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diff --git a/8169-h/8169-h.htm b/8169-h/8169-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5b91ce7 --- /dev/null +++ b/8169-h/8169-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7458 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=utf-8"> + +<title>Rabelais: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book IV. +</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {background:#faebd7; margin:15%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97% } + .figleft {float: left;} + .figright {float: right;} + .toc {margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + PRE {margin-left: 15%; font-size: 84%;} + // --> +</style> + +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 8169 ***</div> + +<h2>Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book IV.</h2> + +<h1> + MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS +</h1><br><br> +<h2> + FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, <br>HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF</h2> +<br><br> +<h1> + GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL +</h1><br><br> +<h2> + Book IV. +</h2><br><br> +<a name="image-0001"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" height="887" width="568" +alt="He Did Cry Like a Cow--frontispiece +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<a name="image-0002"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" height="1023" width="632" +alt="Titlepage +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<br><br><br> +<h3> + Translated into English by +<br> + Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty +<br> + and +<br> + Peter Antony Motteux +</h3> +<br><br><br> +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> + The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the + first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation. Footnotes initialled 'M.' + are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the + translator. Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in + 1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux's editorship. + Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708. Occasionally (as + the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from + the 1738 copy edited by Ozell.</p> +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<a name="image-0003"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/portrait2.jpg" height="435" width="540" +alt="Rabelais Dissecting Society--portrait2 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> + +<br><br><br> +<hr> +<br><br><br> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0001"> +THE FOURTH BOOK. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0001"> +Chapter 4.I.—How Pantagruel went to sea to visit the oracle of Bacbuc, alias the Holy Bottle. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0002"> +Chapter 4.II.—How Pantagruel bought many rarities in the island of Medamothy. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0003"> +Chapter 4.III.—How Pantagruel received a letter from his father Gargantua, and of the strange way to have speedy news from far distant places. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0004"> +Chapter 4.IV.—How Pantagruel writ to his father Gargantua, and sent him several curiosities. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0005"> +Chapter 4.V.—How Pantagruel met a ship with passengers returning from Lanternland. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0006"> +Chapter 4.VI.—How, the fray being over, Panurge cheapened one of Dingdong's sheep. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0007"> +Chapter 4.VII.—Which if you read you'll find how Panurge bargained with Dingdong. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0008"> +Chapter 4.VIII.—How Panurge caused Dingdong and his sheep to be drowned in the sea. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0009"> +Chapter 4.IX.—How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Ennasin, and of the strange ways of being akin in that country. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0010"> +Chapter 4.X.—How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Chely, where he saw King St. Panigon. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0011"> +Chapter 4.XI.—Why monks love to be in kitchens. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0012"> +Chapter 4.XII.—How Pantagruel passed by the land of Pettifogging, and of the strange way of living among the Catchpoles. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0013"> +Chapter 4.XIII.—How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord of Basche commended his servants. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0014"> +Chapter 4.XIV.—A further account of catchpoles who were drubbed at Basche's house. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0015"> +Chapter 4.XV.—How the ancient custom at nuptials is renewed by the catchpole. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0016"> +Chapter 4.XVI.—How Friar John made trial of the nature of the catchpoles. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0017"> +Chapter 4.XVII.—How Pantagruel came to the islands of Tohu and Bohu; and of the strange death of Wide-nostrils, the swallower of windmills. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0018"> +Chapter 4.XVIII.—How Pantagruel met with a great storm at sea. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0019"> +Chapter 4.XIX.—What countenances Panurge and Friar John kept during the storm. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0020"> +Chapter 4.XX.—How the pilots were forsaking their ships in the greatest stress of weather. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0021"> +Chapter 4.XXI.—A continuation of the storm, with a short discourse on the subject of making testaments at sea. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0022"> +Chapter 4.XXII.—An end of the storm. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0023"> +Chapter 4.XXIII.—How Panurge played the good fellow when the storm was over. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0024"> +Chapter 4.XXIV.—How Panurge was said to have been afraid without reason during the storm. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0025"> +Chapter 4.XXV.—How, after the storm, Pantagruel went on shore in the islands of the Macreons. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0026"> +Chapter 4.XXVI.—How the good Macrobius gave us an account of the mansion and decease of the heroes. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0027"> +Chapter 4.XXVII.—Pantagruel's discourse of the decease of heroic souls; and of the dreadful prodigies that happened before the death of the late Lord de Langey. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0028"> +Chapter 4.XXVIII.—How Pantagruel related a very sad story of the death of the heroes. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0029"> +Chapter 4.XXIX.—How Pantagruel sailed by the Sneaking Island, where Shrovetide reigned. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0030"> +Chapter 4.XXX.—How Shrovetide is anatomized and described by Xenomanes. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0031"> +Chapter 4.XXXI.—Shrovetide's outward parts anatomized. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0032"> +Chapter 4.XXXII.—A continuation of Shrovetide's countenance. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0033"> +Chapter 4.XXXIII.—How Pantagruel discovered a monstrous physeter, or whirlpool, near the Wild Island. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0034"> +Chapter 4.XXXIV.—How the monstrous physeter was slain by Pantagruel. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0035"> +Chapter 4.XXXV.—How Pantagruel went on shore in the Wild Island, the ancient abode of the Chitterlings. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0036"> +Chapter 4.XXXVI.—How the wild Chitterlings laid an ambuscado for Pantagruel. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0037"> +Chapter 4.XXXVII.—How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Maul-chitterling and Colonel Cut-pudding; with a discourse well worth your hearing about the names of places and persons. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0038"> +Chapter 4.XXXVIII.—How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by men. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0039"> +Chapter 4.XXXIX.—How Friar John joined with the cooks to fight the Chitterlings. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0040"> +Chapter 4.XL.—How Friar John fitted up the sow; and of the valiant cooks that went into it. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0041"> +Chapter 4.XLI.—How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the knees. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0042"> +Chapter 4.XLII.—How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niphleseth, Queen of the Chitterlings. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0043"> +Chapter 4.XLIII.—How Pantagruel went into the island of Ruach. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0044"> +Chapter 4.XLIV.—How small rain lays a high wind. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0045"> +Chapter 4.XLV.—How Pantagruel went ashore in the island of Pope-Figland. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0046"> +Chapter 4.XLVI.—How a junior devil was fooled by a husbandman of Pope-Figland. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0047"> +Chapter 4.XLVII.—How the devil was deceived by an old woman of Pope-Figland. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0048"> +Chapter 4.XLVIII.—How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Papimany. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0049"> +Chapter 4.XLIX.—How Homenas, Bishop of Papimany, showed us the Uranopet decretals. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0050"> +Chapter 4.L.—How Homenas showed us the archetype, or representation of a pope. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0051"> +Chapter 4.LI.—Table-talk in praise of the decretals. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0052"> +Chapter 4.LII.—A continuation of the miracles caused by the decretals. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0053"> +Chapter 4.LIII.—How by the virtue of the decretals, gold is subtilely drawn out of France to Rome. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0054"> +Chapter 4.LIV.—How Homenas gave Pantagruel some bon-Christian pears. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0055"> +Chapter 4.LV.—How Pantagruel, being at sea, heard various unfrozen words. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0056"> +Chapter 4.LVI.—How among the frozen words Pantagruel found some odd ones. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0057"> +Chapter 4.LVII.—How Pantagruel went ashore at the dwelling of Gaster, the first master of arts in the world. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0058"> +Chapter 4.LVIII.—How, at the court of the master of ingenuity, Pantagruel detested the Engastrimythes and the Gastrolaters. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0059"> +Chapter 4.LIX.—Of the ridiculous statue Manduce; and how and what the Gastrolaters sacrifice to their ventripotent god. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0060"> +Chapter 4.LX.—What the Gastrolaters sacrificed to their god on interlarded fish-days. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0061"> +Chapter 4.LXI.—How Gaster invented means to get and preserve corn. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0062"> +Chapter 4.LXII.—How Gaster invented an art to avoid being hurt or touched by cannon-balls. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0063"> +Chapter 4.LXIII.—How Pantagruel fell asleep near the island of Chaneph, and of the problems proposed to be solved when he waked. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0064"> +Chapter 4.LXIV.—How Pantagruel gave no answer to the problems. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0065"> +Chapter 4.LXV.—How Pantagruel passed the time with his servants. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0066"> +Chapter 4.LXVI.—How, by Pantagruel's order, the Muses were saluted near the isle of Ganabim. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0067"> +Chapter 4.LXVII.—How Panurge berayed himself for fear; and of the huge cat Rodilardus, which he took for a puny devil. +</a></p> + +<br><br><br> +<hr> +<br><br><br> + +<h2>List of Illustrations</h2> + +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0001"> +He Did Cry Like a Cow—frontispiece +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0002"> +Titlepage +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0003"> +Rabelais Dissecting Society—portrait2 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0004"> +Francois Rabelais—portrait +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0005"> +Prologue4 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0006"> +My Hatchet, Lord Jupeter—4-00-400 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0007"> +He Comes to Chinon—4-00-406 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0008"> +Cost What They Will, Trade With Me—4-07-420 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0009"> +All of Them Forced to Sea and Drowned—4-08-422 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0010"> +Messire Oudart—4-12-430 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0011"> +Friar John—4-23-452 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0012"> +Two Old Women Were Weeping and Wailing—4-19-446 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0013"> +Physetere Was Slain by Pantagruel—4-35-472 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0014"> +Pantagruel Arose to Scour the Thicket—4-36-474 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0015"> +Cut the Sausage in Twain—4-41-482 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0016"> +The Devil Came to the Place—4-48-496 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0017"> +Appointed Cows to Furnish Milk—4-51-500 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0018"> +We Were All out of Sorts—4-63-524 +</a></p> + + +<br><br><br> +<hr> +<br><br><br> + + + + + + + +<h1> + THE FOURTH BOOK +</h1> + +<br><br> +<h2> + The Translator's Preface. +</h2> +<p> + Reader,—I don't know what kind of a preface I must write to find thee + courteous, an epithet too often bestowed without a cause. The author of + this work has been as sparing of what we call good nature, as most readers + are nowadays. So I am afraid his translator and commentator is not to + expect much more than has been showed them. What's worse, there are but + two sorts of taking prefaces, as there are but two kinds of prologues to + plays; for Mr. Bays was doubtless in the right when he said that if thunder + and lightning could not fright an audience into complaisance, the sight of + the poet with a rope about his neck might work them into pity. Some, + indeed, have bullied many of you into applause, and railed at your faults + that you might think them without any; and others, more safely, have spoken + kindly of you, that you might think, or at least speak, as favourably of + them, and be flattered into patience. Now, I fancy, there's nothing less + difficult to attempt than the first method; for, in this blessed age, 'tis + as easy to find a bully without courage, as a whore without beauty, or a + writer without wit; though those qualifications are so necessary in their + respective professions. The mischief is, that you seldom allow any to rail + besides yourselves, and cannot bear a pride which shocks your own. As for + wheedling you into a liking of a work, I must confess it seems the safest + way; but though flattery pleases you well when it is particular, you hate + it, as little concerning you, when it is general. Then we knights of the + quill are a stiff-necked generation, who as seldom care to seem to doubt + the worth of our writings, and their being liked, as we love to flatter + more than one at a time; and had rather draw our pens, and stand up for the + beauty of our works (as some arrant fools use to do for that of their + mistresses) to the last drop of our ink. And truly this submission, which + sometimes wheedles you into pity, as seldom decoys you into love, as the + awkward cringing of an antiquated fop, as moneyless as he is ugly, affects + an experienced fair one. Now we as little value your pity as a lover his + mistress's, well satisfied that it is only a less uncivil way of dismissing + us. But what if neither of these two ways will work upon you, of which + doleful truth some of our playwrights stand so many living monuments? Why, + then, truly I think on no other way at present but blending the two into + one; and, from this marriage of huffing and cringing, there will result a + new kind of careless medley, which, perhaps, will work upon both sorts of + readers, those who are to be hectored, and those whom we must creep to. At + least, it is like to please by its novelty; and it will not be the first + monster that has pleased you when regular nature could not do it. +</p> +<p> + If uncommon worth, lively wit, and deep learning, wove into wholesome + satire, a bold, good, and vast design admirably pursued, truth set out in + its true light, and a method how to arrive to its oracle, can recommend a + work, I am sure this has enough to please any reasonable man. The three + books published some time since, which are in a manner an entire work, were + kindly received; yet, in the French, they come far short of these two, + which are also entire pieces; for the satire is all general here, much more + obvious, and consequently more entertaining. Even my long explanatory + preface was not thought improper. Though I was so far from being allowed + time to make it methodical, that at first only a few pages were intended; + yet as fast as they were printed I wrote on, till it proved at last like + one of those towns built little at first, then enlarged, where you see + promiscuously an odd variety of all sorts of irregular buildings. I hope + the remarks I give now will not please less; for, as I have translated the + work which they explain, I had more time to make them, though as little to + write them. It would be needless to give here a large account of my + performance; for, after all, you readers care no more for this or that + apology, or pretence of Mr. Translator, if the version does not please you, + than we do for a blundering cook's excuse after he has spoiled a good dish + in the dressing. Nor can the first pretend to much praise, besides that of + giving his author's sense in its full extent, and copying his style, if it + is to be copied; since he has no share in the invention or disposition of + what he translates. Yet there was no small difficulty in doing Rabelais + justice in that double respect; the obsolete words and turns of phrase, and + dark subjects, often as darkly treated, make the sense hard to be + understood even by a Frenchman, and it cannot be easy to give it the free + easy air of an original; for even what seems most common talk in one + language, is what is often the most difficult to be made so in another; and + Horace's thoughts of comedy may be well applied to this: +</p> +<pre> + Creditur, ex medio quia res arcessit, habere + Sudoris minimum; sed habet commoedia tantum + Plus oneris, quanto veniae minus. +</pre> +<p> + Far be it from me, for all this, to value myself upon hitting the words of + cant in which my drolling author is so luxuriant; for though such words + have stood me in good stead, I scarce can forbear thinking myself unhappy + in having insensibly hoarded up so much gibberish and Billingsgate trash in + my memory; nor could I forbear asking of myself, as an Italian cardinal + said on another account, D'onde hai tu pigliato tante coglionerie? Where + the devil didst thou rake up all these fripperies? +</p> +<p> + It was not less difficult to come up to the author's sublime expressions. + Nor would I have attempted such a task, but that I was ambitious of giving + a view of the most valuable work of the greatest genius of his age, to the + Mecaenas and best genius of this. For I am not overfond of so ungrateful a + task as translating, and would rejoice to see less versions and more + originals; so the latter were not as bad as many of the first are, through + want of encouragement. Some indeed have deservedly gained esteem by + translating; yet not many condescend to translate, but such as cannot + invent; though to do the first well requires often as much genius as to do + the latter. +</p> +<p> + I wish, reader, thou mayest be as willing to do my author justice, as I + have strove to do him right. Yet, if thou art a brother of the quill, it + is ten to one thou art too much in love with thy own dear productions to + admire those of one of thy trade. However, I know three or four who have + not such a mighty opinion of themselves; but I'll not name them, lest I + should be obliged to place myself among them. If thou art one of those + who, though they never write, criticise everyone that does; avaunt!—Thou + art a professed enemy of mankind and of thyself, who wilt never be pleased + nor let anybody be so, and knowest no better way to fame than by striving + to lessen that of others; though wouldst thou write thou mightst be soon + known, even by the butterwomen, and fly through the world in bandboxes. If + thou art of the dissembling tribe, it is thy office to rail at those books + which thou huggest in a corner. If thou art one of those eavesdroppers, + who would have their moroseness be counted gravity, thou wilt condemn a + mirth which thou art past relishing; and I know no other way to quit the + score than by writing (as like enough I may) something as dull, or duller + than thyself, if possible. If thou art one of those critics in dressing, + those extempores of fortune, who, having lost a relation and got an estate, + in an instant set up for wit and every extravagance, thou'lt either praise + or discommend this book, according to the dictates of some less foolish + than thyself, perhaps of one of those who, being lodged at the sign of the + box and dice, will know better things than to recommend to thee a work + which bids thee beware of his tricks. This book might teach thee to leave + thy follies; but some will say it does not signify much to some fools + whether they are so or not; for when was there a fool that thought himself + one? If thou art one of those who would put themselves upon us for learned + men in Greek and Hebrew, yet are mere blockheads in English, and patch + together old pieces of the ancients to get themselves clothes out of them, + thou art too severely mauled in this work to like it. Who then will? some + will cry. Nay, besides these, many societies that make a great figure in + the world are reflected on in this book; which caused Rabelais to study to + be dark, and even bedaub it with many loose expressions, that he might not + be thought to have any other design than to droll; in a manner bewraying + his book that his enemies might not bite it. Truly, though now the riddle + is expounded, I would advise those who read it not to reflect on the + author, lest he be thought to have been beforehand with them, and they be + ranked among those who have nothing to show for their honesty but their + money, nothing for their religion but their dissembling, or a fat benefice, + nothing for their wit but their dressing, for their nobility but their + title, for their gentility but their sword, for their courage but their + huffing, for their preferment but their assurance, for their learning but + their degrees, or for their gravity but their wrinkles or dulness. They + had better laugh at one another here, as it is the custom of the world. + Laughing is of all professions; the miser may hoard, the spendthrift + squander, the politician plot, the lawyer wrangle, and the gamester cheat; + still their main design is to be able to laugh at one another; and here + they may do it at a cheap and easy rate. After all, should this work fail + to please the greater number of readers, I am sure it cannot miss being + liked by those who are for witty mirth and a chirping bottle; though not by + those solid sots who seem to have drudged all their youth long only that + they might enjoy the sweet blessing of getting drunk every night in their + old age. But those men of sense and honour who love truth and the good of + mankind in general above all other things will undoubtedly countenance this + work. I will not gravely insist upon its usefulness, having said enough of + it in the preface (Motteux' Preface to vol. I of Rabelais, ed. 1694.) to + the first part. I will only add, that as Homer in his Odyssey makes his + hero wander ten years through most parts of the then known world, so + Rabelais, in a three months' voyage, makes Pantagruel take a view of almost + all sorts of people and professions; with this difference, however, between + the ancient mythologist and the modern, that while the Odyssey has been + compared to a setting sun in respect to the Iliads, Rabelais' last work, + which is this Voyage to the Oracle of the Bottle (by which he means truth) + is justly thought his masterpiece, being wrote with more spirit, salt, and + flame, than the first part of his works. At near seventy years of age, his + genius, far from being drained, seemed to have acquired fresh vigour and + new graces the more it exerted itself; like those rivers which grow more + deep, large, majestic, and useful by their course. Those who accuse the + French of being as sparing of their wit as lavish of their words will find + an Englishman in our author. I must confess indeed that my countrymen and + other southern nations temper the one with the other in a manner as they do + their wine with water, often just dashing the latter with a little of the + first. Now here men love to drink their wine pure; nay, sometimes it will + not satisfy unless in its very quintessence, as in brandies; though an + excess of this betrays want of sobriety, as much as an excess of wit + betrays a want of judgment. But I must conclude, lest I be justly taxed + with wanting both. I will only add, that as every language has its + peculiar graces, seldom or never to be acquired by a foreigner, I cannot + think I have given my author those of the English in every place; but as + none compelled me to write, I fear to ask a pardon which yet the generous + temper of this nation makes me hope to obtain. Albinus, a Roman, who had + written in Greek, desired in his preface to be forgiven his faults of + language; but Cato asked him in derision whether any had forced him to + write in a tongue of which he was not an absolute master. Lucullus wrote a + history in the same tongue, and said he had scattered some false Greek in + it to let the world know it was the work of a Roman. I will not say as + much of my writings, in which I study to be as little incorrect as the + hurry of business and shortness of time will permit; but I may better say, + as Tully did of the history of his consulship, which he also had written in + Greek, that what errors may be found in the diction are crept in against my + intent. Indeed, Livius Andronicus and Terence, the one a Greek, the other + a Carthaginian, wrote successfully in Latin, and the latter is perhaps the + most perfect model of the purity and urbanity of that tongue; but I ought + not to hope for the success of those great men. Yet am I ambitious of + being as subservient to the useful diversion of the ingenious of this + nation as I can, which I have endeavoured in this work, with hopes to + attempt some greater tasks if ever I am happy enough to have more leisure. + In the meantime it will not displease me, if it is known that this is given + by one who, though born and educated in France, has the love and veneration + of a loyal subject for this nation, one who, by a fatality, which with many + more made him say, +</p> +<pre> + Nos patriam fugimus et dulcia linquimus arva, +</pre> +<p> + is obliged to make the language of these happy regions as natural to him as + he can, and thankfully say with the rest, under this Protestant government, +</p> +<pre> + Deus nobis haec otia fecit. +</pre> +<a name="image-0004"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/portrait.jpg" height="849" width="622" +alt="Francois Rabelais--portrait +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> + + +<br><br><br> +<h2> + The Author's Epistle Dedicatory. +</h2> +<p> + To the most Illustrious Prince and most Reverend Lord Odet, Cardinal de + Chastillon. +</p> +<p> + You know, most illustrious prince, how often I have been, and am daily + pressed and required by great numbers of eminent persons, to proceed in the + Pantagruelian fables; they tell me that many languishing, sick, and + disconsolate persons, perusing them, have deceived their grief, passed + their time merrily, and been inspired with new joy and comfort. I commonly + answer that I aimed not at glory and applause when I diverted myself with + writing, but only designed to give by my pen, to the absent who labour + under affliction, that little help which at all times I willingly strive to + give to the present that stand in need of my art and service. Sometimes I + at large relate to them how Hippocrates in several places, and particularly + in lib. 6. Epidem., describing the institution of the physician his + disciple, and also Soranus of Ephesus, Oribasius, Galen, Hali Abbas, and + other authors, have descended to particulars, in the prescription of his + motions, deportment, looks, countenance, gracefulness, civility, + cleanliness of face, clothes, beard, hair, hands, mouth, even his very + nails; as if he were to play the part of a lover in some comedy, or enter + the lists to fight some enemy. And indeed the practice of physic is + properly enough compared by Hippocrates to a fight, and also to a farce + acted between three persons, the patient, the physician, and the disease. + Which passage has sometimes put me in mind of Julia's saying to Augustus + her father. One day she came before him in a very gorgeous, loose, + lascivious dress, which very much displeased him, though he did not much + discover his discontent. The next day she put on another, and in a modest + garb, such as the chaste Roman ladies wore, came into his presence. The + kind father could not then forbear expressing the pleasure which he took to + see her so much altered, and said to her: Oh! how much more this garb + becomes and is commendable in the daughter of Augustus. But she, having + her excuse ready, answered: This day, sir, I dressed myself to please my + father's eye; yesterday, to gratify that of my husband. Thus disguised in + looks and garb, nay even, as formerly was the fashion, with a rich and + pleasant gown with four sleeves, which was called philonium according to + Petrus Alexandrinus in 6. Epidem., a physician might answer to such as + might find the metamorphosis indecent: Thus have I accoutred myself, not + that I am proud of appearing in such a dress, but for the sake of my + patient, whom alone I wholly design to please, and no wise offend or + dissatisfy. There is also a passage in our father Hippocrates, in the book + I have named, which causes some to sweat, dispute, and labour; not indeed + to know whether the physician's frowning, discontented, and morose Catonian + look render the patient sad, and his joyful, serene, and pleasing + countenance rejoice him; for experience teaches us that this is most + certain; but whether such sensations of grief or pleasure are produced by + the apprehension of the patient observing his motions and qualities in his + physician, and drawing from thence conjectures of the end and catastrophe + of his disease; as, by his pleasing look, joyful and desirable events, and + by his sorrowful and unpleasing air, sad and dismal consequences; or + whether those sensations be produced by a transfusion of the serene or + gloomy, aerial or terrestrial, joyful or melancholic spirits of the + physician into the person of the patient, as is the opinion of Plato, + Averroes, and others. +</p> +<p> + Above all things, the forecited authors have given particular directions to + physicians about the words, discourse, and converse which they ought to + have with their patients; everyone aiming at one point, that is, to rejoice + them without offending God, and in no wise whatsoever to vex or displease + them. Which causes Herophilus much to blame the physician Callianax, who, + being asked by a patient of his, Shall I die? impudently made him this + answer: +</p> +<pre> + Patroclus died, whom all allow + By much a better man than you. +</pre> +<p> + Another, who had a mind to know the state of his distemper, asking him, + after our merry Patelin's way: Well, doctor, does not my water tell you I + shall die? He foolishly answered, No; if Latona, the mother of those + lovely twins, Phoebus and Diana, begot thee. Galen, lib. 4, Comment. 6. + Epidem., blames much also Quintus his tutor, who, a certain nobleman of + Rome, his patient, saying to him, You have been at breakfast, my master, + your breath smells of wine; answered arrogantly, Yours smells of fever; + which is the better smell of the two, wine or a putrid fever? But the + calumny of certain cannibals, misanthropes, perpetual eavesdroppers, has + been so foul and excessive against me, that it had conquered my patience, + and I had resolved not to write one jot more. For the least of their + detractions were that my books are all stuffed with various heresies, of + which, nevertheless, they could not show one single instance; much, indeed, + of comical and facetious fooleries, neither offending God nor the king (and + truly I own they are the only subject and only theme of these books), but + of heresy not a word, unless they interpreted wrong, and against all use of + reason and common language, what I had rather suffer a thousand deaths, if + it were possible, than have thought; as who should make bread to be stone, + a fish to be a serpent, and an egg to be a scorpion. This, my lord, + emboldened me once to tell you, as I was complaining of it in your + presence, that if I did not esteem myself a better Christian than they show + themselves towards me, and if my life, writings, words, nay thoughts, + betrayed to me one single spark of heresy, or I should in a detestable + manner fall into the snares of the spirit of detraction, Diabolos, who, by + their means, raises such crimes against me; I would then, like the phoenix, + gather dry wood, kindle a fire, and burn myself in the midst of it. You + were then pleased to say to me that King Francis, of eternal memory, had + been made sensible of those false accusations; and that having caused my + books (mine, I say, because several, false and infamous, have been wickedly + laid to me) to be carefully and distinctly read to him by the most learned + and faithful anagnost in this kingdom, he had not found any passage + suspicious; and that he abhorred a certain envious, ignorant, hypocritical + informer, who grounded a mortal heresy on an n put instead of an m by the + carelessness of the printers. +</p> +<p> + As much was done by his son, our most gracious, virtuous, and blessed + sovereign, Henry, whom Heaven long preserve! so that he granted you his + royal privilege and particular protection for me against my slandering + adversaries. +</p> +<p> + You kindly condescended since to confirm me these happy news at Paris; and + also lately, when you visited my Lord Cardinal du Bellay, who, for the + benefit of his health, after a lingering distemper, was retired to St. + Maur, that place (or rather paradise) of salubrity, serenity, conveniency, + and all desirable country pleasures. +</p> +<p> + Thus, my lord, under so glorious a patronage, I am emboldened once more to + draw my pen, undaunted now and secure; with hopes that you will still prove + to me, against the power of detraction, a second Gallic Hercules in + learning, prudence, and eloquence; an Alexicacos in virtue, power, and + authority; you, of whom I may truly say what the wise monarch Solomon saith + of Moses, that great prophet and captain of Israel, Ecclesiast. 45: A man + fearing and loving God, who found favour in the sight of all flesh, + well-beloved both of God and man; whose memorial is blessed. God made him + like to the glorious saints, and magnified him so, that his enemies stood in + fear of him; and for him made wonders; made him glorious in the sight of + kings, gave him a commandment for his people, and by him showed his light; + he sanctified him in his faithfulness and meekness, and chose him out of all + men. By him he made us to hear his voice, and caused by him the law of life + and knowledge to be given. +</p> +<p> + Accordingly, if I shall be so happy as to hear anyone commend those merry + composures, they shall be adjured by me to be obliged and pay their thanks + to you alone, as also to offer their prayers to Heaven for the continuance + and increase of your greatness; and to attribute no more to me than my + humble and ready obedience to your commands; for by your most honourable + encouragement you at once have inspired me with spirit and with invention; + and without you my heart had failed me, and the fountain-head of my animal + spirits had been dry. May the Lord keep you in his blessed mercy! +</p><br> +<p> + My Lord,<br> + + Your most humble, and most devoted Servant,<br> + + Francis Rabelais, Physician.<br><br> + + Paris, this 28th of January, MDLII. + + +</p> +<a name="image-0005"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/prologue4.jpg" height="845" width="589" +alt="Prologue4 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> + +<br><br><br> +<h2> + The Author's Prologue. +</h2> +<p> + Good people, God save and keep you! Where are you? I can't see you: + stay—I'll saddle my nose with spectacles—oh, oh! 'twill be fair anon: I + see you. Well, you have had a good vintage, they say: this is no bad news + to Frank, you may swear. You have got an infallible cure against thirst: + rarely performed of you, my friends! You, your wives, children, friends, + and families are in as good case as hearts can wish; it is well, it is as I + would have it: God be praised for it, and if such be his will, may you + long be so. For my part, I am thereabouts, thanks to his blessed goodness; + and by the means of a little Pantagruelism (which you know is a certain + jollity of mind, pickled in the scorn of fortune), you see me now hale and + cheery, as sound as a bell, and ready to drink, if you will. Would you + know why I'm thus, good people? I will even give you a positive answer + —Such is the Lord's will, which I obey and revere; it being said in his + word, in great derision to the physician neglectful of his own health, + Physician, heal thyself. +</p> +<p> + Galen had some knowledge of the Bible, and had conversed with the + Christians of his time, as appears lib. 11. De Usu Partium; lib. 2. De + Differentiis Pulsuum, cap. 3, and ibid. lib. 3. cap. 2. and lib. De Rerum + Affectibus (if it be Galen's). Yet 'twas not for any such veneration of + holy writ that he took care of his own health. No, it was for fear of + being twitted with the saying so well known among physicians: +</p> +<pre> + Iatros allon autos elkesi bruon. + + He boasts of healing poor and rich, + Yet is himself all over itch. +</pre> +<p> + This made him boldly say, that he did not desire to be esteemed a + physician, if from his twenty-eighth year to his old age he had not lived + in perfect health, except some ephemerous fevers, of which he soon rid + himself; yet he was not naturally of the soundest temper, his stomach being + evidently bad. Indeed, as he saith, lib. 5, De Sanitate tuenda, that + physician will hardly be thought very careful of the health of others who + neglects his own. Asclepiades boasted yet more than this; for he said that + he had articled with fortune not to be reputed a physician if he could be + said to have been sick since he began to practise physic to his latter age, + which he reached, lusty in all his members and victorious over fortune; + till at last the old gentleman unluckily tumbled down from the top of a + certain ill-propped and rotten staircase, and so there was an end of him. +</p> +<p> + If by some disaster health is fled from your worships to the right or to + the left, above or below, before or behind, within or without, far or near, + on this side or the other side, wheresoever it be, may you presently, with + the help of the Lord, meet with it. Having found it, may you immediately + claim it, seize it, and secure it. The law allows it; the king would have + it so; nay, you have my advice for it. Neither more nor less than the + law-makers of old did fully empower a master to claim and seize his runaway + servant wherever he might be found. Odds-bodikins, is it not written and + warranted by the ancient customs of this noble, so rich, so flourishing + realm of France, that the dead seizes the quick? See what has been + declared very lately in that point by that learned, wise, courteous, humane + and just civilian, Andrew Tiraqueau, one of the judges in the most + honourable court of Parliament at Paris. Health is our life, as Ariphron + the Sicyonian wisely has it; without health life is not life, it is not + living life: abios bios, bios abiotos. Without health life is only a + languishment and an image of death. Therefore, you that want your health, + that is to say, that are dead, seize the quick; secure life to yourselves, + that is to say, health. +</p> +<p> + I have this hope in the Lord, that he will hear our supplications, + considering with what faith and zeal we pray, and that he will grant this + our wish because it is moderate and mean. Mediocrity was held by the + ancient sages to be golden, that is to say, precious, praised by all men, + and pleasing in all places. Read the sacred Bible, you will find the + prayers of those who asked moderately were never unanswered. For example, + little dapper Zaccheus, whose body and relics the monks of St. Garlick, + near Orleans, boast of having, and nickname him St. Sylvanus; he only + wished to see our blessed Saviour near Jerusalem. It was but a small + request, and no more than anybody then might pretend to. But alas! he was + but low-built; and one of so diminutive a size, among the crowd, could not + so much as get a glimpse of him. Well then he struts, stands on tiptoes, + bustles, and bestirs his stumps, shoves and makes way, and with much ado + clambers up a sycamore. Upon this, the Lord, who knew his sincere + affection, presented himself to his sight, and was not only seen by him, + but heard also; nay, what is more, he came to his house and blessed his + family. +</p> +<p> + One of the sons of the prophets in Israel felling would near the river + Jordan, his hatchet forsook the helve and fell to the bottom of the river; + so he prayed to have it again ('twas but a small request, mark ye me), and + having a strong faith, he did not throw the hatchet after the helve, as + some spirits of contradiction say by way of scandalous blunder, but the + helve after the hatchet, as you all properly have it. Presently two great + miracles were seen: up springs the hatchet from the bottom of the water, + and fixes itself to its old acquaintance the helve. Now had he wished to + coach it to heaven in a fiery chariot like Elias, to multiply in seed like + Abraham, be as rich as Job, strong as Samson, and beautiful as Absalom, + would he have obtained it, d'ye think? I' troth, my friends, I question it + very much. +</p> +<p> + Now I talk of moderate wishes in point of hatchet (but harkee me, be sure + you don't forget when we ought to drink), I will tell you what is written + among the apologues of wise Aesop the Frenchman. I mean the Phrygian and + Trojan, as Max. Planudes makes him; from which people, according to the + most faithful chroniclers, the noble French are descended. Aelian writes + that he was of Thrace and Agathias, after Herodotus, that he was of Samos; + 'tis all one to Frank. +</p> +<p> + In his time lived a poor honest country fellow of Gravot, Tom Wellhung by + name, a wood-cleaver by trade, who in that low drudgery made shift so to + pick up a sorry livelihood. It happened that he lost his hatchet. Now + tell me who ever had more cause to be vexed than poor Tom? Alas, his whole + estate and life depended on his hatchet; by his hatchet he earned many a + fair penny of the best woodmongers or log-merchants among whom he went + a-jobbing; for want of his hatchet he was like to starve; and had death but + met with him six days after without a hatchet, the grim fiend would have + mowed him down in the twinkling of a bedstaff. In this sad case he began + to be in a heavy taking, and called upon Jupiter with the most eloquent + prayers—for you know necessity was the mother of eloquence. With the + whites of his eyes turned up towards heaven, down on his marrow-bones, his + arms reared high, his fingers stretched wide, and his head bare, the poor + wretch without ceasing was roaring out, by way of litany, at every + repetition of his supplications, My hatchet, Lord Jupiter, my hatchet! my + hatchet! only my hatchet, O Jupiter, or money to buy another, and nothing + else! alas, my poor hatchet! +</p> +<p> + Jupiter happened then to be holding a grand council about certain urgent + affairs, and old gammer Cybele was just giving her opinion, or, if you + would rather have it so, it was young Phoebus the beau; but, in short, + Tom's outcries and lamentations were so loud that they were heard with no + small amazement at the council-board, by the whole consistory of the gods. + What a devil have we below, quoth Jupiter, that howls so horridly? By the + mud of Styx, have not we had all along, and have not we here still enough + to do, to set to rights a world of damned puzzling businesses of + consequence? We made an end of the fray between Presthan, King of Persia, + and Soliman the Turkish emperor, we have stopped up the passages between + the Tartars and the Muscovites; answered the Xeriff's petition; done the + same to that of Golgots Rays; the state of Parma's despatched; so is that + of Maidenburg, that of Mirandola, and that of Africa, that town on the + Mediterranean which we call Aphrodisium; Tripoli by carelessness has got a + new master; her hour was come. +</p> +<p> + Here are the Gascons cursing and damning, demanding the restitution of + their bells. +</p> +<p> + In yonder corner are the Saxons, Easterlings, Ostrogoths, and Germans, + nations formerly invincible, but now aberkeids, bridled, curbed, and + brought under a paltry diminutive crippled fellow; they ask us revenge, + relief, restitution of their former good sense and ancient liberty. +</p> +<p> + But what shall we do with this same Ramus and this Galland, with a pox to + them, who, surrounded with a swarm of their scullions, blackguard + ragamuffins, sizars, vouchers, and stipulators, set together by the ears + the whole university of Paris? I am in a sad quandary about it, and for + the heart's blood of me cannot tell yet with whom of the two to side. +</p> +<p> + Both seem to me notable fellows, and as true cods as ever pissed. The one + has rose-nobles, I say fine and weighty ones; the other would gladly have + some too. The one knows something; the other's no dunce. The one loves + the better sort of men; the other's beloved by 'em. The one is an old + cunning fox; the other with tongue and pen, tooth and nail, falls foul on + the ancient orators and philosophers, and barks at them like a cur. +</p> +<p> + What thinkest thou of it, say, thou bawdy Priapus? I have found thy + counsel just before now, et habet tua mentula mentem. +</p> +<p> + King Jupiter, answered Priapus, standing up and taking off his cowl, his + snout uncased and reared up, fiery and stiffly propped, since you compare + the one to a yelping snarling cur and the other to sly Reynard the fox, my + advice is, with submission, that without fretting or puzzling your brains + any further about 'em, without any more ado, even serve 'em both as, in the + days of yore, you did the dog and the fox. How? asked Jupiter; when? who + were they? where was it? You have a rare memory, for aught I see! returned + Priapus. This right worshipful father Bacchus, whom we have here nodding + with his crimson phiz, to be revenged on the Thebans had got a fairy fox, + who, whatever mischief he did, was never to be caught or wronged by any + beast that wore a head. +</p> +<p> + The noble Vulcan here present had framed a dog of Monesian brass, and with + long puffing and blowing put the spirit of life into him; he gave it to + you, you gave it your Miss Europa, Miss Europa gave it Minos, Minos gave it + Procris, Procris gave it Cephalus. He was also of the fairy kind; so that, + like the lawyers of our age, he was too hard for all other sorts of + creatures; nothing could scape the dog. Now who should happen to meet but + these two? What do you think they did? Dog by his destiny was to take + fox, and fox by his fate was not to be taken. +</p> +<p> + The case was brought before your council: you protested that you would not + act against the fates; and the fates were contradictory. In short, the end + and result of the matter was, that to reconcile two contradictions was an + impossibility in nature. The very pang put you into a sweat; some drops of + which happening to light on the earth, produced what the mortals call + cauliflowers. All our noble consistory, for want of a categorical + resolution, were seized with such a horrid thirst, that above seventy-eight + hogsheads of nectar were swilled down at that sitting. At last you took my + advice, and transmogrified them into stones; and immediately got rid of + your perplexity, and a truce with thirst was proclaimed through this vast + Olympus. This was the year of flabby cods, near Teumessus, between Thebes + and Chalcis. +</p> +<p> + After this manner, it is my opinion that you should petrify this dog and + this fox. The metamorphosis will not be incongruous; for they both bear + the name of Peter. And because, according to the Limosin proverb, to make + an oven's mouth there must be three stones, you may associate them with + Master Peter du Coignet, whom you formerly petrified for the same cause. + Then those three dead pieces shall be put in an equilateral trigone + somewhere in the great temple at Paris—in the middle of the porch, if you + will—there to perform the office of extinguishers, and with their noses + put out the lighted candles, torches, tapers, and flambeaux; since, while + they lived, they still lighted, ballock-like, the fire of faction, + division, ballock sects, and wrangling among those idle bearded boys, the + students. And this will be an everlasting monument to show that those puny + self-conceited pedants, ballock-framers, were rather contemned than + condemned by you. Dixi, I have said my say. +</p> +<p> + You deal too kindly by them, said Jupiter, for aught I see, Monsieur + Priapus. You do not use to be so kind to everybody, let me tell you; for + as they seek to eternize their names, it would be much better for them to + be thus changed into hard stones than to return to earth and putrefaction. + But now to other matters. Yonder behind us, towards the Tuscan sea and the + neighbourhood of Mount Apennine, do you see what tragedies are stirred up + by certain topping ecclesiastical bullies? This hot fit will last its + time, like the Limosins' ovens, and then will be cooled, but not so fast. +</p> +<p> + We shall have sport enough with it; but I foresee one inconveniency; for + methinks we have but little store of thunder ammunition since the time that + you, my fellow gods, for your pastime lavished them away to bombard new + Antioch, by my particular permission; as since, after your example, the + stout champions who had undertaken to hold the fortress of Dindenarois + against all comers fairly wasted their powder with shooting at sparrows, + and then, not having wherewith to defend themselves in time of need, + valiantly surrendered to the enemy, who were already packing up their awls, + full of madness and despair, and thought on nothing but a shameful retreat. + Take care this be remedied, son Vulcan; rouse up your drowsy Cyclopes, + Asteropes, Brontes, Arges, Polyphemus, Steropes, Pyracmon, and so forth, + set them at work, and make them drink as they ought. +</p> +<p> + Never spare liquor to such as are at hot work. Now let us despatch this + bawling fellow below. You, Mercury, go see who it is, and know what he + wants. Mercury looked out at heaven's trapdoor, through which, as I am + told, they hear what is said here below. By the way, one might well enough + mistake it for the scuttle of a ship; though Icaromenippus said it was like + the mouth of a well. The light-heeled deity saw that it was honest Tom, + who asked for his lost hatchet; and accordingly he made his report to the + synod. Marry, said Jupiter, we are finely helped up, as if we had now + nothing else to do here but to restore lost hatchets. Well, he must have + it then for all this, for so 'tis written in the Book of Fate (do you + hear?), as well as if it was worth the whole duchy of Milan. The truth is, + the fellow's hatchet is as much to him as a kingdom to a king. Come, come, + let no more words be scattered about it; let him have his hatchet again. +</p> +<p> + Now, let us make an end of the difference betwixt the Levites and + mole-catchers of Landerousse. Whereabouts were we? Priapus was standing in + the chimney-corner, and having heard what Mercury had reported, said in a + most courteous and jovial manner: King Jupiter, while by your order and + particular favour I was garden-keeper-general on earth, I observed that this + word hatchet is equivocal to many things; for it signifies a certain + instrument by the means of which men fell and cleave timber. It also + signifies (at least I am sure it did formerly) a female soundly and + frequently thumpthumpriggletickletwiddletobyed. Thus I perceived that every + cock of the game used to call his doxy his hatchet; for with that same tool + (this he said lugging out and exhibiting his nine-inch knocker) they so + strongly and resolutely shove and drive in their helves, that the females + remain free from a fear epidemical amongst their sex, viz., that from the + bottom of the male's belly the instrument should dangle at his heel for want + of such feminine props. And I remember, for I have a member, and a memory + too, ay, and a fine memory, large enough to fill a butter-firkin; I + remember, I say, that one day of tubilustre (horn-fair) at the festivals of + goodman Vulcan in May, I heard Josquin Des Prez, Olkegan, Hobrecht, + Agricola, Brumel, Camelin, Vigoris, De la Fage, Bruyer, Prioris, Seguin, De + la Rue, Midy, Moulu, Mouton, Gascogne, Loyset, Compere, Penet, Fevin, + Rousee, Richard Fort, Rousseau, Consilion, Constantio Festi, Jacquet Bercan, + melodiously singing the following catch on a pleasant green: +</p> +<a name="image-0006"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-00-400.jpg" height="911" width="578" +alt="My Hatchet, Lord Jupeter--4-00-400 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<pre> + Long John to bed went to his bride, + And laid a mallet by his side: + What means this mallet, John? saith she. + Why! 'tis to wedge thee home, quoth he. + Alas! cried she, the man's a fool: + What need you use a wooden tool? + When lusty John does to me come, + He never shoves but with his bum. +</pre> +<p> + Nine Olympiads, and an intercalary year after (I have a rare member, I + would say memory; but I often make blunders in the symbolization and + colligance of those two words), I heard Adrian Villart, Gombert, Janequin, + Arcadet, Claudin, Certon, Manchicourt, Auxerre, Villiers, Sandrin, Sohier, + Hesdin, Morales, Passereau, Maille, Maillart, Jacotin, Heurteur, Verdelot, + Carpentras, L'Heritier, Cadeac, Doublet, Vermont, Bouteiller, Lupi, + Pagnier, Millet, Du Moulin, Alaire, Maraut, Morpain, Gendre, and other + merry lovers of music, in a private garden, under some fine shady trees, + round about a bulwark of flagons, gammons, pasties, with several coated + quails, and laced mutton, waggishly singing: +</p> +<pre> + Since tools without their hafts are useless lumber, + And hatchets without helves are of that number; + That one may go in t'other, and may match it, + I'll be the helve, and thou shalt be the hatchet. +</pre> +<p> + Now would I know what kind of hatchet this bawling Tom wants? This threw + all the venerable gods and goddesses into a fit of laughter, like any + microcosm of flies; and even set limping Vulcan a-hopping and jumping + smoothly three or four times for the sake of his dear. Come, come, said + Jupiter to Mercury, run down immediately, and cast at the poor fellow's + feet three hatchets: his own, another of gold, and a third of massy + silver, all of one size; then having left it to his will to take his + choice, if he take his own, and be satisfied with it, give him the other + two; if he take another, chop his head off with his own; and henceforth + serve me all those losers of hatchets after that manner. Having said this, + Jupiter, with an awkward turn of his head, like a jackanapes swallowing of + pills, made so dreadful a phiz that all the vast Olympus quaked again. + Heaven's foot messenger, thanks to his low-crowned narrow-brimmed hat, his + plume of feathers, heel-pieces, and running stick with pigeon wings, flings + himself out at heaven's wicket, through the idle deserts of the air, and in + a trice nimbly alights upon the earth, and throws at friend Tom's feet the + three hatchets, saying unto him: Thou hast bawled long enough to be a-dry; + thy prayers and request are granted by Jupiter: see which of these three + is thy hatchet, and take it away with thee. Wellhung lifts up the golden + hatchet, peeps upon it, and finds it very heavy; then staring on Mercury, + cries, Codszouks, this is none of mine; I won't ha't: the same he did with + the silver one, and said, 'Tis not this neither, you may e'en take them + again. At last he takes up his own hatchet, examines the end of the helve, + and finds his mark there; then, ravished with joy, like a fox that meets + some straggling poultry, and sneering from the tip of the nose, he cried, + By the mass, this is my hatchet, master god; if you will leave it me, I + will sacrifice to you a very good and huge pot of milk brimful, covered + with fine strawberries, next ides of May. +</p> +<p> + Honest fellow, said Mercury, I leave it thee; take it; and because thou + hast wished and chosen moderately in point of hatchet, by Jupiter's command + I give thee these two others; thou hast now wherewith to make thyself rich: + be honest. Honest Tom gave Mercury a whole cartload of thanks, and revered + the most great Jupiter. His old hatchet he fastens close to his leathern + girdle, and girds it above his breech like Martin of Cambray; the two + others, being more heavy, he lays on his shoulder. Thus he plods on, + trudging over the fields, keeping a good countenance amongst his neighbours + and fellow-parishioners, with one merry saying or other after Patelin's + way. The next day, having put on a clean white jacket, he takes on his + back the two precious hatchets and comes to Chinon, the famous city, noble + city, ancient city, yea, the first city in the world, according to the + judgment and assertion of the most learned Massorets. At Chinon he turned + his silver hatchet into fine testons, crown-pieces, and other white cash; + his golden hatchet into fine angels, curious ducats, substantial ridders, + spankers, and rose-nobles; then with them purchases a good number of farms, + barns, houses, out-houses, thatched houses, stables, meadows, orchards, + fields, vineyards, woods, arable lands, pastures, ponds, mills, gardens, + nurseries, oxen, cows, sheep, goats, swine, hogs, asses, horses, hens, + cocks, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, ducks, drakes, and a world of all + other necessaries, and in a short time became the richest man in the + country, nay, even richer than that limping scrape-good Maulevrier. His + brother bumpkins, and the other yeomen and country-puts thereabouts, + perceiving his good fortune, were not a little amazed, insomuch that their + former pity of poor Tom was soon changed into an envy of his so great and + unexpected rise; and as they could not for their souls devise how this came + about, they made it their business to pry up and down, and lay their heads + together, to inquire, seek, and inform themselves by what means, in what + place, on what day, what hour, how, why, and wherefore, he had come by this + great treasure. +</p> +<p> + At last, hearing it was by losing his hatchet, Ha, ha! said they, was there + no more to do but to lose a hatchet to make us rich? Mum for that; 'tis as + easy as pissing a bed, and will cost but little. Are then at this time the + revolutions of the heavens, the constellations of the firmament, and + aspects of the planets such, that whosoever shall lose a hatchet shall + immediately grow rich? Ha, ha, ha! by Jove, you shall e'en be lost, an't + please you, my dear hatchet. With this they all fairly lost their hatchets + out of hand. The devil of one that had a hatchet left; he was not his + mother's son that did not lose his hatchet. No more was wood felled or + cleaved in that country through want of hatchets. Nay, the Aesopian + apologue even saith that certain petty country gents of the lower class, + who had sold Wellhung their little mill and little field to have + wherewithal to make a figure at the next muster, having been told that his + treasure was come to him by that only means, sold the only badge of their + gentility, their swords, to purchase hatchets to go lose them, as the silly + clodpates did, in hopes to gain store of chink by that loss. +</p> +<p> + You would have truly sworn they had been a parcel of your petty spiritual + usurers, Rome-bound, selling their all, and borrowing of others, to buy + store of mandates, a pennyworth of a new-made pope. +</p> +<p> + Now they cried out and brayed, and prayed and bawled, and lamented, and + invoked Jupiter: My hatchet! my hatchet! Jupiter, my hatchet! on this + side, My hatchet! on that side, My hatchet! Ho, ho, ho, ho, Jupiter, my + hatchet! The air round about rung again with the cries and howlings of + these rascally losers of hatchets. +</p> +<p> + Mercury was nimble in bringing them hatchets; to each offering that which + he had lost, as also another of gold, and a third of silver. +</p> +<p> + Every he still was for that of gold, giving thanks in abundance to the + great giver, Jupiter; but in the very nick of time that they bowed and + stooped to take it from the ground, whip, in a trice, Mercury lopped off + their heads, as Jupiter had commanded; and of heads thus cut off the number + was just equal to that of the lost hatchets. +</p> +<p> + You see how it is now; you see how it goes with those who in the simplicity + of their hearts wish and desire with moderation. Take warning by this, all + you greedy, fresh-water sharks, who scorn to wish for anything under ten + thousand pounds; and do not for the future run on impudently, as I have + sometimes heard you wishing, Would to God I had now one hundred + seventy-eight millions of gold! Oh! how I should tickle it off. The deuce + on you, what more might a king, an emperor, or a pope wish for? For that + reason, indeed, you see that after you have made such hopeful wishes, all + the good that comes to you of it is the itch or the scab, and not a cross in + your breeches to scare the devil that tempts you to make these wishes: no + more than those two mumpers, wishers after the custom of Paris; one of whom + only wished to have in good old gold as much as hath been spent, bought, and + sold in Paris, since its first foundations were laid, to this hour; all of + it valued at the price, sale, and rate of the dearest year in all that space + of time. Do you think the fellow was bashful? Had he eaten sour plums + unpeeled? Were his teeth on edge, I pray you? The other wished Our Lady's + Church brimful of steel needles, from the floor to the top of the roof, and + to have as many ducats as might be crammed into as many bags as might be + sewed with each and everyone of those needles, till they were all either + broke at the point or eye. This is to wish with a vengeance! What think + you of it? What did they get by't, in your opinion? Why at night both my + gentlemen had kibed heels, a tetter in the chin, a churchyard cough in the + lungs, a catarrh in the throat, a swingeing boil at the rump, and the devil + of one musty crust of a brown george the poor dogs had to scour their + grinders with. Wish therefore for mediocrity, and it shall be given unto + you, and over and above yet; that is to say, provided you bestir yourself + manfully, and do your best in the meantime. +</p> +<p> + Ay, but say you, God might as soon have given me seventy-eight thousand as + the thirteenth part of one half; for he is omnipotent, and a million of + gold is no more to him than one farthing. Oh, ho! pray tell me who taught + you to talk at this rate of the power and predestination of God, poor silly + people? Peace, tush, st, st, st! fall down before his sacred face and own + the nothingness of your nothing. +</p> +<p> + Upon this, O ye that labour under the affliction of the gout, I ground my + hopes; firmly believing, that if so it pleases the divine goodness, you + shall obtain health; since you wish and ask for nothing else, at least for + the present. Well, stay yet a little longer with half an ounce of + patience. +</p> +<p> + The Genoese do not use, like you, to be satisfied with wishing health + alone, when after they have all the livelong morning been in a brown study, + talked, pondered, ruminated, and resolved in the counting-houses of whom + and how they may squeeze the ready, and who by their craft must be hooked + in, wheedled, bubbled, sharped, overreached, and choused; they go to the + exchange, and greet one another with a Sanita e guadagno, Messer! health + and gain to you, sir! Health alone will not go down with the greedy + curmudgeons; they over and above must wish for gain, with a pox to 'em; ay, + and for the fine crowns, or scudi di Guadaigne; whence, heaven be praised! + it happens many a time that the silly wishers and woulders are baulked, and + get neither. +</p> +<p> + Now, my lads, as you hope for good health, cough once aloud with lungs of + leather; take me off three swingeing bumpers; prick up your ears; and you + shall hear me tell wonders of the noble and good Pantagruel. +</p> +<a name="image-0007"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-00-406.jpg" height="905" width="593" +alt="He Comes to Chinon--4-00-406 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> + + +<br><br><br> + + +<a name="2H_4_0001"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE FOURTH BOOK. +</h2> +<a name="2HCH0001"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.I.—How Pantagruel went to sea to visit the oracle of Bacbuc, alias the Holy Bottle. +</h2> +<p> + In the month of June, on Vesta's holiday, the very numerical day on which + Brutus, conquering Spain, taught its strutting dons to truckle under him, + and that niggardly miser Crassus was routed and knocked on the head by the + Parthians, Pantagruel took his leave of the good Gargantua, his royal + father. The old gentleman, according to the laudable custom of the + primitive Christians, devoutly prayed for the happy voyage of his son and + his whole company, and then they took shipping at the port of Thalassa. + Pantagruel had with him Panurge, Friar John des Entomeures, alias of the + Funnels, Epistemon, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, Carpalin, cum multis + aliis, his ancient servants and domestics; also Xenomanes, the great + traveller, who had crossed so many dangerous roads, dikes, ponds, seas, and + so forth, and was come some time before, having been sent for by Panurge. +</p> +<p> + For certain good causes and considerations him thereunto moving, he had + left with Gargantua, and marked out, in his great and universal + hydrographical chart, the course which they were to steer to visit the + Oracle of the Holy Bottle Bacbuc. The number of ships were such as I + described in the third book, convoyed by a like number of triremes, men of + war, galleons, and feluccas, well-rigged, caulked, and stored with a good + quantity of Pantagruelion. +</p> +<p> + All the officers, droggermen, pilots, captains, mates, boatswains, + midshipmen, quartermasters, and sailors, met in the Thalamege, Pantagruel's + principal flag-ship, which had in her stern for her ensign a huge large + bottle, half silver well polished, the other half gold enamelled with + carnation; whereby it was easy to guess that white and red were the colours + of the noble travellers, and that they went for the word of the Bottle. +</p> +<p> + On the stern of the second was a lantern like those of the ancients, + industriously made with diaphanous stone, implying that they were to pass + by Lanternland. The third ship had for her device a fine deep china ewer. + The fourth, a double-handed jar of gold, much like an ancient urn. The + fifth, a famous can made of sperm of emerald. The sixth, a monk's mumping + bottle made of the four metals together. The seventh, an ebony funnel, all + embossed and wrought with gold after the Tauchic manner. The eighth, an + ivy goblet, very precious, inlaid with gold. The ninth, a cup of fine + Obriz gold. The tenth, a tumbler of aromatic agoloch (you call it lignum + aloes) edged with Cyprian gold, after the Azemine make. The eleventh, a + golden vine-tub of mosaic work. The twelfth, a runlet of unpolished gold, + covered with a small vine of large Indian pearl of Topiarian work. + Insomuch that there was not a man, however in the dumps, musty, + sour-looked, or melancholic he were, not even excepting that blubbering + whiner Heraclitus, had he been there, but seeing this noble convoy of ships + and their devices, must have been seized with present gladness of heart, + and, smiling at the conceit, have said that the travellers were all honest + topers, true pitcher-men, and have judged by a most sure prognostication + that their voyage, both outward and homeward-bound, would be performed in + mirth and perfect health. +</p> +<p> + In the Thalamege, where was the general meeting, Pantagruel made a short + but sweet exhortation, wholly backed with authorities from Scripture upon + navigation; which being ended, with an audible voice prayers were said in + the presence and hearing of all the burghers of Thalassa, who had flocked + to the mole to see them take shipping. After the prayers was melodiously + sung a psalm of the holy King David, which begins, When Israel went out of + Egypt; and that being ended, tables were placed upon deck, and a feast + speedily served up. The Thalassians, who had also borne a chorus in the + psalm, caused store of belly-timber to be brought out of their houses. All + drank to them; they drank to all; which was the cause that none of the + whole company gave up what they had eaten, nor were sea-sick, with a pain + at the head and stomach; which inconveniency they could not so easily have + prevented by drinking, for some time before, salt water, either alone or + mixed with wine; using quinces, citron peel, juice of pomegranates, sourish + sweetmeats, fasting a long time, covering their stomachs with paper, or + following such other idle remedies as foolish physicians prescribe to those + that go to sea. +</p> +<p> + Having often renewed their tipplings, each mother's son retired on board + his own ship, and set sail all so fast with a merry gale at south-east; to + which point of the compass the chief pilot, James Brayer by name, had + shaped his course, and fixed all things accordingly. For seeing that the + Oracle of the Holy Bottle lay near Cathay, in the Upper India, his advice, + and that of Xenomanes also, was not to steer the course which the + Portuguese use, while sailing through the torrid zone, and Cape Bona + Speranza, at the south point of Africa, beyond the equinoctial line, and + losing sight of the northern pole, their guide, they make a prodigious long + voyage; but rather to keep as near the parallel of the said India as + possible, and to tack to the westward of the said pole, so that winding + under the north, they might find themselves in the latitude of the port of + Olone, without coming nearer it for fear of being shut up in the frozen + sea; whereas, following this canonical turn, by the said parallel, they + must have that on the right to the eastward, which at their departure was + on their left. +</p> +<p> + This proved a much shorter cut; for without shipwreck, danger, or loss of + men, with uninterrupted good weather, except one day near the island of the + Macreons, they performed in less than four months the voyage of Upper + India, which the Portuguese, with a thousand inconveniences and innumerable + dangers, can hardly complete in three years. And it is my opinion, with + submission to better judgments, that this course was perhaps steered by + those Indians who sailed to Germany, and were honourably received by the + King of the Swedes, while Quintus Metellus Celer was proconsul of the + Gauls; as Cornelius Nepos, Pomponius Mela, and Pliny after them tell us. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0002"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.II.—How Pantagruel bought many rarities in the island of Medamothy. +</h2> +<p> + That day and the two following they neither discovered land nor anything + new; for they had formerly sailed that way: but on the fourth they made an + island called Medamothy, of a fine and delightful prospect, by reason of + the vast number of lighthouses and high marble towers in its circuit, which + is not less than that of Canada (sic). Pantagruel, inquiring who governed + there, heard that it was King Philophanes, absent at that time upon account + of the marriage of his brother Philotheamon with the infanta of the kingdom + of Engys. +</p> +<p> + Hearing this, he went ashore in the harbour, and while every ship's crew + watered, passed his time in viewing divers pictures, pieces of tapestry, + animals, fishes, birds, and other exotic and foreign merchandises, which + were along the walks of the mole and in the markets of the port. For it + was the third day of the great and famous fair of the place, to which the + chief merchants of Africa and Asia resorted. Out of these Friar John + bought him two rare pictures; in one of which the face of a man that brings + in an appeal was drawn to the life; and in the other a servant that wants a + master, with every needful particular, action, countenance, look, gait, + feature, and deportment, being an original by Master Charles Charmois, + principal painter to King Megistus; and he paid for them in the court + fashion, with conge and grimace. Panurge bought a large picture, copied + and done from the needle-work formerly wrought by Philomela, showing to her + sister Progne how her brother-in-law Tereus had by force handselled her + copyhold, and then cut out her tongue that she might not (as women will) + tell tales. I vow and swear by the handle of my paper lantern that it was + a gallant, a mirific, nay, a most admirable piece. Nor do you think, I + pray you, that in it was the picture of a man playing the beast with two + backs with a female; this had been too silly and gross: no, no; it was + another-guise thing, and much plainer. You may, if you please, see it at + Theleme, on the left hand as you go into the high gallery. Epistemon + bought another, wherein were painted to the life the ideas of Plato and the + atoms of Epicurus. Rhizotome purchased another, wherein Echo was drawn to + the life. Pantagruel caused to be bought, by Gymnast, the life and deeds + of Achilles, in seventy-eight pieces of tapestry, four fathom long, and + three fathom broad, all of Phrygian silk, embossed with gold and silver; + the work beginning at the nuptials of Peleus and Thetis, continuing to the + birth of Achilles; his youth, described by Statius Papinius; his warlike + achievements, celebrated by Homer; his death and obsequies, written by Ovid + and Quintus Calaber; and ending at the appearance of his ghost, and + Polyxena's sacrifice, rehearsed by Euripides. +</p> +<p> + He also caused to be bought three fine young unicorns; one of them a male + of a chestnut colour, and two grey dappled females; also a tarand, whom he + bought of a Scythian of the Gelones' country. +</p> +<p> + A tarand is an animal as big as a bullock, having a head like a stag, or a + little bigger, two stately horns with large branches, cloven feet, hair + long like that of a furred Muscovite, I mean a bear, and a skin almost as + hard as steel armour. The Scythian said that there are but few tarands to + be found in Scythia, because it varieth its colour according to the + diversity of the places where it grazes and abides, and represents the + colour of the grass, plants, trees, shrubs, flowers, meadows, rocks, and + generally of all things near which it comes. It hath this common with the + sea-pulp, or polypus, with the thoes, with the wolves of India, and with + the chameleon, which is a kind of a lizard so wonderful that Democritus + hath written a whole book of its figure and anatomy, as also of its virtue + and propriety in magic. This I can affirm, that I have seen it change its + colour, not only at the approach of things that have a colour, but by its + own voluntary impulse, according to its fear or other affections; as, for + example, upon a green carpet I have certainly seen it become green; but + having remained there some time, it turned yellow, blue, tanned, and purple + in course, in the same manner as you see a turkey-cock's comb change colour + according to its passions. But what we find most surprising in this tarand + is, that not only its face and skin, but also its hair could take whatever + colour was about it. Near Panurge, with his kersey coat, its hair used to + turn grey; near Pantagruel, with his scarlet mantle, its hair and skin grew + red; near the pilot, dressed after the fashion of the Isiacs of Anubis in + Egypt, its hair seemed all white, which two last colours the chameleons + cannot borrow. +</p> +<p> + When the creature was free from any fear or affection, the colour of its + hair was just such as you see that of the asses of Meung. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0003"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.III.—How Pantagruel received a letter from his father Gargantua, and of the strange way to have speedy news from far distant places. +</h2> +<p> + While Pantagruel was taken up with the purchase of those foreign animals, + the noise of ten guns and culverins, together with a loud and joyful cheer + of all the fleet, was heard from the mole. Pantagruel looked towards the + haven, and perceived that this was occasioned by the arrival of one of his + father Gargantua's celoces, or advice-boats, named the Chelidonia; because + on the stern of it was carved in Corinthian brass a sea-swallow, which is a + fish as large as a dare-fish of Loire, all flesh, without scale, with + cartilaginous wings (like a bat's) very long and broad, by the means of + which I have seen them fly about three fathom above water, about a + bow-shot. At Marseilles 'tis called lendole. And indeed that ship was as + light as a swallow, so that it rather seemed to fly on the sea than to + sail. Malicorne, Gargantua's esquire carver, was come in her, being sent + expressly by his master to have an account of his son's health and + circumstances, and to bring him credentials. When Malicorne had saluted + Pantagruel, before the prince opened the letters, the first thing he said + to him was, Have you here the Gozal, the heavenly messenger? Yes, sir, + said he; here it is swaddled up in this basket. It was a grey pigeon, + taken out of Gargantua's dove-house, whose young ones were just hatched + when the advice-boat was going off. +</p> +<p> + If any ill fortune had befallen Pantagruel, he would have fastened some + black ribbon to his feet; but because all things had succeeded happily + hitherto, having caused it to be undressed, he tied to its feet a white + ribbon, and without any further delay let it loose. The pigeon presently + flew away, cutting the air with an incredible speed, as you know that there + is no flight like a pigeon's, especially when it hath eggs or young ones, + through the extreme care which nature hath fixed in it to relieve and be + with its young; insomuch that in less than two hours it compassed in the + air the long tract which the advice-boat, with all her diligence, with oars + and sails, and a fair wind, could not go through in less than three days + and three nights; and was seen as it went into the dove-house in its nest. + Whereupon Gargantua, hearing that it had the white ribbon on, was joyful + and secure of his son's welfare. This was the custom of the noble + Gargantua and Pantagruel when they would have speedy news of something of + great concern; as the event of some battle, either by sea or land; the + surrendering or holding out of some strong place; the determination of some + difference of moment; the safe or unhappy delivery of some queen or great + lady; the death or recovery of their sick friends or allies, and so forth. + They used to take the gozal, and had it carried from one to another by the + post, to the places whence they desired to have news. The gozal, bearing + either a black or white ribbon, according to the occurrences and accidents, + used to remove their doubts at its return, making in the space of one hour + more way through the air than thirty postboys could have done in one + natural day. May not this be said to redeem and gain time with a + vengeance, think you? For the like service, therefore, you may believe as + a most true thing that in the dove-houses of their farms there were to be + found all the year long store of pigeons hatching eggs or rearing their + young. Which may be easily done in aviaries and voleries by the help of + saltpetre and the sacred herb vervain. +</p> +<p> + The gozal being let fly, Pantagruel perused his father Gargantua's letter, + the contents of which were as followeth: +</p> +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> + My dearest Son,—The affection that naturally a father bears a beloved son + is so much increased in me by reflecting on the particular gifts which by + the divine goodness have been heaped on thee, that since thy departure it + hath often banished all other thoughts out of my mind, leaving my heart + wholly possessed with fear lest some misfortune has attended thy voyage; + for thou knowest that fear was ever the attendant of true and sincere love. + Now because, as Hesiod saith, A good beginning of anything is the half of + it; or, Well begun's half done, according to the old saying; to free my + mind from this anxiety I have expressly despatched Malicorne, that he may + give me a true account of thy health at the beginning of thy voyage. For + if it be good, and such as I wish it, I shall easily foresee the rest. +</p> +<p> + I have met with some diverting books, which the bearer will deliver thee; + thou mayest read them when thou wantest to unbend and ease thy mind from + thy better studies. He will also give thee at large the news at court. + The peace of the Lord be with thee. Remember me to Panurge, Friar John, + Epistemon, Xenomanes, Gymnast, and thy other principal domestics. Dated at + our paternal seat, this 13th day of June. +</p> +<p> + Thy father and friend, Gargantua. +</p> +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<a name="2HCH0004"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.IV.—How Pantagruel writ to his father Gargantua, and sent him several curiosities. +</h2> +<p> + Pantagruel, having perused the letter, had a long conference with the + esquire Malicorne; insomuch that Panurge, at last interrupting them, asked + him, Pray, sir, when do you design to drink? When shall we drink? When + shall the worshipful esquire drink? What a devil! have you not talked long + enough to drink? It is a good motion, answered Pantagruel: go, get us + something ready at the next inn; I think 'tis the Centaur. In the meantime + he writ to Gargantua as followeth, to be sent by the aforesaid esquire: +</p> +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> + Most gracious Father,—As our senses and animal faculties are more + discomposed at the news of events unexpected, though desired (even to an + immediate dissolution of the soul from the body), than if those accidents + had been foreseen, so the coming of Malicorne hath much surprised and + disordered me. For I had no hopes to see any of your servants, or to hear + from you, before I had finished our voyage; and contented myself with the + dear remembrance of your august majesty, deeply impressed in the hindmost + ventricle of my brain, often representing you to my mind. +</p> +<p> + But since you have made me happy beyond expectation by the perusal of your + gracious letter, and the faith I have in your esquire hath revived my + spirits by the news of your welfare, I am as it were compelled to do what + formerly I did freely, that is, first to praise the blessed Redeemer, who + by his divine goodness preserves you in this long enjoyment of perfect + health; then to return you eternal thanks for the fervent affection which + you have for me your most humble son and unprofitable servant. +</p> +<p> + Formerly a Roman, named Furnius, said to Augustus, who had received his + father into favour, and pardoned him after he had sided with Antony, that + by that action the emperor had reduced him to this extremity, that for want + of power to be grateful, both while he lived and after it, he should be + obliged to be taxed with ingratitude. So I may say, that the excess of + your fatherly affection drives me into such a strait, that I shall be + forced to live and die ungrateful; unless that crime be redressed by the + sentence of the Stoics, who say that there are three parts in a benefit, + the one of the giver, the other of the receiver, the third of the + remunerator; and that the receiver rewards the giver when he freely + receives the benefit and always remembers it; as, on the contrary, that man + is most ungrateful who despises and forgets a benefit. Therefore, being + overwhelmed with infinite favours, all proceeding from your extreme + goodness, and on the other side wholly incapable of making the smallest + return, I hope at least to free myself from the imputation of ingratitude, + since they can never be blotted out of my mind; and my tongue shall never + cease to own that to thank you as I ought transcends my capacity. +</p> +<p> + As for us, I have this assurance in the Lord's mercy and help, that the end + of our voyage will be answerable to its beginning, and so it will be + entirely performed in health and mirth. I will not fail to set down in a + journal a full account of our navigation, that at our return you may have + an exact relation of the whole. +</p> +<p> + I have found here a Scythian tarand, an animal strange and wonderful for + the variations of colour on its skin and hair, according to the distinction + of neighbouring things; it is as tractable and easily kept as a lamb. Be + pleased to accept of it. +</p> +<p> + I also send you three young unicorns, which are the tamest of creatures. +</p> +<p> + I have conferred with the esquire, and taught him how they must be fed. + These cannot graze on the ground by reason of the long horn on their + forehead, but are forced to browse on fruit trees, or on proper racks, or + to be fed by hand, with herbs, sheaves, apples, pears, barley, rye, and + other fruits and roots, being placed before them. +</p> +<p> + I am amazed that ancient writers should report them to be so wild, furious, + and dangerous, and never seen alive; far from it, you will find that they + are the mildest things in the world, provided they are not maliciously + offended. Likewise I send you the life and deeds of Achilles in curious + tapestry; assuring you whatever rarities of animals, plants, birds, or + precious stones, and others, I shall be able to find and purchase in our + travels, shall be brought to you, God willing, whom I beseech, by his + blessed grace, to preserve you. +</p> +<p> + From Medamothy, this 15th of June. Panurge, Friar John, Epistemon, + Zenomanes, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, and Carpalin, having most humbly + kissed your hand, return your salute a thousand times. +</p> +<p> + Your most dutiful son and servant, Pantagruel. +</p> +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<p> + While Pantagruel was writing this letter, Malicorne was made welcome by all + with a thousand goodly good-morrows and how-d'ye's; they clung about him so + that I cannot tell you how much they made of him, how many humble services, + how many from my love and to my love were sent with him. Pantagruel, + having writ his letters, sat down at table with him, and afterwards + presented him with a large chain of gold, weighing eight hundred crowns, + between whose septenary links some large diamonds, rubies, emeralds, + turquoise stones, and unions were alternately set in. To each of his + bark's crew he ordered to be given five hundred crowns. To Gargantua, his + father, he sent the tarand covered with a cloth of satin, brocaded with + gold, and the tapestry containing the life and deeds of Achilles, with the + three unicorns in friezed cloth of gold trappings; and so they left + Medamothy—Malicorne to return to Gargantua, Pantagruel to proceed in his + voyage, during which Epistemon read to him the books which the esquire had + brought, and because he found them jovial and pleasant, I shall give you an + account of them, if you earnestly desire it. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0005"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.V.—How Pantagruel met a ship with passengers returning from Lanternland. +</h2> +<p> + On the fifth day we began already to wind by little and little about the + pole; going still farther from the equinoctial line, we discovered a + merchant-man to the windward of us. The joy for this was not small on both + sides; we in hopes to hear news from sea, and those in the merchant-man + from land. So we bore upon 'em, and coming up with them we hailed them; + and finding them to be Frenchmen of Xaintonge, backed our sails and lay by + to talk to them. Pantagruel heard that they came from Lanternland; which + added to his joy, and that of the whole fleet. We inquired about the state + of that country, and the way of living of the Lanterns; and were told that + about the latter end of the following July was the time prefixed for the + meeting of the general chapter of the Lanterns; and that if we arrived + there at that time, as we might easily, we should see a handsome, + honourable, and jolly company of Lanterns; and that great preparations were + making, as if they intended to lanternize there to the purpose. We were + told also that if we touched at the great kingdom of Gebarim, we should be + honourably received and treated by the sovereign of that country, King + Ohabe, who, as well as all his subjects, speaks Touraine French. +</p> +<p> + While we were listening to these news, Panurge fell out with one Dingdong, + a drover or sheep-merchant of Taillebourg. The occasion of the fray was + thus: +</p> +<p> + This same Dingdong, seeing Panurge without a codpiece, with his spectacles + fastened to his cap, said to one of his comrades, Prithee, look, is there + not a fine medal of a cuckold? Panurge, by reason of his spectacles, as + you may well think, heard more plainly by half with his ears than usually; + which caused him (hearing this) to say to the saucy dealer in mutton, in a + kind of a pet: +</p> +<p> + How the devil should I be one of the hornified fraternity, since I am not + yet a brother of the marriage-noose, as thou art; as I guess by thy + ill-favoured phiz? +</p> +<p> + Yea, verily, quoth the grazier, I am married, and would not be otherwise + for all the pairs of spectacles in Europe; nay, not for all the magnifying + gimcracks in Africa; for I have got me the cleverest, prettiest, + handsomest, properest, neatest, tightest, honestest, and soberest piece of + woman's flesh for my wife that is in all the whole country of Xaintonge; + I'll say that for her, and a fart for all the rest. I bring her home a + fine eleven-inch-long branch of red coral for her Christmas-box. What hast + thou to do with it? what's that to thee? who art thou? whence comest thou, + O dark lantern of Antichrist? Answer, if thou art of God. I ask thee, by + the way of question, said Panurge to him very seriously, if with the + consent and countenance of all the elements, I had gingumbobbed, codpieced, + and thumpthumpriggledtickledtwiddled thy so clever, so pretty, so handsome, + so proper, so neat, so tight, so honest, and so sober female importance, + insomuch that the stiff deity that has no forecast, Priapus (who dwells + here at liberty, all subjection of fastened codpieces, or bolts, bars, and + locks, abdicated), remained sticking in her natural Christmas-box in such a + lamentable manner that it were never to come out, but eternally should + stick there unless thou didst pull it out with thy teeth; what wouldst thou + do? Wouldst thou everlastingly leave it there, or wouldst thou pluck it + out with thy grinders? Answer me, O thou ram of Mahomet, since thou art + one of the devil's gang. I would, replied the sheepmonger, take thee such + a woundy cut on this spectacle-bearing lug of thine with my trusty bilbo as + would smite thee dead as a herring. Thus, having taken pepper in the nose, + he was lugging out his sword, but, alas!—cursed cows have short horns,—it + stuck in the scabbard; as you know that at sea cold iron will easily take + rust by reason of the excessive and nitrous moisture. Panurge, so smitten + with terror that his heart sunk down to his midriff, scoured off to + Pantagruel for help; but Friar John laid hand on his flashing scimitar that + was new ground, and would certainly have despatched Dingdong to rights, had + not the skipper and some of his passengers beseeched Pantagruel not to + suffer such an outrage to be committed on board his ship. So the matter + was made up, and Panurge and his antagonist shaked fists, and drank in + course to one another in token of a perfect reconciliation. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0006"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.VI.—How, the fray being over, Panurge cheapened one of Dingdong's sheep. +</h2> +<p> + This quarrel being hushed, Panurge tipped the wink upon Epistemon and Friar + John, and taking them aside, Stand at some distance out of the way, said + he, and take your share of the following scene of mirth. You shall have + rare sport anon, if my cake be not dough, and my plot do but take. Then + addressing himself to the drover, he took off to him a bumper of good + lantern wine. The other pledged him briskly and courteously. This done, + Panurge earnestly entreated him to sell him one of his sheep. +</p> +<p> + But the other answered him, Is it come to that, friend and neighbour? + Would you put tricks upon travellers? Alas, how finely you love to play + upon poor folk! Nay, you seem a rare chapman, that's the truth on't. Oh, + what a mighty sheep-merchant you are! In good faith, you look liker one of + the diving trade than a buyer of sheep. Adzookers, what a blessing it + would be to have one's purse well lined with chink near your worship at a + tripe-house when it begins to thaw! Humph, humph, did not we know you + well, you might serve one a slippery trick! Pray do but see, good people, + what a mighty conjuror the fellow would be reckoned. Patience, said + Panurge; but waiving that, be so kind as to sell me one of your sheep. + Come, how much? What do you mean, master of mine? answered the other. + They are long-wool sheep; from these did Jason take his golden fleece. The + gold of the house of Burgundy was drawn from them. Zwoons, man, they are + oriental sheep, topping sheep, fatted sheep, sheep of quality. Be it so, + said Panurge; but sell me one of them, I beseech you; and that for a cause, + paying you ready money upon the nail, in good and lawful occidental current + cash. Wilt say how much? Friend, neighbour, answered the seller of + mutton, hark ye me a little, on the ear. +</p> +<pre> + Panurge. On which side you please; I hear you. + + Dingdong. You are going to Lanternland, they say. + + Panurge. Yea, verily. + + Dingdong. To see fashions? + + Panurge. Even so. + + Dingdong. And be merry? + + Panurge. And be merry. + + Dingdong. Your name is, as I take it, Robin Mutton? + + Panurge. As you please for that, sweet sir. + + Dingdong. Nay, without offence. + + Panurge. So I would have it. + + Dingdong. You are, as I take it, the king's jester; aren't you? + + Panurge. Ay, ay, anything. + + Dingdong. Give me your hand—humph, humph, you go to see fashions, you +are the king's jester, your name is Robin Mutton! Do you see this same +ram? His name, too, is Robin. Here, Robin, Robin, Robin! Baea, baea, +baea. Hath he not a rare voice? + + Panurge. Ay, marry has he, a very fine and harmonious voice. + + Dingdong. Well, this bargain shall be made between you and me, friend +and neighbour; we will get a pair of scales, then you Robin Mutton shall be +put into one of them, and Tup Robin into the other. Now I will hold you a +peck of Busch oysters that in weight, value, and price he shall outdo you, +and you shall be found light in the very numerical manner as when you shall +be hanged and suspended. +</pre> +<p> + Patience, said Panurge; but you would do much for me and your whole + posterity if you would chaffer with me for him, or some other of his + inferiors. I beg it of you; good your worship, be so kind. Hark ye, + friend of mine, answered the other; with the fleece of these your fine + Rouen cloth is to be made; your Leominster superfine wool is mine arse to + it; mere flock in comparison. Of their skins the best cordovan will be + made, which shall be sold for Turkey and Montelimart, or for Spanish + leather at least. Of the guts shall be made fiddle and harp strings that + will sell as dear as if they came from Munican or Aquileia. What do you + think on't, hah? If you please, sell me one of them, said Panurge, and I + will be yours for ever. Look, here's ready cash. What's the price? This + he said exhibiting his purse stuffed with new Henricuses. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0007"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.VII.—Which if you read you'll find how Panurge bargained with Dingdong. +</h2> +<a name="image-0008"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-07-420.jpg" height="465" width="595" +alt="Cost What They Will, Trade With Me--4-07-420 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Neighbour, my friend, answered Dingdong, they are meat for none but kings + and princes; their flesh is so delicate, so savoury, and so dainty that one + would swear it melted in the mouth. I bring them out of a country where + the very hogs, God be with us, live on nothing but myrobolans. The sows in + the styes when they lie-in (saving the honour of this good company) are fed + only with orange-flowers. But, said Panurge, drive a bargain with me for + one of them, and I will pay you for't like a king, upon the honest word of + a true Trojan; come, come, what do you ask? Not so fast, Robin, answered + the trader; these sheep are lineally descended from the very family of the + ram that wafted Phryxus and Helle over the sea since called the Hellespont. + A pox on't, said Panurge, you are clericus vel addiscens! Ita is a + cabbage, and vere a leek, answered the merchant. But, rr, rrr, rrrr, + rrrrr, hoh Robin, rr, rrrrrrr, you don't understand that gibberish, do you? + Now I think on't, over all the fields where they piss, corn grows as fast + as if the Lord had pissed there; they need neither be tilled nor dunged. + Besides, man, your chemists extract the best saltpetre in the world out of + their urine. Nay, with their very dung (with reverence be it spoken) the + doctors in our country make pills that cure seventy-eight kinds of + diseases, the least of which is the evil of St. Eutropius of Xaintes, from + which, good Lord, deliver us! Now what do you think on't, neighbour, my + friend? The truth is, they cost me money, that they do. Cost what they + will, cried Panurge, trade with me for one of them, paying you well. Our + friend, quoth the quacklike sheepman, do but mind the wonders of nature + that are found in those animals, even in a member which one would think + were of no use. Take me but these horns, and bray them a little with an + iron pestle, or with an andiron, which you please, it is all one to me; + then bury them wherever you will, provided it be where the sun may shine, + and water them frequently; in a few months I'll engage you will have the + best asparagus in the world, not even excepting those of Ravenna. Now, + come and tell me whether the horns of your other knights of the bull's + feather have such a virtue and wonderful propriety? +</p> +<p> + Patience, said Panurge. I don't know whether you be a scholar or no, + pursued Dingdong; I have seen a world of scholars, I say great scholars, + that were cuckolds, I'll assure you. But hark you me, if you were a + scholar, you should know that in the most inferior members of those + animals, which are the feet, there is a bone, which is the heel, the + astragalus, if you will have it so, wherewith, and with that of no other + creature breathing, except the Indian ass and the dorcades of Libya, they + used in old times to play at the royal game of dice, whereat Augustus the + emperor won above fifty thousand crowns one evening. Now such cuckolds as + you will be hanged ere you get half so much at it. Patience, said Panurge; + but let us despatch. And when, my friend and neighbour, continued the + canting sheepseller, shall I have duly praised the inward members, the + shoulders, the legs, the knuckles, the neck, the breast, the liver, the + spleen, the tripes, the kidneys, the bladder, wherewith they make + footballs; the ribs, which serve in Pigmyland to make little crossbows to + pelt the cranes with cherry-stones; the head, which with a little brimstone + serves to make a miraculous decoction to loosen and ease the belly of + costive dogs? A turd on't, said the skipper to his preaching passenger, + what a fiddle-faddle have we here? There is too long a lecture by half: + sell him if thou wilt; if thou won't, don't let the man lose more time. I + hate a gibble-gabble and a rimble-ramble talk. I am for a man of brevity. + I will, for your sake, replied the holder-forth; but then he shall give me + three livres, French money, for each pick and choose. It is a woundy + price, cried Panurge; in our country I could have five, nay six, for the + money; see that you do not overreach me, master. You are not the first man + whom I have known to have fallen, even sometimes to the endangering, if not + breaking, of his own neck, for endeavouring to rise all at once. A murrain + seize thee for a blockheaded booby, cried the angry seller of sheep; by the + worthy vow of Our Lady of Charroux, the worst in this flock is four times + better than those which the Coraxians in Tuditania, a country of Spain, + used to sell for a gold talent each; and how much dost thou think, thou + Hibernian fool, that a talent of gold was worth? Sweet sir, you fall into + a passion, I see, returned Panurge; well, hold, here is your money. + Panurge, having paid his money, chose him out of all the flock a fine + topping ram; and as he was hauling it along, crying out and bleating, all + the rest, hearing and bleating in concert, stared to see whither their + brother-ram should be carried. In the meanwhile the drover was saying to + his shepherds: Ah! how well the knave could choose him out a ram; the + whoreson has skill in cattle. On my honest word, I reserved that very + piece of flesh for the Lord of Cancale, well knowing his disposition; for + the good man is naturally overjoyed when he holds a good-sized handsome + shoulder of mutton, instead of a left-handed racket, in one hand, with a + good sharp carver in the other. God wot, how he belabours himself then. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0008"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.VIII.—How Panurge caused Dingdong and his sheep to be drowned in the sea. +</h2> +<a name="image-0009"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-08-422.jpg" height="428" width="589" +alt="All of Them Forced to Sea and Drowned--4-08-422 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + On a sudden, you would wonder how the thing was so soon done—for my part I + cannot tell you, for I had not leisure to mind it—our friend Panurge, + without any further tittle-tattle, throws you his ram overboard into the + middle of the sea, bleating and making a sad noise. Upon this all the + other sheep in the ship, crying and bleating in the same tone, made all the + haste they could to leap nimbly into the sea, one after another; and great + was the throng who should leap in first after their leader. It was + impossible to hinder them; for you know that it is the nature of sheep + always to follow the first wheresoever it goes; which makes Aristotle, lib. + 9. De. Hist. Animal., mark them for the most silly and foolish animals in + the world. Dingdong, at his wits' end, and stark staring mad, as a man who + saw his sheep destroy and drown themselves before his face, strove to + hinder and keep them back with might and main; but all in vain: they all + one after t'other frisked and jumped into the sea, and were lost. At last + he laid hold on a huge sturdy one by the fleece, upon the deck of the ship, + hoping to keep it back, and so save that and the rest; but the ram was so + strong that it proved too hard for him, and carried its master into the + herring pond in spite of his teeth—where it is supposed he drank somewhat + more than his fill, so that he was drowned—in the same manner as one-eyed + Polyphemus' sheep carried out of the den Ulysses and his companions. The + like happened to the shepherds and all their gang, some laying hold on + their beloved tup, this by the horns, t'other by the legs, a third by the + rump, and others by the fleece; till in fine they were all of them forced + to sea, and drowned like so many rats. Panurge, on the gunnel of the ship, + with an oar in his hand, not to help them you may swear, but to keep them + from swimming to the ship and saving themselves from drowning, preached and + canted to them all the while like any little Friar (Oliver) Maillard, or + another Friar John Burgess; laying before them rhetorical commonplaces + concerning the miseries of this life and the blessings and felicity of the + next; assuring them that the dead were much happier than the living in this + vale of misery, and promised to erect a stately cenotaph and honorary tomb + to every one of them on the highest summit of Mount Cenis at his return + from Lanternland; wishing them, nevertheless, in case they were not yet + disposed to shake hands with this life, and did not like their salt liquor, + they might have the good luck to meet with some kind whale which might set + them ashore safe and sound on some blessed land of Gotham, after a famous + example. +</p> +<p> + The ship being cleared of Dingdong and his tups: Is there ever another + sheepish soul left lurking on board? cried Panurge. Where are those of + Toby Lamb and Robin Ram that sleep while the rest are a-feeding? Faith, I + can't tell myself. This was an old coaster's trick. What think'st of it, + Friar John, hah? Rarely performed, answered Friar John; only methinks that + as formerly in war, on the day of battle, a double pay was commonly + promised the soldiers for that day; for if they overcame, there was enough + to pay them; and if they lost, it would have been shameful for them to + demand it, as the cowardly foresters did after the battle of Cerizoles; + likewise, my friend, you ought not to have paid your man, and the money had + been saved. A fart for the money, said Panurge; have I not had above fifty + thousand pounds' worth of sport? Come now, let's be gone; the wind is + fair. Hark you me, my friend John; never did man do me a good turn, but I + returned, or at least acknowledged it; no, I scorn to be ungrateful; I + never was, nor ever will be. Never did man do me an ill one without rueing + the day that he did it, either in this world or the next. I am not yet so + much a fool neither. Thou damn'st thyself like any old devil, quoth Friar + John; it is written, Mihi vindictam, &c. Matter of breviary, mark ye me + (Motteux adds unnecessarily (by way of explanation), 'that's holy stuff.'). +</p> +<a name="2HCH0009"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.IX.—How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Ennasin, and of the strange ways of being akin in that country. +</h2> +<p> + We had still the wind at south-south-west, and had been a whole day without + making land. On the third day, at the flies' uprising (which, you know, is + some two or three hours after the sun's), we got sight of a triangular + island, very much like Sicily for its form and situation. It was called + the Island of Alliances. +</p> +<p> + The people there are much like your carrot-pated Poitevins, save only that + all of them, men, women, and children, have their noses shaped like an ace + of clubs. For that reason the ancient name of the country was Ennasin. + They were all akin, as the mayor of the place told us; at least they + boasted so. +</p> +<p> + You people of the other world esteem it a wonderful thing that, out of the + family of the Fabii at Rome, on a certain day, which was the 13th of + February, at a certain gate, which was the Porta Carmentalis, since named + Scelerata, formerly situated at the foot of the Capitol, between the + Tarpeian rock and the Tiber, marched out against the Veientes of Etruria + three hundred and six men bearing arms, all related to each other, with + five thousand other soldiers, every one of them their vassals, who were all + slain near the river Cremera, that comes out of the lake of Beccano. Now + from this same country of Ennasin, in case of need, above three hundred + thousand, all relations and of one family, might march out. Their degrees + of consanguinity and alliance are very strange; for being thus akin and + allied to one another, we found that none was either father or mother, + brother or sister, uncle or aunt, nephew or niece, son-in-law or + daughter-in-law, godfather or godmother, to the other; unless, truly, a tall + flat-nosed old fellow, who, as I perceived, called a little shitten-arsed + girl of three or four years old, father, and the child called him daughter. +</p> +<p> + Their distinction of degrees of kindred was thus: a man used to call a + woman, my lean bit; the woman called him, my porpoise. Those, said Friar + John, must needs stink damnably of fish when they have rubbed their bacon + one with the other. One, smiling on a young buxom baggage, said, Good + morrow, dear currycomb. She, to return him his civility, said, The like to + you, my steed. Ha! ha! ha! said Panurge, that is pretty well, in faith; + for indeed it stands her in good stead to currycomb this steed. Another + greeted his buttock with a Farewell, my case. She replied, Adieu, trial. + By St. Winifred's placket, cried Gymnast, this case has been often tried. + Another asked a she-friend of his, How is it, hatchet? She answered him, + At your service, dear helve. Odds belly, saith Carpalin, this helve and + this hatchet are well matched. As we went on, I saw one who, calling his + she-relation, styled her my crumb, and she called him, my crust. +</p> +<p> + Quoth one to a brisk, plump, juicy female, I am glad to see you, dear tap. + So am I to find you so merry, sweet spiggot, replied she. One called a + wench, his shovel; she called him, her peal: one named his, my slipper; + and she, my foot: another, my boot; she, my shasoon. +</p> +<p> + In the same degree of kindred, one called his, my butter; she called him, + my eggs; and they were akin just like a dish of buttered eggs. I heard one + call his, my tripe, and she him, my faggot. Now I could not, for the + heart's blood of me, pick out or discover what parentage, alliance, + affinity, or consanguinity was between them, with reference to our custom; + only they told us that she was faggot's tripe. (Tripe de fagot means the + smallest sticks in a faggot.) Another, complimenting his convenient, said, + Yours, my shell; she replied, I was yours before, sweet oyster. I reckon, + said Carpalin, she hath gutted his oyster. Another long-shanked ugly + rogue, mounted on a pair of high-heeled wooden slippers, meeting a + strapping, fusty, squabbed dowdy, says he to her, How is't my top? She was + short upon him, and arrogantly replied, Never the better for you, my whip. + By St. Antony's hog, said Xenomanes, I believe so; for how can this whip be + sufficient to lash this top? +</p> +<p> + A college professor, well provided with cod, and powdered and prinked up, + having a while discoursed with a great lady, taking his leave with these + words, Thank you, sweetmeat; she cried, There needs no thanks, sour-sauce. + Saith Pantagruel, This is not altogether incongruous, for sweet meat must + have sour sauce. A wooden loggerhead said to a young wench, It is long + since I saw you, bag; All the better, cried she, pipe. Set them together, + said Panurge, then blow in their arses, it will be a bagpipe. We saw, + after that, a diminutive humpbacked gallant, pretty near us, taking leave + of a she-relation of his, thus: Fare thee well, friend hole; she + reparteed, Save thee, friend peg. Quoth Friar John, What could they say + more, were he all peg and she all hole? But now would I give something to + know if every cranny of the hole can be stopped up with that same peg. +</p> +<p> + A bawdy bachelor, talking with an old trout, was saying, Remember, rusty + gun. I will not fail, said she, scourer. Do you reckon these two to be + akin? said Pantagruel to the mayor. I rather take them to be foes. In our + country a woman would take this as a mortal affront. Good people of + t'other world, replied the mayor, you have few such and so near relations + as this gun and scourer are to one another; for they both come out of one + shop. What, was the shop their mother? quoth Panurge. What mother, said + the mayor, does the man mean? That must be some of your world's affinity; + we have here neither father nor mother. Your little paltry fellows that + live on t'other side the water, poor rogues, booted with wisps of hay, may + indeed have such; but we scorn it. The good Pantagruel stood gazing and + listening; but at those words he had like to have lost all patience. (Here + Motteux adds an aside—'os kai nun o Ermeneutes. P.M.'). +</p> +<p> + Having very exactly viewed the situation of the island and the way of + living of the Enassed nation, we went to take a cup of the creature at a + tavern, where there happened to be a wedding after the manner of the + country. Bating that shocking custom, there was special good cheer. +</p> +<p> + While we were there, a pleasant match was struck up betwixt a female called + Pear (a tight thing, as we thought, but by some, who knew better things, + said to be quaggy and flabby), and a young soft male, called Cheese, + somewhat sandy. (Many such matches have been, and they were formerly much + commended.) In our country we say, Il ne fut onques tel mariage, qu'est de + la poire et du fromage; there is no match like that made between the pear + and the cheese; and in many other places good store of such bargains have + been driven. Besides, when the women are at their last prayers, it is to + this day a noted saying, that after cheese comes nothing. +</p> +<p> + In another room I saw them marrying an old greasy boot to a young pliable + buskin. Pantagruel was told that young buskin took old boot to have and to + hold because she was of special leather, in good case, and waxed, seared, + liquored, and greased to the purpose, even though it had been for the + fisherman that went to bed with his boots on. In another room below, I saw + a young brogue taking a young slipper for better for worse; which, they + told us, was neither for the sake of her piety, parts, or person, but for + the fourth comprehensive p, portion; the spankers, spur-royals, + rose-nobles, and other coriander seed with which she was quilted all over. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0010"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.X.—How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Chely, where he saw King St. Panigon. +</h2> +<p> + We sailed right before the wind, which we had at west, leaving those odd + alliancers with their ace-of-clubs snouts, and having taken height by the + sun, stood in for Chely, a large, fruitful, wealthy, and well-peopled + island. King St. Panigon, first of the name, reigned there, and, attended + by the princes his sons and the nobles of his court, came as far as the + port to receive Pantagruel, and conducted him to his palace; near the gate + of which the queen, attended by the princesses her daughters and the court + ladies, received us. Panigon directed her and all her retinue to salute + Pantagruel and his men with a kiss; for such was the civil custom of the + country; and they were all fairly bussed accordingly, except Friar John, + who stepped aside and sneaked off among the king's officers. Panigon used + all the entreaties imaginable to persuade Pantagruel to tarry there that + day and the next; but he would needs be gone, and excused himself upon the + opportunity of wind and weather, which, being oftener desired than enjoyed, + ought not to be neglected when it comes. Panigon, having heard these + reasons, let us go, but first made us take off some five-and-twenty or + thirty bumpers each. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel, returning to the port, missed Friar John, and asked why he was + not with the rest of the company. Panurge could not tell how to excuse + him, and would have gone back to the palace to call him, when Friar John + overtook them, and merrily cried, Long live the noble Panigon! As I love + my belly, he minds good eating, and keeps a noble house and a dainty + kitchen. I have been there, boys. Everything goes about by dozens. I was + in good hopes to have stuffed my puddings there like a monk. What! always + in a kitchen, friend? said Pantagruel. By the belly of St. Cramcapon, + quoth the friar, I understand the customs and ceremonies which are used + there much better than all the formal stuff, antique postures, and + nonsensical fiddle-faddle that must be used with those women, magni magna, + shittencumshita, cringes, grimaces, scrapes, bows, and congees; double + honours this way, triple salutes that way, the embrace, the grasp, the + squeeze, the hug, the leer, the smack, baso las manos de vostra merce, de + vostra maesta. You are most tarabin, tarabas, Stront; that's downright + Dutch. Why all this ado? I don't say but a man might be for a bit by the + bye and away, to be doing as well as his neighbours; but this little nasty + cringing and courtesying made me as mad as any March devil. You talk of + kissing ladies; by the worthy and sacred frock I wear, I seldom venture + upon it, lest I be served as was the Lord of Guyercharois. What was it? + said Pantagruel; I know him. He is one of the best friends I have. +</p> +<p> + He was invited to a sumptuous feast, said Friar John, by a relation and + neighbour of his, together with all the gentlemen and ladies in the + neighbourhood. Now some of the latter expecting his coming, dressed the + pages in women's clothes, and finified them like any babies; then ordered + them to meet my lord at his coming near the drawbridge. So the + complimenting monsieur came, and there kissed the petticoated lads with + great formality. At last the ladies, who minded passages in the gallery, + burst out with laughing, and made signs to the pages to take off their + dress; which the good lord having observed, the devil a bit he durst make + up to the true ladies to kiss them, but said, that since they had disguised + the pages, by his great grandfather's helmet, these were certainly the very + footmen and grooms still more cunningly disguised. Odds fish, da jurandi, + why do not we rather remove our humanities into some good warm kitchen of + God, that noble laboratory, and there admire the turning of the spits, the + harmonious rattling of the jacks and fenders, criticise on the position of + the lard, the temperature of the pottages, the preparation for the dessert, + and the order of the wine service? Beati immaculati in via. Matter of + breviary, my masters. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0011"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XI.—Why monks love to be in kitchens. +</h2> +<p> + This, said Epistemon, is spoke like a true monk; I mean like a right + monking monk, not a bemonked monastical monkling. Truly you put me in mind + of some passages that happened at Florence, some twenty years ago, in a + company of studious travellers, fond of visiting the learned, and seeing + the antiquities of Italy, among whom I was. As we viewed the situation and + beauty of Florence, the structure of the dome, the magnificence of the + churches and palaces, we strove to outdo one another in giving them their + due; when a certain monk of Amiens, Bernard Lardon by name, quite angry, + scandalized, and out of all patience, told us, I don't know what the devil + you can find in this same town, that is so much cried up; for my part I + have looked and pored and stared as well as the best of you; I think my + eyesight is as clear as another body's, and what can one see after all? + There are fine houses, indeed and that's all. But the cage does not feed + the birds. God and Monsieur St. Bernard, our good patron, be with us! in + all this same town I have not seen one poor lane of roasting cooks; and yet + I have not a little looked about and sought for so necessary a part of a + commonwealth: ay, and I dare assure you that I have pried up and down with + the exactness of an informer; as ready to number, both to the right and + left, how many, and on what side, we might find most roasting cooks, as a + spy would be to reckon the bastions of a town. Now at Amiens, in four, + nay, five times less ground than we have trod in our contemplations, I + could have shown you above fourteen streets of roasting cooks, most + ancient, savoury, and aromatic. I cannot imagine what kind of pleasure you + can have taken in gazing on the lions and Africans (so methinks you call + their tigers) near the belfry, or in ogling the porcupines and estridges in + the Lord Philip Strozzi's palace. Faith and truth I had rather see a good + fat goose at the spit. This porphyry, those marbles are fine; I say + nothing to the contrary; but our cheesecakes at Amiens are far better in my + mind. These ancient statues are well made; I am willing to believe it; + but, by St. Ferreol of Abbeville, we have young wenches in our country + which please me better a thousand times. +</p> +<p> + What is the reason, asked Friar John, that monks are always to be found in + kitchens, and kings, emperors, and popes are never there? Is there not, + said Rhizotome, some latent virtue and specific propriety hid in the + kettles and pans, which, as the loadstone attracts iron, draws the monks + there, and cannot attract emperors, popes, or kings? Or is it a natural + induction and inclination, fixed in the frocks and cowls, which of itself + leads and forceth those good religious men into kitchens, whether they will + or no? He would speak of forms following matter, as Averroes calls them, + answered Epistemon. Right, said Friar John. +</p> +<p> + I will not offer to solve this problem, said Pantagruel; for it is somewhat + ticklish, and you can hardly handle it without coming off scurvily; but I + will tell you what I have heard. +</p> +<p> + Antigonus, King of Macedon, one day coming into one of the tents, where his + cooks used to dress his meat, and finding there poet Antagoras frying a + conger, and holding the pan himself, merrily asked him, Pray, Mr. Poet, was + Homer frying congers when he wrote the deeds of Agamemnon? Antagoras + readily answered: But do you think, sir, that when Agamemnon did them he + made it his business to know if any in his camp were frying congers? The + king thought it an indecency that a poet should be thus a-frying in a + kitchen; and the poet let the king know that it was a more indecent thing + for a king to be found in such a place. I'll clap another story upon the + neck of this, quoth Panurge, and will tell you what Breton Villandry + answered one day to the Duke of Guise. +</p> +<p> + They were saying that at a certain battle of King Francis against Charles + the Fifth, Breton, armed cap-a-pie to the teeth, and mounted like St. + George, yet sneaked off, and played least in sight during the engagement. + Blood and oons, answered Breton, I was there, and can prove it easily; nay, + even where you, my lord, dared not have been. The duke began to resent + this as too rash and saucy; but Breton easily appeased him, and set them + all a-laughing. Egad, my lord, quoth he, I kept out of harm's way; I was + all the while with your page Jack, skulking in a certain place where you + had not dared hide your head as I did. Thus discoursing, they got to their + ships, and left the island of Chely. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0012"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XII.—How Pantagruel passed by the land of Pettifogging, and of the strange way of living among the Catchpoles. +</h2> +<a name="image-0010"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-12-430.jpg" height="920" width="603" +alt="Messire Oudart--4-12-430 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Steering our course forwards the next day, we passed through Pettifogging, + a country all blurred and blotted, so that I could hardly tell what to make + on't. There we saw some pettifoggers and catchpoles, rogues that will hang + their father for a groat. They neither invited us to eat or drink; but, + with a multiplied train of scrapes and cringes, said they were all at our + service for the Legem pone. +</p> +<p> + One of our droggermen related to Pantagruel their strange way of living, + diametrically opposed to that of our modern Romans; for at Rome a world of + folks get an honest livelihood by poisoning, drubbing, lambasting, + stabbing, and murthering; but the catchpoles earn theirs by being thrashed; + so that if they were long without a tight lambasting, the poor dogs with + their wives and children would be starved. This is just, quoth Panurge, + like those who, as Galen tells us, cannot erect the cavernous nerve towards + the equinoctial circle unless they are soundly flogged. By St. Patrick's + slipper, whoever should jerk me so, would soon, instead of setting me + right, throw me off the saddle, in the devil's name. +</p> +<p> + The way is this, said the interpreter. When a monk, levite, close-fisted + usurer, or lawyer owes a grudge to some neighbouring gentleman, he sends to + him one of those catchpoles or apparitors, who nabs, or at least cites him, + serves a writ or warrant upon him, thumps, abuses, and affronts him + impudently by natural instinct, and according to his pious instructions; + insomuch, that if the gentleman hath but any guts in his brains, and is not + more stupid than a gyrin frog, he will find himself obliged either to apply + a faggot-stick or his sword to the rascal's jobbernowl, give him the gentle + lash, or make him cut a caper out at the window, by way of correction. + This done, Catchpole is rich for four months at least, as if bastinadoes + were his real harvest; for the monk, levite, usurer, or lawyer will reward + him roundly; and my gentleman must pay him such swingeing damages that his + acres must bleed for it, and he be in danger of miserably rotting within a + stone doublet, as if he had struck the king. +</p> +<p> + Quoth Panurge, I know an excellent remedy against this used by the Lord of + Basche. What is it? said Pantagruel. The Lord of Basche, said Panurge, + was a brave, honest, noble-spirited gentleman, who, at his return from the + long war in which the Duke of Ferrara, with the help of the French, bravely + defended himself against the fury of Pope Julius the Second, was every day + cited, warned, and prosecuted at the suit and for the sport and fancy of + the fat prior of St. Louant. +</p> +<p> + One morning, as he was at breakfast with some of his domestics (for he + loved to be sometimes among them) he sent for one Loire, his baker, and his + spouse, and for one Oudart, the vicar of his parish, who was also his + butler, as the custom was then in France; then said to them before his + gentlemen and other servants: You all see how I am daily plagued with + these rascally catchpoles. Truly, if you do not lend me your helping hand, + I am finally resolved to leave the country, and go fight for the sultan, or + the devil, rather than be thus eternally teased. Therefore, to be rid of + their damned visits, hereafter, when any of them come here, be ready, you + baker and your wife, to make your personal appearance in my great hall, in + your wedding clothes, as if you were going to be affianced. Here, take + these ducats, which I give you to keep you in a fitting garb. As for you, + Sir Oudart, be sure you make your personal appearance there in your fine + surplice and stole, not forgetting your holy water, as if you were to wed + them. Be you there also, Trudon, said he to his drummer, with your pipe + and tabor. The form of matrimony must be read, and the bride kissed; then + all of you, as the witnesses used to do in this country, shall give one + another the remembrance of the wedding, which you know is to be a blow with + your fist, bidding the party struck remember the nuptials by that token. + This will but make you have the better stomach to your supper; but when you + come to the catchpole's turn, thrash him thrice and threefold, as you would + a sheaf of green corn; do not spare him; maul him, drub him, lambast him, + swinge him off, I pray you. Here, take these steel gauntlets, covered with + kid. Head, back, belly, and sides, give him blows innumerable; he that + gives him most shall be my best friend. Fear not to be called to an + account about it; I will stand by you; for the blows must seem to be given + in jest, as it is customary among us at all weddings. +</p> +<p> + Ay, but how shall we know the catchpole? said the man of God. All sorts of + people daily resort to this castle. I have taken care of that, replied the + lord. When some fellow, either on foot, or on a scurvy jade, with a large + broad silver ring on his thumb, comes to the door, he is certainly a + catchpole; the porter having civilly let him in, shall ring the bell; then + be all ready, and come into the hall, to act the tragi-comedy whose plot I + have now laid for you. +</p> +<p> + That numerical day, as chance would have it, came an old fat ruddy + catchpole. Having knocked at the gate, and then pissed, as most men will + do, the porter soon found him out, by his large greasy spatterdashes, his + jaded hollow-flanked mare, his bagful of writs and informations dangling at + his girdle, but, above all, by the large silver hoop on his left thumb. +</p> +<p> + The porter was civil to him, admitted him in kindly, and rung the bell + briskly. As soon as the baker and his wife heard it, they clapped on their + best clothes, and made their personal appearance in the hall, keeping their + gravities like a new-made judge. The dominie put on his surplice and + stole, and as he came out of his office, met the catchpole, had him in + there, and made him suck his face a good while, while the gauntlets were + drawing on all hands; and then told him, You are come just in pudding-time; + my lord is in his right cue. We shall feast like kings anon; here is to be + swingeing doings; we have a wedding in the house; here, drink and cheer up; + pull away. +</p> +<p> + While these two were at it hand-to-fist, Basche, seeing all his people in + the hall in their proper equipage, sends for the vicar. Oudart comes with + the holy-water pot, followed by the catchpole, who, as he came into the + hall, did not forget to make good store of awkward cringes, and then served + Basche with a writ. Basche gave him grimace for grimace, slipped an angel + into his mutton-fist, and prayed him to assist at the contract and + ceremony; which he did. When it was ended, thumps and fisticuffs began to + fly about among the assistants; but when it came to the catchpole's turn, + they all laid on him so unmercifully with their gauntlets that they at last + settled him, all stunned and battered, bruised and mortified, with one of + his eyes black and blue, eight ribs bruised, his brisket sunk in, his + omoplates in four quarters, his under jawbone in three pieces; and all this + in jest, and no harm done. God wot how the levite belaboured him, hiding + within the long sleeve of his canonical shirt his huge steel gauntlet lined + with ermine; for he was a strong-built ball, and an old dog at fisticuffs. + The catchpole, all of a bloody tiger-like stripe, with much ado crawled + home to L'Isle Bouchart, well pleased and edified, however, with Basche's + kind reception; and, with the help of the good surgeons of the place, lived + as long as you would have him. From that time to this, not a word of the + business; the memory of it was lost with the sound of the bells that rung + with joy at his funeral. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0013"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XIII.—How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord of Basche commended his servants. +</h2> +<p> + The catchpole being packed off on blind Sorrel—so he called his one-eyed + mare—Basche sent for his lady, her women, and all his servants, into the + arbour of his garden; had wine brought, attended with good store of + pasties, hams, fruit, and other table-ammunition, for a nunchion; drank + with them joyfully, and then told them this story: +</p> +<p> + Master Francis Villon in his old age retired to St. Maxent in Poitou, under + the patronage of a good honest abbot of the place. There to make sport for + the mob, he undertook to get the Passion acted, after the way, and in the + dialect of the country. The parts being distributed, the play having been + rehearsed, and the stage prepared, he told the mayor and aldermen that the + mystery might be ready after Niort fair, and that there only wanted + properties and necessaries, but chiefly clothes fit for the parts; so the + mayor and his brethren took care to get them. +</p> +<p> + Villon, to dress an old clownish father greybeard, who was to represent God + the father, begged of Friar Stephen Tickletoby, sacristan to the Franciscan + friars of the place, to lend him a cope and a stole. Tickletoby refused + him, alleging that by their provincial statutes it was rigorously forbidden + to give or lend anything to players. Villon replied that the statute + reached no farther than farces, drolls, antics, loose and dissolute games, + and that he asked no more than what he had seen allowed at Brussels and + other places. Tickletoby notwithstanding peremptorily bid him provide + himself elsewhere if he would, and not to hope for anything out of his + monastical wardrobe. Villon gave an account of this to the players, as of + a most abominable action; adding, that God would shortly revenge himself, + and make an example of Tickletoby. +</p> +<p> + The Saturday following he had notice given him that Tickletoby, upon the + filly of the convent—so they call a young mare that was never leaped yet + —was gone a-mumping to St. Ligarius, and would be back about two in the + afternoon. Knowing this, he made a cavalcade of his devils of the Passion + through the town. They were all rigged with wolves', calves', and rams' + skins, laced and trimmed with sheep's heads, bull's feathers, and large + kitchen tenterhooks, girt with broad leathern girdles, whereat hanged + dangling huge cow-bells and horse-bells, which made a horrid din. Some + held in their claws black sticks full of squibs and crackers; others had + long lighted pieces of wood, upon which, at the corner of every street, + they flung whole handfuls of rosin-dust, that made a terrible fire and + smoke. Having thus led them about, to the great diversion of the mob and + the dreadful fear of little children, he finally carried them to an + entertainment at a summer-house without the gate that leads to St. + Ligarius. +</p> +<p> + As they came near to the place, he espied Tickletoby afar off, coming home + from mumping, and told them in macaronic verse: +</p> +<pre> + Hic est de patria, natus, de gente belistra, + Qui solet antiqua bribas portare bisacco. (Motteux reads: + + 'Hic est mumpator natus de gente Cucowli, + Qui solet antiquo Scrappas portare bisacco.') +</pre> +<p> + A plague on his friarship, said the devils then; the lousy beggar would not + lend a poor cope to the fatherly father; let us fright him. Well said, + cried Villon; but let us hide ourselves till he comes by, and then charge + him home briskly with your squibs and burning sticks. Tickletoby being + come to the place, they all rushed on a sudden into the road to meet him, + and in a frightful manner threw fire from all sides upon him and his filly + foal, ringing and tingling their bells, and howling like so many real + devils, Hho, hho, hho, hho, brrou, rrou, rrourrs, rrrourrs, hoo, hou, hou + hho, hho, hhoi. Friar Stephen, don't we play the devils rarely? The filly + was soon scared out of her seven senses, and began to start, to funk it, to + squirt it, to trot it, to fart it, to bound it, to gallop it, to kick it, + to spurn it, to calcitrate it, to wince it, to frisk it, to leap it, to + curvet it, with double jerks, and bum-motions; insomuch that she threw down + Tickletoby, though he held fast by the tree of the pack-saddle with might + and main. Now his straps and stirrups were of cord; and on the right side + his sandals were so entangled and twisted that he could not for the heart's + blood of him get out his foot. Thus he was dragged about by the filly + through the road, scratching his bare breech all the way; she still + multiplying her kicks against him, and straying for fear over hedge and + ditch, insomuch that she trepanned his thick skull so that his cockle + brains were dashed out near the Osanna or high-cross. Then his arms fell + to pieces, one this way and the other that way; and even so were his legs + served at the same time. Then she made a bloody havoc with his puddings; + and being got to the convent, brought back only his right foot and twisted + sandal, leaving them to guess what was become of the rest. +</p> +<p> + Villon, seeing that things had succeeded as he intended, said to his + devils, You will act rarely, gentlemen devils, you will act rarely; I dare + engage you'll top your parts. I defy the devils of Saumur, Douay, + Montmorillon, Langez, St. Espain, Angers; nay, by gad, even those of + Poictiers, for all their bragging and vapouring, to match you. +</p> +<p> + Thus, friends, said Basche, I foresee that hereafter you will act rarely + this tragical farce, since the very first time you have so skilfully + hampered, bethwacked, belammed, and bebumped the catchpole. From this day + I double your wages. As for you, my dear, said he to his lady, make your + gratifications as you please; you are my treasurer, you know. For my part, + first and foremost, I drink to you all. Come on, box it about; it is good + and cool. In the second place, you, Mr. Steward, take this silver basin; I + give it you freely. Then you, my gentlemen of the horse, take these two + silver-gilt cups, and let not the pages be horsewhipped these three months. + My dear, let them have my best white plumes of feathers, with the gold + buckles to them. Sir Oudart, this silver flagon falls to your share; this + other I give to the cooks. To the valets de chambre I give this silver + basket; to the grooms, this silver-gilt boat; to the porter, these two + plates; to the hostlers, these ten porringers. Trudon, take you these + silver spoons and this sugar-box. You, footman, take this large salt. + Serve me well, and I will remember you. For, on the word of a gentleman, I + had rather bear in war one hundred blows on my helmet in the service of my + country than be once cited by these knavish catchpoles merely to humour + this same gorbellied prior. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0014"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XIV.—A further account of catchpoles who were drubbed at Basche's house. +</h2> +<p> + Four days after another young, long-shanked, raw-boned catchpole coming to + serve Basche with a writ at the fat prior's request, was no sooner at the + gate but the porter smelt him out and rung the bell; at whose second pull + all the family understood the mystery. Loire was kneading his dough; his + wife was sifting meal; Oudart was toping in his office; the gentlemen were + playing at tennis; the Lord Basche at in-and-out with my lady; the + waiting-men and gentle-women at push-pin; the officers at lanterloo, and the + pages at hot-cockles, giving one another smart bangs. They were all + immediately informed that a catchpole was housed. +</p> +<p> + Upon this Oudart put on his sacerdotal, and Loire and his wife their + nuptial badges; Trudon piped it, and then tabored it like mad; all made + haste to get ready, not forgetting the gauntlets. Basche went into the + outward yard; there the catchpole meeting him fell on his marrow-bones, + begged of him not to take it ill if he served him with a writ at the suit + of the fat prior; and in a pathetic speech let him know that he was a + public person, a servant to the monking tribe, apparitor to the abbatial + mitre, ready to do as much for him, nay, for the least of his servants, + whensoever he would employ and use him. +</p> +<p> + Nay, truly, said the lord, you shall not serve your writ till you have + tasted some of my good Quinquenays wine, and been a witness to a wedding + which we are to have this very minute. Let him drink and refresh himself, + added he, turning towards the levitical butler, and then bring him into the + hall. After which, Catchpole, well stuffed and moistened, came with Oudart + to the place where all the actors in the farce stood ready to begin. The + sight of their game set them a-laughing, and the messenger of mischief + grinned also for company's sake. Then the mysterious words were muttered + to and by the couple, their hands joined, the bride bussed, and all + besprinkled with holy water. While they were bringing wine and kickshaws, + thumps began to trot about by dozens. The catchpole gave the levite + several blows. Oudart, who had his gauntlet hid under his canonical shirt, + draws it on like a mitten, and then, with his clenched fist, souse he fell + on the catchpole and mauled him like a devil; the junior gauntlets dropped + on him likewise like so many battering rams. Remember the wedding by this, + by that, by these blows, said they. In short, they stroked him so to the + purpose that he pissed blood out at mouth, nose, ears, and eyes, and was + bruised, thwacked, battered, bebumped, and crippled at the back, neck, + breast, arms, and so forth. Never did the bachelors at Avignon in carnival + time play more melodiously at raphe than was then played on the catchpole's + microcosm. At last down he fell. +</p> +<p> + They threw a great deal of wine on his snout, tied round the sleeve of his + doublet a fine yellow and green favour, and got him upon his snotty beast, + and God knows how he got to L'Isle Bouchart; where I cannot truly tell you + whether he was dressed and looked after or no, both by his spouse and the + able doctors of the country; for the thing never came to my ears. +</p> +<p> + The next day they had a third part to the same tune, because it did not + appear by the lean catchpole's bag that he had served his writ. So the fat + prior sent a new catchpole, at the head of a brace of bums for his garde du + corps, to summon my lord. The porter ringing the bell, the whole family + was overjoyed, knowing that it was another rogue. Basche was at dinner + with his lady and the gentlemen; so he sent for the catchpole, made him sit + by him, and the bums by the women, and made them eat till their bellies + cracked with their breeches unbuttoned. The fruit being served, the + catchpole arose from table, and before the bums cited Basche. Basche + kindly asked him for a copy of the warrant, which the other had got ready; + he then takes witness and a copy of the summons. To the catchpole and his + bums he ordered four ducats for civility money. In the meantime all were + withdrawn for the farce. So Trudon gave the alarm with his tabor. Basche + desired the catchpole to stay and see one of his servants married, and + witness the contract of marriage, paying him his fee. The catchpole + slapdash was ready, took out his inkhorn, got paper immediately, and his + bums by him. +</p> +<p> + Then Loire came into the hall at one door, and his wife with the + gentlewomen at another, in nuptial accoutrements. Oudart, in + pontificalibus, takes them both by their hands, asketh them their will, + giveth them the matrimonial blessing, and was very liberal of holy water. + The contract written, signed, and registered, on one side was brought wine + and comfits; on the other, white and orange-tawny-coloured favours were + distributed; on another, gauntlets privately handed about. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0015"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XV.—How the ancient custom at nuptials is renewed by the catchpole. +</h2> +<p> + The catchpole, having made shift to get down a swingeing sneaker of Breton + wine, said to Basche, Pray, sir, what do you mean? You do not give one + another the memento of the wedding. By St. Joseph's wooden shoe, all good + customs are forgot. We find the form, but the hare is scampered; and the + nest, but the birds are flown. There are no true friends nowadays. You + see how, in several churches, the ancient laudable custom of tippling on + account of the blessed saints O O, at Christmas, is come to nothing. The + world is in its dotage, and doomsday is certainly coming all so fast. Now + come on; the wedding, the wedding, the wedding; remember it by this. This + he said, striking Basche and his lady; then her women and the levite. Then + the tabor beat a point of war, and the gauntlets began to do their duty; + insomuch that the catchpole had his crown cracked in no less than nine + places. One of the bums had his right arm put out of joint, and the other + his upper jaw-bone or mandibule dislocated so that it hid half his chin, + with a denudation of the uvula, and sad loss of the molar, masticatory, and + canine teeth. Then the tabor beat a retreat; the gauntlets were carefully + hid in a trice, and sweetmeats afresh distributed to renew the mirth of the + company. So they all drank to one another, and especially to the catchpole + and his bums. But Oudart cursed and damned the wedding to the pit of hell, + complaining that one of the bums had utterly disincornifistibulated his + nether shoulder-blade. Nevertheless, he scorned to be thought a flincher, + and made shift to tope to him on the square. +</p> +<p> + The jawless bum shrugged up his shoulders, joined his hands, and by signs + begged his pardon; for speak he could not. The sham bridegroom made his + moan, that the crippled bum had struck him such a horrid thump with his + shoulder-of-mutton fist on the nether elbow that he was grown quite + esperruquanchuzelubelouzerireliced down to his very heel, to the no small + loss of mistress bride. +</p> +<p> + But what harm had poor I done? cried Trudon, hiding his left eye with his + kerchief, and showing his tabor cracked on one side; they were not + satisfied with thus poaching, black and bluing, and + morrambouzevezengouzequoquemorgasacbaquevezinemaffreliding my poor eyes, + but they have also broke my harmless drum. Drums indeed are commonly + beaten at weddings, and it is fit they should; but drummers are well + entertained and never beaten. Now let Beelzebub e'en take the drum, to + make his devilship a nightcap. Brother, said the lame catchpole, never + fret thyself; I will make thee a present of a fine, large, old patent, + which I have here in my bag, to patch up thy drum, and for Madame St. + Ann's sake I pray thee forgive us. By Our Lady of Riviere, the blessed + dame, I meant no more harm than the child unborn. One of the equerries, + who, hopping and halting like a mumping cripple, mimicked the good limping + Lord de la Roche Posay, directed his discourse to the bum with the pouting + jaw, and told him: What, Mr. Manhound, was it not enough thus to have + morcrocastebezasteverestegrigeligoscopapopondrillated us all in our upper + members with your botched mittens, but you must also apply such + morderegripippiatabirofreluchamburelurecaquelurintimpaniments on our + shinbones with the hard tops and extremities of your cobbled shoes. Do + you call this children's play? By the mass, 'tis no jest. The bum, + wringing his hands, seemed to beg his pardon, muttering with his tongue, + Mon, mon, mon, vrelon, von, von, like a dumb man. The bride crying + laughed, and laughing cried, because the catchpole was not satisfied with + drubbing her without choice or distinction of members, but had also rudely + roused and toused her, pulled off her topping, and not having the fear of + her husband before his eyes, treacherously + trepignemanpenillorifrizonoufresterfumbled tumbled and squeezed her lower + parts. The devil go with it, said Basche; there was much need indeed that + this same Master King (this was the catchpole's name) should thus break my + wife's back; however, I forgive him now; these are little nuptial + caresses. But this I plainly perceive, that he cited me like an angel, and + drubbed me like a devil. He had something in him of Friar Thumpwell. + Come, for all this, I must drink to him, and to you likewise, his trusty + esquires. But, said his lady, why hath he been so very liberal of his + manual kindness to me, without the least provocation? I assure you, I by + no means like it; but this I dare say for him, that he hath the hardest + knuckles that ever I felt on my shoulders. The steward held his left arm + in a scarf, as if it had been rent and torn in twain. I think it was the + devil, said he, that moved me to assist at these nuptials; shame on ill + luck; I must needs be meddling with a pox, and now see what I have got by + the bargain, both my arms are wretchedly engoulevezinemassed and bruised. + Do you call this a wedding? By St. Bridget's tooth, I had rather be at + that of a Tom T—d-man. This is, o' my word, even just such another feast + as was that of the Lapithae, described by the philosopher of Samosata. + One of the bums had lost his tongue. The other two, tho' they had more + need to complain, made their excuse as well as they could, protesting that + they had no ill design in this dumbfounding; begging that, for goodness + sake, they would forgive them; and so, tho' they could hardly budge a + foot, or wag along, away they crawled. About a mile from Basche's seat, + the catchpole found himself somewhat out of sorts. The bums got to L'Isle + Bouchart, publicly saying that since they were born they had never seen an + honester gentleman than the Lord of Basche, or civiller people than his, + and that they had never been at the like wedding (which I verily believe); + but that it was their own faults if they had been tickled off, and tossed + about from post to pillar, since themselves had began the beating. So + they lived I cannot exactly tell you how many days after this. But from + that time to this it was held for a certain truth that Basche's money was + more pestilential, mortal, and pernicious to the catchpoles and bums than + were formerly the aurum Tholosanum and the Sejan horse to those that + possessed them. Ever since this he lived quietly, and Basche's wedding + grew into a common proverb. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0016"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XVI.—How Friar John made trial of the nature of the catchpoles. +</h2> +<p> + This story would seem pleasant enough, said Pantagruel, were we not to have + always the fear of God before our eyes. It had been better, said + Epistemon, if those gauntlets had fallen upon the fat prior. Since he took + a pleasure in spending his money partly to vex Basche, partly to see those + catchpoles banged, good lusty thumps would have done well on his shaved + crown, considering the horrid concussions nowadays among those puny judges. + What harm had done those poor devils the catchpoles? This puts me in mind, + said Pantagruel, of an ancient Roman named L. Neratius. He was of noble + blood, and for some time was rich; but had this tyrannical inclination, + that whenever he went out of doors he caused his servants to fill their + pockets with gold and silver, and meeting in the street your spruce + gallants and better sort of beaux, without the least provocation, for his + fancy, he used to strike them hard on the face with his fist; and + immediately after that, to appease them and hinder them from complaining to + the magistrates, he would give them as much money as satisfied them + according to the law of the twelve tables. Thus he used to spend his + revenue, beating people for the price of his money. By St. Bennet's sacred + boot, quoth Friar John, I will know the truth of it presently. +</p> +<p> + This said, he went on shore, put his hand in his fob, and took out twenty + ducats; then said with a loud voice, in the hearing of a shoal of the + nation of catchpoles, Who will earn twenty ducats for being beaten like the + devil? Io, Io, Io, said they all; you will cripple us for ever, sir, that + is most certain; but the money is tempting. With this they were all + thronging who should be first to be thus preciously beaten. Friar John + singled him out of the whole knot of these rogues in grain, a red-snouted + catchpole, who upon his right thumb wore a thick broad silver hoop, wherein + was set a good large toadstone. He had no sooner picked him out from the + rest, but I perceived that they all muttered and grumbled; and I heard a + young thin-jawed catchpole, a notable scholar, a pretty fellow at his pen, + and, according to public report, much cried up for his honesty at Doctors' + Commons, making his complaint and muttering because this same crimson phiz + carried away all the practice, and that if there were but a score and a + half of bastinadoes to be got, he would certainly run away with eight and + twenty of them. But all this was looked upon to be nothing but mere envy. +</p> +<p> + Friar John so unmercifully thrashed, thumped, and belaboured Red-snout, + back and belly, sides, legs, and arms, head, feet, and so forth, with the + home and frequently repeated application of one of the best members of a + faggot, that I took him to be a dead man; then he gave him the twenty + ducats, which made the dog get on his legs, pleased like a little king or + two. The rest were saying to Friar John, Sir, sir, brother devil, if it + please you to do us the favour to beat some of us for less money, we are + all at your devilship's command, bags, papers, pens, and all. Red-snout + cried out against them, saying, with a loud voice, Body of me, you little + prigs, will you offer to take the bread out of my mouth? will you take my + bargain over my head? would you draw and inveigle from me my clients and + customers? Take notice, I summon you before the official this day + sevennight; I will law and claw you like any old devil of Vauverd, that I + will—Then turning himself towards Friar John, with a smiling and joyful + look, he said to him, Reverend father in the devil, if you have found me a + good hide, and have a mind to divert yourself once more by beating your + humble servant, I will bate you half in half this time rather than lose + your custom; do not spare me, I beseech you; I am all, and more than all, + yours, good Mr. Devil; head, lungs, tripes, guts, and garbage; and that at + a pennyworth, I'll assure you. Friar John never heeded his proffers, but + even left them. The other catchpoles were making addresses to Panurge, + Epistemon, Gymnast, and others, entreating them charitably to bestow upon + their carcasses a small beating, for otherwise they were in danger of + keeping a long fast; but none of them had a stomach to it. Some time + after, seeking fresh water for the ship's company, we met a couple of old + female catchpoles of the place, miserably howling and weeping in concert. + Pantagruel had kept on board, and already had caused a retreat to be + sounded. Thinking that they might be related to the catchpole that was + bastinadoed, we asked them the occasion of their grief. They replied that + they had too much cause to weep; for that very hour, from an exalted triple + tree, two of the honestest gentlemen in Catchpole-land had been made to cut + a caper on nothing. Cut a caper on nothing, said Gymnast; my pages use to + cut capers on the ground; to cut a caper on nothing should be hanging and + choking, or I am out. Ay, ay, said Friar John; you speak of it like St. + John de la Palisse. +</p> +<p> + We asked them why they treated these worthy persons with such a choking + hempen salad. They told us they had only borrowed, alias stolen, the tools + of the mass and hid them under the handle of the parish. This is a very + allegorical way of speaking, said Epistemon. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0017"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XVII.—How Pantagruel came to the islands of Tohu and Bohu; and of the strange death of Wide-nostrils, the swallower of windmills. +</h2> +<p> + That day Pantagruel came to the two islands of Tohu and Bohu, where the + devil a bit we could find anything to fry with. For one Wide-nostrils, + a huge giant, had swallowed every individual pan, skillet, kettle, + frying-pan, dripping-pan, and brass and iron pot in the land, for want of + windmills, which were his daily food. Whence it happened that somewhat + before day, about the hour of his digestion, the greedy churl was taken + very ill with a kind of a surfeit, or crudity of stomach, occasioned, as + the physicians said, by the weakness of the concocting faculty of his + stomach, naturally disposed to digest whole windmills at a gust, yet unable + to consume perfectly the pans and skillets; though it had indeed pretty + well digested the kettles and pots, as they said they knew by the + hypostases and eneoremes of four tubs of second-hand drink which he had + evacuated at two different times that morning. They made use of divers + remedies, according to art, to give him ease; but all would not do; the + distemper prevailed over the remedies; insomuch that the famous + Wide-nostrils died that morning of so strange a death that I think you ought + no longer to wonder at that of the poet Aeschylus. It had been foretold him + by the soothsayers that he would die on a certain day by the ruin of + something that should fall on him. The fatal day being come in its turn, he + removed himself out of town, far from all houses, trees, (rocks,) or any + other things that can fall and endanger by their ruin; and strayed in a + large field, trusting himself to the open sky; there very secure, as he + thought, unless indeed the sky should happen to fall, which he held to be + impossible. Yet they say that the larks are much afraid of it; for if it + should fall, they must all be taken. +</p> +<p> + The Celts that once lived near the Rhine—they are our noble valiant + French—in ancient times were also afraid of the sky's falling; for being + asked by Alexander the Great what they feared most in this world, hoping + well they would say that they feared none but him, considering his great + achievements, they made answer that they feared nothing but the sky's + falling; however, not refusing to enter into a confederacy with so brave a + king, if you believe Strabo, lib. 7, and Arrian, lib. I. +</p> +<p> + Plutarch also, in his book of the face that appears on the body of the + moon, speaks of one Phenaces, who very much feared the moon should fall on + the earth, and pitied those that live under that planet, as the Aethiopians + and Taprobanians, if so heavy a mass ever happened to fall on them, and + would have feared the like of heaven and earth had they not been duly + propped up and borne by the Atlantic pillars, as the ancients believed, + according to Aristotle's testimony, lib. 5, Metaphys. Notwithstanding all + this, poor Aeschylus was killed by the fall of the shell of a tortoise, + which falling from betwixt the claws of an eagle high in the air, just on + his head, dashed out his brains. +</p> +<p> + Neither ought you to wonder at the death of another poet, I mean old jolly + Anacreon, who was choked with a grape-stone. Nor at that of Fabius the + Roman praetor, who was choked with a single goat's hair as he was supping + up a porringer of milk. Nor at the death of that bashful fool, who by + holding in his wind, and for want of letting out a bum-gunshot, died + suddenly in the presence of the Emperor Claudius. Nor at that of the + Italian buried on the Via Flaminia at Rome, who in his epitaph complains + that the bite of a she-puss on his little finger was the cause of his + death. Nor of that of Q. Lecanius Bassus, who died suddenly of so small a + prick with a needle on his left thumb that it could hardly be discerned. + Nor of Quenelault, a Norman physician, who died suddenly at Montpellier, + merely for having sideways took a worm out of his hand with a penknife. + Nor of Philomenes, whose servant having got him some new figs for the first + course of his dinner, whilst he went to fetch wine, a straggling well-hung + ass got into the house, and seeing the figs on the table, without further + invitation soberly fell to. Philomenes coming into the room and nicely + observing with what gravity the ass ate its dinner, said to the man, who + was come back, Since thou hast set figs here for this reverend guest of + ours to eat, methinks it is but reason thou also give him some of this wine + to drink. He had no sooner said this, but he was so excessively pleased, + and fell into so exorbitant a fit of laughter, that the use of his spleen + took that of his breath utterly away, and he immediately died. Nor of + Spurius Saufeius, who died supping up a soft-boiled egg as he came out of a + bath. Nor of him who, as Boccaccio tells us, died suddenly by picking his + grinders with a sage-stalk. Nor of Phillipot Placut, who being brisk and + hale, fell dead as he was paying an old debt; which causes, perhaps, many + not to pay theirs, for fear of the like accident. Nor of the painter + Zeuxis, who killed himself with laughing at the sight of the antique + jobbernowl of an old hag drawn by him. Nor, in short, of a thousand more + of which authors write, as Varrius, Pliny, Valerius, J. Baptista Fulgosus, + and Bacabery the elder. In short, Gaffer Wide-nostrils choked himself with + eating a huge lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot oven by the advice + of physicians. +</p> +<p> + They likewise told us there that the King of Cullan in Bohu had routed the + grandees of King Mecloth, and made sad work with the fortresses of Belima. +</p> +<p> + After this, we sailed by the islands of Nargues and Zargues; also by the + islands of Teleniabin and Geleniabin, very fine and fruitful in ingredients + for clysters; and then by the islands of Enig and Evig, on whose account + formerly the Landgrave of Hesse was swinged off with a vengeance. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0018"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XVIII.—How Pantagruel met with a great storm at sea. +</h2> +<p> + The next day we espied nine sail that came spooning before the wind; they + were full of Dominicans, Jesuits, Capuchins, Hermits, Austins, Bernardins, + Egnatins, Celestins, Theatins, Amadeans, Cordeliers, Carmelites, Minims, + and the devil and all of other holy monks and friars, who were going to the + Council of Chesil, to sift and garble some new articles of faith against + the new heretics. Panurge was overjoyed to see them, being most certain of + good luck for that day and a long train of others. So having courteously + saluted the blessed fathers, and recommended the salvation of his precious + soul to their devout prayers and private ejaculations, he caused + seventy-eight dozen of Westphalia hams, units of pots of caviare, tens of + Bolonia sausages, hundreds of botargoes, and thousands of fine angels, for + the souls of the dead, to be thrown on board their ships. Pantagruel seemed + metagrabolized, dozing, out of sorts, and as melancholic as a cat. Friar + John, who soon perceived it, was inquiring of him whence should come this + unusual sadness; when the master, whose watch it was, observing the + fluttering of the ancient above the poop, and seeing that it began to + overcast, judged that we should have wind; therefore he bid the boatswain + call all hands upon deck, officers, sailors, foremast-men, swabbers, and + cabin-boys, and even the passengers; made them first settle their topsails, + take in their spritsail; then he cried, In with your topsails, lower the + foresail, tallow under parrels, braid up close all them sails, strike your + topmasts to the cap, make all sure with your sheeps-feet, lash your guns + fast. All this was nimbly done. Immediately it blowed a storm; the sea + began to roar and swell mountain-high; the rut of the sea was great, the + waves breaking upon our ship's quarter; the north-west wind blustered and + overblowed; boisterous gusts, dreadful clashing, and deadly scuds of wind + whistled through our yards and made our shrouds rattle again. The thunder + grumbled so horridly that you would have thought heaven had been tumbling + about our ears; at the same time it lightened, rained, hailed; the sky lost + its transparent hue, grew dusky, thick, and gloomy, so that we had no other + light than that of the flashes of lightning and rending of the clouds. The + hurricanes, flaws, and sudden whirlwinds began to make a flame about us by + the lightnings, fiery vapours, and other aerial ejaculations. Oh, how our + looks were full of amazement and trouble, while the saucy winds did rudely + lift up above us the mountainous waves of the main! Believe me, it seemed + to us a lively image of the chaos, where fire, air, sea, land, and all the + elements were in a refractory confusion. Poor Panurge having with the full + contents of the inside of his doublet plentifully fed the fish, greedy + enough of such odious fare, sat on the deck all in a heap, with his nose and + arse together, most sadly cast down, moping and half dead; invoked and + called to his assistance all the blessed he- and she-saints he could muster + up; swore and vowed to confess in time and place convenient, and then bawled + out frightfully, Steward, maitre d'hotel, see ho! my friend, my father, my + uncle, prithee let us have a piece of powdered beef or pork; we shall drink + but too much anon, for aught I see. Eat little and drink the more will + hereafter be my motto, I fear. Would to our dear Lord, and to our blessed, + worthy, and sacred Lady, I were now, I say, this very minute of an hour, + well on shore, on terra firma, hale and easy. O twice and thrice happy + those that plant cabbages! O destinies, why did you not spin me for a + cabbage-planter? O how few are there to whom Jupiter hath been so + favourable as to predestinate them to plant cabbages! They have always one + foot on the ground, and the other not far from it. Dispute who will of + felicity and summum bonum, for my part whosoever plants cabbages is now, by + my decree, proclaimed most happy; for as good a reason as the philosopher + Pyrrho, being in the same danger, and seeing a hog near the shore eating + some scattered oats, declared it happy in two respects; first, because it + had plenty of oats, and besides that, was on shore. Ha, for a divine and + princely habitation, commend me to the cows' floor. +</p> +<p> + Murder! This wave will sweep us away, blessed Saviour! O my friends! a + little vinegar. I sweat again with mere agony. Alas! the mizen-sail's + split, the gallery's washed away, the masts are sprung, the + maintop-masthead dives into the sea; the keel is up to the sun; our shrouds + are almost all broke, and blown away. Alas! alas! where is our main course? + Al is verlooren, by Godt! our topmast is run adrift. Alas! who shall have + this wreck? Friend, lend me here behind you one of these whales. Your + lantern is fallen, my lads. Alas! do not let go the main-tack nor the + bowline. I hear the block crack; is it broke? For the Lord's sake, let us + have the hull, and let all the rigging be damned. Be, be, be, bous, bous, + bous. Look to the needle of your compass, I beseech you, good Sir + Astrophil, and tell us, if you can, whence comes this storm. My heart's + sunk down below my midriff. By my troth, I am in a sad fright, bou, bou, + bou, bous, bous, I am lost for ever. I conskite myself for mere madness and + fear. Bou, bou, bou, bou, Otto to to to to ti. Bou, bou, bou, ou, ou, ou, + bou, bou, bous. I sink, I'm drowned, I'm gone, good people, I'm drowned. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0019"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XIX.—What countenances Panurge and Friar John kept during the storm. +</h2> +<p> + Pantagruel, having first implored the help of the great and Almighty + Deliverer, and prayed publicly with fervent devotion, by the pilot's advice + held tightly the mast of the ship. Friar John had stripped himself to his + waistcoat, to help the seamen. Epistemon, Ponocrates, and the rest did as + much. Panurge alone sat on his breech upon deck, weeping and howling. + Friar John espied him going on the quarter-deck, and said to him, Odzoons! + Panurge the calf, Panurge the whiner, Panurge the brayer, would it not + become thee much better to lend us here a helping hand than to lie lowing + like a cow, as thou dost, sitting on thy stones like a bald-breeched + baboon? Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, returned Panurge; Friar John, my + friend, my good father, I am drowning, my dear friend! I drown! I am a + dead man, my dear father in God; I am a dead man, my friend; your cutting + hanger cannot save me from this; alas! alas! we are above ela. Above the + pitch, out of tune, and off the hinges. Be, be, be, bou, bous. Alas! we + are now above g sol re ut. I sink, I sink, ha, my father, my uncle, my + all. The water is got into my shoes by the collar; bous, bous, bous, + paish, hu, hu, hu, he, he, he, ha, ha, I drown. Alas! alas! Hu, hu, hu, + hu, hu, hu, hu, be, be, bous, bous, bobous, bobous, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, + alas! alas! Now I am like your tumblers, my feet stand higher than my + head. Would to heaven I were now with those good holy fathers bound for + the council whom we met this morning, so godly, so fat, so merry, so plump + and comely. Holos, bolos, holas, holas, alas! This devilish wave (mea + culpa Deus), I mean this wave of God, will sink our vessel. Alas! Friar + John, my father, my friend, confession. Here I am down on my knees; + confiteor; your holy blessing. Come hither and be damned, thou pitiful + devil, and help us, said Friar John (who fell a-swearing and cursing like a + tinker), in the name of thirty legions of black devils, come; will you + come? Do not let us swear at this time, said Panurge; holy father, my + friend, do not swear, I beseech you; to-morrow as much as you please. + Holos, holos, alas! our ship leaks. I drown, alas, alas! I will give + eighteen hundred thousand crowns to anyone that will set me on shore, all + berayed and bedaubed as I am now. If ever there was a man in my country in + the like pickle. Confiteor, alas! a word or two of testament or codicil at + least. A thousand devils seize the cuckoldy cow-hearted mongrel, cried + Friar John. Ods-belly, art thou talking here of making thy will now we are + in danger, and it behoveth us to bestir our stumps lustily, or never? Wilt + thou come, ho devil? Midshipman, my friend; O the rare lieutenant; here + Gymnast, here on the poop. We are, by the mass, all beshit now; our light + is out. This is hastening to the devil as fast as it can. Alas, bou, bou, + bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas, alas! said Panurge; was it here we were + born to perish? Oh! ho! good people, I drown, I die. Consummatum est. I + am sped—Magna, gna, gna, said Friar John. Fie upon him, how ugly the + shitten howler looks. Boy, younker, see hoyh. Mind the pumps or the devil + choke thee. Hast thou hurt thyself? Zoons, here fasten it to one of these + blocks. On this side, in the devil's name, hay—so, my boy. Ah, Friar + John, said Panurge, good ghostly father, dear friend, don't let us swear, + you sin. Oh, ho, oh, ho, be be be bous, bous, bhous, I sink, I die, my + friends. I die in charity with all the world. Farewell, in manus. Bohus + bohous, bhousowauswaus. St. Michael of Aure! St. Nicholas! now, now or + never, I here make you a solemn vow, and to our Saviour, that if you stand + by me this time, I mean if you set me ashore out of this danger, I will + build you a fine large little chapel or two, between Quande and Montsoreau, + where neither cow nor calf shall feed. Oh ho, oh ho. Above eighteen + pailfuls or two of it are got down my gullet; bous, bhous, bhous, bhous, + how damned bitter and salt it is! By the virtue, said Friar John, of the + blood, the flesh, the belly, the head, if I hear thee again howling, thou + cuckoldy cur, I'll maul thee worse than any sea-wolf. Ods-fish, why don't + we take him up by the lugs and throw him overboard to the bottom of the + sea? Hear, sailor; ho, honest fellow. Thus, thus, my friend, hold fast + above. In truth, here is a sad lightning and thundering; I think that all + the devils are got loose; it is holiday with them; or else Madame + Proserpine is in child's labour: all the devils dance a morrice. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0020"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XX.—How the pilots were forsaking their ships in the greatest stress of weather. +</h2> + +<p> + Oh, said Panurge, you sin, Friar John, my former crony! former, I say, for + at this time I am no more, you are no more. It goes against my heart to + tell it you; for I believe this swearing doth your spleen a great deal of + good; as it is a great ease to a wood-cleaver to cry hem at every blow, and + as one who plays at ninepins is wonderfully helped if, when he hath not + thrown his bowl right, and is like to make a bad cast, some ingenious + stander-by leans and screws his body halfway about on that side which the + bowl should have took to hit the pins. Nevertheless, you offend, my sweet + friend. But what do you think of eating some kind of cabirotadoes? + Wouldn't this secure us from this storm? I have read that the ministers of + the gods Cabiri, so much celebrated by Orpheus, Apollonius, Pherecydes, + Strabo, Pausanias, and Herodotus were always secure in time of storm. He + dotes, he raves, the poor devil! A thousand, a million, nay, a hundred + million of devils seize the hornified doddipole. Lend's a hand here, hoh, + tiger, wouldst thou? Here, on the starboard side. Ods-me, thou buffalo's + head stuffed with relics, what ape's paternoster art thou muttering and + chattering here between thy teeth? That devil of a sea-calf is the cause + of all this storm, and is the only man who doth not lend a helping hand. + By G—, if I come near thee, I'll fetch thee out by the head and ears with + a vengeance, and chastise thee like any tempestative devil. Here, mate, my + lad, hold fast, till I have made a double knot. O brave boy! Would to + heaven thou wert abbot of Talemouze, and that he that is were guardian of + Croullay. Hold, brother Ponocrates, you will hurt yourself, man. + Epistemon, prithee stand off out of the hatchway. Methinks I saw the + thunder fall there but just now. Con the ship, so ho—Mind your steerage. + Well said, thus, thus, steady, keep her thus, get the longboat clear + —steady. Ods-fish, the beak-head is staved to pieces. Grumble, devils, + fart, belch, shite, a t—d o' the wave. If this be weather, the devil's a + ram. Nay, by G—, a little more would have washed me clear away into the + current. I think all the legions of devils hold here their provincial + chapter, or are polling, canvassing, and wrangling for the election of a + new rector. Starboard; well said. Take heed; have a care of your noddle, + lad, in the devil's name. So ho, starboard, starboard. Be, be, be, bous, + bous, bous, cried Panurge; bous, bous, be, be, be, bous, bous, I am lost. + I see neither heaven nor earth; of the four elements we have here only fire + and water left. Bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, bous. Would it were the + pleasure of the worthy divine bounty that I were at this present hour in + the close at Seuille, or at Innocent's the pastry-cook over against the + painted wine-vault at Chinon, though I were to strip to my doublet, and + bake the petti-pasties myself. +</p> +<p> + Honest man, could not you throw me ashore? you can do a world of good + things, they say. I give you all Salmigondinois, and my large shore full + of whelks, cockles, and periwinkles, if, by your industry, I ever set foot + on firm ground. Alas, alas! I drown. Harkee, my friends, since we cannot + get safe into port, let us come to an anchor in some road, no matter + whither. Drop all your anchors; let us be out of danger, I beseech you. + Here, honest tar, get you into the chains, and heave the lead, an't please + you. Let us know how many fathom water we are in. Sound, friend, in the + Lord Harry's name. Let us know whether a man might here drink easily + without stooping. I am apt to believe one might. Helm a-lee, hoh, cried + the pilot. Helm a-lee; a hand or two at the helm; about ships with her; + helm a-lee, helm a-lee. Stand off from the leech of the sail. Hoh! belay, + here make fast below; hoh, helm a-lee, lash sure the helm a-lee, and let + her drive. Is it come to that? said Pantagruel; our good Saviour then help + us. Let her lie under the sea, cried James Brahier, our chief mate; let + her drive. To prayers, to prayers; let all think on their souls, and fall + to prayers; nor hope to escape but by a miracle. Let us, said Panurge, + make some good pious kind of vow; alas, alas, alas! bou, bou, be, be, be, + bous, bous, bous, oho, oho, oho, oho, let us make a pilgrim; come, come, + let every man club his penny towards it, come on. Here, here, on this + side, said Friar John, in the devil's name. Let her drive, for the Lord's + sake unhang the rudder; hoh, let her drive, let her drive, and let us + drink, I say, of the best and most cheering; d'ye hear, steward? produce, + exhibit; for, d'ye see this, and all the rest will as well go to the devil + out of hand. A pox on that wind-broker Aeolus, with his fluster-blusters. + Sirrah, page, bring me here my drawer (for so he called his breviary); stay + a little here; haul, friend, thus. Odzoons, here is a deal of hail and + thunder to no purpose. Hold fast above, I pray you. When have we + All-saints day? I believe it is the unholy holiday of all the devil's crew. + Alas! said Panurge, Friar John damns himself here as black as buttermilk + for the nonce. Oh, what a good friend I lose in him. Alas, alas! this is + another gats-bout than last year's. We are falling out of Scylla into + Charybdis. Oho! I drown. Confiteor; one poor word or two by way of + testament, Friar John, my ghostly father; good Mr. Abstractor, my crony, + my Achates, Xenomanes, my all. Alas! I drown; two words of testament here + upon this ladder. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0021"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXI.—A continuation of the storm, with a short discourse on the subject of making testaments at sea. +</h2> +<p> + To make one's last will, said Epistemon, at this time that we ought to + bestir ourselves and help our seamen, on the penalty of being drowned, + seems to me as idle and ridiculous a maggot as that of some of Caesar's + men, who, at their coming into the Gauls, were mightily busied in making + wills and codicils; bemoaned their fortune and the absence of their spouses + and friends at Rome, when it was absolutely necessary for them to run to + their arms and use their utmost strength against Ariovistus their enemy. +</p> +<p> + This also is to be as silly as that jolt-headed loblolly of a carter, who, + having laid his waggon fast in a slough, down on his marrow-bones was + calling on the strong-backed deity, Hercules, might and main, to help him + at a dead lift, but all the while forgot to goad on his oxen and lay his + shoulder to the wheels, as it behoved him; as if a Lord have mercy upon us + alone would have got his cart out of the mire. +</p> +<p> + What will it signify to make your will now? for either we shall come off or + drown for it. If we 'scape, it will not signify a straw to us; for + testaments are of no value or authority but by the death of the testators. + If we are drowned, will it not be drowned too? Prithee, who will transmit + it to the executors? Some kind wave will throw it ashore, like Ulysses, + replied Panurge; and some king's daughter, going to fetch a walk in the + fresco, on the evening will find it, and take care to have it proved and + fulfilled; nay, and have some stately cenotaph erected to my memory, as + Dido had to that of her goodman Sichaeus; Aeneas to Deiphobus, upon the + Trojan shore, near Rhoete; Andromache to Hector, in the city of Buthrot; + Aristotle to Hermias and Eubulus; the Athenians to the poet Euripides; the + Romans to Drusus in Germany, and to Alexander Severus, their emperor, in + the Gauls; Argentier to Callaischre; Xenocrates to Lysidices; Timares to + his son Teleutagoras; Eupolis and Aristodice to their son Theotimus; + Onestus to Timocles; Callimachus to Sopolis, the son of Dioclides; Catullus + to his brother; Statius to his father; Germain of Brie to Herve, the Breton + tarpaulin. Art thou mad, said Friar John, to run on at this rate? Help, + here, in the name of five hundred thousand millions of cartloads of devils, + help! may a shanker gnaw thy moustachios, and the three rows of pock-royals + and cauliflowers cover thy bum and turd-barrel instead of breeches and + codpiece. Codsooks, our ship is almost overset. Ods-death, how shall we + clear her? it is well if she do not founder. What a devilish sea there + runs! She'll neither try nor hull; the sea will overtake her, so we shall + never 'scape; the devil 'scape me. Then Pantagruel was heard to make a sad + exclamation, saying, with a loud voice, Lord save us, we perish; yet not as + we would have it, but thy holy will be done. The Lord and the blessed + Virgin be with us, said Panurge. Holos, alas, I drown; be be be bous, be + bous, bous; in manus. Good heavens, send me some dolphin to carry me safe + on shore, like a pretty little Arion. I shall make shift to sound the + harp, if it be not unstrung. Let nineteen legions of black devils seize + me, said Friar John. (The Lord be with us! whispered Panurge, between his + chattering teeth.) If I come down to thee, I'll show thee to some purpose + that the badge of thy humanity dangles at a calf's breech, thou ragged, + horned, cuckoldy booby—mgna, mgnan, mgnan—come hither and help us, thou + great weeping calf, or may thirty millions of devils leap on thee. Wilt + thou come, sea-calf? Fie; how ugly the howling whelp looks. What, always + the same ditty? Come on now, my bonny drawer. This he said, opening his + breviary. Come forward, thou and I must be somewhat serious for a while; + let me peruse thee stiffly. Beatus vir qui non abiit. Pshaw, I know all + this by heart; let us see the legend of Mons. St. Nicholas. +</p> +<pre> + Horrida tempestas montem turbavit acutum. +</pre> +<p> + Tempest was a mighty flogger of lads at Mountagu College. If pedants be + damned for whipping poor little innocent wretches their scholars, he is, + upon my honour, by this time fixed within Ixion's wheel, lashing the + crop-eared, bobtailed cur that gives it motion. If they are saved for + having whipped innocent lads, he ought to be above the— +</p> +<a name="2HCH0022"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXII.—An end of the storm. +</h2> +<p> + Shore, shore! cried Pantagruel. Land to, my friends, I see land! Pluck up + a good spirit, boys, 'tis within a kenning. So! we are not far from a + port.—I see the sky clearing up to the northwards.—Look to the + south-east! Courage, my hearts, said the pilot; now she'll bear the hullock + of a sail; the sea is much smoother; some hands aloft to the maintop. Put + the helm a-weather. Steady! steady! Haul your after-mizen bowlines. Haul, + haul, haul! Thus, thus, and no near. Mind your steerage; bring your + main-tack aboard. Clear your sheets; clear your bowlines; port, port. Helm + a-lee. Now to the sheet on the starboard side, thou son of a whore. Thou + art mightily pleased, honest fellow, quoth Friar John, with hearing make + mention of thy mother. Luff, luff, cried the quartermaster that conned the + ship, keep her full, luff the helm. Luff. It is, answered the steersman. + Keep her thus. Get the bonnets fixed. Steady, steady. +</p> +<p> + That is well said, said Friar John now, this is something like a tansy. + Come, come, come, children, be nimble. Good. Luff, luff, thus. Helm + a-weather. That's well said and thought on. Methinks the storm is almost + over. It was high time, faith; however, the Lord be thanked. Our devils + begin to scamper. Out with all your sails. Hoist your sails. Hoist. + That is spoke like a man, hoist, hoist. Here, a God's name, honest + Ponocrates; thou art a lusty fornicator; the whoreson will get none but + boys. Eusthenes, thou art a notable fellow. Run up to the fore-topsail. + Thus, thus. Well said, i' faith; thus, thus. I dare not fear anything all + this while, for it is holiday. Vea, vea, vea! huzza! This shout of the + seaman is not amiss, and pleases me, for it is holiday. Keep her full + thus. Good. Cheer up, my merry mates all, cried out Epistemon; I see + already Castor on the right. Be, be, bous, bous, bous, said Panurge; I am + much afraid it is the bitch Helen. It is truly Mixarchagenas, returned + Epistemon, if thou likest better that denomination, which the Argives give + him. Ho, ho! I see land too; let her bear in with the harbour; I see a + good many people on the beach; I see a light on an obeliscolychny. Shorten + your sails, said the pilot; fetch the sounding line; we must double that + point of land, and mind the sands. We are clear of them, said the sailors. + Soon after, Away she goes, quoth the pilot, and so doth the rest of our + fleet; help came in good season. +</p> +<p> + By St. John, said Panurge, this is spoke somewhat like. O the sweet word! + there is the soul of music in it. Mgna, mgna, mgna, said Friar John; if + ever thou taste a drop of it, let the devil's dam taste me, thou ballocky + devil. Here, honest soul, here's a full sneaker of the very best. Bring + the flagons; dost hear, Gymnast: and that same large pasty jambic, + gammonic, as you will have it. Take heed you pilot her in right. +</p> +<p> + Cheer up, cried out Pantagruel; cheer up, my boys; let us be ourselves + again. Do you see yonder, close by our ship, two barks, three sloops, five + ships, eight pinks, four yawls, and six frigates making towards us, sent by + the good people of the neighbouring island to our relief? But who is this + Ucalegon below, that cries and makes such a sad moan? Were it not that I + hold the mast firmly with both my hands, and keep it straighter than two + hundred tacklings—I would—It is, said Friar John, that poor devil + Panurge, who is troubled with a calf's ague; he quakes for fear when his + belly's full. If, said Pantagruel, he hath been afraid during this + dreadful hurricane and dangerous storm, provided (waiving that) he hath + done his part like a man, I do not value him a jot the less for it. For as + to fear in all encounters is the mark of a heavy and cowardly heart, as + Agamemnon did, who for that reason is ignominiously taxed by Achilles with + having dog's eyes and a stag's heart; so, not to fear when the case is + evidently dreadful is a sign of want or smallness of judgment. Now, if + anything ought to be feared in this life, next to offending God, I will not + say it is death. I will not meddle with the disputes of Socrates and the + academics, that death of itself is neither bad nor to be feared, but I will + affirm that this kind of shipwreck is to be feared, or nothing is. For, as + Homer saith, it is a grievous, dreadful, and unnatural thing to perish at + sea. And indeed Aeneas, in the storm that took his fleet near Sicily, was + grieved that he had not died by the hand of the brave Diomedes, and said + that those were three, nay four times happy, who perished in the + conflagration at Troy. No man here hath lost his life, the Lord our + Saviour be eternally praised for it! but in truth here is a ship sadly out + of order. Well, we must take care to have the damage repaired. Take heed + we do not run aground and bulge her. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0023"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXIII.—How Panurge played the good fellow when the storm was over. +</h2> +<a name="image-0011"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-23-452.jpg" height="874" width="568" +alt="Friar John--4-23-452 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + What cheer, ho, fore and aft? quoth Panurge. Oh ho! all is well, the storm + is over. I beseech ye, be so kind as to let me be the first that is sent + on shore; for I would by all means a little untruss a point. Shall I help + you still? Here, let me see, I will coil this rope; I have plenty of + courage, and of fear as little as may be. Give it me yonder, honest tar. + No, no, I have not a bit of fear. Indeed, that same decumane wave that + took us fore and aft somewhat altered my pulse. Down with your sails; well + said. How now, Friar John? you do nothing. Is it time for us to drink + now? Who can tell but St. Martin's running footman Belzebuth may still be + hatching us some further mischief? Shall I come and help you again? Pork + and peas choke me, if I do heartily repent, though too late, not having + followed the doctrine of the good philosopher who tells us that to walk by + the sea and to navigate by the shore are very safe and pleasant things; + just as 'tis to go on foot when we hold our horse by the bridle. Ha! ha! + ha! by G—, all goes well. Shall I help you here too? Let me see, I will + do this as it should be, or the devil's in't. +</p> +<p> + Epistemon, who had the inside of one of his hands all flayed and bloody, + having held a tackling with might and main, hearing what Pantagruel had + said, told him: You may believe, my lord, I had my share of fear as well + as Panurge; yet I spared no pains in lending my helping hand. I considered + that, since by fatal and unavoidable necessity we must all die, it is the + blessed will of God that we die this or that hour, and this or that kind of + death. Nevertheless, we ought to implore, invoke, pray, beseech, and + supplicate him; but we must not stop there; it behoveth us also to use our + endeavours on our side, and, as the holy writ saith, to co-operate with + him. +</p> +<p> + You know what C. Flaminius, the consul, said when by Hannibal's policy he + was penned up near the lake of Peruse, alias Thrasymene. Friends, said he + to his soldiers, you must not hope to get out of this place barely by vows + or prayers to the gods; no, 'tis by fortitude and strength we must escape + and cut ourselves a way with the edge of our swords through the midst of + our enemies. +</p> +<p> + Sallust likewise makes M. Portius Cato say this: The help of the gods is + not obtained by idle vows and womanish complaints; 'tis by vigilance, + labour, and repeated endeavours that all things succeed according to our + wishes and designs. If a man in time of need and danger is negligent, + heartless, and lazy, in vain he implores the gods; they are then justly + angry and incensed against him. The devil take me, said Friar John,—I'll + go his halves, quoth Panurge,—if the close of Seville had not been all + gathered, vintaged, gleaned, and destroyed, if I had only sung contra + hostium insidias (matter of breviary) like all the rest of the monking + devils, and had not bestirred myself to save the vineyard as I did, + despatching the truant picaroons of Lerne with the staff of the cross. +</p> +<p> + Let her sink or swim a God's name, said Panurge, all's one to Friar John; + he doth nothing; his name is Friar John Do-little; for all he sees me here + a-sweating and puffing to help with all my might this honest tar, first of + the name.—Hark you me, dear soul, a word with you; but pray be not angry. + How thick do you judge the planks of our ship to be? Some two good inches + and upwards, returned the pilot; don't fear. Ods-kilderkins, said Panurge, + it seems then we are within two fingers' breadth of damnation. +</p> +<p> + Is this one of the nine comforts of matrimony? Ah, dear soul, you do well + to measure the danger by the yard of fear. For my part, I have none on't; + my name is William Dreadnought. As for heart, I have more than enough + on't. I mean none of your sheep's heart; but of wolf's heart—the courage + of a bravo. By the pavilion of Mars, I fear nothing but danger. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0024"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXIV.—How Panurge was said to have been afraid without reason during the storm. +</h2> +<p> + Good morrow, gentlemen, said Panurge; good morrow to you all; you are in + very good health, thanks to heaven and yourselves; you are all heartily + welcome, and in good time. Let us go on shore.—Here, coxswain, get the + ladder over the gunnel; man the sides; man the pinnace, and get her by the + ship's side. Shall I lend you a hand here? I am stark mad for want of + business, and would work like any two yokes of oxen. Truly this is a fine + place, and these look like a very good people. Children, do you want me + still in anything? do not spare the sweat of my body, for God's sake. + Adam—that is, man—was made to labour and work, as the birds were made to + fly. Our Lord's will is that we get our bread with the sweat of our brows, + not idling and doing nothing, like this tatterdemalion of a monk here, this + Friar Jack, who is fain to drink to hearten himself up, and dies for fear. + —Rare weather.—I now find the answer of Anacharsis, the noble philosopher, + very proper. Being asked what ship he reckoned the safest, he replied: + That which is in the harbour. He made a yet better repartee, said + Pantagruel, when somebody inquiring which is greater, the number of the + living or that of the dead, he asked them amongst which of the two they + reckoned those that are at sea, ingeniously implying that they are + continually in danger of death, dying alive, and living die. Portius Cato + also said that there were but three things of which he would repent: if + ever he had trusted his wife with his secret, if he had idled away a day, + and if he had ever gone by sea to a place which he could visit by land. By + this dignified frock of mine, said Friar John to Panurge, friend, thou hast + been afraid during the storm without cause or reason; for thou wert not + born to be drowned, but rather to be hanged and exalted in the air, or to + be roasted in the midst of a jolly bonfire. My lord, would you have a good + cloak for the rain; leave me off your wolf and badger-skin mantle; let + Panurge but be flayed, and cover yourself with his hide. But do not come + near the fire, nor near your blacksmith's forges, a God's name; for in a + moment you will see it in ashes. Yet be as long as you please in the rain, + snow, hail, nay, by the devil's maker, throw yourself or dive down to the + very bottom of the water, I'll engage you'll not be wet at all. Have some + winter boots made of it, they'll never take in a drop of water; make + bladders of it to lay under boys to teach them to swim, instead of corks, + and they will learn without the least danger. His skin, then, said + Pantagruel, should be like the herb called true maiden's hair, which never + takes wet nor moistness, but still keeps dry, though you lay it at the + bottom of the water as long as you please; and for that reason is called + Adiantos. +</p> +<p> + Friend Panurge, said Friar John, I pray thee never be afraid of water; thy + life for mine thou art threatened with a contrary element. Ay, ay, replied + Panurge, but the devil's cooks dote sometimes, and are apt to make horrid + blunders as well as others; often putting to boil in water what was + designed to be roasted on the fire; like the head-cooks of our kitchen, who + often lard partridges, queests, and stock-doves with intent to roast them, + one would think; but it happens sometimes that they e'en turn the + partridges into the pot to be boiled with cabbages, the queests with leek + pottage, and the stock-doves with turnips. But hark you me, good friends, + I protest before this noble company, that as for the chapel which I vowed + to Mons. St. Nicholas between Quande and Montsoreau, I honestly mean that + it shall be a chapel of rose-water, which shall be where neither cow nor + calf shall be fed; for between you and I, I intend to throw it to the + bottom of the water. Here is a rare rogue for you, said Eusthenes; here is + a pure rogue, a rogue in grain, a rogue enough, a rogue and a half. He is + resolved to make good the Lombardic proverb, Passato el pericolo, gabbato + el santo. +</p> +<pre> + The devil was sick, the devil a monk would be; + The devil was well, the devil a monk was he. +</pre> +<a name="2HCH0025"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXV.—How, after the storm, Pantagruel went on shore in the islands of the Macreons. +</h2> + +<p> + Immediately after we went ashore at the port of an island which they called + the island of the Macreons. The good people of the place received us very + honourably. An old Macrobius (so they called their eldest elderman) + desired Pantagruel to come to the town-house to refresh himself and eat + something, but he would not budge a foot from the mole till all his men + were landed. After he had seen them, he gave order that they should all + change clothes, and that some of all the stores in the fleet should be + brought on shore, that every ship's crew might live well; which was + accordingly done, and God wot how well they all toped and caroused. The + people of the place brought them provisions in abundance. The + Pantagruelists returned them more; as the truth is, theirs were somewhat + damaged by the late storm. When they had well stuffed the insides of their + doublets, Pantagruel desired everyone to lend their help to repair the + damage; which they readily did. It was easy enough to refit there; for all + the inhabitants of the island were carpenters and all such handicrafts as + are seen in the arsenal at Venice. None but the largest island was + inhabited, having three ports and ten parishes; the rest being overrun with + wood and desert, much like the forest of Arden. We entreated the old + Macrobius to show us what was worth seeing in the island; which he did; and + in the desert and dark forest we discovered several old ruined temples, + obelisks, pyramids, monuments, and ancient tombs, with divers inscriptions + and epitaphs; some of them in hieroglyphic characters; others in the Ionic + dialect; some in the Arabic, Agarenian, Slavonian, and other tongues; of + which Epistemon took an exact account. In the interim, Panurge said to + Friar John, Is this the island of the Macreons? Macreon signifies in Greek + an old man, or one much stricken in years. What is that to me? said Friar + John; how can I help it? I was not in the country when they christened it. + Now I think on't, quoth Panurge, I believe the name of mackerel (Motteux + adds, between brackets,—'that's a Bawd in French.') was derived from it; + for procuring is the province of the old, as buttock-riggling is that of + the young. Therefore I do not know but this may be the bawdy or Mackerel + Island, the original and prototype of the island of that name at Paris. + Let's go and dredge for cock-oysters. Old Macrobius asked, in the Ionic + tongue, How, and by what industry and labour, Pantagruel got to their port + that day, there having been such blustering weather and such a dreadful + storm at sea. Pantagruel told him that the Almighty Preserver of mankind + had regarded the simplicity and sincere affection of his servants, who did + not travel for gain or sordid profit, the sole design of their voyage being + a studious desire to know, see, and visit the Oracle of Bacbuc, and take + the word of the Bottle upon some difficulties offered by one of the + company; nevertheless this had not been without great affliction and + evident danger of shipwreck. After that, he asked him what he judged to be + the cause of that terrible tempest, and if the adjacent seas were thus + frequently subject to storms; as in the ocean are the Ratz of Sammaieu, + Maumusson, and in the Mediterranean sea the Gulf of Sataly, Montargentan, + Piombino, Capo Melio in Laconia, the Straits of Gibraltar, Faro di Messina, + and others. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0026"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXVI.—How the good Macrobius gave us an account of the mansion and decease of the heroes. +</h2> +<p> + The good Macrobius then answered, Friendly strangers, this island is one of + the Sporades; not of your Sporades that lie in the Carpathian sea, but one + of the Sporades of the ocean; in former times rich, frequented, wealthy, + populous, full of traffic, and in the dominions of the rulers of Britain, + but now, by course of time, and in these latter ages of the world, poor and + desolate, as you see. In this dark forest, above seventy-eight thousand + Persian leagues in compass, is the dwelling-place of the demons and heroes + that are grown old, and we believe that some one of them died yesterday; + since the comet which we saw for three days before together, shines no + more; and now it is likely that at his death there arose this horrible + storm; for while they are alive all happiness attends both this and the + adjacent islands, and a settled calm and serenity. At the death of every + one of them, we commonly hear in the forest loud and mournful groans, and + the whole land is infested with pestilence, earthquakes, inundations, and + other calamities; the air with fogs and obscurity, and the sea with storms + and hurricanes. What you tell us seems to me likely enough, said + Pantagruel. For as a torch or candle, as long as it hath life enough and + is lighted, shines round about, disperses its light, delights those that + are near it, yields them its service and clearness, and never causes any + pain or displeasure; but as soon as 'tis extinguished, its smoke and + evaporation infects the air, offends the bystanders, and is noisome to all; + so, as long as those noble and renowned souls inhabit their bodies, peace, + profit, pleasure, and honour never leave the places where they abide; but + as soon as they leave them, both the continent and adjacent islands are + annoyed with great commotions; in the air fogs, darkness, thunder, hail; + tremblings, pulsations, agitations of the earth; storms and hurricanes at + sea; together with sad complaints amongst the people, broaching of + religions, changes in governments, and ruins of commonwealths. +</p> +<p> + We had a sad instance of this lately, said Epistemon, at the death of that + valiant and learned knight, William du Bellay; during whose life France + enjoyed so much happiness, that all the rest of the world looked upon it + with envy, sought friendship with it, and stood in awe of its power; but + soon after his decease it hath for a considerable time been the scorn of + the rest of the world. +</p> +<p> + Thus, said Pantagruel, Anchises being dead at Drepani in Sicily, Aeneas was + dreadfully tossed and endangered by a storm; and perhaps for the same + reason Herod, that tyrant and cruel King of Judaea, finding himself near + the pangs of a horrid kind of death—for he died of a phthiriasis, devoured + by vermin and lice; as before him died L. Sylla, Pherecydes the Syrian, the + preceptor of Pythagoras, the Greek poet Alcmaeon, and others—and + foreseeing that the Jews would make bonfires at his death, caused all the + nobles and magistrates to be summoned to his seraglio out of all the + cities, towns, and castles of Judaea, fraudulently pretending that he had + some things of moment to impart to them. They made their personal + appearance; whereupon he caused them all to be shut up in the hippodrome of + the seraglio; then said to his sister Salome and Alexander her husband: I + am certain that the Jews will rejoice at my death; but if you will observe + and perform what I tell you, my funeral shall be honourable, and there will + be a general mourning. As soon as you see me dead, let my guards, to whom + I have already given strict commission to that purpose, kill all the + noblemen and magistrates that are secured in the hippodrome. By these + means all Jewry shall, in spite of themselves, be obliged to mourn and + lament, and foreigners will imagine it to be for my death, as if some + heroic soul had left her body. A desperate tyrant wished as much when he + said, When I die, let earth and fire be mixed together; which was as good + as to say, let the whole world perish. Which saying the tyrant Nero + altered, saying, While I live, as Suetonius affirms it. This detestable + saying, of which Cicero, lib. De Finib., and Seneca, lib. 2, De Clementia, + make mention, is ascribed to the Emperor Tiberius by Dion Nicaeus and + Suidas. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0027"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXVII.—Pantagruel's discourse of the decease of heroic souls; and of the dreadful prodigies that happened before the death of the late Lord de Langey. +</h2> +<p> + I would not, continued Pantagruel, have missed the storm that hath thus + disordered us, were I also to have missed the relation of these things told + us by this good Macrobius. Neither am I unwilling to believe what he said + of a comet that appears in the sky some days before such a decease. For + some of those souls are so noble, so precious, and so heroic that heaven + gives us notice of their departing some days before it happens. And as a + prudent physician, seeing by some symptoms that his patient draws towards + his end, some days before gives notice of it to his wife, children, + kindred, and friends, that, in that little time he hath yet to live, they + may admonish him to settle all things in his family, to tutor and instruct + his children as much as he can, recommend his relict to his friends in her + widowhood, and declare what he knows to be necessary about a provision for + the orphans; that he may not be surprised by death without making his will, + and may take care of his soul and family; in the same manner the heavens, + as it were joyful for the approaching reception of those blessed souls, + seem to make bonfires by those comets and blazing meteors, which they at + the same time kindly design should prognosticate to us here that in a few + days one of those venerable souls is to leave her body and this terrestrial + globe. Not altogether unlike this was what was formerly done at Athens by + the judges of the Areopagus. For when they gave their verdict to cast or + clear the culprits that were tried before them, they used certain notes + according to the substance of the sentences; by Theta signifying + condemnation to death; by T, absolution; by A, ampliation or a demur, when + the case was not sufficiently examined. Thus having publicly set up those + letters, they eased the relations and friends of the prisoners, and such + others as desired to know their doom, of their doubts. Likewise by these + comets, as in ethereal characters, the heavens silently say to us, Make + haste, mortals, if you would know or learn of the blessed souls anything + concerning the public good or your private interest; for their catastrophe + is near, which being past, you will vainly wish for them afterwards. +</p> +<p> + The good-natured heavens still do more; and that mankind may be declared + unworthy of the enjoyment of those renowned souls, they fright and astonish + us with prodigies, monsters, and other foreboding signs that thwart the + order of nature. +</p> +<p> + Of this we had an instance several days before the decease of the heroic + soul of the learned and valiant Chevalier de Langey, of whom you have + already spoken. I remember it, said Epistemon; and my heart still trembles + within me when I think on the many dreadful prodigies that we saw five or + six days before he died. For the Lords D'Assier, Chemant, one-eyed Mailly, + St. Ayl, Villeneufue-la-Guyart, Master Gabriel, physician of Savillan, + Rabelais, Cohuau, Massuau, Majorici, Bullou, Cercu, alias Bourgmaistre, + Francis Proust, Ferron, Charles Girard, Francis Bourre, and many other + friends and servants to the deceased, all dismayed, gazed on each other + without uttering one word; yet not without foreseeing that France would in + a short time be deprived of a knight so accomplished and necessary for its + glory and protection, and that heaven claimed him again as its due. By the + tufted tip of my cowl, cried Friar John, I am e'en resolved to become a + scholar before I die. I have a pretty good headpiece of my own, you must + own. Now pray give me leave to ask you a civil question. Can these same + heroes or demigods you talk of die? May I never be damned if I was not so + much a lobcock as to believe they had been immortal, like so many fine + angels. Heaven forgive me! but this most reverend father, Macroby, tells + us they die at last. Not all, returned Pantagruel. +</p> +<p> + The Stoics held them all to be mortal, except one, who alone is immortal, + impassible, invisible. Pindar plainly saith that there is no more thread, + that is to say, no more life, spun from the distaff and flax of the + hard-hearted Fates for the goddesses Hamadryades than there is for those + trees that are preserved by them, which are good, sturdy, downright oaks; + whence they derived their original, according to the opinion of Callimachus + and Pausanias in Phoci. With whom concurs Martianus Capella. As for the + demigods, fauns, satyrs, sylvans, hobgoblins, aegipanes, nymphs, heroes, and + demons, several men have, from the total sum, which is the result of the + divers ages calculated by Hesiod, reckoned their life to be 9720 years; that + sum consisting of four special numbers orderly arising from one, the same + added together and multiplied by four every way amounts to forty; these + forties, being reduced into triangles by five times, make up the total of + the aforesaid number. See Plutarch, in his book about the Cessation of + Oracles. +</p> +<p> + This, said Friar John, is not matter of breviary; I may believe as little + or as much of it as you and I please. I believe, said Pantagruel, that all + intellectual souls are exempted from Atropos's scissors. They are all + immortal, whether they be of angels, or demons, or human; yet I will tell + you a story concerning this that is very strange, but is written and + affirmed by several learned historians. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0028"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXVIII.—How Pantagruel related a very sad story of the death of the heroes. +</h2> +<p> + Epitherses, the father of Aemilian the rhetorician, sailing from Greece to + Italy in a ship freighted with divers goods and passengers, at night the + wind failed 'em near the Echinades, some islands that lie between the Morea + and Tunis, and the vessel was driven near Paxos. When they were got + thither, some of the passengers being asleep, others awake, the rest eating + and drinking, a voice was heard that called aloud, Thamous! which cry + surprised them all. This same Thamous was their pilot, an Egyptian by + birth, but known by name only to some few travellers. The voice was heard + a second time calling Thamous, in a frightful tone; and none making answer, + but trembling and remaining silent, the voice was heard a third time, more + dreadful than before. +</p> +<p> + This caused Thamous to answer: Here am I; what dost thou call me for? + What wilt thou have me do? Then the voice, louder than before, bid him + publish when he should come to Palodes, that the great god Pan was dead. +</p> +<p> + Epitherses related that all the mariners and passengers, having heard this, + were extremely amazed and frighted; and that, consulting among themselves + whether they had best conceal or divulge what the voice had enjoined, + Thamous said his advice was that if they happened to have a fair wind they + should proceed without mentioning a word on't, but if they chanced to be + becalmed he would publish what he had heard. Now when they were near + Palodes they had no wind, neither were they in any current. Thamous then + getting up on the top of the ship's forecastle, and casting his eyes on the + shore, said that he had been commanded to proclaim that the great god Pan + was dead. The words were hardly out of his mouth, when deep groans, great + lamentations, and doleful shrieks, not of one person, but of many together, + were heard from the land. +</p> +<p> + The news of this—many being present then—was soon spread at Rome; + insomuch that Tiberius, who was then emperor, sent for this Thamous, and + having heard him gave credit to his words. And inquiring of the learned in + his court and at Rome who was that Pan, he found by their relation that he + was the son of Mercury and Penelope, as Herodotus and Cicero in his third + book of the Nature of the Gods had written before. +</p> +<p> + For my part, I understand it of that great Saviour of the faithful who was + shamefully put to death at Jerusalem by the envy and wickedness of the + doctors, priests, and monks of the Mosaic law. And methinks my + interpretation is not improper; for he may lawfully be said in the Greek + tongue to be Pan, since he is our all. For all that we are, all that we + live, all that we have, all that we hope, is him, by him, from him, and in + him. He is the good Pan, the great shepherd, who, as the loving shepherd + Corydon affirms, hath not only a tender love and affection for his sheep, + but also for their shepherds. At his death, complaints, sighs, fears, and + lamentations were spread through the whole fabric of the universe, whether + heavens, land, sea, or hell. +</p> +<p> + The time also concurs with this interpretation of mine; for this most good, + most mighty Pan, our only Saviour, died near Jerusalem during the reign of + Tiberius Caesar. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel, having ended this discourse, remained silent and full of + contemplation. A little while after we saw the tears flow out of his eyes + as big as ostrich's eggs. God take me presently if I tell you one single + syllable of a lie in the matter. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0029"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXIX.—How Pantagruel sailed by the Sneaking Island, where Shrovetide reigned. +</h2> +<a name="image-0012"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-19-446.jpg" height="597" width="854" +alt="Two Old Women Were Weeping and Wailing--4-19-446 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + The jovial fleet being refitted and repaired, new stores taken in, the + Macreons over and above satisfied and pleased with the money spent there by + Pantagruel, our men in better humour than they used to be, if possible, we + merrily put to sea the next day, near sunset, with a delicious fresh gale. +</p> +<p> + Xenomanes showed us afar off the Sneaking Island, where reigned Shrovetide, + of whom Pantagruel had heard much talk formerly; for that reason he would + gladly have seen him in person, had not Xenomanes advised him to the + contrary; first, because this would have been much out of our way, and then + for the lean cheer which he told us was to be found at that prince's court, + and indeed all over the island. +</p> +<p> + You can see nothing there for your money, said he, but a huge greedy-guts, + a tall woundy swallower of hot wardens and mussels; a long-shanked + mole-catcher; an overgrown bottler of hay; a mossy-chinned demi-giant, with + a double shaven crown, of lantern breed; a very great loitering noddy-peaked + youngster, banner-bearer to the fish-eating tribe, dictator of mustard-land, + flogger of little children, calciner of ashes, father and foster-father to + physicians, swarming with pardons, indulgences, and stations; a very honest + man; a good catholic, and as brimful of devotion as ever he can hold. +</p> +<p> + He weeps the three-fourth parts of the day, and never assists at any + weddings; but, give the devil his due, he is the most industrious + larding-stick and skewer-maker in forty kingdoms. +</p> +<p> + About six years ago, as I passed by Sneaking-land, I brought home a large + skewer from thence, and made a present of it to the butchers of Quande, who + set a great value upon them, and that for a cause. Some time or other, if + ever we live to come back to our own country, I will show you two of them + fastened on the great church porch. His usual food is pickled coats of + mail, salt helmets and head-pieces, and salt sallets; which sometimes makes + him piss pins and needles. As for his clothing, 'tis comical enough o' + conscience, both for make and colour; for he wears grey and cold, nothing + before, and nought behind, with the sleeves of the same. +</p> +<p> + You will do me a kindness, said Pantagruel, if, as you have described his + clothes, food, actions, and pastimes, you will also give me an account of + his shape and disposition in all his parts. Prithee do, dear cod, said + Friar John, for I have found him in my breviary, and then follow the + movable holy days. With all my heart, answered Xenomanes; we may chance to + hear more of him as we touch at the Wild Island, the dominions of the squab + Chitterlings, his enemies, against whom he is eternally at odds; and were + it not for the help of the noble Carnival, their protector and good + neighbour, this meagre-looked lozelly Shrovetide would long before this + have made sad work among them, and rooted them out of their habitation. + Are these same Chitterlings, said Friar John, male or female, angels or + mortals, women or maids? They are, replied Xenomanes, females in sex, + mortal in kind, some of them maids, others not. The devil have me, said + Friar John, if I ben't for them. What a shameful disorder in nature, is it + not, to make war against women? Let's go back and hack the villain to + pieces. What! meddle with Shrovetide? cried Panurge, in the name of + Beelzebub, I am not yet so weary of my life. No, I'm not yet so mad as + that comes to. Quid juris? Suppose we should find ourselves pent up + between the Chitterlings and Shrovetide? between the anvil and the hammers? + Shankers and buboes! stand off! godzooks, let us make the best of our way. + I bid you good night, sweet Mr. Shrovetide; I recommend to you the + Chitterlings, and pray don't forget the puddings. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0030"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXX.—How Shrovetide is anatomized and described by Xenomanes. +</h2> +<p> + As for the inward parts of Shrovetide, said Xenomanes; his brain is (at + least, it was in my time) in bigness, colours, substance, and strength, + much like the left cod of a he hand-worm. +</p> +<pre> +The ventricles of his said brain, The stomach, like a belt. + like an auger. The pylorus, like a pitchfork. +The worm-like excrescence, like The windpipe, like an oyster- + a Christmas-box. knife. +The membranes, like a monk's The throat, like a pincushion + cowl. stuffed with oakum. +The funnel, like a mason's chisel. The lungs, like a prebend's +The fornix, like a casket. fur-gown. +The glandula pinealis, like a bag- The heart, like a cope. + pipe. The mediastine, like an earthen +The rete mirabile, like a gutter. cup. +The dug-like processus, like a The pleura, like a crow's bill. + patch. The arteries, like a watch-coat. +The tympanums, like a whirli- The midriff, like a montero-cap. + gig. The liver, like a double-tongued +The rocky bones, like a goose- mattock. + wing. The veins, like a sash-window. +The nape of the neck, like a paper The spleen, like a catcall. + lantern. The guts, like a trammel. +The nerves, like a pipkin. The gall, like a cooper's adze. +The uvula, like a sackbut. The entrails, like a gauntlet. +The palate, like a mitten. The mesentery, like an abbot's +The spittle, like a shuttle. mitre. +The almonds, like a telescope. The hungry gut, like a button. +The bridge of his nose, like a The blind gut, like a breastplate. + wheelbarrow. The colon, like a bridle. +The head of the larynx, like a The arse-gut, like a monk's + vintage-basket. leathern bottle. +The kidneys, like a trowel. The ligaments, like a tinker's +The loins, like a padlock. budget. +The ureters, like a pothook. The bones, like three-cornered +The emulgent veins, like two cheesecakes. + gilliflowers. The marrow, like a wallet. +The spermatic vessels, like a The cartilages, like a field- + cully-mully-puff. tortoise, alias a mole. +The parastata, like an inkpot. The glandules in the mouth, like +The bladder, like a stone-bow. a pruning-knife. +The neck, like a mill-clapper. The animal spirits, like swingeing +The mirach, or lower parts of the fisticuffs. + belly, like a high-crowned hat. The blood-fermenting, like a +The siphach, or its inner rind, multiplication of flirts on the + like a wooden cuff. nose. +The muscles, like a pair of bellows. The urine, like a figpecker. +The tendons, like a hawking- The sperm, like a hundred + glove. ten-penny nails. +</pre> +<p> + And his nurse told me, that being married to Mid-lent, he only begot a good + number of local adverbs and certain double fasts. +</p> +<pre> +His memory he had like a scarf. His undertakings, like the ballast +His common sense, like a buzzing of a galleon. + of bees. His understanding, like a torn +His imagination, like the chime breviary. + of a set of bells. His notions, like snails crawling +His thoughts, like a flight of star- out of strawberries. + lings. His will, like three filberts in a +His conscience, like the unnest- porringer. + ling of a parcel of young His desire, like six trusses of hay. + herons. His judgment, like a shoeing- +His deliberations, like a set of horn. + organs. His discretion, like the truckle of +His repentance, like the carriage a pulley. + of a double cannon. His reason, like a cricket. +</pre> +<a name="2HCH0031"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXXI.—Shrovetide's outward parts anatomized. +</h2> +<p> + Shrovetide, continued Xenomanes, is somewhat better proportioned in his + outward parts, excepting the seven ribs which he had over and above the + common shape of men. +</p> +<pre> +His toes were like a virginal on The peritoneum, or caul wherein + an organ. his bowels were wrapped, like +His nails, like a gimlet. a billiard-table. +His feet, like a guitar. His back, like an overgrown rack- +His heels, like a club. bent crossbow. +The soles of his feet, like a cru- The vertebrae, or joints of his + cible. backbone, like a bagpipe. +His legs, like a hawk's lure. His ribs, like a spinning-wheel. +His knees, like a joint-stool. His brisket, like a canopy. +His thighs, like a steel cap. His shoulder-blades, like a mortar. +His hips, like a wimble. His breast, like a game at nine- +His belly as big as a tun, buttoned pins. + after the old fashion, with a His paps, like a hornpipe. + girdle riding over the middle His armpits, like a chequer. + of his bosom. His shoulders, like a hand-barrow. +His navel, like a cymbal. His arms, like a riding-hood. +His groin, like a minced pie. His fingers, like a brotherhood's +His member, like a slipper. andirons. +His purse, like an oil cruet. The fibulae, or lesser bones of his +His genitals, like a joiner's planer. legs, like a pair of stilts. +Their erecting muscles, like a His shin-bones, like sickles. + racket. His elbows, like a mouse-trap. +The perineum, like a flageolet. His hands, like a curry-comb. +His arse-hole, like a crystal look- His neck, like a talboy. + ing-glass. His throat, like a felt to distil hip- +His bum, like a harrow. pocras. +The knob in his throat, like a His loins, like a butter-pot. + barrel, where hanged two His jaws, like a caudle cup. + brazen wens, very fine and His teeth, like a hunter's staff. + harmonious, in the shape of an Of such colt's teeth as his, + hourglass. you will find one at Colonges +His beard, like a lantern. les Royaux in Poitou, and +His chin, like a mushroom. two at La Brosse in Xaintonge, +His ears, like a pair of gloves. on the cellar door. +His nose, like a buskin. His tongue, like a jew's-harp. +His nostrils, like a forehead cloth. His mouth, like a horse-cloth. +His eyebrows, like a dripping-pan. His face embroidered like a mule's +On his left brow was a mark of pack-saddle. + the shape and bigness of an His head contrived like a still. + urinal. His skull, like a pouch. +His eyelids, like a fiddle. The suturae, or seams of his skull, +His eyes, like a comb-box. like the annulus piscatoris, or +His optic nerves, like a tinder- the fisher's signet. + box. His skin, like a gabardine. +His forehead, like a false cup. His epidermis, or outward skin, +His temples, like the cock of a like a bolting-cloth. + cistern. His hair, like a scrubbing-brush. +His cheeks, like a pair of wooden His fur, such as above said. + shoes. +</pre> +<a name="2HCH0032"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXXII.—A continuation of Shrovetide's countenance. +</h2> +<p> + 'Tis a wonderful thing, continued Xenomanes, to hear and see the state of + Shrovetide. +</p> +<pre> +If he chanced to spit, it was whole When he trembled, it was large + basketsful of goldfinches. venison pasties. +If he blowed his nose, it was When he did sweat, it was old + pickled grigs. ling with butter sauce. +When he wept, it was ducks with When he belched, it was bushels + onion sauce. of oysters. +When he sneezed, it was whole When he muttered, it was lawyers' + tubfuls of mustard. revels. +When he coughed, it was boxes When he hopped about, it was + of marmalade. letters of licence and protec- +When he sobbed, it was water- tions. + cresses. When he stepped back, it was +When he yawned, it was potfuls sea cockle-shells. + of pickled peas. When he slabbered, it was com- +When he sighed, it was dried mon ovens. + neats' tongues. When he was hoarse, it was an +When he whistled, it was a whole entry of morrice-dancers. + scuttleful of green apes. When he broke wind, it was dun +When he snored, it was a whole cows' leather spatterdashes. + panful of fried beans. When he funked, it was washed- +When he frowned, it was soused leather boots. + hogs' feet. When he scratched himself, it +When he spoke, it was coarse was new proclamations. + brown russet cloth; so little When he sung, it was peas in + it was like crimson silk, with cods. + which Parisatis desired that When he evacuated, it was mush- + the words of such as spoke to rooms and morilles. + her son Cyrus, King of Persia, When he puffed, it was cabbages + should be interwoven. with oil, alias caules amb'olif. +When he blowed, it was indulg- When he talked, it was the last + ence money-boxes. year's snow. +When he winked, it was buttered When he dreamt, it was of a + buns. cock and a bull. +When he grumbled, it was March When he gave nothing, so much + cats. for the bearer. +When he nodded, it was iron- If he thought to himself, it was + bound waggons. whimsies and maggots. +When he made mouths, it was If he dozed, it was leases of lands. + broken staves. +</pre> +<p> + What is yet more strange, he used to work doing nothing, and did nothing + though he worked; caroused sleeping, and slept carousing, with his eyes + open, like the hares in our country, for fear of being taken napping by the + Chitterlings, his inveterate enemies; biting he laughed, and laughing bit; + eat nothing fasting, and fasted eating nothing; mumbled upon suspicion, + drank by imagination, swam on the tops of high steeples, dried his clothes + in ponds and rivers, fished in the air, and there used to catch decumane + lobsters; hunted at the bottom of the herring-pond, and caught there + ibexes, stamboucs, chamois, and other wild goats; used to put out the eyes + of all the crows which he took sneakingly; feared nothing but his own + shadow and the cries of fat kids; used to gad abroad some days, like a + truant schoolboy; played with the ropes of bells on festival days of + saints; made a mallet of his fist, and writ on hairy parchment + prognostications and almanacks with his huge pin-case. +</p> +<p> + Is that the gentleman? said Friar John. He is my man; this is the very + fellow I looked for. I will send him a challenge immediately. This is, + said Pantagruel, a strange and monstrous sort of man, if I may call him a + man. You put me in mind of the form and looks of Amodunt and Dissonance. + How were they made? said Friar John. May I be peeled like a raw onion if + ever I heard a word of them. I'll tell you what I read of them in some + ancient apologues, replied Pantagruel. +</p> +<p> + Physis—that is to say, Nature—at her first burthen begat Beauty and + Harmony without carnal copulation, being of herself very fruitful and + prolific. Antiphysis, who ever was the counter part of Nature, + immediately, out of a malicious spite against her for her beautiful and + honourable productions, in opposition begot Amodunt and Dissonance by + copulation with Tellumon. Their heads were round like a football, and not + gently flatted on both sides, like the common shape of men. Their ears + stood pricked up like those of asses; their eyes, as hard as those of + crabs, and without brows, stared out of their heads, fixed on bones like + those of our heels; their feet were round like tennis-balls; their arms and + hands turned backwards towards their shoulders; and they walked on their + heads, continually turning round like a ball, topsy-turvy, heels over head. +</p> +<p> + Yet—as you know that apes esteem their young the handsomest in the world + —Antiphysis extolled her offspring, and strove to prove that their shape + was handsomer and neater than that of the children of Physis, saying that + thus to have spherical heads and feet, and walk in a circular manner, + wheeling round, had something in it of the perfection of the divine power, + which makes all beings eternally turn in that fashion; and that to have our + feet uppermost, and the head below them, was to imitate the Creator of the + universe; the hair being like the roots, and the legs like the branches of + man; for trees are better planted by their roots than they could be by their + branches. By this demonstration she implied that her children were much + more to be praised for being like a standing tree, than those of Physis, + that made a figure of a tree upside down. As for the arms and hands, she + pretended to prove that they were more justly turned towards the shoulders, + because that part of the body ought not to be without defence, while the + forepart is duly fenced with teeth, which a man cannot only use to chew, but + also to defend himself against those things that offend him. Thus, by the + testimony and astipulation of the brute beasts, she drew all the witless + herd and mob of fools into her opinion, and was admired by all brainless and + nonsensical people. +</p> +<p> + Since that, she begot the hypocritical tribes of eavesdropping dissemblers, + superstitious pope-mongers, and priest-ridden bigots, the frantic + Pistolets, (the demoniacal Calvins, impostors of Geneva,) the scrapers of + benefices, apparitors with the devil in them, and other grinders and + squeezers of livings, herb-stinking hermits, gulligutted dunces of the + cowl, church vermin, false zealots, devourers of the substance of men, and + many more other deformed and ill-favoured monsters, made in spite of + nature. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0033"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXXIII.—How Pantagruel discovered a monstrous physeter, or whirlpool, near the Wild Island. +</h2> +<p> + About sunset, coming near the Wild Island, Pantagruel spied afar off a huge + monstrous physeter (a sort of whale, which some call a whirlpool), that + came right upon us, neighing, snorting, raised above the waves higher than + our main-tops, and spouting water all the way into the air before itself, + like a large river falling from a mountain. Pantagruel showed it to the + pilot and to Xenomanes. +</p> +<p> + By the pilot's advice the trumpets of the Thalamege were sounded to warn + all the fleet to stand close and look to themselves. This alarm being + given, all the ships, galleons, frigates, brigantines, according to their + naval discipline, placed themselves in the order and figure of an Y + (upsilon), the letter of Pythagoras, as cranes do in their flight, and like + an acute angle, in whose cone and basis the Thalamege placed herself ready + to fight smartly. Friar John with the grenadiers got on the forecastle. +</p> +<p> + Poor Panurge began to cry and howl worse than ever. Babille-babou, said + he, shrugging up his shoulders, quivering all over with fear, there will be + the devil upon dun. This is a worse business than that t'other day. Let + us fly, let us fly; old Nick take me if it is not Leviathan, described by + the noble prophet Moses in the life of patient Job. It will swallow us + all, ships and men, shag, rag, and bobtail, like a dose of pills. Alas! it + will make no more of us, and we shall hold no more room in its hellish + jaws, than a sugarplum in an ass's throat. Look, look, 'tis upon us; let + us wheel off, whip it away, and get ashore. I believe 'tis the very + individual sea-monster that was formerly designed to devour Andromeda; we + are all undone. Oh! for some valiant Perseus here now to kill the dog. +</p> +<p> + I'll do its business presently, said Pantagruel; fear nothing. Ods-belly, + said Panurge, remove the cause of my fear then. When the devil would you + have a man be afraid but when there is so much cause? If your destiny be + such as Friar John was saying a while ago, replied Pantagruel, you ought to + be afraid of Pyroeis, Eous, Aethon, and Phlegon, the sun's coach-horses, + that breathe fire at the nostrils; and not of physeters, that spout nothing + but water at the snout and mouth. Their water will not endanger your life; + and that element will rather save and preserve than hurt or endanger you. +</p> +<p> + Ay, ay, trust to that, and hang me, quoth Panurge; yours is a very pretty + fancy. Ods-fish! did I not give you a sufficient account of the elements' + transmutation, and the blunders that are made of roast for boiled, and + boiled for roast? Alas! here 'tis; I'll go hide myself below. We are dead + men, every mother's son of us. I see upon our main-top that merciless hag + Atropos, with her scissors new ground, ready to cut our threads all at one + snip. Oh! how dreadful and abominable thou art; thou hast drowned a good + many beside us, who never made their brags of it. Did it but spout good, + brisk, dainty, delicious white wine, instead of this damned bitter salt + water, one might better bear with it, and there would be some cause to be + patient; like that English lord, who being doomed to die, and had leave to + choose what kind of death he would, chose to be drowned in a butt of + malmsey. Here it is. Oh, oh! devil! Sathanas! Leviathan! I cannot + abide to look upon thee, thou art so abominably ugly. Go to the bar, go + take the pettifoggers. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0034"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXXIV.—How the monstrous physeter was slain by Pantagruel. +</h2> +<p> + The physeter, coming between the ships and the galleons, threw water by + whole tuns upon them, as if it had been the cataracts of the Nile in + Ethiopia. On the other side, arrows, darts, gleaves, javelins, spears, + harping-irons, and partizans, flew upon it like hail. Friar John did not + spare himself in it. Panurge was half dead for fear. The artillery roared + and thundered like mad, and seemed to gall it in good earnest, but did but + little good; for the great iron and brass cannon-shot entering its skin + seemed to melt like tiles in the sun. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel then, considering the weight and exigency of the matter, + stretched out his arms and showed what he could do. You tell us, and it is + recorded, that Commudus, the Roman emperor, could shoot with a bow so + dexterously that at a good distance he would let fly an arrow through a + child's fingers and never touch them. You also tell us of an Indian + archer, who lived when Alexander the Great conquered India, and was so + skilful in drawing the bow, that at a considerable distance he would shoot + his arrows through a ring, though they were three cubits long, and their + iron so large and weighty that with them he used to pierce steel cutlasses, + thick shields, steel breastplates, and generally what he did hit, how firm, + resisting, hard, and strong soever it were. You also tell us wonders of + the industry of the ancient Franks, who were preferred to all others in + point of archery; and when they hunted either black or dun beasts, used to + rub the head of their arrows with hellebore, because the flesh of the + venison struck with such an arrow was more tender, dainty, wholesome, and + delicious—paring off, nevertheless, the part that was touched round about. + You also talk of the Parthians, who used to shoot backwards more + dexterously than other nations forwards; and also celebrate the skill of + the Scythians in that art, who sent once to Darius, King of Persia, an + ambassador that made him a present of a bird, a frog, a mouse, and five + arrows, without speaking one word; and being asked what those presents + meant, and if he had commission to say anything, answered that he had not; + which puzzled and gravelled Darius very much, till Gobrias, one of the + seven captains that had killed the magi, explained it, saying to Darius: + By these gifts and offerings the Scythians silently tell you that except + the Persians like birds fly up to heaven, or like mice hide themselves near + the centre of the earth, or like frogs dive to the very bottom of ponds and + lakes, they shall be destroyed by the power and arrows of the Scythians. +</p> +<p> + The noble Pantagruel was, without comparison, more admirable yet in the art + of shooting and darting; for with his dreadful piles and darts, nearly + resembling the huge beams that support the bridges of Nantes, Saumur, + Bergerac, and at Paris the millers' and the changers' bridges, in length, + size, weight, and iron-work, he at a mile's distance would open an oyster + and never touch the edges; he would snuff a candle without putting it out; + would shoot a magpie in the eye; take off a boot's under-sole, or a + riding-hood's lining, without soiling them a bit; turn over every leaf + of Friar John's breviary, one after another, and not tear one. +</p> +<p> + With such darts, of which there was good store in the ship, at the first + blow he ran the physeter in at the forehead so furiously that he pierced + both its jaws and tongue; so that from that time to this it no more opened + its guttural trapdoor, nor drew and spouted water. At the second blow he + put out its right eye, and at the third its left; and we had all the + pleasure to see the physeter bearing those three horns in its forehead, + somewhat leaning forwards in an equilateral triangle. +</p> +<p> + Meanwhile it turned about to and fro, staggering and straying like one + stunned, blinded, and taking his leave of the world. Pantagruel, not + satisfied with this, let fly another dart, which took the monster under the + tail likewise sloping; then with three other on the chine, in a + perpendicular line, divided its flank from the tail to the snout at an + equal distance. Then he larded it with fifty on one side, and after that, + to make even work, he darted as many on its other side; so that the body of + the physeter seemed like the hulk of a galleon with three masts, joined by + a competent dimension of its beams, as if they had been the ribs and + chain-wales of the keel; which was a pleasant sight. The physeter then + giving up the ghost, turned itself upon its back, as all dead fishes do; and + being thus overturned, with the beams and darts upside down in the sea, it + seemed a scolopendra or centipede, as that serpent is described by the + ancient sage Nicander. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0035"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXXV.—How Pantagruel went on shore in the Wild Island, the ancient abode of the Chitterlings. +</h2> +<a name="image-0013"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-35-472.jpg" height="638" width="863" +alt="Physetere Was Slain by Pantagruel--4-35-472 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + The boat's crew of the ship Lantern towed the physeter ashore on the + neighbouring shore, which happened to be the Wild Island, to make an + anatomical dissection of its body and save the fat of its kidneys, which, + they said, was very useful and necessary for the cure of a certain + distemper, which they called want of money. As for Pantagruel, he took no + manner of notice of the monster; for he had seen many such, nay, bigger, in + the Gallic ocean. Yet he condescended to land in the Wild Island, to dry + and refresh some of his men (whom the physeter had wetted and bedaubed), at + a small desert seaport towards the south, seated near a fine pleasant + grove, out of which flowed a delicious brook of fresh, clear, and purling + water. Here they pitched their tents and set up their kitchens; nor did + they spare fuel. +</p> +<p> + Everyone having shifted as they thought fit, Friar John rang the bell, and + the cloth was immediately laid, and supper brought in. Pantagruel eating + cheerfully with his men, much about the second course perceived certain + little sly Chitterlings clambering up a high tree near the pantry, as still + as so many mice. Which made him ask Xenomanes what kind of creatures these + were, taking them for squirrels, weasels, martins, or ermines. They are + Chitterlings, replied Xenomanes. This is the Wild Island of which I spoke + to you this morning; there hath been an irreconcilable war this long time + between them and Shrovetide, their malicious and ancient enemy. I believe + that the noise of the guns which we fired at the physeter hath alarmed + them, and made them fear their enemy was come with his forces to surprise + them, or lay the island waste, as he hath often attempted to do; though he + still came off but bluely, by reason of the care and vigilance of the + Chitterlings, who (as Dido said to Aeneas's companions that would have + landed at Carthage without her leave or knowledge) were forced to watch and + stand upon their guard, considering the malice of their enemy and the + neighbourhood of his territories. +</p> +<p> + Pray, dear friend, said Pantagruel, if you find that by some honest means + we may bring this war to an end, and reconcile them together, give me + notice of it; I will use my endeavours in it with all my heart, and spare + nothing on my side to moderate and accommodate the points in dispute + between both parties. +</p> +<p> + That's impossible at this time, answered Xenomanes. About four years ago, + passing incognito by this country, I endeavoured to make a peace, or at + least a long truce among them; and I had certainly brought them to be good + friends and neighbours if both one and the other parties would have yielded + to one single article. Shrovetide would not include in the treaty of peace + the wild puddings nor the highland sausages, their ancient gossips and + confederates. The Chitterlings demanded that the fort of Cacques might be + under their government, as is the Castle of Sullouoir, and that a parcel of + I don't know what stinking villains, murderers, robbers, that held it then, + should be expelled. But they could not agree in this, and the terms that + were offered seemed too hard to either party. So the treaty broke off, and + nothing was done. Nevertheless, they became less severe, and gentler + enemies than they were before; but since the denunciation of the national + Council of Chesil, whereby they were roughly handled, hampered, and cited; + whereby also Shrovetide was declared filthy, beshitten, and berayed, in + case he made any league or agreement with them; they are grown wonderfully + inveterate, incensed, and obstinate against one another, and there is no + way to remedy it. You might sooner reconcile cats and rats, or hounds and + hares together. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0036"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXXVI.—How the wild Chitterlings laid an ambuscado for Pantagruel. +</h2> +<a name="image-0014"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-36-474.jpg" height="881" width="600" +alt="Pantagruel Arose to Scour the Thicket--4-36-474 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + While Xenomanes was saying this, Friar John spied twenty or thirty young + slender-shaped Chitterlings posting as fast as they could towards their + town, citadel, castle, and fort of Chimney, and said to Pantagruel, I smell + a rat; there will be here the devil upon two sticks, or I am much out. + These worshipful Chitterlings may chance to mistake you for Shrovetide, + though you are not a bit like him. Let us once in our lives leave our + junketing for a while, and put ourselves in a posture to give 'em a + bellyful of fighting, if they would be at that sport. There can be no + false Latin in this, said Xenomanes; Chitterlings are still Chitterlings, + always double-hearted and treacherous. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel then arose from table to visit and scour the thicket, and + returned presently; having discovered, on the left, an ambuscade of squab + Chitterlings; and on the right, about half a league from thence, a large + body of huge giant-like armed Chitterlings ranged in battalia along a + little hill, and marching furiously towards us at the sound of bagpipes, + sheep's paunches, and bladders, the merry fifes and drums, trumpets, and + clarions, hoping to catch us as Moss caught his mare. By the conjecture of + seventy-eight standards which we told, we guessed their number to be two + and forty thousand, at a modest computation. +</p> +<p> + Their order, proud gait, and resolute looks made us judge that they were + none of your raw, paltry links, but old warlike Chitterlings and Sausages. + From the foremost ranks to the colours they were all armed cap-a-pie with + small arms, as we reckoned them at a distance, yet very sharp and + case-hardened. Their right and left wings were lined with a great number of + forest puddings, heavy pattipans, and horse sausages, all of them tall and + proper islanders, banditti, and wild. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel was very much daunted, and not without cause; though Epistemon + told him that it might be the use and custom of the Chitterlingonians to + welcome and receive thus in arms their foreign friends, as the noble kings + of France are received and saluted at their first coming into the chief + cities of the kingdom after their advancement to the crown. Perhaps, said + he, it may be the usual guard of the queen of the place, who, having notice + given her by the junior Chitterlings of the forlorn hope whom you saw on + the tree, of the arrival of your fine and pompous fleet, hath judged that + it was without doubt some rich and potent prince, and is come to visit you + in person. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel, little trusting to this, called a council, to have their advice + at large in this doubtful case. He briefly showed them how this way of + reception with arms had often, under colour of compliment and friendship, + been fatal. Thus, said he, the Emperor Antonius Caracalla at one time + destroyed the citizens of Alexandria, and at another time cut off the + attendants of Artabanus, King of Persia, under colour of marrying his + daughter, which, by the way, did not pass unpunished, for a while after + this cost him his life. +</p> +<p> + Thus Jacob's children destroyed the Sichemites, to revenge the rape of + their sister Dinah. By such another hypocritical trick Gallienus, the + Roman emperor, put to death the military men in Constantinople. Thus, + under colour of friendship, Antonius enticed Artavasdes, King of Armenia; + then, having caused him to be bound in heavy chains and shackled, at last + put him to death. +</p> +<p> + We find a thousand such instances in history; and King Charles VI. is + justly commended for his prudence to this day, in that, coming back + victorious over the Ghenters and other Flemings to his good city of Paris, + and when he came to Bourget, a league from thence, hearing that the + citizens with their mallets—whence they got the name of Maillotins—were + marched out of town in battalia, twenty thousand strong, he would not go + into the town till they had laid down their arms and retired to their + respective homes; though they protested to him that they had taken arms + with no other design than to receive him with the greater demonstration of + honour and respect. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0037"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXXVII.—How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Maul-chitterling and Colonel Cut-pudding; with a discourse well worth your hearing about the names of places and persons. +</h2> +<p> + The resolution of the council was that, let things be how they would, it + behoved the Pantagruelists to stand upon their guard. Therefore Carpalin + and Gymnast were ordered by Pantagruel to go for the soldiers that were on + board the Cup galley, under the command of Colonel Maul-chitterling, and + those on board the Vine-tub frigate, under the command of Colonel + Cut-pudding the younger. I will ease Gymnast of that trouble, said Panurge, + who wanted to be upon the run; you may have occasion for him here. By + this worthy frock of mine, quoth Friar John, thou hast a mind to slip thy + neck out of the collar and absent thyself from the fight, thou + white-livered son of a dunghill! Upon my virginity thou wilt never come + back. Well, there can be no great loss in thee; for thou wouldst do nothing + here but howl, bray, weep, and dishearten the good soldiers. I will + certainly come back, said Panurge, Friar John, my ghostly father, and + speedily too; do but take care that these plaguy Chitterlings do not board + our ships. All the while you will be a-fighting I will pray heartily for + your victory, after the example of the valiant captain and guide of the + people of Israel, Moses. Having said this, he wheeled off. +</p> +<p> + Then said Epistemon to Pantagruel: The denomination of these two colonels + of yours, Maul-chitterling and Cut-pudding, promiseth us assurance, + success, and victory, if those Chitterlings should chance to set upon us. + You take it rightly, said Pantagruel, and it pleaseth me to see you foresee + and prognosticate our victory by the names of our colonels. +</p> +<p> + This way of foretelling by names is not new; it was in old times celebrated + and religiously observed by the Pythagoreans. Several great princes and + emperors have formerly made good use of it. Octavianus Augustus, second + emperor of the Romans, meeting on a day a country fellow named Eutychus + —that is, fortunate—driving an ass named Nicon—that is, in Greek, + Victorian—moved by the signification of the ass's and ass-driver's names, + remained assured of all prosperity and victory. +</p> +<p> + The Emperor Vespasian being once all alone at prayers in the temple of + Serapis, at the sight and unexpected coming of a certain servant of his + named Basilides—that is, royal—whom he had left sick a great way behind, + took hopes and assurance of obtaining the empire of the Romans. Regilian + was chosen emperor by the soldiers for no other reason but the + signification of his name. See the Cratylus of the divine Plato. (By my + thirst, I will read it, said Rhizotome; I hear you so often quote it.) See + how the Pythagoreans, by reason of the names and numbers, conclude that + Patroclus was to fall by the hand of Hector; Hector by Achilles; Achilles + by Paris; Paris by Philoctetes. I am quite lost in my understanding when I + reflect upon the admirable invention of Pythagoras, who by the number, + either even or odd, of the syllables of every name, would tell you of what + side a man was lame, hulch-backed, blind, gouty, troubled with the palsy, + pleurisy, or any other distemper incident to humankind; allotting even + numbers to the left (Motteux reads—'even numbers to the Right, and odd + ones to the Left.'), and odd ones to the right side of the body. +</p> +<p> + Indeed, said Epistemon, I saw this way of syllabizing tried at Xaintes at a + general procession, in the presence of that good, virtuous, learned and + just president, Brian Vallee, Lord of Douhait. When there went by a man or + woman that was either lame, blind of one eye, or humpbacked, he had an + account brought him of his or her name; and if the syllables of the name + were of an odd number, immediately, without seeing the persons, he declared + them to be deformed, blind, lame, or crooked of the right side; and of the + left, if they were even in number; and such indeed we ever found them. +</p> +<p> + By this syllabical invention, said Pantagruel, the learned have affirmed + that Achilles kneeling was wounded by the arrow of Paris in the right heel, + for his name is of odd syllables (here we ought to observe that the + ancients used to kneel the right foot); and that Venus was also wounded + before Troy in the left hand, for her name in Greek is Aphrodite, of four + syllables; Vulcan lamed of his left foot for the same reason; Philip, King + of Macedon, and Hannibal, blind of the right eye; not to speak of + sciaticas, broken bellies, and hemicranias, which may be distinguished by + this Pythagorean reason. +</p> +<p> + But returning to names: do but consider how Alexander the Great, son of + King Philip, of whom we spoke just now, compassed his undertaking merely by + the interpretation of a name. He had besieged the strong city of Tyre, and + for several weeks battered it with all his power; but all in vain. His + engines and attempts were still baffled by the Tyrians, which made him + finally resolve to raise the siege, to his great grief; foreseeing the + great stain which such a shameful retreat would be to his reputation. In + this anxiety and agitation of mind he fell asleep and dreamed that a satyr + was come into his tent, capering, skipping, and tripping it up and down, + with his goatish hoofs, and that he strove to lay hold on him. But the + satyr still slipped from him, till at last, having penned him up into a + corner, he took him. With this he awoke, and telling his dream to the + philosophers and sages of his court, they let him know that it was a + promise of victory from the gods, and that he should soon be master of + Tyre; the word satyros divided in two being sa Tyros, and signifying Tyre + is thine; and in truth, at the next onset, he took the town by storm, and + by a complete victory reduced that stubborn people to subjection. +</p> +<p> + On the other hand, see how, by the signification of one word, Pompey fell + into despair. Being overcome by Caesar at the battle of Pharsalia, he had + no other way left to escape but by flight; which attempting by sea, he + arrived near the island of Cyprus, and perceived on the shore near the city + of Paphos a beautiful and stately palace; now asking the pilot what was the + name of it, he told him that it was called kakobasilea, that is, evil king; + which struck such a dread and terror in him that he fell into despair, as + being assured of losing shortly his life; insomuch that his complaints, + sighs, and groans were heard by the mariners and other passengers. And + indeed, a while after, a certain strange peasant, called Achillas, cut off + his head. +</p> +<p> + To all these examples might be added what happened to L. Paulus Emilius + when the senate elected him imperator, that is, chief of the army which + they sent against Perses, King of Macedon. That evening returning home to + prepare for his expedition, and kissing a little daughter of his called + Trasia, she seemed somewhat sad to him. What is the matter, said he, my + chicken? Why is my Trasia thus sad and melancholy? Daddy, replied the + child, Persa is dead. This was the name of a little bitch which she loved + mightily. Hearing this, Paulus took assurance of a victory over Perses. +</p> +<p> + If time would permit us to discourse of the sacred Hebrew writ, we might + find a hundred noted passages evidently showing how religiously they + observed proper names and their significations. +</p> +<p> + He had hardly ended this discourse, when the two colonels arrived with + their soldiers, all well armed and resolute. Pantagruel made them a short + speech, entreating them to behave themselves bravely in case they were + attacked; for he could not yet believe that the Chitterlings were so + treacherous; but he bade them by no means to give the first offence, giving + them Carnival for the watchword. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0038"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXXVIII.—How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by men. +</h2> +<p> + You shake your empty noddles now, jolly topers, and do not believe what I + tell you here, any more than if it were some tale of a tub. Well, well, I + cannot help it. Believe it if you will; if you won't, let it alone. For + my part, I very well know what I say. It was in the Wild Island, in our + voyage to the Holy Bottle. I tell you the time and place; what would you + have more? I would have you call to mind the strength of the ancient + giants that undertook to lay the high mountain Pelion on the top of Ossa, + and set among those the shady Olympus, to dash out the gods' brains, + unnestle them, and scour their heavenly lodgings. Theirs was no small + strength, you may well think, and yet they were nothing but Chitterlings + from the waist downwards, or at least serpents, not to tell a lie for the + matter. +</p> +<p> + The serpent that tempted Eve, too, was of the Chitterling kind, and yet it + is recorded of him that he was more subtle than any beast of the field. + Even so are Chitterlings. Nay, to this very hour they hold in some + universities that this same tempter was the Chitterling called Ithyphallus, + into which was transformed bawdy Priapus, arch-seducer of females in + paradise, that is, a garden, in Greek. +</p> +<p> + Pray now tell me who can tell but that the Swiss, now so bold and warlike, + were formerly Chitterlings? For my part, I would not take my oath to the + contrary. The Himantopodes, a nation very famous in Ethiopia, according to + Pliny's description, are Chitterlings, and nothing else. If all this will + not satisfy your worships, or remove your incredulity, I would have you + forthwith (I mean drinking first, that nothing be done rashly) visit + Lusignan, Parthenay, Vouant, Mervant, and Ponzauges in Poitou. There you + will find a cloud of witnesses, not of your affidavit-men of the right + stamp, but credible time out of mind, that will take their corporal oath, + on Rigome's knuckle-bone, that Melusina their founder or foundress, which + you please, was woman from the head to the prick-purse, and thence + downwards was a serpentine Chitterling, or if you'll have it otherwise, a + Chitterlingdized serpent. She nevertheless had a genteel and noble gait, + imitated to this very day by your hop-merchants of Brittany, in their + paspie and country dances. +</p> +<p> + What do you think was the cause of Erichthonius's being the first inventor + of coaches, litters, and chariots? Nothing but because Vulcan had begot + him with Chitterlingdized legs, which to hide he chose to ride in a litter, + rather than on horseback; for Chitterlings were not yet in esteem at that + time. +</p> +<p> + The Scythian nymph, Ora, was likewise half woman and half Chitterling, and + yet seemed so beautiful to Jupiter that nothing could serve him but he must + give her a touch of his godship's kindness; and accordingly he had a brave + boy by her, called Colaxes; and therefore I would have you leave off + shaking your empty noddles at this, as if it were a story, and firmly + believe that nothing is truer than the gospel. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0039"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XXXIX.—How Friar John joined with the cooks to fight the Chitterlings. +</h2> +<p> + Friar John seeing these furious Chitterlings thus boldly march up, said to + Pantagruel, Here will be a rare battle of hobby-horses, a pretty kind of + puppet-show fight, for aught I see. Oh! what mighty honour and wonderful + glory will attend our victory! I would have you only be a bare spectator + of this fight, and for anything else leave me and my men to deal with them. + What men? said Pantagruel. Matter of breviary, replied Friar John. How + came Potiphar, who was head-cook of Pharaoh's kitchens, he that bought + Joseph, and whom the said Joseph might have made a cuckold if he had not + been a Joseph; how came he, I say, to be made general of all the horse in + the kingdom of Egypt? Why was Nabuzardan, King Nebuchadnezzar's head-cook, + chosen to the exclusion of all other captains to besiege and destroy + Jerusalem? I hear you, replied Pantagruel. By St. Christopher's whiskers, + said Friar John, I dare lay a wager that it was because they had formerly + engaged Chitterlings, or men as little valued; whom to rout, conquer, and + destroy, cooks are without comparison more fit than cuirassiers and + gendarmes armed at all points, or all the horse and foot in the world. +</p> +<p> + You put me in mind, said Pantagruel, of what is written amongst the + facetious and merry sayings of Cicero. During the more than civil wars + between Caesar and Pompey, though he was much courted by the first, he + naturally leaned more to the side of the latter. Now one day hearing that + the Pompeians in a certain rencontre had lost a great many men, he took a + fancy to visit their camp. There he perceived little strength, less + courage, but much disorder. From that time, foreseeing that things would + go ill with them, as it since happened, he began to banter now one and then + another, and be very free of his cutting jests; so some of Pompey's + captains, playing the good fellows to show their assurance, told him, Do + you see how many eagles we have yet? (They were then the device of the + Romans in war.) They might be of use to you, replied Cicero, if you had to + do with magpies. +</p> +<p> + Thus, seeing we are to fight Chitterlings, pursued Pantagruel, you infer + thence that it is a culinary war, and have a mind to join with the cooks. + Well, do as you please, I'll stay here in the meantime, and wait for the + event of the rumpus. +</p> +<p> + Friar John went that very moment among the sutlers, into the cooks' tents, + and told them in a pleasing manner: I must see you crowned with honour and + triumph this day, my lads; to your arms are reserved such achievements as + never yet were performed within the memory of man. Ods-belly, do they make + nothing of the valiant cooks? Let us go fight yonder fornicating + Chitterlings! I'll be your captain. But first let's drink, boys. Come + on! let us be of good cheer. Noble captain, returned the kitchen tribe, + this was spoken like yourself; bravely offered. Huzza! we are all at your + excellency's command, and we live and die by you. Live, live, said Friar + John, a God's name; but die by no means. That is the Chitterlings' lot; + they shall have their bellyful of it. Come on then, let us put ourselves + in order; Nabuzardan's the word. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0040"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XL.—How Friar John fitted up the sow; and of the valiant cooks that went into it. +</h2> +<p> + Then, by Friar John's order, the engineers and their workmen fitted up the + great sow that was in the ship Leathern Bottle. It was a wonderful + machine, so contrived that, by means of large engines that were round about + it in rows, it throw'd forked iron bars and four-squared steel bolts; and + in its hold two hundred men at least could easily fight, and be sheltered. + It was made after the model of the sow of Riole, by the means of which + Bergerac was retaken from the English in the reign of Charles the Sixth. +</p> +<p> + Here are the names of the noble and valiant cooks who went into the sow, as + the Greeks did into the Trojan horse: +</p> +<p> + Sour-sauce. Crisp-pig. Carbonado. + Sweet-meat. Greasy-slouch. Sop-in-pan. + Greedy-gut. Fat-gut. Pick-fowl. + Liquorice-chops. Bray-mortar. Mustard-pot. + Soused-pork. Lick-sauce. Hog's-haslet. + Slap-sauce. Hog's-foot. Chopped-phiz. + Cock-broth. Hodge-podge. Gallimaufry. + Slipslop. +</p> +<p> + All these noble cooks in their coat-of-arms did bear, in a field gules, a + larding-pin vert, charged with a chevron argent. +</p> +<p> + Lard, hog's-lard. Pinch-lard. Snatch-lard. + Nibble-lard. Top-lard. Gnaw-lard. + Filch-lard. Pick-lard. Scrape-lard. + Fat-lard. Save-lard. Chew-lard. +</p> +<p> + Gaillard (by syncope) born near Rambouillet. The said culinary doctor's + name was Gaillardlard, in the same manner as you use to say idolatrous for + idololatrous. +</p> +<p> + Stiff-lard. Cut-lard. Waste-lard. + Watch-lard. Mince-lard. Ogle-lard. + Sweet-lard. Dainty-lard. Weigh-lard. + Eat-lard. Fresh-lard. Gulch-lard. + Snap-lard. Rusty-lard. Eye-lard. + Catch-lard. +</p> +<p> + Names unknown among the Marranes and Jews. +</p> +<p> + Ballocky. Thirsty. Porridge-pot. + Pick-sallat. Kitchen-stuff. Lick-dish. + Broil-rasher. Verjuice. Salt-gullet. + Coney-skin. Save-dripping. Snail-dresser. + Dainty-chops. Watercress. Soup-monger. + Pie-wright. Scrape-turnip. Brewis-belly. + Pudding-pan. Trivet. Chine-picker. + Toss-pot. Monsieur Ragout. Suck-gravy. + Mustard-sauce. Crack-pipkin. Macaroon. + Claret-sauce. Scrape-pot. Skewer-maker. + Swill-broth. +</p> +<p> + Smell-smock. He was afterwards taken from the kitchen and removed to + chamber-practice, for the service of the noble Cardinal Hunt-venison. +</p> +<p> + Rot-roast. Hog's gullet. Fox-tail. + Dish-clout. Sirloin. Fly-flap. + Save-suet. Spit-mutton. Old Grizzle. + Fire-fumbler. Fritter-frier. Ruff-belly. + Pillicock. Flesh-smith. Saffron-sauce. + Long-tool. Cram-gut. Strutting-tom. + Prick-pride. Tuzzy-mussy. Slashed-snout. + Prick-madam. Jacket-liner. Smutty-face. + Pricket. Guzzle-drink. +</p> +<p> + Mondam, that first invented madam's sauce, and for that discovery was thus + called in the Scotch-French dialect. +</p> +<p> + Loblolly. Sloven. Trencher-man. + Slabber-chops. Swallow-pitcher. Goodman Goosecap. + Scum-pot. Wafer-monger. Munch-turnip. + Gully-guts. Snap-gobbet. Pudding-bag. + Rinse-pot. Scurvy-phiz. Pig-sticker. + Drink-spiller. +</p> +<p> + Robert. He invented Robert's sauce, so good and necessary for roasted + coneys, ducks, fresh pork, poached eggs, salt fish, and a thousand other + such dishes. +</p> +<p> + Cold-eel. Frying-pan. Big-snout. + Thornback. Man of dough. Lick-finger. + Gurnard. Sauce-doctor. Tit-bit. + Grumbling-gut. Waste-butter. Sauce-box. + Alms-scrip. Shitbreech. All-fours. + Taste-all. Thick-brawn. Whimwham. + Scrap-merchant. Tom T—d. Baste-roast. + Belly-timberman. Mouldy-crust. Gaping-hoyden. + Hashee. Hasty. Calf's-pluck. + Frig-palate. Red-herring. Leather-breeches. + Powdering-tub. Cheesecake. +</p> +<p> + All these noble cooks went into the sow, merry, cheery, hale, brisk, old + dogs at mischief, and ready to fight stoutly. Friar John ever and anon + waving his huge scimitar, brought up the rear, and double-locked the doors + on the inside. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0041"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XLI.—How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the knees. +</h2> +<a name="image-0015"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-41-482.jpg" height="420" width="558" +alt="Cut the Sausage in Twain--4-41-482 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + The Chitterlings advanced so near that Pantagruel perceived that they + stretched their arms and already began to charge their lances, which caused + him to send Gymnast to know what they meant, and why they thus, without the + least provocation, came to fall upon their old trusty friends, who had + neither said nor done the least ill thing to them. Gymnast being advanced + near their front, bowed very low, and said to them as loud as ever he + could: We are friends, we are friends; all, all of us your friends, yours, + and at your command; we are for Carnival, your old confederate. Some have + since told me that he mistook, and said cavernal instead of carnival. +</p> +<p> + Whatever it was, the word was no sooner out of his mouth but a huge little + squab Sausage, starting out of the front of their main body, would have + griped him by the collar. By the helmet of Mars, said Gymnast, I will + swallow thee; but thou shalt only come in in chips and slices; for, big as + thou art, thou couldst never come in whole. This spoke, he lugs out his + trusty sword, Kiss-mine-arse (so he called it) with both his fists, and cut + the Sausage in twain. Bless me, how fat the foul thief was! it puts me in + mind of the huge bull of Berne, that was slain at Marignan when the drunken + Swiss were so mauled there. Believe me, it had little less than four + inches' lard on its paunch. +</p> +<p> + The Sausage's job being done, a crowd of others flew upon Gymnast, and had + most scurvily dragged him down when Pantagruel with his men came up to his + relief. Then began the martial fray, higgledy-piggledy. Maul-chitterling + did maul chitterlings; Cut-pudding did cut puddings; Pantagruel did break + the Chitterlings at the knees; Friar John played at least in sight within + his sow, viewing and observing all things; when the Pattipans that lay in + ambuscade most furiously sallied out upon Pantagruel. +</p> +<p> + Friar John, who lay snug all this while, by that time perceiving the rout + and hurlyburly, set open the doors of his sow and sallied out with his + merry Greeks, some of them armed with iron spits, others with andirons, + racks, fire-shovels, frying-pans, kettles, grid-irons, oven forks, tongs, + dripping pans, brooms, iron pots, mortars, pestles, all in battle array, + like so many housebreakers, hallooing and roaring out all together most + frightfully, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan. Thus shouting and hooting + they fought like dragons, and charged through the Pattipans and Sausages. + The Chitterlings perceiving this fresh reinforcement, and that the others + would be too hard for 'em, betook themselves to their heels, scampering off + with full speed, as if the devil had come for them. Friar John, with an + iron crow, knocked them down as fast as hops; his men, too, were not + sparing on their side. Oh, what a woeful sight it was! the field was all + over strewed with heaps of dead or wounded Chitterlings; and history + relates that had not heaven had a hand in it, the Chitterling tribe had + been totally routed out of the world by the culinary champions. But there + happened a wonderful thing, you may believe as little or as much of it as + you please. +</p> +<p> + From the north flew towards us a huge, fat, thick, grizzly swine, with long + and large wings, like those of a windmill; its plumes red crimson, like + those of a phenicoptere (which in Languedoc they call flaman); its eyes + were red, and flaming like a carbuncle; its ears green, like a Prasin + emerald; its teeth like a topaz; its tail long and black, like jet; its + feet white, diaphanous and transparent like a diamond, somewhat broad, and + of the splay kind, like those of geese, and as Queen Dick's used to be at + Toulouse in the days of yore. About its neck it wore a gold collar, round + which were some Ionian characters, whereof I could pick out but two words, + US ATHENAN, hog-teaching Minerva. +</p> +<p> + The sky was clear before; but at that monster's appearance it changed so + mightily for the worse that we were all amazed at it. As soon as the + Chitterlings perceived the flying hog, down they all threw their weapons + and fell on their knees, lifting up their hands joined together, without + speaking one word, in a posture of adoration. Friar John and his party + kept on mincing, felling, braining, mangling, and spitting the Chitterlings + like mad; but Pantagruel sounded a retreat, and all hostility ceased. +</p> +<p> + The monster having several times hovered backwards and forwards between the + two armies, with a tail-shot voided above twenty-seven butts of mustard on + the ground; then flew away through the air, crying all the while, Carnival, + Carnival, Carnival. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0042"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XLII.—How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niphleseth, Queen of the Chitterlings. +</h2> +<p> + The monster being out of sight, and the two armies remaining silent, + Pantagruel demanded a parley with the lady Niphleseth, Queen of the + Chitterlings, who was in her chariot by the standards; and it was easily + granted. The queen alighted, courteously received Pantagruel, and was glad + to see him. Pantagruel complained to her of this breach of peace; but she + civilly made her excuse, telling him that a false information had caused + all this mischief; her spies having brought her word that Shrovetide, their + mortal foe, was landed, and spent his time in examining the urine of + physeters. +</p> +<p> + She therefore entreated him to pardon them their offence, telling him that + sir-reverence was sooner found in Chitterlings than gall; and offering, for + herself and all her successors, to hold of him and his the whole island and + country; to obey him in all his commands, be friends to his friends, and + foes to his foes; and also to send every year, as an acknowledgment of + their homage, a tribute of seventy-eight thousand royal Chitterlings, to + serve him at his first course at table six months in the year; which was + punctually performed. For the next day she sent the aforesaid quantity of + royal Chitterlings to the good Gargantua, under the conduct of young + Niphleseth, infanta of the island. +</p> +<p> + The good Gargantua made a present of them to the great King of Paris. But + by change of air, and for want of mustard (the natural balsam and restorer + of Chitterlings), most of them died. By the great king's particular grant + they were buried in heaps in a part of Paris to this day called La Rue + pavee d'Andouilles, the street paved with Chitterlings. At the request of + the ladies at his court young Niphleseth was preserved, honourably used, + and since that married to heart's content; and was the mother of many + children, for which heaven be praised. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel civilly thanked the queen, forgave all offences, refused the + offer she had made of her country, and gave her a pretty little knife. + After that he asked several nice questions concerning the apparition of + that flying hog. She answered that it was the idea of Carnival, their + tutelary god in time of war, first founder and original of all the + Chitterling race; for which reason he resembled a hog, for Chitterlings + drew their extraction from hogs. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel asking to what purpose and curative indication he had voided so + much mustard on the earth, the queen replied that mustard was their + sanc-greal and celestial balsam, of which, laying but a little in the wounds + of the fallen Chitterlings, in a very short time the wounded were healed and + the dead restored to life. Pantagruel held no further discourse with the + queen, but retired a-shipboard. The like did all the boon companions, with + their implements of destruction and their huge sow. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0043"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XLIII.—How Pantagruel went into the island of Ruach. +</h2> +<p> + Two days after we arrived at the island of Ruach; and I swear to you, by + the celestial hen and chickens, that I found the way of living of the + people so strange and wonderful that I can't, for the heart's blood of me, + half tell it you. They live on nothing but wind, eat nothing but wind, and + drink nothing but wind. They have no other houses but weathercocks. They + sow no other seeds but the three sorts of windflowers, rue, and herbs that + may make one break wind to the purpose; these scour them off carefully. + The common sort of people to feed themselves make use of feather, paper, or + linen fans, according to their abilities. As for the rich, they live by + the means of windmills. +</p> +<p> + When they would have some noble treat, the tables are spread under one or + two windmills. There they feast as merry as beggars, and during the meal + their whole talk is commonly of the goodness, excellency, salubrity, and + rarity of winds; as you, jolly topers, in your cups philosophize and argue + upon wines. The one praises the south-east, the other the south-west; this + the west and by south, and this the east and by north; another the west, + and another the east; and so of the rest. As for lovers and amorous + sparks, no gale for them like a smock-gale. For the sick they use bellows + as we use clysters among us. +</p> +<p> + Oh! said to me a little diminutive swollen bubble, that I had now but a + bladderful of that same Languedoc wind which they call Cierce. The famous + physician, Scurron, passing one day by this country, was telling us that it + is so strong that it will make nothing of overturning a loaded waggon. Oh! + what good would it not do my Oedipodic leg. The biggest are not the best; + but, said Panurge, rather would I had here a large butt of that same good + Languedoc wine that grows at Mirevaux, Canteperdrix, and Frontignan. +</p> +<p> + I saw a good likely sort of a man there, much resembling Ventrose, tearing + and fuming in a grievous fret with a tall burly groom and a pimping little + page of his, laying them on, like the devil, with a buskin. Not knowing + the cause of his anger, at first I thought that all this was by the + doctor's advice, as being a thing very healthy to the master to be in a + passion and to his man to be banged for it. But at last I heard him taxing + his man with stealing from him, like a rogue as he was, the better half of + a large leathern bag of an excellent southerly wind, which he had carefully + laid up, like a hidden reserve, against the cold weather. +</p> +<p> + They neither exonerate, dung, piss, nor spit in that island; but, to make + amends, they belch, fizzle, funk, and give tail-shots in abundance. They + are troubled with all manner of distempers; and, indeed, all distempers are + engendered and proceed from ventosities, as Hippocrates demonstrates, lib. + De Flatibus. But the most epidemical among them is the wind-cholic. The + remedies which they use are large clysters, whereby they void store of + windiness. They all die of dropsies and tympanies, the men farting and the + women fizzling; so that their soul takes her leave at the back-door. +</p> +<p> + Some time after, walking in the island, we met three hairbrained airy + fellows, who seemed mightily puffed up, and went to take their pastime and + view the plovers, who live on the same diet as themselves, and abound in + the island. I observed that, as your true topers when they travel carry + flasks, leathern bottles, and small runlets along with them, so each of + them had at his girdle a pretty little pair of bellows. If they happened + to want wind, by the help of those pretty bellows they immediately drew + some, fresh and cool, by attraction and reciprocal expulsion; for, as you + well know, wind essentially defined is nothing but fluctuating and agitated + air. +</p> +<p> + A while after, we were commanded, in the king's name, not to receive for + three hours any man or woman of the country on board our ships; some having + stolen from him a rousing fart, of the very individual wind which old + goodman Aeolus the snorer gave Ulysses to conduct his ship whenever it + should happen to be becalmed. Which fart the king kept religiously, like + another sanc-greal, and performed a world of wonderful cures with it in + many dangerous diseases, letting loose and distributing to the patient only + as much of it as might frame a virginal fart; which is, if you must know, + what our sanctimonials, alias nuns, in their dialect call ringing + backwards. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0044"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XLIV.—How small rain lays a high wind. +</h2> +<p> + Pantagruel commended their government and way of living, and said to their + hypenemian mayor: If you approve Epicurus's opinion, placing the summum + bonum in pleasure (I mean pleasure that's easy and free from toil), I + esteem you happy; for your food being wind, costs you little or nothing, + since you need but blow. True, sir, returned the mayor; but, alas! nothing + is perfect here below; for too often when we are at table, feeding on some + good blessed wind of God as on celestial manna, merry as so many friars, + down drops on a sudden some small rain, which lays our wind, and so robs us + of it. Thus many a meal's lost for want of meat. +</p> +<p> + Just so, quoth Panurge, Jenin Toss-pot of Quinquenais, evacuating some wine + of his own burning on his wife's posteriors, laid the ill-fumed wind that + blowed out of their centre as out of some magisterial Aeolipile. Here is a + kind of a whim on that subject which I made formerly: +</p> +<pre> + One evening when Toss-pot had been at his butts, + And Joan his fat spouse crammed with turnips her guts, + Together they pigged, nor did drink so besot him + But he did what was done when his daddy begot him. + Now when to recruit he'd fain have been snoring, + Joan's back-door was filthily puffing and roaring; + So for spite he bepissed her, and quickly did find + That a very small rain lays a very high wind. +</pre> +<p> + We are also plagued yearly with a very great calamity, cried the mayor; for + a giant called Wide-nostrils, who lives in the island of Tohu, comes hither + every spring to purge, by the advice of his physicians, and swallows us, + like so many pills, a great number of windmills, and of bellows also, at + which his mouth waters exceedingly. +</p> +<p> + Now this is a sad mortification to us here, who are fain to fast over three + or four whole Lents every year for this, besides certain petty Lents, ember + weeks, and other orison and starving tides. And have you no remedy for + this? asked Pantagruel. By the advice of our Mezarims, replied the mayor, + about the time that he uses to give us a visit, we garrison our windmills + with good store of cocks and hens. The first time that the greedy thief + swallowed them, they had like to have done his business at once; for they + crowed and cackled in his maw, and fluttered up and down athwart and along + in his stomach, which threw the glutton into a lipothymy cardiac passion + and dreadful and dangerous convulsions, as if some serpent, creeping in at + his mouth, had been frisking in his stomach. +</p> +<p> + Here is a comparative as altogether incongruous and impertinent, cried + Friar John, interrupting them; for I have formerly heard that if a serpent + chance to get into a man's stomach it will not do him the least hurt, but + will immediately get out if you do but hang the patient by the heels and + lay a panful of warm milk near his mouth. You were told this, said + Pantagruel, and so were those who gave you this account; but none ever saw + or read of such a cure. On the contrary, Hippocrates, in his fifth book of + Epidem, writes that such a case happening in his time the patient presently + died of a spasm and convulsion. +</p> +<p> + Besides the cocks and hens, said the mayor, continuing his story, all the + foxes in the country whipped into Wide-nostril's mouth, posting after the + poultry; which made such a stir with Reynard at their heels, that he + grievously fell into fits each minute of an hour. +</p> +<p> + At last, by the advice of a Baden enchanter, at the time of the paroxysm he + used to flay a fox by way of antidote and counter-poison. Since that he + took better advice, and eases himself with taking a clyster made with a + decoction of wheat and barley corns, and of livers of goslings; to the + first of which the poultry run, and the foxes to the latter. Besides, he + swallows some of your badgers or fox-dogs by the way of pills and boluses. + This is our misfortune. +</p> +<p> + Cease to fear, good people, cried Pantagruel; this huge Wide-nostrils, this + same swallower of windmills, is no more, I will assure you; he died, being + stifled and choked with a lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot oven, + by the advice of his physicians. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0045"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XLV.—How Pantagruel went ashore in the island of Pope-Figland. +</h2> +<p> + The next morning we arrived at the island of Pope-figs; formerly a rich and + free people, called the Gaillardets, but now, alas! miserably poor, and + under the yoke of the Papimen. The occasion of it was this: +</p> +<p> + On a certain yearly high holiday, the burgomaster, syndics, and topping + rabbies of the Gaillardets chanced to go into the neighbouring island + Papimany to see the festival and pass away the time. Now one of them + having espied the pope's picture (with the sight of which, according to a + laudable custom, the people were blessed on high-offering holidays), made + mouths at it, and cried, A fig for it! as a sign of manifest contempt and + derision. To be revenged of this affront, the Papimen, some days after, + without giving the others the least warning, took arms, and surprised, + destroyed, and ruined the whole island of the Gaillardets; putting the men + to the sword, and sparing none but the women and children, and those too + only on condition to do what the inhabitants of Milan were condemned to by + the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa. +</p> +<p> + These had rebelled against him in his absence, and ignominiously turned the + empress out of the city, mounting her a-horseback on a mule called Thacor, + with her breech foremost towards the old jaded mule's head, and her face + turned towards the crupper. Now Frederick being returned, mastered them, + and caused so careful a search to be made that he found out and got the + famous mule Thacor. Then the hangman by his order clapped a fig into the + mule's jimcrack, in the presence of the enslaved cits that were brought + into the middle of the great market-place, and proclaimed in the emperor's + name, with trumpets, that whosoever of them would save his own life should + publicly pull the fig out with his teeth, and after that put it in again in + the very individual cranny whence he had draw'd it without using his hands, + and that whoever refused to do this should presently swing for it and die + in his shoes. Some sturdy fools, standing upon their punctilio, chose + honourably to be hanged rather than submit to so shameful and abominable a + disgrace; and others, less nice in point of ceremony, took heart of grace, + and even resolved to have at the fig, and a fig for't, rather than make a + worse figure with a hempen collar, and die in the air at so short warning. + Accordingly, when they had neatly picked out the fig with their teeth from + old Thacor's snatch-blatch, they plainly showed it the headsman, saying, + Ecco lo fico, Behold the fig! +</p> +<p> + By the same ignominy the rest of these poor distressed Gaillardets saved + their bacon, becoming tributaries and slaves, and the name of Pope-figs was + given them, because they said, A fig for the pope's image. Since this, the + poor wretches never prospered, but every year the devil was at their doors, + and they were plagued with hail, storms, famine, and all manner of woes, as + an everlasting punishment for the sin of their ancestors and relations. + Perceiving the misery and calamity of that generation, we did not care to + go further up into the country, contenting ourselves with going into a + little chapel near the haven to take some holy water. It was dilapidated + and ruined, wanting also a cover—like Saint Peter at Rome. When we were + in, as we dipped our fingers in the sanctified cistern, we spied in the + middle of that holy pickle a fellow muffled up with stoles, all under + water, like a diving duck, except the tip of his snout to draw his breath. + About him stood three priests, true shavelings, clean shorn and polled, who + were muttering strange words to the devils out of a conjuring book. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel was not a little amazed at this, and inquiring what kind of + sport these were at, was told that for three years last past the plague had + so dreadfully raged in the island that the better half of it had been + utterly depopulated, and the lands lay fallow and unoccupied. Now, the + mortality being over, this same fellow who had crept into the holy tub, + having a large piece of ground, chanced to be sowing it with white winter + wheat at the very minute of an hour that a kind of a silly sucking devil, + who could not yet write or read, or hail and thunder, unless it were on + parsley or coleworts, had got leave of his master Lucifer to go into this + island of Pope-figs, where the devils were very familiar with the men and + women, and often went to take their pastime. +</p> +<p> + This same devil being got thither, directed his discourse to the + husbandman, and asked him what he was doing. The poor man told him that he + was sowing the ground with corn to help him to subsist the next year. Ay, + but the ground is none of thine, Mr. Plough-jobber, cried the devil, but + mine; for since the time that you mocked the pope all this land has been + proscribed, adjudged, and abandoned to us. However, to sow corn is not my + province; therefore I will give thee leave to sow the field, that is to + say, provided we share the profit. I will, replied the farmer. I mean, + said the devil, that of what the land shall bear, two lots shall be made, + one of what shall grow above ground, the other of what shall be covered + with earth. The right of choosing belongs to me; for I am a devil of noble + and ancient race; thou art a base clown. I therefore choose what shall lie + under ground, take thou what shall be above. When dost thou reckon to + reap, hah? About the middle of July, quoth the farmer. Well, said the + devil, I'll not fail thee then; in the meantime, slave as thou oughtest. + Work, clown, work. I am going to tempt to the pleasing sin of whoring the + nuns of Dryfart, the sham saints of the cowl, and the gluttonish crew. I + am more than sure of these. They need but meet, and the job is done; true + fire and tinder, touch and take; down falls nun, and up gets friar. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0046"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XLVI.—How a junior devil was fooled by a husbandman of Pope-Figland. +</h2> +<p> + In the middle of July the devil came to the place aforesaid with all his + crew at his heels, a whole choir of the younger fry of hell; and having met + the farmer, said to him, Well, clodpate, how hast thou done since I went? + Thou and I must share the concern. Ay, master devil, quoth the clown; it + is but reason we should. Then he and his men began to cut and reap the + corn; and, on the other side, the devil's imps fell to work, grubbing up + and pulling out the stubble by the root. +</p> +<p> + The countryman had his corn thrashed, winnowed it, put in into sacks, and + went with it to market. The same did the devil's servants, and sat them + down there by the man to sell their straw. The countryman sold off his + corn at a good rate, and with the money filled an old kind of a demi-buskin + which was fastened to his girdle. But the devil a sou the devils took; far + from taking handsel, they were flouted and jeered by the country louts. +</p> +<p> + Market being over, quoth the devil to the farmer, Well, clown, thou hast + choused me once, it is thy fault; chouse me twice, 'twill be mine. Nay, + good sir devil, replied the farmer; how can I be said to have choused you, + since it was your worship that chose first? The truth is, that by this + trick you thought to cheat me, hoping that nothing would spring out of the + earth for my share, and that you should find whole underground the corn + which I had sowed, and with it tempt the poor and needy, the close + hypocrite, or the covetous griper; thus making them fall into your snares. + But troth, you must e'en go to school yet; you are no conjurer, for aught I + see; for the corn that was sow'd is dead and rotten, its corruption having + caused the generation of that which you saw me sell. So you chose the + worst, and therefore are cursed in the gospel. Well, talk no more of it, + quoth the devil; what canst thou sow our field with for next year? If a + man would make the best of it, answered the ploughman, 'twere fit he sow it + with radish. Now, cried the devil, thou talkest like an honest fellow, + bumpkin. Well, sow me good store of radish, I'll see and keep them safe + from storms, and will not hail a bit on them. But hark ye me, this time I + bespeak for my share what shall be above ground; what's under shall be + thine. Drudge on, looby, drudge on. I am going to tempt heretics; their + souls are dainty victuals when broiled in rashers and well powdered. My + Lord Lucifer has the griping in the guts; they'll make a dainty warm dish + for his honour's maw. +</p> +<p> + When the season of radishes was come, our devil failed not to meet in the + field, with a train of rascally underlings, all waiting devils, and finding + there the farmer and his men, he began to cut and gather the leaves of the + radishes. After him the farmer with his spade dug up the radishes, and + clapped them up into pouches. This done, the devil, the farmer, and their + gangs, hied them to market, and there the farmer presently made good money + of his radishes; but the poor devil took nothing; nay, what was worse, he + was made a common laughing-stock by the gaping hoidens. I see thou hast + played me a scurvy trick, thou villainous fellow, cried the angry devil; at + last I am fully resolved even to make an end of the business betwixt thee + and myself about the ground, and these shall be the terms: we will + clapperclaw each other, and whoever of us two shall first cry Hold, shall + quit his share of the field, which shall wholly belong to the conqueror. I + fix the time for this trial of skill on this day seven-night; assure + thyself that I'll claw thee off like a devil. I was going to tempt your + fornicators, bailiffs, perplexers of causes, scriveners, forgers of deeds, + two-handed counsellors, prevaricating solicitors, and other such vermin; + but they were so civil as to send me word by an interpreter that they are + all mine already. Besides, our master Lucifer is so cloyed with their + souls that he often sends them back to the smutty scullions and slovenly + devils of his kitchen, and they scarce go down with them, unless now and + then, when they are high-seasoned. +</p> +<p> + Some say there is no breakfast like a student's, no dinner like a lawyer's, + no afternoon's nunchion like a vine-dresser's, no supper like a + tradesman's, no second supper like a serving-wench's, and none of these + meals equal to a frockified hobgoblin's. All this is true enough. + Accordingly, at my Lord Lucifer's first course, hobgoblins, alias imps in + cowls, are a standing dish. He willingly used to breakfast on students; + but, alas! I do not know by what ill luck they have of late years joined + the Holy Bible to their studies; so the devil a one we can get down among + us; and I verily believe that unless the hypocrites of the tribe of Levi + help us in it, taking from the enlightened book-mongers their St. Paul, + either by threats, revilings, force, violence, fire, and faggot, we shall + not be able to hook in any more of them to nibble at below. He dines + commonly on counsellors, mischief-mongers, multipliers of lawsuits, such as + wrest and pervert right and law and grind and fleece the poor; he never + fears to want any of these. But who can endure to be wedded to a dish? +</p> +<p> + He said t'other day, at a full chapter, that he had a great mind to eat the + soul of one of the fraternity of the cowl that had forgot to speak for + himself in his sermon, and he promised double pay and a large pension to + anyone that should bring him such a titbit piping hot. We all went + a-hunting after such a rarity, but came home without the prey; for they all + admonish the good women to remember their convent. As for afternoon + nunchions, he has left them off since he was so woefully griped with the + colic; his fosterers, sutlers, charcoal-men, and boiling cooks having been + sadly mauled and peppered off in the northern countries. +</p> +<p> + His high devilship sups very well on tradesmen, usurers, apothecaries, + cheats, coiners, and adulterers of wares. Now and then, when he is on the + merry pin, his second supper is of serving-wenches who, after they have by + stealth soaked their faces with their master's good liquor, fill up the + vessel with it at second hand, or with other stinking water. +</p> +<p> + Well, drudge on, boor, drudge on; I am going to tempt the students of + Trebisonde to leave father and mother, forego for ever the established and + common rule of living, disclaim and free themselves from obeying their + lawful sovereign's edicts, live in absolute liberty, proudly despise + everyone, laugh at all mankind, and taking the fine jovial little cap of + poetic licence, become so many pretty hobgoblins. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0047"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XLVII.—How the devil was deceived by an old woman of Pope-Figland. +</h2> +<p> + The country lob trudged home very much concerned and thoughtful, you may + swear; insomuch that his good woman, seeing him thus look moping, weened + that something had been stolen from him at market; but when she had heard + the cause of his affliction and seen his budget well lined with coin, she + bade him be of good cheer, assuring him that he would be never the worse + for the scratching bout in question; wishing him only to leave her to + manage that business, and not trouble his head about it; for she had + already contrived how to bring him off cleverly. Let the worst come to the + worst, said the husbandman, it will be but a scratch; for I'll yield at the + first stroke, and quit the field. Quit a fart, replied the wife; he shall + have none of the field. Rely upon me, and be quiet; let me alone to deal + with him. You say he is a pimping little devil, that is enough; I will + soon make him give up the field, I will warrant you. Indeed, had he been a + great devil, it had been somewhat. +</p> +<p> + The day that we landed in the island happened to be that which the devil + had fixed for the combat. Now the countryman having, like a good Catholic, + very fairly confessed himself, and received betimes in the morning, by the + advice of the vicar had hid himself, all but the snout, in the holy-water + pot, in the posture in which we found him; and just as they were telling us + this story, news came that the old woman had fooled the devil and gained + the field. You may not be sorry, perhaps, to hear how this happened. +</p> +<p> + The devil, you must know, came to the poor man's door, and rapping there, + cried, So ho! ho, the house! ho, clodpate! where art thou? Come out with a + vengeance; come out with a wannion; come out and be damned; now for + clawing. Then briskly and resolutely entering the house, and not finding + the countryman there, he spied his wife lying on the ground, piteously + weeping and howling. What is the matter? asked the devil. Where is he? + what does he? Oh! that I knew where he is, replied threescore and five; + the wicked rogue, the butcherly dog, the murderer! He has spoiled me; I am + undone; I die of what he has done me. How, cried the devil, what is it? + I'll tickle him off for you by-and-by. Alas! cried the old dissembler, he + told me, the butcher, the tyrant, the tearer of devils told me that he had + made a match to scratch with you this day, and to try his claws he did but + just touch me with his little finger here betwixt the legs, and has spoiled + me for ever. Oh! I am a dead woman; I shall never be myself again; do but + see! Nay, and besides, he talked of going to the smith's to have his + pounces sharpened and pointed. Alas! you are undone, Mr. Devil; good sir, + scamper quickly, I am sure he won't stay; save yourself, I beseech you. + While she said this she uncovered herself up to the chin, after the manner + in which the Persian women met their children who fled from the fight, and + plainly showed her what do ye call them. The frightened devil, seeing the + enormous solution of the continuity in all its dimensions, blessed himself, + and cried out, Mahon, Demiourgon, Megaera, Alecto, Persephone! 'slife, + catch me here when he comes! I am gone! 'sdeath, what a gash! I resign + him the field. +</p> +<p> + Having heard the catastrophe of the story, we retired a-shipboard, not + being willing to stay there any longer. Pantagruel gave to the poor's box + of the fabric of the church eighteen thousand good royals, in commiseration + of the poverty of the people and the calamity of the place. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0048"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XLVIII.—How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Papimany. +</h2> +<a name="image-0016"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-48-496.jpg" height="927" width="593" +alt="The Devil Came to the Place--4-48-496 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Having left the desolate island of the Pope-figs, we sailed for the space + of a day very fairly and merrily, and made the blessed island of Papimany. + As soon as we had dropt anchor in the road, before we had well moored our + ship with ground-tackle, four persons in different garbs rowed towards us + in a skiff. One of them was dressed like a monk in his frock, + draggle-tailed, and booted; the other like a falconer, with a lure, and a + long-winged hawk on his fist; the third like a solicitor, with a large bag, + full of informations, subpoenas, breviates, bills, writs, cases, and other + implements of pettifogging; the fourth looked like one of your vine-barbers + about Ocleans, with a jaunty pair of canvas trousers, a dosser, and a + pruning knife at his girdle. +</p> +<p> + As soon as the boat had clapped them on board, they all with one voice + asked, Have you seen him, good passengers, have you seen him? Who? asked + Pantagruel. You know who, answered they. Who is it? asked Friar John. + 'Sblood and 'ounds, I'll thrash him thick and threefold. This he said + thinking that they inquired after some robber, murderer, or church-breaker. + Oh, wonderful! cried the four; do not you foreign people know the one? + Sirs, replied Epistemon, we do not understand those terms; but if you will + be pleased to let us know who you mean, we will tell you the truth of the + matter without any more ado. We mean, said they, he that is. Did you ever + see him? He that is, returned Pantagruel, according to our theological + doctrine, is God, who said to Moses, I am that I am. We never saw him, nor + can he be beheld by mortal eyes. We mean nothing less than that supreme + God who rules in heaven, replied they; we mean the god on earth. Did you + ever see him? Upon my honour, replied Carpalin, they mean the pope. Ay, + ay, answered Panurge; yea, verily, gentlemen, I have seen three of them, + whose sight has not much bettered me. How! cried they, our sacred + decretals inform us that there never is more than one living. I mean + successively, one after the other, returned Panurge; otherwise I never saw + more than one at a time. +</p> +<p> + O thrice and four times happy people! cried they; you are welcome, and more + than double welcome! They then kneeled down before us and would have + kissed our feet, but we would not suffer it, telling them that should the + pope come thither in his own person, 'tis all they could do to him. No, + certainly, answered they, for we have already resolved upon the matter. We + would kiss his bare arse without boggling at it, and eke his two pounders; + for he has a pair of them, the holy father, that he has; we find it so by + our fine decretals, otherwise he could not be pope. So that, according to + our subtle decretaline philosophy, this is a necessary consequence: he is + pope; therefore he has genitories, and should genitories no more be found + in the world, the world could no more have a pope. +</p> +<p> + While they were talking thus, Pantagruel inquired of one of the coxswain's + crew who those persons were. He answered that they were the four estates + of the island, and added that we should be made as welcome as princes, + since we had seen the pope. Panurge having been acquainted with this by + Pantagruel, said to him in his ear, I swear and vow, sir, 'tis even so; he + that has patience may compass anything. Seeing the pope had done us no + good; now, in the devil's name, 'twill do us a great deal. We then went + ashore, and the whole country, men, women, and children, came to meet us as + in a solemn procession. Our four estates cried out to them with a loud + voice, They have seen him! they have seen him! they have seen him! That + proclamation being made, all the mob kneeled before us, lifting up their + hands towards heaven, and crying, O happy men! O most happy! and this + acclamation lasted above a quarter of an hour. +</p> +<p> + Then came the Busby (!) of the place, with all his pedagogues, ushers, and + schoolboys, whom he magisterially flogged, as they used to whip children in + our country formerly when some criminal was hanged, that they might + remember it. This displeased Pantagruel, who said to them, Gentlemen, if + you do not leave off whipping these poor children, I am gone. The people + were amazed, hearing his stentorian voice; and I saw a little hump with + long fingers say to the hypodidascal, What, in the name of wonder! do all + those that see the pope grow as tall as yon huge fellow that threatens us? + Ah! how I shall think time long till I have seen him too, that I may grow + and look as big. In short, the acclamations were so great that Homenas (so + they called their bishop) hastened thither on an unbridled mule with green + trappings, attended by his apposts (as they said) and his supposts, or + officers bearing crosses, banners, standards, canopies, torches, holy-water + pots, &c. He too wanted to kiss our feet (as the good Christian Valfinier + did to Pope Clement), saying that one of their hypothetes, that's one of + the scavengers, scourers, and commentators of their holy decretals, had + written that, in the same manner as the Messiah, so long and so much + expected by the Jews, at last appeared among them; so, on some happy day of + God, the pope would come into that island; and that, while they waited for + that blessed time, if any who had seen him at Rome or elsewhere chanced to + come among them, they should be sure to make much of them, feast them + plentifully, and treat them with a great deal of reverence. However, we + civilly desired to be excused. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0049"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.XLIX.—How Homenas, Bishop of Papimany, showed us the Uranopet decretals. +</h2> +<p> + Homenas then said to us: 'Tis enjoined us by our holy decretals to visit + churches first and taverns after. Therefore, not to decline that fine + institution, let us go to church; we will afterwards go and feast + ourselves. Man of God, quoth Friar John, do you go before, we'll follow + you. You spoke in the matter properly, and like a good Christian; 'tis + long since we saw any such. For my part, this rejoices my mind very much, + and I verily believe that I shall have the better stomach after it. Well, + 'tis a happy thing to meet with good men! Being come near the gate of the + church, we spied a huge thick book, gilt, and covered all over with + precious stones, as rubies, emeralds, (diamonds,) and pearls, more, or at + least as valuable as those which Augustus consecrated to Jupiter + Capitolinus. This book hanged in the air, being fastened with two thick + chains of gold to the zoophore of the porch. We looked on it and admired + it. As for Pantagruel, he handled it and dandled it and turned it as he + pleased, for he could reach it without straining; and he protested that + whenever he touched it, he was seized with a pleasant tickling at his + fingers' end, new life and activity in his arms, and a violent temptation + in his mind to beat one or two sergeants, or such officers, provided they + were not of the shaveling kind. Homenas then said to us, The law was + formerly given to the Jews by Moses, written by God himself. At Delphos, + before the portal of Apollo's temple, this sentence, GNOTHI SEAUTON, was + found written with a divine hand. And some time after it, EI was also + seen, and as divinely written and transmitted from heaven. Cybele's image + was brought out of heaven, into a field called Pessinunt, in Phrygia; so + was that of Diana to Tauris, if you will believe Euripides; the oriflamme, + or holy standard, was transmitted out of heaven to the noble and most + Christian kings of France, to fight against the unbelievers. In the reign + of Numa Pompilius, second King of the Romans, the famous copper buckler + called Ancile was seen to descend from heaven. At Acropolis, near Athens, + Minerva's statue formerly fell from the empyreal heaven. In like manner + the sacred decretals which you see were written with the hand of an angel + of the cherubim kind. You outlandish people will hardly believe this, I + fear. Little enough, of conscience, said Panurge. And then, continued + Homenas, they were miraculously transmitted to us here from the very heaven + of heavens; in the same manner as the river Nile is called Diipetes by + Homer, the father of all philosophy—the holy decretals always excepted. + Now, because you have seen the pope, their evangelist and everlasting + protector, we will give you leave to see and kiss them on the inside, if + you think meet. But then you must fast three days before, and canonically + confess; nicely and strictly mustering up and inventorizing your sins, + great and small, so thick that one single circumstance of them may not + escape you; as our holy decretals, which you see, direct. This will take + up some time. Man of God, answered Panurge, we have seen and descried + decrees, and eke decretals enough o' conscience; some on paper, other on + parchment, fine and gay like any painted paper lantern, some on vellum, + some in manuscript, and others in print; so you need not take half these + pains to show us these. We'll take the goodwill for the deed, and thank + you as much as if we had. Ay, marry, said Homenas, but you never saw these + that are angelically written. Those in your country are only transcripts + from ours; as we find it written by one of our old decretaline scholiasts. + For me, do not spare me; I do not value the labour, so I may serve you. Do + but tell me whether you will be confessed and fast only three short little + days of God? As for shriving, answered Panurge, there can be no great harm + in't; but this same fasting, master of mine, will hardly down with us at + this time, for we have so very much overfasted ourselves at sea that the + spiders have spun their cobwebs over our grinders. Do but look on this + good Friar John des Entomeures (Homenas then courteously demi-clipped him + about the neck), some moss is growing in his throat for want of bestirring + and exercising his chaps. He speaks the truth, vouched Friar John; I have + so much fasted that I'm almost grown hump-shouldered. Come, then, let's go + into the church, said Homenas; and pray forgive us if for the present we do + not sing you a fine high mass. The hour of midday is past, and after it + our sacred decretals forbid us to sing mass, I mean your high and lawful + mass. But I'll say a low and dry one for you. I had rather have one + moistened with some good Anjou wine, cried Panurge; fall to, fall to your + low mass, and despatch. Ods-bodikins, quoth Friar John, it frets me to the + guts that I must have an empty stomach at this time of day; for, had I + eaten a good breakfast and fed like a monk, if he should chance to sing us + the Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine, I had then brought thither bread and + wine for the traits passes (those that are gone before). Well, patience; + pull away, and save tide; short and sweet, I pray you, and this for a + cause. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0050"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.L.—How Homenas showed us the archetype, or representation of a pope. +</h2> +<p> + Mass being mumbled over, Homenas took a huge bundle of keys out of a trunk + near the head altar, and put thirty-two of them into so many keyholes; put + back so many springs; then with fourteen more mastered so many padlocks, + and at last opened an iron window strongly barred above the said altar. + This being done, in token of great mystery he covered himself with wet + sackcloth, and drawing a curtain of crimson satin, showed us an image + daubed over, coarsely enough, to my thinking; then he touched it with a + pretty long stick, and made us all kiss the part of the stick that had + touched the image. After this he said unto us, What think you of this + image? It is the likeness of a pope, answered Pantagruel; I know it by the + triple crown, his furred amice, his rochet, and his slipper. You are in + the right, said Homenas; it is the idea of that same good god on earth + whose coming we devoutly await, and whom we hope one day to see in this + country. O happy, wished-for, and much-expected day! and happy, most happy + you, whose propitious stars have so favoured you as to let you see the + living and real face of this good god on earth! by the single sight of + whose picture we obtain full remission of all the sins which we remember + that we have committed, as also a third part and eighteen quarantaines of + the sins which we have forgot; and indeed we only see it on high annual + holidays. +</p> +<p> + This caused Pantagruel to say that it was a work like those which Daedalus + used to make, since, though it were deformed and ill drawn, nevertheless + some divine energy, in point of pardons, lay hid and concealed in it. + Thus, said Friar John, at Seuille, the rascally beggars being one evening + on a solemn holiday at supper in the spital, one bragged of having got six + blancs, or twopence halfpenny; another eight liards, or twopence; a third, + seven caroluses, or sixpence; but an old mumper made his vaunts of having + got three testons, or five shillings. Ah, but, cried his comrades, thou + hast a leg of God; as if, continued Friar John, some divine virtue could + lie hid in a stinking ulcerated rotten shank. Pray, said Pantagruel, when + you are for telling us some such nauseous tale, be so kind as not to forget + to provide a basin, Friar John; I'll assure you, I had much ado to forbear + bringing up my breakfast. Fie! I wonder a man of your coat is not ashamed + to use thus the sacred name of God in speaking of things so filthy and + abominable! fie, I say. If among your monking tribes such an abuse of + words is allowed, I beseech you leave it there, and do not let it come out + of the cloisters. Physicians, said Epistemon, thus attribute a kind of + divinity to some diseases. Nero also extolled mushrooms, and, in a Greek + proverb, termed them divine food, because with them he had poisoned + Claudius his predecessor. But methinks, gentlemen, this same picture is + not over-like our late popes. For I have seen them, not with their + pallium, amice, or rochet on, but with helmets on their heads, more like + the top of a Persian turban; and while the Christian commonwealth was in + peace, they alone were most furiously and cruelly making war. This must + have been then, returned Homenas, against the rebellious, heretical + Protestants; reprobates who are disobedient to the holiness of this good + god on earth. 'Tis not only lawful for him to do so, but it is enjoined + him by the sacred decretals; and if any dare transgress one single iota + against their commands, whether they be emperors, kings, dukes, princes, or + commonwealths, he is immediately to pursue them with fire and sword, strip + them of all their goods, take their kingdoms from them, proscribe them, + anathematize them, and destroy not only their bodies, those of their + children, relations, and others, but damn also their souls to the very + bottom of the most hot and burning cauldron in hell. Here, in the devil's + name, said Panurge, the people are no heretics; such as was our + Raminagrobis, and as they are in Germany and England. You are Christians + of the best edition, all picked and culled, for aught I see. Ay, marry are + we, returned Homenas, and for that reason we shall all be saved. Now let + us go and bless ourselves with holy water, and then to dinner. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0051"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LI.—Table-talk in praise of the decretals. +</h2> +<a name="image-0017"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-51-500.jpg" height="921" width="606" +alt="Appointed Cows to Furnish Milk--4-51-500 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Now, topers, pray observe that while Homenas was saying his dry mass, three + collectors, or licensed beggars of the church, each of them with a large + basin, went round among the people, with a loud voice: Pray remember the + blessed men who have seen his face. As we came out of the temple they + brought their basins brimful of Papimany chink to Homenas, who told us that + it was plentifully to feast with; and that, of this contribution and + voluntary tax, one part should be laid out in good drinking, another in + good eating, and the remainder in both, according to an admirable + exposition hidden in a corner of their holy decretals; which was performed + to a T, and that at a noted tavern not much unlike that of Will's at + Amiens. Believe me, we tickled it off there with copious cramming and + numerous swilling. +</p> +<p> + I made two notable observations at that dinner: the one, that there was + not one dish served up, whether of cabrittas, capons, hogs (of which latter + there is great plenty in Papimany), pigeons, coneys, leverets, turkeys, or + others, without abundance of magistral stuff; the other, that every course, + and the fruit also, were served up by unmarried females of the place, tight + lasses, I'll assure you, waggish, fair, good-conditioned, and comely, + spruce, and fit for business. They were all clad in fine long white albs, + with two girts; their hair interwoven with narrow tape and purple ribbon, + stuck with roses, gillyflowers, marjoram, daffadowndillies, thyme, and + other sweet flowers. +</p> +<p> + At every cadence they invited us to drink and bang it about, dropping us + neat and genteel courtesies; nor was the sight of them unwelcome to all the + company; and as for Friar John, he leered on them sideways, like a cur that + steals a capon. When the first course was taken off, the females + melodiously sung us an epode in the praise of the sacrosanct decretals; and + then the second course being served up, Homenas, joyful and cheery, said to + one of the she-butlers, Light here, Clerica. Immediately one of the girls + brought him a tall-boy brimful of extravagant wine. He took fast hold of + it, and fetching a deep sigh, said to Pantagruel, My lord, and you, my good + friends, here's t'ye, with all my heart; you are all very welcome. When he + had tipped that off, and given the tall-boy to the pretty creature, he + lifted up his voice and said, O most holy decretals, how good is good wine + found through your means! This is the best jest we have had yet, observed + Panurge. But it would still be a better, said Pantagruel, if they could + turn bad wine into good. +</p> +<p> + O seraphic Sextum! continued Homenas, how necessary are you not to the + salvation of poor mortals! O cherubic Clementinae! how perfectly the + perfect institution of a true Christian is contained and described in you! + O angelical Extravagantes! how many poor souls that wander up and down in + mortal bodies through this vale of misery would perish were it not for you! + When, ah! when shall this special gift of grace be bestowed on mankind, as + to lay aside all other studies and concerns, to use you, to peruse you, to + understand you, to know you by heart, to practise you, to incorporate you, + to turn you into blood, and incentre you into the deepest ventricles of + their brains, the inmost marrow of their bones, and most intricate + labyrinth of their arteries? Then, ah! then, and no sooner than then, nor + otherwise than thus, shall the world be happy! While the old man was thus + running on, Epistemon rose and softly said to Panurge: For want of a + close-stool, I must even leave you for a moment or two; this stuff has + unbunged the orifice of my mustard-barrel; but I'll not tarry long. +</p> +<p> + Then, ah! then, continued Homenas, no hail, frost, ice, snow, overflowing, + or vis major; then plenty of all earthly goods here below. Then + uninterrupted and eternal peace through the universe, an end of all wars, + plunderings, drudgeries, robbing, assassinates, unless it be to destroy + these cursed rebels the heretics. Oh! then, rejoicing, cheerfulness, + jollity, solace, sports, and delicious pleasures, over the face of the + earth. Oh! what great learning, inestimable erudition, and god-like + precepts are knit, linked, rivetted, and mortised in the divine chapters of + these eternal decretals! +</p> +<p> + Oh! how wonderfully, if you read but one demi-canon, short paragraph, or + single observation of these sacrosanct decretals, how wonderfully, I say, + do you not perceive to kindle in your hearts a furnace of divine love, + charity towards your neighbour (provided he be no heretic), bold contempt + of all casual and sublunary things, firm content in all your affections, + and ecstatic elevation of soul even to the third heaven. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0052"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LII.—A continuation of the miracles caused by the decretals. +</h2> +<p> + Wisely, brother Timothy, quoth Panurge, did am, did am; he says blew; but, + for my part, I believe as little of it as I can. For one day by chance I + happened to read a chapter of them at Poictiers, at the most + decretalipotent Scotch doctor's, and old Nick turn me into bumfodder, if + this did not make me so hide-bound and costive, that for four or five days + I hardly scumbered one poor butt of sir-reverence; and that, too, was full + as dry and hard, I protest, as Catullus tells us were those of his + neighbour Furius: +</p> +<pre> + Nec toto decies cacas in anno, + Atque id durius est faba, et lapillis: + Quod tu si manibus teras, fricesque, + Non unquam digitum inquinare posses. +</pre> +<p> + Oh, ho! cried Homenas; by'r lady, it may be you were then in the state of + mortal sin, my friend. Well turned, cried Panurge; this was a new strain, + egad. +</p> +<p> + One day, said Friar John, at Seuille, I had applied to my posteriors, by + way of hind-towel, a leaf of an old Clementinae which our rent-gatherer, + John Guimard, had thrown out into the green of our cloister. Now the devil + broil me like a black pudding, if I wasn't so abominably plagued with + chaps, chawns, and piles at the fundament, that the orifice of my poor + nockandroe was in a most woeful pickle for I don't know how long. By'r our + lady, cried Homenas, it was a plain punishment of God for the sin that you + had committed in beraying that sacred book, which you ought rather to have + kissed and adored; I say with an adoration of latria, or of hyperdulia at + least. The Panormitan never told a lie in the matter. +</p> +<p> + Saith Ponocrates: At Montpelier, John Chouart having bought of the monks + of St. Olary a delicate set of decretals, written on fine large parchment + of Lamballe, to beat gold between the leaves, not so much as a piece that + was beaten in them came to good, but all were dilacerated and spoiled. + Mark this! cried Homenas; 'twas a divine punishment and vengeance. +</p> +<p> + At Mans, said Eudemon, Francis Cornu, apothecary, had turned an old set of + Extravagantes into waste paper. May I never stir, if whatever was lapped + up in them was not immediately corrupted, rotten, and spoiled; incense, + pepper, cloves, cinnamon, saffron, wax, cassia, rhubarb, tamarinds, all + drugs and spices, were lost without exception. Mark, mark, quoth Homenas, + an effect of divine justice! This comes of putting the sacred Scriptures + to such profane uses. +</p> +<p> + At Paris, said Carpalin, Snip Groignet the tailor had turned an old + Clementinae into patterns and measures, and all the clothes that were cut + on them were utterly spoiled and lost; gowns, hoods, cloaks, cassocks, + jerkins, jackets, waistcoats, capes, doublets, petticoats, corps de robes, + farthingales, and so forth. Snip, thinking to cut a hood, would cut you + out a codpiece; instead of a cassock he would make you a high-crowned hat; + for a waistcoat he'd shape you out a rochet; on the pattern of a doublet + he'd make you a thing like a frying-pan. Then his journeymen having + stitched it up did jag it and pink it at the bottom, and so it looked like + a pan to fry chestnuts. Instead of a cape he made a buskin; for a + farthingale he shaped a montero cap; and thinking to make a cloak, he'd cut + out a pair of your big out-strouting Swiss breeches, with panes like the + outside of a tabor. Insomuch that Snip was condemned to make good the + stuffs to all his customers; and to this day poor Cabbage's hair grows + through his hood and his arse through his pocket-holes. Mark, an effect of + heavenly wrath and vengeance! cried Homenas. +</p> +<p> + At Cahusac, said Gymnast, a match being made by the lords of Estissac and + Viscount Lausun to shoot at a mark, Perotou had taken to pieces a set of + decretals and set one of the leaves for the white to shoot at. Now I sell, + nay, I give and bequeath for ever and aye, the mould of my doublet to + fifteen hundred hampers full of black devils, if ever any archer in the + country (though they are singular marksmen in Guienne) could hit the white. + Not the least bit of the holy scribble was contaminated or touched; nay, + and Sansornin the elder, who held stakes, swore to us, figues dioures, hard + figs (his greatest oath), that he had openly, visibly, and manifestly seen + the bolt of Carquelin moving right to the round circle in the middle of the + white; and that just on the point, when it was going to hit and enter, it + had gone aside above seven foot and four inches wide of it towards the + bakehouse. +</p> +<p> + Miracle! cried Homenas, miracle! miracle! Clerica, come wench, light, + light here. Here's to you all, gentlemen; I vow you seem to me very sound + Christians. While he said this, the maidens began to snicker at his elbow, + grinning, giggling, and twittering among themselves. Friar John began to + paw, neigh, and whinny at the snout's end, as one ready to leap, or at + least to play the ass, and get up and ride tantivy to the devil like a + beggar on horseback. +</p> +<p> + Methinks, said Pantagruel, a man might have been more out of danger near + the white of which Gymnast spoke than was formerly Diogenes near another. + How is that? asked Homenas; what was it? Was he one of our decretalists? + Rarely fallen in again, egad, said Epistemon, returning from stool; I see + he will hook his decretals in, though by the head and shoulders. +</p> +<p> + Diogenes, said Pantagruel, one day for pastime went to see some archers + that shot at butts, one of whom was so unskilful, that when it was his turn + to shoot all the bystanders went aside, lest he should mistake them for the + mark. Diogenes had seen him shoot extremely wide of it; so when the other + was taking aim a second time, and the people removed at a great distance to + the right and left of the white, he placed himself close by the mark, + holding that place to be the safest, and that so bad an archer would + certainly rather hit any other. +</p> +<p> + One of the Lord d'Estissac's pages at last found out the charm, pursued + Gymnast, and by his advice Perotou put in another white made up of some + papers of Pouillac's lawsuit, and then everyone shot cleverly. +</p> +<p> + At Landerousse, said Rhizotome, at John Delif's wedding were very great + doings, as 'twas then the custom of the country. After supper several + farces, interludes, and comical scenes were acted; they had also several + morris-dancers with bells and tabors, and divers sorts of masks and mummers + were let in. My schoolfellows and I, to grace the festival to the best of + our power (for fine white and purple liveries had been given to all of us + in the morning), contrived a merry mask with store of cockle-shells, shells + of snails, periwinkles, and such other. Then for want of cuckoo-pint, or + priest-pintle, lousebur, clote, and paper, we made ourselves false faces + with the leaves of an old Sextum that had been thrown by and lay there for + anyone that would take it up, cutting out holes for the eyes, nose, and + mouth. Now, did you ever hear the like since you were born? When we had + played our little boyish antic tricks, and came to take off our sham faces, + we appeared more hideous and ugly than the little devils that acted the + Passion at Douay; for our faces were utterly spoiled at the places which + had been touched by those leaves. One had there the small-pox; another, + God's token, or the plague-spot; a third, the crinckums; a fourth, the + measles; a fifth, botches, pushes, and carbuncles; in short, he came off + the least hurt who only lost his teeth by the bargain. Miracle! bawled out + Homenas, miracle! +</p> +<p> + Hold, hold! cried Rhizotome; it is not yet time to clap. My sister Kate + and my sister Ren had put the crepines of their hoods, their ruffles, + snuffekins, and neck-ruffs new washed, starched, and ironed, into that very + book of decretals; for, you must know, it was covered with thick boards and + had strong clasps. Now, by the virtue of God—Hold, interrupted Homenas, + what god do you mean? There is but one, answered Rhizotome. In heaven, I + grant, replied Homenas; but we have another here on earth, do you see? Ay, + marry have we, said Rhizotome; but on my soul I protest I had quite forgot + it. Well then, by the virtue of god the pope, their pinners, neck-ruffs, + bib, coifs, and other linen turned as black as a charcoal-man's sack. + Miracle! cried Homenas. Here, Clerica, light me here; and prithee, girl, + observe these rare stories. How comes it to pass then, asked Friar John, + that people say, +</p> +<pre> + Ever since decrees had tails, + And gendarmes lugged heavy mails, + Since each monk would have a horse, + All went here from bad to worse. +</pre> +<p> + I understand you, answered Homenas; this is one of the quirks and little + satires of the new-fangled heretics. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0053"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LIII.—How by the virtue of the decretals, gold is subtilely drawn out of France to Rome. +</h2> +<p> + I would, said Epistemon, it had cost me a pint of the best tripe that ever + can enter into gut, so we had but compared with the original the dreadful + chapters, Execrabilis, De multa, Si plures; De annatis per totum; Nisi + essent; Cum ad monasterium; Quod delectio; Mandatum; and certain others, + that draw every year out of France to Rome four hundred thousand ducats and + more. +</p> +<p> + Do you make nothing of this? asked Homenas. Though, methinks, after all, + it is but little, if we consider that France, the most Christian, is the + only nurse the see of Rome has. However, find me in the whole world a + book, whether of philosophy, physic, law, mathematics, or other humane + learning, nay, even, by my God, of the Holy Scripture itself, will draw as + much money thence? None, none, psha, tush, blurt, pish; none can. You may + look till your eyes drop out of your head, nay, till doomsday in the + afternoon, before you can find another of that energy; I'll pass my word + for that. +</p> +<p> + Yet these devilish heretics refuse to learn and know it. Burn 'em, tear + 'em, nip 'em with hot pincers, drown 'em, hang 'em, spit 'em at the + bunghole, pelt 'em, paut 'em, bruise 'em, beat 'em, cripple 'em, dismember + 'em, cut 'em, gut 'em, bowel 'em, paunch 'em, thrash 'em, slash 'em, gash + 'em, chop 'em, slice 'em, slit 'em, carve 'em, saw 'em, bethwack 'em, pare + 'em, hack 'em, hew 'em, mince 'em, flay 'em, boil 'em, broil 'em, roast + 'em, toast 'em, bake 'em, fry 'em, crucify 'em, crush 'em, squeeze 'em, + grind 'em, batter 'em, burst 'em, quarter 'em, unlimb 'em, behump 'em, + bethump 'em, belam 'em, belabour 'em, pepper 'em, spitchcock 'em, and + carbonade 'em on gridirons, these wicked heretics! decretalifuges, + decretalicides, worse than homicides, worse than patricides, + decretalictones of the devil of hell. +</p> +<p> + As for you other good people, I must earnestly pray and beseech you to + believe no other thing, to think on, say, undertake, or do no other thing, + than what's contained in our sacred decretals and their corollaries, this + fine Sextum, these fine Clementinae, these fine Extravagantes. O deific + books! So shall you enjoy glory, honour, exaltation, wealth, dignities, + and preferments in this world; be revered and dreaded by all, preferred, + elected, and chosen above all men. +</p> +<p> + For there is not under the cope of heaven a condition of men out of which + you'll find persons fitter to do and handle all things than those who by + divine prescience, eternal predestination, have applied themselves to the + study of the holy decretals. +</p> +<p> + Would you choose a worthy emperor, a good captain, a fit general in time of + war, one that can well foresee all inconveniences, avoid all dangers, + briskly and bravely bring his men on to a breach or attack, still be on + sure grounds, always overcome without loss of his men, and know how to make + a good use of his victory? Take me a decretist. No, no, I mean a + decretalist. Ho, the foul blunder, whispered Epistemon. +</p> +<p> + Would you, in time of peace, find a man capable of wisely governing the + state of a commonwealth, of a kingdom, of an empire, of a monarchy; + sufficient to maintain the clergy, nobility, senate, and commons in wealth, + friendship, unity, obedience, virtue, and honesty? Take a decretalist. +</p> +<p> + Would you find a man who, by his exemplary life, eloquence, and pious + admonitions, may in a short time, without effusion of human blood, conquer + the Holy Land, and bring over to the holy Church the misbelieving Turks, + Jews, Tartars, Muscovites, Mamelukes, and Sarrabonites? Take me a + decretalist. +</p> +<p> + What makes, in many countries, the people rebellious and depraved, pages + saucy and mischievous, students sottish and duncical? Nothing but that + their governors and tutors were not decretalists. +</p> +<p> + But what, on your conscience, was it, do you think, that established, + confirmed, and authorized those fine religious orders with whom you see the + Christian world everywhere adorned, graced, and illustrated, as the + firmament is with its glorious stars? The holy decretals. +</p> +<p> + What was it that founded, underpropped, and fixed, and now maintains, + nourishes, and feeds the devout monks and friars in convents, monasteries, + and abbeys; so that did they not daily and mightily pray without ceasing, + the world would be in evident danger of returning to its primitive chaos? + The sacred decretals. +</p> +<p> + What makes and daily increases the famous and celebrated patrimony of St. + Peter in plenty of all temporal, corporeal, and spiritual blessings? The + holy decretals. +</p> +<p> + What made the holy apostolic see and pope of Rome, in all times, and at + this present, so dreadful in the universe, that all kings, emperors, + potentates, and lords, willing, nilling, must depend upon him, hold of him, + be crowned, confirmed, and authorized by him, come thither to strike sail, + buckle, and fall down before his holy slipper, whose picture you have seen? + The mighty decretals of God. +</p> +<p> + I will discover you a great secret. The universities of your world have + commonly a book, either open or shut, in their arms and devices; what book + do you think it is? Truly, I do not know, answered Pantagruel; I never + read it. It is the decretals, said Homenas, without which the privileges + of all universities would soon be lost. You must own that I have taught + you this; ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! +</p> +<p> + Here Homenas began to belch, to fart, to funk, to laugh, to slaver, and to + sweat; and then he gave his huge greasy four-cornered cap to one of the + lasses, who clapped it on her pretty head with a great deal of joy, after + she had lovingly bussed it, as a sure token that she should be first + married. Vivat, cried Epistemon, fifat, bibat, pipat. +</p> +<p> + O apocalyptic secret! continued Homenas; light, light, Clerica; light here + with double lanterns. Now for the fruit, virgins. +</p> +<p> + I was saying, then, that giving yourselves thus wholly to the study of the + holy decretals, you will gain wealth and honour in this world. I add, that + in the next you will infallibly be saved in the blessed kingdom of heaven, + whose keys are given to our good god and decretaliarch. O my good god, + whom I adore and never saw, by thy special grace open unto us, at the point + of death at least, this most sacred treasure of our holy Mother Church, + whose protector, preserver, butler, chief-larder, administrator, and + disposer thou art; and take care, I beseech thee, O lord, that the precious + works of supererogation, the goodly pardons, do not fail us in time of + need; so that the devils may not find an opportunity to gripe our precious + souls, and the dreadful jaws of hell may not swallow us. If we must pass + through purgatory thy will be done. It is in thy power to draw us out of + it when thou pleasest. Here Homenas began to shed huge hot briny tears, to + beat his breast, and kiss his thumbs in the shape of a cross. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0054"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LIV.—How Homenas gave Pantagruel some bon-Christian pears. +</h2> +<p> + Epistemon, Friar John, and Panurge, seeing this doleful catastrophe, began, + under the cover of their napkins, to cry Meeow, meeow, meeow; feigning to + wipe their eyes all the while as if they had wept. The wenches were doubly + diligent, and brought brimmers of Clementine wine to every one, besides + store of sweetmeats; and thus the feasting was revived. +</p> +<p> + Before we arose from table, Homenas gave us a great quantity of fair large + pears, saying, Here, my good friends, these are singular good pears. You + will find none such anywhere else, I dare warrant. Every soil bears not + everything, you know. India alone boasts black ebony; the best incense is + produced in Sabaea; the sphragitid earth at Lemnos; so this island is the + only place where such fine pears grow. You may, if you please, make + seminaries with their pippins in your country. +</p> +<p> + I like their taste extremely, said Pantagruel. If they were sliced, and + put into a pan on the fire with wine and sugar, I fancy they would be very + wholesome meat for the sick, as well as for the healthy. Pray what do you + call 'em? No otherwise than you have heard, replied Homenas. We are a + plain downright sort of people, as God would have it, and call figs, figs; + plums, plums; and pears, pears. Truly, said Pantagruel, if I live to go + home—which I hope will be speedily, God willing—I'll set off and graff + some in my garden in Touraine, by the banks of the Loire, and will call + them bon-Christian or good-Christian pears, for I never saw better + Christians than are these good Papimans. I would like him two to one + better yet, said Friar John, would he but give us two or three cartloads of + yon buxom lasses. Why, what would you do with them? cried Homenas. Quoth + Friar John, No harm, only bleed the kind-hearted souls straight between the + two great toes with certain clever lancets of the right stamp; by which + operation good Christian children would be inoculated upon them, and the + breed be multiplied in our country, in which there are not many over-good, + the more's the pity. +</p> +<p> + Nay, verily, replied Homenas, we cannot do this; for you would make them + tread their shoes awry, crack their pipkins, and spoil their shapes. You + love mutton, I see; you will run at sheep. I know you by that same nose + and hair of yours, though I never saw your face before. Alas! alas! how + kind you are! And would you indeed damn your precious soul? Our decretals + forbid this. Ah, I wish you had them at your finger's-end. Patience, said + Friar John; but, si tu non vis dare, praesta, quaesumus. Matter of + breviary. As for that, I defy all the world, and I fear no man that wears + a head and a hood, though he were a crystalline, I mean a decretaline + doctor. +</p> +<p> + Dinner being over, we took our leave of the right reverend Homenas, and of + all the good people, humbly giving thanks; and, to make them amends for + their kind entertainment, promised them that, at our coming to Rome, we + would make our applications so effectually to the pope that he would + speedily be sure to come to visit them in person. After this we went + o'board. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel, by an act of generosity, and as an acknowledgment of the sight + of the pope's picture, gave Homenas nine pieces of double friezed cloth of + gold to be set before the grates of the window. He also caused the church + box for its repairs and fabric to be quite filled with double crowns of + gold; and ordered nine hundred and fourteen angels to be delivered to each + of the lasses who had waited at table, to buy them husbands when they could + get them. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0055"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LV.—How Pantagruel, being at sea, heard various unfrozen words. +</h2> +<p> + When we were at sea, junketting, tippling, discoursing, and telling + stories, Pantagruel rose and stood up to look out; then asked us, Do you + hear nothing, gentlemen? Methinks I hear some people talking in the air, + yet I can see nobody. Hark! According to his command we listened, and + with full ears sucked in the air as some of you suck oysters, to find if we + could hear some sound scattered through the sky; and to lose none of it, + like the Emperor Antoninus some of us laid their hands hollow next to their + ears; but all this would not do, nor could we hear any voice. Yet + Pantagruel continued to assure us he heard various voices in the air, some + of men, and some of women. +</p> +<p> + At last we began to fancy that we also heard something, or at least that + our ears tingled; and the more we listened, the plainer we discerned the + voices, so as to distinguish articulate sounds. This mightily frightened + us, and not without cause; since we could see nothing, yet heard such + various sounds and voices of men, women, children, horses, &c., insomuch + that Panurge cried out, Cods-belly, there is no fooling with the devil; we + are all beshit, let's fly. There is some ambuscado hereabouts. Friar + John, art thou here my love? I pray thee, stay by me, old boy. Hast thou + got thy swindging tool? See that it do not stick in thy scabbard; thou + never scourest it half as it should be. We are undone. Hark! They are + guns, gad judge me. Let's fly, I do not say with hands and feet, as Brutus + said at the battle of Pharsalia; I say, with sails and oars. Let's whip it + away. I never find myself to have a bit of courage at sea; in cellars and + elsewhere I have more than enough. Let's fly and save our bacon. I do not + say this for any fear that I have; for I dread nothing but danger, that I + don't; I always say it that shouldn't. The free archer of Baignolet said + as much. Let us hazard nothing, therefore, I say, lest we come off bluely. + Tack about, helm a-lee, thou son of a bachelor. Would I were now well in + Quinquenais, though I were never to marry. Haste away, let's make all the + sail we can. They'll be too hard for us; we are not able to cope with + them; they are ten to our one, I'll warrant you. Nay, and they are on + their dunghill, while we do not know the country. They will be the death + of us. We'll lose no honour by flying. Demosthenes saith that the man + that runs away may fight another day. At least let us retreat to the + leeward. Helm a-lee; bring the main-tack aboard, haul the bowlines, hoist + the top-gallants. We are all dead men; get off, in the devil's name, get + off. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel, hearing the sad outcry which Panurge made, said, Who talks of + flying? Let's first see who they are; perhaps they may be friends. I can + discover nobody yet, though I can see a hundred miles round me. But let's + consider a little. I have read that a philosopher named Petron was of + opinion that there were several worlds that touched each other in an + equilateral triangle; in whose centre, he said, was the dwelling of truth; + and that the words, ideas, copies, and images of all things past and to + come resided there; round which was the age; and that with success of time + part of them used to fall on mankind like rheums and mildews, just as the + dew fell on Gideon's fleece, till the age was fulfilled. +</p> +<p> + I also remember, continued he, that Aristotle affirms Homer's words to be + flying, moving, and consequently animated. Besides, Antiphanes said that + Plato's philosophy was like words which, being spoken in some country + during a hard winter, are immediately congealed, frozen up, and not heard; + for what Plato taught young lads could hardly be understood by them when + they were grown old. Now, continued he, we should philosophize and search + whether this be not the place where those words are thawed. +</p> +<p> + You would wonder very much should this be the head and lyre of Orpheus. + When the Thracian women had torn him to pieces they threw his head and lyre + into the river Hebrus, down which they floated to the Euxine sea as far as + the island of Lesbos; the head continually uttering a doleful song, as it + were lamenting the death of Orpheus, and the lyre, with the wind's impulse + moving its strings and harmoniously accompanying the voice. Let's see if + we cannot discover them hereabouts. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0056"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LVI.—How among the frozen words Pantagruel found some odd ones. +</h2> +<p> + The skipper made answer: Be not afraid, my lord; we are on the confines of + the Frozen Sea, on which, about the beginning of last winter, happened a + great and bloody fight between the Arimaspians and the Nephelibates. Then + the words and cries of men and women, the hacking, slashing, and hewing of + battle-axes, the shocking, knocking, and jolting of armours and harnesses, + the neighing of horses, and all other martial din and noise, froze in the + air; and now, the rigour of the winter being over, by the succeeding + serenity and warmth of the weather they melt and are heard. +</p> +<p> + By jingo, quoth Panurge, the man talks somewhat like. I believe him. But + couldn't we see some of 'em? I think I have read that, on the edge of the + mountain on which Moses received the Judaic law, the people saw the voices + sensibly. Here, here, said Pantagruel, here are some that are not yet + thawed. He then threw us on the deck whole handfuls of frozen words, which + seemed to us like your rough sugar-plums, of many colours, like those used + in heraldry; some words gules (this means also jests and merry sayings), + some vert, some azure, some black, some or (this means also fair words); + and when we had somewhat warmed them between our hands, they melted like + snow, and we really heard them, but could not understand them, for it was a + barbarous gibberish. One of them only, that was pretty big, having been + warmed between Friar John's hands, gave a sound much like that of chestnuts + when they are thrown into the fire without being first cut, which made us + all start. This was the report of a field-piece in its time, cried Friar + John. +</p> +<p> + Panurge prayed Pantagruel to give him some more; but Pantagruel told him + that to give words was the part of a lover. Sell me some then, I pray you, + cried Panurge. That's the part of a lawyer, returned Pantagruel. I would + sooner sell you silence, though at a dearer rate; as Demosthenes formerly + sold it by the means of his argentangina, or silver squinsy. +</p> +<p> + However, he threw three or four handfuls of them on the deck; among which I + perceived some very sharp words, and some bloody words, which the pilot + said used sometimes to go back and recoil to the place whence they came, + but it was with a slit weasand. We also saw some terrible words, and some + others not very pleasant to the eye. +</p> +<p> + When they had been all melted together, we heard a strange noise, hin, hin, + hin, hin, his, tick, tock, taack, bredelinbrededack, frr, frr, frr, bou, + bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, track, track, trr, trr, trr, trrr, + trrrrrr, on, on, on, on, on, on, ououououon, gog, magog, and I do not know + what other barbarous words, which the pilot said were the noise made by the + charging squadrons, the shock and neighing of horses. +</p> +<p> + Then we heard some large ones go off like drums and fifes, and others like + clarions and trumpets. Believe me, we had very good sport with them. I + would fain have saved some merry odd words, and have preserved them in oil, + as ice and snow are kept, and between clean straw. But Pantagruel would + not let me, saying that 'tis a folly to hoard up what we are never like to + want or have always at hand, odd, quaint, merry, and fat words of gules + never being scarce among all good and jovial Pantagruelists. +</p> +<p> + Panurge somewhat vexed Friar John, and put him in the pouts; for he took + him at his word while he dreamed of nothing less. This caused the friar to + threaten him with such a piece of revenge as was put upon G. Jousseaume, + who having taken the merry Patelin at his word when he had overbid himself + in some cloth, was afterwards fairly taken by the horns like a bullock by + his jovial chapman, whom he took at his word like a man. Panurge, well + knowing that threatened folks live long, bobbed and made mouths at him in + token of derision, then cried, Would I had here the word of the Holy + Bottle, without being thus obliged to go further in pilgrimage to her. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0057"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LVII.—How Pantagruel went ashore at the dwelling of Gaster, the first master of arts in the world. +</h2> +<p> + That day Pantagruel went ashore in an island which, for situation and + governor, may be said not to have its fellow. When you just come into it, + you find it rugged, craggy, and barren, unpleasant to the eye, painful to + the feet, and almost as inaccessible as the mountain of Dauphine, which is + somewhat like a toadstool, and was never climbed as any can remember by any + but Doyac, who had the charge of King Charles the Eighth's train of + artillery. +</p> +<p> + This same Doyac with strange tools and engines gained that mountain's top, + and there he found an old ram. It puzzled many a wise head to guess how it + got thither. Some said that some eagle or great horncoot, having carried + it thither while it was yet a lambkin, it had got away and saved itself + among the bushes. +</p> +<p> + As for us, having with much toil and sweat overcome the difficult ways at + the entrance, we found the top of the mountain so fertile, healthful, and + pleasant, that I thought I was then in the true garden of Eden, or earthly + paradise, about whose situation our good theologues are in such a quandary + and keep such a pother. +</p> +<p> + As for Pantagruel, he said that here was the seat of Arete—that is as much + as to say, virtue—described by Hesiod. This, however, with submission to + better judgments. The ruler of this place was one Master Gaster, the first + master of arts in this world. For, if you believe that fire is the great + master of arts, as Tully writes, you very much wrong him and yourself; + alas! Tully never believed this. On the other side, if you fancy Mercury + to be the first inventor of arts, as our ancient Druids believed of old, + you are mightily beside the mark. The satirist's sentence, that affirms + Master Gaster to be the master of all arts, is true. With him peacefully + resided old goody Penia, alias Poverty, the mother of the ninety-nine + Muses, on whom Porus, the lord of Plenty, formerly begot Love, that noble + child, the mediator of heaven and earth, as Plato affirms in Symposio. +</p> +<p> + We were all obliged to pay our homage and swear allegiance to that mighty + sovereign; for he is imperious, severe, blunt, hard, uneasy, inflexible; + you cannot make him believe, represent to him, or persuade him anything. +</p> +<p> + He does not hear; and as the Egyptians said that Harpocrates, the god of + silence, named Sigalion in Greek, was astome, that is, without a mouth, so + Gaster was created without ears, even like the image of Jupiter in Candia. +</p> +<p> + He only speaks by signs, but those signs are more readily obeyed by + everyone than the statutes of senates or commands of monarchs. Neither + will he admit the least let or delay in his summons. You say that when a + lion roars all the beasts at a considerable distance round about, as far as + his roar can be heard, are seized with a shivering. This is written, it is + true, I have seen it. I assure you that at Master Gaster's command the very + heavens tremble, and all the earth shakes. His command is called, Do this + or die. Needs must when the devil drives; there's no gainsaying of it. +</p> +<p> + The pilot was telling us how, on a certain time, after the manner of the + members that mutinied against the belly, as Aesop describes it, the whole + kingdom of the Somates went off into a direct faction against Gaster, + resolving to throw off his yoke; but they soon found their mistake, and + most humbly submitted, for otherwise they had all been famished. +</p> +<p> + What company soever he is in, none dispute with him for precedence or + superiority; he still goes first, though kings, emperors, or even the pope, + were there. So he held the first place at the council of Basle; though + some will tell you that the council was tumultuous by the contention and + ambition of many for priority. +</p> +<p> + Everyone is busied and labours to serve him, and indeed, to make amends for + this, he does this good to mankind, as to invent for them all arts, + machines, trades, engines, and crafts; he even instructs brutes in arts + which are against their nature, making poets of ravens, jackdaws, + chattering jays, parrots, and starlings, and poetesses of magpies, teaching + them to utter human language, speak, and sing; and all for the gut. He + reclaims and tames eagles, gerfalcons, falcons gentle, sakers, lanners, + goshawks, sparrowhawks, merlins, haggards, passengers, wild rapacious + birds; so that, setting them free in the air whenever he thinks fit, as + high and as long as he pleases, he keeps them suspended, straying, flying, + hovering, and courting him above the clouds. Then on a sudden he makes + them stoop, and come down amain from heaven next to the ground; and all for + the gut. +</p> +<p> + Elephants, lions, rhinoceroses, bears, horses, mares, and dogs, he teaches + to dance, prance, vault, fight, swim, hide themselves, fetch and carry what + he pleases; and all for the gut. +</p> +<p> + Salt and fresh-water fish, whales, and the monsters of the main, he brings + them up from the bottom of the deep; wolves he forces out of the woods, + bears out of the rocks, foxes out of their holes, and serpents out of the + ground, and all for the gut. +</p> +<p> + In short, he is so unruly, that in his rage he devours all men and beasts; + as was seen among the Vascons, when Q. Metellus besieged them in the + Sertorian wars, among the Saguntines besieged by Hannibal; among the Jews + besieged by the Romans, and six hundred more; and all for the gut. When + his regent Penia takes a progress, wherever she moves all senates are shut + up, all statutes repealed, all orders and proclamations vain; she knows, + obeys, and has no law. All shun her, in every place choosing rather to + expose themselves to shipwreck at sea, and venture through fire, rocks, + caves, and precipices, than be seized by that most dreadful tormentor. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0058"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LVIII.—How, at the court of the master of ingenuity, Pantagruel detested the Engastrimythes and the Gastrolaters. +</h2> +<p> + At the court of that great master of ingenuity, Pantagruel observed two + sorts of troublesome and too officious apparitors, whom he very much + detested. The first were called Engastrimythes; the others, Gastrolaters. +</p> +<p> + The first pretended to be descended of the ancient race of Eurycles, and + for this brought the authority of Aristophanes in his comedy called the + Wasps; whence of old they were called Euryclians, as Plato writes, and + Plutarch in his book of the Cessation of Oracles. In the holy decrees, 26, + qu. 3, they are styled Ventriloqui; and the same name is given them in + Ionian by Hippocrates, in his fifth book of Epid., as men who speak from + the belly. Sophocles calls them Sternomantes. These were soothsayers, + enchanters, cheats, who gulled the mob, and seemed not to speak and give + answers from the mouth, but from the belly. +</p> +<p> + Such a one, about the year of our Lord 1513, was Jacoba Rodogina, an + Italian woman of mean extract; from whose belly we, as well as an infinite + number of others at Ferrara and elsewhere, have often heard the voice of + the evil spirit speak, low, feeble, and small, indeed, but yet very + distinct, articulate, and intelligible, when she was sent for out of + curiosity by the lords and princes of the Cisalpine Gaul. To remove all + manner of doubt, and be assured that this was not a trick, they used to + have her stripped stark naked, and caused her mouth and nose to be stopped. + This evil spirit would be called Curled-pate, or Cincinnatulo, seeming + pleased when any called him by that name, at which he was always ready to + answer. If any spoke to him of things past or present, he gave pertinent + answers, sometimes to the amazement of the hearers; but if of things to + come, then the devil was gravelled, and used to lie as fast as a dog can + trot. Nay, sometimes he seemed to own his ignorance, instead of an answer + letting out a rousing fart, or muttering some words with barbarous and + uncouth inflexions, and not to be understood. +</p> +<p> + As for the Gastrolaters, they stuck close to one another in knots and + gangs. Some of them merry, wanton, and soft as so many milk-sops; others + louring, grim, dogged, demure, and crabbed; all idle, mortal foes to + business, spending half their time in sleeping and the rest in doing + nothing, a rent-charge and dead unnecessary weight on the earth, as Hesiod + saith; afraid, as we judged, of offending or lessening their paunch. + Others were masked, disguised, and so oddly dressed that it would have done + you good to have seen them. +</p> +<p> + There's a saying, and several ancient sages write, that the skill of nature + appears wonderful in the pleasure which she seems to have taken in the + configuration of sea-shells, so great is their variety in figures, colours, + streaks, and inimitable shapes. I protest the variety we perceived in the + dresses of the gastrolatrous coquillons was not less. They all owned + Gaster for their supreme god, adored him as a god, offered him sacrifices + as to their omnipotent deity, owned no other god, served, loved, and + honoured him above all things. +</p> +<p> + You would have thought that the holy apostle spoke of those when he said + (Phil. chap. 3), Many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you + even weeping, that they are enemies of the cross of Christ: whose end is + destruction, whose God is their belly. Pantagruel compared them to the + Cyclops Polyphemus, whom Euripides brings in speaking thus: I only + sacrifice to myself—not to the gods—and to this belly of mine, the + greatest of all the gods. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0059"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LIX.—Of the ridiculous statue Manduce; and how and what the Gastrolaters sacrifice to their ventripotent god. +</h2> + +<p> + While we fed our eyes with the sight of the phizzes and actions of these + lounging gulligutted Gastrolaters, we on a sudden heard the sound of a + musical instrument called a bell; at which all of them placed themselves in + rank and file as for some mighty battle, everyone according to his office, + degree, and seniority. +</p> +<p> + In this order they moved towards Master Gaster, after a plump, young, + lusty, gorbellied fellow, who on a long staff fairly gilt carried a wooden + statue, grossly carved, and as scurvily daubed over with paint; such a one + as Plautus, Juvenal, and Pomp. Festus describe it. At Lyons during the + Carnival it is called Maschecroute or Gnawcrust; they call'd this Manduce. +</p> +<p> + It was a monstrous, ridiculous, hideous figure, fit to fright little + children; its eyes were bigger than its belly, and its head larger than all + the rest of its body; well mouth-cloven however, having a goodly pair of + wide, broad jaws, lined with two rows of teeth, upper tier and under tier, + which, by the magic of a small twine hid in the hollow part of the golden + staff, were made to clash, clatter, and rattle dreadfully one against + another; as they do at Metz with St. Clement's dragon. +</p> +<p> + Coming near the Gastrolaters I saw they were followed by a great number of + fat waiters and tenders, laden with baskets, dossers, hampers, dishes, + wallets, pots, and kettles. Then, under the conduct of Manduce, and + singing I do not know what dithyrambics, crepalocomes, and epenons, opening + their baskets and pots, they offered their god: +</p> +<pre> +White hippocras, Fricassees, nine Cold loins of veal, + with dry toasts. sorts. with spice. +White bread. Monastical brewis. Zinziberine. +Brown bread. Gravy soup. Beatille pies. +Carbonadoes, six Hotch-pots. Brewis. + sorts. Soft bread. Marrow-bones, toast, +Brawn. Household bread. and cabbage. +Sweetbreads. Capirotadoes. Hashes. +</pre> +<p> + Eternal drink intermixed. Brisk delicate white wine led the van; claret + and champagne followed, cool, nay, as cold as the very ice, I say, filled + and offered in large silver cups. Then they offered: +</p> +<pre> +Chitterlings, gar- Chines and peas. Hams. + nished with mus- Hog's haslets. Brawn heads. + tard. Scotch collops. Powdered venison, +Sausages. Puddings. with turnips. +Neats' tongues. Cervelats. Pickled olives. +Hung beef. Bologna sausages. +</pre> +<p> + All this associated with sempiternal liquor. Then they housed within his + muzzle: +</p> +<pre> +Legs of mutton, with Ribs of pork, with Caponets. + shallots. onion sauce. Caviare and toast. +Olias. Roast capons, basted Fawns, deer. +Lumber pies, with with their own Hares, leverets. + hot sauce. dripping. Plovers. +Partridges and young Flamingoes. Herons, and young + partridges. Cygnets. herons. +Dwarf-herons. A reinforcement of Olives. +Teals. vinegar intermixed. Thrushes. +Duckers. Venison pasties. Young sea-ravens. +Bitterns. Lark pies. Geese, goslings. +Shovellers. Dormice pies. Queests. +Curlews. Cabretto pasties. Widgeons. +Wood-hens. Roebuck pasties. Mavises. +Coots, with leeks. Pigeon pies. Grouses. +Fat kids. Kid pasties. Turtles. +Shoulders of mutton, Capon pies. Doe-coneys. + with capers. Bacon pies. Hedgehogs. +Sirloins of beef. Soused hog's feet. Snites. +Breasts of veal. Fried pasty-crust. Then large puffs. +Pheasants and phea- Forced capons. Thistle-finches. + sant poots. Parmesan cheese. Whore's farts. +Peacocks. Red and pale hip- Fritters. +Storks. pocras. Cakes, sixteen sorts. +Woodcocks. Gold-peaches. Crisp wafers. +Snipes. Artichokes. Quince tarts. +Ortolans. Dry and wet sweet- Curds and cream. +Turkey cocks, hen meats, seventy- Whipped cream. + turkeys, and turkey eight sorts. Preserved mirabo- + poots. Boiled hens, and fat lans. +Stock-doves, and capons marinated. Jellies. + wood-culvers. Pullets, with eggs. Welsh barrapyclids. +Pigs, with wine sauce. Chickens. Macaroons. +Blackbirds, ousels, and Rabbits, and sucking Tarts, twenty sorts. + rails. rabbits. Lemon cream, rasp- +Moorhens. Quails, and young berry cream, &c. +Bustards, and bustard quails. Comfits, one hundred + poots. Pigeons, squabs, and colours. +Fig-peckers. squeakers. Cream wafers. +Young Guinea hens. Fieldfares. Cream cheese. +</pre> +<p> + Vinegar brought up the rear to wash the mouth, and for fear of the squinsy; + also toasts to scour the grinders. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0060"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LX.—What the Gastrolaters sacrificed to their god on interlarded fish-days. +</h2> +<p> + Pantagruel did not like this pack of rascally scoundrels with their + manifold kitchen sacrifices, and would have been gone had not Epistemon + prevailed with him to stay and see the end of the farce. He then asked the + skipper what the idle lobcocks used to sacrifice to their gorbellied god on + interlarded fish-days. For his first course, said the skipper, they gave + him: +</p> +<pre> +Caviare. tops, bishop's-cods, Red herrings. +Botargoes. celery, chives, ram- Pilchards. +Fresh butter. pions, jew's-ears (a Anchovies. +Pease soup. sort of mushrooms Fry of tunny. +Spinach. that sprout out of Cauliflowers. +Fresh herrings, full old elders), spara- Beans. + roed. gus, wood-bind, Salt salmon. +Salads, a hundred and a world of Pickled grigs. + varieties, of cres- others. Oysters in the shell. + ses, sodden hop- +</pre> +<p> + Then he must drink, or the devil would gripe him at the throat; this, + therefore, they take care to prevent, and nothing is wanting. Which being + done, they give him lampreys with hippocras sauce: +</p> +<pre> +Gurnards. Thornbacks. Fried oysters. +Salmon trouts. Sleeves. Cockles. +Barbels, great and Sturgeons. Prawns. + small. Sheath-fish. Smelts. +Roaches. Mackerels. Rock-fish. +Cockerels. Maids. Gracious lords. +Minnows. Plaice. Sword-fish. +Skate-fish. Sharplings. Soles. +Lamprels. Tunnies. Mussels. +Jegs. Silver eels. Lobsters. +Pickerels. Chevins. Great prawns. +Golden carps. Crayfish. Dace. +Burbates. Pallours. Bleaks. +Salmons. Shrimps. Tenches. +Salmon-peels. Congers. Ombres. +Dolphins. Porpoises. Fresh cods. +Barn trouts. Bases. Dried melwels. +Miller's-thumbs. Shads. Darefish. +Precks. Murenes, a sort of Fausens, and grigs. +Bret-fish. lampreys. Eel-pouts. +Flounders. Graylings. Tortoises. +Sea-nettles. Smys. Serpents, i.e. wood- +Mullets. Turbots. eels. +Gudgeons. Trout, not above a Dories. +Dabs and sandings. foot long. Moor-game. +Haddocks. Salmons. Perches. +Carps. Meagers. Loaches. +Pikes. Sea-breams. Crab-fish. +Bottitoes. Halibuts. Snails and whelks. +Rochets. Dog's tongue, or kind Frogs. +Sea-bears. fool. +</pre> +<p> + If, when he had crammed all this down his guttural trapdoor, he did not + immediately make the fish swim again in his paunch, death would pack him + off in a trice. Special care is taken to antidote his godship with + vine-tree syrup. Then is sacrificed to him haberdines, poor-jack, + minglemangled, mismashed, &c. +</p> +<pre> +Eggs fried, beaten, sliced, roasted in Green-fish. + buttered, poached, the embers, tossed Sea-batts. + hardened, boiled, in the chimney, &c. Cod's sounds. + broiled, stewed, Stock-fish. Sea-pikes. +</pre> +<p> + Which to concoct and digest the more easily, vinegar is multiplied. For + the latter part of their sacrifices they offer: +</p> +<pre> +Rice milk, and hasty Stewed prunes, and Raisins. + pudding. baked bullace. Dates. +Buttered wheat, and Pistachios, or fistic Chestnut and wal- + flummery. nuts. nuts. +Water-gruel, and Figs. Filberts. + milk-porridge. Almond butter. Parsnips. +Frumenty and bonny Skirret root. Artichokes. + clamber. White-pot. + Perpetuity of soaking with the whole. +</pre> +<p> + It was none of their fault, I will assure you, if this same god of theirs + was not publicly, preciously, and plentifully served in the sacrifices, + better yet than Heliogabalus's idol; nay, more than Bel and the Dragon in + Babylon, under King Belshazzar. Yet Gaster had the manners to own that he + was no god, but a poor, vile, wretched creature. And as King Antigonus, + first of the name, when one Hermodotus (as poets will flatter, especially + princes) in some of his fustian dubbed him a god, and made the sun adopt + him for his son, said to him: My lasanophore (or, in plain English, my + groom of the close-stool) can give thee the lie; so Master Gaster very + civilly used to send back his bigoted worshippers to his close-stool, to + see, smell, taste, philosophize, and examine what kind of divinity they + could pick out of his sir-reverence. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0061"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LXI.—How Gaster invented means to get and preserve corn. +</h2> +<p> + Those gastrolatrous hobgoblins being withdrawn, Pantagruel carefully minded + the famous master of arts, Gaster. You know that, by the institution of + nature, bread has been assigned him for provision and food; and that, as an + addition to this blessing, he should never want the means to get bread. +</p> +<p> + Accordingly, from the beginning he invented the smith's art, and husbandry + to manure the ground, that it might yield him corn; he invented arms and + the art of war to defend corn; physic and astronomy, with other parts of + mathematics which might be useful to keep corn a great number of years in + safety from the injuries of the air, beasts, robbers, and purloiners; he + invented water, wind, and handmills, and a thousand other engines to grind + corn and to turn it into meal; leaven to make the dough ferment, and the + use of salt to give it a savour; for he knew that nothing bred more + diseases than heavy, unleavened, unsavoury bread. +</p> +<p> + He found a way to get fire to bake it; hour-glasses, dials, and clocks to + mark the time of its baking; and as some countries wanted corn, he + contrived means to convey some out of one country into another. +</p> +<p> + He had the wit to pimp for asses and mares, animals of different species, + that they might copulate for the generation of a third, which we call + mules, more strong and fit for hard service than the other two. He + invented carts and waggons to draw him along with greater ease; and as seas + and rivers hindered his progress, he devised boats, galleys, and ships (to + the astonishment of the elements) to waft him over to barbarous, unknown, + and far distant nations, thence to bring, or thither to carry corn. +</p> +<p> + Besides, seeing that when he had tilled the ground, some years the corn + perished in it for want of rain in due season, in others rotted or was + drowned by its excess, sometimes spoiled by hail, eat by worms in the ear, + or beaten down by storms, and so his stock was destroyed on the ground; we + were told that ever since the days of yore he has found out a way to + conjure the rain down from heaven only with cutting certain grass, common + enough in the field, yet known to very few, some of which was then shown + us. I took it to be the same as the plant, one of whose boughs being + dipped by Jove's priest in the Agrian fountain on the Lycian mountain in + Arcadia, in time of drought raised vapours which gathered into clouds, and + then dissolved into rain that kindly moistened the whole country. +</p> +<p> + Our master of arts was also said to have found a way to keep the rain up in + the air, and make it to fall into the sea; also to annihilate the hail, + suppress the winds, and remove storms as the Methanensians of Troezene used + to do. And as in the fields thieves and plunderers sometimes stole and + took by force the corn and bread which others had toiled to get, he + invented the art of building towns, forts, and castles, to hoard and secure + that staff of life. On the other hand, finding none in the fields, and + hearing that it was hoarded up and secured in towns, forts, and castles, + and watched with more care than ever were the golden pippins of the + Hesperides, he turned engineer, and found ways to beat, storm, and demolish + forts and castles with machines and warlike thunderbolts, battering-rams, + ballists, and catapults, whose shapes were shown to us, not over-well + understood by our engineers, architects, and other disciples of Vitruvius; + as Master Philibert de l'Orme, King Megistus's principal architect, has + owned to us. +</p> +<p> + And seeing that sometimes all these tools of destruction were baffled by + the cunning subtlety or the subtle cunning (which you please) of + fortifiers, he lately invented cannons, field-pieces, culverins, bombards, + basiliskos, murdering instruments that dart iron, leaden, and brazen balls, + some of them outweighing huge anvils. This by the means of a most dreadful + powder, whose hellish compound and effect has even amazed nature, and made + her own herself outdone by art, the Oxydracian thunders, hails, and storms + by which the people of that name immediately destroyed their enemies in the + field being but mere potguns to these. For one of our great guns when used + is more dreadful, more terrible, more diabolical, and maims, tears, breaks, + slays, mows down, and sweeps away more men, and causes a greater + consternation and destruction than a hundred thunderbolts. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0062"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LXII.—How Gaster invented an art to avoid being hurt or touched by cannon-balls. +</h2> +<p> + Gaster having secured himself with his corn within strongholds, has + sometimes been attacked by enemies; his fortresses, by that thrice + threefold cursed instrument, levelled and destroyed; his dearly beloved + corn and bread snatched out of his mouth and sacked by a titanic force; + therefore he then sought means to preserve his walls, bastions, rampiers, + and sconces from cannon-shot, and to hinder the bullets from hitting him, + stopping them in their flight, or at least from doing him or the besieged + walls any damage. He showed us a trial of this which has been since used + by Fronton, and is now common among the pastimes and harmless recreations + of the Thelemites. I will tell you how he went to work, and pray for the + future be a little more ready to believe what Plutarch affirms to have + tried. Suppose a herd of goats were all scampering as if the devil drove + them, do but put a bit of eringo into the mouth of the hindmost nanny, and + they will all stop stock still in the time you can tell three. +</p> +<p> + Thus Gaster, having caused a brass falcon to be charged with a sufficient + quantity of gunpowder well purged from its sulphur, and curiously made up + with fine camphor, he then had a suitable ball put into the piece, with + twenty-four little pellets like hail-shot, some round, some pearl fashion; + then taking his aim and levelling it at a page of his, as if he would have + hit him on the breast. About sixty strides off the piece, halfway between + it and the page in a right line, he hanged on a gibbet by a rope a very + large siderite or iron-like stone, otherwise called herculean, formerly + found on Ida in Phrygia by one Magnes, as Nicander writes, and commonly + called loadstone; then he gave fire to the prime on the piece's touch-hole, + which in an instant consuming the powder, the ball and hail-shot were with + incredible violence and swiftness hurried out of the gun at its muzzle, + that the air might penetrate to its chamber, where otherwise would have + been a vacuum, which nature abhors so much, that this universal machine, + heaven, air, land, and sea, would sooner return to the primitive chaos than + admit the least void anywhere. Now the ball and small shot, which + threatened the page with no less than quick destruction, lost their + impetuosity and remained suspended and hovering round the stone; nor did + any of them, notwithstanding the fury with which they rushed, reach the + page. +</p> +<p> + Master Gaster could do more than all this yet, if you will believe me; for + he invented a way how to cause bullets to fly backwards, and recoil on + those that sent them with as great a force, and in the very numerical + parallel for which the guns were planted. And indeed, why should he have + thought this difficult? seeing the herb ethiopis opens all locks + whatsoever, and an echinus or remora, a silly weakly fish, in spite of all + the winds that blow from the thirty-two points of the compass, will in the + midst of a hurricane make you the biggest first-rate remain stock still, as + if she were becalmed or the blustering tribe had blown their last. Nay, + and with the flesh of that fish, preserved with salt, you may fish gold out + of the deepest well that was ever sounded with a plummet; for it will + certainly draw up the precious metal, since Democritus affirmed it. + Theophrastus believed and experienced that there was an herb at whose + single touch an iron wedge, though never so far driven into a huge log of + the hardest wood that is, would presently come out; and it is this same + herb your hickways, alias woodpeckers, use, when with some mighty axe + anyone stops up the hole of their nests, which they industriously dig and + make in the trunk of some sturdy tree. Since stags and hinds, when deeply + wounded with darts, arrows, and bolts, if they do but meet the herb called + dittany, which is common in Candia, and eat a little of it, presently the + shafts come out and all is well again; even as kind Venus cured her beloved + byblow Aeneas when he was wounded on the right thigh with an arrow by + Juturna, Turnus's sister. Since the very wind of laurels, fig-trees, or + sea-calves makes the thunder sheer off insomuch that it never strikes them. + Since at the sight of a ram, mad elephants recover their former senses. + Since mad bulls coming near wild fig-trees, called caprifici, grow tame, + and will not budge a foot, as if they had the cramp. Since the venomous + rage of vipers is assuaged if you but touch them with a beechen bough. + Since also Euphorion writes that in the isle of Samos, before Juno's temple + was built there, he has seen some beasts called neades, whose voice made + the neighbouring places gape and sink into a chasm and abyss. In short, + since elders grow of a more pleasing sound, and fitter to make flutes, in + such places where the crowing of cocks is not heard, as the ancient sages + have writ and Theophrastus relates; as if the crowing of a cock dulled, + flattened, and perverted the wood of the elder, as it is said to astonish + and stupify with fear that strong and resolute animal, a lion. I know that + some have understood this of wild elder, that grows so far from towns or + villages that the crowing of cocks cannot reach near it; and doubtless that + sort ought to be preferred to the stenching common elder that grows about + decayed and ruined places; but others have understood this in a higher + sense, not literal, but allegorical, according to the method of the + Pythagoreans, as when it was said that Mercury's statue could not be made + of every sort of wood; to which sentence they gave this sense, that God is + not to be worshipped in a vulgar form, but in a chosen and religious + manner. In the same manner, by this elder which grows far from places + where cocks are heard, the ancients meant that the wise and studious ought + not to give their minds to trivial or vulgar music, but to that which is + celestial, divine, angelical, more abstracted, and brought from remoter + parts, that is, from a region where the crowing of cocks is not heard; for, + to denote a solitary and unfrequented place, we say cocks are never heard + to crow there. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0063"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LXIII.—How Pantagruel fell asleep near the island of Chaneph, and of the problems proposed to be solved when he waked. +</h2> +<a name="image-0018"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/4-63-524.jpg" height="460" width="550" +alt="We Were All out of Sorts--4-63-524 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + The next day, merrily pursuing our voyage, we came in sight of the island + of Chaneph, where Pantagruel's ship could not arrive, the wind chopping + about, and then failing us so that we were becalmed, and could hardly get + ahead, tacking about from starboard to larboard, and larboard to starboard, + though to our sails we added drabblers. +</p> +<p> + With this accident we were all out of sorts, moping, drooping, + metagrabolized, as dull as dun in the mire, in C sol fa ut flat, out of + tune, off the hinges, and I-don't-know-howish, without caring to speak one + single syllable to each other. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel was taking a nap, slumbering and nodding on the quarter-deck by + the cuddy, with an Heliodorus in his hand; for still it was his custom to + sleep better by book than by heart. +</p> +<p> + Epistemon was conjuring, with his astrolabe, to know what latitude we were + in. +</p> +<p> + Friar John was got into the cook-room, examining, by the ascendant of the + spits and the horoscope of ragouts and fricassees, what time of day it + might then be. +</p> +<p> + Panurge (sweet baby!) held a stalk of Pantagruelions, alias hemp, next his + tongue, and with it made pretty bubbles and bladders. +</p> +<p> + Gymnast was making tooth-pickers with lentisk. +</p> +<p> + Ponocrates, dozing, dozed, and dreaming, dreamed; tickled himself to make + himself laugh, and with one finger scratched his noddle where it did not + itch. +</p> +<p> + Carpalin, with a nutshell and a trencher of verne (that's a card in + Gascony), was making a pretty little merry windmill, cutting the card + longways into four slips, and fastening them with a pin to the convex of + the nut, and its concave to the tarred side of the gunnel of the ship. +</p> +<p> + Eusthenes, bestriding one of the guns, was playing on it with his fingers + as if it had been a trump-marine. +</p> +<p> + Rhizotome, with the soft coat of a field tortoise, alias ycleped a mole, + was making himself a velvet purse. +</p> +<p> + Xenomanes was patching up an old weather-beaten lantern with a hawk's + jesses. +</p> +<p> + Our pilot (good man!) was pulling maggots out of the seamen's noses. +</p> +<p> + At last Friar John, returning from the forecastle, perceived that + Pantagruel was awake. Then breaking this obstinate silence, he briskly and + cheerfully asked him how a man should kill time, and raise good weather, + during a calm at sea. +</p> +<p> + Panurge, whose belly thought his throat cut, backed the motion presently, + and asked for a pill to purge melancholy. +</p> +<p> + Epistemon also came on, and asked how a man might be ready to bepiss + himself with laughing when he has no heart to be merry. +</p> +<p> + Gymnast, arising, demanded a remedy for a dimness of eyes. +</p> +<p> + Ponocrates, after he had a while rubbed his noddle and shaken his ears, + asked how one might avoid dog-sleep. Hold! cried Pantagruel, the + Peripatetics have wisely made a rule that all problems, questions, and + doubts which are offered to be solved ought to be certain, clear, and + intelligible. What do you mean by dog-sleep? I mean, answered Ponocrates, + to sleep fasting in the sun at noonday, as the dogs do. +</p> +<p> + Rhizotome, who lay stooping on the pump, raised his drowsy head, and lazily + yawning, by natural sympathy set almost everyone in the ship a-yawning too; + then he asked for a remedy against oscitations and gapings. +</p> +<p> + Xenomanes, half puzzled, and tired out with new-vamping his antiquated + lantern, asked how the hold of the stomach might be so well ballasted and + freighted from the keel to the main hatch, with stores well stowed, that + our human vessels might not heel or be walt, but well trimmed and stiff. +</p> +<p> + Carpalin, twirling his diminutive windmill, asked how many motions are to + be felt in nature before a gentleman may be said to be hungry. +</p> +<p> + Eusthenes, hearing them talk, came from between decks, and from the capstan + called out to know why a man that is fasting, bit by a serpent also + fasting, is in greater danger of death than when man and serpent have eat + their breakfasts;—why a man's fasting-spittle is poisonous to serpents and + venomous creatures. +</p> +<p> + One single solution may serve for all your problems, gentlemen, answered + Pantagruel; and one single medicine for all such symptoms and accidents. + My answer shall be short, not to tire you with a long needless train of + pedantic cant. The belly has no ears, nor is it to be filled with fair + words; you shall be answered to content by signs and gestures. As formerly + at Rome, Tarquin the Proud, its last king, sent an answer by signs to his + son Sextus, who was among the Gabii at Gabii. (Saying this, he pulled the + string of a little bell, and Friar John hurried away to the cook-room.) + The son having sent his father a messenger to know how he might bring the + Gabii under a close subjection, the king, mistrusting the messenger, made + him no answer, and only took him into his privy garden, and in his presence + with his sword lopped off the heads of the tall poppies that were there. + The express returned without any other despatch, yet having related to the + prince what he had seen his father do, he easily understood that by those + signs he advised him to cut off the heads of the chief men in the town, the + better to keep under the rest of the people. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0064"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LXIV.—How Pantagruel gave no answer to the problems. +</h2> +<p> + Pantagruel then asked what sort of people dwelt in that damned island. + They are, answered Xenomanes, all hypocrites, holy mountebanks, tumblers of + beads, mumblers of ave-marias, spiritual comedians, sham saints, hermits, + all of them poor rogues who, like the hermit of Lormont between Blaye and + Bordeaux, live wholly on alms given them by passengers. Catch me there if + you can, cried Panurge; may the devil's head-cook conjure my bumgut into a + pair of bellows if ever you find me among them! Hermits, sham saints, + living forms of mortification, holy mountebanks, avaunt! in the name of + your father Satan, get out of my sight! When the devil's a hog, you shall + eat bacon. I shall not forget yet awhile our fat Concilipetes of Chesil. + O that Beelzebub and Astaroth had counselled them to hang themselves out of + the way, and they had done't! we had not then suffered so much by devilish + storms as we did for having seen 'em. Hark ye me, dear rogue, Xenomanes, + my friend, I prithee are these hermits, hypocrites, and eavesdroppers maids + or married? Is there anything of the feminine gender among them? Could a + body hypocritically take there a small hypocritical touch? Will they lie + backwards, and let out their fore-rooms? There's a fine question to be + asked, cried Pantagruel. Yes, yes, answered Xenomanes; you may find there + many goodly hypocritesses, jolly spiritual actresses, kind hermitesses, + women that have a plaguy deal of religion; then there's the copies of 'em, + little hypocritillons, sham sanctitos, and hermitillons. Foh! away with + them, cried Friar John; a young saint, an old devil! (Mark this, an old + saying, and as true a one as, a young whore, an old saint.) Were there not + such, continued Xenomanes, the isle of Chaneph, for want of a + multiplication of progeny, had long ere this been desert and desolate. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel sent them by Gymnast in the pinnace seventy-eight thousand fine + pretty little gold half-crowns, of those that are marked with a lantern. + After this he asked, What's o'clock? Past nine, answered Epistemon. It is + then the best time to go to dinner, said Pantagruel; for the sacred line so + celebrated by Aristophanes in his play called Concionatrices is at hand, + never failing when the shadow is decempedal. +</p> +<p> + Formerly, among the Persians, dinner-time was at a set hour only for kings; + as for all others, their appetite and their belly was their clock; when + that chimed, they thought it time to go to dinner. So we find in Plautus a + certain parasite making a heavy do, and sadly railing at the inventors of + hour-glasses and dials as being unnecessary things, there being no clock + more regular than the belly. +</p> +<p> + Diogenes being asked at what times a man ought to eat, answered, The rich + when he is hungry, the poor when he has anything to eat. Physicians more + properly say that the canonical hours are, +</p> +<pre> + To rise at five, to dine at nine, + To sup at five, to sleep at nine. +</pre> +<p> + The famous king Petosiris's magic was different,—Here the officers for the + gut came in, and got ready the tables and cupboards; laid the cloth, whose + sight and pleasant smell were very comfortable; and brought plates, + napkins, salts, tankards, flagons, tall-boys, ewers, tumblers, cups, + goblets, basins, and cisterns. +</p> +<p> + Friar John, at the head of the stewards, sewers, yeomen of the pantry, and + of the mouth, tasters, carvers, cupbearers, and cupboard-keepers, brought + four stately pasties, so huge that they put me in mind of the four bastions + at Turin. Ods-fish, how manfully did they storm them! What havoc did they + make with the long train of dishes that came after them! How bravely did + they stand to their pan-puddings, and paid off their dust! How merrily did + they soak their noses! +</p> +<p> + The fruit was not yet brought in, when a fresh gale at west and by north + began to fill the main-course, mizen-sail, fore-sail, tops, and + top-gallants; for which blessing they all sung divers hymns of thanks and + praise. +</p> +<p> + When the fruit was on the table, Pantagruel asked, Now tell me, gentlemen, + are your doubts fully resolved or no? I gape and yawn no more, answered + Rhizotome. I sleep no longer like a dog, said Ponocrates. I have cleared + my eyesight, said Gymnast. I have broke my fast, said Eusthenes; so that + for this whole day I shall be secure from the danger of my spittle. +</p> +<pre> +Asps. Black wag leg-flies. Domeses. +Amphisbenes. Spanish flies. Dryinades. +Anerudutes. Catoblepes. Dragons. +Abedissimons. Horned snakes. Elopes. +Alhartrafz. Caterpillars. Enhydrides. +Ammobates. Crocodiles. Falvises. +Apimaos. Toads. Galeotes. +Alhatrabans. Nightmares. Harmenes. +Aractes. Mad dogs. Handons. +Asterions. Colotes. Icles. +Alcharates. Cychriodes. Jarraries. +Arges. Cafezates. Ilicines. +Spiders. Cauhares. Pharaoh's mice. +Starry lizards. Snakes. Kesudures. +Attelabes. Cuhersks, two- Sea-hares. +Ascalabotes. tongued adders. Chalcidic newts. +Haemorrhoids. Amphibious ser- Footed serpents. +Basilisks. pents. Manticores. +Fitches. Cenchres. Molures. +Sucking water- Cockatrices. Mouse-serpents. + snakes. Dipsades. Shrew-mice. +Miliares. Salamanders. Stinkfish. +Megalaunes. Slowworms. Stuphes. +Spitting-asps. Stellions. Sabrins. +Porphyri. Scorpenes. Blood-sucking flies. +Pareades. Scorpions. Hornfretters. +Phalanges. Hornworms. Scolopendres. +Penphredons. Scalavotins. Tarantulas. +Pinetree-worms. Solofuidars. Blind worms. +Ruteles. Deaf-asps. Tetragnathias. +Worms. Horseleeches. Teristales. +Rhagions. Salt-haters. Vipers, &c. +Rhaganes. Rot-serpents. +</pre> +<a name="2HCH0065"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LXV.—How Pantagruel passed the time with his servants. +</h2> +<p> + In what hierarchy of such venomous creatures do you place Panurge's future + spouse? asked Friar John. Art thou speaking ill of women, cried Panurge, + thou mangy scoundrel, thou sorry, noddy-peaked shaveling monk? By the + cenomanic paunch and gixy, said Epistemon, Euripides has written, and makes + Andromache say it, that by industry, and the help of the gods, men had + found remedies against all poisonous creatures; but none was yet found + against a bad wife. +</p> +<p> + This flaunting Euripides, cried Panurge, was gabbling against women every + foot, and therefore was devoured by dogs, as a judgment from above; as + Aristophanes observes. Let's go on. Let him speak that is next. I can + leak now like any stone-horse, said then Epistemon. I am, said Xenomanes, + full as an egg and round as a hoop; my ship's hold can hold no more, and + will now make shift to bear a steady sail. Said Carpalin, A truce with + thirst, a truce with hunger; they are strong, but wine and meat are + stronger. I'm no more in the dumps cried Panurge; my heart's a pound + lighter. I'm in the right cue now, as brisk as a body-louse, and as merry + as a beggar. For my part, I know what I do when I drink; and it is a true + thing (though 'tis in your Euripides) that is said by that jolly toper + Silenus of blessed memory, that— +</p> +<pre> + The man's emphatically mad, + Who drinks the best, yet can be sad. +</pre> +<p> + We must not fail to return our humble and hearty thanks to the Being who, + with this good bread, this cool delicious wine, these good meats and rare + dainties, removes from our bodies and minds these pains and perturbations, + and at the same time fills us with pleasure and with food. +</p> +<p> + But methinks, sir, you did not give an answer to Friar John's question; + which, as I take it, was how to raise good weather. Since you ask no more + than this easy question, answered Pantagruel, I'll strive to give you + satisfaction; and some other time we'll talk of the rest of the problems, + if you will. +</p> +<p> + Well then, Friar John asked how good weather might be raised. Have we not + raised it? Look up and see our full topsails. Hark how the wind whistles + through the shrouds, what a stiff gale it blows. Observe the rattling of + the tacklings, and see the sheets that fasten the mainsail behind; the + force of the wind puts them upon the stretch. While we passed our time + merrily, the dull weather also passed away; and while we raised the glasses + to our mouths, we also raised the wind by a secret sympathy in nature. +</p> +<p> + Thus Atlas and Hercules clubbed to raise and underprop the falling sky, if + you'll believe the wise mythologists, but they raised it some half an inch + too high, Atlas to entertain his guest Hercules more pleasantly, and + Hercules to make himself amends for the thirst which some time before had + tormented him in the deserts of Africa. Your good father, said Friar John, + interrupting him, takes care to free many people from such an + inconveniency; for I have been told by many venerable doctors that his + chief-butler, Turelupin, saves above eighteen hundred pipes of wine yearly + to make servants, and all comers and goers, drink before they are a-dry. + As the camels and dromedaries of a caravan, continued Pantagruel, use to + drink for the thirst that's past, for the present, and for that to come, so + did Hercules; and being thus excessively raised, this gave new motion to + the sky, which is that of titubation and trepidation, about which our + crackbrained astrologers make such a pother. This, said Panurge, makes the + saying good: +</p> +<pre> + While jolly companions carouse it together, + A fig for the storm, it gives way to good weather. +</pre> +<p> + Nay, continued Pantagruel, some will tell you that we have not only + shortened the time of the calm, but also much disburthened the ship; not + like Aesop's basket, by easing it of the provision, but by breaking our + fasts; and that a man is more terrestrial and heavy when fasting than when + he has eaten and drank, even as they pretend that he weighs more dead than + living. However it is, you will grant they are in the right who take their + morning's draught and breakfast before a long journey; then say that the + horses will perform the better, and that a spur in the head is worth two in + the flank; or, in the same horse dialect— +</p> +<pre> + That a cup in the pate + Is a mile in the gate. +</pre> +<p> + Don't you know that formerly the Amycleans worshipped the noble Bacchus + above all other gods, and gave him the name of Psila, which in the Doric + dialect signifies wings; for, as the birds raise themselves by a towering + flight with their wings above the clouds, so, with the help of soaring + Bacchus, the powerful juice of the grape, our spirits are exalted to a + pitch above themselves, our bodies are more sprightly, and their earthly + parts become soft and pliant. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0066"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LXVI.—How, by Pantagruel's order, the Muses were saluted near the isle of Ganabim. +</h2> + +<p> + This fair wind and as fine talk brought us in sight of a high land, which + Pantagruel discovering afar off, showed it Xenomanes, and asked him, Do you + see yonder to the leeward a high rock with two tops, much like Mount + Parnassus in Phocis? I do plainly, answered Xenomanes; 'tis the isle of + Ganabim. Have you a mind to go ashore there? No, returned Pantagruel. + You do well, indeed, said Xenomanes; for there is nothing worth seeing in + the place. The people are all thieves; yet there is the finest fountain in + the world, and a very large forest towards the right top of the mountain. + Your fleet may take in wood and water there. +</p> +<p> + He that spoke last, spoke well, quoth Panurge; let us not by any means be + so mad as to go among a parcel of thieves and sharpers. You may take my + word for't, this place is just such another as, to my knowledge, formerly + were the islands of Sark and Herm, between the smaller and the greater + Britain; such as was the Poneropolis of Philip in Thrace; islands of + thieves, banditti, picaroons, robbers, ruffians, and murderers, worse than + raw-head and bloody-bones, and full as honest as the senior fellows of the + college of iniquity, the very outcasts of the county gaol's common-side. + As you love yourself, do not go among 'em. If you go you'll come off but + bluely, if you come off at all. If you will not believe me, at least + believe what the good and wise Xenomanes tells you; for may I never stir if + they are not worse than the very cannibals; they would certainly eat us + alive. Do not go among 'em, I pray you; it were safer to take a journey to + hell. Hark! by Cod's body, I hear 'em ringing the alarm-bell most + dreadfully, as the Gascons about Bordeaux used formerly to do against the + commissaries and officers for the tax on salt, or my ears tingle. Let's + sheer off. +</p> +<p> + Believe me, sir, said Friar John, let's rather land; we will rid the world + of that vermin, and inn there for nothing. Old Nick go with thee for me, + quoth Panurge. This rash hairbrained devil of a friar fears nothing, but + ventures and runs on like a mad devil as he is, and cares not a rush what + becomes of others; as if everyone was a monk, like his friarship. A pox on + grinning honour, say I. Go to, returned the friar, thou mangy noddy-peak! + thou forlorn druggle-headed sneaksby! and may a million of black devils + anatomize thy cockle brain. The hen-hearted rascal is so cowardly that he + berays himself for fear every day. If thou art so afraid, dunghill, do not + go; stay here and be hanged; or go and hide thy loggerhead under Madam + Proserpine's petticoat. +</p> +<p> + Panurge hearing this, his breech began to make buttons; so he slunk in in + an instant, and went to hide his head down in the bread-room among the + musty biscuits and the orts and scraps of broken bread. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel in the meantime said to the rest: I feel a pressing retraction + in my soul, which like a voice admonishes me not to land there. Whenever I + have felt such a motion within me I have found myself happy in avoiding + what it directed me to shun, or in undertaking what it prompted me to do; + and I never had occasion to repent following its dictates. +</p> +<p> + As much, said Epistemon, is related of the daemon of Socrates, so + celebrated among the Academics. Well then, sir, said Friar John, while the + ship's crew water have you a mind to have good sport? Panurge is got down + somewhere in the hold, where he is crept into some corner, and lurks like a + mouse in a cranny. Let 'em give the word for the gunner to fire yon gun + over the round-house on the poop; this will serve to salute the Muses of + this Anti-parnassus; besides, the powder does but decay in it. You are in + the right, said Pantagruel; here, give the word for the gunner. +</p> +<p> + The gunner immediately came, and was ordered by Pantagruel to fire that + gun, and then charge it with fresh powder, which was soon done. The + gunners of the other ships, frigates, galleons, and galleys of the fleet, + hearing us fire, gave every one a gun to the island; which made such a + horrid noise that you would have sworn heaven had been tumbling about our + ears. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0067"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 4.LXVII.—How Panurge berayed himself for fear; and of the huge cat Rodilardus, which he took for a puny devil. +</h2> +<p> + Panurge, like a wild, addle-pated, giddy-goat, sallies out of the + bread-room in his shirt, with nothing else about him but one of his + stockings, half on, half off, about his heel, like a rough-footed pigeon; + his hair and beard all bepowdered with crumbs of bread in which he had been + over head and ears, and a huge and mighty puss partly wrapped up in his + other stocking. In this equipage, his chaps moving like a monkey's who's + a-louse-hunting, his eyes staring like a dead pig's, his teeth chattering, + and his bum quivering, the poor dog fled to Friar John, who was then sitting + by the chain-wales of the starboard side of the ship, and prayed him + heartily to take pity on him and keep him in the safeguard of his trusty + bilbo; swearing, by his share of Papimany, that he had seen all hell broke + loose. +</p> +<p> + Woe is me, my Jacky, cried he, my dear Johnny, my old crony, my brother, my + ghostly father! all the devils keep holiday, all the devils keep their + feast to-day, man. Pork and peas choke me if ever thou sawest such + preparations in thy life for an infernal feast. Dost thou see the smoke of + hell's kitchens? (This he said, showing him the smoke of the gunpowder + above the ships.) Thou never sawest so many damned souls since thou wast + born; and so fair, so bewitching they seem, that one would swear they are + Stygian ambrosia. I thought at first, God forgive me! that they had been + English souls; and I don't know but that this morning the isle of Horses, + near Scotland, was sacked, with all the English who had surprised it, by + the lords of Termes and Essay. +</p> +<p> + Friar John, at the approach of Panurge, was entertained with a kind of + smell that was not like that of gunpowder, nor altogether so sweet as musk; + which made him turn Panurge about, and then he saw that his shirt was + dismally bepawed and berayed with fresh sir-reverence. The retentive + faculty of the nerve which restrains the muscle called sphincter ('tis the + arse-hole, an it please you) was relaxated by the violence of the fear + which he had been in during his fantastic visions. Add to this the + thundering noise of the shooting, which seems more dreadful between decks + than above. Nor ought you to wonder at such a mishap; for one of the + symptoms and accidents of fear is, that it often opens the wicket of the + cupboard wherein second-hand meat is kept for a time. Let's illustrate + this noble theme with some examples. +</p> +<p> + Messer Pantolfe de la Cassina of Siena, riding post from Rome, came to + Chambery, and alighting at honest Vinet's took one of the pitchforks in the + stable; then turning to the innkeeper, said to him, Da Roma in qua io non + son andato del corpo. Di gratia piglia in mano questa forcha, et fa mi + paura. (I have not had a stool since I left Rome. I pray thee take this + pitchfork and fright me.) Vinet took it, and made several offers as if he + would in good earnest have hit the signor, but all in vain; so the Sienese + said to him, Si tu non fai altramente, tu non fai nulla; pero sforzati di + adoperarli piu guagliardamente. (If thou dost not go another way to work, + thou hadst as good do nothing; therefore try to bestir thyself more + briskly.) With this, Vinet lent him such a swinging stoater with the + pitchfork souse between the neck and the collar of his jerkin, that down + fell signor on the ground arsyversy, with his spindle shanks wide + straggling over his poll. Then mine host sputtering, with a full-mouthed + laugh, said to his guest, By Beelzebub's bumgut, much good may it do you, + Signore Italiano. Take notice this is datum Camberiaci, given at Chambery. + 'Twas well the Sienese had untrussed his points and let down his drawers; + for this physic worked with him as soon as he took it, and as copious was + the evacuation as that of nine buffaloes and fourteen missificating + arch-lubbers. Which operation being over, the mannerly Sienese courteously + gave mine host a whole bushel of thanks, saying to him, Io ti ringratio, bel + messere; cosi facendo tu m' ai esparmiata la speza d'un servitiale. (I + thank thee, good landlord; by this thou hast e'en saved me the expense of a + clyster.) +</p> +<p> + I'll give you another example of Edward V., King of England. Master + Francis Villon, being banished France, fled to him, and got so far into his + favour as to be privy to all his household affairs. One day the king, + being on his close-stool, showed Villon the arms of France, and said to + him, Dost thou see what respect I have for thy French kings? I have none + of their arms anywhere but in this backside, near my close-stool. + Ods-life, said the buffoon, how wise, prudent, and careful of your health + your highness is! How carefully your learned doctor, Thomas Linacre, looks + after you! He saw that now you grow old you are inclined to be somewhat + costive, and every day were fain to have an apothecary, I mean a suppository + or clyster, thrust into your royal nockandroe; so he has, much to the + purpose, induced you to place here the arms of France; for the very sight of + them puts you into such a dreadful fright that you immediately let fly as + much as would come from eighteen squattering bonasi of Paeonia. And if they + were painted in other parts of your house, by jingo, you would presently + conskite yourself wherever you saw them. Nay, had you but here a picture of + the great oriflamme of France, ods-bodikins, your tripes and bowels would be + in no small danger of dropping out at the orifice of your posteriors. But + henh, henh, atque iterum henh. +</p> +<pre> + A silly cockney am I not, + As ever did from Paris come? + And with a rope and sliding knot + My neck shall know what weighs my bum. +</pre> +<p> + A cockney of short reach, I say, shallow of judgment and judging shallowly, + to wonder that you should cause your points to be untrussed in your chamber + before you come into this closet. By'r lady, at first I thought your + close-stool had stood behind the hangings of your bed; otherwise it seemed + very odd to me you should untruss so far from the place of evacuation. But + now I find I was a gull, a wittol, a woodcock, a mere ninny, a dolt-head, a + noddy, a changeling, a calf-lolly, a doddipoll. You do wisely, by the + mass, you do wisely; for had you not been ready to clap your hind face on + the mustard-pot as soon as you came within sight of these arms—mark ye me, + cop's body—the bottom of your breeches had supplied the office of a + close-stool. +</p> +<p> + Friar John, stopping the handle of his face with his left hand, did, with + the forefinger of the right, point out Panurge's shirt to Pantagruel, who, + seeing him in this pickle, scared, appalled, shivering, raving, staring, + berayed, and torn with the claws of the famous cat Rodilardus, could not + choose but laugh, and said to him, Prithee what wouldst thou do with this + cat? With this cat? quoth Panurge; the devil scratch me if I did not think + it had been a young soft-chinned devil, which, with this same stocking + instead of mitten, I had snatched up in the great hutch of hell as + thievishly as any sizar of Montague college could have done. The devil + take Tybert! I feel it has all bepinked my poor hide, and drawn on it to + the life I don't know how many lobsters' whiskers. With this he threw his + boar-cat down. +</p> +<p> + Go, go, said Pantagruel, be bathed and cleaned, calm your fears, put on a + clean shift, and then your clothes. What! do you think I am afraid? cried + Panurge. Not I, I protest. By the testicles of Hercules, I am more + hearty, bold, and stout, though I say it that should not, than if I had + swallowed as many flies as are put into plumcakes and other paste at Paris + from Midsummer to Christmas. But what's this? Hah! oh, ho! how the devil + came I by this? Do you call this what the cat left in the malt, filth, + dirt, dung, dejection, faecal matter, excrement, stercoration, + sir-reverence, ordure, second-hand meats, fumets, stronts, scybal, or + spyrathe? 'Tis Hibernian saffron, I protest. Hah, hah, hah! 'tis Irish + saffron, by Shaint Pautrick, and so much for this time. Selah. Let's + drink. +</p> +<p> + END OF BOOK IV.</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 8169 ***</div> +</body> +</html> + |