initial commit of ebook 8169HEADmain

1 files changed, 6462 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/8169-0.txt b/8169-0.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6bc4a31
--- /dev/null
+++ b/8169-0.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,6462 @@
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 8169 ***
+
+
+
+
+MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS
+
+
+FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF
+
+GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL
+
+
+Book IV.
+
+
+Translated into English by
+
+Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty
+
+and
+
+Peter Antony Motteux
+
+
+
+
+The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the
+first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation.  Footnotes initialled 'M.'
+are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the
+translator.  Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in
+1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux's editorship.
+Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708.  Occasionally (as
+the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from
+the 1738 copy edited by Ozell.
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH BOOK
+
+
+The Translator's Preface.
+
+Reader,--I don't know what kind of a preface I must write to find thee
+courteous, an epithet too often bestowed without a cause.  The author of
+this work has been as sparing of what we call good nature, as most readers
+are nowadays.  So I am afraid his translator and commentator is not to
+expect much more than has been showed them.  What's worse, there are but
+two sorts of taking prefaces, as there are but two kinds of prologues to
+plays; for Mr. Bays was doubtless in the right when he said that if thunder
+and lightning could not fright an audience into complaisance, the sight of
+the poet with a rope about his neck might work them into pity.  Some,
+indeed, have bullied many of you into applause, and railed at your faults
+that you might think them without any; and others, more safely, have spoken
+kindly of you, that you might think, or at least speak, as favourably of
+them, and be flattered into patience.  Now, I fancy, there's nothing less
+difficult to attempt than the first method; for, in this blessed age, 'tis
+as easy to find a bully without courage, as a whore without beauty, or a
+writer without wit; though those qualifications are so necessary in their
+respective professions.  The mischief is, that you seldom allow any to rail
+besides yourselves, and cannot bear a pride which shocks your own.  As for
+wheedling you into a liking of a work, I must confess it seems the safest
+way; but though flattery pleases you well when it is particular, you hate
+it, as little concerning you, when it is general.  Then we knights of the
+quill are a stiff-necked generation, who as seldom care to seem to doubt
+the worth of our writings, and their being liked, as we love to flatter
+more than one at a time; and had rather draw our pens, and stand up for the
+beauty of our works (as some arrant fools use to do for that of their
+mistresses) to the last drop of our ink.  And truly this submission, which
+sometimes wheedles you into pity, as seldom decoys you into love, as the
+awkward cringing of an antiquated fop, as moneyless as he is ugly, affects
+an experienced fair one.  Now we as little value your pity as a lover his
+mistress's, well satisfied that it is only a less uncivil way of dismissing
+us.  But what if neither of these two ways will work upon you, of which
+doleful truth some of our playwrights stand so many living monuments?  Why,
+then, truly I think on no other way at present but blending the two into
+one; and, from this marriage of huffing and cringing, there will result a
+new kind of careless medley, which, perhaps, will work upon both sorts of
+readers, those who are to be hectored, and those whom we must creep to.  At
+least, it is like to please by its novelty; and it will not be the first
+monster that has pleased you when regular nature could not do it.
+
+If uncommon worth, lively wit, and deep learning, wove into wholesome
+satire, a bold, good, and vast design admirably pursued, truth set out in
+its true light, and a method how to arrive to its oracle, can recommend a
+work, I am sure this has enough to please any reasonable man.  The three
+books published some time since, which are in a manner an entire work, were
+kindly received; yet, in the French, they come far short of these two,
+which are also entire pieces; for the satire is all general here, much more
+obvious, and consequently more entertaining.  Even my long explanatory
+preface was not thought improper.  Though I was so far from being allowed
+time to make it methodical, that at first only a few pages were intended;
+yet as fast as they were printed I wrote on, till it proved at last like
+one of those towns built little at first, then enlarged, where you see
+promiscuously an odd variety of all sorts of irregular buildings.  I hope
+the remarks I give now will not please less; for, as I have translated the
+work which they explain, I had more time to make them, though as little to
+write them.  It would be needless to give here a large account of my
+performance; for, after all, you readers care no more for this or that
+apology, or pretence of Mr. Translator, if the version does not please you,
+than we do for a blundering cook's excuse after he has spoiled a good dish
+in the dressing.  Nor can the first pretend to much praise, besides that of
+giving his author's sense in its full extent, and copying his style, if it
+is to be copied; since he has no share in the invention or disposition of
+what he translates.  Yet there was no small difficulty in doing Rabelais
+justice in that double respect; the obsolete words and turns of phrase, and
+dark subjects, often as darkly treated, make the sense hard to be
+understood even by a Frenchman, and it cannot be easy to give it the free
+easy air of an original; for even what seems most common talk in one
+language, is what is often the most difficult to be made so in another; and
+Horace's thoughts of comedy may be well applied to this:
+
+  Creditur, ex medio quia res arcessit, habere
+  Sudoris minimum; sed habet commoedia tantum
+  Plus oneris, quanto veniae minus.
+
+Far be it from me, for all this, to value myself upon hitting the words of
+cant in which my drolling author is so luxuriant; for though such words
+have stood me in good stead, I scarce can forbear thinking myself unhappy
+in having insensibly hoarded up so much gibberish and Billingsgate trash in
+my memory; nor could I forbear asking of myself, as an Italian cardinal
+said on another account, D'onde hai tu pigliato tante coglionerie?  Where
+the devil didst thou rake up all these fripperies?
+
+It was not less difficult to come up to the author's sublime expressions.
+Nor would I have attempted such a task, but that I was ambitious of giving
+a view of the most valuable work of the greatest genius of his age, to the
+Mecaenas and best genius of this.  For I am not overfond of so ungrateful a
+task as translating, and would rejoice to see less versions and more
+originals; so the latter were not as bad as many of the first are, through
+want of encouragement.  Some indeed have deservedly gained esteem by
+translating; yet not many condescend to translate, but such as cannot
+invent; though to do the first well requires often as much genius as to do
+the latter.
+
+I wish, reader, thou mayest be as willing to do my author justice, as I
+have strove to do him right.  Yet, if thou art a brother of the quill, it
+is ten to one thou art too much in love with thy own dear productions to
+admire those of one of thy trade.  However, I know three or four who have
+not such a mighty opinion of themselves; but I'll not name them, lest I
+should be obliged to place myself among them.  If thou art one of those
+who, though they never write, criticise everyone that does; avaunt!--Thou
+art a professed enemy of mankind and of thyself, who wilt never be pleased
+nor let anybody be so, and knowest no better way to fame than by striving
+to lessen that of others; though wouldst thou write thou mightst be soon
+known, even by the butterwomen, and fly through the world in bandboxes.  If
+thou art of the dissembling tribe, it is thy office to rail at those books
+which thou huggest in a corner.  If thou art one of those eavesdroppers,
+who would have their moroseness be counted gravity, thou wilt condemn a
+mirth which thou art past relishing; and I know no other way to quit the
+score than by writing (as like enough I may) something as dull, or duller
+than thyself, if possible.  If thou art one of those critics in dressing,
+those extempores of fortune, who, having lost a relation and got an estate,
+in an instant set up for wit and every extravagance, thou'lt either praise
+or discommend this book, according to the dictates of some less foolish
+than thyself, perhaps of one of those who, being lodged at the sign of the
+box and dice, will know better things than to recommend to thee a work
+which bids thee beware of his tricks.  This book might teach thee to leave
+thy follies; but some will say it does not signify much to some fools
+whether they are so or not; for when was there a fool that thought himself
+one?  If thou art one of those who would put themselves upon us for learned
+men in Greek and Hebrew, yet are mere blockheads in English, and patch
+together old pieces of the ancients to get themselves clothes out of them,
+thou art too severely mauled in this work to like it.  Who then will? some
+will cry.  Nay, besides these, many societies that make a great figure in
+the world are reflected on in this book; which caused Rabelais to study to
+be dark, and even bedaub it with many loose expressions, that he might not
+be thought to have any other design than to droll; in a manner bewraying
+his book that his enemies might not bite it.  Truly, though now the riddle
+is expounded, I would advise those who read it not to reflect on the
+author, lest he be thought to have been beforehand with them, and they be
+ranked among those who have nothing to show for their honesty but their
+money, nothing for their religion but their dissembling, or a fat benefice,
+nothing for their wit but their dressing, for their nobility but their
+title, for their gentility but their sword, for their courage but their
+huffing, for their preferment but their assurance, for their learning but
+their degrees, or for their gravity but their wrinkles or dulness.  They
+had better laugh at one another here, as it is the custom of the world.
+Laughing is of all professions; the miser may hoard, the spendthrift
+squander, the politician plot, the lawyer wrangle, and the gamester cheat;
+still their main design is to be able to laugh at one another; and here
+they may do it at a cheap and easy rate.  After all, should this work fail
+to please the greater number of readers, I am sure it cannot miss being
+liked by those who are for witty mirth and a chirping bottle; though not by
+those solid sots who seem to have drudged all their youth long only that
+they might enjoy the sweet blessing of getting drunk every night in their
+old age.  But those men of sense and honour who love truth and the good of
+mankind in general above all other things will undoubtedly countenance this
+work.  I will not gravely insist upon its usefulness, having said enough of
+it in the preface (Motteux' Preface to vol. I of Rabelais, ed. 1694.) to
+the first part.  I will only add, that as Homer in his Odyssey makes his
+hero wander ten years through most parts of the then known world, so
+Rabelais, in a three months' voyage, makes Pantagruel take a view of almost
+all sorts of people and professions; with this difference, however, between
+the ancient mythologist and the modern, that while the Odyssey has been
+compared to a setting sun in respect to the Iliads, Rabelais' last work,
+which is this Voyage to the Oracle of the Bottle (by which he means truth)
+is justly thought his masterpiece, being wrote with more spirit, salt, and
+flame, than the first part of his works.  At near seventy years of age, his
+genius, far from being drained, seemed to have acquired fresh vigour and
+new graces the more it exerted itself; like those rivers which grow more
+deep, large, majestic, and useful by their course.  Those who accuse the
+French of being as sparing of their wit as lavish of their words will find
+an Englishman in our author.  I must confess indeed that my countrymen and
+other southern nations temper the one with the other in a manner as they do
+their wine with water, often just dashing the latter with a little of the
+first.  Now here men love to drink their wine pure; nay, sometimes it will
+not satisfy unless in its very quintessence, as in brandies; though an
+excess of this betrays want of sobriety, as much as an excess of wit
+betrays a want of judgment.  But I must conclude, lest I be justly taxed
+with wanting both.  I will only add, that as every language has its
+peculiar graces, seldom or never to be acquired by a foreigner, I cannot
+think I have given my author those of the English in every place; but as
+none compelled me to write, I fear to ask a pardon which yet the generous
+temper of this nation makes me hope to obtain.  Albinus, a Roman, who had
+written in Greek, desired in his preface to be forgiven his faults of
+language; but Cato asked him in derision whether any had forced him to
+write in a tongue of which he was not an absolute master.  Lucullus wrote a
+history in the same tongue, and said he had scattered some false Greek in
+it to let the world know it was the work of a Roman.  I will not say as
+much of my writings, in which I study to be as little incorrect as the
+hurry of business and shortness of time will permit; but I may better say,
+as Tully did of the history of his consulship, which he also had written in
+Greek, that what errors may be found in the diction are crept in against my
+intent.  Indeed, Livius Andronicus and Terence, the one a Greek, the other
+a Carthaginian, wrote successfully in Latin, and the latter is perhaps the
+most perfect model of the purity and urbanity of that tongue; but I ought
+not to hope for the success of those great men.  Yet am I ambitious of
+being as subservient to the useful diversion of the ingenious of this
+nation as I can, which I have endeavoured in this work, with hopes to
+attempt some greater tasks if ever I am happy enough to have more leisure.
+In the meantime it will not displease me, if it is known that this is given
+by one who, though born and educated in France, has the love and veneration
+of a loyal subject for this nation, one who, by a fatality, which with many
+more made him say,
+
+  Nos patriam fugimus et dulcia linquimus arva,
+
+is obliged to make the language of these happy regions as natural to him as
+he can, and thankfully say with the rest, under this Protestant government,
+
+  Deus nobis haec otia fecit.
+
+
+
+The Author's Epistle Dedicatory.
+
+To the most Illustrious Prince and most Reverend Lord Odet, Cardinal de
+Chastillon.
+
+You know, most illustrious prince, how often I have been, and am daily
+pressed and required by great numbers of eminent persons, to proceed in the
+Pantagruelian fables; they tell me that many languishing, sick, and
+disconsolate persons, perusing them, have deceived their grief, passed
+their time merrily, and been inspired with new joy and comfort.  I commonly
+answer that I aimed not at glory and applause when I diverted myself with
+writing, but only designed to give by my pen, to the absent who labour
+under affliction, that little help which at all times I willingly strive to
+give to the present that stand in need of my art and service.  Sometimes I
+at large relate to them how Hippocrates in several places, and particularly
+in lib. 6. Epidem., describing the institution of the physician his
+disciple, and also Soranus of Ephesus, Oribasius, Galen, Hali Abbas, and
+other authors, have descended to particulars, in the prescription of his
+motions, deportment, looks, countenance, gracefulness, civility,
+cleanliness of face, clothes, beard, hair, hands, mouth, even his very
+nails; as if he were to play the part of a lover in some comedy, or enter
+the lists to fight some enemy.  And indeed the practice of physic is
+properly enough compared by Hippocrates to a fight, and also to a farce
+acted between three persons, the patient, the physician, and the disease.
+Which passage has sometimes put me in mind of Julia's saying to Augustus
+her father.  One day she came before him in a very gorgeous, loose,
+lascivious dress, which very much displeased him, though he did not much
+discover his discontent.  The next day she put on another, and in a modest
+garb, such as the chaste Roman ladies wore, came into his presence.  The
+kind father could not then forbear expressing the pleasure which he took to
+see her so much altered, and said to her:  Oh! how much more this garb
+becomes and is commendable in the daughter of Augustus.  But she, having
+her excuse ready, answered:  This day, sir, I dressed myself to please my
+father's eye; yesterday, to gratify that of my husband.  Thus disguised in
+looks and garb, nay even, as formerly was the fashion, with a rich and
+pleasant gown with four sleeves, which was called philonium according to
+Petrus Alexandrinus in 6. Epidem., a physician might answer to such as
+might find the metamorphosis indecent:  Thus have I accoutred myself, not
+that I am proud of appearing in such a dress, but for the sake of my
+patient, whom alone I wholly design to please, and no wise offend or
+dissatisfy.  There is also a passage in our father Hippocrates, in the book
+I have named, which causes some to sweat, dispute, and labour; not indeed
+to know whether the physician's frowning, discontented, and morose Catonian
+look render the patient sad, and his joyful, serene, and pleasing
+countenance rejoice him; for experience teaches us that this is most
+certain; but whether such sensations of grief or pleasure are produced by
+the apprehension of the patient observing his motions and qualities in his
+physician, and drawing from thence conjectures of the end and catastrophe
+of his disease; as, by his pleasing look, joyful and desirable events, and
+by his sorrowful and unpleasing air, sad and dismal consequences; or
+whether those sensations be produced by a transfusion of the serene or
+gloomy, aerial or terrestrial, joyful or melancholic spirits of the
+physician into the person of the patient, as is the opinion of Plato,
+Averroes, and others.
+
+Above all things, the forecited authors have given particular directions to
+physicians about the words, discourse, and converse which they ought to
+have with their patients; everyone aiming at one point, that is, to rejoice
+them without offending God, and in no wise whatsoever to vex or displease
+them.  Which causes Herophilus much to blame the physician Callianax, who,
+being asked by a patient of his, Shall I die? impudently made him this
+answer:
+
+  Patroclus died, whom all allow
+  By much a better man than you.
+
+Another, who had a mind to know the state of his distemper, asking him,
+after our merry Patelin's way:  Well, doctor, does not my water tell you I
+shall die?  He foolishly answered, No; if Latona, the mother of those
+lovely twins, Phoebus and Diana, begot thee.  Galen, lib. 4, Comment. 6.
+Epidem., blames much also Quintus his tutor, who, a certain nobleman of
+Rome, his patient, saying to him, You have been at breakfast, my master,
+your breath smells of wine; answered arrogantly, Yours smells of fever;
+which is the better smell of the two, wine or a putrid fever?  But the
+calumny of certain cannibals, misanthropes, perpetual eavesdroppers, has
+been so foul and excessive against me, that it had conquered my patience,
+and I had resolved not to write one jot more.  For the least of their
+detractions were that my books are all stuffed with various heresies, of
+which, nevertheless, they could not show one single instance; much, indeed,
+of comical and facetious fooleries, neither offending God nor the king (and
+truly I own they are the only subject and only theme of these books), but
+of heresy not a word, unless they interpreted wrong, and against all use of
+reason and common language, what I had rather suffer a thousand deaths, if
+it were possible, than have thought; as who should make bread to be stone,
+a fish to be a serpent, and an egg to be a scorpion.  This, my lord,
+emboldened me once to tell you, as I was complaining of it in your
+presence, that if I did not esteem myself a better Christian than they show
+themselves towards me, and if my life, writings, words, nay thoughts,
+betrayed to me one single spark of heresy, or I should in a detestable
+manner fall into the snares of the spirit of detraction, Diabolos, who, by
+their means, raises such crimes against me; I would then, like the phoenix,
+gather dry wood, kindle a fire, and burn myself in the midst of it.  You
+were then pleased to say to me that King Francis, of eternal memory, had
+been made sensible of those false accusations; and that having caused my
+books (mine, I say, because several, false and infamous, have been wickedly
+laid to me) to be carefully and distinctly read to him by the most learned
+and faithful anagnost in this kingdom, he had not found any passage
+suspicious; and that he abhorred a certain envious, ignorant, hypocritical
+informer, who grounded a mortal heresy on an n put instead of an m by the
+carelessness of the printers.
+
+As much was done by his son, our most gracious, virtuous, and blessed
+sovereign, Henry, whom Heaven long preserve! so that he granted you his
+royal privilege and particular protection for me against my slandering
+adversaries.
+
+You kindly condescended since to confirm me these happy news at Paris; and
+also lately, when you visited my Lord Cardinal du Bellay, who, for the
+benefit of his health, after a lingering distemper, was retired to St.
+Maur, that place (or rather paradise) of salubrity, serenity, conveniency,
+and all desirable country pleasures.
+
+Thus, my lord, under so glorious a patronage, I am emboldened once more to
+draw my pen, undaunted now and secure; with hopes that you will still prove
+to me, against the power of detraction, a second Gallic Hercules in
+learning, prudence, and eloquence; an Alexicacos in virtue, power, and
+authority; you, of whom I may truly say what the wise monarch Solomon saith
+of Moses, that great prophet and captain of Israel, Ecclesiast. 45:  A man
+fearing and loving God, who found favour in the sight of all flesh,
+well-beloved both of God and man; whose memorial is blessed.  God made him
+like to the glorious saints, and magnified him so, that his enemies stood in
+fear of him; and for him made wonders; made him glorious in the sight of
+kings, gave him a commandment for his people, and by him showed his light;
+he sanctified him in his faithfulness and meekness, and chose him out of all
+men.  By him he made us to hear his voice, and caused by him the law of life
+and knowledge to be given.
+
+Accordingly, if I shall be so happy as to hear anyone commend those merry
+composures, they shall be adjured by me to be obliged and pay their thanks
+to you alone, as also to offer their prayers to Heaven for the continuance
+and increase of your greatness; and to attribute no more to me than my
+humble and ready obedience to your commands; for by your most honourable
+encouragement you at once have inspired me with spirit and with invention;
+and without you my heart had failed me, and the fountain-head of my animal
+spirits had been dry.  May the Lord keep you in his blessed mercy!
+
+               My Lord,
+
+  Your most humble, and most devoted Servant,
+
+                   Francis Rabelais, Physician.
+
+  Paris, this 28th of January, MDLII.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+The Author's Prologue.
+
+Good people, God save and keep you!  Where are you?  I can't see you:
+stay--I'll saddle my nose with spectacles--oh, oh! 'twill be fair anon:  I
+see you.  Well, you have had a good vintage, they say:  this is no bad news
+to Frank, you may swear.  You have got an infallible cure against thirst:
+rarely performed of you, my friends!  You, your wives, children, friends,
+and families are in as good case as hearts can wish; it is well, it is as I
+would have it:  God be praised for it, and if such be his will, may you
+long be so.  For my part, I am thereabouts, thanks to his blessed goodness;
+and by the means of a little Pantagruelism (which you know is a certain
+jollity of mind, pickled in the scorn of fortune), you see me now hale and
+cheery, as sound as a bell, and ready to drink, if you will.  Would you
+know why I'm thus, good people?  I will even give you a positive answer
+--Such is the Lord's will, which I obey and revere; it being said in his
+word, in great derision to the physician neglectful of his own health,
+Physician, heal thyself.
+
+Galen had some knowledge of the Bible, and had conversed with the
+Christians of his time, as appears lib. 11. De Usu Partium; lib. 2. De
+Differentiis Pulsuum, cap. 3, and ibid. lib. 3. cap. 2. and lib. De Rerum
+Affectibus (if it be Galen's).  Yet 'twas not for any such veneration of
+holy writ that he took care of his own health.  No, it was for fear of
+being twitted with the saying so well known among physicians:
+
+  Iatros allon autos elkesi bruon.
+
+  He boasts of healing poor and rich,
+  Yet is himself all over itch.
+
+This made him boldly say, that he did not desire to be esteemed a
+physician, if from his twenty-eighth year to his old age he had not lived
+in perfect health, except some ephemerous fevers, of which he soon rid
+himself; yet he was not naturally of the soundest temper, his stomach being
+evidently bad.  Indeed, as he saith, lib. 5, De Sanitate tuenda, that
+physician will hardly be thought very careful of the health of others who
+neglects his own.  Asclepiades boasted yet more than this; for he said that
+he had articled with fortune not to be reputed a physician if he could be
+said to have been sick since he began to practise physic to his latter age,
+which he reached, lusty in all his members and victorious over fortune;
+till at last the old gentleman unluckily tumbled down from the top of a
+certain ill-propped and rotten staircase, and so there was an end of him.
+
+If by some disaster health is fled from your worships to the right or to
+the left, above or below, before or behind, within or without, far or near,
+on this side or the other side, wheresoever it be, may you presently, with
+the help of the Lord, meet with it.  Having found it, may you immediately
+claim it, seize it, and secure it.  The law allows it; the king would have
+it so; nay, you have my advice for it.  Neither more nor less than the
+law-makers of old did fully empower a master to claim and seize his runaway
+servant wherever he might be found.  Odds-bodikins, is it not written and
+warranted by the ancient customs of this noble, so rich, so flourishing
+realm of France, that the dead seizes the quick?  See what has been
+declared very lately in that point by that learned, wise, courteous, humane
+and just civilian, Andrew Tiraqueau, one of the judges in the most
+honourable court of Parliament at Paris.  Health is our life, as Ariphron
+the Sicyonian wisely has it; without health life is not life, it is not
+living life: abios bios, bios abiotos.  Without health life is only a
+languishment and an image of death.  Therefore, you that want your health,
+that is to say, that are dead, seize the quick; secure life to yourselves,
+that is to say, health.
+
+I have this hope in the Lord, that he will hear our supplications,
+considering with what faith and zeal we pray, and that he will grant this
+our wish because it is moderate and mean.  Mediocrity was held by the
+ancient sages to be golden, that is to say, precious, praised by all men,
+and pleasing in all places.  Read the sacred Bible, you will find the
+prayers of those who asked moderately were never unanswered.  For example,
+little dapper Zaccheus, whose body and relics the monks of St. Garlick,
+near Orleans, boast of having, and nickname him St. Sylvanus; he only
+wished to see our blessed Saviour near Jerusalem.  It was but a small
+request, and no more than anybody then might pretend to.  But alas! he was
+but low-built; and one of so diminutive a size, among the crowd, could not
+so much as get a glimpse of him.  Well then he struts, stands on tiptoes,
+bustles, and bestirs his stumps, shoves and makes way, and with much ado
+clambers up a sycamore.  Upon this, the Lord, who knew his sincere
+affection, presented himself to his sight, and was not only seen by him,
+but heard also; nay, what is more, he came to his house and blessed his
+family.
+
+One of the sons of the prophets in Israel felling would near the river
+Jordan, his hatchet forsook the helve and fell to the bottom of the river;
+so he prayed to have it again ('twas but a small request, mark ye me), and
+having a strong faith, he did not throw the hatchet after the helve, as
+some spirits of contradiction say by way of scandalous blunder, but the
+helve after the hatchet, as you all properly have it.  Presently two great
+miracles were seen:  up springs the hatchet from the bottom of the water,
+and fixes itself to its old acquaintance the helve.  Now had he wished to
+coach it to heaven in a fiery chariot like Elias, to multiply in seed like
+Abraham, be as rich as Job, strong as Samson, and beautiful as Absalom,
+would he have obtained it, d'ye think?  I' troth, my friends, I question it
+very much.
+
+Now I talk of moderate wishes in point of hatchet (but harkee me, be sure
+you don't forget when we ought to drink), I will tell you what is written
+among the apologues of wise Aesop the Frenchman.  I mean the Phrygian and
+Trojan, as Max. Planudes makes him; from which people, according to the
+most faithful chroniclers, the noble French are descended.  Aelian writes
+that he was of Thrace and Agathias, after Herodotus, that he was of Samos;
+'tis all one to Frank.
+
+In his time lived a poor honest country fellow of Gravot, Tom Wellhung by
+name, a wood-cleaver by trade, who in that low drudgery made shift so to
+pick up a sorry livelihood.  It happened that he lost his hatchet.  Now
+tell me who ever had more cause to be vexed than poor Tom?  Alas, his whole
+estate and life depended on his hatchet; by his hatchet he earned many a
+fair penny of the best woodmongers or log-merchants among whom he went
+a-jobbing; for want of his hatchet he was like to starve; and had death but
+met with him six days after without a hatchet, the grim fiend would have
+mowed him down in the twinkling of a bedstaff.  In this sad case he began
+to be in a heavy taking, and called upon Jupiter with the most eloquent
+prayers--for you know necessity was the mother of eloquence.  With the
+whites of his eyes turned up towards heaven, down on his marrow-bones, his
+arms reared high, his fingers stretched wide, and his head bare, the poor
+wretch without ceasing was roaring out, by way of litany, at every
+repetition of his supplications, My hatchet, Lord Jupiter, my hatchet! my
+hatchet! only my hatchet, O Jupiter, or money to buy another, and nothing
+else! alas, my poor hatchet!
+
+Jupiter happened then to be holding a grand council about certain urgent
+affairs, and old gammer Cybele was just giving her opinion, or, if you
+would rather have it so, it was young Phoebus the beau; but, in short,
+Tom's outcries and lamentations were so loud that they were heard with no
+small amazement at the council-board, by the whole consistory of the gods.
+What a devil have we below, quoth Jupiter, that howls so horridly?  By the
+mud of Styx, have not we had all along, and have not we here still enough
+to do, to set to rights a world of damned puzzling businesses of
+consequence?  We made an end of the fray between Presthan, King of Persia,
+and Soliman the Turkish emperor, we have stopped up the passages between
+the Tartars and the Muscovites; answered the Xeriff's petition; done the
+same to that of Golgots Rays; the state of Parma's despatched; so is that
+of Maidenburg, that of Mirandola, and that of Africa, that town on the
+Mediterranean which we call Aphrodisium; Tripoli by carelessness has got a
+new master; her hour was come.
+
+Here are the Gascons cursing and damning, demanding the restitution of
+their bells.
+
+In yonder corner are the Saxons, Easterlings, Ostrogoths, and Germans,
+nations formerly invincible, but now aberkeids, bridled, curbed, and
+brought under a paltry diminutive crippled fellow; they ask us revenge,
+relief, restitution of their former good sense and ancient liberty.
+
+But what shall we do with this same Ramus and this Galland, with a pox to
+them, who, surrounded with a swarm of their scullions, blackguard
+ragamuffins, sizars, vouchers, and stipulators, set together by the ears
+the whole university of Paris?  I am in a sad quandary about it, and for
+the heart's blood of me cannot tell yet with whom of the two to side.
+
+Both seem to me notable fellows, and as true cods as ever pissed.  The one
+has rose-nobles, I say fine and weighty ones; the other would gladly have
+some too.  The one knows something; the other's no dunce.  The one loves
+the better sort of men; the other's beloved by 'em.  The one is an old
+cunning fox; the other with tongue and pen, tooth and nail, falls foul on
+the ancient orators and philosophers, and barks at them like a cur.
+
+What thinkest thou of it, say, thou bawdy Priapus?  I have found thy
+counsel just before now, et habet tua mentula mentem.
+
+King Jupiter, answered Priapus, standing up and taking off his cowl, his
+snout uncased and reared up, fiery and stiffly propped, since you compare
+the one to a yelping snarling cur and the other to sly Reynard the fox, my
+advice is, with submission, that without fretting or puzzling your brains
+any further about 'em, without any more ado, even serve 'em both as, in the
+days of yore, you did the dog and the fox.  How? asked Jupiter; when? who
+were they? where was it?  You have a rare memory, for aught I see! returned
+Priapus.  This right worshipful father Bacchus, whom we have here nodding
+with his crimson phiz, to be revenged on the Thebans had got a fairy fox,
+who, whatever mischief he did, was never to be caught or wronged by any
+beast that wore a head.
+
+The noble Vulcan here present had framed a dog of Monesian brass, and with
+long puffing and blowing put the spirit of life into him; he gave it to
+you, you gave it your Miss Europa, Miss Europa gave it Minos, Minos gave it
+Procris, Procris gave it Cephalus.  He was also of the fairy kind; so that,
+like the lawyers of our age, he was too hard for all other sorts of
+creatures; nothing could scape the dog.  Now who should happen to meet but
+these two?  What do you think they did?  Dog by his destiny was to take
+fox, and fox by his fate was not to be taken.
+
+The case was brought before your council:  you protested that you would not
+act against the fates; and the fates were contradictory.  In short, the end
+and result of the matter was, that to reconcile two contradictions was an
+impossibility in nature.  The very pang put you into a sweat; some drops of
+which happening to light on the earth, produced what the mortals call
+cauliflowers.  All our noble consistory, for want of a categorical
+resolution, were seized with such a horrid thirst, that above seventy-eight
+hogsheads of nectar were swilled down at that sitting.  At last you took my
+advice, and transmogrified them into stones; and immediately got rid of
+your perplexity, and a truce with thirst was proclaimed through this vast
+Olympus.  This was the year of flabby cods, near Teumessus, between Thebes
+and Chalcis.
+
+After this manner, it is my opinion that you should petrify this dog and
+this fox.  The metamorphosis will not be incongruous; for they both bear
+the name of Peter.  And because, according to the Limosin proverb, to make
+an oven's mouth there must be three stones, you may associate them with
+Master Peter du Coignet, whom you formerly petrified for the same cause.
+Then those three dead pieces shall be put in an equilateral trigone
+somewhere in the great temple at Paris--in the middle of the porch, if you
+will--there to perform the office of extinguishers, and with their noses
+put out the lighted candles, torches, tapers, and flambeaux; since, while
+they lived, they still lighted, ballock-like, the fire of faction,
+division, ballock sects, and wrangling among those idle bearded boys, the
+students.  And this will be an everlasting monument to show that those puny
+self-conceited pedants, ballock-framers, were rather contemned than
+condemned by you.  Dixi, I have said my say.
+
+You deal too kindly by them, said Jupiter, for aught I see, Monsieur
+Priapus.  You do not use to be so kind to everybody, let me tell you; for
+as they seek to eternize their names, it would be much better for them to
+be thus changed into hard stones than to return to earth and putrefaction.
+But now to other matters.  Yonder behind us, towards the Tuscan sea and the
+neighbourhood of Mount Apennine, do you see what tragedies are stirred up
+by certain topping ecclesiastical bullies?  This hot fit will last its
+time, like the Limosins' ovens, and then will be cooled, but not so fast.
+
+We shall have sport enough with it; but I foresee one inconveniency; for
+methinks we have but little store of thunder ammunition since the time that
+you, my fellow gods, for your pastime lavished them away to bombard new
+Antioch, by my particular permission; as since, after your example, the
+stout champions who had undertaken to hold the fortress of Dindenarois
+against all comers fairly wasted their powder with shooting at sparrows,
+and then, not having wherewith to defend themselves in time of need,
+valiantly surrendered to the enemy, who were already packing up their awls,
+full of madness and despair, and thought on nothing but a shameful retreat.
+Take care this be remedied, son Vulcan; rouse up your drowsy Cyclopes,
+Asteropes, Brontes, Arges, Polyphemus, Steropes, Pyracmon, and so forth,
+set them at work, and make them drink as they ought.
+
+Never spare liquor to such as are at hot work.  Now let us despatch this
+bawling fellow below.  You, Mercury, go see who it is, and know what he
+wants.  Mercury looked out at heaven's trapdoor, through which, as I am
+told, they hear what is said here below.  By the way, one might well enough
+mistake it for the scuttle of a ship; though Icaromenippus said it was like
+the mouth of a well.  The light-heeled deity saw that it was honest Tom,
+who asked for his lost hatchet; and accordingly he made his report to the
+synod.  Marry, said Jupiter, we are finely helped up, as if we had now
+nothing else to do here but to restore lost hatchets.  Well, he must have
+it then for all this, for so 'tis written in the Book of Fate (do you
+hear?), as well as if it was worth the whole duchy of Milan.  The truth is,
+the fellow's hatchet is as much to him as a kingdom to a king.  Come, come,
+let no more words be scattered about it; let him have his hatchet again.
+
+Now, let us make an end of the difference betwixt the Levites and
+mole-catchers of Landerousse.  Whereabouts were we?  Priapus was standing in
+the chimney-corner, and having heard what Mercury had reported, said in a
+most courteous and jovial manner:  King Jupiter, while by your order and
+particular favour I was garden-keeper-general on earth, I observed that this
+word hatchet is equivocal to many things; for it signifies a certain
+instrument by the means of which men fell and cleave timber.  It also
+signifies (at least I am sure it did formerly) a female soundly and
+frequently thumpthumpriggletickletwiddletobyed.  Thus I perceived that every
+cock of the game used to call his doxy his hatchet; for with that same tool
+(this he said lugging out and exhibiting his nine-inch knocker) they so
+strongly and resolutely shove and drive in their helves, that the females
+remain free from a fear epidemical amongst their sex, viz., that from the
+bottom of the male's belly the instrument should dangle at his heel for want
+of such feminine props.  And I remember, for I have a member, and a memory
+too, ay, and a fine memory, large enough to fill a butter-firkin; I
+remember, I say, that one day of tubilustre (horn-fair) at the festivals of
+goodman Vulcan in May, I heard Josquin Des Prez, Olkegan, Hobrecht,
+Agricola, Brumel, Camelin, Vigoris, De la Fage, Bruyer, Prioris, Seguin, De
+la Rue, Midy, Moulu, Mouton, Gascogne, Loyset, Compere, Penet, Fevin,
+Rousee, Richard Fort, Rousseau, Consilion, Constantio Festi, Jacquet Bercan,
+melodiously singing the following catch on a pleasant green:
+
+  Long John to bed went to his bride,
+  And laid a mallet by his side:
+  What means this mallet, John? saith she.
+  Why! 'tis to wedge thee home, quoth he.
+  Alas! cried she, the man's a fool:
+  What need you use a wooden tool?
+  When lusty John does to me come,
+  He never shoves but with his bum.
+
+Nine Olympiads, and an intercalary year after (I have a rare member, I
+would say memory; but I often make blunders in the symbolization and
+colligance of those two words), I heard Adrian Villart, Gombert, Janequin,
+Arcadet, Claudin, Certon, Manchicourt, Auxerre, Villiers, Sandrin, Sohier,
+Hesdin, Morales, Passereau, Maille, Maillart, Jacotin, Heurteur, Verdelot,
+Carpentras, L'Heritier, Cadeac, Doublet, Vermont, Bouteiller, Lupi,
+Pagnier, Millet, Du Moulin, Alaire, Maraut, Morpain, Gendre, and other
+merry lovers of music, in a private garden, under some fine shady trees,
+round about a bulwark of flagons, gammons, pasties, with several coated
+quails, and laced mutton, waggishly singing:
+
+  Since tools without their hafts are useless lumber,
+  And hatchets without helves are of that number;
+  That one may go in t'other, and may match it,
+  I'll be the helve, and thou shalt be the hatchet.
+
+Now would I know what kind of hatchet this bawling Tom wants?  This threw
+all the venerable gods and goddesses into a fit of laughter, like any
+microcosm of flies; and even set limping Vulcan a-hopping and jumping
+smoothly three or four times for the sake of his dear.  Come, come, said
+Jupiter to Mercury, run down immediately, and cast at the poor fellow's
+feet three hatchets:  his own, another of gold, and a third of massy
+silver, all of one size; then having left it to his will to take his
+choice, if he take his own, and be satisfied with it, give him the other
+two; if he take another, chop his head off with his own; and henceforth
+serve me all those losers of hatchets after that manner.  Having said this,
+Jupiter, with an awkward turn of his head, like a jackanapes swallowing of
+pills, made so dreadful a phiz that all the vast Olympus quaked again.
+Heaven's foot messenger, thanks to his low-crowned narrow-brimmed hat, his
+plume of feathers, heel-pieces, and running stick with pigeon wings, flings
+himself out at heaven's wicket, through the idle deserts of the air, and in
+a trice nimbly alights upon the earth, and throws at friend Tom's feet the
+three hatchets, saying unto him:  Thou hast bawled long enough to be a-dry;
+thy prayers and request are granted by Jupiter:  see which of these three
+is thy hatchet, and take it away with thee.  Wellhung lifts up the golden
+hatchet, peeps upon it, and finds it very heavy; then staring on Mercury,
+cries, Codszouks, this is none of mine; I won't ha't:  the same he did with
+the silver one, and said, 'Tis not this neither, you may e'en take them
+again.  At last he takes up his own hatchet, examines the end of the helve,
+and finds his mark there; then, ravished with joy, like a fox that meets
+some straggling poultry, and sneering from the tip of the nose, he cried,
+By the mass, this is my hatchet, master god; if you will leave it me, I
+will sacrifice to you a very good and huge pot of milk brimful, covered
+with fine strawberries, next ides of May.
+
+Honest fellow, said Mercury, I leave it thee; take it; and because thou
+hast wished and chosen moderately in point of hatchet, by Jupiter's command
+I give thee these two others; thou hast now wherewith to make thyself rich:
+be honest.  Honest Tom gave Mercury a whole cartload of thanks, and revered
+the most great Jupiter.  His old hatchet he fastens close to his leathern
+girdle, and girds it above his breech like Martin of Cambray; the two
+others, being more heavy, he lays on his shoulder.  Thus he plods on,
+trudging over the fields, keeping a good countenance amongst his neighbours
+and fellow-parishioners, with one merry saying or other after Patelin's
+way.  The next day, having put on a clean white jacket, he takes on his
+back the two precious hatchets and comes to Chinon, the famous city, noble
+city, ancient city, yea, the first city in the world, according to the
+judgment and assertion of the most learned Massorets.  At Chinon he turned
+his silver hatchet into fine testons, crown-pieces, and other white cash;
+his golden hatchet into fine angels, curious ducats, substantial ridders,
+spankers, and rose-nobles; then with them purchases a good number of farms,
+barns, houses, out-houses, thatched houses, stables, meadows, orchards,
+fields, vineyards, woods, arable lands, pastures, ponds, mills, gardens,
+nurseries, oxen, cows, sheep, goats, swine, hogs, asses, horses, hens,
+cocks, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, ducks, drakes, and a world of all
+other necessaries, and in a short time became the richest man in the
+country, nay, even richer than that limping scrape-good Maulevrier.  His
+brother bumpkins, and the other yeomen and country-puts thereabouts,
+perceiving his good fortune, were not a little amazed, insomuch that their
+former pity of poor Tom was soon changed into an envy of his so great and
+unexpected rise; and as they could not for their souls devise how this came
+about, they made it their business to pry up and down, and lay their heads
+together, to inquire, seek, and inform themselves by what means, in what
+place, on what day, what hour, how, why, and wherefore, he had come by this
+great treasure.
+
+At last, hearing it was by losing his hatchet, Ha, ha! said they, was there
+no more to do but to lose a hatchet to make us rich?  Mum for that; 'tis as
+easy as pissing a bed, and will cost but little.  Are then at this time the
+revolutions of the heavens, the constellations of the firmament, and
+aspects of the planets such, that whosoever shall lose a hatchet shall
+immediately grow rich?  Ha, ha, ha! by Jove, you shall e'en be lost, an't
+please you, my dear hatchet.  With this they all fairly lost their hatchets
+out of hand.  The devil of one that had a hatchet left; he was not his
+mother's son that did not lose his hatchet.  No more was wood felled or
+cleaved in that country through want of hatchets.  Nay, the Aesopian
+apologue even saith that certain petty country gents of the lower class,
+who had sold Wellhung their little mill and little field to have
+wherewithal to make a figure at the next muster, having been told that his
+treasure was come to him by that only means, sold the only badge of their
+gentility, their swords, to purchase hatchets to go lose them, as the silly
+clodpates did, in hopes to gain store of chink by that loss.
+
+You would have truly sworn they had been a parcel of your petty spiritual
+usurers, Rome-bound, selling their all, and borrowing of others, to buy
+store of mandates, a pennyworth of a new-made pope.
+
+Now they cried out and brayed, and prayed and bawled, and lamented, and
+invoked Jupiter:  My hatchet! my hatchet!  Jupiter, my hatchet! on this
+side, My hatchet! on that side, My hatchet!  Ho, ho, ho, ho, Jupiter, my
+hatchet!  The air round about rung again with the cries and howlings of
+these rascally losers of hatchets.
+
+Mercury was nimble in bringing them hatchets; to each offering that which
+he had lost, as also another of gold, and a third of silver.
+
+Every he still was for that of gold, giving thanks in abundance to the
+great giver, Jupiter; but in the very nick of time that they bowed and
+stooped to take it from the ground, whip, in a trice, Mercury lopped off
+their heads, as Jupiter had commanded; and of heads thus cut off the number
+was just equal to that of the lost hatchets.
+
+You see how it is now; you see how it goes with those who in the simplicity
+of their hearts wish and desire with moderation.  Take warning by this, all
+you greedy, fresh-water sharks, who scorn to wish for anything under ten
+thousand pounds; and do not for the future run on impudently, as I have
+sometimes heard you wishing, Would to God I had now one hundred
+seventy-eight millions of gold!  Oh! how I should tickle it off.  The deuce
+on you, what more might a king, an emperor, or a pope wish for?  For that
+reason, indeed, you see that after you have made such hopeful wishes, all
+the good that comes to you of it is the itch or the scab, and not a cross in
+your breeches to scare the devil that tempts you to make these wishes:  no
+more than those two mumpers, wishers after the custom of Paris; one of whom
+only wished to have in good old gold as much as hath been spent, bought, and
+sold in Paris, since its first foundations were laid, to this hour; all of
+it valued at the price, sale, and rate of the dearest year in all that space
+of time.  Do you think the fellow was bashful?  Had he eaten sour plums
+unpeeled?  Were his teeth on edge, I pray you?  The other wished Our Lady's
+Church brimful of steel needles, from the floor to the top of the roof, and
+to have as many ducats as might be crammed into as many bags as might be
+sewed with each and everyone of those needles, till they were all either
+broke at the point or eye.  This is to wish with a vengeance!  What think
+you of it?  What did they get by't, in your opinion?  Why at night both my
+gentlemen had kibed heels, a tetter in the chin, a churchyard cough in the
+lungs, a catarrh in the throat, a swingeing boil at the rump, and the devil
+of one musty crust of a brown george the poor dogs had to scour their
+grinders with.  Wish therefore for mediocrity, and it shall be given unto
+you, and over and above yet; that is to say, provided you bestir yourself
+manfully, and do your best in the meantime.
+
+Ay, but say you, God might as soon have given me seventy-eight thousand as
+the thirteenth part of one half; for he is omnipotent, and a million of
+gold is no more to him than one farthing.  Oh, ho! pray tell me who taught
+you to talk at this rate of the power and predestination of God, poor silly
+people?  Peace, tush, st, st, st! fall down before his sacred face and own
+the nothingness of your nothing.
+
+Upon this, O ye that labour under the affliction of the gout, I ground my
+hopes; firmly believing, that if so it pleases the divine goodness, you
+shall obtain health; since you wish and ask for nothing else, at least for
+the present.  Well, stay yet a little longer with half an ounce of
+patience.
+
+The Genoese do not use, like you, to be satisfied with wishing health
+alone, when after they have all the livelong morning been in a brown study,
+talked, pondered, ruminated, and resolved in the counting-houses of whom
+and how they may squeeze the ready, and who by their craft must be hooked
+in, wheedled,  bubbled, sharped, overreached, and choused; they go to the
+exchange, and greet one another with a Sanita e guadagno, Messer! health
+and gain to you, sir!  Health alone will not go down with the greedy
+curmudgeons; they over and above must wish for gain, with a pox to 'em; ay,
+and for the fine crowns, or scudi di Guadaigne; whence, heaven be praised!
+it happens many a time that the silly wishers and woulders are baulked, and
+get neither.
+
+Now, my lads, as you hope for good health, cough once aloud with lungs of
+leather; take me off three swingeing bumpers; prick up your ears; and you
+shall hear me tell wonders of the noble and good Pantagruel.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH BOOK.
+
+
+Chapter 4.I.
+
+How Pantagruel went to sea to visit the oracle of Bacbuc, alias the Holy
+Bottle.
+
+In the month of June, on Vesta's holiday, the very numerical day on which
+Brutus, conquering Spain, taught its strutting dons to truckle under him,
+and that niggardly miser Crassus was routed and knocked on the head by the
+Parthians, Pantagruel took his leave of the good Gargantua, his royal
+father.  The old gentleman, according to the laudable custom of the
+primitive Christians, devoutly prayed for the happy voyage of his son and
+his whole company, and then they took shipping at the port of Thalassa.
+Pantagruel had with him Panurge, Friar John des Entomeures, alias of the
+Funnels, Epistemon, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, Carpalin, cum multis
+aliis, his ancient servants and domestics; also Xenomanes, the great
+traveller, who had crossed so many dangerous roads, dikes, ponds, seas, and
+so forth, and was come some time before, having been sent for by Panurge.
+
+For certain good causes and considerations him thereunto moving, he had
+left with Gargantua, and marked out, in his great and universal
+hydrographical chart, the course which they were to steer to visit the
+Oracle of the Holy Bottle Bacbuc.  The number of ships were such as I
+described in the third book, convoyed by a like number of triremes, men of
+war, galleons, and feluccas, well-rigged, caulked, and stored with a good
+quantity of Pantagruelion.
+
+All the officers, droggermen, pilots, captains, mates, boatswains,
+midshipmen, quartermasters, and sailors, met in the Thalamege, Pantagruel's
+principal flag-ship, which had in her stern for her ensign a huge large
+bottle, half silver well polished, the other half gold enamelled with
+carnation; whereby it was easy to guess that white and red were the colours
+of the noble travellers, and that they went for the word of the Bottle.
+
+On the stern of the second was a lantern like those of the ancients,
+industriously made with diaphanous stone, implying that they were to pass
+by Lanternland.  The third ship had for her device a fine deep china ewer.
+The fourth, a double-handed jar of gold, much like an ancient urn.  The
+fifth, a famous can made of sperm of emerald.  The sixth, a monk's mumping
+bottle made of the four metals together.  The seventh, an ebony funnel, all
+embossed and wrought with gold after the Tauchic manner.  The eighth, an
+ivy goblet, very precious, inlaid with gold.  The ninth, a cup of fine
+Obriz gold.  The tenth, a tumbler of aromatic agoloch (you call it lignum
+aloes) edged with Cyprian gold, after the Azemine make.  The eleventh, a
+golden vine-tub of mosaic work.  The twelfth, a runlet of unpolished gold,
+covered with a small vine of large Indian pearl of Topiarian work.
+Insomuch that there was not a man, however in the dumps, musty,
+sour-looked, or melancholic he were, not even excepting that blubbering
+whiner Heraclitus, had he been there, but seeing this noble convoy of ships
+and their devices, must have been seized with present gladness of heart,
+and, smiling at the conceit, have said that the travellers were all honest
+topers, true pitcher-men, and have judged by a most sure prognostication
+that their voyage, both outward and homeward-bound, would be performed in
+mirth and perfect health.
+
+In the Thalamege, where was the general meeting, Pantagruel made a short
+but sweet exhortation, wholly backed with authorities from Scripture upon
+navigation; which being ended, with an audible voice prayers were said in
+the presence and hearing of all the burghers of Thalassa, who had flocked
+to the mole to see them take shipping.  After the prayers was melodiously
+sung a psalm of the holy King David, which begins, When Israel went out of
+Egypt; and that being ended, tables were placed upon deck, and a feast
+speedily served up. The Thalassians, who had also borne a chorus in the
+psalm, caused store of belly-timber to be brought out of their houses.  All
+drank to them; they drank to all; which was the cause that none of the
+whole company gave up what they had eaten, nor were sea-sick, with a pain
+at the head and stomach; which inconveniency they could not so easily have
+prevented by drinking, for some time before, salt water, either alone or
+mixed with wine; using quinces, citron peel, juice of pomegranates, sourish
+sweetmeats, fasting a long time, covering their stomachs with paper, or
+following such other idle remedies as foolish physicians prescribe to those
+that go to sea.
+
+Having often renewed their tipplings, each mother's son retired on board
+his own ship, and set sail all so fast with a merry gale at south-east; to
+which point of the compass the chief pilot, James Brayer by name, had
+shaped his course, and fixed all things accordingly.  For seeing that the
+Oracle of the Holy Bottle lay near Cathay, in the Upper India, his advice,
+and that of Xenomanes also, was not to steer the course which the
+Portuguese use, while sailing through the torrid zone, and Cape Bona
+Speranza, at the south point of Africa, beyond the equinoctial line, and
+losing sight of the northern pole, their guide, they make a prodigious long
+voyage; but rather to keep as near the parallel of the said India as
+possible, and to tack to the westward of the said pole, so that winding
+under the north, they might find themselves in the latitude of the port of
+Olone, without coming nearer it for fear of being shut up in the frozen
+sea; whereas, following this canonical turn, by the said parallel, they
+must have that on the right to the eastward, which at their departure was
+on their left.
+
+This proved a much shorter cut; for without shipwreck, danger, or loss of
+men, with uninterrupted good weather, except one day near the island of the
+Macreons, they performed in less than four months the voyage of Upper
+India, which the Portuguese, with a thousand inconveniences and innumerable
+dangers, can hardly complete in three years.  And it is my opinion, with
+submission to better judgments, that this course was perhaps steered by
+those Indians who sailed to Germany, and were honourably received by the
+King of the Swedes, while Quintus Metellus Celer was proconsul of the
+Gauls; as Cornelius Nepos, Pomponius Mela, and Pliny after them tell us.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.II.
+
+How Pantagruel bought many rarities in the island of Medamothy.
+
+That day and the two following they neither discovered land nor anything
+new; for they had formerly sailed that way:  but on the fourth they made an
+island called Medamothy, of a fine and delightful prospect, by reason of
+the vast number of lighthouses and high marble towers in its circuit, which
+is not less than that of Canada (sic).  Pantagruel, inquiring who governed
+there, heard that it was King Philophanes, absent at that time upon account
+of the marriage of his brother Philotheamon with the infanta of the kingdom
+of Engys.
+
+Hearing this, he went ashore in the harbour, and while every ship's crew
+watered, passed his time in viewing divers pictures, pieces of tapestry,
+animals, fishes, birds, and other exotic and foreign merchandises, which
+were along the walks of the mole and in the markets of the port.  For it
+was the third day of the great and famous fair of the place, to which the
+chief merchants of Africa and Asia resorted.  Out of these Friar John
+bought him two rare pictures; in one of which the face of a man that brings
+in an appeal was drawn to the life; and in the other a servant that wants a
+master, with every needful particular, action, countenance, look, gait,
+feature, and deportment, being an original by Master Charles Charmois,
+principal painter to King Megistus; and he paid for them in the court
+fashion, with conge and grimace.  Panurge bought a large picture, copied
+and done from the needle-work formerly wrought by Philomela, showing to her
+sister Progne how her brother-in-law Tereus had by force handselled her
+copyhold, and then cut out her tongue that she might not (as women will)
+tell tales.  I vow and swear by the handle of my paper lantern that it was
+a gallant, a mirific, nay, a most admirable piece.  Nor do you think, I
+pray you, that in it was the picture of a man playing the beast with two
+backs with a female; this had been too silly and gross:  no, no; it was
+another-guise thing, and much plainer.  You may, if you please, see it at
+Theleme, on the left hand as you go into the high gallery.  Epistemon
+bought another, wherein were painted to the life the ideas of Plato and the
+atoms of Epicurus.  Rhizotome purchased another, wherein Echo was drawn to
+the life.  Pantagruel caused to be bought, by Gymnast, the life and deeds
+of Achilles, in seventy-eight pieces of tapestry, four fathom long, and
+three fathom broad, all of Phrygian silk, embossed with gold and silver;
+the work beginning at the nuptials of Peleus and Thetis, continuing to the
+birth of Achilles; his youth, described by Statius Papinius; his warlike
+achievements, celebrated by Homer; his death and obsequies, written by Ovid
+and Quintus Calaber; and ending at the appearance of his ghost, and
+Polyxena's sacrifice, rehearsed by Euripides.
+
+He also caused to be bought three fine young unicorns; one of them a male
+of a chestnut colour, and two grey dappled females; also a tarand, whom he
+bought of a Scythian of the Gelones' country.
+
+A tarand is an animal as big as a bullock, having a head like a stag, or a
+little bigger, two stately horns with large branches, cloven feet, hair
+long like that of a furred Muscovite, I mean a bear, and a skin almost as
+hard as steel armour.  The Scythian said that there are but few tarands to
+be found in Scythia, because it varieth its colour according to the
+diversity of the places where it grazes and abides, and represents the
+colour of the grass, plants, trees, shrubs, flowers, meadows, rocks, and
+generally of all things near which it comes.  It hath this common with the
+sea-pulp, or polypus, with the thoes, with the wolves of India, and with
+the chameleon, which is a kind of a lizard so wonderful that Democritus
+hath written a whole book of its figure and anatomy, as also of its virtue
+and propriety in magic.  This I can affirm, that I have seen it change its
+colour, not only at the approach of things that have a colour, but by its
+own voluntary impulse, according to its fear or other affections; as, for
+example, upon a green carpet I have certainly seen it become green; but
+having remained there some time, it turned yellow, blue, tanned, and purple
+in course, in the same manner as you see a turkey-cock's comb change colour
+according to its passions.  But what we find most surprising in this tarand
+is, that not only its face and skin, but also its hair could take whatever
+colour was about it.  Near Panurge, with his kersey coat, its hair used to
+turn grey; near Pantagruel, with his scarlet mantle, its hair and skin grew
+red; near the pilot, dressed after the fashion of the Isiacs of Anubis in
+Egypt, its hair seemed all white, which two last colours the chameleons
+cannot borrow.
+
+When the creature was free from any fear or affection, the colour of its
+hair was just such as you see that of the asses of Meung.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.III.
+
+How Pantagruel received a letter from his father Gargantua, and of the
+strange way to have speedy news from far distant places.
+
+While Pantagruel was taken up with the purchase of those foreign animals,
+the noise of ten guns and culverins, together with a loud and joyful cheer
+of all the fleet, was heard from the mole.  Pantagruel looked towards the
+haven, and perceived that this was occasioned by the arrival of one of his
+father Gargantua's celoces, or advice-boats, named the Chelidonia; because
+on the stern of it was carved in Corinthian brass a sea-swallow, which is a
+fish as large as a dare-fish of Loire, all flesh, without scale, with
+cartilaginous wings (like a bat's) very long and broad, by the means of
+which I have seen them fly about three fathom above water, about a
+bow-shot.  At Marseilles 'tis called lendole.  And indeed that ship was as
+light as a swallow, so that it rather seemed to fly on the sea than to
+sail.  Malicorne, Gargantua's esquire carver, was come in her, being sent
+expressly by his master to have an account of his son's health and
+circumstances, and to bring him credentials.  When Malicorne had saluted
+Pantagruel, before the prince opened the letters, the first thing he said
+to him was, Have you here the Gozal, the heavenly messenger?  Yes, sir,
+said he; here it is swaddled up in this basket.  It was a grey pigeon,
+taken out of Gargantua's dove-house, whose young ones were just hatched
+when the advice-boat was going off.
+
+If any ill fortune had befallen Pantagruel, he would have fastened some
+black ribbon to his feet; but because all things had succeeded happily
+hitherto, having caused it to be undressed, he tied to its feet a white
+ribbon, and without any further delay let it loose.  The pigeon presently
+flew away, cutting the air with an incredible speed, as you know that there
+is no flight like a pigeon's, especially when it hath eggs or young ones,
+through the extreme care which nature hath fixed in it to relieve and be
+with its young; insomuch that in less than two hours it compassed in the
+air the long tract which the advice-boat, with all her diligence, with oars
+and sails, and a fair wind, could not go through in less than three days
+and three nights; and was seen as it went into the dove-house in its nest.
+Whereupon Gargantua, hearing that it had the white ribbon on, was joyful
+and secure of his son's welfare.  This was the custom of the noble
+Gargantua and Pantagruel when they would have speedy news of something of
+great concern; as the event of some battle, either by sea or land; the
+surrendering or holding out of some strong place; the determination of some
+difference of moment; the safe or unhappy delivery of some queen or great
+lady; the death or recovery of their sick friends or allies, and so forth.
+They used to take the gozal, and had it carried from one to another by the
+post, to the places whence they desired to have news.  The gozal, bearing
+either a black or white ribbon, according to the occurrences and accidents,
+used to remove their doubts at its return, making in the space of one hour
+more way through the air than thirty postboys could have done in one
+natural day.  May not this be said to redeem and gain time with a
+vengeance, think you?  For the like service, therefore, you may believe as
+a most true thing that in the dove-houses of their farms there were to be
+found all the year long store of pigeons hatching eggs or rearing their
+young.  Which may be easily done in aviaries and voleries by the help of
+saltpetre and the sacred herb vervain.
+
+The gozal being let fly, Pantagruel perused his father Gargantua's letter,
+the contents of which were as followeth:
+
+My dearest Son,--The affection that naturally a father bears a beloved son
+is so much increased in me by reflecting on the particular gifts which by
+the divine goodness have been heaped on thee, that since thy departure it
+hath often banished all other thoughts out of my mind, leaving my heart
+wholly possessed with fear lest some misfortune has attended thy voyage;
+for thou knowest that fear was ever the attendant of true and sincere love.
+Now because, as Hesiod saith, A good beginning of anything is the half of
+it; or, Well begun's half done, according to the old saying; to free my
+mind from this anxiety I have expressly despatched Malicorne, that he may
+give me a true account of thy health at the beginning of thy voyage.  For
+if it be good, and such as I wish it, I shall easily foresee the rest.
+
+I have met with some diverting books, which the bearer will deliver thee;
+thou mayest read them when thou wantest to unbend and ease thy mind from
+thy better studies.  He will also give thee at large the news at court.
+The peace of the Lord be with thee.  Remember me to Panurge, Friar John,
+Epistemon, Xenomanes, Gymnast, and thy other principal domestics.  Dated at
+our paternal seat, this 13th day of June.
+
+            Thy father and friend, Gargantua.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.IV.
+
+How Pantagruel writ to his father Gargantua, and sent him several
+curiosities.
+
+Pantagruel, having perused the letter, had a long conference with the
+esquire Malicorne; insomuch that Panurge, at last interrupting them, asked
+him, Pray, sir, when do you design to drink?  When shall we drink?  When
+shall the worshipful esquire drink?  What a devil! have you not talked long
+enough to drink?  It is a good motion, answered Pantagruel:  go, get us
+something ready at the next inn; I think 'tis the Centaur.  In the meantime
+he writ to Gargantua as followeth, to be sent by the aforesaid esquire:
+
+Most gracious Father,--As our senses and animal faculties are more
+discomposed at the news of events unexpected, though desired (even to an
+immediate dissolution of the soul from the body), than if those accidents
+had been foreseen, so the coming of Malicorne hath much surprised and
+disordered me.  For I had no hopes to see any of your servants, or to hear
+from you, before I had finished our voyage; and contented myself with the
+dear remembrance of your august majesty, deeply impressed in the hindmost
+ventricle of my brain, often representing you to my mind.
+
+But since you have made me happy beyond expectation by the perusal of your
+gracious letter, and the faith I have in your esquire hath revived my
+spirits by the news of your welfare, I am as it were compelled to do what
+formerly I did freely, that is, first to praise the blessed Redeemer, who
+by his divine goodness preserves you in this long enjoyment of perfect
+health; then to return you eternal thanks for the fervent affection which
+you have for me your most humble son and unprofitable servant.
+
+Formerly a Roman, named Furnius, said to Augustus, who had received his
+father into favour, and pardoned him after he had sided with Antony, that
+by that action the emperor had reduced him to this extremity, that for want
+of power to be grateful, both while he lived and after it, he should be
+obliged to be taxed with ingratitude.  So I may say, that the excess of
+your fatherly affection drives me into such a strait, that I shall be
+forced to live and die ungrateful; unless that crime be redressed by the
+sentence of the Stoics, who say that there are three parts in a benefit,
+the one of the giver, the other of the receiver, the third of the
+remunerator; and that the receiver rewards the giver when he freely
+receives the benefit and always remembers it; as, on the contrary, that man
+is most ungrateful who despises and forgets a benefit.  Therefore, being
+overwhelmed with infinite favours, all proceeding from your extreme
+goodness, and on the other side wholly incapable of making the smallest
+return, I hope at least to free myself from the imputation of ingratitude,
+since they can never be blotted out of my mind; and my tongue shall never
+cease to own that to thank you as I ought transcends my capacity.
+
+As for us, I have this assurance in the Lord's mercy and help, that the end
+of our voyage will be answerable to its beginning, and so it will be
+entirely performed in health and mirth.  I will not fail to set down in a
+journal a full account of our navigation, that at our return you may have
+an exact relation of the whole.
+
+I have found here a Scythian tarand, an animal strange and wonderful for
+the variations of colour on its skin and hair, according to the distinction
+of neighbouring things; it is as tractable and easily kept as a lamb.  Be
+pleased to accept of it.
+
+I also send you three young unicorns, which are the tamest of creatures.
+
+I have conferred with the esquire, and taught him how they must be fed.
+These cannot graze on the ground by reason of the long horn on their
+forehead, but are forced to browse on fruit trees, or on proper racks, or
+to be fed by hand, with herbs, sheaves, apples, pears, barley, rye, and
+other fruits and roots, being placed before them.
+
+I am amazed that ancient writers should report them to be so wild, furious,
+and dangerous, and never seen alive; far from it, you will find that they
+are the mildest things in the world, provided they are not maliciously
+offended.  Likewise I send you the life and deeds of Achilles in curious
+tapestry; assuring you whatever rarities of animals, plants, birds, or
+precious stones, and others, I shall be able to find and purchase in our
+travels, shall be brought to you, God willing, whom I beseech, by his
+blessed grace, to preserve you.
+
+From Medamothy, this 15th of June.  Panurge, Friar John, Epistemon,
+Zenomanes, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, and Carpalin, having most humbly
+kissed your hand, return your salute a thousand times.
+
+       Your most dutiful son and servant, Pantagruel.
+
+While Pantagruel was writing this letter, Malicorne was made welcome by all
+with a thousand goodly good-morrows and how-d'ye's; they clung about him so
+that I cannot tell you how much they made of him, how many humble services,
+how many from my love and to my love were sent with him.  Pantagruel,
+having writ his letters, sat down at table with him, and afterwards
+presented him with a large chain of gold, weighing eight hundred crowns,
+between whose septenary links some large diamonds, rubies, emeralds,
+turquoise stones, and unions were alternately set in.  To each of his
+bark's crew he ordered to be given five hundred crowns.  To Gargantua, his
+father, he sent the tarand covered with a cloth of satin, brocaded with
+gold, and the tapestry containing the life and deeds of Achilles, with the
+three unicorns in friezed cloth of gold trappings; and so they left
+Medamothy--Malicorne to return to Gargantua, Pantagruel to proceed in his
+voyage, during which Epistemon read to him the books which the esquire had
+brought, and because he found them jovial and pleasant, I shall give you an
+account of them, if you earnestly desire it.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.V.
+
+How Pantagruel met a ship with passengers returning from Lanternland.
+
+On the fifth day we began already to wind by little and little about the
+pole; going still farther from the equinoctial line, we discovered a
+merchant-man to the windward of us.  The joy for this was not small on both
+sides; we in hopes to hear news from sea, and those in the merchant-man
+from land.  So we bore upon 'em, and coming up with them we hailed them;
+and finding them to be Frenchmen of Xaintonge, backed our sails and lay by
+to talk to them.  Pantagruel heard that they came from Lanternland; which
+added to his joy, and that of the whole fleet.  We inquired about the state
+of that country, and the way of living of the Lanterns; and were told that
+about the latter end of the following July was the time prefixed for the
+meeting of the general chapter of the Lanterns; and that if we arrived
+there at that time, as we might easily, we should see a handsome,
+honourable, and jolly company of Lanterns; and that great preparations were
+making, as if they intended to lanternize there to the purpose.  We were
+told also that if we touched at the great kingdom of Gebarim, we should be
+honourably received and treated by the sovereign of that country, King
+Ohabe, who, as well as all his subjects, speaks Touraine French.
+
+While we were listening to these news, Panurge fell out with one Dingdong,
+a drover or sheep-merchant of Taillebourg.  The occasion of the fray was
+thus:
+
+This same Dingdong, seeing Panurge without a codpiece, with his spectacles
+fastened to his cap, said to one of his comrades, Prithee, look, is there
+not a fine medal of a cuckold?  Panurge, by reason of his spectacles, as
+you may well think, heard more plainly by half with his ears than usually;
+which caused him (hearing this) to say to the saucy dealer in mutton, in a
+kind of a pet:
+
+How the devil should I be one of the hornified fraternity, since I am not
+yet a brother of the marriage-noose, as thou art; as I guess by thy
+ill-favoured phiz?
+
+Yea, verily, quoth the grazier, I am married, and would not be otherwise
+for all the pairs of spectacles in Europe; nay, not for all the magnifying
+gimcracks in Africa; for I have got me the cleverest, prettiest,
+handsomest, properest, neatest, tightest, honestest, and soberest piece of
+woman's flesh for my wife that is in all the whole country of Xaintonge;
+I'll say that for her, and a fart for all the rest.  I bring her home a
+fine eleven-inch-long branch of red coral for her Christmas-box.  What hast
+thou to do with it? what's that to thee? who art thou? whence comest thou,
+O dark lantern of Antichrist?  Answer, if thou art of God.  I ask thee, by
+the way of question, said Panurge to him very seriously, if with the
+consent and countenance of all the elements, I had gingumbobbed, codpieced,
+and thumpthumpriggledtickledtwiddled thy so clever, so pretty, so handsome,
+so proper, so neat, so tight, so honest, and so sober female importance,
+insomuch that the stiff deity that has no forecast, Priapus (who dwells
+here at liberty, all subjection of fastened codpieces, or bolts, bars, and
+locks, abdicated), remained sticking in her natural Christmas-box in such a
+lamentable manner that it were never to come out, but eternally should
+stick there unless thou didst pull it out with thy teeth; what wouldst thou
+do?  Wouldst thou everlastingly leave it there, or wouldst thou pluck it
+out with thy grinders?  Answer me, O thou ram of Mahomet, since thou art
+one of the devil's gang.  I would, replied the sheepmonger, take thee such
+a woundy cut on this spectacle-bearing lug of thine with my trusty bilbo as
+would smite thee dead as a herring.  Thus, having taken pepper in the nose,
+he was lugging out his sword, but, alas!--cursed cows have short horns,--it
+stuck in the scabbard; as you know that at sea cold iron will easily take
+rust by reason of the excessive and nitrous moisture.  Panurge, so smitten
+with terror that his heart sunk down to his midriff, scoured off to
+Pantagruel for help; but Friar John laid hand on his flashing scimitar that
+was new ground, and would certainly have despatched Dingdong to rights, had
+not the skipper and some of his passengers beseeched Pantagruel not to
+suffer such an outrage to be committed on board his ship.  So the matter
+was made up, and Panurge and his antagonist shaked fists, and drank in
+course to one another in token of a perfect reconciliation.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.VI.
+
+How, the fray being over, Panurge cheapened one of Dingdong's sheep.
+
+This quarrel being hushed, Panurge tipped the wink upon Epistemon and Friar
+John, and taking them aside, Stand at some distance out of the way, said
+he, and take your share of the following scene of mirth.  You shall have
+rare sport anon, if my cake be not dough, and my plot do but take.  Then
+addressing himself to the drover, he took off to him a bumper of good
+lantern wine.  The other pledged him briskly and courteously.  This done,
+Panurge earnestly entreated him to sell him one of his sheep.
+
+But the other answered him, Is it come to that, friend and neighbour?
+Would you put tricks upon travellers?  Alas, how finely you love to play
+upon poor folk!  Nay, you seem a rare chapman, that's the truth on't.  Oh,
+what a mighty sheep-merchant you are!  In good faith, you look liker one of
+the diving trade than a buyer of sheep.  Adzookers, what a blessing it
+would be to have one's purse well lined with chink near your worship at a
+tripe-house when it begins to thaw!  Humph, humph, did not we know you
+well, you might serve one a slippery trick!  Pray do but see, good people,
+what a mighty conjuror the fellow would be reckoned.  Patience, said
+Panurge; but waiving that, be so kind as to sell me one of your sheep.
+Come, how much?  What do you mean, master of mine? answered the other.
+They are long-wool sheep; from these did Jason take his golden fleece.  The
+gold of the house of Burgundy was drawn from them.  Zwoons, man, they are
+oriental sheep, topping sheep, fatted sheep, sheep of quality.  Be it so,
+said Panurge; but sell me one of them, I beseech you; and that for a cause,
+paying you ready money upon the nail, in good and lawful occidental current
+cash.  Wilt say how much?  Friend, neighbour, answered the seller of
+mutton, hark ye me a little, on the ear.
+
+  Panurge.  On which side you please; I hear you.
+
+  Dingdong.  You are going to Lanternland, they say.
+
+  Panurge.  Yea, verily.
+
+  Dingdong.  To see fashions?
+
+  Panurge.  Even so.
+
+  Dingdong.  And be merry?
+
+  Panurge.  And be merry.
+
+  Dingdong.  Your name is, as I take it, Robin Mutton?
+
+  Panurge.  As you please for that, sweet sir.
+
+  Dingdong.  Nay, without offence.
+
+  Panurge.  So I would have it.
+
+  Dingdong.  You are, as I take it, the king's jester; aren't you?
+
+  Panurge.  Ay, ay, anything.
+
+  Dingdong.  Give me your hand--humph, humph, you go to see fashions, you
+are the king's jester, your name is Robin Mutton!  Do you see this same
+ram?  His name, too, is Robin.  Here, Robin, Robin, Robin!  Baea, baea,
+baea.  Hath he not a rare voice?
+
+  Panurge.  Ay, marry has he, a very fine and harmonious voice.
+
+  Dingdong.  Well, this bargain shall be made between you and me, friend
+and neighbour; we will get a pair of scales, then you Robin Mutton shall be
+put into one of them, and Tup Robin into the other.  Now I will hold you a
+peck of Busch oysters that in weight, value, and price he shall outdo you,
+and you shall be found light in the very numerical manner as when you shall
+be hanged and suspended.
+
+Patience, said Panurge; but you would do much for me and your whole
+posterity if you would chaffer with me for him, or some other of his
+inferiors.  I beg it of you; good your worship, be so kind.  Hark ye,
+friend of mine, answered the other; with the fleece of these your fine
+Rouen cloth is to be made; your Leominster superfine wool is mine arse to
+it; mere flock in comparison.  Of their skins the best cordovan will be
+made, which shall be sold for Turkey and Montelimart, or for Spanish
+leather at least.  Of the guts shall be made fiddle and harp strings that
+will sell as dear as if they came from Munican or Aquileia.  What do you
+think on't, hah?  If you please, sell me one of them, said Panurge, and I
+will be yours for ever.  Look, here's ready cash.  What's the price?  This
+he said exhibiting his purse stuffed with new Henricuses.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.VII.
+
+Which if you read you'll find how Panurge bargained with Dingdong.
+
+Neighbour, my friend, answered Dingdong, they are meat for none but kings
+and princes; their flesh is so delicate, so savoury, and so dainty that one
+would swear it melted in the mouth.  I bring them out of a country where
+the very hogs, God be with us, live on nothing but myrobolans.  The sows in
+the styes when they lie-in (saving the honour of this good company) are fed
+only with orange-flowers.  But, said Panurge, drive a bargain with me for
+one of them, and I will pay you for't like a king, upon the honest word of
+a true Trojan; come, come, what do you ask?  Not so fast, Robin, answered
+the trader; these sheep are lineally descended from the very family of the
+ram that wafted Phryxus and Helle over the sea since called the Hellespont.
+A pox on't, said Panurge, you are clericus vel addiscens!  Ita is a
+cabbage, and vere a leek, answered the merchant.  But, rr, rrr, rrrr,
+rrrrr, hoh Robin, rr, rrrrrrr, you don't understand that gibberish, do you?
+Now I think on't, over all the fields where they piss, corn grows as fast
+as if the Lord had pissed there; they need neither be tilled nor dunged.
+Besides, man, your chemists extract the best saltpetre in the world out of
+their urine.  Nay, with their very dung (with reverence be it spoken) the
+doctors in our country make pills that cure seventy-eight kinds of
+diseases, the least of which is the evil of St. Eutropius of Xaintes, from
+which, good Lord, deliver us!  Now what do you think on't, neighbour, my
+friend?  The truth is, they cost me money, that they do.  Cost what they
+will, cried Panurge, trade with me for one of them, paying you well.  Our
+friend, quoth the quacklike sheepman, do but mind the wonders of nature
+that are found in those animals, even in a member which one would think
+were of no use.  Take me but these horns, and bray them a little with an
+iron pestle, or with an andiron, which you please, it is all one to me;
+then bury them wherever you will, provided it be where the sun may shine,
+and water them frequently; in a few months I'll engage you will have the
+best asparagus in the world, not even excepting those of Ravenna.  Now,
+come and tell me whether the horns of your other knights of the bull's
+feather have such a virtue and wonderful propriety?
+
+Patience, said Panurge.  I don't know whether you be a scholar or no,
+pursued Dingdong; I have seen a world of scholars, I say great scholars,
+that were cuckolds, I'll assure you.  But hark you me, if you were a
+scholar, you should know that in the most inferior members of those
+animals, which are the feet, there is a bone, which is the heel, the
+astragalus, if you will have it so, wherewith, and with that of no other
+creature breathing, except the Indian ass and the dorcades of Libya, they
+used in old times to play at the royal game of dice, whereat Augustus the
+emperor won above fifty thousand crowns one evening.  Now such cuckolds as
+you will be hanged ere you get half so much at it.  Patience, said Panurge;
+but let us despatch.  And when, my friend and neighbour, continued the
+canting sheepseller, shall I have duly praised the inward members, the
+shoulders, the legs, the knuckles, the neck, the breast, the liver, the
+spleen, the tripes, the kidneys, the bladder, wherewith they make
+footballs; the ribs, which serve in Pigmyland to make little crossbows to
+pelt the cranes with cherry-stones; the head, which with a little brimstone
+serves to make a miraculous decoction to loosen and ease the belly of
+costive dogs?  A turd on't, said the skipper to his preaching passenger,
+what a fiddle-faddle have we here?  There is too long a lecture by half:
+sell him if thou wilt; if thou won't, don't let the man lose more time.  I
+hate a gibble-gabble and a rimble-ramble talk.  I am for a man of brevity.
+I will, for your sake, replied the holder-forth; but then he shall give me
+three livres, French money, for each pick and choose.  It is a woundy
+price, cried Panurge; in our country I could have five, nay six, for the
+money; see that you do not overreach me, master.  You are not the first man
+whom I have known to have fallen, even sometimes to the endangering, if not
+breaking, of his own neck, for endeavouring to rise all at once.  A murrain
+seize thee for a blockheaded booby, cried the angry seller of sheep; by the
+worthy vow of Our Lady of Charroux, the worst in this flock is four times
+better than those which the Coraxians in Tuditania, a country of Spain,
+used to sell for a gold talent each; and how much dost thou think, thou
+Hibernian fool, that a talent of gold was worth?  Sweet sir, you fall into
+a passion, I see, returned Panurge; well, hold, here is your money.
+Panurge, having paid his money, chose him out of all the flock a fine
+topping ram; and as he was hauling it along, crying out and bleating, all
+the rest, hearing and bleating in concert, stared to see whither their
+brother-ram should be carried.  In the meanwhile the drover was saying to
+his shepherds:  Ah! how well the knave could choose him out a ram; the
+whoreson has skill in cattle.  On my honest word, I reserved that very
+piece of flesh for the Lord of Cancale, well knowing his disposition; for
+the good man is naturally overjoyed when he holds a good-sized handsome
+shoulder of mutton, instead of a left-handed racket, in one hand, with a
+good sharp carver in the other.  God wot, how he belabours himself then.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.VIII.
+
+How Panurge caused Dingdong and his sheep to be drowned in the sea.
+
+On a sudden, you would wonder how the thing was so soon done--for my part I
+cannot tell you, for I had not leisure to mind it--our friend Panurge,
+without any further tittle-tattle, throws you his ram overboard into the
+middle of the sea, bleating and making a sad noise.  Upon this all the
+other sheep in the ship, crying and bleating in the same tone, made all the
+haste they could to leap nimbly into the sea, one after another; and great
+was the throng who should leap in first after their leader.  It was
+impossible to hinder them; for you know that it is the nature of sheep
+always to follow the first wheresoever it goes; which makes Aristotle, lib.
+9. De. Hist. Animal., mark them for the most silly and foolish animals in
+the world.  Dingdong, at his wits' end, and stark staring mad, as a man who
+saw his sheep destroy and drown themselves before his face, strove to
+hinder and keep them back with might and main; but all in vain:  they all
+one after t'other frisked and jumped into the sea, and were lost.  At last
+he laid hold on a huge sturdy one by the fleece, upon the deck of the ship,
+hoping to keep it back, and so save that and the rest; but the ram was so
+strong that it proved too hard for him, and carried its master into the
+herring pond in spite of his teeth--where it is supposed he drank somewhat
+more than his fill, so that he was drowned--in the same manner as one-eyed
+Polyphemus' sheep carried out of the den Ulysses and his companions.  The
+like happened to the shepherds and all their gang, some laying hold on
+their beloved tup, this by the horns, t'other by the legs, a third by the
+rump, and others by the fleece; till in fine they were all of them forced
+to sea, and drowned like so many rats.  Panurge, on the gunnel of the ship,
+with an oar in his hand, not to help them you may swear, but to keep them
+from swimming to the ship and saving themselves from drowning, preached and
+canted to them all the while like any little Friar (Oliver) Maillard, or
+another Friar John Burgess; laying before them rhetorical commonplaces
+concerning the miseries of this life and the blessings and felicity of the
+next; assuring them that the dead were much happier than the living in this
+vale of misery, and promised to erect a stately cenotaph and honorary tomb
+to every one of them on the highest summit of Mount Cenis at his return
+from Lanternland; wishing them, nevertheless, in case they were not yet
+disposed to shake hands with this life, and did not like their salt liquor,
+they might have the good luck to meet with some kind whale which might set
+them ashore safe and sound on some blessed land of Gotham, after a famous
+example.
+
+The ship being cleared of Dingdong and his tups:  Is there ever another
+sheepish soul left lurking on board? cried Panurge.  Where are those of
+Toby Lamb and Robin Ram that sleep while the rest are a-feeding?  Faith, I
+can't tell myself.  This was an old coaster's trick.  What think'st of it,
+Friar John, hah?  Rarely performed, answered Friar John; only methinks that
+as formerly in war, on the day of battle, a double pay was commonly
+promised the soldiers for that day; for if they overcame, there was enough
+to pay them; and if they lost, it would have been shameful for them to
+demand it, as the cowardly foresters did after the battle of Cerizoles;
+likewise, my friend, you ought not to have paid your man, and the money had
+been saved.  A fart for the money, said Panurge; have I not had above fifty
+thousand pounds' worth of sport?  Come now, let's be gone; the wind is
+fair.  Hark you me, my friend John; never did man do me a good turn, but I
+returned, or at least acknowledged it; no, I scorn to be ungrateful; I
+never was, nor ever will be.  Never did man do me an ill one without rueing
+the day that he did it, either in this world or the next.  I am not yet so
+much a fool neither.  Thou damn'st thyself like any old devil, quoth Friar
+John; it is written, Mihi vindictam, &c.  Matter of breviary, mark ye me
+(Motteux adds unnecessarily (by way of explanation), 'that's holy stuff.').
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.IX.
+
+How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Ennasin, and of the strange ways of
+being akin in that country.
+
+We had still the wind at south-south-west, and had been a whole day without
+making land.  On the third day, at the flies' uprising (which, you know, is
+some two or three hours after the sun's), we got sight of a triangular
+island, very much like Sicily for its form and situation.  It was called
+the Island of Alliances.
+
+The people there are much like your carrot-pated Poitevins, save only that
+all of them, men, women, and children, have their noses shaped like an ace
+of clubs.  For that reason the ancient name of the country was Ennasin.
+They were all akin, as the mayor of the place told us; at least they
+boasted so.
+
+You people of the other world esteem it a wonderful thing that, out of the
+family of the Fabii at Rome, on a certain day, which was the 13th of
+February, at a certain gate, which was the Porta Carmentalis, since named
+Scelerata, formerly situated at the foot of the Capitol, between the
+Tarpeian rock and the Tiber, marched out against the Veientes of Etruria
+three hundred and six men bearing arms, all related to each other, with
+five thousand other soldiers, every one of them their vassals, who were all
+slain near the river Cremera, that comes out of the lake of Beccano.  Now
+from this same country of Ennasin, in case of need, above three hundred
+thousand, all relations and of one family, might march out.  Their degrees
+of consanguinity and alliance are very strange; for being thus akin and
+allied to one another, we found that none was either father or mother,
+brother or sister, uncle or aunt, nephew or niece, son-in-law or
+daughter-in-law, godfather or godmother, to the other; unless, truly, a tall
+flat-nosed old fellow, who, as I perceived, called a little shitten-arsed
+girl of three or four years old, father, and the child called him daughter.
+
+Their distinction of degrees of kindred was thus:  a man used to call a
+woman, my lean bit; the woman called him, my porpoise.  Those, said Friar
+John, must needs stink damnably of fish when they have rubbed their bacon
+one with the other.  One, smiling on a young buxom baggage, said, Good
+morrow, dear currycomb.  She, to return him his civility, said, The like to
+you, my steed.  Ha! ha! ha! said Panurge, that is pretty well, in faith;
+for indeed it stands her in good stead to currycomb this steed.  Another
+greeted his buttock with a Farewell, my case.  She replied, Adieu, trial.
+By St. Winifred's placket, cried Gymnast, this case has been often tried.
+Another asked a she-friend of his, How is it, hatchet?  She answered him,
+At your service, dear helve.  Odds belly, saith Carpalin, this helve and
+this hatchet are well matched.  As we went on, I saw one who, calling his
+she-relation, styled her my crumb, and she called him, my crust.
+
+Quoth one to a brisk, plump, juicy female, I am glad to see you, dear tap.
+So am I to find you so merry, sweet spiggot, replied she.  One called a
+wench, his shovel; she called him, her peal:  one named his, my slipper;
+and she, my foot:  another, my boot; she, my shasoon.
+
+In the same degree of kindred, one called his, my butter; she called him,
+my eggs; and they were akin just like a dish of buttered eggs.  I heard one
+call his, my tripe, and she him, my faggot.  Now I could not, for the
+heart's blood of me, pick out or discover what parentage, alliance,
+affinity, or consanguinity was between them, with reference to our custom;
+only they told us that she was faggot's tripe.  (Tripe de fagot means the
+smallest sticks in a faggot.)  Another, complimenting his convenient, said,
+Yours, my shell; she replied, I was yours before, sweet oyster.  I reckon,
+said Carpalin, she hath gutted his oyster.  Another long-shanked ugly
+rogue, mounted on a pair of high-heeled wooden slippers, meeting a
+strapping, fusty, squabbed dowdy, says he to her, How is't my top?  She was
+short upon him, and arrogantly replied, Never the better for you, my whip.
+By St. Antony's hog, said Xenomanes, I believe so; for how can this whip be
+sufficient to lash this top?
+
+A college professor, well provided with cod, and powdered and prinked up,
+having a while discoursed with a great lady, taking his leave with these
+words, Thank you, sweetmeat; she cried, There needs no thanks, sour-sauce.
+Saith Pantagruel, This is not altogether incongruous, for sweet meat must
+have sour sauce.  A wooden loggerhead said to a young wench, It is long
+since I saw you, bag; All the better, cried she, pipe.  Set them together,
+said Panurge, then blow in their arses, it will be a bagpipe.  We saw,
+after that, a diminutive humpbacked gallant, pretty near us, taking leave
+of a she-relation of his, thus:  Fare thee well, friend hole; she
+reparteed, Save thee, friend peg.  Quoth Friar John, What could they say
+more, were he all peg and she all hole?  But now would I give something to
+know if every cranny of the hole can be stopped up with that same peg.
+
+A bawdy bachelor, talking with an old trout, was saying, Remember, rusty
+gun.  I will not fail, said she, scourer.  Do you reckon these two to be
+akin? said Pantagruel to the mayor.  I rather take them to be foes.  In our
+country a woman would take this as a mortal affront.  Good people of
+t'other world, replied the mayor, you have few such and so near relations
+as this gun and scourer are to one another; for they both come out of one
+shop.  What, was the shop their mother? quoth Panurge.  What mother, said
+the mayor, does the man mean?  That must be some of your world's affinity;
+we have here neither father nor mother.  Your little paltry fellows that
+live on t'other side the water, poor rogues, booted with wisps of hay, may
+indeed have such; but we scorn it.  The good Pantagruel stood gazing and
+listening; but at those words he had like to have lost all patience. (Here
+Motteux adds an aside--'os kai nun o Ermeneutes.  P.M.').
+
+Having very exactly viewed the situation of the island and the way of
+living of the Enassed nation, we went to take a cup of the creature at a
+tavern, where there happened to be a wedding after the manner of the
+country.  Bating that shocking custom, there was special good cheer.
+
+While we were there, a pleasant match was struck up betwixt a female called
+Pear (a tight thing, as we thought, but by some, who knew better things,
+said to be quaggy and flabby), and a young soft male, called Cheese,
+somewhat sandy.  (Many such matches have been, and they were formerly much
+commended.)  In our country we say, Il ne fut onques tel mariage, qu'est de
+la poire et du fromage; there is no match like that made between the pear
+and the cheese; and in many other places good store of such bargains have
+been driven.  Besides, when the women are at their last prayers, it is to
+this day a noted saying, that after cheese comes nothing.
+
+In another room I saw them marrying an old greasy boot to a young pliable
+buskin.  Pantagruel was told that young buskin took old boot to have and to
+hold because she was of special leather, in good case, and waxed, seared,
+liquored, and greased to the purpose, even though it had been for the
+fisherman that went to bed with his boots on.  In another room below, I saw
+a young brogue taking a young slipper for better for worse; which, they
+told us, was neither for the sake of her piety, parts, or person, but for
+the fourth comprehensive p, portion; the spankers, spur-royals,
+rose-nobles, and other coriander seed with which she was quilted all over.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.X.
+
+How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Chely, where he saw King St.
+Panigon.
+
+We sailed right before the wind, which we had at west, leaving those odd
+alliancers with their ace-of-clubs snouts, and having taken height by the
+sun, stood in for Chely, a large, fruitful, wealthy, and well-peopled
+island.  King St. Panigon, first of the name, reigned there, and, attended
+by the princes his sons and the nobles of his court, came as far as the
+port to receive Pantagruel, and conducted him to his palace; near the gate
+of which the queen, attended by the princesses her daughters and the court
+ladies, received us.  Panigon directed her and all her retinue to salute
+Pantagruel and his men with a kiss; for such was the civil custom of the
+country; and they were all fairly bussed accordingly, except Friar John,
+who stepped aside and sneaked off among the king's officers.  Panigon used
+all the entreaties imaginable to persuade Pantagruel to tarry there that
+day and the next; but he would needs be gone, and excused himself upon the
+opportunity of wind and weather, which, being oftener desired than enjoyed,
+ought not to be neglected when it comes.  Panigon, having heard these
+reasons, let us go, but first made us take off some five-and-twenty or
+thirty bumpers each.
+
+Pantagruel, returning to the port, missed Friar John, and asked why he was
+not with the rest of the company.  Panurge could not tell how to excuse
+him, and would have gone back to the palace to call him, when Friar John
+overtook them, and merrily cried, Long live the noble Panigon!  As I love
+my belly, he minds good eating, and keeps a noble house and a dainty
+kitchen.  I have been there, boys.  Everything goes about by dozens.  I was
+in good hopes to have stuffed my puddings there like a monk.  What! always
+in a kitchen, friend? said Pantagruel.  By the belly of St. Cramcapon,
+quoth the friar, I understand the customs and ceremonies which are used
+there much better than all the formal stuff, antique postures, and
+nonsensical fiddle-faddle that must be used with those women, magni magna,
+shittencumshita, cringes, grimaces, scrapes, bows, and congees; double
+honours this way, triple salutes that way, the embrace, the grasp, the
+squeeze, the hug, the leer, the smack, baso las manos de vostra merce, de
+vostra maesta.  You are most tarabin, tarabas, Stront; that's downright
+Dutch.  Why all this ado?  I don't say but a man might be for a bit by the
+bye and away, to be doing as well as his neighbours; but this little nasty
+cringing and courtesying made me as mad as any March devil.  You talk of
+kissing ladies; by the worthy and sacred frock I wear, I seldom venture
+upon it, lest I be served as was the Lord of Guyercharois.  What was it?
+said Pantagruel; I know him.  He is one of the best friends I have.
+
+He was invited to a sumptuous feast, said Friar John, by a relation and
+neighbour of his, together with all the gentlemen and ladies in the
+neighbourhood.  Now some of the latter expecting his coming, dressed the
+pages in women's clothes, and finified them like any babies; then ordered
+them to meet my lord at his coming near the drawbridge.  So the
+complimenting monsieur came, and there kissed the petticoated lads with
+great formality.  At last the ladies, who minded passages in the gallery,
+burst out with laughing, and made signs to the pages to take off their
+dress; which the good lord having observed, the devil a bit he durst make
+up to the true ladies to kiss them, but said, that since they had disguised
+the pages, by his great grandfather's helmet, these were certainly the very
+footmen and grooms still more cunningly disguised.  Odds fish, da jurandi,
+why do not we rather remove our humanities into some good warm kitchen of
+God, that noble laboratory, and there admire the turning of the spits, the
+harmonious rattling of the jacks and fenders, criticise on the position of
+the lard, the temperature of the pottages, the preparation for the dessert,
+and the order of the wine service?  Beati immaculati in via.  Matter of
+breviary, my masters.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XI.
+
+Why monks love to be in kitchens.
+
+This, said Epistemon, is spoke like a true monk; I mean like a right
+monking monk, not a bemonked monastical monkling.  Truly you put me in mind
+of some passages that happened at Florence, some twenty years ago, in a
+company of studious travellers, fond of visiting the learned, and seeing
+the antiquities of Italy, among whom I was.  As we viewed the situation and
+beauty of Florence, the structure of the dome, the magnificence of the
+churches and palaces, we strove to outdo one another in giving them their
+due; when a certain monk of Amiens, Bernard Lardon by name, quite angry,
+scandalized, and out of all patience, told us, I don't know what the devil
+you can find in this same town, that is so much cried up; for my part I
+have looked and pored and stared as well as the best of you; I think my
+eyesight is as clear as another body's, and what can one see after all?
+There are fine houses, indeed and that's all.  But the cage does not feed
+the birds.  God and Monsieur St. Bernard, our good patron, be with us! in
+all this same town I have not seen one poor lane of roasting cooks; and yet
+I have not a little looked about and sought for so necessary a part of a
+commonwealth:  ay, and I dare assure you that I have pried up and down with
+the exactness of an informer; as ready to number, both to the right and
+left, how many, and on what side, we might find most roasting cooks, as a
+spy would be to reckon the bastions of a town.  Now at Amiens, in four,
+nay, five times less ground than we have trod in our contemplations, I
+could have shown you above fourteen streets of roasting cooks, most
+ancient, savoury, and aromatic.  I cannot imagine what kind of pleasure you
+can have taken in gazing on the lions and Africans (so methinks you call
+their tigers) near the belfry, or in ogling the porcupines and estridges in
+the Lord Philip Strozzi's palace.  Faith and truth I had rather see a good
+fat goose at the spit.  This porphyry, those marbles are fine; I say
+nothing to the contrary; but our cheesecakes at Amiens are far better in my
+mind.  These ancient statues are well made; I am willing to believe it;
+but, by St. Ferreol of Abbeville, we have young wenches in our country
+which please me better a thousand times.
+
+What is the reason, asked Friar John, that monks are always to be found in
+kitchens, and kings, emperors, and popes are never there?  Is there not,
+said Rhizotome, some latent virtue and specific propriety hid in the
+kettles and pans, which, as the loadstone attracts iron, draws the monks
+there, and cannot attract emperors, popes, or kings?  Or is it a natural
+induction and inclination, fixed in the frocks and cowls, which of itself
+leads and forceth those good religious men into kitchens, whether they will
+or no?  He would speak of forms following matter, as Averroes calls them,
+answered Epistemon.  Right, said Friar John.
+
+I will not offer to solve this problem, said Pantagruel; for it is somewhat
+ticklish, and you can hardly handle it without coming off scurvily; but I
+will tell you what I have heard.
+
+Antigonus, King of Macedon, one day coming into one of the tents, where his
+cooks used to dress his meat, and finding there poet Antagoras frying a
+conger, and holding the pan himself, merrily asked him, Pray, Mr. Poet, was
+Homer frying congers when he wrote the deeds of Agamemnon?  Antagoras
+readily answered:  But do you think, sir, that when Agamemnon did them he
+made it his business to know if any in his camp were frying congers?  The
+king thought it an indecency that a poet should be thus a-frying in a
+kitchen; and the poet let the king know that it was a more indecent thing
+for a king to be found in such a place.  I'll clap another story upon the
+neck of this, quoth Panurge, and will tell you what Breton Villandry
+answered one day to the Duke of Guise.
+
+They were saying that at a certain battle of King Francis against Charles
+the Fifth, Breton, armed cap-a-pie to the teeth, and mounted like St.
+George, yet sneaked off, and played least in sight during the engagement.
+Blood and oons, answered Breton, I was there, and can prove it easily; nay,
+even where you, my lord, dared not have been.  The duke began to resent
+this as too rash and saucy; but Breton easily appeased him, and set them
+all a-laughing.  Egad, my lord, quoth he, I kept out of harm's way; I was
+all the while with your page Jack, skulking in a certain place where you
+had not dared hide your head as I did.  Thus discoursing, they got to their
+ships, and left the island of Chely.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XII.
+
+How Pantagruel passed by the land of Pettifogging, and of the strange way
+of living among the Catchpoles.
+
+Steering our course forwards the next day, we passed through Pettifogging,
+a country all blurred and blotted, so that I could hardly tell what to make
+on't.  There we saw some pettifoggers and catchpoles, rogues that will hang
+their father for a groat.  They neither invited us to eat or drink; but,
+with a multiplied train of scrapes and cringes, said they were all at our
+service for the Legem pone.
+
+One of our droggermen related to Pantagruel their strange way of living,
+diametrically opposed to that of our modern Romans; for at Rome a world of
+folks get an honest livelihood by poisoning, drubbing, lambasting,
+stabbing, and murthering; but the catchpoles earn theirs by being thrashed;
+so that if they were long without a tight lambasting, the poor dogs with
+their wives and children would be starved.  This is just, quoth Panurge,
+like those who, as Galen tells us, cannot erect the cavernous nerve towards
+the equinoctial circle unless they are soundly flogged.  By St. Patrick's
+slipper, whoever should jerk me so, would soon, instead of setting me
+right, throw me off the saddle, in the devil's name.
+
+The way is this, said the interpreter.  When a monk, levite, close-fisted
+usurer, or lawyer owes a grudge to some neighbouring gentleman, he sends to
+him one of those catchpoles or apparitors, who nabs, or at least cites him,
+serves a writ or warrant upon him, thumps, abuses, and affronts him
+impudently by natural instinct, and according to his pious instructions;
+insomuch, that if the gentleman hath but any guts in his brains, and is not
+more stupid than a gyrin frog, he will find himself obliged either to apply
+a faggot-stick or his sword to the rascal's jobbernowl, give him the gentle
+lash, or make him cut a caper out at the window, by way of correction.
+This done, Catchpole is rich for four months at least, as if bastinadoes
+were his real harvest; for the monk, levite, usurer, or lawyer will reward
+him roundly; and my gentleman must pay him such swingeing damages that his
+acres must bleed for it, and he be in danger of miserably rotting within a
+stone doublet, as if he had struck the king.
+
+Quoth Panurge, I know an excellent remedy against this used by the Lord of
+Basche.  What is it? said Pantagruel.  The Lord of Basche, said Panurge,
+was a brave, honest, noble-spirited gentleman, who, at his return from the
+long war in which the Duke of Ferrara, with the help of the French, bravely
+defended himself against the fury of Pope Julius the Second, was every day
+cited, warned, and prosecuted at the suit and for the sport and fancy of
+the fat prior of St. Louant.
+
+One morning, as he was at breakfast with some of his domestics (for he
+loved to be sometimes among them) he sent for one Loire, his baker, and his
+spouse, and for one Oudart, the vicar of his parish, who was also his
+butler, as the custom was then in France; then said to them before his
+gentlemen and other servants:  You all see how I am daily plagued with
+these rascally catchpoles.  Truly, if you do not lend me your helping hand,
+I am finally resolved to leave the country, and go fight for the sultan, or
+the devil, rather than be thus eternally teased.  Therefore, to be rid of
+their damned visits, hereafter, when any of them come here, be ready, you
+baker and your wife, to make your personal appearance in my great hall, in
+your wedding clothes, as if you were going to be affianced.  Here, take
+these ducats, which I give you to keep you in a fitting garb.  As for you,
+Sir Oudart, be sure you make your personal appearance there in your fine
+surplice and stole, not forgetting your holy water, as if you were to wed
+them.  Be you there also, Trudon, said he to his drummer, with your pipe
+and tabor.  The form of matrimony must be read, and the bride kissed; then
+all of you, as the witnesses used to do in this country, shall give one
+another the remembrance of the wedding, which you know is to be a blow with
+your fist, bidding the party struck remember the nuptials by that token.
+This will but make you have the better stomach to your supper; but when you
+come to the catchpole's turn, thrash him thrice and threefold, as you would
+a sheaf of green corn; do not spare him; maul him, drub him, lambast him,
+swinge him off, I pray you.  Here, take these steel gauntlets, covered with
+kid.  Head, back, belly, and sides, give him blows innumerable; he that
+gives him most shall be my best friend.  Fear not to be called to an
+account about it; I will stand by you; for the blows must seem to be given
+in jest, as it is customary among us at all weddings.
+
+Ay, but how shall we know the catchpole? said the man of God.  All sorts of
+people daily resort to this castle.  I have taken care of that, replied the
+lord.  When some fellow, either on foot, or on a scurvy jade, with a large
+broad silver ring on his thumb, comes to the door, he is certainly a
+catchpole; the porter having civilly let him in, shall ring the bell; then
+be all ready, and come into the hall, to act the tragi-comedy whose plot I
+have now laid for you.
+
+That numerical day, as chance would have it, came an old fat ruddy
+catchpole.  Having knocked at the gate, and then pissed, as most men will
+do, the porter soon found him out, by his large greasy spatterdashes, his
+jaded hollow-flanked mare, his bagful of writs and informations dangling at
+his girdle, but, above all, by the large silver hoop on his left thumb.
+
+The porter was civil to him, admitted him in kindly, and rung the bell
+briskly. As soon as the baker and his wife heard it, they clapped on their
+best clothes, and made their personal appearance in the hall, keeping their
+gravities like a new-made judge.  The dominie put on his surplice and
+stole, and as he came out of his office, met the catchpole, had him in
+there, and made him suck his face a good while, while the gauntlets were
+drawing on all hands; and then told him, You are come just in pudding-time;
+my lord is in his right cue.  We shall feast like kings anon; here is to be
+swingeing doings; we have a wedding in the house; here, drink and cheer up;
+pull away.
+
+While these two were at it hand-to-fist, Basche, seeing all his people in
+the hall in their proper equipage, sends for the vicar.  Oudart comes with
+the holy-water pot, followed by the catchpole, who, as he came into the
+hall, did not forget to make good store of awkward cringes, and then served
+Basche with a writ.  Basche gave him grimace for grimace, slipped an angel
+into his mutton-fist, and prayed him to assist at the contract and
+ceremony; which he did.  When it was ended, thumps and fisticuffs began to
+fly about among the assistants; but when it came to the catchpole's turn,
+they all laid on him so unmercifully with their gauntlets that they at last
+settled him, all stunned and battered, bruised and mortified, with one of
+his eyes black and blue, eight ribs bruised, his brisket sunk in, his
+omoplates in four quarters, his under jawbone in three pieces; and all this
+in jest, and no harm done.  God wot how the levite belaboured him, hiding
+within the long sleeve of his canonical shirt his huge steel gauntlet lined
+with ermine; for he was a strong-built ball, and an old dog at fisticuffs.
+The catchpole, all of a bloody tiger-like stripe, with much ado crawled
+home to L'Isle Bouchart, well pleased and edified, however, with Basche's
+kind reception; and, with the help of the good surgeons of the place, lived
+as long as you would have him.  From that time to this, not a word of the
+business; the memory of it was lost with the sound of the bells that rung
+with joy at his funeral.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XIII.
+
+How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord of Basche commended his servants.
+
+The catchpole being packed off on blind Sorrel--so he called his one-eyed
+mare--Basche sent for his lady, her women, and all his servants, into the
+arbour of his garden; had wine brought, attended with good store of
+pasties, hams, fruit, and other table-ammunition, for a nunchion; drank
+with them joyfully, and then told them this story:
+
+Master Francis Villon in his old age retired to St. Maxent in Poitou, under
+the patronage of a good honest abbot of the place.  There to make sport for
+the mob, he undertook to get the Passion acted, after the way, and in the
+dialect of the country.  The parts being distributed, the play having been
+rehearsed, and the stage prepared, he told the mayor and aldermen that the
+mystery might be ready after Niort fair, and that there only wanted
+properties and necessaries, but chiefly clothes fit for the parts; so the
+mayor and his brethren took care to get them.
+
+Villon, to dress an old clownish father greybeard, who was to represent God
+the father, begged of Friar Stephen Tickletoby, sacristan to the Franciscan
+friars of the place, to lend him a cope and a stole.  Tickletoby refused
+him, alleging that by their provincial statutes it was rigorously forbidden
+to give or lend anything to players.  Villon replied that the statute
+reached no farther than farces, drolls, antics, loose and dissolute games,
+and that he asked no more than what he had seen allowed at Brussels and
+other places.  Tickletoby notwithstanding peremptorily bid him provide
+himself elsewhere if he would, and not to hope for anything out of his
+monastical wardrobe.  Villon gave an account of this to the players, as of
+a most abominable action; adding, that God would shortly revenge himself,
+and make an example of Tickletoby.
+
+The Saturday following he had notice given him that Tickletoby, upon the
+filly of the convent--so they call a young mare that was never leaped yet
+--was gone a-mumping to St. Ligarius, and would be back about two in the
+afternoon.  Knowing this, he made a cavalcade of his devils of the Passion
+through the town.  They were all rigged with wolves', calves', and rams'
+skins, laced and trimmed with sheep's heads, bull's feathers, and large
+kitchen tenterhooks, girt with broad leathern girdles, whereat hanged
+dangling huge cow-bells and horse-bells, which made a horrid din.  Some
+held in their claws black sticks full of squibs and crackers; others had
+long lighted pieces of wood, upon which, at the corner of every street,
+they flung whole handfuls of rosin-dust, that made a terrible fire and
+smoke.  Having thus led them about, to the great diversion of the mob and
+the dreadful fear of little children, he finally carried them to an
+entertainment at a summer-house without the gate that leads to St.
+Ligarius.
+
+As they came near to the place, he espied Tickletoby afar off, coming home
+from mumping, and told them in macaronic verse:
+
+  Hic est de patria, natus, de gente belistra,
+  Qui solet antiqua bribas portare bisacco. (Motteux reads:
+
+  'Hic est mumpator natus de gente Cucowli,
+  Qui solet antiquo Scrappas portare bisacco.')
+
+A plague on his friarship, said the devils then; the lousy beggar would not
+lend a poor cope to the fatherly father; let us fright him.  Well said,
+cried Villon; but let us hide ourselves till he comes by, and then charge
+him home briskly with your squibs and burning sticks.  Tickletoby being
+come to the place, they all rushed on a sudden into the road to meet him,
+and in a frightful manner threw fire from all sides upon him and his filly
+foal, ringing and tingling their bells, and howling like so many real
+devils, Hho, hho, hho, hho, brrou, rrou, rrourrs, rrrourrs, hoo, hou, hou
+hho, hho, hhoi.  Friar Stephen, don't we play the devils rarely?  The filly
+was soon scared out of her seven senses, and began to start, to funk it, to
+squirt it, to trot it, to fart it, to bound it, to gallop it, to kick it,
+to spurn it, to calcitrate it, to wince it, to frisk it, to leap it, to
+curvet it, with double jerks, and bum-motions; insomuch that she threw down
+Tickletoby, though he held fast by the tree of the pack-saddle with might
+and main.  Now his straps and stirrups were of cord; and on the right side
+his sandals were so entangled and twisted that he could not for the heart's
+blood of him get out his foot.  Thus he was dragged about by the filly
+through the road, scratching his bare breech all the way; she still
+multiplying her kicks against him, and straying for fear over hedge and
+ditch, insomuch that she trepanned his thick skull so that his cockle
+brains were dashed out near the Osanna or high-cross.  Then his arms fell
+to pieces, one this way and the other that way; and even so were his legs
+served at the same time.  Then she made a bloody havoc with his puddings;
+and being got to the convent, brought back only his right foot and twisted
+sandal, leaving them to guess what was become of the rest.
+
+Villon, seeing that things had succeeded as he intended, said to his
+devils, You will act rarely, gentlemen devils, you will act rarely; I dare
+engage you'll top your parts.  I defy the devils of Saumur, Douay,
+Montmorillon, Langez, St. Espain, Angers; nay, by gad, even those of
+Poictiers, for all their bragging and vapouring, to match you.
+
+Thus, friends, said Basche, I foresee that hereafter you will act rarely
+this tragical farce, since the very first time you have so skilfully
+hampered, bethwacked, belammed, and bebumped the catchpole.  From this day
+I double your wages.  As for you, my dear, said he to his lady, make your
+gratifications as you please; you are my treasurer, you know.  For my part,
+first and foremost, I drink to you all.  Come on, box it about; it is good
+and cool.  In the second place, you, Mr. Steward, take this silver basin; I
+give it you freely.  Then you, my gentlemen of the horse, take these two
+silver-gilt cups, and let not the pages be horsewhipped these three months.
+My dear, let them have my best white plumes of feathers, with the gold
+buckles to them.  Sir Oudart, this silver flagon falls to your share; this
+other I give to the cooks.  To the valets de chambre I give this silver
+basket; to the grooms, this silver-gilt boat; to the porter, these two
+plates; to the hostlers, these ten porringers.  Trudon, take you these
+silver spoons and this sugar-box.  You, footman, take this large salt.
+Serve me well, and I will remember you.  For, on the word of a gentleman, I
+had rather bear in war one hundred blows on my helmet in the service of my
+country than be once cited by these knavish catchpoles merely to humour
+this same gorbellied prior.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XIV.
+
+A further account of catchpoles who were drubbed at Basche's house.
+
+Four days after another young, long-shanked, raw-boned catchpole coming to
+serve Basche with a writ at the fat prior's request, was no sooner at the
+gate but the porter smelt him out and rung the bell; at whose second pull
+all the family understood the mystery.  Loire was kneading his dough; his
+wife was sifting meal; Oudart was toping in his office; the gentlemen were
+playing at tennis; the Lord Basche at in-and-out with my lady; the
+waiting-men and gentle-women at push-pin; the officers at lanterloo, and the
+pages at hot-cockles, giving one another smart bangs.  They were all
+immediately informed that a catchpole was housed.
+
+Upon this Oudart put on his sacerdotal, and Loire and his wife their
+nuptial badges; Trudon piped it, and then tabored it like mad; all made
+haste to get ready, not forgetting the gauntlets.  Basche went into the
+outward yard; there the catchpole meeting him fell on his marrow-bones,
+begged of him not to take it ill if he served him with a writ at the suit
+of the fat prior; and in a pathetic speech let him know that he was a
+public person, a servant to the monking tribe, apparitor to the abbatial
+mitre, ready to do as much for him, nay, for the least of his servants,
+whensoever he would employ and use him.
+
+Nay, truly, said the lord, you shall not serve your writ till you have
+tasted some of my good Quinquenays wine, and been a witness to a wedding
+which we are to have this very minute.  Let him drink and refresh himself,
+added he, turning towards the levitical butler, and then bring him into the
+hall.  After which, Catchpole, well stuffed and moistened, came with Oudart
+to the place where all the actors in the farce stood ready to begin.  The
+sight of their game set them a-laughing, and the messenger of mischief
+grinned also for company's sake.  Then the mysterious words were muttered
+to and by the couple, their hands joined, the bride bussed, and all
+besprinkled with holy water.  While they were bringing wine and kickshaws,
+thumps began to trot about by dozens.  The catchpole gave the levite
+several blows.  Oudart, who had his gauntlet hid under his canonical shirt,
+draws it on like a mitten, and then, with his clenched fist, souse he fell
+on the catchpole and mauled him like a devil; the junior gauntlets dropped
+on him likewise like so many battering rams.  Remember the wedding by this,
+by that, by these blows, said they.  In short, they stroked him so to the
+purpose that he pissed blood out at mouth, nose, ears, and eyes, and was
+bruised, thwacked, battered, bebumped, and crippled at the back, neck,
+breast, arms, and so forth.  Never did the bachelors at Avignon in carnival
+time play more melodiously at raphe than was then played on the catchpole's
+microcosm.  At last down he fell.
+
+They threw a great deal of wine on his snout, tied round the sleeve of his
+doublet a fine yellow and green favour, and got him upon his snotty beast,
+and God knows how he got to L'Isle Bouchart; where I cannot truly tell you
+whether he was dressed and looked after or no, both by his spouse and the
+able doctors of the country; for the thing never came to my ears.
+
+The next day they had a third part to the same tune, because it did not
+appear by the lean catchpole's bag that he had served his writ.  So the fat
+prior sent a new catchpole, at the head of a brace of bums for his garde du
+corps, to summon my lord.  The porter ringing the bell, the whole family
+was overjoyed, knowing that it was another rogue.  Basche was at dinner
+with his lady and the gentlemen; so he sent for the catchpole, made him sit
+by him, and the bums by the women, and made them eat till their bellies
+cracked with their breeches unbuttoned.  The fruit being served, the
+catchpole arose from table, and before the bums cited Basche.  Basche
+kindly asked him for a copy of the warrant, which the other had got ready;
+he then takes witness and a copy of the summons.  To the catchpole and his
+bums he ordered four ducats for civility money.  In the meantime all were
+withdrawn for the farce.  So Trudon gave the alarm with his tabor.  Basche
+desired the catchpole to stay and see one of his servants married, and
+witness the contract of marriage, paying him his fee.  The catchpole
+slapdash was ready, took out his inkhorn, got paper immediately, and his
+bums by him.
+
+Then Loire came into the hall at one door, and his wife with the
+gentlewomen at another, in nuptial accoutrements.  Oudart, in
+pontificalibus, takes them both by their hands, asketh them their will,
+giveth them the matrimonial blessing, and was very liberal of holy water.
+The contract written, signed, and registered, on one side was brought wine
+and comfits; on the other, white and orange-tawny-coloured favours were
+distributed; on another, gauntlets privately handed about.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XV.
+
+How the ancient custom at nuptials is renewed by the catchpole.
+
+The catchpole, having made shift to get down a swingeing sneaker of Breton
+wine, said to Basche, Pray, sir, what do you mean?  You do not give one
+another the memento of the wedding.  By St. Joseph's wooden shoe, all good
+customs are forgot.  We find the form, but the hare is scampered; and the
+nest, but the birds are flown.  There are no true friends nowadays.  You
+see how, in several churches, the ancient laudable custom of tippling on
+account of the blessed saints O O, at Christmas, is come to nothing.  The
+world is in its dotage, and doomsday is certainly coming all so fast.  Now
+come on; the wedding, the wedding, the wedding; remember it by this.  This
+he said, striking Basche and his lady; then her women and the levite.  Then
+the tabor beat a point of war, and the gauntlets began to do their duty;
+insomuch that the catchpole had his crown cracked in no less than nine
+places.  One of the bums had his right arm put out of joint, and the other
+his upper jaw-bone or mandibule dislocated so that it hid half his chin,
+with a denudation of the uvula, and sad loss of the molar, masticatory, and
+canine teeth.  Then the tabor beat a retreat; the gauntlets were carefully
+hid in a trice, and sweetmeats afresh distributed to renew the mirth of the
+company.  So they all drank to one another, and especially to the catchpole
+and his bums.  But Oudart cursed and damned the wedding to the pit of hell,
+complaining that one of the bums had utterly disincornifistibulated his
+nether shoulder-blade.  Nevertheless, he scorned to be thought a flincher,
+and made shift to tope to him on the square.
+
+The jawless bum shrugged up his shoulders, joined his hands, and by signs
+begged his pardon; for speak he could not.  The sham bridegroom made his
+moan, that the crippled bum had struck him such a horrid thump with his
+shoulder-of-mutton fist on the nether elbow that he was grown quite
+esperruquanchuzelubelouzerireliced down to his very heel, to the no small
+loss of mistress bride.
+
+But what harm had poor I done? cried Trudon, hiding his left eye with his
+kerchief, and showing his tabor cracked on one side; they were not
+satisfied with thus poaching, black and bluing, and
+morrambouzevezengouzequoquemorgasacbaquevezinemaffreliding my poor eyes,
+but they have also broke my harmless drum.  Drums indeed are commonly
+beaten at weddings, and it is fit they should; but drummers are well
+entertained and never beaten.  Now let Beelzebub e'en take the drum, to
+make his devilship a nightcap.  Brother, said the lame catchpole, never
+fret thyself; I will make thee a present of a fine, large, old patent,
+which I have here in my bag, to patch up thy drum, and for Madame St.
+Ann's sake I pray thee forgive us.  By Our Lady of Riviere, the blessed
+dame, I meant no more harm than the child unborn.  One of the equerries,
+who, hopping and halting like a mumping cripple, mimicked the good limping
+Lord de la Roche Posay, directed his discourse to the bum with the pouting
+jaw, and told him:  What, Mr. Manhound, was it not enough thus to have
+morcrocastebezasteverestegrigeligoscopapopondrillated us all in our upper
+members with your botched mittens, but you must also apply such
+morderegripippiatabirofreluchamburelurecaquelurintimpaniments on our
+shinbones with the hard tops and extremities of your cobbled shoes.  Do
+you call this children's play?  By the mass, 'tis no jest.  The bum,
+wringing his hands, seemed to beg his pardon, muttering with his tongue,
+Mon, mon, mon, vrelon, von, von, like a dumb man.  The bride crying
+laughed, and laughing cried, because the catchpole was not satisfied with
+drubbing her without choice or distinction of members, but had also rudely
+roused and toused her, pulled off her topping, and not having the fear of
+her husband before his eyes, treacherously
+trepignemanpenillorifrizonoufresterfumbled tumbled and squeezed her lower
+parts.  The devil go with it, said Basche; there was much need indeed that
+this same Master King (this was the catchpole's name) should thus break my
+wife's back; however, I forgive him now; these are little nuptial
+caresses. But this I plainly perceive, that he cited me like an angel, and
+drubbed me like a devil.  He had something in him of Friar Thumpwell.
+Come, for all this, I must drink to him, and to you likewise, his trusty
+esquires.  But, said his lady, why hath he been so very liberal of his
+manual kindness to me, without the least provocation?  I assure you, I by
+no means like it; but this I dare say for him, that he hath the hardest
+knuckles that ever I felt on my shoulders.  The steward held his left arm
+in a scarf, as if it had been rent and torn in twain.  I think it was the
+devil, said he, that moved me to assist at these nuptials; shame on ill
+luck; I must needs be meddling with a pox, and now see what I have got by
+the bargain, both my arms are wretchedly engoulevezinemassed and bruised.
+Do you call this a wedding?  By St. Bridget's tooth, I had rather be at
+that of a Tom T--d-man.  This is, o' my word, even just such another feast
+as was that of the Lapithae, described by the philosopher of Samosata.
+One of the bums had lost his tongue.  The other two, tho' they had more
+need to complain, made their excuse as well as they could, protesting that
+they had no ill design in this dumbfounding; begging that, for goodness
+sake, they would forgive them; and so, tho' they could hardly budge a
+foot, or wag along, away they crawled.  About a mile from Basche's seat,
+the catchpole found himself somewhat out of sorts.  The bums got to L'Isle
+Bouchart, publicly saying that since they were born they had never seen an
+honester gentleman than the Lord of Basche, or civiller people than his,
+and that they had never been at the like wedding (which I verily believe);
+but that it was their own faults if they had been tickled off, and tossed
+about from post to pillar, since themselves had began the beating.  So
+they lived I cannot exactly tell you how many days after this.  But from
+that time to this it was held for a certain truth that Basche's money was
+more pestilential, mortal, and pernicious to the catchpoles and bums than
+were formerly the aurum Tholosanum and the Sejan horse to those that
+possessed them.  Ever since this he lived quietly, and Basche's wedding
+grew into a common proverb.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XVI.
+
+How Friar John made trial of the nature of the catchpoles.
+
+This story would seem pleasant enough, said Pantagruel, were we not to have
+always the fear of God before our eyes.  It had been better, said
+Epistemon, if those gauntlets had fallen upon the fat prior.  Since he took
+a pleasure in spending his money partly to vex Basche, partly to see those
+catchpoles banged, good lusty thumps would have done well on his shaved
+crown, considering the horrid concussions nowadays among those puny judges.
+What harm had done those poor devils the catchpoles?  This puts me in mind,
+said Pantagruel, of an ancient Roman named L. Neratius.  He was of noble
+blood, and for some time was rich; but had this tyrannical inclination,
+that whenever he went out of doors he caused his servants to fill their
+pockets with gold and silver, and meeting in the street your spruce
+gallants and better sort of beaux, without the least provocation, for his
+fancy, he used to strike them hard on the face with his fist; and
+immediately after that, to appease them and hinder them from complaining to
+the magistrates, he would give them as much money as satisfied them
+according to the law of the twelve tables.  Thus he used to spend his
+revenue, beating people for the price of his money.  By St. Bennet's sacred
+boot, quoth Friar John, I will know the truth of it presently.
+
+This said, he went on shore, put his hand in his fob, and took out twenty
+ducats; then said with a loud voice, in the hearing of a shoal of the
+nation of catchpoles, Who will earn twenty ducats for being beaten like the
+devil?  Io, Io, Io, said they all; you will cripple us for ever, sir, that
+is most certain; but the money is tempting.  With this they were all
+thronging who should be first to be thus preciously beaten.  Friar John
+singled him out of the whole knot of these rogues in grain, a red-snouted
+catchpole, who upon his right thumb wore a thick broad silver hoop, wherein
+was set a good large toadstone.  He had no sooner picked him out from the
+rest, but I perceived that they all muttered and grumbled; and I heard a
+young thin-jawed catchpole, a notable scholar, a pretty fellow at his pen,
+and, according to public report, much cried up for his honesty at Doctors'
+Commons, making his complaint and muttering because this same crimson phiz
+carried away all the practice, and that if there were but a score and a
+half of bastinadoes to be got, he would certainly run away with eight and
+twenty of them.  But all this was looked upon to be nothing but mere envy.
+
+Friar John so unmercifully thrashed, thumped, and belaboured Red-snout,
+back and belly, sides, legs, and arms, head, feet, and so forth, with the
+home and frequently repeated application of one of the best members of a
+faggot, that I took him to be a dead man; then he gave him the twenty
+ducats, which made the dog get on his legs, pleased like a little king or
+two.  The rest were saying to Friar John, Sir, sir, brother devil, if it
+please you to do us the favour to beat some of us for less money, we are
+all at your devilship's command, bags, papers, pens, and all.  Red-snout
+cried out against them, saying, with a loud voice, Body of me, you little
+prigs, will you offer to take the bread out of my mouth? will you take my
+bargain over my head? would you draw and inveigle from me my clients and
+customers?  Take notice, I summon you before the official this day
+sevennight; I will law and claw you like any old devil of Vauverd, that I
+will--Then turning himself towards Friar John, with a smiling and joyful
+look, he said to him, Reverend father in the devil, if you have found me a
+good hide, and have a mind to divert yourself once more by beating your
+humble servant, I will bate you half in half this time rather than lose
+your custom; do not spare me, I beseech you; I am all, and more than all,
+yours, good Mr. Devil; head, lungs, tripes, guts, and garbage; and that at
+a pennyworth, I'll assure you.  Friar John never heeded his proffers, but
+even left them.  The other catchpoles were making addresses to Panurge,
+Epistemon, Gymnast, and others, entreating them charitably to bestow upon
+their carcasses a small beating, for otherwise they were in danger of
+keeping a long fast; but none of them had a stomach to it.  Some time
+after, seeking fresh water for the ship's company, we met a couple of old
+female catchpoles of the place, miserably howling and weeping in concert.
+Pantagruel had kept on board, and already had caused a retreat to be
+sounded.  Thinking that they might be related to the catchpole that was
+bastinadoed, we asked them the occasion of their grief.  They replied that
+they had too much cause to weep; for that very hour, from an exalted triple
+tree, two of the honestest gentlemen in Catchpole-land had been made to cut
+a caper on nothing.  Cut a caper on nothing, said Gymnast; my pages use to
+cut capers on the ground; to cut a caper on nothing should be hanging and
+choking, or I am out.  Ay, ay, said Friar John; you speak of it like St.
+John de la Palisse.
+
+We asked them why they treated these worthy persons with such a choking
+hempen salad.  They told us they had only borrowed, alias stolen, the tools
+of the mass and hid them under the handle of the parish.  This is a very
+allegorical way of speaking, said Epistemon.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XVII.
+
+How Pantagruel came to the islands of Tohu and Bohu; and of the strange
+death of Wide-nostrils, the swallower of windmills.
+
+That day Pantagruel came to the two islands of Tohu and Bohu, where the
+devil a bit we could find anything to fry with.  For one Wide-nostrils,
+a huge giant, had swallowed every individual pan, skillet, kettle,
+frying-pan, dripping-pan, and brass and iron pot in the land, for want of
+windmills, which were his daily food.  Whence it happened that somewhat
+before day, about the hour of his digestion, the greedy churl was taken
+very ill with a kind of a surfeit, or crudity of stomach, occasioned, as
+the physicians said, by the weakness of the concocting faculty of his
+stomach, naturally disposed to digest whole windmills at a gust, yet unable
+to consume perfectly the pans and skillets; though it had indeed pretty
+well digested the kettles and pots, as they said they knew by the
+hypostases and eneoremes of four tubs of second-hand drink which he had
+evacuated at two different times that morning.  They made use of divers
+remedies, according to art, to give him ease; but all would not do; the
+distemper prevailed over the remedies; insomuch that the famous
+Wide-nostrils died that morning of so strange a death that I think you ought
+no longer to wonder at that of the poet Aeschylus.  It had been foretold him
+by the soothsayers that he would die on a certain day by the ruin of
+something that should fall on him.  The fatal day being come in its turn, he
+removed himself out of town, far from all houses, trees, (rocks,) or any
+other things that can fall and endanger by their ruin; and strayed in a
+large field, trusting himself to the open sky; there very secure, as he
+thought, unless indeed the sky should happen to fall, which he held to be
+impossible.  Yet they say that the larks are much afraid of it; for if it
+should fall, they must all be taken.
+
+The Celts that once lived near the Rhine--they are our noble valiant
+French--in ancient times were also afraid of the sky's falling; for being
+asked by Alexander the Great what they feared most in this world, hoping
+well they would say that they feared none but him, considering his great
+achievements, they made answer that they feared nothing but the sky's
+falling; however, not refusing to enter into a confederacy with so brave a
+king, if you believe Strabo, lib. 7, and Arrian, lib. I.
+
+Plutarch also, in his book of the face that appears on the body of the
+moon, speaks of one Phenaces, who very much feared the moon should fall on
+the earth, and pitied those that live under that planet, as the Aethiopians
+and Taprobanians, if so heavy a mass ever happened to fall on them, and
+would have feared the like of heaven and earth had they not been duly
+propped up and borne by the Atlantic pillars, as the ancients believed,
+according to Aristotle's testimony, lib. 5, Metaphys.  Notwithstanding all
+this, poor Aeschylus was killed by the fall of the shell of a tortoise,
+which falling from betwixt the claws of an eagle high in the air, just on
+his head, dashed out his brains.
+
+Neither ought you to wonder at the death of another poet, I mean old jolly
+Anacreon, who was choked with a grape-stone.  Nor at that of Fabius the
+Roman praetor, who was choked with a single goat's hair as he was supping
+up a porringer of milk.  Nor at the death of that bashful fool, who by
+holding in his wind, and for want of letting out a bum-gunshot, died
+suddenly in the presence of the Emperor Claudius.  Nor at that of the
+Italian buried on the Via Flaminia at Rome, who in his epitaph complains
+that the bite of a she-puss on his little finger was the cause of his
+death.  Nor of that of Q. Lecanius Bassus, who died suddenly of so small a
+prick with a needle on his left thumb that it could hardly be discerned.
+Nor of Quenelault, a Norman physician, who died suddenly at Montpellier,
+merely for having sideways took a worm out of his hand with a penknife.
+Nor of Philomenes, whose servant having got him some new figs for the first
+course of his dinner, whilst he went to fetch wine, a straggling well-hung
+ass got into the house, and seeing the figs on the table, without further
+invitation soberly fell to.  Philomenes coming into the room and nicely
+observing with what gravity the ass ate its dinner, said to the man, who
+was come back, Since thou hast set figs here for this reverend guest of
+ours to eat, methinks it is but reason thou also give him some of this wine
+to drink.  He had no sooner said this, but he was so excessively pleased,
+and fell into so exorbitant a fit of laughter, that the use of his spleen
+took that of his breath utterly away, and he immediately died.  Nor of
+Spurius Saufeius, who died supping up a soft-boiled egg as he came out of a
+bath.  Nor of him who, as Boccaccio tells us, died suddenly by picking his
+grinders with a sage-stalk.  Nor of Phillipot Placut, who being brisk and
+hale, fell dead as he was paying an old debt; which causes, perhaps, many
+not to pay theirs, for fear of the like accident.  Nor of the painter
+Zeuxis, who killed himself with laughing at the sight of the antique
+jobbernowl of an old hag drawn by him.  Nor, in short, of a thousand more
+of which authors write, as Varrius, Pliny, Valerius, J. Baptista Fulgosus,
+and Bacabery the elder.  In short, Gaffer Wide-nostrils choked himself with
+eating a huge lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot oven by the advice
+of physicians.
+
+They likewise told us there that the King of Cullan in Bohu had routed the
+grandees of King Mecloth, and made sad work with the fortresses of Belima.
+
+After this, we sailed by the islands of Nargues and Zargues; also by the
+islands of Teleniabin and Geleniabin, very fine and fruitful in ingredients
+for clysters; and then by the islands of Enig and Evig, on whose account
+formerly the Landgrave of Hesse was swinged off with a vengeance.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XVIII.
+
+How Pantagruel met with a great storm at sea.
+
+The next day we espied nine sail that came spooning before the wind; they
+were full of Dominicans, Jesuits, Capuchins, Hermits, Austins, Bernardins,
+Egnatins, Celestins, Theatins, Amadeans, Cordeliers, Carmelites, Minims,
+and the devil and all of other holy monks and friars, who were going to the
+Council of Chesil, to sift and garble some new articles of faith against
+the new heretics.  Panurge was overjoyed to see them, being most certain of
+good luck for that day and a long train of others.  So having courteously
+saluted the blessed fathers, and recommended the salvation of his precious
+soul to their devout prayers and private ejaculations, he caused
+seventy-eight dozen of Westphalia hams, units of pots of caviare, tens of
+Bolonia sausages, hundreds of botargoes, and thousands of fine angels, for
+the souls of the dead, to be thrown on board their ships.  Pantagruel seemed
+metagrabolized, dozing, out of sorts, and as melancholic as a cat.  Friar
+John, who soon perceived it, was inquiring of him whence should come this
+unusual sadness; when the master, whose watch it was, observing the
+fluttering of the ancient above the poop, and seeing that it began to
+overcast, judged that we should have wind; therefore he bid the boatswain
+call all hands upon deck, officers, sailors, foremast-men, swabbers, and
+cabin-boys, and even the passengers; made them first settle their topsails,
+take in their spritsail; then he cried, In with your topsails, lower the
+foresail, tallow under parrels, braid up close all them sails, strike your
+topmasts to the cap, make all sure with your sheeps-feet, lash your guns
+fast.  All this was nimbly done.  Immediately it blowed a storm; the sea
+began to roar and swell mountain-high; the rut of the sea was great, the
+waves breaking upon our ship's quarter; the north-west wind blustered and
+overblowed; boisterous gusts, dreadful clashing, and deadly scuds of wind
+whistled through our yards and made our shrouds rattle again.  The thunder
+grumbled so horridly that you would have thought heaven had been tumbling
+about our ears; at the same time it lightened, rained, hailed; the sky lost
+its transparent hue, grew dusky, thick, and gloomy, so that we had no other
+light than that of the flashes of lightning and rending of the clouds.  The
+hurricanes, flaws, and sudden whirlwinds began to make a flame about us by
+the lightnings, fiery vapours, and other aerial ejaculations.  Oh, how our
+looks were full of amazement and trouble, while the saucy winds did rudely
+lift up above us the mountainous waves of the main!  Believe me, it seemed
+to us a lively image of the chaos, where fire, air, sea, land, and all the
+elements were in a refractory confusion.  Poor Panurge having with the full
+contents of the inside of his doublet plentifully fed the fish, greedy
+enough of such odious fare, sat on the deck all in a heap, with his nose and
+arse together, most sadly cast down, moping and half dead; invoked and
+called to his assistance all the blessed he- and she-saints he could muster
+up; swore and vowed to confess in time and place convenient, and then bawled
+out frightfully, Steward, maitre d'hotel, see ho! my friend, my father, my
+uncle, prithee let us have a piece of powdered beef or pork; we shall drink
+but too much anon, for aught I see.  Eat little and drink the more will
+hereafter be my motto, I fear.  Would to our dear Lord, and to our blessed,
+worthy, and sacred Lady, I were now, I say, this very minute of an hour,
+well on shore, on terra firma, hale and easy.  O twice and thrice happy
+those that plant cabbages!  O destinies, why did you not spin me for a
+cabbage-planter?  O how few are there to whom Jupiter hath been so
+favourable as to predestinate them to plant cabbages!  They have always one
+foot on the ground, and the other not far from it.  Dispute who will of
+felicity and summum bonum, for my part whosoever plants cabbages is now, by
+my decree, proclaimed most happy; for as good a reason as the philosopher
+Pyrrho, being in the same danger, and seeing a hog near the shore eating
+some scattered oats, declared it happy in two respects; first, because it
+had plenty of oats, and besides that, was on shore.  Ha, for a divine and
+princely habitation, commend me to the cows' floor.
+
+Murder!  This wave will sweep us away, blessed Saviour!  O my friends! a
+little vinegar.  I sweat again with mere agony.  Alas! the mizen-sail's
+split, the gallery's washed away, the masts are sprung, the
+maintop-masthead dives into the sea; the keel is up to the sun; our shrouds
+are almost all broke, and blown away.  Alas! alas! where is our main course?
+Al is verlooren, by Godt! our topmast is run adrift.  Alas! who shall have
+this wreck?  Friend, lend me here behind you one of these whales.  Your
+lantern is fallen, my lads.  Alas! do not let go the main-tack nor the
+bowline.  I hear the block crack; is it broke?  For the Lord's sake, let us
+have the hull, and let all the rigging be damned.  Be, be, be, bous, bous,
+bous.  Look to the needle of your compass, I beseech you, good Sir
+Astrophil, and tell us, if you can, whence comes this storm.  My heart's
+sunk down below my midriff.  By my troth, I am in a sad fright, bou, bou,
+bou, bous, bous, I am lost for ever.  I conskite myself for mere madness and
+fear.  Bou, bou, bou, bou, Otto to to to to ti.  Bou, bou, bou, ou, ou, ou,
+bou, bou, bous.  I sink, I'm drowned, I'm gone, good people, I'm drowned.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XIX.
+
+What countenances Panurge and Friar John kept during the storm.
+
+Pantagruel, having first implored the help of the great and Almighty
+Deliverer, and prayed publicly with fervent devotion, by the pilot's advice
+held tightly the mast of the ship.  Friar John had stripped himself to his
+waistcoat, to help the seamen.  Epistemon, Ponocrates, and the rest did as
+much.  Panurge alone sat on his breech upon deck, weeping and howling.
+Friar John espied him going on the quarter-deck, and said to him, Odzoons!
+Panurge the calf, Panurge the whiner, Panurge the brayer, would it not
+become thee much better to lend us here a helping hand than to lie lowing
+like a cow, as thou dost, sitting on thy stones like a bald-breeched
+baboon?  Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, returned Panurge; Friar John, my
+friend, my good father, I am drowning, my dear friend!  I drown!  I am a
+dead man, my dear father in God; I am a dead man, my friend; your cutting
+hanger cannot save me from this; alas! alas! we are above ela.  Above the
+pitch, out of tune, and off the hinges.  Be, be, be, bou, bous.  Alas! we
+are now above g sol re ut.  I sink, I sink, ha, my father, my uncle, my
+all.  The water is got into my shoes by the collar; bous, bous, bous,
+paish, hu, hu, hu, he, he, he, ha, ha, I drown.  Alas! alas!  Hu, hu, hu,
+hu, hu, hu, hu, be, be, bous, bous, bobous, bobous, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,
+alas! alas!  Now I am like your tumblers, my feet stand higher than my
+head.  Would to heaven I were now with those good holy fathers bound for
+the council whom we met this morning, so godly, so fat, so merry, so plump
+and comely.  Holos, bolos, holas, holas, alas!  This devilish wave (mea
+culpa Deus), I mean this wave of God, will sink our vessel.  Alas!  Friar
+John, my father, my friend, confession.  Here I am down on my knees;
+confiteor; your holy blessing.  Come hither and be damned, thou pitiful
+devil, and help us, said Friar John (who fell a-swearing and cursing like a
+tinker), in the name of thirty legions of black devils, come; will you
+come?  Do not let us swear at this time, said Panurge; holy father, my
+friend, do not swear, I beseech you; to-morrow as much as you please.
+Holos, holos, alas! our ship leaks.  I drown, alas, alas!  I will give
+eighteen hundred thousand crowns to anyone that will set me on shore, all
+berayed and bedaubed as I am now.  If ever there was a man in my country in
+the like pickle.  Confiteor, alas! a word or two of testament or codicil at
+least.  A thousand devils seize the cuckoldy cow-hearted mongrel, cried
+Friar John.  Ods-belly, art thou talking here of making thy will now we are
+in danger, and it behoveth us to bestir our stumps lustily, or never?  Wilt
+thou come, ho devil?  Midshipman, my friend; O the rare lieutenant; here
+Gymnast, here on the poop.  We are, by the mass, all beshit now; our light
+is out.  This is hastening to the devil as fast as it can.  Alas, bou, bou,
+bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas, alas! said Panurge; was it here we were
+born to perish?  Oh! ho! good people, I drown, I die.  Consummatum est.  I
+am sped--Magna, gna, gna, said Friar John.  Fie upon him, how ugly the
+shitten howler looks.  Boy, younker, see hoyh.  Mind the pumps or the devil
+choke thee.  Hast thou hurt thyself?  Zoons, here fasten it to one of these
+blocks.  On this side, in the devil's name, hay--so, my boy.  Ah, Friar
+John, said Panurge, good ghostly father, dear friend, don't let us swear,
+you sin.  Oh, ho, oh, ho, be be be bous, bous, bhous, I sink, I die, my
+friends.  I die in charity with all the world.  Farewell, in manus.  Bohus
+bohous, bhousowauswaus.  St. Michael of Aure!  St. Nicholas! now, now or
+never, I here make you a solemn vow, and to our Saviour, that if you stand
+by me this time, I mean if you set me ashore out of this danger, I will
+build you a fine large little chapel or two, between Quande and Montsoreau,
+where neither cow nor calf shall feed.  Oh ho, oh ho.  Above eighteen
+pailfuls or two of it are got down my gullet; bous, bhous, bhous, bhous,
+how damned bitter and salt it is!  By the virtue, said Friar John, of the
+blood, the flesh, the belly, the head, if I hear thee again howling, thou
+cuckoldy cur, I'll maul thee worse than any sea-wolf.  Ods-fish, why don't
+we take him up by the lugs and throw him overboard to the bottom of the
+sea?  Hear, sailor; ho, honest fellow.  Thus, thus, my friend, hold fast
+above.  In truth, here is a sad lightning and thundering; I think that all
+the devils are got loose; it is holiday with them; or else Madame
+Proserpine is in child's labour:  all the devils dance a morrice.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XX.
+
+How the pilots were forsaking their ships in the greatest stress of
+weather.
+
+
+Oh, said Panurge, you sin, Friar John, my former crony! former, I say, for
+at this time I am no more, you are no more.  It goes against my heart to
+tell it you; for I believe this swearing doth your spleen a great deal of
+good; as it is a great ease to a wood-cleaver to cry hem at every blow, and
+as one who plays at ninepins is wonderfully helped if, when he hath not
+thrown his bowl right, and is like to make a bad cast, some ingenious
+stander-by leans and screws his body halfway about on that side which the
+bowl should have took to hit the pins.  Nevertheless, you offend, my sweet
+friend.  But what do you think of eating some kind of cabirotadoes?
+Wouldn't this secure us from this storm?  I have read that the ministers of
+the gods Cabiri, so much celebrated by Orpheus, Apollonius, Pherecydes,
+Strabo, Pausanias, and Herodotus were always secure in time of storm.  He
+dotes, he raves, the poor devil!  A thousand, a million, nay, a hundred
+million of devils seize the hornified doddipole.  Lend's a hand here, hoh,
+tiger, wouldst thou?  Here, on the starboard side.  Ods-me, thou buffalo's
+head stuffed with relics, what ape's paternoster art thou muttering and
+chattering here between thy teeth?  That devil of a sea-calf is the cause
+of all this storm, and is the only man who doth not lend a helping hand.
+By G--, if I come near thee, I'll fetch thee out by the head and ears with
+a vengeance, and chastise thee like any tempestative devil.  Here, mate, my
+lad, hold fast, till I have made a double knot.  O brave boy!  Would to
+heaven thou wert abbot of Talemouze, and that he that is were guardian of
+Croullay.  Hold, brother Ponocrates, you will hurt yourself, man.
+Epistemon, prithee stand off out of the hatchway.  Methinks I saw the
+thunder fall there but just now.  Con the ship, so ho--Mind your steerage.
+Well said, thus, thus, steady, keep her thus, get the longboat clear
+--steady.  Ods-fish, the beak-head is staved to pieces.  Grumble, devils,
+fart, belch, shite, a t--d o' the wave.  If this be weather, the devil's a
+ram.  Nay, by G--, a little more would have washed me clear away into the
+current.  I think all the legions of devils hold here their provincial
+chapter, or are polling, canvassing, and wrangling for the election of a
+new rector.  Starboard; well said.  Take heed; have a care of your noddle,
+lad, in the devil's name.  So ho, starboard, starboard.  Be, be, be, bous,
+bous, bous, cried Panurge; bous, bous, be, be, be, bous, bous, I am lost.
+I see neither heaven nor earth; of the four elements we have here only fire
+and water left.  Bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, bous.  Would it were the
+pleasure of the worthy divine bounty that I were at this present hour in
+the close at Seuille, or at Innocent's the pastry-cook over against the
+painted wine-vault at Chinon, though I were to strip to my doublet, and
+bake the petti-pasties myself.
+
+Honest man, could not you throw me ashore? you can do a world of good
+things, they say.  I give you all Salmigondinois, and my large shore full
+of whelks, cockles, and periwinkles, if, by your industry, I ever set foot
+on firm ground.  Alas, alas!  I drown.  Harkee, my friends, since we cannot
+get safe into port, let us come to an anchor in some road, no matter
+whither.  Drop all your anchors; let us be out of danger, I beseech you.
+Here, honest tar, get you into the chains, and heave the lead, an't please
+you.  Let us know how many fathom water we are in.  Sound, friend, in the
+Lord Harry's name.  Let us know whether a man might here drink easily
+without stooping.  I am apt to believe one might.  Helm a-lee, hoh, cried
+the pilot.  Helm a-lee; a hand or two at the helm; about ships with her;
+helm a-lee, helm a-lee.  Stand off from the leech of the sail.  Hoh! belay,
+here make fast below; hoh, helm a-lee, lash sure the helm a-lee, and let
+her drive.  Is it come to that? said Pantagruel; our good Saviour then help
+us.  Let her lie under the sea, cried James Brahier, our chief mate; let
+her drive.  To prayers, to prayers; let all think on their souls, and fall
+to prayers; nor hope to escape but by a miracle.  Let us, said Panurge,
+make some good pious kind of vow; alas, alas, alas! bou, bou, be, be, be,
+bous, bous, bous, oho, oho, oho, oho, let us make a pilgrim; come, come,
+let every man club his penny towards it, come on.  Here, here, on this
+side, said Friar John, in the devil's name.  Let her drive, for the Lord's
+sake unhang the rudder; hoh, let her drive, let her drive, and let us
+drink, I say, of the best and most cheering; d'ye hear, steward? produce,
+exhibit; for, d'ye see this, and all the rest will as well go to the devil
+out of hand.  A pox on that wind-broker Aeolus, with his fluster-blusters.
+Sirrah, page, bring me here my drawer (for so he called his breviary); stay
+a little here; haul, friend, thus.  Odzoons, here is a deal of hail and
+thunder to no purpose.  Hold fast above, I pray you.  When have we
+All-saints day?  I believe it is the unholy holiday of all the devil's crew.
+Alas! said Panurge, Friar John damns himself here as black as buttermilk
+for the nonce.  Oh, what a good friend I lose in him.  Alas, alas! this is
+another gats-bout than last year's.  We are falling out of Scylla into
+Charybdis.  Oho! I drown.  Confiteor; one poor word or two by way of
+testament, Friar John, my ghostly father; good Mr. Abstractor, my crony,
+my Achates, Xenomanes, my all.  Alas! I drown; two words of testament here
+upon this ladder.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXI.
+
+A continuation of the storm, with a short discourse on the subject of
+making testaments at sea.
+
+To make one's last will, said Epistemon, at this time that we ought to
+bestir ourselves and help our seamen, on the penalty of being drowned,
+seems to me as idle and ridiculous a maggot as that of some of Caesar's
+men, who, at their coming into the Gauls, were mightily busied in making
+wills and codicils; bemoaned their fortune and the absence of their spouses
+and friends at Rome, when it was absolutely necessary for them to run to
+their arms and use their utmost strength against Ariovistus their enemy.
+
+This also is to be as silly as that jolt-headed loblolly of a carter, who,
+having laid his waggon fast in a slough, down on his marrow-bones was
+calling on the strong-backed deity, Hercules, might and main, to help him
+at a dead lift, but all the while forgot to goad on his oxen and lay his
+shoulder to the wheels, as it behoved him; as if a Lord have mercy upon us
+alone would have got his cart out of the mire.
+
+What will it signify to make your will now? for either we shall come off or
+drown for it.  If we 'scape, it will not signify a straw to us; for
+testaments are of no value or authority but by the death of the testators.
+If we are drowned, will it not be drowned too?  Prithee, who will transmit
+it to the executors?  Some kind wave will throw it ashore, like Ulysses,
+replied Panurge; and some king's daughter, going to fetch a walk in the
+fresco, on the evening will find it, and take care to have it proved and
+fulfilled; nay, and have some stately cenotaph erected to my memory, as
+Dido had to that of her goodman Sichaeus; Aeneas to Deiphobus, upon the
+Trojan shore, near Rhoete; Andromache to Hector, in the city of Buthrot;
+Aristotle to Hermias and Eubulus; the Athenians to the poet Euripides; the
+Romans to Drusus in Germany, and to Alexander Severus, their emperor, in
+the Gauls; Argentier to Callaischre; Xenocrates to Lysidices; Timares to
+his son Teleutagoras; Eupolis and Aristodice to their son Theotimus;
+Onestus to Timocles; Callimachus to Sopolis, the son of Dioclides; Catullus
+to his brother; Statius to his father; Germain of Brie to Herve, the Breton
+tarpaulin.  Art thou mad, said Friar John, to run on at this rate?  Help,
+here, in the name of five hundred thousand millions of cartloads of devils,
+help! may a shanker gnaw thy moustachios, and the three rows of pock-royals
+and cauliflowers cover thy bum and turd-barrel instead of breeches and
+codpiece.  Codsooks, our ship is almost overset.  Ods-death, how shall we
+clear her? it is well if she do not founder.  What a devilish sea there
+runs!  She'll neither try nor hull; the sea will overtake her, so we shall
+never 'scape; the devil 'scape me.  Then Pantagruel was heard to make a sad
+exclamation, saying, with a loud voice, Lord save us, we perish; yet not as
+we would have it, but thy holy will be done.  The Lord and the blessed
+Virgin be with us, said Panurge.  Holos, alas, I drown; be be be bous, be
+bous, bous; in manus.  Good heavens, send me some dolphin to carry me safe
+on shore, like a pretty little Arion.  I shall make shift to sound the
+harp, if it be not unstrung.  Let nineteen legions of black devils seize
+me, said Friar John.  (The Lord be with us! whispered Panurge, between his
+chattering teeth.)  If I come down to thee, I'll show thee to some purpose
+that the badge of thy humanity dangles at a calf's breech, thou ragged,
+horned, cuckoldy booby--mgna, mgnan, mgnan--come hither and help us, thou
+great weeping calf, or may thirty millions of devils leap on thee.  Wilt
+thou come, sea-calf?  Fie; how ugly the howling whelp looks.  What, always
+the same ditty?  Come on now, my bonny drawer.  This he said, opening his
+breviary.  Come forward, thou and I must be somewhat serious for a while;
+let me peruse thee stiffly.  Beatus vir qui non abiit.  Pshaw, I know all
+this by heart; let us see the legend of Mons. St. Nicholas.
+
+  Horrida tempestas montem turbavit acutum.
+
+Tempest was a mighty flogger of lads at Mountagu College.  If pedants be
+damned for whipping poor little innocent wretches their scholars, he is,
+upon my honour, by this time fixed within Ixion's wheel, lashing the
+crop-eared, bobtailed cur that gives it motion.  If they are saved for
+having whipped innocent lads, he ought to be above the--
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXII.
+
+An end of the storm.
+
+Shore, shore! cried Pantagruel.  Land to, my friends, I see land!  Pluck up
+a good spirit, boys, 'tis within a kenning.  So! we are not far from a
+port.--I see the sky clearing up to the northwards.--Look to the
+south-east!  Courage, my hearts, said the pilot; now she'll bear the hullock
+of a sail; the sea is much smoother; some hands aloft to the maintop.  Put
+the helm a-weather.  Steady! steady!  Haul your after-mizen bowlines.  Haul,
+haul, haul!  Thus, thus, and no near.  Mind your steerage; bring your
+main-tack aboard.  Clear your sheets; clear your bowlines; port, port.  Helm
+a-lee.  Now to the sheet on the starboard side, thou son of a whore.  Thou
+art mightily pleased, honest fellow, quoth Friar John, with hearing make
+mention of thy mother.  Luff, luff, cried the quartermaster that conned the
+ship, keep her full, luff the helm.  Luff.  It is, answered the steersman.
+Keep her thus.  Get the bonnets fixed.  Steady, steady.
+
+That is well said, said Friar John now, this is something like a tansy.
+Come, come, come, children, be nimble.  Good.  Luff, luff, thus.  Helm
+a-weather.  That's well said and thought on.  Methinks the storm is almost
+over.  It was high time, faith; however, the Lord be thanked.  Our devils
+begin to scamper.  Out with all your sails.  Hoist your sails.  Hoist.
+That is spoke like a man, hoist, hoist.  Here, a God's name, honest
+Ponocrates; thou art a lusty fornicator; the whoreson will get none but
+boys.  Eusthenes, thou art a notable fellow.  Run up to the fore-topsail.
+Thus, thus.  Well said, i' faith; thus, thus.  I dare not fear anything all
+this while, for it is holiday.  Vea, vea, vea! huzza!  This shout of the
+seaman is not amiss, and pleases me, for it is holiday.  Keep her full
+thus.  Good.  Cheer up, my merry mates all, cried out Epistemon; I see
+already Castor on the right.  Be, be, bous, bous, bous, said Panurge; I am
+much afraid it is the bitch Helen.  It is truly Mixarchagenas, returned
+Epistemon, if thou likest better that denomination, which the Argives give
+him.  Ho, ho! I see land too; let her bear in with the harbour; I see a
+good many people on the beach; I see a light on an obeliscolychny.  Shorten
+your sails, said the pilot; fetch the sounding line; we must double that
+point of land, and mind the sands.  We are clear of them, said the sailors.
+Soon after, Away she goes, quoth the pilot, and so doth the rest of our
+fleet; help came in good season.
+
+By St. John, said Panurge, this is spoke somewhat like.  O the sweet word!
+there is the soul of music in it.  Mgna, mgna, mgna, said Friar John; if
+ever thou taste a drop of it, let the devil's dam taste me, thou ballocky
+devil.  Here, honest soul, here's a full sneaker of the very best.  Bring
+the flagons; dost hear, Gymnast: and that same large pasty jambic,
+gammonic, as you will have it.  Take heed you pilot her in right.
+
+Cheer up, cried out Pantagruel; cheer up, my boys; let us be ourselves
+again.  Do you see yonder, close by our ship, two barks, three sloops, five
+ships, eight pinks, four yawls, and six frigates making towards us, sent by
+the good people of the neighbouring island to our relief?  But who is this
+Ucalegon below, that cries and makes such a sad moan?  Were it not that I
+hold the mast firmly with both my hands, and keep it straighter than two
+hundred tacklings--I would--It is, said Friar John, that poor devil
+Panurge, who is troubled with a calf's ague; he quakes for fear when his
+belly's full.  If, said Pantagruel, he hath been afraid during this
+dreadful hurricane and dangerous storm, provided (waiving that) he hath
+done his part like a man, I do not value him a jot the less for it.  For as
+to fear in all encounters is the mark of a heavy and cowardly heart, as
+Agamemnon did, who for that reason is ignominiously taxed by Achilles with
+having dog's eyes and a stag's heart; so, not to fear when the case is
+evidently dreadful is a sign of want or smallness of judgment.  Now, if
+anything ought to be feared in this life, next to offending God, I will not
+say it is death.  I will not meddle with the disputes of Socrates and the
+academics, that death of itself is neither bad nor to be feared, but I will
+affirm that this kind of shipwreck is to be feared, or nothing is.  For, as
+Homer saith, it is a grievous, dreadful, and unnatural thing to perish at
+sea.  And indeed Aeneas, in the storm that took his fleet near Sicily, was
+grieved that he had not died by the hand of the brave Diomedes, and said
+that those were three, nay four times happy, who perished in the
+conflagration at Troy.  No man here hath lost his life, the Lord our
+Saviour be eternally praised for it! but in truth here is a ship sadly out
+of order.  Well, we must take care to have the damage repaired.  Take heed
+we do not run aground and bulge her.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXIII.
+
+How Panurge played the good fellow when the storm was over.
+
+What cheer, ho, fore and aft? quoth Panurge.  Oh ho! all is well, the storm
+is over.  I beseech ye, be so kind as to let me be the first that is sent
+on shore; for I would by all means a little untruss a point.  Shall I help
+you still?  Here, let me see, I will coil this rope; I have plenty of
+courage, and of fear as little as may be.  Give it me yonder, honest tar.
+No, no, I have not a bit of fear.  Indeed, that same decumane wave that
+took us fore and aft somewhat altered my pulse.  Down with your sails; well
+said.  How now, Friar John? you do nothing.  Is it time for us to drink
+now?  Who can tell but St. Martin's running footman Belzebuth may still be
+hatching us some further mischief?  Shall I come and help you again?  Pork
+and peas choke me, if I do heartily repent, though too late, not having
+followed the doctrine of the good philosopher who tells us that to walk by
+the sea and to navigate by the shore are very safe and pleasant things;
+just as 'tis to go on foot when we hold our horse by the bridle.  Ha! ha!
+ha! by G--, all goes well.  Shall I help you here too?  Let me see, I will
+do this as it should be, or the devil's in't.
+
+Epistemon, who had the inside of one of his hands all flayed and bloody,
+having held a tackling with might and main, hearing what Pantagruel had
+said, told him:  You may believe, my lord, I had my share of fear as well
+as Panurge; yet I spared no pains in lending my helping hand.  I considered
+that, since by fatal and unavoidable necessity we must all die, it is the
+blessed will of God that we die this or that hour, and this or that kind of
+death.  Nevertheless, we ought to implore, invoke, pray, beseech, and
+supplicate him; but we must not stop there; it behoveth us also to use our
+endeavours on our side, and, as the holy writ saith, to co-operate with
+him.
+
+You know what C. Flaminius, the consul, said when by Hannibal's policy he
+was penned up near the lake of Peruse, alias Thrasymene.  Friends, said he
+to his soldiers, you must not hope to get out of this place barely by vows
+or prayers to the gods; no, 'tis by fortitude and strength we must escape
+and cut ourselves a way with the edge of our swords through the midst of
+our enemies.
+
+Sallust likewise makes M. Portius Cato say this:  The help of the gods is
+not obtained by idle vows and womanish complaints; 'tis by vigilance,
+labour, and repeated endeavours that all things succeed according to our
+wishes and designs.  If a man in time of need and danger is negligent,
+heartless, and lazy, in vain he implores the gods; they are then justly
+angry and incensed against him.  The devil take me, said Friar John,--I'll
+go his halves, quoth Panurge,--if the close of Seville had not been all
+gathered, vintaged, gleaned, and destroyed, if I had only sung contra
+hostium insidias (matter of breviary) like all the rest of the monking
+devils, and had not bestirred myself to save the vineyard as I did,
+despatching the truant picaroons of Lerne with the staff of the cross.
+
+Let her sink or swim a God's name, said Panurge, all's one to Friar John;
+he doth nothing; his name is Friar John Do-little; for all he sees me here
+a-sweating and puffing to help with all my might this honest tar, first of
+the name.--Hark you me, dear soul, a word with you; but pray be not angry.
+How thick do you judge the planks of our ship to be?  Some two good inches
+and upwards, returned the pilot; don't fear.  Ods-kilderkins, said Panurge,
+it seems then we are within two fingers' breadth of damnation.
+
+Is this one of the nine comforts of matrimony?  Ah, dear soul, you do well
+to measure the danger by the yard of fear.  For my part, I have none on't;
+my name is William Dreadnought.  As for heart, I have more than enough
+on't.  I mean none of your sheep's heart; but of wolf's heart--the courage
+of a bravo.  By the pavilion of Mars, I fear nothing but danger.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXIV.
+
+How Panurge was said to have been afraid without reason during the storm.
+
+Good morrow, gentlemen, said Panurge; good morrow to you all; you are in
+very good health, thanks to heaven and yourselves; you are all heartily
+welcome, and in good time.  Let us go on shore.--Here, coxswain, get the
+ladder over the gunnel; man the sides; man the pinnace, and get her by the
+ship's side.  Shall I lend you a hand here?  I am stark mad for want of
+business, and would work like any two yokes of oxen.  Truly this is a fine
+place, and these look like a very good people.  Children, do you want me
+still in anything? do not spare the sweat of my body, for God's sake.
+Adam--that is, man--was made to labour and work, as the birds were made to
+fly.  Our Lord's will is that we get our bread with the sweat of our brows,
+not idling and doing nothing, like this tatterdemalion of a monk here, this
+Friar Jack, who is fain to drink to hearten himself up, and dies for fear.
+--Rare weather.--I now find the answer of Anacharsis, the noble philosopher,
+very proper.  Being asked what ship he reckoned the safest, he replied:
+That which is in the harbour.  He made a yet better repartee, said
+Pantagruel, when somebody inquiring which is greater, the number of the
+living or that of the dead, he asked them amongst which of the two they
+reckoned those that are at sea, ingeniously implying that they are
+continually in danger of death, dying alive, and living die.  Portius Cato
+also said that there were but three things of which he would repent:  if
+ever he had trusted his wife with his secret, if he had idled away a day,
+and if he had ever gone by sea to a place which he could visit by land.  By
+this dignified frock of mine, said Friar John to Panurge, friend, thou hast
+been afraid during the storm without cause or reason; for thou wert not
+born to be drowned, but rather to be hanged and exalted in the air, or to
+be roasted in the midst of a jolly bonfire.  My lord, would you have a good
+cloak for the rain; leave me off your wolf and badger-skin mantle; let
+Panurge but be flayed, and cover yourself with his hide.  But do not come
+near the fire, nor near your blacksmith's forges, a God's name; for in a
+moment you will see it in ashes.  Yet be as long as you please in the rain,
+snow, hail, nay, by the devil's maker, throw yourself or dive down to the
+very bottom of the water, I'll engage you'll not be wet at all.  Have some
+winter boots made of it, they'll never take in a drop of water; make
+bladders of it to lay under boys to teach them to swim, instead of corks,
+and they will learn without the least danger.  His skin, then, said
+Pantagruel, should be like the herb called true maiden's hair, which never
+takes wet nor moistness, but still keeps dry, though you lay it at the
+bottom of the water as long as you please; and for that reason is called
+Adiantos.
+
+Friend Panurge, said Friar John, I pray thee never be afraid of water; thy
+life for mine thou art threatened with a contrary element.  Ay, ay, replied
+Panurge, but the devil's cooks dote sometimes, and are apt to make horrid
+blunders as well as others; often putting to boil in water what was
+designed to be roasted on the fire; like the head-cooks of our kitchen, who
+often lard partridges, queests, and stock-doves with intent to roast them,
+one would think; but it happens sometimes that they e'en turn the
+partridges into the pot to be boiled with cabbages, the queests with leek
+pottage, and the stock-doves with turnips.  But hark you me, good friends,
+I protest before this noble company, that as for the chapel which I vowed
+to Mons. St. Nicholas between Quande and Montsoreau, I honestly mean that
+it shall be a chapel of rose-water, which shall be where neither cow nor
+calf shall be fed; for between you and I, I intend to throw it to the
+bottom of the water.  Here is a rare rogue for you, said Eusthenes; here is
+a pure rogue, a rogue in grain, a rogue enough, a rogue and a half.  He is
+resolved to make good the Lombardic proverb, Passato el pericolo, gabbato
+el santo.
+
+  The devil was sick, the devil a monk would be;
+  The devil was well, the devil a monk was he.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXV.
+
+How, after the storm, Pantagruel went on shore in the islands of the
+Macreons.
+
+Immediately after we went ashore at the port of an island which they called
+the island of the Macreons.  The good people of the place received us very
+honourably.  An old Macrobius (so they called their eldest elderman)
+desired Pantagruel to come to the town-house to refresh himself and eat
+something, but he would not budge a foot from the mole till all his men
+were landed.  After he had seen them, he gave order that they should all
+change clothes, and that some of all the stores in the fleet should be
+brought on shore, that every ship's crew might live well; which was
+accordingly done, and God wot how well they all toped and caroused.  The
+people of the place brought them provisions in abundance.  The
+Pantagruelists returned them more; as the truth is, theirs were somewhat
+damaged by the late storm.  When they had well stuffed the insides of their
+doublets, Pantagruel desired everyone to lend their help to repair the
+damage; which they readily did.  It was easy enough to refit there; for all
+the inhabitants of the island were carpenters and all such handicrafts as
+are seen in the arsenal at Venice.  None but the largest island was
+inhabited, having three ports and ten parishes; the rest being overrun with
+wood and desert, much like the forest of Arden.  We entreated the old
+Macrobius to show us what was worth seeing in the island; which he did; and
+in the desert and dark forest we discovered several old ruined temples,
+obelisks, pyramids, monuments, and ancient tombs, with divers inscriptions
+and epitaphs; some of them in hieroglyphic characters; others in the Ionic
+dialect; some in the Arabic, Agarenian, Slavonian, and other tongues; of
+which Epistemon took an exact account.  In the interim, Panurge said to
+Friar John, Is this the island of the Macreons?  Macreon signifies in Greek
+an old man, or one much stricken in years.  What is that to me? said Friar
+John; how can I help it?  I was not in the country when they christened it.
+Now I think on't, quoth Panurge, I believe the name of mackerel (Motteux
+adds, between brackets,--'that's a Bawd in French.') was derived from it;
+for procuring is the province of the old, as buttock-riggling is that of
+the young.  Therefore I do not know but this may be the bawdy or Mackerel
+Island, the original and prototype of the island of that name at Paris.
+Let's go and dredge for cock-oysters.  Old Macrobius asked, in the Ionic
+tongue, How, and by what industry and labour, Pantagruel got to their port
+that day, there having been such blustering weather and such a dreadful
+storm at sea.  Pantagruel told him that the Almighty Preserver of mankind
+had regarded the simplicity and sincere affection of his servants, who did
+not travel for gain or sordid profit, the sole design of their voyage being
+a studious desire to know, see, and visit the Oracle of Bacbuc, and take
+the word of the Bottle upon some difficulties offered by one of the
+company; nevertheless this had not been without great affliction and
+evident danger of shipwreck.  After that, he asked him what he judged to be
+the cause of that terrible tempest, and if the adjacent seas were thus
+frequently subject to storms; as in the ocean are the Ratz of Sammaieu,
+Maumusson, and in the Mediterranean sea the Gulf of Sataly, Montargentan,
+Piombino, Capo Melio in Laconia, the Straits of Gibraltar, Faro di Messina,
+and others.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXVI.
+
+How the good Macrobius gave us an account of the mansion and decease of the
+heroes.
+
+The good Macrobius then answered, Friendly strangers, this island is one of
+the Sporades; not of your Sporades that lie in the Carpathian sea, but one
+of the Sporades of the ocean; in former times rich, frequented, wealthy,
+populous, full of traffic, and in the dominions of the rulers of Britain,
+but now, by course of time, and in these latter ages of the world, poor and
+desolate, as you see.  In this dark forest, above seventy-eight thousand
+Persian leagues in compass, is the dwelling-place of the demons and heroes
+that are grown old, and we believe that some one of them died yesterday;
+since the comet which we saw for three days before together, shines no
+more; and now it is likely that at his death there arose this horrible
+storm; for while they are alive all happiness attends both this and the
+adjacent islands, and a settled calm and serenity.  At the death of every
+one of them, we commonly hear in the forest loud and mournful groans, and
+the whole land is infested with pestilence, earthquakes, inundations, and
+other calamities; the air with fogs and obscurity, and the sea with storms
+and hurricanes.  What you tell us seems to me likely enough, said
+Pantagruel.  For as a torch or candle, as long as it hath life enough and
+is lighted, shines round about, disperses its light, delights those that
+are near it, yields them its service and clearness, and never causes any
+pain or displeasure; but as soon as 'tis extinguished, its smoke and
+evaporation infects the air, offends the bystanders, and is noisome to all;
+so, as long as those noble and renowned souls inhabit their bodies, peace,
+profit, pleasure, and honour never leave the places where they abide; but
+as soon as they leave them, both the continent and adjacent islands are
+annoyed with great commotions; in the air fogs, darkness, thunder, hail;
+tremblings, pulsations, agitations of the earth; storms and hurricanes at
+sea; together with sad complaints amongst the people, broaching of
+religions, changes in governments, and ruins of commonwealths.
+
+We had a sad instance of this lately, said Epistemon, at the death of that
+valiant and learned knight, William du Bellay; during whose life France
+enjoyed so much happiness, that all the rest of the world looked upon it
+with envy, sought friendship with it, and stood in awe of its power; but
+soon after his decease it hath for a considerable time been the scorn of
+the rest of the world.
+
+Thus, said Pantagruel, Anchises being dead at Drepani in Sicily, Aeneas was
+dreadfully tossed and endangered by a storm; and perhaps for the same
+reason Herod, that tyrant and cruel King of Judaea, finding himself near
+the pangs of a horrid kind of death--for he died of a phthiriasis, devoured
+by vermin and lice; as before him died L. Sylla, Pherecydes the Syrian, the
+preceptor of Pythagoras, the Greek poet Alcmaeon, and others--and
+foreseeing that the Jews would make bonfires at his death, caused all the
+nobles and magistrates to be summoned to his seraglio out of all the
+cities, towns, and castles of Judaea, fraudulently pretending that he had
+some things of moment to impart to them.  They made their personal
+appearance; whereupon he caused them all to be shut up in the hippodrome of
+the seraglio; then said to his sister Salome and Alexander her husband:  I
+am certain that the Jews will rejoice at my death; but if you will observe
+and perform what I tell you, my funeral shall be honourable, and there will
+be a general mourning.  As soon as you see me dead, let my guards, to whom
+I have already given strict commission to that purpose, kill all the
+noblemen and magistrates that are secured in the hippodrome.  By these
+means all Jewry shall, in spite of themselves, be obliged to mourn and
+lament, and foreigners will imagine it to be for my death, as if some
+heroic soul had left her body.  A desperate tyrant wished as much when he
+said, When I die, let earth and fire be mixed together; which was as good
+as to say, let the whole world perish.  Which saying the tyrant Nero
+altered, saying, While I live, as Suetonius affirms it.  This detestable
+saying, of which Cicero, lib. De Finib., and Seneca, lib. 2, De Clementia,
+make mention, is ascribed to the Emperor Tiberius by Dion Nicaeus and
+Suidas.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXVII.
+
+Pantagruel's discourse of the decease of heroic souls; and of the dreadful
+prodigies that happened before the death of the late Lord de Langey.
+
+I would not, continued Pantagruel, have missed the storm that hath thus
+disordered us, were I also to have missed the relation of these things told
+us by this good Macrobius.  Neither am I unwilling to believe what he said
+of a comet that appears in the sky some days before such a decease.  For
+some of those souls are so noble, so precious, and so heroic that heaven
+gives us notice of their departing some days before it happens.  And as a
+prudent physician, seeing by some symptoms that his patient draws towards
+his end, some days before gives notice of it to his wife, children,
+kindred, and friends, that, in that little time he hath yet to live, they
+may admonish him to settle all things in his family, to tutor and instruct
+his children as much as he can, recommend his relict to his friends in her
+widowhood, and declare what he knows to be necessary about a provision for
+the orphans; that he may not be surprised by death without making his will,
+and may take care of his soul and family; in the same manner the heavens,
+as it were joyful for the approaching reception of those blessed souls,
+seem to make bonfires by those comets and blazing meteors, which they at
+the same time kindly design should prognosticate to us here that in a few
+days one of those venerable souls is to leave her body and this terrestrial
+globe.  Not altogether unlike this was what was formerly done at Athens by
+the judges of the Areopagus.  For when they gave their verdict to cast or
+clear the culprits that were tried before them, they used certain notes
+according to the substance of the sentences; by Theta signifying
+condemnation to death; by T, absolution; by A, ampliation or a demur, when
+the case was not sufficiently examined.  Thus having publicly set up those
+letters, they eased the relations and friends of the prisoners, and such
+others as desired to know their doom, of their doubts.  Likewise by these
+comets, as in ethereal characters, the heavens silently say to us, Make
+haste, mortals, if you would know or learn of the blessed souls anything
+concerning the public good or your private interest; for their catastrophe
+is near, which being past, you will vainly wish for them afterwards.
+
+The good-natured heavens still do more; and that mankind may be declared
+unworthy of the enjoyment of those renowned souls, they fright and astonish
+us with prodigies, monsters, and other foreboding signs that thwart the
+order of nature.
+
+Of this we had an instance several days before the decease of the heroic
+soul of the learned and valiant Chevalier de Langey, of whom you have
+already spoken.  I remember it, said Epistemon; and my heart still trembles
+within me when I think on the many dreadful prodigies that we saw five or
+six days before he died.  For the Lords D'Assier, Chemant, one-eyed Mailly,
+St. Ayl, Villeneufue-la-Guyart, Master Gabriel, physician of Savillan,
+Rabelais, Cohuau, Massuau, Majorici, Bullou, Cercu, alias Bourgmaistre,
+Francis Proust, Ferron, Charles Girard, Francis Bourre, and many other
+friends and servants to the deceased, all dismayed, gazed on each other
+without uttering one word; yet not without foreseeing that France would in
+a short time be deprived of a knight so accomplished and necessary for its
+glory and protection, and that heaven claimed him again as its due.  By the
+tufted tip of my cowl, cried Friar John, I am e'en resolved to become a
+scholar before I die.  I have a pretty good headpiece of my own, you must
+own.  Now pray give me leave to ask you a civil question.  Can these same
+heroes or demigods you talk of die?  May I never be damned if I was not so
+much a lobcock as to believe they had been immortal, like so many fine
+angels.  Heaven forgive me! but this most reverend father, Macroby, tells
+us they die at last.  Not all, returned Pantagruel.
+
+The Stoics held them all to be mortal, except one, who alone is immortal,
+impassible, invisible.  Pindar plainly saith that there is no more thread,
+that is to say, no more life, spun from the distaff and flax of the
+hard-hearted Fates for the goddesses Hamadryades than there is for those
+trees that are preserved by them, which are good, sturdy, downright oaks;
+whence they derived their original, according to the opinion of Callimachus
+and Pausanias in Phoci.  With whom concurs Martianus Capella.  As for the
+demigods, fauns, satyrs, sylvans, hobgoblins, aegipanes, nymphs, heroes, and
+demons, several men have, from the total sum, which is the result of the
+divers ages calculated by Hesiod, reckoned their life to be 9720 years; that
+sum consisting of four special numbers orderly arising from one, the same
+added together and multiplied by four every way amounts to forty; these
+forties, being reduced into triangles by five times, make up the total of
+the aforesaid number.  See Plutarch, in his book about the Cessation of
+Oracles.
+
+This, said Friar John, is not matter of breviary; I may believe as little
+or as much of it as you and I please.  I believe, said Pantagruel, that all
+intellectual souls are exempted from Atropos's scissors.  They are all
+immortal, whether they be of angels, or demons, or human; yet I will tell
+you a story concerning this that is very strange, but is written and
+affirmed by several learned historians.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXVIII.
+
+How Pantagruel related a very sad story of the death of the heroes.
+
+Epitherses, the father of Aemilian the rhetorician, sailing from Greece to
+Italy in a ship freighted with divers goods and passengers, at night the
+wind failed 'em near the Echinades, some islands that lie between the Morea
+and Tunis, and the vessel was driven near Paxos.  When they were got
+thither, some of the passengers being asleep, others awake, the rest eating
+and drinking, a voice was heard that called aloud, Thamous! which cry
+surprised them all.  This same Thamous was their pilot, an Egyptian by
+birth, but known by name only to some few travellers.  The voice was heard
+a second time calling Thamous, in a frightful tone; and none making answer,
+but trembling and remaining silent, the voice was heard a third time, more
+dreadful than before.
+
+This caused Thamous to answer:  Here am I; what dost thou call me for?
+What wilt thou have me do?  Then the voice, louder than before, bid him
+publish when he should come to Palodes, that the great god Pan was dead.
+
+Epitherses related that all the mariners and passengers, having heard this,
+were extremely amazed and frighted; and that, consulting among themselves
+whether they had best conceal or divulge what the voice had enjoined,
+Thamous said his advice was that if they happened to have a fair wind they
+should proceed without mentioning a word on't, but if they chanced to be
+becalmed he would publish what he had heard.  Now when they were near
+Palodes they had no wind, neither were they in any current.  Thamous then
+getting up on the top of the ship's forecastle, and casting his eyes on the
+shore, said that he had been commanded to proclaim that the great god Pan
+was dead.  The words were hardly out of his mouth, when deep groans, great
+lamentations, and doleful shrieks, not of one person, but of many together,
+were heard from the land.
+
+The news of this--many being present then--was soon spread at Rome;
+insomuch that Tiberius, who was then emperor, sent for this Thamous, and
+having heard him gave credit to his words.  And inquiring of the learned in
+his court and at Rome who was that Pan, he found by their relation that he
+was the son of Mercury and Penelope, as Herodotus and Cicero in his third
+book of the Nature of the Gods had written before.
+
+For my part, I understand it of that great Saviour of the faithful who was
+shamefully put to death at Jerusalem by the envy and wickedness of the
+doctors, priests, and monks of the Mosaic law.  And methinks my
+interpretation is not improper; for he may lawfully be said in the Greek
+tongue to be Pan, since he is our all.  For all that we are, all that we
+live, all that we have, all that we hope, is him, by him, from him, and in
+him.  He is the good Pan, the great shepherd, who, as the loving shepherd
+Corydon affirms, hath not only a tender love and affection for his sheep,
+but also for their shepherds.  At his death, complaints, sighs, fears, and
+lamentations were spread through the whole fabric of the universe, whether
+heavens, land, sea, or hell.
+
+The time also concurs with this interpretation of mine; for this most good,
+most mighty Pan, our only Saviour, died near Jerusalem during the reign of
+Tiberius Caesar.
+
+Pantagruel, having ended this discourse, remained silent and full of
+contemplation.  A little while after we saw the tears flow out of his eyes
+as big as ostrich's eggs.  God take me presently if I tell you one single
+syllable of a lie in the matter.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXIX.
+
+How Pantagruel sailed by the Sneaking Island, where Shrovetide reigned.
+
+The jovial fleet being refitted and repaired, new stores taken in, the
+Macreons over and above satisfied and pleased with the money spent there by
+Pantagruel, our men in better humour than they used to be, if possible, we
+merrily put to sea the next day, near sunset, with a delicious fresh gale.
+
+Xenomanes showed us afar off the Sneaking Island, where reigned Shrovetide,
+of whom Pantagruel had heard much talk formerly; for that reason he would
+gladly have seen him in person, had not Xenomanes advised him to the
+contrary; first, because this would have been much out of our way, and then
+for the lean cheer which he told us was to be found at that prince's court,
+and indeed all over the island.
+
+You can see nothing there for your money, said he, but a huge greedy-guts,
+a tall woundy swallower of hot wardens and mussels; a long-shanked
+mole-catcher; an overgrown bottler of hay; a mossy-chinned demi-giant, with
+a double shaven crown, of lantern breed; a very great loitering noddy-peaked
+youngster, banner-bearer to the fish-eating tribe, dictator of mustard-land,
+flogger of little children, calciner of ashes, father and foster-father to
+physicians, swarming with pardons, indulgences, and stations; a very honest
+man; a good catholic, and as brimful of devotion as ever he can hold.
+
+He weeps the three-fourth parts of the day, and never assists at any
+weddings; but, give the devil his due, he is the most industrious
+larding-stick and skewer-maker in forty kingdoms.
+
+About six years ago, as I passed by Sneaking-land, I brought home a large
+skewer from thence, and made a present of it to the butchers of Quande, who
+set a great value upon them, and that for a cause.  Some time or other, if
+ever we live to come back to our own country, I will show you two of them
+fastened on the great church porch.  His usual food is pickled coats of
+mail, salt helmets and head-pieces, and salt sallets; which sometimes makes
+him piss pins and needles.  As for his clothing, 'tis comical enough o'
+conscience, both for make and colour; for he wears grey and cold, nothing
+before, and nought behind, with the sleeves of the same.
+
+You will do me a kindness, said Pantagruel, if, as you have described his
+clothes, food, actions, and pastimes, you will also give me an account of
+his shape and disposition in all his parts.  Prithee do, dear cod, said
+Friar John, for I have found him in my breviary, and then follow the
+movable holy days.  With all my heart, answered Xenomanes; we may chance to
+hear more of him as we touch at the Wild Island, the dominions of the squab
+Chitterlings, his enemies, against whom he is eternally at odds; and were
+it not for the help of the noble Carnival, their protector and good
+neighbour, this meagre-looked lozelly Shrovetide would long before this
+have made sad work among them, and rooted them out of their habitation.
+Are these same Chitterlings, said Friar John, male or female, angels or
+mortals, women or maids?  They are, replied Xenomanes, females in sex,
+mortal in kind, some of them maids, others not.  The devil have me, said
+Friar John, if I ben't for them.  What a shameful disorder in nature, is it
+not, to make war against women?  Let's go back and hack the villain to
+pieces.  What! meddle with Shrovetide? cried Panurge, in the name of
+Beelzebub, I am not yet so weary of my life.  No, I'm not yet so mad as
+that comes to.  Quid juris?  Suppose we should find ourselves pent up
+between the Chitterlings and Shrovetide? between the anvil and the hammers?
+Shankers and buboes! stand off! godzooks, let us make the best of our way.
+I bid you good night, sweet Mr. Shrovetide; I recommend to you the
+Chitterlings, and pray don't forget the puddings.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXX.
+
+How Shrovetide is anatomized and described by Xenomanes.
+
+As for the inward parts of Shrovetide, said Xenomanes; his brain is (at
+least, it was in my time) in bigness, colours, substance, and strength,
+much like the left cod of a he hand-worm.
+
+The ventricles of his said brain,     The stomach, like a belt.
+  like an auger.                      The pylorus, like a pitchfork.
+The worm-like excrescence, like       The windpipe, like an oyster-
+  a Christmas-box.                      knife.
+The membranes, like a monk's          The throat, like a pincushion
+  cowl.                                 stuffed with oakum.
+The funnel, like a mason's chisel.    The lungs, like a prebend's
+The fornix, like a casket.              fur-gown.
+The glandula pinealis, like a bag-    The heart, like a cope.
+  pipe.                               The mediastine, like an earthen
+The rete mirabile, like a gutter.       cup.
+The dug-like processus, like a        The pleura, like a crow's bill.
+  patch.                              The arteries, like a watch-coat.
+The tympanums, like a whirli-         The midriff, like a montero-cap.
+  gig.                                The liver, like a double-tongued
+The rocky bones, like a goose-          mattock.
+  wing.                               The veins, like a sash-window.
+The nape of the neck, like a paper    The spleen, like a catcall.
+  lantern.                            The guts, like a trammel.
+The nerves, like a pipkin.            The gall, like a cooper's adze.
+The uvula, like a sackbut.            The entrails, like a gauntlet.
+The palate, like a mitten.            The mesentery, like an abbot's
+The spittle, like a shuttle.            mitre.
+The almonds, like a telescope.        The hungry gut, like a button.
+The bridge of his nose, like a        The blind gut, like a breastplate.
+  wheelbarrow.                        The colon, like a bridle.
+The head of the larynx, like a        The arse-gut, like a monk's
+  vintage-basket.                       leathern bottle.
+The kidneys, like a trowel.           The ligaments, like a tinker's
+The loins, like a padlock.              budget.
+The ureters, like a pothook.          The bones, like three-cornered
+The emulgent veins, like two            cheesecakes.
+  gilliflowers.                       The marrow, like a wallet.
+The spermatic vessels, like a         The cartilages, like a field-
+  cully-mully-puff.                           tortoise, alias a mole.
+The parastata, like an inkpot.        The glandules in the mouth, like
+The bladder, like a stone-bow.          a pruning-knife.
+The neck, like a mill-clapper.        The animal spirits, like swingeing
+The mirach, or lower parts of the       fisticuffs.
+  belly, like a high-crowned hat.     The blood-fermenting, like a
+The siphach, or its inner rind,         multiplication of flirts on the
+  like a wooden cuff.                   nose.
+The muscles, like a pair of bellows.  The urine, like a figpecker.
+The tendons, like a hawking-          The sperm, like a hundred
+  glove.                                ten-penny nails.
+
+And his nurse told me, that being married to Mid-lent, he only begot a good
+number of local adverbs and certain double fasts.
+
+His memory he had like a scarf.       His undertakings, like the ballast
+His common sense, like a buzzing        of a galleon.
+  of bees.                            His understanding, like a torn
+His imagination, like the chime         breviary.
+  of a set of bells.                  His notions, like snails crawling
+His thoughts, like a flight of star-    out of strawberries.
+  lings.                              His will, like three filberts in a
+His conscience, like the unnest-        porringer.
+  ling of a parcel of young           His desire, like six trusses of hay.
+  herons.                             His judgment, like a shoeing-
+His deliberations, like a set of        horn.
+  organs.                             His discretion, like the truckle of
+His repentance, like the carriage       a pulley.
+  of a double cannon.                 His reason, like a cricket.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXI.
+
+Shrovetide's outward parts anatomized.
+
+Shrovetide, continued Xenomanes, is somewhat better proportioned in his
+outward parts, excepting the seven ribs which he had over and above the
+common shape of men.
+
+His toes were like a virginal on     The peritoneum, or caul wherein
+  an organ.                            his bowels were wrapped, like
+His nails, like a gimlet.              a billiard-table.
+His feet, like a guitar.             His back, like an overgrown rack-
+His heels, like a club.                bent crossbow.
+The soles of his feet, like a cru-   The vertebrae, or joints of his
+  cible.                               backbone, like a bagpipe.
+His legs, like a hawk's lure.        His ribs, like a spinning-wheel.
+His knees, like a joint-stool.       His brisket, like a canopy.
+His thighs, like a steel cap.        His shoulder-blades, like a mortar.
+His hips, like a wimble.             His breast, like a game at nine-
+His belly as big as a tun, buttoned    pins.
+  after the old fashion, with a      His paps, like a hornpipe.
+  girdle riding over the middle      His armpits, like a chequer.
+  of his bosom.                      His shoulders, like a hand-barrow.
+His navel, like a cymbal.            His arms, like a riding-hood.
+His groin, like a minced pie.        His fingers, like a brotherhood's
+His member, like a slipper.            andirons.
+His purse, like an oil cruet.        The fibulae, or lesser bones of his
+His genitals, like a joiner's planer.  legs, like a pair of stilts.
+Their erecting muscles, like a       His shin-bones, like sickles.
+  racket.                            His elbows, like a mouse-trap.
+The perineum, like a flageolet.      His hands, like a curry-comb.
+His arse-hole, like a crystal look-  His neck, like a talboy.
+  ing-glass.                         His throat, like a felt to distil hip-
+His bum, like a harrow.                pocras.
+The knob in his throat, like a       His loins, like a butter-pot.
+  barrel, where hanged two           His jaws, like a caudle cup.
+  brazen wens, very fine and         His teeth, like a hunter's staff.
+  harmonious, in the shape of an       Of such colt's teeth as his,
+  hourglass.                           you will find one at Colonges
+His beard, like a lantern.             les Royaux in Poitou, and
+His chin, like a mushroom.             two at La Brosse in Xaintonge,
+His ears, like a pair of gloves.       on the cellar door.
+His nose, like a buskin.             His tongue, like a jew's-harp.
+His nostrils, like a forehead cloth. His mouth, like a horse-cloth.
+His eyebrows, like a dripping-pan.   His face embroidered like a mule's
+On his left brow was a mark of         pack-saddle.
+  the shape and bigness of an        His head contrived like a still.
+  urinal.                            His skull, like a pouch.
+His eyelids, like a fiddle.          The suturae, or seams of his skull,
+His eyes, like a comb-box.             like the annulus piscatoris, or
+His optic nerves, like a tinder-       the fisher's signet.
+  box.                               His skin, like a gabardine.
+His forehead, like a false cup.      His epidermis, or outward skin,
+His temples, like the cock of a        like a bolting-cloth.
+  cistern.                           His hair, like a scrubbing-brush.
+His cheeks, like a pair of wooden    His fur, such as above said.
+  shoes.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXII.
+
+A continuation of Shrovetide's countenance.
+
+'Tis a wonderful thing, continued Xenomanes, to hear and see the state of
+Shrovetide.
+
+If he chanced to spit, it was whole  When he trembled, it was large
+  basketsful of goldfinches.           venison pasties.
+If he blowed his nose, it was        When he did sweat, it was old
+  pickled grigs.                       ling with butter sauce.
+When he wept, it was ducks with      When he belched, it was bushels
+  onion sauce.                         of oysters.
+When he sneezed, it was whole        When he muttered, it was lawyers'
+  tubfuls of mustard.                  revels.
+When he coughed, it was boxes        When he hopped about, it was
+  of marmalade.                        letters of licence and protec-
+When he sobbed, it was water-          tions.
+  cresses.                           When he stepped back, it was
+When he yawned, it was potfuls         sea cockle-shells.
+  of pickled peas.                   When he slabbered, it was com-
+When he sighed, it was dried           mon ovens.
+  neats' tongues.                    When he was hoarse, it was an
+When he whistled, it was a whole       entry of morrice-dancers.
+  scuttleful of green apes.          When he broke wind, it was dun
+When he snored, it was a whole         cows' leather spatterdashes.
+  panful of fried beans.             When he funked, it was washed-
+When he frowned, it was soused         leather boots.
+  hogs' feet.                        When he scratched himself, it
+When he spoke, it was coarse           was new proclamations.
+  brown russet cloth; so little      When he sung, it was peas in
+  it was like crimson silk, with       cods.
+  which Parisatis desired that       When he evacuated, it was mush-
+  the words of such as spoke to        rooms and morilles.
+  her son Cyrus, King of Persia,     When he puffed, it was cabbages
+  should be interwoven.                with oil, alias caules amb'olif.
+When he blowed, it was indulg-       When he talked, it was the last
+  ence money-boxes.                    year's snow.
+When he winked, it was buttered      When he dreamt, it was of a
+  buns.                                cock and a bull.
+When he grumbled, it was March       When he gave nothing, so much
+  cats.                                for the bearer.
+When he nodded, it was iron-         If he thought to himself, it was
+  bound waggons.                       whimsies and maggots.
+When he made mouths, it was          If he dozed, it was leases of lands.
+  broken staves.
+
+What is yet more strange, he used to work doing nothing, and did nothing
+though he worked; caroused sleeping, and slept carousing, with his eyes
+open, like the hares in our country, for fear of being taken napping by the
+Chitterlings, his inveterate enemies; biting he laughed, and laughing bit;
+eat nothing fasting, and fasted eating nothing; mumbled upon suspicion,
+drank by imagination, swam on the tops of high steeples, dried his clothes
+in ponds and rivers, fished in the air, and there used to catch decumane
+lobsters; hunted at the bottom of the herring-pond, and caught there
+ibexes, stamboucs, chamois, and other wild goats; used to put out the eyes
+of all the crows which he took sneakingly; feared nothing but his own
+shadow and the cries of fat kids; used to gad abroad some days, like a
+truant schoolboy; played with the ropes of bells on festival days of
+saints; made a mallet of his fist, and writ on hairy parchment
+prognostications and almanacks with his huge pin-case.
+
+Is that the gentleman? said Friar John.  He is my man; this is the very
+fellow I looked for.  I will send him a challenge immediately.  This is,
+said Pantagruel, a strange and monstrous sort of man, if I may call him a
+man.  You put me in mind of the form and looks of Amodunt and Dissonance.
+How were they made? said Friar John.  May I be peeled like a raw onion if
+ever I heard a word of them.  I'll tell you what I read of them in some
+ancient apologues, replied Pantagruel.
+
+Physis--that is to say, Nature--at her first burthen begat Beauty and
+Harmony without carnal copulation, being of herself very fruitful and
+prolific.  Antiphysis, who ever was the counter part of Nature,
+immediately, out of a malicious spite against her for her beautiful and
+honourable productions, in opposition begot Amodunt and Dissonance by
+copulation with Tellumon.  Their heads were round like a football, and not
+gently flatted on both sides, like the common shape of men.  Their ears
+stood pricked up like those of asses; their eyes, as hard as those of
+crabs, and without brows, stared out of their heads, fixed on bones like
+those of our heels; their feet were round like tennis-balls; their arms and
+hands turned backwards towards their shoulders; and they walked on their
+heads, continually turning round like a ball, topsy-turvy, heels over head.
+
+Yet--as you know that apes esteem their young the handsomest in the world
+--Antiphysis extolled her offspring, and strove to prove that their shape
+was handsomer and neater than that of the children of Physis, saying that
+thus to have spherical heads and feet, and walk in a circular manner,
+wheeling round, had something in it of the perfection of the divine power,
+which makes all beings eternally turn in that fashion; and that to have our
+feet uppermost, and the head below them, was to imitate the Creator of the
+universe; the hair being like the roots, and the legs like the branches of
+man; for trees are better planted by their roots than they could be by their
+branches.  By this demonstration she implied that her children were much
+more to be praised for being like a standing tree, than those of Physis,
+that made a figure of a tree upside down.  As for the arms and hands, she
+pretended to prove that they were more justly turned towards the shoulders,
+because that part of the body ought not to be without defence, while the
+forepart is duly fenced with teeth, which a man cannot only use to chew, but
+also to defend himself against those things that offend him. Thus, by the
+testimony and astipulation of the brute beasts, she drew all the witless
+herd and mob of fools into her opinion, and was admired by all brainless and
+nonsensical people.
+
+Since that, she begot the hypocritical tribes of eavesdropping dissemblers,
+superstitious pope-mongers, and priest-ridden bigots, the frantic
+Pistolets, (the demoniacal Calvins, impostors of Geneva,) the scrapers of
+benefices, apparitors with the devil in them, and other grinders and
+squeezers of livings, herb-stinking hermits, gulligutted dunces of the
+cowl, church vermin, false zealots, devourers of the substance of men, and
+many more other deformed and ill-favoured monsters, made in spite of
+nature.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXIII.
+
+How Pantagruel discovered a monstrous physeter, or whirlpool, near the Wild
+Island.
+
+About sunset, coming near the Wild Island, Pantagruel spied afar off a huge
+monstrous physeter (a sort of whale, which some call a whirlpool), that
+came right upon us, neighing, snorting, raised above the waves higher than
+our main-tops, and spouting water all the way into the air before itself,
+like a large river falling from a mountain.  Pantagruel showed it to the
+pilot and to Xenomanes.
+
+By the pilot's advice the trumpets of the Thalamege were sounded to warn
+all the fleet to stand close and look to themselves.  This alarm being
+given, all the ships, galleons, frigates, brigantines, according to their
+naval discipline, placed themselves in the order and figure of an Y
+(upsilon), the letter of Pythagoras, as cranes do in their flight, and like
+an acute angle, in whose cone and basis the Thalamege placed herself ready
+to fight smartly.  Friar John with the grenadiers got on the forecastle.
+
+Poor Panurge began to cry and howl worse than ever.  Babille-babou, said
+he, shrugging up his shoulders, quivering all over with fear, there will be
+the devil upon dun.  This is a worse business than that t'other day.  Let
+us fly, let us fly; old Nick take me if it is not Leviathan, described by
+the noble prophet Moses in the life of patient Job.  It will swallow us
+all, ships and men, shag, rag, and bobtail, like a dose of pills.  Alas! it
+will make no more of us, and we shall hold no more room in its hellish
+jaws, than a sugarplum in an ass's throat.  Look, look, 'tis upon us; let
+us wheel off, whip it away, and get ashore.  I believe 'tis the very
+individual sea-monster that was formerly designed to devour Andromeda; we
+are all undone.  Oh! for some valiant Perseus here now to kill the dog.
+
+I'll do its business presently, said Pantagruel; fear nothing.  Ods-belly,
+said Panurge, remove the cause of my fear then.  When the devil would you
+have a man be afraid but when there is so much cause?  If your destiny be
+such as Friar John was saying a while ago, replied Pantagruel, you ought to
+be afraid of Pyroeis, Eous, Aethon, and Phlegon, the sun's coach-horses,
+that breathe fire at the nostrils; and not of physeters, that spout nothing
+but water at the snout and mouth.  Their water will not endanger your life;
+and that element will rather save and preserve than hurt or endanger you.
+
+Ay, ay, trust to that, and hang me, quoth Panurge; yours is a very pretty
+fancy.  Ods-fish! did I not give you a sufficient account of the elements'
+transmutation, and the blunders that are made of roast for boiled, and
+boiled for roast?  Alas! here 'tis; I'll go hide myself below.  We are dead
+men, every mother's son of us.  I see upon our main-top that merciless hag
+Atropos, with her scissors new ground, ready to cut our threads all at one
+snip.  Oh! how dreadful and abominable thou art; thou hast drowned a good
+many beside us, who never made their brags of it.  Did it but spout good,
+brisk, dainty, delicious white wine, instead of this damned bitter salt
+water, one might better bear with it, and there would be some cause to be
+patient; like that English lord, who being doomed to die, and had leave to
+choose what kind of death he would, chose to be drowned in a butt of
+malmsey.  Here it is.  Oh, oh! devil!  Sathanas!  Leviathan!  I cannot
+abide to look upon thee, thou art so abominably ugly.  Go to the bar, go
+take the pettifoggers.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXIV.
+
+How the monstrous physeter was slain by Pantagruel.
+
+The physeter, coming between the ships and the galleons, threw water by
+whole tuns upon them, as if it had been the cataracts of the Nile in
+Ethiopia.  On the other side, arrows, darts, gleaves, javelins, spears,
+harping-irons, and partizans, flew upon it like hail.  Friar John did not
+spare himself in it.  Panurge was half dead for fear.  The artillery roared
+and thundered like mad, and seemed to gall it in good earnest, but did but
+little good; for the great iron and brass cannon-shot entering its skin
+seemed to melt like tiles in the sun.
+
+Pantagruel then, considering the weight and exigency of the matter,
+stretched out his arms and showed what he could do.  You tell us, and it is
+recorded, that Commudus, the Roman emperor, could shoot with a bow so
+dexterously that at a good distance he would let fly an arrow through a
+child's fingers and never touch them.  You also tell us of an Indian
+archer, who lived when Alexander the Great conquered India, and was so
+skilful in drawing the bow, that at a considerable distance he would shoot
+his arrows through a ring, though they were three cubits long, and their
+iron so large and weighty that with them he used to pierce steel cutlasses,
+thick shields, steel breastplates, and generally what he did hit, how firm,
+resisting, hard, and strong soever it were.  You also tell us wonders of
+the industry of the ancient Franks, who were preferred to all others in
+point of archery; and when they hunted either black or dun beasts, used to
+rub the head of their arrows with hellebore, because the flesh of the
+venison struck with such an arrow was more tender, dainty, wholesome, and
+delicious--paring off, nevertheless, the part that was touched round about.
+You also talk of the Parthians, who used to shoot backwards more
+dexterously than other nations forwards; and also celebrate the skill of
+the Scythians in that art, who sent once to Darius, King of Persia, an
+ambassador that made him a present of a bird, a frog, a mouse, and five
+arrows, without speaking one word; and being asked what those presents
+meant, and if he had commission to say anything, answered that he had not;
+which puzzled and gravelled Darius very much, till Gobrias, one of the
+seven captains that had killed the magi, explained it, saying to Darius:
+By these gifts and offerings the Scythians silently tell you that except
+the Persians like birds fly up to heaven, or like mice hide themselves near
+the centre of the earth, or like frogs dive to the very bottom of ponds and
+lakes, they shall be destroyed by the power and arrows of the Scythians.
+
+The noble Pantagruel was, without comparison, more admirable yet in the art
+of shooting and darting; for with his dreadful piles and darts, nearly
+resembling the huge beams that support the bridges of Nantes, Saumur,
+Bergerac, and at Paris the millers' and the changers' bridges, in length,
+size, weight, and iron-work, he at a mile's distance would open an oyster
+and never touch the edges; he would snuff a candle without putting it out;
+would shoot a magpie in the eye; take off a boot's under-sole, or a
+riding-hood's lining, without soiling them a bit; turn over every leaf
+of Friar John's breviary, one after another, and not tear one.
+
+With such darts, of which there was good store in the ship, at the first
+blow he ran the physeter in at the forehead so furiously that he pierced
+both its jaws and tongue; so that from that time to this it no more opened
+its guttural trapdoor, nor drew and spouted water.  At the second blow he
+put out its right eye, and at the third its left; and we had all the
+pleasure to see the physeter bearing those three horns in its forehead,
+somewhat leaning forwards in an equilateral triangle.
+
+Meanwhile it turned about to and fro, staggering and straying like one
+stunned, blinded, and taking his leave of the world.  Pantagruel, not
+satisfied with this, let fly another dart, which took the monster under the
+tail likewise sloping; then with three other on the chine, in a
+perpendicular line, divided its flank from the tail to the snout at an
+equal distance.  Then he larded it with fifty on one side, and after that,
+to make even work, he darted as many on its other side; so that the body of
+the physeter seemed like the hulk of a galleon with three masts, joined by
+a competent dimension of its beams, as if they had been the ribs and
+chain-wales of the keel; which was a pleasant sight.  The physeter then
+giving up the ghost, turned itself upon its back, as all dead fishes do; and
+being thus overturned, with the beams and darts upside down in the sea, it
+seemed a scolopendra or centipede, as that serpent is described by the
+ancient sage Nicander.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXV.
+
+How Pantagruel went on shore in the Wild Island, the ancient abode of the
+Chitterlings.
+
+The boat's crew of the ship Lantern towed the physeter ashore on the
+neighbouring shore, which happened to be the Wild Island, to make an
+anatomical dissection of its body and save the fat of its kidneys, which,
+they said, was very useful and necessary for the cure of a certain
+distemper, which they called want of money.  As for Pantagruel, he took no
+manner of notice of the monster; for he had seen many such, nay, bigger, in
+the Gallic ocean.  Yet he condescended to land in the Wild Island, to dry
+and refresh some of his men (whom the physeter had wetted and bedaubed), at
+a small desert seaport towards the south, seated near a fine pleasant
+grove, out of which flowed a delicious brook of fresh, clear, and purling
+water.  Here they pitched their tents and set up their kitchens; nor did
+they spare fuel.
+
+Everyone having shifted as they thought fit, Friar John rang the bell, and
+the cloth was immediately laid, and supper brought in.  Pantagruel eating
+cheerfully with his men, much about the second course perceived certain
+little sly Chitterlings clambering up a high tree near the pantry, as still
+as so many mice.  Which made him ask Xenomanes what kind of creatures these
+were, taking them for squirrels, weasels, martins, or ermines.  They are
+Chitterlings, replied Xenomanes.  This is the Wild Island of which I spoke
+to you this morning; there hath been an irreconcilable war this long time
+between them and Shrovetide, their malicious and ancient enemy.  I believe
+that the noise of the guns which we fired at the physeter hath alarmed
+them, and made them fear their enemy was come with his forces to surprise
+them, or lay the island waste, as he hath often attempted to do; though he
+still came off but bluely, by reason of the care and vigilance of the
+Chitterlings, who (as Dido said to Aeneas's companions that would have
+landed at Carthage without her leave or knowledge) were forced to watch and
+stand upon their guard, considering the malice of their enemy and the
+neighbourhood of his territories.
+
+Pray, dear friend, said Pantagruel, if you find that by some honest means
+we may bring this war to an end, and reconcile them together, give me
+notice of it; I will use my endeavours in it with all my heart, and spare
+nothing on my side to moderate and accommodate the points in dispute
+between both parties.
+
+That's impossible at this time, answered Xenomanes.  About four years ago,
+passing incognito by this country, I endeavoured to make a peace, or at
+least a long truce among them; and I had certainly brought them to be good
+friends and neighbours if both one and the other parties would have yielded
+to one single article.  Shrovetide would not include in the treaty of peace
+the wild puddings nor the highland sausages, their ancient gossips and
+confederates.  The Chitterlings demanded that the fort of Cacques might be
+under their government, as is the Castle of Sullouoir, and that a parcel of
+I don't know what stinking villains, murderers, robbers, that held it then,
+should be expelled.  But they could not agree in this, and the terms that
+were offered seemed too hard to either party.  So the treaty broke off, and
+nothing was done.  Nevertheless, they became less severe, and gentler
+enemies than they were before; but since the denunciation of the national
+Council of Chesil, whereby they were roughly handled, hampered, and cited;
+whereby also Shrovetide was declared filthy, beshitten, and berayed, in
+case he made any league or agreement with them; they are grown wonderfully
+inveterate, incensed, and obstinate against one another, and there is no
+way to remedy it.  You might sooner reconcile cats and rats, or hounds and
+hares together.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXVI.
+
+How the wild Chitterlings laid an ambuscado for Pantagruel.
+
+While Xenomanes was saying this, Friar John spied twenty or thirty young
+slender-shaped Chitterlings posting as fast as they could towards their
+town, citadel, castle, and fort of Chimney, and said to Pantagruel, I smell
+a rat; there will be here the devil upon two sticks, or I am much out.
+These worshipful Chitterlings may chance to mistake you for Shrovetide,
+though you are not a bit like him.  Let us once in our lives leave our
+junketing for a while, and put ourselves in a posture to give 'em a
+bellyful of fighting, if they would be at that sport.  There can be no
+false Latin in this, said Xenomanes; Chitterlings are still Chitterlings,
+always double-hearted and treacherous.
+
+Pantagruel then arose from table to visit and scour the thicket, and
+returned presently; having discovered, on the left, an ambuscade of squab
+Chitterlings; and on the right, about half a league from thence, a large
+body of huge giant-like armed Chitterlings ranged in battalia along a
+little hill, and marching furiously towards us at the sound of bagpipes,
+sheep's paunches, and bladders, the merry fifes and drums, trumpets, and
+clarions, hoping to catch us as Moss caught his mare.  By the conjecture of
+seventy-eight standards which we told, we guessed their number to be two
+and forty thousand, at a modest computation.
+
+Their order, proud gait, and resolute looks made us judge that they were
+none of your raw, paltry links, but old warlike Chitterlings and Sausages.
+From the foremost ranks to the colours they were all armed cap-a-pie with
+small arms, as we reckoned them at a distance, yet very sharp and
+case-hardened.  Their right and left wings were lined with a great number of
+forest puddings, heavy pattipans, and horse sausages, all of them tall and
+proper islanders, banditti, and wild.
+
+Pantagruel was very much daunted, and not without cause; though Epistemon
+told him that it might be the use and custom of the Chitterlingonians to
+welcome and receive thus in arms their foreign friends, as the noble kings
+of France are received and saluted at their first coming into the chief
+cities of the kingdom after their advancement to the crown.  Perhaps, said
+he, it may be the usual guard of the queen of the place, who, having notice
+given her by the junior Chitterlings of the forlorn hope whom you saw on
+the tree, of the arrival of your fine and pompous fleet, hath judged that
+it was without doubt some rich and potent prince, and is come to visit you
+in person.
+
+Pantagruel, little trusting to this, called a council, to have their advice
+at large in this doubtful case.  He briefly showed them how this way of
+reception with arms had often, under colour of compliment and friendship,
+been fatal.  Thus, said he, the Emperor Antonius Caracalla at one time
+destroyed the citizens of Alexandria, and at another time cut off the
+attendants of Artabanus, King of Persia, under colour of marrying his
+daughter, which, by the way, did not pass unpunished, for a while after
+this cost him his life.
+
+Thus Jacob's children destroyed the Sichemites, to revenge the rape of
+their sister Dinah.  By such another hypocritical trick Gallienus, the
+Roman emperor, put to death the military men in Constantinople.  Thus,
+under colour of friendship, Antonius enticed Artavasdes, King of Armenia;
+then, having caused him to be bound in heavy chains and shackled, at last
+put him to death.
+
+We find a thousand such instances in history; and King Charles VI. is
+justly commended for his prudence to this day, in that, coming back
+victorious over the Ghenters and other Flemings to his good city of Paris,
+and when he came to Bourget, a league from thence, hearing that the
+citizens with their mallets--whence they got the name of Maillotins--were
+marched out of town in battalia, twenty thousand strong, he would not go
+into the town till they had laid down their arms and retired to their
+respective homes; though they protested to him that they had taken arms
+with no other design than to receive him with the greater demonstration of
+honour and respect.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXVII.
+
+How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Maul-chitterling and Colonel Cut-pudding;
+with a discourse well worth your hearing about the names of places and
+persons.
+
+The resolution of the council was that, let things be how they would, it
+behoved the Pantagruelists to stand upon their guard.  Therefore Carpalin
+and Gymnast were ordered by Pantagruel to go for the soldiers that were on
+board the Cup galley, under the command of Colonel Maul-chitterling, and
+those on board the Vine-tub frigate, under the command of Colonel
+Cut-pudding the younger.  I will ease Gymnast of that trouble, said Panurge,
+who wanted to be upon the run; you may have occasion for him here.  By
+this worthy frock of mine, quoth Friar John, thou hast a mind to slip thy
+neck out of the collar and absent thyself from the fight, thou
+white-livered son of a dunghill!  Upon my virginity thou wilt never come
+back. Well, there can be no great loss in thee; for thou wouldst do nothing
+here but howl, bray, weep, and dishearten the good soldiers.  I will
+certainly come back, said Panurge, Friar John, my ghostly father, and
+speedily too; do but take care that these plaguy Chitterlings do not board
+our ships. All the while you will be a-fighting I will pray heartily for
+your victory, after the example of the valiant captain and guide of the
+people of Israel, Moses. Having said this, he wheeled off.
+
+Then said Epistemon to Pantagruel:  The denomination of these two colonels
+of yours, Maul-chitterling and Cut-pudding, promiseth us assurance,
+success, and victory, if those Chitterlings should chance to set upon us.
+You take it rightly, said Pantagruel, and it pleaseth me to see you foresee
+and prognosticate our victory by the names of our colonels.
+
+This way of foretelling by names is not new; it was in old times celebrated
+and religiously observed by the Pythagoreans.  Several great princes and
+emperors have formerly made good use of it.  Octavianus Augustus, second
+emperor of the Romans, meeting on a day a country fellow named Eutychus
+--that is, fortunate--driving an ass named Nicon--that is, in Greek,
+Victorian--moved by the signification of the ass's and ass-driver's names,
+remained assured of all prosperity and victory.
+
+The Emperor Vespasian being once all alone at prayers in the temple of
+Serapis, at the sight and unexpected coming of a certain servant of his
+named Basilides--that is, royal--whom he had left sick a great way behind,
+took hopes and assurance of obtaining the empire of the Romans.  Regilian
+was chosen emperor by the soldiers for no other reason but the
+signification of his name.  See the Cratylus of the divine Plato.  (By my
+thirst, I will read it, said Rhizotome; I hear you so often quote it.)  See
+how the Pythagoreans, by reason of the names and numbers, conclude that
+Patroclus was to fall by the hand of Hector; Hector by Achilles; Achilles
+by Paris; Paris by Philoctetes.  I am quite lost in my understanding when I
+reflect upon the admirable invention of Pythagoras, who by the number,
+either even or odd, of the syllables of every name, would tell you of what
+side a man was lame, hulch-backed, blind, gouty, troubled with the palsy,
+pleurisy, or any other distemper incident to humankind; allotting even
+numbers to the left (Motteux reads--'even numbers to the Right, and odd
+ones to the Left.'), and odd ones to the right side of the body.
+
+Indeed, said Epistemon, I saw this way of syllabizing tried at Xaintes at a
+general procession, in the presence of that good, virtuous, learned and
+just president, Brian Vallee, Lord of Douhait.  When there went by a man or
+woman that was either lame, blind of one eye, or humpbacked, he had an
+account brought him of his or her name; and if the syllables of the name
+were of an odd number, immediately, without seeing the persons, he declared
+them to be deformed, blind, lame, or crooked of the right side; and of the
+left, if they were even in number; and such indeed we ever found them.
+
+By this syllabical invention, said Pantagruel, the learned have affirmed
+that Achilles kneeling was wounded by the arrow of Paris in the right heel,
+for his name is of odd syllables (here we ought to observe that the
+ancients used to kneel the right foot); and that Venus was also wounded
+before Troy in the left hand, for her name in Greek is Aphrodite, of four
+syllables; Vulcan lamed of his left foot for the same reason; Philip, King
+of Macedon, and Hannibal, blind of the right eye; not to speak of
+sciaticas, broken bellies, and hemicranias, which may be distinguished by
+this Pythagorean reason.
+
+But returning to names:  do but consider how Alexander the Great, son of
+King Philip, of whom we spoke just now, compassed his undertaking merely by
+the interpretation of a name.  He had besieged the strong city of Tyre, and
+for several weeks battered it with all his power; but all in vain.  His
+engines and attempts were still baffled by the Tyrians, which made him
+finally resolve to raise the siege, to his great grief; foreseeing the
+great stain which such a shameful retreat would be to his reputation.  In
+this anxiety and agitation of mind he fell asleep and dreamed that a satyr
+was come into his tent, capering, skipping, and tripping it up and down,
+with his goatish hoofs, and that he strove to lay hold on him.  But the
+satyr still slipped from him, till at last, having penned him up into a
+corner, he took him.  With this he awoke, and telling his dream to the
+philosophers and sages of his court, they let him know that it was a
+promise of victory from the gods, and that he should soon be master of
+Tyre; the word satyros divided in two being sa Tyros, and signifying Tyre
+is thine; and in truth, at the next onset, he took the town by storm, and
+by a complete victory reduced that stubborn people to subjection.
+
+On the other hand, see how, by the signification of one word, Pompey fell
+into despair.  Being overcome by Caesar at the battle of Pharsalia, he had
+no other way left to escape but by flight; which attempting by sea, he
+arrived near the island of Cyprus, and perceived on the shore near the city
+of Paphos a beautiful and stately palace; now asking the pilot what was the
+name of it, he told him that it was called kakobasilea, that is, evil king;
+which struck such a dread and terror in him that he fell into despair, as
+being assured of losing shortly his life; insomuch that his complaints,
+sighs, and groans were heard by the mariners and other passengers.  And
+indeed, a while after, a certain strange peasant, called Achillas, cut off
+his head.
+
+To all these examples might be added what happened to L. Paulus Emilius
+when the senate elected him imperator, that is, chief of the army which
+they sent against Perses, King of Macedon.  That evening returning home to
+prepare for his expedition, and kissing a little daughter of his called
+Trasia, she seemed somewhat sad to him.  What is the matter, said he, my
+chicken?  Why is my Trasia thus sad and melancholy?  Daddy, replied the
+child, Persa is dead.  This was the name of a little bitch which she loved
+mightily.  Hearing this, Paulus took assurance of a victory over Perses.
+
+If time would permit us to discourse of the sacred Hebrew writ, we might
+find a hundred noted passages evidently showing how religiously they
+observed proper names and their significations.
+
+He had hardly ended this discourse, when the two colonels arrived with
+their soldiers, all well armed and resolute.  Pantagruel made them a short
+speech, entreating them to behave themselves bravely in case they were
+attacked; for he could not yet believe that the Chitterlings were so
+treacherous; but he bade them by no means to give the first offence, giving
+them Carnival for the watchword.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXVIII.
+
+How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by men.
+
+You shake your empty noddles now, jolly topers, and do not believe what I
+tell you here, any more than if it were some tale of a tub.  Well, well, I
+cannot help it.  Believe it if you will; if you won't, let it alone.  For
+my part, I very well know what I say.  It was in the Wild Island, in our
+voyage to the Holy Bottle.  I tell you the time and place; what would you
+have more?  I would have you call to mind the strength of the ancient
+giants that undertook to lay the high mountain Pelion on the top of Ossa,
+and set among those the shady Olympus, to dash out the gods' brains,
+unnestle them, and scour their heavenly lodgings.  Theirs was no small
+strength, you may well think, and yet they were nothing but Chitterlings
+from the waist downwards, or at least serpents, not to tell a lie for the
+matter.
+
+The serpent that tempted Eve, too, was of the Chitterling kind, and yet it
+is recorded of him that he was more subtle than any beast of the field.
+Even so are Chitterlings.  Nay, to this very hour they hold in some
+universities that this same tempter was the Chitterling called Ithyphallus,
+into which was transformed bawdy Priapus, arch-seducer of females in
+paradise, that is, a garden, in Greek.
+
+Pray now tell me who can tell but that the Swiss, now so bold and warlike,
+were formerly Chitterlings?  For my part, I would not take my oath to the
+contrary.  The Himantopodes, a nation very famous in Ethiopia, according to
+Pliny's description, are Chitterlings, and nothing else.  If all this will
+not satisfy your worships, or remove your incredulity, I would have you
+forthwith (I mean drinking first, that nothing be done rashly) visit
+Lusignan, Parthenay, Vouant, Mervant, and Ponzauges in Poitou.  There you
+will find a cloud of witnesses, not of your affidavit-men of the right
+stamp, but credible time out of mind, that will take their corporal oath,
+on Rigome's knuckle-bone, that Melusina their founder or foundress, which
+you please, was woman from the head to the prick-purse, and thence
+downwards was a serpentine Chitterling, or if you'll have it otherwise, a
+Chitterlingdized serpent.  She nevertheless had a genteel and noble gait,
+imitated to this very day by your hop-merchants of Brittany, in their
+paspie and country dances.
+
+What do you think was the cause of Erichthonius's being the first inventor
+of coaches, litters, and chariots?  Nothing but because Vulcan had begot
+him with Chitterlingdized legs, which to hide he chose to ride in a litter,
+rather than on horseback; for Chitterlings were not yet in esteem at that
+time.
+
+The Scythian nymph, Ora, was likewise half woman and half Chitterling, and
+yet seemed so beautiful to Jupiter that nothing could serve him but he must
+give her a touch of his godship's kindness; and accordingly he had a brave
+boy by her, called Colaxes; and therefore I would have you leave off
+shaking your empty noddles at this, as if it were a story, and firmly
+believe that nothing is truer than the gospel.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXIX.
+
+How Friar John joined with the cooks to fight the Chitterlings.
+
+Friar John seeing these furious Chitterlings thus boldly march up, said to
+Pantagruel, Here will be a rare battle of hobby-horses, a pretty kind of
+puppet-show fight, for aught I see.  Oh! what mighty honour and wonderful
+glory will attend our victory!  I would have you only be a bare spectator
+of this fight, and for anything else leave me and my men to deal with them.
+What men? said Pantagruel.  Matter of breviary, replied Friar John.  How
+came Potiphar, who was head-cook of Pharaoh's kitchens, he that bought
+Joseph, and whom the said Joseph might have made a cuckold if he had not
+been a Joseph; how came he, I say, to be made general of all the horse in
+the kingdom of Egypt?  Why was Nabuzardan, King Nebuchadnezzar's head-cook,
+chosen to the exclusion of all other captains to besiege and destroy
+Jerusalem?  I hear you, replied Pantagruel.  By St. Christopher's whiskers,
+said Friar John, I dare lay a wager that it was because they had formerly
+engaged Chitterlings, or men as little valued; whom to rout, conquer, and
+destroy, cooks are without comparison more fit than cuirassiers and
+gendarmes armed at all points, or all the horse and foot in the world.
+
+You put me in mind, said Pantagruel, of what is written amongst the
+facetious and merry sayings of Cicero.  During the more than civil wars
+between Caesar and Pompey, though he was much courted by the first, he
+naturally leaned more to the side of the latter.  Now one day hearing that
+the Pompeians in a certain rencontre had lost a great many men, he took a
+fancy to visit their camp.  There he perceived little strength, less
+courage, but much disorder.  From that time, foreseeing that things would
+go ill with them, as it since happened, he began to banter now one and then
+another, and be very free of his cutting jests; so some of Pompey's
+captains, playing the good fellows to show their assurance, told him, Do
+you see how many eagles we have yet?  (They were then the device of the
+Romans in war.)  They might be of use to you, replied Cicero, if you had to
+do with magpies.
+
+Thus, seeing we are to fight Chitterlings, pursued Pantagruel, you infer
+thence that it is a culinary war, and have a mind to join with the cooks.
+Well, do as you please, I'll stay here in the meantime, and wait for the
+event of the rumpus.
+
+Friar John went that very moment among the sutlers, into the cooks' tents,
+and told them in a pleasing manner:  I must see you crowned with honour and
+triumph this day, my lads; to your arms are reserved such achievements as
+never yet were performed within the memory of man.  Ods-belly, do they make
+nothing of the valiant cooks?  Let us go fight yonder fornicating
+Chitterlings!  I'll be your captain.  But first let's drink, boys.  Come
+on! let us be of good cheer.  Noble captain, returned the kitchen tribe,
+this was spoken like yourself; bravely offered.  Huzza! we are all at your
+excellency's command, and we live and die by you.  Live, live, said Friar
+John, a God's name; but die by no means.  That is the Chitterlings' lot;
+they shall have their bellyful of it.  Come on then, let us put ourselves
+in order; Nabuzardan's the word.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XL.
+
+How Friar John fitted up the sow; and of the valiant cooks that went into
+it.
+
+Then, by Friar John's order, the engineers and their workmen fitted up the
+great sow that was in the ship Leathern Bottle.  It was a wonderful
+machine, so contrived that, by means of large engines that were round about
+it in rows, it throw'd forked iron bars and four-squared steel bolts; and
+in its hold two hundred men at least could easily fight, and be sheltered.
+It was made after the model of the sow of Riole, by the means of which
+Bergerac was retaken from the English in the reign of Charles the Sixth.
+
+Here are the names of the noble and valiant cooks who went into the sow, as
+the Greeks did into the Trojan horse:
+
+Sour-sauce.        Crisp-pig.         Carbonado.
+Sweet-meat.        Greasy-slouch.     Sop-in-pan.
+Greedy-gut.        Fat-gut.           Pick-fowl.
+Liquorice-chops.   Bray-mortar.       Mustard-pot.
+Soused-pork.       Lick-sauce.        Hog's-haslet.
+Slap-sauce.        Hog's-foot.        Chopped-phiz.
+Cock-broth.        Hodge-podge.       Gallimaufry.
+Slipslop.
+
+All these noble cooks in their coat-of-arms did bear, in a field gules, a
+larding-pin vert, charged with a chevron argent.
+
+Lard, hog's-lard.  Pinch-lard.        Snatch-lard.
+Nibble-lard.       Top-lard.          Gnaw-lard.
+Filch-lard.        Pick-lard.         Scrape-lard.
+Fat-lard.          Save-lard.         Chew-lard.
+
+Gaillard (by syncope) born near Rambouillet.  The said culinary doctor's
+name was Gaillardlard, in the same manner as you use to say idolatrous for
+idololatrous.
+
+Stiff-lard.        Cut-lard.          Waste-lard.
+Watch-lard.        Mince-lard.        Ogle-lard.
+Sweet-lard.        Dainty-lard.       Weigh-lard.
+Eat-lard.          Fresh-lard.        Gulch-lard.
+Snap-lard.         Rusty-lard.        Eye-lard.
+Catch-lard.
+
+Names unknown among the Marranes and Jews.
+
+Ballocky.          Thirsty.           Porridge-pot.
+Pick-sallat.       Kitchen-stuff.     Lick-dish.
+Broil-rasher.      Verjuice.          Salt-gullet.
+Coney-skin.        Save-dripping.     Snail-dresser.
+Dainty-chops.      Watercress.        Soup-monger.
+Pie-wright.        Scrape-turnip.     Brewis-belly.
+Pudding-pan.       Trivet.            Chine-picker.
+Toss-pot.          Monsieur Ragout.   Suck-gravy.
+Mustard-sauce.     Crack-pipkin.      Macaroon.
+Claret-sauce.      Scrape-pot.        Skewer-maker.
+Swill-broth.
+
+Smell-smock.  He was afterwards taken from the kitchen and removed to
+chamber-practice, for the service of the noble Cardinal Hunt-venison.
+
+Rot-roast.         Hog's gullet.      Fox-tail.
+Dish-clout.        Sirloin.           Fly-flap.
+Save-suet.         Spit-mutton.       Old Grizzle.
+Fire-fumbler.      Fritter-frier.     Ruff-belly.
+Pillicock.         Flesh-smith.       Saffron-sauce.
+Long-tool.         Cram-gut.          Strutting-tom.
+Prick-pride.       Tuzzy-mussy.       Slashed-snout.
+Prick-madam.       Jacket-liner.      Smutty-face.
+Pricket.           Guzzle-drink.
+
+Mondam, that first invented madam's sauce, and for that discovery was thus
+called in the Scotch-French dialect.
+
+Loblolly.          Sloven.            Trencher-man.
+Slabber-chops.     Swallow-pitcher.   Goodman Goosecap.
+Scum-pot.          Wafer-monger.      Munch-turnip.
+Gully-guts.        Snap-gobbet.       Pudding-bag.
+Rinse-pot.         Scurvy-phiz.       Pig-sticker.
+Drink-spiller.
+
+Robert.  He invented Robert's sauce, so good and necessary for roasted
+coneys, ducks, fresh pork, poached eggs, salt fish, and a thousand other
+such dishes.
+
+Cold-eel.          Frying-pan.        Big-snout.
+Thornback.         Man of dough.      Lick-finger.
+Gurnard.           Sauce-doctor.      Tit-bit.
+Grumbling-gut.     Waste-butter.      Sauce-box.
+Alms-scrip.        Shitbreech.        All-fours.
+Taste-all.         Thick-brawn.       Whimwham.
+Scrap-merchant.    Tom T--d.          Baste-roast.
+Belly-timberman.   Mouldy-crust.      Gaping-hoyden.
+Hashee.            Hasty.             Calf's-pluck.
+Frig-palate.       Red-herring.       Leather-breeches.
+Powdering-tub.     Cheesecake.
+
+All these noble cooks went into the sow, merry, cheery, hale, brisk, old
+dogs at mischief, and ready to fight stoutly.  Friar John ever and anon
+waving his huge scimitar, brought up the rear, and double-locked the doors
+on the inside.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLI.
+
+How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the knees.
+
+The Chitterlings advanced so near that Pantagruel perceived that they
+stretched their arms and already began to charge their lances, which caused
+him to send Gymnast to know what they meant, and why they thus, without the
+least provocation, came to fall upon their old trusty friends, who had
+neither said nor done the least ill thing to them.  Gymnast being advanced
+near their front, bowed very low, and said to them as loud as ever he
+could:  We are friends, we are friends; all, all of us your friends, yours,
+and at your command; we are for Carnival, your old confederate.  Some have
+since told me that he mistook, and said cavernal instead of carnival.
+
+Whatever it was, the word was no sooner out of his mouth but a huge little
+squab Sausage, starting out of the front of their main body, would have
+griped him by the collar.  By the helmet of Mars, said Gymnast, I will
+swallow thee; but thou shalt only come in in chips and slices; for, big as
+thou art, thou couldst never come in whole.  This spoke, he lugs out his
+trusty sword, Kiss-mine-arse (so he called it) with both his fists, and cut
+the Sausage in twain.  Bless me, how fat the foul thief was! it puts me in
+mind of the huge bull of Berne, that was slain at Marignan when the drunken
+Swiss were so mauled there.  Believe me, it had little less than four
+inches' lard on its paunch.
+
+The Sausage's job being done, a crowd of others flew upon Gymnast, and had
+most scurvily dragged him down when Pantagruel with his men came up to his
+relief.  Then began the martial fray, higgledy-piggledy.  Maul-chitterling
+did maul chitterlings; Cut-pudding did cut puddings; Pantagruel did break
+the Chitterlings at the knees; Friar John played at least in sight within
+his sow, viewing and observing all things; when the Pattipans that lay in
+ambuscade most furiously sallied out upon Pantagruel.
+
+Friar John, who lay snug all this while, by that time perceiving the rout
+and hurlyburly, set open the doors of his sow and sallied out with his
+merry Greeks, some of them armed with iron spits, others with andirons,
+racks, fire-shovels, frying-pans, kettles, grid-irons, oven forks, tongs,
+dripping pans, brooms, iron pots, mortars, pestles, all in battle array,
+like so many housebreakers, hallooing and roaring out all together most
+frightfully, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan.  Thus shouting and hooting
+they fought like dragons, and charged through the Pattipans and Sausages.
+The Chitterlings perceiving this fresh reinforcement, and that the others
+would be too hard for 'em, betook themselves to their heels, scampering off
+with full speed, as if the devil had come for them.  Friar John, with an
+iron crow, knocked them down as fast as hops; his men, too, were not
+sparing on their side.  Oh, what a woeful sight it was! the field was all
+over strewed with heaps of dead or wounded Chitterlings; and history
+relates that had not heaven had a hand in it, the Chitterling tribe had
+been totally routed out of the world by the culinary champions.  But there
+happened a wonderful thing, you may believe as little or as much of it as
+you please.
+
+From the north flew towards us a huge, fat, thick, grizzly swine, with long
+and large wings, like those of a windmill; its plumes red crimson, like
+those of a phenicoptere (which in Languedoc they call flaman); its eyes
+were red, and flaming like a carbuncle; its ears green, like a Prasin
+emerald; its teeth like a topaz; its tail long and black, like jet; its
+feet white, diaphanous and transparent like a diamond, somewhat broad, and
+of the splay kind, like those of geese, and as Queen Dick's used to be at
+Toulouse in the days of yore.  About its neck it wore a gold collar, round
+which were some Ionian characters, whereof I could pick out but two words,
+US ATHENAN, hog-teaching Minerva.
+
+The sky was clear before; but at that monster's appearance it changed so
+mightily for the worse that we were all amazed at it.  As soon as the
+Chitterlings perceived the flying hog, down they all threw their weapons
+and fell on their knees, lifting up their hands joined together, without
+speaking one word, in a posture of adoration.  Friar John and his party
+kept on mincing, felling, braining, mangling, and spitting the Chitterlings
+like mad; but Pantagruel sounded a retreat, and all hostility ceased.
+
+The monster having several times hovered backwards and forwards between the
+two armies, with a tail-shot voided above twenty-seven butts of mustard on
+the ground; then flew away through the air, crying all the while, Carnival,
+Carnival, Carnival.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLII.
+
+How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niphleseth, Queen of the Chitterlings.
+
+The monster being out of sight, and the two armies remaining silent,
+Pantagruel demanded a parley with the lady Niphleseth, Queen of the
+Chitterlings, who was in her chariot by the standards; and it was easily
+granted.  The queen alighted, courteously received Pantagruel, and was glad
+to see him.  Pantagruel complained to her of this breach of peace; but she
+civilly made her excuse, telling him that a false information had caused
+all this mischief; her spies having brought her word that Shrovetide, their
+mortal foe, was landed, and spent his time in examining the urine of
+physeters.
+
+She therefore entreated him to pardon them their offence, telling him that
+sir-reverence was sooner found in Chitterlings than gall; and offering, for
+herself and all her successors, to hold of him and his the whole island and
+country; to obey him in all his commands, be friends to his friends, and
+foes to his foes; and also to send every year, as an acknowledgment of
+their homage, a tribute of seventy-eight thousand royal Chitterlings, to
+serve him at his first course at table six months in the year; which was
+punctually performed.  For the next day she sent the aforesaid quantity of
+royal Chitterlings to the good Gargantua, under the conduct of young
+Niphleseth, infanta of the island.
+
+The good Gargantua made a present of them to the great King of Paris.  But
+by change of air, and for want of mustard (the natural balsam and restorer
+of Chitterlings), most of them died.  By the great king's particular grant
+they were buried in heaps in a part of Paris to this day called La Rue
+pavee d'Andouilles, the street paved with Chitterlings.  At the request of
+the ladies at his court young Niphleseth was preserved, honourably used,
+and since that married to heart's content; and was the mother of many
+children, for which heaven be praised.
+
+Pantagruel civilly thanked the queen, forgave all offences, refused the
+offer she had made of her country, and gave her a pretty little knife.
+After that he asked several nice questions concerning the apparition of
+that flying hog.  She answered that it was the idea of Carnival, their
+tutelary god in time of war, first founder and original of all the
+Chitterling race; for which reason he resembled a hog, for Chitterlings
+drew their extraction from hogs.
+
+Pantagruel asking to what purpose and curative indication he had voided so
+much mustard on the earth, the queen replied that mustard was their
+sanc-greal and celestial balsam, of which, laying but a little in the wounds
+of the fallen Chitterlings, in a very short time the wounded were healed and
+the dead restored to life.  Pantagruel held no further discourse with the
+queen, but retired a-shipboard.  The like did all the boon companions, with
+their implements of destruction and their huge sow.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLIII.
+
+How Pantagruel went into the island of Ruach.
+
+Two days after we arrived at the island of Ruach; and I swear to you, by
+the celestial hen and chickens, that I found the way of living of the
+people so strange and wonderful that I can't, for the heart's blood of me,
+half tell it you.  They live on nothing but wind, eat nothing but wind, and
+drink nothing but wind.  They have no other houses but weathercocks.  They
+sow no other seeds but the three sorts of windflowers, rue, and herbs that
+may make one break wind to the purpose; these scour them off carefully.
+The common sort of people to feed themselves make use of feather, paper, or
+linen fans, according to their abilities.  As for the rich, they live by
+the means of windmills.
+
+When they would have some noble treat, the tables are spread under one or
+two windmills.  There they feast as merry as beggars, and during the meal
+their whole talk is commonly of the goodness, excellency, salubrity, and
+rarity of winds; as you, jolly topers, in your cups philosophize and argue
+upon wines.  The one praises the south-east, the other the south-west; this
+the west and by south, and this the east and by north; another the west,
+and another the east; and so of the rest.  As for lovers and amorous
+sparks, no gale for them like a smock-gale.  For the sick they use bellows
+as we use clysters among us.
+
+Oh! said to me a little diminutive swollen bubble, that I had now but a
+bladderful of that same Languedoc wind which they call Cierce.  The famous
+physician, Scurron, passing one day by this country, was telling us that it
+is so strong that it will make nothing of overturning a loaded waggon.  Oh!
+what good would it not do my Oedipodic leg.  The biggest are not the best;
+but, said Panurge, rather would I had here a large butt of that same good
+Languedoc wine that grows at Mirevaux, Canteperdrix, and Frontignan.
+
+I saw a good likely sort of a man there, much resembling Ventrose, tearing
+and fuming in a grievous fret with a tall burly groom and a pimping little
+page of his, laying them on, like the devil, with a buskin.  Not knowing
+the cause of his anger, at first I thought that all this was by the
+doctor's advice, as being a thing very healthy to the master to be in a
+passion and to his man to be banged for it.  But at last I heard him taxing
+his man with stealing from him, like a rogue as he was, the better half of
+a large leathern bag of an excellent southerly wind, which he had carefully
+laid up, like a hidden reserve, against the cold weather.
+
+They neither exonerate, dung, piss, nor spit in that island; but, to make
+amends, they belch, fizzle, funk, and give tail-shots in abundance.  They
+are troubled with all manner of distempers; and, indeed, all distempers are
+engendered and proceed from ventosities, as Hippocrates demonstrates, lib.
+De Flatibus.  But the most epidemical among them is the wind-cholic.  The
+remedies which they use are large clysters, whereby they void store of
+windiness.  They all die of dropsies and tympanies, the men farting and the
+women fizzling; so that their soul takes her leave at the back-door.
+
+Some time after, walking in the island, we met three hairbrained airy
+fellows, who seemed mightily puffed up, and went to take their pastime and
+view the plovers, who live on the same diet as themselves, and abound in
+the island.  I observed that, as your true topers when they travel carry
+flasks, leathern bottles, and small runlets along with them, so each of
+them had at his girdle a pretty little pair of bellows.  If they happened
+to want wind, by the help of those pretty bellows they immediately drew
+some, fresh and cool, by attraction and reciprocal expulsion; for, as you
+well know, wind essentially defined is nothing but fluctuating and agitated
+air.
+
+A while after, we were commanded, in the king's name, not to receive for
+three hours any man or woman of the country on board our ships; some having
+stolen from him a rousing fart, of the very individual wind which old
+goodman Aeolus the snorer gave Ulysses to conduct his ship whenever it
+should happen to be becalmed.  Which fart the king kept religiously, like
+another sanc-greal, and performed a world of wonderful cures with it in
+many dangerous diseases, letting loose and distributing to the patient only
+as much of it as might frame a virginal fart; which is, if you must know,
+what our sanctimonials, alias nuns, in their dialect call ringing
+backwards.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLIV.
+
+How small rain lays a high wind.
+
+Pantagruel commended their government and way of living, and said to their
+hypenemian mayor:  If you approve Epicurus's opinion, placing the summum
+bonum in pleasure (I mean pleasure that's easy and free from toil), I
+esteem you happy; for your food being wind, costs you little or nothing,
+since you need but blow.  True, sir, returned the mayor; but, alas! nothing
+is perfect here below; for too often when we are at table, feeding on some
+good blessed wind of God as on celestial manna, merry as so many friars,
+down drops on a sudden some small rain, which lays our wind, and so robs us
+of it.  Thus many a meal's lost for want of meat.
+
+Just so, quoth Panurge, Jenin Toss-pot of Quinquenais, evacuating some wine
+of his own burning on his wife's posteriors, laid the ill-fumed wind that
+blowed out of their centre as out of some magisterial Aeolipile.  Here is a
+kind of a whim on that subject which I made formerly:
+
+  One evening when Toss-pot had been at his butts,
+  And Joan his fat spouse crammed with turnips her guts,
+  Together they pigged, nor did drink so besot him
+  But he did what was done when his daddy begot him.
+  Now when to recruit he'd fain have been snoring,
+  Joan's back-door was filthily puffing and roaring;
+  So for spite he bepissed her, and quickly did find
+  That a very small rain lays a very high wind.
+
+We are also plagued yearly with a very great calamity, cried the mayor; for
+a giant called Wide-nostrils, who lives in the island of Tohu, comes hither
+every spring to purge, by the advice of his physicians, and swallows us,
+like so many pills, a great number of windmills, and of bellows also, at
+which his mouth waters exceedingly.
+
+Now this is a sad mortification to us here, who are fain to fast over three
+or four whole Lents every year for this, besides certain petty Lents, ember
+weeks, and other orison and starving tides.  And have you no remedy for
+this? asked Pantagruel.  By the advice of our Mezarims, replied the mayor,
+about the time that he uses to give us a visit, we garrison our windmills
+with good store of cocks and hens.  The first time that the greedy thief
+swallowed them, they had like to have done his business at once; for they
+crowed and cackled in his maw, and fluttered up and down athwart and along
+in his stomach, which threw the glutton into a lipothymy cardiac passion
+and dreadful and dangerous convulsions, as if some serpent, creeping in at
+his mouth, had been frisking in his stomach.
+
+Here is a comparative as altogether incongruous and impertinent, cried
+Friar John, interrupting them; for I have formerly heard that if a serpent
+chance to get into a man's stomach it will not do him the least hurt, but
+will immediately get out if you do but hang the patient by the heels and
+lay a panful of warm milk near his mouth.  You were told this, said
+Pantagruel, and so were those who gave you this account; but none ever saw
+or read of such a cure.  On the contrary, Hippocrates, in his fifth book of
+Epidem, writes that such a case happening in his time the patient presently
+died of a spasm and convulsion.
+
+Besides the cocks and hens, said the mayor, continuing his story, all the
+foxes in the country whipped into Wide-nostril's mouth, posting after the
+poultry; which made such a stir with Reynard at their heels, that he
+grievously fell into fits each minute of an hour.
+
+At last, by the advice of a Baden enchanter, at the time of the paroxysm he
+used to flay a fox by way of antidote and counter-poison.  Since that he
+took better advice, and eases himself with taking a clyster made with a
+decoction of wheat and barley corns, and of livers of goslings; to the
+first of which the poultry run, and the foxes to the latter.  Besides, he
+swallows some of your badgers or fox-dogs by the way of pills and boluses.
+This is our misfortune.
+
+Cease to fear, good people, cried Pantagruel; this huge Wide-nostrils, this
+same swallower of windmills, is no more, I will assure you; he died, being
+stifled and choked with a lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot oven,
+by the advice of his physicians.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLV.
+
+How Pantagruel went ashore in the island of Pope-Figland.
+
+The next morning we arrived at the island of Pope-figs; formerly a rich and
+free people, called the Gaillardets, but now, alas! miserably poor, and
+under the yoke of the Papimen.  The occasion of it was this:
+
+On a certain yearly high holiday, the burgomaster, syndics, and topping
+rabbies of the Gaillardets chanced to go into the neighbouring island
+Papimany to see the festival and pass away the time.  Now one of them
+having espied the pope's picture (with the sight of which, according to a
+laudable custom, the people were blessed on high-offering holidays), made
+mouths at it, and cried, A fig for it! as a sign of manifest contempt and
+derision.  To be revenged of this affront, the Papimen, some days after,
+without giving the others the least warning, took arms, and surprised,
+destroyed, and ruined the whole island of the Gaillardets; putting the men
+to the sword, and sparing none but the women and children, and those too
+only on condition to do what the inhabitants of Milan were condemned to by
+the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa.
+
+These had rebelled against him in his absence, and ignominiously turned the
+empress out of the city, mounting her a-horseback on a mule called Thacor,
+with her breech foremost towards the old jaded mule's head, and her face
+turned towards the crupper.  Now Frederick being returned, mastered them,
+and caused so careful a search to be made that he found out and got the
+famous mule Thacor.  Then the hangman by his order clapped a fig into the
+mule's jimcrack, in the presence of the enslaved cits that were brought
+into the middle of the great market-place, and proclaimed in the emperor's
+name, with trumpets, that whosoever of them would save his own life should
+publicly pull the fig out with his teeth, and after that put it in again in
+the very individual cranny whence he had draw'd it without using his hands,
+and that whoever refused to do this should presently swing for it and die
+in his shoes.  Some sturdy fools, standing upon their punctilio, chose
+honourably to be hanged rather than submit to so shameful and abominable a
+disgrace; and others, less nice in point of ceremony, took heart of grace,
+and even resolved to have at the fig, and a fig for't, rather than make a
+worse figure with a hempen collar, and die in the air at so short warning.
+Accordingly, when they had neatly picked out the fig with their teeth from
+old Thacor's snatch-blatch, they plainly showed it the headsman, saying,
+Ecco lo fico, Behold the fig!
+
+By the same ignominy the rest of these poor distressed Gaillardets saved
+their bacon, becoming tributaries and slaves, and the name of Pope-figs was
+given them, because they said, A fig for the pope's image.  Since this, the
+poor wretches never prospered, but every year the devil was at their doors,
+and they were plagued with hail, storms, famine, and all manner of woes, as
+an everlasting punishment for the sin of their ancestors and relations.
+Perceiving the misery and calamity of that generation, we did not care to
+go further up into the country, contenting ourselves with going into a
+little chapel near the haven to take some holy water.  It was dilapidated
+and ruined, wanting also a cover--like Saint Peter at Rome.  When we were
+in, as we dipped our fingers in the sanctified cistern, we spied in the
+middle of that holy pickle a fellow muffled up with stoles, all under
+water, like a diving duck, except the tip of his snout to draw his breath.
+About him stood three priests, true shavelings, clean shorn and polled, who
+were muttering strange words to the devils out of a conjuring book.
+
+Pantagruel was not a little amazed at this, and inquiring what kind of
+sport these were at, was told that for three years last past the plague had
+so dreadfully raged in the island that the better half of it had been
+utterly depopulated, and the lands lay fallow and unoccupied.  Now, the
+mortality being over, this same fellow who had crept into the holy tub,
+having a large piece of ground, chanced to be sowing it with white winter
+wheat at the very minute of an hour that a kind of a silly sucking devil,
+who could not yet write or read, or hail and thunder, unless it were on
+parsley or coleworts, had got leave of his master Lucifer to go into this
+island of Pope-figs, where the devils were very familiar with the men and
+women, and often went to take their pastime.
+
+This same devil being got thither, directed his discourse to the
+husbandman, and asked him what he was doing.  The poor man told him that he
+was sowing the ground with corn to help him to subsist the next year.  Ay,
+but the ground is none of thine, Mr. Plough-jobber, cried the devil, but
+mine; for since the time that you mocked the pope all this land has been
+proscribed, adjudged, and abandoned to us.  However, to sow corn is not my
+province; therefore I will give thee leave to sow the field, that is to
+say, provided we share the profit.  I will, replied the farmer.  I mean,
+said the devil, that of what the land shall bear, two lots shall be made,
+one of what shall grow above ground, the other of what shall be covered
+with earth.  The right of choosing belongs to me; for I am a devil of noble
+and ancient race; thou art a base clown.  I therefore choose what shall lie
+under ground, take thou what shall be above.  When dost thou reckon to
+reap, hah?  About the middle of July, quoth the farmer.  Well, said the
+devil, I'll not fail thee then; in the meantime, slave as thou oughtest.
+Work, clown, work.  I am going to tempt to the pleasing sin of whoring the
+nuns of Dryfart, the sham saints of the cowl, and the gluttonish crew.  I
+am more than sure of these.  They need but meet, and the job is done; true
+fire and tinder, touch and take; down falls nun, and up gets friar.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLVI.
+
+How a junior devil was fooled by a husbandman of Pope-Figland.
+
+In the middle of July the devil came to the place aforesaid with all his
+crew at his heels, a whole choir of the younger fry of hell; and having met
+the farmer, said to him, Well, clodpate, how hast thou done since I went?
+Thou and I must share the concern.  Ay, master devil, quoth the clown; it
+is but reason we should.  Then he and his men began to cut and reap the
+corn; and, on the other side, the devil's imps fell to work, grubbing up
+and pulling out the stubble by the root.
+
+The countryman had his corn thrashed, winnowed it, put in into sacks, and
+went with it to market.  The same did the devil's servants, and sat them
+down there by the man to sell their straw.  The countryman sold off his
+corn at a good rate, and with the money filled an old kind of a demi-buskin
+which was fastened to his girdle.  But the devil a sou the devils took; far
+from taking handsel, they were flouted and jeered by the country louts.
+
+Market being over, quoth the devil to the farmer, Well, clown, thou hast
+choused me once, it is thy fault; chouse me twice, 'twill be mine.  Nay,
+good sir devil, replied the farmer; how can I be said to have choused you,
+since it was your worship that chose first?  The truth is, that by this
+trick you thought to cheat me, hoping that nothing would spring out of the
+earth for my share, and that you should find whole underground the corn
+which I had sowed, and with it tempt the poor and needy, the close
+hypocrite, or the covetous griper; thus making them fall into your snares.
+But troth, you must e'en go to school yet; you are no conjurer, for aught I
+see; for the corn that was sow'd is dead and rotten, its corruption having
+caused the generation of that which you saw me sell.  So you chose the
+worst, and therefore are cursed in the gospel.  Well, talk no more of it,
+quoth the devil; what canst thou sow our field with for next year?  If a
+man would make the best of it, answered the ploughman, 'twere fit he sow it
+with radish.  Now, cried the devil, thou talkest like an honest fellow,
+bumpkin.  Well, sow me good store of radish, I'll see and keep them safe
+from storms, and will not hail a bit on them.  But hark ye me, this time I
+bespeak for my share what shall be above ground; what's under shall be
+thine.  Drudge on, looby, drudge on.  I am going to tempt heretics; their
+souls are dainty victuals when broiled in rashers and well powdered.  My
+Lord Lucifer has the griping in the guts; they'll make a dainty warm dish
+for his honour's maw.
+
+When the season of radishes was come, our devil failed not to meet in the
+field, with a train of rascally underlings, all waiting devils, and finding
+there the farmer and his men, he began to cut and gather the leaves of the
+radishes.  After him the farmer with his spade dug up the radishes, and
+clapped them up into pouches.  This done, the devil, the farmer, and their
+gangs, hied them to market, and there the farmer presently made good money
+of his radishes; but the poor devil took nothing; nay, what was worse, he
+was made a common laughing-stock by the gaping hoidens.  I see thou hast
+played me a scurvy trick, thou villainous fellow, cried the angry devil; at
+last I am fully resolved even to make an end of the business betwixt thee
+and myself about the ground, and these shall be the terms:  we will
+clapperclaw each other, and whoever of us two shall first cry Hold, shall
+quit his share of the field, which shall wholly belong to the conqueror.  I
+fix the time for this trial of skill on this day seven-night; assure
+thyself that I'll claw thee off like a devil.  I was going to tempt your
+fornicators, bailiffs, perplexers of causes, scriveners, forgers of deeds,
+two-handed counsellors, prevaricating solicitors, and other such vermin;
+but they were so civil as to send me word by an interpreter that they are
+all mine already.  Besides, our master Lucifer is so cloyed with their
+souls that he often sends them back to the smutty scullions and slovenly
+devils of his kitchen, and they scarce go down with them, unless now and
+then, when they are high-seasoned.
+
+Some say there is no breakfast like a student's, no dinner like a lawyer's,
+no afternoon's nunchion like a vine-dresser's, no supper like a
+tradesman's, no second supper like a serving-wench's, and none of these
+meals equal to a frockified hobgoblin's.  All this is true enough.
+Accordingly, at my Lord Lucifer's first course, hobgoblins, alias imps in
+cowls, are a standing dish.  He willingly used to breakfast on students;
+but, alas!  I do not know by what ill luck they have of late years joined
+the Holy Bible to their studies; so the devil a one we can get down among
+us; and I verily believe that unless the hypocrites of the tribe of Levi
+help us in it, taking from the enlightened book-mongers their St. Paul,
+either by threats, revilings, force, violence, fire, and faggot, we shall
+not be able to hook in any more of them to nibble at below.  He dines
+commonly on counsellors, mischief-mongers, multipliers of lawsuits, such as
+wrest and pervert right and law and grind and fleece the poor; he never
+fears to want any of these.  But who can endure to be wedded to a dish?
+
+He said t'other day, at a full chapter, that he had a great mind to eat the
+soul of one of the fraternity of the cowl that had forgot to speak for
+himself in his sermon, and he promised double pay and a large pension to
+anyone that should bring him such a titbit piping hot.  We all went
+a-hunting after such a rarity, but came home without the prey; for they all
+admonish the good women to remember their convent.  As for afternoon
+nunchions, he has left them off since he was so woefully griped with the
+colic; his fosterers, sutlers, charcoal-men, and boiling cooks having been
+sadly mauled and peppered off in the northern countries.
+
+His high devilship sups very well on tradesmen, usurers, apothecaries,
+cheats, coiners, and adulterers of wares.  Now and then, when he is on the
+merry pin, his second supper is of serving-wenches who, after they have by
+stealth soaked their faces with their master's good liquor, fill up the
+vessel with it at second hand, or with other stinking water.
+
+Well, drudge on, boor, drudge on; I am going to tempt the students of
+Trebisonde to leave father and mother, forego for ever the established and
+common rule of living, disclaim and free themselves from obeying their
+lawful sovereign's edicts, live in absolute liberty, proudly despise
+everyone, laugh at all mankind, and taking the fine jovial little cap of
+poetic licence, become so many pretty hobgoblins.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLVII.
+
+How the devil was deceived by an old woman of Pope-Figland.
+
+The country lob trudged home very much concerned and thoughtful, you may
+swear; insomuch that his good woman, seeing him thus look moping, weened
+that something had been stolen from him at market; but when she had heard
+the cause of his affliction and seen his budget well lined with coin, she
+bade him be of good cheer, assuring him that he would be never the worse
+for the scratching bout in question; wishing him only to leave her to
+manage that business, and not trouble his head about it; for she had
+already contrived how to bring him off cleverly.  Let the worst come to the
+worst, said the husbandman, it will be but a scratch; for I'll yield at the
+first stroke, and quit the field.  Quit a fart, replied the wife; he shall
+have none of the field.  Rely upon me, and be quiet; let me alone to deal
+with him.  You say he is a pimping little devil, that is enough; I will
+soon make him give up the field, I will warrant you.  Indeed, had he been a
+great devil, it had been somewhat.
+
+The day that we landed in the island happened to be that which the devil
+had fixed for the combat.  Now the countryman having, like a good Catholic,
+very fairly confessed himself, and received betimes in the morning, by the
+advice of the vicar had hid himself, all but the snout, in the holy-water
+pot, in the posture in which we found him; and just as they were telling us
+this story, news came that the old woman had fooled the devil and gained
+the field.  You may not be sorry, perhaps, to hear how this happened.
+
+The devil, you must know, came to the poor man's door, and rapping there,
+cried, So ho! ho, the house! ho, clodpate! where art thou?  Come out with a
+vengeance; come out with a wannion; come out and be damned; now for
+clawing.  Then briskly and resolutely entering the house, and not finding
+the countryman there, he spied his wife lying on the ground, piteously
+weeping and howling.  What is the matter? asked the devil.  Where is he?
+what does he?  Oh! that I knew where he is, replied threescore and five;
+the wicked rogue, the butcherly dog, the murderer!  He has spoiled me; I am
+undone; I die of what he has done me.  How, cried the devil, what is it?
+I'll tickle him off for you by-and-by.  Alas! cried the old dissembler, he
+told me, the butcher, the tyrant, the tearer of devils told me that he had
+made a match to scratch with you this day, and to try his claws he did but
+just touch me with his little finger here betwixt the legs, and has spoiled
+me for ever.  Oh! I am a dead woman; I shall never be myself again; do but
+see!  Nay, and besides, he talked of going to the smith's to have his
+pounces sharpened and pointed.  Alas! you are undone, Mr. Devil; good sir,
+scamper quickly, I am sure he won't stay; save yourself, I beseech you.
+While she said this she uncovered herself up to the chin, after the manner
+in which the Persian women met their children who fled from the fight, and
+plainly showed her what do ye call them.  The frightened devil, seeing the
+enormous solution of the continuity in all its dimensions, blessed himself,
+and cried out, Mahon, Demiourgon, Megaera, Alecto, Persephone! 'slife,
+catch me here when he comes!  I am gone! 'sdeath, what a gash!  I resign
+him the field.
+
+Having heard the catastrophe of the story, we retired a-shipboard, not
+being willing to stay there any longer.  Pantagruel gave to the poor's box
+of the fabric of the church eighteen thousand good royals, in commiseration
+of the poverty of the people and the calamity of the place.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLVIII.
+
+How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Papimany.
+
+Having left the desolate island of the Pope-figs, we sailed for the space
+of a day very fairly and merrily, and made the blessed island of Papimany.
+As soon as we had dropt anchor in the road, before we had well moored our
+ship with ground-tackle, four persons in different garbs rowed towards us
+in a skiff.  One of them was dressed like a monk in his frock,
+draggle-tailed, and booted; the other like a falconer, with a lure, and a
+long-winged hawk on his fist; the third like a solicitor, with a large bag,
+full of informations, subpoenas, breviates, bills, writs, cases, and other
+implements of pettifogging; the fourth looked like one of your vine-barbers
+about Ocleans, with a jaunty pair of canvas trousers, a dosser, and a
+pruning knife at his girdle.
+
+As soon as the boat had clapped them on board, they all with one voice
+asked, Have you seen him, good passengers, have you seen him?  Who? asked
+Pantagruel.  You know who, answered they.  Who is it? asked Friar John.
+'Sblood and 'ounds, I'll thrash him thick and threefold.  This he said
+thinking that they inquired after some robber, murderer, or church-breaker.
+Oh, wonderful! cried the four; do not you foreign people know the one?
+Sirs, replied Epistemon, we do not understand those terms; but if you will
+be pleased to let us know who you mean, we will tell you the truth of the
+matter without any more ado.  We mean, said they, he that is.  Did you ever
+see him?  He that is, returned Pantagruel, according to our theological
+doctrine, is God, who said to Moses, I am that I am.  We never saw him, nor
+can he be beheld by mortal eyes.  We mean nothing less than that supreme
+God who rules in heaven, replied they; we mean the god on earth.  Did you
+ever see him?  Upon my honour, replied Carpalin, they mean the pope.  Ay,
+ay, answered Panurge; yea, verily, gentlemen, I have seen three of them,
+whose sight has not much bettered me.  How! cried they, our sacred
+decretals inform us that there never is more than one living.  I mean
+successively, one after the other, returned Panurge; otherwise I never saw
+more than one at a time.
+
+O thrice and four times happy people! cried they; you are welcome, and more
+than double welcome!  They then kneeled down before us and would have
+kissed our feet, but we would not suffer it, telling them that should the
+pope come thither in his own person, 'tis all they could do to him.  No,
+certainly, answered they, for we have already resolved upon the matter.  We
+would kiss his bare arse without boggling at it, and eke his two pounders;
+for he has a pair of them, the holy father, that he has; we find it so by
+our fine decretals, otherwise he could not be pope.  So that, according to
+our subtle decretaline philosophy, this is a necessary consequence:  he is
+pope; therefore he has genitories, and should genitories no more be found
+in the world, the world could no more have a pope.
+
+While they were talking thus, Pantagruel inquired of one of the coxswain's
+crew who those persons were.  He answered that they were the four estates
+of the island, and added that we should be made as welcome as princes,
+since we had seen the pope.  Panurge having been acquainted with this by
+Pantagruel, said to him in his ear, I swear and vow, sir, 'tis even so; he
+that has patience may compass anything.  Seeing the pope had done us no
+good; now, in the devil's name, 'twill do us a great deal.  We then went
+ashore, and the whole country, men, women, and children, came to meet us as
+in a solemn procession.  Our four estates cried out to them with a loud
+voice, They have seen him! they have seen him! they have seen him!  That
+proclamation being made, all the mob kneeled before us, lifting up their
+hands towards heaven, and crying, O happy men!  O most happy! and this
+acclamation lasted above a quarter of an hour.
+
+Then came the Busby (!) of the place, with all his pedagogues, ushers, and
+schoolboys, whom he magisterially flogged, as they used to whip children in
+our country formerly when some criminal was hanged, that they might
+remember it.  This displeased Pantagruel, who said to them, Gentlemen, if
+you do not leave off whipping these poor children, I am gone.  The people
+were amazed, hearing his stentorian voice; and I saw a little hump with
+long fingers say to the hypodidascal, What, in the name of wonder! do all
+those that see the pope grow as tall as yon huge fellow that threatens us?
+Ah! how I shall think time long till I have seen him too, that I may grow
+and look as big.  In short, the acclamations were so great that Homenas (so
+they called their bishop) hastened thither on an unbridled mule with green
+trappings, attended by his apposts (as they said) and his supposts, or
+officers bearing crosses, banners, standards, canopies, torches, holy-water
+pots, &c.  He too wanted to kiss our feet (as the good Christian Valfinier
+did to Pope Clement), saying that one of their hypothetes, that's one of
+the scavengers, scourers, and commentators of their holy decretals, had
+written that, in the same manner as the Messiah, so long and so much
+expected by the Jews, at last appeared among them; so, on some happy day of
+God, the pope would come into that island; and that, while they waited for
+that blessed time, if any who had seen him at Rome or elsewhere chanced to
+come among them, they should be sure to make much of them, feast them
+plentifully, and treat them with a great deal of reverence.  However, we
+civilly desired to be excused.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLIX.
+
+How Homenas, Bishop of Papimany, showed us the Uranopet decretals.
+
+Homenas then said to us:  'Tis enjoined us by our holy decretals to visit
+churches first and taverns after.  Therefore, not to decline that fine
+institution, let us go to church; we will afterwards go and feast
+ourselves.  Man of God, quoth Friar John, do you go before, we'll follow
+you.  You spoke in the matter properly, and like a good Christian; 'tis
+long since we saw any such.  For my part, this rejoices my mind very much,
+and I verily believe that I shall have the better stomach after it.  Well,
+'tis a happy thing to meet with good men!  Being come near the gate of the
+church, we spied a huge thick book, gilt, and covered all over with
+precious stones, as rubies, emeralds, (diamonds,) and pearls, more, or at
+least as valuable as those which Augustus consecrated to Jupiter
+Capitolinus.  This book hanged in the air, being fastened with two thick
+chains of gold to the zoophore of the porch.  We looked on it and admired
+it.  As for Pantagruel, he handled it and dandled it and turned it as he
+pleased, for he could reach it without straining; and he protested that
+whenever he touched it, he was seized with a pleasant tickling at his
+fingers' end, new life and activity in his arms, and a violent temptation
+in his mind to beat one or two sergeants, or such officers, provided they
+were not of the shaveling kind.  Homenas then said to us, The law was
+formerly given to the Jews by Moses, written by God himself.  At Delphos,
+before the portal of Apollo's temple, this sentence, GNOTHI SEAUTON, was
+found written with a divine hand.  And some time after it, EI was also
+seen, and as divinely written and transmitted from heaven. Cybele's image
+was brought out of heaven, into a field called Pessinunt, in Phrygia; so
+was that of Diana to Tauris, if you will believe Euripides; the oriflamme,
+or holy standard, was transmitted out of heaven to the noble and most
+Christian kings of France, to fight against the unbelievers.  In the reign
+of Numa Pompilius, second King of the Romans, the famous copper buckler
+called Ancile was seen to descend from heaven.  At Acropolis, near Athens,
+Minerva's statue formerly fell from the empyreal heaven.  In like manner
+the sacred decretals which you see were written with the hand of an angel
+of the cherubim kind.  You outlandish people will hardly believe this, I
+fear.  Little enough, of conscience, said Panurge.  And then, continued
+Homenas, they were miraculously transmitted to us here from the very heaven
+of heavens; in the same manner as the river Nile is called Diipetes by
+Homer, the father of all philosophy--the holy decretals always excepted.
+Now, because you have seen the pope, their evangelist and everlasting
+protector, we will give you leave to see and kiss them on the inside, if
+you think meet.  But then you must fast three days before, and canonically
+confess; nicely and strictly mustering up and inventorizing your sins,
+great and small, so thick that one single circumstance of them may not
+escape you; as our holy decretals, which you see, direct.  This will take
+up some time.  Man of God, answered Panurge, we have seen and descried
+decrees, and eke decretals enough o' conscience; some on paper, other on
+parchment, fine and gay like any painted paper lantern, some on vellum,
+some in manuscript, and others in print; so you need not take half these
+pains to show us these.  We'll take the goodwill for the deed, and thank
+you as much as if we had.  Ay, marry, said Homenas, but you never saw these
+that are angelically written.  Those in your country are only transcripts
+from ours; as we find it written by one of our old decretaline scholiasts.
+For me, do not spare me; I do not value the labour, so I may serve you.  Do
+but tell me whether you will be confessed and fast only three short little
+days of God?  As for shriving, answered Panurge, there can be no great harm
+in't; but this same fasting, master of mine, will hardly down with us at
+this time, for we have so very much overfasted ourselves at sea that the
+spiders have spun their cobwebs over our grinders.  Do but look on this
+good Friar John des Entomeures (Homenas then courteously demi-clipped him
+about the neck), some moss is growing in his throat for want of bestirring
+and exercising his chaps.  He speaks the truth, vouched Friar John; I have
+so much fasted that I'm almost grown hump-shouldered.  Come, then, let's go
+into the church, said Homenas; and pray forgive us if for the present we do
+not sing you a fine high mass.  The hour of midday is past, and after it
+our sacred decretals forbid us to sing mass, I mean your high and lawful
+mass.  But I'll say a low and dry one for you.  I had rather have one
+moistened with some good Anjou wine, cried Panurge; fall to, fall to your
+low mass, and despatch.  Ods-bodikins, quoth Friar John, it frets me to the
+guts that I must have an empty stomach at this time of day; for, had I
+eaten a good breakfast and fed like a monk, if he should chance to sing us
+the Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine, I had then brought thither bread and
+wine for the traits passes (those that are gone before).  Well, patience;
+pull away, and save tide; short and sweet, I pray you, and this for a
+cause.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.L.
+
+How Homenas showed us the archetype, or representation of a pope.
+
+Mass being mumbled over, Homenas took a huge bundle of keys out of a trunk
+near the head altar, and put thirty-two of them into so many keyholes; put
+back so many springs; then with fourteen more mastered so many padlocks,
+and at last opened an iron window strongly barred above the said altar.
+This being done, in token of great mystery he covered himself with wet
+sackcloth, and drawing a curtain of crimson satin, showed us an image
+daubed over, coarsely enough, to my thinking; then he touched it with a
+pretty long stick, and made us all kiss the part of the stick that had
+touched the image.  After this he said unto us, What think you of this
+image?  It is the likeness of a pope, answered Pantagruel; I know it by the
+triple crown, his furred amice, his rochet, and his slipper.  You are in
+the right, said Homenas; it is the idea of that same good god on earth
+whose coming we devoutly await, and whom we hope one day to see in this
+country.  O happy, wished-for, and much-expected day! and happy, most happy
+you, whose propitious stars have so favoured you as to let you see the
+living and real face of this good god on earth! by the single sight of
+whose picture we obtain full remission of all the sins which we remember
+that we have committed, as also a third part and eighteen quarantaines of
+the sins which we have forgot; and indeed we only see it on high annual
+holidays.
+
+This caused Pantagruel to say that it was a work like those which Daedalus
+used to make, since, though it were deformed and ill drawn, nevertheless
+some divine energy, in point of pardons, lay hid and concealed in it.
+Thus, said Friar John, at Seuille, the rascally beggars being one evening
+on a solemn holiday at supper in the spital, one bragged of having got six
+blancs, or twopence halfpenny; another eight liards, or twopence; a third,
+seven caroluses, or sixpence; but an old mumper made his vaunts of having
+got three testons, or five shillings.  Ah, but, cried his comrades, thou
+hast a leg of God; as if, continued Friar John, some divine virtue could
+lie hid in a stinking ulcerated rotten shank.  Pray, said Pantagruel, when
+you are for telling us some such nauseous tale, be so kind as not to forget
+to provide a basin, Friar John; I'll assure you, I had much ado to forbear
+bringing up my breakfast.  Fie! I wonder a man of your coat is not ashamed
+to use thus the sacred name of God in speaking of things so filthy and
+abominable! fie, I say.  If among your monking tribes such an abuse of
+words is allowed, I beseech you leave it there, and do not let it come out
+of the cloisters.  Physicians, said Epistemon, thus attribute a kind of
+divinity to some diseases.  Nero also extolled mushrooms, and, in a Greek
+proverb, termed them divine food, because with them he had poisoned
+Claudius his predecessor.  But methinks, gentlemen, this same picture is
+not over-like our late popes.  For I have seen them, not with their
+pallium, amice, or rochet on, but with helmets on their heads, more like
+the top of a Persian turban; and while the Christian commonwealth was in
+peace, they alone were most furiously and cruelly making war.  This must
+have been then, returned Homenas, against the rebellious, heretical
+Protestants; reprobates who are disobedient to the holiness of this good
+god on earth.  'Tis not only lawful for him to do so, but it is enjoined
+him by the sacred decretals; and if any dare transgress one single iota
+against their commands, whether they be emperors, kings, dukes, princes, or
+commonwealths, he is immediately to pursue them with fire and sword, strip
+them of all their goods, take their kingdoms from them, proscribe them,
+anathematize them, and destroy not only their bodies, those of their
+children, relations, and others, but damn also their souls to the very
+bottom of the most hot and burning cauldron in hell.  Here, in the devil's
+name, said Panurge, the people are no heretics; such as was our
+Raminagrobis, and as they are in Germany and England.  You are Christians
+of the best edition, all picked and culled, for aught I see.  Ay, marry are
+we, returned Homenas, and for that reason we shall all be saved.  Now let
+us go and bless ourselves with holy water, and then to dinner.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LI.
+
+Table-talk in praise of the decretals.
+
+Now, topers, pray observe that while Homenas was saying his dry mass, three
+collectors, or licensed beggars of the church, each of them with a large
+basin, went round among the people, with a loud voice:  Pray remember the
+blessed men who have seen his face.  As we came out of the temple they
+brought their basins brimful of Papimany chink to Homenas, who told us that
+it was plentifully to feast with; and that, of this contribution and
+voluntary tax, one part should be laid out in good drinking, another in
+good eating, and the remainder in both, according to an admirable
+exposition hidden in a corner of their holy decretals; which was performed
+to a T, and that at a noted tavern not much unlike that of Will's at
+Amiens.  Believe me, we tickled it off there with copious cramming and
+numerous swilling.
+
+I made two notable observations at that dinner:  the one, that there was
+not one dish served up, whether of cabrittas, capons, hogs (of which latter
+there is great plenty in Papimany), pigeons, coneys, leverets, turkeys, or
+others, without abundance of magistral stuff; the other, that every course,
+and the fruit also, were served up by unmarried females of the place, tight
+lasses, I'll assure you, waggish, fair, good-conditioned, and comely,
+spruce, and fit for business.  They were all clad in fine long white albs,
+with two girts; their hair interwoven with narrow tape and purple ribbon,
+stuck with roses, gillyflowers, marjoram, daffadowndillies, thyme, and
+other sweet flowers.
+
+At every cadence they invited us to drink and bang it about, dropping us
+neat and genteel courtesies; nor was the sight of them unwelcome to all the
+company; and as for Friar John, he leered on them sideways, like a cur that
+steals a capon.  When the first course was taken off, the females
+melodiously sung us an epode in the praise of the sacrosanct decretals; and
+then the second course being served up, Homenas, joyful and cheery, said to
+one of the she-butlers, Light here, Clerica.  Immediately one of the girls
+brought him a tall-boy brimful of extravagant wine.  He took fast hold of
+it, and fetching a deep sigh, said to Pantagruel, My lord, and you, my good
+friends, here's t'ye, with all my heart; you are all very welcome.  When he
+had tipped that off, and given the tall-boy to the pretty creature, he
+lifted up his voice and said, O most holy decretals, how good is good wine
+found through your means!  This is the best jest we have had yet, observed
+Panurge.  But it would still be a better, said Pantagruel, if they could
+turn bad wine into good.
+
+O seraphic Sextum! continued Homenas, how necessary are you not to the
+salvation of poor mortals!  O cherubic Clementinae! how perfectly the
+perfect institution of a true Christian is contained and described in you!
+O angelical Extravagantes! how many poor souls that wander up and down in
+mortal bodies through this vale of misery would perish were it not for you!
+When, ah! when shall this special gift of grace be bestowed on mankind, as
+to lay aside all other studies and concerns, to use you, to peruse you, to
+understand you, to know you by heart, to practise you, to incorporate you,
+to turn you into blood, and incentre you into the deepest ventricles of
+their brains, the inmost marrow of their bones, and most intricate
+labyrinth of their arteries?  Then, ah! then, and no sooner than then, nor
+otherwise than thus, shall the world be happy!  While the old man was thus
+running on, Epistemon rose and softly said to Panurge:  For want of a
+close-stool, I must even leave you for a moment or two; this stuff has
+unbunged the orifice of my mustard-barrel; but I'll not tarry long.
+
+Then, ah! then, continued Homenas, no hail, frost, ice, snow, overflowing,
+or vis major; then plenty of all earthly goods here below.  Then
+uninterrupted and eternal peace through the universe, an end of all wars,
+plunderings, drudgeries, robbing, assassinates, unless it be to destroy
+these cursed rebels the heretics.  Oh! then, rejoicing, cheerfulness,
+jollity, solace, sports, and delicious pleasures, over the face of the
+earth.  Oh! what great learning, inestimable erudition, and god-like
+precepts are knit, linked, rivetted, and mortised in the divine chapters of
+these eternal decretals!
+
+Oh! how wonderfully, if you read but one demi-canon, short paragraph, or
+single observation of these sacrosanct decretals, how wonderfully, I say,
+do you not perceive to kindle in your hearts a furnace of divine love,
+charity towards your neighbour (provided he be no heretic), bold contempt
+of all casual and sublunary things, firm content in all your affections,
+and ecstatic elevation of soul even to the third heaven.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LII.
+
+A continuation of the miracles caused by the decretals.
+
+Wisely, brother Timothy, quoth Panurge, did am, did am; he says blew; but,
+for my part, I believe as little of it as I can.  For one day by chance I
+happened to read a chapter of them at Poictiers, at the most
+decretalipotent Scotch doctor's, and old Nick turn me into bumfodder, if
+this did not make me so hide-bound and costive, that for four or five days
+I hardly scumbered one poor butt of sir-reverence; and that, too, was full
+as dry and hard, I protest, as Catullus tells us were those of his
+neighbour Furius:
+
+  Nec toto decies cacas in anno,
+  Atque id durius est faba, et lapillis:
+  Quod tu si manibus teras, fricesque,
+  Non unquam digitum inquinare posses.
+
+Oh, ho! cried Homenas; by'r lady, it may be you were then in the state of
+mortal sin, my friend.  Well turned, cried Panurge; this was a new strain,
+egad.
+
+One day, said Friar John, at Seuille, I had applied to my posteriors, by
+way of hind-towel, a leaf of an old Clementinae which our rent-gatherer,
+John Guimard, had thrown out into the green of our cloister.  Now the devil
+broil me like a black pudding, if I wasn't so abominably plagued with
+chaps, chawns, and piles at the fundament, that the orifice of my poor
+nockandroe was in a most woeful pickle for I don't know how long.  By'r our
+lady, cried Homenas, it was a plain punishment of God for the sin that you
+had committed in beraying that sacred book, which you ought rather to have
+kissed and adored; I say with an adoration of latria, or of hyperdulia at
+least.  The Panormitan never told a lie in the matter.
+
+Saith Ponocrates:  At Montpelier, John Chouart having bought of the monks
+of St. Olary a delicate set of decretals, written on fine large parchment
+of Lamballe, to beat gold between the leaves, not so much as a piece that
+was beaten in them came to good, but all were dilacerated and spoiled.
+Mark this! cried Homenas; 'twas a divine punishment and vengeance.
+
+At Mans, said Eudemon, Francis Cornu, apothecary, had turned an old set of
+Extravagantes into waste paper.  May I never stir, if whatever was lapped
+up in them was not immediately corrupted, rotten, and spoiled; incense,
+pepper, cloves, cinnamon, saffron, wax, cassia, rhubarb, tamarinds, all
+drugs and spices, were lost without exception.  Mark, mark, quoth Homenas,
+an effect of divine justice!  This comes of putting the sacred Scriptures
+to such profane uses.
+
+At Paris, said Carpalin, Snip Groignet the tailor had turned an old
+Clementinae into patterns and measures, and all the clothes that were cut
+on them were utterly spoiled and lost; gowns, hoods, cloaks, cassocks,
+jerkins, jackets, waistcoats, capes, doublets, petticoats, corps de robes,
+farthingales, and so forth.  Snip, thinking to cut a hood, would cut you
+out a codpiece; instead of a cassock he would make you a high-crowned hat;
+for a waistcoat he'd shape you out a rochet; on the pattern of a doublet
+he'd make you a thing like a frying-pan.  Then his journeymen having
+stitched it up did jag it and pink it at the bottom, and so it looked like
+a pan to fry chestnuts.  Instead of a cape he made a buskin; for a
+farthingale he shaped a montero cap; and thinking to make a cloak, he'd cut
+out a pair of your big out-strouting Swiss breeches, with panes like the
+outside of a tabor.  Insomuch that Snip was condemned to make good the
+stuffs to all his customers; and to this day poor Cabbage's hair grows
+through his hood and his arse through his pocket-holes.  Mark, an effect of
+heavenly wrath and vengeance! cried Homenas.
+
+At Cahusac, said Gymnast, a match being made by the lords of Estissac and
+Viscount Lausun to shoot at a mark, Perotou had taken to pieces a set of
+decretals and set one of the leaves for the white to shoot at.  Now I sell,
+nay, I give and bequeath for ever and aye, the mould of my doublet to
+fifteen hundred hampers full of black devils, if ever any archer in the
+country (though they are singular marksmen in Guienne) could hit the white.
+Not the least bit of the holy scribble was contaminated or touched; nay,
+and Sansornin the elder, who held stakes, swore to us, figues dioures, hard
+figs (his greatest oath), that he had openly, visibly, and manifestly seen
+the bolt of Carquelin moving right to the round circle in the middle of the
+white; and that just on the point, when it was going to hit and enter, it
+had gone aside above seven foot and four inches wide of it towards the
+bakehouse.
+
+Miracle! cried Homenas, miracle! miracle!  Clerica, come wench, light,
+light here.  Here's to you all, gentlemen; I vow you seem to me very sound
+Christians.  While he said this, the maidens began to snicker at his elbow,
+grinning, giggling, and twittering among themselves.  Friar John began to
+paw, neigh, and whinny at the snout's end, as one ready to leap, or at
+least to play the ass, and get up and ride tantivy to the devil like a
+beggar on horseback.
+
+Methinks, said Pantagruel, a man might have been more out of danger near
+the white of which Gymnast spoke than was formerly Diogenes near another.
+How is that? asked Homenas; what was it?  Was he one of our decretalists?
+Rarely fallen in again, egad, said Epistemon, returning from stool; I see
+he will hook his decretals in, though by the head and shoulders.
+
+Diogenes, said Pantagruel, one day for pastime went to see some archers
+that shot at butts, one of whom was so unskilful, that when it was his turn
+to shoot all the bystanders went aside, lest he should mistake them for the
+mark.  Diogenes had seen him shoot extremely wide of it; so when the other
+was taking aim a second time, and the people removed at a great distance to
+the right and left of the white, he placed himself close by the mark,
+holding that place to be the safest, and that so bad an archer would
+certainly rather hit any other.
+
+One of the Lord d'Estissac's pages at last found out the charm, pursued
+Gymnast, and by his advice Perotou put in another white made up of some
+papers of Pouillac's lawsuit, and then everyone shot cleverly.
+
+At Landerousse, said Rhizotome, at John Delif's wedding were very great
+doings, as 'twas then the custom of the country.  After supper several
+farces, interludes, and comical scenes were acted; they had also several
+morris-dancers with bells and tabors, and divers sorts of masks and mummers
+were let in.  My schoolfellows and I, to grace the festival to the best of
+our power (for fine white and purple liveries had been given to all of us
+in the morning), contrived a merry mask with store of cockle-shells, shells
+of snails, periwinkles, and such other.  Then for want of cuckoo-pint, or
+priest-pintle, lousebur, clote, and paper, we made ourselves false faces
+with the leaves of an old Sextum that had been thrown by and lay there for
+anyone that would take it up, cutting out holes for the eyes, nose, and
+mouth.  Now, did you ever hear the like since you were born?  When we had
+played our little boyish antic tricks, and came to take off our sham faces,
+we appeared more hideous and ugly than the little devils that acted the
+Passion at Douay; for our faces were utterly spoiled at the places which
+had been touched by those leaves.  One had there the small-pox; another,
+God's token, or the plague-spot; a third, the crinckums; a fourth, the
+measles; a fifth, botches, pushes, and carbuncles; in short, he came off
+the least hurt who only lost his teeth by the bargain.  Miracle! bawled out
+Homenas, miracle!
+
+Hold, hold! cried Rhizotome; it is not yet time to clap.  My sister Kate
+and my sister Ren had put the crepines of their hoods, their ruffles,
+snuffekins, and neck-ruffs new washed, starched, and ironed, into that very
+book of decretals; for, you must know, it was covered with thick boards and
+had strong clasps.  Now, by the virtue of God--Hold, interrupted Homenas,
+what god do you mean?  There is but one, answered Rhizotome.  In heaven, I
+grant, replied Homenas; but we have another here on earth, do you see?  Ay,
+marry have we, said Rhizotome; but on my soul I protest I had quite forgot
+it.  Well then, by the virtue of god the pope, their pinners, neck-ruffs,
+bib, coifs, and other linen turned as black as a charcoal-man's sack.
+Miracle! cried Homenas.  Here, Clerica, light me here; and prithee, girl,
+observe these rare stories.  How comes it to pass then, asked Friar John,
+that people say,
+
+  Ever since decrees had tails,
+  And gendarmes lugged heavy mails,
+  Since each monk would have a horse,
+  All went here from bad to worse.
+
+I understand you, answered Homenas; this is one of the quirks and little
+satires of the new-fangled heretics.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LIII.
+
+How by the virtue of the decretals, gold is subtilely drawn out of France
+to Rome.
+
+I would, said Epistemon, it had cost me a pint of the best tripe that ever
+can enter into gut, so we had but compared with the original the dreadful
+chapters, Execrabilis, De multa, Si plures; De annatis per totum; Nisi
+essent; Cum ad monasterium; Quod delectio; Mandatum; and certain others,
+that draw every year out of France to Rome four hundred thousand ducats and
+more.
+
+Do you make nothing of this? asked Homenas.  Though, methinks, after all,
+it is but little, if we consider that France, the most Christian, is the
+only nurse the see of Rome has.  However, find me in the whole world a
+book, whether of philosophy, physic, law, mathematics, or other humane
+learning, nay, even, by my God, of the Holy Scripture itself, will draw as
+much money thence?  None, none, psha, tush, blurt, pish; none can.  You may
+look till your eyes drop out of your head, nay, till doomsday in the
+afternoon, before you can find another of that energy; I'll pass my word
+for that.
+
+Yet these devilish heretics refuse to learn and know it.  Burn 'em, tear
+'em, nip 'em with hot pincers, drown 'em, hang 'em, spit 'em at the
+bunghole, pelt 'em, paut 'em, bruise 'em, beat 'em, cripple 'em, dismember
+'em, cut 'em, gut 'em, bowel 'em, paunch 'em, thrash 'em, slash 'em, gash
+'em, chop 'em, slice 'em, slit 'em, carve 'em, saw 'em, bethwack 'em, pare
+'em, hack 'em, hew 'em, mince 'em, flay 'em, boil 'em, broil 'em, roast
+'em, toast 'em, bake 'em, fry 'em, crucify 'em, crush 'em, squeeze 'em,
+grind 'em, batter 'em, burst 'em, quarter 'em, unlimb 'em, behump 'em,
+bethump 'em, belam 'em, belabour 'em, pepper 'em, spitchcock 'em, and
+carbonade 'em on gridirons, these wicked heretics! decretalifuges,
+decretalicides, worse than homicides, worse than patricides,
+decretalictones of the devil of hell.
+
+As for you other good people, I must earnestly pray and beseech you to
+believe no other thing, to think on, say, undertake, or do no other thing,
+than what's contained in our sacred decretals and their corollaries, this
+fine Sextum, these fine Clementinae, these fine Extravagantes.  O deific
+books!  So shall you enjoy glory, honour, exaltation, wealth, dignities,
+and preferments in this world; be revered and dreaded by all, preferred,
+elected, and chosen above all men.
+
+For there is not under the cope of heaven a condition of men out of which
+you'll find persons fitter to do and handle all things than those who by
+divine prescience, eternal predestination, have applied themselves to the
+study of the holy decretals.
+
+Would you choose a worthy emperor, a good captain, a fit general in time of
+war, one that can well foresee all inconveniences, avoid all dangers,
+briskly and bravely bring his men on to a breach or attack, still be on
+sure grounds, always overcome without loss of his men, and know how to make
+a good use of his victory?  Take me a decretist.  No, no, I mean a
+decretalist.  Ho, the foul blunder, whispered Epistemon.
+
+Would you, in time of peace, find a man capable of wisely governing the
+state of a commonwealth, of a kingdom, of an empire, of a monarchy;
+sufficient to maintain the clergy, nobility, senate, and commons in wealth,
+friendship, unity, obedience, virtue, and honesty?  Take a decretalist.
+
+Would you find a man who, by his exemplary life, eloquence, and pious
+admonitions, may in a short time, without effusion of human blood, conquer
+the Holy Land, and bring over to the holy Church the misbelieving Turks,
+Jews, Tartars, Muscovites, Mamelukes, and Sarrabonites?  Take me a
+decretalist.
+
+What makes, in many countries, the people rebellious and depraved, pages
+saucy and mischievous, students sottish and duncical?  Nothing but that
+their governors and tutors were not decretalists.
+
+But what, on your conscience, was it, do you think, that established,
+confirmed, and authorized those fine religious orders with whom you see the
+Christian world everywhere adorned, graced, and illustrated, as the
+firmament is with its glorious stars?  The holy decretals.
+
+What was it that founded, underpropped, and fixed, and now maintains,
+nourishes, and feeds the devout monks and friars in convents, monasteries,
+and abbeys; so that did they not daily and mightily pray without ceasing,
+the world would be in evident danger of returning to its primitive chaos?
+The sacred decretals.
+
+What makes and daily increases the famous and celebrated patrimony of St.
+Peter in plenty of all temporal, corporeal, and spiritual blessings?  The
+holy decretals.
+
+What made the holy apostolic see and pope of Rome, in all times, and at
+this present, so dreadful in the universe, that all kings, emperors,
+potentates, and lords, willing, nilling, must depend upon him, hold of him,
+be crowned, confirmed, and authorized by him, come thither to strike sail,
+buckle, and fall down before his holy slipper, whose picture you have seen?
+The mighty decretals of God.
+
+I will discover you a great secret.  The universities of your world have
+commonly a book, either open or shut, in their arms and devices; what book
+do you think it is?  Truly, I do not know, answered Pantagruel; I never
+read it.  It is the decretals, said Homenas, without which the privileges
+of all universities would soon be lost.  You must own that I have taught
+you this; ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
+
+Here Homenas began to belch, to fart, to funk, to laugh, to slaver, and to
+sweat; and then he gave his huge greasy four-cornered cap to one of the
+lasses, who clapped it on her pretty head with a great deal of joy, after
+she had lovingly bussed it, as a sure token that she should be first
+married.  Vivat, cried Epistemon, fifat, bibat, pipat.
+
+O apocalyptic secret! continued Homenas; light, light, Clerica; light here
+with double lanterns.  Now for the fruit, virgins.
+
+I was saying, then, that giving yourselves thus wholly to the study of the
+holy decretals, you will gain wealth and honour in this world.  I add, that
+in the next you will infallibly be saved in the blessed kingdom of heaven,
+whose keys are given to our good god and decretaliarch.  O my good god,
+whom I adore and never saw, by thy special grace open unto us, at the point
+of death at least, this most sacred treasure of our holy Mother Church,
+whose protector, preserver, butler, chief-larder, administrator, and
+disposer thou art; and take care, I beseech thee, O lord, that the precious
+works of supererogation, the goodly pardons, do not fail us in time of
+need; so that the devils may not find an opportunity to gripe our precious
+souls, and the dreadful jaws of hell may not swallow us.  If we must pass
+through purgatory thy will be done.  It is in thy power to draw us out of
+it when thou pleasest.  Here Homenas began to shed huge hot briny tears, to
+beat his breast, and kiss his thumbs in the shape of a cross.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LIV.
+
+How Homenas gave Pantagruel some bon-Christian pears.
+
+Epistemon, Friar John, and Panurge, seeing this doleful catastrophe, began,
+under the cover of their napkins, to cry Meeow, meeow, meeow; feigning to
+wipe their eyes all the while as if they had wept.  The wenches were doubly
+diligent, and brought brimmers of Clementine wine to every one, besides
+store of sweetmeats; and thus the feasting was revived.
+
+Before we arose from table, Homenas gave us a great quantity of fair large
+pears, saying, Here, my good friends, these are singular good pears.  You
+will find none such anywhere else, I dare warrant.  Every soil bears not
+everything, you know.  India alone boasts black ebony; the best incense is
+produced in Sabaea; the sphragitid earth at Lemnos; so this island is the
+only place where such fine pears grow.  You may, if you please, make
+seminaries with their pippins in your country.
+
+I like their taste extremely, said Pantagruel.  If they were sliced, and
+put into a pan on the fire with wine and sugar, I fancy they would be very
+wholesome meat for the sick, as well as for the healthy.  Pray what do you
+call 'em?  No otherwise than you have heard, replied Homenas.  We are a
+plain downright sort of people, as God would have it, and call figs, figs;
+plums, plums; and pears, pears.  Truly, said Pantagruel, if I live to go
+home--which I hope will be speedily, God willing--I'll set off and graff
+some in my garden in Touraine, by the banks of the Loire, and will call
+them bon-Christian or good-Christian pears, for I never saw better
+Christians than are these good Papimans.  I would like him two to one
+better yet, said Friar John, would he but give us two or three cartloads of
+yon buxom lasses.  Why, what would you do with them? cried Homenas.  Quoth
+Friar John, No harm, only bleed the kind-hearted souls straight between the
+two great toes with certain clever lancets of the right stamp; by which
+operation good Christian children would be inoculated upon them, and the
+breed be multiplied in our country, in which there are not many over-good,
+the more's the pity.
+
+Nay, verily, replied Homenas, we cannot do this; for you would make them
+tread their shoes awry, crack their pipkins, and spoil their shapes.  You
+love mutton, I see; you will run at sheep.  I know you by that same nose
+and hair of yours, though I never saw your face before.  Alas! alas! how
+kind you are!  And would you indeed damn your precious soul?  Our decretals
+forbid this.  Ah, I wish you had them at your finger's-end.  Patience, said
+Friar John; but, si tu non vis dare, praesta, quaesumus.  Matter of
+breviary.  As for that, I defy all the world, and I fear no man that wears
+a head and a hood, though he were a crystalline, I mean a decretaline
+doctor.
+
+Dinner being over, we took our leave of the right reverend Homenas, and of
+all the good people, humbly giving thanks; and, to make them amends for
+their kind entertainment, promised them that, at our coming to Rome, we
+would make our applications so effectually to the pope that he would
+speedily be sure to come to visit them in person.  After this we went
+o'board.
+
+Pantagruel, by an act of generosity, and as an acknowledgment of the sight
+of the pope's picture, gave Homenas nine pieces of double friezed cloth of
+gold to be set before the grates of the window.  He also caused the church
+box for its repairs and fabric to be quite filled with double crowns of
+gold; and ordered nine hundred and fourteen angels to be delivered to each
+of the lasses who had waited at table, to buy them husbands when they could
+get them.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LV.
+
+How Pantagruel, being at sea, heard various unfrozen words.
+
+When we were at sea, junketting, tippling, discoursing, and telling
+stories, Pantagruel rose and stood up to look out; then asked us, Do you
+hear nothing, gentlemen?  Methinks I hear some people talking in the air,
+yet I can see nobody.  Hark!  According to his command we listened, and
+with full ears sucked in the air as some of you suck oysters, to find if we
+could hear some sound scattered through the sky; and to lose none of it,
+like the Emperor Antoninus some of us laid their hands hollow next to their
+ears; but all this would not do, nor could we hear any voice.  Yet
+Pantagruel continued to assure us he heard various voices in the air, some
+of men, and some of women.
+
+At last we began to fancy that we also heard something, or at least that
+our ears tingled; and the more we listened, the plainer we discerned the
+voices, so as to distinguish articulate sounds.  This mightily frightened
+us, and not without cause; since we could see nothing, yet heard such
+various sounds and voices of men, women, children, horses, &c., insomuch
+that Panurge cried out, Cods-belly, there is no fooling with the devil; we
+are all beshit, let's fly.  There is some ambuscado hereabouts.  Friar
+John, art thou here my love?  I pray thee, stay by me, old boy.  Hast thou
+got thy swindging tool?  See that it do not stick in thy scabbard; thou
+never scourest it half as it should be.  We are undone.  Hark!  They are
+guns, gad judge me.  Let's fly, I do not say with hands and feet, as Brutus
+said at the battle of Pharsalia; I say, with sails and oars.  Let's whip it
+away.  I never find myself to have a bit of courage at sea; in cellars and
+elsewhere I have more than enough.  Let's fly and save our bacon.  I do not
+say this for any fear that I have; for I dread nothing but danger, that I
+don't; I always say it that shouldn't.  The free archer of Baignolet said
+as much.  Let us hazard nothing, therefore, I say, lest we come off bluely.
+Tack about, helm a-lee, thou son of a bachelor.  Would I were now well in
+Quinquenais, though I were never to marry.  Haste away, let's make all the
+sail we can.  They'll be too hard for us; we are not able to cope with
+them; they are ten to our one, I'll warrant you.  Nay, and they are on
+their dunghill, while we do not know the country.  They will be the death
+of us.  We'll lose no honour by flying.  Demosthenes saith that the man
+that runs away may fight another day.  At least let us retreat to the
+leeward.  Helm a-lee; bring the main-tack aboard, haul the bowlines, hoist
+the top-gallants.  We are all dead men; get off, in the devil's name, get
+off.
+
+Pantagruel, hearing the sad outcry which Panurge made, said, Who talks of
+flying?  Let's first see who they are; perhaps they may be friends.  I can
+discover nobody yet, though I can see a hundred miles round me.  But let's
+consider a little.  I have read that a philosopher named Petron was of
+opinion that there were several worlds that touched each other in an
+equilateral triangle; in whose centre, he said, was the dwelling of truth;
+and that the words, ideas, copies, and images of all things past and to
+come resided there; round which was the age; and that with success of time
+part of them used to fall on mankind like rheums and mildews, just as the
+dew fell on Gideon's fleece, till the age was fulfilled.
+
+I also remember, continued he, that Aristotle affirms Homer's words to be
+flying, moving, and consequently animated.  Besides, Antiphanes said that
+Plato's philosophy was like words which, being spoken in some country
+during a hard winter, are immediately congealed, frozen up, and not heard;
+for what Plato taught young lads could hardly be understood by them when
+they were grown old.  Now, continued he, we should philosophize and search
+whether this be not the place where those words are thawed.
+
+You would wonder very much should this be the head and lyre of Orpheus.
+When the Thracian women had torn him to pieces they threw his head and lyre
+into the river Hebrus, down which they floated to the Euxine sea as far as
+the island of Lesbos; the head continually uttering a doleful song, as it
+were lamenting the death of Orpheus, and the lyre, with the wind's impulse
+moving its strings and harmoniously accompanying the voice.  Let's see if
+we cannot discover them hereabouts.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LVI.
+
+How among the frozen words Pantagruel found some odd ones.
+
+The skipper made answer:  Be not afraid, my lord; we are on the confines of
+the Frozen Sea, on which, about the beginning of last winter, happened a
+great and bloody fight between the Arimaspians and the Nephelibates.  Then
+the words and cries of men and women, the hacking, slashing, and hewing of
+battle-axes, the shocking, knocking, and jolting of armours and harnesses,
+the neighing of horses, and all other martial din and noise, froze in the
+air; and now, the rigour of the winter being over, by the succeeding
+serenity and warmth of the weather they melt and are heard.
+
+By jingo, quoth Panurge, the man talks somewhat like.  I believe him.  But
+couldn't we see some of 'em?  I think I have read that, on the edge of the
+mountain on which Moses received the Judaic law, the people saw the voices
+sensibly.  Here, here, said Pantagruel, here are some that are not yet
+thawed.  He then threw us on the deck whole handfuls of frozen words, which
+seemed to us like your rough sugar-plums, of many colours, like those used
+in heraldry; some words gules (this means also jests and merry sayings),
+some vert, some azure, some black, some or (this means also fair words);
+and when we had somewhat warmed them between our hands, they melted like
+snow, and we really heard them, but could not understand them, for it was a
+barbarous gibberish.  One of them only, that was pretty big, having been
+warmed between Friar John's hands, gave a sound much like that of chestnuts
+when they are thrown into the fire without being first cut, which made us
+all start.  This was the report of a field-piece in its time, cried Friar
+John.
+
+Panurge prayed Pantagruel to give him some more; but Pantagruel told him
+that to give words was the part of a lover.  Sell me some then, I pray you,
+cried Panurge.  That's the part of a lawyer, returned Pantagruel.  I would
+sooner sell you silence, though at a dearer rate; as Demosthenes formerly
+sold it by the means of his argentangina, or silver squinsy.
+
+However, he threw three or four handfuls of them on the deck; among which I
+perceived some very sharp words, and some bloody words, which the pilot
+said used sometimes to go back and recoil to the place whence they came,
+but it was with a slit weasand.  We also saw some terrible words, and some
+others not very pleasant to the eye.
+
+When they had been all melted together, we heard a strange noise, hin, hin,
+hin, hin, his, tick, tock, taack, bredelinbrededack, frr, frr, frr, bou,
+bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, track, track, trr, trr, trr, trrr,
+trrrrrr, on, on, on, on, on, on, ououououon, gog, magog, and I do not know
+what other barbarous words, which the pilot said were the noise made by the
+charging squadrons, the shock and neighing of horses.
+
+Then we heard some large ones go off like drums and fifes, and others like
+clarions and trumpets.  Believe me, we had very good sport with them.  I
+would fain have saved some merry odd words, and have preserved them in oil,
+as ice and snow are kept, and between clean straw.  But Pantagruel would
+not let me, saying that 'tis a folly to hoard up what we are never like to
+want or have always at hand, odd, quaint, merry, and fat words of gules
+never being scarce among all good and jovial Pantagruelists.
+
+Panurge somewhat vexed Friar John, and put him in the pouts; for he took
+him at his word while he dreamed of nothing less.  This caused the friar to
+threaten him with such a piece of revenge as was put upon G. Jousseaume,
+who having taken the merry Patelin at his word when he had overbid himself
+in some cloth, was afterwards fairly taken by the horns like a bullock by
+his jovial chapman, whom he took at his word like a man.  Panurge, well
+knowing that threatened folks live long, bobbed and made mouths at him in
+token of derision, then cried, Would I had here the word of the Holy
+Bottle, without being thus obliged to go further in pilgrimage to her.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LVII.
+
+How Pantagruel went ashore at the dwelling of Gaster, the first master of
+arts in the world.
+
+That day Pantagruel went ashore in an island which, for situation and
+governor, may be said not to have its fellow.  When you just come into it,
+you find it rugged, craggy, and barren, unpleasant to the eye, painful to
+the feet, and almost as inaccessible as the mountain of Dauphine, which is
+somewhat like a toadstool, and was never climbed as any can remember by any
+but Doyac, who had the charge of King Charles the Eighth's train of
+artillery.
+
+This same Doyac with strange tools and engines gained that mountain's top,
+and there he found an old ram.  It puzzled many a wise head to guess how it
+got thither.  Some said that some eagle or great horncoot, having carried
+it thither while it was yet a lambkin, it had got away and saved itself
+among the bushes.
+
+As for us, having with much toil and sweat overcome the difficult ways at
+the entrance, we found the top of the mountain so fertile, healthful, and
+pleasant, that I thought I was then in the true garden of Eden, or earthly
+paradise, about whose situation our good theologues are in such a quandary
+and keep such a pother.
+
+As for Pantagruel, he said that here was the seat of Arete--that is as much
+as to say, virtue--described by Hesiod.  This, however, with submission to
+better judgments.  The ruler of this place was one Master Gaster, the first
+master of arts in this world.  For, if you believe that fire is the great
+master of arts, as Tully writes, you very much wrong him and yourself;
+alas! Tully never believed this.  On the other side, if you fancy Mercury
+to be the first inventor of arts, as our ancient Druids believed of old,
+you are mightily beside the mark.  The satirist's sentence, that affirms
+Master Gaster to be the master of all arts, is true.  With him peacefully
+resided old goody Penia, alias Poverty, the mother of the ninety-nine
+Muses, on whom Porus, the lord of Plenty, formerly begot Love, that noble
+child, the mediator of heaven and earth, as Plato affirms in Symposio.
+
+We were all obliged to pay our homage and swear allegiance to that mighty
+sovereign; for he is imperious, severe, blunt, hard, uneasy, inflexible;
+you cannot make him believe, represent to him, or persuade him anything.
+
+He does not hear; and as the Egyptians said that Harpocrates, the god of
+silence, named Sigalion in Greek, was astome, that is, without a mouth, so
+Gaster was created without ears, even like the image of Jupiter in Candia.
+
+He only speaks by signs, but those signs are more readily obeyed by
+everyone than the statutes of senates or commands of monarchs.  Neither
+will he admit the least let or delay in his summons.  You say that when a
+lion roars all the beasts at a considerable distance round about, as far as
+his roar can be heard, are seized with a shivering.  This is written, it is
+true, I have seen it. I assure you that at Master Gaster's command the very
+heavens tremble, and all the earth shakes.  His command is called, Do this
+or die.  Needs must when the devil drives; there's no gainsaying of it.
+
+The pilot was telling us how, on a certain time, after the manner of the
+members that mutinied against the belly, as Aesop describes it, the whole
+kingdom of the Somates went off into a direct faction against Gaster,
+resolving to throw off his yoke; but they soon found their mistake, and
+most humbly submitted, for otherwise they had all been famished.
+
+What company soever he is in, none dispute with him for precedence or
+superiority; he still goes first, though kings, emperors, or even the pope,
+were there.  So he held the first place at the council of Basle; though
+some will tell you that the council was tumultuous by the contention and
+ambition of many for priority.
+
+Everyone is busied and labours to serve him, and indeed, to make amends for
+this, he does this good to mankind, as to invent for them all arts,
+machines, trades, engines, and crafts; he even instructs brutes in arts
+which are against their nature, making poets of ravens, jackdaws,
+chattering jays, parrots, and starlings, and poetesses of magpies, teaching
+them to utter human language, speak, and sing; and all for the gut.  He
+reclaims and tames eagles, gerfalcons, falcons gentle, sakers, lanners,
+goshawks, sparrowhawks, merlins, haggards, passengers, wild rapacious
+birds; so that, setting them free in the air whenever he thinks fit, as
+high and as long as he pleases, he keeps them suspended, straying, flying,
+hovering, and courting him above the clouds.  Then on a sudden he makes
+them stoop, and come down amain from heaven next to the ground; and all for
+the gut.
+
+Elephants, lions, rhinoceroses, bears, horses, mares, and dogs, he teaches
+to dance, prance, vault, fight, swim, hide themselves, fetch and carry what
+he pleases; and all for the gut.
+
+Salt and fresh-water fish, whales, and the monsters of the main, he brings
+them up from the bottom of the deep; wolves he forces out of the woods,
+bears out of the rocks, foxes out of their holes, and serpents out of the
+ground, and all for the gut.
+
+In short, he is so unruly, that in his rage he devours all men and beasts;
+as was seen among the Vascons, when Q. Metellus besieged them in the
+Sertorian wars, among the Saguntines besieged by Hannibal; among the Jews
+besieged by the Romans, and six hundred more; and all for the gut.  When
+his regent Penia takes a progress, wherever she moves all senates are shut
+up, all statutes repealed, all orders and proclamations vain; she knows,
+obeys, and has no law.  All shun her, in every place choosing rather to
+expose themselves to shipwreck at sea, and venture through fire, rocks,
+caves, and precipices, than be seized by that most dreadful tormentor.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LVIII.
+
+How, at the court of the master of ingenuity, Pantagruel detested the
+Engastrimythes and the Gastrolaters.
+
+At the court of that great master of ingenuity, Pantagruel observed two
+sorts of troublesome and too officious apparitors, whom he very much
+detested.  The first were called Engastrimythes; the others, Gastrolaters.
+
+The first pretended to be descended of the ancient race of Eurycles, and
+for this brought the authority of Aristophanes in his comedy called the
+Wasps; whence of old they were called Euryclians, as Plato writes, and
+Plutarch in his book of the Cessation of Oracles.  In the holy decrees, 26,
+qu. 3, they are styled Ventriloqui; and the same name is given them in
+Ionian by Hippocrates, in his fifth book of Epid., as men who speak from
+the belly.  Sophocles calls them Sternomantes.  These were soothsayers,
+enchanters, cheats, who gulled the mob, and seemed not to speak and give
+answers from the mouth, but from the belly.
+
+Such a one, about the year of our Lord 1513, was Jacoba Rodogina, an
+Italian woman of mean extract; from whose belly we, as well as an infinite
+number of others at Ferrara and elsewhere, have often heard the voice of
+the evil spirit speak, low, feeble, and small, indeed, but yet very
+distinct, articulate, and intelligible, when she was sent for out of
+curiosity by the lords and princes of the Cisalpine Gaul.  To remove all
+manner of doubt, and be assured that this was not a trick, they used to
+have her stripped stark naked, and caused her mouth and nose to be stopped.
+This evil spirit would be called Curled-pate, or Cincinnatulo, seeming
+pleased when any called him by that name, at which he was always ready to
+answer.  If any spoke to him of things past or present, he gave pertinent
+answers, sometimes to the amazement of the hearers; but if of things to
+come, then the devil was gravelled, and used to lie as fast as a dog can
+trot.  Nay, sometimes he seemed to own his ignorance, instead of an answer
+letting out a rousing fart, or muttering some words with barbarous and
+uncouth inflexions, and not to be understood.
+
+As for the Gastrolaters, they stuck close to one another in knots and
+gangs.  Some of them merry, wanton, and soft as so many milk-sops; others
+louring, grim, dogged, demure, and crabbed; all idle, mortal foes to
+business, spending half their time in sleeping and the rest in doing
+nothing, a rent-charge and dead unnecessary weight on the earth, as Hesiod
+saith; afraid, as we judged, of offending or lessening their paunch.
+Others were masked, disguised, and so oddly dressed that it would have done
+you good to have seen them.
+
+There's a saying, and several ancient sages write, that the skill of nature
+appears wonderful in the pleasure which she seems to have taken in the
+configuration of sea-shells, so great is their variety in figures, colours,
+streaks, and inimitable shapes.  I protest the variety we perceived in the
+dresses of the gastrolatrous coquillons was not less.  They all owned
+Gaster for their supreme god, adored him as a god, offered him sacrifices
+as to their omnipotent deity, owned no other god, served, loved, and
+honoured him above all things.
+
+You would have thought that the holy apostle spoke of those when he said
+(Phil. chap. 3), Many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you
+even weeping, that they are enemies of the cross of Christ:  whose end is
+destruction, whose God is their belly.  Pantagruel compared them to the
+Cyclops Polyphemus, whom Euripides brings in speaking thus:  I only
+sacrifice to myself--not to the gods--and to this belly of mine, the
+greatest of all the gods.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LIX.
+
+Of the ridiculous statue Manduce; and how and what the Gastrolaters
+sacrifice to their ventripotent god.
+
+While we fed our eyes with the sight of the phizzes and actions of these
+lounging gulligutted Gastrolaters, we on a sudden heard the sound of a
+musical instrument called a bell; at which all of them placed themselves in
+rank and file as for some mighty battle, everyone according to his office,
+degree, and seniority.
+
+In this order they moved towards Master Gaster, after a plump, young,
+lusty, gorbellied fellow, who on a long staff fairly gilt carried a wooden
+statue, grossly carved, and as scurvily daubed over with paint; such a one
+as Plautus, Juvenal, and Pomp. Festus describe it.  At Lyons during the
+Carnival it is called Maschecroute or Gnawcrust; they call'd this Manduce.
+
+It was a monstrous, ridiculous, hideous figure, fit to fright little
+children; its eyes were bigger than its belly, and its head larger than all
+the rest of its body; well mouth-cloven however, having a goodly pair of
+wide, broad jaws, lined with two rows of teeth, upper tier and under tier,
+which, by the magic of a small twine hid in the hollow part of the golden
+staff, were made to clash, clatter, and rattle dreadfully one against
+another; as they do at Metz with St. Clement's dragon.
+
+Coming near the Gastrolaters I saw they were followed by a great number of
+fat waiters and tenders, laden with baskets, dossers, hampers, dishes,
+wallets, pots, and kettles.  Then, under the conduct of Manduce, and
+singing I do not know what dithyrambics, crepalocomes, and epenons, opening
+their baskets and pots, they offered their god:
+
+White hippocras,         Fricassees, nine       Cold loins of veal,
+  with dry toasts.         sorts.                 with spice.
+White bread.             Monastical brewis.     Zinziberine.
+Brown bread.             Gravy soup.            Beatille pies.
+Carbonadoes, six         Hotch-pots.            Brewis.
+  sorts.                 Soft bread.            Marrow-bones, toast,
+Brawn.                   Household bread.         and cabbage.
+Sweetbreads.             Capirotadoes.          Hashes.
+
+Eternal drink intermixed.  Brisk delicate white wine led the van; claret
+and champagne followed, cool, nay, as cold as the very ice, I say, filled
+and offered in large silver cups.  Then they offered:
+
+Chitterlings, gar-       Chines and peas.       Hams.
+  nished with mus-       Hog's haslets.         Brawn heads.
+  tard.                  Scotch collops.        Powdered venison,
+Sausages.                Puddings.                with turnips.
+Neats' tongues.          Cervelats.             Pickled olives.
+Hung beef.               Bologna sausages.
+
+All this associated with sempiternal liquor.  Then they housed within his
+muzzle:
+
+Legs of mutton, with     Ribs of pork, with     Caponets.
+  shallots.                onion sauce.         Caviare and toast.
+Olias.                   Roast capons, basted   Fawns, deer.
+Lumber pies, with          with their own       Hares, leverets.
+  hot sauce.               dripping.            Plovers.
+Partridges and young     Flamingoes.            Herons, and young
+  partridges.            Cygnets.                 herons.
+Dwarf-herons.            A reinforcement of     Olives.
+Teals.                     vinegar intermixed.  Thrushes.
+Duckers.                 Venison pasties.       Young sea-ravens.
+Bitterns.                Lark pies.             Geese, goslings.
+Shovellers.              Dormice pies.          Queests.
+Curlews.                 Cabretto pasties.      Widgeons.
+Wood-hens.               Roebuck pasties.       Mavises.
+Coots, with leeks.       Pigeon pies.           Grouses.
+Fat kids.                Kid pasties.           Turtles.
+Shoulders of mutton,     Capon pies.            Doe-coneys.
+  with capers.           Bacon pies.            Hedgehogs.
+Sirloins of beef.        Soused hog's feet.     Snites.
+Breasts of veal.         Fried pasty-crust.     Then large puffs.
+Pheasants and phea-      Forced capons.         Thistle-finches.
+  sant poots.            Parmesan cheese.       Whore's farts.
+Peacocks.                Red and pale hip-      Fritters.
+Storks.                    pocras.              Cakes, sixteen sorts.
+Woodcocks.               Gold-peaches.          Crisp wafers.
+Snipes.                  Artichokes.            Quince tarts.
+Ortolans.                Dry and wet sweet-     Curds and cream.
+Turkey cocks, hen          meats, seventy-      Whipped cream.
+  turkeys, and turkey      eight sorts.         Preserved mirabo-
+  poots.                 Boiled hens, and fat     lans.
+Stock-doves, and           capons marinated.    Jellies.
+  wood-culvers.          Pullets, with eggs.    Welsh barrapyclids.
+Pigs, with wine sauce.   Chickens.              Macaroons.
+Blackbirds, ousels, and  Rabbits, and sucking   Tarts, twenty sorts.
+  rails.                   rabbits.             Lemon cream, rasp-
+Moorhens.                Quails, and young        berry cream, &c.
+Bustards, and bustard      quails.              Comfits, one hundred
+  poots.                 Pigeons, squabs, and     colours.
+Fig-peckers.               squeakers.           Cream wafers.
+Young Guinea hens.       Fieldfares.            Cream cheese.
+
+Vinegar brought up the rear to wash the mouth, and for fear of the squinsy;
+also toasts to scour the grinders.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LX.
+
+What the Gastrolaters sacrificed to their god on interlarded fish-days.
+
+Pantagruel did not like this pack of rascally scoundrels with their
+manifold kitchen sacrifices, and would have been gone had not Epistemon
+prevailed with him to stay and see the end of the farce.  He then asked the
+skipper what the idle lobcocks used to sacrifice to their gorbellied god on
+interlarded fish-days.  For his first course, said the skipper, they gave
+him:
+
+Caviare.                  tops, bishop's-cods,    Red herrings.
+Botargoes.                celery, chives, ram-    Pilchards.
+Fresh butter.             pions, jew's-ears (a    Anchovies.
+Pease soup.               sort of mushrooms       Fry of tunny.
+Spinach.                  that sprout out of      Cauliflowers.
+Fresh herrings, full      old elders), spara-     Beans.
+  roed.                   gus, wood-bind,         Salt salmon.
+Salads, a hundred         and a world of          Pickled grigs.
+  varieties, of cres-     others.                 Oysters in the shell.
+  ses, sodden hop-
+
+Then he must drink, or the devil would gripe him at the throat; this,
+therefore, they take care to prevent, and nothing is wanting.  Which being
+done, they give him lampreys with hippocras sauce:
+
+Gurnards.               Thornbacks.             Fried oysters.
+Salmon trouts.          Sleeves.                Cockles.
+Barbels, great and      Sturgeons.              Prawns.
+  small.                Sheath-fish.            Smelts.
+Roaches.                Mackerels.              Rock-fish.
+Cockerels.              Maids.                  Gracious lords.
+Minnows.                Plaice.                 Sword-fish.
+Skate-fish.             Sharplings.             Soles.
+Lamprels.               Tunnies.                Mussels.
+Jegs.                   Silver eels.            Lobsters.
+Pickerels.              Chevins.                Great prawns.
+Golden carps.           Crayfish.               Dace.
+Burbates.               Pallours.               Bleaks.
+Salmons.                Shrimps.                Tenches.
+Salmon-peels.           Congers.                Ombres.
+Dolphins.               Porpoises.              Fresh cods.
+Barn trouts.            Bases.                  Dried melwels.
+Miller's-thumbs.        Shads.                  Darefish.
+Precks.                 Murenes, a sort of      Fausens, and grigs.
+Bret-fish.                lampreys.             Eel-pouts.
+Flounders.              Graylings.              Tortoises.
+Sea-nettles.            Smys.                   Serpents, i.e. wood-
+Mullets.                Turbots.                  eels.
+Gudgeons.               Trout, not above a      Dories.
+Dabs and sandings.        foot long.            Moor-game.
+Haddocks.               Salmons.                Perches.
+Carps.                  Meagers.                Loaches.
+Pikes.                  Sea-breams.             Crab-fish.
+Bottitoes.              Halibuts.               Snails and whelks.
+Rochets.                Dog's tongue, or kind   Frogs.
+Sea-bears.                fool.
+
+If, when he had crammed all this down his guttural trapdoor, he did not
+immediately make the fish swim again in his paunch, death would pack him
+off in a trice.  Special care is taken to antidote his godship with
+vine-tree syrup.  Then is sacrificed to him haberdines, poor-jack,
+minglemangled, mismashed, &c.
+
+Eggs fried, beaten,       sliced, roasted in     Green-fish.
+  buttered, poached,      the embers, tossed     Sea-batts.
+  hardened, boiled,       in the chimney, &c.    Cod's sounds.
+  broiled, stewed,      Stock-fish.              Sea-pikes.
+
+Which to concoct and digest the more easily, vinegar is multiplied.  For
+the latter part of their sacrifices they offer:
+
+Rice milk, and hasty    Stewed prunes, and       Raisins.
+  pudding.                baked bullace.         Dates.
+Buttered wheat, and     Pistachios, or fistic    Chestnut and wal-
+  flummery.               nuts.                    nuts.
+Water-gruel, and        Figs.                    Filberts.
+  milk-porridge.        Almond butter.           Parsnips.
+Frumenty and bonny      Skirret root.            Artichokes.
+  clamber.              White-pot.
+              Perpetuity of soaking with the whole.
+
+It was none of their fault, I will assure you, if this same god of theirs
+was not publicly, preciously, and plentifully served in the sacrifices,
+better yet than Heliogabalus's idol; nay, more than Bel and the Dragon in
+Babylon, under King Belshazzar.  Yet Gaster had the manners to own that he
+was no god, but a poor, vile, wretched creature.  And as King Antigonus,
+first of the name, when one Hermodotus (as poets will flatter, especially
+princes) in some of his fustian dubbed him a god, and made the sun adopt
+him for his son, said to him:  My lasanophore (or, in plain English, my
+groom of the close-stool) can give thee the lie; so Master Gaster very
+civilly used to send back his bigoted worshippers to his close-stool, to
+see, smell, taste, philosophize, and examine what kind of divinity they
+could pick out of his sir-reverence.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXI.
+
+How Gaster invented means to get and preserve corn.
+
+Those gastrolatrous hobgoblins being withdrawn, Pantagruel carefully minded
+the famous master of arts, Gaster.  You know that, by the institution of
+nature, bread has been assigned him for provision and food; and that, as an
+addition to this blessing, he should never want the means to get bread.
+
+Accordingly, from the beginning he invented the smith's art, and husbandry
+to manure the ground, that it might yield him corn; he invented arms and
+the art of war to defend corn; physic and astronomy, with other parts of
+mathematics which might be useful to keep corn a great number of years in
+safety from the injuries of the air, beasts, robbers, and purloiners; he
+invented water, wind, and handmills, and a thousand other engines to grind
+corn and to turn it into meal; leaven to make the dough ferment, and the
+use of salt to give it a savour; for he knew that nothing bred more
+diseases than heavy, unleavened, unsavoury bread.
+
+He found a way to get fire to bake it; hour-glasses, dials, and clocks to
+mark the time of its baking; and as some countries wanted corn, he
+contrived means to convey some out of one country into another.
+
+He had the wit to pimp for asses and mares, animals of different species,
+that they might copulate for the generation of a third, which we call
+mules, more strong and fit for hard service than the other two.  He
+invented carts and waggons to draw him along with greater ease; and as seas
+and rivers hindered his progress, he devised boats, galleys, and ships (to
+the astonishment of the elements) to waft him over to barbarous, unknown,
+and far distant nations, thence to bring, or thither to carry corn.
+
+Besides, seeing that when he had tilled the ground, some years the corn
+perished in it for want of rain in due season, in others rotted or was
+drowned by its excess, sometimes spoiled by hail, eat by worms in the ear,
+or beaten down by storms, and so his stock was destroyed on the ground; we
+were told that ever since the days of yore he has found out a way to
+conjure the rain down from heaven only with cutting certain grass, common
+enough in the field, yet known to very few, some of which was then shown
+us.  I took it to be the same as the plant, one of whose boughs being
+dipped by Jove's priest in the Agrian fountain on the Lycian mountain in
+Arcadia, in time of drought raised vapours which gathered into clouds, and
+then dissolved into rain that kindly moistened the whole country.
+
+Our master of arts was also said to have found a way to keep the rain up in
+the air, and make it to fall into the sea; also to annihilate the hail,
+suppress the winds, and remove storms as the Methanensians of Troezene used
+to do.  And as in the fields thieves and plunderers sometimes stole and
+took by force the corn and bread which others had toiled to get, he
+invented the art of building towns, forts, and castles, to hoard and secure
+that staff of life.  On the other hand, finding none in the fields, and
+hearing that it was hoarded up and secured in towns, forts, and castles,
+and watched with more care than ever were the golden pippins of the
+Hesperides, he turned engineer, and found ways to beat, storm, and demolish
+forts and castles with machines and warlike thunderbolts, battering-rams,
+ballists, and catapults, whose shapes were shown to us, not over-well
+understood by our engineers, architects, and other disciples of Vitruvius;
+as Master Philibert de l'Orme, King Megistus's principal architect, has
+owned to us.
+
+And seeing that sometimes all these tools of destruction were baffled by
+the cunning subtlety or the subtle cunning (which you please) of
+fortifiers, he lately invented cannons, field-pieces, culverins, bombards,
+basiliskos, murdering instruments that dart iron, leaden, and brazen balls,
+some of them outweighing huge anvils.  This by the means of a most dreadful
+powder, whose hellish compound and effect has even amazed nature, and made
+her own herself outdone by art, the Oxydracian thunders, hails, and storms
+by which the people of that name immediately destroyed their enemies in the
+field being but mere potguns to these.  For one of our great guns when used
+is more dreadful, more terrible, more diabolical, and maims, tears, breaks,
+slays, mows down, and sweeps away more men, and causes a greater
+consternation and destruction than a hundred thunderbolts.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXII.
+
+How Gaster invented an art to avoid being hurt or touched by cannon-balls.
+
+Gaster having secured himself with his corn within strongholds, has
+sometimes been attacked by enemies; his fortresses, by that thrice
+threefold cursed instrument, levelled and destroyed; his dearly beloved
+corn and bread snatched out of his mouth and sacked by a titanic force;
+therefore he then sought means to preserve his walls, bastions, rampiers,
+and sconces from cannon-shot, and to hinder the bullets from hitting him,
+stopping them in their flight, or at least from doing him or the besieged
+walls any damage.  He showed us a trial of this which has been since used
+by Fronton, and is now common among the pastimes and harmless recreations
+of the Thelemites.  I will tell you how he went to work, and pray for the
+future be a little more ready to believe what Plutarch affirms to have
+tried.  Suppose a herd of goats were all scampering as if the devil drove
+them, do but put a bit of eringo into the mouth of the hindmost nanny, and
+they will all stop stock still in the time you can tell three.
+
+Thus Gaster, having caused a brass falcon to be charged with a sufficient
+quantity of gunpowder well purged from its sulphur, and curiously made up
+with fine camphor, he then had a suitable ball put into the piece, with
+twenty-four little pellets like hail-shot, some round, some pearl fashion;
+then taking his aim and levelling it at a page of his, as if he would have
+hit him on the breast.  About sixty strides off the piece, halfway between
+it and the page in a right line, he hanged on a gibbet by a rope a very
+large siderite or iron-like stone, otherwise called herculean, formerly
+found on Ida in Phrygia by one Magnes, as Nicander writes, and commonly
+called loadstone; then he gave fire to the prime on the piece's touch-hole,
+which in an instant consuming the powder, the ball and hail-shot were with
+incredible violence and swiftness hurried out of the gun at its muzzle,
+that the air might penetrate to its chamber, where otherwise would have
+been a vacuum, which nature abhors so much, that this universal machine,
+heaven, air, land, and sea, would sooner return to the primitive chaos than
+admit the least void anywhere.  Now the ball and small shot, which
+threatened the page with no less than quick destruction, lost their
+impetuosity and remained suspended and hovering round the stone; nor did
+any of them, notwithstanding the fury with which they rushed, reach the
+page.
+
+Master Gaster could do more than all this yet, if you will believe me; for
+he invented a way how to cause bullets to fly backwards, and recoil on
+those that sent them with as great a force, and in the very numerical
+parallel for which the guns were planted.  And indeed, why should he have
+thought this difficult? seeing the herb ethiopis opens all locks
+whatsoever, and an echinus or remora, a silly weakly fish, in spite of all
+the winds that blow from the thirty-two points of the compass, will in the
+midst of a hurricane make you the biggest first-rate remain stock still, as
+if she were becalmed or the blustering tribe had blown their last.  Nay,
+and with the flesh of that fish, preserved with salt, you may fish gold out
+of the deepest well that was ever sounded with a plummet; for it will
+certainly draw up the precious metal, since Democritus affirmed it.
+Theophrastus believed and experienced that there was an herb at whose
+single touch an iron wedge, though never so far driven into a huge log of
+the hardest wood that is, would presently come out; and it is this same
+herb your hickways, alias woodpeckers, use, when with some mighty axe
+anyone stops up the hole of their nests, which they industriously dig and
+make in the trunk of some sturdy tree.  Since stags and hinds, when deeply
+wounded with darts, arrows, and bolts, if they do but meet the herb called
+dittany, which is common in Candia, and eat a little of it, presently the
+shafts come out and all is well again; even as kind Venus cured her beloved
+byblow Aeneas when he was wounded on the right thigh with an arrow by
+Juturna, Turnus's sister.  Since the very wind of laurels, fig-trees, or
+sea-calves makes the thunder sheer off insomuch that it never strikes them.
+Since at the sight of a ram, mad elephants recover their former senses.
+Since mad bulls coming near wild fig-trees, called caprifici, grow tame,
+and will not budge a foot, as if they had the cramp.  Since the venomous
+rage of vipers is assuaged if you but touch them with a beechen bough.
+Since also Euphorion writes that in the isle of Samos, before Juno's temple
+was built there, he has seen some beasts called neades, whose voice made
+the neighbouring places gape and sink into a chasm and abyss.  In short,
+since elders grow of a more pleasing sound, and fitter to make flutes, in
+such places where the crowing of cocks is not heard, as the ancient sages
+have writ and Theophrastus relates; as if the crowing of a cock dulled,
+flattened, and perverted the wood of the elder, as it is said to astonish
+and stupify with fear that strong and resolute animal, a lion.  I know that
+some have understood this of wild elder, that grows so far from towns or
+villages that the crowing of cocks cannot reach near it; and doubtless that
+sort ought to be preferred to the stenching common elder that grows about
+decayed and ruined places; but others have understood this in a higher
+sense, not literal, but allegorical, according to the method of the
+Pythagoreans, as when it was said that Mercury's statue could not be made
+of every sort of wood; to which sentence they gave this sense, that God is
+not to be worshipped in a vulgar form, but in a chosen and religious
+manner.  In the same manner, by this elder which grows far from places
+where cocks are heard, the ancients meant that the wise and studious ought
+not to give their minds to trivial or vulgar music, but to that which is
+celestial, divine, angelical, more abstracted, and brought from remoter
+parts, that is, from a region where the crowing of cocks is not heard; for,
+to denote a solitary and unfrequented place, we say cocks are never heard
+to crow there.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXIII.
+
+How Pantagruel fell asleep near the island of Chaneph, and of the problems
+proposed to be solved when he waked.
+
+The next day, merrily pursuing our voyage, we came in sight of the island
+of Chaneph, where Pantagruel's ship could not arrive, the wind chopping
+about, and then failing us so that we were becalmed, and could hardly get
+ahead, tacking about from starboard to larboard, and larboard to starboard,
+though to our sails we added drabblers.
+
+With this accident we were all out of sorts, moping, drooping,
+metagrabolized, as dull as dun in the mire, in C sol fa ut flat, out of
+tune, off the hinges, and I-don't-know-howish, without caring to speak one
+single syllable to each other.
+
+Pantagruel was taking a nap, slumbering and nodding on the quarter-deck by
+the cuddy, with an Heliodorus in his hand; for still it was his custom to
+sleep better by book than by heart.
+
+Epistemon was conjuring, with his astrolabe, to know what latitude we were
+in.
+
+Friar John was got into the cook-room, examining, by the ascendant of the
+spits and the horoscope of ragouts and fricassees, what time of day it
+might then be.
+
+Panurge (sweet baby!) held a stalk of Pantagruelions, alias hemp, next his
+tongue, and with it made pretty bubbles and bladders.
+
+Gymnast was making tooth-pickers with lentisk.
+
+Ponocrates, dozing, dozed, and dreaming, dreamed; tickled himself to make
+himself laugh, and with one finger scratched his noddle where it did not
+itch.
+
+Carpalin, with a nutshell and a trencher of verne (that's a card in
+Gascony), was making a pretty little merry windmill, cutting the card
+longways into four slips, and fastening them with a pin to the convex of
+the nut, and its concave to the tarred side of the gunnel of the ship.
+
+Eusthenes, bestriding one of the guns, was playing on it with his fingers
+as if it had been a trump-marine.
+
+Rhizotome, with the soft coat of a field tortoise, alias ycleped a mole,
+was making himself a velvet purse.
+
+Xenomanes was patching up an old weather-beaten lantern with a hawk's
+jesses.
+
+Our pilot (good man!) was pulling maggots out of the seamen's noses.
+
+At last Friar John, returning from the forecastle, perceived that
+Pantagruel was awake.  Then breaking this obstinate silence, he briskly and
+cheerfully asked him how a man should kill time, and raise good weather,
+during a calm at sea.
+
+Panurge, whose belly thought his throat cut, backed the motion presently,
+and asked for a pill to purge melancholy.
+
+Epistemon also came on, and asked how a man might be ready to bepiss
+himself with laughing when he has no heart to be merry.
+
+Gymnast, arising, demanded a remedy for a dimness of eyes.
+
+Ponocrates, after he had a while rubbed his noddle and shaken his ears,
+asked how one might avoid dog-sleep.  Hold! cried Pantagruel, the
+Peripatetics have wisely made a rule that all problems, questions, and
+doubts which are offered to be solved ought to be certain, clear, and
+intelligible.  What do you mean by dog-sleep?  I mean, answered Ponocrates,
+to sleep fasting in the sun at noonday, as the dogs do.
+
+Rhizotome, who lay stooping on the pump, raised his drowsy head, and lazily
+yawning, by natural sympathy set almost everyone in the ship a-yawning too;
+then he asked for a remedy against oscitations and gapings.
+
+Xenomanes, half puzzled, and tired out with new-vamping his antiquated
+lantern, asked how the hold of the stomach might be so well ballasted and
+freighted from the keel to the main hatch, with stores well stowed, that
+our human vessels might not heel or be walt, but well trimmed and stiff.
+
+Carpalin, twirling his diminutive windmill, asked how many motions are to
+be felt in nature before a gentleman may be said to be hungry.
+
+Eusthenes, hearing them talk, came from between decks, and from the capstan
+called out to know why a man that is fasting, bit by a serpent also
+fasting, is in greater danger of death than when man and serpent have eat
+their breakfasts;--why a man's fasting-spittle is poisonous to serpents and
+venomous creatures.
+
+One single solution may serve for all your problems, gentlemen, answered
+Pantagruel; and one single medicine for all such symptoms and accidents.
+My answer shall be short, not to tire you with a long needless train of
+pedantic cant.  The belly has no ears, nor is it to be filled with fair
+words; you shall be answered to content by signs and gestures.  As formerly
+at Rome, Tarquin the Proud, its last king, sent an answer by signs to his
+son Sextus, who was among the Gabii at Gabii.  (Saying this, he pulled the
+string of a little bell, and Friar John hurried away to the cook-room.)
+The son having sent his father a messenger to know how he might bring the
+Gabii under a close subjection, the king, mistrusting the messenger, made
+him no answer, and only took him into his privy garden, and in his presence
+with his sword lopped off the heads of the tall poppies that were there.
+The express returned without any other despatch, yet having related to the
+prince what he had seen his father do, he easily understood that by those
+signs he advised him to cut off the heads of the chief men in the town, the
+better to keep under the rest of the people.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXIV.
+
+How Pantagruel gave no answer to the problems.
+
+Pantagruel then asked what sort of people dwelt in that damned island.
+They are, answered Xenomanes, all hypocrites, holy mountebanks, tumblers of
+beads, mumblers of ave-marias, spiritual comedians, sham saints, hermits,
+all of them poor rogues who, like the hermit of Lormont between Blaye and
+Bordeaux, live wholly on alms given them by passengers.  Catch me there if
+you can, cried Panurge; may the devil's head-cook conjure my bumgut into a
+pair of bellows if ever you find me among them!  Hermits, sham saints,
+living forms of mortification, holy mountebanks, avaunt! in the name of
+your father Satan, get out of my sight!  When the devil's a hog, you shall
+eat bacon.  I shall not forget yet awhile our fat Concilipetes of Chesil.
+O that Beelzebub and Astaroth had counselled them to hang themselves out of
+the way, and they had done't! we had not then suffered so much by devilish
+storms as we did for having seen 'em.  Hark ye me, dear rogue, Xenomanes,
+my friend, I prithee are these hermits, hypocrites, and eavesdroppers maids
+or married?  Is there anything of the feminine gender among them?  Could a
+body hypocritically take there a small hypocritical touch?  Will they lie
+backwards, and let out their fore-rooms?  There's a fine question to be
+asked, cried Pantagruel.  Yes, yes, answered Xenomanes; you may find there
+many goodly hypocritesses, jolly spiritual actresses, kind hermitesses,
+women that have a plaguy deal of religion; then there's the copies of 'em,
+little hypocritillons, sham sanctitos, and hermitillons.  Foh! away with
+them, cried Friar John; a young saint, an old devil!  (Mark this, an old
+saying, and as true a one as, a young whore, an old saint.)  Were there not
+such, continued Xenomanes, the isle of Chaneph, for want of a
+multiplication of progeny, had long ere this been desert and desolate.
+
+Pantagruel sent them by Gymnast in the pinnace seventy-eight thousand fine
+pretty little gold half-crowns, of those that are marked with a lantern.
+After this he asked, What's o'clock?  Past nine, answered Epistemon.  It is
+then the best time to go to dinner, said Pantagruel; for the sacred line so
+celebrated by Aristophanes in his play called Concionatrices is at hand,
+never failing when the shadow is decempedal.
+
+Formerly, among the Persians, dinner-time was at a set hour only for kings;
+as for all others, their appetite and their belly was their clock; when
+that chimed, they thought it time to go to dinner.  So we find in Plautus a
+certain parasite making a heavy do, and sadly railing at the inventors of
+hour-glasses and dials as being unnecessary things, there being no clock
+more regular than the belly.
+
+Diogenes being asked at what times a man ought to eat, answered, The rich
+when he is hungry, the poor when he has anything to eat.  Physicians more
+properly say that the canonical hours are,
+
+  To rise at five, to dine at nine,
+  To sup at five, to sleep at nine.
+
+The famous king Petosiris's magic was different,--Here the officers for the
+gut came in, and got ready the tables and cupboards; laid the cloth, whose
+sight and pleasant smell were very comfortable; and brought plates,
+napkins, salts, tankards, flagons, tall-boys, ewers, tumblers, cups,
+goblets, basins, and cisterns.
+
+Friar John, at the head of the stewards, sewers, yeomen of the pantry, and
+of the mouth, tasters, carvers, cupbearers, and cupboard-keepers, brought
+four stately pasties, so huge that they put me in mind of the four bastions
+at Turin.  Ods-fish, how manfully did they storm them!  What havoc did they
+make with the long train of dishes that came after them!  How bravely did
+they stand to their pan-puddings, and paid off their dust!  How merrily did
+they soak their noses!
+
+The fruit was not yet brought in, when a fresh gale at west and by north
+began to fill the main-course, mizen-sail, fore-sail, tops, and
+top-gallants; for which blessing they all sung divers hymns of thanks and
+praise.
+
+When the fruit was on the table, Pantagruel asked, Now tell me, gentlemen,
+are your doubts fully resolved or no?  I gape and yawn no more, answered
+Rhizotome.  I sleep no longer like a dog, said Ponocrates.  I have cleared
+my eyesight, said Gymnast.  I have broke my fast, said Eusthenes; so that
+for this whole day I shall be secure from the danger of my spittle.
+
+Asps.             Black wag leg-flies.  Domeses.
+Amphisbenes.      Spanish flies.        Dryinades.
+Anerudutes.       Catoblepes.           Dragons.
+Abedissimons.     Horned snakes.        Elopes.
+Alhartrafz.       Caterpillars.         Enhydrides.
+Ammobates.        Crocodiles.           Falvises.
+Apimaos.          Toads.                Galeotes.
+Alhatrabans.      Nightmares.           Harmenes.
+Aractes.          Mad dogs.             Handons.
+Asterions.        Colotes.              Icles.
+Alcharates.       Cychriodes.           Jarraries.
+Arges.            Cafezates.            Ilicines.
+Spiders.          Cauhares.             Pharaoh's mice.
+Starry lizards.   Snakes.               Kesudures.
+Attelabes.        Cuhersks, two-        Sea-hares.
+Ascalabotes.        tongued adders.     Chalcidic newts.
+Haemorrhoids.     Amphibious ser-       Footed serpents.
+Basilisks.          pents.              Manticores.
+Fitches.          Cenchres.             Molures.
+Sucking water-    Cockatrices.          Mouse-serpents.
+  snakes.         Dipsades.             Shrew-mice.
+Miliares.         Salamanders.          Stinkfish.
+Megalaunes.       Slowworms.            Stuphes.
+Spitting-asps.    Stellions.            Sabrins.
+Porphyri.         Scorpenes.            Blood-sucking flies.
+Pareades.         Scorpions.            Hornfretters.
+Phalanges.        Hornworms.            Scolopendres.
+Penphredons.      Scalavotins.          Tarantulas.
+Pinetree-worms.   Solofuidars.          Blind worms.
+Ruteles.          Deaf-asps.            Tetragnathias.
+Worms.            Horseleeches.         Teristales.
+Rhagions.         Salt-haters.          Vipers, &c.
+Rhaganes.         Rot-serpents.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXV.
+
+How Pantagruel passed the time with his servants.
+
+In what hierarchy of such venomous creatures do you place Panurge's future
+spouse? asked Friar John.  Art thou speaking ill of women, cried Panurge,
+thou mangy scoundrel, thou sorry, noddy-peaked shaveling monk?  By the
+cenomanic paunch and gixy, said Epistemon, Euripides has written, and makes
+Andromache say it, that by industry, and the help of the gods, men had
+found remedies against all poisonous creatures; but none was yet found
+against a bad wife.
+
+This flaunting Euripides, cried Panurge, was gabbling against women every
+foot, and therefore was devoured by dogs, as a judgment from above; as
+Aristophanes observes.  Let's go on.  Let him speak that is next.  I can
+leak now like any stone-horse, said then Epistemon.  I am, said Xenomanes,
+full as an egg and round as a hoop; my ship's hold can hold no more, and
+will now make shift to bear a steady sail.  Said Carpalin, A truce with
+thirst, a truce with hunger; they are strong, but wine and meat are
+stronger.  I'm no more in the dumps cried Panurge; my heart's a pound
+lighter.  I'm in the right cue now, as brisk as a body-louse, and as merry
+as a beggar.  For my part, I know what I do when I drink; and it is a true
+thing (though 'tis in your Euripides) that is said by that jolly toper
+Silenus of blessed memory, that--
+
+  The man's emphatically mad,
+  Who drinks the best, yet can be sad.
+
+We must not fail to return our humble and hearty thanks to the Being who,
+with this good bread, this cool delicious wine, these good meats and rare
+dainties, removes from our bodies and minds these pains and perturbations,
+and at the same time fills us with pleasure and with food.
+
+But methinks, sir, you did not give an answer to Friar John's question;
+which, as I take it, was how to raise good weather.  Since you ask no more
+than this easy question, answered Pantagruel, I'll strive to give you
+satisfaction; and some other time we'll talk of the rest of the problems,
+if you will.
+
+Well then, Friar John asked how good weather might be raised.  Have we not
+raised it?  Look up and see our full topsails.  Hark how the wind whistles
+through the shrouds, what a stiff gale it blows.  Observe the rattling of
+the tacklings, and see the sheets that fasten the mainsail behind; the
+force of the wind puts them upon the stretch.  While we passed our time
+merrily, the dull weather also passed away; and while we raised the glasses
+to our mouths, we also raised the wind by a secret sympathy in nature.
+
+Thus Atlas and Hercules clubbed to raise and underprop the falling sky, if
+you'll believe the wise mythologists, but they raised it some half an inch
+too high, Atlas to entertain his guest Hercules more pleasantly, and
+Hercules to make himself amends for the thirst which some time before had
+tormented him in the deserts of Africa.  Your good father, said Friar John,
+interrupting him, takes care to free many people from such an
+inconveniency; for I have been told by many venerable doctors that his
+chief-butler, Turelupin, saves above eighteen hundred pipes of wine yearly
+to make servants, and all comers and goers, drink before they are a-dry.
+As the camels and dromedaries of a caravan, continued Pantagruel, use to
+drink for the thirst that's past, for the present, and for that to come, so
+did Hercules; and being thus excessively raised, this gave new motion to
+the sky, which is that of titubation and trepidation, about which our
+crackbrained astrologers make such a pother.  This, said Panurge, makes the
+saying good:
+
+  While jolly companions carouse it together,
+  A fig for the storm, it gives way to good weather.
+
+Nay, continued Pantagruel, some will tell you that we have not only
+shortened the time of the calm, but also much disburthened the ship; not
+like Aesop's basket, by easing it of the provision, but by breaking our
+fasts; and that a man is more terrestrial and heavy when fasting than when
+he has eaten and drank, even as they pretend that he weighs more dead than
+living.  However it is, you will grant they are in the right who take their
+morning's draught and breakfast before a long journey; then say that the
+horses will perform the better, and that a spur in the head is worth two in
+the flank; or, in the same horse dialect--
+
+  That a cup in the pate
+  Is a mile in the gate.
+
+Don't you know that formerly the Amycleans worshipped the noble Bacchus
+above all other gods, and gave him the name of Psila, which in the Doric
+dialect signifies wings; for, as the birds raise themselves by a towering
+flight with their wings above the clouds, so, with the help of soaring
+Bacchus, the powerful juice of the grape, our spirits are exalted to a
+pitch above themselves, our bodies are more sprightly, and their earthly
+parts become soft and pliant.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXVI.
+
+How, by Pantagruel's order, the Muses were saluted near the isle of
+Ganabim.
+
+This fair wind and as fine talk brought us in sight of a high land, which
+Pantagruel discovering afar off, showed it Xenomanes, and asked him, Do you
+see yonder to the leeward a high rock with two tops, much like Mount
+Parnassus in Phocis?  I do plainly, answered Xenomanes; 'tis the isle of
+Ganabim.  Have you a mind to go ashore there?  No, returned Pantagruel.
+You do well, indeed, said Xenomanes; for there is nothing worth seeing in
+the place.  The people are all thieves; yet there is the finest fountain in
+the world, and a very large forest towards the right top of the mountain.
+Your fleet may take in wood and water there.
+
+He that spoke last, spoke well, quoth Panurge; let us not by any means be
+so mad as to go among a parcel of thieves and sharpers.  You may take my
+word for't, this place is just such another as, to my knowledge, formerly
+were the islands of Sark and Herm, between the smaller and the greater
+Britain; such as was the Poneropolis of Philip in Thrace; islands of
+thieves, banditti, picaroons, robbers, ruffians, and murderers, worse than
+raw-head and bloody-bones, and full as honest as the senior fellows of the
+college of iniquity, the very outcasts of the county gaol's common-side.
+As you love yourself, do not go among 'em.  If you go you'll come off but
+bluely, if you come off at all.  If you will not believe me, at least
+believe what the good and wise Xenomanes tells you; for may I never stir if
+they are not worse than the very cannibals; they would certainly eat us
+alive.  Do not go among 'em, I pray you; it were safer to take a journey to
+hell.  Hark! by Cod's body, I hear 'em ringing the alarm-bell most
+dreadfully, as the Gascons about Bordeaux used formerly to do against the
+commissaries and officers for the tax on salt, or my ears tingle.  Let's
+sheer off.
+
+Believe me, sir, said Friar John, let's rather land; we will rid the world
+of that vermin, and inn there for nothing.  Old Nick go with thee for me,
+quoth Panurge.  This rash hairbrained devil of a friar fears nothing, but
+ventures and runs on like a mad devil as he is, and cares not a rush what
+becomes of others; as if everyone was a monk, like his friarship.  A pox on
+grinning honour, say I.  Go to, returned the friar, thou mangy noddy-peak!
+thou forlorn druggle-headed sneaksby! and may a million of black devils
+anatomize thy cockle brain.  The hen-hearted rascal is so cowardly that he
+berays himself for fear every day.  If thou art so afraid, dunghill, do not
+go; stay here and be hanged; or go and hide thy loggerhead under Madam
+Proserpine's petticoat.
+
+Panurge hearing this, his breech began to make buttons; so he slunk in in
+an instant, and went to hide his head down in the bread-room among the
+musty biscuits and the orts and scraps of broken bread.
+
+Pantagruel in the meantime said to the rest:  I feel a pressing retraction
+in my soul, which like a voice admonishes me not to land there.  Whenever I
+have felt such a motion within me I have found myself happy in avoiding
+what it directed me to shun, or in undertaking what it prompted me to do;
+and I never had occasion to repent following its dictates.
+
+As much, said Epistemon, is related of the daemon of Socrates, so
+celebrated among the Academics.  Well then, sir, said Friar John, while the
+ship's crew water have you a mind to have good sport?  Panurge is got down
+somewhere in the hold, where he is crept into some corner, and lurks like a
+mouse in a cranny.  Let 'em give the word for the gunner to fire yon gun
+over the round-house on the poop; this will serve to salute the Muses of
+this Anti-parnassus; besides, the powder does but decay in it.  You are in
+the right, said Pantagruel; here, give the word for the gunner.
+
+The gunner immediately came, and was ordered by Pantagruel to fire that
+gun, and then charge it with fresh powder, which was soon done.  The
+gunners of the other ships, frigates, galleons, and galleys of the fleet,
+hearing us fire, gave every one a gun to the island; which made such a
+horrid noise that you would have sworn heaven had been tumbling about our
+ears.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXVII.
+
+How Panurge berayed himself for fear; and of the huge cat Rodilardus, which
+he took for a puny devil.
+
+Panurge, like a wild, addle-pated, giddy-goat, sallies out of the
+bread-room in his shirt, with nothing else about him but one of his
+stockings, half on, half off, about his heel, like a rough-footed pigeon;
+his hair and beard all bepowdered with crumbs of bread in which he had been
+over head and ears, and a huge and mighty puss partly wrapped up in his
+other stocking.  In this equipage, his chaps moving like a monkey's who's
+a-louse-hunting, his eyes staring like a dead pig's, his teeth chattering,
+and his bum quivering, the poor dog fled to Friar John, who was then sitting
+by the chain-wales of the starboard side of the ship, and prayed him
+heartily to take pity on him and keep him in the safeguard of his trusty
+bilbo; swearing, by his share of Papimany, that he had seen all hell broke
+loose.
+
+Woe is me, my Jacky, cried he, my dear Johnny, my old crony, my brother, my
+ghostly father! all the devils keep holiday, all the devils keep their
+feast to-day, man.  Pork and peas choke me if ever thou sawest such
+preparations in thy life for an infernal feast.  Dost thou see the smoke of
+hell's kitchens?  (This he said, showing him the smoke of the gunpowder
+above the ships.)  Thou never sawest so many damned souls since thou wast
+born; and so fair, so bewitching they seem, that one would swear they are
+Stygian ambrosia.  I thought at first, God forgive me! that they had been
+English souls; and I don't know but that this morning the isle of Horses,
+near Scotland, was sacked, with all the English who had surprised it, by
+the lords of Termes and Essay.
+
+Friar John, at the approach of Panurge, was entertained with a kind of
+smell that was not like that of gunpowder, nor altogether so sweet as musk;
+which made him turn Panurge about, and then he saw that his shirt was
+dismally bepawed and berayed with fresh sir-reverence.  The retentive
+faculty of the nerve which restrains the muscle called sphincter ('tis the
+arse-hole, an it please you) was relaxated by the violence of the fear
+which he had been in during his fantastic visions.  Add to this the
+thundering noise of the shooting, which seems more dreadful between decks
+than above.  Nor ought you to wonder at such a mishap; for one of the
+symptoms and accidents of fear is, that it often opens the wicket of the
+cupboard wherein second-hand meat is kept for a time.  Let's illustrate
+this noble theme with some examples.
+
+Messer Pantolfe de la Cassina of Siena, riding post from Rome, came to
+Chambery, and alighting at honest Vinet's took one of the pitchforks in the
+stable; then turning to the innkeeper, said to him, Da Roma in qua io non
+son andato del corpo.  Di gratia piglia in mano questa forcha, et fa mi
+paura.  (I have not had a stool since I left Rome.  I pray thee take this
+pitchfork and fright me.)  Vinet took it, and made several offers as if he
+would in good earnest have hit the signor, but all in vain; so the Sienese
+said to him, Si tu non fai altramente, tu non fai nulla; pero sforzati di
+adoperarli piu guagliardamente.  (If thou dost not go another way to work,
+thou hadst as good do nothing; therefore try to bestir thyself more
+briskly.)  With this, Vinet lent him such a swinging stoater with the
+pitchfork souse between the neck and the collar of his jerkin, that down
+fell signor on the ground arsyversy, with his spindle shanks wide
+straggling over his poll.  Then mine host sputtering, with a full-mouthed
+laugh, said to his guest, By Beelzebub's bumgut, much good may it do you,
+Signore Italiano.  Take notice this is datum Camberiaci, given at Chambery.
+'Twas well the Sienese had untrussed his points and let down his drawers;
+for this physic worked with him as soon as he took it, and as copious was
+the evacuation as that of nine buffaloes and fourteen missificating
+arch-lubbers.  Which operation being over, the mannerly Sienese courteously
+gave mine host a whole bushel of thanks, saying to him, Io ti ringratio, bel
+messere; cosi facendo tu m' ai esparmiata la speza d'un servitiale.  (I
+thank thee, good landlord; by this thou hast e'en saved me the expense of a
+clyster.)
+
+I'll give you another example of Edward V., King of England.  Master
+Francis Villon, being banished France, fled to him, and got so far into his
+favour as to be privy to all his household affairs.  One day the king,
+being on his close-stool, showed Villon the arms of France, and said to
+him, Dost thou see what respect I have for thy French kings?  I have none
+of their arms anywhere but in this backside, near my close-stool.
+Ods-life, said the buffoon, how wise, prudent, and careful of your health
+your highness is!  How carefully your learned doctor, Thomas Linacre, looks
+after you!  He saw that now you grow old you are inclined to be somewhat
+costive, and every day were fain to have an apothecary, I mean a suppository
+or clyster, thrust into your royal nockandroe; so he has, much to the
+purpose, induced you to place here the arms of France; for the very sight of
+them puts you into such a dreadful fright that you immediately let fly as
+much as would come from eighteen squattering bonasi of Paeonia.  And if they
+were painted in other parts of your house, by jingo, you would presently
+conskite yourself wherever you saw them.  Nay, had you but here a picture of
+the great oriflamme of France, ods-bodikins, your tripes and bowels would be
+in no small danger of dropping out at the orifice of your posteriors.  But
+henh, henh, atque iterum henh.
+
+  A silly cockney am I not,
+    As ever did from Paris come?
+  And with a rope and sliding knot
+    My neck shall know what weighs my bum.
+
+A cockney of short reach, I say, shallow of judgment and judging shallowly,
+to wonder that you should cause your points to be untrussed in your chamber
+before you come into this closet.  By'r lady, at first I thought your
+close-stool had stood behind the hangings of your bed; otherwise it seemed
+very odd to me you should untruss so far from the place of evacuation.  But
+now I find I was a gull, a wittol, a woodcock, a mere ninny, a dolt-head, a
+noddy, a changeling, a calf-lolly, a doddipoll.  You do wisely, by the
+mass, you do wisely; for had you not been ready to clap your hind face on
+the mustard-pot as soon as you came within sight of these arms--mark ye me,
+cop's body--the bottom of your breeches had supplied the office of a
+close-stool.
+
+Friar John, stopping the handle of his face with his left hand, did, with
+the forefinger of the right, point out Panurge's shirt to Pantagruel, who,
+seeing him in this pickle, scared, appalled, shivering, raving, staring,
+berayed, and torn with the claws of the famous cat Rodilardus, could not
+choose but laugh, and said to him, Prithee what wouldst thou do with this
+cat?  With this cat? quoth Panurge; the devil scratch me if I did not think
+it had been a young soft-chinned devil, which, with this same stocking
+instead of mitten, I had snatched up in the great hutch of hell as
+thievishly as any sizar of Montague college could have done.  The devil
+take Tybert!  I feel it has all bepinked my poor hide, and drawn on it to
+the life I don't know how many lobsters' whiskers.  With this he threw his
+boar-cat down.
+
+Go, go, said Pantagruel, be bathed and cleaned, calm your fears, put on a
+clean shift, and then your clothes.  What! do you think I am afraid? cried
+Panurge.  Not I, I protest.  By the testicles of Hercules, I am more
+hearty, bold, and stout, though I say it that should not, than if I had
+swallowed as many flies as are put into plumcakes and other paste at Paris
+from Midsummer to Christmas.  But what's this?  Hah! oh, ho! how the devil
+came I by this?  Do you call this what the cat left in the malt, filth,
+dirt, dung, dejection, faecal matter, excrement, stercoration,
+sir-reverence, ordure, second-hand meats, fumets, stronts, scybal, or
+spyrathe? 'Tis Hibernian saffron, I protest.  Hah, hah, hah! 'tis Irish
+saffron, by Shaint Pautrick, and so much for this time.  Selah.  Let's
+drink.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 8169 ***