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diff --git a/8170.txt b/8170.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..357d159 --- /dev/null +++ b/8170.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5342 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book V., by Francois Rabelais + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book V. + Five Books Of The Lives, Heroic Deeds And Sayings Of Gargantua And + His Son Pantagruel + + +Author: Francois Rabelais + +Release Date: August 8, 2004 [EBook #8170] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, BOOK V. *** + + + + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + + + + + +MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS + + +FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF + +GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL + + +Book V. + + +Translated into English by + +Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty + +and + +Peter Antony Motteux + + + + +The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the +first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation. Footnotes initialled 'M.' +are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the +translator. Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in +1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux's editorship. +Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708. Occasionally (as +the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from +the 1738 copy edited by Ozell. + + + + +THE FIFTH BOOK + + +The Author's Prologue. + +Indefatigable topers, and you, thrice precious martyrs of the smock, give +me leave to put a serious question to your worships while you are idly +striking your codpieces, and I myself not much better employed. Pray, why +is it that people say that men are not such sots nowadays as they were in +the days of yore? Sot is an old word that signifies a dunce, dullard, +jolthead, gull, wittol, or noddy, one without guts in his brains, whose +cockloft is unfurnished, and, in short, a fool. Now would I know whether +you would have us understand by this same saying, as indeed you logically +may, that formerly men were fools and in this generation are grown wise? +How many and what dispositions made them fools? How many and what +dispositions were wanting to make 'em wise? Why were they fools? How +should they be wise? Pray, how came you to know that men were formerly +fools? How did you find that they are now wise? Who the devil made 'em +fools? Who a God's name made 'em wise? Who d'ye think are most, those +that loved mankind foolish, or those that love it wise? How long has it +been wise? How long otherwise? Whence proceeded the foregoing folly? +Whence the following wisdom? Why did the old folly end now, and no later? +Why did the modern wisdom begin now, and no sooner? What were we the worse +for the former folly? What the better for the succeeding wisdom? How +should the ancient folly be come to nothing? How should this same new +wisdom be started up and established? + +Now answer me, an't please you. I dare not adjure you in stronger terms, +reverend sirs, lest I make your pious fatherly worships in the least +uneasy. Come, pluck up a good heart; speak the truth and shame the devil. +Be cheery, my lads; and if you are for me, take me off three or five +bumpers of the best, while I make a halt at the first part of the sermon; +then answer my question. If you are not for me, avaunt! avoid, Satan! For +I swear by my great-grandmother's placket (and that's a horrid oath), that +if you don't help me to solve that puzzling problem, I will, nay, I already +do repent having proposed it; for still I must remain nettled and +gravelled, and a devil a bit I know how to get off. Well, what say you? +I'faith, I begin to smell you out. You are not yet disposed to give me an +answer; nor I neither, by these whiskers. Yet to give some light into the +business, I'll e'en tell you what had been anciently foretold in the matter +by a venerable doctor, who, being moved by the spirit in a prophetic vein, +wrote a book ycleped the Prelatical Bagpipe. What d'ye think the old +fornicator saith? Hearken, you old noddies, hearken now or never. + + The jubilee's year, when all like fools were shorn, + Is about thirty supernumerary. + O want of veneration! fools they seemed, + But, persevering, with long breves, at last + No more they shall be gaping greedy fools. + For they shall shell the shrub's delicious fruit, + Whose flower they in the spring so much had feared. + +Now you have it, what do you make on't? The seer is ancient, the style +laconic, the sentences dark like those of Scotus, though they treat of +matters dark enough in themselves. The best commentators on that good +father take the jubilee after the thirtieth to be the years that are +included in this present age till 1550 (there being but one jubilee every +fifty years). Men shall no longer be thought fools next green peas season. + +The fools, whose number, as Solomon certifies, is infinite, shall go to pot +like a parcel of mad bedlamites as they are; and all manner of folly shall +have an end, that being also numberless, according to Avicenna, maniae +infinitae sunt species. Having been driven back and hidden towards the +centre during the rigour of the winter, 'tis now to be seen on the surface, +and buds out like the trees. This is as plain as a nose in a man's face; +you know it by experience; you see it. And it was formerly found out by +that great good man Hippocrates, Aphorism Verae etenim maniae, &c. This +world therefore wisifying itself, shall no longer dread the flower and +blossoms of every coming spring, that is, as you may piously believe, +bumper in hand and tears in eyes, in the woeful time of Lent, which used to +keep them company. + +Whole cartloads of books that seemed florid, flourishing, and flowery, gay, +and gaudy as so many butterflies, but in the main were tiresome, dull, +soporiferous, irksome, mischievous, crabbed, knotty, puzzling, and dark as +those of whining Heraclitus, as unintelligible as the numbers of +Pythagoras, that king of the bean, according to Horace; those books, I say, +have seen their best days and shall soon come to nothing, being delivered +to the executing worms and merciless petty chandlers; such was their +destiny, and to this they were predestinated. + +In their stead beans in cod are started up; that is, these merry and +fructifying Pantagruelian books, so much sought nowadays in expectation of +the following jubilee's period; to the study of which writings all people +have given their minds, and accordingly have gained the name of wise. + +Now I think I have fairly solved and resolved your problem; then reform, +and be the better for it. Hem once or twice like hearts of oak; stand to +your pan-puddings, and take me off your bumpers, nine go-downs, and huzza! +since we are like to have a good vintage, and misers hang themselves. Oh! +they will cost me an estate in hempen collars if fair weather hold. For I +hereby promise to furnish them with twice as much as will do their business +on free cost, as often as they will take the pains to dance at a rope's end +providently to save charges, to the no small disappointment of the finisher +of the law. + +Now, my friends, that you may put in for a share of this new wisdom, and +shake off the antiquated folly this very moment, scratch me out of your +scrolls and quite discard the symbol of the old philosopher with the golden +thigh, by which he has forbidden you to eat beans; for you may take it for +a truth granted among all professors in the science of good eating, that he +enjoined you not to taste of them only with the same kind intent that a +certain fresh-water physician had when he did forbid to Amer, late Lord of +Camelotiere, kinsman to the lawyer of that name, the wing of the partridge, +the rump of the chicken, and the neck of the pigeon, saying, Ala mala, +rumpum dubium, collum bonum, pelle remota. For the duncical dog-leech was +so selfish as to reserve them for his own dainty chops, and allowed his +poor patients little more than the bare bones to pick, lest they should +overload their squeamish stomachs. + +To the heathen philosopher succeeded a pack of Capuchins, monks who forbid +us the use of beans, that is, Pantagruelian books. They seem to follow the +example of Philoxenus and Gnatho, one of whom was a Sicilian of fulsome +memory, the ancient master-builders of their monastic cram-gut +voluptuousness, who, when some dainty bit was served up at a feast, +filthily used to spit on it, that none but their nasty selves might have +the stomach to eat of it, though their liquorish chops watered never so +much after it. + +So those hideous, snotty, phthisicky, eaves-dropping, musty, moving forms +of mortification, both in public and private, curse those dainty books, and +like toads spit their venom upon them. + +Now, though we have in our mother-tongue several excellent works in verse +and prose, and, heaven be praised! but little left of the trash and +trumpery stuff of those duncical mumblers of ave-maries and the barbarous +foregoing Gothic age, I have made bold to choose to chirrup and warble my +plain ditty, or, as they say, to whistle like a goose among the swans, +rather than be thought deaf among so many pretty poets and eloquent +orators. And thus I am prouder of acting the clown, or any other +under-part, among the many ingenious actors in that noble play, than of +herding among those mutes, who, like so many shadows and ciphers, only serve +to fill up the house and make up a number, gaping and yawning at the flies, +and pricking up their lugs, like so many Arcadian asses, at the striking up +of the music; thus silently giving to understand that their fopships are +tickled in the right place. + +Having taken this resolution, I thought it would not be amiss to move my +Diogenical tub, that you might not accuse me of living without example. I +see a swarm of our modern poets and orators, your Colinets, Marots, +Drouets, Saint Gelais, Salels, Masuels, and many more, who, having +commenced masters in Apollo's academy on Mount Parnassus, and drunk +brimmers at the Caballin fountain among the nine merry Muses, have raised +our vulgar tongue, and made it a noble and everlasting structure. Their +works are all Parian marble, alabaster, porphyry, and royal cement; they +treat of nothing but heroic deeds, mighty things, grave and difficult +matters, and this in a crimson, alamode, rhetorical style. Their writings +are all divine nectar, rich, racy, sparkling, delicate, and luscious wine. +Nor does our sex wholly engross this honour; ladies have had their share of +the glory; one of them, of the royal blood of France, whom it were a +profanation but to name here, surprises the age at once by the transcendent +and inventive genius in her writings and the admirable graces of her style. +Imitate those great examples if you can; for my part I cannot. Everyone, +you know, cannot go to Corinth. When Solomon built the temple, all could +not give gold by handfuls. + +Since then 'tis not in my power to improve our architecture as much as +they, I am e'en resolved to do like Renault of Montauban: I'll wait on the +masons, set on the pot for the masons, cook for the stone-cutters; and +since it was not my good luck to be cut out for one of them, I will live +and die the admirer of their divine writings. + +As for you, little envious prigs, snarling bastards, puny critics, you'll +soon have railed your last; go hang yourselves, and choose you out some +well-spread oak, under whose shade you may swing in state, to the +admiration of the gaping mob; you shall never want rope enough. While I +here solemnly protest before my Helicon, in the presence of my nine +mistresses the Muses, that if I live yet the age of a dog, eked out with +that of three crows, sound wind and limbs, like the old Hebrew captain +Moses, Xenophilus the musician, and Demonax the philosopher, by arguments +no ways impertinent, and reasons not to be disputed, I will prove, in the +teeth of a parcel of brokers and retailers of ancient rhapsodies and such +mouldy trash, that our vulgar tongue is not so mean, silly, inept, poor, +barren, and contemptible as they pretend. Nor ought I to be afraid of I +know not what botchers of old threadbare stuff, a hundred and a hundred +times clouted up and pieced together; wretched bunglers that can do nothing +but new-vamp old rusty saws; beggarly scavengers that rake even the +muddiest canals of antiquity for scraps and bits of Latin as insignificant +as they are often uncertain. Beseeching our grandees of Witland that, as +when formerly Apollo had distributed all the treasures of his poetical +exchequer to his favourites, little hulchbacked Aesop got for himself the +office of apologue-monger; in the same manner, since I do not aspire +higher, they would not deny me that of puny rhyparographer, or riffraff +follower of the sect of Pyreicus. + +I dare swear they will grant me this; for they are all so kind, so +good-natured, and so generous, that they'll ne'er boggle at so small a +request. Therefore, both dry and hungry souls, pot and trenchermen, fully +enjoying those books, perusing, quoting them in their merry conventicles, +and observing the great mysteries of which they treat, shall gain a singular +profit and fame; as in the like case was done by Alexander the Great with +the books of prime philosophy composed by Aristotle. + +O rare! belly on belly! what swillers, what twisters will there be! + +Then be sure all you that take care not to die of the pip, be sure, I say, +you take my advice, and stock yourselves with good store of such books as +soon as you meet with them at the booksellers; and do not only shell those +beans, but e'en swallow them down like an opiate cordial, and let them be +in you; I say, let them be within you; then you shall find, my beloved, +what good they do to all clever shellers of beans. + +Here is a good handsome basketful of them, which I here lay before your +worships; they were gathered in the very individual garden whence the +former came. So I beseech you, reverend sirs, with as much respect as was +ever paid by dedicating author, to accept of the gift, in hopes of somewhat +better against next visit the swallows give us. + + + + + + +THE FIFTH BOOK. + + +Chapter 5.I. + +How Pantagruel arrived at the Ringing Island, and of the noise that we +heard. + +Pursuing our voyage, we sailed three days without discovering anything; on +the fourth we made land. Our pilot told us that it was the Ringing Island, +and indeed we heard a kind of a confused and often repeated noise, that +seemed to us at a great distance not unlike the sound of great, +middle-sized, and little bells rung all at once, as 'tis customary at Paris, +Tours, Gergeau, Nantes, and elsewhere on high holidays; and the nearer we +came to the land the louder we heard that jangling. + +Some of us doubted that it was the Dodonian kettle, or the portico called +Heptaphone in Olympia, or the eternal humming of the colossus raised on +Memnon's tomb in Thebes of Egypt, or the horrid din that used formerly to +be heard about a tomb at Lipara, one of the Aeolian islands. But this did +not square with chorography. + +I do not know, said Pantagruel, but that some swarms of bees hereabouts may +be taking a ramble in the air, and so the neighbourhood make this +dingle-dangle with pans, kettles, and basins, the corybantine cymbals of +Cybele, grandmother of the gods, to call them back. Let's hearken. When we +were nearer, among the everlasting ringing of these indefatigable bells we +heard the singing, as we thought, of some men. For this reason, before we +offered to land on the Ringing Island, Pantagruel was of opinion that we +should go in the pinnace to a small rock, near which we discovered an +hermitage and a little garden. There we found a diminutive old hermit, +whose name was Braguibus, born at Glenay. He gave us a full account of all +the jangling, and regaled us after a strange sort of fashion--four livelong +days did he make us fast, assuring us that we should not be admitted into +the Ringing Island otherwise, because it was then one of the four fasting, +or ember weeks. As I love my belly, quoth Panurge, I by no means understand +this riddle. Methinks this should rather be one of the four windy weeks; +for while we fast we are only puffed up with wind. Pray now, good father +hermit, have not you here some other pastime besides fasting? Methinks it is +somewhat of the leanest; we might well enough be without so many palace +holidays and those fasting times of yours. In my Donatus, quoth Friar John, +I could find yet but three times or tenses, the preterit, the present, and +the future; doubtless here the fourth ought to be a work of supererogation. +That time or tense, said Epistemon, is aorist, derived from the +preter-imperfect tense of the Greeks, admitted in war (?) and odd cases. +Patience perforce is a remedy for a mad dog. Saith the hermit: It is, as I +told you, fatal to go against this; whosoever does it is a rank heretic, and +wants nothing but fire and faggot, that's certain. To deal plainly with +you, my dear pater, cried Panurge, being at sea, I much more fear being wet +than being warm, and being drowned than being burned. + +Well, however, let us fast, a God's name; yet I have fasted so long that it +has quite undermined my flesh, and I fear that at last the bastions of this +bodily fort of mine will fall to ruin. Besides, I am much more afraid of +vexing you in this same trade of fasting; for the devil a bit I understand +anything in it, and it becomes me very scurvily, as several people have +told me, and I am apt to believe them. For my part, I have no great +stomach to fasting; for alas! it is as easy as pissing a bed, and a trade +of which anybody may set up; there needs no tools. I am much more inclined +not to fast for the future; for to do so there is some stock required, and +some tools are set a-work. No matter, since you are so steadfast, and +would have us fast, let us fast as fast as we can, and then breakfast in +the name of famine. Now we are come to these esurial idle days. I vow I +had quite put them out of my head long ago. If we must fast, said +Pantagruel, I see no other remedy but to get rid of it as soon as we can, +as we would out of a bad way. I'll in that space of time somewhat look +over my papers, and examine whether the marine study be as good as ours at +land. For Plato, to describe a silly, raw, ignorant fellow, compares him +to those that are bred on shipboard, as we would do one bred up in a +barrel, who never saw anything but through the bung-hole. + +To tell you the short and the long of the matter, our fasting was most +hideous and terrible; for the first day we fasted on fisticuffs, the second +at cudgels, the third at sharps, and the fourth at blood and wounds: such +was the order of the fairies. + + + +Chapter 5.II. + +How the Ringing Island had been inhabited by the Siticines, who were become +birds. + +Having fasted as aforesaid, the hermit gave us a letter for one whom he +called Albian Camar, Master Aedituus of the Ringing Island; but Panurge +greeting him called him Master Antitus. He was a little queer old fellow, +bald-pated, with a snout whereat you might easily have lighted a +card-match, and a phiz as red as a cardinal's cap. He made us all very +welcome, upon the hermit's recommendation, hearing that we had fasted, as I +have told you. + +When we had well stuffed our puddings, he gave us an account of what was +remarkable in the island, affirming that it had been at first inhabited by +the Siticines; but that, according to the course of nature--as all things, +you know, are subject to change--they were become birds. + +There I had a full account of all that Atteius Capito, Paulus, Marcellus, +A. Gellius, Athenaeus, Suidas, Ammonius, and others had writ of the +Siticines and Sicinnists; and then we thought we might as easily believe +the transmutations of Nectymene, Progne, Itys, Alcyone, Antigone, Tereus, +and other birds. Nor did we think it more reasonable to doubt of the +transmogrification of the Macrobian children into swans, or that of the men +of Pallene in Thrace into birds, as soon as they had bathed themselves in +the Tritonic lake. After this the devil a word could we get out of him but +of birds and cages. + +The cages were spacious, costly, magnificent, and of an admirable +architecture. The birds were large, fine, and neat accordingly, looking as +like the men in my country as one pea does like another; for they ate and +drank like men, muted like men, endued or digested like men, farted like +men, but stunk like devils; slept, billed, and trod their females like men, +but somewhat oftener: in short, had you seen and examined them from top to +toe, you would have laid your head to a turnip that they had been mere men. +However, they were nothing less, as Master Aedituus told us; assuring us, +at the same time, that they were neither secular nor laic; and the truth +is, the diversity of their feathers and plumes did not a little puzzle us. + +Some of them were all over as white as swans, others as black as crows, +many as grey as owls, others black and white like magpies, some all red +like red-birds, and others purple and white like some pigeons. He called +the males clerg-hawks, monk-hawks, priest-hawks, abbot-hawks, bish-hawks, +cardin-hawks, and one pope-hawk, who is a species by himself. He called +the females clerg-kites, nun-kites, priest-kites, abbess-kites, bish-kites, +cardin-kites, and pope-kites. + +However, said he, as hornets and drones will get among the bees, and there +do nothing but buzz, eat, and spoil everything; so, for these last three +hundred years, a vast swarm of bigottelloes flocked, I do not know how, +among these goodly birds every fifth full moon, and have bemuted, berayed, +and conskited the whole island. They are so hard-favoured and monstrous +that none can abide them. For their wry necks make a figure like a crooked +billet; their paws are hairy, like those of rough-footed pigeons; their +claws and pounces, belly and breech, like those of the Stymphalid harpies. +Nor is it possible to root them out, for if you get rid of one, straight +four-and-twenty new ones fly thither. + +There had been need of another monster-hunter such as was Hercules; for +Friar John had like to have run distracted about it, so much he was nettled +and puzzled in the matter. As for the good Pantagruel, he was even served +as was Messer Priapus, contemplating the sacrifices of Ceres, for want of +skin. + + + +Chapter 5.III. + +How there is but one pope-hawk in the Ringing Island. + +We then asked Master Aedituus why there was but one pope-hawk among such +venerable birds multiplied in all their species. He answered that such was +the first institution and fatal destiny of the stars that the clerg-hawks +begot the priest-hawks and monk-hawks without carnal copulation, as some +bees are born of a young bull; the priest-hawks begat the bish-hawks, the +bish-hawks the stately cardin-hawks, and the stately cardin-hawks, if they +live long enough, at last come to be pope-hawk. + +Of this last kind there never is more than one at a time, as in a beehive +there is but one king, and in the world is but one sun. + +When the pope-hawk dies, another arises in his stead out of the whole brood +of cardin-hawks, that is, as you must understand it all along, without +carnal copulation. So that there is in that species an individual unity, +with a perpetuity of succession, neither more or less than in the Arabian +phoenix. + +'Tis true that, about two thousand seven hundred and sixty moons ago, two +pope-hawks were seen upon the face of the earth; but then you never saw in +your lives such a woeful rout and hurly-burly as was all over this island. +For all these same birds did so peck, clapperclaw, and maul one another all +that time, that there was the devil and all to do, and the island was in a +fair way of being left without inhabitants. Some stood up for this +pope-hawk, some for t'other. Some, struck with a dumbness, were as mute as +so many fishes; the devil a note was to be got out of them; part of the +merry bells here were as silent as if they had lost their tongues, I mean +their clappers. + +During these troublesome times they called to their assistance the +emperors, kings, dukes, earls, barons, and commonwealths of the world that +live on t'other side the water; nor was this schism and sedition at an end +till one of them died, and the plurality was reduced to a unity. + +We then asked what moved those birds to be thus continually chanting and +singing. He answered that it was the bells that hung on the top of their +cages. Then he said to us, Will you have me make these monk-hawks whom you +see bardocuculated with a bag such as you use to still brandy, sing like +any woodlarks? Pray do, said we. He then gave half-a-dozen pulls to a +little rope, which caused a diminutive bell to give so many ting-tangs; and +presently a parcel of monk-hawks ran to him as if the devil had drove 'em, +and fell a-singing like mad. + +Pray, master, cried Panurge, if I also rang this bell could I make those +other birds yonder, with red-herring-coloured feathers, sing? Ay, marry +would you, returned Aedituus. With this Panurge hanged himself (by the +hands, I mean) at the bell-rope's end, and no sooner made it speak but +those smoked birds hied them thither and began to lift up their voices and +make a sort of untowardly hoarse noise, which I grudge to call singing. +Aedituus indeed told us that they fed on nothing but fish, like the herns +and cormorants of the world, and that they were a fifth kind of cucullati +newly stamped. + +He added that he had been told by Robert Valbringue, who lately passed that +way in his return from Africa, that a sixth kind was to fly hither out of +hand, which he called capus-hawks, more grum, vinegar-faced, brain-sick, +froward, and loathsome than any kind whatsoever in the whole island. +Africa, said Pantagruel, still uses to produce some new and monstrous +thing. + + + +Chapter 5.IV. + +How the birds of the Ringing Island were all passengers. + +Since you have told us, said Pantagruel, how the pope-hawk is begot by the +cardin-hawks, the cardin-hawks by the bish-hawks, and the bish-hawks by the +priest-hawks, and the priest-hawks by the clerg-hawks, I would gladly know +whence you have these same clerg-hawks. They are all of them passengers, +or travelling birds, returned Aedituus, and come hither from t'other world; +part out of a vast country called Want-o'-bread, the rest out of another +toward the west, which they style Too-many-of-'em. From these two +countries flock hither, every year, whole legions of these clerg-hawks, +leaving their fathers, mothers, friends, and relations. + +This happens when there are too many children, whether male or female, in +some good family of the latter country; insomuch that the house would come +to nothing if the paternal estate were shared among them all (as reason +requires, nature directs, and God commands). For this cause parents use to +rid themselves of that inconveniency by packing off the younger fry, and +forcing them to seek their fortune in this isle Bossart (Crooked Island). +I suppose he means L'Isle Bouchart, near Chinon, cried Panurge. No, +replied t'other, I mean Bossart (Crooked), for there is not one in ten +among them but is either crooked, crippled, blinking, limping, +ill-favoured, deformed, or an unprofitable load to the earth. + +'Twas quite otherwise among the heathens, said Pantagruel, when they used +to receive a maiden among the number of vestals; for Leo Antistius affirms +that it was absolutely forbidden to admit a virgin into that order if she +had any vice in her soul or defect in her body, though it were but the +smallest spot on any part of it. I can hardly believe, continued Aedituus, +that their dams on t'other side the water go nine months with them; for +they cannot endure them nine years, nay, scarce seven sometimes, in the +house, but by putting only a shirt over the other clothes of the young +urchins, and lopping off I don't well know how many hairs from their +crowns, mumbling certain apostrophized and expiatory words, they visibly, +openly, and plainly, by a Pythagorical metempsychosis, without the least +hurt, transmogrify them into such birds as you now see; much after the +fashion of the Egyptian heathens, who used to constitute their isiacs by +shaving them and making them put on certain linostoles, or surplices. +However, I don't know, my good friends, but that these she-things, whether +clerg-kites, monk-kites, and abbess-kites, instead of singing pleasant +verses and charisteres, such as used to be sung to Oromasis by Zoroaster's +institution, may be bellowing out such catarates and scythropys (cursed +lamentable and wretched imprecations) as were usually offered to the +Arimanian demon; being thus in devotion for their kind friends and +relations that transformed them into birds, whether when they were maids, +or thornbacks, in their prime, or at their last prayers. + +But the greatest numbers of our birds came out of Want-o'-bread, which, +though a barren country, where the days are of a most tedious lingering +length, overstocks this whole island with the lower class of birds. For +hither fly the asapheis that inhabit that land, either when they are in +danger of passing their time scurvily for want of belly-timber, being +unable, or, what's more likely, unwilling to take heart of grace and follow +some honest lawful calling, or too proud-hearted and lazy to go to service +in some sober family. The same is done by your frantic inamoradoes, who, +when crossed in their wild desires, grow stark staring mad, and choose this +life suggested to them by their despair, too cowardly to make them swing, +like their brother Iphis of doleful memory. There is another sort, that +is, your gaol-birds, who, having done some rogue's trick or other heinous +villainy, and being sought up and down to be trussed up and made to ride +the two or three-legged mare that groans for them, warily scour off and +come here to save their bacon; because all these sorts of birds are here +provided for, and grow in an instant as fat as hogs, though they came as +lean as rakes; for having the benefit of the clergy, they are as safe as +thieves in a mill within this sanctuary. + +But, asked Pantagruel, do these birds never return to the world where they +were hatched? Some do, answered Aedituus; formerly very few, very seldom, +very late, and very unwillingly; however, since some certain eclipses, by +the virtue of the celestial constellations, a great crowd of them fled back +to the world. Nor do we fret or vex ourselves a jot about it; for those +that stay wisely sing, The fewer the better cheer; and all those that fly +away, first cast off their feathers here among these nettles and briars. + +Accordingly we found some thrown by there; and as we looked up and down, we +chanced to light on what some people will hardly thank us for having +discovered; and thereby hangs a tale. + + + +Chapter 5.V. + +Of the dumb Knight-hawks of the Ringing Island. + +These words were scarce out of his mouth when some five-and-twenty or +thirty birds flew towards us; they were of a hue and feather like which we +had not seen anything in the whole island. Their plumes were as changeable +as the skin of the chameleon, and the flower of tripolion, or teucrion. +They had all under the left wing a mark like two diameters dividing a +circle into equal parts, or, if you had rather have it so, like a +perpendicular line falling on a right line. The marks which each of them +bore were much of the same shape, but of different colours; for some were +white, others green, some red, others purple, and some blue. Who are +those? asked Panurge; and how do you call them? They are mongrels, quoth +Aedituus. + +We call them knight-hawks, and they have a great number of rich +commanderies (fat livings) in your world. Good your worship, said I, make +them give us a song, an't please you, that we may know how they sing. They +scorn your words, cried Aedituus; they are none of your singing-birds; but, +to make amends, they feed as much as the best two of them all. Pray where +are their hens? where are their females? said I. They have none, answered +Aedituus. How comes it to pass then, asked Panurge, that they are thus +bescabbed, bescurfed, all embroidered o'er the phiz with carbuncles, +pushes, and pock-royals, some of which undermine the handles of their +faces? This same fashionable and illustrious disease, quoth Aedituus, is +common among that kind of birds, because they are pretty apt to be tossed +on the salt deep. + +He then acquainted us with the occasion of their coming. This next to us, +said he, looks so wistfully upon you to see whether he may not find among +your company a stately gaudy kind of huge dreadful birds of prey, which yet +are so untoward that they ne'er could be brought to the lure nor to perch +on the glove. They tell us that there are such in your world, and that +some of them have goodly garters below the knee with an inscription about +them which condemns him (qui mal y pense) who shall think ill of it to be +berayed and conskited. Others are said to wear the devil in a string +before their paunches; and others a ram's skin. All that's true enough, +good Master Aedituus, quoth Panurge; but we have not the honour to be +acquainted with their knightships. + +Come on, cried Aedituus in a merry mood, we have had chat enough o' +conscience! let's e'en go drink. And eat, quoth Panurge. Eat, replied +Aedituus, and drink bravely, old boy; twist like plough-jobbers and swill +like tinkers. Pull away and save tide, for nothing is so dear and precious +as time; therefore we will be sure to put it to a good use. + +He would fain have carried us first to bathe in the bagnios of the +cardin-hawks, which are goodly delicious places, and have us licked over +with precious ointments by the alyptes, alias rubbers, as soon as we should +come out of the bath. But Pantagruel told him that he could drink but too +much without that. He then led us into a spacious delicate refectory, or +fratery-room, and told us: Braguibus the hermit made you fast four days +together; now, contrariwise, I'll make you eat and drink of the best four +days through stitch before you budge from this place. But hark ye me, cried +Panurge, may not we take a nap in the mean time? Ay, ay, answered Aedituus; +that is as you shall think good; for he that sleeps, drinks. Good Lord! how +we lived! what good bub! what dainty cheer! O what a honest cod was this +same Aedituus! + + + +Chapter 5.VI. + +How the birds are crammed in the Ringing Island. + +Pantagruel looked I don't know howish, and seemed not very well pleased +with the four days' junketting which Aedituus enjoined us. Aedituus, who +soon found it out, said to him, You know, sir, that seven days before +winter, and seven days after, there is no storm at sea; for then the +elements are still out of respect for the halcyons, or king-fishers, birds +sacred to Thetis, which then lay their eggs and hatch their young near the +shore. Now here the sea makes itself amends for this long calm; and +whenever any foreigners come hither it grows boisterous and stormy for four +days together. We can give no other reason for it but that it is a piece +of its civility, that those who come among us may stay whether they will or +no, and be copiously feasted all the while with the incomes of the ringing. +Therefore pray don't think your time lost; for, willing, nilling, you'll be +forced to stay, unless you are resolved to encounter Juno, Neptune, Doris, +Aeolus, and his fluster-busters, and, in short, all the pack of ill-natured +left-handed godlings and vejoves. Do but resolve to be cheery, and fall-to +briskly. + +After we had pretty well stayed our stomachs with some tight snatches, +Friar John said to Aedituus, For aught I see, you have none but a parcel of +birds and cages in this island of yours, and the devil a bit of one of them +all that sets his hand to the plough, or tills the land whose fat he +devours; their whole business is to be frolic, to chirp it, to whistle it, +to warble it, tossing it, and roar it merrily night and day. Pray then, if +I may be so bold, whence comes this plenty and overflowing of all dainty +bits and good things which we see among you? From all the other world, +returned Aedituus, if you except some part of the northern regions, who of +late years have stirred up the jakes. Mum! they may chance ere long to rue +the day they did so; their cows shall have porridge, and their dogs oats; +there will be work made among them, that there will. Come, a fig for't, +let's drink. But pray what countrymen are you? Touraine is our country, +answered Panurge. Cod so, cried Aedituus, you were not then hatched of an +ill bird, I will say that for you, since the blessed Touraine is your +mother; for from thence there comes hither every year such a vast store of +good things, that we were told by some folks of the place that happened to +touch at this island, that your Duke of Touraine's income will not afford +him to eat his bellyful of beans and bacon (a good dish spoiled between +Moses and Pythagoras) because his predecessors have been more than liberal +to these most holy birds of ours, that we might here munch it, twist it, +cram it, gorge it, craw it, riot it, junket it, and tickle it off, stuffing +our puddings with dainty pheasants, partridges, pullets with eggs, fat +capons of Loudunois, and all sorts of venison and wild fowl. Come, box it +about; tope on, my friends. Pray do you see yon jolly birds that are +perched together, how fat, how plump, and in good case they look, with the +income that Touraine yields us! And in faith they sing rarely for their +good founders, that is the truth on't. You never saw any Arcadian birds +mumble more fairly than they do over a dish when they see these two gilt +batons, or when I ring for them those great bells that you see above their +cages. Drink on, sirs, whip it away. Verily, friends, 'tis very fine +drinking to-day, and so 'tis every day o' the week; then drink on, toss it +about, here's to you with all my soul. You are most heartily welcome; +never spare it, I pray you; fear not we should ever want good bub and +belly-timber; for, look here, though the sky were of brass, and the earth +of iron, we should not want wherewithal to stuff the gut, though they were +to continue so seven or eight years longer than the famine in Egypt. Let +us then, with brotherly love and charity, refresh ourselves here with the +creature. + +Woons, man, cried Panurge, what a rare time you have on't in this world! +Psha, returned Aedituus, this is nothing to what we shall have in t'other; +the Elysian fields will be the least that can fall to our lot. Come, in +the meantime let us drink here; come, here's to thee, old fuddlecap. + +Your first Siticines, said I, were superlatively wise in devising thus a +means for you to compass whatever all men naturally covet so much, and so +few, or, to speak more properly, none can enjoy together--I mean, a +paradise in this life, and another in the next. Sure you were born wrapt +in your mother's smickets! O happy creatures! O more than men! Would I +had the luck to fare like you! (Motteux inserts Chapter XVI. after Chapter +VI.) + + + +Chapter 5.VII. + +How Panurge related to Master Aedituus the fable of the horse and the ass. + +When we had crammed and crammed again, Aedituus took us into a chamber that +was well furnished, hung with tapestry, and finely gilt. Thither he caused +to be brought store of mirobolans, cashou, green ginger preserved, with +plenty of hippocras, and delicious wine. With those antidotes, that were +like a sweet Lethe, he invited us to forget the hardships of our voyage; +and at the same time he sent plenty of provisions on board our ship that +rid in the harbour. After this, we e'en jogged to bed for that night; but +the devil a bit poor pilgarlic could sleep one wink--the everlasting +jingle-jangle of the bells kept me awake whether I would or no. + +About midnight Aedituus came to wake us that we might drink. He himself +showed us the way, saying: You men of t'other world say that ignorance is +the mother of all evil, and so far you are right; yet for all that you do +not take the least care to get rid of it, but still plod on, and live in +it, with it, and by it; for which a plaguy deal of mischief lights on you +every day, and you are right enough served--you are perpetually ailing +somewhat, making a moan, and never right. It is what I was ruminating upon +just now. And, indeed, ignorance keeps you here fastened in bed, just as +that bully-rock Mars was detained by Vulcan's art; for all the while you do +not mind that you ought to spare some of your rest, and be as lavish as you +can of the goods of this famous island. Come, come, you should have eaten +three breakfasts already; and take this from me for a certain truth, that +if you would consume the mouth-ammunition of this island, you must rise +betimes; eat them, they multiply; spare them, they diminish. + +For example, mow a field in due season, and the grass will grow thicker and +better; don't mow it, and in a short time 'twill be floored with moss. +Let's drink, and drink again, my friends; come, let's all carouse it. The +leanest of our birds are now singing to us all; we'll drink to them, if you +please. Let's take off one, two, three, nine bumpers. Non zelus, sed +caritas. + +When day, peeping in the east, made the sky turn from black to red like a +boiling lobster, he waked us again to take a dish of monastical brewis. +From that time we made but one meal, that only lasted the whole day; so +that I cannot well tell how I may call it, whether dinner, supper, +nunchion, or after-supper; only, to get a stomach, we took a turn or two in +the island, to see and hear the blessed singing-birds. + +At night Panurge said to Aedituus: Give me leave, sweet sir, to tell you a +merry story of something that happened some three and twenty moons ago in +the country of Chastelleraud. + +One day in April, a certain gentleman's groom, Roger by name, was walking +his master's horses in some fallow ground. There 'twas his good fortune to +find a pretty shepherdess feeding her bleating sheep and harmless lambkins +on the brow of a neighbouring mountain, in the shade of an adjacent grove; +near her, some frisking kids tripped it over a green carpet of nature's own +spreading, and, to complete the landscape, there stood an ass. Roger, who +was a wag, had a dish of chat with her, and after some ifs, ands, and buts, +hems and heighs on her side, got her in the mind to get up behind him, to +go and see his stable, and there take a bit by the bye in a civil way. +While they were holding a parley, the horse, directing his discourse to the +ass (for all brute beasts spoke that year in divers places), whispered +these words in his ear: Poor ass, how I pity thee! thou slavest like any +hack, I read it on thy crupper. Thou dost well, however, since God has +created thee to serve mankind; thou art a very honest ass, but not to be +better rubbed down, currycombed, trapped, and fed than thou art, seems to +me indeed to be too hard a lot. Alas! thou art all rough-coated, in ill +plight, jaded, foundered, crestfallen, and drooping, like a mooting duck, +and feedest here on nothing but coarse grass, or briars and thistles. +Therefore do but pace it along with me, and thou shalt see how we noble +steeds, made by nature for war, are treated. Come, thou'lt lose nothing by +coming; I'll get thee a taste of my fare. I' troth, sir, I can but love +you and thank you, returned the ass; I'll wait on you, good Mr. Steed. +Methinks, gaffer ass, you might as well have said Sir Grandpaw Steed. O! +cry mercy, good Sir Grandpaw, returned the ass; we country clowns are +somewhat gross, and apt to knock words out of joint. However, an't please +you, I will come after your worship at some distance, lest for taking this +run my side should chance to be firked and curried with a vengeance, as it +is but too often, the more is my sorrow. + +The shepherdess being got behind Roger, the ass followed, fully resolved to +bait like a prince with Roger's steed; but when they got to the stable, the +groom, who spied the grave animal, ordered one of his underlings to welcome +him with a pitchfork and currycomb him with a cudgel. The ass, who heard +this, recommended himself mentally to the god Neptune, and was packing off, +thinking and syllogizing within himself thus: Had not I been an ass, I had +not come here among great lords, when I must needs be sensible that I was +only made for the use of the small vulgar. Aesop had given me a fair +warning of this in one of his fables. Well, I must e'en scamper or take +what follows. With this he fell a-trotting, and wincing, and yerking, and +calcitrating, alias kicking, and farting, and funking, and curvetting, and +bounding, and springing, and galloping full drive, as if the devil had come +for him in propria persona. + +The shepherdess, who saw her ass scour off, told Roger that it was her +cattle, and desired he might be kindly used, or else she would not stir her +foot over the threshold. Friend Roger no sooner knew this but he ordered +him to be fetched in, and that my master's horses should rather chop straw +for a week together than my mistress's beast should want his bellyful of +corn. + +The most difficult point was to get him back; for in vain the youngsters +complimented and coaxed him to come. I dare not, said the ass; I am +bashful. And the more they strove by fair means to bring him with them, +the more the stubborn thing was untoward, and flew out at the heels; +insomuch that they might have been there to this hour, had not his mistress +advised them to toss oats in a sieve or in a blanket, and call him; which +was done, and made him wheel about and say, Oats, with a witness! oats +shall go to pot. Adveniat; oats will do, there's evidence in the case; but +none of the rubbing down, none of the firking. Thus melodiously singing +(for, as you know, that Arcadian bird's note is very harmonious) he came to +the young gentleman of the horse, alias black garb, who brought him to the +stable. + +When he was there, they placed him next to the great horse his friend, +rubbed him down, currycombed him, laid clean straw under him up to the +chin, and there he lay at rack and manger, the first stuffed with sweet +hay, the latter with oats; which when the horse's valet-dear-chambre +sifted, he clapped down his lugs, to tell them by signs that he could eat +it but too well without sifting, and that he did not deserve so great an +honour. + +When they had well fed, quoth the horse to the ass; Well, poor ass, how is +it with thee now? How dost thou like this fare? Thou wert so nice at +first, a body had much ado to get thee hither. By the fig, answered the +ass, which, one of our ancestors eating, Philemon died laughing, this is +all sheer ambrosia, good Sir Grandpaw; but what would you have an ass say? +Methinks all this is yet but half cheer. Don't your worships here now and +then use to take a leap? What leaping dost thou mean? asked the horse; the +devil leap thee! dost thou take me for an ass? In troth, Sir Grandpaw, +quoth the ass, I am somewhat of a blockhead, you know, and cannot, for the +heart's blood of me, learn so fast the court way of speaking of you +gentlemen horses; I mean, don't you stallionize it sometimes here among +your mettled fillies? Tush, whispered the horse, speak lower; for, by +Bucephalus, if the grooms but hear thee they will maul and belam thee +thrice and threefold, so that thou wilt have but little stomach to a +leaping bout. Cod so, man, we dare not so much as grow stiff at the tip of +the lowermost snout, though it were but to leak or so, for fear of being +jerked and paid out of our lechery. As for anything else, we are as happy +as our master, and perhaps more. By this packsaddle, my old acquaintance, +quoth the ass, I have done with you; a fart for thy litter and hay, and a +fart for thy oats; give me the thistles of our fields, since there we leap +when we list. Eat less, and leap more, I say; it is meat, drink, and cloth +to us. Ah! friend Grandpaw, it would do thy heart good to see us at a +fair, when we hold our provincial chapter! Oh! how we leap it, while our +mistresses are selling their goslings and other poultry! With this they +parted. Dixi; I have done. + +Panurge then held his peace. Pantagruel would have had him to have gone on +to the end of the chapter; but Aedituus said, A word to the wise is enough; +I can pick out the meaning of that fable, and know who is that ass, and who +the horse; but you are a bashful youth, I perceive. Well, know that +there's nothing for you here; scatter no words. Yet, returned Panurge, I +saw but even now a pretty kind of a cooing abbess-kite as white as a dove, +and her I had rather ride than lead. May I never stir if she is not a +dainty bit, and very well worth a sin or two. Heaven forgive me! I meant +no more harm in it than you; may the harm I meant in it befall me +presently. + + + +Chapter 5.VIII. + +How with much ado we got a sight of the pope-hawk. + +Our junketting and banqueting held on at the same rate the third day as the +two former. Pantagruel then earnestly desired to see the pope-hawk; but +Aedituus told him it was not such an easy matter to get a sight of him. +How, asked Pantagruel, has he Plato's helmet on his crown, Gyges's ring on +his pounces, or a chameleon on his breast, to make him invisible when he +pleases? No, sir, returned Aedituus; but he is naturally of pretty +difficult access. However, I'll see and take care that you may see him, if +possible. With this he left us piddling; then within a quarter of an hour +came back, and told us the pope-hawk is now to be seen. So he led us, +without the least noise, directly to the cage wherein he sat drooping, with +his feathers staring about him, attended by a brace of little cardin-hawks +and six lusty fusty bish-hawks. + +Panurge stared at him like a dead pig, examining exactly his figure, size, +and motions. Then with a loud voice he said, A curse light on the hatcher +of the ill bird; o' my word, this is a filthy whoop-hooper. Tush, speak +softly, said Aedituus; by G--, he has a pair of ears, as formerly Michael +de Matiscones remarked. What then? returned Panurge; so hath a whoopcat. +So, said Aedituus; if he but hear you speak such another blasphemous word, +you had as good be damned. Do you see that basin yonder in his cage? Out +of it shall sally thunderbolts and lightnings, storms, bulls, and the devil +and all, that will sink you down to Peg Trantum's, an hundred fathom under +ground. It were better to drink and be merry, quoth Friar John. + +Panurge was still feeding his eyes with the sight of the pope-hawk and his +attendants, when somewhere under his cage he perceived a madge-howlet. +With this he cried out, By the devil's maker, master, there's roguery in +the case; they put tricks upon travellers here more than anywhere else, and +would make us believe that a t--d's a sugarloaf. What damned cozening, +gulling, and coney-catching have we here! Do you see this madge-howlet? +By Minerva, we are all beshit. Odsoons, said Aedituus, speak softly, I +tell you. It is no madge-howlet, no she-thing on my honest word; but a +male, and a noble bird. + +May we not hear the pope-hawk sing? asked Pantagruel. I dare not promise +that, returned Aedituus; for he only sings and eats at his own hours. So +don't I, quoth Panurge; poor pilgarlic is fain to make everybody's time his +own; if they have time, I find time. Come, then, let us go drink, if you +will. Now this is something like a tansy, said Aedituus; you begin to talk +somewhat like; still speak in that fashion, and I'll secure you from being +thought a heretic. Come on, I am of your mind. + +As we went back to have t'other fuddling bout, we spied an old green-headed +bish-hawk, who sat moping with his mate and three jolly bittern attendants, +all snoring under an arbour. Near the old cuff stood a buxom abbess-kite +that sung like any linnet; and we were so mightily tickled with her singing +that I vow and swear we could have wished all our members but one turned +into ears, to have had more of the melody. Quoth Panurge, This pretty +cherubim of cherubims is here breaking her head with chanting to this huge, +fat, ugly face, who lies grunting all the while like a hog as he is. I +will make him change his note presently, in the devil's name. With this he +rang a bell that hung over the bish-hawk's head; but though he rang and +rang again, the devil a bit bish-hawk would hear; the louder the sound, the +louder his snoring. There was no making him sing. By G--, quoth Panurge, +you old buzzard, if you won't sing by fair means, you shall by foul. +Having said this, he took up one of St. Stephen's loaves, alias a stone, +and was going to hit him with it about the middle. But Aedituus cried to +him, Hold, hold, honest friend! strike, wound, poison, kill, and murder all +the kings and princes in the world, by treachery or how thou wilt, and as +soon as thou wouldst unnestle the angels from their cockloft. Pope-hawk +will pardon thee all this. But never be so mad as to meddle with these +sacred birds, as much as thou lovest the profit, welfare, and life not only +of thyself, and thy friends and relations alive or dead, but also of those +that may be born hereafter to the thousandth generation; for so long thou +wouldst entail misery upon them. Do but look upon that basin. Catso! let +us rather drink, then, quoth Panurge. He that spoke last, spoke well, Mr. +Antitus, quoth Friar John; while we are looking on these devilish birds we +do nothing but blaspheme; and while we are taking a cup we do nothing but +praise God. Come on, then, let's go drink; how well that word sounds! + +The third day (after we had drank, as you must understand) Aedituus +dismissed us. We made him a present of a pretty little Perguois knife, +which he took more kindly than Artaxerxes did the cup of cold water that +was given him by a clown. He most courteously thanked us, and sent all +sorts of provisions aboard our ships, wished us a prosperous voyage and +success in our undertakings, and made us promise and swear by Jupiter of +stone to come back by his territories. Finally he said to us, Friends, +pray note that there are many more stones in the world than men; take care +you don't forget it. + + + +Chapter 5.IX. + +How we arrived at the island of Tools. + + +Having well ballasted the holds of our human vessels, we weighed anchor, +hoised up sail, stowed the boats, set the land, and stood for the offing +with a fair loom gale, and for more haste unpareled the mizen-yard, and +launched it and the sail over the lee-quarter, and fitted gyves to keep it +steady, and boomed it out; so in three days we made the island of Tools, +that is altogether uninhabited. We saw there a great number of trees which +bore mattocks, pickaxes, crows, weeding-hooks, scythes, sickles, spades, +trowels, hatchets, hedging-bills, saws, adzes, bills, axes, shears, +pincers, bolts, piercers, augers, and wimbles. + +Others bore dags, daggers, poniards, bayonets, square-bladed tucks, +stilettoes, poniardoes, skeans, penknives, puncheons, bodkins, swords, +rapiers, back-swords, cutlasses, scimitars, hangers, falchions, glaives, +raillons, whittles, and whinyards. + +Whoever would have any of these needed but to shake the tree, and +immediately they dropped down as thick as hops, like so many ripe plums; +nay, what's more, they fell on a kind of grass called scabbard, and +sheathed themselves in it cleverly. But when they came down, there was +need of taking care lest they happened to touch the head, feet, or other +parts of the body. For they fell with the point downwards, and in they +stuck, or slit the continuum of some member, or lopped it off like a twig; +either of which generally was enough to have killed a man, though he were a +hundred years old, and worth as many thousand spankers, spur-royals, and +rose-nobles. + +Under some other trees, whose names I cannot justly tell you, I saw some +certain sorts of weeds that grew and sprouted like pikes, lances, javelins, +javelots, darts, dartlets, halberds, boar-spears, eel-spears, partizans, +tridents, prongs, trout-staves, spears, half-pikes, and hunting-staves. As +they sprouted up and chanced to touch the tree, straight they met with +their heads, points, and blades, each suitable to its kind, made ready for +them by the trees over them, as soon as every individual wood was grown up, +fit for its steel; even like the children's coats, that are made for them +as soon as they can wear them and you wean them of their swaddling clothes. +Nor do you mutter, I pray you, at what Plato, Anaxagoras, and Democritus +have said. Ods-fish! they were none of your lower-form gimcracks, were +they? + +Those trees seemed to us terrestrial animals, in no wise so different from +brute beasts as not to have skin, fat, flesh, veins, arteries, ligaments, +nerves, cartilages, kernels, bones, marrow, humours, matrices, brains, and +articulations; for they certainly have some, since Theophrastus will have +it so. But in this point they differed from other animals, that their +heads, that is, the part of their trunks next to the root, are downwards; +their hair, that is, their roots, in the earth; and their feet, that is, +their branches, upside down; as if a man should stand on his head with +outstretched legs. And as you, battered sinners, on whom Venus has +bestowed something to remember her, feel the approach of rains, winds, +cold, and every change of weather, at your ischiatic legs and your +omoplates, by means of the perpetual almanack which she has fixed there; so +these trees have notice given them, by certain sensations which they have +at their roots, stocks, gums, paps, or marrow, of the growth of the staves +under them, and accordingly they prepare suitable points and blades for +them beforehand. Yet as all things, except God, are sometimes subject to +error, nature itself not free from it when it produceth monstrous things, +likewise I observed something amiss in these trees. For a half-pike that +grew up high enough to reach the branches of one of these instrumentiferous +trees, happened no sooner to touch them but, instead of being joined to an +iron head, it impaled a stubbed broom at the fundament. Well, no matter, +'twill serve to sweep the chimney. Thus a partizan met with a pair of +garden shears. Come, all's good for something; 'twill serve to nip off +little twigs and destroy caterpillars. The staff of a halberd got the +blade of a scythe, which made it look like a hermaphrodite. +Happy-be-lucky, 'tis all a case; 'twill serve for some mower. Oh, 'tis a +great blessing to put our trust in the Lord! As we went back to our ships I +spied behind I don't know what bush, I don't know what folks, doing I don't +know what business, in I don't know what posture, scouring I don't know what +tools, in I don't know what manner, and I don't know what place. + + + +Chapter 5.X. + +How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Sharping. + +We left the island of Tools to pursue our voyage, and the next day stood in +for the island of Sharping, the true image of Fontainebleau, for the land +is so very lean that the bones, that is, the rocks, shoot through its skin. +Besides, 'tis sandy, barren, unhealthy, and unpleasant. Our pilot showed +us there two little square rocks which had eight equal points in the shape +of a cube. They were so white that I might have mistaken them for +alabaster or snow, had he not assured us they were made of bone. + +He told us that twenty chance devils very much feared in our country dwelt +there in six different storeys, and that the biggest twins or braces of +them were called sixes, and the smallest ambs-ace; the rest cinques, +quatres, treys, and deuces. When they were conjured up, otherwise coupled, +they were called either sice cinque, sice quatre, sice trey, sice deuce, +and sice ace; or cinque quatre, cinque trey, and so forth. I made there a +shrewd observation. Would you know what 'tis, gamesters? 'Tis that there +are very few of you in the world but what call upon and invoke the devils. +For the dice are no sooner thrown on the board, and the greedy gazing +sparks have hardly said, Two sixes, Frank; but Six devils damn it! cry as +many of them. If ambs-ace; then, A brace of devils broil me! will they +say. Quatre-deuce, Tom; The deuce take it! cries another. And so on to +the end of the chapter. Nay, they don't forget sometimes to call the black +cloven-footed gentlemen by their Christian names and surnames; and what is +stranger yet, they use them as their greatest cronies, and make them so +often the executors of their wills, not only giving themselves, but +everybody and everything, to the devil, that there's no doubt but he takes +care to seize, soon or late, what's so zealously bequeathed him. Indeed, +'tis true Lucifer does not always immediately appear by his lawful +attorneys; but, alas! 'tis not for want of goodwill; he is really to be +excused for his delay; for what the devil would you have a devil do? He +and his black guards are then at some other places, according to the +priority of the persons that call on them; therefore, pray let none be so +venturesome as to think that the devils are deaf and blind. + +He then told us that more wrecks had happened about those square rocks, and +a greater loss of body and goods, than about all the Syrtes, Scyllas and +Charybdes, Sirens, Strophades, and gulfs in the universe. I had not much +ado to believe it, remembering that formerly, among the wise Egyptians, +Neptune was described in hieroglyphics for the first cube, Apollo by an +ace, Diana by a deuce, Minerva by seven, and so forth. + +He also told us that there was a phial of sanc-greal, a most divine thing, +and known to a few. Panurge did so sweeten up the syndics of the place +that they blessed us with the sight of 't; but it was with three times more +pother and ado, with more formalities and antic tricks, than they show the +pandects of Justinian at Florence, or the holy Veronica at Rome. I never +saw such a sight of flambeaux, torches, and hagios, sanctified tapers, +rush-lights, and farthing candles in my whole life. After all, that which +was shown us was only the ill-faced countenance of a roasted coney. + +All that we saw there worth speaking of was a good face set upon an ill +game, and the shells of the two eggs formerly laid up and hatched by Leda, +out of which came Castor and Pollux, fair Helen's brothers. These same +syndics sold us a piece of 'em for a song, I mean, for a morsel of bread. +Before we went we bought a parcel of hats and caps of the manufacture of +the place, which, I fear, will turn to no very good account; nor are those +who shall take 'em off our hands more likely to commend their wearing. + + + +Chapter 5.XI. + +How we passed through the wicket inhabited by Gripe-men-all, Archduke of +the Furred Law-cats. + +From thence Condemnation was passed by us. 'Tis another damned barren +island, whereat none for the world cared to touch. Then we went through +the wicket; but Pantagruel had no mind to bear us company, and 'twas well +he did not, for we were nabbed there, and clapped into lob's-pound by order +of Gripe-men-all, Archduke of the Furred Law-cats, because one of our +company would ha' put upon a sergeant some hats of the Sharping Island. + +The Furred Law-cats are most terrible and dreadful monsters, they devour +little children, and trample over marble stones. Pray tell me, noble +topers, do they not deserve to have their snouts slit? The hair of their +hides doesn't lie outward, but inwards, and every mother's son of 'em for +his device wears a gaping pouch, but not all in the same manner; for some +wear it tied to their neck scarfwise, others upon the breech, some on the +paunch, others on the side, and all for a cause, with reason and mystery. +They have claws so very strong, long, and sharp that nothing can get from +'em that is once fast between their clutches. Sometimes they cover their +heads with mortar-like caps, at other times with mortified caparisons. + +As we entered their den, said a common mumper, to whom we had given half a +teston, Worshipful culprits, God send you a good deliverance! Examine +well, said he, the countenance of these stout props and pillars of this +catch-coin law and iniquity; and pray observe, that if you still live but +six olympiads, and the age of two dogs more, you'll see these Furred +Law-cats lords of all Europe, and in peaceful possession of all the estates +and dominions belonging to it; unless, by divine providence, what's got over +the devil's back is spent under his belly, or the goods which they unjustly +get perish with their prodigal heirs. Take this from an honest beggar. + +Among 'em reigns the sixth essence; by the means of which they gripe all, +devour all, conskite all, burn all, draw all, hang all, quarter all, behead +all, murder all, imprison all, waste all, and ruin all, without the least +notice of right or wrong; for among them vice is called virtue; wickedness, +piety; treason, loyalty; robbery, justice. Plunder is their motto, and +when acted by them is approved by all men, except the heretics; and all +this they do because they dare; their authority is sovereign and +irrefragable. For a sign of the truth of what I tell you, you'll find that +there the mangers are above the racks. Remember hereafter that a fool told +you this; and if ever plague, famine, war, fire, earthquakes, inundations, +or other judgments befall the world, do not attribute 'em to the aspects +and conjunctions of the malevolent planets; to the abuses of the court of +Romania, or the tyranny of secular kings and princes; to the impostures of +the false zealots of the cowl, heretical bigots, false prophets, and +broachers of sects; to the villainy of griping usurers, clippers, and +coiners; or to the ignorance, impudence, and imprudence of physicians, +surgeons, and apothecaries; nor to the lewdness of adulteresses and +destroyers of by-blows; but charge them all, wholly and solely, to the +inexpressible, incredible, and inestimable wickedness and ruin which is +continually hatched, brewed, and practised in the den or shop of those +Furred Law-cats. Yet 'tis no more known in the world than the cabala of +the Jews, the more's the pity; and therefore 'tis not detested, chastised, +and punished as 'tis fit it should be. But should all their villainy be +once displayed in its true colours and exposed to the people, there never +was, is, nor will be any spokesman so sweet-mouthed, whose fine colloguing +tongue could save 'em; nor any law so rigorous and draconic that could +punish 'em as they deserve; nor yet any magistrate so powerful as to hinder +their being burnt alive in their coneyburrows without mercy. Even their +own furred kittlings, friends, and relations would abominate 'em. + +For this reason, as Hannibal was solemnly sworn by his father Amilcar to +pursue the Romans with the utmost hatred as long as ever he lived, so my +late father has enjoined me to remain here without, till God Almighty's +thunder reduce them there within to ashes, like other presumptuous Titans, +profane wretches, and opposers of God; since mankind is so inured to their +oppressions that they either do not remember, foresee, or have a sense of +the woes and miseries which they have caused; or, if they have, either will +not, dare not, or cannot root 'em out. + +How, said Panurge, say you so? Catch me there and hang me! Damme, let's +march off! This noble beggar has scared me worse than thunder in autumn +(Motteux gives 'than the thunder would do them.'). Upon this we were +filing off; but, alas! we found ourselves trapped--the door was +double-locked and barricadoed. Some messengers of ill news told us it was +full as easy to get in there as into hell, and no less hard to get out. Ay, +there indeed lay the difficulty, for there is no getting loose without a +pass and discharge in due course from the bench. This for no other reason +than because folks go easier out of a church than out of a sponging-house, +and because they could not have our company when they would. The worst on't +was when we got through the wicket; for we were carried, to get out our pass +or discharge, before a more dreadful monster than ever was read of in the +legends of knight-errantry. They called him Gripe-men-all. I can't tell +what to compare it to better than to a Chimaera, a Sphinx, a Cerberus; or to +the image of Osiris, as the Egyptians represented him, with three heads, one +of a roaring lion, t'other of a fawning cur, and the last of a howling, +prowling wolf, twisted about with a dragon biting his tail, surrounded with +fiery rays. His hands were full of gore, his talons like those of the +harpies, his snout like a hawk's bill, his fangs or tusks like those of an +overgrown brindled wild boar; his eyes were flaming like the jaws of hell, +all covered with mortars interlaced with pestles, and nothing of his arms +was to be seen but his clutches. His hutch, and that of the warren-cats his +collaterals, was a long, spick-and-span new rack, a-top of which (as the +mumper told us) some large stately mangers were fixed in the reverse. Over +the chief seat was the picture of an old woman holding the case or scabbard +of a sickle in her right hand, a pair of scales in her left, with spectacles +on her nose; the cups or scales of the balance were a pair of velvet +pouches, the one full of bullion, which overpoised t'other, empty and long, +hoisted higher than the middle of the beam. I'm of opinion it was the true +effigies of Justice Gripe-men-all; far different from the institution of the +ancient Thebans, who set up the statues of their dicasts without hands, in +marble, silver, or gold, according to their merit, even after their death. + +When we made our personal appearance before him, a sort of I don't know +what men, all clothed with I don't know what bags and pouches, with long +scrolls in their clutches, made us sit down upon a cricket (such as +criminals sit on when tried in France). Quoth Panurge to 'em, Good my +lords, I'm very well as I am; I'd as lief stand, an't please you. Besides, +this same stool is somewhat of the lowest for a man that has new breeches +and a short doublet. Sit you down, said Gripe-men-all again, and look that +you don't make the court bid you twice. Now, continued he, the earth shall +immediately open its jaws and swallow you up to quick damnation if you +don't answer as you should. + + + +Chapter 5.XII. + +How Gripe-men-all propounded a riddle to us. + +When we were sat, Gripe-men-all, in the middle of his furred cats, called +to us in a hoarse dreadful voice, Well, come on, give me presently--an +answer. Well, come on, muttered Panurge between his teeth, give, give me +presently--a comforting dram. Hearken to the court, continued +Gripe-men-all. + + An Enigma. + + A young tight thing, as fair as may be, + Without a dad conceived a baby, + And brought him forth without the pother + In labour made by teeming mother. + Yet the cursed brat feared not to gripe her, + But gnawed, for haste, her sides like viper. + Then the black upstart boldly sallies, + And walks and flies o'er hills and valleys. + Many fantastic sons of wisdom, + Amazed, foresaw their own in his doom; + And thought like an old Grecian noddy, + A human spirit moved his body. + +Give, give me out of hand--an answer to this riddle, quoth Gripe-men-all. +Give, give me--leave to tell you, good, good my lord, answered Panurge, +that if I had but a sphinx at home, as Verres one of your precursors had, I +might then solve your enigma presently. But verily, good my lord, I was +not there; and, as I hope to be saved, am as innocent in the matter as the +child unborn. Foh, give me--a better answer, cried Gripe-men-all; or, by +gold, this shall not serve your turn. I'll not be paid in such coin; if +you have nothing better to offer, I'll let your rascalship know that it had +been better for you to have fallen into Lucifer's own clutches than into +ours. Dost thou see 'em here, sirrah? hah? and dost thou prate here of thy +being innocent, as if thou couldst be delivered from our racks and tortures +for being so? Give me--Patience! thou widgeon. Our laws are like cobwebs; +your silly little flies are stopped, caught, and destroyed therein, but +your stronger ones break them, and force and carry them which way they +please. Likewise, don't think we are so mad as to set up our nets to snap +up your great robbers and tyrants. No, they are somewhat too hard for us, +there's no meddling with them; for they would make no more of us than we +make of the little ones. But you paltry, silly, innocent wretches must +make us amends; and, by gold, we will innocentize your fopship with a +wannion, you never were so innocentized in your days; the devil shall sing +mass among ye. + +Friar John, hearing him run on at that mad rate, had no longer the power to +remain silent, but cried to him, Heigh-day! Prithee, Mr. Devil in a coif, +wouldst thou have a man tell thee more than he knows? Hasn't the fellow +told you he does not know a word of the business? His name is Twyford. +A plague rot you! won't truth serve your turns? Why, how now, +Mr. Prate-apace, cried Gripe-men-all, taking him short, marry come up, who +made you so saucy as to open your lips before you were spoken to? Give me +--Patience! By gold! this is the first time since I have reigned that +anyone has had the impudence to speak before he was bidden. How came this +mad fellow to break loose? (Villain, thou liest, said Friar John, without +stirring his lips.) Sirrah, sirrah, continued Gripe-men-all, I doubt thou +wilt have business enough on thy hands when it comes to thy turn to answer. +(Damme, thou liest, said Friar John, silently.) Dost thou think, continued +my lord, thou art in the wilderness of your foolish university, wrangling +and bawling among the idle, wandering searchers and hunters after truth? By +gold, we have here other fish to fry; we go another gate's-way to work, that +we do. By gold, people here must give categorical answers to what they +don't know. By gold, they must confess they have done those things which +they have not nor ought to have done. By gold, they must protest that they +know what they never knew in their lives; and, after all, patience perforce +must be their only remedy, as well as a mad dog's. Here silly geese are +plucked, yet cackle not. Sirrah, give me--an account whether you had a +letter of attorney, or whether you were feed or no, that you offered to bawl +in another man's cause? I see you had no authority to speak, and I may +chance to have you wed to something you won't like. Oh, you devils, cried +Friar John, proto-devils, panto-devils, you would wed a monk, would you? Ho +hu! ho hu! A heretic! a heretic! I'll give thee out for a rank heretic. + + + +Chapter 5.XIII. + +How Panurge solved Gripe-men-all's riddle. + +Gripe-men-all, as if he had not heard what Friar John said, directed his +discourse to Panurge, saying to him, Well, what have you to say for +yourself, Mr. Rogue-enough, hah? Give, give me out of hand--an answer. +Say? quoth Panurge; why, what would you have me say? I say that we are +damnably beshit, since you give no heed at all to the equity of the plea, +and the devil sings among you. Let this answer serve for all, I beseech +you, and let us go out about our business; I am no longer able to hold out, +as gad shall judge me. + +Go to, go to, cried Gripe-men-all; when did you ever hear that for these +three hundred years last past anybody ever got out of this weel without +leaving something of his behind him? No, no, get out of the trap if you +can without losing leather, life, or at least some hair, and you will have +done more than ever was done yet. For why, this would bring the wisdom of +the court into question, as if we had took you up for nothing, and dealt +wrongfully by you. Well, by hook or by crook, we must have something out +of you. Look ye, it is a folly to make a rout for a fart and ado; one word +is as good as twenty. I have no more to say to thee, but that, as thou +likest thy former entertainment, thou wilt tell me more of the next; for it +will go ten times worse with thee unless, by gold, you give me--a solution +to the riddle I propounded. Give, give--it, without any more ado. + +By gold, quoth Panurge, 'tis a black mite or weevil which is born of a +white bean, and sallies out at the hole which he makes gnawing it; the mite +being turned into a kind of fly, sometimes walks and sometimes flies over +hills and dales. Now Pythagoras, the philosopher, and his sect, besides +many others, wondering at its birth in such a place (which makes some argue +for equivocal generation), thought that by a metempsychosis the body of +that insect was the lodging of a human soul. Now, were you men here, after +your welcomed death, according to his opinion, your souls would most +certainly enter into the body of mites or weevils; for in your present +state of life you are good for nothing in the world but to gnaw, bite, eat, +and devour all things, so in the next you'll e'en gnaw and devour your +mother's very sides, as the vipers do. Now, by gold, I think I have fairly +solved and resolved your riddle. + +May my bauble be turned into a nutcracker, quoth Friar John, if I could not +almost find in my heart to wish that what comes out at my bunghole were +beans, that these evil weevils might feed as they deserve. + +Panurge then, without any more ado, threw a large leathern purse stuffed +with gold crowns (ecus au soleil) among them. + +The Furred Law-cats no sooner heard the jingling of the chink but they all +began to bestir their claws, like a parcel of fiddlers running a division; +and then fell to't, squimble, squamble, catch that catch can. They all +said aloud, These are the fees, these are the gloves; now, this is somewhat +like a tansy. Oh! 'twas a pretty trial, a sweet trial, a dainty trial. O' +my word, they did not starve the cause. These are none of your snivelling +forma pauperis's; no, they are noble clients, gentlemen every inch of them. +By gold, it is gold, quoth Panurge, good old gold, I'll assure you. + +Saith Gripe-men-all, The court, upon a full hearing (of the gold, quoth +Panurge), and weighty reasons given, finds the prisoners not guilty, and +accordingly orders them to be discharged out of custody, paying their fees. +Now, gentlemen, proceed, go forwards, said he to us; we have not so much of +the devil in us as we have of his hue; though we are stout, we are +merciful. + +As we came out at the wicket, we were conducted to the port by a detachment +of certain highland griffins, scribere cum dashoes, who advised us before +we came to our ships not to offer to leave the place until we had made the +usual presents, first to the Lady Gripe-men-all, then to all the Furred +Law-pusses; otherwise we must return to the place from whence we came. +Well, well, said Friar John, we'll fumble in our fobs, examine every one of +us his concern, and e'en give the women their due; we'll ne'er boggle or +stick out on that account; as we tickled the men in the palm, we'll tickle +the women in the right place. Pray, gentlemen, added they, don't forget to +leave somewhat behind you for us poor devils to drink your healths. O +lawd! never fear, answered Friar John, I don't remember that I ever went +anywhere yet where the poor devils are not remembered and encouraged. + + + +Chapter 5.XIV. + +How the Furred Law-cats live on corruption. + +Friar John had hardly said those words ere he perceived seventy-eight +galleys and frigates just arriving at the port. So he hied him thither to +learn some news; and as he asked what goods they had o' board, he soon +found that their whole cargo was venison, hares, capons, turkeys, pigs, +swine, bacon, kids, calves, hens, ducks, teals, geese, and other poultry +and wildfowl. + +He also spied among these some pieces of velvet, satin, and damask. This +made him ask the new-comers whither and to whom they were going to carry +those dainty goods. They answered that they were for Gripe-men-all and the +Furred Law-cats. + +Pray, asked he, what is the true name of all these things in your country +language? Corruption, they replied. If they live on corruption, said the +friar, they will perish with their generation. May the devil be damned, I +have it now: their fathers devoured the good gentlemen who, according to +their state of life, used to go much a-hunting and hawking, to be the +better inured to toil in time of war; for hunting is an image of a martial +life, and Xenophon was much in the right of it when he affirmed that +hunting had yielded a great number of excellent warriors, as well as the +Trojan horse. For my part, I am no scholar; I have it but by hearsay, yet +I believe it. Now the souls of those brave fellows, according to +Gripe-men-all's riddle, after their decease enter into wild boars, stags, +roebucks, herns, and such other creatures which they loved, and in quest of +which they went while they were men; and these Furred Law-cats, having +first destroyed and devoured their castles, lands, demesnes, possessions, +rents, and revenues, are still seeking to have their blood and soul in +another life. What an honest fellow was that same mumper who had +forewarned us of all these things, and bid us take notice of the mangers +above the racks! + +But, said Panurge to the new-comers, how do you come by all this venison? +Methinks the great king has issued out a proclamation strictly inhibiting +the destroying of stags, does, wild boars, roebucks, or other royal game, +on pain of death. All this is true enough, answered one for the rest, but +the great king is so good and gracious, you must know, and these Furred +Law-cats so curst and cruel, so mad, and thirsting after Christian blood, +that we have less cause to fear in trespassing against that mighty +sovereign's commands than reason to hope to live if we do not continually +stop the mouths of these Furred Law-cats with such bribes and corruption. +Besides, added he, to-morrow Gripe-men-all marries a furred law-puss of his +to a high and mighty double-furred law-tybert. Formerly we used to call +them chop-hay; but alas! they are not such neat creatures now as to eat +any, or chew the cud. We call them chop-hares, chop-partridges, +chop-woodcocks, chop-pheasants, chop-pullets, chop-venison, chop-coneys, +chop-pigs, for they scorn to feed on coarser meat. A t--d for their chops, +cried Friar John, next year we'll have 'em called chop-dung, chop-stront, +chop-filth. + +Would you take my advice? added he to the company. What is it? answered +we. Let's do two things, returned he. First, let us secure all this +venison and wild fowl--I mean, paying well for them; for my part, I am but +too much tired already with our salt meat, it heats my flanks so horribly. +In the next place, let's go back to the wicket, and destroy all these +devilish Furred Law-cats. For my part, quoth Panurge, I know better +things; catch me there, and hang me. No, I am somewhat more inclined to be +fearful than bold; I love to sleep in a whole skin. + + + +Chapter 5.XV. + +How Friar John talks of rooting out the Furred Law-cats. + +Virtue of the frock, quoth Friar John, what kind of voyage are we making? +A shitten one, o' my word; the devil of anything we do but fizzling, +farting, funking, squattering, dozing, raving, and doing nothing. +Ods-belly, 'tisn't in my nature to lie idle; I mortally hate it. Unless I +am doing some heroic feat every foot, I can't sleep one wink o' nights. +Damn it, did you then take me along with you for your chaplain, to sing mass +and shrive you? By Maundy Thursday, the first of ye all that comes to me on +such an account shall be fitted; for the only penance I'll enjoin shall be, +that he immediately throw himself headlong overboard into the sea like a +base cowhearted son of ten fathers. This in deduction of the pains of +purgatory. + +What made Hercules such a famous fellow, d'ye think? Nothing but that +while he travelled he still made it his business to rid the world of +tyrannies, errors, dangers, and drudgeries; he still put to death all +robbers, all monsters, all venomous serpents and hurtful creatures. Why +then do we not follow his example, doing as he did in the countries through +which we pass? He destroyed the Stymphalides, the Lernaean hydra, Cacus, +Antheus, the Centaurs, and what not; I am no clericus, those that are such +tell me so. + +In imitation of that noble by-blow, let's destroy and root out these wicked +Furred Law-cats, that are a kind of ravenous devils; thus we shall remove +all manner of tyranny out of the land. Mawmet's tutor swallow me body and +soul, tripes and guts, if I would stay to ask your help or advice in the +matter were I but as strong as he was. Come, he that would be thought a +gentleman, let him storm a town; well, then, shall we go? I dare swear +we'll do their business for them with a wet finger; they'll bear it, never +fear; since they could swallow down more foul language that came from us +than ten sows and their babies could swill hogwash. Damn 'em, they don't +value all the ill words or dishonour in the world at a rush, so they but +get the coin into their purses, though they were to have it in a shitten +clout. Come, we may chance to kill 'em all, as Hercules would have done +had they lived in his time. We only want to be set to work by another +Eurystheus, and nothing else for the present, unless it be what I heartily +wish them, that Jupiter may give 'em a short visit, only some two or three +hours long, and walk among their lordships in the same equipage that +attended him when he came last to his Miss Semele, jolly Bacchus's mother. + +'Tis a very great mercy, quoth Panurge, that you have got out of their +clutches. For my part, I have no stomach to go there again; I'm hardly +come to myself yet, so scared and appalled I was. My hair still stands up +an end when I think on't; and most damnably troubled I was there, for three +very weighty reasons. First, because I was troubled. Secondly, because I +was troubled. Thirdly and lastly, because I was troubled. Hearken to me a +little on thy right side, Friar John, my left cod, since thou'lt not hear +at the other. Whenever the maggot bites thee to take a trip down to hell +and visit the tribunal of Minos, Aeacus, Rhadamanthus, (and Dis,) do but +tell me, and I'll be sure to bear thee company, and never leave thee as +long as my name's Panurge, but will wade over Acheron, Styx, and Cocytus, +drink whole bumpers of Lethe's water--though I mortally hate that element +--and even pay thy passage to that bawling, cross-grained ferryman, Charon. +But as for the damned wicket, if thou art so weary of thy life as to go +thither again, thou mayst e'en look for somebody else to bear thee company, +for I'll not move one step that way; e'en rest satisfied with this positive +answer. By my good will I'll not stir a foot to go thither as long as I +live, any more than Calpe will come over to Abyla (Here Motteux adds the +following note: 'Calpe is a mountain in Spain that faces another, called +Abyla, in Mauritania, both said to have been severed by Hercules.'). Was +Ulysses so mad as to go back into the Cyclop's cave to fetch his sword? +No, marry was he not. Now I have left nothing behind me at the wicket +through forgetfulness; why then should I think of going thither? + +Well, quoth Friar John, as good sit still as rise up and fall; what cannot +be cured must be endured. But, prithee, let's hear one another speak. +Come, wert thou not a wise doctor to fling away a whole purse of gold on +those mangy scoundrels? Ha! A squinsy choke thee! we were too rich, were +we? Had it not been enough to have thrown the hell-hounds a few cropped +pieces of white cash? + +How could I help it? returned Panurge. Did you not see how Gripe-men-all +held his gaping velvet pouch, and every moment roared and bellowed, By +gold, give me out of hand; by gold, give, give, give me presently? Now, +thought I to myself, we shall never come off scot-free. I'll e'en stop +their mouths with gold, that the wicket may be opened, and we may get out; +the sooner the better. And I judged that lousy silver would not do the +business; for, d'ye see, velvet pouches do not use to gape for little +paltry clipt silver and small cash; no, they are made for gold, my friend +John; that they are, my dainty cod. Ah! when thou hast been larded, +basted, and roasted, as I was, thou wilt hardly talk at this rate, I doubt. +But now what is to be done? We are enjoined by them to go forwards. + +The scabby slabberdegullions still waited for us at the port, expecting to +be greased in the fist as well as their masters. Now when they perceived +that we were ready to put to sea, they came to Friar John and begged that +we would not forget to gratify the apparitors before we went off, according +to the assessment for the fees at our discharge. Hell and damnation! cried +Friar John; are ye here still, ye bloodhounds, ye citing, scribbling imps +of Satan? Rot you, am I not vexed enough already, but you must have the +impudence to come and plague me, ye scurvy fly-catchers you? By +cob's-body, I'll gratify your ruffianships as you deserve; I'll apparitorize +you presently with a wannion, that I will. With this, he lugged out his +slashing cutlass, and in a mighty heat came out of the ship to cut the +cozening varlets into steaks, but they scampered away and got out of sight +in a trice. + +However, there was somewhat more to do, for some of our sailors, having got +leave of Pantagruel to go ashore while we were had before Gripe-men-all, +had been at a tavern near the haven to make much of themselves, and roar +it, as seamen will do when they come into some port. Now I don't know +whether they had paid their reckoning to the full or no, but, however it +was, an old fat hostess, meeting Friar John on the quay, was making a +woeful complaint before a sergeant, son-in-law to one of the furred +law-cats, and a brace of bums, his assistants. + +The friar, who did not much care to be tired with their impertinent +prating, said to them, Harkee me, ye lubberly gnat-snappers! do ye presume +to say that our seamen are not honest men? I'll maintain they are, ye +dotterels, and will prove it to your brazen faces, by justice--I mean, this +trusty piece of cold iron by my side. With this he lugged it out and +flourished with it. The forlorn lobcocks soon showed him their backs, +betaking themselves to their heels; but the old fusty landlady kept her +ground, swearing like any butter-whore that the tarpaulins were very honest +cods, but that they only forgot to pay for the bed on which they had lain +after dinner, and she asked fivepence, French money, for the said bed. May +I never sup, said the friar, if it be not dog-cheap; they are sorry guests +and unkind customers, that they are; they do not know when they have a +pennyworth, and will not always meet with such bargains. Come, I myself +will pay you the money, but I would willingly see it first. + +The hostess immediately took him home with her, and showed him the bed, and +having praised it for all its good qualifications, said that she thought as +times went she was not out of the way in asking fivepence for it. Friar +John then gave her the fivepence; and she no sooner turned her back but he +presently began to rip up the ticking of the feather-bed and bolster, and +threw all the feathers out at the window. In the meantime the old hag came +down and roared out for help, crying out murder to set all the +neighbourhood in an uproar. Yet she also fell to gathering the feathers +that flew up and down in the air, being scattered by the wind. Friar John +let her bawl on, and, without any further ado, marched off with the +blanket, quilt, and both the sheets, which he brought aboard undiscovered, +for the air was darkened with the feathers, as it uses sometimes to be with +snow. He gave them away to the sailors; then said to Pantagruel that beds +were much cheaper at that place than in Chinnonois, though we have there +the famous geese of Pautile; for the old beldam had asked him but fivepence +for a bed which in Chinnonois had been worth about twelve francs. (As soon +as Friar John and the rest of the company were embarked, Pantagruel set +sail. But there arose a south-east wind, which blew so vehemently they +lost their way, and in a manner going back to the country of the Furred +Law-cats, they entered into a huge gulf, where the sea ran so high and +terrible that the shipboy on the top of the mast cried out he again saw the +habitation of Gripe-men-all; upon which Panurge, frightened almost out of +his wits, roared out, Dear master, in spite of the wind and waves, change +your course, and turn the ship's head about. O my friend, let us come no +more into that cursed country where I left my purse. So the wind carried +them near an island, where however they did not dare at first to land, but +entered about a mile off. (Motteux omitted this passage altogether in the +edition of 1694. It was restored by Ozell in the edition of 1738.)) + + + +Chapter 5.XVI. + +How Pantagruel came to the island of the Apedefers, or Ignoramuses, with +long claws and crooked paws, and of terrible adventures and monsters there. + +As soon as we had cast anchor and had moored the ship, the pinnace was put +over the ship's side and manned by the coxswain's crew. When the good +Pantagruel had prayed publicly, and given thanks to the Lord that had +delivered him from so great a danger, he stepped into it with his whole +company to go on shore, which was no ways difficult to do, for, as the sea +was calm and the winds laid, they soon got to the cliffs. When they were +set on shore, Epistemon, who was admiring the situation of the place and +the strange shape of the rocks, discovered some of the natives. The first +he met had on a short purple gown, a doublet cut in panes, like a Spanish +leather jerkin, half sleeves of satin, and the upper part of them leather, +a coif like a black pot tipped with tin. He was a good likely sort of a +body, and his name, as we heard afterwards, was Double-fee. Epistemon +asked him how they called those strange craggy rocks and deep valleys. He +told them it was a colony brought out of Attorneyland, and called Process, +and that if we forded the river somewhat further beyond the rocks we should +come into the island of the Apedefers. By the memory of the decretals, +said Friar John, tell us, I pray you, what you honest men here live on? +Could not a man take a chirping bottle with you to taste your wine? I can +see nothing among you but parchment, ink-horns, and pens. We live on +nothing else, returned Double-fee; and all who live in this place must come +through my hands. How, quoth Panurge, are you a shaver, then? Do you +fleece 'em? Ay, ay, their purse, answered Double-fee; nothing else. By +the foot of Pharaoh, cried Panurge, the devil a sou will you get of me. +However, sweet sir, be so kind as to show an honest man the way to those +Apedefers, or ignorant people, for I come from the land of the learned, +where I did not learn over much. + +Still talking on, they got to the island of the Apedefers, for they were +soon got over the ford. Pantagruel was not a little taken up with admiring +the structure and habitation of the people of the place. For they live in +a swingeing wine-press, fifty steps up to it. You must know there are some +of all sorts, little, great, private, middle-sized, and so forth. You go +through a large peristyle, alias a long entry set about with pillars, in +which you see, in a kind of landscape, the ruins of almost the whole world, +besides so many great robbers' gibbets, so many gallows and racks, that +'tis enough to fright you out of your seven senses. Double-fee perceiving +that Pantagruel was taken up with contemplating those things, Let us go +further, sir, said he to him; all this is nothing yet. Nothing, quotha, +cried Friar John; by the soul of my overheated codpiece, friend Panurge and +I here shake and quiver for mere hunger. I had rather be drinking than +staring at these ruins. Pray come along, sir, said Double-fee. He then +led us into a little wine-press that lay backwards in a blind corner, and +was called Pithies in the language of the country. You need not ask +whether Master John and Panurge made much of their sweet selves there; it +is enough that I tell you there was no want of Bolognia sausages, turkey +poots, capons, bustards, malmsey, and all other sorts of good belly-timber, +very well dressed. + +A pimping son of ten fathers, who, for want of a better, did the office of +a butler, seeing that Friar John had cast a sheep's eye at a choice bottle +that stood near a cupboard by itself, at some distance from the rest of the +bottellic magazine, like a jack-in-an-office said to Pantagruel, Sir, I +perceive that one of your men here is making love to this bottle. He ogles +it, and would fain caress it; but I beg that none offer to meddle with it; +for it is reserved for their worships. How, cried Panurge, there are some +grandees here then, I see. It is vintage time with you, I perceive. + +Then Double-fee led us up to a private staircase, and showed us into a +room, whence, without being seen, out at a loophole we could see their +worships in the great wine-press, where none could be admitted without +their leave. Their worships, as he called them, were about a score of +fusty crack-ropes and gallow-clappers, or rather more, all posted before a +bar, and staring at each other like so many dead pigs. Their paws were as +long as a crane's foot, and their claws four-and-twenty inches long at +least; for you must know they are enjoined never to pare off the least chip +of them, so that they grow as crooked as a Welsh hook or a hedging-bill. + +We saw a swingeing bunch of grapes that are gathered and squeezed in that +country, brought in by them. As soon as it was laid down, they clapped it +into the press, and there was not a bit of it out of which each of them did +not squeeze some oil of gold; insomuch that the poor grape was tried with a +witness, and brought off so drained and picked, and so dry, that there was +not the least moisture, juice, or substance left in it; for they had +pressed out its very quintessence. + +Double-fee told us they had not often such huge bunches; but, let the worst +come to the worst, they were sure never to be without others in their +press. But hark you me, master of mine, asked Panurge, have they not some +of different growth? Ay, marry have they, quoth Double-fee. Do you see +here this little bunch, to which they are going to give t'other wrench? It +is of tithe-growth, you must know; they crushed, wrung, squeezed and +strained out the very heart's blood of it but the other day; but it did not +bleed freely; the oil came hard, and smelt of the priest's chest; so that +they found there was not much good to be got out of it. Why then, said +Pantagruel, do they put it again into the press? Only, answered +Double-fee, for fear there should still lurk some juice among the husks and +hullings in the mother of the grape. The devil be damned! cried Friar +John; do you call these same folks illiterate lobcocks and duncical +doddipolls? May I be broiled like a red herring if I do not think they are +wise enough to skin a flint and draw oil out of a brick wall. So they are, +said Double-fee; for they sometimes put castles, parks, and forests into +the press, and out of them all extract aurum potabile. You mean portabile, +I suppose, cried Epistemon, such as may be borne. I mean as I said, +replied Double-fee, potabile, such as may be drunk; for it makes them drink +many a good bottle more than otherwise they should. + +But I cannot better satisfy you as to the growth of the vine-tree sirup +that is here squeezed out of grapes, than in desiring you to look yonder in +that back-yard, where you will see above a thousand different growths that +lie waiting to be squeezed every moment. Here are some of the public and +some of the private growth; some of the builders' fortifications, loans, +gifts, and gratuities, escheats, forfeitures, fines, and recoveries, penal +statutes, crown lands, and demesne, privy purse, post-offices, offerings, +lordships of manors, and a world of other growths, for which we want names. +Pray, quoth Epistemon, tell me of what growth is that great one, with all +those little grapelings about it. Oh, oh! returned Double-fee, that plump +one is of the treasury, the very best growth in the whole country. +Whenever anyone of that growth is squeezed, there is not one of their +worships but gets juice enough of it to soak his nose six months together. +When their worships were up, Pantagruel desired Double-fee to take us into +that great wine-press, which he readily did. As soon as we were in, +Epistemon, who understood all sorts of tongues, began to show us many +devices on the press, which was large and fine, and made of the wood of the +cross--at least Double-fee told us so. On each part of it were names of +everything in the language of the country. The spindle of the press was +called receipt; the trough, cost and damages; the hole for the vice-pin, +state; the side-boards, money paid into the office; the great beam, respite +of homage; the branches, radietur; the side-beams, recuperetur; the fats, +ignoramus; the two-handled basket, the rolls; the treading-place, +acquittance; the dossers, validation; the panniers, authentic decrees; the +pailes, potentials; the funnels, quietus est. + +By the Queen of the Chitterlings, quoth Panurge, all the hieroglyphics of +Egypt are mine a-- to this jargon. Why! here are a parcel of words full as +analogous as chalk and cheese, or a cat and a cart-wheel! But why, +prithee, dear Double-fee, do they call these worshipful dons of yours +ignorant fellows? Only, said Double-fee, because they neither are, nor +ought to be, clerks, and all must be ignorant as to what they transact +here; nor is there to be any other reason given, but, The court hath said +it; The court will have it so; The court has decreed it. Cop's body, quoth +Pantagruel, they might full as well have called 'em necessity; for +necessity has no law. + +From thence, as he was leading us to see a thousand little puny presses, we +spied another paltry bar, about which sat four are five ignorant waspish +churls, of so testy, fuming a temper, (like an ass with squibs and crackers +tied to its tail,) and so ready to take pepper in the nose for yea and nay, +that a dog would not have lived with 'em. They were hard at it with the +lees and dregs of the grapes, which they gripped over and over again, might +and main, with their clenched fists. They were called contractors in the +language of the country. These are the ugliest, misshapen, grim-looking +scrubs, said Friar John, that ever were beheld, with or without spectacles. +Then we passed by an infinite number of little pimping wine-presses all +full of vintage-mongers, who were picking, examining, and raking the grapes +with some instruments called bills-of-charge. + +Finally we came into a hall downstairs, where we saw an overgrown cursed +mangy cur with a pair of heads, a wolf's belly, and claws like the devil of +hell. The son of a bitch was fed with costs, for he lived on a +multiplicity of fine amonds and amerciaments by order of their worships, to +each of whom the monster was worth more than the best farm in the land. In +their tongue of ignorance they called him Twofold. His dam lay by him, and +her hair and shape was like her whelp's, only she had four heads, two male +and two female, and her name was Fourfold. She was certainly the most +cursed and dangerous creature of the place, except her grandam, which we +saw, and had been kept locked up in a dungeon time out of mind, and her +name was Refusing-of-fees. + +Friar John, who had always twenty yards of gut ready empty to swallow a +gallimaufry of lawyers, began to be somewhat out of humour, and desired +Pantagruel to remember he had not dined, and bring Double-fee along with +him. So away we went, and as we marched out at the back-gate whom should +we meet but an old piece of mortality in chains. He was half ignorant and +half learned, like an hermaphrodite of Satan. The fellow was all +caparisoned with spectacles as a tortoise is with shells, and lived on +nothing but a sort of food which, in their gibberish, was called appeals. +Pantagruel asked Double-fee of what breed was that prothonotary, and what +name they gave him. Double-fee told us that time out of mind he had been +kept there in chains, to the great grief of their worships, who starved +him, and his name was Review. By the pope's sanctified two-pounders, cried +Friar John, I do not much wonder at the meagre cheer which this old chuff +finds among their worships. Do but look a little on the weather-beaten +scratch-toby, friend Panurge; by the sacred tip of my cowl, I'll lay five +pounds to a hazel-nut the foul thief has the very looks of Gripe-me-now. +These same fellows here, ignorant as they be, are as sharp and knowing as +other folk. But were it my case, I would send him packing with a squib in +his breech like a rogue as he is. By my oriental barnacles, quoth Panurge, +honest friar, thou art in the right; for if we but examine that treacherous +Review's ill-favoured phiz, we find that the filthy snudge is yet more +mischievous and ignorant than these ignorant wretches here, since they +(honest dunces) grapple and glean with as little harm and pother as they +can, without any long fiddle-cum-farts or tantalizing in the case; nor do +they dally and demur in your suit, but in two or three words, whip-stitch, +in a trice, they finish the vintage of the close, bating you all these +damned tedious interlocutories, examinations, and appointments which fret +to the heart's blood your furred law-cats. + + + +Chapter 5.XVII. + +How we went forwards, and how Panurge had like to have been killed. + +We put to sea that very moment, steering our course forwards, and gave +Pantagruel a full account of our adventures, which so deeply struck him +with compassion that he wrote some elegies on that subject to divert +himself during the voyage. When we were safe in the port we took some +refreshment, and took in fresh water and wood. The people of the place, +who had the countenance of jolly fellows and boon companions, were all of +them forward folks, bloated and puffed up with fat. And we saw some who +slashed and pinked their skins to open a passage to the fat, that it might +swell out at the slits and gashes which they made; neither more nor less +than the shit-breech fellows in our country bepink and cut open their +breeches that the taffety on the inside may stand out and be puffed up. +They said that what they did was not out of pride or ostentation, but +because otherwise their skins would not hold them without much pain. +Having thus slashed their skin, they used to grow much bigger, like the +young trees on whose barks the gardeners make incisions that they may grow +the better. + +Near the haven there was a tavern, which forwards seemed very fine and +stately. We repaired thither, and found it filled with people of the +forward nation, of all ages, sexes, and conditions; so that we thought some +notable feast or other was getting ready, but we were told that all that +throng were invited to the bursting of mine host, which caused all his +friends and relations to hasten thither. + +We did not understand that jargon, and therefore thought in that country by +that bursting they meant some merry meeting or other, as we do in ours by +betrothing, wedding, groaning, christening, churching (of women), shearing +(of sheep), reaping (of corn, or harvest-home), and many other junketting +bouts that end in -ing. But we soon heard that there was no such matter in +hand. + +The master of the house, you must know, had been a good fellow in his time, +loved heartily to wind up his bottom, to bang the pitcher, and lick his +dish. He used to be a very fair swallower of gravy soup, a notable +accountant in matter of hours, and his whole life was one continual dinner, +like mine host at Rouillac (in Perigord). But now, having farted out much +fat for ten years together, according to the custom of the country, he was +drawing towards his bursting hour; for neither the inner thin kell +wherewith the entrails are covered, nor his skin that had been jagged and +mangled so many years, were able to hold and enclose his guts any longer, +or hinder them from forcing their way out. Pray, quoth Panurge, is there +no remedy, no help for the poor man, good people? Why don't you swaddle +him round with good tight girths, or secure his natural tub with a strong +sorb-apple-tree hoop? Nay, why don't you iron-bind him, if needs be? This +would keep the man from flying out and bursting. The word was not yet out +of his mouth when we heard something give a loud report, as if a huge +sturdy oak had been split in two. Then some of the neighbours told us that +the bursting was over, and that the clap or crack which we heard was the +last fart, and so there was an end of mine host. + +This made me call to mind a saying of the venerable abbot of Castilliers, +the very same who never cared to hump his chambermaids but when he was in +pontificalibus. That pious person, being much dunned, teased, and +importuned by his relations to resign his abbey in his old age, said and +professed that he would not strip till he was ready to go to bed, and that +the last fart which his reverend paternity was to utter should be the fart +of an abbot. + + + +Chapter 5.XVIII. + +How our ships were stranded, and we were relieved by some people that were +subject to Queen Whims (qui tenoient de la Quinte). + +We weighed and set sail with a merry westerly gale. When about seven +leagues off (twenty-two miles) some gusts or scuds of wind suddenly arose, +and the wind veering and shifting from point to point, was, as they say, +like an old woman's breech, at no certainty; so we first got our starboard +tacks aboard, and hauled off our lee-sheets. Then the gusts increased, and +by fits blowed all at once from several quarters, yet we neither settled +nor braided up close our sails, but only let fly the sheets, not to go +against the master of the ship's direction; and thus having let go amain, +lest we should spend our topsails, or the ship's quick-side should lie in +the water and she be overset, we lay by and run adrift; that is, in a +landloper's phrase, we temporized it. For he assured us that, as these +gusts and whirlwinds would not do us much good, so they could not do us +much harm, considering their easiness and pleasant strife, as also the +clearness of the sky and calmness of the current. So that we were to +observe the philosopher's rule, bear and forbear; that is, trim, or go +according to the time. + +However, these whirlwinds and gusts lasted so long that we persuaded the +master to let us go and lie at trie with our main course; that is, to haul +the tack aboard, the sheet close aft, the bowline set up, and the helm tied +close aboard; so, after a stormy gale of wind, we broke through the +whirlwind. But it was like falling into Scylla to avoid Charybdis (out of +the frying-pan into the fire). For we had not sailed a league ere our +ships were stranded upon some sands such as are the flats of St. Maixent. + +All our company seemed mightily disturbed except Friar John, who was not a +jot daunted, and with sweet sugar-plum words comforted now one and then +another, giving them hopes of speedy assistance from above, and telling +them that he had seen Castor at the main-yardarm. Oh! that I were but now +ashore, cried Panurge, that is all I wish for myself at present, and that +you who like the sea so well had each man of you two hundred thousand +crowns. I would fairly let you set up shop on these sands, and would get a +fat calf dressed and a hundred of faggots (i.e. bottles of wine) cooled for +you against you come ashore. I freely consent never to mount a wife, so +you but set me ashore and mount me on a horse, that I may go home. No +matter for a servant, I will be contented to serve myself; I am never +better treated than when I am without a man. Faith, old Plautus was in the +right on't when he said the more servants the more crosses; for such they +are, even supposing they could want what they all have but too much of, a +tongue, that most busy, dangerous, and pernicious member of servants. +Accordingly, 'twas for their sakes alone that the racks and tortures for +confession were invented, though some foreign civilians in our time have +drawn alogical and unreasonable consequences from it. + +That very moment we spied a sail that made towards us. When it was close +by us, we soon knew what was the lading of the ship and who was aboard of +her. She was full freighted with drums. I was acquainted with many of the +passengers that came in her, who were most of 'em of good families; among +the rest Harry Cotiral, an old toast, who had got a swinging ass's +touch-tripe (penis) fastened to his waist, as the good women's beads are to their +girdle. In his left hand he held an old overgrown greasy foul cap, such as +your scald-pated fellows wear, and in the right a huge cabbage-stump. + +As soon as he saw me he was overjoyed, and bawled out to me, What cheer, +ho? How dost like me now? Behold the true Algamana (this he said showing +me the ass's tickle-gizzard). This doctor's cap is my true elixir; and +this (continued he, shaking the cabbage-stump in his fist) is lunaria +major, you old noddy. I have 'em, old boy, I have 'em; we'll make 'em when +thou'rt come back. But pray, father, said I, whence come you? Whither are +you bound? What's your lading? Have you smelt the salt deep? To these +four questions he answered, From Queen Whims; for Touraine; alchemy; to the +very bottom. + +Whom have you got o' board? said I. Said he, Astrologers, fortune-tellers, +alchemists, rhymers, poets, painters, projectors, mathematicians, +watchmakers, sing-songs, musicianers, and the devil and all of others that +are subject to Queen Whims (Motteux gives the following footnote:--'La +Quinte, This means a fantastic Humour, Maggots, or a foolish Giddiness of +Brains; and also, a fifth, or the Proportion of Five in music, &c.'). They +have very fair legible patents to show for't, as anybody may see. Panurge +had no sooner heard this but he was upon the high-rope, and began to rail +at them like mad. What o' devil d'ye mean, cried he, to sit idly here like +a pack of loitering sneaksbies, and see us stranded, while you may help us, +and tow us off into the current? A plague o' your whims! you can make all +things whatsoever, they say, so much as good weather and little children; +yet won't make haste to fasten some hawsers and cables, and get us off. I +was just coming to set you afloat, quoth Harry Cotiral; by Trismegistus, +I'll clear you in a trice. With this he caused 7,532,810 huge drums to be +unheaded on one side, and set that open side so that it faced the end of +the streamers and pendants; and having fastened them to good tacklings and +our ship's head to the stern of theirs, with cables fastened to the bits +abaft the manger in the ship's loof, they towed us off ground at one pull +so easily and pleasantly that you'd have wondered at it had you been there. +For the dub-a-dub rattling of the drums, with the soft noise of the gravel +which murmuring disputed us our way, and the merry cheers and huzzas of the +sailors, made an harmony almost as good as that of the heavenly bodies when +they roll and are whirled round their spheres, which rattling of the +celestial wheels Plato said he heard some nights in his sleep. + +We scorned to be behindhand with 'em in civility, and gratefully gave 'em +store of our sausages and chitterlings, with which we filled their drums; +and we were just a-hoisting two-and-sixty hogsheads of wine out of the +hold, when two huge whirlpools with great fury made towards their ship, +spouting more water than is in the river Vienne (Vigenne) from Chinon to +Saumur; to make short, all their drums, all their sails, their concerns, +and themselves were soused, and their very hose were watered by the collar. + +Panurge was so overjoyed, seeing this, and laughed so heartily, that he was +forced to hold his sides, and it set him into a fit of the colic for two +hours and more. I had a mind, quoth he, to make the dogs drink, and those +honest whirlpools, egad, have saved me that labour and that cost. There's +sauce for them; ariston men udor. Water is good, saith a poet; let 'em +Pindarize upon't. They never cared for fresh water but to wash their hands +or their glasses. This good salt water will stand 'em in good stead for +want of sal ammoniac and nitre in Geber's kitchen. + +We could not hold any further discourse with 'em; for the former whirlwind +hindered our ship from feeling the helm. The pilot advised us +henceforwards to let her run adrift and follow the stream, not busying +ourselves with anything, but making much of our carcasses. For our only +way to arrive safe at the queendom of Whims was to trust to the whirlwind +and be led by the current. + + + +Chapter 5.XIX. + +How we arrived at the queendom of Whims or Entelechy. + +We did as he directed us for about twelve hours, and on the third day the +sky seemed to us somewhat clearer, and we happily arrived at the port of +Mateotechny, not far distant from Queen Whims, alias the Quintessence. + +We met full butt on the quay a great number of guards and other military +men that garrisoned the arsenal, and we were somewhat frighted at first +because they made us all lay down our arms, and in a haughty manner asked +us whence we came. + +Cousin, quoth Panurge to him that asked the question, we are of Touraine, +and come from France, being ambitious of paying our respects to the Lady +Quintessence and visit this famous realm of Entelechy. + +What do you say? cried they; do you call it Entelechy or Endelechy? Truly, +truly, sweet cousins, quoth Panurge, we are a silly sort of grout-headed +lobcocks, an't please you; be so kind as to forgive us if we chance to +knock words out of joint. As for anything else, we are downright honest +fellows and true hearts. + +We have not asked you this question without a cause, said they; for a great +number of others who have passed this way from your country of Touraine +seemed as mere jolt-headed doddipolls as ever were scored o'er the coxcomb, +yet spoke as correct as other folks. But there has been here from other +countries a pack of I know not what overweening self-conceited prigs, as +moody as so many mules and as stout as any Scotch lairds, and nothing would +serve these, forsooth, but they must wilfully wrangle and stand out against +us at their coming; and much they got by it after all. Troth, we e'en +fitted them and clawed 'em off with a vengeance, for all they looked so big +and so grum. + +Pray tell me, does your time lie so heavy upon you in your world that you +do not know how to bestow it better than in thus impudently talking, +disputing, and writing of our sovereign lady? There was much need that +your Tully, the consul, should go and leave the care of his commonwealth to +busy himself idly about her; and after him your Diogenes Laertius, the +biographer, and your Theodorus Gaza, the philosopher, and your Argiropilus, +the emperor, and your Bessario, the cardinal, and your Politian, the +pedant, and your Budaeus, the judge, and your Lascaris, the ambassador, and +the devil and all of those you call lovers of wisdom; whose number, it +seems, was not thought great enough already, but lately your Scaliger, +Bigot, Chambrier, Francis Fleury, and I cannot tell how many such other +junior sneaking fly-blows must take upon 'em to increase it. + +A squinsy gripe the cod's-headed changelings at the swallow and eke at the +cover-weasel; we shall make 'em--But the deuce take 'em! (They flatter the +devil here, and smoothify his name, quoth Panurge, between his teeth.) You +don't come here, continued the captain, to uphold 'em in their folly; you +have no commission from 'em to this effect; well then, we will talk no more +on't. + +Aristotle, that first of men and peerless pattern of all philosophy, was +our sovereign lady's godfather, and wisely and properly gave her the name +of Entelechy. Her true name then is Entelechy, and may he be in tail +beshit, and entail a shit-a-bed faculty and nothing else on his family, who +dares call her by any other name; for whoever he is, he does her wrong, and +is a very impudent person. You are heartily welcome, gentlemen. With +this they colled and clipped us about the neck, which was no small comfort +to us, I'll assure you. + +Panurge then whispered me, Fellow-traveller, quoth he, hast thou not been +somewhat afraid this bout? A little, said I. To tell you the truth of it, +quoth he, never were the Ephraimites in a greater fear and quandary when +the Gileadites killed and drowned them for saying sibboleth instead of +shibboleth; and among friends, let me tell you that perhaps there is not a +man in the whole country of Beauce but might easily have stopped my +bunghole with a cartload of hay. + +The captain afterwards took us to the queen's palace, leading us silently +with great formality. Pantagruel would have said something to him, but the +other, not being able to come up to his height, wished for a ladder or a +very long pair of stilts; then said, Patience, if it were our sovereign +lady's will, we would be as tall as you; well, we shall when she pleases. + +In the first galleries we saw great numbers of sick persons, differently +placed according to their maladies. The leprous were apart; those that +were poisoned on one side; those that had got the plague on another; those +that had the pox in the first rank, and the rest accordingly. + + + +Chapter 5.XX. + +How the Quintessence cured the sick with a song. + +The captain showed us the queen, attended with her ladies and gentlemen, in +the second gallery. She looked young, though she was at least eighteen +hundred years old, and was handsome, slender, and as fine as a queen, that +is, as hands could make her. He then said to us: It is not yet a fit time +to speak to the queen; be you but mindful of her doings in the meanwhile. + +You have kings in your world that fantastically pretend to cure some +certain diseases, as, for example, scrofula or wens, swelled throats, +nicknamed the king's evil, and quartan agues, only with a touch; now our +queen cures all manner of diseases without so much as touching the sick, +but barely with a song, according to the nature of the distemper. He then +showed us a set of organs, and said that when it was touched by her those +miraculous cures were performed. The organ was indeed the strangest that +ever eyes beheld; for the pipes were of cassia fistula in the cod; the top +and cornice of guiacum; the bellows of rhubarb; the pedas of turbith, and +the clavier or keys of scammony. + +While we were examining this wonderful new make of an organ, the leprous +were brought in by her abstractors, spodizators, masticators, pregustics, +tabachins, chachanins, neemanins, rabrebans, nercins, rozuins, nebidins, +tearins, segamions, perarons, chasinins, sarins, soteins, aboth, enilins, +archasdarpenins, mebins, chabourins, and other officers, for whom I want +names; so she played 'em I don't know what sort of a tune or song, and they +were all immediately cured. + +Then those who were poisoned were had in, and she had no sooner given them +a song but they began to find a use for their legs, and up they got. Then +came on the deaf, the blind, and the dumb, and they too were restored to +their lost faculties and senses with the same remedy; which did so +strangely amaze us (and not without reason, I think) that down we fell on +our faces, remaining prostrate, like men ravished in ecstasy, and were not +able to utter one word through the excess of our admiration, till she came, +and having touched Pantagruel with a fine fragrant nosegay of white roses +which she held in her hand, thus made us recover our senses and get up. +Then she made us the following speech in byssin words, such as Parisatis +desired should be spoken to her son Cyrus, or at least of crimson alamode: + +The probity that scintillizes in the superfices of your persons informs my +ratiocinating faculty, in a most stupendous manner, of the radiant virtues +latent within the precious caskets and ventricles of your minds. For, +contemplating the mellifluous suavity of your thrice discreet reverences, +it is impossible not to be persuaded with facility that neither your +affections nor your intellects are vitiated with any defect or privation of +liberal and exalted sciences. Far from it, all must judge that in you are +lodged a cornucopia and encyclopaedia, an unmeasurable profundity of +knowledge in the most peregrine and sublime disciplines, so frequently the +admiration, and so rarely the concomitants of the imperite vulgar. This +gently compels me, who in preceding times indefatigably kept my private +affections absolutely subjugated, to condescend to make my application to +you in the trivial phrase of the plebeian world, and assure you that you +are well, more than most heartily welcome. + +I have no hand at making of speeches, quoth Panurge to me privately; +prithee, man, make answer to her for us, if thou canst. This would not +work with me, however; neither did Pantagruel return a word. So that Queen +Whims, or Queen Quintessence (which you please), perceiving that we stood +as mute as fishes, said: Your taciturnity speaks you not only disciples of +Pythagoras, from whom the venerable antiquity of my progenitors in +successive propagation was emaned and derives its original, but also +discovers, that through the revolution of many retrograde moons, you have +in Egypt pressed the extremities of your fingers with the hard tenants of +your mouths, and scalptized your heads with frequent applications of your +unguicules. In the school of Pythagoras, taciturnity was the symbol of +abstracted and superlative knowledge, and the silence of the Egyptians was +agnited as an expressive manner of divine adoration; this caused the +pontiffs of Hierapolis to sacrifice to the great deity in silence, +impercussively, without any vociferous or obstreperous sound. My design is +not to enter into a privation of gratitude towards you, but by a vivacious +formality, though matter were to abstract itself from me, excentricate to +you my cogitations. + +Having spoken this, she only said to her officers, Tabachins, a panacea; +and straight they desired us not to take it amiss if the queen did not +invite us to dine with her; for she never ate anything at dinner but some +categories, jecabots, emnins, dimions, abstractions, harborins, chelemins, +second intentions, carradoths, antitheses, metempsychoses, transcendent +prolepsies, and such other light food. + +Then they took us into a little closet lined through with alarums, where we +were treated God knows how. It is said that Jupiter writes whatever is +transacted in the world on the dipthera or skin of the Amalthaean goat that +suckled him in Crete, which pelt served him instead of a shield against the +Titans, whence he was nicknamed Aegiochos. Now, as I hate to drink water, +brother topers, I protest it would be impossible to make eighteen goatskins +hold the description of all the good meat they brought before us, though it +were written in characters as small as those in which were penned Homer's +Iliads, which Tully tells us he saw enclosed in a nutshell. + +For my part, had I one hundred mouths, as many tongues, a voice of iron, a +heart of oak, and lungs of leather, together with the mellifluous abundance +of Plato, yet I never could give you a full account of a third part of a +second of the whole. + +Pantagruel was telling me that he believed the queen had given the symbolic +word used among her subjects to denote sovereign good cheer, when she said +to her tabachins, A panacea; just as Lucullus used to say, In Apollo, when +he designed to give his friends a singular treat; though sometimes they +took him at unawares, as, among the rest, Cicero and Hortensius sometimes +used to do. + + + +Chapter 5.XXI. + +How the Queen passed her time after dinner. + +When we had dined, a chachanin led us into the queen's hall, and there we +saw how, after dinner, with the ladies and the princes of her court, she +used to sift, searce, bolt, range, and pass away time with a fine large +white and blue silk sieve. We also perceived how they revived ancient +sports, diverting themselves together at-- + +1. Cordax. 6. Phrygia. 11. Monogas. +2. Emmelia. 7. Thracia. 12. Terminalia. +3. Sicinnia. 8. Calabrisme. 13. Floralia. +4. Jambics. 9. Molossia. 14. Pyrrhice. +5. Persica. 10. Cernophorum. 15. (Nicatism.) + And a thousand other dances. + +(Motteux has the following footnote:--'1. A sort of country-dance. 2. A +still tragic dance. 3. Dancing and singing used at funerals. 4. Cutting +sarcasms and lampoons. 5. The Persian dance. 6. Tunes, whose measure +inspired men with a kind of divine fury. 7. The Thracian movement. 8. +Smutty verses. 9. A measure to which the Molossi of Epirus danced a +certain morrice. 10. A dance with bowls or pots in their hands. 11. A +song where one sings alone. 12. Sports at the holidays of the god of +bounds. 13. Dancing naked at Flora's holidays. 14. The Trojan dance in +armour.') + +Afterwards she gave orders that they should show us the apartments and +curiosities in her palace. Accordingly we saw there such new, strange, and +wonderful things, that I am still ravished in admiration every time I think +of't. However, nothing surprised us more than what was done by the +gentlemen of her household, abstractors, parazons, nebidins, spodizators, +and others, who freely and without the least dissembling told us that the +queen their mistress did all impossible things, and cured men of incurable +diseases; and they, her officers, used to do the rest. + +I saw there a young parazon cure many of the new consumption, I mean the +pox, though they were never so peppered. Had it been the rankest Roan ague +(Anglice, the Covent-garden gout), 'twas all one to him; touching only +their dentiform vertebrae thrice with a piece of a wooden shoe, he made +them as wholesome as so many sucking-pigs. + +Another did thoroughly cure folks of dropsies, tympanies, ascites, and +hyposarcides, striking them on the belly nine times with a Tenedian +hatchet, without any solution of the continuum. + +Another cured all manner of fevers and agues on the spot, only with hanging +a fox-tail on the left side of the patient's girdle. + +One removed the toothache only with washing thrice the root of the aching +tooth with elder-vinegar, and letting it dry half-an-hour in the sun. + +Another the gout, whether hot or cold, natural or accidental, by barely +making the gouty person shut his mouth and open his eyes. + +I saw another ease nine gentlemen of St. Francis's distemper ('A +consumption in the pocket, or want of money; those of St. Francis's order +must carry none about 'em.'--Motteux.) in a very short space of time, +having clapped a rope about their necks, at the end of which hung a box +with ten thousand gold crowns in't. + +One with a wonderful engine threw the houses out at the windows, by which +means they were purged of all pestilential air. + +Another cured all the three kinds of hectics, the tabid, atrophes, and +emaciated, without bathing, Tabian milk, dropax, alias depilatory, or other +such medicaments, only turning the consumptive for three months into monks; +and he assured me that if they did not grow fat and plump in a monastic way +of living, they never would be fattened in this world, either by nature or +by art. + +I saw another surrounded with a crowd of two sorts of women. Some were +young, quaint, clever, neat, pretty, juicy, tight, brisk, buxom, proper, +kind-hearted, and as right as my leg, to any man's thinking. The rest were +old, weather-beaten, over-ridden, toothless, blear-eyed, tough, wrinkled, +shrivelled, tawny, mouldy, phthisicky, decrepit hags, beldams, and walking +carcasses. We were told that his office was to cast anew those she-pieces +of antiquity, and make them such as the pretty creatures whom we saw, who +had been made young again that day, recovering at once the beauty, shape, +size, and disposition which they enjoyed at sixteen; except their heels, +that were now much shorter than in their former youth. + +This made them yet more apt to fall backwards whenever any man happened to +touch 'em, than they had been before. As for their counterparts, the old +mother-scratch-tobies, they most devoutly waited for the blessed hour when +the batch that was in the oven was to be drawn, that they might have their +turns, and in a mighty haste they were pulling and hauling the man like +mad, telling him that 'tis the most grievous and intolerable thing in +nature for the tail to be on fire and the head to scare away those who +should quench it. + +The officer had his hands full, never wanting patients; neither did his +place bring him in little, you may swear. Pantagruel asked him whether he +could also make old men young again. He said he could not. But the way to +make them new men was to get 'em to cohabit with a new-cast female; for +this they caught that fifth kind of crinckams, which some call pellade, in +Greek, ophiasis, that makes them cast off their old hair and skin, just as +the serpents do, and thus their youth is renewed like the Arabian +phoenix's. This is the true fountain of youth, for there the old and +decrepit become young, active, and lusty. + +Just so, as Euripides tells us, Iolaus was transmogrified; and thus Phaon, +for whom kind-hearted Sappho run wild, grew young again, for Venus's use; +so Tithon by Aurora's means; so Aeson by Medea, and Jason also, who, if +you'll believe Pherecides and Simonides, was new-vamped and dyed by that +witch; and so were the nurses of jolly Bacchus, and their husbands, as +Aeschylus relates. + + + +Chapter 5.XXII. + +How Queen Whims' officers were employed; and how the said lady retained us +among her abstractors. + +I then saw a great number of the queen's officers, who made blackamoors +white as fast as hops, just rubbing their bellies with the bottom of a +pannier. + +Others, with three couples of foxes in one yoke, ploughed a sandy shore, +and did not lose their seed. + +Others washed burnt tiles, and made them lose their colour. + +Others extracted water out of pumice-stones, braying them a good while in a +mortar, and changed their substance. + +Others sheared asses, and thus got long fleece wool. + +Others gathered barberries and figs off of thistles. + +Others stroked he-goats by the dugs, and saved their milk in a sieve; and +much they got by it. + +(Others washed asses' heads without losing their soap.) + +Others taught cows to dance, and did not lose their fiddling. + +Others pitched nets to catch the wind, and took cock-lobsters in them. + +I saw a spodizator, who very artificially got farts out of a dead ass, and +sold 'em for fivepence an ell. + +Another did putrefy beetles. O the dainty food! + +Poor Panurge fairly cast up his accounts, and gave up his halfpenny (i.e. +vomited), seeing an archasdarpenin who laid a huge plenty of chamber lye to +putrefy in horsedung, mishmashed with abundance of Christian sir-reverence. +Pugh, fie upon him, nasty dog! However, he told us that with this sacred +distillation he watered kings and princes, and made their sweet lives a +fathom or two the longer. + +Others built churches to jump over the steeples. + +Others set carts before the horses, and began to flay eels at the tail; +neither did the eels cry before they were hurt, like those of Melun. + +Others out of nothing made great things, and made great things return to +nothing. + +Others cut fire into steaks with a knife, and drew water with a fish-net. + +Others made chalk of cheese, and honey of a dog's t--d. + +We saw a knot of others, about a baker's dozen in number, tippling under an +arbour. They toped out of jolly bottomless cups four sorts of cool, +sparkling, pure, delicious, vine-tree sirup, which went down like mother's +milk; and healths and bumpers flew about like lightning. We were told that +these true philosophers were fairly multiplying the stars by drinking till +the seven were fourteen, as brawny Hercules did with Atlas. + +Others made a virtue of necessity, and the best of a bad market, which +seemed to me a very good piece of work. + +Others made alchemy (i.e. sir-reverence) with their teeth, and clapping +their hind retort to the recipient, made scurvy faces, and then squeezed. + +Others, in a large grass plot, exactly measured how far the fleas could go +at a hop, a step, and jump; and told us that this was exceedingly useful +for the ruling of kingdoms, the conduct of armies, and the administration +of commonwealths; and that Socrates, who first got philosophy out of +heaven, and from idling and trifling made it profitable and of moment, used +to spend half his philosophizing time in measuring the leaps of fleas, as +Aristophanes the quintessential affirms. + +I saw two gibroins by themselves keeping watch on the top of a tower, and +we were told they guarded the moon from the wolves. + +In a blind corner I met four more very hot at it, and ready to go to +loggerheads. I asked what was the cause of the stir and ado, the mighty +coil and pother they made. And I heard that for four livelong days those +overwise roisters had been at it ding-dong, disputing on three high, more +than metaphysical propositions, promising themselves mountains of gold by +solving them. The first was concerning a he-ass's shadow; the second, of +the smoke of a lantern; and the third of goat's hair, whether it were wool +or no. We heard that they did not think it a bit strange that two +contradictions in mode, form, figure, and time should be true; though I +will warrant the sophists of Paris had rather be unchristened than own so +much. + +While we were admiring all those men's wonderful doings, the evening star +already twinkling, the queen (God bless her!) appeared, attended with her +court, and again amazed and dazzled us. She perceived it, and said to us: + +What occasions the aberrations of human cogitations through the perplexing +labyrinths and abysses of admiration, is not the source of the effects, +which sagacious mortals visibly experience to be the consequential result +of natural causes. 'Tis the novelty of the experiment which makes +impressions on their conceptive, cogitative faculties; that do not previse +the facility of the operation adequately, with a subact and sedate +intellection, associated with diligent and congruous study. Consequently +let all manner of perturbation abdicate the ventricles of your brains, if +anyone has invaded them while they were contemplating what is transacted by +my domestic ministers. Be spectators and auditors of every particular +phenomenon and every individual proposition within the extent of my +mansion; satiate yourselves with all that can fall here under the +consideration of your visual or auscultating powers, and thus emancipate +yourselves from the servitude of crassous ignorance. And that you may be +induced to apprehend how sincerely I desire this in consideration of the +studious cupidity that so demonstratively emicates at your external organs, +from this present particle of time I retain you as my abstractors. Geber, +my principal Tabachin, shall register and initiate you at your departing. + +We humbly thanked her queenship without saying a word, accepting of the +noble office she conferred on us. + + + +Chapter 5.XXIII. + +How the Queen was served at dinner, and of her way of eating. + +Queen Whims after this said to her gentlemen: The orifice of the +ventricle, that ordinary embassador for the alimentation of all members, +whether superior or inferior, importunes us to restore, by the apposition +of idoneous sustenance, what was dissipated by the internal calidity's +action on the radical humidity. Therefore spodizators, gesinins, memains, +and parazons, be not culpable of dilatory protractions in the apposition of +every re-roborating species, but rather let them pullulate and superabound +on the tables. As for you, nobilissim praegustators, and my gentilissim +masticators, your frequently experimented industry, internected with +perdiligent sedulity and sedulous perdiligence, continually adjuvates you +to perficiate all things in so expeditious a manner that there is no +necessity of exciting in you a cupidity to consummate them. Therefore I +can only suggest to you still to operate as you are assuefacted +indefatigably to operate. + +Having made this fine speech, she retired for a while with part of her +women, and we were told that 'twas to bathe, as the ancients did more +commonly than we use nowadays to wash our hands before we eat. The tables +were soon placed, the cloth spread, and then the queen sat down. She ate +nothing but celestial ambrosia, and drank nothing but divine nectar. As +for the lords and ladies that were there, they, as well as we, fared on as +rare, costly, and dainty dishes as ever Apicius wot or dreamed of in his +life. + +When we were as round as hoops, and as full as eggs, with stuffing the gut, +an olla podrida ('Some call it an Olio. Rabelais Pot-pourry.'--Motteux.) +was set before us to force hunger to come to terms with us, in case it had +not granted us a truce; and such a huge vast thing it was that the plate +which Pythius Althius gave King Darius would hardly have covered it. The +olla consisted of several sorts of pottages, salads, fricassees, +saugrenees, cabirotadoes, roast and boiled meat, carbonadoes, swingeing +pieces of powdered beef, good old hams, dainty somates, cakes, tarts, a +world of curds after the Moorish way, fresh cheese, jellies, and fruit of +all sorts. All this seemed to me good and dainty; however, the sight of it +made me sigh; for alas! I could not taste a bit on't, so full I had filled +my puddings before, and a bellyful is a bellyful you know. Yet I must tell +you what I saw that seemed to me odd enough o' conscience; 'twas some +pasties in paste; and what should those pasties in paste be, d'ye think, +but pasties in pots? At the bottom I perceived store of dice, cards, +tarots ('Great cards on which many different things are figured.' +--Motteux.), luettes ('Pieces of ivory to play withal.'--Motteux.), +chessmen, and chequers, besides full bowls of gold crowns, for those who had +a mind to have a game or two and try their chance. Under this I saw a jolly +company of mules in stately trappings, with velvet footcloths, and a troop +of ambling nags, some for men and some for women; besides I don't know how +many litters all lined with velvet, and some coaches of Ferrara make; all +this for those who had a mind to take the air. + +This did not seem strange to me; but if anything did 'twas certainly the +queen's way of eating, and truly 'twas very new, and very odd; for she +chewed nothing, the good lady; not but that she had good sound teeth, and +her meat required to be masticated, but such was her highness's custom. +When her praegustators had tasted the meat, her masticators took it and +chewed it most nobly; for their dainty chops and gullets were lined through +with crimson satin, with little welts and gold purls, and their teeth were +of delicate white ivory. Thus, when they had chewed the meat ready for her +highness's maw, they poured it down her throat through a funnel of fine +gold, and so on to her craw. For that reason they told us she never +visited a close-stool but by proxy. + + + +Chapter 5.XXIV. + +How there was a ball in the manner of a tournament, at which Queen Whims +was present. + +After supper there was a ball in the form of a tilt or a tournament, not +only worth seeing, but also never to be forgotten. First, the floor of the +hall was covered with a large piece of velveted white and yellow chequered +tapestry, each chequer exactly square, and three full spans in breadth. + +Then thirty-two young persons came into the hall; sixteen of them arrayed +in cloth of gold, and of these eight were young nymphs such as the ancients +described Diana's attendants; the other eight were a king, a queen, two +wardens of the castle, two knights, and two archers. Those of the other +band were clad in cloth of silver. + +They posted themselves on the tapestry in the following manner: the kings +on the last line on the fourth square; so that the golden king was on a +white square, and the silvered king on a yellow square, and each queen by +her king; the golden queen on a yellow square, and the silvered queen on a +white one: and on each side stood the archers to guide their kings and +queens; by the archers the knights, and the wardens by them. In the next +row before 'em stood the eight nymphs; and between the two bands of nymphs +four rows of squares stood empty. + +Each band had its musicians, eight on each side, dressed in its livery; the +one with orange-coloured damask, the other with white; and all played on +different instruments most melodiously and harmoniously, still varying in +time and measure as the figure of the dance required. This seemed to me an +admirable thing, considering the numerous diversity of steps, back-steps, +bounds, rebounds, jerks, paces, leaps, skips, turns, coupes, hops, +leadings, risings, meetings, flights, ambuscadoes, moves, and removes. + +I was also at a loss when I strove to comprehend how the dancers could so +suddenly know what every different note meant; for they no sooner heard +this or that sound but they placed themselves in the place which was +denoted by the music, though their motions were all different. For the +nymphs that stood in the first file, as if they designed to begin the +fight, marched straight forwards to their enemies from square to square, +unless it were the first step, at which they were free to move over two +steps at once. They alone never fall back (which is not very natural to +other nymphs), and if any of them is so lucky as to advance to the opposite +king's row, she is immediately crowned queen of her king, and after that +moves with the same state and in the same manner as the queen; but till +that happens they never strike their enemies but forwards, and obliquely in +a diagonal line. However, they make it not their chief business to take +their foes; for, if they did, they would leave their queen exposed to the +adverse parties, who then might take her. + +The kings move and take their enemies on all sides square-ways, and only +step from a white square into a yellow one, and vice versa, except at their +first step the rank should want other officers than the wardens; for then +they can set 'em in their place, and retire by him. + +The queens take a greater liberty than any of the rest; for they move +backwards and forwards all manner of ways, in a straight line as far as +they please, provided the place be not filled with one of her own party, +and diagonally also, keeping to the colour on which she stands. + +The archers move backwards or forwards, far and near, never changing the +colour on which they stand. The knights move and take in a lineal manner, +stepping over one square, though a friend or foe stand upon it, posting +themselves on the second square to the right or left, from one colour to +another, which is very unwelcome to the adverse party, and ought to be +carefully observed, for they take at unawares. + +The wardens move and take to the right or left, before or behind them, like +the kings, and can advance as far as they find places empty; which liberty +the kings take not. + +The law which both sides observe is, at the end of the fight, to besiege +and enclose the king of either party, so that he may not be able to move; +and being reduced to that extremity, the battle is over, and he loses the +day. + +Now, to avoid this, there is none of either sex of each party but is +willing to sacrifice his or her life, and they begin to take one another on +all sides in time, as soon as the music strikes up. When anyone takes a +prisoner, he makes his honours, and striking him gently in the hand, puts +him out of the field and combat, and encamps where he stood. + +If one of the kings chance to stand where he might be taken, it is not +lawful for any of his adversaries that had discovered him to lay hold on +him; far from it, they are strictly enjoined humbly to pay him their +respects, and give him notice, saying, God preserve you, sir! that his +officers may relieve and cover him, or he may remove, if unhappily he could +not be relieved. However, he is not to be taken, but greeted with a +Good-morrow, the others bending the knee; and thus the tournament uses +to end. + + + +Chapter 5.XXV. + +How the thirty-two persons at the ball fought. + +The two companies having taken their stations, the music struck up, and +with a martial sound, which had something of horrid in it, like a point of +war, roused and alarmed both parties, who now began to shiver, and then +soon were warmed with warlike rage; and having got in readiness to fight +desperately, impatient of delay stood waiting for the charge. + +Then the music of the silvered band ceased playing, and the instruments of +the golden side alone were heard, which denoted that the golden party +attacked. Accordingly, a new movement was played for the onset, and we saw +the nymph who stood before the queen turn to the left towards her king, as +it were to ask leave to fight; and thus saluting her company at the same +time, she moved two squares forwards, and saluted the adverse party. + +Now the music of the golden brigade ceased playing, and their antagonists +began again. I ought to have told you that the nymph who began by saluting +her company, had by that formality also given them to understand that they +were to fall on. She was saluted by them in the same manner, with a full +turn to the left, except the queen, who went aside towards her king to the +right; and the same manner of salutation was observed on both sides during +the whole ball. + +The silvered nymph that stood before her queen likewise moved as soon as +the music of her party sounded a charge; her salutations, and those of her +side, were to the right, and her queen's to the left. She moved in the +second square forwards, and saluted her antagonists, facing the first +golden nymph; so that there was not any distance between them, and you +would have thought they two had been going to fight; but they only strike +sideways. + +Their comrades, whether silvered or golden, followed 'em in an intercalary +figure, and seemed to skirmish a while, till the golden nymph who had first +entered the lists, striking a silvered nymph in the hand on the right, put +her out of the field, and set herself in her place. But soon the music +playing a new measure, she was struck by a silvered archer, who after that +was obliged himself to retire. A silvered knight then sallied out, and the +golden queen posted herself before her king. + +Then the silvered king, dreading the golden queen's fury, removed to the +right, to the place where his warden stood, which seemed to him strong and +well guarded. + +The two knights on the left, whether golden or silvered, marched up, and on +either side took up many nymphs who could not retreat; principally the +golden knight, who made this his whole business; but the silvered knight +had greater designs, dissembling all along, and even sometimes not taking a +nymph when he could have done it, still moving on till he was come up to +the main body of the enemies in such a manner that he saluted their king +with a God save you, sir! + +The whole golden brigade quaked for fear and anger, those words giving +notice of their king's danger; not but that they could soon relieve him, +but because their king being thus saluted they were to lose their warden on +the right wing without any hopes of a recovery. Then the golden king +retired to the left, and the silvered knight took the golden warden, which +was a mighty loss to that party. However, they resolved to be revenged, +and surrounded the knight that he might not escape. He tried to get off, +behaving himself with a great deal of gallantry, and his friends did what +they could to save him; but at last he fell into the golden queen's hands, +and was carried off. + +Her forces, not yet satisfied, having lost one of her best men, with more +fury than conduct moved about, and did much mischief among their enemies. +The silvered party warily dissembled, watching their opportunity to be even +with them, and presented one of their nymphs to the golden queen, having +laid an ambuscado; so that the nymph being taken, a golden archer had like +to have seized the silvered queen. Then the golden knight undertakes to +take the silvered king and queen, and says, Good-morrow! Then the silvered +archer salutes them, and was taken by a golden nymph, and she herself by a +silvered one. + +The fight was obstinate and sharp. The wardens left their posts, and +advanced to relieve their friends. The battle was doubtful, and victory +hovered over both armies. Now the silvered host charge and break through +their enemy's ranks as far as the golden king's tent, and now they are +beaten back. The golden queen distinguishes herself from the rest by her +mighty achievements still more than by her garb and dignity; for at once +she takes an archer, and, going sideways, seizes a silvered warden. Which +thing the silvered queen perceiving, she came forwards, and, rushing on +with equal bravery, takes the last golden warden and some nymphs. The two +queens fought a long while hand to hand; now striving to take each other by +surprise, then to save themselves, and sometimes to guard their kings. +Finally, the golden queen took the silvered queen; but presently after she +herself was taken by the silvered archer. + +Then the silvered king had only three nymphs, an archer, and a warden left, +and the golden only three nymphs and the right knight, which made them +fight more slowly and warily than before. The two kings seemed to mourn +for the loss of their loving queens, and only studied and endeavoured to +get new ones out of all their nymphs to be raised to that dignity, and thus +be married to them. This made them excite those brave nymphs to strive to +reach the farthest rank, where stood the king of the contrary party, +promising them certainly to have them crowned if they could do this. The +golden nymphs were beforehand with the others, and out of their number was +created a queen, who was dressed in royal robes, and had a crown set on her +head. You need not doubt the silvered nymphs made also what haste they +could to be queens. One of them was within a step of the coronation place, +but there the golden knight lay ready to intercept her, so that she could +go no further. + +The new golden queen, resolved to show herself valiant and worthy of her +advancement to the crown, achieved great feats of arms. But in the +meantime the silvered knight takes the golden warden who guarded the camp; +and thus there was a new silvered queen, who, like the other, strove to +excel in heroic deeds at the beginning of her reign. Thus the fight grew +hotter than before. A thousand stratagems, charges, rallyings, retreats, +and attacks were tried on both sides; till at last the silvered queen, +having by stealth advanced as far as the golden king's tent, cried, God +save you, sir! Now none but his new queen could relieve him; so she +bravely came and exposed herself to the utmost extremity to deliver him out +of it. Then the silvered warden with his queen reduced the golden king to +such a stress that, to save himself, he was forced to lose his queen; but +the golden king took him at last. However, the rest of the golden party +were soon taken; and that king being left alone, the silvered party made +him a low bow, crying, Good morrow, sir! which denoted that the silvered +king had got the day. + +This being heard, the music of both parties loudly proclaimed the victory. +And thus the first battle ended to the unspeakable joy of all the +spectators. + +After this the two brigades took their former stations, and began to tilt a +second time, much as they had done before, only the music played somewhat +faster than at the first battle, and the motions were altogether different. +I saw the golden queen sally out one of the first, with an archer and a +knight, as it were angry at the former defeat, and she had like to have +fallen upon the silvered king in his tent among his officers; but having +been baulked in her attempt, she skirmished briskly, and overthrew so many +silvered nymphs and officers that it was a most amazing sight. You would +have sworn she had been another Penthesilea; for she behaved herself with +as much bravery as that Amazonian queen did at Troy. + +But this havoc did not last long; for the silvered party, exasperated by +their loss, resolved to perish or stop her progress; and having posted an +archer in ambuscado on a distant angle, together with a knight-errant, her +highness fell into their hands and was carried out of the field. The rest +were soon routed after the taking of their queen, who, without doubt, from +that time resolved to be more wary and keep near her king, without +venturing so far amidst her enemies unless with more force to defend her. +Thus the silvered brigade once more got the victory. + +This did not dishearten or deject the golden party; far from it. They soon +appeared again in the field to face their enemies; and being posted as +before, both the armies seemed more resolute and cheerful than ever. Now +the martial concert began, and the music was above a hemiole the quicker, +according to the warlike Phrygian mode, such as was invented by Marsyas. + +Then our combatants began to wheel about, and charge with such a swiftness +that in an instant they made four moves, besides the usual salutations. So +that they were continually in action, flying, hovering, jumping, vaulting, +curvetting, with petauristical turns and motions, and often intermingled. + +Seeing them then turn about on one foot after they had made their honours, +we compared them to your tops or gigs, such as boys use to whip about, +making them turn round so swiftly that they sleep, as they call it, and +motion cannot be perceived, but resembles rest, its contrary; so that if +you make a point or mark on some part of one of those gigs, 'twill be +perceived not as a point, but a continual line, in a most divine manner, as +Cusanus has wisely observed. + +While they were thus warmly engaged, we heard continually the claps and +episemapsies which those of the two bands reiterated at the taking of their +enemies; and this, joined to the variety of their motions and music, would +have forced smiles out of the most severe Cato, the never-laughing Crassus, +the Athenian man-hater, Timon; nay, even whining Heraclitus, though he +abhorred laughing, the action that is most peculiar to man. For who could +have forborne? seeing those young warriors, with their nymphs and queens, +so briskly and gracefully advance, retire, jump, leap, skip, spring, fly, +vault, caper, move to the right, to the left, every way still in time, so +swiftly, and yet so dexterously, that they never touched one another but +methodically. + +As the number of the combatants lessened, the pleasure of the spectators +increased; for the stratagems and motions of the remaining forces were more +singular. I shall only add that this pleasing entertainment charmed us to +such a degree that our minds were ravished with admiration and delight, and +the martial harmony moved our souls so powerfully that we easily believed +what is said of Ismenias's having excited Alexander to rise from table and +run to his arms, with such a warlike melody. At last the golden king +remained master of the field; and while we were minding those dances, Queen +Whims vanished, so that we saw her no more from that day to this. + +Then Geber's michelots conducted us, and we were set down among her +abstractors, as her queenship had commanded. After that we returned to the +port of Mateotechny, and thence straight aboard our ships; for the wind was +fair, and had we not hoisted out of hand, we could hardly have got off in +three quarters of a moon in the wane. + + + +Chapter 5.XXVI. + +How we came to the island of Odes, where the ways go up and down. + +We sailed before the wind, between a pair of courses, and in two days made +the island of Odes, at which place we saw a very strange thing. The ways +there are animals; so true is Aristotle's saying, that all self-moving +things are animals. Now the ways walk there. Ergo, they are then animals. +Some of them are strange unknown ways, like those of the planets; others +are highways, crossways, and byways. I perceived that the travellers and +inhabitants of that country asked, Whither does this way go? Whither does +that way go? Some answered, Between Midy and Fevrolles, to the parish +church, to the city, to the river, and so forth. Being thus in their right +way, they used to reach their journey's end without any further trouble, +just like those who go by water from Lyons to Avignon or Arles. + +Now, as you know that nothing is perfect here below, we heard there was a +sort of people whom they called highwaymen, waybeaters, and makers of +inroads in roads; and that the poor ways were sadly afraid of them, and +shunned them as you do robbers. For these used to waylay them, as people +lay trains for wolves, and set gins for woodcocks. I saw one who was taken +up with a lord chief justice's warrant for having unjustly, and in spite of +Pallas, taken the schoolway, which is the longest. Another boasted that he +had fairly taken his shortest, and that doing so he first compassed his +design. Thus, Carpalin, meeting once Epistemon looking upon a wall with +his fiddle-diddle, or live urinal, in his hand, to make a little maid's +water, cried that he did not wonder now how the other came to be still the +first at Pantagruel's levee, since he held his shortest and least used. + +I found Bourges highway among these. It went with the deliberation of an +abbot, but was made to scamper at the approach of some waggoners, who +threatened to have it trampled under their horses' feet, and make their +waggons run over it, as Tullia's chariot did over her father's body. + +I also espied there the old way between Peronne and St. Quentin, which +seemed to me a very good, honest, plain way, as smooth as a carpet, and as +good as ever was trod upon by shoe of leather. + +Among the rocks I knew again the good old way to La Ferrare, mounted on a +huge bear. This at a distance would have put me in mind of St. Jerome's +picture, had but the bear been a lion; for the poor way was all mortified, +and wore a long hoary beard uncombed and entangled, which looked like the +picture of winter, or at least like a white-frosted bush. + +On that way were store of beads or rosaries, coarsely made of wild +pine-tree; and it seemed kneeling, not standing, nor lying flat; but its +sides and middle were beaten with huge stones, insomuch that it proved to us +at once an object of fear and pity. + +While we were examining it, a runner, bachelor of the place, took us aside, +and showing us a white smooth way, somewhat filled with straw, said, +Henceforth, gentlemen, do not reject the opinion of Thales the Milesian, +who said that water is the beginning of all things, nor that of Homer, who +tells us that all things derive their original from the ocean; for this +same way which you see here had its beginning from water, and is to return +whence she came before two months come to an end; now carts are driven here +where boats used to be rowed. + +Truly, said Pantagruel, you tell us no news; we see five hundred such +changes, and more, every year, in our world. Then reflecting on the +different manner of going of those moving ways, he told us he believed that +Philolaus and Aristarchus had philosophized in this island, and that +Seleucus (Motteux reads--'that some, indeed, were of opinion.'), indeed, +was of opinion the earth turns round about its poles, and not the heavens, +whatever we may think to the contrary; as, when we are on the river Loire, +we think the trees and the shore moves, though this is only an effect of +our boat's motion. + +As we went back to our ships, we saw three waylayers, who, having been +taken in ambuscado, were going to be broken on the wheel; and a huge +fornicator was burned with a lingering fire for beating a way and breaking +one of its sides; we were told it was the way of the banks of the Nile in +Egypt. + + + +Chapter 5.XXVII. + +How we came to the island of Sandals; and of the order of Semiquaver +Friars. + +Thence we went to the island of Sandals, whose inhabitants live on nothing +but ling-broth. However, we were very kindly received and entertained by +Benius the Third, king of the island, who, after he had made us drink, took +us with him to show us a spick-and-span new monastery which he had +contrived for the Semiquaver Friars; so he called the religious men whom he +had there. For he said that on t'other side the water lived friars who +styled themselves her sweet ladyship's most humble servants. Item, the +goodly Friar-minors, who are semibreves of bulls; the smoked-herring tribe +of Minim Friars; then the Crotchet Friars. So that these diminutives could +be no more than Semiquavers. By the statutes, bulls, and patents of Queen +Whims, they were all dressed like so many house-burners, except that, as in +Anjou your bricklayers use to quilt their knees when they tile houses, so +these holy friars had usually quilted bellies, and thick quilted paunches +were among them in much repute. Their codpieces were cut slipper-fashion, +and every monk among them wore two--one sewed before and another behind +--reporting that some certain dreadful mysteries were duly represented by +this duplicity of codpieces. + +They wore shoes as round as basins, in imitation of those who inhabit the +sandy sea. Their chins were close-shaved, and their feet iron-shod; and to +show they did not value fortune, Benius made them shave and poll the hind +part of their polls as bare as a bird's arse, from the crown to the +shoulder-blades; but they had leave to let their hair grow before, from the +two triangular bones in the upper part of the skull. + +Thus did they not value fortune a button, and cared no more for the goods +of this world than you or I do for hanging. And to show how much they +defied that blind jilt, all of them wore, not in their hands like her, but +at their waist, instead of beads, sharp razors, which they used to +new-grind twice a day and set thrice a night. + +Each of them had a round ball on their feet, because Fortune is said to +have one under hers. + +The flap of their cowls hanged forward, and not backwards, like those of +others. Thus none could see their noses, and they laughed without fear +both at fortune and the fortunate; neither more nor less than our ladies +laugh at barefaced trulls when they have those mufflers on which they call +masks, and which were formerly much more properly called charity, because +they cover a multitude of sins. + +The hind part of their faces were always uncovered, as are our faces, which +made them either go with their belly or the arse foremost, which they +pleased. When their hind face went forwards, you would have sworn this had +been their natural gait, as well on account of their round shoes as of the +double codpiece, and their face behind, which was as bare as the back of my +hand, and coarsely daubed over with two eyes and a mouth, such as you see +on some Indian nuts. Now, if they offered to waddle along with their +bellies forwards, you would have thought they were then playing at +blindman's buff. May I never be hanged if 'twas not a comical sight. + +Their way of living was thus: about owl-light they charitably began to +boot and spur one another. This being done, the least thing they did was +to sleep and snore; and thus sleeping, they had barnacles on the handles of +their faces, or spectacles at most. + +You may swear we did not a little wonder at this odd fancy; but they +satisfied us presently, telling us that the day of judgment is to take +mankind napping; therefore, to show they did not refuse to make their +personal appearance as fortune's darlings use to do, they were always thus +booted and spurred, ready to mount whenever the trumpet should sound. + +At noon, as soon as the clock struck, they used to awake. You must know +that their clock-bell, church-bells, and refectory-bells were all made +according to the pontial device, that is, quilted with the finest down, and +their clappers of fox-tails. + +Having then made shift to get up at noon, they pulled off their boots, and +those that wanted to speak with a maid, alias piss, pissed; those that +wanted to scumber, scumbered; and those that wanted to sneeze, sneezed. +But all, whether they would or no (poor gentlemen!), were obliged largely +and plentifully to yawn; and this was their first breakfast (O rigorous +statute!). Methought 'twas very comical to observe their transactions; +for, having laid their boots and spurs on a rack, they went into the +cloisters. There they curiously washed their hands and mouths; then sat +them down on a long bench, and picked their teeth till the provost gave the +signal, whistling through his fingers; then every he stretched out his jaws +as much as he could, and they gaped and yawned for about half-an-hour, +sometimes more, sometimes less, according as the prior judged the breakfast +to be suitable to the day. + +After that they went in procession, two banners being carried before them, +in one of which was the picture of Virtue, and that of Fortune in the +other. The last went before, carried by a semi-quavering friar, at whose +heels was another, with the shadow or image of Virtue in one hand and an +holy-water sprinkle in the other--I mean of that holy mercurial water which +Ovid describes in his Fasti. And as the preceding Semiquaver rang a +handbell, this shaked the sprinkle with his fist. With that says +Pantagruel, This order contradicts the rule which Tully and the academics +prescribed, that Virtue ought to go before, and Fortune follow. But they +told us they did as they ought, seeing their design was to breech, lash, +and bethwack Fortune. + +During the processions they trilled and quavered most melodiously betwixt +their teeth I do not know what antiphones, or chantings, by turns. For my +part, 'twas all Hebrew-Greek to me, the devil a word I could pick out on't; +at last, pricking up my ears, and intensely listening, I perceived they +only sang with the tip of theirs. Oh, what a rare harmony it was! How +well 'twas tuned to the sound of their bells! You'll never find these to +jar, that you won't. Pantagruel made a notable observation upon the +processions; for says he, Have you seen and observed the policy of these +Semiquavers? To make an end of their procession they went out at one of +their church doors and came in at the other; they took a deal of care not +to come in at the place whereat they went out. On my honour, these are a +subtle sort of people, quoth Panurge; they have as much wit as three folks, +two fools and a madman; they are as wise as the calf that ran nine miles to +suck a bull, and when he came there 'twas a steer. This subtlety and +wisdom of theirs, cried Friar John, is borrowed from the occult philosophy. +May I be gutted like an oyster if I can tell what to make on't. Then the +more 'tis to be feared, said Pantagruel; for subtlety suspected, subtlety +foreseen, subtlety found out, loses the essence and very name of subtlety, +and only gains that of blockishness. They are not such fools as you take +them to be; they have more tricks than are good, I doubt. + +After the procession they went sluggingly into the fratery-room, by the way +of walk and healthful exercise, and there kneeled under the tables, leaning +their breasts on lanterns. While they were in that posture, in came a huge +Sandal, with a pitchfork in his hand, who used to baste, rib-roast, +swaddle, and swinge them well-favouredly, as they said, and in truth +treated them after a fashion. They began their meal as you end yours, with +cheese, and ended it with mustard and lettuce, as Martial tells us the +ancients did. Afterwards a platterful of mustard was brought before every +one of them, and thus they made good the proverb, After meat comes mustard. + + Their diet was this: + +O' Sundays they stuffed their puddings with puddings, chitterlings, links, +Bologna sausages, forced-meats, liverings, hogs' haslets, young quails, and +teals. You must also always add cheese for the first course, and mustard +for the last. + +O' Mondays they were crammed with peas and pork, cum commento, and +interlineary glosses. + +O' Tuesdays they used to twist store of holy-bread, cakes, buns, puffs, +lenten loaves, jumbles, and biscuits. + +O' Wednesdays my gentlemen had fine sheep's heads, calves' heads, and +brocks' heads, of which there's no want in that country. + +O' Thursdays they guzzled down seven sorts of porridge, not forgetting +mustard. + +O' Fridays they munched nothing but services or sorb-apples; neither were +these full ripe, as I guessed by their complexion. + +O' Saturdays they gnawed bones; not that they were poor or needy, for every +mother's son of them had a very good fat belly-benefice. + +As for their drink, 'twas an antifortunal; thus they called I don't know +what sort of a liquor of the place. + +When they wanted to eat or drink, they turned down the back-points or flaps +of their cowls forwards below their chins, and that served 'em instead of +gorgets or slabbering-bibs. + +When they had well dined, they prayed rarely all in quavers and shakes; and +the rest of the day, expecting the day of judgment, they were taken up with +acts of charity, and particularly-- + +O' Sundays, rubbers at cuffs. + +O' Mondays, lending each other flirts and fillips on the nose. + +O' Tuesdays, clapperclawing one another. + +O' Wednesdays, sniting and fly-flapping. + +O' Thursdays, worming and pumping. + +O' Fridays, tickling. + +O' Saturdays, jerking and firking one another. + +Such was their diet when they resided in the convent, and if the prior of +the monk-house sent any of them abroad, then they were strictly enjoined +neither to touch nor eat any manner of fish as long as they were on sea or +rivers, and to abstain from all manner of flesh whenever they were at land, +that everyone might be convinced that, while they enjoyed the object, they +denied themselves the power, and even the desire, and were no more moved +with it than the Marpesian rock. + +All this was done with proper antiphones, still sung and chanted by ear, as +we have already observed. + +When the sun went to bed, they fairly booted and spurred each other as +before, and having clapped on their barnacles e'en jogged to bed too. At +midnight the Sandal came to them, and up they got, and having well whetted +and set their razors, and been a-processioning, they clapped the tables +over themselves, and like wire-drawers under their work fell to it as +aforesaid. + +Friar John des Entoumeures, having shrewdly observed these jolly Semiquaver +Friars, and had a full account of their statutes, lost all patience, and +cried out aloud: Bounce tail, and God ha' mercy guts; if every fool should +wear a bauble, fuel would be dear. A plague rot it, we must know how many +farts go to an ounce. Would Priapus were here, as he used to be at the +nocturnal festivals in Crete, that I might see him play backwards, and +wriggle and shake to the purpose. Ay, ay, this is the world, and t'other +is the country; may I never piss if this be not an antichthonian land, and +our very antipodes. In Germany they pull down monasteries and unfrockify +the monks; here they go quite kam, and act clean contrary to others, +setting new ones up, against the hair. + + + +Chapter 5.XXVIII. + +How Panurge asked a Semiquaver Friar many questions, and was only answered +in monosyllables. + +Panurge, who had since been wholly taken up with staring at these royal +Semiquavers, at last pulled one of them by the sleeve, who was as lean as a +rake, and asked him,-- + +Hearkee me, Friar Quaver, Semiquaver, Demisemiquavering quaver, where is +the punk? + +The Friar, pointing downwards, answered, There. + +Pan. Pray, have you many? Fri. Few. + +Pan. How many scores have you? Fri. One. + +Pan. How many would you have? Fri. Five. + +Pan. Where do you hide 'em? Fri. Here. + +Pan. I suppose they are not all of one age; but, pray, how is their shape? +Fri. Straight. + +Pan. Their complexion? Fri. Clear. + +Pan. Their hair? Fri. Fair. + +Pan. Their eyes? Fri. Black. + +Pan. Their features? Fri. Good. + +Pan. Their brows? Fri. Small. + +Pan. Their graces? Fri. Ripe. + +Pan. Their looks? Fri. Free. + +Pan. Their feet? Fri. Flat. + +Pan. Their heels? Fri. Short. + +Pan. Their lower parts? Fri. Rare. + +Pan. And their arms? Fri. Long. + +Pan. What do they wear on their hands? Fri. Gloves. + +Pan. What sort of rings on their fingers? Fri. Gold. + +Pan. What rigging do you keep 'em in? Fri. Cloth. + +Pan. What sort of cloth is it? Fri. New. + +Pan. What colour? Fri. Sky. + +Pan. What kind of cloth is it? Fri. Fine. + +Pan. What caps do they wear? Fri. Blue. + +Pan. What's the colour of their stockings? Fri. Red. + +Pan. What wear they on their feet? Fri. Pumps. + +Pan. How do they use to be? Fri. Foul. + +Pan. How do they use to walk? Fri. Fast. + +Pan. Now let us talk of the kitchen, I mean that of the harlots, and +without going hand over head let's a little examine things by particulars. +What is in their kitchens? Fri. Fire. + +Pan. What fuel feeds it? Fri. Wood. + +Pan. What sort of wood is't? Fri. Dry. + +Pan. And of what kind of trees? Fri. Yews. + +Pan. What are the faggots and brushes of? Fri. Holm. + +Pan. What wood d'ye burn in your chambers? Fri. Pine. + +Pan. And of what other trees? Fri. Lime. + +Pan. Hearkee me; as for the buttocks, I'll go your halves. Pray, how do +you feed 'em? Fri. Well. + +Pan. First, what do they eat? Fri. Bread. + +Pan. Of what complexion? Fri. White. + +Pan. And what else? Fri. Meat. + +Pan. How do they love it dressed? Fri. Roast. + +Pan. What sort of porridge? Fri. None. + +Pan. Are they for pies and tarts? Fri. Much. + +Pan. Then I'm their man. Will fish go down with them? Fri. Well. + +Pan. And what else? Fri. Eggs. + +Pan. How do they like 'em? Fri. Boiled. + +Pan. How must they be done? Fri. Hard. + +Pan. Is this all they have? Fri. No. + +Pan. What have they besides, then? Fri. Beef. + +Pan. And what else? Fri. Pork. + +Pan. And what more? Fri. Geese. + +Pan. What then? Fri. Ducks. + +Pan. And what besides? Fri. Cocks. + +Pan. What do they season their meat with? Fri. Salt. + +Pan. What sauce are they most dainty for? Fri. Must. + +Pan. What's their last course? Fri. Rice. + +Pan. And what else? Fri. Milk. + +Pan. What besides? Fri. Peas. + +Pan. What sort? Fri. Green. + +Pan. What do they boil with 'em? Fri. Pork. + +Pan. What fruit do they eat? Fri. Good. + +Pan. How? Fri. Raw. + +Pan. What do they end with? Fri. Nuts. + +Pan. How do they drink? Fri. Neat. + +Pan. What liquor? Fri. Wine. + +Pan. What sort? Fri. White. + +Pan. In winter? Fri. Strong. + +Pan. In the spring. Fri. Brisk. + +Pan. In summer? Fri. Cool. + +Pan. In autumn? Fri. New. + +Buttock of a monk! cried Friar John; how plump these plaguy trulls, these +arch Semiquavering strumpets, must be! That damned cattle are so high fed +that they must needs be high-mettled, and ready to wince and give two ups +for one go-down when anyone offers to ride them below the crupper. + +Prithee, Friar John, quoth Panurge, hold thy prating tongue; stay till I +have done. + +Till what time do the doxies sit up? Fri. Night. + +Pan. When do they get up? Fri. Late. + +Pan. May I ride on a horse that was foaled of an acorn, if this be not as +honest a cod as ever the ground went upon, and as grave as an old gate-post +into the bargain. Would to the blessed St. Semiquaver, and the blessed +worthy virgin St. Semiquavera, he were lord chief president (justice) of +Paris! Ods-bodikins, how he'd despatch! With what expedition would he +bring disputes to an upshot! What an abbreviator and clawer off of +lawsuits, reconciler of differences, examiner and fumbler of bags, peruser +of bills, scribbler of rough drafts, and engrosser of deeds would he not +make! Well, friar, spare your breath to cool your porridge. Come, let's +now talk with deliberation, fairly and softly, as lawyers go to heaven. +Let's know how you victual the venereal camp. How is the snatchblatch? +Fri. Rough. + +Pan. How is the gateway? Fri. Free. + +Pan. And how is it within? Fri. Deep. + +Pan. I mean, what weather is it there? Fri. Hot. + +Pan. What shadows the brooks? Fri. Groves. + +Pan. Of what's the colour of the twigs? Fri. Red. + +Pan. And that of the old? Fri. Grey. + +Pan. How are you when you shake? Fri. Brisk. + +Pan. How is their motion? Fri. Quick. + +Pan. Would you have them vault or wriggle more? Fri. Less. + +Pan. What kind of tools are yours? Fri. Big. + +Pan. And in their helves? Fri. Round. + +Pan. Of what colour is the tip? Fri. Red. + +Pan. When they've even used, how are they? Fri. Shrunk. + +Pan. How much weighs each bag of tools? Fri. Pounds. + +Pan. How hang your pouches? Fri. Tight. + +Pan. How are they when you've done? Fri. Lank. + +Pan. Now, by the oath you have taken, tell me, when you have a mind to +cohabit, how you throw 'em? Fri. Down. + +Pan. And what do they say then? Fri. Fie. + +Pan. However, like maids, they say nay, and take it; and speak the less, +but think the more, minding the work in hand; do they not? Fri. True. + +Pan. Do they get you bairns? Fri. None. + +Pan. How do you pig together? Fri. Bare. + +Pan. Remember you're upon your oath, and tell me justly and bona fide how +many times a day you monk it? Fri. Six. + +Pan. How many bouts a-nights? Fri. Ten. + +Catso, quoth Friar John, the poor fornicating brother is bashful, and +sticks at sixteen, as if that were his stint. Right, quoth Panurge, but +couldst thou keep pace with him, Friar John, my dainty cod? May the +devil's dam suck my teat if he does not look as if he had got a blow over +the nose with a Naples cowl-staff. + +Pan. Pray, Friar Shakewell, does your whole fraternity quaver and shake at +that rate? Fri. All. + +Pan. Who of them is the best cock o' the game? Fri. I. + +Pan. Do you never commit dry-bobs or flashes in the pan? Fri. None. + +Pan. I blush like any black dog, and could be as testy as an old cook when +I think on all this; it passes my understanding. But, pray, when you have +been pumped dry one day, what have you got the next? Fri. More. + +Pan. By Priapus, they have the Indian herb of which Theophrastus spoke, or +I'm much out. But, hearkee me, thou man of brevity, should some +impediment, honestly or otherwise, impair your talents and cause your +benevolence to lessen, how would it fare with you, then? Fri. Ill. + +Pan. What would the wenches do? Fri. Rail. + +Pan. What if you skipped, and let 'em fast a whole day? Fri. Worse. + +Pan. What do you give 'em then? Fri. Thwacks. + +Pan. What do they say to this? Fri. Bawl. + +Pan. And what else? Fri. Curse. + +Pan. How do you correct 'em? Fri. Hard. + +Pan. What do you get out of 'em then? Fri. Blood. + +Pan. How's their complexion then? Fri. Odd. + +Pan. What do they mend it with? Fri. Paint. + +Pan. Then what do they do? Fri. Fawn. + +Pan. By the oath you have taken, tell me truly what time of the year do +you do it least in? Fri. Now (August.). + +Pan. What season do you do it best in? Fri. March. + +Pan. How is your performance the rest of the year? Fri. Brisk. + +Then quoth Panurge, sneering, Of all, and of all, commend me to Ball; this +is the friar of the world for my money. You've heard how short, concise, +and compendious he is in his answers. Nothing is to be got out of him but +monosyllables. By jingo, I believe he would make three bites of a cherry. + +Damn him, cried Friar John, that's as true as I am his uncle. The dog +yelps at another gate's rate when he is among his bitches; there he is +polysyllable enough, my life for yours. You talk of making three bites of +a cherry! God send fools more wit and us more money! May I be doomed to +fast a whole day if I don't verily believe he would not make above two +bites of a shoulder of mutton and one swoop of a whole pottle of wine. +Zoons, do but see how down o' the mouth the cur looks! He's nothing but +skin and bones; he has pissed his tallow. + +Truly, truly, quoth Epistemon, this rascally monastical vermin all over the +world mind nothing but their gut, and are as ravenous as any kites, and +then, forsooth, they tell us they've nothing but food and raiment in this +world. 'Sdeath, what more have kings and princes? + + + +Chapter 5.XXIX. + +How Epistemon disliked the institution of Lent. + +Pray did you observe, continued Epistemon, how this damned ill-favoured +Semiquaver mentioned March as the best month for caterwauling? True, said +Pantagruel; yet Lent and March always go together, and the first was +instituted to macerate and bring down our pampered flesh, to weaken and +subdue its lusts, to curb and assuage the venereal rage. + +By this, said Epistemon, you may guess what kind of a pope it was who first +enjoined it to be kept, since this filthy wooden-shoed Semiquaver owns that +his spoon is never oftener nor deeper in the porringer of lechery than in +Lent. Add to this the evident reasons given by all good and learned +physicians, affirming that throughout the whole year no food is eaten that +can prompt mankind to lascivious acts more than at that time. + +As, for example, beans, peas, phasels, or long-peason, ciches, onions, +nuts, oysters, herrings, salt-meats, garum (a kind of anchovy), and salads +wholly made up of venereous herbs and fruits, as-- + +Rocket, Parsley, Hop-buds, +Nose-smart, Rampions, Figs, +Taragon, Poppy, Rice, +Cresses, Celery, Raisins, and others. + +It would not a little surprise you, said Pantagruel, should a man tell you +that the good pope who first ordered the keeping of Lent, perceiving that +at that time o' year the natural heat (from the centre of the body, whither +it was retired during the winter's cold) diffuses itself, as the sap does +in trees, through the circumference of the members, did therefore in a +manner prescribe that sort of diet to forward the propagation of mankind. +What makes me think so, is that by the registers of christenings at Touars +it appears that more children are born in October and November than in the +other ten months of the year, and reckoning backwards 'twill be easily +found that they were all made, conceived, and begotten in Lent. + +I listen to you with both my ears, quoth Friar John, and that with no small +pleasure, I'll assure you. But I must tell you that the vicar of Jambert +ascribed this copious prolification of the women, not to that sort of food +that we chiefly eat in Lent, but to the little licensed stooping mumpers, +your little booted Lent-preachers, your little draggle-tailed father +confessors, who during all that time of their reign damn all husbands that +run astray three fathom and a half below the very lowest pit of hell. So +the silly cod's-headed brothers of the noose dare not then stumble any more +at the truckle-bed, to the no small discomfort of their maids, and are even +forced, poor souls, to take up with their own bodily wives. Dixi; I have +done. + +You may descant on the institution of Lent as much as you please, cried +Epistemon; so many men so many minds; but certainly all the physicians will +be against its being suppressed, though I think that time is at hand. I +know they will, and have heard 'em say were it not for Lent their art would +soon fall into contempt, and they'd get nothing, for hardly anybody would +be sick. + +All distempers are sowed in lent; 'tis the true seminary and native bed of +all diseases; nor does it only weaken and putrefy bodies, but it also makes +souls mad and uneasy. For then the devils do their best, and drive a +subtle trade, and the tribe of canting dissemblers come out of their holes. +'Tis then term-time with your cucullated pieces of formality that have one +face to God and another to the devil; and a wretched clutter they make with +their sessions, stations, pardons, syntereses, confessions, whippings, +anathematizations, and much prayer with as little devotion. However, I'll +not offer to infer from this that the Arimaspians are better than we are in +that point; yet I speak to the purpose. + +Well, quoth Panurge to the Semiquaver friar, who happened to be by, dear +bumbasting, shaking, trilling, quavering cod, what thinkest thou of this +fellow? Is he a rank heretic? Fri. Much. + +Pan. Ought he not to be singed? Fri. Well. + +Pan. As soon as may be? Fri. Right. + +Pan. Should not he be scalded first? Fri. No. + +Pan. How then, should he be roasted? Fri. Quick. + +Pan. Till at last he be? Fri. Dead. + +Pan. What has he made you? Fri. Mad. + +Pan. What d'ye take him to be? Fri. Damned. + +Pan. What place is he to go to? Fri. Hell. + +Pan. But, first, how would you have 'em served here? Fri. Burnt. + +Pan. Some have been served so? Fri. Store. + +Pan. That were heretics? Fri. Less. + +Pan. And the number of those that are to be warmed thus hereafter is? +Fri. Great. + +Pan. How many of 'em do you intend to save? Fri. None. + +Pan. So you'd have them burned? Fri. All. + +I wonder, said Epistemon to Panurge, what pleasure you can find in talking +thus with this lousy tatterdemalion of a monk. I vow, did I not know you +well, I might be ready to think you had no more wit in your head than he +has in both his shoulders. Come, come, scatter no words, returned Panurge; +everyone as they like, as the woman said when she kissed her cow. I wish I +might carry him to Gargantua; when I'm married he might be my wife's fool. +And make you one, cried Epistemon. Well said, quoth Friar John. Now, poor +Panurge, take that along with thee, thou'rt e'en fitted; 'tis a plain case +thou'lt never escape wearing the bull's feather; thy wife will be as common +as the highway, that's certain. + + + +Chapter 5.XXX. + +How we came to the land of Satin. + +Having pleased ourselves with observing that new order of Semiquaver +Friars, we set sail, and in three days our skipper made the finest and most +delightful island that ever was seen. He called it the island of Frieze, +for all the ways were of frieze. + +In that island is the land of Satin, so celebrated by our court pages. Its +trees and herbage never lose their leaves or flowers, and are all damask +and flowered velvet. As for the beasts and birds, they are all of tapestry +work. There we saw many beasts, birds on trees, of the same colour, +bigness, and shape of those in our country; with this difference, however, +that these did eat nothing, and never sung or bit like ours; and we also +saw there many sorts of creatures which we never had seen before. + +Among the rest, several elephants in various postures; twelve of which were +the six males and six females that were brought to Rome by their governor +in the time of Germanicus, Tiberius's nephew. Some of them were learned +elephants, some musicians, others philosophers, dancers, and showers of +tricks; and all sat down at table in good order, silently eating and +drinking like so many fathers in a fratery-room. + +With their snouts or proboscises, some two cubits long, they draw up water +for their own drinking, and take hold of palm leaves, plums, and all manner +of edibles, using them offensively or defensively as we do our fists; with +them tossing men high into the air in fight, and making them burst with +laughing when they come to the ground. + +They have joints (in their legs), whatever some men, who doubtless never +saw any but painted, may have written to the contrary. Between their teeth +they have two huge horns; thus Juba called 'em, and Pausanias tells us they +are not teeth, but horns; however, Philostratus will have 'em to be teeth, +and not horns. 'Tis all one to me, provided you will be pleased to own +them to be true ivory. These are some three or four cubits long, and are +fixed in the upper jawbone, and consequently not in the lowermost. If you +hearken to those who will tell you to the contrary, you will find yourself +damnably mistaken, for that's a lie with a latchet; though 'twere Aelian, +that long-bow man, that told you so, never believe him, for he lies as fast +as a dog can trot. 'Twas in this very island that Pliny, his brother +tell-truth, had seen some elephants dance on the rope with bells, and whip +over the tables, presto, begone, while people were at feasts, without so +much as touching the toping topers or the topers toping. + +I saw a rhinoceros there, just such a one as Harry Clerberg had formerly +showed me. Methought it was not much unlike a certain boar which I had +formerly seen at Limoges, except the sharp horn on its snout, that was +about a cubit long; by the means of which that animal dares encounter with +an elephant, that is sometimes killed with its point thrust into its belly, +which is its most tender and defenceless part. + +I saw there two and thirty unicorns. They are a curst sort of creatures, +much resembling a fine horse, unless it be that their heads are like a +stag's, their feet like an elephant's, their tails like a wild boar's, and +out of each of their foreheads sprouts out a sharp black horn, some six or +seven feet long; commonly it dangles down like a turkey-cock's comb. When +a unicorn has a mind to fight, or put it to any other use, what does it do +but make it stand, and then 'tis as straight as an arrow. + +I saw one of them, which was attended with a throng of other wild beasts, +purify a fountain with its horn. With that Panurge told me that his +prancer, alias his nimble-wimble, was like the unicorn, not altogether in +length indeed, but in virtue and propriety; for as the unicorn purified +pools and fountains from filth and venom, so that other animals came and +drank securely there afterwards, in the like manner others might water +their nags, and dabble after him without fear of shankers, carnosities, +gonorrhoeas, buboes, crinkams, and such other plagues caught by those who +venture to quench their amorous thirst in a common puddle; for with his +nervous horn he removed all the infection that might be lurking in some +blind cranny of the mephitic sweet-scented hole. + +Well, quoth Friar John, when you are sped, that is, when you are married, +we will make a trial of this on thy spouse, merely for charity sake, since +you are pleased to give us so beneficial an instruction. + +Ay, ay, returned Panurge, and then immediately I'll give you a pretty +gentle aggregative pill of God, made up of two and twenty kind stabs with a +dagger, after the Caesarian way. Catso, cried Friar John, I had rather +take off a bumper of good cool wine. + +I saw there the golden fleece formerly conquered by Jason, and can assure +you, on the word of an honest man, that those who have said it was not a +fleece but a golden pippin, because melon signifies both an apple and a +sheep, were utterly mistaken. + +I saw also a chameleon, such as Aristotle describes it, and like that which +had been formerly shown me by Charles Maris, a famous physician of the +noble city of Lyons on the Rhone; and the said chameleon lived on air just +as the other did. + +I saw three hydras, like those I had formerly seen. They are a kind of +serpent, with seven different heads. + +I saw also fourteen phoenixes. I had read in many authors that there was +but one in the whole world in every century; but, if I may presume to speak +my mind, I declare that those who said this had never seen any, unless it +were in the land of Tapestry; though 'twere vouched by Claudian or +Lactantius Firmianus. + +I saw the skin of Apuleius's golden ass. + +I saw three hundred and nine pelicans. + +Item, six thousand and sixteen Seleucid birds marching in battalia, and +picking up straggling grasshoppers in cornfields. + +Item, some cynamologi, argatiles, caprimulgi, thynnunculs, onocrotals, or +bitterns, with their wide swallows, stymphalides, harpies, panthers, +dorcasses, or bucks, cemades, cynocephalises, satyrs, cartasans, tarands, +uri, monopses, or bonasi, neades, steras, marmosets, or monkeys, bugles, +musimons, byturoses, ophyri, screech-owls, goblins, fairies, and griffins. + +I saw Mid-Lent o' horseback, with Mid-August and Mid-March holding its +stirrups. + +I saw some mankind wolves, centaurs, tigers, leopards, hyenas, +camelopardals, and orixes, or huge wild goats with sharp horns. + +I saw a remora, a little fish called echineis by the Greeks, and near it a +tall ship that did not get ahead an inch, though she was in the offing with +top and top-gallants spread before the wind. I am somewhat inclined to +believe that 'twas the very numerical ship in which Periander the tyrant +happened to be when it was stopped by such a little fish in spite of wind +and tide. It was in this land of Satin, and in no other, that Mutianus had +seen one of them. + +Friar John told us that in the days of yore two sorts of fishes used to +abound in our courts of judicature, and rotted the bodies and tormented the +souls of those who were at law, whether noble or of mean descent, high or +low, rich or poor: the first were your April fish or mackerel (pimps, +panders, and bawds); the others your beneficial remoras, that is, the +eternity of lawsuits, the needless lets that keep 'em undecided. + +I saw some sphynges, some raphes, some ounces, and some cepphi, whose +fore-feet are like hands and their hind-feet like man's. + +Also some crocutas and some eali as big as sea-horses, with elephants' +tails, boars' jaws and tusks, and horns as pliant as an ass's ears. + +The crocutas, most fleet animals, as big as our asses of Mirebalais, have +necks, tails, and breasts like a lion's, legs like a stag's, have mouths up +to the ears, and but two teeth, one above and one below; they speak with +human voices, but when they do they say nothing. + +Some people say that none e'er saw an eyrie, or nest of sakers; if you'll +believe me, I saw no less than eleven, and I'm sure I reckoned right. + +I saw some left-handed halberds, which were the first that I had ever seen. + +I saw some manticores, a most strange sort of creatures, which have the +body of a lion, red hair, a face and ears like a man's, three rows of teeth +which close together as if you joined your hands with your fingers between +each other; they have a sting in their tails like a scorpion's, and a very +melodious voice. + +I saw some catablepases, a sort of serpents, whose bodies are small, but +their heads large, without any proportion, so that they've much ado to lift +them up; and their eyes are so infectious that whoever sees 'em dies upon +the spot, as if he had seen a basilisk. + +I saw some beasts with two backs, and those seemed to me the merriest +creatures in the world. They were most nimble at wriggling the buttocks, +and more diligent in tail-wagging than any water-wagtails, perpetually +jogging and shaking their double rumps. + +I saw there some milched crawfish, creatures that I never had heard of +before in my life. These moved in very good order, and 'twould have done +your heart good to have seen 'em. + + + +Chapter 5.XXXI. + +How in the land of Satin we saw Hearsay, who kept a school of vouching. + +We went a little higher up into the country of Tapestry, and saw the +Mediterranean Sea open to the right and left down to the very bottom; just +as the Red Sea very fairly left its bed at the Arabian Gulf to make a lane +for the Jews when they left Egypt. + +There I found Triton winding his silver shell instead of a horn, and also +Glaucus, Proteus, Nereus, and a thousand other godlings and sea monsters. + +I also saw an infinite number of fish of all kinds, dancing, flying, +vaulting, fighting, eating, breathing, billing, shoving, milting, spawning, +hunting, fishing, skirmishing, lying in ambuscado, making truces, +cheapening, bargaining, swearing, and sporting. + +In a blind corner we saw Aristotle holding a lantern in the posture in +which the hermit uses to be drawn near St. Christopher, watching, prying, +thinking, and setting everything down. + +Behind him stood a pack of other philosophers, like so many bums by a +head-bailiff, as Appian, Heliodorus, Athenaeus, Porphyrius, Pancrates, +Arcadian, Numenius, Possidonius, Ovidius, Oppianus, Olympius, Seleucus, +Leonides, Agathocles, Theophrastus, Damostratus, Mutianus, Nymphodorus, +Aelian, and five hundred other such plodding dons, who were full of +business, yet had little to do; like Chrysippus or Aristarchus of Soli, who +for eight-and-fifty years together did nothing in the world but examine the +state and concerns of bees. + +I spied Peter Gilles among these, with a urinal in his hand, narrowly +watching the water of those goodly fishes. + +When we had long beheld everything in this land of Satin, Pantagruel said, +I have sufficiently fed my eyes, but my belly is empty all this while, and +chimes to let me know 'tis time to go to dinner. Let's take care of the +body lest the soul abdicate it; and to this effect let's taste some of +these anacampserotes ('An herb, the touching of which is said to reconcile +lovers.'--Motteux.) that hang over our heads. Psha, cried one, they are +mere trash, stark naught, o' my word; they're good for nothing. + +I then went to pluck some mirobolans off of a piece of tapestry whereon +they hung, but the devil a bit I could chew or swallow 'em; and had you had +them betwixt your teeth you would have sworn they had been thrown silk; +there was no manner of savour in 'em. + +One might be apt to think Heliogabalus had taken a hint from thence, to +feast those whom he had caused to fast a long time, promising them a +sumptuous, plentiful, and imperial feast after it; for all the treat used +to amount to no more than several sorts of meat in wax, marble, +earthenware, painted and figured tablecloths. + +While we were looking up and down to find some more substantial food, we +heard a loud various noise, like that of paper-mills (or women bucking of +linen); so with all speed we went to the place whence the noise came, where +we found a diminutive, monstrous, misshapen old fellow, called Hearsay. +His mouth was slit up to his ears, and in it were seven tongues, each of +them cleft into seven parts. However, he chattered, tattled, and prated +with all the seven at once, of different matters, and in divers languages. + +He had as many ears all over his head and the rest of his body as Argus +formerly had eyes, and was as blind as a beetle, and had the palsy in his +legs. + +About him stood an innumerable number of men and women, gaping, listening, +and hearing very intensely. Among 'em I observed some who strutted like +crows in a gutter, and principally a very handsome bodied man in the face, +who held then a map of the world, and with little aphorisms compendiously +explained everything to 'em; so that those men of happy memories grew +learned in a trice, and would most fluently talk with you of a world of +prodigious things, the hundredth part of which would take up a man's whole +life to be fully known. + +Among the rest they descanted with great prolixity on the pyramids and +hieroglyphics of Egypt, of the Nile, of Babylon, of the Troglodytes, the +Hymantopodes, or crump-footed nation, the Blemiae, people that wear their +heads in the middle of their breasts, the Pigmies, the Cannibals, the +Hyperborei and their mountains, the Egypanes with their goat's feet, and +the devil and all of others; every individual word of it by hearsay. + +I am much mistaken if I did not see among them Herodotus, Pliny, Solinus, +Berosus, Philostratus, Pomponius Mela, Strabo, and God knows how many other +antiquaries. + +Then Albert, the great Jacobin friar, Peter Tesmoin, alias Witness, Pope +Pius the Second, Volaterranus, Paulus Jovius the valiant, Jemmy Cartier, +Chaton the Armenian, Marco Polo the Venetian, Ludovico Romano, Pedro +Aliares, and forty cartloads of other modern historians, lurking behind a +piece of tapestry, where they were at it ding-dong, privately scribbling +the Lord knows what, and making rare work of it; and all by hearsay. + +Behind another piece of tapestry (on which Naboth and Susanna's accusers +were fairly represented), I saw close by Hearsay, good store of men of the +country of Perce and Maine, notable students, and young enough. + +I asked what sort of study they applied themselves to; and was told that +from their youth they learned to be evidences, affidavit-men, and vouchers, +and were instructed in the art of swearing; in which they soon became such +proficients, that when they left that country, and went back into their +own, they set up for themselves and very honestly lived by their trade of +evidencing, positively giving their testimony of all things whatsoever to +those who feed them most roundly to do a job of journey-work for them; and +all this by hearsay. + +You may think what you will of it; but I can assure you they gave some of +us corners of their cakes, and we merrily helped to empty their hogsheads. +Then, in a friendly manner, they advised us to be as sparing of truth as +possibly we could if ever we had a mind to get court preferment. + + + +Chapter 5.XXXII. + +How we came in sight of Lantern-land. + +Having been but scurvily entertained in the land of Satin, we went o' +board, and having set sail, in four days came near the coast of +Lantern-land. We then saw certain little hovering fires on the sea. + +For my part, I did not take them to be lanterns, but rather thought they +were fishes which lolled their flaming tongues on the surface of the sea, +or lampyrides, which some call cicindelas, or glowworms, shining there as +ripe barley does o' nights in my country. + +But the skipper satisfied us that they were the lanterns of the watch, or, +more properly, lighthouses, set up in many places round the precinct of the +place to discover the land, and for the safe piloting in of some outlandish +lanterns, which, like good Franciscan and Jacobin friars, were coming to +make their personal appearance at the provincial chapter. + +However, some of us were somewhat suspicious that these fires were the +forerunners of some storm, but the skipper assured us again they were not. + + + +Chapter 5.XXXIII. + +How we landed at the port of the Lychnobii, and came to Lantern-land. + + +Soon after we arrived at the port of Lantern-land, where Pantagruel +discovered on a high tower the lantern of Rochelle, that stood us in good +stead, for it cast a great light. We also saw the lantern of Pharos, that +of Nauplion, and that of Acropolis at Athens, sacred to Pallas. + +Near the port there's a little hamlet inhabited by the Lychnobii, that live +by lanterns, as the gulligutted friars in our country live by nuns; they +are studious people, and as honest men as ever shit in a trumpet. +Demosthenes had formerly lanternized there. + +We were conducted from that place to the palace by three obeliscolichnys +('A kind of beacons.'--Motteux.), military guards of the port, with +high-crowned hats, whom we acquainted with the cause of our voyage, and our +design, which was to desire the queen of the country to grant us a lantern +to light and conduct us during our voyage to the Oracle of the Holy Bottle. + +They promised to assist us in this, and added that we could never have come +in a better time, for then the lanterns held their provincial chapter. + +When we came to the royal palace we had audience of her highness the Queen +of Lantern-land, being introduced by two lanterns of honour, that of +Aristophanes and that of Cleanthes (Motteux adds here--'Mistresses of the +ceremonies.'). Panurge in a few words acquainted her with the causes of +our voyage, and she received us with great demonstrations of friendship, +desiring us to come to her at supper-time that we might more easily make +choice of one to be our guide; which pleased us extremely. We did not fail +to observe intensely everything we could see, as the garbs, motions, and +deportment of the queen's subjects, principally the manner after which she +was served. + +The bright queen was dressed in virgin crystal of Tutia wrought damaskwise, +and beset with large diamonds. + +The lanterns of the royal blood were clad partly with bastard-diamonds, +partly with diaphanous stones; the rest with horn, paper, and oiled cloth. + +The cresset-lights took place according to the antiquity and lustre of +their families. + +An earthen dark-lantern, shaped like a pot, notwithstanding this took place +of some of the first quality; at which I wondered much, till I was told it +was that of Epictetus, for which three thousand drachmas had been formerly +refused. + +Martial's polymix lantern (Motteux gives a footnote:--'A lamp with many +wicks, or a branch'd candlestick with many springs coming out of it, that +supply all the branches with oil.') made a very good figure there. I took +particular notice of its dress, and more yet of the lychnosimity formerly +consecrated by Canopa, the daughter of Tisias. + +I saw the lantern pensile formerly taken out of the temple of Apollo +Palatinus at Thebes, and afterwards by Alexander the Great (carried to the +town of Cymos). (The words in brackets have been omitted by Motteux.) + +I saw another that distinguished itself from the rest by a bushy tuft of +crimson silk on its head. I was told 'twas that of Bartolus, the lantern +of the civilians. + +Two others were very remarkable for glister-pouches that dangled at their +waist. We were told that one was the greater light and the other the +lesser light of the apothecaries. + +When 'twas supper-time, the queen's highness first sat down, and then the +lady lanterns, according to their rank and dignity. For the first course +they were all served with large Christmas candles, except the queen, who +was served with a hugeous, thick, stiff, flaming taper of white wax, +somewhat red towards the tip; and the royal family, as also the provincial +lantern of Mirebalais, who were served with nutlights; and the provincial +of Lower Poitou, with an armed candle. + +After that, God wot, what a glorious light they gave with their wicks! I +do not say all, for you must except a parcel of junior lanterns, under the +government of a high and mighty one. These did not cast a light like the +rest, but seemed to me dimmer than any long-snuff farthing candle whose +tallow has been half melted away in a hothouse. + +After supper we withdrew to take some rest, and the next day the queen made +us choose one of the most illustrious lanterns to guide us; after which we +took our leave. + + + +Chapter 5.XXXIV. + +How we arrived at the Oracle of the Bottle. + +Our glorious lantern lighting and directing us to heart's content, we at +last arrived at the desired island where was the Oracle of the Bottle. As +soon as friend Panurge landed, he nimbly cut a caper with one leg for joy, +and cried to Pantagruel, Now we are where we have wished ourselves long +ago. This is the place we've been seeking with such toil and labour. He +then made a compliment to our lantern, who desired us to be of good cheer, +and not be daunted or dismayed whatever we might chance to see. + +To come to the Temple of the Holy Bottle we were to go through a large +vineyard, in which were all sorts of vines, as the Falernian, Malvoisian, +the Muscadine, those of Taige, Beaune, Mirevaux, Orleans, Picardent, +Arbois, Coussi, Anjou, Grave, Corsica, Vierron, Nerac, and others. This +vineyard was formerly planted by the good Bacchus, with so great a blessing +that it yields leaves, flowers, and fruit all the year round, like the +orange trees at Suraine. + +Our magnificent lantern ordered every one of us to eat three grapes, to put +some vine-leaves in his shoes, and take a vine-branch in his left hand. + +At the end of the close we went under an arch built after the manner of +those of the ancients. The trophies of a toper were curiously carved on +it. + +First, on one side was to be seen a long train of flagons, leathern +bottles, flasks, cans, glass bottles, barrels, nipperkins, pint pots, quart +pots, pottles, gallons, and old-fashioned semaises (swingeing wooden pots, +such as those out of which the Germans fill their glasses); these hung on a +shady arbour. + +On another side was store of garlic, onions, shallots, hams, botargos, +caviare, biscuits, neat's tongues, old cheese, and such like comfits, very +artificially interwoven, and packed together with vine-stocks. + +On another were a hundred sorts of drinking glasses, cups, cisterns, ewers, +false cups, tumblers, bowls, mazers, mugs, jugs, goblets, talboys, and such +other Bacchic artillery. + +On the frontispiece of the triumphal arch, under the zoophore, was the +following couplet: + + You who presume to move this way, + Get a good lantern, lest you stray. + +We took special care of that, cried Pantagruel when he had read them; for +there is not a better or a more divine lantern than ours in all +Lantern-land. + +This arch ended at a fine large round alley covered over with the interlaid +branches of vines, loaded and adorned with clusters of five hundred +different colours, and of as many various shapes, not natural, but due to +the skill of agriculture; some were golden, others bluish, tawny, azure, +white, black, green, purple, streaked with many colours, long, round, +triangular, cod-like, hairy, great-headed, and grassy. That pleasant alley +ended at three old ivy-trees, verdant, and all loaden with rings. Our +enlightened lantern directed us to make ourselves hats with some of their +leaves, and cover our heads wholly with them, which was immediately done. + +Jupiter's priestess, said Pantagruel, in former days would not like us have +walked under this arbour. There was a mystical reason, answered our most +perspicuous lantern, that would have hindered her; for had she gone under +it, the wine, or the grapes of which 'tis made, that's the same thing, had +been over her head, and then she would have seemed overtopped and mastered +by wine. Which implies that priests, and all persons who devote themselves +to the contemplation of divine things, ought to keep their minds sedate and +calm, and avoid whatever might disturb and discompose their tranquillity, +which nothing is more apt to do than drunkenness. + +You also, continued our lantern, could not come into the Holy Bottle's +presence, after you have gone through this arch, did not that noble +priestess Bacbuc first see your shoes full of vine-leaves; which action is +diametrically opposite to the other, and signifies that you despise wine, +and having mastered it, as it were, tread it under foot. + +I am no scholar, quoth Friar John, for which I'm heartily sorry, yet I find +by my breviary that in the Revelation a woman was seen with the moon under +her feet, which was a most wonderful sight. Now, as Bigot explained it to +me, this was to signify that she was not of the nature of other women; for +they have all the moon at their heads, and consequently their brains are +always troubled with a lunacy. This makes me willing to believe what you +said, dear Madam Lantern. + + + +Chapter 5.XXXV. + +How we went underground to come to the Temple of the Holy Bottle, and how +Chinon is the oldest city in the world. + +We went underground through a plastered vault, on which was coarsely +painted a dance of women and satyrs waiting on old Silenus, who was +grinning o' horseback on his ass. This made me say to Pantagruel, that +this entry put me in mind of the painted cellar in the oldest city in the +world, where such paintings are to be seen, and in as cool a place. + +Which is the oldest city in the world? asked Pantagruel. 'Tis Chinon, sir, +or Cainon in Touraine, said I. I know, returned Pantagruel, where Chinon +lies, and the painted cellar also, having myself drunk there many a glass +of cool wine; neither do I doubt but that Chinon is an ancient town +--witness its blazon. I own 'tis said twice or thrice: + + Chinon, + Little town, + Great renown, + On old stone + Long has stood; + There's the Vienne, if you look down; + If you look up, there's the wood. + +But how, continued he, can you make it out that 'tis the oldest city in the +world? Where did you find this written? I have found it in the sacred +writ, said I, that Cain was the first that built a town; we may then +reasonably conjecture that from his name he gave it that of Cainon. Thus, +after his example, most other founders of towns have given them their +names: Athena, that's Minerva in Greek, to Athens; Alexander to +Alexandria; Constantine to Constantinople; Pompey to Pompeiopolis in +Cilicia; Adrian to Adrianople; Canaan, to the Canaanites; Saba, to the +Sabaeans; Assur, to the Assyrians; and so Ptolemais, Caesarea, Tiberias, +and Herodium in Judaea got their names. + +While we were thus talking, there came to us the great flask whom our +lantern called the philosopher, her holiness the Bottle's governor. He was +attended with a troop of the temple-guards, all French bottles in wicker +armour; and seeing us with our javelins wrapped with ivy, with our +illustrious lantern, whom he knew, he desired us to come in with all manner +of safety, and ordered we should be immediately conducted to the Princess +Bacbuc, the Bottle's lady of honour, and priestess of all the mysteries; +which was done. + + + +Chapter 5.XXXVI. + +How we went down the tetradic steps, and of Panurge's fear. + +We went down one marble step under ground, where there was a resting, or, +as our workmen call it, a landing-place; then, turning to the left, we went +down two other steps, where there was another resting-place; after that we +came to three other steps, turning about, and met a third; and the like at +four steps which we met afterwards. There quoth Panurge, Is it here? How +many steps have you told? asked our magnificent lantern. One, two, three, +four, answered Pantagruel. How much is that? asked she. Ten, returned he. +Multiply that, said she, according to the same Pythagorical tetrad. That +is, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, cried Pantagruel. How much is the whole? +said she. One hundred, answered Pantagruel. Add, continued she, the first +cube--that's eight. At the end of that fatal number you'll find the temple +gate; and pray observe, this is the true psychogony of Plato, so celebrated +by the Academics, yet so little understood; one moiety of which consists of +the unity of the two first numbers full of two square and two cubic +numbers. We then went down those numerical stairs, all under ground, and I +can assure you, in the first place, that our legs stood us in good stead; +for had it not been for 'em, we had rolled just like so many hogsheads into +a vault. Secondly, our radiant lantern gave us just so much light as is in +St. Patrick's hole in Ireland, or Trophonius's pit in Boeotia; which caused +Panurge to say to her, after we had got down some seventy-eight steps: + +Dear madam, with a sorrowful, aching heart, I most humbly beseech your +lanternship to lead us back. May I be led to hell if I be not half dead +with fear; my heart is sunk down into my hose; I am afraid I shall make +buttered eggs in my breeches. I freely consent never to marry. You have +given yourself too much trouble on my account. The Lord shall reward you +in his great rewarder; neither will I be ungrateful when I come out of this +cave of Troglodytes. Let's go back, I pray you. I'm very much afraid this +is Taenarus, the low way to hell, and methinks I already hear Cerberus +bark. Hark! I hear the cur, or my ears tingle. I have no manner of +kindness for the dog, for there never is a greater toothache than when dogs +bite us by the shins. And if this be only Trophonius's pit, the lemures, +hobthrushes, and goblins will certainly swallow us alive, just as they +devoured formerly one of Demetrius's halberdiers for want of bridles. Art +thou here, Friar John? Prithee, dear, dear cod, stay by me; I'm almost +dead with fear. Hast thou got thy bilbo? Alas! poor pilgarlic's +defenceless. I'm a naked man, thou knowest; let's go back. Zoons, fear +nothing, cried Friar John; I'm by thee, and have thee fast by the collar; +eighteen devils shan't get thee out of my clutches, though I were unarmed. +Never did a man yet want weapons who had a good arm with as stout a heart. +Heaven would sooner send down a shower of them; even as in Provence, in the +fields of La Crau, near Mariannes, there rained stones (they are there to +this day) to help Hercules, who otherwise wanted wherewithal to fight +Neptune's two bastards. But whither are we bound? Are we a-going to the +little children's limbo? By Pluto, they'll bepaw and conskite us all. Or +are we going to hell for orders? By cob's body, I'll hamper, bethwack, and +belabour all the devils, now I have some vine-leaves in my shoes. Thou +shalt see me lay about me like mad, old boy. Which way? where the devil +are they? I fear nothing but their damned horns; but cuckoldy Panurge's +bull-feather will altogether secure me from 'em. Lo! in a prophetic spirit +I already see him, like another Actaeon, horned, horny, hornified. +Prithee, quoth Panurge, take heed thyself, dear frater, lest, till monks +have leave to marry, thou weddest something thou dostn't like, as some +cat-o'-nine-tails or the quartan ague; if thou dost, may I never come safe +and sound out of this hypogeum, this subterranean cave, if I don't tup and +ram that disease merely for the sake of making thee a cornuted, corniferous +property; otherwise I fancy the quartan ague is but an indifferent +bedfellow. I remember Gripe-men-all threatened to wed thee to some such +thing; for which thou calledest him heretic. + +Here our splendid lantern interrupted them, letting us know this was the +place where we were to have a taste of the creature, and be silent; bidding +us not despair of having the word of the Bottle before we went back, since +we had lined our shoes with vine-leaves. + +Come on then, cried Panurge, let's charge through and through all the +devils of hell; we can but perish, and that's soon done. However, I +thought to have reserved my life for some mighty battle. Move, move, move +forwards; I am as stout as Hercules, my breeches are full of courage; my +heart trembles a little, I own, but that's only an effect of the coldness +and dampness of this vault; 'tis neither fear nor ague. Come on, move on, +piss, pish, push on. My name's William Dreadnought. + + + +Chapter 5.XXXVII. + +How the temple gates in a wonderful manner opened of themselves. + +After we were got down the steps, we came to a portal of fine jasper, of +Doric order, on whose front we read this sentence in the finest gold, +EN OINO ALETHEIA--that is, In wine truth. The gates were of +Corinthian-like brass, massy, wrought with little vine-branches, finely +embossed and engraven, and were equally joined and closed together in their +mortise without padlock, key-chain, or tie whatsoever. Where they joined, +there hanged an Indian loadstone as big as an Egyptian bean, set in gold, +having two points, hexagonal, in a right line; and on each side, towards the +wall, hung a handful of scordium (garlic germander). + +There our noble lantern desired us not to take it amiss that she went no +farther with us, leaving us wholly to the conduct of the priestess Bacbuc; +for she herself was not allowed to go in, for certain causes rather to be +concealed than revealed to mortals. However, she advised us to be resolute +and secure, and to trust to her for the return. She then pulled the +loadstone that hung at the folding of the gates, and threw it into a silver +box fixed for that purpose; which done, from the threshold of each gate she +drew a twine of crimson silk about nine feet long, by which the scordium +hung, and having fastened it to two gold buckles that hung at the sides, +she withdrew. + +Immediately the gates flew open without being touched; not with a creaking +or loud harsh noise like that made by heavy brazen gates, but with a soft +pleasing murmur that resounded through the arches of the temple. + +Pantagruel soon knew the cause of it, having discovered a small cylinder or +roller that joined the gates over the threshold, and, turning like them +towards the wall on a hard well-polished ophites stone, with rubbing and +rolling caused that harmonious murmur. + +I wondered how the gates thus opened of themselves to the right and left, +and after we were all got in, I cast my eye between the gates and the wall +to endeavour to know how this happened; for one would have thought our kind +lantern had put between the gates the herb aethiopis, which they say opens +some things that are shut. But I perceived that the parts of the gates +that joined on the inside were covered with steel, and just where the said +gates touched when they were opened I saw two square Indian loadstones of a +bluish hue, well polished, and half a span broad, mortised in the temple +wall. Now, by the hidden and admirable power of the loadstones, the steel +plates were put into motion, and consequently the gates were slowly drawn; +however, not always, but when the said loadstone on the outside was +removed, after which the steel was freed from its power, the two bunches of +scordium being at the same time put at some distance, because it deadens +the magnes and robs it of its attractive virtue. + +On the loadstone that was placed on the right side the following iambic +verse was curiously engraven in ancient Roman characters: + + Ducunt volentem fata, nolentem trahunt. + + Fate leads the willing, and th' unwilling draws. + +The following sentence was neatly cut in the loadstone that was on the +left: + + ALL THINGS TEND TO THEIR END. + + + +Chapter 5.XXXVIII. + +Of the Temple's admirable pavement. + +When I had read those inscriptions, I admired the beauty of the temple, and +particularly the disposition of its pavement, with which no work that is +now, or has been under the cope of heaven, can justly be compared; not that +of the Temple of Fortune at Praeneste in Sylla's time, or the pavement of +the Greeks, called asarotum, laid by Sosistratus at Pergamus. For this +here was wholly in compartments of precious stones, all in their natural +colours: one of red jasper, most charmingly spotted; another of ophites; a +third of porphyry; a fourth of lycophthalmy, a stone of four different +colours, powdered with sparks of gold as small as atoms; a fifth of agate, +streaked here and there with small milk-coloured waves; a sixth of costly +chalcedony or onyx-stone; and another of green jasper, with certain red and +yellowish veins. And all these were disposed in a diagonal line. + +At the portico some small stones were inlaid and evenly joined on the +floor, all in their native colours, to embellish the design of the figures; +and they were ordered in such a manner that you would have thought some +vine-leaves and branches had been carelessly strewed on the pavement; for +in some places they were thick, and thin in others. That inlaying was very +wonderful everywhere. Here were seen, as it were in the shade, some snails +crawling on the grapes; there, little lizards running on the branches. On +this side were grapes that seemed yet greenish; on another, some clusters +that seemed full ripe, so like the true that they could as easily have +deceived starlings and other birds as those which Zeuxis drew. + +Nay, we ourselves were deceived; for where the artist seemed to have +strewed the vine-branches thickest, we could not forbear walking with great +strides lest we should entangle our feet, just as people go over an unequal +stony place. + +I then cast my eyes on the roof and walls of the temple, that were all +pargetted with porphyry and mosaic work, which from the left side at the +coming in most admirably represented the battle in which the good Bacchus +overthrew the Indians; as followeth. + + + +Chapter 5.XXXIX. + +How we saw Bacchus's army drawn up in battalia in mosaic work. + +At the beginning, divers towns, hamlets, castles, fortresses, and forests +were seen in flames; and several mad and loose women, who furiously ripped +up and tore live calves, sheep, and lambs limb from limb, and devoured +their flesh. There we learned how Bacchus, at his coming into India, +destroyed all things with fire and sword. + +Notwithstanding this, he was so despised by the Indians that they did not +think it worth their while to stop his progress, having been certainly +informed by their spies that his camp was destitute of warriors, and that +he had only with him a crew of drunken females, a low-built, old, +effeminate, sottish fellow, continually addled, and as drunk as a +wheelbarrow, with a pack of young clownish doddipolls, stark naked, always +skipping and frisking up and down, with tails and horns like those of young +kids. + +For this reason the Indians had resolved to let them go through their +country without the least opposition, esteeming a victory over such enemies +more dishonourable than glorious. + +In the meantime Bacchus marched on, burning everything; for, as you know, +fire and thunder are his paternal arms, Jupiter having saluted his mother +Semele with his thunder, so that his maternal house was ruined by fire. +Bacchus also caused a great deal of blood to be spilt; which, when he is +roused and angered, principally in war, is as natural to him as to make +some in time of peace. + +Thus the plains of the island of Samos are called Panema, which signifies +bloody, because Bacchus there overtook the Amazons, who fled from the +country of Ephesus, and there let 'em blood, so that they all died of +phlebotomy. This may give you a better insight into the meaning of an +ancient proverb than Aristotle has done in his problems, viz., Why 'twas +formerly said, Neither eat nor sow any mint in time of war. The reason is, +that blows are given then without any distinction of parts or persons, and +if a man that's wounded has that day handled or eaten any mint, 'tis +impossible, or at least very hard, to stanch his blood. + +After this, Bacchus was seen marching in battalia, riding in a stately +chariot drawn by six young leopards. He looked as young as a child, to +show that all good topers never grow old. He was as red as a cherry, or a +cherub, which you please, and had no more hair on his chin than there's in +the inside of my hand. His forehead was graced with pointed horns, above +which he wore a fine crown or garland of vine-leaves and grapes, and a +mitre of crimson velvet, having also gilt buskins on. + +He had not one man with him that looked like a man; his guards and all his +forces consisted wholly of Bassarides, Evantes, Euhyades, Edonides, +Trietherides, Ogygiae, Mimallonides, Maenades, Thyades, and Bacchae, +frantic, raving, raging, furious, mad women, begirt with live snakes and +serpents instead of girdles, dishevelled, their hair flowing about their +shoulders, with garlands of vine-branches instead of forehead-cloths, clad +with stag's or goat's skins, and armed with torches, javelins, spears, and +halberds whose ends were like pineapples. Besides, they had certain small +light bucklers that gave a loud sound if you touched 'em never so little, +and these served them instead of drums. They were just seventy-nine +thousand two hundred and twenty-seven. + +Silenus, who led the van, was one on whom Bacchus relied very much, having +formerly had many proofs of his valour and conduct. He was a diminutive, +stooping, palsied, plump, gorbellied old fellow, with a swingeing pair of +stiff-standing lugs of his own, a sharp Roman nose, large rough eyebrows, +mounted on a well-hung ass. In his fist he held a staff to lean upon, and +also bravely to fight whenever he had occasion to alight; and he was +dressed in a woman's yellow gown. His followers were all young, wild, +clownish people, as hornified as so many kids and as fell as so many +tigers, naked, and perpetually singing and dancing country-dances. They +were called tityri and satyrs, and were in all eighty-five thousand one +hundred and thirty-three. + +Pan, who brought up the rear, was a monstrous sort of a thing; for his +lower parts were like a goat's, his thighs hairy, and his horns bolt +upright; a crimson fiery phiz, and a beard that was none of the shortest. +He was a bold, stout, daring, desperate fellow, very apt to take pepper in +the nose for yea and nay. + +In his left hand he held a pipe, and a crooked stick in his right. His +forces consisted also wholly of satyrs, aegipanes, agripanes, sylvans, +fauns, lemures, lares, elves, and hobgoblins, and their number was +seventy-eight thousand one hundred and fourteen. The signal or word +common to all the army was Evohe. + + + +Chapter 5.XL. + +How the battle in which the good Bacchus overthrew the Indians was +represented in mosaic work. + +In the next place we saw the representation of the good Bacchus's +engagement with the Indians. Silenus, who led the van, was sweating, +puffing, and blowing, belabouring his ass most grievously. The ass +dreadfully opened its wide jaws, drove away the flies that plagued it, +winced, flounced, went back, and bestirred itself in a most terrible +manner, as if some damned gad-bee had stung it at the breech. + +The satyrs, captains, sergeants, and corporals of companies, sounding the +orgies with cornets, in a furious manner went round the army, skipping, +capering, bounding, jerking, farting, flying out at heels, kicking and +prancing like mad, encouraging their companions to fight bravely; and all +the delineated army cried out Evohe! + +First, the Maenades charged the Indians with dreadful shouts, and a horrid +din of their brazen drums and bucklers; the air rung again all around, as +the mosaic work well expressed it. And pray for the future don't so much +admire Apelles, Aristides the Theban, and others who drew claps of thunder, +lightnings, winds, words, manners, and spirits. + +We then saw the Indian army, who had at last taken the field to prevent the +devastation of the rest of their country. In the front were the elephants, +with castles well garrisoned on their backs. But the army and themselves +were put into disorder; the dreadful cries of the Bacchae having filled +them with consternation, and those huge animals turned tail and trampled on +the men of their party. + +There you might have seen gaffer Silenus on his ass, putting on as hard as +he could, striking athwart and alongst, and laying about him lustily with +his staff after the old fashion of fencing. His ass was prancing and +making after the elephants, gaping and martially braying, as it were to +sound a charge, as he did when formerly in the Bacchanalian feasts he waked +the nymph Lottis, when Priapus, full of priapism, had a mind to priapize +while the pretty creature was taking a nap. + +There you might have seen Pan frisk it with his goatish shanks about the +Maenades, and with his rustic pipe excite them to behave themselves like +Maenades. + +A little further you might have blessed your eyes with the sight of a young +satyr who led seventeen kings his prisoners; and a Bacchis, who with her +snakes hauled along no less than two and forty captains; a little faun, who +carried a whole dozen of standards taken from the enemy; and goodman +Bacchus on his chariot, riding to and fro fearless of danger, making much +of his dear carcass, and cheerfully toping to all his merry friends. + +Finally, we saw the representation of his triumph, which was thus: first, +his chariot was wholly lined with ivy gathered on the mountain Meros; this +for its scarcity, which you know raises the price of everything, and +principally of those leaves in India. In this Alexander the Great followed +his example at his Indian triumph. The chariot was drawn by elephants +joined together, wherein he was imitated by Pompey the Great at Rome in his +African triumph. The good Bacchus was seen drinking out of a mighty urn, +which action Marius aped after his victory over the Cimbri near Aix in +Provence. All his army were crowned with ivy; their javelins, bucklers, +and drums were also wholly covered with it; there was not so much as +Silenus's ass but was betrapped with it. + +The Indian kings were fastened with chains of gold close by the wheels of +the chariot. All the company marched in pomp with unspeakable joy, loaded +with an infinite number of trophies, pageants, and spoils, playing and +singing merry epiniciums, songs of triumph, and also rural lays and +dithyrambs. + +At the farthest end was a prospect of the land of Egypt; the Nile with its +crocodiles, marmosets, ibides, monkeys, trochiloses, or wrens, ichneumons, +or Pharoah's mice, hippopotami, or sea-horses, and other creatures, its +guests and neighbours. Bacchus was moving towards that country under the +conduct of a couple of horned beasts, on one of which was written in gold, +Apis, and Osiris on the other; because no ox or cow had been seen in Egypt +till Bacchus came thither. + + + +Chapter 5.XLI. + +How the temple was illuminated with a wonderful lamp. + +Before I proceed to the description of the Bottle, I'll give you that of an +admirable lamp that dispensed so large a light over all the temple that, +though it lay underground, we could distinguish every object as clearly as +above it at noonday. + +In the middle of the roof was fixed a ring of massive gold, as thick as my +clenched fist. Three chains somewhat less, most curiously wrought, hung +about two feet and a half below it, and in a triangle supported a round +plate of fine gold whose diameter or breadth did not exceed two cubits and +half a span. There were four holes in it, in each of which an empty ball +was fastened, hollow within, and open o' top, like a little lamp; its +circumference about two hands' breadth. Each ball was of precious stone; +one an amethyst, another an African carbuncle, the third an opal, and the +fourth an anthracites. They were full of burning water five times +distilled in a serpentine limbec, and inconsumptible, like the oil formerly +put into Pallas' golden lamp at Acropolis of Athens by Callimachus. In +each of them was a flaming wick, partly of asbestine flax, as of old in the +temple of Jupiter Ammon, such as those which Cleombrotus, a most studious +philosopher, saw, and partly of Carpasian flax (Ozell's correction. +Motteux reads, 'which Cleombrotus, a most studious philosopher, and +Pandelinus of Carpasium had, which were,' &c.), which were rather renewed +than consumed by the fire. + +About two foot and a half below that gold plate, the three chains were +fastened to three handles that were fixed to a large round lamp of most +pure crystal, whose diameter was a cubit and a half, and opened about two +hands' breadths o' top; by which open place a vessel of the same crystal, +shaped somewhat like the lower part of a gourd-like limbec, or an urinal, +was put at the bottom of the great lamp, with such a quantity of the +afore-mentioned burning water, that the flame of the asbestine wick reached +the centre of the great lamp. This made all its spherical body seem to burn +and be in a flame, because the fire was just at the centre and middle point, +so that it was not more easy to fix the eye on it than on the disc of the +sun, the matter being wonderfully bright and shining, and the work most +transparent and dazzling by the reflection of the various colours of the +precious stones whereof the four small lamps above the main lamp were made, +and their lustre was still variously glittering all over the temple. Then +this wandering light being darted on the polished marble and agate with +which all the inside of the temple was pargetted, our eyes were entertained +with a sight of all the admirable colours which the rainbow can boast when +the sun darts his fiery rays on some dropping clouds. + +The design of the lamp was admirable in itself, but, in my opinion, what +added much to the beauty of the whole, was that round the body of the +crystal lamp there was carved in cataglyphic work a lively and pleasant +battle of naked boys, mounted on little hobby-horses, with little whirligig +lances and shields that seemed made of vine-branches with grapes on them; +their postures generally were very different, and their childish strife and +motions were so ingeniously expressed that art equalled nature in every +proportion and action. Neither did this seem engraved, but rather hewed +out and embossed in relief, or at least like grotesque, which, by the +artist's skill, has the appearance of the roundness of the object it +represents. This was partly the effect of the various and most charming +light, which, flowing out of the lamp, filled the carved places with its +glorious rays. + + + +Chapter 5.XLII ('This and the next chapter make really but one, tho' Mr. +Motteux has made two of them; the first of which contains but eight lines, +according to him, and ends at the words fantastic fountain.'--Ozell.). + +How the Priestess Bacbuc showed us a fantastic fountain in the temple, and +how the fountain-water had the taste of wine, according to the imagination +of those who drank of it. + +While we were admiring this incomparable lamp and the stupendous structure +of the temple, the venerable priestess Bacbuc and her attendants came to us +with jolly smiling looks, and seeing us duly accoutred, without the least +difficulty took us into the middle of the temple, where, just under the +aforesaid lamp, was the fine fantastic fountain. She then ordered some +cups, goblets, and talboys of gold, silver, and crystal to be brought, and +kindly invited us to drink of the liquor that sprung there, which we +readily did; for, to say the truth, this fantastic fountain was very +inviting, and its materials and workmanship more precious, rare, and +admirable than anything Plato ever dreamt of in limbo. + +Its basis or groundwork was of most pure and limpid alabaster, and its +height somewhat more than three spans, being a regular heptagon on the +outside, with its stylobates or footsteps, arulets, cymasults or blunt +tops, and Doric undulations about it. It was exactly round within. On the +middle point of each angle brink stood a pillar orbiculated in form of +ivory or alabaster solid rings. These were seven in number, according to +the number of the angles (This sentence, restored by Ozell, is omitted by +Motteux.). + +Each pillar's length from the basis to the architraves was near seven +hands, taking an exact dimension of its diameter through the centre of its +circumference and inward roundness; and it was so disposed that, casting +our eyes behind one of them, whatever its cube might be, to view its +opposite, we found that the pyramidal cone of our visual line ended at the +said centre, and there, by the two opposites, formed an equilateral +triangle whose two lines divided the pillar into two equal parts. + +That which we had a mind to measure, going from one side to another, two +pillars over, at the first third part of the distance between them, was met +by their lowermost and fundamental line, which, in a consult line drawn as +far as the universal centre, equally divided, gave, in a just partition, +the distance of the seven opposite pillars in a right line, beginning at +the obtuse angle on the brink, as you know that an angle is always found +placed between two others in all angular figures odd in number. + +This tacitly gave us to understand that seven semidiameters are in +geometrical proportion, compass, and distance somewhat less than the +circumference of a circle, from the figure of which they are extracted; +that is to say, three whole parts, with an eighth and a half, a little +more, or a seventh and a half, a little less, according to the instructions +given us of old by Euclid, Aristotle, Archimedes, and others. + +The first pillar, I mean that which faced the temple gate, was of azure, +sky-coloured sapphire. + +The second, of hyacinth, a precious stone exactly of the colour of the +flower into which Ajax's choleric blood was transformed; the Greek letters +A I being seen on it in many places. + +The third, an anachite diamond, as bright and glittering as lightning. + +The fourth, a masculine ruby balas (peach-coloured) amethystizing, its +flame and lustre ending in violet or purple like an amethyst. + +The fifth, an emerald, above five hundred and fifty times more precious +than that of Serapis in the labyrinth of the Egyptians, and more verdant +and shining than those that were fixed, instead of eyes, in the marble +lion's head near King Hermias's tomb. + +The sixth, of agate, more admirable and various in the distinctions of its +veins, clouds, and colours than that which Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, so +mightily esteemed. + +The seventh, of syenites, transparent, of the colour of a beryl and the +clear hue of Hymetian honey; and within it the moon was seen, such as we +see it in the sky, silent, full, new, and in the wane. + +These stones were assigned to the seven heavenly planets by the ancient +Chaldaeans; and that the meanest capacities might be informed of this, just +at the central perpendicular line, on the chapter of the first pillar, +which was of sapphire, stood the image of Saturn in elutian (Motteux reads +'Eliacim.') lead, with his scythe in his hand, and at his feet a crane of +gold, very artfully enamelled, according to the native hue of the saturnine +bird. + +On the second, which was of hyacinth, towards the left, Jupiter was seen in +jovetian brass, and on his breast an eagle of gold enamelled to the life. + +On the third was Phoebus of the purest gold, and a white cock in his right +hand. + +On the fourth was Mars in Corinthian brass, and a lion at his feet. + +On the fifth was Venus in copper, the metal of which Aristonides made +Athamas's statue, that expressed in a blushing whiteness his confusion at +the sight of his son Learchus, who died at his feet of a fall. + +On the sixth was Mercury in hydrargyre. I would have said quicksilver, had +it not been fixed, malleable, and unmovable. That nimble deity had a stork +at his feet. + +On the seventh was the Moon in silver, with a greyhound at her feet. + +The size of these statues was somewhat more than a third part of the +pillars on which they stood, and they were so admirably wrought according +to mathematical proportion that Polycletus's canon could hardly have stood +in competition with them. + +The bases of the pillars, the chapters, the architraves, zoophores, and +cornices were Phrygian work of massive gold, purer and finer than any that +is found in the rivers Leede near Montpellier, Ganges in India, Po in +Italy, Hebrus in Thrace, Tagus in Spain, and Pactolus in Lydia. + +The small arches between the pillars were of the same precious stone of +which the pillars next to them were. Thus, that arch was of sapphire which +ended at the hyacinth pillar, and that was of hyacinth which went towards +the diamond, and so on. + +Above the arches and chapters of the pillars, on the inward front, a cupola +was raised to cover the fountain. It was surrounded by the planetary +statues, heptagonal at the bottom, and spherical o' top, and of crystal so +pure, transparent, well-polished, whole and uniform in all its parts, +without veins, clouds, flaws, or streaks, that Xenocrates never saw such a +one in his life. + +Within it were seen the twelve signs of the zodiac, the twelve months of +the year, with their properties, the two equinoxes, the ecliptic line, with +some of the most remarkable fixed stars about the antartic pole and +elsewhere, so curiously engraven that I fancied them to be the workmanship +of King Necepsus, or Petosiris, the ancient mathematician. + +On the top of the cupola, just over the centre of the fountain, were three +noble long pearls, all of one size, pear fashion, perfectly imitating a +tear, and so joined together as to represent a flower-de-luce or lily, each +of the flowers seeming above a hand's breadth. A carbuncle jetted out of +its calyx or cup as big as an ostrich's egg, cut seven square (that number +so beloved of nature), and so prodigiously glorious that the sight of it +had like to have made us blind, for the fiery sun or the pointed lightning +are not more dazzling and unsufferably bright. + +Now, were some judicious appraisers to judge of the value of this +incomparable fountain, and the lamp of which we have spoke, they would +undoubtedly affirm it exceeds that of all the treasures and curiosities in +Europe, Asia, and Africa put together. For that carbuncle alone would have +darkened the pantarbe of Iarchus (Motteux reads 'Joachas.') the Indian +magician, with as much ease as the sun outshines and dims the stars with +his meridian rays. + +Nor let Cleopatra, that Egyptian queen, boast of her pair of pendants, +those two pearls, one of which she caused to be dissolved in vinegar, in +the presence of Antony the Triumvir, her gallant. + +Or let Pompeia Plautina be proud of her dress covered all over with +emeralds and pearls curiously intermixed, she who attracted the eyes of all +Rome, and was said to be the pit and magazine of the conquering robbers of +the universe. + +The fountain had three tubes or channels of right pearl, seated in three +equilateral angles already mentioned, extended on the margin, and those +channels proceeded in a snail-like line, winding equally on both sides. + +We looked on them a while, and had cast our eyes on another side, when +Bacbuc directed us to watch the water. We then heard a most harmonious +sound, yet somewhat stopped by starts, far distant, and subterranean, by +which means it was still more pleasing than if it had been free, +uninterrupted, and near us, so that our minds were as agreeably entertained +through our ears with that charming melody as they were through the windows +of our eyes with those delightful objects. + +Bacbuc then said, Your philosophers will not allow that motion is begot by +the power of figures; look here, and see the contrary. By that single +snail-like motion, equally divided as you see, and a fivefold infoliature, +movable at every inward meeting, such as is the vena cava where it enters +into the right ventricle of the heart; just so is the flowing of this +fountain, and by it a harmony ascends as high as your world's ocean. + +She then ordered her attendants to make us drink; and, to tell you the +truth of the matter as near as possible, we are not, heaven be praised! of +the nature of a drove of calf-lollies, who (as your sparrows can't feed +unless you bob them on the tail) must be rib-roasted with tough crabtree +and firked into a stomach, or at least into an humour to eat or drink. No, +we know better things, and scorn to scorn any man's civility who civilly +invites us to a drinking bout. Bacbuc asked us then how we liked our tiff. +We answered that it seemed to us good harmless sober Adam's liquor, fit to +keep a man in the right way, and, in a word, mere element; more cool and +clear than Argyrontes in Aetolia, Peneus in Thessaly, Axius in Mygdonia, or +Cydnus in Cilicia, a tempting sight of whose cool silver stream caused +Alexander to prefer the short-lived pleasure of bathing himself in it to +the inconveniences which he could not but foresee would attend so +ill-termed an action. + +This, said Bacbuc, comes of not considering with ourselves, or +understanding the motions of the musculous tongue, when the drink glides on +it in its way to the stomach. Tell me, noble strangers, are your throats +lined, paved, or enamelled, as formerly was that of Pithyllus, nicknamed +Theutes, that you can have missed the taste, relish, and flavour of this +divine liquor? Here, said she, turning towards her gentlewomen, bring my +scrubbing-brushes, you know which, to scrape, rake, and clear their +palates. + +They brought immediately some stately, swingeing, jolly hams, fine +substantial neat's tongues, good hung-beef, pure and delicate botargos, +venison, sausages, and such other gullet-sweepers. And, to comply with her +invitation, we crammed and twisted till we owned ourselves thoroughly cured +of thirst, which before did damnably plague us. + +We are told, continued she, that formerly a learned and valiant Hebrew +chief, leading his people through the deserts, where they were in danger of +being famished, obtained of God some manna, whose taste was to them, by +imagination, such as that of meat was to them before in reality; thus, +drinking of this miraculous liquor, you'll find it taste like any wine that +you shall fancy you drink. Come, then, fancy and drink. We did so, and +Panurge had no sooner whipped off his brimmer but he cried, By Noah's open +shop, 'tis vin de Beaune, better than ever was yet tipped over tongue, or +may ninety-six devils swallow me. Oh! that to keep its taste the longer, +we gentlemen topers had but necks some three cubits long or so, as +Philoxenus desired to have, or, at least, like a crane's, as Melanthius +wished his. + +On the faith of true lanterners, quoth Friar John, 'tis gallant, sparkling +Greek wine. Now, for God's sake, sweetheart, do but teach me how the devil +you make it. It seems to me Mirevaux wine, said Pantagruel; for before I +drank I supposed it to be such. Nothing can be misliked in it, but that +'tis cold; colder, I say, than the very ice; colder than the Nonacrian and +Dercean (Motteux reads 'Deraen.') water, or the Conthoporian (Motteux, +'Conthopian.') spring at Corinth, that froze up the stomach and nutritive +parts of those that drank of it. + +Drink once, twice, or thrice more, said Bacbuc, still changing your +imagination, and you shall find its taste and flavour to be exactly that on +which you shall have pitched. Then never presume to say that anything is +impossible to God. We never offered to say such a thing, said I; far from +it, we maintain he is omnipotent. + + + +Chapter 5.XLIII. + +How the Priestess Bacbuc equipped Panurge in order to have the word of the +Bottle. + +When we had thus chatted and tippled, Bacbuc asked, Who of you here would +have the word of the Bottle? I, your most humble little funnel, an't +please you, quoth Panurge. Friend, saith she, I have but one thing to tell +you, which is, that when you come to the Oracle, you take care to hearken +and hear the word only with one ear. This, cried Friar John, is wine of +one ear, as Frenchmen call it. + +She then wrapped him up in a gaberdine, bound his noddle with a goodly +clean biggin, clapped over it a felt such as those through which hippocras +is distilled, at the bottom of which, instead of a cowl, she put three +obelisks, made him draw on a pair of old-fashioned codpieces instead of +mittens, girded him about with three bagpipes bound together, bathed his +jobbernowl thrice in the fountain; then threw a handful of meal on his +phiz, fixed three cock's feathers on the right side of the hippocratical +felt, made him take a jaunt nine times round the fountain, caused him to +take three little leaps and to bump his a-- seven times against the ground, +repeating I don't know what kind of conjurations all the while in the +Tuscan tongue, and ever and anon reading in a ritual or book of ceremonies, +carried after her by one of her mystagogues. + +For my part, may I never stir if I don't really believe that neither Numa +Pompilius, the second King of the Romans, nor the Cerites of Tuscia, and +the old Hebrew captain ever instituted so many ceremonies as I then saw +performed; nor were ever half so many religious forms used by the +soothsayers of Memphis in Egypt to Apis, or by the Euboeans, at Rhamnus +(Motteux gives 'or by the Embrians, or at Rhamnus.'), to Rhamnusia, or to +Jupiter Ammon, or to Feronia. + +When she had thus accoutred my gentleman, she took him out of our company, +and led him out of the temple, through a golden gate on the right, into a +round chapel made of transparent speculary stones, by whose solid clearness +the sun's light shined there through the precipice of the rock without any +windows or other entrance, and so easily and fully dispersed itself through +the greater temple that the light seemed rather to spring out of it than to +flow into it. + +The workmanship was not less rare than that of the sacred temple at +Ravenna, or that in the island of Chemnis in Egypt. Nor must I forget to +tell you that the work of that round chapel was contrived with such a +symmetry that its diameter was just the height of the vault. + +In the middle of it was an heptagonal fountain of fine alabaster most +artfully wrought, full of water, which was so clear that it might have +passed for element in its purity and singleness. The sacred Bottle was in +it to the middle, clad in pure fine crystal of an oval shape, except its +muzzle, which was somewhat wider than was consistent with that figure. + + + +Chapter 5.XLIV. + +How Bacbuc, the high-priestess, brought Panurge before the Holy Bottle. + +There the noble priestess Bacbuc made Panurge stoop and kiss the brink of +the fountain; then bade him rise and dance three ithymbi ('Dances in the +honour of Bacchus.'--Motteux.). Which done, she ordered him to sit down +between two stools placed there for that purpose, his arse upon the ground. +Then she opened her ceremonial book, and, whispering in his left ear, made +him sing an epileny, inserted here in the figure of the bottle. + + Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep + Do's ten thousand Secrets keep, + With attentive Ear I wait; + Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate. + Soul of Joy! Like Bacchus, we + More than India gain by thee. + Truths unborn thy Juice reveals, + Which Futurity conceals. + Antidote to Frauds and Lies, + Wine, that mounts us to the Skies, + May thy Father Noah's Brood + Like him drown, but in thy Flood. + Speak, so may the Liquid Mine + Of Rubies, or of Diamonds shine. + Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep + Do's ten thousand Secrets keep, + With attentive Ear I wait; + Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate. + +When Panurge had sung, Bacbuc threw I don't know what into the fountain, +and straight its water began to boil in good earnest, just for the world as +doth the great monastical pot at Bourgueil when 'tis high holiday there. +Friend Panurge was listening with one ear, and Bacbuc kneeled by him, when +such a kind of humming was heard out of the Bottle as is made by a swarm of +bees bred in the flesh of a young bull killed and dressed according to +Aristaeus's art, or such as is made when a bolt flies out of a crossbow, or +when a shower falls on a sudden in summer. Immediately after this was +heard the word Trinc. By cob's body, cried Panurge, 'tis broken, or +cracked at least, not to tell a lie for the matter; for even so do crystal +bottles speak in our country when they burst near the fire. + +Bacbuc arose, and gently taking Panurge under the arms, said, Friend, offer +your thanks to indulgent heaven, as reason requires. You have soon had the +word of the Goddess-Bottle; and the kindest, most favourable, and certain +word of answer that I ever yet heard her give since I officiated here at +her most sacred oracle. Rise, let us go to the chapter, in whose gloss +that fine word is explained. With all my heart, quoth Panurge; by jingo, I +am just as wise as I was last year. Light, where's the book? Turn it +over, where's the chapter? Let's see this merry gloss. + + + +Chapter 5.XLV. + +How Bacbuc explained the word of the Goddess-Bottle. + +Bacbuc having thrown I don't know what into the fountain, straight the +water ceased to boil; and then she took Panurge into the greater temple, in +the central place, where there was the enlivening fountain. + +There she took out a hugeous silver book, in the shape of a half-tierce, or +hogshead, of sentences, and, having filled it at the fountain, said to him, +The philosophers, preachers, and doctors of your world feed you up with +fine words and cant at the ears; now, here we really incorporate our +precepts at the mouth. Therefore I'll not say to you, read this chapter, +see this gloss; no, I say to you, taste me this fine chapter, swallow me +this rare gloss. Formerly an ancient prophet of the Jewish nation ate a +book and became a clerk even to the very teeth! Now will I have you drink +one, that you may be a clerk to your very liver. Here, open your +mandibules. + +Panurge gaping as wide as his jaws would stretch, Bacbuc took the silver +book--at least we took it for a real book, for it looked just for the world +like a breviary--but in truth it was a breviary, a flask of right Falernian +wine as it came from the grape, which she made him swallow every drop. + +By Bacchus, quoth Panurge, this was a notable chapter, a most authentic +gloss, o' my word. Is this all that the trismegistian Bottle's word means? +I' troth, I like it extremely; it went down like mother's milk. Nothing +more, returned Bacbuc; for Trinc is a panomphean word, that is, a word +understood, used and celebrated by all nations, and signifies drink. + +Some say in your world that sack is a word used in all tongues, and justly +admitted in the same sense among all nations; for, as Aesop's fable hath +it, all men are born with a sack at the neck, naturally needy and begging +of each other; neither can the most powerful king be without the help of +other men, or can anyone that's poor subsist without the rich, though he be +never so proud and insolent; as, for example, Hippias the philosopher, who +boasted he could do everything. Much less can anyone make shift without +drink than without a sack. Therefore here we hold not that laughing, but +that drinking is the distinguishing character of man. I don't say +drinking, taking that word singly and absolutely in the strictest sense; +no, beasts then might put in for a share; I mean drinking cool delicious +wine. For you must know, my beloved, that by wine we become divine; +neither can there be a surer argument or a less deceitful divination. Your +('Varro.'--Motteux) academics assert the same when they make the etymology +of wine, which the Greeks call OINOS, to be from vis, strength, virtue, +and power; for 'tis in its power to fill the soul with all truth, learning, +and philosophy. + +If you observe what is written in Ionic letters on the temple gate, you may +have understood that truth is in wine. The Goddess-Bottle therefore +directs you to that divine liquor; be yourself the expounder of your +undertaking. + +It is impossible, said Pantagruel to Panurge, to speak more to the purpose +than does this true priestess; you may remember I told you as much when you +first spoke to me about it. + +Trinc then: what says your heart, elevated by Bacchic enthusiasm? + +With this quoth Panurge: + + Trinc, trinc; by Bacchus, let us tope, + And tope again; for, now I hope + To see some brawny, juicy rump + Well tickled with my carnal stump. + Ere long, my friends, I shall be wedded, + Sure as my trap-stick has a red-head; + And my sweet wife shall hold the combat + Long as my baws can on her bum beat. + O what a battle of a-- fighting + Will there be, which I much delight in! + What pleasing pains then shall I take + To keep myself and spouse awake! + All heart and juice, I'll up and ride, + And make a duchess of my bride. + Sing Io paean! loudly sing + To Hymen, who all joys will bring. + Well, Friar John, I'll take my oath, + This oracle is full of troth; + Intelligible truth it bears, + More certain than the sieve and shears. + + + +Chapter 5.XLVI. + +How Panurge and the rest rhymed with poetic fury. + +What a pox ails the fellow? quoth Friar John. Stark staring mad, or +bewitched, o' my word! Do but hear the chiming dotterel gabble in rhyme. +What o' devil has he swallowed? His eyes roll in his loggerhead just for +the world like a dying goat's. Will the addle-pated wight have the grace +to sheer off? Will he rid us of his damned company, to go shite out his +nasty rhyming balderdash in some bog-house? Will nobody be so kind as to +cram some dog's-bur down the poor cur's gullet? or will he, monk-like, run +his fist up to the elbow into his throat to his very maw, to scour and +clear his flanks? Will he take a hair of the same dog? + +Pantagruel chid Friar John, and said: + + Bold monk, forbear! this, I'll assure ye, + Proceeds all from poetic fury; + Warmed by the god, inspired with wine, + His human soul is made divine. + For without jest, + His hallowed breast, + With wine possessed, + Could have no rest + Till he'd expressed + Some thoughts at least + Of his great guest. + Then straight he flies + Above the skies, + And mortifies, + With prophecies, + Our miseries. + And since divinely he's inspired, + Adore the soul by wine acquired, + And let the tosspot be admired. + +How, quoth the friar, the fit rhyming is upon you too? Is't come to that? +Then we are all peppered, or the devil pepper me. What would I not give to +have Gargantua see us while we are in this maggotty crambo-vein! Now may I +be cursed with living on that damned empty food, if I can tell whether I +shall scape the catching distemper. The devil a bit do I understand which +way to go about it; however, the spirit of fustian possesses us all, I +find. Well, by St. John, I'll poetize, since everybody does; I find it +coming. Stay, and pray pardon me if I don't rhyme in crimson; 'tis my +first essay. + + Thou, who canst water turn to wine, + Transform my bum, by power divine, + Into a lantern, that may light + My neighbour in the darkest night. + +Panurge then proceeds in his rapture, and says: + + From Pythian Tripos ne'er were heard + More truths, nor more to be revered. + I think from Delphos to this spring + Some wizard brought that conjuring thing. + Had honest Plutarch here been toping, + He then so long had ne'er been groping + To find, according to his wishes, + Why oracles are mute as fishes + At Delphos. Now the reason's clear; + No more at Delphos they're, but here. + Here is the tripos, out of which + Is spoke the doom of poor and rich. + For Athenaeus does relate + This Bottle is the Womb of Fate; + Prolific of mysterious wine, + And big with prescience divine, + It brings the truth with pleasure forth; + Besides you ha't a pennyworth. + So, Friar John, I must exhort you + To wait a word that may import you, + And to inquire, while here we tarry, + If it shall be your luck to marry. + +Friar John answers him in a rage, and says: + + How, marry! By St. Bennet's boot, + And his gambadoes, I'll never do't. + No man that knows me e'er shall judge + I mean to make myself a drudge; + Or that pilgarlic e'er will dote + Upon a paltry petticoat. + I'll ne'er my liberty betray + All for a little leapfrog play; + And ever after wear a clog + Like monkey or like mastiff-dog. + No, I'd not have, upon my life, + Great Alexander for my wife, + Nor Pompey, nor his dad-in-law, + Who did each other clapperclaw. + Not the best he that wears a head + Shall win me to his truckle-bed. + +Panurge, pulling off his gaberdine and mystical accoutrements, replied: + + Wherefore thou shalt, thou filthy beast, + Be damned twelve fathoms deep at least; + While I shall reign in Paradise, + Whence on thy loggerhead I'll piss. + Now when that dreadful hour is come, + That thou in hell receiv'st thy doom, + E'en there, I know, thou'lt play some trick, + And Proserpine shan't scape a prick + Of the long pin within thy breeches. + But when thou'rt using these capriches, + And caterwauling in her cavern, + Send Pluto to the farthest tavern + For the best wine that's to be had, + Lest he should see, and run horn-mad. + She's kind, and ever did admire + A well-fed monk or well-hung friar. + +Go to, quoth Friar John, thou old noddy, thou doddipolled ninny, go to the +devil thou'rt prating of. I've done with rhyming; the rheum gripes me at +the gullet. Let's talk of paying and going; come. + + + +Chapter 5.XLVII. + +How we took our leave of Bacbuc, and left the Oracle of the Holy Bottle. + +Do not trouble yourself about anything here, said the priestess to the +friar; if you be but satisfied, we are. Here below, in these circumcentral +regions, we place the sovereign good, not in taking and receiving, but in +bestowing and giving; so that we esteem ourselves happy, not if we take and +receive much of others, as perhaps the sects of teachers do in your world, +but rather if we impart and give much. All I have to beg of you is that +you leave us here your names in writing, in this ritual. She then opened a +fine large book, and as we gave our names one of her mystagogues with a +gold pin drew some lines on it, as if she had been writing; but we could +not see any characters. + +This done, she filled three glasses with fantastic water, and giving them +into our hands, said, Now, my friends, you may depart, and may that +intellectual sphere whose centre is everywhere and circumference nowhere, +whom we call GOD, keep you in his almighty protection. When you come into +your world, do not fail to affirm and witness that the greatest treasures +and most admirable things are hidden underground, and not without reason. + +Ceres was worshipped because she taught mankind the art of husbandry, and +by the use of corn, which she invented, abolished that beastly way of +feeding on acorns; and she grievously lamented her daughter's banishment +into our subterranean regions, certainly foreseeing that Proserpine would +meet with more excellent things, more desirable enjoyments, below, than she +her mother could be blessed with above. + +What do you think is become of the art of forcing the thunder and celestial +fire down, which the wise Prometheus had formerly invented? 'Tis most +certain you have lost it; 'tis no more on your hemisphere; but here below +we have it. And without a cause you sometimes wonder to see whole towns +burned and destroyed by lightning and ethereal fire, and are at a loss +about knowing from whom, by whom, and to what end those dreadful mischiefs +were sent. Now, they are familiar and useful to us; and your philosophers +who complain that the ancients have left them nothing to write of or to +invent, are very much mistaken. Those phenomena which you see in the sky, +whatever the surface of the earth affords you, and the sea, and every river +contain, is not to be compared with what is hid within the bowels of the +earth. + +For this reason the subterranean ruler has justly gained in almost every +language the epithet of rich. Now when your sages shall wholly apply their +minds to a diligent and studious search after truth, humbly begging the +assistance of the sovereign God, whom formerly the Egyptians in their +language called The Hidden and the Concealed, and invoking him by that +name, beseech him to reveal and make himself known to them, that Almighty +Being will, out of his infinite goodness, not only make his creatures, but +even himself known to them. + +Thus will they be guided by good lanterns. For all the ancient +philosophers and sages have held two things necessary safely and pleasantly +to arrive at the knowledge of God and true wisdom; first, God's gracious +guidance, then man's assistance. + +So, among the philosophers, Zoroaster took Arimaspes for the companion of +his travels; Aesculapius, Mercury; Orpheus, Musaeus; Pythagoras, +Aglaophemus; and, among princes and warriors, Hercules in his most +difficult achievements had his singular friend Theseus; Ulysses, Diomedes; +Aeneas, Achates. You followed their examples, and came under the conduct +of an illustrious lantern. Now, in God's name depart, and may he go along +with you! + +THE END OF THE FIFTH BOOK OF THE HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF THE NOBLE +PANTAGRUEL. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book V. +by Francois Rabelais + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, BOOK V. *** + +***** This file should be named 8170.txt or 8170.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/8/1/7/8170/ + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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