleman +guest is allowed to do very much as he pleases at Newport. No one +asks anything about his plans for the day, except if he will dine at +home. His hostess may ask him to drive or ride with her, or to go to +the Casino, perhaps; but if she be a well-bred woman of the world +she will not be angry if he refuses. A lady guest has not, however, +such freedom; she is apt to be a slave, from the fact that as yet +the American hostess has not learned that the truest hospitality is +to let her guest alone, and to allow her to enjoy herself in her own +way. A thoroughly well-bred guest makes no trouble in a house; she +has the instinct of a lady, and is careful that no plan of her +hostess shall be disarranged by her presence. She mentions all her, +separate invitations, desires to know when her hostess wishes her +presence, if the carriage can take her hither and yon, or if she may +be allowed to hire a carriage. + +There are hostesses, here and in England, who do not invite guests +to their houses for the purpose of making them happy, but to add to +their own importance. Such hostesses are not apt to consider the +individual rights of any one, and they use a guest merely to add to +the brilliancy of their parties, and to make the house more +fashionable and attractive. Some ill-bred women, in order to show +their power, even insult and ill treat the people who have accepted +their proffered hospitality. This class of hostess is, fortunately, +not common, but it is not unknown. + +A hostess should remember that, when she asks people to visit her, +she has two very important duties to perform--one, not to neglect +her guests; the other, not to weary them by too much attention. +Never give a guest the impression that he is "being entertained," +that he is on your mind; follow the daily life of your household and +of your duties as you desire, taking care that your guest is never +in an unpleasant position or neglected. If you have a tiresome guest +who insists upon following you around and weighing heavily on your +hands, be firm, go to your own room, and lock the door. If you have +a sulky guest who looks bored, throw open the library-door, order +the carriage, and make your own escape. But if you have a very +agreeable guest who shows every desire to please and be pleased, +give that model guest the privilege of choosing her own hours and +her own retirement. + +The charm of an American country-house is, generally, that it is a +home, and sacred to home duties. A model guest never infringes for +one moment on the rights of the master of the house. She never +spoils his dinner or his drive by being late; she never sends him +back to bring her parasol; she never abuses his friends or the +family dog; she is careful to abstain from disagreeable topics; she +joins his whist-table if she knows how to play; but she ought never +to be obliged to rise an hour earlier than her wont because he +wishes to take an early train for town. These early-morning, +perfunctory breakfasts are not times for conversation, and they ruin +the day for many bad sleepers. + +In a country neighborhood a hostess has sometimes to ask her guests +to go to church to hear a stupid preacher, and to go to her country +neighbors, to become acquainted with what may be the slavery of +country parties. The guest should always be allowed to refuse these +hospitalities; and, if he be a tired townsman, he will prefer the +garden, the woodland, the retirement of the country, to any church +or tea-party in the world. He cannot enter into his host's interests +or his neighbor's. Leave him to his solitude if in that is his +happiness. + +At Newport guest and hostess have often different friends and +different invitations. When this is understood, no trouble ensues if +the host and hostess go out to dinner and leave the guest at home. +It often happens that this is done, and no lady of good-breeding +takes offence. Of course a nice dinner is prepared for her, and she +is often asked to invite a friend to share it. + +On the other hand, the guest often has invitations which do not +include the hostess. These should be spoken of in good season, so +that none of the hostess's plans may be disarranged, that the +carriage may be ordered in time, and the guest sent for at the +proper hour. Well-bred people always accept these contingencies as a +matter of course, and are never disconcerted by them. + +There is no office in the world which should be filled with such +punctilious' devotion, propriety, and self-respect as that of +hostess. If a lady ever allows her guest to feel that she is a cause +of inconvenience, she violates the first rule of hospitality. If she +fail in any way in her obligations as hostess to a guest whom she +has invited, she shows herself to be ill-bred and ignorant of the +first principles of politeness. She might better invite twelve +people to dinner and then ask them to dine on the pavement than +ignore or withdraw from a written and accepted invitation, unless +sickness or death afford the excuse; and yet hostesses have been +known to do this from mere caprice. But they were necessarily ill- +bred people. + +CHAPTER LI. LADY AND GENTLEMAN. + +The number of questions asked by correspondents on the subject of +the proper use of the familiar words _lady_ and _woman_, and of the +titles of married women, induces the reflection that the "woman" +question is one which rivals in universal interest those of +Nihilism, Irish rebellion, and the future presidency. It is not, +however, of ultimate importance to a woman what she is called, as +arose by any other name would smell as sweet, but it _is_ of +importance to those who speak _of_ her, because by their speech +"shall ye know them," whether fashionable or unfashionable, whether +old or young, whether welt-bred or ill-bred, whether stylish or +hopelessly _rococo_! + +Nothing, for instance, Can be in worse taste than to say "she is a +beautiful lady," or "a clever lady." One should always say +"beautiful _woman_," "clever _woman_." The would-be genteel make +this mistake constantly, and in the Rosa-Matilda style of novel the +gentleman always kneels to the lady, and the fair ladies are +scattered broadcast through the book, while the fine old Saxon word +"woman" is left out, or not properly used. + +Now it would be easy enough to correct this if we could only tell +our correspondents always to use the word "woman." But unfortunately +we are here constrained to say that would be equally "bad form." No +gentleman would say, "I am travelling with women." He would say, "I +am travelling with ladies." He would not say, "When I want to take +my women to the theatre." He would say, "When I want to take my +ladies." He would speak of his daughters as "young ladies," etc., +etc. But if he were writing a novel about these same young ladies, +he would avoid the word "lady" as feeble, and in speaking of +emotions, looks, qualities, etc., he would use the word "woman." + +Therefore, as a grand generic distinction, we can say that "woman" +should be used when the realities of life and character are treated +of. "Lady" should be used to express the outside characteristics, +the conditions of cultivated society, and the respectful, distant, +and chivalric etiquette which society claims for women when members +thereof. + +Then, our querist may ask, Why is the term, "she is a beautiful +_lady_," so hopelessly out of style? Why does it betray that the +speaker has not lived in a fashionable set? Why must we say "nice +woman," "clever woman," "beautiful woman," etc. + +The only answer to this is that the latter phraseology is a caprice +of fashion into which plain-spoken people were driven by the +affectations of the shabby-genteel and half-instructed persons who +have ruined two good words for us by misapplication. One is +"genteel," which means gentle, and the other is "lady," which means +everything which is refined, cultivated, elegant, and aristocratic. +Then as to the term "woman," this nomenclature has been much +affected by the universal _sans-culottism_ of the French Revolution, +when the queen was called _citoyenne_. Much, again, from a different +cause, comes from our own absurd want of self-respect, which has +accrued in this confusion of etiquette in a republic, as for +instance, "I am a lady--as much a lady as anybody--and I want to be +called a lady," remarked a nurse who came for a situation to the +wife of one of our presidents. "I have just engaged a colored _lady_ +as a cook," remarked a _nouveau riche_. No wonder that when the word +came to be thus misapplied the lover of good English undefiled began +to associate the word "lady" with pretension, ignorance, and bad +grammar. + +Still, no "real lady" would say to her nurse, "A woman is coming to +stay with me." To servants the term "lady," as applied to a coming +guest, is indispensable. So of a gentleman she would say to her +servant, "A gentleman is coming to stay here for a week;" but to her +husband or son she would say, "He is a clever man," rather than, "He +is a clever gentleman." + +We might almost say that no women talk to men about "gentlemen," and +no men talk to women about "ladies," in fashionable society. A woman +in good society speaks of the hunting men, the dancing men, the +talking men. She does not say "gentleman," unless in some such +connection as this, "No gentleman would do such a thing," if some +breach of etiquette had occurred. And yet no man would come into a +lady's drawing-room saying, "Where are the girls?" or "Where are the +women?" He would Say; "Where are the young ladies?" + +It therefore requires a fine ear and a fine sense of modern fashion +and of eternal propriety always to choose the right word in the +delicate and almost unsettled estate of these two epithets. +"Ladylike" can never go out of fashion. It is at once a compliment +of the highest order and a suggestion of subtle perfection. The word +"woman" does not reach up to this, because in its broad and strong +etymology it may mean a washer-woman, a fighting woman, a coarse +woman, alas! a drunken woman. If we hear of "a drunken lady," we see +a downfall, a glimpse of better days; chloral, opium, even cologne, +may have brought her to it. The word still saves her miserable +reputation a little. But the words "a drunken woman" merely suggest +whiskey, degradation, squalor, dirt, and the tenement-house. + +It is evident, therefore, that we cannot do without the word "lady." +It is the outgrowth of years of chivalric devotion, and of that +progress in the history of woman which has ever been raising her +from her low estate. To the Christian religion first does she owe +her rise; to the institution of chivalry, to the growth of +civilization since, has woman owed her continual elevation. She can +never go back to the degradation of those days when, in Greece and +Rome, she was not allowed to eat with her husband and sons. She +waited on them as a servant. Now they in every country serve her, if +they are _gentlemen_. But, owing to a curious twist in the way of +looking at things, she is now undoubtedly the tyrant, and in +fashionable society she is often imperiously ill-bred, and requires +that her male slaves be in a state of servitude to which the +Egyptian bondage would have been light frivolity. + +American women are said to be faulty in manners, particularly in +places of public amusement, in railway travelling, in omnibuses, and +in shops. Men complain very much that the fairer sex are very brutal +on these occasions. "I wish _women_ would behave like _ladies_," +said a man at a _matin‚e_. "Yes," said his friend, "I wish they +would behave like _men_." Just then a sharp feminine elbow was +thrust into his chest. "I wish _gentlemen_ would not crowd so," was +the remark which accompanied the "dig under the fifth rib" from a +person whom no one could call a lady. + +In speaking to a servant, either a lady or a gentleman will ever be +patient, courteous, kind, not presuming on his or her power. But +there should always be a certain ceremony observed, and a term of +respect to the person spoken of. Therefore a mistress will not say +"Have the _girls_ come in?" "Is _Lucy_ home?" She will say: "Have +the young ladies come in?" "Is Miss Lucy at home?" This sort of +dignified etiquette has the happiest and the most beneficial result +on the relations of mistress and servant. + +In modern literature the terms man and woman have nearly obliterated +the words gentleman and lady, and we can hardly imagine a more +absurd phrase than the following: "I asked Mary what she thought of +Charles, and she said he was a beautiful gentleman, and Charles said +that Mary was a lovely lady; so it was quite natural that I should +try to bring them together," etc., etc. + +Still, in poetry we like the word lady. "If my lady loves me true," +is much better than "if my woman loves me true" would be; so there, +again, we have the contradiction, for the Anglo-Saxon rule of using +the word "woman" when anything real or sincere in emotion is in +question is here honored in the breach. But this is one of the many +shadowy conflicts which complicate this subject. + +The term "lady" is like the word "gentry" in England--it is elastic. +All persons coming within the category of "gentry" may attend the +Queen's Drawing-room, yet it is well understood that birth, wealth, +association, and position give the _raison d'ˆtre_ for the use of +such a privilege, and in that carefully guarded English society the +wife or daughters of an officer in the navy or in a line regiment +whose means are slender and whose position is obscure would not be +justified in presenting themselves at court. The same remark holds +good of the wives and daughters of clergymen, barristers, doctors, +authors, and artists, although the husband, if eminent, might attend +a lev‚e if he wished. Yet these women are very tenacious of the +title of lady, and no tradesman's wife would deny it to them, while +she would not, if ever so rich, aspire to be called a lady herself. + +"I ain't no lady myself, but I can afford to have 'em as +governesses," remarked a Mrs. Kicklebury on the Rhine. She was not +at all ashamed of the fact that she was no lady herself, yet her +compeer and equal in America, if she kept a gin-shop, would insist +upon the title of lady. + +A lady is a person of refinement, of education, of fashion, of +birth, of prestige, of a higher grade of some sort, if we apply the +term rightly. She may be out of place through loss of fortune, or +she may have sullied her title, but a something tells us that she is +still a lady. We have a habit of saying, as some person, perhaps +well decked out with fortune's favors, passes us, "She is not a +lady," and every one will know what we mean. The phrase "vulgar +lady," therefore, is an absurdity; there is no such thing; as well +talk of a white blackbird; the term is self-contradictory. If she is +vulgar, she is not a lady; but there is such a thing as a vulgar +woman, and it is a very real thing. + +In England they have many terms to express the word "woman" which we +have not. A traveller in the rural districts speaks of a "kindly old +wife who received me," or a "wretched old crone," or a "saucy +lassie," or a "neat maid," etc. We should use the word "woman," or +"old woman," or "girl," for all these. + +Now as to the term "old woman" or "old lady." The latter has a +pretty sound. We see the soft white curls, so like floss silk, the +delicate white camel's-hair shawl, the soft lace and appropriate +black satin gown, the pretty old-fashioned manner, and we see that +this is a _real_ lady. She may have her tricks of old-fashioned +speech; they do not offend us. To be sure, she has no slang; she +does not talk about "awfully jolly," or a "ghastly way off;" she +does not talk of the boys as being a "bully lot," or the girls as +being "beastly fine;" she does not say that she is "feeling rather +seedy to-day," etc. No, "our old lady" is a "lady," and it would be +in bad taste to call her an "old woman," which somehow sounds +disrespectful. + +Therefore we must, while begging of our correspondents to use the +word "woman" whenever they can, tell them not entirely to drop the +word "lady." The real lady or gentleman is very much known by the +voice, the choice of words, the appropriate term. Nothing can be +better than to err on the side of simplicity, which is always better +than gush, or over-effort, or conceit of speech. One may be +"ignorant of the shibboleth of a good set," yet speak most excellent +English. + +Thackeray said of George the Fourth that there was only one reason +why he should not have been called the "first gentleman in Europe," +and that was because he was not a gentleman. But of the young Duke +of Albany, just deceased, no one could hesitate to speak as a +gentleman. Therefore, while we see that birth does not always make a +gentleman, we still get the idea that it may help to make one, as we +do not readily connect the idea with Jeames, who was a "gentleman's +gentleman." He might have been "fine," but not "noble." + +As for titles for married women, we have only the one word, "Mrs.," +not even the pretty French "Madame." But no woman should write +herself "Mrs." on her checks or at the foot of her notes; nowhere +but in a hotel register or on a card should she give herself this +title, simple though it be. She is always, if she writes in the +first person, "Mary Smith," even to a person she does not know. This +seems to trouble some people, who ask, "How will such a person know +I am married?" Why should they? If desirous of informing some +distant servant or other person of that fact, add in a parenthesis +beneath "Mary Smith" the important addenda, "Mrs. John Smith." + +When women are allowed to vote, perhaps further complications may +arise. The truth is, women have no real names. They simply are +called by the name of father or husband, and if they marry several +times may well begin to doubt their own identity. Happy those who +never have to sign but one new name to their letters! + +CHAPTER LII. THE MANNERS OF THE PAST. + +In these days, amid what has been strongly stated as "the prevailing +mediocrity of manners," a study of the manners of the past would +seem to reveal to us the fact that in those days of ceremony a man +who was beset with shyness need then have suffered less than he +would do now in these days of impertinence and brass. + +A man was not then expected to enter a room and to dash at once into +a lively conversation. The stately influence of the _minuet de la +cour_ was upon him; he deliberately entered a room, made a low bow, +and sat down, waiting to be spoken to. + +Indeed, we may go farther back and imagine ourselves at the court of +Louis XIV., when the world was broadly separated into the two +classes--the noble and the _bourgeois_. That world which Moliere +divided in his _dramatis personae_ into the courtier, the provincial +noble, and the plain gentleman; and secondly, into the men of law +and medicine, the merchant, and the shopkeeper. These divisions +shall be for a moment considered. Now, all these men knew exactly, +from the day when they reached ten years of age, how they were +expected to behave in the sphere of life to which they were called. +The marquis was instructed in every art of graceful behavior, the +_bel air_ was taught him as we teach our boys how to dance, even +more thoroughly. The _grand seigneur_ of those days, the man who +would not arrange the folds of his own cravat with his own hands, +and who exacted an observance as punctilious from his valets as if +he were the king himself, that marquis of whom the great Moliere +makes such fun, the courtier whom even the _grand monarque_ liked to +see ridiculed--this man had, nevertheless, good manners. We see him +reflected with marvellous fidelity in those wonderful comedies of +the French Shakespeare; he is more than the fashion of an epoch--he +is one of the eternal types of human nature. We learn what a man +becomes whose business is "deportment." Even despicable as he is in +"Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme"---flattering, borrowing money, cheating +the poor citizen, and using his rank as a mask and excuse for his +vices--we still read that it was such a one as he who took poor +Moliere's cold hands in his and put them in his muff, when, on the +last dreadful day of the actor's life (with a liberality which does +his memory immortal honor), he strove to play, "that fifty poor +workmen might receive their daily pay." It was such a one as this +who was kind to poor Moliere. There was in these _gens de cour_ a +copy of fine feeling, even if they had it not, They were polite and +elegant, making the people about them feel better for the moment, +doing graceful acts courteously, and gilding vice with the polish of +perfect manners. The _bourgeois_, according to Moliere, was as bad a +man as the courtier, but he had, besides, brutal manners; and as for +the magistrates and merchants, they were harsh and surly, and very +sparing of civility. No wonder, when the French Revolution came, +that one of the victims, regretting the not-yet-forgotten marquis, +desired the return of the aristocracy; for, said he, "I would rather +be trampled upon by a velvet slipper than a wooden shoe." + +It is the best definition of manners--"a velvet slipper rather than +a wooden shoe." We ask very little of the people whom we casually +meet but that the salutation be pleasant; and as we remember how +many crimes and misfortunes have arisen from sudden anger, caused +sometimes by pure breaches of good manners, we almost agree with +Burke that "manners are of more importance than laws. Upon them, in +a great measure, the laws depend." + +Some one calls politeness "benevolence in trifles, the preference of +others to ourselves in little, daily, hourly occurrences in the +business of life, a better place, a more commodious seat, priority +in being helped at table," etc. + +Now, in all these minor morals the marquis was a benevolent man; he +was affable and both well and fair spoken, "and would use strange +sweetness and blandishment of words when he desired to affect or +persuade anything that he took to heart"--that is, with his equals. +It is well to study this man, and to remember that he was not always +vile. The Prince of Cond‚ had these manners and a generous, great +heart as well. Gentleness really belongs to virtue, and a sycophant +can hardly imitate it well. The perfect gentleman is he who has a +strong heart under the silken doublet of a perfect manner. + +We do not want all the decent drapery of life torn off; we do not +want to be told that we are full of defects; we do not wish people +to show us a latent antagonism; and if we have in ourselves the +elements of roughness, severity of judgment, a critical eye which +sees defects rather than virtues, we are bound to study how to tone +down that native, disagreeable temper--just as we are bound to try +to break the icy formality of a reserved manner, and to cultivate a +cordiality which we do not feel. Such a command over the +shortcomings of our own natures is not insincerity, as we often find +that the effort to make ourselves agreeable towards some one whom we +dislike ends in leading us to like the offending person. We find +that we have really been the offender, going about with a moral +tape-measure graduated by ourselves, and measuring the opposite +party with a serene conceit which has called itself principle or +honor, or some high-sounding name, while it was really nothing but +prejudice. + +We should try to carry entertainment with us, and to seem +entertained with our company. A friendly behavior often conciliates +and pleases more than wit or brilliancy; and here we come back to +those polished manners of the past, which were a perfect drapery, +and therefore should be studied, and perhaps in a degree copied, by +the awkward and the shy, who cannot depend upon themselves for +inspirations of agreeability. Emerson says that "fashion is good- +sense entertaining company; it hates corners and sharp points of +character, hates quarrelsome, egotistical, solitary, and gloomy +people, hates whatever can interfere with total blending of parties, +while it values all particularities as in the highest degree +refreshing which can consist with good-fellowship." + +It does the awkward and the shy good to contemplate these words. It +may not immediately help them to become graceful and self-possessed, +but it will certainly have a very good effect in inducing them to +try. + +We find that the successful man of the world has studied the temper +of the finest sword. He can bend easily, he is flexible, he is +pliant, and yet he has not lost the bravery and the power of his +weapon. Men of the bar, for instance, have been at the trouble to +construct a system of politeness, in which even an offensive self- +estimation takes on the garb of humility. The harmony is preserved, +a trial goes on with an appearance of deference and respect each to +the other, highly, most highly, commendable, and producing law and +order where otherwise we might find strife, hatred, and warfare. +Although this may be a mimic humility, although the compliments may +be judged insincere, they are still the shadows of the very highest +virtues. The man who is guarding his speech is ruling his spirit; he +is keeping his temper, that furnace of all affliction, and the lofty +chambers of his brain are cool and full of fresh air. + +A man who is by nature clownish, and who has what he calls a "noble +sincerity," is very apt to do injustice to the polished man; he +should, however, remember that "the manner of a vulgar man has +freedom without ease, and that the manner of a gentleman has ease +without freedom." A man with an obliging, agreeable address may be +just as sincere as if he had the noble art of treading on +everybody's toes. The "putter-down-upon-system" man is quite as +often urged by love of display as by a love of truth; he is +ungenerous, combative, and ungenial; he is the "bravo of society." + +To some people a fine manner is the gift of nature. We see a young +person enter a room, make himself charming, go through the +transition period of boy to man, always graceful, and at man's +estate aim to still possess that unconscious and flattering grace, +that "most exquisite taste of politeness," which is a gift from the +gods. He is exactly formed to please, this lucky creature, and all +this is done for him by nature. We are disposed to abuse Mother +Nature when we think of this boy's heritage of joy compared with her +step-son, to whom she has given the burning blushes, the awkward +step, the heavy self-consciousness, the uncourtly gait, the +hesitating speech, and the bashful demeanor. + +But nothing would be omitted by either parent or child to cure the +boy if he had a twisted ankle, so nothing should be omitted that +can, cure the twist of shyness, and therefore a shy young person +should not be expected to confront such a trial. + +And to those who have the bringing up of shy young persons we +commend these excellent words of Whately: "There are many otherwise +sensible people who seek to cure a young person of that very common +complaint--shyness--by exhorting him not to be shy, telling him what +an awkward appearance it has, and that it prevents his doing himself +justice, all of which is manifestly pouring oil on the fire to +quench it; for the very cause of shyness is an over-anxiety as to +what people are thinking of you, a morbid attention to your own +appearance. The course, therefore, that ought to be pursued is +exactly the reverse. The sufferer should be exhorted to think as +little as possible about himself and the opinion formed of him, to +be assured that most of the company do not trouble their heads about +him, and to harden him against any impertinent criticisms that he +supposed to be going on, taking care only to do what is right, +leaving others to say and to think what they will." + +All this philosophy is excellent, and is like the sensible +archbishop. But the presence of a set of carefully cultivated, +artificial manners, or a hat to hold in one's hand, will better help +the shy person when he is first under fire, and when his senses are +about deserting him, than any moral maxims can be expected to do. + +Carlyle speaks of the fine manners of his peasant father (which he +does not seem to have inherited), and he says: "I think-that they +came from his having, early in life, worked for Maxwell, of Keir, a +Scotch gentleman of great dignity and worth, who gave to all those +under him a fine impression of the governing classes." Old Carlyle +had no shame in standing with his hat off as his landlord passed; he +had no truckling spirit either of paying court to those whose lot in +life it was to be his superiors. + +Those manners of the past were studied; they had, no doubt, much +about them which we should now call stiff, formal, and affected, but +they were a great help to the awkward and the shy. + +In the past our ancestors had the help of costume, which we have +not. Nothing is more defenceless than a being in a dress-coat, with +no pockets allowable in which he can put his hands. If a man is in a +costume he forgets the sufferings of the coat and pantaloon. He has +a sense of being in a fortress. A military man once said that he +always fought better in his uniform--that a fashionably cut coat and +an every-day hat took all heroism out of him. + +Women, particularly shy ones, feel the effect of handsome clothes as +a reinforcement. "There is an _appui_ in a good gown," said Madame +de Sta‰l. Therefore, the awkward and the shy, in attempting to +conquer the manners of artificial society, should dress as well as +possible. Perhaps to their taste in dress do Frenchmen owe much of +their easy civility and their success in social politics; and herein +women are very much more fortunate than men, for they can always +ask, "Is it becoming?" and can add the handkerchief, fan, muff, or +mantle as a refuge for trembling hands. A man has only his pockets; +he does not wish to always appear with his hands in them. + +Taste is said to be the instantaneous, ready appreciation of the +fitness of things. To most of us who may regret the want of it in +ourselves, it seems to be the instinct of the fortunate few. Some +women look as if they had simply blossomed out of their inner +consciousness into a beautiful toilet; others are the creatures of +chance, and look as if their clothes had been hurled at them by a +tornado. + +Some women, otherwise good and true, have a sort of moral want of +taste, and wear too bright colors, too many glass beads, too much +hair, and a combination of discordant materials which causes the +heart of a good dresser to ache with anguish. This want of taste +runs across the character like an intellectual bar-sinister, forcing +us to believe that their conclusions are anything but legitimate. +People who say innocently things which shock you, who put the +listeners at a dinner-table upon tenter-hooks, are either wanting in +taste or their minds are confused with shyness. + +A person thus does great injustice to his own moral qualities when +he permits himself to be misrepresented by that disease of which we +speak. Shyness perverts the speech more than vice even. But if a man +or a woman can look down on a well-fitting, becoming dress (even if +it is the barren and forlorn dress which men wore to parties in +1882), it is still an _appui_. We know how it offends us to see a +person in a dress which is inappropriate. A chief-justice in the +war-paint and feathers of an Indian chief would scarcely be listened +to, even if his utterances were those of a Marshall or a Jay. + +It takes a great person, a courageous person, to bear the shame of +unbecoming dress; and, no doubt, to a nature shy, passionate, proud, +and poor, the necessity of wearing poor or unbecoming clothes has +been an injury for life. He despised himself for his weakness, but +the weakness remained. When the French Revolution came in with its +_sans-culotteism_, and republican simplicity found its perfect +expression in Thomas Jefferson, still, the prejudices of powdered +hair and stiff brocades remained. They gradually disappeared, and +the man of the nineteenth century lost the advantages of becoming +dress, and began anew the battle of life stripped of all his +trappings. Manners went with these flowing accessaries, and the +abrupt speech, curt bow, and rather exaggerated simplicity of the +present day came in. + +But it is a not unworthy study--these manners of the past. We are +returning, at least on the feminine side, to a great and magnificent +"princess," or queenly, style of dress. It is becoming the fashion +to make a courtesy, to flourish a fan, to bear one's self with +dignity when in this fine costume. Cannot the elegance, the repose, +and the respectfulness of the past return also? + +CHAPTER LIII. THE MANNERS OF THE OPTIMIST. + +It is very easy to laugh at the optimist, and to accuse him of +"poetizing the truth." No doubt, an optimist will see excellence, +beauty, and truth where pessimists see only degradation, vice, and +ugliness. The one hears the nightingale, the other the raven only. +To one, the sunsetting forms a magic picture; to the other, it is +but a presage of bad weather tomorrow. Some people seem to look at +nature through a glass of red wine or in a Claude Lorraine mirror; +to them the landscape has ever the bloom of summer or a spring-tide +grace. To others, it is always cloudy, dreary, dull. The desolate +ravine, the stony path, the blighted heath--that is all they can +find in a book which should have a chapter for everybody. And the +latter are apt to call the former dreamers, visionaries, fools. They +are dubbed in society often flatterers, people whose "geese are all +swans." + +But are those, then, the fools who see only the pleasant side? Are +they alone the visionaries who see the best rather than the worst? +It is strange that the critics see only weakness in the "pleasant- +spoken," and only truth and safety in those who croak. + +The person who sees a bright light in an eye otherwise considered +dull, who distrusts the last scandal, is supposed to be foolish, too +easily pleased, and wanting in that wise scepticism which should be +the handmaid of common-sense; and if such a person in telling a +story poetizes the truth, if it is a principle or a tendency to +believe the best of everybody, to take everybody at their highest +note, is she any the less canny? Has she necessarily less insight? +As there are always two sides to a shield, why not look at the +golden one? + +An excess of the organ of hope has created people like Colonel +Sellers in the play, who deluded himself that there were "millions +in it," who landed in poverty and wrecked his friends; but this +excess is scarcely a common one. Far more often does discouragement +paralyze than does hope exalt. Those who have sunshine for +themselves and to spare are apt to be happy and useful people; they +are in the aggregate the successful people. + +But, although good-nature is temperamental, and although some men +and women are, by their force of imagination and charity, forced to +poetize the truth, the question remains an open one, Which is the +nearest to truth, a pessimist or an optimist? Truth is a virtue more +palpable and less shadowy than we think; It is not easy to speak the +unvarnished, uncorrupted truth (so the lawyers tell us). The faculty +of observation differs, and the faculty of language is variable. +Some people have no intellectual apprehension of the truth, although +they morally believe in it. People who abstractly revere the truth +have never been able to tell anything but falsehoods. To such the +power of making a statement either favorable or prejudicial depends +upon the mood of the moment, not upon fact. Therefore a habit of +poetizing the truth would seem to be of either excess the safest. +Society becomes sometimes a hot-bed of evil passions--one person +succeeds at the expense of another. How severe is the suffering +proceeding from social neglect and social stabs! It might, much of +it, be smoothed away by poetizing the truth ever so little. Instead +of bearing an ill-natured message, suppose we carry an amiable one. +Instead of believing that an insult was intended, suppose a +compliment. + +"Should he upbraid, I'll own that he prevail, And sing more sweetly +than the nightingale! Say that he frown, I'll own his looks I view +Like morning roses newly dipped in dew." + +People who are thus calmly serene and amiable through the frowns and +smiles, the ups and downs, of a social career are often called +worldly. + +Well, let us suppose that they are. Some author has wisely said: +"That the world should be full of worldliness seems as right as that +a stream should be full of water or a living body full of blood." To +conquer this world, to get out of it a full, abounding, agreeable +life, is what we are put here for. Else, why such gifts as beauty, +talent, health, wit, and a power of enjoyment be given to us? To be +worldly, or worldlings, is supposed to be incurring the righteous +anger of the good. But is it not improperly using a term of implied +reproach? For, although the world may be too much with us, and a +worldling may be a being not filled to the brim with the deeper +qualities or the highest aims, still he is a man necessary to the +day, the hour, the sphere which must be supplied with people fitted +to its needs. So with a woman in society. She must be a worldling in +the best sense of the word. She must keep up her corner of the great +mantle of the Field of the Cloth of Gold. She must fill the social +arena with her influence; for in society she is a most important +factor. + +Then, as a "complex overgrowth of wants and fruitions" has covered +our world as with a banyan-tree, we must have something else to keep +alive our umbrageous growth of art, refinement, inventions, +luxuries, and delicate sensibilities. We must have wealth. + +"Wealth is the golden essence of the outer world," + +and therefore to be respected. + +Of course the pessimist sees purse-pride, pompous and outrageous +arrogance, a cringing of the pregnant hinges of the knee, false +standards, and a thousand faults in this admission. And yet the +optimist finds the "very rich," with but few exceptions, amiable, +generous, and kindly, often regretting that poorer friends will +allow their wealth to bar them off, wishing often that their +opulence need not shut them off from the little dinners, the homely +hospitality, the small gifts, the sincere courtesies of those whose +means are moderate, The cheerful people who are not dismayed by the +superior magnificence of a friend are very apt to find that friend +quite as anxious for sympathy and for kindness as are the poor, +especially if his wealth has caused him, almost necessarily, to live +upon the superficial and the external in life. + +We all know that there is a worldly life, poor in aim and narrow in +radius, which is as false as possible. To live _only_ for this +world, with its changing fashions, its imperfect judgments, its +toleration of snobs and of sinners, its forgiveness of ignorance +under a high-sounding name, its exaggeration of the transient and +the artificial, would be a poor life indeed. But, if we can lift +ourselves up into the higher comprehension of what a noble thing +this world really is, we may well aspire to be worldlings. + +Julius Caesar was a worldling; so was Shakespeare. Erasmus was a +worldling. We might increase the list indefinitely. These men +brought the loftiest talents to the use of worldly things. They +showed how great conquest, poetry, thought might become used for the +world. They were full of this world. + +To see everything through a poetic vision (the only genuine +idealization) is and has been the gift of the benefactors of our +race. B‚ranger was of the world, worldly; but can we give him up? So +were the great artists who flooded the world with light--Titian, +Tintoretto, Correggio, Raphael, Rubens, Watteau. These men poetized +the truth. Life was a brilliant drama, a splendid picture, a garden +ever fresh and fair; + +The optimist carries a lamp through dark, social obstructions. "I +would fain bind up many wounds, if I could be assured that neither +by stupidity nor by malice I need make one!" is her motto, the true +optimist. + +It is a fine allegory upon the implied power of society that the +poet Marvell used when he said he "would not drink wine with any one +to whom he could not trust his life." + +Titian painted his women with all their best points visible. There +was a careful shadow or drapery which hid the defects which none of +us are without; but defects to the eye of the optimist make beauty +more attractive by contrast; in a portrait they may better be hid +perhaps. + +To poetize the truth in the science of charity and forgiveness can +never be a great sin. If it is one, the recording angel will +probably drop a tear. This tendency to optimism is, we think, more +like that magic wand which the great idealist waved over a troubled +sea, or like those sudden sunsets after a storm, which not only +control the wave, but gild the leaden mass with crimson and +unexpected gold, whose brightness may reach some storm-driven sail, +giving it the light of hope, bringing the ship to a well-defined and +hospitable shore, and regulating, with a new attraction, the lately +distracted compass. Therefore, we do not hesitate to say that the +philosophy, and the creed, and the manners of the optimist are good +for society. However, his excellence may well be criticised; it may +even sometimes take its place amid those excesses which are +catalogued as amid the "deformities of exaggerated virtues." We may +be too good, some of us, in one single direction. + +But the rounded and harmonious Greek calm is hard to find. "For +repose and serenity of mind," says a modern author, "we must go back +to the Greek temple and statue, the Greek epic and drama, the Greek +oration and moral treatise; and modern education will never become +truly effectual till it brings more minds into happy contact with +the ideal of a balanced, harmonious development of all the powers of +mind, body, conscience, and heart." + +And who was a greater optimist than your Athenian? He had a +passionate love of nature, a rapt and infinite adoration of beauty, +and he diffused the splendid radiance of his genius in making life +more attractive and the grave less gloomy. Perhaps we of a brighter +faith and a more certain revelation may borrow something from this +"heathen" Greek. + +CHAPTER LIV. THE MANNERS OF THE SYMPATHETIC. + +Sympathy is the most delicate tendril of the mind, and the most +fascinating gift which nature can give to us. The most precious +associations of the human heart cluster around the word, and we love +to remember those who have sorrowed with us in sorrow, and rejoiced +with us when we were glad. But for the awkward and the shy, the +sympathetic are the very worst company. They do not wish to be +sympathized with--they wish to be with people who are cold and +indifferent; they like shy people like themselves. Put two shy +people in a room together, and they begin to talk with unaccustomed +glibness. A shy woman always attracts a shy man. But women who are +gifted with that rapid, gay impressionability which puts them _en +rapport_ with their surroundings, who have fancy and an excitable +disposition, a quick susceptibility to the influences around them, +are very charming in general society, but they are terrible to the +awkward and the shy. They sympathize too much, they are too aware of +that burning shame which the sufferer desires to conceal. + +The moment that a shy person sees before him a perfectly +unsympathetic person, one who is neither thinking nor caring for +him, his shyness begins to flee; the moment that he recognizes a +fellow-sufferer he begins to feel a reinforcement of energy. If he +be a lover, especially, the almost certain embarrassment of the lady +inspires him with hope and with renewed courage. A woman who has a +bashful lover, even if she is afflicted with shyness, has been known +to find a way to help the poor fellow out of his dilemma more than +once. Hawthorne, who has left us the most complete and most tragic +history of shyness which belongs to "that long rosary on which the +blushes of a life are strung," found a woman (the most perfect +character, apparently, who ever married and made happy a great +genius) who, fortunately for him, was shy naturally, although +without that morbid shyness which accompanied him through life. +Those who knew Mrs. Hawthorne later found her possessed of great +fascination of manner, even in general society, where Hawthorne was +quite impenetrable. The story of his running down to the Concord +River and taking boat to escape his visitors has been long familiar +to us all. Mrs. Hawthorne, no doubt, with a woman's tact and a +woman's generosity, overcame her own shyness in order to receive +those guests whom Hawthorne ran away from, and through life remained +his better angel. It was through this absence of expressed sympathy +that English people became very agreeable to Hawthorne. He +describes, in his "Note Book," a speech made by him at a dinner in +England: "When I was called upon," he says, "I rapped my head, and +it returned a hollow sound." + +He had, however, been sitting next to a shy English lawyer, a man +who won upon him by his quiet, unobtrusive simplicity, and who, in +some well-chosen words, rather made light of dinner-speaking and its +terrors. When Hawthorne finally got up and made his speech, his +"voice, meantime, having a far-off and remote echo," and when, as we +learn from others, a burst of applause greeted the few well-chosen +words drawn up from that full well of thought, that pellucid rill of +"English undefiled," the unobtrusive gentleman by his side +applauded, and said to him, "It was handsomely done." The compliment +pleased the shy man. It is the only compliment to himself which +Hawthorne ever recorded. + +Now, had Hawthorne been congratulated by a sympathetic, effusive +American who had clapped him on the back, and who had said, "Oh, +never fear--you will speak well!" he would have said nothing. The +shy sprite in his own eyes would have read in his neighbor's eyes +the dreadful truth that his sympathetic neighbor would have +indubitably betrayed--a fear that he would not do well. The +phlegmatic and stony Englishman neither felt nor cared whether +Hawthorne spoke well or ill; and, although pleased that he did speak +well, invested no particular sympathy in the matter, either for or +against, and so spared Hawthorne's shyness the last bitter drop in +the cup, which would have been a recognition of his own moral dread. +Hawthorne bitterly records his own sufferings. He says, in one of +his books, "At this time I acquired this accursed habit of +solitude." It has been said that the Hawthorne family were, in the +earlier generation, afflicted with shyness almost as a disease-- +certainly a curious freak of nature in a family descended from +robust sea-captains. It only goes to prove how far away are the +influences which control our natures and our actions. + +Whether, if Hawthorne had not been a shy man, afflicted with a sort +of horror of his species at times, always averse to letting himself +go, miserable and morbid, we should have been the inheritors of the +great fortune which he has left us, is not for us to decide. Whether +we should have owned "The Gentle Boy," the immortal "Scarlet +Letter," "The House with Seven Gables," the "Marble Faun," and all +the other wonderful things which grew out of that secluded and +gifted nature, had he been born a cheerful, popular, and sympathetic +boy, with a dancing-school manner, instead of an awkward and shy +youth (although an exceedingly handsome one), we cannot tell. That +is the great secret behind the veil. The answer is not yet made, the +oracle has not spoken, and we must not invade the penumbra of +genius. + +It has always been a comfort to the awkward and the shy that +Washington could not make an after-dinner speech; and the well-known +anecdote--"Sit down, Mr. Washington, your modesty is even greater +than your valor "--must have consoled many a voiceless hero. +Washington Irving tried to welcome Dickens, but failed in the +attempt, while Dickens was as voluble as he was gifted. Probably the +very surroundings of sympathetic admirers unnerved both Washington +and Irving, although there are some men who can never "speak on +their legs," as the saying goes, in any society. + +Other shy men--men who fear general society, and show embarrassment +in the every-day surroundings--are eloquent when they get on their +feet. Many a shy boy at college has astonished his friends by his +ability in an after-dinner speech. Many a voluble, glib boy, who has +been appointed the orator of the occasion, fails utterly, +disappoints public expectation, and sits down with an uncomfortable +mantle of failure upon his shoulders. Therefore, the ways of shyness +are inscrutable. Many a woman who has never known what it was to be +bashful or shy has, when called upon to read a copy of verses, even +to a circle of intimate friends, lost her voice, and has utterly +broken down, to her own and her friends' great astonishment. + +The voice is a treacherous servant; it deserts us, trembles, makes a +failure of it, is "not present or accounted for" often when we need +its help. It is not alone in the shriek of the hysterical that we +learn of its lawlessness, it is in its complete retirement. A bride, +often, even when she felt no other embarrassment, has found that she +had no voice with which to make her responses. It simply was not +there! + +A lady who was presented at court, and who felt--as she described +herself--wonderfully at her ease, began talking, and, without +wishing to speak loud, discovered that she was shouting like a +trumpeter. The somewhat unusual strain which she had put upon +herself, during the ordeal of being presented at the English court, +revenged itself by an outpouring of voice which she could not +control. + +Many shy people have recognized in themselves this curious and +unconscious elevation of the voice. It is not so common as a loss of +voice, but it is quite as uncontrollable. + +The bronchial tubes play us another trick when we are frightened: +the voice is the voice of somebody else, it has no resemblance to +our own. Ventriloquism might well study the phenomena of shyness, +for the voice becomes bass that was treble, and soprano that which +was contralto. + +"I dislike to have Wilthorpe come to see me," said a very shy woman +--"I know my voice will squeak so." With her Wilthorpe, who for some +reason drove her into an agony of shyness, had the effect of making +her talk in a high, unnatural strain, excessively fatiguing. + +The presence of one's own family, who are naturally painfully +sympathetic, has always had upon the bashful and the shy a most evil +effect. + +"I can never plead a cause before my father?" "Nor I before my son," +said two distinguished lawyers. "If mamma is in the room, I shall +never be able to get through my part," said a young amateur actor. + +But here we must pause to note another exception in the laws of +shyness. + +In the false perspective of the stage shyness often disappears. The +shy man, speaking the words, and assuming the character of another, +often loses his shyness. It is himself of whom he is afraid, not of +Tony Lumpkin or of Charles Surface, of Hamlet or of Claude Melnotte. +Behind their masks he can speak well; but if he at his own dinner- +table essays to speak, and mamma watches him with sympathetic eyes, +and his brothers and sisters are all listening, he fails. + +"Lord Percy sees me fall." + +Yet it is with our own people that we must stand or fall, live or +die; it is in our own circle that we must conquer our shyness. + +Now, these reflections are not intended as an argument against +sympathy properly expressed. A reasonable and judiciously expressed +sympathy with our fellow-beings is the very highest attribute of our +nature. "It unravels secrets more surely than the highest critical +faculty. Analysis of motives that sway men and women is like the +knife of the anatomist: it works on the dead. Unite sympathy to +observation, and the dead Spring to life." It is thus to the shy, in +their moments of tremor, that we should endeavor to be calmly +unsympathetic; not cruel, but indifferent, unobservant. + +Now, women of genius who obtain a reflected comprehension of certain +aspects of life through sympathy often arrive at the admirable +result of apprehending the sufferings of the shy without seeming to +observe them. Such a woman, in talking to a shy man, will not seem +to see him; she will prattle on about herself, or tell some funny +anecdote of how she was tumbled out into the snow, or how she +spilled her glass of claret at dinner, or how she got just too late +to the lecture; and while she is thus absorbed in her little +improvised autobiography, the shy man gets hold of himself and +ceases to be afraid of her. This is the secret of tact. + +Madame R‚camier, the famous beauty, was always somewhat shy. She was +not a wit, but she possessed the gift of drawing out what was best +in others. Her biographers have blamed her that she had not a more +impressionable temper, that she was not more sympathetic. Perhaps +(in spite of her courage when she took up contributions in the +churches dressed as a Neo-Greek) she was always hampered by shyness. +She certainly attracted all the best and most gifted of her time, +and had a noble fearlessness in friendship, and a constancy which +she showed by following Madame de Sta‰l into exile, and in her +devotion to Ballenche and Chateaubriand. She had the genius of +friendship, a native sincerity, a certain reality of nature--those +fine qualities which so often accompany the shy that we almost, as +we read biography and history, begin to think that shyness is but a +veil for all the virtues. + +Perhaps to this shyness, or to this hidden sympathy, did Madame +R‚camier owe that power over all men which survived her wonderful +beauty. The blind and poor old woman of the _Abbaye_ had not lost +her charm; the most eminent men and women of her day followed her +there, and enjoyed her quiet (not very eloquent) conversation. She +had a wholesome heart; it kept her from folly when she was young, +from a too over-facile sensitiveness to which an impressionable, +sympathetic temperament would have betrayed her. Her firm, sweet +nature was not flurried by excitement; she had a steadfastness in +her social relations which has left behind an everlasting renown to +her name. + +And what are, after all, these social relations which call for so +much courage, and which can create so much suffering to most of us +as we conquer for them our awkwardness and our shyness? Let us pause +for a moment, and try to be just. Let us contemplate these social +ethics, which call for so much that is, perhaps, artificial and +troublesome and contradictory. Society, so long as it is the +congregation of the good, the witty, the bright, the intelligent, +and the gifted, is the thing most necessary to us all. We are apt to +like it and its excitements almost too well, or to hate it, with its +excesses and its mistakes, too bitterly. We are rarely just to +society. + +The rounded and harmonious and temperate understanding and use of +society is, however, the very end and aim of education. We are born +to live with each other and not for ourselves; if we are cheerful, +our cheerfulness was given to us to make bright the lives of those +about us; if we have genius, that is a sacred trust; if we have +beauty, wit, joyousness, it was given us for the delectation of +others, not for ourselves; if we are awkward and shy, we are bound +to break the crust and to show that within us is beauty, +cheerfulness, and wit. "It is but the fool who loves excess." The +best human being should moderately like society. + +CHAPTER LV. CERTAIN QUESTIONS ANSWERED. + +We are asked by a correspondent as to when a gentleman should wear +his hat and when take it off. A gentleman wears his hat in the +street, on a steamboat deck, raising it to a lady acquaintance; also +in a promenade concert-room and picture-gallery. He never wears it +in a theatre or opera-house, and seldom in the parlors of a hotel. +The etiquette of raising the hat on the staircases and in the halls +of a hotel as gentlemen pass ladies is much commended. In Europe +each man raises his hat as he passes a bier, or if a hearse carrying +a dead body passes him. In this country men simply raise their hats +as a funeral _cort‚ge_ passes into a church, or at the grave. If a +gentleman, particularly an elderly one, takes off his hat and stands +uncovered in a draughty place, as the _foyer_ of an opera-house, +while talking to ladies, it is proper for one of them to say, "Pray +resume your hat "--a delicate attention deeply prized by a +respectful man, who, perhaps, would not otherwise cover his head. + +Again, our young lady friends ask us many questions on the subject +of _propriety_, showing how anxious they are to do right, but also +proving how far they are from apprehending what in Old-World customs +has been always considered propriety. In our new country the +relations of men and women are necessarily simple. The whole +business of etiquette is, of course, reduced to each one's sense of +propriety, and the standard must be changed as the circumstances +demand. As, for instance, a lady writes to know if she should thank +a gentleman for paying for her on an excursion. Now this involves a +long answer. In Europe no young lady could accept an invitation to +go as the guest of a young gentleman on "an excursion," and allow +him to pay for her, without losing much reputation. She would not in +either England or France be received in society again. She should be +invited by the gentleman through her father or mother, and one or +both should accompany an her. Even then it is not customary for +gentlemen to invite ladies to go on an excursion. He could invite +the lady's mother to chaperon a theatre party which he had paid for. + +Another young lady asks if she could with propriety buy the tickets +and take a young gentleman to the theatre. Of course she could, if +her mother or chaperon would go with her; but even then the mother +or chaperon should write the note of invitation. + +But in our free country it is, we hear, particularly in the West, +allowable for a young lady and gentleman to go off on, "an +excursion" together, the gentleman paying all the expenses. If that +is allowed, then, of course--to answer our correspondent's question +she should thank him. But if we were to answer the young lady's +later question, "Would this be considered etiquette?" we should say, +decidedly, No. + +Another question which we are perpetually asked is this: How to +allow a gentleman a proper degree of friendly intimacy without +allowing him to think himself too much of a favorite. Here we cannot +bring in either etiquette or custom to decide. One very general law +would be not to accept too many attentions, to show a certain +reserve in dancing with him or driving with him. It is always proper +for a gentleman to take a young lady out to drive in his dog-cart +with his servant behind, if her parents approve; but if it is done +very often, of course it looks conspicuous, and the lady runs the +risk of being considered engaged. And she knows, of course, whether +her looks and words give him reason to think that he is a favorite. +She must decide all that herself. + +Another writes to ask us if she should take a gentleman's hat and +coat when he calls. Never. Let him take care of those. Christianity +and chivalry, modern and ancient custom, make a man the servant of +women. The old form of salutation used by Sir Walter Raleigh and +other courtiers was always, "Your servant, madam," and it is the +prettiest and most admirable way for a man to address a woman in any +language. + +Another asks if she should introduce a gentleman who calls to her +mother. This, we should say, would answer itself did not the +question re-appear. Of course she should; and her mother should +always sit with her when she is receiving a call from a gentleman. + +But if in our lesser fashionable circles the restrictions of +etiquette are relaxed, let a young lady always remember these +general principles, that men will like and respect her far better if +she is extremely particular about allowing them to pay for her, if +she refuses two invitations out of three, if she is dignified and +reserved rather than if she is the reverse. + +At Newport it is now the fashion for young ladies to drive young men +out in their pony-phaetons with a groom behind, or even without a +groom; but a gentleman never takes out a lady in his own carriage +without a servant. + +Gentlemen and ladies walk together in the daytime unattended, but if +they ride on horseback a groom is always in attendance on the lady. +In rural neighborhoods where there are no grooms, and where a young +lady and gentleman go off for a drive unattended, they have thrown +Old-World etiquette out of the window, and must make a new etiquette +of their own. Propriety, mutual respect, and American chivalry have +done for women what all the surveillance of Spanish duennas and of +French etiquette has done for the young girl of Europe. If a woman +is a worker, an artist, a student, or an author, she can walk the +Quartier Latin of Paris unharmed. + +But she has in work an armor of proof. This is not etiquette when +she comes into the world of fashion. She must observe etiquette, as +she would do the laws of Prussia or of England, if she stands on +foreign shores. + +Perhaps we can illustrate this. Given a pretty young girl who shall +arrive on the steamer _Germania_ after being several years at school +in Paris, another who comes in by rail from Kansas, another from +some quiet, remote part of Georgia, and leave them all at the New +York Hotel for a winter. Let us imagine them all introduced at a New +York ball to three gentlemen, who shall call on them the next day. +If the girl educated in Paris, sitting by her mamma, hears the +others talk to the young men she will be shocked. The girls who have +been brought up far from the centres of etiquette seem to her to +have no modesty, no propriety. They accept invitations from the +young men to go to the theatre alone, to take drives, and perhaps, +as we have said, to "go on an excursion." + +To the French girl this seems to be a violation of propriety; but +later on she accepts an invitation to go out on a coach, with +perhaps ten or twelve others, and with a very young chaperon. The +party does not return until twelve at night, and as they walk +through the corridors to a late supper the young Western girl meets +them, and sees that the young men are already the worse for wine: +she is apt to say, "What a rowdy crowd!" and to think that, after +all, etiquette permits its own sins, in which she is right. + +In a general statement it may be as well to say that a severe +etiquette would prevent a young lady from receiving gifts from a +young man, except _bonbonnieres_ and bouquets. It is not considered +proper for him to offer her clothing of any sort--as gowns, bonnets, +shawls, or shoes--even if he is engaged to her. She may use her +discretion about accepting a camel's-hair shawl from a man old +enough to be her father, but she should never receive jewellery from +any one but a relative or her _fianc‚_ just before marriage. The +reason for this is obvious. It has been abused--the privilege which +all men desire, that of decking women with finery. + +A young lady should not write letters to young men, or send them +presents, or take the initiative in any way. A friendly +correspondence is very proper if the mother approves, but even this +has its dangers. Let a young lady always remember that she is to the +young man an angel to reverence until she lessens the distance +between them and extinguishes respect. + +Young women often write to us as to whether it is proper for them to +write letters of condolence or congratulation to ladies older than +themselves. We should say, Yes. The respect of young girls is always +felt gratefully by older ladies. The manners of the present are +vastly to be objected to on account of a lack of respect. The rather +bitter Mr. Carlyle wrote satirically of the manners of young ladies. +He even had his fling at their laugh: "Few are able to laugh what +can be called laughing, but only sniff and titter from the throat +outward, or at best produce some whiffling husky cachinnations as if +they were laughing through wool. Of none such comes good." A young +lady must not speak too loud or be too boisterous; she must even +tone down her wit, lest she be misunderstood. But she need not be +dull, or grumpy, or ill-tempered, or careless of her manners, +particularly to her mother's old friends. She must not talk slang, +or be in any way masculine; if she is, she loses the battle. A young +lady is sometimes called upon to be a hostess if her mother is dead. +Here her liberty becomes greater, but she should always have an aunt +or some elderly friend by her side to play chaperon. + +A young lady may do any manual labor without losing caste. She may +be a good cook, a fine laundress, a carver of wood, a painter, a +sculptor, an embroideress, a writer, a physician, and she will be +eligible, if her manners are good, to the best society anywhere. But +if she outrage the laws of good-breeding in the place where she is, +she cannot expect to take her place in society. Should she be seen +at Newport driving two gentlemen in her pony-phaeton, or should she +and another young woman take a gentleman between them and drive down +Bellevue Avenue, she would be tabooed. It would not be a wicked act, +but it would not look well; it would not be _convenable_. If she +dresses "loudly," with peculiar hats and a suspicious complexion, +she must take the consequences. She must be careful (if she is +unknown) not to attempt to copy the follies of well-known +fashionable women. What will be forgiven to Mrs. Well Known Uptown +will never be forgiven to Miss Kansas. Society in this respect is +very unjust--the world is always unjust--but that is a part of the +truth of etiquette which is to be remembered; it is founded on the +accidental conditions of society, having for its background, +however, the eternal principles of kindness, politeness, and the +greatest good of society. + +A young lady who is very prominent in society should not make +herself too common; she should not appear in too many charades, +private theatricals, tableaux, etc. She should think of the "violet +by the mossy stone." She must, also, at a watering-place remember +that every act of hers is being criticised by a set of lookers-on +who are not all friendly, and she must, ere she allow herself to be +too much of a belle, remember to silence envious tongues. + +CHAPTER LVI. ENGLISH TABLE MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. + +In no respect can American and English etiquette be contrasted more +fully than in the matter of the every-day dinner, which in America +finds a lady in a plain silk dress, high-necked and long-sleeved, +but at which the English lady always appears in a semi-grand +toilette, with open Pompadour corsage and elbow sleeves, if not in +low-necked, full-dress attire; while her daughters are uniformly +sleeveless, and generally in white dresses, often low-necked in +depth of winter. At dinner all the men are in evening dress, even if +there is no one present at the time but the family. + +The dinner is not so good as the ordinary American dinner, except in +the matter of fish, which is universally very fine. The vegetables +are few and poor, and the "sweets," as they call dessert, are very +bad. A gooseberry tart is all that is offered to one at an ordinary +dinner, although fine strawberries and a pine are often brought in +afterwards. The dinner is always served with much state, and +afterwards the ladies all combine to amuse the guests by their +talents. There is no false shame in England about singing and +playing the piano. Even poor performers do their best, and +contribute very much to the pleasure of the company. At the table +people do not talk much, nor do they gesticulate as Americans do. +They eat very quietly, and speak in low tones. No matters of family +history or religion or political differences are discussed before +the servants. Talking with the mouth full is considered an +unpardonable vulgarity. All small preferences for any particular +dish are kept in the background. No hostess ever apologizes, or +appears to hear or see anything disagreeable. If the _omelette +souffle_ is a failure, she does not observe it; the servant offers +and withdraws it, nor is any one disturbed thereby. As soon as one +is helped he must begin to eat, not waiting for any one else. If the +viand is too hot or too cold, or is not what the visitor likes, he +pretends to eat it, playing with knife and fork. + +No guest ever passes a plate or helps to anything; the servant does +all that. Soup is taken from the side of the spoon noiselessly. Soup +and fish are not partaken of a second time. If there is a joint, and +the master carves, it is proper, however, to ask for a second cut. +Bread is passed by the servants, and must be broken, not cut, +afterwards. It is considered _gauche_ to be undecided as to whether +you will take clear soup or thick soup; decide quickly. In refusing +wine, simply say, "Thanks;" the servant knows then that you do not +take any. + +The servants retire after handing the dessert, and a few minutes' +free conversation is allowed. Then the lady of the house gives the +signal for rising. Toasts and taking wine with people are entirely +out of fashion; nor do the gentlemen remain long in the dining-room. + +At the English dinner-table, from the plainest to the highest, there +is etiquette, manner, fine service, and everything that Englishmen +enjoy. The wit, the courtier, the beauty, and the poet aim at +appearing well at dinner. The pleasures of the table, says Savarin, +bring neither enchantment, ecstasy, nor transports, but they gain in +duration what they lose in intensity; they incline us favorably +towards all other pleasures--at least help to console us for the +loss of them. + +At very few houses, even that of a duke, does one see so elegant a +table and such a profusion of flowers as at every millionaire's +table in New York; but one does see superb old family silver and the +most beautiful table-linen even at a very plain abode. The table is +almost uniformly lighted with wax candles. Hot coffee is served +immediately after dinner in the drawing-room. Plum-pudding, a sweet +omelet, or a very rich plum-tart is often served in the middle of +dinner, before the game. The salad always comes last, with the +cheese. This is utterly unlike our American etiquette. + +Tea is served in English country-houses four or five times a day. It +is always brought to your bedside before rising; it is poured at +breakfast and at lunch; it is a necessary of life at five o'clock; +it is drunk just before going to bed. Probably the cold, damp +climate has much to do with this; and the tea is never very strong, +but is excellent, being always freshly drawn, not steeped, and is +most refreshing. + +Servants make the round of the table in pairs, offering the +condiments, the sauces, the vegetables, and the wines. The common- +sense of the English nation breaks out in their dinners. Nothing is +offered out of season. To make too great a display of wealth is +considered _bourgeois_ and vulgar to a degree. A choice but not +oversumptuous dinner meets you in the best houses. But to sit down +to the plainest dinners, as we do, _in plain clothes_, would never +be permitted. Even ladies in deep mourning are expected to make some +slight change at dinner. + +Iced drinks are never offered in England, nor in truth are they +needed. + +In England no one speaks of "sherry wine," "port wine;" "champagne +wine," he always says "sherry," "port," "claret," etc. But in France +one always says "vin de Champagne," "vin de Bordeaux," etc. It goes +to show that what is proper in one country is vulgar in another. + +It is still considered proper for the man of the house to know how +to carve, and at breakfast and lunch the gentlemen present always +cut the cold beef, the fowl, the pressed veal and the tongue. At a +country-house dinner the lady often helps the soup herself. Even at +very quiet dinners a _menu_ is written out by the hostess and placed +at each plate. The ceremony of the "first lady" being taken in first +and allowed to go out first is always observed at even a family +dinner. No one apologizes for any accident, such as overturning a +glass of claret, or dropping a spoon, or even breaking a glass. It +is passed over in silence. + +No English lady ever reproves her servants at table, nor even before +her husband and children. Her duty at table is to appear serene and +unruffled. She puts her guests at their ease by appearing at ease +herself. In this respect English hostesses are far ahead of American +ones. + +In the matter of public holidays and of their amusements the English +people behave very unlike American people. If there is a week of +holidays, as at Whitsuntide, all the laboring classes go out of town +and spend the day in the parks, the woods, or the country. By this +we mean shop-girls, clerks in banks, lawyer's clerks, young artists, +and physicians, all, in fact, who make their bread by the sweat of +their brows. As for the privileged classes, they go from London to +their estates, put on plain clothes, and fish or bunt, or the ladies +go into the woods to pick wild-flowers. The real love of nature, +which is so honorable a part of the English character, breaks out in +great and small. In America a holiday is a day when people dress in +their best, and either walk the streets of a great city, or else +take drives, or go to museums or theatres, or do something which +smacks of civilization. How few put on their plain clothes and stout +shoes and go into the woods! How much better it would be for them if +they did! + +At Whitsuntide the shop-girls of London--a hard worked class--go +down to Epping Forest, or to Hampton Court, or to Windsor, with +their basket of lunch, and everywhere one sees the sign "Hot Water +for Tea," which means that they go into the humble inn and pay a +penny for the use of the teapot and cup and the hot water, bringing +their own tea and sugar. The economy which is a part of every +Englishman's religion could well be copied in America. Even a +duchess tries to save money, saying wisely that it is better to give +it away in charity than to waste it. + +An unpleasant feature of English life is, however, the open palm, +every one being willing to take a fee, from a penny up to a +shilling, for the smallest service. The etiquette of giving has to +be learned. A shilling is, however, as good as a guinea for ordinary +use; no one but an American gives more. + +The carriage etiquette differs from ours, as the gentleman of the +family rides beside his wife, allowing his daughters to ride +backwards. He also smokes in the Park in the company of ladies, +which looks boorish. However, no gentleman sits beside a lady in +driving unless he is her husband, father, son, or brother. Not even +an affianced lover is permitted this seat. + +It must be confessed that the groups in Hyde Park and in Rotten Row +and about the Serpentine have a solemn look, the people in the +carriages rarely chatting, but sitting up in state to be looked at, +the people in chairs gravely staring at the others. None but the +people on horseback seem at their ease; they chat as they ride, and, +all faultlessly caparisoned as they are, with well-groomed horses, +and servants behind, they seem gay and jolly. In America it is the +equestrian who always looks preoccupied and solemn, and as if the +horse were quite enough to manage. The footmen are generally +powdered and very neatly dressed in livery, in the swell carriages, +but the coachmen are not so highly gotten up as formerly. +Occasionally one sees a very grand fat old coachman in wig and knee- +breeches, but Jeames Yellowplush is growing a thing of the past even +in London. + +A lady does not walk alone in the Park. She may walk alone to +church, or to do her shopping, but even this is not common. She had +better take a hansom, it now being proper for ladies to go out to +dinner alone in full dress in one of these singularly open and +exposed-looking carriages. It is not an uncommon sight to see a lady +in a diamond tiara in a London hansom by the blazing light of a +summer sun. Thus what we should shun as a very public thing the +reserved English woman does in crowded London, and regards it as +proper, while she smiles if she sees an American lady alone in a +victoria in Hyde Park, and would consider her a very improper person +if she asked a gentleman to drive out with her--as we do in our Park +every day of our lives--in an open carriage. Truly etiquette is a +curious and arbitrary thing, and differs in every country. + +In France, where they consider English people frightfully _gauche_, +all this etiquette is reversed, and is very much more like ours in +America. A Frenchman always takes off his hat on entering or leaving +a railway carriage if ladies are in it. An Englishman never takes +his hat off unless the Princess of Wales is passing, or he meets an +acquaintance. He sits with it on in the House of Commons, in the +reading-room of a hotel, at his club, where it is his privilege to +sulk; but in his own house he is the most charming of hosts. The +rudest and almost the most unkind persons in the world, if you meet +them without a letter or an introduction in a public place, the +English become in their own houses the most gentle, lovely, and +polite of all people. If the ladies meet in a friend's parlor, there +is none of that snobbish rudeness which is the fashion in America, +where one lady treats another as if she were afraid of +contamination, and will not speak to her. The lady-in-waiting to +Queen Victoria, the duchess, is not afraid of her nobility; her +friend's roof is an introduction; she speaks. + +There is a great sense of the value of a note. If a lady writes a +pretty note expressing thanks for civilities offered to her, all the +family call on her and thank her for her politeness. It is to be +feared that in this latter piece of good-breeding we are behind our +English cousins. The English call immediately after a party, an +invitation, or a letter of introduction. An elegant and easy +epistolary style is of great use in England; and indeed a lady is +expected even to write to an artist asking permission to call and +see his pictures--a thing rarely thought of in America. + +CHAPTER LVII. AMERICAN AND ENGLISH ETIQUETTE CONTRASTED. + +No sooner does the American traveller land in England than are +forced upon his consideration the striking differences in the +etiquette of the two countries, the language for common things, the +different system of intercourse between the employee and the +employer, the intense respectfulness of the guard on the railway, +the waiter at the hotel, and the porter who shoulders a trunk, and +the Stately "manageress" of the hotel, who greets a traveller as "my +lady," and holds out her hand for a shilling. This _respect_ strikes +him forcibly. The American in a similar position would not show the +politeness, but she would disdain the shilling. No American woman +likes to take a "fee," least of all an American landlady. In England +there is no such sensitiveness. Everybody can be feed who does even +the most elevated service. The stately gentlemen who show Windsor +Castle expect a shilling. Now as to the language for common things. +No American must ask for an apothecary's shop; he would not be +understood. He must inquire for the "chemist's" if he wants a dose +of medicine. Apothecaries existed in Shakespeare's time, as we learn +from "Romeo and Juliet," but they are "gone out" since. The chemist +has been born, and very good chemicals he keeps. As soon as an +American can divest himself of his habit of saying "baggage," and +remark that he desires his "luggage sent up by the four train," the +better for him. And it is the better for him if he learns the +language of the country quickly. Language in England, in all +classes, is a much more elaborate and finished science than with us. +Every one, from the cad to the cabinet minister, speaks his +sentences with what seems to us at first a stilted effort. There is +none of the easy drawl, the oblivion of consonants, which mark our +daily talk, It is very beautiful in the speech of women in England, +this clear enunciation and the proper use of words. Even the maid +who lights your fire asks your permission to do so in a studied +manner, giving each letter its place. The slang of England is the +affectation of the few. The "general public," as we should say, +speak our common language most correctly. At first it sounds +affected and strained, but soon the American ear grows to appreciate +it, and finds the pure well of English undefiled. + +The American lady will be sure to be charmed with the manners of the +very respectable person who lets lodgings, and she will be equally +sure to be shocked at the extortions of even the most honest and +best-meaning of them. Ice, lights, an extra egg for breakfast, all +these common luxuries, which are given away in America, and +considered as necessaries of existence, are charged for in England, +and if a bath is required in the morning in the tub which always +stands near the wash-stand, an extra sixpence is required for that +commonplace adjunct of the toilette. If ladies carry their own wine +from the steamer to a lodging-house, and drink it there, or offer it +to their friends, they are charged "corkage." On asking the meaning +of this now almost obsolete relic of barbarism, they are informed +that the lodging-house keeper pays a tax of twenty pounds a year for +the privilege of using wine or spirits on the premises, and seven +shillings--equal to nearly two dollars of our money--was charged an +invalid lady who opened one bottle of port and two little bottles of +champagne of her own in a lodging-house in Half-moon Street. As it +was left on the sideboard and nearly all drunk up by the waiter, the +lady demurred, but she had no redress. A friend told her afterwards +that she should have uncorked her bottles in her bedroom, and called +it medicine. + +These abuses, practised principally on Americans, are leading to the +far wiser and more generous plan of hotel living, where, as with us, +a man may know how much he is paying a day, and may lose this +disagreeable sense of being perpetually plucked. No doubt to English +people, who know how to cope with the landlady, who are accustomed +to dole out their stores very carefully, who know how to save a +sixpence, and will go without a lump of sugar in their tea rather +than pay for it, the lodging-house living has its conveniences. It +certainly is quieter and in some respects more comfortable than a +hotel, but it goes against the grain for any one accustomed to the +good breakfasts, the hearty lunch, and the excellent dinners of an +American hotel of the better class, to have to pay for a drink of +ice-water, and to be told that the landlady cannot give him soup and +fish on the same day unless her pay is raised. Indeed, it is +difficult to make any positive terms; the "extras" will come in. +This has led to the building of gigantic hotels in London on the +American plan, which arise rapidly on all sides. The Grand Hotel, +the Bristol, the First Avenue Hotel, the Midland, the Northwestern, +the Langham, and the Royal are all better places for an American +than the lodging-house, and they are very little if any more +expensive. In a lodging-house a lady must have a parlor, but in a +hotel she can sit in the reading-room, or write her letters at one +of the half-dozen little tables which she will find in each of the +many waiting-rooms. + +London is a very convenient city for the writing and posting of +letters. Foreigners send out their letters of introduction and +cards, expecting a reply in a few days, when, lo! the visitor is +announced as being outside. Here, again, London has the advantage of +New York. The immediate attention paid to a letter of introduction +might shame our more tardy hospitality. Never in the course of the +history of England has self-respecting Londoner neglected a letter +of introduction. If he is well-to-do, he asks the person who brings +the letter to dinner; if he is poor, he does what he can. He is not +ashamed to offer merely the hospitality of a cup of tea if he can do +no more. But he calls, and he sends you tickets for the "Zoo," or he +does something to show his appreciation of the friend who has given +the letter. Now in America we are very tardy about all this, and +often, to our shame, take no notice of letters of introduction. + +In the matter of dress the American lady finds a complete +_bouleversement_ of her own ideas. Who would not stare, on alighting +at the Fifth Avenue Hotel in the hot sunshine of a June evening, to +find ladies trooping in at the public entrance dressed in red and +blue and gold, with short sleeves or no sleeves, and very low +corsage, no cloak, no head-covering? And yet at the Grand Hotel in +London this is the nightly custom. These ladies are dressed for +theatre or opera, and they go to dine at a hotel first. No bonnet is +allowed at any theatre, so the full dress (which we should deem very +improper at Wallack's) is demanded at every theatre in London. Of +course elderly and quiet ladies can go in high dresses, but they +must not wear bonnets. The laws of the Medes and Persians were not +more strictly enforced than is this law by the custodians of the +theatre, who are neatly dressed women ushers with becoming caps. +Here, again, is a difference of custom, as we have no women ushers +in America, and in this respect the English fashion is the prettier. +It would be well, if we could introduce the habit of going to the +theatre bonnetless, for our high hats are universally denounced by +those who sit behind us. + +The appearance of English women now to the stranger in London +partakes of a character of loudness, excepting when on the top of a +coach. There they are most modestly and plainly dressed. While our +American women wear coaching dresses of bright orange silks and +white satins, pink trimmed with lace, and so on, the English woman +wears a plain colored dress, with a black mantilla or wrap, and +carries a dark parasol. No brighter dress than a fawn-colored +foulard appears on a coach in the great London parade of the Four- +in-Hands. + +Here the London woman is more sensible than her American cousin. The +Americans who now visit London are apt to be so plain and +undemonstrative in dress that they are called shabby. Perhaps +alarmed at the comments once made on their loudness of dress, the +American woman has toned down, and finds herself less gay than she +sees is fashionable at the theatre and opera. But she may be sure of +one thing--she should be plainly dressed rather than overdressed. + +As for dinner parties, one is asked at eight or half-past eight; no +one is introduced, but every one talks. The conversation is apt to +be low-voiced, but very bright and cordial--all English people +unbending at dinner. It is etiquette to leave a card next day after +a ball, and to call on a lady's reception day. For the out-of-door +_fˆtes_ at Hurlington and Sandhurst and the race days very brilliant +toilettes of short dresses, gay bonnets, and so on, are proper, and +as no one can go to the first two without a special invitation, the +people present are apt to be "swells," and well worth seeing. The +coaches which come out to these festivities have well-dressed women +on top, but they usually conceal their gay dresses with a wrap of +some sombre color while driving through London. No one makes the +slightest advance towards an acquaintance or an intimacy in London. +All is begun very formally by the presentation of letters, and after +that the invitation must be immediately accepted or declined, and no +person can, without offending his host, withdraw from a lunch or +dinner without making a most reasonable excuse. An American +gentleman long resident in London complains of his country-people in +this respect. + +He says they accept his invitations to dinner, he gets together a +most distinguished company to meet them, and at the last moment they +send him word: "So sorry, but have come in tired from Richmond. +Think we won't come. Thank you." + +Now where is his dinner party? Three or four angry Londoners, who +might have gone to a dozen different dinners, are sulkily sitting +about waiting for these Americans who take a dinner invitation so +lightly. + +The London luncheon, which is a very plain meal compared with ours-- +indeed, only a family dinner--is a favorite hospitality as extended +to Americans by busy men. Thus Sir John Millais, whose hours are +worth twenty pounds apiece, receives his friends at a plain lunch in +his magnificent house, at a table at which his handsome wife and +rosy daughters assist. So with Alma Tadema, and the literary people +whose time is money. Many of the noble people, whose time is not +worth so much, also invite one to lunch, and always the meal is an +informal one. + +English ladies are very accomplished as a rule, and sometimes come +into the drawing-room with their painting aprons over their gowns. +They never look so well as on horseback, where they have a +perfection of outfit and such horses and grooms as our American +ladies as yet cannot approach. The scene at the corner of Rotten Row +of a bright afternoon in the Derby week is unapproachable in any +country in the world. + +Many American ladies, not knowing the customs of the country, have, +with their gentlemen friends, mounted a coach at the Langham Hotel, +and have driven to the Derby, coming home very much shocked because +they were rudely accosted. + +Now ladies should never go to the Derby. It is not a "lady" race. It +is five hundred thousand people out on a spree, and no lady is safe +there. Ascot, on the contrary, _is_ a lady's race. But then she +should have a box, or else sit on the top of a coach. Such is the +etiquette. + +It would be better for all Americans, before entering London +society, to learn the etiquette of these things from some resident. + +In driving about, the most aristocratic lady can use the most +plebeian conveyance. The "four-wheeler" is the favorite carriage. A +servant calls them from the door-step with a whistle. They are very +cheap--one-and-sixpence for two miles, including a call not to +exceed fifteen minutes (the call). The hansom cab with one horse is +equally cheap, but not so easy to get in and out of. Both these +vehicles, with trunks on top of them, and a lady within, drive +through the Park side by side with the stately carriages. In this +respect London is more democratic than New York. + +CHAPTER LVIII. HOW TO TREAT ENGLISH PEOPLE. + +The highest lady in the realm, Queen Victoria, is always addressed +by the ladies and gentlemen of her household, and by all members of +the aristocracy and gentry, as "Ma'am," not "Madam," or "Your +Majesty," but simply, "Yes, ma'am," "No, ma'am." All classes not +coming within the category of gentry, such as the lower professional +classes, the middle classes, the lower middle classes, the lower +classes (servants), would address her as "Your Majesty," and not as +"Ma'am." The Prince of Wales is addressed as "Sir" by the +aristocracy and gentry, and never as "Your Royal Highness" by either +of these classes, but by all other people he is addressed as "Your +Royal Highness." + +The other sons of Queen Victoria are addressed as "Sir" by the upper +classes, but as "Your Royal Highness" by the middle and lower +classes, and by all persons not coming within the category of +gentry; and by gentry, English people mean not only the landed +gentry, but all persons belonging to the army and navy, the clergy, +the bar, the medical and other professions, the aristocracy of art +(Sir Frederick Leighton, the President of the Royal Academy, can +always claim a private audience with the sovereign), the aristocracy +of wealth, merchant princes, and the leading City merchants and +bankers. The Princess of Wales and all the princesses of the blood +royal are addressed as "Ma'am" by the aristocracy and gentry, but as +"Your Royal Highness" by all other classes. + +A foreign prince is addressed as "Prince" and "Sir" by the +aristocracy and gentry, and as "Your Serene Highness" by all other +classes; and a foreign princess would be addressed as "Princess" by +the aristocracy, or "Your Serene Highness" by the lower grades, but +never as "Ma'am." + +An English duke is addressed as "Duke" by the aristocracy and +gentry, and never as "Your Grace" by the members of either of these +classes; but all other classes address him as "Your Grace." A +marquis is sometimes conversationally addressed by the upper classes +as "Markis," but generally as "Lord A--," and a marchioness as "Lady +B--;" all other classes would address them as "Marquis" or +"Marchioness." The same remark holds good as to earls, countesses, +barons, baronnesses--all are "Lord B--" or "Lady B--." + +But Americans, who are always, if presented at court, entitled to be +considered as aristocracy and gentry, and as such are always +received, must observe that English people do not use titles often +even in speaking to a duke. It is only an ignorant person who +garnishes his conversation with these titles. Let the conversation +with Lord B flow on without saying "My lord" or "Lord B--" more +frequently than is absolutely necessary. One very ignorant American +in London was laughed at for saying, "That isn't so, lord," to a +nobleman. He should have said, "That isn't so, I think," or, "That +isn't so, Lord B--," or "my lord." + +The daughters of dukes, marquises, and earls are addressed as "Lady +Mary," "Lady Gwendoline," etc. This must never be forgotten, and the +younger sons of dukes and marquises are called "Lord John B--," +"Lord Randolph Churchill," etc. The wife of the younger son should +always be addressed by both the Christian and surname of her husband +by those slightly acquainted with her, and by her husband's +Christian name only by her intimate friends. Thus those who know +Lady Randolph Churchill well address her as "Lady Randolph." The +younger sons of earls, viscounts, and barons bear the courtesy title +of "Honorable," as do the female members of the family; but this is +never used colloquially under any circumstances, although always in +addressing a letter to them. + +Baronets are addressed by their full title and surname, as "Sir +Stafford Northcote," etc., by persons of the upper classes, and by +their titles and Christian names by all lower classes. Baronets' +wives are addressed as "Lady B--"or "Lady C--." They should not be +addressed as "Lady Thomas B--'" that would be to give them the rank +of the wife of a younger son of a duke or marquis, instead of that +of a baronet's wife only. + +In addressing foreigners of rank colloquially the received rule is +to address them by their individual titles without the addition of +the surname to their titles. In case of a prince being a younger son +he is addressed as "Prince Henry," as in the case of Prince Henry of +Battenberg. The sons of the reigning monarchs are addressed as "Your +Imperial Highness." A foreign nobleman is addressed as "Monsieur le +Duc," "Monsieur le Comte," "Monsieur le Baron," etc.; but if there is +no prefix of "de," the individual is addressed as "Baron +Rothschild," "Count Hohenthal," etc. + +While it is proper on the Continent to address an unmarried woman as +mademoiselle, without the surname, in England it would be considered +very vulgar. "Miss" must be followed by the surname. The wives of +archbishops, bishops, and deans are simply Mrs. A--, Mrs. B--, etc., +while the archbishop and bishop are always addressed as "Your Grace" +and as "My lord," their wives deriving no precedency and no title +from their husbands' ecclesiastical rank. It is the same with +military personages. + +Peeresses invariably address their husbands by their title; thus the +Duchess of Sutherland calls her husband "Sutherland," etc. Baronets' +wives call their husbands "Sir John" or "Sir George," etc. + +The order of precedency in England is strictly adhered to, and +English matrons declare that it is the greatest convenience, as it +saves them all the trouble of choosing who shall go in first, etc. +For this reason, among others, the "Book of the Peerage" has been +called the Englishman's Bible, it is so often consulted. + +But the question of how to treat English people has many another +phase than that of mere title, as we look at it from an American +point of view. + +When we visit England we take rank with the highest, and can well +afford to address the queen as "Ma'am." In fact, we are expected to +do so. A well-bred, well-educated, well-introduced American has the +highest position in the social scale. He may not go in to dinner +with a duchess, but he is generally very well placed. As for a well- +bred, handsome woman, there is no end to the privileges of her +position in England, if she observes two or three rules. She should +not effuse too much, nor be too generous of titles, nor should she +fail of the necessary courtesy due always from guest to hostess. She +should have herself presented at court by her Minister or by some +distinguished friend, if She wishes to enter fashionable society. +Then she has the privilege of attending any subsequent Drawing-room, +and is eligible to invitations to the court bails and royal +concerts, etc. + +American women have succeeded wonderfully of late years in all +foreign society from their beauty, their wit, and their originality. +From the somewhat perilous admiration of the Prince of Wales and +other Royal Highnesses for American beauties, there has grown up, +however, a rather presumptuous boldness in some women, which has +rather speedily brought them into trouble, and therefore it may be +advisable that even a witty and very pretty woman should hold +herself in check in England. + +English people are very kind in illness, grief, or in anything which +is inevitable, but they are speedily chilled by any step towards a +too sudden intimacy. They resent anything like "pushing" more than +any other people in the world. In no country has intellect, reading, +cultivation, and knowledge such "success" as in England. If a lady, +especially, can talk well, she is invited everywhere. If she can do +anything to amuse the company--as to sing well, tell fortunes by the +hand, recite, or play in charades or private theatricals--she is +almost sure of the highest social recognition. She is expected to +dress well, and Americans are sure to do this. The excess of +dressing too much is to be discouraged. It is far better to be too +plain than too fine in England, as, indeed, it is everywhere; an +overdressed woman is undeniably vulgar in any country. + +If we could learn to treat English people as they treat us in the +matter of _introductions_, it would be a great advance. The English +regard a letter of introduction as a sacred institution and an +obligation which cannot be disregarded. If a lady takes a letter to +Sir John Bowring, and he has illness in his family and cannot ask +her to dinner, he comes to call on her, he sends her tickets for +every sort of flower show, the museums, the Botanical Garden, and +all the fine things; he sends her his carriage--he evidently has her +on his mind. Sir Frederick Leighton, the most courted, the busiest +man in London, is really so kind, so attentive, so assiduous in his +response to letters of introduction that one hesitates to present a +letter for fear of intruding on his industrious and valuable life. + +Of course there are disagreeable English people, and there is an +animal known as the English snob, than which there is no Tasmanian +devil more disagreeable. Travellers everywhere have met this +variety, and one would think that formerly it must have been more +common than it is now. There are also English families who have a +Continental, one might say a cosmopolitan, reputation for +disagreeability, as we have some American families, well known to +history, who have an almost patrician and hereditary claim to the +worst manners in the universe. Well-born bears are known all over +the world, but they are in the minority. It is almost a sure sign of +base and ignoble blood to be badly mannered. And if the American +visitor treats his English host half as well as the host treats him, +he may feel assured that the _entente cordiale_ will soon be +perfect. + +One need not treat the average Englishman either with a too effusive +cordiality or with that half-contemptuous fear of being snubbed +which is of all things the most disagreeable. A sort of "chip on the +shoulder" spread-eagleism formerly made a class of Americans +unpopular; now Americans are in favor in England, and are treated +most cordially. + +CHAPTER LIX. A FOREIGN TABLE D'HOTE, AND CASINO LIFE ABROAD. + +Life at a French watering-place differs so essentially from that at +our own Saratoga, Sharon, Richfield, Newport, and Long Branch, that +a few items of observation may be indulged in to show us what an +immense improvement we could introduce into our study of amusement +by following the foreign fashions of simplicity in eating and +drinking. + +The Continental people never eat that heavy early meal which we call +breakfast. They take in their rooms at eight o'clock a cup of coffee +and a roll, what they call _caf‚ complet_, or they may prefer tea +and oatmeal, the whole thing very simple. Then at Aix-les Rains or +Vichy the people under treatment go to the bath, taking a rest +afterwards. All this occupies an hour. They then rise and dress for +the eleven o'clock _d‚jeuner … la fourchette_, which is a formal +meal served in courses, with red wine instead of coffee or tea. This +is all that one has to do in the eating line until dinner. Imagine +what a fine clear day that gives one. How much uninterrupted time! +How much better for the housekeeper in a small boarding-house! And +at a hotel where the long, heavy breakfast, from seven to eleven, +keeps the dining-room greasy and badly ventilated until the tables +must be cleared for a one or two o'clock dinner, it is to contrast +order with disorder, and neatness with its reverse. + +The foreign breakfast at eleven is a delicious meal, as will be seen +by the following bills of fare: _oeufs au beurre noir_; _saut‚ +printanier_ (a sort of stew of meat and fresh vegetables); _viande +froide panach‚e_; _salade de saison_; _compote de fruit et +pƒtisserie_; _fromage_, _fruit_, _caf‚_. + +Another breakfast is: _oeufs au plat_; _poulet … la Godard_; +_c'telettes de mouton grillees_; _reviere pommes de terre_; _flans +d'apricot_; and so on, with every variety of stewed pigeon, trout +from the lake, delicious preparations of spinach, and always a +variety of the cheeses which are so fresh and so healthful, just +brought from the Alpine valleys. The highly flavored Alpine +strawberries are added to this meal. Then all eating is done for the +day until the six or seven o'clock dinner. This gives the visitor a +long and desirable day for excursions, which in the neighborhood of +Aix are especially charming, particularly the drive to Chambery, one +of the most quaintly interesting of towns, through the magnificent +break in the Alps at whose southern portal stands La Grande +Chartreuse. All this truly healthy disposition of time and of eating +is one reason why a person comes home from a foreign watering-place +in so much better trim, morally, mentally, and physically, than from +the unhealthy gorging of our American summer resorts. + +At twelve or one begins the music at the Casino, usually a pretty +building in a garden. In this shady park the mammas with their +children sit and listen to the strains of the best bands in Europe. +Paris sends her artists from the Chƒtelet, and the morning finds +itself gone and well into the afternoon before the outside pleasures +of the Casino are exhausted. Here, of course, trip up and down on +the light fantastic toe, and in the prettiest costumes of the day, +all the daughters of the earth, with their attendant cavaliers. +There are certain aspects of a foreign watering-place with which we +have nothing to do here, such as the gambling and the overdressing +of a certain class, but all is externally most respectable. At four +or earlier every one goes to drive in the _voiture de place_ or the +_voiture de remise_, the latter being a handsome hired carriage of a +superior class. But the _voiture de place_, with a Savoyard driver, +is good enough. He knows the road; his sturdy horse is accustomed to +the hills; he takes one for three francs an hour--about half what is +charged at Saratoga or Sharon or Richfield; he expects a few cents +as pourboire, that is all. The vehicle is a humble sort of victoria, +very easy and safe, and the drive is generally through scenery of +the most magnificent description. + +Ladies at a foreign watering-place have generally much to amuse them +at the shops. Antiquities of all sorts, especially old china +(particularly old Saxe), also old carved furniture from the well- +known chateaux of Savoy, are found at Aix. The prices are so small +compared with what such curiosities would bring in New York that the +buyer is tempted to buy what she does not want, forgetting how much +it will cost to get it home. Old lace and bits of embroidery and +stuffs are brought to the door. There is nothing too rococo for the +peripatetic vender in these foreign watering-places. + +The dinner is a very good one. Cooked by Italian or French cooks, it +may be something of this sort: _potage de riz_; _lavarets St. +Houlade_; filets de boeuf Beaumaire_ (a delicious sauce with basil +mixed in it, a slight taste of aniseed); _bouchers … la reine_; +_chapon roti au cresson_; _asperge au branches_; _glace au +chocolat_; _caf‚_; or: _potage au Cr‚cy_; _turbot aux cƒpres_; +_langue de boeuf_; _petits pois, lies au beurre_; _bombe vanille_; +with fruits, cheese, and cakes, and always the wine of the country, +for which no extra charge is made. These delicious meals cost--the +breakfast four francs (wine included), the dinner ten francs. It +would be difficult in our country to find such cooking anywhere, and +for that price simply impossible. + +Music in the Casino grounds follows the dinner. The pretty women, by +this time in the short, gay foulards and in the dressy hats in which +they will appear later at the Casino ball, are tripping up and down +in the gas-lighted grounds. The scene is often illuminated by +fireworks. At eight and a half the whole motley crew has entered the +Casino, and there the most amusing dancing--valse, galop, and polka +--is in vogue. The Pole is known by his violent dancing; "he strikes +and flutters like a cock, he capers in the air, he kicks his heels +up to the stars." There is heartiness in the dancing of the Swedes +and Danes, there is mettle in their heels, but no people caper like +the Poles. The Russians and the Americans dance the best. They are +the elegant dancers of the world. French women dance beautifully: + +"A fine, sweet earthquake, gently moved By the soft wind of their +dispersing silks." + +No lady appears at the Casino bareheaded; it is always with hat or +bonnet, and she lives in her bonnet more or less even at the balls. + +If a concert or a play is going on in the little theatre, the same +people take their places in boxes or seats, until every face becomes +familiar, as one knows one's shipmates. Sometimes pleasant +acquaintances are thus formed. A very free-and-easy system of +etiquette permits dancing between parties who have not been +introduced, and the same privilege extends to the asking of a party +of ladies to take an ice. All acquaintance ceases on leaving the +Casino, however, unless the lady chooses to bow to her cavalier. + +Sometimes the steward of the Casino gets up a fancy-dress ball under +the patronage of some lady, and then the motley crew appear as +historical characters. It is a unique and gay spectacle. Here in the +land of the old masters some very fine representations of the best +pictures are hastily improvised, and almost without any apparent +effort the whole ball is gotten up with spirit and ingenuity. This, +too, among people who never met the day before yesterday. There is a +wide range of costume allowed for those who take part in these +revelries. + +The parquet floor of a foreign Casino is the most perfect thing for +good dancing. They understand laying these floors there better than +we do, and the climate does not alter them, as with us. They are the +pleasantest and easiest of all floors to dance upon. + +Not the least striking episode to an American eye is the sight of +many priests and men in ecclesiastical garments at these Casinos. +The number of priestly robes everywhere strikes the visitor to a +French watering-place most emphatically. The schoolmasters are young +priests, and walk about with their boys, and the old priests are +everywhere. A solemn procession crosses the gay scene occasionally. +Three or four acolytes bearing censers, a group of mourners, a tall +and stately nun in gray robes and veil walking magnificently, and +moving her lips in prayer; then a group of people; then a priest +with book in hand saying aloud the prayers for the dead; then the +black box, the coffin, carried on a bier by men, the motley crowd +uncovering as the majesty passes; and the boys follow, chanting, + +"The glories of our birth and state Are shadows, not substantial +things; There is no armor against fate; Death lays his icy hand on +kings." + +Yes, and on the gay visitor at the Casino. These simple and +unostentatious funerals are very impressive. The priests always walk +bareheaded through the streets on these occasions, and on many +others. Indeed, the priestly head seems impatient of a hat. + +The fˆtes of the peasants are things to go and see, and the +unalterable differences of rank are deeply impressed on the American +mind. An old peasant woman has brought cheese and milk into Aix for +forty years, and now, in her sixties, she still brings them, and +walks eight miles a day. There is no hope that her daughter will +ever join in the gayeties of the Casino, as in America she might +certainly aspire to do. The daughter will be a peasant, as her +mother was, and far happier and more respectable for it, and +certainly more picturesque. How many of the peasant dresses have +given an idea to the modiste! And one sees in the fields of Savoy +the high hat with conical crown, with brim either wide or flat, +which has now become so fashionable; also the flat mushroom hat of +straw with the natural bunch of corn and red poppy, which has gone +from Fanchon up to the duchess. They both come from the fields. + +Of course horse-races, formed after the plan of Longchamps, are +inseparable from the amusements of a French watering-place; and in +proportion to the number of guests to be amused; the horses come +down from the various stables. Pigeon-shooting goes on all the time. + +It is said that the French have a greater hatred of ennui than any +other people in the world. They do not know what it means. They +amuse themselves all the time, and are never at a loss. The well- +bred French women have as much energy and industry as any New +England woman, but they take their amusement more resolutely, never +losing music, gayety, and "distraction." Perhaps what amuses them +might not amuse the more sober Saxon, but the delicate embroidery of +their lives, with all that comes thus cheaply to them, certainly +makes them a very delightful set. Their manners are most +fascinating, never selfish, never ponderous, never self-conscious, +but always most agreeable. The French woman is _sui generis_. She +may no longer be very young; she never was very handsome. Every +sensation that the human mind can experience she has experienced; +every caprice, whim, and fancy that human imagination can conceive +she has gratified. She is very intelligent; she was born with a +perfect taste in dress; and she is--all the novelists to the +contrary notwithstanding--a very good wife, an excellent mother, a +charming companion, a most useful and sensible helpmeet, with a +perfect idea of doing her half of the business of life, and of +getting out of her hours of leisure all the amusement she can. At a +French watering-place the French women of the better class are most +entirely at home and intensely agreeable. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Manners and Social Usages +by Mrs. John M. E. W. 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