diff options
| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:31:04 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:31:04 -0700 |
| commit | 3f11fbeb8a2accf3afb7dade2d676511e3d80b32 (patch) | |
| tree | a228957f2671a8bfbbf4d90fdf13dbb676934770 /8170-h | |
Diffstat (limited to '8170-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 8170-h/8170-h.htm | 6324 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8170-h/images/5-03-544.jpg | bin | 0 -> 161406 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8170-h/images/5-13-564.jpg | bin | 0 -> 142004 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8170-h/images/5-28-600.jpg | bin | 0 -> 139625 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8170-h/images/5-35-618.jpg | bin | 0 -> 146606 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8170-h/images/frontispiece.jpg | bin | 0 -> 174520 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8170-h/images/portrait.jpg | bin | 0 -> 104277 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8170-h/images/portrait2.jpg | bin | 0 -> 67930 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8170-h/images/titlepage.jpg | bin | 0 -> 82740 bytes |
9 files changed, 6324 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/8170-h/8170-h.htm b/8170-h/8170-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..365ac37 --- /dev/null +++ b/8170-h/8170-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,6324 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + +<title>Rabelais: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book V. +</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {background:#faebd7; margin:15%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97% } + .figleft {float: left;} + .figright {float: right;} + .toc {margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + PRE {margin-left: 15%; font-size: 84%;} + // --> +</style> + +</head> +<body> + +<h2>Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book V.</h2> +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book V., by Francois Rabelais + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book V. + Five Books Of The Lives, Heroic Deeds And Sayings Of Gargantua And + His Son Pantagruel + + +Author: Francois Rabelais + +Release Date: August 8, 2004 [EBook #8170] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, BOOK V. *** + + + + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + +<h1> + MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS +</h1><br><br> +<h2> + FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, <br>HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF</h2> +<br><br> +<h1> + GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL +</h1><br><br> +<h2> + Book V. +</h2><br><br> +<a name="image-0001"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" height="887" width="568" +alt="He Did Cry Like a Cow--frontispiece +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<a name="image-0002"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" height="1023" width="632" +alt="Titlepage +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<br><br><br> +<h3> + Translated into English by +<br> + Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty +<br> + and +<br> + Peter Antony Motteux +</h3> + +<br><br><br> +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> + The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the + first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation. Footnotes initialled 'M.' + are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the + translator. Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in + 1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux's editorship. + Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708. Occasionally (as + the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from + the 1738 copy edited by Ozell.</p> +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<a name="image-0003"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/portrait2.jpg" height="435" width="540" +alt="Rabelais Dissecting Society--portrait2 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> + +<br><br><br> +<hr> +<br><br><br> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0001"> +THE FIFTH BOOK +</a></p> + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0001"> +Chapter 5.I.—How Pantagruel arrived at the Ringing Island, and of the noise that we heard. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0002"> +Chapter 5.II.—How the Ringing Island had been inhabited by the Siticines, who were become birds. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0003"> +Chapter 5.III.—How there is but one pope-hawk in the Ringing Island. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0004"> +Chapter 5.IV.—How the birds of the Ringing Island were all passengers. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0005"> +Chapter 5.V.—Of the dumb Knight-hawks of the Ringing Island. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0006"> +Chapter 5.VI.—How the birds are crammed in the Ringing Island. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0007"> +Chapter 5.VII.—How Panurge related to Master Aedituus the fable of the horse and the ass. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0008"> +Chapter 5.VIII.—How with much ado we got a sight of the pope-hawk. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0009"> +Chapter 5.IX.—How we arrived at the island of Tools. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0010"> +Chapter 5.X.—How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Sharping. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0011"> +Chapter 5.XI.—How we passed through the wicket inhabited by Gripe-men-all, Archduke of the Furred Law-cats. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0012"> +Chapter 5.XII.—How Gripe-men-all propounded a riddle to us. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0013"> +Chapter 5.XIII.—How Panurge solved Gripe-men-all's riddle. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0014"> +Chapter 5.XIV.—How the Furred Law-cats live on corruption. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0015"> +Chapter 5.XV.—How Friar John talks of rooting out the Furred Law-cats. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0016"> +Chapter 5.XVI.—How Pantagruel came to the island of the Apedefers, or Ignoramuses, with long claws and crooked paws, and of terrible adventures and monsters there. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0017"> +Chapter 5.XVII.—How we went forwards, and how Panurge had like to have been killed. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0018"> +Chapter 5.XVIII.—How our ships were stranded, and we were relieved by some people that were subject to Queen Whims (qui tenoient de la Quinte). +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0019"> +Chapter 5.XIX.—How we arrived at the queendom of Whims or Entelechy. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0020"> +Chapter 5.XX.—How the Quintessence cured the sick with a song. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0021"> +Chapter 5.XXI.—How the Queen passed her time after dinner. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0022"> +Chapter 5.XXII.—How Queen Whims' officers were employed; and how the said lady retained us among her abstractors. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0023"> +Chapter 5.XXIII.—How the Queen was served at dinner, and of her way of eating. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0024"> +Chapter 5.XXIV.—How there was a ball in the manner of a tournament, at which Queen Whims was present. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0025"> +Chapter 5.XXV.—How the thirty-two persons at the ball fought. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0026"> +Chapter 5.XXVI.—How we came to the island of Odes, where the ways go up and down. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0027"> +Chapter 5.XXVII.—How we came to the island of Sandals; and of the order of Semiquaver Friars. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0028"> +Chapter 5.XXVIII.—How Panurge asked a Semiquaver Friar many questions, and was only answered in monosyllables. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0029"> +Chapter 5.XXIX.—How Epistemon disliked the institution of Lent. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0030"> +Chapter 5.XXX.—How we came to the land of Satin. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0031"> +Chapter 5.XXXI.—How in the land of Satin we saw Hearsay, who kept a school of vouching. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0032"> +Chapter 5.XXXII.—How we came in sight of Lantern-land. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0033"> +Chapter 5.XXXIII.—How we landed at the port of the Lychnobii, and came to Lantern-land. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0034"> +Chapter 5.XXXIV.—How we arrived at the Oracle of the Bottle. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0035"> +Chapter 5.XXXV.—How we went underground to come to the Temple of the Holy Bottle, and how Chinon is the oldest city in the world. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0036"> +Chapter 5.XXXVI.—How we went down the tetradic steps, and of Panurge's fear. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0037"> +Chapter 5.XXXVII.—How the temple gates in a wonderful manner opened of themselves. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0038"> +Chapter 5.XXXVIII.—Of the Temple's admirable pavement. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0039"> +Chapter 5.XXXIX.—How we saw Bacchus's army drawn up in battalia in mosaic work. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0040"> +Chapter 5.XL.—How the battle in which the good Bacchus overthrew the Indians was represented in mosaic work. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0041"> +Chapter 5.XLI.—How the temple was illuminated with a wonderful lamp. +</a></p> + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0042"> +Chapter 5.XLII —How the Priestess Bacbuc showed us +a fantastic fountain in the temple, and how the fountain-water had the taste of wine, + according to the imagination of those who drank of it.</a></p> + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0043"> +Chapter 5.XLIII.—How the Priestess Bacbuc equipped Panurge in order to have the word of the Bottle. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0044"> +Chapter 5.XLIV.—How Bacbuc, the high-priestess, brought Panurge before the Holy Bottle. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0045"> +Chapter 5.XLV.—How Bacbuc explained the word of the Goddess-Bottle. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0046"> +Chapter 5.XLVI.—How Panurge and the rest rhymed with poetic fury. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0047"> +Chapter 5.XLVII.—How we took our leave of Bacbuc, and left the Oracle of the Holy Bottle. +</a></p> + +<br><br><br> +<hr> +<br><br><br> + +<h2>List of Illustrations</h2> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0001"> +He Did Cry Like a Cow—frontispiece +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0002"> +Titlepage +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0003"> +Rabelais Dissecting Society—portrait2 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0004"> +Francois Rabelais—portrait +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0005"> +The Master of Ringing Island—5-03-544 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0006"> +Furred Law Cats Scrambling After the Crowns—5-13-564 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0007"> +Friar John and Panurge—5-28-600 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0008"> +Humbly Beseech Your Lanternship—5-35-618 +</a></p> + +<br><br><br> +<hr> +<br><br><br> + + +<a name="2H_4_0001"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE FIFTH BOOK +</h2><br><br> +<h3> + The Author's Prologue. +</h3> +<p> + Indefatigable topers, and you, thrice precious martyrs of the smock, give + me leave to put a serious question to your worships while you are idly + striking your codpieces, and I myself not much better employed. Pray, why + is it that people say that men are not such sots nowadays as they were in + the days of yore? Sot is an old word that signifies a dunce, dullard, + jolthead, gull, wittol, or noddy, one without guts in his brains, whose + cockloft is unfurnished, and, in short, a fool. Now would I know whether + you would have us understand by this same saying, as indeed you logically + may, that formerly men were fools and in this generation are grown wise? + How many and what dispositions made them fools? How many and what + dispositions were wanting to make 'em wise? Why were they fools? How + should they be wise? Pray, how came you to know that men were formerly + fools? How did you find that they are now wise? Who the devil made 'em + fools? Who a God's name made 'em wise? Who d'ye think are most, those + that loved mankind foolish, or those that love it wise? How long has it + been wise? How long otherwise? Whence proceeded the foregoing folly? + Whence the following wisdom? Why did the old folly end now, and no later? + Why did the modern wisdom begin now, and no sooner? What were we the worse + for the former folly? What the better for the succeeding wisdom? How + should the ancient folly be come to nothing? How should this same new + wisdom be started up and established? +</p> +<p> + Now answer me, an't please you. I dare not adjure you in stronger terms, + reverend sirs, lest I make your pious fatherly worships in the least + uneasy. Come, pluck up a good heart; speak the truth and shame the devil. + Be cheery, my lads; and if you are for me, take me off three or five + bumpers of the best, while I make a halt at the first part of the sermon; + then answer my question. If you are not for me, avaunt! avoid, Satan! For + I swear by my great-grandmother's placket (and that's a horrid oath), that + if you don't help me to solve that puzzling problem, I will, nay, I already + do repent having proposed it; for still I must remain nettled and + gravelled, and a devil a bit I know how to get off. Well, what say you? + I'faith, I begin to smell you out. You are not yet disposed to give me an + answer; nor I neither, by these whiskers. Yet to give some light into the + business, I'll e'en tell you what had been anciently foretold in the matter + by a venerable doctor, who, being moved by the spirit in a prophetic vein, + wrote a book ycleped the Prelatical Bagpipe. What d'ye think the old + fornicator saith? Hearken, you old noddies, hearken now or never. +</p> +<pre> + The jubilee's year, when all like fools were shorn, + Is about thirty supernumerary. + O want of veneration! fools they seemed, + But, persevering, with long breves, at last + No more they shall be gaping greedy fools. + For they shall shell the shrub's delicious fruit, + Whose flower they in the spring so much had feared. +</pre> +<p> + Now you have it, what do you make on't? The seer is ancient, the style + laconic, the sentences dark like those of Scotus, though they treat of + matters dark enough in themselves. The best commentators on that good + father take the jubilee after the thirtieth to be the years that are + included in this present age till 1550 (there being but one jubilee every + fifty years). Men shall no longer be thought fools next green peas season. +</p> +<p> + The fools, whose number, as Solomon certifies, is infinite, shall go to pot + like a parcel of mad bedlamites as they are; and all manner of folly shall + have an end, that being also numberless, according to Avicenna, maniae + infinitae sunt species. Having been driven back and hidden towards the + centre during the rigour of the winter, 'tis now to be seen on the surface, + and buds out like the trees. This is as plain as a nose in a man's face; + you know it by experience; you see it. And it was formerly found out by + that great good man Hippocrates, Aphorism Verae etenim maniae, &c. This + world therefore wisifying itself, shall no longer dread the flower and + blossoms of every coming spring, that is, as you may piously believe, + bumper in hand and tears in eyes, in the woeful time of Lent, which used to + keep them company. +</p> +<p> + Whole cartloads of books that seemed florid, flourishing, and flowery, gay, + and gaudy as so many butterflies, but in the main were tiresome, dull, + soporiferous, irksome, mischievous, crabbed, knotty, puzzling, and dark as + those of whining Heraclitus, as unintelligible as the numbers of + Pythagoras, that king of the bean, according to Horace; those books, I say, + have seen their best days and shall soon come to nothing, being delivered + to the executing worms and merciless petty chandlers; such was their + destiny, and to this they were predestinated. +</p> +<p> + In their stead beans in cod are started up; that is, these merry and + fructifying Pantagruelian books, so much sought nowadays in expectation of + the following jubilee's period; to the study of which writings all people + have given their minds, and accordingly have gained the name of wise. +</p> +<p> + Now I think I have fairly solved and resolved your problem; then reform, + and be the better for it. Hem once or twice like hearts of oak; stand to + your pan-puddings, and take me off your bumpers, nine go-downs, and huzza! + since we are like to have a good vintage, and misers hang themselves. Oh! + they will cost me an estate in hempen collars if fair weather hold. For I + hereby promise to furnish them with twice as much as will do their business + on free cost, as often as they will take the pains to dance at a rope's end + providently to save charges, to the no small disappointment of the finisher + of the law. +</p> +<p> + Now, my friends, that you may put in for a share of this new wisdom, and + shake off the antiquated folly this very moment, scratch me out of your + scrolls and quite discard the symbol of the old philosopher with the golden + thigh, by which he has forbidden you to eat beans; for you may take it for + a truth granted among all professors in the science of good eating, that he + enjoined you not to taste of them only with the same kind intent that a + certain fresh-water physician had when he did forbid to Amer, late Lord of + Camelotiere, kinsman to the lawyer of that name, the wing of the partridge, + the rump of the chicken, and the neck of the pigeon, saying, Ala mala, + rumpum dubium, collum bonum, pelle remota. For the duncical dog-leech was + so selfish as to reserve them for his own dainty chops, and allowed his + poor patients little more than the bare bones to pick, lest they should + overload their squeamish stomachs. +</p> +<p> + To the heathen philosopher succeeded a pack of Capuchins, monks who forbid + us the use of beans, that is, Pantagruelian books. They seem to follow the + example of Philoxenus and Gnatho, one of whom was a Sicilian of fulsome + memory, the ancient master-builders of their monastic cram-gut + voluptuousness, who, when some dainty bit was served up at a feast, + filthily used to spit on it, that none but their nasty selves might have + the stomach to eat of it, though their liquorish chops watered never so + much after it. +</p> +<p> + So those hideous, snotty, phthisicky, eaves-dropping, musty, moving forms + of mortification, both in public and private, curse those dainty books, and + like toads spit their venom upon them. +</p> +<p> + Now, though we have in our mother-tongue several excellent works in verse + and prose, and, heaven be praised! but little left of the trash and + trumpery stuff of those duncical mumblers of ave-maries and the barbarous + foregoing Gothic age, I have made bold to choose to chirrup and warble my + plain ditty, or, as they say, to whistle like a goose among the swans, + rather than be thought deaf among so many pretty poets and eloquent + orators. And thus I am prouder of acting the clown, or any other + under-part, among the many ingenious actors in that noble play, than of + herding among those mutes, who, like so many shadows and ciphers, only serve + to fill up the house and make up a number, gaping and yawning at the flies, + and pricking up their lugs, like so many Arcadian asses, at the striking up + of the music; thus silently giving to understand that their fopships are + tickled in the right place. +</p> +<p> + Having taken this resolution, I thought it would not be amiss to move my + Diogenical tub, that you might not accuse me of living without example. I + see a swarm of our modern poets and orators, your Colinets, Marots, + Drouets, Saint Gelais, Salels, Masuels, and many more, who, having + commenced masters in Apollo's academy on Mount Parnassus, and drunk + brimmers at the Caballin fountain among the nine merry Muses, have raised + our vulgar tongue, and made it a noble and everlasting structure. Their + works are all Parian marble, alabaster, porphyry, and royal cement; they + treat of nothing but heroic deeds, mighty things, grave and difficult + matters, and this in a crimson, alamode, rhetorical style. Their writings + are all divine nectar, rich, racy, sparkling, delicate, and luscious wine. + Nor does our sex wholly engross this honour; ladies have had their share of + the glory; one of them, of the royal blood of France, whom it were a + profanation but to name here, surprises the age at once by the transcendent + and inventive genius in her writings and the admirable graces of her style. + Imitate those great examples if you can; for my part I cannot. Everyone, + you know, cannot go to Corinth. When Solomon built the temple, all could + not give gold by handfuls. +</p> +<p> + Since then 'tis not in my power to improve our architecture as much as + they, I am e'en resolved to do like Renault of Montauban: I'll wait on the + masons, set on the pot for the masons, cook for the stone-cutters; and + since it was not my good luck to be cut out for one of them, I will live + and die the admirer of their divine writings. +</p> +<p> + As for you, little envious prigs, snarling bastards, puny critics, you'll + soon have railed your last; go hang yourselves, and choose you out some + well-spread oak, under whose shade you may swing in state, to the + admiration of the gaping mob; you shall never want rope enough. While I + here solemnly protest before my Helicon, in the presence of my nine + mistresses the Muses, that if I live yet the age of a dog, eked out with + that of three crows, sound wind and limbs, like the old Hebrew captain + Moses, Xenophilus the musician, and Demonax the philosopher, by arguments + no ways impertinent, and reasons not to be disputed, I will prove, in the + teeth of a parcel of brokers and retailers of ancient rhapsodies and such + mouldy trash, that our vulgar tongue is not so mean, silly, inept, poor, + barren, and contemptible as they pretend. Nor ought I to be afraid of I + know not what botchers of old threadbare stuff, a hundred and a hundred + times clouted up and pieced together; wretched bunglers that can do nothing + but new-vamp old rusty saws; beggarly scavengers that rake even the + muddiest canals of antiquity for scraps and bits of Latin as insignificant + as they are often uncertain. Beseeching our grandees of Witland that, as + when formerly Apollo had distributed all the treasures of his poetical + exchequer to his favourites, little hulchbacked Aesop got for himself the + office of apologue-monger; in the same manner, since I do not aspire + higher, they would not deny me that of puny rhyparographer, or riffraff + follower of the sect of Pyreicus. +</p> +<p> + I dare swear they will grant me this; for they are all so kind, so + good-natured, and so generous, that they'll ne'er boggle at so small a + request. Therefore, both dry and hungry souls, pot and trenchermen, fully + enjoying those books, perusing, quoting them in their merry conventicles, + and observing the great mysteries of which they treat, shall gain a singular + profit and fame; as in the like case was done by Alexander the Great with + the books of prime philosophy composed by Aristotle. +</p> +<p> + O rare! belly on belly! what swillers, what twisters will there be! +</p> +<p> + Then be sure all you that take care not to die of the pip, be sure, I say, + you take my advice, and stock yourselves with good store of such books as + soon as you meet with them at the booksellers; and do not only shell those + beans, but e'en swallow them down like an opiate cordial, and let them be + in you; I say, let them be within you; then you shall find, my beloved, + what good they do to all clever shellers of beans. +</p> +<p> + Here is a good handsome basketful of them, which I here lay before your + worships; they were gathered in the very individual garden whence the + former came. So I beseech you, reverend sirs, with as much respect as was + ever paid by dedicating author, to accept of the gift, in hopes of somewhat + better against next visit the swallows give us. +</p> +<a name="image-0004"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/portrait.jpg" height="849" width="622" +alt="Francois Rabelais--portrait +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<a name="2H_4_0002"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE FIFTH BOOK. +</h2> +<a name="2HCH0001"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.I.—How Pantagruel arrived at the Ringing Island, and of the noise that we heard. +</h2> +<p> + Pursuing our voyage, we sailed three days without discovering anything; on + the fourth we made land. Our pilot told us that it was the Ringing Island, + and indeed we heard a kind of a confused and often repeated noise, that + seemed to us at a great distance not unlike the sound of great, + middle-sized, and little bells rung all at once, as 'tis customary at Paris, + Tours, Gergeau, Nantes, and elsewhere on high holidays; and the nearer we + came to the land the louder we heard that jangling. +</p> +<p> + Some of us doubted that it was the Dodonian kettle, or the portico called + Heptaphone in Olympia, or the eternal humming of the colossus raised on + Memnon's tomb in Thebes of Egypt, or the horrid din that used formerly to + be heard about a tomb at Lipara, one of the Aeolian islands. But this did + not square with chorography. +</p> +<p> + I do not know, said Pantagruel, but that some swarms of bees hereabouts may + be taking a ramble in the air, and so the neighbourhood make this + dingle-dangle with pans, kettles, and basins, the corybantine cymbals of + Cybele, grandmother of the gods, to call them back. Let's hearken. When we + were nearer, among the everlasting ringing of these indefatigable bells we + heard the singing, as we thought, of some men. For this reason, before we + offered to land on the Ringing Island, Pantagruel was of opinion that we + should go in the pinnace to a small rock, near which we discovered an + hermitage and a little garden. There we found a diminutive old hermit, + whose name was Braguibus, born at Glenay. He gave us a full account of all + the jangling, and regaled us after a strange sort of fashion—four livelong + days did he make us fast, assuring us that we should not be admitted into + the Ringing Island otherwise, because it was then one of the four fasting, + or ember weeks. As I love my belly, quoth Panurge, I by no means understand + this riddle. Methinks this should rather be one of the four windy weeks; + for while we fast we are only puffed up with wind. Pray now, good father + hermit, have not you here some other pastime besides fasting? Methinks it is + somewhat of the leanest; we might well enough be without so many palace + holidays and those fasting times of yours. In my Donatus, quoth Friar John, + I could find yet but three times or tenses, the preterit, the present, and + the future; doubtless here the fourth ought to be a work of supererogation. + That time or tense, said Epistemon, is aorist, derived from the + preter-imperfect tense of the Greeks, admitted in war (?) and odd cases. + Patience perforce is a remedy for a mad dog. Saith the hermit: It is, as I + told you, fatal to go against this; whosoever does it is a rank heretic, and + wants nothing but fire and faggot, that's certain. To deal plainly with + you, my dear pater, cried Panurge, being at sea, I much more fear being wet + than being warm, and being drowned than being burned. +</p> +<p> + Well, however, let us fast, a God's name; yet I have fasted so long that it + has quite undermined my flesh, and I fear that at last the bastions of this + bodily fort of mine will fall to ruin. Besides, I am much more afraid of + vexing you in this same trade of fasting; for the devil a bit I understand + anything in it, and it becomes me very scurvily, as several people have + told me, and I am apt to believe them. For my part, I have no great + stomach to fasting; for alas! it is as easy as pissing a bed, and a trade + of which anybody may set up; there needs no tools. I am much more inclined + not to fast for the future; for to do so there is some stock required, and + some tools are set a-work. No matter, since you are so steadfast, and + would have us fast, let us fast as fast as we can, and then breakfast in + the name of famine. Now we are come to these esurial idle days. I vow I + had quite put them out of my head long ago. If we must fast, said + Pantagruel, I see no other remedy but to get rid of it as soon as we can, + as we would out of a bad way. I'll in that space of time somewhat look + over my papers, and examine whether the marine study be as good as ours at + land. For Plato, to describe a silly, raw, ignorant fellow, compares him + to those that are bred on shipboard, as we would do one bred up in a + barrel, who never saw anything but through the bung-hole. +</p> +<p> + To tell you the short and the long of the matter, our fasting was most + hideous and terrible; for the first day we fasted on fisticuffs, the second + at cudgels, the third at sharps, and the fourth at blood and wounds: such + was the order of the fairies. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0002"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.II.—How the Ringing Island had been inhabited by the Siticines, who were become birds. +</h2> +<p> + Having fasted as aforesaid, the hermit gave us a letter for one whom he + called Albian Camar, Master Aedituus of the Ringing Island; but Panurge + greeting him called him Master Antitus. He was a little queer old fellow, + bald-pated, with a snout whereat you might easily have lighted a + card-match, and a phiz as red as a cardinal's cap. He made us all very + welcome, upon the hermit's recommendation, hearing that we had fasted, as I + have told you. +</p> +<p> + When we had well stuffed our puddings, he gave us an account of what was + remarkable in the island, affirming that it had been at first inhabited by + the Siticines; but that, according to the course of nature—as all things, + you know, are subject to change—they were become birds. +</p> +<p> + There I had a full account of all that Atteius Capito, Paulus, Marcellus, + A. Gellius, Athenaeus, Suidas, Ammonius, and others had writ of the + Siticines and Sicinnists; and then we thought we might as easily believe + the transmutations of Nectymene, Progne, Itys, Alcyone, Antigone, Tereus, + and other birds. Nor did we think it more reasonable to doubt of the + transmogrification of the Macrobian children into swans, or that of the men + of Pallene in Thrace into birds, as soon as they had bathed themselves in + the Tritonic lake. After this the devil a word could we get out of him but + of birds and cages. +</p> +<p> + The cages were spacious, costly, magnificent, and of an admirable + architecture. The birds were large, fine, and neat accordingly, looking as + like the men in my country as one pea does like another; for they ate and + drank like men, muted like men, endued or digested like men, farted like + men, but stunk like devils; slept, billed, and trod their females like men, + but somewhat oftener: in short, had you seen and examined them from top to + toe, you would have laid your head to a turnip that they had been mere men. + However, they were nothing less, as Master Aedituus told us; assuring us, + at the same time, that they were neither secular nor laic; and the truth + is, the diversity of their feathers and plumes did not a little puzzle us. +</p> +<p> + Some of them were all over as white as swans, others as black as crows, + many as grey as owls, others black and white like magpies, some all red + like red-birds, and others purple and white like some pigeons. He called + the males clerg-hawks, monk-hawks, priest-hawks, abbot-hawks, bish-hawks, + cardin-hawks, and one pope-hawk, who is a species by himself. He called + the females clerg-kites, nun-kites, priest-kites, abbess-kites, bish-kites, + cardin-kites, and pope-kites. +</p> +<p> + However, said he, as hornets and drones will get among the bees, and there + do nothing but buzz, eat, and spoil everything; so, for these last three + hundred years, a vast swarm of bigottelloes flocked, I do not know how, + among these goodly birds every fifth full moon, and have bemuted, berayed, + and conskited the whole island. They are so hard-favoured and monstrous + that none can abide them. For their wry necks make a figure like a crooked + billet; their paws are hairy, like those of rough-footed pigeons; their + claws and pounces, belly and breech, like those of the Stymphalid harpies. + Nor is it possible to root them out, for if you get rid of one, straight + four-and-twenty new ones fly thither. +</p> +<p> + There had been need of another monster-hunter such as was Hercules; for + Friar John had like to have run distracted about it, so much he was nettled + and puzzled in the matter. As for the good Pantagruel, he was even served + as was Messer Priapus, contemplating the sacrifices of Ceres, for want of + skin. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0003"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.III.—How there is but one pope-hawk in the Ringing Island. +</h2> +<a name="image-0005"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/5-03-544.jpg" height="617" width="875" +alt="The Master of Ringing Island--5-03-544 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + We then asked Master Aedituus why there was but one pope-hawk among such + venerable birds multiplied in all their species. He answered that such was + the first institution and fatal destiny of the stars that the clerg-hawks + begot the priest-hawks and monk-hawks without carnal copulation, as some + bees are born of a young bull; the priest-hawks begat the bish-hawks, the + bish-hawks the stately cardin-hawks, and the stately cardin-hawks, if they + live long enough, at last come to be pope-hawk. +</p> +<p> + Of this last kind there never is more than one at a time, as in a beehive + there is but one king, and in the world is but one sun. +</p> +<p> + When the pope-hawk dies, another arises in his stead out of the whole brood + of cardin-hawks, that is, as you must understand it all along, without + carnal copulation. So that there is in that species an individual unity, + with a perpetuity of succession, neither more or less than in the Arabian + phoenix. +</p> +<p> + 'Tis true that, about two thousand seven hundred and sixty moons ago, two + pope-hawks were seen upon the face of the earth; but then you never saw in + your lives such a woeful rout and hurly-burly as was all over this island. + For all these same birds did so peck, clapperclaw, and maul one another all + that time, that there was the devil and all to do, and the island was in a + fair way of being left without inhabitants. Some stood up for this + pope-hawk, some for t'other. Some, struck with a dumbness, were as mute as + so many fishes; the devil a note was to be got out of them; part of the + merry bells here were as silent as if they had lost their tongues, I mean + their clappers. +</p> +<p> + During these troublesome times they called to their assistance the + emperors, kings, dukes, earls, barons, and commonwealths of the world that + live on t'other side the water; nor was this schism and sedition at an end + till one of them died, and the plurality was reduced to a unity. +</p> +<p> + We then asked what moved those birds to be thus continually chanting and + singing. He answered that it was the bells that hung on the top of their + cages. Then he said to us, Will you have me make these monk-hawks whom you + see bardocuculated with a bag such as you use to still brandy, sing like + any woodlarks? Pray do, said we. He then gave half-a-dozen pulls to a + little rope, which caused a diminutive bell to give so many ting-tangs; and + presently a parcel of monk-hawks ran to him as if the devil had drove 'em, + and fell a-singing like mad. +</p> +<p> + Pray, master, cried Panurge, if I also rang this bell could I make those + other birds yonder, with red-herring-coloured feathers, sing? Ay, marry + would you, returned Aedituus. With this Panurge hanged himself (by the + hands, I mean) at the bell-rope's end, and no sooner made it speak but + those smoked birds hied them thither and began to lift up their voices and + make a sort of untowardly hoarse noise, which I grudge to call singing. + Aedituus indeed told us that they fed on nothing but fish, like the herns + and cormorants of the world, and that they were a fifth kind of cucullati + newly stamped. +</p> +<p> + He added that he had been told by Robert Valbringue, who lately passed that + way in his return from Africa, that a sixth kind was to fly hither out of + hand, which he called capus-hawks, more grum, vinegar-faced, brain-sick, + froward, and loathsome than any kind whatsoever in the whole island. + Africa, said Pantagruel, still uses to produce some new and monstrous + thing. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0004"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.IV.—How the birds of the Ringing Island were all passengers. +</h2> +<p> + Since you have told us, said Pantagruel, how the pope-hawk is begot by the + cardin-hawks, the cardin-hawks by the bish-hawks, and the bish-hawks by the + priest-hawks, and the priest-hawks by the clerg-hawks, I would gladly know + whence you have these same clerg-hawks. They are all of them passengers, + or travelling birds, returned Aedituus, and come hither from t'other world; + part out of a vast country called Want-o'-bread, the rest out of another + toward the west, which they style Too-many-of-'em. From these two + countries flock hither, every year, whole legions of these clerg-hawks, + leaving their fathers, mothers, friends, and relations. +</p> +<p> + This happens when there are too many children, whether male or female, in + some good family of the latter country; insomuch that the house would come + to nothing if the paternal estate were shared among them all (as reason + requires, nature directs, and God commands). For this cause parents use to + rid themselves of that inconveniency by packing off the younger fry, and + forcing them to seek their fortune in this isle Bossart (Crooked Island). + I suppose he means L'Isle Bouchart, near Chinon, cried Panurge. No, + replied t'other, I mean Bossart (Crooked), for there is not one in ten + among them but is either crooked, crippled, blinking, limping, + ill-favoured, deformed, or an unprofitable load to the earth. +</p> +<p> + 'Twas quite otherwise among the heathens, said Pantagruel, when they used + to receive a maiden among the number of vestals; for Leo Antistius affirms + that it was absolutely forbidden to admit a virgin into that order if she + had any vice in her soul or defect in her body, though it were but the + smallest spot on any part of it. I can hardly believe, continued Aedituus, + that their dams on t'other side the water go nine months with them; for + they cannot endure them nine years, nay, scarce seven sometimes, in the + house, but by putting only a shirt over the other clothes of the young + urchins, and lopping off I don't well know how many hairs from their + crowns, mumbling certain apostrophized and expiatory words, they visibly, + openly, and plainly, by a Pythagorical metempsychosis, without the least + hurt, transmogrify them into such birds as you now see; much after the + fashion of the Egyptian heathens, who used to constitute their isiacs by + shaving them and making them put on certain linostoles, or surplices. + However, I don't know, my good friends, but that these she-things, whether + clerg-kites, monk-kites, and abbess-kites, instead of singing pleasant + verses and charisteres, such as used to be sung to Oromasis by Zoroaster's + institution, may be bellowing out such catarates and scythropys (cursed + lamentable and wretched imprecations) as were usually offered to the + Arimanian demon; being thus in devotion for their kind friends and + relations that transformed them into birds, whether when they were maids, + or thornbacks, in their prime, or at their last prayers. +</p> +<p> + But the greatest numbers of our birds came out of Want-o'-bread, which, + though a barren country, where the days are of a most tedious lingering + length, overstocks this whole island with the lower class of birds. For + hither fly the asapheis that inhabit that land, either when they are in + danger of passing their time scurvily for want of belly-timber, being + unable, or, what's more likely, unwilling to take heart of grace and follow + some honest lawful calling, or too proud-hearted and lazy to go to service + in some sober family. The same is done by your frantic inamoradoes, who, + when crossed in their wild desires, grow stark staring mad, and choose this + life suggested to them by their despair, too cowardly to make them swing, + like their brother Iphis of doleful memory. There is another sort, that + is, your gaol-birds, who, having done some rogue's trick or other heinous + villainy, and being sought up and down to be trussed up and made to ride + the two or three-legged mare that groans for them, warily scour off and + come here to save their bacon; because all these sorts of birds are here + provided for, and grow in an instant as fat as hogs, though they came as + lean as rakes; for having the benefit of the clergy, they are as safe as + thieves in a mill within this sanctuary. +</p> +<p> + But, asked Pantagruel, do these birds never return to the world where they + were hatched? Some do, answered Aedituus; formerly very few, very seldom, + very late, and very unwillingly; however, since some certain eclipses, by + the virtue of the celestial constellations, a great crowd of them fled back + to the world. Nor do we fret or vex ourselves a jot about it; for those + that stay wisely sing, The fewer the better cheer; and all those that fly + away, first cast off their feathers here among these nettles and briars. +</p> +<p> + Accordingly we found some thrown by there; and as we looked up and down, we + chanced to light on what some people will hardly thank us for having + discovered; and thereby hangs a tale. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0005"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.V.—Of the dumb Knight-hawks of the Ringing Island. +</h2> +<p> + These words were scarce out of his mouth when some five-and-twenty or + thirty birds flew towards us; they were of a hue and feather like which we + had not seen anything in the whole island. Their plumes were as changeable + as the skin of the chameleon, and the flower of tripolion, or teucrion. + They had all under the left wing a mark like two diameters dividing a + circle into equal parts, or, if you had rather have it so, like a + perpendicular line falling on a right line. The marks which each of them + bore were much of the same shape, but of different colours; for some were + white, others green, some red, others purple, and some blue. Who are + those? asked Panurge; and how do you call them? They are mongrels, quoth + Aedituus. +</p> +<p> + We call them knight-hawks, and they have a great number of rich + commanderies (fat livings) in your world. Good your worship, said I, make + them give us a song, an't please you, that we may know how they sing. They + scorn your words, cried Aedituus; they are none of your singing-birds; but, + to make amends, they feed as much as the best two of them all. Pray where + are their hens? where are their females? said I. They have none, answered + Aedituus. How comes it to pass then, asked Panurge, that they are thus + bescabbed, bescurfed, all embroidered o'er the phiz with carbuncles, + pushes, and pock-royals, some of which undermine the handles of their + faces? This same fashionable and illustrious disease, quoth Aedituus, is + common among that kind of birds, because they are pretty apt to be tossed + on the salt deep. +</p> +<p> + He then acquainted us with the occasion of their coming. This next to us, + said he, looks so wistfully upon you to see whether he may not find among + your company a stately gaudy kind of huge dreadful birds of prey, which yet + are so untoward that they ne'er could be brought to the lure nor to perch + on the glove. They tell us that there are such in your world, and that + some of them have goodly garters below the knee with an inscription about + them which condemns him (qui mal y pense) who shall think ill of it to be + berayed and conskited. Others are said to wear the devil in a string + before their paunches; and others a ram's skin. All that's true enough, + good Master Aedituus, quoth Panurge; but we have not the honour to be + acquainted with their knightships. +</p> +<p> + Come on, cried Aedituus in a merry mood, we have had chat enough o' + conscience! let's e'en go drink. And eat, quoth Panurge. Eat, replied + Aedituus, and drink bravely, old boy; twist like plough-jobbers and swill + like tinkers. Pull away and save tide, for nothing is so dear and precious + as time; therefore we will be sure to put it to a good use. +</p> +<p> + He would fain have carried us first to bathe in the bagnios of the + cardin-hawks, which are goodly delicious places, and have us licked over + with precious ointments by the alyptes, alias rubbers, as soon as we should + come out of the bath. But Pantagruel told him that he could drink but too + much without that. He then led us into a spacious delicate refectory, or + fratery-room, and told us: Braguibus the hermit made you fast four days + together; now, contrariwise, I'll make you eat and drink of the best four + days through stitch before you budge from this place. But hark ye me, cried + Panurge, may not we take a nap in the mean time? Ay, ay, answered Aedituus; + that is as you shall think good; for he that sleeps, drinks. Good Lord! how + we lived! what good bub! what dainty cheer! O what a honest cod was this + same Aedituus! +</p> +<a name="2HCH0006"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.VI.—How the birds are crammed in the Ringing Island. +</h2> +<p> + Pantagruel looked I don't know howish, and seemed not very well pleased + with the four days' junketting which Aedituus enjoined us. Aedituus, who + soon found it out, said to him, You know, sir, that seven days before + winter, and seven days after, there is no storm at sea; for then the + elements are still out of respect for the halcyons, or king-fishers, birds + sacred to Thetis, which then lay their eggs and hatch their young near the + shore. Now here the sea makes itself amends for this long calm; and + whenever any foreigners come hither it grows boisterous and stormy for four + days together. We can give no other reason for it but that it is a piece + of its civility, that those who come among us may stay whether they will or + no, and be copiously feasted all the while with the incomes of the ringing. + Therefore pray don't think your time lost; for, willing, nilling, you'll be + forced to stay, unless you are resolved to encounter Juno, Neptune, Doris, + Aeolus, and his fluster-busters, and, in short, all the pack of ill-natured + left-handed godlings and vejoves. Do but resolve to be cheery, and fall-to + briskly. +</p> +<p> + After we had pretty well stayed our stomachs with some tight snatches, + Friar John said to Aedituus, For aught I see, you have none but a parcel of + birds and cages in this island of yours, and the devil a bit of one of them + all that sets his hand to the plough, or tills the land whose fat he + devours; their whole business is to be frolic, to chirp it, to whistle it, + to warble it, tossing it, and roar it merrily night and day. Pray then, if + I may be so bold, whence comes this plenty and overflowing of all dainty + bits and good things which we see among you? From all the other world, + returned Aedituus, if you except some part of the northern regions, who of + late years have stirred up the jakes. Mum! they may chance ere long to rue + the day they did so; their cows shall have porridge, and their dogs oats; + there will be work made among them, that there will. Come, a fig for't, + let's drink. But pray what countrymen are you? Touraine is our country, + answered Panurge. Cod so, cried Aedituus, you were not then hatched of an + ill bird, I will say that for you, since the blessed Touraine is your + mother; for from thence there comes hither every year such a vast store of + good things, that we were told by some folks of the place that happened to + touch at this island, that your Duke of Touraine's income will not afford + him to eat his bellyful of beans and bacon (a good dish spoiled between + Moses and Pythagoras) because his predecessors have been more than liberal + to these most holy birds of ours, that we might here munch it, twist it, + cram it, gorge it, craw it, riot it, junket it, and tickle it off, stuffing + our puddings with dainty pheasants, partridges, pullets with eggs, fat + capons of Loudunois, and all sorts of venison and wild fowl. Come, box it + about; tope on, my friends. Pray do you see yon jolly birds that are + perched together, how fat, how plump, and in good case they look, with the + income that Touraine yields us! And in faith they sing rarely for their + good founders, that is the truth on't. You never saw any Arcadian birds + mumble more fairly than they do over a dish when they see these two gilt + batons, or when I ring for them those great bells that you see above their + cages. Drink on, sirs, whip it away. Verily, friends, 'tis very fine + drinking to-day, and so 'tis every day o' the week; then drink on, toss it + about, here's to you with all my soul. You are most heartily welcome; + never spare it, I pray you; fear not we should ever want good bub and + belly-timber; for, look here, though the sky were of brass, and the earth + of iron, we should not want wherewithal to stuff the gut, though they were + to continue so seven or eight years longer than the famine in Egypt. Let + us then, with brotherly love and charity, refresh ourselves here with the + creature. +</p> +<p> + Woons, man, cried Panurge, what a rare time you have on't in this world! + Psha, returned Aedituus, this is nothing to what we shall have in t'other; + the Elysian fields will be the least that can fall to our lot. Come, in + the meantime let us drink here; come, here's to thee, old fuddlecap. +</p> +<p> + Your first Siticines, said I, were superlatively wise in devising thus a + means for you to compass whatever all men naturally covet so much, and so + few, or, to speak more properly, none can enjoy together—I mean, a + paradise in this life, and another in the next. Sure you were born wrapt + in your mother's smickets! O happy creatures! O more than men! Would I + had the luck to fare like you! (Motteux inserts Chapter XVI. after Chapter + VI.) +</p> +<a name="2HCH0007"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.VII.—How Panurge related to Master Aedituus the fable of the horse and the ass. +</h2> +<p> + When we had crammed and crammed again, Aedituus took us into a chamber that + was well furnished, hung with tapestry, and finely gilt. Thither he caused + to be brought store of mirobolans, cashou, green ginger preserved, with + plenty of hippocras, and delicious wine. With those antidotes, that were + like a sweet Lethe, he invited us to forget the hardships of our voyage; + and at the same time he sent plenty of provisions on board our ship that + rid in the harbour. After this, we e'en jogged to bed for that night; but + the devil a bit poor pilgarlic could sleep one wink—the everlasting + jingle-jangle of the bells kept me awake whether I would or no. +</p> +<p> + About midnight Aedituus came to wake us that we might drink. He himself + showed us the way, saying: You men of t'other world say that ignorance is + the mother of all evil, and so far you are right; yet for all that you do + not take the least care to get rid of it, but still plod on, and live in + it, with it, and by it; for which a plaguy deal of mischief lights on you + every day, and you are right enough served—you are perpetually ailing + somewhat, making a moan, and never right. It is what I was ruminating upon + just now. And, indeed, ignorance keeps you here fastened in bed, just as + that bully-rock Mars was detained by Vulcan's art; for all the while you do + not mind that you ought to spare some of your rest, and be as lavish as you + can of the goods of this famous island. Come, come, you should have eaten + three breakfasts already; and take this from me for a certain truth, that + if you would consume the mouth-ammunition of this island, you must rise + betimes; eat them, they multiply; spare them, they diminish. +</p> +<p> + For example, mow a field in due season, and the grass will grow thicker and + better; don't mow it, and in a short time 'twill be floored with moss. + Let's drink, and drink again, my friends; come, let's all carouse it. The + leanest of our birds are now singing to us all; we'll drink to them, if you + please. Let's take off one, two, three, nine bumpers. Non zelus, sed + caritas. +</p> +<p> + When day, peeping in the east, made the sky turn from black to red like a + boiling lobster, he waked us again to take a dish of monastical brewis. + From that time we made but one meal, that only lasted the whole day; so + that I cannot well tell how I may call it, whether dinner, supper, + nunchion, or after-supper; only, to get a stomach, we took a turn or two in + the island, to see and hear the blessed singing-birds. +</p> +<p> + At night Panurge said to Aedituus: Give me leave, sweet sir, to tell you a + merry story of something that happened some three and twenty moons ago in + the country of Chastelleraud. +</p> +<p> + One day in April, a certain gentleman's groom, Roger by name, was walking + his master's horses in some fallow ground. There 'twas his good fortune to + find a pretty shepherdess feeding her bleating sheep and harmless lambkins + on the brow of a neighbouring mountain, in the shade of an adjacent grove; + near her, some frisking kids tripped it over a green carpet of nature's own + spreading, and, to complete the landscape, there stood an ass. Roger, who + was a wag, had a dish of chat with her, and after some ifs, ands, and buts, + hems and heighs on her side, got her in the mind to get up behind him, to + go and see his stable, and there take a bit by the bye in a civil way. + While they were holding a parley, the horse, directing his discourse to the + ass (for all brute beasts spoke that year in divers places), whispered + these words in his ear: Poor ass, how I pity thee! thou slavest like any + hack, I read it on thy crupper. Thou dost well, however, since God has + created thee to serve mankind; thou art a very honest ass, but not to be + better rubbed down, currycombed, trapped, and fed than thou art, seems to + me indeed to be too hard a lot. Alas! thou art all rough-coated, in ill + plight, jaded, foundered, crestfallen, and drooping, like a mooting duck, + and feedest here on nothing but coarse grass, or briars and thistles. + Therefore do but pace it along with me, and thou shalt see how we noble + steeds, made by nature for war, are treated. Come, thou'lt lose nothing by + coming; I'll get thee a taste of my fare. I' troth, sir, I can but love + you and thank you, returned the ass; I'll wait on you, good Mr. Steed. + Methinks, gaffer ass, you might as well have said Sir Grandpaw Steed. O! + cry mercy, good Sir Grandpaw, returned the ass; we country clowns are + somewhat gross, and apt to knock words out of joint. However, an't please + you, I will come after your worship at some distance, lest for taking this + run my side should chance to be firked and curried with a vengeance, as it + is but too often, the more is my sorrow. +</p> +<p> + The shepherdess being got behind Roger, the ass followed, fully resolved to + bait like a prince with Roger's steed; but when they got to the stable, the + groom, who spied the grave animal, ordered one of his underlings to welcome + him with a pitchfork and currycomb him with a cudgel. The ass, who heard + this, recommended himself mentally to the god Neptune, and was packing off, + thinking and syllogizing within himself thus: Had not I been an ass, I had + not come here among great lords, when I must needs be sensible that I was + only made for the use of the small vulgar. Aesop had given me a fair + warning of this in one of his fables. Well, I must e'en scamper or take + what follows. With this he fell a-trotting, and wincing, and yerking, and + calcitrating, alias kicking, and farting, and funking, and curvetting, and + bounding, and springing, and galloping full drive, as if the devil had come + for him in propria persona. +</p> +<p> + The shepherdess, who saw her ass scour off, told Roger that it was her + cattle, and desired he might be kindly used, or else she would not stir her + foot over the threshold. Friend Roger no sooner knew this but he ordered + him to be fetched in, and that my master's horses should rather chop straw + for a week together than my mistress's beast should want his bellyful of + corn. +</p> +<p> + The most difficult point was to get him back; for in vain the youngsters + complimented and coaxed him to come. I dare not, said the ass; I am + bashful. And the more they strove by fair means to bring him with them, + the more the stubborn thing was untoward, and flew out at the heels; + insomuch that they might have been there to this hour, had not his mistress + advised them to toss oats in a sieve or in a blanket, and call him; which + was done, and made him wheel about and say, Oats, with a witness! oats + shall go to pot. Adveniat; oats will do, there's evidence in the case; but + none of the rubbing down, none of the firking. Thus melodiously singing + (for, as you know, that Arcadian bird's note is very harmonious) he came to + the young gentleman of the horse, alias black garb, who brought him to the + stable. +</p> +<p> + When he was there, they placed him next to the great horse his friend, + rubbed him down, currycombed him, laid clean straw under him up to the + chin, and there he lay at rack and manger, the first stuffed with sweet + hay, the latter with oats; which when the horse's valet-dear-chambre + sifted, he clapped down his lugs, to tell them by signs that he could eat + it but too well without sifting, and that he did not deserve so great an + honour. +</p> +<p> + When they had well fed, quoth the horse to the ass; Well, poor ass, how is + it with thee now? How dost thou like this fare? Thou wert so nice at + first, a body had much ado to get thee hither. By the fig, answered the + ass, which, one of our ancestors eating, Philemon died laughing, this is + all sheer ambrosia, good Sir Grandpaw; but what would you have an ass say? + Methinks all this is yet but half cheer. Don't your worships here now and + then use to take a leap? What leaping dost thou mean? asked the horse; the + devil leap thee! dost thou take me for an ass? In troth, Sir Grandpaw, + quoth the ass, I am somewhat of a blockhead, you know, and cannot, for the + heart's blood of me, learn so fast the court way of speaking of you + gentlemen horses; I mean, don't you stallionize it sometimes here among + your mettled fillies? Tush, whispered the horse, speak lower; for, by + Bucephalus, if the grooms but hear thee they will maul and belam thee + thrice and threefold, so that thou wilt have but little stomach to a + leaping bout. Cod so, man, we dare not so much as grow stiff at the tip of + the lowermost snout, though it were but to leak or so, for fear of being + jerked and paid out of our lechery. As for anything else, we are as happy + as our master, and perhaps more. By this packsaddle, my old acquaintance, + quoth the ass, I have done with you; a fart for thy litter and hay, and a + fart for thy oats; give me the thistles of our fields, since there we leap + when we list. Eat less, and leap more, I say; it is meat, drink, and cloth + to us. Ah! friend Grandpaw, it would do thy heart good to see us at a + fair, when we hold our provincial chapter! Oh! how we leap it, while our + mistresses are selling their goslings and other poultry! With this they + parted. Dixi; I have done. +</p> +<p> + Panurge then held his peace. Pantagruel would have had him to have gone on + to the end of the chapter; but Aedituus said, A word to the wise is enough; + I can pick out the meaning of that fable, and know who is that ass, and who + the horse; but you are a bashful youth, I perceive. Well, know that + there's nothing for you here; scatter no words. Yet, returned Panurge, I + saw but even now a pretty kind of a cooing abbess-kite as white as a dove, + and her I had rather ride than lead. May I never stir if she is not a + dainty bit, and very well worth a sin or two. Heaven forgive me! I meant + no more harm in it than you; may the harm I meant in it befall me + presently. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0008"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.VIII.—How with much ado we got a sight of the pope-hawk. +</h2> +<p> + Our junketting and banqueting held on at the same rate the third day as the + two former. Pantagruel then earnestly desired to see the pope-hawk; but + Aedituus told him it was not such an easy matter to get a sight of him. + How, asked Pantagruel, has he Plato's helmet on his crown, Gyges's ring on + his pounces, or a chameleon on his breast, to make him invisible when he + pleases? No, sir, returned Aedituus; but he is naturally of pretty + difficult access. However, I'll see and take care that you may see him, if + possible. With this he left us piddling; then within a quarter of an hour + came back, and told us the pope-hawk is now to be seen. So he led us, + without the least noise, directly to the cage wherein he sat drooping, with + his feathers staring about him, attended by a brace of little cardin-hawks + and six lusty fusty bish-hawks. +</p> +<p> + Panurge stared at him like a dead pig, examining exactly his figure, size, + and motions. Then with a loud voice he said, A curse light on the hatcher + of the ill bird; o' my word, this is a filthy whoop-hooper. Tush, speak + softly, said Aedituus; by G—, he has a pair of ears, as formerly Michael + de Matiscones remarked. What then? returned Panurge; so hath a whoopcat. + So, said Aedituus; if he but hear you speak such another blasphemous word, + you had as good be damned. Do you see that basin yonder in his cage? Out + of it shall sally thunderbolts and lightnings, storms, bulls, and the devil + and all, that will sink you down to Peg Trantum's, an hundred fathom under + ground. It were better to drink and be merry, quoth Friar John. +</p> +<p> + Panurge was still feeding his eyes with the sight of the pope-hawk and his + attendants, when somewhere under his cage he perceived a madge-howlet. + With this he cried out, By the devil's maker, master, there's roguery in + the case; they put tricks upon travellers here more than anywhere else, and + would make us believe that a t—d's a sugarloaf. What damned cozening, + gulling, and coney-catching have we here! Do you see this madge-howlet? + By Minerva, we are all beshit. Odsoons, said Aedituus, speak softly, I + tell you. It is no madge-howlet, no she-thing on my honest word; but a + male, and a noble bird. +</p> +<p> + May we not hear the pope-hawk sing? asked Pantagruel. I dare not promise + that, returned Aedituus; for he only sings and eats at his own hours. So + don't I, quoth Panurge; poor pilgarlic is fain to make everybody's time his + own; if they have time, I find time. Come, then, let us go drink, if you + will. Now this is something like a tansy, said Aedituus; you begin to talk + somewhat like; still speak in that fashion, and I'll secure you from being + thought a heretic. Come on, I am of your mind. +</p> +<p> + As we went back to have t'other fuddling bout, we spied an old green-headed + bish-hawk, who sat moping with his mate and three jolly bittern attendants, + all snoring under an arbour. Near the old cuff stood a buxom abbess-kite + that sung like any linnet; and we were so mightily tickled with her singing + that I vow and swear we could have wished all our members but one turned + into ears, to have had more of the melody. Quoth Panurge, This pretty + cherubim of cherubims is here breaking her head with chanting to this huge, + fat, ugly face, who lies grunting all the while like a hog as he is. I + will make him change his note presently, in the devil's name. With this he + rang a bell that hung over the bish-hawk's head; but though he rang and + rang again, the devil a bit bish-hawk would hear; the louder the sound, the + louder his snoring. There was no making him sing. By G—, quoth Panurge, + you old buzzard, if you won't sing by fair means, you shall by foul. + Having said this, he took up one of St. Stephen's loaves, alias a stone, + and was going to hit him with it about the middle. But Aedituus cried to + him, Hold, hold, honest friend! strike, wound, poison, kill, and murder all + the kings and princes in the world, by treachery or how thou wilt, and as + soon as thou wouldst unnestle the angels from their cockloft. Pope-hawk + will pardon thee all this. But never be so mad as to meddle with these + sacred birds, as much as thou lovest the profit, welfare, and life not only + of thyself, and thy friends and relations alive or dead, but also of those + that may be born hereafter to the thousandth generation; for so long thou + wouldst entail misery upon them. Do but look upon that basin. Catso! let + us rather drink, then, quoth Panurge. He that spoke last, spoke well, Mr. + Antitus, quoth Friar John; while we are looking on these devilish birds we + do nothing but blaspheme; and while we are taking a cup we do nothing but + praise God. Come on, then, let's go drink; how well that word sounds! +</p> +<p> + The third day (after we had drank, as you must understand) Aedituus + dismissed us. We made him a present of a pretty little Perguois knife, + which he took more kindly than Artaxerxes did the cup of cold water that + was given him by a clown. He most courteously thanked us, and sent all + sorts of provisions aboard our ships, wished us a prosperous voyage and + success in our undertakings, and made us promise and swear by Jupiter of + stone to come back by his territories. Finally he said to us, Friends, + pray note that there are many more stones in the world than men; take care + you don't forget it. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0009"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.IX.—How we arrived at the island of Tools. +</h2> +<p> + Having well ballasted the holds of our human vessels, we weighed anchor, + hoised up sail, stowed the boats, set the land, and stood for the offing + with a fair loom gale, and for more haste unpareled the mizen-yard, and + launched it and the sail over the lee-quarter, and fitted gyves to keep it + steady, and boomed it out; so in three days we made the island of Tools, + that is altogether uninhabited. We saw there a great number of trees which + bore mattocks, pickaxes, crows, weeding-hooks, scythes, sickles, spades, + trowels, hatchets, hedging-bills, saws, adzes, bills, axes, shears, + pincers, bolts, piercers, augers, and wimbles. +</p> +<p> + Others bore dags, daggers, poniards, bayonets, square-bladed tucks, + stilettoes, poniardoes, skeans, penknives, puncheons, bodkins, swords, + rapiers, back-swords, cutlasses, scimitars, hangers, falchions, glaives, + raillons, whittles, and whinyards. +</p> +<p> + Whoever would have any of these needed but to shake the tree, and + immediately they dropped down as thick as hops, like so many ripe plums; + nay, what's more, they fell on a kind of grass called scabbard, and + sheathed themselves in it cleverly. But when they came down, there was + need of taking care lest they happened to touch the head, feet, or other + parts of the body. For they fell with the point downwards, and in they + stuck, or slit the continuum of some member, or lopped it off like a twig; + either of which generally was enough to have killed a man, though he were a + hundred years old, and worth as many thousand spankers, spur-royals, and + rose-nobles. +</p> +<p> + Under some other trees, whose names I cannot justly tell you, I saw some + certain sorts of weeds that grew and sprouted like pikes, lances, javelins, + javelots, darts, dartlets, halberds, boar-spears, eel-spears, partizans, + tridents, prongs, trout-staves, spears, half-pikes, and hunting-staves. As + they sprouted up and chanced to touch the tree, straight they met with + their heads, points, and blades, each suitable to its kind, made ready for + them by the trees over them, as soon as every individual wood was grown up, + fit for its steel; even like the children's coats, that are made for them + as soon as they can wear them and you wean them of their swaddling clothes. + Nor do you mutter, I pray you, at what Plato, Anaxagoras, and Democritus + have said. Ods-fish! they were none of your lower-form gimcracks, were + they? +</p> +<p> + Those trees seemed to us terrestrial animals, in no wise so different from + brute beasts as not to have skin, fat, flesh, veins, arteries, ligaments, + nerves, cartilages, kernels, bones, marrow, humours, matrices, brains, and + articulations; for they certainly have some, since Theophrastus will have + it so. But in this point they differed from other animals, that their + heads, that is, the part of their trunks next to the root, are downwards; + their hair, that is, their roots, in the earth; and their feet, that is, + their branches, upside down; as if a man should stand on his head with + outstretched legs. And as you, battered sinners, on whom Venus has + bestowed something to remember her, feel the approach of rains, winds, + cold, and every change of weather, at your ischiatic legs and your + omoplates, by means of the perpetual almanack which she has fixed there; so + these trees have notice given them, by certain sensations which they have + at their roots, stocks, gums, paps, or marrow, of the growth of the staves + under them, and accordingly they prepare suitable points and blades for + them beforehand. Yet as all things, except God, are sometimes subject to + error, nature itself not free from it when it produceth monstrous things, + likewise I observed something amiss in these trees. For a half-pike that + grew up high enough to reach the branches of one of these instrumentiferous + trees, happened no sooner to touch them but, instead of being joined to an + iron head, it impaled a stubbed broom at the fundament. Well, no matter, + 'twill serve to sweep the chimney. Thus a partizan met with a pair of + garden shears. Come, all's good for something; 'twill serve to nip off + little twigs and destroy caterpillars. The staff of a halberd got the + blade of a scythe, which made it look like a hermaphrodite. + Happy-be-lucky, 'tis all a case; 'twill serve for some mower. Oh, 'tis a + great blessing to put our trust in the Lord! As we went back to our ships I + spied behind I don't know what bush, I don't know what folks, doing I don't + know what business, in I don't know what posture, scouring I don't know what + tools, in I don't know what manner, and I don't know what place. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0010"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.X.—How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Sharping. +</h2> +<p> + We left the island of Tools to pursue our voyage, and the next day stood in + for the island of Sharping, the true image of Fontainebleau, for the land + is so very lean that the bones, that is, the rocks, shoot through its skin. + Besides, 'tis sandy, barren, unhealthy, and unpleasant. Our pilot showed + us there two little square rocks which had eight equal points in the shape + of a cube. They were so white that I might have mistaken them for + alabaster or snow, had he not assured us they were made of bone. +</p> +<p> + He told us that twenty chance devils very much feared in our country dwelt + there in six different storeys, and that the biggest twins or braces of + them were called sixes, and the smallest ambs-ace; the rest cinques, + quatres, treys, and deuces. When they were conjured up, otherwise coupled, + they were called either sice cinque, sice quatre, sice trey, sice deuce, + and sice ace; or cinque quatre, cinque trey, and so forth. I made there a + shrewd observation. Would you know what 'tis, gamesters? 'Tis that there + are very few of you in the world but what call upon and invoke the devils. + For the dice are no sooner thrown on the board, and the greedy gazing + sparks have hardly said, Two sixes, Frank; but Six devils damn it! cry as + many of them. If ambs-ace; then, A brace of devils broil me! will they + say. Quatre-deuce, Tom; The deuce take it! cries another. And so on to + the end of the chapter. Nay, they don't forget sometimes to call the black + cloven-footed gentlemen by their Christian names and surnames; and what is + stranger yet, they use them as their greatest cronies, and make them so + often the executors of their wills, not only giving themselves, but + everybody and everything, to the devil, that there's no doubt but he takes + care to seize, soon or late, what's so zealously bequeathed him. Indeed, + 'tis true Lucifer does not always immediately appear by his lawful + attorneys; but, alas! 'tis not for want of goodwill; he is really to be + excused for his delay; for what the devil would you have a devil do? He + and his black guards are then at some other places, according to the + priority of the persons that call on them; therefore, pray let none be so + venturesome as to think that the devils are deaf and blind. +</p> +<p> + He then told us that more wrecks had happened about those square rocks, and + a greater loss of body and goods, than about all the Syrtes, Scyllas and + Charybdes, Sirens, Strophades, and gulfs in the universe. I had not much + ado to believe it, remembering that formerly, among the wise Egyptians, + Neptune was described in hieroglyphics for the first cube, Apollo by an + ace, Diana by a deuce, Minerva by seven, and so forth. +</p> +<p> + He also told us that there was a phial of sanc-greal, a most divine thing, + and known to a few. Panurge did so sweeten up the syndics of the place + that they blessed us with the sight of 't; but it was with three times more + pother and ado, with more formalities and antic tricks, than they show the + pandects of Justinian at Florence, or the holy Veronica at Rome. I never + saw such a sight of flambeaux, torches, and hagios, sanctified tapers, + rush-lights, and farthing candles in my whole life. After all, that which + was shown us was only the ill-faced countenance of a roasted coney. +</p> +<p> + All that we saw there worth speaking of was a good face set upon an ill + game, and the shells of the two eggs formerly laid up and hatched by Leda, + out of which came Castor and Pollux, fair Helen's brothers. These same + syndics sold us a piece of 'em for a song, I mean, for a morsel of bread. + Before we went we bought a parcel of hats and caps of the manufacture of + the place, which, I fear, will turn to no very good account; nor are those + who shall take 'em off our hands more likely to commend their wearing. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0011"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XI.—How we passed through the wicket inhabited by Gripe-men-all, Archduke of the Furred Law-cats. +</h2> +<p> + From thence Condemnation was passed by us. 'Tis another damned barren + island, whereat none for the world cared to touch. Then we went through + the wicket; but Pantagruel had no mind to bear us company, and 'twas well + he did not, for we were nabbed there, and clapped into lob's-pound by order + of Gripe-men-all, Archduke of the Furred Law-cats, because one of our + company would ha' put upon a sergeant some hats of the Sharping Island. +</p> +<p> + The Furred Law-cats are most terrible and dreadful monsters, they devour + little children, and trample over marble stones. Pray tell me, noble + topers, do they not deserve to have their snouts slit? The hair of their + hides doesn't lie outward, but inwards, and every mother's son of 'em for + his device wears a gaping pouch, but not all in the same manner; for some + wear it tied to their neck scarfwise, others upon the breech, some on the + paunch, others on the side, and all for a cause, with reason and mystery. + They have claws so very strong, long, and sharp that nothing can get from + 'em that is once fast between their clutches. Sometimes they cover their + heads with mortar-like caps, at other times with mortified caparisons. +</p> +<p> + As we entered their den, said a common mumper, to whom we had given half a + teston, Worshipful culprits, God send you a good deliverance! Examine + well, said he, the countenance of these stout props and pillars of this + catch-coin law and iniquity; and pray observe, that if you still live but + six olympiads, and the age of two dogs more, you'll see these Furred + Law-cats lords of all Europe, and in peaceful possession of all the estates + and dominions belonging to it; unless, by divine providence, what's got over + the devil's back is spent under his belly, or the goods which they unjustly + get perish with their prodigal heirs. Take this from an honest beggar. +</p> +<p> + Among 'em reigns the sixth essence; by the means of which they gripe all, + devour all, conskite all, burn all, draw all, hang all, quarter all, behead + all, murder all, imprison all, waste all, and ruin all, without the least + notice of right or wrong; for among them vice is called virtue; wickedness, + piety; treason, loyalty; robbery, justice. Plunder is their motto, and + when acted by them is approved by all men, except the heretics; and all + this they do because they dare; their authority is sovereign and + irrefragable. For a sign of the truth of what I tell you, you'll find that + there the mangers are above the racks. Remember hereafter that a fool told + you this; and if ever plague, famine, war, fire, earthquakes, inundations, + or other judgments befall the world, do not attribute 'em to the aspects + and conjunctions of the malevolent planets; to the abuses of the court of + Romania, or the tyranny of secular kings and princes; to the impostures of + the false zealots of the cowl, heretical bigots, false prophets, and + broachers of sects; to the villainy of griping usurers, clippers, and + coiners; or to the ignorance, impudence, and imprudence of physicians, + surgeons, and apothecaries; nor to the lewdness of adulteresses and + destroyers of by-blows; but charge them all, wholly and solely, to the + inexpressible, incredible, and inestimable wickedness and ruin which is + continually hatched, brewed, and practised in the den or shop of those + Furred Law-cats. Yet 'tis no more known in the world than the cabala of + the Jews, the more's the pity; and therefore 'tis not detested, chastised, + and punished as 'tis fit it should be. But should all their villainy be + once displayed in its true colours and exposed to the people, there never + was, is, nor will be any spokesman so sweet-mouthed, whose fine colloguing + tongue could save 'em; nor any law so rigorous and draconic that could + punish 'em as they deserve; nor yet any magistrate so powerful as to hinder + their being burnt alive in their coneyburrows without mercy. Even their + own furred kittlings, friends, and relations would abominate 'em. +</p> +<p> + For this reason, as Hannibal was solemnly sworn by his father Amilcar to + pursue the Romans with the utmost hatred as long as ever he lived, so my + late father has enjoined me to remain here without, till God Almighty's + thunder reduce them there within to ashes, like other presumptuous Titans, + profane wretches, and opposers of God; since mankind is so inured to their + oppressions that they either do not remember, foresee, or have a sense of + the woes and miseries which they have caused; or, if they have, either will + not, dare not, or cannot root 'em out. +</p> +<p> + How, said Panurge, say you so? Catch me there and hang me! Damme, let's + march off! This noble beggar has scared me worse than thunder in autumn + (Motteux gives 'than the thunder would do them.'). Upon this we were + filing off; but, alas! we found ourselves trapped—the door was + double-locked and barricadoed. Some messengers of ill news told us it was + full as easy to get in there as into hell, and no less hard to get out. Ay, + there indeed lay the difficulty, for there is no getting loose without a + pass and discharge in due course from the bench. This for no other reason + than because folks go easier out of a church than out of a sponging-house, + and because they could not have our company when they would. The worst on't + was when we got through the wicket; for we were carried, to get out our pass + or discharge, before a more dreadful monster than ever was read of in the + legends of knight-errantry. They called him Gripe-men-all. I can't tell + what to compare it to better than to a Chimaera, a Sphinx, a Cerberus; or to + the image of Osiris, as the Egyptians represented him, with three heads, one + of a roaring lion, t'other of a fawning cur, and the last of a howling, + prowling wolf, twisted about with a dragon biting his tail, surrounded with + fiery rays. His hands were full of gore, his talons like those of the + harpies, his snout like a hawk's bill, his fangs or tusks like those of an + overgrown brindled wild boar; his eyes were flaming like the jaws of hell, + all covered with mortars interlaced with pestles, and nothing of his arms + was to be seen but his clutches. His hutch, and that of the warren-cats his + collaterals, was a long, spick-and-span new rack, a-top of which (as the + mumper told us) some large stately mangers were fixed in the reverse. Over + the chief seat was the picture of an old woman holding the case or scabbard + of a sickle in her right hand, a pair of scales in her left, with spectacles + on her nose; the cups or scales of the balance were a pair of velvet + pouches, the one full of bullion, which overpoised t'other, empty and long, + hoisted higher than the middle of the beam. I'm of opinion it was the true + effigies of Justice Gripe-men-all; far different from the institution of the + ancient Thebans, who set up the statues of their dicasts without hands, in + marble, silver, or gold, according to their merit, even after their death. +</p> +<p> + When we made our personal appearance before him, a sort of I don't know + what men, all clothed with I don't know what bags and pouches, with long + scrolls in their clutches, made us sit down upon a cricket (such as + criminals sit on when tried in France). Quoth Panurge to 'em, Good my + lords, I'm very well as I am; I'd as lief stand, an't please you. Besides, + this same stool is somewhat of the lowest for a man that has new breeches + and a short doublet. Sit you down, said Gripe-men-all again, and look that + you don't make the court bid you twice. Now, continued he, the earth shall + immediately open its jaws and swallow you up to quick damnation if you + don't answer as you should. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0012"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XII.—How Gripe-men-all propounded a riddle to us. +</h2> +<p> + When we were sat, Gripe-men-all, in the middle of his furred cats, called + to us in a hoarse dreadful voice, Well, come on, give me presently—an + answer. Well, come on, muttered Panurge between his teeth, give, give me + presently—a comforting dram. Hearken to the court, continued + Gripe-men-all. +</p> +<pre> + An Enigma. + + A young tight thing, as fair as may be, + Without a dad conceived a baby, + And brought him forth without the pother + In labour made by teeming mother. + Yet the cursed brat feared not to gripe her, + But gnawed, for haste, her sides like viper. + Then the black upstart boldly sallies, + And walks and flies o'er hills and valleys. + Many fantastic sons of wisdom, + Amazed, foresaw their own in his doom; + And thought like an old Grecian noddy, + A human spirit moved his body. +</pre> +<p> + Give, give me out of hand—an answer to this riddle, quoth Gripe-men-all. + Give, give me—leave to tell you, good, good my lord, answered Panurge, + that if I had but a sphinx at home, as Verres one of your precursors had, I + might then solve your enigma presently. But verily, good my lord, I was + not there; and, as I hope to be saved, am as innocent in the matter as the + child unborn. Foh, give me—a better answer, cried Gripe-men-all; or, by + gold, this shall not serve your turn. I'll not be paid in such coin; if + you have nothing better to offer, I'll let your rascalship know that it had + been better for you to have fallen into Lucifer's own clutches than into + ours. Dost thou see 'em here, sirrah? hah? and dost thou prate here of thy + being innocent, as if thou couldst be delivered from our racks and tortures + for being so? Give me—Patience! thou widgeon. Our laws are like cobwebs; + your silly little flies are stopped, caught, and destroyed therein, but + your stronger ones break them, and force and carry them which way they + please. Likewise, don't think we are so mad as to set up our nets to snap + up your great robbers and tyrants. No, they are somewhat too hard for us, + there's no meddling with them; for they would make no more of us than we + make of the little ones. But you paltry, silly, innocent wretches must + make us amends; and, by gold, we will innocentize your fopship with a + wannion, you never were so innocentized in your days; the devil shall sing + mass among ye. +</p> +<p> + Friar John, hearing him run on at that mad rate, had no longer the power to + remain silent, but cried to him, Heigh-day! Prithee, Mr. Devil in a coif, + wouldst thou have a man tell thee more than he knows? Hasn't the fellow + told you he does not know a word of the business? His name is Twyford. + A plague rot you! won't truth serve your turns? Why, how now, + Mr. Prate-apace, cried Gripe-men-all, taking him short, marry come up, who + made you so saucy as to open your lips before you were spoken to? Give me + —Patience! By gold! this is the first time since I have reigned that + anyone has had the impudence to speak before he was bidden. How came this + mad fellow to break loose? (Villain, thou liest, said Friar John, without + stirring his lips.) Sirrah, sirrah, continued Gripe-men-all, I doubt thou + wilt have business enough on thy hands when it comes to thy turn to answer. + (Damme, thou liest, said Friar John, silently.) Dost thou think, continued + my lord, thou art in the wilderness of your foolish university, wrangling + and bawling among the idle, wandering searchers and hunters after truth? By + gold, we have here other fish to fry; we go another gate's-way to work, that + we do. By gold, people here must give categorical answers to what they + don't know. By gold, they must confess they have done those things which + they have not nor ought to have done. By gold, they must protest that they + know what they never knew in their lives; and, after all, patience perforce + must be their only remedy, as well as a mad dog's. Here silly geese are + plucked, yet cackle not. Sirrah, give me—an account whether you had a + letter of attorney, or whether you were feed or no, that you offered to bawl + in another man's cause? I see you had no authority to speak, and I may + chance to have you wed to something you won't like. Oh, you devils, cried + Friar John, proto-devils, panto-devils, you would wed a monk, would you? Ho + hu! ho hu! A heretic! a heretic! I'll give thee out for a rank heretic. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0013"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XIII.—How Panurge solved Gripe-men-all's riddle. +</h2> +<a name="image-0006"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/5-13-564.jpg" height="622" width="856" +alt="Furred Law Cats Scrambling After the Crowns--5-13-564 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Gripe-men-all, as if he had not heard what Friar John said, directed his + discourse to Panurge, saying to him, Well, what have you to say for + yourself, Mr. Rogue-enough, hah? Give, give me out of hand—an answer. + Say? quoth Panurge; why, what would you have me say? I say that we are + damnably beshit, since you give no heed at all to the equity of the plea, + and the devil sings among you. Let this answer serve for all, I beseech + you, and let us go out about our business; I am no longer able to hold out, + as gad shall judge me. +</p> +<p> + Go to, go to, cried Gripe-men-all; when did you ever hear that for these + three hundred years last past anybody ever got out of this weel without + leaving something of his behind him? No, no, get out of the trap if you + can without losing leather, life, or at least some hair, and you will have + done more than ever was done yet. For why, this would bring the wisdom of + the court into question, as if we had took you up for nothing, and dealt + wrongfully by you. Well, by hook or by crook, we must have something out + of you. Look ye, it is a folly to make a rout for a fart and ado; one word + is as good as twenty. I have no more to say to thee, but that, as thou + likest thy former entertainment, thou wilt tell me more of the next; for it + will go ten times worse with thee unless, by gold, you give me—a solution + to the riddle I propounded. Give, give—it, without any more ado. +</p> +<p> + By gold, quoth Panurge, 'tis a black mite or weevil which is born of a + white bean, and sallies out at the hole which he makes gnawing it; the mite + being turned into a kind of fly, sometimes walks and sometimes flies over + hills and dales. Now Pythagoras, the philosopher, and his sect, besides + many others, wondering at its birth in such a place (which makes some argue + for equivocal generation), thought that by a metempsychosis the body of + that insect was the lodging of a human soul. Now, were you men here, after + your welcomed death, according to his opinion, your souls would most + certainly enter into the body of mites or weevils; for in your present + state of life you are good for nothing in the world but to gnaw, bite, eat, + and devour all things, so in the next you'll e'en gnaw and devour your + mother's very sides, as the vipers do. Now, by gold, I think I have fairly + solved and resolved your riddle. +</p> +<p> + May my bauble be turned into a nutcracker, quoth Friar John, if I could not + almost find in my heart to wish that what comes out at my bunghole were + beans, that these evil weevils might feed as they deserve. +</p> +<p> + Panurge then, without any more ado, threw a large leathern purse stuffed + with gold crowns (ecus au soleil) among them. +</p> +<p> + The Furred Law-cats no sooner heard the jingling of the chink but they all + began to bestir their claws, like a parcel of fiddlers running a division; + and then fell to't, squimble, squamble, catch that catch can. They all + said aloud, These are the fees, these are the gloves; now, this is somewhat + like a tansy. Oh! 'twas a pretty trial, a sweet trial, a dainty trial. O' + my word, they did not starve the cause. These are none of your snivelling + forma pauperis's; no, they are noble clients, gentlemen every inch of them. + By gold, it is gold, quoth Panurge, good old gold, I'll assure you. +</p> +<p> + Saith Gripe-men-all, The court, upon a full hearing (of the gold, quoth + Panurge), and weighty reasons given, finds the prisoners not guilty, and + accordingly orders them to be discharged out of custody, paying their fees. + Now, gentlemen, proceed, go forwards, said he to us; we have not so much of + the devil in us as we have of his hue; though we are stout, we are + merciful. +</p> +<p> + As we came out at the wicket, we were conducted to the port by a detachment + of certain highland griffins, scribere cum dashoes, who advised us before + we came to our ships not to offer to leave the place until we had made the + usual presents, first to the Lady Gripe-men-all, then to all the Furred + Law-pusses; otherwise we must return to the place from whence we came. + Well, well, said Friar John, we'll fumble in our fobs, examine every one of + us his concern, and e'en give the women their due; we'll ne'er boggle or + stick out on that account; as we tickled the men in the palm, we'll tickle + the women in the right place. Pray, gentlemen, added they, don't forget to + leave somewhat behind you for us poor devils to drink your healths. O + lawd! never fear, answered Friar John, I don't remember that I ever went + anywhere yet where the poor devils are not remembered and encouraged. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0014"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XIV.—How the Furred Law-cats live on corruption. +</h2> +<p> + Friar John had hardly said those words ere he perceived seventy-eight + galleys and frigates just arriving at the port. So he hied him thither to + learn some news; and as he asked what goods they had o' board, he soon + found that their whole cargo was venison, hares, capons, turkeys, pigs, + swine, bacon, kids, calves, hens, ducks, teals, geese, and other poultry + and wildfowl. +</p> +<p> + He also spied among these some pieces of velvet, satin, and damask. This + made him ask the new-comers whither and to whom they were going to carry + those dainty goods. They answered that they were for Gripe-men-all and the + Furred Law-cats. +</p> +<p> + Pray, asked he, what is the true name of all these things in your country + language? Corruption, they replied. If they live on corruption, said the + friar, they will perish with their generation. May the devil be damned, I + have it now: their fathers devoured the good gentlemen who, according to + their state of life, used to go much a-hunting and hawking, to be the + better inured to toil in time of war; for hunting is an image of a martial + life, and Xenophon was much in the right of it when he affirmed that + hunting had yielded a great number of excellent warriors, as well as the + Trojan horse. For my part, I am no scholar; I have it but by hearsay, yet + I believe it. Now the souls of those brave fellows, according to + Gripe-men-all's riddle, after their decease enter into wild boars, stags, + roebucks, herns, and such other creatures which they loved, and in quest of + which they went while they were men; and these Furred Law-cats, having + first destroyed and devoured their castles, lands, demesnes, possessions, + rents, and revenues, are still seeking to have their blood and soul in + another life. What an honest fellow was that same mumper who had + forewarned us of all these things, and bid us take notice of the mangers + above the racks! +</p> +<p> + But, said Panurge to the new-comers, how do you come by all this venison? + Methinks the great king has issued out a proclamation strictly inhibiting + the destroying of stags, does, wild boars, roebucks, or other royal game, + on pain of death. All this is true enough, answered one for the rest, but + the great king is so good and gracious, you must know, and these Furred + Law-cats so curst and cruel, so mad, and thirsting after Christian blood, + that we have less cause to fear in trespassing against that mighty + sovereign's commands than reason to hope to live if we do not continually + stop the mouths of these Furred Law-cats with such bribes and corruption. + Besides, added he, to-morrow Gripe-men-all marries a furred law-puss of his + to a high and mighty double-furred law-tybert. Formerly we used to call + them chop-hay; but alas! they are not such neat creatures now as to eat + any, or chew the cud. We call them chop-hares, chop-partridges, + chop-woodcocks, chop-pheasants, chop-pullets, chop-venison, chop-coneys, + chop-pigs, for they scorn to feed on coarser meat. A t—d for their chops, + cried Friar John, next year we'll have 'em called chop-dung, chop-stront, + chop-filth. +</p> +<p> + Would you take my advice? added he to the company. What is it? answered + we. Let's do two things, returned he. First, let us secure all this + venison and wild fowl—I mean, paying well for them; for my part, I am but + too much tired already with our salt meat, it heats my flanks so horribly. + In the next place, let's go back to the wicket, and destroy all these + devilish Furred Law-cats. For my part, quoth Panurge, I know better + things; catch me there, and hang me. No, I am somewhat more inclined to be + fearful than bold; I love to sleep in a whole skin. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0015"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XV.—How Friar John talks of rooting out the Furred Law-cats. +</h2> +<p> + Virtue of the frock, quoth Friar John, what kind of voyage are we making? + A shitten one, o' my word; the devil of anything we do but fizzling, + farting, funking, squattering, dozing, raving, and doing nothing. + Ods-belly, 'tisn't in my nature to lie idle; I mortally hate it. Unless I + am doing some heroic feat every foot, I can't sleep one wink o' nights. + Damn it, did you then take me along with you for your chaplain, to sing mass + and shrive you? By Maundy Thursday, the first of ye all that comes to me on + such an account shall be fitted; for the only penance I'll enjoin shall be, + that he immediately throw himself headlong overboard into the sea like a + base cowhearted son of ten fathers. This in deduction of the pains of + purgatory. +</p> +<p> + What made Hercules such a famous fellow, d'ye think? Nothing but that + while he travelled he still made it his business to rid the world of + tyrannies, errors, dangers, and drudgeries; he still put to death all + robbers, all monsters, all venomous serpents and hurtful creatures. Why + then do we not follow his example, doing as he did in the countries through + which we pass? He destroyed the Stymphalides, the Lernaean hydra, Cacus, + Antheus, the Centaurs, and what not; I am no clericus, those that are such + tell me so. +</p> +<p> + In imitation of that noble by-blow, let's destroy and root out these wicked + Furred Law-cats, that are a kind of ravenous devils; thus we shall remove + all manner of tyranny out of the land. Mawmet's tutor swallow me body and + soul, tripes and guts, if I would stay to ask your help or advice in the + matter were I but as strong as he was. Come, he that would be thought a + gentleman, let him storm a town; well, then, shall we go? I dare swear + we'll do their business for them with a wet finger; they'll bear it, never + fear; since they could swallow down more foul language that came from us + than ten sows and their babies could swill hogwash. Damn 'em, they don't + value all the ill words or dishonour in the world at a rush, so they but + get the coin into their purses, though they were to have it in a shitten + clout. Come, we may chance to kill 'em all, as Hercules would have done + had they lived in his time. We only want to be set to work by another + Eurystheus, and nothing else for the present, unless it be what I heartily + wish them, that Jupiter may give 'em a short visit, only some two or three + hours long, and walk among their lordships in the same equipage that + attended him when he came last to his Miss Semele, jolly Bacchus's mother. +</p> +<p> + 'Tis a very great mercy, quoth Panurge, that you have got out of their + clutches. For my part, I have no stomach to go there again; I'm hardly + come to myself yet, so scared and appalled I was. My hair still stands up + an end when I think on't; and most damnably troubled I was there, for three + very weighty reasons. First, because I was troubled. Secondly, because I + was troubled. Thirdly and lastly, because I was troubled. Hearken to me a + little on thy right side, Friar John, my left cod, since thou'lt not hear + at the other. Whenever the maggot bites thee to take a trip down to hell + and visit the tribunal of Minos, Aeacus, Rhadamanthus, (and Dis,) do but + tell me, and I'll be sure to bear thee company, and never leave thee as + long as my name's Panurge, but will wade over Acheron, Styx, and Cocytus, + drink whole bumpers of Lethe's water—though I mortally hate that element + —and even pay thy passage to that bawling, cross-grained ferryman, Charon. + But as for the damned wicket, if thou art so weary of thy life as to go + thither again, thou mayst e'en look for somebody else to bear thee company, + for I'll not move one step that way; e'en rest satisfied with this positive + answer. By my good will I'll not stir a foot to go thither as long as I + live, any more than Calpe will come over to Abyla (Here Motteux adds the + following note: 'Calpe is a mountain in Spain that faces another, called + Abyla, in Mauritania, both said to have been severed by Hercules.'). Was + Ulysses so mad as to go back into the Cyclop's cave to fetch his sword? + No, marry was he not. Now I have left nothing behind me at the wicket + through forgetfulness; why then should I think of going thither? +</p> +<p> + Well, quoth Friar John, as good sit still as rise up and fall; what cannot + be cured must be endured. But, prithee, let's hear one another speak. + Come, wert thou not a wise doctor to fling away a whole purse of gold on + those mangy scoundrels? Ha! A squinsy choke thee! we were too rich, were + we? Had it not been enough to have thrown the hell-hounds a few cropped + pieces of white cash? +</p> +<p> + How could I help it? returned Panurge. Did you not see how Gripe-men-all + held his gaping velvet pouch, and every moment roared and bellowed, By + gold, give me out of hand; by gold, give, give, give me presently? Now, + thought I to myself, we shall never come off scot-free. I'll e'en stop + their mouths with gold, that the wicket may be opened, and we may get out; + the sooner the better. And I judged that lousy silver would not do the + business; for, d'ye see, velvet pouches do not use to gape for little + paltry clipt silver and small cash; no, they are made for gold, my friend + John; that they are, my dainty cod. Ah! when thou hast been larded, + basted, and roasted, as I was, thou wilt hardly talk at this rate, I doubt. + But now what is to be done? We are enjoined by them to go forwards. +</p> +<p> + The scabby slabberdegullions still waited for us at the port, expecting to + be greased in the fist as well as their masters. Now when they perceived + that we were ready to put to sea, they came to Friar John and begged that + we would not forget to gratify the apparitors before we went off, according + to the assessment for the fees at our discharge. Hell and damnation! cried + Friar John; are ye here still, ye bloodhounds, ye citing, scribbling imps + of Satan? Rot you, am I not vexed enough already, but you must have the + impudence to come and plague me, ye scurvy fly-catchers you? By + cob's-body, I'll gratify your ruffianships as you deserve; I'll apparitorize + you presently with a wannion, that I will. With this, he lugged out his + slashing cutlass, and in a mighty heat came out of the ship to cut the + cozening varlets into steaks, but they scampered away and got out of sight + in a trice. +</p> +<p> + However, there was somewhat more to do, for some of our sailors, having got + leave of Pantagruel to go ashore while we were had before Gripe-men-all, + had been at a tavern near the haven to make much of themselves, and roar + it, as seamen will do when they come into some port. Now I don't know + whether they had paid their reckoning to the full or no, but, however it + was, an old fat hostess, meeting Friar John on the quay, was making a + woeful complaint before a sergeant, son-in-law to one of the furred + law-cats, and a brace of bums, his assistants. +</p> +<p> + The friar, who did not much care to be tired with their impertinent + prating, said to them, Harkee me, ye lubberly gnat-snappers! do ye presume + to say that our seamen are not honest men? I'll maintain they are, ye + dotterels, and will prove it to your brazen faces, by justice—I mean, this + trusty piece of cold iron by my side. With this he lugged it out and + flourished with it. The forlorn lobcocks soon showed him their backs, + betaking themselves to their heels; but the old fusty landlady kept her + ground, swearing like any butter-whore that the tarpaulins were very honest + cods, but that they only forgot to pay for the bed on which they had lain + after dinner, and she asked fivepence, French money, for the said bed. May + I never sup, said the friar, if it be not dog-cheap; they are sorry guests + and unkind customers, that they are; they do not know when they have a + pennyworth, and will not always meet with such bargains. Come, I myself + will pay you the money, but I would willingly see it first. +</p> +<p> + The hostess immediately took him home with her, and showed him the bed, and + having praised it for all its good qualifications, said that she thought as + times went she was not out of the way in asking fivepence for it. Friar + John then gave her the fivepence; and she no sooner turned her back but he + presently began to rip up the ticking of the feather-bed and bolster, and + threw all the feathers out at the window. In the meantime the old hag came + down and roared out for help, crying out murder to set all the + neighbourhood in an uproar. Yet she also fell to gathering the feathers + that flew up and down in the air, being scattered by the wind. Friar John + let her bawl on, and, without any further ado, marched off with the + blanket, quilt, and both the sheets, which he brought aboard undiscovered, + for the air was darkened with the feathers, as it uses sometimes to be with + snow. He gave them away to the sailors; then said to Pantagruel that beds + were much cheaper at that place than in Chinnonois, though we have there + the famous geese of Pautile; for the old beldam had asked him but fivepence + for a bed which in Chinnonois had been worth about twelve francs. (As soon + as Friar John and the rest of the company were embarked, Pantagruel set + sail. But there arose a south-east wind, which blew so vehemently they + lost their way, and in a manner going back to the country of the Furred + Law-cats, they entered into a huge gulf, where the sea ran so high and + terrible that the shipboy on the top of the mast cried out he again saw the + habitation of Gripe-men-all; upon which Panurge, frightened almost out of + his wits, roared out, Dear master, in spite of the wind and waves, change + your course, and turn the ship's head about. O my friend, let us come no + more into that cursed country where I left my purse. So the wind carried + them near an island, where however they did not dare at first to land, but + entered about a mile off. (Motteux omitted this passage altogether in the + edition of 1694. It was restored by Ozell in the edition of 1738.)) +</p> +<a name="2HCH0016"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XVI.—How Pantagruel came to the island of the Apedefers, or Ignoramuses, with long claws and crooked paws, and of terrible adventures and monsters there. +</h2> +<p> + As soon as we had cast anchor and had moored the ship, the pinnace was put + over the ship's side and manned by the coxswain's crew. When the good + Pantagruel had prayed publicly, and given thanks to the Lord that had + delivered him from so great a danger, he stepped into it with his whole + company to go on shore, which was no ways difficult to do, for, as the sea + was calm and the winds laid, they soon got to the cliffs. When they were + set on shore, Epistemon, who was admiring the situation of the place and + the strange shape of the rocks, discovered some of the natives. The first + he met had on a short purple gown, a doublet cut in panes, like a Spanish + leather jerkin, half sleeves of satin, and the upper part of them leather, + a coif like a black pot tipped with tin. He was a good likely sort of a + body, and his name, as we heard afterwards, was Double-fee. Epistemon + asked him how they called those strange craggy rocks and deep valleys. He + told them it was a colony brought out of Attorneyland, and called Process, + and that if we forded the river somewhat further beyond the rocks we should + come into the island of the Apedefers. By the memory of the decretals, + said Friar John, tell us, I pray you, what you honest men here live on? + Could not a man take a chirping bottle with you to taste your wine? I can + see nothing among you but parchment, ink-horns, and pens. We live on + nothing else, returned Double-fee; and all who live in this place must come + through my hands. How, quoth Panurge, are you a shaver, then? Do you + fleece 'em? Ay, ay, their purse, answered Double-fee; nothing else. By + the foot of Pharaoh, cried Panurge, the devil a sou will you get of me. + However, sweet sir, be so kind as to show an honest man the way to those + Apedefers, or ignorant people, for I come from the land of the learned, + where I did not learn over much. +</p> +<p> + Still talking on, they got to the island of the Apedefers, for they were + soon got over the ford. Pantagruel was not a little taken up with admiring + the structure and habitation of the people of the place. For they live in + a swingeing wine-press, fifty steps up to it. You must know there are some + of all sorts, little, great, private, middle-sized, and so forth. You go + through a large peristyle, alias a long entry set about with pillars, in + which you see, in a kind of landscape, the ruins of almost the whole world, + besides so many great robbers' gibbets, so many gallows and racks, that + 'tis enough to fright you out of your seven senses. Double-fee perceiving + that Pantagruel was taken up with contemplating those things, Let us go + further, sir, said he to him; all this is nothing yet. Nothing, quotha, + cried Friar John; by the soul of my overheated codpiece, friend Panurge and + I here shake and quiver for mere hunger. I had rather be drinking than + staring at these ruins. Pray come along, sir, said Double-fee. He then + led us into a little wine-press that lay backwards in a blind corner, and + was called Pithies in the language of the country. You need not ask + whether Master John and Panurge made much of their sweet selves there; it + is enough that I tell you there was no want of Bolognia sausages, turkey + poots, capons, bustards, malmsey, and all other sorts of good belly-timber, + very well dressed. +</p> +<p> + A pimping son of ten fathers, who, for want of a better, did the office of + a butler, seeing that Friar John had cast a sheep's eye at a choice bottle + that stood near a cupboard by itself, at some distance from the rest of the + bottellic magazine, like a jack-in-an-office said to Pantagruel, Sir, I + perceive that one of your men here is making love to this bottle. He ogles + it, and would fain caress it; but I beg that none offer to meddle with it; + for it is reserved for their worships. How, cried Panurge, there are some + grandees here then, I see. It is vintage time with you, I perceive. +</p> +<p> + Then Double-fee led us up to a private staircase, and showed us into a + room, whence, without being seen, out at a loophole we could see their + worships in the great wine-press, where none could be admitted without + their leave. Their worships, as he called them, were about a score of + fusty crack-ropes and gallow-clappers, or rather more, all posted before a + bar, and staring at each other like so many dead pigs. Their paws were as + long as a crane's foot, and their claws four-and-twenty inches long at + least; for you must know they are enjoined never to pare off the least chip + of them, so that they grow as crooked as a Welsh hook or a hedging-bill. +</p> +<p> + We saw a swingeing bunch of grapes that are gathered and squeezed in that + country, brought in by them. As soon as it was laid down, they clapped it + into the press, and there was not a bit of it out of which each of them did + not squeeze some oil of gold; insomuch that the poor grape was tried with a + witness, and brought off so drained and picked, and so dry, that there was + not the least moisture, juice, or substance left in it; for they had + pressed out its very quintessence. +</p> +<p> + Double-fee told us they had not often such huge bunches; but, let the worst + come to the worst, they were sure never to be without others in their + press. But hark you me, master of mine, asked Panurge, have they not some + of different growth? Ay, marry have they, quoth Double-fee. Do you see + here this little bunch, to which they are going to give t'other wrench? It + is of tithe-growth, you must know; they crushed, wrung, squeezed and + strained out the very heart's blood of it but the other day; but it did not + bleed freely; the oil came hard, and smelt of the priest's chest; so that + they found there was not much good to be got out of it. Why then, said + Pantagruel, do they put it again into the press? Only, answered + Double-fee, for fear there should still lurk some juice among the husks and + hullings in the mother of the grape. The devil be damned! cried Friar + John; do you call these same folks illiterate lobcocks and duncical + doddipolls? May I be broiled like a red herring if I do not think they are + wise enough to skin a flint and draw oil out of a brick wall. So they are, + said Double-fee; for they sometimes put castles, parks, and forests into + the press, and out of them all extract aurum potabile. You mean portabile, + I suppose, cried Epistemon, such as may be borne. I mean as I said, + replied Double-fee, potabile, such as may be drunk; for it makes them drink + many a good bottle more than otherwise they should. +</p> +<p> + But I cannot better satisfy you as to the growth of the vine-tree sirup + that is here squeezed out of grapes, than in desiring you to look yonder in + that back-yard, where you will see above a thousand different growths that + lie waiting to be squeezed every moment. Here are some of the public and + some of the private growth; some of the builders' fortifications, loans, + gifts, and gratuities, escheats, forfeitures, fines, and recoveries, penal + statutes, crown lands, and demesne, privy purse, post-offices, offerings, + lordships of manors, and a world of other growths, for which we want names. + Pray, quoth Epistemon, tell me of what growth is that great one, with all + those little grapelings about it. Oh, oh! returned Double-fee, that plump + one is of the treasury, the very best growth in the whole country. + Whenever anyone of that growth is squeezed, there is not one of their + worships but gets juice enough of it to soak his nose six months together. + When their worships were up, Pantagruel desired Double-fee to take us into + that great wine-press, which he readily did. As soon as we were in, + Epistemon, who understood all sorts of tongues, began to show us many + devices on the press, which was large and fine, and made of the wood of the + cross—at least Double-fee told us so. On each part of it were names of + everything in the language of the country. The spindle of the press was + called receipt; the trough, cost and damages; the hole for the vice-pin, + state; the side-boards, money paid into the office; the great beam, respite + of homage; the branches, radietur; the side-beams, recuperetur; the fats, + ignoramus; the two-handled basket, the rolls; the treading-place, + acquittance; the dossers, validation; the panniers, authentic decrees; the + pailes, potentials; the funnels, quietus est. +</p> +<p> + By the Queen of the Chitterlings, quoth Panurge, all the hieroglyphics of + Egypt are mine a— to this jargon. Why! here are a parcel of words full as + analogous as chalk and cheese, or a cat and a cart-wheel! But why, + prithee, dear Double-fee, do they call these worshipful dons of yours + ignorant fellows? Only, said Double-fee, because they neither are, nor + ought to be, clerks, and all must be ignorant as to what they transact + here; nor is there to be any other reason given, but, The court hath said + it; The court will have it so; The court has decreed it. Cop's body, quoth + Pantagruel, they might full as well have called 'em necessity; for + necessity has no law. +</p> +<p> + From thence, as he was leading us to see a thousand little puny presses, we + spied another paltry bar, about which sat four are five ignorant waspish + churls, of so testy, fuming a temper, (like an ass with squibs and crackers + tied to its tail,) and so ready to take pepper in the nose for yea and nay, + that a dog would not have lived with 'em. They were hard at it with the + lees and dregs of the grapes, which they gripped over and over again, might + and main, with their clenched fists. They were called contractors in the + language of the country. These are the ugliest, misshapen, grim-looking + scrubs, said Friar John, that ever were beheld, with or without spectacles. + Then we passed by an infinite number of little pimping wine-presses all + full of vintage-mongers, who were picking, examining, and raking the grapes + with some instruments called bills-of-charge. +</p> +<p> + Finally we came into a hall downstairs, where we saw an overgrown cursed + mangy cur with a pair of heads, a wolf's belly, and claws like the devil of + hell. The son of a bitch was fed with costs, for he lived on a + multiplicity of fine amonds and amerciaments by order of their worships, to + each of whom the monster was worth more than the best farm in the land. In + their tongue of ignorance they called him Twofold. His dam lay by him, and + her hair and shape was like her whelp's, only she had four heads, two male + and two female, and her name was Fourfold. She was certainly the most + cursed and dangerous creature of the place, except her grandam, which we + saw, and had been kept locked up in a dungeon time out of mind, and her + name was Refusing-of-fees. +</p> +<p> + Friar John, who had always twenty yards of gut ready empty to swallow a + gallimaufry of lawyers, began to be somewhat out of humour, and desired + Pantagruel to remember he had not dined, and bring Double-fee along with + him. So away we went, and as we marched out at the back-gate whom should + we meet but an old piece of mortality in chains. He was half ignorant and + half learned, like an hermaphrodite of Satan. The fellow was all + caparisoned with spectacles as a tortoise is with shells, and lived on + nothing but a sort of food which, in their gibberish, was called appeals. + Pantagruel asked Double-fee of what breed was that prothonotary, and what + name they gave him. Double-fee told us that time out of mind he had been + kept there in chains, to the great grief of their worships, who starved + him, and his name was Review. By the pope's sanctified two-pounders, cried + Friar John, I do not much wonder at the meagre cheer which this old chuff + finds among their worships. Do but look a little on the weather-beaten + scratch-toby, friend Panurge; by the sacred tip of my cowl, I'll lay five + pounds to a hazel-nut the foul thief has the very looks of Gripe-me-now. + These same fellows here, ignorant as they be, are as sharp and knowing as + other folk. But were it my case, I would send him packing with a squib in + his breech like a rogue as he is. By my oriental barnacles, quoth Panurge, + honest friar, thou art in the right; for if we but examine that treacherous + Review's ill-favoured phiz, we find that the filthy snudge is yet more + mischievous and ignorant than these ignorant wretches here, since they + (honest dunces) grapple and glean with as little harm and pother as they + can, without any long fiddle-cum-farts or tantalizing in the case; nor do + they dally and demur in your suit, but in two or three words, whip-stitch, + in a trice, they finish the vintage of the close, bating you all these + damned tedious interlocutories, examinations, and appointments which fret + to the heart's blood your furred law-cats. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0017"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XVII.—How we went forwards, and how Panurge had like to have been killed. +</h2> +<p> + We put to sea that very moment, steering our course forwards, and gave + Pantagruel a full account of our adventures, which so deeply struck him + with compassion that he wrote some elegies on that subject to divert + himself during the voyage. When we were safe in the port we took some + refreshment, and took in fresh water and wood. The people of the place, + who had the countenance of jolly fellows and boon companions, were all of + them forward folks, bloated and puffed up with fat. And we saw some who + slashed and pinked their skins to open a passage to the fat, that it might + swell out at the slits and gashes which they made; neither more nor less + than the shit-breech fellows in our country bepink and cut open their + breeches that the taffety on the inside may stand out and be puffed up. + They said that what they did was not out of pride or ostentation, but + because otherwise their skins would not hold them without much pain. + Having thus slashed their skin, they used to grow much bigger, like the + young trees on whose barks the gardeners make incisions that they may grow + the better. +</p> +<p> + Near the haven there was a tavern, which forwards seemed very fine and + stately. We repaired thither, and found it filled with people of the + forward nation, of all ages, sexes, and conditions; so that we thought some + notable feast or other was getting ready, but we were told that all that + throng were invited to the bursting of mine host, which caused all his + friends and relations to hasten thither. +</p> +<p> + We did not understand that jargon, and therefore thought in that country by + that bursting they meant some merry meeting or other, as we do in ours by + betrothing, wedding, groaning, christening, churching (of women), shearing + (of sheep), reaping (of corn, or harvest-home), and many other junketting + bouts that end in -ing. But we soon heard that there was no such matter in + hand. +</p> +<p> + The master of the house, you must know, had been a good fellow in his time, + loved heartily to wind up his bottom, to bang the pitcher, and lick his + dish. He used to be a very fair swallower of gravy soup, a notable + accountant in matter of hours, and his whole life was one continual dinner, + like mine host at Rouillac (in Perigord). But now, having farted out much + fat for ten years together, according to the custom of the country, he was + drawing towards his bursting hour; for neither the inner thin kell + wherewith the entrails are covered, nor his skin that had been jagged and + mangled so many years, were able to hold and enclose his guts any longer, + or hinder them from forcing their way out. Pray, quoth Panurge, is there + no remedy, no help for the poor man, good people? Why don't you swaddle + him round with good tight girths, or secure his natural tub with a strong + sorb-apple-tree hoop? Nay, why don't you iron-bind him, if needs be? This + would keep the man from flying out and bursting. The word was not yet out + of his mouth when we heard something give a loud report, as if a huge + sturdy oak had been split in two. Then some of the neighbours told us that + the bursting was over, and that the clap or crack which we heard was the + last fart, and so there was an end of mine host. +</p> +<p> + This made me call to mind a saying of the venerable abbot of Castilliers, + the very same who never cared to hump his chambermaids but when he was in + pontificalibus. That pious person, being much dunned, teased, and + importuned by his relations to resign his abbey in his old age, said and + professed that he would not strip till he was ready to go to bed, and that + the last fart which his reverend paternity was to utter should be the fart + of an abbot. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0018"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XVIII.—How our ships were stranded, and we were relieved by some people that were subject to Queen Whims (qui tenoient de la Quinte). +</h2> +<p> + We weighed and set sail with a merry westerly gale. When about seven + leagues off (twenty-two miles) some gusts or scuds of wind suddenly arose, + and the wind veering and shifting from point to point, was, as they say, + like an old woman's breech, at no certainty; so we first got our starboard + tacks aboard, and hauled off our lee-sheets. Then the gusts increased, and + by fits blowed all at once from several quarters, yet we neither settled + nor braided up close our sails, but only let fly the sheets, not to go + against the master of the ship's direction; and thus having let go amain, + lest we should spend our topsails, or the ship's quick-side should lie in + the water and she be overset, we lay by and run adrift; that is, in a + landloper's phrase, we temporized it. For he assured us that, as these + gusts and whirlwinds would not do us much good, so they could not do us + much harm, considering their easiness and pleasant strife, as also the + clearness of the sky and calmness of the current. So that we were to + observe the philosopher's rule, bear and forbear; that is, trim, or go + according to the time. +</p> +<p> + However, these whirlwinds and gusts lasted so long that we persuaded the + master to let us go and lie at trie with our main course; that is, to haul + the tack aboard, the sheet close aft, the bowline set up, and the helm tied + close aboard; so, after a stormy gale of wind, we broke through the + whirlwind. But it was like falling into Scylla to avoid Charybdis (out of + the frying-pan into the fire). For we had not sailed a league ere our + ships were stranded upon some sands such as are the flats of St. Maixent. +</p> +<p> + All our company seemed mightily disturbed except Friar John, who was not a + jot daunted, and with sweet sugar-plum words comforted now one and then + another, giving them hopes of speedy assistance from above, and telling + them that he had seen Castor at the main-yardarm. Oh! that I were but now + ashore, cried Panurge, that is all I wish for myself at present, and that + you who like the sea so well had each man of you two hundred thousand + crowns. I would fairly let you set up shop on these sands, and would get a + fat calf dressed and a hundred of faggots (i.e. bottles of wine) cooled for + you against you come ashore. I freely consent never to mount a wife, so + you but set me ashore and mount me on a horse, that I may go home. No + matter for a servant, I will be contented to serve myself; I am never + better treated than when I am without a man. Faith, old Plautus was in the + right on't when he said the more servants the more crosses; for such they + are, even supposing they could want what they all have but too much of, a + tongue, that most busy, dangerous, and pernicious member of servants. + Accordingly, 'twas for their sakes alone that the racks and tortures for + confession were invented, though some foreign civilians in our time have + drawn alogical and unreasonable consequences from it. +</p> +<p> + That very moment we spied a sail that made towards us. When it was close + by us, we soon knew what was the lading of the ship and who was aboard of + her. She was full freighted with drums. I was acquainted with many of the + passengers that came in her, who were most of 'em of good families; among + the rest Harry Cotiral, an old toast, who had got a swinging ass's + touch-tripe (penis) fastened to his waist, as the good women's beads are to their + girdle. In his left hand he held an old overgrown greasy foul cap, such as + your scald-pated fellows wear, and in the right a huge cabbage-stump. +</p> +<p> + As soon as he saw me he was overjoyed, and bawled out to me, What cheer, + ho? How dost like me now? Behold the true Algamana (this he said showing + me the ass's tickle-gizzard). This doctor's cap is my true elixir; and + this (continued he, shaking the cabbage-stump in his fist) is lunaria + major, you old noddy. I have 'em, old boy, I have 'em; we'll make 'em when + thou'rt come back. But pray, father, said I, whence come you? Whither are + you bound? What's your lading? Have you smelt the salt deep? To these + four questions he answered, From Queen Whims; for Touraine; alchemy; to the + very bottom. +</p> +<p> + Whom have you got o' board? said I. Said he, Astrologers, fortune-tellers, + alchemists, rhymers, poets, painters, projectors, mathematicians, + watchmakers, sing-songs, musicianers, and the devil and all of others that + are subject to Queen Whims (Motteux gives the following footnote:—'La + Quinte, This means a fantastic Humour, Maggots, or a foolish Giddiness of + Brains; and also, a fifth, or the Proportion of Five in music, &c.'). They + have very fair legible patents to show for't, as anybody may see. Panurge + had no sooner heard this but he was upon the high-rope, and began to rail + at them like mad. What o' devil d'ye mean, cried he, to sit idly here like + a pack of loitering sneaksbies, and see us stranded, while you may help us, + and tow us off into the current? A plague o' your whims! you can make all + things whatsoever, they say, so much as good weather and little children; + yet won't make haste to fasten some hawsers and cables, and get us off. I + was just coming to set you afloat, quoth Harry Cotiral; by Trismegistus, + I'll clear you in a trice. With this he caused 7,532,810 huge drums to be + unheaded on one side, and set that open side so that it faced the end of + the streamers and pendants; and having fastened them to good tacklings and + our ship's head to the stern of theirs, with cables fastened to the bits + abaft the manger in the ship's loof, they towed us off ground at one pull + so easily and pleasantly that you'd have wondered at it had you been there. + For the dub-a-dub rattling of the drums, with the soft noise of the gravel + which murmuring disputed us our way, and the merry cheers and huzzas of the + sailors, made an harmony almost as good as that of the heavenly bodies when + they roll and are whirled round their spheres, which rattling of the + celestial wheels Plato said he heard some nights in his sleep. +</p> +<p> + We scorned to be behindhand with 'em in civility, and gratefully gave 'em + store of our sausages and chitterlings, with which we filled their drums; + and we were just a-hoisting two-and-sixty hogsheads of wine out of the + hold, when two huge whirlpools with great fury made towards their ship, + spouting more water than is in the river Vienne (Vigenne) from Chinon to + Saumur; to make short, all their drums, all their sails, their concerns, + and themselves were soused, and their very hose were watered by the collar. +</p> +<p> + Panurge was so overjoyed, seeing this, and laughed so heartily, that he was + forced to hold his sides, and it set him into a fit of the colic for two + hours and more. I had a mind, quoth he, to make the dogs drink, and those + honest whirlpools, egad, have saved me that labour and that cost. There's + sauce for them; ariston men udor. Water is good, saith a poet; let 'em + Pindarize upon't. They never cared for fresh water but to wash their hands + or their glasses. This good salt water will stand 'em in good stead for + want of sal ammoniac and nitre in Geber's kitchen. +</p> +<p> + We could not hold any further discourse with 'em; for the former whirlwind + hindered our ship from feeling the helm. The pilot advised us + henceforwards to let her run adrift and follow the stream, not busying + ourselves with anything, but making much of our carcasses. For our only + way to arrive safe at the queendom of Whims was to trust to the whirlwind + and be led by the current. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0019"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XIX.—How we arrived at the queendom of Whims or Entelechy. +</h2> +<p> + We did as he directed us for about twelve hours, and on the third day the + sky seemed to us somewhat clearer, and we happily arrived at the port of + Mateotechny, not far distant from Queen Whims, alias the Quintessence. +</p> +<p> + We met full butt on the quay a great number of guards and other military + men that garrisoned the arsenal, and we were somewhat frighted at first + because they made us all lay down our arms, and in a haughty manner asked + us whence we came. +</p> +<p> + Cousin, quoth Panurge to him that asked the question, we are of Touraine, + and come from France, being ambitious of paying our respects to the Lady + Quintessence and visit this famous realm of Entelechy. +</p> +<p> + What do you say? cried they; do you call it Entelechy or Endelechy? Truly, + truly, sweet cousins, quoth Panurge, we are a silly sort of grout-headed + lobcocks, an't please you; be so kind as to forgive us if we chance to + knock words out of joint. As for anything else, we are downright honest + fellows and true hearts. +</p> +<p> + We have not asked you this question without a cause, said they; for a great + number of others who have passed this way from your country of Touraine + seemed as mere jolt-headed doddipolls as ever were scored o'er the coxcomb, + yet spoke as correct as other folks. But there has been here from other + countries a pack of I know not what overweening self-conceited prigs, as + moody as so many mules and as stout as any Scotch lairds, and nothing would + serve these, forsooth, but they must wilfully wrangle and stand out against + us at their coming; and much they got by it after all. Troth, we e'en + fitted them and clawed 'em off with a vengeance, for all they looked so big + and so grum. +</p> +<p> + Pray tell me, does your time lie so heavy upon you in your world that you + do not know how to bestow it better than in thus impudently talking, + disputing, and writing of our sovereign lady? There was much need that + your Tully, the consul, should go and leave the care of his commonwealth to + busy himself idly about her; and after him your Diogenes Laertius, the + biographer, and your Theodorus Gaza, the philosopher, and your Argiropilus, + the emperor, and your Bessario, the cardinal, and your Politian, the + pedant, and your Budaeus, the judge, and your Lascaris, the ambassador, and + the devil and all of those you call lovers of wisdom; whose number, it + seems, was not thought great enough already, but lately your Scaliger, + Bigot, Chambrier, Francis Fleury, and I cannot tell how many such other + junior sneaking fly-blows must take upon 'em to increase it. +</p> +<p> + A squinsy gripe the cod's-headed changelings at the swallow and eke at the + cover-weasel; we shall make 'em—But the deuce take 'em! (They flatter the + devil here, and smoothify his name, quoth Panurge, between his teeth.) You + don't come here, continued the captain, to uphold 'em in their folly; you + have no commission from 'em to this effect; well then, we will talk no more + on't. +</p> +<p> + Aristotle, that first of men and peerless pattern of all philosophy, was + our sovereign lady's godfather, and wisely and properly gave her the name + of Entelechy. Her true name then is Entelechy, and may he be in tail + beshit, and entail a shit-a-bed faculty and nothing else on his family, who + dares call her by any other name; for whoever he is, he does her wrong, and + is a very impudent person. You are heartily welcome, gentlemen. With + this they colled and clipped us about the neck, which was no small comfort + to us, I'll assure you. +</p> +<p> + Panurge then whispered me, Fellow-traveller, quoth he, hast thou not been + somewhat afraid this bout? A little, said I. To tell you the truth of it, + quoth he, never were the Ephraimites in a greater fear and quandary when + the Gileadites killed and drowned them for saying sibboleth instead of + shibboleth; and among friends, let me tell you that perhaps there is not a + man in the whole country of Beauce but might easily have stopped my + bunghole with a cartload of hay. +</p> +<p> + The captain afterwards took us to the queen's palace, leading us silently + with great formality. Pantagruel would have said something to him, but the + other, not being able to come up to his height, wished for a ladder or a + very long pair of stilts; then said, Patience, if it were our sovereign + lady's will, we would be as tall as you; well, we shall when she pleases. +</p> +<p> + In the first galleries we saw great numbers of sick persons, differently + placed according to their maladies. The leprous were apart; those that + were poisoned on one side; those that had got the plague on another; those + that had the pox in the first rank, and the rest accordingly. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0020"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XX.—How the Quintessence cured the sick with a song. +</h2> +<p> + The captain showed us the queen, attended with her ladies and gentlemen, in + the second gallery. She looked young, though she was at least eighteen + hundred years old, and was handsome, slender, and as fine as a queen, that + is, as hands could make her. He then said to us: It is not yet a fit time + to speak to the queen; be you but mindful of her doings in the meanwhile. +</p> +<p> + You have kings in your world that fantastically pretend to cure some + certain diseases, as, for example, scrofula or wens, swelled throats, + nicknamed the king's evil, and quartan agues, only with a touch; now our + queen cures all manner of diseases without so much as touching the sick, + but barely with a song, according to the nature of the distemper. He then + showed us a set of organs, and said that when it was touched by her those + miraculous cures were performed. The organ was indeed the strangest that + ever eyes beheld; for the pipes were of cassia fistula in the cod; the top + and cornice of guiacum; the bellows of rhubarb; the pedas of turbith, and + the clavier or keys of scammony. +</p> +<p> + While we were examining this wonderful new make of an organ, the leprous + were brought in by her abstractors, spodizators, masticators, pregustics, + tabachins, chachanins, neemanins, rabrebans, nercins, rozuins, nebidins, + tearins, segamions, perarons, chasinins, sarins, soteins, aboth, enilins, + archasdarpenins, mebins, chabourins, and other officers, for whom I want + names; so she played 'em I don't know what sort of a tune or song, and they + were all immediately cured. +</p> +<p> + Then those who were poisoned were had in, and she had no sooner given them + a song but they began to find a use for their legs, and up they got. Then + came on the deaf, the blind, and the dumb, and they too were restored to + their lost faculties and senses with the same remedy; which did so + strangely amaze us (and not without reason, I think) that down we fell on + our faces, remaining prostrate, like men ravished in ecstasy, and were not + able to utter one word through the excess of our admiration, till she came, + and having touched Pantagruel with a fine fragrant nosegay of white roses + which she held in her hand, thus made us recover our senses and get up. + Then she made us the following speech in byssin words, such as Parisatis + desired should be spoken to her son Cyrus, or at least of crimson alamode: +</p> +<p> + The probity that scintillizes in the superfices of your persons informs my + ratiocinating faculty, in a most stupendous manner, of the radiant virtues + latent within the precious caskets and ventricles of your minds. For, + contemplating the mellifluous suavity of your thrice discreet reverences, + it is impossible not to be persuaded with facility that neither your + affections nor your intellects are vitiated with any defect or privation of + liberal and exalted sciences. Far from it, all must judge that in you are + lodged a cornucopia and encyclopaedia, an unmeasurable profundity of + knowledge in the most peregrine and sublime disciplines, so frequently the + admiration, and so rarely the concomitants of the imperite vulgar. This + gently compels me, who in preceding times indefatigably kept my private + affections absolutely subjugated, to condescend to make my application to + you in the trivial phrase of the plebeian world, and assure you that you + are well, more than most heartily welcome. +</p> +<p> + I have no hand at making of speeches, quoth Panurge to me privately; + prithee, man, make answer to her for us, if thou canst. This would not + work with me, however; neither did Pantagruel return a word. So that Queen + Whims, or Queen Quintessence (which you please), perceiving that we stood + as mute as fishes, said: Your taciturnity speaks you not only disciples of + Pythagoras, from whom the venerable antiquity of my progenitors in + successive propagation was emaned and derives its original, but also + discovers, that through the revolution of many retrograde moons, you have + in Egypt pressed the extremities of your fingers with the hard tenants of + your mouths, and scalptized your heads with frequent applications of your + unguicules. In the school of Pythagoras, taciturnity was the symbol of + abstracted and superlative knowledge, and the silence of the Egyptians was + agnited as an expressive manner of divine adoration; this caused the + pontiffs of Hierapolis to sacrifice to the great deity in silence, + impercussively, without any vociferous or obstreperous sound. My design is + not to enter into a privation of gratitude towards you, but by a vivacious + formality, though matter were to abstract itself from me, excentricate to + you my cogitations. +</p> +<p> + Having spoken this, she only said to her officers, Tabachins, a panacea; + and straight they desired us not to take it amiss if the queen did not + invite us to dine with her; for she never ate anything at dinner but some + categories, jecabots, emnins, dimions, abstractions, harborins, chelemins, + second intentions, carradoths, antitheses, metempsychoses, transcendent + prolepsies, and such other light food. +</p> +<p> + Then they took us into a little closet lined through with alarums, where we + were treated God knows how. It is said that Jupiter writes whatever is + transacted in the world on the dipthera or skin of the Amalthaean goat that + suckled him in Crete, which pelt served him instead of a shield against the + Titans, whence he was nicknamed Aegiochos. Now, as I hate to drink water, + brother topers, I protest it would be impossible to make eighteen goatskins + hold the description of all the good meat they brought before us, though it + were written in characters as small as those in which were penned Homer's + Iliads, which Tully tells us he saw enclosed in a nutshell. +</p> +<p> + For my part, had I one hundred mouths, as many tongues, a voice of iron, a + heart of oak, and lungs of leather, together with the mellifluous abundance + of Plato, yet I never could give you a full account of a third part of a + second of the whole. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel was telling me that he believed the queen had given the symbolic + word used among her subjects to denote sovereign good cheer, when she said + to her tabachins, A panacea; just as Lucullus used to say, In Apollo, when + he designed to give his friends a singular treat; though sometimes they + took him at unawares, as, among the rest, Cicero and Hortensius sometimes + used to do. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0021"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXI.—How the Queen passed her time after dinner. +</h2> +<p> + When we had dined, a chachanin led us into the queen's hall, and there we + saw how, after dinner, with the ladies and the princes of her court, she + used to sift, searce, bolt, range, and pass away time with a fine large + white and blue silk sieve. We also perceived how they revived ancient + sports, diverting themselves together at— +</p> +<pre> +1. Cordax. 6. Phrygia. 11. Monogas. +2. Emmelia. 7. Thracia. 12. Terminalia. +3. Sicinnia. 8. Calabrisme. 13. Floralia. +4. Jambics. 9. Molossia. 14. Pyrrhice. +5. Persica. 10. Cernophorum. 15. (Nicatism.) + And a thousand other dances. +</pre> +<p> + (Motteux has the following footnote:—'1. A sort of country-dance. 2. A + still tragic dance. 3. Dancing and singing used at funerals. 4. Cutting + sarcasms and lampoons. 5. The Persian dance. 6. Tunes, whose measure + inspired men with a kind of divine fury. 7. The Thracian movement. 8. + Smutty verses. 9. A measure to which the Molossi of Epirus danced a + certain morrice. 10. A dance with bowls or pots in their hands. 11. A + song where one sings alone. 12. Sports at the holidays of the god of + bounds. 13. Dancing naked at Flora's holidays. 14. The Trojan dance in + armour.') +</p> +<p> + Afterwards she gave orders that they should show us the apartments and + curiosities in her palace. Accordingly we saw there such new, strange, and + wonderful things, that I am still ravished in admiration every time I think + of't. However, nothing surprised us more than what was done by the + gentlemen of her household, abstractors, parazons, nebidins, spodizators, + and others, who freely and without the least dissembling told us that the + queen their mistress did all impossible things, and cured men of incurable + diseases; and they, her officers, used to do the rest. +</p> +<p> + I saw there a young parazon cure many of the new consumption, I mean the + pox, though they were never so peppered. Had it been the rankest Roan ague + (Anglice, the Covent-garden gout), 'twas all one to him; touching only + their dentiform vertebrae thrice with a piece of a wooden shoe, he made + them as wholesome as so many sucking-pigs. +</p> +<p> + Another did thoroughly cure folks of dropsies, tympanies, ascites, and + hyposarcides, striking them on the belly nine times with a Tenedian + hatchet, without any solution of the continuum. +</p> +<p> + Another cured all manner of fevers and agues on the spot, only with hanging + a fox-tail on the left side of the patient's girdle. +</p> +<p> + One removed the toothache only with washing thrice the root of the aching + tooth with elder-vinegar, and letting it dry half-an-hour in the sun. +</p> +<p> + Another the gout, whether hot or cold, natural or accidental, by barely + making the gouty person shut his mouth and open his eyes. +</p> +<p> + I saw another ease nine gentlemen of St. Francis's distemper ('A + consumption in the pocket, or want of money; those of St. Francis's order + must carry none about 'em.'—Motteux.) in a very short space of time, + having clapped a rope about their necks, at the end of which hung a box + with ten thousand gold crowns in't. +</p> +<p> + One with a wonderful engine threw the houses out at the windows, by which + means they were purged of all pestilential air. +</p> +<p> + Another cured all the three kinds of hectics, the tabid, atrophes, and + emaciated, without bathing, Tabian milk, dropax, alias depilatory, or other + such medicaments, only turning the consumptive for three months into monks; + and he assured me that if they did not grow fat and plump in a monastic way + of living, they never would be fattened in this world, either by nature or + by art. +</p> +<p> + I saw another surrounded with a crowd of two sorts of women. Some were + young, quaint, clever, neat, pretty, juicy, tight, brisk, buxom, proper, + kind-hearted, and as right as my leg, to any man's thinking. The rest were + old, weather-beaten, over-ridden, toothless, blear-eyed, tough, wrinkled, + shrivelled, tawny, mouldy, phthisicky, decrepit hags, beldams, and walking + carcasses. We were told that his office was to cast anew those she-pieces + of antiquity, and make them such as the pretty creatures whom we saw, who + had been made young again that day, recovering at once the beauty, shape, + size, and disposition which they enjoyed at sixteen; except their heels, + that were now much shorter than in their former youth. +</p> +<p> + This made them yet more apt to fall backwards whenever any man happened to + touch 'em, than they had been before. As for their counterparts, the old + mother-scratch-tobies, they most devoutly waited for the blessed hour when + the batch that was in the oven was to be drawn, that they might have their + turns, and in a mighty haste they were pulling and hauling the man like + mad, telling him that 'tis the most grievous and intolerable thing in + nature for the tail to be on fire and the head to scare away those who + should quench it. +</p> +<p> + The officer had his hands full, never wanting patients; neither did his + place bring him in little, you may swear. Pantagruel asked him whether he + could also make old men young again. He said he could not. But the way to + make them new men was to get 'em to cohabit with a new-cast female; for + this they caught that fifth kind of crinckams, which some call pellade, in + Greek, ophiasis, that makes them cast off their old hair and skin, just as + the serpents do, and thus their youth is renewed like the Arabian + phoenix's. This is the true fountain of youth, for there the old and + decrepit become young, active, and lusty. +</p> +<p> + Just so, as Euripides tells us, Iolaus was transmogrified; and thus Phaon, + for whom kind-hearted Sappho run wild, grew young again, for Venus's use; + so Tithon by Aurora's means; so Aeson by Medea, and Jason also, who, if + you'll believe Pherecides and Simonides, was new-vamped and dyed by that + witch; and so were the nurses of jolly Bacchus, and their husbands, as + Aeschylus relates. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0022"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXII.—How Queen Whims' officers were employed; and how the said lady retained us among her abstractors. +</h2> +<p> + I then saw a great number of the queen's officers, who made blackamoors + white as fast as hops, just rubbing their bellies with the bottom of a + pannier. +</p> +<p> + Others, with three couples of foxes in one yoke, ploughed a sandy shore, + and did not lose their seed. +</p> +<p> + Others washed burnt tiles, and made them lose their colour. +</p> +<p> + Others extracted water out of pumice-stones, braying them a good while in a + mortar, and changed their substance. +</p> +<p> + Others sheared asses, and thus got long fleece wool. +</p> +<p> + Others gathered barberries and figs off of thistles. +</p> +<p> + Others stroked he-goats by the dugs, and saved their milk in a sieve; and + much they got by it. +</p> +<p> + (Others washed asses' heads without losing their soap.) +</p> +<p> + Others taught cows to dance, and did not lose their fiddling. +</p> +<p> + Others pitched nets to catch the wind, and took cock-lobsters in them. +</p> +<p> + I saw a spodizator, who very artificially got farts out of a dead ass, and + sold 'em for fivepence an ell. +</p> +<p> + Another did putrefy beetles. O the dainty food! +</p> +<p> + Poor Panurge fairly cast up his accounts, and gave up his halfpenny (i.e. + vomited), seeing an archasdarpenin who laid a huge plenty of chamber lye to + putrefy in horsedung, mishmashed with abundance of Christian sir-reverence. + Pugh, fie upon him, nasty dog! However, he told us that with this sacred + distillation he watered kings and princes, and made their sweet lives a + fathom or two the longer. +</p> +<p> + Others built churches to jump over the steeples. +</p> +<p> + Others set carts before the horses, and began to flay eels at the tail; + neither did the eels cry before they were hurt, like those of Melun. +</p> +<p> + Others out of nothing made great things, and made great things return to + nothing. +</p> +<p> + Others cut fire into steaks with a knife, and drew water with a fish-net. +</p> +<p> + Others made chalk of cheese, and honey of a dog's t—d. +</p> +<p> + We saw a knot of others, about a baker's dozen in number, tippling under an + arbour. They toped out of jolly bottomless cups four sorts of cool, + sparkling, pure, delicious, vine-tree sirup, which went down like mother's + milk; and healths and bumpers flew about like lightning. We were told that + these true philosophers were fairly multiplying the stars by drinking till + the seven were fourteen, as brawny Hercules did with Atlas. +</p> +<p> + Others made a virtue of necessity, and the best of a bad market, which + seemed to me a very good piece of work. +</p> +<p> + Others made alchemy (i.e. sir-reverence) with their teeth, and clapping + their hind retort to the recipient, made scurvy faces, and then squeezed. +</p> +<p> + Others, in a large grass plot, exactly measured how far the fleas could go + at a hop, a step, and jump; and told us that this was exceedingly useful + for the ruling of kingdoms, the conduct of armies, and the administration + of commonwealths; and that Socrates, who first got philosophy out of + heaven, and from idling and trifling made it profitable and of moment, used + to spend half his philosophizing time in measuring the leaps of fleas, as + Aristophanes the quintessential affirms. +</p> +<p> + I saw two gibroins by themselves keeping watch on the top of a tower, and + we were told they guarded the moon from the wolves. +</p> +<p> + In a blind corner I met four more very hot at it, and ready to go to + loggerheads. I asked what was the cause of the stir and ado, the mighty + coil and pother they made. And I heard that for four livelong days those + overwise roisters had been at it ding-dong, disputing on three high, more + than metaphysical propositions, promising themselves mountains of gold by + solving them. The first was concerning a he-ass's shadow; the second, of + the smoke of a lantern; and the third of goat's hair, whether it were wool + or no. We heard that they did not think it a bit strange that two + contradictions in mode, form, figure, and time should be true; though I + will warrant the sophists of Paris had rather be unchristened than own so + much. +</p> +<p> + While we were admiring all those men's wonderful doings, the evening star + already twinkling, the queen (God bless her!) appeared, attended with her + court, and again amazed and dazzled us. She perceived it, and said to us: +</p> +<p> + What occasions the aberrations of human cogitations through the perplexing + labyrinths and abysses of admiration, is not the source of the effects, + which sagacious mortals visibly experience to be the consequential result + of natural causes. 'Tis the novelty of the experiment which makes + impressions on their conceptive, cogitative faculties; that do not previse + the facility of the operation adequately, with a subact and sedate + intellection, associated with diligent and congruous study. Consequently + let all manner of perturbation abdicate the ventricles of your brains, if + anyone has invaded them while they were contemplating what is transacted by + my domestic ministers. Be spectators and auditors of every particular + phenomenon and every individual proposition within the extent of my + mansion; satiate yourselves with all that can fall here under the + consideration of your visual or auscultating powers, and thus emancipate + yourselves from the servitude of crassous ignorance. And that you may be + induced to apprehend how sincerely I desire this in consideration of the + studious cupidity that so demonstratively emicates at your external organs, + from this present particle of time I retain you as my abstractors. Geber, + my principal Tabachin, shall register and initiate you at your departing. +</p> +<p> + We humbly thanked her queenship without saying a word, accepting of the + noble office she conferred on us. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0023"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXIII.—How the Queen was served at dinner, and of her way of eating. +</h2> +<p> + Queen Whims after this said to her gentlemen: The orifice of the + ventricle, that ordinary embassador for the alimentation of all members, + whether superior or inferior, importunes us to restore, by the apposition + of idoneous sustenance, what was dissipated by the internal calidity's + action on the radical humidity. Therefore spodizators, gesinins, memains, + and parazons, be not culpable of dilatory protractions in the apposition of + every re-roborating species, but rather let them pullulate and superabound + on the tables. As for you, nobilissim praegustators, and my gentilissim + masticators, your frequently experimented industry, internected with + perdiligent sedulity and sedulous perdiligence, continually adjuvates you + to perficiate all things in so expeditious a manner that there is no + necessity of exciting in you a cupidity to consummate them. Therefore I + can only suggest to you still to operate as you are assuefacted + indefatigably to operate. +</p> +<p> + Having made this fine speech, she retired for a while with part of her + women, and we were told that 'twas to bathe, as the ancients did more + commonly than we use nowadays to wash our hands before we eat. The tables + were soon placed, the cloth spread, and then the queen sat down. She ate + nothing but celestial ambrosia, and drank nothing but divine nectar. As + for the lords and ladies that were there, they, as well as we, fared on as + rare, costly, and dainty dishes as ever Apicius wot or dreamed of in his + life. +</p> +<p> + When we were as round as hoops, and as full as eggs, with stuffing the gut, + an olla podrida ('Some call it an Olio. Rabelais Pot-pourry.'—Motteux.) + was set before us to force hunger to come to terms with us, in case it had + not granted us a truce; and such a huge vast thing it was that the plate + which Pythius Althius gave King Darius would hardly have covered it. The + olla consisted of several sorts of pottages, salads, fricassees, + saugrenees, cabirotadoes, roast and boiled meat, carbonadoes, swingeing + pieces of powdered beef, good old hams, dainty somates, cakes, tarts, a + world of curds after the Moorish way, fresh cheese, jellies, and fruit of + all sorts. All this seemed to me good and dainty; however, the sight of it + made me sigh; for alas! I could not taste a bit on't, so full I had filled + my puddings before, and a bellyful is a bellyful you know. Yet I must tell + you what I saw that seemed to me odd enough o' conscience; 'twas some + pasties in paste; and what should those pasties in paste be, d'ye think, + but pasties in pots? At the bottom I perceived store of dice, cards, + tarots ('Great cards on which many different things are figured.' + —Motteux.), luettes ('Pieces of ivory to play withal.'—Motteux.), + chessmen, and chequers, besides full bowls of gold crowns, for those who had + a mind to have a game or two and try their chance. Under this I saw a jolly + company of mules in stately trappings, with velvet footcloths, and a troop + of ambling nags, some for men and some for women; besides I don't know how + many litters all lined with velvet, and some coaches of Ferrara make; all + this for those who had a mind to take the air. +</p> +<p> + This did not seem strange to me; but if anything did 'twas certainly the + queen's way of eating, and truly 'twas very new, and very odd; for she + chewed nothing, the good lady; not but that she had good sound teeth, and + her meat required to be masticated, but such was her highness's custom. + When her praegustators had tasted the meat, her masticators took it and + chewed it most nobly; for their dainty chops and gullets were lined through + with crimson satin, with little welts and gold purls, and their teeth were + of delicate white ivory. Thus, when they had chewed the meat ready for her + highness's maw, they poured it down her throat through a funnel of fine + gold, and so on to her craw. For that reason they told us she never + visited a close-stool but by proxy. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0024"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXIV.—How there was a ball in the manner of a tournament, at which Queen Whims was present. +</h2> +<p> + After supper there was a ball in the form of a tilt or a tournament, not + only worth seeing, but also never to be forgotten. First, the floor of the + hall was covered with a large piece of velveted white and yellow chequered + tapestry, each chequer exactly square, and three full spans in breadth. +</p> +<p> + Then thirty-two young persons came into the hall; sixteen of them arrayed + in cloth of gold, and of these eight were young nymphs such as the ancients + described Diana's attendants; the other eight were a king, a queen, two + wardens of the castle, two knights, and two archers. Those of the other + band were clad in cloth of silver. +</p> +<p> + They posted themselves on the tapestry in the following manner: the kings + on the last line on the fourth square; so that the golden king was on a + white square, and the silvered king on a yellow square, and each queen by + her king; the golden queen on a yellow square, and the silvered queen on a + white one: and on each side stood the archers to guide their kings and + queens; by the archers the knights, and the wardens by them. In the next + row before 'em stood the eight nymphs; and between the two bands of nymphs + four rows of squares stood empty. +</p> +<p> + Each band had its musicians, eight on each side, dressed in its livery; the + one with orange-coloured damask, the other with white; and all played on + different instruments most melodiously and harmoniously, still varying in + time and measure as the figure of the dance required. This seemed to me an + admirable thing, considering the numerous diversity of steps, back-steps, + bounds, rebounds, jerks, paces, leaps, skips, turns, coupes, hops, + leadings, risings, meetings, flights, ambuscadoes, moves, and removes. +</p> +<p> + I was also at a loss when I strove to comprehend how the dancers could so + suddenly know what every different note meant; for they no sooner heard + this or that sound but they placed themselves in the place which was + denoted by the music, though their motions were all different. For the + nymphs that stood in the first file, as if they designed to begin the + fight, marched straight forwards to their enemies from square to square, + unless it were the first step, at which they were free to move over two + steps at once. They alone never fall back (which is not very natural to + other nymphs), and if any of them is so lucky as to advance to the opposite + king's row, she is immediately crowned queen of her king, and after that + moves with the same state and in the same manner as the queen; but till + that happens they never strike their enemies but forwards, and obliquely in + a diagonal line. However, they make it not their chief business to take + their foes; for, if they did, they would leave their queen exposed to the + adverse parties, who then might take her. +</p> +<p> + The kings move and take their enemies on all sides square-ways, and only + step from a white square into a yellow one, and vice versa, except at their + first step the rank should want other officers than the wardens; for then + they can set 'em in their place, and retire by him. +</p> +<p> + The queens take a greater liberty than any of the rest; for they move + backwards and forwards all manner of ways, in a straight line as far as + they please, provided the place be not filled with one of her own party, + and diagonally also, keeping to the colour on which she stands. +</p> +<p> + The archers move backwards or forwards, far and near, never changing the + colour on which they stand. The knights move and take in a lineal manner, + stepping over one square, though a friend or foe stand upon it, posting + themselves on the second square to the right or left, from one colour to + another, which is very unwelcome to the adverse party, and ought to be + carefully observed, for they take at unawares. +</p> +<p> + The wardens move and take to the right or left, before or behind them, like + the kings, and can advance as far as they find places empty; which liberty + the kings take not. +</p> +<p> + The law which both sides observe is, at the end of the fight, to besiege + and enclose the king of either party, so that he may not be able to move; + and being reduced to that extremity, the battle is over, and he loses the + day. +</p> +<p> + Now, to avoid this, there is none of either sex of each party but is + willing to sacrifice his or her life, and they begin to take one another on + all sides in time, as soon as the music strikes up. When anyone takes a + prisoner, he makes his honours, and striking him gently in the hand, puts + him out of the field and combat, and encamps where he stood. +</p> +<p> + If one of the kings chance to stand where he might be taken, it is not + lawful for any of his adversaries that had discovered him to lay hold on + him; far from it, they are strictly enjoined humbly to pay him their + respects, and give him notice, saying, God preserve you, sir! that his + officers may relieve and cover him, or he may remove, if unhappily he could + not be relieved. However, he is not to be taken, but greeted with a + Good-morrow, the others bending the knee; and thus the tournament uses + to end. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0025"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXV.—How the thirty-two persons at the ball fought. +</h2> +<p> + The two companies having taken their stations, the music struck up, and + with a martial sound, which had something of horrid in it, like a point of + war, roused and alarmed both parties, who now began to shiver, and then + soon were warmed with warlike rage; and having got in readiness to fight + desperately, impatient of delay stood waiting for the charge. +</p> +<p> + Then the music of the silvered band ceased playing, and the instruments of + the golden side alone were heard, which denoted that the golden party + attacked. Accordingly, a new movement was played for the onset, and we saw + the nymph who stood before the queen turn to the left towards her king, as + it were to ask leave to fight; and thus saluting her company at the same + time, she moved two squares forwards, and saluted the adverse party. +</p> +<p> + Now the music of the golden brigade ceased playing, and their antagonists + began again. I ought to have told you that the nymph who began by saluting + her company, had by that formality also given them to understand that they + were to fall on. She was saluted by them in the same manner, with a full + turn to the left, except the queen, who went aside towards her king to the + right; and the same manner of salutation was observed on both sides during + the whole ball. +</p> +<p> + The silvered nymph that stood before her queen likewise moved as soon as + the music of her party sounded a charge; her salutations, and those of her + side, were to the right, and her queen's to the left. She moved in the + second square forwards, and saluted her antagonists, facing the first + golden nymph; so that there was not any distance between them, and you + would have thought they two had been going to fight; but they only strike + sideways. +</p> +<p> + Their comrades, whether silvered or golden, followed 'em in an intercalary + figure, and seemed to skirmish a while, till the golden nymph who had first + entered the lists, striking a silvered nymph in the hand on the right, put + her out of the field, and set herself in her place. But soon the music + playing a new measure, she was struck by a silvered archer, who after that + was obliged himself to retire. A silvered knight then sallied out, and the + golden queen posted herself before her king. +</p> +<p> + Then the silvered king, dreading the golden queen's fury, removed to the + right, to the place where his warden stood, which seemed to him strong and + well guarded. +</p> +<p> + The two knights on the left, whether golden or silvered, marched up, and on + either side took up many nymphs who could not retreat; principally the + golden knight, who made this his whole business; but the silvered knight + had greater designs, dissembling all along, and even sometimes not taking a + nymph when he could have done it, still moving on till he was come up to + the main body of the enemies in such a manner that he saluted their king + with a God save you, sir! +</p> +<p> + The whole golden brigade quaked for fear and anger, those words giving + notice of their king's danger; not but that they could soon relieve him, + but because their king being thus saluted they were to lose their warden on + the right wing without any hopes of a recovery. Then the golden king + retired to the left, and the silvered knight took the golden warden, which + was a mighty loss to that party. However, they resolved to be revenged, + and surrounded the knight that he might not escape. He tried to get off, + behaving himself with a great deal of gallantry, and his friends did what + they could to save him; but at last he fell into the golden queen's hands, + and was carried off. +</p> +<p> + Her forces, not yet satisfied, having lost one of her best men, with more + fury than conduct moved about, and did much mischief among their enemies. + The silvered party warily dissembled, watching their opportunity to be even + with them, and presented one of their nymphs to the golden queen, having + laid an ambuscado; so that the nymph being taken, a golden archer had like + to have seized the silvered queen. Then the golden knight undertakes to + take the silvered king and queen, and says, Good-morrow! Then the silvered + archer salutes them, and was taken by a golden nymph, and she herself by a + silvered one. +</p> +<p> + The fight was obstinate and sharp. The wardens left their posts, and + advanced to relieve their friends. The battle was doubtful, and victory + hovered over both armies. Now the silvered host charge and break through + their enemy's ranks as far as the golden king's tent, and now they are + beaten back. The golden queen distinguishes herself from the rest by her + mighty achievements still more than by her garb and dignity; for at once + she takes an archer, and, going sideways, seizes a silvered warden. Which + thing the silvered queen perceiving, she came forwards, and, rushing on + with equal bravery, takes the last golden warden and some nymphs. The two + queens fought a long while hand to hand; now striving to take each other by + surprise, then to save themselves, and sometimes to guard their kings. + Finally, the golden queen took the silvered queen; but presently after she + herself was taken by the silvered archer. +</p> +<p> + Then the silvered king had only three nymphs, an archer, and a warden left, + and the golden only three nymphs and the right knight, which made them + fight more slowly and warily than before. The two kings seemed to mourn + for the loss of their loving queens, and only studied and endeavoured to + get new ones out of all their nymphs to be raised to that dignity, and thus + be married to them. This made them excite those brave nymphs to strive to + reach the farthest rank, where stood the king of the contrary party, + promising them certainly to have them crowned if they could do this. The + golden nymphs were beforehand with the others, and out of their number was + created a queen, who was dressed in royal robes, and had a crown set on her + head. You need not doubt the silvered nymphs made also what haste they + could to be queens. One of them was within a step of the coronation place, + but there the golden knight lay ready to intercept her, so that she could + go no further. +</p> +<p> + The new golden queen, resolved to show herself valiant and worthy of her + advancement to the crown, achieved great feats of arms. But in the + meantime the silvered knight takes the golden warden who guarded the camp; + and thus there was a new silvered queen, who, like the other, strove to + excel in heroic deeds at the beginning of her reign. Thus the fight grew + hotter than before. A thousand stratagems, charges, rallyings, retreats, + and attacks were tried on both sides; till at last the silvered queen, + having by stealth advanced as far as the golden king's tent, cried, God + save you, sir! Now none but his new queen could relieve him; so she + bravely came and exposed herself to the utmost extremity to deliver him out + of it. Then the silvered warden with his queen reduced the golden king to + such a stress that, to save himself, he was forced to lose his queen; but + the golden king took him at last. However, the rest of the golden party + were soon taken; and that king being left alone, the silvered party made + him a low bow, crying, Good morrow, sir! which denoted that the silvered + king had got the day. +</p> +<p> + This being heard, the music of both parties loudly proclaimed the victory. + And thus the first battle ended to the unspeakable joy of all the + spectators. +</p> +<p> + After this the two brigades took their former stations, and began to tilt a + second time, much as they had done before, only the music played somewhat + faster than at the first battle, and the motions were altogether different. + I saw the golden queen sally out one of the first, with an archer and a + knight, as it were angry at the former defeat, and she had like to have + fallen upon the silvered king in his tent among his officers; but having + been baulked in her attempt, she skirmished briskly, and overthrew so many + silvered nymphs and officers that it was a most amazing sight. You would + have sworn she had been another Penthesilea; for she behaved herself with + as much bravery as that Amazonian queen did at Troy. +</p> +<p> + But this havoc did not last long; for the silvered party, exasperated by + their loss, resolved to perish or stop her progress; and having posted an + archer in ambuscado on a distant angle, together with a knight-errant, her + highness fell into their hands and was carried out of the field. The rest + were soon routed after the taking of their queen, who, without doubt, from + that time resolved to be more wary and keep near her king, without + venturing so far amidst her enemies unless with more force to defend her. + Thus the silvered brigade once more got the victory. +</p> +<p> + This did not dishearten or deject the golden party; far from it. They soon + appeared again in the field to face their enemies; and being posted as + before, both the armies seemed more resolute and cheerful than ever. Now + the martial concert began, and the music was above a hemiole the quicker, + according to the warlike Phrygian mode, such as was invented by Marsyas. +</p> +<p> + Then our combatants began to wheel about, and charge with such a swiftness + that in an instant they made four moves, besides the usual salutations. So + that they were continually in action, flying, hovering, jumping, vaulting, + curvetting, with petauristical turns and motions, and often intermingled. +</p> +<p> + Seeing them then turn about on one foot after they had made their honours, + we compared them to your tops or gigs, such as boys use to whip about, + making them turn round so swiftly that they sleep, as they call it, and + motion cannot be perceived, but resembles rest, its contrary; so that if + you make a point or mark on some part of one of those gigs, 'twill be + perceived not as a point, but a continual line, in a most divine manner, as + Cusanus has wisely observed. +</p> +<p> + While they were thus warmly engaged, we heard continually the claps and + episemapsies which those of the two bands reiterated at the taking of their + enemies; and this, joined to the variety of their motions and music, would + have forced smiles out of the most severe Cato, the never-laughing Crassus, + the Athenian man-hater, Timon; nay, even whining Heraclitus, though he + abhorred laughing, the action that is most peculiar to man. For who could + have forborne? seeing those young warriors, with their nymphs and queens, + so briskly and gracefully advance, retire, jump, leap, skip, spring, fly, + vault, caper, move to the right, to the left, every way still in time, so + swiftly, and yet so dexterously, that they never touched one another but + methodically. +</p> +<p> + As the number of the combatants lessened, the pleasure of the spectators + increased; for the stratagems and motions of the remaining forces were more + singular. I shall only add that this pleasing entertainment charmed us to + such a degree that our minds were ravished with admiration and delight, and + the martial harmony moved our souls so powerfully that we easily believed + what is said of Ismenias's having excited Alexander to rise from table and + run to his arms, with such a warlike melody. At last the golden king + remained master of the field; and while we were minding those dances, Queen + Whims vanished, so that we saw her no more from that day to this. +</p> +<p> + Then Geber's michelots conducted us, and we were set down among her + abstractors, as her queenship had commanded. After that we returned to the + port of Mateotechny, and thence straight aboard our ships; for the wind was + fair, and had we not hoisted out of hand, we could hardly have got off in + three quarters of a moon in the wane. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0026"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXVI.—How we came to the island of Odes, where the ways go up and down. +</h2> +<p> + We sailed before the wind, between a pair of courses, and in two days made + the island of Odes, at which place we saw a very strange thing. The ways + there are animals; so true is Aristotle's saying, that all self-moving + things are animals. Now the ways walk there. Ergo, they are then animals. + Some of them are strange unknown ways, like those of the planets; others + are highways, crossways, and byways. I perceived that the travellers and + inhabitants of that country asked, Whither does this way go? Whither does + that way go? Some answered, Between Midy and Fevrolles, to the parish + church, to the city, to the river, and so forth. Being thus in their right + way, they used to reach their journey's end without any further trouble, + just like those who go by water from Lyons to Avignon or Arles. +</p> +<p> + Now, as you know that nothing is perfect here below, we heard there was a + sort of people whom they called highwaymen, waybeaters, and makers of + inroads in roads; and that the poor ways were sadly afraid of them, and + shunned them as you do robbers. For these used to waylay them, as people + lay trains for wolves, and set gins for woodcocks. I saw one who was taken + up with a lord chief justice's warrant for having unjustly, and in spite of + Pallas, taken the schoolway, which is the longest. Another boasted that he + had fairly taken his shortest, and that doing so he first compassed his + design. Thus, Carpalin, meeting once Epistemon looking upon a wall with + his fiddle-diddle, or live urinal, in his hand, to make a little maid's + water, cried that he did not wonder now how the other came to be still the + first at Pantagruel's levee, since he held his shortest and least used. +</p> +<p> + I found Bourges highway among these. It went with the deliberation of an + abbot, but was made to scamper at the approach of some waggoners, who + threatened to have it trampled under their horses' feet, and make their + waggons run over it, as Tullia's chariot did over her father's body. +</p> +<p> + I also espied there the old way between Peronne and St. Quentin, which + seemed to me a very good, honest, plain way, as smooth as a carpet, and as + good as ever was trod upon by shoe of leather. +</p> +<p> + Among the rocks I knew again the good old way to La Ferrare, mounted on a + huge bear. This at a distance would have put me in mind of St. Jerome's + picture, had but the bear been a lion; for the poor way was all mortified, + and wore a long hoary beard uncombed and entangled, which looked like the + picture of winter, or at least like a white-frosted bush. +</p> +<p> + On that way were store of beads or rosaries, coarsely made of wild + pine-tree; and it seemed kneeling, not standing, nor lying flat; but its + sides and middle were beaten with huge stones, insomuch that it proved to us + at once an object of fear and pity. +</p> +<p> + While we were examining it, a runner, bachelor of the place, took us aside, + and showing us a white smooth way, somewhat filled with straw, said, + Henceforth, gentlemen, do not reject the opinion of Thales the Milesian, + who said that water is the beginning of all things, nor that of Homer, who + tells us that all things derive their original from the ocean; for this + same way which you see here had its beginning from water, and is to return + whence she came before two months come to an end; now carts are driven here + where boats used to be rowed. +</p> +<p> + Truly, said Pantagruel, you tell us no news; we see five hundred such + changes, and more, every year, in our world. Then reflecting on the + different manner of going of those moving ways, he told us he believed that + Philolaus and Aristarchus had philosophized in this island, and that + Seleucus (Motteux reads—'that some, indeed, were of opinion.'), indeed, + was of opinion the earth turns round about its poles, and not the heavens, + whatever we may think to the contrary; as, when we are on the river Loire, + we think the trees and the shore moves, though this is only an effect of + our boat's motion. +</p> +<p> + As we went back to our ships, we saw three waylayers, who, having been + taken in ambuscado, were going to be broken on the wheel; and a huge + fornicator was burned with a lingering fire for beating a way and breaking + one of its sides; we were told it was the way of the banks of the Nile in + Egypt. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0027"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXVII.—How we came to the island of Sandals; and of the order of Semiquaver Friars. +</h2> +<p> + Thence we went to the island of Sandals, whose inhabitants live on nothing + but ling-broth. However, we were very kindly received and entertained by + Benius the Third, king of the island, who, after he had made us drink, took + us with him to show us a spick-and-span new monastery which he had + contrived for the Semiquaver Friars; so he called the religious men whom he + had there. For he said that on t'other side the water lived friars who + styled themselves her sweet ladyship's most humble servants. Item, the + goodly Friar-minors, who are semibreves of bulls; the smoked-herring tribe + of Minim Friars; then the Crotchet Friars. So that these diminutives could + be no more than Semiquavers. By the statutes, bulls, and patents of Queen + Whims, they were all dressed like so many house-burners, except that, as in + Anjou your bricklayers use to quilt their knees when they tile houses, so + these holy friars had usually quilted bellies, and thick quilted paunches + were among them in much repute. Their codpieces were cut slipper-fashion, + and every monk among them wore two—one sewed before and another behind + —reporting that some certain dreadful mysteries were duly represented by + this duplicity of codpieces. +</p> +<p> + They wore shoes as round as basins, in imitation of those who inhabit the + sandy sea. Their chins were close-shaved, and their feet iron-shod; and to + show they did not value fortune, Benius made them shave and poll the hind + part of their polls as bare as a bird's arse, from the crown to the + shoulder-blades; but they had leave to let their hair grow before, from the + two triangular bones in the upper part of the skull. +</p> +<p> + Thus did they not value fortune a button, and cared no more for the goods + of this world than you or I do for hanging. And to show how much they + defied that blind jilt, all of them wore, not in their hands like her, but + at their waist, instead of beads, sharp razors, which they used to + new-grind twice a day and set thrice a night. +</p> +<p> + Each of them had a round ball on their feet, because Fortune is said to + have one under hers. +</p> +<p> + The flap of their cowls hanged forward, and not backwards, like those of + others. Thus none could see their noses, and they laughed without fear + both at fortune and the fortunate; neither more nor less than our ladies + laugh at barefaced trulls when they have those mufflers on which they call + masks, and which were formerly much more properly called charity, because + they cover a multitude of sins. +</p> +<p> + The hind part of their faces were always uncovered, as are our faces, which + made them either go with their belly or the arse foremost, which they + pleased. When their hind face went forwards, you would have sworn this had + been their natural gait, as well on account of their round shoes as of the + double codpiece, and their face behind, which was as bare as the back of my + hand, and coarsely daubed over with two eyes and a mouth, such as you see + on some Indian nuts. Now, if they offered to waddle along with their + bellies forwards, you would have thought they were then playing at + blindman's buff. May I never be hanged if 'twas not a comical sight. +</p> +<p> + Their way of living was thus: about owl-light they charitably began to + boot and spur one another. This being done, the least thing they did was + to sleep and snore; and thus sleeping, they had barnacles on the handles of + their faces, or spectacles at most. +</p> +<p> + You may swear we did not a little wonder at this odd fancy; but they + satisfied us presently, telling us that the day of judgment is to take + mankind napping; therefore, to show they did not refuse to make their + personal appearance as fortune's darlings use to do, they were always thus + booted and spurred, ready to mount whenever the trumpet should sound. +</p> +<p> + At noon, as soon as the clock struck, they used to awake. You must know + that their clock-bell, church-bells, and refectory-bells were all made + according to the pontial device, that is, quilted with the finest down, and + their clappers of fox-tails. +</p> +<p> + Having then made shift to get up at noon, they pulled off their boots, and + those that wanted to speak with a maid, alias piss, pissed; those that + wanted to scumber, scumbered; and those that wanted to sneeze, sneezed. + But all, whether they would or no (poor gentlemen!), were obliged largely + and plentifully to yawn; and this was their first breakfast (O rigorous + statute!). Methought 'twas very comical to observe their transactions; + for, having laid their boots and spurs on a rack, they went into the + cloisters. There they curiously washed their hands and mouths; then sat + them down on a long bench, and picked their teeth till the provost gave the + signal, whistling through his fingers; then every he stretched out his jaws + as much as he could, and they gaped and yawned for about half-an-hour, + sometimes more, sometimes less, according as the prior judged the breakfast + to be suitable to the day. +</p> +<p> + After that they went in procession, two banners being carried before them, + in one of which was the picture of Virtue, and that of Fortune in the + other. The last went before, carried by a semi-quavering friar, at whose + heels was another, with the shadow or image of Virtue in one hand and an + holy-water sprinkle in the other—I mean of that holy mercurial water which + Ovid describes in his Fasti. And as the preceding Semiquaver rang a + handbell, this shaked the sprinkle with his fist. With that says + Pantagruel, This order contradicts the rule which Tully and the academics + prescribed, that Virtue ought to go before, and Fortune follow. But they + told us they did as they ought, seeing their design was to breech, lash, + and bethwack Fortune. +</p> +<p> + During the processions they trilled and quavered most melodiously betwixt + their teeth I do not know what antiphones, or chantings, by turns. For my + part, 'twas all Hebrew-Greek to me, the devil a word I could pick out on't; + at last, pricking up my ears, and intensely listening, I perceived they + only sang with the tip of theirs. Oh, what a rare harmony it was! How + well 'twas tuned to the sound of their bells! You'll never find these to + jar, that you won't. Pantagruel made a notable observation upon the + processions; for says he, Have you seen and observed the policy of these + Semiquavers? To make an end of their procession they went out at one of + their church doors and came in at the other; they took a deal of care not + to come in at the place whereat they went out. On my honour, these are a + subtle sort of people, quoth Panurge; they have as much wit as three folks, + two fools and a madman; they are as wise as the calf that ran nine miles to + suck a bull, and when he came there 'twas a steer. This subtlety and + wisdom of theirs, cried Friar John, is borrowed from the occult philosophy. + May I be gutted like an oyster if I can tell what to make on't. Then the + more 'tis to be feared, said Pantagruel; for subtlety suspected, subtlety + foreseen, subtlety found out, loses the essence and very name of subtlety, + and only gains that of blockishness. They are not such fools as you take + them to be; they have more tricks than are good, I doubt. +</p> +<p> + After the procession they went sluggingly into the fratery-room, by the way + of walk and healthful exercise, and there kneeled under the tables, leaning + their breasts on lanterns. While they were in that posture, in came a huge + Sandal, with a pitchfork in his hand, who used to baste, rib-roast, + swaddle, and swinge them well-favouredly, as they said, and in truth + treated them after a fashion. They began their meal as you end yours, with + cheese, and ended it with mustard and lettuce, as Martial tells us the + ancients did. Afterwards a platterful of mustard was brought before every + one of them, and thus they made good the proverb, After meat comes mustard. +</p> +<pre> + Their diet was this: +</pre> +<p> + O' Sundays they stuffed their puddings with puddings, chitterlings, links, + Bologna sausages, forced-meats, liverings, hogs' haslets, young quails, and + teals. You must also always add cheese for the first course, and mustard + for the last. +</p> +<p> + O' Mondays they were crammed with peas and pork, cum commento, and + interlineary glosses. +</p> +<p> + O' Tuesdays they used to twist store of holy-bread, cakes, buns, puffs, + lenten loaves, jumbles, and biscuits. +</p> +<p> + O' Wednesdays my gentlemen had fine sheep's heads, calves' heads, and + brocks' heads, of which there's no want in that country. +</p> +<p> + O' Thursdays they guzzled down seven sorts of porridge, not forgetting + mustard. +</p> +<p> + O' Fridays they munched nothing but services or sorb-apples; neither were + these full ripe, as I guessed by their complexion. +</p> +<p> + O' Saturdays they gnawed bones; not that they were poor or needy, for every + mother's son of them had a very good fat belly-benefice. +</p> +<p> + As for their drink, 'twas an antifortunal; thus they called I don't know + what sort of a liquor of the place. +</p> +<p> + When they wanted to eat or drink, they turned down the back-points or flaps + of their cowls forwards below their chins, and that served 'em instead of + gorgets or slabbering-bibs. +</p> +<p> + When they had well dined, they prayed rarely all in quavers and shakes; and + the rest of the day, expecting the day of judgment, they were taken up with + acts of charity, and particularly— +</p> +<p> + O' Sundays, rubbers at cuffs. +</p> +<p> + O' Mondays, lending each other flirts and fillips on the nose. +</p> +<p> + O' Tuesdays, clapperclawing one another. +</p> +<p> + O' Wednesdays, sniting and fly-flapping. +</p> +<p> + O' Thursdays, worming and pumping. +</p> +<p> + O' Fridays, tickling. +</p> +<p> + O' Saturdays, jerking and firking one another. +</p> +<p> + Such was their diet when they resided in the convent, and if the prior of + the monk-house sent any of them abroad, then they were strictly enjoined + neither to touch nor eat any manner of fish as long as they were on sea or + rivers, and to abstain from all manner of flesh whenever they were at land, + that everyone might be convinced that, while they enjoyed the object, they + denied themselves the power, and even the desire, and were no more moved + with it than the Marpesian rock. +</p> +<p> + All this was done with proper antiphones, still sung and chanted by ear, as + we have already observed. +</p> +<p> + When the sun went to bed, they fairly booted and spurred each other as + before, and having clapped on their barnacles e'en jogged to bed too. At + midnight the Sandal came to them, and up they got, and having well whetted + and set their razors, and been a-processioning, they clapped the tables + over themselves, and like wire-drawers under their work fell to it as + aforesaid. +</p> +<p> + Friar John des Entoumeures, having shrewdly observed these jolly Semiquaver + Friars, and had a full account of their statutes, lost all patience, and + cried out aloud: Bounce tail, and God ha' mercy guts; if every fool should + wear a bauble, fuel would be dear. A plague rot it, we must know how many + farts go to an ounce. Would Priapus were here, as he used to be at the + nocturnal festivals in Crete, that I might see him play backwards, and + wriggle and shake to the purpose. Ay, ay, this is the world, and t'other + is the country; may I never piss if this be not an antichthonian land, and + our very antipodes. In Germany they pull down monasteries and unfrockify + the monks; here they go quite kam, and act clean contrary to others, + setting new ones up, against the hair. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0028"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXVIII.—How Panurge asked a Semiquaver Friar many questions, and was only answered in monosyllables. +</h2> +<a name="image-0007"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/5-28-600.jpg" height="627" width="869" +alt="Friar John and Panurge--5-28-600 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Panurge, who had since been wholly taken up with staring at these royal + Semiquavers, at last pulled one of them by the sleeve, who was as lean as a + rake, and asked him,— +</p> +<p> + Hearkee me, Friar Quaver, Semiquaver, Demisemiquavering quaver, where is + the punk? +</p> +<p> + The Friar, pointing downwards, answered, There. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Pray, have you many? Fri. Few. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How many scores have you? Fri. One. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How many would you have? Fri. Five. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Where do you hide 'em? Fri. Here. +</p> +<p> + Pan. I suppose they are not all of one age; but, pray, how is their shape? + Fri. Straight. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Their complexion? Fri. Clear. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Their hair? Fri. Fair. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Their eyes? Fri. Black. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Their features? Fri. Good. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Their brows? Fri. Small. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Their graces? Fri. Ripe. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Their looks? Fri. Free. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Their feet? Fri. Flat. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Their heels? Fri. Short. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Their lower parts? Fri. Rare. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And their arms? Fri. Long. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What do they wear on their hands? Fri. Gloves. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What sort of rings on their fingers? Fri. Gold. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What rigging do you keep 'em in? Fri. Cloth. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What sort of cloth is it? Fri. New. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What colour? Fri. Sky. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What kind of cloth is it? Fri. Fine. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What caps do they wear? Fri. Blue. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What's the colour of their stockings? Fri. Red. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What wear they on their feet? Fri. Pumps. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How do they use to be? Fri. Foul. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How do they use to walk? Fri. Fast. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Now let us talk of the kitchen, I mean that of the harlots, and + without going hand over head let's a little examine things by particulars. + What is in their kitchens? Fri. Fire. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What fuel feeds it? Fri. Wood. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What sort of wood is't? Fri. Dry. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And of what kind of trees? Fri. Yews. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What are the faggots and brushes of? Fri. Holm. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What wood d'ye burn in your chambers? Fri. Pine. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And of what other trees? Fri. Lime. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Hearkee me; as for the buttocks, I'll go your halves. Pray, how do + you feed 'em? Fri. Well. +</p> +<p> + Pan. First, what do they eat? Fri. Bread. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Of what complexion? Fri. White. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And what else? Fri. Meat. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How do they love it dressed? Fri. Roast. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What sort of porridge? Fri. None. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Are they for pies and tarts? Fri. Much. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Then I'm their man. Will fish go down with them? Fri. Well. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And what else? Fri. Eggs. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How do they like 'em? Fri. Boiled. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How must they be done? Fri. Hard. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Is this all they have? Fri. No. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What have they besides, then? Fri. Beef. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And what else? Fri. Pork. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And what more? Fri. Geese. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What then? Fri. Ducks. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And what besides? Fri. Cocks. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What do they season their meat with? Fri. Salt. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What sauce are they most dainty for? Fri. Must. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What's their last course? Fri. Rice. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And what else? Fri. Milk. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What besides? Fri. Peas. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What sort? Fri. Green. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What do they boil with 'em? Fri. Pork. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What fruit do they eat? Fri. Good. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How? Fri. Raw. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What do they end with? Fri. Nuts. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How do they drink? Fri. Neat. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What liquor? Fri. Wine. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What sort? Fri. White. +</p> +<p> + Pan. In winter? Fri. Strong. +</p> +<p> + Pan. In the spring. Fri. Brisk. +</p> +<p> + Pan. In summer? Fri. Cool. +</p> +<p> + Pan. In autumn? Fri. New. +</p> +<p> + Buttock of a monk! cried Friar John; how plump these plaguy trulls, these + arch Semiquavering strumpets, must be! That damned cattle are so high fed + that they must needs be high-mettled, and ready to wince and give two ups + for one go-down when anyone offers to ride them below the crupper. +</p> +<p> + Prithee, Friar John, quoth Panurge, hold thy prating tongue; stay till I + have done. +</p> +<p> + Till what time do the doxies sit up? Fri. Night. +</p> +<p> + Pan. When do they get up? Fri. Late. +</p> +<p> + Pan. May I ride on a horse that was foaled of an acorn, if this be not as + honest a cod as ever the ground went upon, and as grave as an old gate-post + into the bargain. Would to the blessed St. Semiquaver, and the blessed + worthy virgin St. Semiquavera, he were lord chief president (justice) of + Paris! Ods-bodikins, how he'd despatch! With what expedition would he + bring disputes to an upshot! What an abbreviator and clawer off of + lawsuits, reconciler of differences, examiner and fumbler of bags, peruser + of bills, scribbler of rough drafts, and engrosser of deeds would he not + make! Well, friar, spare your breath to cool your porridge. Come, let's + now talk with deliberation, fairly and softly, as lawyers go to heaven. + Let's know how you victual the venereal camp. How is the snatchblatch? + Fri. Rough. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How is the gateway? Fri. Free. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And how is it within? Fri. Deep. +</p> +<p> + Pan. I mean, what weather is it there? Fri. Hot. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What shadows the brooks? Fri. Groves. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Of what's the colour of the twigs? Fri. Red. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And that of the old? Fri. Grey. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How are you when you shake? Fri. Brisk. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How is their motion? Fri. Quick. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Would you have them vault or wriggle more? Fri. Less. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What kind of tools are yours? Fri. Big. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And in their helves? Fri. Round. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Of what colour is the tip? Fri. Red. +</p> +<p> + Pan. When they've even used, how are they? Fri. Shrunk. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How much weighs each bag of tools? Fri. Pounds. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How hang your pouches? Fri. Tight. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How are they when you've done? Fri. Lank. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Now, by the oath you have taken, tell me, when you have a mind to + cohabit, how you throw 'em? Fri. Down. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And what do they say then? Fri. Fie. +</p> +<p> + Pan. However, like maids, they say nay, and take it; and speak the less, + but think the more, minding the work in hand; do they not? Fri. True. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Do they get you bairns? Fri. None. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How do you pig together? Fri. Bare. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Remember you're upon your oath, and tell me justly and bona fide how + many times a day you monk it? Fri. Six. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How many bouts a-nights? Fri. Ten. +</p> +<p> + Catso, quoth Friar John, the poor fornicating brother is bashful, and + sticks at sixteen, as if that were his stint. Right, quoth Panurge, but + couldst thou keep pace with him, Friar John, my dainty cod? May the + devil's dam suck my teat if he does not look as if he had got a blow over + the nose with a Naples cowl-staff. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Pray, Friar Shakewell, does your whole fraternity quaver and shake at + that rate? Fri. All. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Who of them is the best cock o' the game? Fri. I. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Do you never commit dry-bobs or flashes in the pan? Fri. None. +</p> +<p> + Pan. I blush like any black dog, and could be as testy as an old cook when + I think on all this; it passes my understanding. But, pray, when you have + been pumped dry one day, what have you got the next? Fri. More. +</p> +<p> + Pan. By Priapus, they have the Indian herb of which Theophrastus spoke, or + I'm much out. But, hearkee me, thou man of brevity, should some + impediment, honestly or otherwise, impair your talents and cause your + benevolence to lessen, how would it fare with you, then? Fri. Ill. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What would the wenches do? Fri. Rail. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What if you skipped, and let 'em fast a whole day? Fri. Worse. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What do you give 'em then? Fri. Thwacks. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What do they say to this? Fri. Bawl. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And what else? Fri. Curse. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How do you correct 'em? Fri. Hard. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What do you get out of 'em then? Fri. Blood. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How's their complexion then? Fri. Odd. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What do they mend it with? Fri. Paint. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Then what do they do? Fri. Fawn. +</p> +<p> + Pan. By the oath you have taken, tell me truly what time of the year do + you do it least in? Fri. Now (August.). +</p> +<p> + Pan. What season do you do it best in? Fri. March. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How is your performance the rest of the year? Fri. Brisk. +</p> +<p> + Then quoth Panurge, sneering, Of all, and of all, commend me to Ball; this + is the friar of the world for my money. You've heard how short, concise, + and compendious he is in his answers. Nothing is to be got out of him but + monosyllables. By jingo, I believe he would make three bites of a cherry. +</p> +<p> + Damn him, cried Friar John, that's as true as I am his uncle. The dog + yelps at another gate's rate when he is among his bitches; there he is + polysyllable enough, my life for yours. You talk of making three bites of + a cherry! God send fools more wit and us more money! May I be doomed to + fast a whole day if I don't verily believe he would not make above two + bites of a shoulder of mutton and one swoop of a whole pottle of wine. + Zoons, do but see how down o' the mouth the cur looks! He's nothing but + skin and bones; he has pissed his tallow. +</p> +<p> + Truly, truly, quoth Epistemon, this rascally monastical vermin all over the + world mind nothing but their gut, and are as ravenous as any kites, and + then, forsooth, they tell us they've nothing but food and raiment in this + world. 'Sdeath, what more have kings and princes? +</p> +<a name="2HCH0029"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXIX.—How Epistemon disliked the institution of Lent. +</h2> +<p> + Pray did you observe, continued Epistemon, how this damned ill-favoured + Semiquaver mentioned March as the best month for caterwauling? True, said + Pantagruel; yet Lent and March always go together, and the first was + instituted to macerate and bring down our pampered flesh, to weaken and + subdue its lusts, to curb and assuage the venereal rage. +</p> +<p> + By this, said Epistemon, you may guess what kind of a pope it was who first + enjoined it to be kept, since this filthy wooden-shoed Semiquaver owns that + his spoon is never oftener nor deeper in the porringer of lechery than in + Lent. Add to this the evident reasons given by all good and learned + physicians, affirming that throughout the whole year no food is eaten that + can prompt mankind to lascivious acts more than at that time. +</p> +<p> + As, for example, beans, peas, phasels, or long-peason, ciches, onions, + nuts, oysters, herrings, salt-meats, garum (a kind of anchovy), and salads + wholly made up of venereous herbs and fruits, as— +</p> +<p> + Rocket, Parsley, Hop-buds, + Nose-smart, Rampions, Figs, + Taragon, Poppy, Rice, + Cresses, Celery, Raisins, and others. +</p> +<p> + It would not a little surprise you, said Pantagruel, should a man tell you + that the good pope who first ordered the keeping of Lent, perceiving that + at that time o' year the natural heat (from the centre of the body, whither + it was retired during the winter's cold) diffuses itself, as the sap does + in trees, through the circumference of the members, did therefore in a + manner prescribe that sort of diet to forward the propagation of mankind. + What makes me think so, is that by the registers of christenings at Touars + it appears that more children are born in October and November than in the + other ten months of the year, and reckoning backwards 'twill be easily + found that they were all made, conceived, and begotten in Lent. +</p> +<p> + I listen to you with both my ears, quoth Friar John, and that with no small + pleasure, I'll assure you. But I must tell you that the vicar of Jambert + ascribed this copious prolification of the women, not to that sort of food + that we chiefly eat in Lent, but to the little licensed stooping mumpers, + your little booted Lent-preachers, your little draggle-tailed father + confessors, who during all that time of their reign damn all husbands that + run astray three fathom and a half below the very lowest pit of hell. So + the silly cod's-headed brothers of the noose dare not then stumble any more + at the truckle-bed, to the no small discomfort of their maids, and are even + forced, poor souls, to take up with their own bodily wives. Dixi; I have + done. +</p> +<p> + You may descant on the institution of Lent as much as you please, cried + Epistemon; so many men so many minds; but certainly all the physicians will + be against its being suppressed, though I think that time is at hand. I + know they will, and have heard 'em say were it not for Lent their art would + soon fall into contempt, and they'd get nothing, for hardly anybody would + be sick. +</p> +<p> + All distempers are sowed in lent; 'tis the true seminary and native bed of + all diseases; nor does it only weaken and putrefy bodies, but it also makes + souls mad and uneasy. For then the devils do their best, and drive a + subtle trade, and the tribe of canting dissemblers come out of their holes. + 'Tis then term-time with your cucullated pieces of formality that have one + face to God and another to the devil; and a wretched clutter they make with + their sessions, stations, pardons, syntereses, confessions, whippings, + anathematizations, and much prayer with as little devotion. However, I'll + not offer to infer from this that the Arimaspians are better than we are in + that point; yet I speak to the purpose. +</p> +<p> + Well, quoth Panurge to the Semiquaver friar, who happened to be by, dear + bumbasting, shaking, trilling, quavering cod, what thinkest thou of this + fellow? Is he a rank heretic? Fri. Much. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Ought he not to be singed? Fri. Well. +</p> +<p> + Pan. As soon as may be? Fri. Right. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Should not he be scalded first? Fri. No. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How then, should he be roasted? Fri. Quick. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Till at last he be? Fri. Dead. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What has he made you? Fri. Mad. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What d'ye take him to be? Fri. Damned. +</p> +<p> + Pan. What place is he to go to? Fri. Hell. +</p> +<p> + Pan. But, first, how would you have 'em served here? Fri. Burnt. +</p> +<p> + Pan. Some have been served so? Fri. Store. +</p> +<p> + Pan. That were heretics? Fri. Less. +</p> +<p> + Pan. And the number of those that are to be warmed thus hereafter is? + Fri. Great. +</p> +<p> + Pan. How many of 'em do you intend to save? Fri. None. +</p> +<p> + Pan. So you'd have them burned? Fri. All. +</p> +<p> + I wonder, said Epistemon to Panurge, what pleasure you can find in talking + thus with this lousy tatterdemalion of a monk. I vow, did I not know you + well, I might be ready to think you had no more wit in your head than he + has in both his shoulders. Come, come, scatter no words, returned Panurge; + everyone as they like, as the woman said when she kissed her cow. I wish I + might carry him to Gargantua; when I'm married he might be my wife's fool. + And make you one, cried Epistemon. Well said, quoth Friar John. Now, poor + Panurge, take that along with thee, thou'rt e'en fitted; 'tis a plain case + thou'lt never escape wearing the bull's feather; thy wife will be as common + as the highway, that's certain. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0030"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXX.—How we came to the land of Satin. +</h2> +<p> + Having pleased ourselves with observing that new order of Semiquaver + Friars, we set sail, and in three days our skipper made the finest and most + delightful island that ever was seen. He called it the island of Frieze, + for all the ways were of frieze. +</p> +<p> + In that island is the land of Satin, so celebrated by our court pages. Its + trees and herbage never lose their leaves or flowers, and are all damask + and flowered velvet. As for the beasts and birds, they are all of tapestry + work. There we saw many beasts, birds on trees, of the same colour, + bigness, and shape of those in our country; with this difference, however, + that these did eat nothing, and never sung or bit like ours; and we also + saw there many sorts of creatures which we never had seen before. +</p> +<p> + Among the rest, several elephants in various postures; twelve of which were + the six males and six females that were brought to Rome by their governor + in the time of Germanicus, Tiberius's nephew. Some of them were learned + elephants, some musicians, others philosophers, dancers, and showers of + tricks; and all sat down at table in good order, silently eating and + drinking like so many fathers in a fratery-room. +</p> +<p> + With their snouts or proboscises, some two cubits long, they draw up water + for their own drinking, and take hold of palm leaves, plums, and all manner + of edibles, using them offensively or defensively as we do our fists; with + them tossing men high into the air in fight, and making them burst with + laughing when they come to the ground. +</p> +<p> + They have joints (in their legs), whatever some men, who doubtless never + saw any but painted, may have written to the contrary. Between their teeth + they have two huge horns; thus Juba called 'em, and Pausanias tells us they + are not teeth, but horns; however, Philostratus will have 'em to be teeth, + and not horns. 'Tis all one to me, provided you will be pleased to own + them to be true ivory. These are some three or four cubits long, and are + fixed in the upper jawbone, and consequently not in the lowermost. If you + hearken to those who will tell you to the contrary, you will find yourself + damnably mistaken, for that's a lie with a latchet; though 'twere Aelian, + that long-bow man, that told you so, never believe him, for he lies as fast + as a dog can trot. 'Twas in this very island that Pliny, his brother + tell-truth, had seen some elephants dance on the rope with bells, and whip + over the tables, presto, begone, while people were at feasts, without so + much as touching the toping topers or the topers toping. +</p> +<p> + I saw a rhinoceros there, just such a one as Harry Clerberg had formerly + showed me. Methought it was not much unlike a certain boar which I had + formerly seen at Limoges, except the sharp horn on its snout, that was + about a cubit long; by the means of which that animal dares encounter with + an elephant, that is sometimes killed with its point thrust into its belly, + which is its most tender and defenceless part. +</p> +<p> + I saw there two and thirty unicorns. They are a curst sort of creatures, + much resembling a fine horse, unless it be that their heads are like a + stag's, their feet like an elephant's, their tails like a wild boar's, and + out of each of their foreheads sprouts out a sharp black horn, some six or + seven feet long; commonly it dangles down like a turkey-cock's comb. When + a unicorn has a mind to fight, or put it to any other use, what does it do + but make it stand, and then 'tis as straight as an arrow. +</p> +<p> + I saw one of them, which was attended with a throng of other wild beasts, + purify a fountain with its horn. With that Panurge told me that his + prancer, alias his nimble-wimble, was like the unicorn, not altogether in + length indeed, but in virtue and propriety; for as the unicorn purified + pools and fountains from filth and venom, so that other animals came and + drank securely there afterwards, in the like manner others might water + their nags, and dabble after him without fear of shankers, carnosities, + gonorrhoeas, buboes, crinkams, and such other plagues caught by those who + venture to quench their amorous thirst in a common puddle; for with his + nervous horn he removed all the infection that might be lurking in some + blind cranny of the mephitic sweet-scented hole. +</p> +<p> + Well, quoth Friar John, when you are sped, that is, when you are married, + we will make a trial of this on thy spouse, merely for charity sake, since + you are pleased to give us so beneficial an instruction. +</p> +<p> + Ay, ay, returned Panurge, and then immediately I'll give you a pretty + gentle aggregative pill of God, made up of two and twenty kind stabs with a + dagger, after the Caesarian way. Catso, cried Friar John, I had rather + take off a bumper of good cool wine. +</p> +<p> + I saw there the golden fleece formerly conquered by Jason, and can assure + you, on the word of an honest man, that those who have said it was not a + fleece but a golden pippin, because melon signifies both an apple and a + sheep, were utterly mistaken. +</p> +<p> + I saw also a chameleon, such as Aristotle describes it, and like that which + had been formerly shown me by Charles Maris, a famous physician of the + noble city of Lyons on the Rhone; and the said chameleon lived on air just + as the other did. +</p> +<p> + I saw three hydras, like those I had formerly seen. They are a kind of + serpent, with seven different heads. +</p> +<p> + I saw also fourteen phoenixes. I had read in many authors that there was + but one in the whole world in every century; but, if I may presume to speak + my mind, I declare that those who said this had never seen any, unless it + were in the land of Tapestry; though 'twere vouched by Claudian or + Lactantius Firmianus. +</p> +<p> + I saw the skin of Apuleius's golden ass. +</p> +<p> + I saw three hundred and nine pelicans. +</p> +<p> + Item, six thousand and sixteen Seleucid birds marching in battalia, and + picking up straggling grasshoppers in cornfields. +</p> +<p> + Item, some cynamologi, argatiles, caprimulgi, thynnunculs, onocrotals, or + bitterns, with their wide swallows, stymphalides, harpies, panthers, + dorcasses, or bucks, cemades, cynocephalises, satyrs, cartasans, tarands, + uri, monopses, or bonasi, neades, steras, marmosets, or monkeys, bugles, + musimons, byturoses, ophyri, screech-owls, goblins, fairies, and griffins. +</p> +<p> + I saw Mid-Lent o' horseback, with Mid-August and Mid-March holding its + stirrups. +</p> +<p> + I saw some mankind wolves, centaurs, tigers, leopards, hyenas, + camelopardals, and orixes, or huge wild goats with sharp horns. +</p> +<p> + I saw a remora, a little fish called echineis by the Greeks, and near it a + tall ship that did not get ahead an inch, though she was in the offing with + top and top-gallants spread before the wind. I am somewhat inclined to + believe that 'twas the very numerical ship in which Periander the tyrant + happened to be when it was stopped by such a little fish in spite of wind + and tide. It was in this land of Satin, and in no other, that Mutianus had + seen one of them. +</p> +<p> + Friar John told us that in the days of yore two sorts of fishes used to + abound in our courts of judicature, and rotted the bodies and tormented the + souls of those who were at law, whether noble or of mean descent, high or + low, rich or poor: the first were your April fish or mackerel (pimps, + panders, and bawds); the others your beneficial remoras, that is, the + eternity of lawsuits, the needless lets that keep 'em undecided. +</p> +<p> + I saw some sphynges, some raphes, some ounces, and some cepphi, whose + fore-feet are like hands and their hind-feet like man's. +</p> +<p> + Also some crocutas and some eali as big as sea-horses, with elephants' + tails, boars' jaws and tusks, and horns as pliant as an ass's ears. +</p> +<p> + The crocutas, most fleet animals, as big as our asses of Mirebalais, have + necks, tails, and breasts like a lion's, legs like a stag's, have mouths up + to the ears, and but two teeth, one above and one below; they speak with + human voices, but when they do they say nothing. +</p> +<p> + Some people say that none e'er saw an eyrie, or nest of sakers; if you'll + believe me, I saw no less than eleven, and I'm sure I reckoned right. +</p> +<p> + I saw some left-handed halberds, which were the first that I had ever seen. +</p> +<p> + I saw some manticores, a most strange sort of creatures, which have the + body of a lion, red hair, a face and ears like a man's, three rows of teeth + which close together as if you joined your hands with your fingers between + each other; they have a sting in their tails like a scorpion's, and a very + melodious voice. +</p> +<p> + I saw some catablepases, a sort of serpents, whose bodies are small, but + their heads large, without any proportion, so that they've much ado to lift + them up; and their eyes are so infectious that whoever sees 'em dies upon + the spot, as if he had seen a basilisk. +</p> +<p> + I saw some beasts with two backs, and those seemed to me the merriest + creatures in the world. They were most nimble at wriggling the buttocks, + and more diligent in tail-wagging than any water-wagtails, perpetually + jogging and shaking their double rumps. +</p> +<p> + I saw there some milched crawfish, creatures that I never had heard of + before in my life. These moved in very good order, and 'twould have done + your heart good to have seen 'em. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0031"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXXI.—How in the land of Satin we saw Hearsay, who kept a school of vouching. +</h2> +<p> + We went a little higher up into the country of Tapestry, and saw the + Mediterranean Sea open to the right and left down to the very bottom; just + as the Red Sea very fairly left its bed at the Arabian Gulf to make a lane + for the Jews when they left Egypt. +</p> +<p> + There I found Triton winding his silver shell instead of a horn, and also + Glaucus, Proteus, Nereus, and a thousand other godlings and sea monsters. +</p> +<p> + I also saw an infinite number of fish of all kinds, dancing, flying, + vaulting, fighting, eating, breathing, billing, shoving, milting, spawning, + hunting, fishing, skirmishing, lying in ambuscado, making truces, + cheapening, bargaining, swearing, and sporting. +</p> +<p> + In a blind corner we saw Aristotle holding a lantern in the posture in + which the hermit uses to be drawn near St. Christopher, watching, prying, + thinking, and setting everything down. +</p> +<p> + Behind him stood a pack of other philosophers, like so many bums by a + head-bailiff, as Appian, Heliodorus, Athenaeus, Porphyrius, Pancrates, + Arcadian, Numenius, Possidonius, Ovidius, Oppianus, Olympius, Seleucus, + Leonides, Agathocles, Theophrastus, Damostratus, Mutianus, Nymphodorus, + Aelian, and five hundred other such plodding dons, who were full of + business, yet had little to do; like Chrysippus or Aristarchus of Soli, who + for eight-and-fifty years together did nothing in the world but examine the + state and concerns of bees. +</p> +<p> + I spied Peter Gilles among these, with a urinal in his hand, narrowly + watching the water of those goodly fishes. +</p> +<p> + When we had long beheld everything in this land of Satin, Pantagruel said, + I have sufficiently fed my eyes, but my belly is empty all this while, and + chimes to let me know 'tis time to go to dinner. Let's take care of the + body lest the soul abdicate it; and to this effect let's taste some of + these anacampserotes ('An herb, the touching of which is said to reconcile + lovers.'—Motteux.) that hang over our heads. Psha, cried one, they are + mere trash, stark naught, o' my word; they're good for nothing. +</p> +<p> + I then went to pluck some mirobolans off of a piece of tapestry whereon + they hung, but the devil a bit I could chew or swallow 'em; and had you had + them betwixt your teeth you would have sworn they had been thrown silk; + there was no manner of savour in 'em. +</p> +<p> + One might be apt to think Heliogabalus had taken a hint from thence, to + feast those whom he had caused to fast a long time, promising them a + sumptuous, plentiful, and imperial feast after it; for all the treat used + to amount to no more than several sorts of meat in wax, marble, + earthenware, painted and figured tablecloths. +</p> +<p> + While we were looking up and down to find some more substantial food, we + heard a loud various noise, like that of paper-mills (or women bucking of + linen); so with all speed we went to the place whence the noise came, where + we found a diminutive, monstrous, misshapen old fellow, called Hearsay. + His mouth was slit up to his ears, and in it were seven tongues, each of + them cleft into seven parts. However, he chattered, tattled, and prated + with all the seven at once, of different matters, and in divers languages. +</p> +<p> + He had as many ears all over his head and the rest of his body as Argus + formerly had eyes, and was as blind as a beetle, and had the palsy in his + legs. +</p> +<p> + About him stood an innumerable number of men and women, gaping, listening, + and hearing very intensely. Among 'em I observed some who strutted like + crows in a gutter, and principally a very handsome bodied man in the face, + who held then a map of the world, and with little aphorisms compendiously + explained everything to 'em; so that those men of happy memories grew + learned in a trice, and would most fluently talk with you of a world of + prodigious things, the hundredth part of which would take up a man's whole + life to be fully known. +</p> +<p> + Among the rest they descanted with great prolixity on the pyramids and + hieroglyphics of Egypt, of the Nile, of Babylon, of the Troglodytes, the + Hymantopodes, or crump-footed nation, the Blemiae, people that wear their + heads in the middle of their breasts, the Pigmies, the Cannibals, the + Hyperborei and their mountains, the Egypanes with their goat's feet, and + the devil and all of others; every individual word of it by hearsay. +</p> +<p> + I am much mistaken if I did not see among them Herodotus, Pliny, Solinus, + Berosus, Philostratus, Pomponius Mela, Strabo, and God knows how many other + antiquaries. +</p> +<p> + Then Albert, the great Jacobin friar, Peter Tesmoin, alias Witness, Pope + Pius the Second, Volaterranus, Paulus Jovius the valiant, Jemmy Cartier, + Chaton the Armenian, Marco Polo the Venetian, Ludovico Romano, Pedro + Aliares, and forty cartloads of other modern historians, lurking behind a + piece of tapestry, where they were at it ding-dong, privately scribbling + the Lord knows what, and making rare work of it; and all by hearsay. +</p> +<p> + Behind another piece of tapestry (on which Naboth and Susanna's accusers + were fairly represented), I saw close by Hearsay, good store of men of the + country of Perce and Maine, notable students, and young enough. +</p> +<p> + I asked what sort of study they applied themselves to; and was told that + from their youth they learned to be evidences, affidavit-men, and vouchers, + and were instructed in the art of swearing; in which they soon became such + proficients, that when they left that country, and went back into their + own, they set up for themselves and very honestly lived by their trade of + evidencing, positively giving their testimony of all things whatsoever to + those who feed them most roundly to do a job of journey-work for them; and + all this by hearsay. +</p> +<p> + You may think what you will of it; but I can assure you they gave some of + us corners of their cakes, and we merrily helped to empty their hogsheads. + Then, in a friendly manner, they advised us to be as sparing of truth as + possibly we could if ever we had a mind to get court preferment. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0032"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXXII.—How we came in sight of Lantern-land. +</h2> +<p> + Having been but scurvily entertained in the land of Satin, we went o' + board, and having set sail, in four days came near the coast of + Lantern-land. We then saw certain little hovering fires on the sea. +</p> +<p> + For my part, I did not take them to be lanterns, but rather thought they + were fishes which lolled their flaming tongues on the surface of the sea, + or lampyrides, which some call cicindelas, or glowworms, shining there as + ripe barley does o' nights in my country. +</p> +<p> + But the skipper satisfied us that they were the lanterns of the watch, or, + more properly, lighthouses, set up in many places round the precinct of the + place to discover the land, and for the safe piloting in of some outlandish + lanterns, which, like good Franciscan and Jacobin friars, were coming to + make their personal appearance at the provincial chapter. +</p> +<p> + However, some of us were somewhat suspicious that these fires were the + forerunners of some storm, but the skipper assured us again they were not. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0033"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXXIII.—How we landed at the port of the Lychnobii, and came to Lantern-land. +</h2> +<p> + Soon after we arrived at the port of Lantern-land, where Pantagruel + discovered on a high tower the lantern of Rochelle, that stood us in good + stead, for it cast a great light. We also saw the lantern of Pharos, that + of Nauplion, and that of Acropolis at Athens, sacred to Pallas. +</p> +<p> + Near the port there's a little hamlet inhabited by the Lychnobii, that live + by lanterns, as the gulligutted friars in our country live by nuns; they + are studious people, and as honest men as ever shit in a trumpet. + Demosthenes had formerly lanternized there. +</p> +<p> + We were conducted from that place to the palace by three obeliscolichnys + ('A kind of beacons.'—Motteux.), military guards of the port, with + high-crowned hats, whom we acquainted with the cause of our voyage, and our + design, which was to desire the queen of the country to grant us a lantern + to light and conduct us during our voyage to the Oracle of the Holy Bottle. +</p> +<p> + They promised to assist us in this, and added that we could never have come + in a better time, for then the lanterns held their provincial chapter. +</p> +<p> + When we came to the royal palace we had audience of her highness the Queen + of Lantern-land, being introduced by two lanterns of honour, that of + Aristophanes and that of Cleanthes (Motteux adds here—'Mistresses of the + ceremonies.'). Panurge in a few words acquainted her with the causes of + our voyage, and she received us with great demonstrations of friendship, + desiring us to come to her at supper-time that we might more easily make + choice of one to be our guide; which pleased us extremely. We did not fail + to observe intensely everything we could see, as the garbs, motions, and + deportment of the queen's subjects, principally the manner after which she + was served. +</p> +<p> + The bright queen was dressed in virgin crystal of Tutia wrought damaskwise, + and beset with large diamonds. +</p> +<p> + The lanterns of the royal blood were clad partly with bastard-diamonds, + partly with diaphanous stones; the rest with horn, paper, and oiled cloth. +</p> +<p> + The cresset-lights took place according to the antiquity and lustre of + their families. +</p> +<p> + An earthen dark-lantern, shaped like a pot, notwithstanding this took place + of some of the first quality; at which I wondered much, till I was told it + was that of Epictetus, for which three thousand drachmas had been formerly + refused. +</p> +<p> + Martial's polymix lantern (Motteux gives a footnote:—'A lamp with many + wicks, or a branch'd candlestick with many springs coming out of it, that + supply all the branches with oil.') made a very good figure there. I took + particular notice of its dress, and more yet of the lychnosimity formerly + consecrated by Canopa, the daughter of Tisias. +</p> +<p> + I saw the lantern pensile formerly taken out of the temple of Apollo + Palatinus at Thebes, and afterwards by Alexander the Great (carried to the + town of Cymos). (The words in brackets have been omitted by Motteux.) +</p> +<p> + I saw another that distinguished itself from the rest by a bushy tuft of + crimson silk on its head. I was told 'twas that of Bartolus, the lantern + of the civilians. +</p> +<p> + Two others were very remarkable for glister-pouches that dangled at their + waist. We were told that one was the greater light and the other the + lesser light of the apothecaries. +</p> +<p> + When 'twas supper-time, the queen's highness first sat down, and then the + lady lanterns, according to their rank and dignity. For the first course + they were all served with large Christmas candles, except the queen, who + was served with a hugeous, thick, stiff, flaming taper of white wax, + somewhat red towards the tip; and the royal family, as also the provincial + lantern of Mirebalais, who were served with nutlights; and the provincial + of Lower Poitou, with an armed candle. +</p> +<p> + After that, God wot, what a glorious light they gave with their wicks! I + do not say all, for you must except a parcel of junior lanterns, under the + government of a high and mighty one. These did not cast a light like the + rest, but seemed to me dimmer than any long-snuff farthing candle whose + tallow has been half melted away in a hothouse. +</p> +<p> + After supper we withdrew to take some rest, and the next day the queen made + us choose one of the most illustrious lanterns to guide us; after which we + took our leave. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0034"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXXIV.—How we arrived at the Oracle of the Bottle. +</h2> +<p> + Our glorious lantern lighting and directing us to heart's content, we at + last arrived at the desired island where was the Oracle of the Bottle. As + soon as friend Panurge landed, he nimbly cut a caper with one leg for joy, + and cried to Pantagruel, Now we are where we have wished ourselves long + ago. This is the place we've been seeking with such toil and labour. He + then made a compliment to our lantern, who desired us to be of good cheer, + and not be daunted or dismayed whatever we might chance to see. +</p> +<p> + To come to the Temple of the Holy Bottle we were to go through a large + vineyard, in which were all sorts of vines, as the Falernian, Malvoisian, + the Muscadine, those of Taige, Beaune, Mirevaux, Orleans, Picardent, + Arbois, Coussi, Anjou, Grave, Corsica, Vierron, Nerac, and others. This + vineyard was formerly planted by the good Bacchus, with so great a blessing + that it yields leaves, flowers, and fruit all the year round, like the + orange trees at Suraine. +</p> +<p> + Our magnificent lantern ordered every one of us to eat three grapes, to put + some vine-leaves in his shoes, and take a vine-branch in his left hand. +</p> +<p> + At the end of the close we went under an arch built after the manner of + those of the ancients. The trophies of a toper were curiously carved on + it. +</p> +<p> + First, on one side was to be seen a long train of flagons, leathern + bottles, flasks, cans, glass bottles, barrels, nipperkins, pint pots, quart + pots, pottles, gallons, and old-fashioned semaises (swingeing wooden pots, + such as those out of which the Germans fill their glasses); these hung on a + shady arbour. +</p> +<p> + On another side was store of garlic, onions, shallots, hams, botargos, + caviare, biscuits, neat's tongues, old cheese, and such like comfits, very + artificially interwoven, and packed together with vine-stocks. +</p> +<p> + On another were a hundred sorts of drinking glasses, cups, cisterns, ewers, + false cups, tumblers, bowls, mazers, mugs, jugs, goblets, talboys, and such + other Bacchic artillery. +</p> +<p> + On the frontispiece of the triumphal arch, under the zoophore, was the + following couplet: +</p> +<pre> + You who presume to move this way, + Get a good lantern, lest you stray. +</pre> +<p> + We took special care of that, cried Pantagruel when he had read them; for + there is not a better or a more divine lantern than ours in all + Lantern-land. +</p> +<p> + This arch ended at a fine large round alley covered over with the interlaid + branches of vines, loaded and adorned with clusters of five hundred + different colours, and of as many various shapes, not natural, but due to + the skill of agriculture; some were golden, others bluish, tawny, azure, + white, black, green, purple, streaked with many colours, long, round, + triangular, cod-like, hairy, great-headed, and grassy. That pleasant alley + ended at three old ivy-trees, verdant, and all loaden with rings. Our + enlightened lantern directed us to make ourselves hats with some of their + leaves, and cover our heads wholly with them, which was immediately done. +</p> +<p> + Jupiter's priestess, said Pantagruel, in former days would not like us have + walked under this arbour. There was a mystical reason, answered our most + perspicuous lantern, that would have hindered her; for had she gone under + it, the wine, or the grapes of which 'tis made, that's the same thing, had + been over her head, and then she would have seemed overtopped and mastered + by wine. Which implies that priests, and all persons who devote themselves + to the contemplation of divine things, ought to keep their minds sedate and + calm, and avoid whatever might disturb and discompose their tranquillity, + which nothing is more apt to do than drunkenness. +</p> +<p> + You also, continued our lantern, could not come into the Holy Bottle's + presence, after you have gone through this arch, did not that noble + priestess Bacbuc first see your shoes full of vine-leaves; which action is + diametrically opposite to the other, and signifies that you despise wine, + and having mastered it, as it were, tread it under foot. +</p> +<p> + I am no scholar, quoth Friar John, for which I'm heartily sorry, yet I find + by my breviary that in the Revelation a woman was seen with the moon under + her feet, which was a most wonderful sight. Now, as Bigot explained it to + me, this was to signify that she was not of the nature of other women; for + they have all the moon at their heads, and consequently their brains are + always troubled with a lunacy. This makes me willing to believe what you + said, dear Madam Lantern. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0035"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXXV.—How we went underground to come to the Temple of the Holy Bottle, and how Chinon is the oldest city in the world. +</h2> +<a name="image-0008"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/5-35-618.jpg" height="891" width="592" +alt="Humbly Beseech Your Lanternship--5-35-618 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + We went underground through a plastered vault, on which was coarsely + painted a dance of women and satyrs waiting on old Silenus, who was + grinning o' horseback on his ass. This made me say to Pantagruel, that + this entry put me in mind of the painted cellar in the oldest city in the + world, where such paintings are to be seen, and in as cool a place. +</p> +<p> + Which is the oldest city in the world? asked Pantagruel. 'Tis Chinon, sir, + or Cainon in Touraine, said I. I know, returned Pantagruel, where Chinon + lies, and the painted cellar also, having myself drunk there many a glass + of cool wine; neither do I doubt but that Chinon is an ancient town + —witness its blazon. I own 'tis said twice or thrice: +</p> +<pre> + Chinon, + Little town, + Great renown, + On old stone + Long has stood; + There's the Vienne, if you look down; + If you look up, there's the wood. +</pre> +<p> + But how, continued he, can you make it out that 'tis the oldest city in the + world? Where did you find this written? I have found it in the sacred + writ, said I, that Cain was the first that built a town; we may then + reasonably conjecture that from his name he gave it that of Cainon. Thus, + after his example, most other founders of towns have given them their + names: Athena, that's Minerva in Greek, to Athens; Alexander to + Alexandria; Constantine to Constantinople; Pompey to Pompeiopolis in + Cilicia; Adrian to Adrianople; Canaan, to the Canaanites; Saba, to the + Sabaeans; Assur, to the Assyrians; and so Ptolemais, Caesarea, Tiberias, + and Herodium in Judaea got their names. +</p> +<p> + While we were thus talking, there came to us the great flask whom our + lantern called the philosopher, her holiness the Bottle's governor. He was + attended with a troop of the temple-guards, all French bottles in wicker + armour; and seeing us with our javelins wrapped with ivy, with our + illustrious lantern, whom he knew, he desired us to come in with all manner + of safety, and ordered we should be immediately conducted to the Princess + Bacbuc, the Bottle's lady of honour, and priestess of all the mysteries; + which was done. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0036"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXXVI.—How we went down the tetradic steps, and of Panurge's fear. +</h2> +<p> + We went down one marble step under ground, where there was a resting, or, + as our workmen call it, a landing-place; then, turning to the left, we went + down two other steps, where there was another resting-place; after that we + came to three other steps, turning about, and met a third; and the like at + four steps which we met afterwards. There quoth Panurge, Is it here? How + many steps have you told? asked our magnificent lantern. One, two, three, + four, answered Pantagruel. How much is that? asked she. Ten, returned he. + Multiply that, said she, according to the same Pythagorical tetrad. That + is, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, cried Pantagruel. How much is the whole? + said she. One hundred, answered Pantagruel. Add, continued she, the first + cube—that's eight. At the end of that fatal number you'll find the temple + gate; and pray observe, this is the true psychogony of Plato, so celebrated + by the Academics, yet so little understood; one moiety of which consists of + the unity of the two first numbers full of two square and two cubic + numbers. We then went down those numerical stairs, all under ground, and I + can assure you, in the first place, that our legs stood us in good stead; + for had it not been for 'em, we had rolled just like so many hogsheads into + a vault. Secondly, our radiant lantern gave us just so much light as is in + St. Patrick's hole in Ireland, or Trophonius's pit in Boeotia; which caused + Panurge to say to her, after we had got down some seventy-eight steps: +</p> +<p> + Dear madam, with a sorrowful, aching heart, I most humbly beseech your + lanternship to lead us back. May I be led to hell if I be not half dead + with fear; my heart is sunk down into my hose; I am afraid I shall make + buttered eggs in my breeches. I freely consent never to marry. You have + given yourself too much trouble on my account. The Lord shall reward you + in his great rewarder; neither will I be ungrateful when I come out of this + cave of Troglodytes. Let's go back, I pray you. I'm very much afraid this + is Taenarus, the low way to hell, and methinks I already hear Cerberus + bark. Hark! I hear the cur, or my ears tingle. I have no manner of + kindness for the dog, for there never is a greater toothache than when dogs + bite us by the shins. And if this be only Trophonius's pit, the lemures, + hobthrushes, and goblins will certainly swallow us alive, just as they + devoured formerly one of Demetrius's halberdiers for want of bridles. Art + thou here, Friar John? Prithee, dear, dear cod, stay by me; I'm almost + dead with fear. Hast thou got thy bilbo? Alas! poor pilgarlic's + defenceless. I'm a naked man, thou knowest; let's go back. Zoons, fear + nothing, cried Friar John; I'm by thee, and have thee fast by the collar; + eighteen devils shan't get thee out of my clutches, though I were unarmed. + Never did a man yet want weapons who had a good arm with as stout a heart. + Heaven would sooner send down a shower of them; even as in Provence, in the + fields of La Crau, near Mariannes, there rained stones (they are there to + this day) to help Hercules, who otherwise wanted wherewithal to fight + Neptune's two bastards. But whither are we bound? Are we a-going to the + little children's limbo? By Pluto, they'll bepaw and conskite us all. Or + are we going to hell for orders? By cob's body, I'll hamper, bethwack, and + belabour all the devils, now I have some vine-leaves in my shoes. Thou + shalt see me lay about me like mad, old boy. Which way? where the devil + are they? I fear nothing but their damned horns; but cuckoldy Panurge's + bull-feather will altogether secure me from 'em. Lo! in a prophetic spirit + I already see him, like another Actaeon, horned, horny, hornified. + Prithee, quoth Panurge, take heed thyself, dear frater, lest, till monks + have leave to marry, thou weddest something thou dostn't like, as some + cat-o'-nine-tails or the quartan ague; if thou dost, may I never come safe + and sound out of this hypogeum, this subterranean cave, if I don't tup and + ram that disease merely for the sake of making thee a cornuted, corniferous + property; otherwise I fancy the quartan ague is but an indifferent + bedfellow. I remember Gripe-men-all threatened to wed thee to some such + thing; for which thou calledest him heretic. +</p> +<p> + Here our splendid lantern interrupted them, letting us know this was the + place where we were to have a taste of the creature, and be silent; bidding + us not despair of having the word of the Bottle before we went back, since + we had lined our shoes with vine-leaves. +</p> +<p> + Come on then, cried Panurge, let's charge through and through all the + devils of hell; we can but perish, and that's soon done. However, I + thought to have reserved my life for some mighty battle. Move, move, move + forwards; I am as stout as Hercules, my breeches are full of courage; my + heart trembles a little, I own, but that's only an effect of the coldness + and dampness of this vault; 'tis neither fear nor ague. Come on, move on, + piss, pish, push on. My name's William Dreadnought. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0037"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXXVII.—How the temple gates in a wonderful manner opened of themselves. +</h2> +<p> + After we were got down the steps, we came to a portal of fine jasper, of + Doric order, on whose front we read this sentence in the finest gold, + EN OINO ALETHEIA—that is, In wine truth. The gates were of + Corinthian-like brass, massy, wrought with little vine-branches, finely + embossed and engraven, and were equally joined and closed together in their + mortise without padlock, key-chain, or tie whatsoever. Where they joined, + there hanged an Indian loadstone as big as an Egyptian bean, set in gold, + having two points, hexagonal, in a right line; and on each side, towards the + wall, hung a handful of scordium (garlic germander). +</p> +<p> + There our noble lantern desired us not to take it amiss that she went no + farther with us, leaving us wholly to the conduct of the priestess Bacbuc; + for she herself was not allowed to go in, for certain causes rather to be + concealed than revealed to mortals. However, she advised us to be resolute + and secure, and to trust to her for the return. She then pulled the + loadstone that hung at the folding of the gates, and threw it into a silver + box fixed for that purpose; which done, from the threshold of each gate she + drew a twine of crimson silk about nine feet long, by which the scordium + hung, and having fastened it to two gold buckles that hung at the sides, + she withdrew. +</p> +<p> + Immediately the gates flew open without being touched; not with a creaking + or loud harsh noise like that made by heavy brazen gates, but with a soft + pleasing murmur that resounded through the arches of the temple. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel soon knew the cause of it, having discovered a small cylinder or + roller that joined the gates over the threshold, and, turning like them + towards the wall on a hard well-polished ophites stone, with rubbing and + rolling caused that harmonious murmur. +</p> +<p> + I wondered how the gates thus opened of themselves to the right and left, + and after we were all got in, I cast my eye between the gates and the wall + to endeavour to know how this happened; for one would have thought our kind + lantern had put between the gates the herb aethiopis, which they say opens + some things that are shut. But I perceived that the parts of the gates + that joined on the inside were covered with steel, and just where the said + gates touched when they were opened I saw two square Indian loadstones of a + bluish hue, well polished, and half a span broad, mortised in the temple + wall. Now, by the hidden and admirable power of the loadstones, the steel + plates were put into motion, and consequently the gates were slowly drawn; + however, not always, but when the said loadstone on the outside was + removed, after which the steel was freed from its power, the two bunches of + scordium being at the same time put at some distance, because it deadens + the magnes and robs it of its attractive virtue. +</p> +<p> + On the loadstone that was placed on the right side the following iambic + verse was curiously engraven in ancient Roman characters: +</p> +<pre> + Ducunt volentem fata, nolentem trahunt. + + Fate leads the willing, and th' unwilling draws. +</pre> +<p> + The following sentence was neatly cut in the loadstone that was on the + left: +</p> +<pre> + ALL THINGS TEND TO THEIR END. +</pre> +<a name="2HCH0038"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXXVIII.—Of the Temple's admirable pavement. +</h2> +<p> + When I had read those inscriptions, I admired the beauty of the temple, and + particularly the disposition of its pavement, with which no work that is + now, or has been under the cope of heaven, can justly be compared; not that + of the Temple of Fortune at Praeneste in Sylla's time, or the pavement of + the Greeks, called asarotum, laid by Sosistratus at Pergamus. For this + here was wholly in compartments of precious stones, all in their natural + colours: one of red jasper, most charmingly spotted; another of ophites; a + third of porphyry; a fourth of lycophthalmy, a stone of four different + colours, powdered with sparks of gold as small as atoms; a fifth of agate, + streaked here and there with small milk-coloured waves; a sixth of costly + chalcedony or onyx-stone; and another of green jasper, with certain red and + yellowish veins. And all these were disposed in a diagonal line. +</p> +<p> + At the portico some small stones were inlaid and evenly joined on the + floor, all in their native colours, to embellish the design of the figures; + and they were ordered in such a manner that you would have thought some + vine-leaves and branches had been carelessly strewed on the pavement; for + in some places they were thick, and thin in others. That inlaying was very + wonderful everywhere. Here were seen, as it were in the shade, some snails + crawling on the grapes; there, little lizards running on the branches. On + this side were grapes that seemed yet greenish; on another, some clusters + that seemed full ripe, so like the true that they could as easily have + deceived starlings and other birds as those which Zeuxis drew. +</p> +<p> + Nay, we ourselves were deceived; for where the artist seemed to have + strewed the vine-branches thickest, we could not forbear walking with great + strides lest we should entangle our feet, just as people go over an unequal + stony place. +</p> +<p> + I then cast my eyes on the roof and walls of the temple, that were all + pargetted with porphyry and mosaic work, which from the left side at the + coming in most admirably represented the battle in which the good Bacchus + overthrew the Indians; as followeth. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0039"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XXXIX.—How we saw Bacchus's army drawn up in battalia in mosaic work. +</h2> +<p> + At the beginning, divers towns, hamlets, castles, fortresses, and forests + were seen in flames; and several mad and loose women, who furiously ripped + up and tore live calves, sheep, and lambs limb from limb, and devoured + their flesh. There we learned how Bacchus, at his coming into India, + destroyed all things with fire and sword. +</p> +<p> + Notwithstanding this, he was so despised by the Indians that they did not + think it worth their while to stop his progress, having been certainly + informed by their spies that his camp was destitute of warriors, and that + he had only with him a crew of drunken females, a low-built, old, + effeminate, sottish fellow, continually addled, and as drunk as a + wheelbarrow, with a pack of young clownish doddipolls, stark naked, always + skipping and frisking up and down, with tails and horns like those of young + kids. +</p> +<p> + For this reason the Indians had resolved to let them go through their + country without the least opposition, esteeming a victory over such enemies + more dishonourable than glorious. +</p> +<p> + In the meantime Bacchus marched on, burning everything; for, as you know, + fire and thunder are his paternal arms, Jupiter having saluted his mother + Semele with his thunder, so that his maternal house was ruined by fire. + Bacchus also caused a great deal of blood to be spilt; which, when he is + roused and angered, principally in war, is as natural to him as to make + some in time of peace. +</p> +<p> + Thus the plains of the island of Samos are called Panema, which signifies + bloody, because Bacchus there overtook the Amazons, who fled from the + country of Ephesus, and there let 'em blood, so that they all died of + phlebotomy. This may give you a better insight into the meaning of an + ancient proverb than Aristotle has done in his problems, viz., Why 'twas + formerly said, Neither eat nor sow any mint in time of war. The reason is, + that blows are given then without any distinction of parts or persons, and + if a man that's wounded has that day handled or eaten any mint, 'tis + impossible, or at least very hard, to stanch his blood. +</p> +<p> + After this, Bacchus was seen marching in battalia, riding in a stately + chariot drawn by six young leopards. He looked as young as a child, to + show that all good topers never grow old. He was as red as a cherry, or a + cherub, which you please, and had no more hair on his chin than there's in + the inside of my hand. His forehead was graced with pointed horns, above + which he wore a fine crown or garland of vine-leaves and grapes, and a + mitre of crimson velvet, having also gilt buskins on. +</p> +<p> + He had not one man with him that looked like a man; his guards and all his + forces consisted wholly of Bassarides, Evantes, Euhyades, Edonides, + Trietherides, Ogygiae, Mimallonides, Maenades, Thyades, and Bacchae, + frantic, raving, raging, furious, mad women, begirt with live snakes and + serpents instead of girdles, dishevelled, their hair flowing about their + shoulders, with garlands of vine-branches instead of forehead-cloths, clad + with stag's or goat's skins, and armed with torches, javelins, spears, and + halberds whose ends were like pineapples. Besides, they had certain small + light bucklers that gave a loud sound if you touched 'em never so little, + and these served them instead of drums. They were just seventy-nine + thousand two hundred and twenty-seven. +</p> +<p> + Silenus, who led the van, was one on whom Bacchus relied very much, having + formerly had many proofs of his valour and conduct. He was a diminutive, + stooping, palsied, plump, gorbellied old fellow, with a swingeing pair of + stiff-standing lugs of his own, a sharp Roman nose, large rough eyebrows, + mounted on a well-hung ass. In his fist he held a staff to lean upon, and + also bravely to fight whenever he had occasion to alight; and he was + dressed in a woman's yellow gown. His followers were all young, wild, + clownish people, as hornified as so many kids and as fell as so many + tigers, naked, and perpetually singing and dancing country-dances. They + were called tityri and satyrs, and were in all eighty-five thousand one + hundred and thirty-three. +</p> +<p> + Pan, who brought up the rear, was a monstrous sort of a thing; for his + lower parts were like a goat's, his thighs hairy, and his horns bolt + upright; a crimson fiery phiz, and a beard that was none of the shortest. + He was a bold, stout, daring, desperate fellow, very apt to take pepper in + the nose for yea and nay. +</p> +<p> + In his left hand he held a pipe, and a crooked stick in his right. His + forces consisted also wholly of satyrs, aegipanes, agripanes, sylvans, + fauns, lemures, lares, elves, and hobgoblins, and their number was + seventy-eight thousand one hundred and fourteen. The signal or word + common to all the army was Evohe. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0040"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XL.—How the battle in which the good Bacchus overthrew the Indians was represented in mosaic work. +</h2> +<p> + In the next place we saw the representation of the good Bacchus's + engagement with the Indians. Silenus, who led the van, was sweating, + puffing, and blowing, belabouring his ass most grievously. The ass + dreadfully opened its wide jaws, drove away the flies that plagued it, + winced, flounced, went back, and bestirred itself in a most terrible + manner, as if some damned gad-bee had stung it at the breech. +</p> +<p> + The satyrs, captains, sergeants, and corporals of companies, sounding the + orgies with cornets, in a furious manner went round the army, skipping, + capering, bounding, jerking, farting, flying out at heels, kicking and + prancing like mad, encouraging their companions to fight bravely; and all + the delineated army cried out Evohe! +</p> +<p> + First, the Maenades charged the Indians with dreadful shouts, and a horrid + din of their brazen drums and bucklers; the air rung again all around, as + the mosaic work well expressed it. And pray for the future don't so much + admire Apelles, Aristides the Theban, and others who drew claps of thunder, + lightnings, winds, words, manners, and spirits. +</p> +<p> + We then saw the Indian army, who had at last taken the field to prevent the + devastation of the rest of their country. In the front were the elephants, + with castles well garrisoned on their backs. But the army and themselves + were put into disorder; the dreadful cries of the Bacchae having filled + them with consternation, and those huge animals turned tail and trampled on + the men of their party. +</p> +<p> + There you might have seen gaffer Silenus on his ass, putting on as hard as + he could, striking athwart and alongst, and laying about him lustily with + his staff after the old fashion of fencing. His ass was prancing and + making after the elephants, gaping and martially braying, as it were to + sound a charge, as he did when formerly in the Bacchanalian feasts he waked + the nymph Lottis, when Priapus, full of priapism, had a mind to priapize + while the pretty creature was taking a nap. +</p> +<p> + There you might have seen Pan frisk it with his goatish shanks about the + Maenades, and with his rustic pipe excite them to behave themselves like + Maenades. +</p> +<p> + A little further you might have blessed your eyes with the sight of a young + satyr who led seventeen kings his prisoners; and a Bacchis, who with her + snakes hauled along no less than two and forty captains; a little faun, who + carried a whole dozen of standards taken from the enemy; and goodman + Bacchus on his chariot, riding to and fro fearless of danger, making much + of his dear carcass, and cheerfully toping to all his merry friends. +</p> +<p> + Finally, we saw the representation of his triumph, which was thus: first, + his chariot was wholly lined with ivy gathered on the mountain Meros; this + for its scarcity, which you know raises the price of everything, and + principally of those leaves in India. In this Alexander the Great followed + his example at his Indian triumph. The chariot was drawn by elephants + joined together, wherein he was imitated by Pompey the Great at Rome in his + African triumph. The good Bacchus was seen drinking out of a mighty urn, + which action Marius aped after his victory over the Cimbri near Aix in + Provence. All his army were crowned with ivy; their javelins, bucklers, + and drums were also wholly covered with it; there was not so much as + Silenus's ass but was betrapped with it. +</p> +<p> + The Indian kings were fastened with chains of gold close by the wheels of + the chariot. All the company marched in pomp with unspeakable joy, loaded + with an infinite number of trophies, pageants, and spoils, playing and + singing merry epiniciums, songs of triumph, and also rural lays and + dithyrambs. +</p> +<p> + At the farthest end was a prospect of the land of Egypt; the Nile with its + crocodiles, marmosets, ibides, monkeys, trochiloses, or wrens, ichneumons, + or Pharoah's mice, hippopotami, or sea-horses, and other creatures, its + guests and neighbours. Bacchus was moving towards that country under the + conduct of a couple of horned beasts, on one of which was written in gold, + Apis, and Osiris on the other; because no ox or cow had been seen in Egypt + till Bacchus came thither. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0041"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XLI.—How the temple was illuminated with a wonderful lamp. +</h2> +<p> + Before I proceed to the description of the Bottle, I'll give you that of an + admirable lamp that dispensed so large a light over all the temple that, + though it lay underground, we could distinguish every object as clearly as + above it at noonday. +</p> +<p> + In the middle of the roof was fixed a ring of massive gold, as thick as my + clenched fist. Three chains somewhat less, most curiously wrought, hung + about two feet and a half below it, and in a triangle supported a round + plate of fine gold whose diameter or breadth did not exceed two cubits and + half a span. There were four holes in it, in each of which an empty ball + was fastened, hollow within, and open o' top, like a little lamp; its + circumference about two hands' breadth. Each ball was of precious stone; + one an amethyst, another an African carbuncle, the third an opal, and the + fourth an anthracites. They were full of burning water five times + distilled in a serpentine limbec, and inconsumptible, like the oil formerly + put into Pallas' golden lamp at Acropolis of Athens by Callimachus. In + each of them was a flaming wick, partly of asbestine flax, as of old in the + temple of Jupiter Ammon, such as those which Cleombrotus, a most studious + philosopher, saw, and partly of Carpasian flax (Ozell's correction. + Motteux reads, 'which Cleombrotus, a most studious philosopher, and + Pandelinus of Carpasium had, which were,' &c.), which were rather renewed + than consumed by the fire. +</p> +<p> + About two foot and a half below that gold plate, the three chains were + fastened to three handles that were fixed to a large round lamp of most + pure crystal, whose diameter was a cubit and a half, and opened about two + hands' breadths o' top; by which open place a vessel of the same crystal, + shaped somewhat like the lower part of a gourd-like limbec, or an urinal, + was put at the bottom of the great lamp, with such a quantity of the + afore-mentioned burning water, that the flame of the asbestine wick reached + the centre of the great lamp. This made all its spherical body seem to burn + and be in a flame, because the fire was just at the centre and middle point, + so that it was not more easy to fix the eye on it than on the disc of the + sun, the matter being wonderfully bright and shining, and the work most + transparent and dazzling by the reflection of the various colours of the + precious stones whereof the four small lamps above the main lamp were made, + and their lustre was still variously glittering all over the temple. Then + this wandering light being darted on the polished marble and agate with + which all the inside of the temple was pargetted, our eyes were entertained + with a sight of all the admirable colours which the rainbow can boast when + the sun darts his fiery rays on some dropping clouds. +</p> +<p> + The design of the lamp was admirable in itself, but, in my opinion, what + added much to the beauty of the whole, was that round the body of the + crystal lamp there was carved in cataglyphic work a lively and pleasant + battle of naked boys, mounted on little hobby-horses, with little whirligig + lances and shields that seemed made of vine-branches with grapes on them; + their postures generally were very different, and their childish strife and + motions were so ingeniously expressed that art equalled nature in every + proportion and action. Neither did this seem engraved, but rather hewed + out and embossed in relief, or at least like grotesque, which, by the + artist's skill, has the appearance of the roundness of the object it + represents. This was partly the effect of the various and most charming + light, which, flowing out of the lamp, filled the carved places with its + glorious rays. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0042"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> +Chapter 5.XLII—How the Priestess Bacbuc showed us +a fantastic fountain in the temple, and how the fountain-water had the taste of wine, + according to the imagination of those who drank of it.</h2> +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p>('This and the next chapter make really but one, tho' Mr. Motteux has +made two of them; the first of which contains but eight lines, according to him, and +ends at the words fantastic fountain.'—Ozell.).</p> +</blockquote></blockquote> +<p> + While we were admiring this incomparable lamp and the stupendous structure + of the temple, the venerable priestess Bacbuc and her attendants came to us + with jolly smiling looks, and seeing us duly accoutred, without the least + difficulty took us into the middle of the temple, where, just under the + aforesaid lamp, was the fine fantastic fountain. She then ordered some + cups, goblets, and talboys of gold, silver, and crystal to be brought, and + kindly invited us to drink of the liquor that sprung there, which we + readily did; for, to say the truth, this fantastic fountain was very + inviting, and its materials and workmanship more precious, rare, and + admirable than anything Plato ever dreamt of in limbo. +</p> +<p> + Its basis or groundwork was of most pure and limpid alabaster, and its + height somewhat more than three spans, being a regular heptagon on the + outside, with its stylobates or footsteps, arulets, cymasults or blunt + tops, and Doric undulations about it. It was exactly round within. On the + middle point of each angle brink stood a pillar orbiculated in form of + ivory or alabaster solid rings. These were seven in number, according to + the number of the angles (This sentence, restored by Ozell, is omitted by + Motteux.). +</p> +<p> + Each pillar's length from the basis to the architraves was near seven + hands, taking an exact dimension of its diameter through the centre of its + circumference and inward roundness; and it was so disposed that, casting + our eyes behind one of them, whatever its cube might be, to view its + opposite, we found that the pyramidal cone of our visual line ended at the + said centre, and there, by the two opposites, formed an equilateral + triangle whose two lines divided the pillar into two equal parts. +</p> +<p> + That which we had a mind to measure, going from one side to another, two + pillars over, at the first third part of the distance between them, was met + by their lowermost and fundamental line, which, in a consult line drawn as + far as the universal centre, equally divided, gave, in a just partition, + the distance of the seven opposite pillars in a right line, beginning at + the obtuse angle on the brink, as you know that an angle is always found + placed between two others in all angular figures odd in number. +</p> +<p> + This tacitly gave us to understand that seven semidiameters are in + geometrical proportion, compass, and distance somewhat less than the + circumference of a circle, from the figure of which they are extracted; + that is to say, three whole parts, with an eighth and a half, a little + more, or a seventh and a half, a little less, according to the instructions + given us of old by Euclid, Aristotle, Archimedes, and others. +</p> +<p> + The first pillar, I mean that which faced the temple gate, was of azure, + sky-coloured sapphire. +</p> +<p> + The second, of hyacinth, a precious stone exactly of the colour of the + flower into which Ajax's choleric blood was transformed; the Greek letters + A I being seen on it in many places. +</p> +<p> + The third, an anachite diamond, as bright and glittering as lightning. +</p> +<p> + The fourth, a masculine ruby balas (peach-coloured) amethystizing, its + flame and lustre ending in violet or purple like an amethyst. +</p> +<p> + The fifth, an emerald, above five hundred and fifty times more precious + than that of Serapis in the labyrinth of the Egyptians, and more verdant + and shining than those that were fixed, instead of eyes, in the marble + lion's head near King Hermias's tomb. +</p> +<p> + The sixth, of agate, more admirable and various in the distinctions of its + veins, clouds, and colours than that which Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, so + mightily esteemed. +</p> +<p> + The seventh, of syenites, transparent, of the colour of a beryl and the + clear hue of Hymetian honey; and within it the moon was seen, such as we + see it in the sky, silent, full, new, and in the wane. +</p> +<p> + These stones were assigned to the seven heavenly planets by the ancient + Chaldaeans; and that the meanest capacities might be informed of this, just + at the central perpendicular line, on the chapter of the first pillar, + which was of sapphire, stood the image of Saturn in elutian (Motteux reads + 'Eliacim.') lead, with his scythe in his hand, and at his feet a crane of + gold, very artfully enamelled, according to the native hue of the saturnine + bird. +</p> +<p> + On the second, which was of hyacinth, towards the left, Jupiter was seen in + jovetian brass, and on his breast an eagle of gold enamelled to the life. +</p> +<p> + On the third was Phoebus of the purest gold, and a white cock in his right + hand. +</p> +<p> + On the fourth was Mars in Corinthian brass, and a lion at his feet. +</p> +<p> + On the fifth was Venus in copper, the metal of which Aristonides made + Athamas's statue, that expressed in a blushing whiteness his confusion at + the sight of his son Learchus, who died at his feet of a fall. +</p> +<p> + On the sixth was Mercury in hydrargyre. I would have said quicksilver, had + it not been fixed, malleable, and unmovable. That nimble deity had a stork + at his feet. +</p> +<p> + On the seventh was the Moon in silver, with a greyhound at her feet. +</p> +<p> + The size of these statues was somewhat more than a third part of the + pillars on which they stood, and they were so admirably wrought according + to mathematical proportion that Polycletus's canon could hardly have stood + in competition with them. +</p> +<p> + The bases of the pillars, the chapters, the architraves, zoophores, and + cornices were Phrygian work of massive gold, purer and finer than any that + is found in the rivers Leede near Montpellier, Ganges in India, Po in + Italy, Hebrus in Thrace, Tagus in Spain, and Pactolus in Lydia. +</p> +<p> + The small arches between the pillars were of the same precious stone of + which the pillars next to them were. Thus, that arch was of sapphire which + ended at the hyacinth pillar, and that was of hyacinth which went towards + the diamond, and so on. +</p> +<p> + Above the arches and chapters of the pillars, on the inward front, a cupola + was raised to cover the fountain. It was surrounded by the planetary + statues, heptagonal at the bottom, and spherical o' top, and of crystal so + pure, transparent, well-polished, whole and uniform in all its parts, + without veins, clouds, flaws, or streaks, that Xenocrates never saw such a + one in his life. +</p> +<p> + Within it were seen the twelve signs of the zodiac, the twelve months of + the year, with their properties, the two equinoxes, the ecliptic line, with + some of the most remarkable fixed stars about the antartic pole and + elsewhere, so curiously engraven that I fancied them to be the workmanship + of King Necepsus, or Petosiris, the ancient mathematician. +</p> +<p> + On the top of the cupola, just over the centre of the fountain, were three + noble long pearls, all of one size, pear fashion, perfectly imitating a + tear, and so joined together as to represent a flower-de-luce or lily, each + of the flowers seeming above a hand's breadth. A carbuncle jetted out of + its calyx or cup as big as an ostrich's egg, cut seven square (that number + so beloved of nature), and so prodigiously glorious that the sight of it + had like to have made us blind, for the fiery sun or the pointed lightning + are not more dazzling and unsufferably bright. +</p> +<p> + Now, were some judicious appraisers to judge of the value of this + incomparable fountain, and the lamp of which we have spoke, they would + undoubtedly affirm it exceeds that of all the treasures and curiosities in + Europe, Asia, and Africa put together. For that carbuncle alone would have + darkened the pantarbe of Iarchus (Motteux reads 'Joachas.') the Indian + magician, with as much ease as the sun outshines and dims the stars with + his meridian rays. +</p> +<p> + Nor let Cleopatra, that Egyptian queen, boast of her pair of pendants, + those two pearls, one of which she caused to be dissolved in vinegar, in + the presence of Antony the Triumvir, her gallant. +</p> +<p> + Or let Pompeia Plautina be proud of her dress covered all over with + emeralds and pearls curiously intermixed, she who attracted the eyes of all + Rome, and was said to be the pit and magazine of the conquering robbers of + the universe. +</p> +<p> + The fountain had three tubes or channels of right pearl, seated in three + equilateral angles already mentioned, extended on the margin, and those + channels proceeded in a snail-like line, winding equally on both sides. +</p> +<p> + We looked on them a while, and had cast our eyes on another side, when + Bacbuc directed us to watch the water. We then heard a most harmonious + sound, yet somewhat stopped by starts, far distant, and subterranean, by + which means it was still more pleasing than if it had been free, + uninterrupted, and near us, so that our minds were as agreeably entertained + through our ears with that charming melody as they were through the windows + of our eyes with those delightful objects. +</p> +<p> + Bacbuc then said, Your philosophers will not allow that motion is begot by + the power of figures; look here, and see the contrary. By that single + snail-like motion, equally divided as you see, and a fivefold infoliature, + movable at every inward meeting, such as is the vena cava where it enters + into the right ventricle of the heart; just so is the flowing of this + fountain, and by it a harmony ascends as high as your world's ocean. +</p> +<p> + She then ordered her attendants to make us drink; and, to tell you the + truth of the matter as near as possible, we are not, heaven be praised! of + the nature of a drove of calf-lollies, who (as your sparrows can't feed + unless you bob them on the tail) must be rib-roasted with tough crabtree + and firked into a stomach, or at least into an humour to eat or drink. No, + we know better things, and scorn to scorn any man's civility who civilly + invites us to a drinking bout. Bacbuc asked us then how we liked our tiff. + We answered that it seemed to us good harmless sober Adam's liquor, fit to + keep a man in the right way, and, in a word, mere element; more cool and + clear than Argyrontes in Aetolia, Peneus in Thessaly, Axius in Mygdonia, or + Cydnus in Cilicia, a tempting sight of whose cool silver stream caused + Alexander to prefer the short-lived pleasure of bathing himself in it to + the inconveniences which he could not but foresee would attend so + ill-termed an action. +</p> +<p> + This, said Bacbuc, comes of not considering with ourselves, or + understanding the motions of the musculous tongue, when the drink glides on + it in its way to the stomach. Tell me, noble strangers, are your throats + lined, paved, or enamelled, as formerly was that of Pithyllus, nicknamed + Theutes, that you can have missed the taste, relish, and flavour of this + divine liquor? Here, said she, turning towards her gentlewomen, bring my + scrubbing-brushes, you know which, to scrape, rake, and clear their + palates. +</p> +<p> + They brought immediately some stately, swingeing, jolly hams, fine + substantial neat's tongues, good hung-beef, pure and delicate botargos, + venison, sausages, and such other gullet-sweepers. And, to comply with her + invitation, we crammed and twisted till we owned ourselves thoroughly cured + of thirst, which before did damnably plague us. +</p> +<p> + We are told, continued she, that formerly a learned and valiant Hebrew + chief, leading his people through the deserts, where they were in danger of + being famished, obtained of God some manna, whose taste was to them, by + imagination, such as that of meat was to them before in reality; thus, + drinking of this miraculous liquor, you'll find it taste like any wine that + you shall fancy you drink. Come, then, fancy and drink. We did so, and + Panurge had no sooner whipped off his brimmer but he cried, By Noah's open + shop, 'tis vin de Beaune, better than ever was yet tipped over tongue, or + may ninety-six devils swallow me. Oh! that to keep its taste the longer, + we gentlemen topers had but necks some three cubits long or so, as + Philoxenus desired to have, or, at least, like a crane's, as Melanthius + wished his. +</p> +<p> + On the faith of true lanterners, quoth Friar John, 'tis gallant, sparkling + Greek wine. Now, for God's sake, sweetheart, do but teach me how the devil + you make it. It seems to me Mirevaux wine, said Pantagruel; for before I + drank I supposed it to be such. Nothing can be misliked in it, but that + 'tis cold; colder, I say, than the very ice; colder than the Nonacrian and + Dercean (Motteux reads 'Deraen.') water, or the Conthoporian (Motteux, + 'Conthopian.') spring at Corinth, that froze up the stomach and nutritive + parts of those that drank of it. +</p> +<p> + Drink once, twice, or thrice more, said Bacbuc, still changing your + imagination, and you shall find its taste and flavour to be exactly that on + which you shall have pitched. Then never presume to say that anything is + impossible to God. We never offered to say such a thing, said I; far from + it, we maintain he is omnipotent. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0043"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XLIII.—How the Priestess Bacbuc equipped Panurge in order to have the word of the Bottle. +</h2> +<p> + When we had thus chatted and tippled, Bacbuc asked, Who of you here would + have the word of the Bottle? I, your most humble little funnel, an't + please you, quoth Panurge. Friend, saith she, I have but one thing to tell + you, which is, that when you come to the Oracle, you take care to hearken + and hear the word only with one ear. This, cried Friar John, is wine of + one ear, as Frenchmen call it. +</p> +<p> + She then wrapped him up in a gaberdine, bound his noddle with a goodly + clean biggin, clapped over it a felt such as those through which hippocras + is distilled, at the bottom of which, instead of a cowl, she put three + obelisks, made him draw on a pair of old-fashioned codpieces instead of + mittens, girded him about with three bagpipes bound together, bathed his + jobbernowl thrice in the fountain; then threw a handful of meal on his + phiz, fixed three cock's feathers on the right side of the hippocratical + felt, made him take a jaunt nine times round the fountain, caused him to + take three little leaps and to bump his a— seven times against the ground, + repeating I don't know what kind of conjurations all the while in the + Tuscan tongue, and ever and anon reading in a ritual or book of ceremonies, + carried after her by one of her mystagogues. +</p> +<p> + For my part, may I never stir if I don't really believe that neither Numa + Pompilius, the second King of the Romans, nor the Cerites of Tuscia, and + the old Hebrew captain ever instituted so many ceremonies as I then saw + performed; nor were ever half so many religious forms used by the + soothsayers of Memphis in Egypt to Apis, or by the Euboeans, at Rhamnus + (Motteux gives 'or by the Embrians, or at Rhamnus.'), to Rhamnusia, or to + Jupiter Ammon, or to Feronia. +</p> +<p> + When she had thus accoutred my gentleman, she took him out of our company, + and led him out of the temple, through a golden gate on the right, into a + round chapel made of transparent speculary stones, by whose solid clearness + the sun's light shined there through the precipice of the rock without any + windows or other entrance, and so easily and fully dispersed itself through + the greater temple that the light seemed rather to spring out of it than to + flow into it. +</p> +<p> + The workmanship was not less rare than that of the sacred temple at + Ravenna, or that in the island of Chemnis in Egypt. Nor must I forget to + tell you that the work of that round chapel was contrived with such a + symmetry that its diameter was just the height of the vault. +</p> +<p> + In the middle of it was an heptagonal fountain of fine alabaster most + artfully wrought, full of water, which was so clear that it might have + passed for element in its purity and singleness. The sacred Bottle was in + it to the middle, clad in pure fine crystal of an oval shape, except its + muzzle, which was somewhat wider than was consistent with that figure. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0044"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XLIV.—How Bacbuc, the high-priestess, brought Panurge before the Holy Bottle. +</h2> +<p> + There the noble priestess Bacbuc made Panurge stoop and kiss the brink of + the fountain; then bade him rise and dance three ithymbi ('Dances in the + honour of Bacchus.'—Motteux.). Which done, she ordered him to sit down + between two stools placed there for that purpose, his arse upon the ground. + Then she opened her ceremonial book, and, whispering in his left ear, made + him sing an epileny, inserted here in the figure of the bottle. +</p> +<pre> + Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep + Do's ten thousand Secrets keep, + With attentive Ear I wait; + Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate. + Soul of Joy! Like Bacchus, we + More than India gain by thee. + Truths unborn thy Juice reveals, + Which Futurity conceals. + Antidote to Frauds and Lies, + Wine, that mounts us to the Skies, + May thy Father Noah's Brood + Like him drown, but in thy Flood. + Speak, so may the Liquid Mine + Of Rubies, or of Diamonds shine. + Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep + Do's ten thousand Secrets keep, + With attentive Ear I wait; + Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate. +</pre> +<p> + When Panurge had sung, Bacbuc threw I don't know what into the fountain, + and straight its water began to boil in good earnest, just for the world as + doth the great monastical pot at Bourgueil when 'tis high holiday there. + Friend Panurge was listening with one ear, and Bacbuc kneeled by him, when + such a kind of humming was heard out of the Bottle as is made by a swarm of + bees bred in the flesh of a young bull killed and dressed according to + Aristaeus's art, or such as is made when a bolt flies out of a crossbow, or + when a shower falls on a sudden in summer. Immediately after this was + heard the word Trinc. By cob's body, cried Panurge, 'tis broken, or + cracked at least, not to tell a lie for the matter; for even so do crystal + bottles speak in our country when they burst near the fire. +</p> +<p> + Bacbuc arose, and gently taking Panurge under the arms, said, Friend, offer + your thanks to indulgent heaven, as reason requires. You have soon had the + word of the Goddess-Bottle; and the kindest, most favourable, and certain + word of answer that I ever yet heard her give since I officiated here at + her most sacred oracle. Rise, let us go to the chapter, in whose gloss + that fine word is explained. With all my heart, quoth Panurge; by jingo, I + am just as wise as I was last year. Light, where's the book? Turn it + over, where's the chapter? Let's see this merry gloss. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0045"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XLV.—How Bacbuc explained the word of the Goddess-Bottle. +</h2> +<p> + Bacbuc having thrown I don't know what into the fountain, straight the + water ceased to boil; and then she took Panurge into the greater temple, in + the central place, where there was the enlivening fountain. +</p> +<p> + There she took out a hugeous silver book, in the shape of a half-tierce, or + hogshead, of sentences, and, having filled it at the fountain, said to him, + The philosophers, preachers, and doctors of your world feed you up with + fine words and cant at the ears; now, here we really incorporate our + precepts at the mouth. Therefore I'll not say to you, read this chapter, + see this gloss; no, I say to you, taste me this fine chapter, swallow me + this rare gloss. Formerly an ancient prophet of the Jewish nation ate a + book and became a clerk even to the very teeth! Now will I have you drink + one, that you may be a clerk to your very liver. Here, open your + mandibules. +</p> +<p> + Panurge gaping as wide as his jaws would stretch, Bacbuc took the silver + book—at least we took it for a real book, for it looked just for the world + like a breviary—but in truth it was a breviary, a flask of right Falernian + wine as it came from the grape, which she made him swallow every drop. +</p> +<p> + By Bacchus, quoth Panurge, this was a notable chapter, a most authentic + gloss, o' my word. Is this all that the trismegistian Bottle's word means? + I' troth, I like it extremely; it went down like mother's milk. Nothing + more, returned Bacbuc; for Trinc is a panomphean word, that is, a word + understood, used and celebrated by all nations, and signifies drink. +</p> +<p> + Some say in your world that sack is a word used in all tongues, and justly + admitted in the same sense among all nations; for, as Aesop's fable hath + it, all men are born with a sack at the neck, naturally needy and begging + of each other; neither can the most powerful king be without the help of + other men, or can anyone that's poor subsist without the rich, though he be + never so proud and insolent; as, for example, Hippias the philosopher, who + boasted he could do everything. Much less can anyone make shift without + drink than without a sack. Therefore here we hold not that laughing, but + that drinking is the distinguishing character of man. I don't say + drinking, taking that word singly and absolutely in the strictest sense; + no, beasts then might put in for a share; I mean drinking cool delicious + wine. For you must know, my beloved, that by wine we become divine; + neither can there be a surer argument or a less deceitful divination. Your + ('Varro.'—Motteux) academics assert the same when they make the etymology + of wine, which the Greeks call OINOS, to be from vis, strength, virtue, + and power; for 'tis in its power to fill the soul with all truth, learning, + and philosophy. +</p> +<p> + If you observe what is written in Ionic letters on the temple gate, you may + have understood that truth is in wine. The Goddess-Bottle therefore + directs you to that divine liquor; be yourself the expounder of your + undertaking. +</p> +<p> + It is impossible, said Pantagruel to Panurge, to speak more to the purpose + than does this true priestess; you may remember I told you as much when you + first spoke to me about it. +</p> +<p> + Trinc then: what says your heart, elevated by Bacchic enthusiasm? +</p> +<p> + With this quoth Panurge: +</p> +<pre> + Trinc, trinc; by Bacchus, let us tope, + And tope again; for, now I hope + To see some brawny, juicy rump + Well tickled with my carnal stump. + Ere long, my friends, I shall be wedded, + Sure as my trap-stick has a red-head; + And my sweet wife shall hold the combat + Long as my baws can on her bum beat. + O what a battle of a— fighting + Will there be, which I much delight in! + What pleasing pains then shall I take + To keep myself and spouse awake! + All heart and juice, I'll up and ride, + And make a duchess of my bride. + Sing Io paean! loudly sing + To Hymen, who all joys will bring. + Well, Friar John, I'll take my oath, + This oracle is full of troth; + Intelligible truth it bears, + More certain than the sieve and shears. +</pre> +<a name="2HCH0046"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XLVI.—How Panurge and the rest rhymed with poetic fury. +</h2> +<p> + What a pox ails the fellow? quoth Friar John. Stark staring mad, or + bewitched, o' my word! Do but hear the chiming dotterel gabble in rhyme. + What o' devil has he swallowed? His eyes roll in his loggerhead just for + the world like a dying goat's. Will the addle-pated wight have the grace + to sheer off? Will he rid us of his damned company, to go shite out his + nasty rhyming balderdash in some bog-house? Will nobody be so kind as to + cram some dog's-bur down the poor cur's gullet? or will he, monk-like, run + his fist up to the elbow into his throat to his very maw, to scour and + clear his flanks? Will he take a hair of the same dog? +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel chid Friar John, and said: +</p> +<pre> + Bold monk, forbear! this, I'll assure ye, + Proceeds all from poetic fury; + Warmed by the god, inspired with wine, + His human soul is made divine. + For without jest, + His hallowed breast, + With wine possessed, + Could have no rest + Till he'd expressed + Some thoughts at least + Of his great guest. + Then straight he flies + Above the skies, + And mortifies, + With prophecies, + Our miseries. + And since divinely he's inspired, + Adore the soul by wine acquired, + And let the tosspot be admired. +</pre> +<p> + How, quoth the friar, the fit rhyming is upon you too? Is't come to that? + Then we are all peppered, or the devil pepper me. What would I not give to + have Gargantua see us while we are in this maggotty crambo-vein! Now may I + be cursed with living on that damned empty food, if I can tell whether I + shall scape the catching distemper. The devil a bit do I understand which + way to go about it; however, the spirit of fustian possesses us all, I + find. Well, by St. John, I'll poetize, since everybody does; I find it + coming. Stay, and pray pardon me if I don't rhyme in crimson; 'tis my + first essay. +</p> +<pre> + Thou, who canst water turn to wine, + Transform my bum, by power divine, + Into a lantern, that may light + My neighbour in the darkest night. +</pre> +<p> + Panurge then proceeds in his rapture, and says: +</p> +<pre> + From Pythian Tripos ne'er were heard + More truths, nor more to be revered. + I think from Delphos to this spring + Some wizard brought that conjuring thing. + Had honest Plutarch here been toping, + He then so long had ne'er been groping + To find, according to his wishes, + Why oracles are mute as fishes + At Delphos. Now the reason's clear; + No more at Delphos they're, but here. + Here is the tripos, out of which + Is spoke the doom of poor and rich. + For Athenaeus does relate + This Bottle is the Womb of Fate; + Prolific of mysterious wine, + And big with prescience divine, + It brings the truth with pleasure forth; + Besides you ha't a pennyworth. + So, Friar John, I must exhort you + To wait a word that may import you, + And to inquire, while here we tarry, + If it shall be your luck to marry. +</pre> +<p> + Friar John answers him in a rage, and says: +</p> +<pre> + How, marry! By St. Bennet's boot, + And his gambadoes, I'll never do't. + No man that knows me e'er shall judge + I mean to make myself a drudge; + Or that pilgarlic e'er will dote + Upon a paltry petticoat. + I'll ne'er my liberty betray + All for a little leapfrog play; + And ever after wear a clog + Like monkey or like mastiff-dog. + No, I'd not have, upon my life, + Great Alexander for my wife, + Nor Pompey, nor his dad-in-law, + Who did each other clapperclaw. + Not the best he that wears a head + Shall win me to his truckle-bed. +</pre> +<p> + Panurge, pulling off his gaberdine and mystical accoutrements, replied: +</p> +<pre> + Wherefore thou shalt, thou filthy beast, + Be damned twelve fathoms deep at least; + While I shall reign in Paradise, + Whence on thy loggerhead I'll piss. + Now when that dreadful hour is come, + That thou in hell receiv'st thy doom, + E'en there, I know, thou'lt play some trick, + And Proserpine shan't scape a prick + Of the long pin within thy breeches. + But when thou'rt using these capriches, + And caterwauling in her cavern, + Send Pluto to the farthest tavern + For the best wine that's to be had, + Lest he should see, and run horn-mad. + She's kind, and ever did admire + A well-fed monk or well-hung friar. +</pre> +<p> + Go to, quoth Friar John, thou old noddy, thou doddipolled ninny, go to the + devil thou'rt prating of. I've done with rhyming; the rheum gripes me at + the gullet. Let's talk of paying and going; come. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0047"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 5.XLVII.—How we took our leave of Bacbuc, and left the Oracle of the Holy Bottle. +</h2> +<p> + Do not trouble yourself about anything here, said the priestess to the + friar; if you be but satisfied, we are. Here below, in these circumcentral + regions, we place the sovereign good, not in taking and receiving, but in + bestowing and giving; so that we esteem ourselves happy, not if we take and + receive much of others, as perhaps the sects of teachers do in your world, + but rather if we impart and give much. All I have to beg of you is that + you leave us here your names in writing, in this ritual. She then opened a + fine large book, and as we gave our names one of her mystagogues with a + gold pin drew some lines on it, as if she had been writing; but we could + not see any characters. +</p> +<p> + This done, she filled three glasses with fantastic water, and giving them + into our hands, said, Now, my friends, you may depart, and may that + intellectual sphere whose centre is everywhere and circumference nowhere, + whom we call GOD, keep you in his almighty protection. When you come into + your world, do not fail to affirm and witness that the greatest treasures + and most admirable things are hidden underground, and not without reason. +</p> +<p> + Ceres was worshipped because she taught mankind the art of husbandry, and + by the use of corn, which she invented, abolished that beastly way of + feeding on acorns; and she grievously lamented her daughter's banishment + into our subterranean regions, certainly foreseeing that Proserpine would + meet with more excellent things, more desirable enjoyments, below, than she + her mother could be blessed with above. +</p> +<p> + What do you think is become of the art of forcing the thunder and celestial + fire down, which the wise Prometheus had formerly invented? 'Tis most + certain you have lost it; 'tis no more on your hemisphere; but here below + we have it. And without a cause you sometimes wonder to see whole towns + burned and destroyed by lightning and ethereal fire, and are at a loss + about knowing from whom, by whom, and to what end those dreadful mischiefs + were sent. Now, they are familiar and useful to us; and your philosophers + who complain that the ancients have left them nothing to write of or to + invent, are very much mistaken. Those phenomena which you see in the sky, + whatever the surface of the earth affords you, and the sea, and every river + contain, is not to be compared with what is hid within the bowels of the + earth. +</p> +<p> + For this reason the subterranean ruler has justly gained in almost every + language the epithet of rich. Now when your sages shall wholly apply their + minds to a diligent and studious search after truth, humbly begging the + assistance of the sovereign God, whom formerly the Egyptians in their + language called The Hidden and the Concealed, and invoking him by that + name, beseech him to reveal and make himself known to them, that Almighty + Being will, out of his infinite goodness, not only make his creatures, but + even himself known to them. +</p> +<p> + Thus will they be guided by good lanterns. For all the ancient + philosophers and sages have held two things necessary safely and pleasantly + to arrive at the knowledge of God and true wisdom; first, God's gracious + guidance, then man's assistance. +</p> +<p> + So, among the philosophers, Zoroaster took Arimaspes for the companion of + his travels; Aesculapius, Mercury; Orpheus, Musaeus; Pythagoras, + Aglaophemus; and, among princes and warriors, Hercules in his most + difficult achievements had his singular friend Theseus; Ulysses, Diomedes; + Aeneas, Achates. You followed their examples, and came under the conduct + of an illustrious lantern. Now, in God's name depart, and may he go along + with you! +</p> +<p> + THE END OF THE FIFTH BOOK OF THE HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF THE NOBLE + PANTAGRUEL. +PANTAGRUEL. + +<div style="height: 6em;"><br><br><br><br><br><br></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book V. +by Francois Rabelais + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, BOOK V. *** + +***** This file should be named 8170-h.htm or 8170-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/8/1/7/8170/ + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/8170-h/images/5-03-544.jpg b/8170-h/images/5-03-544.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6362ea --- /dev/null +++ b/8170-h/images/5-03-544.jpg diff --git a/8170-h/images/5-13-564.jpg b/8170-h/images/5-13-564.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5583f8c --- /dev/null +++ b/8170-h/images/5-13-564.jpg diff --git a/8170-h/images/5-28-600.jpg b/8170-h/images/5-28-600.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..031b0c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/8170-h/images/5-28-600.jpg diff --git a/8170-h/images/5-35-618.jpg b/8170-h/images/5-35-618.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..07e5663 --- /dev/null +++ b/8170-h/images/5-35-618.jpg diff --git a/8170-h/images/frontispiece.jpg b/8170-h/images/frontispiece.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9114be3 --- /dev/null +++ b/8170-h/images/frontispiece.jpg diff --git a/8170-h/images/portrait.jpg b/8170-h/images/portrait.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b8f56d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/8170-h/images/portrait.jpg diff --git a/8170-h/images/portrait2.jpg b/8170-h/images/portrait2.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f4a3752 --- /dev/null +++ b/8170-h/images/portrait2.jpg diff --git a/8170-h/images/titlepage.jpg b/8170-h/images/titlepage.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e5d059 --- /dev/null +++ b/8170-h/images/titlepage.jpg |
